309 files changed, 18383 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/22872-8.txt b/22872-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..46fcfad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,5240 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Susan Clegg and a Man in the House
+
+Author: Anne Warner
+
+Illustrator: Alice Barber Stephens
+
+Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "'He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.'" FRONTISPIECE(_See
+page 21._)]
+
+
+
+
+                      Susan Clegg
+                 And a Man in the House
+
+
+                          BY
+                      ANNE WARNER
+
+
+  Author of "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop,"
+       "A Woman's Will," "The Rejuvenation of
+             Aunt Mary," "Seeing France
+                with Uncle John," etc.
+
+
+          _Illustrated from Drawings by_
+                 ALICE BARBER STEPHENS
+
+
+                       Boston
+             Little, Brown, and Company
+                        1907
+
+_Copyright, 1906_,
+By Katharine N. Birdsall
+
+_Copyright, 1907_,
+By The Butterick Company, Ltd.
+
+_Copyright, 1907_,
+By Little, Brown, and Company
+
+_All rights reserved_
+
+
+Published October, 1907
+
+GRIFFITH-STILLINGS PRESS, BOSTON, MASS., U.S.A.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAPTER                                     PAGE
+
+I. Man's Proposal                              1
+
+II. Elijah Doxey and His Locked Box           20
+
+III. The First Issue of the Newspaper         32
+
+IV. Settling down after the Honeymoon         43
+
+V. Susan Clegg's Full Day                     64
+
+VI. The Editor's Advice Column                85
+
+VII. Mrs. Macy and the Convention             98
+
+VIII. The Biennial                           113
+
+IX. The Far Eastern Tropics                  128
+
+X. The Evils of Delayed Decease              142
+
+XI. The Democratic Party                     156
+
+XII. The Trials of Mrs. Macy                 168
+
+XIII. Monotony of Ministerial Monologues     200
+
+XIV. Advisability of Newspaper Exposures     212
+
+XV. The Trial of a Sick Man in the
+House                                        223
+
+XVI. The Beginning of the End                235
+
+XVII. An Old-fashioned Fourth                251
+
+XVIII. Celebrating Independence Day          261
+
+XIX. Exit the Man out of Susan Clegg's
+House                                        273
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+"'He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.'" _Frontispiece_
+
+                                            PAGE
+
+"'A lady come up, looked at my flag,
+an' asked me if I was a delegate
+or an alternative'"                          119
+
+"'Mrs. Macy was just about plum
+paralyzed at _that_'"                        179
+
+"'The bottom come out an' the duck
+flew down the car'"                          188
+
+
+
+
+Susan Clegg And a Man in the House
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+MAN'S PROPOSAL
+
+
+Susan Clegg had dwelt alone ever since her father's death. She had not
+been unhappy in dwelling alone, although she had been a good daughter as
+long as she had a parent to live with. When the parent departed, and
+indeed some few days before his going, there had arisen a kind of a
+question as to the possibility of a life-companion for the daughter who
+must inevitably be left orphaned and lonely before long. The question
+had arisen in a way highly characteristic of Miss Clegg and had been
+disposed of in the same manner.[A] The fact is that Miss Clegg had
+herself proposed to four men and been refused four times. Then her
+father had died, and, upon the discovery that he was better endowed with
+worldly wealth than folks had generally supposed, all four had hastened
+to bring a return suit at once. But Miss Clegg had also had her mind
+altered by the new discovery and refused them all. From that time to
+this period of which I am about to write there had never been any
+further question in her mind as to the non-advisability of having a man
+in the house.
+
+[A] See "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."
+
+"As far as I can see," she said confidentially to her friend, Mrs.
+Lathrop, who lived next door, "men are not what they are cracked up to
+be. There ain't but one woman as looks happy in this whole community and
+that's Mrs. Sperrit, an' she looks so happy that at first glance she
+looks full as much like a fool as anythin'. The minister's wife don't
+look happy,--she looks a deal more like somethin' a cat finds an' lugs
+home for you to brush up,--an' goodness knows Mrs. Fisher don't look
+happy an' she ain't happy neither, for she told me herself yesterday as
+since Mr. Fisher had got this new idea of developin' his chest with
+Japanese Jimmy Jig-songs, an' takin' a cold plunge in the slop jar every
+mornin', that life hadn't been worth livin' for the wall paper in her
+room. She ain't got no sympathy with chest developin' an' Japanese
+jiggin' an' she says only to think how proud she was to marry the prize
+boy at school an' look at what's come of it. She asked me if I hear
+about his goin' to town the other day an' buyin' a book on how to make
+your hair grow by pullin' it out as fast as it comes in, an' then
+gettin' on the train, an' gettin' to readin' on to how to make your
+eyebrows grow by pullin' them out, too, an' not noticin' that they'd
+unhooked his car an' left it behind, until it got too dark to read any
+further--"
+
+"Why, what--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, who was the best of listeners, and
+never interjectional except under the highest possible pressure of
+curiosity.
+
+"There was n't nothin' for him to do except to put his thumb in at the
+place where the eyebrows was, an' get down out of the car, an' then she
+told me, would you believe that with her an' John Bunyan in their second
+hour of chasin' around like a pair of crazy cockroaches because he was
+n't on the city train when he said he'd come, he very calmly went up to
+a hotel an' took a room for the night? An' she says that ain't the worst
+of it whatever you may think, for he was so interested in the book that
+he wanted to keep right on readin', an' as the light was too high an' he
+had n't no way to lower it, he just highered himself by puttin' a
+rockin'-chair (yes, Mrs. Lathrop, a rockin'-chair!) on the center table,
+an' there he sit rockin' an' readin' until he felt to go to bed. She
+says, would n't that drive a good wife right out beside her own mind? To
+think of a man like Mr. Fisher rockin' away all night on top of a table
+an' never even gettin' a scare. Why, she says you know an' I know that
+if he'd been the husband of a poor widow or the only father of a
+deserving family, of course he'd have rocked off an' goodness knows
+what, but bein' as he was _her_ husband with a nice life insurance an'
+John Bunyan wild to go to college, he needs must strike the one rocker
+in the world as is hung true, an' land safe an' sound in her sorrowin'
+arms the next mornin'! Oh my, but she says, the shock she got! They was
+so sure that somethin' had happened to him that she an' John had planned
+a little picnic trip to the city to leave word with the police first an'
+visit the Zoölogical Gardens after. Well, she says, maybe you can judge
+of their feelin's when they was waitin' all smiles an' sunshine for
+their train, with a nice lunch done up under John's arm, an' he got down
+from the other train without no preparation a _tall_. She said she done
+all she could under the circumstances, for she burst out cryin' in spite
+of herself, an' cryin' is somethin' as always fits in handy anywhere,
+an' then she says they had nothin' in the wide world to do but to go
+home an' explain away the hard-boiled eggs for dinner the best they
+could. She says she hopes the Lord'll forgive her for He knows better
+than she ever will what she ever done to have Mr. Fisher awarded to her
+as her just and lawful punishment these last five and twenty years; an',
+she says, will you only think how awful easy, as long as he got on the
+table of his own free will an' without her even puttin' him up to it, it
+would have been for him to of rocked off an' goodness knows what. She
+says she is a Christian, an' she don't wish even her husband any ill
+wind, but she did frighten me, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I wanted to speak out
+frank an' open to you about it because a man in the house _is_ a man in
+the house, an' I want to take men into very careful consideration before
+I go a step further towards lettin one have the right to darken my doors
+whenever he comes home to bed an' board--"
+
+Mrs. Lathrop quite jumped in her chair at this startling finale to her
+neighbor's talk and her little black eyes gleamed brightly.
+
+"Bed and bo--" she cried.
+
+"He'll have father's room, if I take him, of course," said Susan, "but I
+ain't sure yet that I'll take him. You know all I stood with father,
+Mrs. Lathrop, an' I don't really know as I can stand any more sad
+memories connected with that room. You know how it was with Jathrop
+yourself, too, an' how happy and peaceful life has been since he lit
+out, an' I ain't sure that--My heavens alive! I forgot to tell you that
+Mr. Dill thought he saw Jathrop in the city when he was up there
+yesterday!"
+
+"Saw Ja--" screamed Mrs. Lathrop. Jathrop was her son who had fled from
+the town some years before, his departure being marked by peculiarly
+harrowing circumstances, and of whom or from whom she had never heard
+one word since.
+
+"Mr. Dill was n't sure," said Susan; "he said the more he thought about
+it the more sure he was that he was n 't sure a _tall_. He saw the man
+in a seed-office where he went to buy some seed, an' he said if it _was_
+Jathrop he's took another name because another name was on the office
+door. He said what made him think as it was Jathrop was he jumped so
+when he see Mr. Dill. Mr. Dill said he was helpin' himself out of a box
+of cigars an' his own idea was as he jumped because they was n't his
+cigars. Jathrop give Mr. Dill one cigar an' when he thanked him he said,
+'Don't mention it,' an' to my order of thinkin' that proves as they was
+n't his cigars, for if they was his cigars why under heaven should he
+have minded Mr. Dill's mentionin' it? Mr. Dill said another reason as
+made him think as it was Jathrop was as he never asked about you,--but
+then if he was n't Jathrop he naturally would n't have asked about you
+either. Mr. Dill said he was n't sure, Mr. Dill said he was n't a bit
+sure, Mr. Dill said it was really all a mystery to him, but two things
+he _could_ swear to, an' one of those was as this man is a full head
+taller than Jathrop an' the other was as he's a Swede, so I guess it's
+pretty safe not to be him."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop collapsed limply. Susan went on with her tale as calmly as
+ever.
+
+"You see, Mrs. Lathrop, it's like this. I told Mr. Kimball I'd think it
+over an' consult you before I give him any answer a _tall_. I could see
+he did n't want to give me time to think it over or to consult you for
+fear I'd change my mind, but when you ain't made up your mind, changin'
+it is easy, an' I never was one to hurry myself an' I won't begin now.
+Hurryin' leads to swallowin' fish-bones an' tearin' yourself on nails
+an' a many other things as makes me mad, an' I won't hurry now an' I
+won't hurry never. I shall take my own time, an' take my own time about
+takin' it, too, an' Mr. Kimball nor no other man need n't think he can
+ask me things as is more likely to change my whole life than not to
+change it, an' suppose I'm goin' to answer him like it was n't no
+greater matter than a sparrow hoppin' his tail around on a fence. I
+ain't no sparrow nor no spring chicken neither an' I don't intend to
+decide my affairs jumpin' about in a hurry, no, not even if you was
+advisin' me the same as Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know how much
+I think of your advice even if you have yet to give me the first piece
+as I can see my way to usin', for I will say this for your advice, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' that is that advice as is easier left untook than yours is,
+never yet was given."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop opened her mouth in a feeble attempt to rally her forces,
+but long before they were rallied Susan was off again:
+
+"I don't know, I'm sure, whether what I said to Mr. Kimball in the end
+was wise or not. I did n't say right out as I would, but I said I would
+maybe for a little while. I thought a little while would give me the
+inside track of what a long while would be pretty sure to mean. I don't
+know as it was a good thing to do but it's done now, so help me Heaven;
+an' if I can't stand him I always stand by my word, so he'll get three
+months' board anyhow an' I'll learn a little of what it would mean to
+have a man in the house."
+
+"A man in--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, recovering herself sufficiently to
+illustrate her mental attitude by what in her case always answered the
+purposes of a start.
+
+"That's what I said," said Susan, "an' havin' said it Mr. Kimball can
+rely on Elijah Doxey's bein' sure to get it now."
+
+"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, again upheaved.
+
+"Elijah Doxey," repeated Susan. "That's his name. I ain't surprised over
+your bein' surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, 'cause I was all dumb did up myself
+at first. I never was more dumb or more did up since I was a baby, but
+after the way as Mr. Kimball sprung shock after shock on me last night I
+got so paralyzed in the end that his name cut very little figger beside
+our havin' a newspaper of our own, right here in our midst, an' me
+havin' the editor to board an' him bein' Mr. Kimball's nephew, an' Mr.
+Kimball havin' a nephew as was a editor, an' Mr. Kimball's never havin'
+seen fit to mention the fact to any of us in all these many years as
+we've been friends on an' off an' us always buyin' from him whenever we
+was n't more friends with Mr. Dill."
+
+"I nev--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, nor no one else ever heard of him neither. The first of it all was
+when he came up last night to see would I board him, an' of course when
+I understood as it was me as was goin' to have to take him in I never
+rested till I knowed hide an' hair of who I was to take in down to the
+last button on Job's coat."
+
+"And wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I'll tell you all I found out myself; an' I tell you I worked
+hard findin' it out too, for Mr. Kimball is no windmill to pump when it
+comes to where he gets relations from. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as he had a
+sister though as married a Doxey an' that's the why of Elijah Doxey.
+Seems Elijah is so smart that he'll be offered a place on one of the
+biggest city papers in a little while, but in the mean time he's just
+lost the place that he did have on one of the smallest ones an', as a
+consequence, his mother thought he'd better spend this summer in the
+country an' so sent him up to Mr. Kimball. Mr. Kimball said he really
+did n't sense all it meant at first when Elijah arrived at noon
+yesterday but he said he had n't talked with him long afore he see as
+this was our big chance 'cause the paper as Elijah was on paid him off
+with a old printin' press, an' Mr. Kimball says, if we back him up, we
+can begin right now to have a paper of our own an' easy get to be what
+they call a 'state issue.' It's easy seen as Mr. Kimball is all ready to
+be a state issue; he says the printin' press is a four horse-power an'
+he's sure as he can arrange for Hiram Mullins to work the wringer the
+day he goes to press. Mr. Kimball says he's positive that Hiram 'll
+regard it as nothin' but child's play to wring off his grocery bill that
+way. I don't know what Gran'ma Mullins will say to that--or Lucy either
+for that matter--but Mr. Kimball's so sure that he knows best that I see
+it was n't no time to pull Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy in by the ears. Mr.
+Kimball says he's been turnin' it over in his mind's eye ever since
+yesterday when he first see Elijah. He says Elijah is just mad with
+ideas an' says he 's willin' to make us known far an' wide if we'll only
+give him a chance. Mr. Kimball says we all ought to feel ready to admit
+that it's time we was more than a quarter of a column a week in the
+_Meadville Mixture_. He says the _Meadville Mixture_ ain't never been
+fair to us an' Judge Fitch says it ain't got right views as to its
+foreign policy. Mr. Kimball says that after Elijah went back to town
+yesterday afternoon he went up to Judge Fitch's office an' Judge Fitch
+said if we had a paper of our own he'd be more than willin' to write a
+editorial occasionally himself, a editorial as would open the
+president's eyes to the true hiddenness of things, an' set the German
+emperor to thinkin', an' give the czar some insight into what America
+knows about _him_.
+
+"Mr. Kimball says this is the day of consolidation an' if we had a paper
+the Cherry Ponders an' all the Clightville people'd naturally join in
+an' take it too. He says he's figured that if he can start out with a
+hundred paid-up subscribers of a dollar each he can make a go of it. He
+says Elijah says set him up the press an' _he_ don't ask no better fun
+than to live on bread an' water while he jumps from peak to peak of
+fame, but Mr. Kimball says Elijah's young an' limber an' he shall want
+the paid-up subscriptions himself afore he begins to transport a
+printin' press around the country.
+
+"I told him he could count on you an' me takin' one between us before I
+knowed what was really the main object of his visit, an' then when he
+come out with what _was_ the main object of his visit, an' when I sensed
+what he was after I must say I considered as he should have made that
+his first word an' give me my paper for nothin',--seein' as the whole of
+the thing is got to rest right on me, for I don't know what _is_ the
+bottom of a newspaper if it ain't the woman as boards the editor. Yes,
+Mrs. Lathrop, that's my view in a nutshell, the more so as Mr. Kimball
+openly says as Elijah Doxey says he's a genius an' can't live in any
+house where there's other folks or any noise but his own. Mr. Kimball
+said it seemed as if a good angel had made me for the town to turn to in
+its bitter need an' that it was on me as the new newspaper would have to
+build its reputation in its first sore strait; an' he said too as he
+would in confidence remark as my influence on Elijah's ideas would be
+what he should be really lookin' to to make the paper a success, for he
+says as Elijah is very young an' will be wax in my hands an' I can mold
+him an' public opinion right along together. He said he really did n't
+look for him to be any great trouble to feed because he'd be out pickin'
+up items most of the time, an' then too, he says he can always give him
+a handful of his new brand of dried apples as is advertised to be most
+puffin' an' fillin'; why, do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, he told me as he'd
+developed the process now to where if you eat two small pieces you feel
+like you never wanted another Thanksgivin' dinner as long as you live."
+
+"And so--" asked Mrs. Lathrop eagerly, Susan pausing an instant for
+breath just here.
+
+"Well, in the end I said I would, for three months. I don't know as I
+was wise, but I thought it was maybe my duty for three months. I'm tired
+of seein' the Clightville folks called 'Glimpses' an' us called 'Dabs'
+in that _Meadville Mixture_, an' last week you remember how they spelt
+it wrong an' called us 'Dubs,' which is far from my idea of politeness.
+It was being mad over that as much as anythin' that made me up an' tell
+Mr. Kimball as I'd take Elijah an' take care of him an' look to do what
+I could to make the paper a success for three months. I told him as it
+was trustin' in the dark, for Elijah was a unknown quantity to me an' I
+never did like the idea of a man around my nice, clean house, but I said
+if he'd name the Meadville items the 'Mud Spatters' an' so get even for
+our feelin's last week I'd do my part by feedin' him an' makin' up his
+bed mornin's. Mr. Kimball said I showed as my heart an' my brains was
+both in the right place, an' then he got up an' shook hands an' told me
+as he would in confidence remark as he expected to make a very good
+thing all round for he was gettin' the printin' press awful cheap and
+Elijah likewise."
+
+"When--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Next Wednesday. Elijah's comin' up freight with the printin' press.
+Mr. Kimball says he suggested that himself. He says it cuts two birds
+with one knife for it makes it look as if the printin' press was extra
+fine instead of second-hand, an' it gets Elijah here for nothin'."
+
+"Dear--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I would, too," said Miss Clegg, "only you see I have n't got time. I
+ought not to be here now. I ought to be over gettin' his room ready an'
+takin' out the little comforts. As far as my order of thinkin' goes,
+little comforts is lost on men, Mrs. Lathrop, they always trip over them
+an' smash them in the dark."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+ELIJAH DOXEY AND HIS LOCKED BOX
+
+
+"Well," suggested Mrs. Lathrop one pleasant Saturday morning, a few days
+later, when she and her friend met at the fence. Miss Clegg looked
+slightly fretted and more than slightly warm, for she had been giving
+her garden an uncommonly vigorous weeding on account of an uncommonly
+vigorous shower which had fallen the afternoon before. The weeding had
+been so strenuous that Miss Clegg was quite disposed to stop and rest,
+and as she joined her neighbor and read the keen interest that never
+failed to glow in the latter's eyes, her own expression softened
+slightly and she took up her end of the conversation with her customary
+capability at giving forth.
+
+"I don't know," she began, "an' Mr. Kimball don't know either. Elijah
+was tellin' me all about it last night. He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop,
+but I don't know but what it pays to have a man around when you can have
+them to talk to like I have him. Of course a new broom sweeps clean an'
+I've no intention of supposin' that Elijah will ever keep on coverin'
+his soap an' scrapin' his feet long, but so far so good, an' last night
+it was real pleasant to hear the rain an' him together tellin' how much
+trouble they're havin', owin' to Hiram's bein' too energetic wringin'
+the handle of the printin' press an' then to think as when he was all
+done talkin' it would be him an' not me as in common decency would have
+to go out in the wet to padlock the chickens. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as
+they're really havin' no end o' trouble over the new paper an' Elijah's
+real put out. He says Hiram had a idea as the more the speed the better
+the paper an' was just wringin' for dear life, an' the first thing he
+knew the first issue begin to slide a little cornerways an' slid off
+into a crank as Elijah never knowed was there, an' him an' Mr. Kimball
+spent the whole of yesterday runnin' around like mad an' no way to fix
+it. As a consequence Elijah's very much afraid as there'll be no paper
+this week an' it's too bad, for every one is in town spendin' the day
+an' waitin' to take it home with them. Young Dr. Brown is goin' to feel
+just awful 'cause he'd bought twenty-five papers to mail to all his
+college class. There was goin' to be a item about him, an' Mrs. Brown
+says it was goin' to be a good one for she fed Elijah mince pie while he
+made his notes for it an' had Amelia play on her guitar, too."
+
+"What do you--?" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I can't say as I really know _what_ to think of him just yet. I
+never see such a young man afore. He has some very curious ways, Mrs.
+Lathrop, ways as make me feel that I can't tell you positively what I
+do think. Now yesterday was the first day as I knowed he'd be gone for
+long, so I took it to go through all his things, an' do you know, away
+down at the bottom of one of his trunks I found a box as was locked an'
+no key anywhere. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I hunted, an' I hunted, an' I
+hunted, an' I couldn't find that key a _tall_. I never had any thin' of
+that kind in my house afore an' of course I ain't goin' to give up
+without a good deal more lookin', but if I can't find that key it'll
+prove beyond a shadow of a doubt as Elijah Doxey ain't of a trustin'
+nature an' if that's true I don't know how I ever _will_ be able to get
+along with him. A trustin' nature is one thing to have around an' a
+distrustin' nature is another thing, an' I can tell you that there's
+somethin' about feelin' as you ain't trusted as makes me take my hands
+right out of my bread dough an' go straight upstairs to begin lookin'
+for that key again. The more I hunt the wilder I get, for it's a very
+small box for a man to keep locked, an' it ain't his money or jewelry
+for it don't rattle when you shake it. It's too bad for me to feel so
+because in most other ways he's a very nice young man, although I will
+say as sunset is midnight compared to his hair."
+
+"Do--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Then too, he said yesterday," Miss Clegg continued, "as he wanted it
+distinctly understood as his things was never to be touched by no one
+an' I told him as he could freely an' frankly rely on me. Now that's
+goin' to make it a great deal more work to hunt for that key from now
+on. An' I don't like to have it made any harder work to find a thing, as
+I have n't found yet a _tall_."
+
+"Wh--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Not me," said Miss Clegg; "I ain't got any give-up in me. I'll keep on
+until I find it if I have to board Elijah Doxey till he dies or till I
+drop dead in my huntin' tracks. But I can see that my feelin' towards
+him is n't goin' to be what it might of been if he'd been frank an'
+open with me as I am with him an' every one else. He seems so frank an'
+open, too--in other ways than that box. He read his editorial aloud
+night afore last an' I must say it showed a real good disposition for he
+even wished the president well although he said as he knowed he was
+sometimes goin' to be obliged to maybe be a little bit hard on him. He
+said as plain speakin' an' to the purpose 'd be the very breath an'
+blast of the _Megaphone_ an' he should found it on truth, honor an' the
+great American people, an' carry Judge Fitch to congress on them lines.
+I thought as Judge Fitch would object to goin' to congress on any lines
+after all he's said about what he thought of congress in public, but
+Elijah says a new paper must have a standard, an' he asked Judge Fitch
+if he minded being nailed to ours, an' the judge said he did n't mind
+nothin' these degenerate days, so Elijah just up with him."
+
+"Did you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"See Mrs. Macy?--yes, I see her in the square yesterday noon. She was
+just back from Meadville. She says the editor of the _Meadville Mixture_
+is awful bitter over our havin' a paper of our own, an' says he'll cross
+tinfoils with Elijah any day. I told Elijah what she said last night,
+but Elijah did n't mind. I hoped tellin' him'd take his appetite away,
+but he ate eleven biscuits just the same. That reminds me as he's comin'
+home to dinner to-day, an' I ought to be goin' in."
+
+"Goo--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+--"But I'll come over after he goes an' tell you how the paper's comin'
+out," Susan added, as she turned from the fence; and as she was always
+true to her promises she did come over to Mrs. Lathrop's kitchen after
+dinner, wearing a clean apron and a new expression--an expression of
+mixed doubt and displeasure.
+
+Mrs. Lathrop hurried to give her a chair and make her welcome, and then
+took a chair herself and sat at attention.
+
+Susan began at once.
+
+"Well," she said, "it's a good thing as the Fishers are thinkin' some of
+sendin' John Bunyan to college, for he's surely a sight too smart for
+this town."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes in wide surprise, as it was certainly not
+about John Bunyan that she had expected to hear tales.
+
+"Elijah says as John Bunyan made them all feel pretty cheap down at the
+printin' press this mornin'," Miss Clegg went on: "seems the whole
+community was squeezin' into the back of Mr. Kimball's store to see what
+under the sun could be done to get the first paper out of the press,
+when all of a sudden John Bunyan spoke up an' asked why they did n't
+turn the handle backward an' empty the whole muss out that way. Well,
+every one see the sense of what he said right off, an' so they began,
+an' as soon as they began to turn the crank backward the paper began to
+come out backward, tore, of course, but as nice as pie.
+
+"Well, Elijah says he most thought his uncle was goin' to take his job
+as editor away and give it to John Bunyan right off, he was so pleased.
+But Mr. Kimball ain't the sort of uncle as Elijah so far supposes
+himself to of got, an' he only give John Bunyan fifty cents' worth of
+soda water tickets, an' they're to work to-night (if Lucy'll let Hiram),
+an' have the paper ready for church to-morrow. The Jilkins an' Sperrits
+was a little disapp'inted 'cause they was n't comin' in to church,
+countin' on stayin' home an' readin' the paper all day instead, but
+Elijah's goin' to put in a late column of late news an' give 'em their
+money's worth that way. Mr. Kimball had arranged to have one whole
+column of Ks to draw attention to his dried apples, an' he's goin' to
+give it up for the occasion an' let Elijah write a Extra about the cause
+of the delay, for that's really all the late news there is. Then, too,
+Elijah's goin' to have a joke about the paper's comin' in among us like
+a man goes into politics, kind of slidin' an' turnin' this way an'
+that, an' I must say I begin to find some of Elijah's ideas pretty
+bright. But my mind's taken a new turn on his subjeck from what he said
+at dinner, an' I will admit, Mrs. Lathrop, as I see now as I misjudged
+him in one way, for he come an' asked me while I was washin' up if I
+knowed any way to open a locked box without a key, for he could n't find
+the key to his flute box nowhere, an' when he was a little nervous
+nights he always wore it off practisin' on his flute. Well, Mrs.
+Lathrop, you can maybe imagine as learnin' as there was a flute in that
+box an' the key lost, an' him in the habit of playin' that flute nights,
+altered my views more 'n a little, an' I can tell you that I had to
+think pretty fast afore answerin' him. While I was thinkin' he said he
+had n't played since he was here, an' he was gettin' so wild to play he
+thought the best way would be to maybe pry the lock open. I see then as
+I'd got to come out firm an' I said I'd never consent to no young man
+in my house, spoilin' a good box like that an' maybe a fine flute too,
+just because he had n't got a little patience. He said I was right about
+its being a fine flute, an' he was just achin' to hear it an' blow it. I
+told him to let me hunt an' maybe I'd find the key, an' so he went off
+some soothed, an' now the Lord have mercy on you an' me, for Elijah
+Doxey never will from this day on. Will you only think of him bein'
+nervous an' playin' nights! It'll be worse than a tree-toad an' you know
+what a tree-toad is, Mrs. Lathrop,--I declare to goodness if Elijah acts
+like a tree-toad he'll drive me stark, ravin' mad."
+
+"Ca--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I don't see how I can," said Miss Clegg, dubiously. "I shall do my
+best, but, oh my, a young man as is a editor an' has red hair an' a
+flute is awful uncertain to count on. I almost wish I had n't took him."
+
+"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I can't now," said Miss Clegg, "the arrangements of this world is
+dreadful hard on women. It's very easy to take a man into your house but
+once a woman has done it an' the man's settled, nobody but a undertaker
+can get him out in any way as is respectable accordin' to my order of
+thinkin'."
+
+"But you--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop, comfortingly.
+
+"I know, but even three months is a long time," said Miss Clegg, "an'
+he's begun to leave his soap uncovered already, an' oh my heavens alive,
+how am I ever goin' to stand that flute!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE NEWSPAPER
+
+
+"I'll tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg the next Monday
+afternoon, "I ain't goin' to stay here so late but what I go home in
+time to make Elijah something hot an' comfortin' for supper to-night. I
+ain't any one to take sides, but I will say that my heart has gone out
+to that poor young man ever since I was down in the square this mornin'.
+I felt to be real glad as he'd took to-day to go up to the city, for I
+must say I'd of felt more'n a little sorry for him if he'd heard folks
+expressin' their opinion about his first paper."
+
+"Did he--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, he went to-day," said Miss Clegg. "He went on the early train an'
+one of the joys of havin' a man in the house was as I had to be up
+bright an' early to get him his breakfast. I must say I never thought
+about his wantin' early breakfast when I agreed to take him, but I'm not
+one to refuse to feed even a editor, so I cooked him cakes just the same
+as I would any one else."
+
+"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I guess maybe he heard things yesterday as made him feel as it'd
+be just as well to let folks have time to sizzle down some afore they
+looked on his bright an' shinin' face again. I tell you what, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I can see as runnin' a newspaper ain't an easy thing an' the
+town is really so up in arms to-day, that I really would of made waffles
+for Elijah to eat instead of just plain cakes, if I'd knowed when he got
+up how mad every one was at him. I can see since I've been down town
+to-day as the square was n't likely to have been no bed of roses for him
+yesterday. The whole community is mad as hornets over the paper. Why, I
+never see folks so mad over nothin' before. Nobody likes his puttin' his
+own name right under the paper's, an' Dr. Brown says the editor belongs
+on the inside, anyhow. Dr. Brown's most _awful_ mad 'cause Elijah's put
+his item right in with the advertisement of Lydia Finkham, an' he says
+he ain't nothin' as pretends to cure anythin' or everybody. He says he's
+a regular doctor as you have to take regular chances with an' he feels
+like suin' Elijah for slander. Gran'ma Mullins is mad, too, 'cause she
+was put in the personals an' Elijah went an' called her the 'Nestor of
+the crick,' without never so much as askin' by her leave. She says she
+ain't never done nothin' with the crick, an' if she ever nested anywhere
+it was in her own owned an' mortgaged house. Hiram says he'll punch
+Elijah if he ever refers to his mother's nestin' again, an' I guess
+Hiram feels kind of sore over Elijah's talkin' of his mother's nestin'
+when all the town knows how much he wishes as Lucy'd settle down and
+nest awhile instead of keepin' 'em all so everlastin'ly churned up. Mrs.
+Macy told me this mornin' as Lucy's whitewashin' the garret this week;
+she see the brush goin' 'round an' 'round the window on her side--she
+says it makes her bones ache just to live next door to Lucy's ways. She
+says they're so different from Gran'ma Mullins' ways. Gran'ma Mullins
+had n't had no whitewashin' done in twenty years--not since she rented
+the cottage of father. That's true an' I know it's true too because
+she's been askin' an' askin' me to have it done an' I said not by no
+means--so she's left off."
+
+"Did--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"The Jilkinses is real mad over the paper, too," Susan continued. "Seems
+as Elijah went an' called 'em the 'Chirpy Cherry Ponders,' an' Mrs.
+Jilkins says where he got the idea as either of 'em ever chirped in
+their lives she cannot conceive, for Mr. Jilkins ain't so much as peeped
+a good part of the time since they were married an' she says as for
+being chirpy, _she_ looks upon the word as city slang. But Judge Fitch
+is about the maddest of all! I did n't read what Elijah said about him
+but every one else did, an' he says he was willin' to run for congress
+for the good of his country, but to put him up in a editorial as says
+he'll be proud to come back from Washington as poor as he goes there, is
+a very poor way to put heart into any man's contest. He says if he's got
+to come back from Washington as poor as he goes he can't see no good an'
+sufficient reason for goin' a _tall_, for he won't gain nothin' an' will
+be out his car fare there an' back. He says he never heard of no one
+comin' back from Washington as poor as they went before, an' it was a
+thing as he supposed could n't be done till he found Elijah had booked
+him to do it. He says if that's what he's to up an' teach his country,
+he don't thank Elijah for advertisin' him as any such novelty an' he
+says he won't go to congress on any such terms--not while he knows
+himself. Mr. Kimball told me as he spoke to Elijah about it yesterday,
+an' Elijah said to him as it would be a strong plank for Judge Fitch to
+stand on in the middle of his platform, but Judge Fitch told Mr. Kimball
+as he could just tell his nephew frank an' open as that one plank in his
+platform had better be weak an' he'd take care to remember to step over
+it every time. He said he was just waitin' for a good chance to tell
+Elijah his opinion of him right to his face, an' he said as he should
+give him to understand as after this he must submit all other planks to
+_him_ afore he printed 'em. Mr. Kimball says that Judge Fitch said good
+gracious him, there would n't be no knowin' what he'd have to live up to
+next, if Elijah was n't reined in tighter. Judge Fitch says the old way
+is good enough for him when he goes to Washington.
+
+"But that ain't all the trouble there is. Mr. Fisher feels very much
+hurt at Elijah's writin' any editorial without consultin' him first. He
+says he told him as he could have give him a motto out of Shakespeare
+about layin' on an' dammin' as would have put life in the campaign right
+off at the beginnin'; an' then there's Mrs. Macy as thinks he was awful
+mean to call her one as carries weight anywhere; I'm sure I wish Elijah
+had let Mrs. Macy alone for she's worse than hornets over that remark of
+his. She says maybe Elijah'll go over two hundred an' fifty hisself some
+day, an' if he does he'll know as it's no joke. She bu'st her rocker
+last night when she read what he said about her, an' she says bu'stin' a
+rocker ought to show better than any words how mad it made her. My, she
+says, but she was mad! I told Elijah when he was gettin' up the paper as
+he'd better never say nothin' about nobody in it, but Elijah can't help
+being a man an' very like all men in consequence, an' he said as a paper
+was n't nothin' without personal items, an' he thought folks would
+enjoy being dished up tart an' spicy. I told him my views was altogether
+different. 'Elijah Doxey,' I says, 'you dish Meadville up tart an' spicy
+an' we'll all feel to enjoy, but you leave folks here alone.' But he
+didn't mind me an' now he's got a lesson as will maybe teach him to
+leave the armchairs of folks as is payin' for his paper unbu'sted
+henceforth."
+
+"Now--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, we get along pretty well," said Susan; "a man's a man, an' of
+course any house always is pleasanter without one in it, but I guess if
+you have to have one around Elijah's about as little bother as you could
+ask. I'm teachin' him to be real orderly in a hurry just by puttin' his
+things where he couldn't possibly find 'em if he leaves 'em layin'
+around. You always can manage pleasantly if you're smart, an' I'm smart.
+If he don't empty his basin, I don't fill his pitcher; if he's late to
+meals, I eat up all as is hot;--oh! there's lots of ways of gettin'
+along, an' I try 'em all turn an' turn about. If one don't work another
+is sure to, an' if he ever does have a wife it won't be my fault--I know
+that.
+
+"Mr. Kimball asked me this mornin' what I thought of him anyhow. Mr.
+Kimball says as Elijah says as he personally thinks this year is sent to
+fit him for suthin' demandin' backbone, an' so he'd ought to be resigned
+to anythin'. That didn't sound just polite to me to my order of thinkin'
+an' Gran'ma Mullins come back just then an' broke in an' said if Elijah
+was resigned she wasn't, an' she hoped he'd never come her way any more
+when he was out pickin' up items."
+
+"Is any one--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I don't know," said Miss Clegg, "I don't believe so. Even the minister
+is mad; I met him comin' home an' I couldn't see what he had to complain
+of, for I didn't remember there bein' a single word about him in the
+whole paper. Come to find out he was all used up 'cause there _wasn't_
+nothin' about him in it. He told me in confidence as he never got such
+a shock in all his life. He says he read the paper over nine times afore
+he was able to sense it, an' he says his last sermon was on hidin' your
+light under a bushel basket an' he had a copy all ready if Elijah had
+only come for it. He says he shall preach next Sunday on cryin' out unto
+you to get up, an' he shall take a copy to Elijah himself. I cheered him
+up all I could. I told him as a sermon preached on Sunday was n't likely
+to be no great novelty to no one on the Saturday after, but I'd see that
+he got it back all safe if Elijah throwed it into his scrap-basket. That
+seems to be the big part of bein' a editor--the throwin' things in his
+scrap-basket. Elijah's scrap-basket is far from bein' the joy of my life
+for he tears everythin' just the same way an' it makes it a long, hard
+job to piece 'em together again. Some days I don't get time an' then I
+_do_ get so aggravated."
+
+"Have you ever--" asked Mrs. Lathrop with real interest.
+
+"Not yet, but he ain't got really started yet. It's when the paper gets
+to Meadville an' Meadville begins to write him back what they think
+about what he thinks of them, that that scrap-basket will be
+interestin'! I guess I'll go home now an' make biscuits for supper. He
+was comin' back on the five-o'clock train. Poor Elijah, he'll have a
+hard day to-morrow but it'll do him good. Men never have to clean house,
+so the Lord has to discipline their souls any way he can, I suppose, an'
+to my order o' thinkin' this runnin' a newspaper is goin' to send Elijah
+a long ways upwards on his heavenly journey."
+
+"Does--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, rising heavily to bid her friend good-bye.
+
+"Most likely," said Susan; "at any rate if he does n't have any
+appetite. I like 'em myself."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+SETTLING DOWN AFTER THE HONEYMOON
+
+
+Miss Clegg and Mrs. Lathrop were sitting on the latter's steps about
+five o'clock one Sunday afternoon when Elijah Doxey came out of the
+former's house and walked away down town.
+
+"I wond--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I don't believe it," said Miss Clegg; "I know the way you look at it,
+Mrs. Lathrop, but _I_ don't believe it. All the girls is after him but
+that ain't surprisin' for girls are made to be after somethin' at that
+age an' there's almost nothin' for them to run down in this community.
+We're very short of men to marry, Mrs. Lathrop, an' what men we have got
+ain't tall enough yet to do it, but still, it ain't no reason why Elijah
+should be in love just because 'Liza Em'ly and all the other girls is
+in love with him. To my order o' thinkin' two sets of people have got to
+love to make a marriage, an' 'Liza Em'ly ain't but one. An' I don't know
+as I want Elijah to be in love, anyhow--not while he lives in my house.
+It might lead to his eatin' less but it would surely lead to his playin'
+the flute more, an' that flute is all I can stand now. He won't marry if
+I can help it, I know _that_, an' I keep his eagerness down by talkin'
+to him about Hiram Mullins all I can, an' surely Hiram is enough to keep
+any man from soarin' into marriage if he can just manage to hop along
+single an' in peace."
+
+"Have you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.
+
+"Well, I should say I had--an' it's fresh on my mind, too. It was
+yesterday an' I see 'em both. Lucy come in the mornin' an' Gran'ma
+Mullins in the afternoon. I'd like to of had Hiram come in the evenin'
+an' tell his end, but Hiram don't dare say a word to no man nowadays.
+As far as my observation's extended a man as lives steady with two women
+gets very meek as to even men. Hiram's learned as his long suit is to
+keep still an' saw wood when he ain't choppin' it."
+
+"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, Lucy come up right after market an' she said the reason she come
+was because she'd just got to talk or bu'st, an' she was n't anxious to
+bu'st yet awhile."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, just the usual tale as any one could o' foreseen if they went an'
+married Hiram Mullins. Any one might of easy knowed as Lucy Dill could
+n't no more enjoy Hiram Mullins than a cat could enjoy swimmin' lessons,
+but she _would_ have him, an' she _had_ to have him, an' now she's got
+him--so help her eternity to come."
+
+"Did she--" questioned Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No," said Miss Clegg, "she ain't been married quite long enough for
+that yet; she's only been married long enough to come out strong an'
+bitter as to blamin' Gran'ma Mullins. I will say this for Lucy, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' that is that a fairer thing than blamin' Gran'ma Mullins
+for Hiram could n't be expected of whoever married Hiram, for it stands
+to reason as no one as had brains could marry Hiram an' not want to
+begin blamin' his mother five minutes after. Gran'ma Mullins never did
+seem able to look at Hiram with a impartial eye, an' Lucy says as it
+beats all kind of eyes the way she looks at him since he's got married.
+Why, Lucy says it's most made her lose faith in her Bible--the way she
+feels about Gran'ma Mullins. She says she's got a feelin' towards
+Gran'ma Mullins as she never knowed could be in a woman. She says she's
+come to where she just cannot see what Ruth ever stuck to Naomi for when
+the husband was dead an' Naomi disposed to leave, too. She says if
+anythin' was to happen to Hiram she'd never be fool enough to hang onto
+Gran'ma Mullins. She sat down an' told me all about their goin' to town
+last week. She says she nigh to went mad. They started to go to the city
+just for a day's shoppin' an' she says it was up by the alarm clock at
+four an' breakfast at six for fear of missin' the nine-o'clock train an'
+then if Gran'ma Mullins did n't lose her little black bead bag with her
+weddin' ring an' the size of Hiram's foot an' eighty-five cents in it,
+so they could n't get him no bargain socks after all! All they could do
+was to buy the safety razor, an' when they got home with that there was
+n't no blade in it, an' they had to go way back to town next day. Come
+to find out the blade was in the box all the time, done up in the
+directions, only Hiram never read the directions, 'cause he said as it's
+a well-known fact as you can't cut yourself with a safety razor whatever
+you do.
+
+"Well, Lucy says it's for that sort of doin's as she left her happy home
+an' her razor-stroppin' father, an' she says the billin' an' cooin' of
+Gran'ma Mullins over Hiram is enough to make a wedded wife sick. She
+says she would n't say it to no one but me, an' I promised her never to
+breathe it along any further, but she says she's beginnin' to question
+as to how long she's goin' to be able to stand it all. She says will you
+believe that nights Gran'ma Mullins is comin' in softly at all hours to
+tuck up Hiram's feet, an' Lucy's forever thinkin' she's either a rat or
+a robber or else hittin' at her for Hiram himself. She says as it's
+Heaven's own truth as Gran'ma Mullins is warmin' his flannels every
+Saturday to this day, an' that the tears stand in her very eyes when
+Lucy won't help him off with his boots."
+
+"I never--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, nor no one else. It's all Gran'ma Mullins' foolishness. She begun
+to be foolish when Hiram begun to know things. I can remember when he
+used to run everywhere behind her with a little whip, 'cause he liked to
+play horse, an' although she used to pretend that she let him 'cause it
+kept the moths out of her clothes, still every one knowed as it was just
+her spoilin' of him. Now he's growed up spoiled an' poor Lucy Dill's got
+the consequences to suffer.
+
+"An' Lucy surely is sufferin'! She says she ain't exactly discouraged,
+but it's swimmin' up Niagara Falls to try an' break either of 'em of
+their bad habits. She says she has to look on at kisses until the very
+thought of one makes her seasick, an' she says to see Gran'ma Mullins
+listenin' to Hiram singin' is enough to make any one blush down to the
+very ground.
+
+"I cheered her all I could. I told her as you can't make no sort of a
+purse out of ears like Hiram's, an' that what can't be cured has always
+got to be lived with unless you're a man. She cried some, poor thing,
+an' said her mother always used to say as Hiram was cut out to make some
+girl wish he was dead, but she said she always thought as her mother
+was prejudiced. She said Hiram had a sort of way with him before he was
+married as was so hopeful, an' he used to look at her an' sigh till it
+just went all through her how happy they'd be if they could only be
+together all they wanted to be together. Well, you c'n believe me or
+not, just as you please, Mrs. Lathrop, but she says he ain't sighed
+once--not once--since they was married, an' as for bein'
+happy--well--she says she's about give up hope. She don't want folks to
+know, 'cause she says she's got some pride, but she says there's no
+tellin' how soon it'll run out if Gran'ma Mullins keeps on huggin'
+Hiram, an' tellin' her how perfect he is over his own head."
+
+"I don't--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I should say not," said Susan; "but Hiram Mullins always was his
+mother's white goose, an' the whole town is a witness. My idea if I was
+Lucy would be to shut right down solid on the whole thing. I'd put a
+bolt on my door an' keep Gran'ma Mullins an' her tuckin' tendencies on
+the other side, an' if Hiram Mullins did n't come to time I'd bolt him
+out, too, an' if he was n't nice about it I'd get out of the window an'
+go home to my father. I guess Mr. Dill would be very glad to have Lucy
+home again, for they say 'Liza Em'ly's no great success keepin' house
+for him. Some one told me as Mr. Dill was in mortal fear as he was
+practically feedin' the minister's whole family every time she went
+home, an' that would be enough to make any man, as had only his own self
+to feed, want his own daughter back, I should think.
+
+"There's Mrs. Macy as would be glad to keep house for him if he 'd marry
+her first, of course, but to my order of thinkin' Mr. Dill don't want to
+marry Mrs. Macy near as much as Mrs. Macy wants to marry Mr. Dill. Mrs.
+Macy says he's pesterin' her to death, an' Mr. Dill says if it's
+pesterin' to speak when you're spoken to, he must buy a new dictionary
+an' learn the new meanin' of the words by heart. Between ourselves, I
+guess Mr. Dill is learnin' the lesson of wedded bliss from lookin' at
+Lucy an' rememberin' her mother. Lucy ain't very happy an' you know as
+well as I do what Mrs. Dill was. Her husband won't marry again in a
+hurry, an' he's smart if he don't, for if Lucy ain't home in less 'n a
+year I'll make you a tea cake."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, you ain't Lucy Dill," said her friend. "If you was you'd be
+different. Lucy says this being waked up by havin' a hot flatiron slid
+in among your feet most any time for no better reason than 'cause his
+mother thought she heard Hiram sneeze, is a game as can be played once
+too often. I see her temper was on the rise so I struck in, an' give her
+a little advice of my own, an' as a result she says she's goin' to take
+a strong upper hand to 'em both an' there won't be no velvet glove on it
+neither. She says she can see as it's do or die for her now, an' she
+don't mean to be done nor to die neither. She drank some tea as I made
+strong on purpose, an' shook her head hard an' went home, an' God help
+Hiram if he hummed last night; an' as for Gran'ma Mullins, Lucy said if
+she come stealin' in to feel if Hiram was breathin' reg'lar, she was
+going to get slapped for a mosquito in a way as she'd long remember."
+
+"Dear me--" commented Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I did n't blame her," said Miss Clegg. "Of course I did n't know
+as I was going to hear the other side afore night fell, but hearin' her
+side stirred me up so that I give her my advice, an' my advice was to
+put the bootjack under her pillow. There ain't no sense in women
+sufferin' any more, to my idea of thinkin'. It's a good deal easier to
+go to bed with a bootjack, an' I look to see Lucy really happy or Hiram
+smashed flat soon in consequence."
+
+"But you--" said Mrs. Lathrop, wide-eyed.
+
+"I know, an' that did change my ideas. Of course when I was talkin' to
+Lucy I was n't expectin' to see Gran'ma Mullins so soon, but I won't say
+but what I was glad to see Gran'ma Mullins, too. It's a most curious
+feelin', I d'n know as I ever feel a curiouser than to hear both sides
+of anythin' from the both sides themselves right one after the other in
+the same day. O' course I learned long ago to never take any sides
+myself unless one of 'em was mine; but I will say as I don't believe no
+one could feel for others more 'n I do when I hear folks shakin' their
+heads over what as a general thing a person with brains like mine knows
+is their own fault, an' knowed was goin' to be their own fault afore
+they ever even began to think of doin' it.
+
+"Now there was Lucy Dill yesterday forenoon mournin' 'cause Hiram is
+Hiram an' his mother is his mother, an' then after dinner there comes
+Gran'ma Mullins with her bonnet strings an' her tears all streamin'
+together, an' wants my sympathy 'cause Lucy herself is Lucy herself.
+Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't but feel proud o' being able to hold the
+reins so hard on my own bit that I never up an' told either on 'em the
+plain truth, which is as they was all fools together to of ever looked
+for the weddin' service to have changed any on 'em."
+
+"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I don't know as I'm prepared to say what I think. To hear Lucy you'd
+think _she_ was surely the martyr, but to hear Gran'ma Mullins you would
+n't be sure after all. Gran'ma Mullins says after the honeymoon is over
+every one expects to settle down as a matter of course, an' she would
+n't say a word against it only it's Lucy is doin' all the settlin' an'
+poor Hiram as is doin' all the down. She says it's heartbreakin' to be a
+only mother an' watch the way as Hiram is being everlastin'ly downed.
+She says as we all remember that bright an' happy weddin' day[B] an' how
+she downed her own feelin's an' waved rice after 'em just like
+everybody else when they started off weddin'-trippin', each with their
+own bag in his own hand. But, oh, she says, the way they come back! She
+says they come back with Hiram carryin' both bags, an' her heart sunk
+when she see 'em for she says when she was married it was _her_ as come
+home carryin' both bags an' she says it's one of the saddest straws as
+ever blows a bride out. She says she never expected much of her marriage
+'cause she was engaged on a April Fool's Day in Leap Year, an' he give
+her an imitation opal for a ring, but she says Hiram give Lucy a real
+green emerald with a 18 an' a K inside it an' he looked to be happy even
+with his mother's tears mildewin' his pillow every night that whole
+summer. She says no one will ever know how hard she did try to get sense
+into Hiram that summer afore it was too late. She says she used to sit
+up in tears an' wait for him to come home from seein' Lucy, an' weep on
+his neck with her arms tight round him for two or three hours
+afterwards every night, but she says he never used to appreciate it. An'
+she says what he needed to marry for, anyway, Heaven only knows, with
+his whole life laid pleasantly out to suit him, an' a strong an'
+able-bodied mother ready an' smilin' to hand him whatever he wanted just
+as quick as he wanted it. An' she says she never asked him to do nothin'
+as she could possibly do herself an' the way Lucy orders him
+about!--well, she says it's beyond all belief. An' oh, but she says it
+goes through her like a chained-up bolt of lightnin' the voice Lucy
+speaks to him in, an' she said she would n't have no one know it for
+worlds but she says as near as she can figger she hit him over the head
+with a hairbrush night before last."
+
+[B] See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs."
+
+"With a--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast.
+
+"She says she ain't absolutely positive, but they was a-chasin' a June
+bug in their room together, an' she heard the smash an' the next mornin'
+when she went in to make Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy (she says
+Lucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker) she see the nick on the brush, an'
+she says when she see the nick an' remembered how hollow it rung, she
+knew as it could n't possibly have been nothin' in that room except
+Hiram's head. She says if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush now,
+Heaven only knows what she'll be after him with in a year, for Gran'ma
+Mullins' own husband went from a cake of soap to a whole cheese in a
+fortnight an' she says it's a well-known fact as when a married man is
+once set a-goin' he lands things faster an' faster. She says she thinks
+about the andirons there, ready to Lucy's hand, until she's scared
+white, an' yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd attract her to the
+water pitcher."
+
+"Did Mr.--" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly, after several attempts to
+slide a question-quoit in among Susan's game of words.
+
+"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. I could n't understand what he did do
+with them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just as awful for he
+grated the whole cake o' that soap on her front teeth to teach her not
+to never refer to the deacon again, an' he dropped the cheese square on
+her head when he was up on a step-ladder an' she was in a little
+cupboard underneath leanin' over for a plate, an' then he tried to make
+out as it was an accident. She says it was n't no accident though. She
+says a woman as gets a cheese on the back of her head from a husband as
+is on a step-ladder over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident story;
+she says that cheese like to of hurt her for life an' was the greatest
+of the consolations she had when he died. She says she never will forget
+it as long as she's alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her heaven she
+won't; she says when the cemetery committee come to her an' want her to
+subscribe for keepin' him trimmed with a lawn mower an' a little flag on
+Decoration Day, she always thinks of that cheese an' says no, thank
+you, they can just mow him regularly right along with the rest.
+
+"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an' cold to see Hiram settin' out
+along that stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned every pin in from
+first to last. She says if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with him,
+but no, to bed he must go feelin' as bright as a button, an' in the
+mornin', oh my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear him wake up, for
+Lucy washes his face so sudden with cold water that he gives one howl
+before he remembers he's married, an' five minutes after she hangs every
+last one of the bedclothes square out of the window.
+
+"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a pretty sad tale first an' last, an'
+Gran'ma Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep being led to its
+halter, but she says she can't feel as meekness pays women much. She
+says she was meek an' Hiram's meek, an' she did n't get no reward but
+soap an' that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so far is the hairbrush, an'
+the water pitcher loomin'.
+
+"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage was n't enough took into
+consideration nowadays, an' that it was too easy at the start, an' too
+hard at the finish. You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there ain't a
+mite o' doubt but what if the honeymoon come just afore the funeral
+there'd be a deal more sincere mournin' than there is as it is now, an'
+to _my_ order of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore the children,
+folks would raise their families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mullins just that
+very thing but it did n't seem to give her much comfort. She give a
+little yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from havin' to sit by an'
+watch Lucy Dill raise Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd never
+be able to give 'em enough pie on the sly to keep 'em happy an' any one
+with half an eye could see they'd be washed an' brushed half to death.
+She says Lucy won't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards or sweep
+a room without carryin' all the furniture out into the yard; oh my, she
+says her ways is most awful an' I expect that, to Gran'ma Mullins, they
+are.
+
+"I cheered her all I could. I told her she'd better make the best o'
+things now, 'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd make her madder
+an' madder, an' they'll all soon be lookin' back to this happy first
+year as their one glimpse of paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy told
+me o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucy
+or he'd never stand being hit for a June bug or woke with a wash-cloth.
+But I did kind of wonder how long it would last. If I was Lucy it would
+n't last long, I know _that_. If I'd ever married a man I don't know how
+long he'd of stood it or how long I'd of stood him, but I know one
+thing, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from my heels to my hairpins--an' I
+said it to Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it to you now--an'
+that is that if I could n't of stood him I would n't of stood him, for
+this is the age when women as read the papers don't stand nothin' they
+don't want to--an' I would n't neither."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, you ain't me," said Miss Clegg, "you ain't me an' you ain't
+Elijah neither. I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no livin' in the
+house with any man as supposes livin' in the house with any other woman
+is goin' to be pleasanter than livin' in the house with the woman as
+he's then an' there livin' in the house with. The main thing in life is
+to keep men down to a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but yours an'
+keep yourself down to a low opinion of the man. You don't want to marry
+him then an' he don't want to live with any one else. An' to my order of
+thinkin' that's about the only way that a woman can take any comfort
+with a man in the house."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+SUSAN CLEGG'S FULL DAY
+
+
+"Well," said Miss Clegg, with strong emphasis, as she mounted Mrs.
+Lathrop's steps, "I don't know, I'm sure, what I've come over here for
+this night, for I never felt more like goin' right straight off to bed
+in all my life before." Then she sat down on the top step and sighed
+heavily.
+
+"It's been a full day," she went on presently; "an' I can't deny as I
+was nothin' but glad to remember as Elijah was n't comin' home to
+supper, for as a consequence I sha'n't have it to get. A woman as has
+had a day like mine to-day don't want no supper anyhow, an' it stands to
+reason as if I don't feel lively in the first place, I ain't goin' to be
+made any more so by comin' to see you, for I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop,
+that seein' you always makes me wonder more'n ever why I come to see you
+so often when I might just as well stay home an' go to bed. If I was in
+my bed this blessed minute I'd be very comfortable, which I'm very far
+from bein' here with this mosquito aimin' just over my slap each time;
+an' then, too, I'd be alone, an' no matter how hard I may try to make
+myself look upon bein' with you as the same thing as bein' alone, it is
+n't the same thing an' you can't in conscience deny _that_, no matter
+how hard you may sit without movin'."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop made no reply to this frank comment on her liveliness, and
+after a short pause, Miss Clegg sighed heavily a second time, and
+continued:
+
+"It's been a full day, a awful full day. In the first place the rooster
+was woke by accident last night an' he up an' woke me. He must of woke
+me about three o'clock as near as I can figure it out now, but I
+supposed when I was woke as of course it was five so I got right up an'
+went in an' woke Elijah. Elijah told me last week as he did n't believe
+he'd ever seen the sun rise an' I was just enough out of sorts to think
+as to-day would be a good time for him to begin to turn over a new leaf
+as far as the sunrise was concerned. I must say he was n't very spry
+about the leaf, for all he did was to turn himself over at first, but I
+opened his window an' banged the blinds three or four times an' in the
+end he got woke up without really knowin' just what had woke him. We had
+breakfast with a candle, an' then Elijah was so tired lookin' out for
+the sunrise that he looked in at his watch an' see as it was only
+quarter to four then. He was real put out at that at first 'cause he
+wrote till half past two last night, an' in the end he went back to bed
+an' it certainly was a relief to see the last of him, for I may in
+confidence remark as I never see him look quite so stupid afore. After
+he was gone back to bed I washed up the breakfast dishes an' then I
+went out in the wood shed in the dark an' there I got another surprise,
+for I thought I'd look over the rags I was savin' for the next rag rug
+an' when I poured 'em out in my lap, what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop,
+what _do_ you think poured out along with 'em?--Why, a nest of young
+mice an' two old ones!
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe imagine my feelin's at four in the
+mornin' with Elijah gone back to bed an' my own lap full of mice, but
+whatever I yelled did n't disturb him any an' I just made two jumps for
+the lamp in the kitchen, leavin' the mice wherever they hit to rearrange
+their family to suit themselves. Well, the second jump must needs land
+me right square on top of the cistern lid, an' it up an' went in, takin'
+my left leg along with it as far as it would go. Well, Mrs. Lathrop,
+talk of girls as can open an' shut, like scissors, in a circus--I was
+scissored to that degree that for a little I could n't think which
+would be wisest, to try an' get myself together again in the kitchen or
+to just give up altogether in the cistern. In the end I hauled the leg
+as had gone in out again, an' then I see where all the trouble come
+from, for the cistern lid was caught to my garter an' what I'd thought
+was a real injury was only it swingin' around an' around my leg. I put
+the lid back on the cistern an' felt to sit with my legs crossed for
+quite a while, thinkin' pleasant thoughts of the rooster as woke me, an'
+by that time it was half past four, an' I could hear all the other
+chickens stirrin' so I got up an' began to stir again myself. I opened
+the front door an' looked out an' that did n't bring me no good luck
+either, for as I looked out a bat flew in an' just as the bat flew in he
+managed to hook himself right in my hair. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I tell you
+I _was_ mad then. I don't know as I ever was madder than I was then. I
+was so mad that I can't tell you how mad I was. The bat held on by
+diggin' in like he thought I wanted to get him off, an' I pulled at him
+so hard that I can't in conscience be surprised much over his takin'
+that view of it. Well, in the end I had to take all my hairpins out
+first an' then sort of skin him out of my hair lengthways, which,
+whatever you may think about it, Mrs. Lathrop, is far from bein' funny
+along afore dawn on a day as you 've begun at three thinkin' as it was
+five."
+
+"Susan!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop; "don't--"
+
+"No, I'll have some when I get home. I like mine better than yours
+anyway. Now you've made me forget where I was in my story."
+
+"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh yes, I remember now. Well, I was too put out at first to notice what
+the bat did after I got him out o' my head, but when I went upstairs I
+found him circlin' everywhere in a way as took every bit of home feelin'
+out of the house an' I just saw that I'd have no peace till I could be
+alone with Elijah again. So I got up an' got a broom an' went a battin'
+for all I was worth. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just
+as you please, but for one solid hour I run freely an' gayly up an' down
+an' over an' under my own house after that bat. I never see nothin' like
+that bat before or behind. He just sort of sailed here an' there an'
+everywhere, an' wherever he sailed smoothly an' easily there was me
+runnin' after him with the broom, whackin' at him every chance I got. We
+was upstairs, we was downstairs, we was in the wood shed an' out of the
+wood shed, we was under the kitchen table, we was over father's picture
+on the mantel--we was everywhere, me an' that bat. Then all of a sudden
+he disappeared completely an' I sit down in the rockin'-chair to puff
+an' rest. Elijah slept till most eight an' I was so tired I let him
+sleep although I never was one to approve of any man's sleepin', but
+before he woke something worse than a bat come down on me, an' that was
+Mrs. Sweet's cousin, Jerusha Dodd. You know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop,
+an' so do I, an' so does everybody an' as far as my observation 's
+extended bats is wise men bringin' their gifts from afar to visit you
+compared to Jerusha Dodd when she arrives in the early mornin'. I would
+n't never have gone to the door only she stepped up on the drain-pipe
+first an' looked in an' saw me there in the rockin'-chair afore she
+knocked. I tell you I was good an' mad when I see her an' see as she see
+me an' I made no bones of it when I opened the door. I says to her frank
+an' open--I says, 'Good gracious, Jerusha, I hope you ain't lookin' to
+see me pleased at seein' as it's you.' But laws, you could n't smash
+Jerusha Dodd not if you was a elephant an' she was his sat-down-upon
+fly, so I had her sittin' in the kitchen an' sighin' in less'n no time.
+She was full of her woes an' the country's woes as usual. Congress was
+goin' to ruin us next year sure, an' she had a hole in her back fence
+anyway; she did n't approve of Mr. Rockefeller's prices on oil, an'
+there was a skunk in her cellar, an' she said she could n't seem to
+learn to enjoy livin' the simple life as she'd had to live it since her
+father died, a _tall_. She said that accordin' to her views life for
+single women nowadays was too simple an' she said she really only lacked
+bein' buried to be dead. She says as all a simple life is, is havin' no
+rights except them as your neighbors don't want. She says for her part
+she's been more took into the heart of creation than she's ever cared
+about. I do hate to have to listen to the way she goes on an' no one can
+say as I ever was one to encourage her in them views. I don't think it's
+right to encourage no one in their own views 'cause their views is never
+mine an' mine is always the right ones. This mornin' I stood it as long
+as I could from Jerusha an' then I just let out at her an' I says to
+her, I says, 'Jerusha Dodd, you really are a fool an' Heaven help them
+as ever makes more of a fool of you, by tellin' you as you ain't.' You
+know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop; she began to cry hard an' rock harder
+right off, said she knowed she was a fool, but it was nature's fault an'
+not hers for she was born so an' could n't seem to get the better of it.
+I told her my view of the matter would be for her to stay home an' patch
+up that hole in her fence an' pull up some o' that choice garden full of
+weeds as she's growin', an' brush the dust off the crown of her bonnet,
+an' do a few other of them wholesome little trifles as is a good deal
+nearer the most of us than Mr. Rockefeller] an' what congress in its
+infinite wisdom is goin' to see fit to deal out in the daily papers next
+year.
+
+"But she only kept on cryin' an' rockin' an' finally I got so tired
+listenin' to her creak an' sob that I went out an' had a real bright
+idea. I got the little sink scratcher an' tied a wet piece of rag to
+the handle an' went around behind her an' hung it suddenly in her back
+hair. She put up her hand an' felt it, an' give a yell that woke Elijah.
+You know how Jerusha Dodd acts when she's upset! She spun around so the
+sink scratcher fell right out but she did n't have sense enough left in
+her to know it. She yelled, 'What was it? what was it?' an' I yelled,
+'It was a bat, it was a bat;' an' at that I see the last of Jerusha
+Dodd, for she was out of my kitchen an' out of my sight afore Elijah
+could get to the top of the stairs to begin yellin', 'What was it? what
+was it?' on his own hook. I had to tell him all about it then an' he
+wanted it for a item right off. He said he'd have a dash for Jerusha an'
+a star for me, an' the idea took him like most of his ideas do, an' he
+laughed till he coughed the coffee as I'd saved for him all the wrong
+way, an' dropped a soft boiled egg as I'd boiled for him into the water
+pitcher, an', oh my, I thought misfortunes never would come to a end or
+even to a turnin'. But after he'd fished out the egg an' eat it, he went
+off down to his uncle's an' he was n't more'n gone when in come Mrs.
+Sweet to see if Jerusha left her breastpin, 'cause in her quick
+breathin' it had fallen somewhere an' Jerusha was havin' hysterics over
+losin' that now. While I was talkin' to Mrs. Sweet at the gate I smelt
+somethin' burnin' an' there my whole bakin' of bread was burnt up in the
+oven owin' to Jerusha Dodd's breathin' her breastpin out over a bat. I
+felt to be some tempered then, an' Mrs. Sweet saw it an' turned around
+an' left me, an' after she was gone I went into the house an' pulled
+down the shades an' locked the door an' went to sleep. I slept till
+Elijah come home to dinner an' of course there was n't no dinner ready
+an' that put Elijah out. Elijah's got a good deal of a temper, I find,
+an' the only thing in the world to do with a man in a temper, when he is
+in a temper, is to make him so mad that he goes right off in a huff an'
+leaves you to peace again. So I just made one or two remarks about my
+opinion of things as he feels very strong about, an' he said he guessed
+he'd get supper down town an' sleep at the store to-night. So he took
+himself off an' he was hardly out of the way when Mrs. Macy come to tell
+me about Judy Lupey's divorce."
+
+"Is--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Not yet, but she soon will be," said Miss Clegg. "Mrs. Macy's just back
+from Meadville an' she says all Meadville is churned up over it. They
+ain't never had a divorce there afore, an' every one is so interested to
+know just how to do it, an' I will say this much for Mrs. Macy, an' that
+is that she was nothin' but glad to tell me all about it. Seems as the
+Lupeys is most awful upset over it though an' Mrs. Kitts says she ain't
+sure as she won't change her will sooner than leave money to a woman
+with two husbands."
+
+"Two--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Mrs. Macy says," continued Susan, "as Mrs. Lupey ain't much better
+pleased than Mrs. Kitts over it all, an', although she did n't say it in
+so many words, she hinted pretty plain as it seemed hard as the only one
+of the girls to get married should be the same one as is gettin'
+divorced. Mrs. Macy said she see her point of view, but to her order of
+thinkin' the world don't begin to be where old maids need consider
+divorces yet awhile. She says she stayed in the house with 'em all three
+days an' she says she cheered Mrs. Lupey all she could; she says she
+told her to her best ear as no one but a mother would ever have dreamed
+of dreamin' of Faith or Maria's ever marryin' under any circumstances.
+She said Mrs. Lupey said it was the quickness of Judy's gettin' tired of
+Mr. Drake as had frightened her most. Why, she says as before the first
+baby was through teethin' in her day, Judy was all up an' through an'
+completely done with Mr. Drake. All done with him an' home again, an'
+the family not even countin' to consider.
+
+"Mrs. Macy says as she's learned a awful lot about divorce as she did
+n't know before. She said she could n't help being surprised over how
+much a divorce is like a marriage, for Busby Bell was there every night
+an' Judy an' the whole family is hard at work gettin' her clothes ready.
+But Mrs. Macy says them as suppose the real gettin' of the divorce
+itself is simple had ought to go an' stay at the Lupeys awhile. Why, she
+says the way the Lupeys is complicated an' tied up by Judy an' Mr. Drake
+is somethin' beyond all belief. To begin with, Judy decided to be
+deserted because she thought it'd really be the simplest an' easiest in
+the end an' she hated to bother with bein' black an' blue for witnesses
+an' all that kind of business. But it seems being deserted, when you
+live in the same town with a husband who rides a bicycle an' don't care
+where he meets you, is just enough to drive a woman nigh to madness
+itself. Why, Mrs. Macy says that Judy Lupey actually can't go out to
+walk a _tall_, not 'nless Faith walk a block ahead of her an' Maria a
+block behind, an' even then Mr. Drake's liable to come coastin' down on
+'em any minute. She says it's awful tryin', an' Judy gets so mad over it
+all that it just seems as if they could _not_ stand it.
+
+"But that ain't the only trouble neither, Mrs. Macy says. Seems Judy got
+Solomon Drake for her lawyer 'cause he knowed the whole story, through
+eatin' dinner at the Drakes every Sunday while they was stayin' married.
+She thought havin' Solomon Drake would save such a lot of explainin'
+'cause Mr. Drake is so hard to explain to any one as has just seen him
+ridin' his bicycle an' not really been his wife. Well, seems as Judy
+never calculated on Solomon's keepin' right on takin' Sunday dinner with
+Mr. Drake, after he became her lawyer, but he does, an' none of the
+Lupeys think it looks well, an' Judy finds it most tryin' because all
+she an' Solomon talk over about the divorce he tells Mr. Drake on Sunday
+out of gratitude for his dinner an' because it's a subject as seems to
+really interest Mr. Drake. Seems Mr. Drake is a hard man to interest.
+Judy says he was yawnin' afore they got to the station on their
+honeymoon.
+
+"But Mrs. Macy says that ain't all, neither, whatever you may think, for
+she says what do you think of Mr. Drake's goin' an' gettin' Busby Bell
+of all the men in Meadville for _his_ lawyer, when the whole town knows
+as it's Busby as Judy's goin' to marry next. Mrs. Lupey says as Judy
+would have took Busby for her own lawyer only they was so afraid of
+hurtin' each other's reputations, an' now really it's terrible, 'cause
+Busby says as he don't well see what's to be done about their
+reputations if the worst comes to the worst, for he's explained as very
+likely Judy's goin' to need one more man than a husband to get her her
+divorce. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as Busby said as if he had n't
+been Mr. Drake's lawyer he'd have been more than ready to be the other
+man, but as Mr. Drake's lawyer he can't help Judy no more'n if he was
+Mr. Drake himself. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey cried, an' she told her as
+she knowed as there was any number of quiet elderly men as any one could
+depend on right here in our own community as'd be nothin' but glad to go
+over to Meadville an' help anyway they could, but Mrs. Lupey asked Judy
+about it, an' Judy asked Busby, an' Busby said men as you could depend
+on anywhere was n't no use in divorce suits a _tall_. It's quite another
+kind, it seems. Mrs. Macy says she's really very sorry for them all, for
+it really seems awful to think how the Lupeys need a man an' the only
+man they've got Judy's busy gettin' rid of as hard as she can.
+
+"Mrs. Macy says it's all most upsettin'. She says she never lived
+through nothin' like it afore. Judy's cross 'cause she can't go out an'
+meet Busby without runnin' the risk of meetin' Mr. Drake an' losin' all
+the time she's put in so far bein' deserted. An' then there's a many
+things as a outsider never would know about or even guess at unless
+they've lived right in the house with a real live divorce. Mrs. Macy
+says as Martha Hack, as does the washin' for 'em all, is forever
+forgettin' an' sendin' Judy's wash home with Mr. Drake's just as if they
+was still completely married. That would n't be so bad only Mr. Drake
+waits for Solomon to get 'em Sunday, an' Solomon's kind-hearted an'
+gives 'em to Busby so as to give him a excuse to make two calls in one
+day. Well, Mrs. Macy says the come out of it all is as when Judy wants
+to take a bath just about all Meadville has to turn out to see where
+under heaven her clean clothes is.
+
+"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, tellin' it all to you does n't matter so
+much, but to hear Mrs. Macy tell it makes you wonder if it's worth while
+to try an' leave a man as you can't live with. Seems to me it'd be
+easier to live with him. Mrs. Macy says as she met Mr. Drake several
+times herself on his bicycle an' he looked most bloomin'. No one need
+be sorry for him, an' not many is sorry for Judy. But Mrs. Macy says
+there's only one person as all Meadville's sorry for, an' that's Busby
+Bell."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop started to speak.
+
+"Yes," Susan went on hurriedly. "Elijah said just that same thing the
+other day when he was talkin' about the Marlboroughs. He thinks as
+divorces is all a mistake, but then you're a widow an' Elijah ain't
+married so you're both pretty safe in airin' your views."
+
+Susan rose just here and descended the steps. "I must go," she said, "I
+don't seem to take no particular interest in what you might be goin' to
+tell me, Mrs. Lathrop, even if there was any chance of your ever gettin'
+around to tellin' it, an' I've told you all I know, an' I'm very tired
+talkin'. As I said before, it's been a full day an' I'm pretty well beat
+out. I forgot to tell you as after Mrs. Macy was gone I found as it was
+n't the bread I smelt in the oven--it was the bat. I suppose when I see
+Mr. Kimball he'll make one of his jokes over bread-dough an' bats an'
+batter, but I'll be too wore out to care. Did I say as Elijah said he'd
+sleep at the store to-night?"
+
+"Will--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, all of a sudden.
+
+"Why, of course," said Susan, "it did n't hurt either loaf a mite. I'd
+be as much of a fool as Jerusha Dodd if I let a little thing like a bat
+spoil a whole bakin' of bread for me, Mrs. Lathrop. As for Elijah, he
+did n't know nothin' about it an' I sha'n't tell him, you may be sure,
+for he's the one as eats all the bread--I never touch it myself, as you
+well know."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+THE EDITOR'S ADVICE COLUMN
+
+
+"I'm a good deal worried over Elijah," Miss Clegg said to Mrs. Lathrop,
+one day when the new paper was about three weeks old, and when the town
+had begun to take both it and its editor with reasonable calm; "he does
+have so many ideas. Some of his ideas are all right as far as I can see,
+but he has 'em so thick an' fast that it worries me more'n a little. It
+ain't natural to have new ideas all the time an' no one in this
+community ever does it. He's forever tellin' me of some new way he's
+thought of for branchin' out somewhere an' his branches make me more'n a
+little nervous. The old ways is good enough for us an' I try to hold him
+down to that idea, but first he wants me to get a new kind of flatirons
+as takes off while you heat it, an' next he wants me to fix the paper
+all over new.
+
+"I brought over somethin' as he wrote last night to read you, an' show
+you how curious his brains do mix up things. He brought it down this
+mornin' an' read it to me, an' I asked him to give it to me to read to
+you. I was goin' to bring it to you anyway, but then he said as I could
+too, so it's all right either way. It's some of his new ideas an' he
+said he'd be nothin' but glad to have you hear 'em 'cause he says the
+more he lives with me the more respect he's got for your hearin' an'
+judgment. He asked me what I thought of it first, an' I told him frank
+an' open as I did n't know what under the sun to think of it. I meant
+that, too, for I certainly never heard nothin' like it in my life afore,
+so he said we could both read it to-day an' I could tell him what we
+thought to-night, when he come home.
+
+"Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with real interest.
+
+"Well, seems he's been thinkin' as it's time to begin to show us how
+up-to-date he looks on life, he says, an' as a consequence he's openin'
+up what he calls the field of the future. He says he's goin' to have a
+editorial this week on beginnin' from now on to make every issue of the
+_Megaphone_ just twice as good as the one afore. I told him if he really
+meant what he said it could n't possibly be worth no dollar a year now,
+but he said wait an' see an' time would tell an' virtue be her own
+reward. He says he's goin' to make arrangements with a woman in the city
+for a beauty column, an' arrangements with some other woman as is a
+practical preserver, an' have a piece each time on how to be your own
+dressmaker once you get cut out; I thought that these things was about
+enough for one paper, but oh my! he went on with a string more, as long
+as your arm. He's goin' to begin to have a advice column too, right
+off, an' that's this I've brought over to read you; he says lots of
+folks want advice an' don't want to tell no one nor pay nothin' an' they
+can all write him an' get their answers on anythin' in the wide world
+when the paper comes out Saturday. I could n't but open my eyes a little
+at that, for I know a many as need advice as I should n't consider
+Elijah knew enough to give, but Elijah's a man an' in consequence don't
+know anythin' about how little he does know, so I did n't say nothin'
+more on that subject. He's full of hope an' says he's soon goin' to show
+big city papers what genius can do single-handed with a second-hand
+printin' press, an' he talked an' talked till I really had to tell him
+that if he did n't want his breakfast he'd have to go back to bed or
+else down town."
+
+"Is the--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, this is it. He done it last night an' he give it to me this
+mornin' to read to you. It's to be called 'The Advice Column' an' he's
+goin' to head it 'Come to My Bosom' an' sign it 'Aunt Abby' 'cause of
+course if he signed it himself he'd be liable for breach of promise from
+any girl as read the headin' an' chose to think he meant her."
+
+"But who--?" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Why, nobody the first week, of course. He had to make 'em up
+himself--an' the answers too, an' that's what makes it all seem so silly
+to me. But he did work over it,--he says no one knows the work of
+gettin' people stirred up to enthusiasm in a small town like this, an'
+he says he'd ought to have a martyr's crown of thorns, he thinks, for
+even thinkin' of gettin' a advice column started when most of his
+energies is still got to go tryin' to get our fund for the famine big
+enough to make it pay to register the letter when the cheque goes. He
+says the trouble with the fund is no one has no relations there an' a
+good many thought as it was mostly Chinamen as is starvin' anyhow.
+Elijah says the world is most dreadful hard-hearted about
+Chinamen--they don't seem to consider them as of any use a _tall_. He
+says it's mighty hard to get up a interest in anythin' here anyhow, Lord
+knows--for he says that San Francisco fund an' what become of it has
+certainly been a pill an' no mistake. The nearest he come to that was
+gettin' a letter as Phoebe White wrote the deacon about how the
+government relief train run right through the town she's in, but Elijah
+says after all his efforts he has n't swelled the famine fund
+thirty-five cents this week. He says Clightville has give nine dollars
+an' Meadville has give fifteen dollars an' two barrels an' a mattress,
+if anybody wants it C. O. D., an' here we are stuck hard at six dollars
+an' a quarter an' two pennies as the minister's twins brought just after
+they choked on them licorish marbles."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, I did n't. I tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop, I keep a learnin'; in
+regard to givin' to funds I've learned a very good trick from
+Rockefeller an' Carnegie in the papers; they come to me about that San
+Francisco one an' I said right out frank an' open that if the town would
+give five hundred dollars I'd give fifty. That shut up every one's mouth
+an' set every one to thinkin' how much I was willin' to give an' as a
+matter of fact I did n't give nothin' a _tall_."
+
+"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes," said Susan, opening the paper which she had in her hand, "I was
+just thinkin' of it, too. I'll read it to you right off now an' you see
+if you don't think about as I do. I think myself as Elijah's made some
+pretty close cuts at people, only of course every one will guess as he
+must of made 'em up 'cause they don't really fit to no one. Still, it's
+a risky business an' I wish he'd let it alone for he lives in my house
+an' I know lots of folks as is mean enough to say that these things was
+like enough said to him by me--a view as is far from likely to make my
+friends any more friendly."
+
+"Do--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, I'm goin' to." Then Miss Clegg drew a long breath and re-began
+thus:
+
+"Well, now, the first is, 'How can you put pickles up so they'll keep
+the year 'round?'" She paused there and looked expectantly at the placid
+Mrs. Lathrop as if she was asking a riddle or conducting an examination
+for the benefit of her friend. Mrs. Lathrop, however, had turned and was
+looking the other way so it was only when the length of the pause
+brought her to herself with a violent start, that she answered:
+
+"My heavens ali--"
+
+"The answer is," said Susan promptly, "'Put 'em up so high that nobody
+can reach them.'"
+
+Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes.
+
+"I don't--" she protested.
+
+"No, I did n't think as it was very sensible myself," responded Susan,
+"but do you know, Elijah laughed out loud over it. That's what's funny
+about Elijah to my order of thinkin'--he's so amused at himself. He
+thinks that's one of the best things he's done as a editor, he says, an'
+I'm sure I can't see nothin' funny in it any more than you can. An' you
+don't see nothin' funny in it, do you?"
+
+"No," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--"
+
+"Nor me neither," said Susan, "an' now the next one is sillier yet, to
+my order of thinkin'. It's a letter an' begins, 'Dear Aunt Abby;' then
+it says, 'Do you think it is possible to be happy with a young man with
+freckles? My husband says Yes, but my mother says No. He's my husband's
+son by his first wife. I have twins myself. I want the boy sent to a
+home of some sort. What do you think? Yours affectionately--Ada.'"
+
+"What under the--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Just what I said," said Susan. "I could n't make head or tail out of it
+myself an' I'm afraid it'll make Deacon White mad 'cause Polly's his
+second wife--yes, an' the minister's got two wives, too. I tried to make
+Elijah see that but he just said to read the answer."
+
+"What is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, the answer's just as dumbfounderin' as the question, I think. The
+answer says, 'Hang on to the boy. If you get the twin habit he'll prove
+invaluable.'"
+
+"Well, I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, disgustedly.
+
+"I told Elijah that myself. I said that the minister was bound to feel
+hurt over the second wife part, but with twins in the answer he's sure
+to feel it means him an' I expect he'll maybe stop takin' the paper an'
+join Mrs. Macy's club. Mrs. Macy got real mad at somethin' Mr. Kimball
+sold her last week an' as a consequence she went an' made what she calls
+her Newspaper Club, she rents her paper for a cent a day now an' she
+made four cents last week. She says if Elijah Doxey ever says anythin'
+in the paper about her again she'll take three papers an' rent 'em at
+two mills a day an' supply the whole town an' wreck him so flat he'll
+have to hire out to pick hops. I told Elijah what she said an' he said
+for the Lord's sake to tell Mrs. Macy as her toes was hereafter
+perfectly safe from all his treads. I told her, but she says he need n't
+think quotin' from poets is goin' to inspire faith in him in her very
+soon again. She says over in Meadville it's town talk as Elijah Doxey is
+havin' just a box of monkeys' fun with us."
+
+"Do you--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed.
+
+"No, I don't, for I asked him an' he crossed his heart to the contrary.
+But really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read the rest of this for I've
+got to be gettin' home to get supper."
+
+"Go--" said the neighbor.
+
+"No, I won't till I've done. The next one is this one an' it says, 'How
+long ought any one to wait to get married? I have waited several years
+an' there is nothin' against the man except he's eighty-two an'
+paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an' Ma oppose the match an' are the
+oldest couple in the country,' an' Elijah has signed it 'Lovin'ly,
+Rosy'--of all the silly things!"
+
+"He must be--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I should think so," said Susan; "why, he was rollin' all over the sofa
+laughin' over that. The answer is, 'I would wait a little longer--you
+can lose nothin' by patience.' I call that pretty silly, too."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, indeed," said Susan, folding up the paper, "I felt it an' I said
+it, an' I knew you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I must say as I
+don't like his Advice Column, an' I'd never be one to advise no one to
+write to it for advice. His answers don't seem to tell you nothin', to
+my order of thinkin', an' that one about the pickles struck me just like
+a slap in my face."
+
+"I'd never--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Nor me neither. If I want to know I come to you."
+
+"And I--" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly.
+
+"I know you would," said her friend, "whatever faults you've got, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I'd always feel that about you."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+MRS. MACY AND THE CONVENTION
+
+
+Mrs. Lathrop was out in the garden, pottering around in an aimless sort
+of way which she herself designated as "looking after things," but which
+her friend and neighbor called "wastin' time an' strength on nothin'."
+Whenever Miss Clegg perceived Mrs. Lathrop thus engaged she always
+interrupted her occupation as speedily as possible. On the occasion of
+which I write, she emerged from her own kitchen door at once, and
+called:
+
+"Oh, Mrs. Lathrop, come here, I've got a surprise for you."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop forthwith ceased to gaze fondly and absent-mindedly over
+her half-acre of domain, and advanced to the fence. Miss Clegg also
+advanced to the fence, and upon its opposite sides the following
+conversation took place.
+
+"I went to see Mrs. Macy yesterday afternoon," Miss Clegg began, "an' I
+saw her an' that's what the surprise come from."
+
+"She isn't--" asked Mrs. Lathrop anxiously.
+
+"Oh, no, she's all right--that is, she's pretty nearly all right, but I
+may remark as the sight an' hearin' of her this day is a everlastin'
+lesson on lettin' women be women an' allowin' men to keep on bein' men
+for some years to come yet. Mrs. Macy says for her part she's felt that
+way all along but every one said it was her duty an' she says she always
+makes a point of doin' her duty, an' this time it was goin' to give her
+a free trip to town, too, so the hand of Providence seemed to her to be
+even more'n unusually plainly stuck out at her."
+
+"Oh," said Mrs. Lathrop--"you mean--"
+
+"Of course I do," said Susan, "but wait till I tell you how it come out.
+It's come out now, an' all different from how you know."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, you wait an' listen," said the friend,--"you wait an' listen an'
+then you'll know, too."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, submissively.
+
+"She says," Miss Clegg went on, "that we all know (an' that's true, too,
+'cause I told you that before) as she was never much took with the idea
+even in the first of it. She says as she thinks as Elijah's ideas is
+gettin' most too progressive an' if he ain't checked we'll very soon
+find ourselves bein' run over by some of his ideas instead of pushed
+forward. She says woman's clubs is very nice things an' Mrs. Lupey takes
+a deal of pleasure with the one in Meadville (whenever they don't meet
+at her house)--but Mrs. Macy says our sewin' society ain't no club an'
+never was no club, an' she considers as it was overdrawin' on Elijah's
+part to start the question of its sendin' a delegate to any federation
+of any kind of woman's clubs. She says she can't see--an' she said at
+the meetin' as elected her, that she couldn't see--what our sewin'
+society could possibly get out of any convention, for you can buy all
+the patterns by mail now just as well as if you have 'em all to look
+over. An' then she says, too, as no one on the face of kingdom come
+could ever be crazy enough to suppose as any convention could ever get
+anythin' out of our delegates, so what was the use of us an' them ever
+tryin' to get together a _tall_. I thought she was very sensible
+yesterday, an' I thought she was very sensible at the meetin' as elected
+her, an' I tried to talk to Elijah, but Elijah's so dead set on our
+bein' up to time with every Tom, Dick an' Harry as comes along with any
+kind of a new plan, that I can't seem to get him to understand as no one
+in this town wants to be up to time--we're a great deal better suited
+takin' our own time like we always did until he come among us. Mrs. Macy
+says as we all know as no one wanted to be a delegate to the federation
+to begin with, an' you know that yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, for I was there
+an' Elijah's idea resulted in the first place in every one's stayin'
+away from that meetin' for fear as they'd be asked to go. They had to
+set another day for the sewin' society an' even then a good many cleaned
+house instead for a excuse, an' Mrs. Sweet said right out as she did n't
+believe as any of us knowed enough to go to a convention an' so we'd
+better all stay home. I had to speak up at that an' say as Elijah had
+told me as things was fixed now so folks as did n't know anythin' could
+go to a convention just as well as any one else, but Mrs. Jilkins said
+in that case she should feel as if she was wastin' her time along with a
+lot of fools, an' what she said made such a impression that in the end
+the only one as they could possibly get to go was Mrs. Macy, so they
+elected her. Mrs. Macy was n't enthusiastic about bein' elected, a
+_tall_, but Mrs. Lupey is her cousin an' Mrs. Lupey was the Meadville
+delegate, an' she says she thought as they could sit together, an' Mrs.
+Lupey wanted to go to the city anyway about reducin' her flesh, an' Mrs.
+Macy said that was sure to be interestin' for the one as Mrs. Lupey
+likes best is the one as you run chains of marbles up an' down your back
+alone by yourself, an' Mrs. Macy wanted to see them givin' Mrs. Lupey
+full directions for nothin'--she thought it would be so amusin'--an' so
+in the end she said she'd go.
+
+"Well, she says foreign folks before they come to this country is wise
+compared to her! She was tellin' me all about it this afternoon. I never
+hear such a tale--not even from Gran'ma Mullins. She says Elijah sent in
+her name an' they filed her next day an' she says they've never quit
+sendin' her the filin's ever since. I told you as I heard in the square
+she was gettin' a good deal of mail but I never mistrusted how much
+until she showed me her box for kindlin' fires next winter. Why, she
+says it's beyond all belief! The right end of the box has got the papers
+as was n't worth nothin' an' the left end has got them as is really
+valuable. Well, after I'd looked at the box we set down an' she told me
+the hide an' hair of the whole thing. She says at first she got letters
+from everybody under the sun askin' her her opinions an' views, some
+about things as she never heard of before an' others as to things as she
+considers a downright insult to consider as she might know about. But
+she says views an' insults don't really matter much, after you reach her
+age, so she let those all go into the box together an' thought she'd
+think no more about it. She says there was only just one as she really
+minded an' that was the one about her switch. Seems she was n't decided
+about even wearin' her switch to the convention, for she says it's very
+hard to get both ends of a switch fastened in at the same do-up an' one
+end looks about as funny as the other, stickin' out, but she says you
+can maybe imagine her feelin's when a man as she would n't know from
+Adam wrote her a letter beginnin', 'Hello, hello, why don't you have
+that dyed?' an' a picture of him lookin' at a picture of her very own
+switch with a microscope! She says she never was so took aback in all
+her life. There was another picture on the envelope of the man at a
+telephone an' he'd got all the other delegates' switches done an'
+hangin' up to dry for 'em an' she says she will say as the law against
+sendin' such things through the mail had certainly ought to be applied
+to that man right then an' there. She says it's years since she's got
+red from anythin' but bein' mad, but she was red from both kinds of
+woman's feelin's then an' don't you forget it. But laws, she says
+switches is child's play to what another man wrote her about his
+garters. Not her garters but his garters, mind you, Mrs. Lathrop. Would
+you believe that that other man had the face to ask her point-blank if,
+while she was in town, she'd be so kind as to give five minutes to
+comin' an' lookin' at his garters!--at _his garters_! He said they
+hooked onto his shoulders an' he just wanted a chance to tell her how
+comfortable they was. Well, she says the idea of any man's garters bein'
+of any interest to a widow was surely most new to her, an' it was all
+she could do to keep from writin' an' tellin' him so. She says she never
+hear the beat of such impertinence in all her life. Why, she says when
+she had a husband she never took no special interest in his garters as
+she recollects. She says she remembers as he used to pull up when he
+first got up in the mornin' an' then calmly wrinkle down all day, but
+she says if her lawful husband's garters' wrinkles did n't interest her,
+it ain't in reason as any other man's not wrinklin' is goin' to. But
+she says that ain't all whatever I may think (or you either, Mrs.
+Lathrop), for although the rest ain't maybe so bad, still it's bad
+enough an' you 'll both agree to that when you hear it, I know. She says
+more men wrote her, an' more, an' more, an' the things they said was
+about all she could stand, so help her Heaven! One asked her if she
+knowed she needed a new carpet an' he happened to keep carpets, an'
+another told her her house needed paintin' an' he happened to keep
+paint, an' another just come out flat as a flounder an' said if she
+knowed how old her stove was, she'd come straight to him the first
+thing, an' he happened to keep stoves. An' she says they need n't
+suppose as she was n't sharp enough to see as every last one of them
+letters was really writ to sound unselfish, but with the meanin'
+underneath of maybe gettin' her to buy somethin'.
+
+"An' then she says there come a new kind as really frightened her by
+gettin' most too intimate on postal cards."
+
+"On postal--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes--on postal cards. One wrote as she could get her husband back if
+she'd only follow his direction, an' she says the last thing she wants
+is to get her husband back, even if he is only just simply dead; an'
+another told her if she'd go through his exercises she could get fat or
+thin just as she pleased, an' the exercises was done in black without no
+clothes on around the edge of the card, an' Mrs. Macy says when Johnny
+handed her the card at the post office she like to of died then an'
+there. Why, she says they was too bad to put in a book, even--they was
+too bad to even send Mrs. Lupey!"
+
+"Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Then on Monday last still another new kind begin an' they've been
+comin' more an' more each mail. They was the convention itself beginnin'
+on her. An' she says she don't know whether they was a improvement or
+worse to come. One wrote an' told her if she was temperance to report
+to them the first thing, an' then stand shoulder to shoulder from then
+on straight through the whole week. Well, Mrs. Macy says she could n't
+consider goin' anywhere an' standin' up through a whole week so she
+wrote 'em she was for the Family Entrance, where everybody can sit down,
+an' she feels bad because she's a great believer in temperance, but she
+says she can't help it, she's got to have a chair anywhere where she's
+to stay for a week. So temperance loses Mrs. Macy. Then woman's
+sufferige did n't wait to ask her what she was, but sent her a button
+an' told her to sew it right on right then an' there. She says she was
+feelin' so bad over the temperance that she was only too glad to be
+agreeable about the button so she done it, but it's hard to button over
+on a'count of bein' a star with the usual spikes an' the only place
+where she needed a button was on her placket hole, an' a spiked button
+in the back of your petticoat is far from bein' amusin' although she
+says she can't but think as it's a very good badge for sufferige
+whenever she steps on it in steppin' out of her clothes at night. Then
+next she got a letter askin' her if she'd join the grand battalion to
+rally around the flag, an' she says it was right then an' there as she
+begin to fill the kindlin' box.
+
+"Well, she says she'd got the box half full when to-day she got the
+final slam in her face!
+
+"There came this mornin' her directions for goin' an' she says when she
+see for the first time just the whole width of what she was let in to
+she most fell over backward then an' there.
