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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+February 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 7, 2007 [EBook #23760]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+*** Transcriber's Note:  Typo "Professsor" changed to "Professor" in the
+last paragraph of the last page. The symbol + was used to bracket where
+text appeared upside down in the original. ***
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 146.
+
+
+
+
+FEBRUARY 25, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+THE GERMAN CROWN PRINCE has the mumps. It seems that his Imperial Father
+was not consulted in the matter beforehand, and further domestic
+differences are anticipated.
+
+       * * *
+
+KING SISOVATH of Cambodia, we learn from _Le Petit Journal_, was so pleased
+with a white elephant sent him by the Governor-General of French Indo-China
+that he has raised the animal--a fine female--to the dignity of a Princess.
+The news soon got about, and considerable jealousy is felt at our Zoo,
+where there is not so much as even a baronet among the inmates.
+
+       * * *
+
+General VON PLETTENBURGH, commanding the Prussian Guards Corps, has issued
+a decree against the wearing of the so-called "tooth-brush" moustache,
+pointing out that such an appendage is unsuitable for a Prussian soldier
+and "not consonant with the German national character." The implication is
+very unpleasant.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is generally reported," says a contemporary, "that Sir EDWARD GREY
+speaks no German, and French very badly. M. VENIZELOS, the Greek Prime
+Minister, declared that he had the greatest difficulty in understanding Sir
+EDWARD'S French." As a matter of fact a little bird tells us that on this
+occasion our Foreign Secretary was speaking Greek.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Mr. Asquith," said _The Times_, "in a massage to the Liberal candidate for
+South Bucks, emphasizes the prime importance of the Irish issue." There is,
+of course, nothing like massage for rubbing things in.
+
+       * * *
+
+Herr BALLIN, head of the Hamburg-American Line, and Herr HEINEKEN, head of
+the rival North-German Lloyd Company, came to London last week, and are
+said to have concluded peace in the Atlantic rate war. We understand that
+the arrangement is to be known as the Pool of London.
+
+       * * *
+
+The authorities at Barotse, _The Globe_ tells us, have put a price on the
+heads of all lions there. One can picture the mean sportsman, with a pair
+of field-glasses, picking out the cheapest before firing.
+
+       * * *
+
+     "61,000 TERRITORIALS SHORT."
+
+     _Daily Mail._
+
+Still, it is pretty generally recognised now that a small man may make
+every bit as good a soldier as a big one, and, besides, there is always
+less of him to hit.
+
+       * * *
+
+Among the temporary teachers appointed to carry on schools in Herefordshire
+during the teachers' strike was an asylum attendant. This confirms the
+report that many of the children were mad at finding that the schools did
+not close in consequence of the strike.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is denied that the name of the Philharmonic Hall, where Mr. PONTING'S
+moving pictures of the Antarctic Expedition are being shown, is to be
+changed to the Philmharmonic Hall.
+
+       * * *
+
+RICHARD STRAUSS'S new work, dealing with the story, of JOSEPH and
+POTIPHAR'S wife, is to be produced shortly in Paris. A musical play version
+of it, entitled "After the Man," may be looked for here.
+
+       * * *
+
+From Rome comes the news that a young man who was being examined in a
+hospital there has been found to have two separate stomachs. This
+announcement that the ideal man has at last been evolved has caused the
+greatest excitement here in Corporation circles.
+
+       * * *
+
+        "LYCEUM CLUB.
+     100 YEARS OF PEACE."
+
+     _Daily Telegraph._
+
+Surely a record for a lady's club?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CLOSE OF THE COURSING SEASON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+          "CHANGE OF NAME.
+                FROM
+     JACOB GALBA IWUSHUKU-BRIGHT
+                 TO
+      GALBA IWUCHUKU OLUKOTUN."
+
+     _Sierra Leone Weekly News._
+
+We notice no improvement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+Notice in a shop window at Reading:
+
+     "TRY ----'S SAUSAGES: NONE LIKE 'EM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CIVIL WAR ESTIMATES.
+
+(_A Ministerial Apology._)
+
+  Your talk is vanity, you who lightly vouch
+    That we, indifferent to the country's call, shun
+  A crisis under which the People crouch
+    Like DAMOCLES beneath the pendent falchion;
+  That from our minds, incredibly deluded,
+        Ulster is still excluded.
+
+  It is not so. All day (between our meals)
+    We find this topic really most attractive;
+  In watches of the night it often steals
+    Into our waking dreams, and keeps us active,
+  Like sportsmen whom the rude mosquito chases,
+        Trying to save our faces.
+
+  But we have other tasks, and "Duty First"
+    Must be our cry before we yield to Pleasure;
+  Our Annual Estimates must be rehearsed
+    Ere more alluring themes engage our leisure;
+  The Budget's claims are urgent; Ulster's fate
+        Can obviously wait.
+
+  Besides, no Government should go to war
+    Without the wherewithal to pay for forage,
+  For ammunition and a Flying Corps
+    And cann�d meats to stimulate the courage;
+  And this applies, as far as we can tell,
+        To civil wars as well.
+
+  For, though our foes confine us to a sphere
+    Of relatively narrow operations,
+  We are advised that they may cost us dear,
+    And therefore, in our coming calculations,
+  As Trustees of the Race we dare not miss
+        To estimate for this.
+
+  Hence these delays--all carefully thought out.
+    But when from hibernation we emerge on
+  The vernal prime and things begin to sprout,
+    Our Ulster policy shall also burgeon;
+  With sap of April coursing through our blood
+        We too shall burst in bud.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT RESIGNER.
+
+(_A Forecast._)
+
+_March, 1914._
+
+     Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN describes Mr. JOHN REDMOND as "brother to the
+     middle-aged sea-serpent from the County Clare."
+
+     Mr. JOHN REDMOND denies that he is a sea-serpent.
+
+     Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, having denounced this denial as "the last effort
+     of a defeated dastard," resigns his seat for Cork City.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN is re-elected without a contest.
+
+_April, 1914._
+
+     Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN in an impassioned speech advocates conciliation
+     all round in Ireland, and refers to Mr. JOHN REDMOND as "a moth-eaten,
+     moss-gathering malingerer of unparalleled ferocity."
+
+     Mr. REDMOND is seen to smile.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN, declaring that he has never been so much insulted in his
+     life, resigns his seat for Cork City.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN is re-elected without a contest.
+
+_May, 1914._
+
+     An Alderman of Cork fails to take off his hat to Mr. O'BRIEN.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN summons a meeting of his supporters and, in a five-hours'
+     speech, states that, in spite of the unexampled infamy of Mr. REDMOND,
+     he will never abandon his efforts for Irish unity.
+
+     Mr. REDMOND says nothing.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN states that "the truckling truculence of a mock-modest
+     monster of meretricious mendacity cannot be allowed to prevail against
+     a policy of sober and sympathetic silence."
+
+     Mr. REDMOND having abstained from a reply, Mr. O'BRIEN resigns his
+     seat for Cork City and is shortly afterwards re-elected without a
+     contest.
+
+_June, 1914._
+
+     Mr. ASQUITH, in moving the Second Reading of the Home Rule Bill, does
+     not mention Mr. O'BRIEN, who swoons in his place and is carried
+     speechless from the House of Commons.
+
+     On the following day Mr. O'BRIEN issues to the world a manifesto of
+     60,000 words, in which he describes Mr. REDMOND as "a palsied purveyor
+     of pledge-breaking platitudes," and announces that the Irish question
+     can be settled only by the good will of men of all parties.
+
+     Mr. REDMOND takes no notice.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN declares that he can no longer pursue a policy of
+     conciliation and mildness, and resigns his seat for Cork City as a
+     protest against the "frenzied flaunting of flattery and folly" in
+     which, he says, Mr. REDMOND spends his time.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN, having been re-elected without a contest, immediately
+     re-resigns twelve times in advance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CINEMA NEWS.
+
+Final preparations have now been made to film Mr. THORNTON'S first day as
+General Manager of the Great Eastern Railway. By kind permission of Lord
+CLAUD HAMILTON representatives of all the other railway companies are to be
+present to take notes, like the foreign military attach�s in a war. A good
+"movie" should result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another film which should provide entertainment and instruction in the
+highest degree is the "Day in the Life of Mr. C. K. SHORTER" which is now
+being arranged for. The great critic will be followed hour by hour with
+faithful persistence. He will be seen editing _The Sphere_ with one hand
+and putting all the writing fellows in their place with the other. He will
+be seen in that wonderful library of his which covers two acres in St.
+John's Wood, reading, annotating and correcting; he will be seen at lunch
+at his club with other intellectual kings, his intimate friends; shaking
+hands with Mr. HARDY; entering a taxi; leaving a taxi and paying the fare;
+dining with Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; attending a first night and applauding
+only when applause is merited; and finally returning home to read more
+books. In all, about fourteen miles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It will be regretfully learned by the great public, always ready for new
+thrillers, that all efforts to induce Mr. BALFOUR to part with the cinema
+rights of his Gifford lectures have failed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "In consequence of the farm labourers and carters employed on various
+     farms in the parish and village of Chitterne having come out on
+     strike, work of all kinds, with the exception of lambing, is at a
+     complete standstill."--_Bath and Wilts Chronicle._
+
+These black-leg ewes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mr. Kipling, who met with a warm deception."--_Daily Graphic._
+
+Not a bit of it. Everyone was frankly delighted to see and hear him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE THRONE PERILOUS.
+
+AUSTRIA AND ITALY (_to the new Ruler of Albania_). "BE SEATED, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to her boy, who has just struck his little sister
+with his Teddy bear_). "WHY DID YOU HIT YOUR SISTER IN THE FACE, JOHN?"
+
+_John._ "'COS IT WAS THE ONLY PART OF HER I COULD SEE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL DIAGNOSIS.
+
+DR. JAMES CANTLIE has reported that "the placing of a tuning-fork; against
+the body of a patient enables him to gauge the limits of the liver with
+almost hair-breadth precision." He believes that musical diagnosis will
+prove reliable in the case of broken bones, and asserts that already it has
+been proved that a fatty liver gives out tones distinct from a cirrhosed
+liver.
+
+A superb performance of Herr RICHARD STRAUSS'S "German Measles Concerto"
+was given last night by the Queen's Hall orchestra. The tempo was
+throughout wonderfully high. The three fine solo passages for the left
+kidney were finely rendered; while the exquisite _diminuendo_ to
+convalescence with which the work concludes greatly impressed a neurotic
+audience.
+
+The tuning-fork test has proved that several of the most popular of recent
+rag-time tunes were originally scored by the brain of a patient who had met
+with a severe concussion while attempting to escape over the high wall of
+an Asylum for Incurable Idiots.
+
+An interesting incident is reported in the Medical press from a well-known
+Nursing Home. It appears that one of the female attendants, on applying the
+tuning-fork to what was alleged to be the broken heart of a patient, was
+astonished to obtain as response the first five bars of "You Made Me Love
+You." The case has, we learn, been since discharged cured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NUPTIAL NOVELTIES.
+
+     ["Two prominent members of the Herne Bay Angling Association were
+     married on Saturday afternoon at St. Martin's Church, Herne Bay.
+
+     An interesting feature of the wedding was the assembly of members of
+     the association, who lined the pathway to the church door and formed
+     an archway of fishing-rods, to which silver horseshoes had been
+     attached.
+
+     The bridegroom's father is not only president of the angling
+     association, but captain of the Herne Bay Fire Brigade, members of
+     which formed a guard of honour with crossed hatchets."--_Daily
+     Chronicle._]
+
+The nuptials of Mr. Desmond Waddilove and Miss Esther Priddie, whose
+parents are prominently implicated in the milk trade, were marked by
+several interesting and appropriate spectacular incidents. A specially
+attractive feature was the progress of the wedding procession between a
+double row of milk-cans. Later on the bride and bridegroom left for Cowes
+(I.W.) amid a volley of pats of butter deftly hurled by the officials of
+the Sursum Corda Dairy Company, Ltd.
+
+Last Saturday the wedding of Mr. Nestor Young and Miss Leonora Dargle was
+celebrated with great _�clat_ at St. Mark's, Datchet. Out of respect for
+the calling of the bride's father all the wedding party proceeded to the
+sacred edifice in bath-chairs, which imparted to the ceremony an air of
+solemnity too often neglected at up-to-date weddings. The bridegroom's
+father being a leading pork-butcher, imitation sausages formed part of the
+trimmings of the bride's going-away dress.
+
+Mr. Donald MacLurkin, the golf professional of the Culbin Sands Golf Club,
+was married last Friday at Lossiemouth to Miss Janet Sutor, of Cromarty. A
+charming effect was produced by a guard of honour, composed of members of
+the golf club, holding aloft crossed brassies, beneath which the happy pair
+passed into the church, while the caddies clashed niblicks and other iron
+clubs. The bride wore a cream silk bogey skirt, slightly caught up so as to
+show the pink dots of the stymied underskirt, and a simple Dunlop V
+corsage. A dainty little pot-bunker hat completed a costume as novel as it
+was natty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROYALISTS.
+
+Eight of us travel up to town every morning by the Great Suburban Railway.
+I have no politics. Gibbs is a Unionist Free Trader. Three of the others
+are Radicals and three Unionists. On one side of the compartment are ranged
+_The Daily Mail_, _The Daily Express_ and _The Daily Telegraph_. Boldly
+confronting them are two _Daily Chronicles_ and a _Daily News_. Gibbs
+contents himself with a _Daily Graphic_, while I choose every day the paper
+with the least sensational placard.
+
+You can imagine what the journeys are like. Filmer will put down his _Daily
+Express_ and say with feeling, "If I could only get that infernal Welsher
+by the throat." Then Rodgers will lay down his _Daily News_ and sneer,
+"What has aggravated the toadies of the Dukes to-day?" In a moment the
+battle is in full swing. Bennett breaks in with assertions that peace and
+unity will never prevail till the Cabinet has been hanged. Chalmers makes a
+mild proposal for the imprisonment of the Armament Ring which is gnawing at
+the country's vitals. And when there has been a by-election and both sides
+claim the moral victory I have no doubt that the men in signal-boxes think
+that murder is taking place in our carriage.
+
+However, one day Filmer made a reference to Marconi speculations which
+caused Rodgers to shake the dust from his feet (an easy thing on the Great
+Suburban line) and leave the compartment at the next station. Then Chalmers
+and Simcox bore down on Filmer with statistics about our booming trade.
+When we reached the next station, Filmer darted out of the compartment,
+declining to travel any longer with a set of miserable Cobdenite Little
+Englanders. I was horrified--not at the absence of Rodgers and Filmer,
+which could have been endured--but at the idea that the gaps they left in
+the carriage might be tilled up by even worse persons than politicians.
+Suppose golfers took their places. On one occasion, when Gibbs had
+influenza, an intruder had described to us the fixing of a new carburettor
+to his car.
+
+Then the great idea came to me--the formation of the Society. The next
+morning I went up to Filmer and Rodgers as they stood apart from us and
+each other on the platform and said, "Come to the others for a moment. They
+want to apologise to you."
+
+They didn't, but sometimes one has to choose between the cause of peace and
+that of truth.
+
+"Gentlemen," I said, "I have noticed this. Nearly all our little
+controversies begin in one way. Somebody says, 'I call a spade a spade and
+BONAR LAW (or LLOYD GEORGE) a lying, treacherous scoundrel.' I propose that
+we form ourselves into the Society for Not Calling a Spade a Spade."
+
+"What do you propose to call it? 'A Royal'?" This from Gibbs, who is a
+master of auction bridge.
+
+"By all means," I said. "It gives dignity and an enhanced value to a vulgar
+agricultural utensil. And the Society can be called 'The Royalists' for
+short. Its single rule is to be this, that any member speaking of any
+politician of the opposite Party except in terms of eulogy shall be fined
+ten shillings and sixpence. The fines to be divided equally between the
+Tariff Reform League and the Free Trade Union."
+
+For a moment there was hesitation. Then the Opposition rejoiced at the idea
+of hearing the Radicals praise LAW and LONG, and the Radicals thought it
+would be ecstasy to hear panegyrics of LLOYD GEORGE and MASTERMAN from the
+Unionists.
+
+The Society was formed at once and has proved an enormous success. Peace
+and goodwill reign amongst us. It is a perpetual delight to see Filmer put
+down his _Daily Express_ and with the veins bulging out from his forehead
+say, "That accurate and careful financier who has so immeasurably raised
+the status of the Chancellorship of the Exchequer"; or to hear Chalmers
+remark, "Sad would it be if that most honey-tongued and softhearted of
+politicians, dear F. E. SMITH, should have his life ended by a British
+bayonet."
+
+One or two prepare their delicate eulogies beforehand and refer to notes;
+but this is thought unfair. The compartment, as a whole, prefers the
+impromptu praise that has the air of coming from the heart.
+
+I am thinking of offering to the House of Commons and the House of Lords
+free membership in The Royalists. Perhaps Messrs. LLOYD GEORGE and LEO
+MAXSE would consent to act as perpetual Joint Presidents, with Lord HUGH
+CECIL and the Rev. Dr. CLIFFORD as Chaplains.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _MacBull._ "I SHALL BE A GAY GRASS WIDOWER FOR THE NEXT TWO
+MONTHS--WIFE'S GONE FOR A HOLIDAY TO THE WEST INDIES."
+
+_O'Bear._ "JAMAICA?"
+
+_MacBull._ "NO, IT WAS HER OWN IDEA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "He is only a tame duck who with sheepish timidity attempts to
+     controvert the determination of a body of frontiersmen from their
+     purpose by firing at them with a water squirt."
+
+     _Bulawayo Chronicle._
+
+It sounds more like a wild duck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From Publishers' Announcements:--
+
+     "'BORROWED THOUGHTS.'
+
+     (A Handbook for Lent, with an Introduction by a popular Bishop.) Limp,
+     9d."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Lot 3. Extra Dry, Cuv�e Beserv�e, 60/-. A really excellent pure Wine,
+     which we bought lying abroad."
+
+We trust they won't sell it lying at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Generally crime is normal and no increase in mortality is reported.
+     Little wandering, emigration, or emaciation is noticed. Cattle are
+     being sold in large numbers in Hamirpur. Blankets are being
+     distributed to the poor.
+
+     (_For other Sporting News see page 8_)."
+
+     _Advocate of India._
+
+There is nothing narrow about the sporting tastes of our Oriental
+contemporary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Larry._ "TRESHPASSING, IS UT? JUST WAIT TILL WE GIT HOME
+RULE. IVERY MAN'LL DO AS HE LIKES THIN--AND THIM'S THAT WON'T'LL BE MADE
+TO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INVADERS.
+
+From all sides news pours in concerning the rush for American managers of
+English concerns. At last the excellence of the American businessman's
+habits are being recognised, probably not a little owing to the vogue of
+such plays as _Get-rich-quick Wallingford_, _Broadway Jones_ and _The
+Fortune Hunters_, wherein we see hustling methods justifying by their
+success all the odd measures which led to dollars. That the dominating
+business man who thus rises to greatness has to marry a clerk or typist is
+perhaps only a detail, but if the plays are to be taken as a guide it is
+expected of him.
+
+The great tailoring house of Tarn, which has just appointed a manager from
+Cleveland, Ohio, on the advice of Lord CLAUD HAMILTON, has completely
+transformed its cutting department. All jackets are now made to reach to
+the knees, with shoulders that project beyond the wearer's body one foot on
+each side. The trousers are wide at the knees and tight at the ankles, and
+are very effective. Walking-sticks must not be worn with these suits.
+Messrs. Tarn hope to bring back the frock coat very shortly, especially for
+politicians.
+
+The American scholar who has just been appointed to the Chair of English
+Composition at Oxford has already made some drastic reforms. No longer may
+the student write that he has a book "at home"; he must say "to home." The
+participle "got" has gone in favour of "gotten"; while the only text-books
+in use are of Trans-Atlantic origin. The University has adopted the college
+cry of "No, No, No Eng Lish Need, Need, Need Apply!"
+
+This yell will be used by Oxford partisans at the Inter-University Sports
+during the performances of American RHODES Scholars.
+
+The latest news to reach us as we go to press is that the directors of
+various London music halls are thinking seriously whether or not they will
+call in American assistance for their revues, either producers, actors or
+musicians. But this is an innovating step which will require the deepest
+thought.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SINGING WATER.
+
+  I heard--'twas on a morning, but when it was and where,
+  Except that well I heard it, I neither know nor care--
+  I heard, and, oh, the sunlight was shining in the blue,
+  A little water singing as little waters do.
+
+  At Lechlade and at Buscot, where Summer days are long,
+  The tiny rills and ripples they tremble into song;
+  And where the silver Windrush brings down her liquid gems,
+  There's music in the wavelets she tosses to the Thames.
+
+  The eddies have an air too, and brave it is and blithe;
+  I think I may have heard it that day at Bablockhythe;
+  And where the Eynsham weir-fall breaks out in rainbow spray
+  The Evenlode comes singing to join the pretty play.
+
+  But where I heard that music I cannot rightly tell;
+  I only know I heard it, and that I know full well:
+  I heard a little water, and, oh, the sky was blue,
+  A little water singing as little waters do.
+
+  R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN APOLOGY THAT MADE THINGS WORSE.
+
+We had a fancy-dress ball on December 30th. They have these things in
+nearly all Swiss Hotels and you have to put up with them. As a matter of
+fact Matilda and I enjoyed ourselves. We supped well and danced quite
+often. At 3.30 A.M. we set out for our rooms. We took a lighted candle with
+us to keep us warm as we went. The way to get the most warmth from a candle
+is to sit round it. As the corridor was cold, we sat round the candle
+outside Miss Wortley's room, but this was quite accidental.
+
+We didn't know that she had gone to bed at 10.30 P.M. with the primary
+object of sleeping and the ulterior motive of getting up the next morning
+in time to catch an early train. We weren't to know that she had wasted her
+time from 11 P.M. to 3.25 A.M. listening to a procession of revellers
+retiring to their rooms. We had no suspicion that she was just dozing off
+for the first time when we stopped to warm ourselves. We really made very
+little noise, though we may have laughed just a little. The report which
+has got about, that I tried to climb up the wall to see the time, is
+inaccurate. The clock is not nearly high enough up the wall to render this
+necessary, and I didn't care a button what the time was.
+
+If we had known that the Germans who ought to have been asleep in the room
+opposite to Miss Wortley would come out into the corridor and shout in
+their nasty guttural language, we should probably not have tried to find
+out whether anything was attached to the other end of a piece of tape that
+protruded from under their door. It was quite a long piece of tape, and
+there was something attached to the end of it, though we never found out
+what that something was. Anyway, it was too large to pass under the door,
+though we pulled the tape quite hard. We had just given up our
+investigation and reached our respective rooms when the German family
+arrived in the corridor and commented on the matter.
+
+I can't see that we were really to blame because Miss Wortley suffered from
+insomnia, missed her early train next morning and had to pay an extra half
+franc for having breakfast in her bedroom. She was very unpleasant about it
+and went round telling everybody that we had kept her awake all night. She
+was one of those women who----But there, I don't want to be nasty, and
+anyone who reads this will guess the kind of woman she was.
+
+The next day was New Year's Eve. After dinner we took part in an Ice
+Carnival, then we saw the New Year in, and then we drank practically
+everybody's health. At 2 A.M. I was sitting in the lounge talking to
+Matilda when a kind of peaceful sensation came over me, and I began to be
+sorry that there was any bad feeling between Miss Wortley and us; so I said
+to Matilda, It's New Year's Day and I should like to start it on friendly
+terms with everyone, including Miss Wortley. I think I shall apologise to
+her about last night; we may have been a little thoughtless."
+
+"I don't see what there is to apologise for," said Matilda, "but I suppose
+it can't do any harm and it may help to make things pleasant all round. If
+you're going to apologise I suppose I ought to do the same."
+
+"Come on then," I said.
+
+"Where to?"
+
+"To apologise."
+
+"Don't be absurd; we can't apologise now. We'll apologise to-morrow."
+
+"We might miss her to-morrow, and we ought to do a thing like this without
+delay and as early in the New Year as possible. If I don't do it now, I may
+not feel apologetic later on, and I don't want to go through the year with
+even a tittle of Miss Wortley's insomnia on my conscience."
+
+Matilda seemed rather uncertain about it, but after a time recognised that
+I was right, and we went up to Miss Wortley's room. I had to knock loudly
+on her door before I got any answer, but eventually a sleepy voice said,
+"Come in."
+
+I didn't think that we had better do that, so I knocked again.
+
+"All right, you can bring in the water."
+
+"It isn't exactly your shaving water--in fact it's hardly time to get up
+yet," I shouted.
+
+"What's the matter? Is the place on fire?" I heard sounds as of a person
+getting out of bed, so I said, "You needn't get up, it's only us. We wanted
+to apologise about last night. We're sorry you didn't sleep very well. Of
+course it wasn't altogether our fault, but still we thought that we should
+like to apologise; in fact we didn't feel that we could go to sleep until
+we had apologised; and--and we wanted to wish you a Happy New Year."
+
+I am not sure that I did the thing very well, but I am sure that it would
+have sounded better and that I shouldn't have ended so lamely if Matilda
+hadn't been so tactless as to laugh in the middle. Somehow I got the idea
+that the apology hadn't been accepted in the spirit in which it had been
+tendered. Suspicious sounds came from within, including the click of a
+water jug; also the German family opposite seemed to be under the
+impression that it was time to get up--so we didn't wait to say Good-night,
+but slipped quietly out of the way. Miss Wortley's door and the door
+opposite opened simultaneously. There were two splashes like water thrown
+from jugs, and I fancy that more than one person got wet. It isn't easy to
+discover exactly what is happening when two people are shouting at the tops
+of their voices in different languages, but I didn't gather that they quite
+cleared the matter up to their mutual satisfaction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVERY AUTHOR'S WIFE.
+
+     ["What is the first step towards literary production? It is
+     imperative, if you wish to write with any freshness at all, that you
+     should utterly ruin your digestion."--_H. G. WELLS_.]
+
+  "What have you dined on, husband mine?"
+  "Chocolate creams and ginger wine."
+
+  "What did you take as an appetiser?"
+  "Haggis and Sauerkraut � la Kaiser."
+
+  "Didn't they give you any sweet?"
+  "Hard-boiled eggs and whisky neat."
+
+  "And your fruit, I trust, was over-ripe?"
+  "Doughnuts five with a pound of tripe."
+
+  "Have you had nothing at all since then?"
+  "Lobster and stout." "Then here's your pen,
+
+  "You must do a chapter or two to-night;
+  Have a banana and start to write."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New Anglo-German Entente.
+
+     "Young gentlemen wish young English lady to learn know for the common
+     joint exchange for the language sunday by flying outs Pleasing
+     writing at the office chiffre J. 810."--_Leipziger Neuste
+     Nachrichten._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "NOTICE.
+
+     In order to popularise the Corporation Crematorium, at Crematorium
+     Road, the Corporation have decided as an experimental measure to
+     abolish the fees now charged for the use of the Crematorium for one
+     year."
+
+     _Capital_ (_Calcutta_).
+
+The inducement leaves us cold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Infant Samson.
+
+     "2s. 6d. REWARD will be paid for name of Small Boy who pushed a Cab
+     Horse down in the Station Yard, Teigumouth."
+
+     _Express and Echo_ (_Exeter_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Commercial Candour.
+
+From a Leeds grocer's circular:--
+
+     "A perfection of blending is obtained in ---- Tea, which, upon
+     analysis, is pronounced to be absolutely injurious to health."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HAVE YOU ANY GOLF BALLS GUARANTEED TO GO STRAIGHT?"
+
+"NOT HERE, MADAM. YOU MIGHT TRY THE CONJURING DEPARTMENT--FIRST FLOOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL FILM PLOT.
+
+     [The brisk demand by Cinema companies for new picture-play stories has
+     led many writers of talent to turn their attention to this fascinating
+     branch of literature. Unfortunately they often fail not only to
+     acquire a proper knowledge of the technique of the art, but to take
+     steps to ascertain what the public really wants. With the object of
+     helping authors in both directions we publish below a scenario which
+     has been described by an authority as "the ideal film plot."]
+
+THE FIREBRAND'S REDEMPTION.
+
+_Persons_:
+
+_Ferdinand_, a Cowboy.
+_General Devereux._
+_Phyllis Devereux_, his daughter.
+_Joe_, a soldier.
+_Cowboys_, _miners_, _soldiers_, _Indians_,
+_etc._
+
+
+PART I.
+
+Ferdinand's _headlong career to the Devil is arrested by the beautiful_
+Phyllis Devereux.
