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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May
+20, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May 20, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: February 29, 2008  [eBook #24720]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, MAY 20, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 24720-h.htm or 24720-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/7/2/24720/24720-h/24720-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/7/2/24720/24720-h.zip)
+
+
+Transcribers note:
+
+      Stage directions are enclosed by equal signs (example: =Enter=).
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+MAY 20, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+It is comforting to know that we need not yet despair of human nature.
+Even the most abandoned politician may have one redeeming quality. For
+example, _The Express_ tells us that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is a reader
+of _The Express._
+
+       * * *
+
+It is reported to be the intention of General BOTHA to visit this
+country in June or July, and the Labour Party here are said to be
+already taking steps with a view to having him deported as an
+undesirable.
+
+       * * *
+
+If Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN has been correctly reported he is even more of a
+reactionary than most of his opponents imagined. In the course of the
+debate on the Sunday Closing Bill he is said to have delivered himself
+as follows:--"Drunkenness is diminishing, and I say Thank God; long may
+it continue." The pious ejaculation would seem to be an expression of
+gratitude for the joys of inebriety.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Does the nightingale really boycott the land of Llewelyn and Mr. Lloyd
+George--and why?" asks an anxious inquirer in a contemporary. If it is
+so we suspect the reason is a fear on the part of the bird that the
+CHANCELLOR may get to know of the rich quality of his notes and tax him
+out of existence.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. GEORGE STOREY has been elected a Royal Academician. This will
+surprise no one. Burlington House has always favoured the Storey
+picture. And as regards Mr. H. S. TUKE, who was promoted at the same
+time, his serial tale, "Three Boys and a Boat," has now been running for
+quite a number of years.
+
+       * * *
+
+"English," says Mr. BALFOUR, "is abominably difficult." But Erse is
+worse.
+
+       * * *
+
+Despatched at Teddington twenty-three years ago a postcard has just been
+delivered at Walton-on-Thames. The postal authorities trust that the
+publication of this fact will induce people to exercise a little
+patience when they do not receive correspondence which they expect,
+instead of at once jumping to the conclusion that it has been lost.
+
+       * * *
+
+As a consequence of recent outrages at the Royal Academy the Council is
+reported to be testing "unbreakable glass." No doubt the Indestructible
+Paint Company is also circularising artists.
+
+       * * *
+
+A man walking across St. Paul's Churchyard gave a remarkable exhibition
+of presence of mind one day last week. He was knocked down under a
+motor-omnibus, but managed so to arrange himself that the wheels passed
+clear of him. Cinema operators will be obliged if he will give them due
+notice of any intention to repeat the turn.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The London General Omnibus Company advertises itself, so why shouldn't
+we?" said the L.C.C. Tramways--so they had a nice little collision on
+the Embankment last week.
+
+       * * *
+
+At the second annual celebration of "Mothers' Day" at the London Central
+Y.M.C.A., an eloquent address was delivered by the secretary of the
+association, Mr. VIRGO. The thought that, in spite of his name, this
+gentleman, try as he might, could never become a mother is said to have
+raised a lump in the throat of many a member of the audience.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are glad to hear that "Hospital Egg Week" has been a success. We find
+it difficult, however, to believe one account, which states that
+sufficient new-laid eggs have been contributed to last the whole year.
+
+       * * *
+
+"If Adam had lived till now," says Mr. SNOWDEN, "and had worked hard at
+honest labour the whole time, and had been a thrifty man withal, he
+would not have had an income like some of those enjoyed to-day." Mr.
+SNOWDEN is apparently presuming that ADAM'S wife would have lived as
+long as her husband.
+
+       * * *
+
+At his examination in bankruptcy a Clacton monumental mason attributed
+his failure to the healthfulness of the neighbourhood. Suggested motto
+for Clacton funeral artists: "_ Si monumentum requiris_--go elsewhere."
+
+       * * *
+
+Among probable forthcoming improvements at the Zoological Gardens is the
+provision of a band on Sunday. But one great difficulty, we imagine,
+will be to persuade the laughing hyena and certain other rowdy animals
+not to take part in the performances.
+
+       * * *
+
+The didactic drama is with us again, and this time we are to be taught
+to feel affection for the unpopular. _Love Cheats_ is the hortatory
+title of a play to be produced by Miss HORNIMAN'S company next month.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. MARGAM JONES has written a volume entitled _Angels in Wales._
+Nonconformists, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE NEW DRESS.
+
+"Going along Oxford Street, are you? I should love to come with you, but
+it would be a little hard on Bond Street. You see, I haven't shown it to
+Bond Street yet."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BAD LANGUAGE.
+    FROM SIR HERBERT TREE.
+    To the Editor of _The Daily Mail._"
+
+We hope the Editor replied suitably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHO FEARS TO SPEAK OF"--NINETEEN-SIX?
+
+[_Thoughts on "a Bill for the Better_ (sic) _Government of Ireland."_]
+
+
+    There was an Isle all green and fair
+      Where milk and whisky used to flow,
+        Where, thanks to lavish legislators,
+        The pious cult of pigs and taters
+    Filled with content the balmy air--
+      Eight little years ago!
+
+    Distressful she had been, a land
+      Of kine curtailed and burning ricks,
+        Until we others oped our purses
+        To rectify her feudal curses
+    And freed the soil with generous hand--
+      Prior to nineteen-six.
+
+    Though still the casual moonlight raid
+      Occurred at seasons, just for joy,
+        New brands of owners, fat and thriving,
+        Had lost their use for cattle-driving,
+    And agitation's artful aid
+      Pined for its old employ.
+
+    Then came the Liberals in and eyed
+      This land where Peace had poised her wings;
+        And "O!" said they, "how sad a smutch on
+        Our clean United Kingdom's 'scutcheon!
+    It is our duty to provide
+      A Better State of Things."
+
+    Eight years ago! And now we see
+      The dogs of war about to bay;
+        The Bill for Ruling Ireland Better
+        (Strangely enough) has so upset her
+    That pretty soon there ought to be
+      The DEVLIN'S self to pay.
+
+    So, when the general atmosphere
+      Becomes opaque with flying bricks,
+        And those who ran the Home Rule movement
+        Bid me applaud this marked improvement,
+    From pure politeness I shall fear
+      To speak of nineteen-six.
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUSINESSFRIENDSHIP.
+
+
+Have you heard from ---- this year? Mine came last night. Of course (to
+keep it among ourselves) I am not going to say who ---- is beyond
+mentioning (for the purpose of handy reference) that he appears to have
+been christened Josef and that the capital from which he writes (or
+alleges that he writes) is associable with a high standard of musical
+comedy. His communication is very much underlined, very profuse of the
+mark of exclamation in quite unnecessary places (until, indeed, the sign
+begins to assume an absolutely satirical value), and very ornate with
+little amputated hands, all pointing out the short cut to illimitable
+wealth. Now you understand.
+
+The envelope was addressed, as Josef himself assures me that his future
+communications will be, "in the most discreet manner," and yet....
+
+"Put it into the waste-paper basket, my dear," I said to Philippa, who
+had brought it in with some curiosity. "We need not open it. It is only
+Josef offering us another fortune." Need I say that she at once opened
+it?
+
+My address, according to Josef, had been given to him "by a mutual
+businessfriend." This threw me into a contemplation. Who could it be?
+Spraggs had certainly toured the capitals of Central Europe last autumn,
+but he never mentioned Josef on his return. Harris? Well, one would
+scarcely call Harris a _business_friend. Filmer? No, Filmer is too
+selfish, I fear, to do me so good a turn. Ah, of course! Kelly, dear old
+burly rubicund Kelly, with his unfailing memory for an address and his
+delightfully abbreviated style. And he goes everywhere too: the very
+man. I can almost hear him saying it: "Then there's Johnson, my staunch
+old businessfriend Johnson, whom I can trace right back as far as my
+impressions of 1912; mustn't leave him out. I think I can--yes, I have
+it: John Fdk. Johnson, 72, Chestnut Av., Mayfield Pk., S.W. You've got
+that?" Josef has it.
+
+Josef, it appears, possesses a few tickets, and I gather that for some
+reason he does not require all of them himself. Naturally he turns to
+the friend of our mutual businessfriend. Will I participate in the
+distribution of "many, many million within five months?" The first prize
+is one--but perhaps I had better express it as Josef loves to do. The
+first prize is
+
+                  --->ONE MILLION CRS.<---
+
+The chance, he goes on to say, is "without any risk worth mentioning."
+Still, he does mention it. He mentions it quite explicitly so that there
+shall be no mistake. The risk is as follows:--
+
+    1/4 Ticket sh 8/6.
+    1/2 Ticket sh 17/.
+    1/1 Ticket sh 34/.
+
+"All tickets forwarded (paid for) belong to the customer," I am assured,
+"from the moment of dispatch and play, of course, on his account."
+
+I fancy I see what Josef means, but I don't think that the expression,
+"play, of course, on his account," is altogether well chosen. I think it
+might have been phrased more felicitously.
+
+You will not be surprised to know that Josef's interest, stimulated by
+our mutual businessfriend, goes beyond my mere personality. He reminds
+me--Philippa is quite affected by this--that there are others. "The
+astonishing advantages ... must induce to serious consideration anyone
+who is looking after his own welfare, and that of those near and dear to
+him as well."--Yet Josef can be almost stern when there is occasion, and
+he tersely warns me that it is a chance which "probably NEVER WILL BE
+OFFERED to you AGAIN!"
+
+Ah, well.
+
+I suppose that I shall give a miss as usual. It isn't that I doubt a
+single word of Josef's splendid optimism on my behalf. It isn't that I
+really mind the always, to me, inexplicable fact that every second
+ticket is guaranteed to draw a prize, while the _lowest_ prize is double
+the amount charged for the ticket. It isn't (altogether) that I distrust
+Philippa's rosy presentiment. I think it is the concluding paragraph
+that settles it. I read:--
+
+    Will you become
+    A MILLIONAIRE?
+
+    Fill out this Order-Form and send it to me by return of post with
+    the necessary remittance!
+
+That last and entirely superfluous note of exclamation seems only to be
+adequately vocalised as a chuckle. And as I listen it does not seem to
+be myself that is laughing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is already using his influence with the new WAR
+MINISTER. In the Army Orders for March, 1914, we read:--
+
+     "Paragraph 555, line 4. _For '4d.' substitute '9d.'_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE CONCERT OF SOUTH AMERICA.
+
+THE MEDIATORS. "PARDON, MADAM, BUT YOU HAVE HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE OF
+THIS KIND OF THING. HOW DO YOU DO IT?"
+
+EUROPA. "OH, WE JUST TALK AND TALK--AND THEN TALK!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Player (encouragingly)._ "Bad luck! Well tried!"
+
+_Second Player (petulantly)._ "I didn't try for anything."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PIERCING OF THE VEIL.
+
+
+"I think," says Dr. LYNCH in _The Daily Chronicle,_ "that a man leaves
+some trace of himself in every sentence that he writes. What then of
+works so extensive as Shakspeare's? Certainly we should see him through
+and through if we only knew how to look."
+
+_We_ do know how to look, and we have done so with results that can
+hardly fail to astonish the reader. It has long been known, for
+instance, that SHAKSPEARE was a good man of business, but until our
+researches no one had realised quite how good. His theatre had to pay,
+and he knew as well as any modern manager how to make it do so. That he
+realised, for instance, the attractions of American dance tunes is
+evident from his reference to "rags to split the ears of the
+groundlings" (_Hamlet_, Act III., Scene 2).
+
+Apart from his business SHAKSPEARE had private ambitions. We all know
+that he applied for a grant of arms, but few are aware that he also
+stood for Parliament, and, like many another, regretted the expense
+after it was incurred. "Almost all," he says feelingly, "repent in their
+election" (_Coriolanus_, Act II., Scene 3). His exact political views
+are still uncertain, but, at any rate, we may be sure that he
+disapproved of the Lords, for he boldly announced the fact in the _Two
+Gentlemen of Verona,_ Act V., Scene 4, where he says, "One house, one
+mutual happiness."
+
+But these are serious matters. What of his hours of ease? That he golfed
+there can now be no manner of doubt. In _The Tempest,_ Act IV., Scene 1,
+he refers to the "short grassed green," and in _Hamlet_, Act II., Scene
+2, he earns our respect by the simple statement, "I went round," without
+any tedious details. Possibly the "thousand marks in links" in the first
+part of _Henry IV._, Act III., Scene 3, explains this reticence, but, at
+any rate, he occasionally found one whom he fancied he could beat;
+witness his remark in _Twelfth Night,_ Act II., Scene 3, "Sir Toby, I
+must be round with you."
+
+And, golf over, he liked his pipe and his glass. The "smoke and lukewarm
+water" mentioned in _Timon of Athens,_ Act III., Scene 6, only needs the
+addition of a dash of whisky to make an evening any of us might enjoy;
+and his words in _Anthony and Cleopatra,_ Act I., Scene 2, "We bring
+forth weeds when our quick minds are still," will find an echo in many a
+chest. In this connection it might be noted that he took an occasional
+holiday in France. That at least seems a reasonable assumption when so
+keen a smoker cries, as he does in _The Merchant of Venice,_ Act III.,
+Scene 1, "I have another bad match."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VAGRANT.
+
+
+        The humble bee
+        No skep has he,
+    No twisted, straw-thatched dome,
+        A ferny crest
+        Provides his nest,
+    The mowing-grass his home.
+
+        The crook-beaked shrike
+        His back may spike
+    And pierce him with a thorn;
+        The humble bee
+        A tramp is he
+    And there is none to mourn.
+
+        O'er bank and brook,
+        In wooded nook,
+    He wanders at his whim,
+        Lives as he can,
+        Owes naught to man,
+    And man owes naught to him.
+
+        No hive receives
+        The sweets he gives,
+    No flowers for him are sown,
+        Yet wild and gay
+        He hums his way,
+    A nomad on his own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUFFERER.
+
+
+Having engaged a sleeping-berth I naturally hurried, coin in hand, to
+the conductor, as all wise travellers do (usually to their
+discomfiture), to see if I could be accommodated with a compartment to
+myself and be guaranteed against invasion.
+
+The carriage was full.
+
+I then sought my compartment, to learn the worst as to my position,
+whether above or below the necessarily offensive person who was to be my
+companion.
+
+He was already there, and we exchanged the hard implacable glare that is
+reserved among the English for the other fellow in a wagon-lit
+compartment.
+
+When I discovered that to him had fallen the dreaded upper berth I
+relaxed a little, and later we were full of courtesies to each
+other--renunciations of hat-pegs, racks and so forth, and charming
+mutual concessions as to the light, which I controlled from below--so
+that by morning we were so friendly that he deemed me a fit recipient of
+his Great Paris Grievance.
+
+This grievance, which he considered that everyone should know about,
+bears upon the prevalence of spurious coins in the so-called Gay City
+and the tendency of Parisians to work them off on foreigners. As he
+says, a more inhospitable course one cannot conceive. Foreigners in
+Paris should be treated as guests, and just now, with all this Entente
+talk, the English especially. But no. It is the English who are the
+first victims of the possessor of obsolete francs, two-franc and
+five-franc pieces guiltless of their country's silver and ten-franc
+pieces into whose composition no gold has entered.
+
+He had been in Paris but an hour or so when--but let me tell the story
+as my travelling companion told it to me.
+
+"I don't know what your experience in Paris has been," he said, "but I
+have been victimised right and left."
+
+He was now getting up while I lay at comparative ease in my berth and
+watched his difficulties in the congested room and thought what horrid
+vests he wore.
+
+"I had been in Paris but a few hours," he continued, "when it was
+necessary to pay a cabman. I handed him a franc. He examined it, laughed
+and returned it. I handed him another. He went through the same
+performance. Having found some good money to get rid of him, I sat down
+outside a caf� to try and remember where I had received the change in
+which these useless coins had been inserted. During a week in Paris much
+of my time was spent in that way."
+
+He sighed and drew on his trousers. His braces were red.
+
+"I showed the bad francs to a waiter," he went on, "and he, like the
+cabman, laughed. In fact, next to an undressed woman, there is no stroke
+of wit so certain of Parisian mirth as a bad coin. The first thought of
+everyone to whom I showed my collection was to be amused." His face
+blackened with rage. "This cheerful callousness in a matter involving a
+total want of principle and straight-dealing as between man and man," he
+said, "denotes to what a point of cynicism the Parisians have attained."
+
+I agreed with him.
+
+"The waiter," he continued, "went through my money and pointed out what
+was good and what either bad or out of currency. He called other waiters
+to enjoy the joke. It seemed that in about four hours I had acquired
+three bad francs, one bad two-franc piece and two bad five-franc pieces.
+I put them away in another pocket and got fresh change from him, which,
+as I subsequently discovered, contained one obsolete five-franc piece
+and two discredited francs. And so it went on. I was a continual target
+for them."
+
+Here he began to wash, and the story was interrupted.
+
+When he re-emerged I asked him why he didn't always examine his change.
+
+"It's very difficult to remember to do so," he said, "and, besides, I am
+not an expert. Anyway, it got worse and worse, and when a bad gold piece
+came along I realised that I must do something so I wrote to the Chief
+of the Police."
+
+"In French?" I asked.
+
+"No, in English--the language of honesty. I told him my own experiences.
+I said that other English people whom I had met had testified to similar
+trouble; and I put it to him that as a matter of civic pride--_esprit de
+pays_--he should do his utmost to cleanse Paris of this evil. I added
+that in my opinion the waiters were the worst offenders."
+
+"Have you had a reply?" I asked.
+
+"Not yet," he said, and having completed his toilet he made room for me.
+
+I thought about him a good deal and sympathised not a little, for he
+seemed a good sort of fellow and might possibly have had his
+calculations as to expenditure considerably upset by his adventures. It
+certainly was a shame!
+
+Later, meeting him in the restaurant-car I asked him to show me his
+store of bad money. I wanted to see for myself what those coins were
+like.
+
+"I haven't got them," he said.
+
+"You sent them to the Chief of the Police with your letter, I suppose?"
+I said.
+
+"No, I didn't," he replied. "The fact is--well--as a matter of fact I
+managed to work them all off again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "Curfew _shall not_ ring to-night."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At the beginning of the season good bowling performances are not
+    unusual--batsmen get themselves out so easily--but Barratt's
+    bowling yesterday was better than his figures.... Five times
+    yesterday he broke right across the wicket from leg, but none of
+    those magnificent balls got wickets, perhaps because it was too
+    early in the season."--_Times._
+
+The beginning of the season seems rather a tricky time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Death of Collar: Cobham Stud's severe loss."--_Yorkshire Post._
+
+The converse of this accident occurred to us the other day, when our
+Whitefriars collar lost its stud.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Richard I.... at once began to prepare the third crusade. In 1190
+    he started, and reached Acre in June, 1911."
+
+    _"Everyman" Encyclop�dia._
+
+Thus missing KING GEORGE Vth's Coronation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Customer._ "This is a beautiful chop, waiter, the best
+you've ever----"
+
+_Waiter._ "Yes, an' I won't 'arf cop nothing. That was the boss's chop
+what I've giv you in mistake."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VANDALISM.
+
+
+The new proposals with regard to the water supply of the City of Glasgow
+are causing, we are not surprised to learn, the utmost fury and
+consternation throughout Scotland. Criticism has concentrated especially
+upon two points: the imminent risk of submerging ROBERT THE BRUCE'S
+Stone and, of course, the danger of tampering in however slight a degree
+with the birthplace of ROB ROY. The passive resistance movement has
+already assumed such proportions that one enterprising publisher feels
+justified in announcing a new cheap edition of the "Waverley Novels,"
+illustrated from local photographs.
+
+There is, of course, another side to the question. As far as the stone
+goes it is contended:--
+
+(1) That no one knows why it should have belonged to ROBERT THE BRUCE,
+where he got it or what he did with it when he had it.
+
+(2) That the fact of its being under water would not impair its value in
+any way and at the same time would give an historical flavour to every
+glass of mitigated whisky thereafter drunk in the City of Glasgow.
+
+(3) That it could very easily be shifted a bit up the hill if it is
+desired to keep it dry, and a small permanent umbrella erected over it.
+
+With regard to ROB ROY'S birthplace the contention is that it is
+practically impossible to construct a new reservoir in these days
+anywhere north of the Tweed which will not interfere in some way with
+one or other of the places where ROB ROY was born.
+
+It is not only Scotchmen, however, who have been touched to the quick by
+this irreverent and thoughtless proposal. The whole literary profession
+is up in arms. A memorial is being prepared to be presented to the PRIME
+MINISTER, under the heading, "Hands off ROB ROY!" _Mr. Punch_ himself
+has not been idle in the matter. He has spent the last week in eliciting
+the opinions of some of our leading writers on this vital question.
+
+Mr. WILLIAM DE MORGAN (in a charming, if rather discursive, letter of
+32,000 words) demands legislation. "Who knows," he asks, "to what
+lengths this modern craze for water supplies may go? It is even possible
+that, within a century, attempts may be made to submerge that delightful
+little cottage in the county of Essex where Ghost met Ghost."
+
+Mr. BERNARD SHAW, interviewed on his doorstep, derided the action of the
+Glasgow Corporation. No amount of water, he told our representative,
+could have the least effect in making our modern cities less beastly
+than they were. For his part, however, he was taking no risks. He had
+that morning arranged for the erection of a spiked iron fence twenty
+feet high round the (supposed) birthplace of _Eliza Doolittle._
+
+Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT writes:--"I have every sympathy with the widespread
+indignation of my fellow-authors, but personally I am not very closely
+concerned. My position is secure: no one is likely to tamper with the
+Five Towns in an attempt to improve their washing facilities."
+
+"Might I suggest to the learned pundits of the House of Lords, if it is
+not too late," writes Mrs. FLORENCE BARCLAY, "that a writer who, in his
+day, enjoyed such a circulation as that of Sir WALTER SCOTT--this is, of
+course, fundamentally a question of circulation--is not to be treated in
+this cavalier fashion? For oneself, whatever fate may be in store for
+the precious local associations of one's past work, it is fortunately
+possible to make the future secure. I am laying the scene of my new
+romance, of which the fifth chapter is almost completed, on the top of
+an inaccessible hill."
+
+Mr. H. G. WELLS points out that there is no particular need in his case
+to take action. He hopes that by the day when the conditions in time and
+space of his latest novel come into being every household in the country
+will be supplied with its own water by a process of filtered absorption
+from the atmosphere.
+
+It is anticipated that something definite will be done by the special
+committee of the Authors Society which has been appointed with the view
+of extending the law of copyright so as to secure the author's undoubted
+property in his local associations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BILLET DOUX.
+
+
+Monday's breakfast is never a jovial affair. One always has the feeling
+that something dreadful has happened or is going to happen. Thus, three
+days ago I had with a light heart handed over my practice to a locum and
+my books to an accountant, telling the one to look up my bad patients
+and the other to look up my bad debts, while I went away to end the week
+with the Wrefords. Twelve hours ago it had seemed that I should never
+know such happiness in this world again as I had found with them, and
+here we all were on Monday morning with everything changed, Mrs. Wreford
+sulking in bed and Wreford displaying a polite but firm hatred of me and
+all the world. In this case my feeling was that something dreadful _was_
+happening.
+
+"Mornin', Wreford," said I, as I took my place at table.
+
+"Mornin', Everall," he grunted, barely looking up from his letters, and
+that seemed to end the dialogue. When, however, one's host is also one's
+most valuable patient, there is call for a special effort. He had all
+the correspondence, I had none; in an emergency this suggested itself as
+a matter of comment.
+
+"To me," I said chattily, "things seem to be just as badly managed at
+the Post Office as they were in SAMUEL'S time."
+
+"Was there a post office in those days?" he asked, without noticeable
+enthusiasm.
+
+"_The_ SAMUEL HERBERT," I explained, and that again seemed to end it.
+
+After a pause, "However," I said kindly, "you enjoy your letters and I
+will find what consolation and company I can in a poached egg."
+
+"Enjoy?" asked Wreford. "But you are being sarcastic, no doubt."
+
+"Only panel doctors can afford to be that," I murmured.
+
+Wreford's first letter appeared to pain him, and he looked at me
+sternly, as if the evils of this life were all my fault. Then he unbent
+a little.
+
+"Tell me, Everall," said he, "have you enjoyed your little visit to us?"
+
+The question took me by surprise but it was, at any rate, one to be
+answered in the affirmative.
+
+"And you are proportionately grateful?" he pursued.
+
+I protested, somewhat lamely, that I most certainly was.
+
+"Gratitude, it seems," said he, "may express itself in the most odd
+manner."
+
+"Mine," I replied stiffly, "will express itself in the customary
+letter."
+
+"What, another?" he asked, adding, after a pause, "Do you refer to the
+note which your solicitors will write me forthwith and charge me
+three-and-sixpence for?"
+
+I thought deeply but was baffled. "It is full early in the morning for
+the cryptic and abstruse," I said.
+
+Wreford sighed as he slowly folded up his letter and put it in its
+envelope. "It is the one moment in the week," he explained, "when the
+very worst must be expected."
+
+I begged him to elucidate the position.
+
+"Suppose," said he, "you had invited a man to stay with you for the
+week-end, had motored him down from town on the Friday night and given
+him dinner and a nice big bed, and on Saturday more meals and more bed,
+and on Sunday still more meals and still more bed, and on the Monday
+morning a nice yellow-and-white poached egg all to himself."
+
+"I quite appreciate all that," said I.
+
+"And suppose, while he was still sitting at your table and working his
+way through the bit of toast where the egg once sat, you received a
+letter from him."
+
+"A letter from me?" I cried.
+
+"You said your thanks would be expressed in a letter, but the
+promptitude of it has surprised even yourself, hasn't it? I should have
+received it yesterday, but that there is no Sunday post, happily."
+
+"You remember I said I was very grateful," said I, still not
+understanding.
+
+"And I said that gratitude had a queer way of expressing itself
+sometimes," said he, handing over the letter at last. "Read it aloud,"
+he added; "I find the style original."
+
+"Harley Street, W. 25th April, 1914," I read. "Thomas Wreford, Esquire,
+debtor to John Everall. For professional services, 1912 to 1913,
+thirty-eight guineas."
+
+"Go on," he said. "The postscript is where your gratitude becomes the
+most exuberant."
+
+"Your attention will oblige," I finished.
+
+"Well, what do you think of it?" he asked with a smile.
+
+"I prefer not to," said I, also smiling tentatively.
+
+There was a silence. "However," said Wreford eventually, "let us say no
+more about it." At this my smile became firmer and more expansive. "Let
+us agree," he said significantly, "to let bygones be bygones."
+
+My smile died out suddenly, as smiles do on a Monday morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In practice yesterday Mr. Hilton did 72 in a three-hole match."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+We must challenge him at once.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  HIGHWAY LOOT.
+
+
+    Ah! the lapse of courtly manners,
+      Ah! the change from knighthood's code
+    Since the day when oil and spanners
+      Ousted horseflesh from the road!
+    This I realised most fully
+      Last week-end at Potter's Bar
+    When a beetle-flattening bully
+      Held me up in Laura's car.
+
+    "Where," I shouted, "are the graces,
+      Officer, of days long dead?
+    Never mind how hot our pace is,
+      Conjure up the past instead;
+    Dream of chaises and postilions,
+      Turnpike bars that ope and shut;
+    Try to get some more resilience
+      Into your confounded nut.
+
+    "Blooms are bursting in the covers
+      Even as they burst to-day
+    (Not to mention tyres); two lovers
+      Post to Scotland, let us say;
+    Sudden from the hedge comes TURPIN,
+      Pistols cocked and debonair;
+    Both the horses stand up perpen-
+      dicularly in the air.
+
+    "What occurs? The gallant caitiff,
+      Noticing the swain is poor
+    (Courtesy with him is native,
+      Not like you, suburban boor),
+    Bows, and says in accents sunny,
+      'Pass along, Sir--make good speed;
+    I'm convinced you've got no money
+      And I do not want your bleed.
+
+    "'Sweet be Maytime to your noses;
+      Short is life, but love is sweet,
+    There's a city man named Moses
+      Whom I've simply got to meet;
+    On you go, you two young larkers;'
+      Then he bids his Jew disgorge
+    Or reserves his brace of barkers
+      For the coach of D. LLOYD GEORGE.
