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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+April 5, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, April 5, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22873]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+
+
+April 5, 1916
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A SEVERE blizzard hit London last week, and Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING has
+since been heard to admit, however reluctantly, that there are other
+powers of the air.
+
+       ***
+
+After more than five weeks the bubble blown by Sir JAMES DEWAR at the
+Royal Institution on February 17th has burst. A still larger bubble,
+blown by some eminent German scientists as long ago as August, 1914, is
+said to be on the point of dissolution.
+
+       ***
+
+At one of the North London Tribunals a maker of meat pies applied for
+exemption on the ground that he had a conscientious objection to taking
+life. His application was refused, the tribunal apparently being of the
+opinion that a man who knew all about meat pies could decimate the
+German forces without striking a blow.
+
+       ***
+
+Colonel ROOSEVELT says he has found a bird that lives in a cave, eats
+nuts, barks like a dog and has whiskers; and the political wiseacres in
+Washington are asking who it can be.
+
+       ***
+
+An exciting hockey match was played on Saturday between a team of
+policemen and another composed of special constables. The policemen
+won--by a few feet.
+
+       ***
+
+For gallantry at the ovens a German master-baker has just been awarded
+the Iron Cross. This is probably intended as a sop to the Army bakers,
+who are understood to have regarded it as a slight upon their calling
+that hitherto this distinction has been largely reserved for people who
+have shown themselves to be efficient butchers.
+
+       ***
+
+At a meeting of barbers held in the City a few days ago it was
+unanimously decided to raise the price of a shave to _3d._ The reason,
+it was explained, was the high cost of living, which tempted the
+customers to eat far more soap than formerly.
+
+       ***
+
+In the Lambeth Police Court a man was convicted of stealing three
+galvanized iron roofs. His explanation that he had had the good fortune
+to win them at an auction bridge party was rejected by the Court.
+
+       ***
+
+A Mr. R. H. PEARCE, writing to _The Times_, says: "I once lived in a
+house where my neighbour (a lady) kept twelve cats." Mr. PEARCE is
+probably unique in his experience. Our own neighbours only go so far as
+to arrange for the entertainment of their cats in our garden.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIRST CASUALTY OF THE NON-COMBATANT CORPS.
+
+[Illustration: _Red Cross Man._ "What is it?"
+
+_Stretcher-bearer._ "Shock. He was digging and he cut a worm in half."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Appropriate Locale.
+
+    "Bohemian Picture Theatre, Phibsboro' To-day for Three Days
+    Only, Justus Miles Forman's Exciting Story, The Garden of Lies."
+
+    _Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VARIETIES.
+
+    "A word that is always spelled swrong.--W-r-o-n-g."--_Wellington
+    Journal._
+
+We don't believe this is true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WEAR NO MORE CLOTHES than are absolutely
+    necessary."
+
+    _Dundee Courier._
+
+Several cases of shock are reported among ladies who got no further than
+the large type lines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART IN WAR-TIME.
+
+    [_A fragmentary essay in up-to-date criticism of any modern
+    Exhibition--the R. A. excluded._]
+
+In the Central Hall the Reduplicated Præteritists, the Tangentialists
+and the Paraphrasts are all well represented. Mr. Orguly Bolp's large
+painting, entitled "Embrocation," is an interesting experiment in the
+handling of aplanatic surfaces, in which the toxic determinants are
+harmonized by a sort of plastic _meiosis_ with syncopated rhythms. His
+other large picture, "Interior of a Dumbbell by Night," has the same
+basic idea without the appearance of it, and gives a very vital sense of
+the elimination of noumenal perceptivity. M. Paparrigopoulo, the Greek
+Paraphrast, calls one of his pictures "The Antecedent," another "The
+Relative," and a third "The Correlative," but though they are thus
+united syntactically each follows its own reticulation to a logical
+conclusion, and carries with it a spiritual sanction, not always
+coherent perhaps, but none the less satisfying. Miss Felicity
+Quackenboss's portrait of Saint Vitus is perhaps the most arresting
+contribution to the exhibition, and portrays the Saint intoxicated with
+the exuberance of his own agility. It is a very carnival of contortion.
+Mr. Widgery Pimble transcribes very searchingly the post-prandial
+lethargy of a boa-constrictor, the process of deglutition being
+indicated with great dignity and delicacy, as might be expected from so
+austere a realist. From one angle the figure might be taken for a Bengal
+tiger, and from another for a zebra--a good proof of the suggestiveness
+of the artist's method. But, whether it be reptile or quadruped, the
+spirit of repletion broods over the canvas with irresistible force. Mr.
+Thaddeus Tumulty sends some admirable drawings in _pisé de terre_, one
+of which, called "The Pragmatist at Play," is a masterpiece of
+osteological _bravura_....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dr. Solff, the German Minister for the Conolies, has left for
+    Constantinople."
+
+    _Egyptian Mail._
+
+Another injustice to Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUTHFUL JAMES
+
+ON DOCTORS.
+
+"You're not looking well," said the staff of _The Muddleton Weekly
+Gazette_ sympathetically.
+
+"No, Sir. Can't sleep, Sir. Haven't done for days till last night. I
+went off beautiful quite early, and then the new nurse come and woke me
+to give me my sleeping draught. That finished it for the night. Strange
+thing, sleep. There's no sense about it. Take Bill Hawkins now, a pal of
+mine in B Company. He was hit and took to hospital. Not serious at all.
+'Me for a rest cure,' he says. But he was in that hospital for weeks and
+weeks, getting worse and worse; he couldn't sleep a wink. The more they
+drugged him, and the more sheep he counted, the more wide-awake he was.
+The doctors got angry and called him an obstinate case. He said it
+wasn't poisons but noise he needed, so they fetched an orderly and set
+him banging one of them frying-pan baths with a ram-rod. In five minutes
+Bill falls asleep as peaceful as a lamb, and the orderly, being tired,
+stops. Up leaps Bill, wide awake as ever, asking what's wrong. Naturally
+they couldn't bang a bath for him all night every night, and the house
+surgeon was just thinking about getting ready a slab in the mortuary,
+when Bill's brother, an engine-driver, comes along. He took Bill to his
+box just outside Charing Cross station and made up a bed for him there.
+Bill slept for three days solid and was about again in a week."
+
+"Very fortunate," murmured the _Gazette_.
+
+"So that time, you see, the doctors was done. But that don't often
+happen. There was a doctor I knew out there, name of Gordon. Young
+fellow he was, too, and very keen; seemed to think the War was started
+specially to give him surgical practice, and he loved his lancets more
+than his mother. He used to welcome cases with open arms, so to speak,
+do his very best to heal 'em quick, and weep when he succeeded. Well, he
+happened to be in our trench one day, showing our Sub a new case of
+knives, when Charlie Black was carried in on a stretcher in an awful
+mess.
+
+"'I must operate at once to save your life,' he says.
+
+"Charlie smiled as best he could and said he was agreeable.
+
+"'But there's no anæsthetic here,' he says, 'and I can't do it without.
+Couldn't you do a faint for me?'
+
+"Charlie says he's sorry, but he's never practised fetching a faint at
+will, like a woman can.
+
+"'Well, then,' he says, 'you'll have to be stunned.' And he fetches a
+small sandbag and gives it to the stretcher-bearer.
+
+"'Chap here,' he explains to Charlie, 'will count up slowly, and when he
+gets to fifty he'll hit you on the head with the sandbag and knock you
+out.'
+
+"Charlie grins, and the stretcher-bearer begins to count. When he gets
+to ten he rolls up his sleeves; when he gets to twenty he takes a good
+grip of the sandbag; at thirty he rolls his eyes and sticks out his jaw;
+at forty, he lifts the bag over his shoulder and draws one foot back,
+Charlie watching him all the time. 'For-ty-six,' he says slowly, 'for-ty
+seven, for-ty-eight, for-ty-nine,' and then----"
+
+"You're not going to tell me that he really----"
+
+"No, he didn't," said Truthful James. "Charlie fainted."
+
+"That was their intention, I presume?"