+
+"First was a badge with a very good safety pin as she can always use;
+she says she did n't mind the badge. Then there was paper tellin' her as
+she was M. 1206 an' not to let it slip her mind an' to mark everythin'
+she owned with it an' sew it in her hat an' umbrella. Then there was a
+map of the city with blue lines an' pink squares an' a sun without any
+sense shinin' square in the middle. Then there was a paper as she must
+fill out an' return by the next mail if she was meanin' to eat or sleep
+durin' the week. Then there was four labels all to be writ with her name
+an' her number an' one was for her trunk if it weighed over a hundred
+pounds, an' one was for her trunk if it weighed under a hundred pounds,
+an' one was for her trunk if it was a suit case, an' one was for her
+trunk if it was n't.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Macy says you can maybe imagine how her head was swimmin' by
+this time an' the more she read how she was to be looked out for, the
+more scared she got over what might possibly happen to her. She says it
+was just shock after shock. There was a letter offerin' to pray with her
+any time she'd telephone first, an' a letter tellin' her not to overpay
+the hack, an' a letter sayin' as it's always darkest afore dawn, an' if
+she'd got any money saved up to bring it along with her an' invest it
+by the careful advice of him as had the letter printed at his own
+expense. Why, she says she didn't know which way to turn or what to do
+next she was that mixed up.
+
+"An' then yesterday mornin' come the final bang as bu'sted Mrs. Macy!
+She got a letter from a man as said he'd meet her in the station an'
+tattoo her name right on her in the ladies' waitin'-room, so as her
+friends could easy find her an' know her body at the morgue. Well, she
+said that ended her. She says she never was one to take to bein' stuck
+an' so she just up an' wrote to Mrs. Lupey as she would n't go for love
+or money--"
+
+"Why," cried Mrs. Lathrop, "then she isn't--"
+
+"No," said Susan, "she isn't goin'. She ain't got the courage an' it's
+cruel to force her. I told her to give me the ticket an' I'd go in her
+place."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+THE BIENNIAL
+
+
+On the day that the Convention of Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop,
+having seen her friend depart, composed herself for a period of
+unmitigated repose which might possibly last, she thought, for several
+days. Susan had awakened her very early that morning to receive her back
+door key and minute instructions regarding Elijah and the chickens.
+Elijah had undertaken to look after the chickens, but Miss Clegg stated
+frankly that she should feel better during her absence if her friend
+kept a sharp eye on him during the process. "Elijah's got a good heart,"
+said the delegate, "but that don't alter his bein' a man an' as a
+consequence very poor to depend upon as to all things about the house.
+I don't say as I lay it up against him for if he was like Deacon White,
+an' had ideas of his own as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'd
+drive me mad in no time, but still I shall take it as a personal favor
+of you, Mrs. Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you see him if he's
+remembered all I told him, an' _don't_ let him forget the hen as is
+thinkin' some of settin' in the wood shed, for if she does it, she'll
+need food just as much as if she does n't do it."
+
+Then Miss Clegg departed, with her valise, her bonnet in a box, and some
+lunch in another box. She went early, for the simple reason that the
+train did the same thing, and as soon as she was gone Mrs. Lathrop, as I
+before remarked, went straight back to bed and to sleep again. She had a
+feeling that for a while at least no demand upon her energies could
+possibly be made, and it was therefore quite a shock to her when some
+hours later she heard a vigorous pounding on her back door.
+
+Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop was
+some minutes in getting to the door, and when she got there, was some
+seconds in fumbling at the lock with her dream-benumbed fingers; but in
+the end she got it open, and then was freshly paralyzed by the sight of
+her friend, standing without, with her valise, her bonnet-box, her lunch
+in the other box, and the general appearance of a weary soldier who has
+fought but not exactly won.
+
+"Why, Susan, I thought you--" began Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyes
+both popping widely open.
+
+"I did, an' I've got through an' I've come home." Miss Clegg advanced
+into the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited her belongings upon
+the table and herself upon a chair. "I've been to the convention," she
+said; then, "I've been to the convention, an' I've got through with
+that, too, an' I've got home from that, too."
+
+"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing into a more advanced stage of
+perplexity, as she came more fully to herself, noted more fully her
+friend's exceedingly battered appearance, and folding what she had
+slipped on well about her, sought her rocker.
+
+"I don't know, I'm sure," said Susan, "it beats me what anybody else
+does it for, either. But you must n't ask me questions, Mrs. Lathrop,
+partly because I'm too tired to answer them, an' partly because I've
+come over to tell you anyhow an' I can always talk faster when you don't
+try to talk at the same time."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about of her overgarment, and prepared to
+hold her tongue more tightly than ever.
+
+"In the first place," said Susan, speaking in the highly uplifted key
+which we are all apt to adopt under the stress of great excitement mixed
+with great fatigue; "in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know as Mrs.
+Macy insisted on keepin' the badge 'cause she said she wanted to work
+it into that pillow she's makin', so I had to get along with the card as
+had her number on it. As a consequence I naturally had a very hard time,
+for I could n't find Mrs. Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe from the
+start clear through to the finish. I can tell you I've had a hard day
+an' no one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to me never again. I'm too
+full of Women's Wrongs for my own comfort from now on, an' the way I've
+been treated this day makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem before
+I'd ever be a delegate to nothin' run by women again.
+
+"In the first place when I got to the train it was full an' while I was
+packin' myself into the two little angles left by a very fat man, a
+woman come through an' stuck a little flag in my bonnet without my ever
+noticin' what she done an' that little flag pretty near did me up right
+in the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin' to a Woman's Convention
+makes you everybody's business but your own from the beginnin', an' that
+little flag as that woman stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one as
+I was a delegate.
+
+"I set with a very nice lady as asked me as soon as she see the little
+flag if I knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption from one as
+has n't. I told her I did n't an' she talked about that till we got to
+town, which made the journey far from interestin' an' is goin' to make
+it very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of my life. Then we got out
+an' I got rid of her, but that did n't help me much, for I got two
+others as see the little flag right off an' they never got off nor let
+up on me. I was took to a table as they had settin' in the station
+handy, put in their own private census an' then give two books an' a map
+an' seven programs an' a newspaper an' a rose, all to carry along with
+my own things, an' then a little woman with a little black bag as had
+noticed the little flag too took me away, an' said I need n't bother
+about a thing for I could go with her an' welcome.
+
+[Illustration: "'A lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if I
+was a delegate or an alternative.'" _Page_ 119]
+
+"I did n't want to go with her, welcome or not, but they all seemed
+pleased with the arrangement, so I went with her, an' I was more'n a
+little mad for every time I dropped the rose or a program, tryin' to get
+rid of them, she'd see it an' pick it up an' give it back to me. We
+walked a little ways in that pleasant way an' then she asked me how I
+was raisin' my children, an' I said I did n't have none. She said, 'Oh
+my, what would Mr. Roosevelt say to that?' and I said it was n't his
+affair nor no other man's. I may in confidence remark as by this time I
+was gettin' a little warm, Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"We come to the convention hall after a good long walk an' I was quite
+hot two ways by that time, for I was mad an' awful tired too. The little
+woman left me then an' a lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me
+if I was a delegate or an alternative 'cause it was important to know
+right off in the beginnin'. I told her I was for Mrs. Macy an' she got
+out a book an' looked in it very carefully to see for sure whether to
+believe me or not an' then she told me to go on in. There was a door as
+squeaked an' they pushed me through it an' I found myself, bag, flag an'
+all, in the convention.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never see the beat of that place in all my life.
+They'd done what they could to make it cheerful an' homelike by paintin'
+it green at one end but it was plain to be seen as the paint soon give
+out an' towards the top the man as was paintin' must of give out too,
+for he just finished up by doing a few circles here an' there an' then
+left it mainly plain. Below was all chairs an' they'd started to
+decorate with banners but they'd given out on banners even quicker than
+on paint an' the most of the hall was most simple.
+
+"I walked up as far towards the front as I could an' then I sat down. I
+can't say as I was very comfortable nor much impressed an' the folks
+further back was very restless an' kept sayin' they could n't hear what
+was goin' on on the platform. There was a lady on the platform hammerin'
+a table for dear life an' to my order of thinkin' anybody must have been
+deaf as could n't have heard her hammerin', but she looked happy an'
+that was maybe the main thing, for a woman behind me whispered as the
+spirit of her with the hammer just filled the room. Well, I stood it as
+long as I could an' then I got up an' remarked frank an' open as if
+every one would keep still every one could easy hear. They all clapped
+at that, but the lady with the hammer could n't seem to even hear me an'
+hammered worse than ever all the while they was clappin'.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to make a long story short it was n't very
+interestin'--I will even in confidence remark as I found it pretty dull.
+I read all my seven programs an' made out as the first day was give to
+greetin' an' the next to meetin'. The next was on trees an' the one
+after that they was all goin' to drive. An' so on, an' so on. Then I
+smelt my rose some, an' a thorn stuck into my nose some an' the
+hammerin' made me very tired an' finally a woman come in an' said I had
+her seat so I give it to her with a glad heart an' come out, an' I never
+was happier to do anythin' in my whole life before. But I was hardly out
+when a lady as I had n't seen yet see my little flag an' pounced on me
+an' said was I Miss Clegg? an' I did n't see nothin' to be gained by
+sayin' I was n't so I said Yes, I was.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, that was pretty near to bein' the beginnin' of my
+end. That woman hustled me into a carriage, give my valise to the driver
+an' told him to be quick. I was too dumb did up by her actions to be
+able to think of anythin' to say so I just sit still, an' she pinned a
+purple ribbon onto me an' told me she'd read two of my books an' died
+laughin' only to look at me. I was more than afraid as she was crazy but
+she talked so fast I could n't even see a chance to open my mouth so I
+did n't try.
+
+"She said when they was gettin' ready for the convention an' dividin' up
+celebrities among themselves that she just took me right off. She said
+as she was goin' to give a lunch for me an' a dinner for me an' I don't
+know what all. She was still talkin' when the carriage stopped at a
+hotel.
+
+"She said I must n't mind a hotel much 'cause her husband minded company
+more, an' I did n't see any sort of meanin' to her remark, but David in
+the lions' den was a roarin' lion himself compared to me that minute, so
+I just walked behind her an' she took me in an' up in a elevator an'
+into a room with a bathroom an' a bouquet an' there she told me to give
+her the key of the valise an' she'd unpack while I was in the bath tub.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm sure I never had no idea of needin' a bath that
+bad when I set off for the city to-day, an' you'll maybe be surprised at
+me bein' so wax about extra washin' in her hands, but I was so wild to
+get away from her an' her steady talk by that time, that I give her the
+key an' went into the bathroom an' made up my mind as I'd try a bath all
+over at once for the first time in my life, seein' as there did n't seem
+to be nothin' else to do, an' the tub was handy.
+
+"So I undressed an' when I was undressed I begin to look where I was to
+leap. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never see such a tub as that tub in all
+your life before! There was a hole in the middle of the bottom an' the
+more water run in the more water run out. At first I could n't see how I
+was goin' to manage but after a while I figured it out an' see as there
+was nothin' for me to do but to sit on that hole an' paddle like I was
+paid for it with both hands at once to keep from being scalded while the
+tub filled from two steady spurts one boilin' an' one of ice water.
+Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never felt nothin' like that kind of a bath
+before!
+
+"If I tried to wash anywhere as was at all difficult I lost my grip on
+the hole an' the water went out with a swish as made Niagara look like a
+cow's tail afore I could possibly get in position again. I was n't more
+'n halfway down my washin' when the awfulest noise begin outside an' the
+convention itself was babes sleepin' in soothin' syrup compared to
+whatever was goin' on in that next room.
+
+"I tell you I got out of that tub in a hurry an' rubbed off as best I
+could with a very thick towel marked 'Bath' as was laid on the floor all
+ready, an' got into my clothes an' went out.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you may believe me or not just as you please, but
+it was _another_ lady with _another_ delegate with _another_ purple
+ribbon an' _another_ little flag. The ladies was very mad an' the other
+delegate was bitin' her lips an' lookin' out the window. In the end the
+ladies was so mad they went down to the telephone an' left the delegate
+an' me alone in the room together.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but
+that other delegate asked me my name an' when I told her she said it was
+her name, too. Then she laughed until she cried an' said she never hear
+anythin' to beat us. She said it was all as clear as day to her an' that
+she should write a story about it. She said about all she got out of
+life was writin' stories about it an' she never lost a chance to make a
+good one. She said she wished I'd stay with her an' I could have half
+the bed an' half of that same tub as long as I like.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, the long an' short of it was as I felt that no
+matter how kind she was I would n't never be able to be happy anywhere
+where I had to be around with a woman who talked all the time, an' sleep
+in a bed with another Susan Clegg, an' wash in a tub as you have to stop
+up with some of yourself, so I just took my things an' come home by the
+noon train an' I'll stay here one while now, too, I guess."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, I was just going to ask you where you put it," said Miss Clegg, "I
+shall need it to get in the back door."
+
+"It's--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I can get it myself," said her friend, rising. "Well, good-bye. I won't
+deny as I'm mad for my lunch won't be any the better for ridin' to town
+an' back this hot day, but the Lord fits the back to the burden, so I
+guess Elijah will be able to eat it, leastways if he don't he won't get
+nothin' else,--I know _that_, for it was him as got up the fine idea of
+sending a delegate from the sewin' society to the convention an' I don't
+thank him none for it, I know _that_."
+
+"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly.
+
+"I ain't sure," said Miss Clegg. "Elijah strikes me as more thorns than
+roses this night. I never was one to feel a longin' for new experiences,
+an' I've had too many to-day, as he'll very soon learn to his sorrow
+when he comes home to-night."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+THE FAR EASTERN TROPICS
+
+
+"You look--" said Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously, one afternoon, when Susan
+Clegg had come around by the gate to enjoy a spell of mutual sitting and
+knitting.
+
+"Well, I am," confessed Susan, unrolling her ball and drawing a long
+breath; "I may tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I really never
+was more so. What with havin' to look after Elijah's washin' an' his
+mendin' an' his cookin' an' his room, an' what with holdin' down his new
+ideas an' explainin' to people as he did n't mean what it sounds like
+when I ain't been able to hold 'em down, I do get pretty well wore out.
+I can see as Mr. Kimball sees how Elijah is wearin' on me for he gives
+me a chair whenever I go in there now an' that just shows how anxious
+he is for me to rest when I can, but it really ain't altogether Elijah's
+fault for the way my back aches to-day, for I got this ache in a way as
+you could n't possibly understand, Mrs. Lathrop, for I got it from
+sittin' up readin' a book last night as you or any ordinary person would
+of gone to sleep on the second page of an' slept clear through to the
+index; but I was built different from you an' ordinary persons, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' if I'd thanked the Lord as much as I'd ought to for that
+I'd never have had time to do nothin' else in _this_ world."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with interest.
+
+"It was a book," said her friend, beginning to knit assiduously--"a book
+as a boy he went to school with sent Mr. Fisher with a postal card,
+sayin' as every American man 'd ought to read it thoughtfully. Mrs.
+Fisher took it out of the post office an' read the postal card, an' she
+said right off as she did n't approve of Mr. Fisher's reading books as
+every man ought to know, so she let me have it to bring home an' read
+till she gets through makin' over her carpets. I brought the book home
+done up to look like it was a pie, an' I will frankly state, Mrs.
+Lathrop, as you could have dropped me dead out of any balloon when I
+found out what it was about. It was n't the kind of book the postal card
+would have led you to suppose a _tall_--it was about Asia, Mrs. Lathrop,
+the far side or the near side, just accordin' to the way you face to get
+the light while you read, an' so far from its bein' only intended for
+men it's all right for any one at all to read as has got the time. Now
+that I'm done it an' know I have n't never got to do it again, I don't
+mind telling you in confidence that for a book as could n't possibly
+have been meant to be interestin' it was about as agreeable readin' as I
+ever struck in my life. There was lots in it as was new to me, for it's
+a thick book, an' all I knowed about that part of the world before was
+as Java coffee comes from Java an' the Philippines from Spain. But I
+know it all now, an' Judge Fitch himself can't tell me nothin' from this
+day on that the man who wrote that book ain't told me first. I'll bet I
+know more about what that book 's about than any one in this community
+does, an' now that I know it I see why the man said what he did on the
+postal card for it _is_ a book as every man ought to read, an' I read in
+the paper the other day as the main trouble with the men in America was
+as they knowed all about what they did n't know nothin' about, an' did
+n't know nothin' a _tall_ about the rest."
+
+"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"But I don't see how the man that wrote it is ever goin' to make any
+money out of it," pursued her friend, "for it's pretty plain as it's
+every bit written about things that Americans don't want to really learn
+an' what the rest of the world learned long ago. If I was very patriotic
+I don't believe I'd have read it clear through to the end myself, but I
+ain't never felt any call to be patriotic since the boys throwed that
+firecracker into my henhouse last Fourth of July. I will say this for
+the hen, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that she took the firecracker a good
+deal calmer'n I could, for I was awful mad, an' any one as seed me ought
+to of felt what a good American was spoiled then an' there, for all I
+asked was to hit somethin', whether it was him as throwed the cracker or
+not an' that's what Judge Fitch always calls the real American spirit
+when he makes them band-stand speeches of his in the square. Oh my,
+though, but I wish you had n't reminded me of that hen, Mrs. Lathrop,
+her tail never will come in straight again I don't believe, an' she's
+forever hoppin' off her eggs to look out of the window since she had
+that scare."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked very sympathetic.
+
+"But about this book," Susan went on after a second of slightly
+saddened reflection. "I'm goin' to tell you all about it. Elijah 's
+goin' to write a editorial about it, too. Elijah says this business of
+downtreadin' our only colony has got to be stopped short right now as
+soon as he can call the government's attention to how to do it.
+
+"Well, the book begins very mild an' pleasant with Hongkong an' it ends
+with the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong ain't Chinese for all it's
+named that an' growed there--it's English--an' as for the Philippines
+there's eight millions of 'em, not countin' the wild ones as they can't
+catch to count an' ask questions. In between Hongkong an' the
+Philippines the man who wrote the book runs around that part of the
+world pretty lively an' tells who owns it an' what kind of roads they've
+got an' who'd better govern 'em an' all like that. You might think from
+hearin' me as he sort of put on airs over knowin' so much himself, but
+it don't sound that way a _tall_ in the book. It's when he finally got
+to the Philippines as any one can see as he really did begin to enjoy
+himself. He enjoyed himself so much that he really made me enjoy myself,
+too, although I can't in reason deny as I felt as I might not of been
+quite so happy only for that firecracker. The kind of things he says
+about our doin's in those countries is all what you don't get in the
+papers nor no other way, an' if the United States really feels they're
+in the right as to how they're actin' all they need to do is to read how
+wrong they are in that book where a man as really knows what he's
+talkin' about has got it all set down in black an' white. I don't
+believe it's generally knowed here in America as Dewey took Aguinaldo
+an' his guns over to Manila an' give him his first start at fightin' an'
+called him 'general' for a long time after they'd decided in Washington
+as how he was n't nothin' but a rebel after all. I never knowed anythin'
+about that, an' I will remark as I think there's many others as don't
+know it, neither, an' I may in confidence remark to you, Mrs. Lathrop,
+as that book leads me to think as the main trouble with the Philippines
+is as they are bein' run by folks as don't know anythin' about the place
+they're runnin' an' don't know nothin' about runnin' for anythin' but
+places. The man in the book says the Philippines ain't very well off
+being pacified, an' that the Americans ain't no great success pacifyin'
+'em, for it seems as they made five thousand expeditions after 'em in
+one year, an' only got hold of five thousand natives in all. That's a
+expedition to a man, an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as it's small wonder
+we're taxed an' they're taxed, with some of our new fellow citizens as
+hard to grab as that. To my order of thinkin' it'd be wisest to let 'em
+chase each other for ten or twenty years first an' then when they was
+pretty well thinned out we could step in an' settle with the survivors;
+but accordin' to the man who wrote the book you can't never tell a
+American nothin', an' I must say that my own experience in this
+community has proved as he knows what he's sayin' all straight enough.
+He says the Philippines is in a very bad way, an' so is their roads, but
+he says that all the folks in this country is so dead satisfied with
+their way an' poor roads that they ain't goin' to do nothin' to help
+either along any."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"He says," continued Susan, "that the United States is just so happy
+sittin' back an' observin' the Philippines, an' the Philippines is so
+far off that if they die of starvation while being observed no one'll
+ever be the wiser. He says the United States is payin' for the army, an'
+the Philippines is tryin' to live with it, an' seein' as they don't work
+much an' the Chinese is forbidden to work for 'em, he don't see no help
+nowhere. What he said about the Chinese was very interestin', for I
+never see one close to, an' it seems they're a clean race only for
+likin' to raise pigs in their garrets. It seems, too, as if you let 'em
+into any country they'll work very hard an' live very cheap an' pay most
+of the taxes with the duty on opium as they've got to eat, an' games as
+they've got to play."
+
+"I sh'd think--" said Mrs. Lathrop, looking startled.
+
+"Well, I should, too," said Susan, "but accordin' to the book the
+Philippines ain't to be allowed any such luxury as havin' the Chinese to
+develop their country an' pay their taxes. No sir, they've all got to go
+to school an' learn English first, an' although he says right out plain
+that the Philippines needs Chinese an' good roads a deal worse 'n they
+need the army an' the schools, still it's the army an' the schools as
+America is going to give them, an' they can get along without the roads
+an' the Chinese as best they can. They certainly must be gettin' a good
+deal of schoolin', but the man says all the teachers teach is English,
+an' as none of the children can speak English they don't get much
+learned. I thought I could sort of see that he thought we 'd ought to
+of straightened out the South of our own country afore we begun on any
+other part of the world, an' it _is_ the other half of the world, too,
+Mrs. Lathrop, for I looked it up on a map an' it begins right under
+Japan an' then twists off in a direction as makes you wonder how under
+the sun we come to own it anyway, an' if we did accidentally get it
+hooked on to us by Dewey's having too much steam up to be able to stop
+himself afore he'd run over the other fleet, we'd ought anyway to be
+willin' to give it away like you do the kittens you ain't got time to
+drown. The whole back of the book is full of figures to prove as it's
+the truth as has been told in front, but the man who wrote it didn't
+think much of even the figures in the Philippines for he says they put
+down some of what they spend in Mexican money an' some in American an'
+don't tell what they spend the most of it for in either case. He says he
+met some very nice men there an' they was workin' the best they knew
+how but they did n't think things were goin' well themselves an' it's
+plain to be seen that he spoke of 'em just like you give a child a cooky
+after a spankin'. What interested me most was there's a Malay country
+over there as the English began on twenty-five years ago an' have got
+railroaded an' telegraphed an' altogether civilized now, an' we've had
+the Philippines ten years an' ain't even got the live ones quieted down
+yet."
+
+"What do you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, earnestly.
+
+"Oh," said her friend, "I ain't never had no ideas on the Philippine
+question since Judge Fitch got his brother made a captain in the war
+just because he was tired supportin' him. Mr. Kimball said then as all
+wars was just got up to use up the folks as respectable people did n't
+want to have around no longer an' I must say as I believe him. Mr.
+Weskin told me as it's been quietly knowed around for hundreds of years
+as the crusades was a great success as far as gettin' 'em off was
+concerned just for that very reason, an' I guess we're hangin' on to the
+Philippines because it's a place a good long ways off to send poor
+relations after good salaries. The man who wrote the book said a man did
+n't need to know hardly anythin' to go there an' I must say from what I
+see of the few who have come back they don't look like they spent much
+spare time studyin' up while they was in the country."
+
+Susan stopped knitting suddenly and stuck her needles into the ball.
+
+"I've got to go home," she said. "I've just remembered as I forgot to
+fill the tea-kettle. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we've had a nice talk about our
+foreign possessions an' all I can say in the end is as that whole book
+made me feel just like we'd all ought to get to feel as quick as we can.
+Lots of things in this world might be better only the people that could
+change 'em don't often feel inclined that way, an' the people who'd
+like to have a change ain't the ones as have got any say. If I was a
+Philippine I'd want a Chinaman to do my work an' I'd feel pretty mad
+that folks as had so many niggers an' Italians that they did n't need
+Chinamen should say I could n't have 'em neither. I'd feel as if I
+knowed what was best for me an' I would n't thank a lot of men in
+another part of the world for sittin' down on my ideas. However, there's
+one thing that comforted me very much in the book. All the countries
+around _is_ run, an' pretty well run too, by other countries an' if the
+Philippines get too awful tired of being badly run by us all those of
+'em as know anythin' can easy paddle across to some of them well run
+countries in the front half of the book to live, an' as for the rest--"
+
+Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was sound asleep!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+THE EVILS OF DELAYED DECEASE
+
+
+"I ain't been doin' my duty by Mrs. Macy lately," said Susan Clegg to
+Mrs. Lathrop; "I declare to goodness I've been so did up with the garden
+an' Elijah an' house cleanin' this last two weeks that I don't believe
+I've even thought of the other side of the crick since I begun. I ain't
+seen Mrs. Macy either an' maybe that's one reason why I ain't done
+nothin' about her, but it ain't surprisin' as I ain't seen her for she
+ain't been here--she's been over in Meadville stayin' with the Lupeys,
+an' I must say I'm right put out with Elijah for not puttin' it in the
+paper so I'd of knowed it afore. The idea of Mrs. Macy bein' in
+Meadville for over a week an' me not hearin' of it is a thing as makes
+me feel as maybe when Gabriel blows his horn I'll just merely sit up an'
+say, 'Did you call?' But anyway she's been away an' she's got back, an'
+when I heard it in the square to-day I did n't mince up no matters none
+but I just set my legs in her direction an' walked out there as fast as
+I could. It does beat all how many changes can come about in two
+weeks!--four more pickets has been knocked off the minister's fence an'
+most every one has hatched out their chickens since I was that way last,
+but I was n't out picketin' or chickenin'; I was out after Mrs. Macy an'
+I just kept a-goin' till I got to her."
+
+"Was she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, she was," replied Susan, "an' thank the most kind an' merciful
+Heavens, there was n't no one else there, so she an' I could just sit
+down together, an' it was n't nothin' but joy for her to tell me hide
+an' hair an' inside out of her whole visit. She got back day before
+yesterday an' she had n't even unpacked her trunk yet she was that wore
+out; you can judge from that how wore out she really is, for you know
+yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as when Mrs. Macy is too wore out to dive head
+over heels into things, whether her own or other folks', she's been
+pretty well beat down to the ground. She was mighty glad to see me,
+though, even if she did n't come to the door, but only hollered from a
+chair, an' I don't know as I ever had a nicer call on her, for she went
+over everythin' inside out an' hind side before, an' it was nothin' but
+a joy for me to listen, for it seems she had a pretty sad visit first
+an' last what with being specially invited to sit up an' watch nights
+with Mrs. Kitts an' then stay to the funeral--"
+
+"Funeral!" cried Mrs. Lathrop,--"I nev--"
+
+"For after bein' specially invited to help lay her out an' go to the
+funeral," Susan repeated calmly, "Mrs. Kitts did n't die a _tall_."
+
+"Oh!" said Mrs. Lathrop, terminating the whole of a remark, for once.
+
+"No," said Susan, "an' every one else feels the same as you do about it,
+too, but it seems as it was n't to be this time. Mrs. Macy says as she
+never went through nothin' to equal these ten days dead or alive, an'
+she hopes so help her heaven to never sit up with anybody as has got
+anythin' but heart disease or the third fit of apoplexy hereafter. Why,
+she says Mr. Dill's eleven months with Mrs. Dill flat on her back was a
+child playin' with a cat an' a string in comparison to what the Lupeys
+an' her have been goin' through with Mrs. Kitts these ten days. She says
+all Meadville is witness to the way she's skinned 'em down to the bone.
+Mrs. Dill was give up by a doctor like a Christian, an' after the eleven
+months she _did_ die, but Mrs. Kitts has been give up over an' over by
+doctor after doctor till there ain't one in the whole place as ain't mad
+at her about it; an' there she is livin' yet! Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey
+is so wore out she can't talk of nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey feels very
+bitter over it; she says it's all of six years now since they turned the
+X-rays through her (an' Mrs. Macy says as Mrs. Lupey says she could sit
+right down an' cry to think how much them X-rays cost an' how little
+good they done), an' she says it's three years come April Fool's since
+old Dr. Carter tried her lungs with his new kinetoscope an' found 'em
+full of air an' nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey says she's always had so much
+faith in old Dr. Carter an' she had faith in him then, an' was so sweet
+an' trustin' when he come with the machine, an' after he was done she
+fully believed his word of honor as to everythin', an' that was why they
+went an' bought her that bell an' oh heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I only
+wish you _could_ hear Mrs. Macy on Mrs. Kitts' bell! It seems that kind
+of bell is a new invention an' as soon as any one is give up for good
+the doctor as gives 'em up sends a postal to the man as keeps 'em, an'
+then the man sends it for three days on trial an' then the family buy
+it, because it lets 'em all sleep easy. Well, Mrs. Macy says it's the
+quietest lookin' small thing you ever see, but she says Great Scott,
+Holy Moses, an' ginger tea, the way it works! You only need to put your
+hand on it an' just stir it an' it unhooks inside like one of them new
+patent mouse traps as catch you ten times to every once they catch a
+mouse, an' then it begins to ring like a fire alarm an' bang like the
+Fourth of July, an' it don't never stop itself again until some one as
+is perfectly healthy comes tearin' barefoot from somewhere to turn it
+over an' hook it up an' get Mrs. Kitts whatever she wants."
+
+"I should--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I guess they would, too," said Susan; "I guess they'd be only too glad
+to. Why, Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as it was all they could do to
+live in the house with her mother when she did n't have nothin' but a
+stick to pound on the floor with, but she says since she's got that
+bell--! Well! Mrs. Macy says as they're all four worn into just
+frazzles with it, an' Judy is got so nervous with it going off sudden
+when Busby an' she is thinkin' about other things that she begins
+twitchin' the minute the bell begins ringin' an' they've had to hire a
+electric battery to soothe her with while Faith an' Maria is racin' for
+the bell. Mrs. Macy says it's somethin' just awful first, last, an'
+forever, an' Mrs. Lupey told her in confidence as it was Heaven's own
+truth as they had n't none of them woke of their own accords once since
+it was bought."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Macy says she's a pretty good judge of sick folks an' she
+judged Mrs. Kitts for all she was worth, an' she could n't feel as she
+ought in politeness to say anythin' 'cause the Lupeys sent her the
+round-trip ticket to go an' come back with. But she says just between
+her an' me an' not to let it go any further, that to _her_ order of
+thinkin' (an' she'll take her Bible oath to it anywhere) Mrs. Kitts
+looks like one of those oldest survivor kinds as they print in the city
+Sunday papers every week. She says she ain't got the quiet, give-up
+manner of a person as is really quiet an' really givin' up--she's got
+the spry air of a person as likes to keep the whole family jumpin' quick
+whenever they speak. She says Mrs. Lupey says as she really does get
+awful low just often enough to keep their courage up, but Mrs. Macy says
+Mrs. Lupey is easy fooled because them's the sort as outlives all their
+families in the end always. But seems as her gettin' low an' then
+raisin' up again ain't the only tough part for it seems as she was so
+low last fall that they really felt safe to send Maria up to the city to
+buy their mournin' at a bargain sale for there's four of 'em an' they
+want the veils thick so they'll look sorry from the outside anyhow. And
+Maria did go, an'-- Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I will say as to hear about it
+all does go through one even if it ain't my personal crape! Seems as the
+clerk asked Maria if it was for a deep family mournin' or just a light
+friendly mournin', an' Maria told him it was _goin'_ to be for her
+grandmother. Seems he was n't very polite about it, coughed a good deal
+behind his hand an' such doin's, until Maria got real vexed an' so mad
+over thinkin' as maybe it was n't all coughin' as he was keepin' his
+hand over that she lost her wits an' went to work an' bought most twice
+the crape she needed just to show him as she was n't tryin' to save
+nothin' on her grandmother, whatever _he_ might think. So now Mrs. Macy
+says, added to Mrs. Kitts an' the bell they've got the care of all that
+crape on their hands, an' the damp gathers in it just awful on rainy
+days, an' of course no Christian can sun twenty yards of crape on their
+clothesline when the dead person ain't died yet, so they're wild over
+that, too. They've made their skirts themselves, an' they wanted to do
+their waists, only what with the way sleeves is puffin' out an' slimmin'
+up an' fronts is first hangin' over an' then hookin' down, the back it
+just does seem out of the question. They've worried a lot over the veils
+since they was bought 'cause they wanted to get into 'em last winter so
+as to get out of 'em by last spring, an' then even when Mrs. Kitts
+rallied from her Christmas dinner, they thought maybe they could still
+be out of 'em by the Fourth of July; but now--Heavens! Mrs. Macy says
+they don't ask to get out of 'em any more; all they ask is to get _into_
+'em, an' goodness knows when that is _ever_ goin' to happen. She says
+Mrs. Lupey says what with Judy's divorce an' Mrs. Kitts livin' right
+along she's going to get moths into her things for the first time in her
+life, she just knows she is. It's a pretty hard case any one can see,
+an' of course seein' Mrs. Kitts live like that may get Busby Bell all
+out of the notion of marryin' Judy, for of course no man ain't goin' to
+like to look forward to Mrs. Lupey's livin' like that too, maybe--or
+maybe Judy 'll live herself--you never can tell. Mrs. Macy says Mrs.
+Lupey says she never guessed as sorrow could come so near to breakin'
+your back as losin' a grandmother is breakin' theirs. She says when
+she's really lost it won't be so bad 'cause they can all put on their
+crape veils an' go straight to bed an' to sleep, but she says this long
+drawn out losin' of her with that bell throwed into the bargain is
+somethin' calculated to make a saint out of a Chinaman, an' nothin' more
+nor less."
+
+"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I tell you, they _can't_," said Susan; "they want to bad enough, but
+they can't do it. Mrs. Kitts is too smart for that. She keeps her eagle
+eye on it awake, an' her whole hand on the little string when she's
+asleep, an' drums 'em up to know if the clock is really right, or if she
+feels anyways disposed to smell of cologne. Some nights she rolls on the
+string in her sleep, an' then the bell wakes her along with the rest of
+'em, which Mrs. Macy says is a-doin' more aggravatin' to the Lupeys
+than any words can do justice to. Mrs. Macy says as she really does
+believe that if Mrs. Kitts took a fancy to oysters in August she'd be
+fully equal to ringin' that bell for 'em till September came an' they
+could get 'em for her. She says it would be just like her, she does
+declare. Mrs. Macy says she sit with Mrs. Kitts considerable an' Mrs.
+Kitts was very pleasant to her, an' give her two pair of black lace
+mitts an' a pin, but she found out afterwards as the mitts was Mrs.
+Lupey's an' the pin was Maria's, so after that she see just how the
+family felt about her an' her ways. Mrs. Macy says the whole thing is a
+tragedy right out of Shakespeare an' the only pleasant thing about her
+whole visit was as it did n't cost her nothin'."
+
+"Did she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about that. She see him four times. I
+don't know as she wants it generally known, but I wanted to know about
+it so I got it out of her. It does beat all, Mrs. Lathrop, how a woman
+of Mrs. Macy's sense, with a income that's only a little too small to
+get along on, can want to marry any man again. But she seems kind of
+crazy on the idea, an' if it ain't Mr. Dill, it's goin' to be Dr.
+Carter, or bu'st, with her. She says she went to his office just to let
+him know she was in Meadville, an' then she see him on the street, an'
+then she went to his office again to ask him his real opinion of Mrs.
+Kitts, an' then just before she left she went to his office again to let
+him know as she was goin' to come back here. So she see him four times
+in all."
+
+"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, he told her as he would n't be surprised if any of 'em died any
+day. That is, any of 'em except Mrs. Kitts. He did n't seem to think as
+Mrs. Kitts would ever die."
+
+"What do--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, I saw there was nothin' else as Mrs. Macy could talk about just now
+so I come home an' then I come over here. I declare though, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I can't help bein' a little blue to-night. Of course I ain't
+any real relation to you, but we've been neighbors so long that I can't
+help feelin' a little bit uneasy over thinkin' of Mrs. Kitts an'
+wonderin' how long you may be goin' to live in the end."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
+
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Susan Clegg one pleasant May evening, as she
+and her devoted listener leaned their elbows on the top rail of the
+fence, "I can't but thank Heaven as these boards is the only thing as
+you ever take opposite sides from me on. I don't say as your never
+disagreein' ain't sometimes wearin', but there _are_ days as I feel I'd
+enjoy a little discussion an' then Elijah an' I discuss on those days
+till it seems like I can't live to get to you an' do it all alone by
+myself. Elijah's a very young man but he's a man after all an' there's
+somethin' about a man as makes him not able to see any side of anythin'
+except his own side. Now it don't make any difference what we talk
+about I _always_ take the other side, an' I will in confidence remark as
+the South fightin' Grant had a easy job compared to me tryin' to get
+Elijah to see any side but his own. Elijah's a very pig-headed young man
+an' I declare I don't know I'm sure what ailed him last night--seemed as
+if he was up a tree about somethin' as made him just wild over the
+Democratic party. I must say--an' I said it to his face, too--as to my
+order of thinkin' takin' sides about the Democrats nowadays is like
+takin' sides with Pharaoh after the Red Sea had swallowed him an' all
+his chariots up forever, but Elijah never gives up to no man, an' he
+said, not so, the Democrats was still ready to be the salvation of the
+country if only Bryan would give 'em a chance. He says they 've been
+handicapped so far an' it's very tryin' for any party to have to choose
+between a donkey an' a tiger for its picture of itself, for no sensible
+person likes to have to ride on either, an' no politics could _ever_
+make a success of a donkey for a mascot, whether you judge him from his
+ears or his heels. I had it in my mind to say somethin' then about
+turnin' around an' takin' a fresh start with a fresh animal as a
+sensible person would find it nothin' but a joy to ride, but Elijah,
+like all newspapers, rips a thing up the back an' then shows you how you
+can't do better than to sew up the tear an' go on wearin' it again, so
+after he'd skinned the donkey an' the tiger both alive, so to speak, he
+went on to say as never's a long game an' him laughs best who keeps
+sober longest an' altogether his own feelin' was as America 'll soon
+perceive her only hope lays in electin' a new Democratic party. I just
+broke in then an' told him it looked to me as if the natural run of
+mankind would n't let Grover Cleveland skip eight years an' then try it
+again more 'n six times more, an' that if the Republicans keep it up as
+they have awhile longer no money won't be able to get 'em out 'cause
+they'll have all the money there is in the country right in with them,
+but by that time Elijah'd got his breath, an' he just shook his head an'
+asked me if I remembered what a lot of fuss the first billion dollar
+congress made an' if I'd observed how calm they was took now? I told him
+I had an' then we went at it hammer an' tongs, Elijah for the Democrats
+an' me against 'em, although I must say I wished he'd give me the other
+side, for in spite of their actin' so silly I must say I always have a
+feelin' as the most of the Democrats is tryin' to be honest which is
+somethin' as even their best friend couldn't say of the most of the
+Republicans as a general thing."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, I did, an' I don't know but we'd be talkin' yet only Mr. Dill come
+in on us to ask me if I would n't consider takin' Gran'ma Mullins to
+board for a month or two, just to see how Hiram an' Lucy would get along
+if they had the house all alone to themselves."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I told him I'd think about it," said Miss Clegg. "I don't know
+I'm sure why I should bed an' board Gran'ma Mullins to help Lucy an'
+Hiram to try to get along any better. They 're a good deal more
+interestin' to talk about the way they're gettin' along now. I never see
+Mrs. Macy but what she has somethin' amusin' to tell me about Hiram an'
+Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins, an' I like to hear it. She says the other
+night they was all three runnin' round the house one after another for a
+hour an' she said she most died laughin' to watch 'em. Seems Lucy got
+mad an' started to run after Hiram to pull his hair, an' Gran'ma Mullins
+was so scared for fear she _would_ pull his hair that she run after Lucy
+to ask her not to do it. Hiram run so much faster than Lucy that finally
+he caught up with Gran'ma Mullins an' then they all went to bed. Mrs.
+Macy says that's the way they act all the time, an' she certainly would
+n't see any more than I should why I should break up the family. I'm
+sure I never cooked up that marriage an' I told Mr. Dill so. I asked him
+why he did n't take Gran'ma Mullins to board with him, if he was so wild
+to get her away from Lucy, but he said he did n't think it'd be proper,
+an' I said I did n't say nothin' about _bed_--I just spoke about board,
+an' if there was anythin' as was n't proper about boardin' Gran'ma
+Mullins he'd ought not to of mentioned the subject to me."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, there was n't nothin' left for him to say then, of course; but law!
+I did n't see no use mooley-cowin' around Mr. Dill; what I wanted was
+for him to go so Elijah an' me could go on discussin'. Elijah thinks our
+paper ought to come out strong now that we've got one an' he said he
+would in confidence remark to me as he intended to say some very pointed
+things soon. He says all the editors in the country know as the plans
+an' the parties is all fixed up beforehand nowadays; the Republicans
+say how many they'll have in each state an' then they never fail to have
+'em an' that's a national disgrace for nobody ought to know beforehand
+how a election is goin' to pan out for it would n't be possible if folks
+was anyways honest. He says for a carefully planned an' worked up thing
+a Republican victory is about the tamest surprise as this country ever
+gets nowadays, an' yet we keep on gettin' them an' openin' our eyes over
+'em every four years like they was somethin' new.
+
+"I bu'st in then an' said as there was sure to come a change afore long
+with prices goin' up like they is an' a reaction bound to drop in the
+end. Elijah laughed then an' said he knowed well enough as when the
+deluge come the Republicans would grab the Democrats an' hold 'em just
+like that rich man who grabbed the clerk an' held him in front of him,
+when they throwed that bomb at him in his office."
+
+"At the--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, opening her eyes.
+
+"Yes, the bomb was meant for him, but he held the clerk in front of him
+so the clerk caught it all. That's what they call presence of mind, an'
+as far as my observation 's extended, Mrs. Lathrop, the Republicans have
+got full as much of it--they must have, for they both make money right
+straight along an' I've observed myself as they always step out when a
+crash comes an' let the Democrats in to do the economizin' till there's
+enough money saved up to make it worth while for them to take hold again
+which comes to much the same thing in the end. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop,
+I see after a little as it was n't no use talkin' to Elijah so I just
+had to listen to him an' he really did kind of frighten me in the end.
+Livin' with an editor an' readin' that book of Mr. Fisher's has opened
+my eyes to a many new ideas. I've lived in a small town all my life but
+I've got brains an' there's no use denyin' as a woman with brains can
+apply 'em to the president just as easy as to the minister, once she
+gets to thinkin' on the subject. This country is in a very bad way an'
+it's all owin' to our bein' satisfied with what's told us an' not
+lookin' into nothin' for ourselves. We've got the Philippines now an'
+we've got Hawaii an' we've got the niggers an' we've got ever so many
+other things. We've got the Mormons down to one wife as a general thing
+an' the Italians comin' in by the thousands an' more old soldiers bein'
+born every year an' the fifth generation of Revolutionary orphans out
+filin' their pensions--an' we owe 'em all to the Republicans. Elijah
+says we owe 'em a lot else, too, but I think that's enough in all
+conscience. Elijah says too it costs a third more to live than it did
+ten years ago an' he knows that for a fact, an' you an' I know that,
+too, Mrs. Lathrop. Coal's gone up an' everythin' else. I tell you I got
+kind of blue, thinkin' about it after I went to bed last night an' it
+took me a long time to remember as Elijah was maybe more upset over not
+bein' able to go an' see 'Liza Em'ly on account of the rain, than
+anythin' else; but then too, Mr. Shores is very much cast down over the
+country, only I must admit as it's more 'n likely as he ain't really
+half as mournful over the Democrats as he is over his wife; an' then
+there's Judge Fitch as is always mad over politics an' we all know that
+that's just 'cause he's always been called 'judge' ever since he was
+born, an' nobody ain't never made him judge of nothin' bigger 'n us yet.
+I guess if he was sure as our paper could get him elected to congress
+he'd cheer up pretty quick, but he told me yesterday as Elijah did n't
+know how to conduct a campaign to his order of thinkin'. He don't like
+that cut of Elijah's being David to the city papers bein' Goliath. He
+says a cut to do him any good had ought to have him in it somewhere an'
+I don't know but what he's right.
+
+"But, Mrs. Lathrop, we are mighty bad off an' that's a fact, but still I
+will say this much an' that is that as far as my observation 's
+extended folks as complains openly of anythin' is always findin' fault
+with the thing because there's some secret thing as they can't find
+fault openly with, like Elijah an' the rain, an' Mr. Shores an' his
+wife. The world's great for takin' its private miseries out publicly in
+some other direction, an' my own feelin' is as the Democrats is a great
+comfort to every one as the Republicans can't very conveniently give
+nothin' to these days. If the president was to suddenly make Sam Duruy a
+minister to somewhere there'd be a great change of opinion as to
+politics in this town, you'd see. It would n't give Sam any more brains,
+but every one 'd be pleased an' the Democrats would n't cut no figure no
+more."
+
+"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"That's just it," said Susan, "that's just the trouble. We're like most
+of the rest of America an' the whole of Cuba an' the Philippines, too
+little an' too far off to make the big folks really care whether we
+like the way they do or not. I don't have no idea of carin' whether
+potato bugs mind bein' picked or not, an' no matter what they said about
+me before or after their pickin' it 'd be all one to me. An' that's just
+about the way our government feels about us. An' I guess most other
+governments is much the same. Which is probably the reason why potato
+bugs is gettin' worse an' thicker all the time."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY
+
+
+As Susan set the basket down it began to squawk.
+
+"I don't care," she said, "let it squawk!"
+
+"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in whose kitchen Susan had set the
+basket down and in whose kitchen chair Susan was now sitting herself
+down.
+
+"Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I guess it's made trouble enough for
+others so that I may in all confidence feel to set a little while
+without troublin' about it myself. I look upon it that I was very kind
+to take it anyhow, not havin' no idea how it'll agree with the chickens
+when it comes to eatin' with them or with me when it comes to me eatin'
+it, for you know as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs. Lathrop, but
+still a friend is a friend, an' in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the least
+her friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins to stay with her an' for me
+to take the duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit up with a
+under-the-weather neighbor, but she said she could _not_ take a duck on
+her mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for I will in confidence
+remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as you only need to be in the room with that duck
+two minutes to see as the Prodigal Son was fully an' freely whipped in
+comparison to the way as he's been dealt with."
+
+"I really--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I don't know but it _will_ be savin' of breath in the end," said
+Miss Clegg, and thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking basket,
+bore it into the next room, and coming out, shut the connecting door
+firmly behind her.
+
+"Where under the--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"It's really quite a long story," returned her friend; "but I come in
+just to tell you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an' it begun when she
+went in town yesterday mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an' I
+will say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials right along one after
+another I never hear of an' to see her sittin' there now in her carpet
+slippers with a capsicum plaster to her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin'
+her tea every minute she ain't makin' her toast is enough to make any
+one as is as soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any duck whether it's
+spoiled or not. An' so I took this duck."
+
+"Well, I--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"You think not now," said Susan, "but you soon will when I tell you, for
+as I said before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm goin' to begin
+right off. It's a long story an' one as 'll take time to tell, but you
+know me an' you know as I always take time to tell you everythin' so you
+can rely on gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this; an' you'll get it
+fresh from the spout too, for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an' Mrs.
+Macy's so fresh from her trials that they was still holdin' the plaster
+on to her when I left."
+
+"But--" expostulated the listener.
+
+"Well, now this is how it was," said Miss Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'way
+back in the beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for it's very
+needful to have it straight so as to understand just why she is so nigh
+to half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as gets mad easy, an' so it's well
+for us as has got to live in the same town with her to well an' clearly
+learn just how much it takes to use her up.
+
+"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go to
+town to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was goin' to take lunch with
+Busby Bell's cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at the Lupeys' in
+Meadville, 'cause they only live three-quarters of an hour from town on
+two changes of the electric, an' Mrs. Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any time
+she or her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd be nothin' but happy
+to have 'em drop in on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' her
+husband's sister, too, so company was n't no work for her herself. Well,
+Mrs. Macy was goin' to the city an' so she looked up the address an'
+made up her mind to go there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address on
+one side of the piece of paper as she had in her black bag an' she wrote
+her shoes on the other side, for she says they're a new kind of shoes as
+is warranted not to pinch you in the back, by every magazine an'
+newspaper--an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on bein' pinched; why, she
+says she give up belts an' took to carpet slippers just for the very
+reason as she could _not_ stand bein' pinched nowhere.
+
+"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how any
+one could remember 'em off of paper _she_ can't see anyhow, an' Luther
+Stott's wife lives 2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an' that was very
+important too, for there's seven other Eleventh Avenues in the city
+besides eight Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part of the city is
+laid out that way so as to make it simple to them as knows where they
+live anyhow.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her bonnet as happy as any one looks to
+be afore they know they're goin' to be the first to have a new invention
+tried on 'em an' then she locked up her house an' set off. She says she
+never was great on new inventions for she's lived under a lightnin' rod
+for pretty near forty years an' never come anywhere nigh to be struck
+once yet, but she says she has now learned to her sorrow as bein' fooled
+by a lightnin' rod man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein' fooled by
+a minister for forty years ahead, for she says she'll lose her guess if
+this last foolin' don't last forty years or even longer if she lives
+that long, an' make her wear her felt slippers all the forty years too.
+
+"Well, she says of course you might know as it would be the minister as
+done her up first on this day of misery, an' it _was_ the minister! She
+says after that donation party to fix him out with new shirts last week
+she surely looked to be spared any further inflictions from him for one
+while; she says the idea as the congregation is expected to shirt the
+minister was surely most new to her, an' she was dead set against it at
+first, but she says she come to the fore an' was one to help make him
+the six when she see as it was expected to be her duty as a Christian,
+but she says she surely hoped when she hemmed the tail of the last one
+as she'd seen the last of him for a good breathin' spell.
+
+"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't to be, an' so she learned to her
+keen an' pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she was n't more 'n
+fairly on her way to town when she run square up to him on the bridge
+an' as a result was just in time to be the first for him to try his new
+memory system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins an' me with tears in her
+eyes an' her felt slippers solemnly crossed on top of each other, as
+she can not see why it had to be her of all people an' her shoes of all
+things, for she says--an' I certainly felt to agree, Mrs. Lathrop--as if
+there's anythin' on the wide earth as you _don't_ want to apply a memory
+system to it's your shoes, for shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new memory system of the minister's
+is a thing as he got out of a Sunday School magazine in reward for
+workin' out a puzzle. Seems you guess big cities till their capital
+letters spell 'Memory,' an' then you send the answers to the magazine
+an' a dollar for postage an' packin' an' then they send you the memory
+system complete in one book for nothin' a _tall_. Or you can add in a
+two-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but the minister guessed 'cause he
+felt as in his circumstances he had n't ought to waste even two cents!
+Seems as they had a most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti for the
+'Y,' an' for a while they was most afraid they'd have to be reckless
+with two cents, but they got it in the end an' sent 'em all off, an' the
+book come back with a injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no one
+stamped on every page. Seems it come back day before yesterday an' the
+minister sat up most of the night commemoratin' the theory, an' then
+Mrs. Macy says he just got it into him in time for Fate to let him go
+an' be flung at her right on the bridge! She says she was n't no more
+mistrustin' trouble than any one does when they meet a loose minister
+out walkin' an' she says she can't well see how any woman meetin' a man
+across a bridge can be blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped a new
+principle an' is dyin' to apply it to the first thing handy.
+
+"She says he asked her where she was goin' an' she told him frank an'
+open as she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes as was warranted not
+to pinch. She says he asked her what kind of shoes they was an' she
+opened her little bag an' got out the paper an' read him as they was
+Kulosis shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote down an' she told him
+as she had it wrote down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe get
+pinched again.
+
+"Well, she says she was standin' sideways an' was n't watchin'
+particular, so she was n't in no state to suspect nothin' when he told
+her as she could easy throw that piece of paper away an' go to town
+without it. She says she told him as she knowed that she could easy
+throw the piece of paper away an' go to town without it, but how was she
+to remember her shoes which was the reason why she was takin' the piece
+of paper along with her? Then she says as he said as he'd show her how
+to remember her shoes an' welcome an' she says as she thought as long as
+it was welcome she might as well stand still, so she did.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but
+the first thing he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded her of,
+which struck her as most strange in the start out. But she told him as
+it did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an' let it go at that, an'
+she says it was plain as then he had to think of somethin' as it _could_
+remind somebody of, an' she says he certainly did have to think a long
+while an' when he said finally as it reminded _him_ of four noses.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she never heard the beat of that in
+all her born days, an' her mind went back to her childhood days an' a
+uncle she had, an' the Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'd
+surely been drinkin'; she says she was so took aback that he see it in
+her face an' told her right then an' there as it was a memory system.
+Seems as the key to the whole is as you must reduce everythin' to Mother
+Goose so as not to need the brains as you've growed since, an' the
+minister told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple to apply. He went
+on to ask her what did four noses remind her of, an' she says she
+thought she see the whole game at that an' told him as quick as scat
+that they reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my, seems that ain't the way
+it goes a _tall_, an' he begin an' explained it all over again, an'
+where he come out in the end was as four noses would just naturally
+remind any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy of 'Two legs sat upon
+three legs.' You know the rhyme in Mother Goose where the dog is four
+legs an' gets the mutton as is one leg in the man's lap?
+
+[Illustration: "'Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at _that_.'"
+_Page_ 179.]
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe understand as Mrs. Macy was just
+about plum paralyzed at _that_! Her story is as she just stood afore him
+with her mouth open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin' what under the
+sun she was goin' to be asked to remember next, an' when he said that
+was all, an' for her just to simply tear up the paper, she forgot all
+about Luther Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the paper. He said for
+her to go right along to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two legs sat
+upon three legs' to get her her shoes, an' she says what with bein' so
+dumbfoundered, an' what with him bein' the minister into the bargain,
+she went along to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be able to do it.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could hear Mrs. Macy for that ain't
+nothin' but the beginnin', whatever you may think, an' the rest gets
+awfuller an' awfuller!
+
+"In the first place talkin' so long for the minister made her have to
+run for the train, an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on a run. She said
+she got so hot, as she was not only on a run but mostly on a pour all
+the way to town. Why, she says it was most terrible an' she says nothin'
+ever give her such a idea as she was a born fool afore, for with it all
+she had to keep on sayin' 'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as a
+clock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget it that she did n't dare even
+take her usual little nap on the way an' so had no choice but to land
+all wore out.
+
+"Well, as soon as she was landed she remembered about Luther Stott's
+wife bein' on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently tore up
+along with her shoes, an' she says the start she got over rememberin'
+havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove what 'Two legs sat upon three
+legs' was to remind her of clean out of her head, not to speak of havin'
+long since lost track of the way to get any connection between that an'
+her shoes.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd of been there to hear! She says
+nobody ever did afore! She says she went up one street an' down another
+like a lost soul, lookin' for a policeman. She says she felt she did n't
+know where to find nothin'. She could n't look for Luther in the
+directory 'cause he's long dead an' only his wife lives there, an' as
+for her shoes she was clean beside herself. She says she was so mad at
+the minister as she'd have throwed away her baptism an' her marriage
+then an' there just because it was ministers as done 'em both to her,
+if there'd been anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just put her pride
+into her pocket, went into a shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Two
+legs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of anythin' in the way of shoes.
+She says the man looked at her in a way as passed all belief an' said it
+reminded him more of pants than shoes.
+
+"Well, she says she went out into the street at that an' her heart was
+too low for any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she was wanderin'
+along who should she meet but Drusilla Cobb?
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla Cobb! You know what she was afore
+she left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't altered her a _tall_.
+Whenever Drusilla was glad to see any one she always had a reason, an'
+Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how clean used up she was over her
+shoes that she never remembered that way of Drusilla's. Drusilla never
+saw no one on the street unless she had a reason, an' if she had a
+reason it was Heaven help them as Drusilla saw on the street.
+
+"So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked her right home to lunch with her,
+an' Mrs. Macy very gladly went. She says no words can tell how lively
+an' pleasant Drusilla was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all the
+way home. She says Drusilla has a very nice home an' a thin husband an'
+three very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the only fat one in the
+family."
+
+Susan paused and drew a long breath.
+
+Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new position.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the duck comes in. The duck was
+Drusilla's reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs. Macy says if any one
+had told her as she was to go to town for shoes an' bring back a duck,
+or be did in one day first by the minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb,
+she'd take her Bible oath as whoever said it was lyin', but so it was."
+
+"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes," said Miss Clegg, "it's the same one. An' this is its why as told
+by Mrs. Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me." She paused and drew a still
+longer breath. "Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband had got a
+friend as goes huntin' with a doctor. Seems he found four little
+red-headed things in a nest of reeds an' took one an' asked the doctor
+what it was. Seems the doctor said as he thought as it was a
+golden-headed oriole but the friend thought as it was a mud hen. So he
+give it to Drusilla's youngest boy to raise in a flat for his birthday.
+Well, Mrs. Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely most new to the
+animal as very soon turned out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all the
+black spots in the carpets for bugs an' when they put it in the bath-tub
+to swim it would n't swim but just kept diving for the hole in the
+bottom. Seems they had a most lively time with it an' it run after 'em
+everywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons an' squawked nights, an'
+when Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right off as she could give her
+the duck to take home with her 'cause she lived in the country. So that
+was how Mrs. Macy come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's so
+dreadful pleasant.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as she no more mistrusted what
+travelin' with a duck is than anythin', so although she could n't say as
+she really relishes any duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it could
+swim in the crick, an' maybe grow to be a comfort, so she let them put
+it in a basket, an' give her a envelope of dead flies for it to lunch
+on, an' she set off for home. She had to wait a long time for a car an'
+the duck was so restless it eat eight flies an' bit her twice waitin',
+but finally the car come along an' she an' the duck got on. Well, Mrs.
+Lathrop, she says you never hear nothin' like that duck when it felt
+itself on a electric car! The conductor heard it an' come runnin' an'
+stopped the car an' put 'em both off afore she realized as she was
+gettin' off for her duck instead of her depot.
+
+"So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high an' dry in a strange part of the
+city alone with a duck out of the goodness of her heart. You can maybe
+believe as she was very far from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb when
+she realized as she couldn't take no car with no duck an' didn't know
+Drusilla's number to take her back her duck, neither. Mrs. Macy says as
+she felt herself slowly growin' mad an' she went into a store near by
+an' asked 'em if they had a telephone. They said they had, an' she says
+she never will know what possessed her but she just looked that
+telephone square in the eye an' told it to get her the president of the
+car company without a second's delay. She says it was astonishin' how
+quick it got her somebody an' as soon as they'd each said 'Hello' polite
+enough, she just up an' asked him to please tell her the difference
+between a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says he did n't say nothin'
+for a minute an' then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble manner, an'
+she asked him it right over again. Then she said he was more nervous an'
+made very queer noises an' finally asked her what in Noah's ark she
+wanted to know for. She says she could n't but think that very ill-bred,
+considerin' her age, but she was in a situation where she had to
+overlook anythin', so she told him as she knowed an' he knowed, too, as
+any one could take a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an' never know what
+it was to be put off for nothin'. She said he shook the wire a little
+more an' then asked her if she was meanin' to lead him to infer that she
+had been injected from a car with a duck. She says his tone was so
+disrespectful that she felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told him
+so far from bein' injected she'd been put out an' off a car an' she had
+the duck right with her to prove it. He told her as he would advise her
+to try to do the duck up in a derby hat an' smuggle him through that
+way, an' then without a word more he hung up.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about never was so mad afore. She says
+when she turned around all the men in the store was laughin' an' that
+made her madder yet, but there was one on 'em as said he felt for her
+'cause he owned a pair of ducks himself, an' he went in the back of the
+store an' found a old hat-box as was pretty large an' he went to work
+an' took the duck out of the basket an' put him into the box an' give
+Mrs. Macy 'em both to carry an' put her on another car an' she set off
+again.
+
+"Well, that time she got to the depot all safe, an' if there was n't old
+Dr. Carter from Meadville an' it goes without sayin' as old Dr. Carter
+from Meadville could drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's head, so
+she an' he set out to be real happy to the Junction, an' the first thing
+he asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new bonnet in town an' she
+laughed an' give the box a little heave an' the bottom come out an' the
+duck flew down the car.
+
+[Illustration: "'The bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car.'"
+_Page_ 188.]
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe guess as that was most tryin' both to
+Mrs. Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an' was both wedged in
+one seat expectin' to enjoy all they could of each other to the
+Junction. Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge himself an' catchin' the
+duck was a most awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off just about
+as soon as it was done. Well, Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duck
+seems to make every one feel as free as air, an' a man come right off
+an' sat with her right off an' asked her right off whether it was a duck
+or a drake. Why, she says she never did--not in all her life--an' he
+told her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider an' givin' it to the
+duck an' if he took it it was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck.
+He asked her if it was n't so an' she said she could n't deny it, an'
+then he went back to his own seat an' she rode the rest of the way
+tryin' to figure on where the hitch was in what he said, for she says as
+she certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet you can't deny that it's
+all straight about the spider an' the he and the she.
+
+"Well, so she got home an' went right up to her house, put the duck in
+the rat trap, an' went over to ask the minister about her shoes, an'
+what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think! The minister had
+clean forgot himself! He was sittin' there on his piazza advisin' Mrs.
+Brown to make her pound-cake by sayin' 'One, two, three, Mother caught a
+flea,' the flea bein' the butter, an' Mrs. Macy says it was plain to be
+seen as he was n't a bit pleased at her comin' in that way to have his
+memory system applied to her backward.
+
+"She says after that she went home to the duck madder 'n ever an' put on
+her felt slippers an' made up her mind as she'd make up for her lost day
+by rippin' up her old carpets, an' that was the crownin' pyramid in her
+Egyptian darkness, for it's the carpet as has ended her."
+
+"Oh--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, she's alive," said Susan, "but she ain't much more 'n alive, an'
+it's a wonder that she's that, an' it would be very bad for her if she
+was n't, for young Dr. Brown says she can die fifty times before he'll
+ever go near her again. He's awful mad an' he's got a bad bump on his
+nose too where he fell over her, an' Mrs. Sweet's got to stay in bed
+three days too for her arm where she dislocated it jerkin'--although
+goodness knows what she tried jerkin' for--for I'd as soon think of
+tryin' to jerk a elephant from under a whale as to try to jerk Mrs. Macy
+from under a carpet. An' even with it all they could n't get her up an'
+had to get the blacksmith's crowbar an' pry, an' Mrs. Sweet says if any
+one doubts as pryin' is painful they'd ought to of been there to hear
+Mrs. Macy an' see Hiram an' the blacksmith."
+
+"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I'm goin' to tell you if you'll just keep still a little longer an' let
+me get through to the end," said her friend. "I got this part all back
+an' forth an' upside down from Mrs. Sweet while I was takin' her home by
+the other arm. Oh, my, but it's awful about her, for she was preservin'
+an' wanted a extra cullender an' lost her right arm in consequence. I
+hope her experience 'll be a lesson to you, Mrs. Lathrop, for it's been
+such a lesson to me that I may mention right here an' now 't if I ever
+hear you hollerin' I shall put for the opposite direction as quick as I
+can for I would n't never take no chances at gettin' dislocated like
+Mrs. Sweet is--not if I knew it. Young Dr. Brown says she's decapitated
+the angular connection between her collar bone an' somewhere else, an'
+she says she can well believe it judgin' from the way her ear keeps
+shootin' into her wrist an' back again."
+
+"But--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know how Mrs. Macy always was forever given to
+economizin'. I don't say as economizin' is any sin, but I will say as
+Mrs. Macy's ways of economizin' is sometimes most singular an' to-day's
+a example of that. Economy's all right as long as you economize out of
+yourself, but when it takes in Mrs. Sweet an' bumps young Dr. Brown I've
+no patience--no more 'n Mrs. Sweet an' young Dr. Brown has. Young Dr.
+Brown says it looks awful to have a black eye an' no reason for it
+except fallin' over a carpet. He says when he explains as Mrs. Macy was
+under the carpet no one is goin' to think it any thin' but funny, an' he
+says a doctor must n't be hurt funny ways. Mrs. Sweet don't feel to
+blame herself none for her arm 'cause she jerked like she does
+everythin' else, with her whole heart, an' she says she did so want to
+set her up that she tried harder an' harder every jerk.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to go 'way back to the beginnin', seems as Mrs.
+Macy set out last night, as I said before, to make over her carpet.
+Seems as she wanted to turn it all around so's it'd fade away under the
+stove an' fray out in the corner where it don't show. I don't say as the
+idea was n't a good one--although it's come pretty hard on Mrs.
+Sweet--but anyhow, good or no good, she dug up the tacks last night an'
+ripped the widths an' set down to sew this mornin'. Her story is as she
+turned the duck out to pasture right after breakfast an' then went to
+work an' sewed away as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock. Then she
+felt most awful tired from the rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so she
+thought she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was all done up in the
+carpet an' gettin' out was hard so she thought she'd just lay back on
+the floor. Seems she lay back suddener than she really intended an' as
+she hit the floor, she was _took_.
+
+"She give a yell an' she says she kept on givin' yells for one solid
+hour, an' no one come. She says as no words can ever tell how awful it
+was, for every yell sent a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin' an'
+knifin' all ways through her. No one heard her, for the blacksmith was
+shoein' a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy was
+discussin' Hiram on the other. You know what a mule is to shoe, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' you know what Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take to
+discussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath as when Gran'ma Mullins an'
+Lucy gets to discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no steam penelope out
+of a circus, not if it was settin' full tilt right on their very own
+door-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet came
+for the cullender.
+
+"Mrs. Sweet says, _the_ shock she got when she opened the door an' see
+Mrs. Macy with the carpet on her was enough to upset anybody.
+
+"She says she thought at first as Mrs. Macy was tryin' to take up her
+carpet by crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks come out that way. But
+then she see as her face was up an' of course no Christian'd ever crawl
+under no carpet with her face up. So she asked her what was the matter,
+an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she did n't know what was the
+matter. Then Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her up. An' she
+says the way she yelled!
+
+"She says she jerked her by the arms, an' by the legs, an' even by the
+head, an' her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler. Mrs. Macy says as her
+agonies was terrible every time she slid a little along, an' she just
+begged an' prayed for her to go an' get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs.
+Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy went
+for young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs.
+Macy. Oh, my, but their story is as they jerked hard then, for they
+wanted her to be respectable in bed afore he came, but it was no use an'
+he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an' the carpet afore his eyes got
+used to where he was. They had to help him up an' then he had to go in
+the kitchen an' disinfect his bump afore he could take a look at Mrs.
+Macy. But seems he got around to her at last an' felt her pulse an' then
+as he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded her softly all over with
+the tack-hammer, but he did n't find out nothin' that way for she yelled
+wherever he hit her. He said then as he'd like to turn X-rays through
+her, only as there is n't no cellar under her house just there there'd
+be no way to get a picture of the other side of what was the matter with
+her.
+
+"So he said she _must_ be got up, an' although she howled as she could
+n't be, he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's crowbar an' the
+blacksmith, an' it was plain as she'd have to come whether nor no. Mrs.
+Sweet says it was surely a sight to see. They put the crowbar across a
+footstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other side at the same time, an' with
+a yell like Judgment Day they sat her up.
+
+"An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop? What _do_ you think? There was a
+tack stickin' square in the middle of her back!
+
+"Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesses
+he's got suthin' out of somebody now as he won't care to preserve in
+alcohol for a ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is mad, too, for he was
+goin' over to Meadville to fan a baseball team this afternoon an' he
+says Mrs. Macy has used up all his fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'cause
+she says she was way ahead of Gran'ma Mullins in what they were talkin'
+about an' now she's forgotten what that was. But Gran'ma Mullins was
+maddest of all when she found out about the duck, 'cause it seems as
+Drusilla Cobb's husband was a relation of hers an' as a consequence she
+never could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd take the duck."
+
+"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I shall fat him an' eat him."
+
+"An' what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, further.
+
+"Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs. Macy hunted up the magazine an'
+looked 'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after all. As soon as she
+see it she remembered the four noses an' all, but she says she was too
+done up to go any further at the minister just then."
+
+"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally.
+
+"I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow, an' I ain't goin' to catch no
+spider for the sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well as she will,
+I reckon, an' if I have any doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be by
+parboilin' instead of spiders."
+
+So saying Susan rose, sought her duck, and departed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES
+
+
+Mrs. Lathrop never went to church. She had relinquished church when she
+had given up all other social joys that called for motive power beyond
+the limits of her own fence.
+
+Elijah rarely ever went to church. The getting the paper out Friday for
+Saturday delivery wore on him so that he nearly always slept until noon
+on Sunday.
+
+So Susan went alone week after week, just as she had been going alone
+for years and years and years. She always wore a black dress to church,
+her mother's cashmere shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape which had no
+strings and fitted closely around her head. She always took about an
+hour and a half to get home from church, although it was barely ten
+minutes' walk, and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's gate instead of her
+own when she did get home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the minute when
+to expect her and was invariably seated ready and waiting.
+
+One late May day when Susan returned from church she followed her usual
+course of Sunday observances by going straight to her neighbor's and
+sitting down hard on one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but she
+differed from her usual course by her expression, which--usually bland
+and fairly contented with the world in general--was this morning most
+bitterly set and firmly assured in displeasure.
+
+"Well," said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat alarmed but attempting to speak
+pleasantly, "was--"
+
+"No," said Susan, "I should say not." Then she unpinned her hat and ran
+the pin through the crown with a vicious directness that bore out her
+words to the full.
+
+"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled, "why--"
+
+"Well, I can't help it if you are," said Miss Clegg, "you don't have to
+go Sunday after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you did, an' if you had
+what you ain't got an' that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd be
+rammin' around with a hat-pin yourself an' understand my feelin's when I
+say as there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't been over fully as
+often as the minister nor a place where he can open it that I can't tell
+just what he'll say about it afore he's done settlin' his tie an'
+clearin' his throat. I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an'
+throat-clearin' business I don't know what to do an' then to-day it was
+the Sermon on the Mount an' he said as he had a new thought to develop
+out of the mount for us an' the new thought was as life was a mount with
+us all climbin' up it an' sure to come out on top with the Sermon if our
+legs held out. It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's got hold of as
+puts me so out of all patience I don't know what to do; if they was
+really new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but they're as old as the hills
+an' I feel like I was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on whenever I
+hear him beginnin' with a fresh old one. The other day I met him down in
+the square an' he stopped me short an' told me to my face as the world
+was gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star as he see the night
+afore had given him one as he was intendin' to work up for Christmas.
+Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think that particular new thought was?
+What _do_ you think? It was as God was back o' the stars! My lands, I
+felt like givin' him a punch with my parasol an' I'd of done it too only
+I'd left my parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with me but a basket o'
+currants. I told him though as the idea o' God an' the stars bein'
+anyways new was surely _most_ new to me, an' then I went on to say as
+Rachel Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick berries for me Monday an'
+seein' as Tuesday was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I could only hope
+as some other new thought had n't run off with her, too.
+
+"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't get much fun out o' church anyway,
+for I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time I'm there thinkin' what I
+could be doin' at home if I _was_ at home, an' wonderin' whether Elijah
+is in bed or whether he's up an' about. I don't know a more awful
+feelin' than the feelin' that you're chained helpless in a church while
+the man in your house is up an' about your house. Men were n't meant to
+be about houses an' I always liked father because he never was about,
+but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition an' he inquires more Sundays
+than any other time. The idea as he's wanderin' around just carelessly
+lookin' into everythin' as ain't locked upsets me for listenin' to the
+minister anyway, but lately my patience has been up on its hind legs in
+church clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever, for it seems as if the minister
+gets tamer an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on, an' between
+not likin' to hear him an' bein' half mad to get back to Elijah I'm
+beginnin' to wish as God in His infinite mercy had let me be somethin'
+besides a Christian. I don't know what I'd be if I was n't a Christian,
+but my own view o' this idea o' free-trade in religion as is takin' so
+many folks nowadays is as it all comes from most anybody with common
+sense jus' naturally knowin' more than any minister as always has his
+house an' his potatoes for nothin' ever can possibly get a chance to
+learn; an' when folks realize as they know more than the minister they
+ain't apt to like to waste the time as they might be learnin' more yet,
+sittin' an' listenin' to him tag along behind what they know already. A
+minister is kind o' like a horse in blinders or a cow as wears a yoke to
+keep her from jumpin', anyway--he feels as he can't launch out even if
+he wants to an' so he never does, but my idea would be to give 'em a
+little rope an' let 'em be a little more interestin'. Here's two hours
+a week as we sit still an' might be learnin' things much more useful
+than as Job was patient an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an' Joseph
+anyhow. I've heard about 'em both ever since I was old enough to know
+about either, an' long afore I was old enough to know about Joseph. I
+was talkin' about this at the sewin' society yesterday an' they all
+agreed with me. Mrs. Macy said as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin'
+to go to sleep in church for the last five years, an' she was beginnin'
+to have it so strong as she did n't care who knowed it.
+
+"Was the minister's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with vivid curiosity.
+
+"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a moth ball was a lemon drop an'
+dealt with it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by the bein' up all
+night to even so much as overcast a plain seam; but the rest was there
+an' we all aired ourselves inside out, I can assure you, an' was more 'n
+glad as she was n't there, so we could do it, too.
+
+"The general talk was as the minister 'd do well to quit talkin' about
+Heaven for a while an' come down to earth. We all know about Heaven,
+'cause if you don't all you have to do is to tip back your head an'
+there it is day an' night for you to look at as long as your neck don't
+ache, but what we don't know about is a lot of what's right around us.
+Mrs. Macy says as her view would be to take the Bible for the motto an'
+then apply it right to us here to-day, an' tell us how to understand
+what's goin' on in the world by its light. She says David an' Goliath
+could of been Japan an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling shot, an'
+we all felt to agree as _there_ was a idea as _no_ minister ought to
+mind ownin', for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she never would of
+give Mrs. Macy credit for thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that. Every
+one was interested right off an' you ought to of been there to see how
+the idea took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd _always_ wanted to know
+what a soft-nosed bullet looked like an' how their other features felt,
+an' a sermon like that could n't but give us all a new understandin' of
+a war. Then they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an' Mrs. Sweet said
+as Jezabel bein' throwed to the dogs could apply to that new rule in the
+city as makes you have to go around with your dog's nose in a lattice
+an' yourself tied to the dog; she said when she went up there the other
+day she felt like nothin' but a fool out with her brother an' him bein'
+jerked here an' there a'cordin' as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' the
+dog's lattice half the time over one of his two ears so he looked more
+drunk than sober all day. Of course we ain't got no such rules about
+dogs' noses here, but no one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it showed
+she took an interest; Mrs. Brown said when she was done as she should
+think as the sun standin' still on Absalom three days could be worked up
+into havin' our streets lit all night, for she says when young Dr. Brown
+is out late, Amelia's so awful nervous she has to sit by her an' hold
+her hand, an' young Dr. Brown always says it takes him a good hour
+longer than it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o' bein' so afraid o'
+runnin' into trees in the dark."
+
+"They say--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
+
+"Yes, but you could n't make his mother believe it," said Susan; "she
+thinks he eats peppermint comin' home nights just because he likes to
+eat peppermint comin' home nights. Mothers is all like that. You know
+yourself how you was with Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk, about
+how all sons was n't prodigals, some bein' obliged by fate to be the
+calf instead. I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I think of this new
+idea the more took I am with it. The Bible would be most like a new book
+if we took it that way an' Sunday would be a day to look forward to all
+the week long, just to see what the minister was goin' to say about what
+next. The sewin' society was all in favor of the idea an' now if the
+square only takes it up with a real mother's heart I don't see why we
+should n't get some profit out o' keepin' a minister yet. My notion is
+as the minister might just as well learn to be a lesson to us as to be
+so dead satisfied with only bein' a trial to us. We've got trials
+enough, Lord knows, an' just now what with the weather an' the cleanin'
+house no one wants to go to church to hear about things as they all know
+anyhow."
+
+"I wonder--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
+
+"No, I would n't look for that," said Susan; "every one has their limits
+an' I would n't expect no man to jump over his own outside. I should n't
+ever look for the minister to be really equal to workin' up somethin'
+real spicy as would fill the house out o' Uriah the Hittite or Abigail
+hangin' upside down to the tree, but I can't well see why he could n't
+teach us whether well water's healthy or not by quotin' from Rebecca,
+an' when the time comes he could surely get a real nice Thanksgivin'
+text out o' John the Baptist's head on the platter."
+
+"Well--" said Mrs. Lathrop, slowly.
+
+"I'm goin' home to Elijah now," said Susan, "an' I shall talk the matter
+up with him. Elijah's awful funny, Mrs. Lathrop. However much he roams
+around while I'm in church he always hops back in bed an' manages to be
+sound asleep when it's time for me to come home. An' I will say this for
+him, an' that is as with all his pryin' an' meddlin' he's clever enough
+to get things back so I can never see no traces of what he's been at. If
+I was n't no sharper than most others, I'd think as he never had stirred
+out of bed while I was gone--but I am sharper than others an' it'll take
+a sharper young man than Elijah to make me suppose as all is gold that
+glitters or that a man left all alone in a house don't take that time to
+find out what he's alone in the midst of."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+ADVISABILITY OF NEWSPAPER EXPOSURES
+
+
+"Well, I don't know I'm sure what I _am_ goin' to do with Elijah," said
+Susan Clegg to her friend one evening. "He's just as restless in his
+ideas as he is in bed, an' he's not content in bed without untuckin'
+everythin' at the foot. I hate a bed as is kicked out at the foot an' I
+hate a man as makes a woman have to put the whole bed together again new
+every mornin'. I'm sure I don't see no good to come of kickin' nights
+an' I've talked to Elijah about layin' still till I should think he
+could n't but see how right I am an' how wrong he is, but still he goes
+right on kickin', an' now he's got it into his head as he's got to turn
+the town topsy-turvy by findin' out suthin' wrong as we'd rather not
+know, an' makin' us very uncomfortable by knowin' it, an' knowin' as now
+we know it we've got to do suthin' about it, an' that seems to make him
+kick more than ever."
+
+"Dear--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"He set on the porch for an hour with me last night," Susan went on,
+"tryin' to think o' suthin' as he could expose in the paper. He says a
+paper ain't nothin' nowadays without it's exposin' suthin, an' a town
+ain't fit to have a paper if it ain't got nothin' to expose in it. He
+says no closet without some skeleton, an' he should think we'd have
+ours, an' in the end he talked so much that I could n't but feel for a
+little as maybe he was right an' as we _was_ behind the times, for when
+you come to think it over, Mrs. Lathrop, nothin' ever does happen here
+as had n't ought to happen--not since Mr. Shores' wife run off with his
+clerk, an' that wa'n't no great happenin', for they could n't stand
+sittin' on the piazza much longer--every one could see that--an' Mrs.
+Shores wasn't one to have any man but her own husband comin' in an' out
+o' the house at all hours, an' so if she'd got to the point where she
+wanted a man as wasn't her own husband comin' in an' out, she just had
+to up an' run away with him, an' I never have been one to say no ill of
+her, for I look on Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye, an' lookin' on
+Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye leads me to fully an' freely approve
+of every thin' as his wife ever done."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, I know it, an' that's why I speak as I do. But Elijah seems to
+think as suthin' else ought to of happened since then, an' he asked me
+if I didn't know of nothin' as was bein' tried to be covered up as he
+could uncover, an' I really did try to think of suthin' but nobody ever
+covers up nothin' here. Nobody could if they wanted to. Everybody knows
+everythin' about everybody. We all know about Lucy an' Hiram, 'cause
+Gran'ma Mullins is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's side, an' Lucy
+is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's other side. Gran'ma Mullins says
+when she sees a man like Hiram havin' to devote his strength an' his
+Sundays to catchin' water-bugs, she most feels she's been a mother in
+vain, an' Lucy says when she realizes as she's married a man as can't be
+put to no better use Sundays than catchin' water-bugs, she ain't got no
+doubt at all as to what she's married. Lucy's gettin' very bitter about
+marriage; she says when she thinks as she may be picked out for a golden
+weddin' she feels like tyin' balloons to her feet an' goin' out an'
+standin' on her head in the crick. Elijah asked me if maybe she was n't
+in love with some one else as he could just notice in general kind o'
+terms, but I told him he did n't know what Lucy Dill was on men now as
+Hiram has got her eyes open. Why, Lucy don't believe no more in love a
+_tall_. Lucy says if she was rid of men an' left on a desert island
+alone, with one cow, so she could have eggs an' milk toast regular,
+she'd never watch for no ship, an' if a ship heaved up anywhere near,
+she'd heave down so quick that if any one on the ship had seen her
+they'd think they imagined her afore they'd get ready to go to her
+rescue. Elijah shook his head then, an' trailed off to Polly Allen; he
+said there must be thirty-five years between Polly an' the deacon, an'
+could n't suthin' be hinted at about them. That set me to wonderin', an'
+it's really very strange when you come to think of it, Mrs. Lathrop, how
+contented Polly is. I don't believe they've ever had a word. He does the
+cookin' an' washin' the same as he always did, an' lets her do anythin'
+else she pleases, an' they say she's always very obligin' about doin'
+it.
+
+"So then Elijah crossed his legs the other way, an' asked if there was
+n't anythin' bigger as could be looked into, but every one knows Hiram
+is the biggest man anywhere around here, so that was no use. He asked
+then if we did n't have a poorhouse or a insane asylum or a
+slaughter-house or suthin' as he could show up in red ink. He said
+somebody must be doin' suthin' as they had n't ought to be doin'
+somewhere, an' it was both his virtue an' his business to print all
+about it. He says exposin' is the very life o' the newspaper business,
+an' you can't be nothin' nowadays without you expose. He seemed to feel
+very much put out about us not bein' able to be exposed, an' I could n't
+help a kind o' hurt feelin' as it was really so.
+
+"But what can I do, Mrs. Lathrop, I did n't know of nothin'? We ain't
+got no place to do anythin' except in the square an' nobody never does
+nothin' without everybody knows that day or the next mornin' at the
+latest. I don't believe as anybody could have a secret with anybody in
+this town 'cause you'd know very well as if you did n't get 'round
+pretty quick an' tell it first the other one would be gettin' ahead o'
+you an' tellin' it before you. Of course I could see Elijah's drift all
+right. Them city papers has turned his head completely just as they do
+everybody else's when they first get a new idea. Elijah wants us to be
+eatin' bluing for blueberries an' cats for calves jus' so he can be the
+first to tell us about it, but there ain't a cat in town as ain't too
+well known for anybody to eat without knowin' it, an' as for bluing, if
+anybody can feed it to me for blueberries it's me as is the fool an'
+them as is n't, an' that's my views.
+
+"I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, I ain't got no great sympathy
+with this new idea o' keepin' us all stirred up over how awful things
+is. I won't say as I approved when that man in Chicago made sausage out
+o' his wife 'cause he was tired o' her, but I will say as if Lucy see
+her chance at Hiram that way I ain't sure as she could restrain herself.
+Hiram's perfectly healthy an' could be depended upon not to disagree
+with no one in sausage to anythin' like the extent Lucy disagrees with
+him, an' Gran'ma Mullins is so tired of hearin' 'em quarrel that I
+ain't prepared to say as she'd rebel at anythin' as sent Lucy back to
+her father.
+
+"Elijah went on to tell me a lot about insurance an' railroads, but all
+about insurance an' railroads is 'way beyond my interest an' 'way beyond
+the understandin' of every one else here, an' nobody's goin' to remember
+a thing about any of it a year from now anyhow. That's the trouble with
+this country,--they don't remember nothin',--everybody forgets
+everythin' before the month is out. Most of the people never thinks o'
+San Francisco now, an' as for that fire they had in Baltimore, it's as
+dead as Moses.
+
+"That's the advantage the rest of the country has over us when it comes
+to exposin'. They can expose an' expose, an' all the folks who read
+about it forget an' forget, but here in this community it's different
+an' you can't count on _our_ forgettin' things a _tall_, an' if Elijah
+was turned loose I'll venture to say every last one o' them papers
+would be saved until doomsday. I know that an' knowin' that I very
+carefully restrain him. There's a many as knows as Mr. Kimball's dried
+apples is often very under rate, an' a many others as knows whose dead
+cat that was as Mrs. Sweet had to bury after vowin' she would n't till
+she smelt as she'd got to. Every last one of us knows what Dr. Brown
+gets at the drug store when he asks for what he usually gets an' there's
+a good many as thinks as Mrs. Macy goes to Meadville more on a'count o'
+Dr. Carter than to see her cousin, Mrs. Lupey. But I was n't goin' to
+set Elijah swimmin' in any such deep water. Elijah is a young man an'
+the age to go wrong easy, an' when that age see how easy it is to go
+wrong they're nothin' but foolish if they waste another second goin'
+right, so if Elijah wants to go to exposin' he'll have to get his stuff
+from some one else beside me."
+
+"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, I don't say that," said Miss Clegg, "I'm only human after all an'
+I can't in conscience deny as I should like to see them as I don't like
+showed up just as much as any other man as is makin' a business of
+showin' up his neighbors, likes it. But I know I've got to live here an'
+it'd be very poor livin' for me after I'd aired myself by way of Elijah.
+There's a great difference between knowin' things all by yourself an'
+readin' 'em in the paper, an' I know as that dead cat would cause a
+great deal o' hard feelin' in print, while buried by Mrs. Sweet it only
+helps her garden grow. So I shall keep on talkin' as usual, but I shall
+hold Elijah out o' print an' so keep the country safe."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, the paper'll do just as well," said Susan; "he's goin' to print one
+sheet as comes all printed from the city every week an' he says that'll
+put new zest in the thing. It'll be a great deal better to get the zest
+that way than to get it exposin'. Zest is suthin' as is always safest a
+good ways off. Elijah saw that, too, afore he got done last night, for
+in his hitchin' about he hitched over the edge o' the piazza in the
+end."
+
+"Did--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, no," said Miss Clegg. "But he tore a lot of things an' smashed a
+rose bush, but I did n't care about that. I just told him to leave 'em
+on a chair this mornin' an' I'd sew 'em all up again, an' I done it, an'
+as to the rose bush, I'll have him get another an' give it to me for a
+present the next time I go to the city to pick it out myself."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+THE TRIAL OF A SICK MAN IN THE HOUSE
+
+
+"Well, where--" began Mrs. Lathrop in a tone of real pleasure at seeing
+Miss Clegg come into her kitchen one afternoon a few days after.
+
+Miss Clegg dropped into a chair.
+
+"Well, I _have_ got trouble now!" she announced abruptly, "Elijah's
+sick!"
+
+"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"--Jah," finished Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, Elijah's sick! He was sick
+all night an' all this mornin', an' I may in confidence remark as I hope
+this'll be a lesson to him to never do it again, for I've got a feelin'
+in my legs as 'll bear me out in lettin' him or any one else die afore
+I'll ever work again like I've worked to-day an' last night."
+
+"Why, what--"
+
+"Did n't you see young Dr. Brown?"
+
+"No, I--"
+
+"Yes, I supposed so," said Susan, resignedly; "I know your ways, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' I never look for any other ways in you. It's good as I
+don't, for if I did I'd be blind from lookin' an' not seein'. I know
+you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know your ways, an' I realize to the full how
+different they are from me an' my ways, but a friend is a friend an'
+what can't be endured has got to be cured, so I come to tell you about
+Elijah just the same as I do anythin' else as is easy heard."
+
+"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, he is n't. That is, he was n't when I come out, but he had his pen
+an' said he was goin' to write a editorial sittin' up in bed. He can't
+get out of bed on a'count of the sheet, but 'Liza Em'ly's there if he
+wants anythin' so it don't matter if I do leave for a little while. She
+come an' offered an' I don't see why she should n't have a chance to
+get married the same as any other girl, so I set her in the next room
+an' told her not to go near him on no a'count, an' naturally there ain't
+nothin' as'll make 'em wilder to talk than for Elijah to feel he'd ought
+to be workin' on his editorial an' for 'Liza Em'ly to feel as he had n't
+ought to be spoke to. I don't say as I consider Elijah any great catch,
+but if 'Liza Em'ly can find any joy jumpin' at him with her mouth open I
+ain't one to deprive her of the hop. Elijah's a very fair young man as
+young men go, an' I think any girl as is willin' to do her nine-tenths
+can have a time tryin' to be happy with him. If she ain't happy long it
+won't be Elijah's fault for he's just as sure his wife 'll be happy as
+any other man is."
+
+"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, that's what I come to tell you. He woke me last night, tappin' on
+my door, an' hollered as he had the appendicitis on both sides at once."
+
+"On both--"
+
+"That's what he said. Well, as soon as I got awake enough to know as I
+was n't asleep, I knowed he was wrong somehow an' I sat up in bed an'
+hollered back to him to take ten sips o' water, hold his breath while he
+counted fifteen, an' go back to bed. I was n't calculatin' to get up
+with no two-sided appendicitis in the middle o' no night if I could help
+it, an' I knowed anyhow as it was only some of them dried apples o' Mr.
+Kimball's as was maybe lodged here an' there in him an' no harm done if
+he'd only let me sleep.
+
+"But, no sir, Elijah had no idea o' lettin' me sleep while he set up
+alone with his own two sides. There's suthin' about a man, Mrs. Lathrop,
+as 'll never let him suffer in silence if there's any woman to be woke
+up. A man can't be a hero unless a woman stands by barefooted with a
+candle, an' he feels a good deal easier groanin' if he can hear her
+sneezin' between times. So back come Elijah right off to say as I must
+be up an' doin' or he'd be dead afore dawn. I was so sound asleep I
+told him to set a mouse trap two times afore my senses come to me an'
+then when they did I was mad. I tell you I was _good_ an' mad too. I put
+on my slippers an' father's duster as I always keep hangin' to my
+bedpost to slip on or dust with just as I feel to need it on or dustin',
+an' I went to Elijah. He was back layin' in bed done up in a sort o'
+ring o' rosy, groanin' an' takin' on an' openin' an' shuttin' his eyes
+like he thought he could make me feel pleased at bein' woke up. But I
+was n't goin' to feel pleased. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, a stitch in
+time saves nine, an' I hadn't no idea of encouragin' Elijah to wake me
+like that, not while there's maybe a chance of me havin' him to board
+more 'n the three months I promised. I saw as I was gettin' into the
+duster as all my comfort depended on how I acted right then an' there
+an' I was decided to be firm. I stood by the bed an' looked at him hard
+an' then I says to him, I says, 'Well, what did you wake me up for?'
+'No one ever felt nothin' like this,' he says; 'I've got two appendixes
+an' I can feel another comin' in my back.' 'Elijah,' I said, 'don't talk
+nonsense. You've been an' woke me up an' now I'm woke up what do you
+want me to do?' I leaned over him as I said it an' let a little hot
+candle grease drip on his neck an' he give a yowl an' straightened out
+an' then give another yowl an' shut up again. 'I'll make you some ginger
+tea,' I says, 'an' put a mustard plaster wherever you like best,' I
+says, 'an' then I shall look to be let alone,' I says, an' so I went
+downstairs an' set to work. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I made that tea an' I
+bet I made it strong; I put some red pepper in it, too, an' poured a
+little mucilage into the plaster, for I may in confidence remark as I
+didn't intend as Elijah should ever look forward to wakin' me up in the
+night again. Then I went upstairs an' he sit up an' took the whole of
+the cup at one gulp! You never see no one so satisfied with nothin' in
+all your life! He fell back like he was shot an' said, 'Scott, Scott,
+Scott,' until really I thought as he was ravin'. Then I said, 'Where do
+you want the plaster, Elijah?' an' he said, 'On my throat, I guess.' I
+says, 'No, Elijah, you've waked me up an' wakin' me up is nothin' to
+joke over. You put this plaster on an' go to sleep an' don't wake me up
+again unless you feel for more tea.' I spoke kind, but he could see as I
+felt firm an' I set the candle down an' went back to bed.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think,--what _do_ you think? Seems as
+Elijah was so afraid o' burnin' himself in another place that he went
+an' put the _sheet_ between him an' the plaster an' glued himself all
+together. This mornin' when he awoke up there he was with the sheet
+stuck firm to him an' I must say I was very far from pleased when he
+hollered to me an' I went in an' found him lookin' more like a kite than
+anythin' else an' not able to dress 'cause he could n't take off his
+sheet. 'Well, Elijah, you _have_ done it now, I guess,' I says; 'I
+never see nothin' the beat o' this. If I have to send for young Dr.
