diff options
Diffstat (limited to '23760-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-8.txt | 2226 |
1 files changed, 2226 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/23760-8.txt b/23760-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c2cb35 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2226 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +February 25, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 25, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 7, 2007 [EBook #23760] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +*** Transcriber's Note: Typo "Professsor" changed to "Professor" in the +last paragraph of the last page. The symbol + was used to bracket where +text appeared upside down in the original. *** + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + + +FEBRUARY 25, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +THE GERMAN CROWN PRINCE has the mumps. It seems that his Imperial Father +was not consulted in the matter beforehand, and further domestic +differences are anticipated. + + * * * + +KING SISOVATH of Cambodia, we learn from _Le Petit Journal_, was so pleased +with a white elephant sent him by the Governor-General of French Indo-China +that he has raised the animal--a fine female--to the dignity of a Princess. +The news soon got about, and considerable jealousy is felt at our Zoo, +where there is not so much as even a baronet among the inmates. + + * * * + +General VON PLETTENBURGH, commanding the Prussian Guards Corps, has issued +a decree against the wearing of the so-called "tooth-brush" moustache, +pointing out that such an appendage is unsuitable for a Prussian soldier +and "not consonant with the German national character." The implication is +very unpleasant. + + * * * + +"It is generally reported," says a contemporary, "that Sir EDWARD GREY +speaks no German, and French very badly. M. VENIZELOS, the Greek Prime +Minister, declared that he had the greatest difficulty in understanding Sir +EDWARD'S French." As a matter of fact a little bird tells us that on this +occasion our Foreign Secretary was speaking Greek. + + * * * + +"Mr. Asquith," said _The Times_, "in a massage to the Liberal candidate for +South Bucks, emphasizes the prime importance of the Irish issue." There is, +of course, nothing like massage for rubbing things in. + + * * * + +Herr BALLIN, head of the Hamburg-American Line, and Herr HEINEKEN, head of +the rival North-German Lloyd Company, came to London last week, and are +said to have concluded peace in the Atlantic rate war. We understand that +the arrangement is to be known as the Pool of London. + + * * * + +The authorities at Barotse, _The Globe_ tells us, have put a price on the +heads of all lions there. One can picture the mean sportsman, with a pair +of field-glasses, picking out the cheapest before firing. + + * * * + + "61,000 TERRITORIALS SHORT." + + _Daily Mail._ + +Still, it is pretty generally recognised now that a small man may make +every bit as good a soldier as a big one, and, besides, there is always +less of him to hit. + + * * * + +Among the temporary teachers appointed to carry on schools in Herefordshire +during the teachers' strike was an asylum attendant. This confirms the +report that many of the children were mad at finding that the schools did +not close in consequence of the strike. + + * * * + +It is denied that the name of the Philharmonic Hall, where Mr. PONTING'S +moving pictures of the Antarctic Expedition are being shown, is to be +changed to the Philmharmonic Hall. + + * * * + +RICHARD STRAUSS'S new work, dealing with the story, of JOSEPH and +POTIPHAR'S wife, is to be produced shortly in Paris. A musical play version +of it, entitled "After the Man," may be looked for here. + + * * * + +From Rome comes the news that a young man who was being examined in a +hospital there has been found to have two separate stomachs. This +announcement that the ideal man has at last been evolved has caused the +greatest excitement here in Corporation circles. + + * * * + + "LYCEUM CLUB. + 100 YEARS OF PEACE." + + _Daily Telegraph._ + +Surely a record for a lady's club? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CLOSE OF THE COURSING SEASON.] + + * * * * * + + "CHANGE OF NAME. + FROM + JACOB GALBA IWUSHUKU-BRIGHT + TO + GALBA IWUCHUKU OLUKOTUN." + + _Sierra Leone Weekly News._ + +We notice no improvement. + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + +Notice in a shop window at Reading: + + "TRY ----'S SAUSAGES: NONE LIKE 'EM." + + * * * * * + +CIVIL WAR ESTIMATES. + +(_A Ministerial Apology._) + + Your talk is vanity, you who lightly vouch + That we, indifferent to the country's call, shun + A crisis under which the People crouch + Like DAMOCLES beneath the pendent falchion; + That from our minds, incredibly deluded, + Ulster is still excluded. + + It is not so. All day (between our meals) + We find this topic really most attractive; + In watches of the night it often steals + Into our waking dreams, and keeps us active, + Like sportsmen whom the rude mosquito chases, + Trying to save our faces. + + But we have other tasks, and "Duty First" + Must be our cry before we yield to Pleasure; + Our Annual Estimates must be rehearsed + Ere more alluring themes engage our leisure; + The Budget's claims are urgent; Ulster's fate + Can obviously wait. + + Besides, no Government should go to war + Without the wherewithal to pay for forage, + For ammunition and a Flying Corps + And cannéd meats to stimulate the courage; + And this applies, as far as we can tell, + To civil wars as well. + + For, though our foes confine us to a sphere + Of relatively narrow operations, + We are advised that they may cost us dear, + And therefore, in our coming calculations, + As Trustees of the Race we dare not miss + To estimate for this. + + Hence these delays--all carefully thought out. + But when from hibernation we emerge on + The vernal prime and things begin to sprout, + Our Ulster policy shall also burgeon; + With sap of April coursing through our blood + We too shall burst in bud. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT RESIGNER. + +(_A Forecast._) + +_March, 1914._ + + Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN describes Mr. JOHN REDMOND as "brother to the + middle-aged sea-serpent from the County Clare." + + Mr. JOHN REDMOND denies that he is a sea-serpent. + + Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, having denounced this denial as "the last effort + of a defeated dastard," resigns his seat for Cork City. + + Mr. O'BRIEN is re-elected without a contest. + +_April, 1914._ + + Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN in an impassioned speech advocates conciliation + all round in Ireland, and refers to Mr. JOHN REDMOND as "a moth-eaten, + moss-gathering malingerer of unparalleled ferocity." + + Mr. REDMOND is seen to smile. + + Mr. O'BRIEN, declaring that he has never been so much insulted in his + life, resigns his seat for Cork City. + + Mr. O'BRIEN is re-elected without a contest. + +_May, 1914._ + + An Alderman of Cork fails to take off his hat to Mr. O'BRIEN. + + Mr. O'BRIEN summons a meeting of his supporters and, in a five-hours' + speech, states that, in spite of the unexampled infamy of Mr. REDMOND, + he will never abandon his efforts for Irish unity. + + Mr. REDMOND says nothing. + + Mr. O'BRIEN states that "the truckling truculence of a mock-modest + monster of meretricious mendacity cannot be allowed to prevail against + a policy of sober and sympathetic silence." + + Mr. REDMOND having abstained from a reply, Mr. O'BRIEN resigns his + seat for Cork City and is shortly afterwards re-elected without a + contest. + +_June, 1914._ + + Mr. ASQUITH, in moving the Second Reading of the Home Rule Bill, does + not mention Mr. O'BRIEN, who swoons in his place and is carried + speechless from the House of Commons. + + On the following day Mr. O'BRIEN issues to the world a manifesto of + 60,000 words, in which he describes Mr. REDMOND as "a palsied purveyor + of pledge-breaking platitudes," and announces that the Irish question + can be settled only by the good will of men of all parties. + + Mr. REDMOND takes no notice. + + Mr. O'BRIEN declares that he can no longer pursue a policy of + conciliation and mildness, and resigns his seat for Cork City as a + protest against the "frenzied flaunting of flattery and folly" in + which, he says, Mr. REDMOND spends his time. + + Mr. O'BRIEN, having been re-elected without a contest, immediately + re-resigns twelve times in advance. + + * * * * * + +CINEMA NEWS. + +Final preparations have now been made to film Mr. THORNTON'S first day as +General Manager of the Great Eastern Railway. By kind permission of Lord +CLAUD HAMILTON representatives of all the other railway companies are to be +present to take notes, like the foreign military attachés in a war. A good +"movie" should result. + + * * * * * + +Another film which should provide entertainment and instruction in the +highest degree is the "Day in the Life of Mr. C. K. SHORTER" which is now +being arranged for. The great critic will be followed hour by hour with +faithful persistence. He will be seen editing _The Sphere_ with one hand +and putting all the writing fellows in their place with the other. He will +be seen in that wonderful library of his which covers two acres in St. +John's Wood, reading, annotating and correcting; he will be seen at lunch +at his club with other intellectual kings, his intimate friends; shaking +hands with Mr. HARDY; entering a taxi; leaving a taxi and paying the fare; +dining with Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; attending a first night and applauding +only when applause is merited; and finally returning home to read more +books. In all, about fourteen miles. + + * * * * * + +It will be regretfully learned by the great public, always ready for new +thrillers, that all efforts to induce Mr. BALFOUR to part with the cinema +rights of his Gifford lectures have failed. + + * * * * * + + "In consequence of the farm labourers and carters employed on various + farms in the parish and village of Chitterne having come out on + strike, work of all kinds, with the exception of lambing, is at a + complete standstill."