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+Project Gutenberg's Olla Podrida, by Frederick Marryat (AKA Captain Marryat)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Olla Podrida
+
+Author: Frederick Marryat (AKA Captain Marryat)
+
+Release Date: October 21, 2007 [EBook #23139]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLLA PODRIDA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Nick Hodson of London, England
+
+
+
+
+Olla Podrida, by Captain Marryat.
+
+________________________________________________________________________
+Captain Frederick Marryat was born July 10 1792, and died August 8 1848.
+He retired from the British navy in 1828 in order to devote himself to
+writing.  In the following 20 years he wrote 26 books, many of which
+are among the very best of English literature, and some of which are
+still in print.
+
+Marryat had an extraordinary gift for the invention of episodes in his
+stories.  He says somewhere that when he sat down for the day's work, he
+never knew what he was going to write.  He certainly was a literary
+genius.
+
+"Olla Podrida" was published in 1840, the fifteenth book to flow from
+Marryat's pen.  It consists of short stories, articles, his Diary on the
+Continent, (as opposed to his Diary in America), short plays.  Except
+for "The Modern Town House" there is very little of great importance in
+the book.
+
+________________________________________________________________________
+OLLA PODRIDA, BY CAPTAIN MARRYAT.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE.
+
+April 3, 1835.
+
+Reader, did you ever feel in that peculiarly distressing state of mind
+in which one oppressing idea displaces or colours every other,
+absorbing, intermingling with, empoisoning, and, like the filth of the
+harpy, turning every thing into disgust--when a certain incubus rides
+upon the brain, as the Old Man of the Mountain did upon the shoulders of
+Sinbad, burdening, irritating, and rendering existence a misery--when,
+looking around, you see but one object perched everywhere and grinning
+at you--when even what you put into your mouth tastes of but that one
+something, and the fancied taste is so unpleasant as almost to prevent
+deglutition--when every sound which vibrates in your ear appears to
+strike the same discordant note, and all and every thing will remind you
+of the one only thing which you would fain forget;--have you ever felt
+any thing like this, reader?  If you have not, then thank God, by way of
+grace, before you out with your knife and fork and begin to cut up the
+contents of these pages.
+
+I have been and am now suffering under one of these varieties of
+"Phobias," and my disease is a Politicophobia, I will describe the
+symptoms.
+
+I am now in the metropolis of England, and when I walk out every common
+house appears to me to be the House of Commons--every lordly mansion the
+House of Lords--every man I meet, instead of being a member of society,
+is transferred by imagination into a member of the senate--every
+chimney-sweep into a bishop, and a Bavarian girl, with her "Py a proom,"
+into an ex-chancellor.  If I return home, the ring at the bell reminds
+me of a Peel--as I mount the stairs I think of the "Lobby"--I throw
+myself on the sofa, and the cushion is transformed into a woolsack--if a
+solitary visitor calls in, I imagine a public meeting, and call out
+chair! chair!--and I as often address my wife as Mr Speaker, as I do
+with the usual appellative of "my dear."
+
+This incubus, like the Catholic anathema, pursues me everywhere--at
+breakfast, the dry toast reminds me of the toasts at public dinners--
+tea, of the East India charter--sugar, of the West India question--the
+loaf, of agricultural distress--and, as every one knows that London eggs
+are a lottery, according as they prove bad or good, so am I reminded of
+a Whig or Tory measure.  When the newspaper is brought in, I walk round
+and round it as a dog will do round the spot he is about to lie down
+upon.  I would fain not touch it; but at last, like a fascinated bird
+who falls per force into the reptile's mouth, so do I plunge into its
+columns, read it with desperation, and when the poison has circulated,
+throw it away in despair.  If I am reminded to say grace at dinner, I
+commence "My Lords, and gentlemen;" and when I seek my bed, as I light
+my taper, I move "that the House do now adjourn."  The tradesmen's bills
+are swelled by my disease into the budget, and the checks upon my banker
+into supplies.  Even my children laugh and wonder at the answers which
+they receive.  Yesterday one brought me her book of animals, and
+pointing to a boa constrictor, asked its name, and I told her it was an
+_O'Connell_.  I am told that I mentioned the names of half the members
+of the Upper and Lower House, and at the time really believed that I was
+calling the beasts by their right names.  Such are the effects of my
+unfortunate disease.
+
+Abroad I feel it even worse than at home.  Society is unhinged, and
+every one is afraid to offer an opinion.  If I dine out, I find that no
+one will speak first--he knows not whether he accosts a friend or foe,
+or whether he may not be pledging his bitter enemy.  Every man looks at
+his neighbour's countenance to discover if he is Whig or Tory: they
+appear to be examining one another like the dogs who meet in the street,
+and it is impossible to conjecture whether the mutual scenting will be
+followed up by a growl or a wag of the tail; however, one remark will
+soon discover the political sentiments of the whole party.  Should they
+all agree, they are so busy in abuse that they rail at their adversaries
+with their mouths full--should they disagree, they dispute so vehemently
+that they forget that they were invited to dinner, and the dishes are
+removed untasted, and the duties of the Amphytryon become a sinecure.
+Go to an evening party or a ball and it is even worse, for young ladies
+talk politics, prefer discussion to flirtation, and will rather win a
+partner over to their political opinions than by their personal charms.
+If you, as a Tory, happen to stand up in a cotillion with a pretty Whig,
+she taps you with her fan that she may tap your politics; if you agree,
+it is "_En avant deux_," if not, a "_chassez croisee_."  Every thing
+goes wrong--she may _set_ to you indeed, but hers is the set of
+defiance, and she shakes her _wig_ against your _Tory_.  To _turn your
+partner_ is impossible, and the only part of the figure which is
+executed _con amore_ is _dos a dos_.  The dance is over, and the lady's
+looks at once tell you that you may save your "oaths," while she "takes
+her seat."
+
+I have tried change of scene--posted to watering places; but the deep,
+deep sea will not drown politics.  Even the ocean in its roaring and
+commotion reminded me of a political union.
+
+I have buried myself in the country, but it has been all in vain.  I
+cannot look at the cattle peacefully grazing without thinking of
+O'Connell's tail, Stanley's tail, and a short-docked pony reminded me of
+the boasted little tail of Colonel Peel.  The farm-yard, with its noisy
+occupants, what was it but the reality so well imitated by the members
+of the Lower House, who would drown argument in discord?  I thought I
+was in the lobby at the close of a long debate.  Every tenth field,
+every tenth furrow, (and I could not help counting,) every tenth animal,
+and every tenth step, reminded me of the Irish tithes; and when I saw a
+hawk swoop over a chicken, I thought of the Appropriation Bill--so I
+left the country.
+
+I have tried every thing--I have been every where, but in vain.  In the
+country there was no relaxation--in society no pleasure--at home no
+relief.  England was disjointed, never to be united until it was
+dismembered--and there was no repose.  I had my choice, either to go
+abroad, or to go mad; and, upon mature deliberation, I decided upon the
+former, as the lesser evil of the two.  So I gave--I sold--I
+discharged--I paid--I packed up, and I planned.  The last was the only
+portion of my multifarious duties not satisfactorily arranged.  I looked
+at the maps, plied my compasses that I might compass my wishes, measured
+distances that I might decide upon my measures--planned, looked over the
+maps--and planned again.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO.
+
+Well, as I said in my last chapter, I planned--and planned--but I might
+as well conjugate it, as many others assisted--it was I planned, thou
+plannedst, he planned, we planned, ye planned, and they planned--and
+what annoyed me was, that I could not help considering that "the whole
+house was in a committee," and without being able "to report progress."
+At first it was _decided upon_ that we should proceed up the Rhine, and
+not leave off paddling until we had arrived at Manheim, at which town I
+fancied that I should at least be out of political distance.  We read
+all about Manheim, found out that it was a regular-built town, with a
+certain number of inhabitants--with promenades, gardens, and a fine view
+of the Rhine.  "So you're going abroad--where?"  Manheim, was the reply,
+and all the world knew that we were bound to Manheim; and every one had
+something to say, or something that they had heard said, about Manheim.
+"Very nice place--Duchess Dowager Stephanie--very cheap--gay in winter--
+masters excellent"--were the variety of changes rung, and all was
+settled; but at last one unlucky observation raised a doubt--another
+increased--a third confirmed it.  "A very dull place--German cookery bad
+for children--steam-boats from Rotterdam very bad, and often obliged to
+pass two nights on deck."  A very influential member of the committee
+took alarm about the children being two nights on deck, and it was at
+last decided that to go up to Manheim by steam-boat at 4 pounds, 9
+shillings a-head, and children at half-price was not to be thought of.
+
+"I wonder you don't go to Bruges," observed a committee man; "nice quiet
+place--excellent masters--every thing so cheap--I once bought eighty
+large peaches there for two francs."
+
+And all the children clapped their little hands, and cried out for
+Bruges and cheap peaches.
+
+It was further submitted that it was convenient--you might go the whole
+of the way by water--and Bruges was immediately under consideration.
+
+"If you go to Bruges, you will find it very dull," observed another;
+"but you'll meet Mrs Trollope there--now Brussels is very little
+farther, and is a delightful place;" and Brussels was also referred to
+the committee.
+
+"You won't like Brussels--there is such a mixture, and house-rent is
+dear.  Now I should recommend Spa for the summer--it is a most beautiful
+spot--and excellent company."  And Spa was added to the list.
+
+Then after a day or two came an Anti-Teutonic, who railed against
+Germany--and Germans--German towns, German travelling, and German
+_French_, which was detestable--German cookery, which was nothing but
+grease.  "You may imagine," said he, "and so have many more, that
+Germany is more pleasant and less expensive than France; but they have
+been disappointed, and so will you be.  Now, for a quiet place, I should
+recommend Saint Omer--only thirty miles from Calais--so convenient--and
+very pretty."
+
+Saint Omer--humph--very quiet and retired--and no politics--and Saint
+Omer was occasionally canvassed.
+
+"Saint Omer!" said another who called the next day, "you'll die of
+ennui.  Go to Boulogne--it is delightful--you may be there as retired or
+as gay as you please."
+
+Boulogne to be taken into consideration many inquiries made and all very
+satisfactory--good sands and excellent jackasses for the children.
+
+"My dear friend, Boulogne is something like the King's Bench--at least
+most of the people only go there in preference.  Every body will suppose
+that you've _levanted_.  Pray don't go to Boulogne."
+
+"Why don't you go by Southampton to Havre--there you'll have quiet and
+amusement--beautiful country about Honfleur--scenery up the Seine
+splendid; and then you can go up to Rouen by water, if you intend to go
+on to Paris."
+
+Havre and Honfleur submitted to the committee.
+
+But then came Dieppe, and Brest, and the environs of Paris, Versailles,
+Saint Germain, Passy, and other recommendations, in which every one
+particular place was proved incontestably to be more particularly suited
+to us than any other, and the committee sat for three weeks, at the end
+of which, upon examining the matured opinions of the last seven days, I
+found them to have fluctuated as follows:--
+
+Monday morning, Manheim.  Evening, Spa.
+
+Tuesday morning, Bruges.  Evening Brussels.
+
+Wednesday morning, Saint Omer.  Evening, Boulogne.
+
+Thursday morning, Havre.  Evening Honfleur.
+
+Friday morning, Dieppe.  Evening, Passy.
+
+Saturday morning, Versailles.  Evening, Saint Germain.
+
+Sunday morning, Spa.  Evening, Brussels.
+
+The fact was, that there was a trifling difference of opinion in the
+committee--the great object appeared to be, and the great difficulty at
+the same time, to find a place which would suit all parties, that is to
+say, a place where there were no politics, plenty of gaiety, and cheap
+peaches.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE.
+
+Paddle, paddle--splash, splash--bump, thump, bump.  What a leveller is
+sea-sickness--almost as great a radical as death.  All grades, all
+respect, all consideration are lost.  The master may summon John to his
+assistance, but John will see his master hanged before he'll go to him;
+he has taken possession of his master's great coat, and he intends to
+keep _it--he_ don't care for warning.
+
+The nurses no longer look after the infant or the children, they may
+tumble overboard--even the fond yearnings of the mother at last yield to
+the overwhelming sensation, and it it were not for the mercenary or
+kind-hearted assistance of those who have become habituated to the
+motion of a vessel, there is no saying how tragical might be the
+commencement of many a party of pleasure to the Continent.
+
+"O lauk, Mary, do just hold this child," says the upper nurse to her
+assistant; "I do feel such a _sinking_ in my stomach."
+
+"Carn't indeed, nurse, I've such a _rising_."
+
+Away hurried both the women at once to the side of the vessel, leaning
+over and groaning heavily.  As for the children, they would soon have
+been past caring for, had it not been for my protecting arms.
+
+Decorum and modesty, next to maternal tenderness, the strongest feelings
+in woman, fall before the dire prostratiou of this malady.  A young lady
+will recline unwittingly in the arms of a perfect stranger, and the
+bride of three months, deserted by her husband, will offer no resistance
+to the uncouth seaman, who, in his kindness, would loosen the laces that
+confine her heaving bosom.
+
+As for politeness, even the _ancien regime_ of the noblesse of France
+put it in their pockets as if there were a general chaos--self is the
+only feeling; not but that I have seen occasional traits of good-will
+towards others.  I once witnessed a young lady smelling to a bottle of
+Eau de Cologne, as if her existence depended upon it, who handed it over
+to another, whose state was even more pitiable, and I was reminded of
+Sir Philip Sidney and the cup of water, as he lay wounded on the field
+of battle, "Thy necessity is greater than mine."  And if I might have
+judged from her trembling lips and pallid countenance, it was almost an
+equal act of heroism.  Paddle, paddle, splash, splash, bump, thump,
+bump--one would really imagine that the passengers were so many pumps,
+all worked at once with the vessel by the same hundred horse power, for
+there were an hundred of them about me, each as sick as a horse.  "_Sic
+omnes_," thought I.
+
+I have long passed the ordeal, and even steam, and smoke, and washing
+basins, and all the various discordant and revolting noises _from those_
+who suffer, have no effect upon my nervous system--still was I doomed to
+torment, and was very sick indeed.  For some time I had been watched by
+the evil eyes of one, whom the Yankees would designate, as _almighty
+ugly_.  He was a thin, spare man, whose accost I could well have spared,
+for he had the look of a demon, and, as I soon found, was possessed with
+the demon of politics.  Imagine what I must have suffered when I found
+out that he was a button-holder to boot.  Observing that I was the only
+one who was in a state to listen, he seized upon me as his victim.  I,
+who had fled from politics with as much horror as others have done from
+the cholera--I, who had encountered all the miseries of steam
+navigation, and all the steam and effluvia of close cabins, to find
+myself condemned with others "alike to groan--" what with King Leopold,
+and William of Nassau, and the Belgian share of the debt, and the French
+and Antwerp, and his pertinacious holding of my button.  "Shall I knock
+him down," thought I; "he insists upon laying his hands upon me, why
+should I not lay my hands upon him?"  But on second consideration, that
+would not have been polite; so I made other attempts to get rid of him,
+but in vain; I turned the subject to far countries--the rascal had been
+everywhere; at one moment he would be at Vienna, and discuss the German
+confederation--at another in South America, canvassing the merits of
+Bolivar and Saint Martin.  There was no stopping him; his tongue was
+like the paddle of a steam-boat, and almost threw as much spray in my
+face.  At last I threw off my coat, which he continued to hold in his
+hand by the third button, and threw myself into one of the cribs
+appropriated to passengers, wishing him a good night.  He put my coat
+down in the crib beneath, and as he could no longer hold the button, he
+laid hold of the side of the crib, and continued his incessant clack.
+At last I turned my back to him, and made no answer, upon which he made
+a retreat, and when I awoke the next morning, I found that he was too
+ill to spout politics, although as he progressed, he spouted what was
+quite as bad.
+
+Par parenthese, he was a great liar, and as he drew a long bow when he
+was able to talk, so did he prove a long shot when he was sea-sick.
+Confound the fellow, I think I see him now--there he stood, a tall,
+gaunt misery, about the height of a workhouse pump, and the basin was on
+the floor of the cabin, nearly three feet from his two feet; without
+condescending to stoop, or to sit down, or to lift up the basin, so as
+to lessen the distance, he poured forth a parabola, "quod nunc
+describere" had just as well be omitted.  I shall therefore dismiss this
+persecuting demon, by stating, that he called himself a baron, the truth
+of which I doubted much; that he was employed by crowned heads, which I
+doubted still more.  On one point, however, I had little doubt, although
+he did not enter upon the subject, (and his tongue to a great degree
+confirmed it) that he was a _chevalier d'industrie_.
+
+"I am rid of him, thank God," exclaimed I, as I went on deck to breathe
+a little fresh air, having lighted my cigar in the steward's berth as I
+ascended.  The first objects which attracted my attention, were a young
+gentleman and lady, the former standing by the latter, who was sitting
+in a pensive position, with her elbow leaning on the gunnel.  She was in
+deep mourning, and closely veiled.
+
+"And how does the beautiful Maria find herself this morning?" said the
+young gentleman, leaning over her with his hand on the rail to support
+himself.
+
+The beautiful Maria!  How was it possible not to be attracted by such a
+distinguishing appellation?  The beautiful Maria!  I thought of Sterne's
+Maria, and the little dog with a string, and I trimmed my ear like a
+windsail in the tropics to catch the soft responding, and most
+assuredly, to my expectant imagination, melodious vibration of the air
+which would succeed.
+
+At last there was a reply.  "Oh! _tol, lol_!"  And that in anything but
+a melodious voice.  "Oh! tol, lol!"  What a bathos!  The beautiful
+Maria, whom in my imagination I had clothed with all the attributes of
+sentiment and delicacy, whom I had conjured up as a beau ideal of
+perfection, replies in a hoarse voice with, "Oh! tol, lol!"  Down she
+went, like the English funds in a panic--down she went to the zero of a
+Doll Tearsheet, and down I went again into the cabin.  Surely this is a
+world of disappointment.
+
+Perhaps I was wrong--she might have been very beautiful, with the voice
+of a peacock; she might also have the plumage--but no, that is
+impossible--she must, from her sex, have been a peahen.  At all events,
+if not very beautiful, she was very sick.  I left the beautiful Maria
+screeching over the gunnel.  If the young gentleman were to repeat the
+same question now, thought I, the beautiful Maria will hardly answer,
+"_Oh! tol, lol_!"
+
+It was very cold on deck, blowing fresh from the East.  I never heard
+any one give a satisfactory reason why a west wind should be warm, and
+an east wind cold in latitude 50 degrees N.  It is not so in the tropics
+when the east wind follows the rarefaction occasioned by the sun.  Yet,
+does not Byron say:--
+
+  "'Tis the land of the east, 'tis the clime of the sun."
+
+Certainly our east winds are not at all poetical.
+
+"Very cold, sir," said I, addressing a round-faced gentleman in a white
+great coat, who rested his chin and his two hands upon a thick cane.
+"You are fortunate in not being sea-sick."
+
+"I beg your pardon, I am not fortunate.  I am worse than sea-sick, for I
+want to be sea-sick and I can't.  I do believe that everything is
+changed now-a-days, since that confounded Reform Bill!"
+
+Politics again, thought I; what the devil has sea-sickness to do with
+the Reform Bill?  Mercy on me, when shall I be at peace?  "There
+certainly has been some change," observed I.
+
+"Change, sir! yes, everything changed.  England of 1835 is no more like
+merry England of olden time, than I am like Louis the Fourteenth--
+ruined, sir--every class suffering, sir--badly ruled, sir."
+
+"Things are much cheaper."
+
+"Much cheaper!  Yes, sir; but what's the good of things being cheap when
+nobody has any money to purchase with?  They might just as well be dear.
+It's a melancholy discovery, sir, this steam."
+
+"Melancholy just now to those who are on board, and suffering, I grant."
+
+"Pooh, nonsense! melancholy to those on shore, sir; the engines work
+while man looks on and starves.  Country ruined, sir--people miserable--
+thrown out of employment, while foreigners reap the benefit; we sell
+them our manufactures at a cheaper rate; we clothe them well, sir, at
+the expense of our own suffering population.  But is this all, sir?
+_Oh, no_!"
+
+And here the gentleman dropped his chin again upon his hands, and looked
+very woeful indeed.  After a few seconds, he resumed.
+
+"We are dismembered, sir--ruined by faction.  Society is disintegrated
+by political animosities; thousands have retreated from the scene of
+violence and excitement, to find peace and repose in a foreign land."
+
+I nodded an assent.
+
+"Ay, sir, and thousands will follow, withdrawing from the country its
+resources, circulating millions which enrich other nations, and avoiding
+their own share of the national burdens, which fall still heavier upon
+those who remain.  But is that all, sir?  _Oh, no_!"
+
+This second "oh, no!" was pronounced in a more lugubrious note: he shook
+his head, and after a pause, he recommenced.  "England is no longer
+priest-ridden, sir; but she is worse, she is _law-ridden_.  Litigation
+and law expenses have, like locusts, devoured up the produce of
+industry.  No man is safe without a lawyer at his elbow, making over to
+him a part of his annual income to secure the remainder.  And then
+there's Brougham.  But, sir, is that all?  _Oh, no_!"
+
+Another pause, and he continued.  "I never grumble--I hate grumblers; I
+never talk of politics--I hate politics; but, sir, is it not the case,
+that madmen and fools have united to ruin the country?  Is it not true,
+sir, that unable to rise by their talents, and urged by a wicked
+ambition, they have summoned main force, and the power of numbers to
+their assistance, and have raised a spirit which they cannot put down
+again?  Is it not true, sir, that treason walks barefaced through the
+land, pointing to general destruction--to a violation of all rights, to
+anarchy, confusion, and the shedding of blood? is not reason borne down
+by faction, sir? but, sir, is that all?  _Oh, no_!"
+
+This last "oh, no!" was more melancholy than the preceding, but I
+considered that my companion must have nearly exhausted his budget of
+miseries, and was curious to ascertain what would come next.
+
+"What, is there more, sir?" inquired I, innocently.
+
+"More, sir.  Yes, sir, plenty more.  I ask you whether even the seasons
+have not changed in our unhappy country; have we not summer with
+unusual, unexampled heat, and winters without cold; when shall we ever
+see the mercury down below sixty degrees again? never, sir.  What is
+summer but a season of alarm and dread?  Does not the cholera come in as
+regularly as green peas--terrifying us to death, whether we die of it or
+not?  Of what advantage are the fruits of the earth so bountifully
+bestowed--have they not all been converted into poisons?  Who dares to
+drink a light summer wine now?  Are not all vegetables abjured, peaches
+thrown to the pigs, and strawberries ventured upon only by little boys
+who sweep the streets, with the broom in one hand and the pottle in the
+other?  Are not melons rank poison, and cucumbers sudden death?  And in
+the winter, sir, are we better off?  Instead of the wholesome frosts of
+olden days, purifying the air and the soil, and bracing up our nerves,
+what have we but the influenza, which lasts us for four months, and the
+spasmodic cough which fills up the remainder of the year?  I am no
+grumbler, sir, I hate and abhor anything like complaining, but this I
+will say, that the world has been turned upside down--that everything
+has gone wrong--that peace has come to us unattended by plenty--that
+every body is miserable; and that vaccination and steam, which have been
+lauded as blessings, have proved the greatest of all possible curses,
+and that there is no chance of a return to our former prosperity, unless
+we can set fire to our coal mines, and re-introduce the small-pox.  But,
+sir, the will of Heaven be done, I shall say no more; I don't wish to
+make other people unhappy; but pray don't think, sir, I've told you all.
+_Oh, no_!"
+
+At this last "oh, no!" my companion laid his face down upon his
+knuckles, and was silent.  I once more sought the deck, and preferred to
+encounter the east wind.  "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind, thou art not so
+unkind," soliloquised I, as I looked over the bows, and perceived that
+we were close to the pile entrance of the harbour of Ostend.  Ten
+minutes afterwards there was a cessation of paddle, paddle, thump,
+thump, the stern-fast was thrown on the quay, there was a rush on board
+of commissionnaires, with their reiterated cries accompanied with cards
+thrust into your hands, "Hotel des Bains, Monsieur."  "Hotel Waterloo,
+Monsieur."  "Hotel Bellevue."  "Hotel Bedford, Monsieur."  "Hotel
+d'Angleterre," _ad infinitum_--and then there was the pouring out of the
+Noah's Ark, with their countenances wearing a most paradoxical
+appearance, for they evidently showed that they had had, quite enough of
+water, and, at the same time, that they required a great deal more.  I
+looked at my children, as they were hoisted up from the ladies' cabin,
+one after another; and upon examination I decided that, with their
+smudged faces, the Hotel des _Bains_ would be the most appropriate to
+their condition; so there we went.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR.
+
+Ostend, April 18, 1835.
+
+I was confoundedly taken in by a rascal of a commissionnaire, and aware
+how the feelings of travellers are affected by the weather or the
+treatment they receive at any place they may pass through, I shall
+display the heroism of saying nothing about the place, except that I
+believe Ostend to be the most rascally hole in the world, and the sooner
+the traveller is out of it so much the better will it be for his purse
+and for his temper.
+
+April 19.
+
+It has been assumed as an axiom that every one in this world is fond of
+power.  During our passage in the track-schuyt I had an evidence to the
+contrary, for as we glided noiselessly and almost imperceptibly along, a
+lady told me that she infinitely preferred the three-horse power of the
+schuyt to the hundred-horse power of the steam-packet.  We arrived at
+Bruges, escaping all the horrors and difficulties of steam navigation.
+
+House rent at Bruges is cheap, because one half of the houses are
+empty--at least that was the cause assigned to me, although I will not
+vouch for its being the true one.  The reader may remember that this was
+the site of cheap peaches, but none met our sight, the trees not being
+yet in blossom.  I ought to observe, for the satisfaction of the Foreign
+Bible Society, that at the hotel at Bruges I saw a book of their
+exportation lying on the chimney-piece in excellent preservation.
+
+April 21.
+
+As to what passed on our canal voyage to Ghent, I can only say that
+every thing passed us--for the roads were very heavy, the horses very
+lazy, and the boys still lazier--they rode their horses listlessly,
+sitting on them sideways, as I have seen lads in the country swinging on
+a gate--whereby the _gait_ of the track-schuyt could not be styled a
+swinging pace.  We did arrive at last, and thus ended our water
+carriage.  At Ghent we went to the Hotel Royal, from out of the windows
+of which I had a fine view of the belfry, surmounted by the Brazen
+Dragon brought from Constantinople; and as I conjured up times past, and
+I thought how the belfry was built and how the dragon got there, I found
+myself at last wandering in the Apocrypha of "Bel and the Dragon."
+
+We went to see the picture by Van Eck, in the cathedral of Saint Bovin.
+The reader will probably wish to know who was Saint Bovin--so did I--and
+I asked the question of the sacristan: the reader shall have the benefit
+of the answer, "Saint Bovin, monsieur, il etait un _saint_."
+
+That picture of Van Eck's is worth a van full of most of the pictures we
+see: it was Van Eck who invented, and was indeed the father of painting
+in oil.  It is a wonderful production.
+
+Mrs Trollope says that people run through Belgium as if it were a mere
+railroad to other countries.  That is very true--we did the same--for
+who would stop at Ostend to be swindled, or at Bruges to look at empty
+houses, or at Ghent, which is nothing but a Flanders Birmingham, when
+Brussels and King Leopold, and the anticipation of something more
+agreeable, were only thirty miles off.  Not one day was our departure
+postponed; with post-horses and postilions we posted post haste to
+Brussels.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE.
+
+April 22.
+
+The Queen of Belgium "a fait un enfant."  On the Continent it is always
+the wife who is considered as the faiseuse; the husband is supposed, and
+very often with justice to have had nothing to do in the matter--it
+certainly does appear to be optional on the part of the ladies, for they
+limit their family to their exact wishes or means of support.  How
+different is it in England, where children will be born whether it is
+convenient or not!  O Miss Martineau! you may talk about the "preventive
+check," but where is it?  In England it would be as valuable as the
+philosopher's stone.
+
+I think that the good people of Paris would do well, as they appear just
+now to have left religion in abeyance, to take up the manners and
+customs of the empire of the Nahirs, a Mahratta nation, which I once
+read about.  In that country, as in heaven, there is no marrying, nor
+giving in marriage.  All are free, and all inheritance is through the
+children of the sister; for although it is impossible to know who may be
+the father of any of the children, they are very certain that the
+sister's children must have the blood on the maternal side.  What a good
+arrangement this would be for the Parisians--how many _peches a mortels_
+would they get rid of--such as adultery, fornication, etcetera,--by
+passing one simple law of the land.  By-the-by, what an admirable idea
+for reforming a nation--they say that laws, now-a-days, are made to
+prevent crime: but if laws were enacted by which crime should no longer
+be considered as crime, what a deal of trouble might be saved.
+
+The theatre is closed owing to the want of funds; the want of funds is
+owing to the want of honesty on the part of the manager having run away
+with the strong box, which was decidedly the very best box in the
+theatre.
+
+April 26.
+
+I went to see a species of Franconi, or Astley's: there is little
+variety in these performances, as there are only a certain quantity of
+feats, which can be performed either by the horses or the riders,
+nevertheless we had some novelty.  We had the very best feminine rider I
+ever saw; she was a perfect female Centaur, looking part and parcel of
+the animal upon which she stood; and then we had a regularly Dutch-built
+lady, who amused us with a tumble off her horse, coming down on the
+loose saw-dust, in a sitting posture, and making a hole in it as large
+as if a covey of partridges had been husking in it for the whole day.
+An American black (there always is a black fellow in these companies,
+for, as Cooper says, they learn to ride well in America by stealing
+their masters' horses) rode furiously well and sprained his ankle--the
+attempt of a man in extreme pain to smile is very horrible--yet he did
+grin as he bowed and limped away.  After that we had a performer, who
+had little chance of spraining her ankle: it was a Miss Betsey, a female
+of good proportions, who was, however, not a little sulky that evening,
+and very often refused to perform her task, and as for forcing the
+combined will of a female and an elephant to boot, there was no man rash
+enough to attempt it, so she did as little as she pleased, and it
+pleased her to do very little; one feat, however, was novel, she took a
+musket in her mouth, and fired it off with her trunk.
+
+When I was in India I was very partial to these animals; there was a
+most splendid elephant, which had been captured by the expedition sent
+to Martaban; he stood four or five feet higher than elephants usually
+do, and was a great favourite of his master, the rajah.  When this
+animal was captured there was great difficulty in getting him on board
+of the transport.  A raft was made, and he was very unwillingly
+persuaded to trust his huge carcass upon it; he was then towed off with
+about thirty of the natives on the raft, attending him; the largest
+purchases and blocks were procured to hoist him in, the mainyards doubly
+secured, and the fall brought to the capstern.  The elephant had been
+properly slung, the capstern was manned, and his huge bulk was lifted in
+the air, but he had not risen a foot before the ropes gave way, and down
+he came again on the raft with a heavy surge, a novelty which he did not
+appear to approve of.  A new fall was rove, and they again manned the
+capstern; this time the tackle held, and up went the gentleman in the
+air; but he had not forgotten the previous accident, and upon what
+ground it is impossible to say, he ascribed his treatment to the
+natives, who were assisting him on the raft.  As he slowly mounted in
+the air, he looked about him very wroth, his eyes and his trunk being
+the only portions of his frame at liberty.  These he turned about in
+every direction as he ascended--at last, as he passed by the main
+channels, he perceived the half of a maintop-sail yard, which had been
+carried away in the slings, lying on the goose-necks; it was a weapon
+that suited him admirably; he seized hold of it, and whirling it once
+round with his trunk, directed the piece of wood with such good aim,
+that he swept about twenty of the natives off the raft, to take their
+chance with a strong tide and plenty of alligators.  It was the
+self-possession of the animal which I admired so much, swinging in the
+air in so unusual a position for an elephant, he was as collected as if
+he had been roaming in his own wild forests.  He arrived and was
+disembarked at Rangoon, and it was an amusement to me, whenever I could
+find time to watch this animal, and two others much smaller in size who
+were with him; but he was my particular pet.  Perhaps the reader will
+like to have the diary of an elephant when not on active service.  At
+what time animals get up who never lie down without being ordered, it is
+not very easy to say.  The elephants are stalled at the foot of some
+large tree, which shelters them during the day from the extreme heat of
+the sun; they stand under this tree, to which they are chained by their
+hind legs.  Early in the morning the keeper makes his appearance from
+his hovel, and throws the respective keys down to the elephants, who
+immediately unlock the padlocks of the chains, cast themselves loose,
+and in the politest manner return the keys to the keeper; they then
+march off with him to the nearest forest, and on their arrival commence
+breaking down the branches of the trees, selecting those which are most
+agreeable to their palates, and arranging them in two enormous faggots.
+When they have collected as much as they think they require, they make
+withies and bind up their two faggots, and then twist another to connect
+the two, so as to hang them over their backs down on each side, and
+having thus made their provision, they return home; the keeper may or
+may not be present during this performance.  All depends upon whether
+the elephants are well trained, and have been long in servitude.  Upon
+their return, the elephants pass the chains again round their legs, lock
+the padlock, and present the key as before; they then amuse themselves
+with their repast, eating all the leaves and tender shoots, and
+rejecting the others.  Now when an elephant has had enough to eat, he
+generally selects a long bough, and pulling off all the lateral
+branches, leaves a bush at the end forming a sort of whisk to keep off
+the flies and mosquitoes; for although the hide of the elephant is very
+thick, still it is broken into crannies and cracks, into which the
+vermin insert themselves.  Sometimes they have the following ingenious
+method of defending themselves against these tormentors--they put the
+end of their trunk down in the dust, draw up as large a quantity as they
+can, and turning their trunks over their heads, pour it out over their
+skin, powdering and filling up the interstices, after which they take
+the long branch I have before mentioned, and amuse themselves by
+flapping it right and left, and in all directions about their bodies,
+wherever the insects may settle.
+
+And now for an instance of self-denial, which I have often witnessed on
+the part of my friend the large elephant.  I have observed him very
+busy, flapping right and flapping left, evidently much annoyed by the
+persecution of the mosquitoes; by-the-by, no one can have an idea how
+hard the tiger-mosquito can bite.  I will, however, give an instance of
+it, for the truth of which I cannot positively vouch; but I remember
+that once, when it rained torrents, and we were on a boating expedition,
+a marine who, to keep his charge dry, had his fore-finger inserted in
+the barrel of his musket, pulled it out in a great hurry, exclaiming to
+his comrade, "May I be shot, Bill, if one of them beggars ha'n't bit me
+right through the barrel of my musket."  This _par parenthese_, and now
+to proceed.  As I said before, the elephant showed, by constant
+flagellation of his person, that he was much annoyed by his persecutors,
+and just at that time, the keeper brought a little naked black thing, as
+round as a ball, which in India I believe they call a child, laid it
+down before the animal with two words in Hindostanee--"_Watch it_!" and
+then walked away into the town.  The elephant immediately broke off the
+larger part of the bough, so as to make a smaller and more convenient
+whisk, and directed his whole attention to the child, gently fanning the
+little lump of Indian ink, and driving away every mosquito which came
+near it; this he continued for upwards of two hours regardless of
+himself, until the keeper returned.  It was really a beautiful sight,
+and causing much reflection.  Here was a monster, whose bulk exceeded
+that of the infant by at least two thousand times, acknowledging that
+the image of his Maker, even in its lowest degree of perfection, was
+divine; silently proving the truth of the sacred announcement, that God
+had "given to man dominion over the beasts of the field."  And here,
+too, was a brute animal setting an example of devotion and self-denial,
+which but few Christians, none indeed but a mother, could have
+practised.  Would Fowell Buxton, surrounded by a host of mosquitoes,
+have done as much for a fellow-creature, white or black? not he; he
+would have flapped his own thighs, his own ears, his own face, and his
+own every thing, and have left his neighbours to take care of
+themselves; nor would I blame him.
+
+As I am on the subject, I may as well inform my readers how and in which
+way this elephant and I parted company, for it was equally
+characteristic of the animal.  The army was ordered to march, and the
+elephants were called into requisition to carry the tents.  The
+quarter-master general, the man with four eyes, as the natives called
+him, because he wore spectacles, superintended the loading of the
+animals--tent upon tent was heaped upon my friend, who said nothing,
+till at last he found that they were overdoing the thing, and then he
+roared out his complaints, which the keeper explained; but there was
+still one more tent to be carried, and, therefore, as one more or less
+could make no difference, it was ordered to be put upon his back.  The
+elephant said no more, but he turned sulky.  Enough was as good as a
+feast with him, and he considered this treatment as no joke.  Now it so
+happened that at the time the main street, and the only street of the
+town, which was at least half a mile long, was crowded to suffocation
+with tattoos, or little ponies, and small oxen, every one of them loaded
+with a couple of cases of claret, or brandy, or something else, slung on
+each side of them, attended by coolies, who, with their hooting, and
+pushing, and beating, and screaming, created a very bustling and lively
+scene.  When the last tent was put on the elephant he was like a
+mountain with canvass on each side of him, bulging out to a width equal
+to his own; there was just room for him to pass through the two rows of
+houses on each side of the street, and not ten inches to spare; he was
+ordered by the keeper to go on--he obeyed the order certainly, but in
+what way--he threw his trunk up in the air, screamed a loud shriek of
+indignation, and set off at a trot, which was about equal in speed to a
+horse's gallop, right down the street, mowing down before him every
+pony, bullock, and coolie that barred his passage; the confusion was
+indescribable, all the little animals were with their legs in the air,
+claret and brandy poured in rivulets down the streets, coolies screamed
+as they threw themselves into the doors and windows; and at one fell
+swoop the angry gentle man demolished the major part of the comforts of
+the officers, who were little aware how much they were to sacrifice for
+the sake of an extra tent.  With my eyes I followed my friend in his
+reckless career, until he was enveloped and hid from my view in a cloud
+of dust, and that was my farewell of him.  I turned round, and observed
+close to me the quarter-master general, looking with all his _four eyes_
+at the effects of his inhumanity.  But I have wandered some twenty
+thousand miles from Brussels, and must return.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX.
+
+                                                        Brussels, May 5.
+His Belgian Majesty, the Belgian ministers, Belgian ambassadors, Belgian
+authorities, and all the Belgian nobility and gentry, all the English
+who reside in Brussels for economy and quiet, and all the exiles and
+propaganda who reside here to kick up a row, have all left Brussels by
+the Porte d'Anvers.  And all the Belgians who live at Brussels have shut
+up their shops, and gone out by the Porte d'Anvers.  And the whole
+populace, men, women, and children, have gone out of the Porte d'Anvers.
+And all the infants have also gone, because the mothers could not leave
+them at home.  And the generals, and their staffs, and the officers, and
+all the troops, and all the artillery, have also left Brussels, and gone
+out at the Porte d'Anvers, to keep the said populace quiet and in good
+order.  So that there is no one left at Brussels, and Brussels must for
+one day take care of itself.
+
+And now you of course wish to know why they have all left Brussels, and
+further, why they have gone through the Porte d'Anvers.
+
+Because there is this day the commemoration of the inauguration of the
+_Chemin de Fer_, which has just been completed from Brussels to Malines,
+and which is on this day to be opened, that is to say, that three steam
+tugs, whose names are the Stephenson, the Arrow, and the Elephant, are
+to drag to Malines and back again in the presence of his majesty, all
+his majesty's ministers, all the ambassadors who choose to go, all the
+heads of the departments, and every body else who can produce a
+satisfactory yellow ticket, which will warrant their getting into one of
+the thirty-three omnibuses, diligences, or cars, which are attached to
+the said three steam-tugs, the Arrow, the Stephenson, and the Elephant.
+I shall go and see it--I will not remain at Brussels by myself, the
+"last man."
+
+                                                                  May 6.
+It was a brilliant affair, and went off well, because the trains went on
+well.  We were tugged through twelve miles of the most fertile pasture
+in the universe, the whole line of road so crowded with spectators, as
+to make evident the extreme populousness of the country.  For the first
+mile it was one mass of people--and a Belgian crowd has a very agreeable
+effect, from the prevailing colours being blue and white, which are very
+refreshing, and contrast pleasantly with the green background.  Every
+man had his blouse, and every woman her cap and straw bonnet; but if the
+Belgians look well _en masse_, I cannot say that they do so in detail:
+the men we do not expect much from, but the women are certainly the
+plainest race in the whole world--I will not except the Africans.  In
+some of our men-of-war it was formerly the custom to have an old knife,
+which was passed from one to the other, as the men joined the ship,
+being handed to the ugliest man they could find; he held the knife until
+another came, more unfortunate in physiognomy than himself, when it was
+immediately made over to the last, who was obliged in his turn to retain
+it until he could discover some one even more unprepossessing.
+Following up this principle with the women of Belgium, and comparing
+them with other European states, they are most unequivocally entitled to
+hold the knife, and unless they improve by crossing the breed, I am
+afraid they will have it in their possession for centuries.
+
+We arrived safe at Malines, and I was infinitely amused at the variety
+of astonishment in the five hundred thousand faces which we passed.  In
+one rich meadow I beheld a crowd of Roman Catholic priests, who looked
+at the trains in such a manner as if they thought that they were
+"heretical and damnable," and that the Chemin de Fer was nothing but the
+Chemin d'Enfer.  At Malines we all got out, walked to a stone pillar,
+where a speech was made to the sound of martial music, and we all got in
+again.  And then to show the power of his engines, Mr Stephenson
+attached all the cars, omnibuses, and diligences together, and directed
+the Elephant to take us back without assistance from the other two
+engines.  So the Elephant took us all in tow, and away we went at a very
+fair pace.  It must have been a very beautiful sight to those who were
+looking on the whole train in one line, covered with red cloth and
+garlands of roses with white canopies over head, and decorated with
+about three hundred Belgian flags, of yellow, red, and black.  However,
+the huge animal who dragged this weight of eighty tons became thirsty at
+Ville Vorde, and cast us off--it took him half an hour to drink--that is
+to say, to take in water, and then he set off again, and we arrived
+safely at Brussels, much to the delight of those who were in the cars
+and also of his majesty, and all his ministers, and all his authorities,
+and all the mercantile classes, who consider that the millennium is
+come, but very much to the disappointment of the lower classes, who have
+formed the idea that the _Chemin de Fer_ will take away their bread, and
+who therefore longed for a blow-up.  And Mr Stephenson having succeeded
+in bringing back in safety his decorated cars, has been _decore_
+himself, and is now a Chevalier de l'Ordre Leopold.  Would not the
+_Iron_ order of the Belgian patriots have been more appropriate as a
+_Chemin de Fer_ decoration?
+
+It is impossible to contemplate any steam-engine, without feeling wonder
+and admiration at the ingenuity of man; but this feeling is raised to a
+degree of awe when you look at a locomotive engine--there is such
+enormous power compressed into so small a space--I never can divest
+myself of the idea that it is possessed of _vitality_--that it is a
+living as well as a moving being--and that idea, joined with its immense
+power, conjures up in my mind that it is some spitting, fizzing,
+terrific demon, who, if he could escape control, would be ready and
+happy to drag us by thousands to destruction.
+
+And will this powerful invention prove to mankind a _blessing_ or a
+_curse_?--like the fire which Prometheus stole from heaven to vivify his
+statue, may it not be followed by the evils of Pandora's fatal casket?
+
+The lower classes of Belgium have formed an idea that the introduction
+of steam is to take away their bread.  Let us examine whether there is
+not in this idea a degree of instinctive and prophetic truth.
+
+The axiom of our political economists is, that the grand object to be
+sought and obtained is to produce the greatest possible results by the
+smallest possible means.  The axiom, as an axiom by itself, is good; but
+the axiom to be opposed to it is, that the well-being and happiness of
+any state depends upon obtaining full employment for the whole industry
+of the people.
+
+The population of Belgium is enormous.  In England we calculate about
+eighteen hundred souls to the square league.  In Belgium it amounts to
+three thousand eight hundred souls to the square league.  Now it would
+be impossible for Belgium to support this population, were it not, in
+the first place, for her extensive manufactories, (for upon the cotton
+manufactories alone, in which steam is as yet but partially introduced,
+two hundred and fifty thousand souls depend for their existence,) and in
+the second place, from the subdivision of the land in small portions,
+arising from the laws of inheritance, which bar the right of
+primogeniture; the consequence of which is, that the major part of
+Belgium is cultivated by spade husbandry, and is in the very highest
+state of fertility.  Nevertheless, the proportion of those who receive
+relief in Belgium from public institutions and private charities of all
+descriptions amounts even at present to _one in eight persons_.  Now,
+allowing that the steam-engine should be generally introduced into this
+country, the consequence must be, that machinery will supply the place,
+and do the work of man.  And what may be the result? that thousands will
+be thrown out of employment, and must be supported by the nation.  When
+the population is so dense that there is not room for the labour of its
+present inhabitants, it is clear that the introduction of machinery can
+have but one effect--that of increasing pauperism.  Are not, then, the
+Belgians right in thinking that it will deprive them of their bread?
+
+That machinery has already had that effect to a certain degree in
+England cannot be denied; and not only our manufacturing, but our
+agricultural population, have been distressed from an adherence to the
+same principle, of obtaining the greatest possible results from the
+smallest possible means.  The subdivision of land will do more to
+relieve the agricultural distress than anything else.  At present large
+farms are preferred both by landlord and tenant, because a large farm
+can be cultivated with a fewer number of men and horses; but how does
+this act?  It throws a certain quantity of labourers out of employ, who
+are supported in idleness.  Is the sum gained by farmers by employing
+fewer men on large farms more than their proportion of the poor's rates
+paid for unproductive industry?  That it may be more to the farmers is
+possible, as they shift a great part of the onus upon others; but to the
+nation it certainly is not--for the man who does not work must still be
+fed.  May we not then consider the following propositions as correct?
+
+That, producing the greatest possible results from the least possible
+means, is an axiom which can only hold good when it does not interfere
+with the industry of the people.  That, as long as the whole population
+are employed, such powers become a benefit, and a source of extra
+wealth.  But that, in proportion as it throws the population out of
+employment, so much the more does it prove an injury, and must finally
+lead to a state of things which must end in riot, anarchy, and
+confusion.  _Quod est demonstrandum_--I hope it will not be in our time.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN.
+
+                                                                Antwerp.
+Every one has heard of the cathedral at Antwerp and the fine pictures by
+Rubens--every one has heard of the siege of Antwerp and General Chasse,
+and how the French marched an army of non-intervention down to the
+citadel, and took it from the Dutch--and every one has heard how Lord
+Palmerston protocol-ed while Marshal Gerard bombard-ed--and how it was
+all bombard and bombast.  The name of Lord Palmerston reminds me that
+conversing after dinner with some Belgians, the topic introduced was the
+great dearth of diplomatic talent in a country like England, where
+talent was in every other department so extremely prominent.  It was not
+the first time that this subject had been canvassed in my presence by
+foreigners.  Naturally envious of our general superiority, it is with
+them a favourite point of attack; and they are right, as it certainly is
+our weakest point.  They cannot disparage our army, or our navy, or our
+constitution; but they can our climate, which is not our fault, but our
+misfortune; and our diplomacy, which is our fault, and has too often
+proved our misfortune also.
+
+It certainly is the fact, that our diplomatic corps are very inferior,
+and this can arise but from one cause; the emoluments which have been
+attached to it having rendered admission into it an advantage eagerly
+sought by the higher classes as a provision for the junior branches of
+their families.  Of course, this provision has been granted to those to
+whom government have felt most indebted for support, without the least
+regard to the important point as to whether those who were admitted were
+qualified or not; so that the mere providing for a younger son of an
+adherent to the government may have proved in the end to have cost the
+country millions from the incompetence of the party when placed in a
+situation requiring tact and discrimination.  This evil is increased by
+the system of filling up the vacant appointments according to
+seniority--the exploded and absurd custom of "each second being heir
+unto the first."  Should any man have proved, upon an emergency, that he
+was possessed of the highest talent for diplomacy, it will avail him
+nothing--he never, under the present system, will be employed--he cannot
+be admitted into the corps without having entered as a private secretary
+or attache.  It would be monstrous, unheard _of_; and the very idea
+would throw Lord Aberdeen on the one side, or Lord Palmerston on the
+other, into convulsions.  Is it therefore to be wondered at our being so
+deficient in our diplomatic corps?  Surely if any point more than
+another requires revision and reform, it is this; and the nation has a
+right to insist upon it.
+
+It may be asked, what are the most peculiar qualities necessary in a
+diplomatist, taking it for granted that he has talents, education, and a
+thorough knowledge of the routine of business?  The only term which we
+can give to this `desideratum is' presence of mind--not the presence of
+mind required in danger, but that presence of _mind_ which enables him,
+when a proposition is made, at once to seize all its bearings, the
+direction to which it tends, and the ultimate object (for that will
+always be concealed at first) which the proposer may have in view.
+Diplomatists, when they enter the field, are much in the situation of
+two parties, one defending and the other attacking a stronghold.
+Admissions are highly dangerous, as they enable the adversary to throw
+up his first parallels; and too often, when you imagine that the enemy
+is not one jot advanced, you find that he has worked through a covered
+way, and, you are summoned to surrender.  It is strange that, at the
+very time that they assert that it would be impossible to employ those
+as diplomatists who have not been regularly trained to the service,
+officers in the army, and captains in the navy are continually so
+employed, and often under circumstances of vital importance.  Now it
+would be supposed that the latter of all people they must be the most
+unfit; as, generally speaking, they are sent to sea, _as unfit for
+anything else_.  But it appears that once commanding a frigate, they are
+supposed to be fit for everything.  A vessel is ordered for "particular
+service," why so called I know not, except that there may be an elision,
+and it means "particularly _disagreeable_ service."  The captain is
+directed by the Admiralty to consider himself under the orders of the
+Foreign Office, and he receives a huge pile of documents, numbered,
+scheduled, and red-taped (as Bulwer says in his pamphlet), the contents
+of which he is informed are to serve as a guide for his proceedings.  He
+reads them over with all their verbiage and technicalities, sighs for
+Cobbett's pure Saxon, and when he has finished, feels not a little
+puzzled.  Document Number 4 contradicting document Number 12, and
+document Number 1 opposed to Number 66; that is, as _he_ reads and
+understands English.  Determined to understand them if possible, he
+takes a dose of protocol every morning, until he has nearly learnt them
+by heart, and then acts to the best of his knowledge and belief.  And it
+is undeniable that, with very few exceptions, the navy have invariably
+given satisfaction to the Foreign Office when they have been so
+employed, and often under circumstances of peculiar difficulty.  I have
+heard, from the best authority, that military men have also been equally
+successful, although they have not so often been called into "particular
+service."  By the bye, particular service is all done at the same price
+as general service in his Majesty's navy, which is rather unfair, as we
+are obliged to find our own red tape, pens, ink, and stationery.
+
+As I was walking on the glacis with a friend, he pointed out to me at a
+window an enormous fat man smoking his pipe, and told me that he had
+been in the Dutch service under William of Orange; but not being a very
+good hand at a forced march, he had been reduced with others to
+half-pay.  He had not been many months in retirement when he went to the
+palace, and requested an audience of his Majesty, and, when admitted,
+stated that he had come to request that his Majesty would be pleased to
+put him again upon full pay.  His Majesty raised many objections, and
+stated his inability to comply with his request; upon which the
+corpulent officer exclaimed, embracing with his arms as far as he could,
+his enormous paunch, "My God! your Majesty, how can you imagine that I
+can fill this big belly of mine with only my half-pay?"  This
+_argumentum ad ventrem_ so tickled King William, that he was put on
+_full pay unattached_, and has continued so ever since.  The first
+instance I ever heard of a _man_ successfully pleading as ladies do at
+the Old Bailey.
+
+It is hard for a wanderer from childhood like me, to find out anything
+new or interesting.  I have travelled too much and have seen too much--I
+seldom now admire.  I draw comparisons, and the comparison drawn between
+the object before my eyes, and that in my mind's eye, is unfortunately
+usually in favour of the latter.  He who hath visited so many climes,
+mingled with so many nations, attempted so many languages, and who has
+hardly anything left but the North Pole or the crater of Vesuvius to
+choose between; if he still longs for something new, may well cavil at
+the pleasures of memory as a mere song.  In proportion as the memory is
+retentive, so is decreased one of the greatest charms of existence--
+novelty.  To him who hath seen much, there is little left but
+comparison, and are not comparisons universally odious?  Not that I
+complain, for I have a resource--I can fly to imagination--quit this
+every-day world, and in the region of fiction create new scenes and
+changes, and people these with new beings.
+
+Moreover, there is still endless variety, endless amusement, and food
+for study and contemplation, in our own species.  In all countries still
+the same, yet ever varying:--
+
+  "The proper study of mankind is man."
+
+From which, I presume, we are to infer that it is time thrown away to
+study woman.
+
+At the same party in which the conversation was raised relative to
+diplomacy, a person with whom I was, until that day, wholly
+unacquainted, was sitting by me, and as it happened, the name of one
+with whom I had long been on terms of intimacy was mentioned.  "Do you
+know him?" said my neighbour, with a very peculiar expression.  I
+replied that I had occasionally met him, for I thought there was
+something coming forward.
+
+"Well, all I can say is, that he is rather a strange person."
+
+"Indeed!" replied I; "how do you mean?"
+
+"Why, they say, that he is of a very uncertain temper."
+
+"Indeed!" continued I, with the same look of inquiry, as if demanding
+more information.
+
+"Yes, yes, rather a dangerous man."
+
+"Do you know him?" inquired I, in return.
+
+"Yes; that is to say--not very intimately--the fact is, that I have
+avoided it.  I grant that he is a very clever man--but I hear that he
+quarrels with everybody."
+
+"Who told you so?" replied I.
+
+Oh! he was not authorised to give the name of the person.
+
+"Then," replied I, "allow me to say that you have been misinformed.  I
+have been on intimate terms with that person for nearly twenty years,
+during which he never quarrelled with me or any one that I know of;
+although, I grant, he is not over civil to those whom he may despise.
+The only part of your communication which is correct is, that he is a
+very clever man, and our government are of the same opinion."
+
+My neighbour was discomfited, and said no more, and I joined the general
+conversation.  What may have been his cause of dislike I know not--but I
+have frequently remarked, that if a man has made himself enemies either
+from neglect of that sophistry and humbug, so necessary to enable him to
+roll down the stream of time with his fellows without attrition, if they
+can find no point in his character to assail, their last resort is, to
+assert that he is an uncertain tempered man, and not to be trusted.
+
+This is the last, and although not the most empoisoned, still the surest
+shaft in the whole quiver of calumny.  It does not exactly injure the
+character, but it induces others to avoid the acquaintance of the party
+so misrepresented.
+
+It is rather singular, and perhaps I may have been fortunate, but in
+more than half-a-dozen instances I have found the very parties to whom
+this character has been given, although high-minded and high-spirited,
+the very antithesis to the character which has been assigned them.  That
+some do deserve the character is undoubted--but there is no species of
+calumny to be received with such peculiar caution.  It may be right to
+be on your guard, but it never should be the ground for a positive
+avoidance of the party accused.  Indeed, in some degree, it argues in
+his favour, for it is clear that the whole charge they can bring against
+his character is an infirmity to which we are all more or less
+subjected; and he who looks for perfection in his acquaintance or his
+friends, will inevitably meet with disappointment.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER EIGHT.
+
+                                                               Brussels.
+I have lost all my memoranda!  I cannot find them any where.  Well--
+children are a great blessing when they are kept in the nursery--but
+they certainly do interfere a little with a papa who has the misfortune
+to be an author.  I little thought, when my youngest girl brought me up
+a whole string of paper dolls, hanging together by the arms, that they
+had been cut off my memoranda.  But so it was; and when I had
+satisfactorily established the fact, and insisted upon an inquisition to
+recover my invaluables, I found that they had had an auto-da-fe, and
+that the whole string of dolls, which contained on their petticoats my
+whole string of bewitching ideas, had been burnt like so many witches.
+But as the man said in the packet--"Is that all?"  Oh, no!--they come
+rushing in like a torrent, bounding, skipping, laughing, and screaming,
+till I fancied myself like another Orpheus, about to be torn to pieces
+by Bacchanals (they are all girls), and I laid down my pen, for they
+drive all my ideas out of my head.  May your shadows never grow less,
+mes enfans, but I wish you would not make such a cursed row.
+
+The author and the author of existence do not amalgamate.  That's a
+fact.
+
+Their joyous countenances are answered by a look of despair--their
+boiling-water heat drives my thermometer down to zero--their confounded
+merriment gives me a confounded headache--their animal spirits drive me
+to vegetable spirits--their cup of bliss running over makes me also
+require a bumper--brandy restores the equilibrium, and I contrive to get
+rid of them and my headache about one and the same time.
+
+Talking about brandy--one morning at two o'clock, about the witching
+time that ghosts do glide about in churchyards, as I was thinking
+whether it would not be better to go to bed instead of writing nonsense,
+in which opinion most of my readers may coincide with me, in stalked
+three young men who were considerably the worse for potation.  There is
+a great deal of character in inebriety--at the same time that no
+estimate of character can be made from its effects; for we often find
+the most quiet men when sober to be the most choleric in their cups--but
+still there is character, and much that is curious in witnessing its
+variety of effects.  Now these young men were each drunk in a very
+different war--the first, in a way quite novel; for although he could
+preserve his equilibrium, and stare immensely, he had lost the power of
+speech; you saw his lips move, but no articulation or sound succeeded--
+the second was laughing drunk; everything that was said, either by
+himself or by any one else, was magnified into a pun or a _bon mot_--the
+third, with whom I had no previous acquaintance, was _politely_ drunk.
+I presume the idea of intruding himself upon a stranger, at such an
+unseasonable hour, had produced that effect--but let me describe the
+scene.
+
+"Ha, ha, ha! we come to you--ha, ha! capital.  We want some brandy and
+water; and, ha, ha! we know you always keep a stock," said the second,
+seating himself in an armchair.
+
+The first also took a chair, moved his lips for a few seconds, and then
+sat bolt upright, staring at the two candles; how many he counted I
+cannot pretend to say.
+
+"Really," said Number Three, "we are--I'm afraid--taking a great
+liberty--a very great liberty; but--an apology is certainly due--if you
+will allow me to offer an apology for my two friends--will you allow me
+to introduce them?"
+
+"Many thanks, but I have the pleasure of knowing _them_ already."
+
+"I really beg your pardon--it was quite unintentional on my part.  I
+trust you are not offended?  Will you allow me to introduce myself?  I
+am Captain C--, of the --.  Will you permit me to present my card, and
+to say how happy I shall be to make your acquaintance?"  So saying, the
+third gentleman presented me with his card, and returned the card-case
+into his pocket.
+
+"Capital!" cried Number Two.  "Ha, ha, ha! what an excellent joke, ha,
+ha, ha!  Now for the brandy-and-water."
+
+This was soon produced, and although Number One had lost all
+articulation, he had still the power of deglutition; he filled his
+glass, sat up more erect, stared at the candles, and drank his grog; the
+other did the same, when Number Three again spoke.
+
+"My dear Sir, I hope you will excuse the liberty, but my name is Captain
+C--, of the --.  Will you allow me the honour of presenting my card, and
+of saying how proud I shall be to make your acquaintance?"  So saying,
+he presented me another card, which I put aside with the first.
+
+"Ha, ha, ha! what a good joke, to find you up.  I said we should get
+brandy-and-water here; wasn't that capital?--ha, ha, ha, ha!"
+
+I could not exactly see the joke of being kept up for perhaps two more
+hours, but I begged they would refill their glasses, as the sitting
+would be sooner ended one way or the other--either by the bottle being
+empty, or their falling under the table--I did not care which--when I
+was again addressed by Number Three.
+
+"I really beg your pardon, but--I'm afraid I have been very remiss--will
+you allow me to introduce myself?  I am Captain C--, of the --.  Here is
+my card, and I cannot say how happy I shall be if I may have the honour
+of your acquaintance."
+
+I bowed a third time, and received a third card.
+
+"By heavens, I've finished my tumbler!  Ain't that capital?  Ha, ha, ha!
+famous fun;--and so has Alfred."
+
+"Famous fun, indeed," thought I, as the contents of the bottle
+disappeared.
+
+"And Alfred is going to help himself again; well, that is capital, ha,
+ha, ha!--ha, ha, ha!--ha, ha, ha, ha!"
+
+Alfred, who was Number One, moved his lips, but like the frozen horn of
+Munchausen, sounds would not come out; he did, however, follow up the
+joke, by refilling his tumbler for the third time.
+
+"Upon my honour, I've been very rude, I ought to apologise," said Number
+Three, again drawing out his card-case; "but will you allow me to offer
+my card?  I am Captain C--, of the --, and I shall be most happy to make
+your acquaintance."
+
+I bowed again, and received the fourth card.
+
+Thus were the changes rung by numbers, one, two, and three, until I was
+tired out, two bottles more drank out, and I had received fifteen cards
+from my very polite friend, whom I had never seen before.
+
+At four o'clock they all rose to depart.
+
+"Upon my soul, I do believe I'm drunk," said Number Two; "capital joke--
+ha, ha, ha!"
+
+Number One continued dumb, brandy had not thawed him; but he stared very
+hard at me, as much as to say, I would speak if I could.
+
+Number Three put into my hand the sixteenth card, and made a rash
+attempt at a bow.
+
+Having seen them fairly outside my door, I bolted it, saying with
+Shakespeare--
+
+  "O! that a man
+  Should put an enemy in his mouth
+  To steal away his brains!"
+
+I have been this morning to visit an establishment founded by two
+brothers, of the name of Van der Maelen.  It comprehends natural
+history, botany, geography, and statistics, and they have, moreover, a
+lithographic press for maps and plates.  It is a very curious, and very
+spirited undertaking.  As yet, the whole has been effected by their own
+means, which are extensive, and without any assistance from government.
+How few people in this world employ their money so usefully!  This
+establishment is but yet in its infancy, and the collections are not
+very valuable, although rapidly increasing, from the interest felt by
+every one in its welfare.
+
+Of all collections of natural history, the fossil department is, to me,
+the most interesting; there is room for speculation and reflection, till
+the mind is lost in its own wanderings, which I consider one of the
+greatest delights of existence.  We are indebted to the vast,
+comprehensive mind, and indefatigable labour of Cuvier, for the gleams
+of light which have lately burst upon us, and which have rendered what
+was before mere speculative supposition now a source of interesting and
+anxious investigation, attended with results that are as satisfactory as
+they are undeniable.
+
+That there was a period when the surface of the earth was almost
+entirely covered with water--a state between chaos and order, when man
+was not yet created (for that then the world had not yet been rendered
+by the Almighty a fit receptacle for man), appears to be undoubted.  Yet
+the principle of life had been thrown forth by the Almighty hand, and
+monsters had been endowed with vitality, and with attributes necessary
+for their existence upon an intermediate world.
+
+These were the many varieties of the Ichthyosauri and the Plesiosauri,
+of whose remains we have now such abundant specimens--all animals of the
+lizard species; some supposed to have been supplied with wings, like the
+flying fish of the present day.
+
+But imagine an animal of the lizard species, one hundred and twenty feet
+long--imagine such a monster--the existence of which is now proved
+beyond a cavil, by the remains, deeply imbedded in the hard blue lias
+rocks, and which remains are now in our possession.  What a terrific
+monster it must have been!  We look with horror at an alligator of
+twenty or thirty feet, but imagine an animal of that species extending
+his huge bulk to one hundred and twenty feet.  Were they all destroyed
+when the waters were separated from the hand, or did they gradually
+become extinct when the earth was no longer a suitable habitation for
+them, and no longer congenial to those properties with which they had
+been endowed when ordered into existence by the Almighty power?  The
+description of the Behemoth, by Job, has long been a puzzle to the
+learned; we have no animal of the present time winch will answer to it,
+but in many points, this description will answer to what may be supposed
+would be the appearance, the muscular power, and the habits of this huge
+denizen of a former world.
+
+  "His force is in the navel of his belly.
+  He moveth his tail like a cedar.
+  His bones are as strong pieces of brass.
+  His bones are like bars of iron.
+  He lieth under the shady trees in the covert of the reeds and fens.
+  The shady trees cover him with their shadow.
+  The willows of the brook compass him about."
+
+It may be a matter of deep surmise, whether all animals were created as
+we now find them, that is, whether the first creation was final--or how
+far the unerring hand has permitted a change to take place in the forms
+and properties of animals, so as to adapt them to their peculiar
+situations.  I would say, whether the Almighty may not have allowed the
+principle of vitality and life to assume, at various epochs, the form
+and attributes most congenial to the situation, either by new formation
+or by change.
+
+May not the monster of former worlds have dwindled down to the alligator
+of this--the leviathan to the whale?  Let us examine whether we have any
+proofs in existing creation to support this supposition.  We all know
+that the hair of the goat and sheep in the torrid zones will be changed
+into wool when they are taken to the colder climes, and that the reverse
+will also take place--we know that the hare and weazel tribes, whose
+security is increased from their colour so nearly approaching to that of
+the earth in temperate latitudes, have the same protection afforded to
+them when they are found in the regions of snow, by their changing to
+white--and we know that the _rete mucosum_ of the African enables him to
+bear the exposure to a tropical sun, which would destroy an European.
+But this is not sufficient, we must examine further.  Sir Humphry Davy
+has given us a very interesting account of a small animal found in the
+pools of water in the caves in Carniola; this animal is called the
+_Proteus Anguinus_ or Syren: it is a species of eel with two feet--a
+variety only to be found in these caves--it lives in darkness, and
+exposure to the light destroys it.  Now, here is an animal which we must
+either suppose to have been created at the universal creation--and that
+is to suppose that these caves and pools of water have also existed from
+the time of the creation--or that the principle of vitality has been
+permitted, at a later date, to take that form and those attributes
+congenial to its situation: it is a curious problem.  Again, it is well
+known that in the continent of New Holland there are animals who have a
+property peculiar to that continent alone--that of a pouch or false
+stomach, to contain their young after their birth; it has been surmised
+that at one time the major part of that continent was under water, and
+that this pouch was supplied to them for the safety of their young; nor
+is this conjecture without strong grounds; if only the kangaroo and
+opossum tribes, which are animals peculiarly indigenous to that
+continent, were supplied with this peculiar formation, the conjecture
+would fall to the ground, as it might fairly be said that this property
+was only another proof of the endless variety in creation; but the most
+remarkable fact is, that not only the kangaroo and opossum, animals
+indigenous and peculiar to that portion of the globe, but that very
+variety of squirrel, rat, and mouse, which in every other respect are of
+the same species as those found in the other continents, are all of them
+provided with this peculiar false pouch to contain their young.  Why,
+therefore, should all these have been supplied with it, if not for a
+cause?  And the question now arises, whether at the first creation they
+had that pouch, or were permitted so far to change their formation, when
+the pouch became necessary for the preservation and continuation of
+these species?  That these changes are the changes of centuries, I
+grant, and therefore are not likely to be observed by man, whose records
+or whose knowledge are not permitted to be handed down beyond a certain
+extent.  Knowledge is not happiness; and when the accumulation has
+arrived to that height so as to render it dangerous, it is swept away by
+the all-wise and benevolent Creator, and we are permitted to begin again
+_de novo_.  After all, what we term posterity is but a drop of water in
+the ocean of Time.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER NINE.
+
+                                                               Brussels.
+There are few people in Brussels, indeed in Belgium, who do not complain
+of the revolution; all that goes wrong is at once ascribed to this
+cause--indeed I was rather staggered by one gentleman, at Ghent, telling
+me very gravely that they had had no fat oxen since the revolution; but
+this he explained by stating that the oxen were fattened from the refuse
+of several manufactories, all of which had been broken up, the
+proprietors having quitted for Holland.  The revolution has certainly
+been, up to the present time, injurious to both countries, but it is
+easy to foretell that eventually Belgium will flourish, and Holland, in
+all probability, be the sufferer.  The expenses of the latter even now
+are greater than her revenue, and when the railroads of Belgium have
+been completed, as proposed, to Vienna, the revenue of Holland will be
+proportionably decreased from her loss of the carrying trade.  It may be
+urged that Holland can also have her railroads--but she cannot: so large
+a proportion of her population find their support at present on the
+canals, that a railroad would be productive of the most injurious
+effects.  It is true that she can lower her rates of carriage, but the
+merchant will save ten days of transport by the railroads, and this
+rapidity of communication will always obtain the preference.
+
+But whatever may be the future prospects of Belgium, it is certain that,
+from the heavy expenses attending the support of so large an army, the
+retirement into Holland of most of the influential and wealthy
+commercial men, and the defection of almost all the nobility, at present
+she is suffering.  Brussels, her capital, has perhaps been most injured,
+and is no longer the gay and lively town which it was under the dynasty
+of King William of Nassau.  When the two countries were united, it was
+the custom of the Dutch court to divide the year between Brussels and
+the Hague; and as there was not only the establishment of the King, but
+also those of Princes William and Frederick (in fact three courts), as
+well as all the nobility of Holland and Belgium, there was an overflow
+of wealth, of company, and of amusement, which rendered Brussels one of
+the most delightful winter residences on the Continent: but this has now
+all passed away.  The court of Leopold, in consequence of the radical
+party having the entire sway, is but a shadow, as nearly all the Belgian
+nobility have retired from it.  The few who reside in town will not
+visit at the palace, and live in seclusion, receiving no company, and
+spending no money; the majority, however, have either removed from
+Brussels to their country seats, or have left the kingdom to spend their
+revenue amongst foreigners.
+
+At present there are but few English here, it being no longer the scene
+of gaiety, and there are other reasons which gradually decrease the
+number.  The fact is, that Brussels is not a very cheap residence.  The
+duties on every thing are now enormous, and the shop-keepers prey upon
+the English as much as they can, having avowedly two prices, one for
+them and the other for the Belgians.  There are very few amusements, and
+the people, since the revolution, are rude and bearish, imagining that
+by incivility they prove their liberty and independence.  The other
+towns of Belgium are very dull and very cheap--Brussels is very dull and
+very dear.  In another point, Brussels presents a contradiction to all
+the other capitals of Europe, in which you generally find the most
+polished manners, and the greatest beauty in the female sex,
+concentrated.  At Brussels it is directly the reverse--the men are
+uncivil and the women plain: whereas in the Belgian provinces you will
+meet with civility and respect, and at Antwerp, Ostend, and most other
+provincial towns, fall in with many fine countenances, reminding you of
+the Spanish blood which has been for centuries mingled with that of the
+Low Provinces.
+
+Nevertheless there are many advantages in Brussels: the communication
+with England is so rapid, and its situation so central, that it may be
+considered as the point from which travellers diverge on their various
+routes.
+
+About the end of May the arrivals and departures from Brussels are
+constant; this stream continues to pour through the city for three
+months, after which, as the Belgians do not mix with the foreign
+residents, the latter are left entirely to their own resources for
+amusement.  But the greatest objection to Brussels is, that the English
+have brought with them the _English feeling_.  I hardly know how else to
+term it, but it certainly is a feeling peculiarly English, which has
+taken deep root within this last half century, and which has already
+produced much evil, and may eventually be productive of more serious
+results.  I refer to the system of spending more money than you can
+afford, to enable you to hold a certain position in the scale of
+society.
+
+For these last forty years, during which immense fortunes have been made
+in England, there has been a continued struggle of wealth against rank.
+_Parvenus_, as the aristocracy have been pleased to call them, have
+started up in every direction, vying with, and even eclipsing the
+nobility in lavish expenditure--in some instances, driving the
+aristocracy to spend more money than they could afford, and thereby
+impoverishing them; in others, forcing admittance into their circles.
+Wealth and public opinion have latterly gained the ascendency, and the
+aristocracy are now more looked up to on account of their large
+possessions than of their high birth.  Now this has been nothing more
+than a demand for greater liberty and more extended rights on the part
+of the commoners of England, in proportion as they found themselves a
+more important body in the state.  It has not been a case of Magna
+Charta, but it is still analogous; for they have demanded that the
+barrier raised between them and the aristocracy should be thrown down,
+as soon as they possessed all the advantages, with the exception of that
+nominal rank, the title too often conferred without discrimination on
+the one hand or claims on the other.  As soon as a partial breach had
+been made in this barrier,--every one rushed for admittance, displaying
+wealth as their ticket of admission, and the consequence has been, that
+wealth has now become the passport into society; but another consequence
+has also ensued, which is, that to obtain entrance, almost everybody has
+been living and keeping up an appearance which has not been warranted by
+their means.  Many have exceeded their incomes, and then sunk down into
+poverty; others have, perhaps, only lived up to their incomes; but in so
+doing, have disappointed those who, induced by the appearance of so much
+wealth, have married into the family and discovered that they have
+obtained wives with expensive ideas, and no money.  But there have been
+other reasons which have induced some to live beyond their means--they
+have done it in the pure spirit of gambling.  In England, credit, next
+to money, is of most value, and according to their supposed wealth, so
+did the parties obtain credit; an expenditure beyond their means was,
+therefore, with commercial men, nothing more than a speculation, which
+very often succeeded, and eventually procured to the parties the means
+of expenditure.  It is well known that the income tax, in many cases,
+was paid double; commercial men preferring to give in their income at
+twice its real value, and pay the tax to that amount, that they might be
+supposed to possess more than they really had; indeed, as it was
+imagined that a man would evade so heavy an impost as much as possible,
+he was generally considered to be worth even more than what he himself
+had stated.  It is from these causes that has arisen what I have called
+the English feeling, for display beyond the means, and which has made
+our countrymen look down upon those who cannot compete with them in
+expense.  Let a married couple be ever so well connected--let them have
+talent, and every other advantage, it will avail them nothing, if they
+have not money, sufficient at least to keep a carriage, and not shock
+the mistress of a house by the sound of the rattling steps of a
+hackney-coach at her door; besides which, in our commercial country, the
+principle of barter, of _quid pro quo_, is extended even to dinner and
+evening parties--and the reason is obvious--when people live to the full
+extent, or even beyond their incomes, a little management is required.
+A dinner-party is so arranged, that the dinners received from others are
+returned to them, and they cannot afford to ask a couple who cannot give
+them a dinner in return, as they would fill up the places of others to
+whom a dinner is due, and who, if not asked then, must be at another
+time; and an extra dinner is an extra expense to be avoided.  The
+English therefore, who have only moderate incomes, have the choice,
+either to live beyond their means, and leave their children unprovided
+for, or of being shut out from that society, to which every other is but
+the adventitious claim of wealth, they are entitled.  The consequence
+has been that since the peace thousands and thousands have settled on
+the Continent, that they may make more display with a small income, and
+thousands more, with a much better feeling, to avoid expense, and lay by
+a provision for their children.  Of course all these remarks are made
+with reservation, but with reservation, it may be said, that in England
+we have, or soon shall have, only two classes left, the extreme rich and
+the extreme poor, for the intermediate classes are gradually retiring to
+the continent, emigrating to Canada and America, or sinking down into
+the second class.
+
+This is a most dangerous state of society, and, if carried to the
+extreme, has always proved ruinous to the state.  Although the immense
+extent of the Roman empire may be asserted as the ultimate cause of its
+downfall, still that downfall was most certainly accelerated by the
+rottenness at the core, the system of patrons and clients having thrown
+all the wealth into the hands of a few.  Are we not rapidly advancing to
+this state in England?  The landholders are almost at the mercy of the
+fundholders, who, in fifty years' time, will probably have possession of
+the land as well as of the money.  And should there be no check put to
+this disintegration of society, then must come what the radicals are now
+so anxious to obtain, the equitable adjustment--and in that case it is a
+problem how far that may not be really _equitable_; for society may, by
+degrees, arrive to a state so anomalous as to warrant that the few
+should be sacrificed for the benefit of the community at large.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TEN.
+
+                                                       Brussels, May 22.
+Among the _lions_ of Brussels, a dog was pointed out to me, as he lay on
+the pavement in front of the House of Assembly.  It was a miserable
+looking cur; but he had a tale extra attached to him, which had
+magnified him into a lion.  It was said that he belonged to a Dutch
+soldier, who was killed in the revolution, at the spot where the dog
+then lay, and that ever since (a period of four years) the animal had
+taken up his quarters there, and invariably lain upon that spot.
+Whether my informant lied, and the dog did not, I cannot pretend to say;
+but if the story be true, it was a most remarkable specimen of fidelity
+and ugliness.  And he was a sensible dog, moreover; instead of dying of
+grief and hunger, as some foolish dogs have done, he has always
+dedicated an hour every evening to cater for his support, and then
+returns to pass the night on the spot.  I went up to him, and when
+within two yards he thought proper to show his teeth, and snarl most
+dog-matically; I may therefore, in addition to his other qualities,
+state that he is an ill-natured dog.  How far the report was correct, I
+cannot vouch; but I watched him three or four days, and always found him
+at his post; and after such strict investigation, had I asserted ten
+years instead of four, I have a prescriptive right, as a traveller, to
+be believed.
+
+It is singular that it is only in England that you can find dogs,
+properly so called; abroad they have nothing but curs.  I do not know
+anything more puzzling than the genealogy of the animals you meet with
+under the denomination of dogs in most of the capitals of Europe.  It
+would appear as if the vice of promiscuous and unrestricted intercourse
+had been copied from their masters; and I have been almost tempted to
+take up the opinion, that you may judge of the morality of a capital
+from the degeneracy of the dogs.  I have often, at Paris, attempted to
+make out a descent; but found it impossible.  Even the late Sir G
+Naylor, with all the herald's office, stimulated by double fees, could
+not manage to decipher escutcheons obliterated by so many crosses.
+
+I am very partial to dogs; and one of my amusements, when travelling, is
+to watch their meetings with each other; they appear to me to do
+everything but speak.  Indeed, a constant observer will distinguish in
+dogs many of the passions, virtues, and rices of men; and it is
+generally the case, that those of the purest race have the nobler
+qualifications.  You will find in them devotion, courage, generosity,
+good temper, sagacity, and forbearance; but these virtues, with little
+alloy, are only to be found in the pure breeds.  A cur is quite a
+lottery: he is a most heterogeneous compound of virtue and vice; and
+sometimes the amalgamation is truly ludicrous.  Notwithstanding which, a
+little scrutiny of his countenance and his peculiar movements will soon
+enable you to form a very fair estimate of his general character and
+disposition.
+
+One of the most remarkable qualities in dogs is the fidelity of their
+attachments; and the more so, as their attachments are very often
+without any warrantable cause.  For no reason that can be assigned, they
+will take a partiality to people or animals, which becomes a feeling so
+dominant, that their existence appears to depend upon its not being
+interfered with.  I had an instance of this kind, and the _parties_ are
+all living.  I put up, for an hour or two, at a livery stables in town,
+a pair of young ponies.  On my taking them out again, the phaeton was
+followed by a large coach-dog, about two years old, a fine grown animal,
+but not well marked, and in very poor condition.  He followed us into
+the country; but having my establishment of dogs (taxes taken into
+consideration), I ordered him to be shut out.  He would not leave the
+iron gates; and when they were opened, in he bolted, and hastening to
+the stables, found out the ponies, and was not to be dislodged from
+under the manger without a determined resistance.  This alternate
+bolting in and bolting out continued for many days; finding that I could
+not get rid of him, I sent him away forty miles in the country; but he
+returned the next day, expressing the most extravagant joy at the sight
+of the ponies, who, strange to say, were equally pleased, allowing him
+to put his paws upon them, and bark in their faces.  But although the
+ponies were partial to the dog, I was not; and aware that a voyage is a
+great specific for curing improper attachments, I sent the dog down the
+river in a barge, requesting the men to land him where they were bound,
+on the other side of the Medway; but in three days the dog again made
+his appearance, the picture of famine and misery.  Even the coachman's
+heart was melted, and the rights and privileges of his favourite
+snow-white terrier were forgotten.  It was therefore agreed, in a
+cabinet council held in the harness room, that we must make the best of
+it; and, as the dog would not leave the ponies, the best thing we could
+do, was to put a little flesh on his bones, and make him look
+respectable.  We therefore victualled him that day, and put him on our
+books with the purser's name of Pompey.  Now this dog proved, that
+sudden as was his attachment to the ponies, it was of the strongest
+quality.  He never would and never has since left these animals.  If
+turned out in the fields, he remains out with them, night as well as
+day, taking up his station as near as possible half way between the two,
+and only coming home to get his dinner.  No stranger can enter their
+stables with impunity; for he is very powerful, and on such occasions
+very savage.  A year or two after his domiciliation, I sold the ponies,
+and the parties who purchased were equally anxious at first to get rid
+of the dog; but their attempts, like mine, were unavailing, and, like
+me, they at last became reconciled to him.  On my return from abroad, I
+re-purchased them, and Pompey of course was included in the purchase.
