diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:09:54 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:09:54 -0700 |
| commit | f9f1d744989d4535995b1ee9332419507045eda4 (patch) | |
| tree | 6bca81cade25e616ac438b6ca407e0ee4400cdb3 /23760-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '23760-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/23760-h.htm | 3039 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/141.png | bin | 0 -> 100870 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/143.png | bin | 0 -> 246345 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/145.png | bin | 0 -> 106815 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/146.png | bin | 0 -> 50825 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/147.png | bin | 0 -> 134863 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/149.png | bin | 0 -> 82249 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/150.png | bin | 0 -> 100439 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/151.png | bin | 0 -> 197545 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/153.png | bin | 0 -> 50398 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/154.png | bin | 0 -> 66319 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/155.png | bin | 0 -> 122965 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/156-1.png | bin | 0 -> 19710 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/156-2.png | bin | 0 -> 19044 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/157.png | bin | 0 -> 118040 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/159.png | bin | 0 -> 152206 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 23760-h/images/160.png | bin | 0 -> 69527 bytes |
17 files changed, 3039 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/23760-h/23760-h.htm b/23760-h/23760-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5449acc --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/23760-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3039 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, February 25, 1914.</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" /> +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .wide {margin-left: 3.9em;} + .wid {margin-left: 2.5em;} + .widd {margin-left: 1.5em;} + .widdd {margin-left: .5em;} + .wider {margin-left: 16em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 86%; text-align: right;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i3 {margin-left: 1.5em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} +.poem p.i12 { + margin-left: 6em +} +.poem p.i18 { + margin-left: 9em +} + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .bnote {border: solid 1px; margin-left: 35%; margin-right: 35%;padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + +td { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: center; + padding: 1em; +} + +td.left { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: left; + padding: 1em; +} + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +February 25, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 25, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 7, 2007 [EBook #23760] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<hr /><p class="center">Transcriber's Note: Typo "Professsor" changed to "Professor" in the last paragraph of the last page. <u>Underlining</u> was used to indicate where text appeared upside down in the original.</p><hr /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOL. 146.</h2> + + + + +<h2>FEBRUARY 25, 1914.</h2> + + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/141.png"><img width="100%" src="images/141.png" alt="" /></a><h3>CLOSE OF THE COURSING SEASON.</h3></div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span><h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">The German Crown Prince</span> has the +mumps. It seems that his Imperial +Father was not consulted in the matter +beforehand, and further domestic differences +are anticipated.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="sc">King Sisovath</span> of Cambodia, we +learn from <i>Le Petit Journal</i>, was so +pleased with a white elephant sent him +by the Governor-General of French +Indo-China that he has raised the +animal—a fine female—to the dignity +of a Princess. The news soon got +about, and considerable jealousy is felt +at our Zoo, where there is not so much +as even a baronet among the inmates.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>General <span class="sc">von Plettenburgh</span>, commanding +the Prussian Guards Corps, +has issued a decree against the wearing +of the so-called "tooth-brush" moustache, +pointing out that such an +appendage is unsuitable for a Prussian +soldier and "not consonant with the +German national character." The implication +is very unpleasant.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"It is generally reported," says a +contemporary, "that Sir <span class="sc">Edward Grey</span> +speaks no German, and French very +badly. <span class="sc">M. Venizelos</span>, the Greek +Prime Minister, declared that he had +the greatest difficulty in understanding +Sir <span class="sc">Edward's</span> French." As a matter +of fact a little bird tells us that on this +occasion our Foreign Secretary was +speaking Greek.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Mr. Asquith," said <i>The Times</i>, +"in a massage to the Liberal candidate +for South Bucks, emphasizes the prime +importance of the Irish issue." There +is, of course, nothing like massage for +rubbing things in.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Herr <span class="sc">Ballin</span>, head of the Hamburg-American +Line, and Herr <span class="sc">Heineken</span>, +head of the rival North-German Lloyd +Company, came to London last week, +and are said to have concluded peace +in the Atlantic rate war. We understand +that the arrangement is to be +known as the Pool of London.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The authorities at Barotse, <i>The Globe</i> +tells us, have put a price on the heads +of all lions there. One can picture the +mean sportsman, with a pair of field-glasses, +picking out the cheapest before +firing.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p>"61,000 <span class="sc">Territorials Short</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Daily Mail.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Still, it is pretty generally recognised +now that a small man may make every +bit as good a soldier as a big one, and, +besides, there is always less of him to hit.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Among the temporary teachers appointed +to carry on schools in Herefordshire +during the teachers' strike was +an asylum attendant. This confirms +the report that many of the children +were mad at finding that the schools did +not close in consequence of the strike.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is denied that the name of the +Philharmonic Hall, where Mr. <span class="sc">Ponting's</span> +moving pictures of the Antarctic +Expedition are being shown, is to be +changed to the Philmharmonic Hall.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="sc">Richard Strauss's</span> new work, dealing +with the story, of <span class="sc">Joseph</span> and <span class="sc">Potiphar's</span> +wife, is to be produced shortly +in Paris. A musical play version of it, +entitled "After the Man," may be +looked for here.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>From Rome comes the news that a +young man who was being examined +in a hospital there has been found to +have two separate stomachs. This +announcement that the ideal man has +at last been evolved has caused the +greatest excitement here in Corporation +circles.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p class="center">"LYCEUM CLUB.<br /> +<span class="sc">100 years of peace.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Surely a record for a lady's club?</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Change of Name.<br /> +from<br /> +Jacob Galba Iwushuku-Bright<br /> +to<br /> +Galba Iwuchuku Olukotun</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Sierra Leone Weekly News.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>We notice no improvement.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Commercial Candour.</h2> + +<p>Notice in a shop window at Reading:</p> + +<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Try ——'s Sausages: none like 'em</span>."</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span><h2>CIVIL WAR ESTIMATES.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Ministerial Apology.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Your talk is vanity, you who lightly vouch</p> +<p class="i2">That we, indifferent to the country's call, shun</p> +<p>A crisis under which the People crouch</p> +<p class="i2">Like <span class="sc">Damocles</span> beneath the pendent falchion;</p> +<p>That from our minds, incredibly deluded,</p> +<p class="i6">Ulster is still excluded.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>It is not so. All day (between our meals)</p> +<p class="i2">We find this topic really most attractive;</p> +<p>In watches of the night it often steals</p> +<p class="i2">Into our waking dreams, and keeps us active,</p> +<p>Like sportsmen whom the rude mosquito chases,</p> +<p class="i6">Trying to save our faces.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>But we have other tasks, and "Duty First"</p> +<p class="i2">Must be our cry before we yield to Pleasure;</p> +<p>Our Annual Estimates must be rehearsed</p> +<p class="i2">Ere more alluring themes engage our leisure;</p> +<p>The Budget's claims are urgent; Ulster's fate</p> +<p class="i6">Can obviously wait.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Besides, no Government should go to war</p> +<p class="i2">Without the wherewithal to pay for forage,</p> +<p>For ammunition and a Flying Corps</p> +<p class="i2">And cannéd meats to stimulate the courage;</p> +<p>And this applies, as far as we can tell,</p> +<p class="i6">To civil wars as well.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>For, though our foes confine us to a sphere</p> +<p class="i2">Of relatively narrow operations,</p> +<p>We are advised that they may cost us dear,</p> +<p class="i2">And therefore, in our coming calculations,</p> +<p>As Trustees of the Race we dare not miss</p> +<p class="i6">To estimate for this.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Hence these delays—all carefully thought out.</p> +<p class="i2">But when from hibernation we emerge on</p> +<p>The vernal prime and things begin to sprout,</p> +<p class="i2">Our Ulster policy shall also burgeon;</p> +<p>With sap of April coursing through our blood</p> +<p class="i6">We too shall burst in bud.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O. S.</p> +</div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE GREAT RESIGNER.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Forecast.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>March, 1914.</i></p> + +<blockquote><p>Mr. <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span> describes Mr. <span class="sc">John Redmond</span> +as "brother to the middle-aged sea-serpent from the +County Clare."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">John Redmond</span> denies that he is a sea-serpent.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span>, having denounced this denial +as "the last effort of a defeated dastard," resigns his seat +for Cork City.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> is re-elected without a contest.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>April, 1914.</i></p> + +<blockquote><p>Mr. <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span> in an impassioned speech advocates +conciliation all round in Ireland, and refers to Mr. +<span class="sc">John Redmond</span> as "a moth-eaten, moss-gathering malingerer +of unparalleled ferocity."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> is seen to smile.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span>, declaring that he has never been so +much insulted in his life, resigns his seat for Cork City.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> is re-elected without a contest.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>May, 1914.</i></p> + +<blockquote><p>An Alderman of Cork fails to take off his hat to Mr. +<span class="sc">O'Brien</span>.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> summons a meeting of his supporters +and, in a five-hours' speech, states that, in spite of the +unexampled infamy of Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span>, he will never +abandon his efforts for Irish unity.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> says nothing.