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diff --git a/22872.txt b/22872.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..28126c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/22872.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5240 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Susan Clegg and a Man in the House + +Author: Anne Warner + +Illustrator: Alice Barber Stephens + +Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22872] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE *** + + + + +Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +[Illustration: "'He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.'" FRONTISPIECE(_See +page 21._)] + + + + + Susan Clegg + And a Man in the House + + + BY + ANNE WARNER + + + Author of "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop," + "A Woman's Will," "The Rejuvenation of + Aunt Mary," "Seeing France + with Uncle John," etc. + + + _Illustrated from Drawings by_ + ALICE BARBER STEPHENS + + + Boston + Little, Brown, and Company + 1907 + +_Copyright, 1906_, +By Katharine N. Birdsall + +_Copyright, 1907_, +By The Butterick Company, Ltd. + +_Copyright, 1907_, +By Little, Brown, and Company + +_All rights reserved_ + + +Published October, 1907 + +GRIFFITH-STILLINGS PRESS, BOSTON, MASS., U.S.A. + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER PAGE + +I. Man's Proposal 1 + +II. Elijah Doxey and His Locked Box 20 + +III. The First Issue of the Newspaper 32 + +IV. Settling down after the Honeymoon 43 + +V. Susan Clegg's Full Day 64 + +VI. The Editor's Advice Column 85 + +VII. Mrs. Macy and the Convention 98 + +VIII. The Biennial 113 + +IX. The Far Eastern Tropics 128 + +X. The Evils of Delayed Decease 142 + +XI. The Democratic Party 156 + +XII. The Trials of Mrs. Macy 168 + +XIII. Monotony of Ministerial Monologues 200 + +XIV. Advisability of Newspaper Exposures 212 + +XV. The Trial of a Sick Man in the +House 223 + +XVI. The Beginning of the End 235 + +XVII. An Old-fashioned Fourth 251 + +XVIII. Celebrating Independence Day 261 + +XIX. Exit the Man out of Susan Clegg's +House 273 + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + +"'He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.'" _Frontispiece_ + + PAGE + +"'A lady come up, looked at my flag, +an' asked me if I was a delegate +or an alternative'" 119 + +"'Mrs. Macy was just about plum +paralyzed at _that_'" 179 + +"'The bottom come out an' the duck +flew down the car'" 188 + + + + +Susan Clegg And a Man in the House + + + + +CHAPTER I + +MAN'S PROPOSAL + + +Susan Clegg had dwelt alone ever since her father's death. She had not +been unhappy in dwelling alone, although she had been a good daughter as +long as she had a parent to live with. When the parent departed, and +indeed some few days before his going, there had arisen a kind of a +question as to the possibility of a life-companion for the daughter who +must inevitably be left orphaned and lonely before long. The question +had arisen in a way highly characteristic of Miss Clegg and had been +disposed of in the same manner.[A] The fact is that Miss Clegg had +herself proposed to four men and been refused four times. Then her +father had died, and, upon the discovery that he was better endowed with +worldly wealth than folks had generally supposed, all four had hastened +to bring a return suit at once. But Miss Clegg had also had her mind +altered by the new discovery and refused them all. From that time to +this period of which I am about to write there had never been any +further question in her mind as to the non-advisability of having a man +in the house. + +[A] See "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop." + +"As far as I can see," she said confidentially to her friend, Mrs. +Lathrop, who lived next door, "men are not what they are cracked up to +be. There ain't but one woman as looks happy in this whole community and +that's Mrs. Sperrit, an' she looks so happy that at first glance she +looks full as much like a fool as anythin'. The minister's wife don't +look happy,--she looks a deal more like somethin' a cat finds an' lugs +home for you to brush up,--an' goodness knows Mrs. Fisher don't look +happy an' she ain't happy neither, for she told me herself yesterday as +since Mr. Fisher had got this new idea of developin' his chest with +Japanese Jimmy Jig-songs, an' takin' a cold plunge in the slop jar every +mornin', that life hadn't been worth livin' for the wall paper in her +room. She ain't got no sympathy with chest developin' an' Japanese +jiggin' an' she says only to think how proud she was to marry the prize +boy at school an' look at what's come of it. She asked me if I hear +about his goin' to town the other day an' buyin' a book on how to make +your hair grow by pullin' it out as fast as it comes in, an' then +gettin' on the train, an' gettin' to readin' on to how to make your +eyebrows grow by pullin' them out, too, an' not noticin' that they'd +unhooked his car an' left it behind, until it got too dark to read any +further--" + +"Why, what--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, who was the best of listeners, and +never interjectional except under the highest possible pressure of +curiosity. + +"There was n't nothin' for him to do except to put his thumb in at the +place where the eyebrows was, an' get down out of the car, an' then she +told me, would you believe that with her an' John Bunyan in their second +hour of chasin' around like a pair of crazy cockroaches because he was +n't on the city train when he said he'd come, he very calmly went up to +a hotel an' took a room for the night? An' she says that ain't the worst +of it whatever you may think, for he was so interested in the book that +he wanted to keep right on readin', an' as the light was too high an' he +had n't no way to lower it, he just highered himself by puttin' a +rockin'-chair (yes, Mrs. Lathrop, a rockin'-chair!) on the center table, +an' there he sit rockin' an' readin' until he felt to go to bed. She +says, would n't that drive a good wife right out beside her own mind? To +think of a man like Mr. Fisher rockin' away all night on top of a table +an' never even gettin' a scare. Why, she says you know an' I know that +if he'd been the husband of a poor widow or the only father of a +deserving family, of course he'd have rocked off an' goodness knows +what, but bein' as he was _her_ husband with a nice life insurance an' +John Bunyan wild to go to college, he needs must strike the one rocker +in the world as is hung true, an' land safe an' sound in her sorrowin' +arms the next mornin'! Oh my, but she says, the shock she got! They was +so sure that somethin' had happened to him that she an' John had planned +a little picnic trip to the city to leave word with the police first an' +visit the Zooelogical Gardens after. Well, she says, maybe you can judge +of their feelin's when they was waitin' all smiles an' sunshine for +their train, with a nice lunch done up under John's arm, an' he got down +from the other train without no preparation a _tall_. She said she done +all she could under the circumstances, for she burst out cryin' in spite +of herself, an' cryin' is somethin' as always fits in handy anywhere, +an' then she says they had nothin' in the wide world to do but to go +home an' explain away the hard-boiled eggs for dinner the best they +could. She says she hopes the Lord'll forgive her for He knows better +than she ever will what she ever done to have Mr. Fisher awarded to her +as her just and lawful punishment these last five and twenty years; an', +she says, will you only think how awful easy, as long as he got on the +table of his own free will an' without her even puttin' him up to it, it +would have been for him to of rocked off an' goodness knows what. She +says she is a Christian, an' she don't wish even her husband any ill +wind, but she did frighten me, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I wanted to speak out +frank an' open to you about it because a man in the house _is_ a man in +the house, an' I want to take men into very careful consideration before +I go a step further towards lettin one have the right to darken my doors +whenever he comes home to bed an' board--" + +Mrs. Lathrop quite jumped in her chair at this startling finale to her +neighbor's talk and her little black eyes gleamed brightly. + +"Bed and bo--" she cried. + +"He'll have father's room, if I take him, of course," said Susan, "but I +ain't sure yet that I'll take him. You know all I stood with father, +Mrs. Lathrop, an' I don't really know as I can stand any more sad +memories connected with that room. You know how it was with Jathrop +yourself, too, an' how happy and peaceful life has been since he lit +out, an' I ain't sure that--My heavens alive! I forgot to tell you that +Mr. Dill thought he saw Jathrop in the city when he was up there +yesterday!" + +"Saw Ja--" screamed Mrs. Lathrop. Jathrop was her son who had fled from +the town some years before, his departure being marked by peculiarly +harrowing circumstances, and of whom or from whom she had never heard +one word since. + +"Mr. Dill was n't sure," said Susan; "he said the more he thought about +it the more sure he was that he was n 't sure a _tall_. He saw the man +in a seed-office where he went to buy some seed, an' he said if it _was_ +Jathrop he's took another name because another name was on the office +door. He said what made him think as it was Jathrop was he jumped so +when he see Mr. Dill. Mr. Dill said he was helpin' himself out of a box +of cigars an' his own idea was as he jumped because they was n't his +cigars. Jathrop give Mr. Dill one cigar an' when he thanked him he said, +'Don't mention it,' an' to my order of thinkin' that proves as they was +n't his cigars, for if they was his cigars why under heaven should he +have minded Mr. Dill's mentionin' it? Mr. Dill said another reason as +made him think as it was Jathrop was as he never asked about you,--but +then if he was n't Jathrop he naturally would n't have asked about you +either. Mr. Dill said he was n't sure, Mr. Dill said he was n't a bit +sure, Mr. Dill said it was really all a mystery to him, but two things +he _could_ swear to, an' one of those was as this man is a full head +taller than Jathrop an' the other was as he's a Swede, so I guess it's +pretty safe not to be him." + +Mrs. Lathrop collapsed limply. Susan went on with her tale as calmly as +ever. + +"You see, Mrs. Lathrop, it's like this. I told Mr. Kimball I'd think it +over an' consult you before I give him any answer a _tall_. I could see +he did n't want to give me time to think it over or to consult you for +fear I'd change my mind, but when you ain't made up your mind, changin' +it is easy, an' I never was one to hurry myself an' I won't begin now. +Hurryin' leads to swallowin' fish-bones an' tearin' yourself on nails +an' a many other things as makes me mad, an' I won't hurry now an' I +won't hurry never. I shall take my own time, an' take my own time about +takin' it, too, an' Mr. Kimball nor no other man need n't think he can +ask me things as is more likely to change my whole life than not to +change it, an' suppose I'm goin' to answer him like it was n't no +greater matter than a sparrow hoppin' his tail around on a fence. I +ain't no sparrow nor no spring chicken neither an' I don't intend to +decide my affairs jumpin' about in a hurry, no, not even if you was +advisin' me the same as Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know how much +I think of your advice even if you have yet to give me the first piece +as I can see my way to usin', for I will say this for your advice, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' that is that advice as is easier left untook than yours is, +never yet was given." + +Mrs. Lathrop opened her mouth in a feeble attempt to rally her forces, +but long before they were rallied Susan was off again: + +"I don't know, I'm sure, whether what I said to Mr. Kimball in the end +was wise or not. I did n't say right out as I would, but I said I would +maybe for a little while. I thought a little while would give me the +inside track of what a long while would be pretty sure to mean. I don't +know as it was a good thing to do but it's done now, so help me Heaven; +an' if I can't stand him I always stand by my word, so he'll get three +months' board anyhow an' I'll learn a little of what it would mean to +have a man in the house." + +"A man in--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, recovering herself sufficiently to +illustrate her mental attitude by what in her case always answered the +purposes of a start. + +"That's what I said," said Susan, "an' havin' said it Mr. Kimball can +rely on Elijah Doxey's bein' sure to get it now." + +"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, again upheaved. + +"Elijah Doxey," repeated Susan. "That's his name. I ain't surprised over +your bein' surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, 'cause I was all dumb did up myself +at first. I never was more dumb or more did up since I was a baby, but +after the way as Mr. Kimball sprung shock after shock on me last night I +got so paralyzed in the end that his name cut very little figger beside +our havin' a newspaper of our own, right here in our midst, an' me +havin' the editor to board an' him bein' Mr. Kimball's nephew, an' Mr. +Kimball havin' a nephew as was a editor, an' Mr. Kimball's never havin' +seen fit to mention the fact to any of us in all these many years as +we've been friends on an' off an' us always buyin' from him whenever we +was n't more friends with Mr. Dill." + +"I nev--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, nor no one else ever heard of him neither. The first of it all was +when he came up last night to see would I board him, an' of course when +I understood as it was me as was goin' to have to take him in I never +rested till I knowed hide an' hair of who I was to take in down to the +last button on Job's coat." + +"And wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I'll tell you all I found out myself; an' I tell you I worked +hard findin' it out too, for Mr. Kimball is no windmill to pump when it +comes to where he gets relations from. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as he had a +sister though as married a Doxey an' that's the why of Elijah Doxey. +Seems Elijah is so smart that he'll be offered a place on one of the +biggest city papers in a little while, but in the mean time he's just +lost the place that he did have on one of the smallest ones an', as a +consequence, his mother thought he'd better spend this summer in the +country an' so sent him up to Mr. Kimball. Mr. Kimball said he really +did n't sense all it meant at first when Elijah arrived at noon +yesterday but he said he had n't talked with him long afore he see as +this was our big chance 'cause the paper as Elijah was on paid him off +with a old printin' press, an' Mr. Kimball says, if we back him up, we +can begin right now to have a paper of our own an' easy get to be what +they call a 'state issue.' It's easy seen as Mr. Kimball is all ready to +be a state issue; he says the printin' press is a four horse-power an' +he's sure as he can arrange for Hiram Mullins to work the wringer the +day he goes to press. Mr. Kimball says he's positive that Hiram 'll +regard it as nothin' but child's play to wring off his grocery bill that +way. I don't know what Gran'ma Mullins will say to that--or Lucy either +for that matter--but Mr. Kimball's so sure that he knows best that I see +it was n't no time to pull Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy in by the ears. Mr. +Kimball says he's been turnin' it over in his mind's eye ever since +yesterday when he first see Elijah. He says Elijah is just mad with +ideas an' says he 's willin' to make us known far an' wide if we'll only +give him a chance. Mr. Kimball says we all ought to feel ready to admit +that it's time we was more than a quarter of a column a week in the +_Meadville Mixture_. He says the _Meadville Mixture_ ain't never been +fair to us an' Judge Fitch says it ain't got right views as to its +foreign policy. Mr. Kimball says that after Elijah went back to town +yesterday afternoon he went up to Judge Fitch's office an' Judge Fitch +said if we had a paper of our own he'd be more than willin' to write a +editorial occasionally himself, a editorial as would open the +president's eyes to the true hiddenness of things, an' set the German +emperor to thinkin', an' give the czar some insight into what America +knows about _him_. + +"Mr. Kimball says this is the day of consolidation an' if we had a paper +the Cherry Ponders an' all the Clightville people'd naturally join in +an' take it too. He says he's figured that if he can start out with a +hundred paid-up subscribers of a dollar each he can make a go of it. He +says Elijah says set him up the press an' _he_ don't ask no better fun +than to live on bread an' water while he jumps from peak to peak of +fame, but Mr. Kimball says Elijah's young an' limber an' he shall want +the paid-up subscriptions himself afore he begins to transport a +printin' press around the country. + +"I told him he could count on you an' me takin' one between us before I +knowed what was really the main object of his visit, an' then when he +come out with what _was_ the main object of his visit, an' when I sensed +what he was after I must say I considered as he should have made that +his first word an' give me my paper for nothin',--seein' as the whole of +the thing is got to rest right on me, for I don't know what _is_ the +bottom of a newspaper if it ain't the woman as boards the editor. Yes, +Mrs. Lathrop, that's my view in a nutshell, the more so as Mr. Kimball +openly says as Elijah Doxey says he's a genius an' can't live in any +house where there's other folks or any noise but his own. Mr. Kimball +said it seemed as if a good angel had made me for the town to turn to in +its bitter need an' that it was on me as the new newspaper would have to +build its reputation in its first sore strait; an' he said too as he +would in confidence remark as my influence on Elijah's ideas would be +what he should be really lookin' to to make the paper a success, for he +says as Elijah is very young an' will be wax in my hands an' I can mold +him an' public opinion right along together. He said he really did n't +look for him to be any great trouble to feed because he'd be out pickin' +up items most of the time, an' then too, he says he can always give him +a handful of his new brand of dried apples as is advertised to be most +puffin' an' fillin'; why, do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, he told me as he'd +developed the process now to where if you eat two small pieces you feel +like you never wanted another Thanksgivin' dinner as long as you live." + +"And so--" asked Mrs. Lathrop eagerly, Susan pausing an instant for +breath just here. + +"Well, in the end I said I would, for three months. I don't know as I +was wise, but I thought it was maybe my duty for three months. I'm tired +of seein' the Clightville folks called 'Glimpses' an' us called 'Dabs' +in that _Meadville Mixture_, an' last week you remember how they spelt +it wrong an' called us 'Dubs,' which is far from my idea of politeness. +It was being mad over that as much as anythin' that made me up an' tell +Mr. Kimball as I'd take Elijah an' take care of him an' look to do what +I could to make the paper a success for three months. I told him as it +was trustin' in the dark, for Elijah was a unknown quantity to me an' I +never did like the idea of a man around my nice, clean house, but I said +if he'd name the Meadville items the 'Mud Spatters' an' so get even for +our feelin's last week I'd do my part by feedin' him an' makin' up his +bed mornin's. Mr. Kimball said I showed as my heart an' my brains was +both in the right place, an' then he got up an' shook hands an' told me +as he would in confidence remark as he expected to make a very good +thing all round for he was gettin' the printin' press awful cheap and +Elijah likewise." + +"When--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Next Wednesday. Elijah's comin' up freight with the printin' press. +Mr. Kimball says he suggested that himself. He says it cuts two birds +with one knife for it makes it look as if the printin' press was extra +fine instead of second-hand, an' it gets Elijah here for nothin'." + +"Dear--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I would, too," said Miss Clegg, "only you see I have n't got time. I +ought not to be here now. I ought to be over gettin' his room ready an' +takin' out the little comforts. As far as my order of thinkin' goes, +little comforts is lost on men, Mrs. Lathrop, they always trip over them +an' smash them in the dark." + + + + +CHAPTER II + +ELIJAH DOXEY AND HIS LOCKED BOX + + +"Well," suggested Mrs. Lathrop one pleasant Saturday morning, a few days +later, when she and her friend met at the fence. Miss Clegg looked +slightly fretted and more than slightly warm, for she had been giving +her garden an uncommonly vigorous weeding on account of an uncommonly +vigorous shower which had fallen the afternoon before. The weeding had +been so strenuous that Miss Clegg was quite disposed to stop and rest, +and as she joined her neighbor and read the keen interest that never +failed to glow in the latter's eyes, her own expression softened +slightly and she took up her end of the conversation with her customary +capability at giving forth. + +"I don't know," she began, "an' Mr. Kimball don't know either. Elijah +was tellin' me all about it last night. He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop, +but I don't know but what it pays to have a man around when you can have +them to talk to like I have him. Of course a new broom sweeps clean an' +I've no intention of supposin' that Elijah will ever keep on coverin' +his soap an' scrapin' his feet long, but so far so good, an' last night +it was real pleasant to hear the rain an' him together tellin' how much +trouble they're havin', owin' to Hiram's bein' too energetic wringin' +the handle of the printin' press an' then to think as when he was all +done talkin' it would be him an' not me as in common decency would have +to go out in the wet to padlock the chickens. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as +they're really havin' no end o' trouble over the new paper an' Elijah's +real put out. He says Hiram had a idea as the more the speed the better +the paper an' was just wringin' for dear life, an' the first thing he +knew the first issue begin to slide a little cornerways an' slid off +into a crank as Elijah never knowed was there, an' him an' Mr. Kimball +spent the whole of yesterday runnin' around like mad an' no way to fix +it. As a consequence Elijah's very much afraid as there'll be no paper +this week an' it's too bad, for every one is in town spendin' the day +an' waitin' to take it home with them. Young Dr. Brown is goin' to feel +just awful 'cause he'd bought twenty-five papers to mail to all his +college class. There was goin' to be a item about him, an' Mrs. Brown +says it was goin' to be a good one for she fed Elijah mince pie while he +made his notes for it an' had Amelia play on her guitar, too." + +"What do you--?" began Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I can't say as I really know _what_ to think of him just yet. I +never see such a young man afore. He has some very curious ways, Mrs. +Lathrop, ways as make me feel that I can't tell you positively what I +do think. Now yesterday was the first day as I knowed he'd be gone for +long, so I took it to go through all his things, an' do you know, away +down at the bottom of one of his trunks I found a box as was locked an' +no key anywhere. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I hunted, an' I hunted, an' I +hunted, an' I couldn't find that key a _tall_. I never had any thin' of +that kind in my house afore an' of course I ain't goin' to give up +without a good deal more lookin', but if I can't find that key it'll +prove beyond a shadow of a doubt as Elijah Doxey ain't of a trustin' +nature an' if that's true I don't know how I ever _will_ be able to get +along with him. A trustin' nature is one thing to have around an' a +distrustin' nature is another thing, an' I can tell you that there's +somethin' about feelin' as you ain't trusted as makes me take my hands +right out of my bread dough an' go straight upstairs to begin lookin' +for that key again. The more I hunt the wilder I get, for it's a very +small box for a man to keep locked, an' it ain't his money or jewelry +for it don't rattle when you shake it. It's too bad for me to feel so +because in most other ways he's a very nice young man, although I will +say as sunset is midnight compared to his hair." + +"Do--" began Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Then too, he said yesterday," Miss Clegg continued, "as he wanted it +distinctly understood as his things was never to be touched by no one +an' I told him as he could freely an' frankly rely on me. Now that's +goin' to make it a great deal more work to hunt for that key from now +on. An' I don't like to have it made any harder work to find a thing, as +I have n't found yet a _tall_." + +"Wh--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Not me," said Miss Clegg; "I ain't got any give-up in me. I'll keep on +until I find it if I have to board Elijah Doxey till he dies or till I +drop dead in my huntin' tracks. But I can see that my feelin' towards +him is n't goin' to be what it might of been if he'd been frank an' +open with me as I am with him an' every one else. He seems so frank an' +open, too--in other ways than that box. He read his editorial aloud +night afore last an' I must say it showed a real good disposition for he +even wished the president well although he said as he knowed he was +sometimes goin' to be obliged to maybe be a little bit hard on him. He +said as plain speakin' an' to the purpose 'd be the very breath an' +blast of the _Megaphone_ an' he should found it on truth, honor an' the +great American people, an' carry Judge Fitch to congress on them lines. +I thought as Judge Fitch would object to goin' to congress on any lines +after all he's said about what he thought of congress in public, but +Elijah says a new paper must have a standard, an' he asked Judge Fitch +if he minded being nailed to ours, an' the judge said he did n't mind +nothin' these degenerate days, so Elijah just up with him." + +"Did you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"See Mrs. Macy?--yes, I see her in the square yesterday noon. She was +just back from Meadville. She says the editor of the _Meadville Mixture_ +is awful bitter over our havin' a paper of our own, an' says he'll cross +tinfoils with Elijah any day. I told Elijah what she said last night, +but Elijah did n't mind. I hoped tellin' him'd take his appetite away, +but he ate eleven biscuits just the same. That reminds me as he's comin' +home to dinner to-day, an' I ought to be goin' in." + +"Goo--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +--"But I'll come over after he goes an' tell you how the paper's comin' +out," Susan added, as she turned from the fence; and as she was always +true to her promises she did come over to Mrs. Lathrop's kitchen after +dinner, wearing a clean apron and a new expression--an expression of +mixed doubt and displeasure. + +Mrs. Lathrop hurried to give her a chair and make her welcome, and then +took a chair herself and sat at attention. + +Susan began at once. + +"Well," she said, "it's a good thing as the Fishers are thinkin' some of +sendin' John Bunyan to college, for he's surely a sight too smart for +this town." + +Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes in wide surprise, as it was certainly not +about John Bunyan that she had expected to hear tales. + +"Elijah says as John Bunyan made them all feel pretty cheap down at the +printin' press this mornin'," Miss Clegg went on: "seems the whole +community was squeezin' into the back of Mr. Kimball's store to see what +under the sun could be done to get the first paper out of the press, +when all of a sudden John Bunyan spoke up an' asked why they did n't +turn the handle backward an' empty the whole muss out that way. Well, +every one see the sense of what he said right off, an' so they began, +an' as soon as they began to turn the crank backward the paper began to +come out backward, tore, of course, but as nice as pie. + +"Well, Elijah says he most thought his uncle was goin' to take his job +as editor away and give it to John Bunyan right off, he was so pleased. +But Mr. Kimball ain't the sort of uncle as Elijah so far supposes +himself to of got, an' he only give John Bunyan fifty cents' worth of +soda water tickets, an' they're to work to-night (if Lucy'll let Hiram), +an' have the paper ready for church to-morrow. The Jilkins an' Sperrits +was a little disapp'inted 'cause they was n't comin' in to church, +countin' on stayin' home an' readin' the paper all day instead, but +Elijah's goin' to put in a late column of late news an' give 'em their +money's worth that way. Mr. Kimball had arranged to have one whole +column of Ks to draw attention to his dried apples, an' he's goin' to +give it up for the occasion an' let Elijah write a Extra about the cause +of the delay, for that's really all the late news there is. Then, too, +Elijah's goin' to have a joke about the paper's comin' in among us like +a man goes into politics, kind of slidin' an' turnin' this way an' +that, an' I must say I begin to find some of Elijah's ideas pretty +bright. But my mind's taken a new turn on his subjeck from what he said +at dinner, an' I will admit, Mrs. Lathrop, as I see now as I misjudged +him in one way, for he come an' asked me while I was washin' up if I +knowed any way to open a locked box without a key, for he could n't find +the key to his flute box nowhere, an' when he was a little nervous +nights he always wore it off practisin' on his flute. Well, Mrs. +Lathrop, you can maybe imagine as learnin' as there was a flute in that +box an' the key lost, an' him in the habit of playin' that flute nights, +altered my views more 'n a little, an' I can tell you that I had to +think pretty fast afore answerin' him. While I was thinkin' he said he +had n't played since he was here, an' he was gettin' so wild to play he +thought the best way would be to maybe pry the lock open. I see then as +I'd got to come out firm an' I said I'd never consent to no young man +in my house, spoilin' a good box like that an' maybe a fine flute too, +just because he had n't got a little patience. He said I was right about +its being a fine flute, an' he was just achin' to hear it an' blow it. I +told him to let me hunt an' maybe I'd find the key, an' so he went off +some soothed, an' now the Lord have mercy on you an' me, for Elijah +Doxey never will from this day on. Will you only think of him bein' +nervous an' playin' nights! It'll be worse than a tree-toad an' you know +what a tree-toad is, Mrs. Lathrop,--I declare to goodness if Elijah acts +like a tree-toad he'll drive me stark, ravin' mad." + +"Ca--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I don't see how I can," said Miss Clegg, dubiously. "I shall do my +best, but, oh my, a young man as is a editor an' has red hair an' a +flute is awful uncertain to count on. I almost wish I had n't took him." + +"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I can't now," said Miss Clegg, "the arrangements of this world is +dreadful hard on women. It's very easy to take a man into your house but +once a woman has done it an' the man's settled, nobody but a undertaker +can get him out in any way as is respectable accordin' to my order of +thinkin'." + +"But you--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop, comfortingly. + +"I know, but even three months is a long time," said Miss Clegg, "an' +he's begun to leave his soap uncovered already, an' oh my heavens alive, +how am I ever goin' to stand that flute!" + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE NEWSPAPER + + +"I'll tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg the next Monday +afternoon, "I ain't goin' to stay here so late but what I go home in +time to make Elijah something hot an' comfortin' for supper to-night. I +ain't any one to take sides, but I will say that my heart has gone out +to that poor young man ever since I was down in the square this mornin'. +I felt to be real glad as he'd took to-day to go up to the city, for I +must say I'd of felt more'n a little sorry for him if he'd heard folks +expressin' their opinion about his first paper." + +"Did he--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, he went to-day," said Miss Clegg. "He went on the early train an' +one of the joys of havin' a man in the house was as I had to be up +bright an' early to get him his breakfast. I must say I never thought +about his wantin' early breakfast when I agreed to take him, but I'm not +one to refuse to feed even a editor, so I cooked him cakes just the same +as I would any one else." + +"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I guess maybe he heard things yesterday as made him feel as it'd +be just as well to let folks have time to sizzle down some afore they +looked on his bright an' shinin' face again. I tell you what, Mrs. +Lathrop, I can see as runnin' a newspaper ain't an easy thing an' the +town is really so up in arms to-day, that I really would of made waffles +for Elijah to eat instead of just plain cakes, if I'd knowed when he got +up how mad every one was at him. I can see since I've been down town +to-day as the square was n't likely to have been no bed of roses for him +yesterday. The whole community is mad as hornets over the paper. Why, I +never see folks so mad over nothin' before. Nobody likes his puttin' his +own name right under the paper's, an' Dr. Brown says the editor belongs +on the inside, anyhow. Dr. Brown's most _awful_ mad 'cause Elijah's put +his item right in with the advertisement of Lydia Finkham, an' he says +he ain't nothin' as pretends to cure anythin' or everybody. He says he's +a regular doctor as you have to take regular chances with an' he feels +like suin' Elijah for slander. Gran'ma Mullins is mad, too, 'cause she +was put in the personals an' Elijah went an' called her the 'Nestor of +the crick,' without never so much as askin' by her leave. She says she +ain't never done nothin' with the crick, an' if she ever nested anywhere +it was in her own owned an' mortgaged house. Hiram says he'll punch +Elijah if he ever refers to his mother's nestin' again, an' I guess +Hiram feels kind of sore over Elijah's talkin' of his mother's nestin' +when all the town knows how much he wishes as Lucy'd settle down and +nest awhile instead of keepin' 'em all so everlastin'ly churned up. Mrs. +Macy told me this mornin' as Lucy's whitewashin' the garret this week; +she see the brush goin' 'round an' 'round the window on her side--she +says it makes her bones ache just to live next door to Lucy's ways. She +says they're so different from Gran'ma Mullins' ways. Gran'ma Mullins +had n't had no whitewashin' done in twenty years--not since she rented +the cottage of father. That's true an' I know it's true too because +she's been askin' an' askin' me to have it done an' I said not by no +means--so she's left off." + +"Did--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"The Jilkinses is real mad over the paper, too," Susan continued. "Seems +as Elijah went an' called 'em the 'Chirpy Cherry Ponders,' an' Mrs. +Jilkins says where he got the idea as either of 'em ever chirped in +their lives she cannot conceive, for Mr. Jilkins ain't so much as peeped +a good part of the time since they were married an' she says as for +being chirpy, _she_ looks upon the word as city slang. But Judge Fitch +is about the maddest of all! I did n't read what Elijah said about him +but every one else did, an' he says he was willin' to run for congress +for the good of his country, but to put him up in a editorial as says +he'll be proud to come back from Washington as poor as he goes there, is +a very poor way to put heart into any man's contest. He says if he's got +to come back from Washington as poor as he goes he can't see no good an' +sufficient reason for goin' a _tall_, for he won't gain nothin' an' will +be out his car fare there an' back. He says he never heard of no one +comin' back from Washington as poor as they went before, an' it was a +thing as he supposed could n't be done till he found Elijah had booked +him to do it. He says if that's what he's to up an' teach his country, +he don't thank Elijah for advertisin' him as any such novelty an' he +says he won't go to congress on any such terms--not while he knows +himself. Mr. Kimball told me as he spoke to Elijah about it yesterday, +an' Elijah said to him as it would be a strong plank for Judge Fitch to +stand on in the middle of his platform, but Judge Fitch told Mr. Kimball +as he could just tell his nephew frank an' open as that one plank in his +platform had better be weak an' he'd take care to remember to step over +it every time. He said he was just waitin' for a good chance to tell +Elijah his opinion of him right to his face, an' he said as he should +give him to understand as after this he must submit all other planks to +_him_ afore he printed 'em. Mr. Kimball says that Judge Fitch said good +gracious him, there would n't be no knowin' what he'd have to live up to +next, if Elijah was n't reined in tighter. Judge Fitch says the old way +is good enough for him when he goes to Washington. + +"But that ain't all the trouble there is. Mr. Fisher feels very much +hurt at Elijah's writin' any editorial without consultin' him first. He +says he told him as he could have give him a motto out of Shakespeare +about layin' on an' dammin' as would have put life in the campaign right +off at the beginnin'; an' then there's Mrs. Macy as thinks he was awful +mean to call her one as carries weight anywhere; I'm sure I wish Elijah +had let Mrs. Macy alone for she's worse than hornets over that remark of +his. She says maybe Elijah'll go over two hundred an' fifty hisself some +day, an' if he does he'll know as it's no joke. She bu'st her rocker +last night when she read what he said about her, an' she says bu'stin' a +rocker ought to show better than any words how mad it made her. My, she +says, but she was mad! I told Elijah when he was gettin' up the paper as +he'd better never say nothin' about nobody in it, but Elijah can't help +being a man an' very like all men in consequence, an' he said as a paper +was n't nothin' without personal items, an' he thought folks would +enjoy being dished up tart an' spicy. I told him my views was altogether +different. 'Elijah Doxey,' I says, 'you dish Meadville up tart an' spicy +an' we'll all feel to enjoy, but you leave folks here alone.' But he +didn't mind me an' now he's got a lesson as will maybe teach him to +leave the armchairs of folks as is payin' for his paper unbu'sted +henceforth." + +"Now--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, we get along pretty well," said Susan; "a man's a man, an' of +course any house always is pleasanter without one in it, but I guess if +you have to have one around Elijah's about as little bother as you could +ask. I'm teachin' him to be real orderly in a hurry just by puttin' his +things where he couldn't possibly find 'em if he leaves 'em layin' +around. You always can manage pleasantly if you're smart, an' I'm smart. +If he don't empty his basin, I don't fill his pitcher; if he's late to +meals, I eat up all as is hot;--oh! there's lots of ways of gettin' +along, an' I try 'em all turn an' turn about. If one don't work another +is sure to, an' if he ever does have a wife it won't be my fault--I know +that. + +"Mr. Kimball asked me this mornin' what I thought of him anyhow. Mr. +Kimball says as Elijah says as he personally thinks this year is sent to +fit him for suthin' demandin' backbone, an' so he'd ought to be resigned +to anythin'. That didn't sound just polite to me to my order of thinkin' +an' Gran'ma Mullins come back just then an' broke in an' said if Elijah +was resigned she wasn't, an' she hoped he'd never come her way any more +when he was out pickin' up items." + +"Is any one--" began Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I don't know," said Miss Clegg, "I don't believe so. Even the minister +is mad; I met him comin' home an' I couldn't see what he had to complain +of, for I didn't remember there bein' a single word about him in the +whole paper. Come to find out he was all used up 'cause there _wasn't_ +nothin' about him in it. He told me in confidence as he never got such +a shock in all his life. He says he read the paper over nine times afore +he was able to sense it, an' he says his last sermon was on hidin' your +light under a bushel basket an' he had a copy all ready if Elijah had +only come for it. He says he shall preach next Sunday on cryin' out unto +you to get up, an' he shall take a copy to Elijah himself. I cheered him +up all I could. I told him as a sermon preached on Sunday was n't likely +to be no great novelty to no one on the Saturday after, but I'd see that +he got it back all safe if Elijah throwed it into his scrap-basket. That +seems to be the big part of bein' a editor--the throwin' things in his +scrap-basket. Elijah's scrap-basket is far from bein' the joy of my life +for he tears everythin' just the same way an' it makes it a long, hard +job to piece 'em together again. Some days I don't get time an' then I +_do_ get so aggravated." + +"Have you ever--" asked Mrs. Lathrop with real interest. + +"Not yet, but he ain't got really started yet. It's when the paper gets +to Meadville an' Meadville begins to write him back what they think +about what he thinks of them, that that scrap-basket will be +interestin'! I guess I'll go home now an' make biscuits for supper. He +was comin' back on the five-o'clock train. Poor Elijah, he'll have a +hard day to-morrow but it'll do him good. Men never have to clean house, +so the Lord has to discipline their souls any way he can, I suppose, an' +to my order o' thinkin' this runnin' a newspaper is goin' to send Elijah +a long ways upwards on his heavenly journey." + +"Does--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, rising heavily to bid her friend good-bye. + +"Most likely," said Susan; "at any rate if he does n't have any +appetite. I like 'em myself." + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +SETTLING DOWN AFTER THE HONEYMOON + + +Miss Clegg and Mrs. Lathrop were sitting on the latter's steps about +five o'clock one Sunday afternoon when Elijah Doxey came out of the +former's house and walked away down town. + +"I wond--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I don't believe it," said Miss Clegg; "I know the way you look at it, +Mrs. Lathrop, but _I_ don't believe it. All the girls is after him but +that ain't surprisin' for girls are made to be after somethin' at that +age an' there's almost nothin' for them to run down in this community. +We're very short of men to marry, Mrs. Lathrop, an' what men we have got +ain't tall enough yet to do it, but still, it ain't no reason why Elijah +should be in love just because 'Liza Em'ly and all the other girls is +in love with him. To my order o' thinkin' two sets of people have got to +love to make a marriage, an' 'Liza Em'ly ain't but one. An' I don't know +as I want Elijah to be in love, anyhow--not while he lives in my house. +It might lead to his eatin' less but it would surely lead to his playin' +the flute more, an' that flute is all I can stand now. He won't marry if +I can help it, I know _that_, an' I keep his eagerness down by talkin' +to him about Hiram Mullins all I can, an' surely Hiram is enough to keep +any man from soarin' into marriage if he can just manage to hop along +single an' in peace." + +"Have you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly. + +"Well, I should say I had--an' it's fresh on my mind, too. It was +yesterday an' I see 'em both. Lucy come in the mornin' an' Gran'ma +Mullins in the afternoon. I'd like to of had Hiram come in the evenin' +an' tell his end, but Hiram don't dare say a word to no man nowadays. +As far as my observation's extended a man as lives steady with two women +gets very meek as to even men. Hiram's learned as his long suit is to +keep still an' saw wood when he ain't choppin' it." + +"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, Lucy come up right after market an' she said the reason she come +was because she'd just got to talk or bu'st, an' she was n't anxious to +bu'st yet awhile." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, just the usual tale as any one could o' foreseen if they went an' +married Hiram Mullins. Any one might of easy knowed as Lucy Dill could +n't no more enjoy Hiram Mullins than a cat could enjoy swimmin' lessons, +but she _would_ have him, an' she _had_ to have him, an' now she's got +him--so help her eternity to come." + +"Did she--" questioned Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No," said Miss Clegg, "she ain't been married quite long enough for +that yet; she's only been married long enough to come out strong an' +bitter as to blamin' Gran'ma Mullins. I will say this for Lucy, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' that is that a fairer thing than blamin' Gran'ma Mullins +for Hiram could n't be expected of whoever married Hiram, for it stands +to reason as no one as had brains could marry Hiram an' not want to +begin blamin' his mother five minutes after. Gran'ma Mullins never did +seem able to look at Hiram with a impartial eye, an' Lucy says as it +beats all kind of eyes the way she looks at him since he's got married. +Why, Lucy says it's most made her lose faith in her Bible--the way she +feels about Gran'ma Mullins. She says she's got a feelin' towards +Gran'ma Mullins as she never knowed could be in a woman. She says she's +come to where she just cannot see what Ruth ever stuck to Naomi for when +the husband was dead an' Naomi disposed to leave, too. She says if +anythin' was to happen to Hiram she'd never be fool enough to hang onto +Gran'ma Mullins. She sat down an' told me all about their goin' to town +last week. She says she nigh to went mad. They started to go to the city +just for a day's shoppin' an' she says it was up by the alarm clock at +four an' breakfast at six for fear of missin' the nine-o'clock train an' +then if Gran'ma Mullins did n't lose her little black bead bag with her +weddin' ring an' the size of Hiram's foot an' eighty-five cents in it, +so they could n't get him no bargain socks after all! All they could do +was to buy the safety razor, an' when they got home with that there was +n't no blade in it, an' they had to go way back to town next day. Come +to find out the blade was in the box all the time, done up in the +directions, only Hiram never read the directions, 'cause he said as it's +a well-known fact as you can't cut yourself with a safety razor whatever +you do. + +"Well, Lucy says it's for that sort of doin's as she left her happy home +an' her razor-stroppin' father, an' she says the billin' an' cooin' of +Gran'ma Mullins over Hiram is enough to make a wedded wife sick. She +says she would n't say it to no one but me, an' I promised her never to +breathe it along any further, but she says she's beginnin' to question +as to how long she's goin' to be able to stand it all. She says will you +believe that nights Gran'ma Mullins is comin' in softly at all hours to +tuck up Hiram's feet, an' Lucy's forever thinkin' she's either a rat or +a robber or else hittin' at her for Hiram himself. She says as it's +Heaven's own truth as Gran'ma Mullins is warmin' his flannels every +Saturday to this day, an' that the tears stand in her very eyes when +Lucy won't help him off with his boots." + +"I never--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, nor no one else. It's all Gran'ma Mullins' foolishness. She begun +to be foolish when Hiram begun to know things. I can remember when he +used to run everywhere behind her with a little whip, 'cause he liked to +play horse, an' although she used to pretend that she let him 'cause it +kept the moths out of her clothes, still every one knowed as it was just +her spoilin' of him. Now he's growed up spoiled an' poor Lucy Dill's got +the consequences to suffer. + +"An' Lucy surely is sufferin'! She says she ain't exactly discouraged, +but it's swimmin' up Niagara Falls to try an' break either of 'em of +their bad habits. She says she has to look on at kisses until the very +thought of one makes her seasick, an' she says to see Gran'ma Mullins +listenin' to Hiram singin' is enough to make any one blush down to the +very ground. + +"I cheered her all I could. I told her as you can't make no sort of a +purse out of ears like Hiram's, an' that what can't be cured has always +got to be lived with unless you're a man. She cried some, poor thing, +an' said her mother always used to say as Hiram was cut out to make some +girl wish he was dead, but she said she always thought as her mother +was prejudiced. She said Hiram had a sort of way with him before he was +married as was so hopeful, an' he used to look at her an' sigh till it +just went all through her how happy they'd be if they could only be +together all they wanted to be together. Well, you c'n believe me or +not, just as you please, Mrs. Lathrop, but she says he ain't sighed +once--not once--since they was married, an' as for bein' +happy--well--she says she's about give up hope. She don't want folks to +know, 'cause she says she's got some pride, but she says there's no +tellin' how soon it'll run out if Gran'ma Mullins keeps on huggin' +Hiram, an' tellin' her how perfect he is over his own head." + +"I don't--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I should say not," said Susan; "but Hiram Mullins always was his +mother's white goose, an' the whole town is a witness. My idea if I was +Lucy would be to shut right down solid on the whole thing. I'd put a +bolt on my door an' keep Gran'ma Mullins an' her tuckin' tendencies on +the other side, an' if Hiram Mullins did n't come to time I'd bolt him +out, too, an' if he was n't nice about it I'd get out of the window an' +go home to my father. I guess Mr. Dill would be very glad to have Lucy +home again, for they say 'Liza Em'ly's no great success keepin' house +for him. Some one told me as Mr. Dill was in mortal fear as he was +practically feedin' the minister's whole family every time she went +home, an' that would be enough to make any man, as had only his own self +to feed, want his own daughter back, I should think. + +"There's Mrs. Macy as would be glad to keep house for him if he 'd marry +her first, of course, but to my order of thinkin' Mr. Dill don't want to +marry Mrs. Macy near as much as Mrs. Macy wants to marry Mr. Dill. Mrs. +Macy says he's pesterin' her to death, an' Mr. Dill says if it's +pesterin' to speak when you're spoken to, he must buy a new dictionary +an' learn the new meanin' of the words by heart. Between ourselves, I +guess Mr. Dill is learnin' the lesson of wedded bliss from lookin' at +Lucy an' rememberin' her mother. Lucy ain't very happy an' you know as +well as I do what Mrs. Dill was. Her husband won't marry again in a +hurry, an' he's smart if he don't, for if Lucy ain't home in less 'n a +year I'll make you a tea cake." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, you ain't Lucy Dill," said her friend. "If you was you'd be +different. Lucy says this being waked up by havin' a hot flatiron slid +in among your feet most any time for no better reason than 'cause his +mother thought she heard Hiram sneeze, is a game as can be played once +too often. I see her temper was on the rise so I struck in, an' give her +a little advice of my own, an' as a result she says she's goin' to take +a strong upper hand to 'em both an' there won't be no velvet glove on it +neither. She says she can see as it's do or die for her now, an' she +don't mean to be done nor to die neither. She drank some tea as I made +strong on purpose, an' shook her head hard an' went home, an' God help +Hiram if he hummed last night; an' as for Gran'ma Mullins, Lucy said if +she come stealin' in to feel if Hiram was breathin' reg'lar, she was +going to get slapped for a mosquito in a way as she'd long remember." + +"Dear me--" commented Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I did n't blame her," said Miss Clegg. "Of course I did n't know +as I was going to hear the other side afore night fell, but hearin' her +side stirred me up so that I give her my advice, an' my advice was to +put the bootjack under her pillow. There ain't no sense in women +sufferin' any more, to my idea of thinkin'. It's a good deal easier to +go to bed with a bootjack, an' I look to see Lucy really happy or Hiram +smashed flat soon in consequence." + +"But you--" said Mrs. Lathrop, wide-eyed. + +"I know, an' that did change my ideas. Of course when I was talkin' to +Lucy I was n't expectin' to see Gran'ma Mullins so soon, but I won't say +but what I was glad to see Gran'ma Mullins, too. It's a most curious +feelin', I d'n know as I ever feel a curiouser than to hear both sides +of anythin' from the both sides themselves right one after the other in +the same day. O' course I learned long ago to never take any sides +myself unless one of 'em was mine; but I will say as I don't believe no +one could feel for others more 'n I do when I hear folks shakin' their +heads over what as a general thing a person with brains like mine knows +is their own fault, an' knowed was goin' to be their own fault afore +they ever even began to think of doin' it. + +"Now there was Lucy Dill yesterday forenoon mournin' 'cause Hiram is +Hiram an' his mother is his mother, an' then after dinner there comes +Gran'ma Mullins with her bonnet strings an' her tears all streamin' +together, an' wants my sympathy 'cause Lucy herself is Lucy herself. +Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't but feel proud o' being able to hold the +reins so hard on my own bit that I never up an' told either on 'em the +plain truth, which is as they was all fools together to of ever looked +for the weddin' service to have changed any on 'em." + +"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I don't know as I'm prepared to say what I think. To hear Lucy you'd +think _she_ was surely the martyr, but to hear Gran'ma Mullins you would +n't be sure after all. Gran'ma Mullins says after the honeymoon is over +every one expects to settle down as a matter of course, an' she would +n't say a word against it only it's Lucy is doin' all the settlin' an' +poor Hiram as is doin' all the down. She says it's heartbreakin' to be a +only mother an' watch the way as Hiram is being everlastin'ly downed. +She says as we all remember that bright an' happy weddin' day[B] an' how +she downed her own feelin's an' waved rice after 'em just like +everybody else when they started off weddin'-trippin', each with their +own bag in his own hand. But, oh, she says, the way they come back! She +says they come back with Hiram carryin' both bags, an' her heart sunk +when she see 'em for she says when she was married it was _her_ as come +home carryin' both bags an' she says it's one of the saddest straws as +ever blows a bride out. She says she never expected much of her marriage +'cause she was engaged on a April Fool's Day in Leap Year, an' he give +her an imitation opal for a ring, but she says Hiram give Lucy a real +green emerald with a 18 an' a K inside it an' he looked to be happy even +with his mother's tears mildewin' his pillow every night that whole +summer. She says no one will ever know how hard she did try to get sense +into Hiram that summer afore it was too late. She says she used to sit +up in tears an' wait for him to come home from seein' Lucy, an' weep on +his neck with her arms tight round him for two or three hours +afterwards every night, but she says he never used to appreciate it. An' +she says what he needed to marry for, anyway, Heaven only knows, with +his whole life laid pleasantly out to suit him, an' a strong an' +able-bodied mother ready an' smilin' to hand him whatever he wanted just +as quick as he wanted it. An' she says she never asked him to do nothin' +as she could possibly do herself an' the way Lucy orders him +about!--well, she says it's beyond all belief. An' oh, but she says it +goes through her like a chained-up bolt of lightnin' the voice Lucy +speaks to him in, an' she said she would n't have no one know it for +worlds but she says as near as she can figger she hit him over the head +with a hairbrush night before last." + +[B] See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs." + +"With a--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast. + +"She says she ain't absolutely positive, but they was a-chasin' a June +bug in their room together, an' she heard the smash an' the next mornin' +when she went in to make Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy (she says +Lucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker) she see the nick on the brush, an' +she says when she see the nick an' remembered how hollow it rung, she +knew as it could n't possibly have been nothin' in that room except +Hiram's head. She says if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush now, +Heaven only knows what she'll be after him with in a year, for Gran'ma +Mullins' own husband went from a cake of soap to a whole cheese in a +fortnight an' she says it's a well-known fact as when a married man is +once set a-goin' he lands things faster an' faster. She says she thinks +about the andirons there, ready to Lucy's hand, until she's scared +white, an' yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd attract her to the +water pitcher." + +"Did Mr.--" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly, after several attempts to +slide a question-quoit in among Susan's game of words. + +"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. I could n't understand what he did do +with them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just as awful for he +grated the whole cake o' that soap on her front teeth to teach her not +to never refer to the deacon again, an' he dropped the cheese square on +her head when he was up on a step-ladder an' she was in a little +cupboard underneath leanin' over for a plate, an' then he tried to make +out as it was an accident. She says it was n't no accident though. She +says a woman as gets a cheese on the back of her head from a husband as +is on a step-ladder over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident story; +she says that cheese like to of hurt her for life an' was the greatest +of the consolations she had when he died. She says she never will forget +it as long as she's alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her heaven she +won't; she says when the cemetery committee come to her an' want her to +subscribe for keepin' him trimmed with a lawn mower an' a little flag on +Decoration Day, she always thinks of that cheese an' says no, thank +you, they can just mow him regularly right along with the rest. + +"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an' cold to see Hiram settin' out +along that stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned every pin in from +first to last. She says if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with him, +but no, to bed he must go feelin' as bright as a button, an' in the +mornin', oh my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear him wake up, for +Lucy washes his face so sudden with cold water that he gives one howl +before he remembers he's married, an' five minutes after she hangs every +last one of the bedclothes square out of the window. + +"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a pretty sad tale first an' last, an' +Gran'ma Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep being led to its +halter, but she says she can't feel as meekness pays women much. She +says she was meek an' Hiram's meek, an' she did n't get no reward but +soap an' that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so far is the hairbrush, an' +the water pitcher loomin'. + +"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage was n't enough took into +consideration nowadays, an' that it was too easy at the start, an' too +hard at the finish. You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there ain't a +mite o' doubt but what if the honeymoon come just afore the funeral +there'd be a deal more sincere mournin' than there is as it is now, an' +to _my_ order of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore the children, +folks would raise their families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mullins just that +very thing but it did n't seem to give her much comfort. She give a +little yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from havin' to sit by an' +watch Lucy Dill raise Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd never +be able to give 'em enough pie on the sly to keep 'em happy an' any one +with half an eye could see they'd be washed an' brushed half to death. +She says Lucy won't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards or sweep +a room without carryin' all the furniture out into the yard; oh my, she +says her ways is most awful an' I expect that, to Gran'ma Mullins, they +are. + +"I cheered her all I could. I told her she'd better make the best o' +things now, 'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd make her madder +an' madder, an' they'll all soon be lookin' back to this happy first +year as their one glimpse of paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy told +me o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucy +or he'd never stand being hit for a June bug or woke with a wash-cloth. +But I did kind of wonder how long it would last. If I was Lucy it would +n't last long, I know _that_. If I'd ever married a man I don't know how +long he'd of stood it or how long I'd of stood him, but I know one +thing, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from my heels to my hairpins--an' I +said it to Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it to you now--an' +that is that if I could n't of stood him I would n't of stood him, for +this is the age when women as read the papers don't stand nothin' they +don't want to--an' I would n't neither." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, you ain't me," said Miss Clegg, "you ain't me an' you ain't +Elijah neither. I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no livin' in the +house with any man as supposes livin' in the house with any other woman +is goin' to be pleasanter than livin' in the house with the woman as +he's then an' there livin' in the house with. The main thing in life is +to keep men down to a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but yours an' +keep yourself down to a low opinion of the man. You don't want to marry +him then an' he don't want to live with any one else. An' to my order of +thinkin' that's about the only way that a woman can take any comfort +with a man in the house." + + + + +CHAPTER V + +SUSAN CLEGG'S FULL DAY + + +"Well," said Miss Clegg, with strong emphasis, as she mounted Mrs. +Lathrop's steps, "I don't know, I'm sure, what I've come over here for +this night, for I never felt more like goin' right straight off to bed +in all my life before." Then she sat down on the top step and sighed +heavily. + +"It's been a full day," she went on presently; "an' I can't deny as I +was nothin' but glad to remember as Elijah was n't comin' home to +supper, for as a consequence I sha'n't have it to get. A woman as has +had a day like mine to-day don't want no supper anyhow, an' it stands to +reason as if I don't feel lively in the first place, I ain't goin' to be +made any more so by comin' to see you, for I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, +that seein' you always makes me wonder more'n ever why I come to see you +so often when I might just as well stay home an' go to bed. If I was in +my bed this blessed minute I'd be very comfortable, which I'm very far +from bein' here with this mosquito aimin' just over my slap each time; +an' then, too, I'd be alone, an' no matter how hard I may try to make +myself look upon bein' with you as the same thing as bein' alone, it is +n't the same thing an' you can't in conscience deny _that_, no matter +how hard you may sit without movin'." + +Mrs. Lathrop made no reply to this frank comment on her liveliness, and +after a short pause, Miss Clegg sighed heavily a second time, and +continued: + +"It's been a full day, a awful full day. In the first place the rooster +was woke by accident last night an' he up an' woke me. He must of woke +me about three o'clock as near as I can figure it out now, but I +supposed when I was woke as of course it was five so I got right up an' +went in an' woke Elijah. Elijah told me last week as he did n't believe +he'd ever seen the sun rise an' I was just enough out of sorts to think +as to-day would be a good time for him to begin to turn over a new leaf +as far as the sunrise was concerned. I must say he was n't very spry +about the leaf, for all he did was to turn himself over at first, but I +opened his window an' banged the blinds three or four times an' in the +end he got woke up without really knowin' just what had woke him. We had +breakfast with a candle, an' then Elijah was so tired lookin' out for +the sunrise that he looked in at his watch an' see as it was only +quarter to four then. He was real put out at that at first 'cause he +wrote till half past two last night, an' in the end he went back to bed +an' it certainly was a relief to see the last of him, for I may in +confidence remark as I never see him look quite so stupid afore. After +he was gone back to bed I washed up the breakfast dishes an' then I +went out in the wood shed in the dark an' there I got another surprise, +for I thought I'd look over the rags I was savin' for the next rag rug +an' when I poured 'em out in my lap, what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, +what _do_ you think poured out along with 'em?--Why, a nest of young +mice an' two old ones! + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe imagine my feelin's at four in the +mornin' with Elijah gone back to bed an' my own lap full of mice, but +whatever I yelled did n't disturb him any an' I just made two jumps for +the lamp in the kitchen, leavin' the mice wherever they hit to rearrange +their family to suit themselves. Well, the second jump must needs land +me right square on top of the cistern lid, an' it up an' went in, takin' +my left leg along with it as far as it would go. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, +talk of girls as can open an' shut, like scissors, in a circus--I was +scissored to that degree that for a little I could n't think which +would be wisest, to try an' get myself together again in the kitchen or +to just give up altogether in the cistern. In the end I hauled the leg +as had gone in out again, an' then I see where all the trouble come +from, for the cistern lid was caught to my garter an' what I'd thought +was a real injury was only it swingin' around an' around my leg. I put +the lid back on the cistern an' felt to sit with my legs crossed for +quite a while, thinkin' pleasant thoughts of the rooster as woke me, an' +by that time it was half past four, an' I could hear all the other +chickens stirrin' so I got up an' began to stir again myself. I opened +the front door an' looked out an' that did n't bring me no good luck +either, for as I looked out a bat flew in an' just as the bat flew in he +managed to hook himself right in my hair. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I tell you +I _was_ mad then. I don't know as I ever was madder than I was then. I +was so mad that I can't tell you how mad I was. The bat held on by +diggin' in like he thought I wanted to get him off, an' I pulled at him +so hard that I can't in conscience be surprised much over his takin' +that view of it. Well, in the end I had to take all my hairpins out +first an' then sort of skin him out of my hair lengthways, which, +whatever you may think about it, Mrs. Lathrop, is far from bein' funny +along afore dawn on a day as you 've begun at three thinkin' as it was +five." + +"Susan!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop; "don't--" + +"No, I'll have some when I get home. I like mine better than yours +anyway. Now you've made me forget where I was in my story." + +"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh yes, I remember now. Well, I was too put out at first to notice what +the bat did after I got him out o' my head, but when I went upstairs I +found him circlin' everywhere in a way as took every bit of home feelin' +out of the house an' I just saw that I'd have no peace till I could be +alone with Elijah again. So I got up an' got a broom an' went a battin' +for all I was worth. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just +as you please, but for one solid hour I run freely an' gayly up an' down +an' over an' under my own house after that bat. I never see nothin' like +that bat before or behind. He just sort of sailed here an' there an' +everywhere, an' wherever he sailed smoothly an' easily there was me +runnin' after him with the broom, whackin' at him every chance I got. We +was upstairs, we was downstairs, we was in the wood shed an' out of the +wood shed, we was under the kitchen table, we was over father's picture +on the mantel--we was everywhere, me an' that bat. Then all of a sudden +he disappeared completely an' I sit down in the rockin'-chair to puff +an' rest. Elijah slept till most eight an' I was so tired I let him +sleep although I never was one to approve of any man's sleepin', but +before he woke something worse than a bat come down on me, an' that was +Mrs. Sweet's cousin, Jerusha Dodd. You know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop, +an' so do I, an' so does everybody an' as far as my observation 's +extended bats is wise men bringin' their gifts from afar to visit you +compared to Jerusha Dodd when she arrives in the early mornin'. I would +n't never have gone to the door only she stepped up on the drain-pipe +first an' looked in an' saw me there in the rockin'-chair afore she +knocked. I tell you I was good an' mad when I see her an' see as she see +me an' I made no bones of it when I opened the door. I says to her frank +an' open--I says, 'Good gracious, Jerusha, I hope you ain't lookin' to +see me pleased at seein' as it's you.' But laws, you could n't smash +Jerusha Dodd not if you was a elephant an' she was his sat-down-upon +fly, so I had her sittin' in the kitchen an' sighin' in less'n no time. +She was full of her woes an' the country's woes as usual. Congress was +goin' to ruin us next year sure, an' she had a hole in her back fence +anyway; she did n't approve of Mr. Rockefeller's prices on oil, an' +there was a skunk in her cellar, an' she said she could n't seem to +learn to enjoy livin' the simple life as she'd had to live it since her +father died, a _tall_. She said that accordin' to her views life for +single women nowadays was too simple an' she said she really only lacked +bein' buried to be dead. She says as all a simple life is, is havin' no +rights except them as your neighbors don't want. She says for her part +she's been more took into the heart of creation than she's ever cared +about. I do hate to have to listen to the way she goes on an' no one can +say as I ever was one to encourage her in them views. I don't think it's +right to encourage no one in their own views 'cause their views is never +mine an' mine is always the right ones. This mornin' I stood it as long +as I could from Jerusha an' then I just let out at her an' I says to +her, I says, 'Jerusha Dodd, you really are a fool an' Heaven help them +as ever makes more of a fool of you, by tellin' you as you ain't.' You +know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop; she began to cry hard an' rock harder +right off, said she knowed she was a fool, but it was nature's fault an' +not hers for she was born so an' could n't seem to get the better of it. +I told her my view of the matter would be for her to stay home an' patch +up that hole in her fence an' pull up some o' that choice garden full of +weeds as she's growin', an' brush the dust off the crown of her bonnet, +an' do a few other of them wholesome little trifles as is a good deal +nearer the most of us than Mr. Rockefeller] an' what congress in its +infinite wisdom is goin' to see fit to deal out in the daily papers next +year. + +"But she only kept on cryin' an' rockin' an' finally I got so tired +listenin' to her creak an' sob that I went out an' had a real bright +idea. I got the little sink scratcher an' tied a wet piece of rag to +the handle an' went around behind her an' hung it suddenly in her back +hair. She put up her hand an' felt it, an' give a yell that woke Elijah. +You know how Jerusha Dodd acts when she's upset! She spun around so the +sink scratcher fell right out but she did n't have sense enough left in +her to know it. She yelled, 'What was it? what was it?' an' I yelled, +'It was a bat, it was a bat;' an' at that I see the last of Jerusha +Dodd, for she was out of my kitchen an' out of my sight afore Elijah +could get to the top of the stairs to begin yellin', 'What was it? what +was it?' on his own hook. I had to tell him all about it then an' he +wanted it for a item right off. He said he'd have a dash for Jerusha an' +a star for me, an' the idea took him like most of his ideas do, an' he +laughed till he coughed the coffee as I'd saved for him all the wrong +way, an' dropped a soft boiled egg as I'd boiled for him into the water +pitcher, an', oh my, I thought misfortunes never would come to a end or +even to a turnin'. But after he'd fished out the egg an' eat it, he went +off down to his uncle's an' he was n't more'n gone when in come Mrs. +Sweet to see if Jerusha left her breastpin, 'cause in her quick +breathin' it had fallen somewhere an' Jerusha was havin' hysterics over +losin' that now. While I was talkin' to Mrs. Sweet at the gate I smelt +somethin' burnin' an' there my whole bakin' of bread was burnt up in the +oven owin' to Jerusha Dodd's breathin' her breastpin out over a bat. I +felt to be some tempered then, an' Mrs. Sweet saw it an' turned around +an' left me, an' after she was gone I went into the house an' pulled +down the shades an' locked the door an' went to sleep. I slept till +Elijah come home to dinner an' of course there was n't no dinner ready +an' that put Elijah out. Elijah's got a good deal of a temper, I find, +an' the only thing in the world to do with a man in a temper, when he is +in a temper, is to make him so mad that he goes right off in a huff an' +leaves you to peace again. So I just made one or two remarks about my +opinion of things as he feels very strong about, an' he said he guessed +he'd get supper down town an' sleep at the store to-night. So he took +himself off an' he was hardly out of the way when Mrs. Macy come to tell +me about Judy Lupey's divorce." + +"Is--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Not yet, but she soon will be," said Miss Clegg. "Mrs. Macy's just back +from Meadville an' she says all Meadville is churned up over it. They +ain't never had a divorce there afore, an' every one is so interested to +know just how to do it, an' I will say this much for Mrs. Macy, an' that +is that she was nothin' but glad to tell me all about it. Seems as the +Lupeys is most awful upset over it though an' Mrs. Kitts says she ain't +sure as she won't change her will sooner than leave money to a woman +with two husbands." + +"Two--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Mrs. Macy says," continued Susan, "as Mrs. Lupey ain't much better +pleased than Mrs. Kitts over it all, an', although she did n't say it in +so many words, she hinted pretty plain as it seemed hard as the only one +of the girls to get married should be the same one as is gettin' +divorced. Mrs. Macy said she see her point of view, but to her order of +thinkin' the world don't begin to be where old maids need consider +divorces yet awhile. She says she stayed in the house with 'em all three +days an' she says she cheered Mrs. Lupey all she could; she says she +told her to her best ear as no one but a mother would ever have dreamed +of dreamin' of Faith or Maria's ever marryin' under any circumstances. +She said Mrs. Lupey said it was the quickness of Judy's gettin' tired of +Mr. Drake as had frightened her most. Why, she says as before the first +baby was through teethin' in her day, Judy was all up an' through an' +completely done with Mr. Drake. All done with him an' home again, an' +the family not even countin' to consider. + +"Mrs. Macy says as she's learned a awful lot about divorce as she did +n't know before. She said she could n't help being surprised over how +much a divorce is like a marriage, for Busby Bell was there every night +an' Judy an' the whole family is hard at work gettin' her clothes ready. +But Mrs. Macy says them as suppose the real gettin' of the divorce +itself is simple had ought to go an' stay at the Lupeys awhile. Why, she +says the way the Lupeys is complicated an' tied up by Judy an' Mr. Drake +is somethin' beyond all belief. To begin with, Judy decided to be +deserted because she thought it'd really be the simplest an' easiest in +the end an' she hated to bother with bein' black an' blue for witnesses +an' all that kind of business. But it seems being deserted, when you +live in the same town with a husband who rides a bicycle an' don't care +where he meets you, is just enough to drive a woman nigh to madness +itself. Why, Mrs. Macy says that Judy Lupey actually can't go out to +walk a _tall_, not 'nless Faith walk a block ahead of her an' Maria a +block behind, an' even then Mr. Drake's liable to come coastin' down on +'em any minute. She says it's awful tryin', an' Judy gets so mad over it +all that it just seems as if they could _not_ stand it. + +"But that ain't the only trouble neither, Mrs. Macy says. Seems Judy got +Solomon Drake for her lawyer 'cause he knowed the whole story, through +eatin' dinner at the Drakes every Sunday while they was stayin' married. +She thought havin' Solomon Drake would save such a lot of explainin' +'cause Mr. Drake is so hard to explain to any one as has just seen him +ridin' his bicycle an' not really been his wife. Well, seems as Judy +never calculated on Solomon's keepin' right on takin' Sunday dinner with +Mr. Drake, after he became her lawyer, but he does, an' none of the +Lupeys think it looks well, an' Judy finds it most tryin' because all +she an' Solomon talk over about the divorce he tells Mr. Drake on Sunday +out of gratitude for his dinner an' because it's a subject as seems to +really interest Mr. Drake. Seems Mr. Drake is a hard man to interest. +Judy says he was yawnin' afore they got to the station on their +honeymoon. + +"But Mrs. Macy says that ain't all, neither, whatever you may think, for +she says what do you think of Mr. Drake's goin' an' gettin' Busby Bell +of all the men in Meadville for _his_ lawyer, when the whole town knows +as it's Busby as Judy's goin' to marry next. Mrs. Lupey says as Judy +would have took Busby for her own lawyer only they was so afraid of +hurtin' each other's reputations, an' now really it's terrible, 'cause +Busby says as he don't well see what's to be done about their +reputations if the worst comes to the worst, for he's explained as very +likely Judy's goin' to need one more man than a husband to get her her +divorce. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as Busby said as if he had n't +been Mr. Drake's lawyer he'd have been more than ready to be the other +man, but as Mr. Drake's lawyer he can't help Judy no more'n if he was +Mr. Drake himself. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey cried, an' she told her as +she knowed as there was any number of quiet elderly men as any one could +depend on right here in our own community as'd be nothin' but glad to go +over to Meadville an' help anyway they could, but Mrs. Lupey asked Judy +about it, an' Judy asked Busby, an' Busby said men as you could depend +on anywhere was n't no use in divorce suits a _tall_. It's quite another +kind, it seems. Mrs. Macy says she's really very sorry for them all, for +it really seems awful to think how the Lupeys need a man an' the only +man they've got Judy's busy gettin' rid of as hard as she can. + +"Mrs. Macy says it's all most upsettin'. She says she never lived +through nothin' like it afore. Judy's cross 'cause she can't go out an' +meet Busby without runnin' the risk of meetin' Mr. Drake an' losin' all +the time she's put in so far bein' deserted. An' then there's a many +things as a outsider never would know about or even guess at unless +they've lived right in the house with a real live divorce. Mrs. Macy +says as Martha Hack, as does the washin' for 'em all, is forever +forgettin' an' sendin' Judy's wash home with Mr. Drake's just as if they +was still completely married. That would n't be so bad only Mr. Drake +waits for Solomon to get 'em Sunday, an' Solomon's kind-hearted an' +gives 'em to Busby so as to give him a excuse to make two calls in one +day. Well, Mrs. Macy says the come out of it all is as when Judy wants +to take a bath just about all Meadville has to turn out to see where +under heaven her clean clothes is. + +"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, tellin' it all to you does n't matter so +much, but to hear Mrs. Macy tell it makes you wonder if it's worth while +to try an' leave a man as you can't live with. Seems to me it'd be +easier to live with him. Mrs. Macy says as she met Mr. Drake several +times herself on his bicycle an' he looked most bloomin'. No one need +be sorry for him, an' not many is sorry for Judy. But Mrs. Macy says +there's only one person as all Meadville's sorry for, an' that's Busby +Bell." + +Mrs. Lathrop started to speak. + +"Yes," Susan went on hurriedly. "Elijah said just that same thing the +other day when he was talkin' about the Marlboroughs. He thinks as +divorces is all a mistake, but then you're a widow an' Elijah ain't +married so you're both pretty safe in airin' your views." + +Susan rose just here and descended the steps. "I must go," she said, "I +don't seem to take no particular interest in what you might be goin' to +tell me, Mrs. Lathrop, even if there was any chance of your ever gettin' +around to tellin' it, an' I've told you all I know, an' I'm very tired +talkin'. As I said before, it's been a full day an' I'm pretty well beat +out. I forgot to tell you as after Mrs. Macy was gone I found as it was +n't the bread I smelt in the oven--it was the bat. I suppose when I see +Mr. Kimball he'll make one of his jokes over bread-dough an' bats an' +batter, but I'll be too wore out to care. Did I say as Elijah said he'd +sleep at the store to-night?" + +"Will--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, all of a sudden. + +"Why, of course," said Susan, "it did n't hurt either loaf a mite. I'd +be as much of a fool as Jerusha Dodd if I let a little thing like a bat +spoil a whole bakin' of bread for me, Mrs. Lathrop. As for Elijah, he +did n't know nothin' about it an' I sha'n't tell him, you may be sure, +for he's the one as eats all the bread--I never touch it myself, as you +well know." + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +THE EDITOR'S ADVICE COLUMN + + +"I'm a good deal worried over Elijah," Miss Clegg said to Mrs. Lathrop, +one day when the new paper was about three weeks old, and when the town +had begun to take both it and its editor with reasonable calm; "he does +have so many ideas. Some of his ideas are all right as far as I can see, +but he has 'em so thick an' fast that it worries me more'n a little. It +ain't natural to have new ideas all the time an' no one in this +community ever does it. He's forever tellin' me of some new way he's +thought of for branchin' out somewhere an' his branches make me more'n a +little nervous. The old ways is good enough for us an' I try to hold him +down to that idea, but first he wants me to get a new kind of flatirons +as takes off while you heat it, an' next he wants me to fix the paper +all over new. + +"I brought over somethin' as he wrote last night to read you, an' show +you how curious his brains do mix up things. He brought it down this +mornin' an' read it to me, an' I asked him to give it to me to read to +you. I was goin' to bring it to you anyway, but then he said as I could +too, so it's all right either way. It's some of his new ideas an' he +said he'd be nothin' but glad to have you hear 'em 'cause he says the +more he lives with me the more respect he's got for your hearin' an' +judgment. He asked me what I thought of it first, an' I told him frank +an' open as I did n't know what under the sun to think of it. I meant +that, too, for I certainly never heard nothin' like it in my life afore, +so he said we could both read it to-day an' I could tell him what we +thought to-night, when he come home. + +"Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with real interest. + +"Well, seems he's been thinkin' as it's time to begin to show us how +up-to-date he looks on life, he says, an' as a consequence he's openin' +up what he calls the field of the future. He says he's goin' to have a +editorial this week on beginnin' from now on to make every issue of the +_Megaphone_ just twice as good as the one afore. I told him if he really +meant what he said it could n't possibly be worth no dollar a year now, +but he said wait an' see an' time would tell an' virtue be her own +reward. He says he's goin' to make arrangements with a woman in the city +for a beauty column, an' arrangements with some other woman as is a +practical preserver, an' have a piece each time on how to be your own +dressmaker once you get cut out; I thought that these things was about +enough for one paper, but oh my! he went on with a string more, as long +as your arm. He's goin' to begin to have a advice column too, right +off, an' that's this I've brought over to read you; he says lots of +folks want advice an' don't want to tell no one nor pay nothin' an' they +can all write him an' get their answers on anythin' in the wide world +when the paper comes out Saturday. I could n't but open my eyes a little +at that, for I know a many as need advice as I should n't consider +Elijah knew enough to give, but Elijah's a man an' in consequence don't +know anythin' about how little he does know, so I did n't say nothin' +more on that subject. He's full of hope an' says he's soon goin' to show +big city papers what genius can do single-handed with a second-hand +printin' press, an' he talked an' talked till I really had to tell him +that if he did n't want his breakfast he'd have to go back to bed or +else down town." + +"Is the--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, this is it. He done it last night an' he give it to me this +mornin' to read to you. It's to be called 'The Advice Column' an' he's +goin' to head it 'Come to My Bosom' an' sign it 'Aunt Abby' 'cause of +course if he signed it himself he'd be liable for breach of promise from +any girl as read the headin' an' chose to think he meant her." + +"But who--?" began Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Why, nobody the first week, of course. He had to make 'em up +himself--an' the answers too, an' that's what makes it all seem so silly +to me. But he did work over it,--he says no one knows the work of +gettin' people stirred up to enthusiasm in a small town like this, an' +he says he'd ought to have a martyr's crown of thorns, he thinks, for +even thinkin' of gettin' a advice column started when most of his +energies is still got to go tryin' to get our fund for the famine big +enough to make it pay to register the letter when the cheque goes. He +says the trouble with the fund is no one has no relations there an' a +good many thought as it was mostly Chinamen as is starvin' anyhow. +Elijah says the world is most dreadful hard-hearted about +Chinamen--they don't seem to consider them as of any use a _tall_. He +says it's mighty hard to get up a interest in anythin' here anyhow, Lord +knows--for he says that San Francisco fund an' what become of it has +certainly been a pill an' no mistake. The nearest he come to that was +gettin' a letter as Phoebe White wrote the deacon about how the +government relief train run right through the town she's in, but Elijah +says after all his efforts he has n't swelled the famine fund +thirty-five cents this week. He says Clightville has give nine dollars +an' Meadville has give fifteen dollars an' two barrels an' a mattress, +if anybody wants it C. O. D., an' here we are stuck hard at six dollars +an' a quarter an' two pennies as the minister's twins brought just after +they choked on them licorish marbles." + +"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, I did n't. I tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop, I keep a learnin'; in +regard to givin' to funds I've learned a very good trick from +Rockefeller an' Carnegie in the papers; they come to me about that San +Francisco one an' I said right out frank an' open that if the town would +give five hundred dollars I'd give fifty. That shut up every one's mouth +an' set every one to thinkin' how much I was willin' to give an' as a +matter of fact I did n't give nothin' a _tall_." + +"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes," said Susan, opening the paper which she had in her hand, "I was +just thinkin' of it, too. I'll read it to you right off now an' you see +if you don't think about as I do. I think myself as Elijah's made some +pretty close cuts at people, only of course every one will guess as he +must of made 'em up 'cause they don't really fit to no one. Still, it's +a risky business an' I wish he'd let it alone for he lives in my house +an' I know lots of folks as is mean enough to say that these things was +like enough said to him by me--a view as is far from likely to make my +friends any more friendly." + +"Do--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, I'm goin' to." Then Miss Clegg drew a long breath and re-began +thus: + +"Well, now, the first is, 'How can you put pickles up so they'll keep +the year 'round?'" She paused there and looked expectantly at the placid +Mrs. Lathrop as if she was asking a riddle or conducting an examination +for the benefit of her friend. Mrs. Lathrop, however, had turned and was +looking the other way so it was only when the length of the pause +brought her to herself with a violent start, that she answered: + +"My heavens ali--" + +"The answer is," said Susan promptly, "'Put 'em up so high that nobody +can reach them.'" + +Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes. + +"I don't--" she protested. + +"No, I did n't think as it was very sensible myself," responded Susan, +"but do you know, Elijah laughed out loud over it. That's what's funny +about Elijah to my order of thinkin'--he's so amused at himself. He +thinks that's one of the best things he's done as a editor, he says, an' +I'm sure I can't see nothin' funny in it any more than you can. An' you +don't see nothin' funny in it, do you?" + +"No," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--" + +"Nor me neither," said Susan, "an' now the next one is sillier yet, to +my order of thinkin'. It's a letter an' begins, 'Dear Aunt Abby;' then +it says, 'Do you think it is possible to be happy with a young man with +freckles? My husband says Yes, but my mother says No. He's my husband's +son by his first wife. I have twins myself. I want the boy sent to a +home of some sort. What do you think? Yours affectionately--Ada.'" + +"What under the--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Just what I said," said Susan. "I could n't make head or tail out of it +myself an' I'm afraid it'll make Deacon White mad 'cause Polly's his +second wife--yes, an' the minister's got two wives, too. I tried to make +Elijah see that but he just said to read the answer." + +"What is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, the answer's just as dumbfounderin' as the question, I think. The +answer says, 'Hang on to the boy. If you get the twin habit he'll prove +invaluable.'" + +"Well, I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, disgustedly. + +"I told Elijah that myself. I said that the minister was bound to feel +hurt over the second wife part, but with twins in the answer he's sure +to feel it means him an' I expect he'll maybe stop takin' the paper an' +join Mrs. Macy's club. Mrs. Macy got real mad at somethin' Mr. Kimball +sold her last week an' as a consequence she went an' made what she calls +her Newspaper Club, she rents her paper for a cent a day now an' she +made four cents last week. She says if Elijah Doxey ever says anythin' +in the paper about her again she'll take three papers an' rent 'em at +two mills a day an' supply the whole town an' wreck him so flat he'll +have to hire out to pick hops. I told Elijah what she said an' he said +for the Lord's sake to tell Mrs. Macy as her toes was hereafter +perfectly safe from all his treads. I told her, but she says he need n't +think quotin' from poets is goin' to inspire faith in him in her very +soon again. She says over in Meadville it's town talk as Elijah Doxey is +havin' just a box of monkeys' fun with us." + +"Do you--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed. + +"No, I don't, for I asked him an' he crossed his heart to the contrary. +But really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read the rest of this for I've +got to be gettin' home to get supper." + +"Go--" said the neighbor. + +"No, I won't till I've done. The next one is this one an' it says, 'How +long ought any one to wait to get married? I have waited several years +an' there is nothin' against the man except he's eighty-two an' +paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an' Ma oppose the match an' are the +oldest couple in the country,' an' Elijah has signed it 'Lovin'ly, +Rosy'--of all the silly things!" + +"He must be--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I should think so," said Susan; "why, he was rollin' all over the sofa +laughin' over that. The answer is, 'I would wait a little longer--you +can lose nothin' by patience.' I call that pretty silly, too." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, indeed," said Susan, folding up the paper, "I felt it an' I said +it, an' I knew you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I must say as I +don't like his Advice Column, an' I'd never be one to advise no one to +write to it for advice. His answers don't seem to tell you nothin', to +my order of thinkin', an' that one about the pickles struck me just like +a slap in my face." + +"I'd never--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Nor me neither. If I want to know I come to you." + +"And I--" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly. + +"I know you would," said her friend, "whatever faults you've got, Mrs. +Lathrop, I'd always feel that about you." + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +MRS. MACY AND THE CONVENTION + + +Mrs. Lathrop was out in the garden, pottering around in an aimless sort +of way which she herself designated as "looking after things," but which +her friend and neighbor called "wastin' time an' strength on nothin'." +Whenever Miss Clegg perceived Mrs. Lathrop thus engaged she always +interrupted her occupation as speedily as possible. On the occasion of +which I write, she emerged from her own kitchen door at once, and +called: + +"Oh, Mrs. Lathrop, come here, I've got a surprise for you." + +Mrs. Lathrop forthwith ceased to gaze fondly and absent-mindedly over +her half-acre of domain, and advanced to the fence. Miss Clegg also +advanced to the fence, and upon its opposite sides the following +conversation took place. + +"I went to see Mrs. Macy yesterday afternoon," Miss Clegg began, "an' I +saw her an' that's what the surprise come from." + +"She isn't--" asked Mrs. Lathrop anxiously. + +"Oh, no, she's all right--that is, she's pretty nearly all right, but I +may remark as the sight an' hearin' of her this day is a everlastin' +lesson on lettin' women be women an' allowin' men to keep on bein' men +for some years to come yet. Mrs. Macy says for her part she's felt that +way all along but every one said it was her duty an' she says she always +makes a point of doin' her duty, an' this time it was goin' to give her +a free trip to town, too, so the hand of Providence seemed to her to be +even more'n unusually plainly stuck out at her." + +"Oh," said Mrs. Lathrop--"you mean--" + +"Of course I do," said Susan, "but wait till I tell you how it come out. +It's come out now, an' all different from how you know." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, you wait an' listen," said the friend,--"you wait an' listen an' +then you'll know, too." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, submissively. + +"She says," Miss Clegg went on, "that we all know (an' that's true, too, +'cause I told you that before) as she was never much took with the idea +even in the first of it. She says as she thinks as Elijah's ideas is +gettin' most too progressive an' if he ain't checked we'll very soon +find ourselves bein' run over by some of his ideas instead of pushed +forward. She says woman's clubs is very nice things an' Mrs. Lupey takes +a deal of pleasure with the one in Meadville (whenever they don't meet +at her house)--but Mrs. Macy says our sewin' society ain't no club an' +never was no club, an' she considers as it was overdrawin' on Elijah's +part to start the question of its sendin' a delegate to any federation +of any kind of woman's clubs. She says she can't see--an' she said at +the meetin' as elected her, that she couldn't see--what our sewin' +society could possibly get out of any convention, for you can buy all +the patterns by mail now just as well as if you have 'em all to look +over. An' then she says, too, as no one on the face of kingdom come +could ever be crazy enough to suppose as any convention could ever get +anythin' out of our delegates, so what was the use of us an' them ever +tryin' to get together a _tall_. I thought she was very sensible +yesterday, an' I thought she was very sensible at the meetin' as elected +her, an' I tried to talk to Elijah, but Elijah's so dead set on our +bein' up to time with every Tom, Dick an' Harry as comes along with any +kind of a new plan, that I can't seem to get him to understand as no one +in this town wants to be up to time--we're a great deal better suited +takin' our own time like we always did until he come among us. Mrs. Macy +says as we all know as no one wanted to be a delegate to the federation +to begin with, an' you know that yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, for I was there +an' Elijah's idea resulted in the first place in every one's stayin' +away from that meetin' for fear as they'd be asked to go. They had to +set another day for the sewin' society an' even then a good many cleaned +house instead for a excuse, an' Mrs. Sweet said right out as she did n't +believe as any of us knowed enough to go to a convention an' so we'd +better all stay home. I had to speak up at that an' say as Elijah had +told me as things was fixed now so folks as did n't know anythin' could +go to a convention just as well as any one else, but Mrs. Jilkins said +in that case she should feel as if she was wastin' her time along with a +lot of fools, an' what she said made such a impression that in the end +the only one as they could possibly get to go was Mrs. Macy, so they +elected her. Mrs. Macy was n't enthusiastic about bein' elected, a +_tall_, but Mrs. Lupey is her cousin an' Mrs. Lupey was the Meadville +delegate, an' she says she thought as they could sit together, an' Mrs. +Lupey wanted to go to the city anyway about reducin' her flesh, an' Mrs. +Macy said that was sure to be interestin' for the one as Mrs. Lupey +likes best is the one as you run chains of marbles up an' down your back +alone by yourself, an' Mrs. Macy wanted to see them givin' Mrs. Lupey +full directions for nothin'--she thought it would be so amusin'--an' so +in the end she said she'd go. + +"Well, she says foreign folks before they come to this country is wise +compared to her! She was tellin' me all about it this afternoon. I never +hear such a tale--not even from Gran'ma Mullins. She says Elijah sent in +her name an' they filed her next day an' she says they've never quit +sendin' her the filin's ever since. I told you as I heard in the square +she was gettin' a good deal of mail but I never mistrusted how much +until she showed me her box for kindlin' fires next winter. Why, she +says it's beyond all belief! The right end of the box has got the papers +as was n't worth nothin' an' the left end has got them as is really +valuable. Well, after I'd looked at the box we set down an' she told me +the hide an' hair of the whole thing. She says at first she got letters +from everybody under the sun askin' her her opinions an' views, some +about things as she never heard of before an' others as to things as she +considers a downright insult to consider as she might know about. But +she says views an' insults don't really matter much, after you reach her +age, so she let those all go into the box together an' thought she'd +think no more about it. She says there was only just one as she really +minded an' that was the one about her switch. Seems she was n't decided +about even wearin' her switch to the convention, for she says it's very +hard to get both ends of a switch fastened in at the same do-up an' one +end looks about as funny as the other, stickin' out, but she says you +can maybe imagine her feelin's when a man as she would n't know from +Adam wrote her a letter beginnin', 'Hello, hello, why don't you have +that dyed?' an' a picture of him lookin' at a picture of her very own +switch with a microscope! She says she never was so took aback in all +her life. There was another picture on the envelope of the man at a +telephone an' he'd got all the other delegates' switches done an' +hangin' up to dry for 'em an' she says she will say as the law against +sendin' such things through the mail had certainly ought to be applied +to that man right then an' there. She says it's years since she's got +red from anythin' but bein' mad, but she was red from both kinds of +woman's feelin's then an' don't you forget it. But laws, she says +switches is child's play to what another man wrote her about his +garters. Not her garters but his garters, mind you, Mrs. Lathrop. Would +you believe that that other man had the face to ask her point-blank if, +while she was in town, she'd be so kind as to give five minutes to +comin' an' lookin' at his garters!--at _his garters_! He said they +hooked onto his shoulders an' he just wanted a chance to tell her how +comfortable they was. Well, she says the idea of any man's garters bein' +of any interest to a widow was surely most new to her, an' it was all +she could do to keep from writin' an' tellin' him so. She says she never +hear the beat of such impertinence in all her life. Why, she says when +she had a husband she never took no special interest in his garters as +she recollects. She says she remembers as he used to pull up when he +first got up in the mornin' an' then calmly wrinkle down all day, but +she says if her lawful husband's garters' wrinkles did n't interest her, +it ain't in reason as any other man's not wrinklin' is goin' to. But +she says that ain't all whatever I may think (or you either, Mrs. +Lathrop), for although the rest ain't maybe so bad, still it's bad +enough an' you 'll both agree to that when you hear it, I know. She says +more men wrote her, an' more, an' more, an' the things they said was +about all she could stand, so help her Heaven! One asked her if she +knowed she needed a new carpet an' he happened to keep carpets, an' +another told her her house needed paintin' an' he happened to keep +paint, an' another just come out flat as a flounder an' said if she +knowed how old her stove was, she'd come straight to him the first +thing, an' he happened to keep stoves. An' she says they need n't +suppose as she was n't sharp enough to see as every last one of them +letters was really writ to sound unselfish, but with the meanin' +underneath of maybe gettin' her to buy somethin'. + +"An' then she says there come a new kind as really frightened her by +gettin' most too intimate on postal cards." + +"On postal--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes--on postal cards. One wrote as she could get her husband back if +she'd only follow his direction, an' she says the last thing she wants +is to get her husband back, even if he is only just simply dead; an' +another told her if she'd go through his exercises she could get fat or +thin just as she pleased, an' the exercises was done in black without no +clothes on around the edge of the card, an' Mrs. Macy says when Johnny +handed her the card at the post office she like to of died then an' +there. Why, she says they was too bad to put in a book, even--they was +too bad to even send Mrs. Lupey!" + +"Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Then on Monday last still another new kind begin an' they've been +comin' more an' more each mail. They was the convention itself beginnin' +on her. An' she says she don't know whether they was a improvement or +worse to come. One wrote an' told her if she was temperance to report +to them the first thing, an' then stand shoulder to shoulder from then +on straight through the whole week. Well, Mrs. Macy says she could n't +consider goin' anywhere an' standin' up through a whole week so she +wrote 'em she was for the Family Entrance, where everybody can sit down, +an' she feels bad because she's a great believer in temperance, but she +says she can't help it, she's got to have a chair anywhere where she's +to stay for a week. So temperance loses Mrs. Macy. Then woman's +sufferige did n't wait to ask her what she was, but sent her a button +an' told her to sew it right on right then an' there. She says she was +feelin' so bad over the temperance that she was only too glad to be +agreeable about the button so she done it, but it's hard to button over +on a'count of bein' a star with the usual spikes an' the only place +where she needed a button was on her placket hole, an' a spiked button +in the back of your petticoat is far from bein' amusin' although she +says she can't but think as it's a very good badge for sufferige +whenever she steps on it in steppin' out of her clothes at night. Then +next she got a letter askin' her if she'd join the grand battalion to +rally around the flag, an' she says it was right then an' there as she +begin to fill the kindlin' box. + +"Well, she says she'd got the box half full when to-day she got the +final slam in her face! + +"There came this mornin' her directions for goin' an' she says when she +see for the first time just the whole width of what she was let in to +she most fell over backward then an' there. + +"First was a badge with a very good safety pin as she can always use; +she says she did n't mind the badge. Then there was paper tellin' her as +she was M. 1206 an' not to let it slip her mind an' to mark everythin' +she owned with it an' sew it in her hat an' umbrella. Then there was a +map of the city with blue lines an' pink squares an' a sun without any +sense shinin' square in the middle. Then there was a paper as she must +fill out an' return by the next mail if she was meanin' to eat or sleep +durin' the week. Then there was four labels all to be writ with her name +an' her number an' one was for her trunk if it weighed over a hundred +pounds, an' one was for her trunk if it weighed under a hundred pounds, +an' one was for her trunk if it was a suit case, an' one was for her +trunk if it was n't. + +"Well, Mrs. Macy says you can maybe imagine how her head was swimmin' by +this time an' the more she read how she was to be looked out for, the +more scared she got over what might possibly happen to her. She says it +was just shock after shock. There was a letter offerin' to pray with her +any time she'd telephone first, an' a letter tellin' her not to overpay +the hack, an' a letter sayin' as it's always darkest afore dawn, an' if +she'd got any money saved up to bring it along with her an' invest it +by the careful advice of him as had the letter printed at his own +expense. Why, she says she didn't know which way to turn or what to do +next she was that mixed up. + +"An' then yesterday mornin' come the final bang as bu'sted Mrs. Macy! +She got a letter from a man as said he'd meet her in the station an' +tattoo her name right on her in the ladies' waitin'-room, so as her +friends could easy find her an' know her body at the morgue. Well, she +said that ended her. She says she never was one to take to bein' stuck +an' so she just up an' wrote to Mrs. Lupey as she would n't go for love +or money--" + +"Why," cried Mrs. Lathrop, "then she isn't--" + +"No," said Susan, "she isn't goin'. She ain't got the courage an' it's +cruel to force her. I told her to give me the ticket an' I'd go in her +place." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE BIENNIAL + + +On the day that the Convention of Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop, +having seen her friend depart, composed herself for a period of +unmitigated repose which might possibly last, she thought, for several +days. Susan had awakened her very early that morning to receive her back +door key and minute instructions regarding Elijah and the chickens. +Elijah had undertaken to look after the chickens, but Miss Clegg stated +frankly that she should feel better during her absence if her friend +kept a sharp eye on him during the process. "Elijah's got a good heart," +said the delegate, "but that don't alter his bein' a man an' as a +consequence very poor to depend upon as to all things about the house. +I don't say as I lay it up against him for if he was like Deacon White, +an' had ideas of his own as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'd +drive me mad in no time, but still I shall take it as a personal favor +of you, Mrs. Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you see him if he's +remembered all I told him, an' _don't_ let him forget the hen as is +thinkin' some of settin' in the wood shed, for if she does it, she'll +need food just as much as if she does n't do it." + +Then Miss Clegg departed, with her valise, her bonnet in a box, and some +lunch in another box. She went early, for the simple reason that the +train did the same thing, and as soon as she was gone Mrs. Lathrop, as I +before remarked, went straight back to bed and to sleep again. She had a +feeling that for a while at least no demand upon her energies could +possibly be made, and it was therefore quite a shock to her when some +hours later she heard a vigorous pounding on her back door. + +Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop was +some minutes in getting to the door, and when she got there, was some +seconds in fumbling at the lock with her dream-benumbed fingers; but in +the end she got it open, and then was freshly paralyzed by the sight of +her friend, standing without, with her valise, her bonnet-box, her lunch +in the other box, and the general appearance of a weary soldier who has +fought but not exactly won. + +"Why, Susan, I thought you--" began Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyes +both popping widely open. + +"I did, an' I've got through an' I've come home." Miss Clegg advanced +into the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited her belongings upon +the table and herself upon a chair. "I've been to the convention," she +said; then, "I've been to the convention, an' I've got through with +that, too, an' I've got home from that, too." + +"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing into a more advanced stage of +perplexity, as she came more fully to herself, noted more fully her +friend's exceedingly battered appearance, and folding what she had +slipped on well about her, sought her rocker. + +"I don't know, I'm sure," said Susan, "it beats me what anybody else +does it for, either. But you must n't ask me questions, Mrs. Lathrop, +partly because I'm too tired to answer them, an' partly because I've +come over to tell you anyhow an' I can always talk faster when you don't +try to talk at the same time." + +Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about of her overgarment, and prepared to +hold her tongue more tightly than ever. + +"In the first place," said Susan, speaking in the highly uplifted key +which we are all apt to adopt under the stress of great excitement mixed +with great fatigue; "in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know as Mrs. +Macy insisted on keepin' the badge 'cause she said she wanted to work +it into that pillow she's makin', so I had to get along with the card as +had her number on it. As a consequence I naturally had a very hard time, +for I could n't find Mrs. Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe from the +start clear through to the finish. I can tell you I've had a hard day +an' no one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to me never again. I'm too +full of Women's Wrongs for my own comfort from now on, an' the way I've +been treated this day makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem before +I'd ever be a delegate to nothin' run by women again. + +"In the first place when I got to the train it was full an' while I was +packin' myself into the two little angles left by a very fat man, a +woman come through an' stuck a little flag in my bonnet without my ever +noticin' what she done an' that little flag pretty near did me up right +in the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin' to a Woman's Convention +makes you everybody's business but your own from the beginnin', an' that +little flag as that woman stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one as +I was a delegate. + +"I set with a very nice lady as asked me as soon as she see the little +flag if I knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption from one as +has n't. I told her I did n't an' she talked about that till we got to +town, which made the journey far from interestin' an' is goin' to make +it very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of my life. Then we got out +an' I got rid of her, but that did n't help me much, for I got two +others as see the little flag right off an' they never got off nor let +up on me. I was took to a table as they had settin' in the station +handy, put in their own private census an' then give two books an' a map +an' seven programs an' a newspaper an' a rose, all to carry along with +my own things, an' then a little woman with a little black bag as had +noticed the little flag too took me away, an' said I need n't bother +about a thing for I could go with her an' welcome. + +[Illustration: "'A lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if I +was a delegate or an alternative.'" _Page_ 119] + +"I did n't want to go with her, welcome or not, but they all seemed +pleased with the arrangement, so I went with her, an' I was more'n a +little mad for every time I dropped the rose or a program, tryin' to get +rid of them, she'd see it an' pick it up an' give it back to me. We +walked a little ways in that pleasant way an' then she asked me how I +was raisin' my children, an' I said I did n't have none. She said, 'Oh +my, what would Mr. Roosevelt say to that?' and I said it was n't his +affair nor no other man's. I may in confidence remark as by this time I +was gettin' a little warm, Mrs. Lathrop. + +"We come to the convention hall after a good long walk an' I was quite +hot two ways by that time, for I was mad an' awful tired too. The little +woman left me then an' a lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me +if I was a delegate or an alternative 'cause it was important to know +right off in the beginnin'. I told her I was for Mrs. Macy an' she got +out a book an' looked in it very carefully to see for sure whether to +believe me or not an' then she told me to go on in. There was a door as +squeaked an' they pushed me through it an' I found myself, bag, flag an' +all, in the convention. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never see the beat of that place in all my life. +They'd done what they could to make it cheerful an' homelike by paintin' +it green at one end but it was plain to be seen as the paint soon give +out an' towards the top the man as was paintin' must of give out too, +for he just finished up by doing a few circles here an' there an' then +left it mainly plain. Below was all chairs an' they'd started to +decorate with banners but they'd given out on banners even quicker than +on paint an' the most of the hall was most simple. + +"I walked up as far towards the front as I could an' then I sat down. I +can't say as I was very comfortable nor much impressed an' the folks +further back was very restless an' kept sayin' they could n't hear what +was goin' on on the platform. There was a lady on the platform hammerin' +a table for dear life an' to my order of thinkin' anybody must have been +deaf as could n't have heard her hammerin', but she looked happy an' +that was maybe the main thing, for a woman behind me whispered as the +spirit of her with the hammer just filled the room. Well, I stood it as +long as I could an' then I got up an' remarked frank an' open as if +every one would keep still every one could easy hear. They all clapped +at that, but the lady with the hammer could n't seem to even hear me an' +hammered worse than ever all the while they was clappin'. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to make a long story short it was n't very +interestin'--I will even in confidence remark as I found it pretty dull. +I read all my seven programs an' made out as the first day was give to +greetin' an' the next to meetin'. The next was on trees an' the one +after that they was all goin' to drive. An' so on, an' so on. Then I +smelt my rose some, an' a thorn stuck into my nose some an' the +hammerin' made me very tired an' finally a woman come in an' said I had +her seat so I give it to her with a glad heart an' come out, an' I never +was happier to do anythin' in my whole life before. But I was hardly out +when a lady as I had n't seen yet see my little flag an' pounced on me +an' said was I Miss Clegg? an' I did n't see nothin' to be gained by +sayin' I was n't so I said Yes, I was. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, that was pretty near to bein' the beginnin' of my +end. That woman hustled me into a carriage, give my valise to the driver +an' told him to be quick. I was too dumb did up by her actions to be +able to think of anythin' to say so I just sit still, an' she pinned a +purple ribbon onto me an' told me she'd read two of my books an' died +laughin' only to look at me. I was more than afraid as she was crazy but +she talked so fast I could n't even see a chance to open my mouth so I +did n't try. + +"She said when they was gettin' ready for the convention an' dividin' up +celebrities among themselves that she just took me right off. She said +as she was goin' to give a lunch for me an' a dinner for me an' I don't +know what all. She was still talkin' when the carriage stopped at a +hotel. + +"She said I must n't mind a hotel much 'cause her husband minded company +more, an' I did n't see any sort of meanin' to her remark, but David in +the lions' den was a roarin' lion himself compared to me that minute, so +I just walked behind her an' she took me in an' up in a elevator an' +into a room with a bathroom an' a bouquet an' there she told me to give +her the key of the valise an' she'd unpack while I was in the bath tub. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm sure I never had no idea of needin' a bath that +bad when I set off for the city to-day, an' you'll maybe be surprised at +me bein' so wax about extra washin' in her hands, but I was so wild to +get away from her an' her steady talk by that time, that I give her the +key an' went into the bathroom an' made up my mind as I'd try a bath all +over at once for the first time in my life, seein' as there did n't seem +to be nothin' else to do, an' the tub was handy. + +"So I undressed an' when I was undressed I begin to look where I was to +leap. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never see such a tub as that tub in all +your life before! There was a hole in the middle of the bottom an' the +more water run in the more water run out. At first I could n't see how I +was goin' to manage but after a while I figured it out an' see as there +was nothin' for me to do but to sit on that hole an' paddle like I was +paid for it with both hands at once to keep from being scalded while the +tub filled from two steady spurts one boilin' an' one of ice water. +Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never felt nothin' like that kind of a bath +before! + +"If I tried to wash anywhere as was at all difficult I lost my grip on +the hole an' the water went out with a swish as made Niagara look like a +cow's tail afore I could possibly get in position again. I was n't more +'n halfway down my washin' when the awfulest noise begin outside an' the +convention itself was babes sleepin' in soothin' syrup compared to +whatever was goin' on in that next room. + +"I tell you I got out of that tub in a hurry an' rubbed off as best I +could with a very thick towel marked 'Bath' as was laid on the floor all +ready, an' got into my clothes an' went out. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you may believe me or not just as you please, but +it was _another_ lady with _another_ delegate with _another_ purple +ribbon an' _another_ little flag. The ladies was very mad an' the other +delegate was bitin' her lips an' lookin' out the window. In the end the +ladies was so mad they went down to the telephone an' left the delegate +an' me alone in the room together. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but +that other delegate asked me my name an' when I told her she said it was +her name, too. Then she laughed until she cried an' said she never hear +anythin' to beat us. She said it was all as clear as day to her an' that +she should write a story about it. She said about all she got out of +life was writin' stories about it an' she never lost a chance to make a +good one. She said she wished I'd stay with her an' I could have half +the bed an' half of that same tub as long as I like. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, the long an' short of it was as I felt that no +matter how kind she was I would n't never be able to be happy anywhere +where I had to be around with a woman who talked all the time, an' sleep +in a bed with another Susan Clegg, an' wash in a tub as you have to stop +up with some of yourself, so I just took my things an' come home by the +noon train an' I'll stay here one while now, too, I guess." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, I was just going to ask you where you put it," said Miss Clegg, "I +shall need it to get in the back door." + +"It's--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I can get it myself," said her friend, rising. "Well, good-bye. I won't +deny as I'm mad for my lunch won't be any the better for ridin' to town +an' back this hot day, but the Lord fits the back to the burden, so I +guess Elijah will be able to eat it, leastways if he don't he won't get +nothin' else,--I know _that_, for it was him as got up the fine idea of +sending a delegate from the sewin' society to the convention an' I don't +thank him none for it, I know _that_." + +"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly. + +"I ain't sure," said Miss Clegg. "Elijah strikes me as more thorns than +roses this night. I never was one to feel a longin' for new experiences, +an' I've had too many to-day, as he'll very soon learn to his sorrow +when he comes home to-night." + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +THE FAR EASTERN TROPICS + + +"You look--" said Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously, one afternoon, when Susan +Clegg had come around by the gate to enjoy a spell of mutual sitting and +knitting. + +"Well, I am," confessed Susan, unrolling her ball and drawing a long +breath; "I may tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I really never +was more so. What with havin' to look after Elijah's washin' an' his +mendin' an' his cookin' an' his room, an' what with holdin' down his new +ideas an' explainin' to people as he did n't mean what it sounds like +when I ain't been able to hold 'em down, I do get pretty well wore out. +I can see as Mr. Kimball sees how Elijah is wearin' on me for he gives +me a chair whenever I go in there now an' that just shows how anxious +he is for me to rest when I can, but it really ain't altogether Elijah's +fault for the way my back aches to-day, for I got this ache in a way as +you could n't possibly understand, Mrs. Lathrop, for I got it from +sittin' up readin' a book last night as you or any ordinary person would +of gone to sleep on the second page of an' slept clear through to the +index; but I was built different from you an' ordinary persons, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' if I'd thanked the Lord as much as I'd ought to for that +I'd never have had time to do nothin' else in _this_ world." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with interest. + +"It was a book," said her friend, beginning to knit assiduously--"a book +as a boy he went to school with sent Mr. Fisher with a postal card, +sayin' as every American man 'd ought to read it thoughtfully. Mrs. +Fisher took it out of the post office an' read the postal card, an' she +said right off as she did n't approve of Mr. Fisher's reading books as +every man ought to know, so she let me have it to bring home an' read +till she gets through makin' over her carpets. I brought the book home +done up to look like it was a pie, an' I will frankly state, Mrs. +Lathrop, as you could have dropped me dead out of any balloon when I +found out what it was about. It was n't the kind of book the postal card +would have led you to suppose a _tall_--it was about Asia, Mrs. Lathrop, +the far side or the near side, just accordin' to the way you face to get +the light while you read, an' so far from its bein' only intended for +men it's all right for any one at all to read as has got the time. Now +that I'm done it an' know I have n't never got to do it again, I don't +mind telling you in confidence that for a book as could n't possibly +have been meant to be interestin' it was about as agreeable readin' as I +ever struck in my life. There was lots in it as was new to me, for it's +a thick book, an' all I knowed about that part of the world before was +as Java coffee comes from Java an' the Philippines from Spain. But I +know it all now, an' Judge Fitch himself can't tell me nothin' from this +day on that the man who wrote that book ain't told me first. I'll bet I +know more about what that book 's about than any one in this community +does, an' now that I know it I see why the man said what he did on the +postal card for it _is_ a book as every man ought to read, an' I read in +the paper the other day as the main trouble with the men in America was +as they knowed all about what they did n't know nothin' about, an' did +n't know nothin' a _tall_ about the rest." + +"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop. + +"But I don't see how the man that wrote it is ever goin' to make any +money out of it," pursued her friend, "for it's pretty plain as it's +every bit written about things that Americans don't want to really learn +an' what the rest of the world learned long ago. If I was very patriotic +I don't believe I'd have read it clear through to the end myself, but I +ain't never felt any call to be patriotic since the boys throwed that +firecracker into my henhouse last Fourth of July. I will say this for +the hen, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that she took the firecracker a good +deal calmer'n I could, for I was awful mad, an' any one as seed me ought +to of felt what a good American was spoiled then an' there, for all I +asked was to hit somethin', whether it was him as throwed the cracker or +not an' that's what Judge Fitch always calls the real American spirit +when he makes them band-stand speeches of his in the square. Oh my, +though, but I wish you had n't reminded me of that hen, Mrs. Lathrop, +her tail never will come in straight again I don't believe, an' she's +forever hoppin' off her eggs to look out of the window since she had +that scare." + +Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked very sympathetic. + +"But about this book," Susan went on after a second of slightly +saddened reflection. "I'm goin' to tell you all about it. Elijah 's +goin' to write a editorial about it, too. Elijah says this business of +downtreadin' our only colony has got to be stopped short right now as +soon as he can call the government's attention to how to do it. + +"Well, the book begins very mild an' pleasant with Hongkong an' it ends +with the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong ain't Chinese for all it's +named that an' growed there--it's English--an' as for the Philippines +there's eight millions of 'em, not countin' the wild ones as they can't +catch to count an' ask questions. In between Hongkong an' the +Philippines the man who wrote the book runs around that part of the +world pretty lively an' tells who owns it an' what kind of roads they've +got an' who'd better govern 'em an' all like that. You might think from +hearin' me as he sort of put on airs over knowin' so much himself, but +it don't sound that way a _tall_ in the book. It's when he finally got +to the Philippines as any one can see as he really did begin to enjoy +himself. He enjoyed himself so much that he really made me enjoy myself, +too, although I can't in reason deny as I felt as I might not of been +quite so happy only for that firecracker. The kind of things he says +about our doin's in those countries is all what you don't get in the +papers nor no other way, an' if the United States really feels they're +in the right as to how they're actin' all they need to do is to read how +wrong they are in that book where a man as really knows what he's +talkin' about has got it all set down in black an' white. I don't +believe it's generally knowed here in America as Dewey took Aguinaldo +an' his guns over to Manila an' give him his first start at fightin' an' +called him 'general' for a long time after they'd decided in Washington +as how he was n't nothin' but a rebel after all. I never knowed anythin' +about that, an' I will remark as I think there's many others as don't +know it, neither, an' I may in confidence remark to you, Mrs. Lathrop, +as that book leads me to think as the main trouble with the Philippines +is as they are bein' run by folks as don't know anythin' about the place +they're runnin' an' don't know nothin' about runnin' for anythin' but +places. The man in the book says the Philippines ain't very well off +being pacified, an' that the Americans ain't no great success pacifyin' +'em, for it seems as they made five thousand expeditions after 'em in +one year, an' only got hold of five thousand natives in all. That's a +expedition to a man, an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as it's small wonder +we're taxed an' they're taxed, with some of our new fellow citizens as +hard to grab as that. To my order of thinkin' it'd be wisest to let 'em +chase each other for ten or twenty years first an' then when they was +pretty well thinned out we could step in an' settle with the survivors; +but accordin' to the man who wrote the book you can't never tell a +American nothin', an' I must say that my own experience in this +community has proved as he knows what he's sayin' all straight enough. +He says the Philippines is in a very bad way, an' so is their roads, but +he says that all the folks in this country is so dead satisfied with +their way an' poor roads that they ain't goin' to do nothin' to help +either along any." + +"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"He says," continued Susan, "that the United States is just so happy +sittin' back an' observin' the Philippines, an' the Philippines is so +far off that if they die of starvation while being observed no one'll +ever be the wiser. He says the United States is payin' for the army, an' +the Philippines is tryin' to live with it, an' seein' as they don't work +much an' the Chinese is forbidden to work for 'em, he don't see no help +nowhere. What he said about the Chinese was very interestin', for I +never see one close to, an' it seems they're a clean race only for +likin' to raise pigs in their garrets. It seems, too, as if you let 'em +into any country they'll work very hard an' live very cheap an' pay most +of the taxes with the duty on opium as they've got to eat, an' games as +they've got to play." + +"I sh'd think--" said Mrs. Lathrop, looking startled. + +"Well, I should, too," said Susan, "but accordin' to the book the +Philippines ain't to be allowed any such luxury as havin' the Chinese to +develop their country an' pay their taxes. No sir, they've all got to go +to school an' learn English first, an' although he says right out plain +that the Philippines needs Chinese an' good roads a deal worse 'n they +need the army an' the schools, still it's the army an' the schools as +America is going to give them, an' they can get along without the roads +an' the Chinese as best they can. They certainly must be gettin' a good +deal of schoolin', but the man says all the teachers teach is English, +an' as none of the children can speak English they don't get much +learned. I thought I could sort of see that he thought we 'd ought to +of straightened out the South of our own country afore we begun on any +other part of the world, an' it _is_ the other half of the world, too, +Mrs. Lathrop, for I looked it up on a map an' it begins right under +Japan an' then twists off in a direction as makes you wonder how under +the sun we come to own it anyway, an' if we did accidentally get it +hooked on to us by Dewey's having too much steam up to be able to stop +himself afore he'd run over the other fleet, we'd ought anyway to be +willin' to give it away like you do the kittens you ain't got time to +drown. The whole back of the book is full of figures to prove as it's +the truth as has been told in front, but the man who wrote it didn't +think much of even the figures in the Philippines for he says they put +down some of what they spend in Mexican money an' some in American an' +don't tell what they spend the most of it for in either case. He says he +met some very nice men there an' they was workin' the best they knew +how but they did n't think things were goin' well themselves an' it's +plain to be seen that he spoke of 'em just like you give a child a cooky +after a spankin'. What interested me most was there's a Malay country +over there as the English began on twenty-five years ago an' have got +railroaded an' telegraphed an' altogether civilized now, an' we've had +the Philippines ten years an' ain't even got the live ones quieted down +yet." + +"What do you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, earnestly. + +"Oh," said her friend, "I ain't never had no ideas on the Philippine +question since Judge Fitch got his brother made a captain in the war +just because he was tired supportin' him. Mr. Kimball said then as all +wars was just got up to use up the folks as respectable people did n't +want to have around no longer an' I must say as I believe him. Mr. +Weskin told me as it's been quietly knowed around for hundreds of years +as the crusades was a great success as far as gettin' 'em off was +concerned just for that very reason, an' I guess we're hangin' on to the +Philippines because it's a place a good long ways off to send poor +relations after good salaries. The man who wrote the book said a man did +n't need to know hardly anythin' to go there an' I must say from what I +see of the few who have come back they don't look like they spent much +spare time studyin' up while they was in the country." + +Susan stopped knitting suddenly and stuck her needles into the ball. + +"I've got to go home," she said. "I've just remembered as I forgot to +fill the tea-kettle. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we've had a nice talk about our +foreign possessions an' all I can say in the end is as that whole book +made me feel just like we'd all ought to get to feel as quick as we can. +Lots of things in this world might be better only the people that could +change 'em don't often feel inclined that way, an' the people who'd +like to have a change ain't the ones as have got any say. If I was a +Philippine I'd want a Chinaman to do my work an' I'd feel pretty mad +that folks as had so many niggers an' Italians that they did n't need +Chinamen should say I could n't have 'em neither. I'd feel as if I +knowed what was best for me an' I would n't thank a lot of men in +another part of the world for sittin' down on my ideas. However, there's +one thing that comforted me very much in the book. All the countries +around _is_ run, an' pretty well run too, by other countries an' if the +Philippines get too awful tired of being badly run by us all those of +'em as know anythin' can easy paddle across to some of them well run +countries in the front half of the book to live, an' as for the rest--" + +Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was sound asleep! + + + + +CHAPTER X + +THE EVILS OF DELAYED DECEASE + + +"I ain't been doin' my duty by Mrs. Macy lately," said Susan Clegg to +Mrs. Lathrop; "I declare to goodness I've been so did up with the garden +an' Elijah an' house cleanin' this last two weeks that I don't believe +I've even thought of the other side of the crick since I begun. I ain't +seen Mrs. Macy either an' maybe that's one reason why I ain't done +nothin' about her, but it ain't surprisin' as I ain't seen her for she +ain't been here--she's been over in Meadville stayin' with the Lupeys, +an' I must say I'm right put out with Elijah for not puttin' it in the +paper so I'd of knowed it afore. The idea of Mrs. Macy bein' in +Meadville for over a week an' me not hearin' of it is a thing as makes +me feel as maybe when Gabriel blows his horn I'll just merely sit up an' +say, 'Did you call?' But anyway she's been away an' she's got back, an' +when I heard it in the square to-day I did n't mince up no matters none +but I just set my legs in her direction an' walked out there as fast as +I could. It does beat all how many changes can come about in two +weeks!--four more pickets has been knocked off the minister's fence an' +most every one has hatched out their chickens since I was that way last, +but I was n't out picketin' or chickenin'; I was out after Mrs. Macy an' +I just kept a-goin' till I got to her." + +"Was she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, she was," replied Susan, "an' thank the most kind an' merciful +Heavens, there was n't no one else there, so she an' I could just sit +down together, an' it was n't nothin' but joy for her to tell me hide +an' hair an' inside out of her whole visit. She got back day before +yesterday an' she had n't even unpacked her trunk yet she was that wore +out; you can judge from that how wore out she really is, for you know +yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as when Mrs. Macy is too wore out to dive head +over heels into things, whether her own or other folks', she's been +pretty well beat down to the ground. She was mighty glad to see me, +though, even if she did n't come to the door, but only hollered from a +chair, an' I don't know as I ever had a nicer call on her, for she went +over everythin' inside out an' hind side before, an' it was nothin' but +a joy for me to listen, for it seems she had a pretty sad visit first +an' last what with being specially invited to sit up an' watch nights +with Mrs. Kitts an' then stay to the funeral--" + +"Funeral!" cried Mrs. Lathrop,--"I nev--" + +"For after bein' specially invited to help lay her out an' go to the +funeral," Susan repeated calmly, "Mrs. Kitts did n't die a _tall_." + +"Oh!" said Mrs. Lathrop, terminating the whole of a remark, for once. + +"No," said Susan, "an' every one else feels the same as you do about it, +too, but it seems as it was n't to be this time. Mrs. Macy says as she +never went through nothin' to equal these ten days dead or alive, an' +she hopes so help her heaven to never sit up with anybody as has got +anythin' but heart disease or the third fit of apoplexy hereafter. Why, +she says Mr. Dill's eleven months with Mrs. Dill flat on her back was a +child playin' with a cat an' a string in comparison to what the Lupeys +an' her have been goin' through with Mrs. Kitts these ten days. She says +all Meadville is witness to the way she's skinned 'em down to the bone. +Mrs. Dill was give up by a doctor like a Christian, an' after the eleven +months she _did_ die, but Mrs. Kitts has been give up over an' over by +doctor after doctor till there ain't one in the whole place as ain't mad +at her about it; an' there she is livin' yet! Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey +is so wore out she can't talk of nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey feels very +bitter over it; she says it's all of six years now since they turned the +X-rays through her (an' Mrs. Macy says as Mrs. Lupey says she could sit +right down an' cry to think how much them X-rays cost an' how little +good they done), an' she says it's three years come April Fool's since +old Dr. Carter tried her lungs with his new kinetoscope an' found 'em +full of air an' nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey says she's always had so much +faith in old Dr. Carter an' she had faith in him then, an' was so sweet +an' trustin' when he come with the machine, an' after he was done she +fully believed his word of honor as to everythin', an' that was why they +went an' bought her that bell an' oh heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I only +wish you _could_ hear Mrs. Macy on Mrs. Kitts' bell! It seems that kind +of bell is a new invention an' as soon as any one is give up for good +the doctor as gives 'em up sends a postal to the man as keeps 'em, an' +then the man sends it for three days on trial an' then the family buy +it, because it lets 'em all sleep easy. Well, Mrs. Macy says it's the +quietest lookin' small thing you ever see, but she says Great Scott, +Holy Moses, an' ginger tea, the way it works! You only need to put your +hand on it an' just stir it an' it unhooks inside like one of them new +patent mouse traps as catch you ten times to every once they catch a +mouse, an' then it begins to ring like a fire alarm an' bang like the +Fourth of July, an' it don't never stop itself again until some one as +is perfectly healthy comes tearin' barefoot from somewhere to turn it +over an' hook it up an' get Mrs. Kitts whatever she wants." + +"I should--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I guess they would, too," said Susan; "I guess they'd be only too glad +to. Why, Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as it was all they could do to +live in the house with her mother when she did n't have nothin' but a +stick to pound on the floor with, but she says since she's got that +bell--! Well! Mrs. Macy says as they're all four worn into just +frazzles with it, an' Judy is got so nervous with it going off sudden +when Busby an' she is thinkin' about other things that she begins +twitchin' the minute the bell begins ringin' an' they've had to hire a +electric battery to soothe her with while Faith an' Maria is racin' for +the bell. Mrs. Macy says it's somethin' just awful first, last, an' +forever, an' Mrs. Lupey told her in confidence as it was Heaven's own +truth as they had n't none of them woke of their own accords once since +it was bought." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, Mrs. Macy says she's a pretty good judge of sick folks an' she +judged Mrs. Kitts for all she was worth, an' she could n't feel as she +ought in politeness to say anythin' 'cause the Lupeys sent her the +round-trip ticket to go an' come back with. But she says just between +her an' me an' not to let it go any further, that to _her_ order of +thinkin' (an' she'll take her Bible oath to it anywhere) Mrs. Kitts +looks like one of those oldest survivor kinds as they print in the city +Sunday papers every week. She says she ain't got the quiet, give-up +manner of a person as is really quiet an' really givin' up--she's got +the spry air of a person as likes to keep the whole family jumpin' quick +whenever they speak. She says Mrs. Lupey says as she really does get +awful low just often enough to keep their courage up, but Mrs. Macy says +Mrs. Lupey is easy fooled because them's the sort as outlives all their +families in the end always. But seems as her gettin' low an' then +raisin' up again ain't the only tough part for it seems as she was so +low last fall that they really felt safe to send Maria up to the city to +buy their mournin' at a bargain sale for there's four of 'em an' they +want the veils thick so they'll look sorry from the outside anyhow. And +Maria did go, an'-- Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I will say as to hear about it +all does go through one even if it ain't my personal crape! Seems as the +clerk asked Maria if it was for a deep family mournin' or just a light +friendly mournin', an' Maria told him it was _goin'_ to be for her +grandmother. Seems he was n't very polite about it, coughed a good deal +behind his hand an' such doin's, until Maria got real vexed an' so mad +over thinkin' as maybe it was n't all coughin' as he was keepin' his +hand over that she lost her wits an' went to work an' bought most twice +the crape she needed just to show him as she was n't tryin' to save +nothin' on her grandmother, whatever _he_ might think. So now Mrs. Macy +says, added to Mrs. Kitts an' the bell they've got the care of all that +crape on their hands, an' the damp gathers in it just awful on rainy +days, an' of course no Christian can sun twenty yards of crape on their +clothesline when the dead person ain't died yet, so they're wild over +that, too. They've made their skirts themselves, an' they wanted to do +their waists, only what with the way sleeves is puffin' out an' slimmin' +up an' fronts is first hangin' over an' then hookin' down, the back it +just does seem out of the question. They've worried a lot over the veils +since they was bought 'cause they wanted to get into 'em last winter so +as to get out of 'em by last spring, an' then even when Mrs. Kitts +rallied from her Christmas dinner, they thought maybe they could still +be out of 'em by the Fourth of July; but now--Heavens! Mrs. Macy says +they don't ask to get out of 'em any more; all they ask is to get _into_ +'em, an' goodness knows when that is _ever_ goin' to happen. She says +Mrs. Lupey says what with Judy's divorce an' Mrs. Kitts livin' right +along she's going to get moths into her things for the first time in her +life, she just knows she is. It's a pretty hard case any one can see, +an' of course seein' Mrs. Kitts live like that may get Busby Bell all +out of the notion of marryin' Judy, for of course no man ain't goin' to +like to look forward to Mrs. Lupey's livin' like that too, maybe--or +maybe Judy 'll live herself--you never can tell. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. +Lupey says she never guessed as sorrow could come so near to breakin' +your back as losin' a grandmother is breakin' theirs. She says when +she's really lost it won't be so bad 'cause they can all put on their +crape veils an' go straight to bed an' to sleep, but she says this long +drawn out losin' of her with that bell throwed into the bargain is +somethin' calculated to make a saint out of a Chinaman, an' nothin' more +nor less." + +"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I tell you, they _can't_," said Susan; "they want to bad enough, but +they can't do it. Mrs. Kitts is too smart for that. She keeps her eagle +eye on it awake, an' her whole hand on the little string when she's +asleep, an' drums 'em up to know if the clock is really right, or if she +feels anyways disposed to smell of cologne. Some nights she rolls on the +string in her sleep, an' then the bell wakes her along with the rest of +'em, which Mrs. Macy says is a-doin' more aggravatin' to the Lupeys +than any words can do justice to. Mrs. Macy says as she really does +believe that if Mrs. Kitts took a fancy to oysters in August she'd be +fully equal to ringin' that bell for 'em till September came an' they +could get 'em for her. She says it would be just like her, she does +declare. Mrs. Macy says she sit with Mrs. Kitts considerable an' Mrs. +Kitts was very pleasant to her, an' give her two pair of black lace +mitts an' a pin, but she found out afterwards as the mitts was Mrs. +Lupey's an' the pin was Maria's, so after that she see just how the +family felt about her an' her ways. Mrs. Macy says the whole thing is a +tragedy right out of Shakespeare an' the only pleasant thing about her +whole visit was as it did n't cost her nothin'." + +"Did she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about that. She see him four times. I +don't know as she wants it generally known, but I wanted to know about +it so I got it out of her. It does beat all, Mrs. Lathrop, how a woman +of Mrs. Macy's sense, with a income that's only a little too small to +get along on, can want to marry any man again. But she seems kind of +crazy on the idea, an' if it ain't Mr. Dill, it's goin' to be Dr. +Carter, or bu'st, with her. She says she went to his office just to let +him know she was in Meadville, an' then she see him on the street, an' +then she went to his office again to ask him his real opinion of Mrs. +Kitts, an' then just before she left she went to his office again to let +him know as she was goin' to come back here. So she see him four times +in all." + +"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, he told her as he would n't be surprised if any of 'em died any +day. That is, any of 'em except Mrs. Kitts. He did n't seem to think as +Mrs. Kitts would ever die." + +"What do--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, I saw there was nothin' else as Mrs. Macy could talk about just now +so I come home an' then I come over here. I declare though, Mrs. +Lathrop, I can't help bein' a little blue to-night. Of course I ain't +any real relation to you, but we've been neighbors so long that I can't +help feelin' a little bit uneasy over thinkin' of Mrs. Kitts an' +wonderin' how long you may be goin' to live in the end." + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY + + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Susan Clegg one pleasant May evening, as she +and her devoted listener leaned their elbows on the top rail of the +fence, "I can't but thank Heaven as these boards is the only thing as +you ever take opposite sides from me on. I don't say as your never +disagreein' ain't sometimes wearin', but there _are_ days as I feel I'd +enjoy a little discussion an' then Elijah an' I discuss on those days +till it seems like I can't live to get to you an' do it all alone by +myself. Elijah's a very young man but he's a man after all an' there's +somethin' about a man as makes him not able to see any side of anythin' +except his own side. Now it don't make any difference what we talk +about I _always_ take the other side, an' I will in confidence remark as +the South fightin' Grant had a easy job compared to me tryin' to get +Elijah to see any side but his own. Elijah's a very pig-headed young man +an' I declare I don't know I'm sure what ailed him last night--seemed as +if he was up a tree about somethin' as made him just wild over the +Democratic party. I must say--an' I said it to his face, too--as to my +order of thinkin' takin' sides about the Democrats nowadays is like +takin' sides with Pharaoh after the Red Sea had swallowed him an' all +his chariots up forever, but Elijah never gives up to no man, an' he +said, not so, the Democrats was still ready to be the salvation of the +country if only Bryan would give 'em a chance. He says they 've been +handicapped so far an' it's very tryin' for any party to have to choose +between a donkey an' a tiger for its picture of itself, for no sensible +person likes to have to ride on either, an' no politics could _ever_ +make a success of a donkey for a mascot, whether you judge him from his +ears or his heels. I had it in my mind to say somethin' then about +turnin' around an' takin' a fresh start with a fresh animal as a +sensible person would find it nothin' but a joy to ride, but Elijah, +like all newspapers, rips a thing up the back an' then shows you how you +can't do better than to sew up the tear an' go on wearin' it again, so +after he'd skinned the donkey an' the tiger both alive, so to speak, he +went on to say as never's a long game an' him laughs best who keeps +sober longest an' altogether his own feelin' was as America 'll soon +perceive her only hope lays in electin' a new Democratic party. I just +broke in then an' told him it looked to me as if the natural run of +mankind would n't let Grover Cleveland skip eight years an' then try it +again more 'n six times more, an' that if the Republicans keep it up as +they have awhile longer no money won't be able to get 'em out 'cause +they'll have all the money there is in the country right in with them, +but by that time Elijah'd got his breath, an' he just shook his head an' +asked me if I remembered what a lot of fuss the first billion dollar +congress made an' if I'd observed how calm they was took now? I told him +I had an' then we went at it hammer an' tongs, Elijah for the Democrats +an' me against 'em, although I must say I wished he'd give me the other +side, for in spite of their actin' so silly I must say I always have a +feelin' as the most of the Democrats is tryin' to be honest which is +somethin' as even their best friend couldn't say of the most of the +Republicans as a general thing." + +"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, I did, an' I don't know but we'd be talkin' yet only Mr. Dill come +in on us to ask me if I would n't consider takin' Gran'ma Mullins to +board for a month or two, just to see how Hiram an' Lucy would get along +if they had the house all alone to themselves." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I told him I'd think about it," said Miss Clegg. "I don't know +I'm sure why I should bed an' board Gran'ma Mullins to help Lucy an' +Hiram to try to get along any better. They 're a good deal more +interestin' to talk about the way they're gettin' along now. I never see +Mrs. Macy but what she has somethin' amusin' to tell me about Hiram an' +Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins, an' I like to hear it. She says the other +night they was all three runnin' round the house one after another for a +hour an' she said she most died laughin' to watch 'em. Seems Lucy got +mad an' started to run after Hiram to pull his hair, an' Gran'ma Mullins +was so scared for fear she _would_ pull his hair that she run after Lucy +to ask her not to do it. Hiram run so much faster than Lucy that finally +he caught up with Gran'ma Mullins an' then they all went to bed. Mrs. +Macy says that's the way they act all the time, an' she certainly would +n't see any more than I should why I should break up the family. I'm +sure I never cooked up that marriage an' I told Mr. Dill so. I asked him +why he did n't take Gran'ma Mullins to board with him, if he was so wild +to get her away from Lucy, but he said he did n't think it'd be proper, +an' I said I did n't say nothin' about _bed_--I just spoke about board, +an' if there was anythin' as was n't proper about boardin' Gran'ma +Mullins he'd ought not to of mentioned the subject to me." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, there was n't nothin' left for him to say then, of course; but law! +I did n't see no use mooley-cowin' around Mr. Dill; what I wanted was +for him to go so Elijah an' me could go on discussin'. Elijah thinks our +paper ought to come out strong now that we've got one an' he said he +would in confidence remark to me as he intended to say some very pointed +things soon. He says all the editors in the country know as the plans +an' the parties is all fixed up beforehand nowadays; the Republicans +say how many they'll have in each state an' then they never fail to have +'em an' that's a national disgrace for nobody ought to know beforehand +how a election is goin' to pan out for it would n't be possible if folks +was anyways honest. He says for a carefully planned an' worked up thing +a Republican victory is about the tamest surprise as this country ever +gets nowadays, an' yet we keep on gettin' them an' openin' our eyes over +'em every four years like they was somethin' new. + +"I bu'st in then an' said as there was sure to come a change afore long +with prices goin' up like they is an' a reaction bound to drop in the +end. Elijah laughed then an' said he knowed well enough as when the +deluge come the Republicans would grab the Democrats an' hold 'em just +like that rich man who grabbed the clerk an' held him in front of him, +when they throwed that bomb at him in his office." + +"At the--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, opening her eyes. + +"Yes, the bomb was meant for him, but he held the clerk in front of him +so the clerk caught it all. That's what they call presence of mind, an' +as far as my observation 's extended, Mrs. Lathrop, the Republicans have +got full as much of it--they must have, for they both make money right +straight along an' I've observed myself as they always step out when a +crash comes an' let the Democrats in to do the economizin' till there's +enough money saved up to make it worth while for them to take hold again +which comes to much the same thing in the end. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, +I see after a little as it was n't no use talkin' to Elijah so I just +had to listen to him an' he really did kind of frighten me in the end. +Livin' with an editor an' readin' that book of Mr. Fisher's has opened +my eyes to a many new ideas. I've lived in a small town all my life but +I've got brains an' there's no use denyin' as a woman with brains can +apply 'em to the president just as easy as to the minister, once she +gets to thinkin' on the subject. This country is in a very bad way an' +it's all owin' to our bein' satisfied with what's told us an' not +lookin' into nothin' for ourselves. We've got the Philippines now an' +we've got Hawaii an' we've got the niggers an' we've got ever so many +other things. We've got the Mormons down to one wife as a general thing +an' the Italians comin' in by the thousands an' more old soldiers bein' +born every year an' the fifth generation of Revolutionary orphans out +filin' their pensions--an' we owe 'em all to the Republicans. Elijah +says we owe 'em a lot else, too, but I think that's enough in all +conscience. Elijah says too it costs a third more to live than it did +ten years ago an' he knows that for a fact, an' you an' I know that, +too, Mrs. Lathrop. Coal's gone up an' everythin' else. I tell you I got +kind of blue, thinkin' about it after I went to bed last night an' it +took me a long time to remember as Elijah was maybe more upset over not +bein' able to go an' see 'Liza Em'ly on account of the rain, than +anythin' else; but then too, Mr. Shores is very much cast down over the +country, only I must admit as it's more 'n likely as he ain't really +half as mournful over the Democrats as he is over his wife; an' then +there's Judge Fitch as is always mad over politics an' we all know that +that's just 'cause he's always been called 'judge' ever since he was +born, an' nobody ain't never made him judge of nothin' bigger 'n us yet. +I guess if he was sure as our paper could get him elected to congress +he'd cheer up pretty quick, but he told me yesterday as Elijah did n't +know how to conduct a campaign to his order of thinkin'. He don't like +that cut of Elijah's being David to the city papers bein' Goliath. He +says a cut to do him any good had ought to have him in it somewhere an' +I don't know but what he's right. + +"But, Mrs. Lathrop, we are mighty bad off an' that's a fact, but still I +will say this much an' that is that as far as my observation 's +extended folks as complains openly of anythin' is always findin' fault +with the thing because there's some secret thing as they can't find +fault openly with, like Elijah an' the rain, an' Mr. Shores an' his +wife. The world's great for takin' its private miseries out publicly in +some other direction, an' my own feelin' is as the Democrats is a great +comfort to every one as the Republicans can't very conveniently give +nothin' to these days. If the president was to suddenly make Sam Duruy a +minister to somewhere there'd be a great change of opinion as to +politics in this town, you'd see. It would n't give Sam any more brains, +but every one 'd be pleased an' the Democrats would n't cut no figure no +more." + +"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"That's just it," said Susan, "that's just the trouble. We're like most +of the rest of America an' the whole of Cuba an' the Philippines, too +little an' too far off to make the big folks really care whether we +like the way they do or not. I don't have no idea of carin' whether +potato bugs mind bein' picked or not, an' no matter what they said about +me before or after their pickin' it 'd be all one to me. An' that's just +about the way our government feels about us. An' I guess most other +governments is much the same. Which is probably the reason why potato +bugs is gettin' worse an' thicker all the time." + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY + + +As Susan set the basket down it began to squawk. + +"I don't care," she said, "let it squawk!" + +"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in whose kitchen Susan had set the +basket down and in whose kitchen chair Susan was now sitting herself +down. + +"Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I guess it's made trouble enough for +others so that I may in all confidence feel to set a little while +without troublin' about it myself. I look upon it that I was very kind +to take it anyhow, not havin' no idea how it'll agree with the chickens +when it comes to eatin' with them or with me when it comes to me eatin' +it, for you know as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs. Lathrop, but +still a friend is a friend, an' in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the least +her friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins to stay with her an' for me +to take the duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit up with a +under-the-weather neighbor, but she said she could _not_ take a duck on +her mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for I will in confidence +remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as you only need to be in the room with that duck +two minutes to see as the Prodigal Son was fully an' freely whipped in +comparison to the way as he's been dealt with." + +"I really--" protested Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I don't know but it _will_ be savin' of breath in the end," said +Miss Clegg, and thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking basket, +bore it into the next room, and coming out, shut the connecting door +firmly behind her. + +"Where under the--" began Mrs. Lathrop. + +"It's really quite a long story," returned her friend; "but I come in +just to tell you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an' it begun when she +went in town yesterday mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an' I +will say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials right along one after +another I never hear of an' to see her sittin' there now in her carpet +slippers with a capsicum plaster to her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin' +her tea every minute she ain't makin' her toast is enough to make any +one as is as soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any duck whether it's +spoiled or not. An' so I took this duck." + +"Well, I--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop. + +"You think not now," said Susan, "but you soon will when I tell you, for +as I said before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm goin' to begin +right off. It's a long story an' one as 'll take time to tell, but you +know me an' you know as I always take time to tell you everythin' so you +can rely on gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this; an' you'll get it +fresh from the spout too, for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an' Mrs. +Macy's so fresh from her trials that they was still holdin' the plaster +on to her when I left." + +"But--" expostulated the listener. + +"Well, now this is how it was," said Miss Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'way +back in the beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for it's very +needful to have it straight so as to understand just why she is so nigh +to half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as gets mad easy, an' so it's well +for us as has got to live in the same town with her to well an' clearly +learn just how much it takes to use her up. + +"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go to +town to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was goin' to take lunch with +Busby Bell's cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at the Lupeys' in +Meadville, 'cause they only live three-quarters of an hour from town on +two changes of the electric, an' Mrs. Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any time +she or her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd be nothin' but happy +to have 'em drop in on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' her +husband's sister, too, so company was n't no work for her herself. Well, +Mrs. Macy was goin' to the city an' so she looked up the address an' +made up her mind to go there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address on +one side of the piece of paper as she had in her black bag an' she wrote +her shoes on the other side, for she says they're a new kind of shoes as +is warranted not to pinch you in the back, by every magazine an' +newspaper--an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on bein' pinched; why, she +says she give up belts an' took to carpet slippers just for the very +reason as she could _not_ stand bein' pinched nowhere. + +"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how any +one could remember 'em off of paper _she_ can't see anyhow, an' Luther +Stott's wife lives 2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an' that was very +important too, for there's seven other Eleventh Avenues in the city +besides eight Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part of the city is +laid out that way so as to make it simple to them as knows where they +live anyhow. + +"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her bonnet as happy as any one looks to +be afore they know they're goin' to be the first to have a new invention +tried on 'em an' then she locked up her house an' set off. She says she +never was great on new inventions for she's lived under a lightnin' rod +for pretty near forty years an' never come anywhere nigh to be struck +once yet, but she says she has now learned to her sorrow as bein' fooled +by a lightnin' rod man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein' fooled by +a minister for forty years ahead, for she says she'll lose her guess if +this last foolin' don't last forty years or even longer if she lives +that long, an' make her wear her felt slippers all the forty years too. + +"Well, she says of course you might know as it would be the minister as +done her up first on this day of misery, an' it _was_ the minister! She +says after that donation party to fix him out with new shirts last week +she surely looked to be spared any further inflictions from him for one +while; she says the idea as the congregation is expected to shirt the +minister was surely most new to her, an' she was dead set against it at +first, but she says she come to the fore an' was one to help make him +the six when she see as it was expected to be her duty as a Christian, +but she says she surely hoped when she hemmed the tail of the last one +as she'd seen the last of him for a good breathin' spell. + +"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't to be, an' so she learned to her +keen an' pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she was n't more 'n +fairly on her way to town when she run square up to him on the bridge +an' as a result was just in time to be the first for him to try his new +memory system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins an' me with tears in her +eyes an' her felt slippers solemnly crossed on top of each other, as +she can not see why it had to be her of all people an' her shoes of all +things, for she says--an' I certainly felt to agree, Mrs. Lathrop--as if +there's anythin' on the wide earth as you _don't_ want to apply a memory +system to it's your shoes, for shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new memory system of the minister's +is a thing as he got out of a Sunday School magazine in reward for +workin' out a puzzle. Seems you guess big cities till their capital +letters spell 'Memory,' an' then you send the answers to the magazine +an' a dollar for postage an' packin' an' then they send you the memory +system complete in one book for nothin' a _tall_. Or you can add in a +two-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but the minister guessed 'cause he +felt as in his circumstances he had n't ought to waste even two cents! +Seems as they had a most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti for the +'Y,' an' for a while they was most afraid they'd have to be reckless +with two cents, but they got it in the end an' sent 'em all off, an' the +book come back with a injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no one +stamped on every page. Seems it come back day before yesterday an' the +minister sat up most of the night commemoratin' the theory, an' then +Mrs. Macy says he just got it into him in time for Fate to let him go +an' be flung at her right on the bridge! She says she was n't no more +mistrustin' trouble than any one does when they meet a loose minister +out walkin' an' she says she can't well see how any woman meetin' a man +across a bridge can be blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped a new +principle an' is dyin' to apply it to the first thing handy. + +"She says he asked her where she was goin' an' she told him frank an' +open as she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes as was warranted not +to pinch. She says he asked her what kind of shoes they was an' she +opened her little bag an' got out the paper an' read him as they was +Kulosis shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote down an' she told him +as she had it wrote down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe get +pinched again. + +"Well, she says she was standin' sideways an' was n't watchin' +particular, so she was n't in no state to suspect nothin' when he told +her as she could easy throw that piece of paper away an' go to town +without it. She says she told him as she knowed that she could easy +throw the piece of paper away an' go to town without it, but how was she +to remember her shoes which was the reason why she was takin' the piece +of paper along with her? Then she says as he said as he'd show her how +to remember her shoes an' welcome an' she says as she thought as long as +it was welcome she might as well stand still, so she did. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but +the first thing he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded her of, +which struck her as most strange in the start out. But she told him as +it did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an' let it go at that, an' +she says it was plain as then he had to think of somethin' as it _could_ +remind somebody of, an' she says he certainly did have to think a long +while an' when he said finally as it reminded _him_ of four noses. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she never heard the beat of that in +all her born days, an' her mind went back to her childhood days an' a +uncle she had, an' the Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'd +surely been drinkin'; she says she was so took aback that he see it in +her face an' told her right then an' there as it was a memory system. +Seems as the key to the whole is as you must reduce everythin' to Mother +Goose so as not to need the brains as you've growed since, an' the +minister told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple to apply. He went +on to ask her what did four noses remind her of, an' she says she +thought she see the whole game at that an' told him as quick as scat +that they reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my, seems that ain't the way +it goes a _tall_, an' he begin an' explained it all over again, an' +where he come out in the end was as four noses would just naturally +remind any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy of 'Two legs sat upon +three legs.' You know the rhyme in Mother Goose where the dog is four +legs an' gets the mutton as is one leg in the man's lap? + +[Illustration: "'Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at _that_.'" +_Page_ 179.] + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe understand as Mrs. Macy was just +about plum paralyzed at _that_! Her story is as she just stood afore him +with her mouth open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin' what under the +sun she was goin' to be asked to remember next, an' when he said that +was all, an' for her just to simply tear up the paper, she forgot all +about Luther Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the paper. He said for +her to go right along to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two legs sat +upon three legs' to get her her shoes, an' she says what with bein' so +dumbfoundered, an' what with him bein' the minister into the bargain, +she went along to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be able to do it. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could hear Mrs. Macy for that ain't +nothin' but the beginnin', whatever you may think, an' the rest gets +awfuller an' awfuller! + +"In the first place talkin' so long for the minister made her have to +run for the train, an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on a run. She said +she got so hot, as she was not only on a run but mostly on a pour all +the way to town. Why, she says it was most terrible an' she says nothin' +ever give her such a idea as she was a born fool afore, for with it all +she had to keep on sayin' 'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as a +clock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget it that she did n't dare even +take her usual little nap on the way an' so had no choice but to land +all wore out. + +"Well, as soon as she was landed she remembered about Luther Stott's +wife bein' on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently tore up +along with her shoes, an' she says the start she got over rememberin' +havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove what 'Two legs sat upon three +legs' was to remind her of clean out of her head, not to speak of havin' +long since lost track of the way to get any connection between that an' +her shoes. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd of been there to hear! She says +nobody ever did afore! She says she went up one street an' down another +like a lost soul, lookin' for a policeman. She says she felt she did n't +know where to find nothin'. She could n't look for Luther in the +directory 'cause he's long dead an' only his wife lives there, an' as +for her shoes she was clean beside herself. She says she was so mad at +the minister as she'd have throwed away her baptism an' her marriage +then an' there just because it was ministers as done 'em both to her, +if there'd been anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just put her pride +into her pocket, went into a shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Two +legs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of anythin' in the way of shoes. +She says the man looked at her in a way as passed all belief an' said it +reminded him more of pants than shoes. + +"Well, she says she went out into the street at that an' her heart was +too low for any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she was wanderin' +along who should she meet but Drusilla Cobb? + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla Cobb! You know what she was afore +she left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't altered her a _tall_. +Whenever Drusilla was glad to see any one she always had a reason, an' +Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how clean used up she was over her +shoes that she never remembered that way of Drusilla's. Drusilla never +saw no one on the street unless she had a reason, an' if she had a +reason it was Heaven help them as Drusilla saw on the street. + +"So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked her right home to lunch with her, +an' Mrs. Macy very gladly went. She says no words can tell how lively +an' pleasant Drusilla was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all the +way home. She says Drusilla has a very nice home an' a thin husband an' +three very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the only fat one in the +family." + +Susan paused and drew a long breath. + +Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new position. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the duck comes in. The duck was +Drusilla's reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs. Macy says if any one +had told her as she was to go to town for shoes an' bring back a duck, +or be did in one day first by the minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb, +she'd take her Bible oath as whoever said it was lyin', but so it was." + +"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes," said Miss Clegg, "it's the same one. An' this is its why as told +by Mrs. Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me." She paused and drew a still +longer breath. "Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband had got a +friend as goes huntin' with a doctor. Seems he found four little +red-headed things in a nest of reeds an' took one an' asked the doctor +what it was. Seems the doctor said as he thought as it was a +golden-headed oriole but the friend thought as it was a mud hen. So he +give it to Drusilla's youngest boy to raise in a flat for his birthday. +Well, Mrs. Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely most new to the +animal as very soon turned out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all the +black spots in the carpets for bugs an' when they put it in the bath-tub +to swim it would n't swim but just kept diving for the hole in the +bottom. Seems they had a most lively time with it an' it run after 'em +everywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons an' squawked nights, an' +when Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right off as she could give her +the duck to take home with her 'cause she lived in the country. So that +was how Mrs. Macy come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's so +dreadful pleasant. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as she no more mistrusted what +travelin' with a duck is than anythin', so although she could n't say as +she really relishes any duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it could +swim in the crick, an' maybe grow to be a comfort, so she let them put +it in a basket, an' give her a envelope of dead flies for it to lunch +on, an' she set off for home. She had to wait a long time for a car an' +the duck was so restless it eat eight flies an' bit her twice waitin', +but finally the car come along an' she an' the duck got on. Well, Mrs. +Lathrop, she says you never hear nothin' like that duck when it felt +itself on a electric car! The conductor heard it an' come runnin' an' +stopped the car an' put 'em both off afore she realized as she was +gettin' off for her duck instead of her depot. + +"So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high an' dry in a strange part of the +city alone with a duck out of the goodness of her heart. You can maybe +believe as she was very far from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb when +she realized as she couldn't take no car with no duck an' didn't know +Drusilla's number to take her back her duck, neither. Mrs. Macy says as +she felt herself slowly growin' mad an' she went into a store near by +an' asked 'em if they had a telephone. They said they had, an' she says +she never will know what possessed her but she just looked that +telephone square in the eye an' told it to get her the president of the +car company without a second's delay. She says it was astonishin' how +quick it got her somebody an' as soon as they'd each said 'Hello' polite +enough, she just up an' asked him to please tell her the difference +between a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says he did n't say nothin' +for a minute an' then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble manner, an' +she asked him it right over again. Then she said he was more nervous an' +made very queer noises an' finally asked her what in Noah's ark she +wanted to know for. She says she could n't but think that very ill-bred, +considerin' her age, but she was in a situation where she had to +overlook anythin', so she told him as she knowed an' he knowed, too, as +any one could take a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an' never know what +it was to be put off for nothin'. She said he shook the wire a little +more an' then asked her if she was meanin' to lead him to infer that she +had been injected from a car with a duck. She says his tone was so +disrespectful that she felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told him +so far from bein' injected she'd been put out an' off a car an' she had +the duck right with her to prove it. He told her as he would advise her +to try to do the duck up in a derby hat an' smuggle him through that +way, an' then without a word more he hung up. + +"Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about never was so mad afore. She says +when she turned around all the men in the store was laughin' an' that +made her madder yet, but there was one on 'em as said he felt for her +'cause he owned a pair of ducks himself, an' he went in the back of the +store an' found a old hat-box as was pretty large an' he went to work +an' took the duck out of the basket an' put him into the box an' give +Mrs. Macy 'em both to carry an' put her on another car an' she set off +again. + +"Well, that time she got to the depot all safe, an' if there was n't old +Dr. Carter from Meadville an' it goes without sayin' as old Dr. Carter +from Meadville could drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's head, so +she an' he set out to be real happy to the Junction, an' the first thing +he asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new bonnet in town an' she +laughed an' give the box a little heave an' the bottom come out an' the +duck flew down the car. + +[Illustration: "'The bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car.'" +_Page_ 188.] + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe guess as that was most tryin' both to +Mrs. Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an' was both wedged in +one seat expectin' to enjoy all they could of each other to the +Junction. Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge himself an' catchin' the +duck was a most awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off just about +as soon as it was done. Well, Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duck +seems to make every one feel as free as air, an' a man come right off +an' sat with her right off an' asked her right off whether it was a duck +or a drake. Why, she says she never did--not in all her life--an' he +told her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider an' givin' it to the +duck an' if he took it it was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck. +He asked her if it was n't so an' she said she could n't deny it, an' +then he went back to his own seat an' she rode the rest of the way +tryin' to figure on where the hitch was in what he said, for she says as +she certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet you can't deny that it's +all straight about the spider an' the he and the she. + +"Well, so she got home an' went right up to her house, put the duck in +the rat trap, an' went over to ask the minister about her shoes, an' +what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think! The minister had +clean forgot himself! He was sittin' there on his piazza advisin' Mrs. +Brown to make her pound-cake by sayin' 'One, two, three, Mother caught a +flea,' the flea bein' the butter, an' Mrs. Macy says it was plain to be +seen as he was n't a bit pleased at her comin' in that way to have his +memory system applied to her backward. + +"She says after that she went home to the duck madder 'n ever an' put on +her felt slippers an' made up her mind as she'd make up for her lost day +by rippin' up her old carpets, an' that was the crownin' pyramid in her +Egyptian darkness, for it's the carpet as has ended her." + +"Oh--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, she's alive," said Susan, "but she ain't much more 'n alive, an' +it's a wonder that she's that, an' it would be very bad for her if she +was n't, for young Dr. Brown says she can die fifty times before he'll +ever go near her again. He's awful mad an' he's got a bad bump on his +nose too where he fell over her, an' Mrs. Sweet's got to stay in bed +three days too for her arm where she dislocated it jerkin'--although +goodness knows what she tried jerkin' for--for I'd as soon think of +tryin' to jerk a elephant from under a whale as to try to jerk Mrs. Macy +from under a carpet. An' even with it all they could n't get her up an' +had to get the blacksmith's crowbar an' pry, an' Mrs. Sweet says if any +one doubts as pryin' is painful they'd ought to of been there to hear +Mrs. Macy an' see Hiram an' the blacksmith." + +"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I'm goin' to tell you if you'll just keep still a little longer an' let +me get through to the end," said her friend. "I got this part all back +an' forth an' upside down from Mrs. Sweet while I was takin' her home by +the other arm. Oh, my, but it's awful about her, for she was preservin' +an' wanted a extra cullender an' lost her right arm in consequence. I +hope her experience 'll be a lesson to you, Mrs. Lathrop, for it's been +such a lesson to me that I may mention right here an' now 't if I ever +hear you hollerin' I shall put for the opposite direction as quick as I +can for I would n't never take no chances at gettin' dislocated like +Mrs. Sweet is--not if I knew it. Young Dr. Brown says she's decapitated +the angular connection between her collar bone an' somewhere else, an' +she says she can well believe it judgin' from the way her ear keeps +shootin' into her wrist an' back again." + +"But--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know how Mrs. Macy always was forever given to +economizin'. I don't say as economizin' is any sin, but I will say as +Mrs. Macy's ways of economizin' is sometimes most singular an' to-day's +a example of that. Economy's all right as long as you economize out of +yourself, but when it takes in Mrs. Sweet an' bumps young Dr. Brown I've +no patience--no more 'n Mrs. Sweet an' young Dr. Brown has. Young Dr. +Brown says it looks awful to have a black eye an' no reason for it +except fallin' over a carpet. He says when he explains as Mrs. Macy was +under the carpet no one is goin' to think it any thin' but funny, an' he +says a doctor must n't be hurt funny ways. Mrs. Sweet don't feel to +blame herself none for her arm 'cause she jerked like she does +everythin' else, with her whole heart, an' she says she did so want to +set her up that she tried harder an' harder every jerk. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to go 'way back to the beginnin', seems as Mrs. +Macy set out last night, as I said before, to make over her carpet. +Seems as she wanted to turn it all around so's it'd fade away under the +stove an' fray out in the corner where it don't show. I don't say as the +idea was n't a good one--although it's come pretty hard on Mrs. +Sweet--but anyhow, good or no good, she dug up the tacks last night an' +ripped the widths an' set down to sew this mornin'. Her story is as she +turned the duck out to pasture right after breakfast an' then went to +work an' sewed away as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock. Then she +felt most awful tired from the rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so she +thought she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was all done up in the +carpet an' gettin' out was hard so she thought she'd just lay back on +the floor. Seems she lay back suddener than she really intended an' as +she hit the floor, she was _took_. + +"She give a yell an' she says she kept on givin' yells for one solid +hour, an' no one come. She says as no words can ever tell how awful it +was, for every yell sent a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin' an' +knifin' all ways through her. No one heard her, for the blacksmith was +shoein' a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy was +discussin' Hiram on the other. You know what a mule is to shoe, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' you know what Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take to +discussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath as when Gran'ma Mullins an' +Lucy gets to discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no steam penelope out +of a circus, not if it was settin' full tilt right on their very own +door-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet came +for the cullender. + +"Mrs. Sweet says, _the_ shock she got when she opened the door an' see +Mrs. Macy with the carpet on her was enough to upset anybody. + +"She says she thought at first as Mrs. Macy was tryin' to take up her +carpet by crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks come out that way. But +then she see as her face was up an' of course no Christian'd ever crawl +under no carpet with her face up. So she asked her what was the matter, +an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she did n't know what was the +matter. Then Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her up. An' she +says the way she yelled! + +"She says she jerked her by the arms, an' by the legs, an' even by the +head, an' her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler. Mrs. Macy says as her +agonies was terrible every time she slid a little along, an' she just +begged an' prayed for her to go an' get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs. +Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy went +for young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs. +Macy. Oh, my, but their story is as they jerked hard then, for they +wanted her to be respectable in bed afore he came, but it was no use an' +he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an' the carpet afore his eyes got +used to where he was. They had to help him up an' then he had to go in +the kitchen an' disinfect his bump afore he could take a look at Mrs. +Macy. But seems he got around to her at last an' felt her pulse an' then +as he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded her softly all over with +the tack-hammer, but he did n't find out nothin' that way for she yelled +wherever he hit her. He said then as he'd like to turn X-rays through +her, only as there is n't no cellar under her house just there there'd +be no way to get a picture of the other side of what was the matter with +her. + +"So he said she _must_ be got up, an' although she howled as she could +n't be, he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's crowbar an' the +blacksmith, an' it was plain as she'd have to come whether nor no. Mrs. +Sweet says it was surely a sight to see. They put the crowbar across a +footstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other side at the same time, an' with +a yell like Judgment Day they sat her up. + +"An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop? What _do_ you think? There was a +tack stickin' square in the middle of her back! + +"Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesses +he's got suthin' out of somebody now as he won't care to preserve in +alcohol for a ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is mad, too, for he was +goin' over to Meadville to fan a baseball team this afternoon an' he +says Mrs. Macy has used up all his fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'cause +she says she was way ahead of Gran'ma Mullins in what they were talkin' +about an' now she's forgotten what that was. But Gran'ma Mullins was +maddest of all when she found out about the duck, 'cause it seems as +Drusilla Cobb's husband was a relation of hers an' as a consequence she +never could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd take the duck." + +"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I shall fat him an' eat him." + +"An' what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, further. + +"Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs. Macy hunted up the magazine an' +looked 'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after all. As soon as she +see it she remembered the four noses an' all, but she says she was too +done up to go any further at the minister just then." + +"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally. + +"I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow, an' I ain't goin' to catch no +spider for the sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well as she will, +I reckon, an' if I have any doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be by +parboilin' instead of spiders." + +So saying Susan rose, sought her duck, and departed. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES + + +Mrs. Lathrop never went to church. She had relinquished church when she +had given up all other social joys that called for motive power beyond +the limits of her own fence. + +Elijah rarely ever went to church. The getting the paper out Friday for +Saturday delivery wore on him so that he nearly always slept until noon +on Sunday. + +So Susan went alone week after week, just as she had been going alone +for years and years and years. She always wore a black dress to church, +her mother's cashmere shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape which had no +strings and fitted closely around her head. She always took about an +hour and a half to get home from church, although it was barely ten +minutes' walk, and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's gate instead of her +own when she did get home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the minute when +to expect her and was invariably seated ready and waiting. + +One late May day when Susan returned from church she followed her usual +course of Sunday observances by going straight to her neighbor's and +sitting down hard on one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but she +differed from her usual course by her expression, which--usually bland +and fairly contented with the world in general--was this morning most +bitterly set and firmly assured in displeasure. + +"Well," said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat alarmed but attempting to speak +pleasantly, "was--" + +"No," said Susan, "I should say not." Then she unpinned her hat and ran +the pin through the crown with a vicious directness that bore out her +words to the full. + +"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled, "why--" + +"Well, I can't help it if you are," said Miss Clegg, "you don't have to +go Sunday after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you did, an' if you had +what you ain't got an' that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd be +rammin' around with a hat-pin yourself an' understand my feelin's when I +say as there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't been over fully as +often as the minister nor a place where he can open it that I can't tell +just what he'll say about it afore he's done settlin' his tie an' +clearin' his throat. I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an' +throat-clearin' business I don't know what to do an' then to-day it was +the Sermon on the Mount an' he said as he had a new thought to develop +out of the mount for us an' the new thought was as life was a mount with +us all climbin' up it an' sure to come out on top with the Sermon if our +legs held out. It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's got hold of as +puts me so out of all patience I don't know what to do; if they was +really new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but they're as old as the hills +an' I feel like I was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on whenever I +hear him beginnin' with a fresh old one. The other day I met him down in +the square an' he stopped me short an' told me to my face as the world +was gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star as he see the night +afore had given him one as he was intendin' to work up for Christmas. +Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think that particular new thought was? +What _do_ you think? It was as God was back o' the stars! My lands, I +felt like givin' him a punch with my parasol an' I'd of done it too only +I'd left my parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with me but a basket o' +currants. I told him though as the idea o' God an' the stars bein' +anyways new was surely _most_ new to me, an' then I went on to say as +Rachel Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick berries for me Monday an' +seein' as Tuesday was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I could only hope +as some other new thought had n't run off with her, too. + +"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't get much fun out o' church anyway, +for I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time I'm there thinkin' what I +could be doin' at home if I _was_ at home, an' wonderin' whether Elijah +is in bed or whether he's up an' about. I don't know a more awful +feelin' than the feelin' that you're chained helpless in a church while +the man in your house is up an' about your house. Men were n't meant to +be about houses an' I always liked father because he never was about, +but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition an' he inquires more Sundays +than any other time. The idea as he's wanderin' around just carelessly +lookin' into everythin' as ain't locked upsets me for listenin' to the +minister anyway, but lately my patience has been up on its hind legs in +church clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever, for it seems as if the minister +gets tamer an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on, an' between +not likin' to hear him an' bein' half mad to get back to Elijah I'm +beginnin' to wish as God in His infinite mercy had let me be somethin' +besides a Christian. I don't know what I'd be if I was n't a Christian, +but my own view o' this idea o' free-trade in religion as is takin' so +many folks nowadays is as it all comes from most anybody with common +sense jus' naturally knowin' more than any minister as always has his +house an' his potatoes for nothin' ever can possibly get a chance to +learn; an' when folks realize as they know more than the minister they +ain't apt to like to waste the time as they might be learnin' more yet, +sittin' an' listenin' to him tag along behind what they know already. A +minister is kind o' like a horse in blinders or a cow as wears a yoke to +keep her from jumpin', anyway--he feels as he can't launch out even if +he wants to an' so he never does, but my idea would be to give 'em a +little rope an' let 'em be a little more interestin'. Here's two hours +a week as we sit still an' might be learnin' things much more useful +than as Job was patient an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an' Joseph +anyhow. I've heard about 'em both ever since I was old enough to know +about either, an' long afore I was old enough to know about Joseph. I +was talkin' about this at the sewin' society yesterday an' they all +agreed with me. Mrs. Macy said as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin' +to go to sleep in church for the last five years, an' she was beginnin' +to have it so strong as she did n't care who knowed it. + +"Was the minister's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with vivid curiosity. + +"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a moth ball was a lemon drop an' +dealt with it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by the bein' up all +night to even so much as overcast a plain seam; but the rest was there +an' we all aired ourselves inside out, I can assure you, an' was more 'n +glad as she was n't there, so we could do it, too. + +"The general talk was as the minister 'd do well to quit talkin' about +Heaven for a while an' come down to earth. We all know about Heaven, +'cause if you don't all you have to do is to tip back your head an' +there it is day an' night for you to look at as long as your neck don't +ache, but what we don't know about is a lot of what's right around us. +Mrs. Macy says as her view would be to take the Bible for the motto an' +then apply it right to us here to-day, an' tell us how to understand +what's goin' on in the world by its light. She says David an' Goliath +could of been Japan an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling shot, an' +we all felt to agree as _there_ was a idea as _no_ minister ought to +mind ownin', for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she never would of +give Mrs. Macy credit for thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that. Every +one was interested right off an' you ought to of been there to see how +the idea took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd _always_ wanted to know +what a soft-nosed bullet looked like an' how their other features felt, +an' a sermon like that could n't but give us all a new understandin' of +a war. Then they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an' Mrs. Sweet said +as Jezabel bein' throwed to the dogs could apply to that new rule in the +city as makes you have to go around with your dog's nose in a lattice +an' yourself tied to the dog; she said when she went up there the other +day she felt like nothin' but a fool out with her brother an' him bein' +jerked here an' there a'cordin' as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' the +dog's lattice half the time over one of his two ears so he looked more +drunk than sober all day. Of course we ain't got no such rules about +dogs' noses here, but no one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it showed +she took an interest; Mrs. Brown said when she was done as she should +think as the sun standin' still on Absalom three days could be worked up +into havin' our streets lit all night, for she says when young Dr. Brown +is out late, Amelia's so awful nervous she has to sit by her an' hold +her hand, an' young Dr. Brown always says it takes him a good hour +longer than it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o' bein' so afraid o' +runnin' into trees in the dark." + +"They say--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully. + +"Yes, but you could n't make his mother believe it," said Susan; "she +thinks he eats peppermint comin' home nights just because he likes to +eat peppermint comin' home nights. Mothers is all like that. You know +yourself how you was with Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk, about +how all sons was n't prodigals, some bein' obliged by fate to be the +calf instead. I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I think of this new +idea the more took I am with it. The Bible would be most like a new book +if we took it that way an' Sunday would be a day to look forward to all +the week long, just to see what the minister was goin' to say about what +next. The sewin' society was all in favor of the idea an' now if the +square only takes it up with a real mother's heart I don't see why we +should n't get some profit out o' keepin' a minister yet. My notion is +as the minister might just as well learn to be a lesson to us as to be +so dead satisfied with only bein' a trial to us. We've got trials +enough, Lord knows, an' just now what with the weather an' the cleanin' +house no one wants to go to church to hear about things as they all know +anyhow." + +"I wonder--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully. + +"No, I would n't look for that," said Susan; "every one has their limits +an' I would n't expect no man to jump over his own outside. I should n't +ever look for the minister to be really equal to workin' up somethin' +real spicy as would fill the house out o' Uriah the Hittite or Abigail +hangin' upside down to the tree, but I can't well see why he could n't +teach us whether well water's healthy or not by quotin' from Rebecca, +an' when the time comes he could surely get a real nice Thanksgivin' +text out o' John the Baptist's head on the platter." + +"Well--" said Mrs. Lathrop, slowly. + +"I'm goin' home to Elijah now," said Susan, "an' I shall talk the matter +up with him. Elijah's awful funny, Mrs. Lathrop. However much he roams +around while I'm in church he always hops back in bed an' manages to be +sound asleep when it's time for me to come home. An' I will say this for +him, an' that is as with all his pryin' an' meddlin' he's clever enough +to get things back so I can never see no traces of what he's been at. If +I was n't no sharper than most others, I'd think as he never had stirred +out of bed while I was gone--but I am sharper than others an' it'll take +a sharper young man than Elijah to make me suppose as all is gold that +glitters or that a man left all alone in a house don't take that time to +find out what he's alone in the midst of." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +ADVISABILITY OF NEWSPAPER EXPOSURES + + +"Well, I don't know I'm sure what I _am_ goin' to do with Elijah," said +Susan Clegg to her friend one evening. "He's just as restless in his +ideas as he is in bed, an' he's not content in bed without untuckin' +everythin' at the foot. I hate a bed as is kicked out at the foot an' I +hate a man as makes a woman have to put the whole bed together again new +every mornin'. I'm sure I don't see no good to come of kickin' nights +an' I've talked to Elijah about layin' still till I should think he +could n't but see how right I am an' how wrong he is, but still he goes +right on kickin', an' now he's got it into his head as he's got to turn +the town topsy-turvy by findin' out suthin' wrong as we'd rather not +know, an' makin' us very uncomfortable by knowin' it, an' knowin' as now +we know it we've got to do suthin' about it, an' that seems to make him +kick more than ever." + +"Dear--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop. + +"He set on the porch for an hour with me last night," Susan went on, +"tryin' to think o' suthin' as he could expose in the paper. He says a +paper ain't nothin' nowadays without it's exposin' suthin, an' a town +ain't fit to have a paper if it ain't got nothin' to expose in it. He +says no closet without some skeleton, an' he should think we'd have +ours, an' in the end he talked so much that I could n't but feel for a +little as maybe he was right an' as we _was_ behind the times, for when +you come to think it over, Mrs. Lathrop, nothin' ever does happen here +as had n't ought to happen--not since Mr. Shores' wife run off with his +clerk, an' that wa'n't no great happenin', for they could n't stand +sittin' on the piazza much longer--every one could see that--an' Mrs. +Shores wasn't one to have any man but her own husband comin' in an' out +o' the house at all hours, an' so if she'd got to the point where she +wanted a man as wasn't her own husband comin' in an' out, she just had +to up an' run away with him, an' I never have been one to say no ill of +her, for I look on Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye, an' lookin' on +Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye leads me to fully an' freely approve +of every thin' as his wife ever done." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, I know it, an' that's why I speak as I do. But Elijah seems to +think as suthin' else ought to of happened since then, an' he asked me +if I didn't know of nothin' as was bein' tried to be covered up as he +could uncover, an' I really did try to think of suthin' but nobody ever +covers up nothin' here. Nobody could if they wanted to. Everybody knows +everythin' about everybody. We all know about Lucy an' Hiram, 'cause +Gran'ma Mullins is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's side, an' Lucy +is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's other side. Gran'ma Mullins says +when she sees a man like Hiram havin' to devote his strength an' his +Sundays to catchin' water-bugs, she most feels she's been a mother in +vain, an' Lucy says when she realizes as she's married a man as can't be +put to no better use Sundays than catchin' water-bugs, she ain't got no +doubt at all as to what she's married. Lucy's gettin' very bitter about +marriage; she says when she thinks as she may be picked out for a golden +weddin' she feels like tyin' balloons to her feet an' goin' out an' +standin' on her head in the crick. Elijah asked me if maybe she was n't +in love with some one else as he could just notice in general kind o' +terms, but I told him he did n't know what Lucy Dill was on men now as +Hiram has got her eyes open. Why, Lucy don't believe no more in love a +_tall_. Lucy says if she was rid of men an' left on a desert island +alone, with one cow, so she could have eggs an' milk toast regular, +she'd never watch for no ship, an' if a ship heaved up anywhere near, +she'd heave down so quick that if any one on the ship had seen her +they'd think they imagined her afore they'd get ready to go to her +rescue. Elijah shook his head then, an' trailed off to Polly Allen; he +said there must be thirty-five years between Polly an' the deacon, an' +could n't suthin' be hinted at about them. That set me to wonderin', an' +it's really very strange when you come to think of it, Mrs. Lathrop, how +contented Polly is. I don't believe they've ever had a word. He does the +cookin' an' washin' the same as he always did, an' lets her do anythin' +else she pleases, an' they say she's always very obligin' about doin' +it. + +"So then Elijah crossed his legs the other way, an' asked if there was +n't anythin' bigger as could be looked into, but every one knows Hiram +is the biggest man anywhere around here, so that was no use. He asked +then if we did n't have a poorhouse or a insane asylum or a +slaughter-house or suthin' as he could show up in red ink. He said +somebody must be doin' suthin' as they had n't ought to be doin' +somewhere, an' it was both his virtue an' his business to print all +about it. He says exposin' is the very life o' the newspaper business, +an' you can't be nothin' nowadays without you expose. He seemed to feel +very much put out about us not bein' able to be exposed, an' I could n't +help a kind o' hurt feelin' as it was really so. + +"But what can I do, Mrs. Lathrop, I did n't know of nothin'? We ain't +got no place to do anythin' except in the square an' nobody never does +nothin' without everybody knows that day or the next mornin' at the +latest. I don't believe as anybody could have a secret with anybody in +this town 'cause you'd know very well as if you did n't get 'round +pretty quick an' tell it first the other one would be gettin' ahead o' +you an' tellin' it before you. Of course I could see Elijah's drift all +right. Them city papers has turned his head completely just as they do +everybody else's when they first get a new idea. Elijah wants us to be +eatin' bluing for blueberries an' cats for calves jus' so he can be the +first to tell us about it, but there ain't a cat in town as ain't too +well known for anybody to eat without knowin' it, an' as for bluing, if +anybody can feed it to me for blueberries it's me as is the fool an' +them as is n't, an' that's my views. + +"I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, I ain't got no great sympathy +with this new idea o' keepin' us all stirred up over how awful things +is. I won't say as I approved when that man in Chicago made sausage out +o' his wife 'cause he was tired o' her, but I will say as if Lucy see +her chance at Hiram that way I ain't sure as she could restrain herself. +Hiram's perfectly healthy an' could be depended upon not to disagree +with no one in sausage to anythin' like the extent Lucy disagrees with +him, an' Gran'ma Mullins is so tired of hearin' 'em quarrel that I +ain't prepared to say as she'd rebel at anythin' as sent Lucy back to +her father. + +"Elijah went on to tell me a lot about insurance an' railroads, but all +about insurance an' railroads is 'way beyond my interest an' 'way beyond +the understandin' of every one else here, an' nobody's goin' to remember +a thing about any of it a year from now anyhow. That's the trouble with +this country,--they don't remember nothin',--everybody forgets +everythin' before the month is out. Most of the people never thinks o' +San Francisco now, an' as for that fire they had in Baltimore, it's as +dead as Moses. + +"That's the advantage the rest of the country has over us when it comes +to exposin'. They can expose an' expose, an' all the folks who read +about it forget an' forget, but here in this community it's different +an' you can't count on _our_ forgettin' things a _tall_, an' if Elijah +was turned loose I'll venture to say every last one o' them papers +would be saved until doomsday. I know that an' knowin' that I very +carefully restrain him. There's a many as knows as Mr. Kimball's dried +apples is often very under rate, an' a many others as knows whose dead +cat that was as Mrs. Sweet had to bury after vowin' she would n't till +she smelt as she'd got to. Every last one of us knows what Dr. Brown +gets at the drug store when he asks for what he usually gets an' there's +a good many as thinks as Mrs. Macy goes to Meadville more on a'count o' +Dr. Carter than to see her cousin, Mrs. Lupey. But I was n't goin' to +set Elijah swimmin' in any such deep water. Elijah is a young man an' +the age to go wrong easy, an' when that age see how easy it is to go +wrong they're nothin' but foolish if they waste another second goin' +right, so if Elijah wants to go to exposin' he'll have to get his stuff +from some one else beside me." + +"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, I don't say that," said Miss Clegg, "I'm only human after all an' +I can't in conscience deny as I should like to see them as I don't like +showed up just as much as any other man as is makin' a business of +showin' up his neighbors, likes it. But I know I've got to live here an' +it'd be very poor livin' for me after I'd aired myself by way of Elijah. +There's a great difference between knowin' things all by yourself an' +readin' 'em in the paper, an' I know as that dead cat would cause a +great deal o' hard feelin' in print, while buried by Mrs. Sweet it only +helps her garden grow. So I shall keep on talkin' as usual, but I shall +hold Elijah out o' print an' so keep the country safe." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, the paper'll do just as well," said Susan; "he's goin' to print one +sheet as comes all printed from the city every week an' he says that'll +put new zest in the thing. It'll be a great deal better to get the zest +that way than to get it exposin'. Zest is suthin' as is always safest a +good ways off. Elijah saw that, too, afore he got done last night, for +in his hitchin' about he hitched over the edge o' the piazza in the +end." + +"Did--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, no," said Miss Clegg. "But he tore a lot of things an' smashed a +rose bush, but I did n't care about that. I just told him to leave 'em +on a chair this mornin' an' I'd sew 'em all up again, an' I done it, an' +as to the rose bush, I'll have him get another an' give it to me for a +present the next time I go to the city to pick it out myself." + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +THE TRIAL OF A SICK MAN IN THE HOUSE + + +"Well, where--" began Mrs. Lathrop in a tone of real pleasure at seeing +Miss Clegg come into her kitchen one afternoon a few days after. + +Miss Clegg dropped into a chair. + +"Well, I _have_ got trouble now!" she announced abruptly, "Elijah's +sick!" + +"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"--Jah," finished Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, Elijah's sick! He was sick +all night an' all this mornin', an' I may in confidence remark as I hope +this'll be a lesson to him to never do it again, for I've got a feelin' +in my legs as 'll bear me out in lettin' him or any one else die afore +I'll ever work again like I've worked to-day an' last night." + +"Why, what--" + +"Did n't you see young Dr. Brown?" + +"No, I--" + +"Yes, I supposed so," said Susan, resignedly; "I know your ways, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' I never look for any other ways in you. It's good as I +don't, for if I did I'd be blind from lookin' an' not seein'. I know +you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know your ways, an' I realize to the full how +different they are from me an' my ways, but a friend is a friend an' +what can't be endured has got to be cured, so I come to tell you about +Elijah just the same as I do anythin' else as is easy heard." + +"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, he is n't. That is, he was n't when I come out, but he had his pen +an' said he was goin' to write a editorial sittin' up in bed. He can't +get out of bed on a'count of the sheet, but 'Liza Em'ly's there if he +wants anythin' so it don't matter if I do leave for a little while. She +come an' offered an' I don't see why she should n't have a chance to +get married the same as any other girl, so I set her in the next room +an' told her not to go near him on no a'count, an' naturally there ain't +nothin' as'll make 'em wilder to talk than for Elijah to feel he'd ought +to be workin' on his editorial an' for 'Liza Em'ly to feel as he had n't +ought to be spoke to. I don't say as I consider Elijah any great catch, +but if 'Liza Em'ly can find any joy jumpin' at him with her mouth open I +ain't one to deprive her of the hop. Elijah's a very fair young man as +young men go, an' I think any girl as is willin' to do her nine-tenths +can have a time tryin' to be happy with him. If she ain't happy long it +won't be Elijah's fault for he's just as sure his wife 'll be happy as +any other man is." + +"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, that's what I come to tell you. He woke me last night, tappin' on +my door, an' hollered as he had the appendicitis on both sides at once." + +"On both--" + +"That's what he said. Well, as soon as I got awake enough to know as I +was n't asleep, I knowed he was wrong somehow an' I sat up in bed an' +hollered back to him to take ten sips o' water, hold his breath while he +counted fifteen, an' go back to bed. I was n't calculatin' to get up +with no two-sided appendicitis in the middle o' no night if I could help +it, an' I knowed anyhow as it was only some of them dried apples o' Mr. +Kimball's as was maybe lodged here an' there in him an' no harm done if +he'd only let me sleep. + +"But, no sir, Elijah had no idea o' lettin' me sleep while he set up +alone with his own two sides. There's suthin' about a man, Mrs. Lathrop, +as 'll never let him suffer in silence if there's any woman to be woke +up. A man can't be a hero unless a woman stands by barefooted with a +candle, an' he feels a good deal easier groanin' if he can hear her +sneezin' between times. So back come Elijah right off to say as I must +be up an' doin' or he'd be dead afore dawn. I was so sound asleep I +told him to set a mouse trap two times afore my senses come to me an' +then when they did I was mad. I tell you I was _good_ an' mad too. I put +on my slippers an' father's duster as I always keep hangin' to my +bedpost to slip on or dust with just as I feel to need it on or dustin', +an' I went to Elijah. He was back layin' in bed done up in a sort o' +ring o' rosy, groanin' an' takin' on an' openin' an' shuttin' his eyes +like he thought he could make me feel pleased at bein' woke up. But I +was n't goin' to feel pleased. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, a stitch in +time saves nine, an' I hadn't no idea of encouragin' Elijah to wake me +like that, not while there's maybe a chance of me havin' him to board +more 'n the three months I promised. I saw as I was gettin' into the +duster as all my comfort depended on how I acted right then an' there +an' I was decided to be firm. I stood by the bed an' looked at him hard +an' then I says to him, I says, 'Well, what did you wake me up for?' +'No one ever felt nothin' like this,' he says; 'I've got two appendixes +an' I can feel another comin' in my back.' 'Elijah,' I said, 'don't talk +nonsense. You've been an' woke me up an' now I'm woke up what do you +want me to do?' I leaned over him as I said it an' let a little hot +candle grease drip on his neck an' he give a yowl an' straightened out +an' then give another yowl an' shut up again. 'I'll make you some ginger +tea,' I says, 'an' put a mustard plaster wherever you like best,' I +says, 'an' then I shall look to be let alone,' I says, an' so I went +downstairs an' set to work. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I made that tea an' I +bet I made it strong; I put some red pepper in it, too, an' poured a +little mucilage into the plaster, for I may in confidence remark as I +didn't intend as Elijah should ever look forward to wakin' me up in the +night again. Then I went upstairs an' he sit up an' took the whole of +the cup at one gulp! You never see no one so satisfied with nothin' in +all your life! He fell back like he was shot an' said, 'Scott, Scott, +Scott,' until really I thought as he was ravin'. Then I said, 'Where do +you want the plaster, Elijah?' an' he said, 'On my throat, I guess.' I +says, 'No, Elijah, you've waked me up an' wakin' me up is nothin' to +joke over. You put this plaster on an' go to sleep an' don't wake me up +again unless you feel for more tea.' I spoke kind, but he could see as I +felt firm an' I set the candle down an' went back to bed. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think,--what _do_ you think? Seems as +Elijah was so afraid o' burnin' himself in another place that he went +an' put the _sheet_ between him an' the plaster an' glued himself all +together. This mornin' when he awoke up there he was with the sheet +stuck firm to him an' I must say I was very far from pleased when he +hollered to me an' I went in an' found him lookin' more like a kite than +anythin' else an' not able to dress 'cause he could n't take off his +sheet. 'Well, Elijah, you _have_ done it now, I guess,' I says; 'I +never see nothin' the beat o' this. If I have to send for young Dr. +Brown to take that sheet off you, you'll be in the papers from the +earthquake to Russia an' back again.' Well, that was all there was to do +an' when 'Liza Em'ly come with the milk I had to ask her to go up to +young Dr. Brown's an' ask him to kindly come as soon as he could an' +amputate Elijah out o' bed. He come right after breakfast an' he had a +time, I tell you! We worked with water an' we worked with hot water, we +tried loosenin' the edges by jerkin' quick when Elijah was n't +expectin', but it was all no use. Dr. Brown said he never see such a +plaster, he said it'd be a fortune for mendin' china. Then we got the +dish-pan an' tried layin' Elijah face down across it an' pilin' books on +his back to keep the right place in front soakin', but even that didn't +help. Dr. Brown said in the end as he thought the only way maybe would +be to do all the corners of the sheet up in a paper an' let Elijah +carry it hugged tight to him an' wear father's duster down to the crick +an' sit in it till he just slowly come loose. But Elijah did n't want to +go bathin' in a duster an' I had a feelin' myself as if Meadville heard +of it we'd surely be very much talked about, so finally Dr. Brown said +he thought as he'd go home an' study up the case, an' I let him go for I +had my own ideas as to how much he knew about what was makin' the +trouble. So he went an' then I got dinner an' took some up to Elijah an' +told him jus' what I thought of the whole performance. I talked kind but +I talked firm an' I done a lot of good, for he said he did n't know but +it would be better if he arranged to live with the Whites after the +Fourth of July 'cause he had a feelin' as maybe he was a good deal of +trouble to me. I told him I hadn't a mite of doubt as he was a good deal +of trouble to me an' then Mrs. Macy come. I had to stop talkin' to him +an' go down an' tell her what was the matter. She said right off as her +idea would be to shut the windows, build a big fire an' make Elijah jus' +work himself loose from the inside out. I told her about the mucilage +though an' then she changed her views an' said I'd best fold the sheet +neatly an' let him wear it till he wore it off next time he growed a new +skin. Mrs. Macy says she's been told we keep sheddin' our skins the same +as snakes an' that that's really what makes our clothes need washin' so +often. She said the moral was plain as by the time the sheet'd need +washin' Elijah would shed it anyhow. I see the p'int o' what she said +an' I felt to agree, but while we was talkin' Mrs. Sweet come in an' her +view was all different. She said as Elijah would find that sheet a most +awful drag on him an' to her order o' thinkin' he'd ought to go down to +where Mr. Kimball makes his dried apples an' steam loose in the vat. She +says he can steam out very fast an' Mr. Kimball bein' his uncle 'll +naturally let him sit in the vat for nothin'." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I don't know," said Susan; "Lucy come in while we was sittin' +there an' she said her view'd be for me just to take a firm hold of the +sheet an' walk straight out of the room without a so much as 'by your +leave' to Elijah, but I'd be afraid of tearin' the sheet if I did that +way. An' then Gran'ma Mullins came an' her view was as I'd best sit an' +sop Elijah with a sponge, which just shows why Hiram is so tore in two +between such a mother an' such a wife's views." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop again. + +"Well, Elijah was writin' a editorial when I left an' 'Liza Em'ly was +lookin' at him an' sighin' to talk an' I come over to tell you all about +it." + +Just here a piercing scream was heard from across the way. + +"My--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop. + +Susan sprang to her feet and ran to the door; as she opened it Eliza +Emily was seen flying down the Clegg steps. + +"What is it?" screamed Miss Clegg from Mrs. Lathrop's steps. + +"Elijah dropped his pen," screamed Eliza Emily in reply, "an' when he +reached for it he fell out o' bed an' tore loose." + +"Did he tear the sheet any?" + +"No, but he thinks he's tore himself." + +Miss Clegg began to walk rapidly towards her own house. + +"You can see I've got to go," she called back to her friend over her +shoulder; "this is what it is to have a man livin' in your house, Mrs. +Lathrop." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +THE BEGINNING OF THE END + + +As June wore on it became more and more apparent that Elijah wore on +Miss Clegg. She grew less and less mild towards his shortcomings and +more and more severe as to the same. + +"He's only--" Mrs. Lathrop attempted to explain to her. + +"I don't care if he is," she replied, "it says in the Bible as a man is +a man for all that an' I never was one to go against the Bible even if I +ain't never felt in conscience called to say where Cain an' Abel got +married, or what it was as the Jews lit out from Egypt on a'count of. I +tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, you've forgotten what it is to have a +man around your house. There's somethin' just about the way a man eats +an' sleeps as gets very aggravatin' to any woman after the new's off. I +begin to see what men invented gettin' married for,--it was so they +could kite around an' always be sure they had one woman safe chained up +at home to do their cookin' an' washin'. Why, I ain't married to Elijah +a _tall_, an' yet just havin' him in the house is gettin' me more an' +more under his thumb every day that he stays with me. I feel to stay in +the square an' I find myself hurryin' home 'cause he likes hot biscuits, +an' I feel to turn his washstand around an' I leave it where it is for +no better reason than as he likes it where it is. It's awful the way a +man gets the upper hand of a woman! Lord knows I've no love for Elijah +an' yet I'm caperin' upstairs an' downstairs when he ain't in a hurry +an' tearin' my legs off scamperin' when he is, until I declare I feel +mad at myself--I certainly do. + +"An' now, there he is fallin' in love with 'Liza Em'ly, the last girl in +the world as he'd ought to even dream of marryin', an' I talk to him +an' talk to him, an' tell him so, an' tell him so, an' it don't make no +more impression than when you rub a cat behind her ear." + +"Why, a cat--" protested Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes, an' so does Elijah. It just tickles him half to death to hear +'Liza Em'ly's mere name, an' he don't care what any one says about her +just so long as it's about her. + +"I see the minister down in the square to-day an' I told him my opinion +of it all right to his face. But the minister didn't have no heart for +'Liza Em'ly--he's too used up discussin' what under the sun is to be +done with Henry Ward Beecher. He says it's suthin' just awful about +Henry Ward Beecher's feelin' for Emma Sweet, an' he told me frank an' +open as personally it's been so terrible easy for him to get himself +married an' get consequences that he can't find nothin' to point his +index finger into Henry Ward Beecher with about this unrequited +affection of his for Emma. He says as he never knowed as a _man_ could +have unrequited affection afore an' he really seems to feel more'n a +little hurt over it. He says he can't well see how to restrain Henry +Ward Beecher an' it's town talk as Henry Ward Beecher is far past +restrainin' himself. I see Polly White afterward an' she says it's +gospel truth as he's took indelible ink an' tattoed Emma all over +himself, even places where he had to do it by guess or a mirror." + +"My heavens!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, I should say so," said Susan, "an' will you only consider, Mrs. +Lathrop, what Emma Sweet is to be tattoed all over any man like that! I +like all the Sweets an' I like Emma, but it's only in reason as I should +regard her with a impartial eye, an' no impartial eye lookin' her way +could ever in reason deny as she don't appear likely to set no rivers +afire. Emma's a nice girl, an' if her toes turned out an' her teeth +turned in I don't say but what she might go along without bein' noticed +in a crowd, but with them teeth an' toes all you can call her is +good-hearted an' you know as well as I do as bein' called good-hearted +is about the meanest thing as anybody can ever call anybody else. Folks +in this world never call any one good-hearted unless they can't find +nothin' else good to say of 'em, for it stands to reason as any sensible +person'd rather have anythin' else about 'em good before their heart, +for it's way inside an' largely guesswork what it is anyhow. + +"They say as Mrs. Sweet says as even though Emma's her own child, still +she can't see no reason for Henry Ward Beecher's March-haredness. She +says Emma's best p'ints is her gettin' up early an' the way she puts her +whole soul into washin' an' bread-kneadin', but she says Henry Ward +Beecher ain't sensible enough to appreciate good p'ints like those. She +says she's talked to Emma an' any one with half a eye can see as it +ain't Emma as needs the talkin' to. She says Emma says as the way he +hangs onto her goin' home from choir practice is enough to pull her +patience all out of proportion. She says Emma says she'd as soon have a +garter-snake seein' her home, an' doin' itself up in rings around her +all the while, an' Mrs. Sweet says any one as has ever seen Emma seein' +a garter-snake would consider Henry Ward Beecher's chances as very slim +after a remark like that. + +"Mr. Kimball says he wishes he had n't took him into his store just now; +he says no young man ain't got a call to the grocery trade when he's in +a state of heart as won't let him hear the call o' the man as owns the +business, an' Mr. Kimball says when he fell into the vat where he was +stirrin' up his dried apples, Henry Ward Beecher never heard one single +holler as he gave--not one single solitary holler did that boy hear, an' +Mr. Kimball 'most had a real city Turkish bath as a result. Why, he told +me as he was in the vat for nigh on to a hour afore Elijah heard him +from the other side, an' he says as a consequence he ain't very much +took with havin' a clerk as is in love. He says too as only to see Henry +Ward Beecher tryin' to pour through a funnel when any member o' the +Sweet family is walkin' by on the other side of the square is enough to +make him as owns what's bein' spilt wish as Henry Ward Beecher's father +had gone unrequited too. Mrs. Macy come in while we was talkin' an' she +said it was too bad as Emma wasn't smarter, 'cause if Emma was smarter +Henry Ward Beecher'd jus' suit her. Mrs. Macy says the trouble is as +Emma's too smart to be willin' to marry a fool an' not quite smart +enough to be willin' to. Mrs. Macy says as Mr. Fisher was just such +another an' Mrs. Fisher jumped for him like a duck at a bug." + +"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly. + +"No," said Susan, "but Gran'ma Mullins did. Gran'ma Mullins is always +nothin' but glad to have a chance to shake her head an' wipe her eyes +over any one's love-makin'. She come in to wait a little 'cause Lucy +wanted to dust an' she says she ain't got no strength to stay in the +house while Lucy dusts; she says it lays Hiram out on the sofa every +time regular an' sometimes it gives him the toothache. She says she an' +Hiram never know when they 're dirty a'cordin' to Lucy's way o' thinkin' +but, Heaven help 'em, they always know when they're clean a'cordin' to +Lucy's idea of bein' clean. She says Lucy is that kind as takes one of +her hairpins an' goes down on her knees an' scratches out the last bit +of dirt as the Lord hath mercifully seen fit to allow to settle in His +cracks. You can see as Gran'ma Mullins has suffered! She says it's a +hard thing to bear, but Hiram grins an' she bears an' their pride helps +'em out. + +"While we was talkin' Emma come by for the mail an' we see Henry Ward +Beecher's face just hoverin' madly over the breakfast-food display in +Mr. Kimball's window. Mr. Jilkins was in town buyin' a rake an' he +waited to see what would happen. Judge Fitch was there too an' Polly +White. We all had our eyes fixed on Henry Ward Beecher an' I will say, +Mrs. Lathrop, as I never got so tired waitin' for nothin'." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Love affairs is terrible tame to lookers-on, I think. If they get over +it your time's wasted an' if they don't get over it the time's wasted +all around. My own opinion is as all love affairs is a very foolish kind +o' business, for you never find real sensible folks havin' anythin' to +do with 'em. But it was no use talkin' that to-day, so Henry Ward +Beecher hung up there on the breakfast foods, an' we sat an' watched him +like combination cats till long about five Johnny come by an' said as +Mr. Sperrit had took Emma home with them to tea." + +"Oh--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, impulsively. + +"I don't know why not," said Susan, "my own opinion is as he's a +idiot--" + +"Mr. Sper--" + +"No, Henry Ward Beecher. It's always struck me as a very strange thing +as we had n't got one single idiot in this community an' I guess the +real truth is as we've had one all the time an' did n't know him by +sight. There's a idiot most everywhere till he gets the idea into his +head to kill some one an' so gives others the idea as he's safer shut +up, an' so it ain't surprisin' our havin' one too. I see Mrs. Brown on +my way home an' I asked her if she did n't think as I was right. She +said she would n't be surprised if it was true, an' it was very odd as +she'd never thought o' it before, recollectin' her experience with him +years ago when she had him that time as the minister went to the +Sperrits' on his vacation. She went on to say then as to her order o' +thinkin' Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit come pretty close to bein' idiots +themselves, for she says she don't know she's sure what ails 'em but +they've been married years now an' is still goin' round as beamin' as +two full moons. She says it ain't anythin' to talk of in public but +actually to see 'em drivin' back from market sometimes most makes her +wish as she was n't a widow, an' she says anythin' as'd make her sorry +she's a widow had n't ought to be goin' round loose in a Christian town. +She was very much in earnest an' Mrs. Fisher overtook us just then an' +she said it all over again to her an' she said more, too--she said as +the way she looks at him in church is all right an' really nothin' but a +joy to look on afore marriage, but she don't consider it hardly decent +afterwards for it's deludin' an' can't possibly be meant in earnest. She +says she was married, an' her son is married, an' her father was +married, too, an' you can't tell her that the way Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit +go on isn't suthin' pretty close to idiocy even if it ain't the whole +thing." + +"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Mrs. Fisher said," continued Susan, "as she thought maybe she got used +to lookin' pleasant at him in all them years as she kept house for him +afore he made up his mind to get married to her, an' so the habit kind +of is on her an' what's dyed in the wool keeps on stickin' to Mr. +Sperrit. She said as they do say as he married her 'cause he wanted her +bedroom to hang up corn to dry in. She went on to say as for her part +she always enjoyed seein' the Sperrits so happy for it done any one good +to only look at 'em an' that she'd only be too happy to be a idiot +herself if it'd do any human bein' good to look at her an' Mr. Fisher +afterwards. She went on to say as she'd heard as the other night Mr. +Sperrit drove two miles back in the rain 'cause he'd forgot a cake o' +sapolio as she'd asked him to bring. I spoke up at that an' I said I did +n't see nothin' very surprisin' in that, for I know if I asked any man +as I was married to to bring home a cake o' sapolio I should most surely +look to see the cake when he come home." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I know; but you always spoiled him," said Susan. "Well, what was I +sayin'? Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown said as Mrs. Macy was tellin' her the other +day as they've got a idiot in Meadville--a real hereditary one; the +doctors have all studied him an' it's a clear case right down from his +great-grandfather." + +"His great--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Grandfather," said Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that is how it was, an' +Mrs. Macy says it's really so, for she see the tombstones all but the +mother's--hers ain't done yet. Seems the idiocy come from the +great-grandfather's stoppin' on the train crossin' to pick up a frog +'cause he was runnin' for suthin' in connection with the Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals." + +"The frog!" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, the great-grandfather. Seems he never stopped to consider as what'd +kill a frog would be sure to hit him, an' Mrs. Macy says the doctors +said as that was one very strong piece o' evidence against the family +brains right at the start, but she says he really was smarter than they +thought, for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals paid +for the funeral an' for the grandmother's, too." + +"The grand--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"--Mother's," said Susan. "Yes, seems the railway track was their back +fence an' she'd always begged an' prayed him at the top o' her voice not +to go to town that way, but he would n't listen 'cause he was stone-deaf +an' then besides like all that kind he always pretended not to hear what +he did n't want to. But anyhow she was in the garden an' she see the +train an' she tried to get to him, an' whether she broke a blood vessel +yellin' or contracted heart disease hoppin' up an' down, anyway she fell +over right then an' there an' it would have been copied in all the +newspapers all over the country even if the mother--" + +"The moth--" cried Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Er," said Susan. "Yes, seems she heard the yell an' run to the window +so quick she knocked the stick out as held it up an' it come down on her +head. So, you see the idiocy come right straight down in the family of +the idiot for three generations afore him." + +"I ain't sure," said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully. + +"I ain't either," said Susan; "Mrs. Macy says, she was n't either. No +one in Meadville never was." + +"An' yet--" began Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, as to that," said Susan, "that's altogether another kind o' idiot. +Henry Ward Beecher won't die of his love even if Emma won't have him, +an' they'll both always be the better an' happier for not havin' one +another, if they only knew it. It's mighty easy to love folks an' think +how happy you'd always be with 'em as long as you don't marry 'em. It's +marryin' 'em an' livin' in the house with 'em as shows you how hard it +is to be really married. I thank Heaven I'm only livin' in the house +with Elijah an' not married to him, so I can see my way ahead to gettin' +rid of him in a little while now. You don't know how I ache to draw the +curtains of his room an' pin up the bed an' pour the water out of his +pitcher an' set a mouse trap in there an' just know it is n't goin' to +be mussed up again." + +Susan sighed deeply. + +"How long--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I said three months," said Miss Clegg, "an' that takes it over the +Fourth of July. My heavens alive, seems some days as if I could n't but +just live, an' the meanest thing about a man is, he's so dead sure as he +makes you happy, bein' around the house." + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +AN OLD-FASHIONED FOURTH + + +"Well, Elijah seems to have hit the nail on its foot instead of its head +this time," said Miss Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop on the noon of the Sunday +before the Fourth of July; "that editorial of his in this week's paper +ain't suitin' any one a _tall_. I was down in the square yesterday an' +everybody as was there was talkin' about it, an' to-day after church +everybody was still talkin' about it, an' gettin' more mad all the +time." + +"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop. + +"The one about the celebration as he printed in this week's paper," +replied her friend; "they was for discussin' nothin' else after church +to-day, an' one an' all is dead set against the way as Elijah says. +Them as has bought their fireworks ain't pleased, of course, an' Mr. +Kimball says as he considers that Elijah had ought to of consulted him +afore he printed such a article in the hind part of a uncle's store that +had just laid in a new supply of two pounds of punk alone. Mr. Kimball +says as he'd planned a window display o' cannon crackers pointin' all +ways out of a fort built o' his new dried apples an' now here's Elijah +comin' out in Saturday's paper for an old-fashioned Fourth o' July +without no firecrackers a _tall_. Mr. Kimball says he thinks Elijah +ought to remember whose nephew he is an' show some family feelin'; he +says punk is a thing as can never be worked off in no bargain lot of +odds an' ends, an' he says his own Fourth o' July is spoiled now anyway +just by the shock of the worry 'cause he can't be sure how folks is +goin' to be affected until the effect is over, an' the Fourth o' July'll +be over mighty quick this year. 'T ain't like they had most a week to +calm down from Elijah's new idea--they ain't got but just Monday to +decide an' buy their fireworks, too. + +"Judge Fitch says he can't quite make out what Elijah meant by callin' +for patriotic speeches; he says he's willin' to make a speech any day, +but he says no one ever wants to stop poppin' long enough to listen to a +speech on the Fourth o' July. He says too as it's very hard to get a +still crowd that day 'cause people are afraid to get absorbed listenin' +for fear suthin' may go off under 'em while they ain't keepin' watch. +Mr. Dill said that was true, 'cause he had a personal experience that +way in his own dog; he says that dog would of made a fine hunter only +some one throwed a torpedo at him one Fourth o' July, when he was +lookin' under a sidewalk, an' after that that dog almost had a fit if a +sparrow chirped quick behind him. Mr. Dill said he tried to cure him by +stuffin' cotton in his ears an' keepin' a cloth tied neatly around his +head, but then he read in the paper about some deaf German as when he +played the piano always listened with his teeth, an' he said that just +made him empty the cotton right out of the dog an' give up. + +"Mrs. Macy says what she wants to know is what's Elijah tryin' to get at +anyhow. She says she always thought a barbecue was a kind of cake an' +she did n't know white folks ever could lift their legs that high, even +if they felt to want to. She says the idea of its bein' suthin' to eat +in the woods is surely most new to her an' she ain't sure she wants to +eat in the woods anyhow. She says there's always flies an' mosquitoes in +the woods an' she's passed the age o' likin' to drop down anywhere, an' +jump up any time, years ago. As for cookin' in the woods she says that +part of Elijah's editorial is too much for every one. She says she never +hear of roastin' a ox whole in a pit in her life; she says how is the ox +to be got into the pit an' what's to cook him while he's in there an' +when he's cooked how's he to be got out again to eat? She says she +thinks Elijah has got a ox an' a clam mixed in his mind, an' a pit an' a +pile. She says she knows they cook clams in piles on the seashore, +'cause she's heard so from people as has been there, an' besides she +seen a picture of one once. + +"Gran'ma Mullins came up an' she's most awful troubled over the ox, too. +She says Hiram is got such a name for bein' strong now that she just +knows as they'll expect him to put that ox into the pit when they're +ready to cook him, an' then lift him out again when he's done. She says +it's gettin' too terrible about Hiram, every time as somebody fat dies +anywhere or there's a piano to move or a barn to get up on jack-screws +they send right for Hiram to be one o' the pallbearers an' give him the +heaviest corner. Why, she says the other day when that refrigerator came +for Polly White they unloaded it right onto Hiram from the train, an' +not a soul dreamed as there was shot packed in both sides of it to save +rates, until poor Hiram set it down to put it on the other shoulder. +She says too, as she can't well see how a ox can be roasted whole +anyway; she says it'll be a awful job gettin' his hair singed off in the +first place, an' she just knows they'll expect Hiram to hold him an' +twirl him while he's singein'. Then, too, she says as the whole of a ox +don't want to be roasted anyhow. The tongue has to be boiled an' the +liver has to be sliced an' the calves' brains has to be breaded an' +dipped in egg, an' after he's roasted an' Hiram has got him out o' the +pit, who's to skin him then, she'd like to know, for you can't tell her +as anybody can eat rawhide, even if it is cooked. + +"Deacon White come up, an' he said he an' Polly would bring their own +lunch an' their own pillow an' blanket an' hammock an' look on, 'cause +Polly wanted to see the fun an' they were n't intendin' to have any +fireworks anyhow. He said he was curious about the ox himself; he said +he wondered where they'd get the ox, an' the pit, too, for that matter. + +"He said he wanted it distinctly understood as he an' Polly'd bring +their own lunch an' neither borrow nor lend. He said that rule would +apply to the pillow an' the blanket an' the hammock, the same as to the +lunch. There was some talk after he was gone on how terrible close he +an' Polly are both gettin'. Seems kind of funny, to be so savin' when +you ain't got nobody to save for, but the Whites an' Allens was always +funny an' what's bred in the flesh always sticks the bones out +somewhere, as we all know. + +"The minister come up an' he said as it says in the Bible as when the ox +is in the pit every one must join in an' help him out, so he shall do +his part an' bring all his family with him. But he said he must remark +as to his order of thinkin' a ox struck him as a most singular way to +commemorate the day our forefathers fought an' bled over. He says he +should have thought a service o' song an' a much to be desired donation +towards cleanin' out his cistern would have been a more fittin' way to +spend the glorious Fourth in, than fixin' a ox in a pit an' tryin' to +bake him there. He says he don't think it can be done anyhow, he says a +ox ain't no chestnut to stick in the ashes till he bounces out cooked o' +his own accord. + +"Mrs. Fisher says she sha'n't have nothin' to do with any of it; they're +all goin' to the city, an' Mr. Fisher is goin' to a lecture on that +Russian that his country wants to amalgamate for suthin' he's done; an' +she an' John Bunyan is goin' to the Hippodrome. They want to see the +girl turn upside down in the automobile an' Mrs. Fisher says she can +hear about the ox when she comes back. + +"Mrs. Brown says they sha'n't go, 'cause young Dr. Brown's afraid o' +microbes in the woods. He's goin' to disinfect everythin' with that new +smell he's invented the day before the Fourth, an' then they're goin' to +have huckleberry biscuit an' watermelon an' just spend a quiet day +waitin' for any accidents as may maybe come along. Mrs. Brown says +young Dr. Brown is always hopin' for another railroad smash-up like that +one that came while he was away studyin'. She says it always seems too +bad it couldn't have come a year later, when he was just back with that +handsome brand new set of doctor's knives an' forks as he got for a +prize." Susan paused. + +"Shall you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, I sha'n't. I ain't interested in the Fourth o' July. I never had +nothin' to do with it in the beginnin' an' I ain't never had nothin' to +do with it since. My own idea's always been as the Boston people was +very foolish to go throwin' their tea overboard sooner'n buy stamps. We +all buy stamps now an' no one thinks o' fussin' over it, an' I guess we +do a lot other things as we'd never of had to do if we'd kept our tea +an' our mouths shut in the beginnin'. They say tea is very cheap in +England an' very good, too, an' heaven knows nothin' is cheap with us. +Elijah says if it wasn't for his uncle he'd take a strong stand on a +low tariff, but my goodness, it looks to me like he'd better not meddle +with the tariff--he's set the town by the ears enough with his ox. I had +a long talk with him last night about the whole thing. I don't know, I'm +sure, how Elijah ever is goin' to get on without me, for I certainly do +talk to him enough to keep him in ideas right straight along. I was very +kind last night--but I was firm, too. In the end I broke him down +completely an' he told me as he never meant it that way a _tall_. He +says he only drew a picture o' what the Fourth o' July was in olden +times. But this town ain't good on pictures, we take things right up by +the handle an' deal with 'em a'cordin'." + +"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, of course not," said Susan, "but they can take him up by the tail +an' horns, can't they?" + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE DAY + + +"Well," said Miss Clegg to her friend the Sunday after the Fourth, "I'm +thankful to say as the game is up to-morrow an' Elijah moves out of my +house. We never had no Fourth o' July like this afore an' every one is +prayin' as we'll never have such another again. It was really very +peaceful in church this mornin' an' the collection was thirty-two cents, +so that shows as folks is beginnin' to take heart again, but you could +see as they was all nervous an' even the minister kept lookin' anxiously +out of the window whenever he thought as he heard a noise. Mr. Weskin +says he thinks a house catchin' fire from bein' disinfected comes under +some head as lets the insurance get paid anyhow an' he says if not he'll +take the case for the Browns on even halves for his heart is full o' +sympathy for 'em. The Browns was in church themselves to-day, all but +Amelia, an' I had the story from them straight for the first time. Young +Dr. Brown says he can't understand any of it; he says the stuff must be +stirred in a barrel for two hours without stoppin' an' he says he'll let +any man breathe a suspicion as his mother stopped after he once set her +at it! Mrs. Brown says she did n't stop neither, she says when she could +n't move her arms any more for love or money, she stuck the broomstick +through her belt an' sat on the edge o' the barrel an' kept the stuff +stirrin' so. They poured in the acid right after breakfast, an' then Dr. +Brown wanted the test to be thorough, so they put a live fly in each +room, shut the doors between, shut all the windows, took the silver out +on the lawn, an' then threw a match into the barrel an' run out the coal +cellar door. + +"Amelia is up at her father's an' ain't able to speak of it yet, but +Mrs. Brown says her own view of it will always be as it was a explosion. +She says as she can't see how you could call it anythin' else in the +world. She says they was all sittin' in the arbor an' Amelia was just +gettin' into the hammock an' Dr. Brown was just beginnin' on the King o' +Spain's honeymoon in the paper, with a picture of a bullfight to +illustrate it, when she heard such a noise as she never will forget +again in all her life to come. She says her first thought was as Amelia +had bu'st the hammock, for she says she tries to be kind to the bosom +wife of her chosen son, but Amelia is surely most awful hard on anythin' +as you get in an' out of, but then she heard the second noise, an' she +says to her dyin' day she won't be able to swear to nothin' but as she +thought it was San Francisco quakin' right in our very middle. Why, she +says, she never for one second doubted as it was a earthquake. The +canary-bird cage come sailin' out o' the dinin'-room window, all the +chimneys went down with a crash, an' Amelia give one yell an' fainted. +Mrs. Brown says she an' young Dr. Brown did n't really know which way to +turn for a minute. They could n't seem to think whether their first duty +was to shake Amelia or run around to the front of the house. The windows +was blowin' out as fast as they could an' the most awful smellin' smoke +you ever smelt was pourin' out after them! She said the smell was bad +enough when she was stirrin' the stuff in the barrel, but exploded, it +was just beyond all belief. In the end they left Amelia an' run 'round +behind the house an' if there was n't all the kitchen stove lids comin' +bangin' out at 'em an' all the feathers from the pillows just rainin' +down like snow! They run aroun' to the side an' there was Amelia's +sheets o' music all over the lawn an' jars o' pickles with the glass +lids gone, an' jelly tumblers an' weddin' gold-rimmed china, an' in +front an' on top of all else if the fire did n't bu'st out! + +"Dr. Brown run for the fire engine then an' every one was at home +gettin' ready for the picnic an' there wa'n't no one down town a _tall_. +He was all of ten minutes findin' any one an' when he found him it was +only Mr. Shores, an' Mrs. Brown says as gettin' out a fire engine with +Mr. Shores an' your house burnin' is suthin' as she trusts will never be +her lot again. She says Mr. Shores would n't lay hold o' the engine till +after the cover was folded up neatly an' then he wanted to dust the +wheels afore runnin' it out. Then after it was run out an' got to the +house, if there wa'n't no hose, an' Dr. Brown had to run away back to +the engine house for the hose an' while he was runnin' he met John +Bunyan runnin' too an' John Bunyan told him as the hose was kept coiled +up in the part as sticks up behind the engine like a can. So they run +back together an' got it out an' run with it to the well an' Dr. Brown +was so excited he dropped the hose in the well. Mrs. Brown says she was +nigh too mad by this time with the house explodin' all over again every +few minutes an' things as you never have around comin' sailin' out o' +the windows right in people's faces when they was only there to be +neighborly an' look on. She was runnin' back an' forth an' explainin' as +it was n't for want o' stirrin', for she stirred it herself, when Sam +Duruy come runnin' an' seems there's always another hose tied up under +the engine an' he unhooked that an' John Bunyan built a fire in the hole +for fire while they fixed the new hose in the cistern, but oh my, the +house was too far gone to be saved by that time. So they pumped some on +Amelia just to try the hose, an' then they helped pick up the things as +was blowed out of the windows. Mrs. Brown says it was all most awful an' +she knows from her son's face as he thinks it was all because she +stopped stirrin' sometimes durin' the two hours an' she declares with +tears as she never stopped stirrin' once--not _once_. + +"Mrs. Fisher says the way people is sick from the smell shows as all the +flies they put in the rooms must of surely been killed, so the +experiment's a success in one way at least. Mrs. Fisher walked part way +home with me an' we had a nice talk about the Browns. She says the +Browns is most amusin' always in the ways they use flies; she says when +young Dr. Brown was little, Mrs. Brown used to put a fly in the +sugar-box when she went down to the square for things so she could tell +when she come back whether he'd been at the sugar, an' so let the fly +out. She says young Dr. Brown cured her o' that happy thought by takin' +the fly out himself when she was down town one time an' puttin' a mad +bee in instead. She says she guesses Dr. Brown has given her many a +little lesson like that or he'd never be able to keep her stirrin' +anythin' as smells for two hours." + +"Where--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, the Fitches took Amelia an' her husband of course an' Mrs. Brown +is goin' over to Meadville to-morrow. Mrs. Macy says maybe old Dr. +Carter will marry her now as she ain't got any house to be attached to. +I don't see why that would n't be a good end for Mrs. Brown, she can +step right into Mrs. Carter's shoes--an' her clothes, too, for that +matter, for he never give away a thing when she died. Yes, he did, too, +though, she wanted her nieces to have a souvenir an' he give one the +waist an' the other the skirt to the same dress, but Mrs. Fisher says +what he would n't give away to no man for love or money was all her +union underwear for winter. Seems she always wore the best an' finest, +an' when she died Dr. Carter said he'd keep all them union suits an' +wear 'em out himself." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, an' I would n't either," said Miss Clegg; "there would n't be no +comfort marryin' a man whose first wife could n't call even her union +suits her own after she died, not to my order of thinkin'." + +"Was--" asked her friend. + +"Oh, the picnic?" said Susan, "no, that was n't a success a _tall_. They +spread the tablecloth over a flyin' ant nest in the first place an' Mrs. +Macy says shad bones is nothin' to the pickin' out as they had to do +while eatin' as a consequence. She says they very soon found out as they +was under a wood-tick tree too, an' the children run into a burr-patch +after dinner. The minister tried to teach the twins to fish an' the bank +caved in with 'em all three, an' the minister had to go all the way home +that way. Gran'ma Mullins got a gnat in her eye an' Hiram walked way +back to town for a flaxseed to put in it to get the gnat out, an' +crossin' the bridge he sneezed an' the flaxseed just disappeared +completely, an' Lucy would n't let him go back again, so all she could +do was to keep a-rubbin' till finally she rubbed it out. Mr. Dill +climbed up a tree to show as he could still climb up a tree an' a branch +broke an' tore him so bad he had to walk home with the minister,--I +guess every one's glad the Fourth's over." + +"How's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Elijah? Oh, he went to town for the day. He says it's him for town when +there 's anythin' goin' on in the country. He come back lookin' like +he'd really enjoyed himself, but I was afraid he was goin' to have a +fever at first he talked so queer in his sleep that night an' began all +his sentences with 'Here's to--' an' then stopped in a most curious way. +I was very much relieved when I see him come downstairs the next +mornin', only his appetite ain't what it was yet." + +"May--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, I don't think so. There ain't any one for him to be in love with +anyhow unless it's 'Liza Em'ly. He's really too smart for any girl in +this community an' he ain't got a single picture among his things nor a +letter as I don't know who wrote it. I thought at first as he used to +call 'Annie' in his sleep the nights after we have dumplin's, but it +ain't 'Annie' he says; it's 'Aunty,' an' heaven knows a aunt never broke +no man's heart yet." + +Susan rose to go home. + +"I'm glad the Fourth's over, anyway," she said as she took up her +parasol and mitts. "I think it's always a great strain on the country, +but even if no one never likes it nor enjoys it, I suppose we must keep +on havin' it with us year after year, for Elijah says as, as a nation, +we're so proud o' bein' ahead o' everythin' an' everybody, that we'll +die afore we'll go on one step further. He says what's one day o' terror +a year beside the idea as we're free to do as we please. Gran'ma Mullins +says all she can say is as she thanks God for every Fourth o' July as +leaves Hiram whole, for he's the only apple she's got for her eye an' +she'd go stark ravin' mad if anythin' was to tear him apart in the dream +of his youth." + +"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously. + +"Well, I can't stop to see if I did or did n't now," said Miss Clegg; +"to-night's my last evenin' with Elijah an' I told him to be sure an' be +home early. We'll try an' part pleasantly even though I should be mighty +mad at him if I thought as he was half as glad to go as I am to get rid +of him. I don't like the ways of a man in the house, Mrs. Lathrop,--they +seem to act like they thought you enjoyed havin' 'em around. I can't see +where they ever got the idea in the first place, but it certainly does +seem to stick by 'em most wonderful." + +"There--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +Susan turned her head. + +"Yes, that's him comin'," she said; "well, now I must go, Mrs. Lathrop. +I'll come over to-morrow an' tell you when I'm free of him, bag an' +baggage." + +"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--" + +"Yes, I do, too," said Miss Clegg, "but you see I said for three months +an' the three months ain't up till to-morrow." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +EXIT THE MAN OUT OF SUSAN CLEGG'S HOUSE + + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, coming over the evening after, +weary but triumphant, "Elijah is gone an' I tell you I'll never be too +tender-hearted for my own good again. I won't say but what it was me an' +nobody else as brought him down on my own head, but I must fully an' +freely state as it's certainly been me an' no one else as has had to +hold my own head up under him. An' he _has_ been a load! + +"Why, Mrs. Lathrop, do you know that man's stockin's alone has took me +about one mornin' a week, an' as to buttons--well, I never knew a editor +could bu'st 'em off so fast. An' as to puttin' away what he took off, or +foldin' back things into the drawer where they belongs, why, a monkey +swingin' upside down by his tail is busy carefully keepin' house +compared to Elijah Doxey. + +"I never see such a man afore! If Hiram's anythin' like him I don't +blame Lucy for battin' him about as she does. I did n't suppose such +ways could be lived with in oneself. An' that table where he wrote! +Well! I tell you I've got it cleared off to-night an' my clean curtains +folded off on it, an' no man never sets foot on it again, I can tell you +_that_. + +"I won't say as it wa'n't a little tryin' gettin' him off to-day an' I +did feel to feel real sober while I was hangin' his mattress back to the +rafters in the attic, but when I remembered as I'd never see them +bedclothes kicked out at the foot again I cheered up amazin'. Mrs. Brown +come in just afore supper an' she seemed to think it was some queer as I +was n't goin' to miss Elijah, but I told her she did n't know me. 'Mrs. +Brown,' I says, 'your son was a doctor an' you can't be expected to +know what it is to board a editor, so once bit, soonest mended. She's +mournin' over her burnt house yet, so she could n't really feel to +sympathize with me, but I had n't time to stop an' mourn with her,--I +was too busy packin' away Elijah's toilet set. + +"He got a good deal of ink around the room, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I shall +make Mr. Kimball give me a bottle of ink-remover free, seein' as he's +his nephew; but I don't see as he done any other real damage. I looked +the room over pretty sharp an' I can't find nothin' wrong with it. I +shall burn a sulphur candle in there to-morrow an' then wash out the +bureau drawers an' I guess then as the taste of Elijah'll be pretty well +out of my mouth. + +"I'm sure I don't know what we're comin' to as to men, Mrs. Lathrop, for +I must say they seem more extra in the world every day. Most everythin' +as they do the women is able to do better now, an' women is so willin' +to be pleasant about it, too. Not as Elijah was n't pleasant--I never +see a more pleasant young man, but he had a way of comin' in with muddy +boots an' a smile on his face as makes me nothin' but glad as he's left +my house an' gone to Polly White's." + +"Won't you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"No, I won't,--not if I know myself. I ain't never been lonesome afore +in my life an' I ain't goin' to begin now. Bein' lonesome is very fine +for them as keeps a girl to do their work, but I have to slave all day +long if there's anybody but me around the house, an' I don't like to +slave. I guess Elijah's expectin' to be lonesome though, for he asked me +if I'd mind his comin' up an' talkin' over the Personal column with me +sometimes. I could see as he was more'n a little worried over how under +the sun he was goin' to run the paper without me. As a matter of fact, +Mrs. Lathrop, I've been the main stay of that paper right from the +first. Not to speak o' boardin' the editor, I've supplied most o' the +brains as run it. You know as I never am much of a talker, but I did +try to keep Elijah posted as to how things was goin' on an' the feelin' +as no matter what I said, it was him an' not me as would be blamed if +there was trouble, always kept up my courage. There's a many nights as +I've kept him at his work an' a many others as I've held him down to it. +Elijah has n't been a easy young man to manage, I can tell you." + +Susan stopped and sighed. + +"I like to think how he's goin' to miss me now," she said, "I made him +awful comfortable. Polly'll never do all the little things as I did. +It's a great satisfaction when a man leaves your house, Mrs. Lathrop, to +know as he'll be bound to wish himself back there many an' many time." + +"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Oh, I'll find plenty to do," said Susan Clegg, "it ain't made a mite of +difference in my life. I shall go on livin' just the same as ever. +Nothin's changed for me just because for three months I had a man in +the house. I ain't even altered my general views o' men any, for land +knows Elijah wa'n't so different from the rest of them that he could +teach me much as is new. I ain't never intended to get married anyway, +so he ain't destroyed my ideals none, an' I told Mr. Kimball when I took +him as I'd agree to keep him three months an' I would n't agree for love +or money to keep him any longer, an' I've kept him for three months an' +no love or money could of made me keep him a day longer." + +"Did n't you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Why, yes, I liked him," said Susan, "there were spots durin' the time +when I felt to be real fond of him, but laws, that did n't make me want +to have him around any more than I had to. But you know as well as I do +that a woman can like a man very much an' still be happiest when she +ain't got him on her hands to fuss with. I was n't built to fuss, Mrs. +Lathrop, as you know to your cost, for if I had been I'd of been over +here two days a week tidyin' up out of pure friendship, for the last +twenty years. But no, I ain't like that--never was an' never will +be--an' I ain't one to go pitchin' my life hither an' yon an' dancin' +wildly first on one leg an' then the other from dawn to dusk for other +people. Elijah's come an' Elijah's gone an' his mattress is hung back to +the rafter in the attic an' his sulphur candle is all bought to burn +to-morrow an' when that's over an' the smell's over too I shall look to +settle down an' not have nothin' more to upset my days an' nights till +your time comes, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I hope to goodness as it won't come +in the night, for boardin' a editor has put me all at outs with night +work." + +"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Well, if you say so, I'll believe it," said Miss Clegg; "for I will say +this for you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is as with all your faults you've +never yet told me nothin' as I've found out from others afterwards was +n't true." + + + + +_A Masterpiece of Native Humor_ + +SUSAN CLEGG AND HER + +FRIEND MRS. LATHROP + + +By ANNE WARNER + +Author of "A Woman's Will," etc. + + +With Frontispiece. 227 pages. 12mo. $1.00. + + +It is seldom a book so full of delightful humor comes before the reader. +Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists, +who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years.--_Brooklyn +Eagle_. + +Nothing better in the new homely philosophy style of fiction has been +written.--_San Francisco Bulletin_. + +Anne Warner has given us the rare delight of a book that is extremely +funny. Hearty laughter is in store for every reader.--_Philadelphia +Public Ledger_. + +Susan is a positive contribution to the American characters in +fiction.--_Brooklyn Times_. + +Susan Clegg is a living creature, quite as amusing and even more +plausible than Mrs. Wiggs. Susan's human weaknesses are endearing, and +we find ourselves in sympathy with her.--_New York Evening Post_. + +No more original or quaint person than she has ever lived in +fiction.--_Newark Advertiser_. + +LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON + +_At all Booksellers'_ + + + + +_Another Popular "Susan Clegg" Book_ + +SUSAN CLEGG AND + +HER NEIGHBORS' AFFAIRS + + +_By_ ANNE WARNER + +With frontispiece. 12mo. Cloth, $1.00 + + +All the stories brim over with quaint humor, caustic sarcasm, and +concealed contempt for male folk and matrimonial chains.--_Philadelphia +Ledger_. + +Anything more humorous than the "Susan Clegg" stories would be hard to +find.--Jeannette L. Gilder, Editor of _Putnam's Magazine_. + +The best work that Anne Warner has published. Miss Clegg has become an +institution in the humor of America.--_Baltimore Sun_. + +Her "Susan Clegg" stories, rich in pungent humor and extremely clever in +their portrayal of quaint and amusing character, deserve a place among +the choice specimens of American humorous literature--which means the +best humorous literature in the world.--_New York Times_. + +Sure to be welcomed by that large class of readers who found in "Susan +Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop" one of the most genuinely humorous +books ever written by a woman on this side of the Atlantic.--_St. Louis +Globe-Democrat_. + +LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers + +254 Washington Street. Boston + + + + +_A New Story by the Author of "Susan Clegg"_ + + +THE REJUVENATION + +OF AUNT MARY + +By ANNE WARNER + +Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop," "A Woman's Will," +etc. + +With four full page illustrations. + +12mo. Decorated cloth, $1.50. + +This very clever and original story by the creator of "Susan Clegg" will +add materially to her reputation as a writer of popular fiction. "Aunt +Mary" and her adventures in New York are simply delicious; and her +nephew, Jack, and his college friends, who personally conduct her +through the metropolis, are brimful of brightness and humor. A pretty +love story runs through the book. "Aunt Mary's" magazine debut delighted +thousands of readers, and the publication of the story in a more +permanent form, with new chapters, and scenes, will increase her +popularity. + +Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists, +who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years.--_Brooklyn +Eagle_. + +Anne Warner is not only a funmaker but adds to that the quality of +sympathy with her characters.--_Public Opinion_. + +LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON + +_At all Booksellers'_ + + + + +_An International Love Comedy_ + +A WOMAN'S WILL + +By ANNE WARNER + +Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop." + +It is a relief to take up a volume so absolutely free from +stressfulness. The love-making is passionate, the humor of much of the +conversation is thoroughly delightful. The book is as refreshing a bit +of fiction as one often finds; there is not a dull page in +it.--_Providence Journal_. + +It is bright, charming, and intense as it describes the wooing of a +young American widow on the European Continent by a German musical +genius.--_San Francisco Chronicle_. + +A deliciously funny book.--_Chicago Tribune_. + +There is a laugh on nearly every page.--_New York Times_. + +Most decidedly an unusual story. The dialogue is nothing if not +original, and the characters are very unique. There is something +striking on every page of the book.--_Newark Advertiser_. + +A more vivacious light novel could not be found.--_Chicago +Record-Herald_. + +Illustrated by I. H. Caliga. 360 pages. 12mo. + +Decorated cloth, $1.50. + +LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON + +_At all Booksellers'_ + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE *** + +***** This file should be named 22872.txt or 22872.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/8/7/22872/ + +Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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