+
+"Your presumption is correct, Sir. The doctor finished the job before
+Charlie come to again. Smart, wasn't it?"
+
+"Very smart indeed."
+
+"But that's nothing. Nothing at all to what he could do. He once cut a
+fellow open, took out his liver, extracted twenty-three shrapnel bullets
+from it, bounced it on the floor to see it was all right, and put it
+back, all inside of three minutes. And the fellow what owns the liver
+hasn't had a to-morrow morning head-ache once since."
+
+"He must be a very clever doctor," suggested the other, to fill in a
+pause.
+
+"Talking of doctors," James went on, "reminds me of a man I saw out
+there who wasn't a doctor, leastways not one of ours. We was in the
+fire-trenches one night when a voice hails us from the other side of the
+entanglements. After the usual questions we brings him over the parapet,
+and he explains to our Sub that he's been in front attending to some
+wounded men in a listening post what was blown up. All perfectly correct
+and proper; gives his name and rank, too, and is wearing an R.A.M.C.
+uniform--rank, Captain. As he passes me on his way to the Sub's dug-out
+I happens to catch sight of his face, and it give me quite a shock. I
+was took ill immediate. I manages to stagger to the dug-out, and I
+mutters hoarsely, 'Sir, I'm sick. I think I'm going to die.'
+
+"'Sick?' says the Sub. 'You don't look sick.'
+
+"'I'm sorry, Sir,' I says.
+
+"'Well,' says he, turning to the other man, 'the Captain here will soon
+put you right.'
+
+"'Certainly,' says the Doc very sharp. 'Where do you feel pain--stomach,
+heart, head?'
+
+"'No, Sir,' says I, 'I got a nawful pain in me inn'erds.'
+
+"'What did you say?' he asks.
+
+"'In me inn'erds, Sir,' I says, 'spreading from me gizzard to me
+probossis,' them being the only out-of-the-way words I could think of
+off-hand.
+
+"'H'm,' says he, pretending to understand perfectly, 'it is probably
+nothing serious. You must diet yourself; take nothing but light food
+and----'
+
+"Here the Sub interrupts him, thinking there's something mighty queer
+about a doctor what is so ready to prescribe diet for a probossis, and
+asks him a lot more questions. Of course the beer was in the sawdust
+then, and very soon a guard was called up to take our German Captain
+Doctor Spy away to a safe place.
+
+"It was lucky I knew his face. Before perfidjus Albion forced this war
+on the poor KAYSER I'd seen him often in London. He was boss of a firm
+above the place where I worked, and he used to order his Huns about in
+their own language, and chuck his empty lager bottles out of his window
+into our yard. I'm glad I got my own back for that."
+
+"Jim," cried an orderly, "you're wanted for your dressing."
+
+James rose languidly. "That means na-poo, then, Sir," he said.
+
+"Na-poo?" echoed the _Gazette_.
+
+"Where's your learning, Sir?" asked James. "That's French for 'no
+more.'"
+
+"I hope your dressing will not be painful," ventured the other.
+
+"How would you like to have a probe rammed through your hand twice a
+day?" demanded James with a smile. "But it's all part of the game.
+Comforts for Tommy. Everyone has their own way of making us happy, not
+forgetting the dear lady what sent us three hundred little lavender
+bags, with pretty little bows on them, all sewn by herself, to keep our
+linen sweetly perfumed. It's nice to think that they all mean well, and
+I always follow the advice of the auctioneer what was trying to pass off
+a plated teapot as solid silver."
+
+"What did he say?"
+
+"Look at the bright side," answered James over his shoulder as he
+hurried away. "O reevwaw, Sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the night of February 29th ten thousand women marched
+    through Unter Den London crying 'bread' and 'peace.'"
+
+    _Daily Gleaner_ (_Kingston, Jamaica._)
+
+We missed them in the Tube.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WAIT AND SEE."
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Asquith. "WELL, AS WE SAY IN HOME, I HAVE BEEN, I
+HAVE SEEN----"
+
+Mr. Punch. "THEN YOU NEEDN'T WAIT ANY MORE, SIR; ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS
+TO GO IN AND CONQUER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PULLING OF PERCY'S LEG.
+
+It was one of those calm quarters of an hour which sometimes happen even
+in a Y.M.C.A. canteen. Private Penny, leaning over the counter, consumed
+coffee and buns and bestowed spasmodic confidences upon me as I cut up
+cake into the regulation slices.
+
+"Oxo and biscuits, please," broke in a languid voice suddenly, and a
+pale young man with an armlet approached the counter. I turned away for
+the cup, and Private Penny, laying down his mug, addressed the newcomer.
+
+"Who are you?" he inquired genially.
+
+The young man surveyed him with cold superiority; then he turned to me.
+
+"I'm a DERBY man, you see," he began complacently. "A lot of pals'll be
+here presently, and we're all going to join this afternoon. They're
+late."
+
+"And what," I asked with resentment, for Private Penny was a friend of
+mine, "are you going to join?"
+
+It appeared that this superior person, after unprejudiced consideration
+of the matter, had decided to join the A.S.C. He said he considered he
+would be of most use in the A.S.C.; he said he was specially designed
+and constructed by Providence for the A.S.C.; he said....
+
+And then suddenly we became aware that Private Penny was mourning gently
+to himself over a dough-nut.
+
+"Pore chap!" he was muttering, "pore young feller--'e don't know. None
+of 'em knows till it's too late, and then they finds their mistake. No
+good to tell 'em--pore chap, pore chap--so pleased over it, too!"
+
+"What's that you're saying?" the youth cut in anxiously.
+
+"Young man," said Private Penny very solemnly, "if you'd take my
+advice--the advice of one that's served his country twelve months at the
+Front--you'd let the Army Service Corps alone. Not that I'm doubting
+you're a plucky young feller enough, but you ain't up to that. It's
+_nerve_ you want for it. Well, I wouldn't take it on myself, and I'm
+pretty well seasoned. Why, you 'ave to go calmly into the mouth of 'ell
+with supplies, over the open ground, when the Infantry's safe and snug
+in the trenches. You ain't strong enough for it--reely you ain't."
+
+"Er--" hesitated the young man.
+
+"Well, I _had_ thought of the R.A.M.C. Mother's idea was----"
+
+Private Penny groaned. "You know," he said with emotion, "I've took a
+kind of fancy to you, Percy. And if it's me dying breath I
+says--_don't!_ That kind of work ain't right nor proper for the likes of
+you. Why, you 'ave to go out in the field there (and you ain't even
+armed, nor protected, mind you!) and you 'ave to see the most _orrerble_
+sights! Can't I tell by yer face, can't I see with me understanding eyes
+that you're the sort that would go mad in no time if you 'ad some o'
+them things to do? If it's me last word----" Emotion choked him.
+
+Percy looked wildly around. "There's the Artillery," he gasped, "if
+that's your advice."
+
+Private Penny burst into a sob of uncontrollable anguish. "Percy," he
+moaned, "if you want to break me heart, that's the way to do it! _Say_
+I've advised you to that, if you like, but it ain't true. With all me
+soul I says--_don't_ do it. Think, dear boy, think. Kinsider the
+_guns!_--the noise--the smoke--the smell--the bursting shells all
+round--the mad horses and mules everywhere. If you 'ave any affection
+for me in your 'eart, Percival, leave the guns alone! If you can't
+control your courage for my sake--your fool'ardiness, Percy!--think of
+all your dear ones at 'ome and turn back before it is too late!"
+
+Percy shuddered. "I might try the Engineers," he said hopelessly, "but
+I don't----"
+
+"If," said Private Penny in the still tones of despair, "_I_ have druv
+you to this, I shall cut me throat. I can't live with that on me
+conscience. 'Ave you thought of the danger of mining and sapping? 'Ave
+you kinsidered field telegrafts? 'Ave you--'ot-'eaded and impulsive as
+you are--'ave you kinsidered _anything_? Percy, if you're set on this
+job, tell me quick, and put me out of me agony!"
+
+"No," said Percy abruptly. "But"--with sudden misgiving--"w-what can I
+do? I'm on my way to join and I must join _something_."