+
+FIRST SCENE.--A drinking saloon in the Wild West. Cowboys, miners and
+Western demi-mondaines playing cards at top speed and drinking heavily.
+Enter _Ferdinand_, drunk and carrying a huge revolver in each hand and a
+tomahawk between his teeth. He forces the bar-tender to "hands up" and
+begins shooting down the bottles ranged along the counter. Enter _Phyllis_.
+As soon as _Ferdinand_ sees her he drops the pistols and trembles
+violently. _Phyllis_ regards him searchingly and leaves the saloon.
+_Ferdinand_ follows unsteadily. Projection on screen:--
+
+     --------------------------------
+     | Gee, boys! Ferd's hit, sure! |
+     --------------------------------
+
+SECOND SCENE.--Outside the saloon. _Phyllis_ is seen entering a sumptuous
+motor. _Ferdinand_ falls to his knees, but she disregards him. As the motor
+moves away he prepares to strike himself on the back of the neck with his
+tomahawk, but when the fatal blow is about to fall _Phyllis_ leans over the
+back of the car and blows him a kiss. Enlargement of _Ferdinand's_ face
+working with emotion and finally settling into an expression of immense
+determination. Projection on screen:--
+
+     ---------------------------------
+     | I swear never to drink again! |
+     ---------------------------------
+
+
+PART II.
+
+Ferdinand _is called upon to show himself worthy, but the old Adam
+conquers_.
+
+FIRST SCENE.--Outside _General Devereux's_ tent. Soldiers, Staff Officers,
+etc. _General_ sits in full uniform at a table. Enter _Joe_, a very fat
+soldier. He trips over his rifle, turns a somersault and salutes. The
+_General_ points to the left and _Joe_ goes off. Enter _Phyllis_, who talks
+and gesticulates with feeling. Projection on screen:--
+
+     --------------------
+     | Pop, I love him! |
+     --------------------
+
+Enter _Ferdinand_. Much talk and discussion. Projection on screen:--
+
+     ------------------------------------------
+     | You must prove yourself worthy of her! |
+     ------------------------------------------
+
+The _General_ points dramatically to the left and writes at great speed.
+Projection on screen, in angular/handwriting:--
+
+     ----------------------------------------
+     | Send help at once! We are surrounded |
+     | and in sore straits!--_Devereux._    |
+     ----------------------------------------
+
+He hands paper to _Ferdinand_. Both point dramatically to the left.
+_Phyllis_ leans over her lover's shoulder and reads. All three point
+dramatically to the left.
+
+SECOND SCENE.--A wood. Enter _Joe_, walking cautiously. Suddenly a Red
+Indian in full war paint rushes towards him. _Joe_ turns tail and flies.
+
+THIRD SCENE.--More wood. _Joe_ is seen running at about thirty-five miles
+an hour, pursued by seven Indians.
+
+FOURTH SCENE.--A tract of rocky country. _Joe_ is seen running at about
+fifty-two miles an hour, pursued by fifteen Indians.
+
+FIFTH SCENE.--The bank of a river. _Joe_ is seen running at about
+seventy-eight miles an hour, pursued by twenty-three Indians. He trips over
+a stone and falls into the water. Enter _Ferdinand_ on horseback. He
+dismounts and fires a revolver. Four Indians bite the dust. He fires again.
+Four more Indians bite the dust and the rest fly. _Ferdinand_ shades his
+right eye, peers into the river, dives in and presently reappears with
+_Joe_. The latter feels anxiously in his pockets and produces a flask. He
+hands it to _Ferdinand_, who drinks. Enlargement of _Ferdinand_ drinking.
+
+
+PART III.
+
+Phyllis _again to the rescue_.
+
+FIRST SCENE.--The same. _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ lie on the ground drunk.
+Enter _Phyllis_ disguised as a soldier. Expressive despair. She searches
+_Ferdinand's_ pockets and finds despatch, which is again projected on the
+screen. She points dramatically to the left and looks doubtfully at
+_Ferdinand_. Then she takes out a revolver, averts her eyes and shoots him
+in the shoulder. Projection on screen:--
+
+     ---------------------------------------
+     | They will think he has been wounded |
+     |    by the enemy and will suspect    |
+     |               nothing!              |
+     ---------------------------------------
+
+SECOND SCENE.--A wood. _Phyllis_ on horseback riding at a great pace and
+waving the despatch in her right hand.
+
+
+PART IV.
+
+_All's well that ends well._
+
+FIRST SCENE.--A hospital. _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ lying in cots and attended
+by nurses. _Ferdinand_ signals to _Joe_ and they leap out of bed, gag the
+nurses and tie them up with towels. Then they make a rope of bedclothes and
+climb out of the window.
+
+SECOND SCENE.--Outside the hospital. _Ferdinand_, in pyjamas, is seen
+sliding rapidly down the rope. _Joe_ follows. The rope breaks and he falls
+with a crash to the ground.
+
+THIRD SCENE.--A field, with an aeroplane attended by mechanics standing in
+it. Enter _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ running. They climb into the machine, the
+motor is started and they shoot out of the picture.
+
+FOURTH SCENE.--The sky. An aeroplane flying very high and very fast.
+
+FIFTH SCENE.--A forest. _Phyllis_ is tied to a tree and three Red Indians
+are about to run her through with spears. Suddenly they look upwards as if
+disturbed by some noise. At this moment _Ferdinand_ drops to the ground
+from the top of the picture. He at once shoots the Indians and releases
+_Phyllis_. The latter points dramatically to the right and produces a
+paper. Projection on screen:--
+
+     -------------------------------
+     | 30,000 men will relieve you |
+     | to-morrow!--_Conolly._      |
+     -------------------------------
+
+_Ferdinand_ and _Phyllis_ both point dramatically to the right.
+
+SIXTH SCENE.--Outside the _General's_ tent. Soldiers and Staff Officers as
+before. Enter _Ferdinand_ and _Phyllis_. _Ferdinand_ hands the despatch to
+the _General_. Despatch is again projected on the screen. The _General_
+rises and salutes with much emotion. All present salute, _Ferdinand_ clasps
+_Phyllis_ in his arms to kiss her.
+
+SEVENTH SCENE.--The Kiss--about twenty-five times life-size.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress_ (_discussing housemaid who has given notice_).
+"WELL, OF COURSE, IF SHE WANTS TO GO SHE MUST. BUT IT SEEMS FOOLISH OF HER
+IF HER ONLY REASON IS THAT SHE WANTS A CHANGE. SHE WON'T GET A BETTER PLACE
+THAN THIS."
+
+_Cook._ "THAT'S JUST WHAT I TELL THE SILLY GIRL, MA'AM. 'DEPEND UPON IT,' I
+SAYS TO HER, 'YOU'LL ONLY BE GOING OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN INTO THE FIRE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mr. G. Dyson, who succeeded Mr. W. S. Bambridge as organist at the
+     college a little over two years ago, is leaving to go to Rugby, as
+     organist there. Since he has been at Marlborough Mr. Dyson has given a
+     large number of much-appreciated recitals in the college chapel. The
+     organ is still undergoing repair."--_The Standard._
+
+We make no comment. This is Rugby's affair, not ours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DESPERATE REMEDIES.
+
+COLONEL HERBERT H. ASQUITH (_to Colonel ANDREW B. LAW, on observing that he
+also has taken a leaf out of Lord CLAUD HAMILTON'S book_). "GUESS YOU WON'T
+CUT ANY ICE, BONAR, UNLESS YOU SHAVE THAT MOUSTACHE OFF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 16._--WORTHINGTON EVANS charmed House
+to-day by one of those little delicacies of feeling and taste favoured in
+the assembly. MASTERMAN has met the reward of conspicuous success at the
+Treasury by promotion to Cabinet rank. In his absence his place temporarily
+taken at Question Time by WEDGWOOD BENN, who, while careful to deprecate
+personal responsibility for promise to give 9_d._ for 4_d._, displayed
+remarkable intimacy with intricacies of the Insurance Act. WORTHINGTON
+EVANS, having as usual, after the leisure of a week-end, provided himself
+with collection of conundrums based on its working, knew that when he came
+down to-day he would find MASTERMAN'S seat empty.
+
+Marked the occasion by presenting himself in mourning array--not the
+profoundest black such as _Hamlet_ upon occasion affected, but a prevalence
+of decorous colour provided in what is known in drapers' shops as "The
+Mitigated Affliction Department." An uncompromising black tie was a
+determining note in his attire, testifying to sincere regret at parting
+from a Minister whom for three Sessions he has, so to speak, riddled with
+conundrums.
+
+Insurance Act has suddenly again sprung into prominence. By odd accident
+revival is coincident with couple of by-elections going forward in
+Metropolis. JOYNSON-HICKS much struck by circumstance that announcement of
+scheme under the Act dealing with casual labour at the docks is promulgated
+just now, when election is proceeding in a constituency where there happen
+to be many docks and a multitude of casual labourers who have votes.
+
+BONNER LAW, when he comes to think of it, equally surprised. Would the
+CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER oblige by explaining? As for LORD BOB CECIL, he
+is so perturbed that he momentarily forgets he has leading question to
+address to PREMIER designed to extract secret intention with respect to
+amending Home Rule Bill.
+
+LLOYD GEORGE, always ready to oblige, explains that scheme in question was
+prepared last Autumn, had frequently been referred to by MASTERMAN whilst
+still at the Treasury.
+
+"I am sure," he added, with twinkle in his eye, "we owe a debt of gratitude
+to Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS for calling further attention to the matter at this
+particular moment."
+
+Opposition not to be put off by badinage. Discover in apparently innocent
+accident evidence of that deep-seated tendency to import bribery and
+corruption into by-elections of which one of the Whips was this afternoon
+made a terrible example.
+
+Above and below Gangway Members popped up desiring to put further
+questions. Too much even for patience of SPEAKER. Suggested matter had
+better be raised upon debate.
+
+"Why, cert'nly," said JOYNSON-HICKS.
+
+[Illustration: Lord ROBERT CECIL is "perturbed."]
+
+Accordingly, when at eleven o'clock debate on Address automatically stood
+adjourned, and Members were anxious to get home, the JOCUND JOYNSON turned
+up, and we had it all over again for space of half-an-hour.
+
+_Business done._--ORMSBY-GORE moved amendment expressing regret that, in
+spite of all they had heard to its detriment in Lords and Commons,
+Government intend to proceed with Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill. On
+division amendment negatived by 279 votes against 217. Reduction of normal
+Ministerial majority hailed with delight on Opposition benches.
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday._--"What's this?" SARK asked, looking in at
+half-past four and finding House crowded with throng of strangers blocking
+approaches. "Is it the Land or the Church?"
+
+"Neither," said MARCHAMLEY; "it's Marconi."
+
+"Ah," said SARK, as if that explained everything.
+
+On paper stood motion in name of AMPTHILL for appointment of Select
+Committee to enquire into relation of Lord MURRAY with Marconi business.
+The name, more blessed than Mesopotamia, stirred glad Opposition to
+profoundest depths. Thought it over and done with; and here it was again,
+blooming like the aloe, though after briefer interval. Excitement broke
+through ordinarily ice-bound calm of the House.
+
+Opposition benches crowded to fullest capacity. Privy Councillors and sons
+of Peers jostled each other on steps of Throne. Peeresses flocked down by
+the score. Curious effect of latest fashion in headgear displayed in side
+galleries. Nearly every bonnet--or were they hats?--was loftily plumed with
+black feathers, ominously familiar on hearses. It seemed as if the ladies
+had come to bury C�sar (of Elibank), not to praise or even condemn him.
+
+MURRAY, arriving early, passed the Front Bench, where as ex-Minister he had
+a right to sit. Found a place immediately behind in friendly contiguity to
+former colleagues, Lord CREWE and Lord MORLEY. On stroke of half-past four
+he rose and, producing sheaf of manuscript, began to read. In low voice,
+with slow intonation, he turned over page after page, each scored with
+acknowledgment of contrition and regret for mistakes made. He pleaded that
+"my error, such as it was, was an error of judgment, not of intention." As
+to purchase of American Marconi shares on behalf of the Liberal Party, "I
+have," he said, "myself assumed the burden by taking over these shares at
+the price paid for them at the date of purchase, and, as the House will
+appreciate, at very considerable personal loss."
+
+Throughout ten minutes he was on his legs MURRAY, in unconscious sympathy
+with the hearse plumes that nodded over him from the side gallery at his
+back, spoke in funereal note. In the Commons so frank a confession, so
+ample an apology, would have been accepted with burst of general cheering.
+Shrewd Members know that an assured method of gaining temporary popularity
+is to commit a breach of order and take early opportunity of withdrawing
+anything offensive that may have been said, apologising for anything
+unseemly that may have been done. When, for example, RONALD M'NEILL
+apologised for having chucked at the head of the FIRST LORD OF THE
+ADMIRALTY a book containing rules for preservation of order in debate, he
+was almost rapturously cheered.
+
+Chilliness of the graveyard froze round MURRAY as he read carefully
+prepared statement. When he sat down, faint murmur of applause rose from
+scanty muster on Liberal side. No sound, whether of approval or
+disapproval, broke the stillness of the serried benches opposite.
+
+Effect contagious. LANSDOWNE almost inaudible. CREWE quite so. Strangers at
+back of gallery, hearing no voice and seeing the Noble Lord standing at the
+table nervously wringing his hands and twiddling his fingers, thought he
+was conversing with the LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION by means of the deaf and
+dumb alphabet.
+
+AMPTHILL above these evidences of human weakness. LANSDOWNE in
+characteristically chivalrous manner suggested that motion for Committee
+should be withdrawn, affording opportunity to Noble Lords to consider
+MURRAY'S statement and the best course to be taken upon it. AMPTHILL not
+allured by such considerations. As he shrewdly remarked, if he consented to
+withdraw his motion it could not be revived. All he would consent to was
+not to insist upon proceeding with business at to-day's sitting. Stipulated
+that his opportunity should not be hampered by "unavoidable delay."
+
+On this understanding House adjourned, hoarse plumes in side galleries
+forlornly nodding themselves out.
+
+_Business done._--LLOYD GEORGE at bay in the Commons. His famous Budget
+attacked afresh on motion of Amendment to Address. ANANIAS and SAPPHIRA
+personally mentioned in course of debate. Amendment negatived by 301 votes
+against 213.
+
+_Thursday._--Upon inquiry and reflection LANSDOWNE discovered that in
+matter of proposed Marconi Committee AMPTHILL is in fuller accord with
+opinion of majority on his side of House than himself. Accordingly, adopts
+AMPTHILL'S motion and moves it. CREWE offering no opposition, Committee
+appointed without division.
+
+In Commons, just after 11 o'clock, news came of defeat of MASTERMAN in
+Bethnal Green. Turns out there was more in WORTHINGTON EVANS'S assumption
+of "the inky cloak, good mother" than on Monday met the eye. Boisterous
+scene of exultation in Unionist camp, jubilant cries of "Resign, Resign."
+"Resign!" growled SARK. "Why should WILSON resign a seat just won? It is
+true it was in a three-cornered fight, and by a majority of twenty-four he
+represents minority of electors. But the seat is his, and of course he'll
+keep it."
+
+Curious how obtuse SARK can be upon occasion.
+
+_Business done._--Debate on Address agreed to in Commons. Forthwith set to
+on Estimates. Work cut out till 31st March. After that Home Rule and the
+Deluge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAN FROM BOGOTA.
+
+Lord MURRAY OF ELIBANK (talking); Lord MOBLEY OF BLACKBURN (thinking).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "ON SHROVE TUESDAY, FEB. 24,
+
+     COOK'S FAST DAY EXCURSIONS TO BIRMINGHAM"
+
+     _Midland Railway Leaflet._
+
+The rest of us take our first "fast day," as usual, on Ash Wednesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CANAL.
+
+     [_An attempt to express in futuristic "verse" the emotions aroused by
+     a futuristic painting bearing the above title._]
+
+  Mud, sedimentary, coffee-colour,
+  And here a wedge, a sharp, keen, thrustful triangularity,
+  And squares that writhe in painful green,
+  Calling, clamouring--O venerable shade of EUCLID.
+  Back in the ages, dusty, maculated,
+  Across the slate-hued fogs of time,
+  Behold them!--oblongs of sliding water
+  And cubed banks,
+  Bridges and barges, blatantly, wonderfully, inconceivably angular,
+  Calling, clamouring--canal, canal, canal!
+  Out on the sea, restive and sloppy,
+  A waste of salinity,
+  So they aver,
+  There are ships with masts, sails, halyards,
+  Spankers, booms and things;
+  There are lobsters and jellyfish--not here.
+  Nothing here but illimitable mysteries,
+  Baffling unknowledgeableness,
+  Fathomless, fainting from square to square,
+  Oblongs and nosey triangles, ever so nosey,
+  Shapes rhomboidal, perchance rhombohedral--who knows?
+  Puce and mustard-tinted--delicate,
+  Oh, most delicate the mustard!--
+  And russet, cadaverous pink,
+  They mingle, compaginate,
+  And their voices mingle,
+  They call me out of the frame,
+  They call,
+  Thinly and crazily,
+  Canal, canal, canal--slimy, crawly-crawly water!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "LITERARY.
+
+     FREE.--Our 160-page book, 'Hints for Home Decorators,' will be sent
+     free on receipt of 1-1/2d. for postage. Full instructions on painting,
+     staining, graining, varnishing, enamelling, stencilling, gilding,
+     colour-washing, how to mix paints, colours, inks, dyes, and scores of
+     valuable recipes."
+
+     _Daily Citizen._
+
+Now we know where our novelists get their local colour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Rector_ (_thanking all who have contributed to the success
+of the bazaar_). "AND AS FOR LADY BLANK, I SHOULD NOT LIKE TO TELL YOU WHAT
+_SHE_ HAS DONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DEADLY BUTTON.
+
+We do not know whether the following incident occurred at Signor BEN
+TROVATO'S famous restaurant on Fifth Avenue or not, but feel impelled, at
+any rate, to quote it as a warning, on the authority of _The Globe_ of
+February 19th, and _The New York American_:--
+
+"Giving a well-satisfied sigh after dinner a Pittsburg man burst a button
+off his waistcoat. It split in two. One half hit another man, with whom he
+was dining, in the eye. As a result his _vis-�-vis_ may lose the sight of
+his eye. The other half struck the convivo in the cheek, cutting the
+flesh."
+
+This new and hitherto unsuspected possibility in ballistics must be rightly
+directed and also guarded against. There will be danger from the opposite
+side of the table at City dinners at about the tenth course and onwards,
+unless the wary guest can screen himself from the Corporation behind a
+laager of fruit-dishes and substantial ornaments.
+
+If two gourmets fall out over the respective merits of their favourite
+_entremets_, the remedy is now easy. There is the duel by button. Each of
+the principals, seconded by his particular waiter, after carefully taking
+his opponent's range and bearings, will suspire and hit him in the eye. The
+more replete combatant, having the greater equatorial velocity, will
+probably win, but the tailor can do a good deal towards securing a flat
+trajectory and freedom from swerve.
+
+At Christmas dinners, Tommy, when adequately charged, can challenge a rival
+amateur of plum-pudding to a rally over the dessert, instead of expending
+his horse-power over crackers. A little training, of course, would be
+needed to secure a combine fusillade.
+
+It is only right to add that evening-dress waistcoats are henceforward to
+come under those sections of the Geneva Convention which relate to missiles
+and explosives. No soft-nosed buttons, or studs which are liable to
+"bunch," are to be allowed. A special regulation further requires that
+persons more than fifty inches in circumference, and fire-eaters who have
+already marked their men, shall dine by themselves, or at any rate only at
+a high table where there is no _vis-�-vis_. And page-boys are to be
+compelled to use hooks-and-eyes, unless they are engaged for a wedding or
+funeral salvo.
+
+ZIG-ZAG.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Plural Voter.
+
+     "At the Wilmot-street Schools ... the credit of being first fell to a
+     well-known resident--a stone-mason by craft.... There was no mistaking
+     the colour of his political opinions. He voted for Major Sir Mathew
+     Wilson."--_Evening News._
+
+     "'I am going to be the first man in England who ever voted at 7 a.m.,'
+     said an enthusiastic workman at the Wilmot-street Station as he fell
+     in with the opening of the front door. He voted for
+     Masterman."--_Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A message recently sent to a New Zealand chemist:
+
+     "Please give the little girl a plaster for a man that a piece of wood
+     blew off a shed and hit him in the rib."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "BAY GELDING, 5 years, 16 h.p., up to 13 stone; hunted up to date;
+     good performer and temperate; quiet with road nuisances; 30 gs."
+
+Thirty guineas for a 16 horse-power horse is absurd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"HELEN WITH THE HIGH HAND."
+
+There is great entertainment at the Vaudeville for the admirers of Mr.
+NORMAN MCKINNEL, among whom I propose to count myself whenever, as so
+rarely happens, he takes an evening off from his tyrannical methods--seldom
+very edifying when a woman is the victim. As the gentleman says in one of
+OSCAR WENDELL HOLMES'S books, "_Quoiqu'elle soit tr�s solidement mont�e, it
+ne faut pas brutaliser la machine_." Here it is true that Mr. MCKINNEL
+started out on his familiar courses, but he soon found that he had to do
+with his match; that _Helen's_ hand was always a little higher than his
+own. And, even when we saw him at his most dogmatic, the fact that the
+question of sex, in its physical aspects, did not enter into their
+relations--he was only her step-great-uncle--saved us from a great deal of
+uneasiness. In all his moods, whether of blustering self-assertion or
+reluctant surrender, of canny craft or protesting generosity, Mr. MCKINNEL
+was equally admirable.
+
+[Illustration: THE HIGH HAND.
+
+_Helen Rathbone_    Miss NANCY PRICE.
+
+_James Ollerenshaw_ Mr. NORMAN MCKINNEL.]
+
+The local atmosphere of the Five Towns was established with less delay over
+detail than is customary in this kind. There was a lot of tea-drinking, I
+admit, but no doubt this beverage plays a strong part in the social life of
+the Potteries. There was also much handling of domestic provisions--streaky
+bacon, cheese, and so forth--but all this was proper enough in a play that
+largely turned upon the changes in an old celibate's _m�nage_. But in the
+main it was a comedy of character, a struggle between youth and crabbed
+age, in which the younger will and the quicker wit prevailed. As we first
+see him, _James Ollerenshaw_ is a crusty, browbeating, misogynist, hoarding
+his wealth, content with a mean habit of life, and convinced that nobody
+can get the better of him. As we see him at the end he is a tamed man,
+dependent on female protection against the wiles of a designing widow, and
+established, at great cost, with his niece in the noble and ancient mansion
+of her desire. There were subsidiary love-episodes, of course, but these,
+though novel in some particulars, were relatively perfunctory. The
+character of _James Ollerenshaw_ was the real matter of resistance.
+
+Miss NANCY PRICE'S _Helen_ was a very probable performance. For myself I
+found her a little too minx-eyed for my taste, but no doubt this was part
+of the right Pottery touch. Minor characters were all brightly played, Miss
+MI�LE MAUND being particularly happy as a garrulous young girl in the first
+flush of an engagement, who subsequently throws over her violent _fianc�_
+on the ground that "she could never marry a man who pushes people into
+lakes." Even the _vieux jeu_ of the designing widow took on a certain
+freshness in the robust bands of Miss ROSINA FILIPPI.
+
+[Illustration: MODES FROM "THE POTTERIES."
+
+What Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S ladies wear to-day Vienna wears to-morrow.
+
+_Lilian Swetnam_  Miss MI�LE MAUND.]
+
+I am in the fortunate position of having yet to read Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S
+novel, from which Mr. PRYCE'S comedy has been adapted, and am therefore
+free to treat the play itself on what I take to be its merits. It may be
+that the adapter assumed in us a little previous knowledge of the history
+of _Helen's_ love affair, or that at least there was an obscurity about her
+past that wanted clearing up by retrospective illumination; but that is my
+only possible criticism; and I heartily congratulate the Vaudeville
+management on having at last discovered a play that promises to reward
+their enterprise.
+
+Not suspecting that there would be a change of hours after the second
+night, I arrived on the third night punctually at 8, to find that the
+performance was announced to begin at 8.30. Punctually at that hour I
+returned, to find that it did not commence till 9; that in the meantime I
+was to assist at a song-and-talk recital of which no threat had been
+published. My quarrel is not with Mr. FREDERIC NORTON who did it, though
+his clever entertainment began with some songs about fishes and things that
+might have warmed a Penny Readings' audience but left me bitterly cold. My
+complaint is of a wasted hour and a bolted dinner. I mention it only to
+prove that, whatever the provocation he has suffered, a Dramatic Critic is
+incapable of prejudice.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+     "ALBANIA'S NEW RULER
+
+     HOW PRINCE WILLIAM WILL ENTER HIS KINGDOM.
+
+     +FOUR+"
+
+     _Westminster Gazette._
+
+Looping the loop on all fours?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Shooting on the river Doe, in Kirkcudbrightshire, Colonel Kennaway,
+     Greenlaw, shot a fine specimen of the male gadwall, a comparatively
+     rare visitor."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+Col. KENNAWAY (_to deceased male gadwall_). "That'll teach you to be so
+beastly rare."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The Wigan County Licensing Sessions were held yesterday.
+     Superintendent Kelly stated that fifty-four persons had been proceeded
+     against for drunkenness, an increase of 124 over last
+     year."--_Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+Superintendent KELLY should join the Government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "A recital was given yesterday afternoon by Dr. Walter Alcock, who
+     bears the title of organist and composer to His Majesty's Chapels
+     Royal, and assistant organist of Westminster Abbey, and happens to be
+     also an organist of exceptional attainments."
+
+     _Yorkshire Post._
+
+The luck of Royalty is proverbial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "WELSH PROFESSIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.
+
+     Milward, after compiling a break of 73, failed at a very easy shot,
+     otherwise the contribution might have been higher."
+
+     _Sportsman._
+
+It would seem certain, but--you never can tell with these wily Welshmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wealthy Visitor._ "_YOU_ 'ARD UP! WOT DO _YOU_ DO TO MAKE
+YOU 'ARD UP? I NEVER 'EAR OF YOU GETTIN' A CAR FOR �2,000 AS _I_'VE JUST
+DONE, OR BUYIN' YOUR WIFE �3,000 WORTH O' JOOLREY AS _I_ DID LAST WEEK, OR
+SENDIN' YOUR BOY A 'UNDED POUNDS-WORTH O' MECHANICAL TOYS AS _I_ 'AVE THIS
+MORNIN'. YOU'VE 'AD BREAD AND CHEESE AND _I_'VE STOOD SIX JOLLY FELLERS A
+CHAMPAGNE LUNCH--'OW CAN _YOU_ BE 'ARD UP?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DANGER SIGNAL.
+
+     ["I think moods and colours are related to one another. For instance,
+     you have to feel very happy and well to enjoy rose-pink."
+
+     _Miss GLADYS COOPER._]
+
+  Dear, did the afternoon seem dull and dreary?
+    Sweet, did you murmur as the tears fell thick--
+  "My true love cometh not and I am weary;
+          This is a dirty trick"?
+
+  Hear my excuse. With laudable precision
+    I reached our rendezvous full early, but
+  When you appeared in view, a rose-pink vision,
+          I really had to cut.
+
+  For oh! your costume made me apprehensive;
+    That colour-scheme which caused my eyes to blink
+  Proved you in joyous vein, while I was pensive
+          And in no mood for pink.
+
+  I wanted converse with the gentle lily
+    And not the rose with all its flaunting show,
+  Someone to stroke my hand and call me "Willie"
+          In accents soft and low.
+
+  If we had met, your gaiety had grieved me;
+    There had been bitter back-chat to and fro;
+  And so I stole away ere you perceived me;
+          Dear, it was better so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For all Tastes.
+
+     "Number of births on the 28th instant 16; number of rats trapped on
+     the 29th instant 273."--_The Said Gazette._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EXPERT IN EXCELSIS.
+
+The invitation to Mr. ARTHUR BROCK, the well-known pyrotechnist, to express
+his opinion of STRAVINSKY'S orchestral fantasia, "Fireworks," on the
+occasion of its second performance at Queen's Hall on the 28th inst., has,
+we are delighted to learn, been fruitful of a series of similar
+invitations, not only in the sphere of music but also in the domain of art
+and letters.
+
+Thus we understand that the place of the ordinary musical critic of _The
+Times_ will be taken at the next performance of _Parsifal_ by Mr. WATERER,
+the great floricultural expert, and Mr. DEVANT, the eminent conjurer, with
+a view to their contributing their impressions of the flower maidens and
+the methods of the magician _Klingsor_ respectively.