+Brown to take that sheet off you, you'll be in the papers from the
+earthquake to Russia an' back again.' Well, that was all there was to do
+an' when 'Liza Em'ly come with the milk I had to ask her to go up to
+young Dr. Brown's an' ask him to kindly come as soon as he could an'
+amputate Elijah out o' bed. He come right after breakfast an' he had a
+time, I tell you! We worked with water an' we worked with hot water, we
+tried loosenin' the edges by jerkin' quick when Elijah was n't
+expectin', but it was all no use. Dr. Brown said he never see such a
+plaster, he said it'd be a fortune for mendin' china. Then we got the
+dish-pan an' tried layin' Elijah face down across it an' pilin' books on
+his back to keep the right place in front soakin', but even that didn't
+help. Dr. Brown said in the end as he thought the only way maybe would
+be to do all the corners of the sheet up in a paper an' let Elijah
+carry it hugged tight to him an' wear father's duster down to the crick
+an' sit in it till he just slowly come loose. But Elijah did n't want to
+go bathin' in a duster an' I had a feelin' myself as if Meadville heard
+of it we'd surely be very much talked about, so finally Dr. Brown said
+he thought as he'd go home an' study up the case, an' I let him go for I
+had my own ideas as to how much he knew about what was makin' the
+trouble. So he went an' then I got dinner an' took some up to Elijah an'
+told him jus' what I thought of the whole performance. I talked kind but
+I talked firm an' I done a lot of good, for he said he did n't know but
+it would be better if he arranged to live with the Whites after the
+Fourth of July 'cause he had a feelin' as maybe he was a good deal of
+trouble to me. I told him I hadn't a mite of doubt as he was a good deal
+of trouble to me an' then Mrs. Macy come. I had to stop talkin' to him
+an' go down an' tell her what was the matter. She said right off as her
+idea would be to shut the windows, build a big fire an' make Elijah jus'
+work himself loose from the inside out. I told her about the mucilage
+though an' then she changed her views an' said I'd best fold the sheet
+neatly an' let him wear it till he wore it off next time he growed a new
+skin. Mrs. Macy says she's been told we keep sheddin' our skins the same
+as snakes an' that that's really what makes our clothes need washin' so
+often. She said the moral was plain as by the time the sheet'd need
+washin' Elijah would shed it anyhow. I see the p'int o' what she said
+an' I felt to agree, but while we was talkin' Mrs. Sweet come in an' her
+view was all different. She said as Elijah would find that sheet a most
+awful drag on him an' to her order o' thinkin' he'd ought to go down to
+where Mr. Kimball makes his dried apples an' steam loose in the vat. She
+says he can steam out very fast an' Mr. Kimball bein' his uncle 'll
+naturally let him sit in the vat for nothin'."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I don't know," said Susan; "Lucy come in while we was sittin'
+there an' she said her view'd be for me just to take a firm hold of the
+sheet an' walk straight out of the room without a so much as 'by your
+leave' to Elijah, but I'd be afraid of tearin' the sheet if I did that
+way. An' then Gran'ma Mullins came an' her view was as I'd best sit an'
+sop Elijah with a sponge, which just shows why Hiram is so tore in two
+between such a mother an' such a wife's views."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop again.
+
+"Well, Elijah was writin' a editorial when I left an' 'Liza Em'ly was
+lookin' at him an' sighin' to talk an' I come over to tell you all about
+it."
+
+Just here a piercing scream was heard from across the way.
+
+"My--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+Susan sprang to her feet and ran to the door; as she opened it Eliza
+Emily was seen flying down the Clegg steps.
+
+"What is it?" screamed Miss Clegg from Mrs. Lathrop's steps.
+
+"Elijah dropped his pen," screamed Eliza Emily in reply, "an' when he
+reached for it he fell out o' bed an' tore loose."
+
+"Did he tear the sheet any?"
+
+"No, but he thinks he's tore himself."
+
+Miss Clegg began to walk rapidly towards her own house.
+
+"You can see I've got to go," she called back to her friend over her
+shoulder; "this is what it is to have a man livin' in your house, Mrs.
+Lathrop."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+THE BEGINNING OF THE END
+
+
+As June wore on it became more and more apparent that Elijah wore on
+Miss Clegg. She grew less and less mild towards his shortcomings and
+more and more severe as to the same.
+
+"He's only--" Mrs. Lathrop attempted to explain to her.
+
+"I don't care if he is," she replied, "it says in the Bible as a man is
+a man for all that an' I never was one to go against the Bible even if I
+ain't never felt in conscience called to say where Cain an' Abel got
+married, or what it was as the Jews lit out from Egypt on a'count of. I
+tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, you've forgotten what it is to have a
+man around your house. There's somethin' just about the way a man eats
+an' sleeps as gets very aggravatin' to any woman after the new's off. I
+begin to see what men invented gettin' married for,--it was so they
+could kite around an' always be sure they had one woman safe chained up
+at home to do their cookin' an' washin'. Why, I ain't married to Elijah
+a _tall_, an' yet just havin' him in the house is gettin' me more an'
+more under his thumb every day that he stays with me. I feel to stay in
+the square an' I find myself hurryin' home 'cause he likes hot biscuits,
+an' I feel to turn his washstand around an' I leave it where it is for
+no better reason than as he likes it where it is. It's awful the way a
+man gets the upper hand of a woman! Lord knows I've no love for Elijah
+an' yet I'm caperin' upstairs an' downstairs when he ain't in a hurry
+an' tearin' my legs off scamperin' when he is, until I declare I feel
+mad at myself--I certainly do.
+
+"An' now, there he is fallin' in love with 'Liza Em'ly, the last girl in
+the world as he'd ought to even dream of marryin', an' I talk to him
+an' talk to him, an' tell him so, an' tell him so, an' it don't make no
+more impression than when you rub a cat behind her ear."
+
+"Why, a cat--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, an' so does Elijah. It just tickles him half to death to hear
+'Liza Em'ly's mere name, an' he don't care what any one says about her
+just so long as it's about her.
+
+"I see the minister down in the square to-day an' I told him my opinion
+of it all right to his face. But the minister didn't have no heart for
+'Liza Em'ly--he's too used up discussin' what under the sun is to be
+done with Henry Ward Beecher. He says it's suthin' just awful about
+Henry Ward Beecher's feelin' for Emma Sweet, an' he told me frank an'
+open as personally it's been so terrible easy for him to get himself
+married an' get consequences that he can't find nothin' to point his
+index finger into Henry Ward Beecher with about this unrequited
+affection of his for Emma. He says as he never knowed as a _man_ could
+have unrequited affection afore an' he really seems to feel more'n a
+little hurt over it. He says he can't well see how to restrain Henry
+Ward Beecher an' it's town talk as Henry Ward Beecher is far past
+restrainin' himself. I see Polly White afterward an' she says it's
+gospel truth as he's took indelible ink an' tattoed Emma all over
+himself, even places where he had to do it by guess or a mirror."
+
+"My heavens!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I should say so," said Susan, "an' will you only consider, Mrs.
+Lathrop, what Emma Sweet is to be tattoed all over any man like that! I
+like all the Sweets an' I like Emma, but it's only in reason as I should
+regard her with a impartial eye, an' no impartial eye lookin' her way
+could ever in reason deny as she don't appear likely to set no rivers
+afire. Emma's a nice girl, an' if her toes turned out an' her teeth
+turned in I don't say but what she might go along without bein' noticed
+in a crowd, but with them teeth an' toes all you can call her is
+good-hearted an' you know as well as I do as bein' called good-hearted
+is about the meanest thing as anybody can ever call anybody else. Folks
+in this world never call any one good-hearted unless they can't find
+nothin' else good to say of 'em, for it stands to reason as any sensible
+person'd rather have anythin' else about 'em good before their heart,
+for it's way inside an' largely guesswork what it is anyhow.
+
+"They say as Mrs. Sweet says as even though Emma's her own child, still
+she can't see no reason for Henry Ward Beecher's March-haredness. She
+says Emma's best p'ints is her gettin' up early an' the way she puts her
+whole soul into washin' an' bread-kneadin', but she says Henry Ward
+Beecher ain't sensible enough to appreciate good p'ints like those. She
+says she's talked to Emma an' any one with half a eye can see as it
+ain't Emma as needs the talkin' to. She says Emma says as the way he
+hangs onto her goin' home from choir practice is enough to pull her
+patience all out of proportion. She says Emma says she'd as soon have a
+garter-snake seein' her home, an' doin' itself up in rings around her
+all the while, an' Mrs. Sweet says any one as has ever seen Emma seein'
+a garter-snake would consider Henry Ward Beecher's chances as very slim
+after a remark like that.
+
+"Mr. Kimball says he wishes he had n't took him into his store just now;
+he says no young man ain't got a call to the grocery trade when he's in
+a state of heart as won't let him hear the call o' the man as owns the
+business, an' Mr. Kimball says when he fell into the vat where he was
+stirrin' up his dried apples, Henry Ward Beecher never heard one single
+holler as he gave--not one single solitary holler did that boy hear, an'
+Mr. Kimball 'most had a real city Turkish bath as a result. Why, he told
+me as he was in the vat for nigh on to a hour afore Elijah heard him
+from the other side, an' he says as a consequence he ain't very much
+took with havin' a clerk as is in love. He says too as only to see Henry
+Ward Beecher tryin' to pour through a funnel when any member o' the
+Sweet family is walkin' by on the other side of the square is enough to
+make him as owns what's bein' spilt wish as Henry Ward Beecher's father
+had gone unrequited too. Mrs. Macy come in while we was talkin' an' she
+said it was too bad as Emma wasn't smarter, 'cause if Emma was smarter
+Henry Ward Beecher'd jus' suit her. Mrs. Macy says the trouble is as
+Emma's too smart to be willin' to marry a fool an' not quite smart
+enough to be willin' to. Mrs. Macy says as Mr. Fisher was just such
+another an' Mrs. Fisher jumped for him like a duck at a bug."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.
+
+"No," said Susan, "but Gran'ma Mullins did. Gran'ma Mullins is always
+nothin' but glad to have a chance to shake her head an' wipe her eyes
+over any one's love-makin'. She come in to wait a little 'cause Lucy
+wanted to dust an' she says she ain't got no strength to stay in the
+house while Lucy dusts; she says it lays Hiram out on the sofa every
+time regular an' sometimes it gives him the toothache. She says she an'
+Hiram never know when they 're dirty a'cordin' to Lucy's way o' thinkin'
+but, Heaven help 'em, they always know when they're clean a'cordin' to
+Lucy's idea of bein' clean. She says Lucy is that kind as takes one of
+her hairpins an' goes down on her knees an' scratches out the last bit
+of dirt as the Lord hath mercifully seen fit to allow to settle in His
+cracks. You can see as Gran'ma Mullins has suffered! She says it's a
+hard thing to bear, but Hiram grins an' she bears an' their pride helps
+'em out.
+
+"While we was talkin' Emma come by for the mail an' we see Henry Ward
+Beecher's face just hoverin' madly over the breakfast-food display in
+Mr. Kimball's window. Mr. Jilkins was in town buyin' a rake an' he
+waited to see what would happen. Judge Fitch was there too an' Polly
+White. We all had our eyes fixed on Henry Ward Beecher an' I will say,
+Mrs. Lathrop, as I never got so tired waitin' for nothin'."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Love affairs is terrible tame to lookers-on, I think. If they get over
+it your time's wasted an' if they don't get over it the time's wasted
+all around. My own opinion is as all love affairs is a very foolish kind
+o' business, for you never find real sensible folks havin' anythin' to
+do with 'em. But it was no use talkin' that to-day, so Henry Ward
+Beecher hung up there on the breakfast foods, an' we sat an' watched him
+like combination cats till long about five Johnny come by an' said as
+Mr. Sperrit had took Emma home with them to tea."
+
+"Oh--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, impulsively.
+
+"I don't know why not," said Susan, "my own opinion is as he's a
+idiot--"
+
+"Mr. Sper--"
+
+"No, Henry Ward Beecher. It's always struck me as a very strange thing
+as we had n't got one single idiot in this community an' I guess the
+real truth is as we've had one all the time an' did n't know him by
+sight. There's a idiot most everywhere till he gets the idea into his
+head to kill some one an' so gives others the idea as he's safer shut
+up, an' so it ain't surprisin' our havin' one too. I see Mrs. Brown on
+my way home an' I asked her if she did n't think as I was right. She
+said she would n't be surprised if it was true, an' it was very odd as
+she'd never thought o' it before, recollectin' her experience with him
+years ago when she had him that time as the minister went to the
+Sperrits' on his vacation. She went on to say then as to her order o'
+thinkin' Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit come pretty close to bein' idiots
+themselves, for she says she don't know she's sure what ails 'em but
+they've been married years now an' is still goin' round as beamin' as
+two full moons. She says it ain't anythin' to talk of in public but
+actually to see 'em drivin' back from market sometimes most makes her
+wish as she was n't a widow, an' she says anythin' as'd make her sorry
+she's a widow had n't ought to be goin' round loose in a Christian town.
+She was very much in earnest an' Mrs. Fisher overtook us just then an'
+she said it all over again to her an' she said more, too--she said as
+the way she looks at him in church is all right an' really nothin' but a
+joy to look on afore marriage, but she don't consider it hardly decent
+afterwards for it's deludin' an' can't possibly be meant in earnest. She
+says she was married, an' her son is married, an' her father was
+married, too, an' you can't tell her that the way Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit
+go on isn't suthin' pretty close to idiocy even if it ain't the whole
+thing."
+
+"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Mrs. Fisher said," continued Susan, "as she thought maybe she got used
+to lookin' pleasant at him in all them years as she kept house for him
+afore he made up his mind to get married to her, an' so the habit kind
+of is on her an' what's dyed in the wool keeps on stickin' to Mr.
+Sperrit. She said as they do say as he married her 'cause he wanted her
+bedroom to hang up corn to dry in. She went on to say as for her part
+she always enjoyed seein' the Sperrits so happy for it done any one good
+to only look at 'em an' that she'd only be too happy to be a idiot
+herself if it'd do any human bein' good to look at her an' Mr. Fisher
+afterwards. She went on to say as she'd heard as the other night Mr.
+Sperrit drove two miles back in the rain 'cause he'd forgot a cake o'
+sapolio as she'd asked him to bring. I spoke up at that an' I said I did
+n't see nothin' very surprisin' in that, for I know if I asked any man
+as I was married to to bring home a cake o' sapolio I should most surely
+look to see the cake when he come home."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I know; but you always spoiled him," said Susan. "Well, what was I
+sayin'? Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown said as Mrs. Macy was tellin' her the other
+day as they've got a idiot in Meadville--a real hereditary one; the
+doctors have all studied him an' it's a clear case right down from his
+great-grandfather."
+
+"His great--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Grandfather," said Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that is how it was, an'
+Mrs. Macy says it's really so, for she see the tombstones all but the
+mother's--hers ain't done yet. Seems the idiocy come from the
+great-grandfather's stoppin' on the train crossin' to pick up a frog
+'cause he was runnin' for suthin' in connection with the Society for the
+Prevention of Cruelty to Animals."
+
+"The frog!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, the great-grandfather. Seems he never stopped to consider as what'd
+kill a frog would be sure to hit him, an' Mrs. Macy says the doctors
+said as that was one very strong piece o' evidence against the family
+brains right at the start, but she says he really was smarter than they
+thought, for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals paid
+for the funeral an' for the grandmother's, too."
+
+"The grand--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"--Mother's," said Susan. "Yes, seems the railway track was their back
+fence an' she'd always begged an' prayed him at the top o' her voice not
+to go to town that way, but he would n't listen 'cause he was stone-deaf
+an' then besides like all that kind he always pretended not to hear what
+he did n't want to. But anyhow she was in the garden an' she see the
+train an' she tried to get to him, an' whether she broke a blood vessel
+yellin' or contracted heart disease hoppin' up an' down, anyway she fell
+over right then an' there an' it would have been copied in all the
+newspapers all over the country even if the mother--"
+
+"The moth--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Er," said Susan. "Yes, seems she heard the yell an' run to the window
+so quick she knocked the stick out as held it up an' it come down on her
+head. So, you see the idiocy come right straight down in the family of
+the idiot for three generations afore him."
+
+"I ain't sure," said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
+
+"I ain't either," said Susan; "Mrs. Macy says, she was n't either. No
+one in Meadville never was."
+
+"An' yet--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, as to that," said Susan, "that's altogether another kind o' idiot.
+Henry Ward Beecher won't die of his love even if Emma won't have him,
+an' they'll both always be the better an' happier for not havin' one
+another, if they only knew it. It's mighty easy to love folks an' think
+how happy you'd always be with 'em as long as you don't marry 'em. It's
+marryin' 'em an' livin' in the house with 'em as shows you how hard it
+is to be really married. I thank Heaven I'm only livin' in the house
+with Elijah an' not married to him, so I can see my way ahead to gettin'
+rid of him in a little while now. You don't know how I ache to draw the
+curtains of his room an' pin up the bed an' pour the water out of his
+pitcher an' set a mouse trap in there an' just know it is n't goin' to
+be mussed up again."
+
+Susan sighed deeply.
+
+"How long--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I said three months," said Miss Clegg, "an' that takes it over the
+Fourth of July. My heavens alive, seems some days as if I could n't but
+just live, an' the meanest thing about a man is, he's so dead sure as he
+makes you happy, bein' around the house."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+AN OLD-FASHIONED FOURTH
+
+
+"Well, Elijah seems to have hit the nail on its foot instead of its head
+this time," said Miss Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop on the noon of the Sunday
+before the Fourth of July; "that editorial of his in this week's paper
+ain't suitin' any one a _tall_. I was down in the square yesterday an'
+everybody as was there was talkin' about it, an' to-day after church
+everybody was still talkin' about it, an' gettin' more mad all the
+time."
+
+"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"The one about the celebration as he printed in this week's paper,"
+replied her friend; "they was for discussin' nothin' else after church
+to-day, an' one an' all is dead set against the way as Elijah says.
+Them as has bought their fireworks ain't pleased, of course, an' Mr.
+Kimball says as he considers that Elijah had ought to of consulted him
+afore he printed such a article in the hind part of a uncle's store that
+had just laid in a new supply of two pounds of punk alone. Mr. Kimball
+says as he'd planned a window display o' cannon crackers pointin' all
+ways out of a fort built o' his new dried apples an' now here's Elijah
+comin' out in Saturday's paper for an old-fashioned Fourth o' July
+without no firecrackers a _tall_. Mr. Kimball says he thinks Elijah
+ought to remember whose nephew he is an' show some family feelin'; he
+says punk is a thing as can never be worked off in no bargain lot of
+odds an' ends, an' he says his own Fourth o' July is spoiled now anyway
+just by the shock of the worry 'cause he can't be sure how folks is
+goin' to be affected until the effect is over, an' the Fourth o' July'll
+be over mighty quick this year. 'T ain't like they had most a week to
+calm down from Elijah's new idea--they ain't got but just Monday to
+decide an' buy their fireworks, too.
+
+"Judge Fitch says he can't quite make out what Elijah meant by callin'
+for patriotic speeches; he says he's willin' to make a speech any day,
+but he says no one ever wants to stop poppin' long enough to listen to a
+speech on the Fourth o' July. He says too as it's very hard to get a
+still crowd that day 'cause people are afraid to get absorbed listenin'
+for fear suthin' may go off under 'em while they ain't keepin' watch.
+Mr. Dill said that was true, 'cause he had a personal experience that
+way in his own dog; he says that dog would of made a fine hunter only
+some one throwed a torpedo at him one Fourth o' July, when he was
+lookin' under a sidewalk, an' after that that dog almost had a fit if a
+sparrow chirped quick behind him. Mr. Dill said he tried to cure him by
+stuffin' cotton in his ears an' keepin' a cloth tied neatly around his
+head, but then he read in the paper about some deaf German as when he
+played the piano always listened with his teeth, an' he said that just
+made him empty the cotton right out of the dog an' give up.
+
+"Mrs. Macy says what she wants to know is what's Elijah tryin' to get at
+anyhow. She says she always thought a barbecue was a kind of cake an'
+she did n't know white folks ever could lift their legs that high, even
+if they felt to want to. She says the idea of its bein' suthin' to eat
+in the woods is surely most new to her an' she ain't sure she wants to
+eat in the woods anyhow. She says there's always flies an' mosquitoes in
+the woods an' she's passed the age o' likin' to drop down anywhere, an'
+jump up any time, years ago. As for cookin' in the woods she says that
+part of Elijah's editorial is too much for every one. She says she never
+hear of roastin' a ox whole in a pit in her life; she says how is the ox
+to be got into the pit an' what's to cook him while he's in there an'
+when he's cooked how's he to be got out again to eat? She says she
+thinks Elijah has got a ox an' a clam mixed in his mind, an' a pit an' a
+pile. She says she knows they cook clams in piles on the seashore,
+'cause she's heard so from people as has been there, an' besides she
+seen a picture of one once.
+
+"Gran'ma Mullins came up an' she's most awful troubled over the ox, too.
+She says Hiram is got such a name for bein' strong now that she just
+knows as they'll expect him to put that ox into the pit when they're
+ready to cook him, an' then lift him out again when he's done. She says
+it's gettin' too terrible about Hiram, every time as somebody fat dies
+anywhere or there's a piano to move or a barn to get up on jack-screws
+they send right for Hiram to be one o' the pallbearers an' give him the
+heaviest corner. Why, she says the other day when that refrigerator came
+for Polly White they unloaded it right onto Hiram from the train, an'
+not a soul dreamed as there was shot packed in both sides of it to save
+rates, until poor Hiram set it down to put it on the other shoulder.
+She says too, as she can't well see how a ox can be roasted whole
+anyway; she says it'll be a awful job gettin' his hair singed off in the
+first place, an' she just knows they'll expect Hiram to hold him an'
+twirl him while he's singein'. Then, too, she says as the whole of a ox
+don't want to be roasted anyhow. The tongue has to be boiled an' the
+liver has to be sliced an' the calves' brains has to be breaded an'
+dipped in egg, an' after he's roasted an' Hiram has got him out o' the
+pit, who's to skin him then, she'd like to know, for you can't tell her
+as anybody can eat rawhide, even if it is cooked.
+
+"Deacon White come up, an' he said he an' Polly would bring their own
+lunch an' their own pillow an' blanket an' hammock an' look on, 'cause
+Polly wanted to see the fun an' they were n't intendin' to have any
+fireworks anyhow. He said he was curious about the ox himself; he said
+he wondered where they'd get the ox, an' the pit, too, for that matter.
+
+"He said he wanted it distinctly understood as he an' Polly'd bring
+their own lunch an' neither borrow nor lend. He said that rule would
+apply to the pillow an' the blanket an' the hammock, the same as to the
+lunch. There was some talk after he was gone on how terrible close he
+an' Polly are both gettin'. Seems kind of funny, to be so savin' when
+you ain't got nobody to save for, but the Whites an' Allens was always
+funny an' what's bred in the flesh always sticks the bones out
+somewhere, as we all know.
+
+"The minister come up an' he said as it says in the Bible as when the ox
+is in the pit every one must join in an' help him out, so he shall do
+his part an' bring all his family with him. But he said he must remark
+as to his order of thinkin' a ox struck him as a most singular way to
+commemorate the day our forefathers fought an' bled over. He says he
+should have thought a service o' song an' a much to be desired donation
+towards cleanin' out his cistern would have been a more fittin' way to
+spend the glorious Fourth in, than fixin' a ox in a pit an' tryin' to
+bake him there. He says he don't think it can be done anyhow, he says a
+ox ain't no chestnut to stick in the ashes till he bounces out cooked o'
+his own accord.
+
+"Mrs. Fisher says she sha'n't have nothin' to do with any of it; they're
+all goin' to the city, an' Mr. Fisher is goin' to a lecture on that
+Russian that his country wants to amalgamate for suthin' he's done; an'
+she an' John Bunyan is goin' to the Hippodrome. They want to see the
+girl turn upside down in the automobile an' Mrs. Fisher says she can
+hear about the ox when she comes back.
+
+"Mrs. Brown says they sha'n't go, 'cause young Dr. Brown's afraid o'
+microbes in the woods. He's goin' to disinfect everythin' with that new
+smell he's invented the day before the Fourth, an' then they're goin' to
+have huckleberry biscuit an' watermelon an' just spend a quiet day
+waitin' for any accidents as may maybe come along. Mrs. Brown says
+young Dr. Brown is always hopin' for another railroad smash-up like that
+one that came while he was away studyin'. She says it always seems too
+bad it couldn't have come a year later, when he was just back with that
+handsome brand new set of doctor's knives an' forks as he got for a
+prize." Susan paused.
+
+"Shall you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, I sha'n't. I ain't interested in the Fourth o' July. I never had
+nothin' to do with it in the beginnin' an' I ain't never had nothin' to
+do with it since. My own idea's always been as the Boston people was
+very foolish to go throwin' their tea overboard sooner'n buy stamps. We
+all buy stamps now an' no one thinks o' fussin' over it, an' I guess we
+do a lot other things as we'd never of had to do if we'd kept our tea
+an' our mouths shut in the beginnin'. They say tea is very cheap in
+England an' very good, too, an' heaven knows nothin' is cheap with us.
+Elijah says if it wasn't for his uncle he'd take a strong stand on a
+low tariff, but my goodness, it looks to me like he'd better not meddle
+with the tariff--he's set the town by the ears enough with his ox. I had
+a long talk with him last night about the whole thing. I don't know, I'm
+sure, how Elijah ever is goin' to get on without me, for I certainly do
+talk to him enough to keep him in ideas right straight along. I was very
+kind last night--but I was firm, too. In the end I broke him down
+completely an' he told me as he never meant it that way a _tall_. He
+says he only drew a picture o' what the Fourth o' July was in olden
+times. But this town ain't good on pictures, we take things right up by
+the handle an' deal with 'em a'cordin'."
+
+"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, of course not," said Susan, "but they can take him up by the tail
+an' horns, can't they?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE DAY
+
+
+"Well," said Miss Clegg to her friend the Sunday after the Fourth, "I'm
+thankful to say as the game is up to-morrow an' Elijah moves out of my
+house. We never had no Fourth o' July like this afore an' every one is
+prayin' as we'll never have such another again. It was really very
+peaceful in church this mornin' an' the collection was thirty-two cents,
+so that shows as folks is beginnin' to take heart again, but you could
+see as they was all nervous an' even the minister kept lookin' anxiously
+out of the window whenever he thought as he heard a noise. Mr. Weskin
+says he thinks a house catchin' fire from bein' disinfected comes under
+some head as lets the insurance get paid anyhow an' he says if not he'll
+take the case for the Browns on even halves for his heart is full o'
+sympathy for 'em. The Browns was in church themselves to-day, all but
+Amelia, an' I had the story from them straight for the first time. Young
+Dr. Brown says he can't understand any of it; he says the stuff must be
+stirred in a barrel for two hours without stoppin' an' he says he'll let
+any man breathe a suspicion as his mother stopped after he once set her
+at it! Mrs. Brown says she did n't stop neither, she says when she could
+n't move her arms any more for love or money, she stuck the broomstick
+through her belt an' sat on the edge o' the barrel an' kept the stuff
+stirrin' so. They poured in the acid right after breakfast, an' then Dr.
+Brown wanted the test to be thorough, so they put a live fly in each
+room, shut the doors between, shut all the windows, took the silver out
+on the lawn, an' then threw a match into the barrel an' run out the coal
+cellar door.
+
+"Amelia is up at her father's an' ain't able to speak of it yet, but
+Mrs. Brown says her own view of it will always be as it was a explosion.
+She says as she can't see how you could call it anythin' else in the
+world. She says they was all sittin' in the arbor an' Amelia was just
+gettin' into the hammock an' Dr. Brown was just beginnin' on the King o'
+Spain's honeymoon in the paper, with a picture of a bullfight to
+illustrate it, when she heard such a noise as she never will forget
+again in all her life to come. She says her first thought was as Amelia
+had bu'st the hammock, for she says she tries to be kind to the bosom
+wife of her chosen son, but Amelia is surely most awful hard on anythin'
+as you get in an' out of, but then she heard the second noise, an' she
+says to her dyin' day she won't be able to swear to nothin' but as she
+thought it was San Francisco quakin' right in our very middle. Why, she
+says, she never for one second doubted as it was a earthquake. The
+canary-bird cage come sailin' out o' the dinin'-room window, all the
+chimneys went down with a crash, an' Amelia give one yell an' fainted.
+Mrs. Brown says she an' young Dr. Brown did n't really know which way to
+turn for a minute. They could n't seem to think whether their first duty
+was to shake Amelia or run around to the front of the house. The windows
+was blowin' out as fast as they could an' the most awful smellin' smoke
+you ever smelt was pourin' out after them! She said the smell was bad
+enough when she was stirrin' the stuff in the barrel, but exploded, it
+was just beyond all belief. In the end they left Amelia an' run 'round
+behind the house an' if there was n't all the kitchen stove lids comin'
+bangin' out at 'em an' all the feathers from the pillows just rainin'
+down like snow! They run aroun' to the side an' there was Amelia's
+sheets o' music all over the lawn an' jars o' pickles with the glass
+lids gone, an' jelly tumblers an' weddin' gold-rimmed china, an' in
+front an' on top of all else if the fire did n't bu'st out!
+
+"Dr. Brown run for the fire engine then an' every one was at home
+gettin' ready for the picnic an' there wa'n't no one down town a _tall_.
+He was all of ten minutes findin' any one an' when he found him it was
+only Mr. Shores, an' Mrs. Brown says as gettin' out a fire engine with
+Mr. Shores an' your house burnin' is suthin' as she trusts will never be
+her lot again. She says Mr. Shores would n't lay hold o' the engine till
+after the cover was folded up neatly an' then he wanted to dust the
+wheels afore runnin' it out. Then after it was run out an' got to the
+house, if there wa'n't no hose, an' Dr. Brown had to run away back to
+the engine house for the hose an' while he was runnin' he met John
+Bunyan runnin' too an' John Bunyan told him as the hose was kept coiled
+up in the part as sticks up behind the engine like a can. So they run
+back together an' got it out an' run with it to the well an' Dr. Brown
+was so excited he dropped the hose in the well. Mrs. Brown says she was
+nigh too mad by this time with the house explodin' all over again every
+few minutes an' things as you never have around comin' sailin' out o'
+the windows right in people's faces when they was only there to be
+neighborly an' look on. She was runnin' back an' forth an' explainin' as
+it was n't for want o' stirrin', for she stirred it herself, when Sam
+Duruy come runnin' an' seems there's always another hose tied up under
+the engine an' he unhooked that an' John Bunyan built a fire in the hole
+for fire while they fixed the new hose in the cistern, but oh my, the
+house was too far gone to be saved by that time. So they pumped some on
+Amelia just to try the hose, an' then they helped pick up the things as
+was blowed out of the windows. Mrs. Brown says it was all most awful an'
+she knows from her son's face as he thinks it was all because she
+stopped stirrin' sometimes durin' the two hours an' she declares with
+tears as she never stopped stirrin' once--not _once_.
+
+"Mrs. Fisher says the way people is sick from the smell shows as all the
+flies they put in the rooms must of surely been killed, so the
+experiment's a success in one way at least. Mrs. Fisher walked part way
+home with me an' we had a nice talk about the Browns. She says the
+Browns is most amusin' always in the ways they use flies; she says when
+young Dr. Brown was little, Mrs. Brown used to put a fly in the
+sugar-box when she went down to the square for things so she could tell
+when she come back whether he'd been at the sugar, an' so let the fly
+out. She says young Dr. Brown cured her o' that happy thought by takin'
+the fly out himself when she was down town one time an' puttin' a mad
+bee in instead. She says she guesses Dr. Brown has given her many a
+little lesson like that or he'd never be able to keep her stirrin'
+anythin' as smells for two hours."
+
+"Where--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, the Fitches took Amelia an' her husband of course an' Mrs. Brown
+is goin' over to Meadville to-morrow. Mrs. Macy says maybe old Dr.
+Carter will marry her now as she ain't got any house to be attached to.
+I don't see why that would n't be a good end for Mrs. Brown, she can
+step right into Mrs. Carter's shoes--an' her clothes, too, for that
+matter, for he never give away a thing when she died. Yes, he did, too,
+though, she wanted her nieces to have a souvenir an' he give one the
+waist an' the other the skirt to the same dress, but Mrs. Fisher says
+what he would n't give away to no man for love or money was all her
+union underwear for winter. Seems she always wore the best an' finest,
+an' when she died Dr. Carter said he'd keep all them union suits an'
+wear 'em out himself."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, an' I would n't either," said Miss Clegg; "there would n't be no
+comfort marryin' a man whose first wife could n't call even her union
+suits her own after she died, not to my order of thinkin'."
+
+"Was--" asked her friend.
+
+"Oh, the picnic?" said Susan, "no, that was n't a success a _tall_. They
+spread the tablecloth over a flyin' ant nest in the first place an' Mrs.
+Macy says shad bones is nothin' to the pickin' out as they had to do
+while eatin' as a consequence. She says they very soon found out as they
+was under a wood-tick tree too, an' the children run into a burr-patch
+after dinner. The minister tried to teach the twins to fish an' the bank
+caved in with 'em all three, an' the minister had to go all the way home
+that way. Gran'ma Mullins got a gnat in her eye an' Hiram walked way
+back to town for a flaxseed to put in it to get the gnat out, an'
+crossin' the bridge he sneezed an' the flaxseed just disappeared
+completely, an' Lucy would n't let him go back again, so all she could
+do was to keep a-rubbin' till finally she rubbed it out. Mr. Dill
+climbed up a tree to show as he could still climb up a tree an' a branch
+broke an' tore him so bad he had to walk home with the minister,--I
+guess every one's glad the Fourth's over."
+
+"How's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Elijah? Oh, he went to town for the day. He says it's him for town when
+there 's anythin' goin' on in the country. He come back lookin' like
+he'd really enjoyed himself, but I was afraid he was goin' to have a
+fever at first he talked so queer in his sleep that night an' began all
+his sentences with 'Here's to--' an' then stopped in a most curious way.
+I was very much relieved when I see him come downstairs the next
+mornin', only his appetite ain't what it was yet."
+
+"May--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, I don't think so. There ain't any one for him to be in love with
+anyhow unless it's 'Liza Em'ly. He's really too smart for any girl in
+this community an' he ain't got a single picture among his things nor a
+letter as I don't know who wrote it. I thought at first as he used to
+call 'Annie' in his sleep the nights after we have dumplin's, but it
+ain't 'Annie' he says; it's 'Aunty,' an' heaven knows a aunt never broke
+no man's heart yet."
+
+Susan rose to go home.
+
+"I'm glad the Fourth's over, anyway," she said as she took up her
+parasol and mitts. "I think it's always a great strain on the country,
+but even if no one never likes it nor enjoys it, I suppose we must keep
+on havin' it with us year after year, for Elijah says as, as a nation,
+we're so proud o' bein' ahead o' everythin' an' everybody, that we'll
+die afore we'll go on one step further. He says what's one day o' terror
+a year beside the idea as we're free to do as we please. Gran'ma Mullins
+says all she can say is as she thanks God for every Fourth o' July as
+leaves Hiram whole, for he's the only apple she's got for her eye an'
+she'd go stark ravin' mad if anythin' was to tear him apart in the dream
+of his youth."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously.
+
+"Well, I can't stop to see if I did or did n't now," said Miss Clegg;
+"to-night's my last evenin' with Elijah an' I told him to be sure an' be
+home early. We'll try an' part pleasantly even though I should be mighty
+mad at him if I thought as he was half as glad to go as I am to get rid
+of him. I don't like the ways of a man in the house, Mrs. Lathrop,--they
+seem to act like they thought you enjoyed havin' 'em around. I can't see
+where they ever got the idea in the first place, but it certainly does
+seem to stick by 'em most wonderful."
+
+"There--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+Susan turned her head.
+
+"Yes, that's him comin'," she said; "well, now I must go, Mrs. Lathrop.
+I'll come over to-morrow an' tell you when I'm free of him, bag an'
+baggage."
+
+"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--"
+
+"Yes, I do, too," said Miss Clegg, "but you see I said for three months
+an' the three months ain't up till to-morrow."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+EXIT THE MAN OUT OF SUSAN CLEGG'S HOUSE
+
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, coming over the evening after,
+weary but triumphant, "Elijah is gone an' I tell you I'll never be too
+tender-hearted for my own good again. I won't say but what it was me an'
+nobody else as brought him down on my own head, but I must fully an'
+freely state as it's certainly been me an' no one else as has had to
+hold my own head up under him. An' he _has_ been a load!
+
+"Why, Mrs. Lathrop, do you know that man's stockin's alone has took me
+about one mornin' a week, an' as to buttons--well, I never knew a editor
+could bu'st 'em off so fast. An' as to puttin' away what he took off, or
+foldin' back things into the drawer where they belongs, why, a monkey
+swingin' upside down by his tail is busy carefully keepin' house
+compared to Elijah Doxey.
+
+"I never see such a man afore! If Hiram's anythin' like him I don't
+blame Lucy for battin' him about as she does. I did n't suppose such
+ways could be lived with in oneself. An' that table where he wrote!
+Well! I tell you I've got it cleared off to-night an' my clean curtains
+folded off on it, an' no man never sets foot on it again, I can tell you
+_that_.
+
+"I won't say as it wa'n't a little tryin' gettin' him off to-day an' I
+did feel to feel real sober while I was hangin' his mattress back to the
+rafters in the attic, but when I remembered as I'd never see them
+bedclothes kicked out at the foot again I cheered up amazin'. Mrs. Brown
+come in just afore supper an' she seemed to think it was some queer as I
+was n't goin' to miss Elijah, but I told her she did n't know me. 'Mrs.
+Brown,' I says, 'your son was a doctor an' you can't be expected to
+know what it is to board a editor, so once bit, soonest mended. She's
+mournin' over her burnt house yet, so she could n't really feel to
+sympathize with me, but I had n't time to stop an' mourn with her,--I
+was too busy packin' away Elijah's toilet set.
+
+"He got a good deal of ink around the room, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I shall
+make Mr. Kimball give me a bottle of ink-remover free, seein' as he's
+his nephew; but I don't see as he done any other real damage. I looked
+the room over pretty sharp an' I can't find nothin' wrong with it. I
+shall burn a sulphur candle in there to-morrow an' then wash out the
+bureau drawers an' I guess then as the taste of Elijah'll be pretty well
+out of my mouth.
+
+"I'm sure I don't know what we're comin' to as to men, Mrs. Lathrop, for
+I must say they seem more extra in the world every day. Most everythin'
+as they do the women is able to do better now, an' women is so willin'
+to be pleasant about it, too. Not as Elijah was n't pleasant--I never
+see a more pleasant young man, but he had a way of comin' in with muddy
+boots an' a smile on his face as makes me nothin' but glad as he's left
+my house an' gone to Polly White's."
+
+"Won't you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, I won't,--not if I know myself. I ain't never been lonesome afore
+in my life an' I ain't goin' to begin now. Bein' lonesome is very fine
+for them as keeps a girl to do their work, but I have to slave all day
+long if there's anybody but me around the house, an' I don't like to
+slave. I guess Elijah's expectin' to be lonesome though, for he asked me
+if I'd mind his comin' up an' talkin' over the Personal column with me
+sometimes. I could see as he was more'n a little worried over how under
+the sun he was goin' to run the paper without me. As a matter of fact,
+Mrs. Lathrop, I've been the main stay of that paper right from the
+first. Not to speak o' boardin' the editor, I've supplied most o' the
+brains as run it. You know as I never am much of a talker, but I did
+try to keep Elijah posted as to how things was goin' on an' the feelin'
+as no matter what I said, it was him an' not me as would be blamed if
+there was trouble, always kept up my courage. There's a many nights as
+I've kept him at his work an' a many others as I've held him down to it.
+Elijah has n't been a easy young man to manage, I can tell you."
+
+Susan stopped and sighed.
+
+"I like to think how he's goin' to miss me now," she said, "I made him
+awful comfortable. Polly'll never do all the little things as I did.
+It's a great satisfaction when a man leaves your house, Mrs. Lathrop, to
+know as he'll be bound to wish himself back there many an' many time."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, I'll find plenty to do," said Susan Clegg, "it ain't made a mite of
+difference in my life. I shall go on livin' just the same as ever.
+Nothin's changed for me just because for three months I had a man in
+the house. I ain't even altered my general views o' men any, for land
+knows Elijah wa'n't so different from the rest of them that he could
+teach me much as is new. I ain't never intended to get married anyway,
+so he ain't destroyed my ideals none, an' I told Mr. Kimball when I took
+him as I'd agree to keep him three months an' I would n't agree for love
+or money to keep him any longer, an' I've kept him for three months an'
+no love or money could of made me keep him a day longer."
+
+"Did n't you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Why, yes, I liked him," said Susan, "there were spots durin' the time
+when I felt to be real fond of him, but laws, that did n't make me want
+to have him around any more than I had to. But you know as well as I do
+that a woman can like a man very much an' still be happiest when she
+ain't got him on her hands to fuss with. I was n't built to fuss, Mrs.
+Lathrop, as you know to your cost, for if I had been I'd of been over
+here two days a week tidyin' up out of pure friendship, for the last
+twenty years. But no, I ain't like that--never was an' never will
+be--an' I ain't one to go pitchin' my life hither an' yon an' dancin'
+wildly first on one leg an' then the other from dawn to dusk for other
+people. Elijah's come an' Elijah's gone an' his mattress is hung back to
+the rafter in the attic an' his sulphur candle is all bought to burn
+to-morrow an' when that's over an' the smell's over too I shall look to
+settle down an' not have nothin' more to upset my days an' nights till
+your time comes, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I hope to goodness as it won't come
+in the night, for boardin' a editor has put me all at outs with night
+work."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, if you say so, I'll believe it," said Miss Clegg; "for I will say
+this for you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is as with all your faults you've
+never yet told me nothin' as I've found out from others afterwards was
+n't true."
+
+
+
+
+_A Masterpiece of Native Humor_
+
+SUSAN CLEGG AND HER
+
+FRIEND MRS. LATHROP
+
+
+By ANNE WARNER
+
+Author of "A Woman's Will," etc.
+
+
+With Frontispiece. 227 pages. 12mo. $1.00.
+
+
+It is seldom a book so full of delightful humor comes before the reader.
+Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists,
+who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years.--_Brooklyn
+Eagle_.
+
+Nothing better in the new homely philosophy style of fiction has been
+written.--_San Francisco Bulletin_.
+
+Anne Warner has given us the rare delight of a book that is extremely
+funny. Hearty laughter is in store for every reader.--_Philadelphia
+Public Ledger_.
+
+Susan is a positive contribution to the American characters in
+fiction.--_Brooklyn Times_.
+
+Susan Clegg is a living creature, quite as amusing and even more
+plausible than Mrs. Wiggs. Susan's human weaknesses are endearing, and
+we find ourselves in sympathy with her.--_New York Evening Post_.
+
+No more original or quaint person than she has ever lived in
+fiction.--_Newark Advertiser_.
+
+LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON
+
+_At all Booksellers'_
+
+
+
+
+_Another Popular "Susan Clegg" Book_
+
+SUSAN CLEGG AND
+
+HER NEIGHBORS' AFFAIRS
+
+
+_By_ ANNE WARNER
+
+With frontispiece. 12mo. Cloth, $1.00
+
+
+All the stories brim over with quaint humor, caustic sarcasm, and
+concealed contempt for male folk and matrimonial chains.--_Philadelphia
+Ledger_.
+
+Anything more humorous than the "Susan Clegg" stories would be hard to
+find.--Jeannette L. Gilder, Editor of _Putnam's Magazine_.
+
+The best work that Anne Warner has published. Miss Clegg has become an
+institution in the humor of America.--_Baltimore Sun_.
+
+Her "Susan Clegg" stories, rich in pungent humor and extremely clever in
+their portrayal of quaint and amusing character, deserve a place among
+the choice specimens of American humorous literature--which means the
+best humorous literature in the world.--_New York Times_.
+
+Sure to be welcomed by that large class of readers who found in "Susan
+Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop" one of the most genuinely humorous
+books ever written by a woman on this side of the Atlantic.--_St. Louis
+Globe-Democrat_.
+
+LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers
+
+254 Washington Street. Boston
+
+
+
+
+_A New Story by the Author of "Susan Clegg"_
+
+
+THE REJUVENATION
+
+OF AUNT MARY
+
+By ANNE WARNER
+
+Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop," "A Woman's Will,"
+etc.
+
+With four full page illustrations.
+
+12mo. Decorated cloth, $1.50.
+
+This very clever and original story by the creator of "Susan Clegg" will
+add materially to her reputation as a writer of popular fiction. "Aunt
+Mary" and her adventures in New York are simply delicious; and her
+nephew, Jack, and his college friends, who personally conduct her
+through the metropolis, are brimful of brightness and humor. A pretty
+love story runs through the book. "Aunt Mary's" magazine début delighted
+thousands of readers, and the publication of the story in a more
+permanent form, with new chapters, and scenes, will increase her
+popularity.
+
+Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists,
+who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years.--_Brooklyn
+Eagle_.
+
+Anne Warner is not only a funmaker but adds to that the quality of
+sympathy with her characters.--_Public Opinion_.
+
+LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON
+
+_At all Booksellers'_
+
+
+
+
+_An International Love Comedy_
+
+A WOMAN'S WILL
+
+By ANNE WARNER
+
+Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."
+
+It is a relief to take up a volume so absolutely free from
+stressfulness. The love-making is passionate, the humor of much of the
+conversation is thoroughly delightful. The book is as refreshing a bit
+of fiction as one often finds; there is not a dull page in
+it.--_Providence Journal_.
+
+It is bright, charming, and intense as it describes the wooing of a
+young American widow on the European Continent by a German musical
+genius.--_San Francisco Chronicle_.
+
+A deliciously funny book.--_Chicago Tribune_.
+
+There is a laugh on nearly every page.--_New York Times_.
+
+Most decidedly an unusual story. The dialogue is nothing if not
+original, and the characters are very unique. There is something
+striking on every page of the book.--_Newark Advertiser_.
+
+A more vivacious light novel could not be found.--_Chicago
+Record-Herald_.
+
+Illustrated by I. H. Caliga. 360 pages. 12mo.
+
+Decorated cloth, $1.50.
+
+LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON
+
+_At all Booksellers'_
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22872-8.txt or 22872-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/8/7/22872/
+
+Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/22872-8.zip b/22872-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f1c555c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-8.zip
diff --git a/22872-h.zip b/22872-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..00861fa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h.zip
diff --git a/22872-h/22872-h.htm b/22872-h/22872-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..792361b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/22872-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,7887 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner.
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+/*<![CDATA[  XML blockout */
+<!--
+    p {  margin-top: .75em;
+         text-align: justify;
+         margin-bottom: .75em;
+         }
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {
+         text-align: center; /* all headings centered */
+         clear: both;
+         }
+    hr { width: 33%;
+	 margin-top: 2em;
+	 margin-bottom: 2em;
+         margin-left: auto;
+         margin-right: auto;
+         clear: both;
+       }
+
+    table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;}
+
+    body{margin-left: 10%;
+         margin-right: 10%;
+        }
+
+    .pagenum  { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */
+                visibility: hidden;
+                position: absolute;
+                left: 92%;
+                font-size: smaller;
+                text-align: right;
+              } /* page numbers */
+
+    .linenum  {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */
+    .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;}
+
+
+
+    .center   {text-align: center;}
+    .smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
+
+
+    .caption  {font-weight: bold;}
+
+    .figcenter   {margin: auto; text-align: center;}
+
+
+    .footnotes        {border: dashed 1px;}
+    .footnote         {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+    .footnote .label  {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;}
+    .fnanchor         {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;}
+
+    // -->
+    /* XML end  ]]>*/
+    </style>
+  </head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Susan Clegg and a Man in the House
+
+Author: Anne Warner
+
+Illustrator: Alice Barber Stephens
+
+Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><img src="images/img01spine.jpg" width="83" height="500" alt="Book Spine" title="" />&nbsp;&nbsp;
+<img src="images/imgcover01.jpg" width="324" height="500" alt="Book Cover" title="Susan Clegg and a man in the house" /></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a name="gs01" id="gs01"></a>
+<img src="images/gs01.jpg" width="500" height="792" alt="&quot;&#39;He is a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.&#39;&quot; Frontispiece (See page 21.)" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;&#39;He is a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.&#39;&quot; Frontispiece (See page <a href="#Page_21">21</a>.)</span>
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 95%;" />
+
+
+<h1>                      Susan Clegg</h1>
+                 <h1>And a Man in the House</h1>
+
+<h2>BY</h2>
+                      <h2>ANNE WARNER</h2>
+
+
+<p class="center">  Author of "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop,"<br />
+       "A Woman's Will," "The Rejuvenation of<br />
+             Aunt Mary," "Seeing France<br />
+                with Uncle John," etc.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">          <i>Illustrated from Drawings by</i>
+                 ALICE BARBER STEPHENS</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">                       Boston
+             Little, Brown, and Company
+                        1907</p>
+<hr style="width: 95%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a></span>
+<i>Copyright, 1906</i>,
+<span class="smcap">By Katharine N. Birdsall</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Copyright, 1907</i>,
+<span class="smcap">By The Butterick Company, Ltd.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Copyright, 1907</i>,
+<span class="smcap">By Little, Brown, and Company</span></p>
+
+<p><i>All rights reserved</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Published October, 1907</p>
+
+<p>GRIFFITH-STILLINGS PRESS, BOSTON, MASS., U.S.A.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 95%;" />
+
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<table summary="CONTENTS">
+<tr><th>CHAPTER</th>  <th> </th>                                    <th>PAGE</th></tr>
+
+<tr><td>I.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Man's Proposal</span></td>                               <td><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>II.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Elijah Doxey and His Locked Box</span></td>            <td><a href="#Page_20">20</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>III.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The First Issue of the Newspaper</span></td>          <td><a href="#Page_32">32</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>IV.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Settling down after the Honeymoon</span></td>          <td><a href="#Page_43">43</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>V.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Susan Clegg's Full Day</span></td>                      <td><a href="#Page_64">64</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>VI.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Editor's Advice Column</span></td>                 <td><a href="#Page_85">85</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>VII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Mrs. Macy and the Convention</span></td>              <td><a href="#Page_98">98</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>VIII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Biennial</span></td>                            <td><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>IX.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Far Eastern Tropics</span></td>                   <td><a href="#Page_128">128</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>X.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Evils of Delayed Decease</span></td>               <td><a href="#Page_142">142</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XI.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Democratic Party</span></td>                      <td><a href="#Page_156">156</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Trials of Mrs. Macy</span> </td>                 <td><a href="#Page_168">168</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XIII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Monotony of Ministerial Monologues</span></td>      <td><a href="#Page_200">200</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XIV.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Advisability of Newspaper Exposures</span></td>      <td><a href="#Page_212">212</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XV.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Trial of a Sick Man in the House</span></td>                                             <td><a href="#Page_223">223</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XVI.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Beginning of the End</span></td>                 <td><a href="#Page_235">235</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XVII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">An Old-fashioned Fourth</span></td>                 <td><a href="#Page_251">251</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XVIII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Celebrating Independence Day</span></td>           <td><a href="#Page_261">261</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>XIX.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Exit the Man out of Susan Clegg's House </span></td>                                             <td><a href="#Page_273">273</a></td></tr>
+
+</table><p>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS" id="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS"></a>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+
+
+
+<table summary="ILLUSTRATIONS">
+<tr><td>"'<span class="smcap">He <i>is</i> a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop,</span>'"</td>
+<td><i><a href="#gs01">Frontispiece</a></i></td></tr>
+
+                                        <tr>    <td> </td>     <td>PAGE</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>"'<span class="smcap">A lady come up, looked at my flag,
+an' asked me if I was a delegate
+or an alternative</span>'"</td>                          <td><a href="#gs02">119</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>"'<span class="smcap">Mrs. Macy was just about plum
+paralyzed at <i>that</i></span>'"</td>                   <td><a href="#gs03">179</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>"'<span class="smcap">The bottom come out an' the duck
+flew down the car</span>'" </td>                         <td><a href="#gs04">188</a></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h1><a name="Susan_Clegg" id="Susan_Clegg"></a>Susan Clegg</h1>
+<h1>And a Man in the House</h1>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I</h2>
+
+<p class="center">MAN'S PROPOSAL</p>
+
+
+<p>Susan Clegg had dwelt alone ever
+since her father's death. She had not
+been unhappy in dwelling alone, although
+she had been a good daughter as long as
+she had a parent to live with. When the
+parent departed, and indeed some few days
+before his going, there had arisen a kind
+of a question as to the possibility of a life-companion
+for the daughter who must
+inevitably be left orphaned and lonely
+before long. The question had arisen in a
+way highly characteristic of Miss Clegg and
+had been disposed of in the same manner.<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span>The fact is that Miss Clegg had herself proposed
+to four men and been refused four
+times. Then her father had died, and, upon
+the discovery that he was better endowed
+with worldly wealth than folks had generally
+supposed, all four had hastened to
+bring a return suit at once. But Miss
+Clegg had also had her mind altered by the
+new discovery and refused them all. From
+that time to this period of which I am about
+to write there had never been any further
+question in her mind as to the non-advisability
+of having a man in the house.</p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> See "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."</p></div>
+
+<p>"As far as I can see," she said confidentially
+to her friend, Mrs. Lathrop, who lived
+next door, "men are not what they are
+cracked up to be. There ain't but one
+woman as looks happy in this whole community
+and that's Mrs. Sperrit, an' she
+looks so happy that at first glance she looks
+full as much like a fool as anythin'. The
+minister's wife don't look happy,&mdash;she
+looks a deal more like somethin' a cat finds
+an' lugs home for you to brush up,&mdash;an'
+goodness knows Mrs. Fisher don't look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span>
+happy an' she ain't happy neither, for she
+told me herself yesterday as since Mr.
+Fisher had got this new idea of developin'
+his chest with Japanese Jimmy Jig-songs,
+an' takin' a cold plunge in the slop jar
+every mornin', that life hadn't been worth
+livin' for the wall paper in her room. She
+ain't got no sympathy with chest developin'
+an' Japanese jiggin' an' she says only to
+think how proud she was to marry the
+prize boy at school an' look at what's come
+of it. She asked me if I hear about his
+goin' to town the other day an' buyin' a
+book on how to make your hair grow by
+pullin' it out as fast as it comes in, an' then
+gettin' on the train, an' gettin' to readin'
+on to how to make your eyebrows grow by
+pullin' them out, too, an' not noticin' that
+they'd unhooked his car an' left it behind,
+until it got too dark to read any further&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, what&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop, who
+was the best of listeners, and never interjectional
+except under the highest possible
+pressure of curiosity.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"There was n't nothin' for him to do
+except to put his thumb in at the place
+where the eyebrows was, an' get down out
+of the car, an' then she told me, would you
+believe that with her an' John Bunyan in
+their second hour of chasin' around like a
+pair of crazy cockroaches because he was n't
+on the city train when he said he'd come,
+he very calmly went up to a hotel an' took
+a room for the night? An' she says that
+ain't the worst of it whatever you may
+think, for he was so interested in the book
+that he wanted to keep right on readin', an'
+as the light was too high an' he had n't
+no way to lower it, he just highered himself
+by puttin' a rockin'-chair (yes, Mrs.
+Lathrop, a rockin'-chair!) on the center
+table, an' there he sit rockin' an' readin'
+until he felt to go to bed. She says,
+would n't that drive a good wife right out
+beside her own mind? To think of a man
+like Mr. Fisher rockin' away all night on
+top of a table an' never even gettin' a
+scare. Why, she says you know an' I know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>
+that if he'd been the husband of a poor
+widow or the only father of a deserving
+family, of course he'd have rocked off an'
+goodness knows what, but bein' as he was
+<i>her</i> husband with a nice life insurance an'
+John Bunyan wild to go to college, he needs
+must strike the one rocker in the world as is
+hung true, an' land safe an' sound in her
+sorrowin' arms the next mornin'! Oh
+my, but she says, the shock she got!
+They was so sure that somethin' had happened
+to him that she an' John had planned
+a little picnic trip to the city to leave word
+with the police first an' visit the Zo&ouml;logical
+Gardens after. Well, she says, maybe you
+can judge of their feelin's when they was
+waitin' all smiles an' sunshine for their
+train, with a nice lunch done up under
+John's arm, an' he got down from the other
+train without no preparation a <i>tall</i>. She
+said she done all she could under the circumstances,
+for she burst out cryin' in
+spite of herself, an' cryin' is somethin' as
+always fits in handy anywhere, an' then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>
+she says they had nothin' in the wide world
+to do but to go home an' explain away the
+hard-boiled eggs for dinner the best they
+could. She says she hopes the Lord'll forgive
+her for He knows better than she ever
+will what she ever done to have Mr. Fisher
+awarded to her as her just and lawful
+punishment these last five and twenty
+years; an', she says, will you only think
+how awful easy, as long as he got on the
+table of his own free will an' without her
+even puttin' him up to it, it would have
+been for him to of rocked off an' goodness
+knows what. She says she is a Christian,
+an' she don't wish even her husband any
+ill wind, but she did frighten me, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' I wanted to speak out frank
+an' open to you about it because a man in
+the house <i>is</i> a man in the house, an' I want
+to take men into very careful consideration
+before I go a step further towards
+lettin one have the right to darken my
+doors whenever he comes home to bed an'
+board&mdash;"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop quite jumped in her chair
+at this startling finale to her neighbor's
+talk and her little black eyes gleamed
+brightly.</p>
+
+<p>"Bed and bo&mdash;" she cried.</p>
+
+<p>"He'll have father's room, if I take him,
+of course," said Susan, "but I ain't sure
+yet that I'll take him. You know all I
+stood with father, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I don't
+really know as I can stand any more sad
+memories connected with that room. You
+know how it was with Jathrop yourself,
+too, an' how happy and peaceful life has
+been since he lit out, an' I ain't sure that&mdash;My
+heavens alive! I forgot to tell you that
+Mr. Dill thought he saw Jathrop in the
+city when he was up there yesterday!"</p>
+
+<p>"Saw Ja&mdash;" screamed Mrs. Lathrop.
+Jathrop was her son who had fled from the
+town some years before, his departure
+being marked by peculiarly harrowing circumstances,
+and of whom or from whom
+she had never heard one word since.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dill was n't sure," said Susan; "he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+said the more he thought about it the more
+sure he was that he was n 't sure a <i>tall</i>. He
+saw the man in a seed-office where he went
+to buy some seed, an' he said if it <i>was</i>
+Jathrop he's took another name because
+another name was on the office door. He
+said what made him think as it was Jathrop
+was he jumped so when he see Mr. Dill.
+Mr. Dill said he was helpin' himself out of
+a box of cigars an' his own idea was as he
+jumped because they was n't his cigars.
+Jathrop give Mr. Dill one cigar an' when
+he thanked him he said, 'Don't mention it,'
+an' to my order of thinkin' that proves as
+they was n't his cigars, for if they was his
+cigars why under heaven should he have
+minded Mr. Dill's mentionin' it? Mr. Dill
+said another reason as made him think as it
+was Jathrop was as he never asked about
+you,&mdash;but then if he was n't Jathrop he
+naturally would n't have asked about you
+either. Mr. Dill said he was n't sure, Mr.
+Dill said he was n't a bit sure, Mr. Dill
+said it was really all a mystery to him, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+two things he <i>could</i> swear to, an' one of
+those was as this man is a full head
+taller than Jathrop an' the other was as
+he's a Swede, so I guess it's pretty safe not
+to be him."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop collapsed limply. Susan
+went on with her tale as calmly as ever.</p>
+
+<p>"You see, Mrs. Lathrop, it's like this. I
+told Mr. Kimball I'd think it over an' consult
+you before I give him any answer a
+<i>tall</i>. I could see he did n't want to give
+me time to think it over or to consult you
+for fear I'd change my mind, but when
+you ain't made up your mind, changin' it
+is easy, an' I never was one to hurry myself
+an' I won't begin now. Hurryin' leads
+to swallowin' fish-bones an' tearin' yourself
+on nails an' a many other things as makes
+me mad, an' I won't hurry now an' I won't
+hurry never. I shall take my own time,
+an' take my own time about takin' it, too,
+an' Mr. Kimball nor no other man need n't
+think he can ask me things as is more likely
+to change my whole life than not to change<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>
+it, an' suppose I'm goin' to answer him like
+it was n't no greater matter than a sparrow
+hoppin' his tail around on a fence. I
+ain't no sparrow nor no spring chicken
+neither an' I don't intend to decide my
+affairs jumpin' about in a hurry, no, not
+even if you was advisin' me the same as
+Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know
+how much I think of your advice even if
+you have yet to give me the first piece as
+I can see my way to usin', for I will say this
+for your advice, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is
+that advice as is easier left untook than
+yours is, never yet was given."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop opened her mouth in a
+feeble attempt to rally her forces, but long
+before they were rallied Susan was off
+again:</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know, I'm sure, whether what
+I said to Mr. Kimball in the end was wise
+or not. I did n't say right out as I would,
+but I said I would maybe for a little while.
+I thought a little while would give me the
+inside track of what a long while would be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+pretty sure to mean. I don't know as it
+was a good thing to do but it's done now,
+so help me Heaven; an' if I can't stand
+him I always stand by my word, so he'll
+get three months' board anyhow an' I'll
+learn a little of what it would mean to
+have a man in the house."</p>
+
+<p>"A man in&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop, recovering
+herself sufficiently to illustrate her
+mental attitude by what in her case always
+answered the purposes of a start.</p>
+
+<p>"That's what I said," said Susan, "an'
+havin' said it Mr. Kimball can rely on
+Elijah Doxey's bein' sure to get it now."</p>
+
+<p>"Eli&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop, again upheaved.</p>
+
+<p>"Elijah Doxey," repeated Susan.
+"That's his name. I ain't surprised over
+your bein' surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, 'cause
+I was all dumb did up myself at first. I
+never was more dumb or more did up since
+I was a baby, but after the way as Mr.
+Kimball sprung shock after shock on me
+last night I got so paralyzed in the end
+that his name cut very little figger beside<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>
+our havin' a newspaper of our own, right
+here in our midst, an' me havin' the editor
+to board an' him bein' Mr. Kimball's
+nephew, an' Mr. Kimball havin' a nephew
+as was a editor, an' Mr. Kimball's never
+havin' seen fit to mention the fact to any
+of us in all these many years as we've been
+friends on an' off an' us always buyin'
+from him whenever we was n't more friends
+with Mr. Dill."</p>
+
+<p>"I nev&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, nor no one else ever heard of him
+neither. The first of it all was when he
+came up last night to see would I board
+him, an' of course when I understood as it
+was me as was goin' to have to take him
+in I never rested till I knowed hide an'
+hair of who I was to take in down to the
+last button on Job's coat."</p>
+
+<p>"And wh&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you all I found out myself;
+an' I tell you I worked hard findin'
+it out too, for Mr. Kimball is no windmill
+to pump when it comes to where he gets<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>
+relations from. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as
+he had a sister though as married a Doxey
+an' that's the why of Elijah Doxey. Seems
+Elijah is so smart that he'll be offered a
+place on one of the biggest city papers in
+a little while, but in the mean time he's
+just lost the place that he did have on one
+of the smallest ones an', as a consequence,
+his mother thought he'd better spend this
+summer in the country an' so sent him up
+to Mr. Kimball. Mr. Kimball said he really
+did n't sense all it meant at first when
+Elijah arrived at noon yesterday but he
+said he had n't talked with him long afore
+he see as this was our big chance 'cause
+the paper as Elijah was on paid him off
+with a old printin' press, an' Mr. Kimball
+says, if we back him up, we can begin
+right now to have a paper of our own an'
+easy get to be what they call a 'state issue.'
+It's easy seen as Mr. Kimball is all ready to
+be a state issue; he says the printin' press
+is a four horse-power an' he's sure as he
+can arrange for Hiram Mullins to work the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>
+wringer the day he goes to press. Mr.
+Kimball says he's positive that Hiram 'll
+regard it as nothin' but child's play to
+wring off his grocery bill that way. I don't
+know what Gran'ma Mullins will say to
+that&mdash;or Lucy either for that matter&mdash;but
+Mr. Kimball's so sure that he knows
+best that I see it was n't no time to pull
+Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy in by the ears.
+Mr. Kimball says he's been turnin' it over
+in his mind's eye ever since yesterday when
+he first see Elijah. He says Elijah is just
+mad with ideas an' says he 's willin' to
+make us known far an' wide if we'll only
+give him a chance. Mr. Kimball says we
+all ought to feel ready to admit that it's
+time we was more than a quarter of a
+column a week in the <i>Meadville Mixture</i>.
+He says the <i>Meadville Mixture</i> ain't never
+been fair to us an' Judge Fitch says it
+ain't got right views as to its foreign policy.
+Mr. Kimball says that after Elijah went
+back to town yesterday afternoon he went
+up to Judge Fitch's office an' Judge Fitch<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>
+said if we had a paper of our own he'd be
+more than willin' to write a editorial occasionally
+himself, a editorial as would open
+the president's eyes to the true hiddenness
+of things, an' set the German emperor to
+thinkin', an' give the czar some insight
+into what America knows about <i>him</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Kimball says this is the day of
+consolidation an' if we had a paper the
+Cherry Ponders an' all the Clightville
+people'd naturally join in an' take it too.
+He says he's figured that if he can start
+out with a hundred paid-up subscribers of
+a dollar each he can make a go of it. He
+says Elijah says set him up the press an'
+<i>he</i> don't ask no better fun than to live on
+bread an' water while he jumps from peak
+to peak of fame, but Mr. Kimball says
+Elijah's young an' limber an' he shall want
+the paid-up subscriptions himself afore he
+begins to transport a printin' press around
+the country.</p>
+
+<p>"I told him he could count on you an'
+me takin' one between us before I knowed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>
+what was really the main object of his
+visit, an' then when he come out with
+what <i>was</i> the main object of his visit, an'
+when I sensed what he was after I must
+say I considered as he should have made
+that his first word an' give me my paper
+for nothin',&mdash;seein' as the whole of the thing
+is got to rest right on me, for I don't know
+what <i>is</i> the bottom of a newspaper if it
+ain't the woman as boards the editor.
+Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that's my view in a
+nutshell, the more so as Mr. Kimball
+openly says as Elijah Doxey says he's a
+genius an' can't live in any house where
+there's other folks or any noise but his
+own. Mr. Kimball said it seemed as if a
+good angel had made me for the town to
+turn to in its bitter need an' that it was
+on me as the new newspaper would have
+to build its reputation in its first sore
+strait; an' he said too as he would in confidence
+remark as my influence on Elijah's
+ideas would be what he should be really
+lookin' to to make the paper a success, for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>
+he says as Elijah is very young an' will
+be wax in my hands an' I can mold him
+an' public opinion right along together.
+He said he really did n't look for him to be
+any great trouble to feed because he'd be
+out pickin' up items most of the time, an'
+then too, he says he can always give him
+a handful of his new brand of dried apples
+as is advertised to be most puffin' an'
+fillin'; why, do you know, Mrs. Lathrop,
+he told me as he'd developed the process
+now to where if you eat two small pieces
+you feel like you never wanted another
+Thanksgivin' dinner as long as you live."</p>
+
+<p>"And so&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop eagerly,
+Susan pausing an instant for breath just
+here.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, in the end I said I would, for
+three months. I don't know as I was
+wise, but I thought it was maybe my duty
+for three months. I'm tired of seein' the
+Clightville folks called 'Glimpses' an' us
+called 'Dabs' in that <i>Meadville Mixture</i>,
+an' last week you remember how they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>
+spelt it wrong an' called us 'Dubs,' which
+is far from my idea of politeness. It was
+being mad over that as much as anythin'
+that made me up an' tell Mr. Kimball as
+I'd take Elijah an' take care of him an'
+look to do what I could to make the paper
+a success for three months. I told him
+as it was trustin' in the dark, for Elijah
+was a unknown quantity to me an' I never
+did like the idea of a man around my nice,
+clean house, but I said if he'd name the
+Meadville items the 'Mud Spatters' an' so
+get even for our feelin's last week I'd do
+my part by feedin' him an' makin' up his
+bed mornin's. Mr. Kimball said I showed
+as my heart an' my brains was both in the
+right place, an' then he got up an' shook
+hands an' told me as he would in confidence
+remark as he expected to make a very good
+thing all round for he was gettin' the
+printin' press awful cheap and Elijah likewise."</p>
+
+<p>"When&mdash;?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Next Wednesday. Elijah's comin' up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>
+freight with the printin' press. Mr. Kimball
+says he suggested that himself. He
+says it cuts two birds with one knife for it
+makes it look as if the printin' press was
+extra fine instead of second-hand, an' it
+gets Elijah here for nothin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I would, too," said Miss Clegg, "only
+you see I have n't got time. I ought not
+to be here now. I ought to be over gettin'
+his room ready an' takin' out the little
+comforts. As far as my order of thinkin'
+goes, little comforts is lost on men, Mrs.
+Lathrop, they always trip over them an'
+smash them in the dark."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II</h2>
+
+<p class="center">ELIJAH DOXEY AND HIS LOCKED BOX</p>
+
+
+<p>"Well," suggested Mrs. Lathrop one
+pleasant Saturday morning, a few
+days later, when she and her friend met
+at the fence. Miss Clegg looked slightly
+fretted and more than slightly warm, for
+she had been giving her garden an uncommonly
+vigorous weeding on account of an
+uncommonly vigorous shower which had
+fallen the afternoon before. The weeding
+had been so strenuous that Miss Clegg was
+quite disposed to stop and rest, and as she
+joined her neighbor and read the keen
+interest that never failed to glow in the
+latter's eyes, her own expression softened
+slightly and she took up her end of the
+conversation with her customary capability
+at giving forth.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I don't know," she began, "an' Mr.
+Kimball don't know either. Elijah was
+tellin' me all about it last night. He <i>is</i> a
+trouble, Mrs. Lathrop, but I don't know
+but what it pays to have a man around
+when you can have them to talk to like
+I have him. Of course a new broom
+sweeps clean an' I've no intention of supposin'
+that Elijah will ever keep on coverin'
+his soap an' scrapin' his feet long, but
+so far so good, an' last night it was real
+pleasant to hear the rain an' him together
+tellin' how much trouble they're havin',
+owin' to Hiram's bein' too energetic
+wringin' the handle of the printin' press
+an' then to think as when he was all done
+talkin' it would be him an' not me as in
+common decency would have to go out in
+the wet to padlock the chickens. Seems,
+Mrs. Lathrop, as they're really havin' no
+end o' trouble over the new paper an'
+Elijah's real put out. He says Hiram had
+a idea as the more the speed the better
+the paper an' was just wringin' for dear<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>
+life, an' the first thing he knew the first
+issue begin to slide a little cornerways an'
+slid off into a crank as Elijah never knowed
+was there, an' him an' Mr. Kimball spent
+the whole of yesterday runnin' around like
+mad an' no way to fix it. As a consequence
+Elijah's very much afraid as
+there'll be no paper this week an' it's too
+bad, for every one is in town spendin' the
+day an' waitin' to take it home with them.
+Young Dr. Brown is goin' to feel just
+awful 'cause he'd bought twenty-five
+papers to mail to all his college class.
+There was goin' to be a item about him,
+an' Mrs. Brown says it was goin' to be a
+good one for she fed Elijah mince pie while
+he made his notes for it an' had Amelia
+play on her guitar, too."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you&mdash;?" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I can't say as I really know <i>what</i>
+to think of him just yet. I never see such
+a young man afore. He has some very
+curious ways, Mrs. Lathrop, ways as make
+me feel that I can't tell you positively<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>
+what I do think. Now yesterday was the
+first day as I knowed he'd be gone for
+long, so I took it to go through all his
+things, an' do you know, away down at
+the bottom of one of his trunks I found a
+box as was locked an' no key anywhere.
+Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I hunted, an' I hunted,
+an' I hunted, an' I couldn't find that key
+a <i>tall</i>. I never had any thin' of that kind
+in my house afore an' of course I ain't
+goin' to give up without a good deal more
+lookin', but if I can't find that key it'll
+prove beyond a shadow of a doubt as
+Elijah Doxey ain't of a trustin' nature an'
+if that's true I don't know how I ever
+<i>will</i> be able to get along with him. A
+trustin' nature is one thing to have around
+an' a distrustin' nature is another thing,
+an' I can tell you that there's somethin'
+about feelin' as you ain't trusted as makes
+me take my hands right out of my bread
+dough an' go straight upstairs to begin
+lookin' for that key again. The more I
+hunt the wilder I get, for it's a very small<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>
+box for a man to keep locked, an' it ain't
+his money or jewelry for it don't rattle
+when you shake it. It's too bad for me
+to feel so because in most other ways he's
+a very nice young man, although I will say
+as sunset is midnight compared to his hair."</p>
+
+<p>"Do&mdash;" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Then too, he said yesterday," Miss
+Clegg continued, "as he wanted it distinctly
+understood as his things was never
+to be touched by no one an' I told him as
+he could freely an' frankly rely on me.
+Now that's goin' to make it a great deal
+more work to hunt for that key from now
+on. An' I don't like to have it made any
+harder work to find a thing, as I have n't
+found yet a <i>tall</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Wh&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Not me," said Miss Clegg; "I ain't got
+any give-up in me. I'll keep on until I
+find it if I have to board Elijah Doxey till
+he dies or till I drop dead in my huntin'
+tracks. But I can see that my feelin'
+towards him is n't goin' to be what it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>
+might of been if he'd been frank an' open
+with me as I am with him an' every one
+else. He seems so frank an' open, too&mdash;in
+other ways than that box. He read his
+editorial aloud night afore last an' I must
+say it showed a real good disposition for
+he even wished the president well although
+he said as he knowed he was sometimes
+goin' to be obliged to maybe be a little
+bit hard on him. He said as plain speakin'
+an' to the purpose 'd be the very breath
+an' blast of the <i>Megaphone</i> an' he should
+found it on truth, honor an' the great
+American people, an' carry Judge Fitch
+to congress on them lines. I thought as
+Judge Fitch would object to goin' to congress
+on any lines after all he's said about
+what he thought of congress in public,
+but Elijah says a new paper must have a
+standard, an' he asked Judge Fitch if he
+minded being nailed to ours, an' the judge
+said he did n't mind nothin' these degenerate
+days, so Elijah just up with him."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"See Mrs. Macy?&mdash;yes, I see her in the
+square yesterday noon. She was just back
+from Meadville. She says the editor of
+the <i>Meadville Mixture</i> is awful bitter
+over our havin' a paper of our own, an'
+says he'll cross tinfoils with Elijah any
+day. I told Elijah what she said last night,
+but Elijah did n't mind. I hoped tellin'
+him'd take his appetite away, but he ate
+eleven biscuits just the same. That reminds
+me as he's comin' home to dinner
+to-day, an' I ought to be goin' in."</p>
+
+<p>"Goo&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;"But I'll come over after he goes an'
+tell you how the paper's comin' out," Susan
+added, as she turned from the fence;
+and as she was always true to her promises
+she did come over to Mrs. Lathrop's kitchen
+after dinner, wearing a clean apron and a
+new expression&mdash;an expression of mixed
+doubt and displeasure.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop hurried to give her a chair
+and make her welcome, and then took a
+chair herself and sat at attention.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Susan began at once.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," she said, "it's a good thing as
+the Fishers are thinkin' some of sendin'
+John Bunyan to college, for he's surely a
+sight too smart for this town."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes in wide
+surprise, as it was certainly not about John
+Bunyan that she had expected to hear tales.</p>
+
+<p>"Elijah says as John Bunyan made
+them all feel pretty cheap down at the
+printin' press this mornin'," Miss Clegg
+went on: "seems the whole community
+was squeezin' into the back of Mr. Kimball's
+store to see what under the sun
+could be done to get the first paper out of
+the press, when all of a sudden John Bunyan
+spoke up an' asked why they did n't
+turn the handle backward an' empty the
+whole muss out that way. Well, every
+one see the sense of what he said right off,
+an' so they began, an' as soon as they
+began to turn the crank backward the
+paper began to come out backward, tore,
+of course, but as nice as pie.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, Elijah says he most thought his
+uncle was goin' to take his job as editor
+away and give it to John Bunyan right off,
+he was so pleased. But Mr. Kimball ain't
+the sort of uncle as Elijah so far supposes
+himself to of got, an' he only give John
+Bunyan fifty cents' worth of soda water
+tickets, an' they're to work to-night (if
+Lucy'll let Hiram), an' have the paper
+ready for church to-morrow. The Jilkins
+an' Sperrits was a little disapp'inted 'cause
+they was n't comin' in to church, countin'
+on stayin' home an' readin' the paper all
+day instead, but Elijah's goin' to put in a
+late column of late news an' give 'em their
+money's worth that way. Mr. Kimball
+had arranged to have one whole column of
+Ks to draw attention to his dried apples,
+an' he's goin' to give it up for the occasion
+an' let Elijah write a Extra about the cause
+of the delay, for that's really all the late
+news there is. Then, too, Elijah's goin' to
+have a joke about the paper's comin' in
+among us like a man goes into politics,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>
+kind of slidin' an' turnin' this way an'
+that, an' I must say I begin to find some
+of Elijah's ideas pretty bright. But my
+mind's taken a new turn on his subjeck
+from what he said at dinner, an' I will
+admit, Mrs. Lathrop, as I see now as I
+misjudged him in one way, for he come
+an' asked me while I was washin' up if I
+knowed any way to open a locked box
+without a key, for he could n't find the key
+to his flute box nowhere, an' when he was
+a little nervous nights he always wore it
+off practisin' on his flute. Well, Mrs.
+Lathrop, you can maybe imagine as learnin'
+as there was a flute in that box an'
+the key lost, an' him in the habit of playin'
+that flute nights, altered my views more 'n
+a little, an' I can tell you that I had to
+think pretty fast afore answerin' him.
+While I was thinkin' he said he had n't
+played since he was here, an' he was gettin'
+so wild to play he thought the best
+way would be to maybe pry the lock open.
+I see then as I'd got to come out firm an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>
+I said I'd never consent to no young man
+in my house, spoilin' a good box like that
+an' maybe a fine flute too, just because he
+had n't got a little patience. He said I
+was right about its being a fine flute, an'
+he was just achin' to hear it an' blow it.
+I told him to let me hunt an' maybe I'd
+find the key, an' so he went off some
+soothed, an' now the Lord have mercy on
+you an' me, for Elijah Doxey never will
+from this day on. Will you only think
+of him bein' nervous an' playin' nights!
+It'll be worse than a tree-toad an' you
+know what a tree-toad is, Mrs. Lathrop,&mdash;I
+declare to goodness if Elijah acts like a
+tree-toad he'll drive me stark, ravin' mad."</p>
+
+<p>"Ca&mdash;" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't see how I can," said Miss Clegg,
+dubiously. "I shall do my best, but, oh
+my, a young man as is a editor an' has
+red hair an' a flute is awful uncertain to
+count on. I almost wish I had n't took
+him."</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I can't now," said Miss Clegg, "the
+arrangements of this world is dreadful hard
+on women. It's very easy to take a man
+into your house but once a woman has done
+it an' the man's settled, nobody but a
+undertaker can get him out in any way as
+is respectable accordin' to my order of
+thinkin'."</p>
+
+<p>"But you&mdash;" suggested Mrs. Lathrop,
+comfortingly.</p>
+
+<p>"I know, but even three months is a
+long time," said Miss Clegg, "an' he's
+begun to leave his soap uncovered already,
+an' oh my heavens alive, how am I ever
+goin' to stand that flute!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE NEWSPAPER</p>
+
+
+<p>"I'll tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop," said
+Miss Clegg the next Monday afternoon,
+"I ain't goin' to stay here so late but
+what I go home in time to make Elijah
+something hot an' comfortin' for supper
+to-night. I ain't any one to take sides,
+but I will say that my heart has gone out
+to that poor young man ever since I was
+down in the square this mornin'. I felt to
+be real glad as he'd took to-day to go
+up to the city, for I must say I'd of felt
+more'n a little sorry for him if he'd heard
+folks expressin' their opinion about his first
+paper."</p>
+
+<p>"Did he&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, he went to-day," said Miss Clegg.
+"He went on the early train an' one of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>
+joys of havin' a man in the house was as I
+had to be up bright an' early to get him
+his breakfast. I must say I never thought
+about his wantin' early breakfast when I
+agreed to take him, but I'm not one to
+refuse to feed even a editor, so I cooked
+him cakes just the same as I would any
+one else."</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I guess maybe he heard things
+yesterday as made him feel as it'd be just
+as well to let folks have time to sizzle down
+some afore they looked on his bright an'
+shinin' face again. I tell you what, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I can see as runnin' a newspaper
+ain't an easy thing an' the town is really
+so up in arms to-day, that I really would
+of made waffles for Elijah to eat instead of
+just plain cakes, if I'd knowed when he got
+up how mad every one was at him. I can
+see since I've been down town to-day as
+the square was n't likely to have been no
+bed of roses for him yesterday. The whole
+community is mad as hornets over the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>
+paper. Why, I never see folks so mad
+over nothin' before. Nobody likes his puttin'
+his own name right under the paper's,
+an' Dr. Brown says the editor belongs on
+the inside, anyhow. Dr. Brown's most
+<i>awful</i> mad 'cause Elijah's put his item
+right in with the advertisement of Lydia
+Finkham, an' he says he ain't nothin' as
+pretends to cure anythin' or everybody.
+He says he's a regular doctor as you have
+to take regular chances with an' he feels
+like suin' Elijah for slander. Gran'ma
+Mullins is mad, too, 'cause she was put in
+the personals an' Elijah went an' called
+her the 'Nestor of the crick,' without
+never so much as askin' by her leave. She
+says she ain't never done nothin' with the
+crick, an' if she ever nested anywhere it
+was in her own owned an' mortgaged
+house. Hiram says he'll punch Elijah if
+he ever refers to his mother's nestin' again,
+an' I guess Hiram feels kind of sore over
+Elijah's talkin' of his mother's nestin' when
+all the town knows how much he wishes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>
+as Lucy'd settle down and nest awhile
+instead of keepin' 'em all so everlastin'ly
+churned up. Mrs. Macy told me this
+mornin' as Lucy's whitewashin' the garret
+this week; she see the brush goin' 'round
+an' 'round the window on her side&mdash;she
+says it makes her bones ache just to live
+next door to Lucy's ways. She says
+they're so different from Gran'ma Mullins'
+ways. Gran'ma Mullins had n't had no
+whitewashin' done in twenty years&mdash;not
+since she rented the cottage of father.
+That's true an' I know it's true too because
+she's been askin' an' askin' me to have it
+done an' I said not by no means&mdash;so
+she's left off."</p>
+
+<p>"Did&mdash;?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"The Jilkinses is real mad over the paper,
+too," Susan continued. "Seems as Elijah
+went an' called 'em the 'Chirpy Cherry
+Ponders,' an' Mrs. Jilkins says where he
+got the idea as either of 'em ever chirped
+in their lives she cannot conceive, for Mr.
+Jilkins ain't so much as peeped a good<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>
+part of the time since they were married
+an' she says as for being chirpy, <i>she</i> looks
+upon the word as city slang. But Judge
+Fitch is about the maddest of all! I
+did n't read what Elijah said about him
+but every one else did, an' he says he was
+willin' to run for congress for the good of
+his country, but to put him up in a editorial
+as says he'll be proud to come back
+from Washington as poor as he goes there,
+is a very poor way to put heart into any
+man's contest. He says if he's got to come
+back from Washington as poor as he goes
+he can't see no good an' sufficient reason
+for goin' a <i>tall</i>, for he won't gain nothin'
+an' will be out his car fare there an' back.
+He says he never heard of no one comin'
+back from Washington as poor as they
+went before, an' it was a thing as he supposed
+could n't be done till he found Elijah
+had booked him to do it. He says if that's
+what he's to up an' teach his country, he
+don't thank Elijah for advertisin' him as
+any such novelty an' he says he won't go<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>
+to congress on any such terms&mdash;not while
+he knows himself. Mr. Kimball told me
+as he spoke to Elijah about it yesterday,
+an' Elijah said to him as it would be a
+strong plank for Judge Fitch to stand on
+in the middle of his platform, but Judge
+Fitch told Mr. Kimball as he could just
+tell his nephew frank an' open as that one
+plank in his platform had better be weak
+an' he'd take care to remember to step
+over it every time. He said he was just
+waitin' for a good chance to tell Elijah his
+opinion of him right to his face, an' he said
+as he should give him to understand as
+after this he must submit all other planks
+to <i>him</i> afore he printed 'em. Mr. Kimball
+says that Judge Fitch said good gracious
+him, there would n't be no knowin' what
+he'd have to live up to next, if Elijah
+was n't reined in tighter. Judge Fitch
+says the old way is good enough for him
+when he goes to Washington.</p>
+
+<p>"But that ain't all the trouble there is.
+Mr. Fisher feels very much hurt at Elijah's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>
+writin' any editorial without consultin' him
+first. He says he told him as he could
+have give him a motto out of Shakespeare
+about layin' on an' dammin' as would have
+put life in the campaign right off at the
+beginnin'; an' then there's Mrs. Macy as
+thinks he was awful mean to call her one
+as carries weight anywhere; I'm sure I
+wish Elijah had let Mrs. Macy alone for
+she's worse than hornets over that remark
+of his. She says maybe Elijah'll go over
+two hundred an' fifty hisself some day, an'
+if he does he'll know as it's no joke. She
+bu'st her rocker last night when she read
+what he said about her, an' she says bu'stin'
+a rocker ought to show better than any
+words how mad it made her. My, she
+says, but she was mad! I told Elijah
+when he was gettin' up the paper as he'd
+better never say nothin' about nobody in
+it, but Elijah can't help being a man an'
+very like all men in consequence, an' he said
+as a paper was n't nothin' without personal
+items, an' he thought folks would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>
+enjoy being dished up tart an' spicy. I
+told him my views was altogether different.
+'Elijah Doxey,' I says, 'you dish Meadville
+up tart an' spicy an' we'll all feel to enjoy,
+but you leave folks here alone.' But he
+didn't mind me an' now he's got a lesson
+as will maybe teach him to leave the armchairs
+of folks as is payin' for his paper
+unbu'sted henceforth."</p>
+
+<p>"Now&mdash;?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, we get along pretty well," said
+Susan; "a man's a man, an' of course any
+house always is pleasanter without one in
+it, but I guess if you have to have one
+around Elijah's about as little bother as
+you could ask. I'm teachin' him to be
+real orderly in a hurry just by puttin' his
+things where he couldn't possibly find 'em
+if he leaves 'em layin' around. You always
+can manage pleasantly if you're smart, an'
+I'm smart. If he don't empty his basin,
+I don't fill his pitcher; if he's late to meals,
+I eat up all as is hot;&mdash;oh! there's lots of
+ways of gettin' along, an' I try 'em all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>
+turn an' turn about. If one don't work
+another is sure to, an' if he ever does have
+a wife it won't be my fault&mdash;I know that.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Kimball asked me this mornin'
+what I thought of him anyhow. Mr.
+Kimball says as Elijah says as he personally
+thinks this year is sent to fit him for
+suthin' demandin' backbone, an' so he'd
+ought to be resigned to anythin'. That
+didn't sound just polite to me to my order
+of thinkin' an' Gran'ma Mullins come back
+just then an' broke in an' said if Elijah
+was resigned she wasn't, an' she hoped
+he'd never come her way any more when
+he was out pickin' up items."</p>
+
+<p>"Is any one&mdash;" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know," said Miss Clegg, "I
+don't believe so. Even the minister is
+mad; I met him comin' home an' I
+couldn't see what he had to complain of,
+for I didn't remember there bein' a single
+word about him in the whole paper. Come
+to find out he was all used up 'cause there
+<i>wasn't</i> nothin' about him in it. He told<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>
+me in confidence as he never got such a
+shock in all his life. He says he read the
+paper over nine times afore he was able to
+sense it, an' he says his last sermon was on
+hidin' your light under a bushel basket an'
+he had a copy all ready if Elijah had only
+come for it. He says he shall preach next
+Sunday on cryin' out unto you to get up,
+an' he shall take a copy to Elijah himself.
+I cheered him up all I could. I told him
+as a sermon preached on Sunday was n't
+likely to be no great novelty to no one on
+the Saturday after, but I'd see that he got
+it back all safe if Elijah throwed it into his
+scrap-basket. That seems to be the big
+part of bein' a editor&mdash;the throwin' things
+in his scrap-basket. Elijah's scrap-basket
+is far from bein' the joy of my life for he
+tears everythin' just the same way an' it
+makes it a long, hard job to piece 'em
+together again. Some days I don't get
+time an' then I <i>do</i> get so aggravated."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you ever&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop
+with real interest.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Not yet, but he ain't got really started
+yet. It's when the paper gets to Meadville
+an' Meadville begins to write him
+back what they think about what he thinks
+of them, that that scrap-basket will be
+interestin'! I guess I'll go home now an'
+make biscuits for supper. He was comin'
+back on the five-o'clock train. Poor Elijah,
+he'll have a hard day to-morrow but it'll
+do him good. Men never have to clean
+house, so the Lord has to discipline their
+souls any way he can, I suppose, an' to
+my order o' thinkin' this runnin' a newspaper
+is goin' to send Elijah a long ways
+upwards on his heavenly journey."</p>
+
+<p>"Does&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop, rising
+heavily to bid her friend good-bye.</p>
+
+<p>"Most likely," said Susan; "at any rate
+if he does n't have any appetite. I like 'em
+myself."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV</h2>
+
+<p class="center">SETTLING DOWN AFTER THE HONEYMOON</p>
+
+
+<p>Miss Clegg and Mrs. Lathrop were
+sitting on the latter's steps about
+five o'clock one Sunday afternoon when
+Elijah Doxey came out of the former's
+house and walked away down town.</p>
+
+<p>"I wond&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't believe it," said Miss Clegg; "I
+know the way you look at it, Mrs. Lathrop,
+but <i>I</i> don't believe it. All the girls
+is after him but that ain't surprisin' for
+girls are made to be after somethin' at
+that age an' there's almost nothin' for
+them to run down in this community.
+We're very short of men to marry, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' what men we have got ain't
+tall enough yet to do it, but still, it ain't
+no reason why Elijah should be in love<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>
+just because 'Liza Em'ly and all the other
+girls is in love with him. To my order o'
+thinkin' two sets of people have got to love
+to make a marriage, an' 'Liza Em'ly ain't
+but one. An' I don't know as I want
+Elijah to be in love, anyhow&mdash;not while
+he lives in my house. It might lead to
+his eatin' less but it would surely lead to
+his playin' the flute more, an' that flute
+is all I can stand now. He won't marry
+if I can help it, I know <i>that</i>, an' I keep his
+eagerness down by talkin' to him about
+Hiram Mullins all I can, an' surely Hiram
+is enough to keep any man from soarin'
+into marriage if he can just manage to
+hop along single an' in peace."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop,
+interestedly.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I should say I had&mdash;an' it's
+fresh on my mind, too. It was yesterday
+an' I see 'em both. Lucy come in the
+mornin' an' Gran'ma Mullins in the afternoon.
+I'd like to of had Hiram come in
+the evenin' an' tell his end, but Hiram<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>
+don't dare say a word to no man nowadays.
+As far as my observation's extended
+a man as lives steady with two
+women gets very meek as to even men.