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> states that "the truckling truculence of +a mock-modest monster of meretricious mendacity cannot +be allowed to prevail against a policy of sober and sympathetic +silence."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> having abstained from a reply, Mr. +<span class="sc">O'Brien</span> resigns his seat for Cork City and is shortly +afterwards re-elected without a contest.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>June, 1914.</i></p> + +<blockquote><p>Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>, in moving the Second Reading of the +Home Rule Bill, does not mention Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span>, who +swoons in his place and is carried speechless from the +House of Commons.</p> + +<p>On the following day Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> issues to the world +a manifesto of 60,000 words, in which he describes Mr. +<span class="sc">Redmond</span> as "a palsied purveyor of pledge-breaking +platitudes," and announces that the Irish question can +be settled only by the good will of men of all parties.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> takes no notice.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> declares that he can no longer pursue a +policy of conciliation and mildness, and resigns his seat +for Cork City as a protest against the "frenzied flaunting +of flattery and folly" in which, he says, Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> +spends his time.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">O'Brien</span>, having been re-elected without a contest, +immediately re-resigns twelve times in advance.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CINEMA NEWS.</h2> + +<p>Final preparations have now been made to film Mr. +<span class="sc">Thornton's</span> first day as General Manager of the Great +Eastern Railway. By kind permission of Lord <span class="sc">Claud +Hamilton</span> representatives of all the other railway companies +are to be present to take notes, like the foreign military +attachés in a war. A good "movie" should result.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Another film which should provide entertainment and +instruction in the highest degree is the "Day in the Life of +Mr. <span class="sc">C. K. Shorter</span>" which is now being arranged for. The +great critic will be followed hour by hour with faithful +persistence. He will be seen editing <i>The Sphere</i> with one +hand and putting all the writing fellows in their place with +the other. He will be seen in that wonderful library of +his which covers two acres in St. John's Wood, reading, +annotating and correcting; he will be seen at lunch at his +club with other intellectual kings, his intimate friends; +shaking hands with Mr. <span class="sc">Hardy</span>; entering a taxi; leaving a +taxi and paying the fare; dining with Sir <span class="sc">W. Robertson +Nicoll</span>; attending a first night and applauding only when +applause is merited; and finally returning home to read +more books. In all, about fourteen miles.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>It will be regretfully learned by the great public, always +ready for new thrillers, that all efforts to induce Mr. +<span class="sc">Balfour</span> to part with the cinema rights of his Gifford +lectures have failed.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"In consequence of the farm labourers and carters employed on +various farms in the parish and village of Chitterne having come +out on strike, work of all kinds, with the exception of lambing, +is at a complete standstill."—<i>Bath and Wilts Chronicle.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>These black-leg ewes!</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Mr. Kipling, who met with a warm deception."—<i>Daily Graphic.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Not a bit of it. Everyone was frankly delighted to see and +hear him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/143.png"><img width="100%" src="images/143.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE THRONE PERILOUS.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Austria and Italy</span> (<i>to the new Ruler of Albania</i>). "BE SEATED, SIR."</p></div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span><hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" src="images/145.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Mother</i> (<i>to her boy, who has just struck his little sister with his Teddy bear</i>). "<span class="sc">Why did you hit your sister in the face, John</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>John.</i> "<span class="sc">'Cos it was the only part of her I could see</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MUSICAL DIAGNOSIS.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Dr. James Cantlie</span> has reported +that "the placing of a tuning-fork; +against the body of a patient enables +him to gauge the limits of the liver +with almost hair-breadth precision." +He believes that musical diagnosis will +prove reliable in the case of broken +bones, and asserts that already it has +been proved that a fatty liver gives +out tones distinct from a cirrhosed +liver.</p> + +<p>A superb performance of Herr <span class="sc">Richard +Strauss's</span> "German Measles Concerto" +was given last night by the Queen's +Hall orchestra. The tempo was throughout +wonderfully high. The three fine +solo passages for the left kidney were +finely rendered; while the exquisite +<i>diminuendo</i> to convalescence with +which the work concludes greatly impressed +a neurotic audience.</p> + +<p>The tuning-fork test has proved that +several of the most popular of recent +rag-time tunes were originally scored +by the brain of a patient who had met +with a severe concussion while attempting +to escape over the high wall of an +Asylum for Incurable Idiots.</p> + +<p>An interesting incident is reported in +the Medical press from a well-known +Nursing Home. It appears that one +of the female attendants, on applying +the tuning-fork to what was alleged to +be the broken heart of a patient, was +astonished to obtain as response the +first five bars of "You Made Me Love +You." The case has, we learn, been +since discharged cured.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>NUPTIAL NOVELTIES.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>["Two prominent members of the Herne +Bay Angling Association were married on +Saturday afternoon at St. Martin's Church, +Herne Bay.</p> + +<p>An interesting feature of the wedding was +the assembly of members of the association, +who lined the pathway to the church door and +formed an archway of fishing-rods, to which +silver horseshoes had been attached.</p> + +<p>The bridegroom's father is not only president +of the angling association, but captain of the +Herne Bay Fire Brigade, members of which +formed a guard of honour with crossed +hatchets."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<p>The nuptials of Mr. Desmond Waddilove +and Miss Esther Priddie, whose +parents are prominently implicated in +the milk trade, were marked by several +interesting and appropriate spectacular +incidents. A specially attractive feature +was the progress of the wedding procession +between a double row of milk-cans. +Later on the bride and bridegroom +left for Cowes (I.W.) amid a volley of +pats of butter deftly hurled by the +officials of the Sursum Corda Dairy +Company, Ltd.</p> + +<p>Last Saturday the wedding of Mr. +Nestor Young and Miss Leonora +Dargle was celebrated with great <i>éclat</i> +at St. Mark's, Datchet. Out of respect +for the calling of the bride's father all +the wedding party proceeded to the +sacred edifice in bath-chairs, which +imparted to the ceremony an air of +solemnity too often neglected at up-to-date +weddings. The bridegroom's +father being a leading pork-butcher, +imitation sausages formed part of the +trimmings of the bride's going-away +dress.</p> + +<p>Mr. Donald MacLurkin, the golf +professional of the Culbin Sands Golf +Club, was married last Friday at +Lossiemouth to Miss Janet Sutor, of +Cromarty. A charming effect was +produced by a guard of honour, composed +of members of the golf club, +holding aloft crossed brassies, beneath +which the happy pair passed into the +church, while the caddies clashed +niblicks and other iron clubs. The +bride wore a cream silk bogey skirt, +slightly caught up so as to show the +pink dots of the stymied underskirt, +and a simple Dunlop V corsage. A +dainty little pot-bunker hat completed +a costume as novel as it was natty.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span><h2>THE ROYALISTS.</h2> + +<p>Eight of us travel up to town every +morning by the Great Suburban Railway. +I have no politics. Gibbs is a +Unionist Free Trader. Three of the +others are Radicals and three Unionists. +On one side of the compartment are +ranged <i>The Daily Mail</i>, <i>The Daily +Express</i> and <i>The Daily Telegraph</i>. +Boldly confronting them are two <i>Daily +Chronicles</i> and a <i>Daily News</i>. Gibbs +contents himself with a <i>Daily Graphic</i>, +while I choose every day the paper +with the least sensational +placard.</p> + +<p>You can imagine what the +journeys are like. Filmer will +put down his <i>Daily Express</i> +and say with feeling, "If I +could only get that infernal +Welsher by the throat." Then +Rodgers will lay down his +<i>Daily News</i> and sneer, "What +has aggravated the toadies of +the Dukes to-day?" In a +moment the battle is in full +swing. Bennett breaks in +with assertions that peace and +unity will never prevail till +the Cabinet has been hanged. +Chalmers makes a mild proposal +for the imprisonment +of the Armament Ring which +is gnawing at the country's +vitals. And when there has +been a by-election and both +sides claim the moral victory +I have no doubt that the men +in signal-boxes think that +murder is taking place in our +carriage.</p> + +<p>However, one day Filmer +made a reference to Marconi +speculations which caused +Rodgers to shake the dust +from his feet (an easy thing +on the Great Suburban line) +and leave the compartment +at the next station. Then +Chalmers and Simcox bore down on +Filmer with statistics about our booming +trade. When we reached the next +station, Filmer darted out of the compartment, +declining to travel any longer +with a set of miserable Cobdenite Little +Englanders. I was horrified—not at +the absence of Rodgers and Filmer, +which could have been endured—but at +the idea that the gaps they left in the +carriage might be tilled up by even +worse persons than politicians. Suppose +golfers took their places. On one +occasion, when Gibbs had influenza, +an intruder had described to us the +fixing of a new carburettor to his car.</p> + +<p>Then the great idea came to me—the +formation of the Society. The next +morning I went up to Filmer and +Rodgers as they stood apart from +us and each other on the platform +and said, "Come to the others for a +moment. They want to apologise +to you."</p> + +<p>They didn't, but sometimes one has +to choose between the cause of peace +and that of truth.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," I said, "I have noticed +this. Nearly all our little controversies +begin in one way. Somebody says, +'I call a spade a spade and <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> +(or <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>) a lying, treacherous +scoundrel.' I propose that we form +ourselves into the Society for Not +Calling a Spade a Spade."</p> + +<p>"What do you propose to call it? +'A Royal'?" This from Gibbs, who +is a master of auction bridge.</p> + +<p>"By all means," I said. "It gives +dignity and an enhanced value to a +vulgar agricultural utensil. And the +Society can be called 'The Royalists' for +short. Its single rule is to be this, that +any member speaking of any politician +of the opposite Party except in terms +of eulogy shall be fined ten shillings +and sixpence. The fines to be divided +equally between the Tariff Reform +League and the Free Trade Union."</p> + +<p>For a moment there was hesitation. +Then the Opposition rejoiced at the +idea of hearing the Radicals praise <span class="sc">Law</span> +and <span class="sc">Long</span>, and the Radicals thought it +would be ecstasy to hear panegyrics of +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> and <span class="sc">Masterman</span> from +the Unionists.</p> + +<p>The Society was formed at once and +has proved an enormous success. Peace +and goodwill reign amongst us. It is +a perpetual delight to see Filmer put +down his <i>Daily Express</i> and with the +veins bulging out from his forehead +say, "That accurate and careful +financier who has so immeasurably +raised the status of the Chancellorship +of the Exchequer"; or to hear +Chalmers remark, "Sad +would it be if that most +honey-tongued and softhearted +of politicians, dear +<span class="sc">F. E. Smith</span>, should have +his life ended by a British +bayonet."