+
+    "Such the good high Toby fashion;
+      Surely in your bosom stirs,
+    Constable, a like compassion
+      For our two poor cylinders;
+    All we have is vile and shoddy;
+      See that low-hung touring brute--
+    There's a bonnet! there's a body
+      Worthy of a road-knight's loot!"
+
+    Thus I spake; but, still phlegmatic,
+      Imperturbable and stout,
+    Rendering Doric for my Attic,
+      Robert pulled his note-book out;
+    Said, "Me dooty is me dooty,"
+      And retiring to his trench
+    Pondered further schemes of booty
+      For the footpads on the Bench.
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The enthusiasm of the people was so great that it was not damped
+    by a real Scotch milk."--_Liverpool Courier._
+
+When did whisky ever damp the enthusiasm of a Scotch crowd?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS.
+
+Illustration: _Harlequin._ "Never Mind, My Dear; I'll Have A Few Words
+To Say To The Limelight Man About This!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE CARD-SHARPERS.
+
+_Near Female._ "Stop Cheating For A Minute While I Get My Portrait
+Taken."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A PHANTASY IN THE CENTRAL HALL.--"CAUGHT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A DEADLOCK.
+
+"IF WE GO FORWARD WE'LL GET SUNSTROKE, AND IF WE GO BACK THERE'S A
+BLIZZARD; SO WE MAY AS WELL STOP WHERE WE ARE AND HAVE OUR PICTURE
+PAINTED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FLOODS IN THE THAMES VALLEY.
+
+The family of a well-known stockbroker takes advantage of the situation
+to practise a little first-aid, and incidentally get on with the week's
+washing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: SINGULAR APATHY OF AGRICULTURAL LABOURERS DURING AN INVASION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Sea-Maiden._ "Catch me!"
+
+_The Shrimp-Hunter (regretfully)._ "I'D LIKE TO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THIS
+IS THE CLOSE SEASON FOR MERMAIDS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE ART OF ACHIEVING THE IMPOSSIBLE--A CUBIST PICTURE GETS
+A PLACE ON THE LINE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: YOUTHFUL ATHLETES, WHILE TRAINING FOR THE NEXT OLYMPIC GAMES
+(THREE-LEGGED RACE), ARE HAMPERED BY THE PRESENCE OF LARGE, FIERCE
+BIRDS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Territorial._ "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR
+MANOEUVRES, BILL?"
+
+_Second Territorial (hitherto unacquainted with field-days)._ "THANK
+'EVIN WE'VE GOT A NIVY!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BELOW THE WEIR.
+
+
+    Beyond the punt the swallows go
+    Like blue-black arrows to and fro,
+    Now stooping where the rushes grow,
+        Now flashing o'er a shallow;
+    And overhead in blue and white
+    High Spring and Summer hold delight;
+    "All right!" the black-cap calls, "All right!"
+        His mate says from the sallow.
+
+    O dancing stream, O diamond day,
+    O charm of lilac-time and May.
+    O whispering meadows green and gay,
+        O fair things past believing!
+    Could but the world stand still, stand still
+    When over wood and stream and hill
+    This morn's eternal miracle
+        The rosy Hours are weaving!
+
+    Eternal, for I like to think
+    That mayflowers, crimson, white and pink,
+    When I am dust the boughs shall prink,
+        On days to live and die for;
+    That sun and cloud, as now, shall veer,
+    And streams run tumbling off the weir,
+    Where still the mottled trout rolls clear
+        For other men to try for.
+
+    I like to think, when I shall go
+    To this essential dust, that so
+    I yet may share in flowers that blow,
+        And with such brave sights mingle,
+    If tossed by summer breeze on high
+    I'm carried where the cuckoos cry
+    And dropped beside old Thames to lie
+        A sand-grain on a shingle.
+
+    Meanwhile the swallows flash and skim
+    Like blue-black arrows notched and trim,
+    And splendid kingcups lift a brim
+        Of gold to king or peasant,
+    And 'neath a sky of blue and white
+    High Spring with Summer weaves delight;
+    "All right!" the black-cap calls, "all right!"
+        And life is very pleasant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LANGUAGE OF COLOUR.
+
+
+"My dear Clarice," I said, "I may say, in the circumstances, my very
+dear Clarice, I like being engaged--to you, that is; no, I've never been
+engaged before--but I don't see the sense of getting married. Even the
+State seems to deride the idea of our union."
+
+"What do you mean?" said Clarice. "I'm almost alarmed. Have they
+discovered that you suffered from toothache as a boy?"
+
+"It isn't," I said, "a question of eugenics. I was at Somerset House
+to-day getting a copy of my birth certificate, and----"
+
+"They surely didn't say anything about our engagement at Somerset House.
+I didn't suppose they even knew of it," said Clarice.
+
+"Ill news travels apace," I said. "But that by the way. I was about to
+say that red is a noble colour. It is a bold, a striking colour. A day
+on which a great event occurs is called 'a red letter day.' Black, on
+the other hand, may mean nothing, or it may denote sadness."
+
+"Why this going off at a tangent?" said Clarice. "Why this dissertation
+on colours?"
+
+"I say, that's a good word--I mean that long one just near the end. Did
+you really learn it, or did you merely come by it? But, as I was saying,
+red is a colour used for indicating notable events. The State considers
+a birth is a notable event. Birth certificates are printed in red."
+
+"And death certificates," said Clarice, "in black, I suppose?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "a delicate hint that the State feels sad."
+
+"And marriage certificates?" asked Clarice.
+
+"Ah!" I said, "that's the strange thing. Nothing may be implied really,
+but it is significant that they print them in----"
+
+"Purple?" said Clarice eagerly.
+
+"Verdant green," I said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE NEW SHYLOCK.
+
+MR. REDMOND. "LOOK HERE, I UNDERSTOOD YOU WERE TO GET ME MY FULL POUND
+OF FLESH!"
+
+MR. ASQUITH (_his counsel_). "YES, YES, I KNOW: BUT IT RATHER LOOKS NOW
+AS IF WE MIGHT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THREE-QUARTERS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: MR. LLOYD GEORGE Regards MR. BALFOUR'S Attitude as
+Bellicose.
+
+"If every conciliatory offer put forward by the Government is to be
+treated in the spirit displayed by the right hon. gentleman, that is the
+way to promote civil war."
+
+    _Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE BILL AND THE AMENDING BILL.
+
+_Nurse ASQUITH._ "Now, take the powder like a good boy."
+
+_Master BONAR LAW._ "Where's the jam?"
+
+_Nurse ASQUITH._ "Oh, that comes later."
+
+_Master BONAR LAW._ "Well, I want to see it now. What's it made of?"
+
+_Nurse ASQUITH._ "I must have notice of that question."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 11._--For a while PRIME MINISTER'S
+protest against inordinate questioning, his announcement of
+determination not to take part in further shorter catechism more or less
+distantly related to the "plot" and the "coup," had wholesome effect. As
+he stated, since the plot was discovered he had made seven hundred
+replies to friendly inquiries. A Member below Gangway to his right added
+the seven hundred and first. Wanted to know whether it is true that the
+argumentative questions crowding the notice paper are the product of a
+factory in the neighbourhood of Parliament Street, presided over by an
+official whose name suggests that he has been "made in Germany."
+Expeditiously turned out, as from a sausage machine, is it true that
+they are nicely sorted and distributed among Members of the Opposition,
+who in turn pelt the PREMIER with them?
+
+After brief lull epidemic breaks out afresh. Twenty-three Questions
+addressed to PRIME MINISTER to-day appear on printed paper. As each,
+with the aid of semi-colons, represents two, three, occasionally five
+distinct queries they reach aggregate of half a hundred. This not
+counting Supplementaries.
+
+Happily the PREMIER is incomparable master of the rare art of brief
+reply, wherein he presents pleasing contrast to the manner of his old
+master, GLADSTONE. Had he chanced to be Premier when the Fourth Party
+were struggling into notoriety their task would have been more
+difficult, their triumph delayed if not unattainable.
+
+When GRANDOLPH, WOLFF and GORST, with PRINCE ARTHUR looking on, set
+themselves to "draw GLADSTONE," as was their custom of an afternoon,
+that astute personage became as a child in their hands. GRANDOLPH led
+off with a question, to which long reply was made. WOLFF, profusely
+grateful for the right hon. gentleman's courtesy, shunted the PREMIER on
+to another track, along which he cheerfully sprinted. Then came JOHN O'
+GORST. With the subtlety of a trained but not practising barrister he
+put a third question, drawing a third speech. Thus merrily sped a
+quarter of an hour or twenty minutes, deferring by so much the progress
+of public business.
+
+ASQUITH'S share in the conversation at the Question hour is based on a
+familiar Biblical injunction. It is largely composed of "Yea, yea," and
+"Nay, nay." In the case alluded to, wherein the Fourth Party gave play
+to their insatiable desire for information, he would have replied to
+GRANDOLPH, "Yes, Sir;" to WOLFF, "No, Sir." Had he been exceptionally
+lured into verbosity he might have gone as far as to say, "The answer is
+in the negative," or "in the affirmative," as the case might be. As for
+JOHN O' GORST, he would have referred him to a speech made on a
+particular preceding date, "to which I have nothing to add."
+
+_Business done._--LLOYD GEORGE further explains his Budget. Resolutions
+founded thereupon agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--What at outset promised to be businesslike debate verging on
+dulness suddenly leapt into flame and fury, signifying angry passion
+stirred by Home Rule Bill. In studiously moderate speech PREMIER moved
+resolution identical with that adopted last year, whereby Committee
+stage of Home Rule Bill, Welsh Church Disestablishment and Plural Voting
+will be forgone. Pointed out that Committee stage is designed for
+purpose of providing opportunity of amending Bills. Since under
+Parliament Act none of these measures can be amended in the Commons,
+what use to go into Committee on them?
+
+Being in increasingly businesslike mood PREMIER went a step further.
+Abandoned proposal to submit and discuss "suggestions" to Home Rule
+Bill. Authoritatively announced by WALTER LONG and others that the Lords
+are predetermined to throw it out on second reading. What use then to
+formulate and discuss suggestions that could be dealt with by the Lords
+only in subsequent Committee? Finally announced intention of getting
+Bill through all Parliamentary stages before Whitsuntide, placing it on
+Statute Book by automatic process of Parliament Act. Will then bring in
+Amending Bill dealing with Ulster.
+
+It was PRINCE ARTHUR who roused crowded House from chilled condition
+following upon douche of this application of ordinary business
+principles to legislative procedure. In best fighting form. Stirred to
+profoundest depths of scorn for actual working of that detested statute,
+the Parliament Act.
+
+"We are," he said, amid strident cheers from Opposition, welcoming their
+old captain back to the fighting line, "asked to force through under the
+Parliament Act a Bill which by hypothesis requires amendment. What is
+worse than that is that we are to be compelled to read it a third time
+and to part with it while we know that it is to be amended, but while we
+have not the smallest conception in what respects or in what way."
+Insisted that before Home Rule Bill is added to Statute Book Parliament
+should know in what points it would be amended. "Let us have the
+Amending Bill first."
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR having stirred the embers of slumbering fire, CHANCELLOR
+OF EXCHEQUER vigorously fanned them.
+
+"If," he said, "every conciliatory offer put forward by the Government
+is to be treated in the spirit displayed by the right hon. gentleman,
+that is the way to promote civil war."
+
+Hereupon storm burst over Opposition quarters. Shouts of "Shame!" and
+"Liar" hurtled through the suddenly heated atmosphere. The CHANCELLOR'S
+attempt to proceed with his speech baffled by continuous
+cry,--"Withdraw! Withdraw!" At length SPEAKER interposed with suggestion
+that the CHANCELLOR had been misunderstood. Claimed for him the right of
+explanation. This conceded, LLOYD GEORGE pointed out that what he had
+meant to say was that argument such as that forthcoming from Front
+Opposition Bench, making it difficult for the Government to submit
+proposals of peace, would have effect of promoting civil war.
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR naturally falling into "old style" of House of Commons
+debate, not only frankly accepted explanation but chivalrously took upon
+himself blame of the outbreak, which he said "apparently arose from an
+unfortunate expression of mine." Ended with pretty turn of grave satire
+that greatly pleased the House.
+
+After this, debate quietly proceeded to appointed end, everyone mutely
+invoking
+
+    Blessings on the falling out
+      That all the more endears,
+    When we fall out with those we love
+      And kiss again with tears.
+
+_Business done._--PREMIER'S resolution carried by 276 votes against 194.
+Majority 82. House of Lords by common consent passed second reading of
+useful little Bill for protection of grey seals threatened with
+extinction by mercenary sportsmen.
+
+_Thursday._--Remarkable how SHAKSPEARE (or was it BACON?) wrote not only
+for all time but for all circumstance. The marvel came to light again in
+scene in House yesterday.
+
+Writing of the time of _Romeo and Juliet_ SHAKSPEARE reports dialogue
+between two fighting men of the houses of _Capulet_ and _Montague._
+Meeting _Sampson_ in a public place in Verona, _Abram_ truculently asks,
+"Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir?
+
+_Sam._ I do bite my thumb, Sir.
+
+_Abr._ Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir?
+
+_Sam. (aside, to his comrade _Gregory). Is the law on our side if I say
+ay?
+
+_Greg._ No.
+
+_Sam._ No, Sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, Sir; but I bite my
+thumb."
+
+KINLOCH-COOKE, having put question to WEDGWOOD BENN, following it up by
+two supplementary inquiries, put a third when the SPEAKER interposed.
+Shrugging his shoulders in silent protest against this tyranny
+KINLOCH-COOKE resumed his seat.
+
+Said the SPEAKER sternly, "It is no good shrugging your shoulders at
+me."
+
+This is prosaic account of incident given in this morning's papers.
+Refer to _Hansard_ and see how it runs.
+
+_SPEAKER._ Do you shrug your shoulders at me, Sir?
+
+_KINLOCH-COOKE._ I do shrug my shoulders, Sir.
+
+_SPEAKER._ Do you shrug your shoulders at me, Sir?
+
+_KINLOCH-COOKE (aside to WINTERTON)._ Is there anything in the Standing
+Orders that forbids my shrugging my shoulders at the SPEAKER?
+
+_WINTERTON (who is training for Speakership and has them all by heart)._
+Yes.
+
+_KINLOCH-COOKE._ No, Sir, I do not shrug my shoulders at you, Sir; but I
+shrug my shoulders.
+
+_SPEAKER._ Order! Order!
+
+_Business done._--Another plot that failed. For some weeks Opposition
+have not attempted to snap a division. Ministerialists, lulled into
+sense of security, off guard. Secret preparations sedulously made for
+trapping them this afternoon. Questions over, division challenged on
+formal motion. Ministerial Whips awake in good time to emergency. Urgent
+messages had been sent out to their men by telephone and special
+messengers. Arrivals watched with feverish interest. Ministerialists
+hurriedly drop in by twos and threes, presently by tens. ILLINGWORTH'S
+massive brow, temporarily seared with wrinkles, smooths out. When, after
+division, Clerk hands paper to him indicating that ambush has been
+baffled, hilarious cheer rises from Ministerial benches. Renewed when
+figures read by the SPEAKER show that the motion is carried by 255 votes
+against 234.
+
+"Not a high-class game in imperial politics," says SARK. "Rather akin to
+the humour of making a butter slide on the pavement for the discomfiture
+of unsuspecting passers-by. But boys will be boys."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Mr. ROWLAND HUNT IN HIS BEST FORM.
+
+"I don't know [laughter] what honourable Members [renewed laughter] are
+laughing about [loud and prolonged laughter.]"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NATIONAL CALAMITY.
+
+GREAT PERFORMER CONTEMPLATES RETIREMENT.
+
+
+Once more the Atlantic liner has delivered Mr. Bamborough (_n�_
+Bamberger) back to us, and once more British concert-goers should in
+consequence rejoice. But their natural jubilations are unfortunately
+tempered by a momentous announcement which the great violinist made to
+our representative at Plymouth last week, on the arrival of the _Julius
+C�sar,_ to the effect that he has decided to retire from the active
+pursuit of his profession. On receiving the news of this national
+calamity our representative fell into a heavy swoon, and was revived
+with some difficulty. The thought of the permanent withdrawal from
+public life in his golden prime of the great virtuoso, with his opulent
+physique, his superbly Mosaic features and his luxuriant chevelure, was
+altogether too poignantly overwhelming. Let us hasten then to reassure
+our readers that the blow, though it must inevitably descend one day, is
+mercifully deferred for a considerable period. To begin with, Mr.
+Bamborough is under contract to give five farewell tours in the United
+States at intervals of four years before entering upon the penultimate
+stage of his severance from the British concert platform. This, which
+will begin in the autumn of 1934, is likely to continue until the year
+1948, when he is booked for an extended tour in Polynesia, Japan, New
+Guinea and Java. On his return to England in 1950 he proposes to give
+sixty farewell recitals at intervals of three months, culminating in a
+grand concert at the Albert Hall.
+
+"And then," mused the illustrious artist, "farewell to the platform for
+ever! I find it hard indeed to realise that the concert-going public and
+I by that time will have been intimate friends for more than seventy
+years, but so it will be, for I was only nine when I made my first
+appearance in London, in a velvet knickerbocker suit with pearl buttons
+and a Fauntleroy collar. Still, it will all make a lovely retrospect for
+me, and when I finally retire it will be with a heart very full of
+gratitude to my generous friends in all four hemispheres of the globe."
+
+"And after that?" suggested our representative, now partially restored
+by these reassuring tidings.
+
+"After that--literature," was the emphatic reply. "I have already signed
+a contract with Messrs. Goodleigh and Champ to write my Reminiscences in
+the form of a Musical Encyclop�dia. My father-in-law, Sir Pompey
+Boldero, is giving me valuable assistance in preparing the material, but
+as he is already sixty-five I cannot, unhappily, count with absolute
+confidence on his being spared to witness the completion of the work.
+Still, he is so full of vigour that M. METCHNIKOFF considers his chances
+of becoming a centenarian decidedly promising. In any case the
+collaboration of my children, whose filial devotion is only equalled by
+their talent, is secured, and Mrs. Bamborough, as you know, wields a
+vivid and trenchant pen. But literature will not occupy all my time. My
+estancia in the Argentine will need supervision, and I hope to spend an
+occasional summer in the Solomon Islands, where the natives are
+strangely attached to us."
+
+Mr. Bamborough pointed out that Sir JOHNSTON FORBES-ROBERTSON, who also
+returned by the _Julius C�sar,_ had only drawn receipts amounting to
+�107,000 in a tour of thirty weeks' duration, while he (Mr. Bamborough)
+had netted no less than �150,000 in a tour lasting twenty-seven weeks
+and three days. In addition to the receipts in specie, Mr. Bamborough
+had received several nuggets from the gold miners in Colorado, and a
+bull moose from Mr. KERMIT ROOSEVELT, while Mrs. Bamborough had been the
+recipient of a highly-trained bobolink, and a charming young
+alligator from the cedar swamps of Louisiana.
+
+Other notable passengers on the _Julius C�sar_ were Miss Topsy Cooney,
+the famous coloured pianist, who plays only on the black keys and
+entirely by ear; Little Dinky, the marvellous calculating boy, who does
+not know the names of the numbers; and Elaine Runnymede, the child
+contralto, who can only sing the whole tone scale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Small Brother (whose sisters are working for their girl
+guides' ambulance badge)._ "Come on, here's A bit of luck for you. I've
+made Rupert's nose bleed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+From a catalogue:--
+
+    "Also made in cheaper and better quality models."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Grumpy._ "Better put the diamond in the safe, my boy.
+You'll be ruined if anybody steals it."
+
+_Ernest._ "Yes, but the play will be ruined if nobody does."
+
+    _Grumpy_ Mr. CYRIL MAUDE.
+    _Ernest Heron._ Mr. EDWARD COMBEMERE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "GRUMPY."
+(_As it might as well have been._)
+
+ACT I.--THE CRIME.
+
+
+=Scene--_Mr. "Grumpy" Bullivant's_ library. Enter his grand-daughter
+_Virginia_ and _Mrs. Maclaren._=
+
+_Mrs. Maclaren._ What a remarkable man Mr. Jarvis seems to be, dear--so
+amusing at dinner! And he writes for _Tiddly Bits,_ he tells me. Where
+_did_ you meet him?
+
+_Virginia._ Quite accidentally in Hyde Park. He told grandfather a long
+story about a gold brick, and grandfather was so charmed with him he
+asked him down at once for the week-end.
+
+_Mrs. Maclaren._ Such a knowledge of character your grandfather has,
+love.
+
+_Virginia._ Yes, but you must remember he used to be the cleverest
+criminal lawyer of his time. He saw directly that Mr. Jarvis was a nice
+man.
+
+[=Exeunt.=
+
+=Enter _Ernest Heron_ and _"Grumpy"_ by opposite doors.=
+
+_Grumpy_ _(when the audiences delight at seeing _Mr. CYRIL MAUDE_ again
+has at last been got under)._ Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow; tut-tut-tut-tut-tut
+(_and other old-gentleman noises_). Ah, Ernest, my boy, what are you
+doing here?
+
+_Ernest._ Just back from Africa, uncle, with a diamond weighing--I mean
+costing--ninety thousand pounds in my belt, which I'm taking up to the
+firm in London. May I sleep here?
+
+_Grumpy._ Do, my boy. (=Enter _Mr. Jarvis._=) Ah, Mr. Jarvis, let me
+introduce my nephew, Mr. Heron. He's just back from Africa with a----
+(_To himself_) No, perhaps better not. Well, good night to you both.
+Wow-wow-wow, tut-tut-tut-tut.
+
+[=Exit, followed, by _Mr. Jarvis._=
+
+=_Ernest_ is left alone with his diamond. Seeing a suspicious shadow at
+the window he rushes to it and leans out, so as to give anybody a chance
+of sand-bagging him. The chance going begging, he takes his diamond from
+his belt to see if it is still there. The only other precaution he can
+think of is to draw the curtains. At this moment a hand steals through
+the door and turns out the lights. A terrible struggle in the dark
+ensues; there is a noise of somebody's larynx going; and then the
+curtain goes down and up ... to disclose, the body of poor _Ernest_ on
+the floor. Is he dead? Certainly not; he's got to marry _Virginia_; but
+the diamond is gone.=
+
+Act II.--THE SLEUTH-HOUND.
+
+
+=Time--Next morning.=
+
+_Grumpy._ Tut-tut. Is everything just as it was last night? Very well,
+then. You say that when you discovered Mr. Ernest he was lying on his
+back, and in his right hand he was clutching this--what did you call it?
+
+_Ruddock (the valet)._ A dicky, Sir. A detachable shirt-front.
+
+_Grumpy._ Excellent. Then the first question is--to whom did
+this--er--richard belong?
+
+_Ruddock._ Yes, Sir.
+
+_Grumpy (musing)._ Could it have been his own? In the fierceness of the
+struggle might he have torn it off in order to give himself greater
+freedom? Was he offering it to his assailant as a bribe? Was he--but
+first we must find if he was wearing one at all. Call Susan.
+
+=Enter _Susan,_ the lady's-maid.=
+
+_Grumpy._ Susan, you were the first to see Mr. Ernest when he came in
+last night. Did you happen to notice if he was wearing a detachable
+shirt-front, a--h'm--dicky?
+
+_Susan._ Yes, Sir.
+
+_Grumpy._ Ah! (=He hands her the all-important clue.=) Was this it?
+
+_Susan (=examining it=)._ No, Sir.
+
+_Grumpy._ Tut-tut, are you sure?
+
+_Susan._ Yes, Sir; Mr. Ernest's was an india-rubber one. I know, because
+he said he'd been travelling all day, and he asked me to sponge it for
+him.
+
+_Grumpy._ Thank you, Susan. Ruddock, we must find that india-rubber
+richard. If Ernest has his assailant's shirt-front, what more likely
+than that his assailant has Ernest's? Probably they exchanged them
+before the battle, as, you may remember, Glaucus and Diomed did at the
+siege of Troy.
+
+_Ruddock._ Yes, Sir.
+
+_Grumpy._ Every shirt-front we see we must suspect. Let us go and look
+for some. [=Exeunt.=
+
+=Enter _Jarvis_ and _Virginia._=
+
+_Virginia._ Still in evening dress, Mr. Jarvis?
+
+_Jarvis._ Yes, I was so busy fetching the doctor last night that I had
+no time to change. I am going back to London now. (=Tenderly=) I should
+like to think you had some little memento of me. (=He removes his shirt
+front.=) Keep this and think of me sometimes when you look at it.
+
+_Virginia._ Oh, Mr. Jarvis! But I must give _you_ something too. (=She
+goes out and returns with one of her grandfather's shirt-fronts.=) Wear
+this in place of the one you have given me--always. [=Exit.=
+
+=Re-enter _Grumpy._=
+
+_Grumpy._ Now, Mr. Jarvis, I wonder if you would help me. You were the
+first to find the body last night. Would you mind lying down in the
+position in which it lay? It may give me an important clue.
+
+_Jarvis._ Certainly. (=He prepares to lie down.=)
+
+_Grumpy._ Take care, you mustn't crumple your shirt-front. Perhaps it
+removes? Ah, allow me. (=He detaches it and hastily substitutes the
+other one for it.=) Ah, thank you so much. Here is your shirt-front
+again.
+
+[=Exit _Jarvis._=
+
+_Ruddock (=eagerly=)._ Is that it, Sir?
+
+_Grumpy_ (=examining Jarvis's shirt-front carefully=). No, linen,
+confound it. Ruddock, we _must_ find that india-rubber richard. Who has
+it? Ah!
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+ACT III.--TRAPPED.
+
+
+=Scene--_Jarvis's_ rooms in London.=
+
+_Keble (his man)._ Terrible thing that assault on Mr. Heron, Sir.
+
+_Jarvis._ Yes, terrible.
+
+_Keble._ I hope they don't suspect me of it, Sir.
+
+_Jarvis._ Why on earth should they suspect _you_?
+
+_Keble._ Well, I was known to be jealous of Mr. Heron, Sir. I found
+Susan sponging his shirt-front, and Susan and I are as good as engaged.
+_Jarvis (=mildly interested=)._ How _can_ you sponge a shirt-front?
+
+_Keble._ It was an india-rubber one, Sir; they sponge off quite clean,
+and save the laundry bill, Sir. My----
+
+_Jarvis._ Good Heavens, I'm ruined!
+
+=Enter _Isaac Wolfe,_ his partner. Exit _Keble._=
+
+_Wolfe._ Got the diamond, my boy?
+
+_Jarvis (moodily)._ Yes ... I'm done for; I must leave the country.
+
+_Wolfe._ What d'you mean? You've got the diamond?
+
+_Jarvis (rapidly)._ I throttled him in the dark and got the diamond. My
+shirt-front fell off in the struggle. I noticed one on the floor and
+picked it up. I thought it was mine. It was his; his had fallen off too;
+and he was found with mine in his hand.
+
+_Wolfe._ Well, why did you leave it there?
+
+_Jarvis._ I thought it was his own--and that, anyhow, as long as we each
+had one, no one would notice. But his was an india-rubber one!
+
+_Wolfe._ And that's the one you've got now? Well, burn it.
+
+_Jarvis (=burying his face in his hands=)._ It isn't! I cannot! I gave it
+to Miss Bullivant. (=Grimly=) But I shall get it back again.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+ACT IV.--THE SLEUTH-HOUND'S TRIUMPH.
+
+
+=The Library again.=
+
+_Grumpy._ Well, Virginia, and how's Ernest? Better, hey! He ought----
+Good heavens, child, what's that you've got in your hand?
+
+_Virginia._ Just a dicky, grandfather.
+
+_Grumpy (excitedly)._ Let me look ... Virginia, it's an india-rubber
+one! (_Sternly_) Where did you get this?
+
+_Virginia._ Mr. Jarvis gave it to me.
+
+_Grumpy._ Mr. Jarvis! Aha! (=He hides behind the sofa.=)
+
+=Enter _Mr. Jarvis._=
+
+_Jarvis (-to _Virginia_=)._ I'm afraid my conduct must seem very strange,
+but I had to come back to see you. I--er--lost the shirt-front you gave
+me. Could you let me have my own back again? You see, I'm going abroad
+and I must have _one._
+
+_Grumpy (=popping his head up=)._ Ah, Mr. Jarvis, did I hear you asking
+for a shirt-front? Allow me to offer you one--an india-rubber one, Mr.