+Hiram's learned as his long suit is to keep
+still an' saw wood when he ain't choppin'
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"What did&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Lucy come up right after market
+an' she said the reason she come was because
+she'd just got to talk or bu'st, an'
+she was n't anxious to bu'st yet awhile."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, just the usual tale as any one could
+o' foreseen if they went an' married Hiram
+Mullins. Any one might of easy knowed
+as Lucy Dill could n't no more enjoy
+Hiram Mullins than a cat could enjoy
+swimmin' lessons, but she <i>would</i> have him,
+an' she <i>had</i> to have him, an' now she's got
+him&mdash;so help her eternity to come."</p>
+
+<p>"Did she&mdash;" questioned Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Miss Clegg, "she ain't been
+married quite long enough for that yet;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>
+she's only been married long enough to
+come out strong an' bitter as to blamin'
+Gran'ma Mullins. I will say this for Lucy,
+Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that a fairer thing
+than blamin' Gran'ma Mullins for Hiram
+could n't be expected of whoever married
+Hiram, for it stands to reason as no one
+as had brains could marry Hiram an' not
+want to begin blamin' his mother five
+minutes after. Gran'ma Mullins never did
+seem able to look at Hiram with a impartial
+eye, an' Lucy says as it beats all kind
+of eyes the way she looks at him since he's
+got married. Why, Lucy says it's most
+made her lose faith in her Bible&mdash;the way
+she feels about Gran'ma Mullins. She says
+she's got a feelin' towards Gran'ma Mullins
+as she never knowed could be in a woman.
+She says she's come to where she just cannot
+see what Ruth ever stuck to Naomi
+for when the husband was dead an' Naomi
+disposed to leave, too. She says if anythin'
+was to happen to Hiram she'd never
+be fool enough to hang onto Gran'ma<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>
+Mullins. She sat down an' told me all
+about their goin' to town last week. She
+says she nigh to went mad. They started
+to go to the city just for a day's shoppin'
+an' she says it was up by the alarm clock at
+four an' breakfast at six for fear of missin'
+the nine-o'clock train an' then if Gran'ma
+Mullins did n't lose her little black bead
+bag with her weddin' ring an' the size of
+Hiram's foot an' eighty-five cents in it, so
+they could n't get him no bargain socks
+after all! All they could do was to buy
+the safety razor, an' when they got home
+with that there was n't no blade in it, an'
+they had to go way back to town next day.
+Come to find out the blade was in the box
+all the time, done up in the directions, only
+Hiram never read the directions, 'cause he
+said as it's a well-known fact as you can't
+cut yourself with a safety razor whatever
+you do.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Lucy says it's for that sort of
+doin's as she left her happy home an' her
+razor-stroppin' father, an' she says the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>
+billin' an' cooin' of Gran'ma Mullins over
+Hiram is enough to make a wedded wife
+sick. She says she would n't say it to no
+one but me, an' I promised her never to
+breathe it along any further, but she says
+she's beginnin' to question as to how long
+she's goin' to be able to stand it all. She
+says will you believe that nights Gran'ma
+Mullins is comin' in softly at all hours to
+tuck up Hiram's feet, an' Lucy's forever
+thinkin' she's either a rat or a robber or
+else hittin' at her for Hiram himself. She
+says as it's Heaven's own truth as Gran'ma
+Mullins is warmin' his flannels every Saturday
+to this day, an' that the tears stand
+in her very eyes when Lucy won't help him
+off with his boots."</p>
+
+<p>"I never&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, nor no one else. It's all Gran'ma
+Mullins' foolishness. She begun to be foolish
+when Hiram begun to know things. I
+can remember when he used to run everywhere
+behind her with a little whip, 'cause
+he liked to play horse, an' although she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>
+used to pretend that she let him 'cause it
+kept the moths out of her clothes, still
+every one knowed as it was just her spoilin'
+of him. Now he's growed up spoiled an'
+poor Lucy Dill's got the consequences to
+suffer.</p>
+
+<p>"An' Lucy surely is sufferin'! She says
+she ain't exactly discouraged, but it's
+swimmin' up Niagara Falls to try an' break
+either of 'em of their bad habits. She
+says she has to look on at kisses until the
+very thought of one makes her seasick, an'
+she says to see Gran'ma Mullins listenin' to
+Hiram singin' is enough to make any one
+blush down to the very ground.</p>
+
+<p>"I cheered her all I could. I told her
+as you can't make no sort of a purse out
+of ears like Hiram's, an' that what can't
+be cured has always got to be lived with
+unless you're a man. She cried some, poor
+thing, an' said her mother always used to
+say as Hiram was cut out to make some
+girl wish he was dead, but she said she
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>always thought as her mother was prejudiced.
+She said Hiram had a sort of way
+with him before he was married as was so
+hopeful, an' he used to look at her an' sigh
+till it just went all through her how happy
+they'd be if they could only be together
+all they wanted to be together. Well, you
+c'n believe me or not, just as you please,
+Mrs. Lathrop, but she says he ain't sighed
+once&mdash;not once&mdash;since they was married,
+an' as for bein' happy&mdash;well&mdash;she says
+she's about give up hope. She don't want
+folks to know, 'cause she says she's got
+some pride, but she says there's no tellin'
+how soon it'll run out if Gran'ma Mullins
+keeps on huggin' Hiram, an' tellin' her how
+perfect he is over his own head."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I should say not," said Susan;
+"but Hiram Mullins always was his
+mother's white goose, an' the whole town
+is a witness. My idea if I was Lucy would
+be to shut right down solid on the whole
+thing. I'd put a bolt on my door an' keep
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>Gran'ma Mullins an' her tuckin' tendencies
+on the other side, an' if Hiram Mullins
+did n't come to time I'd bolt him out, too,
+an' if he was n't nice about it I'd get out
+of the window an' go home to my father.
+I guess Mr. Dill would be very glad to have
+Lucy home again, for they say 'Liza
+Em'ly's no great success keepin' house for
+him. Some one told me as Mr. Dill was in
+mortal fear as he was practically feedin'
+the minister's whole family every time she
+went home, an' that would be enough to
+make any man, as had only his own self
+to feed, want his own daughter back, I
+should think.</p>
+
+<p>"There's Mrs. Macy as would be glad to
+keep house for him if he 'd marry her first,
+of course, but to my order of thinkin' Mr.
+Dill don't want to marry Mrs. Macy near
+as much as Mrs. Macy wants to marry Mr.
+Dill. Mrs. Macy says he's pesterin' her to
+death, an' Mr. Dill says if it's pesterin' to
+speak when you're spoken to, he must buy
+a new dictionary an' learn the new meanin'
+of the words by heart. Between ourselves,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>
+I guess Mr. Dill is learnin' the lesson of
+wedded bliss from lookin' at Lucy an' rememberin'
+her mother. Lucy ain't very
+happy an' you know as well as I do what
+Mrs. Dill was. Her husband won't marry
+again in a hurry, an' he's smart if he don't,
+for if Lucy ain't home in less 'n a year I'll
+make you a tea cake."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you ain't Lucy Dill," said her
+friend. "If you was you'd be different.
+Lucy says this being waked up by havin'
+a hot flatiron slid in among your feet most
+any time for no better reason than 'cause
+his mother thought she heard Hiram sneeze,
+is a game as can be played once too often.
+I see her temper was on the rise so I struck
+in, an' give her a little advice of my own,
+an' as a result she says she's goin' to take
+a strong upper hand to 'em both an' there
+won't be no velvet glove on it neither.
+She says she can see as it's do or die for
+her now, an' she don't mean to be done nor
+to die neither. She drank some tea as I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>
+made strong on purpose, an' shook her
+head hard an' went home, an' God help
+Hiram if he hummed last night; an' as for
+Gran'ma Mullins, Lucy said if she come
+stealin' in to feel if Hiram was breathin'
+reg'lar, she was going to get slapped for a
+mosquito in a way as she'd long remember."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me&mdash;" commented Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I did n't blame her," said Miss
+Clegg. "Of course I did n't know as I
+was going to hear the other side afore night
+fell, but hearin' her side stirred me up so
+that I give her my advice, an' my advice
+was to put the bootjack under her pillow.
+There ain't no sense in women sufferin'
+any more, to my idea of thinkin'. It's a
+good deal easier to go to bed with a bootjack,
+an' I look to see Lucy really happy
+or Hiram smashed flat soon in consequence."</p>
+
+<p>"But you&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop, wide-eyed.</p>
+
+<p>"I know, an' that did change my ideas.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>
+Of course when I was talkin' to Lucy I
+was n't expectin' to see Gran'ma Mullins
+so soon, but I won't say but what I was
+glad to see Gran'ma Mullins, too. It's a
+most curious feelin', I d'n know as I ever
+feel a curiouser than to hear both sides
+of anythin' from the both sides themselves
+right one after the other in the same day.
+O' course I learned long ago to never take
+any sides myself unless one of 'em was
+mine; but I will say as I don't believe no
+one could feel for others more 'n I do
+when I hear folks shakin' their heads over
+what as a general thing a person with
+brains like mine knows is their own fault,
+an' knowed was goin' to be their own
+fault afore they ever even began to think
+of doin' it.</p>
+
+<p>"Now there was Lucy Dill yesterday
+forenoon mournin' 'cause Hiram is Hiram
+an' his mother is his mother, an' then after
+dinner there comes Gran'ma Mullins with
+her bonnet strings an' her tears all streamin'
+together, an' wants my sympathy 'cause<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>
+Lucy herself is Lucy herself. Well, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I can't but feel proud o' being
+able to hold the reins so hard on my own
+bit that I never up an' told either on 'em
+the plain truth, which is as they was all
+fools together to of ever looked for the weddin'
+service to have changed any on 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"What did&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know as I'm prepared to say
+what I think. To hear Lucy you'd think
+<i>she</i> was surely the martyr, but to hear
+Gran'ma Mullins you would n't be sure
+after all. Gran'ma Mullins says after the
+honeymoon is over every one expects to
+settle down as a matter of course, an' she
+would n't say a word against it only it's
+Lucy is doin' all the settlin' an' poor Hiram
+as is doin' all the down. She says it's
+heartbreakin' to be a only mother an'
+watch the way as Hiram is being everlastin'ly
+downed. She says as we all remember
+that bright an' happy weddin'
+day<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a> an' how she downed her own feelin's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>
+an' waved rice after 'em just like everybody
+else when they started off weddin'-trippin',
+each with their own bag in his
+own hand. But, oh, she says, the way
+they come back! She says they come
+back with Hiram carryin' both bags, an'
+her heart sunk when she see 'em for she
+says when she was married it was <i>her</i> as
+come home carryin' both bags an' she says
+it's one of the saddest straws as ever blows
+a bride out. She says she never expected
+much of her marriage 'cause she was engaged
+on a April Fool's Day in Leap Year,
+an' he give her an imitation opal for a
+ring, but she says Hiram give Lucy a real
+green emerald with a 18 an' a K inside it
+an' he looked to be happy even with his
+mother's tears mildewin' his pillow every
+night that whole summer. She says no
+one will ever know how hard she did try
+to get sense into Hiram that summer afore
+it was too late. She says she used to sit
+up in tears an' wait for him to come home
+from seein' Lucy, an' weep on his neck<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>
+with her arms tight round him for two or
+three hours afterwards every night, but
+she says he never used to appreciate it.
+An' she says what he needed to marry for,
+anyway, Heaven only knows, with his
+whole life laid pleasantly out to suit him,
+an' a strong an' able-bodied mother ready
+an' smilin' to hand him whatever he
+wanted just as quick as he wanted it. An'
+she says she never asked him to do nothin'
+as she could possibly do herself an' the
+way Lucy orders him about!&mdash;well, she
+says it's beyond all belief. An' oh, but
+she says it goes through her like a chained-up
+bolt of lightnin' the voice Lucy speaks
+to him in, an' she said she would n't have
+no one know it for worlds but she says as
+near as she can figger she hit him over the
+head with a hairbrush night before last."</p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs."</p></div>
+
+<p>"With a&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast.</p>
+
+<p>"She says she ain't absolutely positive,
+but they was a-chasin' a June bug in their
+room together, an' she heard the smash an'
+the next mornin' when she went in to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>
+make Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy
+(she says Lucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker)
+she see the nick on the brush, an'
+she says when she see the nick an' remembered
+how hollow it rung, she knew as it
+could n't possibly have been nothin' in
+that room except Hiram's head. She says
+if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush
+now, Heaven only knows what she'll
+be after him with in a year, for Gran'ma
+Mullins' own husband went from a cake
+of soap to a whole cheese in a fortnight
+an' she says it's a well-known fact as when
+a married man is once set a-goin' he lands
+things faster an' faster. She says she
+thinks about the andirons there, ready to
+Lucy's hand, until she's scared white, an'
+yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd
+attract her to the water pitcher."</p>
+
+<p>"Did Mr.&mdash;" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly,
+after several attempts to slide a
+question-quoit in among Susan's game of
+words.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>
+could n't understand what he did do with
+them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just
+as awful for he grated the whole cake o'
+that soap on her front teeth to teach her
+not to never refer to the deacon again, an'
+he dropped the cheese square on her head
+when he was up on a step-ladder an' she
+was in a little cupboard underneath leanin'
+over for a plate, an' then he tried to make
+out as it was an accident. She says it
+was n't no accident though. She says a
+woman as gets a cheese on the back of her
+head from a husband as is on a step-ladder
+over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident
+story; she says that cheese like to of
+hurt her for life an' was the greatest of the
+consolations she had when he died. She
+says she never will forget it as long as she's
+alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her
+heaven she won't; she says when the cemetery
+committee come to her an' want her
+to subscribe for keepin' him trimmed with
+a lawn mower an' a little flag on Decoration
+Day, she always thinks of that cheese<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>
+an' says no, thank you, they can just mow
+him regularly right along with the rest.</p>
+
+<p>"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an'
+cold to see Hiram settin' out along that
+stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned
+every pin in from first to last. She says
+if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with
+him, but no, to bed he must go feelin' as
+bright as a button, an' in the mornin', oh
+my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear
+him wake up, for Lucy washes his face
+so sudden with cold water that he gives
+one howl before he remembers he's married,
+an' five minutes after she hangs every
+last one of the bedclothes square out of
+the window.</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a
+pretty sad tale first an' last, an' Gran'ma
+Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep
+being led to its halter, but she says she
+can't feel as meekness pays women much.
+She says she was meek an' Hiram's meek,
+an' she did n't get no reward but soap an'
+that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so far<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>
+is the hairbrush, an' the water pitcher
+loomin'.</p>
+
+<p>"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage
+was n't enough took into consideration
+nowadays, an' that it was too easy
+at the start, an' too hard at the finish.
+You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there
+ain't a mite o' doubt but what if the
+honeymoon come just afore the funeral
+there'd be a deal more sincere mournin'
+than there is as it is now, an' to <i>my</i> order
+of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore
+the children, folks would raise their
+families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mullins
+just that very thing but it did n't seem to
+give her much comfort. She give a little
+yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from
+havin' to sit by an' watch Lucy Dill raise
+Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd
+never be able to give 'em enough pie on
+the sly to keep 'em happy an' any one with
+half an eye could see they'd be washed an'
+brushed half to death. She says Lucy
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>won't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards
+or sweep a room without carryin'
+all the furniture out into the yard; oh my,
+she says her ways is most awful an' I expect
+that, to Gran'ma Mullins, they are.</p>
+
+<p>"I cheered her all I could. I told her
+she'd better make the best o' things now,
+'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd
+make her madder an' madder, an'
+they'll all soon be lookin' back to this
+happy first year as their one glimpse of
+paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy
+told me o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell
+Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucy or he'd
+never stand being hit for a June bug or
+woke with a wash-cloth. But I did kind
+of wonder how long it would last. If I
+was Lucy it would n't last long, I know
+<i>that</i>. If I'd ever married a man I don't
+know how long he'd of stood it or how
+long I'd of stood him, but I know one
+thing, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from
+my heels to my hairpins&mdash;an' I said it to
+Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it
+to you now&mdash;an' that is that if I could n't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>
+of stood him I would n't of stood him, for
+this is the age when women as read the
+papers don't stand nothin' they don't want
+to&mdash;an' I would n't neither."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you ain't me," said Miss Clegg,
+"you ain't me an' you ain't Elijah neither.
+I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no
+livin' in the house with any man as supposes
+livin' in the house with any other
+woman is goin' to be pleasanter than livin'
+in the house with the woman as he's then
+an' there livin' in the house with. The
+main thing in life is to keep men down to
+a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but
+yours an' keep yourself down to a low
+opinion of the man. You don't want to
+marry him then an' he don't want to live
+with any one else. An' to my order of
+thinkin' that's about the only way that a
+woman can take any comfort with a man
+in the house."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V</h2>
+
+<p class="center">SUSAN CLEGG'S FULL DAY</p>
+
+
+<p>"Well," said Miss Clegg, with strong
+emphasis, as she mounted Mrs.
+Lathrop's steps, "I don't know, I'm sure,
+what I've come over here for this night,
+for I never felt more like goin' right straight
+off to bed in all my life before." Then she
+sat down on the top step and sighed
+heavily.</p>
+
+<p>"It's been a full day," she went on
+presently; "an' I can't deny as I was
+nothin' but glad to remember as Elijah
+was n't comin' home to supper, for as a
+consequence I sha'n't have it to get. A
+woman as has had a day like mine to-day
+don't want no supper anyhow, an' it
+stands to reason as if I don't feel lively
+in the first place, I ain't goin' to be made<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>
+any more so by comin' to see you, for I
+will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, that seein' you
+always makes me wonder more'n ever
+why I come to see you so often when I
+might just as well stay home an' go to bed.
+If I was in my bed this blessed minute
+I'd be very comfortable, which I'm very
+far from bein' here with this mosquito aimin'
+just over my slap each time; an' then,
+too, I'd be alone, an' no matter how hard
+I may try to make myself look upon bein'
+with you as the same thing as bein' alone,
+it is n't the same thing an' you can't in
+conscience deny <i>that</i>, no matter how hard
+you may sit without movin'."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop made no reply to this frank
+comment on her liveliness, and after a
+short pause, Miss Clegg sighed heavily
+a second time, and continued:</p>
+
+<p>"It's been a full day, a awful full day.
+In the first place the rooster was woke by
+accident last night an' he up an' woke me.
+He must of woke me about three o'clock
+as near as I can figure it out now, but I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>
+supposed when I was woke as of course it
+was five so I got right up an' went in an'
+woke Elijah. Elijah told me last week as
+he did n't believe he'd ever seen the sun
+rise an' I was just enough out of sorts to
+think as to-day would be a good time for
+him to begin to turn over a new leaf as
+far as the sunrise was concerned. I must
+say he was n't very spry about the leaf, for
+all he did was to turn himself over at first,
+but I opened his window an' banged the
+blinds three or four times an' in the end he
+got woke up without really knowin' just
+what had woke him. We had breakfast
+with a candle, an' then Elijah was so tired
+lookin' out for the sunrise that he looked
+in at his watch an' see as it was only
+quarter to four then. He was real put out
+at that at first 'cause he wrote till half
+past two last night, an' in the end he went
+back to bed an' it certainly was a relief to
+see the last of him, for I may in confidence
+remark as I never see him look quite so
+stupid afore. After he was gone back to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span>
+bed I washed up the breakfast dishes an'
+then I went out in the wood shed in the
+dark an' there I got another surprise, for
+I thought I'd look over the rags I was
+savin' for the next rag rug an' when I
+poured 'em out in my lap, what do you
+think, Mrs. Lathrop, what <i>do</i> you think
+poured out along with 'em?&mdash;Why, a
+nest of young mice an' two old ones!</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe
+imagine my feelin's at four in the mornin'
+with Elijah gone back to bed an' my own
+lap full of mice, but whatever I yelled
+did n't disturb him any an' I just made
+two jumps for the lamp in the kitchen,
+leavin' the mice wherever they hit to rearrange
+their family to suit themselves.
+Well, the second jump must needs land me
+right square on top of the cistern lid, an'
+it up an' went in, takin' my left leg along
+with it as far as it would go. Well, Mrs.
+Lathrop, talk of girls as can open an' shut,
+like scissors, in a circus&mdash;I was scissored
+to that degree that for a little I could n't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>
+think which would be wisest, to try an'
+get myself together again in the kitchen or
+to just give up altogether in the cistern.
+In the end I hauled the leg as had gone
+in out again, an' then I see where all the
+trouble come from, for the cistern lid was
+caught to my garter an' what I'd thought
+was a real injury was only it swingin'
+around an' around my leg. I put the lid
+back on the cistern an' felt to sit with my
+legs crossed for quite a while, thinkin'
+pleasant thoughts of the rooster as woke
+me, an' by that time it was half past four,
+an' I could hear all the other chickens stirrin'
+so I got up an' began to stir again
+myself. I opened the front door an' looked
+out an' that did n't bring me no good luck
+either, for as I looked out a bat flew in an'
+just as the bat flew in he managed to hook
+himself right in my hair. Well, Mrs. Lathrop,
+I tell you I <i>was</i> mad then. I don't
+know as I ever was madder than I was
+then. I was so mad that I can't tell you
+how mad I was. The bat held on by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>
+diggin' in like he thought I wanted to get
+him off, an' I pulled at him so hard that
+I can't in conscience be surprised much
+over his takin' that view of it. Well, in
+the end I had to take all my hairpins out
+first an' then sort of skin him out of my
+hair lengthways, which, whatever you may
+think about it, Mrs. Lathrop, is far from
+bein' funny along afore dawn on a day as
+you 've begun at three thinkin' as it was
+five."</p>
+
+<p>"Susan!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop;
+"don't&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I'll have some when I get home.
+I like mine better than yours anyway.
+Now you've made me forget where I was
+in my story."</p>
+
+<p>"You&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes, I remember now. Well, I
+was too put out at first to notice what the
+bat did after I got him out o' my head,
+but when I went upstairs I found him
+circlin' everywhere in a way as took every
+bit of home feelin' out of the house an' I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>
+just saw that I'd have no peace till I could
+be alone with Elijah again. So I got up
+an' got a broom an' went a battin' for all
+I was worth. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can
+believe me or not just as you please, but
+for one solid hour I run freely an' gayly up
+an' down an' over an' under my own house
+after that bat. I never see nothin' like
+that bat before or behind. He just sort
+of sailed here an' there an' everywhere, an'
+wherever he sailed smoothly an' easily
+there was me runnin' after him with the
+broom, whackin' at him every chance I
+got. We was upstairs, we was downstairs,
+we was in the wood shed an' out of the
+wood shed, we was under the kitchen table,
+we was over father's picture on the mantel&mdash;we
+was everywhere, me an' that bat.
+Then all of a sudden he disappeared completely
+an' I sit down in the rockin'-chair
+to puff an' rest. Elijah slept till most
+eight an' I was so tired I let him sleep
+although I never was one to approve of
+any man's sleepin', but before he woke<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>
+something worse than a bat come down
+on me, an' that was Mrs. Sweet's cousin,
+Jerusha Dodd. You know Jerusha Dodd,
+Mrs. Lathrop, an' so do I, an' so does
+everybody an' as far as my observation 's
+extended bats is wise men bringin' their
+gifts from afar to visit you compared to
+Jerusha Dodd when she arrives in the
+early mornin'. I would n't never have
+gone to the door only she stepped up on the
+drain-pipe first an' looked in an' saw me
+there in the rockin'-chair afore she knocked.
+I tell you I was good an' mad when I see
+her an' see as she see me an' I made no
+bones of it when I opened the door. I
+says to her frank an' open&mdash;I says,
+'Good gracious, Jerusha, I hope you ain't
+lookin' to see me pleased at seein' as it's
+you.' But laws, you could n't smash
+Jerusha Dodd not if you was a elephant
+an' she was his sat-down-upon fly, so I had
+her sittin' in the kitchen an' sighin' in
+less'n no time. She was full of her woes
+an' the country's woes as usual. Congress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>
+was goin' to ruin us next year sure, an' she
+had a hole in her back fence anyway; she
+did n't approve of Mr. Rockefeller's prices
+on oil, an' there was a skunk in her cellar,
+an' she said she could n't seem to learn to
+enjoy livin' the simple life as she'd had
+to live it since her father died, a <i>tall</i>. She
+said that accordin' to her views life for
+single women nowadays was too simple an'
+she said she really only lacked bein' buried
+to be dead. She says as all a simple life
+is, is havin' no rights except them as your
+neighbors don't want. She says for her
+part she's been more took into the heart
+of creation than she's ever cared about. I
+do hate to have to listen to the way she
+goes on an' no one can say as I ever was
+one to encourage her in them views. I
+don't think it's right to encourage no one
+in their own views 'cause their views is
+never mine an' mine is always the right
+ones. This mornin' I stood it as long as
+I could from Jerusha an' then I just let
+out at her an' I says to her, I says,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>
+'Jerusha Dodd, you really are a fool an'
+Heaven help them as ever makes more of
+a fool of you, by tellin' you as you ain't.'
+You know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop;
+she began to cry hard an' rock harder right
+off, said she knowed she was a fool, but it
+was nature's fault an' not hers for she was
+born so an' could n't seem to get the
+better of it. I told her my view of the
+matter would be for her to stay home an'
+patch up that hole in her fence an' pull
+up some o' that choice garden full of weeds
+as she's growin', an' brush the dust off
+the crown of her bonnet, an' do a few other
+of them wholesome little trifles as is a good
+deal nearer the most of us than Mr. Rockefeller
+an' what congress in its infinite wisdom
+is goin' to see fit to deal out in the
+daily papers next year.</p>
+
+<p>"But she only kept on cryin' an' rockin'
+an' finally I got so tired listenin' to her
+creak an' sob that I went out an' had a
+real bright idea. I got the little sink
+scratcher an' tied a wet piece of rag to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>
+handle an' went around behind her an' hung
+it suddenly in her back hair. She put up
+her hand an' felt it, an' give a yell that
+woke Elijah. You know how Jerusha
+Dodd acts when she's upset! She spun
+around so the sink scratcher fell right out
+but she did n't have sense enough left in
+her to know it. She yelled, 'What was it?
+what was it?' an' I yelled, 'It was a bat,
+it was a bat;' an' at that I see the last of
+Jerusha Dodd, for she was out of my
+kitchen an' out of my sight afore Elijah
+could get to the top of the stairs to begin
+yellin', 'What was it? what was it?' on his
+own hook. I had to tell him all about it
+then an' he wanted it for a item right off.
+He said he'd have a dash for Jerusha an'
+a star for me, an' the idea took him like
+most of his ideas do, an' he laughed till he
+coughed the coffee as I'd saved for him
+all the wrong way, an' dropped a soft
+boiled egg as I'd boiled for him into the
+water pitcher, an', oh my, I thought misfortunes
+never would come to a end or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>
+even to a turnin'. But after he'd fished
+out the egg an' eat it, he went off down
+to his uncle's an' he was n't more'n gone
+when in come Mrs. Sweet to see if Jerusha
+left her breastpin, 'cause in her quick
+breathin' it had fallen somewhere an'
+Jerusha was havin' hysterics over losin'
+that now. While I was talkin' to Mrs.
+Sweet at the gate I smelt somethin' burnin'
+an' there my whole bakin' of bread was
+burnt up in the oven owin' to Jerusha
+Dodd's breathin' her breastpin out over a
+bat. I felt to be some tempered then, an'
+Mrs. Sweet saw it an' turned around an'
+left me, an' after she was gone I went into
+the house an' pulled down the shades an'
+locked the door an' went to sleep. I slept
+till Elijah come home to dinner an' of
+course there was n't no dinner ready an'
+that put Elijah out. Elijah's got a good
+deal of a temper, I find, an' the only thing
+in the world to do with a man in a temper,
+when he is in a temper, is to make him so
+mad that he goes right off in a huff an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>
+leaves you to peace again. So I just made
+one or two remarks about my opinion of
+things as he feels very strong about, an'
+he said he guessed he'd get supper down
+town an' sleep at the store to-night. So
+he took himself off an' he was hardly out
+of the way when Mrs. Macy come to tell
+me about Judy Lupey's divorce."</p>
+
+<p>"Is&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Not yet, but she soon will be," said
+Miss Clegg. "Mrs. Macy's just back from
+Meadville an' she says all Meadville is
+churned up over it. They ain't never had
+a divorce there afore, an' every one is so
+interested to know just how to do it, an'
+I will say this much for Mrs. Macy, an'
+that is that she was nothin' but glad to
+tell me all about it. Seems as the Lupeys
+is most awful upset over it though an'
+Mrs. Kitts says she ain't sure as she won't
+change her will sooner than leave money
+to a woman with two husbands."</p>
+
+<p>"Two&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Macy says," continued Susan,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>
+"as Mrs. Lupey ain't much better pleased
+than Mrs. Kitts over it all, an', although
+she did n't say it in so many words, she
+hinted pretty plain as it seemed hard as
+the only one of the girls to get married
+should be the same one as is gettin'
+divorced. Mrs. Macy said she see her
+point of view, but to her order of thinkin'
+the world don't begin to be where old
+maids need consider divorces yet awhile.
+She says she stayed in the house with 'em
+all three days an' she says she cheered
+Mrs. Lupey all she could; she says she told
+her to her best ear as no one but a mother
+would ever have dreamed of dreamin' of
+Faith or Maria's ever marryin' under any
+circumstances. She said Mrs. Lupey said
+it was the quickness of Judy's gettin' tired
+of Mr. Drake as had frightened her most.
+Why, she says as before the first baby was
+through teethin' in her day, Judy was all up
+an' through an' completely done with Mr.
+Drake. All done with him an' home again,
+an' the family not even countin' to consider.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Macy says as she's learned a
+awful lot about divorce as she did n't know
+before. She said she could n't help being
+surprised over how much a divorce is like
+a marriage, for Busby Bell was there every
+night an' Judy an' the whole family is hard
+at work gettin' her clothes ready. But
+Mrs. Macy says them as suppose the real
+gettin' of the divorce itself is simple had
+ought to go an' stay at the Lupeys awhile.
+Why, she says the way the Lupeys is complicated
+an' tied up by Judy an' Mr. Drake
+is somethin' beyond all belief. To begin
+with, Judy decided to be deserted because
+she thought it'd really be the simplest an'
+easiest in the end an' she hated to bother
+with bein' black an' blue for witnesses an'
+all that kind of business. But it seems
+being deserted, when you live in the same
+town with a husband who rides a bicycle
+an' don't care where he meets you, is just
+enough to drive a woman nigh to madness
+itself. Why, Mrs. Macy says that Judy
+Lupey actually can't go out to walk a <i>tall</i>,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>
+not 'nless Faith walk a block ahead of
+her an' Maria a block behind, an' even then
+Mr. Drake's liable to come coastin' down
+on 'em any minute. She says it's awful
+tryin', an' Judy gets so mad over it all that
+it just seems as if they could <i>not</i> stand it.</p>
+
+<p>"But that ain't the only trouble neither,
+Mrs. Macy says. Seems Judy got Solomon
+Drake for her lawyer 'cause he knowed the
+whole story, through eatin' dinner at the
+Drakes every Sunday while they was stayin'
+married. She thought havin' Solomon
+Drake would save such a lot of explainin'
+'cause Mr. Drake is so hard to explain to
+any one as has just seen him ridin' his bicycle
+an' not really been his wife. Well, seems
+as Judy never calculated on Solomon's
+keepin' right on takin' Sunday dinner with
+Mr. Drake, after he became her lawyer, but
+he does, an' none of the Lupeys think it
+looks well, an' Judy finds it most tryin'
+because all she an' Solomon talk over about
+the divorce he tells Mr. Drake on Sunday
+out of gratitude for his dinner an' because<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span>
+it's a subject as seems to really interest
+Mr. Drake. Seems Mr. Drake is a hard
+man to interest. Judy says he was yawnin'
+afore they got to the station on their
+honeymoon.</p>
+
+<p>"But Mrs. Macy says that ain't all,
+neither, whatever you may think, for she
+says what do you think of Mr. Drake's
+goin' an' gettin' Busby Bell of all the men
+in Meadville for <i>his</i> lawyer, when the whole
+town knows as it's Busby as Judy's goin'
+to marry next. Mrs. Lupey says as Judy
+would have took Busby for her own lawyer
+only they was so afraid of hurtin' each
+other's reputations, an' now really it's terrible,
+'cause Busby says as he don't well
+see what's to be done about their reputations
+if the worst comes to the worst, for
+he's explained as very likely Judy's goin'
+to need one more man than a husband to
+get her her divorce. Mrs. Macy says Mrs.
+Lupey says as Busby said as if he had n't
+been Mr. Drake's lawyer he'd have been
+more than ready to be the other man, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span>
+as Mr. Drake's lawyer he can't help Judy
+no more'n if he was Mr. Drake himself.
+Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey cried, an' she
+told her as she knowed as there was any
+number of quiet elderly men as any one
+could depend on right here in our own
+community as'd be nothin' but glad to go
+over to Meadville an' help anyway they
+could, but Mrs. Lupey asked Judy about
+it, an' Judy asked Busby, an' Busby said
+men as you could depend on anywhere
+was n't no use in divorce suits a <i>tall</i>. It's
+quite another kind, it seems. Mrs. Macy
+says she's really very sorry for them all,
+for it really seems awful to think how the
+Lupeys need a man an' the only man
+they've got Judy's busy gettin' rid of as
+hard as she can.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Macy says it's all most upsettin'.
+She says she never lived through nothin'
+like it afore. Judy's cross 'cause she can't
+go out an' meet Busby without runnin' the
+risk of meetin' Mr. Drake an' losin' all the
+time she's put in so far bein' deserted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>
+An' then there's a many things as a outsider
+never would know about or even
+guess at unless they've lived right in the
+house with a real live divorce. Mrs. Macy
+says as Martha Hack, as does the washin'
+for 'em all, is forever forgettin' an' sendin'
+Judy's wash home with Mr. Drake's just
+as if they was still completely married.
+That would n't be so bad only Mr. Drake
+waits for Solomon to get 'em Sunday, an'
+Solomon's kind-hearted an' gives 'em to
+Busby so as to give him a excuse to make
+two calls in one day. Well, Mrs. Macy
+says the come out of it all is as when Judy
+wants to take a bath just about all Meadville
+has to turn out to see where under
+heaven her clean clothes is.</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, tellin' it all
+to you does n't matter so much, but to
+hear Mrs. Macy tell it makes you wonder
+if it's worth while to try an' leave a man
+as you can't live with. Seems to me
+it'd be easier to live with him. Mrs. Macy
+says as she met Mr. Drake several times<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>
+herself on his bicycle an' he looked most
+bloomin'. No one need be sorry for him,
+an' not many is sorry for Judy. But Mrs.
+Macy says there's only one person as all
+Meadville's sorry for, an' that's Busby Bell."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop started to speak.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," Susan went on hurriedly. "Elijah
+said just that same thing the other
+day when he was talkin' about the Marlboroughs.
+He thinks as divorces is all a
+mistake, but then you're a widow an'
+Elijah ain't married so you're both pretty
+safe in airin' your views."</p>
+
+<p>Susan rose just here and descended the
+steps. "I must go," she said, "I don't
+seem to take no particular interest in what
+you might be goin' to tell me, Mrs. Lathrop,
+even if there was any chance of your
+ever gettin' around to tellin' it, an' I've
+told you all I know, an' I'm very tired
+talkin'. As I said before, it's been a full
+day an' I'm pretty well beat out. I forgot
+to tell you as after Mrs. Macy was gone
+I found as it was n't the bread I smelt in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>
+the oven&mdash;it was the bat. I suppose
+when I see Mr. Kimball he'll make one of
+his jokes over bread-dough an' bats an'
+batter, but I'll be too wore out to care.
+Did I say as Elijah said he'd sleep at the
+store to-night?"</p>
+
+<p>"Will&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop, all of a
+sudden.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, of course," said Susan, "it did n't
+hurt either loaf a mite. I'd be as much
+of a fool as Jerusha Dodd if I let a little
+thing like a bat spoil a whole bakin' of
+bread for me, Mrs. Lathrop. As for Elijah,
+he did n't know nothin' about it an'
+I sha'n't tell him, you may be sure, for he's
+the one as eats all the bread&mdash;I never
+touch it myself, as you well know."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE EDITOR'S ADVICE COLUMN</p>
+
+
+<p>"I'm a good deal worried over Elijah,"
+Miss Clegg said to Mrs. Lathrop, one
+day when the new paper was about three
+weeks old, and when the town had begun
+to take both it and its editor with reasonable
+calm; "he does have so many ideas.
+Some of his ideas are all right as far as I
+can see, but he has 'em so thick an' fast
+that it worries me more'n a little. It
+ain't natural to have new ideas all the time
+an' no one in this community ever does it.
+He's forever tellin' me of some new way
+he's thought of for branchin' out somewhere
+an' his branches make me more'n
+a little nervous. The old ways is good
+enough for us an' I try to hold him down
+to that idea, but first he wants me to get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span>
+a new kind of flatirons as takes off while
+you heat it, an' next he wants me to fix
+the paper all over new.</p>
+
+<p>"I brought over somethin' as he wrote
+last night to read you, an' show you how
+curious his brains do mix up things. He
+brought it down this mornin' an' read it
+to me, an' I asked him to give it to me to
+read to you. I was goin' to bring it to
+you anyway, but then he said as I could
+too, so it's all right either way. It's some
+of his new ideas an' he said he'd be nothin'
+but glad to have you hear 'em 'cause
+he says the more he lives with me the
+more respect he's got for your hearin'
+an' judgment. He asked me what I
+thought of it first, an' I told him
+frank an' open as I did n't know what
+under the sun to think of it. I meant
+that, too, for I certainly never heard
+nothin' like it in my life afore, so he
+said we could both read it to-day an' I
+could tell him what we thought to-night,
+when he come home.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Wh&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with real
+interest.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, seems he's been thinkin' as it's
+time to begin to show us how up-to-date
+he looks on life, he says, an' as a consequence
+he's openin' up what he calls the
+field of the future. He says he's goin' to
+have a editorial this week on beginnin'
+from now on to make every issue of the
+<i>Megaphone</i> just twice as good as the one
+afore. I told him if he really meant what
+he said it could n't possibly be worth no
+dollar a year now, but he said wait an' see
+an' time would tell an' virtue be her own
+reward. He says he's goin' to make arrangements
+with a woman in the city for
+a beauty column, an' arrangements with
+some other woman as is a practical preserver,
+an' have a piece each time on how
+to be your own dressmaker once you get
+cut out; I thought that these things was
+about enough for one paper, but oh my! he
+went on with a string more, as long as
+your arm. He's goin' to begin to have a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+advice column too, right off, an' that's this
+I've brought over to read you; he says
+lots of folks want advice an' don't want
+to tell no one nor pay nothin' an' they can
+all write him an' get their answers on anythin'
+in the wide world when the paper
+comes out Saturday. I could n't but open
+my eyes a little at that, for I know a many
+as need advice as I should n't consider
+Elijah knew enough to give, but Elijah's
+a man an' in consequence don't know anythin'
+about how little he does know, so I
+did n't say nothin' more on that subject.
+He's full of hope an' says he's soon goin'
+to show big city papers what genius can
+do single-handed with a second-hand
+printin' press, an' he talked an' talked till
+I really had to tell him that if he did n't
+want his breakfast he'd have to go back
+to bed or else down town."</p>
+
+<p>"Is the&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, this is it. He done it last night
+an' he give it to me this mornin' to read to
+you. It's to be called 'The Advice Column'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>
+an' he's goin' to head it 'Come to My
+Bosom' an' sign it 'Aunt Abby' 'cause of
+course if he signed it himself he'd be liable
+for breach of promise from any girl as read
+the headin' an' chose to think he meant
+her."</p>
+
+<p>"But who&mdash;?" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, nobody the first week, of course.
+He had to make 'em up himself&mdash;an' the
+answers too, an' that's what makes it all
+seem so silly to me. But he did work
+over it,&mdash;he says no one knows the work
+of gettin' people stirred up to enthusiasm
+in a small town like this, an' he says he'd
+ought to have a martyr's crown of thorns,
+he thinks, for even thinkin' of gettin' a
+advice column started when most of his
+energies is still got to go tryin' to get our
+fund for the famine big enough to make it
+pay to register the letter when the cheque
+goes. He says the trouble with the fund
+is no one has no relations there an' a good
+many thought as it was mostly Chinamen
+as is starvin' anyhow. Elijah says the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>
+world is most dreadful hard-hearted about
+Chinamen&mdash;they don't seem to consider
+them as of any use a <i>tall</i>. He says it's
+mighty hard to get up a interest in anythin'
+here anyhow, Lord knows&mdash;for he
+says that San Francisco fund an' what
+become of it has certainly been a pill an'
+no mistake. The nearest he come to that
+was gettin' a letter as Ph&oelig;be White wrote
+the deacon about how the government
+relief train run right through the town
+she's in, but Elijah says after all his efforts
+he has n't swelled the famine fund thirty-five
+cents this week. He says Clightville
+has give nine dollars an' Meadville has
+give fifteen dollars an' two barrels an' a
+mattress, if anybody wants it C. O. D., an'
+here we are stuck hard at six dollars an' a
+quarter an' two pennies as the minister's
+twins brought just after they choked on
+them licorish marbles."</p>
+
+<p>"Did&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I did n't. I tell you what, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I keep a learnin'; in regard to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>
+givin' to funds I've learned a very good
+trick from Rockefeller an' Carnegie in the
+papers; they come to me about that San
+Francisco one an' I said right out frank an'
+open that if the town would give five hundred
+dollars I'd give fifty. That shut up
+every one's mouth an' set every one to
+thinkin' how much I was willin' to give an'
+as a matter of fact I did n't give nothin' a
+<i>tall</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"But about&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Susan, opening the paper
+which she had in her hand, "I was just
+thinkin' of it, too. I'll read it to you
+right off now an' you see if you don't think
+about as I do. I think myself as Elijah's
+made some pretty close cuts at people, only
+of course every one will guess as he must
+of made 'em up 'cause they don't really
+fit to no one. Still, it's a risky business an'
+I wish he'd let it alone for he lives in my
+house an' I know lots of folks as is mean
+enough to say that these things was like
+enough said to him by me&mdash;a view as is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>
+far from likely to make my friends any
+more friendly."</p>
+
+<p>"Do&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I'm goin' to." Then Miss Clegg
+drew a long breath and re-began thus:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, the first is, 'How can you
+put pickles up so they'll keep the year
+'round?'" She paused there and looked
+expectantly at the placid Mrs. Lathrop
+as if she was asking a riddle or conducting
+an examination for the benefit of her
+friend. Mrs. Lathrop, however, had turned
+and was looking the other way so it was
+only when the length of the pause brought
+her to herself with a violent start, that she
+answered:</p>
+
+<p>"My heavens ali&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The answer is," said Susan promptly,
+"'Put 'em up so high that nobody can
+reach them.'"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't&mdash;" she protested.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I did n't think as it was very
+sensible myself," responded Susan, "but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>
+do you know, Elijah laughed out loud over
+it. That's what's funny about Elijah to
+my order of thinkin'&mdash;he's so amused at
+himself. He thinks that's one of the best
+things he's done as a editor, he says, an'
+I'm sure I can't see nothin' funny in it
+any more than you can. An' you don't see
+nothin' funny in it, do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Nor me neither," said Susan, "an' now
+the next one is sillier yet, to my order of
+thinkin'. It's a letter an' begins, 'Dear
+Aunt Abby;' then it says, 'Do you think
+it is possible to be happy with a young
+man with freckles? My husband says Yes,
+but my mother says No. He's my husband's
+son by his first wife. I have twins
+myself. I want the boy sent to a home
+of some sort. What do you think? Yours
+affectionately&mdash;Ada.'"</p>
+
+<p>"What under the&mdash;" ejaculated Mrs.
+Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Just what I said," said Susan. "I
+could n't make head or tail out of it myself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span>
+an' I'm afraid it'll make Deacon White
+mad 'cause Polly's his second wife&mdash;yes,
+an' the minister's got two wives, too. I
+tried to make Elijah see that but he just
+said to read the answer."</p>
+
+<p>"What is&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, the answer's just as dumbfounderin'
+as the question, I think. The answer
+says, 'Hang on to the boy. If you get
+the twin habit he'll prove invaluable.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop, disgustedly.</p>
+
+<p>"I told Elijah that myself. I said that
+the minister was bound to feel hurt over
+the second wife part, but with twins in
+the answer he's sure to feel it means him
+an' I expect he'll maybe stop takin' the
+paper an' join Mrs. Macy's club. Mrs.
+Macy got real mad at somethin' Mr. Kimball
+sold her last week an' as a consequence
+she went an' made what she calls her
+Newspaper Club, she rents her paper for
+a cent a day now an' she made four cents
+last week. She says if Elijah Doxey ever<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>
+says anythin' in the paper about her again
+she'll take three papers an' rent 'em at
+two mills a day an' supply the whole town
+an' wreck him so flat he'll have to hire
+out to pick hops. I told Elijah what she
+said an' he said for the Lord's sake to tell
+Mrs. Macy as her toes was hereafter perfectly
+safe from all his treads. I told her,
+but she says he need n't think quotin'
+from poets is goin' to inspire faith in him
+in her very soon again. She says over in
+Meadville it's town talk as Elijah Doxey is
+havin' just a box of monkeys' fun with us."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't, for I asked him an' he
+crossed his heart to the contrary. But
+really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read
+the rest of this for I've got to be gettin'
+home to get supper."</p>
+
+<p>"Go&mdash;" said the neighbor.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I won't till I've done. The next
+one is this one an' it says, 'How long ought
+any one to wait to get married? I have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>
+waited several years an' there is nothin'
+against the man except he's eighty-two
+an' paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an'
+Ma oppose the match an' are the oldest
+couple in the country,' an' Elijah has
+signed it 'Lovin'ly, Rosy'&mdash;of all the
+silly things!"</p>
+
+<p>"He must be&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I should think so," said Susan; "why,
+he was rollin' all over the sofa laughin'
+over that. The answer is, 'I would wait
+a little longer&mdash;you can lose nothin' by
+patience.' I call that pretty silly, too."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, indeed," said Susan, folding up the
+paper, "I felt it an' I said it, an' I knew
+you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I
+must say as I don't like his Advice
+Column, an' I'd never be one to advise
+no one to write to it for advice. His answers
+don't seem to tell you nothin', to
+my order of thinkin', an' that one about
+the pickles struck me just like a slap in
+my face."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I'd never&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Nor me neither. If I want to know I
+come to you."</p>
+
+<p>"And I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly.</p>
+
+<p>"I know you would," said her friend,
+"whatever faults you've got, Mrs. Lathrop,
+I'd always feel that about you."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII</h2>
+
+<p class="center">MRS. MACY AND THE CONVENTION</p>
+
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop was out in the garden,
+pottering around in an aimless
+sort of way which she herself designated
+as "looking after things," but which her
+friend and neighbor called "wastin' time
+an' strength on nothin'." Whenever Miss
+Clegg perceived Mrs. Lathrop thus engaged
+she always interrupted her occupation as
+speedily as possible. On the occasion of
+which I write, she emerged from her own
+kitchen door at once, and called:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mrs. Lathrop, come here, I've got
+a surprise for you."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop forthwith ceased to gaze
+fondly and absent-mindedly over her half-acre
+of domain, and advanced to the fence.
+Miss Clegg also advanced to the fence, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>
+upon its opposite sides the following conversation
+took place.</p>
+
+<p>"I went to see Mrs. Macy yesterday
+afternoon," Miss Clegg began, "an' I saw
+her an' that's what the surprise come
+from."</p>
+
+<p>"She isn't&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop anxiously.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, she's all right&mdash;that is, she's
+pretty nearly all right, but I may remark
+as the sight an' hearin' of her this day is
+a everlastin' lesson on lettin' women be
+women an' allowin' men to keep on bein'
+men for some years to come yet. Mrs.
+Macy says for her part she's felt that way
+all along but every one said it was her duty
+an' she says she always makes a point of
+doin' her duty, an' this time it was goin'
+to give her a free trip to town, too, so the
+hand of Providence seemed to her to be
+even more'n unusually plainly stuck out
+at her."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said Mrs. Lathrop&mdash;"you
+mean&mdash;"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Of course I do," said Susan, "but wait
+till I tell you how it come out. It's come
+out now, an' all different from how you
+know."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you wait an' listen," said the
+friend,&mdash;"you wait an' listen an' then
+you'll know, too."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop, submissively.</p>
+
+<p>"She says," Miss Clegg went on, "that
+we all know (an' that's true, too, 'cause I
+told you that before) as she was never
+much took with the idea even in the first
+of it. She says as she thinks as Elijah's
+ideas is gettin' most too progressive an'
+if he ain't checked we'll very soon find
+ourselves bein' run over by some of his
+ideas instead of pushed forward. She says
+woman's clubs is very nice things an' Mrs.
+Lupey takes a deal of pleasure with the
+one in Meadville (whenever they don't
+meet at her house)&mdash;but Mrs. Macy says
+our sewin' society ain't no club an' never
+was no club, an' she considers as it was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>
+overdrawin' on Elijah's part to start the
+question of its sendin' a delegate to any
+federation of any kind of woman's clubs.
+She says she can't see&mdash;an' she said at
+the meetin' as elected her, that she
+couldn't see&mdash;what our sewin' society
+could possibly get out of any convention,
+for you can buy all the patterns by mail
+now just as well as if you have 'em all to
+look over. An' then she says, too, as no
+one on the face of kingdom come could
+ever be crazy enough to suppose as any
+convention could ever get anythin' out of
+our delegates, so what was the use of us
+an' them ever tryin' to get together a <i>tall</i>.
+I thought she was very sensible yesterday,
+an' I thought she was very sensible at the
+meetin' as elected her, an' I tried to talk
+to Elijah, but Elijah's so dead set on our
+bein' up to time with every Tom, Dick an'
+Harry as comes along with any kind of a
+new plan, that I can't seem to get him to
+understand as no one in this town wants
+to be up to time&mdash;we're a great deal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>
+better suited takin' our own time like we
+always did until he come among us. Mrs.
+Macy says as we all know as no one
+wanted to be a delegate to the federation
+to begin with, an' you know that yourself,
+Mrs. Lathrop, for I was there an' Elijah's
+idea resulted in the first place in every
+one's stayin' away from that meetin' for
+fear as they'd be asked to go. They had
+to set another day for the sewin' society
+an' even then a good many cleaned house
+instead for a excuse, an' Mrs. Sweet said
+right out as she did n't believe as any of
+us knowed enough to go to a convention
+an' so we'd better all stay home. I had
+to speak up at that an' say as Elijah had
+told me as things was fixed now so folks
+as did n't know anythin' could go to a
+convention just as well as any one else, but
+Mrs. Jilkins said in that case she should
+feel as if she was wastin' her time along
+with a lot of fools, an' what she said made
+such a impression that in the end the only
+one as they could possibly get to go was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span>
+Mrs. Macy, so they elected her. Mrs. Macy
+was n't enthusiastic about bein' elected, a
+<i>tall</i>, but Mrs. Lupey is her cousin an' Mrs.
+Lupey was the Meadville delegate, an' she
+says she thought as they could sit together,
+an' Mrs. Lupey wanted to go to the city
+anyway about reducin' her flesh, an' Mrs.
+Macy said that was sure to be interestin'
+for the one as Mrs. Lupey likes best is the
+one as you run chains of marbles up an'
+down your back alone by yourself, an'
+Mrs. Macy wanted to see them givin' Mrs.
+Lupey full directions for nothin'&mdash;she
+thought it would be so amusin'&mdash;an' so in
+the end she said she'd go.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, she says foreign folks before they
+come to this country is wise compared to
+her! She was tellin' me all about it this
+afternoon. I never hear such a tale&mdash;not
+even from Gran'ma Mullins. She says
+Elijah sent in her name an' they filed her
+next day an' she says they've never quit
+sendin' her the filin's ever since. I told
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>you as I heard in the square she was gettin'
+a good deal of mail but I never mistrusted
+how much until she showed me
+her box for kindlin' fires next winter.
+Why, she says it's beyond all belief! The
+right end of the box has got the papers as
+was n't worth nothin' an' the left end has
+got them as is really valuable. Well, after
+I'd looked at the box we set down an' she
+told me the hide an' hair of the whole
+thing. She says at first she got letters
+from everybody under the sun askin' her
+her opinions an' views, some about things
+as she never heard of before an' others as
+to things as she considers a downright
+insult to consider as she might know about.
+But she says views an' insults don't really
+matter much, after you reach her age, so
+she let those all go into the box together
+an' thought she'd think no more about it.
+She says there was only just one as she
+really minded an' that was the one about
+her switch. Seems she was n't decided
+about even wearin' her switch to the convention,
+for she says it's very hard to get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>
+both ends of a switch fastened in at the
+same do-up an' one end looks about as
+funny as the other, stickin' out, but she
+says you can maybe imagine her feelin's
+when a man as she would n't know from
+Adam wrote her a letter beginnin', 'Hello,
+hello, why don't you have that dyed?' an'
+a picture of him lookin' at a picture of her
+very own switch with a microscope! She
+says she never was so took aback in all her
+life. There was another picture on the
+envelope of the man at a telephone an'
+he'd got all the other delegates' switches
+done an' hangin' up to dry for 'em an' she
+says she will say as the law against sendin'
+such things through the mail had certainly
+ought to be applied to that man
+right then an' there. She says it's years
+since she's got red from anythin' but bein'
+mad, but she was red from both kinds of
+woman's feelin's then an' don't you forget
+it. But laws, she says switches is child's
+play to what another man wrote her about
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>his garters. Not her garters but his garters,
+mind you, Mrs. Lathrop. Would you
+believe that that other man had the face
+to ask her point-blank if, while she was in
+town, she'd be so kind as to give five
+minutes to comin' an' lookin' at his garters!&mdash;at
+<i>his garters</i>! He said they
+hooked onto his shoulders an' he just
+wanted a chance to tell her how comfortable
+they was. Well, she says the idea
+of any man's garters bein' of any interest
+to a widow was surely most new to her,
+an' it was all she could do to keep from
+writin' an' tellin' him so. She says she
+never hear the beat of such impertinence
+in all her life. Why, she says when she
+had a husband she never took no special
+interest in his garters as she recollects.
+She says she remembers as he used to pull
+up when he first got up in the mornin' an'
+then calmly wrinkle down all day, but
+she says if her lawful husband's garters'
+wrinkles did n't interest her, it ain't in
+reason as any other man's not wrinklin' is
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>goin' to. But she says that ain't all whatever
+I may think (or you either, Mrs. Lathrop),
+for although the rest ain't maybe so
+bad, still it's bad enough an' you 'll both
+agree to that when you hear it, I know.
+She says more men wrote her, an' more,
+an' more, an' the things they said was
+about all she could stand, so help her
+Heaven! One asked her if she knowed she
+needed a new carpet an' he happened to
+keep carpets, an' another told her her
+house needed paintin' an' he happened to
+keep paint, an' another just come out flat
+as a flounder an' said if she knowed how
+old her stove was, she'd come straight to
+him the first thing, an' he happened to
+keep stoves. An' she says they need n't
+suppose as she was n't sharp enough to see
+as every last one of them letters was really
+writ to sound unselfish, but with the meanin'
+underneath of maybe gettin' her to
+buy somethin'.</p>
+
+<p>"An' then she says there come a new
+kind as really frightened her by gettin'
+most too intimate on postal cards."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"On postal&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;on postal cards. One wrote as
+she could get her husband back if she'd
+only follow his direction, an' she says the
+last thing she wants is to get her husband
+back, even if he is only just simply dead;
+an' another told her if she'd go through
+his exercises she could get fat or thin just
+as she pleased, an' the exercises was done
+in black without no clothes on around the
+edge of the card, an' Mrs. Macy says when
+Johnny handed her the card at the post
+office she like to of died then an' there.
+Why, she says they was too bad to put in
+a book, even&mdash;they was too bad to even
+send Mrs. Lupey!"</p>
+
+<p>"Wh&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Then on Monday last still another new
+kind begin an' they've been comin' more
+an' more each mail. They was the convention
+itself beginnin' on her. An' she
+says she don't know whether they was a
+improvement or worse to come. One wrote
+an' told her if she was temperance to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>
+report to them the first thing, an' then
+stand shoulder to shoulder from then on
+straight through the whole week. Well,
+Mrs. Macy says she could n't consider goin'
+anywhere an' standin' up through a whole
+week so she wrote 'em she was for the
+Family Entrance, where everybody can sit
+down, an' she feels bad because she's a
+great believer in temperance, but she says
+she can't help it, she's got to have a chair
+anywhere where she's to stay for a week.
+So temperance loses Mrs. Macy. Then
+woman's sufferige did n't wait to ask her
+what she was, but sent her a button an'
+told her to sew it right on right then an'
+there. She says she was feelin' so bad
+over the temperance that she was only too
+glad to be agreeable about the button so
+she done it, but it's hard to button over
+on a'count of bein' a star with the usual
+spikes an' the only place where she needed
+a button was on her placket hole, an' a
+spiked button in the back of your petticoat
+is far from bein' amusin' although she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>
+says she can't but think as it's a very good
+badge for sufferige whenever she steps on
+it in steppin' out of her clothes at night.
+Then next she got a letter askin' her if
+she'd join the grand battalion to rally
+around the flag, an' she says it was right
+then an' there as she begin to fill the
+kindlin' box.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, she says she'd got the box half
+full when to-day she got the final slam in
+her face!</p>
+
+<p>"There came this mornin' her directions
+for goin' an' she says when she see for the
+first time just the whole width of what she
+was let in to she most fell over backward
+then an' there.</p>
+
+<p>"First was a badge with a very good
+safety pin as she can always use; she says
+she did n't mind the badge. Then there
+was paper tellin' her as she was M. 1206
+an' not to let it slip her mind an' to mark
+everythin' she owned with it an' sew it in
+her hat an' umbrella. Then there was a
+map of the city with blue lines an' pink<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>
+squares an' a sun without any sense shinin'
+square in the middle. Then there was a
+paper as she must fill out an' return by the
+next mail if she was meanin' to eat or sleep
+durin' the week. Then there was four
+labels all to be writ with her name an' her
+number an' one was for her trunk if it
+weighed over a hundred pounds, an' one
+was for her trunk if it weighed under a
+hundred pounds, an' one was for her trunk
+if it was a suit case, an' one was for her
+trunk if it was n't.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Macy says you can maybe
+imagine how her head was swimmin' by
+this time an' the more she read how she
+was to be looked out for, the more scared
+she got over what might possibly happen
+to her. She says it was just shock after
+shock. There was a letter offerin' to pray
+with her any time she'd telephone first,
+an' a letter tellin' her not to overpay the
+hack, an' a letter sayin' as it's always darkest
+afore dawn, an' if she'd got any money
+saved up to bring it along with her an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+invest it by the careful advice of him as
+had the letter printed at his own expense.
+Why, she says she didn't know which way
+to turn or what to do next she was that
+mixed up.</p>
+
+<p>"An' then yesterday mornin' come the
+final bang as bu'sted Mrs. Macy! She got
+a letter from a man as said he'd meet her
+in the station an' tattoo her name right on
+her in the ladies' waitin'-room, so as her
+friends could easy find her an' know her
+body at the morgue. Well, she said that
+ended her. She says she never was one
+to take to bein' stuck an' so she just up
+an' wrote to Mrs. Lupey as she would n't
+go for love or money&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Why," cried Mrs. Lathrop, "then she
+isn't&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Susan, "she isn't goin'. She
+ain't got the courage an' it's cruel to force
+her. I told her to give me the ticket an'
+I'd go in her place."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE BIENNIAL</p>
+
+
+<p>On the day that the Convention of
+Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop,
+having seen her friend depart, composed
+herself for a period of unmitigated
+repose which might possibly last, she
+thought, for several days. Susan had
+awakened her very early that morning
+to receive her back door key and minute
+instructions regarding Elijah and the
+chickens. Elijah had undertaken to look
+after the chickens, but Miss Clegg stated
+frankly that she should feel better during
+her absence if her friend kept a sharp eye
+on him during the process. "Elijah's got
+a good heart," said the delegate, "but that
+don't alter his bein' a man an' as a consequence
+very poor to depend upon as to all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>
+things about the house. I don't say as
+I lay it up against him for if he was like
+Deacon White, an' had ideas of his own
+as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'd
+drive me mad in no time, but still I shall
+take it as a personal favor of you, Mrs.
+Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you
+see him if he's remembered all I told him,
+an' <i>don't</i> let him forget the hen as is thinkin'
+some of settin' in the wood shed, for if
+she does it, she'll need food just as much
+as if she does n't do it."</p>
+
+<p>Then Miss Clegg departed, with her
+valise, her bonnet in a box, and some
+lunch in another box. She went early, for
+the simple reason that the train did the
+same thing, and as soon as she was gone
+Mrs. Lathrop, as I before remarked, went
+straight back to bed and to sleep again.
+She had a feeling that for a while at least
+no demand upon her energies could possibly
+be made, and it was therefore quite a
+shock to her when some hours later she
+heard a vigorous pounding on her back door.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of
+a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop was some
+minutes in getting to the door, and when
+she got there, was some seconds in fumbling
+at the lock with her dream-benumbed
+fingers; but in the end she got it open, and
+then was freshly paralyzed by the sight of
+her friend, standing without, with her
+valise, her bonnet-box, her lunch in the
+other box, and the general appearance of
+a weary soldier who has fought but not
+exactly won.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Susan, I thought you&mdash;" began
+Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyes both
+popping widely open.</p>
+
+<p>"I did, an' I've got through an' I've
+come home." Miss Clegg advanced into
+the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited
+her belongings upon the table and
+herself upon a chair. "I've been to the
+convention," she said; then, "I've been to
+the convention, an' I've got through with
+that, too, an' I've got home from that,
+too."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing
+into a more advanced stage of perplexity,
+as she came more fully to herself,
+noted more fully her friend's exceedingly
+battered appearance, and folding what she
+had slipped on well about her, sought her
+rocker.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know, I'm sure," said Susan,
+"it beats me what anybody else does it
+for, either. But you must n't ask me questions,
+Mrs. Lathrop, partly because I'm too
+tired to answer them, an' partly because
+I've come over to tell you anyhow an' I
+can always talk faster when you don't try
+to talk at the same time."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about
+of her overgarment, and prepared to hold
+her tongue more tightly than ever.</p>
+
+<p>"In the first place," said Susan, speaking
+in the highly uplifted key which we
+are all apt to adopt under the stress of
+great excitement mixed with great fatigue;
+"in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know
+as Mrs. Macy insisted on keepin' the badge<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>
+'cause she said she wanted to work it into
+that pillow she's makin', so I had to get
+along with the card as had her number on
+it. As a consequence I naturally had a
+very hard time, for I could n't find Mrs.
+Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe
+from the start clear through to the finish.
+I can tell you I've had a hard day an' no
+one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to
+me never again. I'm too full of Women's
+Wrongs for my own comfort from now on,
+an' the way I've been treated this day
+makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem
+before I'd ever be a delegate to nothin'
+run by women again.</p>
+
+<p>"In the first place when I got to the
+train it was full an' while I was packin'
+myself into the two little angles left by a
+very fat man, a woman come through an'
+stuck a little flag in my bonnet without
+my ever noticin' what she done an' that
+little flag pretty near did me up right in
+the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin'
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>to a Woman's Convention makes you everybody's
+business but your own from the
+beginnin', an' that little flag as that woman
+stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one
+as I was a delegate.</p>
+
+<p>"I set with a very nice lady as asked
+me as soon as she see the little flag if I
+knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption
+from one as has n't. I told her I
+did n't an' she talked about that till we
+got to town, which made the journey far
+from interestin' an' is goin' to make it
+very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of
+my life. Then we got out an' I got rid of
+her, but that did n't help me much, for
+I got two others as see the little flag right
+off an' they never got off nor let up on me.
+I was took to a table as they had settin'
+in the station handy, put in their own
+private census an' then give two books an'
+a map an' seven programs an' a newspaper
+an' a rose, all to carry along with my own
+things, an' then a little woman with a little
+black bag as had noticed the little flag too
+took me away, an' said I need n't bother<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>
+about a thing for I could go with her an'
+welcome.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 438px;"><a name="gs02" id="gs02"></a>
+<img src="images/gs02.jpg" width="438" height="724" alt="&quot;&#39;A lady come up, looked at my flag, an&#39; asked me if I was a
+delegate or an alternative.&#39;&quot; Page 119" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;&#39;A lady come up, looked at my flag, an&#39; asked me if I was a
+delegate or an alternative.&#39;&quot; Page <a href="#Page_119">119</a></span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"I did n't want to go with her, welcome
+or not, but they all seemed pleased with
+the arrangement, so I went with her, an'
+I was more'n a little mad for every time
+I dropped the rose or a program, tryin' to
+get rid of them, she'd see it an' pick it up
+an' give it back to me. We walked a little
+ways in that pleasant way an' then she
+asked me how I was raisin' my children,
+an' I said I did n't have none. She said,
+'Oh my, what would Mr. Roosevelt say
+to that?' and I said it was n't his affair
+nor no other man's. I may in confidence
+remark as by this time I was gettin' a little
+warm, Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"We come to the convention hall after
+a good long walk an' I was quite hot two
+ways by that time, for I was mad an'
+awful tired too. The little woman left me
+then an' a lady come up, looked at my
+flag, an' asked me if I was a delegate or
+an alternative 'cause it was important to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>
+know right off in the beginnin'. I told her
+I was for Mrs. Macy an' she got out a book
+an' looked in it very carefully to see for
+sure whether to believe me or not an' then
+she told me to go on in. There was a door
+as squeaked an' they pushed me through it
+an' I found myself, bag, flag an' all, in the
+convention.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never see the
+beat of that place in all my life. They'd
+done what they could to make it cheerful
+an' homelike by paintin' it green at one
+end but it was plain to be seen as the paint
+soon give out an' towards the top the man
+as was paintin' must of give out too, for
+he just finished up by doing a few circles
+here an' there an' then left it mainly plain.
+Below was all chairs an' they'd started to
+decorate with banners but they'd given
+out on banners even quicker than on paint
+an' the most of the hall was most simple.</p>
+
+<p>"I walked up as far towards the front as
+I could an' then I sat down. I can't say as
+I was very comfortable nor much impressed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>
+an' the folks further back was very restless
+an' kept sayin' they could n't hear what
+was goin' on on the platform. There was
+a lady on the platform hammerin' a table
+for dear life an' to my order of thinkin' anybody
+must have been deaf as could n't have
+heard her hammerin', but she looked happy
+an' that was maybe the main thing, for a
+woman behind me whispered as the spirit
+of her with the hammer just filled the room.
+Well, I stood it as long as I could an' then
+I got up an' remarked frank an' open as if
+every one would keep still every one could
+easy hear. They all clapped at that, but
+the lady with the hammer could n't seem
+to even hear me an' hammered worse than
+ever all the while they was clappin'.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to make a long
+story short it was n't very interestin'&mdash;I
+will even in confidence remark as I found
+it pretty dull. I read all my seven programs
+an' made out as the first day was
+give to greetin' an' the next to meetin'.
+The next was on trees an' the one after that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>
+they was all goin' to drive. An' so on,
+an' so on. Then I smelt my rose some,
+an' a thorn stuck into my nose some an'
+the hammerin' made me very tired an'
+finally a woman come in an' said I had her
+seat so I give it to her with a glad heart
+an' come out, an' I never was happier to
+do anythin' in my whole life before. But
+I was hardly out when a lady as I had n't
+seen yet see my little flag an' pounced on
+me an' said was I Miss Clegg? an' I did n't
+see nothin' to be gained by sayin' I was n't
+so I said Yes, I was.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, that was pretty
+near to bein' the beginnin' of my end.
+That woman hustled me into a carriage,
+give my valise to the driver an' told him
+to be quick. I was too dumb did up by
+her actions to be able to think of anythin'
+to say so I just sit still, an' she pinned a
+purple ribbon onto me an' told me she'd
+read two of my books an' died laughin'
+only to look at me. I was more than
+afraid as she was crazy but she talked so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>
+fast I could n't even see a chance to open
+my mouth so I did n't try.</p>
+
+<p>"She said when they was gettin' ready
+for the convention an' dividin' up celebrities
+among themselves that she just took
+me right off. She said as she was goin'
+to give a lunch for me an' a dinner for me
+an' I don't know what all. She was still
+talkin' when the carriage stopped at a hotel.</p>
+
+<p>"She said I must n't mind a hotel much
+'cause her husband minded company more,
+an' I did n't see any sort of meanin' to her
+remark, but David in the lions' den was a
+roarin' lion himself compared to me that
+minute, so I just walked behind her an'
+she took me in an' up in a elevator an' into
+a room with a bathroom an' a bouquet an'
+there she told me to give her the key of
+the valise an' she'd unpack while I was
+in the bath tub.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm sure I never
+had no idea of needin' a bath that bad when
+I set off for the city to-day, an' you'll maybe
+be surprised at me bein' so wax about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>
+extra washin' in her hands, but I was so
+wild to get away from her an' her steady
+talk by that time, that I give her the key
+an' went into the bathroom an' made up
+my mind as I'd try a bath all over at once
+for the first time in my life, seein' as there
+did n't seem to be nothin' else to do, an'
+the tub was handy.</p>
+
+<p>"So I undressed an' when I was undressed
+I begin to look where I was to leap. Well,
+Mrs. Lathrop, you never see such a tub as
+that tub in all your life before! There
+was a hole in the middle of the bottom an'
+the more water run in the more water run
+out. At first I could n't see how I was
+goin' to manage but after a while I figured
+it out an' see as there was nothin' for me
+to do but to sit on that hole an' paddle like
+I was paid for it with both hands at once to
+keep from being scalded while the tub filled
+from two steady spurts one boilin' an' one of
+ice water. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never felt
+nothin' like that kind of a bath before!</p>
+
+<p>"If I tried to wash anywhere as was at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span>
+all difficult I lost my grip on the hole an'
+the water went out with a swish as made
+Niagara look like a cow's tail afore I could
+possibly get in position again. I was n't
+more 'n halfway down my washin' when
+the awfulest noise begin outside an' the
+convention itself was babes sleepin' in
+soothin' syrup compared to whatever was
+goin' on in that next room.</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you I got out of that tub in a
+hurry an' rubbed off as best I could with
+a very thick towel marked 'Bath' as was
+laid on the floor all ready, an' got into my
+clothes an' went out.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you may believe
+me or not just as you please, but it was
+<i>another</i> lady with <i>another</i> delegate with
+<i>another</i> purple ribbon an' <i>another</i> little flag.
+The ladies was very mad an' the other
+delegate was bitin' her lips an' lookin' out
+the window. In the end the ladies was so
+mad they went down to the telephone an'
+left the delegate an' me alone in the room
+together.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe
+me or not just as you please, but that other
+delegate asked me my name an' when I
+told her she said it was her name, too.
+Then she laughed until she cried an' said
+she never hear anythin' to beat us. She
+said it was all as clear as day to her an'
+that she should write a story about it.
+She said about all she got out of life was
+writin' stories about it an' she never lost
+a chance to make a good one. She said
+she wished I'd stay with her an' I could
+have half the bed an' half of that same tub
+as long as I like.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, the long an' short
+of it was as I felt that no matter how kind
+she was I would n't never be able to be
+happy anywhere where I had to be around
+with a woman who talked all the time, an'
+sleep in a bed with another Susan Clegg, an'
+wash in a tub as you have to stop up with
+some of yourself, so I just took my things
+an' come home by the noon train an' I'll
+stay here one while now, too, I guess."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I was just going to ask you where
+you put it," said Miss Clegg, "I shall need
+it to get in the back door."</p>
+
+<p>"It's&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I can get it myself," said her friend,
+rising. "Well, good-bye. I won't deny as
+I'm mad for my lunch won't be any the
+better for ridin' to town an' back this hot
+day, but the Lord fits the back to the
+burden, so I guess Elijah will be able to
+eat it, leastways if he don't he won't get
+nothin' else,&mdash;I know <i>that</i>, for it was him
+as got up the fine idea of sending a delegate
+from the sewin' society to the convention
+an' I don't thank him none for it, I know
+<i>that</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"You&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly.</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't sure," said Miss Clegg. "Elijah
+strikes me as more thorns than roses this
+night. I never was one to feel a longin'
+for new experiences, an' I've had too many
+to-day, as he'll very soon learn to his sorrow
+when he comes home to-night."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE FAR EASTERN TROPICS</p>
+
+
+<p>"You look&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously,
+one afternoon, when Susan
+Clegg had come around by the gate to
+enjoy a spell of mutual sitting and knitting.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I am," confessed Susan, unrolling
+her ball and drawing a long breath; "I may
+tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I
+really never was more so. What with
+havin' to look after Elijah's washin' an'
+his mendin' an' his cookin' an' his room,
+an' what with holdin' down his new ideas
+an' explainin' to people as he did n't mean
+what it sounds like when I ain't been able
+to hold 'em down, I do get pretty well wore
+out. I can see as Mr. Kimball sees how
+Elijah is wearin' on me for he gives me a
+chair whenever I go in there now an' that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>
+just shows how anxious he is for me to
+rest when I can, but it really ain't altogether
+Elijah's fault for the way my back
+aches to-day, for I got this ache in a way
+as you could n't possibly understand, Mrs.
+Lathrop, for I got it from sittin' up readin'
+a book last night as you or any ordinary
+person would of gone to sleep on the second
+page of an' slept clear through to the
+index; but I was built different from you
+an' ordinary persons, Mrs. Lathrop, an' if
+I'd thanked the Lord as much as I'd
+ought to for that I'd never have had time
+to do nothin' else in <i>this</i> world."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with
+interest.</p>
+
+<p>"It was a book," said her friend, beginning
+to knit assiduously&mdash;"a book as a
+boy he went to school with sent Mr. Fisher
+with a postal card, sayin' as every American
+man 'd ought to read it thoughtfully. Mrs.
+Fisher took it out of the post office an' read
+the postal card, an' she said right off as
+she did n't approve of Mr. Fisher's reading<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>
+books as every man ought to know, so she
+let me have it to bring home an' read till
+she gets through makin' over her carpets.
+I brought the book home done up to look
+like it was a pie, an' I will frankly state,
+Mrs. Lathrop, as you could have dropped
+me dead out of any balloon when I found
+out what it was about. It was n't the kind
+of book the postal card would have led you
+to suppose a <i>tall</i>&mdash;it was about Asia,
+Mrs. Lathrop, the far side or the near side,
+just accordin' to the way you face to get
+the light while you read, an' so far from its
+bein' only intended for men it's all right
+for any one at all to read as has got the
+time. Now that I'm done it an' know
+I have n't never got to do it again, I don't
+mind telling you in confidence that for a
+book as could n't possibly have been meant
+to be interestin' it was about as agreeable
+readin' as I ever struck in my life. There
+was lots in it as was new to me, for it's a
+thick book, an' all I knowed about that part
+of the world before was as Java coffee comes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>
+from Java an' the Philippines from Spain.
+But I know it all now, an' Judge Fitch
+himself can't tell me nothin' from this day
+on that the man who wrote that book
+ain't told me first. I'll bet I know more
+about what that book 's about than any one
+in this community does, an' now that I
+know it I see why the man said what he
+did on the postal card for it <i>is</i> a book as
+every man ought to read, an' I read in the
+paper the other day as the main trouble
+with the men in America was as they
+knowed all about what they did n't know
+nothin' about, an' did n't know nothin'
+a <i>tall</i> about the rest."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"But I don't see how the man that wrote
+it is ever goin' to make any money out of
+it," pursued her friend, "for it's pretty
+plain as it's every bit written about things
+that Americans don't want to really learn
+an' what the rest of the world learned long
+ago. If I was very patriotic I don't believe
+I'd have read it clear through to the end<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>
+myself, but I ain't never felt any call to be
+patriotic since the boys throwed that firecracker
+into my henhouse last Fourth of
+July. I will say this for the hen, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' that is that she took the firecracker
+a good deal calmer'n I could, for
+I was awful mad, an' any one as seed me
+ought to of felt what a good American was
+spoiled then an' there, for all I asked was
+to hit somethin', whether it was him as
+throwed the cracker or not an' that's what
+Judge Fitch always calls the real American
+spirit when he makes them band-stand
+speeches of his in the square. Oh my,
+though, but I wish you had n't reminded
+me of that hen, Mrs. Lathrop, her tail never
+will come in straight again I don't believe,
+an' she's forever hoppin' off her eggs to
+look out of the window since she had that
+scare."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked very
+sympathetic.</p>
+
+<p>"But about this book," Susan went on
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>after a second of slightly saddened reflection.
+"I'm goin' to tell you all about it.
+Elijah 's goin' to write a editorial about it,
+too. Elijah says this business of downtreadin'
+our only colony has got to be
+stopped short right now as soon as he can
+call the government's attention to how to
+do it.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the book begins very mild an'
+pleasant with Hongkong an' it ends with
+the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong
+ain't Chinese for all it's named that an'
+growed there&mdash;it's English&mdash;an' as for
+the Philippines there's eight millions of
+'em, not countin' the wild ones as they
+can't catch to count an' ask questions. In
+between Hongkong an' the Philippines the
+man who wrote the book runs around that
+part of the world pretty lively an' tells who
+owns it an' what kind of roads they've got
+an' who'd better govern 'em an' all like
+that. You might think from hearin' me as
+he sort of put on airs over knowin' so much
+himself, but it don't sound that way a <i>tall</i>
+in the book. It's when he finally got to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>
+the Philippines as any one can see as he
+really did begin to enjoy himself. He
+enjoyed himself so much that he really
+made me enjoy myself, too, although I
+can't in reason deny as I felt as I might not
+of been quite so happy only for that firecracker.
+The kind of things he says about
+our doin's in those countries is all what you
+don't get in the papers nor no other way,
+an' if the United States really feels they're
+in the right as to how they're actin' all
+they need to do is to read how wrong they
+are in that book where a man as really knows
+what he's talkin' about has got it all set
+down in black an' white. I don't believe
+it's generally knowed here in America as
+Dewey took Aguinaldo an' his guns over
+to Manila an' give him his first start at
+fightin' an' called him 'general' for a long
+time after they'd decided in Washington
+as how he was n't nothin' but a rebel after
+all. I never knowed anythin' about that,
+an' I will remark as I think there's many
+others as don't know it, neither, an' I may<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>
+in confidence remark to you, Mrs. Lathrop,
+as that book leads me to think as the main
+trouble with the Philippines is as they are
+bein' run by folks as don't know anythin'
+about the place they're runnin' an' don't
+know nothin' about runnin' for anythin'
+but places. The man in the book says the
+Philippines ain't very well off being pacified,
+an' that the Americans ain't no great
+success pacifyin' 'em, for it seems as they
+made five thousand expeditions after 'em
+in one year, an' only got hold of five
+thousand natives in all. That's a expedition
+to a man, an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop,
+as it's small wonder we're taxed an' they're
+taxed, with some of our new fellow citizens
+as hard to grab as that. To my order of
+thinkin' it'd be wisest to let 'em chase
+each other for ten or twenty years first an'
+then when they was pretty well thinned
+out we could step in an' settle with the
+survivors; but accordin' to the man who
+wrote the book you can't never tell a
+American nothin', an' I must say that my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>
+own experience in this community has
+proved as he knows what he's sayin' all
+straight enough. He says the Philippines
+is in a very bad way, an' so is their roads,
+but he says that all the folks in this country
+is so dead satisfied with their way an' poor
+roads that they ain't goin' to do nothin'
+to help either along any."</p>
+
+<p>"Did&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"He says," continued Susan, "that the
+United States is just so happy sittin' back
+an' observin' the Philippines, an' the Philippines
+is so far off that if they die of
+starvation while being observed no one'll
+ever be the wiser. He says the United
+States is payin' for the army, an' the
+Philippines is tryin' to live with it, an'
+seein' as they don't work much an' the
+Chinese is forbidden to work for 'em, he
+don't see no help nowhere. What he said
+about the Chinese was very interestin',
+for I never see one close to, an' it seems
+they're a clean race only for likin' to raise
+pigs in their garrets. It seems, too, as if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>
+you let 'em into any country they'll work
+very hard an' live very cheap an' pay most
+of the taxes with the duty on opium as
+they've got to eat, an' games as they've
+got to play."</p>
+
+<p>"I sh'd think&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop,
+looking startled.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I should, too," said Susan, "but
+accordin' to the book the Philippines ain't
+to be allowed any such luxury as havin'
+the Chinese to develop their country an'
+pay their taxes. No sir, they've all got
+to go to school an' learn English first, an'
+although he says right out plain that the
+Philippines needs Chinese an' good roads
+a deal worse 'n they need the army an' the
+schools, still it's the army an' the schools
+as America is going to give them, an' they
+can get along without the roads an' the
+Chinese as best they can. They certainly
+must be gettin' a good deal of schoolin',
+but the man says all the teachers teach is
+English, an' as none of the children can
+speak English they don't get much learned.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>
+I thought I could sort of see that he thought
+we 'd ought to of straightened out the South
+of our own country afore we begun on any
+other part of the world, an' it <i>is</i> the other
+half of the world, too, Mrs. Lathrop, for I
+looked it up on a map an' it begins right
+under Japan an' then twists off in a direction
+as makes you wonder how under the
+sun we come to own it anyway, an' if we
+did accidentally get it hooked on to us by
+Dewey's having too much steam up to be
+able to stop himself afore he'd run over
+the other fleet, we'd ought anyway to be
+willin' to give it away like you do the
+kittens you ain't got time to drown. The
+whole back of the book is full of figures to
+prove as it's the truth as has been told in
+front, but the man who wrote it didn't
+think much of even the figures in the
+Philippines for he says they put down some
+of what they spend in Mexican money an'
+some in American an' don't tell what they
+spend the most of it for in either case. He
+says he met some very nice men there an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span>
+they was workin' the best they knew how
+but they did n't think things were goin'
+well themselves an' it's plain to be seen
+that he spoke of 'em just like you give a
+child a cooky after a spankin'. What
+interested me most was there's a Malay
+country over there as the English began
+on twenty-five years ago an' have got
+railroaded an' telegraphed an' altogether
+civilized now, an' we've had the Philippines
+ten years an' ain't even got the live ones
+quieted down yet."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop,
+earnestly.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said her friend, "I ain't never had
+no ideas on the Philippine question since
+Judge Fitch got his brother made a captain
+in the war just because he was tired supportin'
+him. Mr. Kimball said then as
+all wars was just got up to use up the
+folks as respectable people did n't want to
+have around no longer an' I must say as
+I believe him. Mr. Weskin told me as it's
+been quietly knowed around for hundreds<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>
+of years as the crusades was a great success
+as far as gettin' 'em off was concerned just
+for that very reason, an' I guess we're
+hangin' on to the Philippines because it's
+a place a good long ways off to send poor
+relations after good salaries. The man who
+wrote the book said a man did n't need
+to know hardly anythin' to go there an'
+I must say from what I see of the few who
+have come back they don't look like they
+spent much spare time studyin' up while
+they was in the country."</p>
+
+<p>Susan stopped knitting suddenly and
+stuck her needles into the ball.</p>
+
+<p>"I've got to go home," she said. "I've
+just remembered as I forgot to fill the tea-kettle.
+Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we've had a
+nice talk about our foreign possessions an'
+all I can say in the end is as that whole
+book made me feel just like we'd all ought
+to get to feel as quick as we can. Lots of
+things in this world might be better only
+the people that could change 'em don't
+often feel inclined that way, an' the people<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span>
+who'd like to have a change ain't the ones as
+have got any say. If I was a Philippine I'd
+want a Chinaman to do my work an' I'd
+feel pretty mad that folks as had so many
+niggers an' Italians that they did n't need
+Chinamen should say I could n't have 'em
+neither. I'd feel as if I knowed what was
+best for me an' I would n't thank a lot of
+men in another part of the world for sittin'
+down on my ideas. However, there's one
+thing that comforted me very much in the
+book. All the countries around <i>is</i> run, an'
+pretty well run too, by other countries an'
+if the Philippines get too awful tired of
+being badly run by us all those of 'em as
+know anythin' can easy paddle across to
+some of them well run countries in the front
+half of the book to live, an' as for the
+rest&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was
+sound asleep!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE EVILS OF DELAYED DECEASE</p>
+
+
+<p>"I ain't been doin' my duty by Mrs.
+Macy lately," said Susan Clegg to
+Mrs. Lathrop; "I declare to goodness I've
+been so did up with the garden an' Elijah
+an' house cleanin' this last two weeks that
+I don't believe I've even thought of the
+other side of the crick since I begun. I
+ain't seen Mrs. Macy either an' maybe
+that's one reason why I ain't done nothin'
+about her, but it ain't surprisin' as I ain't
+seen her for she ain't been here&mdash;she's
+been over in Meadville stayin' with the
+Lupeys, an' I must say I'm right put out
+with Elijah for not puttin' it in the paper
+so I'd of knowed it afore. The idea of
+Mrs. Macy bein' in Meadville for over a
+week an' me not hearin' of it is a thing as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>
+makes me feel as maybe when Gabriel
+blows his horn I'll just merely sit up an'
+say, 'Did you call?' But anyway she's been
+away an' she's got back, an' when I heard
+it in the square to-day I did n't mince up
+no matters none but I just set my legs in
+her direction an' walked out there as fast
+as I could. It does beat all how many
+changes can come about in two weeks!&mdash;four
+more pickets has been knocked off
+the minister's fence an' most every one has
+hatched out their chickens since I was
+that way last, but I was n't out picketin'
+or chickenin'; I was out after Mrs. Macy
+an' I just kept a-goin' till I got to her."</p>
+
+<p>"Was she&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, she was," replied Susan, "an' thank
+the most kind an' merciful Heavens, there
+was n't no one else there, so she an' I
+could just sit down together, an' it was n't
+nothin' but joy for her to tell me hide an'
+hair an' inside out of her whole visit. She
+got back day before yesterday an' she
+had n't even unpacked her trunk yet she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span>
+was that wore out; you can judge from
+that how wore out she really is, for you
+know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as when
+Mrs. Macy is too wore out to dive head
+over heels into things, whether her own or
+other folks', she's been pretty well beat
+down to the ground. She was mighty
+glad to see me, though, even if she did n't
+come to the door, but only hollered from
+a chair, an' I don't know as I ever had a
+nicer call on her, for she went over everythin'
+inside out an' hind side before, an'
+it was nothin' but a joy for me to listen,
+for it seems she had a pretty sad visit first
+an' last what with being specially invited
+to sit up an' watch nights with Mrs. Kitts
+an' then stay to the funeral&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Funeral!" cried Mrs. Lathrop,&mdash;"I
+nev&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"For after bein' specially invited to help
+lay her out an' go to the funeral," Susan repeated
+calmly, "Mrs. Kitts did n't die a <i>tall</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" said Mrs. Lathrop, terminating the
+whole of a remark, for once.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"No," said Susan, "an' every one else
+feels the same as you do about it, too, but
+it seems as it was n't to be this time. Mrs.
+Macy says as she never went through
+nothin' to equal these ten days dead or
+alive, an' she hopes so help her heaven to
+never sit up with anybody as has got anythin'
+but heart disease or the third fit of
+apoplexy hereafter. Why, she says Mr.
+Dill's eleven months with Mrs. Dill flat on
+her back was a child playin' with a cat an'
+a string in comparison to what the Lupeys
+an' her have been goin' through with Mrs.
+Kitts these ten days. She says all Meadville
+is witness to the way she's skinned
+'em down to the bone. Mrs. Dill was give
+up by a doctor like a Christian, an' after
+the eleven months she <i>did</i> die, but Mrs.
+Kitts has been give up over an' over by
+doctor after doctor till there ain't one in
+the whole place as ain't mad at her about
+it; an' there she is livin' yet! Mrs. Macy
+says Mrs. Lupey is so wore out she can't
+talk of nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey feels very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>
+bitter over it; she says it's all of six years
+now since they turned the X-rays through
+her (an' Mrs. Macy says as Mrs. Lupey says
+she could sit right down an' cry to think
+how much them X-rays cost an' how little
+good they done), an' she says it's three
+years come April Fool's since old Dr. Carter
+tried her lungs with his new kinetoscope
+an' found 'em full of air an' nothin' else.
+Mrs. Lupey says she's always had so much
+faith in old Dr. Carter an' she had faith in
+him then, an' was so sweet an' trustin'
+when he come with the machine, an' after
+he was done she fully believed his word
+of honor as to everythin', an' that was
+why they went an' bought her that bell
+an' oh heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I only
+wish you <i>could</i> hear Mrs. Macy on Mrs.
+Kitts' bell! It seems that kind of bell
+is a new invention an' as soon as any one is
+give up for good the doctor as gives 'em
+up sends a postal to the man as keeps 'em,
+an' then the man sends it for three days on
+trial an' then the family buy it, because it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>
+lets 'em all sleep easy. Well, Mrs. Macy
+says it's the quietest lookin' small thing
+you ever see, but she says Great Scott,
+Holy Moses, an' ginger tea, the way it
+works! You only need to put your hand
+on it an' just stir it an' it unhooks inside
+like one of them new patent mouse traps
+as catch you ten times to every once they
+catch a mouse, an' then it begins to ring
+like a fire alarm an' bang like the Fourth of
+July, an' it don't never stop itself again
+until some one as is perfectly healthy comes
+tearin' barefoot from somewhere to turn
+it over an' hook it up an' get Mrs. Kitts
+whatever she wants."</p>
+
+<p>"I should&mdash;" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I guess they would, too," said Susan;
+"I guess they'd be only too glad to. Why,
+Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as it was
+all they could do to live in the house with
+her mother when she did n't have nothin'
+but a stick to pound on the floor with, but
+she says since she's got that bell&mdash;!
+Well! Mrs. Macy says as they're all four<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>
+worn into just frazzles with it, an' Judy is
+got so nervous with it going off sudden
+when Busby an' she is thinkin' about other
+things that she begins twitchin' the minute
+the bell begins ringin' an' they've had to
+hire a electric battery to soothe her with
+while Faith an' Maria is racin' for the bell.
+Mrs. Macy says it's somethin' just awful
+first, last, an' forever, an' Mrs. Lupey told
+her in confidence as it was Heaven's own
+truth as they had n't none of them woke
+of their own accords once since it was
+bought."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Macy says she's a pretty
+good judge of sick folks an' she judged
+Mrs. Kitts for all she was worth, an' she
+could n't feel as she ought in politeness to
+say anythin' 'cause the Lupeys sent her
+the round-trip ticket to go an' come back
+with. But she says just between her an'
+me an' not to let it go any further, that to
+<i>her</i> order of thinkin' (an' she'll take her
+Bible oath to it anywhere) Mrs. Kitts<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>
+looks like one of those oldest survivor kinds
+as they print in the city Sunday papers
+every week. She says she ain't got the
+quiet, give-up manner of a person as is
+really quiet an' really givin' up&mdash;she's
+got the spry air of a person as likes to keep
+the whole family jumpin' quick whenever
+they speak. She says Mrs. Lupey says as
+she really does get awful low just often
+enough to keep their courage up, but Mrs.
+Macy says Mrs. Lupey is easy fooled because
+them's the sort as outlives all their families
+in the end always. But seems as her gettin'
+low an' then raisin' up again ain't the only
+tough part for it seems as she was so low
+last fall that they really felt safe to send
+Maria up to the city to buy their mournin'
+at a bargain sale for there's four of 'em
+an' they want the veils thick so they'll
+look sorry from the outside anyhow. And
+Maria did go, an'&mdash; Well, Mrs. Lathrop,
+I will say as to hear about it all does go
+through one even if it ain't my personal
+crape! Seems as the clerk asked Maria<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span>
+if it was for a deep family mournin' or just
+a light friendly mournin', an' Maria told
+him it was <i>goin'</i> to be for her grandmother.
+Seems he was n't very polite about it,
+coughed a good deal behind his hand an'
+such doin's, until Maria got real vexed an'
+so mad over thinkin' as maybe it was n't
+all coughin' as he was keepin' his hand
+over that she lost her wits an' went to
+work an' bought most twice the crape she
+needed just to show him as she was n't
+tryin' to save nothin' on her grandmother,
+whatever <i>he</i> might think. So now Mrs.
+Macy says, added to Mrs. Kitts an' the
+bell they've got the care of all that crape
+on their hands, an' the damp gathers in
+it just awful on rainy days, an' of course
+no Christian can sun twenty yards of crape
+on their clothesline when the dead person
+ain't died yet, so they're wild over that,
+too. They've made their skirts themselves,
+an' they wanted to do their waists,
+only what with the way sleeves is puffin'
+out an' slimmin' up an' fronts is first<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>
+hangin' over an' then hookin' down, the
+back it just does seem out of the question.