</p> + +<p>One or two prepare their +delicate eulogies beforehand +and refer to notes; but this +is thought unfair. The compartment, +as a whole, prefers +the impromptu praise that +has the air of coming from +the heart.</p> + +<p>I am thinking of offering to +the House of Commons and +the House of Lords free membership +in The Royalists. +Perhaps Messrs. <span class="sc">Lloyd +George</span> and <span class="sc">Leo Maxse</span> +would consent to act as +perpetual Joint Presidents, +with Lord <span class="sc">Hugh Cecil</span> and +the Rev. Dr. <span class="sc">Clifford</span> as +Chaplains.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" src="images/146.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>MacBull.</i> "<span class="sc">I shall be a gay grass widower for the next two +months—wife's gone for a holiday to the West Indies</span>."</p> + +<p><i>O'Bear.</i> "<span class="sc">Jamaica</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>MacBull.</i> "<span class="sc">No, it was her own idea</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"He is only a tame duck who +with sheepish timidity attempts +to controvert the determination +of a body of frontiersmen from +their purpose by firing at them +with a water squirt."</p> + +<p><i>Bulawayo Chronicle.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>It sounds more like a wild +duck.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From Publishers' Announcements:—</p> + +<blockquote><p class="center">"'<span class="sc">Borrowed Thoughts</span>.'</p> + +<p class="center">(A Handbook for Lent, with an Introduction +by a popular Bishop.) Limp, 9d."</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Lot 3. Extra Dry, Cuvée Beservée, 60/-. +A really excellent pure Wine, which we bought +lying abroad."</p></blockquote> + +<p>We trust they won't sell it lying at +home.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Generally crime is normal and no increase +in mortality is reported. Little wandering, +emigration, or emaciation is noticed. Cattle +are being sold in large numbers in Hamirpur. +Blankets are being distributed to the poor.</p> + +<p>(<i>For other Sporting News see page 8</i>)."</p> + +<p><i>Advocate of India.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>There is nothing narrow about the sporting +tastes of our Oriental contemporary.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" src="images/147.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Larry.</i> "<span class="sc">Treshpassing, is ut? Just wait till we git Home Rule. Ivery man'll do as he likes thin—and thim's +that won't'll be made to</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE INVADERS.</h2> + +<p>From all sides news pours in concerning the rush for +American managers of English concerns. At last the excellence +of the American businessman's habits are being +recognised, probably not a little owing to the vogue of such +plays as <i>Get-rich-quick Wallingford</i>, <i>Broadway Jones</i> and +<i>The Fortune Hunters</i>, wherein we see hustling methods +justifying by their success all the odd measures which led +to dollars. That the dominating business man who thus +rises to greatness has to marry a clerk or typist is perhaps +only a detail, but if the plays are to be taken as a guide it +is expected of him.</p> + +<p>The great tailoring house of Tarn, which has just appointed +a manager from Cleveland, Ohio, on the advice of +Lord <span class="sc">Claud Hamilton</span>, has completely transformed its +cutting department. All jackets are now made to reach to +the knees, with shoulders that project beyond the wearer's +body one foot on each side. The trousers are wide at +the knees and tight at the ankles, and are very effective. +Walking-sticks must not be worn with these suits. Messrs. +Tarn hope to bring back the frock coat very shortly, especially +for politicians.</p> + +<p>The American scholar who has just been appointed to +the Chair of English Composition at Oxford has already +made some drastic reforms. No longer may the student +write that he has a book "at home"; he must say "to +home." The participle "got" has gone in favour of "gotten"; +while the only text-books in use are of Trans-Atlantic origin. +The University has adopted the college cry of "No, +No, No Eng Lish Need, Need, Need Apply!"</p> + +<p>This yell will be used by Oxford partisans at the Inter-University +Sports during the performances of American +<span class="sc">Rhodes</span> Scholars.</p> + +<p>The latest news to reach us as we go to press is that the +directors of various London music halls are thinking +seriously whether or not they will call in American assistance +for their revues, either producers, actors or musicians. +But this is an innovating step which will require the +deepest thought.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SINGING WATER.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I heard—'twas on a morning, but when it was and where,</p> +<p>Except that well I heard it, I neither know nor care—</p> +<p>I heard, and, oh, the sunlight was shining in the blue,</p> +<p>A little water singing as little waters do.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>At Lechlade and at Buscot, where Summer days are long,</p> +<p>The tiny rills and ripples they tremble into song;</p> +<p>And where the silver Windrush brings down her liquid gems,</p> +<p>There's music in the wavelets she tosses to the Thames.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The eddies have an air too, and brave it is and blithe;</p> +<p>I think I may have heard it that day at Bablockhythe;</p> +<p>And where the Eynsham weir-fall breaks out in rainbow spray</p> +<p>The Evenlode comes singing to join the pretty play.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>But where I heard that music I cannot rightly tell;</p> +<p>I only know I heard it, and that I know full well:</p> +<p>I heard a little water, and, oh, the sky was blue,</p> +<p>A little water singing as little waters do.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>R. C. L.</p> +</div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span><h2>AN APOLOGY THAT MADE +THINGS WORSE.</h2> + +<p>We had a fancy-dress ball on +December 30th. They have these +things in nearly all Swiss Hotels and +you have to put up with them. As a +matter of fact Matilda and I enjoyed +ourselves. We supped well and danced +quite often. At 3.30 <span class="sc">a.m.</span> we set out +for our rooms. We took a lighted +candle with us to keep us warm as +we went. The way to get the most +warmth from a candle is to sit round +it. As the corridor was cold, we sat +round the candle outside Miss Wortley's +room, but this was quite accidental.</p> + +<p>We didn't know that she had gone +to bed at 10.30 <span class="sc">p.m.</span> with the primary +object of sleeping and the ulterior +motive of getting up the next morning +in time to catch an early train. We +weren't to know that she had wasted +her time from 11 <span class="sc">p.m.</span> to 3.25 <span class="sc">a.m.</span> +listening to a procession of revellers +retiring to their rooms. We had no +suspicion that she was just dozing off +for the first time when we stopped +to warm ourselves. We really made +very little noise, though we may have +laughed just a little. The report which +has got about, that I tried to climb up +the wall to see the time, is inaccurate. +The clock is not nearly high enough up +the wall to render this necessary, and +I didn't care a button what the time +was.</p> + +<p>If we had known that the Germans +who ought to have been asleep in the +room opposite to Miss Wortley would +come out into the corridor and shout +in their nasty guttural language, we +should probably not have tried to find +out whether anything was attached to +the other end of a piece of tape that +protruded from under their door. It +was quite a long piece of tape, and +there was something attached to the +end of it, though we never found out +what that something was. Anyway, +it was too large to pass under the +door, though we pulled the tape quite +hard. We had just given up our +investigation and reached our respective +rooms when the German family arrived +in the corridor and commented on the +matter.</p> + +<p>I can't see that we were really to +blame because Miss Wortley suffered +from insomnia, missed her early train +next morning and had to pay an extra +half franc for having breakfast in her +bedroom. She was very unpleasant +about it and went round telling everybody +that we had kept her awake all +night. She was one of those women +who——But there, I don't want to be +nasty, and anyone who reads this will +guess the kind of woman she was.</p> + +<p>The next day was New Year's Eve. +After dinner we took part in an Ice +Carnival, then we saw the New Year in, +and then we drank practically everybody's +health. At 2 <span class="sc">a.m.</span> I was sitting +in the lounge talking to Matilda when +a kind of peaceful sensation came over +me, and I began to be sorry that there +was any bad feeling between Miss +Wortley and us; so I said to Matilda, +It's New Year's Day and I should +like to start it on friendly terms with +everyone, including Miss Wortley. I +think I shall apologise to her about +last night; we may have been a little +thoughtless."</p> + +<p>"I don't see what there is to apologise +for," said Matilda, "but I suppose it +can't do any harm and it may help to +make things pleasant all round. If +you're going to apologise I suppose I +ought to do the same."</p> + +<p>"Come on then," I said.</p> + +<p>"Where to?"</p> + +<p>"To apologise."</p> + +<p>"Don't be absurd; we can't apologise +now. We'll apologise to-morrow."</p> + +<p>"We might miss her to-morrow, and +we ought to do a thing like this without +delay and as early in the New +Year as possible. If I don't do it now, +I may not feel apologetic later on, and +I don't want to go through the year +with even a tittle of Miss Wortley's +insomnia on my conscience."</p> + +<p>Matilda seemed rather uncertain +about it, but after a time recognised +that I was right, and we went up to +Miss Wortley's room. I had to knock +loudly on her door before I got any +answer, but eventually a sleepy voice +said, "Come in."</p> + +<p>I didn't think that we had better do +that, so I knocked again.</p> + +<p>"All right, you can bring in the +water."</p> + +<p>"It isn't exactly your shaving water—in +fact it's hardly time to get up +yet," I shouted.</p> + +<p>"What's the matter? Is the place +on fire?" I heard sounds as of a person +getting out of bed, so I said, "You +needn't get up, it's only us. We +wanted to apologise about last night. +We're sorry you didn't sleep very well. +Of course it wasn't altogether our +fault, but still we thought that we +should like to apologise; in fact we +didn't feel that we could go to sleep +until we had apologised; and—and we +wanted to wish you a Happy New +Year."</p> + +<p>I am not sure that I did the thing +very well, but I am sure that it would +have sounded better and that I shouldn't +have ended so lamely if Matilda hadn't +been so tactless as to laugh in the +middle. Somehow I got the idea that +the apology hadn't been accepted in +the spirit in which it had been tendered. +Suspicious sounds came from within, +including the click of a water jug; +also the German family opposite seemed +to be under the impression that it was +time to get up—so we didn't wait to +say Good-night, but slipped quietly out +of the way. Miss Wortley's door and the +door opposite opened simultaneously. +There were two splashes like water +thrown from jugs, and I fancy that +more than one person got wet. It +isn't easy to discover exactly what is +happening when two people are shouting +at the tops of their voices in +different languages, but I didn't gather +that they quite cleared the matter up +to their mutual satisfaction.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>EVERY AUTHOR'S WIFE.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>["What is the first step towards literary +production? It is imperative, if you wish to +write with any freshness at all, that you should +utterly ruin your digestion."—<i><span class="sc">H. G. Wells</span></i>.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"What have you dined on, husband mine?"</p> +<p>"Chocolate creams and ginger wine."</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"What did you take as an appetiser?"</p> +<p>"Haggis and Sauerkraut à la Kaiser."</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Didn't they give you any sweet?"</p> +<p>"Hard-boiled eggs and whisky neat."