--_Bath and Wilts Chronicle._ + +These black-leg ewes! + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Kipling, who met with a warm deception."--_Daily Graphic._ + +Not a bit of it. Everyone was frankly delighted to see and hear him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THRONE PERILOUS. + +AUSTRIA AND ITALY (_to the new Ruler of Albania_). "BE SEATED, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to her boy, who has just struck his little sister +with his Teddy bear_). "WHY DID YOU HIT YOUR SISTER IN THE FACE, JOHN?" + +_John._ "'COS IT WAS THE ONLY PART OF HER I COULD SEE."] + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL DIAGNOSIS. + +DR. JAMES CANTLIE has reported that "the placing of a tuning-fork; against +the body of a patient enables him to gauge the limits of the liver with +almost hair-breadth precision." He believes that musical diagnosis will +prove reliable in the case of broken bones, and asserts that already it has +been proved that a fatty liver gives out tones distinct from a cirrhosed +liver. + +A superb performance of Herr RICHARD STRAUSS'S "German Measles Concerto" +was given last night by the Queen's Hall orchestra. The tempo was +throughout wonderfully high. The three fine solo passages for the left +kidney were finely rendered; while the exquisite _diminuendo_ to +convalescence with which the work concludes greatly impressed a neurotic +audience. + +The tuning-fork test has proved that several of the most popular of recent +rag-time tunes were originally scored by the brain of a patient who had met +with a severe concussion while attempting to escape over the high wall of +an Asylum for Incurable Idiots. + +An interesting incident is reported in the Medical press from a well-known +Nursing Home. It appears that one of the female attendants, on applying the +tuning-fork to what was alleged to be the broken heart of a patient, was +astonished to obtain as response the first five bars of "You Made Me Love +You." The case has, we learn, been since discharged cured. + + * * * * * + +NUPTIAL NOVELTIES. + + ["Two prominent members of the Herne Bay Angling Association were + married on Saturday afternoon at St. Martin's Church, Herne Bay. + + An interesting feature of the wedding was the assembly of members of + the association, who lined the pathway to the church door and formed + an archway of fishing-rods, to which silver horseshoes had been + attached. + + The bridegroom's father is not only president of the angling + association, but captain of the Herne Bay Fire Brigade, members of + which formed a guard of honour with crossed hatchets."--_Daily + Chronicle._] + +The nuptials of Mr. Desmond Waddilove and Miss Esther Priddie, whose +parents are prominently implicated in the milk trade, were marked by +several interesting and appropriate spectacular incidents. A specially +attractive feature was the progress of the wedding procession between a +double row of milk-cans. Later on the bride and bridegroom left for Cowes +(I.W.) amid a volley of pats of butter deftly hurled by the officials of +the Sursum Corda Dairy Company, Ltd. + +Last Saturday the wedding of Mr. Nestor Young and Miss Leonora Dargle was +celebrated with great _éclat_ at St. Mark's, Datchet. Out of respect for +the calling of the bride's father all the wedding party proceeded to the +sacred edifice in bath-chairs, which imparted to the ceremony an air of +solemnity too often neglected at up-to-date weddings. The bridegroom's +father being a leading pork-butcher, imitation sausages formed part of the +trimmings of the bride's going-away dress. + +Mr. Donald MacLurkin, the golf professional of the Culbin Sands Golf Club, +was married last Friday at Lossiemouth to Miss Janet Sutor, of Cromarty. A +charming effect was produced by a guard of honour, composed of members of +the golf club, holding aloft crossed brassies, beneath which the happy pair +passed into the church, while the caddies clashed niblicks and other iron +clubs. The bride wore a cream silk bogey skirt, slightly caught up so as to +show the pink dots of the stymied underskirt, and a simple Dunlop V +corsage. A dainty little pot-bunker hat completed a costume as novel as it +was natty. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYALISTS. + +Eight of us travel up to town every morning by the Great Suburban Railway. +I have no politics. Gibbs is a Unionist Free Trader. Three of the others +are Radicals and three Unionists. On one side of the compartment are ranged +_The Daily Mail_, _The Daily Express_ and _The Daily Telegraph_. Boldly +confronting them are two _Daily Chronicles_ and a _Daily News_. Gibbs +contents himself with a _Daily Graphic_, while I choose every day the paper +with the least sensational placard. + +You can imagine what the journeys are like. Filmer will put down his _Daily +Express_ and say with feeling, "If I could only get that infernal Welsher +by the throat." Then Rodgers will lay down his _Daily News_ and sneer, +"What has aggravated the toadies of the Dukes to-day?" In a moment the +battle is in full swing. Bennett breaks in with assertions that peace and +unity will never prevail till the Cabinet has been hanged. Chalmers makes a +mild proposal for the imprisonment of the Armament Ring which is gnawing at +the country's vitals. And when there has been a by-election and both sides +claim the moral victory I have no doubt that the men in signal-boxes think +that murder is taking place in our carriage. + +However, one day Filmer made a reference to Marconi speculations which +caused Rodgers to shake the dust from his feet (an easy thing on the Great +Suburban line) and leave the compartment at the next station. Then Chalmers +and Simcox bore down on Filmer with statistics about our booming trade. +When we reached the next station, Filmer darted out of the compartment, +declining to travel any longer with a set of miserable Cobdenite Little +Englanders. I was horrified--not at the absence of Rodgers and Filmer, +which could have been endured--but at the idea that the gaps they left in +the carriage might be tilled up by even worse persons than politicians. +Suppose golfers took their places. On one occasion, when Gibbs had +influenza, an intruder had described to us the fixing of a new carburettor +to his car. + +Then the great idea came to me--the formation of the Society. The next +morning I went up to Filmer and Rodgers as they stood apart from us and +each other on the platform and said, "Come to the others for a moment. They +want to apologise to you." + +They didn't, but sometimes one has to choose between the cause of peace and +that of truth. + +"Gentlemen," I said, "I have noticed this. Nearly all our little +controversies begin in one way. Somebody says, 'I call a spade a spade and +BONAR LAW (or LLOYD GEORGE) a lying, treacherous scoundrel.' I propose that +we form ourselves into the Society for Not Calling a Spade a Spade." + +"What do you propose to call it? 'A Royal'?" This from Gibbs, who is a +master of auction bridge. + +"By all means," I said. "It gives dignity and an enhanced value to a vulgar +agricultural utensil. And the Society can be called 'The Royalists' for +short. Its single rule is to be this, that any member speaking of any +politician of the opposite Party except in terms of eulogy shall be fined +ten shillings and sixpence. The fines to be divided equally between the +Tariff Reform League and the Free Trade Union." + +For a moment there was hesitation. Then the Opposition rejoiced at the idea +of hearing the Radicals praise LAW and LONG, and the Radicals thought it +would be ecstasy to hear panegyrics of LLOYD GEORGE and MASTERMAN from the +Unionists. + +The Society was formed at once and has proved an enormous success. Peace +and goodwill reign amongst us. It is a perpetual delight to see Filmer put +down his _Daily Express_ and with the veins bulging out from his forehead +say, "That accurate and careful financier who has so immeasurably raised +the status of the Chancellorship of the Exchequer"; or to hear Chalmers +remark, "Sad would it be if that most honey-tongued and softhearted of +politicians, dear F. E. SMITH, should have his life ended by a British +bayonet." + +One or two prepare their delicate eulogies beforehand and refer to notes; +but this is thought unfair. The compartment, as a whole, prefers the +impromptu praise that has the air of coming from the heart. + +I am thinking of offering to the House of Commons and the House of Lords +free membership in The Royalists. Perhaps Messrs. LLOYD GEORGE and LEO +MAXSE would consent to act as perpetual Joint Presidents, with Lord HUGH +CECIL and the Rev. Dr. CLIFFORD as Chaplains. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _MacBull._ "I SHALL BE A GAY GRASS WIDOWER FOR THE NEXT TWO +MONTHS--WIFE'S GONE FOR A HOLIDAY TO THE WEST INDIES." + +_O'Bear._ "JAMAICA?" + +_MacBull._ "NO, IT WAS HER OWN IDEA."] + + * * * * * + + "He is only a tame duck who with sheepish timidity attempts to + controvert the determination of a body of frontiersmen from their + purpose by firing at them with a water squirt." + + _Bulawayo Chronicle._ + +It sounds more like a wild duck. + + * * * * * + +From Publishers' Announcements:-- + + "'BORROWED THOUGHTS.' + + (A Handbook for Lent, with an Introduction by a popular Bishop.) Limp, + 9d." + + * * * * * + + "Lot 3. Extra Dry, Cuvée Beservée, 60/-. A really excellent pure Wine, + which we bought lying abroad." + +We trust they won't sell it lying at home. + + * * * * * + + "Generally crime is normal and no increase in mortality is reported. + Little wandering, emigration, or emaciation is noticed. Cattle are + being sold in large numbers in Hamirpur. Blankets are being + distributed to the poor. + + (_For other Sporting News see page 8_)." + + _Advocate of India._ + +There is nothing narrow about the sporting tastes of our Oriental +contemporary. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Larry._ "TRESHPASSING, IS UT? JUST WAIT TILL WE GIT HOME +RULE. IVERY MAN'LL DO AS HE LIKES THIN--AND THIM'S THAT WON'T'LL BE MADE +TO!"] + + * * * * * + +THE INVADERS. + +From all sides news pours in concerning the rush for American managers of +English concerns. At last the excellence of the American businessman's +habits are being recognised, probably not a little owing to the vogue of +such plays as _Get-rich-quick Wallingford_, _Broadway Jones_ and _The +Fortune Hunters_, wherein we see hustling methods justifying by their +success all the odd measures which led to dollars. That the dominating +business man who thus rises to greatness has to marry a clerk or typist is +perhaps only a detail, but if the plays are to be taken as a guide it is +expected of him. + +The great tailoring house of Tarn, which has just appointed a manager from +Cleveland, Ohio, on the advice of Lord CLAUD HAMILTON, has completely +transformed its cutting department. All jackets are now made to reach to +the knees, with shoulders that project beyond the wearer's body one foot on +each side. The trousers are wide at the knees and tight at the ankles, and +are very effective. Walking-sticks must not be worn with these suits. +Messrs. Tarn hope to bring back the frock coat very shortly, especially for +politicians. + +The American scholar who has just been appointed to the Chair of English +Composition at Oxford has already made some drastic reforms. No longer may +the student write that he has a book "at home"; he must say "to home." The +participle "got" has gone in favour of "gotten"; while the only text-books +in use are of Trans-Atlantic origin. The University has adopted the college +cry of "No, No, No Eng Lish Need, Need, Need Apply!" + +This yell will be used by Oxford partisans at the Inter-University Sports +during the performances of American RHODES Scholars. + +The latest news to reach us as we go to press is that the directors of +various London music halls are thinking seriously whether or not they will +call in American assistance for their revues, either producers, actors or +musicians. But this is an innovating step which will require the deepest +thought. + + * * * * * + +SINGING WATER. + + I heard--'twas on a morning, but when it was and where, + Except that well I heard it, I neither know nor care-- + I heard, and, oh, the sunlight was shining in the blue, + A little water singing as little waters do. + + At Lechlade and at Buscot, where Summer days are long, + The tiny rills and ripples they tremble into song; + And where the silver Windrush brings down her liquid gems, + There's music in the wavelets she tosses to the Thames. + + The eddies have an air too, and brave it is and blithe; + I think I may have heard it that day at Bablockhythe; + And where the Eynsham weir-fall breaks out in rainbow spray + The Evenlode comes singing to join the pretty play. + + But where I heard that music I cannot rightly tell; + I only know I heard it, and that I know full well: + I heard a little water, and, oh, the sky was blue, + A little water singing as little waters do. + + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +AN APOLOGY THAT MADE THINGS WORSE. + +We had a fancy-dress ball on December 30th. They have these things in +nearly all Swiss Hotels and you have to put up with them. As a matter of +fact Matilda and I enjoyed ourselves. We supped well and danced quite +often. At 3.30 A.M. we set out for our rooms. We took a lighted candle with +us to keep us warm as we went. The way to get the most warmth from a candle +is to sit round it. As the corridor was cold, we sat round the candle +outside Miss Wortley's room, but this was quite accidental. + +We didn't know that she had gone to bed at 10.30 P.M. with the primary +object of sleeping and the ulterior motive of getting up the next morning +in time to catch an early train. We weren't to know that she had wasted her +time from 11 P.M. to 3.25 A.M. listening to a procession of revellers +retiring to their rooms. We had no suspicion that she was just dozing off +for the first time when we stopped to warm ourselves. We really made very +little noise, though we may have laughed just a little. The report which +has got about, that I tried to climb up the wall to see the time, is +inaccurate. The clock is not nearly high enough up the wall to render this +necessary, and I didn't care a button what the time was. + +If we had known that the Germans who ought to have been asleep in the room +opposite to Miss Wortley would come out into the corridor and shout in +their nasty guttural language, we should probably not have tried to find +out whether anything was attached to the other end of a piece of tape that +protruded from under their door. It was quite a long piece of tape, and +there was something attached to the end of it, though we never found out +what that something was. Anyway, it was too large to pass under the door, +though we pulled the tape quite hard. We had just given up our +investigation and reached our respective rooms when the German family +arrived in the corridor and commented on the matter. + +I can't see that we were really to blame because Miss Wortley suffered from +insomnia, missed her early train next morning and had to pay an extra half +franc for having breakfast in her bedroom. She was very unpleasant about it +and went round telling everybody that we had kept her awake all night. She +was one of those women who----But there, I don't want to be nasty, and +anyone who reads this will guess the kind of woman she was. + +The next day was New Year's Eve. After dinner we took part in an Ice +Carnival, then we saw the New Year in, and then we drank practically +everybody's health. At 2 A.M. I was sitting in the lounge talking to +Matilda when a kind of peaceful sensation came over me, and I began to be +sorry that there was any bad feeling between Miss Wortley and us; so I said +to Matilda, It's New Year's Day and I should like to start it on friendly +terms with everyone, including Miss Wortley. I think I shall apologise to +her about last night; we may have been a little thoughtless." + +"I don't see what there is to apologise for," said Matilda, "but I suppose +it can't do any harm and it may help to make things pleasant all round. If +you're going to apologise I suppose I ought to do the same." + +"Come on then," I said. + +"Where to?" + +"To apologise." + +"Don't be absurd; we can't apologise now. We'll apologise to-morrow." + +"We might miss her to-morrow, and we ought to do a thing like this without +delay and as early in the New Year as possible. If I don't do it now, I may +not feel apologetic later on, and I don't want to go through the year with +even a tittle of Miss Wortley's insomnia on my conscience." + +Matilda seemed rather uncertain about it, but after a time recognised that +I was right, and we went up to Miss Wortley's room. I had to knock loudly +on her door before I got any answer, but eventually a sleepy voice said, +"Come in." + +I didn't think that we had better do that, so I knocked again. + +"All right, you can bring in the water." + +"It isn't exactly your shaving water--in fact it's hardly time to get up +yet," I shouted. + +"What's the matter? Is the place on fire?" I heard sounds as of a person +getting out of bed, so I said, "You needn't get up, it's only us. We wanted +to apologise about last night. We're sorry you didn't sleep very well. Of +course it wasn't altogether our fault, but still we thought that we should +like to apologise; in fact we didn't feel that we could go to sleep until +we had apologised; and--and we wanted to wish you a Happy New Year." + +I am not sure that I did the thing very well, but I am sure that it would +have sounded better and that I shouldn't have ended so lamely if Matilda +hadn't been so tactless as to laugh in the middle. Somehow I got the idea +that the apology hadn't been accepted in the spirit in which it had been +tendered. Suspicious sounds came from within, including the click of a +water jug; also the German family opposite seemed to be under the +impression that it was time to get up--so we didn't wait to say Good-night, +but slipped quietly out of the way. Miss Wortley's door and the door +opposite opened simultaneously. There were two splashes like water thrown +from jugs, and I fancy that more than one person got wet. It isn't easy to +discover exactly what is happening when two people are shouting at the tops +of their voices in different languages, but I didn't gather that they quite +cleared the matter up to their mutual satisfaction. + + * * * * * + +EVERY AUTHOR'S WIFE. + + ["What is the first step towards literary production? It is + imperative, if you wish to write with any freshness at all, that you + should utterly ruin your digestion."--_H. G. WELLS_.] + + "What have you dined on, husband mine?" + "Chocolate creams and ginger wine." + + "What did you take as an appetiser?" + "Haggis and Sauerkraut à la Kaiser." + + "Didn't they give you any sweet?" + "Hard-boiled eggs and whisky neat." + + "And your fruit, I trust, was over-ripe?" + "Doughnuts five with a pound of tripe." + + "Have you had nothing at all since then?" + "Lobster and stout." "Then here's your pen, + + "You must do a chapter or two to-night; + Have a banana and start to write." + + * * * * * + +New Anglo-German Entente. + + "Young gentlemen wish young English lady to learn know for the common + joint exchange for the language sunday by flying outs Pleasing + writing at the office chiffre J. 810."