+They've worried a lot over the veils since
+they was bought 'cause they wanted to get
+into 'em last winter so as to get out of 'em
+by last spring, an' then even when Mrs.
+Kitts rallied from her Christmas dinner,
+they thought maybe they could still be
+out of 'em by the Fourth of July; but
+now&mdash;Heavens! Mrs. Macy says they
+don't ask to get out of 'em any more; all
+they ask is to get <i>into</i> 'em, an' goodness
+knows when that is <i>ever</i> goin' to happen.
+She says Mrs. Lupey says what with Judy's
+divorce an' Mrs. Kitts livin' right along
+she's going to get moths into her things
+for the first time in her life, she just knows
+she is. It's a pretty hard case any one
+can see, an' of course seein' Mrs. Kitts live
+like that may get Busby Bell all out of the
+notion of marryin' Judy, for of course no
+man ain't goin' to like to look forward to
+Mrs. Lupey's livin' like that too, maybe&mdash;or
+maybe Judy 'll live herself&mdash;you never<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>
+can tell. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says
+she never guessed as sorrow could come so
+near to breakin' your back as losin' a grandmother
+is breakin' theirs. She says when
+she's really lost it won't be so bad 'cause
+they can all put on their crape veils an' go
+straight to bed an' to sleep, but she says
+this long drawn out losin' of her with that
+bell throwed into the bargain is somethin'
+calculated to make a saint out of a Chinaman,
+an' nothin' more nor less."</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you, they <i>can't</i>," said Susan;
+"they want to bad enough, but they can't
+do it. Mrs. Kitts is too smart for that.
+She keeps her eagle eye on it awake, an'
+her whole hand on the little string when
+she's asleep, an' drums 'em up to know
+if the clock is really right, or if she feels
+anyways disposed to smell of cologne.
+Some nights she rolls on the string in her
+sleep, an' then the bell wakes her along
+with the rest of 'em, which Mrs. Macy says
+is a-doin' more aggravatin' to the Lupeys<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>
+than any words can do justice to. Mrs.
+Macy says as she really does believe that
+if Mrs. Kitts took a fancy to oysters in
+August she'd be fully equal to ringin' that
+bell for 'em till September came an' they
+could get 'em for her. She says it would
+be just like her, she does declare. Mrs.
+Macy says she sit with Mrs. Kitts considerable
+an' Mrs. Kitts was very pleasant to
+her, an' give her two pair of black lace
+mitts an' a pin, but she found out afterwards
+as the mitts was Mrs. Lupey's an'
+the pin was Maria's, so after that she see
+just how the family felt about her an' her
+ways. Mrs. Macy says the whole thing is
+a tragedy right out of Shakespeare an' the
+only pleasant thing about her whole visit
+was as it did n't cost her nothin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Did she&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about that.
+She see him four times. I don't know as
+she wants it generally known, but I wanted
+to know about it so I got it out of her. It
+does beat all, Mrs. Lathrop, how a woman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>
+of Mrs. Macy's sense, with a income that's
+only a little too small to get along on, can
+want to marry any man again. But she
+seems kind of crazy on the idea, an' if it
+ain't Mr. Dill, it's goin' to be Dr. Carter,
+or bu'st, with her. She says she went to
+his office just to let him know she was in
+Meadville, an' then she see him on the
+street, an' then she went to his office again
+to ask him his real opinion of Mrs. Kitts,
+an' then just before she left she went to
+his office again to let him know as she was
+goin' to come back here. So she see him
+four times in all."</p>
+
+<p>"What did&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, he told her as he would n't be surprised
+if any of 'em died any day. That
+is, any of 'em except Mrs. Kitts. He did n't
+seem to think as Mrs. Kitts would ever die."</p>
+
+<p>"What do&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I saw there was nothin' else as
+Mrs. Macy could talk about just now so
+I come home an' then I come over here. I
+declare though, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't help<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>
+bein' a little blue to-night. Of course I
+ain't any real relation to you, but we've
+been neighbors so long that I can't help
+feelin' a little bit uneasy over thinkin' of
+Mrs. Kitts an' wonderin' how long you
+may be goin' to live in the end."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY</p>
+
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Susan
+Clegg one pleasant May evening,
+as she and her devoted listener leaned their
+elbows on the top rail of the fence, "I can't
+but thank Heaven as these boards is the
+only thing as you ever take opposite sides
+from me on. I don't say as your never
+disagreein' ain't sometimes wearin', but
+there <i>are</i> days as I feel I'd enjoy a little
+discussion an' then Elijah an' I discuss on
+those days till it seems like I can't live to
+get to you an' do it all alone by myself.
+Elijah's a very young man but he's a man
+after all an' there's somethin' about a man
+as makes him not able to see any side of
+anythin' except his own side. Now it
+don't make any difference what we talk<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>
+about I <i>always</i> take the other side, an' I
+will in confidence remark as the South
+fightin' Grant had a easy job compared to
+me tryin' to get Elijah to see any side but
+his own. Elijah's a very pig-headed young
+man an' I declare I don't know I'm sure
+what ailed him last night&mdash;seemed as if
+he was up a tree about somethin' as made
+him just wild over the Democratic party.
+I must say&mdash;an' I said it to his face, too&mdash;as
+to my order of thinkin' takin' sides
+about the Democrats nowadays is like
+takin' sides with Pharaoh after the Red
+Sea had swallowed him an' all his chariots
+up forever, but Elijah never gives up to
+no man, an' he said, not so, the Democrats
+was still ready to be the salvation of the
+country if only Bryan would give 'em a
+chance. He says they 've been handicapped
+so far an' it's very tryin' for any party to
+have to choose between a donkey an' a
+tiger for its picture of itself, for no sensible
+person likes to have to ride on either, an'
+no politics could <i>ever</i> make a success of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>
+donkey for a mascot, whether you judge
+him from his ears or his heels. I had it
+in my mind to say somethin' then about
+turnin' around an' takin' a fresh start with
+a fresh animal as a sensible person would
+find it nothin' but a joy to ride, but Elijah,
+like all newspapers, rips a thing up the
+back an' then shows you how you can't
+do better than to sew up the tear an' go on
+wearin' it again, so after he'd skinned the
+donkey an' the tiger both alive, so to speak,
+he went on to say as never's a long game
+an' him laughs best who keeps sober longest
+an' altogether his own feelin' was as
+America 'll soon perceive her only hope
+lays in electin' a new Democratic party.
+I just broke in then an' told him it looked
+to me as if the natural run of mankind
+would n't let Grover Cleveland skip eight
+years an' then try it again more 'n six
+times more, an' that if the Republicans
+keep it up as they have awhile longer no
+money won't be able to get 'em out 'cause
+they'll have all the money there is in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>
+country right in with them, but by that
+time Elijah'd got his breath, an' he just
+shook his head an' asked me if I remembered
+what a lot of fuss the first billion dollar
+congress made an' if I'd observed how
+calm they was took now? I told him I
+had an' then we went at it hammer an'
+tongs, Elijah for the Democrats an' me
+against 'em, although I must say I wished
+he'd give me the other side, for in spite of
+their actin' so silly I must say I always
+have a feelin' as the most of the Democrats
+is tryin' to be honest which is somethin'
+as even their best friend couldn't say of
+the most of the Republicans as a general
+thing."</p>
+
+<p>"Did&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I did, an' I don't know but we'd
+be talkin' yet only Mr. Dill come in on us to
+ask me if I would n't consider takin' Gran'ma
+Mullins to board for a month or two,
+just to see how Hiram an' Lucy would get
+along if they had the house all alone to
+themselves."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I told him I'd think about it,"
+said Miss Clegg. "I don't know I'm sure
+why I should bed an' board Gran'ma
+Mullins to help Lucy an' Hiram to try to
+get along any better. They 're a good deal
+more interestin' to talk about the way
+they're gettin' along now. I never see
+Mrs. Macy but what she has somethin'
+amusin' to tell me about Hiram an' Lucy
+an' Gran'ma Mullins, an' I like to hear it.
+She says the other night they was all three
+runnin' round the house one after another
+for a hour an' she said she most died laughin'
+to watch 'em. Seems Lucy got mad an'
+started to run after Hiram to pull his hair,
+an' Gran'ma Mullins was so scared for fear
+she <i>would</i> pull his hair that she run after
+Lucy to ask her not to do it. Hiram run
+so much faster than Lucy that finally he
+caught up with Gran'ma Mullins an' then
+they all went to bed. Mrs. Macy says
+that's the way they act all the time, an'
+she certainly would n't see any more than<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>
+I should why I should break up the family.
+I'm sure I never cooked up that marriage
+an' I told Mr. Dill so. I asked him why
+he did n't take Gran'ma Mullins to board
+with him, if he was so wild to get her away
+from Lucy, but he said he did n't think it'd
+be proper, an' I said I did n't say nothin'
+about <i>bed</i>&mdash;I just spoke about board,
+an' if there was anythin' as was n't proper
+about boardin' Gran'ma Mullins he'd ought
+not to of mentioned the subject to me."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, there was n't nothin' left for him
+to say then, of course; but law! I did n't
+see no use mooley-cowin' around Mr. Dill;
+what I wanted was for him to go so Elijah
+an' me could go on discussin'. Elijah
+thinks our paper ought to come out strong
+now that we've got one an' he said he would
+in confidence remark to me as he intended
+to say some very pointed things soon. He
+says all the editors in the country know
+as the plans an' the parties is all fixed
+up beforehand nowadays; the Republicans<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>
+say how many they'll have in each state
+an' then they never fail to have 'em an'
+that's a national disgrace for nobody ought
+to know beforehand how a election is goin'
+to pan out for it would n't be possible if
+folks was anyways honest. He says for
+a carefully planned an' worked up thing
+a Republican victory is about the tamest
+surprise as this country ever gets nowadays,
+an' yet we keep on gettin' them an' openin'
+our eyes over 'em every four years like
+they was somethin' new.</p>
+
+<p>"I bu'st in then an' said as there was
+sure to come a change afore long with
+prices goin' up like they is an' a reaction
+bound to drop in the end. Elijah laughed
+then an' said he knowed well enough as
+when the deluge come the Republicans
+would grab the Democrats an' hold 'em just
+like that rich man who grabbed the clerk
+an' held him in front of him, when they
+throwed that bomb at him in his office."</p>
+
+<p>"At the&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop, opening
+her eyes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Yes, the bomb was meant for him, but
+he held the clerk in front of him so the
+clerk caught it all. That's what they call
+presence of mind, an' as far as my observation 's
+extended, Mrs. Lathrop, the Republicans
+have got full as much of it&mdash;they
+must have, for they both make money
+right straight along an' I've observed myself
+as they always step out when a crash
+comes an' let the Democrats in to do the
+economizin' till there's enough money saved
+up to make it worth while for them to take
+hold again which comes to much the same
+thing in the end. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop,
+I see after a little as it was n't no use
+talkin' to Elijah so I just had to listen to
+him an' he really did kind of frighten me
+in the end. Livin' with an editor an'
+readin' that book of Mr. Fisher's has opened
+my eyes to a many new ideas. I've lived
+in a small town all my life but I've got
+brains an' there's no use denyin' as a
+woman with brains can apply 'em to the
+president just as easy as to the minister,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>
+once she gets to thinkin' on the subject.
+This country is in a very bad way an' it's
+all owin' to our bein' satisfied with what's
+told us an' not lookin' into nothin' for
+ourselves. We've got the Philippines now
+an' we've got Hawaii an' we've got the
+niggers an' we've got ever so many other
+things. We've got the Mormons down
+to one wife as a general thing an' the
+Italians comin' in by the thousands an'
+more old soldiers bein' born every year an'
+the fifth generation of Revolutionary orphans
+out filin' their pensions&mdash;an' we
+owe 'em all to the Republicans. Elijah
+says we owe 'em a lot else, too, but I think
+that's enough in all conscience. Elijah
+says too it costs a third more to live than
+it did ten years ago an' he knows that for
+a fact, an' you an' I know that, too, Mrs.
+Lathrop. Coal's gone up an' everythin'
+else. I tell you I got kind of blue, thinkin'
+about it after I went to bed last night an'
+it took me a long time to remember as
+Elijah was maybe more upset over not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span>
+bein' able to go an' see 'Liza Em'ly on
+account of the rain, than anythin' else;
+but then too, Mr. Shores is very much
+cast down over the country, only I must
+admit as it's more 'n likely as he ain't
+really half as mournful over the Democrats
+as he is over his wife; an' then there's
+Judge Fitch as is always mad over politics
+an' we all know that that's just 'cause he's
+always been called 'judge' ever since he
+was born, an' nobody ain't never made
+him judge of nothin' bigger 'n us yet. I
+guess if he was sure as our paper could get
+him elected to congress he'd cheer up
+pretty quick, but he told me yesterday as
+Elijah did n't know how to conduct a
+campaign to his order of thinkin'. He
+don't like that cut of Elijah's being David
+to the city papers bein' Goliath. He says a
+cut to do him any good had ought to have
+him in it somewhere an' I don't know but
+what he's right.</p>
+
+<p>"But, Mrs. Lathrop, we are mighty bad
+off an' that's a fact, but still I will say this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>
+much an' that is that as far as my observation 's
+extended folks as complains openly
+of anythin' is always findin' fault with the
+thing because there's some secret thing as
+they can't find fault openly with, like
+Elijah an' the rain, an' Mr. Shores an' his
+wife. The world's great for takin' its
+private miseries out publicly in some other
+direction, an' my own feelin' is as the
+Democrats is a great comfort to every one
+as the Republicans can't very conveniently
+give nothin' to these days. If the president
+was to suddenly make Sam Duruy a
+minister to somewhere there'd be a great
+change of opinion as to politics in this town,
+you'd see. It would n't give Sam any
+more brains, but every one 'd be pleased an'
+the Democrats would n't cut no figure
+no more."</p>
+
+<p>"But&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"That's just it," said Susan, "that's
+just the trouble. We're like most of the
+rest of America an' the whole of Cuba an'
+the Philippines, too little an' too far off<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+to make the big folks really care whether
+we like the way they do or not. I don't
+have no idea of carin' whether potato bugs
+mind bein' picked or not, an' no matter
+what they said about me before or after
+their pickin' it 'd be all one to me. An'
+that's just about the way our government
+feels about us. An' I guess most other
+governments is much the same. Which
+is probably the reason why potato bugs is
+gettin' worse an' thicker all the time."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY</p>
+
+
+<p>As Susan set the basket down it began
+to squawk.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't care," she said, "let it squawk!"</p>
+
+<p>"But what&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in
+whose kitchen Susan had set the basket
+down and in whose kitchen chair Susan
+was now sitting herself down.</p>
+
+<p>"Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I
+guess it's made trouble enough for others
+so that I may in all confidence feel to set
+a little while without troublin' about it
+myself. I look upon it that I was very
+kind to take it anyhow, not havin' no idea
+how it'll agree with the chickens when it
+comes to eatin' with them or with me
+when it comes to me eatin' it, for you know
+as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>
+Lathrop, but still a friend is a friend, an'
+in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the least her
+friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins
+to stay with her an' for me to take the
+duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit
+up with a under-the-weather neighbor, but
+she said she could <i>not</i> take a duck on her
+mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for
+I will in confidence remark, Mrs. Lathrop,
+as you only need to be in the room with
+that duck two minutes to see as the Prodigal
+Son was fully an' freely whipped in
+comparison to the way as he's been dealt
+with."</p>
+
+<p>"I really&mdash;" protested Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I don't know but it <i>will</i> be savin'
+of breath in the end," said Miss Clegg, and
+thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking
+basket, bore it into the next room, and
+coming out, shut the connecting door
+firmly behind her.</p>
+
+<p>"Where under the&mdash;" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"It's really quite a long story," returned<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>
+her friend; "but I come in just to tell
+you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an'
+it begun when she went in town yesterday
+mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an'
+I will say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials
+right along one after another I never hear
+of an' to see her sittin' there now in her
+carpet slippers with a capsicum plaster to
+her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin' her
+tea every minute she ain't makin' her
+toast is enough to make any one as is as
+soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any
+duck whether it's spoiled or not. An' so
+I took this duck."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I&mdash;" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"You think not now," said Susan, "but
+you soon will when I tell you, for as I said
+before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm
+goin' to begin right off. It's a long story
+an' one as 'll take time to tell, but you know
+me an' you know as I always take time to
+tell you everythin' so you can rely on
+gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this;
+an' you'll get it fresh from the spout too,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>
+for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an'
+Mrs. Macy's so fresh from her trials that
+they was still holdin' the plaster on to her
+when I left."</p>
+
+<p>"But&mdash;" expostulated the listener.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now this is how it was," said Miss
+Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'way back in the
+beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for
+it's very needful to have it straight so as
+to understand just why she is so nigh to
+half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as
+gets mad easy, an' so it's well for us as has
+got to live in the same town with her to
+well an' clearly learn just how much it
+takes to use her up.</p>
+
+<p>"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday
+mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go to town
+to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was
+goin' to take lunch with Busby Bell's
+cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at
+the Lupeys' in Meadville, 'cause they only
+live three-quarters of an hour from town
+on two changes of the electric, an' Mrs.
+Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any time she or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>
+her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd
+be nothin' but happy to have 'em drop in
+on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' her
+husband's sister, too, so company was n't
+no work for her herself. Well, Mrs. Macy
+was goin' to the city an' so she looked up
+the address an' made up her mind to go
+there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address
+on one side of the piece of paper as she had in
+her black bag an' she wrote her shoes on the
+other side, for she says they're a new kind
+of shoes as is warranted not to pinch you in
+the back, by every magazine an' newspaper&mdash;an'
+<i>you</i> know what Mrs. Macy is on bein'
+pinched; why, she says she give up belts
+an' took to carpet slippers just for the very
+reason as she could <i>not</i> stand bein' pinched
+nowhere.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis
+shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how any one
+could remember 'em off of paper <i>she</i> can't
+see anyhow, an' Luther Stott's wife lives
+2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an' that was
+very important too, for there's seven other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>
+Eleventh Avenues in the city besides eight
+Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part
+of the city is laid out that way so as to
+make it simple to them as knows where
+they live anyhow.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her
+bonnet as happy as any one looks to be
+afore they know they're goin' to be the
+first to have a new invention tried on 'em
+an' then she locked up her house an' set
+off. She says she never was great on new
+inventions for she's lived under a lightnin'
+rod for pretty near forty years an' never
+come anywhere nigh to be struck once yet,
+but she says she has now learned to her
+sorrow as bein' fooled by a lightnin' rod
+man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein'
+fooled by a minister for forty years ahead,
+for she says she'll lose her guess if this last
+foolin' don't last forty years or even longer
+if she lives that long, an' make her wear
+her felt slippers all the forty years too.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, she says of course you might
+know as it would be the minister as done<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>
+her up first on this day of misery, an' it
+<i>was</i> the minister! She says after that
+donation party to fix him out with new
+shirts last week she surely looked to be
+spared any further inflictions from him
+for one while; she says the idea as the
+congregation is expected to shirt the minister
+was surely most new to her, an' she was
+dead set against it at first, but she says
+she come to the fore an' was one to help
+make him the six when she see as it was
+expected to be her duty as a Christian, but
+she says she surely hoped when she hemmed
+the tail of the last one as she'd seen the
+last of him for a good breathin' spell.</p>
+
+<p>"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't
+to be, an' so she learned to her keen an'
+pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she
+was n't more 'n fairly on her way to town
+when she run square up to him on the
+bridge an' as a result was just in time to be
+the first for him to try his new memory
+system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins
+an' me with tears in her eyes an' her felt<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>
+slippers solemnly crossed on top of each
+other, as she can not see why it had to be
+her of all people an' her shoes of all things,
+for she says&mdash;an' I certainly felt to agree,
+Mrs. Lathrop&mdash;as if there's anythin' on
+the wide earth as you <i>don't</i> want to apply
+a memory system to it's your shoes, for
+shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new
+memory system of the minister's is a thing
+as he got out of a Sunday School magazine
+in reward for workin' out a puzzle. Seems
+you guess big cities till their capital letters
+spell 'Memory,' an' then you send the
+answers to the magazine an' a dollar for
+postage an' packin' an' then they send you
+the memory system complete in one book
+for nothin' a <i>tall</i>. Or you can add in a
+two-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but
+the minister guessed 'cause he felt as in
+his circumstances he had n't ought to waste
+even two cents! Seems as they had a
+most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti
+for the 'Y,' an' for a while they was most<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>
+afraid they'd have to be reckless with two
+cents, but they got it in the end an' sent
+'em all off, an' the book come back with a
+injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no one
+stamped on every page. Seems it come
+back day before yesterday an' the minister
+sat up most of the night commemoratin'
+the theory, an' then Mrs. Macy says he
+just got it into him in time for Fate to let
+him go an' be flung at her right on the
+bridge! She says she was n't no more
+mistrustin' trouble than any one does when
+they meet a loose minister out walkin' an'
+she says she can't well see how any woman
+meetin' a man across a bridge can be
+blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped
+a new principle an' is dyin' to apply it to
+the first thing handy.</p>
+
+<p>"She says he asked her where she was
+goin' an' she told him frank an' open as
+she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes
+as was warranted not to pinch. She says
+he asked her what kind of shoes they was
+an' she opened her little bag an' got out<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>
+the paper an' read him as they was Kulosis
+shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote
+down an' she told him as she had it wrote
+down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe
+get pinched again.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, she says she was standin' sideways
+an' was n't watchin' particular, so
+she was n't in no state to suspect nothin'
+when he told her as she could easy throw
+that piece of paper away an' go to town
+without it. She says she told him as she
+knowed that she could easy throw the piece
+of paper away an' go to town without it,
+but how was she to remember her shoes
+which was the reason why she was takin'
+the piece of paper along with her? Then
+she says as he said as he'd show her how
+to remember her shoes an' welcome an'
+she says as she thought as long as it was
+welcome she might as well stand still, so
+she did.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me
+or not just as you please, but the first thing
+he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>
+her of, which struck her as most strange
+in the start out. But she told him as it
+did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an'
+let it go at that, an' she says it was plain
+as then he had to think of somethin' as it
+<i>could</i> remind somebody of, an' she says
+he certainly did have to think a long while
+an' when he said finally as it reminded <i>him</i>
+of four noses.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she
+never heard the beat of that in all her born
+days, an' her mind went back to her childhood
+days an' a uncle she had, an' the
+Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'd
+surely been drinkin'; she says she was so
+took aback that he see it in her face an'
+told her right then an' there as it was a
+memory system. Seems as the key to the
+whole is as you must reduce everythin'
+to Mother Goose so as not to need the brains
+as you've growed since, an' the minister
+told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple
+to apply. He went on to ask her what did
+four noses remind her of, an' she says she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>
+thought she see the whole game at that
+an' told him as quick as scat that they
+reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my,
+seems that ain't the way it goes a <i>tall</i>, an'
+he begin an' explained it all over again,
+an' where he come out in the end was as
+four noses would just naturally remind
+any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy
+of 'Two legs sat upon three legs.' You
+know the rhyme in Mother Goose where
+the dog is four legs an' gets the mutton
+as is one leg in the man's lap?</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 458px;"><a name="gs03" id="gs03"></a>
+<img src="images/gs03.jpg" width="458" height="754" alt="&quot;&#39;Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at that.&#39;&quot; Page 179." title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;&#39;Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at that.&#39;&quot; Page <a href="#Page_179">179</a>.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe
+understand as Mrs. Macy was just about
+plum paralyzed at <i>that</i>! Her story is as
+she just stood afore him with her mouth
+open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin'
+what under the sun she was goin' to be
+asked to remember next, an' when he said
+that was all, an' for her just to simply tear
+up the paper, she forgot all about Luther
+Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the
+paper. He said for her to go right along
+to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>
+legs sat upon three legs' to get her her
+shoes, an' she says what with bein' so dumbfoundered,
+an' what with him bein' the
+minister into the bargain, she went along
+to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be
+able to do it.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could
+hear Mrs. Macy for that ain't nothin' but
+the beginnin', whatever you may think,
+an' the rest gets awfuller an' awfuller!</p>
+
+<p>"In the first place talkin' so long for
+the minister made her have to run for the
+train, an' <i>you</i> know what Mrs. Macy is on
+a run. She said she got so hot, as she was
+not only on a run but mostly on a pour all
+the way to town. Why, she says it was
+most terrible an' she says nothin' ever give
+her such a idea as she was a born fool afore,
+for with it all she had to keep on sayin'
+'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as
+a clock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget
+it that she did n't dare even take her usual
+little nap on the way an' so had no choice
+but to land all wore out.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, as soon as she was landed she
+remembered about Luther Stott's wife bein'
+on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently
+tore up along with her shoes, an'
+she says the start she got over rememberin'
+havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove
+what 'Two legs sat upon three legs' was
+to remind her of clean out of her head,
+not to speak of havin' long since lost track
+of the way to get any connection between
+that an' her shoes.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd
+of been there to hear! She says nobody
+ever did afore! She says she went up one
+street an' down another like a lost soul,
+lookin' for a policeman. She says she
+felt she did n't know where to find nothin'.
+She could n't look for Luther in the directory
+'cause he's long dead an' only his
+wife lives there, an' as for her shoes she
+was clean beside herself. She says she
+was so mad at the minister as she'd have
+throwed away her baptism an' her marriage
+then an' there just because it was ministers<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>
+as done 'em both to her, if there'd been
+anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just
+put her pride into her pocket, went into a
+shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Two
+legs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of
+anythin' in the way of shoes. She says
+the man looked at her in a way as passed
+all belief an' said it reminded him more of
+pants than shoes.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, she says she went out into the
+street at that an' her heart was too low for
+any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she
+was wanderin' along who should she meet
+but Drusilla Cobb?</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla
+Cobb! You know what she was afore she
+left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't
+altered her a <i>tall</i>. Whenever Drusilla was
+glad to see any one she always had a reason,
+an' Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how
+clean used up she was over her shoes that
+she never remembered that way of Drusilla's.
+Drusilla never saw no one on the
+street unless she had a reason, an' if she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>
+had a reason it was Heaven help them as
+Drusilla saw on the street.</p>
+
+<p>"So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked
+her right home to lunch with her, an' Mrs.
+Macy very gladly went. She says no words
+can tell how lively an' pleasant Drusilla
+was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all
+the way home. She says Drusilla has a
+very nice home an' a thin husband an' three
+very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the
+only fat one in the family."</p>
+
+<p>Susan paused and drew a long breath.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new
+position.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the
+duck comes in. The duck was Drusilla's
+reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs.
+Macy says if any one had told her as she
+was to go to town for shoes an' bring back
+a duck, or be did in one day first by the
+minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb, she'd
+take her Bible oath as whoever said it was
+lyin', but so it was."</p>
+
+<p>"Is&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Miss Clegg, "it's the same
+one. An' this is its why as told by Mrs.
+Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me." She
+paused and drew a still longer breath.
+"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband
+had got a friend as goes huntin' with
+a doctor. Seems he found four little red-headed
+things in a nest of reeds an' took
+one an' asked the doctor what it was.
+Seems the doctor said as he thought as
+it was a golden-headed oriole but the
+friend thought as it was a mud hen. So
+he give it to Drusilla's youngest boy to
+raise in a flat for his birthday. Well, Mrs.
+Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely
+most new to the animal as very soon turned
+out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all
+the black spots in the carpets for bugs an'
+when they put it in the bath-tub to swim
+it would n't swim but just kept diving for
+the hole in the bottom. Seems they had
+a most lively time with it an' it run after
+'em everywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons
+an' squawked nights, an' when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>
+Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right
+off as she could give her the duck to take
+home with her 'cause she lived in the
+country. So that was how Mrs. Macy
+come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's
+so dreadful pleasant.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as
+she no more mistrusted what travelin' with
+a duck is than anythin', so although she
+could n't say as she really relishes any
+duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it
+could swim in the crick, an' maybe grow
+to be a comfort, so she let them put it in a
+basket, an' give her a envelope of dead
+flies for it to lunch on, an' she set off for
+home. She had to wait a long time for a
+car an' the duck was so restless it eat eight
+flies an' bit her twice waitin', but finally
+the car come along an' she an' the duck
+got on. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, she says you
+never hear nothin' like that duck when it
+felt itself on a electric car! The conductor
+heard it an' come runnin' an' stopped the
+car an' put 'em both off afore she realized<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>
+as she was gettin' off for her duck instead
+of her depot.</p>
+
+<p>"So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high
+an' dry in a strange part of the city alone
+with a duck out of the goodness of her heart.
+You can maybe believe as she was very far
+from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb when
+she realized as she couldn't take no car
+with no duck an' didn't know Drusilla's
+number to take her back her duck, neither.
+Mrs. Macy says as she felt herself slowly
+growin' mad an' she went into a store near
+by an' asked 'em if they had a telephone.
+They said they had, an' she says she never
+will know what possessed her but she just
+looked that telephone square in the eye an'
+told it to get her the president of the car
+company without a second's delay. She
+says it was astonishin' how quick it got her
+somebody an' as soon as they'd each said
+'Hello' polite enough, she just up an' asked
+him to please tell her the difference between
+a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says
+he did n't say nothin' for a minute an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>
+then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble
+manner, an' she asked him it right over
+again. Then she said he was more nervous
+an' made very queer noises an' finally asked
+her what in Noah's ark she wanted to know
+for. She says she could n't but think that
+very ill-bred, considerin' her age, but she
+was in a situation where she had to overlook
+anythin', so she told him as she knowed
+an' he knowed, too, as any one could take
+a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an'
+never know what it was to be put off for
+nothin'. She said he shook the wire a
+little more an' then asked her if she was
+meanin' to lead him to infer that she had
+been injected from a car with a duck. She
+says his tone was so disrespectful that she
+felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told him
+so far from bein' injected she'd been put out
+an' off a car an' she had the duck right with
+her to prove it. He told her as he would advise
+her to try to do the duck up in a derby
+hat an' smuggle him through that way, an'
+then without a word more he hung up.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about
+never was so mad afore. She says when
+she turned around all the men in the store
+was laughin' an' that made her madder yet,
+but there was one on 'em as said he felt
+for her 'cause he owned a pair of ducks
+himself, an' he went in the back of the
+store an' found a old hat-box as was pretty
+large an' he went to work an' took the
+duck out of the basket an' put him into
+the box an' give Mrs. Macy 'em both to
+carry an' put her on another car an' she
+set off again.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that time she got to the depot
+all safe, an' if there was n't old Dr. Carter
+from Meadville an' it goes without sayin'
+as old Dr. Carter from Meadville could
+drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's
+head, so she an' he set out to be real happy
+to the Junction, an' the first thing he
+asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new
+bonnet in town an' she laughed an' give
+the box a little heave an' the bottom come
+out an' the duck flew down the car.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 440px;"><a name="gs04" id="gs04"></a>
+<img src="images/gs04.jpg" width="440" height="736" alt="&quot;&#39;The bottom come out an&#39; the duck flew down the car.&#39;&quot; Page 188." title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;&#39;The bottom come out an&#39; the duck flew down the car.&#39;&quot; Page <a href="#Page_188">188</a>.</span>
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe
+guess as that was most tryin' both to Mrs.
+Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an'
+was both wedged in one seat expectin' to enjoy
+all they could of each other to the Junction.
+Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge
+himself an' catchin' the duck was a most
+awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off
+just about as soon as it was done. Well,
+Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duck
+seems to make every one feel as free as air,
+an' a man come right off an' sat with her
+right off an' asked her right off whether it
+was a duck or a drake. Why, she says she
+never did&mdash;not in all her life&mdash;an' he told
+her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider
+an' givin' it to the duck an' if he took it it
+was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck.
+He asked her if it was n't so an' she said
+she could n't deny it, an' then he went
+back to his own seat an' she rode the rest
+of the way tryin' to figure on where the
+hitch was in what he said, for she says as
+she certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>
+you can't deny that it's all straight about
+the spider an' the he and the she.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, so she got home an' went right
+up to her house, put the duck in the rat
+trap, an' went over to ask the minister
+about her shoes, an' what do you think,
+Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think! The
+minister had clean forgot himself! He
+was sittin' there on his piazza advisin' Mrs.
+Brown to make her pound-cake by sayin'
+'One, two, three, Mother caught a flea,'
+the flea bein' the butter, an' Mrs. Macy
+says it was plain to be seen as he was n't
+a bit pleased at her comin' in that way to
+have his memory system applied to her
+backward.</p>
+
+<p>"She says after that she went home to
+the duck madder 'n ever an' put on her
+felt slippers an' made up her mind as she'd
+make up for her lost day by rippin' up her
+old carpets, an' that was the crownin'
+pyramid in her Egyptian darkness, for it's
+the carpet as has ended her."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh&mdash;" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Oh, she's alive," said Susan, "but she
+ain't much more 'n alive, an' it's a wonder
+that she's that, an' it would be very bad
+for her if she was n't, for young Dr. Brown
+says she can die fifty times before he'll
+ever go near her again. He's awful mad
+an' he's got a bad bump on his nose too
+where he fell over her, an' Mrs. Sweet's
+got to stay in bed three days too for her
+arm where she dislocated it jerkin'&mdash;although
+goodness knows what she tried
+jerkin' for&mdash;for I'd as soon think of
+tryin' to jerk a elephant from under a
+whale as to try to jerk Mrs. Macy from
+under a carpet. An' even with it all they
+could n't get her up an' had to get the
+blacksmith's crowbar an' pry, an' Mrs.
+Sweet says if any one doubts as pryin' is
+painful they'd ought to of been there to
+hear Mrs. Macy an' see Hiram an' the
+blacksmith."</p>
+
+<p>"But what&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm goin' to tell you if you'll just keep
+still a little longer an' let me get through to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>
+the end," said her friend. "I got this part
+all back an' forth an' upside down from
+Mrs. Sweet while I was takin' her home by
+the other arm. Oh, my, but it's awful
+about her, for she was preservin' an' wanted
+a extra cullender an' lost her right arm in
+consequence. I hope her experience 'll be
+a lesson to you, Mrs. Lathrop, for it's
+been such a lesson to me that I may mention
+right here an' now 't if I ever hear you
+hollerin' I shall put for the opposite direction
+as quick as I can for I would n't never
+take no chances at gettin' dislocated like
+Mrs. Sweet is&mdash;not if I knew it. Young
+Dr. Brown says she's decapitated the
+angular connection between her collar bone
+an' somewhere else, an' she says she can
+well believe it judgin' from the way her
+ear keeps shootin' into her wrist an' back
+again."</p>
+
+<p>"But&mdash;" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know how Mrs.
+Macy always was forever given to economizin'.
+I don't say as economizin' is any<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>
+sin, but I will say as Mrs. Macy's ways of
+economizin' is sometimes most singular an'
+to-day's a example of that. Economy's all
+right as long as you economize out of yourself,
+but when it takes in Mrs. Sweet an'
+bumps young Dr. Brown I've no patience&mdash;no
+more 'n Mrs. Sweet an' young Dr.
+Brown has. Young Dr. Brown says it
+looks awful to have a black eye an' no
+reason for it except fallin' over a carpet.
+He says when he explains as Mrs. Macy
+was under the carpet no one is goin' to
+think it any thin' but funny, an' he says a
+doctor must n't be hurt funny ways. Mrs.
+Sweet don't feel to blame herself none for
+her arm 'cause she jerked like she does
+everythin' else, with her whole heart, an'
+she says she did so want to set her up that
+she tried harder an' harder every jerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to go 'way back to
+the beginnin', seems as Mrs. Macy set out
+last night, as I said before, to make over
+her carpet. Seems as she wanted to turn
+it all around so's it'd fade away under the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>
+stove an' fray out in the corner where it
+don't show. I don't say as the idea was n't
+a good one&mdash;although it's come pretty
+hard on Mrs. Sweet&mdash;but anyhow, good
+or no good, she dug up the tacks last night
+an' ripped the widths an' set down to sew
+this mornin'. Her story is as she turned
+the duck out to pasture right after breakfast
+an' then went to work an' sewed away
+as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock.
+Then she felt most awful tired from the
+rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so she thought
+she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was
+all done up in the carpet an' gettin' out
+was hard so she thought she'd just lay
+back on the floor. Seems she lay back
+suddener than she really intended an' as
+she hit the floor, she was <i>took</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"She give a yell an' she says she kept
+on givin' yells for one solid hour, an' no
+one come. She says as no words can ever
+tell how awful it was, for every yell sent
+a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin'
+an' knifin' all ways through her. No one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>
+heard her, for the blacksmith was shoein'
+a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma
+Mullins an' Lucy was discussin' Hiram on
+the other. You know what a mule is to
+shoe, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know what
+Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take
+to discussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath
+as when Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy gets to
+discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no
+steam penelope out of a circus, not if it
+was settin' full tilt right on their very own
+door-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there
+an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet came for the
+cullender.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Sweet says, <i>the</i> shock she got when
+she opened the door an' see Mrs. Macy with
+the carpet on her was enough to upset
+anybody.</p>
+
+<p>"She says she thought at first as Mrs.
+Macy was tryin' to take up her carpet by
+crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks
+come out that way. But then she see as
+her face was up an' of course no Christian'd
+ever crawl under no carpet with her face<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span>
+up. So she asked her what was the matter,
+an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she
+did n't know what was the matter. Then
+Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her
+up. An' she says the way she yelled!</p>
+
+<p>"She says she jerked her by the arms,
+an' by the legs, an' even by the head, an'
+her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler.
+Mrs. Macy says as her agonies was terrible
+every time she slid a little along, an' she
+just begged an' prayed for her to go an'
+get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs.
+Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy
+an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy went for
+young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an'
+Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs. Macy. Oh, my,
+but their story is as they jerked hard then,
+for they wanted her to be respectable in
+bed afore he came, but it was no use an'
+he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an'
+the carpet afore his eyes got used to where
+he was. They had to help him up an'
+then he had to go in the kitchen an' disinfect
+his bump afore he could take a look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span>
+at Mrs. Macy. But seems he got around to
+her at last an' felt her pulse an' then as
+he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded
+her softly all over with the tack-hammer,
+but he did n't find out nothin' that way for
+she yelled wherever he hit her. He said
+then as he'd like to turn X-rays through
+her, only as there is n't no cellar under
+her house just there there'd be no way to
+get a picture of the other side of what was
+the matter with her.</p>
+
+<p>"So he said she <i>must</i> be got up, an'
+although she howled as she could n't be,
+he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's
+crowbar an' the blacksmith, an'
+it was plain as she'd have to come whether
+nor no. Mrs. Sweet says it was surely a
+sight to see. They put the crowbar across
+a footstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other
+side at the same time, an' with a yell like
+Judgment Day they sat her up.</p>
+
+<p>"An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop?
+What <i>do</i> you think? There was a tack
+stickin' square in the middle of her back!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was
+awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesses
+he's got suthin' out of somebody now as
+he won't care to preserve in alcohol for a
+ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is
+mad, too, for he was goin' over to Meadville
+to fan a baseball team this afternoon
+an' he says Mrs. Macy has used up all his
+fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'cause
+she says she was way ahead of Gran'ma
+Mullins in what they were talkin' about
+an' now she's forgotten what that was.
+But Gran'ma Mullins was maddest of all
+when she found out about the duck, 'cause
+it seems as Drusilla Cobb's husband was
+a relation of hers an' as a consequence
+she never could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd
+take the duck."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I shall fat him an' eat him."</p>
+
+<p>"An' what&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop,
+further.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs.
+Macy hunted up the magazine an' looked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span>
+'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after
+all. As soon as she see it she remembered
+the four noses an' all, but she says she was
+too done up to go any further at the
+minister just then."</p>
+
+<p>"Is&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow,
+an' I ain't goin' to catch no spider for the
+sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well
+as she will, I reckon, an' if I have any
+doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be by
+parboilin' instead of spiders."</p>
+
+<p>So saying Susan rose, sought her duck,
+and departed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII</h2>
+
+<p class="center">MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES</p>
+
+
+<p>Mrs. Lathrop never went to church.
+She had relinquished church when
+she had given up all other social joys that
+called for motive power beyond the limits
+of her own fence.</p>
+
+<p>Elijah rarely ever went to church. The
+getting the paper out Friday for Saturday
+delivery wore on him so that he nearly
+always slept until noon on Sunday.</p>
+
+<p>So Susan went alone week after week,
+just as she had been going alone for years
+and years and years. She always wore a
+black dress to church, her mother's cashmere
+shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape
+which had no strings and fitted closely
+around her head. She always took about
+an hour and a half to get home from church,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span>
+although it was barely ten minutes' walk,
+and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's
+gate instead of her own when she did get
+home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the
+minute when to expect her and was invariably
+seated ready and waiting.</p>
+
+<p>One late May day when Susan returned
+from church she followed her usual course
+of Sunday observances by going straight to
+her neighbor's and sitting down hard on
+one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but she
+differed from her usual course by her expression,
+which&mdash;usually bland and fairly
+contented with the world in general&mdash;was
+this morning most bitterly set and firmly
+assured in displeasure.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat
+alarmed but attempting to speak pleasantly,
+"was&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Susan, "I should say not."
+Then she unpinned her hat and ran the
+pin through the crown with a vicious
+directness that bore out her words to the
+full.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled,
+"why&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I can't help it if you are," said
+Miss Clegg, "you don't have to go Sunday
+after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you
+did, an' if you had what you ain't got an'
+that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd be
+rammin' around with a hat-pin yourself
+an' understand my feelin's when I say as
+there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't
+been over fully as often as the minister nor
+a place where he can open it that I can't
+tell just what he'll say about it afore he's
+done settlin' his tie an' clearin' his throat.
+I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an' throat-clearin'
+business I don't know what to do
+an' then to-day it was the Sermon on the
+Mount an' he said as he had a new thought
+to develop out of the mount for us an' the
+new thought was as life was a mount with
+us all climbin' up it an' sure to come out
+on top with the Sermon if our legs held out.
+It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's
+got hold of as puts me so out of all patience<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span>
+I don't know what to do; if they was
+really new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but
+they're as old as the hills an' I feel like I
+was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on
+whenever I hear him beginnin' with a
+fresh old one. The other day I met him
+down in the square an' he stopped me short
+an' told me to my face as the world was
+gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star
+as he see the night afore had given him
+one as he was intendin' to work up for
+Christmas. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do
+you think that particular new thought
+was? What <i>do</i> you think? It was as
+God was back o' the stars! My lands, I
+felt like givin' him a punch with my parasol
+an' I'd of done it too only I'd left my
+parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with
+me but a basket o' currants. I told him
+though as the idea o' God an' the stars
+bein' anyways new was surely <i>most</i> new to
+me, an' then I went on to say as Rachel
+Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>berries for me Monday an' seein' as Tuesday
+was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I
+could only hope as some other new thought
+had n't run off with her, too.</p>
+
+<p>"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't
+get much fun out o' church anyway, for
+I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time
+I'm there thinkin' what I could be doin'
+at home if I <i>was</i> at home, an' wonderin'
+whether Elijah is in bed or whether he's
+up an' about. I don't know a more awful
+feelin' than the feelin' that you're chained
+helpless in a church while the man in your
+house is up an' about your house. Men
+were n't meant to be about houses an' I
+always liked father because he never was
+about, but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition
+an' he inquires more Sundays than
+any other time. The idea as he's wanderin'
+around just carelessly lookin' into everythin'
+as ain't locked upsets me for listenin'
+to the minister anyway, but lately my
+patience has been up on its hind legs in
+church clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever,
+for it seems as if the minister gets tamer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>
+an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on,
+an' between not likin' to hear him an' bein'
+half mad to get back to Elijah I'm beginnin'
+to wish as God in His infinite mercy had
+let me be somethin' besides a Christian. I
+don't know what I'd be if I was n't a
+Christian, but my own view o' this idea o'
+free-trade in religion as is takin' so many
+folks nowadays is as it all comes from most
+anybody with common sense jus' naturally
+knowin' more than any minister as always
+has his house an' his potatoes for nothin'
+ever can possibly get a chance to learn;
+an' when folks realize as they know more
+than the minister they ain't apt to like
+to waste the time as they might be learnin'
+more yet, sittin' an' listenin' to him tag
+along behind what they know already. A
+minister is kind o' like a horse in blinders
+or a cow as wears a yoke to keep her from
+jumpin', anyway&mdash;he feels as he can't
+launch out even if he wants to an' so he
+never does, but my idea would be to give
+'em a little rope an' let 'em be a little more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span>
+interestin'. Here's two hours a week as
+we sit still an' might be learnin' things
+much more useful than as Job was patient
+an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an'
+Joseph anyhow. I've heard about 'em both
+ever since I was old enough to know about
+either, an' long afore I was old enough to
+know about Joseph. I was talkin' about
+this at the sewin' society yesterday an'
+they all agreed with me. Mrs. Macy said
+as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin'
+to go to sleep in church for the last five
+years, an' she was beginnin' to have it so
+strong as she did n't care who knowed it.</p>
+
+<p>"Was the minister's&mdash;" asked Mrs.
+Lathrop, with vivid curiosity.</p>
+
+<p>"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a
+moth ball was a lemon drop an' dealt with
+it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by
+the bein' up all night to even so much as
+overcast a plain seam; but the rest was
+there an' we all aired ourselves inside out,
+I can assure you, an' was more 'n glad as
+she was n't there, so we could do it, too.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"The general talk was as the minister 'd
+do well to quit talkin' about Heaven for a
+while an' come down to earth. We all
+know about Heaven, 'cause if you don't all
+you have to do is to tip back your head an'
+there it is day an' night for you to look at as
+long as your neck don't ache, but what
+we don't know about is a lot of what's
+right around us. Mrs. Macy says as her
+view would be to take the Bible for the
+motto an' then apply it right to us here
+to-day, an' tell us how to understand what's
+goin' on in the world by its light. She
+says David an' Goliath could of been Japan
+an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling
+shot, an' we all felt to agree as <i>there</i> was a
+idea as <i>no</i> minister ought to mind ownin',
+for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she
+never would of give Mrs. Macy credit for
+thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that.
+Every one was interested right off an' you
+ought to of been there to see how the idea
+took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd <i>always</i>
+wanted to know what a soft-nosed bullet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span>
+looked like an' how their other features felt,
+an' a sermon like that could n't but give us
+all a new understandin' of a war. Then
+they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an'
+Mrs. Sweet said as Jezabel bein' throwed to
+the dogs could apply to that new rule in
+the city as makes you have to go around
+with your dog's nose in a lattice an' yourself
+tied to the dog; she said when she
+went up there the other day she felt like
+nothin' but a fool out with her brother an'
+him bein' jerked here an' there a'cordin'
+as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' the
+dog's lattice half the time over one of his
+two ears so he looked more drunk than
+sober all day. Of course we ain't got no
+such rules about dogs' noses here, but no
+one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it
+showed she took an interest; Mrs. Brown
+said when she was done as she should think
+as the sun standin' still on Absalom three
+days could be worked up into havin' our
+streets lit all night, for she says when
+young Dr. Brown is out late, Amelia's so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>
+awful nervous she has to sit by her an'
+hold her hand, an' young Dr. Brown always
+says it takes him a good hour longer than
+it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o'
+bein' so afraid o' runnin' into trees in the
+dark."</p>
+
+<p>"They say&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop,
+thoughtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but you could n't make his mother
+believe it," said Susan; "she thinks he
+eats peppermint comin' home nights just
+because he likes to eat peppermint comin'
+home nights. Mothers is all like that.
+You know yourself how you was with
+Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk,
+about how all sons was n't prodigals, some
+bein' obliged by fate to be the calf instead.
+I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I
+think of this new idea the more took I am
+with it. The Bible would be most like a
+new book if we took it that way an' Sunday
+would be a day to look forward to all the
+week long, just to see what the minister
+was goin' to say about what next. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>
+sewin' society was all in favor of the idea
+an' now if the square only takes it up with
+a real mother's heart I don't see why we
+should n't get some profit out o' keepin'
+a minister yet. My notion is as the minister
+might just as well learn to be a lesson
+to us as to be so dead satisfied with only
+bein' a trial to us. We've got trials
+enough, Lord knows, an' just now what
+with the weather an' the cleanin' house no
+one wants to go to church to hear about
+things as they all know anyhow."</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop,
+thoughtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I would n't look for that," said
+Susan; "every one has their limits an' I
+would n't expect no man to jump over
+his own outside. I should n't ever look for
+the minister to be really equal to workin'
+up somethin' real spicy as would fill the
+house out o' Uriah the Hittite or Abigail
+hangin' upside down to the tree, but I
+can't well see why he could n't teach us
+whether well water's healthy or not by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>
+quotin' from Rebecca, an' when the time
+comes he could surely get a real nice
+Thanksgivin' text out o' John the Baptist's
+head on the platter."</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop, slowly.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm goin' home to Elijah now," said
+Susan, "an' I shall talk the matter up with
+him. Elijah's awful funny, Mrs. Lathrop.
+However much he roams around while
+I'm in church he always hops back in bed
+an' manages to be sound asleep when it's
+time for me to come home. An' I will say
+this for him, an' that is as with all his
+pryin' an' meddlin' he's clever enough to get
+things back so I can never see no traces of
+what he's been at. If I was n't no sharper
+than most others, I'd think as he never
+had stirred out of bed while I was gone&mdash;but
+I am sharper than others an' it'll take
+a sharper young man than Elijah to make
+me suppose as all is gold that glitters or
+that a man left all alone in a house don't
+take that time to find out what he's alone
+in the midst of."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV</h2>
+
+<p class="center">ADVISABILITY OF NEWSPAPER EXPOSURES</p>
+
+
+<p>"Well, I don't know I'm sure what I
+<i>am</i> goin' to do with Elijah," said
+Susan Clegg to her friend one evening.
+"He's just as restless in his ideas as he
+is in bed, an' he's not content in bed without
+untuckin' everythin' at the foot. I
+hate a bed as is kicked out at the foot an'
+I hate a man as makes a woman have to
+put the whole bed together again new
+every mornin'. I'm sure I don't see no
+good to come of kickin' nights an' I've
+talked to Elijah about layin' still till I
+should think he could n't but see how right
+I am an' how wrong he is, but still he goes
+right on kickin', an' now he's got it into
+his head as he's got to turn the town topsy-turvy
+by findin' out suthin' wrong as we'd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>
+rather not know, an' makin' us very uncomfortable
+by knowin' it, an' knowin' as
+now we know it we've got to do suthin'
+about it, an' that seems to make him kick
+more than ever."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear&mdash;" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"He set on the porch for an hour with
+me last night," Susan went on, "tryin' to
+think o' suthin' as he could expose in the
+paper. He says a paper ain't nothin'
+nowadays without it's exposin' suthin,
+an' a town ain't fit to have a paper if it
+ain't got nothin' to expose in it. He says
+no closet without some skeleton, an' he
+should think we'd have ours, an' in the end
+he talked so much that I could n't but
+feel for a little as maybe he was right an' as
+we <i>was</i> behind the times, for when you
+come to think it over, Mrs. Lathrop, nothin'
+ever does happen here as had n't ought to
+happen&mdash;not since Mr. Shores' wife run
+off with his clerk, an' that wa'n't no great
+happenin', for they could n't stand sittin'
+on the piazza much longer&mdash;every one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>
+could see that&mdash;an' Mrs. Shores wasn't
+one to have any man but her own husband
+comin' in an' out o' the house at all hours,
+an' so if she'd got to the point where she
+wanted a man as wasn't her own husband
+comin' in an' out, she just had to up an'
+run away with him, an' I never have been
+one to say no ill of her, for I look on Mr.
+Shores with a cool an' even eye, an' lookin'
+on Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye
+leads me to fully an' freely approve of
+every thin' as his wife ever done."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I know it, an' that's why I speak
+as I do. But Elijah seems to think as
+suthin' else ought to of happened since then,
+an' he asked me if I didn't know of nothin'
+as was bein' tried to be covered up as he
+could uncover, an' I really did try to think
+of suthin' but nobody ever covers up
+nothin' here. Nobody could if they wanted
+to. Everybody knows everythin' about
+everybody. We all know about Lucy an'
+Hiram, 'cause Gran'ma Mullins is always<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>
+tellin' her side an' Hiram's side, an' Lucy
+is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's other
+side. Gran'ma Mullins says when she sees
+a man like Hiram havin' to devote his
+strength an' his Sundays to catchin' water-bugs,
+she most feels she's been a mother
+in vain, an' Lucy says when she realizes
+as she's married a man as can't be put to
+no better use Sundays than catchin' water-bugs,
+she ain't got no doubt at all as to
+what she's married. Lucy's gettin' very
+bitter about marriage; she says when she
+thinks as she may be picked out for a
+golden weddin' she feels like tyin' balloons
+to her feet an' goin' out an' standin' on
+her head in the crick. Elijah asked me
+if maybe she was n't in love with some one
+else as he could just notice in general kind
+o' terms, but I told him he did n't know
+what Lucy Dill was on men now as Hiram
+has got her eyes open. Why, Lucy don't
+believe no more in love a <i>tall</i>. Lucy says
+if she was rid of men an' left on a desert
+island alone, with one cow, so she could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>
+have eggs an' milk toast regular, she'd
+never watch for no ship, an' if a ship heaved
+up anywhere near, she'd heave down so
+quick that if any one on the ship had seen
+her they'd think they imagined her afore
+they'd get ready to go to her rescue.
+Elijah shook his head then, an' trailed off
+to Polly Allen; he said there must be thirty-five
+years between Polly an' the deacon,
+an' could n't suthin' be hinted at about
+them. That set me to wonderin', an' it's
+really very strange when you come to
+think of it, Mrs. Lathrop, how contented
+Polly is. I don't believe they've ever had
+a word. He does the cookin' an' washin'
+the same as he always did, an' lets her do
+anythin' else she pleases, an' they say she's
+always very obligin' about doin' it.</p>
+
+<p>"So then Elijah crossed his legs the other
+way, an' asked if there was n't anythin'
+bigger as could be looked into, but every
+one knows Hiram is the biggest man anywhere
+around here, so that was no use.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>He asked then if we did n't have a poorhouse
+or a insane asylum or a slaughter-house
+or suthin' as he could show up in
+red ink. He said somebody must be doin'
+suthin' as they had n't ought to be doin'
+somewhere, an' it was both his virtue an'
+his business to print all about it. He says
+exposin' is the very life o' the newspaper
+business, an' you can't be nothin' nowadays
+without you expose. He seemed to
+feel very much put out about us not bein'
+able to be exposed, an' I could n't help
+a kind o' hurt feelin' as it was really so.</p>
+
+<p>"But what can I do, Mrs. Lathrop, I
+did n't know of nothin'? We ain't got no
+place to do anythin' except in the square
+an' nobody never does nothin' without
+everybody knows that day or the next
+mornin' at the latest. I don't believe as
+anybody could have a secret with anybody
+in this town 'cause you'd know very well
+as if you did n't get 'round pretty quick
+an' tell it first the other one would be
+gettin' ahead o' you an' tellin' it before
+you. Of course I could see Elijah's drift<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>
+all right. Them city papers has turned
+his head completely just as they do everybody
+else's when they first get a new idea.
+Elijah wants us to be eatin' bluing for blueberries
+an' cats for calves jus' so he can be
+the first to tell us about it, but there ain't
+a cat in town as ain't too well known for
+anybody to eat without knowin' it, an' as
+for bluing, if anybody can feed it to me
+for blueberries it's me as is the fool an'
+them as is n't, an' that's my views.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, I
+ain't got no great sympathy with this new
+idea o' keepin' us all stirred up over how
+awful things is. I won't say as I approved
+when that man in Chicago made sausage
+out o' his wife 'cause he was tired o' her,
+but I will say as if Lucy see her chance at
+Hiram that way I ain't sure as she could
+restrain herself. Hiram's perfectly healthy
+an' could be depended upon not to disagree
+with no one in sausage to anythin' like the
+extent Lucy disagrees with him, an' Gran'ma
+Mullins is so tired of hearin' 'em quarrel<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>
+that I ain't prepared to say as she'd rebel
+at anythin' as sent Lucy back to her
+father.</p>
+
+<p>"Elijah went on to tell me a lot about
+insurance an' railroads, but all about insurance
+an' railroads is 'way beyond my
+interest an' 'way beyond the understandin'
+of every one else here, an' nobody's goin'
+to remember a thing about any of it a year
+from now anyhow. That's the trouble
+with this country,&mdash;they don't remember
+nothin',&mdash;everybody forgets everythin' before
+the month is out. Most of the people
+never thinks o' San Francisco now, an' as
+for that fire they had in Baltimore, it's as
+dead as Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"That's the advantage the rest of the
+country has over us when it comes to
+exposin'. They can expose an' expose,
+an' all the folks who read about it forget
+an' forget, but here in this community it's
+different an' you can't count on <i>our</i> forgettin'
+things a <i>tall</i>, an' if Elijah was
+turned loose I'll venture to say every last<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>
+one o' them papers would be saved until
+doomsday. I know that an' knowin' that
+I very carefully restrain him. There's a
+many as knows as Mr. Kimball's dried apples
+is often very under rate, an' a many others
+as knows whose dead cat that was as Mrs.
+Sweet had to bury after vowin' she would n't
+till she smelt as she'd got to. Every last
+one of us knows what Dr. Brown gets at
+the drug store when he asks for what he
+usually gets an' there's a good many as
+thinks as Mrs. Macy goes to Meadville
+more on a'count o' Dr. Carter than to see
+her cousin, Mrs. Lupey. But I was n't
+goin' to set Elijah swimmin' in any such
+deep water. Elijah is a young man an'
+the age to go wrong easy, an' when that
+age see how easy it is to go wrong they're
+nothin' but foolish if they waste another
+second goin' right, so if Elijah wants to go
+to exposin' he'll have to get his stuff from
+some one else beside me."</p>
+
+<p>"You&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't say that," said Miss Clegg,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span>
+"I'm only human after all an' I can't in
+conscience deny as I should like to see
+them as I don't like showed up just as
+much as any other man as is makin' a
+business of showin' up his neighbors, likes
+it. But I know I've got to live here an'
+it'd be very poor livin' for me after I'd
+aired myself by way of Elijah. There's a
+great difference between knowin' things
+all by yourself an' readin' 'em in the paper,
+an' I know as that dead cat would cause a
+great deal o' hard feelin' in print, while
+buried by Mrs. Sweet it only helps her
+garden grow. So I shall keep on talkin'
+as usual, but I shall hold Elijah out o'
+print an' so keep the country safe."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, the paper'll do just as well," said
+Susan; "he's goin' to print one sheet as
+comes all printed from the city every week
+an' he says that'll put new zest in the thing.
+It'll be a great deal better to get the zest
+that way than to get it exposin'. Zest is
+suthin' as is always safest a good ways off.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span>
+Elijah saw that, too, afore he got done
+last night, for in his hitchin' about he
+hitched over the edge o' the piazza in the
+end."</p>
+
+<p>"Did&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no," said Miss Clegg. "But he
+tore a lot of things an' smashed a rose
+bush, but I did n't care about that. I
+just told him to leave 'em on a chair this
+mornin' an' I'd sew 'em all up again,
+an' I done it, an' as to the rose bush, I'll
+have him get another an' give it to me for
+a present the next time I go to the city to
+pick it out myself."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV" id="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE TRIAL OF A SICK MAN IN THE HOUSE</p>
+
+
+<p>"Well, where&mdash;" began Mrs. Lathrop
+in a tone of real pleasure at
+seeing Miss Clegg come into her kitchen
+one afternoon a few days after.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Clegg dropped into a chair.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I <i>have</i> got trouble now!" she
+announced abruptly, "Elijah's sick!"</p>
+
+<p>"Eli&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"&mdash;Jah," finished Susan. "Yes, Mrs.
+Lathrop, Elijah's sick! He was sick all
+night an' all this mornin', an' I may in confidence
+remark as I hope this'll be a lesson
+to him to never do it again, for I've got
+a feelin' in my legs as 'll bear me out in
+lettin' him or any one else die afore I'll
+ever work again like I've worked to-day
+an' last night."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Why, what&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Did n't you see young Dr. Brown?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I supposed so," said Susan, resignedly;
+"I know your ways, Mrs. Lathrop,
+an' I never look for any other ways in you.
+It's good as I don't, for if I did I'd be blind
+from lookin' an' not seein'. I know you,
+Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know your ways, an'
+I realize to the full how different they are
+from me an' my ways, but a friend is a
+friend an' what can't be endured has got
+to be cured, so I come to tell you about
+Elijah just the same as I do anythin' else
+as is easy heard."</p>
+
+<p>"Is&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, he is n't. That is, he was n't when
+I come out, but he had his pen an' said he
+was goin' to write a editorial sittin' up in
+bed. He can't get out of bed on a'count
+of the sheet, but 'Liza Em'ly's there if he
+wants anythin' so it don't matter if I do
+leave for a little while. She come an'
+offered an' I don't see why she should n't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>
+have a chance to get married the same as
+any other girl, so I set her in the next room
+an' told her not to go near him on no
+a'count, an' naturally there ain't nothin'
+as'll make 'em wilder to talk than for
+Elijah to feel he'd ought to be workin' on
+his editorial an' for 'Liza Em'ly to feel as
+he had n't ought to be spoke to. I don't
+say as I consider Elijah any great catch,
+but if 'Liza Em'ly can find any joy jumpin'
+at him with her mouth open I ain't one to
+deprive her of the hop. Elijah's a very
+fair young man as young men go, an' I
+think any girl as is willin' to do her nine-tenths
+can have a time tryin' to be happy
+with him. If she ain't happy long it won't
+be Elijah's fault for he's just as sure his
+wife 'll be happy as any other man is."</p>
+
+<p>"But about&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that's what I come to tell you.
+He woke me last night, tappin' on my
+door, an' hollered as he had the appendicitis
+on both sides at once."</p>
+
+<p>"On both&mdash;"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"That's what he said. Well, as soon
+as I got awake enough to know as I was n't
+asleep, I knowed he was wrong somehow
+an' I sat up in bed an' hollered back to
+him to take ten sips o' water, hold his
+breath while he counted fifteen, an' go
+back to bed. I was n't calculatin' to get
+up with no two-sided appendicitis in the
+middle o' no night if I could help it, an' I
+knowed anyhow as it was only some of
+them dried apples o' Mr. Kimball's as was
+maybe lodged here an' there in him an'
+no harm done if he'd only let me sleep.</p>
+
+<p>"But, no sir, Elijah had no idea o'
+lettin' me sleep while he set up alone with
+his own two sides. There's suthin' about
+a man, Mrs. Lathrop, as 'll never let him
+suffer in silence if there's any woman to
+be woke up. A man can't be a hero unless
+a woman stands by barefooted with a
+candle, an' he feels a good deal easier
+groanin' if he can hear her sneezin' between
+times. So back come Elijah right off to
+say as I must be up an' doin' or he'd be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>
+dead afore dawn. I was so sound asleep
+I told him to set a mouse trap two times
+afore my senses come to me an' then when
+they did I was mad. I tell you I was <i>good</i>
+an' mad too. I put on my slippers an'
+father's duster as I always keep hangin'
+to my bedpost to slip on or dust with just
+as I feel to need it on or dustin', an' I went
+to Elijah. He was back layin' in bed done
+up in a sort o' ring o' rosy, groanin' an'
+takin' on an' openin' an' shuttin' his eyes
+like he thought he could make me feel
+pleased at bein' woke up. But I was n't
+goin' to feel pleased. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop,
+a stitch in time saves nine, an' I
+hadn't no idea of encouragin' Elijah to
+wake me like that, not while there's maybe
+a chance of me havin' him to board more 'n
+the three months I promised. I saw as I
+was gettin' into the duster as all my comfort
+depended on how I acted right then an'
+there an' I was decided to be firm. I stood
+by the bed an' looked at him hard an' then I
+says to him, I says, 'Well, what did you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span>
+wake me up for?' 'No one ever felt nothin'
+like this,' he says; 'I've got two appendixes
+an' I can feel another comin' in my back.'
+'Elijah,' I said, 'don't talk nonsense.
+You've been an' woke me up an' now I'm
+woke up what do you want me to do?' I
+leaned over him as I said it an' let a little
+hot candle grease drip on his neck an' he
+give a yowl an' straightened out an' then
+give another yowl an' shut up again. 'I'll
+make you some ginger tea,' I says, 'an' put
+a mustard plaster wherever you like best,'
+I says, 'an' then I shall look to be let alone,'
+I says, an' so I went downstairs an' set to
+work. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I made that
+tea an' I bet I made it strong; I put some
+red pepper in it, too, an' poured a little
+mucilage into the plaster, for I may in
+confidence remark as I didn't intend as
+Elijah should ever look forward to wakin'
+me up in the night again. Then I went
+upstairs an' he sit up an' took the whole
+of the cup at one gulp! You never see no
+one so satisfied with nothin' in all your life!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span>
+He fell back like he was shot an' said,
+'Scott, Scott, Scott,' until really I thought
+as he was ravin'. Then I said, 'Where do
+you want the plaster, Elijah?' an' he said,
+'On my throat, I guess.' I says, 'No,
+Elijah, you've waked me up an' wakin'
+me up is nothin' to joke over. You put
+this plaster on an' go to sleep an' don't
+wake me up again unless you feel for more
+tea.' I spoke kind, but he could see as I
+felt firm an' I set the candle down an'
+went back to bed.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think,&mdash;what
+<i>do</i> you think? Seems as Elijah
+was so afraid o' burnin' himself in another
+place that he went an' put the <i>sheet</i> between
+him an' the plaster an' glued himself all
+together. This mornin' when he awoke up
+there he was with the sheet stuck firm to
+him an' I must say I was very far from
+pleased when he hollered to me an' I went
+in an' found him lookin' more like a kite
+than anythin' else an' not able to dress
+'cause he could n't take off his sheet. 'Well,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span>
+Elijah, you <i>have</i> done it now, I guess,' I
+says; 'I never see nothin' the beat o' this.
+If I have to send for young Dr. Brown to
+take that sheet off you, you'll be in the
+papers from the earthquake to Russia an'
+back again.' Well, that was all there was
+to do an' when 'Liza Em'ly come with the
+milk I had to ask her to go up to young Dr.
+Brown's an' ask him to kindly come as
+soon as he could an' amputate Elijah out
+o' bed. He come right after breakfast an'
+he had a time, I tell you! We worked with
+water an' we worked with hot water, we
+tried loosenin' the edges by jerkin' quick
+when Elijah was n't expectin', but it was
+all no use. Dr. Brown said he never see
+such a plaster, he said it'd be a fortune
+for mendin' china. Then we got the dish-pan
+an' tried layin' Elijah face down across
+it an' pilin' books on his back to keep the
+right place in front soakin', but even that
+didn't help. Dr. Brown said in the end
+as he thought the only way maybe would
+be to do all the corners of the sheet up in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span>
+a paper an' let Elijah carry it hugged tight
+to him an' wear father's duster down to
+the crick an' sit in it till he just slowly
+come loose. But Elijah did n't want to go
+bathin' in a duster an' I had a feelin' myself
+as if Meadville heard of it we'd surely
+be very much talked about, so finally Dr.
+Brown said he thought as he'd go home
+an' study up the case, an' I let him go for
+I had my own ideas as to how much he
+knew about what was makin' the trouble.
+So he went an' then I got dinner an' took
+some up to Elijah an' told him jus' what I
+thought of the whole performance. I talked
+kind but I talked firm an' I done a lot of
+good, for he said he did n't know but it
+would be better if he arranged to live with
+the Whites after the Fourth of July 'cause
+he had a feelin' as maybe he was a good
+deal of trouble to me. I told him I hadn't
+a mite of doubt as he was a good deal of
+trouble to me an' then Mrs. Macy come.
+I had to stop talkin' to him an' go down
+an' tell her what was the matter. She said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>
+right off as her idea would be to shut the
+windows, build a big fire an' make Elijah
+jus' work himself loose from the inside
+out. I told her about the mucilage though
+an' then she changed her views an' said I'd
+best fold the sheet neatly an' let him wear
+it till he wore it off next time he growed a
+new skin. Mrs. Macy says she's been told
+we keep sheddin' our skins the same as
+snakes an' that that's really what makes
+our clothes need washin' so often. She
+said the moral was plain as by the time
+the sheet'd need washin' Elijah would shed
+it anyhow. I see the p'int o' what she said
+an' I felt to agree, but while we was talkin'
+Mrs. Sweet come in an' her view was all
+different. She said as Elijah would find
+that sheet a most awful drag on him an'
+to her order o' thinkin' he'd ought to go
+down to where Mr. Kimball makes his
+dried apples an' steam loose in the vat.
+She says he can steam out very fast an' Mr.
+Kimball bein' his uncle 'll naturally let him
+sit in the vat for nothin'."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I don't know," said Susan; "Lucy
+come in while we was sittin' there an' she
+said her view'd be for me just to take a
+firm hold of the sheet an' walk straight out
+of the room without a so much as 'by your
+leave' to Elijah, but I'd be afraid of tearin'
+the sheet if I did that way. An' then
+Gran'ma Mullins came an' her view was
+as I'd best sit an' sop Elijah with a sponge,
+which just shows why Hiram is so tore in
+two between such a mother an' such a
+wife's views."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop again.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Elijah was writin' a editorial when
+I left an' 'Liza Em'ly was lookin' at him an'
+sighin' to talk an' I come over to tell you
+all about it."</p>
+
+<p>Just here a piercing scream was heard
+from across the way.</p>
+
+<p>"My&mdash;" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>Susan sprang to her feet and ran to the
+door; as she opened it Eliza Emily was
+seen flying down the Clegg steps.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"What is it?" screamed Miss Clegg from
+Mrs. Lathrop's steps.</p>
+
+<p>"Elijah dropped his pen," screamed Eliza
+Emily in reply, "an' when he reached for
+it he fell out o' bed an' tore loose."</p>
+
+<p>"Did he tear the sheet any?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, but he thinks he's tore himself."</p>
+
+<p>Miss Clegg began to walk rapidly towards
+her own house.</p>
+
+<p>"You can see I've got to go," she called
+back to her friend over her shoulder; "this
+is what it is to have a man livin' in your
+house, Mrs. Lathrop."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI" id="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE BEGINNING OF THE END</p>
+
+
+<p>As June wore on it became more and
+more apparent that Elijah wore on
+Miss Clegg. She grew less and less mild
+towards his shortcomings and more and
+more severe as to the same.</p>
+
+<p>"He's only&mdash;" Mrs. Lathrop attempted
+to explain to her.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't care if he is," she replied, "it
+says in the Bible as a man is a man for all
+that an' I never was one to go against the
+Bible even if I ain't never felt in conscience
+called to say where Cain an' Abel got
+married, or what it was as the Jews lit out
+from Egypt on a'count of. I tell you what
+it is, Mrs. Lathrop, you've forgotten what
+it is to have a man around your house.
+There's somethin' just about the way a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>
+man eats an' sleeps as gets very aggravatin'
+to any woman after the new's off. I
+begin to see what men invented gettin'
+married for,&mdash;it was so they could kite
+around an' always be sure they had one
+woman safe chained up at home to do their
+cookin' an' washin'. Why, I ain't married
+to Elijah a <i>tall</i>, an' yet just havin' him in
+the house is gettin' me more an' more
+under his thumb every day that he stays
+with me. I feel to stay in the square an'
+I find myself hurryin' home 'cause he likes
+hot biscuits, an' I feel to turn his washstand
+around an' I leave it where it is for
+no better reason than as he likes it where
+it is. It's awful the way a man gets the
+upper hand of a woman! Lord knows I've
+no love for Elijah an' yet I'm caperin'
+upstairs an' downstairs when he ain't in
+a hurry an' tearin' my legs off scamperin'
+when he is, until I declare I feel mad at
+myself&mdash;I certainly do.</p>
+
+<p>"An' now, there he is fallin' in love with
+'Liza Em'ly, the last girl in the world as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span>
+he'd ought to even dream of marryin', an'
+I talk to him an' talk to him, an' tell him
+so, an' tell him so, an' it don't make no
+more impression than when you rub a
+cat behind her ear."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, a cat&mdash;" protested Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, an' so does Elijah. It just tickles
+him half to death to hear 'Liza Em'ly's
+mere name, an' he don't care what any one
+says about her just so long as it's about
+her.</p>
+
+<p>"I see the minister down in the square
+to-day an' I told him my opinion of it all
+right to his face. But the minister didn't
+have no heart for 'Liza Em'ly&mdash;he's too
+used up discussin' what under the sun is to
+be done with Henry Ward Beecher. He
+says it's suthin' just awful about Henry
+Ward Beecher's feelin' for Emma Sweet,
+an' he told me frank an' open as personally
+it's been so terrible easy for him to get
+himself married an' get consequences that
+he can't find nothin' to point his index
+finger into Henry Ward Beecher with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span>
+about this unrequited affection of his for
+Emma. He says as he never knowed as a
+<i>man</i> could have unrequited affection afore
+an' he really seems to feel more'n a little
+hurt over it. He says he can't well see
+how to restrain Henry Ward Beecher an'
+it's town talk as Henry Ward Beecher is
+far past restrainin' himself. I see Polly
+White afterward an' she says it's gospel
+truth as he's took indelible ink an' tattoed
+Emma all over himself, even places where
+he had to do it by guess or a mirror."</p>
+
+<p>"My heavens!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I should say so," said Susan,
+"an' will you only consider, Mrs. Lathrop,
+what Emma Sweet is to be tattoed all over
+any man like that! I like all the Sweets
+an' I like Emma, but it's only in reason as
+I should regard her with a impartial eye,
+an' no impartial eye lookin' her way could
+ever in reason deny as she don't appear
+likely to set no rivers afire. Emma's a
+nice girl, an' if her toes turned out an' her
+teeth turned in I don't say but what she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>
+might go along without bein' noticed in a
+crowd, but with them teeth an' toes all you
+can call her is good-hearted an' you know
+as well as I do as bein' called good-hearted
+is about the meanest thing as anybody
+can ever call anybody else. Folks in this
+world never call any one good-hearted unless
+they can't find nothin' else good to say
+of 'em, for it stands to reason as any sensible
+person'd rather have anythin' else about
+'em good before their heart, for it's way
+inside an' largely guesswork what it is
+anyhow.</p>
+
+<p>"They say as Mrs. Sweet says as even
+though Emma's her own child, still she can't
+see no reason for Henry Ward Beecher's
+March-haredness. She says Emma's best
+p'ints is her gettin' up early an' the way
+she puts her whole soul into washin' an'
+bread-kneadin', but she says Henry Ward
+Beecher ain't sensible enough to appreciate
+good p'ints like those. She says she's
+talked to Emma an' any one with half a
+eye can see as it ain't Emma as needs the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span>
+talkin' to. She says Emma says as the
+way he hangs onto her goin' home from
+choir practice is enough to pull her patience
+all out of proportion. She says Emma
+says she'd as soon have a garter-snake
+seein' her home, an' doin' itself up in rings
+around her all the while, an' Mrs. Sweet
+says any one as has ever seen Emma seein'
+a garter-snake would consider Henry Ward
+Beecher's chances as very slim after a
+remark like that.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Kimball says he wishes he had n't
+took him into his store just now; he says
+no young man ain't got a call to the grocery
+trade when he's in a state of heart as won't
+let him hear the call o' the man as owns
+the business, an' Mr. Kimball says when
+he fell into the vat where he was stirrin'
+up his dried apples, Henry Ward Beecher
+never heard one single holler as he gave&mdash;not
+one single solitary holler did that boy
+hear, an' Mr. Kimball 'most had a real
+city Turkish bath as a result. Why, he
+told me as he was in the vat for nigh on to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span>
+a hour afore Elijah heard him from the
+other side, an' he says as a consequence he
+ain't very much took with havin' a clerk
+as is in love. He says too as only to see
+Henry Ward Beecher tryin' to pour through
+a funnel when any member o' the Sweet
+family is walkin' by on the other side of
+the square is enough to make him as owns
+what's bein' spilt wish as Henry Ward
+Beecher's father had gone unrequited too.
+Mrs. Macy come in while we was talkin'
+an' she said it was too bad as Emma wasn't
+smarter, 'cause if Emma was smarter Henry
+Ward Beecher'd jus' suit her. Mrs. Macy
+says the trouble is as Emma's too smart
+to be willin' to marry a fool an' not quite
+smart enough to be willin' to. Mrs. Macy
+says as Mr. Fisher was just such another
+an' Mrs. Fisher jumped for him like a duck
+at a bug."</p>
+
+<p>"Did&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Susan, "but Gran'ma Mullins
+did. Gran'ma Mullins is always nothin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span>
+but glad to have a chance to shake her
+head an' wipe her eyes over any one's love-makin'.
+She come in to wait a little 'cause
+Lucy wanted to dust an' she says she ain't
+got no strength to stay in the house while
+Lucy dusts; she says it lays Hiram out on
+the sofa every time regular an' sometimes
+it gives him the toothache. She says she
+an' Hiram never know when they 're dirty
+a'cordin' to Lucy's way o' thinkin' but,
+Heaven help 'em, they always know when
+they're clean a'cordin' to Lucy's idea of
+bein' clean. She says Lucy is that kind
+as takes one of her hairpins an' goes down
+on her knees an' scratches out the last bit
+of dirt as the Lord hath mercifully seen
+fit to allow to settle in His cracks. You
+can see as Gran'ma Mullins has suffered!
+She says it's a hard thing to bear, but
+Hiram grins an' she bears an' their pride
+helps 'em out.</p>
+
+<p>"While we was talkin' Emma come by for
+the mail an' we see Henry Ward Beecher's
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span>face just hoverin' madly over the breakfast-food
+display in Mr. Kimball's window. Mr.
+Jilkins was in town buyin' a rake an' he
+waited to see what would happen. Judge
+Fitch was there too an' Polly White. We
+all had our eyes fixed on Henry Ward
+Beecher an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as I
+never got so tired waitin' for nothin'."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Love affairs is terrible tame to lookers-on,
+I think. If they get over it your time's
+wasted an' if they don't get over it the
+time's wasted all around. My own opinion is
+as all love affairs is a very foolish kind o'
+business, for you never find real sensible
+folks havin' anythin' to do with 'em. But
+it was no use talkin' that to-day, so Henry
+Ward Beecher hung up there on the breakfast
+foods, an' we sat an' watched him
+like combination cats till long about five
+Johnny come by an' said as Mr. Sperrit
+had took Emma home with them to tea."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop, impulsively.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know why not," said Susan,
+"my own opinion is as he's a idiot&mdash;"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Sper&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No, Henry Ward Beecher. It's always
+struck me as a very strange thing as we
+had n't got one single idiot in this community
+an' I guess the real truth is as
+we've had one all the time an' did n't
+know him by sight. There's a idiot most
+everywhere till he gets the idea into his
+head to kill some one an' so gives others the
+idea as he's safer shut up, an' so it ain't
+surprisin' our havin' one too. I see Mrs.
+Brown on my way home an' I asked her
+if she did n't think as I was right. She
+said she would n't be surprised if it was
+true, an' it was very odd as she'd never
+thought o' it before, recollectin' her experience
+with him years ago when she had
+him that time as the minister went to
+the Sperrits' on his vacation. She went
+on to say then as to her order o' thinkin'
+Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit come pretty close to
+bein' idiots themselves, for she says she
+don't know she's sure what ails 'em but
+they've been married years now an' is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>
+still goin' round as beamin' as two full
+moons. She says it ain't anythin' to talk
+of in public but actually to see 'em drivin'
+back from market sometimes most makes
+her wish as she was n't a widow, an' she
+says anythin' as'd make her sorry she's a
+widow had n't ought to be goin' round loose
+in a Christian town. She was very much
+in earnest an' Mrs. Fisher overtook us just
+then an' she said it all over again to her an'
+she said more, too&mdash;she said as the way
+she looks at him in church is all right an'
+really nothin' but a joy to look on afore
+marriage, but she don't consider it hardly
+decent afterwards for it's deludin' an' can't
+possibly be meant in earnest. She says
+she was married, an' her son is married,
+an' her father was married, too, an' you
+can't tell her that the way Mr. an' Mrs.
+Sperrit go on isn't suthin' pretty close to
+idiocy even if it ain't the whole thing."</p>
+
+<p>"You&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop."</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Fisher said," continued Susan,
+"as she thought maybe she got used to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span>
+lookin' pleasant at him in all them years
+as she kept house for him afore he made
+up his mind to get married to her, an' so
+the habit kind of is on her an' what's dyed
+in the wool keeps on stickin' to Mr. Sperrit.
+She said as they do say as he married her
+'cause he wanted her bedroom to hang up
+corn to dry in. She went on to say as for
+her part she always enjoyed seein' the
+Sperrits so happy for it done any one good
+to only look at 'em an' that she'd only be
+too happy to be a idiot herself if it'd do
+any human bein' good to look at her an'
+Mr. Fisher afterwards. She went on to
+say as she'd heard as the other night Mr.
+Sperrit drove two miles back in the rain
+'cause he'd forgot a cake o' sapolio as she'd
+asked him to bring. I spoke up at that an'
+I said I did n't see nothin' very surprisin'
+in that, for I know if I asked any man as
+I was married to to bring home a cake o'
+sapolio I should most surely look to see
+the cake when he come home."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I know; but you always spoiled him,"
+said Susan. "Well, what was I sayin'?
+Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown said as Mrs. Macy
+was tellin' her the other day as they've
+got a idiot in Meadville&mdash;a real hereditary
+one; the doctors have all studied him
+an' it's a clear case right down from his
+great-grandfather."</p>
+
+<p>"His great&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Grandfather," said Susan. "Yes, Mrs.
+Lathrop, that is how it was, an' Mrs. Macy
+says it's really so, for she see the tombstones
+all but the mother's&mdash;hers ain't
+done yet. Seems the idiocy come from
+the great-grandfather's stoppin' on the
+train crossin' to pick up a frog 'cause he
+was runnin' for suthin' in connection with
+the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
+to Animals."</p>
+
+<p>"The frog!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, the great-grandfather. Seems he
+never stopped to consider as what'd kill a
+frog would be sure to hit him, an' Mrs.
+Macy says the doctors said as that was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span>
+one very strong piece o' evidence against
+the family brains right at the start, but
+she says he really was smarter than they
+thought, for the Society for the Prevention
+of Cruelty to Animals paid for the funeral
+an' for the grandmother's, too."</p>
+
+<p>"The grand&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"&mdash;Mother's," said Susan. "Yes, seems
+the railway track was their back fence an'
+she'd always begged an' prayed him at
+the top o' her voice not to go to town that
+way, but he would n't listen 'cause he was
+stone-deaf an' then besides like all that
+kind he always pretended not to hear what
+he did n't want to. But anyhow she was
+in the garden an' she see the train an' she
+tried to get to him, an' whether she broke
+a blood vessel yellin' or contracted heart
+disease hoppin' up an' down, anyway she
+fell over right then an' there an' it would
+have been copied in all the newspapers all
+over the country even if the mother&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The moth&mdash;" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Er," said Susan. "Yes, seems she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span>
+heard the yell an' run to the window so
+quick she knocked the stick out as held
+it up an' it come down on her head. So,
+you see the idiocy come right straight down
+in the family of the idiot for three generations
+afore him."</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't sure," said Mrs. Lathrop,
+thoughtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't either," said Susan; "Mrs. Macy
+says, she was n't either. No one in Meadville
+never was."</p>
+
+<p>"An' yet&mdash;" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, as to that," said Susan, "that's
+altogether another kind o' idiot. Henry
+Ward Beecher won't die of his love even if
+Emma won't have him, an' they'll both
+always be the better an' happier for not
+havin' one another, if they only knew it.
+It's mighty easy to love folks an' think
+how happy you'd always be with 'em as
+long as you don't marry 'em. It's marryin'
+'em an' livin' in the house with 'em as
+shows you how hard it is to be really married.
+I thank Heaven I'm only livin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span>
+in the house with Elijah an' not married
+to him, so I can see my way ahead to gettin'
+rid of him in a little while now. You don't
+know how I ache to draw the curtains of
+his room an' pin up the bed an' pour the
+water out of his pitcher an' set a mouse
+trap in there an' just know it is n't goin'
+to be mussed up again."</p>
+
+<p>Susan sighed deeply.</p>
+
+<p>"How long&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"I said three months," said Miss Clegg,
+"an' that takes it over the Fourth of July.
+My heavens alive, seems some days as if
+I could n't but just live, an' the meanest
+thing about a man is, he's so dead sure
+as he makes you happy, bein' around the
+house."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII" id="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII</h2>
+
+<p class="center">AN OLD-FASHIONED FOURTH</p>
+
+
+<p>"Well, Elijah seems to have hit the
+nail on its foot instead of its head
+this time," said Miss Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop
+on the noon of the Sunday before the
+Fourth of July; "that editorial of his in
+this week's paper ain't suitin' any one a <i>tall</i>.
+I was down in the square yesterday an'
+everybody as was there was talkin' about
+it, an' to-day after church everybody was
+still talkin' about it, an' gettin' more mad
+all the time."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"The one about the celebration as he
+printed in this week's paper," replied her
+friend; "they was for discussin' nothin'
+else after church to-day, an' one an' all is
+dead set against the way as Elijah says.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span>
+Them as has bought their fireworks ain't
+pleased, of course, an' Mr. Kimball says
+as he considers that Elijah had ought to
+of consulted him afore he printed such a
+article in the hind part of a uncle's store
+that had just laid in a new supply of two
+pounds of punk alone. Mr. Kimball says
+as he'd planned a window display o' cannon
+crackers pointin' all ways out of a fort
+built o' his new dried apples an' now here's
+Elijah comin' out in Saturday's paper for
+an old-fashioned Fourth o' July without
+no firecrackers a <i>tall</i>. Mr. Kimball says
+he thinks Elijah ought to remember whose
+nephew he is an' show some family feelin';
+he says punk is a thing as can never be
+worked off in no bargain lot of odds an'
+ends, an' he says his own Fourth o' July is
+spoiled now anyway just by the shock of
+the worry 'cause he can't be sure how
+folks is goin' to be affected until the effect
+is over, an' the Fourth o' July'll be over
+mighty quick this year. 'T ain't like they
+had most a week to calm down from Elijah's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span>
+new idea&mdash;they ain't got but just Monday
+to decide an' buy their fireworks, too.</p>
+
+<p>"Judge Fitch says he can't quite make
+out what Elijah meant by callin' for patriotic
+speeches; he says he's willin' to
+make a speech any day, but he says no
+one ever wants to stop poppin' long enough
+to listen to a speech on the Fourth o' July.
+He says too as it's very hard to get a still
+crowd that day 'cause people are afraid to
+get absorbed listenin' for fear suthin' may
+go off under 'em while they ain't keepin'
+watch. Mr. Dill said that was true, 'cause
+he had a personal experience that way in
+his own dog; he says that dog would of
+made a fine hunter only some one throwed a
+torpedo at him one Fourth o' July, when
+he was lookin' under a sidewalk, an' after
+that that dog almost had a fit if a sparrow
+chirped quick behind him. Mr. Dill said
+he tried to cure him by stuffin' cotton in
+his ears an' keepin' a cloth tied neatly
+around his head, but then he read in the
+paper about some deaf German as when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span>
+he played the piano always listened with
+his teeth, an' he said that just made him
+empty the cotton right out of the dog an'
+give up.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Macy says what she wants to know
+is what's Elijah tryin' to get at anyhow.
+She says she always thought a barbecue
+was a kind of cake an' she did n't know
+white folks ever could lift their legs that
+high, even if they felt to want to. She says
+the idea of its bein' suthin' to eat in the
+woods is surely most new to her an' she
+ain't sure she wants to eat in the woods
+anyhow. She says there's always flies an'
+mosquitoes in the woods an' she's passed
+the age o' likin' to drop down anywhere,
+an' jump up any time, years ago. As for
+cookin' in the woods she says that part of
+Elijah's editorial is too much for every one.
+She says she never hear of roastin' a ox
+whole in a pit in her life; she says how is
+the ox to be got into the pit an' what's to
+cook him while he's in there an' when he's
+cooked how's he to be got out again to eat?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span>
+She says she thinks Elijah has got a ox an'
+a clam mixed in his mind, an' a pit an' a pile.
+She says she knows they cook clams in piles
+on the seashore, 'cause she's heard so from
+people as has been there, an' besides she
+seen a picture of one once.</p>
+
+<p>"Gran'ma Mullins came up an' she's most
+awful troubled over the ox, too. She says
+Hiram is got such a name for bein' strong
+now that she just knows as they'll expect
+him to put that ox into the pit when they're
+ready to cook him, an' then lift him out
+again when he's done. She says it's gettin'
+too terrible about Hiram, every time as
+somebody fat dies anywhere or there's a
+piano to move or a barn to get up on jack-screws
+they send right for Hiram to be one
+o' the pallbearers an' give him the heaviest
+corner. Why, she says the other day when
+that refrigerator came for Polly White
+they unloaded it right onto Hiram from
+the train, an' not a soul dreamed as there
+was shot packed in both sides of it to save
+rates, until poor Hiram set it down to put<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span>
+it on the other shoulder. She says too,
+as she can't well see how a ox can be roasted
+whole anyway; she says it'll be a awful
+job gettin' his hair singed off in the first
+place, an' she just knows they'll expect
+Hiram to hold him an' twirl him while
+he's singein'. Then, too, she says as the
+whole of a ox don't want to be roasted
+anyhow. The tongue has to be boiled an'
+the liver has to be sliced an' the calves'
+brains has to be breaded an' dipped in egg,
+an' after he's roasted an' Hiram has got him
+out o' the pit, who's to skin him then, she'd
+like to know, for you can't tell her as anybody
+can eat rawhide, even if it is cooked.</p>
+
+<p>"Deacon White come up, an' he said he
+an' Polly would bring their own lunch an'
+their own pillow an' blanket an' hammock
+an' look on, 'cause Polly wanted to see the
+fun an' they were n't intendin' to have
+any fireworks anyhow. He said he was
+curious about the ox himself; he said he
+wondered where they'd get the ox, an' the
+pit, too, for that matter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"He said he wanted it distinctly understood
+as he an' Polly'd bring their own
+lunch an' neither borrow nor lend. He
+said that rule would apply to the pillow
+an' the blanket an' the hammock, the same
+as to the lunch. There was some talk
+after he was gone on how terrible close he
+an' Polly are both gettin'. Seems kind of
+funny, to be so savin' when you ain't got
+nobody to save for, but the Whites an'
+Allens was always funny an' what's bred
+in the flesh always sticks the bones out
+somewhere, as we all know.</p>
+
+<p>"The minister come up an' he said as
+it says in the Bible as when the ox is in
+the pit every one must join in an' help him
+out, so he shall do his part an' bring all
+his family with him. But he said he must
+remark as to his order of thinkin' a ox
+struck him as a most singular way to commemorate
+the day our forefathers fought
+an' bled over. He says he should have
+thought a service o' song an' a much to be
+desired donation towards <ins class="correction" title="Transcriber's note: typo for cleanin'">cleainin'</ins> out his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span>
+cistern would have been a more fittin' way
+to spend the glorious Fourth in, than fixin'
+a ox in a pit an' tryin' to bake him there.
+He says he don't think it can be done anyhow,
+he says a ox ain't no chestnut to stick
+in the ashes till he bounces out cooked o'
+his own accord.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Fisher says she sha'n't have nothin'
+to do with any of it; they're all goin' to
+the city, an' Mr. Fisher is goin' to a lecture
+on that Russian that his country wants to
+amalgamate for suthin' he's done; an' she
+an' John Bunyan is goin' to the Hippodrome.
+They want to see the girl turn
+upside down in the automobile an' Mrs.
+Fisher says she can hear about the ox
+when she comes back.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Brown says they sha'n't go, 'cause
+young Dr. Brown's afraid o' microbes in
+the woods. He's goin' to disinfect everythin'
+with that new smell he's invented
+the day before the Fourth, an' then they're
+goin' to have huckleberry biscuit an' watermelon
+an' just spend a quiet day waitin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span>
+for any accidents as may maybe come
+along. Mrs. Brown says young Dr. Brown is
+always hopin' for another railroad smash-up
+like that one that came while he was away
+studyin'. She says it always seems too
+bad it couldn't have come a year later,
+when he was just back with that handsome
+brand new set of doctor's knives an' forks
+as he got for a prize." Susan paused.</p>
+
+<p>"Shall you&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I sha'n't. I ain't interested in the
+Fourth o' July. I never had nothin' to do
+with it in the beginnin' an' I ain't never
+had nothin' to do with it since. My own
+idea's always been as the Boston people
+was very foolish to go throwin' their tea
+overboard sooner'n buy stamps. We all buy
+stamps now an' no one thinks o' fussin'
+over it, an' I guess we do a lot other things
+as we'd never of had to do if we'd kept
+our tea an' our mouths shut in the beginnin'.