+Jarvis! (=_Jarvis blenches._=) And the price, Mr. Jarvis, is the diamond
+in your waistcoat-pocket!
+
+CURTAIN--=except that _Ernest_ gets engaged to _Virginia_ first.=
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Postscript._--On reading this through I feel that it hardly does
+justice to the clever acting of Mr. MAUDE as an always delightful old
+gentleman, the excellent support given him by the rest of the company,
+and the pleasantly exciting melodrama provided for them by Messrs.
+HORACE HODGES and T. W. PERCYVAL. To all of them my thanks for an
+entertaining evening.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Pat (having hung up an ostrich's egg on the hen-house
+door)._ "There, ye deginerate little spalpeens, look at that and thry
+what ye can do!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter to _The Scotsman_:--
+
+    "It goes without saying that when recognising a friend in the
+    street one raises one's hat by the hand removed from that friend."
+
+Of course. But it is proper to return the hand immediately after the
+little ceremony with a few words of thanks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "For the latter an excuse must be offered in that he was badly hit
+    on the left hip by the previous ball--a yorker--to that which
+    bowled him."--_Evening News._
+
+In the over before he had been stunned by a sneak.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Yorkshire Daily Observer_ on the income tax:--
+
+    "A Bradford widow has been left with five children under 15 years
+    of age. Her income is �300 a ear."
+
+Or �3,600 in all. We refuse to be moved by her hard case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miscellaneous Volumes. 10s. per cwt. (No theology.)
+
+    Theology. 5s. 6d. per cwt."--_Catalogue._
+
+Money being tight, we are ordering 8 stone 7 lbs. of theology for the
+drawing-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Government has introduced another Bill to regulate the sale of
+    milk and the inspection of dairies. This disgracefully dilutory
+    Parliament of ours has been playing with similar Bills for five
+    years."--_Daily Herald._
+
+The dilutory milkman is really more to blame.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDIATION.
+
+
+[SCENE--_A room at Niagara Falls. The Argentine, the Brazilian and the
+Chilian mediators are mediating; that is to say, they are sitting on
+rocking chairs not very close to a large table covered with papers,
+pens, ink, etc. A deep noise of falling water pervades the air. Out of
+compliment to Canada the conversation is carried on in English._]
+
+_Argentine Mediator._ Cold, isn't it?
+
+_Brazilian Mediator._ Yes, there's a great deal of cold in the
+atmosphere.
+
+_Chilian Mediator._ We often get it colder than this in Chili.
+
+(_A pause._)
+
+_A. M._ There's a lot of water coming down.
+
+_B. M._ Yes, and it keeps coming, too, doesn't it?
+
+_C. M._ It isn't as noisy as I thought it would be, though.
+
+_A. M._ Oh, I don't know. It's quite noisy enough.
+
+_B. M._ Yes, it's very difficult to concentrate one's mind. We've got a
+waterfall in Brazil which has the same effect. You can't do any work
+near it. People go there for a rest-cure.
+
+_C. M._ There are a good many waterfalls in Chili, too, and they make
+more noise than this one.
+
+(_A pause._)
+
+_A. M._ How long do you think we shall be here?
+
+_B. M._ A week, or a month, or a year--I don't know.
+
+_C. M._ It's a dull place, isn't it?
+
+_A. M._ Yes, it is, dull as ditchwater.
+
+_B. M._ Dull as a ditchwaterfall. Ha, ha.
+
+_C. M. and A. M. (together)._ Ha, ha. That's capital.
+
+_B. M._ You fellows must remind me to telegraph that home to Brazil.
+
+_A. M._ By the way, I see ROOSEVELT has been in Brazil.
+
+_B. M._ Yes; isn't it awful?
+
+_G. M._ Discovered a river, hasn't he?
+
+_B. M._ Something of that sort. He'll discover the world next.
+
+_A. M._ Anyhow, I'm glad he's not here.
+
+_B. M._ By Jove, yes. Wouldn't it be dreadful if he were?
+
+_C. M._ Don't. You make my flesh creep.
+
+_B. M._ After all, I'm not sure he's worse than WILSON. They're all
+alike, these Yankees. I've no use for them and their MONROE Doctrine;
+have you?
+
+_A. M._ Not the slightest. If they think we're children they'll soon
+find out their mistake.
+
+_C. M._ Hear, hear!
+
+(_A pause._)
+
+_A. M._ Anything new from Mexico?
+
+_B. M._ No. Same old game.
+
+_C. M._ What's HUERTA up to?
+
+_B. M._ Sitting tight.
+
+_A. M._ And what's VILLA doing?
+
+_B. M._ Oh, he's been capturing Tampico a good deal lately.
+
+_C. M._ Isn't a fellow called ZAPATA chipping in somewhere?
+
+_B. M._ Yes, he's having a go too.
+
+(_A pause._)
+
+_A. M._ I say, you men, I've got an idea.
+
+_B. M._ Out with it, then.
+
+_C. M._ Yes, let's have it.
+
+_A. M._ Well, then, suppose we start by saying that HUERTA and WILSON
+must _both_ be eliminated. That'll please both sides. HUERTA will be
+tickled to death if WILSON has to go, and WILSON will be delighted at
+our backing up his policy. What do you think?
+
+_B. M._ I can't think at all in this noise.
+
+_C. M._ Nor can I, but I daresay it's all right.
+
+_A. M._ I'm glad you like the idea. It's fair to both sides, you see.
+That's what mediation's for.
+
+(_Left mediating._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  THE BATH UNREST.
+
+
+    My bath awaits me! It contains to-night,
+      Besides the customary water--stay:
+      Before I name ingredients, let me say
+    Exactly who and what I am who write.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) I am known to fame,
+      First, as a rising music-hall artiste;
+      But, secondly and chiefly, I'm the beast
+    Who Puts Things in his Bath. You've met my name.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) People come, you see,
+      With sample packets of the Lord knows what,
+      And want me to "endorse" the silly rot.
+    Well, I "endorse"; receiving �. _s._ _d._
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) But I specialise
+      In baths. I will not "like it in my soup,"
+      Nor "take five drops before I loop the loop";
+    Nor will I "find it helps to keep off flies."
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) Am I over-nice?
+      I cannot "thank you for the lovely sox,"
+      Nor shall "my children quarrel for the box."
+    I Put It In My Bath. Let that suffice.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) Now, to take the list:
+      Mustard, by thirteen makers; salt, by six;
+      Saponica; Shampoona; Sozothrix;
+    Eau-de-Cologne (nine samples); Bathex; Vrist.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) These and more than these
+      (I drop the catalogue) in pungent strife,
+      Stench hard at grips with stench for loathly life,
+    Yon seething cauldron holds. Excuse a sneeze.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) Why the cauldron? Why
+      Not desecrate the dustbin? Here's the rub:
+      All the endorsements specify my tub;
+    The dustbin is not mentioned. Can I lie?
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) So I made a vow,
+      Soon as the groaning shelf could bear no more,
+      In one doomed bath to mix 'em. What I swore
+    I've done. The night of reckoning is now.
+
+    My bath awaits me! True. But then I said
+      Not "use" but "put." Why have my beastly bath?
+      Bed, too, awaits me; be the bedward path
+    My choice. I do not Put Things in my Bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The following are good dishes for a small luncheon, not a complete
+    menu, but suggestions for filling one out with those light and
+    tempting dishes which the jaded modern palate so greatly prefers to
+    the solid English cookery of our forefathers."--_Truth._
+
+That is all very well, but if one really wants filling out these little
+kickshaws are no good; roast beef and Yorkshire pudding is the thing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Folds of net and thick white face lighten the effect of the
+    corsage."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+The writer seems keen, but we are not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE SCRUTINEER.
+
+_Eliza Jane._ "'Ere, that last one didn't seem like a full sack to me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+
+Not the least attractive feature in Madame WADDINGTON'S new book, _My
+First Years as a Frenchwoman_ (SMITH, ELDER), is the revelation,
+undesignedly made, of a keen-sighted, vivacious, exceedingly womanly
+woman. During her residence in France as the wife of a highly placed
+Minister she had rare opportunity of watching the progress of historic
+events from a favoured standpoint behind the scenes. When she married M.
+WADDINGTON, in later years known to this country as French Ambassador,
+the National Assembly was sitting at Versailles. THIERS, first President
+of the Republic, had been overthrown and MACMAHON reigned in his stead.
+Madame WADDINGTON was brought into personal touch with these statesmen,
+with their successors, JULES GR�VY, DE FREYCINET, CARNOT and with their
+varied _entourage._ Of each she has something shrewd, sprightly and
+informing to say. While immersed in international politics, perhaps not
+wholly free from anxious conviction that she was in some measure
+responsible for their direction, she had a seeing eye for frocks.
+Frequently, when describing social gatherings at the height of political
+crises, she stops to tell you how some lady was dressed and how the
+apparel suited her. Amongst other men of the epoch she has something to
+say about BLOWITZ, the famous Paris correspondent of _The Times._ It is
+evident that, without premeditation, he managed to offend the lady. She
+reports how Prince HOHENLOHE expressed a high opinion of the journalist,
+remarking, "He is marvellously well-informed of all that is going on."
+"It was curious," writes Madame, "how a keen clever man like the Prince
+attached so much importance to anything Blowitz said." For the
+side-lights which it flashes on high life in Paris at a critical period
+of the Republic the volume possesses exceptional value.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The subtleties of human motives, the fine problems of temperament, the
+delicate interplay of masculine logic and feminine intuition, what are
+these compared to blood, thunder, plots, counter-plots, earthquakes and,
+from the final chaos, the salvage of the "sweetest woman on earth"
+effected in the nick of time by a herculean and always imperturbable
+hero? Mr. FRANK SAVILE is not out to analyse souls. The opening chapter
+of _The Red Wall_ (NELSON) plunges us into a fray, irrelevant to the
+narrative save in so far as it introduces _Dick Blake_ and _Eileen
+O'Creagh_ and removes any possible doubt that might ever have been felt
+as to their respective merits and their mutual suitability. That
+preliminary complete, we proceed to the real business of the agenda, and
+momentous, passionate, nefarious, diabolical, mysterious and incessantly
+exciting business it is, covering the gamut of private emotions and
+international complications. In such narratives I demand three things:
+the first, that my author should combine a graphic (and grammatical)
+style with the professional knack of imparting an air of probability to
+his tale; the second, that things should go all wrong in the beginning
+and come all right in the end; the third, that if any German schemers
+are involved these should be eventually outwitted. Mr. SAVILE has
+abundantly satisfied me in all particulars; although I incline to carp
+at the opportuneness with which nature is made to erupt from time to
+time, and I venture to suggest that men and women never were and are
+probably never going to be like _Dick_ and _Eileen._ The book is,
+however, of the sort which is to be read and enjoyed but not considered
+further.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Joe Quinney,_ the curiosity shop man in Mr. HORACE ANNESLEY VACHELL'S
+_Quinneys'_ (MURRAY), is undoubtedly a "card," not unrelated, I should
+say, to Mr. BENNETT'S _Machen._ He is an entertaining fellow with his
+enthusiasms, his truculences, his fluctuating standards of honesty. Mr.
+VACHELL didn't quite get me to believe in _Joe's_ expert knowledge,
+which indeed seemed to be turned on and off in rather an arbitrary way
+as the exigencies of the story rather than the development and
+experience of the character dictated; but he did make me see and like
+the fellow. _Mrs. Quinney,_ that faithful timid soul, is admirably
+drawn, both in her courtship and her matronly days. But I found
+_Quinney_ a little hypocritical in his denunciation of _Miggott_, the
+chair-faker, who was not really sailing half so close to the wind or so
+profitably as _Quinney_ and his bibulous friend of a dealer, _Tamlin._
+There are some interesting side-lights upon the astonishing tricks of
+the furniture trade, which are reflected by the authentic experience of
+the bitten wise. An entertaining and clever book; but why, why should H.
+A. V. drop from his Hill into the discreditable fellowship of those who
+have misquoted "honoured in the breach"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Anybody can understand how extremely annoying and inconvenient the
+complete disappearance of a husband would be to a wife after a mere
+fortnight or so of married existence, before he had even begun to
+complain of the--well, anyhow that is what happens in Mrs. BELLOC
+LOWNDES'S latest novel, _The End of Her Honeymoon_ (METHUEN). The
+_Dampiers_ arrive in Paris, a Paris _en f�te_ and crowded beyond all
+custom because of the state visit of the TSAR, and are obliged to occupy
+rooms on different floors of the _Poulains'_ hotel. Next morning _Mrs.
+Dampier_ awakes to find herself in the awkward predicament of Ariadne on
+the beach of Naxos, with the aggravation (spared to Theseus' bride) that
+the hotel people absolutely deny that she came with a husband at all. A
+punctilious if sceptical American senator (refreshingly guiltless of
+accent) and his enthusiastic son and daughter take pity on her, and the
+rest of the book resolves itself into a detective story, saved from
+conventionality by the pleasantly distinguished style in which the
+author writes and the intimate knowledge which she appears to possess of
+the Paris _pr�fecture de police._ _Gerald Burton,_ the young American,
+not entirely platonic in his solicitude, is baffled; _Salgas_, a famous
+enquiry agent, is baffled; and I am ready to take very long odds against
+the reader's unravelling the mystery, unless he happens to be familiar
+with a certain legend of the plague (though no plague comes in here).
+Indeed, it is only a chance conversation in the last chapter that throws
+light, my dear Watson, on this particularly _bizarre_ affair. And what
+then, you ask, had happened to _Jack Dampier_ after all? Ah!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wonder why it is that so many books about walking tours should be
+written in much the same style. At least I don't really wonder at all,
+since it is quite apparent that R. L. S. and _Modestine_ are the models
+responsible for this state of things. And, since the style in itself is
+pleasant enough, I don't know that any one need complain. What put me
+upon this reflection was _Vagabonds in Perigord_ (CONSTABLE), which, for
+the modulation of its prose, might almost have been an unacknowledged
+work of the Master, but is actually written by Mr. H. H. BASHFORD. It
+concerns the wanderings on foot of certain pleasure pilgrims along the
+course of the river Dordogne; and is, for those that like such things,
+one of the most attractive volumes I have met this great while. I liked
+especially the author's happy gift of filling his pages with a holiday
+atmosphere; there is, indeed, so much fresh air and sunshine in them
+that the sympathetic reader will emerge feeling mentally bronzed. Nor
+does Mr. BASHFORD lack an agreeable humour of phrase. "Those wonderful
+three-franc dinners that seem to fall like manna upon France at seven
+o'clock every evening" is an example that lingers in my memory.
+Moreover, running through the whole is a hidden joke, and very cunningly
+hidden too, only to be revealed in the last paragraphs. Not for worlds
+would I reveal it here; I content myself with admitting that I for one
+was entirely fooled. I am less sure whether as a record of travel the
+book tempts to emulation. The drawbacks are perhaps too vividly rendered
+for this--heat and thirst through the flaming June days, and by night
+not wholly unbroken repose. But I am delighted to read about it all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRAM STOKER, whose too early cutting off saddened a wide circle of
+friends, was the Fat Boy of modern writers of fiction. He knew how to
+provide opportunity in fullest measure for making your flesh creep. A
+series of stories named after the first, _Dracula's Guest_ (ROUTLEDGE),
+is a marvellous collection of weird fancies wrought with ingenuity,
+related with graphic power, that come as near EDGAR ALLAN POE as
+anything I am acquainted with. There are nine, widely varying in subject
+and plot. I have read them all, and am not ashamed to confess that,
+finishing one before commencing another of the fascinating series, I
+found it convenient and agreeable to turn aside for a while and glance
+over less exciting pages. Not the least marvellous thing about the
+banquet is that it is provided at the modest charge of a shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: (_A nervous individual, having been advised by a
+specialist that he must undergo an operation, calls upon his own doctor
+to ask him to administer the an�sthetic._)
+
+_The Doctor (a conscientious practitioner)._ "Well! I will administer
+the an�sthetic, but--you know, I never like doing it. _The jury are
+always down on the an�sthetist._"
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, MAY 20, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 24720-8.txt or 24720-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May 20, 1914, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May
+20, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May 20, 1914</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: February 29, 2008  [eBook #24720]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 146, MAY 20, 1914***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<h1> PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 146</h2>
+<hr class="full"/>
+<h2>May 20, 1914.</h2>
+<hr class="full"/>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_381" id="Page_381">[Pg 381]</a></span>
+
+<p>It is comforting to know that we need not yet despair of human nature.
+Even the most abandoned politician may have one redeeming quality. For
+example, <i>The Express</i> tells us that Mr. <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span> is a reader
+of <i>The Express</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is reported to be the intention of General <span class="sc">Botha</span> to visit this
+country in June or July, and the Labour Party here are said to be
+already taking steps with a view to having him deported as an
+undesirable.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>If Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Chaplin</span> has been correctly reported he is even more of a
+reactionary than most of his opponents imagined. In the course of the
+debate on the Sunday Closing Bill he is said to have delivered himself
+as follows:&mdash;"Drunkenness is diminishing, and I say Thank God; long may
+it continue." The pious ejaculation would seem to be an expression of
+gratitude for the joys of inebriety.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Does the nightingale really boycott the land of Llewelyn and Mr. Lloyd
+George&mdash;and why?" asks an anxious inquirer in a contemporary. If it is
+so we suspect the reason is a fear on the part of the bird that the
+<span class="sc">Chancellor</span> may get to know of the rich quality of his notes and tax him
+out of existence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">George Storey</span> has been elected a Royal Academician. This will
+surprise no one. Burlington House has always favoured the Storey
+picture. And as regards Mr. <span class="sc">H. S. Tuke</span>, who was promoted at the same
+time, his serial tale, "Three Boys and a Boat," has now been running for
+quite a number of years.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"English," says Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span>, "is abominably difficult." But Erse is
+worse.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Despatched at Teddington twenty-three years ago a postcard has just been
+delivered at Walton-on-Thames. The postal authorities trust that the
+publication of this fact will induce people to exercise a little
+patience when they do not receive correspondence which they expect,
+instead of at once jumping to the conclusion that it has been lost.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>As a consequence of recent outrages at the Royal Academy the Council is
+reported to be testing "unbreakable glass." No doubt the Indestructible
+Paint Company is also circularising artists.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A man walking across St. Paul's Churchyard gave a remarkable exhibition
+of presence of mind one day last week. He was knocked down under a
+motor-omnibus, but managed so to arrange himself that the wheels passed
+clear of him. Cinema operators will be obliged if he will give them due
+notice of any intention to repeat the turn.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The London General Omnibus Company advertises itself, so why shouldn't
+we?" said the L.C.C. Tramways&mdash;so they had a nice little collision on
+the Embankment last week.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At the second annual celebration of "Mothers' Day" at the London Central
+Y.M.C.A., an eloquent address was delivered by the secretary of the
+association, Mr. <span class="sc">Virgo</span>. The thought that, in spite of his name, this
+gentleman, try as he might, could never become a mother is said to have
+raised a lump in the throat of many a member of the audience.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are glad to hear that "Hospital Egg Week" has been a success. We find
+it difficult, however, to believe one account, which states that
+sufficient new-laid eggs have been contributed to last the whole year.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"If Adam had lived till now," says Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span>, "and had worked hard at
+honest labour the whole time, and had been a thrifty man withal, he
+would not have had an income like some of those enjoyed to-day." Mr.
+<span class="sc">Snowden</span> is apparently presuming that <span class="sc">Adam's</span> wife would have lived as
+long as her husband.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At his examination in bankruptcy a Clacton monumental mason attributed
+his failure to the healthfulness of the neighborhood. Suggested motto
+for Clacton funeral artists: "<i>Si monumentum requiris</i>&mdash;go elsewhere."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Among probable forthcoming improvements at the Zoological Gardens is the
+provision of a band on Sunday. But one great difficulty, we imagine,
+will be to persuade the laughing hyena and certain other rowdy animals
+not to take part in the performances.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The didactic drama is with us again, and this time we are to be taught
+to feel affection for the unpopular. <i>Love Cheats</i> is the hortatory
+title of a play to be produced by Miss <span class="sc">Horniman's</span> company next month.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Margam Jones</span> has written a volume entitled <i>Angels in Wales</i>.
+Nonconformists, we presume.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE NEW DRESS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:55%">
+<a href="images/381.png"><img width="100%" src="images/381.png" alt="THE NEW DRESS" /></a><br /><br />
+"<span class="sc">Going along Oxford Street, are you? I should love to come with you, but
+it would be a little hard on Bond Street. You see, I haven't shown it to
+Bond Street yet.</span>"<br />
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>BAD LANGUAGE.</h3>
+
+<div class="text-align: center">
+"BAD LANGUAGE.<br />
+<span class="sc">From Sir Herbert Tree</span>.<br />
+To the Editor of <i>The Daily Mail</i>."<br /><br />
+We hope the Editor replied suitably.
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_382" id="Page_382">[Pg 382]</a></span>
+
+<h3>"WHO FEARS TO SPEAK OF"&mdash;NINETEEN-SIX?</h3>
+
+<div class="text-align: center">
+[<i>Thoughts on "a Bill for the Better</i> (sic) <i>Government of Ireland."</i>]
+</div>
+
+<div class="text-align: center">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There was an Isle all green and fair<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Where milk and whisky used to flow,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Where, thanks to lavish legislators,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">The pious cult of pigs and taters.<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Filled with content the balmy air&mdash;<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Eight little years ago!<br /></p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Distressful she had been, a land<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Of kine curtailed and burning ricks,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Until we others oped our purses<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">To rectify her feudal curses<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And freed the soil with generous hand&mdash;<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Prior to nineteen-six.<br /></p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Though still the casual moonlight raid<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Occurred at seasons, just for joy,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">New brands of owners, fat and thriving,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Had lost their use for cattle-driving,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And agitation's artful aid,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Pined for its old employ.<br /></p>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Then came the Liberals in and eyed<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">This land where Peace had poised her wings;<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">And "O!" said they, "how sad a smutch on<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Our clean United Kingdom's 'scutcheon!<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">It is our duty to provide<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">A Better State of Things."<br /></p>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Eight years ago! And now we see<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">The dogs of war about to bay;<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">The Bill for Ruling Ireland Better<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">(Strangely enough) has so upset her<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">That pretty soon there ought to be<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">The <span class="sc">Devlin's</span> self to pay.<br /></p>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So, when the general atmosphere<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Becomes opaque with flying bricks,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">And those who ran the Home Rule movement<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Bid me applaud this marked improvement,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">From pure politeness I shall fear<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">To speak of nineteen-six.<br /></p></div></div></div>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BUSINESSFRIENDSHIP.</h2>
+
+<p>Have you heard from &mdash;&mdash; this year? Mine came last night. Of course (to
+keep it among ourselves) I am not going to say who &mdash;&mdash; is beyond
+mentioning (for the purpose of handy reference) that he appears to have
+been christened Josef and that the capital from which he writes (or
+alleges that he writes) is associable with a high standard of musical
+comedy. His communication is very much underlined, very profuse of the
+mark of exclamation in quite unnecessary places (until, indeed, the sign
+begins to assume an absolutely satirical value), and very ornate with
+little amputated hands, all pointing out the short cut to illimitable
+wealth. Now you understand.</p>
+
+<p>The envelope was addressed, as Josef himself assures me that his future
+communications will be, "in the most discreet manner," and yet....</p>
+
+<p>"Put it into the waste-paper basket, my dear," I said to Philippa, who
+had brought it in with some curiosity. "We need not open it. It is only
+Josef offering us another fortune." Need I say that she at once opened
+it?</p>
+
+<p>My address, according to Josef, had been given to him "by a mutual
+businessfriend." This threw me into a contemplation. Who could it be?
+Spraggs had certainly toured the capitals of Central Europe last autumn,
+but he never mentioned Josef on his return. Harris? Well, one would
+scarcely call Harris a <i>business</i>friend. Filmer? No, Filmer is too
+selfish, I fear, to do me so good a turn. Ah, of course! Kelly, dear old
+burly rubicund Kelly, with his unfailing memory for an address and his
+delightfully abbreviated style. And he goes everywhere too: the very
+man. I can almost hear him saying it: "Then there's Johnson, my staunch
+old businessfriend Johnson, whom I can trace right back as far as my
+impressions of 1912; mustn't leave him out. I think I can&mdash;yes, I have
+it: John Fdk. Johnson, 72, Chestnut Av., Mayfield Pk., S.W. You've got
+that?" Josef has it.</p>
+
+<p>Josef, it appears, possesses a few tickets, and I gather that for some
+reason he does not require all of them himself. Naturally he turns to
+the friend of our mutual businessfriend. Will I participate in the
+distribution of "many, many million within five months?" The first prize
+is one&mdash;but perhaps I had better express it as Josef loves to do. The
+first prize is</p>
+
+<table align="center" summary="One Million crs.">
+<tr><td><img src="images/rightfinger.gif" width="45" height="20" alt="" title="" />
+</td>
+<td><b>One Million crs.</b></td><td><img src="images/finger.gif" width="45" height="20" alt="" title="" />
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>The chance, he goes on to say, is "without any risk worth mentioning."