+
+Private Penny pushed his mug over to be re-filled. "I'm an infantryman
+myself," he said carelessly, "and I speaks as one that knows. And wot I
+says is--if you wants a cheerful protected kinder life, with a quiet
+'ole to 'ide yer 'ead in--if you wants rest and comfort, kimbined with
+plenty o' fresh air--if you wants to serve yer King and country without
+any danger to yer 'ealth, then the infantry's the life for you, and the
+trenches is the place to spend it in. Ain't I been out there one solid
+year, and no 'arm 'appened to me yet? It's child's play, that it is,
+sitting there in a 'ole, with big guns booming over you protective-like
+from be'ind and killing all the enemy in front for you. And yer food and
+yer love-letters brought to you regular, and doctors and parsons to see
+you whenever you feels queer. Take my advice, Percy my son--join the
+Infantry at once and make sure of a gentleman's life. I've took a fancy
+to you, and I tells you straight." And he eclipsed himself behind his
+replenished mug.
+
+"Thank you very much," said Percy gratefully, "I can see that the
+Infantry is the place for me. I shall insist upon joining it. Thank you
+_very_ much for all your advice----"
+
+At this moment a great wave of khaki burst into the room and swept to
+the counter, clamouring for attention. On the crest of it came Percy's
+friends in mufti, and once, across the tumult, his voice reached my
+ears. "... quite decided...." he was saying loftily, "some infantry
+regiment or other just seems...." and he was jostled away in the centre
+of an admiring group.
+
+Involuntarily I looked across at Private Penny.
+
+One eye met mine from behind an upturned mug, and the lid fell and rose
+again, once, rapidly; he too had heard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Council of War in the Desert.
+
+    "British Officers are here seen holding a 'bow-wow.'"--_Western
+    Weekly News._
+
+Very natural. In the desert most days are "dog-days."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_on a round of inspection, during prolonged
+pause in manoeuvres_). "And what is the disposition of your men,
+Sergeant?"
+
+_Sergeant._ "Fed-up, Sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEUTRAL NEWSMONGER.
+
+  Who cheers us when we're in the blues
+  With reassuring German news
+  Of starving Berliners in queues?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  And then, soon after, tells us they
+  Are feeding nicely all the day
+  Just in the old familiar way?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Who sees the KAISER in Berlin
+  Dejected, haggard, old as sin,
+  And shaking in his hoary skin?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Then says he's quite a Sunny Jim,
+  That buoyant health and youthful vim
+  Are sticking out all over him?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  Who tells us tales of KRUPP'S new guns
+  Much larger than the other ones,
+  And endless trains chockful of Huns?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  And then, when our last hope has fled,
+  Declares the Huns are either dead
+  Or hopelessly dispirited?
+      The Neutral.
+
+  In short, who seems to be a blend
+  Of Balaam's Ass, the bore's godsend
+  And _Mrs. Gamp's_ elusive friend?
+      The Neutral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Humiliation of Jones, who hitherto has been accustomed to
+drop off unaided].
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO MANAGERS.
+
+A new and very popular addition to the comic opera, _Tina_, at the
+Adelphi, is a stage representation of "Eve," the writer of "The Letters
+of Eve" in _The Tatler_, together with her retinue and her dog.
+
+Here we see Journalism and the Drama more than ever mutually dependent,
+and the developments of the idea might be numberless. _Lord Times_, in
+_A Kiss for Cinderella_, already illustrates one of them; but why not a
+complete play, with favourite newspaper contributors as the _dramatis
+personæ_? or a revue, to be called, say, _The Tenth Muse_, or _Hullo,
+Inky_!
+
+Or, if not a whole play or revue, a scene could be arranged in which the
+great scribes processed past. One group might consist of Carmelite
+Friars, with "Quex" and "The Rambler," each with a luncheon host on one
+arm and a musical-comedy actress on the other; "An Englishman," with his
+scourge of knotted cords, on his eternal but honourable quest for a
+malefactor; and "Robin Goodfellow," still, in spite of war and official
+requests for economy, pointing to the glories of the race-course and
+pathetically endeavouring to find winners. These would make an
+impressive company--with a good song and dance to finish up with.
+
+_The Referee's_ contribution would obviously be too easy; it would
+simply be like a revival of _King Arthur_. The audience, however, would
+be in luck when "Dagonet" got really warmed up to tell yet once more the
+thrilling story of how he met HENRY PETTITT in the brave days of old.
+
+A whiff of _The Three Musketeers_ would exhilarate the house at the
+entry of "Chicot," the Jester of _The Sketch_; while finally we might
+look for an excellent effect from "Claudius Clear" and "A Man of Kent,"
+of _The British Weekly_, masquerading as the Heavenly Twins.
+
+These notes merely, of course, touch the fringe of a vast subject. Many
+other holders of famous _noms de guerre_ remain, such as "Mr. Gossip"
+and "Mrs. Gossip," and "Captain Coe" and "A Playful Stallite," and
+"Historicus" and "Atlas" and "Scrutator" and "Alpha of the Plough"; but
+only "Eve" has had the wit to include pictures of herself in every
+article; therefore only "Eve" can be instantly recognised. These others,
+if they wish to be equally successful on the stage (and it is certain
+they would like to be), must have always a portrait too. The Heavenly
+Twins might like to use one, by Mr. WELLS, which already exists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOVE.
+
+I was at first inclined to look upon this dove as being largely
+symbolical. So far as I could gather it had never been here before--at
+any rate no one could be found who had seen it here or in the
+neighbourhood, and it seemed obvious that its sudden emergence, as it
+were, out of nothing must have some high and dove-like signification.
+
+Probably before the end of the week the KAISER would sue for peace and
+swallow Mr. ASQUITH'S formula. Since then, however, Verdun has happened
+and VON TIRPITZ has gone, and nobody seems in the least disposed to stop
+the crash of arms. That being so, and the dove being still with us, I am
+forced, in spite of myself, to look upon it as an entirely real bird and
+to keep on wondering what strange freak brought it to us and made it an
+honoured member of this household.
+
+It arrived about ten weeks ago quite unexpectedly and suddenly. One
+morning there was no dove; on the following morning, having fluttered
+hither from I know not what remote and solitary region, it had perched
+on the branch of a poplar set close to the house. There it remained
+while we breakfasted, and from that point of vantage it broke out into a
+long series of loud and melodious cooings that sounded like nothing so
+much as a gurgling stream of benedictions poured out over the house and
+those who dwelt in it by one who plainly proposed to be a grateful
+though not a paying guest. It was wonderful to hear it.
+
+From the branch this persistent and pleasing bird shortly removed itself
+to the window-sill of one of the bedrooms, and into this room, when
+breakfast was over, the children trooped. The dove was pecking eagerly
+at the window-pane. "Let's open the window for it," said one of the
+girls, "and see what happens." Very gently, then, the window was opened,
+and what immediately happened was that, without the least sign of alarm,
+nay rather with the air of one repeating a customary action, the dove
+walked in, took a short flight, and settled on the toilet-table. There
+it caught sight of its soft grey reflection in the looking-glass and at
+once began to parade up and down before it, swelling itself out and
+bobbing its head in evident admiration of the beautiful being so
+fortunately offered to its view. Soon it attempted to approach this
+vision, but was surprised to find itself foiled by the cold impermeable
+surface of the glass. Puzzled, but not, I think, definitely hopeless--it
+performs the same antics in one or other of the bedrooms every day--it
+left the toilet-table, circled round the room and perched confidingly on
+the shoulder of one of the little girls who were admiring it, and began
+once more to coo in a very ecstasy of enjoyment.