--_Leipziger Neuste + Nachrichten._ + + * * * * * + + "NOTICE. + + In order to popularise the Corporation Crematorium, at Crematorium + Road, the Corporation have decided as an experimental measure to + abolish the fees now charged for the use of the Crematorium for one + year." + + _Capital_ (_Calcutta_). + +The inducement leaves us cold. + + * * * * * + +The Infant Samson. + + "2s. 6d. REWARD will be paid for name of Small Boy who pushed a Cab + Horse down in the Station Yard, Teigumouth." + + _Express and Echo_ (_Exeter_). + + * * * * * + +More Commercial Candour. + +From a Leeds grocer's circular:-- + + "A perfection of blending is obtained in ---- Tea, which, upon + analysis, is pronounced to be absolutely injurious to health." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HAVE YOU ANY GOLF BALLS GUARANTEED TO GO STRAIGHT?" + +"NOT HERE, MADAM. YOU MIGHT TRY THE CONJURING DEPARTMENT--FIRST FLOOR."] + + * * * * * + +THE IDEAL FILM PLOT. + + [The brisk demand by Cinema companies for new picture-play stories has + led many writers of talent to turn their attention to this fascinating + branch of literature. Unfortunately they often fail not only to + acquire a proper knowledge of the technique of the art, but to take + steps to ascertain what the public really wants. With the object of + helping authors in both directions we publish below a scenario which + has been described by an authority as "the ideal film plot."] + +THE FIREBRAND'S REDEMPTION. + +_Persons_: + +_Ferdinand_, a Cowboy. +_General Devereux._ +_Phyllis Devereux_, his daughter. +_Joe_, a soldier. +_Cowboys_, _miners_, _soldiers_, _Indians_, +_etc._ + + +PART I. + +Ferdinand's _headlong career to the Devil is arrested by the beautiful_ +Phyllis Devereux. + +FIRST SCENE.--A drinking saloon in the Wild West. Cowboys, miners and +Western demi-mondaines playing cards at top speed and drinking heavily. +Enter _Ferdinand_, drunk and carrying a huge revolver in each hand and a +tomahawk between his teeth. He forces the bar-tender to "hands up" and +begins shooting down the bottles ranged along the counter. Enter _Phyllis_. +As soon as _Ferdinand_ sees her he drops the pistols and trembles +violently. _Phyllis_ regards him searchingly and leaves the saloon. +_Ferdinand_ follows unsteadily. Projection on screen:-- + + -------------------------------- + | Gee, boys! Ferd's hit, sure! | + -------------------------------- + +SECOND SCENE.--Outside the saloon. _Phyllis_ is seen entering a sumptuous +motor. _Ferdinand_ falls to his knees, but she disregards him. As the motor +moves away he prepares to strike himself on the back of the neck with his +tomahawk, but when the fatal blow is about to fall _Phyllis_ leans over the +back of the car and blows him a kiss. Enlargement of _Ferdinand's_ face +working with emotion and finally settling into an expression of immense +determination. Projection on screen:-- + + --------------------------------- + | I swear never to drink again! | + --------------------------------- + + +PART II. + +Ferdinand _is called upon to show himself worthy, but the old Adam +conquers_. + +FIRST SCENE.--Outside _General Devereux's_ tent. Soldiers, Staff Officers, +etc. _General_ sits in full uniform at a table. Enter _Joe_, a very fat +soldier. He trips over his rifle, turns a somersault and salutes. The +_General_ points to the left and _Joe_ goes off. Enter _Phyllis_, who talks +and gesticulates with feeling. Projection on screen:-- + + -------------------- + | Pop, I love him! | + -------------------- + +Enter _Ferdinand_. Much talk and discussion. Projection on screen:-- + + ------------------------------------------ + | You must prove yourself worthy of her! | + ------------------------------------------ + +The _General_ points dramatically to the left and writes at great speed. +Projection on screen, in angular/handwriting:-- + + ---------------------------------------- + | Send help at once! We are surrounded | + | and in sore straits!--_Devereux._ | + ---------------------------------------- + +He hands paper to _Ferdinand_. Both point dramatically to the left. +_Phyllis_ leans over her lover's shoulder and reads. All three point +dramatically to the left. + +SECOND SCENE.--A wood. Enter _Joe_, walking cautiously. Suddenly a Red +Indian in full war paint rushes towards him. _Joe_ turns tail and flies. + +THIRD SCENE.--More wood. _Joe_ is seen running at about thirty-five miles +an hour, pursued by seven Indians. + +FOURTH SCENE.--A tract of rocky country. _Joe_ is seen running at about +fifty-two miles an hour, pursued by fifteen Indians. + +FIFTH SCENE.--The bank of a river. _Joe_ is seen running at about +seventy-eight miles an hour, pursued by twenty-three Indians. He trips over +a stone and falls into the water. Enter _Ferdinand_ on horseback. He +dismounts and fires a revolver. Four Indians bite the dust. He fires again. +Four more Indians bite the dust and the rest fly. _Ferdinand_ shades his +right eye, peers into the river, dives in and presently reappears with +_Joe_. The latter feels anxiously in his pockets and produces a flask. He +hands it to _Ferdinand_, who drinks. Enlargement of _Ferdinand_ drinking. + + +PART III. + +Phyllis _again to the rescue_. + +FIRST SCENE.--The same. _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ lie on the ground drunk. +Enter _Phyllis_ disguised as a soldier. Expressive despair. She searches +_Ferdinand's_ pockets and finds despatch, which is again projected on the +screen. She points dramatically to the left and looks doubtfully at +_Ferdinand_. Then she takes out a revolver, averts her eyes and shoots him +in the shoulder. Projection on screen:-- + + --------------------------------------- + | They will think he has been wounded | + | by the enemy and will suspect | + | nothing! | + --------------------------------------- + +SECOND SCENE.--A wood. _Phyllis_ on horseback riding at a great pace and +waving the despatch in her right hand. + + +PART IV. + +_All's well that ends well._ + +FIRST SCENE.--A hospital. _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ lying in cots and attended +by nurses. _Ferdinand_ signals to _Joe_ and they leap out of bed, gag the +nurses and tie them up with towels. Then they make a rope of bedclothes and +climb out of the window. + +SECOND SCENE.--Outside the hospital. _Ferdinand_, in pyjamas, is seen +sliding rapidly down the rope. _Joe_ follows. The rope breaks and he falls +with a crash to the ground. + +THIRD SCENE.--A field, with an aeroplane attended by mechanics standing in +it. Enter _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ running. They climb into the machine, the +motor is started and they shoot out of the picture. + +FOURTH SCENE.--The sky. An aeroplane flying very high and very fast. + +FIFTH SCENE.--A forest. _Phyllis_ is tied to a tree and three Red Indians +are about to run her through with spears. Suddenly they look upwards as if +disturbed by some noise. At this moment _Ferdinand_ drops to the ground +from the top of the picture. He at once shoots the Indians and releases +_Phyllis_. The latter points dramatically to the right and produces a +paper. Projection on screen:-- + + ------------------------------- + | 30,000 men will relieve you | + | to-morrow!--_Conolly._ | + ------------------------------- + +_Ferdinand_ and _Phyllis_ both point dramatically to the right. + +SIXTH SCENE.--Outside the _General's_ tent. Soldiers and Staff Officers as +before. Enter _Ferdinand_ and _Phyllis_. _Ferdinand_ hands the despatch to +the _General_. Despatch is again projected on the screen. The _General_ +rises and salutes with much emotion. All present salute, _Ferdinand_ clasps +_Phyllis_ in his arms to kiss her. + +SEVENTH SCENE.--The Kiss--about twenty-five times life-size. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_ (_discussing housemaid who has given notice_). +"WELL, OF COURSE, IF SHE WANTS TO GO SHE MUST. BUT IT SEEMS FOOLISH OF HER +IF HER ONLY REASON IS THAT SHE WANTS A CHANGE. SHE WON'T GET A BETTER PLACE +THAN THIS." + +_Cook._ "THAT'S JUST WHAT I TELL THE SILLY GIRL, MA'AM. 'DEPEND UPON IT,' I +SAYS TO HER, 'YOU'LL ONLY BE GOING OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN INTO THE FIRE.'"] + + * * * * * + + "Mr. G. Dyson, who succeeded Mr. W. S. Bambridge as organist at the + college a little over two years ago, is leaving to go to Rugby, as + organist there. Since he has been at Marlborough Mr. Dyson has given a + large number of much-appreciated recitals in the college chapel. The + organ is still undergoing repair."--_The Standard._ + +We make no comment. This is Rugby's affair, not ours. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DESPERATE REMEDIES. + +COLONEL HERBERT H. ASQUITH (_to Colonel ANDREW B. LAW, on observing that he +also has taken a leaf out of Lord CLAUD HAMILTON'S book_). "GUESS YOU WON'T +CUT ANY ICE, BONAR, UNLESS YOU SHAVE THAT MOUSTACHE OFF."