+
+Similarly, on the occasion of the next representation of WAGNER'S _Flying
+Dutchman_ at Covent Garden, a signed criticism by the Chief Locomotive
+Superintendent of the Great Western Railway will appear in the pages of our
+contemporary.
+
+The practice, which it is hoped will lend additional brightness to the
+vivacious criticisms of _The Times_, is not to be confined to Opera. The
+ASTRONOMER-ROYAL will be asked to record his impressions of BEETHOVEN'S
+"Moonlight Sonata", and the officials of our leading lightships will be
+asked to report upon PARRY'S "Blest Pair of Sirens."
+
+The application of the new method to literature promises to be equally
+interesting. It is an open secret that Messrs. GUNTER have been permanently
+retained by _The Pastry-cook's Gazette_ to review all books dealing with
+the Glacial Epoch, Ice-action and Arctic Exploration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHARACTER.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Under the title of "A Bygone" you recently published the
+tale of a certain estimable butler and his one lapse, during many years'
+service, into alcoholism. This reminds me of the shorter and sharper
+history of our own James, who came to our Northern home on a Monday
+afternoon and left upon the following morning.
+
+For his chief characteristics be referred us, on application, to the
+opinion of a (Mrs.) Elizabeth Brown, of "The Cottage," Bamston, near
+Maidstone, Kent, who, he said, knew more about him than anybody else, and
+would take him back into her service later if need and opportunity arose.
+This opinion described him briefly but emphatically as honest, sober and
+willing. By way of the usual caution we wrote to this good lady direct and
+asked her to be so kind as to elaborate her views to us in confidence. In
+reply she wrote that James had been with her for eleven years on and off,
+had left her only because she was leaving "The Cottage," would be welcomed
+back by her when she settled down again, and meanwhile was very honest,
+very sober and very willing. There was that about the handwriting and style
+of this letter which made us feel that the writer might not be one of the
+old _noblesse_, but was, at any rate, a kindly, sensible and acute old
+body, who knew now and always what she was talking about. Moreover it
+indicated, but did not actually state, that the man had come to be regarded
+in the writer's household with feelings more friendly than those usually
+found between employer and employ�: always, we thought, a strong
+recommendation of an old servant. On the strength of this correspondence we
+decided to give him a trial at least.
+
+There was nothing peculiar about his appearance, except the suggestion of a
+secret sorrow, which was no business of ours. His willingness was at once
+apparent: our house being full for a hunt ball there was plenty of work for
+him to do, but even so he found time between tea and dinner to put in a
+preliminary polish of the silver, which, he told us, was his chief joy in
+life, or rather one of them. Moreover he refused to go to bed until our
+return from the ball, timed not to be earlier than 4 A.M., and insisted
+that he would sit up for us.
+
+We drove off after dinner without a qualm; for, though my wife declares
+that she detected a suspicious smell of spirits as he put the carriage rug
+over her, unhappily she did not think to mention this till the next day.
+When we got back in the small hours we found that, in accordance with his
+promise, he had indeed not gone to bed. There he was unmistakably in the
+hall. But he wasn't sitting up.... No.... Rather, he was lying down, back
+uppermost.... So much for his sobriety.
+
+We resolved to show no mercy. Having promised to drive Captain Merriman,
+one of our guests, to the station to catch the early train to London, I was
+myself up betimes to see the sinful James also off the premises. His
+sorrow, no longer secret, was very manifest; it was a cold wet morning; it
+required some strength of mind to cast the fellow adrift and leave him to
+find his own way, with bag and baggage, to oblivion. But I did it.
+
+One does not leave much margin of time on these occasions, and it was not
+long afterwards that we followed in the dog-cart; nor had we got far on our
+road before we espied the back of James ahead of us--one of the saddest
+backs I have ever seen. He had still four miles to go to the station; his
+bag was obviously not light; he looked as if he would not get four more
+yards without collapsing; no doubt he had had an exhaustive night; finally,
+even that stern disciplinarian, Merriman, took pity. So, "Jump up behind,
+you old blackguard," I called to him as I drew up alongside, and up he
+climbed, cling-to his seedy bag and protesting that this was very much more
+than he deserved.
+
+As to his honesty you, Sir, must judge. The police doubted it from the
+start, and their experience led them to be sure that the reference was
+forged, that there was no "Cottage" and no Elizabeth Brown. No doubt he had
+managed to get our letter delivered to him and had forged an answer to
+that. On all points they were wrong and James was correct. There was "The
+Cottage" all right, very much a cottage; it had been vacated by the tenant,
+not voluntarily (who ever said it had?) but by reason of arrears of six
+weeks' rent, at 5_s._ 6_d._ per week. The tenant's name was truly Elizabeth
+Brown, though she was more commonly known as Old Bess, and she was the one
+person to know all about our James, being his wife. And we've no reason to
+doubt that she has taken him back into her service and was very glad to do
+it too.
+
+In short, I cannot claim that James lied to us in any particular. So much
+for his honesty. As far as dishonesty was involved in the matter of the
+bag, I am not in a position to complain of that, seeing that it was by my
+agency alone that that bag got to the station, and it was at my expense
+that our local porter deposited, _inter alia_, my wife's much valued
+Georgian tea service and spoons in the London train, just about the time
+that the theft of them was being discovered at home. Under the guilty
+circumstances I prefer to remain
+
+Your anonymous
+
+CORRESPONDENT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MINKI-POO
+
+(SHUTTING ONE EYE).
+
+  I watch you, while the firelight glare
+    Strews flick'ring fancies round the hall,
+  Replete, with what exotic fare
+    No watcher by The Wall
+    Had ever thought to line himself withal.
+
+  And, as I mark the locks that weave
+    A curtain for your eyes of flame,
+  I sometimes think if you'd a sleeve
+    To help you in the game,
+    You'd find a laugh or two to fill the same.
+
+  For She in whose grey eyes there springs
+    Ruth for the lowliest and the least
+  Proclaims you heir of countless kings,
+    An emblem from the East
+    Of inward beauty in the outward beast.
+
+  She says you miss the sidewise roll
+    Of palanquins in Something-Chang,
+  Or sigh for little bells that toll
+    Beside the Si-kiang,
+    And dream-dogs of your old Celestial gang.
+
+  For me, I think that tiny heart
+    Bears no such Oriental load;
+  Your dreams concern no Pekoe mart
+    Nor mandarin's abode,
+    But some dim purlieu of the Edgware Road.
+
+  Well, young pretender, have your fling!
+    Though Fate forbade you to adorn
+  The pompous pedigree of Ming,
+    No particle of scorn
+    Shall ever fall upon the Briton born!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It was contended that the captain had been placed in circumstances of
+     exceptional difficulty. The solicitor for the Board of Trade said that
+     between six and seven hundred pilgrims from Mecca swarmed on to the
+     ship at Beyrouth to return to Morocco."
+
+     _Westminster Gazette._
+
+Another result of the expiry of the WAGNER copyrights?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "She went out rather quickly by the door, but none of them
+     laughed."--_From "The Cheerful Christian," by DAVID LYALL, in "The
+     British Weekly."_
+
+She must try the window next time, and then, if they still won't laugh, the
+chimney.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Irate Gentleman._ "WHEN I 'ITS A MAN, 'E REMEMBERS
+IT."
+
+_Second Irate Gentleman._ "WELL, WHEN I 'ITS ONE, 'E DON'T."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_The Golden Barrier_ (METHUEN) was an affair of sovereigns, and the way of
+it was this. _Magdalen Tempest_, the heroine, had been left by her late
+father the mistress of many fine houses, and stacks and stacks of money.
+She had inherited also a disagreeable but honest butler, an aunt who was
+even more disagreeable but not honest, and an agent who was--well, who was
+the hero of the book. She had further gathered to herself a crowd of
+hangers-on more or less artistic, and all given to requiring small
+temporary loans. One of them, however, was a professed social reformer, a
+bold bad man of doubtful extraction, who was leagued with the aunt in a
+plan to marry _Magdalen_ to himself and secure control of the cash. So
+_Magdalen_ gave a Venetian Carnival in her great house, and it came on to
+thunder, and she found herself alone in a gondola with the painter
+(favourite hanger-on), who attempted, too vigorously, to improve the
+shining hour, and it was all rather awkward, when--romantically opportune
+arrival of the hero (name of _Denvers_), who flung the painter into the
+lake, clasped the heroine in his manly arms, married her and lived
+happy----No. That is where you are too hasty. There remained still the
+Golden Barrier. For, after an interlude of bliss, back came the intriguing
+aunt, the social reformer and all the crowd (save the submerged artist) and
+began to accuse _Denvers_ of living on his wife's cheque-book. How it ends
+you must find out. If you object that there is very little in all this to
+suggest the spirit of fine romance which you have learnt to associate with
+the names of AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE, I can only say that (while my rough
+synopsis does no justice to some pleasant characterization) I myself
+greatly prefer these two writers in their earlier and brocaded mood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It seems to me that Mr. FRANCIS BRETT-YOUNG has done quite a distinguished
+piece of work in _Deep Sea_ (SECKER). I have not cared to miss a paragraph
+of it and have certainly carried away an unusually vivid memory of that
+unnamed West-country fishing-town which he has so cleverly peopled with his
+creatures--with poor, simple, introspective _Jeffrey Kenar_, fisherman that
+was, looking at life through the oddly refracting medium of his window of
+old glass, and all but seeing visions; comely, bitter _Nesta_, his wife;
+simple, loyal _Reuben_, _Jeffrey's_ friend, whose rejection of _Nesta
+Kenar's_ overmastering passion turns her love to hate; _Reuben's_ gentle
+wife, _Ruth_; and that sleek mortgagee, _Silley_, for whom men like
+_Reuben_ toil that he may grow fat, nominally owning their vessels,
+actually in heavy bondage to their shrewd exacting masters. There are dark
+and deep waters of passion swirling in and out of these simple lives, and
+the author, whose method is broadly impressionist rather than meticulously
+realistic, contrives cleverly to suggest that what he imagines has in fact
+been closely observed. He can make and tell a story and he can marshal
+words with a certain magic. The tragedy ends peacefully with the resolution
+of the too bitter discord of _Nesta's_ hate in love of the child of the man
+she had wrongfully and vainly desired. A book to be read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Amongst the makers of what might be called, without in this case any
+disparagement, the commercial short story, I think I should place Mr. P. G.
+WODEHOUSE as easily my favourite. The comfortable anticipation that is
+always mine on observing his name on the contents page of a popular
+magazine has been renewed by the sight of it attached to a collection of
+tales in volume form and called, after the first of them, _The Man
+Upstairs_ (METHUEN). You must not expect a detailed criticism. All I can
+promise you is that, if you are a Wodehouseite, you will find here the
+author at his delightful best. He is winged and doth range. The heroes of
+these tales include (I quote from the cover) "a barber, a gardener, a
+play-writer, a tramp, a waiter, a golfer, a stockbroker, a butler, a bank
+clerk, an assistant master at a private school, a Peer's son and a Knight
+of the Round Table." So there you are; and, if you don't see what you want
+in the window, you must be hard to please. Personally, I fancy I would give
+my vote for the play-writing stories. "_Experientia_," as _Mrs. Micawber's_
+late father used to observe, "_does it_"; and here I have the feeling that
+the author is upon tried ground. But not one of the collection will bore
+you; there is about them all too nice a deftness, too happy a gift of
+phrase. I am told by the publishers that the American public fully shares
+my approval of this engaging craftsman. It shows their sense. But, if there
+is any threat of removing Mr. WODEHOUSE permanently to the other side of
+the Atlantic, where already he goes far too much, my guinea shall head any
+public subscription to retain him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Punctilious Burglar._ "SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, GUV'NOR, BUT
+_WOULD_ YOU MIND LETTING ME HAVE THE THRIPPENCE FOR YOUR SHARE OF THE
+INSURANCE STAMP? THIS IS THE FIRST JOB I'VE HAD THIS WEEK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In an extremely able but peculiarly unpleasant book, _The Questing Beast_
+(SECKER), I think that Miss IVY LOW makes two serious mistakes. "Tell her,"
+writes the heroine to a friend after the first of two irregular love
+affairs, "that I thought, 'I am not that kind of girl,' and tell her that
+there is no 'sort of girl,' and that life is a sea and human beings must
+catch hold of life-buoys to keep them afloat." To this it may be answered,
+however, that there _is_ "that kind of girl," and that _Rachel Cohen was_
+"that kind of girl," and that it is a kind which deliberately rejects
+life-buoys when flung out to them. The second mistake, as it seems to me,
+in a novel which is in many ways a very clever piece of realism, is a
+strong feminist or, at any rate, anti-masculine bias. Against the cunning
+dissection of the character of _Charles Giddey_, a worthless and conceited
+egotist, I have no complaint to make. It is one of the best things of its
+kind that I have read for a long time. But it seems unlikely, to say the
+least, that the heroine, after being deserted by the man she really loves,
+should, considering her very erotic and unprincipled temperament, find
+complete happiness in the publication of a successful novel and in devotion
+to her child. I feel that on a nature like that of _Rachel Cohen_ even
+Royalties and Press notices would eventually pall. And in pausing I may
+remark that the beast _Glatisant_ cuts a very episodic and unsatisfactory
+figure in the _Morte D'Arthur_. Pursued for a short while by _Sir
+Palamides_ in his Paynim days, it scarcely comes into the cognisance of
+KING ARTHUR'S Court and the Table Round. And I fancy that the circulating
+libraries will feel the same about "_The Questing Beast_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do not think that I can recall any novel that makes such insistent
+demands upon the weather as does Miss JOAN SUTHERLAND'S _Cophetua's Son_
+(MILLS AND BOON). The sun, the rain, the wind, the snow--these are from the
+first page to the last at their intensest, wildest, brightest, most
+furious, and as I closed the book and looked out upon a day of monotonous
+drizzle I thanked Heaven for the English climate. But I imagine that Miss
+SUTHERLAND was aware that nothing but the most vigorous of climatic
+conditions would afford a true background for her hero's tempestuous soul.
+_Lucien de Guise_ was unfortunate enough to be the son of a flower-girl,
+and I had no idea, until Miss SUTHERLAND made it plain to me, how terrible
+his friends and the members of the smartest of London's clubs--"Will's, a
+place of great historic interest and brilliant reputation, developing
+gradually into one of the most exclusive clubs in London, and very strictly
+limited in numbers"--held so ignominious an origin. There is a scene in
+Will's where _Colonel Maclean_, "a handsome man and a famous soldier,"
+expels _M. de Guise_ "with a perceptible degree of asperity" in his
+voice--a scene that does the greatest credit to Miss SUTHERLAND'S
+imagination. Indeed, I am afraid that Miss SUTHERLAND'S ambition to write a
+really dramatic story has driven her into incredibilities of atmosphere, of
+incident, and of character. _M. de Guise_, with his flashing, gleaming
+eyes, his love of liqueurs, his passion for smashing the most priceless of
+Nankin vases whenever he sees them, is, surveyed under these grey English
+skies, an unreal figure, and his world, I am afraid, too brightly coloured
+to be convincing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "RULER wanted for Ireland (N.S.); good wages, permanency to competent,
+     reliable man.--Full particulars to Box 167, Daily News,
+     Manchester."--_Daily News._
+
+Don't reply to it, Mr. REDMOND. It is not in your line. It is a printer's
+advertisement, merely.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The accident caused great excitement in the neighbourhood. A large
+     crowd quickly gathered, and several medical men were hurried to the
+     sport."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+Those well-known surgeons, _Mr. Robert Sawyer_ and _Mr. Benjamin Allen_,
+enjoyed it most.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "A new French revue, entitled 'C'est Bon' (literally, 'It's Top-hole')
+     is to be produced on Monday week."--_Evening News._
+
+Or, more roughly, "That's good."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a catalogue of characters assumed at a Mayoral Fancy Dress Ball we are
+informed by _The Birmingham Daily Mail_ that Professor and Mrs.
+SONNENSCHEIN figured as "Socrates and Christian Thippe." Poor old pagan
+XANTHIPPE! SOCRATES is well avenged.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, February 25, 1914, by Various
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+February 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 7, 2007 [EBook #23760]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<hr /><p class="center">Transcriber's Note:  Typo "Professsor" changed to "Professor" in the last paragraph of the last page.  <u>Underlining</u> was used to indicate where text appeared upside down in the original.</p><hr />
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 146.</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<h2>FEBRUARY 25, 1914.</h2>
+
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/141.png"><img width="100%" src="images/141.png" alt="" /></a><h3>CLOSE OF THE COURSING SEASON.</h3></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span><h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The German Crown Prince</span> has the
+mumps. It seems that his Imperial
+Father was not consulted in the matter
+beforehand, and further domestic differences
+are anticipated.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">King Sisovath</span> of Cambodia, we
+learn from <i>Le Petit Journal</i>, was so
+pleased with a white elephant sent him
+by the Governor-General of French
+Indo-China that he has raised the
+animal&mdash;a fine female&mdash;to the dignity
+of a Princess. The news soon got
+about, and considerable jealousy is felt
+at our Zoo, where there is not so much
+as even a baronet among the inmates.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>General <span class="sc">von Plettenburgh</span>, commanding
+the Prussian Guards Corps,
+has issued a decree against the wearing
+of the so-called "tooth-brush" moustache,
+pointing out that such an
+appendage is unsuitable for a Prussian
+soldier and "not consonant with the
+German national character." The implication
+is very unpleasant.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"It is generally reported," says a
+contemporary, "that Sir <span class="sc">Edward Grey</span>
+speaks no German, and French very
+badly. <span class="sc">M. Venizelos</span>, the Greek
+Prime Minister, declared that he had
+the greatest difficulty in understanding
+Sir <span class="sc">Edward's</span> French." As a matter
+of fact a little bird tells us that on this
+occasion our Foreign Secretary was
+speaking Greek.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Mr. Asquith," said <i>The Times</i>,
+"in a massage to the Liberal candidate
+for South Bucks, emphasizes the prime
+importance of the Irish issue." There
+is, of course, nothing like massage for
+rubbing things in.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Herr <span class="sc">Ballin</span>, head of the Hamburg-American
+Line, and Herr <span class="sc">Heineken</span>,
+head of the rival North-German Lloyd
+Company, came to London last week,
+and are said to have concluded peace
+in the Atlantic rate war. We understand
+that the arrangement is to be
+known as the Pool of London.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The authorities at Barotse, <i>The Globe</i>
+tells us, have put a price on the heads
+of all lions there. One can picture the
+mean sportsman, with a pair of field-glasses,
+picking out the cheapest before
+firing.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>"61,000 <span class="sc">Territorials Short</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Mail.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Still, it is pretty generally recognised
+now that a small man may make every
+bit as good a soldier as a big one, and,
+besides, there is always less of him to hit.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Among the temporary teachers appointed
+to carry on schools in Herefordshire
+during the teachers' strike was
+an asylum attendant. This confirms
+the report that many of the children
+were mad at finding that the schools did
+not close in consequence of the strike.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is denied that the name of the
+Philharmonic Hall, where Mr. <span class="sc">Ponting's</span>
+moving pictures of the Antarctic
+Expedition are being shown, is to be
+changed to the Philmharmonic Hall.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Richard Strauss's</span> new work, dealing
+with the story, of <span class="sc">Joseph</span> and <span class="sc">Potiphar's</span>
+wife, is to be produced shortly
+in Paris. A musical play version of it,
+entitled "After the Man," may be
+looked for here.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>From Rome comes the news that a
+young man who was being examined
+in a hospital there has been found to
+have two separate stomachs. This
+announcement that the ideal man has
+at last been evolved has caused the
+greatest excitement here in Corporation
+circles.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">"LYCEUM CLUB.<br />
+<span class="sc">100 years of peace.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Surely a record for a lady's club?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Change of Name.<br />
+from<br />
+Jacob Galba Iwushuku-Bright<br />
+to<br />
+Galba Iwuchuku Olukotun</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Sierra Leone Weekly News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We notice no improvement.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Commercial Candour.</h2>
+
+<p>Notice in a shop window at Reading:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Try &mdash;&mdash;'s Sausages: none like 'em</span>."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span><h2>CIVIL WAR ESTIMATES.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>A Ministerial Apology.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Your talk is vanity, you who lightly vouch</p>
+<p class="i2">That we, indifferent to the country's call, shun</p>
+<p>A crisis under which the People crouch</p>
+<p class="i2">Like <span class="sc">Damocles</span> beneath the pendent falchion;</p>
+<p>That from our minds, incredibly deluded,</p>
+<p class="i6">Ulster is still excluded.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>It is not so. All day (between our meals)</p>
+<p class="i2">We find this topic really most attractive;</p>
+<p>In watches of the night it often steals</p>
+<p class="i2">Into our waking dreams, and keeps us active,</p>
+<p>Like sportsmen whom the rude mosquito chases,</p>
+<p class="i6">Trying to save our faces.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>But we have other tasks, and "Duty First"</p>
+<p class="i2">Must be our cry before we yield to Pleasure;</p>
+<p>Our Annual Estimates must be rehearsed</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere more alluring themes engage our leisure;</p>
+<p>The Budget's claims are urgent; Ulster's fate</p>
+<p class="i6">Can obviously wait.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Besides, no Government should go to war</p>
+<p class="i2">Without the wherewithal to pay for forage,</p>
+<p>For ammunition and a Flying Corps</p>
+<p class="i2">And cann&eacute;d meats to stimulate the courage;</p>
+<p>And this applies, as far as we can tell,</p>
+<p class="i6">To civil wars as well.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>For, though our foes confine us to a sphere</p>
+<p class="i2">Of relatively narrow operations,</p>
+<p>We are advised that they may cost us dear,</p>
+<p class="i2">And therefore, in our coming calculations,</p>
+<p>As Trustees of the Race we dare not miss</p>
+<p class="i6">To estimate for this.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Hence these delays&mdash;all carefully thought out.</p>
+<p class="i2">But when from hibernation we emerge on</p>
+<p>The vernal prime and things begin to sprout,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our Ulster policy shall also burgeon;</p>
+<p>With sap of April coursing through our blood</p>
+<p class="i6">We too shall burst in bud.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>O. S.</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE GREAT RESIGNER.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>A Forecast.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>March, 1914.</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>Mr. <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span> describes Mr. <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>
+as "brother to the middle-aged sea-serpent from the
+County Clare."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">John Redmond</span> denies that he is a sea-serpent.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span>, having denounced this denial
+as "the last effort of a defeated dastard," resigns his seat
+for Cork City.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> is re-elected without a contest.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>April, 1914.</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>Mr. <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span> in an impassioned speech advocates
+conciliation all round in Ireland, and refers to Mr.
+<span class="sc">John Redmond</span> as "a moth-eaten, moss-gathering malingerer
+of unparalleled ferocity."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> is seen to smile.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span>, declaring that he has never been so
+much insulted in his life, resigns his seat for Cork City.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> is re-elected without a contest.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>May, 1914.</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>An Alderman of Cork fails to take off his hat to Mr.
+<span class="sc">O'Brien</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> summons a meeting of his supporters
+and, in a five-hours' speech, states that, in spite of the
+unexampled infamy of Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span>, he will never
+abandon his efforts for Irish unity.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> says nothing.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> states that "the truckling truculence of
+a mock-modest monster of meretricious mendacity cannot
+be allowed to prevail against a policy of sober and sympathetic
+silence."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> having abstained from a reply, Mr.
+<span class="sc">O'Brien</span> resigns his seat for Cork City and is shortly
+afterwards re-elected without a contest.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>June, 1914.</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>, in moving the Second Reading of the
+Home Rule Bill, does not mention Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span>, who
+swoons in his place and is carried speechless from the
+House of Commons.</p>
+
+<p>On the following day Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> issues to the world
+a manifesto of 60,000 words, in which he describes Mr.
+<span class="sc">Redmond</span> as "a palsied purveyor of pledge-breaking
+platitudes," and announces that the Irish question can
+be settled only by the good will of men of all parties.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> takes no notice.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> declares that he can no longer pursue a
+policy of conciliation and mildness, and resigns his seat
+for Cork City as a protest against the "frenzied flaunting
+of flattery and folly" in which, he says, Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span>
+spends his time.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span>, having been re-elected without a contest,
+immediately re-resigns twelve times in advance.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>CINEMA NEWS.</h2>
+
+<p>Final preparations have now been made to film Mr.
+<span class="sc">Thornton's</span> first day as General Manager of the Great
+Eastern Railway. By kind permission of Lord <span class="sc">Claud
+Hamilton</span> representatives of all the other railway companies
+are to be present to take notes, like the foreign military
+attach&eacute;s in a war. A good "movie" should result.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Another film which should provide entertainment and
+instruction in the highest degree is the "Day in the Life of
+Mr. <span class="sc">C. K. Shorter</span>" which is now being arranged for. The
+great critic will be followed hour by hour with faithful
+persistence. He will be seen editing <i>The Sphere</i> with one
+hand and putting all the writing fellows in their place with
+the other. He will be seen in that wonderful library of
+his which covers two acres in St. John's Wood, reading,
+annotating and correcting; he will be seen at lunch at his
+club with other intellectual kings, his intimate friends;
+shaking hands with Mr. <span class="sc">Hardy</span>; entering a taxi; leaving a
+taxi and paying the fare; dining with Sir <span class="sc">W. Robertson
+Nicoll</span>; attending a first night and applauding only when
+applause is merited; and finally returning home to read
+more books. In all, about fourteen miles.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It will be regretfully learned by the great public, always
+ready for new thrillers, that all efforts to induce Mr.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span> to part with the cinema rights of his Gifford
+lectures have failed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"In consequence of the farm labourers and carters employed on
+various farms in the parish and village of Chitterne having come
+out on strike, work of all kinds, with the exception of lambing,
+is at a complete standstill."&mdash;<i>Bath and Wilts Chronicle.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>These black-leg ewes!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Mr. Kipling, who met with a warm deception."&mdash;<i>Daily Graphic.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Not a bit of it. Everyone was frankly delighted to see and
+hear him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/143.png"><img width="100%" src="images/143.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE THRONE PERILOUS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Austria and Italy</span> (<i>to the new Ruler of Albania</i>). "BE SEATED, SIR."</p></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span><hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" src="images/145.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Mother</i> (<i>to her boy, who has just struck his little sister with his Teddy bear</i>). "<span class="sc">Why did you hit your sister in the face, John</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>John.</i> "<span class="sc">'Cos it was the only part of her I could see</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MUSICAL DIAGNOSIS.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dr. James Cantlie</span> has reported
+that "the placing of a tuning-fork;
+against the body of a patient enables
+him to gauge the limits of the liver
+with almost hair-breadth precision."
+He believes that musical diagnosis will
+prove reliable in the case of broken
+bones, and asserts that already it has
+been proved that a fatty liver gives
+out tones distinct from a cirrhosed
+liver.</p>
+
+<p>A superb performance of Herr <span class="sc">Richard
+Strauss's</span> "German Measles Concerto"
+was given last night by the Queen's
+Hall orchestra. The tempo was throughout
+wonderfully high. The three fine
+solo passages for the left kidney were
+finely rendered; while the exquisite
+<i>diminuendo</i> to convalescence with
+which the work concludes greatly impressed
+a neurotic audience.</p>
+
+<p>The tuning-fork test has proved that
+several of the most popular of recent
+rag-time tunes were originally scored
+by the brain of a patient who had met
+with a severe concussion while attempting
+to escape over the high wall of an
+Asylum for Incurable Idiots.</p>
+
+<p>An interesting incident is reported in
+the Medical press from a well-known
+Nursing Home. It appears that one
+of the female attendants, on applying
+the tuning-fork to what was alleged to
+be the broken heart of a patient, was
+astonished to obtain as response the
+first five bars of "You Made Me Love
+You." The case has, we learn, been
+since discharged cured.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NUPTIAL NOVELTIES.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["Two prominent members of the Herne
+Bay Angling Association were married on
+Saturday afternoon at St. Martin's Church,
+Herne Bay.</p>
+
+<p>An interesting feature of the wedding was
+the assembly of members of the association,
+who lined the pathway to the church door and
+formed an archway of fishing-rods, to which
+silver horseshoes had been attached.</p>
+
+<p>The bridegroom's father is not only president
+of the angling association, but captain of the
+Herne Bay Fire Brigade, members of which
+formed a guard of honour with crossed
+hatchets."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The nuptials of Mr. Desmond Waddilove
+and Miss Esther Priddie, whose
+parents are prominently implicated in
+the milk trade, were marked by several
+interesting and appropriate spectacular
+incidents. A specially attractive feature
+was the progress of the wedding procession
+between a double row of milk-cans.