+
+Later on, food was provided for it, which it pecked up without the least
+shyness. Since then it has established itself on a very firm clawing, if
+I may use the term, as a necessary inmate of the house. Fluttering
+through the passages it follows the maids from room to room in the
+morning and shows the most lively interest in their work while beds are
+being made or tables dusted. It has the most perfect trustfulness, not
+merely allowing itself to be handled, but coming to perch on a wrist or
+shoulder as if it had belonged there from, time immemorial. It really is
+a pretty thing to have about the house, an embodiment of gentleness and
+kindness, and, so far as a mere human being can judge, of an almost
+dog-like gratitude and affection. I have seen a bullfinch swell up in a
+passionate agitation of love when from its cage it beheld its dear
+mistress enter the room, but it had never occurred to me before this to
+attribute such a feeling to a dove. I ought, I suppose, to have known
+better, as I now do. At this very moment it is cooing away like mad at
+its declaration of undying love from its favourite haunt on the
+mantelpiece of one of the bedrooms.
+
+But it has another utterance which it employs at rare intervals. This is
+a sort of high-pitched laugh thoroughly unsuited to its softness, a most
+cynical and derisive sound which in so kind a beak seems to have neither
+meaning nor purpose. But I overlook its rare laugh in consideration of
+the cooing with which it blesses us and the general friendship which it
+has vowed to this house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECALLED.
+
+[Illustration: The second great sale on behalf of the wounded will be
+held at Christie's (8 King Street, St. James' Square) from the 6th to
+the 19th of April, and from the 26th to the 28th. The entire
+proceeds--no charge for their services being made by Messrs. Christie,
+Manson & Woods--will be handed over to the British Red Cross Society and
+the Order of the Hospital of St. John of Jerusalem. The exhibits are
+still on view to-day (April 5th).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Husband._ "Darlint, 'tis yer own Michael that's come
+home to yez!"
+
+_Wife._ "Sure, Mike, ye're not afther thrying anny of thim personating
+thricks on me, are yez?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOBBERY PACK.
+
+  Andy Hartigan's dead and gone
+    Over the hills and further yet,
+  But he drank good port and his red face shone
+    Like a cider apple of Somerset.
+
+  Ten strange couples o' hounds he had
+    (Gaunt old brutes that had hunted fox
+  Back in the days when NOAH was a lad),
+    Touched in the bellows and gone at the hocks--
+
+  Hounds he'd stole from a Harrier pack,
+    Hounds he'd borrowed an' begged an' found,
+  Grey an' yellow an' tan an' black,
+    Every conceivable kind o' hound.
+
+  He called them "harriers," and a few
+    _Were_ harriers--back when the world began--
+  But they weren't particular where they drew
+    An' they weren't particular what they ran.
+
+  I mind him once of a bygone morn
+    Ruddy an' round on his flea-bit horse,
+  Twangin' a note on his battered horn
+    An' cappin' them into the Frenchman gorse.
+
+  They pushed a brown hare out of her form
+    An' swung on her line with a crash of tongues;
+  But a vixen crossed an' her scent was warm,
+    So they ran her, screechin' to burst their lungs.
+
+  They ran her into my lord's demesne,
+    Where my lady's fallows were grazing free;
+  They picked a stag and followed again,
+    Singing like souls in ecstasy.
+
+  They chased the stag up over the ridge
+    With lolling tongues an' with heaving flanks;
+  They lost him down by the Cluddlah bridge,
+    But killed an otter on Cluddlah's banks.
+
+  They had no shape an' they had no style;
+    Their manners were bad an' their morals slack;
+  They were noisy, but wonderful versatile,
+    Andy Hartigan's bobbery pack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+High (Explosive) Finance.
+
+    "The issuing of premium bombs, whilst not, strictly speaking, a
+    lottery or gamble, would give such people what they ask for, and
+    that is a chance to get something unusual and tempting."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+Unusual, certainly; but tempting?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A War-Menu.
+
+    "GIRLS experienced Wanted to feed on Wharfdale machines."
+
+    _Nottingham Evening Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BROADWOODWIDGER.--A new pipe organ has been installed at the
+    parish church. A recital was given by the Rev. C. B. Walters, of
+    Stokeclimsland, while a sermon was preached by the Rev. Canon
+    Lewis, of Launceston."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The Broadwoodwidger example deserves imitation. Some sermons would be
+much more tolerable if they had a musical accompaniment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A mere automatic raising of the Income Tax strikes
+    indiscriminately at the just and the unjust; it is just as
+    likely to cripple the man who is supporting and educating a
+    large family sybarite."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+And a very good thing too. For ourselves, we have always discouraged the
+growth of these bulky profligates in the domestic circle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_meeting small acquaintance_). "Hullo, Ethel, so
+you've started one of those things?"
+
+_Ethel._ "Yes, we're all having to come to them. Rather a drop-down
+after the Rolls-Royce, but--war-time, you know."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YELLOW PRESSURE.
+
+"Rather a funny thing happened the other day," she remarked.
+
+"Yes?" I replied languidly.
+
+"About you."
+
+"Oh!" I said with animation. "Do tell me."
+
+"It was at lunch," she explained, "at Duke's. The people at the next
+table were talking about you. I couldn't help hearing a little. A man
+there said he had met you in Shanghai."
+
+"Not really!" I exclaimed.
+
+"Yes. He met you in Shanghai."
+
+"That's frightfully interesting," I said. "What did he say about me?"
+
+"That's what I couldn't hear," she replied. "You see I had to pay some
+attention to my own crowd. I only caught the word 'delightful.'"
+
+Ever since she told me this. I have been turning it over in my mind; and
+it is particularly vexing not to know more. "Delightful" can be such
+jargon and mean nothing--or, at any rate, nothing more than amiability.
+Still, that is something, for one is not always amiable, even when
+meeting strangers. On the other hand it might be, from this man, the
+highest praise.
+
+The whole thing naturally leads to thought, because I have never been
+farther east than Athens in my life.
+
+Yet here is a man who met me in Shanghai. What does it mean? Can we
+possibly visit other cities in our sleep? Has each of us an _alter ego_,
+who can really behave, elsewhere?
+
+Whether we have or not, I know that this information about my Shanghai
+double is going to be a great nuisance to me. It is going to change my
+character. In fact it has already begun to do so. Let me give you an
+example.
+
+Only yesterday I was about to be very angry with a telegraph boy who
+brought back a telegram I had despatched about two hours earlier, saying
+that it could not be delivered because it was insufficiently addressed.
+Obviously it was not the boy's fault, for he belonged to our country
+post-office and the telegram had been sent to London and was returned
+from there; and yet I started to abuse that boy as though he were not
+only the POSTMASTER-GENERAL himself but the inventor of red-tape into
+the bargain. And all for a piece of carelessness of my own.
+
+And then suddenly I remembered Shanghai and how delightful I was there.
+And I shut up instantly and apologised and rewrote the message and gave
+the boy a shilling for himself. If one could be delightful in Shanghai
+one must be delightful at home too.
+
+And so it is going to be. There is very little fun for me in the future,
+and all because of that nice-mannered man in Shanghai whom I must not
+disgrace. For it would be horrible if one day a lady told him that she
+had overheard someone who had met him in London and found him to be a
+bear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HERRICK TO JULIA.
+
+(_War Edition_).
+
+  When as in silks my Julia goes
+  Then, then (methinks) how wanton shows
+  That efflorescence of her clothes.
+
+  But when I cast mine eyes and see
+  Her drest for decent industry,
+  Oh, how that plainness taketh me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR TRAITORS.
+
+[Illustration: A WARNING TO PROMOTERS OF STRIKES IN WAR-TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, March 28th._--Sir EDWARD CARSON was back on the Front
+Opposition Bench to-day, so much the better for his recent rest-cure
+that he is credited with the desire to prescribe similar treatment for
+other jaded politicians. Three of the potential patients--the PRIME
+MINISTER, the FOREIGN SECRETARY and the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS--have
+anticipated his kindly suggestion by going for a little trip on the
+Seine, and are making arrangements with their Continental friends for
+another on the Spree at a later date.
+
+[Illustration: REST CURES.
+
+Sir Edward Carson, M.D., anxious to prescribe.]
+
+Before his departure Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, ever thoughtful for the welfare
+of others, arranged with the Military authorities to give a change of
+scene to six members of the Clyde Workers' Committee, who have been
+recently over-straining their vocal chords. This was the impression I
+got from Dr. ADDISON, who, like his great namesake, is a master of the
+bland style; but Sir EDWARD CARSON thrust aside official euphemism and
+bluntly inquired whether these men were not in fact assisting the KING'S
+enemies, and ought not to be indicted for high treason.