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 16._--WORTHINGTON EVANS charmed House +to-day by one of those little delicacies of feeling and taste favoured in +the assembly. MASTERMAN has met the reward of conspicuous success at the +Treasury by promotion to Cabinet rank. In his absence his place temporarily +taken at Question Time by WEDGWOOD BENN, who, while careful to deprecate +personal responsibility for promise to give 9_d._ for 4_d._, displayed +remarkable intimacy with intricacies of the Insurance Act. WORTHINGTON +EVANS, having as usual, after the leisure of a week-end, provided himself +with collection of conundrums based on its working, knew that when he came +down to-day he would find MASTERMAN'S seat empty. + +Marked the occasion by presenting himself in mourning array--not the +profoundest black such as _Hamlet_ upon occasion affected, but a prevalence +of decorous colour provided in what is known in drapers' shops as "The +Mitigated Affliction Department." An uncompromising black tie was a +determining note in his attire, testifying to sincere regret at parting +from a Minister whom for three Sessions he has, so to speak, riddled with +conundrums. + +Insurance Act has suddenly again sprung into prominence. By odd accident +revival is coincident with couple of by-elections going forward in +Metropolis. JOYNSON-HICKS much struck by circumstance that announcement of +scheme under the Act dealing with casual labour at the docks is promulgated +just now, when election is proceeding in a constituency where there happen +to be many docks and a multitude of casual labourers who have votes. + +BONNER LAW, when he comes to think of it, equally surprised. Would the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER oblige by explaining? As for LORD BOB CECIL, he +is so perturbed that he momentarily forgets he has leading question to +address to PREMIER designed to extract secret intention with respect to +amending Home Rule Bill. + +LLOYD GEORGE, always ready to oblige, explains that scheme in question was +prepared last Autumn, had frequently been referred to by MASTERMAN whilst +still at the Treasury. + +"I am sure," he added, with twinkle in his eye, "we owe a debt of gratitude +to Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS for calling further attention to the matter at this +particular moment." + +Opposition not to be put off by badinage. Discover in apparently innocent +accident evidence of that deep-seated tendency to import bribery and +corruption into by-elections of which one of the Whips was this afternoon +made a terrible example. + +Above and below Gangway Members popped up desiring to put further +questions. Too much even for patience of SPEAKER. Suggested matter had +better be raised upon debate. + +"Why, cert'nly," said JOYNSON-HICKS. + +[Illustration: Lord ROBERT CECIL is "perturbed."] + +Accordingly, when at eleven o'clock debate on Address automatically stood +adjourned, and Members were anxious to get home, the JOCUND JOYNSON turned +up, and we had it all over again for space of half-an-hour. + +_Business done._--ORMSBY-GORE moved amendment expressing regret that, in +spite of all they had heard to its detriment in Lords and Commons, +Government intend to proceed with Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill. On +division amendment negatived by 279 votes against 217. Reduction of normal +Ministerial majority hailed with delight on Opposition benches. + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--"What's this?" SARK asked, looking in at +half-past four and finding House crowded with throng of strangers blocking +approaches. "Is it the Land or the Church?" + +"Neither," said MARCHAMLEY; "it's Marconi." + +"Ah," said SARK, as if that explained everything. + +On paper stood motion in name of AMPTHILL for appointment of Select +Committee to enquire into relation of Lord MURRAY with Marconi business. +The name, more blessed than Mesopotamia, stirred glad Opposition to +profoundest depths. Thought it over and done with; and here it was again, +blooming like the aloe, though after briefer interval. Excitement broke +through ordinarily ice-bound calm of the House. + +Opposition benches crowded to fullest capacity. Privy Councillors and sons +of Peers jostled each other on steps of Throne. Peeresses flocked down by +the score. Curious effect of latest fashion in headgear displayed in side +galleries. Nearly every bonnet--or were they hats?--was loftily plumed with +black feathers, ominously familiar on hearses. It seemed as if the ladies +had come to bury Cæsar (of Elibank), not to praise or even condemn him. + +MURRAY, arriving early, passed the Front Bench, where as ex-Minister he had +a right to sit. Found a place immediately behind in friendly contiguity to +former colleagues, Lord CREWE and Lord MORLEY. On stroke of half-past four +he rose and, producing sheaf of manuscript, began to read. In low voice, +with slow intonation, he turned over page after page, each scored with +acknowledgment of contrition and regret for mistakes made. He pleaded that +"my error, such as it was, was an error of judgment, not of intention." As +to purchase of American Marconi shares on behalf of the Liberal Party, "I +have," he said, "myself assumed the burden by taking over these shares at +the price paid for them at the date of purchase, and, as the House will +appreciate, at very considerable personal loss." + +Throughout ten minutes he was on his legs MURRAY, in unconscious sympathy +with the hearse plumes that nodded over him from the side gallery at his +back, spoke in funereal note. In the Commons so frank a confession, so +ample an apology, would have been accepted with burst of general cheering. +Shrewd Members know that an assured method of gaining temporary popularity +is to commit a breach of order and take early opportunity of withdrawing +anything offensive that may have been said, apologising for anything +unseemly that may have been done. When, for example, RONALD M'NEILL +apologised for having chucked at the head of the FIRST LORD OF THE +ADMIRALTY a book containing rules for preservation of order in debate, he +was almost rapturously cheered. + +Chilliness of the graveyard froze round MURRAY as he read carefully +prepared statement. When he sat down, faint murmur of applause rose from +scanty muster on Liberal side. No sound, whether of approval or +disapproval, broke the stillness of the serried benches opposite. + +Effect contagious. LANSDOWNE almost inaudible. CREWE quite so. Strangers at +back of gallery, hearing no voice and seeing the Noble Lord standing at the +table nervously wringing his hands and twiddling his fingers, thought he +was conversing with the LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION by means of the deaf and +dumb alphabet. + +AMPTHILL above these evidences of human weakness. LANSDOWNE in +characteristically chivalrous manner suggested that motion for Committee +should be withdrawn, affording opportunity to Noble Lords to consider +MURRAY'S statement and the best course to be taken upon it. AMPTHILL not +allured by such considerations. As he shrewdly remarked, if he consented to +withdraw his motion it could not be revived. All he would consent to was +not to insist upon proceeding with business at to-day's sitting. Stipulated +that his opportunity should not be hampered by "unavoidable delay." + +On this understanding House adjourned, hoarse plumes in side galleries +forlornly nodding themselves out. + +_Business done._--LLOYD GEORGE at bay in the Commons. His famous Budget +attacked afresh on motion of Amendment to Address. ANANIAS and SAPPHIRA +personally mentioned in course of debate. Amendment negatived by 301 votes +against 213. + +_Thursday._--Upon inquiry and reflection LANSDOWNE discovered that in +matter of proposed Marconi Committee AMPTHILL is in fuller accord with +opinion of majority on his side of House than himself. Accordingly, adopts +AMPTHILL'S motion and moves it. CREWE offering no opposition, Committee +appointed without division. + +In Commons, just after 11 o'clock, news came of defeat of MASTERMAN in +Bethnal Green. Turns out there was more in WORTHINGTON EVANS'S assumption +of "the inky cloak, good mother" than on Monday met the eye. Boisterous +scene of exultation in Unionist camp, jubilant cries of "Resign, Resign." +"Resign!" growled SARK. "Why should WILSON resign a seat just won? It is +true it was in a three-cornered fight, and by a majority of twenty-four he +represents minority of electors. But the seat is his, and of course he'll +keep it." + +Curious how obtuse SARK can be upon occasion. + +_Business done._--Debate on Address agreed to in Commons. Forthwith set to +on Estimates. Work cut out till 31st March. After that Home Rule and the +Deluge. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MAN FROM BOGOTA. + +Lord MURRAY OF ELIBANK (talking); Lord MOBLEY OF BLACKBURN (thinking).] + + * * * * * + + "ON SHROVE TUESDAY, FEB. 24, + + COOK'S FAST DAY EXCURSIONS TO BIRMINGHAM" + + _Midland Railway Leaflet._ + +The rest of us take our first "fast day," as usual, on Ash Wednesday. + + * * * * * + +THE CANAL. + + [_An attempt to express in futuristic "verse" the emotions aroused by + a futuristic painting bearing the above title._] + + Mud, sedimentary, coffee-colour, + And here a wedge, a sharp, keen, thrustful triangularity, + And squares that writhe in painful green, + Calling, clamouring--O venerable shade of EUCLID. + Back in the ages, dusty, maculated, + Across the slate-hued fogs of time, + Behold them!--oblongs of sliding water + And cubed banks, + Bridges and barges, blatantly, wonderfully, inconceivably angular, + Calling, clamouring--canal, canal, canal! + Out on the sea, restive and sloppy, + A waste of salinity, + So they aver, + There are ships with masts, sails, halyards, + Spankers, booms and things; + There are lobsters and jellyfish--not here. + Nothing here but illimitable mysteries, + Baffling unknowledgeableness, + Fathomless, fainting from square to square, + Oblongs and nosey triangles, ever so nosey, + Shapes rhomboidal, perchance rhombohedral--who knows? + Puce and mustard-tinted--delicate, + Oh, most delicate the mustard!-- + And russet, cadaverous pink, + They mingle, compaginate, + And their voices mingle, + They call me out of the frame, + They call, + Thinly and crazily, + Canal, canal, canal--slimy, crawly-crawly water! + + * * * * * + + "LITERARY. + + FREE.--Our 160-page book, 'Hints for Home Decorators,' will be sent + free on receipt of 1-1/2d. for postage. Full instructions on painting, + staining, graining, varnishing, enamelling, stencilling, gilding, + colour-washing, how to mix paints, colours, inks, dyes, and scores of + valuable recipes." + + _Daily Citizen._ + +Now we know where our novelists get their local colour. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Rector_ (_thanking all who have contributed to the success +of the bazaar_). "AND AS FOR LADY BLANK, I SHOULD NOT LIKE TO TELL YOU WHAT +_SHE_ HAS DONE."] + + * * * * * + +THE DEADLY BUTTON. + +We do not know whether the following incident occurred at Signor BEN +TROVATO'S famous restaurant on Fifth Avenue or not, but feel impelled, at +any rate, to quote it as a warning, on the authority of _The Globe_ of +February 19th, and _The New York American_:-- + +"Giving a well-satisfied sigh after dinner a Pittsburg man burst a button +off his waistcoat. It split in two. One half hit another man, with whom he +was dining, in the eye. As a result his _vis-á-vis_ may lose the sight of +his eye. The other half struck the convivo in the cheek, cutting the +flesh." + +This new and hitherto unsuspected possibility in ballistics must be rightly +directed and also guarded against. There will be danger from the opposite +side of the table at City dinners at about the tenth course and onwards, +unless the wary guest can screen himself from the Corporation behind a +laager of fruit-dishes and substantial ornaments. + +If two gourmets fall out over the respective merits of their favourite +_entremets_, the remedy is now easy. There is the duel by button. Each of +the principals, seconded by his particular waiter, after carefully taking +his opponent's range and bearings, will suspire and hit him in the eye. The +more replete combatant, having the greater equatorial velocity, will +probably win, but the tailor can do a good deal towards securing a flat +trajectory and freedom from swerve. + +At Christmas dinners, Tommy, when adequately charged, can challenge a rival +amateur of plum-pudding to a rally over the dessert, instead of expending +his horse-power over crackers. A little training, of course, would be +needed to secure a combine fusillade. + +It is only right to add that evening-dress waistcoats are henceforward to +come under those sections of the Geneva Convention which relate to missiles +and explosives. No soft-nosed buttons, or studs which are liable to +"bunch," are to be allowed. A special regulation further requires that +persons more than fifty inches in circumference, and fire-eaters who have +already marked their men, shall dine by themselves, or at any rate only at +a high table where there is no _vis-á-vis_. And page-boys are to be +compelled to use hooks-and-eyes, unless they are engaged for a wedding or +funeral salvo. + +ZIG-ZAG. + + * * * * * + +The Plural Voter. + + "At the Wilmot-street Schools ... the credit of being first fell to a + well-known resident--a stone-mason by craft.... There was no mistaking + the colour of his political opinions. He voted for Major Sir Mathew + Wilson."--_Evening News._ + + "'I am going to be the first man in England who ever voted at 7 a.m.,' + said an enthusiastic workman at the Wilmot-street Station as he fell + in with the opening of the front door. He voted for + Masterman."--_Star._ + + * * * * * + +A message recently sent to a New Zealand chemist: + + "Please give the little girl a plaster for a man that a piece of wood + blew off a shed and hit him in the rib." + + * * * * * + + "BAY GELDING, 5 years, 16 h.p., up to 13 stone; hunted up to date; + good performer and temperate; quiet with road nuisances; 30 gs." + +Thirty guineas for a 16 horse-power horse is absurd. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"HELEN WITH THE HIGH HAND." + +There is great entertainment at the Vaudeville for the admirers of Mr. +NORMAN MCKINNEL, among whom I propose to count myself whenever, as so +rarely happens, he takes an evening off from his tyrannical methods--seldom +very edifying when a woman is the victim. As the gentleman says in one of +OSCAR WENDELL HOLMES'S books, "_Quoiqu'elle soit très solidement montée, it +ne faut pas brutaliser la machine_." Here it is true that Mr. MCKINNEL +started out on his familiar courses, but he soon found that he had to do +with his match; that _Helen's_ hand was always a little higher than his +own. And, even when we saw him at his most dogmatic, the fact that the +question of sex, in its physical aspects, did not enter into their +relations--he was only her step-great-uncle--saved us from a great deal of +uneasiness. In all his moods, whether of blustering self-assertion or +reluctant surrender, of canny craft or protesting generosity, Mr. MCKINNEL +was equally admirable. + +[Illustration: THE HIGH HAND. + +_Helen Rathbone_ Miss NANCY PRICE. + +_James Ollerenshaw_ Mr. NORMAN MCKINNEL.] + +The local atmosphere of the Five Towns was established with less delay over +detail than is customary in this kind. There was a lot of tea-drinking, I +admit, but no doubt this beverage plays a strong part in the social life of +the Potteries. There was also much handling of domestic provisions--streaky +bacon, cheese, and so forth--but all this was proper enough in a play that +largely turned upon the changes in an old celibate's _ménage_. But in the +main it was a comedy of character, a struggle between youth and crabbed +age, in which the younger will and the quicker wit prevailed. As we first +see him, _James Ollerenshaw_ is a crusty, browbeating, misogynist, hoarding +his wealth, content with a mean habit of life, and convinced that nobody +can get the better of him. As we see him at the end he is a tamed man, +dependent on female protection against the wiles of a designing widow, and +established, at great cost, with his niece in the noble and ancient mansion +of her desire. There were subsidiary love-episodes, of course, but these, +though novel in some particulars, were relatively perfunctory. The +character of _James Ollerenshaw_ was the real matter of resistance. + +Miss NANCY PRICE'S _Helen_ was a very probable performance. For myself I +found her a little too minx-eyed for my taste, but no doubt this was part +of the right Pottery touch. Minor characters were all brightly played, Miss +MIÉLE MAUND being particularly happy as a garrulous young girl in the first +flush of an engagement, who subsequently throws over her violent _fiancé_ +on the ground that "she could never marry a man who pushes people into +lakes." Even the _vieux jeu_ of the designing widow took on a certain +freshness in the robust bands of Miss ROSINA FILIPPI. + +[Illustration: MODES FROM "THE POTTERIES." + +What Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S ladies wear to-day Vienna wears to-morrow. + +_Lilian Swetnam_ Miss MIÈLE MAUND.] + +I am in the fortunate position of having yet to read Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S +novel, from which Mr. PRYCE'S comedy has been adapted, and am therefore +free to treat the play itself on what I take to be its merits. It may be +that the adapter assumed in us a little previous knowledge of the history +of _Helen's_ love affair, or that at least there was an obscurity about her +past that wanted clearing up by retrospective illumination; but that is my +only possible criticism; and I heartily congratulate the Vaudeville +management on having at last discovered a play that promises to reward +their enterprise. + +Not suspecting that there would be a change of hours after the second +night, I arrived on the third night punctually at 8, to find that the +performance was announced to begin at 8.30. Punctually at that hour I +returned, to find that it did not commence till 9; that in the meantime I +was to assist at a song-and-talk recital of which no threat had been +published. My quarrel is not with Mr. FREDERIC NORTON who did it, though +his clever entertainment began with some songs about fishes and things that +might have warmed a Penny Readings' audience but left me bitterly cold. My +complaint is of a wasted hour and a bolted dinner. I mention it only to +prove that, whatever the provocation he has suffered, a Dramatic Critic is +incapable of prejudice. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "ALBANIA'S NEW RULER + + HOW PRINCE WILLIAM WILL ENTER HIS KINGDOM. + + +FOUR+" + + _Westminster Gazette._ + +Looping the loop on all fours? + + * * * * * + + "Shooting on the river Doe, in Kirkcudbrightshire, Colonel Kennaway, + Greenlaw, shot a fine specimen of the male gadwall, a comparatively + rare visitor."--_Glasgow Herald._ + +Col. KENNAWAY (_to deceased male gadwall_). "That'll teach you to be so +beastly rare." + + * * * * * + + "The Wigan County Licensing Sessions were held yesterday. + Superintendent Kelly stated that fifty-four persons had been proceeded + against for drunkenness, an increase of 124 over last + year."--_Liverpool Daily Post._ + +Superintendent KELLY should join the Government. + + * * * * * + + "A recital was given yesterday afternoon by Dr. Walter Alcock, who + bears the title of organist and composer to His Majesty's Chapels + Royal, and assistant organist of Westminster Abbey, and happens to be + also an organist of exceptional attainments." + + _Yorkshire Post._ + +The luck of Royalty is proverbial. + + * * * * * + + "WELSH PROFESSIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. + + Milward, after compiling a break of 73, failed at a very easy shot, + otherwise the contribution might have been higher." + + _Sportsman._ + +It would seem certain, but--you never can tell with these wily Welshmen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wealthy Visitor._ "_YOU_ 'ARD UP! WOT DO _YOU_ DO TO MAKE +YOU 'ARD UP? I NEVER 'EAR OF YOU GETTIN' A CAR FOR £2,000 AS _I_'VE JUST +DONE, OR BUYIN' YOUR WIFE £3,000 WORTH O' JOOLREY AS _I_ DID LAST WEEK, OR +SENDIN' YOUR BOY A 'UNDED POUNDS-WORTH O' MECHANICAL TOYS AS _I_ 'AVE THIS +MORNIN'. YOU'VE 'AD BREAD AND CHEESE AND _I_'VE STOOD SIX JOLLY FELLERS A +CHAMPAGNE LUNCH--'OW CAN _YOU_ BE 'ARD UP?"] + + * * * * * + +THE DANGER SIGNAL. + + ["I think moods and colours are related to one another. For instance, + you have to feel very happy and well to enjoy rose-pink." + + _Miss GLADYS COOPER._] + + Dear, did the afternoon seem dull and dreary? + Sweet, did you murmur as the tears fell thick-- + "My true love cometh not and I am weary; + This is a dirty trick"? + + Hear my excuse. With laudable precision + I reached our rendezvous full early, but + When you appeared in view, a rose-pink vision, + I really had to cut. + + For oh! your costume made me apprehensive; + That colour-scheme which caused my eyes to blink + Proved you in joyous vein, while I was pensive + And in no mood for pink. + + I wanted converse with the gentle lily + And not the rose with all its flaunting show, + Someone to stroke my hand and call me "Willie" + In accents soft and low. + + If we had met, your gaiety had grieved me; + There had been bitter back-chat to and fro; + And so I stole away ere you perceived me; + Dear, it was better so. + + * * * * * + +For all Tastes. + + "Number of births on the 28th instant 16; number of rats trapped on + the 29th instant 273."