</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"And your fruit, I trust, was over-ripe?"</p> +<p>"Doughnuts five with a pound of tripe."</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Have you had nothing at all since then?"</p> +<p>"Lobster and stout." "Then here's your pen,</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"You must do a chapter or two to-night;</p> +<p>Have a banana and start to write."</p> +</div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>New Anglo-German Entente.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"Young gentlemen wish young English +lady to learn know for the common joint +exchange for the language sunday by flying +outs Pleasing writing at the office chiffre +J. 810."—<i>Leipziger Neuste Nachrichten.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Notice</span>.</p> + +<p>In order to popularise the Corporation +Crematorium, at Crematorium Road, the +Corporation have decided as an experimental +measure to abolish the fees now charged for +the use of the Crematorium for one year."</p> + +<p><i>Capital</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p></blockquote> + +<p>The inducement leaves us cold.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Infant Samson.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"2s. 6d. <span class="sc">reward</span> will be paid for name of +Small Boy who pushed a Cab Horse down in +the Station Yard, Teigumouth."</p> + +<p><i>Express and Echo</i> (<i>Exeter</i>).</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>More Commercial Candour.</h2> + +<p>From a Leeds grocer's circular:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>"A perfection of blending is obtained in —— Tea, +which, upon analysis, is pronounced +to be absolutely injurious to health."</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/149.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149.png" alt="" /></a><p>"<span class="sc">Have you any golf balls guaranteed to go straight?</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Not here, Madam. You might try the Conjuring Department—first floor</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE IDEAL FILM PLOT.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[The brisk demand by Cinema companies +for new picture-play stories has +led many writers of talent to turn their +attention to this fascinating branch of +literature. Unfortunately they often +fail not only to acquire a proper knowledge +of the technique of the art, but +to take steps to ascertain what the +public really wants. With the object +of helping authors in both directions we +publish below a scenario which has +been described by an authority as "the +ideal film plot."]</p></blockquote> + +<br /> +<p class="center">THE FIREBRAND'S REDEMPTION.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Persons</i>:</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Ferdinand</i>, a Cowboy.</p> +<p><i>General Devereux.</i></p> +<p><i>Phyllis Devereux</i>, his daughter.</p> +<p><i>Joe</i>, a soldier.</p> +<p><i>Cowboys</i>, <i>miners</i>, <i>soldiers</i>, <i>Indians</i>,</p> +<p><i>etc.</i></p> +</div> </div> + +<br /> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Part I.</span></p> + +<p>Ferdinand's <i>headlong career to the +Devil is arrested by the beautiful</i> +Phyllis Devereux.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">First Scene</span>.—A drinking saloon in +the Wild West. Cowboys, miners and +Western demi-mondaines playing cards +at top speed and drinking heavily. +Enter <i>Ferdinand</i>, drunk and carrying +a huge revolver in each hand and a +tomahawk between his teeth. He +forces the bar-tender to "hands up" and +begins shooting down the bottles ranged +along the counter. Enter <i>Phyllis</i>. As +soon as <i>Ferdinand</i> sees her he drops +the pistols and trembles violently. +<i>Phyllis</i> regards him searchingly and +leaves the saloon. <i>Ferdinand</i> follows +unsteadily. Projection on screen:—</p> + +<div class="bnote"><p class="center">Gee, boys! Ferd's hit, sure!</p></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Second Scene</span>.—Outside the saloon. +<i>Phyllis</i> is seen entering a sumptuous +motor. <i>Ferdinand</i> falls to his knees, +but she disregards him. As the motor +moves away he prepares to strike himself +on the back of the neck with his +tomahawk, but when the fatal blow is +about to fall <i>Phyllis</i> leans over the +back of the car and blows him a kiss. +Enlargement of <i>Ferdinand's</i> face working +with emotion and finally settling +into an expression of immense determination. +Projection on screen:—</p> + +<div class="bnote"><p class="center">I swear never to drink again!</p></div> + +<br /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Part II.</span></p> + +<p>Ferdinand <i>is called upon to show himself +worthy, but the old Adam conquers</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">First Scene</span>.—Outside <i>General +Devereux's</i> tent. Soldiers, Staff Officers, +etc. <i>General</i> sits in full uniform at a +table. Enter <i>Joe</i>, a very fat soldier. +He trips over his rifle, turns a somersault +and salutes. The <i>General</i> points +to the left and <i>Joe</i> goes off. Enter +<i>Phyllis</i>, who talks and gesticulates +with feeling. Projection on screen:—</p> + +<div class="bnote"><p class="center">Pop, I love him!</p></div> + +<p>Enter <i>Ferdinand</i>. Much talk and +discussion. Projection on screen:—</p> + +<div class="bnote"><p class="center">You must prove yourself worthy of her!</p></div> + +<p>The <i>General</i> points dramatically to the +left and writes at great speed. Projection +on screen, in angular/handwriting:—</p> + +<div class="bnote"><p class="center">Send help at once! We are surrounded<br /> +and in sore straits!—<i>Devereux.</i></p></div> + +<p>He hands paper to <i>Ferdinand</i>. Both +point dramatically to the left. <i>Phyllis</i> +leans over her lover's shoulder and +reads. All three point dramatically to +the left.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Second Scene</span>.—A wood. Enter +<i>Joe</i>, walking cautiously. Suddenly a +Red Indian in full war paint rushes +towards him. <i>Joe</i> turns tail and flies.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Third Scene</span>.—More wood. <i>Joe</i> is +seen running at about thirty-five miles +an hour, pursued by seven Indians.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fourth Scene</span>.—A tract of rocky +country. <i>Joe</i> is seen running at about +fifty-two miles an hour, pursued by +fifteen Indians.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fifth Scene</span>.—The bank of a river. +<i>Joe</i> is seen running at about seventy-eight +miles an hour, pursued by twenty-three +Indians. He trips over a stone +and falls into the water. Enter +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span><i>Ferdinand</i> on horseback. He dismounts +and fires a revolver. Four Indians bite +the dust. He fires again. Four more +Indians bite the dust and the rest fly. +<i>Ferdinand</i> shades his right eye, peers +into the river, dives in and presently +reappears with <i>Joe</i>. The latter feels +anxiously in his pockets and produces +a flask. He hands it to <i>Ferdinand</i>, +who drinks. Enlargement of <i>Ferdinand</i> +drinking.</p> + +<br /> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Part III.</span></p> + +<p>Phyllis <i>again to the rescue</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">First Scene</span>.—The same. <i>Ferdinand</i> +and <i>Joe</i> lie on the ground drunk. Enter +<i>Phyllis</i> disguised as a soldier. Expressive +despair. She searches <i>Ferdinand's</i> +pockets and finds despatch, which +is again projected on the screen. She +points dramatically to the left and +looks doubtfully at <i>Ferdinand</i>. Then +she takes out a revolver, averts her eyes +and shoots him in the shoulder. Projection +on screen:—</p> + +<div class="bnote"> +<p class="center">They will think he has been wounded<br /> +by the enemy and will suspect<br /> +nothing!</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="sc">Second Scene</span>.—A wood. <i>Phyllis</i> +on horseback riding at a great pace +and waving the despatch in her right +hand.</p> + +<br /> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Part IV.</span></p> + +<p><i>All's well that ends well.</i></p> + +<p><span class="sc">First Scene</span>.—A hospital. <i>Ferdinand</i> +and <i>Joe</i> lying in cots and attended +by nurses. <i>Ferdinand</i> signals to <i>Joe</i> +and they leap out of bed, gag the +nurses and tie them up with towels. +Then they make a rope of bedclothes +and climb out of the window.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Second Scene</span>.—Outside the hospital. +<i>Ferdinand</i>, in pyjamas, is seen +sliding rapidly down the rope. <i>Joe</i> +follows. The rope breaks and he falls +with a crash to the ground.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Third Scene</span>.—A field, with an aeroplane +attended by mechanics standing +in it. Enter <i>Ferdinand</i> and <i>Joe</i> running. +They climb into the machine, +the motor is started and they shoot out +of the picture.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fourth Scene</span>.—The sky. An aeroplane +flying very high and very fast.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fifth Scene</span>.—A forest. <i>Phyllis</i> is +tied to a tree and three Red Indians +are about to run her through with +spears. Suddenly they look upwards +as if disturbed by some noise. At this +moment <i>Ferdinand</i> drops to the ground +from the top of the picture. He at +once shoots the Indians and releases +<i>Phyllis</i>. The latter points dramatically +to the right and produces a paper. +Projection on screen:—</p> + +<div class="bnote"> +<p class="center">30,000 men will relieve you<br /> +to-morrow!—<i>Conolly.</i></p> +</div> + +<p><i>Ferdinand</i> and <i>Phyllis</i> both point +dramatically to the right.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sixth Scene</span>.—Outside the <i>General's</i> +tent. Soldiers and Staff Officers as +before. Enter <i>Ferdinand</i> and <i>Phyllis</i>. +<i>Ferdinand</i> hands the despatch to the +<i>General</i>. Despatch is again projected +on the screen. The <i>General</i> rises and +salutes with much emotion. All present +salute, <i>Ferdinand</i> clasps <i>Phyllis</i> in +his arms to kiss her.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Seventh Scene</span>.—The Kiss—about +twenty-five times life-size.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/150.png"><img width="100%" src="images/150.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>discussing housemaid who has given notice</i>). "<span class="sc">Well, of course, if she wants to go she must. But it seems +foolish of her if her only reason is that she wants a change. She won't get a better place than this</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Cook.</i> "<span class="sc">That's just what i tell the silly girl, Ma'am. 'Depend upon it,' I says to her, 'you'll only be going out +of the frying-pan into the fire</span>.'"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Mr. G. Dyson, who succeeded Mr. W. S. +Bambridge as organist at the college a little +over two years ago, is leaving to go to Rugby, +as organist there. Since he has been at +Marlborough Mr. Dyson has given a large +number of much-appreciated recitals in the +college chapel. The organ is still undergoing +repair."—<i>The Standard.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>We make no comment. This is Rugby's +affair, not ours.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151.png" alt="" /></a><h3>DESPERATE REMEDIES.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Colonel Herbert H. Asquith</span> (<i>to Colonel <span class="sc">Andrew B. Law</span>, on observing that he also has taken a leaf out +of Lord <span class="sc">Claud Hamilton's</span> book</i>). "GUESS YOU WON'T CUT ANY ICE, BONAR, UNLESS YOU +SHAVE THAT MOUSTACHE OFF."</p></div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page152" id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span><hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span><h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February +16.</i>—<span class="sc">Worthington Evans</span> charmed +House to-day by one of those little +delicacies of feeling and taste favoured +in the assembly. <span class="sc">Masterman</span> has met +the reward of conspicuous success at +the Treasury by promotion to Cabinet +rank. In his absence his place temporarily +taken at Question Time by +<span class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</span>, who, while careful +to deprecate personal responsibility for +promise to give 9<i>d.</i> for 4<i>d.