+Later on the bride and bridegroom
+left for Cowes (I.W.) amid a volley of
+pats of butter deftly hurled by the
+officials of the Sursum Corda Dairy
+Company, Ltd.</p>
+
+<p>Last Saturday the wedding of Mr.
+Nestor Young and Miss Leonora
+Dargle was celebrated with great <i>&eacute;clat</i>
+at St. Mark's, Datchet. Out of respect
+for the calling of the bride's father all
+the wedding party proceeded to the
+sacred edifice in bath-chairs, which
+imparted to the ceremony an air of
+solemnity too often neglected at up-to-date
+weddings. The bridegroom's
+father being a leading pork-butcher,
+imitation sausages formed part of the
+trimmings of the bride's going-away
+dress.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Donald MacLurkin, the golf
+professional of the Culbin Sands Golf
+Club, was married last Friday at
+Lossiemouth to Miss Janet Sutor, of
+Cromarty. A charming effect was
+produced by a guard of honour, composed
+of members of the golf club,
+holding aloft crossed brassies, beneath
+which the happy pair passed into the
+church, while the caddies clashed
+niblicks and other iron clubs. The
+bride wore a cream silk bogey skirt,
+slightly caught up so as to show the
+pink dots of the stymied underskirt,
+and a simple Dunlop V corsage. A
+dainty little pot-bunker hat completed
+a costume as novel as it was natty.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span><h2>THE ROYALISTS.</h2>
+
+<p>Eight of us travel up to town every
+morning by the Great Suburban Railway.
+I have no politics. Gibbs is a
+Unionist Free Trader. Three of the
+others are Radicals and three Unionists.
+On one side of the compartment are
+ranged <i>The Daily Mail</i>, <i>The Daily
+Express</i> and <i>The Daily Telegraph</i>.
+Boldly confronting them are two <i>Daily
+Chronicles</i> and a <i>Daily News</i>. Gibbs
+contents himself with a <i>Daily Graphic</i>,
+while I choose every day the paper
+with the least sensational
+placard.</p>
+
+<p>You can imagine what the
+journeys are like. Filmer will
+put down his <i>Daily Express</i>
+and say with feeling, "If I
+could only get that infernal
+Welsher by the throat." Then
+Rodgers will lay down his
+<i>Daily News</i> and sneer, "What
+has aggravated the toadies of
+the Dukes to-day?" In a
+moment the battle is in full
+swing. Bennett breaks in
+with assertions that peace and
+unity will never prevail till
+the Cabinet has been hanged.
+Chalmers makes a mild proposal
+for the imprisonment
+of the Armament Ring which
+is gnawing at the country's
+vitals. And when there has
+been a by-election and both
+sides claim the moral victory
+I have no doubt that the men
+in signal-boxes think that
+murder is taking place in our
+carriage.</p>
+
+<p>However, one day Filmer
+made a reference to Marconi
+speculations which caused
+Rodgers to shake the dust
+from his feet (an easy thing
+on the Great Suburban line)
+and leave the compartment
+at the next station. Then
+Chalmers and Simcox bore down on
+Filmer with statistics about our booming
+trade. When we reached the next
+station, Filmer darted out of the compartment,
+declining to travel any longer
+with a set of miserable Cobdenite Little
+Englanders. I was horrified&mdash;not at
+the absence of Rodgers and Filmer,
+which could have been endured&mdash;but at
+the idea that the gaps they left in the
+carriage might be tilled up by even
+worse persons than politicians. Suppose
+golfers took their places. On one
+occasion, when Gibbs had influenza,
+an intruder had described to us the
+fixing of a new carburettor to his car.</p>
+
+<p>Then the great idea came to me&mdash;the
+formation of the Society. The next
+morning I went up to Filmer and
+Rodgers as they stood apart from
+us and each other on the platform
+and said, "Come to the others for a
+moment. They want to apologise
+to you."</p>
+
+<p>They didn't, but sometimes one has
+to choose between the cause of peace
+and that of truth.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," I said, "I have noticed
+this. Nearly all our little controversies
+begin in one way. Somebody says,
+'I call a spade a spade and <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>
+(or <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>) a lying, treacherous
+scoundrel.' I propose that we form
+ourselves into the Society for Not
+Calling a Spade a Spade."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you propose to call it?
+'A Royal'?" This from Gibbs, who
+is a master of auction bridge.</p>
+
+<p>"By all means," I said. "It gives
+dignity and an enhanced value to a
+vulgar agricultural utensil. And the
+Society can be called 'The Royalists' for
+short. Its single rule is to be this, that
+any member speaking of any politician
+of the opposite Party except in terms
+of eulogy shall be fined ten shillings
+and sixpence. The fines to be divided
+equally between the Tariff Reform
+League and the Free Trade Union."</p>
+
+<p>For a moment there was hesitation.
+Then the Opposition rejoiced at the
+idea of hearing the Radicals praise <span class="sc">Law</span>
+and <span class="sc">Long</span>, and the Radicals thought it
+would be ecstasy to hear panegyrics of
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> and <span class="sc">Masterman</span> from
+the Unionists.</p>
+
+<p>The Society was formed at once and
+has proved an enormous success. Peace
+and goodwill reign amongst us. It is
+a perpetual delight to see Filmer put
+down his <i>Daily Express</i> and with the
+veins bulging out from his forehead
+say, "That accurate and careful
+financier who has so immeasurably
+raised the status of the Chancellorship
+of the Exchequer"; or to hear
+Chalmers remark, "Sad
+would it be if that most
+honey-tongued and softhearted
+of politicians, dear
+<span class="sc">F. E. Smith</span>, should have
+his life ended by a British
+bayonet."</p>
+
+<p>One or two prepare their
+delicate eulogies beforehand
+and refer to notes; but this
+is thought unfair. The compartment,
+as a whole, prefers
+the impromptu praise that
+has the air of coming from
+the heart.</p>
+
+<p>I am thinking of offering to
+the House of Commons and
+the House of Lords free membership
+in The Royalists.
+Perhaps Messrs. <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George</span> and <span class="sc">Leo Maxse</span>
+would consent to act as
+perpetual Joint Presidents,
+with Lord <span class="sc">Hugh Cecil</span> and
+the Rev. Dr. <span class="sc">Clifford</span> as
+Chaplains.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" src="images/146.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>MacBull.</i> "<span class="sc">I shall be a gay grass widower for the next two
+months&mdash;wife's gone for a holiday to the West Indies</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>O'Bear.</i> "<span class="sc">Jamaica</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>MacBull.</i> "<span class="sc">No, it was her own idea</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"He is only a tame duck who
+with sheepish timidity attempts
+to controvert the determination
+of a body of frontiersmen from
+their purpose by firing at them
+with a water squirt."</p>
+
+<p><i>Bulawayo Chronicle.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It sounds more like a wild
+duck.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From Publishers' Announcements:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">"'<span class="sc">Borrowed Thoughts</span>.'</p>
+
+<p class="center">(A Handbook for Lent, with an Introduction
+by a popular Bishop.) Limp, 9d."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Lot 3. Extra Dry, Cuv&eacute;e Beserv&eacute;e, 60/-.
+A really excellent pure Wine, which we bought
+lying abroad."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We trust they won't sell it lying at
+home.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Generally crime is normal and no increase
+in mortality is reported. Little wandering,
+emigration, or emaciation is noticed. Cattle
+are being sold in large numbers in Hamirpur.
+Blankets are being distributed to the poor.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>For other Sporting News see page 8</i>)."</p>
+
+<p><i>Advocate of India.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>There is nothing narrow about the sporting
+tastes of our Oriental contemporary.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" src="images/147.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Larry.</i> "<span class="sc">Treshpassing, is ut? Just wait till we git Home Rule. Ivery man'll do as he likes thin&mdash;and thim's
+that won't'll be made to</span>!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE INVADERS.</h2>
+
+<p>From all sides news pours in concerning the rush for
+American managers of English concerns. At last the excellence
+of the American businessman's habits are being
+recognised, probably not a little owing to the vogue of such
+plays as <i>Get-rich-quick Wallingford</i>, <i>Broadway Jones</i> and
+<i>The Fortune Hunters</i>, wherein we see hustling methods
+justifying by their success all the odd measures which led
+to dollars. That the dominating business man who thus
+rises to greatness has to marry a clerk or typist is perhaps
+only a detail, but if the plays are to be taken as a guide it
+is expected of him.</p>
+
+<p>The great tailoring house of Tarn, which has just appointed
+a manager from Cleveland, Ohio, on the advice of
+Lord <span class="sc">Claud Hamilton</span>, has completely transformed its
+cutting department. All jackets are now made to reach to
+the knees, with shoulders that project beyond the wearer's
+body one foot on each side. The trousers are wide at
+the knees and tight at the ankles, and are very effective.
+Walking-sticks must not be worn with these suits. Messrs.
+Tarn hope to bring back the frock coat very shortly, especially
+for politicians.</p>
+
+<p>The American scholar who has just been appointed to
+the Chair of English Composition at Oxford has already
+made some drastic reforms. No longer may the student
+write that he has a book "at home"; he must say "to
+home." The participle "got" has gone in favour of "gotten";
+while the only text-books in use are of Trans-Atlantic origin.
+The University has adopted the college cry of "No,
+No, No Eng Lish Need, Need, Need Apply!"</p>
+
+<p>This yell will be used by Oxford partisans at the Inter-University
+Sports during the performances of American
+<span class="sc">Rhodes</span> Scholars.</p>
+
+<p>The latest news to reach us as we go to press is that the
+directors of various London music halls are thinking
+seriously whether or not they will call in American assistance
+for their revues, either producers, actors or musicians.
+But this is an innovating step which will require the
+deepest thought.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SINGING WATER.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>I heard&mdash;'twas on a morning, but when it was and where,</p>
+<p>Except that well I heard it, I neither know nor care&mdash;</p>
+<p>I heard, and, oh, the sunlight was shining in the blue,</p>
+<p>A little water singing as little waters do.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>At Lechlade and at Buscot, where Summer days are long,</p>
+<p>The tiny rills and ripples they tremble into song;</p>
+<p>And where the silver Windrush brings down her liquid gems,</p>
+<p>There's music in the wavelets she tosses to the Thames.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>The eddies have an air too, and brave it is and blithe;</p>
+<p>I think I may have heard it that day at Bablockhythe;</p>
+<p>And where the Eynsham weir-fall breaks out in rainbow spray</p>
+<p>The Evenlode comes singing to join the pretty play.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>But where I heard that music I cannot rightly tell;</p>
+<p>I only know I heard it, and that I know full well:</p>
+<p>I heard a little water, and, oh, the sky was blue,</p>
+<p>A little water singing as little waters do.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>R. C. L.</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span><h2>AN APOLOGY THAT MADE
+THINGS WORSE.</h2>
+
+<p>We had a fancy-dress ball on
+December 30th. They have these
+things in nearly all Swiss Hotels and
+you have to put up with them. As a
+matter of fact Matilda and I enjoyed
+ourselves. We supped well and danced
+quite often. At 3.30 <span class="sc">a.m.</span> we set out
+for our rooms. We took a lighted
+candle with us to keep us warm as
+we went. The way to get the most
+warmth from a candle is to sit round
+it. As the corridor was cold, we sat
+round the candle outside Miss Wortley's
+room, but this was quite accidental.</p>
+
+<p>We didn't know that she had gone
+to bed at 10.30 <span class="sc">p.m.</span> with the primary
+object of sleeping and the ulterior
+motive of getting up the next morning
+in time to catch an early train. We
+weren't to know that she had wasted
+her time from 11 <span class="sc">p.m.</span> to 3.25 <span class="sc">a.m.</span>
+listening to a procession of revellers
+retiring to their rooms. We had no
+suspicion that she was just dozing off
+for the first time when we stopped
+to warm ourselves. We really made
+very little noise, though we may have
+laughed just a little. The report which
+has got about, that I tried to climb up
+the wall to see the time, is inaccurate.
+The clock is not nearly high enough up
+the wall to render this necessary, and
+I didn't care a button what the time
+was.</p>
+
+<p>If we had known that the Germans
+who ought to have been asleep in the
+room opposite to Miss Wortley would
+come out into the corridor and shout
+in their nasty guttural language, we
+should probably not have tried to find
+out whether anything was attached to
+the other end of a piece of tape that
+protruded from under their door. It
+was quite a long piece of tape, and
+there was something attached to the
+end of it, though we never found out
+what that something was. Anyway,
+it was too large to pass under the
+door, though we pulled the tape quite
+hard. We had just given up our
+investigation and reached our respective
+rooms when the German family arrived
+in the corridor and commented on the
+matter.</p>
+
+<p>I can't see that we were really to
+blame because Miss Wortley suffered
+from insomnia, missed her early train
+next morning and had to pay an extra
+half franc for having breakfast in her
+bedroom. She was very unpleasant
+about it and went round telling everybody
+that we had kept her awake all
+night. She was one of those women
+who&mdash;&mdash;But there, I don't want to be
+nasty, and anyone who reads this will
+guess the kind of woman she was.</p>
+
+<p>The next day was New Year's Eve.
+After dinner we took part in an Ice
+Carnival, then we saw the New Year in,
+and then we drank practically everybody's
+health. At 2 <span class="sc">a.m.</span> I was sitting
+in the lounge talking to Matilda when
+a kind of peaceful sensation came over
+me, and I began to be sorry that there
+was any bad feeling between Miss
+Wortley and us; so I said to Matilda,
+It's New Year's Day and I should
+like to start it on friendly terms with
+everyone, including Miss Wortley. I
+think I shall apologise to her about
+last night; we may have been a little
+thoughtless."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't see what there is to apologise
+for," said Matilda, "but I suppose it
+can't do any harm and it may help to
+make things pleasant all round. If
+you're going to apologise I suppose I
+ought to do the same."</p>
+
+<p>"Come on then," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Where to?"</p>
+
+<p>"To apologise."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be absurd; we can't apologise
+now. We'll apologise to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>"We might miss her to-morrow, and
+we ought to do a thing like this without
+delay and as early in the New
+Year as possible. If I don't do it now,
+I may not feel apologetic later on, and
+I don't want to go through the year
+with even a tittle of Miss Wortley's
+insomnia on my conscience."</p>
+
+<p>Matilda seemed rather uncertain
+about it, but after a time recognised
+that I was right, and we went up to
+Miss Wortley's room. I had to knock
+loudly on her door before I got any
+answer, but eventually a sleepy voice
+said, "Come in."</p>
+
+<p>I didn't think that we had better do
+that, so I knocked again.</p>
+
+<p>"All right, you can bring in the
+water."</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't exactly your shaving water&mdash;in
+fact it's hardly time to get up
+yet," I shouted.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter? Is the place
+on fire?" I heard sounds as of a person
+getting out of bed, so I said, "You
+needn't get up, it's only us. We
+wanted to apologise about last night.
+We're sorry you didn't sleep very well.
+Of course it wasn't altogether our
+fault, but still we thought that we
+should like to apologise; in fact we
+didn't feel that we could go to sleep
+until we had apologised; and&mdash;and we
+wanted to wish you a Happy New
+Year."</p>
+
+<p>I am not sure that I did the thing
+very well, but I am sure that it would
+have sounded better and that I shouldn't
+have ended so lamely if Matilda hadn't
+been so tactless as to laugh in the
+middle. Somehow I got the idea that
+the apology hadn't been accepted in
+the spirit in which it had been tendered.
+Suspicious sounds came from within,
+including the click of a water jug;
+also the German family opposite seemed
+to be under the impression that it was
+time to get up&mdash;so we didn't wait to
+say Good-night, but slipped quietly out
+of the way. Miss Wortley's door and the
+door opposite opened simultaneously.
+There were two splashes like water
+thrown from jugs, and I fancy that
+more than one person got wet. It
+isn't easy to discover exactly what is
+happening when two people are shouting
+at the tops of their voices in
+different languages, but I didn't gather
+that they quite cleared the matter up
+to their mutual satisfaction.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>EVERY AUTHOR'S WIFE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["What is the first step towards literary
+production? It is imperative, if you wish to
+write with any freshness at all, that you should
+utterly ruin your digestion."&mdash;<i><span class="sc">H. G. Wells</span></i>.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"What have you dined on, husband mine?"</p>
+<p>"Chocolate creams and ginger wine."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"What did you take as an appetiser?"</p>
+<p>"Haggis and Sauerkraut &agrave; la Kaiser."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Didn't they give you any sweet?"</p>
+<p>"Hard-boiled eggs and whisky neat."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"And your fruit, I trust, was over-ripe?"</p>
+<p>"Doughnuts five with a pound of tripe."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Have you had nothing at all since then?"</p>
+<p>"Lobster and stout." "Then here's your pen,</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"You must do a chapter or two to-night;</p>
+<p>Have a banana and start to write."</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>New Anglo-German Entente.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Young gentlemen wish young English
+lady to learn know for the common joint
+exchange for the language sunday by flying
+outs Pleasing writing at the office chiffre
+J. 810."&mdash;<i>Leipziger Neuste Nachrichten.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Notice</span>.</p>
+
+<p>In order to popularise the Corporation
+Crematorium, at Crematorium Road, the
+Corporation have decided as an experimental
+measure to abolish the fees now charged for
+the use of the Crematorium for one year."</p>
+
+<p><i>Capital</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The inducement leaves us cold.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>The Infant Samson.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"2s. 6d. <span class="sc">reward</span> will be paid for name of
+Small Boy who pushed a Cab Horse down in
+the Station Yard, Teigumouth."</p>
+
+<p><i>Express and Echo</i> (<i>Exeter</i>).</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>More Commercial Candour.</h2>
+
+<p>From a Leeds grocer's circular:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"A perfection of blending is obtained in &mdash;&mdash; Tea,
+which, upon analysis, is pronounced
+to be absolutely injurious to health."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/149.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149.png" alt="" /></a><p>"<span class="sc">Have you any golf balls guaranteed to go straight?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Not here, Madam. You might try the Conjuring Department&mdash;first floor</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE IDEAL FILM PLOT.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[The brisk demand by Cinema companies
+for new picture-play stories has
+led many writers of talent to turn their
+attention to this fascinating branch of
+literature. Unfortunately they often
+fail not only to acquire a proper knowledge
+of the technique of the art, but
+to take steps to ascertain what the
+public really wants. With the object
+of helping authors in both directions we
+publish below a scenario which has
+been described by an authority as "the
+ideal film plot."]</p></blockquote>
+
+<br />
+<p class="center">THE FIREBRAND'S REDEMPTION.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Persons</i>:</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Ferdinand</i>, a Cowboy.</p>
+<p><i>General Devereux.</i></p>
+<p><i>Phyllis Devereux</i>, his daughter.</p>
+<p><i>Joe</i>, a soldier.</p>
+<p><i>Cowboys</i>, <i>miners</i>, <i>soldiers</i>, <i>Indians</i>,</p>
+<p><i>etc.</i></p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<br />
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Part I.</span></p>
+
+<p>Ferdinand's <i>headlong career to the
+Devil is arrested by the beautiful</i>
+Phyllis Devereux.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">First Scene</span>.&mdash;A drinking saloon in
+the Wild West. Cowboys, miners and
+Western demi-mondaines playing cards
+at top speed and drinking heavily.
+Enter <i>Ferdinand</i>, drunk and carrying
+a huge revolver in each hand and a
+tomahawk between his teeth. He
+forces the bar-tender to "hands up" and
+begins shooting down the bottles ranged
+along the counter. Enter <i>Phyllis</i>. As
+soon as <i>Ferdinand</i> sees her he drops
+the pistols and trembles violently.
+<i>Phyllis</i> regards him searchingly and
+leaves the saloon. <i>Ferdinand</i> follows
+unsteadily. Projection on screen:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="bnote"><p class="center">Gee, boys! Ferd's hit, sure!</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Second Scene</span>.&mdash;Outside the saloon.
+<i>Phyllis</i> is seen entering a sumptuous
+motor. <i>Ferdinand</i> falls to his knees,
+but she disregards him. As the motor
+moves away he prepares to strike himself
+on the back of the neck with his
+tomahawk, but when the fatal blow is
+about to fall <i>Phyllis</i> leans over the
+back of the car and blows him a kiss.
+Enlargement of <i>Ferdinand's</i> face working
+with emotion and finally settling
+into an expression of immense determination.
+Projection on screen:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="bnote"><p class="center">I swear never to drink again!</p></div>
+
+<br />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Part II.</span></p>
+
+<p>Ferdinand <i>is called upon to show himself
+worthy, but the old Adam conquers</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">First Scene</span>.&mdash;Outside <i>General
+Devereux's</i> tent. Soldiers, Staff Officers,
+etc. <i>General</i> sits in full uniform at a
+table. Enter <i>Joe</i>, a very fat soldier.
+He trips over his rifle, turns a somersault
+and salutes. The <i>General</i> points
+to the left and <i>Joe</i> goes off. Enter
+<i>Phyllis</i>, who talks and gesticulates
+with feeling. Projection on screen:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="bnote"><p class="center">Pop, I love him!</p></div>
+
+<p>Enter <i>Ferdinand</i>. Much talk and
+discussion. Projection on screen:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="bnote"><p class="center">You must prove yourself worthy of her!</p></div>
+
+<p>The <i>General</i> points dramatically to the
+left and writes at great speed. Projection
+on screen, in angular/handwriting:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="bnote"><p class="center">Send help at once! We are surrounded<br />
+and in sore straits!&mdash;<i>Devereux.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>He hands paper to <i>Ferdinand</i>. Both
+point dramatically to the left. <i>Phyllis</i>
+leans over her lover's shoulder and
+reads. All three point dramatically to
+the left.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Second Scene</span>.&mdash;A wood. Enter
+<i>Joe</i>, walking cautiously. Suddenly a
+Red Indian in full war paint rushes
+towards him. <i>Joe</i> turns tail and flies.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Third Scene</span>.&mdash;More wood. <i>Joe</i> is
+seen running at about thirty-five miles
+an hour, pursued by seven Indians.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Fourth Scene</span>.&mdash;A tract of rocky
+country. <i>Joe</i> is seen running at about
+fifty-two miles an hour, pursued by
+fifteen Indians.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Fifth Scene</span>.&mdash;The bank of a river.
+<i>Joe</i> is seen running at about seventy-eight
+miles an hour, pursued by twenty-three
+Indians. He trips over a stone
+and falls into the water. Enter
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span><i>Ferdinand</i> on horseback. He dismounts
+and fires a revolver. Four Indians bite
+the dust. He fires again. Four more
+Indians bite the dust and the rest fly.
+<i>Ferdinand</i> shades his right eye, peers
+into the river, dives in and presently
+reappears with <i>Joe</i>. The latter feels
+anxiously in his pockets and produces
+a flask. He hands it to <i>Ferdinand</i>,
+who drinks. Enlargement of <i>Ferdinand</i>
+drinking.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Part III.</span></p>
+
+<p>Phyllis <i>again to the rescue</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">First Scene</span>.&mdash;The same. <i>Ferdinand</i>
+and <i>Joe</i> lie on the ground drunk. Enter
+<i>Phyllis</i> disguised as a soldier. Expressive
+despair. She searches <i>Ferdinand's</i>
+pockets and finds despatch, which
+is again projected on the screen. She
+points dramatically to the left and
+looks doubtfully at <i>Ferdinand</i>. Then
+she takes out a revolver, averts her eyes
+and shoots him in the shoulder. Projection
+on screen:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="bnote">
+<p class="center">They will think he has been wounded<br />
+by the enemy and will suspect<br />
+nothing!</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Second Scene</span>.&mdash;A wood. <i>Phyllis</i>
+on horseback riding at a great pace
+and waving the despatch in her right
+hand.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Part IV.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>All's well that ends well.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">First Scene</span>.&mdash;A hospital. <i>Ferdinand</i>
+and <i>Joe</i> lying in cots and attended
+by nurses. <i>Ferdinand</i> signals to <i>Joe</i>
+and they leap out of bed, gag the
+nurses and tie them up with towels.
+Then they make a rope of bedclothes
+and climb out of the window.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Second Scene</span>.&mdash;Outside the hospital.
+<i>Ferdinand</i>, in pyjamas, is seen
+sliding rapidly down the rope. <i>Joe</i>
+follows. The rope breaks and he falls
+with a crash to the ground.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Third Scene</span>.&mdash;A field, with an aeroplane
+attended by mechanics standing
+in it. Enter <i>Ferdinand</i> and <i>Joe</i> running.
+They climb into the machine,
+the motor is started and they shoot out
+of the picture.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Fourth Scene</span>.&mdash;The sky. An aeroplane
+flying very high and very fast.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Fifth Scene</span>.&mdash;A forest. <i>Phyllis</i> is
+tied to a tree and three Red Indians
+are about to run her through with
+spears. Suddenly they look upwards
+as if disturbed by some noise. At this
+moment <i>Ferdinand</i> drops to the ground
+from the top of the picture. He at
+once shoots the Indians and releases
+<i>Phyllis</i>. The latter points dramatically
+to the right and produces a paper.
+Projection on screen:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="bnote">
+<p class="center">30,000 men will relieve you<br />
+to-morrow!&mdash;<i>Conolly.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Ferdinand</i> and <i>Phyllis</i> both point
+dramatically to the right.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sixth Scene</span>.&mdash;Outside the <i>General's</i>
+tent. Soldiers and Staff Officers as
+before. Enter <i>Ferdinand</i> and <i>Phyllis</i>.
+<i>Ferdinand</i> hands the despatch to the
+<i>General</i>. Despatch is again projected
+on the screen. The <i>General</i> rises and
+salutes with much emotion. All present
+salute, <i>Ferdinand</i> clasps <i>Phyllis</i> in
+his arms to kiss her.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Seventh Scene</span>.&mdash;The Kiss&mdash;about
+twenty-five times life-size.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/150.png"><img width="100%" src="images/150.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>discussing housemaid who has given notice</i>). "<span class="sc">Well, of course, if she wants to go she must. But it seems
+foolish of her if her only reason is that she wants a change. She won't get a better place than this</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Cook.</i> "<span class="sc">That's just what i tell the silly girl, Ma'am. 'Depend upon it,' I says to her, 'you'll only be going out
+of the frying-pan into the fire</span>.'"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Mr. G. Dyson, who succeeded Mr. W. S.
+Bambridge as organist at the college a little
+over two years ago, is leaving to go to Rugby,
+as organist there. Since he has been at
+Marlborough Mr. Dyson has given a large
+number of much-appreciated recitals in the
+college chapel. The organ is still undergoing
+repair."&mdash;<i>The Standard.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We make no comment. This is Rugby's
+affair, not ours.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151.png" alt="" /></a><h3>DESPERATE REMEDIES.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Colonel Herbert H. Asquith</span> (<i>to Colonel <span class="sc">Andrew B. Law</span>, on observing that he also has taken a leaf out
+of Lord <span class="sc">Claud Hamilton's</span> book</i>). "GUESS YOU WON'T CUT ANY ICE, BONAR, UNLESS YOU
+SHAVE THAT MOUSTACHE OFF."</p></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page152" id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span><hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span><h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February
+16.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Worthington Evans</span> charmed
+House to-day by one of those little
+delicacies of feeling and taste favoured
+in the assembly. <span class="sc">Masterman</span> has met
+the reward of conspicuous success at
+the Treasury by promotion to Cabinet
+rank. In his absence his place temporarily
+taken at Question Time by
+<span class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</span>, who, while careful
+to deprecate personal responsibility for
+promise to give 9<i>d.</i> for 4<i>d.</i>, displayed
+remarkable intimacy with intricacies
+of the Insurance Act. <span class="sc">Worthington
+Evans</span>, having as usual, after the leisure
+of a week-end, provided himself with
+collection of conundrums
+based on its working, knew
+that when he came down
+to-day he would find
+<span class="sc">Masterman's</span> seat empty.</p>
+
+<p>Marked the occasion by
+presenting himself in
+mourning array&mdash;not the
+profoundest black such as
+<i>Hamlet</i> upon occasion
+affected, but a prevalence
+of decorous colour provided
+in what is known in
+drapers' shops as "The
+Mitigated Affliction Department."
+An uncompromising
+black tie was a determining
+note in his attire,
+testifying to sincere regret
+at parting from a Minister
+whom for three Sessions
+he has, so to speak, riddled
+with conundrums.</p>
+
+<p>Insurance Act has suddenly
+again sprung into prominence.