+They say tea is very cheap in England an'
+very good, too, an' heaven knows nothin'
+is cheap with us. Elijah says if it wasn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span>
+for his uncle he'd take a strong stand on
+a low tariff, but my goodness, it looks to
+me like he'd better not meddle with the
+tariff&mdash;he's set the town by the ears
+enough with his ox. I had a long talk
+with him last night about the whole thing.
+I don't know, I'm sure, how Elijah ever is
+goin' to get on without me, for I certainly
+do talk to him enough to keep him in ideas
+right straight along. I was very kind last
+night&mdash;but I was firm, too. In the end
+I broke him down completely an' he told
+me as he never meant it that way a <i>tall</i>.
+He says he only drew a picture o' what the
+Fourth o' July was in olden times. But
+this town ain't good on pictures, we take
+things right up by the handle an' deal with
+'em a'cordin'."</p>
+
+<p>"But&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, of course not," said Susan, "but
+they can take him up by the tail an' horns,
+can't they?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII" id="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII</h2>
+
+<p class="center">CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE DAY</p>
+
+
+<p>"Well," said Miss Clegg to her friend
+the Sunday after the Fourth, "I'm
+thankful to say as the game is up to-morrow
+an' Elijah moves out of my house. We
+never had no Fourth o' July like this afore
+an' every one is prayin' as we'll never have
+such another again. It was really very
+peaceful in church this mornin' an' the collection
+was thirty-two cents, so that shows
+as folks is beginnin' to take heart again, but
+you could see as they was all nervous an'
+even the minister kept lookin' anxiously out
+of the window whenever he thought as he
+heard a noise. Mr. Weskin says he thinks
+a house catchin' fire from bein' disinfected
+comes under some head as lets the insurance
+get paid anyhow an' he says if not he'll take<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span>
+the case for the Browns on even halves for
+his heart is full o' sympathy for 'em. The
+Browns was in church themselves to-day,
+all but Amelia, an' I had the story from
+them straight for the first time. Young
+Dr. Brown says he can't understand any of
+it; he says the stuff must be stirred in a
+barrel for two hours without stoppin' an'
+he says he'll let any man breathe a suspicion
+as his mother stopped after he once
+set her at it! Mrs. Brown says she did n't
+stop neither, she says when she could n't
+move her arms any more for love or money,
+she stuck the broomstick through her belt
+an' sat on the edge o' the barrel an' kept
+the stuff stirrin' so. They poured in the
+acid right after breakfast, an' then Dr.
+Brown wanted the test to be thorough, so
+they put a live fly in each room, shut the
+doors between, shut all the windows, took
+the silver out on the lawn, an' then threw
+a match into the barrel an' run out the
+coal cellar door.</p>
+
+<p>"Amelia is up at her father's an' ain't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span>
+able to speak of it yet, but Mrs. Brown
+says her own view of it will always be as it
+was a explosion. She says as she can't see
+how you could call it anythin' else in the
+world. She says they was all sittin' in the
+arbor an' Amelia was just gettin' into the
+hammock an' Dr. Brown was just beginnin'
+on the King o' Spain's honeymoon in the
+paper, with a picture of a bullfight to
+illustrate it, when she heard such a noise
+as she never will forget again in all her
+life to come. She says her first thought
+was as Amelia had bu'st the hammock,
+for she says she tries to be kind to the
+bosom wife of her chosen son, but Amelia
+is surely most awful hard on anythin' as
+you get in an' out of, but then she heard
+the second noise, an' she says to her dyin'
+day she won't be able to swear to nothin'
+but as she thought it was San Francisco
+quakin' right in our very middle. Why,
+she says, she never for one second doubted
+as it was a earthquake. The canary-bird
+cage come sailin' out o' the dinin'-room<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span>
+window, all the chimneys went down with
+a crash, an' Amelia give one yell an' fainted.
+Mrs. Brown says she an' young Dr. Brown
+did n't really know which way to turn for
+a minute. They could n't seem to think
+whether their first duty was to shake
+Amelia or run around to the front of the
+house. The windows was blowin' out as
+fast as they could an' the most awful
+smellin' smoke you ever smelt was pourin'
+out after them! She said the smell was
+bad enough when she was stirrin' the stuff
+in the barrel, but exploded, it was just
+beyond all belief. In the end they left
+Amelia an' run 'round behind the house an'
+if there was n't all the kitchen stove lids
+comin' bangin' out at 'em an' all the feathers
+from the pillows just rainin' down like
+snow! They run aroun' to the side an'
+there was Amelia's sheets o' music all over
+the lawn an' jars o' pickles with the glass
+lids gone, an' jelly tumblers an' weddin'
+gold-rimmed china, an' in front an' on top
+of all else if the fire did n't bu'st out!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Dr. Brown run for the fire engine then
+an' every one was at home gettin' ready
+for the picnic an' there wa'n't no one down
+town a <i>tall</i>. He was all of ten minutes
+findin' any one an' when he found him it
+was only Mr. Shores, an' Mrs. Brown says
+as gettin' out a fire engine with Mr. Shores
+an' your house burnin' is suthin' as she
+trusts will never be her lot again. She says
+Mr. Shores would n't lay hold o' the engine
+till after the cover was folded up neatly
+an' then he wanted to dust the wheels afore
+runnin' it out. Then after it was run out
+an' got to the house, if there wa'n't no hose,
+an' Dr. Brown had to run away back to the
+engine house for the hose an' while he was
+runnin' he met John Bunyan runnin' too
+an' John Bunyan told him as the hose was
+kept coiled up in the part as sticks up
+behind the engine like a can. So they run
+back together an' got it out an' run with
+it to the well an' Dr. Brown was so excited
+he dropped the hose in the well. Mrs.
+Brown says she was nigh too mad by this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span>
+time with the house explodin' all over
+again every few minutes an' things as you
+never have around comin' sailin' out o'
+the windows right in people's faces when
+they was only there to be neighborly an'
+look on. She was runnin' back an' forth
+an' explainin' as it was n't for want o'
+stirrin', for she stirred it herself, when
+Sam Duruy come runnin' an' seems there's
+always another hose tied up under the
+engine an' he unhooked that an' John
+Bunyan built a fire in the hole for fire while
+they fixed the new hose in the cistern, but
+oh my, the house was too far gone to be
+saved by that time. So they pumped
+some on Amelia just to try the hose, an'
+then they helped pick up the things as
+was blowed out of the windows. Mrs.
+Brown says it was all most awful an' she
+knows from her son's face as he thinks it
+was all because she stopped stirrin' sometimes
+durin' the two hours an' she declares
+with tears as she never stopped stirrin'
+once&mdash;not <i>once</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Fisher says the way people is sick
+from the smell shows as all the flies they
+put in the rooms must of surely been killed,
+so the experiment's a success in one way
+at least. Mrs. Fisher walked part way
+home with me an' we had a nice talk about
+the Browns. She says the Browns is most
+amusin' always in the ways they use flies;
+she says when young Dr. Brown was little,
+Mrs. Brown used to put a fly in the sugar-box
+when she went down to the square
+for things so she could tell when she come
+back whether he'd been at the sugar, an'
+so let the fly out. She says young Dr.
+Brown cured her o' that happy thought
+by takin' the fly out himself when she was
+down town one time an' puttin' a mad
+bee in instead. She says she guesses Dr.
+Brown has given her many a little lesson
+like that or he'd never be able to keep
+her stirrin' anythin' as smells for two
+hours."</p>
+
+<p>"Where&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the Fitches took Amelia an' her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span>
+husband of course an' Mrs. Brown is goin'
+over to Meadville to-morrow. Mrs. Macy
+says maybe old Dr. Carter will marry her
+now as she ain't got any house to be attached
+to. I don't see why that would n't be a
+good end for Mrs. Brown, she can step right
+into Mrs. Carter's shoes&mdash;an' her clothes,
+too, for that matter, for he never give away
+a thing when she died. Yes, he did, too,
+though, she wanted her nieces to have a
+souvenir an' he give one the waist an' the
+other the skirt to the same dress, but Mrs.
+Fisher says what he would n't give away
+to no man for love or money was all her
+union underwear for winter. Seems she
+always wore the best an' finest, an' when
+she died Dr. Carter said he'd keep all them
+union suits an' wear 'em out himself."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, an' I would n't either," said Miss
+Clegg; "there would n't be no comfort
+marryin' a man whose first wife could n't
+call even her union suits her own after she
+died, not to my order of thinkin'."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Was&mdash;" asked her friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, the picnic?" said Susan, "no, that
+was n't a success a <i>tall</i>. They spread the
+tablecloth over a flyin' ant nest in the
+first place an' Mrs. Macy says shad bones
+is nothin' to the pickin' out as they had
+to do while eatin' as a consequence. She
+says they very soon found out as they was
+under a wood-tick tree too, an' the children
+run into a burr-patch after dinner. The
+minister tried to teach the twins to fish
+an' the bank caved in with 'em all three,
+an' the minister had to go all the way home
+that way. Gran'ma Mullins got a gnat
+in her eye an' Hiram walked way back to
+town for a flaxseed to put in it to get the
+gnat out, an' crossin' the bridge he sneezed
+an' the flaxseed just disappeared completely,
+an' Lucy would n't let him go
+back again, so all she could do was to keep
+a-rubbin' till finally she rubbed it out. Mr.
+Dill climbed up a tree to show as he could
+still climb up a tree an' a branch broke an'
+tore him so bad he had to walk home with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span>
+the minister,&mdash;I guess every one's glad
+the Fourth's over."</p>
+
+<p>"How's&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Elijah? Oh, he went to town for the
+day. He says it's him for town when
+there 's anythin' goin' on in the country.
+He come back lookin' like he'd really enjoyed
+himself, but I was afraid he was
+goin' to have a fever at first he talked so
+queer in his sleep that night an' began all
+his sentences with 'Here's to&mdash;' an' then
+stopped in a most curious way. I was very
+much relieved when I see him come downstairs
+the next mornin', only his appetite
+ain't what it was yet."</p>
+
+<p>"May&mdash;" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I don't think so. There ain't any
+one for him to be in love with anyhow
+unless it's 'Liza Em'ly. He's really too
+smart for any girl in this community an'
+he ain't got a single picture among his
+things nor a letter as I don't know who
+wrote it. I thought at first as he used to
+call 'Annie' in his sleep the nights after<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span>
+we have dumplin's, but it ain't 'Annie'
+he says; it's 'Aunty,' an' heaven knows
+a aunt never broke no man's heart yet."</p>
+
+<p>Susan rose to go home.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm glad the Fourth's over, anyway,"
+she said as she took up her parasol and
+mitts. "I think it's always a great strain
+on the country, but even if no one never
+likes it nor enjoys it, I suppose we must
+keep on havin' it with us year after year,
+for Elijah says as, as a nation, we're so
+proud o' bein' ahead o' everythin' an'
+everybody, that we'll die afore we'll go on
+one step further. He says what's one day
+o' terror a year beside the idea as we're
+free to do as we please. Gran'ma Mullins
+says all she can say is as she thanks God
+for every Fourth o' July as leaves Hiram
+whole, for he's the only apple she's got for
+her eye an' she'd go stark ravin' mad if
+anythin' was to tear him apart in the dream
+of his youth."</p>
+
+<p>"Did&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, I can't stop to see if I did or
+did n't now," said Miss Clegg; "to-night's
+my last evenin' with Elijah an' I told him
+to be sure an' be home early. We'll try
+an' part pleasantly even though I should
+be mighty mad at him if I thought as he
+was half as glad to go as I am to get rid of
+him. I don't like the ways of a man in the
+house, Mrs. Lathrop,&mdash;they seem to act
+like they thought you enjoyed havin' 'em
+around. I can't see where they ever got
+the idea in the first place, but it certainly
+does seem to stick by 'em most wonderful."</p>
+
+<p>"There&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>Susan turned her head.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that's him comin'," she said;
+"well, now I must go, Mrs. Lathrop. I'll
+come over to-morrow an' tell you when I'm
+free of him, bag an' baggage."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I do, too," said Miss Clegg, "but
+you see I said for three months an' the
+three months ain't up till to-morrow."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIX" id="CHAPTER_XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX</h2>
+
+<p class="center">EXIT THE MAN OUT OF SUSAN CLEGG'S HOUSE</p>
+
+
+<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss
+Clegg, coming over the evening
+after, weary but triumphant, "Elijah is
+gone an' I tell you I'll never be too tender-hearted
+for my own good again. I won't
+say but what it was me an' nobody else as
+brought him down on my own head, but
+I must fully an' freely state as it's certainly
+been me an' no one else as has had to hold
+my own head up under him. An' he <i>has</i>
+been a load!</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Mrs. Lathrop, do you know that
+man's stockin's alone has took me about one
+mornin' a week, an' as to buttons&mdash;well, I
+never knew a editor could bu'st 'em off so
+fast. An' as to puttin' away what he took
+off, or foldin' back things into the drawer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span>
+where they belongs, why, a monkey swingin'
+upside down by his tail is busy carefully
+keepin' house compared to Elijah Doxey.</p>
+
+<p>"I never see such a man afore! If
+Hiram's anythin' like him I don't blame
+Lucy for battin' him about as she does.
+I did n't suppose such ways could be lived
+with in oneself. An' that table where he
+wrote! Well! I tell you I've got it cleared
+off to-night an' my clean curtains folded off
+on it, an' no man never sets foot on it again,
+I can tell you <i>that</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"I won't say as it wa'n't a little tryin'
+gettin' him off to-day an' I did feel to feel
+real sober while I was hangin' his mattress
+back to the rafters in the attic, but when I
+remembered as I'd never see them bedclothes
+kicked out at the foot again I
+cheered up amazin'. Mrs. Brown come
+in just afore supper an' she seemed to
+think it was some queer as I was n't goin'
+to miss Elijah, but I told her she did n't
+know me. 'Mrs. Brown,' I says, 'your son
+was a doctor an' you can't be expected to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span>
+know what it is to board a editor, so once
+bit, soonest mended. She's mournin' over
+her burnt house yet, so she could n't really
+feel to sympathize with me, but I had n't
+time to stop an' mourn with her,&mdash;I was
+too busy packin' away Elijah's toilet set.</p>
+
+<p>"He got a good deal of ink around the
+room, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I shall make Mr.
+Kimball give me a bottle of ink-remover
+free, seein' as he's his nephew; but I
+don't see as he done any other real damage.
+I looked the room over pretty sharp an'
+I can't find nothin' wrong with it. I shall
+burn a sulphur candle in there to-morrow
+an' then wash out the bureau drawers an'
+I guess then as the taste of Elijah'll be
+pretty well out of my mouth.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sure I don't know what we're
+comin' to as to men, Mrs. Lathrop, for I
+must say they seem more extra in the world
+every day. Most everythin' as they do
+the women is able to do better now, an'
+women is so willin' to be pleasant about it,
+too. Not as Elijah was n't pleasant&mdash;I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span>
+never see a more pleasant young man, but
+he had a way of comin' in with muddy
+boots an' a smile on his face as makes me
+nothin' but glad as he's left my house an'
+gone to Polly White's."</p>
+
+<p>"Won't you&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I won't,&mdash;not if I know myself.
+I ain't never been lonesome afore in my
+life an' I ain't goin' to begin now. Bein'
+lonesome is very fine for them as keeps a
+girl to do their work, but I have to slave
+all day long if there's anybody but me
+around the house, an' I don't like to slave.
+I guess Elijah's expectin' to be lonesome
+though, for he asked me if I'd mind his
+comin' up an' talkin' over the Personal
+column with me sometimes. I could see
+as he was more'n a little worried over how
+under the sun he was goin' to run the
+paper without me. As a matter of fact,
+Mrs. Lathrop, I've been the main stay of
+that paper right from the first. Not to
+speak o' boardin' the editor, I've supplied
+most o' the brains as run it. You know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span>
+as I never am much of a talker, but I did
+try to keep Elijah posted as to how things
+was goin' on an' the feelin' as no matter
+what I said, it was him an' not me as
+would be blamed if there was trouble,
+always kept up my courage. There's a
+many nights as I've kept him at his work
+an' a many others as I've held him down
+to it. Elijah has n't been a easy young
+man to manage, I can tell you."</p>
+
+<p>Susan stopped and sighed.</p>
+
+<p>"I like to think how he's goin' to miss me
+now," she said, "I made him awful comfortable.
+Polly'll never do all the little things
+as I did. It's a great satisfaction when a
+man leaves your house, Mrs. Lathrop, to
+know as he'll be bound to wish himself
+back there many an' many time."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I'll find plenty to do," said Susan
+Clegg, "it ain't made a mite of difference
+in my life. I shall go on livin' just the
+same as ever. Nothin's changed for me
+just because for three months I had a man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span>
+in the house. I ain't even altered my
+general views o' men any, for land knows
+Elijah wa'n't so different from the rest of
+them that he could teach me much as is new.
+I ain't never intended to get married anyway,
+so he ain't destroyed my ideals none,
+an' I told Mr. Kimball when I took him
+as I'd agree to keep him three months an'
+I would n't agree for love or money to keep
+him any longer, an' I've kept him for three
+months an' no love or money could of made
+me keep him a day longer."</p>
+
+<p>"Did n't you&mdash;" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, yes, I liked him," said Susan,
+"there were spots durin' the time when I
+felt to be real fond of him, but laws, that
+did n't make me want to have him around
+any more than I had to. But you know
+as well as I do that a woman can like a
+man very much an' still be happiest when
+she ain't got him on her hands to fuss with.
+I was n't built to fuss, Mrs. Lathrop, as
+you know to your cost, for if I had been
+I'd of been over here two days a week<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span>
+tidyin' up out of pure friendship, for the
+last twenty years. But no, I ain't like
+that&mdash;never was an' never will be&mdash;an'
+I ain't one to go pitchin' my life hither an'
+yon an' dancin' wildly first on one leg an'
+then the other from dawn to dusk for other
+people. Elijah's come an' Elijah's gone an'
+his mattress is hung back to the rafter in
+the attic an' his sulphur candle is all bought
+to burn to-morrow an' when that's over
+an' the smell's over too I shall look to
+settle down an' not have nothin' more to
+upset my days an' nights till your time
+comes, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I hope to goodness
+as it won't come in the night, for
+boardin' a editor has put me all at outs
+with night work."</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if you say so, I'll believe it," said
+Miss Clegg; "for I will say this for you,
+Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is as with all your
+faults you've never yet told me nothin' as
+I've found out from others afterwards
+was n't true."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h4><a name="A_Masterpiece_of_Native_Humor" id="A_Masterpiece_of_Native_Humor"></a><i>A Masterpiece of Native Humor</i></h4>
+
+<h1>SUSAN CLEGG AND HER<br />
+FRIEND MRS. LATHROP</h1>
+
+
+<p class="center">By ANNE WARNER</p>
+
+<p class="center">Author of "A Woman's Will," etc.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">With Frontispiece. 227 pages. 12mo. $1.00.</p>
+
+
+<p>It is seldom a book so full of delightful humor comes
+before the reader. Anne Warner takes her place in the
+circle of American woman humorists, who have achieved
+distinction so rapidly within recent years.&mdash;<i>Brooklyn Eagle</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing better in the new homely philosophy style of
+fiction has been written.&mdash;<i>San Francisco Bulletin</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Anne Warner has given us the rare delight of a book
+that is extremely funny. Hearty laughter is in store for
+every reader.&mdash;<i>Philadelphia Public Ledger</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Susan is a positive contribution to the American characters
+in fiction.&mdash;<i>Brooklyn Times</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Susan Clegg is a living creature, quite as amusing and
+even more plausible than Mrs. Wiggs. Susan's human
+weaknesses are endearing, and we find ourselves in sympathy
+with her.&mdash;<i>New York Evening Post</i>.</p>
+
+<p>No more original or quaint person than she has ever
+lived in fiction.&mdash;<i>Newark Advertiser</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">LITTLE, BROWN, &amp; CO., <span class="smcap">Publishers</span>, BOSTON</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>At all Booksellers'</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h4><a name="Another_Popular_Susan_Clegg_Book" id="Another_Popular_Susan_Clegg_Book"></a><i>Another Popular "Susan Clegg" Book</i></h4>
+
+<h1>SUSAN CLEGG AND<br />
+HER NEIGHBORS' AFFAIRS</h1>
+
+
+<p class="center"><i>By</i> ANNE WARNER</p>
+
+<p class="center">With frontispiece. 12mo. Cloth, $1.00</p>
+<hr />
+
+<p>All the stories brim over with quaint humor, caustic
+sarcasm, and concealed contempt for male folk and matrimonial
+chains.&mdash;<i>Philadelphia Ledger</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Anything more humorous than the "Susan Clegg" stories
+would be hard to find.&mdash;Jeannette L. Gilder, Editor of
+<i>Putnam's Magazine</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The best work that Anne Warner has published. Miss
+Clegg has become an institution in the humor of America.&mdash;<i>Baltimore
+Sun</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Her "Susan Clegg" stories, rich in pungent humor and
+extremely clever in their portrayal of quaint and amusing
+character, deserve a place among the choice specimens of
+American humorous literature&mdash;which means the best
+humorous literature in the world.&mdash;<i>New York Times</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Sure to be welcomed by that large class of readers who
+found in "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop" one
+of the most genuinely humorous books ever written by a
+woman on this side of the Atlantic.&mdash;<i>St. Louis Globe-Democrat</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">LITTLE, BROWN, &amp; CO., <span class="smcap">Publishers</span></p>
+
+<p class="center">254 <span class="smcap">Washington Street. Boston</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h4><a name="A_New_Story_by_the_Author_of_Susan_Clegg" id="A_New_Story_by_the_Author_of_Susan_Clegg"></a><i>A New Story by the Author of "Susan Clegg"</i></h4>
+
+
+<h1>THE REJUVENATION
+OF AUNT MARY</h1>
+<p class="center">By ANNE WARNER</p>
+
+<p class="center">Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop,"
+"A Woman's Will," etc.</p>
+
+<p class="center">With four full page illustrations.</p>
+
+<p class="center">12mo. Decorated cloth, $1.50.</p>
+
+<p>This very clever and original story by the creator of
+"Susan Clegg" will add materially to her reputation as
+a writer of popular fiction. "Aunt Mary" and her
+adventures in New York are simply delicious; and her
+nephew, Jack, and his college friends, who personally
+conduct her through the metropolis, are brimful of
+brightness and humor. A pretty love story runs through
+the book. "Aunt Mary's" magazine d&eacute;but delighted
+thousands of readers, and the publication of the story in
+a more permanent form, with new chapters, and scenes,
+will increase her popularity.</p>
+
+<p>Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American
+woman humorists, who have achieved distinction so rapidly
+within recent years.&mdash;<i>Brooklyn Eagle</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Anne Warner is not only a funmaker but adds to that the
+quality of sympathy with her characters.&mdash;<i>Public Opinion</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">LITTLE, BROWN, &amp; CO., <span class="smcap">Publishers</span>, BOSTON</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>At all Booksellers'</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h4><a name="An_International_Love_Comedy" id="An_International_Love_Comedy"></a><i>An International Love Comedy</i></h4>
+
+<h1>A WOMAN'S WILL</h1>
+<p class="center">By ANNE WARNER</p>
+
+<p class="center">Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."</p>
+
+<p>It is a relief to take up a volume so absolutely free from
+stressfulness. The love-making is passionate, the
+humor of much of the conversation is thoroughly delightful.
+The book is as refreshing a bit of fiction as one often finds;
+there is not a dull page in it.&mdash;<i>Providence Journal</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It is bright, charming, and intense as it describes the
+wooing of a young American widow on the European
+Continent by a German musical genius.&mdash;<i>San Francisco
+Chronicle</i>.</p>
+
+<p>A deliciously funny book.&mdash;<i>Chicago Tribune</i>.</p>
+
+<p>There is a laugh on nearly every page.&mdash;<i>New York Times</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Most decidedly an unusual story. The dialogue is nothing
+if not original, and the characters are very unique. There
+is something striking on every page of the book.&mdash;<i>Newark
+Advertiser</i>.</p>
+
+<p>A more vivacious light novel could not be found.&mdash;<i>Chicago
+Record-Herald</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Illustrated by I. H. Caliga. 360 pages. 12mo.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Decorated cloth, $1.50.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">LITTLE, BROWN, &amp; CO., <span class="smcap">Publishers</span>, BOSTON</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>At all Booksellers'</i></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22872-h.htm or 22872-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/8/7/22872/
+
+Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/22872-h/images/cover01.jpg b/22872-h/images/cover01.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6514cfd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/images/cover01.jpg
diff --git a/22872-h/images/gs01.jpg b/22872-h/images/gs01.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..294a1e5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/images/gs01.jpg
diff --git a/22872-h/images/gs02.jpg b/22872-h/images/gs02.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..682496d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/images/gs02.jpg
diff --git a/22872-h/images/gs03.jpg b/22872-h/images/gs03.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f0b182f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/images/gs03.jpg
diff --git a/22872-h/images/gs04.jpg b/22872-h/images/gs04.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2ad0fc9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/images/gs04.jpg
diff --git a/22872-h/images/img01spine.jpg b/22872-h/images/img01spine.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8898e62
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/images/img01spine.jpg
diff --git a/22872-h/images/imgcover01.jpg b/22872-h/images/imgcover01.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b578ede
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/images/imgcover01.jpg
diff --git a/22872-h/images/spine01.jpg b/22872-h/images/spine01.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d6e416c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-h/images/spine01.jpg
diff --git a/22872-page-images/c001.jpg b/22872-page-images/c001.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..52f4690
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/c001.jpg
diff --git a/22872-page-images/f001.png b/22872-page-images/f001.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ea78434
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/f001.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/f002.png b/22872-page-images/f002.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..22f56f1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/f002.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/f003.png b/22872-page-images/f003.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eda6c97
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/f003.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/f004.png b/22872-page-images/f004.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d45d42d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/f004.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/f005.png b/22872-page-images/f005.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2f260a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/f005.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p001.png b/22872-page-images/p001.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..858efc1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p001.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p002.png b/22872-page-images/p002.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9f69305
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p002.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p003.png b/22872-page-images/p003.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b3302ca
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p003.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p004.png b/22872-page-images/p004.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8a2de08
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p004.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p005.png b/22872-page-images/p005.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c189f1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p005.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p006.png b/22872-page-images/p006.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2e1b839
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p006.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p007.png b/22872-page-images/p007.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..851aac7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p007.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p008.png b/22872-page-images/p008.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1aa658a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p008.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p009.png b/22872-page-images/p009.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..525ac46
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p009.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p010.png b/22872-page-images/p010.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b74e2a2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p010.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p011.png b/22872-page-images/p011.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..032051c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p011.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p012.png b/22872-page-images/p012.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7b0bc2e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p012.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p013.png b/22872-page-images/p013.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d003865
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p013.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p014.png b/22872-page-images/p014.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..86737d6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p014.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p015.png b/22872-page-images/p015.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e34b87c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p015.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p016.png b/22872-page-images/p016.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..73cccd8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p016.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p017.png b/22872-page-images/p017.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9f3e26e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p017.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p018.png b/22872-page-images/p018.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8cd8311
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p018.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p019.png b/22872-page-images/p019.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..17f6e0f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p019.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p020.png b/22872-page-images/p020.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a417f21
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p020.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p021.png b/22872-page-images/p021.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6a20185
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p021.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p022.png b/22872-page-images/p022.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6dcb955
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p022.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p023.png b/22872-page-images/p023.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f5c4cc7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p023.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p024.png b/22872-page-images/p024.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7617f6e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p024.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p025.png b/22872-page-images/p025.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c910acc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p025.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p026.png b/22872-page-images/p026.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f889deb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p026.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p027.png b/22872-page-images/p027.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..70d80af
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p027.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p028.png b/22872-page-images/p028.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..13abd93
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p028.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p029.png b/22872-page-images/p029.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5174608
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p029.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p030.png b/22872-page-images/p030.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..58b76f4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p030.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p031.png b/22872-page-images/p031.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..155c16f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p031.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p032.png b/22872-page-images/p032.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fb97972
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p032.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p033.png b/22872-page-images/p033.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..43640f9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p033.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p034.png b/22872-page-images/p034.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..67c077e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p034.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p035.png b/22872-page-images/p035.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a9e0a8f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p035.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p036.png b/22872-page-images/p036.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9df185a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p036.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p037.png b/22872-page-images/p037.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..723a64a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p037.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p038.png b/22872-page-images/p038.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..48b1200
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p038.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p039.png b/22872-page-images/p039.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e365291
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p039.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p040.png b/22872-page-images/p040.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0c50ae5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p040.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p041.png b/22872-page-images/p041.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..91512aa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p041.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p042.png b/22872-page-images/p042.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..091c5dc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p042.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p043.png b/22872-page-images/p043.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..25e6f3e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p043.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p044.png b/22872-page-images/p044.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..89d6583
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p044.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p045.png b/22872-page-images/p045.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..deb81ac
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p045.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p046.png b/22872-page-images/p046.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..dc375f6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p046.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p047.png b/22872-page-images/p047.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..be563f4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p047.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p048.png b/22872-page-images/p048.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..52fde8b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p048.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p049.png b/22872-page-images/p049.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f89fb74
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p049.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p050.png b/22872-page-images/p050.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8460e08
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p050.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p051.png b/22872-page-images/p051.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ce92c95
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p051.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p052.png b/22872-page-images/p052.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..35bdfad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p052.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p053.png b/22872-page-images/p053.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..20eee7e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p053.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p054.png b/22872-page-images/p054.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..07a9beb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p054.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p055.png b/22872-page-images/p055.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..455579f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p055.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p056.png b/22872-page-images/p056.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2909319
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p056.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p057.png b/22872-page-images/p057.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1c437f5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p057.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p058.png b/22872-page-images/p058.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..981d195
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p058.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p059.png b/22872-page-images/p059.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4c1a4a4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p059.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p060.png b/22872-page-images/p060.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8ce788a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p060.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p061.png b/22872-page-images/p061.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..31162c9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p061.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p062.png b/22872-page-images/p062.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..33bbd94
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p062.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p063.png b/22872-page-images/p063.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..11b0939
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p063.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p064.png b/22872-page-images/p064.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fd7a201
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p064.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p065.png b/22872-page-images/p065.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..12b2617
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p065.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p066.png b/22872-page-images/p066.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0b2468e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p066.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p067.png b/22872-page-images/p067.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..72b6c83
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p067.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p068.png b/22872-page-images/p068.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..31c5249
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p068.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p069.png b/22872-page-images/p069.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2de17b3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p069.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p070.png b/22872-page-images/p070.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..20d296c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p070.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p071.png b/22872-page-images/p071.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..776d629
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p071.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p072.png b/22872-page-images/p072.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..696d00c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p072.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p073.png b/22872-page-images/p073.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6b4d72b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p073.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p074.png b/22872-page-images/p074.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5adf533
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p074.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p075.png b/22872-page-images/p075.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fda3e1b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p075.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p076.png b/22872-page-images/p076.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bf97bf4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p076.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p077.png b/22872-page-images/p077.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..75c7b35
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p077.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p078.png b/22872-page-images/p078.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..948489a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p078.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p079.png b/22872-page-images/p079.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6b28ec3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p079.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p080.png b/22872-page-images/p080.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aee586a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p080.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p081.png b/22872-page-images/p081.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4ed5641
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p081.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p082.png b/22872-page-images/p082.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1b843d8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p082.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p083.png b/22872-page-images/p083.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2880564
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p083.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p084.png b/22872-page-images/p084.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..37dcd1f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p084.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p085.png b/22872-page-images/p085.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..119158f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p085.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p086.png b/22872-page-images/p086.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..79d78a6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p086.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p087.png b/22872-page-images/p087.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..afc8044
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p087.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p088.png b/22872-page-images/p088.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..64601d6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p088.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p089.png b/22872-page-images/p089.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..277fd52
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p089.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p090.png b/22872-page-images/p090.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bceb0c3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p090.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p091.png b/22872-page-images/p091.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b98b440
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p091.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p092.png b/22872-page-images/p092.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0a3ba61
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p092.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p093.png b/22872-page-images/p093.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9ca4186
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p093.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p094.png b/22872-page-images/p094.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f3b3059
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p094.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p095.png b/22872-page-images/p095.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8bcf4f1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p095.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p096.png b/22872-page-images/p096.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..040d9de
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p096.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p097.png b/22872-page-images/p097.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c692b7d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p097.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p098.png b/22872-page-images/p098.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aa09f52
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p098.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p099.png b/22872-page-images/p099.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e8a1f1a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p099.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p100.png b/22872-page-images/p100.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ffbd16b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p100.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p101.png b/22872-page-images/p101.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..47b836c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p101.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p102.png b/22872-page-images/p102.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f0129c0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p102.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p103.png b/22872-page-images/p103.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..30a5999
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p103.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p104.png b/22872-page-images/p104.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3f20fce
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p104.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p105.png b/22872-page-images/p105.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9186aa7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p105.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p106.png b/22872-page-images/p106.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ba6ca1a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p106.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p107.png b/22872-page-images/p107.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fb9eb20
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p107.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p108.png b/22872-page-images/p108.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b940020
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p108.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p109.png b/22872-page-images/p109.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..48d1e1e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p109.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p110.png b/22872-page-images/p110.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3314254
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p110.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p111.png b/22872-page-images/p111.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..93e82d5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p111.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p112.png b/22872-page-images/p112.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a8b573e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p112.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p113.png b/22872-page-images/p113.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9e0c92f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p113.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p114.png b/22872-page-images/p114.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..285066b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p114.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p115.png b/22872-page-images/p115.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..75a3f40
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p115.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p116.png b/22872-page-images/p116.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..695edd8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p116.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p117.png b/22872-page-images/p117.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0a89268
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p117.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p118-insert.png b/22872-page-images/p118-insert.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4372ebd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p118-insert.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p118.png b/22872-page-images/p118.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ccd527f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p118.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p119.png b/22872-page-images/p119.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..361b2f8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p119.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p120.png b/22872-page-images/p120.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e0d7082
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p120.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p121.png b/22872-page-images/p121.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ce68ed2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p121.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p122.png b/22872-page-images/p122.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..dd32f6f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p122.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p123.png b/22872-page-images/p123.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a8e22dc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p123.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p124.png b/22872-page-images/p124.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aa939f2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p124.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p125.png b/22872-page-images/p125.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bd6a076
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p125.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p126.png b/22872-page-images/p126.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a8d46f9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p126.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p127.png b/22872-page-images/p127.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c98bee
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p127.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p128.png b/22872-page-images/p128.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..18cd5f3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p128.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p129.png b/22872-page-images/p129.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..57ed227
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p129.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p130.png b/22872-page-images/p130.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..86ce696
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p130.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p131.png b/22872-page-images/p131.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7f302ad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p131.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p132.png b/22872-page-images/p132.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7d3a4c7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p132.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p133.png b/22872-page-images/p133.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aaa3247
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p133.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p134.png b/22872-page-images/p134.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..768e9f4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p134.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p135.png b/22872-page-images/p135.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..75b5c2a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p135.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p136.png b/22872-page-images/p136.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fcdcc71
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p136.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p137.png b/22872-page-images/p137.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e09e6ad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p137.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p138.png b/22872-page-images/p138.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2568315
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p138.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p139.png b/22872-page-images/p139.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..139a339
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p139.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p140.png b/22872-page-images/p140.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b6500fb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p140.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p141.png b/22872-page-images/p141.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d2d4c5e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p141.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p142.png b/22872-page-images/p142.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..86b429f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p142.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p143.png b/22872-page-images/p143.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bb94732
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p143.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p144.png b/22872-page-images/p144.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3923bb4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p144.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p145.png b/22872-page-images/p145.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..70b7a57
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p145.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p146.png b/22872-page-images/p146.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e562f4d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p146.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p147.png b/22872-page-images/p147.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6668b84
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p147.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p148.png b/22872-page-images/p148.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bb1d9a7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p148.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p149.png b/22872-page-images/p149.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d92c055
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p149.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p150.png b/22872-page-images/p150.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a010b75
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p150.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p151.png b/22872-page-images/p151.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ec1d339
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p151.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p152.png b/22872-page-images/p152.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..10bc0d4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p152.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p153.png b/22872-page-images/p153.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0be6122
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p153.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p154.png b/22872-page-images/p154.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b5f46c2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p154.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p155.png b/22872-page-images/p155.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eb68e28
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p155.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p156.png b/22872-page-images/p156.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..50ca04b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p156.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p157.png b/22872-page-images/p157.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9841e7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p157.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p158.png b/22872-page-images/p158.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9e59ed9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p158.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p159.png b/22872-page-images/p159.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3ed504c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p159.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p160.png b/22872-page-images/p160.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3a6763a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p160.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p161.png b/22872-page-images/p161.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..68e6978
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p161.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p162.png b/22872-page-images/p162.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7d7a3c9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p162.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p163.png b/22872-page-images/p163.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bc899a6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p163.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p164.png b/22872-page-images/p164.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..29b3187
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p164.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p165.png b/22872-page-images/p165.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7c267ef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p165.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p166.png b/22872-page-images/p166.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..684d634
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p166.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p167.png b/22872-page-images/p167.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f8e3181
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p167.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p168.png b/22872-page-images/p168.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..62b8e03
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p168.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p169.png b/22872-page-images/p169.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fddd035
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p169.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p170.png b/22872-page-images/p170.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6c6b046
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p170.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p171.png b/22872-page-images/p171.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..856d9d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p171.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p172.png b/22872-page-images/p172.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a093e51
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p172.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p173.png b/22872-page-images/p173.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6a810e2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p173.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p174.png b/22872-page-images/p174.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bb7692e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p174.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p175.png b/22872-page-images/p175.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c69a303
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p175.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p176.png b/22872-page-images/p176.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c0665dd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p176.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p177.png b/22872-page-images/p177.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ef35501
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p177.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p178-insert.png b/22872-page-images/p178-insert.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5ca48bc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p178-insert.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p178.png b/22872-page-images/p178.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..324d5bd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p178.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p179.png b/22872-page-images/p179.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6dd5bb3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p179.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p180.png b/22872-page-images/p180.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2286fb0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p180.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p181.png b/22872-page-images/p181.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ad5352b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p181.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p182.png b/22872-page-images/p182.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e07baa9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p182.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p183.png b/22872-page-images/p183.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..45a487f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p183.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p184.png b/22872-page-images/p184.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9d06041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p184.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p185.png b/22872-page-images/p185.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3ba79e7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p185.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p186.png b/22872-page-images/p186.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7413c44
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p186.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p187.png b/22872-page-images/p187.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c2015c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p187.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p188-insert.png b/22872-page-images/p188-insert.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..762323c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p188-insert.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p188.png b/22872-page-images/p188.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a713a0c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p188.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p189.png b/22872-page-images/p189.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..24e0d52
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p189.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p190.png b/22872-page-images/p190.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0c7907d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p190.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p191.png b/22872-page-images/p191.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9936beb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p191.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p192.png b/22872-page-images/p192.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..009c972
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p192.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p193.png b/22872-page-images/p193.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8885575
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p193.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p194.png b/22872-page-images/p194.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cb50e03
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p194.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p195.png b/22872-page-images/p195.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9a96bdc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p195.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p196.png b/22872-page-images/p196.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b4551d3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p196.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p197.png b/22872-page-images/p197.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4b2c2b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p197.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p198.png b/22872-page-images/p198.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bc060ad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p198.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p199.png b/22872-page-images/p199.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..95f4643
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p199.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p200.png b/22872-page-images/p200.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5d00674
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p200.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p201.png b/22872-page-images/p201.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a6d8640
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p201.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p202.png b/22872-page-images/p202.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..63db239
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p202.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p203.png b/22872-page-images/p203.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..334addd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p203.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p204.png b/22872-page-images/p204.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b11e762
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p204.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p205.png b/22872-page-images/p205.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c3953a7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p205.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p206.png b/22872-page-images/p206.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..573ea10
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p206.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p207.png b/22872-page-images/p207.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..915cf71
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p207.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p208.png b/22872-page-images/p208.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e1d47c1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p208.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p209.png b/22872-page-images/p209.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7822e2b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p209.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p210.png b/22872-page-images/p210.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4ef86d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p210.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p211.png b/22872-page-images/p211.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cc7be45
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p211.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p212.png b/22872-page-images/p212.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b5e8469
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p212.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p213.png b/22872-page-images/p213.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..839c348
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p213.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p214.png b/22872-page-images/p214.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..18fae53
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p214.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p215.png b/22872-page-images/p215.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9a388b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p215.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p216.png b/22872-page-images/p216.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a22bfbb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p216.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p217.png b/22872-page-images/p217.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e8ccf34
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p217.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p218.png b/22872-page-images/p218.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5bb16e3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p218.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p219.png b/22872-page-images/p219.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6df71b7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p219.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p220.png b/22872-page-images/p220.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ef19d42
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p220.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p221.png b/22872-page-images/p221.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e11dd37
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p221.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p222.png b/22872-page-images/p222.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..22239d0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p222.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p223.png b/22872-page-images/p223.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0541020
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p223.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p224.png b/22872-page-images/p224.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..40613d8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p224.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p225.png b/22872-page-images/p225.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c66aed2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p225.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p226.png b/22872-page-images/p226.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..03adb5f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p226.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p227.png b/22872-page-images/p227.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b7f14ff
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p227.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p228.png b/22872-page-images/p228.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..80a0fae
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p228.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p229.png b/22872-page-images/p229.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..335ea59
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p229.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p230.png b/22872-page-images/p230.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5965d06
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p230.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p231.png b/22872-page-images/p231.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2b0f39d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p231.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p232.png b/22872-page-images/p232.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6a1bc7e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p232.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p233.png b/22872-page-images/p233.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..79aa6c2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p233.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p234.png b/22872-page-images/p234.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6730d97
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p234.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p235.png b/22872-page-images/p235.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5d48b94
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p235.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p236.png b/22872-page-images/p236.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3d71e4b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p236.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p237.png b/22872-page-images/p237.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..58aeb50
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p237.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p238.png b/22872-page-images/p238.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b19dbd4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p238.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p239.png b/22872-page-images/p239.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..24eb1c8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p239.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p240.png b/22872-page-images/p240.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f9ccab1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p240.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p241.png b/22872-page-images/p241.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c02fdf0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p241.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p242.png b/22872-page-images/p242.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f119fd2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p242.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p243.png b/22872-page-images/p243.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ea3c045
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p243.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p244.png b/22872-page-images/p244.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2d7ec00
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p244.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p245.png b/22872-page-images/p245.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..89a1fc2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p245.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p246.png b/22872-page-images/p246.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..636b35d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p246.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p247.png b/22872-page-images/p247.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..58189f0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p247.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p248.png b/22872-page-images/p248.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a506181
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p248.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p249.png b/22872-page-images/p249.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6987dc5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p249.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p250.png b/22872-page-images/p250.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..650ea58
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p250.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p251.png b/22872-page-images/p251.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9fc301f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p251.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p252.png b/22872-page-images/p252.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ecc5ebe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p252.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p253.png b/22872-page-images/p253.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0d222ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p253.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p254.png b/22872-page-images/p254.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e509247
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p254.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p255.png b/22872-page-images/p255.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2e0a9bc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p255.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p256.png b/22872-page-images/p256.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1b7e8f9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p256.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p257.png b/22872-page-images/p257.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0e7c683
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p257.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p258.png b/22872-page-images/p258.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0dc06ac
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p258.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p259.png b/22872-page-images/p259.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9753397
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p259.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p260.png b/22872-page-images/p260.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..712e428
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p260.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p261.png b/22872-page-images/p261.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..da5d209
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p261.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p262.png b/22872-page-images/p262.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3c87c7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p262.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p263.png b/22872-page-images/p263.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b217e81
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p263.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p264.png b/22872-page-images/p264.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b7df588
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p264.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p265.png b/22872-page-images/p265.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9aade8d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p265.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p266.png b/22872-page-images/p266.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a108213
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p266.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p267.png b/22872-page-images/p267.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..926f55c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p267.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p268.png b/22872-page-images/p268.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c131344
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p268.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p269.png b/22872-page-images/p269.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2236c81
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p269.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p270.png b/22872-page-images/p270.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..311e3b6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p270.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p271.png b/22872-page-images/p271.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14e70ea
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p271.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p272.png b/22872-page-images/p272.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2fd7b26
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p272.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p273.png b/22872-page-images/p273.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..77b3d0c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p273.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p274.png b/22872-page-images/p274.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d6c5189
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p274.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p275.png b/22872-page-images/p275.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2d5c014
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p275.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p276.png b/22872-page-images/p276.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3f46866
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p276.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p277.png b/22872-page-images/p277.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..af3e2f4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p277.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p278.png b/22872-page-images/p278.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..240b9bb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p278.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p279.png b/22872-page-images/p279.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..045056c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p279.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p281.png b/22872-page-images/p281.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..896b45d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p281.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p282.png b/22872-page-images/p282.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..459a368
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p282.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p283.png b/22872-page-images/p283.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7d1d546
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p283.png
diff --git a/22872-page-images/p284.png b/22872-page-images/p284.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f320aae
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872-page-images/p284.png
diff --git a/22872.txt b/22872.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..28126c8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,5240 @@
+Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Susan Clegg and a Man in the House
+
+Author: Anne Warner
+
+Illustrator: Alice Barber Stephens
+
+Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "'He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.'" FRONTISPIECE(_See
+page 21._)]
+
+
+
+
+                      Susan Clegg
+                 And a Man in the House
+
+
+                          BY
+                      ANNE WARNER
+
+
+  Author of "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop,"
+       "A Woman's Will," "The Rejuvenation of
+             Aunt Mary," "Seeing France
+                with Uncle John," etc.
+
+
+          _Illustrated from Drawings by_
+                 ALICE BARBER STEPHENS
+
+
+                       Boston
+             Little, Brown, and Company
+                        1907
+
+_Copyright, 1906_,
+By Katharine N. Birdsall
+
+_Copyright, 1907_,
+By The Butterick Company, Ltd.
+
+_Copyright, 1907_,
+By Little, Brown, and Company
+
+_All rights reserved_
+
+
+Published October, 1907
+
+GRIFFITH-STILLINGS PRESS, BOSTON, MASS., U.S.A.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAPTER                                     PAGE
+
+I. Man's Proposal                              1
+
+II. Elijah Doxey and His Locked Box           20
+
+III. The First Issue of the Newspaper         32
+
+IV. Settling down after the Honeymoon         43
+
+V. Susan Clegg's Full Day                     64
+
+VI. The Editor's Advice Column                85
+
+VII. Mrs. Macy and the Convention             98
+
+VIII. The Biennial                           113
+
+IX. The Far Eastern Tropics                  128
+
+X. The Evils of Delayed Decease              142
+
+XI. The Democratic Party                     156
+
+XII. The Trials of Mrs. Macy                 168
+
+XIII. Monotony of Ministerial Monologues     200
+
+XIV. Advisability of Newspaper Exposures     212
+
+XV. The Trial of a Sick Man in the
+House                                        223
+
+XVI. The Beginning of the End                235
+
+XVII. An Old-fashioned Fourth                251
+
+XVIII. Celebrating Independence Day          261
+
+XIX. Exit the Man out of Susan Clegg's
+House                                        273
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+"'He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.'" _Frontispiece_
+
+                                            PAGE
+
+"'A lady come up, looked at my flag,
+an' asked me if I was a delegate
+or an alternative'"                          119
+
+"'Mrs. Macy was just about plum
+paralyzed at _that_'"                        179
+
+"'The bottom come out an' the duck
+flew down the car'"                          188
+
+
+
+
+Susan Clegg And a Man in the House
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+MAN'S PROPOSAL
+
+
+Susan Clegg had dwelt alone ever since her father's death. She had not
+been unhappy in dwelling alone, although she had been a good daughter as
+long as she had a parent to live with. When the parent departed, and
+indeed some few days before his going, there had arisen a kind of a
+question as to the possibility of a life-companion for the daughter who
+must inevitably be left orphaned and lonely before long. The question
+had arisen in a way highly characteristic of Miss Clegg and had been
+disposed of in the same manner.[A] The fact is that Miss Clegg had
+herself proposed to four men and been refused four times. Then her
+father had died, and, upon the discovery that he was better endowed with
+worldly wealth than folks had generally supposed, all four had hastened
+to bring a return suit at once. But Miss Clegg had also had her mind
+altered by the new discovery and refused them all. From that time to
+this period of which I am about to write there had never been any
+further question in her mind as to the non-advisability of having a man
+in the house.
+
+[A] See "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."
+
+"As far as I can see," she said confidentially to her friend, Mrs.
+Lathrop, who lived next door, "men are not what they are cracked up to
+be. There ain't but one woman as looks happy in this whole community and
+that's Mrs. Sperrit, an' she looks so happy that at first glance she
+looks full as much like a fool as anythin'. The minister's wife don't
+look happy,--she looks a deal more like somethin' a cat finds an' lugs
+home for you to brush up,--an' goodness knows Mrs. Fisher don't look
+happy an' she ain't happy neither, for she told me herself yesterday as
+since Mr. Fisher had got this new idea of developin' his chest with
+Japanese Jimmy Jig-songs, an' takin' a cold plunge in the slop jar every
+mornin', that life hadn't been worth livin' for the wall paper in her
+room. She ain't got no sympathy with chest developin' an' Japanese
+jiggin' an' she says only to think how proud she was to marry the prize
+boy at school an' look at what's come of it. She asked me if I hear
+about his goin' to town the other day an' buyin' a book on how to make
+your hair grow by pullin' it out as fast as it comes in, an' then
+gettin' on the train, an' gettin' to readin' on to how to make your
+eyebrows grow by pullin' them out, too, an' not noticin' that they'd
+unhooked his car an' left it behind, until it got too dark to read any
+further--"
+
+"Why, what--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, who was the best of listeners, and
+never interjectional except under the highest possible pressure of
+curiosity.
+
+"There was n't nothin' for him to do except to put his thumb in at the
+place where the eyebrows was, an' get down out of the car, an' then she
+told me, would you believe that with her an' John Bunyan in their second
+hour of chasin' around like a pair of crazy cockroaches because he was
+n't on the city train when he said he'd come, he very calmly went up to
+a hotel an' took a room for the night? An' she says that ain't the worst
+of it whatever you may think, for he was so interested in the book that
+he wanted to keep right on readin', an' as the light was too high an' he
+had n't no way to lower it, he just highered himself by puttin' a
+rockin'-chair (yes, Mrs. Lathrop, a rockin'-chair!) on the center table,
+an' there he sit rockin' an' readin' until he felt to go to bed. She
+says, would n't that drive a good wife right out beside her own mind? To
+think of a man like Mr. Fisher rockin' away all night on top of a table
+an' never even gettin' a scare. Why, she says you know an' I know that
+if he'd been the husband of a poor widow or the only father of a
+deserving family, of course he'd have rocked off an' goodness knows
+what, but bein' as he was _her_ husband with a nice life insurance an'
+John Bunyan wild to go to college, he needs must strike the one rocker
+in the world as is hung true, an' land safe an' sound in her sorrowin'
+arms the next mornin'! Oh my, but she says, the shock she got! They was
+so sure that somethin' had happened to him that she an' John had planned
+a little picnic trip to the city to leave word with the police first an'
+visit the Zooelogical Gardens after. Well, she says, maybe you can judge
+of their feelin's when they was waitin' all smiles an' sunshine for
+their train, with a nice lunch done up under John's arm, an' he got down
+from the other train without no preparation a _tall_. She said she done
+all she could under the circumstances, for she burst out cryin' in spite
+of herself, an' cryin' is somethin' as always fits in handy anywhere,
+an' then she says they had nothin' in the wide world to do but to go
+home an' explain away the hard-boiled eggs for dinner the best they
+could. She says she hopes the Lord'll forgive her for He knows better
+than she ever will what she ever done to have Mr. Fisher awarded to her
+as her just and lawful punishment these last five and twenty years; an',
+she says, will you only think how awful easy, as long as he got on the
+table of his own free will an' without her even puttin' him up to it, it
+would have been for him to of rocked off an' goodness knows what. She
+says she is a Christian, an' she don't wish even her husband any ill
+wind, but she did frighten me, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I wanted to speak out
+frank an' open to you about it because a man in the house _is_ a man in
+the house, an' I want to take men into very careful consideration before
+I go a step further towards lettin one have the right to darken my doors
+whenever he comes home to bed an' board--"
+
+Mrs. Lathrop quite jumped in her chair at this startling finale to her
+neighbor's talk and her little black eyes gleamed brightly.
+
+"Bed and bo--" she cried.
+
+"He'll have father's room, if I take him, of course," said Susan, "but I
+ain't sure yet that I'll take him. You know all I stood with father,
+Mrs. Lathrop, an' I don't really know as I can stand any more sad
+memories connected with that room. You know how it was with Jathrop
+yourself, too, an' how happy and peaceful life has been since he lit
+out, an' I ain't sure that--My heavens alive! I forgot to tell you that
+Mr. Dill thought he saw Jathrop in the city when he was up there
+yesterday!"
+
+"Saw Ja--" screamed Mrs. Lathrop. Jathrop was her son who had fled from
+the town some years before, his departure being marked by peculiarly
+harrowing circumstances, and of whom or from whom she had never heard
+one word since.
+
+"Mr. Dill was n't sure," said Susan; "he said the more he thought about
+it the more sure he was that he was n 't sure a _tall_. He saw the man
+in a seed-office where he went to buy some seed, an' he said if it _was_
+Jathrop he's took another name because another name was on the office
+door. He said what made him think as it was Jathrop was he jumped so
+when he see Mr. Dill. Mr. Dill said he was helpin' himself out of a box
+of cigars an' his own idea was as he jumped because they was n't his
+cigars. Jathrop give Mr. Dill one cigar an' when he thanked him he said,
+'Don't mention it,' an' to my order of thinkin' that proves as they was
+n't his cigars, for if they was his cigars why under heaven should he
+have minded Mr. Dill's mentionin' it? Mr. Dill said another reason as
+made him think as it was Jathrop was as he never asked about you,--but
+then if he was n't Jathrop he naturally would n't have asked about you
+either. Mr. Dill said he was n't sure, Mr. Dill said he was n't a bit
+sure, Mr. Dill said it was really all a mystery to him, but two things
+he _could_ swear to, an' one of those was as this man is a full head
+taller than Jathrop an' the other was as he's a Swede, so I guess it's
+pretty safe not to be him."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop collapsed limply. Susan went on with her tale as calmly as
+ever.
+
+"You see, Mrs. Lathrop, it's like this. I told Mr. Kimball I'd think it
+over an' consult you before I give him any answer a _tall_. I could see
+he did n't want to give me time to think it over or to consult you for
+fear I'd change my mind, but when you ain't made up your mind, changin'
+it is easy, an' I never was one to hurry myself an' I won't begin now.
+Hurryin' leads to swallowin' fish-bones an' tearin' yourself on nails
+an' a many other things as makes me mad, an' I won't hurry now an' I
+won't hurry never. I shall take my own time, an' take my own time about
+takin' it, too, an' Mr. Kimball nor no other man need n't think he can
+ask me things as is more likely to change my whole life than not to
+change it, an' suppose I'm goin' to answer him like it was n't no
+greater matter than a sparrow hoppin' his tail around on a fence. I
+ain't no sparrow nor no spring chicken neither an' I don't intend to
+decide my affairs jumpin' about in a hurry, no, not even if you was
+advisin' me the same as Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know how much
+I think of your advice even if you have yet to give me the first piece
+as I can see my way to usin', for I will say this for your advice, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' that is that advice as is easier left untook than yours is,
+never yet was given."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop opened her mouth in a feeble attempt to rally her forces,
+but long before they were rallied Susan was off again:
+
+"I don't know, I'm sure, whether what I said to Mr. Kimball in the end
+was wise or not. I did n't say right out as I would, but I said I would
+maybe for a little while. I thought a little while would give me the
+inside track of what a long while would be pretty sure to mean. I don't
+know as it was a good thing to do but it's done now, so help me Heaven;
+an' if I can't stand him I always stand by my word, so he'll get three
+months' board anyhow an' I'll learn a little of what it would mean to
+have a man in the house."
+
+"A man in--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, recovering herself sufficiently to
+illustrate her mental attitude by what in her case always answered the
+purposes of a start.
+
+"That's what I said," said Susan, "an' havin' said it Mr. Kimball can
+rely on Elijah Doxey's bein' sure to get it now."
+
+"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, again upheaved.
+
+"Elijah Doxey," repeated Susan. "That's his name. I ain't surprised over
+your bein' surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, 'cause I was all dumb did up myself
+at first. I never was more dumb or more did up since I was a baby, but
+after the way as Mr. Kimball sprung shock after shock on me last night I
+got so paralyzed in the end that his name cut very little figger beside
+our havin' a newspaper of our own, right here in our midst, an' me
+havin' the editor to board an' him bein' Mr. Kimball's nephew, an' Mr.
+Kimball havin' a nephew as was a editor, an' Mr. Kimball's never havin'
+seen fit to mention the fact to any of us in all these many years as
+we've been friends on an' off an' us always buyin' from him whenever we
+was n't more friends with Mr. Dill."
+
+"I nev--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, nor no one else ever heard of him neither. The first of it all was
+when he came up last night to see would I board him, an' of course when
+I understood as it was me as was goin' to have to take him in I never
+rested till I knowed hide an' hair of who I was to take in down to the
+last button on Job's coat."
+
+"And wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I'll tell you all I found out myself; an' I tell you I worked
+hard findin' it out too, for Mr. Kimball is no windmill to pump when it
+comes to where he gets relations from. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as he had a
+sister though as married a Doxey an' that's the why of Elijah Doxey.
+Seems Elijah is so smart that he'll be offered a place on one of the
+biggest city papers in a little while, but in the mean time he's just
+lost the place that he did have on one of the smallest ones an', as a
+consequence, his mother thought he'd better spend this summer in the
+country an' so sent him up to Mr. Kimball. Mr. Kimball said he really
+did n't sense all it meant at first when Elijah arrived at noon
+yesterday but he said he had n't talked with him long afore he see as
+this was our big chance 'cause the paper as Elijah was on paid him off
+with a old printin' press, an' Mr. Kimball says, if we back him up, we
+can begin right now to have a paper of our own an' easy get to be what
+they call a 'state issue.' It's easy seen as Mr. Kimball is all ready to
+be a state issue; he says the printin' press is a four horse-power an'
+he's sure as he can arrange for Hiram Mullins to work the wringer the
+day he goes to press. Mr. Kimball says he's positive that Hiram 'll
+regard it as nothin' but child's play to wring off his grocery bill that
+way. I don't know what Gran'ma Mullins will say to that--or Lucy either
+for that matter--but Mr. Kimball's so sure that he knows best that I see
+it was n't no time to pull Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy in by the ears. Mr.
+Kimball says he's been turnin' it over in his mind's eye ever since
+yesterday when he first see Elijah. He says Elijah is just mad with
+ideas an' says he 's willin' to make us known far an' wide if we'll only
+give him a chance. Mr. Kimball says we all ought to feel ready to admit
+that it's time we was more than a quarter of a column a week in the
+_Meadville Mixture_. He says the _Meadville Mixture_ ain't never been
+fair to us an' Judge Fitch says it ain't got right views as to its
+foreign policy. Mr. Kimball says that after Elijah went back to town
+yesterday afternoon he went up to Judge Fitch's office an' Judge Fitch
+said if we had a paper of our own he'd be more than willin' to write a
+editorial occasionally himself, a editorial as would open the
+president's eyes to the true hiddenness of things, an' set the German
+emperor to thinkin', an' give the czar some insight into what America
+knows about _him_.
+
+"Mr. Kimball says this is the day of consolidation an' if we had a paper
+the Cherry Ponders an' all the Clightville people'd naturally join in
+an' take it too. He says he's figured that if he can start out with a
+hundred paid-up subscribers of a dollar each he can make a go of it. He
+says Elijah says set him up the press an' _he_ don't ask no better fun
+than to live on bread an' water while he jumps from peak to peak of
+fame, but Mr. Kimball says Elijah's young an' limber an' he shall want
+the paid-up subscriptions himself afore he begins to transport a
+printin' press around the country.
+
+"I told him he could count on you an' me takin' one between us before I
+knowed what was really the main object of his visit, an' then when he
+come out with what _was_ the main object of his visit, an' when I sensed
+what he was after I must say I considered as he should have made that
+his first word an' give me my paper for nothin',--seein' as the whole of
+the thing is got to rest right on me, for I don't know what _is_ the
+bottom of a newspaper if it ain't the woman as boards the editor. Yes,
+Mrs. Lathrop, that's my view in a nutshell, the more so as Mr. Kimball
+openly says as Elijah Doxey says he's a genius an' can't live in any
+house where there's other folks or any noise but his own. Mr. Kimball
+said it seemed as if a good angel had made me for the town to turn to in
+its bitter need an' that it was on me as the new newspaper would have to
+build its reputation in its first sore strait; an' he said too as he
+would in confidence remark as my influence on Elijah's ideas would be
+what he should be really lookin' to to make the paper a success, for he
+says as Elijah is very young an' will be wax in my hands an' I can mold
+him an' public opinion right along together. He said he really did n't
+look for him to be any great trouble to feed because he'd be out pickin'
+up items most of the time, an' then too, he says he can always give him
+a handful of his new brand of dried apples as is advertised to be most
+puffin' an' fillin'; why, do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, he told me as he'd
+developed the process now to where if you eat two small pieces you feel
+like you never wanted another Thanksgivin' dinner as long as you live."
+
+"And so--" asked Mrs. Lathrop eagerly, Susan pausing an instant for
+breath just here.
+
+"Well, in the end I said I would, for three months. I don't know as I
+was wise, but I thought it was maybe my duty for three months. I'm tired
+of seein' the Clightville folks called 'Glimpses' an' us called 'Dabs'
+in that _Meadville Mixture_, an' last week you remember how they spelt
+it wrong an' called us 'Dubs,' which is far from my idea of politeness.
+It was being mad over that as much as anythin' that made me up an' tell
+Mr. Kimball as I'd take Elijah an' take care of him an' look to do what
+I could to make the paper a success for three months. I told him as it
+was trustin' in the dark, for Elijah was a unknown quantity to me an' I
+never did like the idea of a man around my nice, clean house, but I said
+if he'd name the Meadville items the 'Mud Spatters' an' so get even for
+our feelin's last week I'd do my part by feedin' him an' makin' up his
+bed mornin's. Mr. Kimball said I showed as my heart an' my brains was
+both in the right place, an' then he got up an' shook hands an' told me
+as he would in confidence remark as he expected to make a very good
+thing all round for he was gettin' the printin' press awful cheap and
+Elijah likewise."
+
+"When--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Next Wednesday. Elijah's comin' up freight with the printin' press.
+Mr. Kimball says he suggested that himself. He says it cuts two birds
+with one knife for it makes it look as if the printin' press was extra
+fine instead of second-hand, an' it gets Elijah here for nothin'."
+
+"Dear--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I would, too," said Miss Clegg, "only you see I have n't got time. I
+ought not to be here now. I ought to be over gettin' his room ready an'
+takin' out the little comforts. As far as my order of thinkin' goes,
+little comforts is lost on men, Mrs. Lathrop, they always trip over them
+an' smash them in the dark."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+ELIJAH DOXEY AND HIS LOCKED BOX
+
+
+"Well," suggested Mrs. Lathrop one pleasant Saturday morning, a few days
+later, when she and her friend met at the fence. Miss Clegg looked
+slightly fretted and more than slightly warm, for she had been giving
+her garden an uncommonly vigorous weeding on account of an uncommonly
+vigorous shower which had fallen the afternoon before. The weeding had
+been so strenuous that Miss Clegg was quite disposed to stop and rest,
+and as she joined her neighbor and read the keen interest that never
+failed to glow in the latter's eyes, her own expression softened
+slightly and she took up her end of the conversation with her customary
+capability at giving forth.
+
+"I don't know," she began, "an' Mr. Kimball don't know either. Elijah
+was tellin' me all about it last night. He _is_ a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop,
+but I don't know but what it pays to have a man around when you can have
+them to talk to like I have him. Of course a new broom sweeps clean an'
+I've no intention of supposin' that Elijah will ever keep on coverin'
+his soap an' scrapin' his feet long, but so far so good, an' last night
+it was real pleasant to hear the rain an' him together tellin' how much
+trouble they're havin', owin' to Hiram's bein' too energetic wringin'
+the handle of the printin' press an' then to think as when he was all
+done talkin' it would be him an' not me as in common decency would have
+to go out in the wet to padlock the chickens. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as
+they're really havin' no end o' trouble over the new paper an' Elijah's
+real put out. He says Hiram had a idea as the more the speed the better
+the paper an' was just wringin' for dear life, an' the first thing he
+knew the first issue begin to slide a little cornerways an' slid off
+into a crank as Elijah never knowed was there, an' him an' Mr. Kimball
+spent the whole of yesterday runnin' around like mad an' no way to fix
+it. As a consequence Elijah's very much afraid as there'll be no paper
+this week an' it's too bad, for every one is in town spendin' the day
+an' waitin' to take it home with them. Young Dr. Brown is goin' to feel
+just awful 'cause he'd bought twenty-five papers to mail to all his
+college class. There was goin' to be a item about him, an' Mrs. Brown
+says it was goin' to be a good one for she fed Elijah mince pie while he
+made his notes for it an' had Amelia play on her guitar, too."
+
+"What do you--?" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I can't say as I really know _what_ to think of him just yet. I
+never see such a young man afore. He has some very curious ways, Mrs.
+Lathrop, ways as make me feel that I can't tell you positively what I
+do think. Now yesterday was the first day as I knowed he'd be gone for
+long, so I took it to go through all his things, an' do you know, away
+down at the bottom of one of his trunks I found a box as was locked an'
+no key anywhere. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I hunted, an' I hunted, an' I
+hunted, an' I couldn't find that key a _tall_. I never had any thin' of
+that kind in my house afore an' of course I ain't goin' to give up
+without a good deal more lookin', but if I can't find that key it'll
+prove beyond a shadow of a doubt as Elijah Doxey ain't of a trustin'
+nature an' if that's true I don't know how I ever _will_ be able to get
+along with him. A trustin' nature is one thing to have around an' a
+distrustin' nature is another thing, an' I can tell you that there's
+somethin' about feelin' as you ain't trusted as makes me take my hands
+right out of my bread dough an' go straight upstairs to begin lookin'
+for that key again. The more I hunt the wilder I get, for it's a very
+small box for a man to keep locked, an' it ain't his money or jewelry
+for it don't rattle when you shake it. It's too bad for me to feel so
+because in most other ways he's a very nice young man, although I will
+say as sunset is midnight compared to his hair."
+
+"Do--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Then too, he said yesterday," Miss Clegg continued, "as he wanted it
+distinctly understood as his things was never to be touched by no one
+an' I told him as he could freely an' frankly rely on me. Now that's
+goin' to make it a great deal more work to hunt for that key from now
+on. An' I don't like to have it made any harder work to find a thing, as
+I have n't found yet a _tall_."
+
+"Wh--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Not me," said Miss Clegg; "I ain't got any give-up in me. I'll keep on
+until I find it if I have to board Elijah Doxey till he dies or till I
+drop dead in my huntin' tracks. But I can see that my feelin' towards
+him is n't goin' to be what it might of been if he'd been frank an'
+open with me as I am with him an' every one else. He seems so frank an'
+open, too--in other ways than that box. He read his editorial aloud
+night afore last an' I must say it showed a real good disposition for he
+even wished the president well although he said as he knowed he was
+sometimes goin' to be obliged to maybe be a little bit hard on him. He
+said as plain speakin' an' to the purpose 'd be the very breath an'
+blast of the _Megaphone_ an' he should found it on truth, honor an' the
+great American people, an' carry Judge Fitch to congress on them lines.
+I thought as Judge Fitch would object to goin' to congress on any lines
+after all he's said about what he thought of congress in public, but
+Elijah says a new paper must have a standard, an' he asked Judge Fitch
+if he minded being nailed to ours, an' the judge said he did n't mind
+nothin' these degenerate days, so Elijah just up with him."
+
+"Did you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"See Mrs. Macy?--yes, I see her in the square yesterday noon. She was
+just back from Meadville. She says the editor of the _Meadville Mixture_
+is awful bitter over our havin' a paper of our own, an' says he'll cross
+tinfoils with Elijah any day. I told Elijah what she said last night,
+but Elijah did n't mind. I hoped tellin' him'd take his appetite away,
+but he ate eleven biscuits just the same. That reminds me as he's comin'
+home to dinner to-day, an' I ought to be goin' in."
+
+"Goo--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+--"But I'll come over after he goes an' tell you how the paper's comin'
+out," Susan added, as she turned from the fence; and as she was always
+true to her promises she did come over to Mrs. Lathrop's kitchen after
+dinner, wearing a clean apron and a new expression--an expression of
+mixed doubt and displeasure.
+
+Mrs. Lathrop hurried to give her a chair and make her welcome, and then
+took a chair herself and sat at attention.
+
+Susan began at once.
+
+"Well," she said, "it's a good thing as the Fishers are thinkin' some of
+sendin' John Bunyan to college, for he's surely a sight too smart for
+this town."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes in wide surprise, as it was certainly not
+about John Bunyan that she had expected to hear tales.
+
+"Elijah says as John Bunyan made them all feel pretty cheap down at the
+printin' press this mornin'," Miss Clegg went on: "seems the whole
+community was squeezin' into the back of Mr. Kimball's store to see what
+under the sun could be done to get the first paper out of the press,
+when all of a sudden John Bunyan spoke up an' asked why they did n't
+turn the handle backward an' empty the whole muss out that way. Well,
+every one see the sense of what he said right off, an' so they began,
+an' as soon as they began to turn the crank backward the paper began to
+come out backward, tore, of course, but as nice as pie.
+
+"Well, Elijah says he most thought his uncle was goin' to take his job
+as editor away and give it to John Bunyan right off, he was so pleased.
+But Mr. Kimball ain't the sort of uncle as Elijah so far supposes
+himself to of got, an' he only give John Bunyan fifty cents' worth of
+soda water tickets, an' they're to work to-night (if Lucy'll let Hiram),
+an' have the paper ready for church to-morrow. The Jilkins an' Sperrits
+was a little disapp'inted 'cause they was n't comin' in to church,
+countin' on stayin' home an' readin' the paper all day instead, but
+Elijah's goin' to put in a late column of late news an' give 'em their
+money's worth that way. Mr. Kimball had arranged to have one whole
+column of Ks to draw attention to his dried apples, an' he's goin' to
+give it up for the occasion an' let Elijah write a Extra about the cause
+of the delay, for that's really all the late news there is. Then, too,
+Elijah's goin' to have a joke about the paper's comin' in among us like
+a man goes into politics, kind of slidin' an' turnin' this way an'
+that, an' I must say I begin to find some of Elijah's ideas pretty
+bright. But my mind's taken a new turn on his subjeck from what he said
+at dinner, an' I will admit, Mrs. Lathrop, as I see now as I misjudged
+him in one way, for he come an' asked me while I was washin' up if I
+knowed any way to open a locked box without a key, for he could n't find
+the key to his flute box nowhere, an' when he was a little nervous
+nights he always wore it off practisin' on his flute. Well, Mrs.
+Lathrop, you can maybe imagine as learnin' as there was a flute in that
+box an' the key lost, an' him in the habit of playin' that flute nights,
+altered my views more 'n a little, an' I can tell you that I had to
+think pretty fast afore answerin' him. While I was thinkin' he said he
+had n't played since he was here, an' he was gettin' so wild to play he
+thought the best way would be to maybe pry the lock open. I see then as
+I'd got to come out firm an' I said I'd never consent to no young man
+in my house, spoilin' a good box like that an' maybe a fine flute too,
+just because he had n't got a little patience. He said I was right about
+its being a fine flute, an' he was just achin' to hear it an' blow it. I
+told him to let me hunt an' maybe I'd find the key, an' so he went off
+some soothed, an' now the Lord have mercy on you an' me, for Elijah
+Doxey never will from this day on. Will you only think of him bein'
+nervous an' playin' nights! It'll be worse than a tree-toad an' you know
+what a tree-toad is, Mrs. Lathrop,--I declare to goodness if Elijah acts
+like a tree-toad he'll drive me stark, ravin' mad."
+
+"Ca--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I don't see how I can," said Miss Clegg, dubiously. "I shall do my
+best, but, oh my, a young man as is a editor an' has red hair an' a
+flute is awful uncertain to count on. I almost wish I had n't took him."
+
+"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I can't now," said Miss Clegg, "the arrangements of this world is
+dreadful hard on women. It's very easy to take a man into your house but
+once a woman has done it an' the man's settled, nobody but a undertaker
+can get him out in any way as is respectable accordin' to my order of
+thinkin'."
+
+"But you--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop, comfortingly.
+
+"I know, but even three months is a long time," said Miss Clegg, "an'
+he's begun to leave his soap uncovered already, an' oh my heavens alive,
+how am I ever goin' to stand that flute!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE NEWSPAPER
+
+
+"I'll tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg the next Monday
+afternoon, "I ain't goin' to stay here so late but what I go home in
+time to make Elijah something hot an' comfortin' for supper to-night. I
+ain't any one to take sides, but I will say that my heart has gone out
+to that poor young man ever since I was down in the square this mornin'.
+I felt to be real glad as he'd took to-day to go up to the city, for I
+must say I'd of felt more'n a little sorry for him if he'd heard folks
+expressin' their opinion about his first paper."
+
+"Did he--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, he went to-day," said Miss Clegg. "He went on the early train an'
+one of the joys of havin' a man in the house was as I had to be up
+bright an' early to get him his breakfast. I must say I never thought
+about his wantin' early breakfast when I agreed to take him, but I'm not
+one to refuse to feed even a editor, so I cooked him cakes just the same
+as I would any one else."
+
+"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I guess maybe he heard things yesterday as made him feel as it'd
+be just as well to let folks have time to sizzle down some afore they
+looked on his bright an' shinin' face again. I tell you what, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I can see as runnin' a newspaper ain't an easy thing an' the
+town is really so up in arms to-day, that I really would of made waffles
+for Elijah to eat instead of just plain cakes, if I'd knowed when he got
+up how mad every one was at him. I can see since I've been down town
+to-day as the square was n't likely to have been no bed of roses for him
+yesterday. The whole community is mad as hornets over the paper. Why, I
+never see folks so mad over nothin' before. Nobody likes his puttin' his
+own name right under the paper's, an' Dr. Brown says the editor belongs
+on the inside, anyhow. Dr. Brown's most _awful_ mad 'cause Elijah's put
+his item right in with the advertisement of Lydia Finkham, an' he says
+he ain't nothin' as pretends to cure anythin' or everybody. He says he's
+a regular doctor as you have to take regular chances with an' he feels
+like suin' Elijah for slander. Gran'ma Mullins is mad, too, 'cause she
+was put in the personals an' Elijah went an' called her the 'Nestor of
+the crick,' without never so much as askin' by her leave. She says she
+ain't never done nothin' with the crick, an' if she ever nested anywhere
+it was in her own owned an' mortgaged house. Hiram says he'll punch
+Elijah if he ever refers to his mother's nestin' again, an' I guess
+Hiram feels kind of sore over Elijah's talkin' of his mother's nestin'
+when all the town knows how much he wishes as Lucy'd settle down and
+nest awhile instead of keepin' 'em all so everlastin'ly churned up. Mrs.
+Macy told me this mornin' as Lucy's whitewashin' the garret this week;
+she see the brush goin' 'round an' 'round the window on her side--she
+says it makes her bones ache just to live next door to Lucy's ways. She
+says they're so different from Gran'ma Mullins' ways. Gran'ma Mullins
+had n't had no whitewashin' done in twenty years--not since she rented
+the cottage of father. That's true an' I know it's true too because
+she's been askin' an' askin' me to have it done an' I said not by no
+means--so she's left off."
+
+"Did--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"The Jilkinses is real mad over the paper, too," Susan continued. "Seems
+as Elijah went an' called 'em the 'Chirpy Cherry Ponders,' an' Mrs.
+Jilkins says where he got the idea as either of 'em ever chirped in
+their lives she cannot conceive, for Mr. Jilkins ain't so much as peeped
+a good part of the time since they were married an' she says as for
+being chirpy, _she_ looks upon the word as city slang. But Judge Fitch
+is about the maddest of all! I did n't read what Elijah said about him
+but every one else did, an' he says he was willin' to run for congress
+for the good of his country, but to put him up in a editorial as says
+he'll be proud to come back from Washington as poor as he goes there, is
+a very poor way to put heart into any man's contest. He says if he's got
+to come back from Washington as poor as he goes he can't see no good an'
+sufficient reason for goin' a _tall_, for he won't gain nothin' an' will
+be out his car fare there an' back. He says he never heard of no one
+comin' back from Washington as poor as they went before, an' it was a
+thing as he supposed could n't be done till he found Elijah had booked
+him to do it. He says if that's what he's to up an' teach his country,
+he don't thank Elijah for advertisin' him as any such novelty an' he
+says he won't go to congress on any such terms--not while he knows
+himself. Mr. Kimball told me as he spoke to Elijah about it yesterday,
+an' Elijah said to him as it would be a strong plank for Judge Fitch to
+stand on in the middle of his platform, but Judge Fitch told Mr. Kimball
+as he could just tell his nephew frank an' open as that one plank in his
+platform had better be weak an' he'd take care to remember to step over
+it every time. He said he was just waitin' for a good chance to tell
+Elijah his opinion of him right to his face, an' he said as he should
+give him to understand as after this he must submit all other planks to
+_him_ afore he printed 'em. Mr. Kimball says that Judge Fitch said good
+gracious him, there would n't be no knowin' what he'd have to live up to
+next, if Elijah was n't reined in tighter. Judge Fitch says the old way
+is good enough for him when he goes to Washington.
+
+"But that ain't all the trouble there is. Mr. Fisher feels very much
+hurt at Elijah's writin' any editorial without consultin' him first. He
+says he told him as he could have give him a motto out of Shakespeare
+about layin' on an' dammin' as would have put life in the campaign right
+off at the beginnin'; an' then there's Mrs. Macy as thinks he was awful
+mean to call her one as carries weight anywhere; I'm sure I wish Elijah
+had let Mrs. Macy alone for she's worse than hornets over that remark of
+his. She says maybe Elijah'll go over two hundred an' fifty hisself some
+day, an' if he does he'll know as it's no joke. She bu'st her rocker
+last night when she read what he said about her, an' she says bu'stin' a
+rocker ought to show better than any words how mad it made her. My, she
+says, but she was mad! I told Elijah when he was gettin' up the paper as
+he'd better never say nothin' about nobody in it, but Elijah can't help
+being a man an' very like all men in consequence, an' he said as a paper
+was n't nothin' without personal items, an' he thought folks would
+enjoy being dished up tart an' spicy. I told him my views was altogether
+different. 'Elijah Doxey,' I says, 'you dish Meadville up tart an' spicy
+an' we'll all feel to enjoy, but you leave folks here alone.' But he
+didn't mind me an' now he's got a lesson as will maybe teach him to
+leave the armchairs of folks as is payin' for his paper unbu'sted
+henceforth."
+
+"Now--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, we get along pretty well," said Susan; "a man's a man, an' of
+course any house always is pleasanter without one in it, but I guess if
+you have to have one around Elijah's about as little bother as you could
+ask. I'm teachin' him to be real orderly in a hurry just by puttin' his
+things where he couldn't possibly find 'em if he leaves 'em layin'
+around. You always can manage pleasantly if you're smart, an' I'm smart.
+If he don't empty his basin, I don't fill his pitcher; if he's late to
+meals, I eat up all as is hot;--oh! there's lots of ways of gettin'
+along, an' I try 'em all turn an' turn about. If one don't work another
+is sure to, an' if he ever does have a wife it won't be my fault--I know
+that.
+
+"Mr. Kimball asked me this mornin' what I thought of him anyhow. Mr.
+Kimball says as Elijah says as he personally thinks this year is sent to
+fit him for suthin' demandin' backbone, an' so he'd ought to be resigned
+to anythin'. That didn't sound just polite to me to my order of thinkin'
+an' Gran'ma Mullins come back just then an' broke in an' said if Elijah
+was resigned she wasn't, an' she hoped he'd never come her way any more
+when he was out pickin' up items."
+
+"Is any one--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I don't know," said Miss Clegg, "I don't believe so. Even the minister
+is mad; I met him comin' home an' I couldn't see what he had to complain
+of, for I didn't remember there bein' a single word about him in the
+whole paper. Come to find out he was all used up 'cause there _wasn't_
+nothin' about him in it. He told me in confidence as he never got such
+a shock in all his life. He says he read the paper over nine times afore
+he was able to sense it, an' he says his last sermon was on hidin' your
+light under a bushel basket an' he had a copy all ready if Elijah had
+only come for it. He says he shall preach next Sunday on cryin' out unto
+you to get up, an' he shall take a copy to Elijah himself. I cheered him
+up all I could. I told him as a sermon preached on Sunday was n't likely
+to be no great novelty to no one on the Saturday after, but I'd see that
+he got it back all safe if Elijah throwed it into his scrap-basket. That
+seems to be the big part of bein' a editor--the throwin' things in his
+scrap-basket. Elijah's scrap-basket is far from bein' the joy of my life
+for he tears everythin' just the same way an' it makes it a long, hard
+job to piece 'em together again. Some days I don't get time an' then I
+_do_ get so aggravated."
+
+"Have you ever--" asked Mrs. Lathrop with real interest.
+
+"Not yet, but he ain't got really started yet. It's when the paper gets
+to Meadville an' Meadville begins to write him back what they think
+about what he thinks of them, that that scrap-basket will be
+interestin'! I guess I'll go home now an' make biscuits for supper. He
+was comin' back on the five-o'clock train. Poor Elijah, he'll have a
+hard day to-morrow but it'll do him good. Men never have to clean house,
+so the Lord has to discipline their souls any way he can, I suppose, an'
+to my order o' thinkin' this runnin' a newspaper is goin' to send Elijah
+a long ways upwards on his heavenly journey."
+
+"Does--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, rising heavily to bid her friend good-bye.
+
+"Most likely," said Susan; "at any rate if he does n't have any
+appetite. I like 'em myself."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+SETTLING DOWN AFTER THE HONEYMOON
+
+
+Miss Clegg and Mrs. Lathrop were sitting on the latter's steps about
+five o'clock one Sunday afternoon when Elijah Doxey came out of the
+former's house and walked away down town.
+
+"I wond--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I don't believe it," said Miss Clegg; "I know the way you look at it,
+Mrs. Lathrop, but _I_ don't believe it. All the girls is after him but
+that ain't surprisin' for girls are made to be after somethin' at that
+age an' there's almost nothin' for them to run down in this community.
+We're very short of men to marry, Mrs. Lathrop, an' what men we have got
+ain't tall enough yet to do it, but still, it ain't no reason why Elijah
+should be in love just because 'Liza Em'ly and all the other girls is
+in love with him. To my order o' thinkin' two sets of people have got to
+love to make a marriage, an' 'Liza Em'ly ain't but one. An' I don't know
+as I want Elijah to be in love, anyhow--not while he lives in my house.
+It might lead to his eatin' less but it would surely lead to his playin'
+the flute more, an' that flute is all I can stand now. He won't marry if
+I can help it, I know _that_, an' I keep his eagerness down by talkin'
+to him about Hiram Mullins all I can, an' surely Hiram is enough to keep
+any man from soarin' into marriage if he can just manage to hop along
+single an' in peace."
+
+"Have you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.
+
+"Well, I should say I had--an' it's fresh on my mind, too. It was
+yesterday an' I see 'em both. Lucy come in the mornin' an' Gran'ma
+Mullins in the afternoon. I'd like to of had Hiram come in the evenin'
+an' tell his end, but Hiram don't dare say a word to no man nowadays.
+As far as my observation's extended a man as lives steady with two women
+gets very meek as to even men. Hiram's learned as his long suit is to
+keep still an' saw wood when he ain't choppin' it."
+
+"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, Lucy come up right after market an' she said the reason she come
+was because she'd just got to talk or bu'st, an' she was n't anxious to
+bu'st yet awhile."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, just the usual tale as any one could o' foreseen if they went an'
+married Hiram Mullins. Any one might of easy knowed as Lucy Dill could
+n't no more enjoy Hiram Mullins than a cat could enjoy swimmin' lessons,
+but she _would_ have him, an' she _had_ to have him, an' now she's got
+him--so help her eternity to come."
+
+"Did she--" questioned Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No," said Miss Clegg, "she ain't been married quite long enough for
+that yet; she's only been married long enough to come out strong an'
+bitter as to blamin' Gran'ma Mullins. I will say this for Lucy, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' that is that a fairer thing than blamin' Gran'ma Mullins
+for Hiram could n't be expected of whoever married Hiram, for it stands
+to reason as no one as had brains could marry Hiram an' not want to
+begin blamin' his mother five minutes after. Gran'ma Mullins never did
+seem able to look at Hiram with a impartial eye, an' Lucy says as it
+beats all kind of eyes the way she looks at him since he's got married.
+Why, Lucy says it's most made her lose faith in her Bible--the way she
+feels about Gran'ma Mullins. She says she's got a feelin' towards
+Gran'ma Mullins as she never knowed could be in a woman. She says she's
+come to where she just cannot see what Ruth ever stuck to Naomi for when
+the husband was dead an' Naomi disposed to leave, too. She says if
+anythin' was to happen to Hiram she'd never be fool enough to hang onto
+Gran'ma Mullins. She sat down an' told me all about their goin' to town
+last week. She says she nigh to went mad. They started to go to the city
+just for a day's shoppin' an' she says it was up by the alarm clock at
+four an' breakfast at six for fear of missin' the nine-o'clock train an'
+then if Gran'ma Mullins did n't lose her little black bead bag with her
+weddin' ring an' the size of Hiram's foot an' eighty-five cents in it,
+so they could n't get him no bargain socks after all! All they could do
+was to buy the safety razor, an' when they got home with that there was
+n't no blade in it, an' they had to go way back to town next day. Come
+to find out the blade was in the box all the time, done up in the
+directions, only Hiram never read the directions, 'cause he said as it's
+a well-known fact as you can't cut yourself with a safety razor whatever
+you do.
+
+"Well, Lucy says it's for that sort of doin's as she left her happy home
+an' her razor-stroppin' father, an' she says the billin' an' cooin' of
+Gran'ma Mullins over Hiram is enough to make a wedded wife sick. She
+says she would n't say it to no one but me, an' I promised her never to
+breathe it along any further, but she says she's beginnin' to question
+as to how long she's goin' to be able to stand it all. She says will you
+believe that nights Gran'ma Mullins is comin' in softly at all hours to
+tuck up Hiram's feet, an' Lucy's forever thinkin' she's either a rat or
+a robber or else hittin' at her for Hiram himself. She says as it's
+Heaven's own truth as Gran'ma Mullins is warmin' his flannels every
+Saturday to this day, an' that the tears stand in her very eyes when
+Lucy won't help him off with his boots."
+
+"I never--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, nor no one else. It's all Gran'ma Mullins' foolishness. She begun
+to be foolish when Hiram begun to know things. I can remember when he
+used to run everywhere behind her with a little whip, 'cause he liked to
+play horse, an' although she used to pretend that she let him 'cause it
+kept the moths out of her clothes, still every one knowed as it was just
+her spoilin' of him. Now he's growed up spoiled an' poor Lucy Dill's got
+the consequences to suffer.
+
+"An' Lucy surely is sufferin'! She says she ain't exactly discouraged,
+but it's swimmin' up Niagara Falls to try an' break either of 'em of
+their bad habits. She says she has to look on at kisses until the very
+thought of one makes her seasick, an' she says to see Gran'ma Mullins
+listenin' to Hiram singin' is enough to make any one blush down to the
+very ground.
+
+"I cheered her all I could. I told her as you can't make no sort of a
+purse out of ears like Hiram's, an' that what can't be cured has always
+got to be lived with unless you're a man. She cried some, poor thing,
+an' said her mother always used to say as Hiram was cut out to make some
+girl wish he was dead, but she said she always thought as her mother
+was prejudiced. She said Hiram had a sort of way with him before he was
+married as was so hopeful, an' he used to look at her an' sigh till it
+just went all through her how happy they'd be if they could only be
+together all they wanted to be together. Well, you c'n believe me or
+not, just as you please, Mrs. Lathrop, but she says he ain't sighed
+once--not once--since they was married, an' as for bein'
+happy--well--she says she's about give up hope. She don't want folks to
+know, 'cause she says she's got some pride, but she says there's no
+tellin' how soon it'll run out if Gran'ma Mullins keeps on huggin'
+Hiram, an' tellin' her how perfect he is over his own head."
+
+"I don't--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I should say not," said Susan; "but Hiram Mullins always was his
+mother's white goose, an' the whole town is a witness. My idea if I was
+Lucy would be to shut right down solid on the whole thing. I'd put a
+bolt on my door an' keep Gran'ma Mullins an' her tuckin' tendencies on
+the other side, an' if Hiram Mullins did n't come to time I'd bolt him
+out, too, an' if he was n't nice about it I'd get out of the window an'
+go home to my father. I guess Mr. Dill would be very glad to have Lucy
+home again, for they say 'Liza Em'ly's no great success keepin' house
+for him. Some one told me as Mr. Dill was in mortal fear as he was
+practically feedin' the minister's whole family every time she went
+home, an' that would be enough to make any man, as had only his own self
+to feed, want his own daughter back, I should think.
+
+"There's Mrs. Macy as would be glad to keep house for him if he 'd marry
+her first, of course, but to my order of thinkin' Mr. Dill don't want to
+marry Mrs. Macy near as much as Mrs. Macy wants to marry Mr. Dill. Mrs.
+Macy says he's pesterin' her to death, an' Mr. Dill says if it's
+pesterin' to speak when you're spoken to, he must buy a new dictionary
+an' learn the new meanin' of the words by heart. Between ourselves, I
+guess Mr. Dill is learnin' the lesson of wedded bliss from lookin' at
+Lucy an' rememberin' her mother. Lucy ain't very happy an' you know as
+well as I do what Mrs. Dill was. Her husband won't marry again in a
+hurry, an' he's smart if he don't, for if Lucy ain't home in less 'n a
+year I'll make you a tea cake."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, you ain't Lucy Dill," said her friend. "If you was you'd be
+different. Lucy says this being waked up by havin' a hot flatiron slid
+in among your feet most any time for no better reason than 'cause his
+mother thought she heard Hiram sneeze, is a game as can be played once
+too often. I see her temper was on the rise so I struck in, an' give her
+a little advice of my own, an' as a result she says she's goin' to take
+a strong upper hand to 'em both an' there won't be no velvet glove on it
+neither. She says she can see as it's do or die for her now, an' she
+don't mean to be done nor to die neither. She drank some tea as I made
+strong on purpose, an' shook her head hard an' went home, an' God help
+Hiram if he hummed last night; an' as for Gran'ma Mullins, Lucy said if
+she come stealin' in to feel if Hiram was breathin' reg'lar, she was
+going to get slapped for a mosquito in a way as she'd long remember."
+
+"Dear me--" commented Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I did n't blame her," said Miss Clegg. "Of course I did n't know
+as I was going to hear the other side afore night fell, but hearin' her
+side stirred me up so that I give her my advice, an' my advice was to
+put the bootjack under her pillow. There ain't no sense in women
+sufferin' any more, to my idea of thinkin'. It's a good deal easier to
+go to bed with a bootjack, an' I look to see Lucy really happy or Hiram
+smashed flat soon in consequence."
+
+"But you--" said Mrs. Lathrop, wide-eyed.