</i>, displayed +remarkable intimacy with intricacies +of the Insurance Act. <span class="sc">Worthington +Evans</span>, having as usual, after the leisure +of a week-end, provided himself with +collection of conundrums +based on its working, knew +that when he came down +to-day he would find +<span class="sc">Masterman's</span> seat empty.</p> + +<p>Marked the occasion by +presenting himself in +mourning array—not the +profoundest black such as +<i>Hamlet</i> upon occasion +affected, but a prevalence +of decorous colour provided +in what is known in +drapers' shops as "The +Mitigated Affliction Department." +An uncompromising +black tie was a determining +note in his attire, +testifying to sincere regret +at parting from a Minister +whom for three Sessions +he has, so to speak, riddled +with conundrums.</p> + +<p>Insurance Act has suddenly +again sprung into prominence. +By odd accident revival is +coincident with couple of by-elections +going forward in Metropolis. <span class="sc">Joynson-Hicks</span> +much struck by circumstance +that announcement of scheme under +the Act dealing with casual labour +at the docks is promulgated just +now, when election is proceeding in +a constituency where there happen +to be many docks and a multitude of +casual labourers who have votes.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Bonner Law</span>, when he comes to +think of it, equally surprised. Would +the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span> +oblige by explaining? As for <span class="sc">Lord +Bob Cecil</span>, he is so perturbed that he +momentarily forgets he has leading +question to address to <span class="sc">Premier</span> designed +to extract secret intention with respect +to amending Home Rule Bill.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, always ready to +oblige, explains that scheme in question +was prepared last Autumn, had frequently +been referred to by <span class="sc">Masterman</span> +whilst still at the Treasury.</p> + +<p>"I am sure," he added, with twinkle +in his eye, "we owe a debt of gratitude +to Mr. <span class="sc">Joynson-Hicks</span> for calling +further attention to the matter at this +particular moment."</p> + +<p>Opposition not to be put off by +badinage. Discover in apparently +innocent accident evidence of that +deep-seated tendency to import bribery +and corruption into by-elections of +which one of the Whips was this afternoon +made a terrible example.</p> + +<p>Above and below Gangway Members +popped up desiring to put further +questions. Too much even for patience +of <span class="sc">Speaker</span>. Suggested matter had +better be raised upon debate.</p> + +<p>"Why, cert'nly," said <span class="sc">Joynson-Hicks</span>.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%" src="images/153.png" alt="" /></a><p class="center">Lord <span class="sc">Robert Cecil</span> is "perturbed."</p></div> + +<p>Accordingly, when at eleven o'clock +debate on Address automatically stood +adjourned, and Members were anxious +to get home, the <span class="sc">Jocund Joynson</span> turned +up, and we had it all over again for +space of half-an-hour.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="sc">Ormsby-Gore</span> moved +amendment expressing regret that, in +spite of all they had heard to its +detriment in Lords and Commons, +Government intend to proceed with +Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill. +On division amendment negatived by +279 votes against 217. Reduction of +normal Ministerial majority hailed +with delight on Opposition benches.</p> + +<p><i>House of Lords, Tuesday.</i>—"What's +this?" <span class="sc">Sark</span> asked, looking in at half-past +four and finding House crowded +with throng of strangers blocking +approaches. "Is it the Land or the +Church?"</p> + +<p>"Neither," said <span class="sc">Marchamley</span>; "it's +Marconi."</p> + +<p>"Ah," said <span class="sc">Sark</span>, as if that explained +everything.</p> + +<p>On paper stood motion in name of +<span class="sc">Ampthill</span> for appointment of Select +Committee to enquire into relation of +Lord <span class="sc">Murray</span> with Marconi business. +The name, more blessed than Mesopotamia, +stirred glad Opposition to +profoundest depths. Thought it over +and done with; and here it was again, +blooming like the aloe, though after +briefer interval. Excitement broke +through ordinarily ice-bound calm of +the House.</p> + +<p>Opposition benches crowded to fullest +capacity. Privy Councillors and sons +of Peers jostled each other on steps +of Throne. Peeresses flocked down +by the score. Curious effect of latest +fashion in headgear displayed in side +galleries. Nearly every bonnet—or +were they hats?—was +loftily plumed with black +feathers, ominously familiar +on hearses. It seemed as +if the ladies had come to +bury Cæsar (of Elibank), +not to praise or even condemn +him.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Murray</span>, arriving early, +passed the Front Bench, +where as ex-Minister he +had a right to sit. Found +a place immediately behind +in friendly contiguity to +former colleagues, Lord +<span class="sc">Crewe</span> and Lord <span class="sc">Morley</span>. +On stroke of half-past four +he rose and, producing sheaf +of manuscript, began to +read. In low voice, with +slow intonation, he turned +over page after page, each +scored with acknowledgment +of contrition and regret +for mistakes made. He +pleaded that "my error, such as it was, +was an error of judgment, not of +intention." As to purchase of American +Marconi shares on behalf of the Liberal +Party, "I have," he said, "myself +assumed the burden by taking over +these shares at the price paid for them +at the date of purchase, and, as the +House will appreciate, at very considerable +personal loss."</p> + +<p>Throughout ten minutes he was on +his legs <span class="sc">Murray</span>, in unconscious sympathy +with the hearse plumes that +nodded over him from the side gallery +at his back, spoke in funereal note. In +the Commons so frank a confession, so +ample an apology, would have been +accepted with burst of general cheering. +Shrewd Members know that an assured +method of gaining temporary popularity +is to commit a breach of order and take +early opportunity of withdrawing anything +offensive that may have been +said, apologising for anything unseemly +that may have been done. When, for +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span>example, <span class="sc">Ronald M'Neill</span> apologised +for having chucked at the head of the +<span class="sc">First Lord of the Admiralty</span> a book +containing rules for preservation of +order in debate, he was almost rapturously +cheered.</p> + +<p>Chilliness of the graveyard froze +round <span class="sc">Murray</span> as he read carefully +prepared statement. When he sat down, +faint murmur of applause rose from +scanty muster on Liberal side. No +sound, whether of approval or disapproval, +broke the stillness +of the serried benches opposite.</p> + +<p>Effect contagious. <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span> +almost inaudible. +<span class="sc">Crewe</span> quite so. Strangers +at back of gallery, hearing +no voice and seeing the +Noble Lord standing at the +table nervously wringing his +hands and twiddling his +fingers, thought he was conversing +with the <span class="sc">Leader of +the Opposition</span> by means of +the deaf and dumb alphabet.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ampthill</span> above these evidences +of human weakness. +<span class="sc">Lansdowne</span> in characteristically +chivalrous manner +suggested that motion for +Committee should be withdrawn, +affording opportunity +to Noble Lords to consider +<span class="sc">Murray's</span> statement and the +best course to be taken upon +it. <span class="sc">Ampthill</span> not allured +by such considerations. As +he shrewdly remarked, if he +consented to withdraw his +motion it could not be revived. +All he would consent to was +not to insist upon proceeding +with business at to-day's +sitting. Stipulated that his +opportunity should not be +hampered by "unavoidable +delay."</p> + +<p>On this understanding +House adjourned, hoarse +plumes in side galleries forlornly +nodding themselves out.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> at +bay in the Commons. His famous +Budget attacked afresh on motion +of Amendment to Address. <span class="sc">Ananias</span> +and <span class="sc">Sapphira</span> personally mentioned in +course of debate. Amendment negatived +by 301 votes against 213.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Upon inquiry and reflection +<span class="sc">Lansdowne</span> discovered that in +matter of proposed Marconi Committee +<span class="sc">Ampthill</span> is in fuller accord with +opinion of majority on his side of +House than himself. Accordingly, +adopts <span class="sc">Ampthill's</span> motion and moves +it. <span class="sc">Crewe</span> offering no opposition, +Committee appointed without division.</p> + +<p>In Commons, just after 11 o'clock, +news came of defeat of <span class="sc">Masterman</span> in +Bethnal Green. Turns out there was +more in <span class="sc">Worthington Evans's</span> assumption +of "the inky cloak, good mother" +than on Monday met the eye. Boisterous +scene of exultation in Unionist camp, +jubilant cries of "Resign, Resign." +"Resign!" growled <span class="sc">Sark</span>. "Why +should <span class="sc">Wilson</span> resign a seat just won? +It is true it was in a three-cornered +fight, and by a majority of twenty-four +he represents minority of electors. But +the seat is his, and of course he'll keep +it."</p> + +<p>Curious how obtuse <span class="sc">Sark</span> can be +upon occasion.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Debate on Address +agreed to in Commons. Forthwith +set to on Estimates. Work cut out till +31st March. After that Home Rule +and the Deluge.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/154.png"><img width="100%" src="images/154.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE MAN FROM BOGOTA.</h3> + +<p>Lord <span class="sc">Murray of Elibank</span> (talking); Lord <span class="sc">Mobley of +Blackburn</span> (thinking).</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">On Shrove Tuesday, Feb. 24</span>,</p> + +<p class="center">COOK'S FAST DAY EXCURSIONS TO BIRMINGHAM"</p> + +<p><i>Midland Railway Leaflet.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>The rest of us take our first "fast day," +as usual, on Ash Wednesday.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE CANAL.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>An attempt to express in futuristic +"verse" the emotions aroused by a +futuristic painting bearing the above +title.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Mud, sedimentary, coffee-colour,</p> +<p>And here a wedge, a sharp, keen, thrustful triangularity,</p> +<p>And squares that writhe in painful green,</p> +<p>Calling, clamouring—O venerable shade of <span class="sc">Euclid</span>.</p> +<p>Back in the ages, dusty, maculated,</p> +<p>Across the slate-hued fogs of time,</p> +<p>Behold them!—oblongs of sliding water</p> +<p>And cubed banks,</p> +<p>Bridges and barges, blatantly, wonderfully, inconceivably angular,</p> +<p>Calling, clamouring—canal, canal, canal!</p> +<p>Out on the sea, restive and sloppy,</p> +<p>A waste of salinity,</p> +<p>So they aver,</p> +<p>There are ships with masts, sails, halyards,</p> +<p>Spankers, booms and things;</p> +<p>There are lobsters and jellyfish—not here.</p> +<p>Nothing here but illimitable mysteries,</p> +<p>Baffling unknowledgeableness,</p> +<p>Fathomless, fainting from square to square,</p> +<p>Oblongs and nosey triangles, ever so nosey,</p> +<p>Shapes rhomboidal, perchance rhombohedral—who knows?</p> +<p>Puce and mustard-tinted—delicate,</p> +<p>Oh, most delicate the mustard!—</p> +<p>And russet, cadaverous pink,</p> +<p>They mingle, compaginate,</p> +<p>And their voices mingle,</p> +<p>They call me out of the frame,</p> +<p>They call,</p> +<p>Thinly and crazily,</p> +<p>Canal, canal, canal—slimy, crawly-crawly water!</p> +</div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Literary</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Free</span>.—Our 160-page book, 'Hints for +Home Decorators,' will be sent free on receipt +of 1½d. for postage. Full instructions on +painting, staining, graining, varnishing, +enamelling, stencilling, gilding, colour-washing, +how to mix paints, colours, inks, dyes, +and scores of valuable recipes."</p> + +<p><i>Daily Citizen.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Now we know where our novelists get +their local colour.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/155.png"><img width="100%" src="images/155.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Rector</i> (<i>thanking all who have contributed to the success of the bazaar</i>). "<span class="sc">And as for Lady Blank, I should not like to +tell you what <i>she</i> has done</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE DEADLY BUTTON.</h2> + +<p>We do not know whether the following +incident occurred at Signor <span class="sc">Ben +Trovato's</span> famous restaurant on Fifth +Avenue or not, but feel impelled, at +any rate, to quote it as a warning, on +the authority of <i>The Globe</i> of February +19th, and <i>The New York American</i>:—</p> + +<p>"Giving a well-satisfied sigh after +dinner a Pittsburg man burst a button off +his waistcoat. It split in two. One half +hit another man, with whom he was +dining, in the eye. As a result his <i>vis-á-vis</i> +may lose the sight of his eye. +The other half struck the convivo in +the cheek, cutting the flesh."</p> + +<p>This new and hitherto unsuspected +possibility in ballistics must be rightly +directed and also guarded against. +There will be danger from the opposite +side of the table at City dinners at +about the tenth course and onwards, +unless the wary guest can screen himself +from the Corporation behind a +laager of fruit-dishes and substantial +ornaments.</p> + +<p>If two gourmets fall out over the +respective merits of their favourite +<i>entremets</i>, the remedy is now easy. +There is the duel by button. Each of the +principals, seconded by his particular +waiter, after carefully taking his opponent's +range and bearings, will suspire +and hit him in the eye. The more +replete combatant, having the greater +equatorial velocity, will probably win, +but the tailor can do a good deal towards +securing a flat trajectory and +freedom from swerve.</p> + +<p>At Christmas dinners, Tommy, when +adequately charged, can challenge a +rival amateur of plum-pudding to a +rally over the dessert, instead of expending +his horse-power over crackers. A +little training, of course, would be +needed to secure a combine fusillade.</p> + +<p>It is only right to add that evening-dress +waistcoats are henceforward to +come under those sections of the Geneva +Convention which relate to missiles +and explosives. No soft-nosed buttons, +or studs which are liable to "bunch," +are to be allowed. A special regulation +further requires that persons more than +fifty inches in circumference, and fire-eaters +who have already marked their +men, shall dine by themselves, or at +any rate only at a high table where +there is no <i>vis-á-vis</i>. And page-boys +are to be compelled to use hooks-and-eyes, +unless they are engaged for a +wedding or funeral salvo.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Zig-Zag</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Plural Voter.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"At the Wilmot-street Schools ... the +credit of being first fell to a well-known +resident—a stone-mason by craft.... There +was no mistaking the colour of his political +opinions. He voted for Major Sir Mathew +Wilson."—<i>Evening News.</i></p> + +<p>"'I am going to be the first man in England +who ever voted at 7 a.m.,' said an +enthusiastic workman at the Wilmot-street +Station as he fell in with the opening of the +front door. He voted for Masterman."—<i>Star.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p>A message recently sent to a New +Zealand chemist:</p> + +<blockquote><p>"Please give the little girl a plaster for a +man that a piece of wood blew off a shed and +hit him in the rib."</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Bay Gelding</span>, 5 years, 16 h.p., up to 13 +stone; hunted up to date; good performer and +temperate; quiet with road nuisances; 30 gs."</p></blockquote> + +<p>Thirty guineas for a 16 horse-power +horse is absurd.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span><h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Helen with the High Hand</span>."</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/156-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/156-1.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE HIGH HAND.</h3> + +<p><i>Helen Rathbone</i> <span class="wide">Miss <span class="sc">Nancy Price</span>.</span></p> + +<p><i>James Ollerenshaw</i> <span class="wid">Mr. <span class="sc">Norman McKinnel</span>.</span></p></div> + +<p>There is great entertainment at the +Vaudeville for the admirers of Mr. +<span class="sc">Norman McKinnel</span>, among whom I +propose to count myself whenever, as so +rarely happens, he takes an evening off +from his tyrannical methods—seldom +very edifying when a woman is the +victim. As the gentleman says in one +of <span class="sc">Oscar Wendell Holmes's</span> books, +"<i>Quoiqu'elle soit très solidement montée, +it ne faut pas brutaliser la machine</i>." +Here it is true that Mr. <span class="sc">McKinnel</span> +started out on his familiar courses, but he +soon found that he had to do with his +match; that <i>Helen's</i> hand was always +a little higher than his own. And, even +when we saw him at his most dogmatic, +the fact that the question of sex, in its +physical aspects, did not enter into +their relations—he was only her step-great-uncle—saved +us from a great +deal of uneasiness. In all his moods, +whether of blustering self-assertion or +reluctant surrender, of canny craft or +protesting generosity, Mr. <span class="sc">McKinnel</span> +was equally admirable.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:25%;"><a href="images/156-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/156-2.png" alt="" /></a><h3>MODES FROM "THE POTTERIES."</h3> + +<p>What Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett's</span> ladies wear +to-day Vienna wears to-morrow.</p> + +<p><i>Lilian Swetnam</i> <span class="widd">Miss <span class="sc">Mièle Maund</span>.</span></p></div> + +<p>The local atmosphere of the Five +Towns was established with less delay +over detail than is customary in this +kind. There was a lot of tea-drinking, +I admit, but no doubt this beverage +plays a strong part in the social life of +the Potteries. There was also much +handling of domestic provisions—streaky +bacon, cheese, and so forth—but +all this was proper enough in a +play that largely turned upon the +changes in an old celibate's <i>ménage</i>. +But in the main it was a comedy of +character, a struggle between youth +and crabbed age, in which the younger +will and the quicker wit prevailed. +As we first see him, <i>James Ollerenshaw</i> +is a crusty, browbeating, misogynist, +hoarding his wealth, content with a +mean habit of life, and convinced that +nobody can get the better of him. As +we see him at the end he is a tamed +man, dependent on female protection +against the wiles of a designing widow, +and established, at great cost, with his +niece in the noble and ancient mansion +of her desire. There were subsidiary +love-episodes, of course, but these, +though novel in some particulars, were +relatively perfunctory. The character +of <i>James Ollerenshaw</i> was the real +matter of resistance.</p> + +<p>Miss <span class="sc">Nancy Price's</span> <i>Helen</i> was a +very probable performance. For myself +I found her a little too minx-eyed for my +taste, but no doubt this was part of the +right Pottery touch. Minor characters +were all brightly played, Miss <span class="sc">Mièle +Maund</span> being particularly happy as a +garrulous young girl in the first flush +of an engagement, who subsequently +throws over her violent <i>fiancé</i> on the +ground that "she could never marry a +man who pushes people into lakes." +Even the <i>vieux jeu</i> of the designing +widow took on a certain freshness in +the robust bands of Miss <span class="sc">Rosina +Filippi</span>.</p> + +<p>I am in the fortunate position of having +yet to read Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett's</span> +novel, from which Mr. <span class="sc">Pryce's</span> comedy +has been adapted, and am therefore free +to treat the play itself on what I take +to be its merits. It may be that the +adapter assumed in us a little previous +knowledge of the history of <i>Helen's</i> +love affair, or that at least there was +an obscurity about her past that wanted +clearing up by retrospective illumination; +but that is my only possible +criticism; and I heartily congratulate +the Vaudeville management on having +at last discovered a play that promises +to reward their enterprise.</p> + +<p>Not suspecting that there would be +a change of hours after the second +night, I arrived on the third night +punctually at 8, to find that the performance +was announced to begin at +8.30. Punctually at that hour I returned, +to find that it did not commence +till 9; that in the meantime I was to +assist at a song-and-talk recital of +which no threat had been published. +My quarrel is not with Mr. <span class="sc">Frederic +Norton</span> who did it, though his clever +entertainment began with some songs +about fishes and things that might have +warmed a Penny Readings' audience +but left me bitterly cold. My complaint +is of a wasted hour and a bolted dinner. +I mention it only to prove that, whatever +the provocation he has suffered, a +Dramatic Critic is incapable of prejudice.</p> + +<p>O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Another Impending Apology.</h2> + +<blockquote><p class="center">"ALBANIA'S NEW RULER</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">How Prince William will enter his +Kingdom</span>.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="wider"><u>FOUR</u>"</span></p> + +<p><i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Looping the loop on all fours?</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Shooting on the river Doe, in Kirkcudbrightshire, +Colonel Kennaway, Greenlaw, +shot a fine specimen of the male gadwall, a +comparatively rare visitor."—<i>Glasgow Herald.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Col. <span class="sc">Kennaway</span> (<i>to deceased male +gadwall</i>). "That'll teach you to be so +beastly rare."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"The Wigan County Licensing Sessions +were held yesterday. Superintendent Kelly +stated that fifty-four persons had been proceeded +against for drunkenness, an increase +of 124 over last year."—<i>Liverpool Daily Post.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Superintendent <span class="sc">Kelly</span> should join the +Government.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"A recital was given yesterday afternoon by +Dr. Walter Alcock, who bears the title of +organist and composer to His Majesty's +Chapels Royal, and assistant organist of Westminster +Abbey, and happens to be also an +organist of exceptional attainments."</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshire Post.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>The luck of Royalty is proverbial.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Welsh Professional Championship</span>.</p> + +<p>Milward, after compiling a break of 73, +failed at a very easy shot, otherwise the contribution +might have been higher."</p> + +<p><i>Sportsman.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>It would seem certain, but—you never +can tell with these wily Welshmen.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%" src="images/157.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Wealthy Visitor.</i> "<span class="sc"><i>You</i> 'ard up! Wot do <i>you</i> do to make you 'ard up? I never 'ear of you gettin' a car for £2,000 +as <i>I</i>'ve just done, or buyin' your wife £3,000 worth o' joolrey as <i>I</i> did last week, or sendin' your boy a 'unded pounds-worth +o' mechanical toys as <i>I</i> 'ave this mornin'. You've 'ad bread and cheese and <i>I</i>'ve stood six jolly fellers a +champagne lunch—'ow can <i>you</i> be 'ard up</span>?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE DANGER SIGNAL.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>["I think moods and colours are related to one another. For +instance, you have to feel very happy and well to enjoy rose-pink."</p> + +<p><i>Miss <span class="sc">Gladys Cooper</span>.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Dear, did the afternoon seem dull and dreary?</p> +<p class="i2">Sweet, did you murmur as the tears fell thick—</p> +<p>"My true love cometh not and I am weary;</p> +<p class="i8">This is a dirty trick"?</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Hear my excuse. With laudable precision</p> +<p class="i2">I reached our rendezvous full early, but</p> +<p>When you appeared in view, a rose-pink vision,</p> +<p class="i8">I really had to cut.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>For oh! your costume made me apprehensive;</p> +<p class="i2">That colour-scheme which caused my eyes to blink</p> +<p>Proved you in joyous vein, while I was pensive</p> +<p class="i8">And in no mood for pink.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I wanted converse with the gentle lily</p> +<p class="i2">And not the rose with all its flaunting show,</p> +<p>Someone to stroke my hand and call me "Willie"</p> +<p class="i8">In accents soft and low.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>If we had met, your gaiety had grieved me;</p> +<p class="i2">There had been bitter back-chat to and fro;</p> +<p>And so I stole away ere you perceived me;</p> +<p class="i8">Dear, it was better so.</p> +</div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>For all Tastes.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"Number of births on the 28th instant 16; number of rats trapped +on the 29th instant 273."—<i>The Said Gazette.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE EXPERT IN EXCELSIS.</h2> + +<p>The invitation to Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur Brock</span>, the well-known +pyrotechnist, to express his opinion of <span class="sc">Stravinsky's</span> orchestral +fantasia, "Fireworks," on the occasion of its +second performance at Queen's Hall on the 28th inst., +has, we are delighted to learn, been fruitful of a series of +similar invitations, not only in the sphere of music but also +in the domain of art and letters.</p> + +<p>Thus we understand that the place of the ordinary +musical critic of <i>The Times</i> will be taken at the next performance +of <i>Parsifal</i> by Mr. <span class="sc">Waterer</span>, the great floricultural +expert, and Mr. <span class="sc">Devant</span>, the eminent conjurer, +with a view to their contributing their impressions of the +flower maidens and the methods of the magician <i>Klingsor</i> +respectively.</p> + +<p>Similarly, on the occasion of the next representation of +<span class="sc">Wagner's</span> <i>Flying Dutchman</i> at Covent Garden, a signed +criticism by the Chief Locomotive Superintendent of the +Great Western Railway will appear in the pages of our +contemporary.</p> + +<p>The practice, which it is hoped will lend additional +brightness to the vivacious criticisms of <i>The Times</i>, is not +to be confined to Opera. The <span class="sc">Astronomer-Royal</span> will be +asked to record his impressions of <span class="sc">Beethoven's</span> "Moonlight +Sonata", and the officials of our leading lightships +will be asked to report upon <span class="sc">Parry's</span> "Blest Pair of Sirens."</p> + +<p>The application of the new method to literature promises +to be equally interesting. It is an open secret that Messrs. +<span class="sc">Gunter</span> have been permanently retained by <i>The Pastry-cook's +Gazette</i> to review all books dealing with the Glacial +Epoch, Ice-action and Arctic Exploration.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span><h2>A CHARACTER.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—Under the title +of "A Bygone" you recently published +the tale of a certain estimable butler +and his one lapse, during many years' +service, into alcoholism. This reminds +me of the shorter and sharper history +of our own James, who came to our +Northern home on a Monday afternoon +and left upon the following morning.</p> + +<p>For his chief characteristics be referred +us, on application, to the opinion +of a (Mrs.) Elizabeth Brown, of "The +Cottage," Bamston, near Maidstone, +Kent, who, he said, knew more about +him than anybody else, and would take +him back into her service later if need +and opportunity arose. This opinion +described him briefly but emphatically +as honest, sober and willing. By way +of the usual caution we wrote to this +good lady direct and asked her to be so +kind as to elaborate her views to us in +confidence. In reply she wrote that +James had been with her for eleven +years on and off, had left her only +because she was leaving "The Cottage," +would be welcomed back by her when +she settled down again, and meanwhile +was very honest, very sober and very +willing. There was that about the +handwriting and style of this letter +which made us feel that the writer +might not be one of the old <i>noblesse</i>, +but was, at any rate, a kindly, sensible +and acute old body, who knew now and +always what she was talking about. +Moreover it indicated, but did not +actually state, that the man had come +to be regarded in the writer's household +with feelings more friendly than +those usually found between employer +and employé: always, we thought, a +strong recommendation of an old servant. +On the strength of this correspondence +we decided to give him a +trial at least.</p> + +<p>There was nothing peculiar about +his appearance, except the suggestion +of a secret sorrow, which was no business +of ours. His willingness was at +once apparent: our house being full +for a hunt ball there was plenty of +work for him to do, but even so he +found time between tea and dinner to +put in a preliminary polish of the silver, +which, he told us, was his chief joy in +life, or rather one of them. Moreover +he refused to go to bed until our return +from the ball, timed not to be earlier +than 4 <span class="sc">a.m.</span>, and insisted that he would +sit up for us.</p> + +<p>We drove off after dinner without a +qualm; for, though my wife declares +that she detected a suspicious smell of +spirits as he put the carriage rug over +her, unhappily she did not think to +mention this till the next day. When +we got back in the small hours we +found that, in accordance with his +promise, he had indeed not gone to +bed. There he was unmistakably in the +hall. But he wasn't sitting up.... +No.... Rather, he was lying down, +back uppermost.... So much for his +sobriety.</p> + +<p>We resolved to show no mercy. +Having promised to drive Captain +Merriman, one of our guests, to the +station to catch the early train to London, +I was myself up betimes to see +the sinful James also off the premises. +His sorrow, no longer secret, was very +manifest; it was a cold wet morning; +it required some strength of mind to +cast the fellow adrift and leave him to +find his own way, with bag and +baggage, to oblivion. But I did it.</p> + +<p>One does not leave much margin of +time on these occasions, and it was not +long afterwards that we followed in the +dog-cart; nor had we got far on our +road before we espied the back of James +ahead of us—one of the saddest backs +I have ever seen. He had still four +miles to go to the station; his bag was +obviously not light; he looked as if he +would not get four more yards without +collapsing; no doubt he had had an +exhaustive night; finally, even that +stern disciplinarian, Merriman, took +pity. So, "Jump up behind, you old +blackguard," I called to him as I drew +up alongside, and up he climbed, cling-to +his seedy bag and protesting that +this was very much more than he +deserved.</p> + +<p>As to his honesty you, Sir, must +judge. The police doubted it from the +start, and their experience led them to +be sure that the reference was forged, +that there was no "Cottage" and no +Elizabeth Brown. No doubt he had +managed to get our letter delivered to +him and had forged an answer to +that. On all points they were wrong +and James was correct. There was +"The Cottage" all right, very much a +cottage; it had been vacated by the +tenant, not voluntarily (who ever said +it had?) but by reason of arrears of +six weeks' rent, at 5<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> per week. +The tenant's name was truly Elizabeth +Brown, though she was more commonly +known as Old Bess, and she was +the one person to know all about our +James, being his wife. And we've no +reason to doubt that she has taken him +back into her service and was very glad +to do it too.</p> + +<p>In short, I cannot claim that James +lied to us in any particular. So much +for his honesty. As far as dishonesty +was involved in the matter of the bag, +I am not in a position to complain of +that, seeing that it was by my agency +alone that that bag got to the station, +and it was at my expense that our local +porter deposited, <i>inter alia</i>, my wife's +much valued Georgian tea service and +spoons in the London train, just about +the time that the theft of them was +being discovered at home. Under the +guilty circumstances I prefer to remain</p> + +<p>Your anonymous <br /> + +<span class="sc">Correspondent</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TO MINKI-POO</h2> + +<p class="center">(SHUTTING ONE EYE).</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I watch you, while the firelight glare</p> +<p class="i2">Strews flick'ring fancies round the hall,</p> +<p>Replete, with what exotic fare</p> +<p class="i2">No watcher by The Wall</p> +<p class="i2">Had ever thought to line himself withal.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>And, as I mark the locks that weave</p> +<p class="i2">A curtain for your eyes of flame,</p> +<p>I sometimes think if you'd a sleeve</p> +<p class="i2">To help you in the game,</p> +<p class="i2">You'd find a laugh or two to fill the same.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>For She in whose grey eyes there springs</p> +<p class="i2">Ruth for the lowliest and the least</p> +<p>Proclaims you heir of countless kings,</p> +<p class="i2">An emblem from the East</p> +<p class="i2">Of inward beauty in the outward beast.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>She says you miss the sidewise roll</p> +<p class="i2">Of palanquins in Something-Chang,</p> +<p>Or sigh for little bells that toll</p> +<p class="i2">Beside the Si-kiang,</p> +<p class="i2">And dream-dogs of your old Celestial gang.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>For me, I think that tiny heart</p> +<p class="i2">Bears no such Oriental load;</p> +<p>Your dreams concern no Pekoe mart</p> +<p class="i2">Nor mandarin's abode,</p> +<p class="i2">But some dim purlieu of the Edgware Road.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Well, young pretender, have your fling!</p> +<p class="i2">Though Fate forbade you to adorn</p> +<p>The pompous pedigree of Ming,</p> +<p class="i2">No particle of scorn</p> +<p class="i2">Shall ever fall upon the Briton born!</p> +</div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"It was contended that the captain had +been placed in circumstances of exceptional +difficulty. The solicitor for the Board of +Trade said that between six and seven hundred +pilgrims from Mecca swarmed on to the ship +at Beyrouth to return to Morocco."</p> + +<p><i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Another result of the expiry of the +<span class="sc">Wagner</span> copyrights?</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"She went out rather quickly by the door, +but none of them laughed."—<i>From "The +Cheerful Christian," by <span class="sc">David Lyall</span>, in +"The British Weekly."</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>She must try the window next time, +and then, if they still won't laugh, the +chimney.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159.png" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><i>First Irate Gentleman.</i> "<span class="sc">When I 'its a man, 'e remembers it</span>."<br /> + +<span class="widdd"><i>Second Irate Gentleman.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, when I 'its one, 'e don't</span>.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>The Golden Barrier</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) was an affair of +sovereigns, and the way of it was this. <i>Magdalen Tempest</i>, +the heroine, had been left by her late father the mistress +of many fine houses, and stacks and stacks of money. She +had inherited also a disagreeable but honest butler, an +aunt who was even more disagreeable but not honest, and +an agent who was—well, who was the hero of the book. +She had further gathered to herself a crowd of hangers-on +more or less artistic, and all given to requiring small +temporary loans. One of them, however, was a professed +social reformer, a bold bad man of doubtful extraction, who +was leagued with the aunt in a plan to marry <i>Magdalen</i> to +himself and secure control of the cash. So <i>Magdalen</i> gave +a Venetian Carnival in her great house, and it came on to +thunder, and she found herself alone in a gondola with the +painter (favourite hanger-on), who attempted, too vigorously, +to improve the shining hour, and it was all rather awkward, +when—romantically opportune arrival of the hero (name of +<i>Denvers</i>), who flung the painter into the lake, clasped the +heroine in his manly arms, married her and lived happy——No. +That is where you are too hasty. There remained +still the Golden Barrier. For, after an interlude of bliss, +back came the intriguing aunt, the social reformer and all +the crowd (save the submerged artist) and began to accuse +<i>Denvers</i> of living on his wife's cheque-book. How it ends +you must find out. If you object that there is very little +in all this to suggest the spirit of fine romance which you +have learnt to associate with the names of <span class="sc">Agnes</span> and +<span class="sc">Egerton Castle</span>, I can only say that (while my rough +synopsis does no justice to some pleasant characterization) +I myself greatly prefer these two writers in their earlier +and brocaded mood.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>It seems to me that Mr. <span class="sc">Francis Brett-Young</span> has done +quite a distinguished piece of work in <i>Deep Sea</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>). +I have not cared to miss a paragraph of it and have certainly +carried away an unusually vivid memory of that unnamed +West-country fishing-town which he has so cleverly peopled +with his creatures—with poor, simple, introspective <i>Jeffrey +Kenar</i>, fisherman that was, looking at life through the +oddly refracting medium of his window of old glass, and all +but seeing visions; comely, bitter <i>Nesta</i>, his wife; simple, +loyal <i>Reuben</i>, <i>Jeffrey's</i> friend, whose rejection of <i>Nesta +Kenar's</i> overmastering passion turns her love to hate; +<i>Reuben's</i> gentle wife, <i>Ruth</i>; and that sleek mortgagee, +<i>Silley</i>, for whom men like <i>Reuben</i> toil that he may grow fat, +nominally owning their vessels, actually in heavy bondage +to their shrewd exacting masters. There are dark and +deep waters of passion swirling in and out of these simple +lives, and the author, whose method is broadly impressionist +rather than meticulously realistic, contrives cleverly to +suggest that what he imagines has in fact been closely +observed. He can make and tell a story and he can +marshal words with a certain magic. The tragedy ends +peacefully with the resolution of the too bitter discord of +<i>Nesta's</i> hate in love of the child of the man she had wrongfully +and vainly desired. A book to be read.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span><p>Amongst the makers of what might be called, without in +this case any disparagement, the commercial short story, +I think I should place Mr. <span class="sc">P. G. Wodehouse</span> as easily my +favourite. The comfortable anticipation that is always +mine on observing his name on the contents page of a +popular magazine has been renewed by the sight of it +attached to a collection of tales in volume form and called, +after the first of them, <i>The Man Upstairs</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>). You +must not expect a detailed criticism. All I can promise +you is that, if you are a Wodehouseite, you will find here +the author at his delightful best. He is winged and doth +range. The heroes of these tales include (I quote from the +cover) "a barber, a gardener, a play-writer, a tramp, a +waiter, a golfer, a stockbroker, a butler, a bank clerk, an +assistant master at a private school, a Peer's son and a +Knight of the Round Table." So there you are; and, if +you don't see what you want in the window, you must be +hard to please. Personally, I fancy I would give my vote +for the play-writing stories. "<i>Experientia</i>," as <i>Mrs. +Micawber's</i> late father used to observe, "<i>does it</i>"; and here +I have the feeling that the +author is upon tried ground. +But not one of the collection +will bore you; there is about +them all too nice a deftness, +too happy a gift of phrase. +I am told by the publishers +that the American public +fully shares my approval of +this engaging craftsman. It +shows their sense. But, if +there is any threat of removing +Mr. <span class="sc">Wodehouse</span> permanently +to the other side of +the Atlantic, where already +he goes far too much, my +guinea shall head any public +subscription to retain him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%" src="images/160.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Punctilious Burglar.</i> "<span class="sc">Sorry to disturb you, Guv'nor, but +<i>would</i> you mind letting me have the thrippence for your +share of the insurance stamp? This is the first job I've +had this week.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>In an extremely able but +peculiarly unpleasant book, +<i>The Questing Beast</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>), +I think that Miss <span class="sc">Ivy Low</span> +makes two serious mistakes. +"Tell her," writes the heroine to a friend after the first of two +irregular love affairs, "that I thought, 'I am not that kind of +girl,' and tell her that there is no 'sort of girl,' and that life +is a sea and human beings must catch hold of life-buoys to +keep them afloat." To this it may be answered, however, +that there <i>is</i> "that kind of girl," and that <i>Rachel Cohen was</i> +"that kind of girl," and that it is a kind which deliberately +rejects life-buoys when flung out to them. The second +mistake, as it seems to me, in a novel which is in many +ways a very clever piece of realism, is a strong feminist or, +at any rate, anti-masculine bias. Against the cunning +dissection of the character of <i>Charles Giddey</i>, a worthless +and conceited egotist, I have no complaint to make. It is +one of the best things of its kind that I have read for +a long time. But it seems unlikely, to say the least, that +the heroine, after being deserted by the man she really +loves, should, considering her very erotic and unprincipled +temperament, find complete happiness in the publication +of a successful novel and in devotion to her child. I feel +that on a nature like that of <i>Rachel Cohen</i> even Royalties +and Press notices would eventually pall. And in pausing +I may remark that the beast <i>Glatisant</i> cuts a very episodic +and unsatisfactory figure in the <i>Morte D'Arthur</i>. Pursued +for a short while by <i>Sir Palamides</i> in his Paynim days, it +scarcely comes into the cognisance of <span class="sc">King Arthur's</span> +Court and the Table Round. And I fancy that the circulating +libraries will feel the same about "<i>The Questing +Beast</i>."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>I do not think that I can recall any novel that makes +such insistent demands upon the weather as does Miss <span class="sc">Joan +Sutherland's</span> <i>Cophetua's Son</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>). The +sun, the rain, the wind, the snow—these are from the first +page to the last at their intensest, wildest, brightest, most +furious, and as I closed the book and looked out upon a day +of monotonous drizzle I thanked Heaven for the English +climate. But I imagine that Miss <span class="sc">Sutherland</span> was aware +that nothing but the most vigorous of climatic conditions +would afford a true background for her hero's tempestuous +soul. <i>Lucien de Guise</i> was unfortunate enough to be the +son of a flower-girl, and I had no idea, until Miss +<span class="sc">Sutherland</span> made it plain to me, how terrible his friends +and the members of the smartest of London's clubs—"Will's, +a place of great historic interest and brilliant +reputation, developing gradually into one of the most exclusive +clubs in London, and +very strictly limited in numbers"—held +so ignominious +an origin. There is a scene +in Will's where <i>Colonel Maclean</i>, +"a handsome man and +a famous soldier," expels <i>M. +de Guise</i> "with a perceptible +degree of asperity" in his +voice—a scene that does the +greatest credit to Miss +<span class="sc">Sutherland's</span> imagination. +Indeed, I am afraid that Miss +<span class="sc">Sutherland's</span> ambition to +write a really dramatic story +has driven her into incredibilities +of atmosphere, of +incident, and of character. +<i>M. de Guise</i>, with his flashing, +gleaming eyes, his love +of liqueurs, his passion for +smashing the most priceless +of Nankin vases whenever +he sees them, is, surveyed +under these grey English skies, an unreal figure, and his +world, I am afraid, too brightly coloured to be convincing.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Ruler</span> wanted for Ireland (N.S.); good wages, permanency to +competent, reliable man.—Full particulars to Box 167, Daily News, +Manchester."—<i>Daily News.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Don't reply to it, Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span>. It is not in your line. +It is a printer's advertisement, merely.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"The accident caused great excitement in the neighbourhood. A +large crowd quickly gathered, and several medical men were hurried +to the sport."—<i>Manchester Guardian.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Those well-known surgeons, <i>Mr. Robert Sawyer</i> and <i>Mr. +Benjamin Allen</i>, enjoyed it most.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"A new French revue, entitled 'C'est Bon' (literally, 'It's Top-hole') +is to be produced on Monday week."—<i>Evening News.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Or, more roughly, "That's good."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>In a catalogue of characters assumed at a Mayoral Fancy +Dress Ball we are informed by <i>The Birmingham Daily Mail</i> +that Professor and Mrs. <span class="sc">Sonnenschein</span> figured as "Socrates +and Christian Thippe." Poor old pagan <span class="sc">Xanthippe</span>! +<span class="sc">Socrates</span> is well avenged.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, February 25, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 23760-h.htm or 23760-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/7/6/23760/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/23760-h/images/141.png b/23760-h/images/141.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a49d2f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/141.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/143.png b/23760-h/images/143.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5b2ecd2 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/143.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/145.png b/23760-h/images/145.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..69d505b --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/145.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/146.png b/23760-h/images/146.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5df0df --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/146.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/147.png b/23760-h/images/147.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f48a725 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/147.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/149.png b/23760-h/images/149.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8b663a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/149.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/150.png b/23760-h/images/150.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8af9a46 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/150.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/151.png b/23760-h/images/151.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f784e33 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/151.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/153.png b/23760-h/images/153.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b3a62c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/153.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/154.png b/23760-h/images/154.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..453d3d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/154.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/155.png b/23760-h/images/155.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..72b5e58 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/155.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/156-1.png b/23760-h/images/156-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..040f3d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/156-1.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/156-2.png b/23760-h/images/156-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8807b4e --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/156-2.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/157.png b/23760-h/images/157.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a820c20 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/157.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/159.png b/23760-h/images/159.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8637ba7 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/159.png diff --git a/23760-h/images/160.png b/23760-h/images/160.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9fb37c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/23760-h/images/160.png |