+By odd accident revival is
+coincident with couple of by-elections
+going forward in Metropolis. <span class="sc">Joynson-Hicks</span>
+much struck by circumstance
+that announcement of scheme under
+the Act dealing with casual labour
+at the docks is promulgated just
+now, when election is proceeding in
+a constituency where there happen
+to be many docks and a multitude of
+casual labourers who have votes.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bonner Law</span>, when he comes to
+think of it, equally surprised. Would
+the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span>
+oblige by explaining? As for <span class="sc">Lord
+Bob Cecil</span>, he is so perturbed that he
+momentarily forgets he has leading
+question to address to <span class="sc">Premier</span> designed
+to extract secret intention with respect
+to amending Home Rule Bill.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, always ready to
+oblige, explains that scheme in question
+was prepared last Autumn, had frequently
+been referred to by <span class="sc">Masterman</span>
+whilst still at the Treasury.</p>
+
+<p>"I am sure," he added, with twinkle
+in his eye, "we owe a debt of gratitude
+to Mr. <span class="sc">Joynson-Hicks</span> for calling
+further attention to the matter at this
+particular moment."</p>
+
+<p>Opposition not to be put off by
+badinage. Discover in apparently
+innocent accident evidence of that
+deep-seated tendency to import bribery
+and corruption into by-elections of
+which one of the Whips was this afternoon
+made a terrible example.</p>
+
+<p>Above and below Gangway Members
+popped up desiring to put further
+questions. Too much even for patience
+of <span class="sc">Speaker</span>. Suggested matter had
+better be raised upon debate.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, cert'nly," said <span class="sc">Joynson-Hicks</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%" src="images/153.png" alt="" /></a><p class="center">Lord <span class="sc">Robert Cecil</span> is "perturbed."</p></div>
+
+<p>Accordingly, when at eleven o'clock
+debate on Address automatically stood
+adjourned, and Members were anxious
+to get home, the <span class="sc">Jocund Joynson</span> turned
+up, and we had it all over again for
+space of half-an-hour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Ormsby-Gore</span> moved
+amendment expressing regret that, in
+spite of all they had heard to its
+detriment in Lords and Commons,
+Government intend to proceed with
+Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill.
+On division amendment negatived by
+279 votes against 217. Reduction of
+normal Ministerial majority hailed
+with delight on Opposition benches.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Lords, Tuesday.</i>&mdash;"What's
+this?" <span class="sc">Sark</span> asked, looking in at half-past
+four and finding House crowded
+with throng of strangers blocking
+approaches. "Is it the Land or the
+Church?"</p>
+
+<p>"Neither," said <span class="sc">Marchamley</span>; "it's
+Marconi."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," said <span class="sc">Sark</span>, as if that explained
+everything.</p>
+
+<p>On paper stood motion in name of
+<span class="sc">Ampthill</span> for appointment of Select
+Committee to enquire into relation of
+Lord <span class="sc">Murray</span> with Marconi business.
+The name, more blessed than Mesopotamia,
+stirred glad Opposition to
+profoundest depths. Thought it over
+and done with; and here it was again,
+blooming like the aloe, though after
+briefer interval. Excitement broke
+through ordinarily ice-bound calm of
+the House.</p>
+
+<p>Opposition benches crowded to fullest
+capacity. Privy Councillors and sons
+of Peers jostled each other on steps
+of Throne. Peeresses flocked down
+by the score. Curious effect of latest
+fashion in headgear displayed in side
+galleries. Nearly every bonnet&mdash;or
+were they hats?&mdash;was
+loftily plumed with black
+feathers, ominously familiar
+on hearses. It seemed as
+if the ladies had come to
+bury C&aelig;sar (of Elibank),
+not to praise or even condemn
+him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Murray</span>, arriving early,
+passed the Front Bench,
+where as ex-Minister he
+had a right to sit. Found
+a place immediately behind
+in friendly contiguity to
+former colleagues, Lord
+<span class="sc">Crewe</span> and Lord <span class="sc">Morley</span>.
+On stroke of half-past four
+he rose and, producing sheaf
+of manuscript, began to
+read. In low voice, with
+slow intonation, he turned
+over page after page, each
+scored with acknowledgment
+of contrition and regret
+for mistakes made. He
+pleaded that "my error, such as it was,
+was an error of judgment, not of
+intention." As to purchase of American
+Marconi shares on behalf of the Liberal
+Party, "I have," he said, "myself
+assumed the burden by taking over
+these shares at the price paid for them
+at the date of purchase, and, as the
+House will appreciate, at very considerable
+personal loss."</p>
+
+<p>Throughout ten minutes he was on
+his legs <span class="sc">Murray</span>, in unconscious sympathy
+with the hearse plumes that
+nodded over him from the side gallery
+at his back, spoke in funereal note. In
+the Commons so frank a confession, so
+ample an apology, would have been
+accepted with burst of general cheering.
+Shrewd Members know that an assured
+method of gaining temporary popularity
+is to commit a breach of order and take
+early opportunity of withdrawing anything
+offensive that may have been
+said, apologising for anything unseemly
+that may have been done. When, for
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span>example, <span class="sc">Ronald M'Neill</span> apologised
+for having chucked at the head of the
+<span class="sc">First Lord of the Admiralty</span> a book
+containing rules for preservation of
+order in debate, he was almost rapturously
+cheered.</p>
+
+<p>Chilliness of the graveyard froze
+round <span class="sc">Murray</span> as he read carefully
+prepared statement. When he sat down,
+faint murmur of applause rose from
+scanty muster on Liberal side. No
+sound, whether of approval or disapproval,
+broke the stillness
+of the serried benches opposite.</p>
+
+<p>Effect contagious. <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>
+almost inaudible.
+<span class="sc">Crewe</span> quite so. Strangers
+at back of gallery, hearing
+no voice and seeing the
+Noble Lord standing at the
+table nervously wringing his
+hands and twiddling his
+fingers, thought he was conversing
+with the <span class="sc">Leader of
+the Opposition</span> by means of
+the deaf and dumb alphabet.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Ampthill</span> above these evidences
+of human weakness.
+<span class="sc">Lansdowne</span> in characteristically
+chivalrous manner
+suggested that motion for
+Committee should be withdrawn,
+affording opportunity
+to Noble Lords to consider
+<span class="sc">Murray's</span> statement and the
+best course to be taken upon
+it. <span class="sc">Ampthill</span> not allured
+by such considerations. As
+he shrewdly remarked, if he
+consented to withdraw his
+motion it could not be revived.
+All he would consent to was
+not to insist upon proceeding
+with business at to-day's
+sitting. Stipulated that his
+opportunity should not be
+hampered by "unavoidable
+delay."</p>
+
+<p>On this understanding
+House adjourned, hoarse
+plumes in side galleries forlornly
+nodding themselves out.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> at
+bay in the Commons. His famous
+Budget attacked afresh on motion
+of Amendment to Address. <span class="sc">Ananias</span>
+and <span class="sc">Sapphira</span> personally mentioned in
+course of debate. Amendment negatived
+by 301 votes against 213.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Upon inquiry and reflection
+<span class="sc">Lansdowne</span> discovered that in
+matter of proposed Marconi Committee
+<span class="sc">Ampthill</span> is in fuller accord with
+opinion of majority on his side of
+House than himself. Accordingly,
+adopts <span class="sc">Ampthill's</span> motion and moves
+it. <span class="sc">Crewe</span> offering no opposition,
+Committee appointed without division.</p>
+
+<p>In Commons, just after 11 o'clock,
+news came of defeat of <span class="sc">Masterman</span> in
+Bethnal Green. Turns out there was
+more in <span class="sc">Worthington Evans's</span> assumption
+of "the inky cloak, good mother"
+than on Monday met the eye. Boisterous
+scene of exultation in Unionist camp,
+jubilant cries of "Resign, Resign."
+"Resign!" growled <span class="sc">Sark</span>. "Why
+should <span class="sc">Wilson</span> resign a seat just won?
+It is true it was in a three-cornered
+fight, and by a majority of twenty-four
+he represents minority of electors. But
+the seat is his, and of course he'll keep
+it."</p>
+
+<p>Curious how obtuse <span class="sc">Sark</span> can be
+upon occasion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Debate on Address
+agreed to in Commons. Forthwith
+set to on Estimates. Work cut out till
+31st March. After that Home Rule
+and the Deluge.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/154.png"><img width="100%" src="images/154.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE MAN FROM BOGOTA.</h3>
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Murray of Elibank</span> (talking); Lord <span class="sc">Mobley of
+Blackburn</span> (thinking).</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">On Shrove Tuesday, Feb. 24</span>,</p>
+
+<p class="center">COOK'S FAST DAY EXCURSIONS TO BIRMINGHAM"</p>
+
+<p><i>Midland Railway Leaflet.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The rest of us take our first "fast day,"
+as usual, on Ash Wednesday.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE CANAL.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>An attempt to express in futuristic
+"verse" the emotions aroused by a
+futuristic painting bearing the above
+title.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Mud, sedimentary, coffee-colour,</p>
+<p>And here a wedge, a sharp, keen, thrustful triangularity,</p>
+<p>And squares that writhe in painful green,</p>
+<p>Calling, clamouring&mdash;O venerable shade of <span class="sc">Euclid</span>.</p>
+<p>Back in the ages, dusty, maculated,</p>
+<p>Across the slate-hued fogs of time,</p>
+<p>Behold them!&mdash;oblongs of sliding water</p>
+<p>And cubed banks,</p>
+<p>Bridges and barges, blatantly, wonderfully, inconceivably angular,</p>
+<p>Calling, clamouring&mdash;canal, canal, canal!</p>
+<p>Out on the sea, restive and sloppy,</p>
+<p>A waste of salinity,</p>
+<p>So they aver,</p>
+<p>There are ships with masts, sails, halyards,</p>
+<p>Spankers, booms and things;</p>
+<p>There are lobsters and jellyfish&mdash;not here.</p>
+<p>Nothing here but illimitable mysteries,</p>
+<p>Baffling unknowledgeableness,</p>
+<p>Fathomless, fainting from square to square,</p>
+<p>Oblongs and nosey triangles, ever so nosey,</p>
+<p>Shapes rhomboidal, perchance rhombohedral&mdash;who knows?</p>
+<p>Puce and mustard-tinted&mdash;delicate,</p>
+<p>Oh, most delicate the mustard!&mdash;</p>
+<p>And russet, cadaverous pink,</p>
+<p>They mingle, compaginate,</p>
+<p>And their voices mingle,</p>
+<p>They call me out of the frame,</p>
+<p>They call,</p>
+<p>Thinly and crazily,</p>
+<p>Canal, canal, canal&mdash;slimy, crawly-crawly water!</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Literary</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Free</span>.&mdash;Our 160-page book, 'Hints for
+Home Decorators,' will be sent free on receipt
+of 1&frac12;d. for postage. Full instructions on
+painting, staining, graining, varnishing,
+enamelling, stencilling, gilding, colour-washing,
+how to mix paints, colours, inks, dyes,
+and scores of valuable recipes."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Citizen.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Now we know where our novelists get
+their local colour.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/155.png"><img width="100%" src="images/155.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Rector</i> (<i>thanking all who have contributed to the success of the bazaar</i>). "<span class="sc">And as for Lady Blank, I should not like to
+tell you what <i>she</i> has done</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE DEADLY BUTTON.</h2>
+
+<p>We do not know whether the following
+incident occurred at Signor <span class="sc">Ben
+Trovato's</span> famous restaurant on Fifth
+Avenue or not, but feel impelled, at
+any rate, to quote it as a warning, on
+the authority of <i>The Globe</i> of February
+19th, and <i>The New York American</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Giving a well-satisfied sigh after
+dinner a Pittsburg man burst a button off
+his waistcoat. It split in two. One half
+hit another man, with whom he was
+dining, in the eye. As a result his <i>vis-&aacute;-vis</i>
+may lose the sight of his eye.
+The other half struck the convivo in
+the cheek, cutting the flesh."</p>
+
+<p>This new and hitherto unsuspected
+possibility in ballistics must be rightly
+directed and also guarded against.
+There will be danger from the opposite
+side of the table at City dinners at
+about the tenth course and onwards,
+unless the wary guest can screen himself
+from the Corporation behind a
+laager of fruit-dishes and substantial
+ornaments.</p>
+
+<p>If two gourmets fall out over the
+respective merits of their favourite
+<i>entremets</i>, the remedy is now easy.
+There is the duel by button. Each of the
+principals, seconded by his particular
+waiter, after carefully taking his opponent's
+range and bearings, will suspire
+and hit him in the eye. The more
+replete combatant, having the greater
+equatorial velocity, will probably win,
+but the tailor can do a good deal towards
+securing a flat trajectory and
+freedom from swerve.</p>
+
+<p>At Christmas dinners, Tommy, when
+adequately charged, can challenge a
+rival amateur of plum-pudding to a
+rally over the dessert, instead of expending
+his horse-power over crackers. A
+little training, of course, would be
+needed to secure a combine fusillade.</p>
+
+<p>It is only right to add that evening-dress
+waistcoats are henceforward to
+come under those sections of the Geneva
+Convention which relate to missiles
+and explosives. No soft-nosed buttons,
+or studs which are liable to "bunch,"
+are to be allowed. A special regulation
+further requires that persons more than
+fifty inches in circumference, and fire-eaters
+who have already marked their
+men, shall dine by themselves, or at
+any rate only at a high table where
+there is no <i>vis-&aacute;-vis</i>. And page-boys
+are to be compelled to use hooks-and-eyes,
+unless they are engaged for a
+wedding or funeral salvo.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Zig-Zag</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>The Plural Voter.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"At the Wilmot-street Schools ... the
+credit of being first fell to a well-known
+resident&mdash;a stone-mason by craft.... There
+was no mistaking the colour of his political
+opinions. He voted for Major Sir Mathew
+Wilson."&mdash;<i>Evening News.</i></p>
+
+<p>"'I am going to be the first man in England
+who ever voted at 7 a.m.,' said an
+enthusiastic workman at the Wilmot-street
+Station as he fell in with the opening of the
+front door. He voted for Masterman."&mdash;<i>Star.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A message recently sent to a New
+Zealand chemist:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Please give the little girl a plaster for a
+man that a piece of wood blew off a shed and
+hit him in the rib."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Bay Gelding</span>, 5 years, 16 h.p., up to 13
+stone; hunted up to date; good performer and
+temperate; quiet with road nuisances; 30 gs."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Thirty guineas for a 16 horse-power
+horse is absurd.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span><h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Helen with the High Hand</span>."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/156-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/156-1.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE HIGH HAND.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Helen Rathbone</i> <span class="wide">Miss <span class="sc">Nancy Price</span>.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>James Ollerenshaw</i> <span class="wid">Mr. <span class="sc">Norman McKinnel</span>.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>There is great entertainment at the
+Vaudeville for the admirers of Mr.
+<span class="sc">Norman McKinnel</span>, among whom I
+propose to count myself whenever, as so
+rarely happens, he takes an evening off
+from his tyrannical methods&mdash;seldom
+very edifying when a woman is the
+victim. As the gentleman says in one
+of <span class="sc">Oscar Wendell Holmes's</span> books,
+"<i>Quoiqu'elle soit tr&egrave;s solidement mont&eacute;e,
+it ne faut pas brutaliser la machine</i>."
+Here it is true that Mr. <span class="sc">McKinnel</span>
+started out on his familiar courses, but he
+soon found that he had to do with his
+match; that <i>Helen's</i> hand was always
+a little higher than his own. And, even
+when we saw him at his most dogmatic,
+the fact that the question of sex, in its
+physical aspects, did not enter into
+their relations&mdash;he was only her step-great-uncle&mdash;saved
+us from a great
+deal of uneasiness. In all his moods,
+whether of blustering self-assertion or
+reluctant surrender, of canny craft or
+protesting generosity, Mr. <span class="sc">McKinnel</span>
+was equally admirable.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:25%;"><a href="images/156-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/156-2.png" alt="" /></a><h3>MODES FROM "THE POTTERIES."</h3>
+
+<p>What Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett's</span> ladies wear
+to-day Vienna wears to-morrow.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lilian Swetnam</i> <span class="widd">Miss <span class="sc">Mi&egrave;le Maund</span>.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>The local atmosphere of the Five
+Towns was established with less delay
+over detail than is customary in this
+kind. There was a lot of tea-drinking,
+I admit, but no doubt this beverage
+plays a strong part in the social life of
+the Potteries. There was also much
+handling of domestic provisions&mdash;streaky
+bacon, cheese, and so forth&mdash;but
+all this was proper enough in a
+play that largely turned upon the
+changes in an old celibate's <i>m&eacute;nage</i>.
+But in the main it was a comedy of
+character, a struggle between youth
+and crabbed age, in which the younger
+will and the quicker wit prevailed.
+As we first see him, <i>James Ollerenshaw</i>
+is a crusty, browbeating, misogynist,
+hoarding his wealth, content with a
+mean habit of life, and convinced that
+nobody can get the better of him. As
+we see him at the end he is a tamed
+man, dependent on female protection
+against the wiles of a designing widow,
+and established, at great cost, with his
+niece in the noble and ancient mansion
+of her desire. There were subsidiary
+love-episodes, of course, but these,
+though novel in some particulars, were
+relatively perfunctory. The character
+of <i>James Ollerenshaw</i> was the real
+matter of resistance.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Nancy Price's</span> <i>Helen</i> was a
+very probable performance. For myself
+I found her a little too minx-eyed for my
+taste, but no doubt this was part of the
+right Pottery touch. Minor characters
+were all brightly played, Miss <span class="sc">Mi&egrave;le
+Maund</span> being particularly happy as a
+garrulous young girl in the first flush
+of an engagement, who subsequently
+throws over her violent <i>fianc&eacute;</i> on the
+ground that "she could never marry a
+man who pushes people into lakes."
+Even the <i>vieux jeu</i> of the designing
+widow took on a certain freshness in
+the robust bands of Miss <span class="sc">Rosina
+Filippi</span>.</p>
+
+<p>I am in the fortunate position of having
+yet to read Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett's</span>
+novel, from which Mr. <span class="sc">Pryce's</span> comedy
+has been adapted, and am therefore free
+to treat the play itself on what I take
+to be its merits. It may be that the
+adapter assumed in us a little previous
+knowledge of the history of <i>Helen's</i>
+love affair, or that at least there was
+an obscurity about her past that wanted
+clearing up by retrospective illumination;
+but that is my only possible
+criticism; and I heartily congratulate
+the Vaudeville management on having
+at last discovered a play that promises
+to reward their enterprise.</p>
+
+<p>Not suspecting that there would be
+a change of hours after the second
+night, I arrived on the third night
+punctually at 8, to find that the performance
+was announced to begin at
+8.30. Punctually at that hour I returned,
+to find that it did not commence
+till 9; that in the meantime I was to
+assist at a song-and-talk recital of
+which no threat had been published.
+My quarrel is not with Mr. <span class="sc">Frederic
+Norton</span> who did it, though his clever
+entertainment began with some songs
+about fishes and things that might have
+warmed a Penny Readings' audience
+but left me bitterly cold. My complaint
+is of a wasted hour and a bolted dinner.
+I mention it only to prove that, whatever
+the provocation he has suffered, a
+Dramatic Critic is incapable of prejudice.</p>
+
+<p>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Another Impending Apology.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">"ALBANIA'S NEW RULER</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">How Prince William will enter his
+Kingdom</span>.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="wider"><u>FOUR</u>"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Looping the loop on all fours?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Shooting on the river Doe, in Kirkcudbrightshire,
+Colonel Kennaway, Greenlaw,
+shot a fine specimen of the male gadwall, a
+comparatively rare visitor."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Herald.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Col. <span class="sc">Kennaway</span> (<i>to deceased male
+gadwall</i>). "That'll teach you to be so
+beastly rare."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Wigan County Licensing Sessions
+were held yesterday. Superintendent Kelly
+stated that fifty-four persons had been proceeded
+against for drunkenness, an increase
+of 124 over last year."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Daily Post.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Superintendent <span class="sc">Kelly</span> should join the
+Government.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"A recital was given yesterday afternoon by
+Dr. Walter Alcock, who bears the title of
+organist and composer to His Majesty's
+Chapels Royal, and assistant organist of Westminster
+Abbey, and happens to be also an
+organist of exceptional attainments."</p>
+
+<p><i>Yorkshire Post.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The luck of Royalty is proverbial.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Welsh Professional Championship</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Milward, after compiling a break of 73,
+failed at a very easy shot, otherwise the contribution
+might have been higher."</p>
+
+<p><i>Sportsman.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It would seem certain, but&mdash;you never
+can tell with these wily Welshmen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%" src="images/157.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Wealthy Visitor.</i> "<span class="sc"><i>You</i> 'ard up! Wot do <i>you</i> do to make you 'ard up? I never 'ear of you gettin' a car for &pound;2,000
+as <i>I</i>'ve just done, or buyin' your wife &pound;3,000 worth o' joolrey as <i>I</i> did last week, or sendin' your boy a 'unded pounds-worth
+o' mechanical toys as <i>I</i> 'ave this mornin'. You've 'ad bread and cheese and <i>I</i>'ve stood six jolly fellers a
+champagne lunch&mdash;'ow can <i>you</i> be 'ard up</span>?"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE DANGER SIGNAL.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["I think moods and colours are related to one another. For
+instance, you have to feel very happy and well to enjoy rose-pink."</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss <span class="sc">Gladys Cooper</span>.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Dear, did the afternoon seem dull and dreary?</p>
+<p class="i2">Sweet, did you murmur as the tears fell thick&mdash;</p>
+<p>"My true love cometh not and I am weary;</p>
+<p class="i8">This is a dirty trick"?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Hear my excuse. With laudable precision</p>
+<p class="i2">I reached our rendezvous full early, but</p>
+<p>When you appeared in view, a rose-pink vision,</p>
+<p class="i8">I really had to cut.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>For oh! your costume made me apprehensive;</p>
+<p class="i2">That colour-scheme which caused my eyes to blink</p>
+<p>Proved you in joyous vein, while I was pensive</p>
+<p class="i8">And in no mood for pink.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>I wanted converse with the gentle lily</p>
+<p class="i2">And not the rose with all its flaunting show,</p>
+<p>Someone to stroke my hand and call me "Willie"</p>
+<p class="i8">In accents soft and low.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>If we had met, your gaiety had grieved me;</p>
+<p class="i2">There had been bitter back-chat to and fro;</p>
+<p>And so I stole away ere you perceived me;</p>
+<p class="i8">Dear, it was better so.</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>For all Tastes.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Number of births on the 28th instant 16; number of rats trapped
+on the 29th instant 273."&mdash;<i>The Said Gazette.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE EXPERT IN EXCELSIS.</h2>
+
+<p>The invitation to Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur Brock</span>, the well-known
+pyrotechnist, to express his opinion of <span class="sc">Stravinsky's</span> orchestral
+fantasia, "Fireworks," on the occasion of its
+second performance at Queen's Hall on the 28th inst.,
+has, we are delighted to learn, been fruitful of a series of
+similar invitations, not only in the sphere of music but also
+in the domain of art and letters.</p>
+
+<p>Thus we understand that the place of the ordinary
+musical critic of <i>The Times</i> will be taken at the next performance
+of <i>Parsifal</i> by Mr. <span class="sc">Waterer</span>, the great floricultural
+expert, and Mr. <span class="sc">Devant</span>, the eminent conjurer,
+with a view to their contributing their impressions of the
+flower maidens and the methods of the magician <i>Klingsor</i>
+respectively.</p>
+
+<p>Similarly, on the occasion of the next representation of
+<span class="sc">Wagner's</span> <i>Flying Dutchman</i> at Covent Garden, a signed
+criticism by the Chief Locomotive Superintendent of the
+Great Western Railway will appear in the pages of our
+contemporary.</p>
+
+<p>The practice, which it is hoped will lend additional
+brightness to the vivacious criticisms of <i>The Times</i>, is not
+to be confined to Opera. The <span class="sc">Astronomer-Royal</span> will be
+asked to record his impressions of <span class="sc">Beethoven's</span> "Moonlight
+Sonata", and the officials of our leading lightships
+will be asked to report upon <span class="sc">Parry's</span> "Blest Pair of Sirens."</p>
+
+<p>The application of the new method to literature promises
+to be equally interesting. It is an open secret that Messrs.
+<span class="sc">Gunter</span> have been permanently retained by <i>The Pastry-cook's
+Gazette</i> to review all books dealing with the Glacial
+Epoch, Ice-action and Arctic Exploration.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span><h2>A CHARACTER.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;Under the title
+of "A Bygone" you recently published
+the tale of a certain estimable butler
+and his one lapse, during many years'
+service, into alcoholism. This reminds
+me of the shorter and sharper history
+of our own James, who came to our
+Northern home on a Monday afternoon
+and left upon the following morning.</p>
+
+<p>For his chief characteristics be referred
+us, on application, to the opinion
+of a (Mrs.) Elizabeth Brown, of "The
+Cottage," Bamston, near Maidstone,
+Kent, who, he said, knew more about
+him than anybody else, and would take
+him back into her service later if need
+and opportunity arose. This opinion
+described him briefly but emphatically
+as honest, sober and willing. By way
+of the usual caution we wrote to this
+good lady direct and asked her to be so
+kind as to elaborate her views to us in
+confidence. In reply she wrote that
+James had been with her for eleven
+years on and off, had left her only
+because she was leaving "The Cottage,"
+would be welcomed back by her when
+she settled down again, and meanwhile
+was very honest, very sober and very
+willing. There was that about the
+handwriting and style of this letter
+which made us feel that the writer
+might not be one of the old <i>noblesse</i>,
+but was, at any rate, a kindly, sensible
+and acute old body, who knew now and
+always what she was talking about.
+Moreover it indicated, but did not
+actually state, that the man had come
+to be regarded in the writer's household
+with feelings more friendly than
+those usually found between employer
+and employ&eacute;: always, we thought, a
+strong recommendation of an old servant.
+On the strength of this correspondence
+we decided to give him a
+trial at least.</p>
+
+<p>There was nothing peculiar about
+his appearance, except the suggestion
+of a secret sorrow, which was no business
+of ours. His willingness was at
+once apparent: our house being full
+for a hunt ball there was plenty of
+work for him to do, but even so he
+found time between tea and dinner to
+put in a preliminary polish of the silver,
+which, he told us, was his chief joy in
+life, or rather one of them. Moreover
+he refused to go to bed until our return
+from the ball, timed not to be earlier
+than 4 <span class="sc">a.m.</span>, and insisted that he would
+sit up for us.</p>
+
+<p>We drove off after dinner without a
+qualm; for, though my wife declares
+that she detected a suspicious smell of
+spirits as he put the carriage rug over
+her, unhappily she did not think to
+mention this till the next day. When
+we got back in the small hours we
+found that, in accordance with his
+promise, he had indeed not gone to
+bed. There he was unmistakably in the
+hall. But he wasn't sitting up....
+No.... Rather, he was lying down,
+back uppermost.... So much for his
+sobriety.</p>
+
+<p>We resolved to show no mercy.
+Having promised to drive Captain
+Merriman, one of our guests, to the
+station to catch the early train to London,
+I was myself up betimes to see
+the sinful James also off the premises.
+His sorrow, no longer secret, was very
+manifest; it was a cold wet morning;
+it required some strength of mind to
+cast the fellow adrift and leave him to
+find his own way, with bag and
+baggage, to oblivion. But I did it.</p>
+
+<p>One does not leave much margin of
+time on these occasions, and it was not
+long afterwards that we followed in the
+dog-cart; nor had we got far on our
+road before we espied the back of James
+ahead of us&mdash;one of the saddest backs
+I have ever seen. He had still four
+miles to go to the station; his bag was
+obviously not light; he looked as if he
+would not get four more yards without
+collapsing; no doubt he had had an
+exhaustive night; finally, even that
+stern disciplinarian, Merriman, took
+pity. So, "Jump up behind, you old
+blackguard," I called to him as I drew
+up alongside, and up he climbed, cling-to
+his seedy bag and protesting that
+this was very much more than he
+deserved.</p>
+
+<p>As to his honesty you, Sir, must
+judge. The police doubted it from the
+start, and their experience led them to
+be sure that the reference was forged,
+that there was no "Cottage" and no
+Elizabeth Brown. No doubt he had
+managed to get our letter delivered to
+him and had forged an answer to
+that. On all points they were wrong
+and James was correct. There was
+"The Cottage" all right, very much a
+cottage; it had been vacated by the
+tenant, not voluntarily (who ever said
+it had?) but by reason of arrears of
+six weeks' rent, at 5<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> per week.