+
+The suppression of a number of _Sinn Fein_ papers in Ireland stimulated
+Mr. GINNELL to the concoction of a Question about as long as a leading
+article. To ensure a reply he addressed it simultaneously to the UNDER
+SECRETARY FOR WAR and the CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND. In spite of this
+precaution he was disappointed, for, owing to the storm, Mr. BIRRELL had
+not received the necessary information from Ireland, while Mr. TENNANT,
+no doubt for the same reason, had not even received the Question. Mr.
+GINNELL is now convinced that the official conspiracy against him has
+been joined by the Clerk of the Weather.
+
+I shall hardly be surprised if the next time I walk down Whitehall I
+find sandwichmen out with their boards inscribed--
+
+  Westminster Aerodrome.
+  Flying every Tuesday.
+  Billing Breaks all Records.
+
+The new Member for East Herts has displayed unprecedented dexterity in
+catching the SPEAKER'S eye. In three weeks he has already spoken more
+columns of _Hansard_ than many Members fill during a long Parliamentary
+career. His speech to-day consisted almost entirely of a catalogue of
+fatal accidents to aviators, due, he declared, to the faulty engines and
+machines supplied to them by the Government--"though within twenty miles
+of here we have a far better machine than the _Fokker_."
+
+Previous to this we had listened to a bright and diverting dialogue
+between Mr. DUDLEY WARD, representing the Anti-Aircraft Service, and Mr.
+JOYNSON-HICKS, briefed by the Municipal authorities, on the question of
+what happened at Ramsgate during the last raid. As they differed _in
+toto_ on every detail the House was not much the wiser for the
+discussion, but it was consoled by Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS' remark that "if
+the MAYOR and TOWN CLERK have lied to me no one will be more pleased
+than myself."
+
+Members were much more impressed by the obvious sincerity and occasional
+eloquence of the appeal on behalf of the East Coast towns made by Sir A.
+GELDER. His indignation at the trick played on one place by the Military
+authorities, who tried to allay public anxiety by mounting a dummy gun,
+was shared by the House.
+
+Mr. TENNANT did not attempt to deny or palliate this imposture, but he
+made a fairly adequate reply to other counts of the indictment, and
+promised a judicial inquiry into the casualties enumerated by Mr.
+BILLING. The revelation that he himself has a son in the Flying Corps
+was perhaps the most effective point in a speech which did not wholly
+remove the impression that the Government has its head in the air rather
+than its heart.
+
+_Wednesday, March 29th._--There are more ways than one of getting into
+the House of Commons. Mr. PERCY HARRIS, the new Member for the Market
+Harborough division, who took his seat to-day, arrived by the
+old-fashioned route of a contested election. He was just about to shake
+hands with the SPEAKER when a khaki-clad stranger took a short cut from
+the Gallery and reached the floor _per saltum_. Not only so, but before
+he could be arrested this Messenger from Mars succeeded in delivering
+his maiden speech, to the effect that British soldiers' heads should be
+protected against shrapnel-fire. The SERJEANT-AT-ARMS, who had had a
+narrow escape, goes further, holding the view that his own head should
+be protected from acrobatic British soldiers.
+
+To-day Mr. LONG had the difficult task of convincing the House that the
+married men had no grievance, and that the Government were doing their
+best to remove it. Only a man who has fought with bulls in Ireland could
+hope to tackle such a paradox. Mr. LONG, having enjoyed that experience,
+was fairly successful.
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON, who had been expected by some people to initiate a
+raging "Down-the-Government" agitation, was comparatively mild, and,
+admitting that his late colleagues had done something, chiefly blamed
+them for not having done it earlier. Still he made it plain that in his
+view compulsion all round was inevitable if Prussianism was to be
+crushed. Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITH agreed with him. The Government ought not to
+bargain with the public; it ought to give them a clear and definite
+command. Such sentiments, proceeding from one who still claimed to
+belong to the Liberal Party, shocked Sir WILLIAM BYLES. Maintaining that
+those who had voted against the Military Service Bill were the truest
+friends of the PRIME MINISTER, he promised again to give him his
+invaluable support "if he would only lead us to our accustomed pasture."
+There is no justification, however, for the theory that the worthy
+knight is a candidate for the Order of the Thistle.
+
+_Thursday, March 30th._--In the Lords to-day Viscount TEMPLETOWN moved
+that London should be declared a prohibited area, with a view to
+removing the eight or nine thousand Germans still carrying on business
+there. His argument was a little difficult to follow, for it included a
+complaint that in Eastbourne, which is a prohibited area, a number of
+aliens are residing in comfort and affluence. The Marquis of LANSDOWNE,
+usually so logical, on this occasion answered inconsequence by
+inconsequence. In one breath he asserted that to declare the whole of
+the Metropolis a prohibited area would throw too much work on the
+police; and in the next that it would have the effect of driving away
+large numbers of aliens to places not so well policed as London is.
+Lord BERESFORD caught the infection. In the course of a long question
+designed to clear General TOWNSHEND of the responsibility for the
+advance upon Bagdad, he remarked with startling irrelevance that if his
+(Lord BERESFORD's) advice had been taken by the PRIME MINISTER the
+_Lusitania_ would still be afloat and we should have lost no battleships
+in the Dardanelles. He did not appear to attach undue importance to this
+claim, and Lord ISLINGTON, who replied for the Government, did not think
+it necessary to make any reference to it, but contented himself with
+stating that the Bagdad advance was authorised on the advice of General
+NIXON and the Indian Government, and professing official ignorance of
+any representations on the part of General TOWNSHEND.
+
+In the Commons the trouble on the Clyde was the _pièce de résistance_.
+At Question time Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, fresh from the Paris Conference, had
+to deal with a number of inquiries put by the little group of Scottish
+malcontents whose notion of patriotism is to embarrass the Government on
+each and every occasion. Mr. HOGGE wanted to know when the MINISTER OF
+MUNITIONS was going to give the other side of the case--"the German
+side," as an interrupter pertinently put it; and Mr. PRINGLE intimated
+that a settlement could have been reached but for the unreasonableness
+of the Government.
+
+This gave Dr. ADDISON, usually the mildest-mannered man that ever lanced
+a gumboil, an opportunity of administering to big accuser a much-needed
+lesson in deportment. The hon. Member had first forced himself, without
+invitation, into a private conversation in the Minister's room, and had
+then given a totally misleading account of what took place. He had made
+himself the spokesman of a body which had displayed "a treacherous
+disregard of the highest national interests."
+
+Mr. PRINGLE was as much surprised as if he had been bitten by a rabbit,
+and wound up an unconvincing defence of himself with the remark that he
+would rather keep silence than say anything to exacerbate feeling. It is
+a pity that his friend Mr. HOGGE did not imitate this wise if rather
+tardy reticence. He gave Mr. LLOYD GEORGE the lie when he was describing
+how the disputes had interfered with the supply of guns urgently needed
+by the Army, and provoked the retort that, instead of encouraging the
+strikers by unfounded suggestions, he would be better employed if "with
+what credit is left to him" he went down to the Clyde and tried to get
+them to work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "Good gracious! The Brown-Smiths!! I thought they
+were so poor."
+
+_He._ "Yes. But, you see, he's been supplying the Government with shells
+for quite a fortnight!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LETTER TO THE FRONT.
+
+"Kin yer write a letter?"
+
+"More or less," I said. I did not rate myself with Madame DE STAËL nor
+with EDWARD FITZGERALD, but I forebore to mention these names because I
+thought that they would not be familiar to my questioner. If you happen
+to know Paradise Rents, Fulham, you will realise that neither Madame DE
+STAËL, nor FITZGERALD is much read there. Moreover, the type that
+addressed me had not the aspect of a literary man.
+
+He was a man of some seven years, maybe, in company with a younger man,
+perhaps of five. He was hatless, coatless, waistcoatless, but he had a
+pair of trousers, short in the leg, precariously held by one brace. That
+is the fashion in Paradise Rents. I had come upon these two young men
+about Fulham as they were staring with absorbed interest into the
+undertaker's shop advantageously situated for custom at the corner of
+the Rents and the main street. Certainly it was a pleasant window.
+Besides the legends and texts, the artificial wreaths and the pictures
+of tombs and tombstones, there was a number of model coffins in
+miniature. It was these that had fascinated the attention of the two
+young men.
+
+"I should like one o' them to ply with," said the elder covetously.
+
+"What would yer do with it, Bill?" the younger asked.
+
+"I'd put the old KAYSER in it, along wi' Farver."
+
+It is rude to laugh at other people's conversation, particularly if you
+have not been introduced to them, but I caught myself in an audible
+chuckle over this fine blend of patriotic and filial sentiment. Then I
+pulled myself but not in time; I had been detected.
+
+If you wish to know what it is to be stared at, you should interrupt, as
+I had, a conversation between two young men of about this age in Fulham
+or elsewhere. They stared in unison and in silence until the tension
+became unbearable, and one of them, the elder, whose name was Bill,
+relieved it with the above quest on, "Kin yer write a letter?"
+
+Perhaps my answer was a little modest. He regarded me doubtfully, then
+asked--
+
+"'Ow soon kin yer write a letter?"
+
+"You mean, how long does it take me to write a letter?"
+
+He nodded his head vehemently.
+
+"Well," I began, "it rather depends, you know, on what there is to say."
+I saw dissatisfaction cloud his face, and hastened to add, "Oh, well,
+about ten minutes."
+
+At that his expression cleared to astonishment. Passing that emotion, it
+went to incredulity. It was a beautifully legible face, though
+everything but clean. He made up his mind.
+
+"Will yer come," he asked, "and write a letter for my granmother?"
+
+We were on the heels of adventure now; no one could say what new country
+this might lead to.
+
+"Where does she live?" I asked.
+
+"Just round the corner, two doors from my Great-aunt Maria's," he said,
+astonished that I should not know,
+
+"Lead on," I said, concealing my ignorance of the residence of
+great-aunt Maria.
+
+He took me by the hand, which I could not in courtesy decline, and led
+me down Paradise Rents.
+
+As a rule, in Paradise Rents, front doors stand open to the street, but
+the door of Number 5, the abode of Bill's grandmother, was shut. On
+tip-toe and with a strenuous effort Bill reached the latch. The door
+opened and Bill shouted through it, by way of introduction:--
+
+"She says she kin write a letter in ten minutes."
+
+The person addressed, whom I understood to be the grandmother, was
+engaged in scrubbing with a duster a deal table already clean enough to
+make Bill's face much ashamed of itself. She was a large heavy old
+woman, with a round colourless visage that suggested the full moon by
+daylight, and wispy grey locks like a nimbus about it.
+
+"Lor bless the child, Mum!" she exclaimed. "Bill, whatever d'yer mean by
+it?"
+
+"Says she kin write a letter in ten minutes," Bill repeated, with the
+emphasis of grave doubt on the "says."
+
+"Bless the child, Mum! I don't know whatever 'e's been saying. It's
+truth as I did say as I wished I 'ad someone as could write a letter for
+me to my son Frank, it being 'is birthday Tuesday and 'im out at the
+Front. But there, it's not to say, as I can't write a letter myself if
+I'm so minded, but I'm no great scholard and it do take me a long time
+to finish--each day a word or two. About a week it take me to write a
+letter, such a letter as I'd wish to write to Frank out at the Front,
+for 'is birthday, to cheer 'im up."
+
+"Frank's Bill's father, I suppose?" I said, by way of filling an
+asthmatic pause.
+
+"Lor bless yer, no, Mum. Bill's father wouldn't never go into no more
+danger than what 'e'd find at the Red Lion. Married my pore daughter 'e
+did, as died--a mercy for 'er, pore thing! That's 'ow it is Bill's
+living along o' me."
+
+"I see," I said. "Well, now--about the letter?"
+
+A space more liberal than the operation strictly needed was cleared for
+me on the polished deal table; a penny ink-bottle and a pen with a rusty
+but still useful nib set upon it, and from a special drawer, with a
+solemnity that of the character of sacred ritual, Mrs. Watt, as Bill's
+grandmother informed me she was called, drew forth a single sheet of
+notepaper. Its dimensions had been heavily curtailed by the deepest
+border of mourning black that I ever had seen on English writing-paper.
+Other nations surpass us in this evidence of respect, but Mrs. Watt's
+paper was calculated to raise the national standard.
+
+"Isn't this," I said, "rather--I mean is it quite suited for a birthday
+letter, to cheer up Frank in the trenches?"
+
+Mrs. Watt took the suggestion in quite good part, but gave it a decided
+negative.
+
+"'E would wish respect showed to 'is Aunt Maria, as died Wednesday was a
+fortnight. You might tell 'im that, if you please, Mum."
+
+I started off, as bidden, with this mournful communication, under the
+eye, at first severely critical, then frankly admiring, of Bill's
+grandmother.
+
+"Lor," she exclaimed, "you be one to write the words quick!"
+
+"What shall we say now?" I asked brightly.
+
+"Wednesday was a fortnight as she died, sister Maria did, that's Frank's
+aunt, and was buried a Saturday--what's too soon, as you'd say, but no
+disrespect meant, the undertaker arranging first for the Monday--only
+'aving a bigger job, with 'orses and plumes, give'im for the Monday, and
+so putting my pore sister forward to the Saturday. 'Ave you got that
+down, Mum?"
+
+"Oh," I said, scribbling briskly, "am I to write all that?" It occupied,
+even with much compression, space far into the second side of the
+restricted paper.
+
+"An' my only relative surviving," she resumed, "being brother George, as
+is eighty-two, and crotchety at that, lives out 'Oxton way, so I wrote
+to him about the funeral for a Monday, and when the undertaker puts it
+forward to the Saturday I didn't have no one to send all that way, so
+brother George--'e's eighty-two, and crotchety at that--'e didn't get no
+notice for the funeral on Saturday at all, so o' course 'e didn't come.
+You'll make all that clear to Frank, won't you, Mum?"
+
+I scribbled hard again, and said I was doing my best.
+
+"So brother George being crotchety, as I said, Mum, 'e sent me word as
+'e wouldn't never speak to me again in this world, and 'e didn't know as
+ever 'e would in the world to come--I'd like you to put that all in,
+please, Mum, so's to let Frank know 'ow it all is. Now, do you suppose,
+Mum, if I was to die, as brother George'd come to my funeral?"
+
+I hardly knew what answer to make after the "cut everlasting" with which
+George had threatened his sister, but I had an idea that I was beginning
+to understand Mrs. Watt's tastes. "Well," I said weakly, "I don't
+know--funerals are very pleasant things."
+
+It was the right note and Mrs. Watt took it up keenly. "That's what I
+always says, Mum," she said eagerly. "I'd sooner go to a good funeral
+than I would a wedding any day of the week. You've got that down about
+brother George? Yes, and please say as it was beautiful polished wood,
+the coffin--and real brass 'andles."
+
+"But, Mrs. Watt," I said despairingly, "that'll bring us quite to the
+end of the paper, and we've never even wished him many happy returns
+yet. Have you another sheet?"
+
+"I haven't got no more than the one sheet, but I dessay as there's room
+to say as I'm his loving mother, and 'ope it finds 'im well, as it
+leaves me."
+
+I managed to pinch in the traditional salutation; the sheet was enclosed
+in an envelope as sepulchral of aspect as itself, and with much
+misgiving I put Frank's birthday letter into the first pillar-box that I
+found.
+
+Just a week later I had occasion to go down Paradise Rents again. I had
+no intention of calling on Mrs. Watt, being more than a little afraid of
+the reception that her son Frank might have accorded to the letter that
+was to bring bright cheer to his birthday. But she ran from her door as
+I passed to meet and greet me. "Do step in, Mum," she entreated. "I must
+'ave you see a letter as come this morning from my son Frank, as is at
+the Front. Read that, if you please, Mum."
+
+"She must be a real lady that wot comes visiting you," it said. "That
+was a letter as she wrote. I don't know as ever I read such a beautiful
+letter. All the trench 'as read it, and they says so too."
+
+I sighed heavily with relief. Mrs. Watt was a judge of her son's
+literary taste.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
+
+[Illustration: _Tommies (singing)._ "Keep the home fires burning".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor (at private hospital)._ "Can I see Lieutenant
+Barker, please?"
+
+_Matron._ "We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're a
+relative?"
+
+_Visitor (boldly)._ "Oh, yes! I'm his sister."
+
+_Matron._ "Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. _I'm his mother._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Stand and Deliver."
+
+The Merry Monarch's world is too much with us. I can't imagine what it
+is in that period that our actor-managers find so peculiarly appropriate
+to present conditions, when we need all the inspiration we can get out
+of our country's annals. It seems only the other day that in the same
+theatre, His Majesty's--the play was _Mavourneen_--I was assisting at a
+rout (is that the word?) of Restoration society. And here we have it all
+over again with the same scheme of a pretty _débutante_ near to being
+compromised by the Royal favour; with the old galaxy of Court ladies
+inexplicably gay; the same old Duke of BUCKINGHAM; the old dull sport of
+improvisations; the old pathetic lack of wit; a _réchauffé_ only
+tempered by slight variations, such as the substitution of LELY for
+PEPYS, and the failure of the Monarch himself to put in an appearance.
+
+For the rest, a generous allowance of swashbuckling, of kidnapping, of
+standing and delivering, of interludes for dancing and gallantry--in a
+word all the approved features of the High Toby. Nothing, you will
+guess, that threatened to overstrain our intelligence, but enough for
+the moderate excitation of those sympathies which we always concede to
+heroic villainy.
+
+The _clou_ of the evening was the scene of the waylaying of his lover's
+coach by _Claude Duval_ on the Newmarket road. Animals on the stage (as
+distinct from the circus-ring) always make me nervous. Mr. BOURCHIER
+seemed to have anticipated my apprehension. On the approach of the
+travellers, having hitherto, with his horse's consent, sat motionless at
+the cross-roads, he retired with it into the wings and there dismounted
+and continued the scene on foot. But the memory of those few moments of
+superb equitation remained with the audience, and when, at the fall of
+the curtain, he led his steed forward by the bridle (a just tribute to
+its connivance) the pair of them brought down the house--and not the
+scenery, as I had feared.
+
+I am no pedant that I should cavil at Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY MCCARTHY'S
+re-adjustment of history. It was all for our delight that _Claude
+Duval_, instead of perishing on the scaffold, should escape from prison,
+have his freedom confirmed by the KING'S pardon, confound everybody
+else's knavish tricks and marry the lady of his heart. Nor do I complain
+that the historic highwayman (as I am credibly informed--for I got the
+facts from another critic) was only twenty-nine when they hanged him,
+and that Mr. BOURCHIER is--well, let me say, past the military age, or
+he wouldn't have been there at all. At the same time he will not mind my
+saying that, though he brought a very gallant spirit to his work, he
+lacked something of that resilience which is so desirable a quality in a
+Chevalier of the Road. Perhaps I liked best in him the quiet restraint
+with which he met the assaults of _Orange Moll_ upon his loyalty to his
+lady. He was not given very many good things to say, but he made up for
+this defect by dropping his aspirates and talking in what I took to be a
+Serbian accent.
+
+[Illustration: RIVER SCENE NEAR WESTMINSTER.
+
+_Claude Duval_ (Mr. Bourchier) disposes of his rival, _de Pontac_ (Mr.
+Murray Carrington) in a riparian duel.]
+
+Not much subtlety was asked of Miss KYRLE BELLEW as _Duval's_ lover,
+_Berinthia_; but she seemed to have learned a little more sincerity and
+to depend less upon the prettiness of her face and her frocks. Of Miss
+MIRIAM LEWES as _Orange Moll_ something more was demanded, and I should
+have enjoyed without reservation her very picturesque performance but
+for a certain stage-quality in her voice which was out of all consonance
+with the part she had to play. Mr. JERROLD ROBERTSHAW as _Justice
+Hogben_ was a most attractive old reprobate; Mr. CHARLES ROCK as a
+strolling mummer played like the sound actor he is; and indeed the whole
+cast--and not least in the smallest parts, such as Mr. HARTFORD'S
+drunken _Gaoler_ and Mr. PEASE'S _Dognose_, with his delightfully
+unemotional "Ay! ay!"--did very well indeed.
+
+If the play opens rather deliberately there is no lack of action when
+once it gets moving; but it was an exercise of bodies rather than of
+minds. Swords flashed; barkers were flourished (though they never went
+off); feet twinkled in the dance, and Mr. MURRAY CARRINGTON took several
+astounding falls; but wits remained stationary. I do not wish to appear
+exigent, but as one who likes to be amused as well as entertained I
+could easily have done with a little more scintillation.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INJER."
+
+(To the Author of "The Grand Tour," "Punch," January 26th, 1916.)
+
+  I read your lines the other day;
+    You got it down in black an' white;
+  You seen them places wot you say;
+    Well, I seen Injer--and you're right.
+
+  You never know. I took the bob
+    The days o' Mons an' Charley Roy;
+  Flanders, I thought, 'ud do my job,
+    An' me no better than a boy.
+
+  But some'ow Flanders got a miss,
+    An' I came East, the same as you,
+  Right East, an' finished up wi' this;
+    _I_ seen them towns and islands too.
+
+  But Injer! Lor, it's like a book
+    Or like a bloomin' fancy ball;
+  There's somethin' every way you look,
+    An' me--young me--I seen it all.
+
+  I know about them "dark bazaars"--
+    An' dark they is--I know them skies,
+  An' suns an' moons an' silver stars
+    An' 'ummin'-birds an' fiery-flies.
+
+  I seen the palms an' parrokeets,
+    I've 'eard the jackals in the night,
+  I've ate them beas'ly Injian sweets
+    An' smelt the Injian fires alight.
+
+  But I'm with you, old P. an' O.;
+    The goin' 'ome'll be the best;
+  An' not the 'ome we useter know,
+    But better, 'cos we've known the rest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TUBANTIA CRIME.
+
+    "Sworn Evidence of Torpedo."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+We hope it confessed its crime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The village is in utter darkness these nights, and many of the
+    lamp-posts are getting severe knocks, not speaking of the foot
+    pedestrians."--_Ardrossan Herald._
+
+Some of the foot pedestrians are said to have been less reticent about
+the lamp-posts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Would patriotic owner LEND INCUBATOR or Foster increase British
+    production, or buy cheap? Every care; experienced; eggs waiting;
+    ineligible; clergy ref."--_The Times._
+
+It is a little cryptic; but we gather that, at any rate, the partial
+soundness of these eggs will be guaranteed by the curate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sentry (at Remount Camp)._ "Halt! Who goes there?"
+
+_Weary Voice._ "One friend and two mules."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIVINS'S NEW BOOKS.
+
+Mr. Mivins begs to present
+
+FOUR WONDERFUL WORKS
+
+BY
+
+Four astounding Authors.
+
+       ***
+
+PRINCE CHARMING.
+
+By Egbert Gunn
+
+(_Third large edition already exhausted_).
+
+    "An incomparable achievement. The uniquest thing yet done by Mr.
+    GUNN. He has eclipsed Balzac, wiped the floor with George Sand,
+    while panting Tolstoi 'toils after him in vain.'"--_Daily
+    Exhaust._
+
+       ***
+
+POTLAND FOR EVER!
+
+By Roland Sennett.
+
+    "The greatest literary portent of all time. Here the Black
+    Country is painted in all its inspissated gloom by a
+    master-hand--sardonic, salubrious, superb.... We approach this
+    work on all-fours. Any other attitude on the part of a reviewer
+    would be sheer blasphemy."
+
+    _The Monthly Margarine._
+
+       ***
+
+THE UNPLUMBED ABYSS.
+
+By Drax Homer.