+Still, he does mention it. He mentions it quite explicitly so that there
+shall be no mistake. The risk is as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<table align="center" summary="cartoon">
+<tr><td>&frac14; Ticket sh 8/6.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>&frac12; Ticket sh 17/.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1/1 Ticket sh 34/.</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>"All tickets forwarded (paid for) belong to the customer," I am assured,
+"from the moment of dispatch and play, of course, on his account."</p>
+
+<p>I fancy I see what Josef means, but I don't think that the expression,
+"play, of course, on his account," is altogether well chosen. I think it
+might have been phrased more felicitously.</p>
+
+<p>You will not be surprised to know that Josef's interest, stimulated by
+our mutual businessfriend, goes beyond my mere personality. He reminds
+me&mdash;Philippa is quite affected by this&mdash;that there are others. "The
+astonishing advantages ... must induce to serious consideration anyone
+who is looking after his own welfare, and that of those near and dear to
+him as well."&mdash;Yet Josef can be almost stern when there is occasion, and
+he tersely warns me that it is a chance which "probably <u><b>never will be offered</b></u>
+to you <u><b>again!</b></u>"</p>
+<p>Ah, well.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose that I shall give a miss as usual. It isn't that I doubt a
+single word of Josef's splendid optimism on my behalf. It isn't that I
+really mind the always, to me, inexplicable fact that every second
+ticket is guaranteed to draw a prize, while the <i>lowest</i> prize is double
+the amount charged for the ticket. It isn't (altogether) that I distrust
+Philippa's rosy presentiment. I think it is the concluding paragraph
+that settles it. I read:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="text-align: center">Will you become <br />
+<u><b>A Millionaire?</b></u>
+</div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Fill out this Order-Form and send it to me by return of post with
+the necessary remittance!</p></div>
+
+<p>That last and entirely superfluous note of exclamation seems only to be
+adequately vocalised as a chuckle. And as I listen it does not seem to
+be myself that is laughing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> is already using his influence with the new <span class="sc">War
+Minister</span>. In the Army Orders for March, 1914, we read:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Paragraph 555, line 4. <i>For '4d.' substitute '9d.'</i>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_383" id="Page_383">[Pg 383]</a></span>
+
+<h3>THE CONCERT OF SOUTH AMERICA.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%;">
+<a href="images/383.png"><img width="100%" src="images/383.png" alt="THE CONCERT OF SOUTH AMERICA." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">The Mediators.</span> "PARDON, MADAM, BUT YOU HAVE HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE OF
+THIS KIND OF THING. HOW DO YOU DO IT?"</p><br />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Europa.</span> "OH, WE JUST TALK AND TALK&mdash;AND THEN TALK!"</p><br />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_384" id="Page_384">[Pg 384]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_385" id="Page_385">[Pg 385]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/385.png"><img width="100%" src="images/385.png" alt="Bad luck! Well tried!" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="text-align: center">
+<i>First Player (encouragingly).</i>"<span class="sc">Bad luck! Well tried!</span>"<br />
+<i>Second Player (petulantly).</i>"<span class="sc">I didn't try for anything.</span>"
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PIERCING OF THE VEIL.</h2>
+
+<p>"I think," says Dr. <span class="sc">Lynch</span> in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, "that a man leaves
+some trace of himself in every sentence that he writes. What then of
+works so extensive as Shakspeare's? Certainly we should see him through
+and through if we only knew how to look."</p>
+
+<p><i>We</i> do know how to look, and we have done so with results that can
+hardly fail to astonish the reader. It has long been known, for
+instance, that <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> was a good man of business, but until our
+researches no one had realised quite how good. His theatre had to pay,
+and he knew as well as any modern manager how to make it do so. That he
+realised, for instance, the attractions of American dance tunes is
+evident from his reference to "rags to split the ears of the
+groundlings" (<i>Hamlet</i>, Act III., Scene 2).</p>
+
+<p>Apart from his business <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> had private ambitions. We all know
+that he applied for a grant of arms, but few are aware that he also
+stood for Parliament, and, like many another, regretted the expense
+after it was incurred. "Almost all," he says feelingly, "repent in their
+election" (<i>Coriolanus</i>, Act II., Scene 3). His exact political views
+are still uncertain, but, at any rate, we may be sure that he
+disapproved of the Lords, for he boldly announced the fact in the <i>Two
+Gentlemen of Verona</i>, Act V., Scene 4, where he says, "One house, one
+mutual happiness."</p>
+
+<p>But these are serious matters. What of his hours of ease? That he golfed
+there can now be no manner of doubt. In <i>The Tempest</i>, Act IV., Scene 1,
+he refers to the "short grassed green," and in <i>Hamlet</i>, Act II., Scene
+2, he earns our respect by the simple statement, "I went round," without
+any tedious details. Possibly the "thousand marks in links" in the first
+part of <i>Henry IV.</i>, Act III., Scene 3, explains this reticence, but, at
+any rate, he occasionally found one whom he fancied he could beat;
+witness his remark in <i>Twelfth Night</i>, Act II., Scene 3, "Sir Toby, I
+must be round with you."</p>
+
+<p>And, golf over, he liked his pipe and his glass. The "smoke and lukewarm
+water" mentioned in <i>Timon of Athens</i>, Act III., Scene 6, only needs the
+addition of a dash of whisky to make an evening any of us might enjoy;
+and his words in <i>Anthony and Cleopatra</i>, Act I., Scene 2, "We bring
+forth weeds when our quick minds are still," will find an echo in many a
+chest. In this connection it might be noted that he took an occasional
+holiday in France. That at least seems a reasonable assumption when so
+keen a smoker cries, as he does in <i>The Merchant of Venice</i>, Act III.,
+Scene 1, "I have another bad match."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A VAGRANT.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">The humble bee</p>
+<p class="i4">No skep has he,</p>
+<p class="i0">No twisted, straw-thatched dome,</p>
+<p class="i4">A ferny crest<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Provides his nest,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">The mowing-grass his home.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">The crook-beaked shrike<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">His back may spike<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And pierce him with a thorn;<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">The humble bee<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">A tramp is he<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And there is none to mourn.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">O'er bank and brook,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">In wooded nook,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">He wanders at his whim,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Lives as he can,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Owes naught to man,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And man owes naught to him.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">No hive receives<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">The sweets he gives,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">No flowers for him are sown,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Yet wild and gay<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">He hums his way,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">A nomad on his own.<br /></p>
+</div></div></div>
+
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_386" id="Page_386">[Pg 386]</a></span>
+<h2>THE SUFFERER.</h2>
+
+<p>Having engaged a sleeping-berth I naturally hurried, coin in hand, to
+the conductor, as all wise travellers do (usually to their
+discomfiture), to see if I could be accommodated with a compartment to
+myself and be guaranteed against invasion.</p>
+
+<p>The carriage was full.</p>
+
+<p>I then sought my compartment, to learn the worst as to my position,
+whether above or below the necessarily offensive person who was to be my
+companion.</p>
+
+<p>He was already there, and we exchanged the hard implacable glare that is
+reserved among the English for the other fellow in a wagon-lit
+compartment.</p>
+
+<p>When I discovered that to him had fallen the dreaded upper berth I
+relaxed a little, and later we were full of courtesies to each
+other&mdash;renunciations of hat-pegs, racks and so forth, and charming
+mutual concessions as to the light, which I controlled from below&mdash;so
+that by morning we were so friendly that he deemed me a fit recipient of
+his Great Paris Grievance.</p>
+
+<p>This grievance, which he considered that everyone should know about,
+bears upon the prevalence of spurious coins in the so-called Gay City
+and the tendency of Parisians to work them off on foreigners. As he
+says, a more inhospitable course one cannot conceive. Foreigners in
+Paris should be treated as guests, and just now, with all this Entente
+talk, the English especially. But no. It is the English who are the
+first victims of the possessor of obsolete francs, two-franc and
+five-franc pieces guiltless of their country's silver and ten-franc
+pieces into whose composition no gold has entered.</p>
+
+<p>He had been in Paris but an hour or so when&mdash;but let me tell the story
+as my travelling companion told it to me.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know what your experience in Paris has been," he said, "but I
+have been victimised right and left."</p>
+
+<p>He was now getting up while I lay at comparative ease in my berth and
+watched his difficulties in the congested room and thought what horrid
+vests he wore.</p>
+
+<p>"I had been in Paris but a few hours," he continued, "when it was
+necessary to pay a cabman. I handed him a franc. He examined it, laughed
+and returned it. I handed him another. He went through the same
+performance. Having found some good money to get rid of him, I sat down
+outside a caf&eacute; to try and remember where I had received the change in
+which these useless coins had been inserted. During a week in Paris much
+of my time was spent in that way."</p>
+
+<p>He sighed and drew on his trousers. His braces were red.</p>
+
+<p>"I showed the bad francs to a waiter," he went on, "and he, like the
+cabman, laughed. In fact, next to an undressed woman, there is no stroke
+of wit so certain of Parisian mirth as a bad coin. The first thought of
+everyone to whom I showed my collection was to be amused." His face
+blackened with rage. "This cheerful callousness in a matter involving a
+total want of principle and straight-dealing as between man and man," he
+said, "denotes to what a point of cynicism the Parisians have attained."</p>
+
+<p>I agreed with him.</p>
+
+<p>"The waiter," he continued, "went through my money and pointed out what
+was good and what either bad or out of currency. He called other waiters
+to enjoy the joke. It seemed that in about four hours I had acquired
+three bad francs, one bad two-franc piece and two bad five-franc pieces.
+I put them away in another pocket and got fresh change from him, which,
+as I subsequently discovered, contained one obsolete five-franc piece
+and two discredited francs. And so it went on. I was a continual target
+for them."</p>
+
+<p>Here he began to wash, and the story was interrupted.</p>
+
+<p>When he re-emerged I asked him why he didn't always examine his change.</p>
+
+<p>"It's very difficult to remember to do so," he said, "and, besides, I am
+not an expert. Anyway, it got worse and worse, and when a bad gold piece
+came along I realised that I must do something so I wrote to the Chief
+of the Police."</p>
+
+<p>"In French?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"No, in English&mdash;the language of honesty. I told him my own experiences.
+I said that other English people whom I had met had testified to similar
+trouble; and I put it to him that as a matter of civic pride&mdash;<i>esprit de
+pays</i>&mdash;he should do his utmost to cleanse Paris of this evil. I added
+that in my opinion the waiters were the worst offenders."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you had a reply?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Not yet," he said, and having completed his toilet he made room for me.</p>
+
+<p>I thought about him a good deal and sympathised not a little, for he
+seemed a good sort of fellow and might possibly have had his
+calculations as to expenditure considerably upset by his adventures. It
+certainly was a shame!</p>
+
+<p>Later, meeting him in the restaurant-car I asked him to show me his
+store of bad money. I wanted to see for myself what those coins were
+like.</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't got them," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"You sent them to the Chief of the Police with your letter, I suppose?"
+I said.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I didn't," he replied. "The fact is&mdash;well&mdash;as a matter of fact I
+managed to work them all off again."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/386.png"><img width="100%" src="images/386.png" alt= "Curfew shall not ring to-night." /></a>
+<br /><br /><span class="sc">"Curfew <i>shall not ring to-night</i>.</span>"
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"At the beginning of the season good bowling performances are not
+unusual&mdash;batsmen get themselves out so easily&mdash;but Barratt's
+bowling yesterday was better than his figures.... Five times
+yesterday he broke right across the wicket from leg, but none of
+those magnificent balls got wickets, perhaps because it was too
+early in the season."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>The beginning of the season seems rather a tricky time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Death of Collar: Cobham Stud's severe loss."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Post.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>The converse of this accident occurred to us the other day, when our
+Whitefriars collar lost its stud.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Richard I.... at once began to prepare the third crusade. In 1190
+he started, and reached Acre in June, 1911."</p>
+
+<p><i>"Everyman" Encyclop&aelig;dia.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Thus missing <span class="sc">King George</span> Vth's Coronation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_387" id="Page_387">[Pg 387]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/387.png"><img width="100%" src="images/387.png" alt="This is a beautiful chop, waiter." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "<span class="sc">This is a beautiful chop, waiter, the best
+you've ever&mdash;&mdash; </span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Waiter.</i> <span class="sc">"Yes, an' I won't 'arf cop nothing. That was the boss's chop
+what I've giv you in mistake.</span>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>VANDALISM.</h2>
+
+<p>The new proposals with regard to the water supply of the City of Glasgow
+are causing, we are not surprised to learn, the utmost fury and
+consternation throughout Scotland. Criticism has concentrated especially
+upon two points: the imminent risk of submerging <span class="sc">Robert the Bruce's</span>
+Stone and, of course, the danger of tampering in however slight a degree
+with the birthplace of <span class="sc">Rob Roy</span>. The passive resistance movement has
+already assumed such proportions that one enterprising publisher feels
+justified in announcing a new cheap edition of the "Waverley Novels,"
+illustrated from local photographs.</p>
+
+<p>There is, of course, another side to the question. As far as the stone
+goes it is contended:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>(1) That no one knows why it should have belonged to <span class="sc">Robert the Bruce</span>,
+where he got it or what he did with it when he had it.</p>
+
+<p>(2) That the fact of its being under water would not impair its value in
+any way and at the same time would give an historical flavour to every
+glass of mitigated whisky thereafter drunk in the City of Glasgow.</p>
+
+<p>(3) That it could very easily be shifted a bit up the hill if it is
+desired to keep it dry, and a small permanent umbrella erected over it.</p>
+
+<p>With regard to <span class="sc">Rob Roy's</span> birthplace the contention is that it is
+practically impossible to construct a new reservoir in these days
+anywhere north of the Tweed which will not interfere in some way with
+one or other of the places where <span class="sc">Rob Roy</span> was born.</p>
+
+<p>It is not only Scotchmen, however, who have been touched to the quick by
+this irreverent and thoughtless proposal. The whole literary profession
+is up in arms. A memorial is being prepared to be presented to the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span>, under the heading, "Hands off <span class="sc">Rob Roy</span>!" <i>Mr. Punch</i> himself
+has not been idle in the matter. He has spent the last week in eliciting
+the opinions of some of our leading writers on this vital question.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">William de Morgan</span> (in a charming, if rather discursive, letter of
+32,000 words) demands legislation. "Who knows," he asks, "to what
+lengths this modern craze for water supplies may go? It is even possible
+that, within a century, attempts may be made to submerge that delightful
+little cottage in the county of Essex where Ghost met Ghost."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard Shaw</span>, interviewed on his doorstep, derided the action of the
+Glasgow Corporation. No amount of water, he told our representative,
+could have the least effect in making our modern cities less beastly
+than they were. For his part, however, he was taking no risks. He had
+that morning arranged for the erection of a spiked iron fence twenty
+feet high round the (supposed) birthplace of <i>Eliza Doolittle</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett</span> writes:&mdash;"I have every sympathy with the widespread
+indignation of my fellow-authors, but personally I am not very closely
+concerned. My position is secure: no one is likely to tamper with the
+Five Towns in an attempt to improve their washing facilities."</p>
+
+<p>"Might I suggest to the learned pundits of the House of Lords, if it is
+not too late," writes Mrs. <span class="sc">Florence Barclay</span>, "that a writer who, in his
+day, enjoyed such a circulation as that of Sir <span class="sc">Walter Scott</span>&mdash;this is, of
+course, fundamentally a question of circulation&mdash;is not to be treated in
+this cavalier fashion? For oneself, whatever fate may be in store for
+the precious local associations of one's past work, it is fortunately
+possible to make the future secure. I am laying the scene of my new
+romance, of which the fifth chapter is almost completed, on the top of
+an inaccessible hill."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">H. G. Wells</span> points out that there is no particular need in his case
+to take action. He hopes that by the day when the conditions in time and
+space of his latest novel come into
+
+being every household in the country
+will be supplied with its own water by a process of filtered absorption
+from the atmosphere.</p>
+
+<p>It is anticipated that something definite will be done by the special
+committee of the Authors Society which has been appointed with the view
+of extending the law of copyright so as to secure the author's undoubted
+property in his local associations.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_388" id="Page_388">[Pg 388]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BILLET DOUX.</h2>
+
+<p>Monday's breakfast is never a jovial affair. One always has the feeling
+that something dreadful has happened or is going to happen. Thus, three
+days ago I had with a light heart handed over my practice to a locum and
+my books to an accountant, telling the one to look up my bad patients
+and the other to look up my bad debts, while I went away to end the week
+with the Wrefords. Twelve hours ago it had seemed that I should never
+know such happiness in this world again as I had found with them, and
+here we all were on Monday morning with everything changed, Mrs. Wreford
+sulking in bed and Wreford displaying a polite but firm hatred of me and
+all the world. In this case my feeling was that something dreadful <i>was</i>
+happening.</p>
+
+<p>"Mornin', Wreford," said I, as I took my place at table.</p>
+
+<p>"Mornin', Everall," he grunted, barely looking up from his letters, and
+that seemed to end the dialogue. When, however, one's host is also one's
+most valuable patient, there is call for a special effort. He had all
+the correspondence, I had none; in an emergency this suggested itself as
+a matter of comment.</p>
+
+<p>"To me," I said chattily, "things seem to be just as badly managed at
+the Post Office as they were in <span class="sc">Samuel's</span> time."</p>
+
+<p>"Was there a post office in those days?" he asked, without noticeable
+enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The</i> <span class="sc">Samuel Herbert</span>," I explained, and that again seemed to end it.</p>
+
+<p>After a pause, "However," I said kindly, "you enjoy your letters and I
+will find what consolation and company I can in a poached egg."</p>
+
+<p>"Enjoy?" asked Wreford. "But you are being sarcastic, no doubt."</p>
+
+<p>"Only panel doctors can afford to be that," I murmured.</p>
+
+<p>Wreford's first letter appeared to pain him, and he looked at me
+sternly, as if the evils of this life were all my fault. Then he unbent
+a little.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me, Everall," said he, "have you enjoyed your little visit to us?"</p>
+
+<p>The question took me by surprise but it was, at any rate, one to be
+answered in the affirmative.</p>
+
+<p>"And you are proportionately grateful?" he pursued.</p>
+
+<p>I protested, somewhat lamely, that I most certainly was.</p>
+
+<p>"Gratitude, it seems," said he, "may express itself in the most odd
+manner."</p>
+
+<p>"Mine," I replied stiffly, "will express itself in the customary
+letter."</p>
+
+<p>"What, another?" he asked, adding, after a pause, "Do you refer to the
+note which your solicitors will write me forthwith and charge me
+three-and-sixpence for?"</p>
+
+<p>I thought deeply but was baffled. "It is full early in the morning for
+the cryptic and abstruse," I said.</p>
+
+<p>Wreford sighed as he slowly folded up his letter and put it in its
+envelope. "It is the one moment in the week," he explained, "when the
+very worst must be expected."</p>
+
+<p>I begged him to elucidate the position.</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose," said he, "you had invited a man to stay with you for the
+week-end, had motored him down from town on the Friday night and given
+him dinner and a nice big bed, and on Saturday more meals and more bed,
+and on Sunday still more meals and still more bed, and on the Monday
+morning a nice yellow-and-white poached egg all to himself."</p>
+
+<p>"I quite appreciate all that," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"And suppose, while he was still sitting at your table and working his
+way through the bit of toast where the egg once sat, you received a
+letter from him."</p>
+
+<p>"A letter from me?" I cried.</p>
+
+<p>"You said your thanks would be expressed in a letter, but the
+promptitude of it has surprised even yourself, hasn't it? I should have
+received it yesterday, but that there is no Sunday post, happily."</p>
+
+<p>"You remember I said I was very grateful," said I, still not
+understanding.</p>
+
+<p>"And I said that gratitude had a queer way of expressing itself
+sometimes," said he, handing over the letter at last. "Read it aloud,"
+he added; "I find the style original."</p>
+
+<p>"Harley Street, W. 25th April, 1914," I read. "Thomas Wreford, Esquire,
+debtor to John Everall. For professional services, 1912 to 1913,
+thirty-eight guineas."</p>
+
+<p>"Go on," he said. "The postscript is where your gratitude becomes the
+most exuberant."</p>
+
+<p>"Your attention will oblige," I finished.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what do you think of it?" he asked with a smile.</p>
+
+<p>"I prefer not to," said I, also smiling tentatively.</p>
+
+<p>There was a silence. "However," said Wreford eventually, "let us say no
+more about it." At this my smile became firmer and more expansive. "Let
+us agree," he said significantly, "to let bygones be bygones."</p>
+
+<p>My smile died out suddenly, as smiles do on a Monday morning.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"In practice yesterday Mr. Hilton did 72 in a three-hole match."</p>
+
+<p><i>Liverpool Daily Post.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>We must challenge him at once.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>HIGHWAY LOOT.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Ah! the lapse of courtly manners,<br/></p>
+<p class="i2">Ah! the change from knighthood's code<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Since the day when oil and spanners<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Ousted horseflesh from the road!<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">This I realised most fully<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Last week-end at Potter's Bar<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">When a beetle-flattening bully<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Held me up in Laura's car.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Where," I shouted, "are the graces,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Officer, of days long dead?<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Never mind how hot our pace is,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Conjure up the past instead;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Dream of chaises and postilions,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Turnpike bars that ope and shut;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Try to get some more resilience<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Into your confounded nut.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Blooms are bursting in the covers<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Even as they burst to-day<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">(Not to mention tyres); two lovers<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Post to Scotland, let us say;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Sudden from the hedge comes <span class="sc">Turpin</span>,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Pistols cocked and debonair;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Both the horses stand up perpen-<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">dicularly in the air.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"What occurs? The gallant caitiff,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Noticing the swain is poor<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">(Courtesy with him is native,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Not like you, suburban boor),<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Bows, and says in accents sunny,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">'Pass along, Sir&mdash;make good speed;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">I'm convinced you've got no money<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">And I do not want your bleed.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"'Sweet be Maytime to your noses;<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Short is life, but love is sweet,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">There's a city man named Moses<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Whom I've simply got to meet;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">On you go, you two young larkers;'<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Then he bids his Jew disgorge<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Or reserves his brace of barkers<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">For the coach of <span class="sc">D. Lloyd George</span>.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Such the good high Toby fashion;<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Surely in your bosom stirs,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Constable, a like compassion<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">For our two poor cylinders;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">All we have is vile and shoddy;<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">See that low-hung touring brute&mdash;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">There's a bonnet! there's a body<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Worthy of a road-knight's loot!"<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thus I spake; but, still phlegmatic,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Imperturbable and stout,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Rendering Doric for my Attic,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Robert pulled his note-book out;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Said, "Me dooty is me dooty,"<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">And retiring to his trench<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Pondered further schemes of booty<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">For the footpads on the Bench.<br /></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The enthusiasm of the people was so great that it was not damped
+by a real Scotch milk."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Courier.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>When did whisky ever damp the enthusiasm of a Scotch crowd?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_389" id="Page_389">[Pg 389]</a></span>
+
+<h3>ROYAL ACADEMY&mdash;SECOND DEPRESSIONS.</h3>
+
+<table summary="cartoon">
+<tbody>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<a href="images/389a.png">
+<img width="200" border="0" alt="HARLEQUIN" src="images/389a.png"/>
+</a>
+<br/>
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">Never mind, my dear; I'll have a few words to say to the
+limelight man about this!</span></p>
+</td>
+
+<td>
+<a href="images/389c.png">
+<img width="200"  border="0" alt="A Phantasy in the Central Ball." src="images/389c.png" />
+</a>
+<br />
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">A Phantasy in the Central Hall.&mdash;"Caught."</span></p>
+</td>
+
+<td>
+<a href="images/389g.png">
+<img width="200"  border="0" src="images/389g.png" alt="The Art of Achieving the Impossible." /></a>
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">The Art of Achieving the Impossible&mdash;a Cubist picture gets a place on
+the line.</span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+
+<table summary="cartoon">
+<tbody>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<a href="images/389d.png">
+<img width="400"  border="0" alt="A deadlock." src="images/389d.png" />
+</a>
+<br />
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">A Deadlock.</span>
+<span class="sc">&ldquo; If we go forward we'll get sunstroke, and if we go back there's a
+blizzard; so we may as well stop where we are and have our picture
+painted.&rdquo;</span></p>
+</td>
+
+<td>
+<a href="images/389e.png">
+<img width="400" border="0"  alt="Floods in the Thames Valley." src="images/389e.png" />
+</a>
+<br />
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">Floods in the Thames Valley.</span>
+<span class="sc">The family of a well-known stockbroker takes advantage of the situation
+to practise a little first-aid, and incidentally get on with the week's
+washing.</span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+
+<table summary="cartoon">
+<tbody>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<a href="images/389f.png">
+<img width="300"   border="0" src="images/389f.png" alt="Catch me!" />
+</a>
+<br />
+<p class="center">
+<i>The Sea-Maiden.</i> "<span class="sc">Catch me!</span>"<br />
+<i>The Shrimp-Hunter (regretfully).</i> "<span class="sc">I'd like to, but unfortunately this
+is the close season for mermaids.</span>"</p></td>
+
+<td>
+<a href="images/389i.png">
+<img width="300"  border="0" src="images/389i.png" alt="Youthful athletes" /></a>
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">Youthful athletes, while training for the next Olympic Games
+(three-legged race), are hampered by the presence of large, fierce
+birds.</span>.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<a href="images/389h.png">
+<img width="350"  border="0" src="images/389h.png" alt="Singular apathy of agricultural labourers" /></a>
+<br/><br/>
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">Singular apathy of agricultural labourers during an invasion.</span></p>
+</td>
+
+<td>
+<a href="images/389b.png">
+<img width="350"  border="0"  alt="The Card-Sharpers." src="images/389b.png" />
+</a>
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">The Card-Sharpers.</span>
+<i>Near Female.</i> "<span class="sc">Stop cheating for a minute while I get my portrait
+taken.</span>"</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_390" id="Page_390">[Pg 390]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/390.png"><img width="100%" src="images/390.png" alt="Well, what do you think of our
+manoeuvres, Bill?" /></a><br /><br />
+<p class="center"><i>First Territorial.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, what do you think of our
+manoeuvres, Bill?</span>"<br /><br />
+
+<i>Second Territorial (hitherto unacquainted with field-days).</i> "<span class="sc">Thank
+'evin we've got A Nivy!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BELOW THE WEIR.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Beyond the punt the swallows go<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Like blue-black arrows to and fro,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Now stooping where the rushes grow,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Now flashing o'er a shallow;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And overhead in blue and white<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">High Spring and Summer hold delight;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">"All right!" the black-cap calls, "All right!"<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">His mate says from the sallow.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">O dancing stream, O diamond day,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">O charm of lilac-time and May.<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">O whispering meadows green and gay,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">O fair things past believing!<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Could but the world stand still, stand still<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">When over wood and stream and hill<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">This morn's eternal miracle<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">The rosy Hours are weaving!<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Eternal, for I like to think<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">That mayflowers, crimson, white and pink,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">When I am dust the boughs shall prink,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">On days to live and die for;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">That sun and cloud, as now, shall veer,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And streams run tumbling off the weir,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Where still the mottled trout rolls clear<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">For other men to try for.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I like to think, when I shall go<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">To this essential dust, that so<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">I yet may share in flowers that blow,<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">And with such brave sights mingle,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">If tossed by summer breeze on high<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">I'm carried where the cuckoos cry<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And dropped beside old Thames to lie<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">A sand-grain on a shingle.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Meanwhile the swallows flash and skim<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Like blue-black arrows notched and trim,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And splendid kingcups lift a brim<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">Of gold to king or peasant,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">And 'neath a sky of blue and white<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">High Spring with Summer weaves delight;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">"All right!" the black-cap calls, "all right!"<br /></p>
+<p class="i4">And life is very pleasant.<br /></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE LANGUAGE OF COLOUR.</h2>
+
+<p>"My dear Clarice," I said, "I may say, in the circumstances, my very
+dear Clarice, I like being engaged&mdash;to you, that is; no, I've never been
+engaged before&mdash;but I don't see the sense of getting married. Even the
+State seems to deride the idea of our union."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean?" said Clarice. "I'm almost alarmed. Have they
+discovered that you suffered from toothache as a boy?"</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't," I said, "a question of eugenics. I was at Somerset House
+to-day getting a copy of my birth certificate, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"They surely didn't say anything about our engagement at Somerset House.
+I didn't suppose they even knew of it," said Clarice.</p>
+
+<p>"Ill news travels apace," I said. "But that by the way. I was about to
+say that red is a noble colour. It is a bold, a striking colour. A day
+on which a great event occurs is called 'a red letter day.' Black, on
+the other hand, may mean nothing, or it may denote sadness."</p>
+
+<p>"Why this going off at a tangent?" said Clarice. "Why this dissertation
+on colours?"</p>
+
+<p>"I say, that's a good word&mdash;I mean that long one just near the end. Did
+you really learn it, or did you merely come by it? But, as I was saying,
+red is a colour used for indicating notable events. The State considers
+a birth is a notable event. Birth certificates are printed in red."</p>
+
+<p>"And death certificates," said Clarice, "in black, I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said, "a delicate hint that the State feels sad."</p>
+
+<p>"And marriage certificates?" asked Clarice.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" I said, "that's the strange thing. Nothing may be implied really,
+but it is significant that they print them in&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Purple?" said Clarice eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>"Verdant green," I said.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_391" id="Page_391">[Pg 391]</a></span>
+
+<h3>THE NEW SHYLOCK.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/391.png"><img width="100%" src="images/391.png" alt="THE NEW SHYLOCK." /></a>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Redmond.</span> "LOOK HERE, I UNDERSTOOD YOU WERE TO GET ME MY FULL POUND
+OF FLESH!"</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Asquith</span> (<i>his counsel</i>). "YES, YES, I KNOW: BUT IT RATHER LOOKS NOW
+AS IF WE MIGHT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THREE-QUARTERS."</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_392" id="Page_392">[Pg 392]</a></span><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_393" id="Page_393">[Pg 393]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">Extracted From the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 11.</i>&mdash;For a while <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span>
+protest against inordinate questioning, his announcement of
+determination not to take part in further shorter catechism more or less
+distantly related to the "plot" and the "coup," had wholesome effect. As
+he stated, since the plot was discovered he had made seven hundred
+replies to friendly inquiries. A Member below Gangway to his right added
+the seven hundred and first. Wanted to know whether it is true that the
+argumentative questions crowding the notice paper are the product of a
+factory in the neighbourhood of Parliament Street, presided over by an
+official whose name suggests that he has been "made in Germany."
+Expeditiously turned out, as from a sausage machine, is it true that
+they are nicely sorted and distributed among Members of the Opposition,
+who in turn pelt the <span class="sc">Premier</span> with them?</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/393a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/393a.png" alt="Mr. Lloyd George Regards Mr. Balfour's Attitude as
+Bellicose." /></a>
+
+
+<span class="sc">Mr. Lloyd George Regards Mr. Balfour's Attitude as
+Bellicose.</span>
+
+<p>"If every conciliatory offer put forward by the Government is to be
+treated in the spirit displayed by the right hon. gentleman, that is the
+way to promote civil war."</p><br />
+
+Mr. <span class="sc"><i>Lloyd George</i></span>.
+</div>
+
+<p>After brief lull epidemic breaks out afresh. Twenty-three Questions
+addressed to <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> to-day appear on printed paper. As each,
+with the aid of semi-colons, represents two, three, occasionally five
+distinct queries they reach aggregate of half a hundred. This not
+counting Supplementaries.</p>
+
+<p>Happily the <span class="sc">Premier</span> is incomparable master of the rare art of brief
+reply, wherein he presents pleasing contrast to the manner of his old
+master, <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>. Had he chanced to be Premier when the Fourth Party
+were struggling into notoriety their task would have been more
+difficult, their triumph delayed if not unattainable.</p>
+
+<p>When <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, <span class="sc">Wolff</span> and <span class="sc">Gorst</span>, with <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> looking on, set
+themselves to "draw <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>," as was their custom of an afternoon,
+that astute personage became as a child in their hands. <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> led
+off with a question, to which long reply was made. <span class="sc">Wolff</span>, profusely
+grateful for the right hon. gentleman's courtesy, shunted the <span class="sc">Premier</span> on
+to another track, along which he cheerfully sprinted. Then came <span class="sc">John o'
+Gorst</span>. With the subtlety of a trained but not practising barrister he
+put a third question, drawing a third speech. Thus merrily sped a
+quarter of an hour or twenty minutes, deferring by so much the progress
+of public business.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Asquith's</span> share in the conversation at the Question hour is based on a
+familiar Biblical injunction. It is largely composed of "Yea, yea," and
+"Nay, nay." In the case alluded to, wherein the Fourth Party gave play
+to their insatiable desire for information, he would have replied to
+<span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, "Yes, Sir;" to <span class="sc">Wolff</span>, "No, Sir." Had he been exceptionally
+lured into verbosity he might have gone as far as to say, "The answer is
+in the negative," or "in the affirmative," as the case might be. As for
+<span class="sc">John o' Gorst</span>, he would have referred him to a speech made on a
+particular preceding date, "to which I have nothing to add."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> further explains his Budget. Resolutions
+founded thereupon agreed to.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/393b.png"><img width="60%" src="images/393b.png" alt="THE BILL AND THE AMENDING BILL." /></a>
+<h3>THE BILL AND THE AMENDING BILL.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Nurse <span class="sc">Asquith</span>.</i> "Now, take the powder like a good boy."</p>
+
+<p><i>Master <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>.</i> "Where's the jam?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Nurse <span class="sc">Asquith</span>.</i> "Oh, that comes later."</p>
+
+<p><i>Master <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>.</i> "Well, I want to see it now. What's it made of?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Nurse <span class="sc">Asquith</span>.</i> "I must have notice of that question."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;What at outset promised to be businesslike debate verging on
+dulness suddenly leapt into flame and fury, signifying angry passion
+stirred by Home Rule Bill. In studiously moderate speech <span class="sc">Premier</span> moved
+resolution identical with that adopted last year, whereby Committee
+stage of Home Rule Bill, Welsh Church Disestablishment and Plural Voting
+will be forgone. Pointed out that Committee stage is designed for
+purpose of providing opportunity of amending Bills. Since under
+Parliament Act none of these measures can be amended in the Commons,
+what use to go into Committee on them?</p>
+
+<p>Being in increasingly businesslike mood <span class="sc">Premier</span> went a step further.
+Abandoned proposal to submit and discuss "suggestions" to Home Rule
+Bill. Authoritatively announced by <span class="sc">Walter Long</span> and others that the Lords
+are predetermined to throw it out on second reading. What use then to
+formulate and discuss suggestions<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_394" id="Page_394">[Pg 394]</a></span> that could be dealt with by the Lords
+only in subsequent Committee? Finally announced intention of getting
+Bill through all Parliamentary stages before Whitsuntide, placing it on
+Statute Book by automatic process of Parliament Act. Will then bring in
+Amending Bill dealing with Ulster.</p>
+
+<p>It was <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> who roused crowded House from chilled condition
+following upon douche of this application of ordinary business
+principles to legislative procedure. In best fighting form. Stirred to
+profoundest depths of scorn for actual working of that detested statute,
+the Parliament Act.</p>
+
+<p>"We are," he said, amid strident cheers from Opposition, welcoming their
+old captain back to the fighting line, "asked to force through under the
+Parliament Act a Bill which by hypothesis requires amendment. What is
+worse than that is that we are to be compelled to read it a third time
+and to part with it while we know that it is to be amended, but while we
+have not the smallest conception in what respects or in what way."
+Insisted that before Home Rule Bill is added to Statute Book Parliament
+should know in what points it would be amended. "Let us have the
+Amending Bill first."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> having stirred the embers of slumbering fire, <span class="sc">Chancellor
+of Exchequer</span> vigorously fanned them.</p>
+
+<p>"If," he said, "every conciliatory offer put forward by the Government
+is to be treated in the spirit displayed by the right hon. gentleman,
+that is the way to promote civil war."</p>
+
+<p>Hereupon storm burst over Opposition quarters. Shouts of "Shame!" and
+"Liar" hurtled through the suddenly heated atmosphere. The <span class="sc">Chancellor's</span>
+attempt to proceed with his speech baffled by continuous
+cry,&mdash;"Withdraw! Withdraw!" At length <span class="sc">Speaker</span> interposed with suggestion
+that the <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> had been misunderstood. Claimed for him the right of
+explanation. This conceded, <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> pointed out that what he had
+meant to say was that argument such as that forthcoming from Front
+Opposition Bench, making it difficult for the Government to submit
+proposals of peace, would have effect of promoting civil war.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> naturally falling into "old style" of House of Commons
+debate, not only frankly accepted explanation but chivalrously took upon
+himself blame of the outbreak, which he said "apparently arose from an
+unfortunate expression of mine." Ended with pretty turn of grave satire
+that greatly pleased the House.</p>
+
+<p>After this, debate quietly proceeded to appointed end, everyone mutely
+invoking</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Blessings on the falling out<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">That all the more endears,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">When we fall out with those we love<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">And kiss again with tears.<br /></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;<span class="sc">Premier's</span> resolution carried by 276 votes against 194.
+Majority 82. House of Lords by common consent passed second reading of
+useful little Bill for protection of grey seals threatened with
+extinction by mercenary sportsmen.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/394.png"><img width="100%" src="images/394.png" alt="Mr. ROWLAND HUNT IN HIS BEST FORM." /></a>
+
+<h3>Mr. ROWLAND HUNT IN HIS BEST FORM.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">"I don't know [laughter] what honourable Members [renewed laughter] are
+laughing about [loud and prolonged laughter]."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Remarkable how <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> (or was it <span class="sc">Bacon</span>?) wrote not only
+for all time but for all circumstance. The marvel came to light again in
+scene in House yesterday.
+
+Writing of the time of <i>Romeo and Juliet</i> <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> reports dialogue
+between two fighting men of the houses of <i>Capulet</i> and <i>Montague</i>.
+Meeting <i>Sampson</i> in a public place in Verona, <i>Abram</i> truculently asks.
+"Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir?<br />
+
+<i>Sam.</i> I do bite my thumb, Sir.<br />
+
+<i>Abr.</i> Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir?
+
+<i>Sam. (aside, to his comrade </i>Gregory). Is the law on our side if I say
+ay?</p>
+
+<p><i>Greg.</i> No.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sam.</i> No, Sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, Sir; but I bite my
+thumb.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Kinloch-Cooke</span>, having put question to <span class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</span>, following it up by
+two supplementary inquiries, put a third when the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> interposed.
+Shrugging his shoulders in silent protest against this tyranny
+<span class="sc">Kinloch-Cooke</span> resumed his seat.</p>
+
+<p>Said the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> sternly, "It is no good shrugging your shoulders at
+me."</p>
+
+<p>This is prosaic account of incident given in this morning's papers.
+Refer to <i>Hansard</i> and see how it runs.</p>
+
+<p><i><span class="sc">Speaker</span>.</i> Do you shrug your shoulders at me, Sir?</p>
+
+<p><i><span class="sc">Kinloch-Cooke</span>.</i> I do shrug my shoulders, Sir.</p>
+
+<p><i><span class="sc">Speaker</span>.</i> Do you shrug your shoulders at me, Sir?</p>
+
+<p><i><span class="sc">Kinloch-Cooke</span> (aside to <span class="sc">Winterton</span>).</i> Is there anything in the Standing
+Orders that forbids my shrugging my shoulders at the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i><span class="sc">Winterton</span> (who is training for Speakership and has them all by heart).</i>
+Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i><span class="sc">Kinloch-Cooke</span>.</i> No, Sir, I do not shrug my shoulders at you, Sir; but I
+shrug my shoulders.</p>
+
+<p><i><span class="sc">Speaker</span>.</i> Order! Order!</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Another plot that failed. For some weeks Opposition
+have not attempted to snap a division. Ministerialists, lulled into
+sense of security, off guard. Secret preparations sedulously made for
+trapping them this afternoon. Questions over, division challenged on
+formal motion. Ministerial Whips awake in good time to emergency. Urgent
+messages had been sent out to their men by telephone and special
+messengers. Arrivals watched with feverish interest. Ministerialists
+hurriedly drop in by twos and threes, presently by tens. <span class="sc">Illingworth's</span>
+massive brow, temporarily seared with wrinkles, smooths out. When, after
+division, Clerk hands paper to him indicating that ambush has been
+baffled, hilarious cheer rises from Ministerial benches. Renewed when
+figures read by the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> show that the motion is carried by 255 votes
+against 234.</p>
+
+<p>"Not a high-class game in imperial politics," says <span class="sc">Sark</span>. "Rather akin to
+the humour of making a butter slide on the pavement for the discomfiture
+of unsuspecting passers-by. But boys will be boys."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A NATIONAL CALAMITY.</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Great Performer contemplates Retirement.</span></h4>
+
+<p>Once more the Atlantic liner has delivered Mr. Bamborough (<i>n&eacute;</i>
+Bamberger) back to us, and once more British concert-goers should in
+consequence rejoice. But their natural jubilations are unfortunately
+tempered by a momentous announcement which the great violinist made to
+our representative at Plymouth last week, on the arrival of the <i>Julius
+C&aelig;sar</i>, to the effect that he has decided to retire from the active
+pursuit of his profession. On receiving the news of this national
+calamity our representative fell into a heavy swoon, and was revived
+with some difficulty. The thought of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_395" id="Page_395">[Pg 395]</a></span> permanent withdrawal from
+public life in his golden prime of the great virtuoso, with his opulent
+physique, his superbly Mosaic features and his luxuriant chevelure, was
+altogether too poignantly overwhelming. Let us hasten then to reassure
+our readers that the blow, though it must inevitably descend one day, is
+mercifully deferred for a considerable period. To begin with, Mr.
+Bamborough is under contract to give five farewell tours in the United
+States at intervals of four years before entering upon the penultimate
+stage of his severance from the British concert platform. This, which
+will begin in the autumn of 1934, is likely to continue until the year
+1948, when he is booked for an extended tour in Polynesia, Japan, New
+Guinea and Java. On his return to England in 1950 he proposes to give
+sixty farewell recitals at intervals of three months, culminating in a
+grand concert at the Albert Hall.</p>
+
+<p>"And then," mused the illustrious artist, "farewell to the platform for
+ever! I find it hard indeed to realise that the concert-going public and
+I by that time will have been intimate friends for more than seventy
+years, but so it will be, for I was only nine when I made my first
+appearance in London, in a velvet knickerbocker suit with pearl buttons
+and a Fauntleroy collar. Still, it will all make a lovely retrospect for
+me, and when I finally retire it will be with a heart very full of
+gratitude to my generous friends in all four hemispheres of the globe."</p>
+
+<p>"And after that?" suggested our representative, now partially restored
+by these reassuring tidings.</p>
+
+<p>"After that&mdash;literature," was the emphatic reply. "I have already signed
+a contract with Messrs. Goodleigh and Champ to write my Reminiscences in
+the form of a Musical Encyclop&aelig;dia. My father-in-law, Sir Pompey
+Boldero, is giving me valuable assistance in preparing the material, but
+as he is already sixty-five I cannot, unhappily, count with absolute
+confidence on his being spared to witness the completion of the work.
+Still, he is so full of vigour that M. <span class="sc">Metchnikoff</span> considers his chances
+of becoming a centenarian decidedly promising. In any case the
+collaboration of my children, whose filial devotion is only equalled by
+their talent, is secured, and Mrs. Bamborough, as you know, wields a
+vivid and trenchant pen. But literature will not occupy all my time. My
+estancia in the Argentine will need supervision, and I hope to spend an
+occasional summer in the Solomon Islands, where the natives are
+strangely attached to us."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Bamborough pointed out that Sir <span class="sc">Johnston Forbes-Robertson</span>, who also
+returned by the <i>Julius C&aelig;sar</i>, had only drawn receipts amounting to
+&pound;107,000 in a tour of thirty weeks' duration, while he (Mr. Bamborough)
+had netted no less than &pound;150,000 in a tour lasting twenty-seven weeks
+and three days. In addition to the receipts in specie, Mr. Bamborough
+had received several nuggets from the gold miners in Colorado, and a
+bull moose from Mr. <span class="sc">Kermit Roosevelt</span>, while Mrs. Bamborough had been the
+recipient of a highly-trained bobolink, and a charming young
+alligator from the cedar swamps of Louisiana.</p>
+
+<p>Other notable passengers on the <i>Julius C&aelig;sar</i> were Miss Topsy Cooney,
+the famous coloured pianist, who plays only on the black keys and
+entirely by ear; Little Dinky, the marvellous calculating boy, who does
+not know the names of the numbers; and Elaine Runnymede, the child
+contralto, who can only sing the whole tone scale.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/395.png"><img width="100%" src="images/395.png" alt="Come on, here's A bit of luck for you. I've
+made Rupert's nose bleed." /></a><br /><br />
+<i>Small Brother (whose sisters are working for their girl
+guides' ambulance badge).</i>"<span class="sc"><i>Come on, here's a bit of luck for you. I've
+made Rupert's nose bleed.</i></span>"
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+<p>From a catalogue:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Also made in cheaper and better quality models."</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_396" id="Page_396">[Pg 396]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"GRUMPY."</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>As it might as well have been.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/396.png"><img width="100%" src="images/396.png" alt="Grumpy. &ldquo;better put the diamond in the safe, my boy.&rdquo;" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="text-align: center">
+<i>Grumpy.</i> "Better put the diamond in the safe, my boy.
+You'll be ruined if anybody steals it."<br /><br />
+<i>Ernest.</i> "Yes, but the play will be ruined if nobody does."<br /><br /><br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Grumpy.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Mr. <span class="sc">Cyril Maude</span>.<br />
+<i>Ernest Heron.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Edward Combemere</span>.<br />
+</div>
+
+<h3>Act I.&mdash;The Crime.</h3>
+<div class="drama"><div class="direction">
+<p><i>Scene&mdash;</i>Mr.
+"Grumpy" Bullivant's<i> library. Enter his grand-daughter </i>Virginia<i> and
+</i>Mrs. Maclaren<i>.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Maclaren.</i> What a remarkable man Mr. Jarvis seems to be, dear&mdash;so
+amusing at dinner! And he writes for <i>Tiddly Bits</i>, he tells me. Where
+<b>did</b> you meet him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Virginia.</i> Quite accidentally in Hyde Park. He told grandfather a long
+story about a gold brick, and grandfather was so charmed with him he
+asked him down at once for the week-end.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Maclaren.</i> Such a knowledge of character your grandfather has,
+love.</p>
+
+<p><i>Virginia.</i> Yes, but you must remember he used to be the cleverest
+criminal lawyer of his time. He saw directly that Mr. Jarvis was a nice
+man.</p>
+<div class="direction">
+[<i>Exeunt.</i><br/>
+<i>Enter </i>Ernest Heron<i> and </i>"Grumpy"<i> by opposite doors.</i>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy (when the audiences delight at seeing </i>Mr. <span class="sc">Cyril Maude</span><i> again
+has at last been got under).</i> Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow; tut-tut-tut-tut-tut
+(<i>and other old-gentleman noises</i>). Ah, Ernest, my boy, what are you
+doing here?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ernest.</i> Just back from Africa, uncle, with a diamond weighing&mdash;I mean
+costing&mdash;ninety thousand pounds in my belt, which I'm taking up to the
+firm in London. May I sleep here?</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Do, my boy. (<i>Enter </i>Mr. Jarvis<i>.</i>) Ah, Mr. Jarvis, let me
+introduce my nephew, Mr. Heron. He's just back from Africa with a&mdash;&mdash;
+(<i>To himself</i>) No, perhaps better not. Well, good night to you both.
+Wow-wow-wow, tut-tut-tut-tut.</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p>[<i>Exit, followed by </i>Mr. Jarvis<i>.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Ernest</i><i> is left alone with his diamond. Seeing a suspicious shadow at
+the window he rushes to it and leans out, so as to give anybody a chance
+of sand-bagging him. The chance going begging, he takes his diamond from
+his belt to see if it is still there. The only other precaution he can
+think of is to draw the curtains. At this moment a hand steals through
+the door and turns out the lights. A terrible struggle in the dark
+ensues; there is a noise of somebody's larynx going; and then the
+curtain goes down and up ... to disclose, the body of poor </i>Ernest<i> on
+the floor. Is he dead? Certainly not; he's got to marry </i>Virginia<i>; but
+the diamond is gone.</i></p>
+
+<h3>Act II.&mdash;The Sleuth-Hound.</h3>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><i>Time&mdash;Next morning.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Tut-tut. Is everything just as it was last night? Very well,
+then. You say that when you discovered Mr. Ernest he was lying on his
+back, and in his right hand he was clutching this&mdash;what did you call it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ruddock (the valet).</i> A dicky, Sir. A detachable shirt-front.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Excellent. Then the first question is&mdash;to whom did
+this&mdash;er&mdash;richard belong?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ruddock.</i> Yes, Sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy (musing).</i> Could it have been his own? In the fierceness of the
+struggle might he have torn it off in order to give himself greater
+freedom? Was he offering it to his assailant as a bribe? Was he&mdash;but
+first we must find if he was wearing one at all. Call Susan.</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><i>Enter </i>Susan<i>, the lady's-maid.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Susan, you were the first to see Mr. Ernest when he came in
+last night. Did you happen to notice if he was wearing a detachable
+shirt-front, a&mdash;h'm&mdash;dicky?</p>
+
+<p><i>Susan.</i> Yes, Sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Ah! (<i>He hands her the all-important clue.</i>) Was this it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Susan (examining it).</i> No, Sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Tut-tut, are you sure?</p>
+
+<p><i>Susan.</i> Yes, Sir; Mr. Ernest's was an india-rubber one. I know, because
+he said he'd been travelling all day, and he asked me to sponge it for
+him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Thank you, Susan. Ruddock, we must find that india-rubber
+richard. If Ernest has his assailant's shirt-front, what more likely
+than that his assailant has Ernest's? Probably they exchanged them
+before the battle, as, you may remember, Glaucus and Diomed did at the
+siege of Troy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ruddock.</i> Yes, Sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Every shirt-front we see we must suspect. Let us go and look
+for some.</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+[<i>Exeunt.</i>
+<p><i>Enter </i>Jarvis<i> and </i>Virginia<i>.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Virginia.</i> Still in evening dress, Mr. Jarvis?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis.</i> Yes, I was so busy fetching the doctor last night that I had
+no time to change. I am going back to London now. (<i>Tenderly</i>) I should
+like to think you had some little memento of me. (<i>He removes his shirt
+front.</i>) Keep this and think of me sometimes when you look at it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Virginia.</i> Oh, Mr. Jarvis! But I must give <i>you</i> something too. (<i>She
+goes out and returns with one of her grandfather's shirt-fronts.</i>) Wear
+this in place of the one you have given me&mdash;always.</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+[<i>Exit.</i>
+<p><i>Re-enter </i>Grumpy<i>.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Now, Mr. Jarvis, I wonder if you would help me. You were the
+first to find the body last night. Would you mind lying down in the
+position in which it lay? It may give me an important clue.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis.</i> Certainly. (<i>He prepares to lie down.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Take care, you mustn't crumple your shirt-front. Perhaps it
+removes? Ah, allow me. (<i>He detaches it and hastily substitutes the
+other one for it.</i>) Ah, thank you so much. Here is your shirt-front
+again.</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p>[<i>Exit </i>Jarvis<i>.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Ruddock (eagerly).</i> Is that it, Sir?</p>
+<p><i>Grumpy</i> (<i>examining Jarvis's shirt-front carefully</i>). No, linen,
+confound it. Ruddock, we <b>must</b> find that india-rubber richard. Who has
+it? Ah!</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><span class="sc">Curtain.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<h3>Act III.&mdash;Trapped.</h3>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><i>Scene&mdash;</i>Jarvis's<i> rooms in London.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Keble (his man).</i> Terrible thing that assault on Mr. Heron, Sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis.</i> Yes, terrible.</p>
+
+<p><i>Keble.</i> I hope they don't suspect me of it, Sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis.</i> Why on earth should they suspect <b>you</b>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Keble.</i> Well, I was known to be jealous of Mr. Heron, Sir. I found
+Susan sponging his shirt-front, and Susan and I are as good as engaged.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_397" id="Page_397">[Pg 397]</a></span>
+<i>Jarvis (mildly interested).</i> How <b>can</b> you sponge a shirt-front?</p>
+
+<p><i>Keble.</i> It was an india-rubber one, Sir; they sponge off quite clean,
+and save the laundry bill, Sir. My&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis.</i> Good Heavens, I'm ruined!</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><i>Enter </i>Isaac Wolfe<i>, his partner. Exit </i>Keble<i>.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Wolfe.</i> Got the diamond, my boy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis (moodily).</i> Yes ... I'm done for; I must leave the country.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wolfe.</i> What d'you mean? You've got the diamond?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis (rapidly).</i> I throttled him in the dark and got the diamond. My
+shirt-front fell off in the struggle. I noticed one on the floor and
+picked it up. I thought it was mine. It was his; his had fallen off too;
+and he was found with mine in his hand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wolfe.</i> Well, why did you leave it there?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis.</i> I thought it was his own&mdash;and that, anyhow, as long as we each
+had one, no one would notice. But his was an india-rubber one!</p>
+
+<p><i>Wolfe.</i> And that's the one you've got now? Well, burn it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis (burying his face in his hands).</i> It isn't! I cannot! I gave it
+to Miss Bullivant. (<i>Grimly</i>) But I shall get it back again.</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><span class="sc">Curtain.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Act IV.&mdash;The Sleuth-hound's Triumph.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><i>The Library again.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Well, Virginia, and how's Ernest? Better, hey! He ought&mdash;&mdash;
+Good heavens, child, what's that you've got in your hand?</p>
+
+<p><i>Virginia.</i> Just a dicky, grandfather.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy (excitedly).</i> Let me look ... Virginia, it's an india-rubber
+one! (<i>Sternly</i>) Where did you get this?</p>
+
+<p><i>Virginia.</i> Mr. Jarvis gave it to me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy.</i> Mr. Jarvis! Aha! (<i>He hides behind the sofa.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><i>Enter </i>Mr. Jarvis<i>.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Jarvis (to </i>Virginia<i>).</i> I'm afraid my conduct must seem very strange,
+but I had to come back to see you. I&mdash;er&mdash;lost the shirt-front you gave
+me. Could you let me have my own back again? You see, I'm going abroad
+and I must have <b>one</b>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grumpy (popping his head up).</i> Ah, Mr. Jarvis, did I hear you asking
+for a shirt-front? Allow me to offer you one&mdash;an india-rubber one, Mr.
+Jarvis! (<i>Jarvis blenches.</i>) And the price, Mr. Jarvis, is the diamond
+in your waistcoat-pocket!</p>
+
+<div class="direction">
+<p><span class="sc">Curtain.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>&mdash;<i>except that </i>Ernest<i> gets engaged to </i>Virginia<i> first.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>Postscript.</i>&mdash;On reading this through I feel that it hardly does
+justice to the clever acting of Mr. <span class="sc">Maude</span> as an always delightful old
+gentleman, the excellent support given him by the rest of the company,
+and the pleasantly exciting melodrama provided for them by Messrs.
+<span class="sc">Horace Hodges</span> and <span class="sc">T. W. Percyval</span>. To all of them my thanks for an
+entertaining evening.</p>
+</div>
+<p class="author">A. A. M.</p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/397.png"><img width="100%" src="images/397.png" alt="There, ye deginerate little spalpeens, look at that and thry
+what ye can do!" /></a><br /><br />
+<i>Pat (having hung up an ostrich's egg on the hen-house
+door).</i> "<span class="sc">There, ye deginerate little spalpeens, look at that and thry
+what ye can do!</span>"
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a letter to <i>The Scotsman</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"It goes without saying that when recognising a friend in the
+street one raises one's hat by the hand removed from that friend."</p></div>
+
+<p>Of course. But it is proper to return the hand immediately after the
+little ceremony with a few words of thanks.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"For the latter an excuse must be offered in that he was badly hit
+on the left hip by the previous ball&mdash;a yorker&mdash;to that which
+bowled him."&mdash;<i>Evening News.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>In the over before he had been stunned by a sneak.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Yorkshire Daily Observer</i> on the income tax:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"A Bradford widow has been left with five children under 15 years
+of age. Her income is &pound;300 a ear."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Or &pound;3,600 in all. We refuse to be moved by her hard case.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Miscellaneous Volumes. 10s. per cwt. (No theology.)</p>
+
+<p>Theology. 5s. 6d. per cwt."&mdash;<i>Catalogue.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Money being tight, we are ordering 8 stone 7 lbs. of theology for the
+drawing-room.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The Government has introduced another Bill to regulate the sale of
+milk and the inspection of dairies. This disgracefully dilutory
+Parliament of ours has been playing with similar Bills for five
+years."&mdash;<i>Daily Herald.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>The dilutory milkman is really more to blame.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_398" id="Page_398">[Pg 398]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MEDIATION.</h2>
+
+<p>[<span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>A room at Niagara Falls. The Argentine, the Brazilian and the
+Chilian mediators are mediating; that is to say, they are sitting on
+rocking chairs not very close to a large table covered with papers,
+pens, ink, etc. A deep noise of falling water pervades the air. Out of
+compliment to Canada the conversation is carried on in English.</i>]</p>
+
+<p><i>Argentine Mediator.</i> Cold, isn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brazilian Mediator.</i> Yes, there's a great deal of cold in the
+atmosphere.</p>
+
+<p><i>Chilian Mediator.</i> We often get it colder than this in Chili.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>A pause.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> There's a lot of water coming down.</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Yes, and it keeps coming, too, doesn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> It isn't as noisy as I thought it would be, though.</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> Oh, I don't know. It's quite noisy enough.</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Yes, it's very difficult to concentrate one's mind. We've got a
+waterfall in Brazil which has the same effect. You can't do any work
+near it. People go there for a rest-cure.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> There are a good many waterfalls in Chili, too, and they make
+more noise than this one.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>A pause.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> How long do you think we shall be here?</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> A week, or a month, or a year&mdash;I don't know.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> It's a dull place, isn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> Yes, it is, dull as ditchwater.</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Dull as a ditchwaterfall. Ha, ha.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M. and A. M. (together).</i> Ha, ha. That's capital.</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> You fellows must remind me to telegraph that home to Brazil.</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> By the way, I see <span class="sc">Roosevelt</span> has been in Brazil.</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Yes; isn't it awful?</p>
+
+<p><i>G. M.</i> Discovered a river, hasn't he?</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Something of that sort. He'll discover the world next.</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> Anyhow, I'm glad he's not here.</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> By Jove, yes. Wouldn't it be dreadful if he were?</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> Don't. You make my flesh creep.</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> After all, I'm not sure he's worse than <span class="sc">Wilson</span>. They're all
+alike, these Yankees. I've no use for them and their <span class="sc">Monroe</span> Doctrine;
+have you?</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> Not the slightest. If they think we're children they'll soon
+find out their mistake.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> Hear, hear!</p>
+
+<p>(<i>A pause.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> Anything new from Mexico?</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> No. Same old game.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> What's <span class="sc">Huerta</span> up to?</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Sitting tight.</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> And what's <span class="sc">Villa</span> doing?</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Oh, he's been capturing Tampico a good deal lately.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> Isn't a fellow called <span class="sc">Zapata</span> chipping in somewhere?</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Yes, he's having a go too.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>A pause.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> I say, you men, I've got an idea.</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> Out with it, then.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> Yes, let's have it.</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> Well, then, suppose we start by saying that <span class="sc">Huerta</span> and <span class="sc">Wilson</span>
+must <i>both</i> be eliminated. That'll please both sides. <span class="sc">Huerta</span> will be
+tickled to death if <span class="sc">Wilson</span> has to go, and <span class="sc">Wilson</span> will be delighted at
+our backing up his policy. What do you think?</p>
+
+<p><i>B. M.</i> I can't think at all in this noise.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. M.</i> Nor can I, but I daresay it's all right.</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> I'm glad you like the idea. It's fair to both sides, you see.
+That's what mediation's for.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Left mediating.</i>)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE BATH UNREST.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">My bath awaits me! It contains to-night,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Besides the customary water&mdash;stay:<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Before I name ingredients, let me say<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Exactly who and what I am who write.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(My bath awaits me!) I am known to fame,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">First, as a rising music-hall artiste;<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">But, secondly and chiefly, I'm the beast<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Who Puts Things in his Bath. You've met my name.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(My bath awaits me!) People come, you see,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">With sample packets of the Lord knows what,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">And want me to "endorse" the silly rot.<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Well, I "endorse"; receiving &pound;. <i>s.</i> <i>d.</i><br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(My bath awaits me!) But I specialise<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">In baths. I will not "like it in my soup,"<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Nor "take five drops before I loop the loop";<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Nor will I "find it helps to keep off flies."<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(My bath awaits me!) Am I over-nice?<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">I cannot "thank you for the lovely sox,"<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Nor shall "my children quarrel for the box."<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">I Put It In My Bath. Let that suffice.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(My bath awaits me!) Now, to take the list:<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Mustard, by thirteen makers; salt, by six;<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Saponica; Shampoona; Sozothrix;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Eau-de-Cologne (nine samples); Bathex; Vrist.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(My bath awaits me!) These and more than these<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">(I drop the catalogue) in pungent strife,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Stench hard at grips with stench for loathly life,<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">Yon seething cauldron holds. Excuse a sneeze.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(My bath awaits me!) Why the cauldron? Why<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Not desecrate the dustbin? Here's the rub:<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">All the endorsements specify my tub;<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">The dustbin is not mentioned. Can I lie?<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(My bath awaits me!) So I made a vow,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Soon as the groaning shelf could bear no more,<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">In one doomed bath to mix 'em. What I swore<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">I've done. The night of reckoning is now.<br /></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">My bath awaits me! True. But then I said<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Not "use" but "put." Why have my beastly bath?<br /></p>
+<p class="i2">Bed, too, awaits me; be the bedward path<br /></p>
+<p class="i0">My choice. I do not Put Things in my Bed.<br /></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The following are good dishes for a small luncheon, not a complete
+menu, but suggestions for filling one out with those light and
+tempting dishes which the jaded modern palate so greatly prefers to
+the solid English cookery of our forefathers."&mdash;<i>Truth.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>That is all very well, but if one really wants filling out these little
+kickshaws are no good; roast beef and Yorkshire pudding is the thing.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Folds of net and thick white face lighten the effect of the
+corsage."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>The writer seems keen, but we are not.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_399" id="Page_399">[Pg 399]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%;">
+<a href="images/399.png"><img width="100%" src="images/399.png" alt="THE SCRUTINEER." /></a>
+
+<h3>THE SCRUTINEER.</h3>
+
+<div class="center">
+<i>Eliza Jane.</i> "<span class="sc">'Ere, that last one didn't seem like a full sack to me.</span>"
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<div class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</div>
+
+<p>Not the least attractive feature in Madame <span class="sc">Waddington's</span> new book, <i>My
+First Years as a Frenchwoman</i> (<span class="sc">Smith, Elder</span>), is the revelation,
+undesignedly made, of a keen-sighted, vivacious, exceedingly womanly
+woman. During her residence in France as the wife of a highly placed
+Minister she had rare opportunity of watching the progress of historic
+events from a favoured standpoint behind the scenes. When she married M.
+<span class="sc">Waddington</span>, in later years known to this country as French Ambassador,
+the National Assembly was sitting at Versailles. <span class="sc">Thiers</span>, first President
+of the Republic, had been overthrown and <span class="sc">MacMahon</span> reigned in his stead.
+Madame <span class="sc">Waddington</span> was brought into personal touch with these statesmen,
+with their successors, <span class="sc">Jules Gr&eacute;vy</span>, <span class="sc">de Freycinet</span>, <span class="sc">Carnot</span> and with their
+varied <i>entourage</i>. Of each she has something shrewd, sprightly and
+informing to say. While immersed in international politics, perhaps not
+wholly free from anxious conviction that she was in some measure
+responsible for their direction, she had a seeing eye for frocks.
+Frequently, when describing social gatherings at the height of political
+crises, she stops to tell you how some lady was dressed and how the
+apparel suited her. Amongst other men of the epoch she has something to
+say about <span class="sc">Blowitz</span>, the famous Paris correspondent of <i>The Times</i>. It is
+evident that, without premeditation, he managed to offend the lady. She
+reports how Prince <span class="sc">Hohenlohe</span> expressed a high opinion of the journalist,
+remarking, "He is marvellously well-informed of all that is going on."
+"It was curious," writes Madame, "how a keen clever man like the Prince
+attached so much importance to anything Blowitz said." For the
+side-lights which it flashes on high life in Paris at a critical period
+of the Republic the volume possesses exceptional value.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The subtleties of human motives, the fine problems of temperament, the
+delicate interplay of masculine logic and feminine intuition, what are
+these compared to blood, thunder, plots, counter-plots, earthquakes and,
+from the final chaos, the salvage of the "sweetest woman on earth"
+effected in the nick of time by a herculean and always imperturbable
+hero? Mr. <span class="sc">Frank Savile</span> is not out to analyse souls. The opening chapter
+of <i>The Red Wall</i> (<span class="sc">Nelson</span>) plunges us into a fray, irrelevant to the
+narrative save in so far as it introduces <i>Dick Blake</i> and <i>Eileen
+O'Creagh</i> and removes any possible doubt that might ever have been felt
+as to their respective merits and their mutual suitability. That
+preliminary complete, we proceed to the real business of the agenda, and
+momentous, passionate, nefarious, diabolical, mysterious and incessantly
+exciting business it is, covering the gamut of private emotions and
+international complications. In such narratives I demand three things:
+the first, that my author should combine a graphic (and grammatical)
+style with the professional knack of imparting an air of probability to
+his tale; the second, that things should go all wrong in the beginning
+and come all right in the end; the third, that if any German schemers
+are involved these should be eventually outwitted. Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_400" id="Page_400">[Pg 400]</a></span> <span class="sc">Savile</span> has
+abundantly satisfied me in all particulars; although I incline to carp
+at the opportuneness with which nature is made to erupt from time to
+time, and I venture to suggest that men and women never were and are
+probably never going to be like <i>Dick</i> and <i>Eileen</i>. The book is,
+however, of the sort which is to be read and enjoyed but not considered
+further.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>Joe Quinney</i>, the curiosity shop man in Mr. <span class="sc">Horace Annesley Vachell's</span>
+<i>Quinneys'</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>), is undoubtedly a "card," not unrelated, I should
+say, to Mr. <span class="sc">Bennett's</span> <i>Machen</i>. He is an entertaining fellow with his
+enthusiasms, his truculences, his fluctuating standards of honesty. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Vachell</span> didn't quite get me to believe in <i>Joe's</i> expert knowledge,
+which indeed seemed to be turned on and off in rather an arbitrary way
+as the exigencies of the story rather than the development and
+experience of the character dictated; but he did make me see and like
+the fellow. <i>Mrs. Quinney</i>, that faithful timid soul, is admirably
+drawn, both in her courtship and her matronly days. But I found
+<i>Quinney</i> a little hypocritical in his denunciation of <i>Miggott</i>, the
+chair-faker, who was not really sailing half so close to the wind or so
+profitably as <i>Quinney</i> and his bibulous friend of a dealer, <i>Tamlin</i>.
+There are some interesting side-lights upon the astonishing tricks of
+the furniture trade, which are reflected by the authentic experience of
+the bitten wise. An entertaining and clever book; but why, why should H.
+A. V. drop from his Hill into the discreditable fellowship of those who
+have misquoted "honoured in the breach"?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Anybody can understand how extremely annoying and inconvenient the
+complete disappearance of a husband would be to a wife after a mere
+fortnight or so of married existence, before he had even begun to
+complain of the&mdash;well, anyhow that is what happens in Mrs. <span class="sc">Belloc
+Lowndes's</span> latest novel, <i>The End of Her Honeymoon</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>). The
+<i>Dampiers</i> arrive in Paris, a Paris <i>en f&eacute;te</i> and crowded beyond all
+custom because of the state visit of the <span class="sc">Tsar</span>, and are obliged to occupy
+rooms on different floors of the <i>Poulains'</i> hotel. Next morning <i>Mrs.
+Dampier</i> awakes to find herself in the awkward predicament of Ariadne on
+the beach of Naxos, with the aggravation (spared to Theseus' bride) that
+the hotel people absolutely deny that she came with a husband at all. A
+punctilious if sceptical American senator (refreshingly guiltless of
+accent) and his enthusiastic son and daughter take pity on her, and the
+rest of the book resolves itself into a detective story, saved from
+conventionality by the pleasantly distinguished style in which the
+author writes and the intimate knowledge which she appears to possess of
+the Paris <i>pr&eacute;fecture de police</i>. <i>Gerald Burton</i>, the young American,
+not entirely platonic in his solicitude, is baffled; <i>Salgas</i>, a famous
+enquiry agent, is baffled; and I am ready to take very long odds against
+the reader's unravelling the mystery, unless he happens to be familiar
+with a certain legend of the plague (though no plague comes in here).
+Indeed, it is only a chance conversation in the last chapter that throws
+light, my dear Watson, on this particularly <i>bizarre</i> affair. And what
+then, you ask, had happened to <i>Jack Dampier</i> after all? Ah!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>I wonder why it is that so many books about walking tours should be
+written in much the same style. At least I don't really wonder at all,
+since it is quite apparent that R. L. S. and <i>Modestine</i> are the models
+responsible for this state of things. And, since the style in itself is
+pleasant enough, I don't know that any one need complain. What put me
+upon this reflection was <i>Vagabonds in Perigord</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>), which, for
+the modulation of its prose, might almost have been an unacknowledged
+work of the Master, but is actually written by Mr. <span class="sc">H. H. Bashford</span>. It
+concerns the wanderings on foot of certain pleasure pilgrims along the
+course of the river Dordogne; and is, for those that like such things,
+one of the most attractive volumes I have met this great while. I liked
+especially the author's happy gift of filling his pages with a holiday
+atmosphere; there is, indeed, so much fresh air and sunshine in them
+that the sympathetic reader will emerge feeling mentally bronzed. Nor
+does Mr. <span class="sc">Bashford</span> lack an agreeable humour of phrase. "Those wonderful
+three-franc dinners that seem to fall like manna upon France at seven
+o'clock every evening" is an example that lingers in my memory.
+Moreover, running through the whole is a hidden joke, and very cunningly
+hidden too, only to be revealed in the last paragraphs. Not for worlds
+would I reveal it here; I content myself with admitting that I for one
+was entirely fooled. I am less sure whether as a record of travel the
+book tempts to emulation. The drawbacks are perhaps too vividly rendered
+for this&mdash;heat and thirst through the flaming June days, and by night
+not wholly unbroken repose. But I am delighted to read about it all.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bram Stoker</span>, whose too early cutting off saddened a wide circle of
+friends, was the Fat Boy of modern writers of fiction. He knew how to
+provide opportunity in fullest measure for making your flesh creep. A
+series of stories named after the first, <i>Dracula's Guest</i> (<span class="sc">Routledge</span>),
+is a marvellous collection of weird fancies wrought with ingenuity,
+related with graphic power, that come as near <span class="sc">Edgar Allan Poe</span> as
+anything I am acquainted with. There are nine, widely varying in subject
+and plot. I have read them all, and am not ashamed to confess that,
+finishing one before commencing another of the fascinating series, I
+found it convenient and agreeable to turn aside for a while and glance
+over less exciting pages. Not the least marvellous thing about the
+banquet is that it is provided at the modest charge of a shilling.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/400.png"><img width="100%" src="images/400.png" alt="The Doctor (a conscientious practitioner)." /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>(<i>A nervous individual, having been advised by a
+specialist that he must undergo an operation, calls upon his own doctor
+to ask him to administer the an&aelig;sthetic.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>The Doctor (a conscientious practitioner).</i> "<span class="sc">Well! I will administer
+the an&aelig;sthetic, but&mdash;you know, I never like doing it. <i>The jury are
+always down on the an&aelig;sthetist.</i></span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 146, MAY 20, 1914***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 24720-h.txt or 24720-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
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+</pre>
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May
+20, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, May 20, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: February 29, 2008  [eBook #24720]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, MAY 20, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 24720-h.htm or 24720-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/7/2/24720/24720-h/24720-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/7/2/24720/24720-h.zip)
+
+
+Transcribers note:
+
+      Stage directions are enclosed by equal signs (example: =Enter=).
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+MAY 20, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+It is comforting to know that we need not yet despair of human nature.
+Even the most abandoned politician may have one redeeming quality. For
+example, _The Express_ tells us that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is a reader
+of _The Express._
+
+       * * *
+
+It is reported to be the intention of General BOTHA to visit this
+country in June or July, and the Labour Party here are said to be
+already taking steps with a view to having him deported as an
+undesirable.
+
+       * * *
+
+If Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN has been correctly reported he is even more of a
+reactionary than most of his opponents imagined. In the course of the
+debate on the Sunday Closing Bill he is said to have delivered himself
+as follows:--"Drunkenness is diminishing, and I say Thank God; long may
+it continue." The pious ejaculation would seem to be an expression of
+gratitude for the joys of inebriety.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Does the nightingale really boycott the land of Llewelyn and Mr. Lloyd
+George--and why?" asks an anxious inquirer in a contemporary. If it is
+so we suspect the reason is a fear on the part of the bird that the
+CHANCELLOR may get to know of the rich quality of his notes and tax him
+out of existence.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. GEORGE STOREY has been elected a Royal Academician. This will
+surprise no one. Burlington House has always favoured the Storey
+picture. And as regards Mr. H. S. TUKE, who was promoted at the same
+time, his serial tale, "Three Boys and a Boat," has now been running for
+quite a number of years.
+
+       * * *
+
+"English," says Mr. BALFOUR, "is abominably difficult." But Erse is
+worse.
+
+       * * *
+
+Despatched at Teddington twenty-three years ago a postcard has just been
+delivered at Walton-on-Thames. The postal authorities trust that the
+publication of this fact will induce people to exercise a little
+patience when they do not receive correspondence which they expect,
+instead of at once jumping to the conclusion that it has been lost.
+
+       * * *
+
+As a consequence of recent outrages at the Royal Academy the Council is
+reported to be testing "unbreakable glass." No doubt the Indestructible
+Paint Company is also circularising artists.
+
+       * * *
+
+A man walking across St. Paul's Churchyard gave a remarkable exhibition
+of presence of mind one day last week. He was knocked down under a
+motor-omnibus, but managed so to arrange himself that the wheels passed
+clear of him. Cinema operators will be obliged if he will give them due
+notice of any intention to repeat the turn.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The London General Omnibus Company advertises itself, so why shouldn't
+we?" said the L.C.C. Tramways--so they had a nice little collision on
+the Embankment last week.
+
+       * * *
+
+At the second annual celebration of "Mothers' Day" at the London Central
+Y.M.C.A., an eloquent address was delivered by the secretary of the
+association, Mr. VIRGO. The thought that, in spite of his name, this
+gentleman, try as he might, could never become a mother is said to have
+raised a lump in the throat of many a member of the audience.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are glad to hear that "Hospital Egg Week" has been a success. We find
+it difficult, however, to believe one account, which states that
+sufficient new-laid eggs have been contributed to last the whole year.
+
+       * * *
+
+"If Adam had lived till now," says Mr. SNOWDEN, "and had worked hard at
+honest labour the whole time, and had been a thrifty man withal, he
+would not have had an income like some of those enjoyed to-day." Mr.
+SNOWDEN is apparently presuming that ADAM'S wife would have lived as
+long as her husband.
+
+       * * *
+
+At his examination in bankruptcy a Clacton monumental mason attributed
+his failure to the healthfulness of the neighbourhood. Suggested motto
+for Clacton funeral artists: "_ Si monumentum requiris_--go elsewhere."
+
+       * * *
+
+Among probable forthcoming improvements at the Zoological Gardens is the
+provision of a band on Sunday. But one great difficulty, we imagine,
+will be to persuade the laughing hyena and certain other rowdy animals
+not to take part in the performances.
+
+       * * *
+
+The didactic drama is with us again, and this time we are to be taught
+to feel affection for the unpopular. _Love Cheats_ is the hortatory
+title of a play to be produced by Miss HORNIMAN'S company next month.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. MARGAM JONES has written a volume entitled _Angels in Wales._
+Nonconformists, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE NEW DRESS.
+
+"Going along Oxford Street, are you? I should love to come with you, but
+it would be a little hard on Bond Street. You see, I haven't shown it to
+Bond Street yet."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BAD LANGUAGE.
+    FROM SIR HERBERT TREE.
+    To the Editor of _The Daily Mail._"
+
+We hope the Editor replied suitably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHO FEARS TO SPEAK OF"--NINETEEN-SIX?
+
+[_Thoughts on "a Bill for the Better_ (sic) _Government of Ireland."_]
+
+
+    There was an Isle all green and fair
+      Where milk and whisky used to flow,
+        Where, thanks to lavish legislators,
+        The pious cult of pigs and taters
+    Filled with content the balmy air--
+      Eight little years ago!
+
+    Distressful she had been, a land
+      Of kine curtailed and burning ricks,
+        Until we others oped our purses
+        To rectify her feudal curses
+    And freed the soil with generous hand--
+      Prior to nineteen-six.
+
+    Though still the casual moonlight raid
+      Occurred at seasons, just for joy,
+        New brands of owners, fat and thriving,
+        Had lost their use for cattle-driving,
+    And agitation's artful aid
+      Pined for its old employ.
+
+    Then came the Liberals in and eyed
+      This land where Peace had poised her wings;
+        And "O!" said they, "how sad a smutch on
+        Our clean United Kingdom's 'scutcheon!
+    It is our duty to provide
+      A Better State of Things."
+
+    Eight years ago! And now we see
+      The dogs of war about to bay;
+        The Bill for Ruling Ireland Better
+        (Strangely enough) has so upset her
+    That pretty soon there ought to be
+      The DEVLIN'S self to pay.
+
+    So, when the general atmosphere
+      Becomes opaque with flying bricks,
+        And those who ran the Home Rule movement
+        Bid me applaud this marked improvement,
+    From pure politeness I shall fear
+      To speak of nineteen-six.
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUSINESSFRIENDSHIP.
+
+
+Have you heard from ---- this year? Mine came last night. Of course (to
+keep it among ourselves) I am not going to say who ---- is beyond
+mentioning (for the purpose of handy reference) that he appears to have
+been christened Josef and that the capital from which he writes (or
+alleges that he writes) is associable with a high standard of musical
+comedy. His communication is very much underlined, very profuse of the
+mark of exclamation in quite unnecessary places (until, indeed, the sign
+begins to assume an absolutely satirical value), and very ornate with
+little amputated hands, all pointing out the short cut to illimitable
+wealth. Now you understand.
+
+The envelope was addressed, as Josef himself assures me that his future
+communications will be, "in the most discreet manner," and yet....
+
+"Put it into the waste-paper basket, my dear," I said to Philippa, who
+had brought it in with some curiosity. "We need not open it. It is only
+Josef offering us another fortune." Need I say that she at once opened
+it?
+
+My address, according to Josef, had been given to him "by a mutual
+businessfriend." This threw me into a contemplation. Who could it be?
+Spraggs had certainly toured the capitals of Central Europe last autumn,
+but he never mentioned Josef on his return. Harris? Well, one would
+scarcely call Harris a _business_friend. Filmer? No, Filmer is too
+selfish, I fear, to do me so good a turn. Ah, of course! Kelly, dear old
+burly rubicund Kelly, with his unfailing memory for an address and his
+delightfully abbreviated style. And he goes everywhere too: the very
+man. I can almost hear him saying it: "Then there's Johnson, my staunch
+old businessfriend Johnson, whom I can trace right back as far as my
+impressions of 1912; mustn't leave him out. I think I can--yes, I have
+it: John Fdk. Johnson, 72, Chestnut Av., Mayfield Pk., S.W. You've got
+that?" Josef has it.
+
+Josef, it appears, possesses a few tickets, and I gather that for some
+reason he does not require all of them himself. Naturally he turns to
+the friend of our mutual businessfriend. Will I participate in the
+distribution of "many, many million within five months?" The first prize
+is one--but perhaps I had better express it as Josef loves to do. The
+first prize is
+
+                  --->ONE MILLION CRS.<---
+
+The chance, he goes on to say, is "without any risk worth mentioning."
+Still, he does mention it. He mentions it quite explicitly so that there
+shall be no mistake. The risk is as follows:--
+
+    1/4 Ticket sh 8/6.
+    1/2 Ticket sh 17/.
+    1/1 Ticket sh 34/.
+
+"All tickets forwarded (paid for) belong to the customer," I am assured,
+"from the moment of dispatch and play, of course, on his account."
+
+I fancy I see what Josef means, but I don't think that the expression,
+"play, of course, on his account," is altogether well chosen. I think it
+might have been phrased more felicitously.
+
+You will not be surprised to know that Josef's interest, stimulated by
+our mutual businessfriend, goes beyond my mere personality. He reminds
+me--Philippa is quite affected by this--that there are others. "The
+astonishing advantages ... must induce to serious consideration anyone
+who is looking after his own welfare, and that of those near and dear to
+him as well."--Yet Josef can be almost stern when there is occasion, and
+he tersely warns me that it is a chance which "probably NEVER WILL BE
+OFFERED to you AGAIN!"
+
+Ah, well.
+
+I suppose that I shall give a miss as usual. It isn't that I doubt a
+single word of Josef's splendid optimism on my behalf. It isn't that I
+really mind the always, to me, inexplicable fact that every second
+ticket is guaranteed to draw a prize, while the _lowest_ prize is double
+the amount charged for the ticket. It isn't (altogether) that I distrust
+Philippa's rosy presentiment. I think it is the concluding paragraph
+that settles it. I read:--
+
+    Will you become
+    A MILLIONAIRE?
+
+    Fill out this Order-Form and send it to me by return of post with
+    the necessary remittance!
+
+That last and entirely superfluous note of exclamation seems only to be
+adequately vocalised as a chuckle. And as I listen it does not seem to
+be myself that is laughing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is already using his influence with the new WAR
+MINISTER. In the Army Orders for March, 1914, we read:--
+
+     "Paragraph 555, line 4. _For '4d.' substitute '9d.'_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE CONCERT OF SOUTH AMERICA.
+
+THE MEDIATORS. "PARDON, MADAM, BUT YOU HAVE HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE OF
+THIS KIND OF THING. HOW DO YOU DO IT?"
+
+EUROPA. "OH, WE JUST TALK AND TALK--AND THEN TALK!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Player (encouragingly)._ "Bad luck! Well tried!"
+
+_Second Player (petulantly)._ "I didn't try for anything."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PIERCING OF THE VEIL.
+
+
+"I think," says Dr. LYNCH in _The Daily Chronicle,_ "that a man leaves
+some trace of himself in every sentence that he writes. What then of
+works so extensive as Shakspeare's? Certainly we should see him through
+and through if we only knew how to look."
+
+_We_ do know how to look, and we have done so with results that can
+hardly fail to astonish the reader. It has long been known, for
+instance, that SHAKSPEARE was a good man of business, but until our
+researches no one had realised quite how good. His theatre had to pay,
+and he knew as well as any modern manager how to make it do so. That he
+realised, for instance, the attractions of American dance tunes is
+evident from his reference to "rags to split the ears of the
+groundlings" (_Hamlet_, Act III., Scene 2).
+
+Apart from his business SHAKSPEARE had private ambitions. We all know
+that he applied for a grant of arms, but few are aware that he also
+stood for Parliament, and, like many another, regretted the expense
+after it was incurred. "Almost all," he says feelingly, "repent in their
+election" (_Coriolanus_, Act II., Scene 3). His exact political views
+are still uncertain, but, at any rate, we may be sure that he
+disapproved of the Lords, for he boldly announced the fact in the _Two
+Gentlemen of Verona,_ Act V., Scene 4, where he says, "One house, one
+mutual happiness."
+
+But these are serious matters. What of his hours of ease? That he golfed
+there can now be no manner of doubt. In _The Tempest,_ Act IV., Scene 1,
+he refers to the "short grassed green," and in _Hamlet_, Act II., Scene
+2, he earns our respect by the simple statement, "I went round," without
+any tedious details. Possibly the "thousand marks in links" in the first
+part of _Henry IV._, Act III., Scene 3, explains this reticence, but, at
+any rate, he occasionally found one whom he fancied he could beat;
+witness his remark in _Twelfth Night,_ Act II., Scene 3, "Sir Toby, I
+must be round with you."
+
+And, golf over, he liked his pipe and his glass. The "smoke and lukewarm
+water" mentioned in _Timon of Athens,_ Act III., Scene 6, only needs the
+addition of a dash of whisky to make an evening any of us might enjoy;
+and his words in _Anthony and Cleopatra,_ Act I., Scene 2, "We bring
+forth weeds when our quick minds are still," will find an echo in many a
+chest. In this connection it might be noted that he took an occasional
+holiday in France. That at least seems a reasonable assumption when so
+keen a smoker cries, as he does in _The Merchant of Venice,_ Act III.,
+Scene 1, "I have another bad match."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VAGRANT.
+
+
+        The humble bee
+        No skep has he,
+    No twisted, straw-thatched dome,
+        A ferny crest
+        Provides his nest,
+    The mowing-grass his home.
+
+        The crook-beaked shrike
+        His back may spike
+    And pierce him with a thorn;
+        The humble bee
+        A tramp is he
+    And there is none to mourn.
+
+        O'er bank and brook,
+        In wooded nook,
+    He wanders at his whim,
+        Lives as he can,
+        Owes naught to man,
+    And man owes naught to him.
+
+        No hive receives
+        The sweets he gives,
+    No flowers for him are sown,
+        Yet wild and gay
+        He hums his way,
+    A nomad on his own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUFFERER.
+
+
+Having engaged a sleeping-berth I naturally hurried, coin in hand, to
+the conductor, as all wise travellers do (usually to their
+discomfiture), to see if I could be accommodated with a compartment to
+myself and be guaranteed against invasion.
+
+The carriage was full.
+
+I then sought my compartment, to learn the worst as to my position,
+whether above or below the necessarily offensive person who was to be my
+companion.
+
+He was already there, and we exchanged the hard implacable glare that is
+reserved among the English for the other fellow in a wagon-lit
+compartment.
+
+When I discovered that to him had fallen the dreaded upper berth I
+relaxed a little, and later we were full of courtesies to each
+other--renunciations of hat-pegs, racks and so forth, and charming
+mutual concessions as to the light, which I controlled from below--so
+that by morning we were so friendly that he deemed me a fit recipient of
+his Great Paris Grievance.
+
+This grievance, which he considered that everyone should know about,
+bears upon the prevalence of spurious coins in the so-called Gay City
+and the tendency of Parisians to work them off on foreigners. As he
+says, a more inhospitable course one cannot conceive. Foreigners in
+Paris should be treated as guests, and just now, with all this Entente
+talk, the English especially. But no. It is the English who are the
+first victims of the possessor of obsolete francs, two-franc and
+five-franc pieces guiltless of their country's silver and ten-franc
+pieces into whose composition no gold has entered.
+
+He had been in Paris but an hour or so when--but let me tell the story
+as my travelling companion told it to me.
+
+"I don't know what your experience in Paris has been," he said, "but I
+have been victimised right and left."
+
+He was now getting up while I lay at comparative ease in my berth and
+watched his difficulties in the congested room and thought what horrid
+vests he wore.
+
+"I had been in Paris but a few hours," he continued, "when it was
+necessary to pay a cabman. I handed him a franc. He examined it, laughed
+and returned it. I handed him another. He went through the same
+performance. Having found some good money to get rid of him, I sat down
+outside a cafe to try and remember where I had received the change in
+which these useless coins had been inserted. During a week in Paris much
+of my time was spent in that way."
+
+He sighed and drew on his trousers. His braces were red.
+
+"I showed the bad francs to a waiter," he went on, "and he, like the
+cabman, laughed. In fact, next to an undressed woman, there is no stroke
+of wit so certain of Parisian mirth as a bad coin. The first thought of
+everyone to whom I showed my collection was to be amused." His face
+blackened with rage. "This cheerful callousness in a matter involving a
+total want of principle and straight-dealing as between man and man," he
+said, "denotes to what a point of cynicism the Parisians have attained."
+
+I agreed with him.
+
+"The waiter," he continued, "went through my money and pointed out what
+was good and what either bad or out of currency. He called other waiters
+to enjoy the joke. It seemed that in about four hours I had acquired
+three bad francs, one bad two-franc piece and two bad five-franc pieces.
+I put them away in another pocket and got fresh change from him, which,
+as I subsequently discovered, contained one obsolete five-franc piece
+and two discredited francs. And so it went on. I was a continual target
+for them."
+
+Here he began to wash, and the story was interrupted.
+
+When he re-emerged I asked him why he didn't always examine his change.
+
+"It's very difficult to remember to do so," he said, "and, besides, I am
+not an expert. Anyway, it got worse and worse, and when a bad gold piece
+came along I realised that I must do something so I wrote to the Chief
+of the Police."
+
+"In French?" I asked.
+
+"No, in English--the language of honesty. I told him my own experiences.
+I said that other English people whom I had met had testified to similar
+trouble; and I put it to him that as a matter of civic pride--_esprit de
+pays_--he should do his utmost to cleanse Paris of this evil. I added
+that in my opinion the waiters were the worst offenders."
+
+"Have you had a reply?" I asked.
+
+"Not yet," he said, and having completed his toilet he made room for me.
+
+I thought about him a good deal and sympathised not a little, for he
+seemed a good sort of fellow and might possibly have had his
+calculations as to expenditure considerably upset by his adventures. It
+certainly was a shame!
+
+Later, meeting him in the restaurant-car I asked him to show me his
+store of bad money. I wanted to see for myself what those coins were
+like.
+
+"I haven't got them," he said.
+
+"You sent them to the Chief of the Police with your letter, I suppose?"
+I said.
+
+"No, I didn't," he replied. "The fact is--well--as a matter of fact I
+managed to work them all off again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "Curfew _shall not_ ring to-night."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At the beginning of the season good bowling performances are not
+    unusual--batsmen get themselves out so easily--but Barratt's
+    bowling yesterday was better than his figures.... Five times
+    yesterday he broke right across the wicket from leg, but none of
+    those magnificent balls got wickets, perhaps because it was too
+    early in the season."--_Times._
+
+The beginning of the season seems rather a tricky time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Death of Collar: Cobham Stud's severe loss."--_Yorkshire Post._
+
+The converse of this accident occurred to us the other day, when our
+Whitefriars collar lost its stud.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Richard I.... at once began to prepare the third crusade. In 1190
+    he started, and reached Acre in June, 1911."
+
+    _"Everyman" Encyclopaedia._
+
+Thus missing KING GEORGE Vth's Coronation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Customer._ "This is a beautiful chop, waiter, the best
+you've ever----"
+
+_Waiter._ "Yes, an' I won't 'arf cop nothing. That was the boss's chop
+what I've giv you in mistake."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VANDALISM.
+
+
+The new proposals with regard to the water supply of the City of Glasgow
+are causing, we are not surprised to learn, the utmost fury and
+consternation throughout Scotland. Criticism has concentrated especially
+upon two points: the imminent risk of submerging ROBERT THE BRUCE'S
+Stone and, of course, the danger of tampering in however slight a degree
+with the birthplace of ROB ROY. The passive resistance movement has
+already assumed such proportions that one enterprising publisher feels
+justified in announcing a new cheap edition of the "Waverley Novels,"
+illustrated from local photographs.
+
+There is, of course, another side to the question. As far as the stone
+goes it is contended:--
+
+(1) That no one knows why it should have belonged to ROBERT THE BRUCE,
+where he got it or what he did with it when he had it.
+
+(2) That the fact of its being under water would not impair its value in
+any way and at the same time would give an historical flavour to every
+glass of mitigated whisky thereafter drunk in the City of Glasgow.
+
+(3) That it could very easily be shifted a bit up the hill if it is
+desired to keep it dry, and a small permanent umbrella erected over it.
+
+With regard to ROB ROY'S birthplace the contention is that it is
+practically impossible to construct a new reservoir in these days
+anywhere north of the Tweed which will not interfere in some way with
+one or other of the places where ROB ROY was born.
+
+It is not only Scotchmen, however, who have been touched to the quick by
+this irreverent and thoughtless proposal. The whole literary profession
+is up in arms. A memorial is being prepared to be presented to the PRIME
+MINISTER, under the heading, "Hands off ROB ROY!" _Mr. Punch_ himself
+has not been idle in the matter. He has spent the last week in eliciting
+the opinions of some of our leading writers on this vital question.
+
+Mr. WILLIAM DE MORGAN (in a charming, if rather discursive, letter of
+32,000 words) demands legislation. "Who knows," he asks, "to what
+lengths this modern craze for water supplies may go? It is even possible
+that, within a century, attempts may be made to submerge that delightful
+little cottage in the county of Essex where Ghost met Ghost."
+
+Mr. BERNARD SHAW, interviewed on his doorstep, derided the action of the
+Glasgow Corporation. No amount of water, he told our representative,
+could have the least effect in making our modern cities less beastly
+than they were. For his part, however, he was taking no risks. He had
+that morning arranged for the erection of a spiked iron fence twenty
+feet high round the (supposed) birthplace of _Eliza Doolittle._
+
+Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT writes:--"I have every sympathy with the widespread
+indignation of my fellow-authors, but personally I am not very closely
+concerned. My position is secure: no one is likely to tamper with the
+Five Towns in an attempt to improve their washing facilities."
+
+"Might I suggest to the learned pundits of the House of Lords, if it is
+not too late," writes Mrs. FLORENCE BARCLAY, "that a writer who, in his
+day, enjoyed such a circulation as that of Sir WALTER SCOTT--this is, of
+course, fundamentally a question of circulation--is not to be treated in
+this cavalier fashion? For oneself, whatever fate may be in store for
+the precious local associations of one's past work, it is fortunately
+possible to make the future secure. I am laying the scene of my new
+romance, of which the fifth chapter is almost completed, on the top of
+an inaccessible hill."
+
+Mr. H. G. WELLS points out that there is no particular need in his case
+to take action. He hopes that by the day when the conditions in time and
+space of his latest novel come into being every household in the country
+will be supplied with its own water by a process of filtered absorption
+from the atmosphere.
+
+It is anticipated that something definite will be done by the special
+committee of the Authors Society which has been appointed with the view
+of extending the law of copyright so as to secure the author's undoubted
+property in his local associations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BILLET DOUX.
+
+
+Monday's breakfast is never a jovial affair. One always has the feeling
+that something dreadful has happened or is going to happen. Thus, three
+days ago I had with a light heart handed over my practice to a locum and
+my books to an accountant, telling the one to look up my bad patients
+and the other to look up my bad debts, while I went away to end the week
+with the Wrefords. Twelve hours ago it had seemed that I should never
+know such happiness in this world again as I had found with them, and
+here we all were on Monday morning with everything changed, Mrs. Wreford
+sulking in bed and Wreford displaying a polite but firm hatred of me and
+all the world. In this case my feeling was that something dreadful _was_
+happening.
+
+"Mornin', Wreford," said I, as I took my place at table.
+
+"Mornin', Everall," he grunted, barely looking up from his letters, and
+that seemed to end the dialogue. When, however, one's host is also one's
+most valuable patient, there is call for a special effort. He had all
+the correspondence, I had none; in an emergency this suggested itself as
+a matter of comment.
+
+"To me," I said chattily, "things seem to be just as badly managed at
+the Post Office as they were in SAMUEL'S time."
+
+"Was there a post office in those days?" he asked, without noticeable
+enthusiasm.
+
+"_The_ SAMUEL HERBERT," I explained, and that again seemed to end it.
+
+After a pause, "However," I said kindly, "you enjoy your letters and I
+will find what consolation and company I can in a poached egg."
+
+"Enjoy?" asked Wreford. "But you are being sarcastic, no doubt."
+
+"Only panel doctors can afford to be that," I murmured.
+
+Wreford's first letter appeared to pain him, and he looked at me
+sternly, as if the evils of this life were all my fault. Then he unbent
+a little.
+
+"Tell me, Everall," said he, "have you enjoyed your little visit to us?"
+
+The question took me by surprise but it was, at any rate, one to be
+answered in the affirmative.
+
+"And you are proportionately grateful?" he pursued.
+
+I protested, somewhat lamely, that I most certainly was.
+
+"Gratitude, it seems," said he, "may express itself in the most odd
+manner."
+
+"Mine," I replied stiffly, "will express itself in the customary
+letter."
+
+"What, another?" he asked, adding, after a pause, "Do you refer to the
+note which your solicitors will write me forthwith and charge me
+three-and-sixpence for?"
+
+I thought deeply but was baffled. "It is full early in the morning for
+the cryptic and abstruse," I said.
+
+Wreford sighed as he slowly folded up his letter and put it in its
+envelope. "It is the one moment in the week," he explained, "when the
+very worst must be expected."
+
+I begged him to elucidate the position.
+
+"Suppose," said he, "you had invited a man to stay with you for the
+week-end, had motored him down from town on the Friday night and given
+him dinner and a nice big bed, and on Saturday more meals and more bed,
+and on Sunday still more meals and still more bed, and on the Monday
+morning a nice yellow-and-white poached egg all to himself."
+
+"I quite appreciate all that," said I.
+
+"And suppose, while he was still sitting at your table and working his
+way through the bit of toast where the egg once sat, you received a
+letter from him."
+
+"A letter from me?" I cried.
+
+"You said your thanks would be expressed in a letter, but the
+promptitude of it has surprised even yourself, hasn't it? I should have
+received it yesterday, but that there is no Sunday post, happily."
+
+"You remember I said I was very grateful," said I, still not
+understanding.
+
+"And I said that gratitude had a queer way of expressing itself
+sometimes," said he, handing over the letter at last. "Read it aloud,"
+he added; "I find the style original."
+
+"Harley Street, W. 25th April, 1914," I read. "Thomas Wreford, Esquire,
+debtor to John Everall. For professional services, 1912 to 1913,
+thirty-eight guineas."
+
+"Go on," he said. "The postscript is where your gratitude becomes the
+most exuberant."
+
+"Your attention will oblige," I finished.
+
+"Well, what do you think of it?" he asked with a smile.
+
+"I prefer not to," said I, also smiling tentatively.
+
+There was a silence. "However," said Wreford eventually, "let us say no
+more about it." At this my smile became firmer and more expansive. "Let
+us agree," he said significantly, "to let bygones be bygones."
+
+My smile died out suddenly, as smiles do on a Monday morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In practice yesterday Mr. Hilton did 72 in a three-hole match."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+We must challenge him at once.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  HIGHWAY LOOT.
+
+
+    Ah! the lapse of courtly manners,
+      Ah! the change from knighthood's code
+    Since the day when oil and spanners
+      Ousted horseflesh from the road!
+    This I realised most fully
+      Last week-end at Potter's Bar
+    When a beetle-flattening bully
+      Held me up in Laura's car.
+
+    "Where," I shouted, "are the graces,
+      Officer, of days long dead?
+    Never mind how hot our pace is,
+      Conjure up the past instead;
+    Dream of chaises and postilions,
+      Turnpike bars that ope and shut;
+    Try to get some more resilience
+      Into your confounded nut.
+
+    "Blooms are bursting in the covers
+      Even as they burst to-day
+    (Not to mention tyres); two lovers
+      Post to Scotland, let us say;
+    Sudden from the hedge comes TURPIN,
+      Pistols cocked and debonair;
+    Both the horses stand up perpen-
+      dicularly in the air.
+
+    "What occurs? The gallant caitiff,
+      Noticing the swain is poor
+    (Courtesy with him is native,
+      Not like you, suburban boor),
+    Bows, and says in accents sunny,
+      'Pass along, Sir--make good speed;
+    I'm convinced you've got no money
+      And I do not want your bleed.
+
+    "'Sweet be Maytime to your noses;
+      Short is life, but love is sweet,
+    There's a city man named Moses
+      Whom I've simply got to meet;
+    On you go, you two young larkers;'
+      Then he bids his Jew disgorge
+    Or reserves his brace of barkers
+      For the coach of D. LLOYD GEORGE.
+
+    "Such the good high Toby fashion;
+      Surely in your bosom stirs,
+    Constable, a like compassion
+      For our two poor cylinders;
+    All we have is vile and shoddy;
+      See that low-hung touring brute--
+    There's a bonnet! there's a body
+      Worthy of a road-knight's loot!"
+
+    Thus I spake; but, still phlegmatic,
+      Imperturbable and stout,
+    Rendering Doric for my Attic,
+      Robert pulled his note-book out;
+    Said, "Me dooty is me dooty,"
+      And retiring to his trench
+    Pondered further schemes of booty
+      For the footpads on the Bench.
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The enthusiasm of the people was so great that it was not damped
+    by a real Scotch milk."--_Liverpool Courier._
+
+When did whisky ever damp the enthusiasm of a Scotch crowd?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS.
+
+Illustration: _Harlequin._ "Never Mind, My Dear; I'll Have A Few Words
+To Say To The Limelight Man About This!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE CARD-SHARPERS.
+
+_Near Female._ "Stop Cheating For A Minute While I Get My Portrait
+Taken."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A PHANTASY IN THE CENTRAL HALL.--"CAUGHT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A DEADLOCK.
+
+"IF WE GO FORWARD WE'LL GET SUNSTROKE, AND IF WE GO BACK THERE'S A
+BLIZZARD; SO WE MAY AS WELL STOP WHERE WE ARE AND HAVE OUR PICTURE
+PAINTED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FLOODS IN THE THAMES VALLEY.
+
+The family of a well-known stockbroker takes advantage of the situation
+to practise a little first-aid, and incidentally get on with the week's
+washing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: SINGULAR APATHY OF AGRICULTURAL LABOURERS DURING AN INVASION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _The Sea-Maiden._ "Catch me!"
+
+_The Shrimp-Hunter (regretfully)._ "I'D LIKE TO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THIS
+IS THE CLOSE SEASON FOR MERMAIDS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE ART OF ACHIEVING THE IMPOSSIBLE--A CUBIST PICTURE GETS
+A PLACE ON THE LINE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: YOUTHFUL ATHLETES, WHILE TRAINING FOR THE NEXT OLYMPIC GAMES
+(THREE-LEGGED RACE), ARE HAMPERED BY THE PRESENCE OF LARGE, FIERCE
+BIRDS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Territorial._ "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR
+MANOEUVRES, BILL?"
+
+_Second Territorial (hitherto unacquainted with field-days)._ "THANK
+'EVIN WE'VE GOT A NIVY!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BELOW THE WEIR.
+
+
+    Beyond the punt the swallows go
+    Like blue-black arrows to and fro,
+    Now stooping where the rushes grow,
+        Now flashing o'er a shallow;
+    And overhead in blue and white
+    High Spring and Summer hold delight;
+    "All right!" the black-cap calls, "All right!"
+        His mate says from the sallow.
+
+    O dancing stream, O diamond day,
+    O charm of lilac-time and May.
+    O whispering meadows green and gay,
+        O fair things past believing!
+    Could but the world stand still, stand still
+    When over wood and stream and hill
+    This morn's eternal miracle
+        The rosy Hours are weaving!
+
+    Eternal, for I like to think
+    That mayflowers, crimson, white and pink,
+    When I am dust the boughs shall prink,
+        On days to live and die for;
+    That sun and cloud, as now, shall veer,
+    And streams run tumbling off the weir,
+    Where still the mottled trout rolls clear
+        For other men to try for.
+
+    I like to think, when I shall go
+    To this essential dust, that so
+    I yet may share in flowers that blow,
+        And with such brave sights mingle,
+    If tossed by summer breeze on high
+    I'm carried where the cuckoos cry
+    And dropped beside old Thames to lie
+        A sand-grain on a shingle.
+
+    Meanwhile the swallows flash and skim
+    Like blue-black arrows notched and trim,
+    And splendid kingcups lift a brim
+        Of gold to king or peasant,
+    And 'neath a sky of blue and white
+    High Spring with Summer weaves delight;
+    "All right!" the black-cap calls, "all right!"
+        And life is very pleasant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LANGUAGE OF COLOUR.
+
+
+"My dear Clarice," I said, "I may say, in the circumstances, my very
+dear Clarice, I like being engaged--to you, that is; no, I've never been
+engaged before--but I don't see the sense of getting married. Even the
+State seems to deride the idea of our union."
+
+"What do you mean?" said Clarice. "I'm almost alarmed. Have they
+discovered that you suffered from toothache as a boy?"
+
+"It isn't," I said, "a question of eugenics. I was at Somerset House
+to-day getting a copy of my birth certificate, and----"
+
+"They surely didn't say anything about our engagement at Somerset House.
+I didn't suppose they even knew of it," said Clarice.
+
+"Ill news travels apace," I said. "But that by the way. I was about to
+say that red is a noble colour. It is a bold, a striking colour. A day
+on which a great event occurs is called 'a red letter day.' Black, on
+the other hand, may mean nothing, or it may denote sadness."
+
+"Why this going off at a tangent?" said Clarice. "Why this dissertation
+on colours?"
+
+"I say, that's a good word--I mean that long one just near the end. Did
+you really learn it, or did you merely come by it? But, as I was saying,
+red is a colour used for indicating notable events. The State considers
+a birth is a notable event. Birth certificates are printed in red."
+
+"And death certificates," said Clarice, "in black, I suppose?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "a delicate hint that the State feels sad."
+
+"And marriage certificates?" asked Clarice.
+
+"Ah!" I said, "that's the strange thing. Nothing may be implied really,
+but it is significant that they print them in----"
+
+"Purple?" said Clarice eagerly.
+
+"Verdant green," I said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE NEW SHYLOCK.
+
+MR. REDMOND. "LOOK HERE, I UNDERSTOOD YOU WERE TO GET ME MY FULL POUND
+OF FLESH!"
+
+MR. ASQUITH (_his counsel_). "YES, YES, I KNOW: BUT IT RATHER LOOKS NOW
+AS IF WE MIGHT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THREE-QUARTERS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: MR. LLOYD GEORGE Regards MR. BALFOUR'S Attitude as
+Bellicose.
+
+"If every conciliatory offer put forward by the Government is to be
+treated in the spirit displayed by the right hon. gentleman, that is the
+way to promote civil war."
+
+    _Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE BILL AND THE AMENDING BILL.
+
+_Nurse ASQUITH._ "Now, take the powder like a good boy."
+
+_Master BONAR LAW._ "Where's the jam?"
+
+_Nurse ASQUITH._ "Oh, that comes later."
+
+_Master BONAR LAW._ "Well, I want to see it now. What's it made of?"
+
+_Nurse ASQUITH._ "I must have notice of that question."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 11._--For a while PRIME MINISTER'S
+protest against inordinate questioning, his announcement of
+determination not to take part in further shorter catechism more or less
+distantly related to the "plot" and the "coup," had wholesome effect. As
+he stated, since the plot was discovered he had made seven hundred
+replies to friendly inquiries. A Member below Gangway to his right added
+the seven hundred and first. Wanted to know whether it is true that the
+argumentative questions crowding the notice paper are the product of a
+factory in the neighbourhood of Parliament Street, presided over by an
+official whose name suggests that he has been "made in Germany."
+Expeditiously turned out, as from a sausage machine, is it true that
+they are nicely sorted and distributed among Members of the Opposition,
+who in turn pelt the PREMIER with them?
+
+After brief lull epidemic breaks out afresh. Twenty-three Questions
+addressed to PRIME MINISTER to-day appear on printed paper. As each,
+with the aid of semi-colons, represents two, three, occasionally five
+distinct queries they reach aggregate of half a hundred. This not
+counting Supplementaries.
+
+Happily the PREMIER is incomparable master of the rare art of brief
+reply, wherein he presents pleasing contrast to the manner of his old
+master, GLADSTONE. Had he chanced to be Premier when the Fourth Party
+were struggling into notoriety their task would have been more
+difficult, their triumph delayed if not unattainable.
+
+When GRANDOLPH, WOLFF and GORST, with PRINCE ARTHUR looking on, set
+themselves to "draw GLADSTONE," as was their custom of an afternoon,
+that astute personage became as a child in their hands. GRANDOLPH led
+off with a question, to which long reply was made. WOLFF, profusely
+grateful for the right hon. gentleman's courtesy, shunted the PREMIER on
+to another track, along which he cheerfully sprinted. Then came JOHN O'
+GORST. With the subtlety of a trained but not practising barrister he
+put a third question, drawing a third speech. Thus merrily sped a
+quarter of an hour or twenty minutes, deferring by so much the progress
+of public business.
+
+ASQUITH'S share in the conversation at the Question hour is based on a
+familiar Biblical injunction. It is largely composed of "Yea, yea," and
+"Nay, nay." In the case alluded to, wherein the Fourth Party gave play
+to their insatiable desire for information, he would have replied to
+GRANDOLPH, "Yes, Sir;" to WOLFF, "No, Sir." Had he been exceptionally
+lured into verbosity he might have gone as far as to say, "The answer is
+in the negative," or "in the affirmative," as the case might be. As for
+JOHN O' GORST, he would have referred him to a speech made on a
+particular preceding date, "to which I have nothing to add."
+
+_Business done._--LLOYD GEORGE further explains his Budget. Resolutions
+founded thereupon agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--What at outset promised to be businesslike debate verging on
+dulness suddenly leapt into flame and fury, signifying angry passion
+stirred by Home Rule Bill. In studiously moderate speech PREMIER moved
+resolution identical with that adopted last year, whereby Committee
+stage of Home Rule Bill, Welsh Church Disestablishment and Plural Voting
+will be forgone. Pointed out that Committee stage is designed for
+purpose of providing opportunity of amending Bills. Since under
+Parliament Act none of these measures can be amended in the Commons,
+what use to go into Committee on them?
+
+Being in increasingly businesslike mood PREMIER went a step further.
+Abandoned proposal to submit and discuss "suggestions" to Home Rule
+Bill. Authoritatively announced by WALTER LONG and others that the Lords
+are predetermined to throw it out on second reading. What use then to
+formulate and discuss suggestions that could be dealt with by the Lords
+only in subsequent Committee? Finally announced intention of getting
+Bill through all Parliamentary stages before Whitsuntide, placing it on
+Statute Book by automatic process of Parliament Act. Will then bring in
+Amending Bill dealing with Ulster.
+
+It was PRINCE ARTHUR who roused crowded House from chilled condition
+following upon douche of this application of ordinary business
+principles to legislative procedure. In best fighting form. Stirred to
+profoundest depths of scorn for actual working of that detested statute,
+the Parliament Act.
+
+"We are," he said, amid strident cheers from Opposition, welcoming their
+old captain back to the fighting line, "asked to force through under the
+Parliament Act a Bill which by hypothesis requires amendment. What is
+worse than that is that we are to be compelled to read it a third time
+and to part with it while we know that it is to be amended, but while we
+have not the smallest conception in what respects or in what way."
+Insisted that before Home Rule Bill is added to Statute Book Parliament
+should know in what points it would be amended. "Let us have the
+Amending Bill first."
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR having stirred the embers of slumbering fire, CHANCELLOR
+OF EXCHEQUER vigorously fanned them.
+
+"If," he said, "every conciliatory offer put forward by the Government
+is to be treated in the spirit displayed by the right hon. gentleman,
+that is the way to promote civil war."
+
+Hereupon storm burst over Opposition quarters. Shouts of "Shame!" and
+"Liar" hurtled through the suddenly heated atmosphere. The CHANCELLOR'S
+attempt to proceed with his speech baffled by continuous
+cry,--"Withdraw! Withdraw!" At length SPEAKER interposed with suggestion
+that the CHANCELLOR had been misunderstood. Claimed for him the right of
+explanation. This conceded, LLOYD GEORGE pointed out that what he had
+meant to say was that argument such as that forthcoming from Front
+Opposition Bench, making it difficult for the Government to submit
+proposals of peace, would have effect of promoting civil war.
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR naturally falling into "old style" of House of Commons
+debate, not only frankly accepted explanation but chivalrously took upon
+himself blame of the outbreak, which he said "apparently arose from an
+unfortunate expression of mine." Ended with pretty turn of grave satire
+that greatly pleased the House.
+
+After this, debate quietly proceeded to appointed end, everyone mutely
+invoking
+
+    Blessings on the falling out
+      That all the more endears,
+    When we fall out with those we love
+      And kiss again with tears.
+
+_Business done._--PREMIER'S resolution carried by 276 votes against 194.
+Majority 82. House of Lords by common consent passed second reading of
+useful little Bill for protection of grey seals threatened with
+extinction by mercenary sportsmen.
+
+_Thursday._--Remarkable how SHAKSPEARE (or was it BACON?) wrote not only
+for all time but for all circumstance. The marvel came to light again in
+scene in House yesterday.
+
+Writing of the time of _Romeo and Juliet_ SHAKSPEARE reports dialogue
+between two fighting men of the houses of _Capulet_ and _Montague._
+Meeting _Sampson_ in a public place in Verona, _Abram_ truculently asks,
+"Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir?
+
+_Sam._ I do bite my thumb, Sir.
+
+_Abr._ Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir?
+
+_Sam. (aside, to his comrade _Gregory). Is the law on our side if I say
+ay?
+
+_Greg._ No.
+
+_Sam._ No, Sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, Sir; but I bite my
+thumb."
+
+KINLOCH-COOKE, having put question to WEDGWOOD BENN, following it up by
+two supplementary inquiries, put a third when the SPEAKER interposed.
+Shrugging his shoulders in silent protest against this tyranny
+KINLOCH-COOKE resumed his seat.
+
+Said the SPEAKER sternly, "It is no good shrugging your shoulders at
+me."
+
+This is prosaic account of incident given in this morning's papers.
+Refer to _Hansard_ and see how it runs.
+
+_SPEAKER._ Do you shrug your shoulders at me, Sir?
+
+_KINLOCH-COOKE._ I do shrug my shoulders, Sir.
+
+_SPEAKER._ Do you shrug your shoulders at me, Sir?
+
+_KINLOCH-COOKE (aside to WINTERTON)._ Is there anything in the Standing
+Orders that forbids my shrugging my shoulders at the SPEAKER?
+
+_WINTERTON (who is training for Speakership and has them all by heart)._
+Yes.
+
+_KINLOCH-COOKE._ No, Sir, I do not shrug my shoulders at you, Sir; but I
+shrug my shoulders.
+
+_SPEAKER._ Order! Order!
+
+_Business done._--Another plot that failed. For some weeks Opposition
+have not attempted to snap a division. Ministerialists, lulled into
+sense of security, off guard. Secret preparations sedulously made for
+trapping them this afternoon. Questions over, division challenged on
+formal motion. Ministerial Whips awake in good time to emergency. Urgent
+messages had been sent out to their men by telephone and special
+messengers. Arrivals watched with feverish interest. Ministerialists
+hurriedly drop in by twos and threes, presently by tens. ILLINGWORTH'S
+massive brow, temporarily seared with wrinkles, smooths out. When, after
+division, Clerk hands paper to him indicating that ambush has been
+baffled, hilarious cheer rises from Ministerial benches. Renewed when
+figures read by the SPEAKER show that the motion is carried by 255 votes
+against 234.
+
+"Not a high-class game in imperial politics," says SARK. "Rather akin to
+the humour of making a butter slide on the pavement for the discomfiture
+of unsuspecting passers-by. But boys will be boys."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Mr. ROWLAND HUNT IN HIS BEST FORM.
+
+"I don't know [laughter] what honourable Members [renewed laughter] are
+laughing about [loud and prolonged laughter.]"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NATIONAL CALAMITY.
+
+GREAT PERFORMER CONTEMPLATES RETIREMENT.
+
+
+Once more the Atlantic liner has delivered Mr. Bamborough (_ne_
+Bamberger) back to us, and once more British concert-goers should in
+consequence rejoice. But their natural jubilations are unfortunately
+tempered by a momentous announcement which the great violinist made to
+our representative at Plymouth last week, on the arrival of the _Julius
+Caesar,_ to the effect that he has decided to retire from the active
+pursuit of his profession. On receiving the news of this national
+calamity our representative fell into a heavy swoon, and was revived
+with some difficulty. The thought of the permanent withdrawal from
+public life in his golden prime of the great virtuoso, with his opulent
+physique, his superbly Mosaic features and his luxuriant chevelure, was
+altogether too poignantly overwhelming. Let us hasten then to reassure
+our readers that the blow, though it must inevitably descend one day, is
+mercifully deferred for a considerable period. To begin with, Mr.
+Bamborough is under contract to give five farewell tours in the United
+States at intervals of four years before entering upon the penultimate
+stage of his severance from the British concert platform. This, which
+will begin in the autumn of 1934, is likely to continue until the year
+1948, when he is booked for an extended tour in Polynesia, Japan, New
+Guinea and Java. On his return to England in 1950 he proposes to give
+sixty farewell recitals at intervals of three months, culminating in a
+grand concert at the Albert Hall.
+
+"And then," mused the illustrious artist, "farewell to the platform for
+ever! I find it hard indeed to realise that the concert-going public and
+I by that time will have been intimate friends for more than seventy
+years, but so it will be, for I was only nine when I made my first
+appearance in London, in a velvet knickerbocker suit with pearl buttons
+and a Fauntleroy collar. Still, it will all make a lovely retrospect for
+me, and when I finally retire it will be with a heart very full of
+gratitude to my generous friends in all four hemispheres of the globe."
+
+"And after that?" suggested our representative, now partially restored
+by these reassuring tidings.
+
+"After that--literature," was the emphatic reply. "I have already signed
+a contract with Messrs. Goodleigh and Champ to write my Reminiscences in
+the form of a Musical Encyclopaedia. My father-in-law, Sir Pompey
+Boldero, is giving me valuable assistance in preparing the material, but
+as he is already sixty-five I cannot, unhappily, count with absolute
+confidence on his being spared to witness the completion of the work.
+Still, he is so full of vigour that M. METCHNIKOFF considers his chances
+of becoming a centenarian decidedly promising. In any case the
+collaboration of my children, whose filial devotion is only equalled by
+their talent, is secured, and Mrs. Bamborough, as you know, wields a
+vivid and trenchant pen. But literature will not occupy all my time. My
+estancia in the Argentine will need supervision, and I hope to spend an
+occasional summer in the Solomon Islands, where the natives are
+strangely attached to us."
+
+Mr. Bamborough pointed out that Sir JOHNSTON FORBES-ROBERTSON, who also
+returned by the _Julius Caesar,_ had only drawn receipts amounting to
+L107,000 in a tour of thirty weeks' duration, while he (Mr. Bamborough)
+had netted no less than L150,000 in a tour lasting twenty-seven weeks
+and three days. In addition to the receipts in specie, Mr. Bamborough
+had received several nuggets from the gold miners in Colorado, and a
+bull moose from Mr. KERMIT ROOSEVELT, while Mrs. Bamborough had been the
+recipient of a highly-trained bobolink, and a charming young
+alligator from the cedar swamps of Louisiana.
+
+Other notable passengers on the _Julius Caesar_ were Miss Topsy Cooney,
+the famous coloured pianist, who plays only on the black keys and
+entirely by ear; Little Dinky, the marvellous calculating boy, who does
+not know the names of the numbers; and Elaine Runnymede, the child
+contralto, who can only sing the whole tone scale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Small Brother (whose sisters are working for their girl
+guides' ambulance badge)._ "Come on, here's A bit of luck for you. I've
+made Rupert's nose bleed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+From a catalogue:--
+
+    "Also made in cheaper and better quality models."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Grumpy._ "Better put the diamond in the safe, my boy.
+You'll be ruined if anybody steals it."
+
+_Ernest._ "Yes, but the play will be ruined if nobody does."
+
+    _Grumpy_ Mr. CYRIL MAUDE.
+    _Ernest Heron._ Mr. EDWARD COMBEMERE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "GRUMPY."
+(_As it might as well have been._)
+
+ACT I.--THE CRIME.
+
+
+=Scene--_Mr. "Grumpy" Bullivant's_ library. Enter his grand-daughter
+_Virginia_ and _Mrs. Maclaren._=
+
+_Mrs. Maclaren._ What a remarkable man Mr. Jarvis seems to be, dear--so
+amusing at dinner! And he writes for _Tiddly Bits,_ he tells me. Where
+_did_ you meet him?
+
+_Virginia._ Quite accidentally in Hyde Park. He told grandfather a long
+story about a gold brick, and grandfather was so charmed with him he
+asked him down at once for the week-end.
+
+_Mrs. Maclaren._ Such a knowledge of character your grandfather has,
+love.
+
+_Virginia._ Yes, but you must remember he used to be the cleverest
+criminal lawyer of his time. He saw directly that Mr. Jarvis was a nice
+man.
+
+[=Exeunt.=
+
+=Enter _Ernest Heron_ and _"Grumpy"_ by opposite doors.=
+
+_Grumpy_ _(when the audiences delight at seeing _Mr. CYRIL MAUDE_ again
+has at last been got under)._ Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow; tut-tut-tut-tut-tut
+(_and other old-gentleman noises_). Ah, Ernest, my boy, what are you
+doing here?
+
+_Ernest._ Just back from Africa, uncle, with a diamond weighing--I mean
+costing--ninety thousand pounds in my belt, which I'm taking up to the
+firm in London. May I sleep here?
+
+_Grumpy._ Do, my boy. (=Enter _Mr. Jarvis._=) Ah, Mr. Jarvis, let me
+introduce my nephew, Mr. Heron. He's just back from Africa with a----
+(_To himself_) No, perhaps better not. Well, good night to you both.
+Wow-wow-wow, tut-tut-tut-tut.
+
+[=Exit, followed, by _Mr. Jarvis._=
+
+=_Ernest_ is left alone with his diamond. Seeing a suspicious shadow at
+the window he rushes to it and leans out, so as to give anybody a chance
+of sand-bagging him. The chance going begging, he takes his diamond from
+his belt to see if it is still there. The only other precaution he can
+think of is to draw the curtains. At this moment a hand steals through
+the door and turns out the lights. A terrible struggle in the dark
+ensues; there is a noise of somebody's larynx going; and then the
+curtain goes down and up ... to disclose, the body of poor _Ernest_ on
+the floor. Is he dead? Certainly not; he's got to marry _Virginia_; but
+the diamond is gone.=
+
+Act II.--THE SLEUTH-HOUND.
+
+
+=Time--Next morning.=
+
+_Grumpy._ Tut-tut. Is everything just as it was last night? Very well,
+then. You say that when you discovered Mr. Ernest he was lying on his
+back, and in his right hand he was clutching this--what did you call it?
+
+_Ruddock (the valet)._ A dicky, Sir. A detachable shirt-front.
+
+_Grumpy._ Excellent. Then the first question is--to whom did
+this--er--richard belong?
+
+_Ruddock._ Yes, Sir.
+
+_Grumpy (musing)._ Could it have been his own? In the fierceness of the
+struggle might he have torn it off in order to give himself greater
+freedom? Was he offering it to his assailant as a bribe? Was he--but
+first we must find if he was wearing one at all. Call Susan.
+
+=Enter _Susan,_ the lady's-maid.=
+
+_Grumpy._ Susan, you were the first to see Mr. Ernest when he came in
+last night. Did you happen to notice if he was wearing a detachable
+shirt-front, a--h'm--dicky?
+
+_Susan._ Yes, Sir.
+
+_Grumpy._ Ah! (=He hands her the all-important clue.=) Was this it?
+
+_Susan (=examining it=)._ No, Sir.
+
+_Grumpy._ Tut-tut, are you sure?
+
+_Susan._ Yes, Sir; Mr. Ernest's was an india-rubber one. I know, because
+he said he'd been travelling all day, and he asked me to sponge it for
+him.
+
+_Grumpy._ Thank you, Susan. Ruddock, we must find that india-rubber
+richard. If Ernest has his assailant's shirt-front, what more likely
+than that his assailant has Ernest's? Probably they exchanged them
+before the battle, as, you may remember, Glaucus and Diomed did at the
+siege of Troy.
+
+_Ruddock._ Yes, Sir.
+
+_Grumpy._ Every shirt-front we see we must suspect. Let us go and look
+for some. [=Exeunt.=
+
+=Enter _Jarvis_ and _Virginia._=
+
+_Virginia._ Still in evening dress, Mr. Jarvis?
+
+_Jarvis._ Yes, I was so busy fetching the doctor last night that I had
+no time to change. I am going back to London now. (=Tenderly=) I should
+like to think you had some little memento of me. (=He removes his shirt
+front.=) Keep this and think of me sometimes when you look at it.
+
+_Virginia._ Oh, Mr. Jarvis! But I must give _you_ something too. (=She
+goes out and returns with one of her grandfather's shirt-fronts.=) Wear
+this in place of the one you have given me--always. [=Exit.=
+
+=Re-enter _Grumpy._=
+
+_Grumpy._ Now, Mr. Jarvis, I wonder if you would help me. You were the
+first to find the body last night. Would you mind lying down in the
+position in which it lay? It may give me an important clue.
+
+_Jarvis._ Certainly. (=He prepares to lie down.=)
+
+_Grumpy._ Take care, you mustn't crumple your shirt-front. Perhaps it
+removes? Ah, allow me. (=He detaches it and hastily substitutes the
+other one for it.=) Ah, thank you so much. Here is your shirt-front
+again.
+
+[=Exit _Jarvis._=
+
+_Ruddock (=eagerly=)._ Is that it, Sir?
+
+_Grumpy_ (=examining Jarvis's shirt-front carefully=). No, linen,
+confound it. Ruddock, we _must_ find that india-rubber richard. Who has
+it? Ah!
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+ACT III.--TRAPPED.
+
+
+=Scene--_Jarvis's_ rooms in London.=
+
+_Keble (his man)._ Terrible thing that assault on Mr. Heron, Sir.
+
+_Jarvis._ Yes, terrible.
+
+_Keble._ I hope they don't suspect me of it, Sir.
+
+_Jarvis._ Why on earth should they suspect _you_?
+
+_Keble._ Well, I was known to be jealous of Mr. Heron, Sir. I found
+Susan sponging his shirt-front, and Susan and I are as good as engaged.
+_Jarvis (=mildly interested=)._ How _can_ you sponge a shirt-front?
+
+_Keble._ It was an india-rubber one, Sir; they sponge off quite clean,
+and save the laundry bill, Sir. My----
+
+_Jarvis._ Good Heavens, I'm ruined!
+
+=Enter _Isaac Wolfe,_ his partner. Exit _Keble._=
+
+_Wolfe._ Got the diamond, my boy?
+
+_Jarvis (moodily)._ Yes ... I'm done for; I must leave the country.
+
+_Wolfe._ What d'you mean? You've got the diamond?
+
+_Jarvis (rapidly)._ I throttled him in the dark and got the diamond. My
+shirt-front fell off in the struggle. I noticed one on the floor and
+picked it up. I thought it was mine. It was his; his had fallen off too;
+and he was found with mine in his hand.
+
+_Wolfe._ Well, why did you leave it there?
+
+_Jarvis._ I thought it was his own--and that, anyhow, as long as we each
+had one, no one would notice. But his was an india-rubber one!
+
+_Wolfe._ And that's the one you've got now? Well, burn it.
+
+_Jarvis (=burying his face in his hands=)._ It isn't! I cannot! I gave it
+to Miss Bullivant. (=Grimly=) But I shall get it back again.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+ACT IV.--THE SLEUTH-HOUND'S TRIUMPH.
+
+
+=The Library again.=
+
+_Grumpy._ Well, Virginia, and how's Ernest? Better, hey! He ought----
+Good heavens, child, what's that you've got in your hand?
+
+_Virginia._ Just a dicky, grandfather.
+
+_Grumpy (excitedly)._ Let me look ... Virginia, it's an india-rubber
+one! (_Sternly_) Where did you get this?
+
+_Virginia._ Mr. Jarvis gave it to me.
+
+_Grumpy._ Mr. Jarvis! Aha! (=He hides behind the sofa.=)
+
+=Enter _Mr. Jarvis._=
+
+_Jarvis (-to _Virginia_=)._ I'm afraid my conduct must seem very strange,
+but I had to come back to see you. I--er--lost the shirt-front you gave
+me. Could you let me have my own back again? You see, I'm going abroad
+and I must have _one._
+
+_Grumpy (=popping his head up=)._ Ah, Mr. Jarvis, did I hear you asking
+for a shirt-front? Allow me to offer you one--an india-rubber one, Mr.
+Jarvis! (=_Jarvis blenches._=) And the price, Mr. Jarvis, is the diamond
+in your waistcoat-pocket!
+
+CURTAIN--=except that _Ernest_ gets engaged to _Virginia_ first.=
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Postscript._--On reading this through I feel that it hardly does
+justice to the clever acting of Mr. MAUDE as an always delightful old
+gentleman, the excellent support given him by the rest of the company,
+and the pleasantly exciting melodrama provided for them by Messrs.
+HORACE HODGES and T. W. PERCYVAL. To all of them my thanks for an
+entertaining evening.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Pat (having hung up an ostrich's egg on the hen-house
+door)._ "There, ye deginerate little spalpeens, look at that and thry
+what ye can do!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter to _The Scotsman_:--
+
+    "It goes without saying that when recognising a friend in the
+    street one raises one's hat by the hand removed from that friend."
+
+Of course. But it is proper to return the hand immediately after the
+little ceremony with a few words of thanks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "For the latter an excuse must be offered in that he was badly hit
+    on the left hip by the previous ball--a yorker--to that which
+    bowled him."--_Evening News._
+
+In the over before he had been stunned by a sneak.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Yorkshire Daily Observer_ on the income tax:--
+
+    "A Bradford widow has been left with five children under 15 years
+    of age. Her income is L300 a ear."
+
+Or L3,600 in all. We refuse to be moved by her hard case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miscellaneous Volumes. 10s. per cwt. (No theology.)
+
+    Theology. 5s. 6d. per cwt."--_Catalogue._
+
+Money being tight, we are ordering 8 stone 7 lbs. of theology for the
+drawing-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Government has introduced another Bill to regulate the sale of
+    milk and the inspection of dairies. This disgracefully dilutory
+    Parliament of ours has been playing with similar Bills for five
+    years."--_Daily Herald._
+
+The dilutory milkman is really more to blame.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDIATION.
+
+
+[SCENE--_A room at Niagara Falls. The Argentine, the Brazilian and the
+Chilian mediators are mediating; that is to say, they are sitting on
+rocking chairs not very close to a large table covered with papers,
+pens, ink, etc. A deep noise of falling water pervades the air. Out of
+compliment to Canada the conversation is carried on in English._]
+
+_Argentine Mediator._ Cold, isn't it?
+
+_Brazilian Mediator._ Yes, there's a great deal of cold in the
+atmosphere.
+
+_Chilian Mediator._ We often get it colder than this in Chili.
+
+(_A pause._)
+
+_A. M._ There's a lot of water coming down.
+
+_B. M._ Yes, and it keeps coming, too, doesn't it?
+
+_C. M._ It isn't as noisy as I thought it would be, though.
+
+_A. M._ Oh, I don't know. It's quite noisy enough.
+
+_B. M._ Yes, it's very difficult to concentrate one's mind. We've got a
+waterfall in Brazil which has the same effect. You can't do any work
+near it. People go there for a rest-cure.
+
+_C. M._ There are a good many waterfalls in Chili, too, and they make
+more noise than this one.
+
+(_A pause._)
+
+_A. M._ How long do you think we shall be here?
+
+_B. M._ A week, or a month, or a year--I don't know.
+
+_C. M._ It's a dull place, isn't it?
+
+_A. M._ Yes, it is, dull as ditchwater.
+
+_B. M._ Dull as a ditchwaterfall. Ha, ha.
+
+_C. M. and A. M. (together)._ Ha, ha. That's capital.
+
+_B. M._ You fellows must remind me to telegraph that home to Brazil.
+
+_A. M._ By the way, I see ROOSEVELT has been in Brazil.
+
+_B. M._ Yes; isn't it awful?
+
+_G. M._ Discovered a river, hasn't he?
+
+_B. M._ Something of that sort. He'll discover the world next.
+
+_A. M._ Anyhow, I'm glad he's not here.
+
+_B. M._ By Jove, yes. Wouldn't it be dreadful if he were?
+
+_C. M._ Don't. You make my flesh creep.
+
+_B. M._ After all, I'm not sure he's worse than WILSON. They're all
+alike, these Yankees. I've no use for them and their MONROE Doctrine;
+have you?
+
+_A. M._ Not the slightest. If they think we're children they'll soon
+find out their mistake.
+
+_C. M._ Hear, hear!
+
+(_A pause._)
+
+_A. M._ Anything new from Mexico?
+
+_B. M._ No. Same old game.
+
+_C. M._ What's HUERTA up to?
+
+_B. M._ Sitting tight.
+
+_A. M._ And what's VILLA doing?
+
+_B. M._ Oh, he's been capturing Tampico a good deal lately.
+
+_C. M._ Isn't a fellow called ZAPATA chipping in somewhere?
+
+_B. M._ Yes, he's having a go too.
+
+(_A pause._)
+
+_A. M._ I say, you men, I've got an idea.
+
+_B. M._ Out with it, then.
+
+_C. M._ Yes, let's have it.
+
+_A. M._ Well, then, suppose we start by saying that HUERTA and WILSON
+must _both_ be eliminated. That'll please both sides. HUERTA will be
+tickled to death if WILSON has to go, and WILSON will be delighted at
+our backing up his policy. What do you think?
+
+_B. M._ I can't think at all in this noise.
+
+_C. M._ Nor can I, but I daresay it's all right.
+
+_A. M._ I'm glad you like the idea. It's fair to both sides, you see.
+That's what mediation's for.
+
+(_Left mediating._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  THE BATH UNREST.
+
+
+    My bath awaits me! It contains to-night,
+      Besides the customary water--stay:
+      Before I name ingredients, let me say
+    Exactly who and what I am who write.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) I am known to fame,
+      First, as a rising music-hall artiste;
+      But, secondly and chiefly, I'm the beast
+    Who Puts Things in his Bath. You've met my name.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) People come, you see,
+      With sample packets of the Lord knows what,
+      And want me to "endorse" the silly rot.
+    Well, I "endorse"; receiving L. _s._ _d._
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) But I specialise
+      In baths. I will not "like it in my soup,"
+      Nor "take five drops before I loop the loop";
+    Nor will I "find it helps to keep off flies."
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) Am I over-nice?
+      I cannot "thank you for the lovely sox,"
+      Nor shall "my children quarrel for the box."
+    I Put It In My Bath. Let that suffice.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) Now, to take the list:
+      Mustard, by thirteen makers; salt, by six;
+      Saponica; Shampoona; Sozothrix;
+    Eau-de-Cologne (nine samples); Bathex; Vrist.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) These and more than these
+      (I drop the catalogue) in pungent strife,
+      Stench hard at grips with stench for loathly life,
+    Yon seething cauldron holds. Excuse a sneeze.
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) Why the cauldron? Why
+      Not desecrate the dustbin? Here's the rub:
+      All the endorsements specify my tub;
+    The dustbin is not mentioned. Can I lie?
+
+    (My bath awaits me!) So I made a vow,
+      Soon as the groaning shelf could bear no more,
+      In one doomed bath to mix 'em. What I swore
+    I've done. The night of reckoning is now.
+
+    My bath awaits me! True. But then I said
+      Not "use" but "put." Why have my beastly bath?
+      Bed, too, awaits me; be the bedward path
+    My choice. I do not Put Things in my Bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The following are good dishes for a small luncheon, not a complete
+    menu, but suggestions for filling one out with those light and
+    tempting dishes which the jaded modern palate so greatly prefers to
+    the solid English cookery of our forefathers."--_Truth._
+
+That is all very well, but if one really wants filling out these little
+kickshaws are no good; roast beef and Yorkshire pudding is the thing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Folds of net and thick white face lighten the effect of the
+    corsage."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+The writer seems keen, but we are not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE SCRUTINEER.
+
+_Eliza Jane._ "'Ere, that last one didn't seem like a full sack to me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+
+Not the least attractive feature in Madame WADDINGTON'S new book, _My
+First Years as a Frenchwoman_ (SMITH, ELDER), is the revelation,
+undesignedly made, of a keen-sighted, vivacious, exceedingly womanly
+woman. During her residence in France as the wife of a highly placed
+Minister she had rare opportunity of watching the progress of historic
+events from a favoured standpoint behind the scenes. When she married M.
+WADDINGTON, in later years known to this country as French Ambassador,
+the National Assembly was sitting at Versailles. THIERS, first President
+of the Republic, had been overthrown and MACMAHON reigned in his stead.
+Madame WADDINGTON was brought into personal touch with these statesmen,
+with their successors, JULES GREVY, DE FREYCINET, CARNOT and with their
+varied _entourage._ Of each she has something shrewd, sprightly and
+informing to say. While immersed in international politics, perhaps not
+wholly free from anxious conviction that she was in some measure
+responsible for their direction, she had a seeing eye for frocks.
+Frequently, when describing social gatherings at the height of political
+crises, she stops to tell you how some lady was dressed and how the
+apparel suited her. Amongst other men of the epoch she has something to
+say about BLOWITZ, the famous Paris correspondent of _The Times._ It is
+evident that, without premeditation, he managed to offend the lady. She
+reports how Prince HOHENLOHE expressed a high opinion of the journalist,
+remarking, "He is marvellously well-informed of all that is going on."
+"It was curious," writes Madame, "how a keen clever man like the Prince
+attached so much importance to anything Blowitz said." For the
+side-lights which it flashes on high life in Paris at a critical period
+of the Republic the volume possesses exceptional value.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The subtleties of human motives, the fine problems of temperament, the
+delicate interplay of masculine logic and feminine intuition, what are
+these compared to blood, thunder, plots, counter-plots, earthquakes and,
+from the final chaos, the salvage of the "sweetest woman on earth"
+effected in the nick of time by a herculean and always imperturbable
+hero? Mr. FRANK SAVILE is not out to analyse souls. The opening chapter
+of _The Red Wall_ (NELSON) plunges us into a fray, irrelevant to the
+narrative save in so far as it introduces _Dick Blake_ and _Eileen
+O'Creagh_ and removes any possible doubt that might ever have been felt
+as to their respective merits and their mutual suitability. That
+preliminary complete, we proceed to the real business of the agenda, and
+momentous, passionate, nefarious, diabolical, mysterious and incessantly
+exciting business it is, covering the gamut of private emotions and
+international complications. In such narratives I demand three things:
+the first, that my author should combine a graphic (and grammatical)
+style with the professional knack of imparting an air of probability to
+his tale; the second, that things should go all wrong in the beginning
+and come all right in the end; the third, that if any German schemers
+are involved these should be eventually outwitted. Mr. SAVILE has
+abundantly satisfied me in all particulars; although I incline to carp
+at the opportuneness with which nature is made to erupt from time to
+time, and I venture to suggest that men and women never were and are
+probably never going to be like _Dick_ and _Eileen._ The book is,
+however, of the sort which is to be read and enjoyed but not considered
+further.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Joe Quinney,_ the curiosity shop man in Mr. HORACE ANNESLEY VACHELL'S
+_Quinneys'_ (MURRAY), is undoubtedly a "card," not unrelated, I should
+say, to Mr. BENNETT'S _Machen._ He is an entertaining fellow with his
+enthusiasms, his truculences, his fluctuating standards of honesty. Mr.
+VACHELL didn't quite get me to believe in _Joe's_ expert knowledge,
+which indeed seemed to be turned on and off in rather an arbitrary way
+as the exigencies of the story rather than the development and
+experience of the character dictated; but he did make me see and like
+the fellow. _Mrs. Quinney,_ that faithful timid soul, is admirably
+drawn, both in her courtship and her matronly days. But I found
+_Quinney_ a little hypocritical in his denunciation of _Miggott_, the
+chair-faker, who was not really sailing half so close to the wind or so
+profitably as _Quinney_ and his bibulous friend of a dealer, _Tamlin._
+There are some interesting side-lights upon the astonishing tricks of
+the furniture trade, which are reflected by the authentic experience of
+the bitten wise. An entertaining and clever book; but why, why should H.
+A. V. drop from his Hill into the discreditable fellowship of those who
+have misquoted "honoured in the breach"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Anybody can understand how extremely annoying and inconvenient the
+complete disappearance of a husband would be to a wife after a mere
+fortnight or so of married existence, before he had even begun to
+complain of the--well, anyhow that is what happens in Mrs. BELLOC
+LOWNDES'S latest novel, _The End of Her Honeymoon_ (METHUEN). The
+_Dampiers_ arrive in Paris, a Paris _en fete_ and crowded beyond all
+custom because of the state visit of the TSAR, and are obliged to occupy
+rooms on different floors of the _Poulains'_ hotel. Next morning _Mrs.
+Dampier_ awakes to find herself in the awkward predicament of Ariadne on
+the beach of Naxos, with the aggravation (spared to Theseus' bride) that
+the hotel people absolutely deny that she came with a husband at all. A
+punctilious if sceptical American senator (refreshingly guiltless of
+accent) and his enthusiastic son and daughter take pity on her, and the
+rest of the book resolves itself into a detective story, saved from
+conventionality by the pleasantly distinguished style in which the
+author writes and the intimate knowledge which she appears to possess of
+the Paris _prefecture de police._ _Gerald Burton,_ the young American,
+not entirely platonic in his solicitude, is baffled; _Salgas_, a famous
+enquiry agent, is baffled; and I am ready to take very long odds against
+the reader's unravelling the mystery, unless he happens to be familiar
+with a certain legend of the plague (though no plague comes in here).
+Indeed, it is only a chance conversation in the last chapter that throws
+light, my dear Watson, on this particularly _bizarre_ affair. And what
+then, you ask, had happened to _Jack Dampier_ after all? Ah!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wonder why it is that so many books about walking tours should be
+written in much the same style. At least I don't really wonder at all,
+since it is quite apparent that R. L. S. and _Modestine_ are the models
+responsible for this state of things. And, since the style in itself is
+pleasant enough, I don't know that any one need complain. What put me
+upon this reflection was _Vagabonds in Perigord_ (CONSTABLE), which, for
+the modulation of its prose, might almost have been an unacknowledged
+work of the Master, but is actually written by Mr. H. H. BASHFORD. It
+concerns the wanderings on foot of certain pleasure pilgrims along the
+course of the river Dordogne; and is, for those that like such things,
+one of the most attractive volumes I have met this great while. I liked
+especially the author's happy gift of filling his pages with a holiday
+atmosphere; there is, indeed, so much fresh air and sunshine in them
+that the sympathetic reader will emerge feeling mentally bronzed. Nor
+does Mr. BASHFORD lack an agreeable humour of phrase. "Those wonderful
+three-franc dinners that seem to fall like manna upon France at seven
+o'clock every evening" is an example that lingers in my memory.
+Moreover, running through the whole is a hidden joke, and very cunningly
+hidden too, only to be revealed in the last paragraphs. Not for worlds
+would I reveal it here; I content myself with admitting that I for one
+was entirely fooled. I am less sure whether as a record of travel the
+book tempts to emulation. The drawbacks are perhaps too vividly rendered
+for this--heat and thirst through the flaming June days, and by night
+not wholly unbroken repose. But I am delighted to read about it all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRAM STOKER, whose too early cutting off saddened a wide circle of
+friends, was the Fat Boy of modern writers of fiction. He knew how to
+provide opportunity in fullest measure for making your flesh creep. A
+series of stories named after the first, _Dracula's Guest_ (ROUTLEDGE),
+is a marvellous collection of weird fancies wrought with ingenuity,
+related with graphic power, that come as near EDGAR ALLAN POE as
+anything I am acquainted with. There are nine, widely varying in subject
+and plot. I have read them all, and am not ashamed to confess that,
+finishing one before commencing another of the fascinating series, I
+found it convenient and agreeable to turn aside for a while and glance
+over less exciting pages. Not the least marvellous thing about the
+banquet is that it is provided at the modest charge of a shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: (_A nervous individual, having been advised by a
+specialist that he must undergo an operation, calls upon his own doctor
+to ask him to administer the anaesthetic._)
+
+_The Doctor (a conscientious practitioner)._ "Well! I will administer
+the anaesthetic, but--you know, I never like doing it. _The jury are
+always down on the anaesthetist._"
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, MAY 20, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 24720.txt or 24720.zip *******
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