+The tenant's name was truly Elizabeth
+Brown, though she was more commonly
+known as Old Bess, and she was
+the one person to know all about our
+James, being his wife. And we've no
+reason to doubt that she has taken him
+back into her service and was very glad
+to do it too.</p>
+
+<p>In short, I cannot claim that James
+lied to us in any particular. So much
+for his honesty. As far as dishonesty
+was involved in the matter of the bag,
+I am not in a position to complain of
+that, seeing that it was by my agency
+alone that that bag got to the station,
+and it was at my expense that our local
+porter deposited, <i>inter alia</i>, my wife's
+much valued Georgian tea service and
+spoons in the London train, just about
+the time that the theft of them was
+being discovered at home. Under the
+guilty circumstances I prefer to remain</p>
+
+<p>Your anonymous <br />
+
+<span class="sc">Correspondent</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO MINKI-POO</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(SHUTTING ONE EYE).</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I watch you, while the firelight glare</p>
+<p class="i2">Strews flick'ring fancies round the hall,</p>
+<p>Replete, with what exotic fare</p>
+<p class="i2">No watcher by The Wall</p>
+<p class="i2">Had ever thought to line himself withal.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>And, as I mark the locks that weave</p>
+<p class="i2">A curtain for your eyes of flame,</p>
+<p>I sometimes think if you'd a sleeve</p>
+<p class="i2">To help you in the game,</p>
+<p class="i2">You'd find a laugh or two to fill the same.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>For She in whose grey eyes there springs</p>
+<p class="i2">Ruth for the lowliest and the least</p>
+<p>Proclaims you heir of countless kings,</p>
+<p class="i2">An emblem from the East</p>
+<p class="i2">Of inward beauty in the outward beast.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>She says you miss the sidewise roll</p>
+<p class="i2">Of palanquins in Something-Chang,</p>
+<p>Or sigh for little bells that toll</p>
+<p class="i2">Beside the Si-kiang,</p>
+<p class="i2">And dream-dogs of your old Celestial gang.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>For me, I think that tiny heart</p>
+<p class="i2">Bears no such Oriental load;</p>
+<p>Your dreams concern no Pekoe mart</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor mandarin's abode,</p>
+<p class="i2">But some dim purlieu of the Edgware Road.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Well, young pretender, have your fling!</p>
+<p class="i2">Though Fate forbade you to adorn</p>
+<p>The pompous pedigree of Ming,</p>
+<p class="i2">No particle of scorn</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall ever fall upon the Briton born!</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"It was contended that the captain had
+been placed in circumstances of exceptional
+difficulty. The solicitor for the Board of
+Trade said that between six and seven hundred
+pilgrims from Mecca swarmed on to the ship
+at Beyrouth to return to Morocco."</p>
+
+<p><i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Another result of the expiry of the
+<span class="sc">Wagner</span> copyrights?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"She went out rather quickly by the door,
+but none of them laughed."&mdash;<i>From "The
+Cheerful Christian," by <span class="sc">David Lyall</span>, in
+"The British Weekly."</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>She must try the window next time,
+and then, if they still won't laugh, the
+chimney.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159.png" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><i>First Irate Gentleman.</i> "<span class="sc">When I 'its a man, 'e remembers it</span>."<br />
+
+<span class="widdd"><i>Second Irate Gentleman.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, when I 'its one, 'e don't</span>.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>The Golden Barrier</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) was an affair of
+sovereigns, and the way of it was this. <i>Magdalen Tempest</i>,
+the heroine, had been left by her late father the mistress
+of many fine houses, and stacks and stacks of money. She
+had inherited also a disagreeable but honest butler, an
+aunt who was even more disagreeable but not honest, and
+an agent who was&mdash;well, who was the hero of the book.
+She had further gathered to herself a crowd of hangers-on
+more or less artistic, and all given to requiring small
+temporary loans. One of them, however, was a professed
+social reformer, a bold bad man of doubtful extraction, who
+was leagued with the aunt in a plan to marry <i>Magdalen</i> to
+himself and secure control of the cash. So <i>Magdalen</i> gave
+a Venetian Carnival in her great house, and it came on to
+thunder, and she found herself alone in a gondola with the
+painter (favourite hanger-on), who attempted, too vigorously,
+to improve the shining hour, and it was all rather awkward,
+when&mdash;romantically opportune arrival of the hero (name of
+<i>Denvers</i>), who flung the painter into the lake, clasped the
+heroine in his manly arms, married her and lived happy&mdash;&mdash;No.
+That is where you are too hasty. There remained
+still the Golden Barrier. For, after an interlude of bliss,
+back came the intriguing aunt, the social reformer and all
+the crowd (save the submerged artist) and began to accuse
+<i>Denvers</i> of living on his wife's cheque-book. How it ends
+you must find out. If you object that there is very little
+in all this to suggest the spirit of fine romance which you
+have learnt to associate with the names of <span class="sc">Agnes</span> and
+<span class="sc">Egerton Castle</span>, I can only say that (while my rough
+synopsis does no justice to some pleasant characterization)
+I myself greatly prefer these two writers in their earlier
+and brocaded mood.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It seems to me that Mr. <span class="sc">Francis Brett-Young</span> has done
+quite a distinguished piece of work in <i>Deep Sea</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>).
+I have not cared to miss a paragraph of it and have certainly
+carried away an unusually vivid memory of that unnamed
+West-country fishing-town which he has so cleverly peopled
+with his creatures&mdash;with poor, simple, introspective <i>Jeffrey
+Kenar</i>, fisherman that was, looking at life through the
+oddly refracting medium of his window of old glass, and all
+but seeing visions; comely, bitter <i>Nesta</i>, his wife; simple,
+loyal <i>Reuben</i>, <i>Jeffrey's</i> friend, whose rejection of <i>Nesta
+Kenar's</i> overmastering passion turns her love to hate;
+<i>Reuben's</i> gentle wife, <i>Ruth</i>; and that sleek mortgagee,
+<i>Silley</i>, for whom men like <i>Reuben</i> toil that he may grow fat,
+nominally owning their vessels, actually in heavy bondage
+to their shrewd exacting masters. There are dark and
+deep waters of passion swirling in and out of these simple
+lives, and the author, whose method is broadly impressionist
+rather than meticulously realistic, contrives cleverly to
+suggest that what he imagines has in fact been closely
+observed. He can make and tell a story and he can
+marshal words with a certain magic. The tragedy ends
+peacefully with the resolution of the too bitter discord of
+<i>Nesta's</i> hate in love of the child of the man she had wrongfully
+and vainly desired. A book to be read.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span><p>Amongst the makers of what might be called, without in
+this case any disparagement, the commercial short story,
+I think I should place Mr. <span class="sc">P. G. Wodehouse</span> as easily my
+favourite. The comfortable anticipation that is always
+mine on observing his name on the contents page of a
+popular magazine has been renewed by the sight of it
+attached to a collection of tales in volume form and called,
+after the first of them, <i>The Man Upstairs</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>). You
+must not expect a detailed criticism. All I can promise
+you is that, if you are a Wodehouseite, you will find here
+the author at his delightful best. He is winged and doth
+range. The heroes of these tales include (I quote from the
+cover) "a barber, a gardener, a play-writer, a tramp, a
+waiter, a golfer, a stockbroker, a butler, a bank clerk, an
+assistant master at a private school, a Peer's son and a
+Knight of the Round Table." So there you are; and, if
+you don't see what you want in the window, you must be
+hard to please. Personally, I fancy I would give my vote
+for the play-writing stories. "<i>Experientia</i>," as <i>Mrs.
+Micawber's</i> late father used to observe, "<i>does it</i>"; and here
+I have the feeling that the
+author is upon tried ground.
+But not one of the collection
+will bore you; there is about
+them all too nice a deftness,
+too happy a gift of phrase.
+I am told by the publishers
+that the American public
+fully shares my approval of
+this engaging craftsman. It
+shows their sense. But, if
+there is any threat of removing
+Mr. <span class="sc">Wodehouse</span> permanently
+to the other side of
+the Atlantic, where already
+he goes far too much, my
+guinea shall head any public
+subscription to retain him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%" src="images/160.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Punctilious Burglar.</i> "<span class="sc">Sorry to disturb you, Guv'nor, but
+<i>would</i> you mind letting me have the thrippence for your
+share of the insurance stamp? This is the first job I've
+had this week.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In an extremely able but
+peculiarly unpleasant book,
+<i>The Questing Beast</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>),
+I think that Miss <span class="sc">Ivy Low</span>
+makes two serious mistakes.
+"Tell her," writes the heroine to a friend after the first of two
+irregular love affairs, "that I thought, 'I am not that kind of
+girl,' and tell her that there is no 'sort of girl,' and that life
+is a sea and human beings must catch hold of life-buoys to
+keep them afloat." To this it may be answered, however,
+that there <i>is</i> "that kind of girl," and that <i>Rachel Cohen was</i>
+"that kind of girl," and that it is a kind which deliberately
+rejects life-buoys when flung out to them. The second
+mistake, as it seems to me, in a novel which is in many
+ways a very clever piece of realism, is a strong feminist or,
+at any rate, anti-masculine bias. Against the cunning
+dissection of the character of <i>Charles Giddey</i>, a worthless
+and conceited egotist, I have no complaint to make. It is
+one of the best things of its kind that I have read for
+a long time. But it seems unlikely, to say the least, that
+the heroine, after being deserted by the man she really
+loves, should, considering her very erotic and unprincipled
+temperament, find complete happiness in the publication
+of a successful novel and in devotion to her child. I feel
+that on a nature like that of <i>Rachel Cohen</i> even Royalties
+and Press notices would eventually pall. And in pausing
+I may remark that the beast <i>Glatisant</i> cuts a very episodic
+and unsatisfactory figure in the <i>Morte D'Arthur</i>. Pursued
+for a short while by <i>Sir Palamides</i> in his Paynim days, it
+scarcely comes into the cognisance of <span class="sc">King Arthur's</span>
+Court and the Table Round. And I fancy that the circulating
+libraries will feel the same about "<i>The Questing
+Beast</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I do not think that I can recall any novel that makes
+such insistent demands upon the weather as does Miss <span class="sc">Joan
+Sutherland's</span> <i>Cophetua's Son</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>). The
+sun, the rain, the wind, the snow&mdash;these are from the first
+page to the last at their intensest, wildest, brightest, most
+furious, and as I closed the book and looked out upon a day
+of monotonous drizzle I thanked Heaven for the English
+climate. But I imagine that Miss <span class="sc">Sutherland</span> was aware
+that nothing but the most vigorous of climatic conditions
+would afford a true background for her hero's tempestuous
+soul. <i>Lucien de Guise</i> was unfortunate enough to be the
+son of a flower-girl, and I had no idea, until Miss
+<span class="sc">Sutherland</span> made it plain to me, how terrible his friends
+and the members of the smartest of London's clubs&mdash;"Will's,
+a place of great historic interest and brilliant
+reputation, developing gradually into one of the most exclusive
+clubs in London, and
+very strictly limited in numbers"&mdash;held
+so ignominious
+an origin. There is a scene
+in Will's where <i>Colonel Maclean</i>,
+"a handsome man and
+a famous soldier," expels <i>M.
+de Guise</i> "with a perceptible
+degree of asperity" in his
+voice&mdash;a scene that does the
+greatest credit to Miss
+<span class="sc">Sutherland's</span> imagination.
+Indeed, I am afraid that Miss
+<span class="sc">Sutherland's</span> ambition to
+write a really dramatic story
+has driven her into incredibilities
+of atmosphere, of
+incident, and of character.
+<i>M. de Guise</i>, with his flashing,
+gleaming eyes, his love
+of liqueurs, his passion for
+smashing the most priceless
+of Nankin vases whenever
+he sees them, is, surveyed
+under these grey English skies, an unreal figure, and his
+world, I am afraid, too brightly coloured to be convincing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Ruler</span> wanted for Ireland (N.S.); good wages, permanency to
+competent, reliable man.&mdash;Full particulars to Box 167, Daily News,
+Manchester."&mdash;<i>Daily News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Don't reply to it, Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span>. It is not in your line.
+It is a printer's advertisement, merely.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The accident caused great excitement in the neighbourhood. A
+large crowd quickly gathered, and several medical men were hurried
+to the sport."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Those well-known surgeons, <i>Mr. Robert Sawyer</i> and <i>Mr.
+Benjamin Allen</i>, enjoyed it most.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"A new French revue, entitled 'C'est Bon' (literally, 'It's Top-hole')
+is to be produced on Monday week."&mdash;<i>Evening News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Or, more roughly, "That's good."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In a catalogue of characters assumed at a Mayoral Fancy
+Dress Ball we are informed by <i>The Birmingham Daily Mail</i>
+that Professor and Mrs. <span class="sc">Sonnenschein</span> figured as "Socrates
+and Christian Thippe." Poor old pagan <span class="sc">Xanthippe</span>!
+<span class="sc">Socrates</span> is well avenged.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, February 25, 1914, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+February 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 7, 2007 [EBook #23760]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+*** Transcriber's Note:  Typo "Professsor" changed to "Professor" in the
+last paragraph of the last page. The symbol + was used to bracket where
+text appeared upside down in the original. ***
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 146.
+
+
+
+
+FEBRUARY 25, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+THE GERMAN CROWN PRINCE has the mumps. It seems that his Imperial Father
+was not consulted in the matter beforehand, and further domestic
+differences are anticipated.
+
+       * * *
+
+KING SISOVATH of Cambodia, we learn from _Le Petit Journal_, was so pleased
+with a white elephant sent him by the Governor-General of French Indo-China
+that he has raised the animal--a fine female--to the dignity of a Princess.
+The news soon got about, and considerable jealousy is felt at our Zoo,
+where there is not so much as even a baronet among the inmates.
+
+       * * *
+
+General VON PLETTENBURGH, commanding the Prussian Guards Corps, has issued
+a decree against the wearing of the so-called "tooth-brush" moustache,
+pointing out that such an appendage is unsuitable for a Prussian soldier
+and "not consonant with the German national character." The implication is
+very unpleasant.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is generally reported," says a contemporary, "that Sir EDWARD GREY
+speaks no German, and French very badly. M. VENIZELOS, the Greek Prime
+Minister, declared that he had the greatest difficulty in understanding Sir
+EDWARD'S French." As a matter of fact a little bird tells us that on this
+occasion our Foreign Secretary was speaking Greek.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Mr. Asquith," said _The Times_, "in a massage to the Liberal candidate for
+South Bucks, emphasizes the prime importance of the Irish issue." There is,
+of course, nothing like massage for rubbing things in.
+
+       * * *
+
+Herr BALLIN, head of the Hamburg-American Line, and Herr HEINEKEN, head of
+the rival North-German Lloyd Company, came to London last week, and are
+said to have concluded peace in the Atlantic rate war. We understand that
+the arrangement is to be known as the Pool of London.
+
+       * * *
+
+The authorities at Barotse, _The Globe_ tells us, have put a price on the
+heads of all lions there. One can picture the mean sportsman, with a pair
+of field-glasses, picking out the cheapest before firing.
+
+       * * *
+
+     "61,000 TERRITORIALS SHORT."
+
+     _Daily Mail._
+
+Still, it is pretty generally recognised now that a small man may make
+every bit as good a soldier as a big one, and, besides, there is always
+less of him to hit.
+
+       * * *
+
+Among the temporary teachers appointed to carry on schools in Herefordshire
+during the teachers' strike was an asylum attendant. This confirms the
+report that many of the children were mad at finding that the schools did
+not close in consequence of the strike.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is denied that the name of the Philharmonic Hall, where Mr. PONTING'S
+moving pictures of the Antarctic Expedition are being shown, is to be
+changed to the Philmharmonic Hall.
+
+       * * *
+
+RICHARD STRAUSS'S new work, dealing with the story, of JOSEPH and
+POTIPHAR'S wife, is to be produced shortly in Paris. A musical play version
+of it, entitled "After the Man," may be looked for here.
+
+       * * *
+
+From Rome comes the news that a young man who was being examined in a
+hospital there has been found to have two separate stomachs. This
+announcement that the ideal man has at last been evolved has caused the
+greatest excitement here in Corporation circles.
+
+       * * *
+
+        "LYCEUM CLUB.
+     100 YEARS OF PEACE."
+
+     _Daily Telegraph._
+
+Surely a record for a lady's club?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CLOSE OF THE COURSING SEASON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+          "CHANGE OF NAME.
+                FROM
+     JACOB GALBA IWUSHUKU-BRIGHT
+                 TO
+      GALBA IWUCHUKU OLUKOTUN."
+
+     _Sierra Leone Weekly News._
+
+We notice no improvement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+Notice in a shop window at Reading:
+
+     "TRY ----'S SAUSAGES: NONE LIKE 'EM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CIVIL WAR ESTIMATES.
+
+(_A Ministerial Apology._)
+
+  Your talk is vanity, you who lightly vouch
+    That we, indifferent to the country's call, shun
+  A crisis under which the People crouch
+    Like DAMOCLES beneath the pendent falchion;
+  That from our minds, incredibly deluded,
+        Ulster is still excluded.
+
+  It is not so. All day (between our meals)
+    We find this topic really most attractive;
+  In watches of the night it often steals
+    Into our waking dreams, and keeps us active,
+  Like sportsmen whom the rude mosquito chases,
+        Trying to save our faces.
+
+  But we have other tasks, and "Duty First"
+    Must be our cry before we yield to Pleasure;
+  Our Annual Estimates must be rehearsed
+    Ere more alluring themes engage our leisure;
+  The Budget's claims are urgent; Ulster's fate
+        Can obviously wait.
+
+  Besides, no Government should go to war
+    Without the wherewithal to pay for forage,
+  For ammunition and a Flying Corps
+    And canned meats to stimulate the courage;
+  And this applies, as far as we can tell,
+        To civil wars as well.
+
+  For, though our foes confine us to a sphere
+    Of relatively narrow operations,
+  We are advised that they may cost us dear,
+    And therefore, in our coming calculations,
+  As Trustees of the Race we dare not miss
+        To estimate for this.
+
+  Hence these delays--all carefully thought out.
+    But when from hibernation we emerge on
+  The vernal prime and things begin to sprout,
+    Our Ulster policy shall also burgeon;
+  With sap of April coursing through our blood
+        We too shall burst in bud.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT RESIGNER.
+
+(_A Forecast._)
+
+_March, 1914._
+
+     Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN describes Mr. JOHN REDMOND as "brother to the
+     middle-aged sea-serpent from the County Clare."
+
+     Mr. JOHN REDMOND denies that he is a sea-serpent.
+
+     Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, having denounced this denial as "the last effort
+     of a defeated dastard," resigns his seat for Cork City.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN is re-elected without a contest.
+
+_April, 1914._
+
+     Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN in an impassioned speech advocates conciliation
+     all round in Ireland, and refers to Mr. JOHN REDMOND as "a moth-eaten,
+     moss-gathering malingerer of unparalleled ferocity."
+
+     Mr. REDMOND is seen to smile.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN, declaring that he has never been so much insulted in his
+     life, resigns his seat for Cork City.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN is re-elected without a contest.
+
+_May, 1914._
+
+     An Alderman of Cork fails to take off his hat to Mr. O'BRIEN.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN summons a meeting of his supporters and, in a five-hours'
+     speech, states that, in spite of the unexampled infamy of Mr. REDMOND,
+     he will never abandon his efforts for Irish unity.
+
+     Mr. REDMOND says nothing.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN states that "the truckling truculence of a mock-modest
+     monster of meretricious mendacity cannot be allowed to prevail against
+     a policy of sober and sympathetic silence."
+
+     Mr. REDMOND having abstained from a reply, Mr. O'BRIEN resigns his
+     seat for Cork City and is shortly afterwards re-elected without a
+     contest.
+
+_June, 1914._
+
+     Mr. ASQUITH, in moving the Second Reading of the Home Rule Bill, does
+     not mention Mr. O'BRIEN, who swoons in his place and is carried
+     speechless from the House of Commons.
+
+     On the following day Mr. O'BRIEN issues to the world a manifesto of
+     60,000 words, in which he describes Mr. REDMOND as "a palsied purveyor
+     of pledge-breaking platitudes," and announces that the Irish question
+     can be settled only by the good will of men of all parties.
+
+     Mr. REDMOND takes no notice.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN declares that he can no longer pursue a policy of
+     conciliation and mildness, and resigns his seat for Cork City as a
+     protest against the "frenzied flaunting of flattery and folly" in
+     which, he says, Mr. REDMOND spends his time.
+
+     Mr. O'BRIEN, having been re-elected without a contest, immediately
+     re-resigns twelve times in advance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CINEMA NEWS.
+
+Final preparations have now been made to film Mr. THORNTON'S first day as
+General Manager of the Great Eastern Railway. By kind permission of Lord
+CLAUD HAMILTON representatives of all the other railway companies are to be
+present to take notes, like the foreign military attaches in a war. A good
+"movie" should result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another film which should provide entertainment and instruction in the
+highest degree is the "Day in the Life of Mr. C. K. SHORTER" which is now
+being arranged for. The great critic will be followed hour by hour with
+faithful persistence. He will be seen editing _The Sphere_ with one hand
+and putting all the writing fellows in their place with the other. He will
+be seen in that wonderful library of his which covers two acres in St.
+John's Wood, reading, annotating and correcting; he will be seen at lunch
+at his club with other intellectual kings, his intimate friends; shaking
+hands with Mr. HARDY; entering a taxi; leaving a taxi and paying the fare;
+dining with Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; attending a first night and applauding
+only when applause is merited; and finally returning home to read more
+books. In all, about fourteen miles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It will be regretfully learned by the great public, always ready for new
+thrillers, that all efforts to induce Mr. BALFOUR to part with the cinema
+rights of his Gifford lectures have failed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "In consequence of the farm labourers and carters employed on various
+     farms in the parish and village of Chitterne having come out on
+     strike, work of all kinds, with the exception of lambing, is at a
+     complete standstill."--_Bath and Wilts Chronicle._
+
+These black-leg ewes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mr. Kipling, who met with a warm deception."--_Daily Graphic._
+
+Not a bit of it. Everyone was frankly delighted to see and hear him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE THRONE PERILOUS.
+
+AUSTRIA AND ITALY (_to the new Ruler of Albania_). "BE SEATED, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to her boy, who has just struck his little sister
+with his Teddy bear_). "WHY DID YOU HIT YOUR SISTER IN THE FACE, JOHN?"
+
+_John._ "'COS IT WAS THE ONLY PART OF HER I COULD SEE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL DIAGNOSIS.
+
+DR. JAMES CANTLIE has reported that "the placing of a tuning-fork; against
+the body of a patient enables him to gauge the limits of the liver with
+almost hair-breadth precision." He believes that musical diagnosis will
+prove reliable in the case of broken bones, and asserts that already it has
+been proved that a fatty liver gives out tones distinct from a cirrhosed
+liver.
+
+A superb performance of Herr RICHARD STRAUSS'S "German Measles Concerto"
+was given last night by the Queen's Hall orchestra. The tempo was
+throughout wonderfully high. The three fine solo passages for the left
+kidney were finely rendered; while the exquisite _diminuendo_ to
+convalescence with which the work concludes greatly impressed a neurotic
+audience.
+
+The tuning-fork test has proved that several of the most popular of recent
+rag-time tunes were originally scored by the brain of a patient who had met
+with a severe concussion while attempting to escape over the high wall of
+an Asylum for Incurable Idiots.
+
+An interesting incident is reported in the Medical press from a well-known
+Nursing Home. It appears that one of the female attendants, on applying the
+tuning-fork to what was alleged to be the broken heart of a patient, was
+astonished to obtain as response the first five bars of "You Made Me Love
+You." The case has, we learn, been since discharged cured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NUPTIAL NOVELTIES.
+
+     ["Two prominent members of the Herne Bay Angling Association were
+     married on Saturday afternoon at St. Martin's Church, Herne Bay.
+
+     An interesting feature of the wedding was the assembly of members of
+     the association, who lined the pathway to the church door and formed
+     an archway of fishing-rods, to which silver horseshoes had been
+     attached.
+
+     The bridegroom's father is not only president of the angling
+     association, but captain of the Herne Bay Fire Brigade, members of
+     which formed a guard of honour with crossed hatchets."--_Daily
+     Chronicle._]
+
+The nuptials of Mr. Desmond Waddilove and Miss Esther Priddie, whose
+parents are prominently implicated in the milk trade, were marked by
+several interesting and appropriate spectacular incidents. A specially
+attractive feature was the progress of the wedding procession between a
+double row of milk-cans. Later on the bride and bridegroom left for Cowes
+(I.W.) amid a volley of pats of butter deftly hurled by the officials of
+the Sursum Corda Dairy Company, Ltd.
+
+Last Saturday the wedding of Mr. Nestor Young and Miss Leonora Dargle was
+celebrated with great _eclat_ at St. Mark's, Datchet. Out of respect for
+the calling of the bride's father all the wedding party proceeded to the
+sacred edifice in bath-chairs, which imparted to the ceremony an air of
+solemnity too often neglected at up-to-date weddings. The bridegroom's
+father being a leading pork-butcher, imitation sausages formed part of the
+trimmings of the bride's going-away dress.
+
+Mr. Donald MacLurkin, the golf professional of the Culbin Sands Golf Club,
+was married last Friday at Lossiemouth to Miss Janet Sutor, of Cromarty. A
+charming effect was produced by a guard of honour, composed of members of
+the golf club, holding aloft crossed brassies, beneath which the happy pair
+passed into the church, while the caddies clashed niblicks and other iron
+clubs. The bride wore a cream silk bogey skirt, slightly caught up so as to
+show the pink dots of the stymied underskirt, and a simple Dunlop V
+corsage. A dainty little pot-bunker hat completed a costume as novel as it
+was natty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROYALISTS.
+
+Eight of us travel up to town every morning by the Great Suburban Railway.
+I have no politics. Gibbs is a Unionist Free Trader. Three of the others
+are Radicals and three Unionists. On one side of the compartment are ranged
+_The Daily Mail_, _The Daily Express_ and _The Daily Telegraph_. Boldly
+confronting them are two _Daily Chronicles_ and a _Daily News_. Gibbs
+contents himself with a _Daily Graphic_, while I choose every day the paper
+with the least sensational placard.
+
+You can imagine what the journeys are like. Filmer will put down his _Daily
+Express_ and say with feeling, "If I could only get that infernal Welsher
+by the throat." Then Rodgers will lay down his _Daily News_ and sneer,
+"What has aggravated the toadies of the Dukes to-day?" In a moment the
+battle is in full swing. Bennett breaks in with assertions that peace and
+unity will never prevail till the Cabinet has been hanged. Chalmers makes a
+mild proposal for the imprisonment of the Armament Ring which is gnawing at
+the country's vitals. And when there has been a by-election and both sides
+claim the moral victory I have no doubt that the men in signal-boxes think
+that murder is taking place in our carriage.
+
+However, one day Filmer made a reference to Marconi speculations which
+caused Rodgers to shake the dust from his feet (an easy thing on the Great
+Suburban line) and leave the compartment at the next station. Then Chalmers
+and Simcox bore down on Filmer with statistics about our booming trade.
+When we reached the next station, Filmer darted out of the compartment,
+declining to travel any longer with a set of miserable Cobdenite Little
+Englanders. I was horrified--not at the absence of Rodgers and Filmer,
+which could have been endured--but at the idea that the gaps they left in
+the carriage might be tilled up by even worse persons than politicians.
+Suppose golfers took their places. On one occasion, when Gibbs had
+influenza, an intruder had described to us the fixing of a new carburettor
+to his car.
+
+Then the great idea came to me--the formation of the Society. The next
+morning I went up to Filmer and Rodgers as they stood apart from us and
+each other on the platform and said, "Come to the others for a moment. They
+want to apologise to you."
+
+They didn't, but sometimes one has to choose between the cause of peace and
+that of truth.
+
+"Gentlemen," I said, "I have noticed this. Nearly all our little
+controversies begin in one way. Somebody says, 'I call a spade a spade and
+BONAR LAW (or LLOYD GEORGE) a lying, treacherous scoundrel.' I propose that
+we form ourselves into the Society for Not Calling a Spade a Spade."
+
+"What do you propose to call it? 'A Royal'?" This from Gibbs, who is a
+master of auction bridge.
+
+"By all means," I said. "It gives dignity and an enhanced value to a vulgar
+agricultural utensil. And the Society can be called 'The Royalists' for
+short. Its single rule is to be this, that any member speaking of any
+politician of the opposite Party except in terms of eulogy shall be fined
+ten shillings and sixpence. The fines to be divided equally between the
+Tariff Reform League and the Free Trade Union."
+
+For a moment there was hesitation. Then the Opposition rejoiced at the idea
+of hearing the Radicals praise LAW and LONG, and the Radicals thought it
+would be ecstasy to hear panegyrics of LLOYD GEORGE and MASTERMAN from the
+Unionists.