+
+    _First great Notice_: "By the side of Mr. Drax Homer, Edgar
+    Allan Poe is a fumbler, and Gaboriau the veriest tiro. In these
+    supremely arresting pages Mr. Drax Homer voices the cosmic
+    mystery with unerring skill, and ranges over the whole gamut of
+    the gruesome. He is the Napoleon of sensation, the Julius Cæsar
+    of melodrama."--_Daily Idolater._
+
+       ***
+
+_The Book of the Day._
+
+BRANDENBURG BABIES
+
+By Guinevere Jaggers.
+
+    "Of all the hundreds of English governesses privileged to enter
+    the _penetralia_ of Potsdam, Miss Jaggers had the longest
+    innings and writes with most authority. Her record teems with
+    astounding happenings, appalling revelations and grotesque
+    episodes.... There is nothing to touch it in the annals of
+    candour. Pepys is not in the same street and Benvenuto Cellini
+    not in the same parish. We recommend it to the perusal of the
+    Premier--if he has the courage to tackle it."
+
+    _The Oil and Vinegar Witness._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Before the Hyde Election--
+
+    "Mr. Davies maintains his optimism. He has reprinted one of his
+    cartoons showing him chattering the party walls of 'Jacobson's
+    Jellicoe,' with the big gun of efficiency."
+
+    _Manchester Evening Chronicle._
+
+But this attempt to drag the Navy into politics met with deserved
+failure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dwellers in the trenches are not the only fighters who know
+    what it is to be up to the knees in seven feet of water."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+We believe the Anakim were greatly troubled in this way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATLOCK'S VETERAN SOLDIER HONOURED.
+
+    154 Years in the Army."
+
+    _High Peak News._
+
+A veteran indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN
+
+IV.--Petticoat Lane.
+
+  Up the Lane and down the Lane and all round about
+  The Petticoats on washing-day are all hanging out;
+  Some are made of linsey-woolsey, some are made of silk,
+  Some of them are green as grass and some are white as milk;
+  Frilled and flounced and quilted ones in Petticoat Lane,
+  Some are worked in coloured nosegays, some of them are plain,
+  Some are striped with red and blue as gaudy as can be,
+  And one is sprigged with lavender, and that's the one for me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir A. MOND said that the married men's grievance was that they
+    might be called up before the tooth-combing process of which the
+    right hon. gentleman had spoken had been carried out."--_The
+    Times._
+
+It sounds painful. Personally we intend to stick to the old-fashioned
+brush.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Lloyd George, replying to Mr. Cowan, said the total salary
+    received by Lloyd Kitchener was £6,250."
+
+    _Portsmouth Evening News._
+
+This is the first we have heard of this highly-remunerated official. We
+hope it is not a case of nepotism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+A literature of _Antarcticana_ is gradually growing up, and the last
+volume, _With Scott: The Silver Lining_ (SMITH, ELDER), is a notable
+addition to it. Let me say at once that I opened Mr. GRIFFITH TAYLOR'S
+book with some trembling because I saw the difficulties in the way of
+its success. In the first place I recalled the simple dignity with which
+SCOTT wrote of his exploits, and I felt that to fall away from this high
+standard would be to fail; secondly, anyone writing now of this
+expedition must to a certain extent travel over ground already covered.
+These are the main difficulties which Mr. TAYLOR had to fight against,
+and he has overcome them. To a writer of his fluency and particular vein
+of humour it could not have been an easy task to put a right restraint
+upon his pen. The only criticism I have to pass on his style is that it
+could quite comfortably have done without the cloud of notes of
+exclamation in which it is enveloped. Apart from its great scientific
+value the main interest of the book is found in the light that it casts
+upon the characters of the author's companions. His observation is
+always shrewd and always kindly; you are left to guess his dislikes from
+his omissions. Mr. TAYLOR was himself in command, during SCOTT'S last
+expedition, of two parties, and of the work done on these journeys he
+writes with the modesty characteristic of men who speak of dangers and
+adventures in which they have personally taken part. One opinion of his
+I cannot refrain from quoting; it is that the tragedy of SCOTT'S
+expedition was caused by Seaman EVANS'S illness. "I believe that, short
+of abandonment, the party had no hope with a sick man on their hands."
+No tale of heroism that the War has given us can obscure the noble
+loyalty of this sacrifice. And to-day, when some of us have neither the
+time nor the taste for lighter things, there should be a grateful
+welcome for a book that deals with men whose courage and endurance
+remain the imperishable possession of our race.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Somewhere towards the end of _The Tragedy of an Indiscretion_ (LANE), we
+arrive at the Court of Criminal Appeal, where, in the course of
+unravelling the plot, one of the judges is moved to exclaim, "This is
+the most hopelessly complicated story I ever had the pain of listening
+to!" His lordship certainly has my sympathy. Personally speaking, the
+first twenty pages of it nearly gave me a nervous breakdown, so wild and
+whirling were the events into which it plunged. Let me start the thing
+for you. _Ronald Warrington_, who was heir to the aged _Duke of
+Glenstaffen_, eloped with _Mrs. Greville_, assuming for no very
+understandable reason the name of his friend and secretary, _Essendine_.
+So, the pair being established at an hotel, the supposed _Mr. E._ goes
+to a station to buy an evening paper, is fallen upon by the real one,
+and thrust into a train to attend the deathbed of his ducal relative.
+_Essendine_ himself, entering the hotel to explain matters to the lady,
+finds (1) that she is the wife who divorced him before marrying
+_Greville_; (2) that she has just died of heart disease. Next, being of
+a placidity almost inhuman, he decides to bury the corpse as that of his
+wife, and not worry anyone with explanations. What he didn't know then,
+or I either, was that another lady was at the moment gadding about
+London in one of _Mrs. Greville's_ cast-off frocks, and pretending to be
+that much-married female. And when in due course she is murdered, and
+the strangely apathetic widower, _Mr. Greville_, who never set eyes upon
+her, is arrested for the crime--well, you may begin to think that the
+judge's remark was an understatement. What I should like to ask Mr. J.
+W. BRODIE-INNES is, if this is his notion of an "indiscretion," what
+would he have to say of a real social error?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE MUSEUM.
+
+[Illustration: _Soldier (on leave from the trenches visiting the sights
+of London--before enlarged model of common flea)._ "Yes, that's it,
+father! That's the kind I was tellin' you about. But it ain't much of a
+specimen."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The name of the author of _Youth Unconquerable_ (HEINEMANN) is given on
+the title-page as _Percy Ross_. But I would willingly take a small wager
+on the probability that this name conceals a feminine identity. For one
+thing, no mere man surely would attempt the task of depicting the sweet
+girl graduate in her native lair, often as the converse has been done.
+Certainly it is improbable that he would manage to convey such an
+impression of actuality. For I am sure the life of an Oxford ladies'
+college must be, for many, very much what it was for _Cherry Hawthorn_.
+But I am afraid this is about all that I can honestly say in praise of
+the story. _Cherry_ was a young woman with red hair (it is bright
+vermilion in the ugly picture of her on the cover) and no fortune. Her
+late father had made her the joint ward of two young men, one an Italian
+prince, and one a semi-insane Welshman. _Cherry_ accepted this provision
+with a promising placidity. She, and I, anticipated marriage with one or
+other of the guardians. But that was before we had seen them. The
+Italian turned out to be silly, while the Welshman recalled the gloomier
+imaginings of the BRONTËS, and in the event came by an appropriately
+violent end. However there was a third suitor, a Scotch Duke, so all was
+well. Perhaps the tale may have more success with others than with me.
+But I am bound to warn you that the style of it is a wild and wonderful
+thing. One is, for example, unprepared to find a gentleman's hat and
+stick referred to as "his extra-mural accoutrements." And this is no
+rare example. The whole thing, in fact, seems more suitable to a very
+popular magazine than to the dignity of that exclusive little windmill
+that forms the HEINEMANN hall-mark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Precisionists.
+
+    "TRICYCLE for Sale cheap, 3 wheels."--_Suburban Paper._
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, April 5, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22873-8.txt or 22873-8.zip *****
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