+
+We are none of us perfect--and Pompey had one vice; but the cause of the
+vice almost changed it into a virtue.  He had not a correct feeling
+relative to _meum_ and _tuum_, but still he did not altogether steal for
+himself, but for his friends as well.  Many have witnessed the fact of
+the dog stealing a loaf, or part of one, taking it into the stables, and
+dividing it into three portions, one for each pony, and the other for
+himself.  I recollect his once walking off with a round of beef,
+weighing seventeen or eighteen pounds, and taking it to the ponies in
+the field--they smelt at it, but declined joining him in his repast.
+By-the-bye, to prove that lost things will turn up some day or another,
+there was a silver skewer in the beef, which was not recovered until two
+years afterwards, when it was turned up by the second ploughing.  One
+day, as the ponies were in the field where I was watching some men at
+work, I heard them narrating to a stranger the wonderful feats of this
+dog, for I have related but a small portion.  The dog was lying by the
+ponies as usual, when the servants' dinner-bell rang, and off went
+Pompey immediately at a hard gallop to the house to get his food.
+"Well, dang it, but he is a queer dog," observed the man, "for now he's
+running as fast as he can, to _answer the bell_."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ELEVEN.
+
+                                                                 May 23.
+With all the faults of the Roman church, it certainly appears to me that
+its professors extend towards those who are in the bosom of their own
+church a greater share than most other sects, of the true spirit of
+every religion--charity.  The people of the Low Countries are the most
+bigoted Catholics at present existing, and in no one country is there so
+much private as well as public charity.  It is, however, to private
+charity that I refer.  In England there is certainly much to be offered
+in extenuation, as charity is extorted by law to the utmost farthing.
+The baneful effects of the former poor laws have been to break the links
+which bound together the upper and lower classes, produced by protection
+and good will in the former, and in the latter, by respect and
+gratitude.  Charity by act of parliament has dissolved the social
+compact--the rich man grumbles when he pays down the forced
+contribution--while the poor man walks into the vestry with an insolent
+demeanour, and claims relief, not as a favour, but as a right.  The poor
+laws have in themselves the essence of revolution, for if you once
+establish the right of the poor man to any portion of the property of
+the rich, you admit a precedent so far dangerous, that the poor may
+eventually decide for themselves what portion it may be that they may be
+pleased to take; and this becomes the more dangerous, as it must be
+remembered, that the effect of the poor laws is _repulsion_ between the
+two classes, from the one giving unwillingly, and the other receiving
+unthankfully.  How the new Poor Law Bill will work remains to be proved;
+but this is certain, that much individual suffering must take place,
+before it works out the great end which it is intended to obtain.
+
+That the Roman Catholic laity are more charitable is not a matter of
+surprise, as they are not subjected to forced contributions: but it
+appears to me that the Catholic clergy are much more careful and kind to
+their flocks than our own.  Now, indeed, can it be otherwise, when even
+now, although so much reform in the Church has been effected, so many of
+our clergymen are pluralists and non-residents, expending the major part
+of the church revenue out of the parish, leaving to the curate, who
+performs the duty, a stipend which renders it impossible for him to
+exercise that part of his Christian duty to any extent?--for charity
+_begins_ at home, and his means will not allow him to proceed much
+farther.  That serious evils have arisen from the celibacy of the Roman
+clergy is true, for priests are but men, and are liable to temptation;
+but it is equally certain that when a Roman Catholic clergyman is a pure
+and pious man, he has nothing to distract his attention from the
+purposes of his high calling; and not only his whole attention is
+devoted to his flock, but his existence, if necessary, is voluntarily
+endangered.  At the period of the cholera, there were many remarkable
+instances of this devotion to death on the part of the Roman priesthood,
+and as many, I am forced to say, of the Protestant clergy flying from
+the epidemic, and leaving their flocks without a shepherd.  And why so?
+because the Protestant clergymen had wives and families depending upon
+them for support, and whose means of existence would terminate with
+their own lives.  It was very natural that they should prefer the
+welfare of their own families to that of their parishioners.  But in
+other cases not so extreme, the encumbrance of a family to a clergyman
+in England is very often in opposition to his duty.  To eke out a scanty
+remuneration, he sets up a school or takes in pupils.  Now if the duties
+of a clergyman consisted in merely reading the services on a Sunday, and
+christening, burying, and marrying, he might well do so; but the real
+duties of a clergyman are much more important.  His duty is to watch
+over the lives and conduct of his parishioners, to exhort, persuade, and
+threaten, if necessary; to be ever among his flock, watching them as a
+shepherd does his sheep.  And how can he possibly do this, if he takes
+charge of pupils?--he must either neglect his pupils or neglect his
+parish.  He cannot do justice to both.  As Saint Paul says to the
+bishops, "Although it is better to marry than burn, still it is better
+to be even as I am," unencumbered with wife and family, and with no ties
+to distract my attention from my sacred and important calling.
+
+But the _public_ charitable institutions abroad are much better
+conducted than those of England, where almost every thing of the kind is
+made a job, and a source of patronage for pretending pious people, who
+work their way into these establishments for their own advantage.  It is
+incredible the number of poor people who are effectually relieved on the
+Continent in the course of the year, at an expense which would not meet
+the weekly disbursements of a large parish in England.  But then, how
+much more judicious is the system!  I know for a fact, that in the
+county where I reside, and in which the hard-working labourer, earning
+his twelve shillings a week, is quite satisfied if he can find
+sufficient _bread_ for his family, (not tasting meat, perhaps, ten times
+during the whole year,) that those who were idlers, supported by
+charity, were supplied with meat three or four times a week; nay, even
+the felons and prisoners in the county gaol were better fed than was the
+industrious working man.  And this is what in England is called charity.
+It is base injustice to the meritorious.  But many of the
+charitable institutions in England, from mal-administration, and
+pseudo-philanthropy, have become very little better than establishments
+holding out premiums for idleness and hypocrisy.
+
+Among the institutions founded by Roman Catholics and particularly
+deserving of imitation, that of the Soeurs de la Charite appears to be
+the most valuable.  It is an institution which, like mercy, is twice
+blessed--it blesses those who give, and those who receive.  Those who
+give, because many hundreds of females, who would otherwise be thrown
+upon the world, thus find an asylum, and become useful and valuable
+members to society.  They take no vows--they only conform to the rules
+of the sisterhood during the time that they remain in it, and if they
+have an opportunity, by marriage or otherwise, of establishing
+themselves, they are at free liberty to depart.  How many young women,
+now forced into a wretched, wicked life, would gladly incorporate
+themselves into such a society in England; how many, if such a society
+existed, would be prevented from falling into error!
+
+It is well known, that to support a large community, the expenses are
+trifling compared to what they are when you have the same number of
+isolated individuals to provide for.  A company of two or three hundred
+of these sisters living together, performing among themselves the
+various household duties, washing, etcetera, and merely requiring their
+food, would not incur the same expense in house rent, firing, and
+provisions, as thirty or forty isolated individuals.  Soldiers in
+barracks are even well fed, housed, and clothed, at a much less expense
+than it costs the solitary labourer to eat his _dry bread_ in his own
+cottage; and the expenses of such communities, if once established,
+would very soon be paid by their receipts.
+
+It would be a double charity, charity to those who would willingly
+embrace the life, and charity to those who might require their
+assistance.  It is well known how difficult it is to obtain a sick nurse
+in London.  It is an avocation seldom embraced by people, until they are
+advanced in years, and all feeling has been dried up by suffering or
+disappointment.  Those who undertake the task are only actuated by gain,
+and you can expect but eye-service.  Not being very numerous, and
+constantly in demand, they are overworked, and require stimulants in
+their long watchings.  In fact, they drink and dose--dose and drink
+again.
+
+But how different would it be if the establishments, which I have
+referred to, were formed! those who are wealthy would send for one of
+the sisters when required, and if the illness were tedious, her services
+could be replaced by another, so that over-fatigue might not destroy
+watchfulness and attention to the patient.  You would at once feel that
+you had those in your house in whom you could confide.  If your means
+enabled you, you would send a sum to the funds of the charity in return
+for the service performed, and your liberality would enable them to
+succour those who could only repay by blessings.  A very small
+subscription would set afloat such a charity, as the funds would so
+rapidly come in; and if under the surveillance of the medical men who
+attended the hospitals, it would soon become effective and valuable.  I
+trust if this should meet the eye of any real philanthropist who has
+time to give, which is more valuable than money, that he will turn it
+over in his mind:--the founder would be a benefactor to his country.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWELVE.
+
+                                                                 May 25.
+"A man cannot die more than once," is an old apothegm, and it would
+appear bold to dispute it; but still there are lives within lives, such
+as political lives, literary lives, etcetera, and there is also such a
+thing as being dead in the eye of the law; so that it is evident that a
+man can die twice, that is, once professionally or legally, and once
+naturally.
+
+I presume, like all other scribblers, I must meet my literary death,
+that is, when I have written myself down, or have written myself out.  I
+have no objection, for I am very weary of my literary existence,
+although authors are not so in general; on the contrary, they can
+perceive in themselves no sign of decay when it is apparent to every
+body around them.  Literary decay is analogous to the last stage of a
+consumption, in which you believe you are not going to die, and plan for
+the future as if you were in perfect health.  And yet to this complexion
+must all authors come at last.  There is not a more beautiful, or more
+true portrait of human nature, than the scene between the Archbishop of
+Grenada and Gil Blas, in the admirable novel of Le Sage.  Often and
+often has it been brought to my recollection since I have taken up the
+pen, and often have I said to myself, "Is this homily as good as the
+last?"  (perhaps homily is not exactly the right term my writings.)  The
+great art in this world, not only in writing, but in everything else, is
+to know when to leave off.  The mind as well as the body must wear out.
+At first it is a virgin soil, but we cannot renew its exhausted vigour
+after it has borne successive crops.  We all know this, and yet we are
+all archbishops of Grenada.  Even the immortal Walter Scott might have
+benefited by the honesty of Gil Blas, and have burnt his latter
+homilies; but had he had such an unsophisticated adviser, would he not,
+in all probability, have put him out by the shoulders, wishing him, like
+the venerable hierarch, "a little more taste and judgment."
+
+Since I have been this time abroad, I have made a discovery for which
+all prose writers ought to feel much indebted to me.  Poets can invoke
+Apollo, the Muses, the seasons, and all sorts and varieties of gods and
+goddesses, naked or clothed, besides virtues and vices, and if none of
+them suit, they may make their own graven image, and fall down before
+it; but we prose writers have hitherto had no such advantage, no
+protecting deity to appeal to in our trouble, as we bite our pens, or to
+call upon to deliver us from a congestion of the brain.  Now being aware
+that there were upwards of three hundred and fifty thousand canonised
+saints on the Roman calendar, I resolved to run through the catalogue,
+to ascertain--if there was one who took prose authors under his
+protection, and to my delight, I stumbled upon our man.  By-the-bye, Tom
+Moore must have known this, and he has behaved very ill in keeping him
+all to himself.  But I must introduce him.  It is the most holy, and the
+most blessed, Saint Brandon.  Holy Saint Brandon inspire me, and guide
+my pen while I record thy legend!  In the first place, let me observe
+that our patron saint was an Irishman, and none the worse for that, as
+Ireland has had as good saints as any in the calendar.  And it is now
+clear that he does protect us prosaic writers, by the number of
+reporters and gentlemen of the press which have been sent over from the
+sister kingdom.  But to proceed.
+
+Saint Brandon, it appears, was a reading man, and amused himself with
+voyages and travels; but Saint Brandon was an unbeliever, and thought
+that travellers told strange things.  He took up the Zoology of Pliny,
+and pursued his accounts of "Antres vast, and men whose heads do grow
+beneath their shoulders."  He read until his patience was exhausted,
+and, in a fit of anger, he threw the manuscript into the flames.  Now
+this was a heavy sin, for a man's book is the bantling of his brain,
+and, to say the least, it was a literary-infanticide.  That very night
+an angel appeared to him, and as a penance for his foul crime (in the
+enormity of which every author will agree with the angel), he was
+enjoined to _make the book over again_, no easy task in those days, when
+manuscripts were rare, and the art of book-making had not been invented.
+The sinner, in obedience to the heavenly mission, goes to work; he
+charters a vessel, lays in provisions for a seven years' voyage, and
+with a crew of seven monks, he makes sail, and after going round the
+world seven times, during which the world went round the sun seven
+times, he completed his task in seven volumes folio, which he never
+published, but carried his manuscript away with him to prove that he had
+performed his penance.  For this miraculous voyage--and certainly with
+such a ship's company, it was a miracle--he was canonised, and is now
+the patron saint of all prose authors, particularly those whose works
+are measured by the foot-rule.
+
+And now that I have made known to my fraternity that we also have a
+saint, all they have to do is to call upon him six or seven times, when
+their brains are at sixes and sevens.  I opine that holy Saint Brandon
+made a very _hazard-ous_ voyage, for it is quite clear that, in the
+whole arrangement, it was--_seven's the main_.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTEEN.
+
+                                                       En route, May 26.
+Passed Waterloo--was informed that two days before the Marquis of
+Anglesey had arrived there, and stayed a short time to visit the
+cemetery of his leg; a regular family visit of course, as all the
+_members_ were present.
+
+                                                                 May 27.
+Slept at Namur.  The French are certainly superior to us in the art of
+rendering things agreeable.  Now, even in the furnishing of a common
+apartment, there is always something to relieve the eye, if not to
+interest you.  I recollect when I was last in London, in furnished
+apartments, that as I lay awake in the morning, my eye caught the
+pattern of the paper.  It was a shepherdess with her dog in repose,
+badly executed, and repeated without variation over the whole apartment.
+Of course I had nothing to do but to calculate how many shepherdesses
+and dogs there were in the room, which, by counting the numbers in
+length and breadth, squaring the results, and deducting for door and
+windows, was soon accomplished.  But how different was the effect
+produced by the paper of the room in which I slept last night!  It was
+the history of Dunois, the celebrated bastard of France, who prays in
+his youth that he may prove the bravest of the brave, and be rewarded
+with the fairest of the fair.  This was not the true history, perhaps,
+of Dunois; but I am drawing the comparison between the associations and
+reminiscences conjured up by this decoration in opposition to the dull
+and tasteless recapitulation of the English manufacture.  From the
+latter I could not extract a bare idea, except that shepherdesses are,
+as a race, extinct, and that Lord Althorp had taken the tax off
+shepherds' dogs, by way of a bonus, to relieve a distressed capital of
+some hundred millions, to which the agricultural interest had very
+properly replied, "Thank you for nothing, my Lord;" but from the sight
+of the French paper what a host of recollections started up at the
+moment!  The mind flew back to history, and was revelling in all the
+romance of chivalry, from King Arthur and his Knights, to the Field of
+the Cloth of Gold.
+
+"Yet, after all," thought I, at the end of a long reverie, "divest
+chivalry, so called, of its imposing effect, examine well into its
+nature and the manners of the times, and it must be acknowledged that
+the modern warfare has a much greater claim than the ancient to the
+title of chivalry.  In former times men were cased in armour of proof,
+and, before the discovery of gunpowder, had little to fear in a _melee_,
+except from those who, like themselves, were equally well armed and
+equally protected, and even then only from flesh wounds, which were
+seldom mortal.  The lower classes, who served as common soldiers, were
+at the mercy of the mounted spearsmen, and could seldom make any
+impression upon their defences.  In those days, as in the present, he
+who could command most gold carried the day, for the gold procured the
+steel harness, and a _plump_ of spears brought into the field was more
+than equal to a thousand common men.  He who had the best tempered
+armour was the most secure, and that was it be only procured by gold.
+He who could mount and case in iron the largest number of his followers
+was the most powerful, and, generally speaking, the most lawless.
+Divest chivalry of its splendour, which threw a halo round it, and it
+was brutal, and almost cowardly.  Single combats did certainly prove
+courage; but even in them, skill, and more than skill, personal
+strength, or the best horse, decided the victory.  In fact, although not
+the origin, it was the upholder of the feudal system, in which might was
+right; and we may add, that the invention of gunpowder, which placed
+every man upon a level, if not the cause of, certainly much assisted to
+break up the system.  How much more of the true spirit of chivalry is
+required in the warfare of the present day, in which every man must
+stand for hours to be shot at like a target, witnessing the mowing down
+of his comrades, and silently filling up the intervals in the ranks made
+by their deaths, exposed to the same leaden messengers; a system of
+warfare in which every individual is a part of a grand _whole_, acting
+upon one concerted and extended plan, and forced a hundred times to
+exhibit the passive and more perfect bravery of constancy, for once that
+he may forget his danger in the ardour of the charge!  When shall we
+learn to call things by their right names?"
+
+                                                          Liege, May 28.
+Our landlord is a most loyal man, but there is a reason for it.  Leopold
+took up his quarters at this hotel in his way to Spa.  In every room we
+have upon every article of _fayence_--"Leopold, with the Genius of
+Belgium crowning him with laurels, while Truth is looking on."  Every
+plate, every dish, is impressed with this proof print of loyalty.  But
+this is not all, as the man said in the packet, "Oh, no!"  All the
+wash-hand basins, jugs, and every other article required in a
+bed-chamber, have the same loyal pattern at the bottom.  Now it appeared
+to me, when I went to bed, that loyalty might be carried too far; and
+what may have been intended as respect, may be the cause of his Majesty
+being treated with the greatest disrespect; and not only his sacred
+Majesty, but the glorious Belgian constitution also.  As for poor Truth,
+she is indeed said to sojourn at the bottom of a well; but in this
+instance, it would, perhaps, be as well that she should not be
+insulted--I am wrong, she always is, and always will be, insulted, when
+she appears in the purlieus of a court, or in the presence of a king.
+
+After all, mine is a strange sort of Diary.  It is not a diary of
+events, but of thoughts and reminiscences, which are thrown up and
+caught as they float to the surface in the whirlpool of my brain.  No
+wonder!--events are but as gleanings compared to the harvest of many
+years, although so negligently gathered into store.  I have been
+puzzling myself these last two hours to find out what a man's brain is
+like.  It is like a kaleidoscope, thought I; it contains various ideas
+of peculiar colours, and as you shift them round and past, you have a
+new pattern every moment.  But no, it was not like a kaleidoscope, for
+the patterns of a kaleidoscope are regular, and there is very little
+regularity in my brain, at all events.
+
+It is like a pawnbroker's shop, thought I, full of heterogeneous
+pledges; and if you would take anything out, experience stands at the
+counter, and makes you pay her compound interest, while many articles of
+value are lost for ever, because memory cannot produce the duplicate.
+
+And then I compared it to almost every thing, but none of my comparisons
+would hold good.  After all, thought I, I have been only playing at
+"What are my thoughts like?" which is a childish game; and how can I
+possibly find out what my brain is like, when my brain don't choose to
+tell?  So I rose, and opening the window, lighted my cigar, and smoked
+myself into a reverie, as I watched the smoke ascending from the
+chimneys of the good town of Liege.
+
+And this is the city which travellers pass through, describing it as a
+mere manufacturing town, thought I.  A city which has, in its time,
+produced a greater moral influence upon society than any other in
+existence--a city that has led the van in the cause of religion and
+liberty.  Liege presents a curious anomaly among the states of Europe.
+It is the only town and province, with the exception of Rome, which has
+been, for centuries, ruled by the clerical power.  But be it
+recollected, that at the very period that Christianity was offering up
+her martyrs at the blood-stained arena of the Coliseum, it was from
+Liege (or rather Tongres, for Liege was not then built) that she was
+spreading wide her tenets, unpersecuted and unrestrained, for she was
+too far removed from idolatry and imposture to be regarded.  The
+province of Liege was the cradle of the Christian faith.  From the
+earliest records there were bishops at Tongres; and it was about five
+hundred years after Christ, that Saint Monulphe, the reigning bishop,
+founded the city of Liege.  From that time until the French Revolution,
+this town and these fertile provinces had always remained under clerical
+authority.
+
+Although these prince-bishops proved that, upon necessity, they could
+change the crosier for the coat of mail, still, as by endowments and
+benefactions they increased their revenues, so did they, by the mildness
+of their sway, induce thousands to settle in their territory; and to
+increase their population (which was to increase their wealth), they
+first granted to their citizens those privileges and liberties, which
+have, upon their precedent, been obtained by force or prayers by others.
+The very boast of the English of the present day, that _every man_'s
+_house is his castle_, was the sacred grant of one of the bishops to the
+citizens at Liege, long before the feudal system had been abolished in
+our island.
+
+I may also observe, for it is to be gained from the chronicles of this
+province, that the time at which it may be said that the primitive
+Christian church first fell into error, appears to have been about one
+thousand years after the death of our Saviour.  And as I thought of all
+this, and a great deal more, and smoked my cigar, I felt a great deal of
+respect for the good old city of Liege; and then I wandered back to the
+country I had passed through the day before, excelling in all lovely
+scenery.  I had seen it before, but it was many years ago; and it may be
+seen many times without the least degree of satiety.  I do not know any
+scenery which raises up such pleasurable sensations as that of the
+Valley of Meuse, taking it the whole way from Namur to Liege, and from
+Liege to Spa.  It is not so magnificent as the Rhine, to which it bears
+a miniature resemblance.  It is not of that description creating a
+strong excitement, almost invariably succeeded by depression; but it is
+of that unchanging and ever-pleasing, joyous description, that you are
+delighted without being fatigued, and have stimulus sufficient to keep
+you constantly in silent admiration without demanding so much from the
+senses as to weary them.  If I could have divested myself from the
+knowledge that I was in motion, and have fancied that the scene was
+moving past, I could have imagined myself seated at one of our large
+theatres, watching one of Stanfield's splendid panoramas.  But the
+lighted end of my cigar at last approximated so near to my nose, that I
+was burnt out of my reverie; I took the last save--all whiffs, tried to
+hit an old woman's cap with the end of it, as I tossed it into the
+street, and retreated to the diurnal labour of shaving--of all human
+miseries, certainly, the "unkindest cut of all"--especially when the
+maids have borrowed your razor, during your absence, to pare down the
+apex of their corns.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOURTEEN.
+
+                                                                  Liege.
+I have been reading the "Salmonia" of Sir Humphry Davy: what a pity it
+is that he did not write more! there are so many curious points started
+in it.  I like that description of book, which, after reading a while,
+you drop it on your knee, and are led into a train of thought which may
+last an hour, before you look for the page where you left off.  There
+are two cases argued in this work, which led me into a meditation.  The
+one is, a comparison between reason and instinct, and the other, as to
+the degree of pain inflicted upon fish by taking them with the hook.
+Now it appeared to me, in the first question, what has been advanced is
+by no means conclusive, and although it is the custom to offer a penny
+for your thoughts, I shall give mine for nothing, which is perhaps as
+much as they are worth, (I say that, to prevent others from making the
+sarcastic remark), and in the second question, I think I can assist the
+cause of the lovers of the _gentle_ art of angling--why _gentle_, I know
+not, unless it be that anglers bait with _gentles_, and are mostly
+_gentle_-men.
+
+But before I attempt to prove that angling is not a cruel sport, I must
+first get rid of "reason and instinct."  Of reason most undoubtedly a
+philanthropist would reply, "Be it so;" nevertheless, I will argue the
+point, and if I do not succeed, I have only to hedge back upon Solomon,
+and inquire, "If man was born to misery as the sparks fly upwards, why
+are not the inferior classes of creation to have their share of it?"
+
+I do not think that any one can trace out the line of demarcation
+between reason and instinct.  Instinct in many points in wonderful,
+especially among insects, but where it is wonderful, it is a blind
+obedience, and inherited from generation to generation.  We observe, as
+in the case of the bees, that they obey the truest laws of mathematics,
+and from these laws they never have deviated from their creation, and
+that all animals, as far as their self-defence or their sustenance is
+concerned, show a wonderful blind obedience to an unerring power, and a
+sagacity almost superior to reason.  But wonderful as this is, it is
+still but instinct, as the progenitors of the race were equally guided
+by it, and it is handed down without any improvement, or any decay in
+its power.  Now if it could be asserted that the instinct of animals was
+only thus inherited from race to race, and could "go no farther," the
+line of demarcation between reason and instinct would at once be
+manifest, as instinct would be blindly following certain fixed laws,
+while reason would ever be assisted by memory and invention.  But we
+have not this boasted advantage on the side of reason, for animals have
+both memory and invention, and, moreover, if they have not speech, they
+have equal means of communicating their ideas.  That this memory and
+invention cannot be so much exercised as our own, may be true, but it is
+exercised to an extent equal to their wants, and they look no further;
+that is to say, that if any want not prepared for, or anything should
+take place interfering with their habits and economy, instinct will
+enable them to meet the difficulty.  There is nothing more wonderful
+than the application of mechanical power by ants.  No engineer could
+calculate with greater nicety, and no set of men work together with such
+combination of force.  After they have made ineffectual attempts to
+remove a heavy body, you will observe them to meet together, consult
+among themselves, and commence an entire new plan of operations.  Bees,
+also, are always prepared to meet any new difficulty.  If the _sphinx
+atropos_, or death's head moth, forces its way into the hive, the bees
+are well known, after having killed it with their stings, to embalm the
+dead body with wax--their reason for this is, that the body was too
+large for them to remove through the passage by which it entered, and
+they would avoid the unpleasant smell of the carcass.  It may be argued,
+that instinct had always imparted to them this knowledge; but if so,
+they must have had a fresh accession of instinct after they had been
+domiciled with men: for it is well known that the hole in the tree, in
+which the wild bees form their cells, is invariably too small to admit
+any animal larger than themselves, and the bodies of such sized animals
+they could remove with as much ease as they do the bodies of their own
+dead.
+
+I could cite a hundred instances, which would prove that animals have
+invention independent of the instinct handed down from generation to
+generation.  I will, however, content myself with one instance of
+superior invention in the elephant, which occurred at Ceylon.  Parties
+were employed felling timber in the forests of Candia, and this timber,
+after having been squared, was dragged to the depot by a large party of
+elephants, who, with their keepers, were sent there for that purpose.
+This work was so tedious, that a large truck was made, capable of
+receiving a very heavy load of timber, which might be transported at
+once.  This truck was dragged out by the elephants, and it was to be
+loaded.  I should here observe, that when elephants work in a body,
+there is always one who, as if by common consent, takes the lead, and
+directs the others, who never refuse to obey him.  The keepers of the
+elephants, and the natives, gave their orders, and the elephants obeyed;
+but the timber was so large, and the truck so high on its wheels, that
+the elephants could not put the timber in the truck according to the
+directions given by the men.  After several attempts, the natives gave
+up the point, and retiring to the side of the road as usual, squatted
+down, and held a consultation.  In the meantime, the elephant who took
+the lead summoned the others, made them drag two of the squared pieces
+to the side of the truck, laid them at right angles with it, lifting one
+end of each on the truck, and leaving the other on the ground, thus
+forming the inclined plane.  The timber was then brought by the
+elephants, without any interference on the part of the keepers or
+natives, who remained looking on, was pushed by the elephants with their
+foreheads up the inclined plane, and the truck was loaded.  Here then is
+an instance in which the inventive instinct of the animal--if that term
+may be used--was superior to the humbler reasoning powers of the men who
+had charge of them.
+
+That animals have the powers of memory as well as man, admits of no
+dispute.  In elephants, horses, and dogs, we have hourly instances of
+it: but it descends much lower down--the piping bullfinch, who has been
+taught to whistle two or three waltzes in perfect concord, must have a
+good memory, or he would soon forget his notes.  To detail instances of
+memory would therefore be superfluous; but, as it does occur to me while
+I write, I must give an amusing instance how the memory of a good
+thrashing overcame the ruling passion of a monkey, which is gluttony,
+the first and only instance that I ever saw it conquered.
+
+I had on board a ship which I commanded, a very large Cape baboon, who
+was a pet of mine, and also a little boy, who was a son of mine.  When
+the baboon sat down on his hams, he was about as tall as the boy was
+when he walked.  The boy having tolerable appetite, received about noon
+a considerable slice of bread and butter, to keep him quiet till
+dinner-time.  I was on one of the carronades, busy with the sun's lower
+limb, bringing it in contact with the horizon, when the boy's lower
+limbs brought him in contact with the baboon, who having, as well as the
+boy, a strong predilection for bread and butter, and a stronger arm to
+take it withal, thought proper to help himself to that to which the boy
+had been already helped.  In short, he snatched the bread and butter,
+and made short work of it, for it was in his pouch in a moment.  Upon
+which the boy set up a yell, which attracted my notice to this violation
+of the articles of war, to which the baboon was equally amenable as any
+other person in the ship; for it is expressly stated in the preamble of
+every separate article, "All who are _in_, or _belonging_ to."
+Whereupon I jumped off the carronade, and by way of assisting his
+digestion, I served out to the baboon monkey's allowance, which is, more
+kicks than halfpence.  The master reported that the heavens intimated
+that it was twelve o'clock; and with all the humility of a captain of a
+man-of-war, I ordered him to "make it so;" whereupon it was made, and so
+passed that day.  I do not remember how many days it was afterwards that
+I was on the carronade as usual, about the same time, and all parties
+were precisely in the same situations,--the master by my side, the
+baboon under the booms, and the boy walking out of the cabin with his
+bread and butter.  As before, he again passed the baboon, who again
+snatched the bread and butter from the boy, who again set up a squall,
+which again attracted my attention.  Looked round, and the baboon caught
+my eye, which told him plainly that he'd soon catch what was not "at all
+_my eye_;" and he proved that he actually thought so, for he actually
+put the bread and butter back into the boy's hands.  It was the only
+instance of which I ever knew or heard of a monkey being capable of
+self-denial when his stomach was concerned, and I record it accordingly.
+(Par parenthese:) it is well known that monkeys will take the
+small-pox, measles, and I believe the scarlet fever; but this poor
+fellow, when the ship's company were dying of the cholera, took that
+disease, went through all its gradations, and died apparently in great
+agony.
+
+As, then, invention and memory are both common to instinct as well as to
+reason, where is the line of demarcation to be drawn; especially as in
+the case of the elephants I have mentioned, superior instinct will
+invent when inferior reason is at fault?  It would appear, if the two
+qualities must be associated, that, at all events, there are two
+varieties of instinct: blind instinct, which is superior to reason, so
+far that it never errs, as it is God who guides; and inventive instinct,
+which enables the superior animals to provide for unexpected
+difficulties, or to meet those which memory has impressed upon them.
+But if we examine ourselves, the difficulty becomes even greater--we
+have decidedly two separate qualities.  We are instinctive as well as
+reasonable beings; and what is inventive instinct but a species of
+reason, if not reason itself?
+
+But although I say that it is hardly possible to draw the line of
+demarcation, I do not mean to say that they are one and the same thing;
+for instinct and reason, if we are to judge by ourselves, are in direct
+opposition.  Self-preservation is instinctive; all the pleasures of
+sense, all that people are too apt to consider as happiness in this
+world; I may say, all that we are told is wrong, all that our reason
+tells us we are not to indulge in, is _instinct_.
+
+Such are the advantages of being reasonable beings in _this world_;
+undoubtedly, we have a right to claim for ourselves, and deny to the
+rest of the creation, the enjoyments of the next.  Byron says:--
+
+  "Man being reasonable, must get drunk."
+
+That is to say, being reasonable, and finding his reason a reason for
+being unhappy, he gets rid of his reason whenever he can.  So do the
+most intellectual animals.  The elephant and the monkey enjoy their
+bottle as much as we do.  I should have been more inclined to agree with
+Byron, if he had said:--
+
+  Man being reasonable, must _go to the devil_.
+
+For what are poor reasonable creatures to do, when instinct leads them
+to the "old gentleman;" and reason, let her tug as hard as she pleases,
+is not sufficiently powerful to overcome the adverse force.
+
+After all, I don't think that I have come to a very satisfactory
+conclusion.  Like a puppy running round after his own tail, I am just
+where I was when I set out; but, like the puppy, I have been amused for
+the time.  I only hope the reader will have been so too.
+
+And now, my brethren, I proceed to the second part of my discourse,
+which is, to defend anglers and fly-fishers from the charge of cruelty.
+
+It is very true that Shakespeare says, "The poor beetle that we tread
+on, in mortal sufferance, feels a pang as great as when a giant dies;"
+and it is equally true that it is as false as it is poetical.
+
+There is a scale throughout nature, and that scale has been divided by
+unerring justice.  Man is at the summit of this scale, being more
+fearfully and wonderfully made, more perfect than any other of the
+creation, more perfect in his form, more perfect in his intellect; he is
+finer strung in his nerves, acuter in his sympathies; he has more
+susceptibility to pleasure, more susceptibility to pain.  He has
+pleasures denied to, and he has pains not shared with him by, the rest
+of the creation.  He enjoys most, and he suffers most.  From man, the
+scale of creation descends, and in its descent, as animals are less and
+less perfect, so is meted out equal but smaller proportions of pleasure
+and pain, until we arrive to the Mollusca and Zoophyte, beings existing
+certainly, but existing without pleasure and without pain--existing only
+to fill up the endless variety, and add the links to the chain of nature
+necessary to render it complete.  The question which naturally will be
+put is, "how do you know this? it is assertion but not proof."  But
+arguments are always commenced in this way.  The assertion is the
+_quid_, the _est demonstrandum_ always comes afterwards.  I handle my
+nose, flourish my handkerchief, and proceed.
+
+Man is the most perfect of creation.  What part of his body, if
+separated from the rest, can he renew?  No part, except the hair and the
+nail.  Reproduction can go no further.  With the higher classes of
+animals, also, there is no reproduction: but even at this slight descent
+upon the scale, we may already point out a great difference.  Although
+there is no reproduction, still there are decided proofs of inferiority;
+for instance, a hare or rabbit caught in a trap, will struggle till they
+escape, with the loss of a leg; a fox, which is carnivorous, will do
+more; he will _gnaw_ off his own leg to escape.  Do they die in
+consequence? no, they live and do well; but could a man live under such
+circumstances? impossible.  If you don't believe me, gnaw your own leg
+off and try.  And yet the conformation of the Mammalia is not very
+dissimilar from our own; but man is the more perfect creature, and
+therefore has not the same resources.
+
+I have hitherto referred only to the _limbs_ of animals; I will now go
+further.  I had a beautiful little monkey on board my ship.  By accident
+it was crushed, and received such injury that the backbone was divided
+at the loins, and the vertebra of the upper part protruded an inch
+outside of its skin.  Such an accident in a man would have produced
+immediate death; but the monkey did not die; its lower limbs were of
+course paralysed.  The vertebra which protruded gradually rotted off,
+and in six weeks the animal was crawling about the decks with its fore
+feet.  It was, however, such a pitiable object, that I ordered it to be
+drowned.  Now, if we descend lower down in the scale until we come to
+the reptiles and insects, we shall find not only that the loss of limbs
+is not attended with death, but that the members are reproduced.  Let
+any one take a spider by its legs, it will leave them in your hands that
+it may escape.  Confine the animal under a glass, and in a few weeks it
+will have all its members perfect as before.  Lizards are still more
+peculiar in their reproduction.  I was at Madeira for many months, and
+often caught the lizards which played about the walls and roofs of the
+out-houses; and if ever I caught a lizard by the tail, he would make a
+spring, and leave his tail in my hand, which seemed to snap off as
+easily as would a small carrot.  Now the tail of the lizard is longer
+than its body, and a continuation of the vertebrae of the back.  I soon
+found out that lizards did not die from this extensive loss, but, on the
+contrary, that their tails grew again.  Even the first week afterwards,
+a little end began to show itself, and in about two months the animal
+had reproduced the whole.  What I am about to say now will probably be
+considered by some as incredible; they are, however, at full liberty to
+disbelieve it.  One day I was looking out of the window with the late
+Tom Sheridan, who lived in the same house, and we observed on the roof
+of the out-house a lizard with two tails, but neither of them full
+grown; and we argued that, at the time the animal lost his tail, he must
+have suffered some division of the stump.  Being at that time a
+naturalist, i.e. very cruel; I immediately caught a lizard, pulled off
+his tail, notched the vertebra, and turned him loose again.  Our
+conjectures were right; the animal in two or three weeks had two tails
+growing out like the one we had seen.  I repeated this experiment
+several times, and it always appeared to succeed; and all the two-tailed
+lizards were called mine.
+
+Now this power of reproduction increases as you descend the scale; as an
+instance, take the polypus, which is as near as possible at the bottom
+of it.  If you cut a polypus into twenty pieces, without any regard to
+division, in a short time you will have twenty perfect polypi.
+
+Now the deductions I would draw from these remarks are--
+
+That the most perfect animals are least capable of reproduction, and
+most sensible of pain.
+
+That as the scale of nature descends, animals become less perfect, and
+more capable of reproduction.
+
+Ergo--they cannot possibly feel the same pain as the more perfect.
+
+Now with respect to fish, they are very inferior in the scale of
+creation, being, with the exception of the cetaceous tribe, which class
+with the Mammalia, all cold-blooded animals, and much less perfect than
+reptiles or many insects.  The nervous system is the real seat of all
+pain; and the more perfect the animal, the more complicated is that
+system: with cold-blooded animals, the nervous organisation is next to
+nothing.  Most fish, if they disengage themselves from the hook, will
+take the bait again; and if they do not, it is not on account of the
+pain, but because their instinct tells them there is danger.  Moreover,
+it is very true, as Sir H.  Davy observes, that fish are not killed by
+the hook, but by the hooks closing their mouths and producing
+suffocation.  How, indeed, would it otherwise be possible to land a
+salmon of thirty pounds weight, in all its strength and vigour, with a
+piece of gut not thicker than three or four hairs?
+
+Upon the same grounds that I argue that fish feel very little
+comparative pain, so do I that the worm, which is so low in the scale of
+creation, does not suffer as supposed.  Its writhings and twistings on
+the hook are efforts to escape natural to the form of the animal, and
+can be considered as little or nothing more.  At the same time I
+acknowledge and, indeed, prove, by my own arguments, that it is very
+cruel to _bob for whale_.
+
+To suppose there are no gradations of feeling as well as of perfection
+in the animal kingdom, would not only be arguing against all analogy,
+but against the justice and mercy of the Almighty, who does not allow a
+sparrow to fall to the earth without his knowledge.  He gave all living
+things for our use and our sustenance; he gave us intellect to enable us
+to capture them: to suppose, therefore, at the same time, that he
+endowed them with so fine a nervous organisation as to make them undergo
+severe tortures previous to death, is supposing what is contrary to that
+goodness and mercy which, as shown towards us, we are ready to
+acknowledge and adore.
+
+I cannot finish this subject without making a remark upon creation and
+its perfectibility.  All _respectable_ animals, from man down to a
+certain point in the scale, have their lice or parasites to feed upon
+them.  Some wit, to exemplify this preying upon one another, wrote the
+following:--
+
+  "Great fleas have little fleas,
+  And less fleas to bite them,
+  These fleas have lesser fleas,
+  And so--_ad infinitum_."
+
+This, however, is not strictly true.  Parasites attach themselves only
+to the great.  Upon those they can fatten.  Having your blood sucked, is
+therefore, a great proof of high heraldry and perfectibility in the
+scale of creation.  If animals were endowed with speech and pride like
+man, we might imagine one creature boasting to another, as a proof of
+his importance.
+
+  "And I, too, also have my louse!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIFTEEN.
+
+                                                        Liege, May 30th.
+What strange meetings take place sometimes!  I recollect once, when I
+was sitting at a _table d'hote_, at Zurich, being accosted by a lady
+next to me, and being accused of having forgotten her.  I looked with
+all my eyes, but could not discover that I had ever seen her before.  At
+last, after allowing me to puzzle for some time, she said: "Sir, you and
+I met at dinner four years ago, at Mr K--'s house in Demerara."  It was
+very true; but who would have thought of running his memory over to
+South America, to a cursed alluvial deposite, hatching monthly broods of
+alligators, and surrounded by naked slaves, whilst out of the window
+before him his eye rested upon the snow-covered mountains of
+Switzerland, and he breathed the pure air of William Tell and liberty.
+This morning I fell in with an acquaintance whom had not seen for years,
+and him also I did not recollect.  I am very unfortunate in that
+respect, and I am afraid that I have very often given offence without
+intending it; but so imperfect is my memory of faces, that I have danced
+with a lady in the evening, and the next day have not known her, because
+she was in a bonnet and morning dress.  Sometimes the shifts I am put to
+are quite ludicrous, asking all manner of questions, and answering those
+put to me at random, to find out some clue as to who my very intimate
+friend may be.  They ought not to be angry at my forgetting their names,
+for sometimes, for a few minutes, I have actually forgotten my own.  It
+does, however, only require one clue to be given me, and then all of a
+sudden I recollect every thing connected with the party.  I remember one
+day as I was passing Whitehall, somebody came up, wrung my hand with
+apparent delight, and professed himself delighted to see me.  I could do
+no other than say the same, but who he was, and where I had seen him
+before, was a mystery.  "I am married since we parted," said he, "and
+have a fine little boy."  I congratulated him with all my heart.  "You
+must come and see me, and I will introduce you to Mary."
+
+"Nothing would give me more pleasure;" but if he had only called his
+wife Mrs So-and-so, I should have a _clue_.  "Let me see," said I,
+"where was it we parted?"
+
+"Don't you recollect?" said he, "At the Cape of Good Hope."
+
+But I was still mystified, and after putting several leading questions,
+I found myself quite as much in the dark as ever.  At last I asked him
+for his card, that I might call upon him.  He had not one in his pocket.
+I pulled out my tablets, and he took out the pencil, and wrote down his
+address; but that was of no use to me.
+
+"Stop, my good fellow, I have so many addresses down there, that I shall
+be making some mistake; put your name down above it."
+
+He did so, and when I saw the name every thing came fast like a torrent
+into my recollection; we _had been_ very intimate, and he was fully
+justified in showing so much warmth.  I could then talk to him about old
+scenes, and old acquaintances; so I took his arm, and went forthwith to
+be introduced to his Mary.  The knowledge of this unfortunate failing
+makes me peculiarly careful not to avoid a person who appears to know
+me; and one day a very absurd scene took place.  I was standing on some
+door steps close to the Admiralty, waiting for a friend, and there was
+another gentleman standing close to me, on the pavement.  A third party
+came up, extending his hand, and I immediately took it, and shook it
+warmly,--although who my friend was, I was, as usual, very much puzzled
+to find out.  Now it so happened that the hand which I had taken was
+extended to the gentleman standing by me, and not to me; and the party
+whose hand I was squeezing looked me in the face and laughed.  I did the
+same, and he then gave his hand to the right party, and walked off.  As,
+however, we had said, "How d'ye do?" we had the politeness to say,
+"Good-by;" both taking off our hats on the broad grin.
+
+I _was_ observing, that I here met with a person whom I could not
+recollect, and, as usual, I continued to talk with him, trusting to my
+good fortune for the clue.  At last it was given me.  "Do you recollect
+the little doctor and his wife at Bangalore?"  I did, and immediately
+recollected him.  As the story of the doctor and his wife has often made
+me laugh, and as I consider it one of the best specimens of _tit for
+tat_, I will narrate it to my readers.  I have since been told that it
+is not new--I must tell it nevertheless.
+
+A certain little army surgeon, who was stationed at Bangalore, had
+selected a very pretty little girl out of an invoice of young ladies,
+who had been freighted-out on speculation.  She was very fond of gaiety
+and amusement, and, after her marriage, appeared to be much fonder of
+passing away the night at a ball than in the arms of her little doctor.
+Nevertheless, although she kept late hours, in every respect she was
+very correct.  The doctor, who was a quiet, sober man, and careful of
+his health, preferred going to bed early, and rising before the sun, to
+inhale the cool breeze of the morning.  And as the lady seldom came home
+till past midnight, he was not very well pleased at being disturbed by
+her late hours.  At last, his patience was wearied out, and he told her
+plainly, that if she staid out later than twelve o'clock, he was
+resolved not to give her admittance.  At this, his young wife, who, like
+all pretty women, imagined that he never would presume to do any such
+thing, laughed heartily, and from the next ball to which she was
+invited, did not return till half-past two in the morning.  As soon as
+she arrived, the palanquin-bearers knocked for admittance; but the
+doctor, true to his word, put his head out of the window, and very
+ungallantly told his wife she might remain all night.  The lady coaxed,
+entreated, expostulated, and threatened; but it was all in vain.  At
+last she screamed, and appeared to be frantic, declaring that if not
+immediately admitted, she would throw herself into the well, which was
+in the compound, not fifty yards from the bungalow.  The doctor begged
+that she would do so, if that gave her any pleasure, and then retired
+from the window.  His wife ordered the bearers to take her on her
+palanquin to the well; she got out, and gave her directions, and then
+slipped away up to the bungalow, and stationed herself close to the
+door, against the wall.  The bearers, in obedience to her directions,
+commenced crying out, as if expostulating with their mistress, and then
+detaching a large and heavy stone, two of them plunged it into the
+water; after which, they all set up a howl of lamentation.  Now the
+little doctor, notwithstanding all his firmness and _nonchalance_, was
+not quite at ease when he heard his wife express her determination.  He
+knew her to be _very entetee_, and he remained on the watch.  He heard
+the heavy plunge, followed up by the shrieks of the palanquin-bearers.
+"Good God," cried he, "is it possible?" and he darted out in his shirt
+to where they were all standing by the well.  As soon as he had passed,
+his wife hastened in-doors, locked, and made all fast, and shortly
+afterwards appeared at the window from which her husband had addressed
+her.  The doctor discovered the _ruse_ when it was too late.  It was now
+his turn to expostulate; but how could he "hope for mercy, rendering
+none?"  The lady was laconic and decided.  "At least, then, throw me my
+clothes," said the doctor.  "Not even your slippers, to protect you from
+the scorpions and centipedes," replied the lady, shutting the
+"jalousie."  At day-light, when the officers were riding their Arabians,
+they discovered the poor little doctor pacing the verandah up and down
+in the chill of the morning, with nothing but his shirt to protect him.
+Thus were the tables turned, but whether this _ruse_ of the well ended
+well,--whether the lady reformed, or the doctor conformed,--I have never
+since heard.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIXTEEN.
+
+                                                          Liege, June 2.
+The academy or college established at Liege in 1817 is very creditable
+to the Liegeois.  Much has been done in fifteen years: the philosophical
+apparatus, collections of minerals and natural history, are all
+excellent for instruction, although the minerals are not very valuable.
+The fossils found in the Ardennes are very interesting, and ought to be
+a mine of wealth to the Liegeois, as by exchanging them they might soon
+have a valuable collection.  It is a pity that the various museums of
+Europe do not print catalogues, not of their own collections only, but
+also of the duplicates which they can part with, so that they may be
+circulated, not only among the national collections, but also among
+private cabinets; by so doing they would all become more perfect.  It is
+currently reported that more duplicates have been allowed to perish in
+the cellars of the British Museum than would have furnished all the
+cabinets in Europe.  It may be replied, that other cabinets had nothing
+to offer in exchange; but that is only a surmise: and even if they had
+not, they should have been presented to other institutions abroad.
+Science ought not to be confined to country or people: it should be
+considered as universal.
+
+To the college is annexed a botanical garden.  There is nothing I
+dislike more than a botanical garden.  I acknowledge the advantages,
+perhaps the necessity, of such institutions; but they always appear to
+me as if there was disarrangement instead of arrangement.  What may be
+called order and classification seems to me to be disorder and
+confusion.  It may be very well to class plants and trees for study, but
+certainly their families, although joined by man, were never intended to
+be united by God.  Such a mixture in one partition, of trees, and
+shrubs, and creeping plants, all of which you are gravely told are of
+one family.  I never will believe it: it is unnatural.  I can see order
+and arrangement when I look at the majestic forest-trees throwing about
+their wild branches, and defying the winds of heaven, while they afford
+shelter to the shrubs beneath, which in their turn protect and shelter
+the violets that perfume all around.  This is beautiful and natural--it
+is harmony; but in a botanical garden every thing is out of its place.
+The Scripture says, "Those whom God hath joined let no man put asunder;"
+may we not add, Those whom God hath sundered let no man presume to join.
+I felt as I looked at the botanical garden as if it were presumptuous
+and almost wicked, and as it was on the banks of the Meuse, I sat down
+on the wall and recovered myself by looking at the flowing river, and
+thinking about utility and futility, "and all that sort of thing and
+everything else in the world," as poor Matthews used to say,--and there
+I sat for an hour, until my thoughts revolved on the propriety of going
+back and eating my dinner,--as Mrs Trollope used to do when she was in
+Belgium.
+
+As I was walking about in the evening, I perceived a dirty little alley
+illuminated with chandeliers and wax candles.  There must be a ball,
+thought I, or some gaiety going on: let us inquire.  "No, sir," replied
+a man to whom I put the question, "it's not a ball,--it is a Monsieur
+who has presented to an image of the Virgin Mary which is up that court,
+a petticoat, which, they say, is worth one thousand five hundred francs,
+and this lighting-up is in honour of her putting it on."  The race of
+fools is not extinct, thought I.  I wonder whether, like King Ferdinand,
+he worked it himself.  Belgium is certainly at this present the
+stronghold of superstition.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.
+
+                                                                 June 3.
+Went to Harquet's manufactory of arms, and was much amused.  They export
+all over the world, and the varieties they make up for the different
+markets are astonishing.  They were then very busy completing an order
+for several thousand muskets for the Belgian troops, which load at the
+breech and fire off without locks or priming.  They showed me a
+fowling-piece on the same principle, which they fired off under water.
+But the low prices of the arms astonished me.  There were a large
+quantity of very long fowling-pieces with the _maker's_ name at
+_Constantinople_, for the Turkish gentlemen, at thirty francs each: a
+common musket was fourteen francs.  I perceived in a corner a large
+number of muskets, of infamous workmanship, and with locks resembling
+those awkward attempts made two hundred years back.  I asked what they
+were for.  They were for the South American market, and made to order,
+for the people there would use no others: any improvement was eschewed
+by them.  I presume they had borrowed one of the Spanish muskets brought
+over by Pizarro as a model, but, at all events, they were very cheap,
+only eight francs each.  God help us, how cheaply men can be killed
+now-a-days!
+
+It is very seldom that you now meet with a name beginning with an X, but
+one caught my eye as I was walking through the streets here.  _Urban
+Xhenemont, negociant_.  I perceive there are still some to be found in
+Greece; the only one I know of in England is that of Sir Morris Ximenes,
+who, I presume, claims descent from the celebrated cardinal.  The
+mention of that name reminds me of the songs of the improvisatore,
+Theodore Hook, and his address in finding a rhyme for such an awkward
+name as Ximenes.  Few possess the talent of improvising.  In Italy it is
+more common, because the Italian language admits the rhyme with so much
+facility; but a good improvisatore is rare even in that country.  There
+was a Dutchman who was a very good improvisatore, a poor fellow who went
+about to amuse companies with his singing and this peculiar talent.  One
+day a gentleman dropped a gold Guillaume into a glass of Burgundy, and
+told him if he would make a good impromptu, he should have both the wine
+and the gold: without hesitation he took up the glass, and suiting the
+action to the word, sang as follows:--
+
+  "Twee Goden in een Glas,
+  Wat zal ik van maken?
+  K' steek Plutus in myn tas,
+  K slaak Bacchus in myn Kaken."
+
+Which may be rendered into French as follows:--
+
+  "Quoi! deux dieux dans un verre,
+  Eh bien! que vais-j'en faire?
+  J'empocherai Plutus,
+  J'avalerai Bacchus."
+
+The gentleman, who gave me this translation, also furnished me with a
+copy of extempore French verses, given by a gentleman of Maestricht, who
+was celebrated as an improvisatore.  They certainly are very superior.
+He was at a large party, and agreed to improvise upon any theme given
+him by five of those present in the way of _Souvenir_.  The first person
+requested the souvenir of _early youth_.
+
+  "Vous souvient-il?  Amis de ma jeunesse,
+  Des beaux momens de nos fougueux exploits?
+  Quand la raison sous le joug de l'ivresse,
+  Essaye en vain de soutenir ses droits.
+  Ce tems n'est plus, cet age de folie,
+  Ou tout en nous est presse de jouir:
+  Mes bons amis, du printemps de la vie
+  Gardons toujours le joyeux _souvenir_."
+
+The next party requested a souvenir of the conscription, many of them,
+as well as the poet, having been forced into the army of France.
+
+  "Vous souvient-il? que plus tard, sous les armes
+  Plusieurs donons, designes par le sort,
+  Loin des parents; versant d'ameres larmes,
+  Allaient trouver ou la gloire ou la mort.
+  Ces jours de deuil par milliers dans l'histoire
+  Ne viendront plus, sur nous s'appesantir
+  Amis, volons an temple de Memoire
+  Effacons-en le sanglant _souvenir_."
+
+The third party requested a souvenir of his "first love."
+
+  "Vous sonvient-il? de cet enfant de Guide
+  Fripon ruse, volage et seducteur;
+  Qui par les yeux d'une beaute timide,
+  D'un trait de feu veut nous frapper au coeur.
+  Du sentimens que sa fleche fit naitre,
+  Et que la mort peut seul aneantir,
+  Eternissons le ravissant bien-etre,
+  En conservant un si beau _souvenir_."
+
+The fourth proposed as a theme, the morning of his marriage.
+
+  "Vous souvient-il? du jour ou l'hymenee
+  Vint nous dicter ses eternelles loix,
+  En attachant a notre destinee
+  L'objet sacre de notre premier choix.
+  Solennite qui par des voeux nous lie,
+  De saints devoirs chargeant notre avenir,
+  Solennite que le vulgaire oublie
+  Nous te gardons en pieux _souvenir_."
+
+The last party desired him to wind up with _friendship_.
+
+  "Quel souvenir puis-je chanter encore,
+  Apres celui ne dans la volupte?
+  Il en est un que le tems corrobore,
+  C'est le premier elan de l'amitie.
+  Eh! qui de nous n'a pas dans sa jeunesse,
+  Livre son coeur a ses charmes puissants,
+  Sainte Amitie, jusqu'a dans la vieillesse,
+  Console-nous des ravages du tems."
+
+I should imagine that after the gentleman had finished all this, he must
+have been pretty well out of breath.
+
+About four miles from Liege is the celebrated manufactory of Seraing,
+belonging to Messrs. Cockerell.  It is beautifully situated on the banks
+of the Meuse, and was formerly the summer palace of the Prince
+Archbishop.  But it is not only here that you observe these symptoms of
+the times--all over France you will perceive the same, and the major
+portion of the manufactories have the arms of princes or nobles
+emblazoned over the facade, while the interiors, which once were the
+abode of refinement and luxury, are now tenanted by artisans and
+appropriated to utility.  The utilitarian system was, however, more
+fully exemplified before the Belgian revolution, for William of Nassau
+was, in fact, a partner of Mr Cockerell.  Mr Cockerell, the father,
+who is now dead, came over from England before the peace, bringing with
+him either the machinery for spinning cotton, or the knowledge necessary
+for its construction, so jealously guarded by our manufacturers.  He
+established himself at Liege, and soon gained patrons.  The firm has now
+three or four manufactories at Liege besides the one at Seraing.  Large
+as was the bishop's palace, it has been increased to about three times
+its original size: it reminds me more of Portsmouth yard than any other
+place.  The number of workmen employed in this manufactory alone is
+between fourteen and fifteen hundred.  They make every variety of steam
+engines, and not only supply this country, but Prussia, Austria, France,
+and even Russia.  People talk of Mr Cockerell having done much mischief
+to his country by furnishing foreigners with the machinery which enabled
+us to undersell them.  I doubt it very much: I consider that the sooner
+other countries are enabled to compete with us to a certain extent, the
+better it will be for England.  At present we are in an unhealthy state,
+and chiefly arising from the unlimited use of machinery.  Let us lose
+that advantage, and, if not richer, at all events we shall be much
+happier.  We are now suffering under a plethora of capital at the same
+time that we are oppressed with debt.  As for Mr Cockerell, it may be
+very well to cry out about patriotism, but the question is, would not
+every other man have done the same?  Had he not a right to bring his
+talents to the best market? and before he is accused of having had no
+regard for his country, it may first be fairly asked, what regard had
+his country shown for him?
+
+
+
+CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.
+
+                                                           Spa, June 10.
+Here we are, and for a time at rest.  Rest! no, the wheels of the
+carriage may rest, even the body for a time may rest, but the mind will
+not.  We carry our restlessness with us wherever we go.  Like a
+steam-engine, the mind works, and works, and works, sometimes, indeed,
+with less rapidity of motion; but still it goes on, goes on in its
+ever-continued labour; waking or sleeping, no repose; until the body,
+which is the mechanical part of the engine, is worn out by constant
+friction, or the steam of the mind is exhausted.  And people tell you,
+and believe that there is rest in the grave.  How can that be?  The soul
+is immortal and cannot exist without consciousness.  If not conscious,
+it does not exist; and if conscious, it must work on, even beyond the
+grave, and for ever.  To assert that there is rest in the grave, is
+denying the immortality of the soul.  And what a contemptible, base
+slave the body is to the soul!  I was going to say that he could not
+call his soul his own; but that would be a Catachresis, and I hate and
+abominate every thing which begins with _cat_.  It is singular that they
+are all unpleasant, or unlucky, or unsafe; for instance--
+
++=============+=========================================+
+Ý             Ýremind you of                            Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-acombs   Ýdeath, funerals, and mummies.            Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-alogue   Ýsale of effects, some poor devil done up.Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-aplasm   Ýa boil poulticed.                        Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-aract    Ýsore eyes, Sam Patch, and devastation.   Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-arrh     Ýhead stuffed, running of the glands.     Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-echism   Ýequally unpleasant in youth and marriage.Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-egorical Ýargument, which is detestable.           Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-erpillarsÝbeasts who foul nature.                  Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-erwaul   Ýhorrid variety of love.                  Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat-gut      Ýstreet music, hurdy-gurdy.               Ý
++-------------+-----------------------------------------+
+ÝCat's-paw    Ýa calm, with a prize in sight.           Ý
++=============+=========================================+
+
+As for a cat itself, I cannot say too much against it; and it is
+singular, that the other meanings of the single word are equally
+disagreeable; as to _cat_ the anchor, is a sign of _going to sea_, and
+the _cat_ at the gangway is the worst of all.
+
+Five o'clock in the morning,--the sun has not yet appeared above the
+hills, but the mist is rising gradually.  The bell of the church in
+front of my window is tolling;--it ceases; and the pealing of the organ,
+with the chanting of the priests, comes distinct and clear upon my ear,
+as the notes of the bugle over the still water, from some dashing
+frigate in the Sound, beating off at sunset.  How solemn and how
+beautiful is this early prayer!  The sun is rising, the mists of the
+night are rolling off, and the voices and music resound at the same time
+to heaven.  The church is full, and many remain outside, uncovered, and
+kneeling in humility.  But who comes here, thought I, as a man in a
+shabby coat walked to within a few yards of the church door, and laid
+down his burden, consisting of a drum, a fiddle, a roll of canvass, a
+chair, and a long pole.  This is a curious stock in trade, methinks; how
+in the name of all the saints do you gain your livelihood?  This was
+soon ascertained.  A minute before the mass was over, he fixed his pole
+upright in the ground, hung his canvass on it, and unrolled it,
+displaying a picture divided in six compartments.  He then hung his
+fiddle to his button, took his drum, and putting his chair close to his
+pole, stood upon it, giving a long, but not loud roll of his drum, which
+he repeated at intervals, to attract attention.  He had taken his
+station with judgment; and as the people came out of church, he had soon
+a crowd about him, when he commenced with crossing himself, and then
+continued to explain the legend which was attached to his pictures on
+the canvass.  I could not hear all, but still I could understand enough
+to fill up the rest.  It was the wonderful cure performed by a certain
+saint; and as he told the story, he pointed to the different
+compartments with his fiddlestick, for he had laid aside his drum as
+soon as he had collected an audience.  Now and then he crossed himself
+devoutly, and at last informed the crowd around him that he had the very
+prayer, and the very remedy which had been prescribed.  He then played
+his fiddle, singing the prayer in a solemn chaunt; and then he pulled
+out of his pocket a packet of little books and little boxes.  They are
+only one halfpenny each; and all that is necessary is, that they should
+touch the figure of the saint on the canvass, to be imbued with the
+necessary virtue.  He sells them rapidly; each time that he puts them to
+the canvass crossing himself, and insisting that the party who purchases
+shall do the same.  He takes his fiddle again, and sings the history of
+the saint, pointing with his fiddlestick to the compartments of the
+picture as he goes on; and now he pulls out more little books and more
+boxes; and how fast they purchase them!  The stock in trade in his own
+possession is certainly of little value; but he possesses a fruitful
+mine in the superstition of others.  Ah, well!  Are not those inside the
+church setting him the example of mixing up religion with quackery?
+
+Spa is beautifully situated, between abrupt hills covered with verdure;
+the walks cut in these hills are very beautiful, and much pains have
+been taken to render the place agreeable;--no wonder, when we recollect
+how many crowned heads have visited the place: but the sun of Spa has
+set, probably never to rise again; for whatever may be the property of
+its waters, to be frequented, a watering-place must be fashionable.
+There are many causes for its desertion.  One is, the effects of the
+Belgian revolution.  During the time that Belgium was attached to the
+Netherlands, the king, with the prince and princess of Orange, came here
+almost every year, bringing with them, of course, a great number of the
+nobility; but now the nobility have deserted the court; and when Leopold
+came here, no one followed.  He was disgusted, and remained but a few
+days.  The Prussians used also to resort very much to Spa; but the king
+of Prussia finding that so many young men were ruined at the
+gaming-tables, and so much distress occasioned by it, with a most
+fatherly despotism, has refused all the officers permission to visit
+Spa, and has forbidden the medical men to recommend the waters.  The
+Russians also flocked in great numbers to Spa; but the emperor, although
+very indifferent about their losing their money, is very particular
+about his subjects gaining revolutionary opinions; and Spa being in a
+revolutionary country, has been condemned: they may just as well ask to
+go to Siberia, for that would probably be their route; and lastly, there
+is one more cause which, these two last seasons, has had a powerful
+effect, neither more nor less than a certain book, called the "_Bubbles
+of the Brunnen_."  I say for the last two seasons, for its influence
+will not extend to a third, as hundreds and hundreds who have gone to
+the Baths with the intention of passing this season, have already
+returned in disgust.  A word upon this.
+
+When Sir George Head published his "Bubbles," he set people almost as
+mad as they were during the great "Bubble Mania;" and like all the
+mining and other associations, they have proved but bubbles at last.  It
+is said that one hundred and thirty-five thousand passports were taken
+out last year to go up the Rhine, by people who wished to see the pigs
+go through their daily manoeuvres, to an unearthly solo on the horn, and
+to witness the decapitation of the Seltzer-water bottles, which were
+condemned as traitors.  Now, so large an influx of people to these
+German watering-places could have but one effect; that of a glorious
+harvest to the innkeepers, and those who had lodgings to let.  The
+prices, at these places, have now become so enormous, that three florins
+have been asked for a single bed, and everything else has risen in the
+same proportion.  The reaction has now begun to take place, and every
+day and every hour we have carriages returning through Liege, and other
+towns, from these watering-places, the occupants holding up their hands,
+quite forgetting the pigs and bottles, and only exclaiming against
+extortion, and everything German.  They have paid too dear for their
+whistle, as Franklin used to say; the bubble has burst, and they look
+with regret at their empty purses.  And yet, all that Head said in his
+amusing book was true.  He rambled through a verdant and unfrequented
+lane, and described what he felt as he stopped to pick blackberries.  An
+immense multitude have followed him, the green lane has been beaten down
+into a high road, and, as for blackberries, they are only to be procured
+at the price of peaches in May.
+
+And now let us reflect whether the bubble will not also burst with the
+Germans.  Formerly they were contented with moderate profits, and
+received their visitors with humility and thankfulness.  Now, that they
+have suddenly made large profits, they have become independent and
+unceremonious; and, like most people, because they have reaped a golden
+harvest for two years, they anticipate that it will continue.  The value
+of property at these places has risen, speculations have been entered
+into on a large scale, provisions and the necessaries of life have
+become dear; new houses are building against time, and the proprietors
+smoke their pipes with becoming gravity, calculating upon their future
+gains.  But the company will fall off more and more each succeeding
+year, although the speculations will continue; for people always find a
+good reason for a bad season, and anticipate a better one the next.  At
+last, they will find that they are again deserted, and property will
+sink in value to nothing; the reaction will have fully taken place,
+prices will fall even lower than they were at first; honesty and
+civility will be reassumed, although, probably, the principal will have
+been lost.  Thus will the bubble burst with them, as it has already with
+deserted Spa.
+
+But when all idle people shall have visited all the bubbling fountains
+of Germany, where are they to go next?  There are some very nice springs
+in Iceland not yet patronised; but although the springs there are hot,
+the Springs, vernally speaking, are cold.  I can inform travellers where
+they will find out something new, and I advise them to proceed to the
+boiling springs at Saint Michael's, one of the Western isles, and which
+are better worth seeing than all the springs that Germany can produce.
+I will act as _guide de voyage_.
+
+When you land at Saint Michael's, you will find yourself in one of the
+dirtiest towns in the world, and will put up at one of the worst hotels;
+however, you will have to pay just as dear as if lodged at the
+Clarendon, and fed at the _Rocher de Cancale_.  The town contains many
+inhabitants, but more pigs.  German pigs are not to be compared to them.
+You must then hire donkeys and ascend to the mountains, and after a hot
+ride, you will arrive at a small valley in the centre of the mountains,
+which was once the crater of a volcano, but is now used by nature as a
+kettle, in which she keeps hot water perpetually boiling for those who
+may require it.  There you will behold the waters bubbling and boiling
+in all directions, throwing up huge white columns of smoke, brought out
+in strong relief by the darker sides of the mountains which rear their
+heads around you.  The ground you tread upon trembles as you walk; you
+feel that it is only a thin crust, and that in a moment you may sink
+into the vast cauldron below, and have a hot bath without paying for it.
+Continue along the valley, and you will find lakes of still,
+deadly-cold water, with hot springs at their verge, throwing the smoke
+over their surface, while they pour in their boiling water as if they
+would fain raise the temperature; depositing sulphur in cakes and
+crystals in their course.  And in another spot there is a dark,
+unfathomable hole, called the Devil's Mouth: you approach it, and you
+hear low moanings and rumblings, as if nature had the stomach-ache; and
+then you will have a sudden explosion, and a noise like thunder, and a
+shower of mud will be thrown out to a distance of several yards.  Wait
+again; you will again hear the moans and rumblings, and in about three
+minutes the explosion and the discharge will again take place; and thus
+has this eternal diarrhoea continued ever since the memory or tradition
+of man.
+
+Yet, upon this apparently insecure and dangerous spot have been erected
+houses and baths, and it is resorted to by the fashionables of Saint
+Michael's, who wish, by its properties, to get rid of certain cutaneous
+disorders: for the whole air is loaded with sulphurous vapour, as the
+eternal pot keeps boiling.
+
+Observe the advantages of this place:--you may have a bath as hot as you
+please, as cold as you please, or you may have a mud _douche_, if you
+have that buffalo propensity; and then you will have to rough it, which
+is so delightful; you will find little or nothing to eat, and plenty of
+bedfellows in all their varieties, a burning sun, and a dense
+atmosphere, and you will be very delighted to get back again, which,
+after all, is the _summum bonum_ to be obtained by travel.
+
+Not very far from this valley of hot water there is another valley,
+containing four small lakes, and in those lakes are found the most
+beautiful gold and silver fish, perhaps, in the world.  How they came
+there, Heaven only knows; but I mention this because there is a curious
+coincidence.  These lakes are known by the name of the Quadre Cidade, or
+four cities.  Now, if my readers will recollect, in the "Arabian
+Nights," there is a story of a valley with four lakes, which were once
+four cities, and that in these lakes were fish of various beautiful
+colours, who were once the inhabitants.  If I recollect right, when the
+fish were caught and put into the frying-pan, they jumped up and made a
+speech; (so would fish now-a-days, if they were not mute;) and the story
+is told by a prince, whose lower extremities are turned into black
+marble, very convenient, certainly, if he dined out every day, as he had
+only his upper toilet to complete.  This coincidence appeared to me to
+be very curious, and had I had time and opportunity I certainly should
+have fried four of these unfortunate fish, to ascertain whether they
+were of the real breed spoken of in the Arabian Tales, of the
+authenticity of which no one, I presume, will venture to doubt.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER NINETEEN.
+
+                                                           Spa, July 15.
+What a curious history might be afforded by Spa and its gaming tables!
+When Spa was in its glory, when crowned heads met and dukes were forced
+to remain in their carriages for want of accommodation, when it was the
+focus of all that was _recherche_ and brilliant, for Spa was so before
+the French revolution, the gaming tables were a source of immense
+profit; and to whom do you imagine that a great portion of the profits
+belonged?--to no less a person than the most sacred and puissant prince,
+the Bishop of Liege, who derived a great revenue from them.  But it
+would appear as if there was a judgment upon this anomalous secular
+property, for these gaming-tables were the cause of the Prince Bishop
+losing all, and being driven out of his territories.  There were two
+gaming establishments at Spa, the Redoubt in the town, and the Vauxhall
+about a quarter of a mile outside of it.  The Redoubt is a fine
+building, with splendid ball-rooms and a theatre, but you must go
+_through the gaming-rooms_ to enter either the ball-room or the theatre.
+The Vauxhall has no theatre, but the rooms are even more spacious; but
+when Spa was at its zenith, even these two immense edifices were barely
+sufficient for the company.  Both these establishments were under the
+same proprietors, and it so happened that the English nobility, who were
+always a very strong party here, were displeased with the conduct of the
+lessees, and immediately raised funds for the building of a second
+Vauxhall.  The bishop ordered the building to be discontinued, but, as
+by the privileges granted by former bishops, this was a violation of the
+rights of the Liegeois, his order was disregarded, and the Vauxhall now
+known by the name of _the Vauxhall_, was finished.  When finished, the
+bishop would not permit it to be opened, but his commands being
+disregarded, he came down with two hundred soldiers and two pieces of
+cannon and took possession.  This created a revolution, and the bishop
+was ultimately obliged to fly his territory and seek assistance.  The
+Prussians marched an army into the city, and there was apparent
+submission, but as soon as they quitted, the insurrection again took
+place, and the bishop was forced again to solicit aid from the
+Austrians, for Prussia would no longer interfere.  Metternich, who was
+so fond of legitimacy that he considered the gaming-tables a legitimate
+source of revenue to the apostle, marched in an Austrian army, and
+hundreds were slaughtered that the bishop might obtain his rights.  Such
+was the state of affairs when the French revolution broke out and
+convulsed Europe, and the province of Liege was among the very first to
+receive with open arms the _bonnet rouge_ and to join themselves with
+France, and thus did the bishop lose his beautiful province for ever.
+As far as Liege was concerned, the French revolution proved a blessing.
+It certainly was a disgraceful finale to an ecclesiastical power, which,
+as I have before mentioned, had formerly led the van in the march of
+Christianity and liberty.
+
+But it appears that the clergy are fated to have an interest in these
+gaming-tables, the stipend of the English resident clergyman being, even
+now, paid out of their profits; for when Belgium was made over to the
+Netherlands, King William assumed his right to the bishop's former share
+of the profits of the tables, and of course brought as many people down
+here as he could to _lose their money_, as he pocketed his _thirds_.
+Since the revolution, Leopold is in King William's shoes, but there are
+little or no profits, as Spa is deserted and the expenses of the
+establishments are great.  Perhaps there is no spot of ground in
+Europe--I will not except Paris--where so much money has been lost by
+gaming as at Spa.  I was walking with a friend who pointed out to me a
+small pavilion in a garden.  "There," says he, "the Prince of Orange,
+who played very deeply, lost to a Spanish gentleman those very jewels
+that were pretended to be stolen.  It was well got up in the papers, but
+that is the real truth."  How far it may be the truth or not, I cannot
+pretend to say, and only know that in Spa you cannot pick your teeth
+without all the world knowing it, and that this is fully believed at Spa
+to be the real truth of the disappearance of the splendid jewels of the
+princess, which have since been redeemed from the Spanish gentleman, who
+now resides at the Hague.
+
+Gaming has always been held up in abhorrence as a vice; but it is rather
+a passion strongly implanted by nature, and abhorrent from the dreadful
+effects produced by its overpowering influence, than a vice _per se_.
+Life itself is a lottery, and the best part of our life is passed in
+gambling.  It is difficult to draw the line between gambling and
+speculation, for every speculation is a gambling transaction.  Is not
+the merchant a gambler? in fact, is not every venture an act of
+gambling?  As for the Stock Exchange, it is the very worst species of
+gambling.  All we can say is, that gambling may be legitimate or
+otherwise; that is, there are species of gambling which may enrich the
+individual if he is fortunate, but whether it enriches him or not, at
+all events it is beneficial to the community at large.  A merchant
+speculates--he sends out manufactures of every description: he fails,
+and is ruined: but the artisans have procured employment for their
+industry, and, although the merchant fails, the community at large has
+benefited.  This is legitimate gambling; but do people in business stop
+there?  No: they will agree to deliver so many thousands of casks of
+tallow or tons of hemp at such and such a time and at a certain price,
+whatever the price may then be.  They cannot complete their engagement,
+and they are ruined; but in this instance, which is simply termed
+speculation, we have quite as much gambling as if the money were at once
+laid down on the table, and the chances decided in an hour instead of so
+many months.  But there is this difference, that this party does not
+injure his character by such a transaction, whereas, if he lost his
+money at the gaming-table he would.  The English are, with the exception
+of the Americans, the most gambling nation under heaven; naturally so,
+because they are the greatest mercantile nation.  The spirit of gambling
+is innate, and when directed into the proper channel it becomes
+enterprise.  It is doubtless a great moral error on the part of a
+government to encourage vice with the view of increasing the revenue,
+but, at the same time, there is no tax so well laid on as that which is
+imposed on vice.  Again, there are certain propensities in man which
+cannot be overcome, and which, if attempted to be wholly eradicated by
+legal enactments, would occasion more evil still.  All that a judicious
+government can or should attempt to effect is, to restrain them within
+proper bounds, to regulate them, and as much as possible to keep them
+out of sight, that the virus may not extend.  It is well known, that
+certain houses are licensed by the magistrates, because, it being
+impossible to eradicate the vice, they can do no more than to separate
+it, that it may not be communicated to the healthier part of the
+community.  Now upon this principle, which is the true principle of
+sound legislation, I have often thought that it was a great error in our
+legislature when they consented to put down the public lotteries in
+England.  I am convinced that they were beneficial, acting as
+safety-valves to the gambling spirit of the nation, and that their
+prohibition has been productive of much crime and misery.  The spirit of
+gambling cannot be eradicated; it ought, therefore, to be kept within
+due bounds.  There was one great advantage in the English lottery; it
+was drawn but once a year, and those who purchased the tickets were
+content to remain quiet until their success was made known.  The
+chances, although very distant, of so high a prize, satisfied the spirit
+of gambling; if they lost, they purchased again, and waited patiently
+for another year, trusting to be more fortunate.  Now, although they
+gambled, they did not acquire the _habit_ of gaming.  What has been the
+consequence since the lotteries have been abolished? that there are
+hells of every description established throughout the metropolis, from
+those which admit the stake of a shilling, to Crockford's splendid
+Pandemonium; and those who were formerly content with a lottery ticket,
+now pass their evenings away from their families, and ruin themselves in
+a very short time.  The lottery never ruined any one.  The sum staked
+might be large for the circumstances of the parties, but it was a yearly
+stake, and did not interfere with the industry, the profits, or the
+domestic happiness of the year.  One half the tradesmen who now appear
+in the "Gazette," have been ruined by frequenting the low hells with
+which the metropolis abounds.  From the above considerations, I do not
+think it was advisable to abolish the lotteries.
+
+The next question is one upon which I hesitate to offer an opinion; but
+it is worthy of consideration how far it may be advisable to license and
+tax gaming-houses.  Were it possible to put them down altogether, the
+question need not be discussed; but it is impossible.  Has any
+magistrate ventured to interfere with Crockford's, where it is well
+known that the highest gaming is carried on every night?  Are you not
+permitted to walk through the club at any hour of the day?  Do they not
+have the tables exposed to the view of every one?  Yet who has
+interfered, although you find that the smaller hells are constantly
+broken in upon, and the parties had up to the police-office?  Are not
+the laws made for all?  Is that an offence in the eyes of government in
+a poor man which is not one in the rich?  Yet this is the case: and why
+so?  Because the rich will game, and the government cannot prevent them.
+Has not a man a right to do as he pleases with his own money?  You
+legalise the worst of gambling on the Stock Exchange, for a man can
+there risk what he cannot pay: you cannot control the gaming of the
+race-course, and yet you would prevent a man from gambling after his own
+fashion.  You wink at the higher classes ruining themselves, and you
+will not permit the middle classes.  Now the consequence of not having
+licensed tables is, that you have no control over them, and the public,
+who will play, are the dupes of rascals who cheat in every way: whereas,
+if a certain number were licensed and controlled, those who play would
+have a better chance, and the licensed tables taxed by government would
+take care to put down all others who were not.  We must legislate for
+society as it is, not as it ought to be; and, as on other points, we
+have found it necessary to submit to the lesser evil of the two, it is a
+question whether in this also we might not do better by keeping within
+due bounds that which it is impossible to prevent.
+
+I was amused with an anecdote told me to-day.  An Englishman and a
+Frenchman arrived at Spa in the same diligence.  They both took up their
+quarters at the same hotel, but from that moment appeared to have no
+further intimacy.
+
+"Do you see that fellow?" would the Englishman say, pointing at the
+Frenchman, "I know him, and he's a confounded rogue.  I recommend you to
+be shy of him."
+
+"Voyez-vous cet Anglais?" said the Frenchman as the Englishman passed
+by.  "Gardez-vous en bien; c'est un coquin superieur."
+
+Thus did they continue to warn the company of each other, until the
+close of the season, when one fine day they both went off together in
+the diligence, leaving all their debts unpaid, and their trunks and
+portmanteaus for the benefit of the landlord of the hotel, who, on
+opening them, found them to contain nothing but stones and rubbish.
+This was a new species of holy alliance, but the _ruse_ was by no means
+ill advised.  When you hear a man constantly proclaiming the roguery of
+another, you are too apt to give him credit for honesty in his own
+person.  Thus, with those whom each party associated and dealt with,
+they obtained a credit for honesty, which enabled them to succeed in
+their roguish endeavours.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY.
+
+                                                                 Ostend.
+From Spa to Liege, from Liege to Brussels, from Brussels to Ostend, how
+detestable it is to go over the same ground again and again! only to be
+imposed upon and cheated again and again.  What a weary world this is,
+and what a rascally one!  How delightful a little honesty would be, by
+way of a change!  Of all the rascality spread like butter on bread over
+the surface of the globe, certainly the butter lies thicker on the
+confines of each territory.  There is a concentration of dishonesty at
+the ports of embarkation and debarkation.  Take London when you land
+from a steam-boat, or Dover, or Calais, or Ostend.  It is nothing but a
+system of extortion or over-reaching.  And why so? because in the hurry,
+the confusion, the sickness, and the ignorance of what is right,
+everything that is wrong can be practised with impunity.  These preyers
+upon mankind at the confines, remind you of the sharks in India, who
+always ply _in the surf_, where their motions cannot be seen, and the
+unwary are invariably their prey.  I have knocked three down already,
+and one would imagine they would hasten for redress; but they will not,
+for that would take hours, and during these hours they will lose the
+opportunity of making their harvest, so they get up again, and pocket
+the affront, that they may not lose time in filling their pockets.
+Talking about roguery, there was a curious incident occurred some time
+back, in which a rascal was completely outwitted.  A bachelor gentleman,
+who was a very superior draftsman and caricaturist, was laid up in his
+apartments with the gout in both feet.  He could not move, but sat in an
+easy chair, and was wheeled by his servant in and out of his chamber to
+his sitting-room.  Now a certain well-known vagabond ascertained the
+fact, and watched until the servant was sent upon a message.  The
+servant came out of the front door, but left the area door open,
+communicating with the kitchen.  Down went the vagabond, entered the
+kitchen, and walked up stairs, where, as he anticipated, he found the
+gentleman quite alone and helpless.