+
+The Society was formed at once and has proved an enormous success. Peace
+and goodwill reign amongst us. It is a perpetual delight to see Filmer put
+down his _Daily Express_ and with the veins bulging out from his forehead
+say, "That accurate and careful financier who has so immeasurably raised
+the status of the Chancellorship of the Exchequer"; or to hear Chalmers
+remark, "Sad would it be if that most honey-tongued and softhearted of
+politicians, dear F. E. SMITH, should have his life ended by a British
+bayonet."
+
+One or two prepare their delicate eulogies beforehand and refer to notes;
+but this is thought unfair. The compartment, as a whole, prefers the
+impromptu praise that has the air of coming from the heart.
+
+I am thinking of offering to the House of Commons and the House of Lords
+free membership in The Royalists. Perhaps Messrs. LLOYD GEORGE and LEO
+MAXSE would consent to act as perpetual Joint Presidents, with Lord HUGH
+CECIL and the Rev. Dr. CLIFFORD as Chaplains.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _MacBull._ "I SHALL BE A GAY GRASS WIDOWER FOR THE NEXT TWO
+MONTHS--WIFE'S GONE FOR A HOLIDAY TO THE WEST INDIES."
+
+_O'Bear._ "JAMAICA?"
+
+_MacBull._ "NO, IT WAS HER OWN IDEA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "He is only a tame duck who with sheepish timidity attempts to
+     controvert the determination of a body of frontiersmen from their
+     purpose by firing at them with a water squirt."
+
+     _Bulawayo Chronicle._
+
+It sounds more like a wild duck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From Publishers' Announcements:--
+
+     "'BORROWED THOUGHTS.'
+
+     (A Handbook for Lent, with an Introduction by a popular Bishop.) Limp,
+     9d."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Lot 3. Extra Dry, Cuvee Beservee, 60/-. A really excellent pure Wine,
+     which we bought lying abroad."
+
+We trust they won't sell it lying at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Generally crime is normal and no increase in mortality is reported.
+     Little wandering, emigration, or emaciation is noticed. Cattle are
+     being sold in large numbers in Hamirpur. Blankets are being
+     distributed to the poor.
+
+     (_For other Sporting News see page 8_)."
+
+     _Advocate of India._
+
+There is nothing narrow about the sporting tastes of our Oriental
+contemporary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Larry._ "TRESHPASSING, IS UT? JUST WAIT TILL WE GIT HOME
+RULE. IVERY MAN'LL DO AS HE LIKES THIN--AND THIM'S THAT WON'T'LL BE MADE
+TO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INVADERS.
+
+From all sides news pours in concerning the rush for American managers of
+English concerns. At last the excellence of the American businessman's
+habits are being recognised, probably not a little owing to the vogue of
+such plays as _Get-rich-quick Wallingford_, _Broadway Jones_ and _The
+Fortune Hunters_, wherein we see hustling methods justifying by their
+success all the odd measures which led to dollars. That the dominating
+business man who thus rises to greatness has to marry a clerk or typist is
+perhaps only a detail, but if the plays are to be taken as a guide it is
+expected of him.
+
+The great tailoring house of Tarn, which has just appointed a manager from
+Cleveland, Ohio, on the advice of Lord CLAUD HAMILTON, has completely
+transformed its cutting department. All jackets are now made to reach to
+the knees, with shoulders that project beyond the wearer's body one foot on
+each side. The trousers are wide at the knees and tight at the ankles, and
+are very effective. Walking-sticks must not be worn with these suits.
+Messrs. Tarn hope to bring back the frock coat very shortly, especially for
+politicians.
+
+The American scholar who has just been appointed to the Chair of English
+Composition at Oxford has already made some drastic reforms. No longer may
+the student write that he has a book "at home"; he must say "to home." The
+participle "got" has gone in favour of "gotten"; while the only text-books
+in use are of Trans-Atlantic origin. The University has adopted the college
+cry of "No, No, No Eng Lish Need, Need, Need Apply!"
+
+This yell will be used by Oxford partisans at the Inter-University Sports
+during the performances of American RHODES Scholars.
+
+The latest news to reach us as we go to press is that the directors of
+various London music halls are thinking seriously whether or not they will
+call in American assistance for their revues, either producers, actors or
+musicians. But this is an innovating step which will require the deepest
+thought.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SINGING WATER.
+
+  I heard--'twas on a morning, but when it was and where,
+  Except that well I heard it, I neither know nor care--
+  I heard, and, oh, the sunlight was shining in the blue,
+  A little water singing as little waters do.
+
+  At Lechlade and at Buscot, where Summer days are long,
+  The tiny rills and ripples they tremble into song;
+  And where the silver Windrush brings down her liquid gems,
+  There's music in the wavelets she tosses to the Thames.
+
+  The eddies have an air too, and brave it is and blithe;
+  I think I may have heard it that day at Bablockhythe;
+  And where the Eynsham weir-fall breaks out in rainbow spray
+  The Evenlode comes singing to join the pretty play.
+
+  But where I heard that music I cannot rightly tell;
+  I only know I heard it, and that I know full well:
+  I heard a little water, and, oh, the sky was blue,
+  A little water singing as little waters do.
+
+  R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN APOLOGY THAT MADE THINGS WORSE.
+
+We had a fancy-dress ball on December 30th. They have these things in
+nearly all Swiss Hotels and you have to put up with them. As a matter of
+fact Matilda and I enjoyed ourselves. We supped well and danced quite
+often. At 3.30 A.M. we set out for our rooms. We took a lighted candle with
+us to keep us warm as we went. The way to get the most warmth from a candle
+is to sit round it. As the corridor was cold, we sat round the candle
+outside Miss Wortley's room, but this was quite accidental.
+
+We didn't know that she had gone to bed at 10.30 P.M. with the primary
+object of sleeping and the ulterior motive of getting up the next morning
+in time to catch an early train. We weren't to know that she had wasted her
+time from 11 P.M. to 3.25 A.M. listening to a procession of revellers
+retiring to their rooms. We had no suspicion that she was just dozing off
+for the first time when we stopped to warm ourselves. We really made very
+little noise, though we may have laughed just a little. The report which
+has got about, that I tried to climb up the wall to see the time, is
+inaccurate. The clock is not nearly high enough up the wall to render this
+necessary, and I didn't care a button what the time was.
+
+If we had known that the Germans who ought to have been asleep in the room
+opposite to Miss Wortley would come out into the corridor and shout in
+their nasty guttural language, we should probably not have tried to find
+out whether anything was attached to the other end of a piece of tape that
+protruded from under their door. It was quite a long piece of tape, and
+there was something attached to the end of it, though we never found out
+what that something was. Anyway, it was too large to pass under the door,
+though we pulled the tape quite hard. We had just given up our
+investigation and reached our respective rooms when the German family
+arrived in the corridor and commented on the matter.
+
+I can't see that we were really to blame because Miss Wortley suffered from
+insomnia, missed her early train next morning and had to pay an extra half
+franc for having breakfast in her bedroom. She was very unpleasant about it
+and went round telling everybody that we had kept her awake all night. She
+was one of those women who----But there, I don't want to be nasty, and
+anyone who reads this will guess the kind of woman she was.
+
+The next day was New Year's Eve. After dinner we took part in an Ice
+Carnival, then we saw the New Year in, and then we drank practically
+everybody's health. At 2 A.M. I was sitting in the lounge talking to
+Matilda when a kind of peaceful sensation came over me, and I began to be
+sorry that there was any bad feeling between Miss Wortley and us; so I said
+to Matilda, It's New Year's Day and I should like to start it on friendly
+terms with everyone, including Miss Wortley. I think I shall apologise to
+her about last night; we may have been a little thoughtless."
+
+"I don't see what there is to apologise for," said Matilda, "but I suppose
+it can't do any harm and it may help to make things pleasant all round. If
+you're going to apologise I suppose I ought to do the same."
+
+"Come on then," I said.
+
+"Where to?"
+
+"To apologise."
+
+"Don't be absurd; we can't apologise now. We'll apologise to-morrow."
+
+"We might miss her to-morrow, and we ought to do a thing like this without
+delay and as early in the New Year as possible. If I don't do it now, I may
+not feel apologetic later on, and I don't want to go through the year with
+even a tittle of Miss Wortley's insomnia on my conscience."
+
+Matilda seemed rather uncertain about it, but after a time recognised that
+I was right, and we went up to Miss Wortley's room. I had to knock loudly
+on her door before I got any answer, but eventually a sleepy voice said,
+"Come in."
+
+I didn't think that we had better do that, so I knocked again.
+
+"All right, you can bring in the water."
+
+"It isn't exactly your shaving water--in fact it's hardly time to get up
+yet," I shouted.
+
+"What's the matter? Is the place on fire?" I heard sounds as of a person
+getting out of bed, so I said, "You needn't get up, it's only us. We wanted
+to apologise about last night. We're sorry you didn't sleep very well. Of
+course it wasn't altogether our fault, but still we thought that we should
+like to apologise; in fact we didn't feel that we could go to sleep until
+we had apologised; and--and we wanted to wish you a Happy New Year."
+
+I am not sure that I did the thing very well, but I am sure that it would
+have sounded better and that I shouldn't have ended so lamely if Matilda
+hadn't been so tactless as to laugh in the middle. Somehow I got the idea
+that the apology hadn't been accepted in the spirit in which it had been
+tendered. Suspicious sounds came from within, including the click of a
+water jug; also the German family opposite seemed to be under the
+impression that it was time to get up--so we didn't wait to say Good-night,
+but slipped quietly out of the way. Miss Wortley's door and the door
+opposite opened simultaneously. There were two splashes like water thrown
+from jugs, and I fancy that more than one person got wet. It isn't easy to
+discover exactly what is happening when two people are shouting at the tops
+of their voices in different languages, but I didn't gather that they quite
+cleared the matter up to their mutual satisfaction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVERY AUTHOR'S WIFE.
+
+     ["What is the first step towards literary production? It is
+     imperative, if you wish to write with any freshness at all, that you
+     should utterly ruin your digestion."--_H. G. WELLS_.]
+
+  "What have you dined on, husband mine?"
+  "Chocolate creams and ginger wine."
+
+  "What did you take as an appetiser?"
+  "Haggis and Sauerkraut a la Kaiser."
+
+  "Didn't they give you any sweet?"
+  "Hard-boiled eggs and whisky neat."
+
+  "And your fruit, I trust, was over-ripe?"
+  "Doughnuts five with a pound of tripe."
+
+  "Have you had nothing at all since then?"
+  "Lobster and stout." "Then here's your pen,
+
+  "You must do a chapter or two to-night;
+  Have a banana and start to write."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New Anglo-German Entente.
+
+     "Young gentlemen wish young English lady to learn know for the common
+     joint exchange for the language sunday by flying outs Pleasing
+     writing at the office chiffre J. 810."--_Leipziger Neuste
+     Nachrichten._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "NOTICE.
+
+     In order to popularise the Corporation Crematorium, at Crematorium
+     Road, the Corporation have decided as an experimental measure to
+     abolish the fees now charged for the use of the Crematorium for one
+     year."
+
+     _Capital_ (_Calcutta_).
+
+The inducement leaves us cold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Infant Samson.
+
+     "2s. 6d. REWARD will be paid for name of Small Boy who pushed a Cab
+     Horse down in the Station Yard, Teigumouth."
+
+     _Express and Echo_ (_Exeter_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Commercial Candour.
+
+From a Leeds grocer's circular:--
+
+     "A perfection of blending is obtained in ---- Tea, which, upon
+     analysis, is pronounced to be absolutely injurious to health."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HAVE YOU ANY GOLF BALLS GUARANTEED TO GO STRAIGHT?"
+
+"NOT HERE, MADAM. YOU MIGHT TRY THE CONJURING DEPARTMENT--FIRST FLOOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL FILM PLOT.
+
+     [The brisk demand by Cinema companies for new picture-play stories has
+     led many writers of talent to turn their attention to this fascinating
+     branch of literature. Unfortunately they often fail not only to
+     acquire a proper knowledge of the technique of the art, but to take
+     steps to ascertain what the public really wants. With the object of
+     helping authors in both directions we publish below a scenario which
+     has been described by an authority as "the ideal film plot."]
+
+THE FIREBRAND'S REDEMPTION.
+
+_Persons_:
+
+_Ferdinand_, a Cowboy.
+_General Devereux._
+_Phyllis Devereux_, his daughter.
+_Joe_, a soldier.
+_Cowboys_, _miners_, _soldiers_, _Indians_,
+_etc._
+
+
+PART I.
+
+Ferdinand's _headlong career to the Devil is arrested by the beautiful_
+Phyllis Devereux.
+
+FIRST SCENE.--A drinking saloon in the Wild West. Cowboys, miners and
+Western demi-mondaines playing cards at top speed and drinking heavily.
+Enter _Ferdinand_, drunk and carrying a huge revolver in each hand and a
+tomahawk between his teeth. He forces the bar-tender to "hands up" and
+begins shooting down the bottles ranged along the counter. Enter _Phyllis_.
+As soon as _Ferdinand_ sees her he drops the pistols and trembles
+violently. _Phyllis_ regards him searchingly and leaves the saloon.
+_Ferdinand_ follows unsteadily. Projection on screen:--
+
+     --------------------------------
+     | Gee, boys! Ferd's hit, sure! |
+     --------------------------------
+
+SECOND SCENE.--Outside the saloon. _Phyllis_ is seen entering a sumptuous
+motor. _Ferdinand_ falls to his knees, but she disregards him. As the motor
+moves away he prepares to strike himself on the back of the neck with his
+tomahawk, but when the fatal blow is about to fall _Phyllis_ leans over the
+back of the car and blows him a kiss. Enlargement of _Ferdinand's_ face
+working with emotion and finally settling into an expression of immense
+determination. Projection on screen:--
+
+     ---------------------------------
+     | I swear never to drink again! |
+     ---------------------------------
+
+
+PART II.
+
+Ferdinand _is called upon to show himself worthy, but the old Adam
+conquers_.
+
+FIRST SCENE.--Outside _General Devereux's_ tent. Soldiers, Staff Officers,
+etc. _General_ sits in full uniform at a table. Enter _Joe_, a very fat
+soldier. He trips over his rifle, turns a somersault and salutes. The
+_General_ points to the left and _Joe_ goes off. Enter _Phyllis_, who talks
+and gesticulates with feeling. Projection on screen:--
+
+     --------------------
+     | Pop, I love him! |
+     --------------------
+
+Enter _Ferdinand_. Much talk and discussion. Projection on screen:--
+
+     ------------------------------------------
+     | You must prove yourself worthy of her! |
+     ------------------------------------------
+
+The _General_ points dramatically to the left and writes at great speed.
+Projection on screen, in angular/handwriting:--
+
+     ----------------------------------------
+     | Send help at once! We are surrounded |
+     | and in sore straits!--_Devereux._    |
+     ----------------------------------------
+
+He hands paper to _Ferdinand_. Both point dramatically to the left.
+_Phyllis_ leans over her lover's shoulder and reads. All three point
+dramatically to the left.
+
+SECOND SCENE.--A wood. Enter _Joe_, walking cautiously. Suddenly a Red
+Indian in full war paint rushes towards him. _Joe_ turns tail and flies.
+
+THIRD SCENE.--More wood. _Joe_ is seen running at about thirty-five miles
+an hour, pursued by seven Indians.
+
+FOURTH SCENE.--A tract of rocky country. _Joe_ is seen running at about
+fifty-two miles an hour, pursued by fifteen Indians.
+
+FIFTH SCENE.--The bank of a river. _Joe_ is seen running at about
+seventy-eight miles an hour, pursued by twenty-three Indians. He trips over
+a stone and falls into the water. Enter _Ferdinand_ on horseback. He
+dismounts and fires a revolver. Four Indians bite the dust. He fires again.
+Four more Indians bite the dust and the rest fly. _Ferdinand_ shades his
+right eye, peers into the river, dives in and presently reappears with
+_Joe_. The latter feels anxiously in his pockets and produces a flask. He
+hands it to _Ferdinand_, who drinks. Enlargement of _Ferdinand_ drinking.
+
+
+PART III.
+
+Phyllis _again to the rescue_.
+
+FIRST SCENE.--The same. _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ lie on the ground drunk.
+Enter _Phyllis_ disguised as a soldier. Expressive despair. She searches
+_Ferdinand's_ pockets and finds despatch, which is again projected on the
+screen. She points dramatically to the left and looks doubtfully at
+_Ferdinand_. Then she takes out a revolver, averts her eyes and shoots him
+in the shoulder. Projection on screen:--
+
+     ---------------------------------------
+     | They will think he has been wounded |
+     |    by the enemy and will suspect    |
+     |               nothing!              |
+     ---------------------------------------
+
+SECOND SCENE.--A wood. _Phyllis_ on horseback riding at a great pace and
+waving the despatch in her right hand.
+
+
+PART IV.
+
+_All's well that ends well._
+
+FIRST SCENE.--A hospital. _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ lying in cots and attended
+by nurses. _Ferdinand_ signals to _Joe_ and they leap out of bed, gag the
+nurses and tie them up with towels. Then they make a rope of bedclothes and
+climb out of the window.
+
+SECOND SCENE.--Outside the hospital. _Ferdinand_, in pyjamas, is seen
+sliding rapidly down the rope. _Joe_ follows. The rope breaks and he falls
+with a crash to the ground.
+
+THIRD SCENE.--A field, with an aeroplane attended by mechanics standing in
+it. Enter _Ferdinand_ and _Joe_ running. They climb into the machine, the
+motor is started and they shoot out of the picture.
+
+FOURTH SCENE.--The sky. An aeroplane flying very high and very fast.
+
+FIFTH SCENE.--A forest. _Phyllis_ is tied to a tree and three Red Indians
+are about to run her through with spears. Suddenly they look upwards as if
+disturbed by some noise. At this moment _Ferdinand_ drops to the ground
+from the top of the picture. He at once shoots the Indians and releases
+_Phyllis_. The latter points dramatically to the right and produces a
+paper. Projection on screen:--
+
+     -------------------------------
+     | 30,000 men will relieve you |
+     | to-morrow!--_Conolly._      |
+     -------------------------------
+
+_Ferdinand_ and _Phyllis_ both point dramatically to the right.
+
+SIXTH SCENE.--Outside the _General's_ tent. Soldiers and Staff Officers as
+before. Enter _Ferdinand_ and _Phyllis_. _Ferdinand_ hands the despatch to
+the _General_. Despatch is again projected on the screen. The _General_
+rises and salutes with much emotion. All present salute, _Ferdinand_ clasps
+_Phyllis_ in his arms to kiss her.
+
+SEVENTH SCENE.--The Kiss--about twenty-five times life-size.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress_ (_discussing housemaid who has given notice_).
+"WELL, OF COURSE, IF SHE WANTS TO GO SHE MUST. BUT IT SEEMS FOOLISH OF HER
+IF HER ONLY REASON IS THAT SHE WANTS A CHANGE. SHE WON'T GET A BETTER PLACE
+THAN THIS."
+
+_Cook._ "THAT'S JUST WHAT I TELL THE SILLY GIRL, MA'AM. 'DEPEND UPON IT,' I
+SAYS TO HER, 'YOU'LL ONLY BE GOING OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN INTO THE FIRE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mr. G. Dyson, who succeeded Mr. W. S. Bambridge as organist at the
+     college a little over two years ago, is leaving to go to Rugby, as
+     organist there. Since he has been at Marlborough Mr. Dyson has given a
+     large number of much-appreciated recitals in the college chapel. The
+     organ is still undergoing repair."--_The Standard._
+
+We make no comment. This is Rugby's affair, not ours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DESPERATE REMEDIES.
+
+COLONEL HERBERT H. ASQUITH (_to Colonel ANDREW B. LAW, on observing that he
+also has taken a leaf out of Lord CLAUD HAMILTON'S book_). "GUESS YOU WON'T
+CUT ANY ICE, BONAR, UNLESS YOU SHAVE THAT MOUSTACHE OFF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 16._--WORTHINGTON EVANS charmed House
+to-day by one of those little delicacies of feeling and taste favoured in
+the assembly. MASTERMAN has met the reward of conspicuous success at the
+Treasury by promotion to Cabinet rank. In his absence his place temporarily
+taken at Question Time by WEDGWOOD BENN, who, while careful to deprecate
+personal responsibility for promise to give 9_d._ for 4_d._, displayed
+remarkable intimacy with intricacies of the Insurance Act. WORTHINGTON
+EVANS, having as usual, after the leisure of a week-end, provided himself
+with collection of conundrums based on its working, knew that when he came
+down to-day he would find MASTERMAN'S seat empty.
+
+Marked the occasion by presenting himself in mourning array--not the
+profoundest black such as _Hamlet_ upon occasion affected, but a prevalence
+of decorous colour provided in what is known in drapers' shops as "The
+Mitigated Affliction Department." An uncompromising black tie was a
+determining note in his attire, testifying to sincere regret at parting
+from a Minister whom for three Sessions he has, so to speak, riddled with
+conundrums.
+
+Insurance Act has suddenly again sprung into prominence. By odd accident
+revival is coincident with couple of by-elections going forward in
+Metropolis. JOYNSON-HICKS much struck by circumstance that announcement of
+scheme under the Act dealing with casual labour at the docks is promulgated
+just now, when election is proceeding in a constituency where there happen
+to be many docks and a multitude of casual labourers who have votes.
+
+BONNER LAW, when he comes to think of it, equally surprised. Would the
+CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER oblige by explaining? As for LORD BOB CECIL, he
+is so perturbed that he momentarily forgets he has leading question to
+address to PREMIER designed to extract secret intention with respect to
+amending Home Rule Bill.
+
+LLOYD GEORGE, always ready to oblige, explains that scheme in question was
+prepared last Autumn, had frequently been referred to by MASTERMAN whilst
+still at the Treasury.
+
+"I am sure," he added, with twinkle in his eye, "we owe a debt of gratitude
+to Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS for calling further attention to the matter at this
+particular moment."
+
+Opposition not to be put off by badinage. Discover in apparently innocent
+accident evidence of that deep-seated tendency to import bribery and
+corruption into by-elections of which one of the Whips was this afternoon
+made a terrible example.
+
+Above and below Gangway Members popped up desiring to put further
+questions. Too much even for patience of SPEAKER. Suggested matter had
+better be raised upon debate.
+
+"Why, cert'nly," said JOYNSON-HICKS.
+
+[Illustration: Lord ROBERT CECIL is "perturbed."]
+
+Accordingly, when at eleven o'clock debate on Address automatically stood
+adjourned, and Members were anxious to get home, the JOCUND JOYNSON turned
+up, and we had it all over again for space of half-an-hour.
+
+_Business done._--ORMSBY-GORE moved amendment expressing regret that, in
+spite of all they had heard to its detriment in Lords and Commons,
+Government intend to proceed with Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill. On
+division amendment negatived by 279 votes against 217. Reduction of normal
+Ministerial majority hailed with delight on Opposition benches.
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday._--"What's this?" SARK asked, looking in at
+half-past four and finding House crowded with throng of strangers blocking
+approaches. "Is it the Land or the Church?"
+
+"Neither," said MARCHAMLEY; "it's Marconi."
+
+"Ah," said SARK, as if that explained everything.
+
+On paper stood motion in name of AMPTHILL for appointment of Select
+Committee to enquire into relation of Lord MURRAY with Marconi business.
+The name, more blessed than Mesopotamia, stirred glad Opposition to
+profoundest depths. Thought it over and done with; and here it was again,
+blooming like the aloe, though after briefer interval. Excitement broke
+through ordinarily ice-bound calm of the House.
+
+Opposition benches crowded to fullest capacity. Privy Councillors and sons
+of Peers jostled each other on steps of Throne. Peeresses flocked down by
+the score. Curious effect of latest fashion in headgear displayed in side
+galleries. Nearly every bonnet--or were they hats?--was loftily plumed with
+black feathers, ominously familiar on hearses. It seemed as if the ladies
+had come to bury Caesar (of Elibank), not to praise or even condemn him.
+
+MURRAY, arriving early, passed the Front Bench, where as ex-Minister he had
+a right to sit. Found a place immediately behind in friendly contiguity to
+former colleagues, Lord CREWE and Lord MORLEY. On stroke of half-past four
+he rose and, producing sheaf of manuscript, began to read. In low voice,
+with slow intonation, he turned over page after page, each scored with
+acknowledgment of contrition and regret for mistakes made. He pleaded that
+"my error, such as it was, was an error of judgment, not of intention." As
+to purchase of American Marconi shares on behalf of the Liberal Party, "I
+have," he said, "myself assumed the burden by taking over these shares at
+the price paid for them at the date of purchase, and, as the House will
+appreciate, at very considerable personal loss."
+
+Throughout ten minutes he was on his legs MURRAY, in unconscious sympathy
+with the hearse plumes that nodded over him from the side gallery at his
+back, spoke in funereal note. In the Commons so frank a confession, so
+ample an apology, would have been accepted with burst of general cheering.
+Shrewd Members know that an assured method of gaining temporary popularity
+is to commit a breach of order and take early opportunity of withdrawing
+anything offensive that may have been said, apologising for anything
+unseemly that may have been done. When, for example, RONALD M'NEILL
+apologised for having chucked at the head of the FIRST LORD OF THE
+ADMIRALTY a book containing rules for preservation of order in debate, he
+was almost rapturously cheered.
+
+Chilliness of the graveyard froze round MURRAY as he read carefully
+prepared statement. When he sat down, faint murmur of applause rose from
+scanty muster on Liberal side. No sound, whether of approval or
+disapproval, broke the stillness of the serried benches opposite.
+
+Effect contagious. LANSDOWNE almost inaudible. CREWE quite so. Strangers at
+back of gallery, hearing no voice and seeing the Noble Lord standing at the
+table nervously wringing his hands and twiddling his fingers, thought he
+was conversing with the LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION by means of the deaf and
+dumb alphabet.
+
+AMPTHILL above these evidences of human weakness. LANSDOWNE in
+characteristically chivalrous manner suggested that motion for Committee
+should be withdrawn, affording opportunity to Noble Lords to consider
+MURRAY'S statement and the best course to be taken upon it. AMPTHILL not
+allured by such considerations. As he shrewdly remarked, if he consented to
+withdraw his motion it could not be revived. All he would consent to was
+not to insist upon proceeding with business at to-day's sitting. Stipulated
+that his opportunity should not be hampered by "unavoidable delay."
+
+On this understanding House adjourned, hoarse plumes in side galleries
+forlornly nodding themselves out.
+
+_Business done._--LLOYD GEORGE at bay in the Commons. His famous Budget
+attacked afresh on motion of Amendment to Address. ANANIAS and SAPPHIRA
+personally mentioned in course of debate. Amendment negatived by 301 votes
+against 213.
+
+_Thursday._--Upon inquiry and reflection LANSDOWNE discovered that in
+matter of proposed Marconi Committee AMPTHILL is in fuller accord with
+opinion of majority on his side of House than himself. Accordingly, adopts
+AMPTHILL'S motion and moves it. CREWE offering no opposition, Committee
+appointed without division.
+
+In Commons, just after 11 o'clock, news came of defeat of MASTERMAN in
+Bethnal Green. Turns out there was more in WORTHINGTON EVANS'S assumption
+of "the inky cloak, good mother" than on Monday met the eye. Boisterous
+scene of exultation in Unionist camp, jubilant cries of "Resign, Resign."
+"Resign!" growled SARK. "Why should WILSON resign a seat just won? It is
+true it was in a three-cornered fight, and by a majority of twenty-four he
+represents minority of electors. But the seat is his, and of course he'll
+keep it."
+
+Curious how obtuse SARK can be upon occasion.
+
+_Business done._--Debate on Address agreed to in Commons. Forthwith set to
+on Estimates. Work cut out till 31st March. After that Home Rule and the
+Deluge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAN FROM BOGOTA.
+
+Lord MURRAY OF ELIBANK (talking); Lord MOBLEY OF BLACKBURN (thinking).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "ON SHROVE TUESDAY, FEB. 24,
+
+     COOK'S FAST DAY EXCURSIONS TO BIRMINGHAM"
+
+     _Midland Railway Leaflet._
+
+The rest of us take our first "fast day," as usual, on Ash Wednesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CANAL.
+
+     [_An attempt to express in futuristic "verse" the emotions aroused by
+     a futuristic painting bearing the above title._]
+
+  Mud, sedimentary, coffee-colour,
+  And here a wedge, a sharp, keen, thrustful triangularity,
+  And squares that writhe in painful green,
+  Calling, clamouring--O venerable shade of EUCLID.
