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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+April 5, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, April 5, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22873]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+
+
+April 5, 1916
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A SEVERE blizzard hit London last week, and Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING has
+since been heard to admit, however reluctantly, that there are other
+powers of the air.
+
+       ***
+
+After more than five weeks the bubble blown by Sir JAMES DEWAR at the
+Royal Institution on February 17th has burst. A still larger bubble,
+blown by some eminent German scientists as long ago as August, 1914, is
+said to be on the point of dissolution.
+
+       ***
+
+At one of the North London Tribunals a maker of meat pies applied for
+exemption on the ground that he had a conscientious objection to taking
+life. His application was refused, the tribunal apparently being of the
+opinion that a man who knew all about meat pies could decimate the
+German forces without striking a blow.
+
+       ***
+
+Colonel ROOSEVELT says he has found a bird that lives in a cave, eats
+nuts, barks like a dog and has whiskers; and the political wiseacres in
+Washington are asking who it can be.
+
+       ***
+
+An exciting hockey match was played on Saturday between a team of
+policemen and another composed of special constables. The policemen
+won--by a few feet.
+
+       ***
+
+For gallantry at the ovens a German master-baker has just been awarded
+the Iron Cross. This is probably intended as a sop to the Army bakers,
+who are understood to have regarded it as a slight upon their calling
+that hitherto this distinction has been largely reserved for people who
+have shown themselves to be efficient butchers.
+
+       ***
+
+At a meeting of barbers held in the City a few days ago it was
+unanimously decided to raise the price of a shave to _3d._ The reason,
+it was explained, was the high cost of living, which tempted the
+customers to eat far more soap than formerly.
+
+       ***
+
+In the Lambeth Police Court a man was convicted of stealing three
+galvanized iron roofs. His explanation that he had had the good fortune
+to win them at an auction bridge party was rejected by the Court.
+
+       ***
+
+A Mr. R. H. PEARCE, writing to _The Times_, says: "I once lived in a
+house where my neighbour (a lady) kept twelve cats." Mr. PEARCE is
+probably unique in his experience. Our own neighbours only go so far as
+to arrange for the entertainment of their cats in our garden.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIRST CASUALTY OF THE NON-COMBATANT CORPS.
+
+[Illustration: _Red Cross Man._ "What is it?"
+
+_Stretcher-bearer._ "Shock. He was digging and he cut a worm in half."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Appropriate Locale.
+
+    "Bohemian Picture Theatre, Phibsboro' To-day for Three Days
+    Only, Justus Miles Forman's Exciting Story, The Garden of Lies."
+
+    _Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VARIETIES.
+
+    "A word that is always spelled swrong.--W-r-o-n-g."--_Wellington
+    Journal._
+
+We don't believe this is true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WEAR NO MORE CLOTHES than are absolutely
+    necessary."
+
+    _Dundee Courier._
+
+Several cases of shock are reported among ladies who got no further than
+the large type lines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART IN WAR-TIME.
+
+    [_A fragmentary essay in up-to-date criticism of any modern
+    Exhibition--the R. A. excluded._]
+
+In the Central Hall the Reduplicated Pręteritists, the Tangentialists
+and the Paraphrasts are all well represented. Mr. Orguly Bolp's large
+painting, entitled "Embrocation," is an interesting experiment in the
+handling of aplanatic surfaces, in which the toxic determinants are
+harmonized by a sort of plastic _meiosis_ with syncopated rhythms. His
+other large picture, "Interior of a Dumbbell by Night," has the same
+basic idea without the appearance of it, and gives a very vital sense of
+the elimination of noumenal perceptivity. M. Paparrigopoulo, the Greek
+Paraphrast, calls one of his pictures "The Antecedent," another "The
+Relative," and a third "The Correlative," but though they are thus
+united syntactically each follows its own reticulation to a logical
+conclusion, and carries with it a spiritual sanction, not always
+coherent perhaps, but none the less satisfying. Miss Felicity
+Quackenboss's portrait of Saint Vitus is perhaps the most arresting
+contribution to the exhibition, and portrays the Saint intoxicated with
+the exuberance of his own agility. It is a very carnival of contortion.
+Mr. Widgery Pimble transcribes very searchingly the post-prandial
+lethargy of a boa-constrictor, the process of deglutition being
+indicated with great dignity and delicacy, as might be expected from so
+austere a realist. From one angle the figure might be taken for a Bengal
+tiger, and from another for a zebra--a good proof of the suggestiveness
+of the artist's method. But, whether it be reptile or quadruped, the
+spirit of repletion broods over the canvas with irresistible force. Mr.
+Thaddeus Tumulty sends some admirable drawings in _pisé de terre_, one
+of which, called "The Pragmatist at Play," is a masterpiece of
+osteological _bravura_....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dr. Solff, the German Minister for the Conolies, has left for
+    Constantinople."
+
+    _Egyptian Mail._
+
+Another injustice to Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUTHFUL JAMES
+
+ON DOCTORS.
+
+"You're not looking well," said the staff of _The Muddleton Weekly
+Gazette_ sympathetically.
+
+"No, Sir. Can't sleep, Sir. Haven't done for days till last night. I
+went off beautiful quite early, and then the new nurse come and woke me
+to give me my sleeping draught. That finished it for the night. Strange
+thing, sleep. There's no sense about it. Take Bill Hawkins now, a pal of
+mine in B Company. He was hit and took to hospital. Not serious at all.
+'Me for a rest cure,' he says. But he was in that hospital for weeks and
+weeks, getting worse and worse; he couldn't sleep a wink. The more they
+drugged him, and the more sheep he counted, the more wide-awake he was.
+The doctors got angry and called him an obstinate case. He said it
+wasn't poisons but noise he needed, so they fetched an orderly and set
+him banging one of them frying-pan baths with a ram-rod. In five minutes
+Bill falls asleep as peaceful as a lamb, and the orderly, being tired,
+stops. Up leaps Bill, wide awake as ever, asking what's wrong. Naturally
+they couldn't bang a bath for him all night every night, and the house
+surgeon was just thinking about getting ready a slab in the mortuary,
+when Bill's brother, an engine-driver, comes along. He took Bill to his
+box just outside Charing Cross station and made up a bed for him there.
+Bill slept for three days solid and was about again in a week."
+
+"Very fortunate," murmured the _Gazette_.
+
+"So that time, you see, the doctors was done. But that don't often
+happen. There was a doctor I knew out there, name of Gordon. Young
+fellow he was, too, and very keen; seemed to think the War was started
+specially to give him surgical practice, and he loved his lancets more
+than his mother. He used to welcome cases with open arms, so to speak,
+do his very best to heal 'em quick, and weep when he succeeded. Well, he
+happened to be in our trench one day, showing our Sub a new case of
+knives, when Charlie Black was carried in on a stretcher in an awful
+mess.
+
+"'I must operate at once to save your life,' he says.
+
+"Charlie smiled as best he could and said he was agreeable.
+
+"'But there's no anęsthetic here,' he says, 'and I can't do it without.
+Couldn't you do a faint for me?'
+
+"Charlie says he's sorry, but he's never practised fetching a faint at
+will, like a woman can.
+
+"'Well, then,' he says, 'you'll have to be stunned.' And he fetches a
+small sandbag and gives it to the stretcher-bearer.
+
+"'Chap here,' he explains to Charlie, 'will count up slowly, and when he
+gets to fifty he'll hit you on the head with the sandbag and knock you
+out.'
+
+"Charlie grins, and the stretcher-bearer begins to count. When he gets
+to ten he rolls up his sleeves; when he gets to twenty he takes a good
+grip of the sandbag; at thirty he rolls his eyes and sticks out his jaw;
+at forty, he lifts the bag over his shoulder and draws one foot back,
+Charlie watching him all the time. 'For-ty-six,' he says slowly, 'for-ty
+seven, for-ty-eight, for-ty-nine,' and then----"
+
+"You're not going to tell me that he really----"
+
+"No, he didn't," said Truthful James. "Charlie fainted."
+
+"That was their intention, I presume?"
+
+"Your presumption is correct, Sir. The doctor finished the job before
+Charlie come to again. Smart, wasn't it?"
+
+"Very smart indeed."
+
+"But that's nothing. Nothing at all to what he could do. He once cut a
+fellow open, took out his liver, extracted twenty-three shrapnel bullets
+from it, bounced it on the floor to see it was all right, and put it
+back, all inside of three minutes. And the fellow what owns the liver
+hasn't had a to-morrow morning head-ache once since."
+
+"He must be a very clever doctor," suggested the other, to fill in a
+pause.
+
+"Talking of doctors," James went on, "reminds me of a man I saw out
+there who wasn't a doctor, leastways not one of ours. We was in the
+fire-trenches one night when a voice hails us from the other side of the
+entanglements. After the usual questions we brings him over the parapet,
+and he explains to our Sub that he's been in front attending to some
+wounded men in a listening post what was blown up. All perfectly correct
+and proper; gives his name and rank, too, and is wearing an R.A.M.C.
+uniform--rank, Captain. As he passes me on his way to the Sub's dug-out
+I happens to catch sight of his face, and it give me quite a shock. I
+was took ill immediate. I manages to stagger to the dug-out, and I
+mutters hoarsely, 'Sir, I'm sick. I think I'm going to die.'
+
+"'Sick?' says the Sub. 'You don't look sick.'
+
+"'I'm sorry, Sir,' I says.
+
+"'Well,' says he, turning to the other man, 'the Captain here will soon
+put you right.'
+
+"'Certainly,' says the Doc very sharp. 'Where do you feel pain--stomach,
+heart, head?'
+
+"'No, Sir,' says I, 'I got a nawful pain in me inn'erds.'
+
+"'What did you say?' he asks.
+
+"'In me inn'erds, Sir,' I says, 'spreading from me gizzard to me
+probossis,' them being the only out-of-the-way words I could think of
+off-hand.
+
+"'H'm,' says he, pretending to understand perfectly, 'it is probably
+nothing serious. You must diet yourself; take nothing but light food
+and----'
+
+"Here the Sub interrupts him, thinking there's something mighty queer
+about a doctor what is so ready to prescribe diet for a probossis, and
+asks him a lot more questions. Of course the beer was in the sawdust
+then, and very soon a guard was called up to take our German Captain
+Doctor Spy away to a safe place.
+
+"It was lucky I knew his face. Before perfidjus Albion forced this war
+on the poor KAYSER I'd seen him often in London. He was boss of a firm
+above the place where I worked, and he used to order his Huns about in
+their own language, and chuck his empty lager bottles out of his window
+into our yard. I'm glad I got my own back for that."
+
+"Jim," cried an orderly, "you're wanted for your dressing."
+
+James rose languidly. "That means na-poo, then, Sir," he said.
+
+"Na-poo?" echoed the _Gazette_.
+
+"Where's your learning, Sir?" asked James. "That's French for 'no
+more.'"
+
+"I hope your dressing will not be painful," ventured the other.
+
+"How would you like to have a probe rammed through your hand twice a
+day?" demanded James with a smile. "But it's all part of the game.
+Comforts for Tommy. Everyone has their own way of making us happy, not
+forgetting the dear lady what sent us three hundred little lavender
+bags, with pretty little bows on them, all sewn by herself, to keep our
+linen sweetly perfumed. It's nice to think that they all mean well, and
+I always follow the advice of the auctioneer what was trying to pass off
+a plated teapot as solid silver."
+
+"What did he say?"
+
+"Look at the bright side," answered James over his shoulder as he
+hurried away. "O reevwaw, Sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the night of February 29th ten thousand women marched
+    through Unter Den London crying 'bread' and 'peace.'"
+
+    _Daily Gleaner_ (_Kingston, Jamaica._)
+
+We missed them in the Tube.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WAIT AND SEE."
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Asquith. "WELL, AS WE SAY IN HOME, I HAVE BEEN, I
+HAVE SEEN----"
+
+Mr. Punch. "THEN YOU NEEDN'T WAIT ANY MORE, SIR; ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS
+TO GO IN AND CONQUER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PULLING OF PERCY'S LEG.
+
+It was one of those calm quarters of an hour which sometimes happen even
+in a Y.M.C.A. canteen. Private Penny, leaning over the counter, consumed
+coffee and buns and bestowed spasmodic confidences upon me as I cut up
+cake into the regulation slices.
+
+"Oxo and biscuits, please," broke in a languid voice suddenly, and a
+pale young man with an armlet approached the counter. I turned away for
+the cup, and Private Penny, laying down his mug, addressed the newcomer.
+
+"Who are you?" he inquired genially.
+
+The young man surveyed him with cold superiority; then he turned to me.
+
+"I'm a DERBY man, you see," he began complacently. "A lot of pals'll be
+here presently, and we're all going to join this afternoon. They're
+late."
+
+"And what," I asked with resentment, for Private Penny was a friend of
+mine, "are you going to join?"
+
+It appeared that this superior person, after unprejudiced consideration
+of the matter, had decided to join the A.S.C. He said he considered he
+would be of most use in the A.S.C.; he said he was specially designed
+and constructed by Providence for the A.S.C.; he said....
+
+And then suddenly we became aware that Private Penny was mourning gently
+to himself over a dough-nut.
+
+"Pore chap!" he was muttering, "pore young feller--'e don't know. None
+of 'em knows till it's too late, and then they finds their mistake. No
+good to tell 'em--pore chap, pore chap--so pleased over it, too!"
+
+"What's that you're saying?" the youth cut in anxiously.
+
+"Young man," said Private Penny very solemnly, "if you'd take my
+advice--the advice of one that's served his country twelve months at the
+Front--you'd let the Army Service Corps alone. Not that I'm doubting
+you're a plucky young feller enough, but you ain't up to that. It's
+_nerve_ you want for it. Well, I wouldn't take it on myself, and I'm
+pretty well seasoned. Why, you 'ave to go calmly into the mouth of 'ell
+with supplies, over the open ground, when the Infantry's safe and snug
+in the trenches. You ain't strong enough for it--reely you ain't."
+
+"Er--" hesitated the young man.
+
+"Well, I _had_ thought of the R.A.M.C. Mother's idea was----"
+
+Private Penny groaned. "You know," he said with emotion, "I've took a
+kind of fancy to you, Percy. And if it's me dying breath I
+says--_don't!_ That kind of work ain't right nor proper for the likes of
+you. Why, you 'ave to go out in the field there (and you ain't even
+armed, nor protected, mind you!) and you 'ave to see the most _orrerble_
+sights! Can't I tell by yer face, can't I see with me understanding eyes
+that you're the sort that would go mad in no time if you 'ad some o'
+them things to do? If it's me last word----" Emotion choked him.
+
+Percy looked wildly around. "There's the Artillery," he gasped, "if
+that's your advice."
+
+Private Penny burst into a sob of uncontrollable anguish. "Percy," he
+moaned, "if you want to break me heart, that's the way to do it! _Say_
+I've advised you to that, if you like, but it ain't true. With all me
+soul I says--_don't_ do it. Think, dear boy, think. Kinsider the
+_guns!_--the noise--the smoke--the smell--the bursting shells all
+round--the mad horses and mules everywhere. If you 'ave any affection
+for me in your 'eart, Percival, leave the guns alone! If you can't
+control your courage for my sake--your fool'ardiness, Percy!--think of
+all your dear ones at 'ome and turn back before it is too late!"
+
+Percy shuddered. "I might try the Engineers," he said hopelessly, "but
+I don't----"
+
+"If," said Private Penny in the still tones of despair, "_I_ have druv
+you to this, I shall cut me throat. I can't live with that on me
+conscience. 'Ave you thought of the danger of mining and sapping? 'Ave
+you kinsidered field telegrafts? 'Ave you--'ot-'eaded and impulsive as
+you are--'ave you kinsidered _anything_? Percy, if you're set on this
+job, tell me quick, and put me out of me agony!"
+
+"No," said Percy abruptly. "But"--with sudden misgiving--"w-what can I
+do? I'm on my way to join and I must join _something_."
+
+Private Penny pushed his mug over to be re-filled. "I'm an infantryman
+myself," he said carelessly, "and I speaks as one that knows. And wot I
+says is--if you wants a cheerful protected kinder life, with a quiet
+'ole to 'ide yer 'ead in--if you wants rest and comfort, kimbined with
+plenty o' fresh air--if you wants to serve yer King and country without
+any danger to yer 'ealth, then the infantry's the life for you, and the
+trenches is the place to spend it in. Ain't I been out there one solid
+year, and no 'arm 'appened to me yet? It's child's play, that it is,
+sitting there in a 'ole, with big guns booming over you protective-like
+from be'ind and killing all the enemy in front for you. And yer food and
+yer love-letters brought to you regular, and doctors and parsons to see
+you whenever you feels queer. Take my advice, Percy my son--join the
+Infantry at once and make sure of a gentleman's life. I've took a fancy
+to you, and I tells you straight." And he eclipsed himself behind his
+replenished mug.
+
+"Thank you very much," said Percy gratefully, "I can see that the
+Infantry is the place for me. I shall insist upon joining it. Thank you
+_very_ much for all your advice----"
+
+At this moment a great wave of khaki burst into the room and swept to
+the counter, clamouring for attention. On the crest of it came Percy's
+friends in mufti, and once, across the tumult, his voice reached my
+ears. "... quite decided...." he was saying loftily, "some infantry
+regiment or other just seems...." and he was jostled away in the centre
+of an admiring group.
+
+Involuntarily I looked across at Private Penny.
+
+One eye met mine from behind an upturned mug, and the lid fell and rose
+again, once, rapidly; he too had heard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Council of War in the Desert.
+
+    "British Officers are here seen holding a 'bow-wow.'"--_Western
+    Weekly News._
+
+Very natural. In the desert most days are "dog-days."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_on a round of inspection, during prolonged
+pause in manoeuvres_). "And what is the disposition of your men,
+Sergeant?"
+
+_Sergeant._ "Fed-up, Sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEUTRAL NEWSMONGER.
+
+  Who cheers us when we're in the blues
+  With reassuring German news
+  Of starving Berliners in queues?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  And then, soon after, tells us they
+  Are feeding nicely all the day
+  Just in the old familiar way?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Who sees the KAISER in Berlin
+  Dejected, haggard, old as sin,
+  And shaking in his hoary skin?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Then says he's quite a Sunny Jim,
+  That buoyant health and youthful vim
+  Are sticking out all over him?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Who tells us tales of KRUPP'S new guns
+  Much larger than the other ones,
+  And endless trains chockful of Huns?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  And then, when our last hope has fled,
+  Declares the Huns are either dead
+  Or hopelessly dispirited?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  In short, who seems to be a blend
+  Of Balaam's Ass, the bore's godsend
+  And _Mrs. Gamp's_ elusive friend?
+      The Neutral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Humiliation of Jones, who hitherto has been accustomed to
+drop off unaided].
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO MANAGERS.
+
+A new and very popular addition to the comic opera, _Tina_, at the
+Adelphi, is a stage representation of "Eve," the writer of "The Letters
+of Eve" in _The Tatler_, together with her retinue and her dog.
+
+Here we see Journalism and the Drama more than ever mutually dependent,
+and the developments of the idea might be numberless. _Lord Times_, in
+_A Kiss for Cinderella_, already illustrates one of them; but why not a
+complete play, with favourite newspaper contributors as the _dramatis
+personę_? or a revue, to be called, say, _The Tenth Muse_, or _Hullo,
+Inky_!
+
+Or, if not a whole play or revue, a scene could be arranged in which the
+great scribes processed past. One group might consist of Carmelite
+Friars, with "Quex" and "The Rambler," each with a luncheon host on one
+arm and a musical-comedy actress on the other; "An Englishman," with his
+scourge of knotted cords, on his eternal but honourable quest for a
+malefactor; and "Robin Goodfellow," still, in spite of war and official
+requests for economy, pointing to the glories of the race-course and
+pathetically endeavouring to find winners. These would make an
+impressive company--with a good song and dance to finish up with.
+
+_The Referee's_ contribution would obviously be too easy; it would
+simply be like a revival of _King Arthur_. The audience, however, would
+be in luck when "Dagonet" got really warmed up to tell yet once more the
+thrilling story of how he met HENRY PETTITT in the brave days of old.
+
+A whiff of _The Three Musketeers_ would exhilarate the house at the
+entry of "Chicot," the Jester of _The Sketch_; while finally we might
+look for an excellent effect from "Claudius Clear" and "A Man of Kent,"
+of _The British Weekly_, masquerading as the Heavenly Twins.
+
+These notes merely, of course, touch the fringe of a vast subject. Many
+other holders of famous _noms de guerre_ remain, such as "Mr. Gossip"
+and "Mrs. Gossip," and "Captain Coe" and "A Playful Stallite," and
+"Historicus" and "Atlas" and "Scrutator" and "Alpha of the Plough"; but
+only "Eve" has had the wit to include pictures of herself in every
+article; therefore only "Eve" can be instantly recognised. These others,
+if they wish to be equally successful on the stage (and it is certain
+they would like to be), must have always a portrait too. The Heavenly
+Twins might like to use one, by Mr. WELLS, which already exists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOVE.
+
+I was at first inclined to look upon this dove as being largely
+symbolical. So far as I could gather it had never been here before--at
+any rate no one could be found who had seen it here or in the
+neighbourhood, and it seemed obvious that its sudden emergence, as it
+were, out of nothing must have some high and dove-like signification.
+
+Probably before the end of the week the KAISER would sue for peace and
+swallow Mr. ASQUITH'S formula. Since then, however, Verdun has happened
+and VON TIRPITZ has gone, and nobody seems in the least disposed to stop
+the crash of arms. That being so, and the dove being still with us, I am
+forced, in spite of myself, to look upon it as an entirely real bird and
+to keep on wondering what strange freak brought it to us and made it an
+honoured member of this household.
+
+It arrived about ten weeks ago quite unexpectedly and suddenly. One
+morning there was no dove; on the following morning, having fluttered
+hither from I know not what remote and solitary region, it had perched
+on the branch of a poplar set close to the house. There it remained
+while we breakfasted, and from that point of vantage it broke out into a
+long series of loud and melodious cooings that sounded like nothing so
+much as a gurgling stream of benedictions poured out over the house and
+those who dwelt in it by one who plainly proposed to be a grateful
+though not a paying guest. It was wonderful to hear it.
+
+From the branch this persistent and pleasing bird shortly removed itself
+to the window-sill of one of the bedrooms, and into this room, when
+breakfast was over, the children trooped. The dove was pecking eagerly
+at the window-pane. "Let's open the window for it," said one of the
+girls, "and see what happens." Very gently, then, the window was opened,
+and what immediately happened was that, without the least sign of alarm,
+nay rather with the air of one repeating a customary action, the dove
+walked in, took a short flight, and settled on the toilet-table. There
+it caught sight of its soft grey reflection in the looking-glass and at
+once began to parade up and down before it, swelling itself out and
+bobbing its head in evident admiration of the beautiful being so
+fortunately offered to its view. Soon it attempted to approach this
+vision, but was surprised to find itself foiled by the cold impermeable
+surface of the glass. Puzzled, but not, I think, definitely hopeless--it
+performs the same antics in one or other of the bedrooms every day--it
+left the toilet-table, circled round the room and perched confidingly on
+the shoulder of one of the little girls who were admiring it, and began
+once more to coo in a very ecstasy of enjoyment.
+
+Later on, food was provided for it, which it pecked up without the least
+shyness. Since then it has established itself on a very firm clawing, if
+I may use the term, as a necessary inmate of the house. Fluttering
+through the passages it follows the maids from room to room in the
+morning and shows the most lively interest in their work while beds are
+being made or tables dusted. It has the most perfect trustfulness, not
+merely allowing itself to be handled, but coming to perch on a wrist or
+shoulder as if it had belonged there from, time immemorial. It really is
+a pretty thing to have about the house, an embodiment of gentleness and
+kindness, and, so far as a mere human being can judge, of an almost
+dog-like gratitude and affection. I have seen a bullfinch swell up in a
+passionate agitation of love when from its cage it beheld its dear
+mistress enter the room, but it had never occurred to me before this to
+attribute such a feeling to a dove. I ought, I suppose, to have known
+better, as I now do. At this very moment it is cooing away like mad at
+its declaration of undying love from its favourite haunt on the
+mantelpiece of one of the bedrooms.
+
+But it has another utterance which it employs at rare intervals. This is
+a sort of high-pitched laugh thoroughly unsuited to its softness, a most
+cynical and derisive sound which in so kind a beak seems to have neither
+meaning nor purpose. But I overlook its rare laugh in consideration of
+the cooing with which it blesses us and the general friendship which it
+has vowed to this house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECALLED.
+
+[Illustration: The second great sale on behalf of the wounded will be
+held at Christie's (8 King Street, St. James' Square) from the 6th to
+the 19th of April, and from the 26th to the 28th. The entire
+proceeds--no charge for their services being made by Messrs. Christie,
+Manson & Woods--will be handed over to the British Red Cross Society and
+the Order of the Hospital of St. John of Jerusalem. The exhibits are
+still on view to-day (April 5th).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Husband._ "Darlint, 'tis yer own Michael that's come
+home to yez!"