+
+"I am sorry, sir, to see you in this situation," said the rogue; "you
+cannot move, and your servant is out."
+
+The gentleman stared.
+
+"It is excessively careless of you to leave yourself so exposed, for
+behold the consequences.  I take the liberty of removing this watch and
+these seals off the table, and putting them into my own pocket; and, as
+I perceive your keys are here, I shall now open these drawers, and see
+what suits my purpose."
+
+"Oh! pray help yourself, I beg," replied the gentleman, who was aware
+that he could do nothing to prevent him.
+
+The rogue did so accordingly; he found the plate in the sideboard
+drawer, and many other articles which suited him, and in about ten
+minutes, having made up his bundle, he made the gentleman a very low
+bow, and decamped.  But the gentleman had the use of his hands, and had
+not been idle; he had taken an exact likeness of the thief with his
+pencil, and on his servant returning soon after, he despatched him
+immediately to Bow Street with the drawing, and an account of what had
+happened.  The likeness was so good, that the man was immediately
+identified by the runners, and was captured before he had time to
+dispose of a single article purloined.  He was brought to the gentleman
+in two hours afterwards, identified, the property found on him sworn to,
+and, in six weeks, he was on his passage to Botany Bay.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY ONE.
+
+                                                       London, November.
+We have the signs of the times here.  I peep through the fog and see
+quite enough to satisfy me that the prosperity is but partial.  Money in
+plenty, but lying in heaps--not circulated.  Every one hugs his bag, and
+is waiting to see what the event may be.  Retrenchment is written up as
+evident as the prophetic words of fire upon the walls of Belshazzar's
+palace--_To let--to let--to let_.  Leave London in any direction, and
+you find the same mystical characters every one hundred yards of the
+road.  This beautiful villa, this cottage ornee, this capital house with
+pleasure-grounds, this mansion and park--all--all to let.  It is said
+that there are upwards of seven thousand of these country seats to let
+within twelve miles of the metropolis.  Again, look at the arms of the
+carriages which still roll through the streets, and you will perceive
+that if not with a coronet or supporters, nine out of ten have the
+widow's _lozenge_.  And why so? because they belong to the widows of
+those who died in the times of plenty, and who left them large jointures
+upon their estates.  They, of course, can still support and even better
+support, the expense; but the estates now yield but sufficient to pay
+the jointure, and the incumbent swallows up the whole.  And where are
+the real owners of the properties?  At Paris, at Naples, at Brussels, if
+they can afford to be in a Capital--if not, dispersed over Belgium,
+Switzerland, and Italy--retrenching in other countries, or living more
+comfortably upon their incomes.  How many millions, for it does amount
+to millions, are now spent on the continent, enriching the people of
+other countries, and in all probability laying up for those countries
+the sinews for another war to be directed against England!  How much of
+wretchedness and starvation has been suffered in our own country within
+these few years, which, if our people had not been living abroad, might
+never have been felt!  Where are the elite of our aristocracy?  Where
+are our country gentlemen who used to keep open house at their estates,
+disseminating their wealth and producing happiness?  All driven abroad--
+society disjointed--no leader of fashion to set the example, by
+luxurious entertainments, of disseminating that wealth which ultimately
+finds its way into the greasy pocket of the labourer or mechanic.  Shops
+opened late and closed early.  Gin palaces, like hell, ever open to a
+customer.  The pulse of London hardly beats--it is perceptible, but no
+more.  Nothing is active but the press, and the pressure from without.
+But who would remain ten days in London in the month of November, when
+he can go away, without he had serious thoughts of suicide?  Candles at
+high noon, yellow fogs, and torches in mid-day, do not suit me, so I'm
+off again to a purer atmosphere.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY TWO.
+
+                                                           Spa, June 30.
+Yesterday I fell in with two old friends, who, from a mere "truant
+disposition," joined perhaps with a little good will towards me, came
+over to Spa.  As soon as their arrival had been announced, I went to
+them, and at their request joined their dinner.  After our first
+greetings, B--, who not only appears, but really is, a man of fashion,
+in the best sense of the term, wanted his snuff-box.  It was in his
+bed-room, and his bed-room was locked by the servant, who had taken the
+key and gone out.  The consequence was, that B-- had to wait some time,
+and until the man came back.  I have always had a great aversion to a
+valet when constantly moving about on the Continent, as a single man;
+and, although I do not now, as I used to do when a midshipman, brush my
+own clothes and black my own shoes, yet I like independence, in every
+thing, and infinitely prefer doing anything myself, to being waited
+upon; for, generally speaking, it is the master who waits and not the
+man.
+
+"I wonder you bother yourself with such a travelling appendage, B--,"
+observed I, giving him a pinch of snuff to quiet his impatience.  "I
+have never lately travelled with one."
+
+"My dear fellow--the comfort of it--you have no idea.  It would be
+impossible to get on without one."
+
+"Quite impossible," observed W--, my other acquaintance.
+
+"I have been brought up in a school in which the word impossible has
+been erased from the language."
+
+"Well, but the comfort of it.  When you arrive, dirty and dusty, your
+portmanteau opened, all your articles of dress laid out."
+
+"I can do all that myself sooner than he can; and, as I must wait till
+it be done, I may as well do it myself."
+
+"Yes, so you may, but then the security; every thing locked up, which,
+in a strange hotel, is so necessary."
+
+I lock my own room, and know where to find the key when I come in.
+
+"Very likely; but still it is impossible to travel comfortably without a
+valet."
+
+"Quite impossible," rejoined W--.
+
+"Be it so," replied I; "we differ in opinion.  All I can say is, that
+necessary as a valet is when stationary, he is a nuisance when you
+travel _en garcon_."
+
+The conversation dropped, and we sat down to dinner; the time passed
+away, as it always does, when old friends, who respect and like each
+other, meet, after an absence of some months.  After dinner we smoked
+cigars; and, as the evening advanced, there were none left on the table.
+B-- rang the bell for his servant to procure others; the servant had
+gone out and was no where to be found, and for _security_ had locked the
+bed-room door and taken the key with him.  So we drank our claret, and
+waited for his return.  "Thinks I to myself"--but I said nothing.  At
+last, we waited till past twelve o'clock; but the gentleman's gentleman
+was no where to be found.  B-- was angry with the man, W-- had thrown
+himself on the sofa.  He wished to go to bed after a long day's travel;
+but his key was also, for security, in the valet's pocket, who had been
+searched for every where without success.  B-- begged me not to remain
+out of politeness; but I did remain not out of politeness, but of
+"_malice_," as the French term it.  "I had too much pleasure in their
+company to think of leaving them;" and we continued to sip
+brandy-and-water.  At last, three o'clock came, B-- was out of all
+patience, W-- snoring on the sofa, and I, quite delighted.  The sun
+should have poured his beams upon us before I would have gone away.  The
+bell was rung, but in vain, for the waiters would wait no longer.  It
+was proposed to send for a menuisier to pick the lock; but how was one
+to be found at three o'clock in the morning?  At last the valet, drunk
+and reeling in his morning jacket, entered the room.  "The keys the
+keys!" demanded B-- in wrath.
+
+"The key!" roared W--, who had woke up.
+
+"I have them," replied the valet, with a most knowing leer, facetiously
+smiling.  "I have them--all safe--all right, gentlemen.  Here they are,"
+continued the man, pulling them out, and presenting them as if he had
+done a very clever thing.  "Here they are, you see."
+
+The man was too tipsy to be expostulated with, and the gentlemen took
+their keys in silence.  "And now," said I, "gentlemen, I wish you a very
+good night.  You have fully established the extreme _comfort_ of a
+travelling valet, and the impossibility of doing without one."  It was a
+glorious victory, although to get _out_ of the house I had to open a
+window and leap from it, and to get _into_ my own house at that hour was
+even more difficult.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY THREE.
+
+I have been reading Jesse's "Gleanings."  Is he quite correct?  I have
+my doubts.  In one point I certainly do not agree with him, in his
+favourite opinion of cats.  I do, however, know an instance of misplaced
+affection in a cat, which, although it does not add to the moral
+character of the race, is extremely curious for more reasons than one,
+and as it happened in my own family, I can vouch for its authenticity.
+A little black spaniel had five puppies, which were considered too many
+for her to bring up.  As, however, the breed was much in request, her
+mistress was unwilling that any of them should be destroyed, and she
+asked the cook whether she thought it would be possible to bring a
+portion of them up by hand before the kitchen fire.  In reply, the cook
+observed that the cat had that day kittened, and that, perhaps, the
+puppies might be substituted for her progeny.  The experiment was made,
+two of the kittens were removed, and two puppies substituted.  The cat
+made no objections, took to them kindly, and gradually all the kittens
+were taken away, and the cat nursed the two puppies only.  Now, the
+first curious fact was, that the two puppies nursed by the cat were, in
+a fortnight, as active, forward, and playful, as kittens would have
+been: they had the use of their legs, barked, and gambolled about; while
+the other three, nursed by the mother, were whining and rolling about
+like fat slugs.  The cat gave them her tail to play with, and they were
+always in motion; they very soon ate meat, and long before the others
+they were fit to be removed.  This was done, and the cat became very
+inconsolable.  She prowled about the house, and on the second day of
+tribulation fell in with the little spaniel, who was nursing the other
+three puppies.
+
+"O ho!" says Puss, putting up her back, "it is you who have stolen my
+children."
+
+"No," replied the Spaniel, with a snarl, "they are my own flesh and
+blood."
+
+"That won't do," said the cat, "I'll take my oath before any justice of
+peace that you have my two puppies."
+
+Thereupon issue was joined, that is to say, there was a desperate
+combat, which ended in the defeat of the spaniel, and the cat walking
+proudly off with one of the puppies, which she took to her own bed.
+Having deposited this one, she returned, fought again, gained another
+victory, and redeemed another puppy.  Now it is very singular that she
+should have only taken two, the exact number she had been deprived of.
+Does this not prove to a certain extent the power of calculating numbers
+in animals? and does not the precocity of the two puppies brought up by
+the cat, infer there is some grounds for the supposition that with the
+milk is imbued much of the nature and disposition of the mother?  A few
+experiments made on these points would be interesting, and we should
+have a new science, that of _lacteology_, to add to craniology, in our
+nurture and rearing of the species.
+
+This reminds me of a singular fact, little known.  The Burmahs, who are
+disciples of Gaudma, equally with the inhabitants of Pegu and Syriam,
+whose country they have conquered, worship the White Elephant, who is
+considered as a god.  There have been but three white elephants since
+the foundation of the Burmah dynasty by Alompraa.  The first one is
+dead, and I have one of his teeth carved with figures, which was
+consecrated to the great Dagon Pagoda.  The second now _reigns_--he is
+attended by hundreds, wears a howdah, or cloth, studded with precious
+stones; which is said to be worth a million of money.  He also wears his
+bangles or armlets on each leg, and fares sumptuously every day.  White
+elephants are very scarce; the colour is occasioned by a disease in the
+animal, a species of leprosy.  Any elephant hunter in these countries,
+who is fortunate enough to capture a white elephant, is immediately
+created a noble, and advanced to high honour and wealth.  The third
+white elephant, of which I am about to speak particularly, and who may
+be considered as the heir apparent, was taken a few months previous to
+our declaring war against the Burmahs.  He was very young; his mother
+had been killed, and he yet required partial nourishment.  He was
+brought to Rangoon, established in one of the best houses in the place,
+and an edict was sent forth from the capital, ordering that twenty-four
+of the most healthy young married women should be dedicated to his
+wants, and if they fell off in powers of nourishment, be replaced by
+others.  This was considered an honour--for were they not nursing a
+_God_?  Major Canning, the political agent, who went to see this curious
+spectacle, described it to me as follows: "The animal was not above
+three feet and a few inches high, its colour was a dirty grey, rather
+than white; it was very healthy, playful, and in good spirits.  When I
+went into the room, which was very spacious, and built of teak-wood, the
+twenty-four nurses were sitting or lying on mats about the room, some
+playing at draughts and other games, others working.  The elephant
+walking about, looking at them, and what they were doing, as if he
+understood all about it.  After a short time, the little deity felt
+hungry, and, with his trunk he pushed some of the women, but to annoy
+him they would not yield to his solicitations.  When he became angry,
+and was too rough for them, they submitted, and he put his trunk round
+their waists in the most affectionate manner, while he was supplying
+himself."  I did not see the animal myself, as immediately that they
+heard of our arrival at the mouth of the river, they despatched him
+under a strong guard to a place of security.  But I should like to
+ascertain hereafter, whether his nurture made him a more reasonable
+being than are elephants in general.
+
+How one's thoughts fly away over time and space!  What a rush of
+incidents crowd into my memory, merely from having mentioned this
+circumstance of the white elephant.  I did once intend to have written a
+narrative of what passed during our sojourn in that country, for I saw
+more of the inhabitants than most people; but others have forestalled
+me, and it is now too late.  Nevertheless, it will perhaps amuse the
+reader, if, without entering into the military details, I mention a few
+of the operations and scenes which then occurred.  It shall be so then,
+and we will discourse a little about the Burmahs.
+
+An Armenian merchant who resided there told me a story one day which was
+curious.  The King of Pegu was possessed of the most splendid ruby in
+the world, both as to size and colour.  This was well known; it was the
+boast of the nation.  When the Burmahs subdued the kingdom of Pegu, the
+old king with all his family were taken prisoners, vast treasure was
+also captured, but the great ruby was not to be found, notwithstanding
+the torture and beheading of thousands.  With the usual barbarity of
+these countries, the old king, a miserable paralytic little man, was
+stripped naked and confined in an iron cage, which I saw when I was at
+Rangoon.  In this confinement he lived for ten or twelve years, every
+festival day being brought out and exposed to the derision of the
+populace.  At last he died, and his body was thrown out to be devoured
+by the dogs and birds of prey.  One of the soldiers who assisted to drag
+the body out of the cage, turned it over with his foot, and perceived
+that his right hand grasped a hump of _damma_, (a sort of pitch,) which
+curiosity induced the Burmah to force out with the point of his spear.
+This had been observed before, but the Burmahs, who are very
+superstitions and carry about them all sorts of charms, imagined it to
+be a charm for his paralysis or palsy with which he was afflicted, and
+therefore had allowed him to retain it.  But when the Burmah took it up,
+the weight of it convinced him that it was not all damma: he examined
+it, and found that it was the great ruby of the Pegu kingdom which had
+been lost, and which the old man had for so many years, in a state of
+nudity and incarceration, held in his left hand.  I asked one of the
+Burmah chiefs whether this ruby now in the possession of the King of Ava
+was so fine as represented: his answer was in truly Eastern
+hyperbole--"Dip it in the Irrawaddy," said he, (that is, an enormous
+river seven hundred miles long and in many parts several miles broad,)
+"and the whole water will turn to blood."
+
+I have said that the Burmahs are very superstitious: they have a great
+variety of charms which they wear about their persons, but there is one
+custom of theirs which is very singular.  They polish rubies; that is,
+without cutting them in _facettes_, but merely the stone, whatever its
+primitive shape, is rubbed down on every side until it is perfectly
+smooth.  They then make an incision in the flesh, generally the arm or
+leg, put in the ruby and allow the skin to heal over it, so that the
+stone remains there.  Soldiers and sailors in search of plunder will
+find out any thing, and this practice of the Burmahs was soon
+discovered; and after the assault and carrying of a stockade, you would
+see the men passing their hands over the bodies, and immediately they
+felt a rising in the limb, out with their knives and cut in for the
+rubies.  Indeed, the plunder was more considerable than might be
+imagined, for every Burmah carried all his wealth about his person.
+
+Another singular custom arising from their superstition prevails among
+this people.  The king has a corps denominated _Invulnerables_, whose
+ranks are filled up in this manner:--when a criminal is condemned to
+death for certain offences, such as robbery, he is permitted to
+challenge as an _invulnerable_.  This is proved by his standing at a
+certain distance from several men who fire at him with ball.  Should he
+not be wounded or killed, he is pronounced an invulnerable and enrolled
+in the corps.  In every stockade we attacked, there were always one or
+two of these men, and they really appeared to believe in their own
+powers.  They generally stood above the timbers of the stockade, dancing
+and capering as the boats advanced, and continued their extravagance
+amidst a shower of bullets, exposing their persons in a most undaunted
+manner.  There was one fellow who, dressed in a short red jacket, and
+nothing else except the cloth round his loins, who was well known to our
+men; they called him _Happy Jack_, from the capers which he used to cut,
+and somehow or another it was his good fortune never to be hit, at
+least, not that we know of, for taking stockade after stockade, at every
+fresh attack there was Happy Jack to be seen capering and shouting as
+usual, and never ceasing to expose himself until the troops had landed
+and were about to scale the fortress.  It was quite amusing to hear the
+men shout out with laughter, "By heavens, there's Happy Jack again."  I
+hope he is alive at this moment; at all events, he deserves to be.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR.
+
+                                                                    Spa.
+Yes, now Spa is agreeable: we have no _redoubte_ open with fools losing
+their money, no English _passants_ looking after amusement, no
+valetudinarians drinking the _poupon_, no Spa boxes crowding every
+window: we are now as a Spa should be, a _coterie_ of houses in a
+ravine, surrounded by the mountains of the Ardennes, crowding and
+shoving up together in mutual protection against the deep snow and the
+forest wolves.  There is something new in this: most of the houses are
+shut up; the shop-windows are all bare; the snow is two feet deep in the
+streets; the mountains on every side are white; the icicles hang upon
+the leafless boughs, and the rivulets are enchained.  All is one drear
+blank; and except the two-horse diligence which heaves slowly in sight
+three or four hours past its time, and the post, (which is now delivered
+at nine o'clock instead of noon); there is no such thing as an arrival:
+the boys slide upon their little sledges down the hills; the cattle are
+driven home; the church clock strikes; and unless we are enlivened by
+the crowd assembled round the countryman, who appears with the carcass
+of a wolf which he has been fortunate enough to kill, we are all quiet,
+monotony and peace: in fact, Spa, now that it is a desert, has become to
+me, at least agreeable.
+
+They say, this hard winter promises plenty of wolves; if so, I recommend
+those who are fond of excitement come here.  Indeed, it will be
+profitable, for if they are active huntsmen, they can pay their
+expenses.  A dead horse costs little, and in Spa, as they give very
+little to the horses to eat in summer, and nothing at all in the winter,
+they die fast.  You have only to drag the carcass to an outhouse at a
+little distance from the town, and with your rifle watch during the
+night.  The wolves will come down to prey upon the carrion, and it is
+hard if you do not kill your couple during the night, and then you are
+rewarded by the commune.  I do not know what the price is now, but when
+the King of Holland was in possession of Belgium it was one hundred
+francs for a male, and three hundred francs for a female wolf.  Now a
+brace a night, four hundred francs, or sixteen pounds, is not a bad
+night's earning: in Spa it would keep a half-pay officer for three
+months.  There is a curious story here, proving the sagacity of a wolf
+which came down an hour before dusk into the town, and made off with a
+child of two years old in her mouth.  The cry was raised, and the
+pursuit immediate.  After following her track for many miles, she gained
+upon them, it became quite dark, and the people returned homewards,
+melancholy at the fate of the poor child.  When they were about half way
+back, they heard the wail of an infant, and, guided by it, they arrived
+at a thick bush, where they found the child alive and unhurt.  The wolf,
+finding that her pursuers gained upon her, had deposited the child
+there, intending to return and make a meal of it upon a more favourable
+opportunity.
+
+We have had nothing to excite us within these last few days but the
+death and burial of an old curate.  He died in all the odour of sanctity
+three days ago, and was buried yesterday.  He was not loved or even
+liked, for he wanted that greatest of all gifts--charity.  His situation
+was worth, with offerings, six thousand francs a year,--a large sum in
+this country: but he did not give to the poor; he exacted from them, and
+they religiously obeyed him, no one killing a pig or anything else
+without a present of part of it to the curate.  When the old man was
+told that he could not live, the ruling passion still governed him.  He
+sent for a person to dispose of for him the sundry pieces of pork which
+he had gathered as presents, then took the extreme unction, and died.
+His will is not known, but he is supposed to be very rich, and whether
+he leaves his wealth to some nephews, or to support a hospital here
+which is at present without funds, is a question of some interest.  He
+was buried in great parade and procession, followed by hundreds holding
+candles.  He was dressed in his best, and every one said that he never
+looked so clean or so well in his life.  He was carried on an open
+_brancard_, with his canonical hat on his head, the snow fell fast and
+settled on his face and clothes, but he felt it not.  The funeral was as
+cold as his charity, the thermometer being exactly 130 below the
+freezing point.  Except the procession of the dead curate and of a dead
+wolf, we have had nothing to interest us for the last ten days.
+
+But I promised to talk about the Burmahs.  There have been two or three
+accounts of the military movements, but there has been no inquiry or
+examination into the character of the people, which, in my opinion, is
+of more importance than is generally supposed; for although the East
+India Company may imagine that they have done with the Burmahs, it is my
+conviction that the Burmahs have not done with them, and even I may live
+to witness the truth of my assertion.
+
+It certainly is a point of some interest to ascertain from whence the
+Burmah nation originally came: that they are not aborigines, I think
+most certain.  They are surrounded by the Cochin Chinese, the Chinese,
+and the Hindoos, all races of inferior stature and effeminate in person,
+with little or no beard.  Now the Burmahs are a very powerful race, very
+muscular in their limbs, possessing great strength and energy: generally
+speaking, I should say, that they are rather taller than Europeans.
+They have the high cheek bones of the Tatar, but not the small eyes;
+they have strong hair and beards, and certainly would remind you of a
+cross between the Jew and the Tatar.  This is singular; and it gave the
+idea to some of those who are fond of indulging in theory, that they
+might be the remnants of that portion of the Jews who, when permitted to
+leave Babylon, instead of going east with the others, bent their course
+to the westward and were never spoken of afterwards.  But the only props
+they had to this argument were the appearance of the people, the weight
+in silver being called the _tekel_ or shekel, and the great pagoda
+having the name of the _Dagon_ pagoda.  At least I heard of no more to
+support the argument but those three, which can hardly be sufficient,
+although the coincidence of the two words is singular.
+
+The Burmahs are semi-barbarous: but this term must be used in the most
+favourable light; because, surrounded on every side by people who are
+wedded to their own customs, the Burmahs have a liberality and a desire
+to improve, which is very remarkable.  I never met with any Burmah, not
+even a lad, who could not read and write; they allow any form of
+religion to be made use of, and churches of any description to be built
+by foreigners, but they do not like missionaries making converts of
+their own people; for as the king is the head of the religion,
+conversion is a breach of allegiance.  One of the missionaries had an
+audience with the king, and demanded permission to make proselytes.  The
+king replied that the missionary might convert as many as he pleased,
+but that he would cut all their heads off afterwards.  The missionary
+had not much trouble, when this answer was made known, in counting the
+heads of his proselytes.  In their own religion, which is Budhism, the
+Burmahs appear to be very relax; it is too absurd for the energy of
+their minds.  Those who enter the priesthood wear a yellow dress; but if
+a priest at any time feels disposed to quit his profession, he is at
+liberty so to do.  All he has to do is to throw off his yellow garment;
+but at the same time he can never resume it.  The Burmahs are
+superstitious about charms, but are not superstitious on religious
+points.  In fact, there is very little religion among them, and had we,
+at the close of the war, instead of demanding a crore of rupees,
+insisted that they should embrace Christianity, the king would have
+given the order, and the whole nation would have nominally been
+Christians.  I once asked a Burmah soldier what was his idea of a future
+state.  His idea of bliss was singular--"I shall be turned into a
+buffalo, and shall lie down in a meadow of grass higher than my head,
+and eat all day long, and there won't be a single mosquito to annoy me."
+While on the subject of religion, I may here observe, that at the
+capture of Rangoon I entered a Chinese temple, the altar-piece, if I may
+use the term, was the Ganesa of the Hindoos, but not seated on the lotus
+leaf, but on the Chinese rat.  On each side of this were two little
+candelabras, formed of the Egyptian ibis, holding the oil cups in its
+beak.  I also found the Hounyman, or monkey god of the Hindoos, and
+Budhist figures.  I once observed some sepoys playing and laughing at a
+bronze image they had picked up at the pagoda of Syriam, and on
+examining it, I was surprised to find that it was a figure of the
+Egyptian Isis, with her hand raised, and her person in the position
+described as the correct one when blessing the world.  The art of
+embalming appears to be known to the Burmahs, and is occasionally
+practised by the priests.  At the capture of the old Portuguese fort at
+Syriam, I found, not far from it, a sort of canopied shed, decorated
+with carving, cut paper, and tinsel, and supported by four pillars, like
+a bedstead.  Below lay the body of a priest, embalmed and gilt.  I
+intended to have brought this home, but before I arrived there, I found
+one of my marines, a graceless dog without religion or any other good
+quality, very busy hammering the mummy to pieces with the butt end of
+his musket.  I was very angry, and ordered him to desist.  In excuse, he
+replied that it was an abominable molten image, and it was his duty, as
+a _good Christian_, to destroy it--the only evidence of Christianity
+ever witnessed on that fellow's part.  On examination, I found that the
+body had been wrapped in sundry clothes, and, like the ark of Noah,
+pitched within and without: over the clothes was a coat of damma, then
+of chunam, and lastly it was gilt; the head of the mummy was fictitious,
+and formed of a cocoa-nut, the real skull being where, in the mummy,
+would have appeared to have been the breast of the body.  It did not
+smell much, but there were a great many small scarabei inside, and it
+was so mutilated that I did not remove it.  The Burmahs are cleanly in
+their houses, which generally are raised from the ground a few feet, so
+as to allow the pigs; which are the scavengers of the town, to walk
+under.  They have houses of brick, or stone and mortar, such as the
+custom-house at Rangoon, and one or two others; but the most substantial
+houses are usually built of thick teak plank.  The smaller houses and
+cottages are built of bamboo, the floors and walls being woven like
+wicker-work: the cleanliness and the beauty of these houses when new are
+very remarkable, and what is still more so, the rapidity with which they
+are built.  I have known an officer order a house to be built of three
+rooms, with doors and windows to each, and of a comfortable size, and
+three or four Burmahs will complete this house in a day, and thatch the
+roof over.  In another point, the Burmahs show a degree of civilisation,
+which might be an example to the northern Athens--to every house there
+is a very neat and clean cloaca.
+
+The government, like all in Asia, is most despotic; and the people have
+the faults which are certain to be generated by despotism--but not to
+that degree which might be expected.  They have their hereditary
+nobility, and the orders of it are very clearly defined.  They consist
+of gold chains, worn round the neck, with four plates or chased bosses
+dividing them; the lowest order wears the bosses linked together by
+three chains, the next highest in degree with six, the next nine, and
+the last and highest order has twelve; the king only wears twenty-four
+chains.  The use of gold and silver, as drinking cups, etcetera, is only
+permitted to the nobility.  They are very clever in chasing of metals,
+and they have a description of work in glass and enamel, quite their
+own, with which they decorate the temples, houses of the priests, and
+coffers containing the sacred volumes.  Their ornamental writings in the
+Pali language, a variety of the Sanscrit, known only to the priests, are
+also very beautiful--especially that upon long leaves of ivory.  Upon
+the whole, their manufactures are superior to all around them, except
+perhaps the Chinese.
+
+The women are small, and delicately formed, in proportion to the men;
+they are not shut up, but go where they please; their dress is becoming;
+they braid the hair with flowers, and they are much fairer than would be
+supposed.  Those who keep much within doors are nearly as white as
+Europeans.  They have a singular custom of putting a patch of white
+chunam on the cheek bone, something in opposition to the black patches
+which used formerly to be worn by our belles; and it is intended to show
+how near they approach to white.  Indeed, when the men of the lower
+class, who are exposed all day to the sun, remove their garments, it is
+singular to witness how many shades lighter they are in that part of
+their bodies which is covered up.  Usually, the men have but one wife,
+but occasionally there are supernumeraries.
+
+The laws of the Burmahs appear to be good, but, as in all despotic
+countries, they are not acted upon, unless it please the ruler.  Slavery
+of a certain species is allowed.  Should one man be in debt to another,
+and is summoned before the chief; if he states his inability to pay, he
+is asked how many children he has, and according to the debt, so are his
+children given in bond slavery to his debtor, who writes off a certain
+sum every year until they are free.  If he has no children, his wife, or
+himself perhaps, will be bonded in the same manner.  But in this case,
+where ill-treatment can be proved, the bondage will be removed; and
+further, any person so bonded, may at his or her wish remove to the
+service of another master, provided they can find one who will pay to
+the debtor the amount still due, and thus finish the time of servitude
+under one whom they like better.  These bonds are all in writing, and
+must be produced.  Some of our military officers released several of the
+young women from their slavery.
+
+_Sitting down_ in your presence, is, among the Burmese, a mark of
+respect.  Every poor man who is sent for, immediately drops down on his
+hams in the corner of the room, or at the portal.  The use of the cocoa,
+or betel nut, is universal among the men, but not so common with the
+women until they grow old.  The consequence is, that the teeth of the
+men are quite black and decayed, while those of the young women are very
+good.
+
+The most remarkable feature in the character of the Burmahs is their
+_good temper_; I think they are the most even-tempered race, ever met
+with.  They are always gay, always content under any privation.  I had,
+as will be seen hereafter, more opportunities of seeing into the
+character of this people than others had, for we mixed with them in
+amity for some weeks.  They are very fond of marionettes, and puppet
+playing, and are very amusing mimics.  They work very hard, and with the
+greatest cheerfulness.  They have a high respect for the English, or the
+white faces, as they call us; and the superiority of our warlike
+instruments, and our ships, _was_ a subject of wonder, and, at the same
+time, of most careful examination.  They perceive how far they are
+behind us, and are most anxious to improve.  From this reason, joined to
+others, it was a pity that we ever made war with the Burmahs; they had
+made an easy conquest of those around them, and were satisfied with
+their supposed superiority, but now they are not, for they are active
+and enterprising, fond of war, and will not be content until they have
+improved their system.  Twenty years hence we shall find the Burmahs a
+much more formidable nation than they are at present, for they have
+every quality necessary to become the first nation in the East: indeed,
+when we consider with what weapons they defended themselves, and the
+nature of the warfare, it is not a little to their credit that they held
+out for nearly three years against the power of Great Britain.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE.
+
+                                                         February, 1836.
+The Burmahs are decidedly a brave nation: the government being despotic,
+their rulers are cruel, but the people are not.  I state this, as
+cowardice and cruelty usually go hand in hand.  Good temper and
+generosity are the prominent features in their character--excellent
+materials to work upon in judicious hands.  I witnessed acts of courage
+at the early part of the war, before the Burmahs found out how
+impossible it was to cope with our superior arms, which were most
+surprising, and which excited our admiration.  They are peculiarly a
+warlike nation; indeed, they are fond of war.  Every man is a soldier,
+and when ordered out to join the ranks, obeys without receiving any pay,
+providing his own arms.  This fact, at once, establishes that they are
+inclined to war.  Their aims generally consist of a double-handed sword,
+a weapon of great force, and very large spears; but every one will
+possess a musket if he can, and if it has not a lock, he will fire it
+with a match.  It is in this point that the Burmahs are so deficient in
+aims: we used to consider it a very courageous act to venture to fire
+off a Burmese musket, they were in such a wretched condition: and to
+crown all, every man _makes his own gunpowder_.  Now it may be easily
+imagined what stuff this must be; as, previous to an expected combat,
+each Burmah sits down and composes the article to the best of his
+knowledge and belief.  The consequences are, that when these muskets do
+go off (and it is ten to one they do not), it is again ten to one that
+the bullet falls short, from the inefficacy of the powder.  There is
+another singular fact, and one which proves that they have been used to
+muskets but a short time: it is, that they have no bullet-moulds or
+leaden bullets.  All their bullets are of iron, hammered as round as
+they can hammer them at the forge; of course the windage produced by
+this imperfect shape, occasions it to deviate much from its intended
+direction.
+
+The guns on their stockades and war-boats are equally defective from bad
+powder, and the hammered iron bullets.  It is difficult to know where
+they could have collected such a curious assemblage.  Sometimes you will
+fall in with a small brass piece of exquisite Spanish manufacture, at
+others you will find them of the strangest forms that can be conceived.
+I rather think they were purchased, or taken as a part of the duties on
+vessels trading to Rangoon.  I recollect once at the first taking of a
+stockade, we knocked off the trunnions of an old iron gun, and left it
+there as useless.  The Burmahs reoccupied the stockade, and we had to
+take it a second time, when we found that they had most ingeniously
+supplied the want of trunnions with iron hoops and rivets, and the gun
+was fired at us before we entered.  At another time, we entered a
+stockade which had kept up a brisk fire for a few minutes, and to our
+surprise found that they had made _wooden_ guns, very well bound and
+braced with iron hoops.  Of course these guns would not fire more than
+two or three shots each, as the touch-holes became inflamed, and were
+soon so large as to render the guns unserviceable; but I mention these
+points, to prove the perseverance of these people, and the efforts they
+made in their own defence.  After the first campaign it is true that
+they deserted, and the levies were made by force; but the reason of
+this, for I inquired into it, was not that they had any objection to
+fight, but that, fighting without pay, they wanted to go home and put
+the seed into the ground, as otherwise their wives and families would
+starve.
+
+The Burmah war-boats are very splendid craft, pulling from eighty to one
+hundred oars; the Burmahs manage them very dexterously, and will pull
+them from seven to eight miles an hour.  They have a war-boat dedicated
+to the Deity, which brought intelligence that saved the nation at the
+time of the war with the empire of Pegu, in a space of time so short, as
+almost to appear incredible.
+
+As I before observed, the gun mounted on the boat's bow is of little
+effect, but their spears are really formidable.  At a night attack upon
+some of our vessels, anchored off a stockade which they wanted to
+regain, I had an evidence of the force with which they are thrown.  The
+sides of the vessels were covered with them, sticking out like
+porcupine's quills, and they had entered the plank with such force, that
+it required a very strong arm to pull them out again.  We lost some men
+by them; the effect of a hundred spears hurtling through the air at the
+same time was singularly appalling to our men, who were not accustomed
+the sound, especially during the night.  I heard several of the sailors
+observe afterwards that they "did not like that at all," and I am sure
+they would have infinitely preferred to have been met with fire-arms.
+Some of these spears were sixteen feet long, with an iron head, sharp at
+both sides, weighing from twelve to fourteen pounds.  I have seen bows
+and arrows in the possession of the Burmahs, but never have observed
+that they used them in their conflicts with us.  They appeared to
+despise them.  The system of warfare and defence pursued by these
+people, is undoubtedly excellent for the peculiarities of the country.
+Their stockades are usually built of any thick teak timber, or rather
+squared trees, which are much too strong to be penetrated by any other
+than battering cannon, and, in consequence, were invariably carried by
+escalade.  Some of them are built of bamboos, running from a foot to two
+feet in diameter.  These are equally strong, with the peculiarity that
+if you fire cannon at them the bamboos yield, admit the shot, and then
+close again.  If these stockades are not close to the river side, they
+usually have a deep ditch round them, and are further protected by what
+was more serious to us than the escalading, which were abbatis of
+pointed bamboos, stuck in a slanting direction in the ground.  The
+slight wounds made by these bamboos brought on lock-jaw, and too often
+terminated fatally.  In the attacks upon us at Rangoon they made their
+approaches with some degree of military skill, throwing up trenches as
+they advanced.  Their fire-rafts on such a rapid river were also
+formidable.  They have wells of petroleum up the country: their rafts
+were very large, and on them, here and there, were placed old canoes
+filled with this inflammable matter.  When on fire, it blazed as high as
+our maintop, throwing out flames, heat, and stink quite enough to drive
+any one away.
+
+I have mentioned their mode of warfare and their deficiencies, to prove
+that if the Burmahs had been as well provided with every species of arms
+equal to our own, the country would not have been so soon subjugated as
+it was.  Their system of defence was good, their bravery was undoubted,
+but they had no effective weapons.  I strongly suspect that they will,
+now that they have been taught their inferiority, use every means to
+obtain them; and if so, they will really become a formidable nation.  As
+one proof of their courage, I will mention, that at every stockade there
+is a look-out man, perched on a sort of pole, about ten feet or more
+clear of the upper part of the stockade, in a situation completely
+exposed.  I have often observed these men, and it was not till the
+cannonade had fairly commenced on both sides, that they came down, and
+when they did, it was without hurry; indeed, I may say, in a most
+leisurely and indifferent manner.  Of their invulnerables and their
+antics I have already spoken.
+
+In countries governed despotically, life is not so much valued as it is
+in others.  The very knowledge that it may be taken in a moment at the
+will of the rulers, renders even the cowardly comparatively indifferent.
+Having been accustomed from our earliest years to anticipate an event,
+when it actually arrives we meet it with composure and indifference.
+The lad in England who is brought up to thieving, and who is continually
+reminded by his parents, that he _must be hung_ before he is twenty goes
+to the gallows when his turn comes with much _sang froid_.  So it is in
+a despotic country, where the people witness the heads of their
+companions roll on the ground, and surmise how soon their own turn will
+come.  I had more than one evidence of this during my stay.  In one
+instance I wished to obtain information from a prisoner, but could
+extract none.  He had been sitting between the carronades on deck for
+twenty-four hours, and some of the men or officers had given him a bowl
+of grog and a couple of cigars, with which he was busy when I
+interrogated him.  As he professed ignorance, I told him that if he
+would not give me the desired information, I should take his head off;
+and I sent for the serjeant of marines, who appeared with two of his
+party, and with his drawn sword.  We called him out from between the
+guns, but he begged through the interpreter to be allowed to finish his
+grog, to which I consented: when that was done, he was again ordered
+out, but requested leave to finish about an inch of cigar which remained
+in his mouth.  To which I also acceded, not being in a particular hurry
+to do that which I never intended to do.  During all this the man was
+perfectly composed, and did not show the least alarm at his approaching
+fate.  As soon as the cigar was finished, he bound his long hair up
+afresh, and made preparation.  I again asked him if he would tell, but
+he pleaded ignorance, and stepped forward, went down on his knees and
+took off the cloth from about his loins, which he spread on the deck to
+receive his head, and then putting his hands on the deck, held it in the
+position to be cut off.  Not a muscle trembled, for I watched the man
+carefully.  He was, of course, remanded, and the sailors were so pleased
+with him, that he went on shore with more grog and more tobacco than he
+had probably ever seen in his life.
+
+The Burmahs have, however, a means of extracting information from spies,
+etcetera, which I never saw practised by them, although it was borrowed
+from them by us.  It was in our own quarter-master-general's office that
+I witnessed this species of torture, so simple in its operation, and
+apparently so dreadful in its effects.  It consists in giving one single
+blow upon the region of the heart, so as to stop for some seconds the
+whole circulation.  The way by which this is effected is as follows:--
+the man--the Burmahs are generally naked to the waist--is made to sit
+down on the floor; another man stands behind him, and leaning over him,
+takes a very exact aim with his sharp bent elbow at the precise spot
+over his heart, and then strikes a blow which, from its being propelled
+so very mechanically, descends with increased force.
+
+The effect appears dreadful; the dark hue of the sufferer's face turns
+to a deadly white; the perspiration bursts out from his forehead, and he
+trembles in every limb.  I never witnessed such apparent agony.  These
+blows repeated three or four times, will unman the most resolute, and
+they will call for death as a favour.
+
+There is one point which must not be overlooked by the Indian
+government, and which, connected with what I have already mentioned,
+makes the Burmese nation more formidable; it is, the great contempt they
+have for the sepoys.  And what is equally true, the fears which the
+sepoys have of them.  The Burmahs are only afraid of the white faces, as
+I shall very soon establish.  They despise the sepoys, although they are
+so well armed.  Now, that the sepoys are good troops, there can be no
+doubt; they have proved it often; but, at the same time, they are not,
+as some of the Indian officers have asserted in my presence, the best
+troops in the world, and preferable to Europeans.  That they are much
+easier to control, and that they excel in discipline, I grant, because
+they are never intoxicated; but they have, in the first place, very
+little stamina, and are, generally speaking, a small and very
+effeminately built race.  Still they have fought well--very well; but
+they never fought well against the Burmahs; and for this simple
+reason,--that superstition is more powerful than courage, and subdues
+it.  The sepoys are very superstitious, and had the idea, which was
+never eradicated, that the Burmahs were _charmed men_, and they never
+went out against them willingly, even when they were headed by the
+English troops.  As for the Burmahs' contempt of them, it was notorious.
+I have myself seen one of the Burmah prisoners at Rangoon lift up a
+piece of timber that six of the sepoys could hardly have moved, and
+throw it down, so as to make it roll at the feet of the sepoy guard who
+watched him, making them all retreat several paces, and then laugh at
+them in derision.  But we had many more decisive proofs.  The Burmahs
+had stockaded themselves about seven miles from Rangoon, and it was
+determined to dislodge them.  Colonel S--, who was very partial to the
+native troops, was ordered on this service, and he requested
+particularly that he might have no troops but the sepoys.  Sir A
+Campbell did not much like to consent, but, as the stockades were not
+higher than breastworks, and the Burmahs not in very great force, he
+eventually yielded to the Colonel's arguments.  Fifteen hundred sepoys
+were ordered out, and the Colonel went on his expedition.  The Burmahs
+had good intelligence that there were no European troops, and when the
+sepoys arrived, they did not wait to be attacked, but attacked the
+sepoys, and put them completely to the rout.  One half of the sepoys
+were said to be killed; the others came back to Rangoon in parties of
+ten or twelve, and in the utmost consternation and confusion.  Sir A
+Campbell was, of course, much annoyed, and the next day a European force
+was despatched against the Burmahs.  On their arrival they witnessed a
+dreadful and disgusting scene.  A long avenue had been cut in the wood,
+and on each side of it were hung by the heels, at equal distances,
+shockingly mutilated, the naked bodies of the seven hundred and fifty
+sepoys killed.  The Burmahs did not, however, attempt to resist the
+European force, but after a few shots made their retreat.  Now, this is
+a very important fact: and it is a fact which cannot be denied, although
+it has not been made known.  In India there is a nominal force of three
+hundred thousand men; but they are scattered over such a vast extent of
+territory, that, allowing they could be made disposable, which they
+could not, it would require many months before they could be collected,
+and if the Burmahs despise the sepoys, and the sepoys dread the Burmahs,
+the only check against the latter will be the European troops; and of
+them how many can be called out.  Not ten thousand, at the very utmost;
+and the difficulty of collecting them was well known at the commencement
+of the Burmah war.  There certainly is a great difference between
+attacking others in their own territories, and defending ourselves; but
+if the Burmahs could hold out against us, as they did, for nearly three
+years, without arms to cope with us, what might be the consequence if
+they were supplied with arms and officers by any other nation?  We have
+now a footing in the country, and it must be our object to prevent the
+ingress of any other, and to keep the Burmahs as quiet and as peaceable
+as we can.  But our very intercourse will enlighten them by degrees, and
+we have more to dread from that quarter than from all the hordes of
+Russia or Runjeet Sing, and the whole disaffection of India.
+
+As I have more to say relative to the Burmahs, I will, in my next
+chapter, enter into a short narrative of the expedition to Bassein.  It
+was a bloodless one, although very important in its results: and
+circumstances occurred in it which will throw much light upon the
+character of the nation.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY SIX.
+
+It was not until many months after the war had been carried on, that Sir
+Archibald Campbell found himself in a position to penetrate into the
+heart of the Burmah territory, and attempt the capital.  He wanted
+almost every thing, and among the rest reinforcements of men; for the
+rainy season had swept them off by thousands.  At last, when determined
+to make the attempt, he did it with a most inadequate force; so small
+that, had the Burmahs thought of even trenching up and barricading the
+roads at every half mile, he must have been compelled, without firing a
+shot, to have retreated.  Fortunately, he had an accession of
+men-of-war, and his river detachment was stronger than he could have
+hoped for.  I do not pretend to state the total force which was embarked
+on the river or that which proceeded by hand, communicating with each
+other when circumstances permitted, as the major part of the provisions
+of the army were, I believe, carried up by water.  The united river
+force was commanded by Brigadier Cotton, Captain Alexander, and Captain
+Chads; the land forces, of course, by Sir A Campbell, who had excellent
+officers with him, but whose tactics were of no use in this warfare of
+morass, mud, and jungle.
+
+It will be proper to explain why it was considered necessary to detach a
+part of the forces to Bassein.  The Rangoon river joins the Irrawaddy on
+the left, about one hundred and seventy miles from its flowing into the
+ocean.  On the right of the Irrawaddy is the river of Bassein, the mouth
+of it about one hundred and fifty miles from that of the Irrawaddy, and
+running up the country in an angle towards it until it joins it about
+four hundred miles up in the interior.  The two rivers thus enclose a
+large delta of land, which is the most fertile and best peopled of the
+Burmah provinces, and it was from this delta that Bundoola, the Burmah
+general, received all his supplies of men.  Bundoola was in the strong
+fortress of Donabue, on the Bassein side of the river, about half way
+between where the Rangoon river joined it on the left, and the Bassein
+river communicated with it a long way farther up on the right.  Sir A
+Campbell's land forces were on the left of the river, so that Bundoola's
+communication with the Bassein territory was quite open; and as the
+river forces had to attack Donabue on their way up, the force sent to
+Bassein, was to take him in the rear and cut off his supplies.  This was
+a most judicious plan of the General's, as will be proved in the sequel.
+Major S--, with four or five hundred men in three transports, the
+Larne, and the Mercury, Hon.  Company's brig, were ordered upon this
+expedition, which sailed at the same time that the army began to march
+and the boats to ascend the river.
+
+On the arrival at the mouth of the river we found the entrance most
+formidable in appearance, there being a dozen or more stockades of great
+extent; but there were but two manned, the guns of the others, as well
+as the men, having been forwarded to Donabue, the Burmahs not imagining,
+as we had so long left that part of their territory unmolested, that we
+should have attempted it.  Our passage was therefore easy; after a few
+broadsides, we landed and spiked the guns, and then, with a fair wind,
+ran about seventy miles up one of the most picturesque and finest rivers
+I was ever in.  Occasionally the right lines of stockades presented
+themselves, but we found nobody in them, and passed by them in peace.
+But the river now became more intricate, and the pilots, as usual, knew
+nothing about it.  It was, however, of little consequence; the river was
+deep even at its banks, over which the forest trees threw their boughs
+in wild luxuriance.  The wind was now down the river, and we were two or
+three days before we arrived at Bassein, during which we tided and
+warped how we could, while Major S-- grumbled.  If the reader wishes to
+know why Major S-- grumbled, I will tell him--because there was no
+fighting.  He grumbled when we passed the stockades at the entrance of
+the river because they were not manned; and he grumbled at every
+dismantled stockade that we passed.  But there was no pleasing S--; if
+he was in hard action and not wounded, he grumbled; if he received a
+slight wound, he grumbled because it was not a severe one; if a severe
+one, he grumbled because he was not able to fight the next day.  He had
+been nearly cut to pieces in many actions, but he was not content.  Like
+the man under punishment, the drummer might strike high or strike low,
+there was no pleasing S--: nothing but the _coup de grace_, if he be now
+alive, will satisfy him.  But notwithstanding this mania for being
+carved, he was an excellent and judicious officer.  I have been told he
+is since dead; if so, his Majesty has lost one of the most devoted and
+chivalric officers in his service, to whom might most justly be applied
+the words of Hotspur,--"But if it be a sin to covet honour, I am the
+most offending soul alive."  [See note 1.]
+
+As I before observed, the branches of the trees hung over the sides of
+the river, and a circumstance occurred which was a source of great
+amusement.  We had a little monkey, who had been some time on board, and
+was a favourite, as usual, of the ship's company.  The baffling winds
+very often threw us against the banks of the river, near which there was
+plenty of water; and when this was the case, the boughs of the trees
+were interlaced with the rigging of the ship.  This unusual embracing
+between nature and art gave Jacko the idea of old times when he
+frolicked in the woods, and unable to resist the force of early
+associations, he stepped from the top-sail yard to the branch of a large
+tree, and when the ship had hauled off clear, we found that Jacko had
+deserted.  We lamented it, and ten minutes afterwards, thinking no more
+about him, we continued our course up the river.  About an hour had
+elapsed, during which we had gained upwards of a mile, when again
+nearing the bank on that side, we heard a loud chattering and screaming.
+"That's Jacko, sir," said one of the men, and others expressed the same
+opinion.  We manned the jolly-boat, and sent it on shore towards the
+place where the noise was heard.  The monkey did not wait till the bow
+of the boat touched the shore, but springing into it when some feet off,
+he took his seat very deliberately on the stern, and was pulled on
+board, where immediately he flew up the side, caressing every one he
+met.  The fact was, that Jacko had found several of his own race in the
+woods, but, like all wild animals, they immediately attacked one who had
+worn the chains of servitude, and Jacko had to fly for his life.  We
+very often interlaced the rigging with the boughs after that, but the
+monkey remained quiet on the booms, and showed not the slightest wish to
+renew his rambles.
+
+I think it was on the third day that we arrived below the town of
+Naputah, which was defended by a very formidable stockade, commanding
+the whole reach of the river.  The stockade was manned, and we expected
+that it would be defended, but as we did not fire, neither did they; and
+we should have passed it quietly, had not S-- grumbled so much at his
+bad luck.  The next day we arrived at Bassein, one of the principal
+towns in the Burman Empire.  Here again the Major was disappointed, for
+it appeared that, on hearing of the arrival of the expedition at the
+entrance of the river, the people had divided into two parties, one for
+resistance, the other for submission.  This difference of opinion had
+ended in their setting fire to the town and immense magazines of grain,
+dismantling the stockades, and the major part of the inhabitants flying
+into the country.  The consequence was, that we took possession of the
+smoking ruins without opposition.
+
+It was soon observed that the people were tired of the protracted war,
+and of the desolation occasioned by it.  They wanted to return to their
+wives and families, who were starving.  But up to this time the chiefs
+had remained faithful to Bundoola, who had amassed stores and provisions
+at Bassein, intending to retreat upon it, should he be driven out of the
+fortress of Donabue; and as long as he held that fortress, receiving
+from Bassein his supplies of men and of provisions.  The Burmahs were so
+unwilling to fight any longer, that they were collected by armed bands,
+and made prisoners by the chiefs, who sent them up as required; and many
+hundreds were still in this way detained, enclosed in stockaded ground,
+and watched by armed men, in several towns along the river.  An
+expedition was first despatched up the river, to its junction with the
+Irrawaddy, as there was a town there in which was the dockyard of the
+Burmahs, all their war boats, and _canoes_ of every description being
+_built_ at that place.  They ascended without difficulty, and, after a
+little skirmishing, took possession of the place, burnt all the boats
+built or building, and then returned to Bassein.
+
+Of course, we had then nothing to do: Major S--'s orders were to join
+Sir A Campbell, if he possibly could; which, with much difficulty, he
+ultimately effected.  We must now return to the Irrawaddy expedition
+sent up at the same time that Sir A Campbell marched by land, and our
+expedition went up the Bassein river.
+
+This force arrived at Donabue before we had gained Bassein.  It found a
+most formidable fortress, or rather, three fortresses in one, mounting a
+great number of guns, and, as I before observed, held by Bundoola, the
+commander of the Burmah forces, in whom the Burmah troops placed the
+greatest confidence.  I speak from hearsay and memory, but I believe I
+am correct when I state that there were not less than ten thousand men
+in Donabue, besides war elephants, etcetera.  Now the river force did
+not amount in fighting men certainly to one thousand, and they were not
+in sufficient strength to attack a place of this description, upon which
+every pains had been taken for a long while to render it impregnable.
+The attack was however made, and the smaller stockade of the three
+carried; but when they had possession of the smallest stockade, they
+discovered that they were at the mercy of the second, and in a sort of
+trap.  The consequence was, defeat--the only defeat experienced by the
+white troops during the whole war.  The troops were re-embarked, and the
+boats were obliged to drop down the river clear of the fire of the fort.
+I believe two hundred and fifty English troops were left dead in the
+stockade, and the next day their bodies, crucified on rafts, were
+floated down among the English boats by the triumphant Bundoola.  In the
+meantime a despatch had been sent to Sir A Campbell, who was in advance
+on the banks of the river; stating that the force afloat was not able to
+cope with the fortress, the real strength of which no one had been aware
+of.  The consequence was, that Sir A Campbell retraced his steps,
+crossed the river, and attacked it in conjunction with the flotilla, Sir
+A Campbell taking it in the rear.  After some hard fighting, in which
+the elephants played their parts, the troops gained possession, and
+Bundoola having been killed by a shell, the Burmahs fled.  Now it was
+very fortunate that the expedition had been sent to Bassein, for
+otherwise the Burmahs would have fallen back upon that place, which held
+all their stores, and would thus have been able to continue in the rear
+of Sir A Campbell, as he advanced up the river.  But they had heard of
+the destruction and capture of Bassein, and consequently directed their
+flight up the river towards the capital.  We were in possession of all
+these circumstances shortly after we had taken possession of Bassein;
+and although the death of Bundoola and taking of Donabue had dispirited
+the Burmahs, yet there were many chiefs who still held out, and who, had
+they crossed with their troops to the Irrawaddy, would have interrupted
+the supplies coming up, and the wounded and sick who were sent down.  We
+had, therefore, still the duty of breaking up these resources if
+possible.  Having ascertained who the parties were, we sent a message to
+one of the weakest to say, that if he did not tender his submission, and
+come in to us, we should attack him, and burn the town to the ground.
+
+The chief thought it advisable to obey our summons, and sent word that
+he would come in on the ensuing day.  He kept his promise: about noon,
+as we were sitting in the verandah of a large _Sammy_ house (a sort of
+monastery), which we had taken possession of, we were informed that he
+had arrived.  The token of submission on the part of the Burmahs is,
+presenting the other party with _wax candles_.  If a poor man has a
+request to make, or favour to ask of a great man, he never makes it
+without laying a small wax candle at his feet.  Neither do they approach
+the Rayhoon and Mayhoon without this mark of respect.
+
+Some time after this, one of the chiefs who had submitted took up his
+quarters at Bassein; and his little daughter, about eight or nine years
+old, was very fond of coming to see me, as I generally made her little
+presents.  She became very much attached to me, but she never appeared
+without a little wax candle, which she dropped at my feet before she
+threw herself into my lap.
+
+In the present instance, the chief first made his appearance, and having
+come within a few feet, sat down as a _mark of respect_.  He was
+followed by six more, who each carried about two pounds of wax candles,
+tastefully arranged in a sort of filigree work of coloured papers.
+After these came about fifty men, carrying large baskets full of
+vegetables and fruit, which they poured out on the floor before us, and
+then walked away and squatted at a distance.  A few words of ceremony
+were then exchanged, and the friendship cemented over a bottle of brandy
+and some wine; which, notwithstanding the use of spirituous liquors is
+against their religion, and forbidden by the government, they did not
+object to.  Before he left I made him a present in return, and he went
+away delighted with the gift.  Several more of the minor chiefs
+afterwards came in, and the same formalities were gone through; but
+there were three of the most important who would not make their
+appearance; one, the chief of Naputah, the town which we had passed,
+which did not fire at us from the stockades, and two others down at
+another large arm of the river, who had many men detained for the
+service of the army if required, and who were still at open defiance.
+All these three were gold chatta chiefs, that is, permitted to have a
+gold umbrella carried over their heads when they appeared in public.
+
+After waiting a certain time for these people to send in their
+submission, we sent word down to the chief of Naputah, that we should
+visit him the next day, threatening him with the consequences of not
+complying with our request.  Accordingly we weighed in the Larne, and
+dropped down the river till we were abreast of the town and stockade,
+which was about thirty miles distant from Bassein.  Our broadside was
+ready; but as we were about to fire, we perceived that boats were
+manning, and in about five minutes the chief of Naputah, in his own
+war-boat, accompanied by about twelve others, and a great many canoes,
+pulled off from the shore and came alongside.  He made his submission,
+with the usual accompaniments, and we were soon very good friends.  We
+gave him a beautiful little brass gun, which ornamented our poop, and he
+went away very well pleased.  We here had an opportunity of witnessing
+the dexterity with which they handle their boats.  They really appeared
+to be alive, they darted through the water with such rapidity.  Many of
+the Burmahs remained on board, examining every part of the vessel and
+her equipment; and soon they were on the best of terms with the seamen
+and the few troops which I had on board to assist us, for we were very
+short manned.  We had gained intelligence that there were some guns sunk
+in a creek, about three miles from Bassein, and we had despatched a boat
+to look for them, having the assurance of a chief who was at Bassein
+that the people were peaceable and well-disposed.  By some mistake, the
+boat went up the wrong creek, and pulled many miles into the country,
+without finding the spot pointed out by marks given.  At night they were
+at the mercy of the Burmahs, who came to them to know what they
+required.  The Burmahs told them that they had mistaken the creek, but
+were very kind to them, giving them a good supper, and passing the night
+among them, playing their marionettes.  The next day they showed them
+their way, and when they came to the guns, the Burmahs dived, and made
+ropes fast, and brought them up for them, sending a message that they
+would come and see the _Great Water-dog_ (meaning me) the next day.
+
+We remained two days at anchor, off the town of Naputah, waiting for
+this boat, as it was our intention to go down the river, and attack the
+two other gold chatta chiefs, if they did not send in their submission.
+On the second day the chief came on board to ask us if we would attend a
+Nautch which he gave that evening in compliment to us; but requested
+that we would not bring all our people, as it would frighten his own.
+Although it was not pleasant to trust ourselves on shore in the night,
+in the midst of so large a force, yet, anxious to make friends with him,
+we thought it advisable to accept the invitation in the manner he
+desired.  I replied, "that I would only bring on shore a few officers,
+and my usual attendants of six marines without arms."  At eight o'clock
+some of the officers and I went on shore: it was quite dark, but we
+found the chief at the landing-place ready to receive us.  The marines
+had their bayonets, and the officers had pistols concealed in case of
+treachery, and the first lieutenant kept a good look out, with the
+broadside of the ship all ready at the first flash of a pistol, but
+these precautions were unnecessary; the chief took me by the hand and
+led me up to his house, in front of which had been erected a sort of
+covered circus, brilliantly lighted up with oil in cocoa-nut shells, and
+round which were squatted several hundred Burmahs.  He took us all to
+the raised verandah of the house, which was fitted up for the ceremony,
+where we found his wife, and all his attendants, but not his daughter,
+who was said to be very handsome.  As soon as we had taken our seats the
+Nautch commenced.  About twenty men struck up a very barbarous kind of
+music, in which the bells and drums made the most noise.  After a few
+minutes of discordant sound, the play began.  The actors were in a sort
+of costume, and appeared quite at home in their parts.  The story
+consisted in the attempts of a young prince to obtain the hand of a
+young princess; and the dialogue was constantly interrupted by an actor
+who appeared to be a looker-on, but who made his remarks upon what
+passed, so as to excite bursts of laughter from the audience.  He was
+the Jack Pudding, or wit of the piece, and several of his jokes were not
+very delicate.  At all events, he was the Liston of the company, for he
+never spoke nor moved without creating a laugh.  The play ended very
+curiously; after the prince had gained the princess, they had a
+procession, in which they made an imitation of a ship, out of compliment
+to us; and then built a little house on the stage with singular
+rapidity, to the door of which they conducted the youthful couple,
+closed it, and then the play was over.  In the meantime _pickled tea_
+(which is a great compliment and excessively nasty) was handed round to
+us, and we all partook of it, taking it out with our fingers; but we
+could not swallow it, so it remained like a quid of tobacco in our
+cheeks until we had an opportunity of getting rid of it.
+
+The purser had had the foresight to put a couple of bottles of wine, and
+one of brandy, in the pockets of the marines, which were now produced,
+while the band continued to play, and wrestling was introduced.  We
+asked the chief to join us, but he refused; he handed down a sort of
+picture, in which was represented the white elephant, pagodas, etcetera,
+and told us that he was not only the war chief, but the head of the
+religion at Naputah, and that it would not be right that he should be
+seen by his people transgressing the laws.  In the meantime his
+daughter, who did not come out to us, was very anxious to know what sort
+of people we were, and she sent for one to be brought in to her.  My
+clerk was the favoured party.  She examined him very closely, pulled his
+dress about, made him bare his legs, to see how white they were, and
+then dismissed him.  The clerk reported her as very handsome, and quite
+as white as he was; splendidly dressed; and with an air of command,
+which showed that she was aware of her importance.
+
+We staid about two hours longer, and then we rose to go away.  The chief
+walked with us down to the boats, and we were not sorry to find
+ourselves on board again; for the population was much more numerous than
+we had imagined, and had any treachery been attempted, we must have
+fallen a sacrifice.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN.
+
+EXPEDITION TO BASSEIN CONTINUED.
+
+                                                              May, 1836.
+Although on friendly terms with the chief of Naputah, he was a person of
+such weight in that part of the country, that it was advisable, if
+possible, to identify him with us, so that he should never again fall
+off, and oppose us, in the contingency of a reverse, on the Irrawaddy.
+The next day we sent for him, informing him that it was to make him a
+present in return for his civility the day before.  But before we handed
+the present to him, we stated our intention of dropping down the river
+to reduce the two gold chatta chiefs who still held out; and that, as we
+did not exactly know where their towns were situated, we wished for some
+of his people to go with me.  To this first proposition, after some
+hesitation, he consented.  We then pointed out that our men were not
+accustomed to work in the sun, and were often ill; that, as we were now
+friends, we wished him to allow me some of his boats to assist the ship
+in the river.  To this also he consented.  In fine, we brought forward
+our last proposition, which was, that he should supply us with six or
+eight war-boats, well manned, and that we would pay the men and officers
+at the same rate per day as we paid our own men; stating the sum we
+would give, and that, if he was really sincere in his friendship and
+goodwill, we expected not to be refused.  Now, among the Burmahs who
+were with him, there were many whose relations were detained to join the
+army; a consultation ensued; the chief was pressed by his own people,
+and, at last, gave his consent.  We then presented him with the piece of
+plate, upon which his eyes had constantly been turned, and he went away,
+promising us that the men and boats should be alongside by daylight the
+next morning.
+
+This chief adhered to his promise, and we weighed anchor the next day,
+and made sail down with the war-boats, and three or four
+despatch-canoes, pulled by four or five men.  These little canoes, when
+put to their speed, dashed through the water at such a rate, that they
+threw off from each bow one continued little fan-shaped _jet-d'eau_,
+which had a very beautiful appearance, the sunbeams forming them into
+rainbows.  As for our Burmah force, they were at one time pulling
+against the vessel sailing; at others, hanging on, and the people
+climbing about the rigging, and ascending the masthead of the vessel;
+but they soon all congregated to the stand of muskets, for that was the
+great object of attraction.  In the afternoon we had ball practice with
+the small arms; and the Burmahs were, much to their delight, permitted
+to fire.  It is surprising how exact they were in their aims,
+considering the little practice they must have had.  Bad as all the
+muskets are which are served out to the ships of war, I really believe
+that there was not a Burmah who would not have laid down every thing he
+possessed, except his life, to have obtained one.  One of them, when he
+was permitted to take a musket, looked proudly round, and said, with a
+smile of joy, "Now I'm a man!"
+
+The next day we arrived at the branch of the river where one of the
+chiefs held out.  At daylight our own boats were manned, and with the
+Burmah boats ranged in line, made an imposing appearance, which was very
+necessary, for at that time we were so short-handed, that we could not
+send away more than forty men--a force so small, that, had the Burmahs
+opposed to us seen it advance, they would probably have tried their
+strength with us.  As it was, we pulled into the stockaded town in a
+line, the despatch-boats flying across us backwards and forwards like
+porpoises before the bows of a ship running down the trades: not that
+they had any messages to carry, but merely to show their own dexterity.
+When we had advanced to within a quarter of a mile, a boat came out and
+communicated with one of the despatch-boats, saying that the Burmahs
+would not fight if we did not attack them, and that they would deliver
+up the men detained, and their chief as a prisoner.  We agreed to these
+terms, landed, took possession of the chief with his gold chatta,
+correspondence with Bundoolah, etcetera, and took him on board.  On this
+occasion, we would not trust the Burmahs employed with muskets; it was
+too soon; they had only their own swords and spears.
+
+The chief was a fine tall man with a long beard.  Like all Burmahs, he
+took his loss of liberty very composedly, sitting down between the guns
+with his attendants, and only expressing his indignation at the
+treachery of his own people.  We were very anxious to know what had
+become of the guns of the dismantled stockade, which were said to be in
+his possession, but he positively denied it, saying that they had been
+despatched in boats across to the Irrawaddy.  Whether this were true or
+not, it was impossible to say; but, at all events, it was necessary to
+make some further attempts to obtain them, so we told him, that if he
+did not inform us where the guns were, by the next morning his head
+would be taken off his shoulders.  At this pleasant intelligence he
+opened his betel-bag and renewed his quid.  The next day he was summoned
+forth to account for the said guns, and again protested that they had
+been sent to Donabue, which I really believe was false, as they were not
+taken out of the stockade until after Donabue was in the possession of
+Sir A.  Campbell: it was therefore judged proper to appear to proceed to
+extremities; and this time it was done with more form.  A file of
+marines was marched aft with their muskets, and the sergeant appeared
+with his drawn sword.  Sand was strewed on the deck in front of the
+marines; and he was led there and ordered to kneel down, so that his
+head, if cut off, would fall where the sand was strewn.  He was again
+asked if he would tell where the guns were concealed, and again stated
+that they were at Donabue; upon which he was desired to prepare for
+death.  He called one of his attendants and gave him his silver
+betel-box, saying, "Take this to my wife,--when she sees it she will
+know all."  I watched him very closely; his countenance was composed,
+but, as he bent forward over the sand, the muscles of his arms and
+shoulders quivered.  However, as it is not the custom to cut off
+people's heads on the quarter-deck of his Majesty's ships, we very
+magnanimously reprieved him, and he was afterwards sent a prisoner to
+Calcutta.  But that he had the guns, we discovered afterwards, which
+adds to his merit.
+
+Having succeeded in this attempt, we made sail for the stockade of the
+other chief, and arrived there that evening.  As he was supposed to be
+greater in force than the other, we decided upon an attack in the dark,
+when he would not be able to distinguish of what our force was composed;
+and this time we gave muskets to our Burmah comrades.  The attack was
+successful, we obtained possession, and the chief fled, but our Burmahs
+pursued him nearly two miles, made him prisoner, and brought him aboard.
+As he immediately tendered his submission, which the other would not
+do, he was released the next day.
+
+We had done all our work, and having employed the Burmahs for a few days
+more in destroying the stockades at the entrance of the river, they were
+paid and discharged from his Majesty's service.  They would not,
+however, quit us; but, so long as we remained in the river they
+continued to hang on to the ship, and discovered three guns which had
+been sunk, which they weighed and brought on board.
+
+I have entered into this short narrative, as it will give some idea of
+the character of these people.  The government is despotic, cruel, and
+treacherous, but the people are neither cruel nor treacherous: on the
+contrary, I think they would make most excellent and faithful soldiers;
+and it is singular to find, surrounded by natives who have not the
+slightest energy of mind or body, a people so active, so laborious, and
+so enterprising as the Burmahs.  The English seamen are particularly
+partial to them, and declared they were "the best set of chaps they had
+ever fallen in with."  They admitted the Burmahs to their messes, and
+were sworn friends.  I forgot to say, that when the chiefs sent in their
+submissions, at first, among other presents, they sent _slaves_, usually
+females, which was rather awkward.  But not wishing to affront them, I
+begged that the slaves sent might be children, and not grown up, as we
+had no accommodation for them.  The consequence was, that I had quite a
+young family when I left the river, which I distributed at Rangoon and
+the presidencies on my return.  For if they were only bond-slaves, which
+I suppose they were, it was a kindness to have them educated and taken
+care _of_.  We lost one little fellow, that was a great favourite with
+the men; he was about three years old, and could speak English.  He had
+been christened by the sailors Billy Bamboo, and was quite as amusing as
+the monkey.  The poor little fellow died very suddenly, and was much
+regretted by all on board.
+
+I certainly do think that we may eventually find the Burmahs to be the
+most powerful enemy that we shall have to contend with in India; and, at
+the same time, I cannot help giving my opinion as to the ridiculous fear
+we entertain of the Russians ever interfering with us in that quarter.
+That the extension of the Russian empire has been a favourite object
+through many of her dynasties, is true: but it is so no longer: they
+have discovered that already their empire is too extensive; and hardly a
+year passes but they have outbreaks and insurrections to quell in
+quarters so remote that they are scarcely heard of here.  That Russia
+might _possibly_ lead an army through our Indian possessions, I admit;
+but that she never could hold them if she did do so, is equally certain;
+the conquest would be useless to her, after having been obtained at an
+enormous sacrifice.  The fact is, the Russians (with the exception of
+the Emperor Paul) never had any intention of the kind, and _never will
+attempt it_: but they have discovered how very alive we are to the
+possibility, and how very jealous and anxious we are on the subject, and
+it is possible that they have made demonstrations in that direction to
+alarm us; but I think myself, that the great object of Russia in these
+advances has been to force a channel for trade, which in her present
+situation she is to the south of her extensive empire nearly deprived
+of.  Notwithstanding the outcry which has so often been raised against
+the Russian empire, it has always appeared to me that _our natural ally_
+is Russia; as for an alliance with France it is morally impossible that
+two rival nations like us can continue very long at peace; our interests
+are separate and conflicting, and our jealousy but sleeps for the
+moment.  We have been at peace with France many years, and have not yet
+succeeded in making a satisfactory commercial treaty with her; neither
+will any of the other Continental powers permit our manufactures to
+enter, with the exception of Russia, who not only takes them, but
+returns to us what is most valuable for our marine.
+
+Why, then, this outcry against the ambition of Russia? nothing but
+tirades against _Russian_ ambition.  Does France show no ambition?  Does
+America show no ambition?  Have we no ambition ourselves?  Why this
+constant suspicion and doubt against a power whose interest it is to be
+closely allied to us, and who can always prove a valuable aid in case of
+emergency?--simply because Russia wishes to have an opening to the Black
+Sea.  And this is very natural; her northern ports are closed nine
+months in the year, and therefore her navy and mercantile marine are
+almost useless.  She has no outlet, no means of raising either.  Does
+she, then, ask too much?  Is a great empire like Russia to be blocked
+up, her commerce and navy crippled, for the want of an outlet?  She does
+require the opening of the Black Sea; it is all that she requires.  She
+never will remain quiet until she obtains it; and obtain it sooner or
+later she certainly will; and in my opinion she is perfectly justified
+in her attempts.  What would be the consequence if she succeeded?--that,
+if we were wise enough to continue on terms of amity with Russia, who
+has invariably extended the hand of friendship to us, and has I believe
+never failed in her treaties, we should have a balance of power to us
+very important.  Whose navies shall we in future have to contend
+against?--those of France and America; for it is certain that whenever
+we go to war with France, America will back her, and their navies will
+be united.  At present, the navy of America is not very large, but it
+can soon be made so; and we should not be sorry to have the navy of
+Russia on our side, to balance against the two which will always be
+opposed to us.  It is, therefore, our interest to _assist_ Russia in the
+object she has in view, and to keep up a firm alliance with her.  It is
+the interest of France to excite jealousies between Russia and this
+country; and her emissaries have been but too successful, at the very
+time that France has, contrary to all treaty, and exclaiming against
+_Russian_ ambition, seized upon Algiers, and is now playing her game, so
+as if possible to command the whole of the Mediterranean.  The very
+strides which France has made in that quarter should point out to us the
+propriety of opening the Black Sea for Russia, so as to restore the
+balance of power in that future site of contention.  I repeat that we
+are blind in every way to our own interests, in not uniting ourselves
+firmly by an alliance, offensive and defensive, with Russia; and that by
+so doing, we should be the greatest gainers; for with France we must
+never expect more than a _hollow truce_, concealing for the time her
+jealousy and thirst for revenge,--a truce during which her secret
+efforts to undermine us, will be still carried on as indefatigably as
+ever, and which must only be considered as a mere feint to recover her
+breath, before she again renews her frenzied efforts to humiliate
+England, and obtain universal dominion.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT.
+
+London, June, 1837.
+
+To one who has visited foreign climes, how very substantial everything
+appears in England, from the child's plaything to the Duke of York's
+column!  To use a joiners phrase, everything abroad is comparatively
+scamp-work.  Talk about the Palais Royale, the Rue Richelieu, and the
+splendour of the Parisian shops--why, two hundred yards of
+Regent-street, commencing from Howell and James's, would buy the whole
+of them, and leave a balance sufficient to buy the remainder of the
+French _expositions_.  But still, if more substantial and massive, we
+are at the same time also heavy.  We want more space, more air, more
+room to breathe, in London; we are too closely packed; we want gardens
+with trees to absorb the mephitic air, for what our lungs reject is
+suitable to vegetation.  But we cannot have all we want in this world,
+so we must do without them.
+
+What wealth is now pouring into the country! and, thank God, it is now
+somewhat better expended than it was in the bubble mania, which acted
+upon the plethora certainly, but bled us too freely and uselessly.  The
+rail-road speculators have taken off many millions, and the money is
+well employed; for even allowing that, in some instances, the
+expectations of the parties who speculate may be disappointed, still it
+is spent in the country; and not only is it affording employment and
+sustenance to thousands, but the staple produce of England only is
+consumed.  In these speculations--in the millions required and
+immediately produced, you can witness the superiority of England.
+Undertakings from which foreign governments would shrink with dismay are
+here effected by the meeting of a few individuals.
+
+And now for my commissions.  What a list!  And the first item is--two
+Canary birds, the last having been one fine morning found dead: nobody
+knows how; there was plenty of seed and water (put in after the servant
+found that they had been starved by his neglect), which, of course,
+proved that they did not die for want of food.  I hate what are called
+pets; they are a great nuisance, for they will die, and then such a
+lamentation over them!  In the "Fire Worshippers" Moore makes his Hinda
+say--
+
+  "I never nursed a dear gazelle,
+  To glad me with its soft black eye,
+  But when it came to know me well
+  And love me--it was sure to die."
+
+Now Hinda was perfectly correct, except in thinking that she was
+peculiarly unfortunate.  Every one who keeps pets might tell the same
+tale as Hinda.  I recollect once a Canary bird died, and my young people
+were in a great tribulation; so to amuse them we made them a paper
+coffin, put the defunct therein, and sewed on the lid, dug a grave in
+the garden, and dressing them out in any remnants of black we could find
+for weepers, made a procession to the grave where it was buried.  This
+little divertissement quite took their fancy.  The next day one of the
+youngest came up to me and said, "Oh, papa, when will you die?"--A
+strange question, thought I, quite forgetting the procession of the day
+before.--"Why do you ask, my dear?"--"Oh, because it will be such fun
+burying you."--"Much obliged to you, my love."
+
+There is much more intellect in birds than people suppose.  An instance
+of that occurred the other day, at a slate quarry belonging to a friend,
+from whom I have the narrative.  A thrush, not aware of the expansive
+properties of gunpowder, thought proper to build her nest on a ridge of
+the quarry, in the very centre of which they were constantly blasting
+the rock.  At first she was very much discomposed by the fragments
+flying in all directions, but still she would not, quit her chosen
+locality; she soon observed that a bell rang whenever a train was about
+to be fired, and that, at the notice, the workmen retired to safe
+positions.  In a few days, when she heard the bell, she quitted her
+exposed situation, and flew down to where the workmen sheltered
+themselves, dropping close to their feet.  There she would remain until
+the explosion had taken place, and then return to her nest.  The
+workmen, observing this, narrated it to their employers, and it was also
+told to visitors who came to view the quarry.
+
+The visitors naturally expressed a wish to witness so curious a specimen
+of intellect; but, as the rock could not always be ready to be blasted
+when visitors came, the bell was rung instead, and, for a few times,
+answered the same purpose.  The thrush flew down close to where they
+stood; but she perceived that she was trifled with, and it interfered
+with her process of incubation: the consequence was, that afterwards,
+when the bell was rung, she would peep over the ledge to ascertain if
+the workmen did retreat, and if they did not, she would remain where she
+was, probably saying to herself, "No, no, gentlemen; I'm not to be
+roused off my eggs merely for your amusement."
+
+Some birds have a great deal of humour in them, particularly the raven.
+One that belonged to me was the most mischievous and amusing creature I
+ever met with.  He would get into the flower-garden, go to the beds
+where the gardener had sowed a great variety of seeds, with sticks put
+in the ground with labels, and then he would amuse himself with pulling
+up every stick, and laying them in heaps of ten or twelve on the path.
+This used to irritate the old gardener very much, who would drive him
+away.  The raven knew that he ought not to do it, or he would not have
+done it.  He would soon return to his mischief, and when the gardener
+again chased him (the old man could not walk very fast), the raven would
+keep just clear of the rake or hoc in his hand, dancing back before him,
+and singing as plain as a man could, "Tol de rol de rol; tol de rol de
+rol!" with all kinds of mimicking gestures.  The bird is alive now, and
+continues the same meritorious practice whenever he can find an
+opportunity.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY NINE.
+
+                                     June, Steam-boat Princess Victoria.
+It certainly appears that the motion of a steam-vessel produces more
+nausea than that of a sailing-vessel; and people appear to suffer in
+some degree in proportion to the power of the engines.  This may be
+accounted for by the vibration of the vessel increasing in the same
+ratio.
+
+We are now in a vessel of two hundred and fifty horse power, and the
+consequence is that the passengers are as sick as two hundred and fifty
+horses.  The effect of the vibration of the after part of the vessel
+amounts to the ridiculous.
+
+When dinner was put on the table, we had no occasion for a bell to
+announce it, for every glass on the table was dancing to its own
+jingling music.  And when the covers were taken off, it was still more
+absurd--everything in the dishes appeared to be infected with Saint
+Vitus's dance.  The boiled leg of mutton shook its collops of fat at a
+couple of fowls which figured in a sarabande round and round their own
+dish,--roast beef shifted about with a slow and stately movement--a ham
+_glisseed croisee_ from one side to the other--tongues wagged that were
+never meant to wag again--bottles reeled and fell over like drunken men,
+and your piece of bread constantly ran away and was to be pulled back
+into its proper place.  It was a regular jig-a-jig--a country-dance of
+pousette, down the middle, and right and left.
+
+The communication of motion was strange; the whole company seated on
+long forms were jig-a-jigging up and down together--your knife jigged
+and your fork jigged--even the morsel which was put into your mouth gave
+one more jump before it could be seized.  However, we jigged it to some
+purpose; for, in eighteen hours and a half, we passed from London to
+Antwerp.
+
+The English are naturally great _voyageurs_: the feeling is inherent
+from our insular position.  I have been reflecting whether I can
+recollect, in my whole life, ever to have been three months in one
+place, but I cannot, nor do I believe that I ever was--not even when
+sent to school; for I used to run away every quarter, just to see how my
+family were--an amiable weakness, which even flogging could not
+eradicate.  And then I was off to sea; there I had my wish, as
+Shakespeare says, borne away by "the viewless winds, and blown with
+restless violence about the pendent world," north, south, east, and
+west; one month freezing, the next burning; all nations, all colours,--
+white, copper, brown, and black; all scenery, from the blasted pine
+towering amidst the frost and snow, to the cocoa-nut waving its leaves
+to the sea-breeze.  Well, "homekeeping youths have homely wits," says
+the same author; and he has told more truth than any man who ever wrote.
+I certainly did hear of one young man who did not gain much by
+travelling; he was a banker's clerk, and obtained three months' vacation
+to go on the Continent.  He landed at Ostend, and the next day found
+himself in the track-schuyt that is towed by horses, from Bruges to
+Ghent.  The cabins were magnificent, velvet and gold the down cushions
+luxurious, the dinner and breakfast sumptuous, the wine excellent, the
+bed-rooms comfortable, and the expense moderate.  Moreover, the motion
+was imperceptible.  What could a man wish more?  He arrived at Ghent,
+and could not make his mind up to quit this barge; so he returned in her
+to Bruges, and then back again to Ghent; and thus he continued between
+the two towns, backwards and forwards, until the three months' leave had
+expired, and he was obliged to return to the desk.  I have never yet
+made up my mind whether this personage was a wise man or a fool.
+
+But, until the opening of the Continent, the English were only
+voyageurs, not travellers; and that, after having been so long debarred,
+they should be desirous of visiting the various portions of Europe, is
+not only natural but praiseworthy; but that they should make the
+Continent their residence--should expatriate themselves altogether, is,
+to me, a source of astonishment as well as of regret.
+
+The excuse offered is the cheapness.  It is but an excuse, for I deny it
+to be the fact: I have visited most places, with and without a family;
+and I will positively assert, not for the benefit of others who have
+already expatriated themselves, but as a check to those who feel so
+inclined, that they will discover too soon that, at less expense, they
+can command more good living and substantial comforts in England, than
+in any part of the Continent they may fix upon as their habitation.
+
+Let us enter a little into the subject.  First, as to the capitals,
+Paris, Brussels, etcetera.
+
+Let it first be remembered that we have no longer war prices in England,
+that almost every article has fallen from thirty-five to fifty per cent.
+It is true that some tradespeople who are established as fashionable
+keep up their prices; but it is not absolutely necessary to employ them,
+as there are those equally skilled who are more moderate.  But even the
+most fashionable have been obliged, to a certain degree, to lower their
+prices; and their present prices, reduced as they are, will most
+assuredly die with them.
+
+Everything will, by degrees, find its level; but this level is not to be
+found at once.  Should peace continue, ten years from this date will
+make a great alteration in every article, not only of necessity, but of
+luxury; and then, after having been the dearest, England will become the
+cheapest residence in the world.  House rent in the capitals abroad is
+certainly as dear, if not dearer than it is in England.  There are
+situations more or less fashionable in every metropolis; and if you wish
+to reside in those quarters, you pay accordingly.  It is true that, by
+taking a portion of a house, you to a certain degree indemnify
+yourself;--a first, second, or third story, with a common staircase
+loaded with dirt and filth; but is this equal to the comfort of a clean
+English house, in which you have your own servants, and are not
+overlooked by your neighbours?  If they were to let out houses in floors
+in England as they do in Paris and elsewhere, a less sum would be
+demanded.  You may procure a handsome house in a fashionable quarter,
+well furnished, in London, for 300 pounds per annum.  Go to the Place
+Vendome, or those quarters styled the English quarters, at Paris, and
+which are by no means the most fashionable quarters, and you will pay
+for a handsome front floor 700 francs per month; so that for one floor
+of a house in Paris you will pay 336 pounds per annum, when in London
+you will obtain the whole house for 300 pounds.  The proprietor of the
+Paris house, therefore, receives much more by letting his floors
+separate than the English do.  The common articles of necessity are as
+dear, if not dearer abroad; the _octroi_ duty upon all that enters the
+barriers raising the price excessively.  Meat at Paris or Brussels is as
+dear as in London, and not so good; it is as dear, because they charge
+you the same price all round, about 5 pence per pound, independent of
+its inferiority and the villainous manner in which it is cut up.  Our
+butchers only butcher the animal, but foreign butchers butcher the meat.
+Poultry is as dear; game much dearer; and so is fish.  Indeed, fish is
+not only dear, but scarce and bad.  Horses and carriages are quite as
+dear abroad, in the capitals, as in London.  Clothes are in some
+respects cheaper, in others dearer, especially articles of English
+manufacture, which are more sought after than any others.
+
+Amusements are said to be cheaper; but, admitting that, the places of
+amusement are oftener resorted to, and in consequence as much money is
+spent abroad as in England.  It is true that there are an immense number
+of theatres in Paris, and that most of them are very reasonable in their
+charges for admission; but be it recollected that there are not above
+three of them which are considered fashionable, if even respectable; and
+there the prices are sufficiently high.  If people went to Sadler's
+Wells, the Coburg, Victoria, Queen's Theatre, Astley's, and other minor
+theatres in London, as they do to the Theatres Saint Martin, Gymnase, et
+Varietes at Paris, they would find no great difference in the prices.
+
+What then is there cheaper?  Wine.  I grant it; and, it is also
+asserted, the education of children.  We will pass over these two last
+points for the present, and examine whether living is cheaper on the
+Continent, provided you do _not_ hive in any of the capitals.
+
+That at Tours and other places in the south of France, at Genoa, at
+Bruges, in Belgium, you may live cheaper than in London, I grant; but if
+any one means to assert that you can live cheaper than in the country in
+England, I deny it altogether.  People go abroad, and select the
+cheapest parts of the Continent to live in.  If they were to do the same
+in England, they would find that they could live much cheaper and much
+better; for instance, in Devonshire, Cornwall, and Wales, and, indeed,
+in almost every county in England.
+
+The fact is, it is not the cheapness of the living which induces so many
+people to reside abroad.  There are many reasons; and as I wish to be
+charitable, I will put forward the most favourable ones.
+
+In England, we are money-making people, and we have the aristocracy of
+wealth as well _as_ the aristocracy of rank.  It has long been the
+custom for many people to live beyond their incomes, and to keep up an
+appearance which their means have not warranted.  Many, especially the
+landed proprietors, finding their rentals reduced from various causes,
+have been necessitated to retrench.  They were too proud to put down
+their carriages and establishments before the eyes of those who had
+perhaps looked upon them with envy, and whose derision or exultation
+they anticipated.  They therefore have retired to the Continent, where a
+carriage is not necessary to prove that you are a gentleman.  Should
+those return who have emigrated for the above reasons, they would find
+that this striving for show is hardly perceptible now in England.  Those
+who have remained have either had sense enough, or have been forced by
+circumstances, to reduce their expenditure.
+
+Another cause is the easy introduction into what is called good society
+abroad on the Continent, but which is in reality very bad society.
+Certainly there are a sufficient number of Counts, Viscounts, and
+Marquesses to associate with; but in France high birth is not proved by
+titles, which are of little or no value, and do not even establish
+gentility.  This society may certainly be entered into at a much less
+expense than that of England, especially in the metropolis; but, depend
+upon it, there is a species of society dear at any price.
+
+With respect to education of children, that boys may receive advantage
+from a Continental education I admit; but woe be to the mother who
+intrusts her daughter to the ruin of a French _Pension_!
+
+In England there are many excellent schools in the country, as cheap and
+cheaper than on the Continent: but the schoolmasters near London,
+generally speaking, are ruining them by their adherence to the old
+system, and their extravagant terms.  The _system_ of education on the
+Continent is certainly superior to that of England, and the attention to
+the pupils is greater: of course there are bad schools abroad as well as
+in England; but the balance is much in favour of those on the Continent,
+with the advantage of being at nearly one-half the expense.  A great
+alteration has taken place in modern education; the living languages and
+mathematics have been found to be preferable to the classics and other
+instruction still adhered to in the English schools.
+
+I have always considered, and have every reason to be confirmed in my
+opinion, that the foundation of all education is mathematics.  Every
+thing else may be obtained by rote, and without thinking; but from the
+elements of arithmetic up to Euclid and algebra, no boy can work his
+task without thinking.  I never yet knew a man who was a good
+mathematician who was not well-informed upon almost every point; and the
+reason is clear--mathematics have prepared his mind to receive and
+retain.  In all foreign schools this important branch of education is
+more attended to than it is in England; and that alone would be a
+sufficient reason for me to give them the preference.  In point of
+morals, I consider the schools of both countries much upon a par;
+although, from the system abroad of never debasing a child by corporal
+punishment, I give the foreign schools the preference even in that
+point.
+
+I consider, then, that boys are better educated abroad than in England,
+and acquire much more correctly the living languages, which are of more
+use to them than the classics.  So much I can say in favour of the
+Continent; but in every other respect I consider the advantage in favour
+of England.  Young women who have been brought up abroad I consider,
+generally speaking, as unfitted for English wives; and that in this
+opinion I am not singular, I know well from conversation with young men
+at the clubs and elsewhere.  Mothers who have returned with their
+daughters full of French fashions and ideas, and who imagine that they
+will inevitably succeed in making good matches, would be a little
+mortified and surprised to hear the young men, when canvassing among
+themselves the merits of the other sex, declare that "such a young lady
+may be very handsome and very clever, but she has received a
+_Continental education_, and that won't do for them."  Many mothers
+imagine, because their daughters, who are bold and free in their
+manners, and talk and laugh loud, are surrounded by young men, while the
+modest girl, who holds aloof, is apparently neglected, that their
+daughters are more admired; but this is a great mistake.  Men like that
+boldness, that coquetry, that dash, if I may use the term, because it
+amuses for the time being; but although they may pay attention to women
+on that account, marrying them is quite another affair.  No: the modest
+retiring girl, who is apparently passed by, becomes the wife; the others
+are flattered before their faces, and laughed at behind their backs.  It
+certainly is unmanly, on the part of our sex, to behave in this manner,
+to encourage young women in their follies, and ruin them for their own
+amusement; as Shakespeare says:--
+
+  "Shame to him whose cruel striking
+  Kills for faults of his own liking."
+
+But so it is, and so it will be so long as the world lasts, and mankind
+is no better than it is at present.
+
+If then, as I have asserted, there is so little to be gained by leaving
+a comfortable home, what is the inducement which takes so many people
+abroad to settle there?  I am afraid that the true reason has been given
+by the author whom I now quote.  Speaking of the French metropolis, she
+says--
+
+"I have been lately trying to investigate the nature of the charm which
+renders Paris so favourite a sojourn of the English.
+
+"In point of gaiety (for gaiety read dissipation) it affords nothing
+comparable with that of London.  A few ministerial fetes every winter
+may perhaps exceed in brilliancy the balls given in our common routine
+of things; but for one entertainment in Paris at least thirty take place
+_chez nous_.  Society is established with us on a wider and more
+splendid scale.  The weekly _soirees_, on the other hand, which properly
+represent the society of this place, are dull, meagre, and formal to the
+last degree of formality.  There is no brilliant point of reunion as at
+Almack's,--no theatre uniting, like our Italian Opera, the charm of the
+best company, the best music, and the best dancing.  Of the thousand and
+one theatres boasted of by the Parisians, only three are of a nature to
+be frequented by people of consideration, the remainder being as much
+out of the question as the Pavilion or the Garrick.  Dinner parties
+there are none; water parties none; _dejeuners_, unless given by a
+foreign ambassadress, none.  A thousand accessories to London amusements
+are here wanting.  In the month of May, I am told, the public gardens
+and the Bois de Boulogne become enchanting.  But what is not charming in
+the month of May?  Paris, perhaps, least of all places; for at the
+commencement of the month every French family of note quits the
+metropolis for its country seat, or for sea or mineral bathing.
+Foreigners and the mercantile and ministerial classes alone remain.
+What, then, I would fain discover, constitutes the peculiar merit of
+inducing persons uninstigated by motives of economy to fix themselves in
+the comfortless and filthy city, and call it Paradise?  Alas! my
+solution of the problem is far from honourable to the taste of our
+absentees.  _In Paris people are far less amenable than in London to the
+tribunal of public opinion_; or, as a lady once very candidly said to
+me, `One gets rid of one's friends and relations.'"
+
+Indeed, there are so many petty annoyances and vexatious of life
+attendant upon residents abroad, that it must require some strong
+motives to induce them to remain.  Wherever the English settle they
+raise the price of everything, much to the annoyance of the _rentiers_
+and respectable people of the place, although of advantage to the
+country generally.  The really highbred and aristocratic people will not
+associate with the English, and look upon them with any feeling but good
+will.  With regard to servants, they are invariably badly served,
+although they pay two or three times the wages that are paid by the
+inhabitants, who, in most places, have made it a rule never to take a
+domestic that has once lived in an English family; the consequence is
+that those engaged by the English are of the worst description, a sort
+of _pariahs_ among the community, who extort and cheat their employers
+without mercy.  If not permitted so to do, they leave them at a minutes
+warning; and you cannot go to any foreign colony of English people
+without listening to very justified tirades of the villany of the
+servants.  Upon the same principle, there are few places abroad where
+the tradespeople have not two prices; one for the English, and the other
+for the inhabitants.
+
+I was in company with an English lady of title, who gave me a very
+amusing instance of the insolence of the Belgian servants.  She had a
+large family to bring up on a limited income, and had taken up her abode
+at Brussels.  It should be observed that the Belgians treat their
+servants like dogs, and yet it is only with the Belgians that they will
+behave well.  This lady, finding her expenses very much exceeding her
+means, so soon as she had been some time in the country, attempted a
+reformation.  Inquiring of some Belgian families with whom she was
+acquainted what were the just proportions allowed by them to their
+servants, she attempted by degrees to introduce the same system.  The
+first article of wasteful expenditure was bread, and she put them upon
+an allowance.  The morning after she was awoke with a loud hammering in
+the saloon below, the reason of which she could not comprehend; but on
+going down to breakfast she found one of the long loaves made in the
+country nailed up with tenpenny nails over the mantelpiece.  She sent to
+inquire who had done it, and one of the servants immediately replied
+that she had nailed it there that my lady might see that the bread did
+not go too fast.
+
+There is another point on which the English abroad have long complained,
+and with great justice,--which is, that in every litigation or petty
+dispute which may appear before a smaller or more important tribunal,
+from the Juge de Paix to the Cour de Cassation, the verdict invariably
+is given against them.  I never _heard_ an instance to the contrary,
+although there may have been some.  In no case can an Englishman obtain
+justice; the detention of his property without just cause, all that he
+considers as law and justice in his own country, is overruled: he is
+obliged to submit to the greatest insults, or consent to the greatest
+imposition.  This is peculiarly, observable at Paris and Brussels, and
+it is almost a _jour de fete_ to a large portion of the inhabitants when
+they hear that an Englishman has been thrown into prison.  It must,
+however, be acknowledged that most of this arises not only from the wish
+of the rentiers, or those who live upon their means (who have these
+means crippled by the concourse of English raising the price of every
+article), that the English should leave and return to their own country;
+but also from the number of bad characters who, finding their position
+in society no longer tenable in England, hasten abroad, and, by their
+conduct, leave a most unfavourable impression of the English character,
+which, when Englishmen _only travelled_, stood high, but, now they
+reside to economise, is at its lowest ebb; for the only charm which the
+English had in the eyes of needy foreigners was their lavishing their
+money as they passed through the country, enriching a portion of the
+community without increasing the prices of consumption to the whole.
+
+As a proof of the insolence to which the English are subjected, I will
+give the reader a verbatim copy of a letter sent to me by a friend not
+more than a year ago.  I have heard of such a circumstance taking place
+in France, but then the innkeeper was a Chevalier of the Legion of
+Honour; but this case is even more remarkable.  Depend upon it, those
+who travel will find many a Monsieur Disch before they are at the end of
+their journey.  I will vouch for the veracity of every word in the
+letter:--
+
+                                                "Wisbaden, July 3, 1836.
+"My Dear --, As you kindly said that you would be glad to hear of our
+progress when any opportunity offered of writing you a letter, I now
+avail myself of some friends passing through Brussels to let you know
+that thus far we have proceeded in health and safety; but whether we
+shall complete our project of wintering in Italy seems more and more
+doubtful, as I believe the cholera to be doing its work pretty actively
+in some of the states we propose to visit; and a gentleman told me
+yesterday, who has lately left the country, that the Pope is so glad of
+an excuse to keep heretics out of his dominions, that he has never taken
+off the quarantine: so that, under any circumstances, we must vegetate
+in some frontier hole for a fortnight before we can be admitted; a
+circumstance in itself sufficiently deterring, in my opinion.  Besides
+which, what with the perplexity of the coinage, and the constant attempt
+at pillage which we have already met with, and which, I am told, is
+quadrupled on the other side of the Alps, such a counterbalance exists
+to any of the enjoyments of travelling, that I am heartily weary of the
+continual skirmishing and _warfare_ I am subjected to;--warfare indeed,
+as at Cologne I was _called out_.  The story is too good to be lost, so
+I will tell it for your amusement and that of our friends at Brussels;
+moreover that you may caution every one against Mons.  Disch, of the
+Cour Imperiale:--We had _marchandeed_ with Madame Disch for rooms, who
+at last agreed to _our_ terms; but when the bill came, she changed her
+_own_.  We remonstrated, and the bill was altered; but Mons.  Disch made
+his appearance before I could pay it, insisting on the larger sum,
+saying his wife had no business to make a bargain for him.  I
+remonstrated in vain, and Mrs -- commenced most eloquently to state the
+case: he was, however, deaf to reason, argument, eloquence, and beauty.
+At last I said, `Do not waste words the matter, I will pay the fellow
+and have done with him, taking care that neither I nor my friends will
+ever come to his house again,' at the same time snatching the bill from
+his hand when he demanded, in a great fury, what I meant by that;
+exclaiming, `I am Germans gentlemans,--you English gentlemans, I
+challenge you--I challenge you.'  Although somewhat wroth before this.
+I was so amused that I laughed in the rascal's face, which doubled his
+rage, and he reiterated his mortal defiance; adding,--`I was in London
+last year; they charge me twelve--fourteen shillings for my dinner at
+coffee-house, but I too much gentlemans to ask them take off one
+farding.  I challenge you--I challenge you.'  I then said, `Hold your
+tongue, sir; take your money and be off.'  `Me take money!' replied he;
+`me take money!  No, my servant take money; I too much gentlemans to
+take money.'  Upon which the waiter swept the cash off the table, handed
+it to his master, who immediately sacked it and walked off."
+
+I certainly have myself come to the conclusion that the idea of going
+abroad for economy is most erroneous.  As I have before observed, the
+only article, except education, which is cheaper, is wine; and I am
+afraid, considering the thirsty propensities of my countrymen, that is a
+very strong attraction with the nobler sex.  If claret and all other
+French wines were admitted into England at a much lower duty, they would
+be almost as cheap in England as they are in foreign capitals; and, as
+the increased consumption would more than indemnify the government, it
+is to be lamented that it is not so arranged.--Formerly we shut out the
+French wines, and admitted those of Portugal, as our ancient ally; but
+our ancient ally has shown any thing but good-will towards us lately,
+and we are at all events under no further obligation to support her
+interests.  Let us admit French wines in bottles at a very low duty, and
+then England will be in every respect as cheap, and infinitely more
+comfortable as a residence than any part of the Continent.  The
+absentees who are worth reclaiming will return; those who prefer to
+remain on the Continent are much better there than if they were
+contaminating their countrymen with their presence.  How true is the
+following observation from the author I before quoted on her return from
+abroad:--
+
+"Home, home at last.  How clean, how cheerful, how comfortable!  I was
+shown at Marthien the shabby, dirty-looking lodgings where the -- are
+economising, in penance for the pleasure of one little year spent in
+this charming house!  Poor people!  How they must long for England! how
+they must miss the thousand trivial but essential conveniences devised
+here for the civilisation of human life!  What an air of decency and
+respectfulness about the servants! what a feeling of homeishness in a
+house exclusively our own!  The modes of life may be easier on the
+Continent,--but it is the ease of a beggar's ragged coat which has
+served twenty masters, and is twitched off and on till it scarcely holds
+together, in comparison with the decent, close-fitting suit
+characteristic of a gentleman."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY.
+
+                                                               Brussels.
+Authors, like doctors, are very apt to disagree.  Reading, the other
+day, a very amusing publication, called the "Diary of a Desennuyee,"
+some passages in it induced me to fall back upon Henry Bulwer's work on
+France.  Among his remarks upon literary influence in that country, he
+has the following:--
+
+"A literary Frenchman, whom I met not long ago in Paris, said to me that
+a good-natured young English nobleman, whom I will not name, had told
+him that dancers and singers were perfectly well received in English
+society, but not men of letters.
+
+"`Est il possible qu'on soit si barbare chez vous?'"
+
+He subsequently adds:--"To be known as a writer is certainly to your
+prejudice.
+
+"First, people presume you are not what they call a gentleman; and the
+grandfather who, if you were a banker or a butcher, or of any other
+calling or profession, would be left quiet in his tomb, is evoked
+against you."
+
+Mr Bulwer then proceeds with a variety of argument to prove that
+literary men are not _Maecenased_ by either the government or
+aristocracy of Great Britain.  He points out the advantages which the
+French literati have from their Institute, the ennoblements, the
+decorations, and pensions which they receive; and certainly makes out a
+strong case.
+
+The author of the "Diary" would attempt to deny the statements of Mr
+Bulwer; but, in the very denial, she admits all his points but one--to
+wit that they are not so well received by the aristocracy in England as
+they are in France.
+
+She says--
+
+"What does Henry Bulwer mean by the assertion that literary men are more
+eagerly welcomed in society here than in England?
+
+"They occupy, perhaps, a more independent and honourable position, are
+less exposed to being lionised by patronising dowagers, and more sure of
+obtaining public preferment; but, with the exception of Mignet and
+Merimee--who are courted for their personal merits and official standing
+rather than for their literary distinctions--I have scarcely met one of
+them.  To the parties of the ministers of the _Grand Referendaire_, and
+other public functionaries, artists and men of letters are admitted as
+part of a political system; but they are not to be found--like Moore,
+Rogers, Chantrey, Newton, and others--in the boudoirs of the _elite_, or
+the select fetes of a Devonshire House.
+
+"The calling of `_un homme de lettres_' is here, however, a profession
+bearing its own rewards and profits, and forming an especial and
+independent class.  In common with the artists they look to ennoblement
+in the Academy, and under the existing order of things have been richly
+endowed with places and pensions."
+
+It appears then, in France, that to the parties of ministers, etcetera,
+they are admitted as a part of the political system; and further, that
+they have been festered by the government, by being ennobled and richly
+endowed with places and pensions.  Therefore, upon his opponent's own
+showing, Henry Bulwer has made out his case.  In another part of the
+same work there is the following amusing passage, in advice given by a
+lady of fashion to her protegee upon entering into London society.
+
+"`Pore over their books as much as you please, but do not so much as dip
+into the authors,' said she, when I proposed an introduction to one of
+the most popular authors of the day.  `These people expend their spirit
+on their works--the part that walks through society is a mere lump of
+clay, like the refuse of the wine-press after the wine has been
+expressed.'  In conversing with a clever author you sometimes see a new
+idea brighten his eye or create a smile round his lip; but for worlds he
+would not give it utterance.  It belongs to his next work, and is
+instantly booked in the ledger of his daily thoughts, value 3 shillings
+6 pence.  The man's mind is his mine; he can't afford to work it gratis,
+or give away the produce."
+
+If we are to draw any inference from this extract, it is, that although
+some noblemen do extend their patronage to literary men, at all events
+the general feeling is against them.  I must say that I never was more
+amused than when I read the above sarcasm.  There is much truth in it,
+and yet it is not true.  In future when I _do_ say good things, as they
+call them, in company, I shall know precise value of my
+expenditure during the dinner or evening party by reckoning up the
+three-and-sixpences.  One thing is clear, that if an author say half a
+dozen good things, he fully pays for his dinner.
+
+In the "Student," Edward Bulwer makes some remarks which range in
+opposition to the author of the above "Diary."  In arguing that most
+authors may be known by their works, he says--
+
+"Authors are the only men we really do know; the rest of mankind die
+with only the surface of their character understood."
+
+It appears, then, that people have no excuse for being disappointed in
+authors; when they meet them in company they have but to read their
+works, and if they like the works they must live the authors.  Before I
+proceed I must be permitted to make a remark here.  An author's opinion
+given as his own will allow the public to have an insight into his
+character and feelings, and the public are justified in forming their
+opinions of an author upon such grounds.  But it too often happens that
+the public will form their opinion of an author from opinions put by him
+into the mouths of the characters drawn in a work of fiction, forgetting
+that in these instances it is not the author who speaks, but the
+individuals which his imagination has conjured up; and that the opinions
+expressed by these creatures of his brain, although perfectly in keeping
+with the character, and necessary to produce that _vraisemblance_ which
+is the great merit of fiction, may be entirely opposed to the real
+sentiments of the author.  The true merit of fiction, and that which is
+essential to its success, is the power of the author at the time that he
+is writing to divest himself, as it were, of himself, and be for the
+time the essence of the character which he is delineating.  It is
+therefore a great injustice to an author to accuse him of being an
+infidel because his infidel character is well portrayed, particularly
+as, if he is equally fortunate in describing a character which is
+perfect, the public do not ever give him the credit for similar
+perfection.  That is quite another affair.  Again, Edward Bulwer says,
+in opposition to the poverty of the _mine_:--
+
+"A man is, I suspect, but of a second-rate order whose genius is not
+immeasurably above his works,--who does not feel within him an
+inexhaustible affluence of thoughts, feelings, and invention, which he
+never will have leisure to embody in print.  He will die and leave only
+a thousandth part of his wealth to posterity, which is his heir."
+
+I like to bring all in juxtaposition.  There is excitement in making
+mischief, and that is the reason why people are so fond of it.  Still,
+the question at issue ought to be fairly decided; and, as in case of
+arbitration, when the disputants cannot agree, a third party is called
+in by mutual consent, I shall venture to take upon myself that office,
+and will fairly argue the point, as there is more dependent upon it
+than, upon the first view, the question may appear to merit.
+
+If we turn back to the last century, in what position shall we find
+authors?--looking up to patrons among the aristocracy, and dedicating
+their works to them in panegyrics, fulsome from their obsequiousness and
+flattery.  At that period the aristocracy and the people were much wider
+apart than they are at present.
+
+Gradually the people have advanced; and, as they have advanced, so have
+the authors thrown off the trammels of servitude, and have attacked the
+vices and follies as well as the privileges of those to whom they once
+bowed the knee.
+
+The advancement of the people, and the lowering of the aristocracy, have
+both been effected through the medium of the press.  The position of
+authors has been much altered.  Formerly we behold such men as Dryden,
+Otway, and many others (giants in their days), humbling themselves for
+bread.  Now we have seldom a dedication, and of those few we have the
+flattery is delicate.  The authors look to the public as their patrons,
+and the aristocracy are considered but as a part and portion of it.
+These remarks equally hold good with respect to the government.  Authors
+are not to be so easily purchased as formerly; they prefer writing in
+conformity with public opinion to writing for government, because they
+are better remunerated.  Now, if it will be recalled to mind that in the
+rapid march of the people, in their assertion of their right to a
+greater share in the government of the country, in the pointing out and
+correcting of abuses, and in the breaking down of all the defences which
+have gradually yielded in so many years, it is the authors and the press
+who have led the van, and that in these continual inroads the
+aristocracy have been the party attacked,--it is no wonder that there
+has arisen, unwittingly perhaps on the part of the aristocracy, a
+feeling against the press and against authors in general.
+
+The press has been, and will probably for a long while continue to be,
+the enemy of the aristocracy; and it is hardly reasonable to expect that
+the aristocracy should admit the enemy within its camp.  For, be it
+observed, whether a man write a political pamphlet or a novel, he has
+still the same opportunity of expressing his sentiments, of flattering
+the public by espousing their opinions; and as a writer of fiction,
+perhaps, his opinions have more effect that as a pamphleteer.  In the
+first instance, you are prepared to expect a political partisan; in the
+latter, you read for amusement, and unconsciously receive the bias.  For
+one who reads a political pamphlet (by-the-by, they are generally only
+read by those who are of the same way of thinking as the author) there
+are hundreds who read through a work of fiction, so that the opinions of
+the latter are much more widely disseminated.  Now, as most works are
+written for profit as well as reputation, they are naturally so worded
+as to insure the good-will of the majority, otherwise they would not
+have so extensive a sale.  The majority being decidedly liberal, every
+work that now appears more or less attacks the higher orders.  When,
+therefore, a gentleman who has been well received in the best society
+ventures upon writing a work, it is quite sufficient to state that he is
+an author (without his book being read) to occasion him to "_lose
+caste_" to a certain degree.  Authors have been the enemies of the
+higher classes.  You have become an author--consequently you have ranked
+yourself with our enemies.  Henry Bulwer, therefore, is right where he
+asserts that "to be known as an author is to your prejudice among the
+higher classes."
+
+Having made these observations to point out that the aristocracy and the
+press are at variance, let us now examine into the merits of authors, as
+mixing in society.  And here I think it will be proved that it is more
+their misfortune than their fault that there should be a prejudice
+against them.  They are overrated before they are seen, and underrated
+afterwards.
+
+You read the works of an author--you are pleased with them, and you wish
+to become acquainted with the man.  You anticipate great pleasure--you
+expect from his lips, in _impromptu_, the same racy remarks, the same
+chain of reasoning, the same life and vigour which have cost him so many
+hours of labour and reflection, or which have been elicited in his
+happiest moods, and this from a person who comes, perhaps, almost a
+total stranger into a large company.  Is this fair or just to him?  Did
+you find any of your other friends, at first meeting, play the fiddle to
+a whole company of strangers?  Are not authors as reserved and shy as
+other people--even more so?  And yet you ask them, as if they were
+mountebanks or jugglers with a certain set of tricks, to amuse the
+company.  The very circumstance of being aware that this is expected of
+him makes the man silent, and his very anxiety to come up to your
+expectations takes away from his power.
+
+The consequence is, that you are disappointed, and so are the company,
+to whom you have announced that "Mr So-and-So" is to meet them.  Had
+you become intimate with this person you would perhaps have found the
+difference, and that he whom you pronounced as so great a failure, would
+have turned out equally amusing.  At the same time there is some truth
+in the remarks of the "Desennuyee" that "some authors will not let out
+their new ideas, because they require them for their books."  But, as
+Bulwer observes, they must be but second-raters, as the majority of
+authors are.
+
+In many instances they are punsters; but punning is not a standard of
+authorship; or, perhaps, there may be other second-rate authors present,
+and if so, they know that they are in the company of literary
+pickpockets.
+
+To prove that this remark of the "Desennuyee" can only apply to
+second-rate authors, let us examine into the conversational powers of
+those who are first-rate.  And here I can only speak of those whom I
+have known--there may be many others.  Where could you find such
+conversationists as Coleridge, Charles Lamb, Sir John Malcolm, and many
+others, who are now gone?  And among those in existence, I have but to
+mention Croker, Theodore Hooke, Professor Wilson, Bulwer, Lockhart, the
+Smiths, and, in the other sex, Lady Blessington, Lady Morgan, Mesdames
+Somerville, Austin, and Jameson.
+
+Now these are all first-rate authors in their various styles; and I can
+challenge any one to bring forward an equal number out of the whole mass
+who are so powerful or delightful in society.  And there is still more
+to be said in favour of authors.  I know many whose conversation is
+superior to their writings; I will not name them as they, perhaps, would
+not consider this to be a compliment but it fully tends to disprove the
+remarks of the "Desennuyee" as to authors of talent reserving their
+thoughts for their hooks, for, on the _contrary_, when in company, they
+generally take the lead.  Still, there is a difference arising from the
+variety of temperament: some, accustomed to mix constantly in society,
+will be indifferent whether they are acquainted with the parties present
+or not; others, more retiring, require to feel at their ease, and it is
+only in small coteries, and among friends, that their real value can be
+appreciated.  Theodore Hooke is a proof of the former, the late Charles
+Lamb was of the latter.  Some shine most when they have no competitors;
+others are only to be brought out when other men of talent are in
+company, and, like the flint and steel, their sparks are only to be
+produced by collision.
+
+If I might be permitted to offer an opinion to the authors themselves,
+it would be, not to mix in general company, but confine themselves to
+their own friends.  They would stand much higher in reputation if they
+adhered to this plan; above all, let them avoid what the author of the
+"Desennuyee" terms those "Skinnerian lion feeds" given by those who have
+no talent to appreciate, and who, to fill their menagerie, will mix you
+up with foreign swindlers, and home-bred ruffians.  This is most
+humiliating and has certainly injured the fraternity.
+
+I have but one more remark to make.  Authors in England have little to
+expect from the Government and the aristocracy.  Pensions and honours
+have been given, but until Sir Robert Peel set a more worthy example,
+they were bestowed for the support of political opinions, not as a
+reward of talent.  That the aristocracy, with but a few exceptions, have
+not fostered talent, is most true; and they are now suffering from their
+want of judgment.  They have shut their doors to authors, and the
+authors have been gradually undermining their power.  To what extent
+this may be carried, it is impossible to say; but one thing is certain,
+that the press is more powerful than either king or lords, and that, if
+the conflict continue, the latter must yield to the influence of the
+former, who will have ample retaliation for the neglect to which they
+have been subjected.
+
+What a superiority there is in England over France, and every other
+nation, in the periodical and daily press, especially in the latter!
+Take up the "Constitutionnel," or "Journal des Debats" at Paris, and
+then look at the broad double sheets of the "Times" and other morning
+papers, with the columns of information and original matter which they
+contain.  Compare the flimsy sheets, bad printing, and general paucity
+of information of the continental daily press, with the clear types,
+rapid steam power called into action, the outlay, enormous expenditure,
+and rapid information obtained by our leading journals from all quarters
+of the globe.  I have looked with astonishment and admiration at the
+working of the "Times" newspaper by its beautiful steam-engine; it is
+one of the most interesting sights that can be beheld.
+
+Nothing but the assistance of steam could, indeed, enable the great
+daily newspapers to accomplish their present task.  When the reader
+calls to mind that the debates in the House are sometimes kept up till
+two or three o'clock in the morning; that the reporters, relieved every
+twenty minutes, have to carry all their communications to the office;
+that all this matter has to be arranged, put in type, and then worked
+off; and that, notwithstanding this, the double sheet of matter is on
+thousands and thousands of tables by nine o'clock the next morning, it
+is really wonderful how it can be accomplished.  Saturday night appears
+to be the only night on which those connected with these immense,
+undertakings can be said to have any repose from year's end to year's
+end.  What a life of toil what an unnatural life must theirs be, who
+thus cater during the hours of darkness for the information and
+amusement of the mass who have slept soundly through the night, and rise
+to be instructed by the labour of their vigils!  It can be effected in
+no other country in the world.  It is another link in the great chain of
+miracles, which proves the greatness of England.
+
+The editors of these papers must have a most onerous task.  It is not
+the writing of the leading article itself, but the obligation to write
+that article every day, whether inclined or not, in sickness or in
+health, in affliction, distress of mind, winter and summer, year after
+year, tied down to one task, remaining in one spot.  It is something
+like the walking a thousand miles in a thousand hours.  I have a
+fellow-feeling for them, for I know how a monthly periodical will wear
+down one's existence.  In itself it appears nothing--the labour is not
+manifest nor is it the labour--it is the continual attention which it
+requires.  Your life becomes as it were the magazine.  One month is no
+sooner corrected and printed than on comes the other.  It is the stone
+of Sisyphus--an endless repetition of toil--a constant weight upon the
+mind--a continual wearing upon the intellect and spirits, demanding all
+the exertion of your faculties, at the same time that you are compelled
+to do the severest drudgery.  To write for a magazine is very well, but
+to edit one is to condemn yourself to slavery.
+
+Magazine writing, as it is generally termed, is the most difficult of
+all writing, and but few succeed in it; the reason of which is obvious--
+it must always be what is termed "up to the mark."
+
+Any one who publishes a work in one, two, or three volumes, may be
+permitted to introduce a dull chapter or two: no one remarks it; indeed,
+these dull chapters allow the mind of the reader to relax for the time,
+and, strange to say, are sometimes favourable to the author.  But in
+magazine-writing these cannot be permitted; the reader requires
+excitement, and whether the article be political or fictitious, there
+requires a condensation of matter, a pithiness of expression (to enable
+you to tell your story in so small a space), which is very difficult to
+obtain.  Even in continuations the same rule must be adhered to, for,
+being read month after month, each separate portion must be considered
+as a whole and independents of the other; it must not therefore flag for
+one minute.  A proof of this was given in that very remarkable
+production in "Blackwood's Magazine," styled "Tom Cringle's Log."  Every
+separate portion was devoured by the public--they waited impatiently for
+the first of the month that they might read the continuation, and every
+one was delighted, oven to its close, because the excitement was so
+powerful.  Some time afterwards the work was published in two volumes,
+and then, what was the consequence?--people complained that it was
+overcharged--that it was too full of excitement--gave no repose.  This
+was true; when collected together it had that fault--a very good one, by
+the by, as well as a very uncommon one; but they did not perceive that
+until it was all published together.  During the time that it came out
+in fragments they were delighted.  Although, in this instance, the
+writing was overcharged, still it proved, from the popularity it
+obtained when it appeared in the magazine, what force and condensation
+of matter is required in writing for periodicals.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY ONE.
+
+I am grave to-day; it is the birth-day of one of my children--a day so
+joyful in youth, in more advanced life so teeming with thought and
+serious reflections.  How happy the child is--and it is its happiness
+which has made me grave.
+
+How changed are our feelings as we advance in life!--Our responsibility
+is increased with each fleeting year.  In youth we live but for
+ourselves--self predominates in every thing.  In mature age, if we have
+fulfilled the conditions of our tenure, we feel that we must live for
+our children.  Fortunately, increase of years weans us from those
+selfish and frivolous expenses which youth requires, and we feel it
+little or no sacrifice to devote to our children the means which,
+before, we considered so important to the gratification of our pride and
+our ambition.  Not that we have lost either our pride or our ambition,
+but they have become centred in other objects dearer to us than
+ourselves--in the race springing up--to whom we shall leave our names
+and worldly possessions when our own career is closed.
+
+Worn out with the pursuit of vanity, we pause at a certain age, and come
+to the conclusion that in this life we require but little else than to
+eat, drink, prepare for a future existence, and to die.
+
+What a miserable being must an old bachelor be!--he vegetates, but he
+cannot be said to exist--he passes his life in one long career of
+selfishness, and dies.  Strange, that children, and the responsibility
+attached to their welfare, should do more to bring a man into the right
+path than any denunciations from holy writ or holy men!  How many who
+might have been lost, have been, it is to be hoped, saved, from the
+feeling that they must leave their children a good name, and must
+provide for their support and advancement in life!  Yes, and how many
+women, after a life so frivolous as to amount to wickedness, have, from
+their attachment to their offspring, settled down into the redeeming
+position of careful, anxious, and serious-minded mothers!
+
+Such reflections will rise upon a birth-day, and many more of chequered
+hopes and fears.  How long will these flowers, now blossoming so fairly,
+be permitted to remain with us?  Will they be mowed down before another
+birth-day, or will they be permitted to live to pass through the ordeal
+of this life of temptation?  How will they combat?  Will they fall and
+disgrace their parents, or will they be a pride and blessing?  Will it
+please Heaven to allow them to be not too much tempted, not overcome by
+sickness, or that they shall be severely chastised?  Those germs of
+virtue now appearing, those tares now growing up with the corn--will the
+fruit bring forth good seed? will the latter be effectually rooted up by
+precept and example?  How much to encourage! and how much to check!
+Virtues in excess are turned to vice--liberality becomes extravagance--
+prudence, avarice--courage, rashness--love, weakness--even religion may
+turn to fanaticism--and superior intellect may, in its daring, mock the
+power which granted it.  Alas! what a responsibility is here.  A man may
+enjoy or suffer when he lives for himself alone; but he is doubly blest
+or doubly cursed when, in his second stage, he is visited through his
+children.  What a blessing is our ignorance of the future!  Fatal,
+indeed, to all happiness in this world would be a foreknowledge of that
+which is to come.  We have but to do our duty and hope for the best,
+acknowledging, however severe may be the dispensation, that whatever is,
+or is to be, is right.
+
+How strange, although we feel in the midst of life we are in death, that
+mortals should presume to reduce it to a nice calculation, and speculate
+upon it!  I can sell my life now to an annuity-office for twenty years'
+purchase or more, and they will share a dividend upon it.  Well, if ever
+I do insure my life, I hope that by _me_ they will lose money, for, like
+every body else in this world, I have a great many things to do before I
+die.  There was but one man I ever heard of who could lie down and die,
+saying, "Now, Lord, let thy servant depart in peace."  I have no warning
+yet, no screw is loose in this complex mechanism; and yet, this very
+day, a chimney-pot may fall on my head, and put an end to all my
+calculations.
+
+It is right that the precarious tenure of our existence should not be
+wholly forgotten, but certainly was never intended that it should be
+borne on the mind, for, if we had ever in our memory that we may die
+this very hour, what a check there would be to all energy, and
+enterprise, and industry.  Who would speculate with the anticipation of
+large returns upon some future day, if he did not calculate upon living
+to receive them?  We should all stop to say _Cui bono_?  If it were not
+that our hopes support us, not only support us in all reasonable, but
+even unreasonable calculations, the world would be at a stand-still.
+No, no! we have our duty to perform towards our God; but we are also
+enjoined to perform our duty towards our neighbour.  The uncertainty of
+life is to be remembered as a check to our worldly passions, but not as
+a drag-chain to our worldly career.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY TWO.
+
+                                                 En route, August, 1837.
+There is a great art in packing property, and in it our profession are
+fortunately adepts.  A midshipman, for instance, contrives to put every
+thing at the bottom of his chest.  No very easy matter to pack up and
+arrange a carriage full of children, two birds, and a spaniel puppy--in
+all, twelve living beings with all their appendages, down to the birds
+and dogs' tails.  As for packing up a dog, that is impossible; the best
+way is to pack it off.  Canary birds travel very well in the carriage
+lamps, in the summer time, when they are not lighted; and I mention this
+as a hint to those who travel with such indispensable appendages;
+independent of their being out of the way, their appearance behind the
+glass is a source of great amusement to those who are standing by where
+you change horses.
+
+Stopped at Saint Frond, and asked what was to be seen.  Nothing here but
+churches and monks.  One of the little girls, three years old, looked
+with avidity at the Virgin Mary, three feet high, in gold brocade.  The
+old verger observing this, led her nearer to it, ascribing her
+admiration probably to piety, when, to his horror, she screamed out,
+"_Quel jolie poupee_!"  Solomon says, "Out of the mouths of babes shall
+ye be taught wisdom."  The old man dropped her hand, and looked as if he
+would have lighted the faggots had she been bound to the stake, as she,
+in his opinion, deserved.
+
+The perseverance of Belgian beggars is most remarkable, and equally
+annoying.  The best way is to take out your purse, and pretend to throw
+something over their heads; they turn back to look for it; and if you
+keep pointing farther off, you distance them.  On the whole, I consider
+that it is much more advisable not to give to beggars, than to relieve
+them.  Begging is demoralising, and should be discountenanced in every
+country.  If children are brought up to whine, cry, and humiliate
+themselves as in Belgium, that feeling of pride and independence in
+early youth, which leads to industry in after life, is destroyed.  And
+yet, the aged and infirm would appear to be proper objects of charity.
+In many cases, of course, they must be; but to prove how you may be
+deceived, I will state a circumstance which occurred to me some years
+ago.
+
+I was driving up the road with a friend.  He was one of the pleasantest
+and most honest men that nature ever moulded.  His death was most
+extraordinary: of a nervous temperament, ill health ended in aberration
+of intellect.  At that time Lord Castlereagh had ended his life of
+over-excitement by suicide; the details in the newspapers were read by
+him, and he fancied that he was Lord Castlereagh.  Acting precisely by
+the accounts recorded in the newspapers, he went through the same forms,
+and actually divided his carotid artery, using his penknife, as had done
+the unfortunate peer.  Peace be with him!  To proceed.  I was driving in
+a gig, a distance of about forty miles from town, on the Northern Road,
+when, at the bottom of a steep hill, we fell in with a group who were
+walking up it.  It consisted of a venerable old man, with his grey locks
+falling down on his shoulders, dressed as a countryman, with a bundle on
+a stick over his shoulders; with him were a young man and woman, both
+heavily burdened, and five children of different sizes.  The appearance
+of the old man was really patriarchal, and there was a placidity in his
+countenance which gave a very favourable impression.  For a short time
+they continued breasting the hill on the pathway: when about one-third
+up, the old man crossed the road to us, as our horse was walking up, and
+taking off his hat, said, "Gentlemen, if not too great a liberty, may I
+ask how far it is to --?" mentioning a town about twelve miles off.  We
+told him, and he replied, "That's a long way for old legs like mine, and
+young legs of tired children."  He then informed us that they had lost
+their employment in the country, and that, with his son and daughter,
+and their children, he had gone to town to procure work, but had been
+unsuccessful, and they were now on their return.  "God's will be done!"
+continued he, after his narrative, "and thankful shall we be to find
+ourselves at our cottages again, although twelve miles is a weary bit of
+road, and I have but a few halfpence left; but that will buy a bit of
+bread for the poor children, and we must do as we can.  Good morning,
+and thank'ye kindly, gentlemen."
+
+Now there was no begging here, certainly, except by implication.  The
+effect, however, of his narrative was to extract a crown out of our
+pockets, which was received with a shower of blessings on our heads.  We
+drove off, observing how difficult it was to know how to select real
+objects of charity, and flattering ourselves that alms in this instance
+were worthily bestowed.  My readers will agree with me, I have no doubt.
+
+It so happened that, about ten days afterwards, I was driving on the
+Dover Road, in the same gig, and in company with the same gentleman,
+when we came to the bottom of Shooters Hill.  Who should we fall in with
+but the very same party, the venerable old man, the young people, and
+the children trudging up the pathway.  The same plan of proceeding was
+observed, for, although we recognised them immediately it appeared that
+they did not recognise us.  We allowed the old fellow to tell his tale,
+as before; it was just the same.  He first took off his hat, and
+inquired the distance to --; and then entered into the same narrative,
+only changing the place of abode, and ending with his few halfpence to
+buy bread for the children.  I let him finish, and then I did not, as
+before, give him a crown, but I gave him a cut across his face with the
+whip, which made him drop his bundle, put his hands up to it; and we
+left him, stamping with pain in the middle of the road, till we were out
+of sight.  A young rogue I can easily pardon, but an old one, on the
+verge of the grave, is a proof of hardened villainy, which admits of no
+extenuation.  After giving him this _cut direct_, we never met again.
+
+To return to Saint Frond.--In the last church we visited we had a scene.
+A woman was in the confessional; the priest, with a white handkerchief
+up to conceal his face, and prevent what he said being overheard,
+attracted the attention of the children, who demanded an explanation.
+Children ask so many questions.  "Do you think she has been very wicked?
+Will he forgive her?"  Before I could offer my opinion upon this
+important subject, the woman gave a loud scream, and fell back from the
+confessional in a fit.  The priest rose, the handkerchief no longer
+concealed his face, and he appeared to be burning with indignation.  She
+was carried out of the church, and the priest hastened up the aisle to
+the vestry.  What had she done?  At all events, something for which it
+appeared there was no absolution.
+
+Aix-la-Chapelle--alas!  What did we care for the tomb of Charles the
+Great, and his extensive dominions, his splendour and power?  We had
+lost something to us of much more importance--a carpet bag; not that the
+carpet bag was of much value, for it was an old one, nor the articles
+which it contained, for they were neither new nor of much worth; but we
+lost in that carpet bag an invaluable quantity of comfort, for it
+contained a variety of little absolute necessaries, the loss of which we
+could not replace until our arrival at Cologne, to which town all our
+trunks had been despatched.  The children could not be brushed, for the
+brushes were in the carpet bag; they could not be combed, for the combs
+were in the carpet bag; they were put to bed without nightcaps, for the
+night-caps were in the carpet bag; they were put to bed in their little
+chemises, reaching down to the fifth rib or thereabouts, for their
+night-clothes were in the carpet bag: not only the children, but every
+one else suffered by this carpet bag being absent without leave.  My
+boots burst, and my others were in the carpet bag; my snuff-box was
+empty, and the canister was in the carpet bag; and the servants
+grumbled, for they had smuggled some of their things into the carpet
+bag.
+
+It would appear that everything had been crammed into this unfortunate
+receptacle.  Had we lost a jewel-case, or a purse full of money, it
+would have been a trifle compared to the misery occasioned by this
+jumble up of every day conveniences of little value, showing how much
+more comfort depends upon the necessaries than the luxuries of life.  I
+may add, now that I read what I have written, that this carpet bag
+increased in dimensions to a most extraordinary compass for several
+weeks afterwards.  Everything that was missing was declared by the
+servants to have been in the carpet bag, which, like the scape-goat of
+the Jews, wandered in the wilderness, bearing with it all the sins of
+all the nurses and every other domestic of the family.
+
+On our road, the landlord of an inn put the following printed document
+into my hands, which I make public for the benefit of those who are
+sportsmen without being landholders.
+
+  "COMFORTABLE INN.--The proprietor of the Red House, at Burgheim, on
+  the road from Aix-la-Chapelle to Cologne, pleasantly situated in the
+  middle of the town, opposite the Post-Office and Post-House, has the
+  honour of recommending himself to travellers.  The `Galignani's
+  Messenger' and other newspapers are taken in.  The English, German,
+  and French languages spoken.  Having excellent preserves of game in
+  the neighbourhood, he is happy to inform travellers that he can
+  provide them with good sports in wild boar, deer, and hare hunting,
+  and wild duck and partridge shooting.  Horses and carriages of all
+  descriptions supplied for excursions in the neighbourhood.
+
+  "AJ HONS."
+
+_Prussia_.--I fear that our political economists are running after a
+shadow, and that their reciprocity system will never be listened to.  It
+is remarkable, that, after subsidising this and other powers to break up
+the continental system established by Napoleon for the expulsion of
+English manufactures and the consequent ruin of England, now that the
+world is at peace, these very powers who, by our exertions and our
+money, have been liberated from their thraldom, have themselves
+established the very system of exclusion which we were so anxious to
+prevent.  A little reflection will prove that they are right.  The
+government of a country ought never, if possible, to allow that country
+to be dependent upon any other for such resources as it can obtain by
+its own industry.  We, ourselves, acted upon this principle when we
+established the silk manufactories in Spitalfields; and it is the duty
+of every government to do the same.
+
+The indigenous productions of the soil may fairly be admitted on a
+system of reciprocity and exchange, but not articles of manufacture, of
+which the raw material is to be obtained by all.  For instance, the
+lead, and iron, and tin of Great Britain, the wines of other countries,
+are all articles to be exchanged or paid for by those who have not mines
+of those metals, or do not possess vineyards.  Further than this
+reciprocity cannot go, without being injurious to one, if not to both
+parties.
+
+Three of the carriage-wheels defective!  Add this to the carpet bag, and
+people will agree in the trite observation that misfortunes never come
+single.  This is not true; they do come single very often, and when they
+do, they are more annoying than if they come in heaps.  You growl at a
+single mishap, but if you find that Fortune is down upon you and
+attempts to overload you, you rise up against her with indignation, snap
+your fingers, and laugh at her.  The last mishap brought consolation for
+all the others; if we had not so fortunately found out the defects in
+the wheels, we might have broken our necks the next day, especially, as
+some amateur took a fancy and helped himself to our _sabot_.  I only
+wish he may be shod with it for the remainder of his days.
+
+It is curious how the ignorant and simple always rise or depreciate
+others, whatever their rank may be, to their own levels, when they talk
+of them.  I listened to one little girl telling a story to another, in
+which kings, queens, and princesses were the actors.
+
+"And so," said the queen to the princess, "what a very pretty doll that
+is of yours!"
+
+"Yes, your majesty; papa bought it for me at the bazaar, and gave 5
+shillings 6 pence for it," etcetera.
+
+This reminded me of the sailors telling stories on board of a
+man-of-war, who put very different language into the mouth of royalty.
+
+"Well," says the king, "blow me tight if I'll stand this.  You must
+buckle-to as fast as you please, Mrs Queen."
+
+"I'll see you hanged first, and your head shaved too," answered her
+majesty in a rage, etcetera, etcetera.  What queens may say in a rage it
+is impossible to assert; but to the seamen this language appeared to be
+perfectly regal and quite correct.
+
+Some people form odd notions of gentility.  A cabman took up a
+well-dressed female, who made use of expressions which rather startled
+him, and he observed to a friend of his, a hackney-coachman, that he had
+no idea that the higher classes used such language.
+
+"Pooh! pooh!" replied the coachman, "she warn't a lady."
+
+"I beg your pardon," replied the cabman, "a real lady, _hat and
+feathers_!"
+
+Cologne.--This is a regular Golgotha--the skulls of the Magi, _par
+excellence_, and then the skulls of Saint Ursula and her 11,000 virgins.
+I wonder where she collected so many!  Saint Ursula brought a great
+force into the field, at all events, and, I presume, commands the right
+wing of the whole army of martyrs.  I went into the golden chamber,
+where there are some really pretty things.  The old fellow handed us the
+articles one after another, but I observed that there were many things
+which I had seen when here before, which were not presented to view, so
+I looked into the cabinet and found them.  They were crystal vases,
+mounted with gold and precious stones.  One had the thigh-bone of Saint
+Sebastian; another, part of the ulna of Saint Lawrence; and a third a
+bit of the petticoat of the Virgin Mary.  I handed them out to the
+ladies, and asked him why he did not show us those as he used to do
+before.  The old man smiled and turned the corners of his mouth down, as
+if to say, "Its all humbug!"  Relics are certainly at a discount, even
+among the Catholics.
+
+I question whether the Bridge of Boats at Cologne don't pay better than
+any other in the whole world, although by no means the handsomest; the
+stream of passengers on it all day is as strong and as wide as the Rhine
+itself.  As for Cologne, the best thing that could happen to it is to be
+burnt down.  Narrow streets, badly ventilated, badly drained; your nose
+is visited with a thousand varieties of smell as you pass along; and the
+Eau de Cologne in the gutters is very different in savour from that
+which you buy in the bottles.
+
+We had a pleasant passage from Cologne to Coblentz, and from thence to
+Mayence, because we had pleasant company.  It is singular, but it is a
+fact, that you go on board a steamboat to avoid fatigue, and each night
+you are more tired than if you had travelled by land.  You go to avoid
+dust and heat; the first is exchanged for blacks out of the funnel, and
+you are more dirty than if you had travelled twice the distance; and the
+heat is about the same; in these points you certainly gain nothing.  The
+expense of these Rhine steamboats is very great.  By a calculation I
+made--to travel by post, five persons in a carriage, from Cologne to
+Strasburg--you will expend 200 and odd francs less than by the steam
+conveyance.  In time you certainly lose by steam, as you are four days
+and a half going to Strasburg, and by land carriage it is half the
+distance, being only forty-five posts.
+
+Neither do you save trouble; for the steam-boats being changed every
+evening, you have to take your luggage on shore, shift it from one to
+the other, and, at the very time that you are least inclined to do
+anything, independent of an enormous expense which you ought not to pay,
+but cannot well resist.
+
+Now, as you really gain nothing in the above points, it is at least to
+be supposed that you gain in the picturesque; but this is not the case:
+and I have no hesitation in asserting that those who go up the Rhine are
+generally disappointed, although they do not like to say so.  They
+expect too much.--The vivid descriptions, the steel engravings, have
+raised their anticipations too high; and they find that the reality is
+not equal to the efforts of the pen and pencil.  Several of the
+passengers acknowledged to me that they were disappointed; and I must
+confess that I hardly knew the Rhine again.  When I travelled up the
+Rhine by land I thought it beautiful; but in a steam-boat it was tame.
+
+This was observed by others, besides myself, who had ascended both by
+steam and by the road running close to the banks; and the reason was
+simple.  When you travel by land you have the whole breadth of the Rhine
+as a foreground to the scenery of the opposite bank, and this you lose
+by water; and the bank you travel on is much more grand from its
+towering above you, and also from the sharp angles and turns which so
+suddenly change the scenery.  Abruptness greatly assists the
+picturesque: the Rhine loses half its beauty viewed from a steam-boat.
+I have ascended it in both ways, and I should recommend all travellers
+to go up by land.  The inconveniences in a steam-boat are many.  You
+arrive late and find the hotel crowded, and you are forced to rise very
+early (as Mayence at three o'clock in the morning), which, with a
+family, is no trifle.  The only part of the Rhine worth seeing is from
+Cologne to Mayence; below Cologne and above Mayence it is without
+interest; and although between these two places the steam-boats are well
+served, above Mayence everything is very uncomfortable, and you are
+liable to every species of exaction.
+
+If I were to plan a tour up the Rhine for any friends, I should advise
+them not to go by the Rotterdam steamer; it is a long voyage and without
+interest, and with many inconveniences; but start in the steamer to
+Antwerp, go up to Brussels by the rail-road; from thence you will start
+for Cologne by the route of Namur and Liege through Waterloo; and I
+rather expect that many will prefer the banks of the _Meuse_ to the
+Rhine.  I know nothing more beautiful than the road from Namur as far as
+Chaude Fontaine, although compared to the Rhine it is on a miniature
+scale.  From Liege to Aix-la-Chapelle, and from thence to Cologne.  Go
+up the Rhine by land as far as Mayence, and then you may do as you
+please.  When you are coming back, descend by the steam-boats; for then
+you go with the stream and with great rapidity, and arrive in good time
+at the towns where they stop.  You will then have seen the Rhine by land
+and by water.
+
+At present the bubble is at its height; but it will burst by-and-by.
+The English are lining the banks of the Rhine with gold, and receive
+insult and abuse in exchange.  I have been much amused with a young
+countryman who has come up in the steamer with me.  Not able to speak a
+word of French or German, he is pillaged every hour of the day; but if
+he could speak, he has no idea of the value of his money.  He pulls out
+his purse, and the waiters help themselves--very _plentifully_, I may
+safely add.  What he has come for it is difficult to say: not for the
+picturesque, for he slept the whole time between Cologne and Mayence--
+that is, all the time that was not occupied by eating and drinking.  His
+only object appears to be to try the Rhenish wines.  He has tried all
+upon the _Wein Presen_.  He called for a bottle of the best; they gave
+him one not on the _carte_, and charged him exactly one pound sterling
+for the bottle.  He is a generous fellow; he sits at the table with his
+bottle before him, and invites every man to partake of it.  And he found
+plenty on board who were willing to oblige him.
+
+"Capital wine, an't it?" said he to a Frenchman who drank his wine, but
+did not understand a word of English.
+
+"A votre sante, Monsieur," replied the Frenchman.
+
+"I say, what wine do you call it?"
+
+"C'est exquis, Monsieur," replied the Frenchman.
+
+"Eskey, is it?  You, waiter, bring us another bottle of eskey."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY THREE.
+
+To continue.--Should travellers think it advisable to proceed upon the
+Rhine, so far as Mayence, let them be careful how they venture to
+proceed farther.  I did so, out of curiosity to know what the features
+of the Rhine were, after it had lost its character for magnificence; and
+I will now detail my progress.  At Mayence you are shifted into a
+smaller steamer, with less power, upon the principle that there being
+but a few passengers, their comforts do not require so much attention;
+for, as the Rhine becomes more rapid as it narrows, upon any other
+principle the power of the engine should have been greater.  I must
+caution the reader not to believe what is told them by the steam-packet
+company.
+
+Barbers were once considered liars _par excellence_, but I am inclined
+to give the preference to these new associations.  The features of the
+Rhine change immediately that you leave Mayence; the banks are low, and
+the river is studded with numerous islands, all of which, as well as the
+greatest proportion of the banks, are covered with osiers.  Still, there
+is a great beauty in the Rhine even there; the waving of the osiers to
+the strong breeze, the rapidity of the current, the windings of the
+river, the picturesque spires of the village churches, or the change of
+scenery when the river pours through forests, lining each bank as the
+vessel slowly claws against the rapid stream, are by no means
+uninteresting; of course we did not arrive at Leopoldshaffen at the hour
+stated by the people at the office, but we did arrive late at night, and
+took up our quarters at a small auberge in the above village, which is
+not marked down in the maps, but which has post-horses and diligences to
+convey passengers to Carlsruhe.  Notwithstanding the assertion at the
+packet-office, that we were to be in one day to Leopoldshaffen, in one
+day more to Strasburg, we found there was no steamer until the day after
+the morrow, and that we must wait one day more if we did not choose to
+go to Carlsruhe.  The females, being fatigued, preferred remaining where
+they were.  We sauntered about and amused ourselves quietly.  The next
+day, we found the steamer had arrived, and that instead of her ascending
+in one day to Strasburg, it would take a day and a half, and that we
+must pass the night aboard without the least accommodation--not very
+pleasant, with a carriage full of young children.  We embarked on board
+the steamer, which was a miserable small vessel, with an engine of bad
+construction, and very small power; and with this we were to oppose the
+most rapid part of the Rhine.  In every other point the vessel was
+equally ill found: they had a very small stock of provisions, bad wine,
+and none of those comforts provided for the passengers in the other
+vessels.  To crown all, another family with children (of whom more
+hereafter) had taken their passage.  The steward told us, that never
+expecting so many people on board going up to Strasburg, he was totally
+unprepared; and so it eventually appeared.
+
+We started, and soon found out that the power of the engines was quite
+disproportionate to the object in view.  The Rhine now assumed a more
+desolate character.  For miles and miles not a village nor even a
+solitary town to be seen; the Hartz mountains forming a blue opaque mass
+in the distance; the stream rapidly passing through narrow and deep
+channels, leaving one half of the bed of the river dry.  At times we
+passed very dangerous straits, where the waters boiled and eddied over
+reefs of rocks, and were often obliged to force our way by keeping
+within a foot of steep and muddy banks, where trees torn up, and hanging
+by the roots, proved how violent must be the current when the river is
+increased by the melting of the mountain snow.
+
+Our progress was, as it may be imagined, most tedious; at no time did we
+advance above a mile and a half per hour; sometimes we did not gain a
+hundred yards in the same time, and occasionally we were swept back by
+the current, and had to lose still more ground, while they increased the
+power of the engine at the risk of explosion.  The consequence was, that
+when the day closed, the conducteur gave his opinion, that instead of
+being at Strasburg by eleven or twelve o'clock the next day, we should
+not arrive till four or five o'clock: we anchored within a yard of the
+bank, and prepared to pass the night how we could.
+
+Our party consisted of seven, with two nurses.  The other party
+consisted of four grown-up females, one male, four boys, an East African
+negro, and a _cowskin_; the latter was a very important personage, and
+made a great noise during the passage.  The gentleman was apparently one
+of those who denominate themselves eclectic: he paid very little
+attention to what was going on; a peaceable sort of man, whose very
+physiognomy said "any thing for a quiet life:" one of the ladies was his
+wife, and two others, virgins of some standing, apparently his sisters;
+the other lady, a bilious-looking sort of personage, and happy in being
+the mother of four very fine boys, as great pickles as ever lived; these
+she kept in order with the assistance of the negro and the cowskin, the
+use of the latter occasioning such evident marks of astonishment and
+horror to _our_ little ones, as not to be at all satisfactory to the
+lady in question, who appeared not averse, had she dared, to have given
+them a taste of it.  The youngest and the youngest but one of the boys
+were the two sufferers; the youngest had a regular dozen administered
+every half hour.  The two eldest were more particularly under the care
+of the negro, who used his fists, I presume because they wore corduroys,
+and, as Hood says, did not care for "cut behind."  We had not been in
+the vessel two minutes before there was a _breeze_.  I heard the negro
+expostulating as follows:--"You very foolish boy, what you mean? who
+ever heard of putting new cloth cap into water to catch fish?"  This was
+the first offence.  I must say that the coercion used did not appear to
+originate from any feeling of regard for the children, for they were
+allowed to climb, and push, and run over the sky-lights, and over the
+engine, and I every moment expected that some of them would be provided
+for either by the cog-wheels or the river Rhine.
+
+It was evident at once, not only from the above accessories, but from
+the Chinese trunks which contained their luggage, that they were an
+Indian importation, and their behaviour subsequently proved it, beyond
+all doubt, even if they had not made it known--not by talking to us, but
+by talking at us, for they evidently did not consider that we were
+sufficiently respectable to be admitted into their society, even in the
+short intercourse of fellow-travellers.
+
+I cannot here help making an observation relative to most of the people
+who come from India.  They are always dissatisfied, and would gladly
+return.  The reason is very obvious; they at once lose their rank and
+consequence, and sink down to the level which they are entitled to in
+English society.  In India the rank of the servants of the Company takes
+precedence; but whatever their rank or emolument may be in India, they
+are still but servants of a company of merchants, and such rank is not,
+of course, allowed in England.  Accustomed to unlimited sway and control
+over a host of fawning slaves, and to that attention as females--which,
+where females are not very plentiful, is most sedulously paid--
+accustomed to patronise the newcomers, who, of course, feel grateful for
+such well-timed civility and hospitality--in short, accustomed to rank,
+splendour, wealth, and power--it is not surprising that, upon their
+return to England, when they find themselves shorn of all these, and
+that their station in society is far more removed from the apex, they
+become sullen and dissatisfied.  Of course, there are many who have been
+resident in India, where family and connections insure them every
+advantage upon their return to their native country; but it must be
+recollected that the greater proportion of those who return consists of
+those who were of low origin, and who have obtained their appointments
+in reward for the exertions of their parents in behalf of their patrons
+in parliamentary returns, etcetera, and of young females who have (with
+their face as their fortune) been shipped off to India upon a
+matrimonial speculation.  Now, however high in rank they may have, in
+the course of many years' service, arrived to in India, when they return
+they are nobodies; and unless they bring with them such wealth as to
+warrant their being designated as nabobs, their chance of admittance
+into the best society is very small indeed.
+
+I have said that they _talked_ at us, and not to us.  The gentleman was
+civil, and would have conversed, but he was immediately interrupted and
+sent off on a message; and, for a quiet life, he gave it up.  The system
+of talking at people always reminds me of the play of the "Critic," in
+which it is asked why, if "he knows all this, it is necessary to tell
+him again?"  Simply because the audience do not; so, the party in
+question were the actors, and we were the audience to be informed.  The
+conversation between the adults run as follows:--
+
+"You recollect how polite Lord C-- was to us at --?"
+
+"To be sure I do."
+
+"Lady D-- told me so and so."
+
+"Yes, I recollect it very well."
+
+"What a nice man the Honourable Mr E-- is!"
+
+"Yes, that he is."
+
+"How very intimate we were at -- with Lady G--."
+
+"That we were."
+
+And so on, during the whole of the day, much to our edification.  How
+contemptible, how paltry is such vanity!  But with their indulgence of
+it for our amusement, the cow-skin, and a scanty dinner, we got through
+the first day, during which two or three occasional patronising
+questions or remarks were thrown at our heads, and then they reverted to
+their own assumed exclusiveness.  The night, as may be supposed, was
+anything but comfortable to those in the cabin; but I shall not dwell
+upon what, if fairly narrated, would be a very pretty sketch of human
+nature.
+
+We were to arrive the next day at five o'clock in the afternoon, but we
+toiled on; and the sun at last went down, and we found ourselves with
+the steeple of Strasburg a long way off.  We again anchored, and had to
+pass another night in this miserable vessel and delightful company.  The
+detention, of course, made our fellow-passengers more cross; and could I
+have obtained possession of the cowskin, I would certainly have thrown
+it overboard.  The captain sent a man on shore to procure us something
+to eat, for the steward declared himself bankrupt.  The next forenoon we
+arrived at the bridge of boats between Kehl and Strasburg; and thus was
+finished our tedious and unpleasant voyage, of which I have given a
+description as a warning to all future travellers.  Our
+fellow-passengers did once condescend to address and inform us that they
+had left England (a party of ten people) only to pay a visit to some
+friends in Switzerland--an expensive sort of trip, and which did not
+appear at all consistent with the fact that they were travelling without
+a carriage or female servants.  Be it as it might, we separated without
+so much as a salutation or good-bye being exchanged.
+
+Much of the picturesque on the Rhine is destroyed by the vineyards,
+which are, in reality, the most unpoetical things in landscape scenery,
+being ranged up the sides of the mountains in little battalions like
+infantry.  It is remarkable in how shallow and how very poor a soil the
+vine will grow.  At Saint Michael's, they dig square holes in the
+volcanic rocks, and the vines find sustenance.  At the Cape of Good Hope
+the Constantia vineyards are planted upon little more than sand.  I dug
+down some depth; and could find nothing else.  The finest grapes grown
+in Burgundy are upon a stratum of soil little more than a foot deep,
+over schistus slate quarries, and the soil itself composed chiefly of
+the _debris_ of this soft rock.
+
+We know that the vegetable creation has a sort of instinct as well as
+the animal and it appears to me that there are different degrees of
+instinct in that portion of nature as well as in the other.  A vine, for
+instance, I take to be a very clever plant, and both apple and
+pear-trees to be great fools.  The vine will always seek its own
+nourishment, hunting with its roots through the soil for the aliment it
+requires; and if it cannot find it where it is planted, it will seek, in
+every direction and to a great distance, to obtain it.  It is asserted
+that the famous vine at Hampton Court has passed its roots under the bed
+of the river, and obtains aliment from the soil on the other side; but
+an apple or pear-tree will take no such trouble--it will not even avoid
+what is noxious.  Plant one of these trees in the mould three or four
+feet above the marl or clay; so long as the roots remain in the mould,
+the tree will flourish, but so soon as the tap root pierces down to the
+marl or clay below the mould, the tree will canker and die.  To prevent
+this, it is the custom to dig first down to the marl and put a layer of
+tiles upon it, which turn the roots of the trees from a perpendicular to
+a horizontal direction, and then they do well; but leave the tree
+without assistance, and the fool will commit suicide, blindly rushing to
+its own destruction; while the vine will not only avoid it, but use
+every exertion to procure what is necessary for its continuing in health
+and vigour.  The vine is therefore certainly the more intellectual plant
+of the two.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR.
+
+Strasbourg.
+
+There certainly is an impulse implanted in our natures to love
+something; our affections were never intended to lie in abeyance, and if
+they cannot be placed upon the other sex or our own children, they still
+seek something as an object.  This accounts for old bachelors being fond
+of their nephews and nieces, for blood relationship has nothing to do
+with it; and for old ladies, who have not entered into wedlock, becoming
+so attached to dogs, cats, and parrots.  Sometimes, indeed, the
+affections take much wilder flights in the pursuit of an object, and
+exhibit strange idiosyncrasies; but still it proves by nature we are
+compelled to love something.  I have been reflecting how far this
+principle may not be supposed to pervade through the universe, and
+whether we cannot trace it in the inferiors of the animal creation:
+whether we cannot trace a small remnant of Paradise in the beasts who
+enjoyed it with man, as well as in man himself.  It is well known that
+animals will take very strong and very strange attachments towards other
+animals.  It is, perhaps, more apparent in domestic animals, but is not
+that because they are more brought together and more under our immediate
+eye? in some instances, as in the case when maternal feelings are
+roused, the strongest antipathies and habit will be controlled.  A cat
+losing her kittens has been known to suckle a brood of young rats, but
+in this case I consider instinct to have been the most powerful agent;
+wild beasts confined in cages show the same propensity.  The lion
+secluded in his den has often been known to foster and become strongly
+attached to a dog thrown in to him to be devoured; but there never was
+an instance of a lion or any other wild beast, which had a female in the
+same den or even a companion of its own species, preserving the life of
+any other living creature thrown in to him.  This feeling occasions also
+the production of Hybrids; which in a wild state could never take place.
+There is not, probably, a more ferocious or ill-tempered animal than
+the bear when it is grown up; it is subdued by fear, but shows no
+attachment to its keeper; yet, the other day I fell in with a remarkable
+narration proving the feeling I have referred to, actuating even this
+animal.  A proof of the bad feeling of a bear is fully established by
+the fact that, although Martin, as the old bear is called in the Jardin
+des Plantes, at Paris, had been confined in his fosse nearly twenty
+years, during which time not a day passed that he was not well fed by
+the people who amused themselves in the gardens, when a man fell into
+his pit, he immediately destroyed him.  It does, however, appear, that
+all bears are not so ill-tempered as Monsieur Martin.  Leopold, Duke of
+Lorraine, had a bear confined by a long chain, near the palisades below
+the glacis.  Some poor Savoyard boys, who had emigrated as they still
+do, with the hopes of picking up some money to take back with them, had
+taken shelter in an out-house daring a severe snow storm.  One of them
+who was numbed with the cold, thought that he would try if he could not
+find some warmer berth, and in seeking this, as the snow fell fast, he
+at last crawled nearly exhausted into the kennel of the bear.  Instead
+of tearing the lad to pieces, the bear took him in his fore paws, and
+pressed him to his shaggy warm coat till he was quite recovered.  A bear
+generally receives you with open arms, whatever may be his ultimate
+decision; but in this instance it was favourable.  The poor little boy
+finding himself in good quarters, went fast asleep; the next morning he
+sallied forth to obtain some victuals if he could, but without success.
+Cold and hunger drove him again to the kennel of the bear, who not only
+was delighted to see him, but had actually laid aside a portion of his
+supper for the boy's use.  The amicable arrangement continued for some
+days, and the bear, at last, would not touch his victuals till the boy's
+return.  This peculiar friendship was at last discovered, and the story
+narrated to the Duke, who sent for the boy, and took care of him,
+admitting him into his own household.  The narrator observes that the
+boy died a year or two after this unusual occurrence had taken place.  I
+have no doubt but that many more instances might be brought forward by
+others to establish my supposition.  To us, all wild animals of the same
+species appear to be much alike in disposition, because we have not an
+opportunity of examining and watching them carefully, but I should
+rather imagine, that as we can perceive such a manifest difference in
+temper between individual horses and dogs and other animals who are
+domesticated, that the same difference must exist in the wild species,
+and that, in fact, there may be shades of virtue and vice in lions,
+tigers, bears, and other animals; and that there does exist in animals
+as well as in man, more or less according to their natural dispositions,
+a remnant of those affections which in the garden of our first parents
+were so strongly implanted as to induce the lion to lie down with the
+lamb.  "God is Love," says the Scriptures; before the devil found his
+way to this earth all was love, for God only was there.  Now man
+struggles between the two principles of good and evil.  When his nature
+was changed, so was that of animals; but the principle not being extinct
+in man, why should not a portion still remain in the rest of the
+creation, who with him were permitted to inhabit the garden of Eden, and
+whose savage natures were not roused until with man they were driven
+from that abode of peace?
+
+The most affectionate animal that I know of is the common brown
+Mongoose: it is a creature between the squirrel and the monkey, with all
+the liveliness but without any of the mischief of the latter.
+Unfortunately they will not live in our country, or they would supersede
+the cat altogether; they are very clean, and their attachment is beyond
+all conception to those who have not seen them.  They will leap on their
+master's shoulder, or get into his bed, and coil their long bushy tails
+round his neck like a boa, remaining there for hours if permitted.  I
+recollect one poor little fellow who was in his basket dying--much to
+the grief of his master--who, just before he expired, crawled out of his
+straw and went to his master's cot, where he had just sufficient
+strength to take his place upon his bosom, coil his tail round his neck,
+and then he died.
+
+Hares and rabbits are also very affectionate.  One of my little girls
+had one of the latter, which she brought up in the house.  He grew very
+large, and was domesticated just like a dog, following you everywhere,
+in the parlour and up into the bed-room; in the winter lying on the rug
+before the fire on his side, and stretching out his four legs as
+unconcerned as possible, even refusing to go away if you pushed him.  As
+for the cat, she durst not go near him.  He thrashed her unmercifully,
+for he was very strong; and the consequence was that she retired to the
+kitchen, where he would often go down, and if she was in his way drive
+her out.  The hare and rabbit, as well as the deer tribe, defend
+themselves by striking with their fore paws, and the blow which they can
+give is more forcible than people would suppose.  One day when I was in
+a cover, leaning against a tree, with my gun in my hand, I presume for
+some time I must have been in deep thought, I heard a rustling and then
+a squeak on the other side of the tree; I looked round the trunk, and
+beheld a curious combat between two hares and a stoat.  The hares were
+male and female, and had their leveret between them, which latter was
+not above six weeks old.  The stoat--a little devil with all its hair,
+from the tip of its nose to the end of its tail, standing at end--was at
+about two yards distance from them, working round and round to have an
+opportunity to spring upon the leveret, which was the object of its
+attack.  As it went round so did the hares face him, pivoting on a
+centre with the young one between them.  At last the stoat made a spring
+upon the leveret.  He was received by the hares, who struck him with
+their fore feet such blows as I could not have believed possible; they
+actually resounded, and he was rolled over and over until he got out of
+distance, when he shook himself and renewed his attacks.  These
+continued about ten minutes, and every time he was beaten off; but, at
+every spring, his teeth went into the poor little leveret; at last it
+gave its last squeak, turned over on its side, and died, the father and
+mother still holding their relative situations, and facing the stoat.
+The latter showed as much prudence as courage; for so soon as he
+perceived that the leveret was dead, he also walked off.  The hares
+turned round to their young one, smelt at it apparently, pushed it with
+their noses, and shortly after, as if aware that it was past all
+defence, hopped slowly away; they were hardly out of sight in the bushes
+when back came the stoat, threw the leveret, twice as big as himself,
+over his shoulders, and went off with his prize at a hard gallop,
+reminding me, in miniature, of the Bengal tiger carrying off a bullock.
+All the actors in the drama having gone off; I walked off, and shortly
+after both barrels of my gun went off, so the whole party disappeared,
+and there's an end of my story.
+
+If an elephant were not so very unwieldy, and at the same time so very
+uncertain in his temper, he is the animal who has the most claims from
+affection and intelligence to be made a pet of; but an elephant in a
+drawing-room would be somewhat incommodious; and, although one may admit
+a little irritability of temper in a lap-dog weighing three pounds, the
+anger of an elephant, although he expresses himself very sorry for it
+afterwards, is attended with serious consequences.  There is something
+very peculiar about an elephant in his anger and irritability.  It
+sometimes happens that, at a certain season, a wild elephant will leave
+the herd and remain in the woods alone.  It is supposed, and I think
+that the supposition is correct, that these are the weaker males who
+have been driven away by the stronger, in fact, they are elephants
+crossed in love; and when in that unfortunate dilemma, they are very
+mischievous, and play as many fantastic tricks as ever did any of the
+knights of the round table on similar occasions in times of yore.
+
+I was at Trincomalee; an elephant in this situation had taken possession
+of the road at some leagues distant, and, for reasons best known to
+himself, would not allow a soul to pass it.  He remained _perdu_ in the
+jungle till he saw somebody coming, and then he would burst out and
+attack them.  It is the custom to travel in palanquins from one part of
+the island to another, as in all parts of India.  If some officer or
+gentleman was obliged to proceed to Colombo or elsewhere, so soon as the
+palanquin came towards him, out came the elephant; the native bearers,
+who knew that it was no use arguing the point, dropped the palanquin and
+fled, and all that the occupant could do was to bundle out and do the
+same before the elephant came up, otherwise he had little chance of his
+life, for the elephant immediately put his knees in the palanquin and
+smashed it to atoms.  Having done this, he would toss the fragments in
+the air in every direction, at the same time carefully unfolding all the
+articles contained in the palanquin for the occupants use--shirts,
+trowsers, boots, bottles, books, undergoing a most rigid examination,
+and after that being rendered to fragments.  If the cooley who had the
+charge of the bag of letters made his appearance, he was immediately
+pursued until he gave up the whole correspondence, official or private.
+The bag was opened, every letter was opened one by one, and then torn in
+fragments and tossed to the winds.  In this way did he keep possession
+of the road, stopping all communication for several weeks, until it was
+his sovereign will and pleasure that people might receive their letters
+and travel across the country as before.  Now what an unaccountable
+freak was this!  It was like the madness of a reasonable being.  If I
+recollect right, it was when Captain Owen was on the east coast of
+Africa, some of his party who landed were attacked by elephants, who
+threw them down on the ground and, instead of killing them, as might
+have been expected, and would have given them no trouble, they drew up a
+large quantity of mud in their trunks and poured it into their mouths so
+as to nearly to suffocate them, and then left them.  On another
+occasion, they put their fore feet on their limbs, so as to pinch and
+bruise them severely in every part of their bodies, but avoided their
+bones so as not to fracture one.  Now this was evidently two species of
+torture invented by the elephants, and these elephants in a wild state.
+There certainly is something very incomprehensible about these animals.
+
+The lion has been styled the king of beasts, but I think he is an
+usurper allowed to remain on the throne by public opinion and suffrage,
+from the majesty of his appearance.  In every other point he has no
+claim.  He is the head of the feline or cat species, and has all the
+treachery, cruelty, and wanton love for blood that all this class of
+animals have to excess.  The lion, like the tiger and the cat, will not
+come boldly on to his prey, but springs from his concealment.  It is
+true that he will face his assailants bravely when wounded, but so will
+the tiger.
+
+In my opinion, the horse is the most noble of all animals, and, I am
+sorry to say, the most ill-used, at least in England; for I do not
+recollect a single instance of having seen a horse ill-treated on the
+Continent.  In fact, you hardly ever see a horse on the Continent that
+is not in good working condition: you never meet the miserable, lame,
+blind, and worn-out animals that you do in England, which stumble along
+with their loads behind them till they stumble into their graves.  If
+any one would take the trouble to make friends with their horses, they
+would be astonished at the intelligence and affection of this noble
+animal; but we leave him to our grooms, who prefer to use force to
+kindness.  At the same time, I have observed, even in colts, very
+different dispositions; some are much more fond and good-tempered than
+others; but let them be what they will as colts, they are soon spoiled
+by the cruelty and want of judgment of those who have charge of them in
+the stable.  The sympathy between the Arab and his horse is well known:
+the horse will lie down in the tent, and the children have no fear of
+receiving a kick; on the contrary, they roll upon, and with him: such is
+the result of kindness.  And I can now give a proof of the effects of
+the contrary, as it was, in this instance, what may be termed _malice
+prepense_ in the animal.  The horses used in the West Indies are
+supplied from the Spanish Main; they are from the Andalusian stock
+originally, partly Arab and barb.  These horses are taken by the lasso
+from the prairies, and are broken in as follows:--They head them down to
+the sea beach, saddle and bridle them for the first time, and mount them
+with a pair of spurs, the rowels of which are an inch long.  So soon as
+the animal plunges and attempts to divest himself of his rider, he is
+forced into the sea, and there he is worked in and out of his depth till
+he is fairly worn out and exhausted.  This is repeated once or twice
+till they are submissive, and then they are sent off as broke-in horses
+to the West India Islands.  A friend of mine had a very beautiful
+animal, which he had purchased from one of these ships.  He had not
+bought him more than a week before he took the bit in his mouth, and ran
+away with the black boy who was exercising him.  The boy lost his seat
+and fell, and the horse, for a hundred yards, continued his career; and
+then it stopped, turned round, and galloped up to the boy, who was still
+on the ground, and never ceased kicking him till the poor fellow's
+brains were scattered in the road.  Now this was evidently determination
+for revenge.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE.
+
+Strasbourg is full of the pomp and circumstance of war.  Being one of
+the keys of France, it has a garrison of ten thousand men, and the drums
+and bands play from morning to evening, much to the delight of the
+children, at all events.  It is a well-built town, although the houses
+are most of them of very ancient date, with three stories of
+_mansardes_, in their high-peaked roofs.  I am rather partial to the
+Alsatian character; it is a combination of French, Swiss, and German,
+which make a very good cross.  Not being in any particular hurry, I have
+remained here ten days, and I will say for Strasbourg, that it has many
+recommendations.  It is lively and bustling; the walks outside the
+ramparts are beautiful, and living is very reasonable.  It has, however,
+the reputation of being a very unhealthy place, and, I am afraid, with
+truth.  It is singular that the beautiful cathedral, although it has
+already suffered so much by lightning, has not yet been fitted with a
+conductor.  There was a meeting of the dignitaries some years back; some
+argued in favour and some against it, and it ended in neither party
+being persuaded, and nothing being done.  I met another Englishman here,
+to whom the question might so properly be put, "What the deuce are you
+doing here?"  An old worthy, nearly seventy, who, after having passed
+his fair allowance of life very happily in his own country, must,
+forsooth, come up the Rhine, without being able to speak a word of
+French, or any other language but his own.  He very truly told me that
+he had just begun to see the world at a time that he should be thinking
+of going out of it.  He honoured me with the office of interpreter as
+long as he stayed, and I was not sorry to see him booked for the
+steam-boat, all the way to the London Custom House stairs.
+
+There is one remarkable point about the town of Strasbourg, which is,
+that the Protestants and Catholics have, I believe always, and do now,
+live in a state of amity which ought to be an example to others.  In
+running over the history of the town, I do not find that they ever
+persecuted each other; but if they have not persecuted each other, I am
+shocked to say that they have not spared the Jews.  At the time of the
+plague, they accused the Jews of having occasioned it by poisoning the
+wells, and only burnt alive _two thousand of them at once_!  I wonder
+when the lightning struck the cathedral they did not drown two thousand
+more in the Rhine--strange Christianity! when smitten by the hand of
+God, to revenge themselves by smiting their fellow-creatures.  I had to
+call upon a Professor here upon some business; he amused me very much;
+he fancied that he could speak English: perhaps he might have been able
+to do so at one time, but if so, he had forgotten it, but he did not
+think he had.  I addressed him in French, and told him my business.
+"Sir, you speak English?"--"Yes," replied I.  "Then, Sir, I tell you
+that--" Then he stopped, pondering and perplexed for some minutes,
+without saying a syllable.  "Speak French, Sir," said I; "I perceive
+that you have forgotten a word in our language;" and I then put another
+leading question to him, to which he replied, "Yes, I recollect that
+very well, and I--" Then another dead pause for the verb.  I waited a
+minute in perfect silence, but his memory was as treacherous as he was
+obstinately bent upon talking English, and then I again spoke to him,
+and he replied, "That is true, that you must--" Then he broke down
+again, and I broke up the conference, as I really could not wait until
+he formed English words, and he was evidently resolved that he would
+speak in no other language.  Fortunately, it was no business of my own,
+but a commission from another, which ended in an omission, which,
+perhaps, did quite as well.
+
+This morning I strolled into a small _debit de tabac_, to fill my box,
+and it being excessively warm, was not sorry to sit down and enter into
+a conversation with the young woman who attended upon the customers.  I
+asked her, among other questions, if the shop was hers.  She replied,
+"That she had hired the license."  This answer struck me, and I inquired
+if she could obtain a license for herself.  She replied, "No, unless,"
+said she, laughing, "I should marry some old _estropie_ who has been
+worn out in the service."  She then informed me of what I was not aware
+which is, that instead of giving pensions to the old militaires, they
+give them, and them only, the licenses for selling tobacco.  They may
+either carry on the trade themselves, or may lease out their licenses to
+others, for as much as they can obtain for it per year.
+
+I perceive that the Gallic cock now struts on the head of the staff,
+bearing regimental colours, instead of the eagle of Napoleon.  They
+certainly have made the cock a most imposing bird, but still a cock is
+not an eagle.  The couplets written upon this change, which was made by
+Louis Philippe, are somewhat sarcastic:--
+
+  "Le vaillant coq Gaulois,
+  Grattant sur le fumier,
+  A fait sortir le roi
+  Louis Philippe Premier;
+  Qui par juste reconnoissance
+  Le mit dans les armes de France."
+
+Did not sleep very comfortably this night; there were too many of us in
+the bed, and all of us bits of philosophers.  I am a bit of a
+philosopher myself, and surely fleas cannot be considered more than very
+little bits.  All French fleas are philosophers, it having been fairly
+established by a French punster that they belong to the _secte--
+d'Epicure (des piqueurs_).
+
+The English who go up the Rhine to Switzerland generally proceed on the
+German side.  Few pass through Alsace or German France, and those who
+do, take the shortest route, by which they avoid Colmar.  As I took the
+longest in preference, I shall in few words point out the features of
+the country.  You pass through the valley of the Rhine, which is flat
+and fertile to excess, the only break in the uniformity of the country
+being the chain of Vorges mountains, distant about eight miles on your
+right, and the occasional passage of the dry bed of a winter torrent
+from the mountains.  The cathedral at Colmar is well worth seeing.  In
+outward architecture it is not very remarkable, but its painted windows
+are quite as fine as those of Strasbourg; and, in one point, it excels
+all the cathedrals I have seen, which is the choir, handsomely carved in
+oak, and with good pictures let into the panels.  It is in better taste,
+more solid, and less meretricious in its ornaments, than any I know of.
+It has also a very fine pulpit, the whole of which, as well as the steps
+and balustrade leading up to it, is of fine marble.  At Colmar, the eye
+will be struck with the peculiarity of architecture in some of the old
+buildings; it very often is pure Saracenic.  The roads being excellent,
+we arrived in good time at Basle.
+
+Once more in Switzerland; I have more pleasure now in revisiting a
+country which has left pleasant reminiscences in my mind, than in
+passing through one hitherto unexplored.  In the latter case, I am
+usually disappointed.  When we revisit those spots in which our
+childhood was passed, how invariably do we find that the memory is true
+to what the place appeared to us when children, and hardly to be
+recognised when our ideas and powers of mind have been developed and
+enlarged in proportion with our frames.  Is it possible? thought I, when
+I returned, after a lapse of fifteen years, to the house of my childhood
+out of mere curiosity, for my family had long quitted it.  Is this the
+pond which appeared so immense to my eyes, and this the house in my
+memory so vast?  Why it is a nutshell!  I presume that we estimate the
+relative size of objects in proportion to our stature, and, as when
+children, we are only half the size of men, of course, to children,
+everything appears to be twice the size which it really is.  And not
+only the objects about us, but everything in the moral world as well.
+Our joy is twice the joy of others, and our grief, for the moment, twice
+as deep: and these joys and griefs all for trifles.  Our code of right
+and wrong is equally magnified: trifles appeared to be crimes of the
+first magnitude, and the punishments, slight as they were, enough to
+dissolve our whole frame into tears until we were pardoned.  Oh dear!
+all that's gone, as Byron says--
+
+  "No more, no more, O never more on me,
+  The freshness of the heart shall fall like dew."
+
+The cathedral at Basle is nearly one thousand years old, which is a ripe
+old age, even for a cathedral.  I believe that it is only in
+Switzerland, and England, and Holland, that you find the Protestants in
+possession of these edifices, raised to celebrate the Catholic faith.
+
+I met here a very intelligent Frenchman who has resided many years in
+the town.  One of the first questions I put to him was the following:
+
+For more than twenty years Switzerland has been overrun with English and
+other visitors, who have spent an enormous sum of money in the country:
+what has become of all this money?
+
+He replied that I might well ask the question.
+
+"They have no banks in Switzerland; and, although land exchanges owners,
+still the money does not leave the country.  We have here," he said, "a
+few millionaires, who do lend their money in France upon good
+securities; but except these few, they do nothing with it.  The interest
+of money is so low, that I have known it lent by one of the rich people
+at two-and-a-half per cent; and the Swiss in general, in preference to
+risking what they can obtain for so small a premium, allow it to remain
+in their chests.  There is, at this present moment more bullion in
+Switzerland than in any other country in Europe, or, perhaps, than in
+all the countries in Europe.  A Swiss is fond of his money, and he does
+not use it; the millionaires that we have here, make no alteration in
+their quiet and plain state of living."  He then continued, "At this
+moment, those who can afford to spend their money at Basle are
+retrenching, not from motives of economy, but from feelings of ill will.
+The burghers, who have country seats, to which they retire during the
+summer, have abandoned them, and if any one wished to settle in this
+canton, they might purchase them for half their value.  The reason is,
+that there has been a difference between the town burghers and the
+country people.  The canton wanted a reform bill to be passed, in which
+they have not succeeded.  They required a more equitable
+representation--the country people amount to about forty thousand, the
+town of Basle to only ten thousand; and the town of Basle, nevertheless,
+returns two-thirds of the council, which governs the canton, to which
+the people who live in the country have raised objections.  Hence the
+variance; and to punish the country people by not spending their money
+among them, the burghers have abandoned their country houses."
+
+It may not, perhaps, be generally known, that at the time of the three
+days at Paris, there was an _emeute_ in Switzerland, in which the
+aristocracy were altogether put down; and in Berne, and some other
+cantons, the burghers' families, who, on pretence of preventing the
+aristocracy from enslaving the count, had held the reins of power for so
+long a period, were also forced to surrender that power to those who had
+been so long refused participation in it.  This was but the natural
+consequence of the increase of wealth in the country: those who before
+had remained quiet, feeling themselves of more consequence, insisted
+upon their rights; and the usual results were, that the administration
+of the government changed hands; but although this might be considered
+as an advantage gained, still it was but a change, or rather an
+admission of those who had become wealthy to a participation of the
+advantages connected with the exercise of authority; a change beneficial
+to a few, but to the _masse_, productive of no real advantage.  At
+Berne, to be a member of the government, is considered as a certain
+source of wealth, a convincing proof that the interests of those who
+hold the reins are not neglected; and that in a republic it is as
+difficult to insure to the people their legitimate rights, as under any
+other form of government.  And so it will be as long as the world turns
+round; man is everywhere the same exacting, selfish, preying creature;
+and his disposition is not to be changed.
+
+The Helvetic Republic is, in fact, nothing but an aggregation of petty
+despotisms--leniently administered, I grant; but still nothing but
+despotisms.  Those who are in power, or connected with those in power,
+are the only portion of the community who can amass large sums; and thus
+the authority is handed down from one to the other within certain
+limits, which it but rarely transgresses, something very nearly
+approximating to the corporations in England.
+
+In Switzerland, the working man remains the working man, the labourer
+the labourer, almost as distinct as the Indian castes the nobles are
+crushed, and the haughty burgh rules with all the superciliousness of
+vested right.
+
+I have always held a "respublica" as only to exist in theory or in name.
+History has proved the impossibility of its retaining its purity for
+half a century.  What the American Republic may be, it is impossible to
+say, until one has been in the country, and discovered what its
+advocates have been careful to conceal.  The Americans had a great
+advantage in establishing this system of government; they had nothing to
+overthrow, nothing to contend with.  They all started fair, and their
+half century is now nearly complete.  Time will prove whether it be
+possible in this world to govern, for any length of time, upon such a
+basis.  Mr Cooper, in his work on Switzerland, is evidently
+disappointed with his examination into the state of the Helvetic
+Republic; and he admits this without intending so to do.
+
+At Soleure I saw nothing very remarkable, except a dog with a very large
+goitre on his neck, a sight which I never had witnessed before, during
+the long time that I wandered through Switzerland.
+
+On our way to Berne, to divide the day's travelling more equally, we
+stopped at a small village, not usually the resting-place of travellers,
+and I there met with a little bit of romance in real life, which Sterne
+would have worked up well, but I am not sentimental.  The house, to
+which the sign was the appendage, struck me, at first entering, as not
+having been built for an _hotellerie_; the rooms were low, but large,
+and the floors _parquette_; here and there were to be seen remains of
+former wealth in pieces of _marquetterie_ for furniture, and clocks of
+_ormolu_.  There were some old prints, also, on the walls, very superior
+to those hung up usually in the auberges of the continent, especially in
+a village auberge.  When the supper was brought up, I observed that the
+silver forks and spoons were engraved with double arms and the coronet
+of a marquis.  I asked the female who brought up the soup, from whence
+they had obtained them?  She replied, rather _brusquement_, that she
+supposed they had been bought at the silversmith's, and left the room as
+if not wanting to be questioned.  The master of the auberge came up with
+some wine.  He was a tall, fine, aristocratical-looking man, about sixty
+years of age, and I put the question to him.  He replied that they
+belonged to the family who kept the inn.  "But," said I, "if so, it is
+noble by both descents?"  "Yes," replied he, carelessly, "but they don't
+think anything of that beer."  After a few more questions, he
+acknowledged that they were the armorial bearings of his father and
+mother, but that the family had been unfortunate, and that, as no tithes
+were allowed in the country, he was now doing his best to support the
+family.  After this disclosure, we entered into a long discussion
+relative to the Helvetic Republic, with which I shall not trouble my
+readers.  Before I went, I inquired his name from one of the servants,
+and it immediately occurred to me that I had seen it in the list of
+those twenty-six who are mentioned as the leaders of the Swiss who
+defeated the Burgundians, and whose monument is carved in the solid rock
+at Morat.  Two engravings of the monument were in the rooms we occupied,
+and I had amused myself with reading over the names.  I am no aristocrat
+myself, heaven knows! and if a country could be benefited, and liberty
+obtained, by the overthrow of the aristocracy, the sooner it is done the
+better; but when we see, as in Switzerland, the aristocracy reduced to
+keeping village inns, and their inferiors, in every point, exerting that
+very despotism of which they complained, and to free the people from
+which, was their pretence for a change of government, I cannot help
+feeling that if one is to be governed, let it be, at all events, by
+those who, from the merits of their ancestors and their long-held
+possessions, have the most claim.  Those who are born to power are not
+so likely to have their heads turned by the possession of it as those
+who obtain it unexpectedly; and those who are above money-making are
+less likely to be corrupt than those who seek it.  The lower the class
+that governs, the worse the government will be, and the greater the
+despotism.  Switzerland is no longer a patriarchal land.  Wealth has
+rolled into the country; and the time will come when there will be a
+revolution in the republic.  Nothing can prevent it, unless all the
+cantons are vested into one central government, instead of so many petty
+oligarchies, as at present, and which will eventually tire out the
+patience of the people.
+
+I parted from my noble host, and will do him the justice to say that his
+bill was so moderate, compared to the others paid in Switzerland, that I
+almost wished that all the inns in the cantons were held by the
+nobility--that is, provided they would follow his example.  His wine was
+excellent, and I suspect was laid in long before the sign was hung up at
+the door.
+
+From Soleure to Berne the whole road was lined with parties of troops
+ordered in that direction: every man of them was drunk, cheering, and
+hooting, and hallooing at us as we passed.  As for the peasant girls
+they met on the road, I really pitied them.  At last we have arrived at
+Berne.  The Bernese have chosen a most appropriate symbol in their
+heraldic crests of the bear, and, as if they had not a sufficient
+quantity inside of their towns, they keep four in the ditch outside.
+
+What a difference between the _tables d'hote_ in Germany and in
+Switzerland!  I always prefer the _table d'hote_ when it is respectable,
+for nothing is more unpleasant than remaining in a hotel shut up in your
+own room; the latter may be more dignified and aristocratic, but it is
+not the way to see the world; one might as well be in England, and,
+indeed, had much better.  A _table d'hote_ is a microcosm: you meet
+there all nations, people of all professions--some idle, some busy
+travelling on important matters, others travelling for amusement.  You
+are unfortunate if you do not fall in with one clever man at least, and
+you are quite sure to meet with a fool, which is almost as amusing.
+When I survey a _table d'hote_ I often think of the calenders who had
+all come to spend the _Ramadhan_ at Bagdad, and their histories; and I
+have thought that Grattan might make a very good series of Highways and
+Byways if he could obtain the history of those who meet at this general
+rendezvous.  The _tables d'hote_ in Germany are excellent, properly
+supplied, and very moderate.  I cannot say so of those in Switzerland.
+The fondness of the Swiss for money betrays itself in everything, and
+instead of liberality at the _table d'hote_, we have meanness.  The
+dinner itself is dearer than in Germany, and not half so good; but what
+is the most unexcusable part of our host's conduct is, that he half
+serves his guests, as Sancho was served at Barataria; for instance, as
+is usually the case, the viands are put on the table and then removed to
+be carved; two ducks will make their appearance at one end, two chickens
+at the other; are removed, and only one of each is cut up and handed
+round, the others are sent away whole to be re-dressed for some great
+man who dines in his own room.  This has been constantly the case since
+I have been here.  It may be asked, why we do not remonstrate?  In the
+first place, I prefer watching my host's manoeuvres; and in the next,
+although I might get my duck, my host would charge me the whole value of
+it when he sent in his bill.
+
+The French Ambassador could not have taken a better step to bring the
+Swiss to their senses than threatening them with a blockade.  It would
+have been ruin to them.  All the golden harvests would have been over,
+their country would have been deserted, and their Ranz des Vaches would
+have been listened to only by the cows.  As the French minister
+expected, the councils fumed and vapoured, the officers drew their
+swords and flourished them, and then--very quietly pocketed the affront
+that they might not be out of pocket.  What a pity it is that a nation
+so brave and with so many good sterling qualities, should be, as it
+would appear, so _innately_ mercenary!  There never was a truer saying
+than "Point d'argent, point de Suisse."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY SIX.
+
+                                                                 Geneva.
+Twenty years have made a wonderful alteration in the good sober
+puritanical city of Geneva.  The improvement from the new buildings
+which have been erected is so great, that I could hardly recognise the
+old city of Geneva in her dress.  It was an old friend with a new face,
+for as you enter the town, all the new buildings and streets meet your
+view.  As far as it has proceeded (for there is much left yet to be
+finished), the new portion of Geneva is finer than any portion of Paris,
+upon an equal space of ground.  But what surprised me more was to read
+the _affiches_ of the _Comedie_.  A theatre in Geneva!  When I was last
+here, a theatre was considered by the good people as criminal to the
+highest degree.  I inquired where the theatre was to be found, and it
+was all true--there _was_ a _theatre_.  I then made more inquiries.  It
+appeared that Mammon had seduced the puritans of Geneva.  People would
+not winter at Geneva; it was so dull--no amusements; and as soon as the
+snow was knee deep at Chamouny, they all ordered horses and flew away to
+Paris or Italy.  This affected the prosperity of the good citizens, and
+they talked among themselves; but no one of the Town Council would
+propose a theatre, until it was discovered, by private communication,
+that they were unanimously agreed,--then the proposition was started and
+carried.  But there are many concomitants attending a theatre, and with
+the theatre many other innovations have crept in; so that in a few years
+Geneva will be no better than Paris.  When I was last here, Science was
+the order of the day.  There were many celebrated men residing in the
+town, but they are all gone to their forefathers.  Every branch of
+Natural History had its _savant_; but, above all, Mineralogy was the
+most in vogue.  But Mineralogy has been superseded lately, by her eldest
+sister Geology, who, although not so pretty, has been declared more
+interesting and profound.  Still Mineralogy is the more scientific,
+although Geology is the more speculative.  In the education of children,
+I know no study which so enlarges the mind or gives a habit of research
+and application, as that of Natural History; it is amusement and
+instruction so happily blended, that it never tires.  Perhaps, the
+natural cupidity of our natures assists, as the knowledge of every new
+specimen is for the most part accompanied by the _possession_ of the
+specimen and an addition to the collection.  Moreover, it is a tangible
+study; not a nomenclature of things, but each substance is in your hand
+to be examined.  The arrangement and classification gives a habit of
+neatness and order, and children are taught to throw nothing away until
+its value is known.  Every child should be made acquainted with Natural
+History; and where the specimens can be obtained, and there is room for
+them, they should be allowed to have a collection, such as minerals,
+corals, shells, and plants; for these sciences, amusing in themselves,
+will gradually impel them to the others more abstruse, as every branch
+of Natural Philosophy is intimately connected with them.  The mind will
+ever be active, and if not interested in rational pursuits, it will fly
+off to the sensual.
+
+They have a very excellent plan in Switzerland, in many of the boys'
+schools, of all the scholars setting off together on a pedestrian tour
+of some weeks.  You will meet a whole school of thirty or forty urchins,
+with their knapsacks on their shoulders, attired in blouses, trudging
+away from town to town, and from mountain to mountain, to visit all the
+remarkable peculiarities of the country.
+
+This is a most excellent method of relaxing from study, and invigorating
+the mind at the same time that it is allowed to repose.  Neither is it
+so expensive as people would imagine.  One room will hold a great many
+school-boys, where the mattresses are spread over the floor: and I saw
+them make a very hearty breakfast upon bread and cheese and three
+bottles of wine, among about forty of them.  Why should not the boys
+about London set off on a tour to the lakes or elsewhere, in the same
+way--every year changing the route.  They then would see something of
+their own country, which few do before they are launched in life, and
+have no time to do afterwards.  I have never seen the lakes; in fact, I
+know nothing of my country, although I have scoured the world so long.
+I recollect that my father, who had never seen the Tower of London, was
+determined every year that he would go and see it; but he never could
+find time, it appears, for he died without seeing it at last.  I did,
+however, make the observation, that if Geneva had backslided so far as
+to permit a theatre, there was a feeling that this innovation required
+being carefully opposed.  When I was at Geneva before, there was no
+theatre, but neither were there shops which dealt exclusively in
+religious tracts and missionary works.  I observed on this my second
+arrival, that there were a great many to serve as a check to the
+increasing immorality of the age.
+
+I have referred to the change of twenty years, but what a change has
+been effected in about three hundred years, in this very country.  Read
+what took place in these cantons at about the date which I have
+mentioned.  I have been reading the chronicles.  Observe the powers
+assumed by the bishops of that period; they judged not only men but
+brutes; and it must be admitted that there was some show of justice, as
+the offending parties, being dumb themselves, were allowed lawyers to
+plead for them.
+
+How the lawyers were paid, has not been handed down; and it appears that
+the judgments were sometimes easier pronounced than carried into
+execution.
+
+At Basle, in the year 1474, it appears that a cock was accused of the
+enormous crime of having laid an egg: he was brought to trial and
+condemned to be burnt alive, as a warning to all cocks not to lay eggs,
+from which it is well known would have been hatched a cockatrice or
+basilisk.
+
+In 1481, cockchafers committed great ravages in the Grisons.  The Bishop
+of Coire condemned them all to transportation, and a barren valley was
+assigned to them as their future residence.  Whether the cockchafers
+obeyed his Lordship's orders, is not handed down to posterity.
+
+Some years afterwards the river Aar was infested with leeches, who
+spoilt all the salmon.  The Bishop of Lausanne excommunicated the whole
+tribe of leeches in a solemn procession to the river; and it is dreadful
+to reflect, that this excommunication remains upon their heads even unto
+this day.  Also next door, in France, in 1386, a sow was arraigned for
+having eaten a young child, and condemned to be hanged; to add to the
+disgrace of her punishment, she was dressed _in man's clothes_.
+
+About the same period rats were extremely mischievous, and in
+consequence were summoned to appear before my Lord the Bishop.  But the
+rats had a good lawyer, who first asserted that the rats, being
+dispersed in all the neighbouring villages, had not had time to collect
+together, and make their appearance; and that a second and a third
+summons would be but an act of justice.  They were, therefore, again
+summoned after the performance of mass on Sunday in each parish.
+Notwithstanding the three summonses, the rats did not appear in court,
+and then their defender asserted, that in consequence of the affair
+having been made so public by the three summonses, all the cats were on
+the look-out, and therefore his clients dare not make their appearance
+without all the cats were destroyed.  The consequence of this difficulty
+was, that the rats were not punished for contempt of court.
+
+I have often thought that it is a great pity that agricultural
+associations in England do not send over a committee to examine into the
+principle upon which they build and load carts and waggons on the
+Continent.
+
+It is a point on which we are very unenlightened in England.  The waste
+of wood in the building, and the wear and tear of horses, is enormous.
+We have yet many things to learn in England, and must not be ashamed to
+profit from our neighbours.  One horse will do more work on the
+Continent, especially in France and Switzerland, from the scientific
+principles upon which their vehicles are built, and the loads are put
+on, than three horses will accomplish in England.  The inquiries of the
+committee might be extended much if they went to the Agricultural
+Association at Berne; they would discover many things which have not yet
+entered into their philosophy.  I doubt very much whether the
+four-course shift of Norfolk, where farming is considered the most
+perfect, is not more expensive and more exhausting to the land, than the
+other systems resorted to on the Continent; that is, that it is not that
+which will give the greatest possible returns at the minimum of expense.
+I have before observed how very seldom you see a horse out of condition
+and unfit for work on the Continent; one great cause must be from their
+not being racked and torn to pieces by overloading; and notwithstanding
+which, the loads they draw are much heavier than those in England.  I
+have seen a load of many tons so exactly poised upon two wheels, that
+the shaft horse neither felt his saddle nor his belly-band.
+
+One great cause of the ill usage of horses in England is the disgraceful
+neglect of the public conveyances of all kinds.  If an alteration was to
+be made in the regulations of hackney coaches and cabs, we should no
+longer have our feelings tortured by the spectacles of horse misery
+which we daily meet with.  There are plenty of commissioners for hackney
+coaches, and it is a pity that they had not something to do for the
+money they receive, or else that they were abolished and their duty put
+into the hands of the police.  It may appear a singular remark to make,
+but I cannot help thinking that there would be a good moral effect in
+the improvement of hackney coaches.  There are a certain class of people
+in London, to whom these vehicles are at present of no use.  I refer to
+those who have a sufficient independence, but who cannot afford to keep
+their carriages, and who, by the present system of social intercourse,
+are almost shut out of society, or are inclined to spend more money than
+prudence would dictate.  In all other capitals, the hackney coaches are
+clean and respectable, and in some instances as good as a private
+carriage; and besides that, they have a superior kind of carriage for
+evening parties, which renders the expense of a private carriage
+unnecessary.  There certainly may be some excuse made for those who
+dislike hackney coaches pulling up at their doors, when we look at the
+disgusting turn-outs of the London stands, at one time filled with
+drunken men and women, at others carrying diseased people to the
+hospital, or dead bodies to the Surgeons' Hall.  An English hackney
+coach is a type of misery, as regards the horses' outsides, and a
+_cloaca_ within; you know not, when you step into it, whether you are
+not to encounter disease and death.  It may be said that there are such
+vehicles as glass coaches, as they are termed; but those are only to be
+hired by the day, and become very expensive.  The arrangements of these
+vehicles should be under the police: every coach and cab should be
+examined, at the commencement of the year, as to its appearance outside
+as well as its cleanliness inside.  The horses should be inspected, and
+if not in fair working condition, and of a certain height, the license
+should be refused.  And there should be a superior class allowed at
+certain stands, who are entitled to demand a higher fare.  This would
+not only be a boon to the public, but a much greater one to the poor
+horse, who would not drag out his lengthened misery as he does now.
+When there was no longer any means of selling a poor brute, to whom
+death was a release, he would be put out of his misery.  It would also
+be a great improvement if the Numbers were put inside instead of out, as
+they are abroad; and if _every_ description of vehicle, if well fitted,
+were licensed.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN.
+
+The Hotel des Bergues is certainly a splendid establishment; many people
+winter at this hotel in preference to going to a pension, which is, with
+the best arrangements, disagreeable, for you are obliged to conform to
+the usages and customs, and to take your meals at certain hours, hungry
+or not hungry, as if it were a pension of school-boys and girls, and not
+grown up people.  The price demanded is the same as at the pensions, viz
+200 francs, or 8 pounds per month, which includes everything but wine
+and fuel.  The establishment is certainly very well conducted.  There is
+a salon, next to the table d'hote, large enough to hold 200 people, well
+warmed and lighted, handsomely carpeted, with piano, books, prints,
+newspapers, card tables, etcetera.  Indeed, there is everything you wish
+for, and you are all independent of each other, I was there for two or
+three days, and found it very pleasant; I was amused with a circumstance
+which occurred.  One of the company, a Russian, sat down to the piano,
+and played and sang.  Every one wished to know who he was, and on
+inquiring, it was a Russian prince.  Now a prince is a very great person
+where princes are scarce, as they are in England, although in Russia, a
+prince, where princes are plenty as blackberries, is about on a par with
+an English baronet.
+
+He was a very honest off-hand sort of personage, and certainly gave
+himself no airs on account of his birth and rank.  Nevertheless, the
+English ladies, who were anxious that he should sing again, made a sort
+of deputation to him, and begged the honour of his highness favouring
+them with a song, with every variety of courtesy and genuflexion.
+
+"Oh yes, to be sure," replied his highness, who sat down and played for
+an hour, and then there was so much thanking, complimentary
+acknowledgement of condescension on his part, etcetera, and the ladies
+appeared so flattered when he spoke to them.  The next day it was
+discovered that a slight mistake had occurred, and that, instead of
+being a prince, he had only come to Geneva along with a Russian prince,
+and that the real prince was in his own room upstairs; upon which not
+only he fell himself at least 200 per cent, but, what was really too
+bad, his singing fell also; and many who had been most loud in his
+praises began to discover that he was not even a prince of musicians,
+which he certainly was.
+
+We had a good specimen of the independence and familiarity of Swiss
+servants on the occasion of this gentleman's singing; they came into the
+salon, and mixed almost with the company that they might listen to him;
+and had they been ordered out, would, in all probability, have refused.
+An American, with whom I was conversing, observed that in _his_ country
+such conduct on the part of servants, notwithstanding what had been said
+by English travellers on the subject, would never have been permitted.
+I have fallen in with some odd characters here.
+
+First, what would be considered a curiosity in England--a clergyman of
+the Church of England with mustachios!  What would the Bishop of London
+say?--and yet I do not see how, if a clergyman choose to wear them, he
+could be prevented.  He has good authority to quote; Calvin wore them,
+and so, I believe, did Luther.
+
+Secondly, with a personage who is very peculiarly disorganised when he
+drinks too much.  His wife, a most amiable quiet lady, is the party
+whose character is attacked.  As soon as Mr -- is in his cups, he
+immediately fancies that his wife is affected with the liquor, and not
+himself, and he tells everybody in a loud whisper his important secret.
+"There now, look at Mrs --, one of the best women in the world; an
+excellent wife and mother, and at most times as lady-like as you would
+wish to see: but look at her now--you see she's quite drunk, poor thing;
+what a pity, isn't it, that she cannot get over her unfortunate
+propensity; but I am afeard it's no use.  I've reasoned with her.  It's
+a sad pity, and a great drawback to my happiness.  Well, hang sorrow--it
+killed a cat.  Don't notice what I've told you, and pass the bottle."
+
+I believe that the English are better acquainted with geography than
+other nations.  I have been astonished at the ignorance on this point I
+have found in foreigners who otherwise were clever and well-informed men
+and women.  When the Marquis de Claremont Tonnere was appointed to the
+office of Minister of the Marine and Colonies, upon the restoration of
+the Bourbons, a friend of mine had an audience with him, and it was not
+until a very angry discussion, and a reference to the map, that he could
+persuade the minister that Martinique was an _island_.  However, in this
+instance we had nearly as great an error committed in our own Colonial
+office, which imagined that the Dutch settlement of Demerara upon the
+coast of South America, and which had fallen into our hands, _was_ an
+island; indeed, in the official papers it was spoken of as such.  A
+little before the French Revolution, a princess who lived in Normandy
+determined upon a visit to her relations in Paris; and having a sister
+married to a Polish nobleman, she determined to take Poland in her way.
+To her astonishment, instead of a day to two, her voyage was not
+completed under four months.
+
+I have heard it often asserted, that you should not build your house so
+as to look at a fine prospect out of your windows, but so as to walk to
+view it at a short distance.  This may be true with the finest prospects
+in other countries, but not so in Switzerland, where the view never
+palls upon the eye, from the constant changing which occurs in the
+tinting of the landscape.  You may look upon the Lake of Geneva every
+day, and at no one day, or even portion of the day, is the effect the
+same.  The mountains of Savoy are there, and change not their position:
+neither does the Lake; but at one time the mountains will appear ten
+miles nearer to you than they will at another.  The changing arising
+from refraction and reflection is wonderful.  Never did I witness
+anything finer than the Lake of Geneva at the setting of yesterday's
+sun.  The water was calm and glassy as a mirror, and it reflected in
+broad patches, like so many islands dispersed over it, every colour of
+the rainbow.  I cannot attempt to describe it; the effect was heavenly,
+and all I could say was, with the Mussulman, "God is great!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT.
+
+In this world we are so jealous of any discovery being made, that
+innovation is immediately stigmatised as quackery.  I say innovation,
+for improvement is not the term.  The attempt to improve is innovation,
+the success of the experiment makes it an improvement.  And yet how are
+we to improve without experiment?  Thus we have quackery in everything,
+although not quite so severely visited as it formerly was by the
+Inquisition who would have burnt alive him who asserted that the sun did
+not go round the earth, but the earth round the sun.  In medicine,
+quackery is the most frequently stigmatised.  We know but little of the
+human frame as far as medicine is to act upon it.  We know still less of
+the virtues of various plants which will effect a cure.  We are
+acquainted with a few but there are hundreds equally powerful, the
+properties of which we are ignorant of.  Could we add to medical science
+the knowledge of the African negroes and Indians, which they so
+carefully conceal from us, our pharmacopoeia would be much extended.
+When metallic medicines were first introduced into general use by a
+physician, an ancestor of mine, and the wonderful effect of them
+established by the cures, the whole fraternity was up in arms, and he
+was decried us a quack; notwithstanding which, the works he wrote have
+gone through twenty five editions, and the doses prescribed by him are
+to this day made use of by the practitioners.
+
+The fact is, that although the surgical knowledge of the day is very
+perfect, the medical art is still in its infancy.  Even the quackeries
+which fail should not be despised, for they have proved something,
+although they could not be perfected.  Animal magnetism, for instance:
+it failed, but still it discovered some peculiar properties, some
+sympathies of the human body, which may hereafter give a clue to more
+important results.  The great proof of the imperfection of medical
+science is the constant change made by the profession itself.  One
+medicine is taken into favour, it is well received every where, until
+the faculty are tired of it, and it sinks into disgrace.  Even in my
+time I have seen many changes of this sort, not only in medicine, but in
+diet, etcetera.
+
+What medical men would have thought of prescribing fat bacon for
+delicate stomachs twenty years ago?  Now it is all the vogue; breakfast
+bacon sold in every quarter of the metropolis.  Either this is quackery,
+to use their own term, or twenty years ago they were very ignorant, for
+their patients received positive injunctions to avoid all fat and greasy
+substances.
+
+Thus do the regular practitioners chop and change about, groping in the
+dark: but the only distinction is, that all changes made by the faculty
+are orthodox; but any alteration proposed out of the pale of MD, is an
+innovation and a quackery.
+
+That we have every where ignorant men, who are _de facto_ quacks, I
+admit; but still that term has been as liberally applied to the attempts
+of scientific and clever persons to improve the art of medicine.  Even
+homoeopathy must not be totally rejected until it has had a fair trial.
+It has one merit in it, at all events, that you take less physic.
+
+I consider the continual appearance of new quacks on the horizon a sure
+proof of the low state of our medical knowledge.  The more so as these
+quacks, although they kill, do effect very remarkable cures.  Do not
+regular practitioners kill also? or rather, do not their prescriptions
+fail?  If a quack cures, they will tell you that it was by mere
+accident.  I suspect that there is more of accident in the practice than
+the faculty are ready to admit; and Heaven knows they so change about
+themselves, that it is clear that they feel no confidence in the little
+that they do know; and it is because medicine is so imperfect that every
+half century we have a new quack, as he is termed, rising up, and
+beating the regular practitioners out of the field.  I could tell a
+story about Morrison's pills which would surprise not a little, and all
+the parties are now alive to prove it; but instead of that, I will tell
+another which occurred in France, in which a quack medicine had a most
+wonderful and unusual effect, for it was the means of the _total
+destruction of a Banditti_, who had defied the Government of the country
+for many years.  About twenty years ago,--I am not sure whether he still
+lives,--there was an irregular practitioner in France of the name of Le
+Roi.  He was, by all accounts, the King of all Empirics, and the Emperor
+of all Quacks.  He was more potent than the sovereign, and the _par
+l'ordre du Roi_ of Government was insignificant, compared to the _par
+l'ordre du Roi_ of this more potent personage.  He did not publish his
+cures in _pamphlets_, but in large _quartos_.  I have seen them myself,
+larger in size than an Ainsworth's dictionary.  It so happened that an
+Englishman, who was afflicted with the _indescribables_, was recommended
+from every quarter to buy the medicines of Monsieur Le Roi.  He did so,
+and his unknown complaint was removed.  The consequence was, that the
+Englishman swore by Le Roi; and as he was proceeding on to Spain, he
+took with him a large supply of the doctor's medicines, that he might be
+prepared in case his complaint should return.  All quack gentlemen take
+care that their medicines shall be palatable; no unwise precaution.  I
+do not know a better dram than Solomon's Balm of Gilead.  Old Solomon,
+by the bye, lived near Plymouth, and was very partial to the Navy.  He
+kept an excellent table, and was very hospitable.
+
+I recollect one day after the officers had drunk a very sufficient
+quantity of his claret and champagne, being a little elevated, they
+insisted upon Solomon bringing them out some Balm of Gilead as a finish,
+and they cleared off about two dozen one guinea bottles.  The old
+gentleman made no objection to provide it as often as they called for
+more, and they separated; but the next day he sent them all their bills
+in for the said Balm of Gilead, observing, that although they were
+welcome to his wine and table, that he must be paid for his medicine.
+But to proceed.
+
+The Englishman travelled with the king's messenger; most of his baggage
+had been sent on, but he would not part with his medicine, and this was
+all in the vehicle with himself.  As they passed the Pyrenees they were
+stopped by the banditti, who dragged them out of the carriage, after
+shooting the postilion, and made them lie with their faces on the
+ground, with guards over them, while they rifled the carriage.  They
+soon came to the packages of medicine, and observing that _Le Roi_ was
+upon all the bottles, and knowing that they had possession of a king's
+messenger, they imagined that this was some liquor sent as a present to
+the King of Spain; they tasted it, and found that, like other quack
+medicines, it was very strong and very good.
+
+Each man took his bottle, drank the king's health, and mirth and revelry
+took place, until they had consumed all that the Englishman had brought
+with him.  Now there is a great difference between taking a
+table-spoonful, and six or seven bottles per man; and so it proved, for
+they had hardly finished the last case before they found that the
+medicine acted very powerfully as a cathartic; the whole banditti were
+simultaneously attacked with a most violent cholera; they disappeared
+one by one; at last the guards could contain themselves no longer, and
+they went off too.  The two prisoners, perceiving this, rose from the
+ground, mounted the horses and galloped off as fast as they could.  They
+gave notice to the authorities of the first town they arrived at, not
+four miles distant, and a large body of cavalry were sent out
+immediately.  The effects of the medicine had been so violent that the
+whole of the banditti were found near to the spot where they had drunk
+the king's health, in such a state of suffering and exhaustion that they
+could make no efforts to escape, and were all secured, and eventually
+hung.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTY NINE.
+
+                                                               Lausanne.
+I recollect some one saying, that in walking out you should never look
+up in the air, but always on the ground, as, by the former practice, you
+were certain never to find any thing, although you might by the latter.
+So if you will not enter into conversation, you are not likely to obtain
+much information; whereas if you do, you will always chance to obtain
+some, even from the quarters the least promising.  I was seated on the
+box of the carriage, with the Swiss _voiturier_--and asked him, "If it
+were not a lucrative profession?"
+
+"It may appear so to you, sir," replied he, "from the price paid for the
+horses, but it is not so.  All we gain, is in five months in the year;
+the seven months of winter, we have to feed our horses without
+employment for them, that is, generally speaking."
+
+"But have you no employment for them in the winter?"
+
+"Yes, we put them into the waggons and draw wood and stone, which about
+pays their expenses.  If you are known and trusted, you will be employed
+to transport wine, which is more profitable; but that _voiturier_ who
+can find sufficient employment for his horses during the winter to pay
+their keeping, considers himself very fortunate."
+
+"When you do make money, what do you do with it?"
+
+"If we can buy a bit of land we do, but most people, if they can, buy a
+house, which pays better.  I prefer land."
+
+"There is not much territory in Switzerland, and land is not often for
+sale.  Everybody cannot buy land.  What do the others do?"
+
+"Lock the money up in their chests."
+
+"But do you never put your money in the foreign funds?"
+
+"Yes, the rich do and those who understand it.  We have a few very rich
+people in Switzerland, but, generally speaking, the people do not like
+to part with their money, and they keep it by them."
+
+"I was told by a Frenchman at Basle, that there was a great deal of
+bullion lying idle in Switzerland?"
+
+"He told you very true, sir; there is an enormous quantity of it, if
+collected together.  Those are Jews," continued he, pointing to a
+_char-a-banc_ passing.
+
+"Have you many of those in Switzerland?  I should think not."
+
+"No, sir, we do not allow them.  One or two families are perhaps
+permitted in a large town, but no more.  We are a small country, and if
+we were to allow the Jews to settle here, we should soon have too large
+a population to support.  By their customs, they may marry at any age,
+and they never go into the field, and work at the plough."
+
+"But may not you marry at any age, and when you please?"
+
+"No, sir; we have good laws in that respect, and it prevents the
+population increasing too fast.  I belong to a commune (parish); if I
+wish to marry, I must first prove that all my debts are paid, and all my
+father's debts, and then the commune will permit the Cure to marry me."
+
+"All your father's debts as well as your own?"
+
+"That is to say, all the debts he may have incurred to the commune.
+Suppose my father had been a poor man and unable to work, the commune
+would have let him want for nothing; but in supplying him they would
+have incurred an expense, that must be repaid by his family before any
+of the sons are allowed to marry.  In the same way, when my father died,
+although he received no assistance from the commune, he left little or
+nothing.  The commune clothed and educated me till I was able to gain my
+own livelihood.  Since I have done well, I have repaid the debt; I now
+may marry if I choose."
+
+"But cannot you evade this law?"
+
+"No, sir.  Suppose I was at Berne, and wished to marry a woman who
+belonged to another commune as well as myself.  The banns must be
+published three times in my parish, three times in her parish, and three
+times at Berne."
+
+"But suppose you married in a foreign country?"
+
+"If a Swiss marries in a foreign country, and has no debts to prevent
+his marrying, he must write home to the heads of the commune, stating
+his intention, and his banns will then be published in the commune, and
+a license sent him to marry.  But if, having debts of your own or your
+father's, you marry without giving notice, you are then no longer
+belonging to the commune, and if you come back in distress, you will be
+conveyed to the confines of the republic, and advised to seek the parish
+of your wife in her country.  If you are out of Switzerland with your
+wife, every child that you have born you must give notice of by letter
+to the commune, that it may be properly registered; and if you omit so
+doing, those children have no claim on their return."
+
+Such was the result of our conversation, and I repeat it for the benefit
+of those who occupy themselves with our internal legislation.
+
+I have been searching a long while for liberty, but I can find her
+nowhere on this earth: let me be allegorical.  If all the world are
+still in love with the name of Liberty, how much more were all the world
+in love with the nymph herself when she first made her appearance on
+earth.  Every one would possess her, and every one made the attempt, but
+Liberty was not to be caught.  How was it possible without her
+destruction?  After being harassed all over the world, and finding that
+she never was allowed to take breath, she once more fled from her
+pursuers, and, as they seized her garments, with the spring of the
+chamois she burst away, and bounding from the world, saved herself in
+Ether, where she remains to this day.  Her dress was, however, left
+behind, and was carried home in triumph.  It is, however, composed of
+such slippery materials as its former owner, and it escapes as it
+pleases from one party to another.  It is this dress of Liberty which we
+now reverence as the goddess herself, and whatever is clothed with it
+for the time receives the same adoration as would have been offered up
+to the true shrine.  Even Despotism, when in a very modest mood, will
+clothe herself in the garb of Liberty.
+
+Now there is really a sort of petty despotism in these _free_ cantons,
+which would be considered very offensive in England.  What would an
+English farmer say, if he was told that he could not commence his
+harvest without the permission of Government?  Yet such is the case in
+Switzerland, where there is a heavy fine if any one commences his
+vintage before the time prescribed by the authorities.  Your grapes may
+be ripe, and be spoiled; you have to choose between that alternative, or
+paying a fine, which reduces your profits to _nil_.  The reason given
+for this is that there are so many petty proprietors holding half and
+quarter acres of vineyards mixed together and not separated by a wall or
+fence, that if one began first he would rob the vineyard of the other--
+not arguing much for the Swiss honesty, which has become so proverbial.
+
+The case of the vintage laws is peculiarly hard this season upon the
+small proprietors.  The vintage has been late, and winter has now set
+in, all at once.  After weather like summer, we are now deep in snow,
+and the thermometer below the freezing point.  Few of the small
+proprietors have wine-presses; they have to wait until those who have
+them have got in their vintage, and then they borrow them.  The
+consequence is, that the small proprietors are always the last to gather
+their grapes, and now they have been overtaken by the weather, and they
+will lose most of their harvest.  Had they been permitted to pick their
+grapes at their own time, they might have used the presses, and have
+finished before the large vineyards had commenced.
+
+From the inquiries I have made, it appears that the vineyards of
+Switzerland pay very badly.  Land is at a very high price here, in the
+Canton de Vaud; 300 or 400 pounds per acre is not thought dear (600
+pounds have been given); and in the best seasons a vineyard will not
+yield 10 pounds per acre.  The wine is very indifferent, and requires to
+be kept for years to become tolerable.
+
+But the Swiss are wedded to their vineyards; and although, if they laid
+down the land in pasture, they would gain twice as much, they prefer the
+speculation of the wine-press, which fails at least three times out of
+four.
+
+The office of public executioner or Jack Ketch of a canton in
+Switzerland, as well as in many parts of Germany, is very appropriately
+endowed.  He has a right to all animals who die a natural death, with
+their skins, hoofs, etcetera, and this, it is said, brings in a fair
+revenue, if attended to.  Executions are so uncommon in Switzerland,
+that Jack Ketch would starve if he was not thus associated with death.
+When an execution does take place he is well paid; they say the sum he
+receives is upwards of twenty pounds; but it must be remembered that he
+does not hang, he decapitates, and this requires some address: the
+malefactor is seated in a chair, not laid down with his head on the
+block.
+
+An execution took place at Berne when I was last in Switzerland; the
+criminal, after he was seated in the chair, was offered a cup of coffee,
+and as he was drinking it, the executioner, with one blow of his heavy
+sword, struck his head clear off; for a second or two the blood flew up
+like a fountain: the effect was horrid.
+
+An Englishman at Lausanne had a very favourite Newfoundland dog, which
+died.  He was about to bury it, when the executioner interfered and
+claimed the skin; and it was not until he had submitted to the demands
+of this official gentleman, that he was permitted to bury his favourite
+in a whole skin.  Only imagine, half a dozen old dowagers of Park Lane,
+whose puffy lap-dogs were dead in their laps, bargaining for their
+darlings with Jack Ketch, because they wish to have them stuffed; and
+Jack's extortion raising his demands, in proportion to the value
+apparently placed upon the defunct favourites.  Talking about lap-dogs,
+one of the best stories relative to these creatures is to be found in
+Madame de Crequey's Memoirs.  A Madame de Blot, a French dandysette, if
+the term may be used, who considered her own sex as bound to be
+ethereal, and would pretend that the wing of a lark was more than
+sufficient for her sustenance during the twenty-four hours, had one of
+the smallest female spaniels that was ever known.  She treated her like
+a human being, and when she went out to a party, used to desire her
+lady's maid to read the animal a comedy in five acts, to amuse it during
+her absence.  It so happened that a fat priest, who was anxious for the
+protection of Madame de Blot, called to pay his respects.  Madame de
+Blot made a sign to him, without speaking, to take his seat upon a large
+fauteuil.  No sooner had the priest lowered down his heavy carcass into
+the chair, than he felt something struggling under him, and a little
+recollection told him that it must be the little spaniel.  That it was
+all over with the spaniel was clear, and that if her mistress had
+discovered his accident, it was equally clear that it was all over with
+him, as far as the patronage of Madame de Blot was concerned.  The
+priest showed a remarkable degree of presence of mind upon this trying
+occasion.  He rose himself up a little from his chair and plumped down,
+so as to give the poor little spaniel her _coup de grace_, and then
+entered into conversation with Madame de Blot.  During the conversation
+he contrived by degrees to cram the dog, tail and all, into his
+capacious coat pockets.  As soon as it was fairly out of sight, he rose,
+bade adieu to Madame de Blot, and backed out of the room with as great
+respect as if he was in the presence of royalty, much to the
+satisfaction of Madame de Blot, who was delighted at such homage, and
+little thought why the good priest would not turn his back to her.  The
+story says, that the Madame de Blot never could find out what had become
+of her little dog.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY.
+
+                                                               Lausanne.
+What a continual strife there is between literary men!  I can only
+compare the world of authors to so many rats drowning in a tub, forcing
+each other down to raise themselves, and keep their own heads above
+water.  And yet they are very respectable, and a very useful body of
+men, also, in a politico-economical sense of the word, independent of
+the advantages gained by their labours, by the present and the future;
+for their capital is _nothing_ except brains, and yet they contrive to
+find support for themselves and thousands of others.  It is strange when
+we consider how very few, comparatively speaking, are the number of
+authors, how many people are supported by them.
+
+There are more than a thousand booksellers and publishers in the three
+kingdoms, all of whom rent more than a thousand houses, paying rent and
+taxes; support more than a thousand families, and many thousand clerks,
+as booksellers alone.  Then we have to add the paper manufacturers, the
+varieties of bookbinders, printing-ink manufacturers, iron pens, and
+goose quills.  All of which are subservient to and dependent upon these
+comparatively few heads.
+
+What a _train_ an author has! unfortunately for him it is too long.
+There are too many dependent upon him, and, like some potentates, the
+support of his state eats his whole revenue, leaving him nothing but
+bread and cheese and fame.  Some French writer has said, "La litterature
+est le plus noble des loisirs, mais le dernier de tous les metiers;" and
+so it is, for this one reason, that according as an author's wants are
+cogent, so he is pressed down by the publisher.  Authors and publishers
+are natural enemies, although they cannot live without each other.  If
+an author is independent of literature, and has a reputation, he bullies
+the publisher: he is right; he is only revenging the insults contumely
+heaped upon those whom the publishers know to be in their power, and
+obliged to submit to them.  Well, every dog has his day, and the time
+will come when I and others, having swam too long, shall find younger
+and fresher competitors, who will, like the rats, climb on our backs,
+and we shall sink to the bottom of the tub of oblivion.  Now, we must
+drive on with the stream; the world moves on so fast, that there is no
+stopping.  In these times, "Si on n'avance pas, on recule."
+
+How the style of literature changes!  Even now I perceive an alteration
+creeping on, which will last for a time.  We are descending to the
+homely truth of Tenier's pictures.
+
+Every work of fiction now is "sketched from nature;" the palaces, the
+saloon, all the elegancies of high life are eschewed, and the middle and
+vulgar classes are the subjects of the pencil.  But this will not last
+long.  It is the satiety of refinement on the part of the public which
+for a short time renders the change palatable.
+
+I was yesterday informed that a celebrated author wished to be
+introduced to me.  I was ashamed to say that I had never heard his name.
+The introduction took place, and there was a sort of patronising air on
+the gentleman's part, which I did not approve of.  I therefore told him
+very frankly that I was not aware of the nature of his literary labours,
+and requested to know what were his works.  He had _abridged_ something,
+and he had written a _commentary_ upon another thing!--just the
+employment fit for some old gentleman who likes still to puddle a little
+with ink.  One could write a commentary upon any thing.  One of my
+children is singing a nursery song, now I'll write a commentary on it in
+the shape of notes:--
+
+  Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been?
+  I've been to London to see the new queen.
+  Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there?
+  Hunted a titty mouse under the chair.
+
+Now for a commentary:--
+
+This simple nursery rhyme is in the familiar style of question and
+answer, which is always pleasing; and it is remarkable that two
+excellent moral lessons are to be found in so few words.
+
+The child who sings it may be supposed to repeat the words without
+comprehending their full meaning; but although such may be the case,
+still it is most important that even the rhymes put into the infantine
+lips should afford an opportunity to those who watch over their welfare
+to point out to them on a proper occasion the instruction which they
+contain.  In the first line, the term pussy cat may be considered
+tautological, as pussy and cat both refer to the same animal; but if so,
+it is allowable, as pussy may be considered as the christian name and
+cat as the surname of the animal.  It is to be presumed that the cat
+addressed is young, for it evidently was at play, and old cats do not
+play.  Otherwise it would not have been necessary to repeat her name, to
+call her attention to the question.  The cat answers in few words, as if
+not wishing to be interrupted, that she has been to London to see the
+new queen.  What queen of England may be referred to, it is impossible
+to positively ascertain; but as she says the new queen, we have a right
+to suppose that it must refer to the accession of a queen to the throne
+of England.  We have here to choose between three,--Elizabeth, Mary, and
+Anne; and for many reasons, particularly as the two last were married,
+we are inclined to give the preference to the first, the word _new_
+having, for the sake of the metre, been substituted for virgin.  Certain
+it is that a married woman cannot be considered as _new_, although she
+may not be old.  We therefore adhere to our supposition that this rhyme
+was composed at the accession of the great Elizabeth.  And here we may
+observe, that the old adage "that a cat may look at the king" is fully
+corroborated, for pussy says expressly that she has been to see the new
+queen, pointing out, that as the sun shines upon all alike, so the sun
+of royalty, in a well-administered government, will equally dispense its
+smiles upon all who approach to bask in them; and that even a cat is not
+considered as unworthy to look upon that gracious majesty who feels that
+it is called to rule over so many millions, for the purpose of making
+them happy.
+
+It would appear as if the cat continued to play with her ball, or
+whatever else might have been its amusements, after having answered the
+first question; for, on the second question being put, her attention is
+obliged to be again roused by the repetition of her name.  She is asked
+what she did there, and the reply is, that she hunted a titty mouse
+under the chair.  There is a wonderful effect in this last line, which
+fully gives us at once the nature and disposition of the cat, and a very
+excellent moral lesson.  The cat calls the mouse a _titty_ mouse, a term
+of endearment applied to the very animal that she was putting in bodily
+fear.  It is well known how cats will play with a mouse in the most
+graceful way; you would almost imagine, from the manner in which it is
+tossed so lightly and so elegantly, allowed to escape and then caught
+again, that it was playing with it in all amity, instead of prolonging
+its miseries and torturing it, previously to its ultimate destruction.
+
+It is in reference to this peculiar character of the cat, that she is
+made to use the fond diminutive appellation of titty mouse.
+
+The moral contained in this last line hardly needs to be pointed out to
+our intelligent readers.  A cat goes to court, she enters the precincts
+of a palace, at last she is in the presence of royalty, not as usual in
+the kitchen, or the cellar, or the attics, or on the roofs, where cats
+do most congregate, but actually stands in the presence of royalty; and
+what does she do?  Notwithstanding the awe which it may be naturally
+supposed she is inspired with, notwithstanding the probable presence of
+noble lords and ladies, forgetful of where she is, and in whose presence
+she stands, seeing a mouse under the chair, she can no longer control
+the powerful instincts of her nature; and forgetting that the object of
+her journey was to behold royalty, she no longer thinks of any thing but
+hunting the titty mouse under the chair.  What a lesson is here taught
+to the juvenile sexes that we should never attempt to force ourselves
+above our proper situations in society, and that in so doing we soon
+prove how much we are out of our place, and how our former habits and
+pursuits will remain with us, and render us wholly unfit for a position
+to which we ought never to have aspired.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY ONE.
+
+                                                               Lausanne.
+After all, there is more sympathy in this world than we would suppose,
+and it is something to find that, in the turmoil and angry war of
+opinion and interest, nations as well as parties can lay down their
+weapons for a time, and offer one general and sincere tribute to genius.
+In these exciting times, we hear of revolutions in Spain and Portugal,
+deaths of crowned men, with indifference, but a shock as astounding as
+that of an earthquake in the city of Peru was felt throughout Europe
+when the numerous periodicals spread the unexpected intelligence that
+the gifted Malibran was no more, that in the fulness of her talent and
+her beauty, just commencing the harvest ripe and abundant, produced by
+years of unremitting labour, in which art had to perfect nature, she had
+been called away to the silent tomb, and that voice which has
+electrified so many thousands was mute for ever.  Poor Malibran! she had
+had but a niggard portion of happiness in this world, although she
+procured so much pleasure to others.  A brutal father, from whom she
+received but blows, who sold her to a dotard, who would have sold her
+again would she have consented! until her late marriage, toiling for
+others, without one object in the world on whom to throw her warm
+affections.  I remember one day when we were talking of seasickness, I
+observed that the best remedy was beating the sufferer: she shook her
+head.
+
+"No," said she; "that will not cure it, or surely I should have been
+cured when I crossed the Atlantic with my father."
+
+Those who knew Malibran only as a performer did not know enough of her;
+they should have known her in society, and in domestic life.  She was
+the _ne plus ultra_ of genius in a woman; one moment all sunshine, the
+next a cloud would come over her expressive features; changeable as the
+wind, but in every change delightful, for she never disguised a thought.
+Six weeks--but six short weeks, and I saw her at Brussels at her
+country house, whither she had retired after the fatigues of the season.
+How impressive must be her death.  Had she sickened and died at
+Brussels, the shock would have been great, for it is a shock when youth,
+beauty, and talent are so suddenly mowed down; but she died, as it were,
+on the stage.  Admiring and applauding thousands had been listening to
+her magical powers, thousands more waiting to hear her at the other
+festivals; all eyes were upon her, all expectation upon tiptoe, when
+death, like a matador, comes in, strikes his victim, bows sarcastically
+to the audience, and retires.  A thousand sermons, and ten thousand
+common deaths could not have produced so effective a moral lesson as the
+untimely fate of Malibran.  There is but one parallel to it, and the
+effect of it was tremendous.  It was that of Mr Huskisson, on the
+opening of the Manchester Railroad.  This is the second homily read to
+the good people of Liverpool and Manchester.  Peace be with her,
+although her body is not permitted to be at rest.
+
+The more I see of the Swiss and Switzerland, the more is my opinion
+confirmed as to the strongest feature in the national character being
+that of avarice.  The country is poetry, but the inhabitants are the
+prose of human existence.  Not a chalet but looks as the abode of
+innocence and peace; but whether you scale the beetling rock, or pause
+upon the verdant turf which encircles their picturesque habitations, the
+demon appears like Satan in the garden of Eden.  The infant, radiant as
+love, extends its little hand for money; the adult, with his keen grey
+eye, searches into you to ascertain in what manner he may overreach you.
+Avarice rules over the beautiful country of Helvetia.
+
+The prevailing foible of a nation is generally to be found in the
+proverbs of the country and of those adjacent.  The Genevese appear to
+have the credit of excelling the Swiss generally: they say here, "Il
+faut trois Juifs pour faire un Baslois, et trois Baslois pour faire un
+Genevois."
+
+Again:--
+
+"Si un Genevois se jette par la fenetre, suivez le?  Il y aura pour
+gagner."
+
+It was, however, a very neat answer given by a Swiss to a Frenchman, who
+asserted that the French fought for honour, and the Swiss for money.
+
+"C'est vrai," replied the Swiss, "chacun se bat pour cela que lui
+manque."
+
+The Swiss have abolished titles, they have crushed their nobility; but
+human nature will prevail; and they seek distinction by other channels;
+every one who has the least pretention to education or birth looks out
+for employment under government; and you can hardly meet with a
+well-dressed person in the streets who is not a magistrate, inspector,
+_directeur_, or _employe_ in some way or the other, although the
+emoluments are little or nothing.  The question has been brought forward
+as to trial by jury being introduced, and, strange to say, the majority
+are opposed to it as not being suitable to the Swiss.  The reason they
+give is, that as all respectable people hold offices under Government,
+and are thereby excused from serving, that there will be nobody but the
+lower classes to sit as jurors.  It is very difficult to obtain evidence
+in a Swiss court of justice; and this arises from the dislike of the
+Swiss to give evidence; as, by so doing, they may make enemies, and
+their own interests may be injured.  This is completely the character of
+the Swiss.  When I visited Switzerland in my younger days, I used my
+eyes only, and I was delighted; now that I visit it again, when years
+have made me reflect and inquire more, I am disappointed.  The charm is
+dissolved, the land of liberty appears to me to be a land of petty
+tyranny in the Government, and of extreme selfishness in the
+individuals; even the much-vaunted fidelity of the Swiss seems not to
+have arisen from any other than mercenary motives.  Indeed, there is
+something radically wrong--however faithful they may be to their
+employers, or however they may be brave and talented--in the hearts of
+those who volunteer for hire and pay to kill their fellow creatures.  I
+could not put my trust in such men in private life, although I would in
+the service for which they have hired themselves.
+
+Do the faults of this people arise from the peculiarity of their
+constitutions, or from the nature of their Government?  To ascertain
+this, one must compare them with those who live, under similar
+institutions.
+
+I must go to America, that's decided.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY TWO.
+
+SOUTH WEST AND BY WEST THREE-QUARTERS WEST.
+
+Jack Littlebrain was, physically considered, as fine grown, and moreover
+as handsome a boy as ever was seen, but it must be acknowledged that he
+was not very clever.  Nature is, in most instances, very impartial; she
+has given plumage to the peacock, but, as every one knows, not the
+slightest ear for music.  Throughout the feathered race it is almost
+invariably the same; the homeliest clad are the finest songsters.  Among
+animals the elephant is certainly the most intelligent, but, at the same
+time he cannot be considered as a beauty.  Acting upon this well
+ascertained principle, nature imagined, that she had done quite enough
+for Jack when she endowed him with such personal perfection; and did not
+consider it was at all necessary that he should be very clever; indeed,
+it must be admitted, not only that he was not very clever, but (as the
+truth must be told) remarkably dull and stupid.  However, the
+Littlebrains have been for a long while a well-known, numerous, and
+influential family, so that, if it were possible that Jack could have
+been taught anything, the means were forthcoming: he was sent to every
+school in the country; but it was in vain.  At every following vacation,
+he was handed over from the one pedagogue to the other, of those whose
+names were renowned for the Busbian system of teaching by stimulating
+both ends: he was horsed every day and still remained an ass, and at the
+end of six months, if he did not run away before that period was over,
+he was invariably sent back to his parents as incorrigible and
+unteachable.  What was to be done with him?  The Littlebrains had always
+got on in the world, somehow or another, by their interest and
+connections; but here was one who might be said to have no brains at
+all.  After many pros and cons, and after a variety of consulting
+letters had passed between the various members of his family, it was
+decided that, as his maternal uncle, Sir Theophilus Blazers, GCB, was at
+that time second in command in the Mediterranean, he should be sent to
+sea under his command; the Admiral, having in reply to a letter on the
+subject, answered that it was hard indeed if he did not lick him into
+some shape or another; and that, at all events, he'd warrant that Jack
+should be able to box the compass before he had been three months
+nibbling the ship's biscuit; further, that it was very easy to get over
+the examination necessary to qualify him for lieutenant, as a turkey and
+a dozen of brown stout in the boat with him on the passing day, as a
+present to each of the passing captains, would pass him, even if he were
+as incompetent as a camel (or, as they say at sea, a cable), to pass
+through the eye of a needle; that having once passed, he would soon have
+him in command of a fine frigate, with a good nursing first lieutenant;
+and that if he did not behave himself properly, he would make his signal
+to come on board of the flag-ship, take him into the cabin, and give him
+a sound horsewhipping, as other admirals have been known to inflict upon
+their own sons under similar circumstances.  The reader must be aware
+that, from the tenour of Sir Theophilus's letter, the circumstances
+which we are narrating must have occurred some fifty years ago.
+
+When Jack was informed that he was to be a midshipman, he looked up in
+the most innocent way in the world, (and innocent he was, sure enough,)
+turned on his heels, and whistled as he went for want of thought.  For
+the last three months he had been at home, and his chief employment was
+kissing and romping with the maids, who declared him to be the
+handsomest Littlebrain that the country had ever produced.  Our hero
+viewed the preparations made for his departure with perfect
+indifference, and wished everybody good bye with the utmost composure.
+He was a happy, good-tempered fellow, who never calculated, because he
+could not; never decided, for he had not wit enough to choose; never
+foresaw, although he could look straight before him; and never
+remembered, because he had no memory.  The line, "If ignorance is bliss,
+'tis folly to be wise," was certainly made especially for Jack;
+nevertheless he was not totally deficient: he knew what was good to eat
+or drink, for his taste was perfect, his eyes were very sharp, and he
+could discover in a moment if a peach was ripe on the wall; his hearing
+was quick, for he was the first in the school to detect the footsteps of
+his pedagogue; and he could smell anything savoury nearly a mile off, if
+the wind lay the right way.  Moreover, he knew that if he put his
+fingers in the fire that he would burn himself; that knives cut
+severely; that birch tickled, and several other little axioms of this
+sort which are generally ascertained by children at an early age, but
+which Jack's capacity had not received until at a much later date.  Such
+as he was, our hero went to sea: his stock in his sea-chest being very
+abundant, while his stock of ideas was proportionably small.
+
+We will pass over all the trans-shipments of Jack until he was
+eventually shipped on board the Mendacious, then lying at Malta with the
+flag of Sir Theophilus Blazers at the fore--a splendid ship, carrying
+120 guns, and nearly 120 midshipmen of different calibres.  (I pass over
+captain, lieutenant, and ship's company, having made mention of her most
+valuable qualifications.)  Jack was received with a hearty welcome by
+his uncle, for he came in pudding-time, and was invited to dinner; and
+the Admiral made the important discovery, that if his nephew was a fool
+in other points, he was certainly no fool at his knife and fork.  In a
+short time his messmates found out that he was no fool at his fists, and
+his knock-down arguments ended each disputation.  Indeed, as the French
+would say, Jack was perfection in the _physique_, although so very
+deficient in the _morale_.
+
+But if Pandora's box proved a plague to the whole world.  Jack had his
+individual portion of it, when he was summoned to _box_ the compass by
+his worthy uncle Sir Theophilus Blazers; who in the course of six months
+discovered that he could not make his nephew box it in the three, which
+he had warranted in his letter; every day our hero's ears were boxed,
+but the compass never.  It required all the cardinal virtues to teach
+him the cardinal points during the forenoon, and he made a point of
+forgetting them before the sun went down.  They attempted it (and
+various were the teachers employed to drive the compass into Jack's
+head) his head drove round the compass; and try all he could, Jack never
+could compass it.  It appeared, as some people are said only to have one
+idea, as if Jack could only have one _point_ in his head at a time, and
+_to_ that point he would stand like a well-broken pointer.  With him the
+wind never changed till the next day.  His uncle pronounced him to be a
+fool, but that did not hurt his nephew's feelings; he had been told so
+too often already.
+
+I have said that Jack had a great respect for good eating and drinking,
+and, moreover, was blessed with a good appetite: every person has his
+peculiar fancies, and if there was anything which more titillated the
+palate and olfactory nerves of our hero, it was a roast goose with sage
+and onions.  Now it so happened, that having been about seven months on
+board of the Mendacious, Jack had one day received a summons to dine
+with the Admiral, for the steward had ordered a roast goose for dinner,
+and knew not only that Jack was partial to it, but also that Jack was
+the Admiral's nephew, which always goes for something on board of a
+flag-ship.  Just before they were sitting down to table, the Admiral
+wishing to know how the wind was, and having been not a little vexed
+with the slow progress of his nephew's nautical acquirements, said,
+"Now, Mr Littlebrain, go up, and bring me down word how the wind is;
+and mark me, as, when you are sent, nine times out of ten you make a
+mistake, I shall now bet you five guineas against your dinner, that you
+make a mistake this time: so now be off and we will soon ascertain
+whether you lose your dinner or I lose my money.  Sit down, gentlemen,
+we will not wait for Mr Littlebrain."
+
+Jack did not much admire this bet on the part of his uncle, but still
+less did he like the want of good manners in not waiting for him.  He
+had just time to see the covers removed, to scent a whiff of the goose,
+and was off.
+
+"The Admiral wants to know how the wind is, sir," said Jack to the
+officer of the watch.
+
+The officer of the watch went to the binnacle, and setting the wind as
+nearly as he could, replied, "Tell Sir Theophilus that it is _South West
+and by West three-quarters West_."
+
+"That's one of those confounded long points that I never can remember,"
+cried Jack, in despair.
+
+"Then you'll `get goose,' as the saying is," observed one of the
+midshipmen.
+
+"No; I'm afraid that I sha'n't get any," replied Jack, despondingly.
+"What did he say, South West and by North three-quarters East?"
+
+"Not exactly," replied his messmate, who was a good-natured lad, and
+laughed heartily at Jack's version.  "South West and by West
+three-quarters West."
+
+"I never can remember it," cried Jack.  "I'm to have five guineas if I
+do, and no dinner if I don't: and if I stay here much longer, I shall
+get no dinner at all events, for they are all terribly peckish, and
+there will be none left."
+
+"Well, if you'll give me one of the guineas, I'll show you how to manage
+it," said the midshipman.
+
+"I'll give you two, if you'll only be quick and the goose a'nt all
+gone," replied Jack.
+
+The midshipman wrote down the point from which the wind blew, at full
+length, upon a bit of paper, and pinned it to the rim of Jack's hat.
+"Now," said he, "when you go into the cabin, you can hold your hat so as
+to read it, without their perceiving you."
+
+"Well, so I can; I never should have thought of that," said Jack.
+
+"You hav'n't wit enough," replied the midshipman.
+
+"Well I see no wit in the compass," replied Jack.
+
+"Nevertheless, it's full of point," replied the midshipman: "now be
+quick."
+
+Our hero's eyes served him well, if his memory was treacherous and as he
+entered the cabin door he bowed over his hat very politely and said, as
+he read it off, "South West and by West three-quarters West," and then
+he added, without reading at all, "if you please, Sir Theophilus."
+
+"Steward," said the Admiral, "tell the officer of the watch to step
+down."
+
+"How's the wind, Mr Growler?"
+
+"South West and by West three-quarters West," replied the officer.
+
+"Then, Mr Littlebrain, you have won your five guineas, and may now sit
+down and enjoy your dinner."
+
+Our hero was not slow in obeying the order, and ventured, upon the
+strength of his success, to send his plate twice for goose.  Having
+eaten their dinner, drunk their wine, and taken their coffee, the
+officers, at the same time, took the hint which invariably accompanies
+the latter beverage, made their bows and retreated.  As Jack was
+following his seniors out of the cabin, the Admiral put the sum which he
+had staked into his hands, observing, that "it was an ill wind that blew
+nobody good."
+
+So thought Jack, who, having faithfully paid the midshipman the two
+guineas for his assistance, was now on the poop keeping his watch, as
+midshipmen usually do; that is, stretched out on the signal lockers, and
+composing himself to sleep after the most approved fashion, answering
+the winks of the stars by blinks of his eyes, until at last he shut them
+to keep them warm.  But, before he had quite composed himself, he
+thought of the goose and the five guineas.  The wind was from the same
+quarter, blowing soft and mild; Jack laid in a sort of reverie, as it
+fanned his cheek, for the weather was close and sultry.
+
+"Well," muttered Jack to himself, "I do love that point of the compass,
+at all events, and I think that I never shall forget South West and by
+West three-quarters West.  No I never--never liked one before, though--"
+
+"Is that true?" whispered a gentle voice in his ear; "do you love `South
+West and by West three-quarters West,' and will you, as you say, never
+forget her?"
+
+"Why, what's that?" said Jack, opening his eyes, and turning half round
+on his side.
+
+"It's me--`South West and by West three-quarters West,' that you say you
+love."
+
+Littlebrain raised himself and looked round;--there was no one on the
+poop except himself and two or three of the after-guard, who were lying
+down between the guns.
+
+"Why, who was it that spoke?" said Jack, much astonished.
+
+"It was the wind you love, and who has long loved you," replied the same
+voice; "do you wish to see me?"
+
+"See you,--see the wind?--I've been already sent on that message by the
+midshipmen," thought Jack.
+
+"Do you love me as you say, and as I love you?" continued the voice.
+
+"Well, I like you better than any other point of the compass, and I'm
+sure I never thought I should like one of them," replied Jack.
+
+"That will not do for me; will you love only me?"
+
+"I'm not likely to love the others," replied Jack, shutting his eyes
+again; "I _hate_ them all."
+
+"And love me?"
+
+"Well, I do love you, that's a fact," replied Jack, as he thought of the
+goose and the five guineas.
+
+"Then look round, and you shall see me," said the soft voice.
+
+Jack, who hardly knew whether he was asleep or awake, did at this
+summons once more take the trouble to open his eyes, and beheld a fairy
+female figure, pellucid as water, yet apparently possessing substance;
+her features were beautifully soft and mild, and her outline trembled
+and shifted as it were, waving gently to and fro.  It smiled sweetly,
+hung over him, played with his chestnut curls, softly touched his hips
+with her own, passed her trembling fingers over his cheeks, and its warm
+breath appeared as if it melted into his.  Then it grew more bold,--
+embraced his person, searched into his neck and collar, as if curious to
+examine him.
+
+Jack felt a pleasure and gratification which he could not well
+comprehend: once more the charmer's lips trembled upon his own, now
+remaining for a moment, now withdrawing, again returning to kiss and
+kiss again, and once more did the soft voice put the question,--"Do you
+love me?"
+
+"Better than goose," replied Jack.
+
+"I don't know who goose may be," replied the fairy form, as she tossed
+about Jack's waving locks; "you must love only me; promise me that
+before I am relieved."
+
+"What, have you got the first watch, as well as me?" replied Jack.
+
+"I am on duty just now, but I shall not be so long.  We southerly winds
+are never kept long in one place; some of my sisters will probably be
+sent here soon."
+
+"I don't understand what you talk about," replied Jack.  "Suppose you
+tell me who you are, and what you are, and I'll do all I can to keep
+awake; I don't know how it is, but I've felt more inclined to go to
+sleep since you have been fanning me about, than I did before."
+
+"Then I will remain by your side while you listen to me.  I am, as I
+told you, a wind--"
+
+"That's puzzling," said Jack, interrupting her.
+
+"My name is `South West and by West three-quarters West.'"
+
+"Yes, and a very long name it is.  If you wish me to remember you, you
+should have had a shorter one."
+
+This ruffled the wind a little, and she blew rather sharp into the
+corner of Jack's eye,--however, she proceeded,--
+
+"You are a sailor, and of course you know all the winds on the compass
+by name."
+
+"I wish I did; but I don't," replied Littlebrain, "I can recollect you,
+and not one other."
+
+Again the wind trembled with delight on his lips, and she
+proceeded:--"You know that there are thirty-two points on the compass,
+and these points are divided into quarters; so that there are, in fact,
+128 different winds."
+
+"There are more than I could ever remember; I know that," said Jack.
+
+"Well, we are in all 128.  All the winds which have northerly in them,
+are coarse and ugly; all the southern winds are pretty."
+
+"You don't say so?" replied our hero.
+
+"We are summoned to blow, as required, but the hardest duty generally
+falls to the northerly winds, as it should do, for they are the
+strongest; although we southerly winds can--blow hard enough when we
+choose.  Our characters are somewhat different.  The most unhappy in
+disposition, and I may say, the most malevolent, are the north and
+easterly winds; the North West winds are powerful, but not unkind; the
+South East winds vary, but, at all events, we of the South West are
+considered the mildest and most beneficent.  Do you understand me?"
+
+"Not altogether.  You're going right round the compass, and I never
+could make it out, that's a fact.  I hear what you say, but I cannot
+promise to recollect it; I can only recollect South West and by West
+three-quarters West."
+
+"I care only for your recollecting me; if you do that, you may forget
+all the rest.  Now you see we South Wests are summer winds, and are
+seldom required but in this season; I have often blown over your ship
+these last three months, and I always have lingered near you, for I
+loved you."
+
+"Thank you--now go on, for seven bells have struck sometime, and I shall
+be going to turn in.  Is your watch out?"
+
+"No, I shall blow for some hours longer.  Why will you leave me--why
+wo'n't you stay on deck with me?"
+
+"What, stay on deck after my watch is out!  No, if I do, blow me!  We
+midshipmen never do that--but I say, why can't you come down with me,
+and turn in my hammock; it's close to the hatchway, and you can easily
+do it."
+
+"Well, I will, upon one promise.  You say that you love me, now I'm very
+jealous, for we winds are always supplanting one another.  Promise me
+that you will never mention any other wind in the compass but me, for if
+you do, they may come to you, and if I hear of it I'll blow the masts
+out of your ship, that I will."
+
+"You don't say so?" replied Jack, surveying her fragile, trembling form.
+
+"Yes, I will, and on a lee shore too; so that the ship shall go to
+pieces on the rocks, and the Admiral and every soul on board her be
+drowned."
+
+"No, you wouldn't, would you?" said our hero, astonished.
+
+"Not if you promise me.  Then I'll come to you and pour down your
+windsails, and dry your washed clothes as they hang on the rigging, and
+just ripple the waves as you glide along, and hang upon the lips of my
+dear love, and press him in my arms.  Promise me, then, on no account
+ever to recollect or mention any other wind but me."
+
+"Well, I think I may promise that," replied Jack, "I'm very clever at
+forgetting; and then you'll come to my hammock, won't you, and sleep
+with me? you'll be a nice cool bedfellow these warm nights."
+
+"I can't sleep on my watch as midshipmen do; but I'll watch you while
+you sleep, and I'll fan your cheeks, and keep you cool and comfortable,
+till I'm relieved."
+
+"And when you go, when will you come again?"
+
+"That I cannot tell--when I'm summoned; and I shall wait with
+impatience, that you may be sure of."
+
+"There's eight bells," said Jack, starting up; "I must go down and call
+the officer of the middle watch; but I'll soon turn in, for my relief is
+not so big as myself, and I can thrash him."
+
+Littlebrain was as good as his word; he cut down his relief; and then
+thrashed him for venturing to expostulate.  The consequence was, that in
+ten minutes he was in his hammock, and "South West and by West
+three-quarters West" came gently down the hatchway, and rested in his
+arms.  Jack soon fell fast asleep, and when he was wakened up the next
+morning by the quarter-master, his bedfellow was no longer there.  A
+mate inquiring how the wind was, was answered by the quartermaster that
+they had a fresh breeze from the North North West, by which Jack
+understood that his sweetheart was no longer on duty.
+
+Our hero had passed such a happy night with his soft and kind companion,
+that he could think of nothing else; he longed for her to come again,
+and, to the surprise of everybody, was now perpetually making inquiries
+as to the wind which blew.  He thought of her continually; and in fact
+was as much in love with "South West and by West three-quarters West" as
+he possibly could be.  She came again--once more did he enjoy her
+delightful company; again she slept with him in his hammock, and then,
+after a short stay, she was relieved by another.
+
+We do not intend to accuse the wind of inconstancy, as that was not her
+fault; nor of treachery, for she loved dearly; nor of violence, for she
+was all softness and mildness; but we do say, that "South West and by
+West three-quarters West" was the occasion of Jack being very often in a
+scrape, for our hero kept his word; he forgot all other winds, and, with
+him, there was no other except his dear "South West and by West
+three-quarters West."  It must be admitted of Jack, that, at all events,
+he showed great perseverance, for he stuck to his point.
+
+Our hero would argue with his messmates, for it is not those who are
+most capable of arguing who are most fond of it; and, like all arguers
+not very brilliant, he would flounder and diverge away right and left,
+just as the flaws of ideas came into his head.
+
+"What nonsense it is your talking that way," would his opponent say;
+"why don't you come to the point?"
+
+"And so I do," cried Jack.
+
+"Well, then, what is your point?"
+
+"South West and by West three-quarters West," replied our hero.
+
+Who could reply to this?  But in every instance, and through every
+difficulty, our hero kept his promise, until his uncle Sir Theophilus
+was very undecided, whether he should send him home to be locked up in a
+Lunatic Asylum, or bring him on in the service to the rank of
+post-captain.  Upon mature consideration, however, as a man in Bedlam is
+a very useless member of society, and a tee-total non-productive,
+whereas a captain in the navy is a responsible agent, the Admiral came
+to the conclusion, that Littlebrain must follow up his destiny.
+
+At last, Jack was set down as the greatest fool in the ship, and was
+pointed out as such.  The ladies observed, that such might possibly be
+the case, but at all events he was the handsomest young man in the
+Mediterranean fleet.  We believe that both parties were correct in their
+assertions.
+
+Time flies--even a midshipman's time, which does not fly quite so fast
+as his money--and the time came for Mr Littlebrain's examination.  Sir
+Theophilus, who now commanded the whole fleet, was almost in despair.
+How was it possible that a man could navigate a ship, with only one
+quarter point of the compass in his head?
+
+Sir Theophilus scratched his wig; and the disposition of the
+Mediterranean fleet, so important to the country, was altered according
+to the dispositions of the captains who commanded the ships.  In those
+days, there were martinets in the service; officers who never overlooked
+an offence, or permitted the least deviation from strict duty; who were
+generally hated, but at the same time were most valuable to the service.
+As for his nephew passing his examination before any of those of the
+first or second, or even of the third degree, the Admiral knew that it
+was impossible.  The consequence was, that one was sent away on a
+mission to Genoa, about nothing; another to watch for vessels never
+expected, off Sardinia; two more to cruise after a French frigate which
+had never been built: and thus, by degrees, did the Admiral arrange, so
+as obtain a set of officers sufficiently pliant to allow his nephew to
+creep under the gate which barred his promotion, and which he never
+could have vaulted over.  So the signal was made--our hero went on
+board--his uncle had not forgotten the propriety of a little _douceur_
+on the occasion; and, as the turkeys were all gone, three couple of
+geese were sent in the same boat, as a present to each of the three
+passing captains.  Littlebrain's heart failed him as he pulled to the
+ship; even the geese hissed at him, as much as to say, "If you were not
+such a stupid ass, we might have been left alive in our coops."  There
+was a great deal of truth in that remark, if they did say so.
+
+Nothing could have been made more easy for Littlebrain than his
+examination.  The questions had all been arranged beforehand; and some
+kind friend had given him all the answers written down.  The passing
+captains apparently suffered from the heat of the weather, and each had
+his hand on his brow, looking down on the table at the time that
+Littlebrain gave his answers, so that of course they did not observe
+that he was reading them off.  As soon as Littlebrain had given his
+answer, and had had sufficient time to drop his paper under the table,
+the captains felt better and looked up again.
+
+There were but eight questions for our hero to answer.  Seven had been
+satisfactorily got through; then came the eighth, a very simple
+one:--"What is your course and distance from Ushant to the Start?"  This
+question having been duly put, the captains were again in deep
+meditation, shrouding their eyes with the palms of their hands.
+
+Littlebrain had his answer--he looked at the paper.  What could be more
+simple than to reply?--and then the captains would have all risen up,
+shaken him by the hand, complimented him upon the talent he had
+displayed, sent their compliments to the commander-in-chief, and their
+thanks for the geese.  Jack was just answering, "North--"
+
+"Recollect your promise!" cried a soft voice, which Jack well
+recollected.
+
+Jack stammered--the captains were mute--and waited patiently.
+
+"I must say it," muttered Jack.
+
+"You shan't," replied the little Wind.
+
+"Indeed I must," said Jack, "or I shall be turned back."
+
+The captains, surprised at this delay and the muttering of Jack, looked
+up, and one of them gently inquired if Mr Littlebrain had not dropped
+his handkerchief or something under the table!  And then they again
+fixed their eyes upon the green cloth.
+
+"If you dare, I'll never see you again," cried "South West and by West
+three-quarters West,"--"never come to your hammock,--but I'll blow the
+ship on shore, every soul shall be lost, Admiral and all; recollect your
+promise!"
+
+"Then I shall never pass," replied Jack.
+
+"Do you think that any other point in the compass shall pass you except
+me?--never!  I am too jealous for that.  Come now, dearest!" and the
+Wind again deliciously trembled upon the lips of our hero, who could no
+longer resist.
+
+"South West and by West three-quarters West," exclaimed Jack firmly.
+
+"You have made a slight mistake, Mr Littlebrain," said one of the
+captains.  "_Look_ again--I meant to say, _think again_."
+
+"South West and by West three-quarters West," again repeated Jack.
+
+"Dearest, how I love you!" whispered the soft Wind.
+
+"Why, Mr Littlebrain," said one of the captains--for Jack had actually
+laid the paper down on the table--"what's in the wind now?"
+
+"She's obstinate," replied Jack.
+
+"You appear to be so, at all events," replied the captain.  "Pray try
+once more."
+
+"I have it!" thought Jack, who tore off the last answer from his paper.
+"I gained five guineas by that plan once before."  He then handed the
+bit of paper to the passing captain: "I believe that's right, sir," said
+our hero.
+
+"Yes, that is right; but could you not have said it instead of writing
+it, Mr Littlebrain?"
+
+Jack made no reply; his little sweetheart pouted a little, but said
+nothing; it was an evasion which she did not like.  A few seconds of
+consultation then took place, as a matter of form.  Each captain asked
+of the other if he was perfectly satisfied as to Mr Littlebrain's
+capabilities, and the reply was in the affirmative; and they were
+perfectly satisfied, that he was either a fool or a madman.  However, as
+we have had both in the service by way of precedent, Jack was added to
+the list, and the next day was appointed lieutenant.
+
+Our hero did his duty as lieutenant of the forecastle; and as all the
+duty of that officer is, when hailed from the quarterdeck, to answer,
+"_Ay, ay, sir_," he got on without making many mistakes.  And now he was
+very happy; no one dared to call him a fool except his uncle; he had his
+own cabin, and many was the time, that his dear little "South West and
+by West three-quarters West" would come in by the scuttle, and nestle by
+his side.
+
+"You won't see so much of me soon, dearest," said she one morning,
+gravely.
+
+"Why not, my soft one?" replied Jack.
+
+"Don't you recollect that the winter months are coming on?"
+
+"So they are," replied Jack.  "Well, I shall long for you back."
+
+And Jack did long, and long very much, for he loved his dear wind and
+the fine weather which accompanied her.  Winter came on and heavy gales
+and rain, and thunder and lightning; nothing but double-reefed
+top-sails, and wearing in succession; and our hero walked the
+forecastle, and thought of his favourite wind.  The North East winds
+came down furiously, and the weather was bitter cold.  The officers
+shook the rain and spray off their garments when their watch was over,
+and called for grog.
+
+"Steward, a glass of grog," cried one; "and let it be strong."
+
+"The same for me," said Jack; "only, I'll mix it myself."
+
+Jack poured out the rum till the tumbler was half full.
+
+"Why, Littlebrain," said his messmate, "that is a dose; that's what we
+call a regular _Nor-wester_."
+
+"Is it?" replied Jack.  "Well then, Nor-westers suit me exactly, and I
+shall stick to them like cobblers' wax."
+
+And during the whole of the winter months our hero showed a great
+predilection for Nor-westers.
+
+It was in the latter end of February that there was a heavy gale; it had
+blown furiously from the northward for three days, and then it paused
+and panted as if out of breath--no wonder!  And then the wind shifted,
+and shifted again, with squalls and heavy rain, until it blew from every
+quarter of the compass.
+
+Our hero's watch was over, and he came down and called for a
+"Nor-wester" as usual.
+
+"How is the wind now?" asked the first lieutenant the master, who came
+down dripping wet.
+
+"South South West, but drawing now fast to the Westward," said old
+Spunyarn.
+
+And so it was; and it veered round until "South West and by West
+three-quarters _West_," with an angry gust, came down the sky-light, and
+blowing strongly into our hero's ear, cried,--
+
+"Oh, you false one!"
+
+"False!" exclaimed Jack.  "What! you here, and so angry too?  What's the
+matter?"
+
+"What's the matter!--do you think I don't know?  What have you been
+doing over since I was away, comforting yourself during my absence with
+_Nor-westers_?"
+
+"Why, you an't jealous of a Nor-wester, are you?" replied Littlebrain.
+"I confess, I'm rather partial to them."
+
+"What! this to my face!--I'll never come again, without you promise me
+that you will have nothing to do with them, and never call for one
+again.  Be quick--I cannot stay more than two minutes; for it is hard
+work now, and we relieve quick--say the word."
+
+"Well, then," replied Littlebrain, "you've no objection to
+_half-and-half_?"
+
+"None in the world; that's quite another thing, and has nothing to do
+with the wind."
+
+"It has, though," thought Jack, "for it gets a man in the wind; but I
+won't tell her so; and," continued he, "you don't mind a raw nip, do
+you?"
+
+"No--I care for nothing except a Nor-wester."
+
+"I'll never call for one again," replied Jack; "it is but making my grog
+a little stronger; in future it shall be _half-and-half_."
+
+"That's a dear!  Now I'm off--don't forget me;" and away went the wind
+in a great hurry.
+
+It was about three months after this short visit, the fleet being off
+Corsica, that our hero was walking the deck, thinking that he soon
+should see the object of his affections, when a privateer brig was
+discovered at anchor a few miles from Bastia.  The signal was made for
+the boats of the fleet to cut her out; and the Admiral, wishing that his
+nephew should distinguish himself somehow, gave him the command of one
+of the finest boats.  Now Jack was as brave as brave could be; he did
+not know what danger was; he hadn't wit enough to perceive it, and there
+was no doubt but he would distinguish himself.  The boats went on the
+service.  Jack was the very first on board, cheering his men as he
+darted into the closed ranks of his opponents.  Whether it was that he
+did not think that his head was worth defending, or that he was too busy
+in breaking the heads of others to look after his own this is certain,
+that a tomahawk descended upon it with such force as to bury itself in
+his skull (and his was a thick skull too).  The privateer's men were
+overpowered by numbers, and then our hero was discovered, under a pile
+of bodies, still breathing heavily.  He was hoisted on board, and taken
+into his uncle's cabin: the surgeon shook his head when he had examined
+that of our hero.
+
+"It must have been a most tremendous blow," said he to the Admiral, "to
+have penetrated--"
+
+"It must have been, indeed," replied the Admiral, as the tears rolled
+down his cheeks; for he loved his nephew.
+
+The surgeon having done all that his art would enable him, left the
+cabin to attend to the others who were hurt; the Admiral also went on
+the quarter-deck, walking to and fro for an hour in a melancholy mood.
+He returned to the cabin, and bent over his nephew; Jack opened his
+eyes.
+
+"My dear fellow," said the Admiral, "how's your head now?"
+
+"_South West and by West three-quarters West_," faintly exclaimed our
+hero, constant in death, as he turned a little on one side and expired.
+
+It was three days afterwards, as the fleet were on a wind, making for
+Malta, that the bell of the ship tolled, and a body, sewed up in a
+hammock and covered with the Union Jack, was carried to the gangway by
+the Admiral's bargemen.  It had been a dull cloudy day, with little
+wind; the hands were turned up, the officers and men stood uncovered;
+the Admiral in advance with his arms folded, as the chaplain read the
+funeral service over the body of our hero,--and as the service
+proceeded, the sails flapped, for the wind had shifted a little; a
+motion was made, by the hand of the officer of the watch, to the man at
+the helm to let the ship go off the wind, that the service might not be
+disturbed, and a mizzling soft rain descended.  The wind had shifted to
+our hero's much loved _point_, his fond mistress had come to mourn over
+the loss of her dearest, and the rain that descended were the tears
+which she shed at the death of her handsome but not over-gifted lover.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY THREE.
+
+ILL-WILL.
+
+Dramatis Personae.
+
+MR CADAVEROUS, _An old miser, very rich and very ill_.
+
+EDWARD, _A young lawyer without a brief_.
+
+MR HAUSTUS GUMARABIC, _Apothecary_.
+
+SEEDY, _Solicitor_.
+
+THOMAS MONTAGUE, JOHN MONTAGUE, _Nephews to Mr Cadaverous_.
+
+JAMES STERLING, WILLIAM STERLING, _nephews twice removed to Mr
+Cadaverous_.
+
+CLEMENTINA MONTAGU, _Niece to Mr Cadaverous_.
+
+Mrs JELLYBAGS, _Housekeeper and nurse_.
+
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+ACT ONE.
+
+Scene.--_A sick room_.--Mr CADAVEROUS _in an easy chair asleep,
+supported by cushions, wrapped up in his dressing-gown, a night-cap on
+his head.--A small table with phials, gallipots, etcetera_.--Mrs
+JELLYBAGS _seated on a chair close to the table_.
+
+[Mrs JELLYBAGS _looks at_ Mr CADAVEROUS, _and then comes forward_.] He
+sleeps yet--the odious old miser!  Mercy on me, how I do hate him,--
+almost as much as he loves his money! there's one comfort, he cannot
+take his money-bags with him, and the doctor says that he cannot last
+much longer.  Ten years have I been his slave--ten years have I been
+engaged to be married to Sergeant Major O'Callaghan of the Blues--ten
+years has he kept me waiting at the porch of Hymen,--and what thousands
+of couples have I seen enter during the time!  Oh dear! its enough to
+drive a widow mad.  I think I have managed it;--he has now quarrelled
+with all his relations, and Dr Gumarabic intends this day to suggest
+the propriety of his making his last will and testament.  (Mr
+CADAVEROUS, _still asleep, coughs_.)  He is waking, (_Looks at him_.)
+No, he is not.  Well, then, I shall wake him, and give him a draught,
+for, after such a comfortable sleep as he is now in, he might last a
+whole week longer.  (_Goes up to_ Mr CADAVEROUS, _and shakes him_.)
+
+Mr CAD.  (_starting up_.)  Ugh ugh! ugh!  (_coughs violently_.)  Oh!
+Mrs Jellybags, I'm so ill.  Ugh! ugh!
+
+JEL.  My dear, dear sir! now don't say so.  I was in hopes, after such a
+nice long sleep you would have found yourself so much better.
+
+CAD.  Long sleep! oh dear!--I'm sure I've not slept ten minutes.
+
+JEL.  (_aside_.)  I know that.  (_Aloud_.)  Indeed, my dear sir, you are
+mistaken.  Time passes very quick when we are fast asleep.  I have been
+watching you and keeping the flies off.  But you must now take your
+draught, my dear sir, and your pill first.
+
+CAD.  What! more pills and more draughts!  Why, there's no end to them.
+
+JEL.  Yes, there will be, by and by, my dear sir.  You know Doctor
+Gumarabic has ordered you take one pill and one draught every half hour.
+
+CAD.  And so I have--never missed one for the last six weeks--woke up
+for them day and night.  I feel very weak--very weak, indeed!  Don't you
+think I might eat something, my dear Mrs Jellybags?
+
+JEL.  Eat, my dear Mr Cadaverous!--how can you ask me, when you know
+that Doctor Gumarabic says that it would be the death of you?
+
+CAD.  Only the wing of a chicken,--or a bit of the breast--
+
+JEL.  Impossible!
+
+CAD.  A bit of dry toast, then; any thing, my dear Mrs Jellybags.  I've
+such a gnawing--Ugh! ugh!
+
+JEL.  My dear sir, you would die if you swallowed the least thing that's
+nourishing.
+
+CAD.  I'm sure I shall die if I do not.  Well, then, a little soup--I
+should like that very much indeed.
+
+JEL.  Soup! it would be poison, my dear sir!  No, no.  You must take
+your pill and your draught.
+
+CAD.  Oh dear! oh dear!--Forty-eight pills and forty-eight draughts
+every twenty-four hours!--not a wink of sleep day or night.
+
+JEL.  (_soothingly_.)  But it's to make you well, you know, my dear Mr
+Cadaverous.  Come, now.  (_Hands him a pill and some water in a
+tumbler_.)
+
+CAD.  The last one is hardly down yet;--I feel it sticking half-way.
+Ugh! ugh!
+
+JEL.  Then wash them both down at once.  Come, now, 'tis to make you
+well, you know.
+
+CADAVEROUS _takes the pill with a wry face, and coughs it up again_.
+
+CAD.  Ugh! ugh!  There--it's up again.  Oh dear! oh dear!
+
+JEL.  You must take it, my dear sir.  Come, now, try again.
+
+CAD.  (_coughing_.)  My cough is so bad.  (_Takes the pill_.)  Oh, my
+poor head!  Now I'll lie down again.
+
+JEL.  Not yet, my dear Mr Cadaverous.  You must take your draught;--
+it's to make you well, you know.
+
+CAD.  What! another draught?  I'm sure I must have twenty draughts in my
+inside, besides two boxes of pills!
+
+JEL.  Come, now--it will be down in a minute.
+
+[CADAVEROUS _takes the wine-glass in his hand, and looks at it with
+abhorrence_.]
+
+JEL.  Come, now.
+
+[CADAVEROUS _swallows the draught, and feels very sick, puts his
+handkerchief to his mouth, and, after a time, sinks back in the chair
+quite exhausted, and shuts his eyes_.]
+
+JEL.  (_aside_.)  I wish the doctor would come.  It's high time that he
+made his will.
+
+CAD.  (_drawing up his leg_.)  Oh! oh! oh!
+
+JEL.  What's the matter, my dear Mr Cadaverous.
+
+CAD.  Oh! such pain!--oh! rub it, Mrs Jellybags.
+
+JEL.  What, here, my dear sir?  (_Rubs his knee_.)
+
+CAD.  No, no!--Not there!--Oh, my hip!
+
+JEL.  What, here?  (_Rubs his hip_.)
+
+CAD.  No, no!--higher--higher!  Oh, my side!
+
+JEL.  What, here?  (_Rubs his side_.)
+
+CAD.  No!--lower!
+
+JEL.  Here?  (_Rubbing_.)
+
+CAD.  No!--higher!--Oh, my chest!--my stomach!  Oh dear!--oh dear!
+
+JEL.  Are you better now, my dear sir?
+
+CAD.  Oh dear! oh!  I do believe that I shall die!  I've been a very
+wicked man, I'm afraid.
+
+JEL.  Don't say so, Mr Cadaverous.  Every one but your nephews and
+nieces say that you are the best man in the world.
+
+CAD.  Do they?  I was afraid that I had not been quite so good as they
+think I am.
+
+JEL.  I'd like to hear any one say to the contrary.  I'd tear their eyes
+out,--that I would.
+
+CAD.  You are a good woman, Mrs Jellybags; and I shall not forget you
+in my will.
+
+JEL.  Don't mention wills, my dear sir.  You make me so miserable.
+(_Puts her handkerchief to her eyes_.)
+
+CAD.  Don't cry, Mrs Jellybags.  I won't talk any more about it.
+(_Sinks back exhausted_.)
+
+JEL.  (_wiping her eyes_.)  Here comes Dr Gumarabic.
+
+_Enter_ GUMARABIC.
+
+GUM.  Good morning, Mistress Jellybags.  Well, how's our patient?--
+better?--heh?
+
+[Mrs JELLYBAGS _shakes her head_.]
+
+GUM.  No: well, that's odd.  (_Goes up to_ Mr CADAVEROUS.)  Not better,
+my dear sir?--don't you feel stronger?
+
+CAD.  (_faintly_.)  Oh, no!
+
+GUM.  Not stronger!  Let us feel the pulse.  [Mrs JELLYBAGS _hands a
+chair, and_ GUMARABIC _sits down, pulls out his watch, and counts_.]
+Intermittent--135--well, now--that's very odd!  Mrs Jellybags, have you
+adhered punctually to my prescriptions?
+
+JEL.  Oh yes, sir, exactly.
+
+GUM.  He has eaten nothing?
+
+CAD.  Nothing at all.
+
+GUM.  And don't feel stronger?  Odd--very odd!  Pray, has he had any
+thing in the way of drink?  Come, Mrs Jellybags, no disguise,--tell the
+truth;--no soup--warm jelly--heh?
+
+JEL.  No, sir; upon my word, he has had nothing.
+
+GUM.  Humph?--and yet feels no stronger?  Well, that's odd!--Has he
+taken the pill every half-hour?
+
+JEL.  Yes, sir, regularly.
+
+GUM.  And feels no better!  Are you sure that he has had his draught
+with his pill?
+
+JEL.  Every time, sir.
+
+GUM.  And feels no better!  Well, that's odd!--very odd, indeed!
+(_Rises and comes forward with_ Mrs JELLYBAGS.)  We must throw in some
+more draughts, Mrs Jellybags; there is no time to be lost.
+
+JEL.  I am afraid he's much worse, sir.
+
+GUM.  I am not at all afraid of it, Mrs Jellybags,--I am sure of it;--
+it's very odd,--but the fact is, that all the physic in the world won't
+save him; but still he must take it,--because--physic was made to be
+taken.
+
+JEL.  Very true, sir.  (_Whispers to_ GUMARABIC.)
+
+GUM.  Ah! yes;--very proper.  (_Going to_ Mr CADAVEROUS.)  My dear sir,
+I have done my best; nevertheless, you are ill,--very ill,--which is
+odd,--very odd!  It is not pleasant,--I may say, very unpleasant,--but
+if you have any little worldly affairs to settle,--will to make,--or a
+codocil to add, in favour of your good nurse, your doctor, or so on,--it
+might be as well to send for your lawyer;--there is no saying, but,
+during my practice, I have sometimes found that people die.  After all
+the physic you have taken, it certainly is odd--very odd--very odd,
+indeed;--but you might die to-morrow.
+
+CAD.  Oh dear!--I'm very ill.
+
+JEL.  (_sobbing_.)  Oh dear! oh dear!--he's very ill.
+
+GUM.  (_comes forward, shrugging up his shoulders_.)  Yes; he is ill--
+very ill;--to-morrow, dead as mutton!  At all events he has not died for
+want of physic.  We must throw in some more draughts immediately;--no
+time to be lost.  Life is short,--but my bill will be long--very long!
+
+                                               [_Exit as scene closes_.]
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+Act 2.
+
+SCENE 1.--_Enter_ CLEMENTINA, _with a letter in her hand_.
+
+CLEM.  I have just received a letter from my dear Edward: he knows of my
+uncle's danger, and is anxious to see me.  I expect him immediately.  I
+hope he will not be seen by Mrs Jellybags as he comes in, for she would
+try to make more mischief than than she has already.  Dear Edward! how
+he loves me!  (_Kisses the letter_.)
+
+_Enter_ EDWARD.
+
+EDW.  My lovely, my beautiful, my adored Clementina!  I have called upon
+Mr Gumarabic, who tells me that your uncle cannot live through the
+twenty-four hours, and I have flown here, my sweetest, dearest, to--to--
+
+CLEM.  To see me, Edward: surely there needs no excuse for coming?
+
+EDW.  To reiterate my ardent, pure, and unchangeable affection, my
+dearest Clementina to assure you, that in sickness or in health, for
+richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, as they say in the
+marriage ceremony, I am yours till death us do part.
+
+CLEM.  I accept the vow, dearest Edward.  You know too well my heart for
+me to say more.
+
+EDW.  I do know your heart, Clementina, as it is,--nor do I think it
+possible that you could change;--still, sometimes--that is for a moment
+when I call to mind that, by your uncle's death, as his favourite niece,
+living with him for so many years, you may soon find yourself in
+possession of thousands,--and that titled men may lay their coronets at
+your feet,--then, Clementina--
+
+CLEM.  Ungenerous and unkind!--Edward, I almost hate you.  Is a little
+money, then, to sway my affections?  Shame, Edward, shame on you!  Is
+such your opinion of my constancy?  (_Weeps_.)  You must judge me by
+your own heart.
+
+EDW.  Clementina! dearest Clementina!--I did!--but rather--that is,--I
+was not in earnest;--but when we value any object as I value you,--it
+may be forgiven, if I feel at times a little jealous;--yes, dearest,
+jealous!
+
+CLEM.  'Twas jealousy then, Edward, which made you so unkind?  Well,
+then, I can forgive that.
+
+EDW.  Nothing but jealousy, dearest!  I cannot help, at times,
+representing you surrounded by noble admirers,--all of them suing to
+you,--not for yourself, but for your money, tempting you with their
+rank;--and it makes me jealous, horribly jealous!  I cannot compete with
+lords, Clementina,--a poor barrister without a brief.
+
+CLEM.  I have loved you for yourself, Edward.  I trust you have done the
+same toward me.
+
+EDW.  Yes; upon my soul, my Clementina!
+
+CLEM.  Then my uncle's disposition of his property will make no
+difference in me.  For your sake, my dear Edward, I hope he will not
+forget me.  What's that?  Mrs Jellybags is coming out of the room.
+Haste, Edward;--you must not be seen here.  Away, dearest!--and may God
+bless you.
+
+EDW.  (_kisses her hand_.)  Heaven preserve my adored, my matchless,
+ever-to-be-loved Clementina.
+
+                                                  [_Exeunt separately_.]
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+SCENE 2.--_The sick room_--Mr CADAVEROUS, _lying on sofa-bed_--Mr
+SEEDY, _the lawyer, sitting by his side, with papers on the table before
+him_.
+
+SEEDY.  I believe now, sir, that every thing is arranged in your will
+according to your instructions.  Shall I read it over again; for
+although signed and witnessed, you may make any alteration you please by
+a codicil.
+
+CAD.  No, no.  You have read it twice, Mr Seedy, and you may leave me
+now.  I am ill, very ill, and wish to be alone.
+
+SEEDY (_folds up his papers and rises_.)  I take my leave, Mr
+Cadaverous, trusting to be long employed as your solicitor.
+
+CAD.  Afraid not, Mr Seedy.  Lawyers have no great interest in heaven.
+Your being my solicitor will not help me there.
+
+SEEDY (_coming forward as he goes out_.)  Not a sixpence to his legal
+adviser!  Well, well!  I know how to make out a bill for the executors.
+
+                             [_Exit_ SEEDY, _and enter_ Mrs JELLYBAGS.]
+JEL.  (_with her handkerchief to her eyes_.)  Oh dear! oh dear! oh, Mr
+Cadaverous, how can you fatigue and annoy yourself with such things as
+wills?
+
+CAD.  (_faintly_.)  Don't cry, Mrs Jellybags.  I've not forgotten you.
+
+JEL.  (_sobbing_.)  I can't--help--crying.  And there's Miss
+Clementina,--now that you are dying,--who insists upon coming in to see
+you.
+
+CAD.  Clementina, my niece, let her come in, Mrs Jellybags; I feel I'm
+going fast,--I may as well take leave of every body.
+
+JEL.  (_sobbing_.)  Oh dear! oh dear!  You may come in, Miss.
+
+_Enter_ CLEMENTINA.
+
+CLEM.  My dear uncle, why have you, for so many days, refused me
+admittance?  Every morning have I asked to be allowed to come and nurse
+you, and for more than three weeks have received a positive refusal.
+
+CAD.  Refusal!  Why I never had a message from you.
+
+CLEM.  No message!  Every day I have sent, and every day did Mrs
+Jellybags reply that you would not see me.
+
+CAD.  (_faintly_.)  Mrs Jellybags,--Mrs Jellybags--
+
+CLEM.  Yes, uncle; it is true as I stand here;--and my brother Thomas
+has called almost every day, and John every Sunday, the only day he can
+leave the banking-house; and cousins William and James have both been
+here very often.
+
+CAD.  Nobody told me!  I thought every one had forgotten me.  Why was I
+not informed, Mrs Jellybags?
+
+JEL.  (_in a rage_.)  Why, you little, story-telling creature, coming
+here to impose upon your good uncle!  You know that no one has been
+here--not a soul;--and as for yourself, you have been too busy looking
+after a certain gentleman ever to think of your poor uncle;--that you
+have;--taking advantage of his illness to behave in so indecorous a
+manner.  I would have told him every thing, but I was afraid of making
+him worse.
+
+CLEM.  You are a false, wicked woman!
+
+JEL.  Little impudent creature,--trying to make mischief between me and
+my kind master, but it won't do.  (_To_ CLEMENTINA _aside_.)  The will
+is signed, and I'll take care he does not alter it;--so do your worst.
+
+CAD.  (_faintly_.)  Give me the mixture, Mrs --
+
+CLEM.  I will, dear uncle.  (_Pours out the restorative mixture in a
+glass_.)
+
+JEL.  (_going back_.)  You will, Miss,--indeed! but you shan't.
+
+CLEM.  Be quiet, Mrs Jellybags;--allow me at least to do something for
+my poor uncle.
+
+CLEM.  Give me the mix--
+
+JEL.  (_prevents_ CLEMENTINA _from giving it, and tries to take it from
+her_.)  You shan't, Miss!--You never shall.
+
+CAD.  Give me the --
+
+[Mrs JELLYBAGS _and_ CLEMENTINA _scuffle, at last_ CLEMENTINA _throws
+the contents of the glass into_ Mrs JELLYBAGS'S _face_.]
+
+CLEM.  There, then!--since you will have it.
+
+JEL.  (_in a rage_.)  You little minx!--I'll be revenged for that.  Wait
+a little till the will is read,--that's all;--See if I don't bundle you
+out of doors,--that I will.
+
+CLEM.  As you please, Mrs Jellybags; but pray give my poor uncle his
+restorative mixture.
+
+JEL.  To please you?--Not I!  I'll not give him a drop till I think
+proper.  Little, infamous, good-for-nothing--
+
+CAD.  Give me--oh!
+
+JEL.  Saucy--man-seeking--
+
+CLEM.  Oh! as for that, Mrs Jellybags, the big sergeant was here last
+night--I know that.  Talk of men indeed!
+
+JEL.  Very well, Miss!--very well!  Stop till the breath is out of your
+uncle's body--and I'll beat you till your's is also.
+
+CAD.  Give--oh!
+
+CLEM.  My poor uncle!  He will have no help till I leave the room--I
+must go.  Infamous woman!  _Exit_.
+
+CAD.  Oh!
+
+JEL.  I'm in such a rage!--I could tear her to pieces!--the little!--the
+gnat!  Oh, I'll be revenged!  Stop till the will is read, and then I'll
+turn her out into the streets to starve.  Yes! yes! the will!--the will!
+(_Pauses and pants for breath_.)  Now, I recollect the old fellow
+called for his mixture.  I must go and get some mere.  I'll teach her to
+throw physic in my face.
+
+[_Goes out and returns with a phial--pours out a portion, and goes up
+to_ Mr CADAVEROUS.]
+
+JEL.  Here, my dear Mr Cadaverous.  Mercy on me!--Mr Cadaverous!--why,
+he's fainted!--Mr Cadaverous!  (_Screams_.)  Lord help us!--why, he's
+dead!  Well now, this sort of thing does give one a shock, even when one
+has longed for it.  Yes, he's quite dead!  (_Coming forward_.)  So,
+there's an end of all his troubles--and, thank Heaven! of mine also.
+Now for Sergeant-major O'Callaghan, and--love!  Now for Miss Clementina,
+and--revenge?  But first the will!--the will!
+
+_Curtain drops_.
+
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+Act 3.
+
+MRS JELLYBAGS.
+
+Oh dear!--this is a very long morning.  I feel such suspense--such
+anxiety; and poor Sergeant-major O'Callaghan is quite in a perspiration!
+He is drinking and smoking down in the kitchen to pass away the time,
+and if the lawyer don't come soon, the dear man will be quite fuddled.
+He talks of buying a farm in the country.  Well, we shall see; but if
+the Sergeant thinks that he will make ducks and drakes of my money, he
+is mistaken.  I have not been three times a widow for nothing--I will
+have it all settled upon myself; that must and shall be, or else--no
+Sergeant O'Callaghan for me!
+
+_Enter_ CLEMENTINA.
+
+So, here you are, Miss.  We'll wait till the will is read, and then we
+shall see who is mistress here.
+
+CLEM.  I am as anxious as you, Mrs Jellybags.  You may have wheedled my
+poor uncle to make up the will in your favour; if so, depend upon it, I
+shall expect nothing from your hands.
+
+JEL.  I should rather think not, Miss.  If I recollect right, you threw
+the carminative mixture in my face.
+
+CLEM.  And made you blush for the first time in your life.
+
+JEL.  I shall not blush to slam the door in your face.
+
+CLEM.  Rather than be indebted to you, I would beg my bread from door to
+door.
+
+JEL.  I expect that you very soon will.
+
+_Enter_ EDWARD.
+
+EDW.  My dearest Clementina, I have come to support you on this trying
+occasion.
+
+JEL.  And ascertain how matters stand, before you decide upon marrying,
+I presume, Mr Edward.
+
+EDW.  Madam, I am above all pecuniary considerations.
+
+JEL.  So everybody says, when they think themselves sure of money.
+
+EDW.  You judge of others by yourself.
+
+JEL.  Perhaps I do--I certainly do expect to be rewarded for my long and
+faithful services.
+
+CLEM.  Do not waste words upon her, my dear.--You have my solemn
+promise; nothing shall change my feeling towards you.
+
+JEL.  That may be; but did it never occur to you, Miss, that the
+gentleman's feelings might alter?
+
+EDW.  Detestable wretch!
+
+[_Hands_ CLEMENTINA _to a chair on the right, and sits by her.  Enter
+Nephews_ JOHN, THOMAS, WILLIAM, _and_ JAMES, _all with white
+pocket-handkerchiefs in their hands--they take their seats two right and
+two left_.]
+
+JEL.  (_aside_.)  Here they all come, like crows that smell carrion.
+How odious is the selfishness of this world!  But here is Mr Gumarabic.
+How do you do, Sir?  (_Curtsies with a grave air_.)
+
+GUM.  Very well, I thank you, Mrs Jellybags.  Can't say the--same of
+all my patients.  Just happened to pass by--thought I would step in and
+hear the will read--odd, that I should pop in at the time--very odd.
+Pray, may I ask, my dear Mrs Jellybags, were you present at the making
+of the will?
+
+JEL.  No, my dear sir; my nerves would not permit me.
+
+GUM.  Nerves!--odd, very odd!  Then you don't know how things are
+settled?
+
+JEL.  No more than the man in the moon, my dear sir.
+
+GUM.  Man in the moon!--odd comparison that from a woman!--very odd!
+Hope my chance won't prove all moonshine.
+
+JEL.  I should think not, my dear sir; but here comes Mr Seedy, and we
+shall know all about it.
+
+[_Enter_ Mr SEEDY--Mrs JELLYBAGS, _all courtesy, waves her hand to a
+chair in the centre, with a table before it_.  Mr SEEDY _sits down,
+pulls the will out of his pocket, lays it on the table, takes out his
+snuff-box, takes a pinch, then his handkerchief, blows his nose, snuffs
+the candles, takes his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket, puts them
+on, breaks the seals, and bows to the company_: Mrs JELLYBAGS _has
+taken her seat on the left next to him, and_ Dr GUMARABIC _by her
+side_.  Mrs JELLYBAGS _sobs very loud, with her handkerchief to her
+face_.]
+
+SEEDY.  Silence, if you please.
+
+[Mrs JELLYBAGS _stops sobbing immediately_.]
+
+EDW.  (_putting his arm round_ CLEMENTINA'S _waist_.)  My dearest
+Clementina!
+
+[Mr SEEDY _hems twice, and then reads_,--]
+
+"The last Will and Testament of Christopher Cadaverous, Gentleman, of
+Copse horton, in the County of Cumberland.
+
+"I, Christopher Cadaverous, being at this time in sound mind, do hereby
+make my last will and testament.
+
+"First, I pray that I may be forgiven all my manifold sins and
+wickedness, and I do beg forgiveness of all those whom I may have
+injured unintentionally or otherwise; and at the same time do pardon all
+those who may have done me wrong, even to John Jones, the turnpike man,
+who unjustly made me pay the threepenny toll twice over on Easter last,
+when I went up to receive my dividends.
+
+"My property, personal and real, I devise to my two friends, Solomon
+Lazarus, residing at Number 3, Lower Thames-street, and Hezekiah Flint,
+residing at Number 16, Lothbury, to have and to hold for the following
+uses and purposes:--
+
+"First, to my dearly beloved niece, Clementina Montagu, I leave the sum
+of one hundred and fifty pounds, three and a half per cent consols, for
+her sole use and benefit, to be made over to her, both principal and
+interest, on the day of her marriage."  [EDWARD _withdraws his arm from_
+CLEMENTINA'S _waist--turns half round from her, and falls back in his
+chair with a pish_!]
+
+"To my nephew, Thomas Montagu, I leave the sum of nineteen pounds
+nineteen shilling and sixpence--having deducted the other sixpence to
+avoid the legacy duty."
+
+[THOMAS _turns from the lawyer with his face to the front of the stage;
+crossing his legs_.]
+
+"To my nephew, John Montagu, I leave also the sum of nineteen pounds
+nineteen shillings and sixpence."
+
+[JOHN _turns away in the same manner_.]
+
+"To my nephew, once removed, James Stirling, I leave the sum of five
+pounds to purchase a suit of mourning."
+
+[JAMES _turns away as the others_.]
+
+"To my nephew, once removed, William Stirling, I leave the sum of five
+pounds to purchase a suit of mourning."
+
+[WILLIAM _turns away as the others_.]
+
+"To my kind and affectionate housekeeper, Mrs Martha Jellybags--"
+
+[Mrs JELLYBAGS _sobs loudly, and cries_ "Oh dear!  Oh dear!"]
+
+Mr SEEDY.  Silence, if you please.  (_Reads_.)
+
+"In return for all her attention to me during my illness, and her ten
+years' service, I leave the whole of my--"
+
+[Mr SEEDY _having come to the bottom of the page lays down the will,
+takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, blows his nose, snuffs the
+candles, and proceeds_.]
+
+"I leave the whole of my wardrobe, for her entire use and disposal; and
+also my silver watch with my key and seal hanging to it.
+
+"And having thus provided for--"
+
+[Mrs JELLYBAGS, _who has been listening attentively, interrupts_ Mr
+SEEDY _in great agitation_.]
+
+JEL.  Will you be pleased to read that part over again?
+
+SEEDY.  Certainly, ma'am.  "I leave the whole of my wardrobe, and also
+my silver watch, with the key and seal hanging to it."
+
+[Mrs JELLYBAGS _screams, and falls back in a swoon on her chair--no one
+assists her_.]
+
+"And having thus provided for all my relations, I do hereby devise the
+rest of my property to the said Solomon Lazarus and Hezekiah Flint, to
+have and to hold for the building and endowment of an hospital for
+diseases of the heart, lights, liver, and spleen, as set off by the
+provisions in the schedule annexed to my will as part and codicil to
+it."
+
+SEEDY.  Would the relations like me to read the provisions?
+
+OMNES.  No! no! no!
+
+[Mr SEEDY _is about to fold up the papers_.]
+
+GUM.  I beg your pardon, sir, but is there no other codicil?
+
+SEEDY.  I beg your pardon, Mr Gumarabic, I recollect now there is one
+relative to you.
+
+GUM.  (_nods his head_.)  I thought so.
+
+[SEEDY _reads_.]
+
+"And whereas I consider that my apothecary, Mr Haustus Gumarabic, hath
+sent in much unnecessary physic, during my long illness--it is my
+earnest request that my executors will not fail to tax his bill."
+
+GUM.  (_rises and comes forward_.)  Tax my bill!--well that is odd, very
+odd!  I may as well go and look after my patients.  [_Exit_.]
+
+[JAMES _and_ WILLIAM _come forward_.]
+
+JAMES.  I say, Bill, how are you off for a suit of mourning?
+
+WILL.  Thanky for nothing, Jem.  If the old gentleman don't go to heaven
+until I put it on, he will be in a very bad way.  Come along, it's no
+use staying here.
+
+[JOHN _and_ THOMAS _come forward_.]
+
+JOHN.  I say, Tom, how are you off for nineteen pounds nineteen and six?
+Heh!
+
+THOS.  Let's toss and see which shall have both legacies.  Here goes--
+heads or tails?
+
+JOHN.  Woman for ever.
+
+THOS.  You've won, so there's an end of not only my expectations but
+realities.  Come along, Mrs Jellybags must be anxious to look over her
+wardrobe.
+
+JOHN.  Yes, and also the silver watch and the key and seal hanging to
+it.  Good bye, Jemmy!  Ha! ha!
+
+                                                   [_Exeunt, laughing_.]
+CLEM.  For shame, John.  (_Turns to_ EDWARD.)  My dear Edward, do not
+appear so downcast.  I acknowledge that I am myself much mortified and
+disappointed--but we must submit to circumstances.  What did I tell you
+before this will was read?--that nothing could alter my feelings towards
+you, did I not?
+
+EDW.  (_with indifference_.)  Yes.
+
+CLEM.  Why then annoy yourself, my dear Edward?
+
+EDW.  The confounded old junks!
+
+CLEM.  Nay, Edward, recollect that he is dead--I can forgive him.
+
+EDW.  But I won't.  Has he not dashed my cup of bliss to the ground?
+Heavens! what delightful anticipations I had formed of possessing you
+and competence--all gone!
+
+CLEM.  All gone, dear Edward?
+
+[Mrs JELLYBAGS, _who has been sitting very still, takes her
+handkerchief from her eyes and listens_.]
+
+EDW.  Yes, gone!--gone for ever!  Do you imagine, my ever dear
+Clementina, that I would be so base, so cruel, so regardless of you and
+your welfare, to entrap you into marriage with only one hundred and
+fifty pounds!  No, no!--judge me better.  I sacrifice myself--my
+happiness--all for you!--banish myself from your dear presence, and
+retire to pass the remainder of my existence in misery and regret,
+maddened with the feeling that some happier mortal will obtain that dear
+hand, and will rejoice in the possession of those charms which I had too
+fondly, too credulously, imagined as certain to be mine.
+
+[_Takes out his handkerchief and covers his face_; CLEMENTINA _also puts
+her handkerchief to her face and weeps_.  Mrs JELLYBAGS _nods her head
+ironically_.]
+
+CLEM.  Edward!
+
+EDW.  My dear, dear Clementina!
+
+CLEM.  You won't have me?
+
+EDW.  My honour forbids it.  If you knew my feelings--how this poor
+heart is racked!
+
+CLEM.  Don't leave me, Edward.  Did you not say that for richer or for
+poorer, for better or for worse, you would be mine, till death did us
+part?
+
+EDW.  Did I!
+
+CLEM.  You know you did, Edward.
+
+EDW.  It's astonishing how much nonsense we talk when in love.  My
+dearest Clementina, let us be rational.  We are almost without a
+sixpence.  There is an old adage, that when poverty comes in at the
+door, love flies out of the window.  Shall I then make you miserable!
+No! no!  Hear me, Clementina.  I will be generous.  I now absolve you
+from all your vows.  You are free.  Should the time ever come that
+prosperity shine upon me, and I find that I have sufficient for both of
+us of that dross which I despise, then will I return, and, should my
+Clementina not have entered into any other engagement, throw my fortune
+and my person at her feet.  Till then, dearest Clementina, farewell!
+
+CLEM.  (_sinking into a chair sobbing_.)  Cruel Edward!  Oh, my heart
+will break!
+
+EDW.  I can bear it myself no longer.  Farewell! farewell!  [_Exit_.]
+
+JEL.  (_coming forward_.)  Well, this is some comfort.--(_To_
+CLEMENTINA.)  Did I not tell you, Miss, that if you did not change your
+mind, others might?
+
+CLEM.  Leave me, leave me.
+
+JEL.  No, I shan't; I have as good a right here as you, at all events.
+I shall stay, Miss.
+
+CLEM.  (_rising_.)  Stay then--but I shall not.  Oh, Edward!  Edward!
+[_Exit, weeping_.]
+
+JEL.  (_alone_.)  Well, I really thought I should have burst--to be
+forced not to allow people to suppose that I cared, when I should like
+to tear the old wretch out of his coffin to beat him.  _His_ wardrobe!
+If people knew his wardrobe as well as I do, who have been patching at
+it these last ten years--not a shirt or a stocking that would fetch
+sixpence!  And as for his other garments, why a Jew would hardly put
+them into his bag!  (_Crying_.)  Oh dear! oh dear!  After all, I'm just
+like Miss Clementina; for Sergeant O'Callaghan, when he knows all this,
+will as surely walk off without beat of drum, as did Mr Edward--and
+that too with all the money I have lent him.  Oh these men! these men!--
+whether they are living or dying there is nothing in them but treachery
+and disappointment!  When they pretend to be in love, they only are
+trying for your money; and even when they make their wills, they leave
+to those behind them nothing but _ill-will_.
+
+                   [_Exit, crying, off the stage as the curtain falls_.]
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY FOUR.
+
+THE SKY-BLUE DOMINO.
+
+It was a flue autumnal evening; I had been walking with a friend until
+dusk on the Piazza Grande, or principal square in the town of Lucca.  We
+had been conversing of England, our own country, from which I had then
+banished myself for nearly four years, having taken up my residence in
+Italy to fortify a weak constitution, and having remained there long
+after it was requisite for my health from an attachment to its pure sky,
+and the _dolce far niente_ which so wins upon you in that luxurious
+climate.  We had communicated to each other the contents of our
+respective letters arrived by the last mail; had talked over politics,
+great men, acquaintances, friends and kindred; and, tired of
+conversation, had both sank into a pleasing reverie as we watched the
+stars twinkling above us, when my friend rose hastily and bid me good
+night.
+
+"Where are you going, Albert?" inquired I.
+
+"I had nearly forgotten I had an appointment this evening.  I promised
+to meet somebody at the Marquesa di Cesto's masquerade."
+
+"Pshaw! are you not tired of these things?" replied I; "that eternal
+round of black masks and dominos of all colours; heavy harlequins, fools
+and clowns by nature wearing their proper dresses there, and only in
+masquerade when out of it; nuns who have no holiness in their ideas,
+friars without a spice of religion, ugly Venuses, Dianas without
+chastity, and Hebes as old as your grandmother."
+
+"All very true, Herbert, and life itself is masquerade enough; but the
+fact is, that I have an appointment: it is of importance, and I must not
+fail."
+
+"Well, I wish you more amusement than I have generally extracted from
+these burlesque meetings," replied I.  "Adieu, and may you be
+successful!"  And Albert hastened away.
+
+I remained another half hour reclining on the bench, and then returned
+to my lodgings.  My servant Antonio lighted the candle and withdrew.  On
+the table lay a note; it was an invitation from the Marquesa.  I threw
+it on one side and took up a book, one that required reflection and deep
+examination; but the rattling of the wheels of the carriages as they
+whirled along past my window would not permit me to command my
+attention.  I threw down the book; and taking a chair at the window,
+watched the carriages full of masks as they rolled past, apparently so
+eager in the pursuit of pleasure.  I was in a cynical humour.  What
+fools, thought I, and yet what numbers will be there; there will be an
+immense crowd; and what can be the assignation which Albert said was of
+such consequence?  Such was my reflection for the next ten minutes,
+during which at least fifty carriages and other vehicles had passed in
+review before me.
+
+And then I thought of the princely fortune of the Marquesa, the splendid
+palazzo at which the masquerade was given, and the brilliant scene which
+would take place.
+
+"The Grand Duke is to be there, and everybody of distinction in Lucca.
+I have a great mind to go myself."
+
+A few minutes more elapsed.  I felt that I was lonely, and I made up my
+mind that I would go.  I turned from the window and rang the bell.
+
+"Antonio, see if you can procure me a domino, a dark-coloured one if
+possible; and tell Carlo to bring the carriage round as soon as he can."
+
+Antonio departed, and was away so long that the carriage was at the door
+previous to his return.
+
+"Signor, I am sorry, very, very sorry; but I have run to every shop in
+Lucca, and there is nothing left but a sky-blue domino, which I have
+brought with me."
+
+"Sky-blue! why, there will not be two sky-blue dominos in the whole
+masquerade: I might as well tell my name at once, I shall be so
+conspicuous."
+
+"You are as well hidden under a sky-blue domino as a black one, Signor,
+if you choose to keep your own secrets," observed Antonio.
+
+"Very true," replied I, "give me my mask."
+
+Enshrouding myself in the sky-blue domino, I went down the stairs, threw
+myself into the carriage, and directed Carlo to drive to the palazzo of
+the Marquesa.
+
+In half an hour we arrived at the entrance-gates of the Marquesa's
+superb country seat.  From these gates to the palazzo, a sweep of
+several hundred yards, the avenue though which the driver passed was
+loaded with variegated lamps, hanging in graceful festoons from branch
+to branch; and the notes of music from the vast entrance-hall of the
+palazzo floated through the still air.  When I arrived at the area in
+front of the flight of marble steps which formed the entrance of the
+palazzo, I was astonished at the magnificence, the good taste, and the
+total disregard of expense which were exhibited.  The palazzo itself
+appeared like the fabric built of diamonds and precious stones by the
+genii who obeyed the ring and lamp of Aladdin, so completely was its
+marble front hidden with a mass of many-coloured lamps, the reflection
+from whose galaxy of light rendered it bright as day for nearly one
+hundred yards around; various mottoes and transparencies were arranged
+in the walks nearest to the palazzo; and then all was dark, rendered
+still darker from the contrast with the flood of light which poured to a
+certain distance from the scene of festivity.  Groups of characters and
+dominos were walking to and fro in every direction; most of them
+retracing their steps when they arrived at the sombre walks and alleys,
+some few pairs only continuing their route where no listeners were to be
+expected.
+
+This is an animating scene, thought I, as the carriage stopped, and I am
+not sorry that I have made one of the party.  As soon as I had
+descended, I walked up the flight of marble steps which led to the
+spacious hall in which the major part of the company were collected.
+The music had, for a moment, ceased to play; and finding that the
+perfume of the exotics which decorated the hall was too powerful, I was
+again descending the steps, when my hand was seized and warmly pressed
+by one in a violet-coloured domino.
+
+"I am so glad that you are come; we were afraid that you would not.  I
+will see you again directly," said the domino; and it then fell back
+into the crowd and disappeared.
+
+It immediately occurred to me that it was my friend Albert who spoke to
+me.  "Very odd," thought I, "that he should have found me out!"  And
+again I fell into the absurdity of imagining that because I had put on a
+conspicuous domino, I was sure to be recognised.  "What can he want with
+me?  We must be in some difficulty, some unexpected one, that is
+certain."  Such were my reflections as I slowly descended the steps,
+occasionally pausing for a moment on one, as I was lost in conjecture,
+when I was again arrested by a slight slap on the shoulder.  I looked
+round: it was a female; and although she wore her half-mask, it was
+evident that she was young, and I felt convinced that she was beautiful.
+
+"Not a word," whispered she, putting her finger to her lip; "follow me."
+Of course I followed: who could resist such a challenge?
+
+"You are late," said the incognito, when we had walked so far away from
+the palazzo as to be out of hearing of the crowd.
+
+"I did not make up my mind to come until an hour ago," replied I.
+
+"I was so afraid that you would not come.  Albert was sure that you
+would, he was right.  He told me just now that he had spoken to you."
+
+"What! was that Albert in the rose-coloured domino?"
+
+"Yes; but I dare not stay now--my father will be looking for me.  Albert
+is keeping him in conversation.  In half an hour he will speak to you
+again.  Has he explained to you what has occurred?"
+
+"Not one word."
+
+"If he has not had time--and I doubt if he will have, as he must attend
+to the preparations--I will write a few lines, if I can, and explain, or
+at least tell you what to do; but I am so harassed, so frightened!  We
+do indeed require your assistance.  Adieu!"  So saying, the fair unknown
+tripped hastily away.
+
+"What the deuce is all this?" muttered I, as I watched her retreating
+figure.  "Albert said that he had an appointment, but he did not make me
+his confidant.  It appears that something which has occurred this night
+occasions him to require my assistance.  Well, I will not fail him."
+
+For about half an hour I sauntered up and down between the lines of
+orange-trees which were dressed up with variegated lamps, and shed their
+powerful fragrance in the air: I ruminated upon what might be my
+friend's intentions, and what might be the result of an intrigue carried
+on in a country where the stiletto follows Love so close through all the
+mazes of his labyrinth, when I was again accosted by the violet-coloured
+domino.
+
+"Hist!" whispered he, looking carefully round as he thrust a paper into
+my hand; "read this after I leave you.  In one hour from this be you on
+this spot.  Are you armed?"
+
+"No," replied I; "but Albert--"
+
+"You may not need it; but nevertheless take this,--I cannot wait."  So
+saying, he put a stiletto into my hand, and again made a hasty retreat.
+
+It had been my intention to have asked Albert what was his plan, and
+further why he did not speak English instead of Italian, as he would
+have been less liable to be understood if overheard by eavesdroppers;
+but a little reflection told me that he was right in speaking Italian,
+as the English language overheard would have betrayed him, or at least
+have identified him as a foreigner.
+
+"A very mysterious affair this!" thought I; "but, however, this paper
+will, I presume, explain the business.  That there is a danger in it is
+evident, or he would not have given me this weapon;" and I turned the
+stiletto once or twice to the light of the lamp next to me, examining
+its blade, when, looking up, I perceived a black domino standing before
+me.
+
+"It is sharp enough, I warrant," said the domino; "you have but to
+strike home.  I have been waiting for you in the next walk, which I
+thought was to be our rendezvous.  Here is a paper which you will fasten
+to his dress.  I will contrive that he shall be here in an hour hence by
+a pretended message.  After his death you will put this packet into his
+bosom;--you understand.  Fail not: remember the one thousand sequins;
+and here is my ring, which I will redeem as soon as your work is done.
+The others will soon be here.  The pass-word is `Milano.'  But I must
+not be seen here.  Why a sky-blue domino? it is too conspicuous for
+escape;" and as I received from him the packet and ring, the black
+domino retreated through the orange grove which encircled us.
+
+I was lost in amazement: there I stood with my hands full--two papers, a
+packet, a stiletto, and a diamond ring!
+
+"Well," thought I, "this time I am most assuredly taken for somebody
+else--for a bravo I am not.  There is some foul work going on, which
+perhaps I may prevent."
+
+"But why a sky-blue domino?" said he.
+
+I may well ask the same question.  "Why the deuce did I come here in a
+sky-blue domino, or any domino at all?"
+
+I put the ring on my finger, the stiletto and packet in my bosom, and
+then hastened away to the garden on the other side of the palazzo, that
+I might read the mysterious communication put into my hands by my friend
+Albert; and as I walked on, my love for admiration led me away so as to
+find myself pleased with the mystery and danger attending upon the
+affair; and feeling secure, now that I had a stiletto in my bosom for my
+defence, I resolved that I would go right through it until the whole
+affair should be unravelled.
+
+I walked on till I had gained the last lamp on the other side of the
+palazzo.  I held up to its light the mysterious paper: it was in
+Italian, and in a woman's handwriting.
+
+  "We have determined upon flight, as we cannot hope for safety here,
+  surrounded as we are by stilettoes on every side.  We feel sure of
+  pardon as soon as the papers which Albert received by this day's mail,
+  and which he will entrust to you when you meet again, are placed in my
+  father's hands.  We must have your assistance in removing our
+  treasure.  Our horses are all ready, and a few hours will put us in
+  safety; but we must look to you for following us in your carriage, and
+  conveying for me what would prove so great an incumbrance to our
+  necessary speed.  When Albert sees you again, he will be able to tell
+  you where it is deposited.  Follow us quick, and you will always have
+  the gratitude of--
+
+  "VIOLA.
+
+  "PS.  I write in great haste, as I cannot leave my father's side for a
+  moment without his seeking for me."
+
+"What can all this mean?  Albert told me of no papers by this day's
+mail.  Viola!  I never heard him mention such a name.  He said to me,
+`Read this, and all will be explained.'  I'll be hanged if I am not as
+much in the dark as ever!  Follow them in my carriage with the
+treasure--never says where!  I presume he is about to run off with some
+rich heiress.  Confound this sky-blue domino!  Here I am with two
+papers, a packet, a stiletto, and a ring; I am to receive another
+packet, and am to convey treasure.  Well, it must solve itself--I will
+back to my post; but first let me see what is in this paper which I am
+to affix upon the man's dress after I have killed him."  I held it up to
+the light, and read, in capital letters, "The reward of a traitor!"
+"Short and pithy," muttered I, as I replaced it in my pocket: "now I'll
+back to the place of assignation, for the hour must be nearly expired."
+
+As I retraced my steps, I again reverted to the communication of
+Viola--"Surrounded as we are by stilettoes on every side!"  Why, surely
+Albert cannot be the person that I am required by the black domino to
+despatch; and yet it may be so--and others are to join me here before
+the hour is passed.  A thought struck me: whoever the party might be
+whose life was to be taken, whether Albert or another, I could save him.
+
+My reverie was again broken by a tap on the shoulder.
+
+"Am I right?  What is the pass-word?"
+
+"Milano!" replied I, in a whisper.
+
+"All's right, then--Giacomo and Tomaso are close by--I will fetch them."
+
+The man turned away, and in a minute re-appeared with two others,
+bending as they forced their way under the orange-trees.
+
+"Here we all are, Felippo," whispered the first.  "_He_ is to be here in
+a few minutes."
+
+"Hush!" replied I, in a whisper, and holding up to them the brilliant
+ring which sparkled on my finger.
+
+"Ah, Signor, I cry your mercy," replied the man, in a low voice; "I
+thought it was Felippo."
+
+"Not so loud," replied I, still in a whisper.  "All is discovered, and
+Felippo is arrested.  You must away immediately.  You shall hear from me
+to-morrow."
+
+"Corpo di Bacco!  Where, Signor? at the old place?"
+
+"Yes away--now, and save yourselves."
+
+In a few seconds the desperate men disappeared among the trees, and I
+was left alone.
+
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+"Slaves of the Ring, you have done my bidding at all events, this time,"
+thought I, and I looked at the ring more attentively.  It was a splendid
+solitaire diamond, worth many hundred crowns.  "Will you ever find your
+way back to our lawful owner?" was the question in my mind when Albert
+made his appearance in his violet-coloured domino.
+
+"'Twas imprudent of you to send me the paper by the black domino," said
+he, hastily.  "Did I not tell you that I would be here in an hour?  We
+have not a moment to spare.  Follow me quickly, and be silent."
+
+I followed--the paper which Albert referred to needed no explanation; it
+was, indeed, the only part of the whole affair which I comprehended.  He
+led the way to about three hundred yards of the path through the wood.
+
+"There," said he, "in that narrow avenue, you will find my faithful
+negro with his charge.  He will not deliver it up without you show him
+this ring."  And Albert put a ring upon my finger.
+
+"But, Albert,"--my mind misgave me--Albert never had a faithful negro to
+my knowledge; it must be some other person who had mistaken me for his
+friend,--"I am afraid," continued I--
+
+"Afraid!--let me not hear you say that.  You never yet knew fear," said
+he, interrupting me.  "What have you to fear between this and Pisa?
+Your own horses will take you there in three hours.  But here's the
+packet, which you must deliver yourself.  Now that you know where the
+negro is, return to the palazzo, deliver it into his own hands,
+requesting his immediate perusal.  After that do not wait a moment, but
+hasten here to your charge.  While the Grand Duke is reading it I will
+escape with Viola."
+
+"I really cannot understand all this," said I, taking the packet.
+
+"All will be explained when we meet at Pisa.  Away, now; to the Grand
+Duke--I will go to the negro and prepare him for your coming."
+
+"But allow me--"
+
+"Not a word more, if you love me," replied the violet-coloured domino,
+who, I was now convinced, was not Albert; it was not his voice--there
+was a mystery and a mistake; but I had become so implicated that I felt
+I could not retreat without sacrificing the parties, whoever they might
+be.
+
+"Well," said I, as I turned back to the palazzo, "I must go on now; for,
+as a gentleman and man of honour, I cannot refuse.  I will give the
+packet to the Grand Duke, and I will also convey his treasure to Pisa,
+Confound this sky-blue domino!"
+
+As I returned to the palazzo, I was accosted by the black domino.
+
+"Milano!" replied I.
+
+"Is all right, Felippo?" said he, in a whisper.
+
+"All is right, Signor," was my answer.
+
+"Where is he?"
+
+I pointed with my finger to a clump of orange-trees.
+
+"And the paper and packet?"
+
+I nodded my head.
+
+"Then you had better away--I will see you to-morrow."
+
+"At the old place, Signor?"
+
+"Yes," replied the black domino, cutting into a cross-path, and
+disappearing.
+
+I arrived at the palazzo, mounted the steps, forced my way through the
+crowd, and perceived the Grand Duke in an inner saloon, the lady who had
+accosted me leaning on his arm.  It then occurred to me that the Grand
+Duke had an only daughter, whose name was Viola.  I entered the saloon,
+which was not crowded, and walking boldly up to the Grand Duke,
+presented the packet, requesting that his Highness would give it his
+immediate attention.  I then bowed, and hastened away, once more passed
+through the thronged hall, and gained the marble steps of the palazzo.
+
+"Have you given it?" said a low voice close to me.
+
+"I have," replied I; "but, Signor--"
+
+"Not a word, Carlo: hasten to the wood, if you love me."  And the
+violet-coloured domino forced his way into the crown which filled the
+hall.
+
+"Now for my journey to Pisa," said I.  "Here I am, implicated in high
+treason, perhaps, in consequence of my putting on a sky-blue domino.
+Well, there's no help for it."
+
+In a few minutes I had gained the narrow avenue, and having pursued it
+about fifty yards, perceived the glaring eyes of the crouched negro.  By
+the starlight, I could just distinguish that he had a basket, or
+something like one, before him.
+
+"What do you come for, Signor?" said the negro, rising on his feet.
+
+"For what has been placed under your charge; here is the ring of your
+master."
+
+The negro put his fingers to the ring and felt it, that he might
+recognise it by its size and shape.
+
+"Here it is, Signor," said he, lifting up the basket gently, and putting
+it into my arms.  It was not heavy, although somewhat cumbrous from its
+size.
+
+"Hark!  Signor, there is confusion in the palazzo.  You must be quick,
+and I must not be seen with you."  And away darted the negro like
+lightning through the bushes.
+
+I also hastened away with the basket (contents unknown), for it appeared
+to me that affairs were coming to a crisis.  I heard people running
+different ways, and voices approaching me.  When I emerged from the
+narrow avenue, I perceived several figures coming down the dark walk at
+a rapid pace, and, seized with a sort of panic, I took to my heels.  I
+soon found that they were in pursuit, and I increased my speed.  In the
+gloom of the night, I unfortunately tripped over a stone, and fell with
+the basket to the ground; and then the screams from within informed me
+that the treasure intrusted to my safe keeping was a child.  Fearful
+that it was hurt, and forgetting, for the time, the danger of being
+captured, I opened the lid, and examined its limbs, while I tried to
+pacify it; and while I was sitting down in my sky-blue domino, thus
+occupied in hushing a baby, I was seized by both shoulders, and found
+myself a prisoner.
+
+"What is the meaning of this rudeness, Signors?" said I, hardly knowing
+what to say.
+
+"You are arrested by order of the Grand Duke," was the reply.
+
+"I am arrested!--why?--I am an Englishman!"
+
+"That makes no difference; the orders are to arrest all found in the
+garden in sky-blue dominos."
+
+"Confound the sky-blue domino!" thought I, for the twentieth time at
+least.  "Well, Signora, I will attend you; but first let me try to
+pacify this poor frightened infant."
+
+"Strange that he should be found running away with a child at the same
+time that the Lady Viola has disappeared!" observed one of my captors.
+
+"You are right, Signora," replied I; "it is very strange; and what is
+more strange is, that I can no more explain it than you can.  I am now
+ready to accompany you.  Oblige me by one of you carrying the basket
+while I take care of the infant."
+
+In a few minutes we had arrived at the palazzo.  I had retained my mask,
+and I was conducted through the crowd into the saloon into which I had
+previously entered when I delivered the packet to the Grand Duke.
+
+"There he is! there he is!" was buzzed through the crowd in the hall.
+"Holy Virgin! he has a child in his arms!  _Bambino bellissimo_!"  Such
+were the exclamations of wonder and surprise as they made a lane for my
+passage, and I was in the presence of the Grand Duke, who appeared to be
+in a state of great excitement.
+
+"It is the same person!" exclaimed the Duke.  "Confess! are you not the
+party who put a packet into my hands about a quarter of an hour since?"
+
+"I am the person, your Highness," replied I, as I patted and soothed the
+frightened child.
+
+"Who gave it you?"
+
+"May it please your Highness, I do not know."
+
+"What child is that?"
+
+"May it please your Highness, I do not know."
+
+"Where did you get it?"
+
+"Out of that basket, your Highness."
+
+"Who gave you the basket?"
+
+"May it please your Highness, I do not know."
+
+"You are trifling with me.  Let him be searched."
+
+"May it please your Highness, I will save them that trouble, if one of
+the ladies will take the infant.  I have received a great many presents
+this evening, all of which I will have the honour of displaying before
+your Highness."
+
+One of the ladies held out her arms to the infant, who immediately bent
+from mine toward her, naturally clinging to the other sex as its friend
+in distress.
+
+"In the first place, your Highness, I have this evening received this
+ring," taking off my finger the one given by the party in a
+violet-coloured domino, and presenting it to him.
+
+"And from whom?" said his Highness, instantly recognising the ring.
+
+"May it please your Highness, I do not know.  I have also received
+another ring, your Highness," continued I, taking off the ring given me
+by the black domino.
+
+"And who gave you this?" interrogated the Duke, again evidently
+recognising it.
+
+"May it please your Highness, I do not know.  Also, this stiletto, but
+from whom, I must again repeat, I do not know.  Also, this packet, with
+directions to put it into a dead man's bosom."
+
+"And you are, I presume, equally ignorant of the party who gave it to
+you?"
+
+"Equally so, your Highness; as ignorant as I am of the party who desired
+me to present you with the other packet which I delivered.  Here is also
+a paper I was desired to pin upon a man's clothes after I had
+assassinated him."
+
+"Indeed!--and to this, also, you plead total ignorance?"
+
+"I have but one answer to give to all, your Highness, which is, I do not
+know."
+
+"Perhaps, Sir, you do not know your own name or profession," observed
+his Highness, with a sneer.
+
+"Yes, your Highness," replied I, taking off my mask, "that I do know.  I
+am an Englishman, and, I trust, a gentleman, and a man of honour.  My
+name is Herbert; and I have more than once had the honour to be a guest
+at your Highness's entertainments."
+
+"Signor, I recognise you," replied the Grand Duke.  "Let the room be
+cleared--I must speak with this gentleman alone."
+
+When the company had quitted the saloon, I entered into a minute detail
+of the events of the evening, to which his Highness paid the greatest
+attention; and when I had finished, the whole mystery was unravelled to
+me by him, and with which I will now satisfy the curiosity of my
+readers.
+
+The Grand Duke had one daughter, by name Viola, whom he had wished to
+marry to Rodolph, Count of Istria; but Viola had met with Albert,
+Marquis of Salerno, and a mutual attachment had ensued.  Although the
+Grand Duke would not force his daughter's wishes and oblige her to marry
+Count Rodolph, at the same time he would not consent to her espousals
+with the Marquis Albert.  Count Rodolph had discovered the intimacy
+between Viola and the Marquis of Salerno, and had made more than one
+unsuccessful attempt to get rid of his rival by assassination.  After
+some time, a private marriage with the marquis had been consented to by
+Viola; and a year afterwards the Lady Viola retired to the country, and
+without the knowledge, or even suspicions, of her father, had given
+birth to a male child, which had been passed off as the offspring of one
+of the ladies of the court who was married, and to whom the secret had
+been confided.
+
+At this period the secret societies, especially the _Carbonari_, had
+become formidable in Italy, and all the crowned heads and reigning
+princes were using every exertion to suppress them.  Count Rodolph was
+at the head of these societies, having joined them to increase his
+power, and to have at his disposal the means of getting rid of his
+rival.  Of this the Marquis of Salerno had received intimation, and for
+some time had been trying to obtain proof against the count; for he knew
+that if once it was proved, Count Rodolph would never be again permitted
+to appear in the state of Lucca.  On the other hand, Count Rodolph had
+been making every arrangement to get rid of his rival, and had
+determined that it should be effected at this masquerade.
+
+The Marquis of Salerno had notice given him of this intention, and also
+had on that morning obtained the proof against Count Rodolph, which he
+was now determined to forward to the Grand Duke; but, aware that his
+assassination by the _Carbonari_ was to be attempted, and also that the
+wrath of the Grand Duke would be excessive when he was informed of their
+private marriage, he resolved to fly with his wife to Pisa, trusting
+that the proofs of Count Rodolph being connected with the _Carbonari_,
+and a little time, would soften down the Grand Duke's anger.  The
+marquis had arranged that he should escape from the Duke's dominions on
+the night of the masquerade, as it would be much easier for his wife to
+accompany him from thence than from the Grand Duke's palace, which was
+well guarded; but it was necessary that they should travel on horseback,
+and they could not take their child with them.  Viola would not consent
+that it should be left behind; and on this emergency he had written to
+his friend, the Count d'Ossore, to come to their assistance at the
+masquerade, and, that they might recognise him, to wear a sky-blue
+domino, a colour but seldom put on.  The Count d'Ossore had that morning
+left his town mansion on a hunting excursion, and did not receive the
+letter, of which the Marquis and Viola were ignorant.  Such was the
+state of affairs at the time that I put on the sky-blue domino to go to
+the masquerade.
+
+My first meeting with the marquis in his violet-coloured domino is
+easily understood: being in a sky-blue domino I was mistaken for the
+Count d'Ossore.  I was myself led into the mistake by the Marquis Albert
+having the same Christian name as my English friend.  The second meeting
+with the Count Rodolph, in the black domino, was accidental.  The next
+walk had been appointed as the place of meeting with the _Carbonari_
+Felippo and his companions; but Count Rodolph, perceiving me examining
+my stiletto by the light of the lamp, presumed that I was Felippo, and
+that I had mistaken the one path for the other which had been agreed
+upon.  The papers given to me by Count Rodolph were _Carbonari_ papers,
+which were to be hid in the marquis's bosom after he had been
+assassinated, to make it appear that he had belonged I to that society,
+and by the paper affixed to his clothes, that he had been murdered by
+the agents of the society for having betrayed them.  The papers which
+the marquis had requested me to give to the Grand Duke were the proofs
+of Count Rodolph's belonging to the secret society; and with the papers
+was enclosed a letter to the Grand Duke, in which they I acknowledged
+their secret union.  And now, I believe, the reader will comprehend the
+whole of this mysterious affair.
+
+After all had been explained, I ventured to ask his Highness if he would
+permit me to fulfil my promise of taking the child to its mother, as I
+considered it a point of honour that I should keep my engagement, the
+more so, as the delay would occasion the greatest distress to his
+daughter; and I ventured to add, that I trusted his Highness would
+pardon what could not now be remedied, and that I should have the
+satisfaction of being the bearer of such pleasing intelligence to his
+daughter and the marquis.
+
+The Grand Duke paced the room for a minute, and then replied, "Signor
+Herbert, I feel so disgusted with the treachery and baseness of Count
+Rodolph, that I hardly need observe, if my daughter were free he never
+should espouse her; indeed, he will have immediate orders to quit the
+state.  You have been instrumental in preserving the life of the Marquis
+of Salerno, who is my son-in-law, and as matters now stand, I am
+indebted to you.  Your dismissal of the bravoes, by means of the count's
+ring, was a masterly stroke.  You shall have the pleasure of taking my
+forgiveness to my daughter and her husband; but as for the child, it may
+as well remain here.  Tell Viola I retain it as a hostage for the quick
+return of its mother."
+
+I took my leave of his Highness, and hastened to Pisa, where I soon
+found out the retreat of the marquis and his wife.  I sent up my name,
+requesting immediate admittance, as having a message from the Grand
+Duke.  I found them in great distress.  The Count d'Ossore had returned
+late on the night of the masquerade, found the letter, hastened to the
+Marquesa de Cesto's, and had arrived just after the elopement had been
+discovered.  He immediately followed them to Pisa, when an explanation
+took place, and they discovered that they had been communicating with
+some unknown person, by whom they had, in all probability, been
+betrayed.
+
+It would be difficult to portray their astonishment and joy when I
+entered into a detail of what had occurred, and wound up with the
+message from the Grand Duke; and I hardly need add, now that I wind up
+my story, that the proofs of gratitude I received from the marquis and
+his wife, during my subsequent residence in Italy, left me no occasion
+to repent that I had gone to the masquerade of the Marquesa de Cesto, in
+a SKY-BLUE DOMINO.
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY FIVE.
+
+MODERN TOWN HOUSES.
+
+I have often thought, when you consider the difference of comfort
+between houses built from sixty to a hundred years back, in comparison
+with the modern edifices, that the cry of the magician in "Aladdin," had
+he called out "new houses," instead of "new lamps," for old ones, would
+not have appeared so very absurd.  It was my good fortune, for the major
+part of my life, to occupy an ancient house, built, I believe, in the
+reign of Queen Elizabeth.  My father lived in it before I was in
+existence: I was born in it, and it was bequeathed to me.  It has since
+been my misfortune to have lived three years in one of the modern-built
+houses; and although I have had my share of the ills to which we all are
+heir, I must date my real unhappiness from the first month after I took
+possession.  With your permission, I will enter into my history, as it
+may prove a warning to others, who will not remember the old proverb of
+"_Let well alone_."
+
+I am a married man, with six children; my three eldest are daughters,
+and have now quitted a school, near Portman-Square, to which my wife
+insisted upon my sending them, as it was renowned for finishing young
+ladies.  Until their return to domiciliate themselves under my roof, I
+never heard a complaint of my house, which was situated at Brompton.  It
+was large, airy, and comfortable, with excellent shrubberies, and a few
+acres of land; and I possessed every comfort and even luxury which could
+be rationally required, my wife and daughters having their carriage, and
+in every respect my establishment being that of a gentleman.
+
+I had not, however, taken my daughters from school more than two months,
+before I was told that we were "living out of the world," although not a
+mile and a half from Hyde Park Corner; and, to my surprise, my wife
+joined in the cry; it was always from morn to night, "We might do this
+but, we cannot do this because, we are quite out of the world."  It was
+too far to dine out in town; too far for people to come and dine with
+us; too far to go to the play, or the opera; too far to drive in the
+park; too far even to walk in Kensington Gardens.  I remonstrated, that
+we had managed to dine out, to receive visitors, and to enjoy all other
+amusements very well for a considerable number of years, and that it did
+not appear to me that Brompton had walked away from London, on the
+contrary, that London was making rapid advances towards Brompton; but it
+would not do,--all day the phrase rang in my ears, "out of the world,"
+until I almost began to wish that I was out too.  But it is no use
+having the best of an argument when opposed to women.  I had my choice,
+either to give up my house, and take another in London, or to give up my
+peace.  With an unwilling sigh, I at last consented to leave a place
+dear to me, from long association and many reminiscences; and it was
+arranged that Brompton Hall was to be let, or sold, and that we were to
+look out immediately for a house in some of the squares in the
+metropolis.  If my wife and daughters found that the distance from
+London was too far for other purposes, at all events it was not too far
+for house-hunting.  They were at it incessantly week after week; and, at
+last, they fixed upon one in the neighbourhood of Belgrave-Square,
+which, as they repeated, possessed all the cheerfulness and fresh air of
+the country, all the advantages of a town residence.  The next day I was
+to be dragged to see it, and give my opinion; at the same time, from the
+commendations bestowed upon it previous to my going, I felt assured that
+I was expected to give their opinion, and not my own.
+
+The next day, accordingly, we repaired thither, setting off immediately
+after breakfast, to meet the surveyor and builder, who was to be on the
+spot.  The house in question was one of a row just building, or built,
+whitened outside, in imitation of stone.  It was Number 2.  Number 1 was
+finished; but the windows still stained with the drippings of the
+whitewash and colouring.  Number 2, the one in question, was complete;
+and, as the builder asserted, ready for immediate occupation.  Number 3
+was not so far advanced.  As for the others, they were at present
+nothing but carcasses, without even the front steps built to them; and
+you entered them by a drawbridge of planks.
+
+The builder stood at the front door, and bowed most respectfully.
+"Why," observed I, looking at the piles of mortar, lime, and bricks,
+standing about in all directions, "we shall be smothered with dust and
+lime for the next two years."
+
+"Don't be alarmed, sir," replied the builder; "every house in the row
+will be finished before the winter.  We really cannot attend to the
+applications for them."
+
+We entered the house.
+
+"Is not the entrance handsome?" observed my wife; "so neat and clean."
+
+To this I had not a reply to make; it certainly did look neat and clean.
+
+We went into the dining-room.  "What a nice room," exclaimed my eldest
+daughter.  "How many can we dine in this room?"
+
+"Um!" replied I; "about twelve, I suppose, comfortably."
+
+"Dear me!" observed the builder; "you have no notion of the size of the
+house; rooms are so deceiving, unfurnished.  You may sit down twenty
+with ease; I'll appeal to the lady.  Don't you think so, ma'am?"
+
+"Yes, I do," replied my wife.
+
+After that we went over the drawing-rooms, bed-rooms, and attics.
+
+Every bed-room was apportioned by my wife and daughters, and the others
+were allotted to the servants; and that in the presence of the builder,
+who took good note of all that passed.
+
+The kitchen was admired; so were the pantry, scullery, coal-hole,
+dust-hole, etcetera; all so nice and clean; so compact; and, as the
+builder observed, not a nail to drive anywhere.
+
+"Well, my dear, what do you think now? isn't it a charming house?" said
+my wife, as we re-ascended into the dining-parlour.
+
+"It's a very nice house, my dear; but still it requires a little
+consideration," replied I.
+
+"Consideration, my dear?" replied my wife; "what! now that you have gone
+over it?"
+
+"I am afraid that I cannot give you very long, sir," observed the
+builder; "there are two other parties after the house, and I am to give
+them an answer by two o'clock."
+
+"Mr Smithers told me the same yesterday," whispered my wife.
+
+"What did you say the rent was, Mr Smithers?"
+
+"Only 200 pounds per annum."
+
+"Any ground-rent?"
+
+"Only 27 pounds 10 shillings."
+
+"And the taxes?"
+
+"Oh, they will be a mere trifle."
+
+"The rent appears to me to be very high."
+
+"High, my dear sir! consider the situation, the advantages.  We can't
+build them fast enough at that price.  But of course, sir, you best
+know," replied he, carelessly walking towards the window.
+
+"Take it; my dear," said my wife.
+
+"You must take it, papa."
+
+"Pray take it, papa."
+
+"Mr Whats-your-name, I beg your pardon--"
+
+"Smithers, sir," said the builder, turning round.
+
+"Pray, Mr Smithers, what term of lease do you let at?"
+
+"Seven, fourteen, or twenty-one, at the option of either party, sir."
+
+"I should have no objection to take it for three years."
+
+"Three years, my dear sir!--that would be doing yourself an injustice.
+You would lose half the value of your fixtures provided you left--and
+then the furniture.  Depend upon it, sir, if you once get into it, you
+will never wish to leave it."
+
+"That may or not be," replied I; "but I will not take it for more than
+three years.  The town-air may not agree with me; and if, as you say,
+people are so anxious to take the houses, of course it can make no
+difference to you."
+
+"I'm afraid, sir, that for so short a time--"
+
+"I will not take it for longer," replied I, rising up, glad of an excuse
+to be off.
+
+"Oh, papa!"
+
+"My dear Mr B--."
+
+"On that point," replied I, "I will not be overruled.  I will not take a
+lease for more than three years, with the right of continuing, if I
+please."
+
+The builder perceived that I was in earnest.
+
+"Well, sir," replied he, "I hardly know what to say; but rather than
+disappoint the ladies, I will accept you as a tenant for three years
+certain."
+
+"Confound the fellow!" thought I; but I was pinned, and there was an end
+of the matter.  Mr Smithers pulled out paper and ink; two letters of
+agreement were written upon a small deal table, covered with blotches of
+various coloured paints; and the affair was thus concluded.
+
+We got into the carriage and drove home, my wife and daughters in
+ecstasies, and I obliged to appear very well satisfied, that I might not
+damp their spirits; yet I must say that although the house appeared a
+very nice house, I had my forebodings.
+
+"At all events," thought I, "the lease is only for three years;" and
+thus I consoled myself.
+
+The next day the whole house was in commotion.  I believe my wife and
+daughters were up at daybreak.  When I went into the breakfast room, I
+discovered that the pictures had been taken down, although there was no
+chance of their being hung up for many weeks at least, and every thing
+was in preparation for packing up.  After breakfast my wife set off for
+town to order carpets and curtains, and did not come home till six
+o'clock, very tired with the fatigues of the day.  She had also brought
+the measure of every grate, to ascertain what fenders would suit; the
+measure of the bed-rooms and attics, to remodel the carpets; for it was
+proposed that Brompton Hall should be disposed of, the new occupier
+taking at a valuation what furniture might be left.  To this I appeared
+to consent; but was resolved in my own mind that, if taken, it should
+only be for the same term of years as my new lease.  I will pass over a
+month of hurry, bustle, and confusion; at the end of which I found
+myself in our new habitation.  It was completely furnished, with the
+exception of the drawing-room carpet, which had not been laid down, but
+was still in a roll tied up with packthread in the middle of the room.
+The cause of this I soon understood from my wife.  It was always the
+custom, she said, to give a house-warming upon entering a new house, and
+she therefore proposed giving a little dance.  To this, as it would
+please her and my daughters, I raised no objection.
+
+I have always observed, that what is proposed as a little dance
+invariably ends in a great one; for from the time of proposing till the
+cards are about, it increases like a snowball; but that arises, perhaps,
+from the extreme difficulty of knowing when to draw the line between
+friends and acquaintances.  I have also observed that when your wife and
+daughters intend such a thing, they always obtain permission for the
+ball first, and then tack on the supper afterwards; commencing with a
+mere stand-up affair,--sandwiches, cakes, and refreshments,--and ending
+with a regular sit-down affair, with Gunter presiding over all.  The
+music from two fiddles and a piano also swells into Collinet's band,
+verifying the old adage, "In for a penny, in for a pound."  But to all
+this I gave my consent; I could afford it well, and I liked to please my
+wife and daughters.  The ball was given, and this house-warming ended in
+house-breaking; for just before the supper-quadrille, as it was termed,
+when about twenty-four young ladies and gentlemen were going the grand
+ronde, a loud noise below, with exclamations and shrieks, was heard, and
+soon afterwards the whole staircase was smothered with dust.
+
+"What _is_ the matter?" cried my wife, who had passed to the
+landing-place on the stairs before me.
+
+"Ma'am," said one of Mr Gunter's men, shaking the lappets of his blue
+coat, which were covered with white dust, "the whole ceiling of the
+dining-room has come down!"
+
+"Ceiling come down!" screamed my wife.
+
+"Yes, ma'am," replied our own servant; "and the supper and supper-tables
+are all smashed flat with the weight on it."
+
+Here was a catastrophe.  My wife hastened down, and I followed.  Sure
+enough the weight of mortar had crushed all beneath it--all was chaos
+and confusion.  Jellies, blancmanges, pates, cold roasts, creams,
+trifles,--all in one mass of ruin, mixed up with lime, horse-hair,
+plaster of Paris, and stucco.  It wore all the appearance of a Swiss
+avalanche in miniature.
+
+"Good heavens, how dreadful!" exclaimed my wife.
+
+"How much more so if there had been people in the room," replied I.
+
+"What could be the cause of it!" exclaimed my wife.
+
+"These new houses, sir, won't bear dancing in," observed Mr Gunter's
+head man.
+
+"So it appears," replied I.
+
+This unfortunate accident was the occasion of the party breaking up:
+they knew that there was no chance of supper, which they had looked
+forward to; so they put on their shawls and departed, leaving us to
+clear up the wreck at our leisure.  In fact, as my daughters declared,
+it quite spoiled the ball as well as the supper.
+
+The next morning I sent for Mr Smithers, who made his appearance, and
+showed him what had taken place.
+
+"Dear me, I'm very sorry; but you had too many people above stairs--that
+is very clear."
+
+"Very clear, indeed, Mr Smithers.  We had a ball last night."
+
+"A ball, sir!  Oh, then no wonder."
+
+"No wonder!  What! do you mean to say that balls are not to be given?"
+
+"Why, really, sir, we do not build private houses for ball-rooms--we
+could not, sir; the price of timber just now is enormous, and the
+additional strength required would never pay us."
+
+"What then! do you mean to say that there are no balls to be given in
+London?"
+
+"Oh no, sir!--certainly not; but you must be aware that few people do.
+Even our aristocracy hire Willis's rooms for their balls.  Some of the
+old houses, indeed, such as Devonshire House, may do for such a thing."
+
+"But, Mr Smithers, I expect you will make this ceiling good."
+
+"Much obliged to you, sir, for giving me the preference--I will do it as
+reasonable as anybody," replied Mr Smithers, bowing.  "I will order my
+workmen directly--they are only next door."
+
+For a fortnight we were condemned to dine in the back dining-room; and
+after that Mr Smithers sent in a bill which cost me more than the ball
+and supper.
+
+So soon as all was right again, I determined that I would hang up my
+pictures; for I had been accustomed to look at them for years, and I
+missed them.  I sent for a carpenter, and gave him directions.
+
+"I have the middle now, sir, exactly," said the man, standing on the
+high steps; "but," continued he, tapping with his hammer, "I can't find
+wood."
+
+"Can't find wood!"
+
+"No, sir," replied the man, tapping as far as he could reach from right
+to left; "nothing to nail to, sir.  But there never is no wood in these
+new-built houses."
+
+"Confound your new houses!" exclaimed I.
+
+"Well, it is very provoking, my dear!" exclaimed my wife.
+
+"I suppose that their new houses are not built for pictures any more
+than for balls," replied I; and I sighed.  "What must be done?"
+
+"I think, sir, if you were to order brass rods to be fixed from one
+corner to the other, we might find means to fasten them," observed the
+carpenter; "but there's no wood, that's certain."
+
+"What the devil is the house built of then?" exclaimed I.
+
+"All lath and plaster, sir," replied the man, tapping right and left.
+
+At a heavy expense I procured the rods, and at last the pictures were
+hung up.
+
+The next annoyance that we had was a very bad smell, which we found to
+proceed from the drains; and the bricklayers were sent for.  All the
+drains were choked, it appeared, from their being so very narrow; and
+after having up the whole basement, at the expense of 40 pounds, that
+nuisance was abated.
+
+We now had two months' repose, and I was in hopes that things would go
+on more comfortably; but one day I overheard a conversation between my
+wife and daughters, as I passed by the door of the room, which I must
+candidly acknowledge gave me satisfaction.
+
+"It's really very awkward, mamma--one don't know where to put anything:
+there's not a cupboard or stow-hole in the whole house--not even a
+store-room."
+
+"Well, it is so, my dear; I wonder we did not observe it when we looked
+over it.  What a nice set of cupboards we had at Brompton Hall."
+
+"Oh! yes--I wish we had them here, mamma.  Couldn't we have some built?"
+
+"I don't like to speak to your papa about it, my dear; he has already
+been put to such expense, what with the ceiling and the drains."
+
+"Then don't, mamma; papa is really very good-natured."
+
+The equinoxes now came on, and we had several gales of wind, with heavy
+rain--the slates blew off and rattled up and down all night, while the
+wind howled round the corner of the square.  The next morning complaints
+from all the attic residents; one's bed was wetted quite through with
+the water dropping through the ceiling--another had been obliged to put
+a basin on the floor to catch the leak--all declared that the roof was
+like a sieve.  Sent again for Mr Smithers, and made a complaint.
+
+"This time, Mr Smithers," said I, with the lease in my hand, "I believe
+you will acknowledge these are landlord's repairs."
+
+"Certainly, sir, certainly," exclaimed Mr Smithers; "I shall desire one
+of my men to look to it immediately; but the fact is, with such heavy
+gales, the slates must be expected to move a little.  Duchesses and
+countesses are very light, and the wind gets underneath them."
+
+"Duchesses and countesses very light!" exclaimed my wife; "what do you
+mean?"
+
+"It's the term we give to slates, madam," replied he; "we cannot put on
+a heavy roof with a brick-and-a-half wall.  It would not support one."
+
+"_Brick-and-a-half_ wall!" exclaimed I;--"surely, Mr Smithers, that's
+not quite safe with a house so high."
+
+"Not quite safe, my dear sir, if it were a single house; but," added he,
+"in a row, one house supports another."
+
+"Thank Heaven," thought I, "I have but a three-years' lease, and six
+months are gone already."
+
+But the annoyances up to this period were internal; we now had to
+experience the external nuisances attending a modern-built house.
+
+"Number 1 is taken, papa, and they are getting the furniture in," said
+my eldest daughter one day; "I hope we shall have nice neighbours.  And
+William told Mary that Mr Smithers told him, when he met him in the
+street, that he was now going to fit up Number 3 as fast as he could."
+
+The report was true, as we found from the report of the carpenters'
+hammers for the next three or four weeks.  We could not obtain a
+moment's sleep except in the early part of the night, or a minute's
+repose to our ears during the day.  The sound appeared as if it was _in_
+our house instead of next door; and it commenced at six o'clock in the
+morning, and lasted till seven in the evening.  I was hammered to death;
+and, unfortunately, there was a constant succession of rain, which
+prevented me going out to avoid it.  I had nothing to do but to watch my
+pictures, as they jumped from the wall with the thumps of the hammers.
+At last Number 3 was floored, wainscotted, and glazed, and we had a
+week's repose.
+
+By this time Number 1 was furnished, and the parties who had taken it
+came in.  They were a gouty old gentleman, and his wife, who, report
+said, had once been his cook.  My daughters' hopes of pleasant
+neighbours were disappointed.  Before they had been in a week, we found
+ourselves at issue: the old gentleman's bed was close to the
+partition-wall, and in the dead of the night we could distinctly hear
+his groans and also his execrations and exclamations, when the fit came
+on him.  My wife and daughters declared that it was quite horrible, and
+that they could not sleep for them.
+
+Upon the eighth day there came a note:--"Mrs Whortleback's compliments
+to Mr and Mrs --, and begs that the young people will not play on the
+piany, as Mr Whortleback is very ill with the gout."
+
+Now, my daughters were proficients on the piano, and practised a great
+deal.  This note was anything but satisfactory: to play when the old
+gentleman was ill would be barbarous,--not to play was to deprive
+ourselves of our greatest pleasure.
+
+"Oh dear! how very disagreeable," cried my daughters.
+
+"Yes, my dear; but if we can hear his groans, it's no wonder that he can
+hear the piano and harp: recollect the wall is only a brick and a half
+thick."
+
+"I wonder music don't soothe him," observed the eldest.
+
+Music is a mockery to a man in agony.  A man who has been broken on the
+wheel would not have his last hours soothed by the finest orchestra.
+After a week, during which we sent every day to inquire after Mr
+Whortleback's health, we ventured to resume the piano and harp; upon
+which the old gentleman became testy, and sent for a man with a trumpet,
+placing him in the balcony, and desiring him to play as much out of tune
+as possible whenever the harp and piano sounded a note.  Thus were we at
+open hostility with our only neighbour; and, as we were certain if my
+daughters touched their instruments, to have the trumpet blowing discord
+for an hour or two either that day or the next, at last the piano was
+unopened, and the harp remained in its case.  Before the year closed,
+Number 3 became tenanted; and here we had a new annoyance.  It was
+occupied by a large family; and there were four young ladies who were
+learning music.  We now had our annoyance: it was strum, strum, all day
+long; one sister up, another down; and every one knows what a bore the
+first lessons in music are to those who are compelled to hear them.
+They could just manage to play a tune, and that eternal tune was ringing
+in our ears from morning to night.  We could not send our compliments,
+or blow a trumpet.  We were forced to submit to it.  The nursery also
+being against the partition wall, we had the squalls and noise of the
+children on the one side, added to groans and execrations of the old
+gentleman on the other.
+
+However, custom reconciled us to everything, and the first vexation
+gradually wore off.  Yet I could not help observing that when I was
+supposed not to be in hearing, the chief conversation of my wife, when
+her friends called upon her, consisted of a description of all the
+nuisances and annoyances that we suffered; and I felt assured that she
+and my daughters were as anxious to return to Brompton Hall as I was.
+In fact, the advantages which they had anticipated by their town
+residence were not realised.  In our situation, we were as far off from
+most of our friends, and still farther from some than we were before,
+and we had no longer the same amusements to offer them.  At our former
+short distance from town, access was more easy to those who did not keep
+a carriage, that is, the young men; and those were the parties who, of
+course, my wife and daughters cared for most.  It was very agreeable to
+come down with their portmanteaus,--enjoy the fresh air and green lanes
+of the country for an afternoon,--dine, sleep, and breakfast, and return
+the next morning by conveyances which passed us every quarter of an
+hour; but to dine with us in -- Square, when the expense of a
+hackney-coach there and back was no trifle, and to return at eleven
+o'clock at night, was not at all agreeable.  We found that we had not so
+much society, nor were we half so much courted, as at Brompton Hall.
+This was the bitterest blow of all, and my wife and daughters would look
+out of the windows and sigh; often a whole day passed without one friend
+or acquaintance dropping in to relieve its monotony.
+
+We continued to reside there, nevertheless, for I had made up my mind
+that the three years would be well spent if they cured my wife and
+daughters of their town mania; and although anxious, as I am sure they
+were, to return, I never broached the matter, for I was determined that
+the cure should be radical.  Numbers 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8, were finished
+the next year, and, by the persuasions of Mr Smithers, were taken by
+different parties in the spring.  And now we had another nuisance.
+Nothing but eternal rings at the bell.  The man-servant grumbled, and
+was behind with his work; and when scolded, replied that there was no
+time for any thing, that when cleaning his knives and plate the bell was
+rung, and he was obliged to wash himself, throw on his jacket, and go up
+to answer the front door; that the bell was not rung for us, but to find
+out where some new-comer lived, and to ascertain this they always rang
+at the house which appeared the longest inhabited.  There was no end to
+the ringing for some months, and we had three servants who absolutely
+refused to stay in so bad a place.  We had also to contend with letters
+and notes in the same way, brought to us at haphazard: "Does Mr
+So-and-so live here?"--"No, he does not."--"Then pray where does he?"
+This was interminable, and not five minutes in the day passed without
+the door-bell being rung.  For the sake of not changing my servants I
+was at last put to the expense of an extra boy for no other purpose but
+to answer the constant applications at the door.  At last we had
+remained there for two years and nine months, and then my wife would
+occasionally put the question whether I intended to renew the lease; and
+I naturally replied that I did not like change.
+
+Then she went upon another tack; observed that Clara did not appear well
+for some time, and that she thought that she required country air; but,
+in this, I did not choose to agree with her.
+
+One day I came home, and, rubbing my hands as if pleased, said, "Well,
+at last I've an offer for Brompton Villa for a term of seven years,--a
+very fair offer and good tenants,--so that will now be off my hands."
+
+My wife looked mortified, and my daughters held down their heads.
+
+"Have you let it, papa?" said one of my daughters, timidly.
+
+"No, not yet; but I am to give an answer to-morrow morning."
+
+"It requires consideration, my dear," replied my wife.
+
+"Requires consideration!" said I.  "Why, my dear, the parties have seen
+the house, and I have been trying to let it these three years.  I
+recollect when I took this house I said it required consideration, but
+you would not allow any such thing."
+
+"I'm sure I wish we had," said Clara.
+
+"And so do I."
+
+"The fact is, my dear," said my wife, coming round to the back of my
+chair, and putting her arms round my neck, "we all wish to go back to
+Brompton."
+
+"Yes, yes, papa," added my daughters, embracing me on each side.
+
+"You will allow, then, that I was right in not taking a lease for more
+than three years."
+
+"Yes: how lucky you were so positive!"
+
+"Well, then, if that is the case, we will unfurnish this house, and, as
+soon as you please, go back to Brompton Hall."
+
+I hardly need observe that we took possession of our old abode with
+delight, and that I have had no more applications for a change of
+residence, or have again heard the phrase that we were living "out of
+the world."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY SIX.
+
+THE WAY TO BE HAPPY.
+
+Cut your coat according to your cloth, is an old maxim and a wise one;
+and if people will only square their ideas according to their
+circumstances, how much happier might we all be!  If we only would come
+down a peg or two in our notions, in accordance with our waning
+fortunes, happiness would be always within our reach.  It is not what we
+have, or what we have not, which adds or subtracts from our felicity.
+It is the longing for more than we have, the envying of those who
+possess that more, and the wish to appear in the world of more
+consequence than we really are, which destroy our peace of mind, and
+eventually lead to ruin.
+
+I never witnessed a man submitting to circumstances with good humour and
+good sense, so remarkably as in my friend Alexander Willemott.  When I
+first met him, since our school days, it was at the close of the war: he
+had been a large contractor with Government for army clothing and
+accoutrements, and was said to have realised an immense fortune,
+although his accounts were not yet settled.  Indeed it was said that
+they were so vast, that it would employ the time of six clerks, for two
+years, to examine them, previous to the balance sheet being struck.  As
+I observed, he had been at school with me, and, on my return from the
+East Indies, I called upon him to renew our old acquaintance, and
+congratulate him upon his success.
+
+"My dear Reynolds, I am delighted to see you.  You must come down to
+Belem Castle; Mrs Willemott will receive you with pleasure, I'm sure.
+You shall see my two girls."
+
+I consented.  The chaise stopped at a splendid mansion, and I was
+ushered in by a crowd of liveried servants.  Every thing was on the most
+sumptuous and magnificent scale.  Having paid my respects to the lady of
+the house, I retired to dress, as dinner was nearly ready, it being then
+half-past seven o'clock.  It was eight before we sat down.  To an
+observation that I made, expressing a hope that I had not occasioned the
+dinner being put off, Willemott replied, "On the contrary, my dear
+Reynolds, we never sit down until about this hour.  How people can dine
+at four or five o'clock, I cannot conceive.  I could not touch a
+mouthful."
+
+The dinner was excellent, and I paid the encomiums which were its due.
+
+"Do not be afraid, my dear fellow--my cook is an _artiste
+extraordinaire_--a regular _Cordon Bleu_.  You may eat any thing without
+fear of indigestion.  How people can live upon the English cookery of
+the present day, I cannot conceive.  I seldom dine out, for fear of
+being poisoned.  Depend upon it, a good cook lengthens your days, and no
+price is too great to insure one."
+
+When the ladies retired, being alone, we entered into friendly
+conversation.  I expressed my admiration of his daughters, who certainly
+were very handsome and elegant girls.
+
+"Very true; they are more than passable," replied he.  "We have had many
+offers, but not such as come up to my expectations.  Baronets are cheap
+now-a-days, and Irish lords are nothings; I hope to settle them
+comfortably.  We shall see.  Try this claret; you will find it
+excellent, not a headache in a hogshead of it.  How people can drink
+port, I cannot imagine."
+
+The next morning he proposed that I should rattle round the park with
+him.  I acceded, and we set off in a handsome open carriage, with four
+greys, ridden by postilions at a rapid pace.  As we were whirling along,
+he observed, "In town we must of course drive but a pair, but in the
+country I never go out without four horses.  There is a spring in four
+horses which is delightful; it makes your spirits elastic, and you feel
+that the poor animals are not at hard labour.  Rather than not drive
+four, I would prefer to stay at home."
+
+Our ride was very pleasant, and in such amusements passed away one of
+the most pleasant weeks that I ever remembered.  Willemott was not the
+least altered--he was as friendly, as sincere, as open-hearted, as when
+a boy at school.  I left him, pleased with his prosperity, and
+acknowledging that he was well deserving of it, although his ideas had
+assumed such a scale of magnificence.
+
+I went to India when my leave expired, and was absent about four years.
+On my return, I inquired after my friend Willemott, and was told that
+his circumstances and expectations had been greatly altered.  From many
+causes, such as a change in the Government, a demand for economy, and
+the wording of his contracts having been differently rendered from what
+Willemott had supposed their meaning to be, large items had been struck
+out of his balance sheet, and, instead of being a millionaire, he was
+now a gentleman with a handsome property.  Belem Castle had been sold,
+and he now lived at Richmond, as hospitable as ever, and was considered
+a great addition to the neighbourhood.  I took the earliest opportunity
+of going down to see him.
+
+"Oh, my dear Reynolds, this is really kind of you to come without
+invitation.  Your room is ready, and bed well aired, for it was slept in
+three nights ago.  Come--Mrs Willemott will be delighted to see you."
+
+I found the girls still unmarried, but they were yet young.  The whole
+family appeared as contented and happy, and as friendly, as before.  We
+sat down to dinner at six o'clock; the footman and coachman attended.
+The dinner was good, but not by the _artiste extraordinaire_.  I praised
+everything.
+
+"Yes," replied he, "she is a very good cook; she unites the solidity of
+the English with the delicacy of the French fare; and, altogether, I
+think it a _decided improvement_.  Jane is quite a treasure."  After
+dinner, he observed, "Of course you know I have sold Belem Castle, and
+reduced my establishment.  Government have not treated me fairly, but I
+am at the mercy of Commissioners, and a body of men will do that which,
+as individuals, they would be ashamed of.  The fact is, the odium is
+borne by no one in particular, and it is only the sense of shame which
+keeps us honest, I am afraid.  However, here you see me, with a
+comfortable fortune, and always happy to see my friends, especially my
+old schoolfellow.  Will you take _port_ or claret; the port is very
+fine, and so is the claret.  By the by, do you know--I'll let you into a
+family secret; Louisa is to be married to a Colonel Willer--an
+_excellent_ match!  It has made us all happy."
+
+The next day we drove out, not in an open carriage as before, but in a
+chariot and with a _pair of horses_.
+
+"These are handsome horses," observed I.
+
+"Yes," replied he, "I am fond of good horses; and, as I only keep a
+pair, I have the best.  There is a certain degree of pretension in _four
+horses_, I do not much like--it appears as if you wished to overtop your
+neighbours."
+
+I spent a few very pleasant days, and then quitted his hospitable roof.
+A severe cold, caught that winter, induced me to take the advice of the
+physicians, and proceed to the South of France, where I remained two
+years.  On my return, I was informed that Willemott had speculated, and
+had been unlucky on the Stock Exchange; that he had left Richmond, and
+was now living at Clapham.  The next day I met him near the Exchange.
+
+"Reynolds, I am happy to see you.  Thompson told me that you had come
+back.  If not better engaged, come down to see me; I will drive you down
+at four o'clock, if that will suit."
+
+It suited me very well, and, at four o'clock, I met him according to
+appointment at a livery stables over the Iron Bridge.  His vehicle was
+ordered out, it was a phaeton drawn by two long-tailed ponies--
+altogether a very neat concern.  We set off at a rapid pace.
+
+"They step out well, don't they?  We shall be down in plenty of time to
+put on a pair of shoes by five o'clock, which is _our dinner-time_.
+Late dinners don't agree with me--they produce indigestion.  Of course,
+you know that Louisa has a little boy."
+
+I did not; but congratulated him.
+
+"Yes, and has now gone out to India with her husband.  Mary is also
+engaged to be married--a very _good_ match--a Mr Rivers, in the law.
+He has been called to the bar this year, and promises well.  They will
+be a little pinched at first, but we must see what we can do for them."
+
+We stopped at a neat row of houses, I forget the name, and, as we drove
+up, the servant, the only man-servant, came out, and took the ponies
+round to the stable, while the maid received my luggage, and one or two
+paper-bags, containing a few extras for the occasion.  I was met with
+the same warmth as usual by Mrs Willemott.  The house was small, but
+very neat; the remnants of former grandeur appeared here and there, in
+one or two little articles, favourites of the lady.  We sat down at five
+o'clock to a _plain_ dinner, and were attended by the footman, who had
+rubbed down the ponies and pulled on his livery.
+
+"A good plain cook is the best thing, after all," observed Willemott.
+"Your fine cooks won't condescend to roast and boil.  Will you take some
+of this sirloin, the under-cut is excellent.  My dear, give Mr Reynolds
+some Yorkshire pudding."
+
+When we were left alone after dinner, Willemott told me, very
+unconcernedly, of his losses.
+
+"It was my own fault," said he; "I wished to make up a little sum for
+the girls, and risking what they would have had, I left them almost
+pennyless.  However, we can always command a bottle of port and a
+beef-steak, and _what more_ in this world can you have?  Will you take
+port or white?--I have no claret to offer you."
+
+We finished our port, but I could perceive no difference in Willemott.
+He was just as happy and as cheerful as ever.  He drove me to town the
+next day.  During our drive, he observed, "I like ponies, they are so
+little trouble; and I prefer them to driving one horse in this vehicle,
+as I can put my wife and daughters into it.  It's selfish to keep a
+carriage for yourself alone, and one horse in a four-wheeled double
+chaise appears like an imposition upon the poor animal."
+
+I went to Scotland, and remained about a year.  On my return, I found
+that my friend Willemott had again shifted his quarters.  He was at
+Brighton; and having nothing better to do, I put myself in the "Times,"
+and arrived at the Bedford Hotel.  It was not until after some inquiry,
+that I could find out his address.  At last I obtained it, in a
+respectable but not fashionable part of this overgrown town.  Willemott
+received me just as before.
+
+"I have no spare bed to offer you, but you must breakfast and dine with
+us every day.  Our house is small, but it's very comfortable, and
+Brighton is a very convenient place.  You know Mary is married.  A good
+place in the courts was for sale, and my wife and I agreed to purchase
+it for Rivers.  It has reduced us a little, but they are very
+comfortable.  I have retired from business altogether; in fact, as my
+daughters are both married, and we have enough to live upon, what can we
+wish for more?  Brighton is very gay, and always healthy; and, as for
+carriage and horses, they are no use here--there are _flies_ at every
+corner of the streets."
+
+I accepted his invitation to dinner.  A parlour-maid waited, but
+everything, although very plain, was clean and comfortable.
+
+"I have still a bottle of wine for a friend, Reynolds," said Willemott,
+after dinner; "but, for my part, I prefer _whisky-toddy_--it agrees with
+me better.  Here's to the health of my two girls, God bless them, and
+success to them in life!"
+
+"My dear Willemott," said I, "I take the liberty of an old friend, but I
+am so astonished at your philosophy, that I cannot help it.  When I call
+to mind Belem Castle, your large establishment, your luxuries, your
+French cook, and your stud of cattle, I wonder at your contented state
+of mind under such a change of circumstances."
+
+"I almost wonder myself, my dear fellow," replied he.  "I never could
+have believed, at that time, that I could live happily under such a
+change of circumstances; but the fact is, that, although I have been a
+contractor, I have a good conscience; then, my wife is an excellent
+woman, and provided she sees me and her daughters happy, thinks nothing
+about herself; and, further, I have made it a rule, as I have been going
+down hill, to find reasons why I should be thankful, and not
+discontented.  Depend upon it, Reynolds, it is not a loss of fortune
+which will affect your happiness, as long as you have peace and love at
+home."
+
+I took my leave of Willemott and his wife, with respect as well as
+regard; convinced that there was no pretended indifference to worldly
+advantages; that it was not, that the grapes were sour, but that he had
+learned the whole art of happiness, by being contented with what he had,
+and by "cutting his coat according to his cloth."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN.
+
+HOW TO WRITE A FASHIONABLE NOVEL.
+
+[_Scene--Chamber in Lincoln's Inn_.  ARTHUR ANSARD _at a briefless
+table, tete-a-tete with his wig on a block_.  A _casts a disconsolate
+look upon his companion, and soliloquises_.]
+
+Yes, there you stand, "partner of my toils, my feelings, and my fame."
+We do not _suit_, for we never gained a _suit_ together.  Well, what
+with reporting for the bar, writing for the Annuals and the
+Pocket-books, I shall be able to meet all demands, except those of my
+tailor; and, as his bill is most characteristically long, I think I
+shall be able to make it stretch over till next term, by which time I
+hope to fulfil my engagements with Mr C, who has given me an order for
+a fashionable novel, written by a "nobleman."  But how I, who was never
+inside of an aristocratical mansion in my life, whose whole idea of
+Court is comprised in the Court of King's Bench, am to complete my
+engagement, I know no more than my companion opposite, who looks so
+placidly stupid under my venerable wig.  As far as the street door, the
+footman and carriage, and the porter, are concerned, I can manage well
+enough; but as to what occurs within doors I am quite abroad.  I shall
+never get through the first chapter; yet that tailor's bill must be
+paid.  (_Knocking outside_.)  Come in, I pray.
+
+_Enter_ BARNSTAPLE.
+
+_B_.  Merry Christmas to you, Arthur.
+
+_A_.  Sit down, my dear fellow; but don't mock me with merry Christmas.
+He emigrated long ago.  Answer me seriously: do you think it possible
+for a man to describe what he never saw?
+
+_B (putting his stick up to his chin_.)  Why, 'tis possible; but I would
+not answer for the description being quite correct.
+
+_A_.  But suppose the parties who read it have never seen the thing
+described?
+
+_B_.  Why then it won't signify whether the description be correct or
+not.
+
+_A_.  You have taken a load off my mind; but still I am not quite at
+ease.  I have engaged to furnish C with a fashionable novel.
+
+_B_.  What do you mean to imply by a fashionable novel?
+
+_A_.  I really can hardly tell.  His stipulations were, that it was to
+be a "fashionable novel in three volumes, each volume not less than
+three hundred pages."
+
+_B_.  That is to say, that you are to assist him in imposing on the
+public.
+
+_A_.  Something very like it, I'm afraid; as it is further agreed that
+it is to be puffed as coming from a highly talented nobleman.
+
+_B_.  You should not do it, Ansard.
+
+_A_.  So conscience tells me, but my tailor's bill says Yes; and that is
+a thing out of all conscience.  Only look here.
+
+                                                 _Displays a long bill_.
+_B_.  Why, I must acknowledge, Ansard, that there is some excuse.  One
+needs must, when the devil drives; but you are capable of better things.
+
+_A_.  I certainly don't feel great capability in this instance.  But
+what can I do?  The man will have nothing else--he says the public will
+read nothing else.
+
+_B_.  That is to say, that because one talented author astonished the
+public by style and merits peculiarly his own, and established, as it
+were, a school for neophites, his popularity is to be injured by
+contemptible imitators.  It is sufficient to drive a man mad, to find
+that the tinsel of others, if to be purchased more cheaply, is to be
+pawned upon the public instead of his gold; and more annoying still,
+that the majority of the public cannot appreciate the difference between
+the metal and the alloy.  Do you know, Ansard, that by getting up this
+work, you really injure the popularity of a man of great talent?
+
+_A_.  Will he pay my tailor's bill!
+
+_B_.  No; I dare say he has enough to do to pay his own.  What does your
+tailor say?
+
+_A_.  He is a staunch reformer, and on March the 1st he declares that he
+will have the bill, the whole bill, and nothing but the bill--carried to
+my credit.  Mr C, on the 10th of February, also expects the novel, the
+whole novel, and nothing but the novel, and that must be a fashionable
+novel.  Look here, Barnstaple.  (_Shows his tailor's bill_).
+
+_B_.  I see how it is.  He "pays your poverty, and not your will."
+
+_A_.  And, by your leave, I thus must pay my bill (_bowing_).
+
+_B_.  Well, well, I can help you: nothing more difficult than to write a
+good novel, and nothing more easy than to write a bad one.  If I were
+not above the temptation, I could pen you a dozen of the latter every
+ordinary year, and thirteen, perhaps, in the bissextile.  So banish that
+Christmas cloud from your brow; leave off nibbling your pen at the wrong
+end, and clap a fresh nib to the right one.  I have an hour to spare.
+
+_A_.  I thank you: that spare hour of yours may save me many a spare
+day.  I'm all attention--proceed.
+
+_B_.  The first point to be considered is the _tempus_, or time; the
+next the _locus_, or place; and lastly the _dramatis personae_ and thus,
+chapter upon chapter, will you build a novel.
+
+_A_.  Build!
+
+_B_.  Yes, build; you have had your dimensions given, the interior is
+left to your own decoration.  First, as to the opening.  Suppose we
+introduce the hero in his dressing-room.  We have something of the kind
+in Pelham; and if we can't copy his merits, we must his peculiarities.
+Besides, it always is effective: a dressing-room or boudoir of supposed
+great people, is admitting the vulgar into the arcana, which they
+delight in.
+
+_A_.  Nothing can be better.
+
+_B_.  Then, as to time; as the hero is still in bed, suppose we say four
+o'clock in the afternoon?
+
+_A_.  In the morning, you mean.
+
+_B_.  No; the afternoon.  I grant you that fashionable young men in real
+life get up much about the same time as other people; but in a
+fashionable novel your real exclusive never rises early.  The very idea
+makes the tradesman's wife lift up her eyes.  So begin.  "It was about
+thirty-three minutes after four, _post meridian_--."
+
+_A_.  Minute--to a minute!
+
+_B_.  "That the Honourable Augustus Bouverie's finely chiselled--"
+
+_A_.  Chiselled!
+
+_B_.  Yes; great people are always chiselled; common people are only
+cast.--"Finely chiselled head was still recumbent upon his silk-encased
+pillow.  His luxuriant and Antinous-like curls were now confined in
+_papillotes_ of the finest satin paper, and the _tout ensemble_ of his
+head--"
+
+_A.  Tout ensemble_!
+
+_B_.  Yes; go on.--"Was gently compressed by a caul of the finest
+net-work, composed of the threads spun from the beauteous production of
+the Italian worm."
+
+_A_.  Ah! now I perceive--a silk nightcap.  But why can't I say at once
+a silk nightcap?
+
+_B_.  Because you are writing a fashionable novel.--"With the forefinger
+of his gloved left hand--"
+
+_A_.  But he's not coming in from a walk--he's not yet out of bed.
+
+_B_.  You don't understand it.--"Gloved left hand he applied a gentle
+friction to the portal of his right eye, which unclosing at the silent
+summons, enabled him to perceive a repeater studded with brilliants, and
+ascertain the exact minute of time, which we have already made known to
+the reader, and at which our history opens."
+
+_A_.  A very grand opening indeed!
+
+_B_.  Not more than it ought to be for a fashionable novel.--"At the
+sound of a silver _clochette_, his faithful Swiss valet Coridon, who had
+for some time been unperceived at the door, waiting for some notice of
+his master, having thrown off the empire of Somnus, in his light pumps,
+covered with beaver, moved with noiseless step up to the bedside, like
+the advance of eve stealing over the face of nature."
+
+_A_.  Rather an incongruous simile.
+
+_B_.  Not for a fashionable novel.--"There he stood, like Taciturnity
+bowing at the feet of proud Authority."
+
+_A_.  Indeed, Barnstaple, that is too _outre_.
+
+_B_.  Not a whit: I am in the true "Cambysis' vein."--"Coridon having
+softly withdrawn the rose-coloured gros de Naples bed-curtains, which by
+some might have been thought to have been rather too extravagantly
+fringed with the finest Mechlin lace, exclaimed with a tone of tremulous
+deference and affection, `_Monsieur a bien dormi_?'  `Coridon,' said the
+Honourable Augustus Bouverie, raising himself on his elbow in that
+eminently graceful attitude for which he was so remarkable when
+reclining on the ottomans at Almacks--"
+
+_A_.  Are you sure they have ottomans there?
+
+_B_.  No; but your readers can't disprove it.--"`Coridon,' said he,
+surveying his attendant from head to foot, and ultimately assuming a
+severity of countenance, `Coridon, you are becoming gross, if not
+positively what the people call _fat_.'  The Swiss attendant fell back
+in graceful astonishment three steps, and arching his eyebrows,
+extending his inverted palms forward, and raising his shoulders above
+the apex of his head, exclaimed, `_Pardon, milor, j'en aurais un horreur
+parfait_.'  `I tell you,' replied our gracefully recumbent hero, `that
+it is so, Coridon; and I ascribe it to your partiality for that
+detestable wine called Port.  Confine yourself to Hock and Moselle,
+sirrah: I fear me, you have a base hankering after mutton and beef.
+Restrict yourself to salads, and do not sin even with an omelette more
+than once a week.  Coridon must be visionary and diaphanous, or he is no
+Coridon for me.  Remove my night-gloves, and assist me to rise: it is
+past four o'clock, and the sun must have, by this time, sufficiently
+aired this terrestrial globe.'"
+
+_A_.  I have it now; I feel I could go on for an hour.
+
+_B_.  Longer than that, before you get him out of his dressing-room.
+You must make at least five chapters before he is apparelled, or how can
+you write a fashionable novel, in which you cannot afford more than two
+incidents in the three volumes?  Two are absolutely necessary for the
+editor of the Gazette to extract as specimens, before he winds up an
+eulogy.  Do you think that you can proceed now for a week, without my
+assistance?
+
+_A_.  I think so, if you will first give me some general ideas.  In the
+first place, am I always to continue in this style?
+
+_B_.  No; I thought you knew better.  You must throw in patches of
+philosophy every now and then.
+
+_A_.  Philosophy in a fashionable novel?
+
+_B_.  Most assuredly, or it would be complained of as trifling; but a
+piece, now and then, of philosophy, as unintelligible as possible,
+stamps it with deep thought.  In the dressing-room, or boudoir, it must
+be occasionally Epicurean; elsewhere, especially in the open air, more
+Stoical.
+
+_A_.  I'm afraid that I shall not manage that without a specimen to copy
+from.  Now I think of it, Eugene Aram says something very beautiful on a
+starry night.
+
+_B_.  He does: it is one of the most splendid pieces of writing in our
+language.  But I will have no profanation, Arthur;--to your pen again,
+and write.  We'll suppose our hero to have retired from the crowded
+festivities of a ball-room at some lordly mansion in the country, and to
+have wandered into a churchyard, damp and dreary with a thick London
+fog.  In the light dress of fashion, he throws himself on a tombstone.
+"Ye dead!" exclaims the hero, "where are ye?  Do your disembodied
+spirits now float around me, and, shrouded in this horrible veil of
+nature, glare unseen upon vitality?  Float ye upon this intolerable
+mist, in yourselves still more misty and intolerable?  Hold ye high
+jubilee to-night? or do ye crouch behind these monitorial stones,
+gibbering and chattering at one who dares thus to invade your precincts?
+Here may I hold communion with my soul, and, in the invisible presence
+of those who could, but dare not to reveal.  Away! it must not be."
+
+_A_.  What mustn't be?
+
+_B_.  That is the mystery which gives the point to his soliloquy.  Leave
+it to the reader's imagination.
+
+_A_.  I understand.  But still the Honourable Augustus cannot lie in bed
+much longer, and I really shall not be able to get him out without your
+assistance.  I do not comprehend how a man can get out of bed
+_gracefully_; he must show his bare legs, and the alteration of position
+is in itself awkward.
+
+_B_.  Not half so awkward as you are.  Do you not feel that he must not
+be got out of bed at all--that is, by description.
+
+_A_.  How then?
+
+_B_.  By saying nothing about it.  Recommence as follows:--"`I should
+like the bath at seventy-six and a half, Coridon,' observed the
+Honourable Augustus Bouverie, as he wrapped his embroidered dressing
+gown round his elegant form, and sank into a _chaise longue_, wheeled by
+his faithful attendant to the fire."  There, you observe, he is out of
+bed, and nothing said about it.
+
+_A_.  Go on, I pray thee.
+
+_A_.  "`How is the bath perfumed?' `_Eau de mille fleurs_.' `_Eau de
+mille fleurs_!  Did not I tell you last week that I was tired of that
+villainous compound?  It has been adulterated till nothing remains but
+its name.  Get me another bath immediately _a la violette_; and,
+Coridon, you may use that other scent, if there is any left, for the
+poodle; but observe, only when _you_ take him an airing, not when he
+goes with _me_.'"
+
+_A_.  Excellent!  I now feel the real merits of an exclusive; but you
+said something about dressing-room, or in-door philosophy.
+
+_B_.  I did; and now is a good opportunity to introduce it.  Coridon
+goes into the ante-chamber to renew the bath, and of course your hero
+has met with a disappointment in not having the bath to his immediate
+pleasure.  He must press his hands to his forehead.  By-the-by,
+recollect that his forehead, when you describe it, must be high and
+white as snow: all aristocratical foreheads are--at least, are in a
+fashionable novel.
+
+_A_.  What! the women's and all?
+
+_B_.  The heroine's must be; the others you may lower as a contrast.
+But to resume with the philosophy.  He strikes his forehead, lifts his
+eyes slowly up to the ceiling, and drops his right arm as slowly down by
+the side of the _chaise longue_; and then in a voice so low that it
+might have been considered a whisper, were it not for its clear and
+brilliant intonation, he exclaims--
+
+_A_.  Exclaims in a whisper!
+
+_B_.  To be sure; you exclaim mentally, why should you not in a whisper?
+
+_A_.  I perceive--your argument is unanswerable.
+
+_B_.  Stop a moment; it will run better thus:--"The Honourable Augustus
+Bouverie no sooner perceived himself alone, than he felt the dark shades
+of melancholy ascending and brooding over his mind, and enveloping his
+throbbing heart in their--their _adamantine_ chains.  Yielding to the
+overwhelming force, he thus exclaimed, `Such is life--we require but one
+flower, and we are offered noisome thousands--refused that we wish, we
+live in loathing of that not worthy to be received--mourners from our
+cradle to our grave, we utter the shrill cry at our birth, and we sink
+in oblivion with the faint, wail of terror.  Why should we, then, ever
+commit the folly to be happy?'"
+
+_A_.  Hang me, but that's a poser!
+
+_B_.  Nonsense! hold your tongue; it is only preparatory to the end.
+"Conviction astonishes and torments--destiny prescribes and falsifies--
+attraction drives us away--humiliation supports our energies.  Thus do
+we recede into the present, and shudder at the Elysium of posterity."
+
+_A_.  I have written all that down, Barnstaple; but I cannot understand
+it, upon my soul!
+
+_B_.  If you had understood one particle, that particle I would have
+erased.  This is your true philosophy of a fashionable novel, the
+extreme interest of which consists in its being unintelligible.  People
+have such an opinion of their own abilities, that if they understood
+you, they would despise you; but a dose like this strikes them with
+veneration for your talents.
+
+_A_.  Your argument is unanswerable; but you said that I must describe
+the dressing-room.
+
+_B_.  Nothing more easy; as a simile, compare it to the shrine of some
+favoured saint in a richly-endowed Catholic church.  Three tables at
+least, full of materials in methodised confusion--all tending to the
+beautification of the human form divine.  Tinted perfumes in every
+variety of cut crystal receivers, gold and silver.  If at a loss, call
+at Bayley and Blew's, or Smith's in Bond Street.  Take an accurate
+survey of all you see, and introduce your whole catalogue.  You cannot
+be too minute.  But, Arthur, you must not expect me to write the whole
+book for you.
+
+_A_.  Indeed I am not so exorbitant in my demands upon your good-nature;
+but observe, I may get up four or five chapters already with the hints
+you have given me, but I do not know how to move, such a creation of the
+brain--so ethereal, that I fear he will melt away; and so fragile, that
+I am in terror lest he fall to pieces.  Now only get him into the
+breakfast-room for me, and then I ask no more for the present.  Only
+dress him, and bring him _down stairs_.
+
+_B_.  There again you prove your incapability.  Bring him down stairs!
+Your hero of a fashionable novel never ascends to the first floor.
+Bed-room, dressing-room, breakfast-room, library, and boudoir, all are
+upon a level.  As for his dressing, you must only describe it as perfect
+when finished; but not enter into a regular detail, except that, in
+conversation with his valet, he occasionally asks for something
+unheard-of, or fastidious to a degree.  You must not walk him from one
+chamber to another, but manage it as follows:--"It was not until the
+beautiful airs of the French clock that decorated the mantel-piece had
+been thrice played, with all their variations, that the Honourable
+Augustus Bouverie entered his library, where he found his assiduous
+Coridon burning an aromatic pastille to disperse the compound of
+villainous exhalations arising from the condensed metropolitan
+atmosphere.  Once more in a state of repose, to the repeated and almost
+affecting solicitations of his faithful attendant, who alternately
+presented to him the hyson of Pekoe, the bohea of Twankay, the fragrant
+berry from the Asiatic shore, and the frothing and perfumed decoction of
+the Indian nut, our hero shook his head in denial, until he at last was
+prevailed upon to sip a small liqueur glass of _eau sucre_."  The fact
+is, Arthur, he is in love--don't you perceive?  Now introduce a friend,
+who rallies him--then a resolution to think no more of the heroine--a
+billet on a golden salver--a counter resolution--a debate which equipage
+to order--a decision at last--hat, gloves, and furred great coat--and by
+that time you will have arrived to the middle of the first volume.
+
+_A_.  I perceive; but I shall certainly stick there without your
+assistance.
+
+_B_.  You shall have it, my dear fellow.  In a week I will call again,
+and see how you get on.  Then we'll introduce the heroine; that, I can
+tell you, requires some tact--_au revoir_.
+
+_A_.  Thanks, many thanks, my dear Barnstaple.  Fare you well.
+
+                                                      _Exit_ BARNSTAPLE.
+_A (looking over his memoranda_.)--It will do!  (_Hopping and dancing
+about the room_.)  Hurrah! my tailor's bill will be paid after all!
+
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+PART II.
+
+MR ARTHUR ANSARD'S _Chambers as before_.  MR ANSARD. _with his eyes
+fixed upon the wig block, gnawing the feather end of his pen.  The
+table, covered with sundry sheets of foolscap, show strong symptoms of
+the Novel progressing_.
+
+ANSARD (_solus_).
+
+Where is Barnstaple?  If he do not come soon, I shall have finished my
+novel without a heroine.  Well, I'm not the first person who has been
+foiled by a woman.  (_Continues to gnaw his pen in a brown study_.)
+
+BARNSTAPLE _enters unperceived, and slaps_ ANSARD _on the shoulder.  The
+latter starts up_.
+
+_B_.  So, friend Ansard, making your dinner off your pen: it is not
+every novel-writer who can contrive to do that even in anticipation.
+Have you profited by my instructions?
+
+_A_.  I wish I had.  I assure you that this light diet has not
+contributed, as might be expected, to assist a heavy head, and one
+feather is not sufficient to enable my genius to take wing.  If the
+public knew what dull work it is to write a novel, they would not be
+surprised at finding them dull reading.  _Ex nihilo nihil fit_.
+Barnstaple, I am at the very bathos of stupidity.
+
+_B_.  You certainly were absorbed when I entered, for I introduced
+myself.
+
+_A_.  I wish you had introduced another personage with you--you would
+have been doubly welcome.
+
+_B_.  Who is that?
+
+_A_.  My heroine.  I have followed your instructions to the letter.  My
+hero is as listless as I fear my readers will be, and he is not yet in
+love.  In fact, he is only captivated with himself.  I have made him
+dismiss Coridon.
+
+_B_.  Hah! how did you manage that?
+
+_A_.  He was sent to ascertain the arms on the panel of a carriage.  In
+his eagerness to execute his master's wishes, he came home with a
+considerable degree of perspiration on his brow, for which offence he
+was immediately put out of doors.
+
+_B_.  Bravo--it was unpardonable--but still--
+
+_A_.  O!  I know what you mean--that is all arranged; he has an annuity
+of one hundred pounds per annum.
+
+_B_.  My dear Ansard, you have exceeded my expectations; but now for the
+heroine.
+
+_A_.  Yes, indeed; help me--for I have exhausted all my powers.
+
+_B_.  It certainly requires much tact to present your heroine to your
+readers.  We are unfortunately denied what the ancients were so happy to
+possess,--a whole _cortege_ of divinities that might be summoned to help
+any great personage in, or the author out of, a difficulty; but since we
+cannot command their assistance, like the man in the play who forgot his
+part, we will do without it.  Now, have you thought of nothing new, for
+we must not plagiarise even from fashionable novels?
+
+_A_.  I have thought--and thought--and can find nothing new, unless we
+bring her in in a whirlwind: that has not yet been attempted.
+
+_B_.  A whirlwind!  I don't know--that's hazardous.  Nevertheless, if
+she were placed on a beetling cliff, overhanging the tempestuous ocean,
+lashing the rocks with its wild surge; of a sudden, after she has been
+permitted to finish her soliloquy, a white cloud rising rapidly and
+unnoticed--the sudden vacuum--the rush of mighty winds through the
+majestic and alpine scenery--the vortex gathering round her--first
+admiring the vast efforts of nature; then astonished; and, lastly,
+alarmed, as she finds herself compelled to perform involuntary
+gyrations, till at length she spins round like a well-whipped top,
+nearing the dangerous edge of the precipice.  It is bold, and certainly
+quite novel--I think it will do.  Portray her delicate little feet,
+peeping out, pointing downwards, the force of the elements raising her
+on her tip toes, now touching, now disdaining the earth.  Her dress
+expanded wide like that of Herbele in her last and best pirouette--
+round, round she goes--her white arms are tossed frantically in the air.
+Corinne never threw herself into more graceful attitudes.  Now is seen
+her diminishing ankle--now the rounded symmetry--mustn't go too high up
+though--the wind increases--her distance from the edge of the precipice
+decreases--she has no breath left to shriek--no power to fall--
+threatened to be ravished by the wild and powerful god of the elements--
+she is discovered by the Honourable Augustus Bouverie, who has just
+finished his soliloquy upon another adjacent hill.  He delights in her
+danger--before he rushes to her rescue, makes one pause for the purpose
+of admiration, and another for the purpose of adjusting his shirt
+collar.
+
+_A_.  The devil he does!
+
+_B_.  To be sure.  The hero of a fashionable novel never loses caste.
+Whether in a storm, a whirlwind, up to his neck in the foaming ocean, or
+tumbling down a precipice, he is still the elegant and correct
+Honourable Augustus Bouverie.  To punish you for your interruption, I
+have a great mind to make him take a pinch of snuff before he starts.
+Well--he flies to her assistance--is himself caught in the rushing
+vortex, which prevents him from getting nearer to the lady, and, despite
+of himself, takes to whirling in the opposite direction.  They
+approach--they recede--she shrieks without being heard--holds out her
+arms for help--she would drop them in despair, but cannot, for they are
+twisted over her head by the tremendous force of the element.  One
+moment they are near to each other, and the next they are separated; at
+one instant they are close to the abyss, and the waters below roar in
+delight of their anticipated victims, and in the next a favouring change
+of the vortex increases their distance from the danger--there they
+spin--and there you may leave them, and commence a new chapter.
+
+_A_.  But is not all this naturally and physically impossible?
+
+_B_.  By no means; there is nothing supernatural in a whirlwind, and the
+effect of a whirlwind is to twist everything round.  Why should the
+heroine and the Honourable Augustus Bouverie not be submitted to the
+laws of nature? besides, we are writing a fashionable novel.  Wild and
+improbable as this whirlwind may appear, it is within the range of
+probability: whereas, that is not at all adhered to in many novels--
+witness the drinking scene in --, and others equally _outrees_, in which
+the author, having turned probability out of doors, ends by throwing
+possibility out of the window--leaving folly and madness to usurp their
+place--and play a thousand antics for the admiration of the public, who,
+pleased with novelty, cry out "How fine!"
+
+_A_.  Buy the book, and laud the author.
+
+_B_.  Exactly.  Now, having left your hero and heroine in a situation
+peculiarly interesting, with the greatest nonchalance, pass over to the
+continent, rave on the summit of Mont Blanc, and descant upon the strata
+which compose the mountains of the Moon in Central Africa.  You have
+been philosophical, now you must be geological.  No one can then say
+that your book is light reading.
+
+_A_.  That can be said of few novels.  In most of them even smoke
+assumes the ponderosity of lead.
+
+_B_.  There is a metal still heavier, which they have the power of
+creating--gold--to pay a dunning tailor's bill.
+
+_A_.  But after being philosophical and geological, ought one not to be
+a little moral.
+
+_B_.  Pshaw!  I thought you had more sense.  The great art of
+novel-writing is to make the vices glorious, by placing them in close
+alliance with redeeming qualities.  Depend upon it, Ansard, there is a
+deeper, more heartfelt satisfaction that mere amusement in
+novel-reading; a satisfaction no less real, because we will not own it
+to ourselves; the satisfaction of seeing all our favourite and selfish
+ideas dressed up in a garb so becoming, that we persuade ourselves that
+our false pride is proper dignity, our ferocity courage, our cowardice
+prudence, our irreligion liberality, and our baser appetites, mere
+gallantry.
+
+_A_.  Very true, Barnstaple; but really I do not like this whirlwind.
+
+_B_.  Well, well!  I give it up then: it was your own idea.  We'll try
+again.  Cannot you create some difficulty or dilemma, in which to throw
+her, so that the hero may come to her rescue with _eclat_.
+
+_A_.  Her grey palfrey takes fright.
+
+_B_.  So will your readers; stale--quite stale!
+
+_A_.  A wild bull has his horns close to her, and is about to toss her.
+
+_B_.  As your book would be!--away with contempt.  Vapid--quite vapid!
+
+_A_.  A shipwreck--the waves are about to close over her.
+
+_B_.  Your book would be closed at the same moment--worn out--quite worn
+out.
+
+_A_.  In the dead of the night, a fire breaks out--she is already in the
+midst of the flames--
+
+_B_.  Where your book would also be by the disgusted reader--worse and
+worse.
+
+_A_.  Confound it--you will not allow me to expose her to earth, air,
+fire, or water.  I have a great mind to hang her in her garters, and
+make the hero come and cut her down.
+
+_B_.  You might do worse--and better.
+
+_A_.  What--hang myself?
+
+_B_.  That certainly would put an end to all your difficulties.  But,
+Ansard, I think I can put your heroine in a situation really critical
+and eminently distressing, and the hero shall come to her relief, like
+the descent of a god to the rescue of a Greek or Trojan warrior.
+
+_A_.  Or of Bacchus to Ariadne in her distress.
+
+_B_.  Perhaps a better simile.  The consequence will be, that eternal
+gratitude in the bosom of the maiden will prove the parent of eternal
+love, which eternity of passion will of course until they are married.
+
+_A_.  I'm all attention.
+
+_B_.  Get up a splendid dinner party for their first casual meeting.
+Place the company at table.
+
+_A_.  Surely you are not going to choke her with the bone of a chicken.
+
+_B_.  You surely are about to murder me, as Sampson did the
+Philistines--
+
+_A_.  With the jaw-bone of a fashionable novel-writer, you mean.
+
+_B_.  Exactly.  But to proceed:--they are seated at table; can you
+describe a grand dinner?
+
+_A_.  Certainly, I have partaken of more than one.
+
+_B_.  Where?
+
+_A_.  I once sat down three hundred strong at the Freemasons' Tavern.
+
+_B_.  Pshaw! a mere hog feed.
+
+_A_.  Well, then, I dined with the late lord mayor.
+
+_B_.  Still worse.  My dear Ansard, it is however of no consequence.
+Nothing is more difficult to attain, yet nothing is more easy to
+describe, than a good dinner.  I was once reading a very fashionable
+novel by a very fashionable bookseller, for the author is a mere
+nonentity, and was very much surprised at the accuracy with which a good
+dinner was described.  The mystery was explained a short time
+afterwards, when casually taking up Eustache Eude's book in Sams's
+library, I found that the author had copied it out exactly from the
+injunctions of that celebrated gastronome.  You can borrow the book.
+
+_A_.  Well, we will suppose that done; but I am all anxiety to know what
+is the danger from which the heroine is to be rescued.
+
+_B_.  I will explain.  There are two species of existence--that of mere
+mortal existence, which is of little consequence, provided, like Caesar,
+the hero and heroine die decently: the other is of much greater
+consequence, which is fashionable existence.  Let them once lose caste
+in that respect, and they are virtually dead, and one mistake, one
+oversight, is a death-blow for which there is no remedy, and from which
+there is no recovery.  For instance, we will suppose our heroine to be
+quite confounded with the appearance of our hero--to have become
+_distraite, reveuse_--and, in short, to have lost her recollection and
+presence of mind.  She has been assisted to _filet de soles_.  Say that
+the only sauce ever taken with them is _au macedoine_--this is offered
+to her, and, at the same time, another, which to eat with the above dish
+would be unheard of.  In her distraction she is about to take the wrong
+sauce--actually at the point of ruining herself for ever and committing
+suicide upon her fashionable existence, while the keen grey eyes of Sir
+Antinous Antibes, the arbiter of fashion, are fixed upon her.  At this
+awful moment, which is for ever to terminate her fashionable existence,
+the Honourable Augustus Bouverie, who sits next to her, gently touches
+her _seduisante_ sleeve--blandly smiling, he whispers to her that the
+_other_ is the sauce _macedoine_.  She perceives her mistake, trembles
+at her danger, rewards him with a smile, which penetrates into the
+deepest recesses of his heart, helps herself to the right sauce, darts a
+look of contemptuous triumph upon Sir Antinous Antibes, and, while she
+is dipping her sole into the sauce, her soul expands with gratitude and
+love.
+
+_A_.  I see, I see.  Many thanks; my heroine is now a fair counterpart
+of my hero.
+
+  "Ah, sure a pair were never seen,
+  So justly form'd to meet by nature."
+
+_B_.  And now I'll give you another hint, since you appear grateful.  It
+is a species of clap-trap in a novel, which always takes--to wit, a rich
+old uncle or misanthrope, who, at the very time that he is bitterly
+offended and disgusted with the hero, who is in awkward circumstances,
+pulls out a pocketbook and counts down, say fifteen or twenty thousand
+pounds in bank notes, to relieve him from his difficulties.  An old coat
+and monosyllables will increase the interest.
+
+_A_.  True.  (_sighing_.)  Alas! there are no such uncles in real life;
+I wish there were.
+
+_B_.  I beg your pardon; I know no time in which _my uncle_ forks out
+more bank notes than at present.
+
+_A_.  Yes, but it is for value, or more than value, received.
+
+_B_.  That I grant; but I am afraid it is the only "uncle" left now;
+except in a fashionable novel.  But you comprehend the value of this new
+auxiliary.
+
+_A_.  Nothing can be better.  Barnstaple, you are really --, but I say
+no more.  If a truly great man cannot be flattered with delicacy, it
+must not be attempted at all; silence then becomes the best tribute.
+Your advice proves you to be truly great.  I am silent, therefore you
+understand the full force of the oratory of my thanks.
+
+_B (bowing_.)  Well, Ansard, you have found out the cheapest way of
+paying off your bills of gratitude I ever heard of.  "Poor, even in
+thanks," was well said by Shakespeare; but you, it appears, are rich, in
+having nothing at all wherewith to pay.  If you could transfer the same
+doctrine to your tradesmen, you need not write novels.
+
+_A_.  Alas! my dear fellow, mine is not yet written.  There is one
+important feature, nay, the most important feature of all--the style of
+language, the diction--on that, Barnstaple, you have not yet
+doctrinated.
+
+_B (pompously_.)  When Demosthenes was asked what were the principal
+attributes of eloquence, he answered, that the first was action; on
+being asked which was the second, he replied, action; and the third,
+action; and such is the idea of the Irish _mimbers_ in the House of
+Commons.  Now there are three important requisites in the diction of a
+fashionable novel.  The first, my dear fellow, is--flippancy; the
+second, flippancy; and flippancy is also the third.  With the dull it
+will pass for wit, with some it will pass for scorn,--and even the witty
+will not be enabled to point out the difference, without running the
+risk of being considered invidious.  It will cover every defect with a
+defect still greater; for who can call small beer tasteless when it is
+sour, or dull when it is bottled and has a froth upon it?
+
+_A_.  The advice is excellent; but I fear that this flippancy is as
+difficult to acquire an the tone of true eloquence.
+
+_B_.  Difficult!  I defy the writers of the silver-fork school to write
+out of the style flippant.  Read but one volume of --, and you will be
+saturated with it; but if you wish to go to the fountain-head, do as
+have done most of the late fashionable novel-writers, repair to their
+instructors--the lady's-maid, for flippancy in the vein _spirituelle_!
+to a London footman for the vein critical; but, if you wish a flippancy
+of a still higher order, at once more solemn and more empty, which I
+would call the vein political, read the speeches of some of our members
+of Parliament.  Only read them, I wish no man so ill an to inflict upon
+him the torture of hearing them--read them, I say, and you will have
+taken the very highest degree in the order of inane flippancy.
+
+_A_.  I see it at once.  Your observations are as true as they are
+severe.  When we would harangue geese, we must condescend to hiss; but
+still, my dear Barnstaple, though you have fully proved to me that in a
+fashionable novel all plot is unnecessary, don't you think there ought
+to be a catastrophe, or sort of a kind of an end to the work, or the
+reader may be brought up short, or as the sailors say, "all standing,"
+when he comes to the word "Finis," and exclaim with an air of
+stupefaction--"And then--"
+
+_B_.  And then, if he did, it would be no more than the fool deserved.
+I don't know whether it would not be advisable to leave off in the
+middle of a sentence, of a word, nay of a syllable, if it be possible: I
+am sure the winding-up would be better than the lackadaisical
+running-down of most of the fashionable novels.  Snap the mainspring of
+your watch, and none but an ass can expect you to tell by it what it is
+o'clock; snap the thread of your narrative in the same way, and he must
+be an unreasonable being who would expect a reasonable conclusion.
+Finish thus, in a case of delicate distress; say, "The Honourable Mr
+Augustus Bouverie was struck in a heap with horror.  He rushed with a
+frantic grace, a deliberate haste, and a graceful awkwardness, and
+whispered in her ear these dread and awful words, `IT IS TOO LATE!'"
+Follow up with a -- and Finis.
+
+_A_.  I see; the fair and agitated reader will pass a sleepless night in
+endeavouring to decipher the mutilated sentence.  She will fail, and
+consequently call the book delightful.  But should there not have been a
+marriage previously to this happy awful climax?
+
+_B_.  Yes; everything is arranged for the nuptials--carriages are sent
+home, jewellery received but not paid for, dresses all tried on, the
+party invited--nay, assembled in the blue-and-white drawing-room.  The
+right reverend my lord bishop is standing behind the temporary altar--he
+has wiped his spectacles and thumbed his prayer-book--all eyes are
+turned towards the door, which opens not--the bride faints, for the
+bridegroom cometh not--he's not "i' the vein"--a something, as like
+nothing as possible, has given him a disgust that is surmountable--he
+flings his happiness to the winds, though he never loved with more
+outrageous intensity than at the moment he discards his mistress; so he
+fights three duels with the two brothers and father.  He wounds one of
+the young men dangerously, the other slightly; fires his pistol in the
+air when he meets her father--for how could he take the life of him who
+gave life to his adored one?  Your hero can always hit a man just where
+he pleases--vide every novel in Mr C's collection.  The hero becomes
+misanthropical, the heroine maniacal.  The former marries an antiquated
+and toothless dowager, as an escape from the imaginary disgust he took
+at a sight of a matchless woman; and the latter marries an old brute,
+who threatens her life every night, and puts her in bodily fear every
+morning, as an indemnity in full for the loss of the man of her
+affections.  They are both romantically miserable; and then comes on
+your tantalising scenes of delicate distress, and so the end of your
+third volume, and then finish without any end at all.  _Verb. sap. sat_.
+Or, if you like it better, kill the old dowager of a surfeit, and make
+the old brute who marries the heroine commit suicide; and, after all
+these unheard-of trials, marry them as fresh and beautiful as ever.
+
+_A_.  A thousand thanks.  Your _verba_ are not thrown to a _sap_.  Can I
+possibly do you any favour for all this kindness?
+
+_B_.  Oh, my dear fellow! the very greatest.  As I see yours will be, at
+all points, a most fashionable novel, do me the inestimable favour _not_
+to ask me _to read it_.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT.
+
+HOW TO WRITE A BOOK OF TRAVELS.
+
+MR ANSARD'S _Chambers_.
+
+_Ansard_.  (alone.)  Well, I thought it hard enough to write a novel at
+the dictate of the bibliopolist; but to be condemned to sit down and
+write my travels--travels that have never extended farther than the
+Lincoln's Inn Coffee House for my daily food, and a walk to Hampstead on
+a Sunday.  These travels to be swelled into Travels up the Rhine in the
+year 18--.  Why, it's impossible.  O that Barnstaple were here, for he
+has proved my guardian angel!  Lazy, clever dog!
+
+_Enter_ BARNSTAPLE.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Pray, my dear Ansard, to whom did you apply that last
+epithet?
+
+_Ansard_.  My dear Barnstaple, I never was more happy to see you.  Sit
+down, I have much to tell you, all about myself and my difficulties.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  The conversation promises to be interesting to me, at all
+events.
+
+_Ansard_.  Everything is interesting to true friendship.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Now I perceive that you do want something.  Well, before
+you state your case, tell me, how did the novel go off?
+
+_Ansard_.  Wonderfully well.  It was ascribed to Lord G--: the bait
+took, and 750 went off in a first edition, and the remainder of the
+copies printed went off in a second.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Without being reprinted?
+
+_Ansard_.  Exactly.  I was surprised at my success, and told my
+publisher so; but he answered that he could sell an edition of any trash
+he pleased.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That was not flattering.
+
+_Ansard_.  Not very; but his bill was honoured, and that consoled me.
+However, to proceed to business--he has given me another order--A
+Journey up the Rhine, in two volumes, large octavo, in the year 18--.
+Now, Barnstaple, what's to be done?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Write it, to be sure.
+
+_Ansard_.  But you well know I have never been out of England in my
+life.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Never mind, write it.
+
+_Ansard_.  Yes, it's very well to say write it; but how the devil am I
+to write it?  Write what I have never seen--detail events which never
+occurred--describe views of that which I have not even an idea--travel
+post in my old arm-chair.  It's all very well to say write it, but tell
+me, how.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  I say again, write it, and pocket the money.  Ansard,
+allow me to state that you are a greenhorn.  I will make this mountain
+of difficulties vanish and melt away like snow before the powerful rays
+of the sun.  You are told to write what you have never seen; but if you
+have not, others have, which will serve your purpose just as well.  To
+detail events which have never occurred--invent them, they will be more
+amusing.  Describe views, etcetera, of which you are ignorant--so are
+most of your readers; but have we not the art of engraving to assist
+you?  To travel post in your arm-chair--a very pleasant and a very
+profitable way of travelling, as you have not to pay for the horses and
+postilions, and are not knocked to pieces by continental roads.  Depend
+upon it, the best travels are those written at home, by those who have
+never put their foot into the Calais packet-boat.
+
+_Ansard_.  To me this is all a mystery.  I certainly must be a
+greenhorn, as you observe.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Why, Ansard, my dear fellow, with a book of roads and a
+gazetteer, I would write a more amusing book of travels than one half
+which are now foisted on the public.  All you have to do is to fill up
+the chinks.
+
+_Ansard_.  All I want to do is to fill up the chinks in my stomach,
+Barnstaple; for, between you and me, times are rather queer.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  You shall do it, if you will follow my advice.  I taught
+you how to write a fashionable novel; it will be hard, indeed, if I
+cannot send you up the Rhine.  One little expense must be incurred--you
+must subscribe a quarter to a circulating library, for I wish that what
+you do should be well done.
+
+_Ansard_.  Barnstaple, I will subscribe to--anything.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Well, then, since you are so reasonable, I will proceed.
+You must wade through all the various "Journeys on the Rhine", "Two
+Months on the Rhine", "Autumns on the Rhine," etcetera, which you can
+collect.  This you will find the most tiresome part of your task.
+Select one as your guide, one who has a reputation; follow his course,
+not exactly--that I will explain afterwards--and agree with him in every
+thing, generally speaking.  Praise his exactitude and fidelity, and
+occasionally quote him; this is but fair; after you rob a man (and I
+intend you shall rifle him most completely), it is but decent to give
+him kind words.  All others you must abuse, contradict, and depreciate.
+Now, there is a great advantage in so doing: in the first place, you
+make the best writer your friend--he forgets your larcenies in your
+commendation of him, and in your abuse of others.  If his work be
+correct, so must yours be; he praises it everywhere--perhaps finds you
+out, and asks you to dine with him.
+
+_Ansard_.  How should I ever look at his injured face?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  On the contrary, he is the obliged party--your travels
+are a puff to his own.
+
+_Ansard_.  But, Barnstaple, allowing that I follow this part of your
+advice, which I grant to be very excellent, how can I contradict others,
+when they may be, and probably are, perfectly correct in their
+assertions?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  If they are so, virtue must be its own reward.  It is
+necessary that you write a book of travels, and all travellers
+contradict each other--ergo, you must contradict, or nobody will believe
+that you have travelled.  Not only contradict, but sneer at them.
+
+_Ansard_.  Well, now do explain how that is to be done.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Nothing more simple: for instance, a man measures a
+certain remarkable piece of antiquity--its length is 747 feet.  You must
+measure it over again, and declare that he is in error, that it is only
+727.  To be sure of your being correct, measure it _twice_ over, and
+then convict him.
+
+_Ansard_.  But surely, Barnstaple, one who has measured it is more
+likely to be correct than one who has not.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  I'll grant you that he is correct to half an inch--that's
+no matter.  The public will, in all probability, believe you, because
+you are the last writer, and because you have _decreased_ the
+dimensions.  Travellers are notorious for amplification, and if the
+public do not believe you, let them go and measure it themselves.
+
+_Ansard_.  A third traveller may hereafter measure it, and find that I
+am in the wrong.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Ten to one if you are not both in the wrong; but what
+matter will that be? your book will have been sold.
+
+_Ansard_.  Most true, O king!  I perceive now the general outline, and I
+feel confident that, with your kind assistance, I may accomplish it.
+But, Barnstaple, the beginning is everything.  If I only had the first
+chapter as a start, I think I could get on.  It is the _modus_ that I
+want--the style.  A first chapter would be a key-note for the remainder
+of the tune, with all the variations.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Well, then, take up your pen.  But before I commence, it
+may be as well to observe, that there is a certain method required, even
+in writing travels.  In every chapter you should have certain landmarks
+to guide you.  For instance, enumerate the following, and select the
+works from which they may be obtained, so as to mix up the instructive
+with the amusing.  Travelling--remarks on country passed through--
+anecdote--arrival at a town--churches--population--historical remarks--
+another anecdote--eating and drinking--natural curiosities--egotism--
+remarks on the women (never mind the men)--another anecdote--
+reflections--an adventure--and go to bed.  You understand, Ansard, that
+in these memoranda you have all that is required; the rule is not to be
+followed absolutely, but generally.  As you observed, such is to be the
+tune, but your variations may be infinite.  When at a loss, or you think
+you are dull, always call in a grisette, and a little mystery; and,
+above all, never be afraid of talking too much about yourself.
+
+_Ansard_.  Many, many thanks; but now, my dear Barnstaple, for the first
+chapter.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Let your style be flowery--I should say florid--never
+mind a false epithet or two in a page, they will never be observed.  A
+great deal depends upon the first two pages--you must not limp at
+starting; we will, therefore, be particular.  Take your pen.
+
+                   [BARNSTAPLE _muses for a while, and then continues_.]
+"A severe cough, which refused to yield even to the balmy influence of
+the genial spring of 18--, and threatened a pulmonary complaint, induced
+me to yield to the reiterated persuasions of my physicians to try a
+change of air, as most likely to ward off the threatened danger.  Where
+to direct my steps was the difficult point to ascertain.  Brighton,
+Torquay, Cromer, Ilfracombe, had all been visited and revisited.  At
+either of these fashionable resorts I was certain to fall in with a
+numerous acquaintance, whose persuasions would have induced me to depart
+from that regularity of diet and of rest, so imperiously insisted upon
+by my medical advisers.  After much cogitation, I resolved upon a
+journey up the Rhine, and to escape the ruthless winter of our northern
+clime in the more genial land of history."
+
+_Ansard_.  Land of history--I presume you mean Italy; but am I to go
+there?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  No, you may recover, and come back again to skate upon
+the Serpentine, if you please.  You observe, Ansard, I have not made you
+a fellow with 50 pounds in his pocket, setting out to turn it into 300
+pounds by a book of travels.  I have avoided mention of Margate,
+Ramsgate, Broadstairs, and all common watering-places; I have talked of
+physicians in the plural; in short, no one who reads that paragraph, but
+will suppose that you are a young man of rank and fortune, to whom money
+is no object, and who spends hundreds to cure that which might be
+effected by a little regularity, and a few doses of ipecacuanha.
+
+_Ansard_.  I wish it were so.  Nevertheless, I'll travel _en grand
+seigneur_--thats more agreeable even in imagination, than being rumbled
+in a "_diligence_."
+
+_Barnstaple_.  And will produce more respect for your work, I can assure
+you.  But to proceed.  Always, when you leave England, talk about
+_hospitality_.  The English like it.  Have you no relations or friends
+in whose opinion you wish to stand well?  Public mention in print does
+wonders, especially with a copy handsomely bound "from the author."
+
+_Ansard_.  Really, Barnstaple, I do not know any one.  My poor mother is
+in Cumberland, and that is not _en route_.  I have a maternal uncle of
+the name of Forster, who lives on the road--a rich, old, miserly
+bachelor; but I can't say much for his hospitality.  I have called upon
+him twice, and he has never even asked me to dinner.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Never mind.  People like being praised for a virtue which
+they do not possess--it may prove a legacy.  Say, then, that you quitted
+the hospitable roof of your worthy and excellent-hearted relation, Mr
+Forster and felt--
+
+_Ansard_.  Felt how?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  How--why you felt, as he wrung your hand, that there was
+a sudden dissolution of the ties of kindred and affection.
+
+_Ansard_.  There always has been in that quarter, so my conscience is so
+far clear.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  You arrive at Dovor (mind you spell it Dovor)--go to bed
+tired and reflective--embark early the next morning--a rough passage--
+
+_Ansard_.  And sea-sick, of course?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  No, Ansard; there I'll give you a proof of my tact--you
+shan't be sea-sick.
+
+_Ansard_.  But I'm sure I should be.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  All travellers are, and all fill up a page or two with
+complaints, _ad nauseam_--for that reason sick you shall not be.
+Observe--to your astonishment you are not sea-sick: the other passengers
+suffer dreadfully; one young dandy puffs furiously at a cigar in
+bravado, until he sends it over the side, like an arrow from the
+blow-pipe of a South American Indian.  Introduce a husband with a pretty
+wife--he jealous as a dog, until he is sick as a cat--your attentions--
+she pillowed on your arms, while he hangs over the lee gunwale--her
+gratitude--safe arrival at Calais--sweet smiles of the lady--sullen
+deportment of the gentleman--a few hints--and draw the veil.  Do you
+understand?
+
+_Ansard_.  Perfectly.  I can manage all that.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Then when you put your foot on shore, you must, for the
+first time, _feel sea-sick_.
+
+_Ansard_.  On shore?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Yes; reel about, not able to stand--every symptom as if
+on board.  Express your surprise at the strange effect, pretend not to
+explain it, leave that to medical men, it being sufficient for you to
+state the _fact_.
+
+_Ansard_.  The _fact_!  O Barnstaple!
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That will be a great hit for a first chapter.  You
+reverse the order of things.
+
+_Ansard_.  That I do most certainly.  Shall I finish the first chapter
+with that _fact_?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  No.  Travellers always go to bed at the end of each
+chapter.  It is a wise plan, and to a certain degree it must be
+followed.  You must have a baggage adventure--be separated from it--some
+sharp little urchin has seized upon your valise--it is nowhere to be
+found--quite in despair--walk to the Hotel d'Angleterre, and find that
+you are met by the landlord and garcons, who inform you that your
+carriage is in the remise, and your rooms ready--ascend to your
+bedroom--find that your baggage is not only there, but neatly laid out--
+your portmanteau unstrapped--your trunk uncorded--and the little rascal
+of a commissaire standing by with his hat in his hand, and a smile _de
+malice_, having installed _himself_ as your _domestique de place_--take
+him for his impudence--praise the "_Cotelettes_ and the _vin de
+Beaune_"--wish the reader good night, and go to bed.  Thus ends the
+first chapter.
+
+[ANSARD _gets up and takes_ BARNSTAPLE'S _hand, which he shakes warmly
+without speaking_.  BARNSTAPLE _smiles and walks out_.  ANSARD _is left
+hard at work at his desk_.]
+
+ARTHUR ANSARD _in his Chambers, solus, with his pen in his hand_.
+
+_Ansard_.  Capital! that last was a _hit_.  It has all the appearance of
+reality.  To be sure, I borrowed the hint, but that nobody will be able
+to prove.  (_Yawns_.)  Heigho!  I have only got half way on my journey
+yet, and my ideas are quite exhausted.  I am as much worn out and
+distressed as one of the German post-horses which I described in my last
+chapter.  (_Nods, and then falls fast asleep_.)
+
+BARNSTAPLE _taps at the door; receiving no answer, he enters_.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  So--quite fast.  What can have put him to sleep?  (_Reads
+the manuscript on the table_.)  No wonder, enough to put anybody to
+sleep apparently.  Why, Ansard!
+
+_Ansard_.  (_starting up, still half asleep_.)  Already?  Why, I've
+hardly shut my eyes.  Well, I'll be dressed directly; let them get some
+_cafe_ ready below.  Henri, did you order the hind-spring to be
+repaired!  (_Nods again with his eyes shut_.)
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Hallo!  What now, Ansard, do you really think that you
+are travelling?
+
+_Ansard_.  (_waking up_).  Upon my word, Barnstaple, I was so dreaming.
+I thought I was in my bed at the Hotel de Londres, after the fatiguing
+day's journey I described yesterday.  I certainly have written myself
+into the conviction that I was travelling post.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  All the better--you have embodied yourself in your own
+work, which every writer of fiction ought to do; but they can seldom
+attain to such a desideratum.  Now, tell me, how do you get on?
+
+_Ansard_.  Thank you--pretty well.  I have been going it with four
+post-horses these last three weeks.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  And how far have you got?
+
+_Ansard_.  Half way--that is, into the middle of my second volume.  But
+I'm very glad that you're come to my assistance, Barnstaple; for to tell
+you the truth, I was breaking down.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Yes, you said something about the hind-spring of your
+carriage.
+
+_Ansard_.  That I can repair without your assistance; but my spirits are
+breaking down.  I want society.  This travelling post is dull work.
+Now, if I could introduce a companion--
+
+_Barnstaple_.  So you shall.  At the next town that you stop at, buy a
+_Poodle_.
+
+_Ansard_.  A _Poodle_!  Barnstaple?  How the devil shall I be assisted
+by a poodle?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  He will prove a more faithful friend to you in your
+exigence, and a better companion than one of your own species.  A male
+companion, after all, is soon expended, and a female, which would be
+more agreeable, is not admissible.  If you admit a young traveller into
+your carriage--what then?  He is handsome, pleasant, romantic, and so
+forth; but you must not give his opinions in contradiction to your own,
+and if they coincide, it is superfluous.  Now, a poodle is a dog of
+parts, and it is more likely that you fall in with a sagacious dog than
+with a sagacious man.  The poodle is the thing; you must recount your
+meeting, his purchase, size, colour, and qualifications, and anecdotes
+of his sagacity, vouched for by the landlord, and all the _garcons_ of
+the hotel.  As you proceed on your travels, his attachment to you
+increases, and wind up every third chapter with "your faithful Mouton."
+
+_Ansard_.  Will not all that be considered frivolous?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Frivolous! by no means.  The frivolous will like it, and
+those who may have more sense, although they may think that Mouton does
+not at all assist your travelling researches, are too well acquainted
+with the virtues of the canine race, and the attachment insensibly
+imbibed for so faithful an attendant, not to forgive your affectionate
+mention of him.  Besides it will go far to assist the verisimilitude of
+your travels.  As for your female readers, they will prefer Mouton even
+to you.
+
+_Ansard_.  All-powerful and mighty magician, whose wand of humbug, like
+that of Aaron's, swallows up all others, not excepting that of divine
+Truth, I obey you!  Mouton shall be summoned to my aid: he shall
+flourish, and my pen shall flourish in praise of his endless
+perfections.  But, Barnstaple, what shall I give for him?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  (_thinks awhile_.)  Not less than forty louis.
+
+_Ansard_.  Forty louis for a poodle!
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Most certainly; not a sou less.  The value of any thing
+in the eyes of the world is exactly what it costs.  Mouton, at a
+five-franc piece, would excite no interest; and his value to the reader
+will increase in proportion to his price, which will be considered an
+undeniable proof of all his wonderful sagacity, with which you are to
+amuse the reader.
+
+_Ansard_.  But in what is to consist his sagacity?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  He must do everything but speak.  Indeed, he must so far
+speak as to howl the first part of "Lieber Augustin."
+
+_Ansard_.  His instinct shall put our boasted reason to the blush.
+But--I think I had better not bring him home with me.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Of course not.  In the first place, it's absolutely
+necessary to kill him, lest his reputation should induce people to seek
+him out, which they would do, although, in all probability, they never
+will his master.  Lady Cork would certainly invite him to a literary
+_soiree_.  You must therefore kill him in the most effective way
+possible, and you will derive the advantage of filling up at least ten
+pages with his last moments--licking your hand, your own lamentations,
+violent and inconsolable grief on the part of Henri, and tanning his
+skin as a memorial.
+
+_Ansard_.  A beautiful episode, for which receive my best thanks.  But,
+Barnstaple, I have very few effective passages as yet.  I have
+remodelled several descriptions of mountains, precipices, waterfalls,
+and such wonders of the creation--expressed my contempt and surprise at
+the fear acknowledged by other travellers, in several instances.  I have
+lost my way twice--met three wolves--been four times benighted--and
+indebted to lights at a distance for a bed at midnight, after the horses
+have refused to proceed.  All is incident, and I am quite hard up for
+description.  Now, I have marked down a fine passage in --'s work--a
+beautiful description of a cathedral with a grand procession.
+(_Reads_.) "What with the effect of the sun's brightest beams upon the
+ancient glass windows--various hues reflected upon the gothic pillars--
+gorgeousness of the procession--sacerdotal ornaments--tossing of
+censers--crowds of people--elevation of the host, and sinking down of
+the populace _en masse_."  It really is a magnificent line of writing,
+and which my work requires.  One or two like that in my book would do
+well to be quoted by impartial critics, before the public are permitted
+to read it.  But here, you observe, is a difficulty.  I dare not borrow
+the passage.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  But you shall borrow it--you shall be even finer than he
+is, and yet he shall not dare to accuse you of plagiarism.
+
+_Ansard_.  How is that possible, my dear Barnstaple?  I am all
+impatience.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  His description is at a certain hour of the day.  All you
+have to do is to portray the scene in nearly the same words.  You have
+as much right to visit a cathedral as he has, and as for the rest--here
+is the secret.  You must visit it at _night_.  Instead of "glorious
+beams," you will talk of "pale melancholy light;" instead of "the
+stained windows throwing their various hues upon the gothic pile," you
+must "darken the massive pile, and light up the windows with the silver
+rays of the moon."  The glorious orb of day must give place to thousands
+of wax tapers--the splendid fret--work of the roof you must regret was
+not to be clearly distinguished--but you must be in ecstasies with the
+broad light and shade--the blaze at the altar--solemn hour of night--
+feelings of awe--half a Catholic--religious reflections, etcetera.
+Don't you perceive?
+
+_Ansard_.  I do.  Like the rest of my work, it shall be all _moonshine_.
+It shall be done, Barnstaple; but have you not another idea or two to
+help me with?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Have you talked about cooks?
+
+_Ansard_.  As yet, not a word.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  By this time you ought to have some knowledge of
+gastronomy.  Talk seriously about eating.
+
+_Ansard_.  (_writes_.)  I have made a memo.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Have you had no affront?
+
+_Ansard_.  Not one.
+
+B.  Then be seriously affronted--complain to the burgomaster, or mayor,
+or commandant, whoever it may be--they attempt to bully--you are
+resolute and firm as an Englishman--insist upon being righted--they must
+make you a thousand apologies.  This will tickle the national vanity,
+and be read with interest.
+
+_Ansard_.  (_writes_.)  I have been affronted.  Anything else which may
+proceed from your prolific brain, Barnstaple?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Have you had a serious illness?
+
+_Ansard_.  Never complained even of a headache.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Then do everything but die--Henri weeping and
+inconsolable--Mouton howling at the foot of your bed--kick the surgeons
+out of the room--and cure yourself with three dozen of champagne.
+
+_Ansard_.  (_writes_.)  Very sick--cured with three dozen of champagne--
+I wish the illness would in reality come on, if I were certain of the
+cure _gratis_.  Go on, my dear Barnstaple.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  You may work in an episode here--delirium--lucid
+intervals--gentle female voice--delicate attentions--mysterious
+discovery from loquacious landlady--eternal gratitude--but no marriage--
+an apostrophe--and all the rest left to conjecture.
+
+_Ansard_.  (_writes down_.)  Silent attentions--conjecture--I can manage
+that, I think.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  By the bye, have you brought in Madame de Stael?
+
+_Ansard_.  No--how the devil am I to bring her in?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  As most other travellers do, by the head and shoulders.
+Never mind that, so long as you bring her in.
+
+_Ansard_.  (_writes_).  Madame de Stael by the shoulders--that's not
+very polite towards a lady.  These hints are invaluable; pray go on.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Why, you have already more hints this morning than are
+sufficient for three volumes.  But, however, let me see.  (_Barnstaple
+thinks a little_).  Find yourself short of cash.
+
+_Ansard_.  A sad reality, Barnstaple.  I shall write this part well, for
+truth will guide my pen.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  All the better.  But to continue--no remittances--awkward
+position--explain your situation--receive credit to any amount--and
+compliment your countrymen.
+
+_Ansard_.  (_writes_.)  Credit to any amount--pleasing idea.  But I
+don't exactly perceive the value of this last hint, Barnstaple.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  All judicious travellers make it a point, throughout the
+whole of their works, to flatter the nation upon its wealth, name, and
+reputation in foreign countries; by doing so you will be read greedily,
+and praised in due proportion.  If ever I were to write my travels into
+the interior of Africa, or to the North Pole, I would make it a point to
+discount a bill at Timbuctoo, or get a cheque cashed by the Esquimaux,
+without the least hesitation in either case.  I think now, that what
+with your invention, your plagiarism, and my hints, you ought to produce
+a very effective Book of Travels; and with that feeling I shall leave
+you to pursue your Journey, and receive, at its finale, your just
+reward.  When we meet again, I hope to see you advertised.
+
+_Ansard_.  Yes, but not exposed, I trust.  I am _incognito_, you know.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  To be sure, that will impart an additional interest to
+your narrative.  All the world will be guessing who you may be.  Adieu,
+voyageur.  [_Exit_ BARNSTAPLE.]
+
+_Ansard_.  And Heaven forfend that they should find me out!  But what
+can be done?  In brief, I cannot get a brief, and thus I exercise my
+professional acquirements how I can, proving myself as long-winded, as
+prosy perhaps, and certainly as lying, as the more fortunate of my
+fraternity.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FORTY NINE.
+
+HOW TO WRITE A ROMANCE.
+
+MR ARTHUR ANSARD, _standing at his table, selecting a steel pen from a
+card on which a dozen are ranged up, like soldiers on parade_.
+
+I must find a regular _graver_ to write this chapter of horrors.  No
+goose quill could afford me any assistance.  Now then.  Let me
+see--(_Reads, and during his reading_ BARNSTAPLE _comes in at the door
+behind him, unperceived_.) "At this most monstrously appalling sight,
+the hair of Piftlianteriscki raised slowly the velvet cap from off his
+head, as if it had been perched upon the rustling quills of some
+exasperated porcupine--(I think that's new)--his nostrils dilated to
+that extent that you might, with ease, have thrust a musket bullet into
+each--his mouth was opened so wide, so unnaturally wide, that the
+corners were rent asunder, and the blood slowly trickled down each side
+of his bristly chin--while each tooth loosened from its socket with
+individual fear.--Not a word could he utter, for his tongue, in its
+fright, clung with terror to his upper jaw, as tight as do the bellies
+of the fresh and slimy soles, paired together by some fisherwoman; but
+if his tongue was paralysed, his heart was not--it throbbed against his
+ribs with a violence which threatened their dislocation from the
+sternum, and with a sound which reverberated through the dark, damp
+subterrene--" I think that will do.  There's _force_ there.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  There is, with a vengeance.  Why, what is all this?
+
+_Ansard_.  My dear Barnstaple, you here!  I'm writing a romance for B--.
+It is to be supposed to be a translation.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  The Germans will be infinitely obliged to you; but, my
+dear fellow, you appear to have fallen into the old school--that's no
+longer in vogue.
+
+_Ansard_.  My orders are for the old school.  B-- was most particular on
+that point.  He says that there is a re-action--a great re-action.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  What, on literature?  Well, he knows as well as any man.
+I only wish to God there was in everything else, and we could see the
+good old times again.
+
+_Ansard_.  To confess the truth, I did intend to have finished this
+without saying a word to you.  I wished to have surprised you.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  So you have, my dear fellow, with the few lines I have
+heard.  How the devil are you to get your fellow out of that state of
+asphyxia?
+
+_Ansard_.  By degrees--slowly--very slowly--as they pretend that we
+lawyers go to heaven.  But I'll tell you what I have done, just to give
+you an idea of my work.  In the first place, I have a castle perched so
+high up in the air, that the eagles, even in their highest soar, appear
+but as wrens below.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That's all right.
+
+_Ansard_.  And then it has subterraneous passages, to which the sewers
+of London are a mere song; and they all lead to a small cave at
+high-water mark on the sea-beach, covered with brambles and bushes, and
+just large enough at its entrance to admit of a man squeezing himself
+in:
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That's all right.  You cannot be too much underground; in
+fact, the two first, and the best part of the third volume, should be
+wholly in the bowels of the earth, and your hero and heroine should
+never _come to light_ until the last chapter.
+
+_Ansard_.  Then they would never have been born till then, and how could
+I marry them?  But still I have adhered pretty much to your idea; and,
+Barnstaple, I have such a heroine--such a love--she has never seen her
+sweetheart, yet she is most devotedly attached, and has suffered more
+for his sake than any mortal could endure.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Most heroines generally do.
+
+_Ansard_.  I have had her into various dungeons for three or four years,
+on black bread and a broken pitcher of water--she has been starved to
+death--lain for months and months upon wet straw--had two brain fevers--
+five times has she risked violation, and always has picked up, or found
+in the belt of her infamous ravishers, a stiletto, which she has plunged
+into their hearts, and they have expired with or without a groan.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Excellent: and of course comes out of her dungeons each
+time as fresh, as sweet, as lovely, as pure, as charming, and as
+constant as ever.
+
+_Ansard_.  Exactly; nothing can equal her infinite variety of adventure,
+and her imperishable beauty and unadhesive cleanliness of person; and,
+as for lives, she has more than a thousand cats'.  After nine months'
+confinement in a dungeon, four feet square, when it is opened for her
+release, the air is perfumed with the ambrosia which exhales from her
+sweet person.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Of course it does.  The only question is, what ambrosia
+smells like.  But let me know something about your hero.
+
+_Ansard_.  He is a prince and a robber.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  The two professions are not at all incompatible.  Go on.
+
+_Ansard_.  He is the chief of a band of robbers, and is here, there and
+everywhere.  He fills all Europe with terror, admiration, and love.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Very good.
+
+_Ansard_.  His reasons for joining the robbers are, of course, a secret
+(and upon my word they are equally a secret to myself); but it is
+wonderful the implicit obedience of his men, and the many acts of
+generosity of which he is guilty.  I make him give away a great deal
+more money than his whole band ever take, which is so far awkward, that
+the query may arise in what way he keeps them together, and supplies
+them with food and necessaries.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Of course with _IOUs_ upon his princely domains.
+
+_Ansard_.  I have some very grand scenes, amazingly effective; for
+instance, what do you think, at the moment after the holy mass has been
+performed in Saint Peter's at Rome, just as the pope is about to put the
+sacred wafer into his mouth and bless the whole world, I make him snatch
+the wafer out of the pope's hand, and get clear off with it.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  What for, may I ask?
+
+_Ansard_.  That is a secret which I do not reveal.  The whole
+arrangement of that part of the plot is admirable.  The band of robbers
+are disguised as priests, and officiate, without being found out.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  But isn't that rather sacrilegious?
+
+_Ansard_.  No; it appears so to be, but he gives his reasons for his
+behaviour to the pope, and the pope is satisfied, and not only gives him
+his blessing, but shows him the greatest respect.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  They must have been very weighty reasons.
+
+_Ansard_.  And therefore they are not divulged.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That is to say, not until the end of the work.
+
+_Ansard_.  They are never divulged at all; I leave a great deal to the
+reader's imagination--people are fond of conjecture.  All they know is,
+that he boldly appears, and demands an audience.  He is conducted in,
+the interview is private, after a sign made by our hero, and at which
+the pope almost leaps off the chair.  After an hour he comes out again,
+and the pope bows him to the very door.  Every one is astonished, and,
+of course, almost canonise him.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That's going it rather strong in a Catholic country.  But
+tell me, Ansard, what is your plot?
+
+_Ansard_.  Plot; I have none.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  No plot!
+
+_Ansard_.  No plot, and all plot.  I puzzle the reader with certain
+materials.  I have castles and dungeons, corridors and creaking doors,
+good villains and bad villains.  Chain armour and clank of armour,
+daggers for gentlemen, and stilettoes for ladies.  Dark forests and
+brushwood, drinking scenes, eating scenes, and sleeping scenes--robbers
+and friars, purses of gold and instruments of torture, an incarnate
+devil of a Jesuit, a handsome hero, and a lovely heroine.  I jumble them
+all together, sometimes above, and sometimes underground, and I explain
+nothing at all.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Have you nothing supernatural?
+
+_Ansard_.  O yes!  I've a dog whose instinct is really supernatural, and
+I have two or three visions, which may be considered so, as they tell
+what never else could have been known.  I decorate my caverns and
+dungeons with sweltering toads and slimy vipers, a constant dropping of
+water, with chains too ponderous to lift, but which the parties upon
+whom they are riveted, clang together as they walk up and down in their
+cells, and soliloquise.  So much for my underground scenery.  Above, I
+people the halls with pages and ostrich feathers, and knights in bright
+armour, a constant supply of generous wine, and goblets too heavy to
+lift, which the knights toss off at a draught, as they sit and listen to
+the minstrel's music.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Bravo, Ansard, bravo.  It appears to me that you do not
+want assistance in this romance.
+
+_Ansard_.  No, when I do I have always a holy and compassionate friar,
+who pulls a wonderful restorative or healing balm, out of his bosom.
+The puffs of Solomon's Balm of Gilead are a fool to the real merits of
+my pharmacopoeia contained in a small vial.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  And pray what may be the title of this book of yours, for
+I have known it take more time to fix upon a title than to write the
+three volumes.
+
+_Ansard_.  I call it _The Undiscovered Secret_, and very properly so
+too, for it never is explained.  But if you please, I will read you some
+passages from it.  I think you will approve of them.  For instance, now
+let us take this, in the second volume.  You must know, that
+Angelicanarinella (for that is the name of my heroine) is thrown into a
+dungeon not more than four feet square, but more than six hundred feet
+below the surface of the earth.  The ways are so intricate, and the
+subterranean so vast, and the dungeons so numerous, that the base
+Ethiop, who has obeyed his master's orders in confining her, has himself
+been lost in the labyrinth, and has not been able to discover what
+dungeon he put her in.  For three days he has been looking for it,
+during which our heroine has been without food, and he is still
+searching and scratching his woolly head in despair, as he is to die by
+slow torture, if he does not reproduce her--for you observe, the chief
+who has thrown her into his dungeon is most desperately in love with
+her.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That of course; and that is the way to prove romantic
+love--you ill treat--but still she is certainly in a dilemma, as well as
+the Ethiop.
+
+_Ansard_.  Granted; but she talks like the heroine of a romance.
+Listen.  (ANSARD _reads_.) "The beauteous and divinely moulded form of
+the angelic Angelicanarinella pressed the dank and rotten straw which
+had been thrown down by the scowling, thick-lipped Ethiop for her
+repose--she, for whom attendant maidens had smoothed the Sybaritic sheet
+of finest texture, under the elaborately carved and sumptuously gilt
+canopy, the silken curtains, and the tassels of the purest dust of
+gold."
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Tassels of dust of gold! only figuratively, I suppose.
+
+_Ansard_.  Nothing more.  "Each particular straw of this dank, damp bed
+was elastic with delight, at bearing such angelic pressure; and, as our
+heroine cast her ineffably beaming eyes about the dark void, lighting up
+with their effulgent rays each little portion of the dungeon, as she
+glanced them from one part to another, she perceived that the many
+reptiles enclosed with her in this narrow tomb, were nestling to her
+side, their eyes fixed upon her in mute expressions of love and
+admiration.  Her eclipsed orbs were each, for a moment, suffused with a
+bright and heavenly tear, and from the suffusion threw out a more
+brilliant light upon the feeling reptiles who paid this tribute to her
+undeserved sufferings.  She put forth her beauteous hand, whose `faint
+tracery'--(I stole that from Cooper)--whose faint tracery had so often
+given to others the idea that it was ethereal, and not corporeal, and
+lifting with all the soft and tender handling of first love a venerable
+toad, which smiled upon her, she placed the interesting animal so that
+it could crawl up and nestle in her bosom, `Poor child of dank, of
+darkness, and of dripping,' exclaimed she, in her flute-like notes, `who
+sheltereth thyself under the wet and mouldering wall, so neglected in
+thy form by thy mother Nature, repose awhile in peace where princes and
+nobles would envy thee, if they knew thy present lot.  But that shall
+never be; these lips shall never breathe a tale which might endanger thy
+existence; fear not, therefore, their enmity, and as thou slowly
+creepest away thy little round of circumscribed existence, forget me
+not, but shed an occasional pearly tear to the memory of the persecuted,
+the innocent Angelicanarinella!'"  What d'ye think of that?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Umph! a very warm picture certainly; however, it is
+natural.  You know, a person of her consequence could never exist
+without a little _toadyism_.
+
+_Ansard_.  I have a good many subterraneous soliloquies, which would
+have been lost for ever, if I did not bring them up.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That one you have just read is enough to make everybody
+else bring up.
+
+_Ansard_.  I rather plume myself upon it.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Yes, it is a feather in your cap, and will act as a
+feather in the throat of your readers.
+
+_Ansard_.  Now I'll turn over the second volume, and read you another
+_morceau_, in which I assume the more playful vein.  I have imitated one
+of our modern writers, who must be correct in her language, as she knows
+all about heroes and heroines.  I must confess that I've cribbed a
+little.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Let's hear.
+
+_Ansard_.  "The lovely Angelicanarinella _pottered_ for some time about
+this fairy chamber, then `wrote journal.'  At last, she _threw herself
+down on the floor_, pulled out the miniature, _gulped_ when she looked
+at it, and then _cried herself to sleep_."
+
+_Barnstaple_.  _Pottered_ and _gulped_!  What language do you call that?
+
+_Ansard_.  It's all right, my dear fellow.  I understand that it is the
+refined slang of the modern boudoir, and only known to the initiated.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  They had better keep it entirely to their boudoirs.  I
+should advise you to leave it all out.
+
+_Ansard_.  Well, I thought that one who was so very particular, must
+have been the standard of perfection herself.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  That does not at all follow.
+
+_Ansard_.  But what I wish to read to you is the way in which I have
+managed that my secret shall never be divulged.  It is known only to
+four.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  A secret known to four people!  You must be quick then.
+
+_Ansard_.  So I am, as you shall hear; they all meet in a dark gallery,
+but do not expect to meet any one but the hero, whom they intend to
+murder, each one having, unknown to the others, made an appointment with
+him for that purpose, on the pretence of telling him the great secret.
+Altogether the scene is well described, but it is long, so I'll come at
+once to the _denouement_.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Pray do.
+
+_Ansard_.  "Absenpresentini felt his way by the slimy wall, when the
+breath of another human being caught his ear: he paused, and held his
+own breath.  `No, no,' muttered the other, `the _secret of blood and
+gold_ shall remain with me alone.  Let him come, and he shall find
+death.'  In a second, the dagger of Absenpresentini was in the
+mutterer's bosom:--he fell without a groan.  `To me alone the secret of
+blood and gold, and with me it remains,' exclaimed Absenpresentini.  `It
+does remain with you,' cried Phosphorini, driving his dagger into his
+back:--Absenpresentini fell without a groan, and Phosphorini,
+withdrawing his dagger, exclaimed, `Who is now to tell the secret but
+me?'  `Not you,' cried Vortiskini, raising up his sword and striking at
+where the voice proceeded.  The trusty steel cleft the head of the
+abandoned Phosphorini, who fell without a groan.  `Now will I retain the
+secret of blood and gold,' said Vortiskini, as he sheathed his sword.
+`Thou shalt,' exclaimed the wily Jesuit, as he struck his stiletto to
+the heart of the robber, who fell without a groan.  `With me only does
+the secret now rest, by which our order might be disgraced; with me it
+dies,' and the Jesuit raised his hand.  `Thus to the glory and the
+honour of his society does Manfredini sacrifice his life.'  He struck
+the keen-pointed instrument into his heart, and died without a groan.
+`Stop,' cried our hero."
+
+_Barnstaple_.  And I agree with your hero: stop, Ansard, or you'll kill
+me too--but not without a groan.
+
+_Ansard_.  Don't you think it would act well?
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Quite as well as it reads; pray is it all like this?
+
+_Ansard_.  You shall judge for yourself.  I have half killed myself with
+writing it, for I chew opium every night to obtain ideas.  Now again--
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Spare me, Ansard, spare me; my nerves are rather
+delicate; for the remainder I will take your word.
+
+_Ansard_.  I wish my duns would do the same, even if it were only my
+washerwoman; but there's no more tick for me here, except this old watch
+of my father's, which serves to remind me of what I cannot obtain from
+others--time; but, however, there is a time for all things, and when the
+time comes that my romance is ready, my creditors will obtain the
+_ready_.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Your only excuse, Ansard.
+
+_Ansard_.  I beg your pardon.  The public require strong writing
+now-a-days.  We have thousands who write well, and the public are
+nauseated with what is called _good writing_.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  And so they want something bad, eh?  Well, Ansard, you
+certainly can supply them.
+
+_Ansard_.  My dear Barnstaple, you must not disparage this style of
+writing--it is not bad--there is a great art in it.  It may be termed
+writing intellectual and ethereal.  You observe, that it never allows
+probabilities or even possibilities to stand in its way.  The dross of
+humanity is rejected: all the common wants and grosser feelings of our
+natures are disallowed.  It is a novel which is all mind and passion.
+Corporeal attributes and necessities are thrown on one side, as they
+would destroy the charm of perfectability.  Nothing can soil, or defile,
+or destroy my heroine; suffering adds lustre to her beauty, as pure gold
+is tried by fire: nothing can kill her, because she is all mind.  As for
+my men, you will observe when you read my work--
+
+_Barnstaple_.  When I do!
+
+_Ansard_.  Which, of course, you will--that they also have their
+appetites in abeyance; they never want to eat, or drink, or sleep--are
+always at hand when required, without regard to time or space.  Now
+there is a great beauty in this description of writing.  The women adore
+it because they find their sex divested of those human necessities,
+without which they would indeed be angels! the mirror is held up to
+them, and they find themselves perfect--no wonder they are pleased.  The
+other sex are also very glad to dwell upon female perfectability, which
+they can only find in a romance, although they have often dreamt of it
+in their younger days.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  There is some truth in these remarks.  Every milliner's
+girl, who devours your pages in bed by the half-hour's light of tallow
+stolen for the purpose, imagines a strong similarity between herself and
+your Angelicanarinella, and every shop-boy measuring tape or weighing
+yellow soap will find out attributes common to himself and to your hero.
+
+_Ansard_.  Exactly.  As long as you draw perfection in both sexes, you
+are certain to be read, because by so doing you flatter human nature and
+self-love, and transfer it to the individual who reads.  Now a picture
+of real life--
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Is like some of Wouvermans' best pictures, which will not
+be purchased by many, because his dogs in the foreground are doing
+exactly what all dogs will naturally do when they first are let out of
+their kennels.
+
+_Ansard_.  Wouvermans should have known better, and made his dogs better
+mannered if he expected his pictures to be hung up in the parlour of
+refinement.
+
+_Barnstaple_ Very true.
+
+_Ansard_.  Perhaps you would like to have another passage or two.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  Excuse me: I will imagine it all.  I only hope, Ansard,
+this employment will not interfere with your legal practice.
+
+_Ansard_.  My dear Barnstaple, it certainly will not, because my legal
+practice cannot be interfered with.  I have been called to the bar, but
+find no employment in my calling.  I have been sitting in my gown and
+wig for one year, and may probably sit a dozen more before I have to
+rise to address their lordships.  I have not yet had a guinea brief.  My
+only chance is to be sent out as judge to Sierra Leone, or perhaps to be
+made a commissioner of the Court of Requests.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  You are indeed humble in your aspirations.  I recollect
+the time, Ansard, when you dreamt of golden fame, and aspired to the
+woolsack--when your ambition prompted you to midnight labour, and you
+showed an energy--
+
+_Ansard_.  (_putting his hands up to his forehead, with his elbows on
+the table_.)  What can I do, Barnstaple?  If I trust to briefs, my
+existence will be but brief--we all must live.
+
+_Barnstaple_.  I will not reply as Richelieu did to a brother author,
+"Je ne vois pas la necessite;" but this I do say, that if you are in
+future to live by supplying the public with such nonsense, the shorter
+your existence the better.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIFTY.
+
+THE LEGEND OF THE BELL ROCK.
+
+There was a grand procession through the streets of the two towns of
+Perth and Dundee.  The holy abbots, in their robes, walked under gilded
+canopies, the monks chanted, the censers were thrown, flags and banners
+were carried by seamen, lighted tapers by penitents; Saint Antonio, the
+patron of those who trust to the stormy ocean, was carried in all pomp
+through the streets; and, as the procession passed, coins of various
+value were thrown down by those who watched it from the windows, and, as
+fast as thrown were collected by little boys dressed as angels, and
+holding silver vessels to receive the largesses.  During the whole day
+did the procession continue, and large was the treasure collected in the
+two towns.  Every one gave freely, for there were few, indeed none, who,
+if not in their own circle, at least among their acquaintances, had to
+deplore the loss of some one dear to them, or to those they visited,
+from the dangerous rock which lay in the very track of all the vessels
+entering the Firth of Tay.
+
+These processions had been arranged, that a sufficient sum of money
+might be collected to enable them to put in execution a plan proposed by
+an adventurous and bold young seaman, in a council held for the purpose,
+of fixing a bell on the rock, which could be so arranged that the
+slightest breath of wind would cause the hammer of it to sound, and
+thus, by its tolling, warn the mariner of his danger; and the sums given
+were more than sufficient.  A meeting was then held, and it was
+unanimously agreed that Andrew M'Clise should be charged with the
+commission to go over to Amsterdam, and purchase the bell of a merchant
+residing there, whom Andrew stated to have one in his possession, which,
+from its fine tone and size, was exactly calculated for the purport to
+which it was to be appropriated.
+
+Andrew M'Clise embarked with the money, and made a prosperous voyage.
+He had often been at Amsterdam, and had lived with the merchant, whose
+name was Vandermaclin; and the attention to his affairs, the dexterity
+and the rapidity of the movements of Andrew M'Clise, had often elicited
+the warmest encomiums of Mynheer Vandermaclin; and many evenings had
+Andrew M'Clise passed with him, drinking in moderation their favourite
+scheedam, and indulging in the meditative merschaum.  Vandermaclin had
+often wished that he had a son like Andrew M'Clise, to whom he could
+leave his property, with the full assurance that the heap would not be
+scattered, but greatly added to.
+
+Vandermaclin was a widower.  He had but one daughter, who was now just
+arrived at an age to return from the pension to her father's house, and
+take upon herself the domestic duties.  M'Clise had never yet seen the
+beautiful Katerina.
+
+"And so, Mynheer M'Clise," said Vandermaclin, who was sitting in the
+warehouse on the ground-floor of his tenement, "you come to purchase the
+famous bell of Utrecht; with the intention of fixing it upon that rock,
+the danger of which we have so often talked over after the work of the
+day has been done?  I, too, have suffered from that same rock, as you
+well know; but still I have been fortunate.  The price will be heavy;
+and so it ought to be, for the bell itself is of no small weight."
+
+"We are prepared to pay it, Mynheer Vandermaclin."
+
+"Nevertheless, in so good a cause, and for so good a purport, you shall
+not be overcharged.  I will say nothing of the beauty of the
+workmanship, or even of the mere manufacture.  You shall pay but its
+value in metal; the same price which the Jew Isaacs offered me for it
+but four months ago.  I will not ask what a Jew would ask, but what a
+Jew would give, which makes no small difference.  Have you ten thousand
+guilders?"
+
+"I have, and more."
+
+"That is my price, Mynheer M'Clise, and I wish for no more; for I, too,
+will contribute my share to the good work.  Are you content, and is it a
+bargain?"
+
+"It is; and the holy abbots will thank you on vellum, Mynheer
+Vandermaclin, for your generosity."
+
+"I prefer the thanks of the bold seamen to those of the idle churchmen;
+but, never mind, it is a bargain.  Now, we will go in; it is time to
+close the doors.  We will take our pipes, and you shall make the
+acquaintance of my fair daughter, Katerina."
+
+At the time we are speaking of, M'Clise was about six-and-twenty years
+of age; he was above the middle size, elegant in person, and with a
+frankness and almost nobility in his countenance, which won all who saw
+him.
+
+His manners were like those of most seamen, bold, but not offensively
+so.  His eye was piercing as an eagle's; and it seemed as if his very
+soul spoke from it.  At the very first meeting between him and the
+daughter of Vandermaclin, it appeared to both as if their destinies were
+to unite them.
+
+They loved not as others love, but with an intensity which it would be
+impossible to portray; but they hardly exchanged a word.  Again and
+again they met; their eyes spoke, but nothing more.  The bell was put on
+board the vessel, the money had been paid down, and M'Clise could no
+longer delay.  He felt as if his heart-strings were severed as he tore
+himself away from the land where all remained that he coveted upon
+earth.  And Katerina, she too felt as if her existence was a blank; and
+as the vessel sailed from the port, she breathed short; and when not
+even her white and lofty topgallant sail could be discovered as a speck,
+she threw herself on her couch and wept.  And M'Clise as he sailed away,
+remained for hours leaning his cheek on his hand, thinking of, over and
+over again, every lineament and feature of the peerless Katerina.
+
+Two months passed away, during which M'Clise was busied every ebb of the
+tide in superintending the work on the rock.  At last, all was ready;
+and once more was to be beheld a gay procession; but this time it was on
+the water.  It was on a calm and lovely summer's morn, that the abbots
+and the monks, attended by a large company of the authorities, and
+others, who were so much interested in the work in hand, started from
+the shore of Aberbrothwick in a long line of boats, decorated with
+sacred and with other various banners and devices.  The music floated
+along the water, and the solemn chants of the monks were for once heard
+where never yet they had been heard before, or ever will again.  M'Clise
+was at the rock, in a small vessel purposely constructed to carry the
+bell, and with sheers to hang it on the supports imbedded in the solid
+rock.  The bell was in its place, and the abbot blessed the bell; and
+holy water was sprinkled on the metal, which was for the future to be
+lashed by the waves of the salt sea.  And the music and the chants were
+renewed; and as they continued, the wind gradually rose, and with the
+rising of the wind the bell tolled loud and deep.  The tolling of the
+bell was the signal for return, for it was a warning that the weather
+was about to change, and the procession pulled back to Aberbrothwick,
+and landed in good time; for in one hour more, and the rocky coast was
+again lashed by the waves, and the bell tolled loud and quick, although
+there were none there but the sea-gull, who screamed with fright as he
+wheeled in the air at this unusual noise upon the rock, which, at the
+ebb he had so often made his resting-place.
+
+M'Clise had done his work; the bell was fixed; and once more he hastened
+with his vessel to Amsterdam.  Once more was he an inmate of
+Vandermaclin's house; once more in the presence of the idol of his soul.
+This time they spoke; this time their vows were exchanged for life and
+death.  But Vandermaclin saw not the state of their hearts.  He looked
+upon the young seamen as too low, too poor, to be a match for his
+daughter; and as such an idea never entered his head, so did he never
+imagine that he would have dared to love.  But he was soon undeceived;
+for M'Clise frankly stated his attachment, and demanded the hand of
+Katerina; and, at the demand, Vandermaclin's face was flushed with
+anger.
+
+"Mynheer M'Clise," said he, after a pause, as if to control his
+feelings; "when a man marries, he is bound to show that he has
+wherewithal to support his wife; to support her in that rank, and to
+afford her those luxuries to which she has been accustomed in her
+father's house.  Show me that you can do so, and I will not refuse you
+the hand of Katerina."
+
+"As yet, I have not," replied M'Clise; "but I am young and can work; I
+have money, and will gain more.  Tell me what sum do you think that I
+should possess to warrant my demanding the hand of your daughter?"
+
+"Produce twelve thousand guilders, and she is yours," replied the
+merchant.
+
+"I have but three thousand," replied M'Clise.
+
+"Then, think no more of Katerina.  It is a foolish passion, and you must
+forget it.  And, Mynheer M'Clise, I must not have my daughter's
+affections tampered with.  She must forget you; and that can only be
+effected by your not meeting again.  I wish you well, Mynheer M'Clise,
+but I must request your absence."
+
+M'Clise departed from the presence of the merchant, bowed down with
+grief and disappointment.  He contrived that a letter, containing the
+result of his application, should be put in the hands of Katerina.  But
+Vandermaclin was informed of this breach of observance, and Katerina was
+sent to a convent, there to remain until the departure of her lover; and
+Vandermaclin wrote to his correspondent at Dundee, requesting that the
+goods forwarded to him might not be sent by the vessel commanded by
+M'Clise.
+
+Of this our young captain received information.  All hope was nearly
+gone; still he lingered, and delayed his departure.  He was no longer
+the active, energetic seaman; he neglected all, even his attire.
+
+M'Clise knew in which convent his fair Katerina had been immured; and
+often would he walk round its precincts, with the hope of seeing her, if
+it were but for a moment, but in vain.  His vessel was now laden, and he
+could delay no longer.  He was to sail the next morning; and once more
+did the unhappy young man take his usual walk to look at those walls
+which contained all that was dear to him on earth.  His reverie was
+broken by a stone falling down to his feet; he took it up; there was a
+small piece of paper attached to it with a silken thread.  He opened it;
+it was the handwriting of Katerina, and contained but two words--"_The
+Bell_."
+
+The bell!  M'Clise started; for he immediately comprehended what was
+meant.  The whole plan came like electricity through his brain.  Yes;
+then there was a promise of happiness.  The bell was worth ten thousand
+guilders; that sum had been offered, and would now be given by Isaacs
+the Jew.  He would be happy with his Katerina; and he blessed her
+ingenuity for devising the means.  For a minute or two he was
+transported; but the re-action soon took place.  What was he about to
+attempt? sacrilege--cruelty.  The bell had been blessed by the holy
+church; it had been purchased by holy and devout alms.  It had been
+placed on the rock to save the lives of his brother seamen; and were he
+to remove it, would he not be responsible for all the lives lost?  Would
+not the wail of the widow, and the tears of the orphan, be crying out to
+Heaven against him?  No, no! never!  The crime was too horrible; and
+M'Clise stamped upon the paper, thinking he was tempted by Satan in the
+shape of woman; but when woman tempts, man is lost.  He recalled the
+charms of Katerina; all his repugnance was overcome; and he resolved
+that the deed should be accomplished, and that Katerina should be
+gained, even if he lost his soul.
+
+Andrew M'Clise sailed away from Amsterdam, and Katerina recovered her
+liberty.  Vandermaclin was anxious that she should marry: and many were
+the suitors for her hand, but in vain.  She reminded her father, that he
+had pledged himself, if M'Clise counted down twelve thousand guilders,
+that she should be his wife; and to that pledge she insisted that he was
+bound fast.  And Vandermaclin after reasoning with her, and pointing out
+to her that twelve thousand guilders was a sum so large, that M'Clise
+might not procure until his old age, even if he were fortunate,
+acknowledged that such was his promise, and that he would, like an
+honest man, abide by it, provided that M'Clise should fulfil his part of
+the agreement in the space of two years; after which he should delay her
+settlement no longer.  And Katerina raised her eyes to heaven, and
+whispered, as she clasped her hands, "The Bell."  Alas! that we should
+invoke Heaven when we would wish to do wrong: but mortals are blind, and
+none so blind as those who are impelled by passion.
+
+It was in the summer of that year that M'Clise had made his
+arrangements: having procured the assistance of some lawless hands, he
+had taken the advantage of a smooth and glassy sea and a high tide to
+remove the bell on board his own vessel; a work of little difficulty to
+him, as he had placed it there, and knew well the fastenings.  He sailed
+away for Amsterdam, and was permitted by Heaven to arrive safe with his
+sacrilegious freight.  He did not, as before, enter the canal opposite
+to the house of Vandermaclin, but one that ran behind the habitation of
+the Jew Isaacs.  At night, he went into the house, and reported to the
+Jew what he had for sale; and the keen grey eyes of the bent-double
+little Israelite sparkled with delight, for he knew that his profit
+would be great.  At midnight the bell was made fast to the crane, and
+safely deposited in the warehouse of the Jew, who counted out the ten
+thousand guilders to the enraptured M'Clise, whose thoughts were wholly
+upon the possession of his Katerina, and not upon the crime he had
+committed.
+
+But, alas! to conceal one crime, we are too often obliged to be guilty
+of even deeper; and thus it was with Andrew M'Clise.  The people who had
+assisted, upon the promise of a thousand guilders being divided among
+them, now murmured at their share, and insisted upon an equal division
+of the spoils, or threatened with an immediate confession of the black
+deed.
+
+M'Clise raved, and cursed, and tore his hair; promised to give them the
+money as soon as he had wedded Katerina; but they would not consent.
+Again the devil came to his assistance, and whispered how he was to act:
+he consented.  The next night the division was to be made.  They met in
+his cabin; he gave them wine, and they drank plentifully; but the wine
+was poisoned, and they all died before the morning.  M'Clise tied
+weights to their bodies, and sunk them in the deep canal; broke open his
+hatches, to make it appear that his vessel had been plundered; and then
+went to the authorities denouncing his crew as having plundered him, and
+escaped.  Immediate search was made, but they were not to be found; and
+it was supposed that they had escaped in a boat.
+
+Once more M'Clise, whose conscience was seared, went to the house of
+Vandermaclin, counted down his twelve thousand guilders, and claimed his
+bride; and Vandermaclin, who felt that his daughter's happiness was at
+stake, now gave his consent.  As M'Clise stated that he was anxious to
+return to England, and arrange with the merchants whose goods had been
+plundered, in a few days the marriage took place; and Katerina clasped
+the murderer in her arms.  All was apparent joy and revelry; but there
+was anguish in the heart of M'Clise, who, now that he had gained his
+object, felt that it had cost him much too dear, for his peace of mind
+was gone for ever.  But Katerina cared not; every spark of feeling was
+absorbed in her passion, and the very guilt of M'Clise but rendered him
+more dear; for was it not for her that he had done all this?  M'Clise
+received her portion, and hasted to sail away; for the bodies were still
+in the canal, and he trembled every hour lest his crime should be
+discovered.  And Vandermaclin bade farewell to his daughter: and, he
+knew not why, but there was a feeling he could not suppress, that they
+never should meet again.
+
+"Down--down below, Katerina! this is no place for you," cried M'Clise,
+as he stood at the helm of the vessel.  "Down, dearest, down, or you
+will be washed overboard.  Every sea threatens to pour into our decks;
+already have we lost two men.  Down, Katerina! down, I tell you."
+
+"I fear not; let me remain with you."
+
+"I tell you, down!" cried M'Clise, in wrath; and Katerina cast upon him
+a reproachful look, and obeyed.
+
+The storm was at its height; the sun had set, black and monstrous
+billows chased each other, and the dismasted vessel was hurried on
+towards the land.  The wind howled, and whistled sharply at each chink
+in the bulwarks of the vessel.  For three days had they fought the gale,
+but in vain.  Now, if it continued, all chance was over; for the shore
+was on their lee, distant not many miles.  Nothing could save them, but
+gaining the mouth of the Firth of Tay, and then they could bear up for
+Dundee.  And there was a boiling surge, and a dark night, and roaring
+seas, and their masts were floating far away; and M'Clise stood at the
+helm, keeping her broadside to the sea: his heart was full of
+bitterness, and his guilty conscience bore him down, and he looked for
+death, and he dreaded it; for was he not a sacrilegious murderer, and
+was there not an avenging God above?
+
+Once more Katerina appeared on deck, clinging for support to Andrew.
+
+"I cannot stay below.  Tell me, will it soon be over?"
+
+"Yes," replied M'Clise, gloomily; "it will soon be over with all of us."
+
+"How mean you? you told me there was no danger."
+
+"I told you falsely; there is death soon, and damnation afterwards; for
+you I have lost my soul!"
+
+"Oh! say not so."
+
+"I say it.  Leave me, leave me, woman, or I curse thee."
+
+"Curse me, Andrew?  Oh, no!  Kiss me, Andrew; and if we are to perish,
+let us expire in each other's arms."
+
+"'Tis as well; you have dragged me to perdition.  Leave me, I say, for
+you have my bitter curse."
+
+Thus was his guilty love turned to hate, now that death was staring him
+in the face.
+
+Katerina made no reply.  She threw herself on the deck, and abandoned
+herself to her feeling of bitter anguish.  And as she lay there, and
+M'Clise stood at the helm, the wind abated; the vessel was no longer
+borne down as before, although the waves were still mountains high.  The
+seamen on board rallied; some fragments of sail were set on the remnants
+of the masts, and there was a chance of safety.  M'Clise spoke not, but
+watched the helm.  The wind shifted in their favour; and hope rose in
+every heart.  The Firth of Tay was now open, and they were saved!  Light
+was the heart of M'Clise when he kept away the vessel, and gave the helm
+up to the mate.  He hastened to Katerina, who still remained on the
+deck, raised her up, whispered comfort and returning love; but she heard
+not--she could not forget--and she wept bitterly.
+
+"We are saved, dear Katerina!"
+
+"Better that we had been lost!" replied she, mournfully.
+
+"No, no! say not so, with your own Andrew pressing you to his bosom."
+
+"Your bitter curse!"
+
+"'Twas madness--nothing--I knew not what I said."  But the iron had
+entered into her soul.  Her heart was broken.
+
+"You had better give orders for them to look out for the Bell Rock,"
+observed the man at the helm to M'Clise.
+
+The Bell Rock!  M'Clise shuddered, and made no reply.  Onward went the
+vessel, impelled by the sea and wind: one moment raised aloft, and
+towering over the surge; at another, deep in the hollow trough, and
+walled in by the convulsed element.  M'Clise still held his Katerina in
+his arms, who responded not to his endearments, when a sudden shock
+threw them on the deck.  The crashing of the timbers, the pouring of the
+waves over the stern, the heeling and settling of the vessel, were but
+the work of a few seconds.  One more furious shock,--she separates,
+falls on her beam ends, and the raging seas sweep over her.
+
+M'Clise threw from him her whom he had so madly loved, and plunged into
+the wave.  Katerina shrieked, as she dashed after him, and all was over.
+
+When the storm rises, and the screaming sea-gull seeks the land, and the
+fisherman hasten his bark towards the beach, there is to be seen,
+descending from the dark clouds with the rapidity of lightning, the form
+of Andrew M'Clise, the heavy bell to which he is attached by the neck,
+bearing him down to his doom.
+
+And when all is smooth and calm, when at the ebbing tide, the wave but
+gently kisses the rock, then by the light of the silver moon, the
+occupants of the vessels which sail from the Firth of Tay, have often
+beheld the form of the beautiful Katerina, waving her white scarf as a
+signal that they should approach, and take her off from the rock on
+which she is seated.  At times, she offers a letter for her father,
+Vandermaclin; and she mourns and weeps as the wary mariners, with their
+eyes fixed on her, and with folded arms, pursue their course in silence
+and in dread.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIFTY ONE.
+
+MOONSHINE.
+
+Those who have visited our West India possessions must have often been
+amused with the humour and cunning which occasionally appear in a negro
+more endowed than the generality of his race, particularly when the
+master also happens to be a humourist.  The swarthy servitor seems to
+reflect his patron's absurdities; and having thoroughly studied his
+character, ascertains how far he can venture to take liberties without
+fear of punishment.
+
+One of these strange specimens I once met with in a negro called
+Moonshine, belonging to a person equally strange in his own way, who
+had, for many years, held the situation of harbour-master at Port Royal,
+but had then retired on a pension, and occupied a small house at Ryde,
+in the Isle of Wight.  His name was Cockle, but he had long been
+addressed as Captain Cockle; and this brevet rank he retained until the
+day of his death.  In person he was very large and fat--not unlike a
+cockle in shape: so round were his proportions, and so unwieldy, that it
+appeared much easier to roll him along from one place to another, than
+that he should walk.  Indeed, locomotion was not to his taste: he seldom
+went much farther than round the small patch of garden which was in
+front of his house, and in which he had some pinks and carnations and
+chrysanthemums, of which he was not a little proud.  His head was quite
+bald, smooth, and shining white; his face partook of a more roseate
+tint, increasing in depth till it settled into an intense red at the tip
+of his nose.  Cockle had formerly been a master of a merchant-vessel,
+and from his residence in a warm climate had contracted a habit of
+potation, which became confirmed during the long period of his holding
+his situation at Port Royal.  He had purchased Moonshine for three
+hundred dollars, when he was about seven years old, and, upon his return
+to England, had taken him with him.
+
+Moonshine was very much attached to his master, very much attached to
+having his own way, and was, farther, very much attached to his master's
+grog bottle.
+
+The first attachment was a virtue: the second human nature; and the
+third, in the opinion of old Cockle, a crime of serious magnitude.  I
+very often called upon Captain Cockle, for he had a quaint humour about
+him which amused; and, as he seldom went out, he was always glad to see
+any of his friends.  Another reason was, that I seldom went to the house
+without finding some entertainment in the continual sparring between the
+master and the man.  I was at that time employed in the Preventive
+Service, and my station was about four miles from the residence of
+Cockle.  One morning I stalked in, and found him, as usual, in his
+little parlour on the ground-floor.
+
+"Well, Cockle, my boy, how are you?"
+
+"Why, to tell you the truth, Bob, I'm all wrong.  I'm on the stool of
+repentance; to wit, on this easy chair, doing penance, as you perceive,
+in a pair of duck trousers.  Last night I was half-seas over, and
+tolerably happy; this morning I am high and dry, and intolerably
+miserable.  Carried more sail than ballast last night, and lost my head;
+this morning I've found it again, with a pig of ballast in it, I
+believe.  All owing to my good nature."
+
+"How is that, Cockle?"
+
+"Why, that Jack Piper was here last night; and rather than he should
+drink all the grog and not find his way home, I drank some myself--he'd
+been in a bad way if I had not, poor fellow!--and now, you see, I'm
+suffering all from good nature.  Easiness of disposition has been my
+ruin, and has rounded me into this ball, by wearing away all my sharp
+edges, Bob."
+
+"It certainly was very considerate and very kind of you, Cockle,
+especially when we know how much you must have acted at variance with
+your inclinations."
+
+"Yes, Bob, yes, I am the milk punch of human kindness.  I often cry--
+when the chimney smokes; and sometimes--when I laugh too much.  You see,
+I not only give my money, as others will do, but, as last night, I even
+give my head to assist a fellow-creature.  I could, however, dispense
+with it for an hour or two this morning."
+
+"Nay, don't say that; for although you might dispense with the upper
+part, you could not well get on without your mouth, Cockle."
+
+"Very true, Bob; a chap without a mouth would be like a ship without a
+companion hatch;--talking about that, the combings of my mouth are
+rather dry--what do you say, Bob, shall we call Moonshine?"
+
+"Why it's rather broad daylight for Moonshine."
+
+"He's but an eclipse--a total eclipse, I may say.  The fact is, my head
+is so heavy, that it rolls about on my shoulders; and I must have a
+stiffener down my throat to prop it it up.  So Moonshine, shine out, you
+black-faced rascal!"
+
+The negro was outside, cleaning his knives:--he answered, but continued
+at his work.
+
+"How me shine, Massa Cockle, when you neber gib me _shiner_?"
+
+"No: but I'll give you a _shinner_ on your lower limb, that shall make
+you feel planet-struck, if you don't show your ugly face," replied
+Cockle.
+
+"Massa Cockle, you full of dictionary dis marning."
+
+"Come here, sir!"
+
+"Why you so parsonal dis marning, sar," replied Moonshine, rubbing away
+at the knifeboard--"my face no shine more dan your white skull widout
+hair."
+
+"I pulled one out, you scoundrel, every time you stole my grog, and now
+they are all gone.--Hairs; what should I do with heirs when I've nothing
+to leave," continued Cockle, addressing me--"hairs are like rats, that
+quit a ship as soon as she gets old.  Now, Bob, I wonder how long that
+rascal will make us wait.  I brought him home and gave him his freedom--
+but give an inch and he takes an ell.  Moonshine, I begin to feel
+angry--the tip of my nose is red already."
+
+"Come directly, Massa Cockle."
+
+Moonshine gave two more rubs on the board, and then made his appearance.
+
+"You call me, sar?"
+
+"What's the use of calling you, you black rascal?"
+
+"Now sar, dat not fair--you say to me, Moonshine, always do one thing
+first--so I 'bey order and finish knives--dat ting done, I come and 'bey
+next order."
+
+"Well, bring some cold water and some tumblers."
+
+Moonshine soon appeared with the articles, and then walked out of the
+room, grinning at me.
+
+"Moonshine, where are you going, you thief?--when did you ever see me
+drink cold water, or offer it to my friend?"
+
+"Neber see you drink it but once, and den you tipsy, and tink it gin;
+but you very often gib notin but water to your friends, Massa Cockle."
+
+"When, you scoundrel?"
+
+"Why, very often you say dat water quite strong enough for me."
+
+"That's because I love you, Moonshine.  Grog is a sad enemy to us."
+
+"Massa Cockle real fine Christian--he lub him enemy," interrupted
+Moonshine, looking at me.
+
+"At all events, I'm not ashamed to look mine enemy in the face--so hand
+us out the bottle."
+
+Moonshine put the bottle on the table.
+
+"Now, Bob," said Cockle, "what d'ye say to a _seven bell-er_?  Why,
+hallo! what's become of all the grog?"
+
+"All drank last night, Massa Cockle," replied Moonshine.
+
+"Now, you ebony thief, I'll swear that there was half a bottle left when
+I took my last glass; for I held the bottle up to the candle to
+ascertain the ullage."
+
+"When you go up tairs, Massa Cockle, so help me Gad! not one drop left
+in de bottle."
+
+"Will you take your oath, Moonshine, that you did not drink any last
+night?"
+
+"No, Massa Cockle, because I gentleman, and neber tell lie--me drink,
+because you gib it to me."
+
+"Then I must have been drunk indeed.  Now, tell me, how did I give it to
+you?--tell me every word which passed."
+
+"Yes, Massa Cockle, me make you recollect all about it.  When Massa
+Piper go away, you look at bottel and den you say, `'Fore I go up to
+bed, I take one more glass for _coming_ up.'--Den I say, `'Pose you do,
+you nebber be able to _go up_.'  Den you say, `Moonshine, you good
+fellow (you always call me good fellow when you want me), you must help
+me.'  You drink you grog--you fall back in de chair, and you shut first
+one eye, and den you shut de oder.  I see more grog on the table: so I
+take up de bottel and I say, `Massa Cockle, you go up stairs?' and you
+say, `Yes, yes--directly.'  Den I hold de bottel up and say to you,
+`Massa, shall I help you?' and you say, `Yes, you must _help_ me.'  So
+den I take one glass of grog, 'cause you tell me to help you."
+
+"I didn't tell you to help yourself though, you scoundrel!"
+
+"Yes, Massa, when you tell me to help you with de bottel, I 'bey order,
+and help myself.  Den, sar, I waits little more, and I say, `Massa now
+you go up 'tairs,' and you start up and you wake, and you say, `Yes,
+yes;' and den I hold up and show you bottel again, and I say, `Shall I
+_help_ you massa?' and den you say `Yes.'  So I 'bey order again, and
+take one more glass.  Den you open mouth and you snore--so I look again
+and I see one little glass more in bottel, and I call you, `Massa
+Cockle, Massa Cockle,' and you say, `high--high!'--and den you head fall
+on you chest, and you go sleep again--so den I call again and I say;
+`Massa Cockle, here one lilly more drop, shall I drink it?' and you nod
+you head on you bosom, and say noting--so I not quite sure, and I say
+again, `Massa Cockle, shall I finish this lilly drop?' and you nod you
+head once more.  Den I say, `all right,' and I say, `you very good helt,
+Massa Cockle;' and I finish de bottel.  Now, Massa, you ab de whole
+tory, and it all really for true."
+
+I perceived that Cockle was quite as much amused at this account of
+Moonshine's as I was myself, but he put on a bluff look.
+
+"So, sir, it appears that you took advantage of my helpless situation,
+to help yourself."
+
+"Massa Cockle, just now you tell Massa Farren dat you drink so much, all
+for good nature Massa Piper--I do same all for good nature."
+
+"Well, Mr Moonshine, I must have some grog," replied Cockle, "and as
+you helped yourself last night, now you must help me;--get it how you
+can, I give you just ten minutes--"
+
+"'Pose you give gib me ten shillings, sar," interrupted Moonshine, "dat
+better."
+
+"Cash is all gone.  I havn't a skillick till quarter-day, not a shot in
+the locker till Wednesday.  Either get me some more grog, or you'll get
+more kicks than halfpence."
+
+"You no ab money--you no ab tick--how I get grog, Massa Cockle?  Missy
+O'Bottom, she tells me, last _quarter_ day, no pay _whole_ bill, she not
+_half_ like it; she say you great deceiver, and no trust more."
+
+"Confound the old hag!  Would you believe it, Bob, that Mrs Rowbottom
+has wanted to grapple with me these last two years--wants to make me
+landlord of the Goose and Pepper-box, taking her as a fixture with the
+premises.  I suspect I should be the goose and she the pepper-box;--but
+we never could shape that course.  In the first place, there's too much
+of her; and, in the next, there's too much of me.  I explained this to
+the old lady as well as I could; and she swelled up as big as a balloon,
+saying, that, when people were really _attached_, they never _attached_
+any weight to such trifling obstacles."
+
+"But you must have been sweet upon her, Cockle?"
+
+"Nothing more than a little sugar to take the nauseous taste of my long
+bill out of her mouth.  As for the love part of the story, that was all
+her own.  I never contradict a lady, because it's not polite; but since
+I explained, the old woman has huffed, and won't trust me with half a
+quartern--will she, Moonshine?"
+
+"No, sar: when I try talk her over, and make promise, she say dat _all
+moonshine_.  But, sar, I try 'gain--I tink I know how."  And Moonshine
+disappeared, leaving us in the dark as to what his plans might be.
+
+"I wonder you never did marry, Cockle," I observed.
+
+"You would not wonder if you knew all.  I must say, that once, and once
+only, I was very near it.  And to whom do you think it was--a woman of
+colour."
+
+"A black woman?"
+
+"No: not half black, only a quarter--what they call a quadroon in the
+West Indies.  But, thank Heaven! she refused me."
+
+"Refused you? hang it, Cockle, I never thought that you had been refused
+by a woman of colour."
+
+"I was, though.  You shall hear how it happened.  She had been the
+quadroon wife (you know what that means) of a planter of the name of
+Guiness; he died, and not only bequeathed her her liberty, but also four
+good houses in Port Royal, and two dozen slaves.  He had been dead about
+two years, and she was about thirty, when I first knew her.  She was
+very rich, for she had a good income and spent nothing, except in jewels
+and dress to deck out her own person, which certainly was very handsome,
+even at that time, for she never had had any family.  Well, if I was not
+quite in love with her, I was with her houses and her money; and I used
+to sit in her verandah and talk sentimental.  One day I made my
+proposal.  `Massa Cockle,' said she, `dere two ting I not like; one is,
+I not like your name.  'Pose I 'cept your offer, you must change you
+name.'
+
+"`Suppose you accept my offer, Mistress Guiness, you'll change your
+name.  I don't know how I am to change mine,' I replied.
+
+"`I make 'quiry, Massa Cockle, and I find that by act and parliament you
+get another name.'
+
+"`An act of parliament!'  I cried.
+
+"`Yes, sar; and I pay five hundred gold Joe 'fore I hear people call me
+Missy Cockle--dat _shell_ fish,' said she, and she turned up her nose.
+
+"`Humph!' said I, `and pray what is the next thing which you wish?'
+
+"`De oder ting, sar, is, you no ab _coat am arms_, no ab seal to your
+watch, with bird and beast 'pon 'em; now 'pose you promise me dat you
+take oder name, and buy um coat am arms; den, sar, I take de matter into
+'sideration.'
+
+"`Save yourself the trouble, ma'am,' said I, jumping up; `my answer is
+short--I'll see you and your whole generation hanged first!'
+
+"Well, that was a very odd sort of a wind-up to a proposal; but here
+comes Moonshine."
+
+The black entered the room, and put a full bottle down on the table.
+
+"Dare it is, sar," said he, grinning.
+
+"Well, done, Moonshine, now I forgive you; but how did you manage it?"
+
+"Me tell you all de tory, sar--first I see Missy O'Bottom, and I say,
+`How you do, how you find himsel dis marning?  Massa come, I tink, by an
+bye, but he almost fraid,' I said.  She say, `What he fraid for?'  He
+tink you angry--not like see him--no lub him any more: he very sorry,
+very sick at 'art--he very much in lub wid you."
+
+"The devil you did!" roared Cockle; "now I shall be bothered again with
+that old woman; I wish she was moored as a buoy to the Royal George."
+
+"Massa no hear all yet.  I say, `Miss O'Bottom, 'pose you no tell?'  `I
+tell.'--`Massa call for clean shirt dis morning, and I say, it no clean
+shirt day, sar;' he say, `Bring me clean shirt;' and den he put him on
+clean shirt and he put him on clean duck trowsers, he make me brush him
+best blue coat.  I say, `What all dis for, massa?'  He put him hand up
+to him head, and he fetch him breath and say--`I fraid Missy O'Bottom,
+no hear me now--I no hab courage;' and den he sit all dress ready, and
+no go.  Den he say, `Moonshine, gib me one glass grog, den I hab
+courage.'  I go fetch bottle, and all grog gone--not one lilly drop
+left; den massa fall down plump in him big chair, and say, `I neber can
+go.'  `But,' say Missy O'Bottom, `why he no send for some?' `'Cause,' I
+say, `quarter-day no come--money all gone.'--Den say she, `If you poor
+massa so _very_ bad, den I trust you one bottel--you gib my compliments
+and say, I very appy to see him, and stay at home,'--Den I say, `Missy
+O'Bottom pose massa not come soon as he take one two glass grog cut my
+head off.'  Dat all, sar."
+
+"That's all, is it?  A pretty scrape you have got me into, you
+scoundrel!  What's to be done now?"
+
+"Why, let's have a glass of grog first, Cockle," replied I, "we've been
+waiting a long while for it, and we'll then talk the matter over."
+
+"Bob, you're sensible, and the old woman was no fool in sending the
+liquor--it requires _Dutch_ courage to attack such a Dutch-built old
+schuyt; let's get the cobwebs out of our throats, and then we must see
+how we can get out of this scrape.  I expect that I shall pay `dearly
+for my whistle' this time I wet mine.  Now, what's to be done, Bob?"
+
+"I think that you had better leave it to Moonshine," said I.
+
+"So I will.--Now, sir, as you have got me into this scrape, you must get
+me out of it.--D'ye hear?"
+
+"Yes, Massa Cockle, I tink--but no ab courage."
+
+"I understand you, you sooty fellow--here, drink this, and see if it
+will brighten up your wits.  He's a regular turnpike, that fellow, every
+thing must pay toll."
+
+"Massa Cockle, I tell Missy O'Bottom dat you come soon as you hab two
+glass grog; 'pose you only drink one."
+
+"That won't do, Moonshine, for I'm just mixing my second; you must find
+out something better."
+
+"One glass grog, massa, gib no more dan one tought--dat you ab--"
+
+"Well, then, here's another.--Now recollect, before you drink it, you
+are to get me out of this scrape; if not, you get into a scrape, for
+I'll beat you as--as white as snow."
+
+"'Pose you no _wash_ nigger white, you no _mangle_ him white, Massa
+Cockle," added Moonshine.
+
+"The fellow's _ironing_ me, Bob, ar'n't he?" said Cockle, laughing.
+"Now, before you drink, recollect the conditions."
+
+"Drink first, sar, make sure of dat," replied Moonshine, swallowing off
+the brandy; "tink about it afterwards.--Eh!  I ab it," cried Moonshine,
+who disappeared, and Cockle and I continued in conversation over our
+grog, which to sailors is acceptable in any one hour in the twenty-four.
+About ten minutes afterwards Cockle perceived Moonshine in the little
+front garden.  "There's that fellow, Bob; what is he about?"
+
+"Only picking a nosegay, I believe," replied I, looking out of the
+window.
+
+"The rascal, he must be picking all my chrysanthemums.  Stop him, Bob."
+
+But Moonshine vaulted over the low pales, and there was no stopping him.
+It was nearly an hour before he returned; and when he came in, we found
+that he was dressed out in his best, looking quite a dandy, and with
+some of his master's finest flowers, in a large nosegay, sticking in his
+waistcoat.
+
+"All right, sar, all right; dat last glass grog gib me fine idee; you
+neber ab more trouble bout Missy O'Bottom."
+
+"Well, let's hear," said Cockle.
+
+"I dress mysel bery 'pruce, as you see, massa.  I take nosegay."
+
+"Yes, I see that, and be hanged to you."
+
+"Neber mind, Massa Cockle.  I say to Missy O'Bottom, `Massa no able
+come, he very sorry, so he send me;' `well,' she say, `what you ab to
+say, sit down, Moonshine, you very nice man.'  Den I say, `Massa Cockle
+lub you very much, he tink all day how he make you appy; den he say,
+Missy O'Bottom very fine 'oman, make very fine wife.'  Den Missy
+O'Bottom say, `'Top a moment,' and she bring a bottel from cupboard, and
+me drink something did make 'tomach feel really warm; and den she say,
+`Moonshine, what you massa say?' den I say, massa say, `You fine 'oman,
+make good wife;' but he shake um head, and say, `I very old man, no good
+for noting; I tink all day how I make her appy, and I find out--
+Moonshine, you young man, you 'andsome feller, you good servant, I not
+like you go away, but I tink you make Missy O'Bottom very fine 'usband;
+so I not care for myself, you go to Missy O'Bottom, and tell I send you,
+dat I part wid you, and give you to her for 'usband.'"
+
+Cockle and I burst out laughing.  "Well, and what did Mrs Rowbottom say
+to that?"
+
+"She jump up, and try to catch me hair, but I bob my head, and she miss;
+den she say, `You filthy black rascal, you tell you massa, 'pose he ever
+come here, I break his white bald pate; and 'pose you ever come here, I
+smash you woolly black skull.'--Dat all, Massa Cockle; you see all right
+now, and I quite dry wid talking."
+
+"All right! do you call it.  I never meant to quarrel with the old
+woman; what d'ye think, Bob--is it all right?"
+
+"Why, you must either have quarrelled with her, or married her, that's
+clear."
+
+"Well, then, I'm clear of her, and so it's all right.  It a'n't every
+man who can get out of matrimony by sacrificing a nosegay and two
+glasses of grog."
+
+"Tree glasses, Massa Cockle," said Moonshine.
+
+"Well, three glasses; here it is, you dog, and its dog cheap, too.
+Thank God, next Wednesday's quarter day.  Bob, you must dine with me--
+cut the service for to-day."
+
+"With all my heart," replied I, "and I'll salve my conscience by walking
+the beach all night; but, Cockle, look here, there is but a drop in the
+bottle, and you have no more.  I am like you, with a clean swept hold.
+You acknowledge the difficulty?"
+
+"It stares me in the face, Bob; what must be done?"
+
+"I'll tell you--in the first place, what have you for dinner?"
+
+"Moonshine, what have we got for dinner?"
+
+"Dinner, sar?--me not yet tink about dinner.  What you like to eat,
+sar?"
+
+"What have we got in the house, Moonshine?"
+
+"Let me see, sar? first place, we ab very fine piece picklum pork; den
+we have picklum pork; and den--let me tink--den we ab, we ab picklum
+pork, sar."
+
+"The long and the short of it is, Bob, that we have nothing but a piece
+of pickled pork; can you dine off that?"
+
+"Can a duck swim, Cockle!"
+
+"Please, sar, we ab plenty pea for _dog baddy_," said Moonshine.
+
+"Well, then, Cockle, as all that is required is to put the pot on the
+fire, you can probably spare Moonshine, after he has done that, and we
+will look to the cookery; start him off with a note to Mr Johns, and he
+can bring back a couple of bottles from my quarters."
+
+"Really dat very fine tought, Massa Farren; I put in pork, and den I go
+and come back in one hour."
+
+"That you never will, Mr Moonshine; what's o'clock now? mercy on us,
+how time flies in your company, Cockle, it is nearly four o'clock; it
+will be dark at six."
+
+"Neber mind, sar, me always ab _moonshine_ whereber I go," said the
+black, showing his teeth.
+
+"It will take two hours to boil the pork, Bob; that fellow has been so
+busy this morning that he has quite forgot the dinner."
+
+"All you business, Massa Cockle."
+
+"Very true; but now start as soon as you can, and come back as soon as
+you can; here's the note."
+
+Moonshine took the note, looked at the direction, as if he could read
+it, and in a few minutes was seen to depart.
+
+"And now, Cockle," said I, "as Moonshine will be gone some time, suppose
+you spin us a yarn to pass away the time."
+
+"I'll tell you what, Bob, I am not quite so good at that as I used to
+be.  I've an idea that when my pate became bald, my memory oozed away by
+insensible perspiration."
+
+"Never mind, you must have something left, you can't be quite empty."
+
+"No, but my tumbler is; so I'll just fill that up, and then I'll tell
+you how it was that I came to go to sea."
+
+"The very thing that I should like to hear, above all others."
+
+"Well, then, you must know that, like cockles in general, I was born on
+the sea-shore, just a quarter of a mile out of Dover, towards
+Shakespeare's Cliff.  My father was a fisherman by profession, and a
+smuggler by practice, all was fish that came to his net; but his cottage
+was small, he was supposed to be very poor, and a very bad fisherman,
+for he seldom brought home many; but there was a reason for that, he
+very seldom put his nets overboard.  His chief business lay in taking
+out of vessels coming down Channel, goods which were shipped and bonded
+for exportation, and running them on shore again.  You know, Bob, that
+there are many articles which are not permitted to enter even upon
+paying duty, and when these goods, such as silks, etcetera, are seized
+or taken in prizes, they are sold for exportation.  Now, it was then the
+custom for vessels to take them on board in the river, and run them on
+shore as they went down Channel, and the fishing-boats were usually
+employed for this service; my father was a well-known hand for this kind
+of work, for not being suspected, he was always fortunate; of course,
+had he once been caught, they would have had their eyes upon him after
+he had suffered his punishment.  Now the way my father used to manage
+was this: there was a long tunnel-drain from some houses used as
+manufactories, about a hundred yards above his cottage, which extended
+out into the sea at low-water mark, and which passed on one side of our
+cottage.  My father had cut from a cellar in the cottage into the drain,
+and as it was large enough for a man to kneel down in, he used to come
+in at low-water with his coble, and make fast the goods, properly
+secured from the wet and dirt in tarpaulin bags, to a rope, which led
+from the cellar to the sea through the drain.  When the water had flowed
+sufficiently to cover the mouth of the drain, he then threw the bags
+overboard, and, securing the boat, went to the cottage, hauled up the
+articles, and secured them too; d'ye understand?  My father had no one
+to assist him but my brother, who was a stout fellow, seven years older
+than myself, and my mother, who used to give a helping hand when
+required; and thus did he keep his own counsel, and grow rich; when all
+was right, he got his boat over into the harbour, and having secured
+her, he came home as innocent as a lamb.  I was then about eight or nine
+years old, and went with my father and brother in the coble, for she
+required three hands, at least, to manage her properly, and like a
+tin-pot, although not very big, I was very useful.  Now it so happened
+that my father had notice that a brig, laying in Dover harbour, would
+sail the next day, and that she had on board of her a quantity of lace
+and silks, purchased at the Dover custom-house for exportation, which he
+was to put on shore again to be sent up to London.  The sending up to
+London we had nothing to do with; the agent at Dover managed all that;
+we only left the articles at his house, and then received the money on
+the nail.  We went to the harbour, where we found the brig hauling out,
+so we made all haste to get away before her.  It blew fresh from the
+northward and eastward, and there was a good deal of sea running.  As we
+were shoving out, the London agent, a jolly little round-faced fellow,
+in black clothes, and a bald white head, called to us, and said that he
+wanted to board a vessel in the offing, and asked whether we would take
+him.  This was all a ruse, as he intended to go on board of the brig
+with us to settle matters, and then return in the pilot boat.  Well, we
+hoisted our jib, drew aft our foresheet, and were soon clear of the
+harbour; but we found that there was a devil of a sea running, and more
+wind than we bargained for; the brig came out of the harbour with a
+flowing sheet, and we lowered down the foresail to reef it--father and
+brother busy about that, while I stood at the helm, when the agent said
+to me, `When do you mean to make a voyage?'  `Sooner than father thinks
+for,' said I, `for I want to see the world.'  It was sooner than I
+_thought for_ too, as you shall hear.  As soon as the brig was well out,
+we ran down to her, and with some difficulty my father and the agent got
+on board, for the sea was high and cross, the tide setting against the
+wind; my brother and I were left in the boat to follow in the wake of
+the brig; but as my brother was casting off the rope forward, his leg
+caught in the bight, and into the sea he went; however, they hauled him
+on board, leaving me alone in the coble.  It was not of much
+consequence, as I could manage to follow before the wind under easy
+sail, without assistance: so I kept her in the wake of the brig, both of
+us running nearly before it at the rate of five miles an hour, waiting
+till my father should have made up his packages, of a proper size to
+walk through the tunnel drain.
+
+"The Channel was full of ships, for the westerly winds had detained them
+for a long time.  I had followed the brig about an hour, when the agent
+went on shore in a pilot boat, and I expected my father would soon be
+ready; then the wind veered more towards the southward, with dirt: at
+last it came on foggy, and I could hardly see the brig, and as it rained
+hard, and blew harder, I wished that my father was ready, for my arms
+ached with steering the coble for so long a while.  I could not leave
+the helm, so I steered on at a black lump, as the brig looked through
+the fog: at last the fog was so thick that I could not see a yard beyond
+the boat, and I hardly knew how to steer.  I began to be frightened,
+tired, and cold, and hungry I certainly was.  Well, I steered on for
+more than an hour, when the fog cleared up a little, and to my joy I saw
+the stern of the brig just before me.  I expected that she would
+round-to immediately, and that my father would praise me for my conduct;
+and, what was still more to the purpose, that I should get something to
+eat and drink.  But no: she steered on right down Channel, and I
+followed for more than an hour, when it came on to blow very hard, and I
+could scarcely manage the boat--she pulled my little arms off.  The
+weather now cleared up, and I could make out the vessel plainly; when I
+discovered that it was not the _brig_, but a bark which I had got hold
+of in the fog, so that I did not know what to do; but I did as most boys
+would have done in a fright,--I sat down and cried; still, however,
+keeping the tiller in my hand, and steering as well as I could.  At
+last.  I could hold it no longer; I ran forward, let go the fore and jib
+haul-yards, and hauled down the sails; drag them into the boat I could
+not, and there I was, like a young bear adrift in a washing-tub.  I
+looked around, and there were no vessels near; the bark had left me two
+miles astern, it was blowing a gale from the SE, with a heavy sea--the
+gulls and sea-birds wheeling and screaming in the storm.  The boat
+tossed and rolled about so that I was obliged to hold on, but she
+shipped no water of any consequence, for the jib in the water forward
+had brought her head to wind, and acted as a sort of floating anchor.
+At last I lay down at the bottom of the boat and fell asleep.  It was
+daylight before I awoke, and it blew harder than ever; and I could just
+see some vessels at a distance, scudding before the gale, but they could
+hardly see me.  I sat very melancholy the whole day, shedding tears,
+surrounded by nothing but the roaring waves.  I prayed very earnestly: I
+said the Lord's Prayer, the Belief, and as much of the Catechism as I
+could recollect.  I was wet, starving, and miserably cold.  At night I
+again fell asleep from exhaustion.  When morning broke, and the sun
+shone, the gale abated, and I felt more cheered; but I was now ravenous
+from hunger, as well as choking from thirst, and was so weak that I
+could scarcely stand.  I looked round me every now and then, and in the
+afternoon saw a large vessel standing right for me; this gave me courage
+and strength.  I stood up and waved my hat, and they saw me--the sea was
+still running very high, but the wind had gone down.  She rounded-to so
+as to bring me under her lee.  Send a boat she could not, but the sea
+bore her down upon me, and I was soon close to her.  Men in the chains
+were ready with ropes, and I knew that this was my only chance.  At
+last, a very heavy sea bore her right down upon the boat, lurching over
+on her beam ends, her main chains struck the boat and sent her down,
+while I was seized by the scruff of the neck by two of the seamen, and
+borne aloft by them as the vessel returned to the weather-roll.  I was
+safe.  And, as soon as they had given me something to eat, I told my
+story.  It appeared that she was an East India-man running down Channel,
+and not likely to meet with anything to scud me back again.  The
+passengers, especially the ladies, were very kind to me: and as there
+was no help for it, why, I took my first voyage to the _East Indies_."
+
+"And your father and your brother?"
+
+"Why, when I met them, which I did about six years afterwards, I found
+that they had been in much the same predicament, having lost the coble,
+and the weather being so bad that they could not get on shore again.  As
+there was no help for it, they took their first voyage to the _West
+Indies_; so there was a dispersion of an united family--two went west,
+one went east, coble went down, and mother, after waiting a month or
+two, and supposing father dead, went off with a soldier.  All dispersed
+by one confounded gale of wind from the northward and eastward, so
+that's the way that I went to sea, Bob.  And now it's time that
+Moonshine was back."
+
+But Moonshine kept us waiting for some time: when he returned it was
+then quite dark, and we had lighted candles, anxiously waiting for him;
+for not only was the bottle empty, but we were very hungry.  At last we
+heard a conversation at the gate, and Moonshine made his appearance with
+the two bottles of spirits, and appeared himself to be also in high
+spirits.  The pork and peas-pudding soon were on the table.  We dined
+heartily, and were sitting over the latter part of the first bottle in
+conversation, it being near upon the eleventh hour, when we heard a
+noise, at the gate--observed some figures of men, who stayed a short
+time and then disappeared.  The door opened, and Moonshine went out.  In
+a few seconds he returned, bringing in his arms an anker of spirits,
+which he laid on the floor, grinning so wide that his head appeared half
+off.  Without saying a word, he left the room and returned with another.
+
+"Why, what the devil's this?" cried Cockle.
+
+Moonshine made no answer, but went out and in until he had brought six
+ankers in, one after another, which he placed in a row on the floor.  He
+then shut the outside door, bolted it, came in, and seating himself on
+one of the tubs, laughed to an excess which compelled him to hold his
+sides; Cockle and I looking on in a state of astonishment.
+
+"Where the devil did all this come from?" cried Cockle, getting out of
+his easy chair.  "Tell me, sir, or by--"
+
+"I tell you all, Massa Cockle:--you find me better friend dan Missy
+O'Bottom.  Now you hab plenty, and neber need scold Moonshine 'pose he
+take lilly drap.  I get all dis present to you, Massa Cockle."
+
+Feeling anxious, I pressed Moonshine to tell his story.
+
+"I tell you all, sar.  When I come back wid de two bottle I meet plenty
+men wid de tubs: dey say, `Hollo there, who be you?'  I say, `I come
+from station: bring massa two bottel, and I show um.'  Den dey say,
+`Where you massa?' and I say, `At um house at Ryde'--(den dey tink dat
+you my massa, Massa Farren)--so dey say, `Yes, we know dat, we watch him
+dere, but now you tell, so we beat you dead.'  Den I say, `What for dat;
+massa like drink, why you no gib massa some tub, and den he neber say
+noting, only make fuss some time, 'cause of Admirality.'  Den dey say,
+`You sure of dat?' and I say, `Quite sure massa neber say one word.'
+Den dey talk long while; last, dey come and say, `You come wid us and
+show massa house.'  So two men come wid me, and when dey come to gate I
+say, `Dis massa house when he live at Ryde, and dere you see massa;'--
+and I point to Massa Cockle, but dey see Massa Ferran--so dey say.  `All
+very good; tree, four hour more, you find six tub here; tell you massa
+dat every time run tub, he alway hab six;' den dey go way, den dey come
+back, leave tub; dat all, massa."
+
+"You rascal!" exclaimed I, rising up, "so you have compromised me; why I
+shall lose my commission if found out."
+
+"No, sar; nobody wrong but de smuggler; dey make a lilly mistake; case
+you brought to court-martial, I give evidence, and den I clear you."
+
+"But what must we do with the tubs, Cockle?" said I, appealing to him.
+
+"Do Bob?--why they are a present--a very welcome one, and a very
+handsome one into the bargain.  I shall not _keep_ them, I pledge you my
+word; let that satisfy you--they shall be _fairly entered_."
+
+"Upon that condition, Cockle," I replied, "I shall of course not give
+information against you."  (I knew full well what he meant by saying he
+would not _keep_ them.)
+
+"_How_ I do, Massa Cockle," said Moonshine, with a grave face; "I take
+um to the Custom-house to-night or to-morrow morning."
+
+"To-morrow, Moonshine," replied Cockle; "at present just put them out of
+sight."
+
+I did not think it prudent to make any further inquiries; but I
+afterwards discovered that the smugglers, true to their word, and still
+in error, continued to leave six tubs in old Cockle's garden whenever
+they succeeded in running a cargo, which, notwithstanding all our
+endeavours, they constantly did.  One piece of information I gained from
+this affair, I found that the numbers of the cargoes which were run
+compared to those which were seized during the remainder of the time I
+was on that station, was in the proportion of ten to one.  The cargoes
+run were calculated by the observations of old Cockle, who, when I
+called upon him, used to say very quietly, "I shouldn't wonder if they
+did not run a cargo last night, Bob, in spite of all your vigilance--was
+it very dark?"
+
+"On the contrary," replied I, looking at the demure face of the negro;
+"I suspect it was _Moonshine_."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Olla Podrida, by 
+Frederick Marryat (AKA Captain Marryat)
+
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