+
+"I know, an' that did change my ideas. Of course when I was talkin' to
+Lucy I was n't expectin' to see Gran'ma Mullins so soon, but I won't say
+but what I was glad to see Gran'ma Mullins, too. It's a most curious
+feelin', I d'n know as I ever feel a curiouser than to hear both sides
+of anythin' from the both sides themselves right one after the other in
+the same day. O' course I learned long ago to never take any sides
+myself unless one of 'em was mine; but I will say as I don't believe no
+one could feel for others more 'n I do when I hear folks shakin' their
+heads over what as a general thing a person with brains like mine knows
+is their own fault, an' knowed was goin' to be their own fault afore
+they ever even began to think of doin' it.
+
+"Now there was Lucy Dill yesterday forenoon mournin' 'cause Hiram is
+Hiram an' his mother is his mother, an' then after dinner there comes
+Gran'ma Mullins with her bonnet strings an' her tears all streamin'
+together, an' wants my sympathy 'cause Lucy herself is Lucy herself.
+Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't but feel proud o' being able to hold the
+reins so hard on my own bit that I never up an' told either on 'em the
+plain truth, which is as they was all fools together to of ever looked
+for the weddin' service to have changed any on 'em."
+
+"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I don't know as I'm prepared to say what I think. To hear Lucy you'd
+think _she_ was surely the martyr, but to hear Gran'ma Mullins you would
+n't be sure after all. Gran'ma Mullins says after the honeymoon is over
+every one expects to settle down as a matter of course, an' she would
+n't say a word against it only it's Lucy is doin' all the settlin' an'
+poor Hiram as is doin' all the down. She says it's heartbreakin' to be a
+only mother an' watch the way as Hiram is being everlastin'ly downed.
+She says as we all remember that bright an' happy weddin' day[B] an' how
+she downed her own feelin's an' waved rice after 'em just like
+everybody else when they started off weddin'-trippin', each with their
+own bag in his own hand. But, oh, she says, the way they come back! She
+says they come back with Hiram carryin' both bags, an' her heart sunk
+when she see 'em for she says when she was married it was _her_ as come
+home carryin' both bags an' she says it's one of the saddest straws as
+ever blows a bride out. She says she never expected much of her marriage
+'cause she was engaged on a April Fool's Day in Leap Year, an' he give
+her an imitation opal for a ring, but she says Hiram give Lucy a real
+green emerald with a 18 an' a K inside it an' he looked to be happy even
+with his mother's tears mildewin' his pillow every night that whole
+summer. She says no one will ever know how hard she did try to get sense
+into Hiram that summer afore it was too late. She says she used to sit
+up in tears an' wait for him to come home from seein' Lucy, an' weep on
+his neck with her arms tight round him for two or three hours
+afterwards every night, but she says he never used to appreciate it. An'
+she says what he needed to marry for, anyway, Heaven only knows, with
+his whole life laid pleasantly out to suit him, an' a strong an'
+able-bodied mother ready an' smilin' to hand him whatever he wanted just
+as quick as he wanted it. An' she says she never asked him to do nothin'
+as she could possibly do herself an' the way Lucy orders him
+about!--well, she says it's beyond all belief. An' oh, but she says it
+goes through her like a chained-up bolt of lightnin' the voice Lucy
+speaks to him in, an' she said she would n't have no one know it for
+worlds but she says as near as she can figger she hit him over the head
+with a hairbrush night before last."
+
+[B] See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs."
+
+"With a--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast.
+
+"She says she ain't absolutely positive, but they was a-chasin' a June
+bug in their room together, an' she heard the smash an' the next mornin'
+when she went in to make Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy (she says
+Lucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker) she see the nick on the brush, an'
+she says when she see the nick an' remembered how hollow it rung, she
+knew as it could n't possibly have been nothin' in that room except
+Hiram's head. She says if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush now,
+Heaven only knows what she'll be after him with in a year, for Gran'ma
+Mullins' own husband went from a cake of soap to a whole cheese in a
+fortnight an' she says it's a well-known fact as when a married man is
+once set a-goin' he lands things faster an' faster. She says she thinks
+about the andirons there, ready to Lucy's hand, until she's scared
+white, an' yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd attract her to the
+water pitcher."
+
+"Did Mr.--" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly, after several attempts to
+slide a question-quoit in among Susan's game of words.
+
+"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. I could n't understand what he did do
+with them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just as awful for he
+grated the whole cake o' that soap on her front teeth to teach her not
+to never refer to the deacon again, an' he dropped the cheese square on
+her head when he was up on a step-ladder an' she was in a little
+cupboard underneath leanin' over for a plate, an' then he tried to make
+out as it was an accident. She says it was n't no accident though. She
+says a woman as gets a cheese on the back of her head from a husband as
+is on a step-ladder over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident story;
+she says that cheese like to of hurt her for life an' was the greatest
+of the consolations she had when he died. She says she never will forget
+it as long as she's alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her heaven she
+won't; she says when the cemetery committee come to her an' want her to
+subscribe for keepin' him trimmed with a lawn mower an' a little flag on
+Decoration Day, she always thinks of that cheese an' says no, thank
+you, they can just mow him regularly right along with the rest.
+
+"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an' cold to see Hiram settin' out
+along that stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned every pin in from
+first to last. She says if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with him,
+but no, to bed he must go feelin' as bright as a button, an' in the
+mornin', oh my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear him wake up, for
+Lucy washes his face so sudden with cold water that he gives one howl
+before he remembers he's married, an' five minutes after she hangs every
+last one of the bedclothes square out of the window.
+
+"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a pretty sad tale first an' last, an'
+Gran'ma Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep being led to its
+halter, but she says she can't feel as meekness pays women much. She
+says she was meek an' Hiram's meek, an' she did n't get no reward but
+soap an' that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so far is the hairbrush, an'
+the water pitcher loomin'.
+
+"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage was n't enough took into
+consideration nowadays, an' that it was too easy at the start, an' too
+hard at the finish. You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there ain't a
+mite o' doubt but what if the honeymoon come just afore the funeral
+there'd be a deal more sincere mournin' than there is as it is now, an'
+to _my_ order of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore the children,
+folks would raise their families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mullins just that
+very thing but it did n't seem to give her much comfort. She give a
+little yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from havin' to sit by an'
+watch Lucy Dill raise Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd never
+be able to give 'em enough pie on the sly to keep 'em happy an' any one
+with half an eye could see they'd be washed an' brushed half to death.
+She says Lucy won't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards or sweep
+a room without carryin' all the furniture out into the yard; oh my, she
+says her ways is most awful an' I expect that, to Gran'ma Mullins, they
+are.
+
+"I cheered her all I could. I told her she'd better make the best o'
+things now, 'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd make her madder
+an' madder, an' they'll all soon be lookin' back to this happy first
+year as their one glimpse of paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy told
+me o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucy
+or he'd never stand being hit for a June bug or woke with a wash-cloth.
+But I did kind of wonder how long it would last. If I was Lucy it would
+n't last long, I know _that_. If I'd ever married a man I don't know how
+long he'd of stood it or how long I'd of stood him, but I know one
+thing, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from my heels to my hairpins--an' I
+said it to Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it to you now--an'
+that is that if I could n't of stood him I would n't of stood him, for
+this is the age when women as read the papers don't stand nothin' they
+don't want to--an' I would n't neither."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, you ain't me," said Miss Clegg, "you ain't me an' you ain't
+Elijah neither. I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no livin' in the
+house with any man as supposes livin' in the house with any other woman
+is goin' to be pleasanter than livin' in the house with the woman as
+he's then an' there livin' in the house with. The main thing in life is
+to keep men down to a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but yours an'
+keep yourself down to a low opinion of the man. You don't want to marry
+him then an' he don't want to live with any one else. An' to my order of
+thinkin' that's about the only way that a woman can take any comfort
+with a man in the house."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+SUSAN CLEGG'S FULL DAY
+
+
+"Well," said Miss Clegg, with strong emphasis, as she mounted Mrs.
+Lathrop's steps, "I don't know, I'm sure, what I've come over here for
+this night, for I never felt more like goin' right straight off to bed
+in all my life before." Then she sat down on the top step and sighed
+heavily.
+
+"It's been a full day," she went on presently; "an' I can't deny as I
+was nothin' but glad to remember as Elijah was n't comin' home to
+supper, for as a consequence I sha'n't have it to get. A woman as has
+had a day like mine to-day don't want no supper anyhow, an' it stands to
+reason as if I don't feel lively in the first place, I ain't goin' to be
+made any more so by comin' to see you, for I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop,
+that seein' you always makes me wonder more'n ever why I come to see you
+so often when I might just as well stay home an' go to bed. If I was in
+my bed this blessed minute I'd be very comfortable, which I'm very far
+from bein' here with this mosquito aimin' just over my slap each time;
+an' then, too, I'd be alone, an' no matter how hard I may try to make
+myself look upon bein' with you as the same thing as bein' alone, it is
+n't the same thing an' you can't in conscience deny _that_, no matter
+how hard you may sit without movin'."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop made no reply to this frank comment on her liveliness, and
+after a short pause, Miss Clegg sighed heavily a second time, and
+continued:
+
+"It's been a full day, a awful full day. In the first place the rooster
+was woke by accident last night an' he up an' woke me. He must of woke
+me about three o'clock as near as I can figure it out now, but I
+supposed when I was woke as of course it was five so I got right up an'
+went in an' woke Elijah. Elijah told me last week as he did n't believe
+he'd ever seen the sun rise an' I was just enough out of sorts to think
+as to-day would be a good time for him to begin to turn over a new leaf
+as far as the sunrise was concerned. I must say he was n't very spry
+about the leaf, for all he did was to turn himself over at first, but I
+opened his window an' banged the blinds three or four times an' in the
+end he got woke up without really knowin' just what had woke him. We had
+breakfast with a candle, an' then Elijah was so tired lookin' out for
+the sunrise that he looked in at his watch an' see as it was only
+quarter to four then. He was real put out at that at first 'cause he
+wrote till half past two last night, an' in the end he went back to bed
+an' it certainly was a relief to see the last of him, for I may in
+confidence remark as I never see him look quite so stupid afore. After
+he was gone back to bed I washed up the breakfast dishes an' then I
+went out in the wood shed in the dark an' there I got another surprise,
+for I thought I'd look over the rags I was savin' for the next rag rug
+an' when I poured 'em out in my lap, what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop,
+what _do_ you think poured out along with 'em?--Why, a nest of young
+mice an' two old ones!
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe imagine my feelin's at four in the
+mornin' with Elijah gone back to bed an' my own lap full of mice, but
+whatever I yelled did n't disturb him any an' I just made two jumps for
+the lamp in the kitchen, leavin' the mice wherever they hit to rearrange
+their family to suit themselves. Well, the second jump must needs land
+me right square on top of the cistern lid, an' it up an' went in, takin'
+my left leg along with it as far as it would go. Well, Mrs. Lathrop,
+talk of girls as can open an' shut, like scissors, in a circus--I was
+scissored to that degree that for a little I could n't think which
+would be wisest, to try an' get myself together again in the kitchen or
+to just give up altogether in the cistern. In the end I hauled the leg
+as had gone in out again, an' then I see where all the trouble come
+from, for the cistern lid was caught to my garter an' what I'd thought
+was a real injury was only it swingin' around an' around my leg. I put
+the lid back on the cistern an' felt to sit with my legs crossed for
+quite a while, thinkin' pleasant thoughts of the rooster as woke me, an'
+by that time it was half past four, an' I could hear all the other
+chickens stirrin' so I got up an' began to stir again myself. I opened
+the front door an' looked out an' that did n't bring me no good luck
+either, for as I looked out a bat flew in an' just as the bat flew in he
+managed to hook himself right in my hair. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I tell you
+I _was_ mad then. I don't know as I ever was madder than I was then. I
+was so mad that I can't tell you how mad I was. The bat held on by
+diggin' in like he thought I wanted to get him off, an' I pulled at him
+so hard that I can't in conscience be surprised much over his takin'
+that view of it. Well, in the end I had to take all my hairpins out
+first an' then sort of skin him out of my hair lengthways, which,
+whatever you may think about it, Mrs. Lathrop, is far from bein' funny
+along afore dawn on a day as you 've begun at three thinkin' as it was
+five."
+
+"Susan!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop; "don't--"
+
+"No, I'll have some when I get home. I like mine better than yours
+anyway. Now you've made me forget where I was in my story."
+
+"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh yes, I remember now. Well, I was too put out at first to notice what
+the bat did after I got him out o' my head, but when I went upstairs I
+found him circlin' everywhere in a way as took every bit of home feelin'
+out of the house an' I just saw that I'd have no peace till I could be
+alone with Elijah again. So I got up an' got a broom an' went a battin'
+for all I was worth. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just
+as you please, but for one solid hour I run freely an' gayly up an' down
+an' over an' under my own house after that bat. I never see nothin' like
+that bat before or behind. He just sort of sailed here an' there an'
+everywhere, an' wherever he sailed smoothly an' easily there was me
+runnin' after him with the broom, whackin' at him every chance I got. We
+was upstairs, we was downstairs, we was in the wood shed an' out of the
+wood shed, we was under the kitchen table, we was over father's picture
+on the mantel--we was everywhere, me an' that bat. Then all of a sudden
+he disappeared completely an' I sit down in the rockin'-chair to puff
+an' rest. Elijah slept till most eight an' I was so tired I let him
+sleep although I never was one to approve of any man's sleepin', but
+before he woke something worse than a bat come down on me, an' that was
+Mrs. Sweet's cousin, Jerusha Dodd. You know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop,
+an' so do I, an' so does everybody an' as far as my observation 's
+extended bats is wise men bringin' their gifts from afar to visit you
+compared to Jerusha Dodd when she arrives in the early mornin'. I would
+n't never have gone to the door only she stepped up on the drain-pipe
+first an' looked in an' saw me there in the rockin'-chair afore she
+knocked. I tell you I was good an' mad when I see her an' see as she see
+me an' I made no bones of it when I opened the door. I says to her frank
+an' open--I says, 'Good gracious, Jerusha, I hope you ain't lookin' to
+see me pleased at seein' as it's you.' But laws, you could n't smash
+Jerusha Dodd not if you was a elephant an' she was his sat-down-upon
+fly, so I had her sittin' in the kitchen an' sighin' in less'n no time.
+She was full of her woes an' the country's woes as usual. Congress was
+goin' to ruin us next year sure, an' she had a hole in her back fence
+anyway; she did n't approve of Mr. Rockefeller's prices on oil, an'
+there was a skunk in her cellar, an' she said she could n't seem to
+learn to enjoy livin' the simple life as she'd had to live it since her
+father died, a _tall_. She said that accordin' to her views life for
+single women nowadays was too simple an' she said she really only lacked
+bein' buried to be dead. She says as all a simple life is, is havin' no
+rights except them as your neighbors don't want. She says for her part
+she's been more took into the heart of creation than she's ever cared
+about. I do hate to have to listen to the way she goes on an' no one can
+say as I ever was one to encourage her in them views. I don't think it's
+right to encourage no one in their own views 'cause their views is never
+mine an' mine is always the right ones. This mornin' I stood it as long
+as I could from Jerusha an' then I just let out at her an' I says to
+her, I says, 'Jerusha Dodd, you really are a fool an' Heaven help them
+as ever makes more of a fool of you, by tellin' you as you ain't.' You
+know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop; she began to cry hard an' rock harder
+right off, said she knowed she was a fool, but it was nature's fault an'
+not hers for she was born so an' could n't seem to get the better of it.
+I told her my view of the matter would be for her to stay home an' patch
+up that hole in her fence an' pull up some o' that choice garden full of
+weeds as she's growin', an' brush the dust off the crown of her bonnet,
+an' do a few other of them wholesome little trifles as is a good deal
+nearer the most of us than Mr. Rockefeller] an' what congress in its
+infinite wisdom is goin' to see fit to deal out in the daily papers next
+year.
+
+"But she only kept on cryin' an' rockin' an' finally I got so tired
+listenin' to her creak an' sob that I went out an' had a real bright
+idea. I got the little sink scratcher an' tied a wet piece of rag to
+the handle an' went around behind her an' hung it suddenly in her back
+hair. She put up her hand an' felt it, an' give a yell that woke Elijah.
+You know how Jerusha Dodd acts when she's upset! She spun around so the
+sink scratcher fell right out but she did n't have sense enough left in
+her to know it. She yelled, 'What was it? what was it?' an' I yelled,
+'It was a bat, it was a bat;' an' at that I see the last of Jerusha
+Dodd, for she was out of my kitchen an' out of my sight afore Elijah
+could get to the top of the stairs to begin yellin', 'What was it? what
+was it?' on his own hook. I had to tell him all about it then an' he
+wanted it for a item right off. He said he'd have a dash for Jerusha an'
+a star for me, an' the idea took him like most of his ideas do, an' he
+laughed till he coughed the coffee as I'd saved for him all the wrong
+way, an' dropped a soft boiled egg as I'd boiled for him into the water
+pitcher, an', oh my, I thought misfortunes never would come to a end or
+even to a turnin'. But after he'd fished out the egg an' eat it, he went
+off down to his uncle's an' he was n't more'n gone when in come Mrs.
+Sweet to see if Jerusha left her breastpin, 'cause in her quick
+breathin' it had fallen somewhere an' Jerusha was havin' hysterics over
+losin' that now. While I was talkin' to Mrs. Sweet at the gate I smelt
+somethin' burnin' an' there my whole bakin' of bread was burnt up in the
+oven owin' to Jerusha Dodd's breathin' her breastpin out over a bat. I
+felt to be some tempered then, an' Mrs. Sweet saw it an' turned around
+an' left me, an' after she was gone I went into the house an' pulled
+down the shades an' locked the door an' went to sleep. I slept till
+Elijah come home to dinner an' of course there was n't no dinner ready
+an' that put Elijah out. Elijah's got a good deal of a temper, I find,
+an' the only thing in the world to do with a man in a temper, when he is
+in a temper, is to make him so mad that he goes right off in a huff an'
+leaves you to peace again. So I just made one or two remarks about my
+opinion of things as he feels very strong about, an' he said he guessed
+he'd get supper down town an' sleep at the store to-night. So he took
+himself off an' he was hardly out of the way when Mrs. Macy come to tell
+me about Judy Lupey's divorce."
+
+"Is--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Not yet, but she soon will be," said Miss Clegg. "Mrs. Macy's just back
+from Meadville an' she says all Meadville is churned up over it. They
+ain't never had a divorce there afore, an' every one is so interested to
+know just how to do it, an' I will say this much for Mrs. Macy, an' that
+is that she was nothin' but glad to tell me all about it. Seems as the
+Lupeys is most awful upset over it though an' Mrs. Kitts says she ain't
+sure as she won't change her will sooner than leave money to a woman
+with two husbands."
+
+"Two--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Mrs. Macy says," continued Susan, "as Mrs. Lupey ain't much better
+pleased than Mrs. Kitts over it all, an', although she did n't say it in
+so many words, she hinted pretty plain as it seemed hard as the only one
+of the girls to get married should be the same one as is gettin'
+divorced. Mrs. Macy said she see her point of view, but to her order of
+thinkin' the world don't begin to be where old maids need consider
+divorces yet awhile. She says she stayed in the house with 'em all three
+days an' she says she cheered Mrs. Lupey all she could; she says she
+told her to her best ear as no one but a mother would ever have dreamed
+of dreamin' of Faith or Maria's ever marryin' under any circumstances.
+She said Mrs. Lupey said it was the quickness of Judy's gettin' tired of
+Mr. Drake as had frightened her most. Why, she says as before the first
+baby was through teethin' in her day, Judy was all up an' through an'
+completely done with Mr. Drake. All done with him an' home again, an'
+the family not even countin' to consider.
+
+"Mrs. Macy says as she's learned a awful lot about divorce as she did
+n't know before. She said she could n't help being surprised over how
+much a divorce is like a marriage, for Busby Bell was there every night
+an' Judy an' the whole family is hard at work gettin' her clothes ready.
+But Mrs. Macy says them as suppose the real gettin' of the divorce
+itself is simple had ought to go an' stay at the Lupeys awhile. Why, she
+says the way the Lupeys is complicated an' tied up by Judy an' Mr. Drake
+is somethin' beyond all belief. To begin with, Judy decided to be
+deserted because she thought it'd really be the simplest an' easiest in
+the end an' she hated to bother with bein' black an' blue for witnesses
+an' all that kind of business. But it seems being deserted, when you
+live in the same town with a husband who rides a bicycle an' don't care
+where he meets you, is just enough to drive a woman nigh to madness
+itself. Why, Mrs. Macy says that Judy Lupey actually can't go out to
+walk a _tall_, not 'nless Faith walk a block ahead of her an' Maria a
+block behind, an' even then Mr. Drake's liable to come coastin' down on
+'em any minute. She says it's awful tryin', an' Judy gets so mad over it
+all that it just seems as if they could _not_ stand it.
+
+"But that ain't the only trouble neither, Mrs. Macy says. Seems Judy got
+Solomon Drake for her lawyer 'cause he knowed the whole story, through
+eatin' dinner at the Drakes every Sunday while they was stayin' married.
+She thought havin' Solomon Drake would save such a lot of explainin'
+'cause Mr. Drake is so hard to explain to any one as has just seen him
+ridin' his bicycle an' not really been his wife. Well, seems as Judy
+never calculated on Solomon's keepin' right on takin' Sunday dinner with
+Mr. Drake, after he became her lawyer, but he does, an' none of the
+Lupeys think it looks well, an' Judy finds it most tryin' because all
+she an' Solomon talk over about the divorce he tells Mr. Drake on Sunday
+out of gratitude for his dinner an' because it's a subject as seems to
+really interest Mr. Drake. Seems Mr. Drake is a hard man to interest.
+Judy says he was yawnin' afore they got to the station on their
+honeymoon.
+
+"But Mrs. Macy says that ain't all, neither, whatever you may think, for
+she says what do you think of Mr. Drake's goin' an' gettin' Busby Bell
+of all the men in Meadville for _his_ lawyer, when the whole town knows
+as it's Busby as Judy's goin' to marry next. Mrs. Lupey says as Judy
+would have took Busby for her own lawyer only they was so afraid of
+hurtin' each other's reputations, an' now really it's terrible, 'cause
+Busby says as he don't well see what's to be done about their
+reputations if the worst comes to the worst, for he's explained as very
+likely Judy's goin' to need one more man than a husband to get her her
+divorce. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as Busby said as if he had n't
+been Mr. Drake's lawyer he'd have been more than ready to be the other
+man, but as Mr. Drake's lawyer he can't help Judy no more'n if he was
+Mr. Drake himself. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey cried, an' she told her as
+she knowed as there was any number of quiet elderly men as any one could
+depend on right here in our own community as'd be nothin' but glad to go
+over to Meadville an' help anyway they could, but Mrs. Lupey asked Judy
+about it, an' Judy asked Busby, an' Busby said men as you could depend
+on anywhere was n't no use in divorce suits a _tall_. It's quite another
+kind, it seems. Mrs. Macy says she's really very sorry for them all, for
+it really seems awful to think how the Lupeys need a man an' the only
+man they've got Judy's busy gettin' rid of as hard as she can.
+
+"Mrs. Macy says it's all most upsettin'. She says she never lived
+through nothin' like it afore. Judy's cross 'cause she can't go out an'
+meet Busby without runnin' the risk of meetin' Mr. Drake an' losin' all
+the time she's put in so far bein' deserted. An' then there's a many
+things as a outsider never would know about or even guess at unless
+they've lived right in the house with a real live divorce. Mrs. Macy
+says as Martha Hack, as does the washin' for 'em all, is forever
+forgettin' an' sendin' Judy's wash home with Mr. Drake's just as if they
+was still completely married. That would n't be so bad only Mr. Drake
+waits for Solomon to get 'em Sunday, an' Solomon's kind-hearted an'
+gives 'em to Busby so as to give him a excuse to make two calls in one
+day. Well, Mrs. Macy says the come out of it all is as when Judy wants
+to take a bath just about all Meadville has to turn out to see where
+under heaven her clean clothes is.
+
+"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, tellin' it all to you does n't matter so
+much, but to hear Mrs. Macy tell it makes you wonder if it's worth while
+to try an' leave a man as you can't live with. Seems to me it'd be
+easier to live with him. Mrs. Macy says as she met Mr. Drake several
+times herself on his bicycle an' he looked most bloomin'. No one need
+be sorry for him, an' not many is sorry for Judy. But Mrs. Macy says
+there's only one person as all Meadville's sorry for, an' that's Busby
+Bell."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop started to speak.
+
+"Yes," Susan went on hurriedly. "Elijah said just that same thing the
+other day when he was talkin' about the Marlboroughs. He thinks as
+divorces is all a mistake, but then you're a widow an' Elijah ain't
+married so you're both pretty safe in airin' your views."
+
+Susan rose just here and descended the steps. "I must go," she said, "I
+don't seem to take no particular interest in what you might be goin' to
+tell me, Mrs. Lathrop, even if there was any chance of your ever gettin'
+around to tellin' it, an' I've told you all I know, an' I'm very tired
+talkin'. As I said before, it's been a full day an' I'm pretty well beat
+out. I forgot to tell you as after Mrs. Macy was gone I found as it was
+n't the bread I smelt in the oven--it was the bat. I suppose when I see
+Mr. Kimball he'll make one of his jokes over bread-dough an' bats an'
+batter, but I'll be too wore out to care. Did I say as Elijah said he'd
+sleep at the store to-night?"
+
+"Will--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, all of a sudden.
+
+"Why, of course," said Susan, "it did n't hurt either loaf a mite. I'd
+be as much of a fool as Jerusha Dodd if I let a little thing like a bat
+spoil a whole bakin' of bread for me, Mrs. Lathrop. As for Elijah, he
+did n't know nothin' about it an' I sha'n't tell him, you may be sure,
+for he's the one as eats all the bread--I never touch it myself, as you
+well know."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+THE EDITOR'S ADVICE COLUMN
+
+
+"I'm a good deal worried over Elijah," Miss Clegg said to Mrs. Lathrop,
+one day when the new paper was about three weeks old, and when the town
+had begun to take both it and its editor with reasonable calm; "he does
+have so many ideas. Some of his ideas are all right as far as I can see,
+but he has 'em so thick an' fast that it worries me more'n a little. It
+ain't natural to have new ideas all the time an' no one in this
+community ever does it. He's forever tellin' me of some new way he's
+thought of for branchin' out somewhere an' his branches make me more'n a
+little nervous. The old ways is good enough for us an' I try to hold him
+down to that idea, but first he wants me to get a new kind of flatirons
+as takes off while you heat it, an' next he wants me to fix the paper
+all over new.
+
+"I brought over somethin' as he wrote last night to read you, an' show
+you how curious his brains do mix up things. He brought it down this
+mornin' an' read it to me, an' I asked him to give it to me to read to
+you. I was goin' to bring it to you anyway, but then he said as I could
+too, so it's all right either way. It's some of his new ideas an' he
+said he'd be nothin' but glad to have you hear 'em 'cause he says the
+more he lives with me the more respect he's got for your hearin' an'
+judgment. He asked me what I thought of it first, an' I told him frank
+an' open as I did n't know what under the sun to think of it. I meant
+that, too, for I certainly never heard nothin' like it in my life afore,
+so he said we could both read it to-day an' I could tell him what we
+thought to-night, when he come home.
+
+"Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with real interest.
+
+"Well, seems he's been thinkin' as it's time to begin to show us how
+up-to-date he looks on life, he says, an' as a consequence he's openin'
+up what he calls the field of the future. He says he's goin' to have a
+editorial this week on beginnin' from now on to make every issue of the
+_Megaphone_ just twice as good as the one afore. I told him if he really
+meant what he said it could n't possibly be worth no dollar a year now,
+but he said wait an' see an' time would tell an' virtue be her own
+reward. He says he's goin' to make arrangements with a woman in the city
+for a beauty column, an' arrangements with some other woman as is a
+practical preserver, an' have a piece each time on how to be your own
+dressmaker once you get cut out; I thought that these things was about
+enough for one paper, but oh my! he went on with a string more, as long
+as your arm. He's goin' to begin to have a advice column too, right
+off, an' that's this I've brought over to read you; he says lots of
+folks want advice an' don't want to tell no one nor pay nothin' an' they
+can all write him an' get their answers on anythin' in the wide world
+when the paper comes out Saturday. I could n't but open my eyes a little
+at that, for I know a many as need advice as I should n't consider
+Elijah knew enough to give, but Elijah's a man an' in consequence don't
+know anythin' about how little he does know, so I did n't say nothin'
+more on that subject. He's full of hope an' says he's soon goin' to show
+big city papers what genius can do single-handed with a second-hand
+printin' press, an' he talked an' talked till I really had to tell him
+that if he did n't want his breakfast he'd have to go back to bed or
+else down town."
+
+"Is the--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, this is it. He done it last night an' he give it to me this
+mornin' to read to you. It's to be called 'The Advice Column' an' he's
+goin' to head it 'Come to My Bosom' an' sign it 'Aunt Abby' 'cause of
+course if he signed it himself he'd be liable for breach of promise from
+any girl as read the headin' an' chose to think he meant her."
+
+"But who--?" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Why, nobody the first week, of course. He had to make 'em up
+himself--an' the answers too, an' that's what makes it all seem so silly
+to me. But he did work over it,--he says no one knows the work of
+gettin' people stirred up to enthusiasm in a small town like this, an'
+he says he'd ought to have a martyr's crown of thorns, he thinks, for
+even thinkin' of gettin' a advice column started when most of his
+energies is still got to go tryin' to get our fund for the famine big
+enough to make it pay to register the letter when the cheque goes. He
+says the trouble with the fund is no one has no relations there an' a
+good many thought as it was mostly Chinamen as is starvin' anyhow.
+Elijah says the world is most dreadful hard-hearted about
+Chinamen--they don't seem to consider them as of any use a _tall_. He
+says it's mighty hard to get up a interest in anythin' here anyhow, Lord
+knows--for he says that San Francisco fund an' what become of it has
+certainly been a pill an' no mistake. The nearest he come to that was
+gettin' a letter as Phoebe White wrote the deacon about how the
+government relief train run right through the town she's in, but Elijah
+says after all his efforts he has n't swelled the famine fund
+thirty-five cents this week. He says Clightville has give nine dollars
+an' Meadville has give fifteen dollars an' two barrels an' a mattress,
+if anybody wants it C. O. D., an' here we are stuck hard at six dollars
+an' a quarter an' two pennies as the minister's twins brought just after
+they choked on them licorish marbles."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, I did n't. I tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop, I keep a learnin'; in
+regard to givin' to funds I've learned a very good trick from
+Rockefeller an' Carnegie in the papers; they come to me about that San
+Francisco one an' I said right out frank an' open that if the town would
+give five hundred dollars I'd give fifty. That shut up every one's mouth
+an' set every one to thinkin' how much I was willin' to give an' as a
+matter of fact I did n't give nothin' a _tall_."
+
+"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes," said Susan, opening the paper which she had in her hand, "I was
+just thinkin' of it, too. I'll read it to you right off now an' you see
+if you don't think about as I do. I think myself as Elijah's made some
+pretty close cuts at people, only of course every one will guess as he
+must of made 'em up 'cause they don't really fit to no one. Still, it's
+a risky business an' I wish he'd let it alone for he lives in my house
+an' I know lots of folks as is mean enough to say that these things was
+like enough said to him by me--a view as is far from likely to make my
+friends any more friendly."
+
+"Do--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, I'm goin' to." Then Miss Clegg drew a long breath and re-began
+thus:
+
+"Well, now, the first is, 'How can you put pickles up so they'll keep
+the year 'round?'" She paused there and looked expectantly at the placid
+Mrs. Lathrop as if she was asking a riddle or conducting an examination
+for the benefit of her friend. Mrs. Lathrop, however, had turned and was
+looking the other way so it was only when the length of the pause
+brought her to herself with a violent start, that she answered:
+
+"My heavens ali--"
+
+"The answer is," said Susan promptly, "'Put 'em up so high that nobody
+can reach them.'"
+
+Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes.
+
+"I don't--" she protested.
+
+"No, I did n't think as it was very sensible myself," responded Susan,
+"but do you know, Elijah laughed out loud over it. That's what's funny
+about Elijah to my order of thinkin'--he's so amused at himself. He
+thinks that's one of the best things he's done as a editor, he says, an'
+I'm sure I can't see nothin' funny in it any more than you can. An' you
+don't see nothin' funny in it, do you?"
+
+"No," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--"
+
+"Nor me neither," said Susan, "an' now the next one is sillier yet, to
+my order of thinkin'. It's a letter an' begins, 'Dear Aunt Abby;' then
+it says, 'Do you think it is possible to be happy with a young man with
+freckles? My husband says Yes, but my mother says No. He's my husband's
+son by his first wife. I have twins myself. I want the boy sent to a
+home of some sort. What do you think? Yours affectionately--Ada.'"
+
+"What under the--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Just what I said," said Susan. "I could n't make head or tail out of it
+myself an' I'm afraid it'll make Deacon White mad 'cause Polly's his
+second wife--yes, an' the minister's got two wives, too. I tried to make
+Elijah see that but he just said to read the answer."
+
+"What is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, the answer's just as dumbfounderin' as the question, I think. The
+answer says, 'Hang on to the boy. If you get the twin habit he'll prove
+invaluable.'"
+
+"Well, I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, disgustedly.
+
+"I told Elijah that myself. I said that the minister was bound to feel
+hurt over the second wife part, but with twins in the answer he's sure
+to feel it means him an' I expect he'll maybe stop takin' the paper an'
+join Mrs. Macy's club. Mrs. Macy got real mad at somethin' Mr. Kimball
+sold her last week an' as a consequence she went an' made what she calls
+her Newspaper Club, she rents her paper for a cent a day now an' she
+made four cents last week. She says if Elijah Doxey ever says anythin'
+in the paper about her again she'll take three papers an' rent 'em at
+two mills a day an' supply the whole town an' wreck him so flat he'll
+have to hire out to pick hops. I told Elijah what she said an' he said
+for the Lord's sake to tell Mrs. Macy as her toes was hereafter
+perfectly safe from all his treads. I told her, but she says he need n't
+think quotin' from poets is goin' to inspire faith in him in her very
+soon again. She says over in Meadville it's town talk as Elijah Doxey is
+havin' just a box of monkeys' fun with us."
+
+"Do you--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed.
+
+"No, I don't, for I asked him an' he crossed his heart to the contrary.
+But really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read the rest of this for I've
+got to be gettin' home to get supper."
+
+"Go--" said the neighbor.
+
+"No, I won't till I've done. The next one is this one an' it says, 'How
+long ought any one to wait to get married? I have waited several years
+an' there is nothin' against the man except he's eighty-two an'
+paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an' Ma oppose the match an' are the
+oldest couple in the country,' an' Elijah has signed it 'Lovin'ly,
+Rosy'--of all the silly things!"
+
+"He must be--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I should think so," said Susan; "why, he was rollin' all over the sofa
+laughin' over that. The answer is, 'I would wait a little longer--you
+can lose nothin' by patience.' I call that pretty silly, too."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, indeed," said Susan, folding up the paper, "I felt it an' I said
+it, an' I knew you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I must say as I
+don't like his Advice Column, an' I'd never be one to advise no one to
+write to it for advice. His answers don't seem to tell you nothin', to
+my order of thinkin', an' that one about the pickles struck me just like
+a slap in my face."
+
+"I'd never--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Nor me neither. If I want to know I come to you."
+
+"And I--" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly.
+
+"I know you would," said her friend, "whatever faults you've got, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I'd always feel that about you."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+MRS. MACY AND THE CONVENTION
+
+
+Mrs. Lathrop was out in the garden, pottering around in an aimless sort
+of way which she herself designated as "looking after things," but which
+her friend and neighbor called "wastin' time an' strength on nothin'."
+Whenever Miss Clegg perceived Mrs. Lathrop thus engaged she always
+interrupted her occupation as speedily as possible. On the occasion of
+which I write, she emerged from her own kitchen door at once, and
+called:
+
+"Oh, Mrs. Lathrop, come here, I've got a surprise for you."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop forthwith ceased to gaze fondly and absent-mindedly over
+her half-acre of domain, and advanced to the fence. Miss Clegg also
+advanced to the fence, and upon its opposite sides the following
+conversation took place.
+
+"I went to see Mrs. Macy yesterday afternoon," Miss Clegg began, "an' I
+saw her an' that's what the surprise come from."
+
+"She isn't--" asked Mrs. Lathrop anxiously.
+
+"Oh, no, she's all right--that is, she's pretty nearly all right, but I
+may remark as the sight an' hearin' of her this day is a everlastin'
+lesson on lettin' women be women an' allowin' men to keep on bein' men
+for some years to come yet. Mrs. Macy says for her part she's felt that
+way all along but every one said it was her duty an' she says she always
+makes a point of doin' her duty, an' this time it was goin' to give her
+a free trip to town, too, so the hand of Providence seemed to her to be
+even more'n unusually plainly stuck out at her."
+
+"Oh," said Mrs. Lathrop--"you mean--"
+
+"Of course I do," said Susan, "but wait till I tell you how it come out.
+It's come out now, an' all different from how you know."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, you wait an' listen," said the friend,--"you wait an' listen an'
+then you'll know, too."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, submissively.
+
+"She says," Miss Clegg went on, "that we all know (an' that's true, too,
+'cause I told you that before) as she was never much took with the idea
+even in the first of it. She says as she thinks as Elijah's ideas is
+gettin' most too progressive an' if he ain't checked we'll very soon
+find ourselves bein' run over by some of his ideas instead of pushed
+forward. She says woman's clubs is very nice things an' Mrs. Lupey takes
+a deal of pleasure with the one in Meadville (whenever they don't meet
+at her house)--but Mrs. Macy says our sewin' society ain't no club an'
+never was no club, an' she considers as it was overdrawin' on Elijah's
+part to start the question of its sendin' a delegate to any federation
+of any kind of woman's clubs. She says she can't see--an' she said at
+the meetin' as elected her, that she couldn't see--what our sewin'
+society could possibly get out of any convention, for you can buy all
+the patterns by mail now just as well as if you have 'em all to look
+over. An' then she says, too, as no one on the face of kingdom come
+could ever be crazy enough to suppose as any convention could ever get
+anythin' out of our delegates, so what was the use of us an' them ever
+tryin' to get together a _tall_. I thought she was very sensible
+yesterday, an' I thought she was very sensible at the meetin' as elected
+her, an' I tried to talk to Elijah, but Elijah's so dead set on our
+bein' up to time with every Tom, Dick an' Harry as comes along with any
+kind of a new plan, that I can't seem to get him to understand as no one
+in this town wants to be up to time--we're a great deal better suited
+takin' our own time like we always did until he come among us. Mrs. Macy
+says as we all know as no one wanted to be a delegate to the federation
+to begin with, an' you know that yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, for I was there
+an' Elijah's idea resulted in the first place in every one's stayin'
+away from that meetin' for fear as they'd be asked to go. They had to
+set another day for the sewin' society an' even then a good many cleaned
+house instead for a excuse, an' Mrs. Sweet said right out as she did n't
+believe as any of us knowed enough to go to a convention an' so we'd
+better all stay home. I had to speak up at that an' say as Elijah had
+told me as things was fixed now so folks as did n't know anythin' could
+go to a convention just as well as any one else, but Mrs. Jilkins said
+in that case she should feel as if she was wastin' her time along with a
+lot of fools, an' what she said made such a impression that in the end
+the only one as they could possibly get to go was Mrs. Macy, so they
+elected her. Mrs. Macy was n't enthusiastic about bein' elected, a
+_tall_, but Mrs. Lupey is her cousin an' Mrs. Lupey was the Meadville
+delegate, an' she says she thought as they could sit together, an' Mrs.
+Lupey wanted to go to the city anyway about reducin' her flesh, an' Mrs.
+Macy said that was sure to be interestin' for the one as Mrs. Lupey
+likes best is the one as you run chains of marbles up an' down your back
+alone by yourself, an' Mrs. Macy wanted to see them givin' Mrs. Lupey
+full directions for nothin'--she thought it would be so amusin'--an' so
+in the end she said she'd go.
+
+"Well, she says foreign folks before they come to this country is wise
+compared to her! She was tellin' me all about it this afternoon. I never
+hear such a tale--not even from Gran'ma Mullins. She says Elijah sent in
+her name an' they filed her next day an' she says they've never quit
+sendin' her the filin's ever since. I told you as I heard in the square
+she was gettin' a good deal of mail but I never mistrusted how much
+until she showed me her box for kindlin' fires next winter. Why, she
+says it's beyond all belief! The right end of the box has got the papers
+as was n't worth nothin' an' the left end has got them as is really
+valuable. Well, after I'd looked at the box we set down an' she told me
+the hide an' hair of the whole thing. She says at first she got letters
+from everybody under the sun askin' her her opinions an' views, some
+about things as she never heard of before an' others as to things as she
+considers a downright insult to consider as she might know about. But
+she says views an' insults don't really matter much, after you reach her
+age, so she let those all go into the box together an' thought she'd
+think no more about it. She says there was only just one as she really
+minded an' that was the one about her switch. Seems she was n't decided
+about even wearin' her switch to the convention, for she says it's very
+hard to get both ends of a switch fastened in at the same do-up an' one
+end looks about as funny as the other, stickin' out, but she says you
+can maybe imagine her feelin's when a man as she would n't know from
+Adam wrote her a letter beginnin', 'Hello, hello, why don't you have
+that dyed?' an' a picture of him lookin' at a picture of her very own
+switch with a microscope! She says she never was so took aback in all
+her life. There was another picture on the envelope of the man at a
+telephone an' he'd got all the other delegates' switches done an'
+hangin' up to dry for 'em an' she says she will say as the law against
+sendin' such things through the mail had certainly ought to be applied
+to that man right then an' there. She says it's years since she's got
+red from anythin' but bein' mad, but she was red from both kinds of
+woman's feelin's then an' don't you forget it. But laws, she says
+switches is child's play to what another man wrote her about his
+garters. Not her garters but his garters, mind you, Mrs. Lathrop. Would
+you believe that that other man had the face to ask her point-blank if,
+while she was in town, she'd be so kind as to give five minutes to
+comin' an' lookin' at his garters!--at _his garters_! He said they
+hooked onto his shoulders an' he just wanted a chance to tell her how
+comfortable they was. Well, she says the idea of any man's garters bein'
+of any interest to a widow was surely most new to her, an' it was all
+she could do to keep from writin' an' tellin' him so. She says she never
+hear the beat of such impertinence in all her life. Why, she says when
+she had a husband she never took no special interest in his garters as
+she recollects. She says she remembers as he used to pull up when he
+first got up in the mornin' an' then calmly wrinkle down all day, but
+she says if her lawful husband's garters' wrinkles did n't interest her,
+it ain't in reason as any other man's not wrinklin' is goin' to. But
+she says that ain't all whatever I may think (or you either, Mrs.
+Lathrop), for although the rest ain't maybe so bad, still it's bad
+enough an' you 'll both agree to that when you hear it, I know. She says
+more men wrote her, an' more, an' more, an' the things they said was
+about all she could stand, so help her Heaven! One asked her if she
+knowed she needed a new carpet an' he happened to keep carpets, an'
+another told her her house needed paintin' an' he happened to keep
+paint, an' another just come out flat as a flounder an' said if she
+knowed how old her stove was, she'd come straight to him the first
+thing, an' he happened to keep stoves. An' she says they need n't
+suppose as she was n't sharp enough to see as every last one of them
+letters was really writ to sound unselfish, but with the meanin'
+underneath of maybe gettin' her to buy somethin'.
+
+"An' then she says there come a new kind as really frightened her by
+gettin' most too intimate on postal cards."
+
+"On postal--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes--on postal cards. One wrote as she could get her husband back if
+she'd only follow his direction, an' she says the last thing she wants
+is to get her husband back, even if he is only just simply dead; an'
+another told her if she'd go through his exercises she could get fat or
+thin just as she pleased, an' the exercises was done in black without no
+clothes on around the edge of the card, an' Mrs. Macy says when Johnny
+handed her the card at the post office she like to of died then an'
+there. Why, she says they was too bad to put in a book, even--they was
+too bad to even send Mrs. Lupey!"
+
+"Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Then on Monday last still another new kind begin an' they've been
+comin' more an' more each mail. They was the convention itself beginnin'
+on her. An' she says she don't know whether they was a improvement or
+worse to come. One wrote an' told her if she was temperance to report
+to them the first thing, an' then stand shoulder to shoulder from then
+on straight through the whole week. Well, Mrs. Macy says she could n't
+consider goin' anywhere an' standin' up through a whole week so she
+wrote 'em she was for the Family Entrance, where everybody can sit down,
+an' she feels bad because she's a great believer in temperance, but she
+says she can't help it, she's got to have a chair anywhere where she's
+to stay for a week. So temperance loses Mrs. Macy. Then woman's
+sufferige did n't wait to ask her what she was, but sent her a button
+an' told her to sew it right on right then an' there. She says she was
+feelin' so bad over the temperance that she was only too glad to be
+agreeable about the button so she done it, but it's hard to button over
+on a'count of bein' a star with the usual spikes an' the only place
+where she needed a button was on her placket hole, an' a spiked button
+in the back of your petticoat is far from bein' amusin' although she
+says she can't but think as it's a very good badge for sufferige
+whenever she steps on it in steppin' out of her clothes at night. Then
+next she got a letter askin' her if she'd join the grand battalion to
+rally around the flag, an' she says it was right then an' there as she
+begin to fill the kindlin' box.
+
+"Well, she says she'd got the box half full when to-day she got the
+final slam in her face!
+
+"There came this mornin' her directions for goin' an' she says when she
+see for the first time just the whole width of what she was let in to
+she most fell over backward then an' there.
+
+"First was a badge with a very good safety pin as she can always use;
+she says she did n't mind the badge. Then there was paper tellin' her as
+she was M. 1206 an' not to let it slip her mind an' to mark everythin'
+she owned with it an' sew it in her hat an' umbrella. Then there was a
+map of the city with blue lines an' pink squares an' a sun without any
+sense shinin' square in the middle. Then there was a paper as she must
+fill out an' return by the next mail if she was meanin' to eat or sleep
+durin' the week. Then there was four labels all to be writ with her name
+an' her number an' one was for her trunk if it weighed over a hundred
+pounds, an' one was for her trunk if it weighed under a hundred pounds,
+an' one was for her trunk if it was a suit case, an' one was for her
+trunk if it was n't.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Macy says you can maybe imagine how her head was swimmin' by
+this time an' the more she read how she was to be looked out for, the
+more scared she got over what might possibly happen to her. She says it
+was just shock after shock. There was a letter offerin' to pray with her
+any time she'd telephone first, an' a letter tellin' her not to overpay
+the hack, an' a letter sayin' as it's always darkest afore dawn, an' if
+she'd got any money saved up to bring it along with her an' invest it
+by the careful advice of him as had the letter printed at his own
+expense. Why, she says she didn't know which way to turn or what to do
+next she was that mixed up.
+
+"An' then yesterday mornin' come the final bang as bu'sted Mrs. Macy!
+She got a letter from a man as said he'd meet her in the station an'
+tattoo her name right on her in the ladies' waitin'-room, so as her
+friends could easy find her an' know her body at the morgue. Well, she
+said that ended her. She says she never was one to take to bein' stuck
+an' so she just up an' wrote to Mrs. Lupey as she would n't go for love
+or money--"
+
+"Why," cried Mrs. Lathrop, "then she isn't--"
+
+"No," said Susan, "she isn't goin'. She ain't got the courage an' it's
+cruel to force her. I told her to give me the ticket an' I'd go in her
+place."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+THE BIENNIAL
+
+
+On the day that the Convention of Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop,
+having seen her friend depart, composed herself for a period of
+unmitigated repose which might possibly last, she thought, for several
+days. Susan had awakened her very early that morning to receive her back
+door key and minute instructions regarding Elijah and the chickens.
+Elijah had undertaken to look after the chickens, but Miss Clegg stated
+frankly that she should feel better during her absence if her friend
+kept a sharp eye on him during the process. "Elijah's got a good heart,"
+said the delegate, "but that don't alter his bein' a man an' as a
+consequence very poor to depend upon as to all things about the house.
+I don't say as I lay it up against him for if he was like Deacon White,
+an' had ideas of his own as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'd
+drive me mad in no time, but still I shall take it as a personal favor
+of you, Mrs. Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you see him if he's
+remembered all I told him, an' _don't_ let him forget the hen as is
+thinkin' some of settin' in the wood shed, for if she does it, she'll
+need food just as much as if she does n't do it."
+
+Then Miss Clegg departed, with her valise, her bonnet in a box, and some
+lunch in another box. She went early, for the simple reason that the
+train did the same thing, and as soon as she was gone Mrs. Lathrop, as I
+before remarked, went straight back to bed and to sleep again. She had a
+feeling that for a while at least no demand upon her energies could
+possibly be made, and it was therefore quite a shock to her when some
+hours later she heard a vigorous pounding on her back door.
+
+Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop was
+some minutes in getting to the door, and when she got there, was some
+seconds in fumbling at the lock with her dream-benumbed fingers; but in
+the end she got it open, and then was freshly paralyzed by the sight of
+her friend, standing without, with her valise, her bonnet-box, her lunch
+in the other box, and the general appearance of a weary soldier who has
+fought but not exactly won.
+
+"Why, Susan, I thought you--" began Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyes
+both popping widely open.
+
+"I did, an' I've got through an' I've come home." Miss Clegg advanced
+into the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited her belongings upon
+the table and herself upon a chair. "I've been to the convention," she
+said; then, "I've been to the convention, an' I've got through with
+that, too, an' I've got home from that, too."
+
+"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing into a more advanced stage of
+perplexity, as she came more fully to herself, noted more fully her
+friend's exceedingly battered appearance, and folding what she had
+slipped on well about her, sought her rocker.
+
+"I don't know, I'm sure," said Susan, "it beats me what anybody else
+does it for, either. But you must n't ask me questions, Mrs. Lathrop,
+partly because I'm too tired to answer them, an' partly because I've
+come over to tell you anyhow an' I can always talk faster when you don't
+try to talk at the same time."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about of her overgarment, and prepared to
+hold her tongue more tightly than ever.
+
+"In the first place," said Susan, speaking in the highly uplifted key
+which we are all apt to adopt under the stress of great excitement mixed
+with great fatigue; "in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know as Mrs.
+Macy insisted on keepin' the badge 'cause she said she wanted to work
+it into that pillow she's makin', so I had to get along with the card as
+had her number on it. As a consequence I naturally had a very hard time,
+for I could n't find Mrs. Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe from the
+start clear through to the finish. I can tell you I've had a hard day
+an' no one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to me never again. I'm too
+full of Women's Wrongs for my own comfort from now on, an' the way I've
+been treated this day makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem before
+I'd ever be a delegate to nothin' run by women again.
+
+"In the first place when I got to the train it was full an' while I was
+packin' myself into the two little angles left by a very fat man, a
+woman come through an' stuck a little flag in my bonnet without my ever
+noticin' what she done an' that little flag pretty near did me up right
+in the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin' to a Woman's Convention
+makes you everybody's business but your own from the beginnin', an' that
+little flag as that woman stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one as
+I was a delegate.
+
+"I set with a very nice lady as asked me as soon as she see the little
+flag if I knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption from one as
+has n't. I told her I did n't an' she talked about that till we got to
+town, which made the journey far from interestin' an' is goin' to make
+it very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of my life. Then we got out
+an' I got rid of her, but that did n't help me much, for I got two
+others as see the little flag right off an' they never got off nor let
+up on me. I was took to a table as they had settin' in the station
+handy, put in their own private census an' then give two books an' a map
+an' seven programs an' a newspaper an' a rose, all to carry along with
+my own things, an' then a little woman with a little black bag as had
+noticed the little flag too took me away, an' said I need n't bother
+about a thing for I could go with her an' welcome.
+
+[Illustration: "'A lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if I
+was a delegate or an alternative.'" _Page_ 119]
+
+"I did n't want to go with her, welcome or not, but they all seemed
+pleased with the arrangement, so I went with her, an' I was more'n a
+little mad for every time I dropped the rose or a program, tryin' to get
+rid of them, she'd see it an' pick it up an' give it back to me. We
+walked a little ways in that pleasant way an' then she asked me how I
+was raisin' my children, an' I said I did n't have none. She said, 'Oh
+my, what would Mr. Roosevelt say to that?' and I said it was n't his
+affair nor no other man's. I may in confidence remark as by this time I
+was gettin' a little warm, Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"We come to the convention hall after a good long walk an' I was quite
+hot two ways by that time, for I was mad an' awful tired too. The little
+woman left me then an' a lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me
+if I was a delegate or an alternative 'cause it was important to know
+right off in the beginnin'. I told her I was for Mrs. Macy an' she got
+out a book an' looked in it very carefully to see for sure whether to
+believe me or not an' then she told me to go on in. There was a door as
+squeaked an' they pushed me through it an' I found myself, bag, flag an'
+all, in the convention.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never see the beat of that place in all my life.
+They'd done what they could to make it cheerful an' homelike by paintin'
+it green at one end but it was plain to be seen as the paint soon give
+out an' towards the top the man as was paintin' must of give out too,
+for he just finished up by doing a few circles here an' there an' then
+left it mainly plain. Below was all chairs an' they'd started to
+decorate with banners but they'd given out on banners even quicker than
+on paint an' the most of the hall was most simple.
+
+"I walked up as far towards the front as I could an' then I sat down. I
+can't say as I was very comfortable nor much impressed an' the folks
+further back was very restless an' kept sayin' they could n't hear what
+was goin' on on the platform. There was a lady on the platform hammerin'
+a table for dear life an' to my order of thinkin' anybody must have been
+deaf as could n't have heard her hammerin', but she looked happy an'
+that was maybe the main thing, for a woman behind me whispered as the
+spirit of her with the hammer just filled the room. Well, I stood it as
+long as I could an' then I got up an' remarked frank an' open as if
+every one would keep still every one could easy hear. They all clapped
+at that, but the lady with the hammer could n't seem to even hear me an'
+hammered worse than ever all the while they was clappin'.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to make a long story short it was n't very
+interestin'--I will even in confidence remark as I found it pretty dull.
+I read all my seven programs an' made out as the first day was give to
+greetin' an' the next to meetin'. The next was on trees an' the one
+after that they was all goin' to drive. An' so on, an' so on. Then I
+smelt my rose some, an' a thorn stuck into my nose some an' the
+hammerin' made me very tired an' finally a woman come in an' said I had
+her seat so I give it to her with a glad heart an' come out, an' I never
+was happier to do anythin' in my whole life before. But I was hardly out
+when a lady as I had n't seen yet see my little flag an' pounced on me
+an' said was I Miss Clegg? an' I did n't see nothin' to be gained by
+sayin' I was n't so I said Yes, I was.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, that was pretty near to bein' the beginnin' of my
+end. That woman hustled me into a carriage, give my valise to the driver
+an' told him to be quick. I was too dumb did up by her actions to be
+able to think of anythin' to say so I just sit still, an' she pinned a
+purple ribbon onto me an' told me she'd read two of my books an' died
+laughin' only to look at me. I was more than afraid as she was crazy but
+she talked so fast I could n't even see a chance to open my mouth so I
+did n't try.
+
+"She said when they was gettin' ready for the convention an' dividin' up
+celebrities among themselves that she just took me right off. She said
+as she was goin' to give a lunch for me an' a dinner for me an' I don't
+know what all. She was still talkin' when the carriage stopped at a
+hotel.
+
+"She said I must n't mind a hotel much 'cause her husband minded company
+more, an' I did n't see any sort of meanin' to her remark, but David in
+the lions' den was a roarin' lion himself compared to me that minute, so
+I just walked behind her an' she took me in an' up in a elevator an'
+into a room with a bathroom an' a bouquet an' there she told me to give
+her the key of the valise an' she'd unpack while I was in the bath tub.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm sure I never had no idea of needin' a bath that
+bad when I set off for the city to-day, an' you'll maybe be surprised at
+me bein' so wax about extra washin' in her hands, but I was so wild to
+get away from her an' her steady talk by that time, that I give her the
+key an' went into the bathroom an' made up my mind as I'd try a bath all
+over at once for the first time in my life, seein' as there did n't seem
+to be nothin' else to do, an' the tub was handy.
+
+"So I undressed an' when I was undressed I begin to look where I was to
+leap. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never see such a tub as that tub in all
+your life before! There was a hole in the middle of the bottom an' the
+more water run in the more water run out. At first I could n't see how I
+was goin' to manage but after a while I figured it out an' see as there
+was nothin' for me to do but to sit on that hole an' paddle like I was
+paid for it with both hands at once to keep from being scalded while the
+tub filled from two steady spurts one boilin' an' one of ice water.
+Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never felt nothin' like that kind of a bath
+before!
+
+"If I tried to wash anywhere as was at all difficult I lost my grip on
+the hole an' the water went out with a swish as made Niagara look like a
+cow's tail afore I could possibly get in position again. I was n't more
+'n halfway down my washin' when the awfulest noise begin outside an' the
+convention itself was babes sleepin' in soothin' syrup compared to
+whatever was goin' on in that next room.
+
+"I tell you I got out of that tub in a hurry an' rubbed off as best I
+could with a very thick towel marked 'Bath' as was laid on the floor all
+ready, an' got into my clothes an' went out.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you may believe me or not just as you please, but
+it was _another_ lady with _another_ delegate with _another_ purple
+ribbon an' _another_ little flag. The ladies was very mad an' the other
+delegate was bitin' her lips an' lookin' out the window. In the end the
+ladies was so mad they went down to the telephone an' left the delegate
+an' me alone in the room together.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but
+that other delegate asked me my name an' when I told her she said it was
+her name, too. Then she laughed until she cried an' said she never hear
+anythin' to beat us. She said it was all as clear as day to her an' that
+she should write a story about it. She said about all she got out of
+life was writin' stories about it an' she never lost a chance to make a
+good one. She said she wished I'd stay with her an' I could have half
+the bed an' half of that same tub as long as I like.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, the long an' short of it was as I felt that no
+matter how kind she was I would n't never be able to be happy anywhere
+where I had to be around with a woman who talked all the time, an' sleep
+in a bed with another Susan Clegg, an' wash in a tub as you have to stop
+up with some of yourself, so I just took my things an' come home by the
+noon train an' I'll stay here one while now, too, I guess."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, I was just going to ask you where you put it," said Miss Clegg, "I
+shall need it to get in the back door."
+
+"It's--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I can get it myself," said her friend, rising. "Well, good-bye. I won't
+deny as I'm mad for my lunch won't be any the better for ridin' to town
+an' back this hot day, but the Lord fits the back to the burden, so I
+guess Elijah will be able to eat it, leastways if he don't he won't get
+nothin' else,--I know _that_, for it was him as got up the fine idea of
+sending a delegate from the sewin' society to the convention an' I don't
+thank him none for it, I know _that_."
+
+"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly.
+
+"I ain't sure," said Miss Clegg. "Elijah strikes me as more thorns than
+roses this night. I never was one to feel a longin' for new experiences,
+an' I've had too many to-day, as he'll very soon learn to his sorrow
+when he comes home to-night."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+THE FAR EASTERN TROPICS
+
+
+"You look--" said Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously, one afternoon, when Susan
+Clegg had come around by the gate to enjoy a spell of mutual sitting and
+knitting.
+
+"Well, I am," confessed Susan, unrolling her ball and drawing a long
+breath; "I may tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I really never
+was more so. What with havin' to look after Elijah's washin' an' his
+mendin' an' his cookin' an' his room, an' what with holdin' down his new
+ideas an' explainin' to people as he did n't mean what it sounds like
+when I ain't been able to hold 'em down, I do get pretty well wore out.
+I can see as Mr. Kimball sees how Elijah is wearin' on me for he gives
+me a chair whenever I go in there now an' that just shows how anxious
+he is for me to rest when I can, but it really ain't altogether Elijah's
+fault for the way my back aches to-day, for I got this ache in a way as
+you could n't possibly understand, Mrs. Lathrop, for I got it from
+sittin' up readin' a book last night as you or any ordinary person would
+of gone to sleep on the second page of an' slept clear through to the
+index; but I was built different from you an' ordinary persons, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' if I'd thanked the Lord as much as I'd ought to for that
+I'd never have had time to do nothin' else in _this_ world."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with interest.
+
+"It was a book," said her friend, beginning to knit assiduously--"a book
+as a boy he went to school with sent Mr. Fisher with a postal card,
+sayin' as every American man 'd ought to read it thoughtfully. Mrs.
+Fisher took it out of the post office an' read the postal card, an' she
+said right off as she did n't approve of Mr. Fisher's reading books as
+every man ought to know, so she let me have it to bring home an' read
+till she gets through makin' over her carpets. I brought the book home
+done up to look like it was a pie, an' I will frankly state, Mrs.
+Lathrop, as you could have dropped me dead out of any balloon when I
+found out what it was about. It was n't the kind of book the postal card
+would have led you to suppose a _tall_--it was about Asia, Mrs. Lathrop,
+the far side or the near side, just accordin' to the way you face to get
+the light while you read, an' so far from its bein' only intended for
+men it's all right for any one at all to read as has got the time. Now
+that I'm done it an' know I have n't never got to do it again, I don't
+mind telling you in confidence that for a book as could n't possibly
+have been meant to be interestin' it was about as agreeable readin' as I
+ever struck in my life. There was lots in it as was new to me, for it's
+a thick book, an' all I knowed about that part of the world before was
+as Java coffee comes from Java an' the Philippines from Spain. But I
+know it all now, an' Judge Fitch himself can't tell me nothin' from this
+day on that the man who wrote that book ain't told me first. I'll bet I
+know more about what that book 's about than any one in this community
+does, an' now that I know it I see why the man said what he did on the
+postal card for it _is_ a book as every man ought to read, an' I read in
+the paper the other day as the main trouble with the men in America was
+as they knowed all about what they did n't know nothin' about, an' did
+n't know nothin' a _tall_ about the rest."
+
+"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"But I don't see how the man that wrote it is ever goin' to make any
+money out of it," pursued her friend, "for it's pretty plain as it's
+every bit written about things that Americans don't want to really learn
+an' what the rest of the world learned long ago. If I was very patriotic
+I don't believe I'd have read it clear through to the end myself, but I
+ain't never felt any call to be patriotic since the boys throwed that
+firecracker into my henhouse last Fourth of July. I will say this for
+the hen, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that she took the firecracker a good
+deal calmer'n I could, for I was awful mad, an' any one as seed me ought
+to of felt what a good American was spoiled then an' there, for all I
+asked was to hit somethin', whether it was him as throwed the cracker or
+not an' that's what Judge Fitch always calls the real American spirit
+when he makes them band-stand speeches of his in the square. Oh my,
+though, but I wish you had n't reminded me of that hen, Mrs. Lathrop,
+her tail never will come in straight again I don't believe, an' she's
+forever hoppin' off her eggs to look out of the window since she had
+that scare."
+
+Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked very sympathetic.
+
+"But about this book," Susan went on after a second of slightly
+saddened reflection. "I'm goin' to tell you all about it. Elijah 's
+goin' to write a editorial about it, too. Elijah says this business of
+downtreadin' our only colony has got to be stopped short right now as
+soon as he can call the government's attention to how to do it.
+
+"Well, the book begins very mild an' pleasant with Hongkong an' it ends
+with the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong ain't Chinese for all it's
+named that an' growed there--it's English--an' as for the Philippines
+there's eight millions of 'em, not countin' the wild ones as they can't
+catch to count an' ask questions. In between Hongkong an' the
+Philippines the man who wrote the book runs around that part of the
+world pretty lively an' tells who owns it an' what kind of roads they've
+got an' who'd better govern 'em an' all like that. You might think from
+hearin' me as he sort of put on airs over knowin' so much himself, but
+it don't sound that way a _tall_ in the book. It's when he finally got
+to the Philippines as any one can see as he really did begin to enjoy
+himself. He enjoyed himself so much that he really made me enjoy myself,
+too, although I can't in reason deny as I felt as I might not of been
+quite so happy only for that firecracker. The kind of things he says
+about our doin's in those countries is all what you don't get in the
+papers nor no other way, an' if the United States really feels they're
+in the right as to how they're actin' all they need to do is to read how
+wrong they are in that book where a man as really knows what he's
+talkin' about has got it all set down in black an' white. I don't
+believe it's generally knowed here in America as Dewey took Aguinaldo
+an' his guns over to Manila an' give him his first start at fightin' an'
+called him 'general' for a long time after they'd decided in Washington
+as how he was n't nothin' but a rebel after all. I never knowed anythin'
+about that, an' I will remark as I think there's many others as don't
+know it, neither, an' I may in confidence remark to you, Mrs. Lathrop,
+as that book leads me to think as the main trouble with the Philippines
+is as they are bein' run by folks as don't know anythin' about the place
+they're runnin' an' don't know nothin' about runnin' for anythin' but
+places. The man in the book says the Philippines ain't very well off
+being pacified, an' that the Americans ain't no great success pacifyin'
+'em, for it seems as they made five thousand expeditions after 'em in
+one year, an' only got hold of five thousand natives in all. That's a
+expedition to a man, an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as it's small wonder
+we're taxed an' they're taxed, with some of our new fellow citizens as
+hard to grab as that. To my order of thinkin' it'd be wisest to let 'em
+chase each other for ten or twenty years first an' then when they was
+pretty well thinned out we could step in an' settle with the survivors;
+but accordin' to the man who wrote the book you can't never tell a
+American nothin', an' I must say that my own experience in this
+community has proved as he knows what he's sayin' all straight enough.
+He says the Philippines is in a very bad way, an' so is their roads, but
+he says that all the folks in this country is so dead satisfied with
+their way an' poor roads that they ain't goin' to do nothin' to help
+either along any."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"He says," continued Susan, "that the United States is just so happy
+sittin' back an' observin' the Philippines, an' the Philippines is so
+far off that if they die of starvation while being observed no one'll
+ever be the wiser. He says the United States is payin' for the army, an'
+the Philippines is tryin' to live with it, an' seein' as they don't work
+much an' the Chinese is forbidden to work for 'em, he don't see no help
+nowhere. What he said about the Chinese was very interestin', for I
+never see one close to, an' it seems they're a clean race only for
+likin' to raise pigs in their garrets. It seems, too, as if you let 'em
+into any country they'll work very hard an' live very cheap an' pay most
+of the taxes with the duty on opium as they've got to eat, an' games as
+they've got to play."
+
+"I sh'd think--" said Mrs. Lathrop, looking startled.
+
+"Well, I should, too," said Susan, "but accordin' to the book the
+Philippines ain't to be allowed any such luxury as havin' the Chinese to
+develop their country an' pay their taxes. No sir, they've all got to go
+to school an' learn English first, an' although he says right out plain
+that the Philippines needs Chinese an' good roads a deal worse 'n they
+need the army an' the schools, still it's the army an' the schools as
+America is going to give them, an' they can get along without the roads
+an' the Chinese as best they can. They certainly must be gettin' a good
+deal of schoolin', but the man says all the teachers teach is English,
+an' as none of the children can speak English they don't get much
+learned. I thought I could sort of see that he thought we 'd ought to
+of straightened out the South of our own country afore we begun on any
+other part of the world, an' it _is_ the other half of the world, too,
+Mrs. Lathrop, for I looked it up on a map an' it begins right under
+Japan an' then twists off in a direction as makes you wonder how under
+the sun we come to own it anyway, an' if we did accidentally get it
+hooked on to us by Dewey's having too much steam up to be able to stop
+himself afore he'd run over the other fleet, we'd ought anyway to be
+willin' to give it away like you do the kittens you ain't got time to
+drown. The whole back of the book is full of figures to prove as it's
+the truth as has been told in front, but the man who wrote it didn't
+think much of even the figures in the Philippines for he says they put
+down some of what they spend in Mexican money an' some in American an'
+don't tell what they spend the most of it for in either case. He says he
+met some very nice men there an' they was workin' the best they knew
+how but they did n't think things were goin' well themselves an' it's
+plain to be seen that he spoke of 'em just like you give a child a cooky
+after a spankin'. What interested me most was there's a Malay country
+over there as the English began on twenty-five years ago an' have got
+railroaded an' telegraphed an' altogether civilized now, an' we've had
+the Philippines ten years an' ain't even got the live ones quieted down
+yet."
+
+"What do you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, earnestly.
+
+"Oh," said her friend, "I ain't never had no ideas on the Philippine
+question since Judge Fitch got his brother made a captain in the war
+just because he was tired supportin' him. Mr. Kimball said then as all
+wars was just got up to use up the folks as respectable people did n't
+want to have around no longer an' I must say as I believe him. Mr.
+Weskin told me as it's been quietly knowed around for hundreds of years
+as the crusades was a great success as far as gettin' 'em off was
+concerned just for that very reason, an' I guess we're hangin' on to the
+Philippines because it's a place a good long ways off to send poor
+relations after good salaries. The man who wrote the book said a man did
+n't need to know hardly anythin' to go there an' I must say from what I
+see of the few who have come back they don't look like they spent much
+spare time studyin' up while they was in the country."
+
+Susan stopped knitting suddenly and stuck her needles into the ball.
+
+"I've got to go home," she said. "I've just remembered as I forgot to
+fill the tea-kettle. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we've had a nice talk about our
+foreign possessions an' all I can say in the end is as that whole book
+made me feel just like we'd all ought to get to feel as quick as we can.
+Lots of things in this world might be better only the people that could
+change 'em don't often feel inclined that way, an' the people who'd
+like to have a change ain't the ones as have got any say. If I was a
+Philippine I'd want a Chinaman to do my work an' I'd feel pretty mad
+that folks as had so many niggers an' Italians that they did n't need
+Chinamen should say I could n't have 'em neither. I'd feel as if I
+knowed what was best for me an' I would n't thank a lot of men in
+another part of the world for sittin' down on my ideas. However, there's
+one thing that comforted me very much in the book. All the countries
+around _is_ run, an' pretty well run too, by other countries an' if the
+Philippines get too awful tired of being badly run by us all those of
+'em as know anythin' can easy paddle across to some of them well run
+countries in the front half of the book to live, an' as for the rest--"
+
+Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was sound asleep!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+THE EVILS OF DELAYED DECEASE
+
+
+"I ain't been doin' my duty by Mrs. Macy lately," said Susan Clegg to
+Mrs. Lathrop; "I declare to goodness I've been so did up with the garden
+an' Elijah an' house cleanin' this last two weeks that I don't believe
+I've even thought of the other side of the crick since I begun. I ain't
+seen Mrs. Macy either an' maybe that's one reason why I ain't done
+nothin' about her, but it ain't surprisin' as I ain't seen her for she
+ain't been here--she's been over in Meadville stayin' with the Lupeys,
+an' I must say I'm right put out with Elijah for not puttin' it in the
+paper so I'd of knowed it afore. The idea of Mrs. Macy bein' in
+Meadville for over a week an' me not hearin' of it is a thing as makes
+me feel as maybe when Gabriel blows his horn I'll just merely sit up an'
+say, 'Did you call?' But anyway she's been away an' she's got back, an'
+when I heard it in the square to-day I did n't mince up no matters none
+but I just set my legs in her direction an' walked out there as fast as
+I could. It does beat all how many changes can come about in two
+weeks!--four more pickets has been knocked off the minister's fence an'
+most every one has hatched out their chickens since I was that way last,
+but I was n't out picketin' or chickenin'; I was out after Mrs. Macy an'
+I just kept a-goin' till I got to her."
+
+"Was she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, she was," replied Susan, "an' thank the most kind an' merciful
+Heavens, there was n't no one else there, so she an' I could just sit
+down together, an' it was n't nothin' but joy for her to tell me hide
+an' hair an' inside out of her whole visit. She got back day before
+yesterday an' she had n't even unpacked her trunk yet she was that wore
+out; you can judge from that how wore out she really is, for you know
+yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as when Mrs. Macy is too wore out to dive head
+over heels into things, whether her own or other folks', she's been
+pretty well beat down to the ground. She was mighty glad to see me,
+though, even if she did n't come to the door, but only hollered from a
+chair, an' I don't know as I ever had a nicer call on her, for she went
+over everythin' inside out an' hind side before, an' it was nothin' but
+a joy for me to listen, for it seems she had a pretty sad visit first
+an' last what with being specially invited to sit up an' watch nights
+with Mrs. Kitts an' then stay to the funeral--"
+
+"Funeral!" cried Mrs. Lathrop,--"I nev--"
+
+"For after bein' specially invited to help lay her out an' go to the
+funeral," Susan repeated calmly, "Mrs. Kitts did n't die a _tall_."
+
+"Oh!" said Mrs. Lathrop, terminating the whole of a remark, for once.
+
+"No," said Susan, "an' every one else feels the same as you do about it,
+too, but it seems as it was n't to be this time. Mrs. Macy says as she
+never went through nothin' to equal these ten days dead or alive, an'
+she hopes so help her heaven to never sit up with anybody as has got
+anythin' but heart disease or the third fit of apoplexy hereafter. Why,
+she says Mr. Dill's eleven months with Mrs. Dill flat on her back was a
+child playin' with a cat an' a string in comparison to what the Lupeys
+an' her have been goin' through with Mrs. Kitts these ten days. She says
+all Meadville is witness to the way she's skinned 'em down to the bone.
+Mrs. Dill was give up by a doctor like a Christian, an' after the eleven
+months she _did_ die, but Mrs. Kitts has been give up over an' over by
+doctor after doctor till there ain't one in the whole place as ain't mad
+at her about it; an' there she is livin' yet! Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey
+is so wore out she can't talk of nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey feels very
+bitter over it; she says it's all of six years now since they turned the
+X-rays through her (an' Mrs. Macy says as Mrs. Lupey says she could sit
+right down an' cry to think how much them X-rays cost an' how little
+good they done), an' she says it's three years come April Fool's since
+old Dr. Carter tried her lungs with his new kinetoscope an' found 'em
+full of air an' nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey says she's always had so much
+faith in old Dr. Carter an' she had faith in him then, an' was so sweet
+an' trustin' when he come with the machine, an' after he was done she
+fully believed his word of honor as to everythin', an' that was why they
+went an' bought her that bell an' oh heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I only
+wish you _could_ hear Mrs. Macy on Mrs. Kitts' bell! It seems that kind
+of bell is a new invention an' as soon as any one is give up for good
+the doctor as gives 'em up sends a postal to the man as keeps 'em, an'
+then the man sends it for three days on trial an' then the family buy
+it, because it lets 'em all sleep easy. Well, Mrs. Macy says it's the
+quietest lookin' small thing you ever see, but she says Great Scott,
+Holy Moses, an' ginger tea, the way it works! You only need to put your
+hand on it an' just stir it an' it unhooks inside like one of them new
+patent mouse traps as catch you ten times to every once they catch a
+mouse, an' then it begins to ring like a fire alarm an' bang like the
+Fourth of July, an' it don't never stop itself again until some one as
+is perfectly healthy comes tearin' barefoot from somewhere to turn it
+over an' hook it up an' get Mrs. Kitts whatever she wants."
+
+"I should--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I guess they would, too," said Susan; "I guess they'd be only too glad
+to. Why, Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as it was all they could do to
+live in the house with her mother when she did n't have nothin' but a
+stick to pound on the floor with, but she says since she's got that
+bell--! Well! Mrs. Macy says as they're all four worn into just
+frazzles with it, an' Judy is got so nervous with it going off sudden
+when Busby an' she is thinkin' about other things that she begins
+twitchin' the minute the bell begins ringin' an' they've had to hire a
+electric battery to soothe her with while Faith an' Maria is racin' for
+the bell. Mrs. Macy says it's somethin' just awful first, last, an'
+forever, an' Mrs. Lupey told her in confidence as it was Heaven's own
+truth as they had n't none of them woke of their own accords once since
+it was bought."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Macy says she's a pretty good judge of sick folks an' she
+judged Mrs. Kitts for all she was worth, an' she could n't feel as she
+ought in politeness to say anythin' 'cause the Lupeys sent her the
+round-trip ticket to go an' come back with. But she says just between
+her an' me an' not to let it go any further, that to _her_ order of
+thinkin' (an' she'll take her Bible oath to it anywhere) Mrs. Kitts
+looks like one of those oldest survivor kinds as they print in the city
+Sunday papers every week. She says she ain't got the quiet, give-up
+manner of a person as is really quiet an' really givin' up--she's got
+the spry air of a person as likes to keep the whole family jumpin' quick
+whenever they speak. She says Mrs. Lupey says as she really does get
+awful low just often enough to keep their courage up, but Mrs. Macy says
+Mrs. Lupey is easy fooled because them's the sort as outlives all their
+families in the end always. But seems as her gettin' low an' then
+raisin' up again ain't the only tough part for it seems as she was so
+low last fall that they really felt safe to send Maria up to the city to
+buy their mournin' at a bargain sale for there's four of 'em an' they
+want the veils thick so they'll look sorry from the outside anyhow. And
+Maria did go, an'-- Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I will say as to hear about it
+all does go through one even if it ain't my personal crape! Seems as the
+clerk asked Maria if it was for a deep family mournin' or just a light
+friendly mournin', an' Maria told him it was _goin'_ to be for her
+grandmother. Seems he was n't very polite about it, coughed a good deal
+behind his hand an' such doin's, until Maria got real vexed an' so mad
+over thinkin' as maybe it was n't all coughin' as he was keepin' his
+hand over that she lost her wits an' went to work an' bought most twice
+the crape she needed just to show him as she was n't tryin' to save
+nothin' on her grandmother, whatever _he_ might think. So now Mrs. Macy
+says, added to Mrs. Kitts an' the bell they've got the care of all that
+crape on their hands, an' the damp gathers in it just awful on rainy
+days, an' of course no Christian can sun twenty yards of crape on their
+clothesline when the dead person ain't died yet, so they're wild over
+that, too. They've made their skirts themselves, an' they wanted to do
+their waists, only what with the way sleeves is puffin' out an' slimmin'
+up an' fronts is first hangin' over an' then hookin' down, the back it
+just does seem out of the question. They've worried a lot over the veils
+since they was bought 'cause they wanted to get into 'em last winter so
+as to get out of 'em by last spring, an' then even when Mrs. Kitts
+rallied from her Christmas dinner, they thought maybe they could still
+be out of 'em by the Fourth of July; but now--Heavens! Mrs. Macy says
+they don't ask to get out of 'em any more; all they ask is to get _into_
+'em, an' goodness knows when that is _ever_ goin' to happen. She says
+Mrs. Lupey says what with Judy's divorce an' Mrs. Kitts livin' right
+along she's going to get moths into her things for the first time in her
+life, she just knows she is. It's a pretty hard case any one can see,
+an' of course seein' Mrs. Kitts live like that may get Busby Bell all
+out of the notion of marryin' Judy, for of course no man ain't goin' to
+like to look forward to Mrs. Lupey's livin' like that too, maybe--or
+maybe Judy 'll live herself--you never can tell. Mrs. Macy says Mrs.
+Lupey says she never guessed as sorrow could come so near to breakin'
+your back as losin' a grandmother is breakin' theirs. She says when
+she's really lost it won't be so bad 'cause they can all put on their
+crape veils an' go straight to bed an' to sleep, but she says this long
+drawn out losin' of her with that bell throwed into the bargain is
+somethin' calculated to make a saint out of a Chinaman, an' nothin' more
+nor less."
+
+"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I tell you, they _can't_," said Susan; "they want to bad enough, but
+they can't do it. Mrs. Kitts is too smart for that. She keeps her eagle
+eye on it awake, an' her whole hand on the little string when she's
+asleep, an' drums 'em up to know if the clock is really right, or if she
+feels anyways disposed to smell of cologne. Some nights she rolls on the
+string in her sleep, an' then the bell wakes her along with the rest of
+'em, which Mrs. Macy says is a-doin' more aggravatin' to the Lupeys
+than any words can do justice to. Mrs. Macy says as she really does
+believe that if Mrs. Kitts took a fancy to oysters in August she'd be
+fully equal to ringin' that bell for 'em till September came an' they
+could get 'em for her. She says it would be just like her, she does
+declare. Mrs. Macy says she sit with Mrs. Kitts considerable an' Mrs.
+Kitts was very pleasant to her, an' give her two pair of black lace
+mitts an' a pin, but she found out afterwards as the mitts was Mrs.
+Lupey's an' the pin was Maria's, so after that she see just how the
+family felt about her an' her ways. Mrs. Macy says the whole thing is a
+tragedy right out of Shakespeare an' the only pleasant thing about her
+whole visit was as it did n't cost her nothin'."
+
+"Did she--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about that. She see him four times. I
+don't know as she wants it generally known, but I wanted to know about
+it so I got it out of her. It does beat all, Mrs. Lathrop, how a woman
+of Mrs. Macy's sense, with a income that's only a little too small to
+get along on, can want to marry any man again. But she seems kind of
+crazy on the idea, an' if it ain't Mr. Dill, it's goin' to be Dr.
+Carter, or bu'st, with her. She says she went to his office just to let
+him know she was in Meadville, an' then she see him on the street, an'
+then she went to his office again to ask him his real opinion of Mrs.
+Kitts, an' then just before she left she went to his office again to let
+him know as she was goin' to come back here. So she see him four times
+in all."
+
+"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, he told her as he would n't be surprised if any of 'em died any
+day. That is, any of 'em except Mrs. Kitts. He did n't seem to think as
+Mrs. Kitts would ever die."
+
+"What do--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, I saw there was nothin' else as Mrs. Macy could talk about just now
+so I come home an' then I come over here. I declare though, Mrs.
+Lathrop, I can't help bein' a little blue to-night. Of course I ain't
+any real relation to you, but we've been neighbors so long that I can't
+help feelin' a little bit uneasy over thinkin' of Mrs. Kitts an'
+wonderin' how long you may be goin' to live in the end."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
+
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Susan Clegg one pleasant May evening, as she
+and her devoted listener leaned their elbows on the top rail of the
+fence, "I can't but thank Heaven as these boards is the only thing as
+you ever take opposite sides from me on. I don't say as your never
+disagreein' ain't sometimes wearin', but there _are_ days as I feel I'd
+enjoy a little discussion an' then Elijah an' I discuss on those days
+till it seems like I can't live to get to you an' do it all alone by
+myself. Elijah's a very young man but he's a man after all an' there's
+somethin' about a man as makes him not able to see any side of anythin'
+except his own side. Now it don't make any difference what we talk
+about I _always_ take the other side, an' I will in confidence remark as
+the South fightin' Grant had a easy job compared to me tryin' to get
+Elijah to see any side but his own. Elijah's a very pig-headed young man
+an' I declare I don't know I'm sure what ailed him last night--seemed as
+if he was up a tree about somethin' as made him just wild over the
+Democratic party. I must say--an' I said it to his face, too--as to my
+order of thinkin' takin' sides about the Democrats nowadays is like
+takin' sides with Pharaoh after the Red Sea had swallowed him an' all
+his chariots up forever, but Elijah never gives up to no man, an' he
+said, not so, the Democrats was still ready to be the salvation of the
+country if only Bryan would give 'em a chance. He says they 've been
+handicapped so far an' it's very tryin' for any party to have to choose
+between a donkey an' a tiger for its picture of itself, for no sensible
+person likes to have to ride on either, an' no politics could _ever_
+make a success of a donkey for a mascot, whether you judge him from his
+ears or his heels. I had it in my mind to say somethin' then about
+turnin' around an' takin' a fresh start with a fresh animal as a
+sensible person would find it nothin' but a joy to ride, but Elijah,
+like all newspapers, rips a thing up the back an' then shows you how you
+can't do better than to sew up the tear an' go on wearin' it again, so
+after he'd skinned the donkey an' the tiger both alive, so to speak, he
+went on to say as never's a long game an' him laughs best who keeps
+sober longest an' altogether his own feelin' was as America 'll soon
+perceive her only hope lays in electin' a new Democratic party. I just
+broke in then an' told him it looked to me as if the natural run of
+mankind would n't let Grover Cleveland skip eight years an' then try it
+again more 'n six times more, an' that if the Republicans keep it up as
+they have awhile longer no money won't be able to get 'em out 'cause
+they'll have all the money there is in the country right in with them,
+but by that time Elijah'd got his breath, an' he just shook his head an'
+asked me if I remembered what a lot of fuss the first billion dollar
+congress made an' if I'd observed how calm they was took now? I told him
+I had an' then we went at it hammer an' tongs, Elijah for the Democrats
+an' me against 'em, although I must say I wished he'd give me the other
+side, for in spite of their actin' so silly I must say I always have a
+feelin' as the most of the Democrats is tryin' to be honest which is
+somethin' as even their best friend couldn't say of the most of the
+Republicans as a general thing."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, I did, an' I don't know but we'd be talkin' yet only Mr. Dill come
+in on us to ask me if I would n't consider takin' Gran'ma Mullins to
+board for a month or two, just to see how Hiram an' Lucy would get along
+if they had the house all alone to themselves."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I told him I'd think about it," said Miss Clegg. "I don't know
+I'm sure why I should bed an' board Gran'ma Mullins to help Lucy an'
+Hiram to try to get along any better. They 're a good deal more
+interestin' to talk about the way they're gettin' along now. I never see
+Mrs. Macy but what she has somethin' amusin' to tell me about Hiram an'
+Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins, an' I like to hear it. She says the other
+night they was all three runnin' round the house one after another for a
+hour an' she said she most died laughin' to watch 'em. Seems Lucy got
+mad an' started to run after Hiram to pull his hair, an' Gran'ma Mullins
+was so scared for fear she _would_ pull his hair that she run after Lucy
+to ask her not to do it. Hiram run so much faster than Lucy that finally
+he caught up with Gran'ma Mullins an' then they all went to bed. Mrs.
+Macy says that's the way they act all the time, an' she certainly would
+n't see any more than I should why I should break up the family. I'm
+sure I never cooked up that marriage an' I told Mr. Dill so. I asked him
+why he did n't take Gran'ma Mullins to board with him, if he was so wild
+to get her away from Lucy, but he said he did n't think it'd be proper,
+an' I said I did n't say nothin' about _bed_--I just spoke about board,
+an' if there was anythin' as was n't proper about boardin' Gran'ma
+Mullins he'd ought not to of mentioned the subject to me."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, there was n't nothin' left for him to say then, of course; but law!
+I did n't see no use mooley-cowin' around Mr. Dill; what I wanted was
+for him to go so Elijah an' me could go on discussin'. Elijah thinks our
+paper ought to come out strong now that we've got one an' he said he
+would in confidence remark to me as he intended to say some very pointed
+things soon. He says all the editors in the country know as the plans
+an' the parties is all fixed up beforehand nowadays; the Republicans
+say how many they'll have in each state an' then they never fail to have
+'em an' that's a national disgrace for nobody ought to know beforehand
+how a election is goin' to pan out for it would n't be possible if folks
+was anyways honest. He says for a carefully planned an' worked up thing
+a Republican victory is about the tamest surprise as this country ever
+gets nowadays, an' yet we keep on gettin' them an' openin' our eyes over
+'em every four years like they was somethin' new.
+
+"I bu'st in then an' said as there was sure to come a change afore long
+with prices goin' up like they is an' a reaction bound to drop in the
+end. Elijah laughed then an' said he knowed well enough as when the
+deluge come the Republicans would grab the Democrats an' hold 'em just
+like that rich man who grabbed the clerk an' held him in front of him,
+when they throwed that bomb at him in his office."
+
+"At the--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, opening her eyes.
+
+"Yes, the bomb was meant for him, but he held the clerk in front of him
+so the clerk caught it all. That's what they call presence of mind, an'
+as far as my observation 's extended, Mrs. Lathrop, the Republicans have
+got full as much of it--they must have, for they both make money right
+straight along an' I've observed myself as they always step out when a
+crash comes an' let the Democrats in to do the economizin' till there's
+enough money saved up to make it worth while for them to take hold again
+which comes to much the same thing in the end. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop,
+I see after a little as it was n't no use talkin' to Elijah so I just
+had to listen to him an' he really did kind of frighten me in the end.
+Livin' with an editor an' readin' that book of Mr. Fisher's has opened
+my eyes to a many new ideas. I've lived in a small town all my life but
+I've got brains an' there's no use denyin' as a woman with brains can
+apply 'em to the president just as easy as to the minister, once she
+gets to thinkin' on the subject. This country is in a very bad way an'
+it's all owin' to our bein' satisfied with what's told us an' not
+lookin' into nothin' for ourselves. We've got the Philippines now an'
+we've got Hawaii an' we've got the niggers an' we've got ever so many
+other things. We've got the Mormons down to one wife as a general thing
+an' the Italians comin' in by the thousands an' more old soldiers bein'
+born every year an' the fifth generation of Revolutionary orphans out
+filin' their pensions--an' we owe 'em all to the Republicans. Elijah
+says we owe 'em a lot else, too, but I think that's enough in all
+conscience. Elijah says too it costs a third more to live than it did
+ten years ago an' he knows that for a fact, an' you an' I know that,
+too, Mrs. Lathrop. Coal's gone up an' everythin' else. I tell you I got
+kind of blue, thinkin' about it after I went to bed last night an' it
+took me a long time to remember as Elijah was maybe more upset over not
+bein' able to go an' see 'Liza Em'ly on account of the rain, than
+anythin' else; but then too, Mr. Shores is very much cast down over the
+country, only I must admit as it's more 'n likely as he ain't really
+half as mournful over the Democrats as he is over his wife; an' then
+there's Judge Fitch as is always mad over politics an' we all know that
+that's just 'cause he's always been called 'judge' ever since he was
+born, an' nobody ain't never made him judge of nothin' bigger 'n us yet.
+I guess if he was sure as our paper could get him elected to congress
+he'd cheer up pretty quick, but he told me yesterday as Elijah did n't
+know how to conduct a campaign to his order of thinkin'. He don't like
+that cut of Elijah's being David to the city papers bein' Goliath. He
+says a cut to do him any good had ought to have him in it somewhere an'
+I don't know but what he's right.
+
+"But, Mrs. Lathrop, we are mighty bad off an' that's a fact, but still I
+will say this much an' that is that as far as my observation 's
+extended folks as complains openly of anythin' is always findin' fault
+with the thing because there's some secret thing as they can't find
+fault openly with, like Elijah an' the rain, an' Mr. Shores an' his
+wife. The world's great for takin' its private miseries out publicly in
+some other direction, an' my own feelin' is as the Democrats is a great
+comfort to every one as the Republicans can't very conveniently give
+nothin' to these days. If the president was to suddenly make Sam Duruy a
+minister to somewhere there'd be a great change of opinion as to
+politics in this town, you'd see. It would n't give Sam any more brains,
+but every one 'd be pleased an' the Democrats would n't cut no figure no
+more."
+
+"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"That's just it," said Susan, "that's just the trouble. We're like most
+of the rest of America an' the whole of Cuba an' the Philippines, too
+little an' too far off to make the big folks really care whether we
+like the way they do or not. I don't have no idea of carin' whether
+potato bugs mind bein' picked or not, an' no matter what they said about
+me before or after their pickin' it 'd be all one to me. An' that's just
+about the way our government feels about us. An' I guess most other
+governments is much the same. Which is probably the reason why potato
+bugs is gettin' worse an' thicker all the time."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY
+
+
+As Susan set the basket down it began to squawk.
+
+"I don't care," she said, "let it squawk!"
+
+"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in whose kitchen Susan had set the
+basket down and in whose kitchen chair Susan was now sitting herself
+down.
+
+"Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I guess it's made trouble enough for
+others so that I may in all confidence feel to set a little while
+without troublin' about it myself. I look upon it that I was very kind
+to take it anyhow, not havin' no idea how it'll agree with the chickens
+when it comes to eatin' with them or with me when it comes to me eatin'
+it, for you know as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs. Lathrop, but
+still a friend is a friend, an' in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the least
+her friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins to stay with her an' for me
+to take the duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit up with a
+under-the-weather neighbor, but she said she could _not_ take a duck on
+her mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for I will in confidence
+remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as you only need to be in the room with that duck
+two minutes to see as the Prodigal Son was fully an' freely whipped in
+comparison to the way as he's been dealt with."
+
+"I really--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I don't know but it _will_ be savin' of breath in the end," said
+Miss Clegg, and thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking basket,
+bore it into the next room, and coming out, shut the connecting door
+firmly behind her.
+
+"Where under the--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"It's really quite a long story," returned her friend; "but I come in
+just to tell you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an' it begun when she
+went in town yesterday mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an' I
+will say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials right along one after
+another I never hear of an' to see her sittin' there now in her carpet
+slippers with a capsicum plaster to her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin'
+her tea every minute she ain't makin' her toast is enough to make any
+one as is as soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any duck whether it's
+spoiled or not. An' so I took this duck."
+
+"Well, I--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"You think not now," said Susan, "but you soon will when I tell you, for
+as I said before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm goin' to begin
+right off. It's a long story an' one as 'll take time to tell, but you
+know me an' you know as I always take time to tell you everythin' so you
+can rely on gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this; an' you'll get it
+fresh from the spout too, for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an' Mrs.
+Macy's so fresh from her trials that they was still holdin' the plaster
+on to her when I left."
+
+"But--" expostulated the listener.
+
+"Well, now this is how it was," said Miss Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'way
+back in the beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for it's very
+needful to have it straight so as to understand just why she is so nigh
+to half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as gets mad easy, an' so it's well
+for us as has got to live in the same town with her to well an' clearly
+learn just how much it takes to use her up.
+
+"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go to
+town to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was goin' to take lunch with
+Busby Bell's cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at the Lupeys' in
+Meadville, 'cause they only live three-quarters of an hour from town on
+two changes of the electric, an' Mrs. Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any time
+she or her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd be nothin' but happy
+to have 'em drop in on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' her
+husband's sister, too, so company was n't no work for her herself. Well,
+Mrs. Macy was goin' to the city an' so she looked up the address an'
+made up her mind to go there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address on
+one side of the piece of paper as she had in her black bag an' she wrote
+her shoes on the other side, for she says they're a new kind of shoes as
+is warranted not to pinch you in the back, by every magazine an'
+newspaper--an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on bein' pinched; why, she
+says she give up belts an' took to carpet slippers just for the very
+reason as she could _not_ stand bein' pinched nowhere.
+
+"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how any
+one could remember 'em off of paper _she_ can't see anyhow, an' Luther
+Stott's wife lives 2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an' that was very
+important too, for there's seven other Eleventh Avenues in the city
+besides eight Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part of the city is
+laid out that way so as to make it simple to them as knows where they
+live anyhow.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her bonnet as happy as any one looks to
+be afore they know they're goin' to be the first to have a new invention
+tried on 'em an' then she locked up her house an' set off. She says she
+never was great on new inventions for she's lived under a lightnin' rod
+for pretty near forty years an' never come anywhere nigh to be struck
+once yet, but she says she has now learned to her sorrow as bein' fooled
+by a lightnin' rod man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein' fooled by
+a minister for forty years ahead, for she says she'll lose her guess if
+this last foolin' don't last forty years or even longer if she lives
+that long, an' make her wear her felt slippers all the forty years too.
+
+"Well, she says of course you might know as it would be the minister as
+done her up first on this day of misery, an' it _was_ the minister! She
+says after that donation party to fix him out with new shirts last week
+she surely looked to be spared any further inflictions from him for one
+while; she says the idea as the congregation is expected to shirt the
+minister was surely most new to her, an' she was dead set against it at
+first, but she says she come to the fore an' was one to help make him
+the six when she see as it was expected to be her duty as a Christian,
+but she says she surely hoped when she hemmed the tail of the last one
+as she'd seen the last of him for a good breathin' spell.
+
+"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't to be, an' so she learned to her
+keen an' pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she was n't more 'n
+fairly on her way to town when she run square up to him on the bridge
+an' as a result was just in time to be the first for him to try his new
+memory system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins an' me with tears in her
+eyes an' her felt slippers solemnly crossed on top of each other, as
+she can not see why it had to be her of all people an' her shoes of all
+things, for she says--an' I certainly felt to agree, Mrs. Lathrop--as if
+there's anythin' on the wide earth as you _don't_ want to apply a memory
+system to it's your shoes, for shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new memory system of the minister's
+is a thing as he got out of a Sunday School magazine in reward for
+workin' out a puzzle. Seems you guess big cities till their capital
+letters spell 'Memory,' an' then you send the answers to the magazine
+an' a dollar for postage an' packin' an' then they send you the memory
+system complete in one book for nothin' a _tall_. Or you can add in a
+two-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but the minister guessed 'cause he
+felt as in his circumstances he had n't ought to waste even two cents!
+Seems as they had a most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti for the
+'Y,' an' for a while they was most afraid they'd have to be reckless
+with two cents, but they got it in the end an' sent 'em all off, an' the
+book come back with a injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no one
+stamped on every page. Seems it come back day before yesterday an' the
+minister sat up most of the night commemoratin' the theory, an' then
+Mrs. Macy says he just got it into him in time for Fate to let him go
+an' be flung at her right on the bridge! She says she was n't no more
+mistrustin' trouble than any one does when they meet a loose minister
+out walkin' an' she says she can't well see how any woman meetin' a man
+across a bridge can be blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped a new
+principle an' is dyin' to apply it to the first thing handy.
+
+"She says he asked her where she was goin' an' she told him frank an'
+open as she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes as was warranted not
+to pinch. She says he asked her what kind of shoes they was an' she
+opened her little bag an' got out the paper an' read him as they was
+Kulosis shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote down an' she told him
+as she had it wrote down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe get
+pinched again.
+
+"Well, she says she was standin' sideways an' was n't watchin'
+particular, so she was n't in no state to suspect nothin' when he told
+her as she could easy throw that piece of paper away an' go to town
+without it. She says she told him as she knowed that she could easy
+throw the piece of paper away an' go to town without it, but how was she
+to remember her shoes which was the reason why she was takin' the piece
+of paper along with her? Then she says as he said as he'd show her how
+to remember her shoes an' welcome an' she says as she thought as long as
+it was welcome she might as well stand still, so she did.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but
+the first thing he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded her of,
+which struck her as most strange in the start out. But she told him as
+it did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an' let it go at that, an'
+she says it was plain as then he had to think of somethin' as it _could_
+remind somebody of, an' she says he certainly did have to think a long
+while an' when he said finally as it reminded _him_ of four noses.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she never heard the beat of that in
+all her born days, an' her mind went back to her childhood days an' a
+uncle she had, an' the Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'd
+surely been drinkin'; she says she was so took aback that he see it in
+her face an' told her right then an' there as it was a memory system.
+Seems as the key to the whole is as you must reduce everythin' to Mother
+Goose so as not to need the brains as you've growed since, an' the
+minister told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple to apply. He went
+on to ask her what did four noses remind her of, an' she says she
+thought she see the whole game at that an' told him as quick as scat
+that they reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my, seems that ain't the way
+it goes a _tall_, an' he begin an' explained it all over again, an'
+where he come out in the end was as four noses would just naturally
+remind any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy of 'Two legs sat upon
+three legs.' You know the rhyme in Mother Goose where the dog is four
+legs an' gets the mutton as is one leg in the man's lap?
+
+[Illustration: "'Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at _that_.'"
+_Page_ 179.]
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe understand as Mrs. Macy was just
+about plum paralyzed at _that_! Her story is as she just stood afore him
+with her mouth open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin' what under the
+sun she was goin' to be asked to remember next, an' when he said that
+was all, an' for her just to simply tear up the paper, she forgot all
+about Luther Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the paper. He said for
+her to go right along to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two legs sat
+upon three legs' to get her her shoes, an' she says what with bein' so
+dumbfoundered, an' what with him bein' the minister into the bargain,
+she went along to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be able to do it.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could hear Mrs. Macy for that ain't
+nothin' but the beginnin', whatever you may think, an' the rest gets
+awfuller an' awfuller!
+
+"In the first place talkin' so long for the minister made her have to
+run for the train, an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on a run. She said
+she got so hot, as she was not only on a run but mostly on a pour all
+the way to town. Why, she says it was most terrible an' she says nothin'
+ever give her such a idea as she was a born fool afore, for with it all
+she had to keep on sayin' 'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as a
+clock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget it that she did n't dare even
+take her usual little nap on the way an' so had no choice but to land
+all wore out.
+
+"Well, as soon as she was landed she remembered about Luther Stott's
+wife bein' on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently tore up
+along with her shoes, an' she says the start she got over rememberin'
+havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove what 'Two legs sat upon three
+legs' was to remind her of clean out of her head, not to speak of havin'
+long since lost track of the way to get any connection between that an'
+her shoes.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd of been there to hear! She says
+nobody ever did afore! She says she went up one street an' down another
+like a lost soul, lookin' for a policeman. She says she felt she did n't
+know where to find nothin'. She could n't look for Luther in the
+directory 'cause he's long dead an' only his wife lives there, an' as
+for her shoes she was clean beside herself. She says she was so mad at
+the minister as she'd have throwed away her baptism an' her marriage
+then an' there just because it was ministers as done 'em both to her,
+if there'd been anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just put her pride
+into her pocket, went into a shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Two
+legs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of anythin' in the way of shoes.
+She says the man looked at her in a way as passed all belief an' said it
+reminded him more of pants than shoes.
+
+"Well, she says she went out into the street at that an' her heart was
+too low for any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she was wanderin'
+along who should she meet but Drusilla Cobb?
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla Cobb! You know what she was afore
+she left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't altered her a _tall_.
+Whenever Drusilla was glad to see any one she always had a reason, an'
+Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how clean used up she was over her
+shoes that she never remembered that way of Drusilla's. Drusilla never
+saw no one on the street unless she had a reason, an' if she had a
+reason it was Heaven help them as Drusilla saw on the street.
+
+"So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked her right home to lunch with her,
+an' Mrs. Macy very gladly went. She says no words can tell how lively
+an' pleasant Drusilla was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all the
+way home. She says Drusilla has a very nice home an' a thin husband an'
+three very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the only fat one in the
+family."
+
+Susan paused and drew a long breath.
+
+Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new position.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the duck comes in. The duck was
+Drusilla's reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs. Macy says if any one
+had told her as she was to go to town for shoes an' bring back a duck,
+or be did in one day first by the minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb,
+she'd take her Bible oath as whoever said it was lyin', but so it was."
+
+"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes," said Miss Clegg, "it's the same one. An' this is its why as told
+by Mrs. Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me." She paused and drew a still
+longer breath. "Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband had got a
+friend as goes huntin' with a doctor. Seems he found four little
+red-headed things in a nest of reeds an' took one an' asked the doctor
+what it was. Seems the doctor said as he thought as it was a
+golden-headed oriole but the friend thought as it was a mud hen. So he
+give it to Drusilla's youngest boy to raise in a flat for his birthday.
+Well, Mrs. Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely most new to the
+animal as very soon turned out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all the
+black spots in the carpets for bugs an' when they put it in the bath-tub
+to swim it would n't swim but just kept diving for the hole in the
+bottom. Seems they had a most lively time with it an' it run after 'em
+everywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons an' squawked nights, an'
+when Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right off as she could give her
+the duck to take home with her 'cause she lived in the country. So that
+was how Mrs. Macy come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's so
+dreadful pleasant.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as she no more mistrusted what
+travelin' with a duck is than anythin', so although she could n't say as
+she really relishes any duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it could
+swim in the crick, an' maybe grow to be a comfort, so she let them put
+it in a basket, an' give her a envelope of dead flies for it to lunch
+on, an' she set off for home. She had to wait a long time for a car an'
+the duck was so restless it eat eight flies an' bit her twice waitin',
+but finally the car come along an' she an' the duck got on. Well, Mrs.
+Lathrop, she says you never hear nothin' like that duck when it felt
+itself on a electric car! The conductor heard it an' come runnin' an'
+stopped the car an' put 'em both off afore she realized as she was
+gettin' off for her duck instead of her depot.
+
+"So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high an' dry in a strange part of the
+city alone with a duck out of the goodness of her heart. You can maybe
+believe as she was very far from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb when
+she realized as she couldn't take no car with no duck an' didn't know
+Drusilla's number to take her back her duck, neither. Mrs. Macy says as
+she felt herself slowly growin' mad an' she went into a store near by
+an' asked 'em if they had a telephone. They said they had, an' she says
+she never will know what possessed her but she just looked that
+telephone square in the eye an' told it to get her the president of the
+car company without a second's delay. She says it was astonishin' how
+quick it got her somebody an' as soon as they'd each said 'Hello' polite
+enough, she just up an' asked him to please tell her the difference
+between a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says he did n't say nothin'
+for a minute an' then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble manner, an'
+she asked him it right over again. Then she said he was more nervous an'
+made very queer noises an' finally asked her what in Noah's ark she
+wanted to know for. She says she could n't but think that very ill-bred,
+considerin' her age, but she was in a situation where she had to
+overlook anythin', so she told him as she knowed an' he knowed, too, as
+any one could take a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an' never know what
+it was to be put off for nothin'. She said he shook the wire a little
+more an' then asked her if she was meanin' to lead him to infer that she
+had been injected from a car with a duck. She says his tone was so
+disrespectful that she felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told him
+so far from bein' injected she'd been put out an' off a car an' she had
+the duck right with her to prove it. He told her as he would advise her
+to try to do the duck up in a derby hat an' smuggle him through that
+way, an' then without a word more he hung up.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about never was so mad afore. She says
+when she turned around all the men in the store was laughin' an' that
+made her madder yet, but there was one on 'em as said he felt for her
+'cause he owned a pair of ducks himself, an' he went in the back of the
+store an' found a old hat-box as was pretty large an' he went to work
+an' took the duck out of the basket an' put him into the box an' give
+Mrs. Macy 'em both to carry an' put her on another car an' she set off
+again.
+
+"Well, that time she got to the depot all safe, an' if there was n't old
+Dr. Carter from Meadville an' it goes without sayin' as old Dr. Carter
+from Meadville could drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's head, so
+she an' he set out to be real happy to the Junction, an' the first thing
+he asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new bonnet in town an' she
+laughed an' give the box a little heave an' the bottom come out an' the
+duck flew down the car.
+
+[Illustration: "'The bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car.'"
+_Page_ 188.]
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe guess as that was most tryin' both to
+Mrs. Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an' was both wedged in
+one seat expectin' to enjoy all they could of each other to the
+Junction. Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge himself an' catchin' the
+duck was a most awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off just about
+as soon as it was done. Well, Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duck
+seems to make every one feel as free as air, an' a man come right off
+an' sat with her right off an' asked her right off whether it was a duck
+or a drake. Why, she says she never did--not in all her life--an' he
+told her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider an' givin' it to the
+duck an' if he took it it was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck.
+He asked her if it was n't so an' she said she could n't deny it, an'
+then he went back to his own seat an' she rode the rest of the way
+tryin' to figure on where the hitch was in what he said, for she says as
+she certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet you can't deny that it's
+all straight about the spider an' the he and the she.
+
+"Well, so she got home an' went right up to her house, put the duck in
+the rat trap, an' went over to ask the minister about her shoes, an'
+what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think! The minister had
+clean forgot himself! He was sittin' there on his piazza advisin' Mrs.
+Brown to make her pound-cake by sayin' 'One, two, three, Mother caught a
+flea,' the flea bein' the butter, an' Mrs. Macy says it was plain to be
+seen as he was n't a bit pleased at her comin' in that way to have his
+memory system applied to her backward.
+
+"She says after that she went home to the duck madder 'n ever an' put on
+her felt slippers an' made up her mind as she'd make up for her lost day
+by rippin' up her old carpets, an' that was the crownin' pyramid in her
+Egyptian darkness, for it's the carpet as has ended her."
+
+"Oh--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, she's alive," said Susan, "but she ain't much more 'n alive, an'
+it's a wonder that she's that, an' it would be very bad for her if she
+was n't, for young Dr. Brown says she can die fifty times before he'll
+ever go near her again. He's awful mad an' he's got a bad bump on his
+nose too where he fell over her, an' Mrs. Sweet's got to stay in bed
+three days too for her arm where she dislocated it jerkin'--although
+goodness knows what she tried jerkin' for--for I'd as soon think of
+tryin' to jerk a elephant from under a whale as to try to jerk Mrs. Macy
+from under a carpet. An' even with it all they could n't get her up an'
+had to get the blacksmith's crowbar an' pry, an' Mrs. Sweet says if any
+one doubts as pryin' is painful they'd ought to of been there to hear
+Mrs. Macy an' see Hiram an' the blacksmith."
+
+"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I'm goin' to tell you if you'll just keep still a little longer an' let
+me get through to the end," said her friend. "I got this part all back
+an' forth an' upside down from Mrs. Sweet while I was takin' her home by
+the other arm. Oh, my, but it's awful about her, for she was preservin'
+an' wanted a extra cullender an' lost her right arm in consequence. I
+hope her experience 'll be a lesson to you, Mrs. Lathrop, for it's been
+such a lesson to me that I may mention right here an' now 't if I ever
+hear you hollerin' I shall put for the opposite direction as quick as I
+can for I would n't never take no chances at gettin' dislocated like
+Mrs. Sweet is--not if I knew it. Young Dr. Brown says she's decapitated
+the angular connection between her collar bone an' somewhere else, an'
+she says she can well believe it judgin' from the way her ear keeps
+shootin' into her wrist an' back again."
+
+"But--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know how Mrs. Macy always was forever given to
+economizin'. I don't say as economizin' is any sin, but I will say as
+Mrs. Macy's ways of economizin' is sometimes most singular an' to-day's
+a example of that. Economy's all right as long as you economize out of
+yourself, but when it takes in Mrs. Sweet an' bumps young Dr. Brown I've
+no patience--no more 'n Mrs. Sweet an' young Dr. Brown has. Young Dr.
+Brown says it looks awful to have a black eye an' no reason for it
+except fallin' over a carpet. He says when he explains as Mrs. Macy was
+under the carpet no one is goin' to think it any thin' but funny, an' he
+says a doctor must n't be hurt funny ways. Mrs. Sweet don't feel to
+blame herself none for her arm 'cause she jerked like she does
+everythin' else, with her whole heart, an' she says she did so want to
+set her up that she tried harder an' harder every jerk.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to go 'way back to the beginnin', seems as Mrs.
+Macy set out last night, as I said before, to make over her carpet.
+Seems as she wanted to turn it all around so's it'd fade away under the
+stove an' fray out in the corner where it don't show. I don't say as the
+idea was n't a good one--although it's come pretty hard on Mrs.
+Sweet--but anyhow, good or no good, she dug up the tacks last night an'
+ripped the widths an' set down to sew this mornin'. Her story is as she
+turned the duck out to pasture right after breakfast an' then went to
+work an' sewed away as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock. Then she
+felt most awful tired from the rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so she
+thought she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was all done up in the
+carpet an' gettin' out was hard so she thought she'd just lay back on
+the floor. Seems she lay back suddener than she really intended an' as
+she hit the floor, she was _took_.
+
+"She give a yell an' she says she kept on givin' yells for one solid
+hour, an' no one come. She says as no words can ever tell how awful it
+was, for every yell sent a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin' an'
+knifin' all ways through her. No one heard her, for the blacksmith was
+shoein' a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy was
+discussin' Hiram on the other. You know what a mule is to shoe, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' you know what Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take to
+discussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath as when Gran'ma Mullins an'
+Lucy gets to discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no steam penelope out
+of a circus, not if it was settin' full tilt right on their very own
+door-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet came
+for the cullender.
+
+"Mrs. Sweet says, _the_ shock she got when she opened the door an' see
+Mrs. Macy with the carpet on her was enough to upset anybody.
+
+"She says she thought at first as Mrs. Macy was tryin' to take up her
+carpet by crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks come out that way. But
+then she see as her face was up an' of course no Christian'd ever crawl
+under no carpet with her face up. So she asked her what was the matter,
+an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she did n't know what was the
+matter. Then Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her up. An' she
+says the way she yelled!
+
+"She says she jerked her by the arms, an' by the legs, an' even by the
+head, an' her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler. Mrs. Macy says as her
+agonies was terrible every time she slid a little along, an' she just
+begged an' prayed for her to go an' get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs.
+Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy went
+for young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs.
+Macy. Oh, my, but their story is as they jerked hard then, for they
+wanted her to be respectable in bed afore he came, but it was no use an'
+he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an' the carpet afore his eyes got
+used to where he was. They had to help him up an' then he had to go in
+the kitchen an' disinfect his bump afore he could take a look at Mrs.
+Macy. But seems he got around to her at last an' felt her pulse an' then
+as he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded her softly all over with
+the tack-hammer, but he did n't find out nothin' that way for she yelled
+wherever he hit her. He said then as he'd like to turn X-rays through
+her, only as there is n't no cellar under her house just there there'd
+be no way to get a picture of the other side of what was the matter with
+her.
+
+"So he said she _must_ be got up, an' although she howled as she could
+n't be, he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's crowbar an' the
+blacksmith, an' it was plain as she'd have to come whether nor no. Mrs.
+Sweet says it was surely a sight to see. They put the crowbar across a
+footstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other side at the same time, an' with
+a yell like Judgment Day they sat her up.
+
+"An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop? What _do_ you think? There was a
+tack stickin' square in the middle of her back!
+
+"Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesses
+he's got suthin' out of somebody now as he won't care to preserve in
+alcohol for a ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is mad, too, for he was
+goin' over to Meadville to fan a baseball team this afternoon an' he
+says Mrs. Macy has used up all his fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'cause
+she says she was way ahead of Gran'ma Mullins in what they were talkin'
+about an' now she's forgotten what that was. But Gran'ma Mullins was
+maddest of all when she found out about the duck, 'cause it seems as
+Drusilla Cobb's husband was a relation of hers an' as a consequence she
+never could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd take the duck."
+
+"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I shall fat him an' eat him."
+
+"An' what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, further.
+
+"Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs. Macy hunted up the magazine an'
+looked 'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after all. As soon as she
+see it she remembered the four noses an' all, but she says she was too
+done up to go any further at the minister just then."
+
+"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally.
+
+"I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow, an' I ain't goin' to catch no
+spider for the sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well as she will,
+I reckon, an' if I have any doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be by
+parboilin' instead of spiders."
+
+So saying Susan rose, sought her duck, and departed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES
+
+
+Mrs. Lathrop never went to church. She had relinquished church when she
+had given up all other social joys that called for motive power beyond
+the limits of her own fence.
+
+Elijah rarely ever went to church. The getting the paper out Friday for
+Saturday delivery wore on him so that he nearly always slept until noon
+on Sunday.
+
+So Susan went alone week after week, just as she had been going alone
+for years and years and years. She always wore a black dress to church,
+her mother's cashmere shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape which had no
+strings and fitted closely around her head. She always took about an
+hour and a half to get home from church, although it was barely ten
+minutes' walk, and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's gate instead of her
+own when she did get home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the minute when
+to expect her and was invariably seated ready and waiting.
+
+One late May day when Susan returned from church she followed her usual
+course of Sunday observances by going straight to her neighbor's and
+sitting down hard on one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but she
+differed from her usual course by her expression, which--usually bland
+and fairly contented with the world in general--was this morning most
+bitterly set and firmly assured in displeasure.
+
+"Well," said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat alarmed but attempting to speak
+pleasantly, "was--"
+
+"No," said Susan, "I should say not." Then she unpinned her hat and ran
+the pin through the crown with a vicious directness that bore out her
+words to the full.
+
+"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled, "why--"
+
+"Well, I can't help it if you are," said Miss Clegg, "you don't have to
+go Sunday after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you did, an' if you had
+what you ain't got an' that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd be
+rammin' around with a hat-pin yourself an' understand my feelin's when I
+say as there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't been over fully as
+often as the minister nor a place where he can open it that I can't tell
+just what he'll say about it afore he's done settlin' his tie an'
+clearin' his throat. I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an'
+throat-clearin' business I don't know what to do an' then to-day it was
+the Sermon on the Mount an' he said as he had a new thought to develop
+out of the mount for us an' the new thought was as life was a mount with
+us all climbin' up it an' sure to come out on top with the Sermon if our
+legs held out. It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's got hold of as
+puts me so out of all patience I don't know what to do; if they was
+really new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but they're as old as the hills
+an' I feel like I was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on whenever I
+hear him beginnin' with a fresh old one. The other day I met him down in
+the square an' he stopped me short an' told me to my face as the world
+was gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star as he see the night
+afore had given him one as he was intendin' to work up for Christmas.
+Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think that particular new thought was?
+What _do_ you think? It was as God was back o' the stars! My lands, I
+felt like givin' him a punch with my parasol an' I'd of done it too only
+I'd left my parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with me but a basket o'
+currants. I told him though as the idea o' God an' the stars bein'
+anyways new was surely _most_ new to me, an' then I went on to say as
+Rachel Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick berries for me Monday an'
+seein' as Tuesday was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I could only hope
+as some other new thought had n't run off with her, too.
+
+"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't get much fun out o' church anyway,
+for I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time I'm there thinkin' what I
+could be doin' at home if I _was_ at home, an' wonderin' whether Elijah
+is in bed or whether he's up an' about. I don't know a more awful
+feelin' than the feelin' that you're chained helpless in a church while
+the man in your house is up an' about your house. Men were n't meant to
+be about houses an' I always liked father because he never was about,
+but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition an' he inquires more Sundays
+than any other time. The idea as he's wanderin' around just carelessly
+lookin' into everythin' as ain't locked upsets me for listenin' to the
+minister anyway, but lately my patience has been up on its hind legs in
+church clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever, for it seems as if the minister
+gets tamer an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on, an' between
+not likin' to hear him an' bein' half mad to get back to Elijah I'm
+beginnin' to wish as God in His infinite mercy had let me be somethin'
+besides a Christian. I don't know what I'd be if I was n't a Christian,
+but my own view o' this idea o' free-trade in religion as is takin' so
+many folks nowadays is as it all comes from most anybody with common
+sense jus' naturally knowin' more than any minister as always has his
+house an' his potatoes for nothin' ever can possibly get a chance to
+learn; an' when folks realize as they know more than the minister they
+ain't apt to like to waste the time as they might be learnin' more yet,
+sittin' an' listenin' to him tag along behind what they know already. A
+minister is kind o' like a horse in blinders or a cow as wears a yoke to
+keep her from jumpin', anyway--he feels as he can't launch out even if
+he wants to an' so he never does, but my idea would be to give 'em a
+little rope an' let 'em be a little more interestin'. Here's two hours
+a week as we sit still an' might be learnin' things much more useful
+than as Job was patient an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an' Joseph
+anyhow. I've heard about 'em both ever since I was old enough to know
+about either, an' long afore I was old enough to know about Joseph. I
+was talkin' about this at the sewin' society yesterday an' they all
+agreed with me. Mrs. Macy said as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin'
+to go to sleep in church for the last five years, an' she was beginnin'
+to have it so strong as she did n't care who knowed it.
+
+"Was the minister's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with vivid curiosity.
+
+"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a moth ball was a lemon drop an'
+dealt with it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by the bein' up all
+night to even so much as overcast a plain seam; but the rest was there
+an' we all aired ourselves inside out, I can assure you, an' was more 'n
+glad as she was n't there, so we could do it, too.
+
+"The general talk was as the minister 'd do well to quit talkin' about
+Heaven for a while an' come down to earth. We all know about Heaven,
+'cause if you don't all you have to do is to tip back your head an'
+there it is day an' night for you to look at as long as your neck don't
+ache, but what we don't know about is a lot of what's right around us.
+Mrs. Macy says as her view would be to take the Bible for the motto an'
+then apply it right to us here to-day, an' tell us how to understand
+what's goin' on in the world by its light. She says David an' Goliath
+could of been Japan an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling shot, an'
+we all felt to agree as _there_ was a idea as _no_ minister ought to
+mind ownin', for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she never would of
+give Mrs. Macy credit for thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that. Every
+one was interested right off an' you ought to of been there to see how
+the idea took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd _always_ wanted to know
+what a soft-nosed bullet looked like an' how their other features felt,
+an' a sermon like that could n't but give us all a new understandin' of
+a war. Then they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an' Mrs. Sweet said
+as Jezabel bein' throwed to the dogs could apply to that new rule in the
+city as makes you have to go around with your dog's nose in a lattice
+an' yourself tied to the dog; she said when she went up there the other
+day she felt like nothin' but a fool out with her brother an' him bein'
+jerked here an' there a'cordin' as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' the
+dog's lattice half the time over one of his two ears so he looked more
+drunk than sober all day. Of course we ain't got no such rules about
+dogs' noses here, but no one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it showed
+she took an interest; Mrs. Brown said when she was done as she should
+think as the sun standin' still on Absalom three days could be worked up
+into havin' our streets lit all night, for she says when young Dr. Brown
+is out late, Amelia's so awful nervous she has to sit by her an' hold
+her hand, an' young Dr. Brown always says it takes him a good hour
+longer than it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o' bein' so afraid o'
+runnin' into trees in the dark."
+
+"They say--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
+
+"Yes, but you could n't make his mother believe it," said Susan; "she
+thinks he eats peppermint comin' home nights just because he likes to
+eat peppermint comin' home nights. Mothers is all like that. You know
+yourself how you was with Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk, about
+how all sons was n't prodigals, some bein' obliged by fate to be the
+calf instead. I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I think of this new
+idea the more took I am with it. The Bible would be most like a new book
+if we took it that way an' Sunday would be a day to look forward to all
+the week long, just to see what the minister was goin' to say about what
+next. The sewin' society was all in favor of the idea an' now if the
+square only takes it up with a real mother's heart I don't see why we
+should n't get some profit out o' keepin' a minister yet. My notion is
+as the minister might just as well learn to be a lesson to us as to be
+so dead satisfied with only bein' a trial to us. We've got trials
+enough, Lord knows, an' just now what with the weather an' the cleanin'
+house no one wants to go to church to hear about things as they all know
+anyhow."
+
+"I wonder--" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
+
+"No, I would n't look for that," said Susan; "every one has their limits
+an' I would n't expect no man to jump over his own outside. I should n't
+ever look for the minister to be really equal to workin' up somethin'
+real spicy as would fill the house out o' Uriah the Hittite or Abigail
+hangin' upside down to the tree, but I can't well see why he could n't
+teach us whether well water's healthy or not by quotin' from Rebecca,
+an' when the time comes he could surely get a real nice Thanksgivin'
+text out o' John the Baptist's head on the platter."
+
+"Well--" said Mrs. Lathrop, slowly.
+
+"I'm goin' home to Elijah now," said Susan, "an' I shall talk the matter
+up with him. Elijah's awful funny, Mrs. Lathrop. However much he roams
+around while I'm in church he always hops back in bed an' manages to be
+sound asleep when it's time for me to come home. An' I will say this for
+him, an' that is as with all his pryin' an' meddlin' he's clever enough
+to get things back so I can never see no traces of what he's been at. If
+I was n't no sharper than most others, I'd think as he never had stirred
+out of bed while I was gone--but I am sharper than others an' it'll take
+a sharper young man than Elijah to make me suppose as all is gold that
+glitters or that a man left all alone in a house don't take that time to
+find out what he's alone in the midst of."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+ADVISABILITY OF NEWSPAPER EXPOSURES
+
+
+"Well, I don't know I'm sure what I _am_ goin' to do with Elijah," said
+Susan Clegg to her friend one evening. "He's just as restless in his
+ideas as he is in bed, an' he's not content in bed without untuckin'
+everythin' at the foot. I hate a bed as is kicked out at the foot an' I
+hate a man as makes a woman have to put the whole bed together again new
+every mornin'. I'm sure I don't see no good to come of kickin' nights
+an' I've talked to Elijah about layin' still till I should think he
+could n't but see how right I am an' how wrong he is, but still he goes
+right on kickin', an' now he's got it into his head as he's got to turn
+the town topsy-turvy by findin' out suthin' wrong as we'd rather not
+know, an' makin' us very uncomfortable by knowin' it, an' knowin' as now
+we know it we've got to do suthin' about it, an' that seems to make him
+kick more than ever."
+
+"Dear--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"He set on the porch for an hour with me last night," Susan went on,
+"tryin' to think o' suthin' as he could expose in the paper. He says a
+paper ain't nothin' nowadays without it's exposin' suthin, an' a town
+ain't fit to have a paper if it ain't got nothin' to expose in it. He
+says no closet without some skeleton, an' he should think we'd have
+ours, an' in the end he talked so much that I could n't but feel for a
+little as maybe he was right an' as we _was_ behind the times, for when
+you come to think it over, Mrs. Lathrop, nothin' ever does happen here
+as had n't ought to happen--not since Mr. Shores' wife run off with his
+clerk, an' that wa'n't no great happenin', for they could n't stand
+sittin' on the piazza much longer--every one could see that--an' Mrs.
+Shores wasn't one to have any man but her own husband comin' in an' out
+o' the house at all hours, an' so if she'd got to the point where she
+wanted a man as wasn't her own husband comin' in an' out, she just had
+to up an' run away with him, an' I never have been one to say no ill of
+her, for I look on Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye, an' lookin' on
+Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye leads me to fully an' freely approve
+of every thin' as his wife ever done."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, I know it, an' that's why I speak as I do. But Elijah seems to
+think as suthin' else ought to of happened since then, an' he asked me
+if I didn't know of nothin' as was bein' tried to be covered up as he
+could uncover, an' I really did try to think of suthin' but nobody ever
+covers up nothin' here. Nobody could if they wanted to. Everybody knows
+everythin' about everybody. We all know about Lucy an' Hiram, 'cause
+Gran'ma Mullins is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's side, an' Lucy
+is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's other side. Gran'ma Mullins says
+when she sees a man like Hiram havin' to devote his strength an' his
+Sundays to catchin' water-bugs, she most feels she's been a mother in
+vain, an' Lucy says when she realizes as she's married a man as can't be
+put to no better use Sundays than catchin' water-bugs, she ain't got no
+doubt at all as to what she's married. Lucy's gettin' very bitter about
+marriage; she says when she thinks as she may be picked out for a golden
+weddin' she feels like tyin' balloons to her feet an' goin' out an'
+standin' on her head in the crick. Elijah asked me if maybe she was n't
+in love with some one else as he could just notice in general kind o'
+terms, but I told him he did n't know what Lucy Dill was on men now as
+Hiram has got her eyes open. Why, Lucy don't believe no more in love a
+_tall_. Lucy says if she was rid of men an' left on a desert island
+alone, with one cow, so she could have eggs an' milk toast regular,
+she'd never watch for no ship, an' if a ship heaved up anywhere near,
+she'd heave down so quick that if any one on the ship had seen her
+they'd think they imagined her afore they'd get ready to go to her
+rescue. Elijah shook his head then, an' trailed off to Polly Allen; he
+said there must be thirty-five years between Polly an' the deacon, an'
+could n't suthin' be hinted at about them. That set me to wonderin', an'
+it's really very strange when you come to think of it, Mrs. Lathrop, how
+contented Polly is. I don't believe they've ever had a word. He does the
+cookin' an' washin' the same as he always did, an' lets her do anythin'
+else she pleases, an' they say she's always very obligin' about doin'
+it.
+
+"So then Elijah crossed his legs the other way, an' asked if there was
+n't anythin' bigger as could be looked into, but every one knows Hiram
+is the biggest man anywhere around here, so that was no use. He asked
+then if we did n't have a poorhouse or a insane asylum or a
+slaughter-house or suthin' as he could show up in red ink. He said
+somebody must be doin' suthin' as they had n't ought to be doin'
+somewhere, an' it was both his virtue an' his business to print all
+about it. He says exposin' is the very life o' the newspaper business,
+an' you can't be nothin' nowadays without you expose. He seemed to feel
+very much put out about us not bein' able to be exposed, an' I could n't
+help a kind o' hurt feelin' as it was really so.
+
+"But what can I do, Mrs. Lathrop, I did n't know of nothin'? We ain't
+got no place to do anythin' except in the square an' nobody never does
+nothin' without everybody knows that day or the next mornin' at the
+latest. I don't believe as anybody could have a secret with anybody in
+this town 'cause you'd know very well as if you did n't get 'round
+pretty quick an' tell it first the other one would be gettin' ahead o'
+you an' tellin' it before you. Of course I could see Elijah's drift all
+right. Them city papers has turned his head completely just as they do
+everybody else's when they first get a new idea. Elijah wants us to be
+eatin' bluing for blueberries an' cats for calves jus' so he can be the
+first to tell us about it, but there ain't a cat in town as ain't too
+well known for anybody to eat without knowin' it, an' as for bluing, if
+anybody can feed it to me for blueberries it's me as is the fool an'
+them as is n't, an' that's my views.
+
+"I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, I ain't got no great sympathy
+with this new idea o' keepin' us all stirred up over how awful things
+is. I won't say as I approved when that man in Chicago made sausage out
+o' his wife 'cause he was tired o' her, but I will say as if Lucy see
+her chance at Hiram that way I ain't sure as she could restrain herself.
+Hiram's perfectly healthy an' could be depended upon not to disagree
+with no one in sausage to anythin' like the extent Lucy disagrees with
+him, an' Gran'ma Mullins is so tired of hearin' 'em quarrel that I
+ain't prepared to say as she'd rebel at anythin' as sent Lucy back to
+her father.
+
+"Elijah went on to tell me a lot about insurance an' railroads, but all
+about insurance an' railroads is 'way beyond my interest an' 'way beyond
+the understandin' of every one else here, an' nobody's goin' to remember
+a thing about any of it a year from now anyhow. That's the trouble with
+this country,--they don't remember nothin',--everybody forgets
+everythin' before the month is out. Most of the people never thinks o'
+San Francisco now, an' as for that fire they had in Baltimore, it's as
+dead as Moses.
+
+"That's the advantage the rest of the country has over us when it comes
+to exposin'. They can expose an' expose, an' all the folks who read
+about it forget an' forget, but here in this community it's different
+an' you can't count on _our_ forgettin' things a _tall_, an' if Elijah
+was turned loose I'll venture to say every last one o' them papers
+would be saved until doomsday. I know that an' knowin' that I very
+carefully restrain him. There's a many as knows as Mr. Kimball's dried
+apples is often very under rate, an' a many others as knows whose dead
+cat that was as Mrs. Sweet had to bury after vowin' she would n't till
+she smelt as she'd got to. Every last one of us knows what Dr. Brown
+gets at the drug store when he asks for what he usually gets an' there's
+a good many as thinks as Mrs. Macy goes to Meadville more on a'count o'
+Dr. Carter than to see her cousin, Mrs. Lupey. But I was n't goin' to
+set Elijah swimmin' in any such deep water. Elijah is a young man an'
+the age to go wrong easy, an' when that age see how easy it is to go
+wrong they're nothin' but foolish if they waste another second goin'
+right, so if Elijah wants to go to exposin' he'll have to get his stuff
+from some one else beside me."
+
+"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, I don't say that," said Miss Clegg, "I'm only human after all an'
+I can't in conscience deny as I should like to see them as I don't like
+showed up just as much as any other man as is makin' a business of
+showin' up his neighbors, likes it. But I know I've got to live here an'
+it'd be very poor livin' for me after I'd aired myself by way of Elijah.
+There's a great difference between knowin' things all by yourself an'
+readin' 'em in the paper, an' I know as that dead cat would cause a
+great deal o' hard feelin' in print, while buried by Mrs. Sweet it only
+helps her garden grow. So I shall keep on talkin' as usual, but I shall
+hold Elijah out o' print an' so keep the country safe."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, the paper'll do just as well," said Susan; "he's goin' to print one
+sheet as comes all printed from the city every week an' he says that'll
+put new zest in the thing. It'll be a great deal better to get the zest
+that way than to get it exposin'. Zest is suthin' as is always safest a
+good ways off. Elijah saw that, too, afore he got done last night, for
+in his hitchin' about he hitched over the edge o' the piazza in the
+end."
+
+"Did--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, no," said Miss Clegg. "But he tore a lot of things an' smashed a
+rose bush, but I did n't care about that. I just told him to leave 'em
+on a chair this mornin' an' I'd sew 'em all up again, an' I done it, an'
+as to the rose bush, I'll have him get another an' give it to me for a
+present the next time I go to the city to pick it out myself."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+THE TRIAL OF A SICK MAN IN THE HOUSE
+
+
+"Well, where--" began Mrs. Lathrop in a tone of real pleasure at seeing
+Miss Clegg come into her kitchen one afternoon a few days after.
+
+Miss Clegg dropped into a chair.
+
+"Well, I _have_ got trouble now!" she announced abruptly, "Elijah's
+sick!"
+
+"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"--Jah," finished Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, Elijah's sick! He was sick
+all night an' all this mornin', an' I may in confidence remark as I hope
+this'll be a lesson to him to never do it again, for I've got a feelin'
+in my legs as 'll bear me out in lettin' him or any one else die afore
+I'll ever work again like I've worked to-day an' last night."
+
+"Why, what--"
+
+"Did n't you see young Dr. Brown?"
+
+"No, I--"
+
+"Yes, I supposed so," said Susan, resignedly; "I know your ways, Mrs.
+Lathrop, an' I never look for any other ways in you. It's good as I
+don't, for if I did I'd be blind from lookin' an' not seein'. I know
+you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know your ways, an' I realize to the full how
+different they are from me an' my ways, but a friend is a friend an'
+what can't be endured has got to be cured, so I come to tell you about
+Elijah just the same as I do anythin' else as is easy heard."
+
+"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, he is n't. That is, he was n't when I come out, but he had his pen
+an' said he was goin' to write a editorial sittin' up in bed. He can't
+get out of bed on a'count of the sheet, but 'Liza Em'ly's there if he
+wants anythin' so it don't matter if I do leave for a little while. She
+come an' offered an' I don't see why she should n't have a chance to
+get married the same as any other girl, so I set her in the next room
+an' told her not to go near him on no a'count, an' naturally there ain't
+nothin' as'll make 'em wilder to talk than for Elijah to feel he'd ought
+to be workin' on his editorial an' for 'Liza Em'ly to feel as he had n't
+ought to be spoke to. I don't say as I consider Elijah any great catch,
+but if 'Liza Em'ly can find any joy jumpin' at him with her mouth open I
+ain't one to deprive her of the hop. Elijah's a very fair young man as
+young men go, an' I think any girl as is willin' to do her nine-tenths
+can have a time tryin' to be happy with him. If she ain't happy long it
+won't be Elijah's fault for he's just as sure his wife 'll be happy as
+any other man is."
+
+"But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, that's what I come to tell you. He woke me last night, tappin' on
+my door, an' hollered as he had the appendicitis on both sides at once."
+
+"On both--"
+
+"That's what he said. Well, as soon as I got awake enough to know as I
+was n't asleep, I knowed he was wrong somehow an' I sat up in bed an'
+hollered back to him to take ten sips o' water, hold his breath while he
+counted fifteen, an' go back to bed. I was n't calculatin' to get up
+with no two-sided appendicitis in the middle o' no night if I could help
+it, an' I knowed anyhow as it was only some of them dried apples o' Mr.
+Kimball's as was maybe lodged here an' there in him an' no harm done if
+he'd only let me sleep.
+
+"But, no sir, Elijah had no idea o' lettin' me sleep while he set up
+alone with his own two sides. There's suthin' about a man, Mrs. Lathrop,
+as 'll never let him suffer in silence if there's any woman to be woke
+up. A man can't be a hero unless a woman stands by barefooted with a
+candle, an' he feels a good deal easier groanin' if he can hear her
+sneezin' between times. So back come Elijah right off to say as I must
+be up an' doin' or he'd be dead afore dawn. I was so sound asleep I
+told him to set a mouse trap two times afore my senses come to me an'
+then when they did I was mad. I tell you I was _good_ an' mad too. I put
+on my slippers an' father's duster as I always keep hangin' to my
+bedpost to slip on or dust with just as I feel to need it on or dustin',
+an' I went to Elijah. He was back layin' in bed done up in a sort o'
+ring o' rosy, groanin' an' takin' on an' openin' an' shuttin' his eyes
+like he thought he could make me feel pleased at bein' woke up. But I
+was n't goin' to feel pleased. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, a stitch in
+time saves nine, an' I hadn't no idea of encouragin' Elijah to wake me
+like that, not while there's maybe a chance of me havin' him to board
+more 'n the three months I promised. I saw as I was gettin' into the
+duster as all my comfort depended on how I acted right then an' there
+an' I was decided to be firm. I stood by the bed an' looked at him hard
+an' then I says to him, I says, 'Well, what did you wake me up for?'
+'No one ever felt nothin' like this,' he says; 'I've got two appendixes
+an' I can feel another comin' in my back.' 'Elijah,' I said, 'don't talk
+nonsense. You've been an' woke me up an' now I'm woke up what do you
+want me to do?' I leaned over him as I said it an' let a little hot
+candle grease drip on his neck an' he give a yowl an' straightened out
+an' then give another yowl an' shut up again. 'I'll make you some ginger
+tea,' I says, 'an' put a mustard plaster wherever you like best,' I
+says, 'an' then I shall look to be let alone,' I says, an' so I went
+downstairs an' set to work. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I made that tea an' I
+bet I made it strong; I put some red pepper in it, too, an' poured a
+little mucilage into the plaster, for I may in confidence remark as I
+didn't intend as Elijah should ever look forward to wakin' me up in the
+night again. Then I went upstairs an' he sit up an' took the whole of
+the cup at one gulp! You never see no one so satisfied with nothin' in
+all your life! He fell back like he was shot an' said, 'Scott, Scott,
+Scott,' until really I thought as he was ravin'. Then I said, 'Where do
+you want the plaster, Elijah?' an' he said, 'On my throat, I guess.' I
+says, 'No, Elijah, you've waked me up an' wakin' me up is nothin' to
+joke over. You put this plaster on an' go to sleep an' don't wake me up
+again unless you feel for more tea.' I spoke kind, but he could see as I
+felt firm an' I set the candle down an' went back to bed.
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think,--what _do_ you think? Seems as
+Elijah was so afraid o' burnin' himself in another place that he went
+an' put the _sheet_ between him an' the plaster an' glued himself all
+together. This mornin' when he awoke up there he was with the sheet
+stuck firm to him an' I must say I was very far from pleased when he
+hollered to me an' I went in an' found him lookin' more like a kite than
+anythin' else an' not able to dress 'cause he could n't take off his
+sheet. 'Well, Elijah, you _have_ done it now, I guess,' I says; 'I
+never see nothin' the beat o' this. If I have to send for young Dr.
+Brown to take that sheet off you, you'll be in the papers from the
+earthquake to Russia an' back again.' Well, that was all there was to do
+an' when 'Liza Em'ly come with the milk I had to ask her to go up to
+young Dr. Brown's an' ask him to kindly come as soon as he could an'
+amputate Elijah out o' bed. He come right after breakfast an' he had a
+time, I tell you! We worked with water an' we worked with hot water, we
+tried loosenin' the edges by jerkin' quick when Elijah was n't
+expectin', but it was all no use. Dr. Brown said he never see such a
+plaster, he said it'd be a fortune for mendin' china. Then we got the
+dish-pan an' tried layin' Elijah face down across it an' pilin' books on
+his back to keep the right place in front soakin', but even that didn't
+help. Dr. Brown said in the end as he thought the only way maybe would
+be to do all the corners of the sheet up in a paper an' let Elijah
+carry it hugged tight to him an' wear father's duster down to the crick
+an' sit in it till he just slowly come loose. But Elijah did n't want to
+go bathin' in a duster an' I had a feelin' myself as if Meadville heard
+of it we'd surely be very much talked about, so finally Dr. Brown said
+he thought as he'd go home an' study up the case, an' I let him go for I
+had my own ideas as to how much he knew about what was makin' the
+trouble. So he went an' then I got dinner an' took some up to Elijah an'
+told him jus' what I thought of the whole performance. I talked kind but
+I talked firm an' I done a lot of good, for he said he did n't know but
+it would be better if he arranged to live with the Whites after the
+Fourth of July 'cause he had a feelin' as maybe he was a good deal of
+trouble to me. I told him I hadn't a mite of doubt as he was a good deal
+of trouble to me an' then Mrs. Macy come. I had to stop talkin' to him
+an' go down an' tell her what was the matter. She said right off as her
+idea would be to shut the windows, build a big fire an' make Elijah jus'
+work himself loose from the inside out. I told her about the mucilage
+though an' then she changed her views an' said I'd best fold the sheet
+neatly an' let him wear it till he wore it off next time he growed a new
+skin. Mrs. Macy says she's been told we keep sheddin' our skins the same
+as snakes an' that that's really what makes our clothes need washin' so
+often. She said the moral was plain as by the time the sheet'd need
+washin' Elijah would shed it anyhow. I see the p'int o' what she said
+an' I felt to agree, but while we was talkin' Mrs. Sweet come in an' her
+view was all different. She said as Elijah would find that sheet a most
+awful drag on him an' to her order o' thinkin' he'd ought to go down to
+where Mr. Kimball makes his dried apples an' steam loose in the vat. She
+says he can steam out very fast an' Mr. Kimball bein' his uncle 'll
+naturally let him sit in the vat for nothin'."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I don't know," said Susan; "Lucy come in while we was sittin'
+there an' she said her view'd be for me just to take a firm hold of the
+sheet an' walk straight out of the room without a so much as 'by your
+leave' to Elijah, but I'd be afraid of tearin' the sheet if I did that
+way. An' then Gran'ma Mullins came an' her view was as I'd best sit an'
+sop Elijah with a sponge, which just shows why Hiram is so tore in two
+between such a mother an' such a wife's views."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop again.
+
+"Well, Elijah was writin' a editorial when I left an' 'Liza Em'ly was
+lookin' at him an' sighin' to talk an' I come over to tell you all about
+it."
+
+Just here a piercing scream was heard from across the way.
+
+"My--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+Susan sprang to her feet and ran to the door; as she opened it Eliza
+Emily was seen flying down the Clegg steps.
+
+"What is it?" screamed Miss Clegg from Mrs. Lathrop's steps.
+
+"Elijah dropped his pen," screamed Eliza Emily in reply, "an' when he
+reached for it he fell out o' bed an' tore loose."
+
+"Did he tear the sheet any?"
+
+"No, but he thinks he's tore himself."
+
+Miss Clegg began to walk rapidly towards her own house.
+
+"You can see I've got to go," she called back to her friend over her
+shoulder; "this is what it is to have a man livin' in your house, Mrs.
+Lathrop."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+THE BEGINNING OF THE END
+
+
+As June wore on it became more and more apparent that Elijah wore on
+Miss Clegg. She grew less and less mild towards his shortcomings and
+more and more severe as to the same.
+
+"He's only--" Mrs. Lathrop attempted to explain to her.
+
+"I don't care if he is," she replied, "it says in the Bible as a man is
+a man for all that an' I never was one to go against the Bible even if I
+ain't never felt in conscience called to say where Cain an' Abel got
+married, or what it was as the Jews lit out from Egypt on a'count of. I
+tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, you've forgotten what it is to have a
+man around your house. There's somethin' just about the way a man eats
+an' sleeps as gets very aggravatin' to any woman after the new's off. I
+begin to see what men invented gettin' married for,--it was so they
+could kite around an' always be sure they had one woman safe chained up
+at home to do their cookin' an' washin'. Why, I ain't married to Elijah
+a _tall_, an' yet just havin' him in the house is gettin' me more an'
+more under his thumb every day that he stays with me. I feel to stay in
+the square an' I find myself hurryin' home 'cause he likes hot biscuits,
+an' I feel to turn his washstand around an' I leave it where it is for
+no better reason than as he likes it where it is. It's awful the way a
+man gets the upper hand of a woman! Lord knows I've no love for Elijah
+an' yet I'm caperin' upstairs an' downstairs when he ain't in a hurry
+an' tearin' my legs off scamperin' when he is, until I declare I feel
+mad at myself--I certainly do.
+
+"An' now, there he is fallin' in love with 'Liza Em'ly, the last girl in
+the world as he'd ought to even dream of marryin', an' I talk to him
+an' talk to him, an' tell him so, an' tell him so, an' it don't make no
+more impression than when you rub a cat behind her ear."
+
+"Why, a cat--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Yes, an' so does Elijah. It just tickles him half to death to hear
+'Liza Em'ly's mere name, an' he don't care what any one says about her
+just so long as it's about her.
+
+"I see the minister down in the square to-day an' I told him my opinion
+of it all right to his face. But the minister didn't have no heart for
+'Liza Em'ly--he's too used up discussin' what under the sun is to be
+done with Henry Ward Beecher. He says it's suthin' just awful about
+Henry Ward Beecher's feelin' for Emma Sweet, an' he told me frank an'
+open as personally it's been so terrible easy for him to get himself
+married an' get consequences that he can't find nothin' to point his
+index finger into Henry Ward Beecher with about this unrequited
+affection of his for Emma. He says as he never knowed as a _man_ could
+have unrequited affection afore an' he really seems to feel more'n a
+little hurt over it. He says he can't well see how to restrain Henry
+Ward Beecher an' it's town talk as Henry Ward Beecher is far past
+restrainin' himself. I see Polly White afterward an' she says it's
+gospel truth as he's took indelible ink an' tattoed Emma all over
+himself, even places where he had to do it by guess or a mirror."
+
+"My heavens!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, I should say so," said Susan, "an' will you only consider, Mrs.
+Lathrop, what Emma Sweet is to be tattoed all over any man like that! I
+like all the Sweets an' I like Emma, but it's only in reason as I should
+regard her with a impartial eye, an' no impartial eye lookin' her way
+could ever in reason deny as she don't appear likely to set no rivers
+afire. Emma's a nice girl, an' if her toes turned out an' her teeth
+turned in I don't say but what she might go along without bein' noticed
+in a crowd, but with them teeth an' toes all you can call her is
+good-hearted an' you know as well as I do as bein' called good-hearted
+is about the meanest thing as anybody can ever call anybody else. Folks
+in this world never call any one good-hearted unless they can't find
+nothin' else good to say of 'em, for it stands to reason as any sensible
+person'd rather have anythin' else about 'em good before their heart,
+for it's way inside an' largely guesswork what it is anyhow.
+
+"They say as Mrs. Sweet says as even though Emma's her own child, still
+she can't see no reason for Henry Ward Beecher's March-haredness. She
+says Emma's best p'ints is her gettin' up early an' the way she puts her
+whole soul into washin' an' bread-kneadin', but she says Henry Ward
+Beecher ain't sensible enough to appreciate good p'ints like those. She
+says she's talked to Emma an' any one with half a eye can see as it
+ain't Emma as needs the talkin' to. She says Emma says as the way he
+hangs onto her goin' home from choir practice is enough to pull her
+patience all out of proportion. She says Emma says she'd as soon have a
+garter-snake seein' her home, an' doin' itself up in rings around her
+all the while, an' Mrs. Sweet says any one as has ever seen Emma seein'
+a garter-snake would consider Henry Ward Beecher's chances as very slim
+after a remark like that.
+
+"Mr. Kimball says he wishes he had n't took him into his store just now;
+he says no young man ain't got a call to the grocery trade when he's in
+a state of heart as won't let him hear the call o' the man as owns the
+business, an' Mr. Kimball says when he fell into the vat where he was
+stirrin' up his dried apples, Henry Ward Beecher never heard one single
+holler as he gave--not one single solitary holler did that boy hear, an'
+Mr. Kimball 'most had a real city Turkish bath as a result. Why, he told
+me as he was in the vat for nigh on to a hour afore Elijah heard him
+from the other side, an' he says as a consequence he ain't very much
+took with havin' a clerk as is in love. He says too as only to see Henry
+Ward Beecher tryin' to pour through a funnel when any member o' the
+Sweet family is walkin' by on the other side of the square is enough to
+make him as owns what's bein' spilt wish as Henry Ward Beecher's father
+had gone unrequited too. Mrs. Macy come in while we was talkin' an' she
+said it was too bad as Emma wasn't smarter, 'cause if Emma was smarter
+Henry Ward Beecher'd jus' suit her. Mrs. Macy says the trouble is as
+Emma's too smart to be willin' to marry a fool an' not quite smart
+enough to be willin' to. Mrs. Macy says as Mr. Fisher was just such
+another an' Mrs. Fisher jumped for him like a duck at a bug."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.
+
+"No," said Susan, "but Gran'ma Mullins did. Gran'ma Mullins is always
+nothin' but glad to have a chance to shake her head an' wipe her eyes
+over any one's love-makin'. She come in to wait a little 'cause Lucy
+wanted to dust an' she says she ain't got no strength to stay in the
+house while Lucy dusts; she says it lays Hiram out on the sofa every
+time regular an' sometimes it gives him the toothache. She says she an'
+Hiram never know when they 're dirty a'cordin' to Lucy's way o' thinkin'
+but, Heaven help 'em, they always know when they're clean a'cordin' to
+Lucy's idea of bein' clean. She says Lucy is that kind as takes one of
+her hairpins an' goes down on her knees an' scratches out the last bit
+of dirt as the Lord hath mercifully seen fit to allow to settle in His
+cracks. You can see as Gran'ma Mullins has suffered! She says it's a
+hard thing to bear, but Hiram grins an' she bears an' their pride helps
+'em out.
+
+"While we was talkin' Emma come by for the mail an' we see Henry Ward
+Beecher's face just hoverin' madly over the breakfast-food display in
+Mr. Kimball's window. Mr. Jilkins was in town buyin' a rake an' he
+waited to see what would happen. Judge Fitch was there too an' Polly
+White. We all had our eyes fixed on Henry Ward Beecher an' I will say,
+Mrs. Lathrop, as I never got so tired waitin' for nothin'."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Love affairs is terrible tame to lookers-on, I think. If they get over
+it your time's wasted an' if they don't get over it the time's wasted
+all around. My own opinion is as all love affairs is a very foolish kind
+o' business, for you never find real sensible folks havin' anythin' to
+do with 'em. But it was no use talkin' that to-day, so Henry Ward
+Beecher hung up there on the breakfast foods, an' we sat an' watched him
+like combination cats till long about five Johnny come by an' said as
+Mr. Sperrit had took Emma home with them to tea."
+
+"Oh--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, impulsively.
+
+"I don't know why not," said Susan, "my own opinion is as he's a
+idiot--"
+
+"Mr. Sper--"
+
+"No, Henry Ward Beecher. It's always struck me as a very strange thing
+as we had n't got one single idiot in this community an' I guess the
+real truth is as we've had one all the time an' did n't know him by
+sight. There's a idiot most everywhere till he gets the idea into his
+head to kill some one an' so gives others the idea as he's safer shut
+up, an' so it ain't surprisin' our havin' one too. I see Mrs. Brown on
+my way home an' I asked her if she did n't think as I was right. She
+said she would n't be surprised if it was true, an' it was very odd as
+she'd never thought o' it before, recollectin' her experience with him
+years ago when she had him that time as the minister went to the
+Sperrits' on his vacation. She went on to say then as to her order o'
+thinkin' Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit come pretty close to bein' idiots
+themselves, for she says she don't know she's sure what ails 'em but
+they've been married years now an' is still goin' round as beamin' as
+two full moons. She says it ain't anythin' to talk of in public but
+actually to see 'em drivin' back from market sometimes most makes her
+wish as she was n't a widow, an' she says anythin' as'd make her sorry
+she's a widow had n't ought to be goin' round loose in a Christian town.
+She was very much in earnest an' Mrs. Fisher overtook us just then an'
+she said it all over again to her an' she said more, too--she said as
+the way she looks at him in church is all right an' really nothin' but a
+joy to look on afore marriage, but she don't consider it hardly decent
+afterwards for it's deludin' an' can't possibly be meant in earnest. She
+says she was married, an' her son is married, an' her father was
+married, too, an' you can't tell her that the way Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit
+go on isn't suthin' pretty close to idiocy even if it ain't the whole
+thing."
+
+"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Mrs. Fisher said," continued Susan, "as she thought maybe she got used
+to lookin' pleasant at him in all them years as she kept house for him
+afore he made up his mind to get married to her, an' so the habit kind
+of is on her an' what's dyed in the wool keeps on stickin' to Mr.
+Sperrit. She said as they do say as he married her 'cause he wanted her
+bedroom to hang up corn to dry in. She went on to say as for her part
+she always enjoyed seein' the Sperrits so happy for it done any one good
+to only look at 'em an' that she'd only be too happy to be a idiot
+herself if it'd do any human bein' good to look at her an' Mr. Fisher
+afterwards. She went on to say as she'd heard as the other night Mr.
+Sperrit drove two miles back in the rain 'cause he'd forgot a cake o'
+sapolio as she'd asked him to bring. I spoke up at that an' I said I did
+n't see nothin' very surprisin' in that, for I know if I asked any man
+as I was married to to bring home a cake o' sapolio I should most surely
+look to see the cake when he come home."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I know; but you always spoiled him," said Susan. "Well, what was I
+sayin'? Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown said as Mrs. Macy was tellin' her the other
+day as they've got a idiot in Meadville--a real hereditary one; the
+doctors have all studied him an' it's a clear case right down from his
+great-grandfather."
+
+"His great--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Grandfather," said Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that is how it was, an'
+Mrs. Macy says it's really so, for she see the tombstones all but the
+mother's--hers ain't done yet. Seems the idiocy come from the
+great-grandfather's stoppin' on the train crossin' to pick up a frog
+'cause he was runnin' for suthin' in connection with the Society for the
+Prevention of Cruelty to Animals."
+
+"The frog!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, the great-grandfather. Seems he never stopped to consider as what'd
+kill a frog would be sure to hit him, an' Mrs. Macy says the doctors
+said as that was one very strong piece o' evidence against the family
+brains right at the start, but she says he really was smarter than they
+thought, for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals paid
+for the funeral an' for the grandmother's, too."
+
+"The grand--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"--Mother's," said Susan. "Yes, seems the railway track was their back
+fence an' she'd always begged an' prayed him at the top o' her voice not
+to go to town that way, but he would n't listen 'cause he was stone-deaf
+an' then besides like all that kind he always pretended not to hear what
+he did n't want to. But anyhow she was in the garden an' she see the
+train an' she tried to get to him, an' whether she broke a blood vessel
+yellin' or contracted heart disease hoppin' up an' down, anyway she fell
+over right then an' there an' it would have been copied in all the
+newspapers all over the country even if the mother--"
+
+"The moth--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Er," said Susan. "Yes, seems she heard the yell an' run to the window
+so quick she knocked the stick out as held it up an' it come down on her
+head. So, you see the idiocy come right straight down in the family of
+the idiot for three generations afore him."
+
+"I ain't sure," said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
+
+"I ain't either," said Susan; "Mrs. Macy says, she was n't either. No
+one in Meadville never was."
+
+"An' yet--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, as to that," said Susan, "that's altogether another kind o' idiot.
+Henry Ward Beecher won't die of his love even if Emma won't have him,
+an' they'll both always be the better an' happier for not havin' one
+another, if they only knew it. It's mighty easy to love folks an' think
+how happy you'd always be with 'em as long as you don't marry 'em. It's
+marryin' 'em an' livin' in the house with 'em as shows you how hard it
+is to be really married. I thank Heaven I'm only livin' in the house
+with Elijah an' not married to him, so I can see my way ahead to gettin'
+rid of him in a little while now. You don't know how I ache to draw the
+curtains of his room an' pin up the bed an' pour the water out of his
+pitcher an' set a mouse trap in there an' just know it is n't goin' to
+be mussed up again."
+
+Susan sighed deeply.
+
+"How long--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"I said three months," said Miss Clegg, "an' that takes it over the
+Fourth of July. My heavens alive, seems some days as if I could n't but
+just live, an' the meanest thing about a man is, he's so dead sure as he
+makes you happy, bein' around the house."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+AN OLD-FASHIONED FOURTH
+
+
+"Well, Elijah seems to have hit the nail on its foot instead of its head
+this time," said Miss Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop on the noon of the Sunday
+before the Fourth of July; "that editorial of his in this week's paper
+ain't suitin' any one a _tall_. I was down in the square yesterday an'
+everybody as was there was talkin' about it, an' to-day after church
+everybody was still talkin' about it, an' gettin' more mad all the
+time."
+
+"What--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"The one about the celebration as he printed in this week's paper,"
+replied her friend; "they was for discussin' nothin' else after church
+to-day, an' one an' all is dead set against the way as Elijah says.
+Them as has bought their fireworks ain't pleased, of course, an' Mr.
+Kimball says as he considers that Elijah had ought to of consulted him
+afore he printed such a article in the hind part of a uncle's store that
+had just laid in a new supply of two pounds of punk alone. Mr. Kimball
+says as he'd planned a window display o' cannon crackers pointin' all
+ways out of a fort built o' his new dried apples an' now here's Elijah
+comin' out in Saturday's paper for an old-fashioned Fourth o' July
+without no firecrackers a _tall_. Mr. Kimball says he thinks Elijah
+ought to remember whose nephew he is an' show some family feelin'; he
+says punk is a thing as can never be worked off in no bargain lot of
+odds an' ends, an' he says his own Fourth o' July is spoiled now anyway
+just by the shock of the worry 'cause he can't be sure how folks is
+goin' to be affected until the effect is over, an' the Fourth o' July'll
+be over mighty quick this year. 'T ain't like they had most a week to
+calm down from Elijah's new idea--they ain't got but just Monday to
+decide an' buy their fireworks, too.
+
+"Judge Fitch says he can't quite make out what Elijah meant by callin'
+for patriotic speeches; he says he's willin' to make a speech any day,
+but he says no one ever wants to stop poppin' long enough to listen to a
+speech on the Fourth o' July. He says too as it's very hard to get a
+still crowd that day 'cause people are afraid to get absorbed listenin'
+for fear suthin' may go off under 'em while they ain't keepin' watch.
+Mr. Dill said that was true, 'cause he had a personal experience that
+way in his own dog; he says that dog would of made a fine hunter only
+some one throwed a torpedo at him one Fourth o' July, when he was
+lookin' under a sidewalk, an' after that that dog almost had a fit if a
+sparrow chirped quick behind him. Mr. Dill said he tried to cure him by
+stuffin' cotton in his ears an' keepin' a cloth tied neatly around his
+head, but then he read in the paper about some deaf German as when he
+played the piano always listened with his teeth, an' he said that just
+made him empty the cotton right out of the dog an' give up.
+
+"Mrs. Macy says what she wants to know is what's Elijah tryin' to get at
+anyhow. She says she always thought a barbecue was a kind of cake an'
+she did n't know white folks ever could lift their legs that high, even
+if they felt to want to. She says the idea of its bein' suthin' to eat
+in the woods is surely most new to her an' she ain't sure she wants to
+eat in the woods anyhow. She says there's always flies an' mosquitoes in
+the woods an' she's passed the age o' likin' to drop down anywhere, an'
+jump up any time, years ago. As for cookin' in the woods she says that
+part of Elijah's editorial is too much for every one. She says she never
+hear of roastin' a ox whole in a pit in her life; she says how is the ox
+to be got into the pit an' what's to cook him while he's in there an'
+when he's cooked how's he to be got out again to eat? She says she
+thinks Elijah has got a ox an' a clam mixed in his mind, an' a pit an' a
+pile. She says she knows they cook clams in piles on the seashore,
+'cause she's heard so from people as has been there, an' besides she
+seen a picture of one once.
+
+"Gran'ma Mullins came up an' she's most awful troubled over the ox, too.
+She says Hiram is got such a name for bein' strong now that she just
+knows as they'll expect him to put that ox into the pit when they're
+ready to cook him, an' then lift him out again when he's done. She says
+it's gettin' too terrible about Hiram, every time as somebody fat dies
+anywhere or there's a piano to move or a barn to get up on jack-screws
+they send right for Hiram to be one o' the pallbearers an' give him the
+heaviest corner. Why, she says the other day when that refrigerator came
+for Polly White they unloaded it right onto Hiram from the train, an'
+not a soul dreamed as there was shot packed in both sides of it to save
+rates, until poor Hiram set it down to put it on the other shoulder.
+She says too, as she can't well see how a ox can be roasted whole
+anyway; she says it'll be a awful job gettin' his hair singed off in the
+first place, an' she just knows they'll expect Hiram to hold him an'
+twirl him while he's singein'. Then, too, she says as the whole of a ox
+don't want to be roasted anyhow. The tongue has to be boiled an' the
+liver has to be sliced an' the calves' brains has to be breaded an'
+dipped in egg, an' after he's roasted an' Hiram has got him out o' the
+pit, who's to skin him then, she'd like to know, for you can't tell her
+as anybody can eat rawhide, even if it is cooked.
+
+"Deacon White come up, an' he said he an' Polly would bring their own
+lunch an' their own pillow an' blanket an' hammock an' look on, 'cause
+Polly wanted to see the fun an' they were n't intendin' to have any
+fireworks anyhow. He said he was curious about the ox himself; he said
+he wondered where they'd get the ox, an' the pit, too, for that matter.
+
+"He said he wanted it distinctly understood as he an' Polly'd bring
+their own lunch an' neither borrow nor lend. He said that rule would
+apply to the pillow an' the blanket an' the hammock, the same as to the
+lunch. There was some talk after he was gone on how terrible close he
+an' Polly are both gettin'. Seems kind of funny, to be so savin' when
+you ain't got nobody to save for, but the Whites an' Allens was always
+funny an' what's bred in the flesh always sticks the bones out
+somewhere, as we all know.
+
+"The minister come up an' he said as it says in the Bible as when the ox
+is in the pit every one must join in an' help him out, so he shall do
+his part an' bring all his family with him. But he said he must remark
+as to his order of thinkin' a ox struck him as a most singular way to
+commemorate the day our forefathers fought an' bled over. He says he
+should have thought a service o' song an' a much to be desired donation
+towards cleanin' out his cistern would have been a more fittin' way to
+spend the glorious Fourth in, than fixin' a ox in a pit an' tryin' to
+bake him there. He says he don't think it can be done anyhow, he says a
+ox ain't no chestnut to stick in the ashes till he bounces out cooked o'
+his own accord.
+
+"Mrs. Fisher says she sha'n't have nothin' to do with any of it; they're
+all goin' to the city, an' Mr. Fisher is goin' to a lecture on that
+Russian that his country wants to amalgamate for suthin' he's done; an'
+she an' John Bunyan is goin' to the Hippodrome. They want to see the
+girl turn upside down in the automobile an' Mrs. Fisher says she can
+hear about the ox when she comes back.
+
+"Mrs. Brown says they sha'n't go, 'cause young Dr. Brown's afraid o'
+microbes in the woods. He's goin' to disinfect everythin' with that new
+smell he's invented the day before the Fourth, an' then they're goin' to
+have huckleberry biscuit an' watermelon an' just spend a quiet day
+waitin' for any accidents as may maybe come along. Mrs. Brown says
+young Dr. Brown is always hopin' for another railroad smash-up like that
+one that came while he was away studyin'. She says it always seems too
+bad it couldn't have come a year later, when he was just back with that
+handsome brand new set of doctor's knives an' forks as he got for a
+prize." Susan paused.
+
+"Shall you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, I sha'n't. I ain't interested in the Fourth o' July. I never had
+nothin' to do with it in the beginnin' an' I ain't never had nothin' to
+do with it since. My own idea's always been as the Boston people was
+very foolish to go throwin' their tea overboard sooner'n buy stamps. We
+all buy stamps now an' no one thinks o' fussin' over it, an' I guess we
+do a lot other things as we'd never of had to do if we'd kept our tea
+an' our mouths shut in the beginnin'. They say tea is very cheap in
+England an' very good, too, an' heaven knows nothin' is cheap with us.
+Elijah says if it wasn't for his uncle he'd take a strong stand on a
+low tariff, but my goodness, it looks to me like he'd better not meddle
+with the tariff--he's set the town by the ears enough with his ox. I had
+a long talk with him last night about the whole thing. I don't know, I'm
+sure, how Elijah ever is goin' to get on without me, for I certainly do
+talk to him enough to keep him in ideas right straight along. I was very
+kind last night--but I was firm, too. In the end I broke him down
+completely an' he told me as he never meant it that way a _tall_. He
+says he only drew a picture o' what the Fourth o' July was in olden
+times. But this town ain't good on pictures, we take things right up by
+the handle an' deal with 'em a'cordin'."
+
+"But--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, of course not," said Susan, "but they can take him up by the tail
+an' horns, can't they?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE DAY
+
+
+"Well," said Miss Clegg to her friend the Sunday after the Fourth, "I'm
+thankful to say as the game is up to-morrow an' Elijah moves out of my
+house. We never had no Fourth o' July like this afore an' every one is
+prayin' as we'll never have such another again. It was really very
+peaceful in church this mornin' an' the collection was thirty-two cents,
+so that shows as folks is beginnin' to take heart again, but you could
+see as they was all nervous an' even the minister kept lookin' anxiously
+out of the window whenever he thought as he heard a noise. Mr. Weskin
+says he thinks a house catchin' fire from bein' disinfected comes under
+some head as lets the insurance get paid anyhow an' he says if not he'll
+take the case for the Browns on even halves for his heart is full o'
+sympathy for 'em. The Browns was in church themselves to-day, all but
+Amelia, an' I had the story from them straight for the first time. Young
+Dr. Brown says he can't understand any of it; he says the stuff must be
+stirred in a barrel for two hours without stoppin' an' he says he'll let
+any man breathe a suspicion as his mother stopped after he once set her
+at it! Mrs. Brown says she did n't stop neither, she says when she could
+n't move her arms any more for love or money, she stuck the broomstick
+through her belt an' sat on the edge o' the barrel an' kept the stuff
+stirrin' so. They poured in the acid right after breakfast, an' then Dr.
+Brown wanted the test to be thorough, so they put a live fly in each
+room, shut the doors between, shut all the windows, took the silver out
+on the lawn, an' then threw a match into the barrel an' run out the coal
+cellar door.
+
+"Amelia is up at her father's an' ain't able to speak of it yet, but
+Mrs. Brown says her own view of it will always be as it was a explosion.
+She says as she can't see how you could call it anythin' else in the
+world. She says they was all sittin' in the arbor an' Amelia was just
+gettin' into the hammock an' Dr. Brown was just beginnin' on the King o'
+Spain's honeymoon in the paper, with a picture of a bullfight to
+illustrate it, when she heard such a noise as she never will forget
+again in all her life to come. She says her first thought was as Amelia
+had bu'st the hammock, for she says she tries to be kind to the bosom
+wife of her chosen son, but Amelia is surely most awful hard on anythin'
+as you get in an' out of, but then she heard the second noise, an' she
+says to her dyin' day she won't be able to swear to nothin' but as she
+thought it was San Francisco quakin' right in our very middle. Why, she
+says, she never for one second doubted as it was a earthquake. The
+canary-bird cage come sailin' out o' the dinin'-room window, all the
+chimneys went down with a crash, an' Amelia give one yell an' fainted.
+Mrs. Brown says she an' young Dr. Brown did n't really know which way to
+turn for a minute. They could n't seem to think whether their first duty
+was to shake Amelia or run around to the front of the house. The windows
+was blowin' out as fast as they could an' the most awful smellin' smoke
+you ever smelt was pourin' out after them! She said the smell was bad
+enough when she was stirrin' the stuff in the barrel, but exploded, it
+was just beyond all belief. In the end they left Amelia an' run 'round
+behind the house an' if there was n't all the kitchen stove lids comin'
+bangin' out at 'em an' all the feathers from the pillows just rainin'
+down like snow! They run aroun' to the side an' there was Amelia's
+sheets o' music all over the lawn an' jars o' pickles with the glass
+lids gone, an' jelly tumblers an' weddin' gold-rimmed china, an' in
+front an' on top of all else if the fire did n't bu'st out!
+
+"Dr. Brown run for the fire engine then an' every one was at home
+gettin' ready for the picnic an' there wa'n't no one down town a _tall_.
+He was all of ten minutes findin' any one an' when he found him it was
+only Mr. Shores, an' Mrs. Brown says as gettin' out a fire engine with
+Mr. Shores an' your house burnin' is suthin' as she trusts will never be
+her lot again. She says Mr. Shores would n't lay hold o' the engine till
+after the cover was folded up neatly an' then he wanted to dust the
+wheels afore runnin' it out. Then after it was run out an' got to the
+house, if there wa'n't no hose, an' Dr. Brown had to run away back to
+the engine house for the hose an' while he was runnin' he met John
+Bunyan runnin' too an' John Bunyan told him as the hose was kept coiled
+up in the part as sticks up behind the engine like a can. So they run
+back together an' got it out an' run with it to the well an' Dr. Brown
+was so excited he dropped the hose in the well. Mrs. Brown says she was
+nigh too mad by this time with the house explodin' all over again every
+few minutes an' things as you never have around comin' sailin' out o'
+the windows right in people's faces when they was only there to be
+neighborly an' look on. She was runnin' back an' forth an' explainin' as
+it was n't for want o' stirrin', for she stirred it herself, when Sam
+Duruy come runnin' an' seems there's always another hose tied up under
+the engine an' he unhooked that an' John Bunyan built a fire in the hole
+for fire while they fixed the new hose in the cistern, but oh my, the
+house was too far gone to be saved by that time. So they pumped some on
+Amelia just to try the hose, an' then they helped pick up the things as
+was blowed out of the windows. Mrs. Brown says it was all most awful an'
+she knows from her son's face as he thinks it was all because she
+stopped stirrin' sometimes durin' the two hours an' she declares with
+tears as she never stopped stirrin' once--not _once_.
+
+"Mrs. Fisher says the way people is sick from the smell shows as all the
+flies they put in the rooms must of surely been killed, so the
+experiment's a success in one way at least. Mrs. Fisher walked part way
+home with me an' we had a nice talk about the Browns. She says the
+Browns is most amusin' always in the ways they use flies; she says when
+young Dr. Brown was little, Mrs. Brown used to put a fly in the
+sugar-box when she went down to the square for things so she could tell
+when she come back whether he'd been at the sugar, an' so let the fly
+out. She says young Dr. Brown cured her o' that happy thought by takin'
+the fly out himself when she was down town one time an' puttin' a mad
+bee in instead. She says she guesses Dr. Brown has given her many a
+little lesson like that or he'd never be able to keep her stirrin'
+anythin' as smells for two hours."
+
+"Where--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, the Fitches took Amelia an' her husband of course an' Mrs. Brown
+is goin' over to Meadville to-morrow. Mrs. Macy says maybe old Dr.
+Carter will marry her now as she ain't got any house to be attached to.
+I don't see why that would n't be a good end for Mrs. Brown, she can
+step right into Mrs. Carter's shoes--an' her clothes, too, for that
+matter, for he never give away a thing when she died. Yes, he did, too,
+though, she wanted her nieces to have a souvenir an' he give one the
+waist an' the other the skirt to the same dress, but Mrs. Fisher says
+what he would n't give away to no man for love or money was all her
+union underwear for winter. Seems she always wore the best an' finest,
+an' when she died Dr. Carter said he'd keep all them union suits an'
+wear 'em out himself."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, an' I would n't either," said Miss Clegg; "there would n't be no
+comfort marryin' a man whose first wife could n't call even her union
+suits her own after she died, not to my order of thinkin'."
+
+"Was--" asked her friend.
+
+"Oh, the picnic?" said Susan, "no, that was n't a success a _tall_. They
+spread the tablecloth over a flyin' ant nest in the first place an' Mrs.
+Macy says shad bones is nothin' to the pickin' out as they had to do
+while eatin' as a consequence. She says they very soon found out as they
+was under a wood-tick tree too, an' the children run into a burr-patch
+after dinner. The minister tried to teach the twins to fish an' the bank
+caved in with 'em all three, an' the minister had to go all the way home
+that way. Gran'ma Mullins got a gnat in her eye an' Hiram walked way
+back to town for a flaxseed to put in it to get the gnat out, an'
+crossin' the bridge he sneezed an' the flaxseed just disappeared
+completely, an' Lucy would n't let him go back again, so all she could
+do was to keep a-rubbin' till finally she rubbed it out. Mr. Dill
+climbed up a tree to show as he could still climb up a tree an' a branch
+broke an' tore him so bad he had to walk home with the minister,--I
+guess every one's glad the Fourth's over."
+
+"How's--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Elijah? Oh, he went to town for the day. He says it's him for town when
+there 's anythin' goin' on in the country. He come back lookin' like
+he'd really enjoyed himself, but I was afraid he was goin' to have a
+fever at first he talked so queer in his sleep that night an' began all
+his sentences with 'Here's to--' an' then stopped in a most curious way.
+I was very much relieved when I see him come downstairs the next
+mornin', only his appetite ain't what it was yet."
+
+"May--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, I don't think so. There ain't any one for him to be in love with
+anyhow unless it's 'Liza Em'ly. He's really too smart for any girl in
+this community an' he ain't got a single picture among his things nor a
+letter as I don't know who wrote it. I thought at first as he used to
+call 'Annie' in his sleep the nights after we have dumplin's, but it
+ain't 'Annie' he says; it's 'Aunty,' an' heaven knows a aunt never broke
+no man's heart yet."
+
+Susan rose to go home.
+
+"I'm glad the Fourth's over, anyway," she said as she took up her
+parasol and mitts. "I think it's always a great strain on the country,
+but even if no one never likes it nor enjoys it, I suppose we must keep
+on havin' it with us year after year, for Elijah says as, as a nation,
+we're so proud o' bein' ahead o' everythin' an' everybody, that we'll
+die afore we'll go on one step further. He says what's one day o' terror
+a year beside the idea as we're free to do as we please. Gran'ma Mullins
+says all she can say is as she thanks God for every Fourth o' July as
+leaves Hiram whole, for he's the only apple she's got for her eye an'
+she'd go stark ravin' mad if anythin' was to tear him apart in the dream
+of his youth."
+
+"Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously.
+
+"Well, I can't stop to see if I did or did n't now," said Miss Clegg;
+"to-night's my last evenin' with Elijah an' I told him to be sure an' be
+home early. We'll try an' part pleasantly even though I should be mighty
+mad at him if I thought as he was half as glad to go as I am to get rid
+of him. I don't like the ways of a man in the house, Mrs. Lathrop,--they
+seem to act like they thought you enjoyed havin' 'em around. I can't see
+where they ever got the idea in the first place, but it certainly does
+seem to stick by 'em most wonderful."
+
+"There--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+Susan turned her head.
+
+"Yes, that's him comin'," she said; "well, now I must go, Mrs. Lathrop.
+I'll come over to-morrow an' tell you when I'm free of him, bag an'
+baggage."
+
+"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--"
+
+"Yes, I do, too," said Miss Clegg, "but you see I said for three months
+an' the three months ain't up till to-morrow."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+EXIT THE MAN OUT OF SUSAN CLEGG'S HOUSE
+
+
+"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, coming over the evening after,
+weary but triumphant, "Elijah is gone an' I tell you I'll never be too
+tender-hearted for my own good again. I won't say but what it was me an'
+nobody else as brought him down on my own head, but I must fully an'
+freely state as it's certainly been me an' no one else as has had to
+hold my own head up under him. An' he _has_ been a load!
+
+"Why, Mrs. Lathrop, do you know that man's stockin's alone has took me
+about one mornin' a week, an' as to buttons--well, I never knew a editor
+could bu'st 'em off so fast. An' as to puttin' away what he took off, or
+foldin' back things into the drawer where they belongs, why, a monkey
+swingin' upside down by his tail is busy carefully keepin' house
+compared to Elijah Doxey.
+
+"I never see such a man afore! If Hiram's anythin' like him I don't
+blame Lucy for battin' him about as she does. I did n't suppose such
+ways could be lived with in oneself. An' that table where he wrote!
+Well! I tell you I've got it cleared off to-night an' my clean curtains
+folded off on it, an' no man never sets foot on it again, I can tell you
+_that_.
+
+"I won't say as it wa'n't a little tryin' gettin' him off to-day an' I
+did feel to feel real sober while I was hangin' his mattress back to the
+rafters in the attic, but when I remembered as I'd never see them
+bedclothes kicked out at the foot again I cheered up amazin'. Mrs. Brown
+come in just afore supper an' she seemed to think it was some queer as I
+was n't goin' to miss Elijah, but I told her she did n't know me. 'Mrs.
+Brown,' I says, 'your son was a doctor an' you can't be expected to
+know what it is to board a editor, so once bit, soonest mended. She's
+mournin' over her burnt house yet, so she could n't really feel to
+sympathize with me, but I had n't time to stop an' mourn with her,--I
+was too busy packin' away Elijah's toilet set.
+
+"He got a good deal of ink around the room, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I shall
+make Mr. Kimball give me a bottle of ink-remover free, seein' as he's
+his nephew; but I don't see as he done any other real damage. I looked
+the room over pretty sharp an' I can't find nothin' wrong with it. I
+shall burn a sulphur candle in there to-morrow an' then wash out the
+bureau drawers an' I guess then as the taste of Elijah'll be pretty well
+out of my mouth.
+
+"I'm sure I don't know what we're comin' to as to men, Mrs. Lathrop, for
+I must say they seem more extra in the world every day. Most everythin'
+as they do the women is able to do better now, an' women is so willin'
+to be pleasant about it, too. Not as Elijah was n't pleasant--I never
+see a more pleasant young man, but he had a way of comin' in with muddy
+boots an' a smile on his face as makes me nothin' but glad as he's left
+my house an' gone to Polly White's."
+
+"Won't you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"No, I won't,--not if I know myself. I ain't never been lonesome afore
+in my life an' I ain't goin' to begin now. Bein' lonesome is very fine
+for them as keeps a girl to do their work, but I have to slave all day
+long if there's anybody but me around the house, an' I don't like to
+slave. I guess Elijah's expectin' to be lonesome though, for he asked me
+if I'd mind his comin' up an' talkin' over the Personal column with me
+sometimes. I could see as he was more'n a little worried over how under
+the sun he was goin' to run the paper without me. As a matter of fact,
+Mrs. Lathrop, I've been the main stay of that paper right from the
+first. Not to speak o' boardin' the editor, I've supplied most o' the
+brains as run it. You know as I never am much of a talker, but I did
+try to keep Elijah posted as to how things was goin' on an' the feelin'
+as no matter what I said, it was him an' not me as would be blamed if
+there was trouble, always kept up my courage. There's a many nights as
+I've kept him at his work an' a many others as I've held him down to it.
+Elijah has n't been a easy young man to manage, I can tell you."
+
+Susan stopped and sighed.
+
+"I like to think how he's goin' to miss me now," she said, "I made him
+awful comfortable. Polly'll never do all the little things as I did.
+It's a great satisfaction when a man leaves your house, Mrs. Lathrop, to
+know as he'll be bound to wish himself back there many an' many time."
+
+"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Oh, I'll find plenty to do," said Susan Clegg, "it ain't made a mite of
+difference in my life. I shall go on livin' just the same as ever.
+Nothin's changed for me just because for three months I had a man in
+the house. I ain't even altered my general views o' men any, for land
+knows Elijah wa'n't so different from the rest of them that he could
+teach me much as is new. I ain't never intended to get married anyway,
+so he ain't destroyed my ideals none, an' I told Mr. Kimball when I took
+him as I'd agree to keep him three months an' I would n't agree for love
+or money to keep him any longer, an' I've kept him for three months an'
+no love or money could of made me keep him a day longer."
+
+"Did n't you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Why, yes, I liked him," said Susan, "there were spots durin' the time
+when I felt to be real fond of him, but laws, that did n't make me want
+to have him around any more than I had to. But you know as well as I do
+that a woman can like a man very much an' still be happiest when she
+ain't got him on her hands to fuss with. I was n't built to fuss, Mrs.
+Lathrop, as you know to your cost, for if I had been I'd of been over
+here two days a week tidyin' up out of pure friendship, for the last
+twenty years. But no, I ain't like that--never was an' never will
+be--an' I ain't one to go pitchin' my life hither an' yon an' dancin'
+wildly first on one leg an' then the other from dawn to dusk for other
+people. Elijah's come an' Elijah's gone an' his mattress is hung back to
+the rafter in the attic an' his sulphur candle is all bought to burn
+to-morrow an' when that's over an' the smell's over too I shall look to
+settle down an' not have nothin' more to upset my days an' nights till
+your time comes, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I hope to goodness as it won't come
+in the night, for boardin' a editor has put me all at outs with night
+work."
+
+"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
+
+"Well, if you say so, I'll believe it," said Miss Clegg; "for I will say
+this for you, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is as with all your faults you've
+never yet told me nothin' as I've found out from others afterwards was
+n't true."
+
+
+
+
+_A Masterpiece of Native Humor_
+
+SUSAN CLEGG AND HER
+
+FRIEND MRS. LATHROP
+
+
+By ANNE WARNER
+
+Author of "A Woman's Will," etc.
+
+
+With Frontispiece. 227 pages. 12mo. $1.00.
+
+
+It is seldom a book so full of delightful humor comes before the reader.
+Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists,
+who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years.--_Brooklyn
+Eagle_.
+
+Nothing better in the new homely philosophy style of fiction has been
+written.--_San Francisco Bulletin_.
+
+Anne Warner has given us the rare delight of a book that is extremely
+funny. Hearty laughter is in store for every reader.--_Philadelphia
+Public Ledger_.
+
+Susan is a positive contribution to the American characters in
+fiction.--_Brooklyn Times_.
+
+Susan Clegg is a living creature, quite as amusing and even more
+plausible than Mrs. Wiggs. Susan's human weaknesses are endearing, and
+we find ourselves in sympathy with her.--_New York Evening Post_.
+
+No more original or quaint person than she has ever lived in
+fiction.--_Newark Advertiser_.
+
+LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON
+
+_At all Booksellers'_
+
+
+
+
+_Another Popular "Susan Clegg" Book_
+
+SUSAN CLEGG AND
+
+HER NEIGHBORS' AFFAIRS
+
+
+_By_ ANNE WARNER
+
+With frontispiece. 12mo. Cloth, $1.00
+
+
+All the stories brim over with quaint humor, caustic sarcasm, and
+concealed contempt for male folk and matrimonial chains.--_Philadelphia
+Ledger_.
+
+Anything more humorous than the "Susan Clegg" stories would be hard to
+find.--Jeannette L. Gilder, Editor of _Putnam's Magazine_.
+
+The best work that Anne Warner has published. Miss Clegg has become an
+institution in the humor of America.--_Baltimore Sun_.
+
+Her "Susan Clegg" stories, rich in pungent humor and extremely clever in
+their portrayal of quaint and amusing character, deserve a place among
+the choice specimens of American humorous literature--which means the
+best humorous literature in the world.--_New York Times_.
+
+Sure to be welcomed by that large class of readers who found in "Susan
+Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop" one of the most genuinely humorous
+books ever written by a woman on this side of the Atlantic.--_St. Louis
+Globe-Democrat_.
+
+LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers
+
+254 Washington Street. Boston
+
+
+
+
+_A New Story by the Author of "Susan Clegg"_
+
+
+THE REJUVENATION
+
+OF AUNT MARY
+
+By ANNE WARNER
+
+Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop," "A Woman's Will,"
+etc.
+
+With four full page illustrations.
+
+12mo. Decorated cloth, $1.50.
+
+This very clever and original story by the creator of "Susan Clegg" will
+add materially to her reputation as a writer of popular fiction. "Aunt
+Mary" and her adventures in New York are simply delicious; and her
+nephew, Jack, and his college friends, who personally conduct her
+through the metropolis, are brimful of brightness and humor. A pretty
+love story runs through the book. "Aunt Mary's" magazine debut delighted
+thousands of readers, and the publication of the story in a more
+permanent form, with new chapters, and scenes, will increase her
+popularity.
+
+Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists,
+who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years.--_Brooklyn
+Eagle_.
+
+Anne Warner is not only a funmaker but adds to that the quality of
+sympathy with her characters.--_Public Opinion_.
+
+LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON
+
+_At all Booksellers'_
+
+
+
+
+_An International Love Comedy_
+
+A WOMAN'S WILL
+
+By ANNE WARNER
+
+Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."
+
+It is a relief to take up a volume so absolutely free from
+stressfulness. The love-making is passionate, the humor of much of the
+conversation is thoroughly delightful. The book is as refreshing a bit
+of fiction as one often finds; there is not a dull page in
+it.--_Providence Journal_.
+
+It is bright, charming, and intense as it describes the wooing of a
+young American widow on the European Continent by a German musical
+genius.--_San Francisco Chronicle_.
+
+A deliciously funny book.--_Chicago Tribune_.
+
+There is a laugh on nearly every page.--_New York Times_.
+
+Most decidedly an unusual story. The dialogue is nothing if not
+original, and the characters are very unique. There is something
+striking on every page of the book.--_Newark Advertiser_.
+
+A more vivacious light novel could not be found.--_Chicago
+Record-Herald_.
+
+Illustrated by I. H. Caliga. 360 pages. 12mo.
+
+Decorated cloth, $1.50.
+
+LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., Publishers, BOSTON
+
+_At all Booksellers'_
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22872.txt or 22872.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/8/7/22872/
+
+Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/22872.zip b/22872.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b7a08f8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22872.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..660be63
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #22872 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/22872)