+  Back in the ages, dusty, maculated,
+  Across the slate-hued fogs of time,
+  Behold them!--oblongs of sliding water
+  And cubed banks,
+  Bridges and barges, blatantly, wonderfully, inconceivably angular,
+  Calling, clamouring--canal, canal, canal!
+  Out on the sea, restive and sloppy,
+  A waste of salinity,
+  So they aver,
+  There are ships with masts, sails, halyards,
+  Spankers, booms and things;
+  There are lobsters and jellyfish--not here.
+  Nothing here but illimitable mysteries,
+  Baffling unknowledgeableness,
+  Fathomless, fainting from square to square,
+  Oblongs and nosey triangles, ever so nosey,
+  Shapes rhomboidal, perchance rhombohedral--who knows?
+  Puce and mustard-tinted--delicate,
+  Oh, most delicate the mustard!--
+  And russet, cadaverous pink,
+  They mingle, compaginate,
+  And their voices mingle,
+  They call me out of the frame,
+  They call,
+  Thinly and crazily,
+  Canal, canal, canal--slimy, crawly-crawly water!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "LITERARY.
+
+     FREE.--Our 160-page book, 'Hints for Home Decorators,' will be sent
+     free on receipt of 1-1/2d. for postage. Full instructions on painting,
+     staining, graining, varnishing, enamelling, stencilling, gilding,
+     colour-washing, how to mix paints, colours, inks, dyes, and scores of
+     valuable recipes."
+
+     _Daily Citizen._
+
+Now we know where our novelists get their local colour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Rector_ (_thanking all who have contributed to the success
+of the bazaar_). "AND AS FOR LADY BLANK, I SHOULD NOT LIKE TO TELL YOU WHAT
+_SHE_ HAS DONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DEADLY BUTTON.
+
+We do not know whether the following incident occurred at Signor BEN
+TROVATO'S famous restaurant on Fifth Avenue or not, but feel impelled, at
+any rate, to quote it as a warning, on the authority of _The Globe_ of
+February 19th, and _The New York American_:--
+
+"Giving a well-satisfied sigh after dinner a Pittsburg man burst a button
+off his waistcoat. It split in two. One half hit another man, with whom he
+was dining, in the eye. As a result his _vis-a-vis_ may lose the sight of
+his eye. The other half struck the convivo in the cheek, cutting the
+flesh."
+
+This new and hitherto unsuspected possibility in ballistics must be rightly
+directed and also guarded against. There will be danger from the opposite
+side of the table at City dinners at about the tenth course and onwards,
+unless the wary guest can screen himself from the Corporation behind a
+laager of fruit-dishes and substantial ornaments.
+
+If two gourmets fall out over the respective merits of their favourite
+_entremets_, the remedy is now easy. There is the duel by button. Each of
+the principals, seconded by his particular waiter, after carefully taking
+his opponent's range and bearings, will suspire and hit him in the eye. The
+more replete combatant, having the greater equatorial velocity, will
+probably win, but the tailor can do a good deal towards securing a flat
+trajectory and freedom from swerve.
+
+At Christmas dinners, Tommy, when adequately charged, can challenge a rival
+amateur of plum-pudding to a rally over the dessert, instead of expending
+his horse-power over crackers. A little training, of course, would be
+needed to secure a combine fusillade.
+
+It is only right to add that evening-dress waistcoats are henceforward to
+come under those sections of the Geneva Convention which relate to missiles
+and explosives. No soft-nosed buttons, or studs which are liable to
+"bunch," are to be allowed. A special regulation further requires that
+persons more than fifty inches in circumference, and fire-eaters who have
+already marked their men, shall dine by themselves, or at any rate only at
+a high table where there is no _vis-a-vis_. And page-boys are to be
+compelled to use hooks-and-eyes, unless they are engaged for a wedding or
+funeral salvo.
+
+ZIG-ZAG.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Plural Voter.
+
+     "At the Wilmot-street Schools ... the credit of being first fell to a
+     well-known resident--a stone-mason by craft.... There was no mistaking
+     the colour of his political opinions. He voted for Major Sir Mathew
+     Wilson."--_Evening News._
+
+     "'I am going to be the first man in England who ever voted at 7 a.m.,'
+     said an enthusiastic workman at the Wilmot-street Station as he fell
+     in with the opening of the front door. He voted for
+     Masterman."--_Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A message recently sent to a New Zealand chemist:
+
+     "Please give the little girl a plaster for a man that a piece of wood
+     blew off a shed and hit him in the rib."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "BAY GELDING, 5 years, 16 h.p., up to 13 stone; hunted up to date;
+     good performer and temperate; quiet with road nuisances; 30 gs."
+
+Thirty guineas for a 16 horse-power horse is absurd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"HELEN WITH THE HIGH HAND."
+
+There is great entertainment at the Vaudeville for the admirers of Mr.
+NORMAN MCKINNEL, among whom I propose to count myself whenever, as so
+rarely happens, he takes an evening off from his tyrannical methods--seldom
+very edifying when a woman is the victim. As the gentleman says in one of
+OSCAR WENDELL HOLMES'S books, "_Quoiqu'elle soit tres solidement montee, it
+ne faut pas brutaliser la machine_." Here it is true that Mr. MCKINNEL
+started out on his familiar courses, but he soon found that he had to do
+with his match; that _Helen's_ hand was always a little higher than his
+own. And, even when we saw him at his most dogmatic, the fact that the
+question of sex, in its physical aspects, did not enter into their
+relations--he was only her step-great-uncle--saved us from a great deal of
+uneasiness. In all his moods, whether of blustering self-assertion or
+reluctant surrender, of canny craft or protesting generosity, Mr. MCKINNEL
+was equally admirable.
+
+[Illustration: THE HIGH HAND.
+
+_Helen Rathbone_    Miss NANCY PRICE.
+
+_James Ollerenshaw_ Mr. NORMAN MCKINNEL.]
+
+The local atmosphere of the Five Towns was established with less delay over
+detail than is customary in this kind. There was a lot of tea-drinking, I
+admit, but no doubt this beverage plays a strong part in the social life of
+the Potteries. There was also much handling of domestic provisions--streaky
+bacon, cheese, and so forth--but all this was proper enough in a play that
+largely turned upon the changes in an old celibate's _menage_. But in the
+main it was a comedy of character, a struggle between youth and crabbed
+age, in which the younger will and the quicker wit prevailed. As we first
+see him, _James Ollerenshaw_ is a crusty, browbeating, misogynist, hoarding
+his wealth, content with a mean habit of life, and convinced that nobody
+can get the better of him. As we see him at the end he is a tamed man,
+dependent on female protection against the wiles of a designing widow, and
+established, at great cost, with his niece in the noble and ancient mansion
+of her desire. There were subsidiary love-episodes, of course, but these,
+though novel in some particulars, were relatively perfunctory. The
+character of _James Ollerenshaw_ was the real matter of resistance.
+
+Miss NANCY PRICE'S _Helen_ was a very probable performance. For myself I
+found her a little too minx-eyed for my taste, but no doubt this was part
+of the right Pottery touch. Minor characters were all brightly played, Miss
+MIELE MAUND being particularly happy as a garrulous young girl in the first
+flush of an engagement, who subsequently throws over her violent _fiance_
+on the ground that "she could never marry a man who pushes people into
+lakes." Even the _vieux jeu_ of the designing widow took on a certain
+freshness in the robust bands of Miss ROSINA FILIPPI.
+
+[Illustration: MODES FROM "THE POTTERIES."
+
+What Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S ladies wear to-day Vienna wears to-morrow.
+
+_Lilian Swetnam_  Miss MIELE MAUND.]
+
+I am in the fortunate position of having yet to read Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S
+novel, from which Mr. PRYCE'S comedy has been adapted, and am therefore
+free to treat the play itself on what I take to be its merits. It may be
+that the adapter assumed in us a little previous knowledge of the history
+of _Helen's_ love affair, or that at least there was an obscurity about her
+past that wanted clearing up by retrospective illumination; but that is my
+only possible criticism; and I heartily congratulate the Vaudeville
+management on having at last discovered a play that promises to reward
+their enterprise.
+
+Not suspecting that there would be a change of hours after the second
+night, I arrived on the third night punctually at 8, to find that the
+performance was announced to begin at 8.30. Punctually at that hour I
+returned, to find that it did not commence till 9; that in the meantime I
+was to assist at a song-and-talk recital of which no threat had been
+published. My quarrel is not with Mr. FREDERIC NORTON who did it, though
+his clever entertainment began with some songs about fishes and things that
+might have warmed a Penny Readings' audience but left me bitterly cold. My
+complaint is of a wasted hour and a bolted dinner. I mention it only to
+prove that, whatever the provocation he has suffered, a Dramatic Critic is
+incapable of prejudice.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+     "ALBANIA'S NEW RULER
+
+     HOW PRINCE WILLIAM WILL ENTER HIS KINGDOM.
+
+     +FOUR+"
+
+     _Westminster Gazette._
+
+Looping the loop on all fours?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Shooting on the river Doe, in Kirkcudbrightshire, Colonel Kennaway,
+     Greenlaw, shot a fine specimen of the male gadwall, a comparatively
+     rare visitor."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+Col. KENNAWAY (_to deceased male gadwall_). "That'll teach you to be so
+beastly rare."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The Wigan County Licensing Sessions were held yesterday.
+     Superintendent Kelly stated that fifty-four persons had been proceeded
+     against for drunkenness, an increase of 124 over last
+     year."--_Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+Superintendent KELLY should join the Government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "A recital was given yesterday afternoon by Dr. Walter Alcock, who
+     bears the title of organist and composer to His Majesty's Chapels
+     Royal, and assistant organist of Westminster Abbey, and happens to be
+     also an organist of exceptional attainments."
+
+     _Yorkshire Post._
+
+The luck of Royalty is proverbial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "WELSH PROFESSIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.
+
+     Milward, after compiling a break of 73, failed at a very easy shot,
+     otherwise the contribution might have been higher."
+
+     _Sportsman._
+
+It would seem certain, but--you never can tell with these wily Welshmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wealthy Visitor._ "_YOU_ 'ARD UP! WOT DO _YOU_ DO TO MAKE
+YOU 'ARD UP? I NEVER 'EAR OF YOU GETTIN' A CAR FOR L2,000 AS _I_'VE JUST
+DONE, OR BUYIN' YOUR WIFE L3,000 WORTH O' JOOLREY AS _I_ DID LAST WEEK, OR
+SENDIN' YOUR BOY A 'UNDED POUNDS-WORTH O' MECHANICAL TOYS AS _I_ 'AVE THIS
+MORNIN'. YOU'VE 'AD BREAD AND CHEESE AND _I_'VE STOOD SIX JOLLY FELLERS A
+CHAMPAGNE LUNCH--'OW CAN _YOU_ BE 'ARD UP?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DANGER SIGNAL.
+
+     ["I think moods and colours are related to one another. For instance,
+     you have to feel very happy and well to enjoy rose-pink."
+
+     _Miss GLADYS COOPER._]
+
+  Dear, did the afternoon seem dull and dreary?
+    Sweet, did you murmur as the tears fell thick--
+  "My true love cometh not and I am weary;
+          This is a dirty trick"?
+
+  Hear my excuse. With laudable precision
+    I reached our rendezvous full early, but
+  When you appeared in view, a rose-pink vision,
+          I really had to cut.
+
+  For oh! your costume made me apprehensive;
+    That colour-scheme which caused my eyes to blink
+  Proved you in joyous vein, while I was pensive
+          And in no mood for pink.
+
+  I wanted converse with the gentle lily
+    And not the rose with all its flaunting show,
+  Someone to stroke my hand and call me "Willie"
+          In accents soft and low.
+
+  If we had met, your gaiety had grieved me;
+    There had been bitter back-chat to and fro;
+  And so I stole away ere you perceived me;
+          Dear, it was better so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For all Tastes.
+
+     "Number of births on the 28th instant 16; number of rats trapped on
+     the 29th instant 273."--_The Said Gazette._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EXPERT IN EXCELSIS.
+
+The invitation to Mr. ARTHUR BROCK, the well-known pyrotechnist, to express
+his opinion of STRAVINSKY'S orchestral fantasia, "Fireworks," on the
+occasion of its second performance at Queen's Hall on the 28th inst., has,
+we are delighted to learn, been fruitful of a series of similar
+invitations, not only in the sphere of music but also in the domain of art
+and letters.
+
+Thus we understand that the place of the ordinary musical critic of _The
+Times_ will be taken at the next performance of _Parsifal_ by Mr. WATERER,
+the great floricultural expert, and Mr. DEVANT, the eminent conjurer, with
+a view to their contributing their impressions of the flower maidens and
+the methods of the magician _Klingsor_ respectively.
+
+Similarly, on the occasion of the next representation of WAGNER'S _Flying
+Dutchman_ at Covent Garden, a signed criticism by the Chief Locomotive
+Superintendent of the Great Western Railway will appear in the pages of our
+contemporary.
+
+The practice, which it is hoped will lend additional brightness to the
+vivacious criticisms of _The Times_, is not to be confined to Opera. The
+ASTRONOMER-ROYAL will be asked to record his impressions of BEETHOVEN'S
+"Moonlight Sonata", and the officials of our leading lightships will be
+asked to report upon PARRY'S "Blest Pair of Sirens."
+
+The application of the new method to literature promises to be equally
+interesting. It is an open secret that Messrs. GUNTER have been permanently
+retained by _The Pastry-cook's Gazette_ to review all books dealing with
+the Glacial Epoch, Ice-action and Arctic Exploration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHARACTER.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Under the title of "A Bygone" you recently published the
+tale of a certain estimable butler and his one lapse, during many years'
+service, into alcoholism. This reminds me of the shorter and sharper
+history of our own James, who came to our Northern home on a Monday
+afternoon and left upon the following morning.
+
+For his chief characteristics be referred us, on application, to the
+opinion of a (Mrs.) Elizabeth Brown, of "The Cottage," Bamston, near
+Maidstone, Kent, who, he said, knew more about him than anybody else, and
+would take him back into her service later if need and opportunity arose.
+This opinion described him briefly but emphatically as honest, sober and
+willing. By way of the usual caution we wrote to this good lady direct and
+asked her to be so kind as to elaborate her views to us in confidence. In
+reply she wrote that James had been with her for eleven years on and off,
+had left her only because she was leaving "The Cottage," would be welcomed
+back by her when she settled down again, and meanwhile was very honest,
+very sober and very willing. There was that about the handwriting and style
+of this letter which made us feel that the writer might not be one of the
+old _noblesse_, but was, at any rate, a kindly, sensible and acute old
+body, who knew now and always what she was talking about. Moreover it
+indicated, but did not actually state, that the man had come to be regarded
+in the writer's household with feelings more friendly than those usually
+found between employer and employe: always, we thought, a strong
+recommendation of an old servant. On the strength of this correspondence we
+decided to give him a trial at least.
+
+There was nothing peculiar about his appearance, except the suggestion of a
+secret sorrow, which was no business of ours. His willingness was at once
+apparent: our house being full for a hunt ball there was plenty of work for
+him to do, but even so he found time between tea and dinner to put in a
+preliminary polish of the silver, which, he told us, was his chief joy in
+life, or rather one of them. Moreover he refused to go to bed until our
+return from the ball, timed not to be earlier than 4 A.M., and insisted
+that he would sit up for us.
+
+We drove off after dinner without a qualm; for, though my wife declares
+that she detected a suspicious smell of spirits as he put the carriage rug
+over her, unhappily she did not think to mention this till the next day.
+When we got back in the small hours we found that, in accordance with his
+promise, he had indeed not gone to bed. There he was unmistakably in the
+hall. But he wasn't sitting up.... No.... Rather, he was lying down, back
+uppermost.... So much for his sobriety.
+
+We resolved to show no mercy. Having promised to drive Captain Merriman,
+one of our guests, to the station to catch the early train to London, I was
+myself up betimes to see the sinful James also off the premises. His
+sorrow, no longer secret, was very manifest; it was a cold wet morning; it
+required some strength of mind to cast the fellow adrift and leave him to
+find his own way, with bag and baggage, to oblivion. But I did it.
+
+One does not leave much margin of time on these occasions, and it was not
+long afterwards that we followed in the dog-cart; nor had we got far on our
+road before we espied the back of James ahead of us--one of the saddest
+backs I have ever seen. He had still four miles to go to the station; his
+bag was obviously not light; he looked as if he would not get four more
+yards without collapsing; no doubt he had had an exhaustive night; finally,
+even that stern disciplinarian, Merriman, took pity. So, "Jump up behind,
+you old blackguard," I called to him as I drew up alongside, and up he
+climbed, cling-to his seedy bag and protesting that this was very much more
+than he deserved.
+
+As to his honesty you, Sir, must judge. The police doubted it from the
+start, and their experience led them to be sure that the reference was
+forged, that there was no "Cottage" and no Elizabeth Brown. No doubt he had
+managed to get our letter delivered to him and had forged an answer to
+that. On all points they were wrong and James was correct. There was "The
+Cottage" all right, very much a cottage; it had been vacated by the tenant,
+not voluntarily (who ever said it had?) but by reason of arrears of six
+weeks' rent, at 5_s._ 6_d._ per week. The tenant's name was truly Elizabeth
+Brown, though she was more commonly known as Old Bess, and she was the one
+person to know all about our James, being his wife. And we've no reason to
+doubt that she has taken him back into her service and was very glad to do
+it too.
+
+In short, I cannot claim that James lied to us in any particular. So much
+for his honesty. As far as dishonesty was involved in the matter of the
+bag, I am not in a position to complain of that, seeing that it was by my
+agency alone that that bag got to the station, and it was at my expense
+that our local porter deposited, _inter alia_, my wife's much valued
+Georgian tea service and spoons in the London train, just about the time
+that the theft of them was being discovered at home. Under the guilty
+circumstances I prefer to remain
+
+Your anonymous
+
+CORRESPONDENT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MINKI-POO
+
+(SHUTTING ONE EYE).
+
+  I watch you, while the firelight glare
+    Strews flick'ring fancies round the hall,
+  Replete, with what exotic fare
+    No watcher by The Wall
+    Had ever thought to line himself withal.
+
+  And, as I mark the locks that weave
+    A curtain for your eyes of flame,
+  I sometimes think if you'd a sleeve
+    To help you in the game,
+    You'd find a laugh or two to fill the same.
+
+  For She in whose grey eyes there springs
+    Ruth for the lowliest and the least
+  Proclaims you heir of countless kings,
+    An emblem from the East
+    Of inward beauty in the outward beast.
+
+  She says you miss the sidewise roll
+    Of palanquins in Something-Chang,
+  Or sigh for little bells that toll
+    Beside the Si-kiang,
+    And dream-dogs of your old Celestial gang.
+
+  For me, I think that tiny heart
+    Bears no such Oriental load;
+  Your dreams concern no Pekoe mart
+    Nor mandarin's abode,
+    But some dim purlieu of the Edgware Road.
+
+  Well, young pretender, have your fling!
+    Though Fate forbade you to adorn
+  The pompous pedigree of Ming,
+    No particle of scorn
+    Shall ever fall upon the Briton born!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It was contended that the captain had been placed in circumstances of
+     exceptional difficulty. The solicitor for the Board of Trade said that
+     between six and seven hundred pilgrims from Mecca swarmed on to the
+     ship at Beyrouth to return to Morocco."
+
+     _Westminster Gazette._
+
+Another result of the expiry of the WAGNER copyrights?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "She went out rather quickly by the door, but none of them
+     laughed."--_From "The Cheerful Christian," by DAVID LYALL, in "The
+     British Weekly."_
+
+She must try the window next time, and then, if they still won't laugh, the
+chimney.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Irate Gentleman._ "WHEN I 'ITS A MAN, 'E REMEMBERS
+IT."
+
+_Second Irate Gentleman._ "WELL, WHEN I 'ITS ONE, 'E DON'T."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_The Golden Barrier_ (METHUEN) was an affair of sovereigns, and the way of
+it was this. _Magdalen Tempest_, the heroine, had been left by her late
+father the mistress of many fine houses, and stacks and stacks of money.
+She had inherited also a disagreeable but honest butler, an aunt who was
+even more disagreeable but not honest, and an agent who was--well, who was
+the hero of the book. She had further gathered to herself a crowd of
+hangers-on more or less artistic, and all given to requiring small
+temporary loans. One of them, however, was a professed social reformer, a
+bold bad man of doubtful extraction, who was leagued with the aunt in a
+plan to marry _Magdalen_ to himself and secure control of the cash. So
+_Magdalen_ gave a Venetian Carnival in her great house, and it came on to
+thunder, and she found herself alone in a gondola with the painter
+(favourite hanger-on), who attempted, too vigorously, to improve the
+shining hour, and it was all rather awkward, when--romantically opportune
+arrival of the hero (name of _Denvers_), who flung the painter into the
+lake, clasped the heroine in his manly arms, married her and lived
+happy----No. That is where you are too hasty. There remained still the
+Golden Barrier. For, after an interlude of bliss, back came the intriguing
+aunt, the social reformer and all the crowd (save the submerged artist) and
+began to accuse _Denvers_ of living on his wife's cheque-book. How it ends
+you must find out. If you object that there is very little in all this to
+suggest the spirit of fine romance which you have learnt to associate with
+the names of AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE, I can only say that (while my rough
+synopsis does no justice to some pleasant characterization) I myself
+greatly prefer these two writers in their earlier and brocaded mood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It seems to me that Mr. FRANCIS BRETT-YOUNG has done quite a distinguished
+piece of work in _Deep Sea_ (SECKER). I have not cared to miss a paragraph
+of it and have certainly carried away an unusually vivid memory of that
+unnamed West-country fishing-town which he has so cleverly peopled with his
+creatures--with poor, simple, introspective _Jeffrey Kenar_, fisherman that
+was, looking at life through the oddly refracting medium of his window of
+old glass, and all but seeing visions; comely, bitter _Nesta_, his wife;
+simple, loyal _Reuben_, _Jeffrey's_ friend, whose rejection of _Nesta
+Kenar's_ overmastering passion turns her love to hate; _Reuben's_ gentle
+wife, _Ruth_; and that sleek mortgagee, _Silley_, for whom men like
+_Reuben_ toil that he may grow fat, nominally owning their vessels,
+actually in heavy bondage to their shrewd exacting masters. There are dark
+and deep waters of passion swirling in and out of these simple lives, and
+the author, whose method is broadly impressionist rather than meticulously
+realistic, contrives cleverly to suggest that what he imagines has in fact
+been closely observed. He can make and tell a story and he can marshal
+words with a certain magic. The tragedy ends peacefully with the resolution
+of the too bitter discord of _Nesta's_ hate in love of the child of the man
+she had wrongfully and vainly desired. A book to be read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Amongst the makers of what might be called, without in this case any
+disparagement, the commercial short story, I think I should place Mr. P. G.
+WODEHOUSE as easily my favourite. The comfortable anticipation that is
+always mine on observing his name on the contents page of a popular
+magazine has been renewed by the sight of it attached to a collection of
+tales in volume form and called, after the first of them, _The Man
+Upstairs_ (METHUEN). You must not expect a detailed criticism. All I can
+promise you is that, if you are a Wodehouseite, you will find here the
+author at his delightful best. He is winged and doth range. The heroes of
+these tales include (I quote from the cover) "a barber, a gardener, a
+play-writer, a tramp, a waiter, a golfer, a stockbroker, a butler, a bank
+clerk, an assistant master at a private school, a Peer's son and a Knight
+of the Round Table." So there you are; and, if you don't see what you want
+in the window, you must be hard to please. Personally, I fancy I would give
+my vote for the play-writing stories. "_Experientia_," as _Mrs. Micawber's_
+late father used to observe, "_does it_"; and here I have the feeling that
+the author is upon tried ground. But not one of the collection will bore
+you; there is about them all too nice a deftness, too happy a gift of
+phrase. I am told by the publishers that the American public fully shares
+my approval of this engaging craftsman. It shows their sense. But, if there
+is any threat of removing Mr. WODEHOUSE permanently to the other side of
+the Atlantic, where already he goes far too much, my guinea shall head any
+public subscription to retain him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Punctilious Burglar._ "SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, GUV'NOR, BUT
+_WOULD_ YOU MIND LETTING ME HAVE THE THRIPPENCE FOR YOUR SHARE OF THE
+INSURANCE STAMP? THIS IS THE FIRST JOB I'VE HAD THIS WEEK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In an extremely able but peculiarly unpleasant book, _The Questing Beast_
+(SECKER), I think that Miss IVY LOW makes two serious mistakes. "Tell her,"
+writes the heroine to a friend after the first of two irregular love
+affairs, "that I thought, 'I am not that kind of girl,' and tell her that
+there is no 'sort of girl,' and that life is a sea and human beings must
+catch hold of life-buoys to keep them afloat." To this it may be answered,
+however, that there _is_ "that kind of girl," and that _Rachel Cohen was_
+"that kind of girl," and that it is a kind which deliberately rejects
+life-buoys when flung out to them. The second mistake, as it seems to me,
+in a novel which is in many ways a very clever piece of realism, is a
+strong feminist or, at any rate, anti-masculine bias. Against the cunning
+dissection of the character of _Charles Giddey_, a worthless and conceited
+egotist, I have no complaint to make. It is one of the best things of its
+kind that I have read for a long time. But it seems unlikely, to say the
+least, that the heroine, after being deserted by the man she really loves,
+should, considering her very erotic and unprincipled temperament, find
+complete happiness in the publication of a successful novel and in devotion
+to her child. I feel that on a nature like that of _Rachel Cohen_ even
+Royalties and Press notices would eventually pall. And in pausing I may
+remark that the beast _Glatisant_ cuts a very episodic and unsatisfactory
+figure in the _Morte D'Arthur_. Pursued for a short while by _Sir
+Palamides_ in his Paynim days, it scarcely comes into the cognisance of
+KING ARTHUR'S Court and the Table Round. And I fancy that the circulating
+libraries will feel the same about "_The Questing Beast_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do not think that I can recall any novel that makes such insistent
+demands upon the weather as does Miss JOAN SUTHERLAND'S _Cophetua's Son_
+(MILLS AND BOON). The sun, the rain, the wind, the snow--these are from the
+first page to the last at their intensest, wildest, brightest, most
+furious, and as I closed the book and looked out upon a day of monotonous
+drizzle I thanked Heaven for the English climate. But I imagine that Miss
+SUTHERLAND was aware that nothing but the most vigorous of climatic
+conditions would afford a true background for her hero's tempestuous soul.
+_Lucien de Guise_ was unfortunate enough to be the son of a flower-girl,
+and I had no idea, until Miss SUTHERLAND made it plain to me, how terrible
+his friends and the members of the smartest of London's clubs--"Will's, a
+place of great historic interest and brilliant reputation, developing
+gradually into one of the most exclusive clubs in London, and very strictly
+limited in numbers"--held so ignominious an origin. There is a scene in
+Will's where _Colonel Maclean_, "a handsome man and a famous soldier,"
+expels _M. de Guise_ "with a perceptible degree of asperity" in his
+voice--a scene that does the greatest credit to Miss SUTHERLAND'S
+imagination. Indeed, I am afraid that Miss SUTHERLAND'S ambition to write a
+really dramatic story has driven her into incredibilities of atmosphere, of
+incident, and of character. _M. de Guise_, with his flashing, gleaming
+eyes, his love of liqueurs, his passion for smashing the most priceless of
+Nankin vases whenever he sees them, is, surveyed under these grey English
+skies, an unreal figure, and his world, I am afraid, too brightly coloured
+to be convincing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "RULER wanted for Ireland (N.S.); good wages, permanency to competent,
+     reliable man.--Full particulars to Box 167, Daily News,
+     Manchester."--_Daily News._
+
+Don't reply to it, Mr. REDMOND. It is not in your line. It is a printer's
+advertisement, merely.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The accident caused great excitement in the neighbourhood. A large
+     crowd quickly gathered, and several medical men were hurried to the
+     sport."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+Those well-known surgeons, _Mr. Robert Sawyer_ and _Mr. Benjamin Allen_,
+enjoyed it most.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "A new French revue, entitled 'C'est Bon' (literally, 'It's Top-hole')
+     is to be produced on Monday week."--_Evening News._
+
+Or, more roughly, "That's good."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a catalogue of characters assumed at a Mayoral Fancy Dress Ball we are
+informed by _The Birmingham Daily Mail_ that Professor and Mrs.
+SONNENSCHEIN figured as "Socrates and Christian Thippe." Poor old pagan
+XANTHIPPE! SOCRATES is well avenged.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, February 25, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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