+
+_Wife._ "Sure, Mike, ye're not afther thrying anny of thim personating
+thricks on me, are yez?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOBBERY PACK.
+
+  Andy Hartigan's dead and gone
+    Over the hills and further yet,
+  But he drank good port and his red face shone
+    Like a cider apple of Somerset.
+
+  Ten strange couples o' hounds he had
+    (Gaunt old brutes that had hunted fox
+  Back in the days when NOAH was a lad),
+    Touched in the bellows and gone at the hocks--
+
+  Hounds he'd stole from a Harrier pack,
+    Hounds he'd borrowed an' begged an' found,
+  Grey an' yellow an' tan an' black,
+    Every conceivable kind o' hound.
+
+  He called them "harriers," and a few
+    _Were_ harriers--back when the world began--
+  But they weren't particular where they drew
+    An' they weren't particular what they ran.
+
+  I mind him once of a bygone morn
+    Ruddy an' round on his flea-bit horse,
+  Twangin' a note on his battered horn
+    An' cappin' them into the Frenchman gorse.
+
+  They pushed a brown hare out of her form
+    An' swung on her line with a crash of tongues;
+  But a vixen crossed an' her scent was warm,
+    So they ran her, screechin' to burst their lungs.
+
+  They ran her into my lord's demesne,
+    Where my lady's fallows were grazing free;
+  They picked a stag and followed again,
+    Singing like souls in ecstasy.
+
+  They chased the stag up over the ridge
+    With lolling tongues an' with heaving flanks;
+  They lost him down by the Cluddlah bridge,
+    But killed an otter on Cluddlah's banks.
+
+  They had no shape an' they had no style;
+    Their manners were bad an' their morals slack;
+  They were noisy, but wonderful versatile,
+    Andy Hartigan's bobbery pack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+High (Explosive) Finance.
+
+    "The issuing of premium bombs, whilst not, strictly speaking, a
+    lottery or gamble, would give such people what they ask for, and
+    that is a chance to get something unusual and tempting."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+Unusual, certainly; but tempting?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A War-Menu.
+
+    "GIRLS experienced Wanted to feed on Wharfdale machines."
+
+    _Nottingham Evening Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BROADWOODWIDGER.--A new pipe organ has been installed at the
+    parish church. A recital was given by the Rev. C. B. Walters, of
+    Stokeclimsland, while a sermon was preached by the Rev. Canon
+    Lewis, of Launceston."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The Broadwoodwidger example deserves imitation. Some sermons would be
+much more tolerable if they had a musical accompaniment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A mere automatic raising of the Income Tax strikes
+    indiscriminately at the just and the unjust; it is just as
+    likely to cripple the man who is supporting and educating a
+    large family sybarite."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+And a very good thing too. For ourselves, we have always discouraged the
+growth of these bulky profligates in the domestic circle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_meeting small acquaintance_). "Hullo, Ethel, so
+you've started one of those things?"
+
+_Ethel._ "Yes, we're all having to come to them. Rather a drop-down
+after the Rolls-Royce, but--war-time, you know."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YELLOW PRESSURE.
+
+"Rather a funny thing happened the other day," she remarked.
+
+"Yes?" I replied languidly.
+
+"About you."
+
+"Oh!" I said with animation. "Do tell me."
+
+"It was at lunch," she explained, "at Duke's. The people at the next
+table were talking about you. I couldn't help hearing a little. A man
+there said he had met you in Shanghai."
+
+"Not really!" I exclaimed.
+
+"Yes. He met you in Shanghai."
+
+"That's frightfully interesting," I said. "What did he say about me?"
+
+"That's what I couldn't hear," she replied. "You see I had to pay some
+attention to my own crowd. I only caught the word 'delightful.'"
+
+Ever since she told me this. I have been turning it over in my mind; and
+it is particularly vexing not to know more. "Delightful" can be such
+jargon and mean nothing--or, at any rate, nothing more than amiability.
+Still, that is something, for one is not always amiable, even when
+meeting strangers. On the other hand it might be, from this man, the
+highest praise.
+
+The whole thing naturally leads to thought, because I have never been
+farther east than Athens in my life.
+
+Yet here is a man who met me in Shanghai. What does it mean? Can we
+possibly visit other cities in our sleep? Has each of us an _alter ego_,
+who can really behave, elsewhere?
+
+Whether we have or not, I know that this information about my Shanghai
+double is going to be a great nuisance to me. It is going to change my
+character. In fact it has already begun to do so. Let me give you an
+example.
+
+Only yesterday I was about to be very angry with a telegraph boy who
+brought back a telegram I had despatched about two hours earlier, saying
+that it could not be delivered because it was insufficiently addressed.
+Obviously it was not the boy's fault, for he belonged to our country
+post-office and the telegram had been sent to London and was returned
+from there; and yet I started to abuse that boy as though he were not
+only the POSTMASTER-GENERAL himself but the inventor of red-tape into
+the bargain. And all for a piece of carelessness of my own.
+
+And then suddenly I remembered Shanghai and how delightful I was there.
+And I shut up instantly and apologised and rewrote the message and gave
+the boy a shilling for himself. If one could be delightful in Shanghai
+one must be delightful at home too.
+
+And so it is going to be. There is very little fun for me in the future,
+and all because of that nice-mannered man in Shanghai whom I must not
+disgrace. For it would be horrible if one day a lady told him that she
+had overheard someone who had met him in London and found him to be a
+bear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HERRICK TO JULIA.
+
+(_War Edition_).
+
+  When as in silks my Julia goes
+  Then, then (methinks) how wanton shows
+  That efflorescence of her clothes.
+
+  But when I cast mine eyes and see
+  Her drest for decent industry,
+  Oh, how that plainness taketh me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR TRAITORS.
+
+[Illustration: A WARNING TO PROMOTERS OF STRIKES IN WAR-TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, March 28th._--Sir EDWARD CARSON was back on the Front
+Opposition Bench to-day, so much the better for his recent rest-cure
+that he is credited with the desire to prescribe similar treatment for
+other jaded politicians. Three of the potential patients--the PRIME
+MINISTER, the FOREIGN SECRETARY and the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS--have
+anticipated his kindly suggestion by going for a little trip on the
+Seine, and are making arrangements with their Continental friends for
+another on the Spree at a later date.
+
+[Illustration: REST CURES.
+
+Sir Edward Carson, M.D., anxious to prescribe.]
+
+Before his departure Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, ever thoughtful for the welfare
+of others, arranged with the Military authorities to give a change of
+scene to six members of the Clyde Workers' Committee, who have been
+recently over-straining their vocal chords. This was the impression I
+got from Dr. ADDISON, who, like his great namesake, is a master of the
+bland style; but Sir EDWARD CARSON thrust aside official euphemism and
+bluntly inquired whether these men were not in fact assisting the KING'S
+enemies, and ought not to be indicted for high treason.
+
+The suppression of a number of _Sinn Fein_ papers in Ireland stimulated
+Mr. GINNELL to the concoction of a Question about as long as a leading
+article. To ensure a reply he addressed it simultaneously to the UNDER
+SECRETARY FOR WAR and the CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND. In spite of this
+precaution he was disappointed, for, owing to the storm, Mr. BIRRELL had
+not received the necessary information from Ireland, while Mr. TENNANT,
+no doubt for the same reason, had not even received the Question. Mr.
+GINNELL is now convinced that the official conspiracy against him has
+been joined by the Clerk of the Weather.
+
+I shall hardly be surprised if the next time I walk down Whitehall I
+find sandwichmen out with their boards inscribed--
+
+  Westminster Aerodrome.
+  Flying every Tuesday.
+  Billing Breaks all Records.
+
+The new Member for East Herts has displayed unprecedented dexterity in
+catching the SPEAKER'S eye. In three weeks he has already spoken more
+columns of _Hansard_ than many Members fill during a long Parliamentary
+career. His speech to-day consisted almost entirely of a catalogue of
+fatal accidents to aviators, due, he declared, to the faulty engines and
+machines supplied to them by the Government--"though within twenty miles
+of here we have a far better machine than the _Fokker_."
+
+Previous to this we had listened to a bright and diverting dialogue
+between Mr. DUDLEY WARD, representing the Anti-Aircraft Service, and Mr.
+JOYNSON-HICKS, briefed by the Municipal authorities, on the question of
+what happened at Ramsgate during the last raid. As they differed _in
+toto_ on every detail the House was not much the wiser for the
+discussion, but it was consoled by Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS' remark that "if
+the MAYOR and TOWN CLERK have lied to me no one will be more pleased
+than myself."
+
+Members were much more impressed by the obvious sincerity and occasional
+eloquence of the appeal on behalf of the East Coast towns made by Sir A.
+GELDER. His indignation at the trick played on one place by the Military
+authorities, who tried to allay public anxiety by mounting a dummy gun,
+was shared by the House.
+
+Mr. TENNANT did not attempt to deny or palliate this imposture, but he
+made a fairly adequate reply to other counts of the indictment, and
+promised a judicial inquiry into the casualties enumerated by Mr.
+BILLING. The revelation that he himself has a son in the Flying Corps
+was perhaps the most effective point in a speech which did not wholly
+remove the impression that the Government has its head in the air rather
+than its heart.
+
+_Wednesday, March 29th._--There are more ways than one of getting into
+the House of Commons. Mr. PERCY HARRIS, the new Member for the Market
+Harborough division, who took his seat to-day, arrived by the
+old-fashioned route of a contested election. He was just about to shake
+hands with the SPEAKER when a khaki-clad stranger took a short cut from
+the Gallery and reached the floor _per saltum_. Not only so, but before
+he could be arrested this Messenger from Mars succeeded in delivering
+his maiden speech, to the effect that British soldiers' heads should be
+protected against shrapnel-fire. The SERJEANT-AT-ARMS, who had had a
+narrow escape, goes further, holding the view that his own head should
+be protected from acrobatic British soldiers.
+
+To-day Mr. LONG had the difficult task of convincing the House that the
+married men had no grievance, and that the Government were doing their
+best to remove it. Only a man who has fought with bulls in Ireland could
+hope to tackle such a paradox. Mr. LONG, having enjoyed that experience,
+was fairly successful.
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON, who had been expected by some people to initiate a
+raging "Down-the-Government" agitation, was comparatively mild, and,
+admitting that his late colleagues had done something, chiefly blamed
+them for not having done it earlier. Still he made it plain that in his
+view compulsion all round was inevitable if Prussianism was to be
+crushed. Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITH agreed with him. The Government ought not to
+bargain with the public; it ought to give them a clear and definite
+command. Such sentiments, proceeding from one who still claimed to
+belong to the Liberal Party, shocked Sir WILLIAM BYLES. Maintaining that
+those who had voted against the Military Service Bill were the truest
+friends of the PRIME MINISTER, he promised again to give him his
+invaluable support "if he would only lead us to our accustomed pasture."
+There is no justification, however, for the theory that the worthy
+knight is a candidate for the Order of the Thistle.
+
+_Thursday, March 30th._--In the Lords to-day Viscount TEMPLETOWN moved
+that London should be declared a prohibited area, with a view to
+removing the eight or nine thousand Germans still carrying on business
+there. His argument was a little difficult to follow, for it included a
+complaint that in Eastbourne, which is a prohibited area, a number of
+aliens are residing in comfort and affluence. The Marquis of LANSDOWNE,
+usually so logical, on this occasion answered inconsequence by
+inconsequence. In one breath he asserted that to declare the whole of
+the Metropolis a prohibited area would throw too much work on the
+police; and in the next that it would have the effect of driving away
+large numbers of aliens to places not so well policed as London is.
+Lord BERESFORD caught the infection. In the course of a long question
+designed to clear General TOWNSHEND of the responsibility for the
+advance upon Bagdad, he remarked with startling irrelevance that if his
+(Lord BERESFORD's) advice had been taken by the PRIME MINISTER the
+_Lusitania_ would still be afloat and we should have lost no battleships
+in the Dardanelles. He did not appear to attach undue importance to this
+claim, and Lord ISLINGTON, who replied for the Government, did not think
+it necessary to make any reference to it, but contented himself with
+stating that the Bagdad advance was authorised on the advice of General
+NIXON and the Indian Government, and professing official ignorance of
+any representations on the part of General TOWNSHEND.
+
+In the Commons the trouble on the Clyde was the _pičce de résistance_.
+At Question time Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, fresh from the Paris Conference, had
+to deal with a number of inquiries put by the little group of Scottish
+malcontents whose notion of patriotism is to embarrass the Government on
+each and every occasion. Mr. HOGGE wanted to know when the MINISTER OF
+MUNITIONS was going to give the other side of the case--"the German
+side," as an interrupter pertinently put it; and Mr. PRINGLE intimated
+that a settlement could have been reached but for the unreasonableness
+of the Government.
+
+This gave Dr. ADDISON, usually the mildest-mannered man that ever lanced
+a gumboil, an opportunity of administering to big accuser a much-needed
+lesson in deportment. The hon. Member had first forced himself, without
+invitation, into a private conversation in the Minister's room, and had
+then given a totally misleading account of what took place. He had made
+himself the spokesman of a body which had displayed "a treacherous
+disregard of the highest national interests."
+
+Mr. PRINGLE was as much surprised as if he had been bitten by a rabbit,
+and wound up an unconvincing defence of himself with the remark that he
+would rather keep silence than say anything to exacerbate feeling. It is
+a pity that his friend Mr. HOGGE did not imitate this wise if rather
+tardy reticence. He gave Mr. LLOYD GEORGE the lie when he was describing
+how the disputes had interfered with the supply of guns urgently needed
+by the Army, and provoked the retort that, instead of encouraging the
+strikers by unfounded suggestions, he would be better employed if "with
+what credit is left to him" he went down to the Clyde and tried to get
+them to work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "Good gracious! The Brown-Smiths!! I thought they
+were so poor."
+
+_He._ "Yes. But, you see, he's been supplying the Government with shells
+for quite a fortnight!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LETTER TO THE FRONT.
+
+"Kin yer write a letter?"
+
+"More or less," I said. I did not rate myself with Madame DE STAĖL nor
+with EDWARD FITZGERALD, but I forebore to mention these names because I
+thought that they would not be familiar to my questioner. If you happen
+to know Paradise Rents, Fulham, you will realise that neither Madame DE
+STAĖL, nor FITZGERALD is much read there. Moreover, the type that
+addressed me had not the aspect of a literary man.
+
+He was a man of some seven years, maybe, in company with a younger man,
+perhaps of five. He was hatless, coatless, waistcoatless, but he had a
+pair of trousers, short in the leg, precariously held by one brace. That
+is the fashion in Paradise Rents. I had come upon these two young men
+about Fulham as they were staring with absorbed interest into the
+undertaker's shop advantageously situated for custom at the corner of
+the Rents and the main street. Certainly it was a pleasant window.
+Besides the legends and texts, the artificial wreaths and the pictures
+of tombs and tombstones, there was a number of model coffins in
+miniature. It was these that had fascinated the attention of the two
+young men.
+
+"I should like one o' them to ply with," said the elder covetously.
+
+"What would yer do with it, Bill?" the younger asked.
+
+"I'd put the old KAYSER in it, along wi' Farver."
+
+It is rude to laugh at other people's conversation, particularly if you
+have not been introduced to them, but I caught myself in an audible
+chuckle over this fine blend of patriotic and filial sentiment. Then I
+pulled myself but not in time; I had been detected.
+
+If you wish to know what it is to be stared at, you should interrupt, as
+I had, a conversation between two young men of about this age in Fulham
+or elsewhere. They stared in unison and in silence until the tension
+became unbearable, and one of them, the elder, whose name was Bill,
+relieved it with the above quest on, "Kin yer write a letter?"
+
+Perhaps my answer was a little modest. He regarded me doubtfully, then
+asked--
+
+"'Ow soon kin yer write a letter?"
+
+"You mean, how long does it take me to write a letter?"
+
+He nodded his head vehemently.
+
+"Well," I began, "it rather depends, you know, on what there is to say."
+I saw dissatisfaction cloud his face, and hastened to add, "Oh, well,
+about ten minutes."
+
+At that his expression cleared to astonishment. Passing that emotion, it
+went to incredulity. It was a beautifully legible face, though
+everything but clean. He made up his mind.
+
+"Will yer come," he asked, "and write a letter for my granmother?"
+
+We were on the heels of adventure now; no one could say what new country
+this might lead to.
+
+"Where does she live?" I asked.
+
+"Just round the corner, two doors from my Great-aunt Maria's," he said,
+astonished that I should not know,
+
+"Lead on," I said, concealing my ignorance of the residence of
+great-aunt Maria.
+
+He took me by the hand, which I could not in courtesy decline, and led
+me down Paradise Rents.
+
+As a rule, in Paradise Rents, front doors stand open to the street, but
+the door of Number 5, the abode of Bill's grandmother, was shut. On
+tip-toe and with a strenuous effort Bill reached the latch. The door
+opened and Bill shouted through it, by way of introduction:--
+
+"She says she kin write a letter in ten minutes."
+
+The person addressed, whom I understood to be the grandmother, was
+engaged in scrubbing with a duster a deal table already clean enough to
+make Bill's face much ashamed of itself. She was a large heavy old
+woman, with a round colourless visage that suggested the full moon by
+daylight, and wispy grey locks like a nimbus about it.
+
+"Lor bless the child, Mum!" she exclaimed. "Bill, whatever d'yer mean by
+it?"
+
+"Says she kin write a letter in ten minutes," Bill repeated, with the
+emphasis of grave doubt on the "says."
+
+"Bless the child, Mum! I don't know whatever 'e's been saying. It's
+truth as I did say as I wished I 'ad someone as could write a letter for
+me to my son Frank, it being 'is birthday Tuesday and 'im out at the
+Front. But there, it's not to say, as I can't write a letter myself if
+I'm so minded, but I'm no great scholard and it do take me a long time
+to finish--each day a word or two. About a week it take me to write a
+letter, such a letter as I'd wish to write to Frank out at the Front,
+for 'is birthday, to cheer 'im up."
+
+"Frank's Bill's father, I suppose?" I said, by way of filling an
+asthmatic pause.
+
+"Lor bless yer, no, Mum. Bill's father wouldn't never go into no more
+danger than what 'e'd find at the Red Lion. Married my pore daughter 'e
+did, as died--a mercy for 'er, pore thing! That's 'ow it is Bill's
+living along o' me."
+
+"I see," I said. "Well, now--about the letter?"
+
+A space more liberal than the operation strictly needed was cleared for
+me on the polished deal table; a penny ink-bottle and a pen with a rusty
+but still useful nib set upon it, and from a special drawer, with a
+solemnity that of the character of sacred ritual, Mrs. Watt, as Bill's
+grandmother informed me she was called, drew forth a single sheet of
+notepaper. Its dimensions had been heavily curtailed by the deepest
+border of mourning black that I ever had seen on English writing-paper.
+Other nations surpass us in this evidence of respect, but Mrs. Watt's
+paper was calculated to raise the national standard.
+
+"Isn't this," I said, "rather--I mean is it quite suited for a birthday
+letter, to cheer up Frank in the trenches?"
+
+Mrs. Watt took the suggestion in quite good part, but gave it a decided
+negative.
+
+"'E would wish respect showed to 'is Aunt Maria, as died Wednesday was a
+fortnight. You might tell 'im that, if you please, Mum."
+
+I started off, as bidden, with this mournful communication, under the
+eye, at first severely critical, then frankly admiring, of Bill's
+grandmother.
+
+"Lor," she exclaimed, "you be one to write the words quick!"
+
+"What shall we say now?" I asked brightly.
+
+"Wednesday was a fortnight as she died, sister Maria did, that's Frank's
+aunt, and was buried a Saturday--what's too soon, as you'd say, but no
+disrespect meant, the undertaker arranging first for the Monday--only
+'aving a bigger job, with 'orses and plumes, give'im for the Monday, and
+so putting my pore sister forward to the Saturday. 'Ave you got that
+down, Mum?"
+
+"Oh," I said, scribbling briskly, "am I to write all that?" It occupied,
+even with much compression, space far into the second side of the
+restricted paper.
+
+"An' my only relative surviving," she resumed, "being brother George, as
+is eighty-two, and crotchety at that, lives out 'Oxton way, so I wrote
+to him about the funeral for a Monday, and when the undertaker puts it
+forward to the Saturday I didn't have no one to send all that way, so
+brother George--'e's eighty-two, and crotchety at that--'e didn't get no
+notice for the funeral on Saturday at all, so o' course 'e didn't come.
+You'll make all that clear to Frank, won't you, Mum?"
+
+I scribbled hard again, and said I was doing my best.
+
+"So brother George being crotchety, as I said, Mum, 'e sent me word as
+'e wouldn't never speak to me again in this world, and 'e didn't know as
+ever 'e would in the world to come--I'd like you to put that all in,
+please, Mum, so's to let Frank know 'ow it all is. Now, do you suppose,
+Mum, if I was to die, as brother George'd come to my funeral?"
+
+I hardly knew what answer to make after the "cut everlasting" with which
+George had threatened his sister, but I had an idea that I was beginning
+to understand Mrs. Watt's tastes. "Well," I said weakly, "I don't
+know--funerals are very pleasant things."
+
+It was the right note and Mrs. Watt took it up keenly. "That's what I
+always says, Mum," she said eagerly. "I'd sooner go to a good funeral
+than I would a wedding any day of the week. You've got that down about
+brother George? Yes, and please say as it was beautiful polished wood,
+the coffin--and real brass 'andles."
+
+"But, Mrs. Watt," I said despairingly, "that'll bring us quite to the
+end of the paper, and we've never even wished him many happy returns
+yet. Have you another sheet?"
+
+"I haven't got no more than the one sheet, but I dessay as there's room
+to say as I'm his loving mother, and 'ope it finds 'im well, as it
+leaves me."
+
+I managed to pinch in the traditional salutation; the sheet was enclosed
+in an envelope as sepulchral of aspect as itself, and with much
+misgiving I put Frank's birthday letter into the first pillar-box that I
+found.
+
+Just a week later I had occasion to go down Paradise Rents again. I had
+no intention of calling on Mrs. Watt, being more than a little afraid of
+the reception that her son Frank might have accorded to the letter that
+was to bring bright cheer to his birthday. But she ran from her door as
+I passed to meet and greet me. "Do step in, Mum," she entreated. "I must
+'ave you see a letter as come this morning from my son Frank, as is at
+the Front. Read that, if you please, Mum."
+
+"She must be a real lady that wot comes visiting you," it said. "That
+was a letter as she wrote. I don't know as ever I read such a beautiful
+letter. All the trench 'as read it, and they says so too."
+
+I sighed heavily with relief. Mrs. Watt was a judge of her son's
+literary taste.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
+
+[Illustration: _Tommies (singing)._ "Keep the home fires burning".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor (at private hospital)._ "Can I see Lieutenant
+Barker, please?"
+
+_Matron._ "We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're a
+relative?"
+
+_Visitor (boldly)._ "Oh, yes! I'm his sister."
+
+_Matron._ "Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. _I'm his mother._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Stand and Deliver."
+
+The Merry Monarch's world is too much with us. I can't imagine what it
+is in that period that our actor-managers find so peculiarly appropriate
+to present conditions, when we need all the inspiration we can get out
+of our country's annals. It seems only the other day that in the same
+theatre, His Majesty's--the play was _Mavourneen_--I was assisting at a
+rout (is that the word?) of Restoration society. And here we have it all
+over again with the same scheme of a pretty _débutante_ near to being
+compromised by the Royal favour; with the old galaxy of Court ladies
+inexplicably gay; the same old Duke of BUCKINGHAM; the old dull sport of
+improvisations; the old pathetic lack of wit; a _réchauffé_ only
+tempered by slight variations, such as the substitution of LELY for
+PEPYS, and the failure of the Monarch himself to put in an appearance.
+
+For the rest, a generous allowance of swashbuckling, of kidnapping, of
+standing and delivering, of interludes for dancing and gallantry--in a
+word all the approved features of the High Toby. Nothing, you will
+guess, that threatened to overstrain our intelligence, but enough for
+the moderate excitation of those sympathies which we always concede to
+heroic villainy.
+
+The _clou_ of the evening was the scene of the waylaying of his lover's
+coach by _Claude Duval_ on the Newmarket road. Animals on the stage (as
+distinct from the circus-ring) always make me nervous. Mr. BOURCHIER
+seemed to have anticipated my apprehension. On the approach of the
+travellers, having hitherto, with his horse's consent, sat motionless at
+the cross-roads, he retired with it into the wings and there dismounted
+and continued the scene on foot. But the memory of those few moments of
+superb equitation remained with the audience, and when, at the fall of
+the curtain, he led his steed forward by the bridle (a just tribute to
+its connivance) the pair of them brought down the house--and not the
+scenery, as I had feared.
+
+I am no pedant that I should cavil at Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY MCCARTHY'S
+re-adjustment of history. It was all for our delight that _Claude
+Duval_, instead of perishing on the scaffold, should escape from prison,
+have his freedom confirmed by the KING'S pardon, confound everybody
+else's knavish tricks and marry the lady of his heart. Nor do I complain
+that the historic highwayman (as I am credibly informed--for I got the
+facts from another critic) was only twenty-nine when they hanged him,
+and that Mr. BOURCHIER is--well, let me say, past the military age, or
+he wouldn't have been there at all. At the same time he will not mind my
+saying that, though he brought a very gallant spirit to his work, he
+lacked something of that resilience which is so desirable a quality in a
+Chevalier of the Road. Perhaps I liked best in him the quiet restraint
+with which he met the assaults of _Orange Moll_ upon his loyalty to his
+lady. He was not given very many good things to say, but he made up for
+this defect by dropping his aspirates and talking in what I took to be a
+Serbian accent.
+
+[Illustration: RIVER SCENE NEAR WESTMINSTER.
+
+_Claude Duval_ (Mr. Bourchier) disposes of his rival, _de Pontac_ (Mr.
+Murray Carrington) in a riparian duel.]
+
+Not much subtlety was asked of Miss KYRLE BELLEW as _Duval's_ lover,
+_Berinthia_; but she seemed to have learned a little more sincerity and
+to depend less upon the prettiness of her face and her frocks. Of Miss
+MIRIAM LEWES as _Orange Moll_ something more was demanded, and I should
+have enjoyed without reservation her very picturesque performance but
+for a certain stage-quality in her voice which was out of all consonance
+with the part she had to play. Mr. JERROLD ROBERTSHAW as _Justice
+Hogben_ was a most attractive old reprobate; Mr. CHARLES ROCK as a
+strolling mummer played like the sound actor he is; and indeed the whole
+cast--and not least in the smallest parts, such as Mr. HARTFORD'S
+drunken _Gaoler_ and Mr. PEASE'S _Dognose_, with his delightfully
+unemotional "Ay! ay!"--did very well indeed.
+
+If the play opens rather deliberately there is no lack of action when
+once it gets moving; but it was an exercise of bodies rather than of
+minds. Swords flashed; barkers were flourished (though they never went
+off); feet twinkled in the dance, and Mr. MURRAY CARRINGTON took several
+astounding falls; but wits remained stationary. I do not wish to appear
+exigent, but as one who likes to be amused as well as entertained I
+could easily have done with a little more scintillation.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INJER."
+
+(To the Author of "The Grand Tour," "Punch," January 26th, 1916.)
+
+  I read your lines the other day;
+    You got it down in black an' white;
+  You seen them places wot you say;
+    Well, I seen Injer--and you're right.
+
+  You never know. I took the bob
+    The days o' Mons an' Charley Roy;
+  Flanders, I thought, 'ud do my job,
+    An' me no better than a boy.
+
+  But some'ow Flanders got a miss,
+    An' I came East, the same as you,
+  Right East, an' finished up wi' this;
+    _I_ seen them towns and islands too.
+
+  But Injer! Lor, it's like a book
+    Or like a bloomin' fancy ball;
+  There's somethin' every way you look,
+    An' me--young me--I seen it all.
+
+  I know about them "dark bazaars"--
+    An' dark they is--I know them skies,
+  An' suns an' moons an' silver stars
+    An' 'ummin'-birds an' fiery-flies.
+
+  I seen the palms an' parrokeets,
+    I've 'eard the jackals in the night,
+  I've ate them beas'ly Injian sweets
+    An' smelt the Injian fires alight.
+
+  But I'm with you, old P. an' O.;
+    The goin' 'ome'll be the best;
+  An' not the 'ome we useter know,
+    But better, 'cos we've known the rest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TUBANTIA CRIME.
+
+    "Sworn Evidence of Torpedo."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+We hope it confessed its crime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The village is in utter darkness these nights, and many of the
+    lamp-posts are getting severe knocks, not speaking of the foot
+    pedestrians."--_Ardrossan Herald._
+
+Some of the foot pedestrians are said to have been less reticent about
+the lamp-posts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Would patriotic owner LEND INCUBATOR or Foster increase British
+    production, or buy cheap? Every care; experienced; eggs waiting;
+    ineligible; clergy ref."--_The Times._
+
+It is a little cryptic; but we gather that, at any rate, the partial
+soundness of these eggs will be guaranteed by the curate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sentry (at Remount Camp)._ "Halt! Who goes there?"
+
+_Weary Voice._ "One friend and two mules."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIVINS'S NEW BOOKS.
+
+Mr. Mivins begs to present
+
+FOUR WONDERFUL WORKS
+
+BY
+
+Four astounding Authors.
+
+       ***
+
+PRINCE CHARMING.
+
+By Egbert Gunn
+
+(_Third large edition already exhausted_).
+
+    "An incomparable achievement. The uniquest thing yet done by Mr.
+    GUNN. He has eclipsed Balzac, wiped the floor with George Sand,
+    while panting Tolstoi 'toils after him in vain.'"--_Daily
+    Exhaust._
+
+       ***
+
+POTLAND FOR EVER!
+
+By Roland Sennett.
+
+    "The greatest literary portent of all time. Here the Black
+    Country is painted in all its inspissated gloom by a
+    master-hand--sardonic, salubrious, superb.... We approach this
+    work on all-fours. Any other attitude on the part of a reviewer
+    would be sheer blasphemy."
+
+    _The Monthly Margarine._
+
+       ***
+
+THE UNPLUMBED ABYSS.
+
+By Drax Homer.
+
+    _First great Notice_: "By the side of Mr. Drax Homer, Edgar
+    Allan Poe is a fumbler, and Gaboriau the veriest tiro. In these
+    supremely arresting pages Mr. Drax Homer voices the cosmic
+    mystery with unerring skill, and ranges over the whole gamut of
+    the gruesome. He is the Napoleon of sensation, the Julius Cęsar
+    of melodrama."--_Daily Idolater._
+
+       ***
+
+_The Book of the Day._
+
+BRANDENBURG BABIES
+
+By Guinevere Jaggers.
+
+    "Of all the hundreds of English governesses privileged to enter
+    the _penetralia_ of Potsdam, Miss Jaggers had the longest
+    innings and writes with most authority. Her record teems with
+    astounding happenings, appalling revelations and grotesque
+    episodes.... There is nothing to touch it in the annals of
+    candour. Pepys is not in the same street and Benvenuto Cellini
+    not in the same parish. We recommend it to the perusal of the
+    Premier--if he has the courage to tackle it."
+
+    _The Oil and Vinegar Witness._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Before the Hyde Election--
+
+    "Mr. Davies maintains his optimism. He has reprinted one of his
+    cartoons showing him chattering the party walls of 'Jacobson's
+    Jellicoe,' with the big gun of efficiency."
+
+    _Manchester Evening Chronicle._
+
+But this attempt to drag the Navy into politics met with deserved
+failure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dwellers in the trenches are not the only fighters who know
+    what it is to be up to the knees in seven feet of water."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+We believe the Anakim were greatly troubled in this way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATLOCK'S VETERAN SOLDIER HONOURED.
+
+    154 Years in the Army."
+
+    _High Peak News._
+
+A veteran indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN
+
+IV.--Petticoat Lane.
+
+  Up the Lane and down the Lane and all round about
+  The Petticoats on washing-day are all hanging out;
+  Some are made of linsey-woolsey, some are made of silk,
+  Some of them are green as grass and some are white as milk;
+  Frilled and flounced and quilted ones in Petticoat Lane,
+  Some are worked in coloured nosegays, some of them are plain,
+  Some are striped with red and blue as gaudy as can be,
+  And one is sprigged with lavender, and that's the one for me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir A. MOND said that the married men's grievance was that they
+    might be called up before the tooth-combing process of which the
+    right hon. gentleman had spoken had been carried out."--_The
+    Times._
+
+It sounds painful. Personally we intend to stick to the old-fashioned
+brush.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Lloyd George, replying to Mr. Cowan, said the total salary
+    received by Lloyd Kitchener was £6,250."
+
+    _Portsmouth Evening News._
+
+This is the first we have heard of this highly-remunerated official. We
+hope it is not a case of nepotism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+A literature of _Antarcticana_ is gradually growing up, and the last
+volume, _With Scott: The Silver Lining_ (SMITH, ELDER), is a notable
+addition to it. Let me say at once that I opened Mr. GRIFFITH TAYLOR'S
+book with some trembling because I saw the difficulties in the way of
+its success. In the first place I recalled the simple dignity with which
+SCOTT wrote of his exploits, and I felt that to fall away from this high
+standard would be to fail; secondly, anyone writing now of this
+expedition must to a certain extent travel over ground already covered.
+These are the main difficulties which Mr. TAYLOR had to fight against,
+and he has overcome them. To a writer of his fluency and particular vein
+of humour it could not have been an easy task to put a right restraint
+upon his pen. The only criticism I have to pass on his style is that it
+could quite comfortably have done without the cloud of notes of
+exclamation in which it is enveloped. Apart from its great scientific
+value the main interest of the book is found in the light that it casts
+upon the characters of the author's companions. His observation is
+always shrewd and always kindly; you are left to guess his dislikes from
+his omissions. Mr. TAYLOR was himself in command, during SCOTT'S last
+expedition, of two parties, and of the work done on these journeys he
+writes with the modesty characteristic of men who speak of dangers and
+adventures in which they have personally taken part. One opinion of his
+I cannot refrain from quoting; it is that the tragedy of SCOTT'S
+expedition was caused by Seaman EVANS'S illness. "I believe that, short
+of abandonment, the party had no hope with a sick man on their hands."
+No tale of heroism that the War has given us can obscure the noble
+loyalty of this sacrifice. And to-day, when some of us have neither the
+time nor the taste for lighter things, there should be a grateful
+welcome for a book that deals with men whose courage and endurance
+remain the imperishable possession of our race.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Somewhere towards the end of _The Tragedy of an Indiscretion_ (LANE), we
+arrive at the Court of Criminal Appeal, where, in the course of
+unravelling the plot, one of the judges is moved to exclaim, "This is
+the most hopelessly complicated story I ever had the pain of listening
+to!" His lordship certainly has my sympathy. Personally speaking, the
+first twenty pages of it nearly gave me a nervous breakdown, so wild and
+whirling were the events into which it plunged. Let me start the thing
+for you. _Ronald Warrington_, who was heir to the aged _Duke of
+Glenstaffen_, eloped with _Mrs. Greville_, assuming for no very
+understandable reason the name of his friend and secretary, _Essendine_.
+So, the pair being established at an hotel, the supposed _Mr. E._ goes
+to a station to buy an evening paper, is fallen upon by the real one,
+and thrust into a train to attend the deathbed of his ducal relative.
+_Essendine_ himself, entering the hotel to explain matters to the lady,
+finds (1) that she is the wife who divorced him before marrying
+_Greville_; (2) that she has just died of heart disease. Next, being of
+a placidity almost inhuman, he decides to bury the corpse as that of his
+wife, and not worry anyone with explanations. What he didn't know then,
+or I either, was that another lady was at the moment gadding about
+London in one of _Mrs. Greville's_ cast-off frocks, and pretending to be
+that much-married female. And when in due course she is murdered, and
+the strangely apathetic widower, _Mr. Greville_, who never set eyes upon
+her, is arrested for the crime--well, you may begin to think that the
+judge's remark was an understatement. What I should like to ask Mr. J.
+W. BRODIE-INNES is, if this is his notion of an "indiscretion," what
+would he have to say of a real social error?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE MUSEUM.
+
+[Illustration: _Soldier (on leave from the trenches visiting the sights
+of London--before enlarged model of common flea)._ "Yes, that's it,
+father! That's the kind I was tellin' you about. But it ain't much of a
+specimen."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The name of the author of _Youth Unconquerable_ (HEINEMANN) is given on
+the title-page as _Percy Ross_. But I would willingly take a small wager
+on the probability that this name conceals a feminine identity. For one
+thing, no mere man surely would attempt the task of depicting the sweet
+girl graduate in her native lair, often as the converse has been done.
+Certainly it is improbable that he would manage to convey such an
+impression of actuality. For I am sure the life of an Oxford ladies'
+college must be, for many, very much what it was for _Cherry Hawthorn_.
+But I am afraid this is about all that I can honestly say in praise of
+the story. _Cherry_ was a young woman with red hair (it is bright
+vermilion in the ugly picture of her on the cover) and no fortune. Her
+late father had made her the joint ward of two young men, one an Italian
+prince, and one a semi-insane Welshman. _Cherry_ accepted this provision
+with a promising placidity. She, and I, anticipated marriage with one or
+other of the guardians. But that was before we had seen them. The
+Italian turned out to be silly, while the Welshman recalled the gloomier
+imaginings of the BRONTĖS, and in the event came by an appropriately
+violent end. However there was a third suitor, a Scotch Duke, so all was
+well. Perhaps the tale may have more success with others than with me.
+But I am bound to warn you that the style of it is a wild and wonderful
+thing. One is, for example, unprepared to find a gentleman's hat and
+stick referred to as "his extra-mural accoutrements." And this is no
+rare example. The whole thing, in fact, seems more suitable to a very
+popular magazine than to the dignity of that exclusive little windmill
+that forms the HEINEMANN hall-mark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Precisionists.
+
+    "TRICYCLE for Sale cheap, 3 wheels."--_Suburban Paper._
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, April 5, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22873-8.txt or 22873-8.zip *****
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+  <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, April 5, 1916.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+April 5, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, April 5, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22873]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>April 5, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page225" id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>A <span class="sc">severe</span> blizzard hit London last
+week, and Mr. <span class="sc">Pemberton-Billing</span> has
+since been heard to admit, however
+reluctantly, that there are other powers
+of the air.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>After more than five weeks the
+bubble blown by Sir <span class="sc">James Dewar</span> at
+the Royal Institution on February 17th
+has burst. A still larger bubble, blown
+by some eminent German scientists as
+long ago as August, 1914,
+is said to be on the point of
+dissolution.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At one of the North London
+Tribunals a maker of
+meat pies applied for exemption
+on the ground that
+he had a conscientious objection
+to taking life. His
+application was refused,
+the tribunal apparently being
+of the opinion that a
+man who knew all about
+meat pies could decimate
+the German forces without
+striking a blow.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Colonel <span class="sc">Roosevelt</span> says
+he has found a bird that
+lives in a cave, eats nuts,
+barks like a dog and has
+whiskers; and the political
+wiseacres in Washington
+are asking who it can be.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>An exciting hockey match
+was played on Saturday between
+a team of policemen
+and another composed of
+special constables. The
+policemen won&mdash;by a few
+feet.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>For gallantry at the ovens
+a German master-baker has
+just been awarded the Iron
+Cross. This is probably intended
+as a sop to the Army
+bakers, who are understood to have
+regarded it as a slight upon their calling
+that hitherto this distinction has
+been largely reserved for people who
+have shown themselves to be efficient
+butchers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At a meeting of barbers held in the
+City a few days ago it was unanimously
+decided to raise the price of a shave to
+<i>3d.</i> The reason, it was explained, was
+the high cost of living, which tempted
+the customers to eat far more soap than
+formerly.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In the Lambeth Police Court a man
+was convicted of stealing three galvanized
+iron roofs. His explanation
+that he had had the good fortune to
+win them at an auction bridge party
+was rejected by the Court.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Mr. R. H. <span class="sc">Pearce</span>, writing to
+<i>The Times</i>, says: "I once lived in a
+house where my neighbour (a lady)
+kept twelve cats." Mr. <span class="sc">Pearce</span> is
+probably unique in his experience.
+Our own neighbours only go so far
+as to arrange for the entertainment of
+their cats in our garden.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>FIRST CASUALTY OF THE NON-COMBATANT CORPS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/225.png"><img width="100%" src="images/225.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Red Cross Man.</i> <span class="sc">"What is it?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Stretcher-bearer.</i> <span class="sc">"Shock. He was digging and he cut a worm
+in half."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>An Appropriate Locale.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Bohemian Picture Theatre, Phibsboro'
+To-day for Three Days Only,
+Justus Miles Forman's Exciting Story,
+The Garden of Lies."</p>
+
+<p><i>Irish Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>VARIETIES.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A word that is always spelled swrong.&mdash;W-r-o-n-g."&mdash;<i>Wellington
+Journal.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We don't believe this is true.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"WOMEN ARE ASKED TO
+WEAR NO MORE CLOTHES
+<span class="sc">than are absolutely necessary</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Dundee Courier.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Several cases of shock are reported
+among ladies who got no further than
+the large type lines.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ART IN WAR-TIME.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+[<i>A fragmentary essay in up-to-date
+criticism of any modern Exhibition&mdash;the
+R. A. excluded.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>In the Central Hall the Reduplicated
+Pr&aelig;teritists, the Tangentialists and the
+Paraphrasts are all well represented.
+Mr. Orguly Bolp's large painting, entitled
+"Embrocation," is an interesting
+experiment in the handling of aplanatic
+surfaces, in which the toxic determinants
+are harmonized by a sort of plastic
+<i>meiosis</i> with syncopated
+rhythms. His other large
+picture, "Interior of a
+Dumbbell by Night," has
+the same basic idea without
+the appearance of it,
+and gives a very vital sense
+of the elimination of noumenal
+perceptivity.  M.
+Paparrigopoulo, the Greek
+Paraphrast, calls one of his
+pictures "The Antecedent,"
+another "The Relative,"
+and a third "The Correlative,"
+but though they are
+thus united syntactically
+each follows its own reticulation
+to a logical conclusion,
+and carries with it a
+spiritual sanction, not always
+coherent perhaps, but
+none the less satisfying.
+Miss Felicity Quackenboss's
+portrait of Saint Vitus is
+perhaps the most arresting
+contribution to the exhibition,
+and portrays the
+Saint intoxicated with the
+exuberance of his own
+agility. It is a very carnival
+of contortion.  Mr.
+Widgery Pimble transcribes
+very searchingly the post-prandial
+lethargy of a boa-constrictor,
+the process of
+deglutition being indicated
+with great dignity and delicacy,
+as might be expected
+from so austere a realist.
+From one angle the figure might be
+taken for a Bengal tiger, and from
+another for a zebra&mdash;a good proof
+of the suggestiveness of the artist's
+method. But, whether it be reptile
+or quadruped, the spirit of repletion
+broods over the canvas with irresistible
+force. Mr. Thaddeus Tumulty
+sends some admirable drawings in
+<i>pis&eacute; de terre</i>, one of which, called
+"The Pragmatist at Play," is a
+masterpiece of osteological <i>bravura</i>....</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Dr. Solff, the German Minister for the
+Conolies, has left for Constantinople."</p>
+
+<p><i>Egyptian Mail.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Another injustice to Ireland.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page226" id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span>
+
+<h2>TRUTHFUL JAMES</h2>
+
+<h3>ON DOCTORS.</h3>
+
+<p>"You're not looking well," said the
+staff of <i>The Muddleton Weekly Gazette</i>
+sympathetically.</p>
+
+<p>"No, Sir. Can't sleep, Sir. Haven't
+done for days till last night. I went
+off beautiful quite early, and then the
+new nurse come and woke me to give
+me my sleeping draught. That finished
+it for the night. Strange thing, sleep.
+There's no sense about it. Take Bill
+Hawkins now, a pal of mine in B
+Company. He was hit and took to
+hospital. Not serious at all. 'Me for
+a rest cure,' he says. But he was in
+that hospital for weeks and weeks,
+getting worse and worse; he couldn't
+sleep a wink. The more they drugged
+him, and the more sheep he counted,
+the more wide-awake he was. The
+doctors got angry and called him an
+obstinate case. He said it wasn't
+poisons but noise he needed, so they
+fetched an orderly and set him banging
+one of them frying-pan baths with a
+ram-rod. In five minutes Bill falls
+asleep as peaceful as a lamb, and the
+orderly, being tired, stops. Up leaps
+Bill, wide awake as ever, asking what's
+wrong. Naturally they couldn't bang
+a bath for him all night every night,
+and the house surgeon was just thinking
+about getting ready a slab in the
+mortuary, when Bill's brother, an
+engine-driver, comes along. He took
+Bill to his box just outside Charing
+Cross station and made up a bed for
+him there. Bill slept for three days
+solid and was about again in a week."</p>
+
+<p>"Very fortunate," murmured the
+<i>Gazette</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"So that time, you see, the doctors
+was done. But that don't often happen.
+There was a doctor I knew out there,
+name of Gordon. Young fellow he was,
+too, and very keen; seemed to think
+the War was started specially to give
+him surgical practice, and he loved his
+lancets more than his mother. He
+used to welcome cases with open arms,
+so to speak, do his very best to heal
+'em quick, and weep when he succeeded.
+Well, he happened to be in
+our trench one day, showing our Sub
+a new case of knives, when Charlie
+Black was carried in on a stretcher
+in an awful mess.</p>
+
+<p>"'I must operate at once to save
+your life,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Charlie smiled as best he could and
+said he was agreeable.</p>
+
+<p>"'But there's no an&aelig;sthetic here,'
+he says, 'and I can't do it without.
+Couldn't you do a faint for me?'</p>
+
+<p>"Charlie says he's sorry, but he's
+never practised fetching a faint at will,
+like a woman can.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, then,' he says, 'you'll have
+to be stunned.' And he fetches a small
+sandbag and gives it to the stretcher-bearer.</p>
+
+<p>"'Chap here,' he explains to Charlie,
+'will count up slowly, and when he
+gets to fifty he'll hit you on the head
+with the sandbag and knock you out.'</p>
+
+<p>"Charlie grins, and the stretcher-bearer
+begins to count. When he gets
+to ten he rolls up his sleeves; when he
+gets to twenty he takes a good grip of
+the sandbag; at thirty he rolls his
+eyes and sticks out his jaw; at forty,
+he lifts the bag over his shoulder and
+draws one foot back, Charlie watching
+him all the time. 'For-ty-six,' he
+says slowly, 'for-ty seven, for-ty-eight,
+for-ty-nine,' and then&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"You're not going to tell me that
+he really&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No, he didn't," said Truthful James.
+"Charlie fainted."</p>
+
+<p>"That was their intention, I presume?"</p>
+
+<p>"Your presumption is correct, Sir.
+The doctor finished the job before
+Charlie come to again. Smart, wasn't
+it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Very smart indeed."</p>
+
+<p>"But that's nothing. Nothing at
+all to what he could do. He once cut
+a fellow open, took out his liver, extracted
+twenty-three shrapnel bullets
+from it, bounced it on the floor to see
+it was all right, and put it back, all
+inside of three minutes. And the
+fellow what owns the liver hasn't had
+a to-morrow morning head-ache once
+since."</p>
+
+<p>"He must be a very clever doctor,"
+suggested the other, to fill in a pause.</p>
+
+<p>"Talking of doctors," James went on,
+"reminds me of a man I saw out there
+who wasn't a doctor, leastways not one
+of ours. We was in the fire-trenches
+one night when a voice hails us from
+the other side of the entanglements.
+After the usual questions we brings him
+over the parapet, and he explains to
+our Sub that he's been in front attending
+to some wounded men in a listening
+post what was blown up. All perfectly
+correct and proper; gives his name and
+rank, too, and is wearing an R.A.M.C.
+uniform&mdash;rank, Captain. As he passes
+me on his way to the Sub's dug-out I
+happens to catch sight of his face, and
+it give me quite a shock. I was took
+ill immediate. I manages to stagger
+to the dug-out, and I mutters hoarsely,
+'Sir, I'm sick. I think I'm going to
+die.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Sick?' says the Sub. 'You don't
+look sick.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I'm sorry, Sir,' I says.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well,' says he, turning to the
+other man, 'the Captain here will soon
+put you right.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Certainly,' says the Doc very sharp.
+'Where do you feel pain&mdash;stomach,
+heart, head?'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, Sir,' says I, 'I got a nawful
+pain in me inn'erds.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What did you say?' he asks.</p>
+
+<p>"'In me inn'erds, Sir,' I says,
+'spreading from me gizzard to me
+probossis,' them being the only out-of-the-way
+words I could think of
+off-hand.</p>
+
+<p>"'H'm,' says he, pretending to understand
+perfectly, 'it is probably nothing
+serious. You must diet yourself; take
+nothing but light food and&mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"Here the Sub interrupts him,
+thinking there's something mighty
+queer about a doctor what is so ready
+to prescribe diet for a probossis, and
+asks him a lot more questions. Of
+course the beer was in the sawdust
+then, and very soon a guard was called
+up to take our German Captain Doctor
+Spy away to a safe place.</p>
+
+<p>"It was lucky I knew his face. Before
+perfidjus Albion forced this war on the
+poor <span class="sc">Kayser</span> I'd seen him often in
+London. He was boss of a firm above
+the place where I worked, and he used
+to order his Huns about in their own
+language, and chuck his empty lager
+bottles out of his window into our
+yard. I'm glad I got my own back
+for that."</p>
+
+<p>"Jim," cried an orderly, "you're
+wanted for your dressing."</p>
+
+<p>James rose languidly. "That means
+na-poo, then, Sir," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Na-poo?" echoed the <i>Gazette</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Where's your learning, Sir?"
+asked James. "That's French for
+'no more.'"</p>
+
+<p>"I hope your dressing will not be
+painful," ventured the other.</p>
+
+<p>"How would you like to have a probe
+rammed through your hand twice a
+day?" demanded James with a smile.
+"But it's all part of the game.
+Comforts for Tommy. Everyone has
+their own way of making us happy,
+not forgetting the dear lady what sent
+us three hundred little lavender bags,
+with pretty little bows on them, all
+sewn by herself, to keep our linen
+sweetly perfumed. It's nice to think
+that they all mean well, and I always
+follow the advice of the auctioneer
+what was trying to pass off a plated
+teapot as solid silver."</p>
+
+<p>"What did he say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Look at the bright side," answered
+James over his shoulder as he hurried
+away. "O reevwaw, Sir."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"On the night of February 29th ten thousand
+women marched through Unter Den
+London crying 'bread' and 'peace.'"</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Gleaner</i> (<i>Kingston, Jamaica.</i>)
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We missed them in the Tube.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page227" id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span>
+
+<h3>"WAIT AND SEE."</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/227.png"><img width="100%" src="images/227.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Mr. Asquith.</span> "WELL, AS WE SAY IN HOME, I HAVE
+BEEN, I HAVE SEEN&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Punch.</span> "THEN YOU NEEDN'T WAIT ANY MORE, SIR; ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO
+IS TO GO IN AND CONQUER."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page228" id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span>
+
+<h2>THE PULLING OF PERCY'S LEG.</h2>
+
+<p>It was one of those calm quarters
+of an hour which sometimes happen
+even in a Y.M.C.A. canteen. Private
+Penny, leaning over the counter, consumed
+coffee and buns and bestowed
+spasmodic confidences upon me as I
+cut up cake into the regulation slices.</p>
+
+<p>"Oxo and biscuits, please," broke in
+a languid voice suddenly, and a pale
+young man with an armlet approached
+the counter. I turned away for the
+cup, and Private Penny, laying down
+his mug, addressed the newcomer.</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you?" he inquired genially.</p>
+
+<p>The young man surveyed him with
+cold superiority; then he turned to me.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm a <span class="sc">Derby</span> man, you see," he
+began complacently. "A lot of
+pals'll be here presently,
+and we're all going to join
+this afternoon.  They're
+late."</p>
+
+<p>"And what," I asked
+with resentment, for Private
+Penny was a friend of mine,
+"are you going to join?"</p>
+
+<p>It appeared that this
+superior person, after unprejudiced
+consideration of
+the matter, had decided to
+join the A.S.C. He said he
+considered he would be of
+most use in the A.S.C.; he
+said he was specially designed
+and constructed by
+Providence for the A.S.C.;
+he said....</p>
+
+<p>And then suddenly we
+became aware that Private
+Penny was mourning gently
+to himself over a dough-nut.</p>
+
+<p>"Pore chap!" he was muttering,
+"pore young feller&mdash;'e don't know.
+None of 'em knows till it's too late,
+and then they finds their mistake. No
+good to tell 'em&mdash;pore chap, pore chap&mdash;so
+pleased over it, too!"</p>
+
+<p>"What's that you're saying?" the
+youth cut in anxiously.</p>
+
+<p>"Young man," said Private Penny
+very solemnly, "if you'd take my
+advice&mdash;the advice of one that's served
+his country twelve months at the Front&mdash;you'd
+let the Army Service Corps
+alone. Not that I'm doubting you're
+a plucky young feller enough, but you
+ain't up to that. It's <i>nerve</i> you want
+for it. Well, I wouldn't take it on myself,
+and I'm pretty well seasoned.
+Why, you 'ave to go calmly into the
+mouth of 'ell with supplies, over the
+open ground, when the Infantry's
+safe and snug in the trenches. You
+ain't strong enough for it&mdash;reely you
+ain't."</p>
+
+<p>"Er&mdash;" hesitated the young man.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I <i>had</i> thought of the R.A.M.C.
+Mother's idea was&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Private Penny groaned. "You
+know," he said with emotion, "I've
+took a kind of fancy to you, Percy.
+And if it's me dying breath I says&mdash;<i>don't!</i>
+That kind of work ain't right
+nor proper for the likes of you. Why,
+you 'ave to go out in the field there
+(and you ain't even armed, nor protected,
+mind you!) and you 'ave to see
+the most <i>orrerble</i> sights! Can't I tell
+by yer face, can't I see with me understanding
+eyes that you're the sort that
+would go mad in no time if you 'ad
+some o' them things to do? If it's me
+last word&mdash;&mdash;" Emotion choked him.</p>
+
+<p>Percy looked wildly around. "There's
+the Artillery," he gasped, "if that's
+your advice."</p>
+
+<p>Private Penny burst into a sob of
+uncontrollable anguish. "Percy," he
+moaned, "if you want to break me
+heart, that's the way to do it! <i>Say</i>
+I've advised you to that, if you like,
+but it ain't true. With all me soul I
+says&mdash;<i>don't</i> do it. Think, dear boy,
+think. Kinsider the <i>guns!</i>&mdash;the noise&mdash;the
+smoke&mdash;the smell&mdash;the bursting
+shells all round&mdash;the mad horses and
+mules everywhere. If you 'ave any
+affection for me in your 'eart, Percival,
+leave the guns alone! If you can't
+control your courage for my sake&mdash;your
+fool'ardiness, Percy!&mdash;think of all
+your dear ones at 'ome and turn back
+before it is too late!"</p>
+
+<p>Percy shuddered. "I might try the
+Engineers," he said hopelessly, "but I
+don't&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"If," said Private Penny in the still
+tones of despair, "<i>I</i> have druv you to
+this, I shall cut me throat. I can't
+live with that on me conscience. 'Ave
+you thought of the danger of mining
+and sapping? 'Ave you kinsidered
+field telegrafts? 'Ave you&mdash;'ot-'eaded
+and impulsive as you are&mdash;'ave you
+kinsidered <i>anything</i>? Percy, if you're
+set on this job, tell me quick, and put
+me out of me agony!"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Percy abruptly. "But"&mdash;with
+sudden misgiving&mdash;"w-what
+can I do? I'm on my way to join
+and I must join <i>something</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Private Penny pushed his mug over
+to be re-filled. "I'm an infantryman
+myself," he said carelessly, "and I
+speaks as one that knows. And wot I
+says is&mdash;if you wants a cheerful protected
+kinder life, with a quiet 'ole to
+'ide yer 'ead in&mdash;if you wants rest and
+comfort, kimbined with plenty o' fresh
+air&mdash;if you wants to serve yer King
+and country without any danger to
+yer 'ealth, then the infantry's the life
+for you, and the trenches is the place
+to spend it in. Ain't I been
+out there one solid year,
+and no 'arm 'appened to
+me yet? It's child's play,
+that it is, sitting there in
+a 'ole, with big guns booming
+over you protective-like
+from be'ind and killing all
+the enemy in front for you.
+And yer food and yer love-letters
+brought to you regular,
+and doctors and parsons
+to see you whenever you
+feels queer. Take my advice,
+Percy my son&mdash;join the
+Infantry at once and make
+sure of a gentleman's life.
+I've took a fancy to you,
+and I tells you straight."
+And he eclipsed himself
+behind his replenished mug.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you very much,"
+said Percy gratefully, "I can
+see that the Infantry is the place for me.
+I shall insist upon joining it. Thank
+you <i>very</i> much for all your advice&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>At this moment a great wave of
+khaki burst into the room and swept to
+the counter, clamouring for attention.
+On the crest of it came Percy's friends
+in mufti, and once, across the tumult,
+his voice reached my ears. "... quite
+decided...." he was saying loftily,
+"some infantry regiment or other
+just seems...." and he was jostled
+away in the centre of an admiring
+group.</p>
+
+<p>Involuntarily I looked across at
+Private Penny.</p>
+
+<p>One eye met mine from behind an
+upturned mug, and the lid fell and rose
+again, once, rapidly; he too had heard.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">"A Council of War in the Desert.</span></p>
+
+<p>"British Officers are here seen holding a
+'bow-wow.'"&mdash;<i>Western Weekly News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Very natural. In the desert most days
+are "dog-days."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/228.png"><img width="100%" src="images/228.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>on a round of inspection, during
+prolonged pause in man&oelig;uvres</i>). <span class="sc">"And what is the disposition
+of your men, Sergeant?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sergeant.</i> <span class="sc">"Fed-up, Sir!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span>
+
+<h2>THE NEUTRAL NEWSMONGER.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Who cheers us when we're in the blues</p>
+<p>With reassuring German news</p>
+<p>Of starving Berliners in queues?</p>
+<p class="i4">The Neutral.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And then, soon after, tells us they</p>
+<p>Are feeding nicely all the day</p>
+<p>Just in the old familiar way?</p>
+<p class="i4">The Neutral.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Who sees the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> in Berlin</p>
+<p>Dejected, haggard, old as sin,</p>
+<p>And shaking in his hoary skin?</p>
+<p class="i4">The Neutral.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then says he's quite a Sunny Jim,</p>
+<p>That buoyant health and youthful vim</p>
+<p>Are sticking out all over him?</p>
+<p class="i4">The Neutral.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Who tells us tales of <span class="sc">Krupp's</span> new guns</p>
+<p>Much larger than the other ones,</p>
+<p>And endless trains chockful of Huns?</p>
+<p class="i4">The Neutral.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And then, when our last hope has fled,</p>
+<p>Declares the Huns are either dead</p>
+<p>Or hopelessly dispirited?</p>
+<p class="i4">The Neutral.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In short, who seems to be a blend</p>
+<p>Of Balaam's Ass, the bore's godsend</p>
+<p>And <i>Mrs. Gamp's</i> elusive friend?</p>
+<p class="i4">The Neutral.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%" src="images/229.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Humiliation of Jones, who hitherto has been accustomed to drop off
+unaided</span>.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>HINTS TO MANAGERS.</h2>
+
+<p>A new and very popular addition to
+the comic opera, <i>Tina</i>, at the Adelphi,
+is a stage representation of "Eve," the
+writer of "The Letters of Eve" in
+<i>The Tatler</i>, together with her retinue
+and her dog.</p>
+
+<p>Here we see Journalism and the
+Drama more than ever mutually dependent,
+and the developments of the
+idea might be numberless. <i>Lord Times</i>,
+in <i>A Kiss for Cinderella</i>, already illustrates
+one of them; but why not a
+complete play, with favourite newspaper
+contributors as the <i>dramatis
+person&aelig;</i>? or a revue, to be called, say,
+<i>The Tenth Muse</i>, or <i>Hullo, Inky</i>!</p>
+
+<p>Or, if not a whole play or revue, a
+scene could be arranged in which the
+great scribes processed past. One group
+might consist of Carmelite Friars, with
+"Quex" and "The Rambler," each with
+a luncheon host on one arm and a
+musical-comedy actress on the other;
+"An Englishman," with his scourge
+of knotted cords, on his eternal but
+honourable quest for a malefactor; and
+"Robin Goodfellow," still, in spite of
+war and official requests for economy,
+pointing to the glories of the race-course
+and pathetically endeavouring
+to find winners. These would make
+an impressive company&mdash;with a good
+song and dance to finish up with.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Referee's</i> contribution would
+obviously be too easy; it would simply
+be like a revival of <i>King Arthur</i>. The
+audience, however, would be in luck
+when "Dagonet" got really warmed
+up to tell yet once more the thrilling
+story of how he met <span class="sc">Henry Pettitt</span>
+in the brave days of old.</p>
+
+<p>A whiff of <i>The Three Musketeers</i>
+would exhilarate the house at the entry
+of "Chicot," the Jester of <i>The Sketch</i>;
+while finally we might look for an
+excellent effect from "Claudius Clear"
+and "A Man of Kent," of <i>The British
+Weekly</i>, masquerading as the Heavenly
+Twins.</p>
+
+<p>These notes merely, of course, touch
+the fringe of a vast subject. Many
+other holders of famous <i>noms de
+guerre</i> remain, such as "Mr. Gossip"
+and "Mrs. Gossip," and "Captain
+Coe" and "A Playful Stallite," and
+"Historicus" and "Atlas" and "Scrutator"
+and "Alpha of the Plough";
+but only "Eve" has had the wit to
+include pictures of herself in every
+article; therefore only "Eve" can be
+instantly recognised. These others, if
+they wish to be equally successful
+on the stage (and it is certain they
+would like to be), must have always a
+portrait too. The Heavenly Twins
+might like to use one, by Mr. <span class="sc">Wells</span>,
+which already exists.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>
+
+<h2>THE DOVE.</h2>
+
+<p>I was at first inclined to look upon this dove as being
+largely symbolical. So far as I could gather it had never
+been here before&mdash;at any rate no one could be found who
+had seen it here or in the neighbourhood, and it seemed
+obvious that its sudden emergence, as it were, out of
+nothing must have some high and dove-like signification.</p>
+
+<p>Probably before the end
+of the week the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>
+would sue for peace and
+swallow Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith's</span>
+formula. Since then,
+however, Verdun has
+happened and <span class="sc">von
+Tirpitz</span> has gone, and
+nobody seems in the
+least disposed to stop
+the crash of arms. That
+being so, and the dove
+being still with us, I
+am forced, in spite of
+myself, to look upon it
+as an entirely real bird
+and to keep on wondering
+what strange
+freak brought it to us
+and made it an honoured
+member of this
+household.</p>
+
+<p>It arrived about ten
+weeks ago quite unexpectedly
+and suddenly.
+One morning there was
+no dove; on the following
+morning, having
+fluttered hither from I
+know not what remote
+and solitary region, it
+had perched on the
+branch of a poplar set
+close to the house.
+There it remained while
+we breakfasted, and
+from that point of
+vantage it broke out
+into a long series of
+loud and melodious
+cooings that sounded
+like nothing so much
+as a gurgling stream
+of benedictions poured
+out over the house and
+those who dwelt in it
+by one who plainly
+proposed to be a grateful
+though not a paying
+guest. It was wonderful to hear it.</p>
+
+<p>From the branch this persistent and pleasing bird
+shortly removed itself to the window-sill of one of the
+bedrooms, and into this room, when breakfast was over,
+the children trooped. The dove was pecking eagerly at the
+window-pane. "Let's open the window for it," said one
+of the girls, "and see what happens." Very gently, then,
+the window was opened, and what immediately happened
+was that, without the least sign of alarm, nay rather with
+the air of one repeating a customary action, the dove
+walked in, took a short flight, and settled on the toilet-table.
+There it caught sight of its soft grey reflection
+in the looking-glass and at once began to parade up and
+down before it, swelling itself out and bobbing its head in
+evident admiration of the beautiful being so fortunately
+offered to its view. Soon it attempted to approach this
+vision, but was surprised to find itself foiled by the cold impermeable
+surface of the glass. Puzzled, but not, I think,
+definitely hopeless&mdash;it performs the same antics in one or
+other of the bedrooms every day&mdash;it left the toilet-table,
+circled round the room
+and perched confidingly
+on the shoulder of one
+of the little girls who
+were admiring it, and
+began once more to
+coo in a very ecstasy
+of enjoyment.</p>
+
+<p>Later on, food was
+provided for it, which it
+pecked up without the
+least shyness. Since
+then it has established
+itself on a very firm
+clawing, if I may use
+the term, as a necessary
+inmate of the house.
+Fluttering through the
+passages it follows the
+maids from room to
+room in the morning
+and shows the most
+lively interest in their
+work while beds are
+being made or tables
+dusted. It has the
+most perfect trustfulness,
+not merely allowing
+itself to be handled,
+but coming to perch
+on a wrist or shoulder
+as if it had belonged
+there from, time immemorial.
+It really is
+a pretty thing to have
+about the house, an
+embodiment of gentleness
+and kindness, and,
+so far as a mere human
+being can judge, of an
+almost dog-like gratitude
+and affection. I
+have seen a bullfinch
+swell up in a passionate
+agitation of love when
+from its cage it beheld
+its dear mistress enter
+the room, but it had
+never occurred to me
+before this to attribute such a feeling to a dove. I ought,
+I suppose, to have known better, as I now do. At this
+very moment it is cooing away like mad at its declaration
+of undying love from its favourite haunt on the mantelpiece
+of one of the bedrooms.</p>
+
+<p>But it has another utterance which it employs at rare
+intervals. This is a sort of high-pitched laugh thoroughly
+unsuited to its softness, a most cynical and derisive sound
+which in so kind a beak seems to have neither meaning
+nor purpose. But I overlook its rare laugh in consideration
+of the cooing with which it blesses us and the general
+friendship which it has vowed to this house.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>RECALLED.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%" src="images/230.png" alt=""/></a><p>The second great sale on behalf of the wounded will be held at Christie's
+(8 King Street, St. James' Square) from the 6th to the 19th of April, and from
+the 26th to the 28th. The entire proceeds&mdash;no charge for their services being
+made by Messrs. Christie, Manson &amp; Woods&mdash;will be handed over to the
+British Red Cross Society and the Order of the Hospital of St. John of
+Jerusalem. The exhibits are still on view to-day (April 5th).</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/231.png"><img width="100%" src="images/231.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Husband.</i> <span class="sc">"Darlint, 'tis yer own Michael that's
+come home to yez!"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Wife.</i> <span class="sc">"Sure, Mike, ye're not afther thrying anny of thim
+personating thricks on me, are yez?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE BOBBERY PACK.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Andy Hartigan's dead and gone</p>
+<p class="i2">Over the hills and further yet,</p>
+<p>But he drank good port and his red face shone</p>
+<p class="i2">Like a cider apple of Somerset.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Ten strange couples o' hounds he had</p>
+<p class="i2">(Gaunt old brutes that had hunted fox</p>
+<p>Back in the days when <span class="sc">Noah</span> was a lad),</p>
+<p class="i2">Touched in the bellows and gone at the hocks&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Hounds he'd stole from a Harrier pack,</p>
+<p class="i2">Hounds he'd borrowed an' begged an' found,</p>
+<p>Grey an' yellow an' tan an' black,</p>
+<p class="i2">Every conceivable kind o' hound.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He called them "harriers," and a few</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Were</i> harriers&mdash;back when the world began&mdash;</p>
+<p>But they weren't particular where they drew</p>
+<p class="i2">An' they weren't particular what they ran.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I mind him once of a bygone morn</p>
+<p class="i2">Ruddy an' round on his flea-bit horse,</p>
+<p>Twangin' a note on his battered horn</p>
+<p class="i2">An' cappin' them into the Frenchman gorse.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They pushed a brown hare out of her form</p>
+<p class="i2">An' swung on her line with a crash of tongues;</p>
+<p>But a vixen crossed an' her scent was warm,</p>
+<p class="i2">So they ran her, screechin' to burst their lungs.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They ran her into my lord's demesne,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where my lady's fallows were grazing free;</p>
+<p>They picked a stag and followed again,</p>
+<p class="i2">Singing like souls in ecstasy.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They chased the stag up over the ridge</p>
+<p class="i2">With lolling tongues an' with heaving flanks;</p>
+<p>They lost him down by the Cluddlah bridge,</p>
+<p class="i2">But killed an otter on Cluddlah's banks.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They had no shape an' they had no style;</p>
+<p class="i2">Their manners were bad an' their morals slack;</p>
+<p>They were noisy, but wonderful versatile,</p>
+<p class="i2">Andy Hartigan's bobbery pack.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>High (Explosive) Finance.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The issuing of premium bombs, whilst not, strictly speaking,
+a lottery or gamble, would give such people what they ask for, and
+that is a chance to get something unusual and tempting."</p>
+
+<p><i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Unusual, certainly; but tempting?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A War-Menu.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Girls</span> experienced Wanted to feed on Wharfdale machines."</p>
+
+<p><i>Nottingham Evening Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Broadwoodwidger.</span>&mdash;A new pipe organ has been installed at
+the parish church. A recital was given by the Rev. C. B. Walters,
+of Stokeclimsland, while a sermon was preached by the Rev. Canon
+Lewis, of Launceston."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The Broadwoodwidger example deserves imitation. Some
+sermons would be much more tolerable if they had a
+musical accompaniment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A mere automatic raising of the Income Tax strikes indiscriminately
+at the just and the unjust; it is just as likely to cripple the
+man who is supporting and educating a large family sybarite."</p>
+
+<p><i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And a very good thing too. For ourselves, we have always
+discouraged the growth of these bulky profligates in the
+domestic circle.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%" src="images/232.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Lady</i> (<i>meeting small acquaintance</i>).
+<span class="sc">"Hullo, Ethel, so you've started one of those things?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Ethel.</i> <span class="sc">"Yes, we're all having to come to them. Rather a
+drop-down after the Rolls-Royce, but&mdash;war-time, you know."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>YELLOW PRESSURE.</h2>
+
+<p>"Rather a funny thing happened
+the other day," she remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes?" I replied languidly.</p>
+
+<p>"About you."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" I said with animation. "Do
+tell me."</p>
+
+<p>"It was at lunch," she explained,
+"at Duke's. The people at the next
+table were talking about you. I couldn't
+help hearing a little. A man there
+said he had met you in Shanghai."</p>
+
+<p>"Not really!" I exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. He met you in Shanghai."</p>
+
+<p>"That's frightfully interesting," I
+said. "What did he say about me?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's what I couldn't hear," she
+replied. "You see I had to pay some
+attention to my own crowd. I only
+caught the word 'delightful.'"</p>
+
+<p>Ever since she told me this. I have
+been turning it over in my mind; and
+it is particularly vexing not to know
+more. "Delightful" can be such jargon
+and mean nothing&mdash;or, at any rate,
+nothing more than amiability. Still,
+that is something, for one is not always
+amiable, even when meeting
+strangers.  On the other hand it
+might be, from this man, the highest
+praise.</p>
+
+<p>The whole thing naturally leads to
+thought, because I have never been
+farther east than Athens in my life.</p>
+
+<p>Yet here is a man who met me in
+Shanghai. What does it mean? Can
+we possibly visit other cities in our
+sleep? Has each of us an <i>alter ego</i>,
+who can really behave, elsewhere?</p>
+
+<p>Whether we have or not, I know that
+this information about my Shanghai
+double is going to be a great nuisance
+to me. It is going to change my character.
+In fact it has already begun to
+do so. Let me give you an example.</p>
+
+<p>Only yesterday I was about to be
+very angry with a telegraph boy who
+brought back a telegram I had despatched
+about two hours earlier,
+saying that it could not be delivered
+because it was insufficiently addressed.
+Obviously it was not the boy's fault,
+for he belonged to our country post-office
+and the telegram had been sent
+to London and was returned from there;
+and yet I started to abuse that boy as
+though he were not only the <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span>
+himself but the inventor
+of red-tape into the bargain.
+And all for a piece of carelessness of
+my own.</p>
+
+<p>And then suddenly I remembered
+Shanghai and how delightful I was
+there. And I shut up instantly and
+apologised and rewrote the message
+and gave the boy a shilling for himself.
+If one could be delightful in
+Shanghai one must be delightful at
+home too.</p>
+
+<p>And so it is going to be. There is
+very little fun for me in the future,
+and all because of that nice-mannered
+man in Shanghai whom I must not
+disgrace. For it would be horrible if
+one day a lady told him that she
+had overheard someone who had met
+him in London and found him to be
+a bear.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HERRICK TO JULIA.</h3>
+
+<h3>(<i>War Edition</i>).</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When as in silks my Julia goes</p>
+<p>Then, then (methinks) how wanton shows</p>
+<p>That efflorescence of her clothes.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But when I cast mine eyes and see</p>
+<p>Her drest for decent industry,</p>
+<p>Oh, how that plainness taketh me!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span>
+
+<h3>FOR TRAITORS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/233.png"><img width="100%" src="images/233.png" alt=""/></a><p>A WARNING TO PROMOTERS OF STRIKES IN WAR-TIME.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, March 28th.</i>&mdash;Sir <span class="sc">Edward
+Carson</span> was back on the Front Opposition
+Bench to-day, so much the better
+for his recent rest-cure that he is
+credited with the desire to prescribe
+similar treatment for other jaded politicians.
+Three of the potential patients&mdash;the
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>, the <span class="sc">Foreign
+Secretary</span> and the <span class="sc">Minister of Munitions</span>&mdash;have
+anticipated his kindly
+suggestion by going for a little
+trip on the Seine, and are
+making arrangements with
+their Continental friends for
+another on the Spree at a
+later date.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%" src="images/234.png" alt=""/></a><p>REST CURES.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sir Edward Carson, M.D., anxious to prescribe.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Before his departure Mr.
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, ever thoughtful
+for the welfare of others,
+arranged with the Military
+authorities to give a change
+of scene to six members of
+the Clyde Workers' Committee,
+who have been recently over-straining
+their vocal chords.
+This was the impression I got
+from Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span>, who, like
+his great namesake, is a master
+of the bland style; but Sir
+<span class="sc">Edward Carson</span> thrust aside
+official euphemism and bluntly
+inquired whether these men
+were not in fact assisting the
+<span class="sc">King's</span> enemies, and ought not
+to be indicted for high treason.</p>
+
+<p>The suppression of a number
+of <i>Sinn Fein</i> papers in Ireland
+stimulated Mr. <span class="sc">Ginnell</span> to the
+concoction of a Question about
+as long as a leading article.
+To ensure a reply he addressed
+it simultaneously to the <span class="sc">Under
+Secretary for War</span> and the
+<span class="sc">Chief Secretary for Ireland</span>.
+In spite of this precaution
+he was disappointed,
+for, owing to the storm, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Birrell</span> had not received the
+necessary information from
+Ireland, while Mr. <span class="sc">Tennant</span>, no doubt
+for the same reason, had not even received
+the Question. Mr. <span class="sc">Ginnell</span> is
+now convinced that the official conspiracy
+against him has been joined by
+the Clerk of the Weather.</p>
+
+<p>I shall hardly be surprised if the
+next time I walk down Whitehall I
+find sandwichmen out with their boards
+inscribed&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Westminster Aerodrome.</p>
+<p>Flying every Tuesday.</p>
+<p>Billing Breaks all Records.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>The new Member for East Herts has
+displayed unprecedented dexterity in
+catching the <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> eye. In three
+weeks he has already spoken more
+columns of <i>Hansard</i> than many Members
+fill during a long Parliamentary
+career. His speech to-day consisted
+almost entirely of a catalogue of fatal
+accidents to aviators, due, he declared,
+to the faulty engines and machines
+supplied to them by the Government&mdash;"though
+within twenty miles of here
+we have a far better machine than the
+<i>Fokker</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Previous to this we had listened to
+a bright and diverting dialogue between
+Mr. <span class="sc">Dudley Ward</span>, representing the
+Anti-Aircraft Service, and Mr. <span class="sc">Joynson-Hicks</span>,
+briefed by the Municipal authorities,
+on the question of what happened
+at Ramsgate during the last
+raid. As they differed <i>in toto</i> on every
+detail the House was not much the
+wiser for the discussion, but it was
+consoled by Mr. <span class="sc">Joynson-Hicks'</span> remark
+that "if the <span class="sc">Mayor</span> and <span class="sc">Town
+Clerk</span> have lied to me no one will be
+more pleased than myself."</p>
+
+<p>Members were much more impressed
+by the obvious sincerity and occasional
+eloquence of the appeal on behalf of
+the East Coast towns made by Sir A.
+<span class="sc">Gelder</span>. His indignation at the trick
+played on one place by the Military
+authorities, who tried to allay public
+anxiety by mounting a dummy gun,
+was shared by the House.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Tennant</span> did not attempt to deny
+or palliate this imposture, but he made
+a fairly adequate reply to other counts
+of the indictment, and promised a
+judicial inquiry into the casualties
+enumerated by Mr. <span class="sc">Billing</span>. The
+revelation that he himself has a son
+in the Flying Corps was perhaps the
+most effective point in a speech which
+did not wholly remove the
+impression that the Government
+has its head in the air
+rather than its heart.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, March 29th.</i>&mdash;There
+are more ways than one
+of getting into the House of
+Commons. Mr. <span class="sc">Percy Harris</span>,
+the new Member for the Market
+Harborough division, who
+took his seat to-day, arrived by
+the old-fashioned route of a
+contested election. He was
+just about to shake hands with
+the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> when a khaki-clad
+stranger took a short cut
+from the Gallery and reached
+the floor <i>per saltum</i>. Not only
+so, but before he could be
+arrested this Messenger from
+Mars succeeded in delivering
+his maiden speech, to the
+effect that British soldiers'
+heads should be protected
+against shrapnel-fire. The
+<span class="sc">Serjeant-at-Arms</span>, who had
+had a narrow escape, goes
+further, holding the view that
+his own head should be protected
+from acrobatic British
+soldiers.</p>
+
+<p>To-day Mr. <span class="sc">Long</span> had the
+difficult task of convincing the
+House that the married men
+had no grievance, and that
+the Government were doing
+their best to remove it. Only
+a man who has fought with
+bulls in Ireland could hope to
+tackle such a paradox. Mr. <span class="sc">Long</span>,
+having enjoyed that experience, was
+fairly successful.</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>, who had been
+expected by some people to initiate a
+raging "Down-the-Government" agitation,
+was comparatively mild, and,
+admitting that his late colleagues had
+done something, chiefly blamed them
+for not having done it earlier. Still he
+made it plain that in his view compulsion
+all round was inevitable if Prussianism
+was to be crushed. Mr. <span class="sc">Ellis
+Griffith</span> agreed with him. The Government
+ought not to bargain with the
+public; it ought to give them a clear
+and definite command. Such sentiments,
+proceeding from one who still
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>
+claimed to belong to the Liberal Party,
+shocked Sir <span class="sc">William Byles</span>. Maintaining
+that those who had voted
+against the Military Service Bill were
+the truest friends of the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>,
+he promised again to give him
+his invaluable support "if he would
+only lead us to our accustomed pasture."
+There is no justification, however,
+for the theory that the worthy
+knight is a candidate for the Order of
+the Thistle.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, March 30th.</i>&mdash;In the Lords
+to-day Viscount <span class="sc">Templetown</span> moved
+that London should be declared a prohibited
+area, with a view to removing
+the eight or nine thousand Germans
+still carrying on business there. His
+argument was a little difficult to follow,
+for it included a complaint that in Eastbourne,
+which is a prohibited area, a
+number of aliens are residing in comfort
+and affluence. The Marquis of <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>,
+usually so logical, on this
+occasion answered inconsequence by
+inconsequence. In one breath he
+asserted that to declare the whole of
+the Metropolis a prohibited area would
+throw too much work on the police;
+and in the next that it would have the
+effect of driving away large numbers of
+aliens to places not so well policed as
+London is.</p>
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Beresford</span> caught the infection.
+In the course of a long question designed
+to clear General <span class="sc">Townshend</span> of the responsibility
+for the advance upon Bagdad,
+he remarked with startling irrelevance
+that if his (Lord <span class="sc">Beresford</span>'s)
+advice had been taken by the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> the <i>Lusitania</i> would still
+be afloat and we should have lost no
+battleships in the Dardanelles. He did
+not appear to attach undue importance
+to this claim, and Lord <span class="sc">Islington</span>, who
+replied for the Government, did not
+think it necessary to make any reference
+to it, but contented himself with
+stating that the Bagdad advance was
+authorised on the advice of General
+<span class="sc">Nixon</span> and the Indian Government,
+and professing official ignorance of any
+representations on the part of General
+<span class="sc">Townshend</span>.</p>
+
+<p>In the Commons the trouble on the
+Clyde was the <i>pi&egrave;ce de r&eacute;sistance</i>.
+At Question time Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>,
+fresh from the Paris Conference, had
+to deal with a number of inquiries
+put by the little group of Scottish
+malcontents whose notion of patriotism
+is to embarrass the Government
+on each and every occasion. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Hogge</span> wanted to know when the
+<span class="sc">Minister of Munitions</span> was going to
+give the other side of the case&mdash;"the
+German side," as an interrupter pertinently
+put it; and Mr. <span class="sc">Pringle</span> intimated
+that a settlement could have been
+reached but for the unreasonableness of
+the Government.</p>
+
+<p>This gave Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span>, usually the
+mildest-mannered man that ever lanced
+a gumboil, an opportunity of administering
+to big accuser a much-needed
+lesson in deportment. The hon. Member
+had first forced himself, without
+invitation, into a private conversation
+in the Minister's room, and had then
+given a totally misleading account of
+what took place. He had made himself
+the spokesman of a body which had
+displayed "a treacherous disregard of
+the highest national interests."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Pringle</span> was as much surprised
+as if he had been bitten by a rabbit,
+and wound up an unconvincing defence
+of himself with the remark that he
+would rather keep silence than say
+anything to exacerbate feeling. It is a
+pity that his friend Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span> did not
+imitate this wise if rather tardy reticence.
+He gave Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>
+the lie when he was describing how
+the disputes had interfered with the
+supply of guns urgently needed by the
+Army, and provoked the retort that,
+instead of encouraging the strikers by
+unfounded suggestions, he would be
+better employed if "with what credit
+is left to him" he went down to the
+Clyde and tried to get them to work.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%" src="images/235.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>She.</i> "<span class="sc">Good gracious! The Brown-Smiths!! I
+thought they were so poor</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes. But, you see, he's been supplying the Government
+with shells for quite a fortnight!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span>
+
+<h2>A LETTER TO THE FRONT.</h2>
+
+<p>"Kin yer write a letter?"</p>
+
+<p>"More or less," I said. I did not
+rate myself with Madame <span class="sc">de Sta&euml;l</span> nor
+with <span class="sc">Edward Fitzgerald</span>, but I forebore
+to mention these names because
+I thought that they would not be
+familiar to my questioner. If you happen
+to know Paradise Rents, Fulham,
+you will realise that neither
+Madame <span class="sc">de Sta&euml;l</span>, nor <span class="sc">Fitzgerald</span> is much
+read there. Moreover, the type that
+addressed me had not the aspect of a
+literary man.</p>
+
+<p>He was a man of some seven years,
+maybe, in company with a younger
+man, perhaps of five. He was hatless,
+coatless, waistcoatless, but he had a pair
+of trousers, short in the leg, precariously
+held by one brace. That
+is the fashion in Paradise
+Rents. I had come upon these
+two young men about Fulham
+as they were staring with absorbed
+interest into the undertaker's
+shop advantageously
+situated for custom at the
+corner of the Rents and the
+main street. Certainly it was
+a pleasant window. Besides
+the legends and texts, the artificial
+wreaths and the pictures
+of tombs and tombstones, there
+was a number of model coffins
+in miniature. It was these
+that had fascinated the attention
+of the two young men.</p>
+
+<p>"I should like one o' them
+to ply with," said the elder
+covetously.</p>
+
+<p>"What would yer do with
+it, Bill?" the younger asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I'd put the old <span class="sc">Kayser</span> in it, along
+wi' Farver."</p>
+
+<p>It is rude to laugh at other people's
+conversation, particularly if you have
+not been introduced to them, but I
+caught myself in an audible chuckle
+over this fine blend of patriotic and
+filial sentiment. Then I pulled myself
+but not in time; I had been
+detected.</p>
+
+<p>If you wish to know what it is to be
+stared at, you should interrupt, as I
+had, a conversation between two
+young men of about this age in
+Fulham or elsewhere. They stared in
+unison and in silence until the tension
+became unbearable, and one of them,
+the elder, whose name was Bill, relieved
+it with the above quest on, "Kin yer
+write a letter?"</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps my answer was a little
+modest. He regarded me doubtfully,
+then asked&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Ow soon kin yer write a letter?"</p>
+
+<p>"You mean, how long does it take
+me to write a letter?"</p>
+
+<p>He nodded his head vehemently.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I began, "it rather depends,
+you know, on what there is to say." I
+saw dissatisfaction cloud his face, and
+hastened to add, "Oh, well, about ten
+minutes."</p>
+
+<p>At that his expression cleared to
+astonishment. Passing that emotion,
+it went to incredulity. It was a beautifully
+legible face, though everything
+but clean. He made up his mind.</p>
+
+<p>"Will yer come," he asked, "and
+write a letter for my granmother?"</p>
+
+<p>We were on the heels of adventure
+now; no one could say what new
+country this might lead to.</p>
+
+<p>"Where does she live?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Just round the corner, two doors
+from my Great-aunt Maria's," he said,
+astonished that I should not know,</p>
+
+<p>"Lead on," I said, concealing my
+ignorance of the residence of great-aunt
+Maria.</p>
+
+<p>He took me by the hand, which I
+could not in courtesy decline, and led
+me down Paradise Rents.</p>
+
+<p>As a rule, in Paradise Rents, front
+doors stand open to the street, but
+the door of Number 5, the abode of
+Bill's grandmother, was shut. On tip-toe
+and with a strenuous effort Bill
+reached the latch. The door opened
+and Bill shouted through it, by way of
+introduction:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"She says she kin write a letter in
+ten minutes."</p>
+
+<p>The person addressed, whom I understood
+to be the grandmother, was
+engaged in scrubbing with a duster a
+deal table already clean enough to
+make Bill's face much ashamed of itself.
+She was a large heavy old woman,
+with a round colourless visage that
+suggested the full moon by daylight,
+and wispy grey locks like a nimbus
+about it.</p>
+
+<p>"Lor bless the child, Mum!" she
+exclaimed. "Bill, whatever d'yer mean
+by it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Says she kin write a letter in ten
+minutes," Bill repeated, with the emphasis
+of grave doubt on the "says."</p>
+
+<p>"Bless the child, Mum! I don't
+know whatever 'e's been saying. It's
+truth as I did say as I wished I 'ad
+someone as could write a letter for me
+to my son Frank, it being 'is birthday
+Tuesday and 'im out at the Front.
+But there, it's not to say, as I can't
+write a letter myself if I'm so minded,
+but I'm no great scholard and it do
+take me a long time to finish&mdash;each
+day a word or two. About a week it
+take me to write a letter, such a letter
+as I'd wish to write to Frank out at
+the Front, for 'is birthday, to cheer
+'im up."</p>
+
+<p>"Frank's Bill's father, I
+suppose?" I said, by way of
+filling an asthmatic pause.</p>
+
+<p>"Lor bless yer, no, Mum.
+Bill's father wouldn't never
+go into no more danger than
+what 'e'd find at the Red
+Lion. Married my pore
+daughter 'e did, as died&mdash;a
+mercy for 'er, pore thing!
+That's 'ow it is Bill's living
+along o' me."</p>
+
+<p>"I see," I said. "Well, now&mdash;about
+the letter?"</p>
+
+<p>A space more liberal than
+the operation strictly needed
+was cleared for me on the
+polished deal table; a penny
+ink-bottle and a pen with a
+rusty but still useful nib set
+upon it, and from a special
+drawer, with a solemnity that
+of the character of
+sacred ritual, Mrs. Watt, as Bill's
+grandmother informed me she was
+called, drew forth a single sheet of
+notepaper. Its dimensions had been
+heavily curtailed by the deepest border
+of mourning black that I ever had
+seen on English writing-paper. Other
+nations surpass us in this evidence of
+respect, but Mrs. Watt's paper was calculated
+to raise the national standard.</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't this," I said, "rather&mdash;I
+mean is it quite suited for a birthday
+letter, to cheer up Frank in the
+trenches?"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Watt took the suggestion in
+quite good part, but gave it a decided
+negative.</p>
+
+<p>"'E would wish respect showed to
+'is Aunt Maria, as died Wednesday
+was a fortnight. You might tell 'im
+that, if you please, Mum."</p>
+
+<p>I started off, as bidden, with this
+mournful communication, under
+the eye, at first severely critical, then
+frankly admiring, of Bill's grandmother.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span>
+
+<p>"Lor," she exclaimed, "you be one
+to write the words quick!"</p>
+
+<p>"What shall we say now?" I asked
+brightly.</p>
+
+<p>"Wednesday was a fortnight as she
+died, sister Maria did, that's Frank's
+aunt, and was buried a Saturday&mdash;what's
+too soon, as you'd say, but
+no disrespect meant, the undertaker
+arranging first for the Monday&mdash;only
+'aving a bigger job, with 'orses and
+plumes, give'im for the Monday, and so
+putting my pore sister forward to the
+Saturday. 'Ave you got that down,
+Mum?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," I said, scribbling briskly, "am
+I to write all that?" It occupied, even
+with much compression, space far into
+the second side of the restricted paper.</p>
+
+<p>"An' my only relative surviving,"
+she resumed, "being brother George,
+as is eighty-two, and crotchety at that,
+lives out 'Oxton way, so I wrote to him
+about the funeral for a Monday, and
+when the undertaker puts it forward to
+the Saturday I didn't have no one to
+send all that way, so brother George&mdash;'e's
+eighty-two, and crotchety at that&mdash;'e
+didn't get no notice for the funeral
+on Saturday at all, so o' course 'e didn't
+come. You'll make all that clear to
+Frank, won't you, Mum?"</p>
+
+<p>I scribbled hard again, and said I
+was doing my best.</p>
+
+<p>"So brother George being crotchety,
+as I said, Mum, 'e sent me word as 'e
+wouldn't never speak to me again in
+this world, and 'e didn't know as ever
+'e would in the world to come&mdash;I'd
+like you to put that all in, please,
+Mum, so's to let Frank know 'ow it
+all is. Now, do you suppose, Mum,
+if I was to die, as brother George'd
+come to my funeral?"</p>
+
+<p>I hardly knew what answer to make
+after the "cut everlasting" with which
+George had threatened his sister, but
+I had an idea that I was beginning to
+understand Mrs. Watt's tastes. "Well,"
+I said weakly, "I don't know&mdash;funerals
+are very pleasant things."</p>
+
+<p>It was the right note and Mrs. Watt
+took it up keenly. "That's what I
+always says, Mum," she said eagerly.
+"I'd sooner go to a good funeral than
+I would a wedding any day of the week.
+You've got that down about brother
+George? Yes, and please say as it was
+beautiful polished wood, the coffin&mdash;and
+real brass 'andles."</p>
+
+<p>"But, Mrs. Watt," I said despairingly,
+"that'll bring us quite to the
+end of the paper, and we've never even
+wished him many happy returns yet.
+Have you another sheet?"</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't got no more than the one
+sheet, but I dessay as there's room to
+say as I'm his loving mother, and
+'ope it finds 'im well, as it leaves me."</p>
+
+<p>I managed to pinch in the traditional
+salutation; the sheet was enclosed in
+an envelope as sepulchral of aspect
+as itself, and with much misgiving I
+put Frank's birthday letter into the
+first pillar-box that I found.</p>
+
+<p>Just a week later I had occasion to
+go down Paradise Rents again. I had
+no intention of calling on Mrs. Watt,
+being more than a little afraid of the
+reception that her son Frank might
+have accorded to the letter that was
+to bring bright cheer to his birthday.
+But she ran from her door as I passed
+to meet and greet me. "Do step in,
+Mum," she entreated. "I must 'ave
+you see a letter as come this morning
+from my son Frank, as is at the Front.
+Read that, if you please, Mum."</p>
+
+<p>"She must be a real lady that wot
+comes visiting you," it said. "That
+was a letter as she wrote. I don't
+know as ever I read such a beautiful
+letter. All the trench 'as read it, and
+they says so too."</p>
+
+<p>I sighed heavily with relief. Mrs.
+Watt was a judge of her son's literary
+taste.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>EASIER SAID THAN DONE.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/236.png"><img width="100%" src="images/236.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Tommies (singing).</i> "<span class="sc">Keep the home fires burning</span>".</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%" src="images/237.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Visitor (at private hospital).</i> "<span class="sc">Can I see
+Lieutenant Barker, please?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Matron.</i> "<span class="sc">We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if
+you're a relative?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Visitor (boldly).</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, yes! I'm his sister.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Matron.</i> "<span class="sc">Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. <i>I'm his
+mother.</i></span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span>
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<h3>"Stand and Deliver."</h3>
+
+<p>The Merry Monarch's world is too
+much with us. I can't imagine what
+it is in that period that our actor-managers
+find so peculiarly appropriate
+to present conditions, when we need all
+the inspiration we can get out of our
+country's annals. It seems only the
+other day that in the same theatre,
+His Majesty's&mdash;the play was <i>Mavourneen</i>&mdash;I
+was assisting at a rout (is
+that the word?) of Restoration society.
+And here we have it all over again
+with the same scheme of a pretty <i>d&eacute;butante</i>
+near to being compromised by
+the Royal favour; with the old galaxy
+of Court ladies inexplicably gay; the
+same old Duke of <span class="sc">Buckingham</span>; the
+old dull sport of improvisations; the
+old pathetic lack of wit; a <i>r&eacute;chauff&eacute;</i>
+only tempered by slight variations,
+such as the substitution of <span class="sc">Lely</span> for
+<span class="sc">Pepys</span>, and the failure of the Monarch
+himself to put in an appearance.</p>
+
+<p>For the rest, a generous allowance
+of swashbuckling, of kidnapping, of
+standing and delivering, of interludes
+for dancing and gallantry&mdash;in a word
+all the approved features of the High
+Toby. Nothing, you will guess, that
+threatened to overstrain our intelligence,
+but enough for the moderate
+excitation of those sympathies which
+we always concede to heroic villainy.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>clou</i> of the evening was the
+scene of the waylaying of his lover's
+coach by <i>Claude Duval</i> on the Newmarket
+road. Animals on the stage (as
+distinct from the circus-ring) always
+make me nervous. Mr. <span class="sc">Bourchier</span>
+seemed to have anticipated my apprehension.
+On the approach of the
+travellers, having hitherto, with his
+horse's consent, sat motionless at the
+cross-roads, he retired with it into the
+wings and there dismounted and continued
+the scene on foot. But the
+memory of those few moments of
+superb equitation remained with the
+audience, and when, at the fall of the
+curtain, he led his steed forward by the
+bridle (a just tribute to its connivance)
+the pair of them brought down the
+house&mdash;and not the scenery, as I had
+feared.</p>
+
+<p>I am no pedant that I should cavil
+at Mr. <span class="sc">Justin Huntly McCarthy's</span> re-adjustment
+of history. It was all for
+our delight that <i>Claude Duval</i>, instead
+of perishing on the scaffold, should
+escape from prison, have his freedom
+confirmed by the <span class="sc">King's</span> pardon, confound
+everybody else's knavish tricks
+and marry the lady of his heart. Nor
+do I complain that the historic highwayman
+(as I am credibly informed&mdash;for
+I got the facts from another critic)
+was only twenty-nine when they hanged
+him, and that Mr. <span class="sc">Bourchier</span> is&mdash;well,
+let me say, past the military age,
+or he wouldn't have been there at all.
+At the same time he will not mind my
+saying that, though he brought a very
+gallant spirit to his work, he lacked
+something of that resilience which is
+so desirable a quality in a Chevalier of
+the Road. Perhaps I liked best in
+him the quiet restraint with which he
+met the assaults of <i>Orange Moll</i> upon
+his loyalty to his lady. He was not
+given very many good things to say, but
+he made up for this defect by dropping
+his aspirates and talking in what I
+took to be a Serbian accent.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%" src="images/238.png" alt=""/></a><p>RIVER SCENE NEAR WESTMINSTER.</p>
+
+<p><i>Claude Duval</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Bourchier</span>) disposes of
+his rival, <i>de Pontac</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Murray Carrington</span>)
+in a riparian duel.</p></div>
+
+<p>Not much subtlety was asked of
+Miss <span class="sc">Kyrle Bellew</span> as <i>Duval's</i> lover,
+<i>Berinthia</i>; but she seemed to have
+learned a little more sincerity and to
+depend less upon the prettiness of her
+face and her frocks. Of Miss <span class="sc">Miriam
+Lewes</span> as <i>Orange Moll</i> something
+more was demanded, and I should have
+enjoyed without reservation her very
+picturesque performance but for a
+certain stage-quality in her voice
+which was out of all consonance with
+the part she had to play. Mr. <span class="sc">Jerrold
+Robertshaw</span> as <i>Justice Hogben</i> was
+a most attractive old reprobate; Mr.
+<span class="sc">Charles Rock</span> as a strolling mummer
+played like the sound actor he is; and
+indeed the whole cast&mdash;and not least
+in the smallest parts, such as Mr.
+<span class="sc">Hartford's</span> drunken <i>Gaoler</i> and Mr.
+<span class="sc">Pease's</span> <i>Dognose</i>, with his delightfully
+unemotional "Ay! ay!"&mdash;did very
+well indeed.</p>
+
+<p>If the play opens rather deliberately
+there is no lack of action when once it
+gets moving; but it was an exercise of
+bodies rather than of minds. Swords
+flashed; barkers were flourished
+(though they never went off); feet
+twinkled in the dance, and Mr. <span class="sc">Murray
+Carrington</span> took several astounding
+falls; but wits remained stationary. I
+do not wish to appear exigent, but as
+one who likes to be amused as well as
+entertained I could easily have done
+with a little more scintillation.</p>
+
+<p>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"INJER."</h2>
+
+<h3>(To the Author of "The Grand Tour,"
+"Punch," January 26th, 1916.)</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I read your lines the other day;</p>
+<p class="i2">You got it down in black an' white;</p>
+<p>You seen them places wot you say;</p>
+<p class="i2">Well, I seen Injer&mdash;and you're right.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>You never know. I took the bob</p>
+<p class="i2">The days o' Mons an' Charley Roy;</p>
+<p>Flanders, I thought, 'ud do my job,</p>
+<p class="i2">An' me no better than a boy.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But some'ow Flanders got a miss,</p>
+<p class="i2">An' I came East, the same as you,</p>
+<p>Right East, an' finished up wi' this;</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>I</i> seen them towns and islands too.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But Injer! Lor, it's like a book</p>
+<p class="i2">Or like a bloomin' fancy ball;</p>
+<p>There's somethin' every way you look,</p>
+<p class="i2">An' me&mdash;young me&mdash;I seen it all.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I know about them "dark bazaars"&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">An' dark they is&mdash;I know them skies,</p>
+<p>An' suns an' moons an' silver stars</p>
+<p class="i2">An' 'ummin'-birds an' fiery-flies.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I seen the palms an' parrokeets,</p>
+<p class="i2">I've 'eard the jackals in the night,</p>
+<p>I've ate them beas'ly Injian sweets</p>
+<p class="i2">An' smelt the Injian fires alight.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But I'm with you, old P. an' O.;</p>
+<p class="i2">The goin' 'ome'll be the best;</p>
+<p>An' not the 'ome we useter know,</p>
+<p class="i2">But better, 'cos we've known the rest.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>TUBANTIA CRIME.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Sworn Evidence of Torpedo.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Liverpool Daily Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We hope it confessed its crime.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The village is in utter darkness these
+nights, and many of the lamp-posts are
+getting severe knocks, not speaking of the
+foot pedestrians."&mdash;<i>Ardrossan Herald.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Some of the foot pedestrians are said
+to have been less reticent about the
+lamp-posts.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Would</span> patriotic owner <span class="sc">LEND INCUBATOR</span>
+or Foster increase British production, or buy
+cheap? Every care; experienced; eggs waiting;
+ineligible; clergy ref."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It is a little cryptic; but we gather
+that, at any rate, the partial soundness
+of these eggs will be guaranteed by the
+curate.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%" src="images/239.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Sentry (at Remount Camp).</i> <span class="sc">"Halt! Who goes there?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Weary Voice.</i> <span class="sc">"One friend and two mules."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MIVINS'S NEW BOOKS.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Mivins begs to present</span></p>
+
+<p>FOUR WONDERFUL WORKS</p>
+
+<p>BY</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Four astounding Authors</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PRINCE CHARMING.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">By Egbert Gunn</span></p>
+
+<p>(<i>Third large edition already exhausted</i>).</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"An incomparable achievement. The
+uniquest thing yet done by Mr. <span class="sc">Gunn</span>. He
+has eclipsed Balzac, wiped the floor with
+George Sand, while panting Tolstoi 'toils
+after him in vain.'"&mdash;<i>Daily Exhaust.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>POTLAND FOR EVER!</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">By Roland Sennett.</span></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The greatest literary portent of all time.
+Here the Black Country is painted in all its
+inspissated gloom by a master-hand&mdash;sardonic,
+salubrious, superb.... We approach this
+work on all-fours. Any other attitude on the
+part of a reviewer would be sheer blasphemy."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Monthly Margarine.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE UNPLUMBED ABYSS.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">By Drax Homer.</span></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<i>First great Notice</i>: "By the side of Mr. Drax
+Homer, Edgar Allan Poe is a fumbler, and
+Gaboriau the veriest tiro. In these supremely
+arresting pages Mr. Drax Homer voices the
+cosmic mystery with unerring skill, and ranges
+over the whole gamut of the gruesome. He is
+the Napoleon of sensation, the Julius C&aelig;sar
+of melodrama."&mdash;<i>Daily Idolater.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Book of the Day.</i></p>
+
+<p>BRANDENBURG BABIES</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">By Guinevere Jaggers.</span></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Of all the hundreds of English governesses
+privileged to enter the <i>penetralia</i> of Potsdam,
+Miss Jaggers had the longest innings and
+writes with most authority. Her record teems
+with astounding happenings, appalling revelations
+and grotesque episodes.... There is
+nothing to touch it in the annals of candour.
+Pepys is not in the same street and Benvenuto
+Cellini not in the same parish. We
+recommend it to the perusal of the Premier&mdash;if
+he has the courage to tackle it."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Oil and Vinegar Witness.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Before the Hyde Election&mdash;</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. Davies maintains his optimism. He
+has reprinted one of his cartoons showing him
+chattering the party walls of 'Jacobson's
+Jellicoe,' with the big gun of efficiency."</p>
+
+<p><i>Manchester Evening Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But this attempt to drag the Navy into
+politics met with deserved failure.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Dwellers in the trenches are not the only
+fighters who know what it is to be up to the
+knees in seven feet of water."</p>
+
+<p><i>Liverpool Daily Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We believe the Anakim were greatly
+troubled in this way.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"MATLOCK'S VETERAN SOLDIER HONOURED.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">154 Years in the Army.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>High Peak News.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>A veteran indeed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN</h2>
+
+<h3>IV.&mdash;Petticoat Lane.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Up the Lane and down the Lane and all round about</p>
+<p>The Petticoats on washing-day are all hanging out;</p>
+<p>Some are made of linsey-woolsey, some are made of silk,</p>
+<p>Some of them are green as grass and some are white as milk;</p>
+<p>Frilled and flounced and quilted ones in Petticoat Lane,</p>
+<p>Some are worked in coloured nosegays, some of them are plain,</p>
+<p>Some are striped with red and blue as gaudy as can be,</p>
+<p>And one is sprigged with lavender, and that's the one for me.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Sir <span class="sc">A. Mond</span> said that the married men's
+grievance was that they might be called up
+before the tooth-combing process of which the
+right hon. gentleman had spoken had been
+carried out."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It sounds painful. Personally we intend
+to stick to the old-fashioned brush.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. Lloyd George, replying to Mr. Cowan,
+said the total salary received by Lloyd Kitchener
+was &pound;6,250."</p>
+
+<p><i>Portsmouth Evening News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This is the first we have heard of this
+highly-remunerated official. We hope
+it is not a case of nepotism.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h3>
+
+<p>A literature of <i>Antarcticana</i> is gradually growing up,
+and the last volume, <i>With Scott: The Silver Lining</i> (<span class="sc">Smith,
+Elder</span>), is a notable addition to it. Let me say at once
+that I opened Mr. <span class="sc">Griffith Taylor's</span> book with some
+trembling because I saw the difficulties in the way of its
+success. In the first place I recalled the simple dignity with
+which <span class="sc">Scott</span> wrote of his exploits, and I felt that to fall
+away from this high standard would be to fail; secondly,
+anyone writing now of this expedition must to a certain
+extent travel over ground already covered. These are the
+main difficulties which Mr. <span class="sc">Taylor</span> had to fight against,
+and he has overcome them. To a writer of his fluency and
+particular vein of humour it could not have been an easy
+task to put a right restraint upon his pen. The only
+criticism I have to pass on his style is that it could quite
+comfortably have done without
+the cloud of notes of
+exclamation in which it is
+enveloped. Apart from its
+great scientific value the
+main interest of the book
+is found in the light that it
+casts upon the characters of
+the author's companions.
+His observation is always
+shrewd and always kindly;
+you are left to guess his
+dislikes from his omissions.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Taylor</span> was himself in
+command, during <span class="sc">Scott's</span>
+last expedition, of two parties,
+and of the work done
+on these journeys he writes
+with the modesty characteristic
+of men who speak
+of dangers and adventures
+in which they have personally
+taken part. One
+opinion of his I cannot refrain
+from quoting; it is
+that the tragedy of <span class="sc">Scott's</span>
+expedition was caused by
+Seaman <span class="sc">Evans's</span> illness.
+"I believe that, short of
+abandonment, the party had
+no hope with a sick man on their hands." No tale of
+heroism that the War has given us can obscure the noble
+loyalty of this sacrifice. And to-day, when some of us
+have neither the time nor the taste for lighter things, there
+should be a grateful welcome for a book that deals with
+men whose courage and endurance remain the imperishable
+possession of our race.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Somewhere towards the end of <i>The Tragedy of an Indiscretion</i>
+(<span class="sc">Lane</span>), we arrive at the Court of Criminal Appeal,
+where, in the course of unravelling the plot, one of the
+judges is moved to exclaim, "This is the most hopelessly
+complicated story I ever had the pain of listening to!"
+His lordship certainly has my sympathy. Personally speaking,
+the first twenty pages of it nearly gave me a nervous
+breakdown, so wild and whirling were the events into
+which it plunged. Let me start the thing for you. <i>Ronald
+Warrington</i>, who was heir to the aged <i>Duke of Glenstaffen</i>,
+eloped with <i>Mrs. Greville</i>, assuming for no very understandable
+reason the name of his friend and secretary,
+<i>Essendine</i>. So, the pair being established at an hotel, the
+supposed <i>Mr. E.</i> goes to a station to buy an evening paper,
+is fallen upon by the real one, and thrust into a train to
+attend the deathbed of his ducal relative. <i>Essendine</i> himself,
+entering the hotel to explain matters to the lady, finds
+(1) that she is the wife who divorced him before marrying
+<i>Greville</i>; (2) that she has just died of heart disease. Next,
+being of a placidity almost inhuman, he decides to bury the
+corpse as that of his wife, and not worry anyone with
+explanations. What he didn't know then, or I either,
+was that another lady was at the moment gadding about
+London in one of <i>Mrs. Greville's</i> cast-off frocks, and pretending
+to be that much-married female. And when in
+due course she is murdered, and the strangely apathetic
+widower, <i>Mr. Greville</i>, who never set eyes upon her, is
+arrested for the crime&mdash;well, you may begin to think that
+the judge's remark was an understatement. What I should
+like to ask Mr. <span class="sc">J. W. Brodie-Innes</span> is, if this is his notion
+of an "indiscretion," what would he have to say of a real
+social error?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>AT THE MUSEUM.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%" src="images/240.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Soldier (on leave from the trenches visiting the
+sights of London&mdash;before enlarged model of common flea).</i> <span class="sc">"Yes,
+that's it, father! That's the kind I was tellin' you about. But it ain't
+much of a specimen."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The name of the author
+of <i>Youth Unconquerable</i>
+(<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) is given on
+the title-page as <i>Percy
+Ross</i>. But I would willingly
+take a small wager
+on the probability that this
+name conceals a feminine
+identity. For one thing, no
+mere man surely would
+attempt the task of depicting
+the sweet girl graduate
+in her native lair, often
+as the converse has been
+done. Certainly it is improbable
+that he would manage
+to convey such an impression
+of actuality. For I am
+sure the life of an Oxford
+ladies' college must be, for
+many, very much what it
+was for <i>Cherry Hawthorn</i>.
+But I am afraid this is
+about all that I can honestly
+say in praise of the story.
+<i>Cherry</i> was a young woman
+with red hair (it is bright
+vermilion in the ugly picture
+of her on the cover) and no fortune. Her late father
+had made her the joint ward of two young men, one an
+Italian prince, and one a semi-insane Welshman. <i>Cherry</i>
+accepted this provision with a promising placidity. She, and
+I, anticipated marriage with one or other of the guardians.
+But that was before we had seen them. The Italian turned
+out to be silly, while the Welshman recalled the gloomier
+imaginings of the <span class="sc">Bront&euml;s</span>, and in the event came by an
+appropriately violent end. However there was a third
+suitor, a Scotch Duke, so all was well. Perhaps the tale
+may have more success with others than with me. But I
+am bound to warn you that the style of it is a wild and
+wonderful thing. One is, for example, unprepared to find a
+gentleman's hat and stick referred to as "his extra-mural
+accoutrements." And this is no rare example. The whole
+thing, in fact, seems more suitable to a very popular
+magazine than to the dignity of that exclusive little windmill
+that forms the <span class="sc">Heinemann</span> hall-mark.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Our Precisionists.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Tricycle</span> for Sale cheap, 3 wheels."&mdash;<i>Suburban Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, April 5, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+April 5, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, April 5, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22873]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+
+
+April 5, 1916
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A SEVERE blizzard hit London last week, and Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING has
+since been heard to admit, however reluctantly, that there are other
+powers of the air.
+
+       ***
+
+After more than five weeks the bubble blown by Sir JAMES DEWAR at the
+Royal Institution on February 17th has burst. A still larger bubble,
+blown by some eminent German scientists as long ago as August, 1914, is
+said to be on the point of dissolution.
+
+       ***
+
+At one of the North London Tribunals a maker of meat pies applied for
+exemption on the ground that he had a conscientious objection to taking
+life. His application was refused, the tribunal apparently being of the
+opinion that a man who knew all about meat pies could decimate the
+German forces without striking a blow.
+
+       ***
+
+Colonel ROOSEVELT says he has found a bird that lives in a cave, eats
+nuts, barks like a dog and has whiskers; and the political wiseacres in
+Washington are asking who it can be.
+
+       ***
+
+An exciting hockey match was played on Saturday between a team of
+policemen and another composed of special constables. The policemen
+won--by a few feet.
+
+       ***
+
+For gallantry at the ovens a German master-baker has just been awarded
+the Iron Cross. This is probably intended as a sop to the Army bakers,
+who are understood to have regarded it as a slight upon their calling
+that hitherto this distinction has been largely reserved for people who
+have shown themselves to be efficient butchers.
+
+       ***
+
+At a meeting of barbers held in the City a few days ago it was
+unanimously decided to raise the price of a shave to _3d._ The reason,
+it was explained, was the high cost of living, which tempted the
+customers to eat far more soap than formerly.
+
+       ***
+
+In the Lambeth Police Court a man was convicted of stealing three
+galvanized iron roofs. His explanation that he had had the good fortune
+to win them at an auction bridge party was rejected by the Court.
+
+       ***
+
+A Mr. R. H. PEARCE, writing to _The Times_, says: "I once lived in a
+house where my neighbour (a lady) kept twelve cats." Mr. PEARCE is
+probably unique in his experience. Our own neighbours only go so far as
+to arrange for the entertainment of their cats in our garden.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIRST CASUALTY OF THE NON-COMBATANT CORPS.
+
+[Illustration: _Red Cross Man._ "What is it?"
+
+_Stretcher-bearer._ "Shock. He was digging and he cut a worm in half."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Appropriate Locale.
+
+    "Bohemian Picture Theatre, Phibsboro' To-day for Three Days
+    Only, Justus Miles Forman's Exciting Story, The Garden of Lies."
+
+    _Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VARIETIES.
+
+    "A word that is always spelled swrong.--W-r-o-n-g."--_Wellington
+    Journal._
+
+We don't believe this is true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WEAR NO MORE CLOTHES than are absolutely
+    necessary."
+
+    _Dundee Courier._
+
+Several cases of shock are reported among ladies who got no further than
+the large type lines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART IN WAR-TIME.
+
+    [_A fragmentary essay in up-to-date criticism of any modern
+    Exhibition--the R. A. excluded._]
+
+In the Central Hall the Reduplicated Praeteritists, the Tangentialists
+and the Paraphrasts are all well represented. Mr. Orguly Bolp's large
+painting, entitled "Embrocation," is an interesting experiment in the
+handling of aplanatic surfaces, in which the toxic determinants are
+harmonized by a sort of plastic _meiosis_ with syncopated rhythms. His
+other large picture, "Interior of a Dumbbell by Night," has the same
+basic idea without the appearance of it, and gives a very vital sense of
+the elimination of noumenal perceptivity. M. Paparrigopoulo, the Greek
+Paraphrast, calls one of his pictures "The Antecedent," another "The
+Relative," and a third "The Correlative," but though they are thus
+united syntactically each follows its own reticulation to a logical
+conclusion, and carries with it a spiritual sanction, not always
+coherent perhaps, but none the less satisfying. Miss Felicity
+Quackenboss's portrait of Saint Vitus is perhaps the most arresting
+contribution to the exhibition, and portrays the Saint intoxicated with
+the exuberance of his own agility. It is a very carnival of contortion.
+Mr. Widgery Pimble transcribes very searchingly the post-prandial
+lethargy of a boa-constrictor, the process of deglutition being
+indicated with great dignity and delicacy, as might be expected from so
+austere a realist. From one angle the figure might be taken for a Bengal
+tiger, and from another for a zebra--a good proof of the suggestiveness
+of the artist's method. But, whether it be reptile or quadruped, the
+spirit of repletion broods over the canvas with irresistible force. Mr.
+Thaddeus Tumulty sends some admirable drawings in _pise de terre_, one
+of which, called "The Pragmatist at Play," is a masterpiece of
+osteological _bravura_....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dr. Solff, the German Minister for the Conolies, has left for
+    Constantinople."
+
+    _Egyptian Mail._
+
+Another injustice to Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUTHFUL JAMES
+
+ON DOCTORS.
+
+"You're not looking well," said the staff of _The Muddleton Weekly
+Gazette_ sympathetically.
+
+"No, Sir. Can't sleep, Sir. Haven't done for days till last night. I
+went off beautiful quite early, and then the new nurse come and woke me
+to give me my sleeping draught. That finished it for the night. Strange
+thing, sleep. There's no sense about it. Take Bill Hawkins now, a pal of
+mine in B Company. He was hit and took to hospital. Not serious at all.
+'Me for a rest cure,' he says. But he was in that hospital for weeks and
+weeks, getting worse and worse; he couldn't sleep a wink. The more they
+drugged him, and the more sheep he counted, the more wide-awake he was.
+The doctors got angry and called him an obstinate case. He said it
+wasn't poisons but noise he needed, so they fetched an orderly and set
+him banging one of them frying-pan baths with a ram-rod. In five minutes
+Bill falls asleep as peaceful as a lamb, and the orderly, being tired,
+stops. Up leaps Bill, wide awake as ever, asking what's wrong. Naturally
+they couldn't bang a bath for him all night every night, and the house
+surgeon was just thinking about getting ready a slab in the mortuary,
+when Bill's brother, an engine-driver, comes along. He took Bill to his
+box just outside Charing Cross station and made up a bed for him there.
+Bill slept for three days solid and was about again in a week."
+
+"Very fortunate," murmured the _Gazette_.
+
+"So that time, you see, the doctors was done. But that don't often
+happen. There was a doctor I knew out there, name of Gordon. Young
+fellow he was, too, and very keen; seemed to think the War was started
+specially to give him surgical practice, and he loved his lancets more
+than his mother. He used to welcome cases with open arms, so to speak,
+do his very best to heal 'em quick, and weep when he succeeded. Well, he
+happened to be in our trench one day, showing our Sub a new case of
+knives, when Charlie Black was carried in on a stretcher in an awful
+mess.
+
+"'I must operate at once to save your life,' he says.
+
+"Charlie smiled as best he could and said he was agreeable.
+
+"'But there's no anaesthetic here,' he says, 'and I can't do it without.
+Couldn't you do a faint for me?'
+
+"Charlie says he's sorry, but he's never practised fetching a faint at
+will, like a woman can.
+
+"'Well, then,' he says, 'you'll have to be stunned.' And he fetches a
+small sandbag and gives it to the stretcher-bearer.
+
+"'Chap here,' he explains to Charlie, 'will count up slowly, and when he
+gets to fifty he'll hit you on the head with the sandbag and knock you
+out.'
+
+"Charlie grins, and the stretcher-bearer begins to count. When he gets
+to ten he rolls up his sleeves; when he gets to twenty he takes a good
+grip of the sandbag; at thirty he rolls his eyes and sticks out his jaw;
+at forty, he lifts the bag over his shoulder and draws one foot back,
+Charlie watching him all the time. 'For-ty-six,' he says slowly, 'for-ty
+seven, for-ty-eight, for-ty-nine,' and then----"
+
+"You're not going to tell me that he really----"
+
+"No, he didn't," said Truthful James. "Charlie fainted."
+
+"That was their intention, I presume?"
+
+"Your presumption is correct, Sir. The doctor finished the job before
+Charlie come to again. Smart, wasn't it?"
+
+"Very smart indeed."
+
+"But that's nothing. Nothing at all to what he could do. He once cut a
+fellow open, took out his liver, extracted twenty-three shrapnel bullets
+from it, bounced it on the floor to see it was all right, and put it
+back, all inside of three minutes. And the fellow what owns the liver
+hasn't had a to-morrow morning head-ache once since."
+
+"He must be a very clever doctor," suggested the other, to fill in a
+pause.
+
+"Talking of doctors," James went on, "reminds me of a man I saw out
+there who wasn't a doctor, leastways not one of ours. We was in the
+fire-trenches one night when a voice hails us from the other side of the
+entanglements. After the usual questions we brings him over the parapet,
+and he explains to our Sub that he's been in front attending to some
+wounded men in a listening post what was blown up. All perfectly correct
+and proper; gives his name and rank, too, and is wearing an R.A.M.C.
+uniform--rank, Captain. As he passes me on his way to the Sub's dug-out
+I happens to catch sight of his face, and it give me quite a shock. I
+was took ill immediate. I manages to stagger to the dug-out, and I
+mutters hoarsely, 'Sir, I'm sick. I think I'm going to die.'
+
+"'Sick?' says the Sub. 'You don't look sick.'
+
+"'I'm sorry, Sir,' I says.
+
+"'Well,' says he, turning to the other man, 'the Captain here will soon
+put you right.'
+
+"'Certainly,' says the Doc very sharp. 'Where do you feel pain--stomach,
+heart, head?'
+
+"'No, Sir,' says I, 'I got a nawful pain in me inn'erds.'
+
+"'What did you say?' he asks.
+
+"'In me inn'erds, Sir,' I says, 'spreading from me gizzard to me
+probossis,' them being the only out-of-the-way words I could think of
+off-hand.
+
+"'H'm,' says he, pretending to understand perfectly, 'it is probably
+nothing serious. You must diet yourself; take nothing but light food
+and----'
+
+"Here the Sub interrupts him, thinking there's something mighty queer
+about a doctor what is so ready to prescribe diet for a probossis, and
+asks him a lot more questions. Of course the beer was in the sawdust
+then, and very soon a guard was called up to take our German Captain
+Doctor Spy away to a safe place.
+
+"It was lucky I knew his face. Before perfidjus Albion forced this war
+on the poor KAYSER I'd seen him often in London. He was boss of a firm
+above the place where I worked, and he used to order his Huns about in
+their own language, and chuck his empty lager bottles out of his window
+into our yard. I'm glad I got my own back for that."
+
+"Jim," cried an orderly, "you're wanted for your dressing."
+
+James rose languidly. "That means na-poo, then, Sir," he said.
+
+"Na-poo?" echoed the _Gazette_.
+
+"Where's your learning, Sir?" asked James. "That's French for 'no
+more.'"
+
+"I hope your dressing will not be painful," ventured the other.
+
+"How would you like to have a probe rammed through your hand twice a
+day?" demanded James with a smile. "But it's all part of the game.
+Comforts for Tommy. Everyone has their own way of making us happy, not
+forgetting the dear lady what sent us three hundred little lavender
+bags, with pretty little bows on them, all sewn by herself, to keep our
+linen sweetly perfumed. It's nice to think that they all mean well, and
+I always follow the advice of the auctioneer what was trying to pass off
+a plated teapot as solid silver."
+
+"What did he say?"
+
+"Look at the bright side," answered James over his shoulder as he
+hurried away. "O reevwaw, Sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the night of February 29th ten thousand women marched
+    through Unter Den London crying 'bread' and 'peace.'"
+
+    _Daily Gleaner_ (_Kingston, Jamaica._)
+
+We missed them in the Tube.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WAIT AND SEE."
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Asquith. "WELL, AS WE SAY IN HOME, I HAVE BEEN, I
+HAVE SEEN----"
+
+Mr. Punch. "THEN YOU NEEDN'T WAIT ANY MORE, SIR; ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS
+TO GO IN AND CONQUER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PULLING OF PERCY'S LEG.
+
+It was one of those calm quarters of an hour which sometimes happen even
+in a Y.M.C.A. canteen. Private Penny, leaning over the counter, consumed
+coffee and buns and bestowed spasmodic confidences upon me as I cut up
+cake into the regulation slices.
+
+"Oxo and biscuits, please," broke in a languid voice suddenly, and a
+pale young man with an armlet approached the counter. I turned away for
+the cup, and Private Penny, laying down his mug, addressed the newcomer.
+
+"Who are you?" he inquired genially.
+
+The young man surveyed him with cold superiority; then he turned to me.
+
+"I'm a DERBY man, you see," he began complacently. "A lot of pals'll be
+here presently, and we're all going to join this afternoon. They're
+late."
+
+"And what," I asked with resentment, for Private Penny was a friend of
+mine, "are you going to join?"
+
+It appeared that this superior person, after unprejudiced consideration
+of the matter, had decided to join the A.S.C. He said he considered he
+would be of most use in the A.S.C.; he said he was specially designed
+and constructed by Providence for the A.S.C.; he said....
+
+And then suddenly we became aware that Private Penny was mourning gently
+to himself over a dough-nut.
+
+"Pore chap!" he was muttering, "pore young feller--'e don't know. None
+of 'em knows till it's too late, and then they finds their mistake. No
+good to tell 'em--pore chap, pore chap--so pleased over it, too!"
+
+"What's that you're saying?" the youth cut in anxiously.
+
+"Young man," said Private Penny very solemnly, "if you'd take my
+advice--the advice of one that's served his country twelve months at the
+Front--you'd let the Army Service Corps alone. Not that I'm doubting
+you're a plucky young feller enough, but you ain't up to that. It's
+_nerve_ you want for it. Well, I wouldn't take it on myself, and I'm
+pretty well seasoned. Why, you 'ave to go calmly into the mouth of 'ell
+with supplies, over the open ground, when the Infantry's safe and snug
+in the trenches. You ain't strong enough for it--reely you ain't."
+
+"Er--" hesitated the young man.
+
+"Well, I _had_ thought of the R.A.M.C. Mother's idea was----"
+
+Private Penny groaned. "You know," he said with emotion, "I've took a
+kind of fancy to you, Percy. And if it's me dying breath I
+says--_don't!_ That kind of work ain't right nor proper for the likes of
+you. Why, you 'ave to go out in the field there (and you ain't even
+armed, nor protected, mind you!) and you 'ave to see the most _orrerble_
+sights! Can't I tell by yer face, can't I see with me understanding eyes
+that you're the sort that would go mad in no time if you 'ad some o'
+them things to do? If it's me last word----" Emotion choked him.
+
+Percy looked wildly around. "There's the Artillery," he gasped, "if
+that's your advice."
+
+Private Penny burst into a sob of uncontrollable anguish. "Percy," he
+moaned, "if you want to break me heart, that's the way to do it! _Say_
+I've advised you to that, if you like, but it ain't true. With all me
+soul I says--_don't_ do it. Think, dear boy, think. Kinsider the
+_guns!_--the noise--the smoke--the smell--the bursting shells all
+round--the mad horses and mules everywhere. If you 'ave any affection
+for me in your 'eart, Percival, leave the guns alone! If you can't
+control your courage for my sake--your fool'ardiness, Percy!--think of
+all your dear ones at 'ome and turn back before it is too late!"
+
+Percy shuddered. "I might try the Engineers," he said hopelessly, "but
+I don't----"
+
+"If," said Private Penny in the still tones of despair, "_I_ have druv
+you to this, I shall cut me throat. I can't live with that on me
+conscience. 'Ave you thought of the danger of mining and sapping? 'Ave
+you kinsidered field telegrafts? 'Ave you--'ot-'eaded and impulsive as
+you are--'ave you kinsidered _anything_? Percy, if you're set on this
+job, tell me quick, and put me out of me agony!"
+
+"No," said Percy abruptly. "But"--with sudden misgiving--"w-what can I
+do? I'm on my way to join and I must join _something_."
+
+Private Penny pushed his mug over to be re-filled. "I'm an infantryman
+myself," he said carelessly, "and I speaks as one that knows. And wot I
+says is--if you wants a cheerful protected kinder life, with a quiet
+'ole to 'ide yer 'ead in--if you wants rest and comfort, kimbined with
+plenty o' fresh air--if you wants to serve yer King and country without
+any danger to yer 'ealth, then the infantry's the life for you, and the
+trenches is the place to spend it in. Ain't I been out there one solid
+year, and no 'arm 'appened to me yet? It's child's play, that it is,
+sitting there in a 'ole, with big guns booming over you protective-like
+from be'ind and killing all the enemy in front for you. And yer food and
+yer love-letters brought to you regular, and doctors and parsons to see
+you whenever you feels queer. Take my advice, Percy my son--join the
+Infantry at once and make sure of a gentleman's life. I've took a fancy
+to you, and I tells you straight." And he eclipsed himself behind his
+replenished mug.
+
+"Thank you very much," said Percy gratefully, "I can see that the
+Infantry is the place for me. I shall insist upon joining it. Thank you
+_very_ much for all your advice----"
+
+At this moment a great wave of khaki burst into the room and swept to
+the counter, clamouring for attention. On the crest of it came Percy's
+friends in mufti, and once, across the tumult, his voice reached my
+ears. "... quite decided...." he was saying loftily, "some infantry
+regiment or other just seems...." and he was jostled away in the centre
+of an admiring group.
+
+Involuntarily I looked across at Private Penny.
+
+One eye met mine from behind an upturned mug, and the lid fell and rose
+again, once, rapidly; he too had heard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Council of War in the Desert.
+
+    "British Officers are here seen holding a 'bow-wow.'"--_Western
+    Weekly News._
+
+Very natural. In the desert most days are "dog-days."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_on a round of inspection, during prolonged
+pause in manoeuvres_). "And what is the disposition of your men,
+Sergeant?"
+
+_Sergeant._ "Fed-up, Sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEUTRAL NEWSMONGER.
+
+  Who cheers us when we're in the blues
+  With reassuring German news
+  Of starving Berliners in queues?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  And then, soon after, tells us they
+  Are feeding nicely all the day
+  Just in the old familiar way?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Who sees the KAISER in Berlin
+  Dejected, haggard, old as sin,
+  And shaking in his hoary skin?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Then says he's quite a Sunny Jim,
+  That buoyant health and youthful vim
+  Are sticking out all over him?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Who tells us tales of KRUPP'S new guns
+  Much larger than the other ones,
+  And endless trains chockful of Huns?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  And then, when our last hope has fled,
+  Declares the Huns are either dead
+  Or hopelessly dispirited?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  In short, who seems to be a blend
+  Of Balaam's Ass, the bore's godsend
+  And _Mrs. Gamp's_ elusive friend?
+      The Neutral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Humiliation of Jones, who hitherto has been accustomed to
+drop off unaided].
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO MANAGERS.
+
+A new and very popular addition to the comic opera, _Tina_, at the
+Adelphi, is a stage representation of "Eve," the writer of "The Letters
+of Eve" in _The Tatler_, together with her retinue and her dog.
+
+Here we see Journalism and the Drama more than ever mutually dependent,
+and the developments of the idea might be numberless. _Lord Times_, in
+_A Kiss for Cinderella_, already illustrates one of them; but why not a
+complete play, with favourite newspaper contributors as the _dramatis
+personae_? or a revue, to be called, say, _The Tenth Muse_, or _Hullo,
+Inky_!
+
+Or, if not a whole play or revue, a scene could be arranged in which the
+great scribes processed past. One group might consist of Carmelite
+Friars, with "Quex" and "The Rambler," each with a luncheon host on one
+arm and a musical-comedy actress on the other; "An Englishman," with his
+scourge of knotted cords, on his eternal but honourable quest for a
+malefactor; and "Robin Goodfellow," still, in spite of war and official
+requests for economy, pointing to the glories of the race-course and
+pathetically endeavouring to find winners. These would make an
+impressive company--with a good song and dance to finish up with.
+
+_The Referee's_ contribution would obviously be too easy; it would
+simply be like a revival of _King Arthur_. The audience, however, would
+be in luck when "Dagonet" got really warmed up to tell yet once more the
+thrilling story of how he met HENRY PETTITT in the brave days of old.
+
+A whiff of _The Three Musketeers_ would exhilarate the house at the
+entry of "Chicot," the Jester of _The Sketch_; while finally we might
+look for an excellent effect from "Claudius Clear" and "A Man of Kent,"
+of _The British Weekly_, masquerading as the Heavenly Twins.
+
+These notes merely, of course, touch the fringe of a vast subject. Many
+other holders of famous _noms de guerre_ remain, such as "Mr. Gossip"
+and "Mrs. Gossip," and "Captain Coe" and "A Playful Stallite," and
+"Historicus" and "Atlas" and "Scrutator" and "Alpha of the Plough"; but
+only "Eve" has had the wit to include pictures of herself in every
+article; therefore only "Eve" can be instantly recognised. These others,
+if they wish to be equally successful on the stage (and it is certain
+they would like to be), must have always a portrait too. The Heavenly
+Twins might like to use one, by Mr. WELLS, which already exists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOVE.
+
+I was at first inclined to look upon this dove as being largely
+symbolical. So far as I could gather it had never been here before--at
+any rate no one could be found who had seen it here or in the
+neighbourhood, and it seemed obvious that its sudden emergence, as it
+were, out of nothing must have some high and dove-like signification.
+
+Probably before the end of the week the KAISER would sue for peace and
+swallow Mr. ASQUITH'S formula. Since then, however, Verdun has happened
+and VON TIRPITZ has gone, and nobody seems in the least disposed to stop
+the crash of arms. That being so, and the dove being still with us, I am
+forced, in spite of myself, to look upon it as an entirely real bird and
+to keep on wondering what strange freak brought it to us and made it an
+honoured member of this household.
+
+It arrived about ten weeks ago quite unexpectedly and suddenly. One
+morning there was no dove; on the following morning, having fluttered
+hither from I know not what remote and solitary region, it had perched
+on the branch of a poplar set close to the house. There it remained
+while we breakfasted, and from that point of vantage it broke out into a
+long series of loud and melodious cooings that sounded like nothing so
+much as a gurgling stream of benedictions poured out over the house and
+those who dwelt in it by one who plainly proposed to be a grateful
+though not a paying guest. It was wonderful to hear it.
+
+From the branch this persistent and pleasing bird shortly removed itself
+to the window-sill of one of the bedrooms, and into this room, when
+breakfast was over, the children trooped. The dove was pecking eagerly
+at the window-pane. "Let's open the window for it," said one of the
+girls, "and see what happens." Very gently, then, the window was opened,
+and what immediately happened was that, without the least sign of alarm,
+nay rather with the air of one repeating a customary action, the dove
+walked in, took a short flight, and settled on the toilet-table. There
+it caught sight of its soft grey reflection in the looking-glass and at
+once began to parade up and down before it, swelling itself out and
+bobbing its head in evident admiration of the beautiful being so
+fortunately offered to its view. Soon it attempted to approach this
+vision, but was surprised to find itself foiled by the cold impermeable
+surface of the glass. Puzzled, but not, I think, definitely hopeless--it
+performs the same antics in one or other of the bedrooms every day--it
+left the toilet-table, circled round the room and perched confidingly on
+the shoulder of one of the little girls who were admiring it, and began
+once more to coo in a very ecstasy of enjoyment.
+
+Later on, food was provided for it, which it pecked up without the least
+shyness. Since then it has established itself on a very firm clawing, if
+I may use the term, as a necessary inmate of the house. Fluttering
+through the passages it follows the maids from room to room in the
+morning and shows the most lively interest in their work while beds are
+being made or tables dusted. It has the most perfect trustfulness, not
+merely allowing itself to be handled, but coming to perch on a wrist or
+shoulder as if it had belonged there from, time immemorial. It really is
+a pretty thing to have about the house, an embodiment of gentleness and
+kindness, and, so far as a mere human being can judge, of an almost
+dog-like gratitude and affection. I have seen a bullfinch swell up in a
+passionate agitation of love when from its cage it beheld its dear
+mistress enter the room, but it had never occurred to me before this to
+attribute such a feeling to a dove. I ought, I suppose, to have known
+better, as I now do. At this very moment it is cooing away like mad at
+its declaration of undying love from its favourite haunt on the
+mantelpiece of one of the bedrooms.
+
+But it has another utterance which it employs at rare intervals. This is
+a sort of high-pitched laugh thoroughly unsuited to its softness, a most
+cynical and derisive sound which in so kind a beak seems to have neither
+meaning nor purpose. But I overlook its rare laugh in consideration of
+the cooing with which it blesses us and the general friendship which it
+has vowed to this house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECALLED.
+
+[Illustration: The second great sale on behalf of the wounded will be
+held at Christie's (8 King Street, St. James' Square) from the 6th to
+the 19th of April, and from the 26th to the 28th. The entire
+proceeds--no charge for their services being made by Messrs. Christie,
+Manson & Woods--will be handed over to the British Red Cross Society and
+the Order of the Hospital of St. John of Jerusalem. The exhibits are
+still on view to-day (April 5th).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Husband._ "Darlint, 'tis yer own Michael that's come
+home to yez!"
+
+_Wife._ "Sure, Mike, ye're not afther thrying anny of thim personating
+thricks on me, are yez?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOBBERY PACK.
+
+  Andy Hartigan's dead and gone
+    Over the hills and further yet,
+  But he drank good port and his red face shone
+    Like a cider apple of Somerset.
+
+  Ten strange couples o' hounds he had
+    (Gaunt old brutes that had hunted fox
+  Back in the days when NOAH was a lad),
+    Touched in the bellows and gone at the hocks--
+
+  Hounds he'd stole from a Harrier pack,
+    Hounds he'd borrowed an' begged an' found,
+  Grey an' yellow an' tan an' black,
+    Every conceivable kind o' hound.
+
+  He called them "harriers," and a few
+    _Were_ harriers--back when the world began--
+  But they weren't particular where they drew
+    An' they weren't particular what they ran.
+
+  I mind him once of a bygone morn
+    Ruddy an' round on his flea-bit horse,
+  Twangin' a note on his battered horn
+    An' cappin' them into the Frenchman gorse.
+
+  They pushed a brown hare out of her form
+    An' swung on her line with a crash of tongues;
+  But a vixen crossed an' her scent was warm,
+    So they ran her, screechin' to burst their lungs.
+
+  They ran her into my lord's demesne,
+    Where my lady's fallows were grazing free;
+  They picked a stag and followed again,
+    Singing like souls in ecstasy.
+
+  They chased the stag up over the ridge
+    With lolling tongues an' with heaving flanks;
+  They lost him down by the Cluddlah bridge,
+    But killed an otter on Cluddlah's banks.
+
+  They had no shape an' they had no style;
+    Their manners were bad an' their morals slack;
+  They were noisy, but wonderful versatile,
+    Andy Hartigan's bobbery pack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+High (Explosive) Finance.
+
+    "The issuing of premium bombs, whilst not, strictly speaking, a
+    lottery or gamble, would give such people what they ask for, and
+    that is a chance to get something unusual and tempting."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+Unusual, certainly; but tempting?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A War-Menu.
+
+    "GIRLS experienced Wanted to feed on Wharfdale machines."
+
+    _Nottingham Evening Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BROADWOODWIDGER.--A new pipe organ has been installed at the
+    parish church. A recital was given by the Rev. C. B. Walters, of
+    Stokeclimsland, while a sermon was preached by the Rev. Canon
+    Lewis, of Launceston."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The Broadwoodwidger example deserves imitation. Some sermons would be
+much more tolerable if they had a musical accompaniment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A mere automatic raising of the Income Tax strikes
+    indiscriminately at the just and the unjust; it is just as
+    likely to cripple the man who is supporting and educating a
+    large family sybarite."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+And a very good thing too. For ourselves, we have always discouraged the
+growth of these bulky profligates in the domestic circle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_meeting small acquaintance_). "Hullo, Ethel, so
+you've started one of those things?"
+
+_Ethel._ "Yes, we're all having to come to them. Rather a drop-down
+after the Rolls-Royce, but--war-time, you know."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YELLOW PRESSURE.
+
+"Rather a funny thing happened the other day," she remarked.
+
+"Yes?" I replied languidly.
+
+"About you."
+
+"Oh!" I said with animation. "Do tell me."
+
+"It was at lunch," she explained, "at Duke's. The people at the next
+table were talking about you. I couldn't help hearing a little. A man
+there said he had met you in Shanghai."
+
+"Not really!" I exclaimed.
+
+"Yes. He met you in Shanghai."
+
+"That's frightfully interesting," I said. "What did he say about me?"
+
+"That's what I couldn't hear," she replied. "You see I had to pay some
+attention to my own crowd. I only caught the word 'delightful.'"
+
+Ever since she told me this. I have been turning it over in my mind; and
+it is particularly vexing not to know more. "Delightful" can be such
+jargon and mean nothing--or, at any rate, nothing more than amiability.
+Still, that is something, for one is not always amiable, even when
+meeting strangers. On the other hand it might be, from this man, the
+highest praise.
+
+The whole thing naturally leads to thought, because I have never been
+farther east than Athens in my life.
+
+Yet here is a man who met me in Shanghai. What does it mean? Can we
+possibly visit other cities in our sleep? Has each of us an _alter ego_,
+who can really behave, elsewhere?
+
+Whether we have or not, I know that this information about my Shanghai
+double is going to be a great nuisance to me. It is going to change my
+character. In fact it has already begun to do so. Let me give you an
+example.
+
+Only yesterday I was about to be very angry with a telegraph boy who
+brought back a telegram I had despatched about two hours earlier, saying
+that it could not be delivered because it was insufficiently addressed.
+Obviously it was not the boy's fault, for he belonged to our country
+post-office and the telegram had been sent to London and was returned
+from there; and yet I started to abuse that boy as though he were not
+only the POSTMASTER-GENERAL himself but the inventor of red-tape into
+the bargain. And all for a piece of carelessness of my own.
+
+And then suddenly I remembered Shanghai and how delightful I was there.
+And I shut up instantly and apologised and rewrote the message and gave
+the boy a shilling for himself. If one could be delightful in Shanghai
+one must be delightful at home too.
+
+And so it is going to be. There is very little fun for me in the future,
+and all because of that nice-mannered man in Shanghai whom I must not
+disgrace. For it would be horrible if one day a lady told him that she
+had overheard someone who had met him in London and found him to be a
+bear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HERRICK TO JULIA.
+
+(_War Edition_).
+
+  When as in silks my Julia goes
+  Then, then (methinks) how wanton shows
+  That efflorescence of her clothes.
+
+  But when I cast mine eyes and see
+  Her drest for decent industry,
+  Oh, how that plainness taketh me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR TRAITORS.
+
+[Illustration: A WARNING TO PROMOTERS OF STRIKES IN WAR-TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, March 28th._--Sir EDWARD CARSON was back on the Front
+Opposition Bench to-day, so much the better for his recent rest-cure
+that he is credited with the desire to prescribe similar treatment for
+other jaded politicians. Three of the potential patients--the PRIME
+MINISTER, the FOREIGN SECRETARY and the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS--have
+anticipated his kindly suggestion by going for a little trip on the
+Seine, and are making arrangements with their Continental friends for
+another on the Spree at a later date.
+
+[Illustration: REST CURES.
+
+Sir Edward Carson, M.D., anxious to prescribe.]
+
+Before his departure Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, ever thoughtful for the welfare
+of others, arranged with the Military authorities to give a change of
+scene to six members of the Clyde Workers' Committee, who have been
+recently over-straining their vocal chords. This was the impression I
+got from Dr. ADDISON, who, like his great namesake, is a master of the
+bland style; but Sir EDWARD CARSON thrust aside official euphemism and
+bluntly inquired whether these men were not in fact assisting the KING'S
+enemies, and ought not to be indicted for high treason.
+
+The suppression of a number of _Sinn Fein_ papers in Ireland stimulated
+Mr. GINNELL to the concoction of a Question about as long as a leading
+article. To ensure a reply he addressed it simultaneously to the UNDER
+SECRETARY FOR WAR and the CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND. In spite of this
+precaution he was disappointed, for, owing to the storm, Mr. BIRRELL had
+not received the necessary information from Ireland, while Mr. TENNANT,
+no doubt for the same reason, had not even received the Question. Mr.
+GINNELL is now convinced that the official conspiracy against him has
+been joined by the Clerk of the Weather.
+
+I shall hardly be surprised if the next time I walk down Whitehall I
+find sandwichmen out with their boards inscribed--
+
+  Westminster Aerodrome.
+  Flying every Tuesday.
+  Billing Breaks all Records.
+
+The new Member for East Herts has displayed unprecedented dexterity in
+catching the SPEAKER'S eye. In three weeks he has already spoken more
+columns of _Hansard_ than many Members fill during a long Parliamentary
+career. His speech to-day consisted almost entirely of a catalogue of
+fatal accidents to aviators, due, he declared, to the faulty engines and
+machines supplied to them by the Government--"though within twenty miles
+of here we have a far better machine than the _Fokker_."
+
+Previous to this we had listened to a bright and diverting dialogue
+between Mr. DUDLEY WARD, representing the Anti-Aircraft Service, and Mr.
+JOYNSON-HICKS, briefed by the Municipal authorities, on the question of
+what happened at Ramsgate during the last raid. As they differed _in
+toto_ on every detail the House was not much the wiser for the
+discussion, but it was consoled by Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS' remark that "if
+the MAYOR and TOWN CLERK have lied to me no one will be more pleased
+than myself."
+
+Members were much more impressed by the obvious sincerity and occasional
+eloquence of the appeal on behalf of the East Coast towns made by Sir A.
+GELDER. His indignation at the trick played on one place by the Military
+authorities, who tried to allay public anxiety by mounting a dummy gun,
+was shared by the House.
+
+Mr. TENNANT did not attempt to deny or palliate this imposture, but he
+made a fairly adequate reply to other counts of the indictment, and
+promised a judicial inquiry into the casualties enumerated by Mr.
+BILLING. The revelation that he himself has a son in the Flying Corps
+was perhaps the most effective point in a speech which did not wholly
+remove the impression that the Government has its head in the air rather
+than its heart.
+
+_Wednesday, March 29th._--There are more ways than one of getting into
+the House of Commons. Mr. PERCY HARRIS, the new Member for the Market
+Harborough division, who took his seat to-day, arrived by the
+old-fashioned route of a contested election. He was just about to shake
+hands with the SPEAKER when a khaki-clad stranger took a short cut from
+the Gallery and reached the floor _per saltum_. Not only so, but before
+he could be arrested this Messenger from Mars succeeded in delivering
+his maiden speech, to the effect that British soldiers' heads should be
+protected against shrapnel-fire. The SERJEANT-AT-ARMS, who had had a
+narrow escape, goes further, holding the view that his own head should
+be protected from acrobatic British soldiers.
+
+To-day Mr. LONG had the difficult task of convincing the House that the
+married men had no grievance, and that the Government were doing their
+best to remove it. Only a man who has fought with bulls in Ireland could
+hope to tackle such a paradox. Mr. LONG, having enjoyed that experience,
+was fairly successful.
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON, who had been expected by some people to initiate a
+raging "Down-the-Government" agitation, was comparatively mild, and,
+admitting that his late colleagues had done something, chiefly blamed
+them for not having done it earlier. Still he made it plain that in his
+view compulsion all round was inevitable if Prussianism was to be
+crushed. Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITH agreed with him. The Government ought not to
+bargain with the public; it ought to give them a clear and definite
+command. Such sentiments, proceeding from one who still claimed to
+belong to the Liberal Party, shocked Sir WILLIAM BYLES. Maintaining that
+those who had voted against the Military Service Bill were the truest
+friends of the PRIME MINISTER, he promised again to give him his
+invaluable support "if he would only lead us to our accustomed pasture."
+There is no justification, however, for the theory that the worthy
+knight is a candidate for the Order of the Thistle.
+
+_Thursday, March 30th._--In the Lords to-day Viscount TEMPLETOWN moved
+that London should be declared a prohibited area, with a view to
+removing the eight or nine thousand Germans still carrying on business
+there. His argument was a little difficult to follow, for it included a
+complaint that in Eastbourne, which is a prohibited area, a number of
+aliens are residing in comfort and affluence. The Marquis of LANSDOWNE,
+usually so logical, on this occasion answered inconsequence by
+inconsequence. In one breath he asserted that to declare the whole of
+the Metropolis a prohibited area would throw too much work on the
+police; and in the next that it would have the effect of driving away
+large numbers of aliens to places not so well policed as London is.
+Lord BERESFORD caught the infection. In the course of a long question
+designed to clear General TOWNSHEND of the responsibility for the
+advance upon Bagdad, he remarked with startling irrelevance that if his
+(Lord BERESFORD's) advice had been taken by the PRIME MINISTER the
+_Lusitania_ would still be afloat and we should have lost no battleships
+in the Dardanelles. He did not appear to attach undue importance to this
+claim, and Lord ISLINGTON, who replied for the Government, did not think
+it necessary to make any reference to it, but contented himself with
+stating that the Bagdad advance was authorised on the advice of General
+NIXON and the Indian Government, and professing official ignorance of
+any representations on the part of General TOWNSHEND.
+
+In the Commons the trouble on the Clyde was the _piece de resistance_.
+At Question time Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, fresh from the Paris Conference, had
+to deal with a number of inquiries put by the little group of Scottish
+malcontents whose notion of patriotism is to embarrass the Government on
+each and every occasion. Mr. HOGGE wanted to know when the MINISTER OF
+MUNITIONS was going to give the other side of the case--"the German
+side," as an interrupter pertinently put it; and Mr. PRINGLE intimated
+that a settlement could have been reached but for the unreasonableness
+of the Government.
+
+This gave Dr. ADDISON, usually the mildest-mannered man that ever lanced
+a gumboil, an opportunity of administering to big accuser a much-needed
+lesson in deportment. The hon. Member had first forced himself, without
+invitation, into a private conversation in the Minister's room, and had
+then given a totally misleading account of what took place. He had made
+himself the spokesman of a body which had displayed "a treacherous
+disregard of the highest national interests."
+
+Mr. PRINGLE was as much surprised as if he had been bitten by a rabbit,
+and wound up an unconvincing defence of himself with the remark that he
+would rather keep silence than say anything to exacerbate feeling. It is
+a pity that his friend Mr. HOGGE did not imitate this wise if rather
+tardy reticence. He gave Mr. LLOYD GEORGE the lie when he was describing
+how the disputes had interfered with the supply of guns urgently needed
+by the Army, and provoked the retort that, instead of encouraging the
+strikers by unfounded suggestions, he would be better employed if "with
+what credit is left to him" he went down to the Clyde and tried to get
+them to work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "Good gracious! The Brown-Smiths!! I thought they
+were so poor."
+
+_He._ "Yes. But, you see, he's been supplying the Government with shells
+for quite a fortnight!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LETTER TO THE FRONT.
+
+"Kin yer write a letter?"
+
+"More or less," I said. I did not rate myself with Madame DE STAEL nor
+with EDWARD FITZGERALD, but I forebore to mention these names because I
+thought that they would not be familiar to my questioner. If you happen
+to know Paradise Rents, Fulham, you will realise that neither Madame DE
+STAEL, nor FITZGERALD is much read there. Moreover, the type that
+addressed me had not the aspect of a literary man.
+
+He was a man of some seven years, maybe, in company with a younger man,
+perhaps of five. He was hatless, coatless, waistcoatless, but he had a
+pair of trousers, short in the leg, precariously held by one brace. That
+is the fashion in Paradise Rents. I had come upon these two young men
+about Fulham as they were staring with absorbed interest into the
+undertaker's shop advantageously situated for custom at the corner of
+the Rents and the main street. Certainly it was a pleasant window.
+Besides the legends and texts, the artificial wreaths and the pictures
+of tombs and tombstones, there was a number of model coffins in
+miniature. It was these that had fascinated the attention of the two
+young men.
+
+"I should like one o' them to ply with," said the elder covetously.
+
+"What would yer do with it, Bill?" the younger asked.
+
+"I'd put the old KAYSER in it, along wi' Farver."
+
+It is rude to laugh at other people's conversation, particularly if you
+have not been introduced to them, but I caught myself in an audible
+chuckle over this fine blend of patriotic and filial sentiment. Then I
+pulled myself but not in time; I had been detected.
+
+If you wish to know what it is to be stared at, you should interrupt, as
+I had, a conversation between two young men of about this age in Fulham
+or elsewhere. They stared in unison and in silence until the tension
+became unbearable, and one of them, the elder, whose name was Bill,
+relieved it with the above quest on, "Kin yer write a letter?"
+
+Perhaps my answer was a little modest. He regarded me doubtfully, then
+asked--
+
+"'Ow soon kin yer write a letter?"
+
+"You mean, how long does it take me to write a letter?"
+
+He nodded his head vehemently.
+
+"Well," I began, "it rather depends, you know, on what there is to say."
+I saw dissatisfaction cloud his face, and hastened to add, "Oh, well,
+about ten minutes."
+
+At that his expression cleared to astonishment. Passing that emotion, it
+went to incredulity. It was a beautifully legible face, though
+everything but clean. He made up his mind.
+
+"Will yer come," he asked, "and write a letter for my granmother?"
+
+We were on the heels of adventure now; no one could say what new country
+this might lead to.
+
+"Where does she live?" I asked.
+
+"Just round the corner, two doors from my Great-aunt Maria's," he said,
+astonished that I should not know,
+
+"Lead on," I said, concealing my ignorance of the residence of
+great-aunt Maria.
+
+He took me by the hand, which I could not in courtesy decline, and led
+me down Paradise Rents.
+
+As a rule, in Paradise Rents, front doors stand open to the street, but
+the door of Number 5, the abode of Bill's grandmother, was shut. On
+tip-toe and with a strenuous effort Bill reached the latch. The door
+opened and Bill shouted through it, by way of introduction:--
+
+"She says she kin write a letter in ten minutes."
+
+The person addressed, whom I understood to be the grandmother, was
+engaged in scrubbing with a duster a deal table already clean enough to
+make Bill's face much ashamed of itself. She was a large heavy old
+woman, with a round colourless visage that suggested the full moon by
+daylight, and wispy grey locks like a nimbus about it.
+
+"Lor bless the child, Mum!" she exclaimed. "Bill, whatever d'yer mean by
+it?"
+
+"Says she kin write a letter in ten minutes," Bill repeated, with the
+emphasis of grave doubt on the "says."
+
+"Bless the child, Mum! I don't know whatever 'e's been saying. It's
+truth as I did say as I wished I 'ad someone as could write a letter for
+me to my son Frank, it being 'is birthday Tuesday and 'im out at the
+Front. But there, it's not to say, as I can't write a letter myself if
+I'm so minded, but I'm no great scholard and it do take me a long time
+to finish--each day a word or two. About a week it take me to write a
+letter, such a letter as I'd wish to write to Frank out at the Front,
+for 'is birthday, to cheer 'im up."
+
+"Frank's Bill's father, I suppose?" I said, by way of filling an
+asthmatic pause.
+
+"Lor bless yer, no, Mum. Bill's father wouldn't never go into no more
+danger than what 'e'd find at the Red Lion. Married my pore daughter 'e
+did, as died--a mercy for 'er, pore thing! That's 'ow it is Bill's
+living along o' me."
+
+"I see," I said. "Well, now--about the letter?"
+
+A space more liberal than the operation strictly needed was cleared for
+me on the polished deal table; a penny ink-bottle and a pen with a rusty
+but still useful nib set upon it, and from a special drawer, with a
+solemnity that of the character of sacred ritual, Mrs. Watt, as Bill's
+grandmother informed me she was called, drew forth a single sheet of
+notepaper. Its dimensions had been heavily curtailed by the deepest
+border of mourning black that I ever had seen on English writing-paper.
+Other nations surpass us in this evidence of respect, but Mrs. Watt's
+paper was calculated to raise the national standard.
+
+"Isn't this," I said, "rather--I mean is it quite suited for a birthday
+letter, to cheer up Frank in the trenches?"
+
+Mrs. Watt took the suggestion in quite good part, but gave it a decided
+negative.
+
+"'E would wish respect showed to 'is Aunt Maria, as died Wednesday was a
+fortnight. You might tell 'im that, if you please, Mum."
+
+I started off, as bidden, with this mournful communication, under the
+eye, at first severely critical, then frankly admiring, of Bill's
+grandmother.
+
+"Lor," she exclaimed, "you be one to write the words quick!"
+
+"What shall we say now?" I asked brightly.
+
+"Wednesday was a fortnight as she died, sister Maria did, that's Frank's
+aunt, and was buried a Saturday--what's too soon, as you'd say, but no
+disrespect meant, the undertaker arranging first for the Monday--only
+'aving a bigger job, with 'orses and plumes, give'im for the Monday, and
+so putting my pore sister forward to the Saturday. 'Ave you got that
+down, Mum?"
+
+"Oh," I said, scribbling briskly, "am I to write all that?" It occupied,
+even with much compression, space far into the second side of the
+restricted paper.
+
+"An' my only relative surviving," she resumed, "being brother George, as
+is eighty-two, and crotchety at that, lives out 'Oxton way, so I wrote
+to him about the funeral for a Monday, and when the undertaker puts it
+forward to the Saturday I didn't have no one to send all that way, so
+brother George--'e's eighty-two, and crotchety at that--'e didn't get no
+notice for the funeral on Saturday at all, so o' course 'e didn't come.
+You'll make all that clear to Frank, won't you, Mum?"
+
+I scribbled hard again, and said I was doing my best.
+
+"So brother George being crotchety, as I said, Mum, 'e sent me word as
+'e wouldn't never speak to me again in this world, and 'e didn't know as
+ever 'e would in the world to come--I'd like you to put that all in,
+please, Mum, so's to let Frank know 'ow it all is. Now, do you suppose,
+Mum, if I was to die, as brother George'd come to my funeral?"
+
+I hardly knew what answer to make after the "cut everlasting" with which
+George had threatened his sister, but I had an idea that I was beginning
+to understand Mrs. Watt's tastes. "Well," I said weakly, "I don't
+know--funerals are very pleasant things."
+
+It was the right note and Mrs. Watt took it up keenly. "That's what I
+always says, Mum," she said eagerly. "I'd sooner go to a good funeral
+than I would a wedding any day of the week. You've got that down about
+brother George? Yes, and please say as it was beautiful polished wood,
+the coffin--and real brass 'andles."
+
+"But, Mrs. Watt," I said despairingly, "that'll bring us quite to the
+end of the paper, and we've never even wished him many happy returns
+yet. Have you another sheet?"
+
+"I haven't got no more than the one sheet, but I dessay as there's room
+to say as I'm his loving mother, and 'ope it finds 'im well, as it
+leaves me."
+
+I managed to pinch in the traditional salutation; the sheet was enclosed
+in an envelope as sepulchral of aspect as itself, and with much
+misgiving I put Frank's birthday letter into the first pillar-box that I
+found.
+
+Just a week later I had occasion to go down Paradise Rents again. I had
+no intention of calling on Mrs. Watt, being more than a little afraid of
+the reception that her son Frank might have accorded to the letter that
+was to bring bright cheer to his birthday. But she ran from her door as
+I passed to meet and greet me. "Do step in, Mum," she entreated. "I must
+'ave you see a letter as come this morning from my son Frank, as is at
+the Front. Read that, if you please, Mum."
+
+"She must be a real lady that wot comes visiting you," it said. "That
+was a letter as she wrote. I don't know as ever I read such a beautiful
+letter. All the trench 'as read it, and they says so too."
+
+I sighed heavily with relief. Mrs. Watt was a judge of her son's
+literary taste.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
+
+[Illustration: _Tommies (singing)._ "Keep the home fires burning".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor (at private hospital)._ "Can I see Lieutenant
+Barker, please?"
+
+_Matron._ "We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're a
+relative?"
+
+_Visitor (boldly)._ "Oh, yes! I'm his sister."
+
+_Matron._ "Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. _I'm his mother._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Stand and Deliver."
+
+The Merry Monarch's world is too much with us. I can't imagine what it
+is in that period that our actor-managers find so peculiarly appropriate
+to present conditions, when we need all the inspiration we can get out
+of our country's annals. It seems only the other day that in the same
+theatre, His Majesty's--the play was _Mavourneen_--I was assisting at a
+rout (is that the word?) of Restoration society. And here we have it all
+over again with the same scheme of a pretty _debutante_ near to being
+compromised by the Royal favour; with the old galaxy of Court ladies
+inexplicably gay; the same old Duke of BUCKINGHAM; the old dull sport of
+improvisations; the old pathetic lack of wit; a _rechauffe_ only
+tempered by slight variations, such as the substitution of LELY for
+PEPYS, and the failure of the Monarch himself to put in an appearance.
+
+For the rest, a generous allowance of swashbuckling, of kidnapping, of
+standing and delivering, of interludes for dancing and gallantry--in a
+word all the approved features of the High Toby. Nothing, you will
+guess, that threatened to overstrain our intelligence, but enough for
+the moderate excitation of those sympathies which we always concede to
+heroic villainy.
+
+The _clou_ of the evening was the scene of the waylaying of his lover's
+coach by _Claude Duval_ on the Newmarket road. Animals on the stage (as
+distinct from the circus-ring) always make me nervous. Mr. BOURCHIER
+seemed to have anticipated my apprehension. On the approach of the
+travellers, having hitherto, with his horse's consent, sat motionless at
+the cross-roads, he retired with it into the wings and there dismounted
+and continued the scene on foot. But the memory of those few moments of
+superb equitation remained with the audience, and when, at the fall of
+the curtain, he led his steed forward by the bridle (a just tribute to
+its connivance) the pair of them brought down the house--and not the
+scenery, as I had feared.
+
+I am no pedant that I should cavil at Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY MCCARTHY'S
+re-adjustment of history. It was all for our delight that _Claude
+Duval_, instead of perishing on the scaffold, should escape from prison,
+have his freedom confirmed by the KING'S pardon, confound everybody
+else's knavish tricks and marry the lady of his heart. Nor do I complain
+that the historic highwayman (as I am credibly informed--for I got the
+facts from another critic) was only twenty-nine when they hanged him,
+and that Mr. BOURCHIER is--well, let me say, past the military age, or
+he wouldn't have been there at all. At the same time he will not mind my
+saying that, though he brought a very gallant spirit to his work, he
+lacked something of that resilience which is so desirable a quality in a
+Chevalier of the Road. Perhaps I liked best in him the quiet restraint
+with which he met the assaults of _Orange Moll_ upon his loyalty to his
+lady. He was not given very many good things to say, but he made up for
+this defect by dropping his aspirates and talking in what I took to be a
+Serbian accent.
+
+[Illustration: RIVER SCENE NEAR WESTMINSTER.
+
+_Claude Duval_ (Mr. Bourchier) disposes of his rival, _de Pontac_ (Mr.
+Murray Carrington) in a riparian duel.]
+
+Not much subtlety was asked of Miss KYRLE BELLEW as _Duval's_ lover,
+_Berinthia_; but she seemed to have learned a little more sincerity and
+to depend less upon the prettiness of her face and her frocks. Of Miss
+MIRIAM LEWES as _Orange Moll_ something more was demanded, and I should
+have enjoyed without reservation her very picturesque performance but
+for a certain stage-quality in her voice which was out of all consonance
+with the part she had to play. Mr. JERROLD ROBERTSHAW as _Justice
+Hogben_ was a most attractive old reprobate; Mr. CHARLES ROCK as a
+strolling mummer played like the sound actor he is; and indeed the whole
+cast--and not least in the smallest parts, such as Mr. HARTFORD'S
+drunken _Gaoler_ and Mr. PEASE'S _Dognose_, with his delightfully
+unemotional "Ay! ay!"--did very well indeed.
+
+If the play opens rather deliberately there is no lack of action when
+once it gets moving; but it was an exercise of bodies rather than of
+minds. Swords flashed; barkers were flourished (though they never went
+off); feet twinkled in the dance, and Mr. MURRAY CARRINGTON took several
+astounding falls; but wits remained stationary. I do not wish to appear
+exigent, but as one who likes to be amused as well as entertained I
+could easily have done with a little more scintillation.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INJER."
+
+(To the Author of "The Grand Tour," "Punch," January 26th, 1916.)
+
+  I read your lines the other day;
+    You got it down in black an' white;
+  You seen them places wot you say;
+    Well, I seen Injer--and you're right.
+
+  You never know. I took the bob
+    The days o' Mons an' Charley Roy;
+  Flanders, I thought, 'ud do my job,
+    An' me no better than a boy.
+
+  But some'ow Flanders got a miss,
+    An' I came East, the same as you,
+  Right East, an' finished up wi' this;
+    _I_ seen them towns and islands too.
+
+  But Injer! Lor, it's like a book
+    Or like a bloomin' fancy ball;
+  There's somethin' every way you look,
+    An' me--young me--I seen it all.
+
+  I know about them "dark bazaars"--
+    An' dark they is--I know them skies,
+  An' suns an' moons an' silver stars
+    An' 'ummin'-birds an' fiery-flies.
+
+  I seen the palms an' parrokeets,
+    I've 'eard the jackals in the night,
+  I've ate them beas'ly Injian sweets
+    An' smelt the Injian fires alight.
+
+  But I'm with you, old P. an' O.;
+    The goin' 'ome'll be the best;
+  An' not the 'ome we useter know,
+    But better, 'cos we've known the rest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TUBANTIA CRIME.
+
+    "Sworn Evidence of Torpedo."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+We hope it confessed its crime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The village is in utter darkness these nights, and many of the
+    lamp-posts are getting severe knocks, not speaking of the foot
+    pedestrians."--_Ardrossan Herald._
+
+Some of the foot pedestrians are said to have been less reticent about
+the lamp-posts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Would patriotic owner LEND INCUBATOR or Foster increase British
+    production, or buy cheap? Every care; experienced; eggs waiting;
+    ineligible; clergy ref."--_The Times._
+
+It is a little cryptic; but we gather that, at any rate, the partial
+soundness of these eggs will be guaranteed by the curate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sentry (at Remount Camp)._ "Halt! Who goes there?"
+
+_Weary Voice._ "One friend and two mules."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIVINS'S NEW BOOKS.
+
+Mr. Mivins begs to present
+
+FOUR WONDERFUL WORKS
+
+BY
+
+Four astounding Authors.
+
+       ***
+
+PRINCE CHARMING.
+
+By Egbert Gunn
+
+(_Third large edition already exhausted_).
+
+    "An incomparable achievement. The uniquest thing yet done by Mr.
+    GUNN. He has eclipsed Balzac, wiped the floor with George Sand,
+    while panting Tolstoi 'toils after him in vain.'"--_Daily
+    Exhaust._
+
+       ***
+
+POTLAND FOR EVER!
+
+By Roland Sennett.
+
+    "The greatest literary portent of all time. Here the Black
+    Country is painted in all its inspissated gloom by a
+    master-hand--sardonic, salubrious, superb.... We approach this
+    work on all-fours. Any other attitude on the part of a reviewer
+    would be sheer blasphemy."
+
+    _The Monthly Margarine._
+
+       ***
+
+THE UNPLUMBED ABYSS.
+
+By Drax Homer.
+
+    _First great Notice_: "By the side of Mr. Drax Homer, Edgar
+    Allan Poe is a fumbler, and Gaboriau the veriest tiro. In these
+    supremely arresting pages Mr. Drax Homer voices the cosmic
+    mystery with unerring skill, and ranges over the whole gamut of
+    the gruesome. He is the Napoleon of sensation, the Julius Caesar
+    of melodrama."--_Daily Idolater._
+
+       ***
+
+_The Book of the Day._
+
+BRANDENBURG BABIES
+
+By Guinevere Jaggers.
+
+    "Of all the hundreds of English governesses privileged to enter
+    the _penetralia_ of Potsdam, Miss Jaggers had the longest
+    innings and writes with most authority. Her record teems with
+    astounding happenings, appalling revelations and grotesque
+    episodes.... There is nothing to touch it in the annals of
+    candour. Pepys is not in the same street and Benvenuto Cellini
+    not in the same parish. We recommend it to the perusal of the
+    Premier--if he has the courage to tackle it."
+
+    _The Oil and Vinegar Witness._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Before the Hyde Election--
+
+    "Mr. Davies maintains his optimism. He has reprinted one of his
+    cartoons showing him chattering the party walls of 'Jacobson's
+    Jellicoe,' with the big gun of efficiency."
+
+    _Manchester Evening Chronicle._
+
+But this attempt to drag the Navy into politics met with deserved
+failure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dwellers in the trenches are not the only fighters who know
+    what it is to be up to the knees in seven feet of water."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+We believe the Anakim were greatly troubled in this way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATLOCK'S VETERAN SOLDIER HONOURED.
+
+    154 Years in the Army."
+
+    _High Peak News._
+
+A veteran indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN
+
+IV.--Petticoat Lane.
+
+  Up the Lane and down the Lane and all round about
+  The Petticoats on washing-day are all hanging out;
+  Some are made of linsey-woolsey, some are made of silk,
+  Some of them are green as grass and some are white as milk;
+  Frilled and flounced and quilted ones in Petticoat Lane,
+  Some are worked in coloured nosegays, some of them are plain,
+  Some are striped with red and blue as gaudy as can be,
+  And one is sprigged with lavender, and that's the one for me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir A. MOND said that the married men's grievance was that they
+    might be called up before the tooth-combing process of which the
+    right hon. gentleman had spoken had been carried out."--_The
+    Times._
+
+It sounds painful. Personally we intend to stick to the old-fashioned
+brush.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Lloyd George, replying to Mr. Cowan, said the total salary
+    received by Lloyd Kitchener was L6,250."
+
+    _Portsmouth Evening News._
+
+This is the first we have heard of this highly-remunerated official. We
+hope it is not a case of nepotism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+A literature of _Antarcticana_ is gradually growing up, and the last
+volume, _With Scott: The Silver Lining_ (SMITH, ELDER), is a notable
+addition to it. Let me say at once that I opened Mr. GRIFFITH TAYLOR'S
+book with some trembling because I saw the difficulties in the way of
+its success. In the first place I recalled the simple dignity with which
+SCOTT wrote of his exploits, and I felt that to fall away from this high
+standard would be to fail; secondly, anyone writing now of this
+expedition must to a certain extent travel over ground already covered.
+These are the main difficulties which Mr. TAYLOR had to fight against,
+and he has overcome them. To a writer of his fluency and particular vein
+of humour it could not have been an easy task to put a right restraint
+upon his pen. The only criticism I have to pass on his style is that it
+could quite comfortably have done without the cloud of notes of
+exclamation in which it is enveloped. Apart from its great scientific
+value the main interest of the book is found in the light that it casts
+upon the characters of the author's companions. His observation is
+always shrewd and always kindly; you are left to guess his dislikes from
+his omissions. Mr. TAYLOR was himself in command, during SCOTT'S last
+expedition, of two parties, and of the work done on these journeys he
+writes with the modesty characteristic of men who speak of dangers and
+adventures in which they have personally taken part. One opinion of his
+I cannot refrain from quoting; it is that the tragedy of SCOTT'S
+expedition was caused by Seaman EVANS'S illness. "I believe that, short
+of abandonment, the party had no hope with a sick man on their hands."
+No tale of heroism that the War has given us can obscure the noble
+loyalty of this sacrifice. And to-day, when some of us have neither the
+time nor the taste for lighter things, there should be a grateful
+welcome for a book that deals with men whose courage and endurance
+remain the imperishable possession of our race.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Somewhere towards the end of _The Tragedy of an Indiscretion_ (LANE), we
+arrive at the Court of Criminal Appeal, where, in the course of
+unravelling the plot, one of the judges is moved to exclaim, "This is
+the most hopelessly complicated story I ever had the pain of listening
+to!" His lordship certainly has my sympathy. Personally speaking, the
+first twenty pages of it nearly gave me a nervous breakdown, so wild and
+whirling were the events into which it plunged. Let me start the thing
+for you. _Ronald Warrington_, who was heir to the aged _Duke of
+Glenstaffen_, eloped with _Mrs. Greville_, assuming for no very
+understandable reason the name of his friend and secretary, _Essendine_.
+So, the pair being established at an hotel, the supposed _Mr. E._ goes
+to a station to buy an evening paper, is fallen upon by the real one,
+and thrust into a train to attend the deathbed of his ducal relative.
+_Essendine_ himself, entering the hotel to explain matters to the lady,
+finds (1) that she is the wife who divorced him before marrying
+_Greville_; (2) that she has just died of heart disease. Next, being of
+a placidity almost inhuman, he decides to bury the corpse as that of his
+wife, and not worry anyone with explanations. What he didn't know then,
+or I either, was that another lady was at the moment gadding about
+London in one of _Mrs. Greville's_ cast-off frocks, and pretending to be
+that much-married female. And when in due course she is murdered, and
+the strangely apathetic widower, _Mr. Greville_, who never set eyes upon
+her, is arrested for the crime--well, you may begin to think that the
+judge's remark was an understatement. What I should like to ask Mr. J.
+W. BRODIE-INNES is, if this is his notion of an "indiscretion," what
+would he have to say of a real social error?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE MUSEUM.
+
+[Illustration: _Soldier (on leave from the trenches visiting the sights
+of London--before enlarged model of common flea)._ "Yes, that's it,
+father! That's the kind I was tellin' you about. But it ain't much of a
+specimen."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The name of the author of _Youth Unconquerable_ (HEINEMANN) is given on
+the title-page as _Percy Ross_. But I would willingly take a small wager
+on the probability that this name conceals a feminine identity. For one
+thing, no mere man surely would attempt the task of depicting the sweet
+girl graduate in her native lair, often as the converse has been done.
+Certainly it is improbable that he would manage to convey such an
+impression of actuality. For I am sure the life of an Oxford ladies'
+college must be, for many, very much what it was for _Cherry Hawthorn_.
+But I am afraid this is about all that I can honestly say in praise of
+the story. _Cherry_ was a young woman with red hair (it is bright
+vermilion in the ugly picture of her on the cover) and no fortune. Her
+late father had made her the joint ward of two young men, one an Italian
+prince, and one a semi-insane Welshman. _Cherry_ accepted this provision
+with a promising placidity. She, and I, anticipated marriage with one or
+other of the guardians. But that was before we had seen them. The
+Italian turned out to be silly, while the Welshman recalled the gloomier
+imaginings of the BRONTES, and in the event came by an appropriately
+violent end. However there was a third suitor, a Scotch Duke, so all was
+well. Perhaps the tale may have more success with others than with me.
+But I am bound to warn you that the style of it is a wild and wonderful
+thing. One is, for example, unprepared to find a gentleman's hat and
+stick referred to as "his extra-mural accoutrements." And this is no
+rare example. The whole thing, in fact, seems more suitable to a very
+popular magazine than to the dignity of that exclusive little windmill
+that forms the HEINEMANN hall-mark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Precisionists.
+
+    "TRICYCLE for Sale cheap, 3 wheels."--_Suburban Paper._
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, April 5, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22873.txt or 22873.zip *****
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+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/8/7/22873/
+
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+
+
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+
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