--_The Said Gazette._ + + * * * * * + +THE EXPERT IN EXCELSIS. + +The invitation to Mr. ARTHUR BROCK, the well-known pyrotechnist, to express +his opinion of STRAVINSKY'S orchestral fantasia, "Fireworks," on the +occasion of its second performance at Queen's Hall on the 28th inst., has, +we are delighted to learn, been fruitful of a series of similar +invitations, not only in the sphere of music but also in the domain of art +and letters. + +Thus we understand that the place of the ordinary musical critic of _The +Times_ will be taken at the next performance of _Parsifal_ by Mr. WATERER, +the great floricultural expert, and Mr. DEVANT, the eminent conjurer, with +a view to their contributing their impressions of the flower maidens and +the methods of the magician _Klingsor_ respectively. + +Similarly, on the occasion of the next representation of WAGNER'S _Flying +Dutchman_ at Covent Garden, a signed criticism by the Chief Locomotive +Superintendent of the Great Western Railway will appear in the pages of our +contemporary. + +The practice, which it is hoped will lend additional brightness to the +vivacious criticisms of _The Times_, is not to be confined to Opera. The +ASTRONOMER-ROYAL will be asked to record his impressions of BEETHOVEN'S +"Moonlight Sonata", and the officials of our leading lightships will be +asked to report upon PARRY'S "Blest Pair of Sirens." + +The application of the new method to literature promises to be equally +interesting. It is an open secret that Messrs. GUNTER have been permanently +retained by _The Pastry-cook's Gazette_ to review all books dealing with +the Glacial Epoch, Ice-action and Arctic Exploration. + + * * * * * + +A CHARACTER. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Under the title of "A Bygone" you recently published the +tale of a certain estimable butler and his one lapse, during many years' +service, into alcoholism. This reminds me of the shorter and sharper +history of our own James, who came to our Northern home on a Monday +afternoon and left upon the following morning. + +For his chief characteristics be referred us, on application, to the +opinion of a (Mrs.) Elizabeth Brown, of "The Cottage," Bamston, near +Maidstone, Kent, who, he said, knew more about him than anybody else, and +would take him back into her service later if need and opportunity arose. +This opinion described him briefly but emphatically as honest, sober and +willing. By way of the usual caution we wrote to this good lady direct and +asked her to be so kind as to elaborate her views to us in confidence. In +reply she wrote that James had been with her for eleven years on and off, +had left her only because she was leaving "The Cottage," would be welcomed +back by her when she settled down again, and meanwhile was very honest, +very sober and very willing. There was that about the handwriting and style +of this letter which made us feel that the writer might not be one of the +old _noblesse_, but was, at any rate, a kindly, sensible and acute old +body, who knew now and always what she was talking about. Moreover it +indicated, but did not actually state, that the man had come to be regarded +in the writer's household with feelings more friendly than those usually +found between employer and employé: always, we thought, a strong +recommendation of an old servant. On the strength of this correspondence we +decided to give him a trial at least. + +There was nothing peculiar about his appearance, except the suggestion of a +secret sorrow, which was no business of ours. His willingness was at once +apparent: our house being full for a hunt ball there was plenty of work for +him to do, but even so he found time between tea and dinner to put in a +preliminary polish of the silver, which, he told us, was his chief joy in +life, or rather one of them. Moreover he refused to go to bed until our +return from the ball, timed not to be earlier than 4 A.M., and insisted +that he would sit up for us. + +We drove off after dinner without a qualm; for, though my wife declares +that she detected a suspicious smell of spirits as he put the carriage rug +over her, unhappily she did not think to mention this till the next day. +When we got back in the small hours we found that, in accordance with his +promise, he had indeed not gone to bed. There he was unmistakably in the +hall. But he wasn't sitting up.... No.... Rather, he was lying down, back +uppermost.... So much for his sobriety. + +We resolved to show no mercy. Having promised to drive Captain Merriman, +one of our guests, to the station to catch the early train to London, I was +myself up betimes to see the sinful James also off the premises. His +sorrow, no longer secret, was very manifest; it was a cold wet morning; it +required some strength of mind to cast the fellow adrift and leave him to +find his own way, with bag and baggage, to oblivion. But I did it. + +One does not leave much margin of time on these occasions, and it was not +long afterwards that we followed in the dog-cart; nor had we got far on our +road before we espied the back of James ahead of us--one of the saddest +backs I have ever seen. He had still four miles to go to the station; his +bag was obviously not light; he looked as if he would not get four more +yards without collapsing; no doubt he had had an exhaustive night; finally, +even that stern disciplinarian, Merriman, took pity. So, "Jump up behind, +you old blackguard," I called to him as I drew up alongside, and up he +climbed, cling-to his seedy bag and protesting that this was very much more +than he deserved. + +As to his honesty you, Sir, must judge. The police doubted it from the +start, and their experience led them to be sure that the reference was +forged, that there was no "Cottage" and no Elizabeth Brown. No doubt he had +managed to get our letter delivered to him and had forged an answer to +that. On all points they were wrong and James was correct. There was "The +Cottage" all right, very much a cottage; it had been vacated by the tenant, +not voluntarily (who ever said it had?) but by reason of arrears of six +weeks' rent, at 5_s._ 6_d._ per week. The tenant's name was truly Elizabeth +Brown, though she was more commonly known as Old Bess, and she was the one +person to know all about our James, being his wife. And we've no reason to +doubt that she has taken him back into her service and was very glad to do +it too. + +In short, I cannot claim that James lied to us in any particular. So much +for his honesty. As far as dishonesty was involved in the matter of the +bag, I am not in a position to complain of that, seeing that it was by my +agency alone that that bag got to the station, and it was at my expense +that our local porter deposited, _inter alia_, my wife's much valued +Georgian tea service and spoons in the London train, just about the time +that the theft of them was being discovered at home. Under the guilty +circumstances I prefer to remain + +Your anonymous + +CORRESPONDENT. + + * * * * * + +TO MINKI-POO + +(SHUTTING ONE EYE). + + I watch you, while the firelight glare + Strews flick'ring fancies round the hall, + Replete, with what exotic fare + No watcher by The Wall + Had ever thought to line himself withal. + + And, as I mark the locks that weave + A curtain for your eyes of flame, + I sometimes think if you'd a sleeve + To help you in the game, + You'd find a laugh or two to fill the same. + + For She in whose grey eyes there springs + Ruth for the lowliest and the least + Proclaims you heir of countless kings, + An emblem from the East + Of inward beauty in the outward beast. + + She says you miss the sidewise roll + Of palanquins in Something-Chang, + Or sigh for little bells that toll + Beside the Si-kiang, + And dream-dogs of your old Celestial gang. + + For me, I think that tiny heart + Bears no such Oriental load; + Your dreams concern no Pekoe mart + Nor mandarin's abode, + But some dim purlieu of the Edgware Road. + + Well, young pretender, have your fling! + Though Fate forbade you to adorn + The pompous pedigree of Ming, + No particle of scorn + Shall ever fall upon the Briton born! + + * * * * * + + "It was contended that the captain had been placed in circumstances of + exceptional difficulty. The solicitor for the Board of Trade said that + between six and seven hundred pilgrims from Mecca swarmed on to the + ship at Beyrouth to return to Morocco." + + _Westminster Gazette._ + +Another result of the expiry of the WAGNER copyrights? + + * * * * * + + "She went out rather quickly by the door, but none of them + laughed."--_From "The Cheerful Christian," by DAVID LYALL, in "The + British Weekly."_ + +She must try the window next time, and then, if they still won't laugh, the +chimney. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Irate Gentleman._ "WHEN I 'ITS A MAN, 'E REMEMBERS +IT." + +_Second Irate Gentleman._ "WELL, WHEN I 'ITS ONE, 'E DON'T."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_The Golden Barrier_ (METHUEN) was an affair of sovereigns, and the way of +it was this. _Magdalen Tempest_, the heroine, had been left by her late +father the mistress of many fine houses, and stacks and stacks of money. +She had inherited also a disagreeable but honest butler, an aunt who was +even more disagreeable but not honest, and an agent who was--well, who was +the hero of the book. She had further gathered to herself a crowd of +hangers-on more or less artistic, and all given to requiring small +temporary loans. One of them, however, was a professed social reformer, a +bold bad man of doubtful extraction, who was leagued with the aunt in a +plan to marry _Magdalen_ to himself and secure control of the cash. So +_Magdalen_ gave a Venetian Carnival in her great house, and it came on to +thunder, and she found herself alone in a gondola with the painter +(favourite hanger-on), who attempted, too vigorously, to improve the +shining hour, and it was all rather awkward, when--romantically opportune +arrival of the hero (name of _Denvers_), who flung the painter into the +lake, clasped the heroine in his manly arms, married her and lived +happy----No. That is where you are too hasty. There remained still the +Golden Barrier. For, after an interlude of bliss, back came the intriguing +aunt, the social reformer and all the crowd (save the submerged artist) and +began to accuse _Denvers_ of living on his wife's cheque-book. How it ends +you must find out. If you object that there is very little in all this to +suggest the spirit of fine romance which you have learnt to associate with +the names of AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE, I can only say that (while my rough +synopsis does no justice to some pleasant characterization) I myself +greatly prefer these two writers in their earlier and brocaded mood. + + * * * * * + +It seems to me that Mr. FRANCIS BRETT-YOUNG has done quite a distinguished +piece of work in _Deep Sea_ (SECKER). I have not cared to miss a paragraph +of it and have certainly carried away an unusually vivid memory of that +unnamed West-country fishing-town which he has so cleverly peopled with his +creatures--with poor, simple, introspective _Jeffrey Kenar_, fisherman that +was, looking at life through the oddly refracting medium of his window of +old glass, and all but seeing visions; comely, bitter _Nesta_, his wife; +simple, loyal _Reuben_, _Jeffrey's_ friend, whose rejection of _Nesta +Kenar's_ overmastering passion turns her love to hate; _Reuben's_ gentle +wife, _Ruth_; and that sleek mortgagee, _Silley_, for whom men like +_Reuben_ toil that he may grow fat, nominally owning their vessels, +actually in heavy bondage to their shrewd exacting masters. There are dark +and deep waters of passion swirling in and out of these simple lives, and +the author, whose method is broadly impressionist rather than meticulously +realistic, contrives cleverly to suggest that what he imagines has in fact +been closely observed. He can make and tell a story and he can marshal +words with a certain magic. The tragedy ends peacefully with the resolution +of the too bitter discord of _Nesta's_ hate in love of the child of the man +she had wrongfully and vainly desired. A book to be read. + + * * * * * + +Amongst the makers of what might be called, without in this case any +disparagement, the commercial short story, I think I should place Mr. P. G. +WODEHOUSE as easily my favourite. The comfortable anticipation that is +always mine on observing his name on the contents page of a popular +magazine has been renewed by the sight of it attached to a collection of +tales in volume form and called, after the first of them, _The Man +Upstairs_ (METHUEN). You must not expect a detailed criticism. All I can +promise you is that, if you are a Wodehouseite, you will find here the +author at his delightful best. He is winged and doth range. The heroes of +these tales include (I quote from the cover) "a barber, a gardener, a +play-writer, a tramp, a waiter, a golfer, a stockbroker, a butler, a bank +clerk, an assistant master at a private school, a Peer's son and a Knight +of the Round Table." So there you are; and, if you don't see what you want +in the window, you must be hard to please. Personally, I fancy I would give +my vote for the play-writing stories. "_Experientia_," as _Mrs. Micawber's_ +late father used to observe, "_does it_"; and here I have the feeling that +the author is upon tried ground. But not one of the collection will bore +you; there is about them all too nice a deftness, too happy a gift of +phrase. I am told by the publishers that the American public fully shares +my approval of this engaging craftsman. It shows their sense. But, if there +is any threat of removing Mr. WODEHOUSE permanently to the other side of +the Atlantic, where already he goes far too much, my guinea shall head any +public subscription to retain him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Punctilious Burglar._ "SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, GUV'NOR, BUT +_WOULD_ YOU MIND LETTING ME HAVE THE THRIPPENCE FOR YOUR SHARE OF THE +INSURANCE STAMP? THIS IS THE FIRST JOB I'VE HAD THIS WEEK."] + + * * * * * + +In an extremely able but peculiarly unpleasant book, _The Questing Beast_ +(SECKER), I think that Miss IVY LOW makes two serious mistakes. "Tell her," +writes the heroine to a friend after the first of two irregular love +affairs, "that I thought, 'I am not that kind of girl,' and tell her that +there is no 'sort of girl,' and that life is a sea and human beings must +catch hold of life-buoys to keep them afloat." To this it may be answered, +however, that there _is_ "that kind of girl," and that _Rachel Cohen was_ +"that kind of girl," and that it is a kind which deliberately rejects +life-buoys when flung out to them. The second mistake, as it seems to me, +in a novel which is in many ways a very clever piece of realism, is a +strong feminist or, at any rate, anti-masculine bias. Against the cunning +dissection of the character of _Charles Giddey_, a worthless and conceited +egotist, I have no complaint to make. It is one of the best things of its +kind that I have read for a long time. But it seems unlikely, to say the +least, that the heroine, after being deserted by the man she really loves, +should, considering her very erotic and unprincipled temperament, find +complete happiness in the publication of a successful novel and in devotion +to her child. I feel that on a nature like that of _Rachel Cohen_ even +Royalties and Press notices would eventually pall. And in pausing I may +remark that the beast _Glatisant_ cuts a very episodic and unsatisfactory +figure in the _Morte D'Arthur_. Pursued for a short while by _Sir +Palamides_ in his Paynim days, it scarcely comes into the cognisance of +KING ARTHUR'S Court and the Table Round. And I fancy that the circulating +libraries will feel the same about "_The Questing Beast_." + + * * * * * + +I do not think that I can recall any novel that makes such insistent +demands upon the weather as does Miss JOAN SUTHERLAND'S _Cophetua's Son_ +(MILLS AND BOON). The sun, the rain, the wind, the snow--these are from the +first page to the last at their intensest, wildest, brightest, most +furious, and as I closed the book and looked out upon a day of monotonous +drizzle I thanked Heaven for the English climate. But I imagine that Miss +SUTHERLAND was aware that nothing but the most vigorous of climatic +conditions would afford a true background for her hero's tempestuous soul. +_Lucien de Guise_ was unfortunate enough to be the son of a flower-girl, +and I had no idea, until Miss SUTHERLAND made it plain to me, how terrible +his friends and the members of the smartest of London's clubs--"Will's, a +place of great historic interest and brilliant reputation, developing +gradually into one of the most exclusive clubs in London, and very strictly +limited in numbers"--held so ignominious an origin. There is a scene in +Will's where _Colonel Maclean_, "a handsome man and a famous soldier," +expels _M. de Guise_ "with a perceptible degree of asperity" in his +voice--a scene that does the greatest credit to Miss SUTHERLAND'S +imagination. Indeed, I am afraid that Miss SUTHERLAND'S ambition to write a +really dramatic story has driven her into incredibilities of atmosphere, of +incident, and of character. _M. de Guise_, with his flashing, gleaming +eyes, his love of liqueurs, his passion for smashing the most priceless of +Nankin vases whenever he sees them, is, surveyed under these grey English +skies, an unreal figure, and his world, I am afraid, too brightly coloured +to be convincing. + + * * * * * + + "RULER wanted for Ireland (N.S.); good wages, permanency to competent, + reliable man.--Full particulars to Box 167, Daily News, + Manchester."--_Daily News._ + +Don't reply to it, Mr. REDMOND. It is not in your line. It is a printer's +advertisement, merely. + + * * * * * + + "The accident caused great excitement in the neighbourhood. A large + crowd quickly gathered, and several medical men were hurried to the + sport."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +Those well-known surgeons, _Mr. Robert Sawyer_ and _Mr. Benjamin Allen_, +enjoyed it most. + + * * * * * + + "A new French revue, entitled 'C'est Bon' (literally, 'It's Top-hole') + is to be produced on Monday week."--_Evening News._ + +Or, more roughly, "That's good." + + * * * * * + +In a catalogue of characters assumed at a Mayoral Fancy Dress Ball we are +informed by _The Birmingham Daily Mail_ that Professor and Mrs. +SONNENSCHEIN figured as "Socrates and Christian Thippe." Poor old pagan +XANTHIPPE! SOCRATES is well avenged. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, February 25, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 23760-8.txt or 23760-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/7/6/23760/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |