diff options
Diffstat (limited to '23139-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 23139-8.txt | 13916 |
1 files changed, 13916 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/23139-8.txt b/23139-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..259abbc --- /dev/null +++ b/23139-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13916 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Olla Podrida, by Frederick Marryat (AKA Captain Marryat) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Olla Podrida + +Author: Frederick Marryat (AKA Captain Marryat) + +Release Date: October 21, 2007 [EBook #23139] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLLA PODRIDA *** + + + + +Produced by Nick Hodson of London, England + + + + +Olla Podrida, by Captain Marryat. + +________________________________________________________________________ +Captain Frederick Marryat was born July 10 1792, and died August 8 1848. +He retired from the British navy in 1828 in order to devote himself to +writing. In the following 20 years he wrote 26 books, many of which +are among the very best of English literature, and some of which are +still in print. + +Marryat had an extraordinary gift for the invention of episodes in his +stories. He says somewhere that when he sat down for the day's work, he +never knew what he was going to write. He certainly was a literary +genius. + +"Olla Podrida" was published in 1840, the fifteenth book to flow from +Marryat's pen. It consists of short stories, articles, his Diary on the +Continent, (as opposed to his Diary in America), short plays. Except +for "The Modern Town House" there is very little of great importance in +the book. + +________________________________________________________________________ +OLLA PODRIDA, BY CAPTAIN MARRYAT. + + + +CHAPTER ONE. + +April 3, 1835. + +Reader, did you ever feel in that peculiarly distressing state of mind +in which one oppressing idea displaces or colours every other, +absorbing, intermingling with, empoisoning, and, like the filth of the +harpy, turning every thing into disgust--when a certain incubus rides +upon the brain, as the Old Man of the Mountain did upon the shoulders of +Sinbad, burdening, irritating, and rendering existence a misery--when, +looking around, you see but one object perched everywhere and grinning +at you--when even what you put into your mouth tastes of but that one +something, and the fancied taste is so unpleasant as almost to prevent +deglutition--when every sound which vibrates in your ear appears to +strike the same discordant note, and all and every thing will remind you +of the one only thing which you would fain forget;--have you ever felt +any thing like this, reader? If you have not, then thank God, by way of +grace, before you out with your knife and fork and begin to cut up the +contents of these pages. + +I have been and am now suffering under one of these varieties of +"Phobias," and my disease is a Politicophobia, I will describe the +symptoms. + +I am now in the metropolis of England, and when I walk out every common +house appears to me to be the House of Commons--every lordly mansion the +House of Lords--every man I meet, instead of being a member of society, +is transferred by imagination into a member of the senate--every +chimney-sweep into a bishop, and a Bavarian girl, with her "Py a proom," +into an ex-chancellor. If I return home, the ring at the bell reminds +me of a Peel--as I mount the stairs I think of the "Lobby"--I throw +myself on the sofa, and the cushion is transformed into a woolsack--if a +solitary visitor calls in, I imagine a public meeting, and call out +chair! chair!--and I as often address my wife as Mr Speaker, as I do +with the usual appellative of "my dear." + +This incubus, like the Catholic anathema, pursues me everywhere--at +breakfast, the dry toast reminds me of the toasts at public dinners-- +tea, of the East India charter--sugar, of the West India question--the +loaf, of agricultural distress--and, as every one knows that London eggs +are a lottery, according as they prove bad or good, so am I reminded of +a Whig or Tory measure. When the newspaper is brought in, I walk round +and round it as a dog will do round the spot he is about to lie down +upon. I would fain not touch it; but at last, like a fascinated bird +who falls per force into the reptile's mouth, so do I plunge into its +columns, read it with desperation, and when the poison has circulated, +throw it away in despair. If I am reminded to say grace at dinner, I +commence "My Lords, and gentlemen;" and when I seek my bed, as I light +my taper, I move "that the House do now adjourn." The tradesmen's bills +are swelled by my disease into the budget, and the checks upon my banker +into supplies. Even my children laugh and wonder at the answers which +they receive. Yesterday one brought me her book of animals, and +pointing to a boa constrictor, asked its name, and I told her it was an +_O'Connell_. I am told that I mentioned the names of half the members +of the Upper and Lower House, and at the time really believed that I was +calling the beasts by their right names. Such are the effects of my +unfortunate disease. + +Abroad I feel it even worse than at home. Society is unhinged, and +every one is afraid to offer an opinion. If I dine out, I find that no +one will speak first--he knows not whether he accosts a friend or foe, +or whether he may not be pledging his bitter enemy. Every man looks at +his neighbour's countenance to discover if he is Whig or Tory: they +appear to be examining one another like the dogs who meet in the street, +and it is impossible to conjecture whether the mutual scenting will be +followed up by a growl or a wag of the tail; however, one remark will +soon discover the political sentiments of the whole party. Should they +all agree, they are so busy in abuse that they rail at their adversaries +with their mouths full--should they disagree, they dispute so vehemently +that they forget that they were invited to dinner, and the dishes are +removed untasted, and the duties of the Amphytryon become a sinecure. +Go to an evening party or a ball and it is even worse, for young ladies +talk politics, prefer discussion to flirtation, and will rather win a +partner over to their political opinions than by their personal charms. +If you, as a Tory, happen to stand up in a cotillion with a pretty Whig, +she taps you with her fan that she may tap your politics; if you agree, +it is "_En avant deux_," if not, a "_chassez croisee_." Every thing +goes wrong--she may _set_ to you indeed, but hers is the set of +defiance, and she shakes her _wig_ against your _Tory_. To _turn your +partner_ is impossible, and the only part of the figure which is +executed _con amore_ is _dos a dos_. The dance is over, and the lady's +looks at once tell you that you may save your "oaths," while she "takes +her seat." + +I have tried change of scene--posted to watering places; but the deep, +deep sea will not drown politics. Even the ocean in its roaring and +commotion reminded me of a political union. + +I have buried myself in the country, but it has been all in vain. I +cannot look at the cattle peacefully grazing without thinking of +O'Connell's tail, Stanley's tail, and a short-docked pony reminded me of +the boasted little tail of Colonel Peel. The farm-yard, with its noisy +occupants, what was it but the reality so well imitated by the members +of the Lower House, who would drown argument in discord? I thought I +was in the lobby at the close of a long debate. Every tenth field, +every tenth furrow, (and I could not help counting,) every tenth animal, +and every tenth step, reminded me of the Irish tithes; and when I saw a +hawk swoop over a chicken, I thought of the Appropriation Bill--so I +left the country. + +I have tried every thing--I have been every where, but in vain. In the +country there was no relaxation--in society no pleasure--at home no +relief. England was disjointed, never to be united until it was +dismembered--and there was no repose. I had my choice, either to go +abroad, or to go mad; and, upon mature deliberation, I decided upon the +former, as the lesser evil of the two. So I gave--I sold--I +discharged--I paid--I packed up, and I planned. The last was the only +portion of my multifarious duties not satisfactorily arranged. I looked +at the maps, plied my compasses that I might compass my wishes, measured +distances that I might decide upon my measures--planned, looked over the +maps--and planned again. + + + +CHAPTER TWO. + +Well, as I said in my last chapter, I planned--and planned--but I might +as well conjugate it, as many others assisted--it was I planned, thou +plannedst, he planned, we planned, ye planned, and they planned--and +what annoyed me was, that I could not help considering that "the whole +house was in a committee," and without being able "to report progress." +At first it was _decided upon_ that we should proceed up the Rhine, and +not leave off paddling until we had arrived at Manheim, at which town I +fancied that I should at least be out of political distance. We read +all about Manheim, found out that it was a regular-built town, with a +certain number of inhabitants--with promenades, gardens, and a fine view +of the Rhine. "So you're going abroad--where?" Manheim, was the reply, +and all the world knew that we were bound to Manheim; and every one had +something to say, or something that they had heard said, about Manheim. +"Very nice place--Duchess Dowager Stephanie--very cheap--gay in winter-- +masters excellent"--were the variety of changes rung, and all was +settled; but at last one unlucky observation raised a doubt--another +increased--a third confirmed it. "A very dull place--German cookery bad +for children--steam-boats from Rotterdam very bad, and often obliged to +pass two nights on deck." A very influential member of the committee +took alarm about the children being two nights on deck, and it was at +last decided that to go up to Manheim by steam-boat at 4 pounds, 9 +shillings a-head, and children at half-price was not to be thought of. + +"I wonder you don't go to Bruges," observed a committee man; "nice quiet +place--excellent masters--every thing so cheap--I once bought eighty +large peaches there for two francs." + +And all the children clapped their little hands, and cried out for +Bruges and cheap peaches. + +It was further submitted that it was convenient--you might go the whole +of the way by water--and Bruges was immediately under consideration. + +"If you go to Bruges, you will find it very dull," observed another; +"but you'll meet Mrs Trollope there--now Brussels is very little +farther, and is a delightful place;" and Brussels was also referred to +the committee. + +"You won't like Brussels--there is such a mixture, and house-rent is +dear. Now I should recommend Spa for the summer--it is a most beautiful +spot--and excellent company." And Spa was added to the list. + +Then after a day or two came an Anti-Teutonic, who railed against +Germany--and Germans--German towns, German travelling, and German +_French_, which was detestable--German cookery, which was nothing but +grease. "You may imagine," said he, "and so have many more, that +Germany is more pleasant and less expensive than France; but they have +been disappointed, and so will you be. Now, for a quiet place, I should +recommend Saint Omer--only thirty miles from Calais--so convenient--and +very pretty." + +Saint Omer--humph--very quiet and retired--and no politics--and Saint +Omer was occasionally canvassed. + +"Saint Omer!" said another who called the next day, "you'll die of +ennui. Go to Boulogne--it is delightful--you may be there as retired or +as gay as you please." + +Boulogne to be taken into consideration many inquiries made and all very +satisfactory--good sands and excellent jackasses for the children. + +"My dear friend, Boulogne is something like the King's Bench--at least +most of the people only go there in preference. Every body will suppose +that you've _levanted_. Pray don't go to Boulogne." + +"Why don't you go by Southampton to Havre--there you'll have quiet and +amusement--beautiful country about Honfleur--scenery up the Seine +splendid; and then you can go up to Rouen by water, if you intend to go +on to Paris." + +Havre and Honfleur submitted to the committee. + +But then came Dieppe, and Brest, and the environs of Paris, Versailles, +Saint Germain, Passy, and other recommendations, in which every one +particular place was proved incontestably to be more particularly suited +to us than any other, and the committee sat for three weeks, at the end +of which, upon examining the matured opinions of the last seven days, I +found them to have fluctuated as follows:-- + +Monday morning, Manheim. Evening, Spa. + +Tuesday morning, Bruges. Evening Brussels. + +Wednesday morning, Saint Omer. Evening, Boulogne. + +Thursday morning, Havre. Evening Honfleur. + +Friday morning, Dieppe. Evening, Passy. + +Saturday morning, Versailles. Evening, Saint Germain. + +Sunday morning, Spa. Evening, Brussels. + +The fact was, that there was a trifling difference of opinion in the +committee--the great object appeared to be, and the great difficulty at +the same time, to find a place which would suit all parties, that is to +say, a place where there were no politics, plenty of gaiety, and cheap +peaches. + + + +CHAPTER THREE. + +Paddle, paddle--splash, splash--bump, thump, bump. What a leveller is +sea-sickness--almost as great a radical as death. All grades, all +respect, all consideration are lost. The master may summon John to his +assistance, but John will see his master hanged before he'll go to him; +he has taken possession of his master's great coat, and he intends to +keep _it--he_ don't care for warning. + +The nurses no longer look after the infant or the children, they may +tumble overboard--even the fond yearnings of the mother at last yield to +the overwhelming sensation, and it it were not for the mercenary or +kind-hearted assistance of those who have become habituated to the +motion of a vessel, there is no saying how tragical might be the +commencement of many a party of pleasure to the Continent. + +"O lauk, Mary, do just hold this child," says the upper nurse to her +assistant; "I do feel such a _sinking_ in my stomach." + +"Carn't indeed, nurse, I've such a _rising_." + +Away hurried both the women at once to the side of the vessel, leaning +over and groaning heavily. As for the children, they would soon have +been past caring for, had it not been for my protecting arms. + +Decorum and modesty, next to maternal tenderness, the strongest feelings +in woman, fall before the dire prostratiou of this malady. A young lady +will recline unwittingly in the arms of a perfect stranger, and the +bride of three months, deserted by her husband, will offer no resistance +to the uncouth seaman, who, in his kindness, would loosen the laces that +confine her heaving bosom. + +As for politeness, even the _ancien regime_ of the noblesse of France +put it in their pockets as if there were a general chaos--self is the +only feeling; not but that I have seen occasional traits of good-will +towards others. I once witnessed a young lady smelling to a bottle of +Eau de Cologne, as if her existence depended upon it, who handed it over +to another, whose state was even more pitiable, and I was reminded of +Sir Philip Sidney and the cup of water, as he lay wounded on the field +of battle, "Thy necessity is greater than mine." And if I might have +judged from her trembling lips and pallid countenance, it was almost an +equal act of heroism. Paddle, paddle, splash, splash, bump, thump, +bump--one would really imagine that the passengers were so many pumps, +all worked at once with the vessel by the same hundred horse power, for +there were an hundred of them about me, each as sick as a horse. "_Sic +omnes_," thought I. + +I have long passed the ordeal, and even steam, and smoke, and washing +basins, and all the various discordant and revolting noises _from those_ +who suffer, have no effect upon my nervous system--still was I doomed to +torment, and was very sick indeed. For some time I had been watched by +the evil eyes of one, whom the Yankees would designate, as _almighty +ugly_. He was a thin, spare man, whose accost I could well have spared, +for he had the look of a demon, and, as I soon found, was possessed with +the demon of politics. Imagine what I must have suffered when I found +out that he was a button-holder to boot. Observing that I was the only +one who was in a state to listen, he seized upon me as his victim. I, +who had fled from politics with as much horror as others have done from +the cholera--I, who had encountered all the miseries of steam +navigation, and all the steam and effluvia of close cabins, to find +myself condemned with others "alike to groan--" what with King Leopold, +and William of Nassau, and the Belgian share of the debt, and the French +and Antwerp, and his pertinacious holding of my button. "Shall I knock +him down," thought I; "he insists upon laying his hands upon me, why +should I not lay my hands upon him?" But on second consideration, that +would not have been polite; so I made other attempts to get rid of him, +but in vain; I turned the subject to far countries--the rascal had been +everywhere; at one moment he would be at Vienna, and discuss the German +confederation--at another in South America, canvassing the merits of +Bolivar and Saint Martin. There was no stopping him; his tongue was +like the paddle of a steam-boat, and almost threw as much spray in my +face. At last I threw off my coat, which he continued to hold in his +hand by the third button, and threw myself into one of the cribs +appropriated to passengers, wishing him a good night. He put my coat +down in the crib beneath, and as he could no longer hold the button, he +laid hold of the side of the crib, and continued his incessant clack. +At last I turned my back to him, and made no answer, upon which he made +a retreat, and when I awoke the next morning, I found that he was too +ill to spout politics, although as he progressed, he spouted what was +quite as bad. + +Par parenthese, he was a great liar, and as he drew a long bow when he +was able to talk, so did he prove a long shot when he was sea-sick. +Confound the fellow, I think I see him now--there he stood, a tall, +gaunt misery, about the height of a workhouse pump, and the basin was on +the floor of the cabin, nearly three feet from his two feet; without +condescending to stoop, or to sit down, or to lift up the basin, so as +to lessen the distance, he poured forth a parabola, "quod nunc +describere" had just as well be omitted. I shall therefore dismiss this +persecuting demon, by stating, that he called himself a baron, the truth +of which I doubted much; that he was employed by crowned heads, which I +doubted still more. On one point, however, I had little doubt, although +he did not enter upon the subject, (and his tongue to a great degree +confirmed it) that he was a _chevalier d'industrie_. + +"I am rid of him, thank God," exclaimed I, as I went on deck to breathe +a little fresh air, having lighted my cigar in the steward's berth as I +ascended. The first objects which attracted my attention, were a young +gentleman and lady, the former standing by the latter, who was sitting +in a pensive position, with her elbow leaning on the gunnel. She was in +deep mourning, and closely veiled. + +"And how does the beautiful Maria find herself this morning?" said the +young gentleman, leaning over her with his hand on the rail to support +himself. + +The beautiful Maria! How was it possible not to be attracted by such a +distinguishing appellation? The beautiful Maria! I thought of Sterne's +Maria, and the little dog with a string, and I trimmed my ear like a +windsail in the tropics to catch the soft responding, and most +assuredly, to my expectant imagination, melodious vibration of the air +which would succeed. + +At last there was a reply. "Oh! _tol, lol_!" And that in anything but +a melodious voice. "Oh! tol, lol!" What a bathos! The beautiful +Maria, whom in my imagination I had clothed with all the attributes of +sentiment and delicacy, whom I had conjured up as a beau ideal of +perfection, replies in a hoarse voice with, "Oh! tol, lol!" Down she +went, like the English funds in a panic--down she went to the zero of a +Doll Tearsheet, and down I went again into the cabin. Surely this is a +world of disappointment. + +Perhaps I was wrong--she might have been very beautiful, with the voice +of a peacock; she might also have the plumage--but no, that is +impossible--she must, from her sex, have been a peahen. At all events, +if not very beautiful, she was very sick. I left the beautiful Maria +screeching over the gunnel. If the young gentleman were to repeat the +same question now, thought I, the beautiful Maria will hardly answer, +"_Oh! tol, lol_!" + +It was very cold on deck, blowing fresh from the East. I never heard +any one give a satisfactory reason why a west wind should be warm, and +an east wind cold in latitude 50 degrees N. It is not so in the tropics +when the east wind follows the rarefaction occasioned by the sun. Yet, +does not Byron say:-- + + "'Tis the land of the east, 'tis the clime of the sun." + +Certainly our east winds are not at all poetical. + +"Very cold, sir," said I, addressing a round-faced gentleman in a white +great coat, who rested his chin and his two hands upon a thick cane. +"You are fortunate in not being sea-sick." + +"I beg your pardon, I am not fortunate. I am worse than sea-sick, for I +want to be sea-sick and I can't. I do believe that everything is +changed now-a-days, since that confounded Reform Bill!" + +Politics again, thought I; what the devil has sea-sickness to do with +the Reform Bill? Mercy on me, when shall I be at peace? "There +certainly has been some change," observed I. + +"Change, sir! yes, everything changed. England of 1835 is no more like +merry England of olden time, than I am like Louis the Fourteenth-- +ruined, sir--every class suffering, sir--badly ruled, sir." + +"Things are much cheaper." + +"Much cheaper! Yes, sir; but what's the good of things being cheap when +nobody has any money to purchase with? They might just as well be dear. +It's a melancholy discovery, sir, this steam." + +"Melancholy just now to those who are on board, and suffering, I grant." + +"Pooh, nonsense! melancholy to those on shore, sir; the engines work +while man looks on and starves. Country ruined, sir--people miserable-- +thrown out of employment, while foreigners reap the benefit; we sell +them our manufactures at a cheaper rate; we clothe them well, sir, at +the expense of our own suffering population. But is this all, sir? +_Oh, no_!" + +And here the gentleman dropped his chin again upon his hands, and looked +very woeful indeed. After a few seconds, he resumed. + +"We are dismembered, sir--ruined by faction. Society is disintegrated +by political animosities; thousands have retreated from the scene of +violence and excitement, to find peace and repose in a foreign land." + +I nodded an assent. + +"Ay, sir, and thousands will follow, withdrawing from the country its +resources, circulating millions which enrich other nations, and avoiding +their own share of the national burdens, which fall still heavier upon +those who remain. But is that all, sir? _Oh, no_!" + +This second "oh, no!" was pronounced in a more lugubrious note: he shook +his head, and after a pause, he recommenced. "England is no longer +priest-ridden, sir; but she is worse, she is _law-ridden_. Litigation +and law expenses have, like locusts, devoured up the produce of +industry. No man is safe without a lawyer at his elbow, making over to +him a part of his annual income to secure the remainder. And then +there's Brougham. But, sir, is that all? _Oh, no_!" + +Another pause, and he continued. "I never grumble--I hate grumblers; I +never talk of politics--I hate politics; but, sir, is it not the case, +that madmen and fools have united to ruin the country? Is it not true, +sir, that unable to rise by their talents, and urged by a wicked +ambition, they have summoned main force, and the power of numbers to +their assistance, and have raised a spirit which they cannot put down +again? Is it not true, sir, that treason walks barefaced through the +land, pointing to general destruction--to a violation of all rights, to +anarchy, confusion, and the shedding of blood? is not reason borne down +by faction, sir? but, sir, is that all? _Oh, no_!" + +This last "oh, no!" was more melancholy than the preceding, but I +considered that my companion must have nearly exhausted his budget of +miseries, and was curious to ascertain what would come next. + +"What, is there more, sir?" inquired I, innocently. + +"More, sir. Yes, sir, plenty more. I ask you whether even the seasons +have not changed in our unhappy country; have we not summer with +unusual, unexampled heat, and winters without cold; when shall we ever +see the mercury down below sixty degrees again? never, sir. What is +summer but a season of alarm and dread? Does not the cholera come in as +regularly as green peas--terrifying us to death, whether we die of it or +not? Of what advantage are the fruits of the earth so bountifully +bestowed--have they not all been converted into poisons? Who dares to +drink a light summer wine now? Are not all vegetables abjured, peaches +thrown to the pigs, and strawberries ventured upon only by little boys +who sweep the streets, with the broom in one hand and the pottle in the +other? Are not melons rank poison, and cucumbers sudden death? And in +the winter, sir, are we better off? Instead of the wholesome frosts of +olden days, purifying the air and the soil, and bracing up our nerves, +what have we but the influenza, which lasts us for four months, and the +spasmodic cough which fills up the remainder of the year? I am no +grumbler, sir, I hate and abhor anything like complaining, but this I +will say, that the world has been turned upside down--that everything +has gone wrong--that peace has come to us unattended by plenty--that +every body is miserable; and that vaccination and steam, which have been +lauded as blessings, have proved the greatest of all possible curses, +and that there is no chance of a return to our former prosperity, unless +we can set fire to our coal mines, and re-introduce the small-pox. But, +sir, the will of Heaven be done, I shall say no more; I don't wish to +make other people unhappy; but pray don't think, sir, I've told you all. +_Oh, no_!" + +At this last "oh, no!" my companion laid his face down upon his +knuckles, and was silent. I once more sought the deck, and preferred to +encounter the east wind. "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind, thou art not so +unkind," soliloquised I, as I looked over the bows, and perceived that +we were close to the pile entrance of the harbour of Ostend. Ten +minutes afterwards there was a cessation of paddle, paddle, thump, +thump, the stern-fast was thrown on the quay, there was a rush on board +of commissionnaires, with their reiterated cries accompanied with cards +thrust into your hands, "Hotel des Bains, Monsieur." "Hotel Waterloo, +Monsieur." "Hotel Bellevue." "Hotel Bedford, Monsieur." "Hotel +d'Angleterre," _ad infinitum_--and then there was the pouring out of the +Noah's Ark, with their countenances wearing a most paradoxical +appearance, for they evidently showed that they had had, quite enough of +water, and, at the same time, that they required a great deal more. I +looked at my children, as they were hoisted up from the ladies' cabin, +one after another; and upon examination I decided that, with their +smudged faces, the Hotel des _Bains_ would be the most appropriate to +their condition; so there we went. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR. + +Ostend, April 18, 1835. + +I was confoundedly taken in by a rascal of a commissionnaire, and aware +how the feelings of travellers are affected by the weather or the +treatment they receive at any place they may pass through, I shall +display the heroism of saying nothing about the place, except that I +believe Ostend to be the most rascally hole in the world, and the sooner +the traveller is out of it so much the better will it be for his purse +and for his temper. + +April 19. + +It has been assumed as an axiom that every one in this world is fond of +power. During our passage in the track-schuyt I had an evidence to the +contrary, for as we glided noiselessly and almost imperceptibly along, a +lady told me that she infinitely preferred the three-horse power of the +schuyt to the hundred-horse power of the steam-packet. We arrived at +Bruges, escaping all the horrors and difficulties of steam navigation. + +House rent at Bruges is cheap, because one half of the houses are +empty--at least that was the cause assigned to me, although I will not +vouch for its being the true one. The reader may remember that this was +the site of cheap peaches, but none met our sight, the trees not being +yet in blossom. I ought to observe, for the satisfaction of the Foreign +Bible Society, that at the hotel at Bruges I saw a book of their +exportation lying on the chimney-piece in excellent preservation. + +April 21. + +As to what passed on our canal voyage to Ghent, I can only say that +every thing passed us--for the roads were very heavy, the horses very +lazy, and the boys still lazier--they rode their horses listlessly, +sitting on them sideways, as I have seen lads in the country swinging on +a gate--whereby the _gait_ of the track-schuyt could not be styled a +swinging pace. We did arrive at last, and thus ended our water +carriage. At Ghent we went to the Hotel Royal, from out of the windows +of which I had a fine view of the belfry, surmounted by the Brazen +Dragon brought from Constantinople; and as I conjured up times past, and +I thought how the belfry was built and how the dragon got there, I found +myself at last wandering in the Apocrypha of "Bel and the Dragon." + +We went to see the picture by Van Eck, in the cathedral of Saint Bovin. +The reader will probably wish to know who was Saint Bovin--so did I--and +I asked the question of the sacristan: the reader shall have the benefit +of the answer, "Saint Bovin, monsieur, il etait un _saint_." + +That picture of Van Eck's is worth a van full of most of the pictures we +see: it was Van Eck who invented, and was indeed the father of painting +in oil. It is a wonderful production. + +Mrs Trollope says that people run through Belgium as if it were a mere +railroad to other countries. That is very true--we did the same--for +who would stop at Ostend to be swindled, or at Bruges to look at empty +houses, or at Ghent, which is nothing but a Flanders Birmingham, when +Brussels and King Leopold, and the anticipation of something more +agreeable, were only thirty miles off. Not one day was our departure +postponed; with post-horses and postilions we posted post haste to +Brussels. + + + +CHAPTER FIVE. + +April 22. + +The Queen of Belgium "a fait un enfant." On the Continent it is always +the wife who is considered as the faiseuse; the husband is supposed, and +very often with justice to have had nothing to do in the matter--it +certainly does appear to be optional on the part of the ladies, for they +limit their family to their exact wishes or means of support. How +different is it in England, where children will be born whether it is +convenient or not! O Miss Martineau! you may talk about the "preventive +check," but where is it? In England it would be as valuable as the +philosopher's stone. + +I think that the good people of Paris would do well, as they appear just +now to have left religion in abeyance, to take up the manners and +customs of the empire of the Nahirs, a Mahratta nation, which I once +read about. In that country, as in heaven, there is no marrying, nor +giving in marriage. All are free, and all inheritance is through the +children of the sister; for although it is impossible to know who may be +the father of any of the children, they are very certain that the +sister's children must have the blood on the maternal side. What a good +arrangement this would be for the Parisians--how many _peches a mortels_ +would they get rid of--such as adultery, fornication, etcetera,--by +passing one simple law of the land. By-the-by, what an admirable idea +for reforming a nation--they say that laws, now-a-days, are made to +prevent crime: but if laws were enacted by which crime should no longer +be considered as crime, what a deal of trouble might be saved. + +The theatre is closed owing to the want of funds; the want of funds is +owing to the want of honesty on the part of the manager having run away +with the strong box, which was decidedly the very best box in the +theatre. + +April 26. + +I went to see a species of Franconi, or Astley's: there is little +variety in these performances, as there are only a certain quantity of +feats, which can be performed either by the horses or the riders, +nevertheless we had some novelty. We had the very best feminine rider I +ever saw; she was a perfect female Centaur, looking part and parcel of +the animal upon which she stood; and then we had a regularly Dutch-built +lady, who amused us with a tumble off her horse, coming down on the +loose saw-dust, in a sitting posture, and making a hole in it as large +as if a covey of partridges had been husking in it for the whole day. +An American black (there always is a black fellow in these companies, +for, as Cooper says, they learn to ride well in America by stealing +their masters' horses) rode furiously well and sprained his ankle--the +attempt of a man in extreme pain to smile is very horrible--yet he did +grin as he bowed and limped away. After that we had a performer, who +had little chance of spraining her ankle: it was a Miss Betsey, a female +of good proportions, who was, however, not a little sulky that evening, +and very often refused to perform her task, and as for forcing the +combined will of a female and an elephant to boot, there was no man rash +enough to attempt it, so she did as little as she pleased, and it +pleased her to do very little; one feat, however, was novel, she took a +musket in her mouth, and fired it off with her trunk. + +When I was in India I was very partial to these animals; there was a +most splendid elephant, which had been captured by the expedition sent +to Martaban; he stood four or five feet higher than elephants usually +do, and was a great favourite of his master, the rajah. When this +animal was captured there was great difficulty in getting him on board +of the transport. A raft was made, and he was very unwillingly +persuaded to trust his huge carcass upon it; he was then towed off with +about thirty of the natives on the raft, attending him; the largest +purchases and blocks were procured to hoist him in, the mainyards doubly +secured, and the fall brought to the capstern. The elephant had been +properly slung, the capstern was manned, and his huge bulk was lifted in +the air, but he had not risen a foot before the ropes gave way, and down +he came again on the raft with a heavy surge, a novelty which he did not +appear to approve of. A new fall was rove, and they again manned the +capstern; this time the tackle held, and up went the gentleman in the +air; but he had not forgotten the previous accident, and upon what +ground it is impossible to say, he ascribed his treatment to the +natives, who were assisting him on the raft. As he slowly mounted in +the air, he looked about him very wroth, his eyes and his trunk being +the only portions of his frame at liberty. These he turned about in +every direction as he ascended--at last, as he passed by the main +channels, he perceived the half of a maintop-sail yard, which had been +carried away in the slings, lying on the goose-necks; it was a weapon +that suited him admirably; he seized hold of it, and whirling it once +round with his trunk, directed the piece of wood with such good aim, +that he swept about twenty of the natives off the raft, to take their +chance with a strong tide and plenty of alligators. It was the +self-possession of the animal which I admired so much, swinging in the +air in so unusual a position for an elephant, he was as collected as if +he had been roaming in his own wild forests. He arrived and was +disembarked at Rangoon, and it was an amusement to me, whenever I could +find time to watch this animal, and two others much smaller in size who +were with him; but he was my particular pet. Perhaps the reader will +like to have the diary of an elephant when not on active service. At +what time animals get up who never lie down without being ordered, it is +not very easy to say. The elephants are stalled at the foot of some +large tree, which shelters them during the day from the extreme heat of +the sun; they stand under this tree, to which they are chained by their +hind legs. Early in the morning the keeper makes his appearance from +his hovel, and throws the respective keys down to the elephants, who +immediately unlock the padlocks of the chains, cast themselves loose, +and in the politest manner return the keys to the keeper; they then +march off with him to the nearest forest, and on their arrival commence +breaking down the branches of the trees, selecting those which are most +agreeable to their palates, and arranging them in two enormous faggots. +When they have collected as much as they think they require, they make +withies and bind up their two faggots, and then twist another to connect +the two, so as to hang them over their backs down on each side, and +having thus made their provision, they return home; the keeper may or +may not be present during this performance. All depends upon whether +the elephants are well trained, and have been long in servitude. Upon +their return, the elephants pass the chains again round their legs, lock +the padlock, and present the key as before; they then amuse themselves +with their repast, eating all the leaves and tender shoots, and +rejecting the others. Now when an elephant has had enough to eat, he +generally selects a long bough, and pulling off all the lateral +branches, leaves a bush at the end forming a sort of whisk to keep off +the flies and mosquitoes; for although the hide of the elephant is very +thick, still it is broken into crannies and cracks, into which the +vermin insert themselves. Sometimes they have the following ingenious +method of defending themselves against these tormentors--they put the +end of their trunk down in the dust, draw up as large a quantity as they +can, and turning their trunks over their heads, pour it out over their +skin, powdering and filling up the interstices, after which they take +the long branch I have before mentioned, and amuse themselves by +flapping it right and left, and in all directions about their bodies, +wherever the insects may settle. + +And now for an instance of self-denial, which I have often witnessed on +the part of my friend the large elephant. I have observed him very +busy, flapping right and flapping left, evidently much annoyed by the +persecution of the mosquitoes; by-the-by, no one can have an idea how +hard the tiger-mosquito can bite. I will, however, give an instance of +it, for the truth of which I cannot positively vouch; but I remember +that once, when it rained torrents, and we were on a boating expedition, +a marine who, to keep his charge dry, had his fore-finger inserted in +the barrel of his musket, pulled it out in a great hurry, exclaiming to +his comrade, "May I be shot, Bill, if one of them beggars ha'n't bit me +right through the barrel of my musket." This _par parenthese_, and now +to proceed. As I said before, the elephant showed, by constant +flagellation of his person, that he was much annoyed by his persecutors, +and just at that time, the keeper brought a little naked black thing, as +round as a ball, which in India I believe they call a child, laid it +down before the animal with two words in Hindostanee--"_Watch it_!" and +then walked away into the town. The elephant immediately broke off the +larger part of the bough, so as to make a smaller and more convenient +whisk, and directed his whole attention to the child, gently fanning the +little lump of Indian ink, and driving away every mosquito which came +near it; this he continued for upwards of two hours regardless of +himself, until the keeper returned. It was really a beautiful sight, +and causing much reflection. Here was a monster, whose bulk exceeded +that of the infant by at least two thousand times, acknowledging that +the image of his Maker, even in its lowest degree of perfection, was +divine; silently proving the truth of the sacred announcement, that God +had "given to man dominion over the beasts of the field." And here, +too, was a brute animal setting an example of devotion and self-denial, +which but few Christians, none indeed but a mother, could have +practised. Would Fowell Buxton, surrounded by a host of mosquitoes, +have done as much for a fellow-creature, white or black? not he; he +would have flapped his own thighs, his own ears, his own face, and his +own every thing, and have left his neighbours to take care of +themselves; nor would I blame him. + +As I am on the subject, I may as well inform my readers how and in which +way this elephant and I parted company, for it was equally +characteristic of the animal. The army was ordered to march, and the +elephants were called into requisition to carry the tents. The +quarter-master general, the man with four eyes, as the natives called +him, because he wore spectacles, superintended the loading of the +animals--tent upon tent was heaped upon my friend, who said nothing, +till at last he found that they were overdoing the thing, and then he +roared out his complaints, which the keeper explained; but there was +still one more tent to be carried, and, therefore, as one more or less +could make no difference, it was ordered to be put upon his back. The +elephant said no more, but he turned sulky. Enough was as good as a +feast with him, and he considered this treatment as no joke. Now it so +happened that at the time the main street, and the only street of the +town, which was at least half a mile long, was crowded to suffocation +with tattoos, or little ponies, and small oxen, every one of them loaded +with a couple of cases of claret, or brandy, or something else, slung on +each side of them, attended by coolies, who, with their hooting, and +pushing, and beating, and screaming, created a very bustling and lively +scene. When the last tent was put on the elephant he was like a +mountain with canvass on each side of him, bulging out to a width equal +to his own; there was just room for him to pass through the two rows of +houses on each side of the street, and not ten inches to spare; he was +ordered by the keeper to go on--he obeyed the order certainly, but in +what way--he threw his trunk up in the air, screamed a loud shriek of +indignation, and set off at a trot, which was about equal in speed to a +horse's gallop, right down the street, mowing down before him every +pony, bullock, and coolie that barred his passage; the confusion was +indescribable, all the little animals were with their legs in the air, +claret and brandy poured in rivulets down the streets, coolies screamed +as they threw themselves into the doors and windows; and at one fell +swoop the angry gentle man demolished the major part of the comforts of +the officers, who were little aware how much they were to sacrifice for +the sake of an extra tent. With my eyes I followed my friend in his +reckless career, until he was enveloped and hid from my view in a cloud +of dust, and that was my farewell of him. I turned round, and observed +close to me the quarter-master general, looking with all his _four eyes_ +at the effects of his inhumanity. But I have wandered some twenty +thousand miles from Brussels, and must return. + + + +CHAPTER SIX. + + Brussels, May 5. +His Belgian Majesty, the Belgian ministers, Belgian ambassadors, Belgian +authorities, and all the Belgian nobility and gentry, all the English +who reside in Brussels for economy and quiet, and all the exiles and +propaganda who reside here to kick up a row, have all left Brussels by +the Porte d'Anvers. And all the Belgians who live at Brussels have shut +up their shops, and gone out by the Porte d'Anvers. And the whole +populace, men, women, and children, have gone out of the Porte d'Anvers. +And all the infants have also gone, because the mothers could not leave +them at home. And the generals, and their staffs, and the officers, and +all the troops, and all the artillery, have also left Brussels, and gone +out at the Porte d'Anvers, to keep the said populace quiet and in good +order. So that there is no one left at Brussels, and Brussels must for +one day take care of itself. + +And now you of course wish to know why they have all left Brussels, and +further, why they have gone through the Porte d'Anvers. + +Because there is this day the commemoration of the inauguration of the +_Chemin de Fer_, which has just been completed from Brussels to Malines, +and which is on this day to be opened, that is to say, that three steam +tugs, whose names are the Stephenson, the Arrow, and the Elephant, are +to drag to Malines and back again in the presence of his majesty, all +his majesty's ministers, all the ambassadors who choose to go, all the +heads of the departments, and every body else who can produce a +satisfactory yellow ticket, which will warrant their getting into one of +the thirty-three omnibuses, diligences, or cars, which are attached to +the said three steam-tugs, the Arrow, the Stephenson, and the Elephant. +I shall go and see it--I will not remain at Brussels by myself, the +"last man." + + May 6. +It was a brilliant affair, and went off well, because the trains went on +well. We were tugged through twelve miles of the most fertile pasture +in the universe, the whole line of road so crowded with spectators, as +to make evident the extreme populousness of the country. For the first +mile it was one mass of people--and a Belgian crowd has a very agreeable +effect, from the prevailing colours being blue and white, which are very +refreshing, and contrast pleasantly with the green background. Every +man had his blouse, and every woman her cap and straw bonnet; but if the +Belgians look well _en masse_, I cannot say that they do so in detail: +the men we do not expect much from, but the women are certainly the +plainest race in the whole world--I will not except the Africans. In +some of our men-of-war it was formerly the custom to have an old knife, +which was passed from one to the other, as the men joined the ship, +being handed to the ugliest man they could find; he held the knife until +another came, more unfortunate in physiognomy than himself, when it was +immediately made over to the last, who was obliged in his turn to retain +it until he could discover some one even more unprepossessing. +Following up this principle with the women of Belgium, and comparing +them with other European states, they are most unequivocally entitled to +hold the knife, and unless they improve by crossing the breed, I am +afraid they will have it in their possession for centuries. + +We arrived safe at Malines, and I was infinitely amused at the variety +of astonishment in the five hundred thousand faces which we passed. In +one rich meadow I beheld a crowd of Roman Catholic priests, who looked +at the trains in such a manner as if they thought that they were +"heretical and damnable," and that the Chemin de Fer was nothing but the +Chemin d'Enfer. At Malines we all got out, walked to a stone pillar, +where a speech was made to the sound of martial music, and we all got in +again. And then to show the power of his engines, Mr Stephenson +attached all the cars, omnibuses, and diligences together, and directed +the Elephant to take us back without assistance from the other two +engines. So the Elephant took us all in tow, and away we went at a very +fair pace. It must have been a very beautiful sight to those who were +looking on the whole train in one line, covered with red cloth and +garlands of roses with white canopies over head, and decorated with +about three hundred Belgian flags, of yellow, red, and black. However, +the huge animal who dragged this weight of eighty tons became thirsty at +Ville Vorde, and cast us off--it took him half an hour to drink--that is +to say, to take in water, and then he set off again, and we arrived +safely at Brussels, much to the delight of those who were in the cars +and also of his majesty, and all his ministers, and all his authorities, +and all the mercantile classes, who consider that the millennium is +come, but very much to the disappointment of the lower classes, who have +formed the idea that the _Chemin de Fer_ will take away their bread, and +who therefore longed for a blow-up. And Mr Stephenson having succeeded +in bringing back in safety his decorated cars, has been _decore_ +himself, and is now a Chevalier de l'Ordre Leopold. Would not the +_Iron_ order of the Belgian patriots have been more appropriate as a +_Chemin de Fer_ decoration? + +It is impossible to contemplate any steam-engine, without feeling wonder +and admiration at the ingenuity of man; but this feeling is raised to a +degree of awe when you look at a locomotive engine--there is such +enormous power compressed into so small a space--I never can divest +myself of the idea that it is possessed of _vitality_--that it is a +living as well as a moving being--and that idea, joined with its immense +power, conjures up in my mind that it is some spitting, fizzing, +terrific demon, who, if he could escape control, would be ready and +happy to drag us by thousands to destruction. + +And will this powerful invention prove to mankind a _blessing_ or a +_curse_?--like the fire which Prometheus stole from heaven to vivify his +statue, may it not be followed by the evils of Pandora's fatal casket? + +The lower classes of Belgium have formed an idea that the introduction +of steam is to take away their bread. Let us examine whether there is +not in this idea a degree of instinctive and prophetic truth. + +The axiom of our political economists is, that the grand object to be +sought and obtained is to produce the greatest possible results by the +smallest possible means. The axiom, as an axiom by itself, is good; but +the axiom to be opposed to it is, that the well-being and happiness of +any state depends upon obtaining full employment for the whole industry +of the people. + +The population of Belgium is enormous. In England we calculate about +eighteen hundred souls to the square league. In Belgium it amounts to +three thousand eight hundred souls to the square league. Now it would +be impossible for Belgium to support this population, were it not, in +the first place, for her extensive manufactories, (for upon the cotton +manufactories alone, in which steam is as yet but partially introduced, +two hundred and fifty thousand souls depend for their existence,) and in +the second place, from the subdivision of the land in small portions, +arising from the laws of inheritance, which bar the right of +primogeniture; the consequence of which is, that the major part of +Belgium is cultivated by spade husbandry, and is in the very highest +state of fertility. Nevertheless, the proportion of those who receive +relief in Belgium from public institutions and private charities of all +descriptions amounts even at present to _one in eight persons_. Now, +allowing that the steam-engine should be generally introduced into this +country, the consequence must be, that machinery will supply the place, +and do the work of man. And what may be the result? that thousands will +be thrown out of employment, and must be supported by the nation. When +the population is so dense that there is not room for the labour of its +present inhabitants, it is clear that the introduction of machinery can +have but one effect--that of increasing pauperism. Are not, then, the +Belgians right in thinking that it will deprive them of their bread? + +That machinery has already had that effect to a certain degree in +England cannot be denied; and not only our manufacturing, but our +agricultural population, have been distressed from an adherence to the +same principle, of obtaining the greatest possible results from the +smallest possible means. The subdivision of land will do more to +relieve the agricultural distress than anything else. At present large +farms are preferred both by landlord and tenant, because a large farm +can be cultivated with a fewer number of men and horses; but how does +this act? It throws a certain quantity of labourers out of employ, who +are supported in idleness. Is the sum gained by farmers by employing +fewer men on large farms more than their proportion of the poor's rates +paid for unproductive industry? That it may be more to the farmers is +possible, as they shift a great part of the onus upon others; but to the +nation it certainly is not--for the man who does not work must still be +fed. May we not then consider the following propositions as correct? + +That, producing the greatest possible results from the least possible +means, is an axiom which can only hold good when it does not interfere +with the industry of the people. That, as long as the whole population +are employed, such powers become a benefit, and a source of extra +wealth. But that, in proportion as it throws the population out of +employment, so much the more does it prove an injury, and must finally +lead to a state of things which must end in riot, anarchy, and +confusion. _Quod est demonstrandum_--I hope it will not be in our time. + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN. + + Antwerp. +Every one has heard of the cathedral at Antwerp and the fine pictures by +Rubens--every one has heard of the siege of Antwerp and General Chasse, +and how the French marched an army of non-intervention down to the +citadel, and took it from the Dutch--and every one has heard how Lord +Palmerston protocol-ed while Marshal Gerard bombard-ed--and how it was +all bombard and bombast. The name of Lord Palmerston reminds me that +conversing after dinner with some Belgians, the topic introduced was the +great dearth of diplomatic talent in a country like England, where +talent was in every other department so extremely prominent. It was not +the first time that this subject had been canvassed in my presence by +foreigners. Naturally envious of our general superiority, it is with +them a favourite point of attack; and they are right, as it certainly is +our weakest point. They cannot disparage our army, or our navy, or our +constitution; but they can our climate, which is not our fault, but our +misfortune; and our diplomacy, which is our fault, and has too often +proved our misfortune also. + +It certainly is the fact, that our diplomatic corps are very inferior, +and this can arise but from one cause; the emoluments which have been +attached to it having rendered admission into it an advantage eagerly +sought by the higher classes as a provision for the junior branches of +their families. Of course, this provision has been granted to those to +whom government have felt most indebted for support, without the least +regard to the important point as to whether those who were admitted were +qualified or not; so that the mere providing for a younger son of an +adherent to the government may have proved in the end to have cost the +country millions from the incompetence of the party when placed in a +situation requiring tact and discrimination. This evil is increased by +the system of filling up the vacant appointments according to +seniority--the exploded and absurd custom of "each second being heir +unto the first." Should any man have proved, upon an emergency, that he +was possessed of the highest talent for diplomacy, it will avail him +nothing--he never, under the present system, will be employed--he cannot +be admitted into the corps without having entered as a private secretary +or attache. It would be monstrous, unheard _of_; and the very idea +would throw Lord Aberdeen on the one side, or Lord Palmerston on the +other, into convulsions. Is it therefore to be wondered at our being so +deficient in our diplomatic corps? Surely if any point more than +another requires revision and reform, it is this; and the nation has a +right to insist upon it. + +It may be asked, what are the most peculiar qualities necessary in a +diplomatist, taking it for granted that he has talents, education, and a +thorough knowledge of the routine of business? The only term which we +can give to this `desideratum is' presence of mind--not the presence of +mind required in danger, but that presence of _mind_ which enables him, +when a proposition is made, at once to seize all its bearings, the +direction to which it tends, and the ultimate object (for that will +always be concealed at first) which the proposer may have in view. +Diplomatists, when they enter the field, are much in the situation of +two parties, one defending and the other attacking a stronghold. +Admissions are highly dangerous, as they enable the adversary to throw +up his first parallels; and too often, when you imagine that the enemy +is not one jot advanced, you find that he has worked through a covered +way, and, you are summoned to surrender. It is strange that, at the +very time that they assert that it would be impossible to employ those +as diplomatists who have not been regularly trained to the service, +officers in the army, and captains in the navy are continually so +employed, and often under circumstances of vital importance. Now it +would be supposed that the latter of all people they must be the most +unfit; as, generally speaking, they are sent to sea, _as unfit for +anything else_. But it appears that once commanding a frigate, they are +supposed to be fit for everything. A vessel is ordered for "particular +service," why so called I know not, except that there may be an elision, +and it means "particularly _disagreeable_ service." The captain is +directed by the Admiralty to consider himself under the orders of the +Foreign Office, and he receives a huge pile of documents, numbered, +scheduled, and red-taped (as Bulwer says in his pamphlet), the contents +of which he is informed are to serve as a guide for his proceedings. He +reads them over with all their verbiage and technicalities, sighs for +Cobbett's pure Saxon, and when he has finished, feels not a little +puzzled. Document Number 4 contradicting document Number 12, and +document Number 1 opposed to Number 66; that is, as _he_ reads and +understands English. Determined to understand them if possible, he +takes a dose of protocol every morning, until he has nearly learnt them +by heart, and then acts to the best of his knowledge and belief. And it +is undeniable that, with very few exceptions, the navy have invariably +given satisfaction to the Foreign Office when they have been so +employed, and often under circumstances of peculiar difficulty. I have +heard, from the best authority, that military men have also been equally +successful, although they have not so often been called into "particular +service." By the bye, particular service is all done at the same price +as general service in his Majesty's navy, which is rather unfair, as we +are obliged to find our own red tape, pens, ink, and stationery. + +As I was walking on the glacis with a friend, he pointed out to me at a +window an enormous fat man smoking his pipe, and told me that he had +been in the Dutch service under William of Orange; but not being a very +good hand at a forced march, he had been reduced with others to +half-pay. He had not been many months in retirement when he went to the +palace, and requested an audience of his Majesty, and, when admitted, +stated that he had come to request that his Majesty would be pleased to +put him again upon full pay. His Majesty raised many objections, and +stated his inability to comply with his request; upon which the +corpulent officer exclaimed, embracing with his arms as far as he could, +his enormous paunch, "My God! your Majesty, how can you imagine that I +can fill this big belly of mine with only my half-pay?" This +_argumentum ad ventrem_ so tickled King William, that he was put on +_full pay unattached_, and has continued so ever since. The first +instance I ever heard of a _man_ successfully pleading as ladies do at +the Old Bailey. + +It is hard for a wanderer from childhood like me, to find out anything +new or interesting. I have travelled too much and have seen too much--I +seldom now admire. I draw comparisons, and the comparison drawn between +the object before my eyes, and that in my mind's eye, is unfortunately +usually in favour of the latter. He who hath visited so many climes, +mingled with so many nations, attempted so many languages, and who has +hardly anything left but the North Pole or the crater of Vesuvius to +choose between; if he still longs for something new, may well cavil at +the pleasures of memory as a mere song. In proportion as the memory is +retentive, so is decreased one of the greatest charms of existence-- +novelty. To him who hath seen much, there is little left but +comparison, and are not comparisons universally odious? Not that I +complain, for I have a resource--I can fly to imagination--quit this +every-day world, and in the region of fiction create new scenes and +changes, and people these with new beings. + +Moreover, there is still endless variety, endless amusement, and food +for study and contemplation, in our own species. In all countries still +the same, yet ever varying:-- + + "The proper study of mankind is man." + +From which, I presume, we are to infer that it is time thrown away to +study woman. + +At the same party in which the conversation was raised relative to +diplomacy, a person with whom I was, until that day, wholly +unacquainted, was sitting by me, and as it happened, the name of one +with whom I had long been on terms of intimacy was mentioned. "Do you +know him?" said my neighbour, with a very peculiar expression. I +replied that I had occasionally met him, for I thought there was +something coming forward. + +"Well, all I can say is, that he is rather a strange person." + +"Indeed!" replied I; "how do you mean?" + +"Why, they say, that he is of a very uncertain temper." + +"Indeed!" continued I, with the same look of inquiry, as if demanding +more information. + +"Yes, yes, rather a dangerous man." + +"Do you know him?" inquired I, in return. + +"Yes; that is to say--not very intimately--the fact is, that I have +avoided it. I grant that he is a very clever man--but I hear that he +quarrels with everybody." + +"Who told you so?" replied I. + +Oh! he was not authorised to give the name of the person. + +"Then," replied I, "allow me to say that you have been misinformed. I +have been on intimate terms with that person for nearly twenty years, +during which he never quarrelled with me or any one that I know of; +although, I grant, he is not over civil to those whom he may despise. +The only part of your communication which is correct is, that he is a +very clever man, and our government are of the same opinion." + +My neighbour was discomfited, and said no more, and I joined the general +conversation. What may have been his cause of dislike I know not--but I +have frequently remarked, that if a man has made himself enemies either +from neglect of that sophistry and humbug, so necessary to enable him to +roll down the stream of time with his fellows without attrition, if they +can find no point in his character to assail, their last resort is, to +assert that he is an uncertain tempered man, and not to be trusted. + +This is the last, and although not the most empoisoned, still the surest +shaft in the whole quiver of calumny. It does not exactly injure the +character, but it induces others to avoid the acquaintance of the party +so misrepresented. + +It is rather singular, and perhaps I may have been fortunate, but in +more than half-a-dozen instances I have found the very parties to whom +this character has been given, although high-minded and high-spirited, +the very antithesis to the character which has been assigned them. That +some do deserve the character is undoubted--but there is no species of +calumny to be received with such peculiar caution. It may be right to +be on your guard, but it never should be the ground for a positive +avoidance of the party accused. Indeed, in some degree, it argues in +his favour, for it is clear that the whole charge they can bring against +his character is an infirmity to which we are all more or less +subjected; and he who looks for perfection in his acquaintance or his +friends, will inevitably meet with disappointment. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT. + + Brussels. +I have lost all my memoranda! I cannot find them any where. Well-- +children are a great blessing when they are kept in the nursery--but +they certainly do interfere a little with a papa who has the misfortune +to be an author. I little thought, when my youngest girl brought me up +a whole string of paper dolls, hanging together by the arms, that they +had been cut off my memoranda. But so it was; and when I had +satisfactorily established the fact, and insisted upon an inquisition to +recover my invaluables, I found that they had had an auto-da-fe, and +that the whole string of dolls, which contained on their petticoats my +whole string of bewitching ideas, had been burnt like so many witches. +But as the man said in the packet--"Is that all?" Oh, no!--they come +rushing in like a torrent, bounding, skipping, laughing, and screaming, +till I fancied myself like another Orpheus, about to be torn to pieces +by Bacchanals (they are all girls), and I laid down my pen, for they +drive all my ideas out of my head. May your shadows never grow less, +mes enfans, but I wish you would not make such a cursed row. + +The author and the author of existence do not amalgamate. That's a +fact. + +Their joyous countenances are answered by a look of despair--their +boiling-water heat drives my thermometer down to zero--their confounded +merriment gives me a confounded headache--their animal spirits drive me +to vegetable spirits--their cup of bliss running over makes me also +require a bumper--brandy restores the equilibrium, and I contrive to get +rid of them and my headache about one and the same time. + +Talking about brandy--one morning at two o'clock, about the witching +time that ghosts do glide about in churchyards, as I was thinking +whether it would not be better to go to bed instead of writing nonsense, +in which opinion most of my readers may coincide with me, in stalked +three young men who were considerably the worse for potation. There is +a great deal of character in inebriety--at the same time that no +estimate of character can be made from its effects; for we often find +the most quiet men when sober to be the most choleric in their cups--but +still there is character, and much that is curious in witnessing its +variety of effects. Now these young men were each drunk in a very +different war--the first, in a way quite novel; for although he could +preserve his equilibrium, and stare immensely, he had lost the power of +speech; you saw his lips move, but no articulation or sound succeeded-- +the second was laughing drunk; everything that was said, either by +himself or by any one else, was magnified into a pun or a _bon mot_--the +third, with whom I had no previous acquaintance, was _politely_ drunk. +I presume the idea of intruding himself upon a stranger, at such an +unseasonable hour, had produced that effect--but let me describe the +scene. + +"Ha, ha, ha! we come to you--ha, ha! capital. We want some brandy and +water; and, ha, ha! we know you always keep a stock," said the second, +seating himself in an armchair. + +The first also took a chair, moved his lips for a few seconds, and then +sat bolt upright, staring at the two candles; how many he counted I +cannot pretend to say. + +"Really," said Number Three, "we are--I'm afraid--taking a great +liberty--a very great liberty; but--an apology is certainly due--if you +will allow me to offer an apology for my two friends--will you allow me +to introduce them?" + +"Many thanks, but I have the pleasure of knowing _them_ already." + +"I really beg your pardon--it was quite unintentional on my part. I +trust you are not offended? Will you allow me to introduce myself? I +am Captain C--, of the --. Will you permit me to present my card, and +to say how happy I shall be to make your acquaintance?" So saying, the +third gentleman presented me with his card, and returned the card-case +into his pocket. + +"Capital!" cried Number Two. "Ha, ha, ha! what an excellent joke, ha, +ha, ha! Now for the brandy-and-water." + +This was soon produced, and although Number One had lost all +articulation, he had still the power of deglutition; he filled his +glass, sat up more erect, stared at the candles, and drank his grog; the +other did the same, when Number Three again spoke. + +"My dear Sir, I hope you will excuse the liberty, but my name is Captain +C--, of the --. Will you allow me the honour of presenting my card, and +of saying how proud I shall be to make your acquaintance?" So saying, +he presented me another card, which I put aside with the first. + +"Ha, ha, ha! what a good joke, to find you up. I said we should get +brandy-and-water here; wasn't that capital?--ha, ha, ha, ha!" + +I could not exactly see the joke of being kept up for perhaps two more +hours, but I begged they would refill their glasses, as the sitting +would be sooner ended one way or the other--either by the bottle being +empty, or their falling under the table--I did not care which--when I +was again addressed by Number Three. + +"I really beg your pardon, but--I'm afraid I have been very remiss--will +you allow me to introduce myself? I am Captain C--, of the --. Here is +my card, and I cannot say how happy I shall be if I may have the honour +of your acquaintance." + +I bowed a third time, and received a third card. + +"By heavens, I've finished my tumbler! Ain't that capital? Ha, ha, ha! +famous fun;--and so has Alfred." + +"Famous fun, indeed," thought I, as the contents of the bottle +disappeared. + +"And Alfred is going to help himself again; well, that is capital, ha, +ha, ha!--ha, ha, ha!--ha, ha, ha, ha!" + +Alfred, who was Number One, moved his lips, but like the frozen horn of +Munchausen, sounds would not come out; he did, however, follow up the +joke, by refilling his tumbler for the third time. + +"Upon my honour, I've been very rude, I ought to apologise," said Number +Three, again drawing out his card-case; "but will you allow me to offer +my card? I am Captain C--, of the --, and I shall be most happy to make +your acquaintance." + +I bowed again, and received the fourth card. + +Thus were the changes rung by numbers, one, two, and three, until I was +tired out, two bottles more drank out, and I had received fifteen cards +from my very polite friend, whom I had never seen before. + +At four o'clock they all rose to depart. + +"Upon my soul, I do believe I'm drunk," said Number Two; "capital joke-- +ha, ha, ha!" + +Number One continued dumb, brandy had not thawed him; but he stared very +hard at me, as much as to say, I would speak if I could. + +Number Three put into my hand the sixteenth card, and made a rash +attempt at a bow. + +Having seen them fairly outside my door, I bolted it, saying with +Shakespeare-- + + "O! that a man + Should put an enemy in his mouth + To steal away his brains!" + +I have been this morning to visit an establishment founded by two +brothers, of the name of Van der Maelen. It comprehends natural +history, botany, geography, and statistics, and they have, moreover, a +lithographic press for maps and plates. It is a very curious, and very +spirited undertaking. As yet, the whole has been effected by their own +means, which are extensive, and without any assistance from government. +How few people in this world employ their money so usefully! This +establishment is but yet in its infancy, and the collections are not +very valuable, although rapidly increasing, from the interest felt by +every one in its welfare. + +Of all collections of natural history, the fossil department is, to me, +the most interesting; there is room for speculation and reflection, till +the mind is lost in its own wanderings, which I consider one of the +greatest delights of existence. We are indebted to the vast, +comprehensive mind, and indefatigable labour of Cuvier, for the gleams +of light which have lately burst upon us, and which have rendered what +was before mere speculative supposition now a source of interesting and +anxious investigation, attended with results that are as satisfactory as +they are undeniable. + +That there was a period when the surface of the earth was almost +entirely covered with water--a state between chaos and order, when man +was not yet created (for that then the world had not yet been rendered +by the Almighty a fit receptacle for man), appears to be undoubted. Yet +the principle of life had been thrown forth by the Almighty hand, and +monsters had been endowed with vitality, and with attributes necessary +for their existence upon an intermediate world. + +These were the many varieties of the Ichthyosauri and the Plesiosauri, +of whose remains we have now such abundant specimens--all animals of the +lizard species; some supposed to have been supplied with wings, like the +flying fish of the present day. + +But imagine an animal of the lizard species, one hundred and twenty feet +long--imagine such a monster--the existence of which is now proved +beyond a cavil, by the remains, deeply imbedded in the hard blue lias +rocks, and which remains are now in our possession. What a terrific +monster it must have been! We look with horror at an alligator of +twenty or thirty feet, but imagine an animal of that species extending +his huge bulk to one hundred and twenty feet. Were they all destroyed +when the waters were separated from the hand, or did they gradually +become extinct when the earth was no longer a suitable habitation for +them, and no longer congenial to those properties with which they had +been endowed when ordered into existence by the Almighty power? The +description of the Behemoth, by Job, has long been a puzzle to the +learned; we have no animal of the present time winch will answer to it, +but in many points, this description will answer to what may be supposed +would be the appearance, the muscular power, and the habits of this huge +denizen of a former world. + + "His force is in the navel of his belly. + He moveth his tail like a cedar. + His bones are as strong pieces of brass. + His bones are like bars of iron. + He lieth under the shady trees in the covert of the reeds and fens. + The shady trees cover him with their shadow. + The willows of the brook compass him about." + +It may be a matter of deep surmise, whether all animals were created as +we now find them, that is, whether the first creation was final--or how +far the unerring hand has permitted a change to take place in the forms +and properties of animals, so as to adapt them to their peculiar +situations. I would say, whether the Almighty may not have allowed the +principle of vitality and life to assume, at various epochs, the form +and attributes most congenial to the situation, either by new formation +or by change. + +May not the monster of former worlds have dwindled down to the alligator +of this--the leviathan to the whale? Let us examine whether we have any +proofs in existing creation to support this supposition. We all know +that the hair of the goat and sheep in the torrid zones will be changed +into wool when they are taken to the colder climes, and that the reverse +will also take place--we know that the hare and weazel tribes, whose +security is increased from their colour so nearly approaching to that of +the earth in temperate latitudes, have the same protection afforded to +them when they are found in the regions of snow, by their changing to +white--and we know that the _rete mucosum_ of the African enables him to +bear the exposure to a tropical sun, which would destroy an European. +But this is not sufficient, we must examine further. Sir Humphry Davy +has given us a very interesting account of a small animal found in the +pools of water in the caves in Carniola; this animal is called the +_Proteus Anguinus_ or Syren: it is a species of eel with two feet--a +variety only to be found in these caves--it lives in darkness, and +exposure to the light destroys it. Now, here is an animal which we must +either suppose to have been created at the universal creation--and that +is to suppose that these caves and pools of water have also existed from +the time of the creation--or that the principle of vitality has been +permitted, at a later date, to take that form and those attributes +congenial to its situation: it is a curious problem. Again, it is well +known that in the continent of New Holland there are animals who have a +property peculiar to that continent alone--that of a pouch or false +stomach, to contain their young after their birth; it has been surmised +that at one time the major part of that continent was under water, and +that this pouch was supplied to them for the safety of their young; nor +is this conjecture without strong grounds; if only the kangaroo and +opossum tribes, which are animals peculiarly indigenous to that +continent, were supplied with this peculiar formation, the conjecture +would fall to the ground, as it might fairly be said that this property +was only another proof of the endless variety in creation; but the most +remarkable fact is, that not only the kangaroo and opossum, animals +indigenous and peculiar to that portion of the globe, but that very +variety of squirrel, rat, and mouse, which in every other respect are of +the same species as those found in the other continents, are all of them +provided with this peculiar false pouch to contain their young. Why, +therefore, should all these have been supplied with it, if not for a +cause? And the question now arises, whether at the first creation they +had that pouch, or were permitted so far to change their formation, when +the pouch became necessary for the preservation and continuation of +these species? That these changes are the changes of centuries, I +grant, and therefore are not likely to be observed by man, whose records +or whose knowledge are not permitted to be handed down beyond a certain +extent. Knowledge is not happiness; and when the accumulation has +arrived to that height so as to render it dangerous, it is swept away by +the all-wise and benevolent Creator, and we are permitted to begin again +_de novo_. After all, what we term posterity is but a drop of water in +the ocean of Time. + + + +CHAPTER NINE. + + Brussels. +There are few people in Brussels, indeed in Belgium, who do not complain +of the revolution; all that goes wrong is at once ascribed to this +cause--indeed I was rather staggered by one gentleman, at Ghent, telling +me very gravely that they had had no fat oxen since the revolution; but +this he explained by stating that the oxen were fattened from the refuse +of several manufactories, all of which had been broken up, the +proprietors having quitted for Holland. The revolution has certainly +been, up to the present time, injurious to both countries, but it is +easy to foretell that eventually Belgium will flourish, and Holland, in +all probability, be the sufferer. The expenses of the latter even now +are greater than her revenue, and when the railroads of Belgium have +been completed, as proposed, to Vienna, the revenue of Holland will be +proportionably decreased from her loss of the carrying trade. It may be +urged that Holland can also have her railroads--but she cannot: so large +a proportion of her population find their support at present on the +canals, that a railroad would be productive of the most injurious +effects. It is true that she can lower her rates of carriage, but the +merchant will save ten days of transport by the railroads, and this +rapidity of communication will always obtain the preference. + +But whatever may be the future prospects of Belgium, it is certain that, +from the heavy expenses attending the support of so large an army, the +retirement into Holland of most of the influential and wealthy +commercial men, and the defection of almost all the nobility, at present +she is suffering. Brussels, her capital, has perhaps been most injured, +and is no longer the gay and lively town which it was under the dynasty +of King William of Nassau. When the two countries were united, it was +the custom of the Dutch court to divide the year between Brussels and +the Hague; and as there was not only the establishment of the King, but +also those of Princes William and Frederick (in fact three courts), as +well as all the nobility of Holland and Belgium, there was an overflow +of wealth, of company, and of amusement, which rendered Brussels one of +the most delightful winter residences on the Continent: but this has now +all passed away. The court of Leopold, in consequence of the radical +party having the entire sway, is but a shadow, as nearly all the Belgian +nobility have retired from it. The few who reside in town will not +visit at the palace, and live in seclusion, receiving no company, and +spending no money; the majority, however, have either removed from +Brussels to their country seats, or have left the kingdom to spend their +revenue amongst foreigners. + +At present there are but few English here, it being no longer the scene +of gaiety, and there are other reasons which gradually decrease the +number. The fact is, that Brussels is not a very cheap residence. The +duties on every thing are now enormous, and the shop-keepers prey upon +the English as much as they can, having avowedly two prices, one for +them and the other for the Belgians. There are very few amusements, and +the people, since the revolution, are rude and bearish, imagining that +by incivility they prove their liberty and independence. The other +towns of Belgium are very dull and very cheap--Brussels is very dull and +very dear. In another point, Brussels presents a contradiction to all +the other capitals of Europe, in which you generally find the most +polished manners, and the greatest beauty in the female sex, +concentrated. At Brussels it is directly the reverse--the men are +uncivil and the women plain: whereas in the Belgian provinces you will +meet with civility and respect, and at Antwerp, Ostend, and most other +provincial towns, fall in with many fine countenances, reminding you of +the Spanish blood which has been for centuries mingled with that of the +Low Provinces. + +Nevertheless there are many advantages in Brussels: the communication +with England is so rapid, and its situation so central, that it may be +considered as the point from which travellers diverge on their various +routes. + +About the end of May the arrivals and departures from Brussels are +constant; this stream continues to pour through the city for three +months, after which, as the Belgians do not mix with the foreign +residents, the latter are left entirely to their own resources for +amusement. But the greatest objection to Brussels is, that the English +have brought with them the _English feeling_. I hardly know how else to +term it, but it certainly is a feeling peculiarly English, which has +taken deep root within this last half century, and which has already +produced much evil, and may eventually be productive of more serious +results. I refer to the system of spending more money than you can +afford, to enable you to hold a certain position in the scale of +society. + +For these last forty years, during which immense fortunes have been made +in England, there has been a continued struggle of wealth against rank. +_Parvenus_, as the aristocracy have been pleased to call them, have +started up in every direction, vying with, and even eclipsing the +nobility in lavish expenditure--in some instances, driving the +aristocracy to spend more money than they could afford, and thereby +impoverishing them; in others, forcing admittance into their circles. +Wealth and public opinion have latterly gained the ascendency, and the +aristocracy are now more looked up to on account of their large +possessions than of their high birth. Now this has been nothing more +than a demand for greater liberty and more extended rights on the part +of the commoners of England, in proportion as they found themselves a +more important body in the state. It has not been a case of Magna +Charta, but it is still analogous; for they have demanded that the +barrier raised between them and the aristocracy should be thrown down, +as soon as they possessed all the advantages, with the exception of that +nominal rank, the title too often conferred without discrimination on +the one hand or claims on the other. As soon as a partial breach had +been made in this barrier,--every one rushed for admittance, displaying +wealth as their ticket of admission, and the consequence has been, that +wealth has now become the passport into society; but another consequence +has also ensued, which is, that to obtain entrance, almost everybody has +been living and keeping up an appearance which has not been warranted by +their means. Many have exceeded their incomes, and then sunk down into +poverty; others have, perhaps, only lived up to their incomes; but in so +doing, have disappointed those who, induced by the appearance of so much +wealth, have married into the family and discovered that they have +obtained wives with expensive ideas, and no money. But there have been +other reasons which have induced some to live beyond their means--they +have done it in the pure spirit of gambling. In England, credit, next +to money, is of most value, and according to their supposed wealth, so +did the parties obtain credit; an expenditure beyond their means was, +therefore, with commercial men, nothing more than a speculation, which +very often succeeded, and eventually procured to the parties the means +of expenditure. It is well known that the income tax, in many cases, +was paid double; commercial men preferring to give in their income at +twice its real value, and pay the tax to that amount, that they might be +supposed to possess more than they really had; indeed, as it was +imagined that a man would evade so heavy an impost as much as possible, +he was generally considered to be worth even more than what he himself +had stated. It is from these causes that has arisen what I have called +the English feeling, for display beyond the means, and which has made +our countrymen look down upon those who cannot compete with them in +expense. Let a married couple be ever so well connected--let them have +talent, and every other advantage, it will avail them nothing, if they +have not money, sufficient at least to keep a carriage, and not shock +the mistress of a house by the sound of the rattling steps of a +hackney-coach at her door; besides which, in our commercial country, the +principle of barter, of _quid pro quo_, is extended even to dinner and +evening parties--and the reason is obvious--when people live to the full +extent, or even beyond their incomes, a little management is required. +A dinner-party is so arranged, that the dinners received from others are +returned to them, and they cannot afford to ask a couple who cannot give +them a dinner in return, as they would fill up the places of others to +whom a dinner is due, and who, if not asked then, must be at another +time; and an extra dinner is an extra expense to be avoided. The +English therefore, who have only moderate incomes, have the choice, +either to live beyond their means, and leave their children unprovided +for, or of being shut out from that society, to which every other is but +the adventitious claim of wealth, they are entitled. The consequence +has been that since the peace thousands and thousands have settled on +the Continent, that they may make more display with a small income, and +thousands more, with a much better feeling, to avoid expense, and lay by +a provision for their children. Of course all these remarks are made +with reservation, but with reservation, it may be said, that in England +we have, or soon shall have, only two classes left, the extreme rich and +the extreme poor, for the intermediate classes are gradually retiring to +the continent, emigrating to Canada and America, or sinking down into +the second class. + +This is a most dangerous state of society, and, if carried to the +extreme, has always proved ruinous to the state. Although the immense +extent of the Roman empire may be asserted as the ultimate cause of its +downfall, still that downfall was most certainly accelerated by the +rottenness at the core, the system of patrons and clients having thrown +all the wealth into the hands of a few. Are we not rapidly advancing to +this state in England? The landholders are almost at the mercy of the +fundholders, who, in fifty years' time, will probably have possession of +the land as well as of the money. And should there be no check put to +this disintegration of society, then must come what the radicals are now +so anxious to obtain, the equitable adjustment--and in that case it is a +problem how far that may not be really _equitable_; for society may, by +degrees, arrive to a state so anomalous as to warrant that the few +should be sacrificed for the benefit of the community at large. + + + +CHAPTER TEN. + + Brussels, May 22. +Among the _lions_ of Brussels, a dog was pointed out to me, as he lay on +the pavement in front of the House of Assembly. It was a miserable +looking cur; but he had a tale extra attached to him, which had +magnified him into a lion. It was said that he belonged to a Dutch +soldier, who was killed in the revolution, at the spot where the dog +then lay, and that ever since (a period of four years) the animal had +taken up his quarters there, and invariably lain upon that spot. +Whether my informant lied, and the dog did not, I cannot pretend to say; +but if the story be true, it was a most remarkable specimen of fidelity +and ugliness. And he was a sensible dog, moreover; instead of dying of +grief and hunger, as some foolish dogs have done, he has always +dedicated an hour every evening to cater for his support, and then +returns to pass the night on the spot. I went up to him, and when +within two yards he thought proper to show his teeth, and snarl most +dog-matically; I may therefore, in addition to his other qualities, +state that he is an ill-natured dog. How far the report was correct, I +cannot vouch; but I watched him three or four days, and always found him +at his post; and after such strict investigation, had I asserted ten +years instead of four, I have a prescriptive right, as a traveller, to +be believed. + +It is singular that it is only in England that you can find dogs, +properly so called; abroad they have nothing but curs. I do not know +anything more puzzling than the genealogy of the animals you meet with +under the denomination of dogs in most of the capitals of Europe. It +would appear as if the vice of promiscuous and unrestricted intercourse +had been copied from their masters; and I have been almost tempted to +take up the opinion, that you may judge of the morality of a capital +from the degeneracy of the dogs. I have often, at Paris, attempted to +make out a descent; but found it impossible. Even the late Sir G +Naylor, with all the herald's office, stimulated by double fees, could +not manage to decipher escutcheons obliterated by so many crosses. + +I am very partial to dogs; and one of my amusements, when travelling, is +to watch their meetings with each other; they appear to me to do +everything but speak. Indeed, a constant observer will distinguish in +dogs many of the passions, virtues, and rices of men; and it is +generally the case, that those of the purest race have the nobler +qualifications. You will find in them devotion, courage, generosity, +good temper, sagacity, and forbearance; but these virtues, with little +alloy, are only to be found in the pure breeds. A cur is quite a +lottery: he is a most heterogeneous compound of virtue and vice; and +sometimes the amalgamation is truly ludicrous. Notwithstanding which, a +little scrutiny of his countenance and his peculiar movements will soon +enable you to form a very fair estimate of his general character and +disposition. + +One of the most remarkable qualities in dogs is the fidelity of their +attachments; and the more so, as their attachments are very often +without any warrantable cause. For no reason that can be assigned, they +will take a partiality to people or animals, which becomes a feeling so +dominant, that their existence appears to depend upon its not being +interfered with. I had an instance of this kind, and the _parties_ are +all living. I put up, for an hour or two, at a livery stables in town, +a pair of young ponies. On my taking them out again, the phaeton was +followed by a large coach-dog, about two years old, a fine grown animal, +but not well marked, and in very poor condition. He followed us into +the country; but having my establishment of dogs (taxes taken into +consideration), I ordered him to be shut out. He would not leave the +iron gates; and when they were opened, in he bolted, and hastening to +the stables, found out the ponies, and was not to be dislodged from +under the manger without a determined resistance. This alternate +bolting in and bolting out continued for many days; finding that I could +not get rid of him, I sent him away forty miles in the country; but he +returned the next day, expressing the most extravagant joy at the sight +of the ponies, who, strange to say, were equally pleased, allowing him +to put his paws upon them, and bark in their faces. But although the +ponies were partial to the dog, I was not; and aware that a voyage is a +great specific for curing improper attachments, I sent the dog down the +river in a barge, requesting the men to land him where they were bound, +on the other side of the Medway; but in three days the dog again made +his appearance, the picture of famine and misery. Even the coachman's +heart was melted, and the rights and privileges of his favourite +snow-white terrier were forgotten. It was therefore agreed, in a +cabinet council held in the harness room, that we must make the best of +it; and, as the dog would not leave the ponies, the best thing we could +do, was to put a little flesh on his bones, and make him look +respectable. We therefore victualled him that day, and put him on our +books with the purser's name of Pompey. Now this dog proved, that +sudden as was his attachment to the ponies, it was of the strongest +quality. He never would and never has since left these animals. If +turned out in the fields, he remains out with them, night as well as +day, taking up his station as near as possible half way between the two, +and only coming home to get his dinner. No stranger can enter their +stables with impunity; for he is very powerful, and on such occasions +very savage. A year or two after his domiciliation, I sold the ponies, +and the parties who purchased were equally anxious at first to get rid +of the dog; but their attempts, like mine, were unavailing, and, like +me, they at last became reconciled to him. On my return from abroad, I +re-purchased them, and Pompey of course was included in the purchase. + +We are none of us perfect--and Pompey had one vice; but the cause of the +vice almost changed it into a virtue. He had not a correct feeling +relative to _meum_ and _tuum_, but still he did not altogether steal for +himself, but for his friends as well. Many have witnessed the fact of +the dog stealing a loaf, or part of one, taking it into the stables, and +dividing it into three portions, one for each pony, and the other for +himself. I recollect his once walking off with a round of beef, +weighing seventeen or eighteen pounds, and taking it to the ponies in +the field--they smelt at it, but declined joining him in his repast. +By-the-bye, to prove that lost things will turn up some day or another, +there was a silver skewer in the beef, which was not recovered until two +years afterwards, when it was turned up by the second ploughing. One +day, as the ponies were in the field where I was watching some men at +work, I heard them narrating to a stranger the wonderful feats of this +dog, for I have related but a small portion. The dog was lying by the +ponies as usual, when the servants' dinner-bell rang, and off went +Pompey immediately at a hard gallop to the house to get his food. +"Well, dang it, but he is a queer dog," observed the man, "for now he's +running as fast as he can, to _answer the bell_." + + + +CHAPTER ELEVEN. + + May 23. +With all the faults of the Roman church, it certainly appears to me that +its professors extend towards those who are in the bosom of their own +church a greater share than most other sects, of the true spirit of +every religion--charity. The people of the Low Countries are the most +bigoted Catholics at present existing, and in no one country is there so +much private as well as public charity. It is, however, to private +charity that I refer. In England there is certainly much to be offered +in extenuation, as charity is extorted by law to the utmost farthing. +The baneful effects of the former poor laws have been to break the links +which bound together the upper and lower classes, produced by protection +and good will in the former, and in the latter, by respect and +gratitude. Charity by act of parliament has dissolved the social +compact--the rich man grumbles when he pays down the forced +contribution--while the poor man walks into the vestry with an insolent +demeanour, and claims relief, not as a favour, but as a right. The poor +laws have in themselves the essence of revolution, for if you once +establish the right of the poor man to any portion of the property of +the rich, you admit a precedent so far dangerous, that the poor may +eventually decide for themselves what portion it may be that they may be +pleased to take; and this becomes the more dangerous, as it must be +remembered, that the effect of the poor laws is _repulsion_ between the +two classes, from the one giving unwillingly, and the other receiving +unthankfully. How the new Poor Law Bill will work remains to be proved; +but this is certain, that much individual suffering must take place, +before it works out the great end which it is intended to obtain. + +That the Roman Catholic laity are more charitable is not a matter of +surprise, as they are not subjected to forced contributions: but it +appears to me that the Catholic clergy are much more careful and kind to +their flocks than our own. Now, indeed, can it be otherwise, when even +now, although so much reform in the Church has been effected, so many of +our clergymen are pluralists and non-residents, expending the major part +of the church revenue out of the parish, leaving to the curate, who +performs the duty, a stipend which renders it impossible for him to +exercise that part of his Christian duty to any extent?--for charity +_begins_ at home, and his means will not allow him to proceed much +farther. That serious evils have arisen from the celibacy of the Roman +clergy is true, for priests are but men, and are liable to temptation; +but it is equally certain that when a Roman Catholic clergyman is a pure +and pious man, he has nothing to distract his attention from the +purposes of his high calling; and not only his whole attention is +devoted to his flock, but his existence, if necessary, is voluntarily +endangered. At the period of the cholera, there were many remarkable +instances of this devotion to death on the part of the Roman priesthood, +and as many, I am forced to say, of the Protestant clergy flying from +the epidemic, and leaving their flocks without a shepherd. And why so? +because the Protestant clergymen had wives and families depending upon +them for support, and whose means of existence would terminate with +their own lives. It was very natural that they should prefer the +welfare of their own families to that of their parishioners. But in +other cases not so extreme, the encumbrance of a family to a clergyman +in England is very often in opposition to his duty. To eke out a scanty +remuneration, he sets up a school or takes in pupils. Now if the duties +of a clergyman consisted in merely reading the services on a Sunday, and +christening, burying, and marrying, he might well do so; but the real +duties of a clergyman are much more important. His duty is to watch +over the lives and conduct of his parishioners, to exhort, persuade, and +threaten, if necessary; to be ever among his flock, watching them as a +shepherd does his sheep. And how can he possibly do this, if he takes +charge of pupils?--he must either neglect his pupils or neglect his +parish. He cannot do justice to both. As Saint Paul says to the +bishops, "Although it is better to marry than burn, still it is better +to be even as I am," unencumbered with wife and family, and with no ties +to distract my attention from my sacred and important calling. + +But the _public_ charitable institutions abroad are much better +conducted than those of England, where almost every thing of the kind is +made a job, and a source of patronage for pretending pious people, who +work their way into these establishments for their own advantage. It is +incredible the number of poor people who are effectually relieved on the +Continent in the course of the year, at an expense which would not meet +the weekly disbursements of a large parish in England. But then, how +much more judicious is the system! I know for a fact, that in the +county where I reside, and in which the hard-working labourer, earning +his twelve shillings a week, is quite satisfied if he can find +sufficient _bread_ for his family, (not tasting meat, perhaps, ten times +during the whole year,) that those who were idlers, supported by +charity, were supplied with meat three or four times a week; nay, even +the felons and prisoners in the county gaol were better fed than was the +industrious working man. And this is what in England is called charity. +It is base injustice to the meritorious. But many of the +charitable institutions in England, from mal-administration, and +pseudo-philanthropy, have become very little better than establishments +holding out premiums for idleness and hypocrisy. + +Among the institutions founded by Roman Catholics and particularly +deserving of imitation, that of the Soeurs de la Charite appears to be +the most valuable. It is an institution which, like mercy, is twice +blessed--it blesses those who give, and those who receive. Those who +give, because many hundreds of females, who would otherwise be thrown +upon the world, thus find an asylum, and become useful and valuable +members to society. They take no vows--they only conform to the rules +of the sisterhood during the time that they remain in it, and if they +have an opportunity, by marriage or otherwise, of establishing +themselves, they are at free liberty to depart. How many young women, +now forced into a wretched, wicked life, would gladly incorporate +themselves into such a society in England; how many, if such a society +existed, would be prevented from falling into error! + +It is well known, that to support a large community, the expenses are +trifling compared to what they are when you have the same number of +isolated individuals to provide for. A company of two or three hundred +of these sisters living together, performing among themselves the +various household duties, washing, etcetera, and merely requiring their +food, would not incur the same expense in house rent, firing, and +provisions, as thirty or forty isolated individuals. Soldiers in +barracks are even well fed, housed, and clothed, at a much less expense +than it costs the solitary labourer to eat his _dry bread_ in his own +cottage; and the expenses of such communities, if once established, +would very soon be paid by their receipts. + +It would be a double charity, charity to those who would willingly +embrace the life, and charity to those who might require their +assistance. It is well known how difficult it is to obtain a sick nurse +in London. It is an avocation seldom embraced by people, until they are +advanced in years, and all feeling has been dried up by suffering or +disappointment. Those who undertake the task are only actuated by gain, +and you can expect but eye-service. Not being very numerous, and +constantly in demand, they are overworked, and require stimulants in +their long watchings. In fact, they drink and dose--dose and drink +again. + +But how different would it be if the establishments, which I have +referred to, were formed! those who are wealthy would send for one of +the sisters when required, and if the illness were tedious, her services +could be replaced by another, so that over-fatigue might not destroy +watchfulness and attention to the patient. You would at once feel that +you had those in your house in whom you could confide. If your means +enabled you, you would send a sum to the funds of the charity in return +for the service performed, and your liberality would enable them to +succour those who could only repay by blessings. A very small +subscription would set afloat such a charity, as the funds would so +rapidly come in; and if under the surveillance of the medical men who +attended the hospitals, it would soon become effective and valuable. I +trust if this should meet the eye of any real philanthropist who has +time to give, which is more valuable than money, that he will turn it +over in his mind:--the founder would be a benefactor to his country. + + + +CHAPTER TWELVE. + + May 25. +"A man cannot die more than once," is an old apothegm, and it would +appear bold to dispute it; but still there are lives within lives, such +as political lives, literary lives, etcetera, and there is also such a +thing as being dead in the eye of the law; so that it is evident that a +man can die twice, that is, once professionally or legally, and once +naturally. + +I presume, like all other scribblers, I must meet my literary death, +that is, when I have written myself down, or have written myself out. I +have no objection, for I am very weary of my literary existence, +although authors are not so in general; on the contrary, they can +perceive in themselves no sign of decay when it is apparent to every +body around them. Literary decay is analogous to the last stage of a +consumption, in which you believe you are not going to die, and plan for +the future as if you were in perfect health. And yet to this complexion +must all authors come at last. There is not a more beautiful, or more +true portrait of human nature, than the scene between the Archbishop of +Grenada and Gil Blas, in the admirable novel of Le Sage. Often and +often has it been brought to my recollection since I have taken up the +pen, and often have I said to myself, "Is this homily as good as the +last?" (perhaps homily is not exactly the right term my writings.) The +great art in this world, not only in writing, but in everything else, is +to know when to leave off. The mind as well as the body must wear out. +At first it is a virgin soil, but we cannot renew its exhausted vigour +after it has borne successive crops. We all know this, and yet we are +all archbishops of Grenada. Even the immortal Walter Scott might have +benefited by the honesty of Gil Blas, and have burnt his latter +homilies; but had he had such an unsophisticated adviser, would he not, +in all probability, have put him out by the shoulders, wishing him, like +the venerable hierarch, "a little more taste and judgment." + +Since I have been this time abroad, I have made a discovery for which +all prose writers ought to feel much indebted to me. Poets can invoke +Apollo, the Muses, the seasons, and all sorts and varieties of gods and +goddesses, naked or clothed, besides virtues and vices, and if none of +them suit, they may make their own graven image, and fall down before +it; but we prose writers have hitherto had no such advantage, no +protecting deity to appeal to in our trouble, as we bite our pens, or to +call upon to deliver us from a congestion of the brain. Now being aware +that there were upwards of three hundred and fifty thousand canonised +saints on the Roman calendar, I resolved to run through the catalogue, +to ascertain--if there was one who took prose authors under his +protection, and to my delight, I stumbled upon our man. By-the-bye, Tom +Moore must have known this, and he has behaved very ill in keeping him +all to himself. But I must introduce him. It is the most holy, and the +most blessed, Saint Brandon. Holy Saint Brandon inspire me, and guide +my pen while I record thy legend! In the first place, let me observe +that our patron saint was an Irishman, and none the worse for that, as +Ireland has had as good saints as any in the calendar. And it is now +clear that he does protect us prosaic writers, by the number of +reporters and gentlemen of the press which have been sent over from the +sister kingdom. But to proceed. + +Saint Brandon, it appears, was a reading man, and amused himself with +voyages and travels; but Saint Brandon was an unbeliever, and thought +that travellers told strange things. He took up the Zoology of Pliny, +and pursued his accounts of "Antres vast, and men whose heads do grow +beneath their shoulders." He read until his patience was exhausted, +and, in a fit of anger, he threw the manuscript into the flames. Now +this was a heavy sin, for a man's book is the bantling of his brain, +and, to say the least, it was a literary-infanticide. That very night +an angel appeared to him, and as a penance for his foul crime (in the +enormity of which every author will agree with the angel), he was +enjoined to _make the book over again_, no easy task in those days, when +manuscripts were rare, and the art of book-making had not been invented. +The sinner, in obedience to the heavenly mission, goes to work; he +charters a vessel, lays in provisions for a seven years' voyage, and +with a crew of seven monks, he makes sail, and after going round the +world seven times, during which the world went round the sun seven +times, he completed his task in seven volumes folio, which he never +published, but carried his manuscript away with him to prove that he had +performed his penance. For this miraculous voyage--and certainly with +such a ship's company, it was a miracle--he was canonised, and is now +the patron saint of all prose authors, particularly those whose works +are measured by the foot-rule. + +And now that I have made known to my fraternity that we also have a +saint, all they have to do is to call upon him six or seven times, when +their brains are at sixes and sevens. I opine that holy Saint Brandon +made a very _hazard-ous_ voyage, for it is quite clear that, in the +whole arrangement, it was--_seven's the main_. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTEEN. + + En route, May 26. +Passed Waterloo--was informed that two days before the Marquis of +Anglesey had arrived there, and stayed a short time to visit the +cemetery of his leg; a regular family visit of course, as all the +_members_ were present. + + May 27. +Slept at Namur. The French are certainly superior to us in the art of +rendering things agreeable. Now, even in the furnishing of a common +apartment, there is always something to relieve the eye, if not to +interest you. I recollect when I was last in London, in furnished +apartments, that as I lay awake in the morning, my eye caught the +pattern of the paper. It was a shepherdess with her dog in repose, +badly executed, and repeated without variation over the whole apartment. +Of course I had nothing to do but to calculate how many shepherdesses +and dogs there were in the room, which, by counting the numbers in +length and breadth, squaring the results, and deducting for door and +windows, was soon accomplished. But how different was the effect +produced by the paper of the room in which I slept last night! It was +the history of Dunois, the celebrated bastard of France, who prays in +his youth that he may prove the bravest of the brave, and be rewarded +with the fairest of the fair. This was not the true history, perhaps, +of Dunois; but I am drawing the comparison between the associations and +reminiscences conjured up by this decoration in opposition to the dull +and tasteless recapitulation of the English manufacture. From the +latter I could not extract a bare idea, except that shepherdesses are, +as a race, extinct, and that Lord Althorp had taken the tax off +shepherds' dogs, by way of a bonus, to relieve a distressed capital of +some hundred millions, to which the agricultural interest had very +properly replied, "Thank you for nothing, my Lord;" but from the sight +of the French paper what a host of recollections started up at the +moment! The mind flew back to history, and was revelling in all the +romance of chivalry, from King Arthur and his Knights, to the Field of +the Cloth of Gold. + +"Yet, after all," thought I, at the end of a long reverie, "divest +chivalry, so called, of its imposing effect, examine well into its +nature and the manners of the times, and it must be acknowledged that +the modern warfare has a much greater claim than the ancient to the +title of chivalry. In former times men were cased in armour of proof, +and, before the discovery of gunpowder, had little to fear in a _melee_, +except from those who, like themselves, were equally well armed and +equally protected, and even then only from flesh wounds, which were +seldom mortal. The lower classes, who served as common soldiers, were +at the mercy of the mounted spearsmen, and could seldom make any +impression upon their defences. In those days, as in the present, he +who could command most gold carried the day, for the gold procured the +steel harness, and a _plump_ of spears brought into the field was more +than equal to a thousand common men. He who had the best tempered +armour was the most secure, and that was it be only procured by gold. +He who could mount and case in iron the largest number of his followers +was the most powerful, and, generally speaking, the most lawless. +Divest chivalry of its splendour, which threw a halo round it, and it +was brutal, and almost cowardly. Single combats did certainly prove +courage; but even in them, skill, and more than skill, personal +strength, or the best horse, decided the victory. In fact, although not +the origin, it was the upholder of the feudal system, in which might was +right; and we may add, that the invention of gunpowder, which placed +every man upon a level, if not the cause of, certainly much assisted to +break up the system. How much more of the true spirit of chivalry is +required in the warfare of the present day, in which every man must +stand for hours to be shot at like a target, witnessing the mowing down +of his comrades, and silently filling up the intervals in the ranks made +by their deaths, exposed to the same leaden messengers; a system of +warfare in which every individual is a part of a grand _whole_, acting +upon one concerted and extended plan, and forced a hundred times to +exhibit the passive and more perfect bravery of constancy, for once that +he may forget his danger in the ardour of the charge! When shall we +learn to call things by their right names?" + + Liege, May 28. +Our landlord is a most loyal man, but there is a reason for it. Leopold +took up his quarters at this hotel in his way to Spa. In every room we +have upon every article of _fayence_--"Leopold, with the Genius of +Belgium crowning him with laurels, while Truth is looking on." Every +plate, every dish, is impressed with this proof print of loyalty. But +this is not all, as the man said in the packet, "Oh, no!" All the +wash-hand basins, jugs, and every other article required in a +bed-chamber, have the same loyal pattern at the bottom. Now it appeared +to me, when I went to bed, that loyalty might be carried too far; and +what may have been intended as respect, may be the cause of his Majesty +being treated with the greatest disrespect; and not only his sacred +Majesty, but the glorious Belgian constitution also. As for poor Truth, +she is indeed said to sojourn at the bottom of a well; but in this +instance, it would, perhaps, be as well that she should not be +insulted--I am wrong, she always is, and always will be, insulted, when +she appears in the purlieus of a court, or in the presence of a king. + +After all, mine is a strange sort of Diary. It is not a diary of +events, but of thoughts and reminiscences, which are thrown up and +caught as they float to the surface in the whirlpool of my brain. No +wonder!--events are but as gleanings compared to the harvest of many +years, although so negligently gathered into store. I have been +puzzling myself these last two hours to find out what a man's brain is +like. It is like a kaleidoscope, thought I; it contains various ideas +of peculiar colours, and as you shift them round and past, you have a +new pattern every moment. But no, it was not like a kaleidoscope, for +the patterns of a kaleidoscope are regular, and there is very little +regularity in my brain, at all events. + +It is like a pawnbroker's shop, thought I, full of heterogeneous +pledges; and if you would take anything out, experience stands at the +counter, and makes you pay her compound interest, while many articles of +value are lost for ever, because memory cannot produce the duplicate. + +And then I compared it to almost every thing, but none of my comparisons +would hold good. After all, thought I, I have been only playing at +"What are my thoughts like?" which is a childish game; and how can I +possibly find out what my brain is like, when my brain don't choose to +tell? So I rose, and opening the window, lighted my cigar, and smoked +myself into a reverie, as I watched the smoke ascending from the +chimneys of the good town of Liege. + +And this is the city which travellers pass through, describing it as a +mere manufacturing town, thought I. A city which has, in its time, +produced a greater moral influence upon society than any other in +existence--a city that has led the van in the cause of religion and +liberty. Liege presents a curious anomaly among the states of Europe. +It is the only town and province, with the exception of Rome, which has +been, for centuries, ruled by the clerical power. But be it +recollected, that at the very period that Christianity was offering up +her martyrs at the blood-stained arena of the Coliseum, it was from +Liege (or rather Tongres, for Liege was not then built) that she was +spreading wide her tenets, unpersecuted and unrestrained, for she was +too far removed from idolatry and imposture to be regarded. The +province of Liege was the cradle of the Christian faith. From the +earliest records there were bishops at Tongres; and it was about five +hundred years after Christ, that Saint Monulphe, the reigning bishop, +founded the city of Liege. From that time until the French Revolution, +this town and these fertile provinces had always remained under clerical +authority. + +Although these prince-bishops proved that, upon necessity, they could +change the crosier for the coat of mail, still, as by endowments and +benefactions they increased their revenues, so did they, by the mildness +of their sway, induce thousands to settle in their territory; and to +increase their population (which was to increase their wealth), they +first granted to their citizens those privileges and liberties, which +have, upon their precedent, been obtained by force or prayers by others. +The very boast of the English of the present day, that _every man_'s +_house is his castle_, was the sacred grant of one of the bishops to the +citizens at Liege, long before the feudal system had been abolished in +our island. + +I may also observe, for it is to be gained from the chronicles of this +province, that the time at which it may be said that the primitive +Christian church first fell into error, appears to have been about one +thousand years after the death of our Saviour. And as I thought of all +this, and a great deal more, and smoked my cigar, I felt a great deal of +respect for the good old city of Liege; and then I wandered back to the +country I had passed through the day before, excelling in all lovely +scenery. I had seen it before, but it was many years ago; and it may be +seen many times without the least degree of satiety. I do not know any +scenery which raises up such pleasurable sensations as that of the +Valley of Meuse, taking it the whole way from Namur to Liege, and from +Liege to Spa. It is not so magnificent as the Rhine, to which it bears +a miniature resemblance. It is not of that description creating a +strong excitement, almost invariably succeeded by depression; but it is +of that unchanging and ever-pleasing, joyous description, that you are +delighted without being fatigued, and have stimulus sufficient to keep +you constantly in silent admiration without demanding so much from the +senses as to weary them. If I could have divested myself from the +knowledge that I was in motion, and have fancied that the scene was +moving past, I could have imagined myself seated at one of our large +theatres, watching one of Stanfield's splendid panoramas. But the +lighted end of my cigar at last approximated so near to my nose, that I +was burnt out of my reverie; I took the last save--all whiffs, tried to +hit an old woman's cap with the end of it, as I tossed it into the +street, and retreated to the diurnal labour of shaving--of all human +miseries, certainly, the "unkindest cut of all"--especially when the +maids have borrowed your razor, during your absence, to pare down the +apex of their corns. + + + +CHAPTER FOURTEEN. + + Liege. +I have been reading the "Salmonia" of Sir Humphry Davy: what a pity it +is that he did not write more! there are so many curious points started +in it. I like that description of book, which, after reading a while, +you drop it on your knee, and are led into a train of thought which may +last an hour, before you look for the page where you left off. There +are two cases argued in this work, which led me into a meditation. The +one is, a comparison between reason and instinct, and the other, as to +the degree of pain inflicted upon fish by taking them with the hook. +Now it appeared to me, in the first question, what has been advanced is +by no means conclusive, and although it is the custom to offer a penny +for your thoughts, I shall give mine for nothing, which is perhaps as +much as they are worth, (I say that, to prevent others from making the +sarcastic remark), and in the second question, I think I can assist the +cause of the lovers of the _gentle_ art of angling--why _gentle_, I know +not, unless it be that anglers bait with _gentles_, and are mostly +_gentle_-men. + +But before I attempt to prove that angling is not a cruel sport, I must +first get rid of "reason and instinct." Of reason most undoubtedly a +philanthropist would reply, "Be it so;" nevertheless, I will argue the +point, and if I do not succeed, I have only to hedge back upon Solomon, +and inquire, "If man was born to misery as the sparks fly upwards, why +are not the inferior classes of creation to have their share of it?" + +I do not think that any one can trace out the line of demarcation +between reason and instinct. Instinct in many points in wonderful, +especially among insects, but where it is wonderful, it is a blind +obedience, and inherited from generation to generation. We observe, as +in the case of the bees, that they obey the truest laws of mathematics, +and from these laws they never have deviated from their creation, and +that all animals, as far as their self-defence or their sustenance is +concerned, show a wonderful blind obedience to an unerring power, and a +sagacity almost superior to reason. But wonderful as this is, it is +still but instinct, as the progenitors of the race were equally guided +by it, and it is handed down without any improvement, or any decay in +its power. Now if it could be asserted that the instinct of animals was +only thus inherited from race to race, and could "go no farther," the +line of demarcation between reason and instinct would at once be +manifest, as instinct would be blindly following certain fixed laws, +while reason would ever be assisted by memory and invention. But we +have not this boasted advantage on the side of reason, for animals have +both memory and invention, and, moreover, if they have not speech, they +have equal means of communicating their ideas. That this memory and +invention cannot be so much exercised as our own, may be true, but it is +exercised to an extent equal to their wants, and they look no further; +that is to say, that if any want not prepared for, or anything should +take place interfering with their habits and economy, instinct will +enable them to meet the difficulty. There is nothing more wonderful +than the application of mechanical power by ants. No engineer could +calculate with greater nicety, and no set of men work together with such +combination of force. After they have made ineffectual attempts to +remove a heavy body, you will observe them to meet together, consult +among themselves, and commence an entire new plan of operations. Bees, +also, are always prepared to meet any new difficulty. If the _sphinx +atropos_, or death's head moth, forces its way into the hive, the bees +are well known, after having killed it with their stings, to embalm the +dead body with wax--their reason for this is, that the body was too +large for them to remove through the passage by which it entered, and +they would avoid the unpleasant smell of the carcass. It may be argued, +that instinct had always imparted to them this knowledge; but if so, +they must have had a fresh accession of instinct after they had been +domiciled with men: for it is well known that the hole in the tree, in +which the wild bees form their cells, is invariably too small to admit +any animal larger than themselves, and the bodies of such sized animals +they could remove with as much ease as they do the bodies of their own +dead. + +I could cite a hundred instances, which would prove that animals have +invention independent of the instinct handed down from generation to +generation. I will, however, content myself with one instance of +superior invention in the elephant, which occurred at Ceylon. Parties +were employed felling timber in the forests of Candia, and this timber, +after having been squared, was dragged to the depot by a large party of +elephants, who, with their keepers, were sent there for that purpose. +This work was so tedious, that a large truck was made, capable of +receiving a very heavy load of timber, which might be transported at +once. This truck was dragged out by the elephants, and it was to be +loaded. I should here observe, that when elephants work in a body, +there is always one who, as if by common consent, takes the lead, and +directs the others, who never refuse to obey him. The keepers of the +elephants, and the natives, gave their orders, and the elephants obeyed; +but the timber was so large, and the truck so high on its wheels, that +the elephants could not put the timber in the truck according to the +directions given by the men. After several attempts, the natives gave +up the point, and retiring to the side of the road as usual, squatted +down, and held a consultation. In the meantime, the elephant who took +the lead summoned the others, made them drag two of the squared pieces +to the side of the truck, laid them at right angles with it, lifting one +end of each on the truck, and leaving the other on the ground, thus +forming the inclined plane. The timber was then brought by the +elephants, without any interference on the part of the keepers or +natives, who remained looking on, was pushed by the elephants with their +foreheads up the inclined plane, and the truck was loaded. Here then is +an instance in which the inventive instinct of the animal--if that term +may be used--was superior to the humbler reasoning powers of the men who +had charge of them. + +That animals have the powers of memory as well as man, admits of no +dispute. In elephants, horses, and dogs, we have hourly instances of +it: but it descends much lower down--the piping bullfinch, who has been +taught to whistle two or three waltzes in perfect concord, must have a +good memory, or he would soon forget his notes. To detail instances of +memory would therefore be superfluous; but, as it does occur to me while +I write, I must give an amusing instance how the memory of a good +thrashing overcame the ruling passion of a monkey, which is gluttony, +the first and only instance that I ever saw it conquered. + +I had on board a ship which I commanded, a very large Cape baboon, who +was a pet of mine, and also a little boy, who was a son of mine. When +the baboon sat down on his hams, he was about as tall as the boy was +when he walked. The boy having tolerable appetite, received about noon +a considerable slice of bread and butter, to keep him quiet till +dinner-time. I was on one of the carronades, busy with the sun's lower +limb, bringing it in contact with the horizon, when the boy's lower +limbs brought him in contact with the baboon, who having, as well as the +boy, a strong predilection for bread and butter, and a stronger arm to +take it withal, thought proper to help himself to that to which the boy +had been already helped. In short, he snatched the bread and butter, +and made short work of it, for it was in his pouch in a moment. Upon +which the boy set up a yell, which attracted my notice to this violation +of the articles of war, to which the baboon was equally amenable as any +other person in the ship; for it is expressly stated in the preamble of +every separate article, "All who are _in_, or _belonging_ to." +Whereupon I jumped off the carronade, and by way of assisting his +digestion, I served out to the baboon monkey's allowance, which is, more +kicks than halfpence. The master reported that the heavens intimated +that it was twelve o'clock; and with all the humility of a captain of a +man-of-war, I ordered him to "make it so;" whereupon it was made, and so +passed that day. I do not remember how many days it was afterwards that +I was on the carronade as usual, about the same time, and all parties +were precisely in the same situations,--the master by my side, the +baboon under the booms, and the boy walking out of the cabin with his +bread and butter. As before, he again passed the baboon, who again +snatched the bread and butter from the boy, who again set up a squall, +which again attracted my attention. Looked round, and the baboon caught +my eye, which told him plainly that he'd soon catch what was not "at all +_my eye_;" and he proved that he actually thought so, for he actually +put the bread and butter back into the boy's hands. It was the only +instance of which I ever knew or heard of a monkey being capable of +self-denial when his stomach was concerned, and I record it accordingly. +(Par parenthese:) it is well known that monkeys will take the +small-pox, measles, and I believe the scarlet fever; but this poor +fellow, when the ship's company were dying of the cholera, took that +disease, went through all its gradations, and died apparently in great +agony. + +As, then, invention and memory are both common to instinct as well as to +reason, where is the line of demarcation to be drawn; especially as in +the case of the elephants I have mentioned, superior instinct will +invent when inferior reason is at fault? It would appear, if the two +qualities must be associated, that, at all events, there are two +varieties of instinct: blind instinct, which is superior to reason, so +far that it never errs, as it is God who guides; and inventive instinct, +which enables the superior animals to provide for unexpected +difficulties, or to meet those which memory has impressed upon them. +But if we examine ourselves, the difficulty becomes even greater--we +have decidedly two separate qualities. We are instinctive as well as +reasonable beings; and what is inventive instinct but a species of +reason, if not reason itself? + +But although I say that it is hardly possible to draw the line of +demarcation, I do not mean to say that they are one and the same thing; +for instinct and reason, if we are to judge by ourselves, are in direct +opposition. Self-preservation is instinctive; all the pleasures of +sense, all that people are too apt to consider as happiness in this +world; I may say, all that we are told is wrong, all that our reason +tells us we are not to indulge in, is _instinct_. + +Such are the advantages of being reasonable beings in _this world_; +undoubtedly, we have a right to claim for ourselves, and deny to the +rest of the creation, the enjoyments of the next. Byron says:-- + + "Man being reasonable, must get drunk." + +That is to say, being reasonable, and finding his reason a reason for +being unhappy, he gets rid of his reason whenever he can. So do the +most intellectual animals. The elephant and the monkey enjoy their +bottle as much as we do. I should have been more inclined to agree with +Byron, if he had said:-- + + Man being reasonable, must _go to the devil_. + +For what are poor reasonable creatures to do, when instinct leads them +to the "old gentleman;" and reason, let her tug as hard as she pleases, +is not sufficiently powerful to overcome the adverse force. + +After all, I don't think that I have come to a very satisfactory +conclusion. Like a puppy running round after his own tail, I am just +where I was when I set out; but, like the puppy, I have been amused for +the time. I only hope the reader will have been so too. + +And now, my brethren, I proceed to the second part of my discourse, +which is, to defend anglers and fly-fishers from the charge of cruelty. + +It is very true that Shakespeare says, "The poor beetle that we tread +on, in mortal sufferance, feels a pang as great as when a giant dies;" +and it is equally true that it is as false as it is poetical. + +There is a scale throughout nature, and that scale has been divided by +unerring justice. Man is at the summit of this scale, being more +fearfully and wonderfully made, more perfect than any other of the +creation, more perfect in his form, more perfect in his intellect; he is +finer strung in his nerves, acuter in his sympathies; he has more +susceptibility to pleasure, more susceptibility to pain. He has +pleasures denied to, and he has pains not shared with him by, the rest +of the creation. He enjoys most, and he suffers most. From man, the +scale of creation descends, and in its descent, as animals are less and +less perfect, so is meted out equal but smaller proportions of pleasure +and pain, until we arrive to the Mollusca and Zoophyte, beings existing +certainly, but existing without pleasure and without pain--existing only +to fill up the endless variety, and add the links to the chain of nature +necessary to render it complete. The question which naturally will be +put is, "how do you know this? it is assertion but not proof." But +arguments are always commenced in this way. The assertion is the +_quid_, the _est demonstrandum_ always comes afterwards. I handle my +nose, flourish my handkerchief, and proceed. + +Man is the most perfect of creation. What part of his body, if +separated from the rest, can he renew? No part, except the hair and the +nail. Reproduction can go no further. With the higher classes of +animals, also, there is no reproduction: but even at this slight descent +upon the scale, we may already point out a great difference. Although +there is no reproduction, still there are decided proofs of inferiority; +for instance, a hare or rabbit caught in a trap, will struggle till they +escape, with the loss of a leg; a fox, which is carnivorous, will do +more; he will _gnaw_ off his own leg to escape. Do they die in +consequence? no, they live and do well; but could a man live under such +circumstances? impossible. If you don't believe me, gnaw your own leg +off and try. And yet the conformation of the Mammalia is not very +dissimilar from our own; but man is the more perfect creature, and +therefore has not the same resources. + +I have hitherto referred only to the _limbs_ of animals; I will now go +further. I had a beautiful little monkey on board my ship. By accident +it was crushed, and received such injury that the backbone was divided +at the loins, and the vertebra of the upper part protruded an inch +outside of its skin. Such an accident in a man would have produced +immediate death; but the monkey did not die; its lower limbs were of +course paralysed. The vertebra which protruded gradually rotted off, +and in six weeks the animal was crawling about the decks with its fore +feet. It was, however, such a pitiable object, that I ordered it to be +drowned. Now, if we descend lower down in the scale until we come to +the reptiles and insects, we shall find not only that the loss of limbs +is not attended with death, but that the members are reproduced. Let +any one take a spider by its legs, it will leave them in your hands that +it may escape. Confine the animal under a glass, and in a few weeks it +will have all its members perfect as before. Lizards are still more +peculiar in their reproduction. I was at Madeira for many months, and +often caught the lizards which played about the walls and roofs of the +out-houses; and if ever I caught a lizard by the tail, he would make a +spring, and leave his tail in my hand, which seemed to snap off as +easily as would a small carrot. Now the tail of the lizard is longer +than its body, and a continuation of the vertebrae of the back. I soon +found out that lizards did not die from this extensive loss, but, on the +contrary, that their tails grew again. Even the first week afterwards, +a little end began to show itself, and in about two months the animal +had reproduced the whole. What I am about to say now will probably be +considered by some as incredible; they are, however, at full liberty to +disbelieve it. One day I was looking out of the window with the late +Tom Sheridan, who lived in the same house, and we observed on the roof +of the out-house a lizard with two tails, but neither of them full +grown; and we argued that, at the time the animal lost his tail, he must +have suffered some division of the stump. Being at that time a +naturalist, i.e. very cruel; I immediately caught a lizard, pulled off +his tail, notched the vertebra, and turned him loose again. Our +conjectures were right; the animal in two or three weeks had two tails +growing out like the one we had seen. I repeated this experiment +several times, and it always appeared to succeed; and all the two-tailed +lizards were called mine. + +Now this power of reproduction increases as you descend the scale; as an +instance, take the polypus, which is as near as possible at the bottom +of it. If you cut a polypus into twenty pieces, without any regard to +division, in a short time you will have twenty perfect polypi. + +Now the deductions I would draw from these remarks are-- + +That the most perfect animals are least capable of reproduction, and +most sensible of pain. + +That as the scale of nature descends, animals become less perfect, and +more capable of reproduction. + +Ergo--they cannot possibly feel the same pain as the more perfect. + +Now with respect to fish, they are very inferior in the scale of +creation, being, with the exception of the cetaceous tribe, which class +with the Mammalia, all cold-blooded animals, and much less perfect than +reptiles or many insects. The nervous system is the real seat of all +pain; and the more perfect the animal, the more complicated is that +system: with cold-blooded animals, the nervous organisation is next to +nothing. Most fish, if they disengage themselves from the hook, will +take the bait again; and if they do not, it is not on account of the +pain, but because their instinct tells them there is danger. Moreover, +it is very true, as Sir H. Davy observes, that fish are not killed by +the hook, but by the hooks closing their mouths and producing +suffocation. How, indeed, would it otherwise be possible to land a +salmon of thirty pounds weight, in all its strength and vigour, with a +piece of gut not thicker than three or four hairs? + +Upon the same grounds that I argue that fish feel very little +comparative pain, so do I that the worm, which is so low in the scale of +creation, does not suffer as supposed. Its writhings and twistings on +the hook are efforts to escape natural to the form of the animal, and +can be considered as little or nothing more. At the same time I +acknowledge and, indeed, prove, by my own arguments, that it is very +cruel to _bob for whale_. + +To suppose there are no gradations of feeling as well as of perfection +in the animal kingdom, would not only be arguing against all analogy, +but against the justice and mercy of the Almighty, who does not allow a +sparrow to fall to the earth without his knowledge. He gave all living +things for our use and our sustenance; he gave us intellect to enable us +to capture them: to suppose, therefore, at the same time, that he +endowed them with so fine a nervous organisation as to make them undergo +severe tortures previous to death, is supposing what is contrary to that +goodness and mercy which, as shown towards us, we are ready to +acknowledge and adore. + +I cannot finish this subject without making a remark upon creation and +its perfectibility. All _respectable_ animals, from man down to a +certain point in the scale, have their lice or parasites to feed upon +them. Some wit, to exemplify this preying upon one another, wrote the +following:-- + + "Great fleas have little fleas, + And less fleas to bite them, + These fleas have lesser fleas, + And so--_ad infinitum_." + +This, however, is not strictly true. Parasites attach themselves only +to the great. Upon those they can fatten. Having your blood sucked, is +therefore, a great proof of high heraldry and perfectibility in the +scale of creation. If animals were endowed with speech and pride like +man, we might imagine one creature boasting to another, as a proof of +his importance. + + "And I, too, also have my louse!" + + + +CHAPTER FIFTEEN. + + Liege, May 30th. +What strange meetings take place sometimes! I recollect once, when I +was sitting at a _table d'hote_, at Zurich, being accosted by a lady +next to me, and being accused of having forgotten her. I looked with +all my eyes, but could not discover that I had ever seen her before. At +last, after allowing me to puzzle for some time, she said: "Sir, you and +I met at dinner four years ago, at Mr K--'s house in Demerara." It was +very true; but who would have thought of running his memory over to +South America, to a cursed alluvial deposite, hatching monthly broods of +alligators, and surrounded by naked slaves, whilst out of the window +before him his eye rested upon the snow-covered mountains of +Switzerland, and he breathed the pure air of William Tell and liberty. +This morning I fell in with an acquaintance whom had not seen for years, +and him also I did not recollect. I am very unfortunate in that +respect, and I am afraid that I have very often given offence without +intending it; but so imperfect is my memory of faces, that I have danced +with a lady in the evening, and the next day have not known her, because +she was in a bonnet and morning dress. Sometimes the shifts I am put to +are quite ludicrous, asking all manner of questions, and answering those +put to me at random, to find out some clue as to who my very intimate +friend may be. They ought not to be angry at my forgetting their names, +for sometimes, for a few minutes, I have actually forgotten my own. It +does, however, only require one clue to be given me, and then all of a +sudden I recollect every thing connected with the party. I remember one +day as I was passing Whitehall, somebody came up, wrung my hand with +apparent delight, and professed himself delighted to see me. I could do +no other than say the same, but who he was, and where I had seen him +before, was a mystery. "I am married since we parted," said he, "and +have a fine little boy." I congratulated him with all my heart. "You +must come and see me, and I will introduce you to Mary." + +"Nothing would give me more pleasure;" but if he had only called his +wife Mrs So-and-so, I should have a _clue_. "Let me see," said I, +"where was it we parted?" + +"Don't you recollect?" said he, "At the Cape of Good Hope." + +But I was still mystified, and after putting several leading questions, +I found myself quite as much in the dark as ever. At last I asked him +for his card, that I might call upon him. He had not one in his pocket. +I pulled out my tablets, and he took out the pencil, and wrote down his +address; but that was of no use to me. + +"Stop, my good fellow, I have so many addresses down there, that I shall +be making some mistake; put your name down above it." + +He did so, and when I saw the name every thing came fast like a torrent +into my recollection; we _had been_ very intimate, and he was fully +justified in showing so much warmth. I could then talk to him about old +scenes, and old acquaintances; so I took his arm, and went forthwith to +be introduced to his Mary. The knowledge of this unfortunate failing +makes me peculiarly careful not to avoid a person who appears to know +me; and one day a very absurd scene took place. I was standing on some +door steps close to the Admiralty, waiting for a friend, and there was +another gentleman standing close to me, on the pavement. A third party +came up, extending his hand, and I immediately took it, and shook it +warmly,--although who my friend was, I was, as usual, very much puzzled +to find out. Now it so happened that the hand which I had taken was +extended to the gentleman standing by me, and not to me; and the party +whose hand I was squeezing looked me in the face and laughed. I did the +same, and he then gave his hand to the right party, and walked off. As, +however, we had said, "How d'ye do?" we had the politeness to say, +"Good-by;" both taking off our hats on the broad grin. + +I _was_ observing, that I here met with a person whom I could not +recollect, and, as usual, I continued to talk with him, trusting to my +good fortune for the clue. At last it was given me. "Do you recollect +the little doctor and his wife at Bangalore?" I did, and immediately +recollected him. As the story of the doctor and his wife has often made +me laugh, and as I consider it one of the best specimens of _tit for +tat_, I will narrate it to my readers. I have since been told that it +is not new--I must tell it nevertheless. + +A certain little army surgeon, who was stationed at Bangalore, had +selected a very pretty little girl out of an invoice of young ladies, +who had been freighted-out on speculation. She was very fond of gaiety +and amusement, and, after her marriage, appeared to be much fonder of +passing away the night at a ball than in the arms of her little doctor. +Nevertheless, although she kept late hours, in every respect she was +very correct. The doctor, who was a quiet, sober man, and careful of +his health, preferred going to bed early, and rising before the sun, to +inhale the cool breeze of the morning. And as the lady seldom came home +till past midnight, he was not very well pleased at being disturbed by +her late hours. At last, his patience was wearied out, and he told her +plainly, that if she staid out later than twelve o'clock, he was +resolved not to give her admittance. At this, his young wife, who, like +all pretty women, imagined that he never would presume to do any such +thing, laughed heartily, and from the next ball to which she was +invited, did not return till half-past two in the morning. As soon as +she arrived, the palanquin-bearers knocked for admittance; but the +doctor, true to his word, put his head out of the window, and very +ungallantly told his wife she might remain all night. The lady coaxed, +entreated, expostulated, and threatened; but it was all in vain. At +last she screamed, and appeared to be frantic, declaring that if not +immediately admitted, she would throw herself into the well, which was +in the compound, not fifty yards from the bungalow. The doctor begged +that she would do so, if that gave her any pleasure, and then retired +from the window. His wife ordered the bearers to take her on her +palanquin to the well; she got out, and gave her directions, and then +slipped away up to the bungalow, and stationed herself close to the +door, against the wall. The bearers, in obedience to her directions, +commenced crying out, as if expostulating with their mistress, and then +detaching a large and heavy stone, two of them plunged it into the +water; after which, they all set up a howl of lamentation. Now the +little doctor, notwithstanding all his firmness and _nonchalance_, was +not quite at ease when he heard his wife express her determination. He +knew her to be _very entetee_, and he remained on the watch. He heard +the heavy plunge, followed up by the shrieks of the palanquin-bearers. +"Good God," cried he, "is it possible?" and he darted out in his shirt +to where they were all standing by the well. As soon as he had passed, +his wife hastened in-doors, locked, and made all fast, and shortly +afterwards appeared at the window from which her husband had addressed +her. The doctor discovered the _ruse_ when it was too late. It was now +his turn to expostulate; but how could he "hope for mercy, rendering +none?" The lady was laconic and decided. "At least, then, throw me my +clothes," said the doctor. "Not even your slippers, to protect you from +the scorpions and centipedes," replied the lady, shutting the +"jalousie." At day-light, when the officers were riding their Arabians, +they discovered the poor little doctor pacing the verandah up and down +in the chill of the morning, with nothing but his shirt to protect him. +Thus were the tables turned, but whether this _ruse_ of the well ended +well,--whether the lady reformed, or the doctor conformed,--I have never +since heard. + + + +CHAPTER SIXTEEN. + + Liege, June 2. +The academy or college established at Liege in 1817 is very creditable +to the Liegeois. Much has been done in fifteen years: the philosophical +apparatus, collections of minerals and natural history, are all +excellent for instruction, although the minerals are not very valuable. +The fossils found in the Ardennes are very interesting, and ought to be +a mine of wealth to the Liegeois, as by exchanging them they might soon +have a valuable collection. It is a pity that the various museums of +Europe do not print catalogues, not of their own collections only, but +also of the duplicates which they can part with, so that they may be +circulated, not only among the national collections, but also among +private cabinets; by so doing they would all become more perfect. It is +currently reported that more duplicates have been allowed to perish in +the cellars of the British Museum than would have furnished all the +cabinets in Europe. It may be replied, that other cabinets had nothing +to offer in exchange; but that is only a surmise: and even if they had +not, they should have been presented to other institutions abroad. +Science ought not to be confined to country or people: it should be +considered as universal. + +To the college is annexed a botanical garden. There is nothing I +dislike more than a botanical garden. I acknowledge the advantages, +perhaps the necessity, of such institutions; but they always appear to +me as if there was disarrangement instead of arrangement. What may be +called order and classification seems to me to be disorder and +confusion. It may be very well to class plants and trees for study, but +certainly their families, although joined by man, were never intended to +be united by God. Such a mixture in one partition, of trees, and +shrubs, and creeping plants, all of which you are gravely told are of +one family. I never will believe it: it is unnatural. I can see order +and arrangement when I look at the majestic forest-trees throwing about +their wild branches, and defying the winds of heaven, while they afford +shelter to the shrubs beneath, which in their turn protect and shelter +the violets that perfume all around. This is beautiful and natural--it +is harmony; but in a botanical garden every thing is out of its place. +The Scripture says, "Those whom God hath joined let no man put asunder;" +may we not add, Those whom God hath sundered let no man presume to join. +I felt as I looked at the botanical garden as if it were presumptuous +and almost wicked, and as it was on the banks of the Meuse, I sat down +on the wall and recovered myself by looking at the flowing river, and +thinking about utility and futility, "and all that sort of thing and +everything else in the world," as poor Matthews used to say,--and there +I sat for an hour, until my thoughts revolved on the propriety of going +back and eating my dinner,--as Mrs Trollope used to do when she was in +Belgium. + +As I was walking about in the evening, I perceived a dirty little alley +illuminated with chandeliers and wax candles. There must be a ball, +thought I, or some gaiety going on: let us inquire. "No, sir," replied +a man to whom I put the question, "it's not a ball,--it is a Monsieur +who has presented to an image of the Virgin Mary which is up that court, +a petticoat, which, they say, is worth one thousand five hundred francs, +and this lighting-up is in honour of her putting it on." The race of +fools is not extinct, thought I. I wonder whether, like King Ferdinand, +he worked it himself. Belgium is certainly at this present the +stronghold of superstition. + + + +CHAPTER SEVENTEEN. + + June 3. +Went to Harquet's manufactory of arms, and was much amused. They export +all over the world, and the varieties they make up for the different +markets are astonishing. They were then very busy completing an order +for several thousand muskets for the Belgian troops, which load at the +breech and fire off without locks or priming. They showed me a +fowling-piece on the same principle, which they fired off under water. +But the low prices of the arms astonished me. There were a large +quantity of very long fowling-pieces with the _maker's_ name at +_Constantinople_, for the Turkish gentlemen, at thirty francs each: a +common musket was fourteen francs. I perceived in a corner a large +number of muskets, of infamous workmanship, and with locks resembling +those awkward attempts made two hundred years back. I asked what they +were for. They were for the South American market, and made to order, +for the people there would use no others: any improvement was eschewed +by them. I presume they had borrowed one of the Spanish muskets brought +over by Pizarro as a model, but, at all events, they were very cheap, +only eight francs each. God help us, how cheaply men can be killed +now-a-days! + +It is very seldom that you now meet with a name beginning with an X, but +one caught my eye as I was walking through the streets here. _Urban +Xhenemont, negociant_. I perceive there are still some to be found in +Greece; the only one I know of in England is that of Sir Morris Ximenes, +who, I presume, claims descent from the celebrated cardinal. The +mention of that name reminds me of the songs of the improvisatore, +Theodore Hook, and his address in finding a rhyme for such an awkward +name as Ximenes. Few possess the talent of improvising. In Italy it is +more common, because the Italian language admits the rhyme with so much +facility; but a good improvisatore is rare even in that country. There +was a Dutchman who was a very good improvisatore, a poor fellow who went +about to amuse companies with his singing and this peculiar talent. One +day a gentleman dropped a gold Guillaume into a glass of Burgundy, and +told him if he would make a good impromptu, he should have both the wine +and the gold: without hesitation he took up the glass, and suiting the +action to the word, sang as follows:-- + + "Twee Goden in een Glas, + Wat zal ik van maken? + K' steek Plutus in myn tas, + K slaak Bacchus in myn Kaken." + +Which may be rendered into French as follows:-- + + "Quoi! deux dieux dans un verre, + Eh bien! que vais-j'en faire? + J'empocherai Plutus, + J'avalerai Bacchus." + +The gentleman, who gave me this translation, also furnished me with a +copy of extempore French verses, given by a gentleman of Maestricht, who +was celebrated as an improvisatore. They certainly are very superior. +He was at a large party, and agreed to improvise upon any theme given +him by five of those present in the way of _Souvenir_. The first person +requested the souvenir of _early youth_. + + "Vous souvient-il? Amis de ma jeunesse, + Des beaux momens de nos fougueux exploits? + Quand la raison sous le joug de l'ivresse, + Essaye en vain de soutenir ses droits. + Ce tems n'est plus, cet age de folie, + Ou tout en nous est presse de jouir: + Mes bons amis, du printemps de la vie + Gardons toujours le joyeux _souvenir_." + +The next party requested a souvenir of the conscription, many of them, +as well as the poet, having been forced into the army of France. + + "Vous souvient-il? que plus tard, sous les armes + Plusieurs donons, designes par le sort, + Loin des parents; versant d'ameres larmes, + Allaient trouver ou la gloire ou la mort. + Ces jours de deuil par milliers dans l'histoire + Ne viendront plus, sur nous s'appesantir + Amis, volons an temple de Memoire + Effacons-en le sanglant _souvenir_." + +The third party requested a souvenir of his "first love." + + "Vous sonvient-il? de cet enfant de Guide + Fripon ruse, volage et seducteur; + Qui par les yeux d'une beaute timide, + D'un trait de feu veut nous frapper au coeur. + Du sentimens que sa fleche fit naitre, + Et que la mort peut seul aneantir, + Eternissons le ravissant bien-etre, + En conservant un si beau _souvenir_." + +The fourth proposed as a theme, the morning of his marriage. + + "Vous souvient-il? du jour ou l'hymenee + Vint nous dicter ses eternelles loix, + En attachant a notre destinee + L'objet sacre de notre premier choix. + Solennite qui par des voeux nous lie, + De saints devoirs chargeant notre avenir, + Solennite que le vulgaire oublie + Nous te gardons en pieux _souvenir_." + +The last party desired him to wind up with _friendship_. + + "Quel souvenir puis-je chanter encore, + Apres celui ne dans la volupte? + Il en est un que le tems corrobore, + C'est le premier elan de l'amitie. + Eh! qui de nous n'a pas dans sa jeunesse, + Livre son coeur a ses charmes puissants, + Sainte Amitie, jusqu'a dans la vieillesse, + Console-nous des ravages du tems." + +I should imagine that after the gentleman had finished all this, he must +have been pretty well out of breath. + +About four miles from Liege is the celebrated manufactory of Seraing, +belonging to Messrs. Cockerell. It is beautifully situated on the banks +of the Meuse, and was formerly the summer palace of the Prince +Archbishop. But it is not only here that you observe these symptoms of +the times--all over France you will perceive the same, and the major +portion of the manufactories have the arms of princes or nobles +emblazoned over the facade, while the interiors, which once were the +abode of refinement and luxury, are now tenanted by artisans and +appropriated to utility. The utilitarian system was, however, more +fully exemplified before the Belgian revolution, for William of Nassau +was, in fact, a partner of Mr Cockerell. Mr Cockerell, the father, +who is now dead, came over from England before the peace, bringing with +him either the machinery for spinning cotton, or the knowledge necessary +for its construction, so jealously guarded by our manufacturers. He +established himself at Liege, and soon gained patrons. The firm has now +three or four manufactories at Liege besides the one at Seraing. Large +as was the bishop's palace, it has been increased to about three times +its original size: it reminds me more of Portsmouth yard than any other +place. The number of workmen employed in this manufactory alone is +between fourteen and fifteen hundred. They make every variety of steam +engines, and not only supply this country, but Prussia, Austria, France, +and even Russia. People talk of Mr Cockerell having done much mischief +to his country by furnishing foreigners with the machinery which enabled +us to undersell them. I doubt it very much: I consider that the sooner +other countries are enabled to compete with us to a certain extent, the +better it will be for England. At present we are in an unhealthy state, +and chiefly arising from the unlimited use of machinery. Let us lose +that advantage, and, if not richer, at all events we shall be much +happier. We are now suffering under a plethora of capital at the same +time that we are oppressed with debt. As for Mr Cockerell, it may be +very well to cry out about patriotism, but the question is, would not +every other man have done the same? Had he not a right to bring his +talents to the best market? and before he is accused of having had no +regard for his country, it may first be fairly asked, what regard had +his country shown for him? + + + +CHAPTER EIGHTEEN. + + Spa, June 10. +Here we are, and for a time at rest. Rest! no, the wheels of the +carriage may rest, even the body for a time may rest, but the mind will +not. We carry our restlessness with us wherever we go. Like a +steam-engine, the mind works, and works, and works, sometimes, indeed, +with less rapidity of motion; but still it goes on, goes on in its +ever-continued labour; waking or sleeping, no repose; until the body, +which is the mechanical part of the engine, is worn out by constant +friction, or the steam of the mind is exhausted. And people tell you, +and believe that there is rest in the grave. How can that be? The soul +is immortal and cannot exist without consciousness. If not conscious, +it does not exist; and if conscious, it must work on, even beyond the +grave, and for ever. To assert that there is rest in the grave, is +denying the immortality of the soul. And what a contemptible, base +slave the body is to the soul! I was going to say that he could not +call his soul his own; but that would be a Catachresis, and I hate and +abominate every thing which begins with _cat_. It is singular that they +are all unpleasant, or unlucky, or unsafe; for instance-- + ++=============+=========================================+ +Ý Ýremind you of Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-acombs Ýdeath, funerals, and mummies. Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-alogue Ýsale of effects, some poor devil done up.Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-aplasm Ýa boil poulticed. Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-aract Ýsore eyes, Sam Patch, and devastation. Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-arrh Ýhead stuffed, running of the glands. Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-echism Ýequally unpleasant in youth and marriage.Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-egorical Ýargument, which is detestable. Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-erpillarsÝbeasts who foul nature. Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-erwaul Ýhorrid variety of love. Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat-gut Ýstreet music, hurdy-gurdy. Ý ++-------------+-----------------------------------------+ +ÝCat's-paw Ýa calm, with a prize in sight. Ý ++=============+=========================================+ + +As for a cat itself, I cannot say too much against it; and it is +singular, that the other meanings of the single word are equally +disagreeable; as to _cat_ the anchor, is a sign of _going to sea_, and +the _cat_ at the gangway is the worst of all. + +Five o'clock in the morning,--the sun has not yet appeared above the +hills, but the mist is rising gradually. The bell of the church in +front of my window is tolling;--it ceases; and the pealing of the organ, +with the chanting of the priests, comes distinct and clear upon my ear, +as the notes of the bugle over the still water, from some dashing +frigate in the Sound, beating off at sunset. How solemn and how +beautiful is this early prayer! The sun is rising, the mists of the +night are rolling off, and the voices and music resound at the same time +to heaven. The church is full, and many remain outside, uncovered, and +kneeling in humility. But who comes here, thought I, as a man in a +shabby coat walked to within a few yards of the church door, and laid +down his burden, consisting of a drum, a fiddle, a roll of canvass, a +chair, and a long pole. This is a curious stock in trade, methinks; how +in the name of all the saints do you gain your livelihood? This was +soon ascertained. A minute before the mass was over, he fixed his pole +upright in the ground, hung his canvass on it, and unrolled it, +displaying a picture divided in six compartments. He then hung his +fiddle to his button, took his drum, and putting his chair close to his +pole, stood upon it, giving a long, but not loud roll of his drum, which +he repeated at intervals, to attract attention. He had taken his +station with judgment; and as the people came out of church, he had soon +a crowd about him, when he commenced with crossing himself, and then +continued to explain the legend which was attached to his pictures on +the canvass. I could not hear all, but still I could understand enough +to fill up the rest. It was the wonderful cure performed by a certain +saint; and as he told the story, he pointed to the different +compartments with his fiddlestick, for he had laid aside his drum as +soon as he had collected an audience. Now and then he crossed himself +devoutly, and at last informed the crowd around him that he had the very +prayer, and the very remedy which had been prescribed. He then played +his fiddle, singing the prayer in a solemn chaunt; and then he pulled +out of his pocket a packet of little books and little boxes. They are +only one halfpenny each; and all that is necessary is, that they should +touch the figure of the saint on the canvass, to be imbued with the +necessary virtue. He sells them rapidly; each time that he puts them to +the canvass crossing himself, and insisting that the party who purchases +shall do the same. He takes his fiddle again, and sings the history of +the saint, pointing with his fiddlestick to the compartments of the +picture as he goes on; and now he pulls out more little books and more +boxes; and how fast they purchase them! The stock in trade in his own +possession is certainly of little value; but he possesses a fruitful +mine in the superstition of others. Ah, well! Are not those inside the +church setting him the example of mixing up religion with quackery? + +Spa is beautifully situated, between abrupt hills covered with verdure; +the walks cut in these hills are very beautiful, and much pains have +been taken to render the place agreeable;--no wonder, when we recollect +how many crowned heads have visited the place: but the sun of Spa has +set, probably never to rise again; for whatever may be the property of +its waters, to be frequented, a watering-place must be fashionable. +There are many causes for its desertion. One is, the effects of the +Belgian revolution. During the time that Belgium was attached to the +Netherlands, the king, with the prince and princess of Orange, came here +almost every year, bringing with them, of course, a great number of the +nobility; but now the nobility have deserted the court; and when Leopold +came here, no one followed. He was disgusted, and remained but a few +days. The Prussians used also to resort very much to Spa; but the king +of Prussia finding that so many young men were ruined at the +gaming-tables, and so much distress occasioned by it, with a most +fatherly despotism, has refused all the officers permission to visit +Spa, and has forbidden the medical men to recommend the waters. The +Russians also flocked in great numbers to Spa; but the emperor, although +very indifferent about their losing their money, is very particular +about his subjects gaining revolutionary opinions; and Spa being in a +revolutionary country, has been condemned: they may just as well ask to +go to Siberia, for that would probably be their route; and lastly, there +is one more cause which, these two last seasons, has had a powerful +effect, neither more nor less than a certain book, called the "_Bubbles +of the Brunnen_." I say for the last two seasons, for its influence +will not extend to a third, as hundreds and hundreds who have gone to +the Baths with the intention of passing this season, have already +returned in disgust. A word upon this. + +When Sir George Head published his "Bubbles," he set people almost as +mad as they were during the great "Bubble Mania;" and like all the +mining and other associations, they have proved but bubbles at last. It +is said that one hundred and thirty-five thousand passports were taken +out last year to go up the Rhine, by people who wished to see the pigs +go through their daily manoeuvres, to an unearthly solo on the horn, and +to witness the decapitation of the Seltzer-water bottles, which were +condemned as traitors. Now, so large an influx of people to these +German watering-places could have but one effect; that of a glorious +harvest to the innkeepers, and those who had lodgings to let. The +prices, at these places, have now become so enormous, that three florins +have been asked for a single bed, and everything else has risen in the +same proportion. The reaction has now begun to take place, and every +day and every hour we have carriages returning through Liege, and other +towns, from these watering-places, the occupants holding up their hands, +quite forgetting the pigs and bottles, and only exclaiming against +extortion, and everything German. They have paid too dear for their +whistle, as Franklin used to say; the bubble has burst, and they look +with regret at their empty purses. And yet, all that Head said in his +amusing book was true. He rambled through a verdant and unfrequented +lane, and described what he felt as he stopped to pick blackberries. An +immense multitude have followed him, the green lane has been beaten down +into a high road, and, as for blackberries, they are only to be procured +at the price of peaches in May. + +And now let us reflect whether the bubble will not also burst with the +Germans. Formerly they were contented with moderate profits, and +received their visitors with humility and thankfulness. Now, that they +have suddenly made large profits, they have become independent and +unceremonious; and, like most people, because they have reaped a golden +harvest for two years, they anticipate that it will continue. The value +of property at these places has risen, speculations have been entered +into on a large scale, provisions and the necessaries of life have +become dear; new houses are building against time, and the proprietors +smoke their pipes with becoming gravity, calculating upon their future +gains. But the company will fall off more and more each succeeding +year, although the speculations will continue; for people always find a +good reason for a bad season, and anticipate a better one the next. At +last, they will find that they are again deserted, and property will +sink in value to nothing; the reaction will have fully taken place, +prices will fall even lower than they were at first; honesty and +civility will be reassumed, although, probably, the principal will have +been lost. Thus will the bubble burst with them, as it has already with +deserted Spa. + +But when all idle people shall have visited all the bubbling fountains +of Germany, where are they to go next? There are some very nice springs +in Iceland not yet patronised; but although the springs there are hot, +the Springs, vernally speaking, are cold. I can inform travellers where +they will find out something new, and I advise them to proceed to the +boiling springs at Saint Michael's, one of the Western isles, and which +are better worth seeing than all the springs that Germany can produce. +I will act as _guide de voyage_. + +When you land at Saint Michael's, you will find yourself in one of the +dirtiest towns in the world, and will put up at one of the worst hotels; +however, you will have to pay just as dear as if lodged at the +Clarendon, and fed at the _Rocher de Cancale_. The town contains many +inhabitants, but more pigs. German pigs are not to be compared to them. +You must then hire donkeys and ascend to the mountains, and after a hot +ride, you will arrive at a small valley in the centre of the mountains, +which was once the crater of a volcano, but is now used by nature as a +kettle, in which she keeps hot water perpetually boiling for those who +may require it. There you will behold the waters bubbling and boiling +in all directions, throwing up huge white columns of smoke, brought out +in strong relief by the darker sides of the mountains which rear their +heads around you. The ground you tread upon trembles as you walk; you +feel that it is only a thin crust, and that in a moment you may sink +into the vast cauldron below, and have a hot bath without paying for it. +Continue along the valley, and you will find lakes of still, +deadly-cold water, with hot springs at their verge, throwing the smoke +over their surface, while they pour in their boiling water as if they +would fain raise the temperature; depositing sulphur in cakes and +crystals in their course. And in another spot there is a dark, +unfathomable hole, called the Devil's Mouth: you approach it, and you +hear low moanings and rumblings, as if nature had the stomach-ache; and +then you will have a sudden explosion, and a noise like thunder, and a +shower of mud will be thrown out to a distance of several yards. Wait +again; you will again hear the moans and rumblings, and in about three +minutes the explosion and the discharge will again take place; and thus +has this eternal diarrhoea continued ever since the memory or tradition +of man. + +Yet, upon this apparently insecure and dangerous spot have been erected +houses and baths, and it is resorted to by the fashionables of Saint +Michael's, who wish, by its properties, to get rid of certain cutaneous +disorders: for the whole air is loaded with sulphurous vapour, as the +eternal pot keeps boiling. + +Observe the advantages of this place:--you may have a bath as hot as you +please, as cold as you please, or you may have a mud _douche_, if you +have that buffalo propensity; and then you will have to rough it, which +is so delightful; you will find little or nothing to eat, and plenty of +bedfellows in all their varieties, a burning sun, and a dense +atmosphere, and you will be very delighted to get back again, which, +after all, is the _summum bonum_ to be obtained by travel. + +Not very far from this valley of hot water there is another valley, +containing four small lakes, and in those lakes are found the most +beautiful gold and silver fish, perhaps, in the world. How they came +there, Heaven only knows; but I mention this because there is a curious +coincidence. These lakes are known by the name of the Quadre Cidade, or +four cities. Now, if my readers will recollect, in the "Arabian +Nights," there is a story of a valley with four lakes, which were once +four cities, and that in these lakes were fish of various beautiful +colours, who were once the inhabitants. If I recollect right, when the +fish were caught and put into the frying-pan, they jumped up and made a +speech; (so would fish now-a-days, if they were not mute;) and the story +is told by a prince, whose lower extremities are turned into black +marble, very convenient, certainly, if he dined out every day, as he had +only his upper toilet to complete. This coincidence appeared to me to +be very curious, and had I had time and opportunity I certainly should +have fried four of these unfortunate fish, to ascertain whether they +were of the real breed spoken of in the Arabian Tales, of the +authenticity of which no one, I presume, will venture to doubt. + + + +CHAPTER NINETEEN. + + Spa, July 15. +What a curious history might be afforded by Spa and its gaming tables! +When Spa was in its glory, when crowned heads met and dukes were forced +to remain in their carriages for want of accommodation, when it was the +focus of all that was _recherche_ and brilliant, for Spa was so before +the French revolution, the gaming tables were a source of immense +profit; and to whom do you imagine that a great portion of the profits +belonged?--to no less a person than the most sacred and puissant prince, +the Bishop of Liege, who derived a great revenue from them. But it +would appear as if there was a judgment upon this anomalous secular +property, for these gaming-tables were the cause of the Prince Bishop +losing all, and being driven out of his territories. There were two +gaming establishments at Spa, the Redoubt in the town, and the Vauxhall +about a quarter of a mile outside of it. The Redoubt is a fine +building, with splendid ball-rooms and a theatre, but you must go +_through the gaming-rooms_ to enter either the ball-room or the theatre. +The Vauxhall has no theatre, but the rooms are even more spacious; but +when Spa was at its zenith, even these two immense edifices were barely +sufficient for the company. Both these establishments were under the +same proprietors, and it so happened that the English nobility, who were +always a very strong party here, were displeased with the conduct of the +lessees, and immediately raised funds for the building of a second +Vauxhall. The bishop ordered the building to be discontinued, but, as +by the privileges granted by former bishops, this was a violation of the +rights of the Liegeois, his order was disregarded, and the Vauxhall now +known by the name of _the Vauxhall_, was finished. When finished, the +bishop would not permit it to be opened, but his commands being +disregarded, he came down with two hundred soldiers and two pieces of +cannon and took possession. This created a revolution, and the bishop +was ultimately obliged to fly his territory and seek assistance. The +Prussians marched an army into the city, and there was apparent +submission, but as soon as they quitted, the insurrection again took +place, and the bishop was forced again to solicit aid from the +Austrians, for Prussia would no longer interfere. Metternich, who was +so fond of legitimacy that he considered the gaming-tables a legitimate +source of revenue to the apostle, marched in an Austrian army, and +hundreds were slaughtered that the bishop might obtain his rights. Such +was the state of affairs when the French revolution broke out and +convulsed Europe, and the province of Liege was among the very first to +receive with open arms the _bonnet rouge_ and to join themselves with +France, and thus did the bishop lose his beautiful province for ever. +As far as Liege was concerned, the French revolution proved a blessing. +It certainly was a disgraceful finale to an ecclesiastical power, which, +as I have before mentioned, had formerly led the van in the march of +Christianity and liberty. + +But it appears that the clergy are fated to have an interest in these +gaming-tables, the stipend of the English resident clergyman being, even +now, paid out of their profits; for when Belgium was made over to the +Netherlands, King William assumed his right to the bishop's former share +of the profits of the tables, and of course brought as many people down +here as he could to _lose their money_, as he pocketed his _thirds_. +Since the revolution, Leopold is in King William's shoes, but there are +little or no profits, as Spa is deserted and the expenses of the +establishments are great. Perhaps there is no spot of ground in +Europe--I will not except Paris--where so much money has been lost by +gaming as at Spa. I was walking with a friend who pointed out to me a +small pavilion in a garden. "There," says he, "the Prince of Orange, +who played very deeply, lost to a Spanish gentleman those very jewels +that were pretended to be stolen. It was well got up in the papers, but +that is the real truth." How far it may be the truth or not, I cannot +pretend to say, and only know that in Spa you cannot pick your teeth +without all the world knowing it, and that this is fully believed at Spa +to be the real truth of the disappearance of the splendid jewels of the +princess, which have since been redeemed from the Spanish gentleman, who +now resides at the Hague. + +Gaming has always been held up in abhorrence as a vice; but it is rather +a passion strongly implanted by nature, and abhorrent from the dreadful +effects produced by its overpowering influence, than a vice _per se_. +Life itself is a lottery, and the best part of our life is passed in +gambling. It is difficult to draw the line between gambling and +speculation, for every speculation is a gambling transaction. Is not +the merchant a gambler? in fact, is not every venture an act of +gambling? As for the Stock Exchange, it is the very worst species of +gambling. All we can say is, that gambling may be legitimate or +otherwise; that is, there are species of gambling which may enrich the +individual if he is fortunate, but whether it enriches him or not, at +all events it is beneficial to the community at large. A merchant +speculates--he sends out manufactures of every description: he fails, +and is ruined: but the artisans have procured employment for their +industry, and, although the merchant fails, the community at large has +benefited. This is legitimate gambling; but do people in business stop +there? No: they will agree to deliver so many thousands of casks of +tallow or tons of hemp at such and such a time and at a certain price, +whatever the price may then be. They cannot complete their engagement, +and they are ruined; but in this instance, which is simply termed +speculation, we have quite as much gambling as if the money were at once +laid down on the table, and the chances decided in an hour instead of so +many months. But there is this difference, that this party does not +injure his character by such a transaction, whereas, if he lost his +money at the gaming-table he would. The English are, with the exception +of the Americans, the most gambling nation under heaven; naturally so, +because they are the greatest mercantile nation. The spirit of gambling +is innate, and when directed into the proper channel it becomes +enterprise. It is doubtless a great moral error on the part of a +government to encourage vice with the view of increasing the revenue, +but, at the same time, there is no tax so well laid on as that which is +imposed on vice. Again, there are certain propensities in man which +cannot be overcome, and which, if attempted to be wholly eradicated by +legal enactments, would occasion more evil still. All that a judicious +government can or should attempt to effect is, to restrain them within +proper bounds, to regulate them, and as much as possible to keep them +out of sight, that the virus may not extend. It is well known, that +certain houses are licensed by the magistrates, because, it being +impossible to eradicate the vice, they can do no more than to separate +it, that it may not be communicated to the healthier part of the +community. Now upon this principle, which is the true principle of +sound legislation, I have often thought that it was a great error in our +legislature when they consented to put down the public lotteries in +England. I am convinced that they were beneficial, acting as +safety-valves to the gambling spirit of the nation, and that their +prohibition has been productive of much crime and misery. The spirit of +gambling cannot be eradicated; it ought, therefore, to be kept within +due bounds. There was one great advantage in the English lottery; it +was drawn but once a year, and those who purchased the tickets were +content to remain quiet until their success was made known. The +chances, although very distant, of so high a prize, satisfied the spirit +of gambling; if they lost, they purchased again, and waited patiently +for another year, trusting to be more fortunate. Now, although they +gambled, they did not acquire the _habit_ of gaming. What has been the +consequence since the lotteries have been abolished? that there are +hells of every description established throughout the metropolis, from +those which admit the stake of a shilling, to Crockford's splendid +Pandemonium; and those who were formerly content with a lottery ticket, +now pass their evenings away from their families, and ruin themselves in +a very short time. The lottery never ruined any one. The sum staked +might be large for the circumstances of the parties, but it was a yearly +stake, and did not interfere with the industry, the profits, or the +domestic happiness of the year. One half the tradesmen who now appear +in the "Gazette," have been ruined by frequenting the low hells with +which the metropolis abounds. From the above considerations, I do not +think it was advisable to abolish the lotteries. + +The next question is one upon which I hesitate to offer an opinion; but +it is worthy of consideration how far it may be advisable to license and +tax gaming-houses. Were it possible to put them down altogether, the +question need not be discussed; but it is impossible. Has any +magistrate ventured to interfere with Crockford's, where it is well +known that the highest gaming is carried on every night? Are you not +permitted to walk through the club at any hour of the day? Do they not +have the tables exposed to the view of every one? Yet who has +interfered, although you find that the smaller hells are constantly +broken in upon, and the parties had up to the police-office? Are not +the laws made for all? Is that an offence in the eyes of government in +a poor man which is not one in the rich? Yet this is the case: and why +so? Because the rich will game, and the government cannot prevent them. +Has not a man a right to do as he pleases with his own money? You +legalise the worst of gambling on the Stock Exchange, for a man can +there risk what he cannot pay: you cannot control the gaming of the +race-course, and yet you would prevent a man from gambling after his own +fashion. You wink at the higher classes ruining themselves, and you +will not permit the middle classes. Now the consequence of not having +licensed tables is, that you have no control over them, and the public, +who will play, are the dupes of rascals who cheat in every way: whereas, +if a certain number were licensed and controlled, those who play would +have a better chance, and the licensed tables taxed by government would +take care to put down all others who were not. We must legislate for +society as it is, not as it ought to be; and, as on other points, we +have found it necessary to submit to the lesser evil of the two, it is a +question whether in this also we might not do better by keeping within +due bounds that which it is impossible to prevent. + +I was amused with an anecdote told me to-day. An Englishman and a +Frenchman arrived at Spa in the same diligence. They both took up their +quarters at the same hotel, but from that moment appeared to have no +further intimacy. + +"Do you see that fellow?" would the Englishman say, pointing at the +Frenchman, "I know him, and he's a confounded rogue. I recommend you to +be shy of him." + +"Voyez-vous cet Anglais?" said the Frenchman as the Englishman passed +by. "Gardez-vous en bien; c'est un coquin superieur." + +Thus did they continue to warn the company of each other, until the +close of the season, when one fine day they both went off together in +the diligence, leaving all their debts unpaid, and their trunks and +portmanteaus for the benefit of the landlord of the hotel, who, on +opening them, found them to contain nothing but stones and rubbish. +This was a new species of holy alliance, but the _ruse_ was by no means +ill advised. When you hear a man constantly proclaiming the roguery of +another, you are too apt to give him credit for honesty in his own +person. Thus, with those whom each party associated and dealt with, +they obtained a credit for honesty, which enabled them to succeed in +their roguish endeavours. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY. + + Ostend. +From Spa to Liege, from Liege to Brussels, from Brussels to Ostend, how +detestable it is to go over the same ground again and again! only to be +imposed upon and cheated again and again. What a weary world this is, +and what a rascally one! How delightful a little honesty would be, by +way of a change! Of all the rascality spread like butter on bread over +the surface of the globe, certainly the butter lies thicker on the +confines of each territory. There is a concentration of dishonesty at +the ports of embarkation and debarkation. Take London when you land +from a steam-boat, or Dover, or Calais, or Ostend. It is nothing but a +system of extortion or over-reaching. And why so? because in the hurry, +the confusion, the sickness, and the ignorance of what is right, +everything that is wrong can be practised with impunity. These preyers +upon mankind at the confines, remind you of the sharks in India, who +always ply _in the surf_, where their motions cannot be seen, and the +unwary are invariably their prey. I have knocked three down already, +and one would imagine they would hasten for redress; but they will not, +for that would take hours, and during these hours they will lose the +opportunity of making their harvest, so they get up again, and pocket +the affront, that they may not lose time in filling their pockets. +Talking about roguery, there was a curious incident occurred some time +back, in which a rascal was completely outwitted. A bachelor gentleman, +who was a very superior draftsman and caricaturist, was laid up in his +apartments with the gout in both feet. He could not move, but sat in an +easy chair, and was wheeled by his servant in and out of his chamber to +his sitting-room. Now a certain well-known vagabond ascertained the +fact, and watched until the servant was sent upon a message. The +servant came out of the front door, but left the area door open, +communicating with the kitchen. Down went the vagabond, entered the +kitchen, and walked up stairs, where, as he anticipated, he found the +gentleman quite alone and helpless. + +"I am sorry, sir, to see you in this situation," said the rogue; "you +cannot move, and your servant is out." + +The gentleman stared. + +"It is excessively careless of you to leave yourself so exposed, for +behold the consequences. I take the liberty of removing this watch and +these seals off the table, and putting them into my own pocket; and, as +I perceive your keys are here, I shall now open these drawers, and see +what suits my purpose." + +"Oh! pray help yourself, I beg," replied the gentleman, who was aware +that he could do nothing to prevent him. + +The rogue did so accordingly; he found the plate in the sideboard +drawer, and many other articles which suited him, and in about ten +minutes, having made up his bundle, he made the gentleman a very low +bow, and decamped. But the gentleman had the use of his hands, and had +not been idle; he had taken an exact likeness of the thief with his +pencil, and on his servant returning soon after, he despatched him +immediately to Bow Street with the drawing, and an account of what had +happened. The likeness was so good, that the man was immediately +identified by the runners, and was captured before he had time to +dispose of a single article purloined. He was brought to the gentleman +in two hours afterwards, identified, the property found on him sworn to, +and, in six weeks, he was on his passage to Botany Bay. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY ONE. + + London, November. +We have the signs of the times here. I peep through the fog and see +quite enough to satisfy me that the prosperity is but partial. Money in +plenty, but lying in heaps--not circulated. Every one hugs his bag, and +is waiting to see what the event may be. Retrenchment is written up as +evident as the prophetic words of fire upon the walls of Belshazzar's +palace--_To let--to let--to let_. Leave London in any direction, and +you find the same mystical characters every one hundred yards of the +road. This beautiful villa, this cottage ornee, this capital house with +pleasure-grounds, this mansion and park--all--all to let. It is said +that there are upwards of seven thousand of these country seats to let +within twelve miles of the metropolis. Again, look at the arms of the +carriages which still roll through the streets, and you will perceive +that if not with a coronet or supporters, nine out of ten have the +widow's _lozenge_. And why so? because they belong to the widows of +those who died in the times of plenty, and who left them large jointures +upon their estates. They, of course, can still support and even better +support, the expense; but the estates now yield but sufficient to pay +the jointure, and the incumbent swallows up the whole. And where are +the real owners of the properties? At Paris, at Naples, at Brussels, if +they can afford to be in a Capital--if not, dispersed over Belgium, +Switzerland, and Italy--retrenching in other countries, or living more +comfortably upon their incomes. How many millions, for it does amount +to millions, are now spent on the continent, enriching the people of +other countries, and in all probability laying up for those countries +the sinews for another war to be directed against England! How much of +wretchedness and starvation has been suffered in our own country within +these few years, which, if our people had not been living abroad, might +never have been felt! Where are the elite of our aristocracy? Where +are our country gentlemen who used to keep open house at their estates, +disseminating their wealth and producing happiness? All driven abroad-- +society disjointed--no leader of fashion to set the example, by +luxurious entertainments, of disseminating that wealth which ultimately +finds its way into the greasy pocket of the labourer or mechanic. Shops +opened late and closed early. Gin palaces, like hell, ever open to a +customer. The pulse of London hardly beats--it is perceptible, but no +more. Nothing is active but the press, and the pressure from without. +But who would remain ten days in London in the month of November, when +he can go away, without he had serious thoughts of suicide? Candles at +high noon, yellow fogs, and torches in mid-day, do not suit me, so I'm +off again to a purer atmosphere. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY TWO. + + Spa, June 30. +Yesterday I fell in with two old friends, who, from a mere "truant +disposition," joined perhaps with a little good will towards me, came +over to Spa. As soon as their arrival had been announced, I went to +them, and at their request joined their dinner. After our first +greetings, B--, who not only appears, but really is, a man of fashion, +in the best sense of the term, wanted his snuff-box. It was in his +bed-room, and his bed-room was locked by the servant, who had taken the +key and gone out. The consequence was, that B-- had to wait some time, +and until the man came back. I have always had a great aversion to a +valet when constantly moving about on the Continent, as a single man; +and, although I do not now, as I used to do when a midshipman, brush my +own clothes and black my own shoes, yet I like independence, in every +thing, and infinitely prefer doing anything myself, to being waited +upon; for, generally speaking, it is the master who waits and not the +man. + +"I wonder you bother yourself with such a travelling appendage, B--," +observed I, giving him a pinch of snuff to quiet his impatience. "I +have never lately travelled with one." + +"My dear fellow--the comfort of it--you have no idea. It would be +impossible to get on without one." + +"Quite impossible," observed W--, my other acquaintance. + +"I have been brought up in a school in which the word impossible has +been erased from the language." + +"Well, but the comfort of it. When you arrive, dirty and dusty, your +portmanteau opened, all your articles of dress laid out." + +"I can do all that myself sooner than he can; and, as I must wait till +it be done, I may as well do it myself." + +"Yes, so you may, but then the security; every thing locked up, which, +in a strange hotel, is so necessary." + +I lock my own room, and know where to find the key when I come in. + +"Very likely; but still it is impossible to travel comfortably without a +valet." + +"Quite impossible," rejoined W--. + +"Be it so," replied I; "we differ in opinion. All I can say is, that +necessary as a valet is when stationary, he is a nuisance when you +travel _en garcon_." + +The conversation dropped, and we sat down to dinner; the time passed +away, as it always does, when old friends, who respect and like each +other, meet, after an absence of some months. After dinner we smoked +cigars; and, as the evening advanced, there were none left on the table. +B-- rang the bell for his servant to procure others; the servant had +gone out and was no where to be found, and for _security_ had locked the +bed-room door and taken the key with him. So we drank our claret, and +waited for his return. "Thinks I to myself"--but I said nothing. At +last, we waited till past twelve o'clock; but the gentleman's gentleman +was no where to be found. B-- was angry with the man, W-- had thrown +himself on the sofa. He wished to go to bed after a long day's travel; +but his key was also, for security, in the valet's pocket, who had been +searched for every where without success. B-- begged me not to remain +out of politeness; but I did remain not out of politeness, but of +"_malice_," as the French term it. "I had too much pleasure in their +company to think of leaving them;" and we continued to sip +brandy-and-water. At last, three o'clock came, B-- was out of all +patience, W-- snoring on the sofa, and I, quite delighted. The sun +should have poured his beams upon us before I would have gone away. The +bell was rung, but in vain, for the waiters would wait no longer. It +was proposed to send for a menuisier to pick the lock; but how was one +to be found at three o'clock in the morning? At last the valet, drunk +and reeling in his morning jacket, entered the room. "The keys the +keys!" demanded B-- in wrath. + +"The key!" roared W--, who had woke up. + +"I have them," replied the valet, with a most knowing leer, facetiously +smiling. "I have them--all safe--all right, gentlemen. Here they are," +continued the man, pulling them out, and presenting them as if he had +done a very clever thing. "Here they are, you see." + +The man was too tipsy to be expostulated with, and the gentlemen took +their keys in silence. "And now," said I, "gentlemen, I wish you a very +good night. You have fully established the extreme _comfort_ of a +travelling valet, and the impossibility of doing without one." It was a +glorious victory, although to get _out_ of the house I had to open a +window and leap from it, and to get _into_ my own house at that hour was +even more difficult. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY THREE. + +I have been reading Jesse's "Gleanings." Is he quite correct? I have +my doubts. In one point I certainly do not agree with him, in his +favourite opinion of cats. I do, however, know an instance of misplaced +affection in a cat, which, although it does not add to the moral +character of the race, is extremely curious for more reasons than one, +and as it happened in my own family, I can vouch for its authenticity. +A little black spaniel had five puppies, which were considered too many +for her to bring up. As, however, the breed was much in request, her +mistress was unwilling that any of them should be destroyed, and she +asked the cook whether she thought it would be possible to bring a +portion of them up by hand before the kitchen fire. In reply, the cook +observed that the cat had that day kittened, and that, perhaps, the +puppies might be substituted for her progeny. The experiment was made, +two of the kittens were removed, and two puppies substituted. The cat +made no objections, took to them kindly, and gradually all the kittens +were taken away, and the cat nursed the two puppies only. Now, the +first curious fact was, that the two puppies nursed by the cat were, in +a fortnight, as active, forward, and playful, as kittens would have +been: they had the use of their legs, barked, and gambolled about; while +the other three, nursed by the mother, were whining and rolling about +like fat slugs. The cat gave them her tail to play with, and they were +always in motion; they very soon ate meat, and long before the others +they were fit to be removed. This was done, and the cat became very +inconsolable. She prowled about the house, and on the second day of +tribulation fell in with the little spaniel, who was nursing the other +three puppies. + +"O ho!" says Puss, putting up her back, "it is you who have stolen my +children." + +"No," replied the Spaniel, with a snarl, "they are my own flesh and +blood." + +"That won't do," said the cat, "I'll take my oath before any justice of +peace that you have my two puppies." + +Thereupon issue was joined, that is to say, there was a desperate +combat, which ended in the defeat of the spaniel, and the cat walking +proudly off with one of the puppies, which she took to her own bed. +Having deposited this one, she returned, fought again, gained another +victory, and redeemed another puppy. Now it is very singular that she +should have only taken two, the exact number she had been deprived of. +Does this not prove to a certain extent the power of calculating numbers +in animals? and does not the precocity of the two puppies brought up by +the cat, infer there is some grounds for the supposition that with the +milk is imbued much of the nature and disposition of the mother? A few +experiments made on these points would be interesting, and we should +have a new science, that of _lacteology_, to add to craniology, in our +nurture and rearing of the species. + +This reminds me of a singular fact, little known. The Burmahs, who are +disciples of Gaudma, equally with the inhabitants of Pegu and Syriam, +whose country they have conquered, worship the White Elephant, who is +considered as a god. There have been but three white elephants since +the foundation of the Burmah dynasty by Alompraa. The first one is +dead, and I have one of his teeth carved with figures, which was +consecrated to the great Dagon Pagoda. The second now _reigns_--he is +attended by hundreds, wears a howdah, or cloth, studded with precious +stones; which is said to be worth a million of money. He also wears his +bangles or armlets on each leg, and fares sumptuously every day. White +elephants are very scarce; the colour is occasioned by a disease in the +animal, a species of leprosy. Any elephant hunter in these countries, +who is fortunate enough to capture a white elephant, is immediately +created a noble, and advanced to high honour and wealth. The third +white elephant, of which I am about to speak particularly, and who may +be considered as the heir apparent, was taken a few months previous to +our declaring war against the Burmahs. He was very young; his mother +had been killed, and he yet required partial nourishment. He was +brought to Rangoon, established in one of the best houses in the place, +and an edict was sent forth from the capital, ordering that twenty-four +of the most healthy young married women should be dedicated to his +wants, and if they fell off in powers of nourishment, be replaced by +others. This was considered an honour--for were they not nursing a +_God_? Major Canning, the political agent, who went to see this curious +spectacle, described it to me as follows: "The animal was not above +three feet and a few inches high, its colour was a dirty grey, rather +than white; it was very healthy, playful, and in good spirits. When I +went into the room, which was very spacious, and built of teak-wood, the +twenty-four nurses were sitting or lying on mats about the room, some +playing at draughts and other games, others working. The elephant +walking about, looking at them, and what they were doing, as if he +understood all about it. After a short time, the little deity felt +hungry, and, with his trunk he pushed some of the women, but to annoy +him they would not yield to his solicitations. When he became angry, +and was too rough for them, they submitted, and he put his trunk round +their waists in the most affectionate manner, while he was supplying +himself." I did not see the animal myself, as immediately that they +heard of our arrival at the mouth of the river, they despatched him +under a strong guard to a place of security. But I should like to +ascertain hereafter, whether his nurture made him a more reasonable +being than are elephants in general. + +How one's thoughts fly away over time and space! What a rush of +incidents crowd into my memory, merely from having mentioned this +circumstance of the white elephant. I did once intend to have written a +narrative of what passed during our sojourn in that country, for I saw +more of the inhabitants than most people; but others have forestalled +me, and it is now too late. Nevertheless, it will perhaps amuse the +reader, if, without entering into the military details, I mention a few +of the operations and scenes which then occurred. It shall be so then, +and we will discourse a little about the Burmahs. + +An Armenian merchant who resided there told me a story one day which was +curious. The King of Pegu was possessed of the most splendid ruby in +the world, both as to size and colour. This was well known; it was the +boast of the nation. When the Burmahs subdued the kingdom of Pegu, the +old king with all his family were taken prisoners, vast treasure was +also captured, but the great ruby was not to be found, notwithstanding +the torture and beheading of thousands. With the usual barbarity of +these countries, the old king, a miserable paralytic little man, was +stripped naked and confined in an iron cage, which I saw when I was at +Rangoon. In this confinement he lived for ten or twelve years, every +festival day being brought out and exposed to the derision of the +populace. At last he died, and his body was thrown out to be devoured +by the dogs and birds of prey. One of the soldiers who assisted to drag +the body out of the cage, turned it over with his foot, and perceived +that his right hand grasped a hump of _damma_, (a sort of pitch,) which +curiosity induced the Burmah to force out with the point of his spear. +This had been observed before, but the Burmahs, who are very +superstitions and carry about them all sorts of charms, imagined it to +be a charm for his paralysis or palsy with which he was afflicted, and +therefore had allowed him to retain it. But when the Burmah took it up, +the weight of it convinced him that it was not all damma: he examined +it, and found that it was the great ruby of the Pegu kingdom which had +been lost, and which the old man had for so many years, in a state of +nudity and incarceration, held in his left hand. I asked one of the +Burmah chiefs whether this ruby now in the possession of the King of Ava +was so fine as represented: his answer was in truly Eastern +hyperbole--"Dip it in the Irrawaddy," said he, (that is, an enormous +river seven hundred miles long and in many parts several miles broad,) +"and the whole water will turn to blood." + +I have said that the Burmahs are very superstitious: they have a great +variety of charms which they wear about their persons, but there is one +custom of theirs which is very singular. They polish rubies; that is, +without cutting them in _facettes_, but merely the stone, whatever its +primitive shape, is rubbed down on every side until it is perfectly +smooth. They then make an incision in the flesh, generally the arm or +leg, put in the ruby and allow the skin to heal over it, so that the +stone remains there. Soldiers and sailors in search of plunder will +find out any thing, and this practice of the Burmahs was soon +discovered; and after the assault and carrying of a stockade, you would +see the men passing their hands over the bodies, and immediately they +felt a rising in the limb, out with their knives and cut in for the +rubies. Indeed, the plunder was more considerable than might be +imagined, for every Burmah carried all his wealth about his person. + +Another singular custom arising from their superstition prevails among +this people. The king has a corps denominated _Invulnerables_, whose +ranks are filled up in this manner:--when a criminal is condemned to +death for certain offences, such as robbery, he is permitted to +challenge as an _invulnerable_. This is proved by his standing at a +certain distance from several men who fire at him with ball. Should he +not be wounded or killed, he is pronounced an invulnerable and enrolled +in the corps. In every stockade we attacked, there were always one or +two of these men, and they really appeared to believe in their own +powers. They generally stood above the timbers of the stockade, dancing +and capering as the boats advanced, and continued their extravagance +amidst a shower of bullets, exposing their persons in a most undaunted +manner. There was one fellow who, dressed in a short red jacket, and +nothing else except the cloth round his loins, who was well known to our +men; they called him _Happy Jack_, from the capers which he used to cut, +and somehow or another it was his good fortune never to be hit, at +least, not that we know of, for taking stockade after stockade, at every +fresh attack there was Happy Jack to be seen capering and shouting as +usual, and never ceasing to expose himself until the troops had landed +and were about to scale the fortress. It was quite amusing to hear the +men shout out with laughter, "By heavens, there's Happy Jack again." I +hope he is alive at this moment; at all events, he deserves to be. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR. + + Spa. +Yes, now Spa is agreeable: we have no _redoubte_ open with fools losing +their money, no English _passants_ looking after amusement, no +valetudinarians drinking the _poupon_, no Spa boxes crowding every +window: we are now as a Spa should be, a _coterie_ of houses in a +ravine, surrounded by the mountains of the Ardennes, crowding and +shoving up together in mutual protection against the deep snow and the +forest wolves. There is something new in this: most of the houses are +shut up; the shop-windows are all bare; the snow is two feet deep in the +streets; the mountains on every side are white; the icicles hang upon +the leafless boughs, and the rivulets are enchained. All is one drear +blank; and except the two-horse diligence which heaves slowly in sight +three or four hours past its time, and the post, (which is now delivered +at nine o'clock instead of noon); there is no such thing as an arrival: +the boys slide upon their little sledges down the hills; the cattle are +driven home; the church clock strikes; and unless we are enlivened by +the crowd assembled round the countryman, who appears with the carcass +of a wolf which he has been fortunate enough to kill, we are all quiet, +monotony and peace: in fact, Spa, now that it is a desert, has become to +me, at least agreeable. + +They say, this hard winter promises plenty of wolves; if so, I recommend +those who are fond of excitement come here. Indeed, it will be +profitable, for if they are active huntsmen, they can pay their +expenses. A dead horse costs little, and in Spa, as they give very +little to the horses to eat in summer, and nothing at all in the winter, +they die fast. You have only to drag the carcass to an outhouse at a +little distance from the town, and with your rifle watch during the +night. The wolves will come down to prey upon the carrion, and it is +hard if you do not kill your couple during the night, and then you are +rewarded by the commune. I do not know what the price is now, but when +the King of Holland was in possession of Belgium it was one hundred +francs for a male, and three hundred francs for a female wolf. Now a +brace a night, four hundred francs, or sixteen pounds, is not a bad +night's earning: in Spa it would keep a half-pay officer for three +months. There is a curious story here, proving the sagacity of a wolf +which came down an hour before dusk into the town, and made off with a +child of two years old in her mouth. The cry was raised, and the +pursuit immediate. After following her track for many miles, she gained +upon them, it became quite dark, and the people returned homewards, +melancholy at the fate of the poor child. When they were about half way +back, they heard the wail of an infant, and, guided by it, they arrived +at a thick bush, where they found the child alive and unhurt. The wolf, +finding that her pursuers gained upon her, had deposited the child +there, intending to return and make a meal of it upon a more favourable +opportunity. + +We have had nothing to excite us within these last few days but the +death and burial of an old curate. He died in all the odour of sanctity +three days ago, and was buried yesterday. He was not loved or even +liked, for he wanted that greatest of all gifts--charity. His situation +was worth, with offerings, six thousand francs a year,--a large sum in +this country: but he did not give to the poor; he exacted from them, and +they religiously obeyed him, no one killing a pig or anything else +without a present of part of it to the curate. When the old man was +told that he could not live, the ruling passion still governed him. He +sent for a person to dispose of for him the sundry pieces of pork which +he had gathered as presents, then took the extreme unction, and died. +His will is not known, but he is supposed to be very rich, and whether +he leaves his wealth to some nephews, or to support a hospital here +which is at present without funds, is a question of some interest. He +was buried in great parade and procession, followed by hundreds holding +candles. He was dressed in his best, and every one said that he never +looked so clean or so well in his life. He was carried on an open +_brancard_, with his canonical hat on his head, the snow fell fast and +settled on his face and clothes, but he felt it not. The funeral was as +cold as his charity, the thermometer being exactly 130 below the +freezing point. Except the procession of the dead curate and of a dead +wolf, we have had nothing to interest us for the last ten days. + +But I promised to talk about the Burmahs. There have been two or three +accounts of the military movements, but there has been no inquiry or +examination into the character of the people, which, in my opinion, is +of more importance than is generally supposed; for although the East +India Company may imagine that they have done with the Burmahs, it is my +conviction that the Burmahs have not done with them, and even I may live +to witness the truth of my assertion. + +It certainly is a point of some interest to ascertain from whence the +Burmah nation originally came: that they are not aborigines, I think +most certain. They are surrounded by the Cochin Chinese, the Chinese, +and the Hindoos, all races of inferior stature and effeminate in person, +with little or no beard. Now the Burmahs are a very powerful race, very +muscular in their limbs, possessing great strength and energy: generally +speaking, I should say, that they are rather taller than Europeans. +They have the high cheek bones of the Tatar, but not the small eyes; +they have strong hair and beards, and certainly would remind you of a +cross between the Jew and the Tatar. This is singular; and it gave the +idea to some of those who are fond of indulging in theory, that they +might be the remnants of that portion of the Jews who, when permitted to +leave Babylon, instead of going east with the others, bent their course +to the westward and were never spoken of afterwards. But the only props +they had to this argument were the appearance of the people, the weight +in silver being called the _tekel_ or shekel, and the great pagoda +having the name of the _Dagon_ pagoda. At least I heard of no more to +support the argument but those three, which can hardly be sufficient, +although the coincidence of the two words is singular. + +The Burmahs are semi-barbarous: but this term must be used in the most +favourable light; because, surrounded on every side by people who are +wedded to their own customs, the Burmahs have a liberality and a desire +to improve, which is very remarkable. I never met with any Burmah, not +even a lad, who could not read and write; they allow any form of +religion to be made use of, and churches of any description to be built +by foreigners, but they do not like missionaries making converts of +their own people; for as the king is the head of the religion, +conversion is a breach of allegiance. One of the missionaries had an +audience with the king, and demanded permission to make proselytes. The +king replied that the missionary might convert as many as he pleased, +but that he would cut all their heads off afterwards. The missionary +had not much trouble, when this answer was made known, in counting the +heads of his proselytes. In their own religion, which is Budhism, the +Burmahs appear to be very relax; it is too absurd for the energy of +their minds. Those who enter the priesthood wear a yellow dress; but if +a priest at any time feels disposed to quit his profession, he is at +liberty so to do. All he has to do is to throw off his yellow garment; +but at the same time he can never resume it. The Burmahs are +superstitious about charms, but are not superstitious on religious +points. In fact, there is very little religion among them, and had we, +at the close of the war, instead of demanding a crore of rupees, +insisted that they should embrace Christianity, the king would have +given the order, and the whole nation would have nominally been +Christians. I once asked a Burmah soldier what was his idea of a future +state. His idea of bliss was singular--"I shall be turned into a +buffalo, and shall lie down in a meadow of grass higher than my head, +and eat all day long, and there won't be a single mosquito to annoy me." +While on the subject of religion, I may here observe, that at the +capture of Rangoon I entered a Chinese temple, the altar-piece, if I may +use the term, was the Ganesa of the Hindoos, but not seated on the lotus +leaf, but on the Chinese rat. On each side of this were two little +candelabras, formed of the Egyptian ibis, holding the oil cups in its +beak. I also found the Hounyman, or monkey god of the Hindoos, and +Budhist figures. I once observed some sepoys playing and laughing at a +bronze image they had picked up at the pagoda of Syriam, and on +examining it, I was surprised to find that it was a figure of the +Egyptian Isis, with her hand raised, and her person in the position +described as the correct one when blessing the world. The art of +embalming appears to be known to the Burmahs, and is occasionally +practised by the priests. At the capture of the old Portuguese fort at +Syriam, I found, not far from it, a sort of canopied shed, decorated +with carving, cut paper, and tinsel, and supported by four pillars, like +a bedstead. Below lay the body of a priest, embalmed and gilt. I +intended to have brought this home, but before I arrived there, I found +one of my marines, a graceless dog without religion or any other good +quality, very busy hammering the mummy to pieces with the butt end of +his musket. I was very angry, and ordered him to desist. In excuse, he +replied that it was an abominable molten image, and it was his duty, as +a _good Christian_, to destroy it--the only evidence of Christianity +ever witnessed on that fellow's part. On examination, I found that the +body had been wrapped in sundry clothes, and, like the ark of Noah, +pitched within and without: over the clothes was a coat of damma, then +of chunam, and lastly it was gilt; the head of the mummy was fictitious, +and formed of a cocoa-nut, the real skull being where, in the mummy, +would have appeared to have been the breast of the body. It did not +smell much, but there were a great many small scarabei inside, and it +was so mutilated that I did not remove it. The Burmahs are cleanly in +their houses, which generally are raised from the ground a few feet, so +as to allow the pigs; which are the scavengers of the town, to walk +under. They have houses of brick, or stone and mortar, such as the +custom-house at Rangoon, and one or two others; but the most substantial +houses are usually built of thick teak plank. The smaller houses and +cottages are built of bamboo, the floors and walls being woven like +wicker-work: the cleanliness and the beauty of these houses when new are +very remarkable, and what is still more so, the rapidity with which they +are built. I have known an officer order a house to be built of three +rooms, with doors and windows to each, and of a comfortable size, and +three or four Burmahs will complete this house in a day, and thatch the +roof over. In another point, the Burmahs show a degree of civilisation, +which might be an example to the northern Athens--to every house there +is a very neat and clean cloaca. + +The government, like all in Asia, is most despotic; and the people have +the faults which are certain to be generated by despotism--but not to +that degree which might be expected. They have their hereditary +nobility, and the orders of it are very clearly defined. They consist +of gold chains, worn round the neck, with four plates or chased bosses +dividing them; the lowest order wears the bosses linked together by +three chains, the next highest in degree with six, the next nine, and +the last and highest order has twelve; the king only wears twenty-four +chains. The use of gold and silver, as drinking cups, etcetera, is only +permitted to the nobility. They are very clever in chasing of metals, +and they have a description of work in glass and enamel, quite their +own, with which they decorate the temples, houses of the priests, and +coffers containing the sacred volumes. Their ornamental writings in the +Pali language, a variety of the Sanscrit, known only to the priests, are +also very beautiful--especially that upon long leaves of ivory. Upon +the whole, their manufactures are superior to all around them, except +perhaps the Chinese. + +The women are small, and delicately formed, in proportion to the men; +they are not shut up, but go where they please; their dress is becoming; +they braid the hair with flowers, and they are much fairer than would be +supposed. Those who keep much within doors are nearly as white as +Europeans. They have a singular custom of putting a patch of white +chunam on the cheek bone, something in opposition to the black patches +which used formerly to be worn by our belles; and it is intended to show +how near they approach to white. Indeed, when the men of the lower +class, who are exposed all day to the sun, remove their garments, it is +singular to witness how many shades lighter they are in that part of +their bodies which is covered up. Usually, the men have but one wife, +but occasionally there are supernumeraries. + +The laws of the Burmahs appear to be good, but, as in all despotic +countries, they are not acted upon, unless it please the ruler. Slavery +of a certain species is allowed. Should one man be in debt to another, +and is summoned before the chief; if he states his inability to pay, he +is asked how many children he has, and according to the debt, so are his +children given in bond slavery to his debtor, who writes off a certain +sum every year until they are free. If he has no children, his wife, or +himself perhaps, will be bonded in the same manner. But in this case, +where ill-treatment can be proved, the bondage will be removed; and +further, any person so bonded, may at his or her wish remove to the +service of another master, provided they can find one who will pay to +the debtor the amount still due, and thus finish the time of servitude +under one whom they like better. These bonds are all in writing, and +must be produced. Some of our military officers released several of the +young women from their slavery. + +_Sitting down_ in your presence, is, among the Burmese, a mark of +respect. Every poor man who is sent for, immediately drops down on his +hams in the corner of the room, or at the portal. The use of the cocoa, +or betel nut, is universal among the men, but not so common with the +women until they grow old. The consequence is, that the teeth of the +men are quite black and decayed, while those of the young women are very +good. + +The most remarkable feature in the character of the Burmahs is their +_good temper_; I think they are the most even-tempered race, ever met +with. They are always gay, always content under any privation. I had, +as will be seen hereafter, more opportunities of seeing into the +character of this people than others had, for we mixed with them in +amity for some weeks. They are very fond of marionettes, and puppet +playing, and are very amusing mimics. They work very hard, and with the +greatest cheerfulness. They have a high respect for the English, or the +white faces, as they call us; and the superiority of our warlike +instruments, and our ships, _was_ a subject of wonder, and, at the same +time, of most careful examination. They perceive how far they are +behind us, and are most anxious to improve. From this reason, joined to +others, it was a pity that we ever made war with the Burmahs; they had +made an easy conquest of those around them, and were satisfied with +their supposed superiority, but now they are not, for they are active +and enterprising, fond of war, and will not be content until they have +improved their system. Twenty years hence we shall find the Burmahs a +much more formidable nation than they are at present, for they have +every quality necessary to become the first nation in the East: indeed, +when we consider with what weapons they defended themselves, and the +nature of the warfare, it is not a little to their credit that they held +out for nearly three years against the power of Great Britain. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE. + + February, 1836. +The Burmahs are decidedly a brave nation: the government being despotic, +their rulers are cruel, but the people are not. I state this, as +cowardice and cruelty usually go hand in hand. Good temper and +generosity are the prominent features in their character--excellent +materials to work upon in judicious hands. I witnessed acts of courage +at the early part of the war, before the Burmahs found out how +impossible it was to cope with our superior arms, which were most +surprising, and which excited our admiration. They are peculiarly a +warlike nation; indeed, they are fond of war. Every man is a soldier, +and when ordered out to join the ranks, obeys without receiving any pay, +providing his own arms. This fact, at once, establishes that they are +inclined to war. Their aims generally consist of a double-handed sword, +a weapon of great force, and very large spears; but every one will +possess a musket if he can, and if it has not a lock, he will fire it +with a match. It is in this point that the Burmahs are so deficient in +aims: we used to consider it a very courageous act to venture to fire +off a Burmese musket, they were in such a wretched condition: and to +crown all, every man _makes his own gunpowder_. Now it may be easily +imagined what stuff this must be; as, previous to an expected combat, +each Burmah sits down and composes the article to the best of his +knowledge and belief. The consequences are, that when these muskets do +go off (and it is ten to one they do not), it is again ten to one that +the bullet falls short, from the inefficacy of the powder. There is +another singular fact, and one which proves that they have been used to +muskets but a short time: it is, that they have no bullet-moulds or +leaden bullets. All their bullets are of iron, hammered as round as +they can hammer them at the forge; of course the windage produced by +this imperfect shape, occasions it to deviate much from its intended +direction. + +The guns on their stockades and war-boats are equally defective from bad +powder, and the hammered iron bullets. It is difficult to know where +they could have collected such a curious assemblage. Sometimes you will +fall in with a small brass piece of exquisite Spanish manufacture, at +others you will find them of the strangest forms that can be conceived. +I rather think they were purchased, or taken as a part of the duties on +vessels trading to Rangoon. I recollect once at the first taking of a +stockade, we knocked off the trunnions of an old iron gun, and left it +there as useless. The Burmahs reoccupied the stockade, and we had to +take it a second time, when we found that they had most ingeniously +supplied the want of trunnions with iron hoops and rivets, and the gun +was fired at us before we entered. At another time, we entered a +stockade which had kept up a brisk fire for a few minutes, and to our +surprise found that they had made _wooden_ guns, very well bound and +braced with iron hoops. Of course these guns would not fire more than +two or three shots each, as the touch-holes became inflamed, and were +soon so large as to render the guns unserviceable; but I mention these +points, to prove the perseverance of these people, and the efforts they +made in their own defence. After the first campaign it is true that +they deserted, and the levies were made by force; but the reason of +this, for I inquired into it, was not that they had any objection to +fight, but that, fighting without pay, they wanted to go home and put +the seed into the ground, as otherwise their wives and families would +starve. + +The Burmah war-boats are very splendid craft, pulling from eighty to one +hundred oars; the Burmahs manage them very dexterously, and will pull +them from seven to eight miles an hour. They have a war-boat dedicated +to the Deity, which brought intelligence that saved the nation at the +time of the war with the empire of Pegu, in a space of time so short, as +almost to appear incredible. + +As I before observed, the gun mounted on the boat's bow is of little +effect, but their spears are really formidable. At a night attack upon +some of our vessels, anchored off a stockade which they wanted to +regain, I had an evidence of the force with which they are thrown. The +sides of the vessels were covered with them, sticking out like +porcupine's quills, and they had entered the plank with such force, that +it required a very strong arm to pull them out again. We lost some men +by them; the effect of a hundred spears hurtling through the air at the +same time was singularly appalling to our men, who were not accustomed +the sound, especially during the night. I heard several of the sailors +observe afterwards that they "did not like that at all," and I am sure +they would have infinitely preferred to have been met with fire-arms. +Some of these spears were sixteen feet long, with an iron head, sharp at +both sides, weighing from twelve to fourteen pounds. I have seen bows +and arrows in the possession of the Burmahs, but never have observed +that they used them in their conflicts with us. They appeared to +despise them. The system of warfare and defence pursued by these +people, is undoubtedly excellent for the peculiarities of the country. +Their stockades are usually built of any thick teak timber, or rather +squared trees, which are much too strong to be penetrated by any other +than battering cannon, and, in consequence, were invariably carried by +escalade. Some of them are built of bamboos, running from a foot to two +feet in diameter. These are equally strong, with the peculiarity that +if you fire cannon at them the bamboos yield, admit the shot, and then +close again. If these stockades are not close to the river side, they +usually have a deep ditch round them, and are further protected by what +was more serious to us than the escalading, which were abbatis of +pointed bamboos, stuck in a slanting direction in the ground. The +slight wounds made by these bamboos brought on lock-jaw, and too often +terminated fatally. In the attacks upon us at Rangoon they made their +approaches with some degree of military skill, throwing up trenches as +they advanced. Their fire-rafts on such a rapid river were also +formidable. They have wells of petroleum up the country: their rafts +were very large, and on them, here and there, were placed old canoes +filled with this inflammable matter. When on fire, it blazed as high as +our maintop, throwing out flames, heat, and stink quite enough to drive +any one away. + +I have mentioned their mode of warfare and their deficiencies, to prove +that if the Burmahs had been as well provided with every species of arms +equal to our own, the country would not have been so soon subjugated as +it was. Their system of defence was good, their bravery was undoubted, +but they had no effective weapons. I strongly suspect that they will, +now that they have been taught their inferiority, use every means to +obtain them; and if so, they will really become a formidable nation. As +one proof of their courage, I will mention, that at every stockade there +is a look-out man, perched on a sort of pole, about ten feet or more +clear of the upper part of the stockade, in a situation completely +exposed. I have often observed these men, and it was not till the +cannonade had fairly commenced on both sides, that they came down, and +when they did, it was without hurry; indeed, I may say, in a most +leisurely and indifferent manner. Of their invulnerables and their +antics I have already spoken. + +In countries governed despotically, life is not so much valued as it is +in others. The very knowledge that it may be taken in a moment at the +will of the rulers, renders even the cowardly comparatively indifferent. +Having been accustomed from our earliest years to anticipate an event, +when it actually arrives we meet it with composure and indifference. +The lad in England who is brought up to thieving, and who is continually +reminded by his parents, that he _must be hung_ before he is twenty goes +to the gallows when his turn comes with much _sang froid_. So it is in +a despotic country, where the people witness the heads of their +companions roll on the ground, and surmise how soon their own turn will +come. I had more than one evidence of this during my stay. In one +instance I wished to obtain information from a prisoner, but could +extract none. He had been sitting between the carronades on deck for +twenty-four hours, and some of the men or officers had given him a bowl +of grog and a couple of cigars, with which he was busy when I +interrogated him. As he professed ignorance, I told him that if he +would not give me the desired information, I should take his head off; +and I sent for the serjeant of marines, who appeared with two of his +party, and with his drawn sword. We called him out from between the +guns, but he begged through the interpreter to be allowed to finish his +grog, to which I consented: when that was done, he was again ordered +out, but requested leave to finish about an inch of cigar which remained +in his mouth. To which I also acceded, not being in a particular hurry +to do that which I never intended to do. During all this the man was +perfectly composed, and did not show the least alarm at his approaching +fate. As soon as the cigar was finished, he bound his long hair up +afresh, and made preparation. I again asked him if he would tell, but +he pleaded ignorance, and stepped forward, went down on his knees and +took off the cloth from about his loins, which he spread on the deck to +receive his head, and then putting his hands on the deck, held it in the +position to be cut off. Not a muscle trembled, for I watched the man +carefully. He was, of course, remanded, and the sailors were so pleased +with him, that he went on shore with more grog and more tobacco than he +had probably ever seen in his life. + +The Burmahs have, however, a means of extracting information from spies, +etcetera, which I never saw practised by them, although it was borrowed +from them by us. It was in our own quarter-master-general's office that +I witnessed this species of torture, so simple in its operation, and +apparently so dreadful in its effects. It consists in giving one single +blow upon the region of the heart, so as to stop for some seconds the +whole circulation. The way by which this is effected is as follows:-- +the man--the Burmahs are generally naked to the waist--is made to sit +down on the floor; another man stands behind him, and leaning over him, +takes a very exact aim with his sharp bent elbow at the precise spot +over his heart, and then strikes a blow which, from its being propelled +so very mechanically, descends with increased force. + +The effect appears dreadful; the dark hue of the sufferer's face turns +to a deadly white; the perspiration bursts out from his forehead, and he +trembles in every limb. I never witnessed such apparent agony. These +blows repeated three or four times, will unman the most resolute, and +they will call for death as a favour. + +There is one point which must not be overlooked by the Indian +government, and which, connected with what I have already mentioned, +makes the Burmese nation more formidable; it is, the great contempt they +have for the sepoys. And what is equally true, the fears which the +sepoys have of them. The Burmahs are only afraid of the white faces, as +I shall very soon establish. They despise the sepoys, although they are +so well armed. Now, that the sepoys are good troops, there can be no +doubt; they have proved it often; but, at the same time, they are not, +as some of the Indian officers have asserted in my presence, the best +troops in the world, and preferable to Europeans. That they are much +easier to control, and that they excel in discipline, I grant, because +they are never intoxicated; but they have, in the first place, very +little stamina, and are, generally speaking, a small and very +effeminately built race. Still they have fought well--very well; but +they never fought well against the Burmahs; and for this simple +reason,--that superstition is more powerful than courage, and subdues +it. The sepoys are very superstitious, and had the idea, which was +never eradicated, that the Burmahs were _charmed men_, and they never +went out against them willingly, even when they were headed by the +English troops. As for the Burmahs' contempt of them, it was notorious. +I have myself seen one of the Burmah prisoners at Rangoon lift up a +piece of timber that six of the sepoys could hardly have moved, and +throw it down, so as to make it roll at the feet of the sepoy guard who +watched him, making them all retreat several paces, and then laugh at +them in derision. But we had many more decisive proofs. The Burmahs +had stockaded themselves about seven miles from Rangoon, and it was +determined to dislodge them. Colonel S--, who was very partial to the +native troops, was ordered on this service, and he requested +particularly that he might have no troops but the sepoys. Sir A +Campbell did not much like to consent, but, as the stockades were not +higher than breastworks, and the Burmahs not in very great force, he +eventually yielded to the Colonel's arguments. Fifteen hundred sepoys +were ordered out, and the Colonel went on his expedition. The Burmahs +had good intelligence that there were no European troops, and when the +sepoys arrived, they did not wait to be attacked, but attacked the +sepoys, and put them completely to the rout. One half of the sepoys +were said to be killed; the others came back to Rangoon in parties of +ten or twelve, and in the utmost consternation and confusion. Sir A +Campbell was, of course, much annoyed, and the next day a European force +was despatched against the Burmahs. On their arrival they witnessed a +dreadful and disgusting scene. A long avenue had been cut in the wood, +and on each side of it were hung by the heels, at equal distances, +shockingly mutilated, the naked bodies of the seven hundred and fifty +sepoys killed. The Burmahs did not, however, attempt to resist the +European force, but after a few shots made their retreat. Now, this is +a very important fact: and it is a fact which cannot be denied, although +it has not been made known. In India there is a nominal force of three +hundred thousand men; but they are scattered over such a vast extent of +territory, that, allowing they could be made disposable, which they +could not, it would require many months before they could be collected, +and if the Burmahs despise the sepoys, and the sepoys dread the Burmahs, +the only check against the latter will be the European troops; and of +them how many can be called out. Not ten thousand, at the very utmost; +and the difficulty of collecting them was well known at the commencement +of the Burmah war. There certainly is a great difference between +attacking others in their own territories, and defending ourselves; but +if the Burmahs could hold out against us, as they did, for nearly three +years, without arms to cope with us, what might be the consequence if +they were supplied with arms and officers by any other nation? We have +now a footing in the country, and it must be our object to prevent the +ingress of any other, and to keep the Burmahs as quiet and as peaceable +as we can. But our very intercourse will enlighten them by degrees, and +we have more to dread from that quarter than from all the hordes of +Russia or Runjeet Sing, and the whole disaffection of India. + +As I have more to say relative to the Burmahs, I will, in my next +chapter, enter into a short narrative of the expedition to Bassein. It +was a bloodless one, although very important in its results: and +circumstances occurred in it which will throw much light upon the +character of the nation. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY SIX. + +It was not until many months after the war had been carried on, that Sir +Archibald Campbell found himself in a position to penetrate into the +heart of the Burmah territory, and attempt the capital. He wanted +almost every thing, and among the rest reinforcements of men; for the +rainy season had swept them off by thousands. At last, when determined +to make the attempt, he did it with a most inadequate force; so small +that, had the Burmahs thought of even trenching up and barricading the +roads at every half mile, he must have been compelled, without firing a +shot, to have retreated. Fortunately, he had an accession of +men-of-war, and his river detachment was stronger than he could have +hoped for. I do not pretend to state the total force which was embarked +on the river or that which proceeded by hand, communicating with each +other when circumstances permitted, as the major part of the provisions +of the army were, I believe, carried up by water. The united river +force was commanded by Brigadier Cotton, Captain Alexander, and Captain +Chads; the land forces, of course, by Sir A Campbell, who had excellent +officers with him, but whose tactics were of no use in this warfare of +morass, mud, and jungle. + +It will be proper to explain why it was considered necessary to detach a +part of the forces to Bassein. The Rangoon river joins the Irrawaddy on +the left, about one hundred and seventy miles from its flowing into the +ocean. On the right of the Irrawaddy is the river of Bassein, the mouth +of it about one hundred and fifty miles from that of the Irrawaddy, and +running up the country in an angle towards it until it joins it about +four hundred miles up in the interior. The two rivers thus enclose a +large delta of land, which is the most fertile and best peopled of the +Burmah provinces, and it was from this delta that Bundoola, the Burmah +general, received all his supplies of men. Bundoola was in the strong +fortress of Donabue, on the Bassein side of the river, about half way +between where the Rangoon river joined it on the left, and the Bassein +river communicated with it a long way farther up on the right. Sir A +Campbell's land forces were on the left of the river, so that Bundoola's +communication with the Bassein territory was quite open; and as the +river forces had to attack Donabue on their way up, the force sent to +Bassein, was to take him in the rear and cut off his supplies. This was +a most judicious plan of the General's, as will be proved in the sequel. +Major S--, with four or five hundred men in three transports, the +Larne, and the Mercury, Hon. Company's brig, were ordered upon this +expedition, which sailed at the same time that the army began to march +and the boats to ascend the river. + +On the arrival at the mouth of the river we found the entrance most +formidable in appearance, there being a dozen or more stockades of great +extent; but there were but two manned, the guns of the others, as well +as the men, having been forwarded to Donabue, the Burmahs not imagining, +as we had so long left that part of their territory unmolested, that we +should have attempted it. Our passage was therefore easy; after a few +broadsides, we landed and spiked the guns, and then, with a fair wind, +ran about seventy miles up one of the most picturesque and finest rivers +I was ever in. Occasionally the right lines of stockades presented +themselves, but we found nobody in them, and passed by them in peace. +But the river now became more intricate, and the pilots, as usual, knew +nothing about it. It was, however, of little consequence; the river was +deep even at its banks, over which the forest trees threw their boughs +in wild luxuriance. The wind was now down the river, and we were two or +three days before we arrived at Bassein, during which we tided and +warped how we could, while Major S-- grumbled. If the reader wishes to +know why Major S-- grumbled, I will tell him--because there was no +fighting. He grumbled when we passed the stockades at the entrance of +the river because they were not manned; and he grumbled at every +dismantled stockade that we passed. But there was no pleasing S--; if +he was in hard action and not wounded, he grumbled; if he received a +slight wound, he grumbled because it was not a severe one; if a severe +one, he grumbled because he was not able to fight the next day. He had +been nearly cut to pieces in many actions, but he was not content. Like +the man under punishment, the drummer might strike high or strike low, +there was no pleasing S--: nothing but the _coup de grace_, if he be now +alive, will satisfy him. But notwithstanding this mania for being +carved, he was an excellent and judicious officer. I have been told he +is since dead; if so, his Majesty has lost one of the most devoted and +chivalric officers in his service, to whom might most justly be applied +the words of Hotspur,--"But if it be a sin to covet honour, I am the +most offending soul alive." [See note 1.] + +As I before observed, the branches of the trees hung over the sides of +the river, and a circumstance occurred which was a source of great +amusement. We had a little monkey, who had been some time on board, and +was a favourite, as usual, of the ship's company. The baffling winds +very often threw us against the banks of the river, near which there was +plenty of water; and when this was the case, the boughs of the trees +were interlaced with the rigging of the ship. This unusual embracing +between nature and art gave Jacko the idea of old times when he +frolicked in the woods, and unable to resist the force of early +associations, he stepped from the top-sail yard to the branch of a large +tree, and when the ship had hauled off clear, we found that Jacko had +deserted. We lamented it, and ten minutes afterwards, thinking no more +about him, we continued our course up the river. About an hour had +elapsed, during which we had gained upwards of a mile, when again +nearing the bank on that side, we heard a loud chattering and screaming. +"That's Jacko, sir," said one of the men, and others expressed the same +opinion. We manned the jolly-boat, and sent it on shore towards the +place where the noise was heard. The monkey did not wait till the bow +of the boat touched the shore, but springing into it when some feet off, +he took his seat very deliberately on the stern, and was pulled on +board, where immediately he flew up the side, caressing every one he +met. The fact was, that Jacko had found several of his own race in the +woods, but, like all wild animals, they immediately attacked one who had +worn the chains of servitude, and Jacko had to fly for his life. We +very often interlaced the rigging with the boughs after that, but the +monkey remained quiet on the booms, and showed not the slightest wish to +renew his rambles. + +I think it was on the third day that we arrived below the town of +Naputah, which was defended by a very formidable stockade, commanding +the whole reach of the river. The stockade was manned, and we expected +that it would be defended, but as we did not fire, neither did they; and +we should have passed it quietly, had not S-- grumbled so much at his +bad luck. The next day we arrived at Bassein, one of the principal +towns in the Burman Empire. Here again the Major was disappointed, for +it appeared that, on hearing of the arrival of the expedition at the +entrance of the river, the people had divided into two parties, one for +resistance, the other for submission. This difference of opinion had +ended in their setting fire to the town and immense magazines of grain, +dismantling the stockades, and the major part of the inhabitants flying +into the country. The consequence was, that we took possession of the +smoking ruins without opposition. + +It was soon observed that the people were tired of the protracted war, +and of the desolation occasioned by it. They wanted to return to their +wives and families, who were starving. But up to this time the chiefs +had remained faithful to Bundoola, who had amassed stores and provisions +at Bassein, intending to retreat upon it, should he be driven out of the +fortress of Donabue; and as long as he held that fortress, receiving +from Bassein his supplies of men and of provisions. The Burmahs were so +unwilling to fight any longer, that they were collected by armed bands, +and made prisoners by the chiefs, who sent them up as required; and many +hundreds were still in this way detained, enclosed in stockaded ground, +and watched by armed men, in several towns along the river. An +expedition was first despatched up the river, to its junction with the +Irrawaddy, as there was a town there in which was the dockyard of the +Burmahs, all their war boats, and _canoes_ of every description being +_built_ at that place. They ascended without difficulty, and, after a +little skirmishing, took possession of the place, burnt all the boats +built or building, and then returned to Bassein. + +Of course, we had then nothing to do: Major S--'s orders were to join +Sir A Campbell, if he possibly could; which, with much difficulty, he +ultimately effected. We must now return to the Irrawaddy expedition +sent up at the same time that Sir A Campbell marched by land, and our +expedition went up the Bassein river. + +This force arrived at Donabue before we had gained Bassein. It found a +most formidable fortress, or rather, three fortresses in one, mounting a +great number of guns, and, as I before observed, held by Bundoola, the +commander of the Burmah forces, in whom the Burmah troops placed the +greatest confidence. I speak from hearsay and memory, but I believe I +am correct when I state that there were not less than ten thousand men +in Donabue, besides war elephants, etcetera. Now the river force did +not amount in fighting men certainly to one thousand, and they were not +in sufficient strength to attack a place of this description, upon which +every pains had been taken for a long while to render it impregnable. +The attack was however made, and the smaller stockade of the three +carried; but when they had possession of the smallest stockade, they +discovered that they were at the mercy of the second, and in a sort of +trap. The consequence was, defeat--the only defeat experienced by the +white troops during the whole war. The troops were re-embarked, and the +boats were obliged to drop down the river clear of the fire of the fort. +I believe two hundred and fifty English troops were left dead in the +stockade, and the next day their bodies, crucified on rafts, were +floated down among the English boats by the triumphant Bundoola. In the +meantime a despatch had been sent to Sir A Campbell, who was in advance +on the banks of the river; stating that the force afloat was not able to +cope with the fortress, the real strength of which no one had been aware +of. The consequence was, that Sir A Campbell retraced his steps, +crossed the river, and attacked it in conjunction with the flotilla, Sir +A Campbell taking it in the rear. After some hard fighting, in which +the elephants played their parts, the troops gained possession, and +Bundoola having been killed by a shell, the Burmahs fled. Now it was +very fortunate that the expedition had been sent to Bassein, for +otherwise the Burmahs would have fallen back upon that place, which held +all their stores, and would thus have been able to continue in the rear +of Sir A Campbell, as he advanced up the river. But they had heard of +the destruction and capture of Bassein, and consequently directed their +flight up the river towards the capital. We were in possession of all +these circumstances shortly after we had taken possession of Bassein; +and although the death of Bundoola and taking of Donabue had dispirited +the Burmahs, yet there were many chiefs who still held out, and who, had +they crossed with their troops to the Irrawaddy, would have interrupted +the supplies coming up, and the wounded and sick who were sent down. We +had, therefore, still the duty of breaking up these resources if +possible. Having ascertained who the parties were, we sent a message to +one of the weakest to say, that if he did not tender his submission, and +come in to us, we should attack him, and burn the town to the ground. + +The chief thought it advisable to obey our summons, and sent word that +he would come in on the ensuing day. He kept his promise: about noon, +as we were sitting in the verandah of a large _Sammy_ house (a sort of +monastery), which we had taken possession of, we were informed that he +had arrived. The token of submission on the part of the Burmahs is, +presenting the other party with _wax candles_. If a poor man has a +request to make, or favour to ask of a great man, he never makes it +without laying a small wax candle at his feet. Neither do they approach +the Rayhoon and Mayhoon without this mark of respect. + +Some time after this, one of the chiefs who had submitted took up his +quarters at Bassein; and his little daughter, about eight or nine years +old, was very fond of coming to see me, as I generally made her little +presents. She became very much attached to me, but she never appeared +without a little wax candle, which she dropped at my feet before she +threw herself into my lap. + +In the present instance, the chief first made his appearance, and having +come within a few feet, sat down as a _mark of respect_. He was +followed by six more, who each carried about two pounds of wax candles, +tastefully arranged in a sort of filigree work of coloured papers. +After these came about fifty men, carrying large baskets full of +vegetables and fruit, which they poured out on the floor before us, and +then walked away and squatted at a distance. A few words of ceremony +were then exchanged, and the friendship cemented over a bottle of brandy +and some wine; which, notwithstanding the use of spirituous liquors is +against their religion, and forbidden by the government, they did not +object to. Before he left I made him a present in return, and he went +away delighted with the gift. Several more of the minor chiefs +afterwards came in, and the same formalities were gone through; but +there were three of the most important who would not make their +appearance; one, the chief of Naputah, the town which we had passed, +which did not fire at us from the stockades, and two others down at +another large arm of the river, who had many men detained for the +service of the army if required, and who were still at open defiance. +All these three were gold chatta chiefs, that is, permitted to have a +gold umbrella carried over their heads when they appeared in public. + +After waiting a certain time for these people to send in their +submission, we sent word down to the chief of Naputah, that we should +visit him the next day, threatening him with the consequences of not +complying with our request. Accordingly we weighed in the Larne, and +dropped down the river till we were abreast of the town and stockade, +which was about thirty miles distant from Bassein. Our broadside was +ready; but as we were about to fire, we perceived that boats were +manning, and in about five minutes the chief of Naputah, in his own +war-boat, accompanied by about twelve others, and a great many canoes, +pulled off from the shore and came alongside. He made his submission, +with the usual accompaniments, and we were soon very good friends. We +gave him a beautiful little brass gun, which ornamented our poop, and he +went away very well pleased. We here had an opportunity of witnessing +the dexterity with which they handle their boats. They really appeared +to be alive, they darted through the water with such rapidity. Many of +the Burmahs remained on board, examining every part of the vessel and +her equipment; and soon they were on the best of terms with the seamen +and the few troops which I had on board to assist us, for we were very +short manned. We had gained intelligence that there were some guns sunk +in a creek, about three miles from Bassein, and we had despatched a boat +to look for them, having the assurance of a chief who was at Bassein +that the people were peaceable and well-disposed. By some mistake, the +boat went up the wrong creek, and pulled many miles into the country, +without finding the spot pointed out by marks given. At night they were +at the mercy of the Burmahs, who came to them to know what they +required. The Burmahs told them that they had mistaken the creek, but +were very kind to them, giving them a good supper, and passing the night +among them, playing their marionettes. The next day they showed them +their way, and when they came to the guns, the Burmahs dived, and made +ropes fast, and brought them up for them, sending a message that they +would come and see the _Great Water-dog_ (meaning me) the next day. + +We remained two days at anchor, off the town of Naputah, waiting for +this boat, as it was our intention to go down the river, and attack the +two other gold chatta chiefs, if they did not send in their submission. +On the second day the chief came on board to ask us if we would attend a +Nautch which he gave that evening in compliment to us; but requested +that we would not bring all our people, as it would frighten his own. +Although it was not pleasant to trust ourselves on shore in the night, +in the midst of so large a force, yet, anxious to make friends with him, +we thought it advisable to accept the invitation in the manner he +desired. I replied, "that I would only bring on shore a few officers, +and my usual attendants of six marines without arms." At eight o'clock +some of the officers and I went on shore: it was quite dark, but we +found the chief at the landing-place ready to receive us. The marines +had their bayonets, and the officers had pistols concealed in case of +treachery, and the first lieutenant kept a good look out, with the +broadside of the ship all ready at the first flash of a pistol, but +these precautions were unnecessary; the chief took me by the hand and +led me up to his house, in front of which had been erected a sort of +covered circus, brilliantly lighted up with oil in cocoa-nut shells, and +round which were squatted several hundred Burmahs. He took us all to +the raised verandah of the house, which was fitted up for the ceremony, +where we found his wife, and all his attendants, but not his daughter, +who was said to be very handsome. As soon as we had taken our seats the +Nautch commenced. About twenty men struck up a very barbarous kind of +music, in which the bells and drums made the most noise. After a few +minutes of discordant sound, the play began. The actors were in a sort +of costume, and appeared quite at home in their parts. The story +consisted in the attempts of a young prince to obtain the hand of a +young princess; and the dialogue was constantly interrupted by an actor +who appeared to be a looker-on, but who made his remarks upon what +passed, so as to excite bursts of laughter from the audience. He was +the Jack Pudding, or wit of the piece, and several of his jokes were not +very delicate. At all events, he was the Liston of the company, for he +never spoke nor moved without creating a laugh. The play ended very +curiously; after the prince had gained the princess, they had a +procession, in which they made an imitation of a ship, out of compliment +to us; and then built a little house on the stage with singular +rapidity, to the door of which they conducted the youthful couple, +closed it, and then the play was over. In the meantime _pickled tea_ +(which is a great compliment and excessively nasty) was handed round to +us, and we all partook of it, taking it out with our fingers; but we +could not swallow it, so it remained like a quid of tobacco in our +cheeks until we had an opportunity of getting rid of it. + +The purser had had the foresight to put a couple of bottles of wine, and +one of brandy, in the pockets of the marines, which were now produced, +while the band continued to play, and wrestling was introduced. We +asked the chief to join us, but he refused; he handed down a sort of +picture, in which was represented the white elephant, pagodas, etcetera, +and told us that he was not only the war chief, but the head of the +religion at Naputah, and that it would not be right that he should be +seen by his people transgressing the laws. In the meantime his +daughter, who did not come out to us, was very anxious to know what sort +of people we were, and she sent for one to be brought in to her. My +clerk was the favoured party. She examined him very closely, pulled his +dress about, made him bare his legs, to see how white they were, and +then dismissed him. The clerk reported her as very handsome, and quite +as white as he was; splendidly dressed; and with an air of command, +which showed that she was aware of her importance. + +We staid about two hours longer, and then we rose to go away. The chief +walked with us down to the boats, and we were not sorry to find +ourselves on board again; for the population was much more numerous than +we had imagined, and had any treachery been attempted, we must have +fallen a sacrifice. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN. + +EXPEDITION TO BASSEIN CONTINUED. + + May, 1836. +Although on friendly terms with the chief of Naputah, he was a person of +such weight in that part of the country, that it was advisable, if +possible, to identify him with us, so that he should never again fall +off, and oppose us, in the contingency of a reverse, on the Irrawaddy. +The next day we sent for him, informing him that it was to make him a +present in return for his civility the day before. But before we handed +the present to him, we stated our intention of dropping down the river +to reduce the two gold chatta chiefs who still held out; and that, as we +did not exactly know where their towns were situated, we wished for some +of his people to go with me. To this first proposition, after some +hesitation, he consented. We then pointed out that our men were not +accustomed to work in the sun, and were often ill; that, as we were now +friends, we wished him to allow me some of his boats to assist the ship +in the river. To this also he consented. In fine, we brought forward +our last proposition, which was, that he should supply us with six or +eight war-boats, well manned, and that we would pay the men and officers +at the same rate per day as we paid our own men; stating the sum we +would give, and that, if he was really sincere in his friendship and +goodwill, we expected not to be refused. Now, among the Burmahs who +were with him, there were many whose relations were detained to join the +army; a consultation ensued; the chief was pressed by his own people, +and, at last, gave his consent. We then presented him with the piece of +plate, upon which his eyes had constantly been turned, and he went away, +promising us that the men and boats should be alongside by daylight the +next morning. + +This chief adhered to his promise, and we weighed anchor the next day, +and made sail down with the war-boats, and three or four +despatch-canoes, pulled by four or five men. These little canoes, when +put to their speed, dashed through the water at such a rate, that they +threw off from each bow one continued little fan-shaped _jet-d'eau_, +which had a very beautiful appearance, the sunbeams forming them into +rainbows. As for our Burmah force, they were at one time pulling +against the vessel sailing; at others, hanging on, and the people +climbing about the rigging, and ascending the masthead of the vessel; +but they soon all congregated to the stand of muskets, for that was the +great object of attraction. In the afternoon we had ball practice with +the small arms; and the Burmahs were, much to their delight, permitted +to fire. It is surprising how exact they were in their aims, +considering the little practice they must have had. Bad as all the +muskets are which are served out to the ships of war, I really believe +that there was not a Burmah who would not have laid down every thing he +possessed, except his life, to have obtained one. One of them, when he +was permitted to take a musket, looked proudly round, and said, with a +smile of joy, "Now I'm a man!" + +The next day we arrived at the branch of the river where one of the +chiefs held out. At daylight our own boats were manned, and with the +Burmah boats ranged in line, made an imposing appearance, which was very +necessary, for at that time we were so short-handed, that we could not +send away more than forty men--a force so small, that, had the Burmahs +opposed to us seen it advance, they would probably have tried their +strength with us. As it was, we pulled into the stockaded town in a +line, the despatch-boats flying across us backwards and forwards like +porpoises before the bows of a ship running down the trades: not that +they had any messages to carry, but merely to show their own dexterity. +When we had advanced to within a quarter of a mile, a boat came out and +communicated with one of the despatch-boats, saying that the Burmahs +would not fight if we did not attack them, and that they would deliver +up the men detained, and their chief as a prisoner. We agreed to these +terms, landed, took possession of the chief with his gold chatta, +correspondence with Bundoolah, etcetera, and took him on board. On this +occasion, we would not trust the Burmahs employed with muskets; it was +too soon; they had only their own swords and spears. + +The chief was a fine tall man with a long beard. Like all Burmahs, he +took his loss of liberty very composedly, sitting down between the guns +with his attendants, and only expressing his indignation at the +treachery of his own people. We were very anxious to know what had +become of the guns of the dismantled stockade, which were said to be in +his possession, but he positively denied it, saying that they had been +despatched in boats across to the Irrawaddy. Whether this were true or +not, it was impossible to say; but, at all events, it was necessary to +make some further attempts to obtain them, so we told him, that if he +did not inform us where the guns were, by the next morning his head +would be taken off his shoulders. At this pleasant intelligence he +opened his betel-bag and renewed his quid. The next day he was summoned +forth to account for the said guns, and again protested that they had +been sent to Donabue, which I really believe was false, as they were not +taken out of the stockade until after Donabue was in the possession of +Sir A. Campbell: it was therefore judged proper to appear to proceed to +extremities; and this time it was done with more form. A file of +marines was marched aft with their muskets, and the sergeant appeared +with his drawn sword. Sand was strewed on the deck in front of the +marines; and he was led there and ordered to kneel down, so that his +head, if cut off, would fall where the sand was strewn. He was again +asked if he would tell where the guns were concealed, and again stated +that they were at Donabue; upon which he was desired to prepare for +death. He called one of his attendants and gave him his silver +betel-box, saying, "Take this to my wife,--when she sees it she will +know all." I watched him very closely; his countenance was composed, +but, as he bent forward over the sand, the muscles of his arms and +shoulders quivered. However, as it is not the custom to cut off +people's heads on the quarter-deck of his Majesty's ships, we very +magnanimously reprieved him, and he was afterwards sent a prisoner to +Calcutta. But that he had the guns, we discovered afterwards, which +adds to his merit. + +Having succeeded in this attempt, we made sail for the stockade of the +other chief, and arrived there that evening. As he was supposed to be +greater in force than the other, we decided upon an attack in the dark, +when he would not be able to distinguish of what our force was composed; +and this time we gave muskets to our Burmah comrades. The attack was +successful, we obtained possession, and the chief fled, but our Burmahs +pursued him nearly two miles, made him prisoner, and brought him aboard. +As he immediately tendered his submission, which the other would not +do, he was released the next day. + +We had done all our work, and having employed the Burmahs for a few days +more in destroying the stockades at the entrance of the river, they were +paid and discharged from his Majesty's service. They would not, +however, quit us; but, so long as we remained in the river they +continued to hang on to the ship, and discovered three guns which had +been sunk, which they weighed and brought on board. + +I have entered into this short narrative, as it will give some idea of +the character of these people. The government is despotic, cruel, and +treacherous, but the people are neither cruel nor treacherous: on the +contrary, I think they would make most excellent and faithful soldiers; +and it is singular to find, surrounded by natives who have not the +slightest energy of mind or body, a people so active, so laborious, and +so enterprising as the Burmahs. The English seamen are particularly +partial to them, and declared they were "the best set of chaps they had +ever fallen in with." They admitted the Burmahs to their messes, and +were sworn friends. I forgot to say, that when the chiefs sent in their +submissions, at first, among other presents, they sent _slaves_, usually +females, which was rather awkward. But not wishing to affront them, I +begged that the slaves sent might be children, and not grown up, as we +had no accommodation for them. The consequence was, that I had quite a +young family when I left the river, which I distributed at Rangoon and +the presidencies on my return. For if they were only bond-slaves, which +I suppose they were, it was a kindness to have them educated and taken +care _of_. We lost one little fellow, that was a great favourite with +the men; he was about three years old, and could speak English. He had +been christened by the sailors Billy Bamboo, and was quite as amusing as +the monkey. The poor little fellow died very suddenly, and was much +regretted by all on board. + +I certainly do think that we may eventually find the Burmahs to be the +most powerful enemy that we shall have to contend with in India; and, at +the same time, I cannot help giving my opinion as to the ridiculous fear +we entertain of the Russians ever interfering with us in that quarter. +That the extension of the Russian empire has been a favourite object +through many of her dynasties, is true: but it is so no longer: they +have discovered that already their empire is too extensive; and hardly a +year passes but they have outbreaks and insurrections to quell in +quarters so remote that they are scarcely heard of here. That Russia +might _possibly_ lead an army through our Indian possessions, I admit; +but that she never could hold them if she did do so, is equally certain; +the conquest would be useless to her, after having been obtained at an +enormous sacrifice. The fact is, the Russians (with the exception of +the Emperor Paul) never had any intention of the kind, and _never will +attempt it_: but they have discovered how very alive we are to the +possibility, and how very jealous and anxious we are on the subject, and +it is possible that they have made demonstrations in that direction to +alarm us; but I think myself, that the great object of Russia in these +advances has been to force a channel for trade, which in her present +situation she is to the south of her extensive empire nearly deprived +of. Notwithstanding the outcry which has so often been raised against +the Russian empire, it has always appeared to me that _our natural ally_ +is Russia; as for an alliance with France it is morally impossible that +two rival nations like us can continue very long at peace; our interests +are separate and conflicting, and our jealousy but sleeps for the +moment. We have been at peace with France many years, and have not yet +succeeded in making a satisfactory commercial treaty with her; neither +will any of the other Continental powers permit our manufactures to +enter, with the exception of Russia, who not only takes them, but +returns to us what is most valuable for our marine. + +Why, then, this outcry against the ambition of Russia? nothing but +tirades against _Russian_ ambition. Does France show no ambition? Does +America show no ambition? Have we no ambition ourselves? Why this +constant suspicion and doubt against a power whose interest it is to be +closely allied to us, and who can always prove a valuable aid in case of +emergency?--simply because Russia wishes to have an opening to the Black +Sea. And this is very natural; her northern ports are closed nine +months in the year, and therefore her navy and mercantile marine are +almost useless. She has no outlet, no means of raising either. Does +she, then, ask too much? Is a great empire like Russia to be blocked +up, her commerce and navy crippled, for the want of an outlet? She does +require the opening of the Black Sea; it is all that she requires. She +never will remain quiet until she obtains it; and obtain it sooner or +later she certainly will; and in my opinion she is perfectly justified +in her attempts. What would be the consequence if she succeeded?--that, +if we were wise enough to continue on terms of amity with Russia, who +has invariably extended the hand of friendship to us, and has I believe +never failed in her treaties, we should have a balance of power to us +very important. Whose navies shall we in future have to contend +against?--those of France and America; for it is certain that whenever +we go to war with France, America will back her, and their navies will +be united. At present, the navy of America is not very large, but it +can soon be made so; and we should not be sorry to have the navy of +Russia on our side, to balance against the two which will always be +opposed to us. It is, therefore, our interest to _assist_ Russia in the +object she has in view, and to keep up a firm alliance with her. It is +the interest of France to excite jealousies between Russia and this +country; and her emissaries have been but too successful, at the very +time that France has, contrary to all treaty, and exclaiming against +_Russian_ ambition, seized upon Algiers, and is now playing her game, so +as if possible to command the whole of the Mediterranean. The very +strides which France has made in that quarter should point out to us the +propriety of opening the Black Sea for Russia, so as to restore the +balance of power in that future site of contention. I repeat that we +are blind in every way to our own interests, in not uniting ourselves +firmly by an alliance, offensive and defensive, with Russia; and that by +so doing, we should be the greatest gainers; for with France we must +never expect more than a _hollow truce_, concealing for the time her +jealousy and thirst for revenge,--a truce during which her secret +efforts to undermine us, will be still carried on as indefatigably as +ever, and which must only be considered as a mere feint to recover her +breath, before she again renews her frenzied efforts to humiliate +England, and obtain universal dominion. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT. + +London, June, 1837. + +To one who has visited foreign climes, how very substantial everything +appears in England, from the child's plaything to the Duke of York's +column! To use a joiners phrase, everything abroad is comparatively +scamp-work. Talk about the Palais Royale, the Rue Richelieu, and the +splendour of the Parisian shops--why, two hundred yards of +Regent-street, commencing from Howell and James's, would buy the whole +of them, and leave a balance sufficient to buy the remainder of the +French _expositions_. But still, if more substantial and massive, we +are at the same time also heavy. We want more space, more air, more +room to breathe, in London; we are too closely packed; we want gardens +with trees to absorb the mephitic air, for what our lungs reject is +suitable to vegetation. But we cannot have all we want in this world, +so we must do without them. + +What wealth is now pouring into the country! and, thank God, it is now +somewhat better expended than it was in the bubble mania, which acted +upon the plethora certainly, but bled us too freely and uselessly. The +rail-road speculators have taken off many millions, and the money is +well employed; for even allowing that, in some instances, the +expectations of the parties who speculate may be disappointed, still it +is spent in the country; and not only is it affording employment and +sustenance to thousands, but the staple produce of England only is +consumed. In these speculations--in the millions required and +immediately produced, you can witness the superiority of England. +Undertakings from which foreign governments would shrink with dismay are +here effected by the meeting of a few individuals. + +And now for my commissions. What a list! And the first item is--two +Canary birds, the last having been one fine morning found dead: nobody +knows how; there was plenty of seed and water (put in after the servant +found that they had been starved by his neglect), which, of course, +proved that they did not die for want of food. I hate what are called +pets; they are a great nuisance, for they will die, and then such a +lamentation over them! In the "Fire Worshippers" Moore makes his Hinda +say-- + + "I never nursed a dear gazelle, + To glad me with its soft black eye, + But when it came to know me well + And love me--it was sure to die." + +Now Hinda was perfectly correct, except in thinking that she was +peculiarly unfortunate. Every one who keeps pets might tell the same +tale as Hinda. I recollect once a Canary bird died, and my young people +were in a great tribulation; so to amuse them we made them a paper +coffin, put the defunct therein, and sewed on the lid, dug a grave in +the garden, and dressing them out in any remnants of black we could find +for weepers, made a procession to the grave where it was buried. This +little divertissement quite took their fancy. The next day one of the +youngest came up to me and said, "Oh, papa, when will you die?"--A +strange question, thought I, quite forgetting the procession of the day +before.--"Why do you ask, my dear?"--"Oh, because it will be such fun +burying you."--"Much obliged to you, my love." + +There is much more intellect in birds than people suppose. An instance +of that occurred the other day, at a slate quarry belonging to a friend, +from whom I have the narrative. A thrush, not aware of the expansive +properties of gunpowder, thought proper to build her nest on a ridge of +the quarry, in the very centre of which they were constantly blasting +the rock. At first she was very much discomposed by the fragments +flying in all directions, but still she would not, quit her chosen +locality; she soon observed that a bell rang whenever a train was about +to be fired, and that, at the notice, the workmen retired to safe +positions. In a few days, when she heard the bell, she quitted her +exposed situation, and flew down to where the workmen sheltered +themselves, dropping close to their feet. There she would remain until +the explosion had taken place, and then return to her nest. The +workmen, observing this, narrated it to their employers, and it was also +told to visitors who came to view the quarry. + +The visitors naturally expressed a wish to witness so curious a specimen +of intellect; but, as the rock could not always be ready to be blasted +when visitors came, the bell was rung instead, and, for a few times, +answered the same purpose. The thrush flew down close to where they +stood; but she perceived that she was trifled with, and it interfered +with her process of incubation: the consequence was, that afterwards, +when the bell was rung, she would peep over the ledge to ascertain if +the workmen did retreat, and if they did not, she would remain where she +was, probably saying to herself, "No, no, gentlemen; I'm not to be +roused off my eggs merely for your amusement." + +Some birds have a great deal of humour in them, particularly the raven. +One that belonged to me was the most mischievous and amusing creature I +ever met with. He would get into the flower-garden, go to the beds +where the gardener had sowed a great variety of seeds, with sticks put +in the ground with labels, and then he would amuse himself with pulling +up every stick, and laying them in heaps of ten or twelve on the path. +This used to irritate the old gardener very much, who would drive him +away. The raven knew that he ought not to do it, or he would not have +done it. He would soon return to his mischief, and when the gardener +again chased him (the old man could not walk very fast), the raven would +keep just clear of the rake or hoc in his hand, dancing back before him, +and singing as plain as a man could, "Tol de rol de rol; tol de rol de +rol!" with all kinds of mimicking gestures. The bird is alive now, and +continues the same meritorious practice whenever he can find an +opportunity. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY NINE. + + June, Steam-boat Princess Victoria. +It certainly appears that the motion of a steam-vessel produces more +nausea than that of a sailing-vessel; and people appear to suffer in +some degree in proportion to the power of the engines. This may be +accounted for by the vibration of the vessel increasing in the same +ratio. + +We are now in a vessel of two hundred and fifty horse power, and the +consequence is that the passengers are as sick as two hundred and fifty +horses. The effect of the vibration of the after part of the vessel +amounts to the ridiculous. + +When dinner was put on the table, we had no occasion for a bell to +announce it, for every glass on the table was dancing to its own +jingling music. And when the covers were taken off, it was still more +absurd--everything in the dishes appeared to be infected with Saint +Vitus's dance. The boiled leg of mutton shook its collops of fat at a +couple of fowls which figured in a sarabande round and round their own +dish,--roast beef shifted about with a slow and stately movement--a ham +_glisseed croisee_ from one side to the other--tongues wagged that were +never meant to wag again--bottles reeled and fell over like drunken men, +and your piece of bread constantly ran away and was to be pulled back +into its proper place. It was a regular jig-a-jig--a country-dance of +pousette, down the middle, and right and left. + +The communication of motion was strange; the whole company seated on +long forms were jig-a-jigging up and down together--your knife jigged +and your fork jigged--even the morsel which was put into your mouth gave +one more jump before it could be seized. However, we jigged it to some +purpose; for, in eighteen hours and a half, we passed from London to +Antwerp. + +The English are naturally great _voyageurs_: the feeling is inherent +from our insular position. I have been reflecting whether I can +recollect, in my whole life, ever to have been three months in one +place, but I cannot, nor do I believe that I ever was--not even when +sent to school; for I used to run away every quarter, just to see how my +family were--an amiable weakness, which even flogging could not +eradicate. And then I was off to sea; there I had my wish, as +Shakespeare says, borne away by "the viewless winds, and blown with +restless violence about the pendent world," north, south, east, and +west; one month freezing, the next burning; all nations, all colours,-- +white, copper, brown, and black; all scenery, from the blasted pine +towering amidst the frost and snow, to the cocoa-nut waving its leaves +to the sea-breeze. Well, "homekeeping youths have homely wits," says +the same author; and he has told more truth than any man who ever wrote. +I certainly did hear of one young man who did not gain much by +travelling; he was a banker's clerk, and obtained three months' vacation +to go on the Continent. He landed at Ostend, and the next day found +himself in the track-schuyt that is towed by horses, from Bruges to +Ghent. The cabins were magnificent, velvet and gold the down cushions +luxurious, the dinner and breakfast sumptuous, the wine excellent, the +bed-rooms comfortable, and the expense moderate. Moreover, the motion +was imperceptible. What could a man wish more? He arrived at Ghent, +and could not make his mind up to quit this barge; so he returned in her +to Bruges, and then back again to Ghent; and thus he continued between +the two towns, backwards and forwards, until the three months' leave had +expired, and he was obliged to return to the desk. I have never yet +made up my mind whether this personage was a wise man or a fool. + +But, until the opening of the Continent, the English were only +voyageurs, not travellers; and that, after having been so long debarred, +they should be desirous of visiting the various portions of Europe, is +not only natural but praiseworthy; but that they should make the +Continent their residence--should expatriate themselves altogether, is, +to me, a source of astonishment as well as of regret. + +The excuse offered is the cheapness. It is but an excuse, for I deny it +to be the fact: I have visited most places, with and without a family; +and I will positively assert, not for the benefit of others who have +already expatriated themselves, but as a check to those who feel so +inclined, that they will discover too soon that, at less expense, they +can command more good living and substantial comforts in England, than +in any part of the Continent they may fix upon as their habitation. + +Let us enter a little into the subject. First, as to the capitals, +Paris, Brussels, etcetera. + +Let it first be remembered that we have no longer war prices in England, +that almost every article has fallen from thirty-five to fifty per cent. +It is true that some tradespeople who are established as fashionable +keep up their prices; but it is not absolutely necessary to employ them, +as there are those equally skilled who are more moderate. But even the +most fashionable have been obliged, to a certain degree, to lower their +prices; and their present prices, reduced as they are, will most +assuredly die with them. + +Everything will, by degrees, find its level; but this level is not to be +found at once. Should peace continue, ten years from this date will +make a great alteration in every article, not only of necessity, but of +luxury; and then, after having been the dearest, England will become the +cheapest residence in the world. House rent in the capitals abroad is +certainly as dear, if not dearer than it is in England. There are +situations more or less fashionable in every metropolis; and if you wish +to reside in those quarters, you pay accordingly. It is true that, by +taking a portion of a house, you to a certain degree indemnify +yourself;--a first, second, or third story, with a common staircase +loaded with dirt and filth; but is this equal to the comfort of a clean +English house, in which you have your own servants, and are not +overlooked by your neighbours? If they were to let out houses in floors +in England as they do in Paris and elsewhere, a less sum would be +demanded. You may procure a handsome house in a fashionable quarter, +well furnished, in London, for 300 pounds per annum. Go to the Place +Vendome, or those quarters styled the English quarters, at Paris, and +which are by no means the most fashionable quarters, and you will pay +for a handsome front floor 700 francs per month; so that for one floor +of a house in Paris you will pay 336 pounds per annum, when in London +you will obtain the whole house for 300 pounds. The proprietor of the +Paris house, therefore, receives much more by letting his floors +separate than the English do. The common articles of necessity are as +dear, if not dearer abroad; the _octroi_ duty upon all that enters the +barriers raising the price excessively. Meat at Paris or Brussels is as +dear as in London, and not so good; it is as dear, because they charge +you the same price all round, about 5 pence per pound, independent of +its inferiority and the villainous manner in which it is cut up. Our +butchers only butcher the animal, but foreign butchers butcher the meat. +Poultry is as dear; game much dearer; and so is fish. Indeed, fish is +not only dear, but scarce and bad. Horses and carriages are quite as +dear abroad, in the capitals, as in London. Clothes are in some +respects cheaper, in others dearer, especially articles of English +manufacture, which are more sought after than any others. + +Amusements are said to be cheaper; but, admitting that, the places of +amusement are oftener resorted to, and in consequence as much money is +spent abroad as in England. It is true that there are an immense number +of theatres in Paris, and that most of them are very reasonable in their +charges for admission; but be it recollected that there are not above +three of them which are considered fashionable, if even respectable; and +there the prices are sufficiently high. If people went to Sadler's +Wells, the Coburg, Victoria, Queen's Theatre, Astley's, and other minor +theatres in London, as they do to the Theatres Saint Martin, Gymnase, et +Varietes at Paris, they would find no great difference in the prices. + +What then is there cheaper? Wine. I grant it; and, it is also +asserted, the education of children. We will pass over these two last +points for the present, and examine whether living is cheaper on the +Continent, provided you do _not_ hive in any of the capitals. + +That at Tours and other places in the south of France, at Genoa, at +Bruges, in Belgium, you may live cheaper than in London, I grant; but if +any one means to assert that you can live cheaper than in the country in +England, I deny it altogether. People go abroad, and select the +cheapest parts of the Continent to live in. If they were to do the same +in England, they would find that they could live much cheaper and much +better; for instance, in Devonshire, Cornwall, and Wales, and, indeed, +in almost every county in England. + +The fact is, it is not the cheapness of the living which induces so many +people to reside abroad. There are many reasons; and as I wish to be +charitable, I will put forward the most favourable ones. + +In England, we are money-making people, and we have the aristocracy of +wealth as well _as_ the aristocracy of rank. It has long been the +custom for many people to live beyond their incomes, and to keep up an +appearance which their means have not warranted. Many, especially the +landed proprietors, finding their rentals reduced from various causes, +have been necessitated to retrench. They were too proud to put down +their carriages and establishments before the eyes of those who had +perhaps looked upon them with envy, and whose derision or exultation +they anticipated. They therefore have retired to the Continent, where a +carriage is not necessary to prove that you are a gentleman. Should +those return who have emigrated for the above reasons, they would find +that this striving for show is hardly perceptible now in England. Those +who have remained have either had sense enough, or have been forced by +circumstances, to reduce their expenditure. + +Another cause is the easy introduction into what is called good society +abroad on the Continent, but which is in reality very bad society. +Certainly there are a sufficient number of Counts, Viscounts, and +Marquesses to associate with; but in France high birth is not proved by +titles, which are of little or no value, and do not even establish +gentility. This society may certainly be entered into at a much less +expense than that of England, especially in the metropolis; but, depend +upon it, there is a species of society dear at any price. + +With respect to education of children, that boys may receive advantage +from a Continental education I admit; but woe be to the mother who +intrusts her daughter to the ruin of a French _Pension_! + +In England there are many excellent schools in the country, as cheap and +cheaper than on the Continent: but the schoolmasters near London, +generally speaking, are ruining them by their adherence to the old +system, and their extravagant terms. The _system_ of education on the +Continent is certainly superior to that of England, and the attention to +the pupils is greater: of course there are bad schools abroad as well as +in England; but the balance is much in favour of those on the Continent, +with the advantage of being at nearly one-half the expense. A great +alteration has taken place in modern education; the living languages and +mathematics have been found to be preferable to the classics and other +instruction still adhered to in the English schools. + +I have always considered, and have every reason to be confirmed in my +opinion, that the foundation of all education is mathematics. Every +thing else may be obtained by rote, and without thinking; but from the +elements of arithmetic up to Euclid and algebra, no boy can work his +task without thinking. I never yet knew a man who was a good +mathematician who was not well-informed upon almost every point; and the +reason is clear--mathematics have prepared his mind to receive and +retain. In all foreign schools this important branch of education is +more attended to than it is in England; and that alone would be a +sufficient reason for me to give them the preference. In point of +morals, I consider the schools of both countries much upon a par; +although, from the system abroad of never debasing a child by corporal +punishment, I give the foreign schools the preference even in that +point. + +I consider, then, that boys are better educated abroad than in England, +and acquire much more correctly the living languages, which are of more +use to them than the classics. So much I can say in favour of the +Continent; but in every other respect I consider the advantage in favour +of England. Young women who have been brought up abroad I consider, +generally speaking, as unfitted for English wives; and that in this +opinion I am not singular, I know well from conversation with young men +at the clubs and elsewhere. Mothers who have returned with their +daughters full of French fashions and ideas, and who imagine that they +will inevitably succeed in making good matches, would be a little +mortified and surprised to hear the young men, when canvassing among +themselves the merits of the other sex, declare that "such a young lady +may be very handsome and very clever, but she has received a +_Continental education_, and that won't do for them." Many mothers +imagine, because their daughters, who are bold and free in their +manners, and talk and laugh loud, are surrounded by young men, while the +modest girl, who holds aloof, is apparently neglected, that their +daughters are more admired; but this is a great mistake. Men like that +boldness, that coquetry, that dash, if I may use the term, because it +amuses for the time being; but although they may pay attention to women +on that account, marrying them is quite another affair. No: the modest +retiring girl, who is apparently passed by, becomes the wife; the others +are flattered before their faces, and laughed at behind their backs. It +certainly is unmanly, on the part of our sex, to behave in this manner, +to encourage young women in their follies, and ruin them for their own +amusement; as Shakespeare says:-- + + "Shame to him whose cruel striking + Kills for faults of his own liking." + +But so it is, and so it will be so long as the world lasts, and mankind +is no better than it is at present. + +If then, as I have asserted, there is so little to be gained by leaving +a comfortable home, what is the inducement which takes so many people +abroad to settle there? I am afraid that the true reason has been given +by the author whom I now quote. Speaking of the French metropolis, she +says-- + +"I have been lately trying to investigate the nature of the charm which +renders Paris so favourite a sojourn of the English. + +"In point of gaiety (for gaiety read dissipation) it affords nothing +comparable with that of London. A few ministerial fetes every winter +may perhaps exceed in brilliancy the balls given in our common routine +of things; but for one entertainment in Paris at least thirty take place +_chez nous_. Society is established with us on a wider and more +splendid scale. The weekly _soirees_, on the other hand, which properly +represent the society of this place, are dull, meagre, and formal to the +last degree of formality. There is no brilliant point of reunion as at +Almack's,--no theatre uniting, like our Italian Opera, the charm of the +best company, the best music, and the best dancing. Of the thousand and +one theatres boasted of by the Parisians, only three are of a nature to +be frequented by people of consideration, the remainder being as much +out of the question as the Pavilion or the Garrick. Dinner parties +there are none; water parties none; _dejeuners_, unless given by a +foreign ambassadress, none. A thousand accessories to London amusements +are here wanting. In the month of May, I am told, the public gardens +and the Bois de Boulogne become enchanting. But what is not charming in +the month of May? Paris, perhaps, least of all places; for at the +commencement of the month every French family of note quits the +metropolis for its country seat, or for sea or mineral bathing. +Foreigners and the mercantile and ministerial classes alone remain. +What, then, I would fain discover, constitutes the peculiar merit of +inducing persons uninstigated by motives of economy to fix themselves in +the comfortless and filthy city, and call it Paradise? Alas! my +solution of the problem is far from honourable to the taste of our +absentees. _In Paris people are far less amenable than in London to the +tribunal of public opinion_; or, as a lady once very candidly said to +me, `One gets rid of one's friends and relations.'" + +Indeed, there are so many petty annoyances and vexatious of life +attendant upon residents abroad, that it must require some strong +motives to induce them to remain. Wherever the English settle they +raise the price of everything, much to the annoyance of the _rentiers_ +and respectable people of the place, although of advantage to the +country generally. The really highbred and aristocratic people will not +associate with the English, and look upon them with any feeling but good +will. With regard to servants, they are invariably badly served, +although they pay two or three times the wages that are paid by the +inhabitants, who, in most places, have made it a rule never to take a +domestic that has once lived in an English family; the consequence is +that those engaged by the English are of the worst description, a sort +of _pariahs_ among the community, who extort and cheat their employers +without mercy. If not permitted so to do, they leave them at a minutes +warning; and you cannot go to any foreign colony of English people +without listening to very justified tirades of the villany of the +servants. Upon the same principle, there are few places abroad where +the tradespeople have not two prices; one for the English, and the other +for the inhabitants. + +I was in company with an English lady of title, who gave me a very +amusing instance of the insolence of the Belgian servants. She had a +large family to bring up on a limited income, and had taken up her abode +at Brussels. It should be observed that the Belgians treat their +servants like dogs, and yet it is only with the Belgians that they will +behave well. This lady, finding her expenses very much exceeding her +means, so soon as she had been some time in the country, attempted a +reformation. Inquiring of some Belgian families with whom she was +acquainted what were the just proportions allowed by them to their +servants, she attempted by degrees to introduce the same system. The +first article of wasteful expenditure was bread, and she put them upon +an allowance. The morning after she was awoke with a loud hammering in +the saloon below, the reason of which she could not comprehend; but on +going down to breakfast she found one of the long loaves made in the +country nailed up with tenpenny nails over the mantelpiece. She sent to +inquire who had done it, and one of the servants immediately replied +that she had nailed it there that my lady might see that the bread did +not go too fast. + +There is another point on which the English abroad have long complained, +and with great justice,--which is, that in every litigation or petty +dispute which may appear before a smaller or more important tribunal, +from the Juge de Paix to the Cour de Cassation, the verdict invariably +is given against them. I never _heard_ an instance to the contrary, +although there may have been some. In no case can an Englishman obtain +justice; the detention of his property without just cause, all that he +considers as law and justice in his own country, is overruled: he is +obliged to submit to the greatest insults, or consent to the greatest +imposition. This is peculiarly, observable at Paris and Brussels, and +it is almost a _jour de fete_ to a large portion of the inhabitants when +they hear that an Englishman has been thrown into prison. It must, +however, be acknowledged that most of this arises not only from the wish +of the rentiers, or those who live upon their means (who have these +means crippled by the concourse of English raising the price of every +article), that the English should leave and return to their own country; +but also from the number of bad characters who, finding their position +in society no longer tenable in England, hasten abroad, and, by their +conduct, leave a most unfavourable impression of the English character, +which, when Englishmen _only travelled_, stood high, but, now they +reside to economise, is at its lowest ebb; for the only charm which the +English had in the eyes of needy foreigners was their lavishing their +money as they passed through the country, enriching a portion of the +community without increasing the prices of consumption to the whole. + +As a proof of the insolence to which the English are subjected, I will +give the reader a verbatim copy of a letter sent to me by a friend not +more than a year ago. I have heard of such a circumstance taking place +in France, but then the innkeeper was a Chevalier of the Legion of +Honour; but this case is even more remarkable. Depend upon it, those +who travel will find many a Monsieur Disch before they are at the end of +their journey. I will vouch for the veracity of every word in the +letter:-- + + "Wisbaden, July 3, 1836. +"My Dear --, As you kindly said that you would be glad to hear of our +progress when any opportunity offered of writing you a letter, I now +avail myself of some friends passing through Brussels to let you know +that thus far we have proceeded in health and safety; but whether we +shall complete our project of wintering in Italy seems more and more +doubtful, as I believe the cholera to be doing its work pretty actively +in some of the states we propose to visit; and a gentleman told me +yesterday, who has lately left the country, that the Pope is so glad of +an excuse to keep heretics out of his dominions, that he has never taken +off the quarantine: so that, under any circumstances, we must vegetate +in some frontier hole for a fortnight before we can be admitted; a +circumstance in itself sufficiently deterring, in my opinion. Besides +which, what with the perplexity of the coinage, and the constant attempt +at pillage which we have already met with, and which, I am told, is +quadrupled on the other side of the Alps, such a counterbalance exists +to any of the enjoyments of travelling, that I am heartily weary of the +continual skirmishing and _warfare_ I am subjected to;--warfare indeed, +as at Cologne I was _called out_. The story is too good to be lost, so +I will tell it for your amusement and that of our friends at Brussels; +moreover that you may caution every one against Mons. Disch, of the +Cour Imperiale:--We had _marchandeed_ with Madame Disch for rooms, who +at last agreed to _our_ terms; but when the bill came, she changed her +_own_. We remonstrated, and the bill was altered; but Mons. Disch made +his appearance before I could pay it, insisting on the larger sum, +saying his wife had no business to make a bargain for him. I +remonstrated in vain, and Mrs -- commenced most eloquently to state the +case: he was, however, deaf to reason, argument, eloquence, and beauty. +At last I said, `Do not waste words the matter, I will pay the fellow +and have done with him, taking care that neither I nor my friends will +ever come to his house again,' at the same time snatching the bill from +his hand when he demanded, in a great fury, what I meant by that; +exclaiming, `I am Germans gentlemans,--you English gentlemans, I +challenge you--I challenge you.' Although somewhat wroth before this. +I was so amused that I laughed in the rascal's face, which doubled his +rage, and he reiterated his mortal defiance; adding,--`I was in London +last year; they charge me twelve--fourteen shillings for my dinner at +coffee-house, but I too much gentlemans to ask them take off one +farding. I challenge you--I challenge you.' I then said, `Hold your +tongue, sir; take your money and be off.' `Me take money!' replied he; +`me take money! No, my servant take money; I too much gentlemans to +take money.' Upon which the waiter swept the cash off the table, handed +it to his master, who immediately sacked it and walked off." + +I certainly have myself come to the conclusion that the idea of going +abroad for economy is most erroneous. As I have before observed, the +only article, except education, which is cheaper, is wine; and I am +afraid, considering the thirsty propensities of my countrymen, that is a +very strong attraction with the nobler sex. If claret and all other +French wines were admitted into England at a much lower duty, they would +be almost as cheap in England as they are in foreign capitals; and, as +the increased consumption would more than indemnify the government, it +is to be lamented that it is not so arranged.--Formerly we shut out the +French wines, and admitted those of Portugal, as our ancient ally; but +our ancient ally has shown any thing but good-will towards us lately, +and we are at all events under no further obligation to support her +interests. Let us admit French wines in bottles at a very low duty, and +then England will be in every respect as cheap, and infinitely more +comfortable as a residence than any part of the Continent. The +absentees who are worth reclaiming will return; those who prefer to +remain on the Continent are much better there than if they were +contaminating their countrymen with their presence. How true is the +following observation from the author I before quoted on her return from +abroad:-- + +"Home, home at last. How clean, how cheerful, how comfortable! I was +shown at Marthien the shabby, dirty-looking lodgings where the -- are +economising, in penance for the pleasure of one little year spent in +this charming house! Poor people! How they must long for England! how +they must miss the thousand trivial but essential conveniences devised +here for the civilisation of human life! What an air of decency and +respectfulness about the servants! what a feeling of homeishness in a +house exclusively our own! The modes of life may be easier on the +Continent,--but it is the ease of a beggar's ragged coat which has +served twenty masters, and is twitched off and on till it scarcely holds +together, in comparison with the decent, close-fitting suit +characteristic of a gentleman." + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY. + + Brussels. +Authors, like doctors, are very apt to disagree. Reading, the other +day, a very amusing publication, called the "Diary of a Desennuyee," +some passages in it induced me to fall back upon Henry Bulwer's work on +France. Among his remarks upon literary influence in that country, he +has the following:-- + +"A literary Frenchman, whom I met not long ago in Paris, said to me that +a good-natured young English nobleman, whom I will not name, had told +him that dancers and singers were perfectly well received in English +society, but not men of letters. + +"`Est il possible qu'on soit si barbare chez vous?'" + +He subsequently adds:--"To be known as a writer is certainly to your +prejudice. + +"First, people presume you are not what they call a gentleman; and the +grandfather who, if you were a banker or a butcher, or of any other +calling or profession, would be left quiet in his tomb, is evoked +against you." + +Mr Bulwer then proceeds with a variety of argument to prove that +literary men are not _Maecenased_ by either the government or +aristocracy of Great Britain. He points out the advantages which the +French literati have from their Institute, the ennoblements, the +decorations, and pensions which they receive; and certainly makes out a +strong case. + +The author of the "Diary" would attempt to deny the statements of Mr +Bulwer; but, in the very denial, she admits all his points but one--to +wit that they are not so well received by the aristocracy in England as +they are in France. + +She says-- + +"What does Henry Bulwer mean by the assertion that literary men are more +eagerly welcomed in society here than in England? + +"They occupy, perhaps, a more independent and honourable position, are +less exposed to being lionised by patronising dowagers, and more sure of +obtaining public preferment; but, with the exception of Mignet and +Merimee--who are courted for their personal merits and official standing +rather than for their literary distinctions--I have scarcely met one of +them. To the parties of the ministers of the _Grand Referendaire_, and +other public functionaries, artists and men of letters are admitted as +part of a political system; but they are not to be found--like Moore, +Rogers, Chantrey, Newton, and others--in the boudoirs of the _elite_, or +the select fetes of a Devonshire House. + +"The calling of `_un homme de lettres_' is here, however, a profession +bearing its own rewards and profits, and forming an especial and +independent class. In common with the artists they look to ennoblement +in the Academy, and under the existing order of things have been richly +endowed with places and pensions." + +It appears then, in France, that to the parties of ministers, etcetera, +they are admitted as a part of the political system; and further, that +they have been festered by the government, by being ennobled and richly +endowed with places and pensions. Therefore, upon his opponent's own +showing, Henry Bulwer has made out his case. In another part of the +same work there is the following amusing passage, in advice given by a +lady of fashion to her protegee upon entering into London society. + +"`Pore over their books as much as you please, but do not so much as dip +into the authors,' said she, when I proposed an introduction to one of +the most popular authors of the day. `These people expend their spirit +on their works--the part that walks through society is a mere lump of +clay, like the refuse of the wine-press after the wine has been +expressed.' In conversing with a clever author you sometimes see a new +idea brighten his eye or create a smile round his lip; but for worlds he +would not give it utterance. It belongs to his next work, and is +instantly booked in the ledger of his daily thoughts, value 3 shillings +6 pence. The man's mind is his mine; he can't afford to work it gratis, +or give away the produce." + +If we are to draw any inference from this extract, it is, that although +some noblemen do extend their patronage to literary men, at all events +the general feeling is against them. I must say that I never was more +amused than when I read the above sarcasm. There is much truth in it, +and yet it is not true. In future when I _do_ say good things, as they +call them, in company, I shall know precise value of my +expenditure during the dinner or evening party by reckoning up the +three-and-sixpences. One thing is clear, that if an author say half a +dozen good things, he fully pays for his dinner. + +In the "Student," Edward Bulwer makes some remarks which range in +opposition to the author of the above "Diary." In arguing that most +authors may be known by their works, he says-- + +"Authors are the only men we really do know; the rest of mankind die +with only the surface of their character understood." + +It appears, then, that people have no excuse for being disappointed in +authors; when they meet them in company they have but to read their +works, and if they like the works they must live the authors. Before I +proceed I must be permitted to make a remark here. An author's opinion +given as his own will allow the public to have an insight into his +character and feelings, and the public are justified in forming their +opinions of an author upon such grounds. But it too often happens that +the public will form their opinion of an author from opinions put by him +into the mouths of the characters drawn in a work of fiction, forgetting +that in these instances it is not the author who speaks, but the +individuals which his imagination has conjured up; and that the opinions +expressed by these creatures of his brain, although perfectly in keeping +with the character, and necessary to produce that _vraisemblance_ which +is the great merit of fiction, may be entirely opposed to the real +sentiments of the author. The true merit of fiction, and that which is +essential to its success, is the power of the author at the time that he +is writing to divest himself, as it were, of himself, and be for the +time the essence of the character which he is delineating. It is +therefore a great injustice to an author to accuse him of being an +infidel because his infidel character is well portrayed, particularly +as, if he is equally fortunate in describing a character which is +perfect, the public do not ever give him the credit for similar +perfection. That is quite another affair. Again, Edward Bulwer says, +in opposition to the poverty of the _mine_:-- + +"A man is, I suspect, but of a second-rate order whose genius is not +immeasurably above his works,--who does not feel within him an +inexhaustible affluence of thoughts, feelings, and invention, which he +never will have leisure to embody in print. He will die and leave only +a thousandth part of his wealth to posterity, which is his heir." + +I like to bring all in juxtaposition. There is excitement in making +mischief, and that is the reason why people are so fond of it. Still, +the question at issue ought to be fairly decided; and, as in case of +arbitration, when the disputants cannot agree, a third party is called +in by mutual consent, I shall venture to take upon myself that office, +and will fairly argue the point, as there is more dependent upon it +than, upon the first view, the question may appear to merit. + +If we turn back to the last century, in what position shall we find +authors?--looking up to patrons among the aristocracy, and dedicating +their works to them in panegyrics, fulsome from their obsequiousness and +flattery. At that period the aristocracy and the people were much wider +apart than they are at present. + +Gradually the people have advanced; and, as they have advanced, so have +the authors thrown off the trammels of servitude, and have attacked the +vices and follies as well as the privileges of those to whom they once +bowed the knee. + +The advancement of the people, and the lowering of the aristocracy, have +both been effected through the medium of the press. The position of +authors has been much altered. Formerly we behold such men as Dryden, +Otway, and many others (giants in their days), humbling themselves for +bread. Now we have seldom a dedication, and of those few we have the +flattery is delicate. The authors look to the public as their patrons, +and the aristocracy are considered but as a part and portion of it. +These remarks equally hold good with respect to the government. Authors +are not to be so easily purchased as formerly; they prefer writing in +conformity with public opinion to writing for government, because they +are better remunerated. Now, if it will be recalled to mind that in the +rapid march of the people, in their assertion of their right to a +greater share in the government of the country, in the pointing out and +correcting of abuses, and in the breaking down of all the defences which +have gradually yielded in so many years, it is the authors and the press +who have led the van, and that in these continual inroads the +aristocracy have been the party attacked,--it is no wonder that there +has arisen, unwittingly perhaps on the part of the aristocracy, a +feeling against the press and against authors in general. + +The press has been, and will probably for a long while continue to be, +the enemy of the aristocracy; and it is hardly reasonable to expect that +the aristocracy should admit the enemy within its camp. For, be it +observed, whether a man write a political pamphlet or a novel, he has +still the same opportunity of expressing his sentiments, of flattering +the public by espousing their opinions; and as a writer of fiction, +perhaps, his opinions have more effect that as a pamphleteer. In the +first instance, you are prepared to expect a political partisan; in the +latter, you read for amusement, and unconsciously receive the bias. For +one who reads a political pamphlet (by-the-by, they are generally only +read by those who are of the same way of thinking as the author) there +are hundreds who read through a work of fiction, so that the opinions of +the latter are much more widely disseminated. Now, as most works are +written for profit as well as reputation, they are naturally so worded +as to insure the good-will of the majority, otherwise they would not +have so extensive a sale. The majority being decidedly liberal, every +work that now appears more or less attacks the higher orders. When, +therefore, a gentleman who has been well received in the best society +ventures upon writing a work, it is quite sufficient to state that he is +an author (without his book being read) to occasion him to "_lose +caste_" to a certain degree. Authors have been the enemies of the +higher classes. You have become an author--consequently you have ranked +yourself with our enemies. Henry Bulwer, therefore, is right where he +asserts that "to be known as an author is to your prejudice among the +higher classes." + +Having made these observations to point out that the aristocracy and the +press are at variance, let us now examine into the merits of authors, as +mixing in society. And here I think it will be proved that it is more +their misfortune than their fault that there should be a prejudice +against them. They are overrated before they are seen, and underrated +afterwards. + +You read the works of an author--you are pleased with them, and you wish +to become acquainted with the man. You anticipate great pleasure--you +expect from his lips, in _impromptu_, the same racy remarks, the same +chain of reasoning, the same life and vigour which have cost him so many +hours of labour and reflection, or which have been elicited in his +happiest moods, and this from a person who comes, perhaps, almost a +total stranger into a large company. Is this fair or just to him? Did +you find any of your other friends, at first meeting, play the fiddle to +a whole company of strangers? Are not authors as reserved and shy as +other people--even more so? And yet you ask them, as if they were +mountebanks or jugglers with a certain set of tricks, to amuse the +company. The very circumstance of being aware that this is expected of +him makes the man silent, and his very anxiety to come up to your +expectations takes away from his power. + +The consequence is, that you are disappointed, and so are the company, +to whom you have announced that "Mr So-and-So" is to meet them. Had +you become intimate with this person you would perhaps have found the +difference, and that he whom you pronounced as so great a failure, would +have turned out equally amusing. At the same time there is some truth +in the remarks of the "Desennuyee" that "some authors will not let out +their new ideas, because they require them for their books." But, as +Bulwer observes, they must be but second-raters, as the majority of +authors are. + +In many instances they are punsters; but punning is not a standard of +authorship; or, perhaps, there may be other second-rate authors present, +and if so, they know that they are in the company of literary +pickpockets. + +To prove that this remark of the "Desennuyee" can only apply to +second-rate authors, let us examine into the conversational powers of +those who are first-rate. And here I can only speak of those whom I +have known--there may be many others. Where could you find such +conversationists as Coleridge, Charles Lamb, Sir John Malcolm, and many +others, who are now gone? And among those in existence, I have but to +mention Croker, Theodore Hooke, Professor Wilson, Bulwer, Lockhart, the +Smiths, and, in the other sex, Lady Blessington, Lady Morgan, Mesdames +Somerville, Austin, and Jameson. + +Now these are all first-rate authors in their various styles; and I can +challenge any one to bring forward an equal number out of the whole mass +who are so powerful or delightful in society. And there is still more +to be said in favour of authors. I know many whose conversation is +superior to their writings; I will not name them as they, perhaps, would +not consider this to be a compliment but it fully tends to disprove the +remarks of the "Desennuyee" as to authors of talent reserving their +thoughts for their hooks, for, on the _contrary_, when in company, they +generally take the lead. Still, there is a difference arising from the +variety of temperament: some, accustomed to mix constantly in society, +will be indifferent whether they are acquainted with the parties present +or not; others, more retiring, require to feel at their ease, and it is +only in small coteries, and among friends, that their real value can be +appreciated. Theodore Hooke is a proof of the former, the late Charles +Lamb was of the latter. Some shine most when they have no competitors; +others are only to be brought out when other men of talent are in +company, and, like the flint and steel, their sparks are only to be +produced by collision. + +If I might be permitted to offer an opinion to the authors themselves, +it would be, not to mix in general company, but confine themselves to +their own friends. They would stand much higher in reputation if they +adhered to this plan; above all, let them avoid what the author of the +"Desennuyee" terms those "Skinnerian lion feeds" given by those who have +no talent to appreciate, and who, to fill their menagerie, will mix you +up with foreign swindlers, and home-bred ruffians. This is most +humiliating and has certainly injured the fraternity. + +I have but one more remark to make. Authors in England have little to +expect from the Government and the aristocracy. Pensions and honours +have been given, but until Sir Robert Peel set a more worthy example, +they were bestowed for the support of political opinions, not as a +reward of talent. That the aristocracy, with but a few exceptions, have +not fostered talent, is most true; and they are now suffering from their +want of judgment. They have shut their doors to authors, and the +authors have been gradually undermining their power. To what extent +this may be carried, it is impossible to say; but one thing is certain, +that the press is more powerful than either king or lords, and that, if +the conflict continue, the latter must yield to the influence of the +former, who will have ample retaliation for the neglect to which they +have been subjected. + +What a superiority there is in England over France, and every other +nation, in the periodical and daily press, especially in the latter! +Take up the "Constitutionnel," or "Journal des Debats" at Paris, and +then look at the broad double sheets of the "Times" and other morning +papers, with the columns of information and original matter which they +contain. Compare the flimsy sheets, bad printing, and general paucity +of information of the continental daily press, with the clear types, +rapid steam power called into action, the outlay, enormous expenditure, +and rapid information obtained by our leading journals from all quarters +of the globe. I have looked with astonishment and admiration at the +working of the "Times" newspaper by its beautiful steam-engine; it is +one of the most interesting sights that can be beheld. + +Nothing but the assistance of steam could, indeed, enable the great +daily newspapers to accomplish their present task. When the reader +calls to mind that the debates in the House are sometimes kept up till +two or three o'clock in the morning; that the reporters, relieved every +twenty minutes, have to carry all their communications to the office; +that all this matter has to be arranged, put in type, and then worked +off; and that, notwithstanding this, the double sheet of matter is on +thousands and thousands of tables by nine o'clock the next morning, it +is really wonderful how it can be accomplished. Saturday night appears +to be the only night on which those connected with these immense, +undertakings can be said to have any repose from year's end to year's +end. What a life of toil what an unnatural life must theirs be, who +thus cater during the hours of darkness for the information and +amusement of the mass who have slept soundly through the night, and rise +to be instructed by the labour of their vigils! It can be effected in +no other country in the world. It is another link in the great chain of +miracles, which proves the greatness of England. + +The editors of these papers must have a most onerous task. It is not +the writing of the leading article itself, but the obligation to write +that article every day, whether inclined or not, in sickness or in +health, in affliction, distress of mind, winter and summer, year after +year, tied down to one task, remaining in one spot. It is something +like the walking a thousand miles in a thousand hours. I have a +fellow-feeling for them, for I know how a monthly periodical will wear +down one's existence. In itself it appears nothing--the labour is not +manifest nor is it the labour--it is the continual attention which it +requires. Your life becomes as it were the magazine. One month is no +sooner corrected and printed than on comes the other. It is the stone +of Sisyphus--an endless repetition of toil--a constant weight upon the +mind--a continual wearing upon the intellect and spirits, demanding all +the exertion of your faculties, at the same time that you are compelled +to do the severest drudgery. To write for a magazine is very well, but +to edit one is to condemn yourself to slavery. + +Magazine writing, as it is generally termed, is the most difficult of +all writing, and but few succeed in it; the reason of which is obvious-- +it must always be what is termed "up to the mark." + +Any one who publishes a work in one, two, or three volumes, may be +permitted to introduce a dull chapter or two: no one remarks it; indeed, +these dull chapters allow the mind of the reader to relax for the time, +and, strange to say, are sometimes favourable to the author. But in +magazine-writing these cannot be permitted; the reader requires +excitement, and whether the article be political or fictitious, there +requires a condensation of matter, a pithiness of expression (to enable +you to tell your story in so small a space), which is very difficult to +obtain. Even in continuations the same rule must be adhered to, for, +being read month after month, each separate portion must be considered +as a whole and independents of the other; it must not therefore flag for +one minute. A proof of this was given in that very remarkable +production in "Blackwood's Magazine," styled "Tom Cringle's Log." Every +separate portion was devoured by the public--they waited impatiently for +the first of the month that they might read the continuation, and every +one was delighted, oven to its close, because the excitement was so +powerful. Some time afterwards the work was published in two volumes, +and then, what was the consequence?--people complained that it was +overcharged--that it was too full of excitement--gave no repose. This +was true; when collected together it had that fault--a very good one, by +the by, as well as a very uncommon one; but they did not perceive that +until it was all published together. During the time that it came out +in fragments they were delighted. Although, in this instance, the +writing was overcharged, still it proved, from the popularity it +obtained when it appeared in the magazine, what force and condensation +of matter is required in writing for periodicals. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY ONE. + +I am grave to-day; it is the birth-day of one of my children--a day so +joyful in youth, in more advanced life so teeming with thought and +serious reflections. How happy the child is--and it is its happiness +which has made me grave. + +How changed are our feelings as we advance in life!--Our responsibility +is increased with each fleeting year. In youth we live but for +ourselves--self predominates in every thing. In mature age, if we have +fulfilled the conditions of our tenure, we feel that we must live for +our children. Fortunately, increase of years weans us from those +selfish and frivolous expenses which youth requires, and we feel it +little or no sacrifice to devote to our children the means which, +before, we considered so important to the gratification of our pride and +our ambition. Not that we have lost either our pride or our ambition, +but they have become centred in other objects dearer to us than +ourselves--in the race springing up--to whom we shall leave our names +and worldly possessions when our own career is closed. + +Worn out with the pursuit of vanity, we pause at a certain age, and come +to the conclusion that in this life we require but little else than to +eat, drink, prepare for a future existence, and to die. + +What a miserable being must an old bachelor be!--he vegetates, but he +cannot be said to exist--he passes his life in one long career of +selfishness, and dies. Strange, that children, and the responsibility +attached to their welfare, should do more to bring a man into the right +path than any denunciations from holy writ or holy men! How many who +might have been lost, have been, it is to be hoped, saved, from the +feeling that they must leave their children a good name, and must +provide for their support and advancement in life! Yes, and how many +women, after a life so frivolous as to amount to wickedness, have, from +their attachment to their offspring, settled down into the redeeming +position of careful, anxious, and serious-minded mothers! + +Such reflections will rise upon a birth-day, and many more of chequered +hopes and fears. How long will these flowers, now blossoming so fairly, +be permitted to remain with us? Will they be mowed down before another +birth-day, or will they be permitted to live to pass through the ordeal +of this life of temptation? How will they combat? Will they fall and +disgrace their parents, or will they be a pride and blessing? Will it +please Heaven to allow them to be not too much tempted, not overcome by +sickness, or that they shall be severely chastised? Those germs of +virtue now appearing, those tares now growing up with the corn--will the +fruit bring forth good seed? will the latter be effectually rooted up by +precept and example? How much to encourage! and how much to check! +Virtues in excess are turned to vice--liberality becomes extravagance-- +prudence, avarice--courage, rashness--love, weakness--even religion may +turn to fanaticism--and superior intellect may, in its daring, mock the +power which granted it. Alas! what a responsibility is here. A man may +enjoy or suffer when he lives for himself alone; but he is doubly blest +or doubly cursed when, in his second stage, he is visited through his +children. What a blessing is our ignorance of the future! Fatal, +indeed, to all happiness in this world would be a foreknowledge of that +which is to come. We have but to do our duty and hope for the best, +acknowledging, however severe may be the dispensation, that whatever is, +or is to be, is right. + +How strange, although we feel in the midst of life we are in death, that +mortals should presume to reduce it to a nice calculation, and speculate +upon it! I can sell my life now to an annuity-office for twenty years' +purchase or more, and they will share a dividend upon it. Well, if ever +I do insure my life, I hope that by _me_ they will lose money, for, like +every body else in this world, I have a great many things to do before I +die. There was but one man I ever heard of who could lie down and die, +saying, "Now, Lord, let thy servant depart in peace." I have no warning +yet, no screw is loose in this complex mechanism; and yet, this very +day, a chimney-pot may fall on my head, and put an end to all my +calculations. + +It is right that the precarious tenure of our existence should not be +wholly forgotten, but certainly was never intended that it should be +borne on the mind, for, if we had ever in our memory that we may die +this very hour, what a check there would be to all energy, and +enterprise, and industry. Who would speculate with the anticipation of +large returns upon some future day, if he did not calculate upon living +to receive them? We should all stop to say _Cui bono_? If it were not +that our hopes support us, not only support us in all reasonable, but +even unreasonable calculations, the world would be at a stand-still. +No, no! we have our duty to perform towards our God; but we are also +enjoined to perform our duty towards our neighbour. The uncertainty of +life is to be remembered as a check to our worldly passions, but not as +a drag-chain to our worldly career. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY TWO. + + En route, August, 1837. +There is a great art in packing property, and in it our profession are +fortunately adepts. A midshipman, for instance, contrives to put every +thing at the bottom of his chest. No very easy matter to pack up and +arrange a carriage full of children, two birds, and a spaniel puppy--in +all, twelve living beings with all their appendages, down to the birds +and dogs' tails. As for packing up a dog, that is impossible; the best +way is to pack it off. Canary birds travel very well in the carriage +lamps, in the summer time, when they are not lighted; and I mention this +as a hint to those who travel with such indispensable appendages; +independent of their being out of the way, their appearance behind the +glass is a source of great amusement to those who are standing by where +you change horses. + +Stopped at Saint Frond, and asked what was to be seen. Nothing here but +churches and monks. One of the little girls, three years old, looked +with avidity at the Virgin Mary, three feet high, in gold brocade. The +old verger observing this, led her nearer to it, ascribing her +admiration probably to piety, when, to his horror, she screamed out, +"_Quel jolie poupee_!" Solomon says, "Out of the mouths of babes shall +ye be taught wisdom." The old man dropped her hand, and looked as if he +would have lighted the faggots had she been bound to the stake, as she, +in his opinion, deserved. + +The perseverance of Belgian beggars is most remarkable, and equally +annoying. The best way is to take out your purse, and pretend to throw +something over their heads; they turn back to look for it; and if you +keep pointing farther off, you distance them. On the whole, I consider +that it is much more advisable not to give to beggars, than to relieve +them. Begging is demoralising, and should be discountenanced in every +country. If children are brought up to whine, cry, and humiliate +themselves as in Belgium, that feeling of pride and independence in +early youth, which leads to industry in after life, is destroyed. And +yet, the aged and infirm would appear to be proper objects of charity. +In many cases, of course, they must be; but to prove how you may be +deceived, I will state a circumstance which occurred to me some years +ago. + +I was driving up the road with a friend. He was one of the pleasantest +and most honest men that nature ever moulded. His death was most +extraordinary: of a nervous temperament, ill health ended in aberration +of intellect. At that time Lord Castlereagh had ended his life of +over-excitement by suicide; the details in the newspapers were read by +him, and he fancied that he was Lord Castlereagh. Acting precisely by +the accounts recorded in the newspapers, he went through the same forms, +and actually divided his carotid artery, using his penknife, as had done +the unfortunate peer. Peace be with him! To proceed. I was driving in +a gig, a distance of about forty miles from town, on the Northern Road, +when, at the bottom of a steep hill, we fell in with a group who were +walking up it. It consisted of a venerable old man, with his grey locks +falling down on his shoulders, dressed as a countryman, with a bundle on +a stick over his shoulders; with him were a young man and woman, both +heavily burdened, and five children of different sizes. The appearance +of the old man was really patriarchal, and there was a placidity in his +countenance which gave a very favourable impression. For a short time +they continued breasting the hill on the pathway: when about one-third +up, the old man crossed the road to us, as our horse was walking up, and +taking off his hat, said, "Gentlemen, if not too great a liberty, may I +ask how far it is to --?" mentioning a town about twelve miles off. We +told him, and he replied, "That's a long way for old legs like mine, and +young legs of tired children." He then informed us that they had lost +their employment in the country, and that, with his son and daughter, +and their children, he had gone to town to procure work, but had been +unsuccessful, and they were now on their return. "God's will be done!" +continued he, after his narrative, "and thankful shall we be to find +ourselves at our cottages again, although twelve miles is a weary bit of +road, and I have but a few halfpence left; but that will buy a bit of +bread for the poor children, and we must do as we can. Good morning, +and thank'ye kindly, gentlemen." + +Now there was no begging here, certainly, except by implication. The +effect, however, of his narrative was to extract a crown out of our +pockets, which was received with a shower of blessings on our heads. We +drove off, observing how difficult it was to know how to select real +objects of charity, and flattering ourselves that alms in this instance +were worthily bestowed. My readers will agree with me, I have no doubt. + +It so happened that, about ten days afterwards, I was driving on the +Dover Road, in the same gig, and in company with the same gentleman, +when we came to the bottom of Shooters Hill. Who should we fall in with +but the very same party, the venerable old man, the young people, and +the children trudging up the pathway. The same plan of proceeding was +observed, for, although we recognised them immediately it appeared that +they did not recognise us. We allowed the old fellow to tell his tale, +as before; it was just the same. He first took off his hat, and +inquired the distance to --; and then entered into the same narrative, +only changing the place of abode, and ending with his few halfpence to +buy bread for the children. I let him finish, and then I did not, as +before, give him a crown, but I gave him a cut across his face with the +whip, which made him drop his bundle, put his hands up to it; and we +left him, stamping with pain in the middle of the road, till we were out +of sight. A young rogue I can easily pardon, but an old one, on the +verge of the grave, is a proof of hardened villainy, which admits of no +extenuation. After giving him this _cut direct_, we never met again. + +To return to Saint Frond.--In the last church we visited we had a scene. +A woman was in the confessional; the priest, with a white handkerchief +up to conceal his face, and prevent what he said being overheard, +attracted the attention of the children, who demanded an explanation. +Children ask so many questions. "Do you think she has been very wicked? +Will he forgive her?" Before I could offer my opinion upon this +important subject, the woman gave a loud scream, and fell back from the +confessional in a fit. The priest rose, the handkerchief no longer +concealed his face, and he appeared to be burning with indignation. She +was carried out of the church, and the priest hastened up the aisle to +the vestry. What had she done? At all events, something for which it +appeared there was no absolution. + +Aix-la-Chapelle--alas! What did we care for the tomb of Charles the +Great, and his extensive dominions, his splendour and power? We had +lost something to us of much more importance--a carpet bag; not that the +carpet bag was of much value, for it was an old one, nor the articles +which it contained, for they were neither new nor of much worth; but we +lost in that carpet bag an invaluable quantity of comfort, for it +contained a variety of little absolute necessaries, the loss of which we +could not replace until our arrival at Cologne, to which town all our +trunks had been despatched. The children could not be brushed, for the +brushes were in the carpet bag; they could not be combed, for the combs +were in the carpet bag; they were put to bed without nightcaps, for the +night-caps were in the carpet bag; they were put to bed in their little +chemises, reaching down to the fifth rib or thereabouts, for their +night-clothes were in the carpet bag: not only the children, but every +one else suffered by this carpet bag being absent without leave. My +boots burst, and my others were in the carpet bag; my snuff-box was +empty, and the canister was in the carpet bag; and the servants +grumbled, for they had smuggled some of their things into the carpet +bag. + +It would appear that everything had been crammed into this unfortunate +receptacle. Had we lost a jewel-case, or a purse full of money, it +would have been a trifle compared to the misery occasioned by this +jumble up of every day conveniences of little value, showing how much +more comfort depends upon the necessaries than the luxuries of life. I +may add, now that I read what I have written, that this carpet bag +increased in dimensions to a most extraordinary compass for several +weeks afterwards. Everything that was missing was declared by the +servants to have been in the carpet bag, which, like the scape-goat of +the Jews, wandered in the wilderness, bearing with it all the sins of +all the nurses and every other domestic of the family. + +On our road, the landlord of an inn put the following printed document +into my hands, which I make public for the benefit of those who are +sportsmen without being landholders. + + "COMFORTABLE INN.--The proprietor of the Red House, at Burgheim, on + the road from Aix-la-Chapelle to Cologne, pleasantly situated in the + middle of the town, opposite the Post-Office and Post-House, has the + honour of recommending himself to travellers. The `Galignani's + Messenger' and other newspapers are taken in. The English, German, + and French languages spoken. Having excellent preserves of game in + the neighbourhood, he is happy to inform travellers that he can + provide them with good sports in wild boar, deer, and hare hunting, + and wild duck and partridge shooting. Horses and carriages of all + descriptions supplied for excursions in the neighbourhood. + + "AJ HONS." + +_Prussia_.--I fear that our political economists are running after a +shadow, and that their reciprocity system will never be listened to. It +is remarkable, that, after subsidising this and other powers to break up +the continental system established by Napoleon for the expulsion of +English manufactures and the consequent ruin of England, now that the +world is at peace, these very powers who, by our exertions and our +money, have been liberated from their thraldom, have themselves +established the very system of exclusion which we were so anxious to +prevent. A little reflection will prove that they are right. The +government of a country ought never, if possible, to allow that country +to be dependent upon any other for such resources as it can obtain by +its own industry. We, ourselves, acted upon this principle when we +established the silk manufactories in Spitalfields; and it is the duty +of every government to do the same. + +The indigenous productions of the soil may fairly be admitted on a +system of reciprocity and exchange, but not articles of manufacture, of +which the raw material is to be obtained by all. For instance, the +lead, and iron, and tin of Great Britain, the wines of other countries, +are all articles to be exchanged or paid for by those who have not mines +of those metals, or do not possess vineyards. Further than this +reciprocity cannot go, without being injurious to one, if not to both +parties. + +Three of the carriage-wheels defective! Add this to the carpet bag, and +people will agree in the trite observation that misfortunes never come +single. This is not true; they do come single very often, and when they +do, they are more annoying than if they come in heaps. You growl at a +single mishap, but if you find that Fortune is down upon you and +attempts to overload you, you rise up against her with indignation, snap +your fingers, and laugh at her. The last mishap brought consolation for +all the others; if we had not so fortunately found out the defects in +the wheels, we might have broken our necks the next day, especially, as +some amateur took a fancy and helped himself to our _sabot_. I only +wish he may be shod with it for the remainder of his days. + +It is curious how the ignorant and simple always rise or depreciate +others, whatever their rank may be, to their own levels, when they talk +of them. I listened to one little girl telling a story to another, in +which kings, queens, and princesses were the actors. + +"And so," said the queen to the princess, "what a very pretty doll that +is of yours!" + +"Yes, your majesty; papa bought it for me at the bazaar, and gave 5 +shillings 6 pence for it," etcetera. + +This reminded me of the sailors telling stories on board of a +man-of-war, who put very different language into the mouth of royalty. + +"Well," says the king, "blow me tight if I'll stand this. You must +buckle-to as fast as you please, Mrs Queen." + +"I'll see you hanged first, and your head shaved too," answered her +majesty in a rage, etcetera, etcetera. What queens may say in a rage it +is impossible to assert; but to the seamen this language appeared to be +perfectly regal and quite correct. + +Some people form odd notions of gentility. A cabman took up a +well-dressed female, who made use of expressions which rather startled +him, and he observed to a friend of his, a hackney-coachman, that he had +no idea that the higher classes used such language. + +"Pooh! pooh!" replied the coachman, "she warn't a lady." + +"I beg your pardon," replied the cabman, "a real lady, _hat and +feathers_!" + +Cologne.--This is a regular Golgotha--the skulls of the Magi, _par +excellence_, and then the skulls of Saint Ursula and her 11,000 virgins. +I wonder where she collected so many! Saint Ursula brought a great +force into the field, at all events, and, I presume, commands the right +wing of the whole army of martyrs. I went into the golden chamber, +where there are some really pretty things. The old fellow handed us the +articles one after another, but I observed that there were many things +which I had seen when here before, which were not presented to view, so +I looked into the cabinet and found them. They were crystal vases, +mounted with gold and precious stones. One had the thigh-bone of Saint +Sebastian; another, part of the ulna of Saint Lawrence; and a third a +bit of the petticoat of the Virgin Mary. I handed them out to the +ladies, and asked him why he did not show us those as he used to do +before. The old man smiled and turned the corners of his mouth down, as +if to say, "Its all humbug!" Relics are certainly at a discount, even +among the Catholics. + +I question whether the Bridge of Boats at Cologne don't pay better than +any other in the whole world, although by no means the handsomest; the +stream of passengers on it all day is as strong and as wide as the Rhine +itself. As for Cologne, the best thing that could happen to it is to be +burnt down. Narrow streets, badly ventilated, badly drained; your nose +is visited with a thousand varieties of smell as you pass along; and the +Eau de Cologne in the gutters is very different in savour from that +which you buy in the bottles. + +We had a pleasant passage from Cologne to Coblentz, and from thence to +Mayence, because we had pleasant company. It is singular, but it is a +fact, that you go on board a steamboat to avoid fatigue, and each night +you are more tired than if you had travelled by land. You go to avoid +dust and heat; the first is exchanged for blacks out of the funnel, and +you are more dirty than if you had travelled twice the distance; and the +heat is about the same; in these points you certainly gain nothing. The +expense of these Rhine steamboats is very great. By a calculation I +made--to travel by post, five persons in a carriage, from Cologne to +Strasburg--you will expend 200 and odd francs less than by the steam +conveyance. In time you certainly lose by steam, as you are four days +and a half going to Strasburg, and by land carriage it is half the +distance, being only forty-five posts. + +Neither do you save trouble; for the steam-boats being changed every +evening, you have to take your luggage on shore, shift it from one to +the other, and, at the very time that you are least inclined to do +anything, independent of an enormous expense which you ought not to pay, +but cannot well resist. + +Now, as you really gain nothing in the above points, it is at least to +be supposed that you gain in the picturesque; but this is not the case: +and I have no hesitation in asserting that those who go up the Rhine are +generally disappointed, although they do not like to say so. They +expect too much.--The vivid descriptions, the steel engravings, have +raised their anticipations too high; and they find that the reality is +not equal to the efforts of the pen and pencil. Several of the +passengers acknowledged to me that they were disappointed; and I must +confess that I hardly knew the Rhine again. When I travelled up the +Rhine by land I thought it beautiful; but in a steam-boat it was tame. + +This was observed by others, besides myself, who had ascended both by +steam and by the road running close to the banks; and the reason was +simple. When you travel by land you have the whole breadth of the Rhine +as a foreground to the scenery of the opposite bank, and this you lose +by water; and the bank you travel on is much more grand from its +towering above you, and also from the sharp angles and turns which so +suddenly change the scenery. Abruptness greatly assists the +picturesque: the Rhine loses half its beauty viewed from a steam-boat. +I have ascended it in both ways, and I should recommend all travellers +to go up by land. The inconveniences in a steam-boat are many. You +arrive late and find the hotel crowded, and you are forced to rise very +early (as Mayence at three o'clock in the morning), which, with a +family, is no trifle. The only part of the Rhine worth seeing is from +Cologne to Mayence; below Cologne and above Mayence it is without +interest; and although between these two places the steam-boats are well +served, above Mayence everything is very uncomfortable, and you are +liable to every species of exaction. + +If I were to plan a tour up the Rhine for any friends, I should advise +them not to go by the Rotterdam steamer; it is a long voyage and without +interest, and with many inconveniences; but start in the steamer to +Antwerp, go up to Brussels by the rail-road; from thence you will start +for Cologne by the route of Namur and Liege through Waterloo; and I +rather expect that many will prefer the banks of the _Meuse_ to the +Rhine. I know nothing more beautiful than the road from Namur as far as +Chaude Fontaine, although compared to the Rhine it is on a miniature +scale. From Liege to Aix-la-Chapelle, and from thence to Cologne. Go +up the Rhine by land as far as Mayence, and then you may do as you +please. When you are coming back, descend by the steam-boats; for then +you go with the stream and with great rapidity, and arrive in good time +at the towns where they stop. You will then have seen the Rhine by land +and by water. + +At present the bubble is at its height; but it will burst by-and-by. +The English are lining the banks of the Rhine with gold, and receive +insult and abuse in exchange. I have been much amused with a young +countryman who has come up in the steamer with me. Not able to speak a +word of French or German, he is pillaged every hour of the day; but if +he could speak, he has no idea of the value of his money. He pulls out +his purse, and the waiters help themselves--very _plentifully_, I may +safely add. What he has come for it is difficult to say: not for the +picturesque, for he slept the whole time between Cologne and Mayence-- +that is, all the time that was not occupied by eating and drinking. His +only object appears to be to try the Rhenish wines. He has tried all +upon the _Wein Presen_. He called for a bottle of the best; they gave +him one not on the _carte_, and charged him exactly one pound sterling +for the bottle. He is a generous fellow; he sits at the table with his +bottle before him, and invites every man to partake of it. And he found +plenty on board who were willing to oblige him. + +"Capital wine, an't it?" said he to a Frenchman who drank his wine, but +did not understand a word of English. + +"A votre sante, Monsieur," replied the Frenchman. + +"I say, what wine do you call it?" + +"C'est exquis, Monsieur," replied the Frenchman. + +"Eskey, is it? You, waiter, bring us another bottle of eskey." + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY THREE. + +To continue.--Should travellers think it advisable to proceed upon the +Rhine, so far as Mayence, let them be careful how they venture to +proceed farther. I did so, out of curiosity to know what the features +of the Rhine were, after it had lost its character for magnificence; and +I will now detail my progress. At Mayence you are shifted into a +smaller steamer, with less power, upon the principle that there being +but a few passengers, their comforts do not require so much attention; +for, as the Rhine becomes more rapid as it narrows, upon any other +principle the power of the engine should have been greater. I must +caution the reader not to believe what is told them by the steam-packet +company. + +Barbers were once considered liars _par excellence_, but I am inclined +to give the preference to these new associations. The features of the +Rhine change immediately that you leave Mayence; the banks are low, and +the river is studded with numerous islands, all of which, as well as the +greatest proportion of the banks, are covered with osiers. Still, there +is a great beauty in the Rhine even there; the waving of the osiers to +the strong breeze, the rapidity of the current, the windings of the +river, the picturesque spires of the village churches, or the change of +scenery when the river pours through forests, lining each bank as the +vessel slowly claws against the rapid stream, are by no means +uninteresting; of course we did not arrive at Leopoldshaffen at the hour +stated by the people at the office, but we did arrive late at night, and +took up our quarters at a small auberge in the above village, which is +not marked down in the maps, but which has post-horses and diligences to +convey passengers to Carlsruhe. Notwithstanding the assertion at the +packet-office, that we were to be in one day to Leopoldshaffen, in one +day more to Strasburg, we found there was no steamer until the day after +the morrow, and that we must wait one day more if we did not choose to +go to Carlsruhe. The females, being fatigued, preferred remaining where +they were. We sauntered about and amused ourselves quietly. The next +day, we found the steamer had arrived, and that instead of her ascending +in one day to Strasburg, it would take a day and a half, and that we +must pass the night aboard without the least accommodation--not very +pleasant, with a carriage full of young children. We embarked on board +the steamer, which was a miserable small vessel, with an engine of bad +construction, and very small power; and with this we were to oppose the +most rapid part of the Rhine. In every other point the vessel was +equally ill found: they had a very small stock of provisions, bad wine, +and none of those comforts provided for the passengers in the other +vessels. To crown all, another family with children (of whom more +hereafter) had taken their passage. The steward told us, that never +expecting so many people on board going up to Strasburg, he was totally +unprepared; and so it eventually appeared. + +We started, and soon found out that the power of the engines was quite +disproportionate to the object in view. The Rhine now assumed a more +desolate character. For miles and miles not a village nor even a +solitary town to be seen; the Hartz mountains forming a blue opaque mass +in the distance; the stream rapidly passing through narrow and deep +channels, leaving one half of the bed of the river dry. At times we +passed very dangerous straits, where the waters boiled and eddied over +reefs of rocks, and were often obliged to force our way by keeping +within a foot of steep and muddy banks, where trees torn up, and hanging +by the roots, proved how violent must be the current when the river is +increased by the melting of the mountain snow. + +Our progress was, as it may be imagined, most tedious; at no time did we +advance above a mile and a half per hour; sometimes we did not gain a +hundred yards in the same time, and occasionally we were swept back by +the current, and had to lose still more ground, while they increased the +power of the engine at the risk of explosion. The consequence was, that +when the day closed, the conducteur gave his opinion, that instead of +being at Strasburg by eleven or twelve o'clock the next day, we should +not arrive till four or five o'clock: we anchored within a yard of the +bank, and prepared to pass the night how we could. + +Our party consisted of seven, with two nurses. The other party +consisted of four grown-up females, one male, four boys, an East African +negro, and a _cowskin_; the latter was a very important personage, and +made a great noise during the passage. The gentleman was apparently one +of those who denominate themselves eclectic: he paid very little +attention to what was going on; a peaceable sort of man, whose very +physiognomy said "any thing for a quiet life:" one of the ladies was his +wife, and two others, virgins of some standing, apparently his sisters; +the other lady, a bilious-looking sort of personage, and happy in being +the mother of four very fine boys, as great pickles as ever lived; these +she kept in order with the assistance of the negro and the cowskin, the +use of the latter occasioning such evident marks of astonishment and +horror to _our_ little ones, as not to be at all satisfactory to the +lady in question, who appeared not averse, had she dared, to have given +them a taste of it. The youngest and the youngest but one of the boys +were the two sufferers; the youngest had a regular dozen administered +every half hour. The two eldest were more particularly under the care +of the negro, who used his fists, I presume because they wore corduroys, +and, as Hood says, did not care for "cut behind." We had not been in +the vessel two minutes before there was a _breeze_. I heard the negro +expostulating as follows:--"You very foolish boy, what you mean? who +ever heard of putting new cloth cap into water to catch fish?" This was +the first offence. I must say that the coercion used did not appear to +originate from any feeling of regard for the children, for they were +allowed to climb, and push, and run over the sky-lights, and over the +engine, and I every moment expected that some of them would be provided +for either by the cog-wheels or the river Rhine. + +It was evident at once, not only from the above accessories, but from +the Chinese trunks which contained their luggage, that they were an +Indian importation, and their behaviour subsequently proved it, beyond +all doubt, even if they had not made it known--not by talking to us, but +by talking at us, for they evidently did not consider that we were +sufficiently respectable to be admitted into their society, even in the +short intercourse of fellow-travellers. + +I cannot here help making an observation relative to most of the people +who come from India. They are always dissatisfied, and would gladly +return. The reason is very obvious; they at once lose their rank and +consequence, and sink down to the level which they are entitled to in +English society. In India the rank of the servants of the Company takes +precedence; but whatever their rank or emolument may be in India, they +are still but servants of a company of merchants, and such rank is not, +of course, allowed in England. Accustomed to unlimited sway and control +over a host of fawning slaves, and to that attention as females--which, +where females are not very plentiful, is most sedulously paid-- +accustomed to patronise the newcomers, who, of course, feel grateful for +such well-timed civility and hospitality--in short, accustomed to rank, +splendour, wealth, and power--it is not surprising that, upon their +return to England, when they find themselves shorn of all these, and +that their station in society is far more removed from the apex, they +become sullen and dissatisfied. Of course, there are many who have been +resident in India, where family and connections insure them every +advantage upon their return to their native country; but it must be +recollected that the greater proportion of those who return consists of +those who were of low origin, and who have obtained their appointments +in reward for the exertions of their parents in behalf of their patrons +in parliamentary returns, etcetera, and of young females who have (with +their face as their fortune) been shipped off to India upon a +matrimonial speculation. Now, however high in rank they may have, in +the course of many years' service, arrived to in India, when they return +they are nobodies; and unless they bring with them such wealth as to +warrant their being designated as nabobs, their chance of admittance +into the best society is very small indeed. + +I have said that they _talked_ at us, and not to us. The gentleman was +civil, and would have conversed, but he was immediately interrupted and +sent off on a message; and, for a quiet life, he gave it up. The system +of talking at people always reminds me of the play of the "Critic," in +which it is asked why, if "he knows all this, it is necessary to tell +him again?" Simply because the audience do not; so, the party in +question were the actors, and we were the audience to be informed. The +conversation between the adults run as follows:-- + +"You recollect how polite Lord C-- was to us at --?" + +"To be sure I do." + +"Lady D-- told me so and so." + +"Yes, I recollect it very well." + +"What a nice man the Honourable Mr E-- is!" + +"Yes, that he is." + +"How very intimate we were at -- with Lady G--." + +"That we were." + +And so on, during the whole of the day, much to our edification. How +contemptible, how paltry is such vanity! But with their indulgence of +it for our amusement, the cow-skin, and a scanty dinner, we got through +the first day, during which two or three occasional patronising +questions or remarks were thrown at our heads, and then they reverted to +their own assumed exclusiveness. The night, as may be supposed, was +anything but comfortable to those in the cabin; but I shall not dwell +upon what, if fairly narrated, would be a very pretty sketch of human +nature. + +We were to arrive the next day at five o'clock in the afternoon, but we +toiled on; and the sun at last went down, and we found ourselves with +the steeple of Strasburg a long way off. We again anchored, and had to +pass another night in this miserable vessel and delightful company. The +detention, of course, made our fellow-passengers more cross; and could I +have obtained possession of the cowskin, I would certainly have thrown +it overboard. The captain sent a man on shore to procure us something +to eat, for the steward declared himself bankrupt. The next forenoon we +arrived at the bridge of boats between Kehl and Strasburg; and thus was +finished our tedious and unpleasant voyage, of which I have given a +description as a warning to all future travellers. Our +fellow-passengers did once condescend to address and inform us that they +had left England (a party of ten people) only to pay a visit to some +friends in Switzerland--an expensive sort of trip, and which did not +appear at all consistent with the fact that they were travelling without +a carriage or female servants. Be it as it might, we separated without +so much as a salutation or good-bye being exchanged. + +Much of the picturesque on the Rhine is destroyed by the vineyards, +which are, in reality, the most unpoetical things in landscape scenery, +being ranged up the sides of the mountains in little battalions like +infantry. It is remarkable in how shallow and how very poor a soil the +vine will grow. At Saint Michael's, they dig square holes in the +volcanic rocks, and the vines find sustenance. At the Cape of Good Hope +the Constantia vineyards are planted upon little more than sand. I dug +down some depth; and could find nothing else. The finest grapes grown +in Burgundy are upon a stratum of soil little more than a foot deep, +over schistus slate quarries, and the soil itself composed chiefly of +the _debris_ of this soft rock. + +We know that the vegetable creation has a sort of instinct as well as +the animal and it appears to me that there are different degrees of +instinct in that portion of nature as well as in the other. A vine, for +instance, I take to be a very clever plant, and both apple and +pear-trees to be great fools. The vine will always seek its own +nourishment, hunting with its roots through the soil for the aliment it +requires; and if it cannot find it where it is planted, it will seek, in +every direction and to a great distance, to obtain it. It is asserted +that the famous vine at Hampton Court has passed its roots under the bed +of the river, and obtains aliment from the soil on the other side; but +an apple or pear-tree will take no such trouble--it will not even avoid +what is noxious. Plant one of these trees in the mould three or four +feet above the marl or clay; so long as the roots remain in the mould, +the tree will flourish, but so soon as the tap root pierces down to the +marl or clay below the mould, the tree will canker and die. To prevent +this, it is the custom to dig first down to the marl and put a layer of +tiles upon it, which turn the roots of the trees from a perpendicular to +a horizontal direction, and then they do well; but leave the tree +without assistance, and the fool will commit suicide, blindly rushing to +its own destruction; while the vine will not only avoid it, but use +every exertion to procure what is necessary for its continuing in health +and vigour. The vine is therefore certainly the more intellectual plant +of the two. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR. + +Strasbourg. + +There certainly is an impulse implanted in our natures to love +something; our affections were never intended to lie in abeyance, and if +they cannot be placed upon the other sex or our own children, they still +seek something as an object. This accounts for old bachelors being fond +of their nephews and nieces, for blood relationship has nothing to do +with it; and for old ladies, who have not entered into wedlock, becoming +so attached to dogs, cats, and parrots. Sometimes, indeed, the +affections take much wilder flights in the pursuit of an object, and +exhibit strange idiosyncrasies; but still it proves by nature we are +compelled to love something. I have been reflecting how far this +principle may not be supposed to pervade through the universe, and +whether we cannot trace it in the inferiors of the animal creation: +whether we cannot trace a small remnant of Paradise in the beasts who +enjoyed it with man, as well as in man himself. It is well known that +animals will take very strong and very strange attachments towards other +animals. It is, perhaps, more apparent in domestic animals, but is not +that because they are more brought together and more under our immediate +eye? in some instances, as in the case when maternal feelings are +roused, the strongest antipathies and habit will be controlled. A cat +losing her kittens has been known to suckle a brood of young rats, but +in this case I consider instinct to have been the most powerful agent; +wild beasts confined in cages show the same propensity. The lion +secluded in his den has often been known to foster and become strongly +attached to a dog thrown in to him to be devoured; but there never was +an instance of a lion or any other wild beast, which had a female in the +same den or even a companion of its own species, preserving the life of +any other living creature thrown in to him. This feeling occasions also +the production of Hybrids; which in a wild state could never take place. +There is not, probably, a more ferocious or ill-tempered animal than +the bear when it is grown up; it is subdued by fear, but shows no +attachment to its keeper; yet, the other day I fell in with a remarkable +narration proving the feeling I have referred to, actuating even this +animal. A proof of the bad feeling of a bear is fully established by +the fact that, although Martin, as the old bear is called in the Jardin +des Plantes, at Paris, had been confined in his fosse nearly twenty +years, during which time not a day passed that he was not well fed by +the people who amused themselves in the gardens, when a man fell into +his pit, he immediately destroyed him. It does, however, appear, that +all bears are not so ill-tempered as Monsieur Martin. Leopold, Duke of +Lorraine, had a bear confined by a long chain, near the palisades below +the glacis. Some poor Savoyard boys, who had emigrated as they still +do, with the hopes of picking up some money to take back with them, had +taken shelter in an out-house daring a severe snow storm. One of them +who was numbed with the cold, thought that he would try if he could not +find some warmer berth, and in seeking this, as the snow fell fast, he +at last crawled nearly exhausted into the kennel of the bear. Instead +of tearing the lad to pieces, the bear took him in his fore paws, and +pressed him to his shaggy warm coat till he was quite recovered. A bear +generally receives you with open arms, whatever may be his ultimate +decision; but in this instance it was favourable. The poor little boy +finding himself in good quarters, went fast asleep; the next morning he +sallied forth to obtain some victuals if he could, but without success. +Cold and hunger drove him again to the kennel of the bear, who not only +was delighted to see him, but had actually laid aside a portion of his +supper for the boy's use. The amicable arrangement continued for some +days, and the bear, at last, would not touch his victuals till the boy's +return. This peculiar friendship was at last discovered, and the story +narrated to the Duke, who sent for the boy, and took care of him, +admitting him into his own household. The narrator observes that the +boy died a year or two after this unusual occurrence had taken place. I +have no doubt but that many more instances might be brought forward by +others to establish my supposition. To us, all wild animals of the same +species appear to be much alike in disposition, because we have not an +opportunity of examining and watching them carefully, but I should +rather imagine, that as we can perceive such a manifest difference in +temper between individual horses and dogs and other animals who are +domesticated, that the same difference must exist in the wild species, +and that, in fact, there may be shades of virtue and vice in lions, +tigers, bears, and other animals; and that there does exist in animals +as well as in man, more or less according to their natural dispositions, +a remnant of those affections which in the garden of our first parents +were so strongly implanted as to induce the lion to lie down with the +lamb. "God is Love," says the Scriptures; before the devil found his +way to this earth all was love, for God only was there. Now man +struggles between the two principles of good and evil. When his nature +was changed, so was that of animals; but the principle not being extinct +in man, why should not a portion still remain in the rest of the +creation, who with him were permitted to inhabit the garden of Eden, and +whose savage natures were not roused until with man they were driven +from that abode of peace? + +The most affectionate animal that I know of is the common brown +Mongoose: it is a creature between the squirrel and the monkey, with all +the liveliness but without any of the mischief of the latter. +Unfortunately they will not live in our country, or they would supersede +the cat altogether; they are very clean, and their attachment is beyond +all conception to those who have not seen them. They will leap on their +master's shoulder, or get into his bed, and coil their long bushy tails +round his neck like a boa, remaining there for hours if permitted. I +recollect one poor little fellow who was in his basket dying--much to +the grief of his master--who, just before he expired, crawled out of his +straw and went to his master's cot, where he had just sufficient +strength to take his place upon his bosom, coil his tail round his neck, +and then he died. + +Hares and rabbits are also very affectionate. One of my little girls +had one of the latter, which she brought up in the house. He grew very +large, and was domesticated just like a dog, following you everywhere, +in the parlour and up into the bed-room; in the winter lying on the rug +before the fire on his side, and stretching out his four legs as +unconcerned as possible, even refusing to go away if you pushed him. As +for the cat, she durst not go near him. He thrashed her unmercifully, +for he was very strong; and the consequence was that she retired to the +kitchen, where he would often go down, and if she was in his way drive +her out. The hare and rabbit, as well as the deer tribe, defend +themselves by striking with their fore paws, and the blow which they can +give is more forcible than people would suppose. One day when I was in +a cover, leaning against a tree, with my gun in my hand, I presume for +some time I must have been in deep thought, I heard a rustling and then +a squeak on the other side of the tree; I looked round the trunk, and +beheld a curious combat between two hares and a stoat. The hares were +male and female, and had their leveret between them, which latter was +not above six weeks old. The stoat--a little devil with all its hair, +from the tip of its nose to the end of its tail, standing at end--was at +about two yards distance from them, working round and round to have an +opportunity to spring upon the leveret, which was the object of its +attack. As it went round so did the hares face him, pivoting on a +centre with the young one between them. At last the stoat made a spring +upon the leveret. He was received by the hares, who struck him with +their fore feet such blows as I could not have believed possible; they +actually resounded, and he was rolled over and over until he got out of +distance, when he shook himself and renewed his attacks. These +continued about ten minutes, and every time he was beaten off; but, at +every spring, his teeth went into the poor little leveret; at last it +gave its last squeak, turned over on its side, and died, the father and +mother still holding their relative situations, and facing the stoat. +The latter showed as much prudence as courage; for so soon as he +perceived that the leveret was dead, he also walked off. The hares +turned round to their young one, smelt at it apparently, pushed it with +their noses, and shortly after, as if aware that it was past all +defence, hopped slowly away; they were hardly out of sight in the bushes +when back came the stoat, threw the leveret, twice as big as himself, +over his shoulders, and went off with his prize at a hard gallop, +reminding me, in miniature, of the Bengal tiger carrying off a bullock. +All the actors in the drama having gone off; I walked off, and shortly +after both barrels of my gun went off, so the whole party disappeared, +and there's an end of my story. + +If an elephant were not so very unwieldy, and at the same time so very +uncertain in his temper, he is the animal who has the most claims from +affection and intelligence to be made a pet of; but an elephant in a +drawing-room would be somewhat incommodious; and, although one may admit +a little irritability of temper in a lap-dog weighing three pounds, the +anger of an elephant, although he expresses himself very sorry for it +afterwards, is attended with serious consequences. There is something +very peculiar about an elephant in his anger and irritability. It +sometimes happens that, at a certain season, a wild elephant will leave +the herd and remain in the woods alone. It is supposed, and I think +that the supposition is correct, that these are the weaker males who +have been driven away by the stronger, in fact, they are elephants +crossed in love; and when in that unfortunate dilemma, they are very +mischievous, and play as many fantastic tricks as ever did any of the +knights of the round table on similar occasions in times of yore. + +I was at Trincomalee; an elephant in this situation had taken possession +of the road at some leagues distant, and, for reasons best known to +himself, would not allow a soul to pass it. He remained _perdu_ in the +jungle till he saw somebody coming, and then he would burst out and +attack them. It is the custom to travel in palanquins from one part of +the island to another, as in all parts of India. If some officer or +gentleman was obliged to proceed to Colombo or elsewhere, so soon as the +palanquin came towards him, out came the elephant; the native bearers, +who knew that it was no use arguing the point, dropped the palanquin and +fled, and all that the occupant could do was to bundle out and do the +same before the elephant came up, otherwise he had little chance of his +life, for the elephant immediately put his knees in the palanquin and +smashed it to atoms. Having done this, he would toss the fragments in +the air in every direction, at the same time carefully unfolding all the +articles contained in the palanquin for the occupants use--shirts, +trowsers, boots, bottles, books, undergoing a most rigid examination, +and after that being rendered to fragments. If the cooley who had the +charge of the bag of letters made his appearance, he was immediately +pursued until he gave up the whole correspondence, official or private. +The bag was opened, every letter was opened one by one, and then torn in +fragments and tossed to the winds. In this way did he keep possession +of the road, stopping all communication for several weeks, until it was +his sovereign will and pleasure that people might receive their letters +and travel across the country as before. Now what an unaccountable +freak was this! It was like the madness of a reasonable being. If I +recollect right, it was when Captain Owen was on the east coast of +Africa, some of his party who landed were attacked by elephants, who +threw them down on the ground and, instead of killing them, as might +have been expected, and would have given them no trouble, they drew up a +large quantity of mud in their trunks and poured it into their mouths so +as to nearly to suffocate them, and then left them. On another +occasion, they put their fore feet on their limbs, so as to pinch and +bruise them severely in every part of their bodies, but avoided their +bones so as not to fracture one. Now this was evidently two species of +torture invented by the elephants, and these elephants in a wild state. +There certainly is something very incomprehensible about these animals. + +The lion has been styled the king of beasts, but I think he is an +usurper allowed to remain on the throne by public opinion and suffrage, +from the majesty of his appearance. In every other point he has no +claim. He is the head of the feline or cat species, and has all the +treachery, cruelty, and wanton love for blood that all this class of +animals have to excess. The lion, like the tiger and the cat, will not +come boldly on to his prey, but springs from his concealment. It is +true that he will face his assailants bravely when wounded, but so will +the tiger. + +In my opinion, the horse is the most noble of all animals, and, I am +sorry to say, the most ill-used, at least in England; for I do not +recollect a single instance of having seen a horse ill-treated on the +Continent. In fact, you hardly ever see a horse on the Continent that +is not in good working condition: you never meet the miserable, lame, +blind, and worn-out animals that you do in England, which stumble along +with their loads behind them till they stumble into their graves. If +any one would take the trouble to make friends with their horses, they +would be astonished at the intelligence and affection of this noble +animal; but we leave him to our grooms, who prefer to use force to +kindness. At the same time, I have observed, even in colts, very +different dispositions; some are much more fond and good-tempered than +others; but let them be what they will as colts, they are soon spoiled +by the cruelty and want of judgment of those who have charge of them in +the stable. The sympathy between the Arab and his horse is well known: +the horse will lie down in the tent, and the children have no fear of +receiving a kick; on the contrary, they roll upon, and with him: such is +the result of kindness. And I can now give a proof of the effects of +the contrary, as it was, in this instance, what may be termed _malice +prepense_ in the animal. The horses used in the West Indies are +supplied from the Spanish Main; they are from the Andalusian stock +originally, partly Arab and barb. These horses are taken by the lasso +from the prairies, and are broken in as follows:--They head them down to +the sea beach, saddle and bridle them for the first time, and mount them +with a pair of spurs, the rowels of which are an inch long. So soon as +the animal plunges and attempts to divest himself of his rider, he is +forced into the sea, and there he is worked in and out of his depth till +he is fairly worn out and exhausted. This is repeated once or twice +till they are submissive, and then they are sent off as broke-in horses +to the West India Islands. A friend of mine had a very beautiful +animal, which he had purchased from one of these ships. He had not +bought him more than a week before he took the bit in his mouth, and ran +away with the black boy who was exercising him. The boy lost his seat +and fell, and the horse, for a hundred yards, continued his career; and +then it stopped, turned round, and galloped up to the boy, who was still +on the ground, and never ceased kicking him till the poor fellow's +brains were scattered in the road. Now this was evidently determination +for revenge. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE. + +Strasbourg is full of the pomp and circumstance of war. Being one of +the keys of France, it has a garrison of ten thousand men, and the drums +and bands play from morning to evening, much to the delight of the +children, at all events. It is a well-built town, although the houses +are most of them of very ancient date, with three stories of +_mansardes_, in their high-peaked roofs. I am rather partial to the +Alsatian character; it is a combination of French, Swiss, and German, +which make a very good cross. Not being in any particular hurry, I have +remained here ten days, and I will say for Strasbourg, that it has many +recommendations. It is lively and bustling; the walks outside the +ramparts are beautiful, and living is very reasonable. It has, however, +the reputation of being a very unhealthy place, and, I am afraid, with +truth. It is singular that the beautiful cathedral, although it has +already suffered so much by lightning, has not yet been fitted with a +conductor. There was a meeting of the dignitaries some years back; some +argued in favour and some against it, and it ended in neither party +being persuaded, and nothing being done. I met another Englishman here, +to whom the question might so properly be put, "What the deuce are you +doing here?" An old worthy, nearly seventy, who, after having passed +his fair allowance of life very happily in his own country, must, +forsooth, come up the Rhine, without being able to speak a word of +French, or any other language but his own. He very truly told me that +he had just begun to see the world at a time that he should be thinking +of going out of it. He honoured me with the office of interpreter as +long as he stayed, and I was not sorry to see him booked for the +steam-boat, all the way to the London Custom House stairs. + +There is one remarkable point about the town of Strasbourg, which is, +that the Protestants and Catholics have, I believe always, and do now, +live in a state of amity which ought to be an example to others. In +running over the history of the town, I do not find that they ever +persecuted each other; but if they have not persecuted each other, I am +shocked to say that they have not spared the Jews. At the time of the +plague, they accused the Jews of having occasioned it by poisoning the +wells, and only burnt alive _two thousand of them at once_! I wonder +when the lightning struck the cathedral they did not drown two thousand +more in the Rhine--strange Christianity! when smitten by the hand of +God, to revenge themselves by smiting their fellow-creatures. I had to +call upon a Professor here upon some business; he amused me very much; +he fancied that he could speak English: perhaps he might have been able +to do so at one time, but if so, he had forgotten it, but he did not +think he had. I addressed him in French, and told him my business. +"Sir, you speak English?"--"Yes," replied I. "Then, Sir, I tell you +that--" Then he stopped, pondering and perplexed for some minutes, +without saying a syllable. "Speak French, Sir," said I; "I perceive +that you have forgotten a word in our language;" and I then put another +leading question to him, to which he replied, "Yes, I recollect that +very well, and I--" Then another dead pause for the verb. I waited a +minute in perfect silence, but his memory was as treacherous as he was +obstinately bent upon talking English, and then I again spoke to him, +and he replied, "That is true, that you must--" Then he broke down +again, and I broke up the conference, as I really could not wait until +he formed English words, and he was evidently resolved that he would +speak in no other language. Fortunately, it was no business of my own, +but a commission from another, which ended in an omission, which, +perhaps, did quite as well. + +This morning I strolled into a small _debit de tabac_, to fill my box, +and it being excessively warm, was not sorry to sit down and enter into +a conversation with the young woman who attended upon the customers. I +asked her, among other questions, if the shop was hers. She replied, +"That she had hired the license." This answer struck me, and I inquired +if she could obtain a license for herself. She replied, "No, unless," +said she, laughing, "I should marry some old _estropie_ who has been +worn out in the service." She then informed me of what I was not aware +which is, that instead of giving pensions to the old militaires, they +give them, and them only, the licenses for selling tobacco. They may +either carry on the trade themselves, or may lease out their licenses to +others, for as much as they can obtain for it per year. + +I perceive that the Gallic cock now struts on the head of the staff, +bearing regimental colours, instead of the eagle of Napoleon. They +certainly have made the cock a most imposing bird, but still a cock is +not an eagle. The couplets written upon this change, which was made by +Louis Philippe, are somewhat sarcastic:-- + + "Le vaillant coq Gaulois, + Grattant sur le fumier, + A fait sortir le roi + Louis Philippe Premier; + Qui par juste reconnoissance + Le mit dans les armes de France." + +Did not sleep very comfortably this night; there were too many of us in +the bed, and all of us bits of philosophers. I am a bit of a +philosopher myself, and surely fleas cannot be considered more than very +little bits. All French fleas are philosophers, it having been fairly +established by a French punster that they belong to the _secte-- +d'Epicure (des piqueurs_). + +The English who go up the Rhine to Switzerland generally proceed on the +German side. Few pass through Alsace or German France, and those who +do, take the shortest route, by which they avoid Colmar. As I took the +longest in preference, I shall in few words point out the features of +the country. You pass through the valley of the Rhine, which is flat +and fertile to excess, the only break in the uniformity of the country +being the chain of Vorges mountains, distant about eight miles on your +right, and the occasional passage of the dry bed of a winter torrent +from the mountains. The cathedral at Colmar is well worth seeing. In +outward architecture it is not very remarkable, but its painted windows +are quite as fine as those of Strasbourg; and, in one point, it excels +all the cathedrals I have seen, which is the choir, handsomely carved in +oak, and with good pictures let into the panels. It is in better taste, +more solid, and less meretricious in its ornaments, than any I know of. +It has also a very fine pulpit, the whole of which, as well as the steps +and balustrade leading up to it, is of fine marble. At Colmar, the eye +will be struck with the peculiarity of architecture in some of the old +buildings; it very often is pure Saracenic. The roads being excellent, +we arrived in good time at Basle. + +Once more in Switzerland; I have more pleasure now in revisiting a +country which has left pleasant reminiscences in my mind, than in +passing through one hitherto unexplored. In the latter case, I am +usually disappointed. When we revisit those spots in which our +childhood was passed, how invariably do we find that the memory is true +to what the place appeared to us when children, and hardly to be +recognised when our ideas and powers of mind have been developed and +enlarged in proportion with our frames. Is it possible? thought I, when +I returned, after a lapse of fifteen years, to the house of my childhood +out of mere curiosity, for my family had long quitted it. Is this the +pond which appeared so immense to my eyes, and this the house in my +memory so vast? Why it is a nutshell! I presume that we estimate the +relative size of objects in proportion to our stature, and, as when +children, we are only half the size of men, of course, to children, +everything appears to be twice the size which it really is. And not +only the objects about us, but everything in the moral world as well. +Our joy is twice the joy of others, and our grief, for the moment, twice +as deep: and these joys and griefs all for trifles. Our code of right +and wrong is equally magnified: trifles appeared to be crimes of the +first magnitude, and the punishments, slight as they were, enough to +dissolve our whole frame into tears until we were pardoned. Oh dear! +all that's gone, as Byron says-- + + "No more, no more, O never more on me, + The freshness of the heart shall fall like dew." + +The cathedral at Basle is nearly one thousand years old, which is a ripe +old age, even for a cathedral. I believe that it is only in +Switzerland, and England, and Holland, that you find the Protestants in +possession of these edifices, raised to celebrate the Catholic faith. + +I met here a very intelligent Frenchman who has resided many years in +the town. One of the first questions I put to him was the following: + +For more than twenty years Switzerland has been overrun with English and +other visitors, who have spent an enormous sum of money in the country: +what has become of all this money? + +He replied that I might well ask the question. + +"They have no banks in Switzerland; and, although land exchanges owners, +still the money does not leave the country. We have here," he said, "a +few millionaires, who do lend their money in France upon good +securities; but except these few, they do nothing with it. The interest +of money is so low, that I have known it lent by one of the rich people +at two-and-a-half per cent; and the Swiss in general, in preference to +risking what they can obtain for so small a premium, allow it to remain +in their chests. There is, at this present moment more bullion in +Switzerland than in any other country in Europe, or, perhaps, than in +all the countries in Europe. A Swiss is fond of his money, and he does +not use it; the millionaires that we have here, make no alteration in +their quiet and plain state of living." He then continued, "At this +moment, those who can afford to spend their money at Basle are +retrenching, not from motives of economy, but from feelings of ill will. +The burghers, who have country seats, to which they retire during the +summer, have abandoned them, and if any one wished to settle in this +canton, they might purchase them for half their value. The reason is, +that there has been a difference between the town burghers and the +country people. The canton wanted a reform bill to be passed, in which +they have not succeeded. They required a more equitable +representation--the country people amount to about forty thousand, the +town of Basle to only ten thousand; and the town of Basle, nevertheless, +returns two-thirds of the council, which governs the canton, to which +the people who live in the country have raised objections. Hence the +variance; and to punish the country people by not spending their money +among them, the burghers have abandoned their country houses." + +It may not, perhaps, be generally known, that at the time of the three +days at Paris, there was an _emeute_ in Switzerland, in which the +aristocracy were altogether put down; and in Berne, and some other +cantons, the burghers' families, who, on pretence of preventing the +aristocracy from enslaving the count, had held the reins of power for so +long a period, were also forced to surrender that power to those who had +been so long refused participation in it. This was but the natural +consequence of the increase of wealth in the country: those who before +had remained quiet, feeling themselves of more consequence, insisted +upon their rights; and the usual results were, that the administration +of the government changed hands; but although this might be considered +as an advantage gained, still it was but a change, or rather an +admission of those who had become wealthy to a participation of the +advantages connected with the exercise of authority; a change beneficial +to a few, but to the _masse_, productive of no real advantage. At +Berne, to be a member of the government, is considered as a certain +source of wealth, a convincing proof that the interests of those who +hold the reins are not neglected; and that in a republic it is as +difficult to insure to the people their legitimate rights, as under any +other form of government. And so it will be as long as the world turns +round; man is everywhere the same exacting, selfish, preying creature; +and his disposition is not to be changed. + +The Helvetic Republic is, in fact, nothing but an aggregation of petty +despotisms--leniently administered, I grant; but still nothing but +despotisms. Those who are in power, or connected with those in power, +are the only portion of the community who can amass large sums; and thus +the authority is handed down from one to the other within certain +limits, which it but rarely transgresses, something very nearly +approximating to the corporations in England. + +In Switzerland, the working man remains the working man, the labourer +the labourer, almost as distinct as the Indian castes the nobles are +crushed, and the haughty burgh rules with all the superciliousness of +vested right. + +I have always held a "respublica" as only to exist in theory or in name. +History has proved the impossibility of its retaining its purity for +half a century. What the American Republic may be, it is impossible to +say, until one has been in the country, and discovered what its +advocates have been careful to conceal. The Americans had a great +advantage in establishing this system of government; they had nothing to +overthrow, nothing to contend with. They all started fair, and their +half century is now nearly complete. Time will prove whether it be +possible in this world to govern, for any length of time, upon such a +basis. Mr Cooper, in his work on Switzerland, is evidently +disappointed with his examination into the state of the Helvetic +Republic; and he admits this without intending so to do. + +At Soleure I saw nothing very remarkable, except a dog with a very large +goitre on his neck, a sight which I never had witnessed before, during +the long time that I wandered through Switzerland. + +On our way to Berne, to divide the day's travelling more equally, we +stopped at a small village, not usually the resting-place of travellers, +and I there met with a little bit of romance in real life, which Sterne +would have worked up well, but I am not sentimental. The house, to +which the sign was the appendage, struck me, at first entering, as not +having been built for an _hotellerie_; the rooms were low, but large, +and the floors _parquette_; here and there were to be seen remains of +former wealth in pieces of _marquetterie_ for furniture, and clocks of +_ormolu_. There were some old prints, also, on the walls, very superior +to those hung up usually in the auberges of the continent, especially in +a village auberge. When the supper was brought up, I observed that the +silver forks and spoons were engraved with double arms and the coronet +of a marquis. I asked the female who brought up the soup, from whence +they had obtained them? She replied, rather _brusquement_, that she +supposed they had been bought at the silversmith's, and left the room as +if not wanting to be questioned. The master of the auberge came up with +some wine. He was a tall, fine, aristocratical-looking man, about sixty +years of age, and I put the question to him. He replied that they +belonged to the family who kept the inn. "But," said I, "if so, it is +noble by both descents?" "Yes," replied he, carelessly, "but they don't +think anything of that beer." After a few more questions, he +acknowledged that they were the armorial bearings of his father and +mother, but that the family had been unfortunate, and that, as no tithes +were allowed in the country, he was now doing his best to support the +family. After this disclosure, we entered into a long discussion +relative to the Helvetic Republic, with which I shall not trouble my +readers. Before I went, I inquired his name from one of the servants, +and it immediately occurred to me that I had seen it in the list of +those twenty-six who are mentioned as the leaders of the Swiss who +defeated the Burgundians, and whose monument is carved in the solid rock +at Morat. Two engravings of the monument were in the rooms we occupied, +and I had amused myself with reading over the names. I am no aristocrat +myself, heaven knows! and if a country could be benefited, and liberty +obtained, by the overthrow of the aristocracy, the sooner it is done the +better; but when we see, as in Switzerland, the aristocracy reduced to +keeping village inns, and their inferiors, in every point, exerting that +very despotism of which they complained, and to free the people from +which, was their pretence for a change of government, I cannot help +feeling that if one is to be governed, let it be, at all events, by +those who, from the merits of their ancestors and their long-held +possessions, have the most claim. Those who are born to power are not +so likely to have their heads turned by the possession of it as those +who obtain it unexpectedly; and those who are above money-making are +less likely to be corrupt than those who seek it. The lower the class +that governs, the worse the government will be, and the greater the +despotism. Switzerland is no longer a patriarchal land. Wealth has +rolled into the country; and the time will come when there will be a +revolution in the republic. Nothing can prevent it, unless all the +cantons are vested into one central government, instead of so many petty +oligarchies, as at present, and which will eventually tire out the +patience of the people. + +I parted from my noble host, and will do him the justice to say that his +bill was so moderate, compared to the others paid in Switzerland, that I +almost wished that all the inns in the cantons were held by the +nobility--that is, provided they would follow his example. His wine was +excellent, and I suspect was laid in long before the sign was hung up at +the door. + +From Soleure to Berne the whole road was lined with parties of troops +ordered in that direction: every man of them was drunk, cheering, and +hooting, and hallooing at us as we passed. As for the peasant girls +they met on the road, I really pitied them. At last we have arrived at +Berne. The Bernese have chosen a most appropriate symbol in their +heraldic crests of the bear, and, as if they had not a sufficient +quantity inside of their towns, they keep four in the ditch outside. + +What a difference between the _tables d'hote_ in Germany and in +Switzerland! I always prefer the _table d'hote_ when it is respectable, +for nothing is more unpleasant than remaining in a hotel shut up in your +own room; the latter may be more dignified and aristocratic, but it is +not the way to see the world; one might as well be in England, and, +indeed, had much better. A _table d'hote_ is a microcosm: you meet +there all nations, people of all professions--some idle, some busy +travelling on important matters, others travelling for amusement. You +are unfortunate if you do not fall in with one clever man at least, and +you are quite sure to meet with a fool, which is almost as amusing. +When I survey a _table d'hote_ I often think of the calenders who had +all come to spend the _Ramadhan_ at Bagdad, and their histories; and I +have thought that Grattan might make a very good series of Highways and +Byways if he could obtain the history of those who meet at this general +rendezvous. The _tables d'hote_ in Germany are excellent, properly +supplied, and very moderate. I cannot say so of those in Switzerland. +The fondness of the Swiss for money betrays itself in everything, and +instead of liberality at the _table d'hote_, we have meanness. The +dinner itself is dearer than in Germany, and not half so good; but what +is the most unexcusable part of our host's conduct is, that he half +serves his guests, as Sancho was served at Barataria; for instance, as +is usually the case, the viands are put on the table and then removed to +be carved; two ducks will make their appearance at one end, two chickens +at the other; are removed, and only one of each is cut up and handed +round, the others are sent away whole to be re-dressed for some great +man who dines in his own room. This has been constantly the case since +I have been here. It may be asked, why we do not remonstrate? In the +first place, I prefer watching my host's manoeuvres; and in the next, +although I might get my duck, my host would charge me the whole value of +it when he sent in his bill. + +The French Ambassador could not have taken a better step to bring the +Swiss to their senses than threatening them with a blockade. It would +have been ruin to them. All the golden harvests would have been over, +their country would have been deserted, and their Ranz des Vaches would +have been listened to only by the cows. As the French minister +expected, the councils fumed and vapoured, the officers drew their +swords and flourished them, and then--very quietly pocketed the affront +that they might not be out of pocket. What a pity it is that a nation +so brave and with so many good sterling qualities, should be, as it +would appear, so _innately_ mercenary! There never was a truer saying +than "Point d'argent, point de Suisse." + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY SIX. + + Geneva. +Twenty years have made a wonderful alteration in the good sober +puritanical city of Geneva. The improvement from the new buildings +which have been erected is so great, that I could hardly recognise the +old city of Geneva in her dress. It was an old friend with a new face, +for as you enter the town, all the new buildings and streets meet your +view. As far as it has proceeded (for there is much left yet to be +finished), the new portion of Geneva is finer than any portion of Paris, +upon an equal space of ground. But what surprised me more was to read +the _affiches_ of the _Comedie_. A theatre in Geneva! When I was last +here, a theatre was considered by the good people as criminal to the +highest degree. I inquired where the theatre was to be found, and it +was all true--there _was_ a _theatre_. I then made more inquiries. It +appeared that Mammon had seduced the puritans of Geneva. People would +not winter at Geneva; it was so dull--no amusements; and as soon as the +snow was knee deep at Chamouny, they all ordered horses and flew away to +Paris or Italy. This affected the prosperity of the good citizens, and +they talked among themselves; but no one of the Town Council would +propose a theatre, until it was discovered, by private communication, +that they were unanimously agreed,--then the proposition was started and +carried. But there are many concomitants attending a theatre, and with +the theatre many other innovations have crept in; so that in a few years +Geneva will be no better than Paris. When I was last here, Science was +the order of the day. There were many celebrated men residing in the +town, but they are all gone to their forefathers. Every branch of +Natural History had its _savant_; but, above all, Mineralogy was the +most in vogue. But Mineralogy has been superseded lately, by her eldest +sister Geology, who, although not so pretty, has been declared more +interesting and profound. Still Mineralogy is the more scientific, +although Geology is the more speculative. In the education of children, +I know no study which so enlarges the mind or gives a habit of research +and application, as that of Natural History; it is amusement and +instruction so happily blended, that it never tires. Perhaps, the +natural cupidity of our natures assists, as the knowledge of every new +specimen is for the most part accompanied by the _possession_ of the +specimen and an addition to the collection. Moreover, it is a tangible +study; not a nomenclature of things, but each substance is in your hand +to be examined. The arrangement and classification gives a habit of +neatness and order, and children are taught to throw nothing away until +its value is known. Every child should be made acquainted with Natural +History; and where the specimens can be obtained, and there is room for +them, they should be allowed to have a collection, such as minerals, +corals, shells, and plants; for these sciences, amusing in themselves, +will gradually impel them to the others more abstruse, as every branch +of Natural Philosophy is intimately connected with them. The mind will +ever be active, and if not interested in rational pursuits, it will fly +off to the sensual. + +They have a very excellent plan in Switzerland, in many of the boys' +schools, of all the scholars setting off together on a pedestrian tour +of some weeks. You will meet a whole school of thirty or forty urchins, +with their knapsacks on their shoulders, attired in blouses, trudging +away from town to town, and from mountain to mountain, to visit all the +remarkable peculiarities of the country. + +This is a most excellent method of relaxing from study, and invigorating +the mind at the same time that it is allowed to repose. Neither is it +so expensive as people would imagine. One room will hold a great many +school-boys, where the mattresses are spread over the floor: and I saw +them make a very hearty breakfast upon bread and cheese and three +bottles of wine, among about forty of them. Why should not the boys +about London set off on a tour to the lakes or elsewhere, in the same +way--every year changing the route. They then would see something of +their own country, which few do before they are launched in life, and +have no time to do afterwards. I have never seen the lakes; in fact, I +know nothing of my country, although I have scoured the world so long. +I recollect that my father, who had never seen the Tower of London, was +determined every year that he would go and see it; but he never could +find time, it appears, for he died without seeing it at last. I did, +however, make the observation, that if Geneva had backslided so far as +to permit a theatre, there was a feeling that this innovation required +being carefully opposed. When I was at Geneva before, there was no +theatre, but neither were there shops which dealt exclusively in +religious tracts and missionary works. I observed on this my second +arrival, that there were a great many to serve as a check to the +increasing immorality of the age. + +I have referred to the change of twenty years, but what a change has +been effected in about three hundred years, in this very country. Read +what took place in these cantons at about the date which I have +mentioned. I have been reading the chronicles. Observe the powers +assumed by the bishops of that period; they judged not only men but +brutes; and it must be admitted that there was some show of justice, as +the offending parties, being dumb themselves, were allowed lawyers to +plead for them. + +How the lawyers were paid, has not been handed down; and it appears that +the judgments were sometimes easier pronounced than carried into +execution. + +At Basle, in the year 1474, it appears that a cock was accused of the +enormous crime of having laid an egg: he was brought to trial and +condemned to be burnt alive, as a warning to all cocks not to lay eggs, +from which it is well known would have been hatched a cockatrice or +basilisk. + +In 1481, cockchafers committed great ravages in the Grisons. The Bishop +of Coire condemned them all to transportation, and a barren valley was +assigned to them as their future residence. Whether the cockchafers +obeyed his Lordship's orders, is not handed down to posterity. + +Some years afterwards the river Aar was infested with leeches, who +spoilt all the salmon. The Bishop of Lausanne excommunicated the whole +tribe of leeches in a solemn procession to the river; and it is dreadful +to reflect, that this excommunication remains upon their heads even unto +this day. Also next door, in France, in 1386, a sow was arraigned for +having eaten a young child, and condemned to be hanged; to add to the +disgrace of her punishment, she was dressed _in man's clothes_. + +About the same period rats were extremely mischievous, and in +consequence were summoned to appear before my Lord the Bishop. But the +rats had a good lawyer, who first asserted that the rats, being +dispersed in all the neighbouring villages, had not had time to collect +together, and make their appearance; and that a second and a third +summons would be but an act of justice. They were, therefore, again +summoned after the performance of mass on Sunday in each parish. +Notwithstanding the three summonses, the rats did not appear in court, +and then their defender asserted, that in consequence of the affair +having been made so public by the three summonses, all the cats were on +the look-out, and therefore his clients dare not make their appearance +without all the cats were destroyed. The consequence of this difficulty +was, that the rats were not punished for contempt of court. + +I have often thought that it is a great pity that agricultural +associations in England do not send over a committee to examine into the +principle upon which they build and load carts and waggons on the +Continent. + +It is a point on which we are very unenlightened in England. The waste +of wood in the building, and the wear and tear of horses, is enormous. +We have yet many things to learn in England, and must not be ashamed to +profit from our neighbours. One horse will do more work on the +Continent, especially in France and Switzerland, from the scientific +principles upon which their vehicles are built, and the loads are put +on, than three horses will accomplish in England. The inquiries of the +committee might be extended much if they went to the Agricultural +Association at Berne; they would discover many things which have not yet +entered into their philosophy. I doubt very much whether the +four-course shift of Norfolk, where farming is considered the most +perfect, is not more expensive and more exhausting to the land, than the +other systems resorted to on the Continent; that is, that it is not that +which will give the greatest possible returns at the minimum of expense. +I have before observed how very seldom you see a horse out of condition +and unfit for work on the Continent; one great cause must be from their +not being racked and torn to pieces by overloading; and notwithstanding +which, the loads they draw are much heavier than those in England. I +have seen a load of many tons so exactly poised upon two wheels, that +the shaft horse neither felt his saddle nor his belly-band. + +One great cause of the ill usage of horses in England is the disgraceful +neglect of the public conveyances of all kinds. If an alteration was to +be made in the regulations of hackney coaches and cabs, we should no +longer have our feelings tortured by the spectacles of horse misery +which we daily meet with. There are plenty of commissioners for hackney +coaches, and it is a pity that they had not something to do for the +money they receive, or else that they were abolished and their duty put +into the hands of the police. It may appear a singular remark to make, +but I cannot help thinking that there would be a good moral effect in +the improvement of hackney coaches. There are a certain class of people +in London, to whom these vehicles are at present of no use. I refer to +those who have a sufficient independence, but who cannot afford to keep +their carriages, and who, by the present system of social intercourse, +are almost shut out of society, or are inclined to spend more money than +prudence would dictate. In all other capitals, the hackney coaches are +clean and respectable, and in some instances as good as a private +carriage; and besides that, they have a superior kind of carriage for +evening parties, which renders the expense of a private carriage +unnecessary. There certainly may be some excuse made for those who +dislike hackney coaches pulling up at their doors, when we look at the +disgusting turn-outs of the London stands, at one time filled with +drunken men and women, at others carrying diseased people to the +hospital, or dead bodies to the Surgeons' Hall. An English hackney +coach is a type of misery, as regards the horses' outsides, and a +_cloaca_ within; you know not, when you step into it, whether you are +not to encounter disease and death. It may be said that there are such +vehicles as glass coaches, as they are termed; but those are only to be +hired by the day, and become very expensive. The arrangements of these +vehicles should be under the police: every coach and cab should be +examined, at the commencement of the year, as to its appearance outside +as well as its cleanliness inside. The horses should be inspected, and +if not in fair working condition, and of a certain height, the license +should be refused. And there should be a superior class allowed at +certain stands, who are entitled to demand a higher fare. This would +not only be a boon to the public, but a much greater one to the poor +horse, who would not drag out his lengthened misery as he does now. +When there was no longer any means of selling a poor brute, to whom +death was a release, he would be put out of his misery. It would also +be a great improvement if the Numbers were put inside instead of out, as +they are abroad; and if _every_ description of vehicle, if well fitted, +were licensed. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN. + +The Hotel des Bergues is certainly a splendid establishment; many people +winter at this hotel in preference to going to a pension, which is, with +the best arrangements, disagreeable, for you are obliged to conform to +the usages and customs, and to take your meals at certain hours, hungry +or not hungry, as if it were a pension of school-boys and girls, and not +grown up people. The price demanded is the same as at the pensions, viz +200 francs, or 8 pounds per month, which includes everything but wine +and fuel. The establishment is certainly very well conducted. There is +a salon, next to the table d'hote, large enough to hold 200 people, well +warmed and lighted, handsomely carpeted, with piano, books, prints, +newspapers, card tables, etcetera. Indeed, there is everything you wish +for, and you are all independent of each other, I was there for two or +three days, and found it very pleasant; I was amused with a circumstance +which occurred. One of the company, a Russian, sat down to the piano, +and played and sang. Every one wished to know who he was, and on +inquiring, it was a Russian prince. Now a prince is a very great person +where princes are scarce, as they are in England, although in Russia, a +prince, where princes are plenty as blackberries, is about on a par with +an English baronet. + +He was a very honest off-hand sort of personage, and certainly gave +himself no airs on account of his birth and rank. Nevertheless, the +English ladies, who were anxious that he should sing again, made a sort +of deputation to him, and begged the honour of his highness favouring +them with a song, with every variety of courtesy and genuflexion. + +"Oh yes, to be sure," replied his highness, who sat down and played for +an hour, and then there was so much thanking, complimentary +acknowledgement of condescension on his part, etcetera, and the ladies +appeared so flattered when he spoke to them. The next day it was +discovered that a slight mistake had occurred, and that, instead of +being a prince, he had only come to Geneva along with a Russian prince, +and that the real prince was in his own room upstairs; upon which not +only he fell himself at least 200 per cent, but, what was really too +bad, his singing fell also; and many who had been most loud in his +praises began to discover that he was not even a prince of musicians, +which he certainly was. + +We had a good specimen of the independence and familiarity of Swiss +servants on the occasion of this gentleman's singing; they came into the +salon, and mixed almost with the company that they might listen to him; +and had they been ordered out, would, in all probability, have refused. +An American, with whom I was conversing, observed that in _his_ country +such conduct on the part of servants, notwithstanding what had been said +by English travellers on the subject, would never have been permitted. +I have fallen in with some odd characters here. + +First, what would be considered a curiosity in England--a clergyman of +the Church of England with mustachios! What would the Bishop of London +say?--and yet I do not see how, if a clergyman choose to wear them, he +could be prevented. He has good authority to quote; Calvin wore them, +and so, I believe, did Luther. + +Secondly, with a personage who is very peculiarly disorganised when he +drinks too much. His wife, a most amiable quiet lady, is the party +whose character is attacked. As soon as Mr -- is in his cups, he +immediately fancies that his wife is affected with the liquor, and not +himself, and he tells everybody in a loud whisper his important secret. +"There now, look at Mrs --, one of the best women in the world; an +excellent wife and mother, and at most times as lady-like as you would +wish to see: but look at her now--you see she's quite drunk, poor thing; +what a pity, isn't it, that she cannot get over her unfortunate +propensity; but I am afeard it's no use. I've reasoned with her. It's +a sad pity, and a great drawback to my happiness. Well, hang sorrow--it +killed a cat. Don't notice what I've told you, and pass the bottle." + +I believe that the English are better acquainted with geography than +other nations. I have been astonished at the ignorance on this point I +have found in foreigners who otherwise were clever and well-informed men +and women. When the Marquis de Claremont Tonnere was appointed to the +office of Minister of the Marine and Colonies, upon the restoration of +the Bourbons, a friend of mine had an audience with him, and it was not +until a very angry discussion, and a reference to the map, that he could +persuade the minister that Martinique was an _island_. However, in this +instance we had nearly as great an error committed in our own Colonial +office, which imagined that the Dutch settlement of Demerara upon the +coast of South America, and which had fallen into our hands, _was_ an +island; indeed, in the official papers it was spoken of as such. A +little before the French Revolution, a princess who lived in Normandy +determined upon a visit to her relations in Paris; and having a sister +married to a Polish nobleman, she determined to take Poland in her way. +To her astonishment, instead of a day to two, her voyage was not +completed under four months. + +I have heard it often asserted, that you should not build your house so +as to look at a fine prospect out of your windows, but so as to walk to +view it at a short distance. This may be true with the finest prospects +in other countries, but not so in Switzerland, where the view never +palls upon the eye, from the constant changing which occurs in the +tinting of the landscape. You may look upon the Lake of Geneva every +day, and at no one day, or even portion of the day, is the effect the +same. The mountains of Savoy are there, and change not their position: +neither does the Lake; but at one time the mountains will appear ten +miles nearer to you than they will at another. The changing arising +from refraction and reflection is wonderful. Never did I witness +anything finer than the Lake of Geneva at the setting of yesterday's +sun. The water was calm and glassy as a mirror, and it reflected in +broad patches, like so many islands dispersed over it, every colour of +the rainbow. I cannot attempt to describe it; the effect was heavenly, +and all I could say was, with the Mussulman, "God is great!" + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT. + +In this world we are so jealous of any discovery being made, that +innovation is immediately stigmatised as quackery. I say innovation, +for improvement is not the term. The attempt to improve is innovation, +the success of the experiment makes it an improvement. And yet how are +we to improve without experiment? Thus we have quackery in everything, +although not quite so severely visited as it formerly was by the +Inquisition who would have burnt alive him who asserted that the sun did +not go round the earth, but the earth round the sun. In medicine, +quackery is the most frequently stigmatised. We know but little of the +human frame as far as medicine is to act upon it. We know still less of +the virtues of various plants which will effect a cure. We are +acquainted with a few but there are hundreds equally powerful, the +properties of which we are ignorant of. Could we add to medical science +the knowledge of the African negroes and Indians, which they so +carefully conceal from us, our pharmacopoeia would be much extended. +When metallic medicines were first introduced into general use by a +physician, an ancestor of mine, and the wonderful effect of them +established by the cures, the whole fraternity was up in arms, and he +was decried us a quack; notwithstanding which, the works he wrote have +gone through twenty five editions, and the doses prescribed by him are +to this day made use of by the practitioners. + +The fact is, that although the surgical knowledge of the day is very +perfect, the medical art is still in its infancy. Even the quackeries +which fail should not be despised, for they have proved something, +although they could not be perfected. Animal magnetism, for instance: +it failed, but still it discovered some peculiar properties, some +sympathies of the human body, which may hereafter give a clue to more +important results. The great proof of the imperfection of medical +science is the constant change made by the profession itself. One +medicine is taken into favour, it is well received every where, until +the faculty are tired of it, and it sinks into disgrace. Even in my +time I have seen many changes of this sort, not only in medicine, but in +diet, etcetera. + +What medical men would have thought of prescribing fat bacon for +delicate stomachs twenty years ago? Now it is all the vogue; breakfast +bacon sold in every quarter of the metropolis. Either this is quackery, +to use their own term, or twenty years ago they were very ignorant, for +their patients received positive injunctions to avoid all fat and greasy +substances. + +Thus do the regular practitioners chop and change about, groping in the +dark: but the only distinction is, that all changes made by the faculty +are orthodox; but any alteration proposed out of the pale of MD, is an +innovation and a quackery. + +That we have every where ignorant men, who are _de facto_ quacks, I +admit; but still that term has been as liberally applied to the attempts +of scientific and clever persons to improve the art of medicine. Even +homoeopathy must not be totally rejected until it has had a fair trial. +It has one merit in it, at all events, that you take less physic. + +I consider the continual appearance of new quacks on the horizon a sure +proof of the low state of our medical knowledge. The more so as these +quacks, although they kill, do effect very remarkable cures. Do not +regular practitioners kill also? or rather, do not their prescriptions +fail? If a quack cures, they will tell you that it was by mere +accident. I suspect that there is more of accident in the practice than +the faculty are ready to admit; and Heaven knows they so change about +themselves, that it is clear that they feel no confidence in the little +that they do know; and it is because medicine is so imperfect that every +half century we have a new quack, as he is termed, rising up, and +beating the regular practitioners out of the field. I could tell a +story about Morrison's pills which would surprise not a little, and all +the parties are now alive to prove it; but instead of that, I will tell +another which occurred in France, in which a quack medicine had a most +wonderful and unusual effect, for it was the means of the _total +destruction of a Banditti_, who had defied the Government of the country +for many years. About twenty years ago,--I am not sure whether he still +lives,--there was an irregular practitioner in France of the name of Le +Roi. He was, by all accounts, the King of all Empirics, and the Emperor +of all Quacks. He was more potent than the sovereign, and the _par +l'ordre du Roi_ of Government was insignificant, compared to the _par +l'ordre du Roi_ of this more potent personage. He did not publish his +cures in _pamphlets_, but in large _quartos_. I have seen them myself, +larger in size than an Ainsworth's dictionary. It so happened that an +Englishman, who was afflicted with the _indescribables_, was recommended +from every quarter to buy the medicines of Monsieur Le Roi. He did so, +and his unknown complaint was removed. The consequence was, that the +Englishman swore by Le Roi; and as he was proceeding on to Spain, he +took with him a large supply of the doctor's medicines, that he might be +prepared in case his complaint should return. All quack gentlemen take +care that their medicines shall be palatable; no unwise precaution. I +do not know a better dram than Solomon's Balm of Gilead. Old Solomon, +by the bye, lived near Plymouth, and was very partial to the Navy. He +kept an excellent table, and was very hospitable. + +I recollect one day after the officers had drunk a very sufficient +quantity of his claret and champagne, being a little elevated, they +insisted upon Solomon bringing them out some Balm of Gilead as a finish, +and they cleared off about two dozen one guinea bottles. The old +gentleman made no objection to provide it as often as they called for +more, and they separated; but the next day he sent them all their bills +in for the said Balm of Gilead, observing, that although they were +welcome to his wine and table, that he must be paid for his medicine. +But to proceed. + +The Englishman travelled with the king's messenger; most of his baggage +had been sent on, but he would not part with his medicine, and this was +all in the vehicle with himself. As they passed the Pyrenees they were +stopped by the banditti, who dragged them out of the carriage, after +shooting the postilion, and made them lie with their faces on the +ground, with guards over them, while they rifled the carriage. They +soon came to the packages of medicine, and observing that _Le Roi_ was +upon all the bottles, and knowing that they had possession of a king's +messenger, they imagined that this was some liquor sent as a present to +the King of Spain; they tasted it, and found that, like other quack +medicines, it was very strong and very good. + +Each man took his bottle, drank the king's health, and mirth and revelry +took place, until they had consumed all that the Englishman had brought +with him. Now there is a great difference between taking a +table-spoonful, and six or seven bottles per man; and so it proved, for +they had hardly finished the last case before they found that the +medicine acted very powerfully as a cathartic; the whole banditti were +simultaneously attacked with a most violent cholera; they disappeared +one by one; at last the guards could contain themselves no longer, and +they went off too. The two prisoners, perceiving this, rose from the +ground, mounted the horses and galloped off as fast as they could. They +gave notice to the authorities of the first town they arrived at, not +four miles distant, and a large body of cavalry were sent out +immediately. The effects of the medicine had been so violent that the +whole of the banditti were found near to the spot where they had drunk +the king's health, in such a state of suffering and exhaustion that they +could make no efforts to escape, and were all secured, and eventually +hung. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTY NINE. + + Lausanne. +I recollect some one saying, that in walking out you should never look +up in the air, but always on the ground, as, by the former practice, you +were certain never to find any thing, although you might by the latter. +So if you will not enter into conversation, you are not likely to obtain +much information; whereas if you do, you will always chance to obtain +some, even from the quarters the least promising. I was seated on the +box of the carriage, with the Swiss _voiturier_--and asked him, "If it +were not a lucrative profession?" + +"It may appear so to you, sir," replied he, "from the price paid for the +horses, but it is not so. All we gain, is in five months in the year; +the seven months of winter, we have to feed our horses without +employment for them, that is, generally speaking." + +"But have you no employment for them in the winter?" + +"Yes, we put them into the waggons and draw wood and stone, which about +pays their expenses. If you are known and trusted, you will be employed +to transport wine, which is more profitable; but that _voiturier_ who +can find sufficient employment for his horses during the winter to pay +their keeping, considers himself very fortunate." + +"When you do make money, what do you do with it?" + +"If we can buy a bit of land we do, but most people, if they can, buy a +house, which pays better. I prefer land." + +"There is not much territory in Switzerland, and land is not often for +sale. Everybody cannot buy land. What do the others do?" + +"Lock the money up in their chests." + +"But do you never put your money in the foreign funds?" + +"Yes, the rich do and those who understand it. We have a few very rich +people in Switzerland, but, generally speaking, the people do not like +to part with their money, and they keep it by them." + +"I was told by a Frenchman at Basle, that there was a great deal of +bullion lying idle in Switzerland?" + +"He told you very true, sir; there is an enormous quantity of it, if +collected together. Those are Jews," continued he, pointing to a +_char-a-banc_ passing. + +"Have you many of those in Switzerland? I should think not." + +"No, sir, we do not allow them. One or two families are perhaps +permitted in a large town, but no more. We are a small country, and if +we were to allow the Jews to settle here, we should soon have too large +a population to support. By their customs, they may marry at any age, +and they never go into the field, and work at the plough." + +"But may not you marry at any age, and when you please?" + +"No, sir; we have good laws in that respect, and it prevents the +population increasing too fast. I belong to a commune (parish); if I +wish to marry, I must first prove that all my debts are paid, and all my +father's debts, and then the commune will permit the Cure to marry me." + +"All your father's debts as well as your own?" + +"That is to say, all the debts he may have incurred to the commune. +Suppose my father had been a poor man and unable to work, the commune +would have let him want for nothing; but in supplying him they would +have incurred an expense, that must be repaid by his family before any +of the sons are allowed to marry. In the same way, when my father died, +although he received no assistance from the commune, he left little or +nothing. The commune clothed and educated me till I was able to gain my +own livelihood. Since I have done well, I have repaid the debt; I now +may marry if I choose." + +"But cannot you evade this law?" + +"No, sir. Suppose I was at Berne, and wished to marry a woman who +belonged to another commune as well as myself. The banns must be +published three times in my parish, three times in her parish, and three +times at Berne." + +"But suppose you married in a foreign country?" + +"If a Swiss marries in a foreign country, and has no debts to prevent +his marrying, he must write home to the heads of the commune, stating +his intention, and his banns will then be published in the commune, and +a license sent him to marry. But if, having debts of your own or your +father's, you marry without giving notice, you are then no longer +belonging to the commune, and if you come back in distress, you will be +conveyed to the confines of the republic, and advised to seek the parish +of your wife in her country. If you are out of Switzerland with your +wife, every child that you have born you must give notice of by letter +to the commune, that it may be properly registered; and if you omit so +doing, those children have no claim on their return." + +Such was the result of our conversation, and I repeat it for the benefit +of those who occupy themselves with our internal legislation. + +I have been searching a long while for liberty, but I can find her +nowhere on this earth: let me be allegorical. If all the world are +still in love with the name of Liberty, how much more were all the world +in love with the nymph herself when she first made her appearance on +earth. Every one would possess her, and every one made the attempt, but +Liberty was not to be caught. How was it possible without her +destruction? After being harassed all over the world, and finding that +she never was allowed to take breath, she once more fled from her +pursuers, and, as they seized her garments, with the spring of the +chamois she burst away, and bounding from the world, saved herself in +Ether, where she remains to this day. Her dress was, however, left +behind, and was carried home in triumph. It is, however, composed of +such slippery materials as its former owner, and it escapes as it +pleases from one party to another. It is this dress of Liberty which we +now reverence as the goddess herself, and whatever is clothed with it +for the time receives the same adoration as would have been offered up +to the true shrine. Even Despotism, when in a very modest mood, will +clothe herself in the garb of Liberty. + +Now there is really a sort of petty despotism in these _free_ cantons, +which would be considered very offensive in England. What would an +English farmer say, if he was told that he could not commence his +harvest without the permission of Government? Yet such is the case in +Switzerland, where there is a heavy fine if any one commences his +vintage before the time prescribed by the authorities. Your grapes may +be ripe, and be spoiled; you have to choose between that alternative, or +paying a fine, which reduces your profits to _nil_. The reason given +for this is that there are so many petty proprietors holding half and +quarter acres of vineyards mixed together and not separated by a wall or +fence, that if one began first he would rob the vineyard of the other-- +not arguing much for the Swiss honesty, which has become so proverbial. + +The case of the vintage laws is peculiarly hard this season upon the +small proprietors. The vintage has been late, and winter has now set +in, all at once. After weather like summer, we are now deep in snow, +and the thermometer below the freezing point. Few of the small +proprietors have wine-presses; they have to wait until those who have +them have got in their vintage, and then they borrow them. The +consequence is, that the small proprietors are always the last to gather +their grapes, and now they have been overtaken by the weather, and they +will lose most of their harvest. Had they been permitted to pick their +grapes at their own time, they might have used the presses, and have +finished before the large vineyards had commenced. + +From the inquiries I have made, it appears that the vineyards of +Switzerland pay very badly. Land is at a very high price here, in the +Canton de Vaud; 300 or 400 pounds per acre is not thought dear (600 +pounds have been given); and in the best seasons a vineyard will not +yield 10 pounds per acre. The wine is very indifferent, and requires to +be kept for years to become tolerable. + +But the Swiss are wedded to their vineyards; and although, if they laid +down the land in pasture, they would gain twice as much, they prefer the +speculation of the wine-press, which fails at least three times out of +four. + +The office of public executioner or Jack Ketch of a canton in +Switzerland, as well as in many parts of Germany, is very appropriately +endowed. He has a right to all animals who die a natural death, with +their skins, hoofs, etcetera, and this, it is said, brings in a fair +revenue, if attended to. Executions are so uncommon in Switzerland, +that Jack Ketch would starve if he was not thus associated with death. +When an execution does take place he is well paid; they say the sum he +receives is upwards of twenty pounds; but it must be remembered that he +does not hang, he decapitates, and this requires some address: the +malefactor is seated in a chair, not laid down with his head on the +block. + +An execution took place at Berne when I was last in Switzerland; the +criminal, after he was seated in the chair, was offered a cup of coffee, +and as he was drinking it, the executioner, with one blow of his heavy +sword, struck his head clear off; for a second or two the blood flew up +like a fountain: the effect was horrid. + +An Englishman at Lausanne had a very favourite Newfoundland dog, which +died. He was about to bury it, when the executioner interfered and +claimed the skin; and it was not until he had submitted to the demands +of this official gentleman, that he was permitted to bury his favourite +in a whole skin. Only imagine, half a dozen old dowagers of Park Lane, +whose puffy lap-dogs were dead in their laps, bargaining for their +darlings with Jack Ketch, because they wish to have them stuffed; and +Jack's extortion raising his demands, in proportion to the value +apparently placed upon the defunct favourites. Talking about lap-dogs, +one of the best stories relative to these creatures is to be found in +Madame de Crequey's Memoirs. A Madame de Blot, a French dandysette, if +the term may be used, who considered her own sex as bound to be +ethereal, and would pretend that the wing of a lark was more than +sufficient for her sustenance during the twenty-four hours, had one of +the smallest female spaniels that was ever known. She treated her like +a human being, and when she went out to a party, used to desire her +lady's maid to read the animal a comedy in five acts, to amuse it during +her absence. It so happened that a fat priest, who was anxious for the +protection of Madame de Blot, called to pay his respects. Madame de +Blot made a sign to him, without speaking, to take his seat upon a large +fauteuil. No sooner had the priest lowered down his heavy carcass into +the chair, than he felt something struggling under him, and a little +recollection told him that it must be the little spaniel. That it was +all over with the spaniel was clear, and that if her mistress had +discovered his accident, it was equally clear that it was all over with +him, as far as the patronage of Madame de Blot was concerned. The +priest showed a remarkable degree of presence of mind upon this trying +occasion. He rose himself up a little from his chair and plumped down, +so as to give the poor little spaniel her _coup de grace_, and then +entered into conversation with Madame de Blot. During the conversation +he contrived by degrees to cram the dog, tail and all, into his +capacious coat pockets. As soon as it was fairly out of sight, he rose, +bade adieu to Madame de Blot, and backed out of the room with as great +respect as if he was in the presence of royalty, much to the +satisfaction of Madame de Blot, who was delighted at such homage, and +little thought why the good priest would not turn his back to her. The +story says, that the Madame de Blot never could find out what had become +of her little dog. + + + +CHAPTER FORTY. + + Lausanne. +What a continual strife there is between literary men! I can only +compare the world of authors to so many rats drowning in a tub, forcing +each other down to raise themselves, and keep their own heads above +water. And yet they are very respectable, and a very useful body of +men, also, in a politico-economical sense of the word, independent of +the advantages gained by their labours, by the present and the future; +for their capital is _nothing_ except brains, and yet they contrive to +find support for themselves and thousands of others. It is strange when +we consider how very few, comparatively speaking, are the number of +authors, how many people are supported by them. + +There are more than a thousand booksellers and publishers in the three +kingdoms, all of whom rent more than a thousand houses, paying rent and +taxes; support more than a thousand families, and many thousand clerks, +as booksellers alone. Then we have to add the paper manufacturers, the +varieties of bookbinders, printing-ink manufacturers, iron pens, and +goose quills. All of which are subservient to and dependent upon these +comparatively few heads. + +What a _train_ an author has! unfortunately for him it is too long. +There are too many dependent upon him, and, like some potentates, the +support of his state eats his whole revenue, leaving him nothing but +bread and cheese and fame. Some French writer has said, "La litterature +est le plus noble des loisirs, mais le dernier de tous les metiers;" and +so it is, for this one reason, that according as an author's wants are +cogent, so he is pressed down by the publisher. Authors and publishers +are natural enemies, although they cannot live without each other. If +an author is independent of literature, and has a reputation, he bullies +the publisher: he is right; he is only revenging the insults contumely +heaped upon those whom the publishers know to be in their power, and +obliged to submit to them. Well, every dog has his day, and the time +will come when I and others, having swam too long, shall find younger +and fresher competitors, who will, like the rats, climb on our backs, +and we shall sink to the bottom of the tub of oblivion. Now, we must +drive on with the stream; the world moves on so fast, that there is no +stopping. In these times, "Si on n'avance pas, on recule." + +How the style of literature changes! Even now I perceive an alteration +creeping on, which will last for a time. We are descending to the +homely truth of Tenier's pictures. + +Every work of fiction now is "sketched from nature;" the palaces, the +saloon, all the elegancies of high life are eschewed, and the middle and +vulgar classes are the subjects of the pencil. But this will not last +long. It is the satiety of refinement on the part of the public which +for a short time renders the change palatable. + +I was yesterday informed that a celebrated author wished to be +introduced to me. I was ashamed to say that I had never heard his name. +The introduction took place, and there was a sort of patronising air on +the gentleman's part, which I did not approve of. I therefore told him +very frankly that I was not aware of the nature of his literary labours, +and requested to know what were his works. He had _abridged_ something, +and he had written a _commentary_ upon another thing!--just the +employment fit for some old gentleman who likes still to puddle a little +with ink. One could write a commentary upon any thing. One of my +children is singing a nursery song, now I'll write a commentary on it in +the shape of notes:-- + + Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been? + I've been to London to see the new queen. + Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there? + Hunted a titty mouse under the chair. + +Now for a commentary:-- + +This simple nursery rhyme is in the familiar style of question and +answer, which is always pleasing; and it is remarkable that two +excellent moral lessons are to be found in so few words. + +The child who sings it may be supposed to repeat the words without +comprehending their full meaning; but although such may be the case, +still it is most important that even the rhymes put into the infantine +lips should afford an opportunity to those who watch over their welfare +to point out to them on a proper occasion the instruction which they +contain. In the first line, the term pussy cat may be considered +tautological, as pussy and cat both refer to the same animal; but if so, +it is allowable, as pussy may be considered as the christian name and +cat as the surname of the animal. It is to be presumed that the cat +addressed is young, for it evidently was at play, and old cats do not +play. Otherwise it would not have been necessary to repeat her name, to +call her attention to the question. The cat answers in few words, as if +not wishing to be interrupted, that she has been to London to see the +new queen. What queen of England may be referred to, it is impossible +to positively ascertain; but as she says the new queen, we have a right +to suppose that it must refer to the accession of a queen to the throne +of England. We have here to choose between three,--Elizabeth, Mary, and +Anne; and for many reasons, particularly as the two last were married, +we are inclined to give the preference to the first, the word _new_ +having, for the sake of the metre, been substituted for virgin. Certain +it is that a married woman cannot be considered as _new_, although she +may not be old. We therefore adhere to our supposition that this rhyme +was composed at the accession of the great Elizabeth. And here we may +observe, that the old adage "that a cat may look at the king" is fully +corroborated, for pussy says expressly that she has been to see the new +queen, pointing out, that as the sun shines upon all alike, so the sun +of royalty, in a well-administered government, will equally dispense its +smiles upon all who approach to bask in them; and that even a cat is not +considered as unworthy to look upon that gracious majesty who feels that +it is called to rule over so many millions, for the purpose of making +them happy. + +It would appear as if the cat continued to play with her ball, or +whatever else might have been its amusements, after having answered the +first question; for, on the second question being put, her attention is +obliged to be again roused by the repetition of her name. She is asked +what she did there, and the reply is, that she hunted a titty mouse +under the chair. There is a wonderful effect in this last line, which +fully gives us at once the nature and disposition of the cat, and a very +excellent moral lesson. The cat calls the mouse a _titty_ mouse, a term +of endearment applied to the very animal that she was putting in bodily +fear. It is well known how cats will play with a mouse in the most +graceful way; you would almost imagine, from the manner in which it is +tossed so lightly and so elegantly, allowed to escape and then caught +again, that it was playing with it in all amity, instead of prolonging +its miseries and torturing it, previously to its ultimate destruction. + +It is in reference to this peculiar character of the cat, that she is +made to use the fond diminutive appellation of titty mouse. + +The moral contained in this last line hardly needs to be pointed out to +our intelligent readers. A cat goes to court, she enters the precincts +of a palace, at last she is in the presence of royalty, not as usual in +the kitchen, or the cellar, or the attics, or on the roofs, where cats +do most congregate, but actually stands in the presence of royalty; and +what does she do? Notwithstanding the awe which it may be naturally +supposed she is inspired with, notwithstanding the probable presence of +noble lords and ladies, forgetful of where she is, and in whose presence +she stands, seeing a mouse under the chair, she can no longer control +the powerful instincts of her nature; and forgetting that the object of +her journey was to behold royalty, she no longer thinks of any thing but +hunting the titty mouse under the chair. What a lesson is here taught +to the juvenile sexes that we should never attempt to force ourselves +above our proper situations in society, and that in so doing we soon +prove how much we are out of our place, and how our former habits and +pursuits will remain with us, and render us wholly unfit for a position +to which we ought never to have aspired. + + + +CHAPTER FORTY ONE. + + Lausanne. +After all, there is more sympathy in this world than we would suppose, +and it is something to find that, in the turmoil and angry war of +opinion and interest, nations as well as parties can lay down their +weapons for a time, and offer one general and sincere tribute to genius. +In these exciting times, we hear of revolutions in Spain and Portugal, +deaths of crowned men, with indifference, but a shock as astounding as +that of an earthquake in the city of Peru was felt throughout Europe +when the numerous periodicals spread the unexpected intelligence that +the gifted Malibran was no more, that in the fulness of her talent and +her beauty, just commencing the harvest ripe and abundant, produced by +years of unremitting labour, in which art had to perfect nature, she had +been called away to the silent tomb, and that voice which has +electrified so many thousands was mute for ever. Poor Malibran! she had +had but a niggard portion of happiness in this world, although she +procured so much pleasure to others. A brutal father, from whom she +received but blows, who sold her to a dotard, who would have sold her +again would she have consented! until her late marriage, toiling for +others, without one object in the world on whom to throw her warm +affections. I remember one day when we were talking of seasickness, I +observed that the best remedy was beating the sufferer: she shook her +head. + +"No," said she; "that will not cure it, or surely I should have been +cured when I crossed the Atlantic with my father." + +Those who knew Malibran only as a performer did not know enough of her; +they should have known her in society, and in domestic life. She was +the _ne plus ultra_ of genius in a woman; one moment all sunshine, the +next a cloud would come over her expressive features; changeable as the +wind, but in every change delightful, for she never disguised a thought. +Six weeks--but six short weeks, and I saw her at Brussels at her +country house, whither she had retired after the fatigues of the season. +How impressive must be her death. Had she sickened and died at +Brussels, the shock would have been great, for it is a shock when youth, +beauty, and talent are so suddenly mowed down; but she died, as it were, +on the stage. Admiring and applauding thousands had been listening to +her magical powers, thousands more waiting to hear her at the other +festivals; all eyes were upon her, all expectation upon tiptoe, when +death, like a matador, comes in, strikes his victim, bows sarcastically +to the audience, and retires. A thousand sermons, and ten thousand +common deaths could not have produced so effective a moral lesson as the +untimely fate of Malibran. There is but one parallel to it, and the +effect of it was tremendous. It was that of Mr Huskisson, on the +opening of the Manchester Railroad. This is the second homily read to +the good people of Liverpool and Manchester. Peace be with her, +although her body is not permitted to be at rest. + +The more I see of the Swiss and Switzerland, the more is my opinion +confirmed as to the strongest feature in the national character being +that of avarice. The country is poetry, but the inhabitants are the +prose of human existence. Not a chalet but looks as the abode of +innocence and peace; but whether you scale the beetling rock, or pause +upon the verdant turf which encircles their picturesque habitations, the +demon appears like Satan in the garden of Eden. The infant, radiant as +love, extends its little hand for money; the adult, with his keen grey +eye, searches into you to ascertain in what manner he may overreach you. +Avarice rules over the beautiful country of Helvetia. + +The prevailing foible of a nation is generally to be found in the +proverbs of the country and of those adjacent. The Genevese appear to +have the credit of excelling the Swiss generally: they say here, "Il +faut trois Juifs pour faire un Baslois, et trois Baslois pour faire un +Genevois." + +Again:-- + +"Si un Genevois se jette par la fenetre, suivez le? Il y aura pour +gagner." + +It was, however, a very neat answer given by a Swiss to a Frenchman, who +asserted that the French fought for honour, and the Swiss for money. + +"C'est vrai," replied the Swiss, "chacun se bat pour cela que lui +manque." + +The Swiss have abolished titles, they have crushed their nobility; but +human nature will prevail; and they seek distinction by other channels; +every one who has the least pretention to education or birth looks out +for employment under government; and you can hardly meet with a +well-dressed person in the streets who is not a magistrate, inspector, +_directeur_, or _employe_ in some way or the other, although the +emoluments are little or nothing. The question has been brought forward +as to trial by jury being introduced, and, strange to say, the majority +are opposed to it as not being suitable to the Swiss. The reason they +give is, that as all respectable people hold offices under Government, +and are thereby excused from serving, that there will be nobody but the +lower classes to sit as jurors. It is very difficult to obtain evidence +in a Swiss court of justice; and this arises from the dislike of the +Swiss to give evidence; as, by so doing, they may make enemies, and +their own interests may be injured. This is completely the character of +the Swiss. When I visited Switzerland in my younger days, I used my +eyes only, and I was delighted; now that I visit it again, when years +have made me reflect and inquire more, I am disappointed. The charm is +dissolved, the land of liberty appears to me to be a land of petty +tyranny in the Government, and of extreme selfishness in the +individuals; even the much-vaunted fidelity of the Swiss seems not to +have arisen from any other than mercenary motives. Indeed, there is +something radically wrong--however faithful they may be to their +employers, or however they may be brave and talented--in the hearts of +those who volunteer for hire and pay to kill their fellow creatures. I +could not put my trust in such men in private life, although I would in +the service for which they have hired themselves. + +Do the faults of this people arise from the peculiarity of their +constitutions, or from the nature of their Government? To ascertain +this, one must compare them with those who live, under similar +institutions. + +I must go to America, that's decided. + + + +CHAPTER FORTY TWO. + +SOUTH WEST AND BY WEST THREE-QUARTERS WEST. + +Jack Littlebrain was, physically considered, as fine grown, and moreover +as handsome a boy as ever was seen, but it must be acknowledged that he +was not very clever. Nature is, in most instances, very impartial; she +has given plumage to the peacock, but, as every one knows, not the +slightest ear for music. Throughout the feathered race it is almost +invariably the same; the homeliest clad are the finest songsters. Among +animals the elephant is certainly the most intelligent, but, at the same +time he cannot be considered as a beauty. Acting upon this well +ascertained principle, nature imagined, that she had done quite enough +for Jack when she endowed him with such personal perfection; and did not +consider it was at all necessary that he should be very clever; indeed, +it must be admitted, not only that he was not very clever, but (as the +truth must be told) remarkably dull and stupid. However, the +Littlebrains have been for a long while a well-known, numerous, and +influential family, so that, if it were possible that Jack could have +been taught anything, the means were forthcoming: he was sent to every +school in the country; but it was in vain. At every following vacation, +he was handed over from the one pedagogue to the other, of those whose +names were renowned for the Busbian system of teaching by stimulating +both ends: he was horsed every day and still remained an ass, and at the +end of six months, if he did not run away before that period was over, +he was invariably sent back to his parents as incorrigible and +unteachable. What was to be done with him? The Littlebrains had always +got on in the world, somehow or another, by their interest and +connections; but here was one who might be said to have no brains at +all. After many pros and cons, and after a variety of consulting +letters had passed between the various members of his family, it was +decided that, as his maternal uncle, Sir Theophilus Blazers, GCB, was at +that time second in command in the Mediterranean, he should be sent to +sea under his command; the Admiral, having in reply to a letter on the +subject, answered that it was hard indeed if he did not lick him into +some shape or another; and that, at all events, he'd warrant that Jack +should be able to box the compass before he had been three months +nibbling the ship's biscuit; further, that it was very easy to get over +the examination necessary to qualify him for lieutenant, as a turkey and +a dozen of brown stout in the boat with him on the passing day, as a +present to each of the passing captains, would pass him, even if he were +as incompetent as a camel (or, as they say at sea, a cable), to pass +through the eye of a needle; that having once passed, he would soon have +him in command of a fine frigate, with a good nursing first lieutenant; +and that if he did not behave himself properly, he would make his signal +to come on board of the flag-ship, take him into the cabin, and give him +a sound horsewhipping, as other admirals have been known to inflict upon +their own sons under similar circumstances. The reader must be aware +that, from the tenour of Sir Theophilus's letter, the circumstances +which we are narrating must have occurred some fifty years ago. + +When Jack was informed that he was to be a midshipman, he looked up in +the most innocent way in the world, (and innocent he was, sure enough,) +turned on his heels, and whistled as he went for want of thought. For +the last three months he had been at home, and his chief employment was +kissing and romping with the maids, who declared him to be the +handsomest Littlebrain that the country had ever produced. Our hero +viewed the preparations made for his departure with perfect +indifference, and wished everybody good bye with the utmost composure. +He was a happy, good-tempered fellow, who never calculated, because he +could not; never decided, for he had not wit enough to choose; never +foresaw, although he could look straight before him; and never +remembered, because he had no memory. The line, "If ignorance is bliss, +'tis folly to be wise," was certainly made especially for Jack; +nevertheless he was not totally deficient: he knew what was good to eat +or drink, for his taste was perfect, his eyes were very sharp, and he +could discover in a moment if a peach was ripe on the wall; his hearing +was quick, for he was the first in the school to detect the footsteps of +his pedagogue; and he could smell anything savoury nearly a mile off, if +the wind lay the right way. Moreover, he knew that if he put his +fingers in the fire that he would burn himself; that knives cut +severely; that birch tickled, and several other little axioms of this +sort which are generally ascertained by children at an early age, but +which Jack's capacity had not received until at a much later date. Such +as he was, our hero went to sea: his stock in his sea-chest being very +abundant, while his stock of ideas was proportionably small. + +We will pass over all the trans-shipments of Jack until he was +eventually shipped on board the Mendacious, then lying at Malta with the +flag of Sir Theophilus Blazers at the fore--a splendid ship, carrying +120 guns, and nearly 120 midshipmen of different calibres. (I pass over +captain, lieutenant, and ship's company, having made mention of her most +valuable qualifications.) Jack was received with a hearty welcome by +his uncle, for he came in pudding-time, and was invited to dinner; and +the Admiral made the important discovery, that if his nephew was a fool +in other points, he was certainly no fool at his knife and fork. In a +short time his messmates found out that he was no fool at his fists, and +his knock-down arguments ended each disputation. Indeed, as the French +would say, Jack was perfection in the _physique_, although so very +deficient in the _morale_. + +But if Pandora's box proved a plague to the whole world. Jack had his +individual portion of it, when he was summoned to _box_ the compass by +his worthy uncle Sir Theophilus Blazers; who in the course of six months +discovered that he could not make his nephew box it in the three, which +he had warranted in his letter; every day our hero's ears were boxed, +but the compass never. It required all the cardinal virtues to teach +him the cardinal points during the forenoon, and he made a point of +forgetting them before the sun went down. They attempted it (and +various were the teachers employed to drive the compass into Jack's +head) his head drove round the compass; and try all he could, Jack never +could compass it. It appeared, as some people are said only to have one +idea, as if Jack could only have one _point_ in his head at a time, and +_to_ that point he would stand like a well-broken pointer. With him the +wind never changed till the next day. His uncle pronounced him to be a +fool, but that did not hurt his nephew's feelings; he had been told so +too often already. + +I have said that Jack had a great respect for good eating and drinking, +and, moreover, was blessed with a good appetite: every person has his +peculiar fancies, and if there was anything which more titillated the +palate and olfactory nerves of our hero, it was a roast goose with sage +and onions. Now it so happened, that having been about seven months on +board of the Mendacious, Jack had one day received a summons to dine +with the Admiral, for the steward had ordered a roast goose for dinner, +and knew not only that Jack was partial to it, but also that Jack was +the Admiral's nephew, which always goes for something on board of a +flag-ship. Just before they were sitting down to table, the Admiral +wishing to know how the wind was, and having been not a little vexed +with the slow progress of his nephew's nautical acquirements, said, +"Now, Mr Littlebrain, go up, and bring me down word how the wind is; +and mark me, as, when you are sent, nine times out of ten you make a +mistake, I shall now bet you five guineas against your dinner, that you +make a mistake this time: so now be off and we will soon ascertain +whether you lose your dinner or I lose my money. Sit down, gentlemen, +we will not wait for Mr Littlebrain." + +Jack did not much admire this bet on the part of his uncle, but still +less did he like the want of good manners in not waiting for him. He +had just time to see the covers removed, to scent a whiff of the goose, +and was off. + +"The Admiral wants to know how the wind is, sir," said Jack to the +officer of the watch. + +The officer of the watch went to the binnacle, and setting the wind as +nearly as he could, replied, "Tell Sir Theophilus that it is _South West +and by West three-quarters West_." + +"That's one of those confounded long points that I never can remember," +cried Jack, in despair. + +"Then you'll `get goose,' as the saying is," observed one of the +midshipmen. + +"No; I'm afraid that I sha'n't get any," replied Jack, despondingly. +"What did he say, South West and by North three-quarters East?" + +"Not exactly," replied his messmate, who was a good-natured lad, and +laughed heartily at Jack's version. "South West and by West +three-quarters West." + +"I never can remember it," cried Jack. "I'm to have five guineas if I +do, and no dinner if I don't: and if I stay here much longer, I shall +get no dinner at all events, for they are all terribly peckish, and +there will be none left." + +"Well, if you'll give me one of the guineas, I'll show you how to manage +it," said the midshipman. + +"I'll give you two, if you'll only be quick and the goose a'nt all +gone," replied Jack. + +The midshipman wrote down the point from which the wind blew, at full +length, upon a bit of paper, and pinned it to the rim of Jack's hat. +"Now," said he, "when you go into the cabin, you can hold your hat so as +to read it, without their perceiving you." + +"Well, so I can; I never should have thought of that," said Jack. + +"You hav'n't wit enough," replied the midshipman. + +"Well I see no wit in the compass," replied Jack. + +"Nevertheless, it's full of point," replied the midshipman: "now be +quick." + +Our hero's eyes served him well, if his memory was treacherous and as he +entered the cabin door he bowed over his hat very politely and said, as +he read it off, "South West and by West three-quarters West," and then +he added, without reading at all, "if you please, Sir Theophilus." + +"Steward," said the Admiral, "tell the officer of the watch to step +down." + +"How's the wind, Mr Growler?" + +"South West and by West three-quarters West," replied the officer. + +"Then, Mr Littlebrain, you have won your five guineas, and may now sit +down and enjoy your dinner." + +Our hero was not slow in obeying the order, and ventured, upon the +strength of his success, to send his plate twice for goose. Having +eaten their dinner, drunk their wine, and taken their coffee, the +officers, at the same time, took the hint which invariably accompanies +the latter beverage, made their bows and retreated. As Jack was +following his seniors out of the cabin, the Admiral put the sum which he +had staked into his hands, observing, that "it was an ill wind that blew +nobody good." + +So thought Jack, who, having faithfully paid the midshipman the two +guineas for his assistance, was now on the poop keeping his watch, as +midshipmen usually do; that is, stretched out on the signal lockers, and +composing himself to sleep after the most approved fashion, answering +the winks of the stars by blinks of his eyes, until at last he shut them +to keep them warm. But, before he had quite composed himself, he +thought of the goose and the five guineas. The wind was from the same +quarter, blowing soft and mild; Jack laid in a sort of reverie, as it +fanned his cheek, for the weather was close and sultry. + +"Well," muttered Jack to himself, "I do love that point of the compass, +at all events, and I think that I never shall forget South West and by +West three-quarters West. No I never--never liked one before, though--" + +"Is that true?" whispered a gentle voice in his ear; "do you love `South +West and by West three-quarters West,' and will you, as you say, never +forget her?" + +"Why, what's that?" said Jack, opening his eyes, and turning half round +on his side. + +"It's me--`South West and by West three-quarters West,' that you say you +love." + +Littlebrain raised himself and looked round;--there was no one on the +poop except himself and two or three of the after-guard, who were lying +down between the guns. + +"Why, who was it that spoke?" said Jack, much astonished. + +"It was the wind you love, and who has long loved you," replied the same +voice; "do you wish to see me?" + +"See you,--see the wind?--I've been already sent on that message by the +midshipmen," thought Jack. + +"Do you love me as you say, and as I love you?" continued the voice. + +"Well, I like you better than any other point of the compass, and I'm +sure I never thought I should like one of them," replied Jack. + +"That will not do for me; will you love only me?" + +"I'm not likely to love the others," replied Jack, shutting his eyes +again; "I _hate_ them all." + +"And love me?" + +"Well, I do love you, that's a fact," replied Jack, as he thought of the +goose and the five guineas. + +"Then look round, and you shall see me," said the soft voice. + +Jack, who hardly knew whether he was asleep or awake, did at this +summons once more take the trouble to open his eyes, and beheld a fairy +female figure, pellucid as water, yet apparently possessing substance; +her features were beautifully soft and mild, and her outline trembled +and shifted as it were, waving gently to and fro. It smiled sweetly, +hung over him, played with his chestnut curls, softly touched his hips +with her own, passed her trembling fingers over his cheeks, and its warm +breath appeared as if it melted into his. Then it grew more bold,-- +embraced his person, searched into his neck and collar, as if curious to +examine him. + +Jack felt a pleasure and gratification which he could not well +comprehend: once more the charmer's lips trembled upon his own, now +remaining for a moment, now withdrawing, again returning to kiss and +kiss again, and once more did the soft voice put the question,--"Do you +love me?" + +"Better than goose," replied Jack. + +"I don't know who goose may be," replied the fairy form, as she tossed +about Jack's waving locks; "you must love only me; promise me that +before I am relieved." + +"What, have you got the first watch, as well as me?" replied Jack. + +"I am on duty just now, but I shall not be so long. We southerly winds +are never kept long in one place; some of my sisters will probably be +sent here soon." + +"I don't understand what you talk about," replied Jack. "Suppose you +tell me who you are, and what you are, and I'll do all I can to keep +awake; I don't know how it is, but I've felt more inclined to go to +sleep since you have been fanning me about, than I did before." + +"Then I will remain by your side while you listen to me. I am, as I +told you, a wind--" + +"That's puzzling," said Jack, interrupting her. + +"My name is `South West and by West three-quarters West.'" + +"Yes, and a very long name it is. If you wish me to remember you, you +should have had a shorter one." + +This ruffled the wind a little, and she blew rather sharp into the +corner of Jack's eye,--however, she proceeded,-- + +"You are a sailor, and of course you know all the winds on the compass +by name." + +"I wish I did; but I don't," replied Littlebrain, "I can recollect you, +and not one other." + +Again the wind trembled with delight on his lips, and she +proceeded:--"You know that there are thirty-two points on the compass, +and these points are divided into quarters; so that there are, in fact, +128 different winds." + +"There are more than I could ever remember; I know that," said Jack. + +"Well, we are in all 128. All the winds which have northerly in them, +are coarse and ugly; all the southern winds are pretty." + +"You don't say so?" replied our hero. + +"We are summoned to blow, as required, but the hardest duty generally +falls to the northerly winds, as it should do, for they are the +strongest; although we southerly winds can--blow hard enough when we +choose. Our characters are somewhat different. The most unhappy in +disposition, and I may say, the most malevolent, are the north and +easterly winds; the North West winds are powerful, but not unkind; the +South East winds vary, but, at all events, we of the South West are +considered the mildest and most beneficent. Do you understand me?" + +"Not altogether. You're going right round the compass, and I never +could make it out, that's a fact. I hear what you say, but I cannot +promise to recollect it; I can only recollect South West and by West +three-quarters West." + +"I care only for your recollecting me; if you do that, you may forget +all the rest. Now you see we South Wests are summer winds, and are +seldom required but in this season; I have often blown over your ship +these last three months, and I always have lingered near you, for I +loved you." + +"Thank you--now go on, for seven bells have struck sometime, and I shall +be going to turn in. Is your watch out?" + +"No, I shall blow for some hours longer. Why will you leave me--why +wo'n't you stay on deck with me?" + +"What, stay on deck after my watch is out! No, if I do, blow me! We +midshipmen never do that--but I say, why can't you come down with me, +and turn in my hammock; it's close to the hatchway, and you can easily +do it." + +"Well, I will, upon one promise. You say that you love me, now I'm very +jealous, for we winds are always supplanting one another. Promise me +that you will never mention any other wind in the compass but me, for if +you do, they may come to you, and if I hear of it I'll blow the masts +out of your ship, that I will." + +"You don't say so?" replied Jack, surveying her fragile, trembling form. + +"Yes, I will, and on a lee shore too; so that the ship shall go to +pieces on the rocks, and the Admiral and every soul on board her be +drowned." + +"No, you wouldn't, would you?" said our hero, astonished. + +"Not if you promise me. Then I'll come to you and pour down your +windsails, and dry your washed clothes as they hang on the rigging, and +just ripple the waves as you glide along, and hang upon the lips of my +dear love, and press him in my arms. Promise me, then, on no account +ever to recollect or mention any other wind but me." + +"Well, I think I may promise that," replied Jack, "I'm very clever at +forgetting; and then you'll come to my hammock, won't you, and sleep +with me? you'll be a nice cool bedfellow these warm nights." + +"I can't sleep on my watch as midshipmen do; but I'll watch you while +you sleep, and I'll fan your cheeks, and keep you cool and comfortable, +till I'm relieved." + +"And when you go, when will you come again?" + +"That I cannot tell--when I'm summoned; and I shall wait with +impatience, that you may be sure of." + +"There's eight bells," said Jack, starting up; "I must go down and call +the officer of the middle watch; but I'll soon turn in, for my relief is +not so big as myself, and I can thrash him." + +Littlebrain was as good as his word; he cut down his relief; and then +thrashed him for venturing to expostulate. The consequence was, that in +ten minutes he was in his hammock, and "South West and by West +three-quarters West" came gently down the hatchway, and rested in his +arms. Jack soon fell fast asleep, and when he was wakened up the next +morning by the quarter-master, his bedfellow was no longer there. A +mate inquiring how the wind was, was answered by the quartermaster that +they had a fresh breeze from the North North West, by which Jack +understood that his sweetheart was no longer on duty. + +Our hero had passed such a happy night with his soft and kind companion, +that he could think of nothing else; he longed for her to come again, +and, to the surprise of everybody, was now perpetually making inquiries +as to the wind which blew. He thought of her continually; and in fact +was as much in love with "South West and by West three-quarters West" as +he possibly could be. She came again--once more did he enjoy her +delightful company; again she slept with him in his hammock, and then, +after a short stay, she was relieved by another. + +We do not intend to accuse the wind of inconstancy, as that was not her +fault; nor of treachery, for she loved dearly; nor of violence, for she +was all softness and mildness; but we do say, that "South West and by +West three-quarters West" was the occasion of Jack being very often in a +scrape, for our hero kept his word; he forgot all other winds, and, with +him, there was no other except his dear "South West and by West +three-quarters West." It must be admitted of Jack, that, at all events, +he showed great perseverance, for he stuck to his point. + +Our hero would argue with his messmates, for it is not those who are +most capable of arguing who are most fond of it; and, like all arguers +not very brilliant, he would flounder and diverge away right and left, +just as the flaws of ideas came into his head. + +"What nonsense it is your talking that way," would his opponent say; +"why don't you come to the point?" + +"And so I do," cried Jack. + +"Well, then, what is your point?" + +"South West and by West three-quarters West," replied our hero. + +Who could reply to this? But in every instance, and through every +difficulty, our hero kept his promise, until his uncle Sir Theophilus +was very undecided, whether he should send him home to be locked up in a +Lunatic Asylum, or bring him on in the service to the rank of +post-captain. Upon mature consideration, however, as a man in Bedlam is +a very useless member of society, and a tee-total non-productive, +whereas a captain in the navy is a responsible agent, the Admiral came +to the conclusion, that Littlebrain must follow up his destiny. + +At last, Jack was set down as the greatest fool in the ship, and was +pointed out as such. The ladies observed, that such might possibly be +the case, but at all events he was the handsomest young man in the +Mediterranean fleet. We believe that both parties were correct in their +assertions. + +Time flies--even a midshipman's time, which does not fly quite so fast +as his money--and the time came for Mr Littlebrain's examination. Sir +Theophilus, who now commanded the whole fleet, was almost in despair. +How was it possible that a man could navigate a ship, with only one +quarter point of the compass in his head? + +Sir Theophilus scratched his wig; and the disposition of the +Mediterranean fleet, so important to the country, was altered according +to the dispositions of the captains who commanded the ships. In those +days, there were martinets in the service; officers who never overlooked +an offence, or permitted the least deviation from strict duty; who were +generally hated, but at the same time were most valuable to the service. +As for his nephew passing his examination before any of those of the +first or second, or even of the third degree, the Admiral knew that it +was impossible. The consequence was, that one was sent away on a +mission to Genoa, about nothing; another to watch for vessels never +expected, off Sardinia; two more to cruise after a French frigate which +had never been built: and thus, by degrees, did the Admiral arrange, so +as obtain a set of officers sufficiently pliant to allow his nephew to +creep under the gate which barred his promotion, and which he never +could have vaulted over. So the signal was made--our hero went on +board--his uncle had not forgotten the propriety of a little _douceur_ +on the occasion; and, as the turkeys were all gone, three couple of +geese were sent in the same boat, as a present to each of the three +passing captains. Littlebrain's heart failed him as he pulled to the +ship; even the geese hissed at him, as much as to say, "If you were not +such a stupid ass, we might have been left alive in our coops." There +was a great deal of truth in that remark, if they did say so. + +Nothing could have been made more easy for Littlebrain than his +examination. The questions had all been arranged beforehand; and some +kind friend had given him all the answers written down. The passing +captains apparently suffered from the heat of the weather, and each had +his hand on his brow, looking down on the table at the time that +Littlebrain gave his answers, so that of course they did not observe +that he was reading them off. As soon as Littlebrain had given his +answer, and had had sufficient time to drop his paper under the table, +the captains felt better and looked up again. + +There were but eight questions for our hero to answer. Seven had been +satisfactorily got through; then came the eighth, a very simple +one:--"What is your course and distance from Ushant to the Start?" This +question having been duly put, the captains were again in deep +meditation, shrouding their eyes with the palms of their hands. + +Littlebrain had his answer--he looked at the paper. What could be more +simple than to reply?--and then the captains would have all risen up, +shaken him by the hand, complimented him upon the talent he had +displayed, sent their compliments to the commander-in-chief, and their +thanks for the geese. Jack was just answering, "North--" + +"Recollect your promise!" cried a soft voice, which Jack well +recollected. + +Jack stammered--the captains were mute--and waited patiently. + +"I must say it," muttered Jack. + +"You shan't," replied the little Wind. + +"Indeed I must," said Jack, "or I shall be turned back." + +The captains, surprised at this delay and the muttering of Jack, looked +up, and one of them gently inquired if Mr Littlebrain had not dropped +his handkerchief or something under the table! And then they again +fixed their eyes upon the green cloth. + +"If you dare, I'll never see you again," cried "South West and by West +three-quarters West,"--"never come to your hammock,--but I'll blow the +ship on shore, every soul shall be lost, Admiral and all; recollect your +promise!" + +"Then I shall never pass," replied Jack. + +"Do you think that any other point in the compass shall pass you except +me?--never! I am too jealous for that. Come now, dearest!" and the +Wind again deliciously trembled upon the lips of our hero, who could no +longer resist. + +"South West and by West three-quarters West," exclaimed Jack firmly. + +"You have made a slight mistake, Mr Littlebrain," said one of the +captains. "_Look_ again--I meant to say, _think again_." + +"South West and by West three-quarters West," again repeated Jack. + +"Dearest, how I love you!" whispered the soft Wind. + +"Why, Mr Littlebrain," said one of the captains--for Jack had actually +laid the paper down on the table--"what's in the wind now?" + +"She's obstinate," replied Jack. + +"You appear to be so, at all events," replied the captain. "Pray try +once more." + +"I have it!" thought Jack, who tore off the last answer from his paper. +"I gained five guineas by that plan once before." He then handed the +bit of paper to the passing captain: "I believe that's right, sir," said +our hero. + +"Yes, that is right; but could you not have said it instead of writing +it, Mr Littlebrain?" + +Jack made no reply; his little sweetheart pouted a little, but said +nothing; it was an evasion which she did not like. A few seconds of +consultation then took place, as a matter of form. Each captain asked +of the other if he was perfectly satisfied as to Mr Littlebrain's +capabilities, and the reply was in the affirmative; and they were +perfectly satisfied, that he was either a fool or a madman. However, as +we have had both in the service by way of precedent, Jack was added to +the list, and the next day was appointed lieutenant. + +Our hero did his duty as lieutenant of the forecastle; and as all the +duty of that officer is, when hailed from the quarterdeck, to answer, +"_Ay, ay, sir_," he got on without making many mistakes. And now he was +very happy; no one dared to call him a fool except his uncle; he had his +own cabin, and many was the time, that his dear little "South West and +by West three-quarters West" would come in by the scuttle, and nestle by +his side. + +"You won't see so much of me soon, dearest," said she one morning, +gravely. + +"Why not, my soft one?" replied Jack. + +"Don't you recollect that the winter months are coming on?" + +"So they are," replied Jack. "Well, I shall long for you back." + +And Jack did long, and long very much, for he loved his dear wind and +the fine weather which accompanied her. Winter came on and heavy gales +and rain, and thunder and lightning; nothing but double-reefed +top-sails, and wearing in succession; and our hero walked the +forecastle, and thought of his favourite wind. The North East winds +came down furiously, and the weather was bitter cold. The officers +shook the rain and spray off their garments when their watch was over, +and called for grog. + +"Steward, a glass of grog," cried one; "and let it be strong." + +"The same for me," said Jack; "only, I'll mix it myself." + +Jack poured out the rum till the tumbler was half full. + +"Why, Littlebrain," said his messmate, "that is a dose; that's what we +call a regular _Nor-wester_." + +"Is it?" replied Jack. "Well then, Nor-westers suit me exactly, and I +shall stick to them like cobblers' wax." + +And during the whole of the winter months our hero showed a great +predilection for Nor-westers. + +It was in the latter end of February that there was a heavy gale; it had +blown furiously from the northward for three days, and then it paused +and panted as if out of breath--no wonder! And then the wind shifted, +and shifted again, with squalls and heavy rain, until it blew from every +quarter of the compass. + +Our hero's watch was over, and he came down and called for a +"Nor-wester" as usual. + +"How is the wind now?" asked the first lieutenant the master, who came +down dripping wet. + +"South South West, but drawing now fast to the Westward," said old +Spunyarn. + +And so it was; and it veered round until "South West and by West +three-quarters _West_," with an angry gust, came down the sky-light, and +blowing strongly into our hero's ear, cried,-- + +"Oh, you false one!" + +"False!" exclaimed Jack. "What! you here, and so angry too? What's the +matter?" + +"What's the matter!--do you think I don't know? What have you been +doing over since I was away, comforting yourself during my absence with +_Nor-westers_?" + +"Why, you an't jealous of a Nor-wester, are you?" replied Littlebrain. +"I confess, I'm rather partial to them." + +"What! this to my face!--I'll never come again, without you promise me +that you will have nothing to do with them, and never call for one +again. Be quick--I cannot stay more than two minutes; for it is hard +work now, and we relieve quick--say the word." + +"Well, then," replied Littlebrain, "you've no objection to +_half-and-half_?" + +"None in the world; that's quite another thing, and has nothing to do +with the wind." + +"It has, though," thought Jack, "for it gets a man in the wind; but I +won't tell her so; and," continued he, "you don't mind a raw nip, do +you?" + +"No--I care for nothing except a Nor-wester." + +"I'll never call for one again," replied Jack; "it is but making my grog +a little stronger; in future it shall be _half-and-half_." + +"That's a dear! Now I'm off--don't forget me;" and away went the wind +in a great hurry. + +It was about three months after this short visit, the fleet being off +Corsica, that our hero was walking the deck, thinking that he soon +should see the object of his affections, when a privateer brig was +discovered at anchor a few miles from Bastia. The signal was made for +the boats of the fleet to cut her out; and the Admiral, wishing that his +nephew should distinguish himself somehow, gave him the command of one +of the finest boats. Now Jack was as brave as brave could be; he did +not know what danger was; he hadn't wit enough to perceive it, and there +was no doubt but he would distinguish himself. The boats went on the +service. Jack was the very first on board, cheering his men as he +darted into the closed ranks of his opponents. Whether it was that he +did not think that his head was worth defending, or that he was too busy +in breaking the heads of others to look after his own this is certain, +that a tomahawk descended upon it with such force as to bury itself in +his skull (and his was a thick skull too). The privateer's men were +overpowered by numbers, and then our hero was discovered, under a pile +of bodies, still breathing heavily. He was hoisted on board, and taken +into his uncle's cabin: the surgeon shook his head when he had examined +that of our hero. + +"It must have been a most tremendous blow," said he to the Admiral, "to +have penetrated--" + +"It must have been, indeed," replied the Admiral, as the tears rolled +down his cheeks; for he loved his nephew. + +The surgeon having done all that his art would enable him, left the +cabin to attend to the others who were hurt; the Admiral also went on +the quarter-deck, walking to and fro for an hour in a melancholy mood. +He returned to the cabin, and bent over his nephew; Jack opened his +eyes. + +"My dear fellow," said the Admiral, "how's your head now?" + +"_South West and by West three-quarters West_," faintly exclaimed our +hero, constant in death, as he turned a little on one side and expired. + +It was three days afterwards, as the fleet were on a wind, making for +Malta, that the bell of the ship tolled, and a body, sewed up in a +hammock and covered with the Union Jack, was carried to the gangway by +the Admiral's bargemen. It had been a dull cloudy day, with little +wind; the hands were turned up, the officers and men stood uncovered; +the Admiral in advance with his arms folded, as the chaplain read the +funeral service over the body of our hero,--and as the service +proceeded, the sails flapped, for the wind had shifted a little; a +motion was made, by the hand of the officer of the watch, to the man at +the helm to let the ship go off the wind, that the service might not be +disturbed, and a mizzling soft rain descended. The wind had shifted to +our hero's much loved _point_, his fond mistress had come to mourn over +the loss of her dearest, and the rain that descended were the tears +which she shed at the death of her handsome but not over-gifted lover. + + + +CHAPTER FORTY THREE. + +ILL-WILL. + +Dramatis Personae. + +MR CADAVEROUS, _An old miser, very rich and very ill_. + +EDWARD, _A young lawyer without a brief_. + +MR HAUSTUS GUMARABIC, _Apothecary_. + +SEEDY, _Solicitor_. + +THOMAS MONTAGUE, JOHN MONTAGUE, _Nephews to Mr Cadaverous_. + +JAMES STERLING, WILLIAM STERLING, _nephews twice removed to Mr +Cadaverous_. + +CLEMENTINA MONTAGU, _Niece to Mr Cadaverous_. + +Mrs JELLYBAGS, _Housekeeper and nurse_. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +ACT ONE. + +Scene.--_A sick room_.--Mr CADAVEROUS _in an easy chair asleep, +supported by cushions, wrapped up in his dressing-gown, a night-cap on +his head.--A small table with phials, gallipots, etcetera_.--Mrs +JELLYBAGS _seated on a chair close to the table_. + +[Mrs JELLYBAGS _looks at_ Mr CADAVEROUS, _and then comes forward_.] He +sleeps yet--the odious old miser! Mercy on me, how I do hate him,-- +almost as much as he loves his money! there's one comfort, he cannot +take his money-bags with him, and the doctor says that he cannot last +much longer. Ten years have I been his slave--ten years have I been +engaged to be married to Sergeant Major O'Callaghan of the Blues--ten +years has he kept me waiting at the porch of Hymen,--and what thousands +of couples have I seen enter during the time! Oh dear! its enough to +drive a widow mad. I think I have managed it;--he has now quarrelled +with all his relations, and Dr Gumarabic intends this day to suggest +the propriety of his making his last will and testament. (Mr +CADAVEROUS, _still asleep, coughs_.) He is waking, (_Looks at him_.) +No, he is not. Well, then, I shall wake him, and give him a draught, +for, after such a comfortable sleep as he is now in, he might last a +whole week longer. (_Goes up to_ Mr CADAVEROUS, _and shakes him_.) + +Mr CAD. (_starting up_.) Ugh ugh! ugh! (_coughs violently_.) Oh! +Mrs Jellybags, I'm so ill. Ugh! ugh! + +JEL. My dear, dear sir! now don't say so. I was in hopes, after such a +nice long sleep you would have found yourself so much better. + +CAD. Long sleep! oh dear!--I'm sure I've not slept ten minutes. + +JEL. (_aside_.) I know that. (_Aloud_.) Indeed, my dear sir, you are +mistaken. Time passes very quick when we are fast asleep. I have been +watching you and keeping the flies off. But you must now take your +draught, my dear sir, and your pill first. + +CAD. What! more pills and more draughts! Why, there's no end to them. + +JEL. Yes, there will be, by and by, my dear sir. You know Doctor +Gumarabic has ordered you take one pill and one draught every half hour. + +CAD. And so I have--never missed one for the last six weeks--woke up +for them day and night. I feel very weak--very weak, indeed! Don't you +think I might eat something, my dear Mrs Jellybags? + +JEL. Eat, my dear Mr Cadaverous!--how can you ask me, when you know +that Doctor Gumarabic says that it would be the death of you? + +CAD. Only the wing of a chicken,--or a bit of the breast-- + +JEL. Impossible! + +CAD. A bit of dry toast, then; any thing, my dear Mrs Jellybags. I've +such a gnawing--Ugh! ugh! + +JEL. My dear sir, you would die if you swallowed the least thing that's +nourishing. + +CAD. I'm sure I shall die if I do not. Well, then, a little soup--I +should like that very much indeed. + +JEL. Soup! it would be poison, my dear sir! No, no. You must take +your pill and your draught. + +CAD. Oh dear! oh dear!--Forty-eight pills and forty-eight draughts +every twenty-four hours!--not a wink of sleep day or night. + +JEL. (_soothingly_.) But it's to make you well, you know, my dear Mr +Cadaverous. Come, now. (_Hands him a pill and some water in a +tumbler_.) + +CAD. The last one is hardly down yet;--I feel it sticking half-way. +Ugh! ugh! + +JEL. Then wash them both down at once. Come, now, 'tis to make you +well, you know. + +CADAVEROUS _takes the pill with a wry face, and coughs it up again_. + +CAD. Ugh! ugh! There--it's up again. Oh dear! oh dear! + +JEL. You must take it, my dear sir. Come, now, try again. + +CAD. (_coughing_.) My cough is so bad. (_Takes the pill_.) Oh, my +poor head! Now I'll lie down again. + +JEL. Not yet, my dear Mr Cadaverous. You must take your draught;-- +it's to make you well, you know. + +CAD. What! another draught? I'm sure I must have twenty draughts in my +inside, besides two boxes of pills! + +JEL. Come, now--it will be down in a minute. + +[CADAVEROUS _takes the wine-glass in his hand, and looks at it with +abhorrence_.] + +JEL. Come, now. + +[CADAVEROUS _swallows the draught, and feels very sick, puts his +handkerchief to his mouth, and, after a time, sinks back in the chair +quite exhausted, and shuts his eyes_.] + +JEL. (_aside_.) I wish the doctor would come. It's high time that he +made his will. + +CAD. (_drawing up his leg_.) Oh! oh! oh! + +JEL. What's the matter, my dear Mr Cadaverous. + +CAD. Oh! such pain!--oh! rub it, Mrs Jellybags. + +JEL. What, here, my dear sir? (_Rubs his knee_.) + +CAD. No, no!--Not there!--Oh, my hip! + +JEL. What, here? (_Rubs his hip_.) + +CAD. No, no!--higher--higher! Oh, my side! + +JEL. What, here? (_Rubs his side_.) + +CAD. No!--lower! + +JEL. Here? (_Rubbing_.) + +CAD. No!--higher!--Oh, my chest!--my stomach! Oh dear!--oh dear! + +JEL. Are you better now, my dear sir? + +CAD. Oh dear! oh! I do believe that I shall die! I've been a very +wicked man, I'm afraid. + +JEL. Don't say so, Mr Cadaverous. Every one but your nephews and +nieces say that you are the best man in the world. + +CAD. Do they? I was afraid that I had not been quite so good as they +think I am. + +JEL. I'd like to hear any one say to the contrary. I'd tear their eyes +out,--that I would. + +CAD. You are a good woman, Mrs Jellybags; and I shall not forget you +in my will. + +JEL. Don't mention wills, my dear sir. You make me so miserable. +(_Puts her handkerchief to her eyes_.) + +CAD. Don't cry, Mrs Jellybags. I won't talk any more about it. +(_Sinks back exhausted_.) + +JEL. (_wiping her eyes_.) Here comes Dr Gumarabic. + +_Enter_ GUMARABIC. + +GUM. Good morning, Mistress Jellybags. Well, how's our patient?-- +better?--heh? + +[Mrs JELLYBAGS _shakes her head_.] + +GUM. No: well, that's odd. (_Goes up to_ Mr CADAVEROUS.) Not better, +my dear sir?--don't you feel stronger? + +CAD. (_faintly_.) Oh, no! + +GUM. Not stronger! Let us feel the pulse. [Mrs JELLYBAGS _hands a +chair, and_ GUMARABIC _sits down, pulls out his watch, and counts_.] +Intermittent--135--well, now--that's very odd! Mrs Jellybags, have you +adhered punctually to my prescriptions? + +JEL. Oh yes, sir, exactly. + +GUM. He has eaten nothing? + +CAD. Nothing at all. + +GUM. And don't feel stronger? Odd--very odd! Pray, has he had any +thing in the way of drink? Come, Mrs Jellybags, no disguise,--tell the +truth;--no soup--warm jelly--heh? + +JEL. No, sir; upon my word, he has had nothing. + +GUM. Humph?--and yet feels no stronger? Well, that's odd!--Has he +taken the pill every half-hour? + +JEL. Yes, sir, regularly. + +GUM. And feels no better! Are you sure that he has had his draught +with his pill? + +JEL. Every time, sir. + +GUM. And feels no better! Well, that's odd!--very odd, indeed! +(_Rises and comes forward with_ Mrs JELLYBAGS.) We must throw in some +more draughts, Mrs Jellybags; there is no time to be lost. + +JEL. I am afraid he's much worse, sir. + +GUM. I am not at all afraid of it, Mrs Jellybags,--I am sure of it;-- +it's very odd,--but the fact is, that all the physic in the world won't +save him; but still he must take it,--because--physic was made to be +taken. + +JEL. Very true, sir. (_Whispers to_ GUMARABIC.) + +GUM. Ah! yes;--very proper. (_Going to_ Mr CADAVEROUS.) My dear sir, +I have done my best; nevertheless, you are ill,--very ill,--which is +odd,--very odd! It is not pleasant,--I may say, very unpleasant,--but +if you have any little worldly affairs to settle,--will to make,--or a +codocil to add, in favour of your good nurse, your doctor, or so on,--it +might be as well to send for your lawyer;--there is no saying, but, +during my practice, I have sometimes found that people die. After all +the physic you have taken, it certainly is odd--very odd--very odd, +indeed;--but you might die to-morrow. + +CAD. Oh dear!--I'm very ill. + +JEL. (_sobbing_.) Oh dear! oh dear!--he's very ill. + +GUM. (_comes forward, shrugging up his shoulders_.) Yes; he is ill-- +very ill;--to-morrow, dead as mutton! At all events he has not died for +want of physic. We must throw in some more draughts immediately;--no +time to be lost. Life is short,--but my bill will be long--very long! + + [_Exit as scene closes_.] +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Act 2. + +SCENE 1.--_Enter_ CLEMENTINA, _with a letter in her hand_. + +CLEM. I have just received a letter from my dear Edward: he knows of my +uncle's danger, and is anxious to see me. I expect him immediately. I +hope he will not be seen by Mrs Jellybags as he comes in, for she would +try to make more mischief than than she has already. Dear Edward! how +he loves me! (_Kisses the letter_.) + +_Enter_ EDWARD. + +EDW. My lovely, my beautiful, my adored Clementina! I have called upon +Mr Gumarabic, who tells me that your uncle cannot live through the +twenty-four hours, and I have flown here, my sweetest, dearest, to--to-- + +CLEM. To see me, Edward: surely there needs no excuse for coming? + +EDW. To reiterate my ardent, pure, and unchangeable affection, my +dearest Clementina to assure you, that in sickness or in health, for +richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, as they say in the +marriage ceremony, I am yours till death us do part. + +CLEM. I accept the vow, dearest Edward. You know too well my heart for +me to say more. + +EDW. I do know your heart, Clementina, as it is,--nor do I think it +possible that you could change;--still, sometimes--that is for a moment +when I call to mind that, by your uncle's death, as his favourite niece, +living with him for so many years, you may soon find yourself in +possession of thousands,--and that titled men may lay their coronets at +your feet,--then, Clementina-- + +CLEM. Ungenerous and unkind!--Edward, I almost hate you. Is a little +money, then, to sway my affections? Shame, Edward, shame on you! Is +such your opinion of my constancy? (_Weeps_.) You must judge me by +your own heart. + +EDW. Clementina! dearest Clementina!--I did!--but rather--that is,--I +was not in earnest;--but when we value any object as I value you,--it +may be forgiven, if I feel at times a little jealous;--yes, dearest, +jealous! + +CLEM. 'Twas jealousy then, Edward, which made you so unkind? Well, +then, I can forgive that. + +EDW. Nothing but jealousy, dearest! I cannot help, at times, +representing you surrounded by noble admirers,--all of them suing to +you,--not for yourself, but for your money, tempting you with their +rank;--and it makes me jealous, horribly jealous! I cannot compete with +lords, Clementina,--a poor barrister without a brief. + +CLEM. I have loved you for yourself, Edward. I trust you have done the +same toward me. + +EDW. Yes; upon my soul, my Clementina! + +CLEM. Then my uncle's disposition of his property will make no +difference in me. For your sake, my dear Edward, I hope he will not +forget me. What's that? Mrs Jellybags is coming out of the room. +Haste, Edward;--you must not be seen here. Away, dearest!--and may God +bless you. + +EDW. (_kisses her hand_.) Heaven preserve my adored, my matchless, +ever-to-be-loved Clementina. + + [_Exeunt separately_.] +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +SCENE 2.--_The sick room_--Mr CADAVEROUS, _lying on sofa-bed_--Mr +SEEDY, _the lawyer, sitting by his side, with papers on the table before +him_. + +SEEDY. I believe now, sir, that every thing is arranged in your will +according to your instructions. Shall I read it over again; for +although signed and witnessed, you may make any alteration you please by +a codicil. + +CAD. No, no. You have read it twice, Mr Seedy, and you may leave me +now. I am ill, very ill, and wish to be alone. + +SEEDY (_folds up his papers and rises_.) I take my leave, Mr +Cadaverous, trusting to be long employed as your solicitor. + +CAD. Afraid not, Mr Seedy. Lawyers have no great interest in heaven. +Your being my solicitor will not help me there. + +SEEDY (_coming forward as he goes out_.) Not a sixpence to his legal +adviser! Well, well! I know how to make out a bill for the executors. + + [_Exit_ SEEDY, _and enter_ Mrs JELLYBAGS.] +JEL. (_with her handkerchief to her eyes_.) Oh dear! oh dear! oh, Mr +Cadaverous, how can you fatigue and annoy yourself with such things as +wills? + +CAD. (_faintly_.) Don't cry, Mrs Jellybags. I've not forgotten you. + +JEL. (_sobbing_.) I can't--help--crying. And there's Miss +Clementina,--now that you are dying,--who insists upon coming in to see +you. + +CAD. Clementina, my niece, let her come in, Mrs Jellybags; I feel I'm +going fast,--I may as well take leave of every body. + +JEL. (_sobbing_.) Oh dear! oh dear! You may come in, Miss. + +_Enter_ CLEMENTINA. + +CLEM. My dear uncle, why have you, for so many days, refused me +admittance? Every morning have I asked to be allowed to come and nurse +you, and for more than three weeks have received a positive refusal. + +CAD. Refusal! Why I never had a message from you. + +CLEM. No message! Every day I have sent, and every day did Mrs +Jellybags reply that you would not see me. + +CAD. (_faintly_.) Mrs Jellybags,--Mrs Jellybags-- + +CLEM. Yes, uncle; it is true as I stand here;--and my brother Thomas +has called almost every day, and John every Sunday, the only day he can +leave the banking-house; and cousins William and James have both been +here very often. + +CAD. Nobody told me! I thought every one had forgotten me. Why was I +not informed, Mrs Jellybags? + +JEL. (_in a rage_.) Why, you little, story-telling creature, coming +here to impose upon your good uncle! You know that no one has been +here--not a soul;--and as for yourself, you have been too busy looking +after a certain gentleman ever to think of your poor uncle;--that you +have;--taking advantage of his illness to behave in so indecorous a +manner. I would have told him every thing, but I was afraid of making +him worse. + +CLEM. You are a false, wicked woman! + +JEL. Little impudent creature,--trying to make mischief between me and +my kind master, but it won't do. (_To_ CLEMENTINA _aside_.) The will +is signed, and I'll take care he does not alter it;--so do your worst. + +CAD. (_faintly_.) Give me the mixture, Mrs -- + +CLEM. I will, dear uncle. (_Pours out the restorative mixture in a +glass_.) + +JEL. (_going back_.) You will, Miss,--indeed! but you shan't. + +CLEM. Be quiet, Mrs Jellybags;--allow me at least to do something for +my poor uncle. + +CLEM. Give me the mix-- + +JEL. (_prevents_ CLEMENTINA _from giving it, and tries to take it from +her_.) You shan't, Miss!--You never shall. + +CAD. Give me the -- + +[Mrs JELLYBAGS _and_ CLEMENTINA _scuffle, at last_ CLEMENTINA _throws +the contents of the glass into_ Mrs JELLYBAGS'S _face_.] + +CLEM. There, then!--since you will have it. + +JEL. (_in a rage_.) You little minx!--I'll be revenged for that. Wait +a little till the will is read,--that's all;--See if I don't bundle you +out of doors,--that I will. + +CLEM. As you please, Mrs Jellybags; but pray give my poor uncle his +restorative mixture. + +JEL. To please you?--Not I! I'll not give him a drop till I think +proper. Little, infamous, good-for-nothing-- + +CAD. Give me--oh! + +JEL. Saucy--man-seeking-- + +CLEM. Oh! as for that, Mrs Jellybags, the big sergeant was here last +night--I know that. Talk of men indeed! + +JEL. Very well, Miss!--very well! Stop till the breath is out of your +uncle's body--and I'll beat you till your's is also. + +CAD. Give--oh! + +CLEM. My poor uncle! He will have no help till I leave the room--I +must go. Infamous woman! _Exit_. + +CAD. Oh! + +JEL. I'm in such a rage!--I could tear her to pieces!--the little!--the +gnat! Oh, I'll be revenged! Stop till the will is read, and then I'll +turn her out into the streets to starve. Yes! yes! the will!--the will! +(_Pauses and pants for breath_.) Now, I recollect the old fellow +called for his mixture. I must go and get some mere. I'll teach her to +throw physic in my face. + +[_Goes out and returns with a phial--pours out a portion, and goes up +to_ Mr CADAVEROUS.] + +JEL. Here, my dear Mr Cadaverous. Mercy on me!--Mr Cadaverous!--why, +he's fainted!--Mr Cadaverous! (_Screams_.) Lord help us!--why, he's +dead! Well now, this sort of thing does give one a shock, even when one +has longed for it. Yes, he's quite dead! (_Coming forward_.) So, +there's an end of all his troubles--and, thank Heaven! of mine also. +Now for Sergeant-major O'Callaghan, and--love! Now for Miss Clementina, +and--revenge? But first the will!--the will! + +_Curtain drops_. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Act 3. + +MRS JELLYBAGS. + +Oh dear!--this is a very long morning. I feel such suspense--such +anxiety; and poor Sergeant-major O'Callaghan is quite in a perspiration! +He is drinking and smoking down in the kitchen to pass away the time, +and if the lawyer don't come soon, the dear man will be quite fuddled. +He talks of buying a farm in the country. Well, we shall see; but if +the Sergeant thinks that he will make ducks and drakes of my money, he +is mistaken. I have not been three times a widow for nothing--I will +have it all settled upon myself; that must and shall be, or else--no +Sergeant O'Callaghan for me! + +_Enter_ CLEMENTINA. + +So, here you are, Miss. We'll wait till the will is read, and then we +shall see who is mistress here. + +CLEM. I am as anxious as you, Mrs Jellybags. You may have wheedled my +poor uncle to make up the will in your favour; if so, depend upon it, I +shall expect nothing from your hands. + +JEL. I should rather think not, Miss. If I recollect right, you threw +the carminative mixture in my face. + +CLEM. And made you blush for the first time in your life. + +JEL. I shall not blush to slam the door in your face. + +CLEM. Rather than be indebted to you, I would beg my bread from door to +door. + +JEL. I expect that you very soon will. + +_Enter_ EDWARD. + +EDW. My dearest Clementina, I have come to support you on this trying +occasion. + +JEL. And ascertain how matters stand, before you decide upon marrying, +I presume, Mr Edward. + +EDW. Madam, I am above all pecuniary considerations. + +JEL. So everybody says, when they think themselves sure of money. + +EDW. You judge of others by yourself. + +JEL. Perhaps I do--I certainly do expect to be rewarded for my long and +faithful services. + +CLEM. Do not waste words upon her, my dear.--You have my solemn +promise; nothing shall change my feeling towards you. + +JEL. That may be; but did it never occur to you, Miss, that the +gentleman's feelings might alter? + +EDW. Detestable wretch! + +[_Hands_ CLEMENTINA _to a chair on the right, and sits by her. Enter +Nephews_ JOHN, THOMAS, WILLIAM, _and_ JAMES, _all with white +pocket-handkerchiefs in their hands--they take their seats two right and +two left_.] + +JEL. (_aside_.) Here they all come, like crows that smell carrion. +How odious is the selfishness of this world! But here is Mr Gumarabic. +How do you do, Sir? (_Curtsies with a grave air_.) + +GUM. Very well, I thank you, Mrs Jellybags. Can't say the--same of +all my patients. Just happened to pass by--thought I would step in and +hear the will read--odd, that I should pop in at the time--very odd. +Pray, may I ask, my dear Mrs Jellybags, were you present at the making +of the will? + +JEL. No, my dear sir; my nerves would not permit me. + +GUM. Nerves!--odd, very odd! Then you don't know how things are +settled? + +JEL. No more than the man in the moon, my dear sir. + +GUM. Man in the moon!--odd comparison that from a woman!--very odd! +Hope my chance won't prove all moonshine. + +JEL. I should think not, my dear sir; but here comes Mr Seedy, and we +shall know all about it. + +[_Enter_ Mr SEEDY--Mrs JELLYBAGS, _all courtesy, waves her hand to a +chair in the centre, with a table before it_. Mr SEEDY _sits down, +pulls the will out of his pocket, lays it on the table, takes out his +snuff-box, takes a pinch, then his handkerchief, blows his nose, snuffs +the candles, takes his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket, puts them +on, breaks the seals, and bows to the company_: Mrs JELLYBAGS _has +taken her seat on the left next to him, and_ Dr GUMARABIC _by her +side_. Mrs JELLYBAGS _sobs very loud, with her handkerchief to her +face_.] + +SEEDY. Silence, if you please. + +[Mrs JELLYBAGS _stops sobbing immediately_.] + +EDW. (_putting his arm round_ CLEMENTINA'S _waist_.) My dearest +Clementina! + +[Mr SEEDY _hems twice, and then reads_,--] + +"The last Will and Testament of Christopher Cadaverous, Gentleman, of +Copse horton, in the County of Cumberland. + +"I, Christopher Cadaverous, being at this time in sound mind, do hereby +make my last will and testament. + +"First, I pray that I may be forgiven all my manifold sins and +wickedness, and I do beg forgiveness of all those whom I may have +injured unintentionally or otherwise; and at the same time do pardon all +those who may have done me wrong, even to John Jones, the turnpike man, +who unjustly made me pay the threepenny toll twice over on Easter last, +when I went up to receive my dividends. + +"My property, personal and real, I devise to my two friends, Solomon +Lazarus, residing at Number 3, Lower Thames-street, and Hezekiah Flint, +residing at Number 16, Lothbury, to have and to hold for the following +uses and purposes:-- + +"First, to my dearly beloved niece, Clementina Montagu, I leave the sum +of one hundred and fifty pounds, three and a half per cent consols, for +her sole use and benefit, to be made over to her, both principal and +interest, on the day of her marriage." [EDWARD _withdraws his arm from_ +CLEMENTINA'S _waist--turns half round from her, and falls back in his +chair with a pish_!] + +"To my nephew, Thomas Montagu, I leave the sum of nineteen pounds +nineteen shilling and sixpence--having deducted the other sixpence to +avoid the legacy duty." + +[THOMAS _turns from the lawyer with his face to the front of the stage; +crossing his legs_.] + +"To my nephew, John Montagu, I leave also the sum of nineteen pounds +nineteen shillings and sixpence." + +[JOHN _turns away in the same manner_.] + +"To my nephew, once removed, James Stirling, I leave the sum of five +pounds to purchase a suit of mourning." + +[JAMES _turns away as the others_.] + +"To my nephew, once removed, William Stirling, I leave the sum of five +pounds to purchase a suit of mourning." + +[WILLIAM _turns away as the others_.] + +"To my kind and affectionate housekeeper, Mrs Martha Jellybags--" + +[Mrs JELLYBAGS _sobs loudly, and cries_ "Oh dear! Oh dear!"] + +Mr SEEDY. Silence, if you please. (_Reads_.) + +"In return for all her attention to me during my illness, and her ten +years' service, I leave the whole of my--" + +[Mr SEEDY _having come to the bottom of the page lays down the will, +takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, blows his nose, snuffs the +candles, and proceeds_.] + +"I leave the whole of my wardrobe, for her entire use and disposal; and +also my silver watch with my key and seal hanging to it. + +"And having thus provided for--" + +[Mrs JELLYBAGS, _who has been listening attentively, interrupts_ Mr +SEEDY _in great agitation_.] + +JEL. Will you be pleased to read that part over again? + +SEEDY. Certainly, ma'am. "I leave the whole of my wardrobe, and also +my silver watch, with the key and seal hanging to it." + +[Mrs JELLYBAGS _screams, and falls back in a swoon on her chair--no one +assists her_.] + +"And having thus provided for all my relations, I do hereby devise the +rest of my property to the said Solomon Lazarus and Hezekiah Flint, to +have and to hold for the building and endowment of an hospital for +diseases of the heart, lights, liver, and spleen, as set off by the +provisions in the schedule annexed to my will as part and codicil to +it." + +SEEDY. Would the relations like me to read the provisions? + +OMNES. No! no! no! + +[Mr SEEDY _is about to fold up the papers_.] + +GUM. I beg your pardon, sir, but is there no other codicil? + +SEEDY. I beg your pardon, Mr Gumarabic, I recollect now there is one +relative to you. + +GUM. (_nods his head_.) I thought so. + +[SEEDY _reads_.] + +"And whereas I consider that my apothecary, Mr Haustus Gumarabic, hath +sent in much unnecessary physic, during my long illness--it is my +earnest request that my executors will not fail to tax his bill." + +GUM. (_rises and comes forward_.) Tax my bill!--well that is odd, very +odd! I may as well go and look after my patients. [_Exit_.] + +[JAMES _and_ WILLIAM _come forward_.] + +JAMES. I say, Bill, how are you off for a suit of mourning? + +WILL. Thanky for nothing, Jem. If the old gentleman don't go to heaven +until I put it on, he will be in a very bad way. Come along, it's no +use staying here. + +[JOHN _and_ THOMAS _come forward_.] + +JOHN. I say, Tom, how are you off for nineteen pounds nineteen and six? +Heh! + +THOS. Let's toss and see which shall have both legacies. Here goes-- +heads or tails? + +JOHN. Woman for ever. + +THOS. You've won, so there's an end of not only my expectations but +realities. Come along, Mrs Jellybags must be anxious to look over her +wardrobe. + +JOHN. Yes, and also the silver watch and the key and seal hanging to +it. Good bye, Jemmy! Ha! ha! + + [_Exeunt, laughing_.] +CLEM. For shame, John. (_Turns to_ EDWARD.) My dear Edward, do not +appear so downcast. I acknowledge that I am myself much mortified and +disappointed--but we must submit to circumstances. What did I tell you +before this will was read?--that nothing could alter my feelings towards +you, did I not? + +EDW. (_with indifference_.) Yes. + +CLEM. Why then annoy yourself, my dear Edward? + +EDW. The confounded old junks! + +CLEM. Nay, Edward, recollect that he is dead--I can forgive him. + +EDW. But I won't. Has he not dashed my cup of bliss to the ground? +Heavens! what delightful anticipations I had formed of possessing you +and competence--all gone! + +CLEM. All gone, dear Edward? + +[Mrs JELLYBAGS, _who has been sitting very still, takes her +handkerchief from her eyes and listens_.] + +EDW. Yes, gone!--gone for ever! Do you imagine, my ever dear +Clementina, that I would be so base, so cruel, so regardless of you and +your welfare, to entrap you into marriage with only one hundred and +fifty pounds! No, no!--judge me better. I sacrifice myself--my +happiness--all for you!--banish myself from your dear presence, and +retire to pass the remainder of my existence in misery and regret, +maddened with the feeling that some happier mortal will obtain that dear +hand, and will rejoice in the possession of those charms which I had too +fondly, too credulously, imagined as certain to be mine. + +[_Takes out his handkerchief and covers his face_; CLEMENTINA _also puts +her handkerchief to her face and weeps_. Mrs JELLYBAGS _nods her head +ironically_.] + +CLEM. Edward! + +EDW. My dear, dear Clementina! + +CLEM. You won't have me? + +EDW. My honour forbids it. If you knew my feelings--how this poor +heart is racked! + +CLEM. Don't leave me, Edward. Did you not say that for richer or for +poorer, for better or for worse, you would be mine, till death did us +part? + +EDW. Did I! + +CLEM. You know you did, Edward. + +EDW. It's astonishing how much nonsense we talk when in love. My +dearest Clementina, let us be rational. We are almost without a +sixpence. There is an old adage, that when poverty comes in at the +door, love flies out of the window. Shall I then make you miserable! +No! no! Hear me, Clementina. I will be generous. I now absolve you +from all your vows. You are free. Should the time ever come that +prosperity shine upon me, and I find that I have sufficient for both of +us of that dross which I despise, then will I return, and, should my +Clementina not have entered into any other engagement, throw my fortune +and my person at her feet. Till then, dearest Clementina, farewell! + +CLEM. (_sinking into a chair sobbing_.) Cruel Edward! Oh, my heart +will break! + +EDW. I can bear it myself no longer. Farewell! farewell! [_Exit_.] + +JEL. (_coming forward_.) Well, this is some comfort.--(_To_ +CLEMENTINA.) Did I not tell you, Miss, that if you did not change your +mind, others might? + +CLEM. Leave me, leave me. + +JEL. No, I shan't; I have as good a right here as you, at all events. +I shall stay, Miss. + +CLEM. (_rising_.) Stay then--but I shall not. Oh, Edward! Edward! +[_Exit, weeping_.] + +JEL. (_alone_.) Well, I really thought I should have burst--to be +forced not to allow people to suppose that I cared, when I should like +to tear the old wretch out of his coffin to beat him. _His_ wardrobe! +If people knew his wardrobe as well as I do, who have been patching at +it these last ten years--not a shirt or a stocking that would fetch +sixpence! And as for his other garments, why a Jew would hardly put +them into his bag! (_Crying_.) Oh dear! oh dear! After all, I'm just +like Miss Clementina; for Sergeant O'Callaghan, when he knows all this, +will as surely walk off without beat of drum, as did Mr Edward--and +that too with all the money I have lent him. Oh these men! these men!-- +whether they are living or dying there is nothing in them but treachery +and disappointment! When they pretend to be in love, they only are +trying for your money; and even when they make their wills, they leave +to those behind them nothing but _ill-will_. + + [_Exit, crying, off the stage as the curtain falls_.] + + +CHAPTER FORTY FOUR. + +THE SKY-BLUE DOMINO. + +It was a flue autumnal evening; I had been walking with a friend until +dusk on the Piazza Grande, or principal square in the town of Lucca. We +had been conversing of England, our own country, from which I had then +banished myself for nearly four years, having taken up my residence in +Italy to fortify a weak constitution, and having remained there long +after it was requisite for my health from an attachment to its pure sky, +and the _dolce far niente_ which so wins upon you in that luxurious +climate. We had communicated to each other the contents of our +respective letters arrived by the last mail; had talked over politics, +great men, acquaintances, friends and kindred; and, tired of +conversation, had both sank into a pleasing reverie as we watched the +stars twinkling above us, when my friend rose hastily and bid me good +night. + +"Where are you going, Albert?" inquired I. + +"I had nearly forgotten I had an appointment this evening. I promised +to meet somebody at the Marquesa di Cesto's masquerade." + +"Pshaw! are you not tired of these things?" replied I; "that eternal +round of black masks and dominos of all colours; heavy harlequins, fools +and clowns by nature wearing their proper dresses there, and only in +masquerade when out of it; nuns who have no holiness in their ideas, +friars without a spice of religion, ugly Venuses, Dianas without +chastity, and Hebes as old as your grandmother." + +"All very true, Herbert, and life itself is masquerade enough; but the +fact is, that I have an appointment: it is of importance, and I must not +fail." + +"Well, I wish you more amusement than I have generally extracted from +these burlesque meetings," replied I. "Adieu, and may you be +successful!" And Albert hastened away. + +I remained another half hour reclining on the bench, and then returned +to my lodgings. My servant Antonio lighted the candle and withdrew. On +the table lay a note; it was an invitation from the Marquesa. I threw +it on one side and took up a book, one that required reflection and deep +examination; but the rattling of the wheels of the carriages as they +whirled along past my window would not permit me to command my +attention. I threw down the book; and taking a chair at the window, +watched the carriages full of masks as they rolled past, apparently so +eager in the pursuit of pleasure. I was in a cynical humour. What +fools, thought I, and yet what numbers will be there; there will be an +immense crowd; and what can be the assignation which Albert said was of +such consequence? Such was my reflection for the next ten minutes, +during which at least fifty carriages and other vehicles had passed in +review before me. + +And then I thought of the princely fortune of the Marquesa, the splendid +palazzo at which the masquerade was given, and the brilliant scene which +would take place. + +"The Grand Duke is to be there, and everybody of distinction in Lucca. +I have a great mind to go myself." + +A few minutes more elapsed. I felt that I was lonely, and I made up my +mind that I would go. I turned from the window and rang the bell. + +"Antonio, see if you can procure me a domino, a dark-coloured one if +possible; and tell Carlo to bring the carriage round as soon as he can." + +Antonio departed, and was away so long that the carriage was at the door +previous to his return. + +"Signor, I am sorry, very, very sorry; but I have run to every shop in +Lucca, and there is nothing left but a sky-blue domino, which I have +brought with me." + +"Sky-blue! why, there will not be two sky-blue dominos in the whole +masquerade: I might as well tell my name at once, I shall be so +conspicuous." + +"You are as well hidden under a sky-blue domino as a black one, Signor, +if you choose to keep your own secrets," observed Antonio. + +"Very true," replied I, "give me my mask." + +Enshrouding myself in the sky-blue domino, I went down the stairs, threw +myself into the carriage, and directed Carlo to drive to the palazzo of +the Marquesa. + +In half an hour we arrived at the entrance-gates of the Marquesa's +superb country seat. From these gates to the palazzo, a sweep of +several hundred yards, the avenue though which the driver passed was +loaded with variegated lamps, hanging in graceful festoons from branch +to branch; and the notes of music from the vast entrance-hall of the +palazzo floated through the still air. When I arrived at the area in +front of the flight of marble steps which formed the entrance of the +palazzo, I was astonished at the magnificence, the good taste, and the +total disregard of expense which were exhibited. The palazzo itself +appeared like the fabric built of diamonds and precious stones by the +genii who obeyed the ring and lamp of Aladdin, so completely was its +marble front hidden with a mass of many-coloured lamps, the reflection +from whose galaxy of light rendered it bright as day for nearly one +hundred yards around; various mottoes and transparencies were arranged +in the walks nearest to the palazzo; and then all was dark, rendered +still darker from the contrast with the flood of light which poured to a +certain distance from the scene of festivity. Groups of characters and +dominos were walking to and fro in every direction; most of them +retracing their steps when they arrived at the sombre walks and alleys, +some few pairs only continuing their route where no listeners were to be +expected. + +This is an animating scene, thought I, as the carriage stopped, and I am +not sorry that I have made one of the party. As soon as I had +descended, I walked up the flight of marble steps which led to the +spacious hall in which the major part of the company were collected. +The music had, for a moment, ceased to play; and finding that the +perfume of the exotics which decorated the hall was too powerful, I was +again descending the steps, when my hand was seized and warmly pressed +by one in a violet-coloured domino. + +"I am so glad that you are come; we were afraid that you would not. I +will see you again directly," said the domino; and it then fell back +into the crowd and disappeared. + +It immediately occurred to me that it was my friend Albert who spoke to +me. "Very odd," thought I, "that he should have found me out!" And +again I fell into the absurdity of imagining that because I had put on a +conspicuous domino, I was sure to be recognised. "What can he want with +me? We must be in some difficulty, some unexpected one, that is +certain." Such were my reflections as I slowly descended the steps, +occasionally pausing for a moment on one, as I was lost in conjecture, +when I was again arrested by a slight slap on the shoulder. I looked +round: it was a female; and although she wore her half-mask, it was +evident that she was young, and I felt convinced that she was beautiful. + +"Not a word," whispered she, putting her finger to her lip; "follow me." +Of course I followed: who could resist such a challenge? + +"You are late," said the incognito, when we had walked so far away from +the palazzo as to be out of hearing of the crowd. + +"I did not make up my mind to come until an hour ago," replied I. + +"I was so afraid that you would not come. Albert was sure that you +would, he was right. He told me just now that he had spoken to you." + +"What! was that Albert in the rose-coloured domino?" + +"Yes; but I dare not stay now--my father will be looking for me. Albert +is keeping him in conversation. In half an hour he will speak to you +again. Has he explained to you what has occurred?" + +"Not one word." + +"If he has not had time--and I doubt if he will have, as he must attend +to the preparations--I will write a few lines, if I can, and explain, or +at least tell you what to do; but I am so harassed, so frightened! We +do indeed require your assistance. Adieu!" So saying, the fair unknown +tripped hastily away. + +"What the deuce is all this?" muttered I, as I watched her retreating +figure. "Albert said that he had an appointment, but he did not make me +his confidant. It appears that something which has occurred this night +occasions him to require my assistance. Well, I will not fail him." + +For about half an hour I sauntered up and down between the lines of +orange-trees which were dressed up with variegated lamps, and shed their +powerful fragrance in the air: I ruminated upon what might be my +friend's intentions, and what might be the result of an intrigue carried +on in a country where the stiletto follows Love so close through all the +mazes of his labyrinth, when I was again accosted by the violet-coloured +domino. + +"Hist!" whispered he, looking carefully round as he thrust a paper into +my hand; "read this after I leave you. In one hour from this be you on +this spot. Are you armed?" + +"No," replied I; "but Albert--" + +"You may not need it; but nevertheless take this,--I cannot wait." So +saying, he put a stiletto into my hand, and again made a hasty retreat. + +It had been my intention to have asked Albert what was his plan, and +further why he did not speak English instead of Italian, as he would +have been less liable to be understood if overheard by eavesdroppers; +but a little reflection told me that he was right in speaking Italian, +as the English language overheard would have betrayed him, or at least +have identified him as a foreigner. + +"A very mysterious affair this!" thought I; "but, however, this paper +will, I presume, explain the business. That there is a danger in it is +evident, or he would not have given me this weapon;" and I turned the +stiletto once or twice to the light of the lamp next to me, examining +its blade, when, looking up, I perceived a black domino standing before +me. + +"It is sharp enough, I warrant," said the domino; "you have but to +strike home. I have been waiting for you in the next walk, which I +thought was to be our rendezvous. Here is a paper which you will fasten +to his dress. I will contrive that he shall be here in an hour hence by +a pretended message. After his death you will put this packet into his +bosom;--you understand. Fail not: remember the one thousand sequins; +and here is my ring, which I will redeem as soon as your work is done. +The others will soon be here. The pass-word is `Milano.' But I must +not be seen here. Why a sky-blue domino? it is too conspicuous for +escape;" and as I received from him the packet and ring, the black +domino retreated through the orange grove which encircled us. + +I was lost in amazement: there I stood with my hands full--two papers, a +packet, a stiletto, and a diamond ring! + +"Well," thought I, "this time I am most assuredly taken for somebody +else--for a bravo I am not. There is some foul work going on, which +perhaps I may prevent." + +"But why a sky-blue domino?" said he. + +I may well ask the same question. "Why the deuce did I come here in a +sky-blue domino, or any domino at all?" + +I put the ring on my finger, the stiletto and packet in my bosom, and +then hastened away to the garden on the other side of the palazzo, that +I might read the mysterious communication put into my hands by my friend +Albert; and as I walked on, my love for admiration led me away so as to +find myself pleased with the mystery and danger attending upon the +affair; and feeling secure, now that I had a stiletto in my bosom for my +defence, I resolved that I would go right through it until the whole +affair should be unravelled. + +I walked on till I had gained the last lamp on the other side of the +palazzo. I held up to its light the mysterious paper: it was in +Italian, and in a woman's handwriting. + + "We have determined upon flight, as we cannot hope for safety here, + surrounded as we are by stilettoes on every side. We feel sure of + pardon as soon as the papers which Albert received by this day's mail, + and which he will entrust to you when you meet again, are placed in my + father's hands. We must have your assistance in removing our + treasure. Our horses are all ready, and a few hours will put us in + safety; but we must look to you for following us in your carriage, and + conveying for me what would prove so great an incumbrance to our + necessary speed. When Albert sees you again, he will be able to tell + you where it is deposited. Follow us quick, and you will always have + the gratitude of-- + + "VIOLA. + + "PS. I write in great haste, as I cannot leave my father's side for a + moment without his seeking for me." + +"What can all this mean? Albert told me of no papers by this day's +mail. Viola! I never heard him mention such a name. He said to me, +`Read this, and all will be explained.' I'll be hanged if I am not as +much in the dark as ever! Follow them in my carriage with the +treasure--never says where! I presume he is about to run off with some +rich heiress. Confound this sky-blue domino! Here I am with two +papers, a packet, a stiletto, and a ring; I am to receive another +packet, and am to convey treasure. Well, it must solve itself--I will +back to my post; but first let me see what is in this paper which I am +to affix upon the man's dress after I have killed him." I held it up to +the light, and read, in capital letters, "The reward of a traitor!" +"Short and pithy," muttered I, as I replaced it in my pocket: "now I'll +back to the place of assignation, for the hour must be nearly expired." + +As I retraced my steps, I again reverted to the communication of +Viola--"Surrounded as we are by stilettoes on every side!" Why, surely +Albert cannot be the person that I am required by the black domino to +despatch; and yet it may be so--and others are to join me here before +the hour is passed. A thought struck me: whoever the party might be +whose life was to be taken, whether Albert or another, I could save him. + +My reverie was again broken by a tap on the shoulder. + +"Am I right? What is the pass-word?" + +"Milano!" replied I, in a whisper. + +"All's right, then--Giacomo and Tomaso are close by--I will fetch them." + +The man turned away, and in a minute re-appeared with two others, +bending as they forced their way under the orange-trees. + +"Here we all are, Felippo," whispered the first. "_He_ is to be here in +a few minutes." + +"Hush!" replied I, in a whisper, and holding up to them the brilliant +ring which sparkled on my finger. + +"Ah, Signor, I cry your mercy," replied the man, in a low voice; "I +thought it was Felippo." + +"Not so loud," replied I, still in a whisper. "All is discovered, and +Felippo is arrested. You must away immediately. You shall hear from me +to-morrow." + +"Corpo di Bacco! Where, Signor? at the old place?" + +"Yes away--now, and save yourselves." + +In a few seconds the desperate men disappeared among the trees, and I +was left alone. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +"Slaves of the Ring, you have done my bidding at all events, this time," +thought I, and I looked at the ring more attentively. It was a splendid +solitaire diamond, worth many hundred crowns. "Will you ever find your +way back to our lawful owner?" was the question in my mind when Albert +made his appearance in his violet-coloured domino. + +"'Twas imprudent of you to send me the paper by the black domino," said +he, hastily. "Did I not tell you that I would be here in an hour? We +have not a moment to spare. Follow me quickly, and be silent." + +I followed--the paper which Albert referred to needed no explanation; it +was, indeed, the only part of the whole affair which I comprehended. He +led the way to about three hundred yards of the path through the wood. + +"There," said he, "in that narrow avenue, you will find my faithful +negro with his charge. He will not deliver it up without you show him +this ring." And Albert put a ring upon my finger. + +"But, Albert,"--my mind misgave me--Albert never had a faithful negro to +my knowledge; it must be some other person who had mistaken me for his +friend,--"I am afraid," continued I-- + +"Afraid!--let me not hear you say that. You never yet knew fear," said +he, interrupting me. "What have you to fear between this and Pisa? +Your own horses will take you there in three hours. But here's the +packet, which you must deliver yourself. Now that you know where the +negro is, return to the palazzo, deliver it into his own hands, +requesting his immediate perusal. After that do not wait a moment, but +hasten here to your charge. While the Grand Duke is reading it I will +escape with Viola." + +"I really cannot understand all this," said I, taking the packet. + +"All will be explained when we meet at Pisa. Away, now; to the Grand +Duke--I will go to the negro and prepare him for your coming." + +"But allow me--" + +"Not a word more, if you love me," replied the violet-coloured domino, +who, I was now convinced, was not Albert; it was not his voice--there +was a mystery and a mistake; but I had become so implicated that I felt +I could not retreat without sacrificing the parties, whoever they might +be. + +"Well," said I, as I turned back to the palazzo, "I must go on now; for, +as a gentleman and man of honour, I cannot refuse. I will give the +packet to the Grand Duke, and I will also convey his treasure to Pisa, +Confound this sky-blue domino!" + +As I returned to the palazzo, I was accosted by the black domino. + +"Milano!" replied I. + +"Is all right, Felippo?" said he, in a whisper. + +"All is right, Signor," was my answer. + +"Where is he?" + +I pointed with my finger to a clump of orange-trees. + +"And the paper and packet?" + +I nodded my head. + +"Then you had better away--I will see you to-morrow." + +"At the old place, Signor?" + +"Yes," replied the black domino, cutting into a cross-path, and +disappearing. + +I arrived at the palazzo, mounted the steps, forced my way through the +crowd, and perceived the Grand Duke in an inner saloon, the lady who had +accosted me leaning on his arm. It then occurred to me that the Grand +Duke had an only daughter, whose name was Viola. I entered the saloon, +which was not crowded, and walking boldly up to the Grand Duke, +presented the packet, requesting that his Highness would give it his +immediate attention. I then bowed, and hastened away, once more passed +through the thronged hall, and gained the marble steps of the palazzo. + +"Have you given it?" said a low voice close to me. + +"I have," replied I; "but, Signor--" + +"Not a word, Carlo: hasten to the wood, if you love me." And the +violet-coloured domino forced his way into the crown which filled the +hall. + +"Now for my journey to Pisa," said I. "Here I am, implicated in high +treason, perhaps, in consequence of my putting on a sky-blue domino. +Well, there's no help for it." + +In a few minutes I had gained the narrow avenue, and having pursued it +about fifty yards, perceived the glaring eyes of the crouched negro. By +the starlight, I could just distinguish that he had a basket, or +something like one, before him. + +"What do you come for, Signor?" said the negro, rising on his feet. + +"For what has been placed under your charge; here is the ring of your +master." + +The negro put his fingers to the ring and felt it, that he might +recognise it by its size and shape. + +"Here it is, Signor," said he, lifting up the basket gently, and putting +it into my arms. It was not heavy, although somewhat cumbrous from its +size. + +"Hark! Signor, there is confusion in the palazzo. You must be quick, +and I must not be seen with you." And away darted the negro like +lightning through the bushes. + +I also hastened away with the basket (contents unknown), for it appeared +to me that affairs were coming to a crisis. I heard people running +different ways, and voices approaching me. When I emerged from the +narrow avenue, I perceived several figures coming down the dark walk at +a rapid pace, and, seized with a sort of panic, I took to my heels. I +soon found that they were in pursuit, and I increased my speed. In the +gloom of the night, I unfortunately tripped over a stone, and fell with +the basket to the ground; and then the screams from within informed me +that the treasure intrusted to my safe keeping was a child. Fearful +that it was hurt, and forgetting, for the time, the danger of being +captured, I opened the lid, and examined its limbs, while I tried to +pacify it; and while I was sitting down in my sky-blue domino, thus +occupied in hushing a baby, I was seized by both shoulders, and found +myself a prisoner. + +"What is the meaning of this rudeness, Signors?" said I, hardly knowing +what to say. + +"You are arrested by order of the Grand Duke," was the reply. + +"I am arrested!--why?--I am an Englishman!" + +"That makes no difference; the orders are to arrest all found in the +garden in sky-blue dominos." + +"Confound the sky-blue domino!" thought I, for the twentieth time at +least. "Well, Signora, I will attend you; but first let me try to +pacify this poor frightened infant." + +"Strange that he should be found running away with a child at the same +time that the Lady Viola has disappeared!" observed one of my captors. + +"You are right, Signora," replied I; "it is very strange; and what is +more strange is, that I can no more explain it than you can. I am now +ready to accompany you. Oblige me by one of you carrying the basket +while I take care of the infant." + +In a few minutes we had arrived at the palazzo. I had retained my mask, +and I was conducted through the crowd into the saloon into which I had +previously entered when I delivered the packet to the Grand Duke. + +"There he is! there he is!" was buzzed through the crowd in the hall. +"Holy Virgin! he has a child in his arms! _Bambino bellissimo_!" Such +were the exclamations of wonder and surprise as they made a lane for my +passage, and I was in the presence of the Grand Duke, who appeared to be +in a state of great excitement. + +"It is the same person!" exclaimed the Duke. "Confess! are you not the +party who put a packet into my hands about a quarter of an hour since?" + +"I am the person, your Highness," replied I, as I patted and soothed the +frightened child. + +"Who gave it you?" + +"May it please your Highness, I do not know." + +"What child is that?" + +"May it please your Highness, I do not know." + +"Where did you get it?" + +"Out of that basket, your Highness." + +"Who gave you the basket?" + +"May it please your Highness, I do not know." + +"You are trifling with me. Let him be searched." + +"May it please your Highness, I will save them that trouble, if one of +the ladies will take the infant. I have received a great many presents +this evening, all of which I will have the honour of displaying before +your Highness." + +One of the ladies held out her arms to the infant, who immediately bent +from mine toward her, naturally clinging to the other sex as its friend +in distress. + +"In the first place, your Highness, I have this evening received this +ring," taking off my finger the one given by the party in a +violet-coloured domino, and presenting it to him. + +"And from whom?" said his Highness, instantly recognising the ring. + +"May it please your Highness, I do not know. I have also received +another ring, your Highness," continued I, taking off the ring given me +by the black domino. + +"And who gave you this?" interrogated the Duke, again evidently +recognising it. + +"May it please your Highness, I do not know. Also, this stiletto, but +from whom, I must again repeat, I do not know. Also, this packet, with +directions to put it into a dead man's bosom." + +"And you are, I presume, equally ignorant of the party who gave it to +you?" + +"Equally so, your Highness; as ignorant as I am of the party who desired +me to present you with the other packet which I delivered. Here is also +a paper I was desired to pin upon a man's clothes after I had +assassinated him." + +"Indeed!--and to this, also, you plead total ignorance?" + +"I have but one answer to give to all, your Highness, which is, I do not +know." + +"Perhaps, Sir, you do not know your own name or profession," observed +his Highness, with a sneer. + +"Yes, your Highness," replied I, taking off my mask, "that I do know. I +am an Englishman, and, I trust, a gentleman, and a man of honour. My +name is Herbert; and I have more than once had the honour to be a guest +at your Highness's entertainments." + +"Signor, I recognise you," replied the Grand Duke. "Let the room be +cleared--I must speak with this gentleman alone." + +When the company had quitted the saloon, I entered into a minute detail +of the events of the evening, to which his Highness paid the greatest +attention; and when I had finished, the whole mystery was unravelled to +me by him, and with which I will now satisfy the curiosity of my +readers. + +The Grand Duke had one daughter, by name Viola, whom he had wished to +marry to Rodolph, Count of Istria; but Viola had met with Albert, +Marquis of Salerno, and a mutual attachment had ensued. Although the +Grand Duke would not force his daughter's wishes and oblige her to marry +Count Rodolph, at the same time he would not consent to her espousals +with the Marquis Albert. Count Rodolph had discovered the intimacy +between Viola and the Marquis of Salerno, and had made more than one +unsuccessful attempt to get rid of his rival by assassination. After +some time, a private marriage with the marquis had been consented to by +Viola; and a year afterwards the Lady Viola retired to the country, and +without the knowledge, or even suspicions, of her father, had given +birth to a male child, which had been passed off as the offspring of one +of the ladies of the court who was married, and to whom the secret had +been confided. + +At this period the secret societies, especially the _Carbonari_, had +become formidable in Italy, and all the crowned heads and reigning +princes were using every exertion to suppress them. Count Rodolph was +at the head of these societies, having joined them to increase his +power, and to have at his disposal the means of getting rid of his +rival. Of this the Marquis of Salerno had received intimation, and for +some time had been trying to obtain proof against the count; for he knew +that if once it was proved, Count Rodolph would never be again permitted +to appear in the state of Lucca. On the other hand, Count Rodolph had +been making every arrangement to get rid of his rival, and had +determined that it should be effected at this masquerade. + +The Marquis of Salerno had notice given him of this intention, and also +had on that morning obtained the proof against Count Rodolph, which he +was now determined to forward to the Grand Duke; but, aware that his +assassination by the _Carbonari_ was to be attempted, and also that the +wrath of the Grand Duke would be excessive when he was informed of their +private marriage, he resolved to fly with his wife to Pisa, trusting +that the proofs of Count Rodolph being connected with the _Carbonari_, +and a little time, would soften down the Grand Duke's anger. The +marquis had arranged that he should escape from the Duke's dominions on +the night of the masquerade, as it would be much easier for his wife to +accompany him from thence than from the Grand Duke's palace, which was +well guarded; but it was necessary that they should travel on horseback, +and they could not take their child with them. Viola would not consent +that it should be left behind; and on this emergency he had written to +his friend, the Count d'Ossore, to come to their assistance at the +masquerade, and, that they might recognise him, to wear a sky-blue +domino, a colour but seldom put on. The Count d'Ossore had that morning +left his town mansion on a hunting excursion, and did not receive the +letter, of which the Marquis and Viola were ignorant. Such was the +state of affairs at the time that I put on the sky-blue domino to go to +the masquerade. + +My first meeting with the marquis in his violet-coloured domino is +easily understood: being in a sky-blue domino I was mistaken for the +Count d'Ossore. I was myself led into the mistake by the Marquis Albert +having the same Christian name as my English friend. The second meeting +with the Count Rodolph, in the black domino, was accidental. The next +walk had been appointed as the place of meeting with the _Carbonari_ +Felippo and his companions; but Count Rodolph, perceiving me examining +my stiletto by the light of the lamp, presumed that I was Felippo, and +that I had mistaken the one path for the other which had been agreed +upon. The papers given to me by Count Rodolph were _Carbonari_ papers, +which were to be hid in the marquis's bosom after he had been +assassinated, to make it appear that he had belonged I to that society, +and by the paper affixed to his clothes, that he had been murdered by +the agents of the society for having betrayed them. The papers which +the marquis had requested me to give to the Grand Duke were the proofs +of Count Rodolph's belonging to the secret society; and with the papers +was enclosed a letter to the Grand Duke, in which they I acknowledged +their secret union. And now, I believe, the reader will comprehend the +whole of this mysterious affair. + +After all had been explained, I ventured to ask his Highness if he would +permit me to fulfil my promise of taking the child to its mother, as I +considered it a point of honour that I should keep my engagement, the +more so, as the delay would occasion the greatest distress to his +daughter; and I ventured to add, that I trusted his Highness would +pardon what could not now be remedied, and that I should have the +satisfaction of being the bearer of such pleasing intelligence to his +daughter and the marquis. + +The Grand Duke paced the room for a minute, and then replied, "Signor +Herbert, I feel so disgusted with the treachery and baseness of Count +Rodolph, that I hardly need observe, if my daughter were free he never +should espouse her; indeed, he will have immediate orders to quit the +state. You have been instrumental in preserving the life of the Marquis +of Salerno, who is my son-in-law, and as matters now stand, I am +indebted to you. Your dismissal of the bravoes, by means of the count's +ring, was a masterly stroke. You shall have the pleasure of taking my +forgiveness to my daughter and her husband; but as for the child, it may +as well remain here. Tell Viola I retain it as a hostage for the quick +return of its mother." + +I took my leave of his Highness, and hastened to Pisa, where I soon +found out the retreat of the marquis and his wife. I sent up my name, +requesting immediate admittance, as having a message from the Grand +Duke. I found them in great distress. The Count d'Ossore had returned +late on the night of the masquerade, found the letter, hastened to the +Marquesa de Cesto's, and had arrived just after the elopement had been +discovered. He immediately followed them to Pisa, when an explanation +took place, and they discovered that they had been communicating with +some unknown person, by whom they had, in all probability, been +betrayed. + +It would be difficult to portray their astonishment and joy when I +entered into a detail of what had occurred, and wound up with the +message from the Grand Duke; and I hardly need add, now that I wind up +my story, that the proofs of gratitude I received from the marquis and +his wife, during my subsequent residence in Italy, left me no occasion +to repent that I had gone to the masquerade of the Marquesa de Cesto, in +a SKY-BLUE DOMINO. + +THE END. + + + +CHAPTER FORTY FIVE. + +MODERN TOWN HOUSES. + +I have often thought, when you consider the difference of comfort +between houses built from sixty to a hundred years back, in comparison +with the modern edifices, that the cry of the magician in "Aladdin," had +he called out "new houses," instead of "new lamps," for old ones, would +not have appeared so very absurd. It was my good fortune, for the major +part of my life, to occupy an ancient house, built, I believe, in the +reign of Queen Elizabeth. My father lived in it before I was in +existence: I was born in it, and it was bequeathed to me. It has since +been my misfortune to have lived three years in one of the modern-built +houses; and although I have had my share of the ills to which we all are +heir, I must date my real unhappiness from the first month after I took +possession. With your permission, I will enter into my history, as it +may prove a warning to others, who will not remember the old proverb of +"_Let well alone_." + +I am a married man, with six children; my three eldest are daughters, +and have now quitted a school, near Portman-Square, to which my wife +insisted upon my sending them, as it was renowned for finishing young +ladies. Until their return to domiciliate themselves under my roof, I +never heard a complaint of my house, which was situated at Brompton. It +was large, airy, and comfortable, with excellent shrubberies, and a few +acres of land; and I possessed every comfort and even luxury which could +be rationally required, my wife and daughters having their carriage, and +in every respect my establishment being that of a gentleman. + +I had not, however, taken my daughters from school more than two months, +before I was told that we were "living out of the world," although not a +mile and a half from Hyde Park Corner; and, to my surprise, my wife +joined in the cry; it was always from morn to night, "We might do this +but, we cannot do this because, we are quite out of the world." It was +too far to dine out in town; too far for people to come and dine with +us; too far to go to the play, or the opera; too far to drive in the +park; too far even to walk in Kensington Gardens. I remonstrated, that +we had managed to dine out, to receive visitors, and to enjoy all other +amusements very well for a considerable number of years, and that it did +not appear to me that Brompton had walked away from London, on the +contrary, that London was making rapid advances towards Brompton; but it +would not do,--all day the phrase rang in my ears, "out of the world," +until I almost began to wish that I was out too. But it is no use +having the best of an argument when opposed to women. I had my choice, +either to give up my house, and take another in London, or to give up my +peace. With an unwilling sigh, I at last consented to leave a place +dear to me, from long association and many reminiscences; and it was +arranged that Brompton Hall was to be let, or sold, and that we were to +look out immediately for a house in some of the squares in the +metropolis. If my wife and daughters found that the distance from +London was too far for other purposes, at all events it was not too far +for house-hunting. They were at it incessantly week after week; and, at +last, they fixed upon one in the neighbourhood of Belgrave-Square, +which, as they repeated, possessed all the cheerfulness and fresh air of +the country, all the advantages of a town residence. The next day I was +to be dragged to see it, and give my opinion; at the same time, from the +commendations bestowed upon it previous to my going, I felt assured that +I was expected to give their opinion, and not my own. + +The next day, accordingly, we repaired thither, setting off immediately +after breakfast, to meet the surveyor and builder, who was to be on the +spot. The house in question was one of a row just building, or built, +whitened outside, in imitation of stone. It was Number 2. Number 1 was +finished; but the windows still stained with the drippings of the +whitewash and colouring. Number 2, the one in question, was complete; +and, as the builder asserted, ready for immediate occupation. Number 3 +was not so far advanced. As for the others, they were at present +nothing but carcasses, without even the front steps built to them; and +you entered them by a drawbridge of planks. + +The builder stood at the front door, and bowed most respectfully. +"Why," observed I, looking at the piles of mortar, lime, and bricks, +standing about in all directions, "we shall be smothered with dust and +lime for the next two years." + +"Don't be alarmed, sir," replied the builder; "every house in the row +will be finished before the winter. We really cannot attend to the +applications for them." + +We entered the house. + +"Is not the entrance handsome?" observed my wife; "so neat and clean." + +To this I had not a reply to make; it certainly did look neat and clean. + +We went into the dining-room. "What a nice room," exclaimed my eldest +daughter. "How many can we dine in this room?" + +"Um!" replied I; "about twelve, I suppose, comfortably." + +"Dear me!" observed the builder; "you have no notion of the size of the +house; rooms are so deceiving, unfurnished. You may sit down twenty +with ease; I'll appeal to the lady. Don't you think so, ma'am?" + +"Yes, I do," replied my wife. + +After that we went over the drawing-rooms, bed-rooms, and attics. + +Every bed-room was apportioned by my wife and daughters, and the others +were allotted to the servants; and that in the presence of the builder, +who took good note of all that passed. + +The kitchen was admired; so were the pantry, scullery, coal-hole, +dust-hole, etcetera; all so nice and clean; so compact; and, as the +builder observed, not a nail to drive anywhere. + +"Well, my dear, what do you think now? isn't it a charming house?" said +my wife, as we re-ascended into the dining-parlour. + +"It's a very nice house, my dear; but still it requires a little +consideration," replied I. + +"Consideration, my dear?" replied my wife; "what! now that you have gone +over it?" + +"I am afraid that I cannot give you very long, sir," observed the +builder; "there are two other parties after the house, and I am to give +them an answer by two o'clock." + +"Mr Smithers told me the same yesterday," whispered my wife. + +"What did you say the rent was, Mr Smithers?" + +"Only 200 pounds per annum." + +"Any ground-rent?" + +"Only 27 pounds 10 shillings." + +"And the taxes?" + +"Oh, they will be a mere trifle." + +"The rent appears to me to be very high." + +"High, my dear sir! consider the situation, the advantages. We can't +build them fast enough at that price. But of course, sir, you best +know," replied he, carelessly walking towards the window. + +"Take it; my dear," said my wife. + +"You must take it, papa." + +"Pray take it, papa." + +"Mr Whats-your-name, I beg your pardon--" + +"Smithers, sir," said the builder, turning round. + +"Pray, Mr Smithers, what term of lease do you let at?" + +"Seven, fourteen, or twenty-one, at the option of either party, sir." + +"I should have no objection to take it for three years." + +"Three years, my dear sir!--that would be doing yourself an injustice. +You would lose half the value of your fixtures provided you left--and +then the furniture. Depend upon it, sir, if you once get into it, you +will never wish to leave it." + +"That may or not be," replied I; "but I will not take it for more than +three years. The town-air may not agree with me; and if, as you say, +people are so anxious to take the houses, of course it can make no +difference to you." + +"I'm afraid, sir, that for so short a time--" + +"I will not take it for longer," replied I, rising up, glad of an excuse +to be off. + +"Oh, papa!" + +"My dear Mr B--." + +"On that point," replied I, "I will not be overruled. I will not take a +lease for more than three years, with the right of continuing, if I +please." + +The builder perceived that I was in earnest. + +"Well, sir," replied he, "I hardly know what to say; but rather than +disappoint the ladies, I will accept you as a tenant for three years +certain." + +"Confound the fellow!" thought I; but I was pinned, and there was an end +of the matter. Mr Smithers pulled out paper and ink; two letters of +agreement were written upon a small deal table, covered with blotches of +various coloured paints; and the affair was thus concluded. + +We got into the carriage and drove home, my wife and daughters in +ecstasies, and I obliged to appear very well satisfied, that I might not +damp their spirits; yet I must say that although the house appeared a +very nice house, I had my forebodings. + +"At all events," thought I, "the lease is only for three years;" and +thus I consoled myself. + +The next day the whole house was in commotion. I believe my wife and +daughters were up at daybreak. When I went into the breakfast room, I +discovered that the pictures had been taken down, although there was no +chance of their being hung up for many weeks at least, and every thing +was in preparation for packing up. After breakfast my wife set off for +town to order carpets and curtains, and did not come home till six +o'clock, very tired with the fatigues of the day. She had also brought +the measure of every grate, to ascertain what fenders would suit; the +measure of the bed-rooms and attics, to remodel the carpets; for it was +proposed that Brompton Hall should be disposed of, the new occupier +taking at a valuation what furniture might be left. To this I appeared +to consent; but was resolved in my own mind that, if taken, it should +only be for the same term of years as my new lease. I will pass over a +month of hurry, bustle, and confusion; at the end of which I found +myself in our new habitation. It was completely furnished, with the +exception of the drawing-room carpet, which had not been laid down, but +was still in a roll tied up with packthread in the middle of the room. +The cause of this I soon understood from my wife. It was always the +custom, she said, to give a house-warming upon entering a new house, and +she therefore proposed giving a little dance. To this, as it would +please her and my daughters, I raised no objection. + +I have always observed, that what is proposed as a little dance +invariably ends in a great one; for from the time of proposing till the +cards are about, it increases like a snowball; but that arises, perhaps, +from the extreme difficulty of knowing when to draw the line between +friends and acquaintances. I have also observed that when your wife and +daughters intend such a thing, they always obtain permission for the +ball first, and then tack on the supper afterwards; commencing with a +mere stand-up affair,--sandwiches, cakes, and refreshments,--and ending +with a regular sit-down affair, with Gunter presiding over all. The +music from two fiddles and a piano also swells into Collinet's band, +verifying the old adage, "In for a penny, in for a pound." But to all +this I gave my consent; I could afford it well, and I liked to please my +wife and daughters. The ball was given, and this house-warming ended in +house-breaking; for just before the supper-quadrille, as it was termed, +when about twenty-four young ladies and gentlemen were going the grand +ronde, a loud noise below, with exclamations and shrieks, was heard, and +soon afterwards the whole staircase was smothered with dust. + +"What _is_ the matter?" cried my wife, who had passed to the +landing-place on the stairs before me. + +"Ma'am," said one of Mr Gunter's men, shaking the lappets of his blue +coat, which were covered with white dust, "the whole ceiling of the +dining-room has come down!" + +"Ceiling come down!" screamed my wife. + +"Yes, ma'am," replied our own servant; "and the supper and supper-tables +are all smashed flat with the weight on it." + +Here was a catastrophe. My wife hastened down, and I followed. Sure +enough the weight of mortar had crushed all beneath it--all was chaos +and confusion. Jellies, blancmanges, pates, cold roasts, creams, +trifles,--all in one mass of ruin, mixed up with lime, horse-hair, +plaster of Paris, and stucco. It wore all the appearance of a Swiss +avalanche in miniature. + +"Good heavens, how dreadful!" exclaimed my wife. + +"How much more so if there had been people in the room," replied I. + +"What could be the cause of it!" exclaimed my wife. + +"These new houses, sir, won't bear dancing in," observed Mr Gunter's +head man. + +"So it appears," replied I. + +This unfortunate accident was the occasion of the party breaking up: +they knew that there was no chance of supper, which they had looked +forward to; so they put on their shawls and departed, leaving us to +clear up the wreck at our leisure. In fact, as my daughters declared, +it quite spoiled the ball as well as the supper. + +The next morning I sent for Mr Smithers, who made his appearance, and +showed him what had taken place. + +"Dear me, I'm very sorry; but you had too many people above stairs--that +is very clear." + +"Very clear, indeed, Mr Smithers. We had a ball last night." + +"A ball, sir! Oh, then no wonder." + +"No wonder! What! do you mean to say that balls are not to be given?" + +"Why, really, sir, we do not build private houses for ball-rooms--we +could not, sir; the price of timber just now is enormous, and the +additional strength required would never pay us." + +"What then! do you mean to say that there are no balls to be given in +London?" + +"Oh no, sir!--certainly not; but you must be aware that few people do. +Even our aristocracy hire Willis's rooms for their balls. Some of the +old houses, indeed, such as Devonshire House, may do for such a thing." + +"But, Mr Smithers, I expect you will make this ceiling good." + +"Much obliged to you, sir, for giving me the preference--I will do it as +reasonable as anybody," replied Mr Smithers, bowing. "I will order my +workmen directly--they are only next door." + +For a fortnight we were condemned to dine in the back dining-room; and +after that Mr Smithers sent in a bill which cost me more than the ball +and supper. + +So soon as all was right again, I determined that I would hang up my +pictures; for I had been accustomed to look at them for years, and I +missed them. I sent for a carpenter, and gave him directions. + +"I have the middle now, sir, exactly," said the man, standing on the +high steps; "but," continued he, tapping with his hammer, "I can't find +wood." + +"Can't find wood!" + +"No, sir," replied the man, tapping as far as he could reach from right +to left; "nothing to nail to, sir. But there never is no wood in these +new-built houses." + +"Confound your new houses!" exclaimed I. + +"Well, it is very provoking, my dear!" exclaimed my wife. + +"I suppose that their new houses are not built for pictures any more +than for balls," replied I; and I sighed. "What must be done?" + +"I think, sir, if you were to order brass rods to be fixed from one +corner to the other, we might find means to fasten them," observed the +carpenter; "but there's no wood, that's certain." + +"What the devil is the house built of then?" exclaimed I. + +"All lath and plaster, sir," replied the man, tapping right and left. + +At a heavy expense I procured the rods, and at last the pictures were +hung up. + +The next annoyance that we had was a very bad smell, which we found to +proceed from the drains; and the bricklayers were sent for. All the +drains were choked, it appeared, from their being so very narrow; and +after having up the whole basement, at the expense of 40 pounds, that +nuisance was abated. + +We now had two months' repose, and I was in hopes that things would go +on more comfortably; but one day I overheard a conversation between my +wife and daughters, as I passed by the door of the room, which I must +candidly acknowledge gave me satisfaction. + +"It's really very awkward, mamma--one don't know where to put anything: +there's not a cupboard or stow-hole in the whole house--not even a +store-room." + +"Well, it is so, my dear; I wonder we did not observe it when we looked +over it. What a nice set of cupboards we had at Brompton Hall." + +"Oh! yes--I wish we had them here, mamma. Couldn't we have some built?" + +"I don't like to speak to your papa about it, my dear; he has already +been put to such expense, what with the ceiling and the drains." + +"Then don't, mamma; papa is really very good-natured." + +The equinoxes now came on, and we had several gales of wind, with heavy +rain--the slates blew off and rattled up and down all night, while the +wind howled round the corner of the square. The next morning complaints +from all the attic residents; one's bed was wetted quite through with +the water dropping through the ceiling--another had been obliged to put +a basin on the floor to catch the leak--all declared that the roof was +like a sieve. Sent again for Mr Smithers, and made a complaint. + +"This time, Mr Smithers," said I, with the lease in my hand, "I believe +you will acknowledge these are landlord's repairs." + +"Certainly, sir, certainly," exclaimed Mr Smithers; "I shall desire one +of my men to look to it immediately; but the fact is, with such heavy +gales, the slates must be expected to move a little. Duchesses and +countesses are very light, and the wind gets underneath them." + +"Duchesses and countesses very light!" exclaimed my wife; "what do you +mean?" + +"It's the term we give to slates, madam," replied he; "we cannot put on +a heavy roof with a brick-and-a-half wall. It would not support one." + +"_Brick-and-a-half_ wall!" exclaimed I;--"surely, Mr Smithers, that's +not quite safe with a house so high." + +"Not quite safe, my dear sir, if it were a single house; but," added he, +"in a row, one house supports another." + +"Thank Heaven," thought I, "I have but a three-years' lease, and six +months are gone already." + +But the annoyances up to this period were internal; we now had to +experience the external nuisances attending a modern-built house. + +"Number 1 is taken, papa, and they are getting the furniture in," said +my eldest daughter one day; "I hope we shall have nice neighbours. And +William told Mary that Mr Smithers told him, when he met him in the +street, that he was now going to fit up Number 3 as fast as he could." + +The report was true, as we found from the report of the carpenters' +hammers for the next three or four weeks. We could not obtain a +moment's sleep except in the early part of the night, or a minute's +repose to our ears during the day. The sound appeared as if it was _in_ +our house instead of next door; and it commenced at six o'clock in the +morning, and lasted till seven in the evening. I was hammered to death; +and, unfortunately, there was a constant succession of rain, which +prevented me going out to avoid it. I had nothing to do but to watch my +pictures, as they jumped from the wall with the thumps of the hammers. +At last Number 3 was floored, wainscotted, and glazed, and we had a +week's repose. + +By this time Number 1 was furnished, and the parties who had taken it +came in. They were a gouty old gentleman, and his wife, who, report +said, had once been his cook. My daughters' hopes of pleasant +neighbours were disappointed. Before they had been in a week, we found +ourselves at issue: the old gentleman's bed was close to the +partition-wall, and in the dead of the night we could distinctly hear +his groans and also his execrations and exclamations, when the fit came +on him. My wife and daughters declared that it was quite horrible, and +that they could not sleep for them. + +Upon the eighth day there came a note:--"Mrs Whortleback's compliments +to Mr and Mrs --, and begs that the young people will not play on the +piany, as Mr Whortleback is very ill with the gout." + +Now, my daughters were proficients on the piano, and practised a great +deal. This note was anything but satisfactory: to play when the old +gentleman was ill would be barbarous,--not to play was to deprive +ourselves of our greatest pleasure. + +"Oh dear! how very disagreeable," cried my daughters. + +"Yes, my dear; but if we can hear his groans, it's no wonder that he can +hear the piano and harp: recollect the wall is only a brick and a half +thick." + +"I wonder music don't soothe him," observed the eldest. + +Music is a mockery to a man in agony. A man who has been broken on the +wheel would not have his last hours soothed by the finest orchestra. +After a week, during which we sent every day to inquire after Mr +Whortleback's health, we ventured to resume the piano and harp; upon +which the old gentleman became testy, and sent for a man with a trumpet, +placing him in the balcony, and desiring him to play as much out of tune +as possible whenever the harp and piano sounded a note. Thus were we at +open hostility with our only neighbour; and, as we were certain if my +daughters touched their instruments, to have the trumpet blowing discord +for an hour or two either that day or the next, at last the piano was +unopened, and the harp remained in its case. Before the year closed, +Number 3 became tenanted; and here we had a new annoyance. It was +occupied by a large family; and there were four young ladies who were +learning music. We now had our annoyance: it was strum, strum, all day +long; one sister up, another down; and every one knows what a bore the +first lessons in music are to those who are compelled to hear them. +They could just manage to play a tune, and that eternal tune was ringing +in our ears from morning to night. We could not send our compliments, +or blow a trumpet. We were forced to submit to it. The nursery also +being against the partition wall, we had the squalls and noise of the +children on the one side, added to groans and execrations of the old +gentleman on the other. + +However, custom reconciled us to everything, and the first vexation +gradually wore off. Yet I could not help observing that when I was +supposed not to be in hearing, the chief conversation of my wife, when +her friends called upon her, consisted of a description of all the +nuisances and annoyances that we suffered; and I felt assured that she +and my daughters were as anxious to return to Brompton Hall as I was. +In fact, the advantages which they had anticipated by their town +residence were not realised. In our situation, we were as far off from +most of our friends, and still farther from some than we were before, +and we had no longer the same amusements to offer them. At our former +short distance from town, access was more easy to those who did not keep +a carriage, that is, the young men; and those were the parties who, of +course, my wife and daughters cared for most. It was very agreeable to +come down with their portmanteaus,--enjoy the fresh air and green lanes +of the country for an afternoon,--dine, sleep, and breakfast, and return +the next morning by conveyances which passed us every quarter of an +hour; but to dine with us in -- Square, when the expense of a +hackney-coach there and back was no trifle, and to return at eleven +o'clock at night, was not at all agreeable. We found that we had not so +much society, nor were we half so much courted, as at Brompton Hall. +This was the bitterest blow of all, and my wife and daughters would look +out of the windows and sigh; often a whole day passed without one friend +or acquaintance dropping in to relieve its monotony. + +We continued to reside there, nevertheless, for I had made up my mind +that the three years would be well spent if they cured my wife and +daughters of their town mania; and although anxious, as I am sure they +were, to return, I never broached the matter, for I was determined that +the cure should be radical. Numbers 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8, were finished +the next year, and, by the persuasions of Mr Smithers, were taken by +different parties in the spring. And now we had another nuisance. +Nothing but eternal rings at the bell. The man-servant grumbled, and +was behind with his work; and when scolded, replied that there was no +time for any thing, that when cleaning his knives and plate the bell was +rung, and he was obliged to wash himself, throw on his jacket, and go up +to answer the front door; that the bell was not rung for us, but to find +out where some new-comer lived, and to ascertain this they always rang +at the house which appeared the longest inhabited. There was no end to +the ringing for some months, and we had three servants who absolutely +refused to stay in so bad a place. We had also to contend with letters +and notes in the same way, brought to us at haphazard: "Does Mr +So-and-so live here?"--"No, he does not."--"Then pray where does he?" +This was interminable, and not five minutes in the day passed without +the door-bell being rung. For the sake of not changing my servants I +was at last put to the expense of an extra boy for no other purpose but +to answer the constant applications at the door. At last we had +remained there for two years and nine months, and then my wife would +occasionally put the question whether I intended to renew the lease; and +I naturally replied that I did not like change. + +Then she went upon another tack; observed that Clara did not appear well +for some time, and that she thought that she required country air; but, +in this, I did not choose to agree with her. + +One day I came home, and, rubbing my hands as if pleased, said, "Well, +at last I've an offer for Brompton Villa for a term of seven years,--a +very fair offer and good tenants,--so that will now be off my hands." + +My wife looked mortified, and my daughters held down their heads. + +"Have you let it, papa?" said one of my daughters, timidly. + +"No, not yet; but I am to give an answer to-morrow morning." + +"It requires consideration, my dear," replied my wife. + +"Requires consideration!" said I. "Why, my dear, the parties have seen +the house, and I have been trying to let it these three years. I +recollect when I took this house I said it required consideration, but +you would not allow any such thing." + +"I'm sure I wish we had," said Clara. + +"And so do I." + +"The fact is, my dear," said my wife, coming round to the back of my +chair, and putting her arms round my neck, "we all wish to go back to +Brompton." + +"Yes, yes, papa," added my daughters, embracing me on each side. + +"You will allow, then, that I was right in not taking a lease for more +than three years." + +"Yes: how lucky you were so positive!" + +"Well, then, if that is the case, we will unfurnish this house, and, as +soon as you please, go back to Brompton Hall." + +I hardly need observe that we took possession of our old abode with +delight, and that I have had no more applications for a change of +residence, or have again heard the phrase that we were living "out of +the world." + + + +CHAPTER FORTY SIX. + +THE WAY TO BE HAPPY. + +Cut your coat according to your cloth, is an old maxim and a wise one; +and if people will only square their ideas according to their +circumstances, how much happier might we all be! If we only would come +down a peg or two in our notions, in accordance with our waning +fortunes, happiness would be always within our reach. It is not what we +have, or what we have not, which adds or subtracts from our felicity. +It is the longing for more than we have, the envying of those who +possess that more, and the wish to appear in the world of more +consequence than we really are, which destroy our peace of mind, and +eventually lead to ruin. + +I never witnessed a man submitting to circumstances with good humour and +good sense, so remarkably as in my friend Alexander Willemott. When I +first met him, since our school days, it was at the close of the war: he +had been a large contractor with Government for army clothing and +accoutrements, and was said to have realised an immense fortune, +although his accounts were not yet settled. Indeed it was said that +they were so vast, that it would employ the time of six clerks, for two +years, to examine them, previous to the balance sheet being struck. As +I observed, he had been at school with me, and, on my return from the +East Indies, I called upon him to renew our old acquaintance, and +congratulate him upon his success. + +"My dear Reynolds, I am delighted to see you. You must come down to +Belem Castle; Mrs Willemott will receive you with pleasure, I'm sure. +You shall see my two girls." + +I consented. The chaise stopped at a splendid mansion, and I was +ushered in by a crowd of liveried servants. Every thing was on the most +sumptuous and magnificent scale. Having paid my respects to the lady of +the house, I retired to dress, as dinner was nearly ready, it being then +half-past seven o'clock. It was eight before we sat down. To an +observation that I made, expressing a hope that I had not occasioned the +dinner being put off, Willemott replied, "On the contrary, my dear +Reynolds, we never sit down until about this hour. How people can dine +at four or five o'clock, I cannot conceive. I could not touch a +mouthful." + +The dinner was excellent, and I paid the encomiums which were its due. + +"Do not be afraid, my dear fellow--my cook is an _artiste +extraordinaire_--a regular _Cordon Bleu_. You may eat any thing without +fear of indigestion. How people can live upon the English cookery of +the present day, I cannot conceive. I seldom dine out, for fear of +being poisoned. Depend upon it, a good cook lengthens your days, and no +price is too great to insure one." + +When the ladies retired, being alone, we entered into friendly +conversation. I expressed my admiration of his daughters, who certainly +were very handsome and elegant girls. + +"Very true; they are more than passable," replied he. "We have had many +offers, but not such as come up to my expectations. Baronets are cheap +now-a-days, and Irish lords are nothings; I hope to settle them +comfortably. We shall see. Try this claret; you will find it +excellent, not a headache in a hogshead of it. How people can drink +port, I cannot imagine." + +The next morning he proposed that I should rattle round the park with +him. I acceded, and we set off in a handsome open carriage, with four +greys, ridden by postilions at a rapid pace. As we were whirling along, +he observed, "In town we must of course drive but a pair, but in the +country I never go out without four horses. There is a spring in four +horses which is delightful; it makes your spirits elastic, and you feel +that the poor animals are not at hard labour. Rather than not drive +four, I would prefer to stay at home." + +Our ride was very pleasant, and in such amusements passed away one of +the most pleasant weeks that I ever remembered. Willemott was not the +least altered--he was as friendly, as sincere, as open-hearted, as when +a boy at school. I left him, pleased with his prosperity, and +acknowledging that he was well deserving of it, although his ideas had +assumed such a scale of magnificence. + +I went to India when my leave expired, and was absent about four years. +On my return, I inquired after my friend Willemott, and was told that +his circumstances and expectations had been greatly altered. From many +causes, such as a change in the Government, a demand for economy, and +the wording of his contracts having been differently rendered from what +Willemott had supposed their meaning to be, large items had been struck +out of his balance sheet, and, instead of being a millionaire, he was +now a gentleman with a handsome property. Belem Castle had been sold, +and he now lived at Richmond, as hospitable as ever, and was considered +a great addition to the neighbourhood. I took the earliest opportunity +of going down to see him. + +"Oh, my dear Reynolds, this is really kind of you to come without +invitation. Your room is ready, and bed well aired, for it was slept in +three nights ago. Come--Mrs Willemott will be delighted to see you." + +I found the girls still unmarried, but they were yet young. The whole +family appeared as contented and happy, and as friendly, as before. We +sat down to dinner at six o'clock; the footman and coachman attended. +The dinner was good, but not by the _artiste extraordinaire_. I praised +everything. + +"Yes," replied he, "she is a very good cook; she unites the solidity of +the English with the delicacy of the French fare; and, altogether, I +think it a _decided improvement_. Jane is quite a treasure." After +dinner, he observed, "Of course you know I have sold Belem Castle, and +reduced my establishment. Government have not treated me fairly, but I +am at the mercy of Commissioners, and a body of men will do that which, +as individuals, they would be ashamed of. The fact is, the odium is +borne by no one in particular, and it is only the sense of shame which +keeps us honest, I am afraid. However, here you see me, with a +comfortable fortune, and always happy to see my friends, especially my +old schoolfellow. Will you take _port_ or claret; the port is very +fine, and so is the claret. By the by, do you know--I'll let you into a +family secret; Louisa is to be married to a Colonel Willer--an +_excellent_ match! It has made us all happy." + +The next day we drove out, not in an open carriage as before, but in a +chariot and with a _pair of horses_. + +"These are handsome horses," observed I. + +"Yes," replied he, "I am fond of good horses; and, as I only keep a +pair, I have the best. There is a certain degree of pretension in _four +horses_, I do not much like--it appears as if you wished to overtop your +neighbours." + +I spent a few very pleasant days, and then quitted his hospitable roof. +A severe cold, caught that winter, induced me to take the advice of the +physicians, and proceed to the South of France, where I remained two +years. On my return, I was informed that Willemott had speculated, and +had been unlucky on the Stock Exchange; that he had left Richmond, and +was now living at Clapham. The next day I met him near the Exchange. + +"Reynolds, I am happy to see you. Thompson told me that you had come +back. If not better engaged, come down to see me; I will drive you down +at four o'clock, if that will suit." + +It suited me very well, and, at four o'clock, I met him according to +appointment at a livery stables over the Iron Bridge. His vehicle was +ordered out, it was a phaeton drawn by two long-tailed ponies-- +altogether a very neat concern. We set off at a rapid pace. + +"They step out well, don't they? We shall be down in plenty of time to +put on a pair of shoes by five o'clock, which is _our dinner-time_. +Late dinners don't agree with me--they produce indigestion. Of course, +you know that Louisa has a little boy." + +I did not; but congratulated him. + +"Yes, and has now gone out to India with her husband. Mary is also +engaged to be married--a very _good_ match--a Mr Rivers, in the law. +He has been called to the bar this year, and promises well. They will +be a little pinched at first, but we must see what we can do for them." + +We stopped at a neat row of houses, I forget the name, and, as we drove +up, the servant, the only man-servant, came out, and took the ponies +round to the stable, while the maid received my luggage, and one or two +paper-bags, containing a few extras for the occasion. I was met with +the same warmth as usual by Mrs Willemott. The house was small, but +very neat; the remnants of former grandeur appeared here and there, in +one or two little articles, favourites of the lady. We sat down at five +o'clock to a _plain_ dinner, and were attended by the footman, who had +rubbed down the ponies and pulled on his livery. + +"A good plain cook is the best thing, after all," observed Willemott. +"Your fine cooks won't condescend to roast and boil. Will you take some +of this sirloin, the under-cut is excellent. My dear, give Mr Reynolds +some Yorkshire pudding." + +When we were left alone after dinner, Willemott told me, very +unconcernedly, of his losses. + +"It was my own fault," said he; "I wished to make up a little sum for +the girls, and risking what they would have had, I left them almost +pennyless. However, we can always command a bottle of port and a +beef-steak, and _what more_ in this world can you have? Will you take +port or white?--I have no claret to offer you." + +We finished our port, but I could perceive no difference in Willemott. +He was just as happy and as cheerful as ever. He drove me to town the +next day. During our drive, he observed, "I like ponies, they are so +little trouble; and I prefer them to driving one horse in this vehicle, +as I can put my wife and daughters into it. It's selfish to keep a +carriage for yourself alone, and one horse in a four-wheeled double +chaise appears like an imposition upon the poor animal." + +I went to Scotland, and remained about a year. On my return, I found +that my friend Willemott had again shifted his quarters. He was at +Brighton; and having nothing better to do, I put myself in the "Times," +and arrived at the Bedford Hotel. It was not until after some inquiry, +that I could find out his address. At last I obtained it, in a +respectable but not fashionable part of this overgrown town. Willemott +received me just as before. + +"I have no spare bed to offer you, but you must breakfast and dine with +us every day. Our house is small, but it's very comfortable, and +Brighton is a very convenient place. You know Mary is married. A good +place in the courts was for sale, and my wife and I agreed to purchase +it for Rivers. It has reduced us a little, but they are very +comfortable. I have retired from business altogether; in fact, as my +daughters are both married, and we have enough to live upon, what can we +wish for more? Brighton is very gay, and always healthy; and, as for +carriage and horses, they are no use here--there are _flies_ at every +corner of the streets." + +I accepted his invitation to dinner. A parlour-maid waited, but +everything, although very plain, was clean and comfortable. + +"I have still a bottle of wine for a friend, Reynolds," said Willemott, +after dinner; "but, for my part, I prefer _whisky-toddy_--it agrees with +me better. Here's to the health of my two girls, God bless them, and +success to them in life!" + +"My dear Willemott," said I, "I take the liberty of an old friend, but I +am so astonished at your philosophy, that I cannot help it. When I call +to mind Belem Castle, your large establishment, your luxuries, your +French cook, and your stud of cattle, I wonder at your contented state +of mind under such a change of circumstances." + +"I almost wonder myself, my dear fellow," replied he. "I never could +have believed, at that time, that I could live happily under such a +change of circumstances; but the fact is, that, although I have been a +contractor, I have a good conscience; then, my wife is an excellent +woman, and provided she sees me and her daughters happy, thinks nothing +about herself; and, further, I have made it a rule, as I have been going +down hill, to find reasons why I should be thankful, and not +discontented. Depend upon it, Reynolds, it is not a loss of fortune +which will affect your happiness, as long as you have peace and love at +home." + +I took my leave of Willemott and his wife, with respect as well as +regard; convinced that there was no pretended indifference to worldly +advantages; that it was not, that the grapes were sour, but that he had +learned the whole art of happiness, by being contented with what he had, +and by "cutting his coat according to his cloth." + + + +CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN. + +HOW TO WRITE A FASHIONABLE NOVEL. + +[_Scene--Chamber in Lincoln's Inn_. ARTHUR ANSARD _at a briefless +table, tete-a-tete with his wig on a block_. A _casts a disconsolate +look upon his companion, and soliloquises_.] + +Yes, there you stand, "partner of my toils, my feelings, and my fame." +We do not _suit_, for we never gained a _suit_ together. Well, what +with reporting for the bar, writing for the Annuals and the +Pocket-books, I shall be able to meet all demands, except those of my +tailor; and, as his bill is most characteristically long, I think I +shall be able to make it stretch over till next term, by which time I +hope to fulfil my engagements with Mr C, who has given me an order for +a fashionable novel, written by a "nobleman." But how I, who was never +inside of an aristocratical mansion in my life, whose whole idea of +Court is comprised in the Court of King's Bench, am to complete my +engagement, I know no more than my companion opposite, who looks so +placidly stupid under my venerable wig. As far as the street door, the +footman and carriage, and the porter, are concerned, I can manage well +enough; but as to what occurs within doors I am quite abroad. I shall +never get through the first chapter; yet that tailor's bill must be +paid. (_Knocking outside_.) Come in, I pray. + +_Enter_ BARNSTAPLE. + +_B_. Merry Christmas to you, Arthur. + +_A_. Sit down, my dear fellow; but don't mock me with merry Christmas. +He emigrated long ago. Answer me seriously: do you think it possible +for a man to describe what he never saw? + +_B (putting his stick up to his chin_.) Why, 'tis possible; but I would +not answer for the description being quite correct. + +_A_. But suppose the parties who read it have never seen the thing +described? + +_B_. Why then it won't signify whether the description be correct or +not. + +_A_. You have taken a load off my mind; but still I am not quite at +ease. I have engaged to furnish C with a fashionable novel. + +_B_. What do you mean to imply by a fashionable novel? + +_A_. I really can hardly tell. His stipulations were, that it was to +be a "fashionable novel in three volumes, each volume not less than +three hundred pages." + +_B_. That is to say, that you are to assist him in imposing on the +public. + +_A_. Something very like it, I'm afraid; as it is further agreed that +it is to be puffed as coming from a highly talented nobleman. + +_B_. You should not do it, Ansard. + +_A_. So conscience tells me, but my tailor's bill says Yes; and that is +a thing out of all conscience. Only look here. + + _Displays a long bill_. +_B_. Why, I must acknowledge, Ansard, that there is some excuse. One +needs must, when the devil drives; but you are capable of better things. + +_A_. I certainly don't feel great capability in this instance. But +what can I do? The man will have nothing else--he says the public will +read nothing else. + +_B_. That is to say, that because one talented author astonished the +public by style and merits peculiarly his own, and established, as it +were, a school for neophites, his popularity is to be injured by +contemptible imitators. It is sufficient to drive a man mad, to find +that the tinsel of others, if to be purchased more cheaply, is to be +pawned upon the public instead of his gold; and more annoying still, +that the majority of the public cannot appreciate the difference between +the metal and the alloy. Do you know, Ansard, that by getting up this +work, you really injure the popularity of a man of great talent? + +_A_. Will he pay my tailor's bill! + +_B_. No; I dare say he has enough to do to pay his own. What does your +tailor say? + +_A_. He is a staunch reformer, and on March the 1st he declares that he +will have the bill, the whole bill, and nothing but the bill--carried to +my credit. Mr C, on the 10th of February, also expects the novel, the +whole novel, and nothing but the novel, and that must be a fashionable +novel. Look here, Barnstaple. (_Shows his tailor's bill_). + +_B_. I see how it is. He "pays your poverty, and not your will." + +_A_. And, by your leave, I thus must pay my bill (_bowing_). + +_B_. Well, well, I can help you: nothing more difficult than to write a +good novel, and nothing more easy than to write a bad one. If I were +not above the temptation, I could pen you a dozen of the latter every +ordinary year, and thirteen, perhaps, in the bissextile. So banish that +Christmas cloud from your brow; leave off nibbling your pen at the wrong +end, and clap a fresh nib to the right one. I have an hour to spare. + +_A_. I thank you: that spare hour of yours may save me many a spare +day. I'm all attention--proceed. + +_B_. The first point to be considered is the _tempus_, or time; the +next the _locus_, or place; and lastly the _dramatis personae_ and thus, +chapter upon chapter, will you build a novel. + +_A_. Build! + +_B_. Yes, build; you have had your dimensions given, the interior is +left to your own decoration. First, as to the opening. Suppose we +introduce the hero in his dressing-room. We have something of the kind +in Pelham; and if we can't copy his merits, we must his peculiarities. +Besides, it always is effective: a dressing-room or boudoir of supposed +great people, is admitting the vulgar into the arcana, which they +delight in. + +_A_. Nothing can be better. + +_B_. Then, as to time; as the hero is still in bed, suppose we say four +o'clock in the afternoon? + +_A_. In the morning, you mean. + +_B_. No; the afternoon. I grant you that fashionable young men in real +life get up much about the same time as other people; but in a +fashionable novel your real exclusive never rises early. The very idea +makes the tradesman's wife lift up her eyes. So begin. "It was about +thirty-three minutes after four, _post meridian_--." + +_A_. Minute--to a minute! + +_B_. "That the Honourable Augustus Bouverie's finely chiselled--" + +_A_. Chiselled! + +_B_. Yes; great people are always chiselled; common people are only +cast.--"Finely chiselled head was still recumbent upon his silk-encased +pillow. His luxuriant and Antinous-like curls were now confined in +_papillotes_ of the finest satin paper, and the _tout ensemble_ of his +head--" + +_A. Tout ensemble_! + +_B_. Yes; go on.--"Was gently compressed by a caul of the finest +net-work, composed of the threads spun from the beauteous production of +the Italian worm." + +_A_. Ah! now I perceive--a silk nightcap. But why can't I say at once +a silk nightcap? + +_B_. Because you are writing a fashionable novel.--"With the forefinger +of his gloved left hand--" + +_A_. But he's not coming in from a walk--he's not yet out of bed. + +_B_. You don't understand it.--"Gloved left hand he applied a gentle +friction to the portal of his right eye, which unclosing at the silent +summons, enabled him to perceive a repeater studded with brilliants, and +ascertain the exact minute of time, which we have already made known to +the reader, and at which our history opens." + +_A_. A very grand opening indeed! + +_B_. Not more than it ought to be for a fashionable novel.--"At the +sound of a silver _clochette_, his faithful Swiss valet Coridon, who had +for some time been unperceived at the door, waiting for some notice of +his master, having thrown off the empire of Somnus, in his light pumps, +covered with beaver, moved with noiseless step up to the bedside, like +the advance of eve stealing over the face of nature." + +_A_. Rather an incongruous simile. + +_B_. Not for a fashionable novel.--"There he stood, like Taciturnity +bowing at the feet of proud Authority." + +_A_. Indeed, Barnstaple, that is too _outre_. + +_B_. Not a whit: I am in the true "Cambysis' vein."--"Coridon having +softly withdrawn the rose-coloured gros de Naples bed-curtains, which by +some might have been thought to have been rather too extravagantly +fringed with the finest Mechlin lace, exclaimed with a tone of tremulous +deference and affection, `_Monsieur a bien dormi_?' `Coridon,' said the +Honourable Augustus Bouverie, raising himself on his elbow in that +eminently graceful attitude for which he was so remarkable when +reclining on the ottomans at Almacks--" + +_A_. Are you sure they have ottomans there? + +_B_. No; but your readers can't disprove it.--"`Coridon,' said he, +surveying his attendant from head to foot, and ultimately assuming a +severity of countenance, `Coridon, you are becoming gross, if not +positively what the people call _fat_.' The Swiss attendant fell back +in graceful astonishment three steps, and arching his eyebrows, +extending his inverted palms forward, and raising his shoulders above +the apex of his head, exclaimed, `_Pardon, milor, j'en aurais un horreur +parfait_.' `I tell you,' replied our gracefully recumbent hero, `that +it is so, Coridon; and I ascribe it to your partiality for that +detestable wine called Port. Confine yourself to Hock and Moselle, +sirrah: I fear me, you have a base hankering after mutton and beef. +Restrict yourself to salads, and do not sin even with an omelette more +than once a week. Coridon must be visionary and diaphanous, or he is no +Coridon for me. Remove my night-gloves, and assist me to rise: it is +past four o'clock, and the sun must have, by this time, sufficiently +aired this terrestrial globe.'" + +_A_. I have it now; I feel I could go on for an hour. + +_B_. Longer than that, before you get him out of his dressing-room. +You must make at least five chapters before he is apparelled, or how can +you write a fashionable novel, in which you cannot afford more than two +incidents in the three volumes? Two are absolutely necessary for the +editor of the Gazette to extract as specimens, before he winds up an +eulogy. Do you think that you can proceed now for a week, without my +assistance? + +_A_. I think so, if you will first give me some general ideas. In the +first place, am I always to continue in this style? + +_B_. No; I thought you knew better. You must throw in patches of +philosophy every now and then. + +_A_. Philosophy in a fashionable novel? + +_B_. Most assuredly, or it would be complained of as trifling; but a +piece, now and then, of philosophy, as unintelligible as possible, +stamps it with deep thought. In the dressing-room, or boudoir, it must +be occasionally Epicurean; elsewhere, especially in the open air, more +Stoical. + +_A_. I'm afraid that I shall not manage that without a specimen to copy +from. Now I think of it, Eugene Aram says something very beautiful on a +starry night. + +_B_. He does: it is one of the most splendid pieces of writing in our +language. But I will have no profanation, Arthur;--to your pen again, +and write. We'll suppose our hero to have retired from the crowded +festivities of a ball-room at some lordly mansion in the country, and to +have wandered into a churchyard, damp and dreary with a thick London +fog. In the light dress of fashion, he throws himself on a tombstone. +"Ye dead!" exclaims the hero, "where are ye? Do your disembodied +spirits now float around me, and, shrouded in this horrible veil of +nature, glare unseen upon vitality? Float ye upon this intolerable +mist, in yourselves still more misty and intolerable? Hold ye high +jubilee to-night? or do ye crouch behind these monitorial stones, +gibbering and chattering at one who dares thus to invade your precincts? +Here may I hold communion with my soul, and, in the invisible presence +of those who could, but dare not to reveal. Away! it must not be." + +_A_. What mustn't be? + +_B_. That is the mystery which gives the point to his soliloquy. Leave +it to the reader's imagination. + +_A_. I understand. But still the Honourable Augustus cannot lie in bed +much longer, and I really shall not be able to get him out without your +assistance. I do not comprehend how a man can get out of bed +_gracefully_; he must show his bare legs, and the alteration of position +is in itself awkward. + +_B_. Not half so awkward as you are. Do you not feel that he must not +be got out of bed at all--that is, by description. + +_A_. How then? + +_B_. By saying nothing about it. Recommence as follows:--"`I should +like the bath at seventy-six and a half, Coridon,' observed the +Honourable Augustus Bouverie, as he wrapped his embroidered dressing +gown round his elegant form, and sank into a _chaise longue_, wheeled by +his faithful attendant to the fire." There, you observe, he is out of +bed, and nothing said about it. + +_A_. Go on, I pray thee. + +_A_. "`How is the bath perfumed?' `_Eau de mille fleurs_.' `_Eau de +mille fleurs_! Did not I tell you last week that I was tired of that +villainous compound? It has been adulterated till nothing remains but +its name. Get me another bath immediately _a la violette_; and, +Coridon, you may use that other scent, if there is any left, for the +poodle; but observe, only when _you_ take him an airing, not when he +goes with _me_.'" + +_A_. Excellent! I now feel the real merits of an exclusive; but you +said something about dressing-room, or in-door philosophy. + +_B_. I did; and now is a good opportunity to introduce it. Coridon +goes into the ante-chamber to renew the bath, and of course your hero +has met with a disappointment in not having the bath to his immediate +pleasure. He must press his hands to his forehead. By-the-by, +recollect that his forehead, when you describe it, must be high and +white as snow: all aristocratical foreheads are--at least, are in a +fashionable novel. + +_A_. What! the women's and all? + +_B_. The heroine's must be; the others you may lower as a contrast. +But to resume with the philosophy. He strikes his forehead, lifts his +eyes slowly up to the ceiling, and drops his right arm as slowly down by +the side of the _chaise longue_; and then in a voice so low that it +might have been considered a whisper, were it not for its clear and +brilliant intonation, he exclaims-- + +_A_. Exclaims in a whisper! + +_B_. To be sure; you exclaim mentally, why should you not in a whisper? + +_A_. I perceive--your argument is unanswerable. + +_B_. Stop a moment; it will run better thus:--"The Honourable Augustus +Bouverie no sooner perceived himself alone, than he felt the dark shades +of melancholy ascending and brooding over his mind, and enveloping his +throbbing heart in their--their _adamantine_ chains. Yielding to the +overwhelming force, he thus exclaimed, `Such is life--we require but one +flower, and we are offered noisome thousands--refused that we wish, we +live in loathing of that not worthy to be received--mourners from our +cradle to our grave, we utter the shrill cry at our birth, and we sink +in oblivion with the faint, wail of terror. Why should we, then, ever +commit the folly to be happy?'" + +_A_. Hang me, but that's a poser! + +_B_. Nonsense! hold your tongue; it is only preparatory to the end. +"Conviction astonishes and torments--destiny prescribes and falsifies-- +attraction drives us away--humiliation supports our energies. Thus do +we recede into the present, and shudder at the Elysium of posterity." + +_A_. I have written all that down, Barnstaple; but I cannot understand +it, upon my soul! + +_B_. If you had understood one particle, that particle I would have +erased. This is your true philosophy of a fashionable novel, the +extreme interest of which consists in its being unintelligible. People +have such an opinion of their own abilities, that if they understood +you, they would despise you; but a dose like this strikes them with +veneration for your talents. + +_A_. Your argument is unanswerable; but you said that I must describe +the dressing-room. + +_B_. Nothing more easy; as a simile, compare it to the shrine of some +favoured saint in a richly-endowed Catholic church. Three tables at +least, full of materials in methodised confusion--all tending to the +beautification of the human form divine. Tinted perfumes in every +variety of cut crystal receivers, gold and silver. If at a loss, call +at Bayley and Blew's, or Smith's in Bond Street. Take an accurate +survey of all you see, and introduce your whole catalogue. You cannot +be too minute. But, Arthur, you must not expect me to write the whole +book for you. + +_A_. Indeed I am not so exorbitant in my demands upon your good-nature; +but observe, I may get up four or five chapters already with the hints +you have given me, but I do not know how to move, such a creation of the +brain--so ethereal, that I fear he will melt away; and so fragile, that +I am in terror lest he fall to pieces. Now only get him into the +breakfast-room for me, and then I ask no more for the present. Only +dress him, and bring him _down stairs_. + +_B_. There again you prove your incapability. Bring him down stairs! +Your hero of a fashionable novel never ascends to the first floor. +Bed-room, dressing-room, breakfast-room, library, and boudoir, all are +upon a level. As for his dressing, you must only describe it as perfect +when finished; but not enter into a regular detail, except that, in +conversation with his valet, he occasionally asks for something +unheard-of, or fastidious to a degree. You must not walk him from one +chamber to another, but manage it as follows:--"It was not until the +beautiful airs of the French clock that decorated the mantel-piece had +been thrice played, with all their variations, that the Honourable +Augustus Bouverie entered his library, where he found his assiduous +Coridon burning an aromatic pastille to disperse the compound of +villainous exhalations arising from the condensed metropolitan +atmosphere. Once more in a state of repose, to the repeated and almost +affecting solicitations of his faithful attendant, who alternately +presented to him the hyson of Pekoe, the bohea of Twankay, the fragrant +berry from the Asiatic shore, and the frothing and perfumed decoction of +the Indian nut, our hero shook his head in denial, until he at last was +prevailed upon to sip a small liqueur glass of _eau sucre_." The fact +is, Arthur, he is in love--don't you perceive? Now introduce a friend, +who rallies him--then a resolution to think no more of the heroine--a +billet on a golden salver--a counter resolution--a debate which equipage +to order--a decision at last--hat, gloves, and furred great coat--and by +that time you will have arrived to the middle of the first volume. + +_A_. I perceive; but I shall certainly stick there without your +assistance. + +_B_. You shall have it, my dear fellow. In a week I will call again, +and see how you get on. Then we'll introduce the heroine; that, I can +tell you, requires some tact--_au revoir_. + +_A_. Thanks, many thanks, my dear Barnstaple. Fare you well. + + _Exit_ BARNSTAPLE. +_A (looking over his memoranda_.)--It will do! (_Hopping and dancing +about the room_.) Hurrah! my tailor's bill will be paid after all! + +------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +PART II. + +MR ARTHUR ANSARD'S _Chambers as before_. MR ANSARD. _with his eyes +fixed upon the wig block, gnawing the feather end of his pen. The +table, covered with sundry sheets of foolscap, show strong symptoms of +the Novel progressing_. + +ANSARD (_solus_). + +Where is Barnstaple? If he do not come soon, I shall have finished my +novel without a heroine. Well, I'm not the first person who has been +foiled by a woman. (_Continues to gnaw his pen in a brown study_.) + +BARNSTAPLE _enters unperceived, and slaps_ ANSARD _on the shoulder. The +latter starts up_. + +_B_. So, friend Ansard, making your dinner off your pen: it is not +every novel-writer who can contrive to do that even in anticipation. +Have you profited by my instructions? + +_A_. I wish I had. I assure you that this light diet has not +contributed, as might be expected, to assist a heavy head, and one +feather is not sufficient to enable my genius to take wing. If the +public knew what dull work it is to write a novel, they would not be +surprised at finding them dull reading. _Ex nihilo nihil fit_. +Barnstaple, I am at the very bathos of stupidity. + +_B_. You certainly were absorbed when I entered, for I introduced +myself. + +_A_. I wish you had introduced another personage with you--you would +have been doubly welcome. + +_B_. Who is that? + +_A_. My heroine. I have followed your instructions to the letter. My +hero is as listless as I fear my readers will be, and he is not yet in +love. In fact, he is only captivated with himself. I have made him +dismiss Coridon. + +_B_. Hah! how did you manage that? + +_A_. He was sent to ascertain the arms on the panel of a carriage. In +his eagerness to execute his master's wishes, he came home with a +considerable degree of perspiration on his brow, for which offence he +was immediately put out of doors. + +_B_. Bravo--it was unpardonable--but still-- + +_A_. O! I know what you mean--that is all arranged; he has an annuity +of one hundred pounds per annum. + +_B_. My dear Ansard, you have exceeded my expectations; but now for the +heroine. + +_A_. Yes, indeed; help me--for I have exhausted all my powers. + +_B_. It certainly requires much tact to present your heroine to your +readers. We are unfortunately denied what the ancients were so happy to +possess,--a whole _cortege_ of divinities that might be summoned to help +any great personage in, or the author out of, a difficulty; but since we +cannot command their assistance, like the man in the play who forgot his +part, we will do without it. Now, have you thought of nothing new, for +we must not plagiarise even from fashionable novels? + +_A_. I have thought--and thought--and can find nothing new, unless we +bring her in in a whirlwind: that has not yet been attempted. + +_B_. A whirlwind! I don't know--that's hazardous. Nevertheless, if +she were placed on a beetling cliff, overhanging the tempestuous ocean, +lashing the rocks with its wild surge; of a sudden, after she has been +permitted to finish her soliloquy, a white cloud rising rapidly and +unnoticed--the sudden vacuum--the rush of mighty winds through the +majestic and alpine scenery--the vortex gathering round her--first +admiring the vast efforts of nature; then astonished; and, lastly, +alarmed, as she finds herself compelled to perform involuntary +gyrations, till at length she spins round like a well-whipped top, +nearing the dangerous edge of the precipice. It is bold, and certainly +quite novel--I think it will do. Portray her delicate little feet, +peeping out, pointing downwards, the force of the elements raising her +on her tip toes, now touching, now disdaining the earth. Her dress +expanded wide like that of Herbele in her last and best pirouette-- +round, round she goes--her white arms are tossed frantically in the air. +Corinne never threw herself into more graceful attitudes. Now is seen +her diminishing ankle--now the rounded symmetry--mustn't go too high up +though--the wind increases--her distance from the edge of the precipice +decreases--she has no breath left to shriek--no power to fall-- +threatened to be ravished by the wild and powerful god of the elements-- +she is discovered by the Honourable Augustus Bouverie, who has just +finished his soliloquy upon another adjacent hill. He delights in her +danger--before he rushes to her rescue, makes one pause for the purpose +of admiration, and another for the purpose of adjusting his shirt +collar. + +_A_. The devil he does! + +_B_. To be sure. The hero of a fashionable novel never loses caste. +Whether in a storm, a whirlwind, up to his neck in the foaming ocean, or +tumbling down a precipice, he is still the elegant and correct +Honourable Augustus Bouverie. To punish you for your interruption, I +have a great mind to make him take a pinch of snuff before he starts. +Well--he flies to her assistance--is himself caught in the rushing +vortex, which prevents him from getting nearer to the lady, and, despite +of himself, takes to whirling in the opposite direction. They +approach--they recede--she shrieks without being heard--holds out her +arms for help--she would drop them in despair, but cannot, for they are +twisted over her head by the tremendous force of the element. One +moment they are near to each other, and the next they are separated; at +one instant they are close to the abyss, and the waters below roar in +delight of their anticipated victims, and in the next a favouring change +of the vortex increases their distance from the danger--there they +spin--and there you may leave them, and commence a new chapter. + +_A_. But is not all this naturally and physically impossible? + +_B_. By no means; there is nothing supernatural in a whirlwind, and the +effect of a whirlwind is to twist everything round. Why should the +heroine and the Honourable Augustus Bouverie not be submitted to the +laws of nature? besides, we are writing a fashionable novel. Wild and +improbable as this whirlwind may appear, it is within the range of +probability: whereas, that is not at all adhered to in many novels-- +witness the drinking scene in --, and others equally _outrees_, in which +the author, having turned probability out of doors, ends by throwing +possibility out of the window--leaving folly and madness to usurp their +place--and play a thousand antics for the admiration of the public, who, +pleased with novelty, cry out "How fine!" + +_A_. Buy the book, and laud the author. + +_B_. Exactly. Now, having left your hero and heroine in a situation +peculiarly interesting, with the greatest nonchalance, pass over to the +continent, rave on the summit of Mont Blanc, and descant upon the strata +which compose the mountains of the Moon in Central Africa. You have +been philosophical, now you must be geological. No one can then say +that your book is light reading. + +_A_. That can be said of few novels. In most of them even smoke +assumes the ponderosity of lead. + +_B_. There is a metal still heavier, which they have the power of +creating--gold--to pay a dunning tailor's bill. + +_A_. But after being philosophical and geological, ought one not to be +a little moral. + +_B_. Pshaw! I thought you had more sense. The great art of +novel-writing is to make the vices glorious, by placing them in close +alliance with redeeming qualities. Depend upon it, Ansard, there is a +deeper, more heartfelt satisfaction that mere amusement in +novel-reading; a satisfaction no less real, because we will not own it +to ourselves; the satisfaction of seeing all our favourite and selfish +ideas dressed up in a garb so becoming, that we persuade ourselves that +our false pride is proper dignity, our ferocity courage, our cowardice +prudence, our irreligion liberality, and our baser appetites, mere +gallantry. + +_A_. Very true, Barnstaple; but really I do not like this whirlwind. + +_B_. Well, well! I give it up then: it was your own idea. We'll try +again. Cannot you create some difficulty or dilemma, in which to throw +her, so that the hero may come to her rescue with _eclat_. + +_A_. Her grey palfrey takes fright. + +_B_. So will your readers; stale--quite stale! + +_A_. A wild bull has his horns close to her, and is about to toss her. + +_B_. As your book would be!--away with contempt. Vapid--quite vapid! + +_A_. A shipwreck--the waves are about to close over her. + +_B_. Your book would be closed at the same moment--worn out--quite worn +out. + +_A_. In the dead of the night, a fire breaks out--she is already in the +midst of the flames-- + +_B_. Where your book would also be by the disgusted reader--worse and +worse. + +_A_. Confound it--you will not allow me to expose her to earth, air, +fire, or water. I have a great mind to hang her in her garters, and +make the hero come and cut her down. + +_B_. You might do worse--and better. + +_A_. What--hang myself? + +_B_. That certainly would put an end to all your difficulties. But, +Ansard, I think I can put your heroine in a situation really critical +and eminently distressing, and the hero shall come to her relief, like +the descent of a god to the rescue of a Greek or Trojan warrior. + +_A_. Or of Bacchus to Ariadne in her distress. + +_B_. Perhaps a better simile. The consequence will be, that eternal +gratitude in the bosom of the maiden will prove the parent of eternal +love, which eternity of passion will of course until they are married. + +_A_. I'm all attention. + +_B_. Get up a splendid dinner party for their first casual meeting. +Place the company at table. + +_A_. Surely you are not going to choke her with the bone of a chicken. + +_B_. You surely are about to murder me, as Sampson did the +Philistines-- + +_A_. With the jaw-bone of a fashionable novel-writer, you mean. + +_B_. Exactly. But to proceed:--they are seated at table; can you +describe a grand dinner? + +_A_. Certainly, I have partaken of more than one. + +_B_. Where? + +_A_. I once sat down three hundred strong at the Freemasons' Tavern. + +_B_. Pshaw! a mere hog feed. + +_A_. Well, then, I dined with the late lord mayor. + +_B_. Still worse. My dear Ansard, it is however of no consequence. +Nothing is more difficult to attain, yet nothing is more easy to +describe, than a good dinner. I was once reading a very fashionable +novel by a very fashionable bookseller, for the author is a mere +nonentity, and was very much surprised at the accuracy with which a good +dinner was described. The mystery was explained a short time +afterwards, when casually taking up Eustache Eude's book in Sams's +library, I found that the author had copied it out exactly from the +injunctions of that celebrated gastronome. You can borrow the book. + +_A_. Well, we will suppose that done; but I am all anxiety to know what +is the danger from which the heroine is to be rescued. + +_B_. I will explain. There are two species of existence--that of mere +mortal existence, which is of little consequence, provided, like Caesar, +the hero and heroine die decently: the other is of much greater +consequence, which is fashionable existence. Let them once lose caste +in that respect, and they are virtually dead, and one mistake, one +oversight, is a death-blow for which there is no remedy, and from which +there is no recovery. For instance, we will suppose our heroine to be +quite confounded with the appearance of our hero--to have become +_distraite, reveuse_--and, in short, to have lost her recollection and +presence of mind. She has been assisted to _filet de soles_. Say that +the only sauce ever taken with them is _au macedoine_--this is offered +to her, and, at the same time, another, which to eat with the above dish +would be unheard of. In her distraction she is about to take the wrong +sauce--actually at the point of ruining herself for ever and committing +suicide upon her fashionable existence, while the keen grey eyes of Sir +Antinous Antibes, the arbiter of fashion, are fixed upon her. At this +awful moment, which is for ever to terminate her fashionable existence, +the Honourable Augustus Bouverie, who sits next to her, gently touches +her _seduisante_ sleeve--blandly smiling, he whispers to her that the +_other_ is the sauce _macedoine_. She perceives her mistake, trembles +at her danger, rewards him with a smile, which penetrates into the +deepest recesses of his heart, helps herself to the right sauce, darts a +look of contemptuous triumph upon Sir Antinous Antibes, and, while she +is dipping her sole into the sauce, her soul expands with gratitude and +love. + +_A_. I see, I see. Many thanks; my heroine is now a fair counterpart +of my hero. + + "Ah, sure a pair were never seen, + So justly form'd to meet by nature." + +_B_. And now I'll give you another hint, since you appear grateful. It +is a species of clap-trap in a novel, which always takes--to wit, a rich +old uncle or misanthrope, who, at the very time that he is bitterly +offended and disgusted with the hero, who is in awkward circumstances, +pulls out a pocketbook and counts down, say fifteen or twenty thousand +pounds in bank notes, to relieve him from his difficulties. An old coat +and monosyllables will increase the interest. + +_A_. True. (_sighing_.) Alas! there are no such uncles in real life; +I wish there were. + +_B_. I beg your pardon; I know no time in which _my uncle_ forks out +more bank notes than at present. + +_A_. Yes, but it is for value, or more than value, received. + +_B_. That I grant; but I am afraid it is the only "uncle" left now; +except in a fashionable novel. But you comprehend the value of this new +auxiliary. + +_A_. Nothing can be better. Barnstaple, you are really --, but I say +no more. If a truly great man cannot be flattered with delicacy, it +must not be attempted at all; silence then becomes the best tribute. +Your advice proves you to be truly great. I am silent, therefore you +understand the full force of the oratory of my thanks. + +_B (bowing_.) Well, Ansard, you have found out the cheapest way of +paying off your bills of gratitude I ever heard of. "Poor, even in +thanks," was well said by Shakespeare; but you, it appears, are rich, in +having nothing at all wherewith to pay. If you could transfer the same +doctrine to your tradesmen, you need not write novels. + +_A_. Alas! my dear fellow, mine is not yet written. There is one +important feature, nay, the most important feature of all--the style of +language, the diction--on that, Barnstaple, you have not yet +doctrinated. + +_B (pompously_.) When Demosthenes was asked what were the principal +attributes of eloquence, he answered, that the first was action; on +being asked which was the second, he replied, action; and the third, +action; and such is the idea of the Irish _mimbers_ in the House of +Commons. Now there are three important requisites in the diction of a +fashionable novel. The first, my dear fellow, is--flippancy; the +second, flippancy; and flippancy is also the third. With the dull it +will pass for wit, with some it will pass for scorn,--and even the witty +will not be enabled to point out the difference, without running the +risk of being considered invidious. It will cover every defect with a +defect still greater; for who can call small beer tasteless when it is +sour, or dull when it is bottled and has a froth upon it? + +_A_. The advice is excellent; but I fear that this flippancy is as +difficult to acquire an the tone of true eloquence. + +_B_. Difficult! I defy the writers of the silver-fork school to write +out of the style flippant. Read but one volume of --, and you will be +saturated with it; but if you wish to go to the fountain-head, do as +have done most of the late fashionable novel-writers, repair to their +instructors--the lady's-maid, for flippancy in the vein _spirituelle_! +to a London footman for the vein critical; but, if you wish a flippancy +of a still higher order, at once more solemn and more empty, which I +would call the vein political, read the speeches of some of our members +of Parliament. Only read them, I wish no man so ill an to inflict upon +him the torture of hearing them--read them, I say, and you will have +taken the very highest degree in the order of inane flippancy. + +_A_. I see it at once. Your observations are as true as they are +severe. When we would harangue geese, we must condescend to hiss; but +still, my dear Barnstaple, though you have fully proved to me that in a +fashionable novel all plot is unnecessary, don't you think there ought +to be a catastrophe, or sort of a kind of an end to the work, or the +reader may be brought up short, or as the sailors say, "all standing," +when he comes to the word "Finis," and exclaim with an air of +stupefaction--"And then--" + +_B_. And then, if he did, it would be no more than the fool deserved. +I don't know whether it would not be advisable to leave off in the +middle of a sentence, of a word, nay of a syllable, if it be possible: I +am sure the winding-up would be better than the lackadaisical +running-down of most of the fashionable novels. Snap the mainspring of +your watch, and none but an ass can expect you to tell by it what it is +o'clock; snap the thread of your narrative in the same way, and he must +be an unreasonable being who would expect a reasonable conclusion. +Finish thus, in a case of delicate distress; say, "The Honourable Mr +Augustus Bouverie was struck in a heap with horror. He rushed with a +frantic grace, a deliberate haste, and a graceful awkwardness, and +whispered in her ear these dread and awful words, `IT IS TOO LATE!'" +Follow up with a -- and Finis. + +_A_. I see; the fair and agitated reader will pass a sleepless night in +endeavouring to decipher the mutilated sentence. She will fail, and +consequently call the book delightful. But should there not have been a +marriage previously to this happy awful climax? + +_B_. Yes; everything is arranged for the nuptials--carriages are sent +home, jewellery received but not paid for, dresses all tried on, the +party invited--nay, assembled in the blue-and-white drawing-room. The +right reverend my lord bishop is standing behind the temporary altar--he +has wiped his spectacles and thumbed his prayer-book--all eyes are +turned towards the door, which opens not--the bride faints, for the +bridegroom cometh not--he's not "i' the vein"--a something, as like +nothing as possible, has given him a disgust that is surmountable--he +flings his happiness to the winds, though he never loved with more +outrageous intensity than at the moment he discards his mistress; so he +fights three duels with the two brothers and father. He wounds one of +the young men dangerously, the other slightly; fires his pistol in the +air when he meets her father--for how could he take the life of him who +gave life to his adored one? Your hero can always hit a man just where +he pleases--vide every novel in Mr C's collection. The hero becomes +misanthropical, the heroine maniacal. The former marries an antiquated +and toothless dowager, as an escape from the imaginary disgust he took +at a sight of a matchless woman; and the latter marries an old brute, +who threatens her life every night, and puts her in bodily fear every +morning, as an indemnity in full for the loss of the man of her +affections. They are both romantically miserable; and then comes on +your tantalising scenes of delicate distress, and so the end of your +third volume, and then finish without any end at all. _Verb. sap. sat_. +Or, if you like it better, kill the old dowager of a surfeit, and make +the old brute who marries the heroine commit suicide; and, after all +these unheard-of trials, marry them as fresh and beautiful as ever. + +_A_. A thousand thanks. Your _verba_ are not thrown to a _sap_. Can I +possibly do you any favour for all this kindness? + +_B_. Oh, my dear fellow! the very greatest. As I see yours will be, at +all points, a most fashionable novel, do me the inestimable favour _not_ +to ask me _to read it_. + + + +CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT. + +HOW TO WRITE A BOOK OF TRAVELS. + +MR ANSARD'S _Chambers_. + +_Ansard_. (alone.) Well, I thought it hard enough to write a novel at +the dictate of the bibliopolist; but to be condemned to sit down and +write my travels--travels that have never extended farther than the +Lincoln's Inn Coffee House for my daily food, and a walk to Hampstead on +a Sunday. These travels to be swelled into Travels up the Rhine in the +year 18--. Why, it's impossible. O that Barnstaple were here, for he +has proved my guardian angel! Lazy, clever dog! + +_Enter_ BARNSTAPLE. + +_Barnstaple_. Pray, my dear Ansard, to whom did you apply that last +epithet? + +_Ansard_. My dear Barnstaple, I never was more happy to see you. Sit +down, I have much to tell you, all about myself and my difficulties. + +_Barnstaple_. The conversation promises to be interesting to me, at all +events. + +_Ansard_. Everything is interesting to true friendship. + +_Barnstaple_. Now I perceive that you do want something. Well, before +you state your case, tell me, how did the novel go off? + +_Ansard_. Wonderfully well. It was ascribed to Lord G--: the bait +took, and 750 went off in a first edition, and the remainder of the +copies printed went off in a second. + +_Barnstaple_. Without being reprinted? + +_Ansard_. Exactly. I was surprised at my success, and told my +publisher so; but he answered that he could sell an edition of any trash +he pleased. + +_Barnstaple_. That was not flattering. + +_Ansard_. Not very; but his bill was honoured, and that consoled me. +However, to proceed to business--he has given me another order--A +Journey up the Rhine, in two volumes, large octavo, in the year 18--. +Now, Barnstaple, what's to be done? + +_Barnstaple_. Write it, to be sure. + +_Ansard_. But you well know I have never been out of England in my +life. + +_Barnstaple_. Never mind, write it. + +_Ansard_. Yes, it's very well to say write it; but how the devil am I +to write it? Write what I have never seen--detail events which never +occurred--describe views of that which I have not even an idea--travel +post in my old arm-chair. It's all very well to say write it, but tell +me, how. + +_Barnstaple_. I say again, write it, and pocket the money. Ansard, +allow me to state that you are a greenhorn. I will make this mountain +of difficulties vanish and melt away like snow before the powerful rays +of the sun. You are told to write what you have never seen; but if you +have not, others have, which will serve your purpose just as well. To +detail events which have never occurred--invent them, they will be more +amusing. Describe views, etcetera, of which you are ignorant--so are +most of your readers; but have we not the art of engraving to assist +you? To travel post in your arm-chair--a very pleasant and a very +profitable way of travelling, as you have not to pay for the horses and +postilions, and are not knocked to pieces by continental roads. Depend +upon it, the best travels are those written at home, by those who have +never put their foot into the Calais packet-boat. + +_Ansard_. To me this is all a mystery. I certainly must be a +greenhorn, as you observe. + +_Barnstaple_. Why, Ansard, my dear fellow, with a book of roads and a +gazetteer, I would write a more amusing book of travels than one half +which are now foisted on the public. All you have to do is to fill up +the chinks. + +_Ansard_. All I want to do is to fill up the chinks in my stomach, +Barnstaple; for, between you and me, times are rather queer. + +_Barnstaple_. You shall do it, if you will follow my advice. I taught +you how to write a fashionable novel; it will be hard, indeed, if I +cannot send you up the Rhine. One little expense must be incurred--you +must subscribe a quarter to a circulating library, for I wish that what +you do should be well done. + +_Ansard_. Barnstaple, I will subscribe to--anything. + +_Barnstaple_. Well, then, since you are so reasonable, I will proceed. +You must wade through all the various "Journeys on the Rhine", "Two +Months on the Rhine", "Autumns on the Rhine," etcetera, which you can +collect. This you will find the most tiresome part of your task. +Select one as your guide, one who has a reputation; follow his course, +not exactly--that I will explain afterwards--and agree with him in every +thing, generally speaking. Praise his exactitude and fidelity, and +occasionally quote him; this is but fair; after you rob a man (and I +intend you shall rifle him most completely), it is but decent to give +him kind words. All others you must abuse, contradict, and depreciate. +Now, there is a great advantage in so doing: in the first place, you +make the best writer your friend--he forgets your larcenies in your +commendation of him, and in your abuse of others. If his work be +correct, so must yours be; he praises it everywhere--perhaps finds you +out, and asks you to dine with him. + +_Ansard_. How should I ever look at his injured face? + +_Barnstaple_. On the contrary, he is the obliged party--your travels +are a puff to his own. + +_Ansard_. But, Barnstaple, allowing that I follow this part of your +advice, which I grant to be very excellent, how can I contradict others, +when they may be, and probably are, perfectly correct in their +assertions? + +_Barnstaple_. If they are so, virtue must be its own reward. It is +necessary that you write a book of travels, and all travellers +contradict each other--ergo, you must contradict, or nobody will believe +that you have travelled. Not only contradict, but sneer at them. + +_Ansard_. Well, now do explain how that is to be done. + +_Barnstaple_. Nothing more simple: for instance, a man measures a +certain remarkable piece of antiquity--its length is 747 feet. You must +measure it over again, and declare that he is in error, that it is only +727. To be sure of your being correct, measure it _twice_ over, and +then convict him. + +_Ansard_. But surely, Barnstaple, one who has measured it is more +likely to be correct than one who has not. + +_Barnstaple_. I'll grant you that he is correct to half an inch--that's +no matter. The public will, in all probability, believe you, because +you are the last writer, and because you have _decreased_ the +dimensions. Travellers are notorious for amplification, and if the +public do not believe you, let them go and measure it themselves. + +_Ansard_. A third traveller may hereafter measure it, and find that I +am in the wrong. + +_Barnstaple_. Ten to one if you are not both in the wrong; but what +matter will that be? your book will have been sold. + +_Ansard_. Most true, O king! I perceive now the general outline, and I +feel confident that, with your kind assistance, I may accomplish it. +But, Barnstaple, the beginning is everything. If I only had the first +chapter as a start, I think I could get on. It is the _modus_ that I +want--the style. A first chapter would be a key-note for the remainder +of the tune, with all the variations. + +_Barnstaple_. Well, then, take up your pen. But before I commence, it +may be as well to observe, that there is a certain method required, even +in writing travels. In every chapter you should have certain landmarks +to guide you. For instance, enumerate the following, and select the +works from which they may be obtained, so as to mix up the instructive +with the amusing. Travelling--remarks on country passed through-- +anecdote--arrival at a town--churches--population--historical remarks-- +another anecdote--eating and drinking--natural curiosities--egotism-- +remarks on the women (never mind the men)--another anecdote-- +reflections--an adventure--and go to bed. You understand, Ansard, that +in these memoranda you have all that is required; the rule is not to be +followed absolutely, but generally. As you observed, such is to be the +tune, but your variations may be infinite. When at a loss, or you think +you are dull, always call in a grisette, and a little mystery; and, +above all, never be afraid of talking too much about yourself. + +_Ansard_. Many, many thanks; but now, my dear Barnstaple, for the first +chapter. + +_Barnstaple_. Let your style be flowery--I should say florid--never +mind a false epithet or two in a page, they will never be observed. A +great deal depends upon the first two pages--you must not limp at +starting; we will, therefore, be particular. Take your pen. + + [BARNSTAPLE _muses for a while, and then continues_.] +"A severe cough, which refused to yield even to the balmy influence of +the genial spring of 18--, and threatened a pulmonary complaint, induced +me to yield to the reiterated persuasions of my physicians to try a +change of air, as most likely to ward off the threatened danger. Where +to direct my steps was the difficult point to ascertain. Brighton, +Torquay, Cromer, Ilfracombe, had all been visited and revisited. At +either of these fashionable resorts I was certain to fall in with a +numerous acquaintance, whose persuasions would have induced me to depart +from that regularity of diet and of rest, so imperiously insisted upon +by my medical advisers. After much cogitation, I resolved upon a +journey up the Rhine, and to escape the ruthless winter of our northern +clime in the more genial land of history." + +_Ansard_. Land of history--I presume you mean Italy; but am I to go +there? + +_Barnstaple_. No, you may recover, and come back again to skate upon +the Serpentine, if you please. You observe, Ansard, I have not made you +a fellow with 50 pounds in his pocket, setting out to turn it into 300 +pounds by a book of travels. I have avoided mention of Margate, +Ramsgate, Broadstairs, and all common watering-places; I have talked of +physicians in the plural; in short, no one who reads that paragraph, but +will suppose that you are a young man of rank and fortune, to whom money +is no object, and who spends hundreds to cure that which might be +effected by a little regularity, and a few doses of ipecacuanha. + +_Ansard_. I wish it were so. Nevertheless, I'll travel _en grand +seigneur_--thats more agreeable even in imagination, than being rumbled +in a "_diligence_." + +_Barnstaple_. And will produce more respect for your work, I can assure +you. But to proceed. Always, when you leave England, talk about +_hospitality_. The English like it. Have you no relations or friends +in whose opinion you wish to stand well? Public mention in print does +wonders, especially with a copy handsomely bound "from the author." + +_Ansard_. Really, Barnstaple, I do not know any one. My poor mother is +in Cumberland, and that is not _en route_. I have a maternal uncle of +the name of Forster, who lives on the road--a rich, old, miserly +bachelor; but I can't say much for his hospitality. I have called upon +him twice, and he has never even asked me to dinner. + +_Barnstaple_. Never mind. People like being praised for a virtue which +they do not possess--it may prove a legacy. Say, then, that you quitted +the hospitable roof of your worthy and excellent-hearted relation, Mr +Forster and felt-- + +_Ansard_. Felt how? + +_Barnstaple_. How--why you felt, as he wrung your hand, that there was +a sudden dissolution of the ties of kindred and affection. + +_Ansard_. There always has been in that quarter, so my conscience is so +far clear. + +_Barnstaple_. You arrive at Dovor (mind you spell it Dovor)--go to bed +tired and reflective--embark early the next morning--a rough passage-- + +_Ansard_. And sea-sick, of course? + +_Barnstaple_. No, Ansard; there I'll give you a proof of my tact--you +shan't be sea-sick. + +_Ansard_. But I'm sure I should be. + +_Barnstaple_. All travellers are, and all fill up a page or two with +complaints, _ad nauseam_--for that reason sick you shall not be. +Observe--to your astonishment you are not sea-sick: the other passengers +suffer dreadfully; one young dandy puffs furiously at a cigar in +bravado, until he sends it over the side, like an arrow from the +blow-pipe of a South American Indian. Introduce a husband with a pretty +wife--he jealous as a dog, until he is sick as a cat--your attentions-- +she pillowed on your arms, while he hangs over the lee gunwale--her +gratitude--safe arrival at Calais--sweet smiles of the lady--sullen +deportment of the gentleman--a few hints--and draw the veil. Do you +understand? + +_Ansard_. Perfectly. I can manage all that. + +_Barnstaple_. Then when you put your foot on shore, you must, for the +first time, _feel sea-sick_. + +_Ansard_. On shore? + +_Barnstaple_. Yes; reel about, not able to stand--every symptom as if +on board. Express your surprise at the strange effect, pretend not to +explain it, leave that to medical men, it being sufficient for you to +state the _fact_. + +_Ansard_. The _fact_! O Barnstaple! + +_Barnstaple_. That will be a great hit for a first chapter. You +reverse the order of things. + +_Ansard_. That I do most certainly. Shall I finish the first chapter +with that _fact_? + +_Barnstaple_. No. Travellers always go to bed at the end of each +chapter. It is a wise plan, and to a certain degree it must be +followed. You must have a baggage adventure--be separated from it--some +sharp little urchin has seized upon your valise--it is nowhere to be +found--quite in despair--walk to the Hotel d'Angleterre, and find that +you are met by the landlord and garcons, who inform you that your +carriage is in the remise, and your rooms ready--ascend to your +bedroom--find that your baggage is not only there, but neatly laid out-- +your portmanteau unstrapped--your trunk uncorded--and the little rascal +of a commissaire standing by with his hat in his hand, and a smile _de +malice_, having installed _himself_ as your _domestique de place_--take +him for his impudence--praise the "_Cotelettes_ and the _vin de +Beaune_"--wish the reader good night, and go to bed. Thus ends the +first chapter. + +[ANSARD _gets up and takes_ BARNSTAPLE'S _hand, which he shakes warmly +without speaking_. BARNSTAPLE _smiles and walks out_. ANSARD _is left +hard at work at his desk_.] + +ARTHUR ANSARD _in his Chambers, solus, with his pen in his hand_. + +_Ansard_. Capital! that last was a _hit_. It has all the appearance of +reality. To be sure, I borrowed the hint, but that nobody will be able +to prove. (_Yawns_.) Heigho! I have only got half way on my journey +yet, and my ideas are quite exhausted. I am as much worn out and +distressed as one of the German post-horses which I described in my last +chapter. (_Nods, and then falls fast asleep_.) + +BARNSTAPLE _taps at the door; receiving no answer, he enters_. + +_Barnstaple_. So--quite fast. What can have put him to sleep? (_Reads +the manuscript on the table_.) No wonder, enough to put anybody to +sleep apparently. Why, Ansard! + +_Ansard_. (_starting up, still half asleep_.) Already? Why, I've +hardly shut my eyes. Well, I'll be dressed directly; let them get some +_cafe_ ready below. Henri, did you order the hind-spring to be +repaired! (_Nods again with his eyes shut_.) + +_Barnstaple_. Hallo! What now, Ansard, do you really think that you +are travelling? + +_Ansard_. (_waking up_). Upon my word, Barnstaple, I was so dreaming. +I thought I was in my bed at the Hotel de Londres, after the fatiguing +day's journey I described yesterday. I certainly have written myself +into the conviction that I was travelling post. + +_Barnstaple_. All the better--you have embodied yourself in your own +work, which every writer of fiction ought to do; but they can seldom +attain to such a desideratum. Now, tell me, how do you get on? + +_Ansard_. Thank you--pretty well. I have been going it with four +post-horses these last three weeks. + +_Barnstaple_. And how far have you got? + +_Ansard_. Half way--that is, into the middle of my second volume. But +I'm very glad that you're come to my assistance, Barnstaple; for to tell +you the truth, I was breaking down. + +_Barnstaple_. Yes, you said something about the hind-spring of your +carriage. + +_Ansard_. That I can repair without your assistance; but my spirits are +breaking down. I want society. This travelling post is dull work. +Now, if I could introduce a companion-- + +_Barnstaple_. So you shall. At the next town that you stop at, buy a +_Poodle_. + +_Ansard_. A _Poodle_! Barnstaple? How the devil shall I be assisted +by a poodle? + +_Barnstaple_. He will prove a more faithful friend to you in your +exigence, and a better companion than one of your own species. A male +companion, after all, is soon expended, and a female, which would be +more agreeable, is not admissible. If you admit a young traveller into +your carriage--what then? He is handsome, pleasant, romantic, and so +forth; but you must not give his opinions in contradiction to your own, +and if they coincide, it is superfluous. Now, a poodle is a dog of +parts, and it is more likely that you fall in with a sagacious dog than +with a sagacious man. The poodle is the thing; you must recount your +meeting, his purchase, size, colour, and qualifications, and anecdotes +of his sagacity, vouched for by the landlord, and all the _garcons_ of +the hotel. As you proceed on your travels, his attachment to you +increases, and wind up every third chapter with "your faithful Mouton." + +_Ansard_. Will not all that be considered frivolous? + +_Barnstaple_. Frivolous! by no means. The frivolous will like it, and +those who may have more sense, although they may think that Mouton does +not at all assist your travelling researches, are too well acquainted +with the virtues of the canine race, and the attachment insensibly +imbibed for so faithful an attendant, not to forgive your affectionate +mention of him. Besides it will go far to assist the verisimilitude of +your travels. As for your female readers, they will prefer Mouton even +to you. + +_Ansard_. All-powerful and mighty magician, whose wand of humbug, like +that of Aaron's, swallows up all others, not excepting that of divine +Truth, I obey you! Mouton shall be summoned to my aid: he shall +flourish, and my pen shall flourish in praise of his endless +perfections. But, Barnstaple, what shall I give for him? + +_Barnstaple_. (_thinks awhile_.) Not less than forty louis. + +_Ansard_. Forty louis for a poodle! + +_Barnstaple_. Most certainly; not a sou less. The value of any thing +in the eyes of the world is exactly what it costs. Mouton, at a +five-franc piece, would excite no interest; and his value to the reader +will increase in proportion to his price, which will be considered an +undeniable proof of all his wonderful sagacity, with which you are to +amuse the reader. + +_Ansard_. But in what is to consist his sagacity? + +_Barnstaple_. He must do everything but speak. Indeed, he must so far +speak as to howl the first part of "Lieber Augustin." + +_Ansard_. His instinct shall put our boasted reason to the blush. +But--I think I had better not bring him home with me. + +_Barnstaple_. Of course not. In the first place, it's absolutely +necessary to kill him, lest his reputation should induce people to seek +him out, which they would do, although, in all probability, they never +will his master. Lady Cork would certainly invite him to a literary +_soiree_. You must therefore kill him in the most effective way +possible, and you will derive the advantage of filling up at least ten +pages with his last moments--licking your hand, your own lamentations, +violent and inconsolable grief on the part of Henri, and tanning his +skin as a memorial. + +_Ansard_. A beautiful episode, for which receive my best thanks. But, +Barnstaple, I have very few effective passages as yet. I have +remodelled several descriptions of mountains, precipices, waterfalls, +and such wonders of the creation--expressed my contempt and surprise at +the fear acknowledged by other travellers, in several instances. I have +lost my way twice--met three wolves--been four times benighted--and +indebted to lights at a distance for a bed at midnight, after the horses +have refused to proceed. All is incident, and I am quite hard up for +description. Now, I have marked down a fine passage in --'s work--a +beautiful description of a cathedral with a grand procession. +(_Reads_.) "What with the effect of the sun's brightest beams upon the +ancient glass windows--various hues reflected upon the gothic pillars-- +gorgeousness of the procession--sacerdotal ornaments--tossing of +censers--crowds of people--elevation of the host, and sinking down of +the populace _en masse_." It really is a magnificent line of writing, +and which my work requires. One or two like that in my book would do +well to be quoted by impartial critics, before the public are permitted +to read it. But here, you observe, is a difficulty. I dare not borrow +the passage. + +_Barnstaple_. But you shall borrow it--you shall be even finer than he +is, and yet he shall not dare to accuse you of plagiarism. + +_Ansard_. How is that possible, my dear Barnstaple? I am all +impatience. + +_Barnstaple_. His description is at a certain hour of the day. All you +have to do is to portray the scene in nearly the same words. You have +as much right to visit a cathedral as he has, and as for the rest--here +is the secret. You must visit it at _night_. Instead of "glorious +beams," you will talk of "pale melancholy light;" instead of "the +stained windows throwing their various hues upon the gothic pile," you +must "darken the massive pile, and light up the windows with the silver +rays of the moon." The glorious orb of day must give place to thousands +of wax tapers--the splendid fret--work of the roof you must regret was +not to be clearly distinguished--but you must be in ecstasies with the +broad light and shade--the blaze at the altar--solemn hour of night-- +feelings of awe--half a Catholic--religious reflections, etcetera. +Don't you perceive? + +_Ansard_. I do. Like the rest of my work, it shall be all _moonshine_. +It shall be done, Barnstaple; but have you not another idea or two to +help me with? + +_Barnstaple_. Have you talked about cooks? + +_Ansard_. As yet, not a word. + +_Barnstaple_. By this time you ought to have some knowledge of +gastronomy. Talk seriously about eating. + +_Ansard_. (_writes_.) I have made a memo. + +_Barnstaple_. Have you had no affront? + +_Ansard_. Not one. + +B. Then be seriously affronted--complain to the burgomaster, or mayor, +or commandant, whoever it may be--they attempt to bully--you are +resolute and firm as an Englishman--insist upon being righted--they must +make you a thousand apologies. This will tickle the national vanity, +and be read with interest. + +_Ansard_. (_writes_.) I have been affronted. Anything else which may +proceed from your prolific brain, Barnstaple? + +_Barnstaple_. Have you had a serious illness? + +_Ansard_. Never complained even of a headache. + +_Barnstaple_. Then do everything but die--Henri weeping and +inconsolable--Mouton howling at the foot of your bed--kick the surgeons +out of the room--and cure yourself with three dozen of champagne. + +_Ansard_. (_writes_.) Very sick--cured with three dozen of champagne-- +I wish the illness would in reality come on, if I were certain of the +cure _gratis_. Go on, my dear Barnstaple. + +_Barnstaple_. You may work in an episode here--delirium--lucid +intervals--gentle female voice--delicate attentions--mysterious +discovery from loquacious landlady--eternal gratitude--but no marriage-- +an apostrophe--and all the rest left to conjecture. + +_Ansard_. (_writes down_.) Silent attentions--conjecture--I can manage +that, I think. + +_Barnstaple_. By the bye, have you brought in Madame de Stael? + +_Ansard_. No--how the devil am I to bring her in? + +_Barnstaple_. As most other travellers do, by the head and shoulders. +Never mind that, so long as you bring her in. + +_Ansard_. (_writes_). Madame de Stael by the shoulders--that's not +very polite towards a lady. These hints are invaluable; pray go on. + +_Barnstaple_. Why, you have already more hints this morning than are +sufficient for three volumes. But, however, let me see. (_Barnstaple +thinks a little_). Find yourself short of cash. + +_Ansard_. A sad reality, Barnstaple. I shall write this part well, for +truth will guide my pen. + +_Barnstaple_. All the better. But to continue--no remittances--awkward +position--explain your situation--receive credit to any amount--and +compliment your countrymen. + +_Ansard_. (_writes_.) Credit to any amount--pleasing idea. But I +don't exactly perceive the value of this last hint, Barnstaple. + +_Barnstaple_. All judicious travellers make it a point, throughout the +whole of their works, to flatter the nation upon its wealth, name, and +reputation in foreign countries; by doing so you will be read greedily, +and praised in due proportion. If ever I were to write my travels into +the interior of Africa, or to the North Pole, I would make it a point to +discount a bill at Timbuctoo, or get a cheque cashed by the Esquimaux, +without the least hesitation in either case. I think now, that what +with your invention, your plagiarism, and my hints, you ought to produce +a very effective Book of Travels; and with that feeling I shall leave +you to pursue your Journey, and receive, at its finale, your just +reward. When we meet again, I hope to see you advertised. + +_Ansard_. Yes, but not exposed, I trust. I am _incognito_, you know. + +_Barnstaple_. To be sure, that will impart an additional interest to +your narrative. All the world will be guessing who you may be. Adieu, +voyageur. [_Exit_ BARNSTAPLE.] + +_Ansard_. And Heaven forfend that they should find me out! But what +can be done? In brief, I cannot get a brief, and thus I exercise my +professional acquirements how I can, proving myself as long-winded, as +prosy perhaps, and certainly as lying, as the more fortunate of my +fraternity. + + + +CHAPTER FORTY NINE. + +HOW TO WRITE A ROMANCE. + +MR ARTHUR ANSARD, _standing at his table, selecting a steel pen from a +card on which a dozen are ranged up, like soldiers on parade_. + +I must find a regular _graver_ to write this chapter of horrors. No +goose quill could afford me any assistance. Now then. Let me +see--(_Reads, and during his reading_ BARNSTAPLE _comes in at the door +behind him, unperceived_.) "At this most monstrously appalling sight, +the hair of Piftlianteriscki raised slowly the velvet cap from off his +head, as if it had been perched upon the rustling quills of some +exasperated porcupine--(I think that's new)--his nostrils dilated to +that extent that you might, with ease, have thrust a musket bullet into +each--his mouth was opened so wide, so unnaturally wide, that the +corners were rent asunder, and the blood slowly trickled down each side +of his bristly chin--while each tooth loosened from its socket with +individual fear.--Not a word could he utter, for his tongue, in its +fright, clung with terror to his upper jaw, as tight as do the bellies +of the fresh and slimy soles, paired together by some fisherwoman; but +if his tongue was paralysed, his heart was not--it throbbed against his +ribs with a violence which threatened their dislocation from the +sternum, and with a sound which reverberated through the dark, damp +subterrene--" I think that will do. There's _force_ there. + +_Barnstaple_. There is, with a vengeance. Why, what is all this? + +_Ansard_. My dear Barnstaple, you here! I'm writing a romance for B--. +It is to be supposed to be a translation. + +_Barnstaple_. The Germans will be infinitely obliged to you; but, my +dear fellow, you appear to have fallen into the old school--that's no +longer in vogue. + +_Ansard_. My orders are for the old school. B-- was most particular on +that point. He says that there is a re-action--a great re-action. + +_Barnstaple_. What, on literature? Well, he knows as well as any man. +I only wish to God there was in everything else, and we could see the +good old times again. + +_Ansard_. To confess the truth, I did intend to have finished this +without saying a word to you. I wished to have surprised you. + +_Barnstaple_. So you have, my dear fellow, with the few lines I have +heard. How the devil are you to get your fellow out of that state of +asphyxia? + +_Ansard_. By degrees--slowly--very slowly--as they pretend that we +lawyers go to heaven. But I'll tell you what I have done, just to give +you an idea of my work. In the first place, I have a castle perched so +high up in the air, that the eagles, even in their highest soar, appear +but as wrens below. + +_Barnstaple_. That's all right. + +_Ansard_. And then it has subterraneous passages, to which the sewers +of London are a mere song; and they all lead to a small cave at +high-water mark on the sea-beach, covered with brambles and bushes, and +just large enough at its entrance to admit of a man squeezing himself +in: + +_Barnstaple_. That's all right. You cannot be too much underground; in +fact, the two first, and the best part of the third volume, should be +wholly in the bowels of the earth, and your hero and heroine should +never _come to light_ until the last chapter. + +_Ansard_. Then they would never have been born till then, and how could +I marry them? But still I have adhered pretty much to your idea; and, +Barnstaple, I have such a heroine--such a love--she has never seen her +sweetheart, yet she is most devotedly attached, and has suffered more +for his sake than any mortal could endure. + +_Barnstaple_. Most heroines generally do. + +_Ansard_. I have had her into various dungeons for three or four years, +on black bread and a broken pitcher of water--she has been starved to +death--lain for months and months upon wet straw--had two brain fevers-- +five times has she risked violation, and always has picked up, or found +in the belt of her infamous ravishers, a stiletto, which she has plunged +into their hearts, and they have expired with or without a groan. + +_Barnstaple_. Excellent: and of course comes out of her dungeons each +time as fresh, as sweet, as lovely, as pure, as charming, and as +constant as ever. + +_Ansard_. Exactly; nothing can equal her infinite variety of adventure, +and her imperishable beauty and unadhesive cleanliness of person; and, +as for lives, she has more than a thousand cats'. After nine months' +confinement in a dungeon, four feet square, when it is opened for her +release, the air is perfumed with the ambrosia which exhales from her +sweet person. + +_Barnstaple_. Of course it does. The only question is, what ambrosia +smells like. But let me know something about your hero. + +_Ansard_. He is a prince and a robber. + +_Barnstaple_. The two professions are not at all incompatible. Go on. + +_Ansard_. He is the chief of a band of robbers, and is here, there and +everywhere. He fills all Europe with terror, admiration, and love. + +_Barnstaple_. Very good. + +_Ansard_. His reasons for joining the robbers are, of course, a secret +(and upon my word they are equally a secret to myself); but it is +wonderful the implicit obedience of his men, and the many acts of +generosity of which he is guilty. I make him give away a great deal +more money than his whole band ever take, which is so far awkward, that +the query may arise in what way he keeps them together, and supplies +them with food and necessaries. + +_Barnstaple_. Of course with _IOUs_ upon his princely domains. + +_Ansard_. I have some very grand scenes, amazingly effective; for +instance, what do you think, at the moment after the holy mass has been +performed in Saint Peter's at Rome, just as the pope is about to put the +sacred wafer into his mouth and bless the whole world, I make him snatch +the wafer out of the pope's hand, and get clear off with it. + +_Barnstaple_. What for, may I ask? + +_Ansard_. That is a secret which I do not reveal. The whole +arrangement of that part of the plot is admirable. The band of robbers +are disguised as priests, and officiate, without being found out. + +_Barnstaple_. But isn't that rather sacrilegious? + +_Ansard_. No; it appears so to be, but he gives his reasons for his +behaviour to the pope, and the pope is satisfied, and not only gives him +his blessing, but shows him the greatest respect. + +_Barnstaple_. They must have been very weighty reasons. + +_Ansard_. And therefore they are not divulged. + +_Barnstaple_. That is to say, not until the end of the work. + +_Ansard_. They are never divulged at all; I leave a great deal to the +reader's imagination--people are fond of conjecture. All they know is, +that he boldly appears, and demands an audience. He is conducted in, +the interview is private, after a sign made by our hero, and at which +the pope almost leaps off the chair. After an hour he comes out again, +and the pope bows him to the very door. Every one is astonished, and, +of course, almost canonise him. + +_Barnstaple_. That's going it rather strong in a Catholic country. But +tell me, Ansard, what is your plot? + +_Ansard_. Plot; I have none. + +_Barnstaple_. No plot! + +_Ansard_. No plot, and all plot. I puzzle the reader with certain +materials. I have castles and dungeons, corridors and creaking doors, +good villains and bad villains. Chain armour and clank of armour, +daggers for gentlemen, and stilettoes for ladies. Dark forests and +brushwood, drinking scenes, eating scenes, and sleeping scenes--robbers +and friars, purses of gold and instruments of torture, an incarnate +devil of a Jesuit, a handsome hero, and a lovely heroine. I jumble them +all together, sometimes above, and sometimes underground, and I explain +nothing at all. + +_Barnstaple_. Have you nothing supernatural? + +_Ansard_. O yes! I've a dog whose instinct is really supernatural, and +I have two or three visions, which may be considered so, as they tell +what never else could have been known. I decorate my caverns and +dungeons with sweltering toads and slimy vipers, a constant dropping of +water, with chains too ponderous to lift, but which the parties upon +whom they are riveted, clang together as they walk up and down in their +cells, and soliloquise. So much for my underground scenery. Above, I +people the halls with pages and ostrich feathers, and knights in bright +armour, a constant supply of generous wine, and goblets too heavy to +lift, which the knights toss off at a draught, as they sit and listen to +the minstrel's music. + +_Barnstaple_. Bravo, Ansard, bravo. It appears to me that you do not +want assistance in this romance. + +_Ansard_. No, when I do I have always a holy and compassionate friar, +who pulls a wonderful restorative or healing balm, out of his bosom. +The puffs of Solomon's Balm of Gilead are a fool to the real merits of +my pharmacopoeia contained in a small vial. + +_Barnstaple_. And pray what may be the title of this book of yours, for +I have known it take more time to fix upon a title than to write the +three volumes. + +_Ansard_. I call it _The Undiscovered Secret_, and very properly so +too, for it never is explained. But if you please, I will read you some +passages from it. I think you will approve of them. For instance, now +let us take this, in the second volume. You must know, that +Angelicanarinella (for that is the name of my heroine) is thrown into a +dungeon not more than four feet square, but more than six hundred feet +below the surface of the earth. The ways are so intricate, and the +subterranean so vast, and the dungeons so numerous, that the base +Ethiop, who has obeyed his master's orders in confining her, has himself +been lost in the labyrinth, and has not been able to discover what +dungeon he put her in. For three days he has been looking for it, +during which our heroine has been without food, and he is still +searching and scratching his woolly head in despair, as he is to die by +slow torture, if he does not reproduce her--for you observe, the chief +who has thrown her into his dungeon is most desperately in love with +her. + +_Barnstaple_. That of course; and that is the way to prove romantic +love--you ill treat--but still she is certainly in a dilemma, as well as +the Ethiop. + +_Ansard_. Granted; but she talks like the heroine of a romance. +Listen. (ANSARD _reads_.) "The beauteous and divinely moulded form of +the angelic Angelicanarinella pressed the dank and rotten straw which +had been thrown down by the scowling, thick-lipped Ethiop for her +repose--she, for whom attendant maidens had smoothed the Sybaritic sheet +of finest texture, under the elaborately carved and sumptuously gilt +canopy, the silken curtains, and the tassels of the purest dust of +gold." + +_Barnstaple_. Tassels of dust of gold! only figuratively, I suppose. + +_Ansard_. Nothing more. "Each particular straw of this dank, damp bed +was elastic with delight, at bearing such angelic pressure; and, as our +heroine cast her ineffably beaming eyes about the dark void, lighting up +with their effulgent rays each little portion of the dungeon, as she +glanced them from one part to another, she perceived that the many +reptiles enclosed with her in this narrow tomb, were nestling to her +side, their eyes fixed upon her in mute expressions of love and +admiration. Her eclipsed orbs were each, for a moment, suffused with a +bright and heavenly tear, and from the suffusion threw out a more +brilliant light upon the feeling reptiles who paid this tribute to her +undeserved sufferings. She put forth her beauteous hand, whose `faint +tracery'--(I stole that from Cooper)--whose faint tracery had so often +given to others the idea that it was ethereal, and not corporeal, and +lifting with all the soft and tender handling of first love a venerable +toad, which smiled upon her, she placed the interesting animal so that +it could crawl up and nestle in her bosom, `Poor child of dank, of +darkness, and of dripping,' exclaimed she, in her flute-like notes, `who +sheltereth thyself under the wet and mouldering wall, so neglected in +thy form by thy mother Nature, repose awhile in peace where princes and +nobles would envy thee, if they knew thy present lot. But that shall +never be; these lips shall never breathe a tale which might endanger thy +existence; fear not, therefore, their enmity, and as thou slowly +creepest away thy little round of circumscribed existence, forget me +not, but shed an occasional pearly tear to the memory of the persecuted, +the innocent Angelicanarinella!'" What d'ye think of that? + +_Barnstaple_. Umph! a very warm picture certainly; however, it is +natural. You know, a person of her consequence could never exist +without a little _toadyism_. + +_Ansard_. I have a good many subterraneous soliloquies, which would +have been lost for ever, if I did not bring them up. + +_Barnstaple_. That one you have just read is enough to make everybody +else bring up. + +_Ansard_. I rather plume myself upon it. + +_Barnstaple_. Yes, it is a feather in your cap, and will act as a +feather in the throat of your readers. + +_Ansard_. Now I'll turn over the second volume, and read you another +_morceau_, in which I assume the more playful vein. I have imitated one +of our modern writers, who must be correct in her language, as she knows +all about heroes and heroines. I must confess that I've cribbed a +little. + +_Barnstaple_. Let's hear. + +_Ansard_. "The lovely Angelicanarinella _pottered_ for some time about +this fairy chamber, then `wrote journal.' At last, she _threw herself +down on the floor_, pulled out the miniature, _gulped_ when she looked +at it, and then _cried herself to sleep_." + +_Barnstaple_. _Pottered_ and _gulped_! What language do you call that? + +_Ansard_. It's all right, my dear fellow. I understand that it is the +refined slang of the modern boudoir, and only known to the initiated. + +_Barnstaple_. They had better keep it entirely to their boudoirs. I +should advise you to leave it all out. + +_Ansard_. Well, I thought that one who was so very particular, must +have been the standard of perfection herself. + +_Barnstaple_. That does not at all follow. + +_Ansard_. But what I wish to read to you is the way in which I have +managed that my secret shall never be divulged. It is known only to +four. + +_Barnstaple_. A secret known to four people! You must be quick then. + +_Ansard_. So I am, as you shall hear; they all meet in a dark gallery, +but do not expect to meet any one but the hero, whom they intend to +murder, each one having, unknown to the others, made an appointment with +him for that purpose, on the pretence of telling him the great secret. +Altogether the scene is well described, but it is long, so I'll come at +once to the _denouement_. + +_Barnstaple_. Pray do. + +_Ansard_. "Absenpresentini felt his way by the slimy wall, when the +breath of another human being caught his ear: he paused, and held his +own breath. `No, no,' muttered the other, `the _secret of blood and +gold_ shall remain with me alone. Let him come, and he shall find +death.' In a second, the dagger of Absenpresentini was in the +mutterer's bosom:--he fell without a groan. `To me alone the secret of +blood and gold, and with me it remains,' exclaimed Absenpresentini. `It +does remain with you,' cried Phosphorini, driving his dagger into his +back:--Absenpresentini fell without a groan, and Phosphorini, +withdrawing his dagger, exclaimed, `Who is now to tell the secret but +me?' `Not you,' cried Vortiskini, raising up his sword and striking at +where the voice proceeded. The trusty steel cleft the head of the +abandoned Phosphorini, who fell without a groan. `Now will I retain the +secret of blood and gold,' said Vortiskini, as he sheathed his sword. +`Thou shalt,' exclaimed the wily Jesuit, as he struck his stiletto to +the heart of the robber, who fell without a groan. `With me only does +the secret now rest, by which our order might be disgraced; with me it +dies,' and the Jesuit raised his hand. `Thus to the glory and the +honour of his society does Manfredini sacrifice his life.' He struck +the keen-pointed instrument into his heart, and died without a groan. +`Stop,' cried our hero." + +_Barnstaple_. And I agree with your hero: stop, Ansard, or you'll kill +me too--but not without a groan. + +_Ansard_. Don't you think it would act well? + +_Barnstaple_. Quite as well as it reads; pray is it all like this? + +_Ansard_. You shall judge for yourself. I have half killed myself with +writing it, for I chew opium every night to obtain ideas. Now again-- + +_Barnstaple_. Spare me, Ansard, spare me; my nerves are rather +delicate; for the remainder I will take your word. + +_Ansard_. I wish my duns would do the same, even if it were only my +washerwoman; but there's no more tick for me here, except this old watch +of my father's, which serves to remind me of what I cannot obtain from +others--time; but, however, there is a time for all things, and when the +time comes that my romance is ready, my creditors will obtain the +_ready_. + +_Barnstaple_. Your only excuse, Ansard. + +_Ansard_. I beg your pardon. The public require strong writing +now-a-days. We have thousands who write well, and the public are +nauseated with what is called _good writing_. + +_Barnstaple_. And so they want something bad, eh? Well, Ansard, you +certainly can supply them. + +_Ansard_. My dear Barnstaple, you must not disparage this style of +writing--it is not bad--there is a great art in it. It may be termed +writing intellectual and ethereal. You observe, that it never allows +probabilities or even possibilities to stand in its way. The dross of +humanity is rejected: all the common wants and grosser feelings of our +natures are disallowed. It is a novel which is all mind and passion. +Corporeal attributes and necessities are thrown on one side, as they +would destroy the charm of perfectability. Nothing can soil, or defile, +or destroy my heroine; suffering adds lustre to her beauty, as pure gold +is tried by fire: nothing can kill her, because she is all mind. As for +my men, you will observe when you read my work-- + +_Barnstaple_. When I do! + +_Ansard_. Which, of course, you will--that they also have their +appetites in abeyance; they never want to eat, or drink, or sleep--are +always at hand when required, without regard to time or space. Now +there is a great beauty in this description of writing. The women adore +it because they find their sex divested of those human necessities, +without which they would indeed be angels! the mirror is held up to +them, and they find themselves perfect--no wonder they are pleased. The +other sex are also very glad to dwell upon female perfectability, which +they can only find in a romance, although they have often dreamt of it +in their younger days. + +_Barnstaple_. There is some truth in these remarks. Every milliner's +girl, who devours your pages in bed by the half-hour's light of tallow +stolen for the purpose, imagines a strong similarity between herself and +your Angelicanarinella, and every shop-boy measuring tape or weighing +yellow soap will find out attributes common to himself and to your hero. + +_Ansard_. Exactly. As long as you draw perfection in both sexes, you +are certain to be read, because by so doing you flatter human nature and +self-love, and transfer it to the individual who reads. Now a picture +of real life-- + +_Barnstaple_. Is like some of Wouvermans' best pictures, which will not +be purchased by many, because his dogs in the foreground are doing +exactly what all dogs will naturally do when they first are let out of +their kennels. + +_Ansard_. Wouvermans should have known better, and made his dogs better +mannered if he expected his pictures to be hung up in the parlour of +refinement. + +_Barnstaple_ Very true. + +_Ansard_. Perhaps you would like to have another passage or two. + +_Barnstaple_. Excuse me: I will imagine it all. I only hope, Ansard, +this employment will not interfere with your legal practice. + +_Ansard_. My dear Barnstaple, it certainly will not, because my legal +practice cannot be interfered with. I have been called to the bar, but +find no employment in my calling. I have been sitting in my gown and +wig for one year, and may probably sit a dozen more before I have to +rise to address their lordships. I have not yet had a guinea brief. My +only chance is to be sent out as judge to Sierra Leone, or perhaps to be +made a commissioner of the Court of Requests. + +_Barnstaple_. You are indeed humble in your aspirations. I recollect +the time, Ansard, when you dreamt of golden fame, and aspired to the +woolsack--when your ambition prompted you to midnight labour, and you +showed an energy-- + +_Ansard_. (_putting his hands up to his forehead, with his elbows on +the table_.) What can I do, Barnstaple? If I trust to briefs, my +existence will be but brief--we all must live. + +_Barnstaple_. I will not reply as Richelieu did to a brother author, +"Je ne vois pas la necessite;" but this I do say, that if you are in +future to live by supplying the public with such nonsense, the shorter +your existence the better. + + + +CHAPTER FIFTY. + +THE LEGEND OF THE BELL ROCK. + +There was a grand procession through the streets of the two towns of +Perth and Dundee. The holy abbots, in their robes, walked under gilded +canopies, the monks chanted, the censers were thrown, flags and banners +were carried by seamen, lighted tapers by penitents; Saint Antonio, the +patron of those who trust to the stormy ocean, was carried in all pomp +through the streets; and, as the procession passed, coins of various +value were thrown down by those who watched it from the windows, and, as +fast as thrown were collected by little boys dressed as angels, and +holding silver vessels to receive the largesses. During the whole day +did the procession continue, and large was the treasure collected in the +two towns. Every one gave freely, for there were few, indeed none, who, +if not in their own circle, at least among their acquaintances, had to +deplore the loss of some one dear to them, or to those they visited, +from the dangerous rock which lay in the very track of all the vessels +entering the Firth of Tay. + +These processions had been arranged, that a sufficient sum of money +might be collected to enable them to put in execution a plan proposed by +an adventurous and bold young seaman, in a council held for the purpose, +of fixing a bell on the rock, which could be so arranged that the +slightest breath of wind would cause the hammer of it to sound, and +thus, by its tolling, warn the mariner of his danger; and the sums given +were more than sufficient. A meeting was then held, and it was +unanimously agreed that Andrew M'Clise should be charged with the +commission to go over to Amsterdam, and purchase the bell of a merchant +residing there, whom Andrew stated to have one in his possession, which, +from its fine tone and size, was exactly calculated for the purport to +which it was to be appropriated. + +Andrew M'Clise embarked with the money, and made a prosperous voyage. +He had often been at Amsterdam, and had lived with the merchant, whose +name was Vandermaclin; and the attention to his affairs, the dexterity +and the rapidity of the movements of Andrew M'Clise, had often elicited +the warmest encomiums of Mynheer Vandermaclin; and many evenings had +Andrew M'Clise passed with him, drinking in moderation their favourite +scheedam, and indulging in the meditative merschaum. Vandermaclin had +often wished that he had a son like Andrew M'Clise, to whom he could +leave his property, with the full assurance that the heap would not be +scattered, but greatly added to. + +Vandermaclin was a widower. He had but one daughter, who was now just +arrived at an age to return from the pension to her father's house, and +take upon herself the domestic duties. M'Clise had never yet seen the +beautiful Katerina. + +"And so, Mynheer M'Clise," said Vandermaclin, who was sitting in the +warehouse on the ground-floor of his tenement, "you come to purchase the +famous bell of Utrecht; with the intention of fixing it upon that rock, +the danger of which we have so often talked over after the work of the +day has been done? I, too, have suffered from that same rock, as you +well know; but still I have been fortunate. The price will be heavy; +and so it ought to be, for the bell itself is of no small weight." + +"We are prepared to pay it, Mynheer Vandermaclin." + +"Nevertheless, in so good a cause, and for so good a purport, you shall +not be overcharged. I will say nothing of the beauty of the +workmanship, or even of the mere manufacture. You shall pay but its +value in metal; the same price which the Jew Isaacs offered me for it +but four months ago. I will not ask what a Jew would ask, but what a +Jew would give, which makes no small difference. Have you ten thousand +guilders?" + +"I have, and more." + +"That is my price, Mynheer M'Clise, and I wish for no more; for I, too, +will contribute my share to the good work. Are you content, and is it a +bargain?" + +"It is; and the holy abbots will thank you on vellum, Mynheer +Vandermaclin, for your generosity." + +"I prefer the thanks of the bold seamen to those of the idle churchmen; +but, never mind, it is a bargain. Now, we will go in; it is time to +close the doors. We will take our pipes, and you shall make the +acquaintance of my fair daughter, Katerina." + +At the time we are speaking of, M'Clise was about six-and-twenty years +of age; he was above the middle size, elegant in person, and with a +frankness and almost nobility in his countenance, which won all who saw +him. + +His manners were like those of most seamen, bold, but not offensively +so. His eye was piercing as an eagle's; and it seemed as if his very +soul spoke from it. At the very first meeting between him and the +daughter of Vandermaclin, it appeared to both as if their destinies were +to unite them. + +They loved not as others love, but with an intensity which it would be +impossible to portray; but they hardly exchanged a word. Again and +again they met; their eyes spoke, but nothing more. The bell was put on +board the vessel, the money had been paid down, and M'Clise could no +longer delay. He felt as if his heart-strings were severed as he tore +himself away from the land where all remained that he coveted upon +earth. And Katerina, she too felt as if her existence was a blank; and +as the vessel sailed from the port, she breathed short; and when not +even her white and lofty topgallant sail could be discovered as a speck, +she threw herself on her couch and wept. And M'Clise as he sailed away, +remained for hours leaning his cheek on his hand, thinking of, over and +over again, every lineament and feature of the peerless Katerina. + +Two months passed away, during which M'Clise was busied every ebb of the +tide in superintending the work on the rock. At last, all was ready; +and once more was to be beheld a gay procession; but this time it was on +the water. It was on a calm and lovely summer's morn, that the abbots +and the monks, attended by a large company of the authorities, and +others, who were so much interested in the work in hand, started from +the shore of Aberbrothwick in a long line of boats, decorated with +sacred and with other various banners and devices. The music floated +along the water, and the solemn chants of the monks were for once heard +where never yet they had been heard before, or ever will again. M'Clise +was at the rock, in a small vessel purposely constructed to carry the +bell, and with sheers to hang it on the supports imbedded in the solid +rock. The bell was in its place, and the abbot blessed the bell; and +holy water was sprinkled on the metal, which was for the future to be +lashed by the waves of the salt sea. And the music and the chants were +renewed; and as they continued, the wind gradually rose, and with the +rising of the wind the bell tolled loud and deep. The tolling of the +bell was the signal for return, for it was a warning that the weather +was about to change, and the procession pulled back to Aberbrothwick, +and landed in good time; for in one hour more, and the rocky coast was +again lashed by the waves, and the bell tolled loud and quick, although +there were none there but the sea-gull, who screamed with fright as he +wheeled in the air at this unusual noise upon the rock, which, at the +ebb he had so often made his resting-place. + +M'Clise had done his work; the bell was fixed; and once more he hastened +with his vessel to Amsterdam. Once more was he an inmate of +Vandermaclin's house; once more in the presence of the idol of his soul. +This time they spoke; this time their vows were exchanged for life and +death. But Vandermaclin saw not the state of their hearts. He looked +upon the young seamen as too low, too poor, to be a match for his +daughter; and as such an idea never entered his head, so did he never +imagine that he would have dared to love. But he was soon undeceived; +for M'Clise frankly stated his attachment, and demanded the hand of +Katerina; and, at the demand, Vandermaclin's face was flushed with +anger. + +"Mynheer M'Clise," said he, after a pause, as if to control his +feelings; "when a man marries, he is bound to show that he has +wherewithal to support his wife; to support her in that rank, and to +afford her those luxuries to which she has been accustomed in her +father's house. Show me that you can do so, and I will not refuse you +the hand of Katerina." + +"As yet, I have not," replied M'Clise; "but I am young and can work; I +have money, and will gain more. Tell me what sum do you think that I +should possess to warrant my demanding the hand of your daughter?" + +"Produce twelve thousand guilders, and she is yours," replied the +merchant. + +"I have but three thousand," replied M'Clise. + +"Then, think no more of Katerina. It is a foolish passion, and you must +forget it. And, Mynheer M'Clise, I must not have my daughter's +affections tampered with. She must forget you; and that can only be +effected by your not meeting again. I wish you well, Mynheer M'Clise, +but I must request your absence." + +M'Clise departed from the presence of the merchant, bowed down with +grief and disappointment. He contrived that a letter, containing the +result of his application, should be put in the hands of Katerina. But +Vandermaclin was informed of this breach of observance, and Katerina was +sent to a convent, there to remain until the departure of her lover; and +Vandermaclin wrote to his correspondent at Dundee, requesting that the +goods forwarded to him might not be sent by the vessel commanded by +M'Clise. + +Of this our young captain received information. All hope was nearly +gone; still he lingered, and delayed his departure. He was no longer +the active, energetic seaman; he neglected all, even his attire. + +M'Clise knew in which convent his fair Katerina had been immured; and +often would he walk round its precincts, with the hope of seeing her, if +it were but for a moment, but in vain. His vessel was now laden, and he +could delay no longer. He was to sail the next morning; and once more +did the unhappy young man take his usual walk to look at those walls +which contained all that was dear to him on earth. His reverie was +broken by a stone falling down to his feet; he took it up; there was a +small piece of paper attached to it with a silken thread. He opened it; +it was the handwriting of Katerina, and contained but two words--"_The +Bell_." + +The bell! M'Clise started; for he immediately comprehended what was +meant. The whole plan came like electricity through his brain. Yes; +then there was a promise of happiness. The bell was worth ten thousand +guilders; that sum had been offered, and would now be given by Isaacs +the Jew. He would be happy with his Katerina; and he blessed her +ingenuity for devising the means. For a minute or two he was +transported; but the re-action soon took place. What was he about to +attempt? sacrilege--cruelty. The bell had been blessed by the holy +church; it had been purchased by holy and devout alms. It had been +placed on the rock to save the lives of his brother seamen; and were he +to remove it, would he not be responsible for all the lives lost? Would +not the wail of the widow, and the tears of the orphan, be crying out to +Heaven against him? No, no! never! The crime was too horrible; and +M'Clise stamped upon the paper, thinking he was tempted by Satan in the +shape of woman; but when woman tempts, man is lost. He recalled the +charms of Katerina; all his repugnance was overcome; and he resolved +that the deed should be accomplished, and that Katerina should be +gained, even if he lost his soul. + +Andrew M'Clise sailed away from Amsterdam, and Katerina recovered her +liberty. Vandermaclin was anxious that she should marry: and many were +the suitors for her hand, but in vain. She reminded her father, that he +had pledged himself, if M'Clise counted down twelve thousand guilders, +that she should be his wife; and to that pledge she insisted that he was +bound fast. And Vandermaclin after reasoning with her, and pointing out +to her that twelve thousand guilders was a sum so large, that M'Clise +might not procure until his old age, even if he were fortunate, +acknowledged that such was his promise, and that he would, like an +honest man, abide by it, provided that M'Clise should fulfil his part of +the agreement in the space of two years; after which he should delay her +settlement no longer. And Katerina raised her eyes to heaven, and +whispered, as she clasped her hands, "The Bell." Alas! that we should +invoke Heaven when we would wish to do wrong: but mortals are blind, and +none so blind as those who are impelled by passion. + +It was in the summer of that year that M'Clise had made his +arrangements: having procured the assistance of some lawless hands, he +had taken the advantage of a smooth and glassy sea and a high tide to +remove the bell on board his own vessel; a work of little difficulty to +him, as he had placed it there, and knew well the fastenings. He sailed +away for Amsterdam, and was permitted by Heaven to arrive safe with his +sacrilegious freight. He did not, as before, enter the canal opposite +to the house of Vandermaclin, but one that ran behind the habitation of +the Jew Isaacs. At night, he went into the house, and reported to the +Jew what he had for sale; and the keen grey eyes of the bent-double +little Israelite sparkled with delight, for he knew that his profit +would be great. At midnight the bell was made fast to the crane, and +safely deposited in the warehouse of the Jew, who counted out the ten +thousand guilders to the enraptured M'Clise, whose thoughts were wholly +upon the possession of his Katerina, and not upon the crime he had +committed. + +But, alas! to conceal one crime, we are too often obliged to be guilty +of even deeper; and thus it was with Andrew M'Clise. The people who had +assisted, upon the promise of a thousand guilders being divided among +them, now murmured at their share, and insisted upon an equal division +of the spoils, or threatened with an immediate confession of the black +deed. + +M'Clise raved, and cursed, and tore his hair; promised to give them the +money as soon as he had wedded Katerina; but they would not consent. +Again the devil came to his assistance, and whispered how he was to act: +he consented. The next night the division was to be made. They met in +his cabin; he gave them wine, and they drank plentifully; but the wine +was poisoned, and they all died before the morning. M'Clise tied +weights to their bodies, and sunk them in the deep canal; broke open his +hatches, to make it appear that his vessel had been plundered; and then +went to the authorities denouncing his crew as having plundered him, and +escaped. Immediate search was made, but they were not to be found; and +it was supposed that they had escaped in a boat. + +Once more M'Clise, whose conscience was seared, went to the house of +Vandermaclin, counted down his twelve thousand guilders, and claimed his +bride; and Vandermaclin, who felt that his daughter's happiness was at +stake, now gave his consent. As M'Clise stated that he was anxious to +return to England, and arrange with the merchants whose goods had been +plundered, in a few days the marriage took place; and Katerina clasped +the murderer in her arms. All was apparent joy and revelry; but there +was anguish in the heart of M'Clise, who, now that he had gained his +object, felt that it had cost him much too dear, for his peace of mind +was gone for ever. But Katerina cared not; every spark of feeling was +absorbed in her passion, and the very guilt of M'Clise but rendered him +more dear; for was it not for her that he had done all this? M'Clise +received her portion, and hasted to sail away; for the bodies were still +in the canal, and he trembled every hour lest his crime should be +discovered. And Vandermaclin bade farewell to his daughter: and, he +knew not why, but there was a feeling he could not suppress, that they +never should meet again. + +"Down--down below, Katerina! this is no place for you," cried M'Clise, +as he stood at the helm of the vessel. "Down, dearest, down, or you +will be washed overboard. Every sea threatens to pour into our decks; +already have we lost two men. Down, Katerina! down, I tell you." + +"I fear not; let me remain with you." + +"I tell you, down!" cried M'Clise, in wrath; and Katerina cast upon him +a reproachful look, and obeyed. + +The storm was at its height; the sun had set, black and monstrous +billows chased each other, and the dismasted vessel was hurried on +towards the land. The wind howled, and whistled sharply at each chink +in the bulwarks of the vessel. For three days had they fought the gale, +but in vain. Now, if it continued, all chance was over; for the shore +was on their lee, distant not many miles. Nothing could save them, but +gaining the mouth of the Firth of Tay, and then they could bear up for +Dundee. And there was a boiling surge, and a dark night, and roaring +seas, and their masts were floating far away; and M'Clise stood at the +helm, keeping her broadside to the sea: his heart was full of +bitterness, and his guilty conscience bore him down, and he looked for +death, and he dreaded it; for was he not a sacrilegious murderer, and +was there not an avenging God above? + +Once more Katerina appeared on deck, clinging for support to Andrew. + +"I cannot stay below. Tell me, will it soon be over?" + +"Yes," replied M'Clise, gloomily; "it will soon be over with all of us." + +"How mean you? you told me there was no danger." + +"I told you falsely; there is death soon, and damnation afterwards; for +you I have lost my soul!" + +"Oh! say not so." + +"I say it. Leave me, leave me, woman, or I curse thee." + +"Curse me, Andrew? Oh, no! Kiss me, Andrew; and if we are to perish, +let us expire in each other's arms." + +"'Tis as well; you have dragged me to perdition. Leave me, I say, for +you have my bitter curse." + +Thus was his guilty love turned to hate, now that death was staring him +in the face. + +Katerina made no reply. She threw herself on the deck, and abandoned +herself to her feeling of bitter anguish. And as she lay there, and +M'Clise stood at the helm, the wind abated; the vessel was no longer +borne down as before, although the waves were still mountains high. The +seamen on board rallied; some fragments of sail were set on the remnants +of the masts, and there was a chance of safety. M'Clise spoke not, but +watched the helm. The wind shifted in their favour; and hope rose in +every heart. The Firth of Tay was now open, and they were saved! Light +was the heart of M'Clise when he kept away the vessel, and gave the helm +up to the mate. He hastened to Katerina, who still remained on the +deck, raised her up, whispered comfort and returning love; but she heard +not--she could not forget--and she wept bitterly. + +"We are saved, dear Katerina!" + +"Better that we had been lost!" replied she, mournfully. + +"No, no! say not so, with your own Andrew pressing you to his bosom." + +"Your bitter curse!" + +"'Twas madness--nothing--I knew not what I said." But the iron had +entered into her soul. Her heart was broken. + +"You had better give orders for them to look out for the Bell Rock," +observed the man at the helm to M'Clise. + +The Bell Rock! M'Clise shuddered, and made no reply. Onward went the +vessel, impelled by the sea and wind: one moment raised aloft, and +towering over the surge; at another, deep in the hollow trough, and +walled in by the convulsed element. M'Clise still held his Katerina in +his arms, who responded not to his endearments, when a sudden shock +threw them on the deck. The crashing of the timbers, the pouring of the +waves over the stern, the heeling and settling of the vessel, were but +the work of a few seconds. One more furious shock,--she separates, +falls on her beam ends, and the raging seas sweep over her. + +M'Clise threw from him her whom he had so madly loved, and plunged into +the wave. Katerina shrieked, as she dashed after him, and all was over. + +When the storm rises, and the screaming sea-gull seeks the land, and the +fisherman hasten his bark towards the beach, there is to be seen, +descending from the dark clouds with the rapidity of lightning, the form +of Andrew M'Clise, the heavy bell to which he is attached by the neck, +bearing him down to his doom. + +And when all is smooth and calm, when at the ebbing tide, the wave but +gently kisses the rock, then by the light of the silver moon, the +occupants of the vessels which sail from the Firth of Tay, have often +beheld the form of the beautiful Katerina, waving her white scarf as a +signal that they should approach, and take her off from the rock on +which she is seated. At times, she offers a letter for her father, +Vandermaclin; and she mourns and weeps as the wary mariners, with their +eyes fixed on her, and with folded arms, pursue their course in silence +and in dread. + + + +CHAPTER FIFTY ONE. + +MOONSHINE. + +Those who have visited our West India possessions must have often been +amused with the humour and cunning which occasionally appear in a negro +more endowed than the generality of his race, particularly when the +master also happens to be a humourist. The swarthy servitor seems to +reflect his patron's absurdities; and having thoroughly studied his +character, ascertains how far he can venture to take liberties without +fear of punishment. + +One of these strange specimens I once met with in a negro called +Moonshine, belonging to a person equally strange in his own way, who +had, for many years, held the situation of harbour-master at Port Royal, +but had then retired on a pension, and occupied a small house at Ryde, +in the Isle of Wight. His name was Cockle, but he had long been +addressed as Captain Cockle; and this brevet rank he retained until the +day of his death. In person he was very large and fat--not unlike a +cockle in shape: so round were his proportions, and so unwieldy, that it +appeared much easier to roll him along from one place to another, than +that he should walk. Indeed, locomotion was not to his taste: he seldom +went much farther than round the small patch of garden which was in +front of his house, and in which he had some pinks and carnations and +chrysanthemums, of which he was not a little proud. His head was quite +bald, smooth, and shining white; his face partook of a more roseate +tint, increasing in depth till it settled into an intense red at the tip +of his nose. Cockle had formerly been a master of a merchant-vessel, +and from his residence in a warm climate had contracted a habit of +potation, which became confirmed during the long period of his holding +his situation at Port Royal. He had purchased Moonshine for three +hundred dollars, when he was about seven years old, and, upon his return +to England, had taken him with him. + +Moonshine was very much attached to his master, very much attached to +having his own way, and was, farther, very much attached to his master's +grog bottle. + +The first attachment was a virtue: the second human nature; and the +third, in the opinion of old Cockle, a crime of serious magnitude. I +very often called upon Captain Cockle, for he had a quaint humour about +him which amused; and, as he seldom went out, he was always glad to see +any of his friends. Another reason was, that I seldom went to the house +without finding some entertainment in the continual sparring between the +master and the man. I was at that time employed in the Preventive +Service, and my station was about four miles from the residence of +Cockle. One morning I stalked in, and found him, as usual, in his +little parlour on the ground-floor. + +"Well, Cockle, my boy, how are you?" + +"Why, to tell you the truth, Bob, I'm all wrong. I'm on the stool of +repentance; to wit, on this easy chair, doing penance, as you perceive, +in a pair of duck trousers. Last night I was half-seas over, and +tolerably happy; this morning I am high and dry, and intolerably +miserable. Carried more sail than ballast last night, and lost my head; +this morning I've found it again, with a pig of ballast in it, I +believe. All owing to my good nature." + +"How is that, Cockle?" + +"Why, that Jack Piper was here last night; and rather than he should +drink all the grog and not find his way home, I drank some myself--he'd +been in a bad way if I had not, poor fellow!--and now, you see, I'm +suffering all from good nature. Easiness of disposition has been my +ruin, and has rounded me into this ball, by wearing away all my sharp +edges, Bob." + +"It certainly was very considerate and very kind of you, Cockle, +especially when we know how much you must have acted at variance with +your inclinations." + +"Yes, Bob, yes, I am the milk punch of human kindness. I often cry-- +when the chimney smokes; and sometimes--when I laugh too much. You see, +I not only give my money, as others will do, but, as last night, I even +give my head to assist a fellow-creature. I could, however, dispense +with it for an hour or two this morning." + +"Nay, don't say that; for although you might dispense with the upper +part, you could not well get on without your mouth, Cockle." + +"Very true, Bob; a chap without a mouth would be like a ship without a +companion hatch;--talking about that, the combings of my mouth are +rather dry--what do you say, Bob, shall we call Moonshine?" + +"Why it's rather broad daylight for Moonshine." + +"He's but an eclipse--a total eclipse, I may say. The fact is, my head +is so heavy, that it rolls about on my shoulders; and I must have a +stiffener down my throat to prop it it up. So Moonshine, shine out, you +black-faced rascal!" + +The negro was outside, cleaning his knives:--he answered, but continued +at his work. + +"How me shine, Massa Cockle, when you neber gib me _shiner_?" + +"No: but I'll give you a _shinner_ on your lower limb, that shall make +you feel planet-struck, if you don't show your ugly face," replied +Cockle. + +"Massa Cockle, you full of dictionary dis marning." + +"Come here, sir!" + +"Why you so parsonal dis marning, sar," replied Moonshine, rubbing away +at the knifeboard--"my face no shine more dan your white skull widout +hair." + +"I pulled one out, you scoundrel, every time you stole my grog, and now +they are all gone.--Hairs; what should I do with heirs when I've nothing +to leave," continued Cockle, addressing me--"hairs are like rats, that +quit a ship as soon as she gets old. Now, Bob, I wonder how long that +rascal will make us wait. I brought him home and gave him his freedom-- +but give an inch and he takes an ell. Moonshine, I begin to feel +angry--the tip of my nose is red already." + +"Come directly, Massa Cockle." + +Moonshine gave two more rubs on the board, and then made his appearance. + +"You call me, sar?" + +"What's the use of calling you, you black rascal?" + +"Now sar, dat not fair--you say to me, Moonshine, always do one thing +first--so I 'bey order and finish knives--dat ting done, I come and 'bey +next order." + +"Well, bring some cold water and some tumblers." + +Moonshine soon appeared with the articles, and then walked out of the +room, grinning at me. + +"Moonshine, where are you going, you thief?--when did you ever see me +drink cold water, or offer it to my friend?" + +"Neber see you drink it but once, and den you tipsy, and tink it gin; +but you very often gib notin but water to your friends, Massa Cockle." + +"When, you scoundrel?" + +"Why, very often you say dat water quite strong enough for me." + +"That's because I love you, Moonshine. Grog is a sad enemy to us." + +"Massa Cockle real fine Christian--he lub him enemy," interrupted +Moonshine, looking at me. + +"At all events, I'm not ashamed to look mine enemy in the face--so hand +us out the bottle." + +Moonshine put the bottle on the table. + +"Now, Bob," said Cockle, "what d'ye say to a _seven bell-er_? Why, +hallo! what's become of all the grog?" + +"All drank last night, Massa Cockle," replied Moonshine. + +"Now, you ebony thief, I'll swear that there was half a bottle left when +I took my last glass; for I held the bottle up to the candle to +ascertain the ullage." + +"When you go up tairs, Massa Cockle, so help me Gad! not one drop left +in de bottle." + +"Will you take your oath, Moonshine, that you did not drink any last +night?" + +"No, Massa Cockle, because I gentleman, and neber tell lie--me drink, +because you gib it to me." + +"Then I must have been drunk indeed. Now, tell me, how did I give it to +you?--tell me every word which passed." + +"Yes, Massa Cockle, me make you recollect all about it. When Massa +Piper go away, you look at bottel and den you say, `'Fore I go up to +bed, I take one more glass for _coming_ up.'--Den I say, `'Pose you do, +you nebber be able to _go up_.' Den you say, `Moonshine, you good +fellow (you always call me good fellow when you want me), you must help +me.' You drink you grog--you fall back in de chair, and you shut first +one eye, and den you shut de oder. I see more grog on the table: so I +take up de bottel and I say, `Massa Cockle, you go up stairs?' and you +say, `Yes, yes--directly.' Den I hold de bottel up and say to you, +`Massa, shall I help you?' and you say, `Yes, you must _help_ me.' So +den I take one glass of grog, 'cause you tell me to help you." + +"I didn't tell you to help yourself though, you scoundrel!" + +"Yes, Massa, when you tell me to help you with de bottel, I 'bey order, +and help myself. Den, sar, I waits little more, and I say, `Massa now +you go up 'tairs,' and you start up and you wake, and you say, `Yes, +yes;' and den I hold up and show you bottel again, and I say, `Shall I +_help_ you massa?' and den you say `Yes.' So I 'bey order again, and +take one more glass. Den you open mouth and you snore--so I look again +and I see one little glass more in bottel, and I call you, `Massa +Cockle, Massa Cockle,' and you say, `high--high!'--and den you head fall +on you chest, and you go sleep again--so den I call again and I say; +`Massa Cockle, here one lilly more drop, shall I drink it?' and you nod +you head on you bosom, and say noting--so I not quite sure, and I say +again, `Massa Cockle, shall I finish this lilly drop?' and you nod you +head once more. Den I say, `all right,' and I say, `you very good helt, +Massa Cockle;' and I finish de bottel. Now, Massa, you ab de whole +tory, and it all really for true." + +I perceived that Cockle was quite as much amused at this account of +Moonshine's as I was myself, but he put on a bluff look. + +"So, sir, it appears that you took advantage of my helpless situation, +to help yourself." + +"Massa Cockle, just now you tell Massa Farren dat you drink so much, all +for good nature Massa Piper--I do same all for good nature." + +"Well, Mr Moonshine, I must have some grog," replied Cockle, "and as +you helped yourself last night, now you must help me;--get it how you +can, I give you just ten minutes--" + +"'Pose you give gib me ten shillings, sar," interrupted Moonshine, "dat +better." + +"Cash is all gone. I havn't a skillick till quarter-day, not a shot in +the locker till Wednesday. Either get me some more grog, or you'll get +more kicks than halfpence." + +"You no ab money--you no ab tick--how I get grog, Massa Cockle? Missy +O'Bottom, she tells me, last _quarter_ day, no pay _whole_ bill, she not +_half_ like it; she say you great deceiver, and no trust more." + +"Confound the old hag! Would you believe it, Bob, that Mrs Rowbottom +has wanted to grapple with me these last two years--wants to make me +landlord of the Goose and Pepper-box, taking her as a fixture with the +premises. I suspect I should be the goose and she the pepper-box;--but +we never could shape that course. In the first place, there's too much +of her; and, in the next, there's too much of me. I explained this to +the old lady as well as I could; and she swelled up as big as a balloon, +saying, that, when people were really _attached_, they never _attached_ +any weight to such trifling obstacles." + +"But you must have been sweet upon her, Cockle?" + +"Nothing more than a little sugar to take the nauseous taste of my long +bill out of her mouth. As for the love part of the story, that was all +her own. I never contradict a lady, because it's not polite; but since +I explained, the old woman has huffed, and won't trust me with half a +quartern--will she, Moonshine?" + +"No, sar: when I try talk her over, and make promise, she say dat _all +moonshine_. But, sar, I try 'gain--I tink I know how." And Moonshine +disappeared, leaving us in the dark as to what his plans might be. + +"I wonder you never did marry, Cockle," I observed. + +"You would not wonder if you knew all. I must say, that once, and once +only, I was very near it. And to whom do you think it was--a woman of +colour." + +"A black woman?" + +"No: not half black, only a quarter--what they call a quadroon in the +West Indies. But, thank Heaven! she refused me." + +"Refused you? hang it, Cockle, I never thought that you had been refused +by a woman of colour." + +"I was, though. You shall hear how it happened. She had been the +quadroon wife (you know what that means) of a planter of the name of +Guiness; he died, and not only bequeathed her her liberty, but also four +good houses in Port Royal, and two dozen slaves. He had been dead about +two years, and she was about thirty, when I first knew her. She was +very rich, for she had a good income and spent nothing, except in jewels +and dress to deck out her own person, which certainly was very handsome, +even at that time, for she never had had any family. Well, if I was not +quite in love with her, I was with her houses and her money; and I used +to sit in her verandah and talk sentimental. One day I made my +proposal. `Massa Cockle,' said she, `dere two ting I not like; one is, +I not like your name. 'Pose I 'cept your offer, you must change you +name.' + +"`Suppose you accept my offer, Mistress Guiness, you'll change your +name. I don't know how I am to change mine,' I replied. + +"`I make 'quiry, Massa Cockle, and I find that by act and parliament you +get another name.' + +"`An act of parliament!' I cried. + +"`Yes, sar; and I pay five hundred gold Joe 'fore I hear people call me +Missy Cockle--dat _shell_ fish,' said she, and she turned up her nose. + +"`Humph!' said I, `and pray what is the next thing which you wish?' + +"`De oder ting, sar, is, you no ab _coat am arms_, no ab seal to your +watch, with bird and beast 'pon 'em; now 'pose you promise me dat you +take oder name, and buy um coat am arms; den, sar, I take de matter into +'sideration.' + +"`Save yourself the trouble, ma'am,' said I, jumping up; `my answer is +short--I'll see you and your whole generation hanged first!' + +"Well, that was a very odd sort of a wind-up to a proposal; but here +comes Moonshine." + +The black entered the room, and put a full bottle down on the table. + +"Dare it is, sar," said he, grinning. + +"Well, done, Moonshine, now I forgive you; but how did you manage it?" + +"Me tell you all de tory, sar--first I see Missy O'Bottom, and I say, +`How you do, how you find himsel dis marning? Massa come, I tink, by an +bye, but he almost fraid,' I said. She say, `What he fraid for?' He +tink you angry--not like see him--no lub him any more: he very sorry, +very sick at 'art--he very much in lub wid you." + +"The devil you did!" roared Cockle; "now I shall be bothered again with +that old woman; I wish she was moored as a buoy to the Royal George." + +"Massa no hear all yet. I say, `Miss O'Bottom, 'pose you no tell?' `I +tell.'--`Massa call for clean shirt dis morning, and I say, it no clean +shirt day, sar;' he say, `Bring me clean shirt;' and den he put him on +clean shirt and he put him on clean duck trowsers, he make me brush him +best blue coat. I say, `What all dis for, massa?' He put him hand up +to him head, and he fetch him breath and say--`I fraid Missy O'Bottom, +no hear me now--I no hab courage;' and den he sit all dress ready, and +no go. Den he say, `Moonshine, gib me one glass grog, den I hab +courage.' I go fetch bottle, and all grog gone--not one lilly drop +left; den massa fall down plump in him big chair, and say, `I neber can +go.' `But,' say Missy O'Bottom, `why he no send for some?' `'Cause,' I +say, `quarter-day no come--money all gone.'--Den say she, `If you poor +massa so _very_ bad, den I trust you one bottel--you gib my compliments +and say, I very appy to see him, and stay at home,'--Den I say, `Missy +O'Bottom pose massa not come soon as he take one two glass grog cut my +head off.' Dat all, sar." + +"That's all, is it? A pretty scrape you have got me into, you +scoundrel! What's to be done now?" + +"Why, let's have a glass of grog first, Cockle," replied I, "we've been +waiting a long while for it, and we'll then talk the matter over." + +"Bob, you're sensible, and the old woman was no fool in sending the +liquor--it requires _Dutch_ courage to attack such a Dutch-built old +schuyt; let's get the cobwebs out of our throats, and then we must see +how we can get out of this scrape. I expect that I shall pay `dearly +for my whistle' this time I wet mine. Now, what's to be done, Bob?" + +"I think that you had better leave it to Moonshine," said I. + +"So I will.--Now, sir, as you have got me into this scrape, you must get +me out of it.--D'ye hear?" + +"Yes, Massa Cockle, I tink--but no ab courage." + +"I understand you, you sooty fellow--here, drink this, and see if it +will brighten up your wits. He's a regular turnpike, that fellow, every +thing must pay toll." + +"Massa Cockle, I tell Missy O'Bottom dat you come soon as you hab two +glass grog; 'pose you only drink one." + +"That won't do, Moonshine, for I'm just mixing my second; you must find +out something better." + +"One glass grog, massa, gib no more dan one tought--dat you ab--" + +"Well, then, here's another.--Now recollect, before you drink it, you +are to get me out of this scrape; if not, you get into a scrape, for +I'll beat you as--as white as snow." + +"'Pose you no _wash_ nigger white, you no _mangle_ him white, Massa +Cockle," added Moonshine. + +"The fellow's _ironing_ me, Bob, ar'n't he?" said Cockle, laughing. +"Now, before you drink, recollect the conditions." + +"Drink first, sar, make sure of dat," replied Moonshine, swallowing off +the brandy; "tink about it afterwards.--Eh! I ab it," cried Moonshine, +who disappeared, and Cockle and I continued in conversation over our +grog, which to sailors is acceptable in any one hour in the twenty-four. +About ten minutes afterwards Cockle perceived Moonshine in the little +front garden. "There's that fellow, Bob; what is he about?" + +"Only picking a nosegay, I believe," replied I, looking out of the +window. + +"The rascal, he must be picking all my chrysanthemums. Stop him, Bob." + +But Moonshine vaulted over the low pales, and there was no stopping him. +It was nearly an hour before he returned; and when he came in, we found +that he was dressed out in his best, looking quite a dandy, and with +some of his master's finest flowers, in a large nosegay, sticking in his +waistcoat. + +"All right, sar, all right; dat last glass grog gib me fine idee; you +neber ab more trouble bout Missy O'Bottom." + +"Well, let's hear," said Cockle. + +"I dress mysel bery 'pruce, as you see, massa. I take nosegay." + +"Yes, I see that, and be hanged to you." + +"Neber mind, Massa Cockle. I say to Missy O'Bottom, `Massa no able +come, he very sorry, so he send me;' `well,' she say, `what you ab to +say, sit down, Moonshine, you very nice man.' Den I say, `Massa Cockle +lub you very much, he tink all day how he make you appy; den he say, +Missy O'Bottom very fine 'oman, make very fine wife.' Den Missy +O'Bottom say, `'Top a moment,' and she bring a bottel from cupboard, and +me drink something did make 'tomach feel really warm; and den she say, +`Moonshine, what you massa say?' den I say, massa say, `You fine 'oman, +make good wife;' but he shake um head, and say, `I very old man, no good +for noting; I tink all day how I make her appy, and I find out-- +Moonshine, you young man, you 'andsome feller, you good servant, I not +like you go away, but I tink you make Missy O'Bottom very fine 'usband; +so I not care for myself, you go to Missy O'Bottom, and tell I send you, +dat I part wid you, and give you to her for 'usband.'" + +Cockle and I burst out laughing. "Well, and what did Mrs Rowbottom say +to that?" + +"She jump up, and try to catch me hair, but I bob my head, and she miss; +den she say, `You filthy black rascal, you tell you massa, 'pose he ever +come here, I break his white bald pate; and 'pose you ever come here, I +smash you woolly black skull.'--Dat all, Massa Cockle; you see all right +now, and I quite dry wid talking." + +"All right! do you call it. I never meant to quarrel with the old +woman; what d'ye think, Bob--is it all right?" + +"Why, you must either have quarrelled with her, or married her, that's +clear." + +"Well, then, I'm clear of her, and so it's all right. It a'n't every +man who can get out of matrimony by sacrificing a nosegay and two +glasses of grog." + +"Tree glasses, Massa Cockle," said Moonshine. + +"Well, three glasses; here it is, you dog, and its dog cheap, too. +Thank God, next Wednesday's quarter day. Bob, you must dine with me-- +cut the service for to-day." + +"With all my heart," replied I, "and I'll salve my conscience by walking +the beach all night; but, Cockle, look here, there is but a drop in the +bottle, and you have no more. I am like you, with a clean swept hold. +You acknowledge the difficulty?" + +"It stares me in the face, Bob; what must be done?" + +"I'll tell you--in the first place, what have you for dinner?" + +"Moonshine, what have we got for dinner?" + +"Dinner, sar?--me not yet tink about dinner. What you like to eat, +sar?" + +"What have we got in the house, Moonshine?" + +"Let me see, sar? first place, we ab very fine piece picklum pork; den +we have picklum pork; and den--let me tink--den we ab, we ab picklum +pork, sar." + +"The long and the short of it is, Bob, that we have nothing but a piece +of pickled pork; can you dine off that?" + +"Can a duck swim, Cockle!" + +"Please, sar, we ab plenty pea for _dog baddy_," said Moonshine. + +"Well, then, Cockle, as all that is required is to put the pot on the +fire, you can probably spare Moonshine, after he has done that, and we +will look to the cookery; start him off with a note to Mr Johns, and he +can bring back a couple of bottles from my quarters." + +"Really dat very fine tought, Massa Farren; I put in pork, and den I go +and come back in one hour." + +"That you never will, Mr Moonshine; what's o'clock now? mercy on us, +how time flies in your company, Cockle, it is nearly four o'clock; it +will be dark at six." + +"Neber mind, sar, me always ab _moonshine_ whereber I go," said the +black, showing his teeth. + +"It will take two hours to boil the pork, Bob; that fellow has been so +busy this morning that he has quite forgot the dinner." + +"All you business, Massa Cockle." + +"Very true; but now start as soon as you can, and come back as soon as +you can; here's the note." + +Moonshine took the note, looked at the direction, as if he could read +it, and in a few minutes was seen to depart. + +"And now, Cockle," said I, "as Moonshine will be gone some time, suppose +you spin us a yarn to pass away the time." + +"I'll tell you what, Bob, I am not quite so good at that as I used to +be. I've an idea that when my pate became bald, my memory oozed away by +insensible perspiration." + +"Never mind, you must have something left, you can't be quite empty." + +"No, but my tumbler is; so I'll just fill that up, and then I'll tell +you how it was that I came to go to sea." + +"The very thing that I should like to hear, above all others." + +"Well, then, you must know that, like cockles in general, I was born on +the sea-shore, just a quarter of a mile out of Dover, towards +Shakespeare's Cliff. My father was a fisherman by profession, and a +smuggler by practice, all was fish that came to his net; but his cottage +was small, he was supposed to be very poor, and a very bad fisherman, +for he seldom brought home many; but there was a reason for that, he +very seldom put his nets overboard. His chief business lay in taking +out of vessels coming down Channel, goods which were shipped and bonded +for exportation, and running them on shore again. You know, Bob, that +there are many articles which are not permitted to enter even upon +paying duty, and when these goods, such as silks, etcetera, are seized +or taken in prizes, they are sold for exportation. Now, it was then the +custom for vessels to take them on board in the river, and run them on +shore as they went down Channel, and the fishing-boats were usually +employed for this service; my father was a well-known hand for this kind +of work, for not being suspected, he was always fortunate; of course, +had he once been caught, they would have had their eyes upon him after +he had suffered his punishment. Now the way my father used to manage +was this: there was a long tunnel-drain from some houses used as +manufactories, about a hundred yards above his cottage, which extended +out into the sea at low-water mark, and which passed on one side of our +cottage. My father had cut from a cellar in the cottage into the drain, +and as it was large enough for a man to kneel down in, he used to come +in at low-water with his coble, and make fast the goods, properly +secured from the wet and dirt in tarpaulin bags, to a rope, which led +from the cellar to the sea through the drain. When the water had flowed +sufficiently to cover the mouth of the drain, he then threw the bags +overboard, and, securing the boat, went to the cottage, hauled up the +articles, and secured them too; d'ye understand? My father had no one +to assist him but my brother, who was a stout fellow, seven years older +than myself, and my mother, who used to give a helping hand when +required; and thus did he keep his own counsel, and grow rich; when all +was right, he got his boat over into the harbour, and having secured +her, he came home as innocent as a lamb. I was then about eight or nine +years old, and went with my father and brother in the coble, for she +required three hands, at least, to manage her properly, and like a +tin-pot, although not very big, I was very useful. Now it so happened +that my father had notice that a brig, laying in Dover harbour, would +sail the next day, and that she had on board of her a quantity of lace +and silks, purchased at the Dover custom-house for exportation, which he +was to put on shore again to be sent up to London. The sending up to +London we had nothing to do with; the agent at Dover managed all that; +we only left the articles at his house, and then received the money on +the nail. We went to the harbour, where we found the brig hauling out, +so we made all haste to get away before her. It blew fresh from the +northward and eastward, and there was a good deal of sea running. As we +were shoving out, the London agent, a jolly little round-faced fellow, +in black clothes, and a bald white head, called to us, and said that he +wanted to board a vessel in the offing, and asked whether we would take +him. This was all a ruse, as he intended to go on board of the brig +with us to settle matters, and then return in the pilot boat. Well, we +hoisted our jib, drew aft our foresheet, and were soon clear of the +harbour; but we found that there was a devil of a sea running, and more +wind than we bargained for; the brig came out of the harbour with a +flowing sheet, and we lowered down the foresail to reef it--father and +brother busy about that, while I stood at the helm, when the agent said +to me, `When do you mean to make a voyage?' `Sooner than father thinks +for,' said I, `for I want to see the world.' It was sooner than I +_thought for_ too, as you shall hear. As soon as the brig was well out, +we ran down to her, and with some difficulty my father and the agent got +on board, for the sea was high and cross, the tide setting against the +wind; my brother and I were left in the boat to follow in the wake of +the brig; but as my brother was casting off the rope forward, his leg +caught in the bight, and into the sea he went; however, they hauled him +on board, leaving me alone in the coble. It was not of much +consequence, as I could manage to follow before the wind under easy +sail, without assistance: so I kept her in the wake of the brig, both of +us running nearly before it at the rate of five miles an hour, waiting +till my father should have made up his packages, of a proper size to +walk through the tunnel drain. + +"The Channel was full of ships, for the westerly winds had detained them +for a long time. I had followed the brig about an hour, when the agent +went on shore in a pilot boat, and I expected my father would soon be +ready; then the wind veered more towards the southward, with dirt: at +last it came on foggy, and I could hardly see the brig, and as it rained +hard, and blew harder, I wished that my father was ready, for my arms +ached with steering the coble for so long a while. I could not leave +the helm, so I steered on at a black lump, as the brig looked through +the fog: at last the fog was so thick that I could not see a yard beyond +the boat, and I hardly knew how to steer. I began to be frightened, +tired, and cold, and hungry I certainly was. Well, I steered on for +more than an hour, when the fog cleared up a little, and to my joy I saw +the stern of the brig just before me. I expected that she would +round-to immediately, and that my father would praise me for my conduct; +and, what was still more to the purpose, that I should get something to +eat and drink. But no: she steered on right down Channel, and I +followed for more than an hour, when it came on to blow very hard, and I +could scarcely manage the boat--she pulled my little arms off. The +weather now cleared up, and I could make out the vessel plainly; when I +discovered that it was not the _brig_, but a bark which I had got hold +of in the fog, so that I did not know what to do; but I did as most boys +would have done in a fright,--I sat down and cried; still, however, +keeping the tiller in my hand, and steering as well as I could. At +last. I could hold it no longer; I ran forward, let go the fore and jib +haul-yards, and hauled down the sails; drag them into the boat I could +not, and there I was, like a young bear adrift in a washing-tub. I +looked around, and there were no vessels near; the bark had left me two +miles astern, it was blowing a gale from the SE, with a heavy sea--the +gulls and sea-birds wheeling and screaming in the storm. The boat +tossed and rolled about so that I was obliged to hold on, but she +shipped no water of any consequence, for the jib in the water forward +had brought her head to wind, and acted as a sort of floating anchor. +At last I lay down at the bottom of the boat and fell asleep. It was +daylight before I awoke, and it blew harder than ever; and I could just +see some vessels at a distance, scudding before the gale, but they could +hardly see me. I sat very melancholy the whole day, shedding tears, +surrounded by nothing but the roaring waves. I prayed very earnestly: I +said the Lord's Prayer, the Belief, and as much of the Catechism as I +could recollect. I was wet, starving, and miserably cold. At night I +again fell asleep from exhaustion. When morning broke, and the sun +shone, the gale abated, and I felt more cheered; but I was now ravenous +from hunger, as well as choking from thirst, and was so weak that I +could scarcely stand. I looked round me every now and then, and in the +afternoon saw a large vessel standing right for me; this gave me courage +and strength. I stood up and waved my hat, and they saw me--the sea was +still running very high, but the wind had gone down. She rounded-to so +as to bring me under her lee. Send a boat she could not, but the sea +bore her down upon me, and I was soon close to her. Men in the chains +were ready with ropes, and I knew that this was my only chance. At +last, a very heavy sea bore her right down upon the boat, lurching over +on her beam ends, her main chains struck the boat and sent her down, +while I was seized by the scruff of the neck by two of the seamen, and +borne aloft by them as the vessel returned to the weather-roll. I was +safe. And, as soon as they had given me something to eat, I told my +story. It appeared that she was an East India-man running down Channel, +and not likely to meet with anything to scud me back again. The +passengers, especially the ladies, were very kind to me: and as there +was no help for it, why, I took my first voyage to the _East Indies_." + +"And your father and your brother?" + +"Why, when I met them, which I did about six years afterwards, I found +that they had been in much the same predicament, having lost the coble, +and the weather being so bad that they could not get on shore again. As +there was no help for it, they took their first voyage to the _West +Indies_; so there was a dispersion of an united family--two went west, +one went east, coble went down, and mother, after waiting a month or +two, and supposing father dead, went off with a soldier. All dispersed +by one confounded gale of wind from the northward and eastward, so +that's the way that I went to sea, Bob. And now it's time that +Moonshine was back." + +But Moonshine kept us waiting for some time: when he returned it was +then quite dark, and we had lighted candles, anxiously waiting for him; +for not only was the bottle empty, but we were very hungry. At last we +heard a conversation at the gate, and Moonshine made his appearance with +the two bottles of spirits, and appeared himself to be also in high +spirits. The pork and peas-pudding soon were on the table. We dined +heartily, and were sitting over the latter part of the first bottle in +conversation, it being near upon the eleventh hour, when we heard a +noise, at the gate--observed some figures of men, who stayed a short +time and then disappeared. The door opened, and Moonshine went out. In +a few seconds he returned, bringing in his arms an anker of spirits, +which he laid on the floor, grinning so wide that his head appeared half +off. Without saying a word, he left the room and returned with another. + +"Why, what the devil's this?" cried Cockle. + +Moonshine made no answer, but went out and in until he had brought six +ankers in, one after another, which he placed in a row on the floor. He +then shut the outside door, bolted it, came in, and seating himself on +one of the tubs, laughed to an excess which compelled him to hold his +sides; Cockle and I looking on in a state of astonishment. + +"Where the devil did all this come from?" cried Cockle, getting out of +his easy chair. "Tell me, sir, or by--" + +"I tell you all, Massa Cockle:--you find me better friend dan Missy +O'Bottom. Now you hab plenty, and neber need scold Moonshine 'pose he +take lilly drap. I get all dis present to you, Massa Cockle." + +Feeling anxious, I pressed Moonshine to tell his story. + +"I tell you all, sar. When I come back wid de two bottle I meet plenty +men wid de tubs: dey say, `Hollo there, who be you?' I say, `I come +from station: bring massa two bottel, and I show um.' Den dey say, +`Where you massa?' and I say, `At um house at Ryde'--(den dey tink dat +you my massa, Massa Farren)--so dey say, `Yes, we know dat, we watch him +dere, but now you tell, so we beat you dead.' Den I say, `What for dat; +massa like drink, why you no gib massa some tub, and den he neber say +noting, only make fuss some time, 'cause of Admirality.' Den dey say, +`You sure of dat?' and I say, `Quite sure massa neber say one word.' +Den dey talk long while; last, dey come and say, `You come wid us and +show massa house.' So two men come wid me, and when dey come to gate I +say, `Dis massa house when he live at Ryde, and dere you see massa;'-- +and I point to Massa Cockle, but dey see Massa Ferran--so dey say. `All +very good; tree, four hour more, you find six tub here; tell you massa +dat every time run tub, he alway hab six;' den dey go way, den dey come +back, leave tub; dat all, massa." + +"You rascal!" exclaimed I, rising up, "so you have compromised me; why I +shall lose my commission if found out." + +"No, sar; nobody wrong but de smuggler; dey make a lilly mistake; case +you brought to court-martial, I give evidence, and den I clear you." + +"But what must we do with the tubs, Cockle?" said I, appealing to him. + +"Do Bob?--why they are a present--a very welcome one, and a very +handsome one into the bargain. I shall not _keep_ them, I pledge you my +word; let that satisfy you--they shall be _fairly entered_." + +"Upon that condition, Cockle," I replied, "I shall of course not give +information against you." (I knew full well what he meant by saying he +would not _keep_ them.) + +"_How_ I do, Massa Cockle," said Moonshine, with a grave face; "I take +um to the Custom-house to-night or to-morrow morning." + +"To-morrow, Moonshine," replied Cockle; "at present just put them out of +sight." + +I did not think it prudent to make any further inquiries; but I +afterwards discovered that the smugglers, true to their word, and still +in error, continued to leave six tubs in old Cockle's garden whenever +they succeeded in running a cargo, which, notwithstanding all our +endeavours, they constantly did. One piece of information I gained from +this affair, I found that the numbers of the cargoes which were run +compared to those which were seized during the remainder of the time I +was on that station, was in the proportion of ten to one. The cargoes +run were calculated by the observations of old Cockle, who, when I +called upon him, used to say very quietly, "I shouldn't wonder if they +did not run a cargo last night, Bob, in spite of all your vigilance--was +it very dark?" + +"On the contrary," replied I, looking at the demure face of the negro; +"I suspect it was _Moonshine_." + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Olla Podrida, by +Frederick Marryat (AKA Captain Marryat) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLLA PODRIDA *** + +***** This file should be named 23139-8.txt or 23139-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/1/3/23139/ + +Produced by Nick Hodson of London, England + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |