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diff --git a/22872-h/22872-h.htm b/22872-h/22872-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..792361b --- /dev/null +++ b/22872-h/22872-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7887 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + visibility: hidden; + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + + + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Susan Clegg and a Man in the House + +Author: Anne Warner + +Illustrator: Alice Barber Stephens + +Release Date: October 3, 2007 [EBook #22872] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE *** + + + + +Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<p class="center"><img src="images/img01spine.jpg" width="83" height="500" alt="Book Spine" title="" /> +<img src="images/imgcover01.jpg" width="324" height="500" alt="Book Cover" title="Susan Clegg and a man in the house" /></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a name="gs01" id="gs01"></a> +<img src="images/gs01.jpg" width="500" height="792" alt=""'He is a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.'" Frontispiece (See page 21.)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">"'He is a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop.'" Frontispiece (See page <a href="#Page_21">21</a>.)</span> +</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> + + +<h1> Susan Clegg</h1> + <h1>And a Man in the House</h1> + +<h2>BY</h2> + <h2>ANNE WARNER</h2> + + +<p class="center"> Author of "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop,"<br /> + "A Woman's Will," "The Rejuvenation of<br /> + Aunt Mary," "Seeing France<br /> + with Uncle John," etc.</p> + + +<p class="center"> <i>Illustrated from Drawings by</i> + ALICE BARBER STEPHENS</p> + + +<p class="center"> Boston + Little, Brown, and Company + 1907</p> +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a></span> +<i>Copyright, 1906</i>, +<span class="smcap">By Katharine N. Birdsall</span></p> + +<p><i>Copyright, 1907</i>, +<span class="smcap">By The Butterick Company, Ltd.</span></p> + +<p><i>Copyright, 1907</i>, +<span class="smcap">By Little, Brown, and Company</span></p> + +<p><i>All rights reserved</i></p> + + +<p>Published October, 1907</p> + +<p>GRIFFITH-STILLINGS PRESS, BOSTON, MASS., U.S.A. +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span> +</p> + +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> + +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + + + + +<table summary="CONTENTS"> +<tr><th>CHAPTER</th> <th> </th> <th>PAGE</th></tr> + +<tr><td>I.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Man's Proposal</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>II.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Elijah Doxey and His Locked Box</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_20">20</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>III.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The First Issue of the Newspaper</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_32">32</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>IV.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Settling down after the Honeymoon</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_43">43</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>V.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Susan Clegg's Full Day</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_64">64</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>VI.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Editor's Advice Column</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_85">85</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>VII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Mrs. Macy and the Convention</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_98">98</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>VIII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Biennial</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>IX.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Far Eastern Tropics</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_128">128</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>X.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Evils of Delayed Decease</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_142">142</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XI.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Democratic Party</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_156">156</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Trials of Mrs. Macy</span> </td> <td><a href="#Page_168">168</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XIII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Monotony of Ministerial Monologues</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_200">200</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XIV.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Advisability of Newspaper Exposures</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_212">212</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XV.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Trial of a Sick Man in the House</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_223">223</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XVI.</td> <td><span class="smcap">The Beginning of the End</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_235">235</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XVII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">An Old-fashioned Fourth</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_251">251</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XVIII.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Celebrating Independence Day</span></td> <td><a href="#Page_261">261</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>XIX.</td> <td><span class="smcap">Exit the Man out of Susan Clegg's House </span></td> <td><a href="#Page_273">273</a></td></tr> + +</table><p> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span> +</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS" id="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS"></a>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> + + + +<table summary="ILLUSTRATIONS"> +<tr><td>"'<span class="smcap">He <i>is</i> a trouble, Mrs. Lathrop,</span>'"</td> +<td><i><a href="#gs01">Frontispiece</a></i></td></tr> + + <tr> <td> </td> <td>PAGE</td></tr> + +<tr><td>"'<span class="smcap">A lady come up, looked at my flag, +an' asked me if I was a delegate +or an alternative</span>'"</td> <td><a href="#gs02">119</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>"'<span class="smcap">Mrs. Macy was just about plum +paralyzed at <i>that</i></span>'"</td> <td><a href="#gs03">179</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>"'<span class="smcap">The bottom come out an' the duck +flew down the car</span>'" </td> <td><a href="#gs04">188</a></td></tr> +</table> + +<p> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span> +</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Susan_Clegg" id="Susan_Clegg"></a>Susan Clegg</h1> +<h1>And a Man in the House</h1> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I</h2> + +<p class="center">MAN'S PROPOSAL</p> + + +<p>Susan Clegg had dwelt alone ever +since her father's death. She had not +been unhappy in dwelling alone, although +she had been a good daughter as long as +she had a parent to live with. When the +parent departed, and indeed some few days +before his going, there had arisen a kind +of a question as to the possibility of a life-companion +for the daughter who must +inevitably be left orphaned and lonely +before long. The question had arisen in a +way highly characteristic of Miss Clegg and +had been disposed of in the same manner.<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span>The fact is that Miss Clegg had herself proposed +to four men and been refused four +times. Then her father had died, and, upon +the discovery that he was better endowed +with worldly wealth than folks had generally +supposed, all four had hastened to +bring a return suit at once. But Miss +Clegg had also had her mind altered by the +new discovery and refused them all. From +that time to this period of which I am about +to write there had never been any further +question in her mind as to the non-advisability +of having a man in the house.</p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> See "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."</p></div> + +<p>"As far as I can see," she said confidentially +to her friend, Mrs. Lathrop, who lived +next door, "men are not what they are +cracked up to be. There ain't but one +woman as looks happy in this whole community +and that's Mrs. Sperrit, an' she +looks so happy that at first glance she looks +full as much like a fool as anythin'. The +minister's wife don't look happy,—she +looks a deal more like somethin' a cat finds +an' lugs home for you to brush up,—an' +goodness knows Mrs. Fisher don't look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> +happy an' she ain't happy neither, for she +told me herself yesterday as since Mr. +Fisher had got this new idea of developin' +his chest with Japanese Jimmy Jig-songs, +an' takin' a cold plunge in the slop jar +every mornin', that life hadn't been worth +livin' for the wall paper in her room. She +ain't got no sympathy with chest developin' +an' Japanese jiggin' an' she says only to +think how proud she was to marry the +prize boy at school an' look at what's come +of it. She asked me if I hear about his +goin' to town the other day an' buyin' a +book on how to make your hair grow by +pullin' it out as fast as it comes in, an' then +gettin' on the train, an' gettin' to readin' +on to how to make your eyebrows grow by +pullin' them out, too, an' not noticin' that +they'd unhooked his car an' left it behind, +until it got too dark to read any further—"</p> + +<p>"Why, what—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, who +was the best of listeners, and never interjectional +except under the highest possible +pressure of curiosity.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + +<p>"There was n't nothin' for him to do +except to put his thumb in at the place +where the eyebrows was, an' get down out +of the car, an' then she told me, would you +believe that with her an' John Bunyan in +their second hour of chasin' around like a +pair of crazy cockroaches because he was n't +on the city train when he said he'd come, +he very calmly went up to a hotel an' took +a room for the night? An' she says that +ain't the worst of it whatever you may +think, for he was so interested in the book +that he wanted to keep right on readin', an' +as the light was too high an' he had n't +no way to lower it, he just highered himself +by puttin' a rockin'-chair (yes, Mrs. +Lathrop, a rockin'-chair!) on the center +table, an' there he sit rockin' an' readin' +until he felt to go to bed. She says, +would n't that drive a good wife right out +beside her own mind? To think of a man +like Mr. Fisher rockin' away all night on +top of a table an' never even gettin' a +scare. Why, she says you know an' I know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> +that if he'd been the husband of a poor +widow or the only father of a deserving +family, of course he'd have rocked off an' +goodness knows what, but bein' as he was +<i>her</i> husband with a nice life insurance an' +John Bunyan wild to go to college, he needs +must strike the one rocker in the world as is +hung true, an' land safe an' sound in her +sorrowin' arms the next mornin'! Oh +my, but she says, the shock she got! +They was so sure that somethin' had happened +to him that she an' John had planned +a little picnic trip to the city to leave word +with the police first an' visit the Zoölogical +Gardens after. Well, she says, maybe you +can judge of their feelin's when they was +waitin' all smiles an' sunshine for their +train, with a nice lunch done up under +John's arm, an' he got down from the other +train without no preparation a <i>tall</i>. She +said she done all she could under the circumstances, +for she burst out cryin' in +spite of herself, an' cryin' is somethin' as +always fits in handy anywhere, an' then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> +she says they had nothin' in the wide world +to do but to go home an' explain away the +hard-boiled eggs for dinner the best they +could. She says she hopes the Lord'll forgive +her for He knows better than she ever +will what she ever done to have Mr. Fisher +awarded to her as her just and lawful +punishment these last five and twenty +years; an', she says, will you only think +how awful easy, as long as he got on the +table of his own free will an' without her +even puttin' him up to it, it would have +been for him to of rocked off an' goodness +knows what. She says she is a Christian, +an' she don't wish even her husband any +ill wind, but she did frighten me, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' I wanted to speak out frank +an' open to you about it because a man in +the house <i>is</i> a man in the house, an' I want +to take men into very careful consideration +before I go a step further towards +lettin one have the right to darken my +doors whenever he comes home to bed an' +board—"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop quite jumped in her chair +at this startling finale to her neighbor's +talk and her little black eyes gleamed +brightly.</p> + +<p>"Bed and bo—" she cried.</p> + +<p>"He'll have father's room, if I take him, +of course," said Susan, "but I ain't sure +yet that I'll take him. You know all I +stood with father, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I don't +really know as I can stand any more sad +memories connected with that room. You +know how it was with Jathrop yourself, +too, an' how happy and peaceful life has +been since he lit out, an' I ain't sure that—My +heavens alive! I forgot to tell you that +Mr. Dill thought he saw Jathrop in the +city when he was up there yesterday!"</p> + +<p>"Saw Ja—" screamed Mrs. Lathrop. +Jathrop was her son who had fled from the +town some years before, his departure +being marked by peculiarly harrowing circumstances, +and of whom or from whom +she had never heard one word since.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dill was n't sure," said Susan; "he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> +said the more he thought about it the more +sure he was that he was n 't sure a <i>tall</i>. He +saw the man in a seed-office where he went +to buy some seed, an' he said if it <i>was</i> +Jathrop he's took another name because +another name was on the office door. He +said what made him think as it was Jathrop +was he jumped so when he see Mr. Dill. +Mr. Dill said he was helpin' himself out of +a box of cigars an' his own idea was as he +jumped because they was n't his cigars. +Jathrop give Mr. Dill one cigar an' when +he thanked him he said, 'Don't mention it,' +an' to my order of thinkin' that proves as +they was n't his cigars, for if they was his +cigars why under heaven should he have +minded Mr. Dill's mentionin' it? Mr. Dill +said another reason as made him think as it +was Jathrop was as he never asked about +you,—but then if he was n't Jathrop he +naturally would n't have asked about you +either. Mr. Dill said he was n't sure, Mr. +Dill said he was n't a bit sure, Mr. Dill +said it was really all a mystery to him, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> +two things he <i>could</i> swear to, an' one of +those was as this man is a full head +taller than Jathrop an' the other was as +he's a Swede, so I guess it's pretty safe not +to be him."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop collapsed limply. Susan +went on with her tale as calmly as ever.</p> + +<p>"You see, Mrs. Lathrop, it's like this. I +told Mr. Kimball I'd think it over an' consult +you before I give him any answer a +<i>tall</i>. I could see he did n't want to give +me time to think it over or to consult you +for fear I'd change my mind, but when +you ain't made up your mind, changin' it +is easy, an' I never was one to hurry myself +an' I won't begin now. Hurryin' leads +to swallowin' fish-bones an' tearin' yourself +on nails an' a many other things as makes +me mad, an' I won't hurry now an' I won't +hurry never. I shall take my own time, +an' take my own time about takin' it, too, +an' Mr. Kimball nor no other man need n't +think he can ask me things as is more likely +to change my whole life than not to change<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> +it, an' suppose I'm goin' to answer him like +it was n't no greater matter than a sparrow +hoppin' his tail around on a fence. I +ain't no sparrow nor no spring chicken +neither an' I don't intend to decide my +affairs jumpin' about in a hurry, no, not +even if you was advisin' me the same as +Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know +how much I think of your advice even if +you have yet to give me the first piece as +I can see my way to usin', for I will say this +for your advice, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is +that advice as is easier left untook than +yours is, never yet was given."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop opened her mouth in a +feeble attempt to rally her forces, but long +before they were rallied Susan was off +again:</p> + +<p>"I don't know, I'm sure, whether what +I said to Mr. Kimball in the end was wise +or not. I did n't say right out as I would, +but I said I would maybe for a little while. +I thought a little while would give me the +inside track of what a long while would be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> +pretty sure to mean. I don't know as it +was a good thing to do but it's done now, +so help me Heaven; an' if I can't stand +him I always stand by my word, so he'll +get three months' board anyhow an' I'll +learn a little of what it would mean to +have a man in the house."</p> + +<p>"A man in—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, recovering +herself sufficiently to illustrate her +mental attitude by what in her case always +answered the purposes of a start.</p> + +<p>"That's what I said," said Susan, "an' +havin' said it Mr. Kimball can rely on +Elijah Doxey's bein' sure to get it now."</p> + +<p>"Eli—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, again upheaved.</p> + +<p>"Elijah Doxey," repeated Susan. +"That's his name. I ain't surprised over +your bein' surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, 'cause +I was all dumb did up myself at first. I +never was more dumb or more did up since +I was a baby, but after the way as Mr. +Kimball sprung shock after shock on me +last night I got so paralyzed in the end +that his name cut very little figger beside<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> +our havin' a newspaper of our own, right +here in our midst, an' me havin' the editor +to board an' him bein' Mr. Kimball's +nephew, an' Mr. Kimball havin' a nephew +as was a editor, an' Mr. Kimball's never +havin' seen fit to mention the fact to any +of us in all these many years as we've been +friends on an' off an' us always buyin' +from him whenever we was n't more friends +with Mr. Dill."</p> + +<p>"I nev—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, nor no one else ever heard of him +neither. The first of it all was when he +came up last night to see would I board +him, an' of course when I understood as it +was me as was goin' to have to take him +in I never rested till I knowed hide an' +hair of who I was to take in down to the +last button on Job's coat."</p> + +<p>"And wh—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'll tell you all I found out myself; +an' I tell you I worked hard findin' +it out too, for Mr. Kimball is no windmill +to pump when it comes to where he gets<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> +relations from. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as +he had a sister though as married a Doxey +an' that's the why of Elijah Doxey. Seems +Elijah is so smart that he'll be offered a +place on one of the biggest city papers in +a little while, but in the mean time he's +just lost the place that he did have on one +of the smallest ones an', as a consequence, +his mother thought he'd better spend this +summer in the country an' so sent him up +to Mr. Kimball. Mr. Kimball said he really +did n't sense all it meant at first when +Elijah arrived at noon yesterday but he +said he had n't talked with him long afore +he see as this was our big chance 'cause +the paper as Elijah was on paid him off +with a old printin' press, an' Mr. Kimball +says, if we back him up, we can begin +right now to have a paper of our own an' +easy get to be what they call a 'state issue.' +It's easy seen as Mr. Kimball is all ready to +be a state issue; he says the printin' press +is a four horse-power an' he's sure as he +can arrange for Hiram Mullins to work the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> +wringer the day he goes to press. Mr. +Kimball says he's positive that Hiram 'll +regard it as nothin' but child's play to +wring off his grocery bill that way. I don't +know what Gran'ma Mullins will say to +that—or Lucy either for that matter—but +Mr. Kimball's so sure that he knows +best that I see it was n't no time to pull +Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy in by the ears. +Mr. Kimball says he's been turnin' it over +in his mind's eye ever since yesterday when +he first see Elijah. He says Elijah is just +mad with ideas an' says he 's willin' to +make us known far an' wide if we'll only +give him a chance. Mr. Kimball says we +all ought to feel ready to admit that it's +time we was more than a quarter of a +column a week in the <i>Meadville Mixture</i>. +He says the <i>Meadville Mixture</i> ain't never +been fair to us an' Judge Fitch says it +ain't got right views as to its foreign policy. +Mr. Kimball says that after Elijah went +back to town yesterday afternoon he went +up to Judge Fitch's office an' Judge Fitch<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> +said if we had a paper of our own he'd be +more than willin' to write a editorial occasionally +himself, a editorial as would open +the president's eyes to the true hiddenness +of things, an' set the German emperor to +thinkin', an' give the czar some insight +into what America knows about <i>him</i>.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Kimball says this is the day of +consolidation an' if we had a paper the +Cherry Ponders an' all the Clightville +people'd naturally join in an' take it too. +He says he's figured that if he can start +out with a hundred paid-up subscribers of +a dollar each he can make a go of it. He +says Elijah says set him up the press an' +<i>he</i> don't ask no better fun than to live on +bread an' water while he jumps from peak +to peak of fame, but Mr. Kimball says +Elijah's young an' limber an' he shall want +the paid-up subscriptions himself afore he +begins to transport a printin' press around +the country.</p> + +<p>"I told him he could count on you an' +me takin' one between us before I knowed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> +what was really the main object of his +visit, an' then when he come out with +what <i>was</i> the main object of his visit, an' +when I sensed what he was after I must +say I considered as he should have made +that his first word an' give me my paper +for nothin',—seein' as the whole of the thing +is got to rest right on me, for I don't know +what <i>is</i> the bottom of a newspaper if it +ain't the woman as boards the editor. +Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that's my view in a +nutshell, the more so as Mr. Kimball +openly says as Elijah Doxey says he's a +genius an' can't live in any house where +there's other folks or any noise but his +own. Mr. Kimball said it seemed as if a +good angel had made me for the town to +turn to in its bitter need an' that it was +on me as the new newspaper would have +to build its reputation in its first sore +strait; an' he said too as he would in confidence +remark as my influence on Elijah's +ideas would be what he should be really +lookin' to to make the paper a success, for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> +he says as Elijah is very young an' will +be wax in my hands an' I can mold him +an' public opinion right along together. +He said he really did n't look for him to be +any great trouble to feed because he'd be +out pickin' up items most of the time, an' +then too, he says he can always give him +a handful of his new brand of dried apples +as is advertised to be most puffin' an' +fillin'; why, do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, +he told me as he'd developed the process +now to where if you eat two small pieces +you feel like you never wanted another +Thanksgivin' dinner as long as you live."</p> + +<p>"And so—" asked Mrs. Lathrop eagerly, +Susan pausing an instant for breath just +here.</p> + +<p>"Well, in the end I said I would, for +three months. I don't know as I was +wise, but I thought it was maybe my duty +for three months. I'm tired of seein' the +Clightville folks called 'Glimpses' an' us +called 'Dabs' in that <i>Meadville Mixture</i>, +an' last week you remember how they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> +spelt it wrong an' called us 'Dubs,' which +is far from my idea of politeness. It was +being mad over that as much as anythin' +that made me up an' tell Mr. Kimball as +I'd take Elijah an' take care of him an' +look to do what I could to make the paper +a success for three months. I told him +as it was trustin' in the dark, for Elijah +was a unknown quantity to me an' I never +did like the idea of a man around my nice, +clean house, but I said if he'd name the +Meadville items the 'Mud Spatters' an' so +get even for our feelin's last week I'd do +my part by feedin' him an' makin' up his +bed mornin's. Mr. Kimball said I showed +as my heart an' my brains was both in the +right place, an' then he got up an' shook +hands an' told me as he would in confidence +remark as he expected to make a very good +thing all round for he was gettin' the +printin' press awful cheap and Elijah likewise."</p> + +<p>"When—?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Next Wednesday. Elijah's comin' up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> +freight with the printin' press. Mr. Kimball +says he suggested that himself. He +says it cuts two birds with one knife for it +makes it look as if the printin' press was +extra fine instead of second-hand, an' it +gets Elijah here for nothin'."</p> + +<p>"Dear—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I would, too," said Miss Clegg, "only +you see I have n't got time. I ought not +to be here now. I ought to be over gettin' +his room ready an' takin' out the little +comforts. As far as my order of thinkin' +goes, little comforts is lost on men, Mrs. +Lathrop, they always trip over them an' +smash them in the dark."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II</h2> + +<p class="center">ELIJAH DOXEY AND HIS LOCKED BOX</p> + + +<p>"Well," suggested Mrs. Lathrop one +pleasant Saturday morning, a few +days later, when she and her friend met +at the fence. Miss Clegg looked slightly +fretted and more than slightly warm, for +she had been giving her garden an uncommonly +vigorous weeding on account of an +uncommonly vigorous shower which had +fallen the afternoon before. The weeding +had been so strenuous that Miss Clegg was +quite disposed to stop and rest, and as she +joined her neighbor and read the keen +interest that never failed to glow in the +latter's eyes, her own expression softened +slightly and she took up her end of the +conversation with her customary capability +at giving forth.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I don't know," she began, "an' Mr. +Kimball don't know either. Elijah was +tellin' me all about it last night. He <i>is</i> a +trouble, Mrs. Lathrop, but I don't know +but what it pays to have a man around +when you can have them to talk to like +I have him. Of course a new broom +sweeps clean an' I've no intention of supposin' +that Elijah will ever keep on coverin' +his soap an' scrapin' his feet long, but +so far so good, an' last night it was real +pleasant to hear the rain an' him together +tellin' how much trouble they're havin', +owin' to Hiram's bein' too energetic +wringin' the handle of the printin' press +an' then to think as when he was all done +talkin' it would be him an' not me as in +common decency would have to go out in +the wet to padlock the chickens. Seems, +Mrs. Lathrop, as they're really havin' no +end o' trouble over the new paper an' +Elijah's real put out. He says Hiram had +a idea as the more the speed the better +the paper an' was just wringin' for dear<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> +life, an' the first thing he knew the first +issue begin to slide a little cornerways an' +slid off into a crank as Elijah never knowed +was there, an' him an' Mr. Kimball spent +the whole of yesterday runnin' around like +mad an' no way to fix it. As a consequence +Elijah's very much afraid as +there'll be no paper this week an' it's too +bad, for every one is in town spendin' the +day an' waitin' to take it home with them. +Young Dr. Brown is goin' to feel just +awful 'cause he'd bought twenty-five +papers to mail to all his college class. +There was goin' to be a item about him, +an' Mrs. Brown says it was goin' to be a +good one for she fed Elijah mince pie while +he made his notes for it an' had Amelia +play on her guitar, too."</p> + +<p>"What do you—?" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I can't say as I really know <i>what</i> +to think of him just yet. I never see such +a young man afore. He has some very +curious ways, Mrs. Lathrop, ways as make +me feel that I can't tell you positively<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> +what I do think. Now yesterday was the +first day as I knowed he'd be gone for +long, so I took it to go through all his +things, an' do you know, away down at +the bottom of one of his trunks I found a +box as was locked an' no key anywhere. +Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I hunted, an' I hunted, +an' I hunted, an' I couldn't find that key +a <i>tall</i>. I never had any thin' of that kind +in my house afore an' of course I ain't +goin' to give up without a good deal more +lookin', but if I can't find that key it'll +prove beyond a shadow of a doubt as +Elijah Doxey ain't of a trustin' nature an' +if that's true I don't know how I ever +<i>will</i> be able to get along with him. A +trustin' nature is one thing to have around +an' a distrustin' nature is another thing, +an' I can tell you that there's somethin' +about feelin' as you ain't trusted as makes +me take my hands right out of my bread +dough an' go straight upstairs to begin +lookin' for that key again. The more I +hunt the wilder I get, for it's a very small<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> +box for a man to keep locked, an' it ain't +his money or jewelry for it don't rattle +when you shake it. It's too bad for me +to feel so because in most other ways he's +a very nice young man, although I will say +as sunset is midnight compared to his hair."</p> + +<p>"Do—" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Then too, he said yesterday," Miss +Clegg continued, "as he wanted it distinctly +understood as his things was never +to be touched by no one an' I told him as +he could freely an' frankly rely on me. +Now that's goin' to make it a great deal +more work to hunt for that key from now +on. An' I don't like to have it made any +harder work to find a thing, as I have n't +found yet a <i>tall</i>."</p> + +<p>"Wh—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Not me," said Miss Clegg; "I ain't got +any give-up in me. I'll keep on until I +find it if I have to board Elijah Doxey till +he dies or till I drop dead in my huntin' +tracks. But I can see that my feelin' +towards him is n't goin' to be what it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> +might of been if he'd been frank an' open +with me as I am with him an' every one +else. He seems so frank an' open, too—in +other ways than that box. He read his +editorial aloud night afore last an' I must +say it showed a real good disposition for +he even wished the president well although +he said as he knowed he was sometimes +goin' to be obliged to maybe be a little +bit hard on him. He said as plain speakin' +an' to the purpose 'd be the very breath +an' blast of the <i>Megaphone</i> an' he should +found it on truth, honor an' the great +American people, an' carry Judge Fitch +to congress on them lines. I thought as +Judge Fitch would object to goin' to congress +on any lines after all he's said about +what he thought of congress in public, +but Elijah says a new paper must have a +standard, an' he asked Judge Fitch if he +minded being nailed to ours, an' the judge +said he did n't mind nothin' these degenerate +days, so Elijah just up with him."</p> + +<p>"Did you—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> + +<p>"See Mrs. Macy?—yes, I see her in the +square yesterday noon. She was just back +from Meadville. She says the editor of +the <i>Meadville Mixture</i> is awful bitter +over our havin' a paper of our own, an' +says he'll cross tinfoils with Elijah any +day. I told Elijah what she said last night, +but Elijah did n't mind. I hoped tellin' +him'd take his appetite away, but he ate +eleven biscuits just the same. That reminds +me as he's comin' home to dinner +to-day, an' I ought to be goin' in."</p> + +<p>"Goo—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>—"But I'll come over after he goes an' +tell you how the paper's comin' out," Susan +added, as she turned from the fence; +and as she was always true to her promises +she did come over to Mrs. Lathrop's kitchen +after dinner, wearing a clean apron and a +new expression—an expression of mixed +doubt and displeasure.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop hurried to give her a chair +and make her welcome, and then took a +chair herself and sat at attention.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<p>Susan began at once.</p> + +<p>"Well," she said, "it's a good thing as +the Fishers are thinkin' some of sendin' +John Bunyan to college, for he's surely a +sight too smart for this town."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes in wide +surprise, as it was certainly not about John +Bunyan that she had expected to hear tales.</p> + +<p>"Elijah says as John Bunyan made +them all feel pretty cheap down at the +printin' press this mornin'," Miss Clegg +went on: "seems the whole community +was squeezin' into the back of Mr. Kimball's +store to see what under the sun +could be done to get the first paper out of +the press, when all of a sudden John Bunyan +spoke up an' asked why they did n't +turn the handle backward an' empty the +whole muss out that way. Well, every +one see the sense of what he said right off, +an' so they began, an' as soon as they +began to turn the crank backward the +paper began to come out backward, tore, +of course, but as nice as pie.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, Elijah says he most thought his +uncle was goin' to take his job as editor +away and give it to John Bunyan right off, +he was so pleased. But Mr. Kimball ain't +the sort of uncle as Elijah so far supposes +himself to of got, an' he only give John +Bunyan fifty cents' worth of soda water +tickets, an' they're to work to-night (if +Lucy'll let Hiram), an' have the paper +ready for church to-morrow. The Jilkins +an' Sperrits was a little disapp'inted 'cause +they was n't comin' in to church, countin' +on stayin' home an' readin' the paper all +day instead, but Elijah's goin' to put in a +late column of late news an' give 'em their +money's worth that way. Mr. Kimball +had arranged to have one whole column of +Ks to draw attention to his dried apples, +an' he's goin' to give it up for the occasion +an' let Elijah write a Extra about the cause +of the delay, for that's really all the late +news there is. Then, too, Elijah's goin' to +have a joke about the paper's comin' in +among us like a man goes into politics,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> +kind of slidin' an' turnin' this way an' +that, an' I must say I begin to find some +of Elijah's ideas pretty bright. But my +mind's taken a new turn on his subjeck +from what he said at dinner, an' I will +admit, Mrs. Lathrop, as I see now as I +misjudged him in one way, for he come +an' asked me while I was washin' up if I +knowed any way to open a locked box +without a key, for he could n't find the key +to his flute box nowhere, an' when he was +a little nervous nights he always wore it +off practisin' on his flute. Well, Mrs. +Lathrop, you can maybe imagine as learnin' +as there was a flute in that box an' +the key lost, an' him in the habit of playin' +that flute nights, altered my views more 'n +a little, an' I can tell you that I had to +think pretty fast afore answerin' him. +While I was thinkin' he said he had n't +played since he was here, an' he was gettin' +so wild to play he thought the best +way would be to maybe pry the lock open. +I see then as I'd got to come out firm an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> +I said I'd never consent to no young man +in my house, spoilin' a good box like that +an' maybe a fine flute too, just because he +had n't got a little patience. He said I +was right about its being a fine flute, an' +he was just achin' to hear it an' blow it. +I told him to let me hunt an' maybe I'd +find the key, an' so he went off some +soothed, an' now the Lord have mercy on +you an' me, for Elijah Doxey never will +from this day on. Will you only think +of him bein' nervous an' playin' nights! +It'll be worse than a tree-toad an' you +know what a tree-toad is, Mrs. Lathrop,—I +declare to goodness if Elijah acts like a +tree-toad he'll drive me stark, ravin' mad."</p> + +<p>"Ca—" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I don't see how I can," said Miss Clegg, +dubiously. "I shall do my best, but, oh +my, a young man as is a editor an' has +red hair an' a flute is awful uncertain to +count on. I almost wish I had n't took +him."</p> + +<p>"Why—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I can't now," said Miss Clegg, "the +arrangements of this world is dreadful hard +on women. It's very easy to take a man +into your house but once a woman has done +it an' the man's settled, nobody but a +undertaker can get him out in any way as +is respectable accordin' to my order of +thinkin'."</p> + +<p>"But you—" suggested Mrs. Lathrop, +comfortingly.</p> + +<p>"I know, but even three months is a +long time," said Miss Clegg, "an' he's +begun to leave his soap uncovered already, +an' oh my heavens alive, how am I ever +goin' to stand that flute!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III</h2> + +<p class="center">THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE NEWSPAPER</p> + + +<p>"I'll tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop," said +Miss Clegg the next Monday afternoon, +"I ain't goin' to stay here so late but +what I go home in time to make Elijah +something hot an' comfortin' for supper +to-night. I ain't any one to take sides, +but I will say that my heart has gone out +to that poor young man ever since I was +down in the square this mornin'. I felt to +be real glad as he'd took to-day to go +up to the city, for I must say I'd of felt +more'n a little sorry for him if he'd heard +folks expressin' their opinion about his first +paper."</p> + +<p>"Did he—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, he went to-day," said Miss Clegg. +"He went on the early train an' one of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> +joys of havin' a man in the house was as I +had to be up bright an' early to get him +his breakfast. I must say I never thought +about his wantin' early breakfast when I +agreed to take him, but I'm not one to +refuse to feed even a editor, so I cooked +him cakes just the same as I would any +one else."</p> + +<p>"Why—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I guess maybe he heard things +yesterday as made him feel as it'd be just +as well to let folks have time to sizzle down +some afore they looked on his bright an' +shinin' face again. I tell you what, Mrs. +Lathrop, I can see as runnin' a newspaper +ain't an easy thing an' the town is really +so up in arms to-day, that I really would +of made waffles for Elijah to eat instead of +just plain cakes, if I'd knowed when he got +up how mad every one was at him. I can +see since I've been down town to-day as +the square was n't likely to have been no +bed of roses for him yesterday. The whole +community is mad as hornets over the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> +paper. Why, I never see folks so mad +over nothin' before. Nobody likes his puttin' +his own name right under the paper's, +an' Dr. Brown says the editor belongs on +the inside, anyhow. Dr. Brown's most +<i>awful</i> mad 'cause Elijah's put his item +right in with the advertisement of Lydia +Finkham, an' he says he ain't nothin' as +pretends to cure anythin' or everybody. +He says he's a regular doctor as you have +to take regular chances with an' he feels +like suin' Elijah for slander. Gran'ma +Mullins is mad, too, 'cause she was put in +the personals an' Elijah went an' called +her the 'Nestor of the crick,' without +never so much as askin' by her leave. She +says she ain't never done nothin' with the +crick, an' if she ever nested anywhere it +was in her own owned an' mortgaged +house. Hiram says he'll punch Elijah if +he ever refers to his mother's nestin' again, +an' I guess Hiram feels kind of sore over +Elijah's talkin' of his mother's nestin' when +all the town knows how much he wishes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> +as Lucy'd settle down and nest awhile +instead of keepin' 'em all so everlastin'ly +churned up. Mrs. Macy told me this +mornin' as Lucy's whitewashin' the garret +this week; she see the brush goin' 'round +an' 'round the window on her side—she +says it makes her bones ache just to live +next door to Lucy's ways. She says +they're so different from Gran'ma Mullins' +ways. Gran'ma Mullins had n't had no +whitewashin' done in twenty years—not +since she rented the cottage of father. +That's true an' I know it's true too because +she's been askin' an' askin' me to have it +done an' I said not by no means—so +she's left off."</p> + +<p>"Did—?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"The Jilkinses is real mad over the paper, +too," Susan continued. "Seems as Elijah +went an' called 'em the 'Chirpy Cherry +Ponders,' an' Mrs. Jilkins says where he +got the idea as either of 'em ever chirped +in their lives she cannot conceive, for Mr. +Jilkins ain't so much as peeped a good<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +part of the time since they were married +an' she says as for being chirpy, <i>she</i> looks +upon the word as city slang. But Judge +Fitch is about the maddest of all! I +did n't read what Elijah said about him +but every one else did, an' he says he was +willin' to run for congress for the good of +his country, but to put him up in a editorial +as says he'll be proud to come back +from Washington as poor as he goes there, +is a very poor way to put heart into any +man's contest. He says if he's got to come +back from Washington as poor as he goes +he can't see no good an' sufficient reason +for goin' a <i>tall</i>, for he won't gain nothin' +an' will be out his car fare there an' back. +He says he never heard of no one comin' +back from Washington as poor as they +went before, an' it was a thing as he supposed +could n't be done till he found Elijah +had booked him to do it. He says if that's +what he's to up an' teach his country, he +don't thank Elijah for advertisin' him as +any such novelty an' he says he won't go<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> +to congress on any such terms—not while +he knows himself. Mr. Kimball told me +as he spoke to Elijah about it yesterday, +an' Elijah said to him as it would be a +strong plank for Judge Fitch to stand on +in the middle of his platform, but Judge +Fitch told Mr. Kimball as he could just +tell his nephew frank an' open as that one +plank in his platform had better be weak +an' he'd take care to remember to step +over it every time. He said he was just +waitin' for a good chance to tell Elijah his +opinion of him right to his face, an' he said +as he should give him to understand as +after this he must submit all other planks +to <i>him</i> afore he printed 'em. Mr. Kimball +says that Judge Fitch said good gracious +him, there would n't be no knowin' what +he'd have to live up to next, if Elijah +was n't reined in tighter. Judge Fitch +says the old way is good enough for him +when he goes to Washington.</p> + +<p>"But that ain't all the trouble there is. +Mr. Fisher feels very much hurt at Elijah's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> +writin' any editorial without consultin' him +first. He says he told him as he could +have give him a motto out of Shakespeare +about layin' on an' dammin' as would have +put life in the campaign right off at the +beginnin'; an' then there's Mrs. Macy as +thinks he was awful mean to call her one +as carries weight anywhere; I'm sure I +wish Elijah had let Mrs. Macy alone for +she's worse than hornets over that remark +of his. She says maybe Elijah'll go over +two hundred an' fifty hisself some day, an' +if he does he'll know as it's no joke. She +bu'st her rocker last night when she read +what he said about her, an' she says bu'stin' +a rocker ought to show better than any +words how mad it made her. My, she +says, but she was mad! I told Elijah +when he was gettin' up the paper as he'd +better never say nothin' about nobody in +it, but Elijah can't help being a man an' +very like all men in consequence, an' he said +as a paper was n't nothin' without personal +items, an' he thought folks would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> +enjoy being dished up tart an' spicy. I +told him my views was altogether different. +'Elijah Doxey,' I says, 'you dish Meadville +up tart an' spicy an' we'll all feel to enjoy, +but you leave folks here alone.' But he +didn't mind me an' now he's got a lesson +as will maybe teach him to leave the armchairs +of folks as is payin' for his paper +unbu'sted henceforth."</p> + +<p>"Now—?" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, we get along pretty well," said +Susan; "a man's a man, an' of course any +house always is pleasanter without one in +it, but I guess if you have to have one +around Elijah's about as little bother as +you could ask. I'm teachin' him to be +real orderly in a hurry just by puttin' his +things where he couldn't possibly find 'em +if he leaves 'em layin' around. You always +can manage pleasantly if you're smart, an' +I'm smart. If he don't empty his basin, +I don't fill his pitcher; if he's late to meals, +I eat up all as is hot;—oh! there's lots of +ways of gettin' along, an' I try 'em all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> +turn an' turn about. If one don't work +another is sure to, an' if he ever does have +a wife it won't be my fault—I know that.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Kimball asked me this mornin' +what I thought of him anyhow. Mr. +Kimball says as Elijah says as he personally +thinks this year is sent to fit him for +suthin' demandin' backbone, an' so he'd +ought to be resigned to anythin'. That +didn't sound just polite to me to my order +of thinkin' an' Gran'ma Mullins come back +just then an' broke in an' said if Elijah +was resigned she wasn't, an' she hoped +he'd never come her way any more when +he was out pickin' up items."</p> + +<p>"Is any one—" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I don't know," said Miss Clegg, "I +don't believe so. Even the minister is +mad; I met him comin' home an' I +couldn't see what he had to complain of, +for I didn't remember there bein' a single +word about him in the whole paper. Come +to find out he was all used up 'cause there +<i>wasn't</i> nothin' about him in it. He told<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> +me in confidence as he never got such a +shock in all his life. He says he read the +paper over nine times afore he was able to +sense it, an' he says his last sermon was on +hidin' your light under a bushel basket an' +he had a copy all ready if Elijah had only +come for it. He says he shall preach next +Sunday on cryin' out unto you to get up, +an' he shall take a copy to Elijah himself. +I cheered him up all I could. I told him +as a sermon preached on Sunday was n't +likely to be no great novelty to no one on +the Saturday after, but I'd see that he got +it back all safe if Elijah throwed it into his +scrap-basket. That seems to be the big +part of bein' a editor—the throwin' things +in his scrap-basket. Elijah's scrap-basket +is far from bein' the joy of my life for he +tears everythin' just the same way an' it +makes it a long, hard job to piece 'em +together again. Some days I don't get +time an' then I <i>do</i> get so aggravated."</p> + +<p>"Have you ever—" asked Mrs. Lathrop +with real interest.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Not yet, but he ain't got really started +yet. It's when the paper gets to Meadville +an' Meadville begins to write him +back what they think about what he thinks +of them, that that scrap-basket will be +interestin'! I guess I'll go home now an' +make biscuits for supper. He was comin' +back on the five-o'clock train. Poor Elijah, +he'll have a hard day to-morrow but it'll +do him good. Men never have to clean +house, so the Lord has to discipline their +souls any way he can, I suppose, an' to +my order o' thinkin' this runnin' a newspaper +is goin' to send Elijah a long ways +upwards on his heavenly journey."</p> + +<p>"Does—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, rising +heavily to bid her friend good-bye.</p> + +<p>"Most likely," said Susan; "at any rate +if he does n't have any appetite. I like 'em +myself."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV</h2> + +<p class="center">SETTLING DOWN AFTER THE HONEYMOON</p> + + +<p>Miss Clegg and Mrs. Lathrop were +sitting on the latter's steps about +five o'clock one Sunday afternoon when +Elijah Doxey came out of the former's +house and walked away down town.</p> + +<p>"I wond—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I don't believe it," said Miss Clegg; "I +know the way you look at it, Mrs. Lathrop, +but <i>I</i> don't believe it. All the girls +is after him but that ain't surprisin' for +girls are made to be after somethin' at +that age an' there's almost nothin' for +them to run down in this community. +We're very short of men to marry, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' what men we have got ain't +tall enough yet to do it, but still, it ain't +no reason why Elijah should be in love<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> +just because 'Liza Em'ly and all the other +girls is in love with him. To my order o' +thinkin' two sets of people have got to love +to make a marriage, an' 'Liza Em'ly ain't +but one. An' I don't know as I want +Elijah to be in love, anyhow—not while +he lives in my house. It might lead to +his eatin' less but it would surely lead to +his playin' the flute more, an' that flute +is all I can stand now. He won't marry +if I can help it, I know <i>that</i>, an' I keep his +eagerness down by talkin' to him about +Hiram Mullins all I can, an' surely Hiram +is enough to keep any man from soarin' +into marriage if he can just manage to +hop along single an' in peace."</p> + +<p>"Have you—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, +interestedly.</p> + +<p>"Well, I should say I had—an' it's +fresh on my mind, too. It was yesterday +an' I see 'em both. Lucy come in the +mornin' an' Gran'ma Mullins in the afternoon. +I'd like to of had Hiram come in +the evenin' an' tell his end, but Hiram<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> +don't dare say a word to no man nowadays. +As far as my observation's extended +a man as lives steady with two +women gets very meek as to even men. +Hiram's learned as his long suit is to keep +still an' saw wood when he ain't choppin' +it."</p> + +<p>"What did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, Lucy come up right after market +an' she said the reason she come was because +she'd just got to talk or bu'st, an' +she was n't anxious to bu'st yet awhile."</p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, just the usual tale as any one could +o' foreseen if they went an' married Hiram +Mullins. Any one might of easy knowed +as Lucy Dill could n't no more enjoy +Hiram Mullins than a cat could enjoy +swimmin' lessons, but she <i>would</i> have him, +an' she <i>had</i> to have him, an' now she's got +him—so help her eternity to come."</p> + +<p>"Did she—" questioned Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No," said Miss Clegg, "she ain't been +married quite long enough for that yet;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> +she's only been married long enough to +come out strong an' bitter as to blamin' +Gran'ma Mullins. I will say this for Lucy, +Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that a fairer thing +than blamin' Gran'ma Mullins for Hiram +could n't be expected of whoever married +Hiram, for it stands to reason as no one +as had brains could marry Hiram an' not +want to begin blamin' his mother five +minutes after. Gran'ma Mullins never did +seem able to look at Hiram with a impartial +eye, an' Lucy says as it beats all kind +of eyes the way she looks at him since he's +got married. Why, Lucy says it's most +made her lose faith in her Bible—the way +she feels about Gran'ma Mullins. She says +she's got a feelin' towards Gran'ma Mullins +as she never knowed could be in a woman. +She says she's come to where she just cannot +see what Ruth ever stuck to Naomi +for when the husband was dead an' Naomi +disposed to leave, too. She says if anythin' +was to happen to Hiram she'd never +be fool enough to hang onto Gran'ma<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> +Mullins. She sat down an' told me all +about their goin' to town last week. She +says she nigh to went mad. They started +to go to the city just for a day's shoppin' +an' she says it was up by the alarm clock at +four an' breakfast at six for fear of missin' +the nine-o'clock train an' then if Gran'ma +Mullins did n't lose her little black bead +bag with her weddin' ring an' the size of +Hiram's foot an' eighty-five cents in it, so +they could n't get him no bargain socks +after all! All they could do was to buy +the safety razor, an' when they got home +with that there was n't no blade in it, an' +they had to go way back to town next day. +Come to find out the blade was in the box +all the time, done up in the directions, only +Hiram never read the directions, 'cause he +said as it's a well-known fact as you can't +cut yourself with a safety razor whatever +you do.</p> + +<p>"Well, Lucy says it's for that sort of +doin's as she left her happy home an' her +razor-stroppin' father, an' she says the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> +billin' an' cooin' of Gran'ma Mullins over +Hiram is enough to make a wedded wife +sick. She says she would n't say it to no +one but me, an' I promised her never to +breathe it along any further, but she says +she's beginnin' to question as to how long +she's goin' to be able to stand it all. She +says will you believe that nights Gran'ma +Mullins is comin' in softly at all hours to +tuck up Hiram's feet, an' Lucy's forever +thinkin' she's either a rat or a robber or +else hittin' at her for Hiram himself. She +says as it's Heaven's own truth as Gran'ma +Mullins is warmin' his flannels every Saturday +to this day, an' that the tears stand +in her very eyes when Lucy won't help him +off with his boots."</p> + +<p>"I never—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, nor no one else. It's all Gran'ma +Mullins' foolishness. She begun to be foolish +when Hiram begun to know things. I +can remember when he used to run everywhere +behind her with a little whip, 'cause +he liked to play horse, an' although she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> +used to pretend that she let him 'cause it +kept the moths out of her clothes, still +every one knowed as it was just her spoilin' +of him. Now he's growed up spoiled an' +poor Lucy Dill's got the consequences to +suffer.</p> + +<p>"An' Lucy surely is sufferin'! She says +she ain't exactly discouraged, but it's +swimmin' up Niagara Falls to try an' break +either of 'em of their bad habits. She +says she has to look on at kisses until the +very thought of one makes her seasick, an' +she says to see Gran'ma Mullins listenin' to +Hiram singin' is enough to make any one +blush down to the very ground.</p> + +<p>"I cheered her all I could. I told her +as you can't make no sort of a purse out +of ears like Hiram's, an' that what can't +be cured has always got to be lived with +unless you're a man. She cried some, poor +thing, an' said her mother always used to +say as Hiram was cut out to make some +girl wish he was dead, but she said she +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>always thought as her mother was prejudiced. +She said Hiram had a sort of way +with him before he was married as was so +hopeful, an' he used to look at her an' sigh +till it just went all through her how happy +they'd be if they could only be together +all they wanted to be together. Well, you +c'n believe me or not, just as you please, +Mrs. Lathrop, but she says he ain't sighed +once—not once—since they was married, +an' as for bein' happy—well—she says +she's about give up hope. She don't want +folks to know, 'cause she says she's got +some pride, but she says there's no tellin' +how soon it'll run out if Gran'ma Mullins +keeps on huggin' Hiram, an' tellin' her how +perfect he is over his own head."</p> + +<p>"I don't—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I should say not," said Susan; +"but Hiram Mullins always was his +mother's white goose, an' the whole town +is a witness. My idea if I was Lucy would +be to shut right down solid on the whole +thing. I'd put a bolt on my door an' keep +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>Gran'ma Mullins an' her tuckin' tendencies +on the other side, an' if Hiram Mullins +did n't come to time I'd bolt him out, too, +an' if he was n't nice about it I'd get out +of the window an' go home to my father. +I guess Mr. Dill would be very glad to have +Lucy home again, for they say 'Liza +Em'ly's no great success keepin' house for +him. Some one told me as Mr. Dill was in +mortal fear as he was practically feedin' +the minister's whole family every time she +went home, an' that would be enough to +make any man, as had only his own self +to feed, want his own daughter back, I +should think.</p> + +<p>"There's Mrs. Macy as would be glad to +keep house for him if he 'd marry her first, +of course, but to my order of thinkin' Mr. +Dill don't want to marry Mrs. Macy near +as much as Mrs. Macy wants to marry Mr. +Dill. Mrs. Macy says he's pesterin' her to +death, an' Mr. Dill says if it's pesterin' to +speak when you're spoken to, he must buy +a new dictionary an' learn the new meanin' +of the words by heart. Between ourselves,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> +I guess Mr. Dill is learnin' the lesson of +wedded bliss from lookin' at Lucy an' rememberin' +her mother. Lucy ain't very +happy an' you know as well as I do what +Mrs. Dill was. Her husband won't marry +again in a hurry, an' he's smart if he don't, +for if Lucy ain't home in less 'n a year I'll +make you a tea cake."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, you ain't Lucy Dill," said her +friend. "If you was you'd be different. +Lucy says this being waked up by havin' +a hot flatiron slid in among your feet most +any time for no better reason than 'cause +his mother thought she heard Hiram sneeze, +is a game as can be played once too often. +I see her temper was on the rise so I struck +in, an' give her a little advice of my own, +an' as a result she says she's goin' to take +a strong upper hand to 'em both an' there +won't be no velvet glove on it neither. +She says she can see as it's do or die for +her now, an' she don't mean to be done nor +to die neither. She drank some tea as I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> +made strong on purpose, an' shook her +head hard an' went home, an' God help +Hiram if he hummed last night; an' as for +Gran'ma Mullins, Lucy said if she come +stealin' in to feel if Hiram was breathin' +reg'lar, she was going to get slapped for a +mosquito in a way as she'd long remember."</p> + +<p>"Dear me—" commented Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I did n't blame her," said Miss +Clegg. "Of course I did n't know as I +was going to hear the other side afore night +fell, but hearin' her side stirred me up so +that I give her my advice, an' my advice +was to put the bootjack under her pillow. +There ain't no sense in women sufferin' +any more, to my idea of thinkin'. It's a +good deal easier to go to bed with a bootjack, +an' I look to see Lucy really happy +or Hiram smashed flat soon in consequence."</p> + +<p>"But you—" said Mrs. Lathrop, wide-eyed.</p> + +<p>"I know, an' that did change my ideas.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> +Of course when I was talkin' to Lucy I +was n't expectin' to see Gran'ma Mullins +so soon, but I won't say but what I was +glad to see Gran'ma Mullins, too. It's a +most curious feelin', I d'n know as I ever +feel a curiouser than to hear both sides +of anythin' from the both sides themselves +right one after the other in the same day. +O' course I learned long ago to never take +any sides myself unless one of 'em was +mine; but I will say as I don't believe no +one could feel for others more 'n I do +when I hear folks shakin' their heads over +what as a general thing a person with +brains like mine knows is their own fault, +an' knowed was goin' to be their own +fault afore they ever even began to think +of doin' it.</p> + +<p>"Now there was Lucy Dill yesterday +forenoon mournin' 'cause Hiram is Hiram +an' his mother is his mother, an' then after +dinner there comes Gran'ma Mullins with +her bonnet strings an' her tears all streamin' +together, an' wants my sympathy 'cause<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> +Lucy herself is Lucy herself. Well, Mrs. +Lathrop, I can't but feel proud o' being +able to hold the reins so hard on my own +bit that I never up an' told either on 'em +the plain truth, which is as they was all +fools together to of ever looked for the weddin' +service to have changed any on 'em."</p> + +<p>"What did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I don't know as I'm prepared to say +what I think. To hear Lucy you'd think +<i>she</i> was surely the martyr, but to hear +Gran'ma Mullins you would n't be sure +after all. Gran'ma Mullins says after the +honeymoon is over every one expects to +settle down as a matter of course, an' she +would n't say a word against it only it's +Lucy is doin' all the settlin' an' poor Hiram +as is doin' all the down. She says it's +heartbreakin' to be a only mother an' +watch the way as Hiram is being everlastin'ly +downed. She says as we all remember +that bright an' happy weddin' +day<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a> an' how she downed her own feelin's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +an' waved rice after 'em just like everybody +else when they started off weddin'-trippin', +each with their own bag in his +own hand. But, oh, she says, the way +they come back! She says they come +back with Hiram carryin' both bags, an' +her heart sunk when she see 'em for she +says when she was married it was <i>her</i> as +come home carryin' both bags an' she says +it's one of the saddest straws as ever blows +a bride out. She says she never expected +much of her marriage 'cause she was engaged +on a April Fool's Day in Leap Year, +an' he give her an imitation opal for a +ring, but she says Hiram give Lucy a real +green emerald with a 18 an' a K inside it +an' he looked to be happy even with his +mother's tears mildewin' his pillow every +night that whole summer. She says no +one will ever know how hard she did try +to get sense into Hiram that summer afore +it was too late. She says she used to sit +up in tears an' wait for him to come home +from seein' Lucy, an' weep on his neck<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> +with her arms tight round him for two or +three hours afterwards every night, but +she says he never used to appreciate it. +An' she says what he needed to marry for, +anyway, Heaven only knows, with his +whole life laid pleasantly out to suit him, +an' a strong an' able-bodied mother ready +an' smilin' to hand him whatever he +wanted just as quick as he wanted it. An' +she says she never asked him to do nothin' +as she could possibly do herself an' the +way Lucy orders him about!—well, she +says it's beyond all belief. An' oh, but +she says it goes through her like a chained-up +bolt of lightnin' the voice Lucy speaks +to him in, an' she said she would n't have +no one know it for worlds but she says as +near as she can figger she hit him over the +head with a hairbrush night before last."</p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs."</p></div> + +<p>"With a—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast.</p> + +<p>"She says she ain't absolutely positive, +but they was a-chasin' a June bug in their +room together, an' she heard the smash an' +the next mornin' when she went in to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> +make Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy +(she says Lucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker) +she see the nick on the brush, an' +she says when she see the nick an' remembered +how hollow it rung, she knew as it +could n't possibly have been nothin' in +that room except Hiram's head. She says +if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush +now, Heaven only knows what she'll +be after him with in a year, for Gran'ma +Mullins' own husband went from a cake +of soap to a whole cheese in a fortnight +an' she says it's a well-known fact as when +a married man is once set a-goin' he lands +things faster an' faster. She says she +thinks about the andirons there, ready to +Lucy's hand, until she's scared white, an' +yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd +attract her to the water pitcher."</p> + +<p>"Did Mr.—" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly, +after several attempts to slide a +question-quoit in among Susan's game of +words.</p> + +<p>"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> +could n't understand what he did do with +them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just +as awful for he grated the whole cake o' +that soap on her front teeth to teach her +not to never refer to the deacon again, an' +he dropped the cheese square on her head +when he was up on a step-ladder an' she +was in a little cupboard underneath leanin' +over for a plate, an' then he tried to make +out as it was an accident. She says it +was n't no accident though. She says a +woman as gets a cheese on the back of her +head from a husband as is on a step-ladder +over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident +story; she says that cheese like to of +hurt her for life an' was the greatest of the +consolations she had when he died. She +says she never will forget it as long as she's +alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her +heaven she won't; she says when the cemetery +committee come to her an' want her +to subscribe for keepin' him trimmed with +a lawn mower an' a little flag on Decoration +Day, she always thinks of that cheese<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> +an' says no, thank you, they can just mow +him regularly right along with the rest.</p> + +<p>"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an' +cold to see Hiram settin' out along that +stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned +every pin in from first to last. She says +if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with +him, but no, to bed he must go feelin' as +bright as a button, an' in the mornin', oh +my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear +him wake up, for Lucy washes his face +so sudden with cold water that he gives +one howl before he remembers he's married, +an' five minutes after she hangs every +last one of the bedclothes square out of +the window.</p> + +<p>"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a +pretty sad tale first an' last, an' Gran'ma +Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep +being led to its halter, but she says she +can't feel as meekness pays women much. +She says she was meek an' Hiram's meek, +an' she did n't get no reward but soap an' +that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so far<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> +is the hairbrush, an' the water pitcher +loomin'.</p> + +<p>"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage +was n't enough took into consideration +nowadays, an' that it was too easy +at the start, an' too hard at the finish. +You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there +ain't a mite o' doubt but what if the +honeymoon come just afore the funeral +there'd be a deal more sincere mournin' +than there is as it is now, an' to <i>my</i> order +of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore +the children, folks would raise their +families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mullins +just that very thing but it did n't seem to +give her much comfort. She give a little +yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from +havin' to sit by an' watch Lucy Dill raise +Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd +never be able to give 'em enough pie on +the sly to keep 'em happy an' any one with +half an eye could see they'd be washed an' +brushed half to death. She says Lucy +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>won't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards +or sweep a room without carryin' +all the furniture out into the yard; oh my, +she says her ways is most awful an' I expect +that, to Gran'ma Mullins, they are.</p> + +<p>"I cheered her all I could. I told her +she'd better make the best o' things now, +'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd +make her madder an' madder, an' +they'll all soon be lookin' back to this +happy first year as their one glimpse of +paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy +told me o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell +Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucy or he'd +never stand being hit for a June bug or +woke with a wash-cloth. But I did kind +of wonder how long it would last. If I +was Lucy it would n't last long, I know +<i>that</i>. If I'd ever married a man I don't +know how long he'd of stood it or how +long I'd of stood him, but I know one +thing, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from +my heels to my hairpins—an' I said it to +Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it +to you now—an' that is that if I could n't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> +of stood him I would n't of stood him, for +this is the age when women as read the +papers don't stand nothin' they don't want +to—an' I would n't neither."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, you ain't me," said Miss Clegg, +"you ain't me an' you ain't Elijah neither. +I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no +livin' in the house with any man as supposes +livin' in the house with any other +woman is goin' to be pleasanter than livin' +in the house with the woman as he's then +an' there livin' in the house with. The +main thing in life is to keep men down to +a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but +yours an' keep yourself down to a low +opinion of the man. You don't want to +marry him then an' he don't want to live +with any one else. An' to my order of +thinkin' that's about the only way that a +woman can take any comfort with a man +in the house."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V</h2> + +<p class="center">SUSAN CLEGG'S FULL DAY</p> + + +<p>"Well," said Miss Clegg, with strong +emphasis, as she mounted Mrs. +Lathrop's steps, "I don't know, I'm sure, +what I've come over here for this night, +for I never felt more like goin' right straight +off to bed in all my life before." Then she +sat down on the top step and sighed +heavily.</p> + +<p>"It's been a full day," she went on +presently; "an' I can't deny as I was +nothin' but glad to remember as Elijah +was n't comin' home to supper, for as a +consequence I sha'n't have it to get. A +woman as has had a day like mine to-day +don't want no supper anyhow, an' it +stands to reason as if I don't feel lively +in the first place, I ain't goin' to be made<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> +any more so by comin' to see you, for I +will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, that seein' you +always makes me wonder more'n ever +why I come to see you so often when I +might just as well stay home an' go to bed. +If I was in my bed this blessed minute +I'd be very comfortable, which I'm very +far from bein' here with this mosquito aimin' +just over my slap each time; an' then, +too, I'd be alone, an' no matter how hard +I may try to make myself look upon bein' +with you as the same thing as bein' alone, +it is n't the same thing an' you can't in +conscience deny <i>that</i>, no matter how hard +you may sit without movin'."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop made no reply to this frank +comment on her liveliness, and after a +short pause, Miss Clegg sighed heavily +a second time, and continued:</p> + +<p>"It's been a full day, a awful full day. +In the first place the rooster was woke by +accident last night an' he up an' woke me. +He must of woke me about three o'clock +as near as I can figure it out now, but I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> +supposed when I was woke as of course it +was five so I got right up an' went in an' +woke Elijah. Elijah told me last week as +he did n't believe he'd ever seen the sun +rise an' I was just enough out of sorts to +think as to-day would be a good time for +him to begin to turn over a new leaf as +far as the sunrise was concerned. I must +say he was n't very spry about the leaf, for +all he did was to turn himself over at first, +but I opened his window an' banged the +blinds three or four times an' in the end he +got woke up without really knowin' just +what had woke him. We had breakfast +with a candle, an' then Elijah was so tired +lookin' out for the sunrise that he looked +in at his watch an' see as it was only +quarter to four then. He was real put out +at that at first 'cause he wrote till half +past two last night, an' in the end he went +back to bed an' it certainly was a relief to +see the last of him, for I may in confidence +remark as I never see him look quite so +stupid afore. After he was gone back to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> +bed I washed up the breakfast dishes an' +then I went out in the wood shed in the +dark an' there I got another surprise, for +I thought I'd look over the rags I was +savin' for the next rag rug an' when I +poured 'em out in my lap, what do you +think, Mrs. Lathrop, what <i>do</i> you think +poured out along with 'em?—Why, a +nest of young mice an' two old ones!</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe +imagine my feelin's at four in the mornin' +with Elijah gone back to bed an' my own +lap full of mice, but whatever I yelled +did n't disturb him any an' I just made +two jumps for the lamp in the kitchen, +leavin' the mice wherever they hit to rearrange +their family to suit themselves. +Well, the second jump must needs land me +right square on top of the cistern lid, an' +it up an' went in, takin' my left leg along +with it as far as it would go. Well, Mrs. +Lathrop, talk of girls as can open an' shut, +like scissors, in a circus—I was scissored +to that degree that for a little I could n't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> +think which would be wisest, to try an' +get myself together again in the kitchen or +to just give up altogether in the cistern. +In the end I hauled the leg as had gone +in out again, an' then I see where all the +trouble come from, for the cistern lid was +caught to my garter an' what I'd thought +was a real injury was only it swingin' +around an' around my leg. I put the lid +back on the cistern an' felt to sit with my +legs crossed for quite a while, thinkin' +pleasant thoughts of the rooster as woke +me, an' by that time it was half past four, +an' I could hear all the other chickens stirrin' +so I got up an' began to stir again +myself. I opened the front door an' looked +out an' that did n't bring me no good luck +either, for as I looked out a bat flew in an' +just as the bat flew in he managed to hook +himself right in my hair. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, +I tell you I <i>was</i> mad then. I don't +know as I ever was madder than I was +then. I was so mad that I can't tell you +how mad I was. The bat held on by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> +diggin' in like he thought I wanted to get +him off, an' I pulled at him so hard that +I can't in conscience be surprised much +over his takin' that view of it. Well, in +the end I had to take all my hairpins out +first an' then sort of skin him out of my +hair lengthways, which, whatever you may +think about it, Mrs. Lathrop, is far from +bein' funny along afore dawn on a day as +you 've begun at three thinkin' as it was +five."</p> + +<p>"Susan!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop; +"don't—"</p> + +<p>"No, I'll have some when I get home. +I like mine better than yours anyway. +Now you've made me forget where I was +in my story."</p> + +<p>"You—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes, I remember now. Well, I +was too put out at first to notice what the +bat did after I got him out o' my head, +but when I went upstairs I found him +circlin' everywhere in a way as took every +bit of home feelin' out of the house an' I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> +just saw that I'd have no peace till I could +be alone with Elijah again. So I got up +an' got a broom an' went a battin' for all +I was worth. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can +believe me or not just as you please, but +for one solid hour I run freely an' gayly up +an' down an' over an' under my own house +after that bat. I never see nothin' like +that bat before or behind. He just sort +of sailed here an' there an' everywhere, an' +wherever he sailed smoothly an' easily +there was me runnin' after him with the +broom, whackin' at him every chance I +got. We was upstairs, we was downstairs, +we was in the wood shed an' out of the +wood shed, we was under the kitchen table, +we was over father's picture on the mantel—we +was everywhere, me an' that bat. +Then all of a sudden he disappeared completely +an' I sit down in the rockin'-chair +to puff an' rest. Elijah slept till most +eight an' I was so tired I let him sleep +although I never was one to approve of +any man's sleepin', but before he woke<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> +something worse than a bat come down +on me, an' that was Mrs. Sweet's cousin, +Jerusha Dodd. You know Jerusha Dodd, +Mrs. Lathrop, an' so do I, an' so does +everybody an' as far as my observation 's +extended bats is wise men bringin' their +gifts from afar to visit you compared to +Jerusha Dodd when she arrives in the +early mornin'. I would n't never have +gone to the door only she stepped up on the +drain-pipe first an' looked in an' saw me +there in the rockin'-chair afore she knocked. +I tell you I was good an' mad when I see +her an' see as she see me an' I made no +bones of it when I opened the door. I +says to her frank an' open—I says, +'Good gracious, Jerusha, I hope you ain't +lookin' to see me pleased at seein' as it's +you.' But laws, you could n't smash +Jerusha Dodd not if you was a elephant +an' she was his sat-down-upon fly, so I had +her sittin' in the kitchen an' sighin' in +less'n no time. She was full of her woes +an' the country's woes as usual. Congress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> +was goin' to ruin us next year sure, an' she +had a hole in her back fence anyway; she +did n't approve of Mr. Rockefeller's prices +on oil, an' there was a skunk in her cellar, +an' she said she could n't seem to learn to +enjoy livin' the simple life as she'd had +to live it since her father died, a <i>tall</i>. She +said that accordin' to her views life for +single women nowadays was too simple an' +she said she really only lacked bein' buried +to be dead. She says as all a simple life +is, is havin' no rights except them as your +neighbors don't want. She says for her +part she's been more took into the heart +of creation than she's ever cared about. I +do hate to have to listen to the way she +goes on an' no one can say as I ever was +one to encourage her in them views. I +don't think it's right to encourage no one +in their own views 'cause their views is +never mine an' mine is always the right +ones. This mornin' I stood it as long as +I could from Jerusha an' then I just let +out at her an' I says to her, I says,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> +'Jerusha Dodd, you really are a fool an' +Heaven help them as ever makes more of +a fool of you, by tellin' you as you ain't.' +You know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop; +she began to cry hard an' rock harder right +off, said she knowed she was a fool, but it +was nature's fault an' not hers for she was +born so an' could n't seem to get the +better of it. I told her my view of the +matter would be for her to stay home an' +patch up that hole in her fence an' pull +up some o' that choice garden full of weeds +as she's growin', an' brush the dust off +the crown of her bonnet, an' do a few other +of them wholesome little trifles as is a good +deal nearer the most of us than Mr. Rockefeller +an' what congress in its infinite wisdom +is goin' to see fit to deal out in the +daily papers next year.</p> + +<p>"But she only kept on cryin' an' rockin' +an' finally I got so tired listenin' to her +creak an' sob that I went out an' had a +real bright idea. I got the little sink +scratcher an' tied a wet piece of rag to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> +handle an' went around behind her an' hung +it suddenly in her back hair. She put up +her hand an' felt it, an' give a yell that +woke Elijah. You know how Jerusha +Dodd acts when she's upset! She spun +around so the sink scratcher fell right out +but she did n't have sense enough left in +her to know it. She yelled, 'What was it? +what was it?' an' I yelled, 'It was a bat, +it was a bat;' an' at that I see the last of +Jerusha Dodd, for she was out of my +kitchen an' out of my sight afore Elijah +could get to the top of the stairs to begin +yellin', 'What was it? what was it?' on his +own hook. I had to tell him all about it +then an' he wanted it for a item right off. +He said he'd have a dash for Jerusha an' +a star for me, an' the idea took him like +most of his ideas do, an' he laughed till he +coughed the coffee as I'd saved for him +all the wrong way, an' dropped a soft +boiled egg as I'd boiled for him into the +water pitcher, an', oh my, I thought misfortunes +never would come to a end or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> +even to a turnin'. But after he'd fished +out the egg an' eat it, he went off down +to his uncle's an' he was n't more'n gone +when in come Mrs. Sweet to see if Jerusha +left her breastpin, 'cause in her quick +breathin' it had fallen somewhere an' +Jerusha was havin' hysterics over losin' +that now. While I was talkin' to Mrs. +Sweet at the gate I smelt somethin' burnin' +an' there my whole bakin' of bread was +burnt up in the oven owin' to Jerusha +Dodd's breathin' her breastpin out over a +bat. I felt to be some tempered then, an' +Mrs. Sweet saw it an' turned around an' +left me, an' after she was gone I went into +the house an' pulled down the shades an' +locked the door an' went to sleep. I slept +till Elijah come home to dinner an' of +course there was n't no dinner ready an' +that put Elijah out. Elijah's got a good +deal of a temper, I find, an' the only thing +in the world to do with a man in a temper, +when he is in a temper, is to make him so +mad that he goes right off in a huff an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> +leaves you to peace again. So I just made +one or two remarks about my opinion of +things as he feels very strong about, an' +he said he guessed he'd get supper down +town an' sleep at the store to-night. So +he took himself off an' he was hardly out +of the way when Mrs. Macy come to tell +me about Judy Lupey's divorce."</p> + +<p>"Is—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Not yet, but she soon will be," said +Miss Clegg. "Mrs. Macy's just back from +Meadville an' she says all Meadville is +churned up over it. They ain't never had +a divorce there afore, an' every one is so +interested to know just how to do it, an' +I will say this much for Mrs. Macy, an' +that is that she was nothin' but glad to +tell me all about it. Seems as the Lupeys +is most awful upset over it though an' +Mrs. Kitts says she ain't sure as she won't +change her will sooner than leave money +to a woman with two husbands."</p> + +<p>"Two—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Macy says," continued Susan,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> +"as Mrs. Lupey ain't much better pleased +than Mrs. Kitts over it all, an', although +she did n't say it in so many words, she +hinted pretty plain as it seemed hard as +the only one of the girls to get married +should be the same one as is gettin' +divorced. Mrs. Macy said she see her +point of view, but to her order of thinkin' +the world don't begin to be where old +maids need consider divorces yet awhile. +She says she stayed in the house with 'em +all three days an' she says she cheered +Mrs. Lupey all she could; she says she told +her to her best ear as no one but a mother +would ever have dreamed of dreamin' of +Faith or Maria's ever marryin' under any +circumstances. She said Mrs. Lupey said +it was the quickness of Judy's gettin' tired +of Mr. Drake as had frightened her most. +Why, she says as before the first baby was +through teethin' in her day, Judy was all up +an' through an' completely done with Mr. +Drake. All done with him an' home again, +an' the family not even countin' to consider.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Mrs. Macy says as she's learned a +awful lot about divorce as she did n't know +before. She said she could n't help being +surprised over how much a divorce is like +a marriage, for Busby Bell was there every +night an' Judy an' the whole family is hard +at work gettin' her clothes ready. But +Mrs. Macy says them as suppose the real +gettin' of the divorce itself is simple had +ought to go an' stay at the Lupeys awhile. +Why, she says the way the Lupeys is complicated +an' tied up by Judy an' Mr. Drake +is somethin' beyond all belief. To begin +with, Judy decided to be deserted because +she thought it'd really be the simplest an' +easiest in the end an' she hated to bother +with bein' black an' blue for witnesses an' +all that kind of business. But it seems +being deserted, when you live in the same +town with a husband who rides a bicycle +an' don't care where he meets you, is just +enough to drive a woman nigh to madness +itself. Why, Mrs. Macy says that Judy +Lupey actually can't go out to walk a <i>tall</i>,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> +not 'nless Faith walk a block ahead of +her an' Maria a block behind, an' even then +Mr. Drake's liable to come coastin' down +on 'em any minute. She says it's awful +tryin', an' Judy gets so mad over it all that +it just seems as if they could <i>not</i> stand it.</p> + +<p>"But that ain't the only trouble neither, +Mrs. Macy says. Seems Judy got Solomon +Drake for her lawyer 'cause he knowed the +whole story, through eatin' dinner at the +Drakes every Sunday while they was stayin' +married. She thought havin' Solomon +Drake would save such a lot of explainin' +'cause Mr. Drake is so hard to explain to +any one as has just seen him ridin' his bicycle +an' not really been his wife. Well, seems +as Judy never calculated on Solomon's +keepin' right on takin' Sunday dinner with +Mr. Drake, after he became her lawyer, but +he does, an' none of the Lupeys think it +looks well, an' Judy finds it most tryin' +because all she an' Solomon talk over about +the divorce he tells Mr. Drake on Sunday +out of gratitude for his dinner an' because<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> +it's a subject as seems to really interest +Mr. Drake. Seems Mr. Drake is a hard +man to interest. Judy says he was yawnin' +afore they got to the station on their +honeymoon.</p> + +<p>"But Mrs. Macy says that ain't all, +neither, whatever you may think, for she +says what do you think of Mr. Drake's +goin' an' gettin' Busby Bell of all the men +in Meadville for <i>his</i> lawyer, when the whole +town knows as it's Busby as Judy's goin' +to marry next. Mrs. Lupey says as Judy +would have took Busby for her own lawyer +only they was so afraid of hurtin' each +other's reputations, an' now really it's terrible, +'cause Busby says as he don't well +see what's to be done about their reputations +if the worst comes to the worst, for +he's explained as very likely Judy's goin' +to need one more man than a husband to +get her her divorce. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. +Lupey says as Busby said as if he had n't +been Mr. Drake's lawyer he'd have been +more than ready to be the other man, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> +as Mr. Drake's lawyer he can't help Judy +no more'n if he was Mr. Drake himself. +Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey cried, an' she +told her as she knowed as there was any +number of quiet elderly men as any one +could depend on right here in our own +community as'd be nothin' but glad to go +over to Meadville an' help anyway they +could, but Mrs. Lupey asked Judy about +it, an' Judy asked Busby, an' Busby said +men as you could depend on anywhere +was n't no use in divorce suits a <i>tall</i>. It's +quite another kind, it seems. Mrs. Macy +says she's really very sorry for them all, +for it really seems awful to think how the +Lupeys need a man an' the only man +they've got Judy's busy gettin' rid of as +hard as she can.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Macy says it's all most upsettin'. +She says she never lived through nothin' +like it afore. Judy's cross 'cause she can't +go out an' meet Busby without runnin' the +risk of meetin' Mr. Drake an' losin' all the +time she's put in so far bein' deserted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> +An' then there's a many things as a outsider +never would know about or even +guess at unless they've lived right in the +house with a real live divorce. Mrs. Macy +says as Martha Hack, as does the washin' +for 'em all, is forever forgettin' an' sendin' +Judy's wash home with Mr. Drake's just +as if they was still completely married. +That would n't be so bad only Mr. Drake +waits for Solomon to get 'em Sunday, an' +Solomon's kind-hearted an' gives 'em to +Busby so as to give him a excuse to make +two calls in one day. Well, Mrs. Macy +says the come out of it all is as when Judy +wants to take a bath just about all Meadville +has to turn out to see where under +heaven her clean clothes is.</p> + +<p>"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, tellin' it all +to you does n't matter so much, but to +hear Mrs. Macy tell it makes you wonder +if it's worth while to try an' leave a man +as you can't live with. Seems to me +it'd be easier to live with him. Mrs. Macy +says as she met Mr. Drake several times<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> +herself on his bicycle an' he looked most +bloomin'. No one need be sorry for him, +an' not many is sorry for Judy. But Mrs. +Macy says there's only one person as all +Meadville's sorry for, an' that's Busby Bell."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop started to speak.</p> + +<p>"Yes," Susan went on hurriedly. "Elijah +said just that same thing the other +day when he was talkin' about the Marlboroughs. +He thinks as divorces is all a +mistake, but then you're a widow an' +Elijah ain't married so you're both pretty +safe in airin' your views."</p> + +<p>Susan rose just here and descended the +steps. "I must go," she said, "I don't +seem to take no particular interest in what +you might be goin' to tell me, Mrs. Lathrop, +even if there was any chance of your +ever gettin' around to tellin' it, an' I've +told you all I know, an' I'm very tired +talkin'. As I said before, it's been a full +day an' I'm pretty well beat out. I forgot +to tell you as after Mrs. Macy was gone +I found as it was n't the bread I smelt in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> +the oven—it was the bat. I suppose +when I see Mr. Kimball he'll make one of +his jokes over bread-dough an' bats an' +batter, but I'll be too wore out to care. +Did I say as Elijah said he'd sleep at the +store to-night?"</p> + +<p>"Will—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, all of a +sudden.</p> + +<p>"Why, of course," said Susan, "it did n't +hurt either loaf a mite. I'd be as much +of a fool as Jerusha Dodd if I let a little +thing like a bat spoil a whole bakin' of +bread for me, Mrs. Lathrop. As for Elijah, +he did n't know nothin' about it an' +I sha'n't tell him, you may be sure, for he's +the one as eats all the bread—I never +touch it myself, as you well know."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI</h2> + +<p class="center">THE EDITOR'S ADVICE COLUMN</p> + + +<p>"I'm a good deal worried over Elijah," +Miss Clegg said to Mrs. Lathrop, one +day when the new paper was about three +weeks old, and when the town had begun +to take both it and its editor with reasonable +calm; "he does have so many ideas. +Some of his ideas are all right as far as I +can see, but he has 'em so thick an' fast +that it worries me more'n a little. It +ain't natural to have new ideas all the time +an' no one in this community ever does it. +He's forever tellin' me of some new way +he's thought of for branchin' out somewhere +an' his branches make me more'n +a little nervous. The old ways is good +enough for us an' I try to hold him down +to that idea, but first he wants me to get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> +a new kind of flatirons as takes off while +you heat it, an' next he wants me to fix +the paper all over new.</p> + +<p>"I brought over somethin' as he wrote +last night to read you, an' show you how +curious his brains do mix up things. He +brought it down this mornin' an' read it +to me, an' I asked him to give it to me to +read to you. I was goin' to bring it to +you anyway, but then he said as I could +too, so it's all right either way. It's some +of his new ideas an' he said he'd be nothin' +but glad to have you hear 'em 'cause +he says the more he lives with me the +more respect he's got for your hearin' +an' judgment. He asked me what I +thought of it first, an' I told him +frank an' open as I did n't know what +under the sun to think of it. I meant +that, too, for I certainly never heard +nothin' like it in my life afore, so he +said we could both read it to-day an' I +could tell him what we thought to-night, +when he come home.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Wh—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with real +interest.</p> + +<p>"Well, seems he's been thinkin' as it's +time to begin to show us how up-to-date +he looks on life, he says, an' as a consequence +he's openin' up what he calls the +field of the future. He says he's goin' to +have a editorial this week on beginnin' +from now on to make every issue of the +<i>Megaphone</i> just twice as good as the one +afore. I told him if he really meant what +he said it could n't possibly be worth no +dollar a year now, but he said wait an' see +an' time would tell an' virtue be her own +reward. He says he's goin' to make arrangements +with a woman in the city for +a beauty column, an' arrangements with +some other woman as is a practical preserver, +an' have a piece each time on how +to be your own dressmaker once you get +cut out; I thought that these things was +about enough for one paper, but oh my! he +went on with a string more, as long as +your arm. He's goin' to begin to have a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> +advice column too, right off, an' that's this +I've brought over to read you; he says +lots of folks want advice an' don't want +to tell no one nor pay nothin' an' they can +all write him an' get their answers on anythin' +in the wide world when the paper +comes out Saturday. I could n't but open +my eyes a little at that, for I know a many +as need advice as I should n't consider +Elijah knew enough to give, but Elijah's +a man an' in consequence don't know anythin' +about how little he does know, so I +did n't say nothin' more on that subject. +He's full of hope an' says he's soon goin' +to show big city papers what genius can +do single-handed with a second-hand +printin' press, an' he talked an' talked till +I really had to tell him that if he did n't +want his breakfast he'd have to go back +to bed or else down town."</p> + +<p>"Is the—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, this is it. He done it last night +an' he give it to me this mornin' to read to +you. It's to be called 'The Advice Column'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> +an' he's goin' to head it 'Come to My +Bosom' an' sign it 'Aunt Abby' 'cause of +course if he signed it himself he'd be liable +for breach of promise from any girl as read +the headin' an' chose to think he meant +her."</p> + +<p>"But who—?" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Why, nobody the first week, of course. +He had to make 'em up himself—an' the +answers too, an' that's what makes it all +seem so silly to me. But he did work +over it,—he says no one knows the work +of gettin' people stirred up to enthusiasm +in a small town like this, an' he says he'd +ought to have a martyr's crown of thorns, +he thinks, for even thinkin' of gettin' a +advice column started when most of his +energies is still got to go tryin' to get our +fund for the famine big enough to make it +pay to register the letter when the cheque +goes. He says the trouble with the fund +is no one has no relations there an' a good +many thought as it was mostly Chinamen +as is starvin' anyhow. Elijah says the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> +world is most dreadful hard-hearted about +Chinamen—they don't seem to consider +them as of any use a <i>tall</i>. He says it's +mighty hard to get up a interest in anythin' +here anyhow, Lord knows—for he +says that San Francisco fund an' what +become of it has certainly been a pill an' +no mistake. The nearest he come to that +was gettin' a letter as Phœbe White wrote +the deacon about how the government +relief train run right through the town +she's in, but Elijah says after all his efforts +he has n't swelled the famine fund thirty-five +cents this week. He says Clightville +has give nine dollars an' Meadville has +give fifteen dollars an' two barrels an' a +mattress, if anybody wants it C. O. D., an' +here we are stuck hard at six dollars an' a +quarter an' two pennies as the minister's +twins brought just after they choked on +them licorish marbles."</p> + +<p>"Did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, I did n't. I tell you what, Mrs. +Lathrop, I keep a learnin'; in regard to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> +givin' to funds I've learned a very good +trick from Rockefeller an' Carnegie in the +papers; they come to me about that San +Francisco one an' I said right out frank an' +open that if the town would give five hundred +dollars I'd give fifty. That shut up +every one's mouth an' set every one to +thinkin' how much I was willin' to give an' +as a matter of fact I did n't give nothin' a +<i>tall</i>."</p> + +<p>"But about—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Susan, opening the paper +which she had in her hand, "I was just +thinkin' of it, too. I'll read it to you +right off now an' you see if you don't think +about as I do. I think myself as Elijah's +made some pretty close cuts at people, only +of course every one will guess as he must +of made 'em up 'cause they don't really +fit to no one. Still, it's a risky business an' +I wish he'd let it alone for he lives in my +house an' I know lots of folks as is mean +enough to say that these things was like +enough said to him by me—a view as is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> +far from likely to make my friends any +more friendly."</p> + +<p>"Do—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I'm goin' to." Then Miss Clegg +drew a long breath and re-began thus:</p> + +<p>"Well, now, the first is, 'How can you +put pickles up so they'll keep the year +'round?'" She paused there and looked +expectantly at the placid Mrs. Lathrop +as if she was asking a riddle or conducting +an examination for the benefit of her +friend. Mrs. Lathrop, however, had turned +and was looking the other way so it was +only when the length of the pause brought +her to herself with a violent start, that she +answered:</p> + +<p>"My heavens ali—"</p> + +<p>"The answer is," said Susan promptly, +"'Put 'em up so high that nobody can +reach them.'"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes.</p> + +<p>"I don't—" she protested.</p> + +<p>"No, I did n't think as it was very +sensible myself," responded Susan, "but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> +do you know, Elijah laughed out loud over +it. That's what's funny about Elijah to +my order of thinkin'—he's so amused at +himself. He thinks that's one of the best +things he's done as a editor, he says, an' +I'm sure I can't see nothin' funny in it +any more than you can. An' you don't see +nothin' funny in it, do you?"</p> + +<p>"No," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I—"</p> + +<p>"Nor me neither," said Susan, "an' now +the next one is sillier yet, to my order of +thinkin'. It's a letter an' begins, 'Dear +Aunt Abby;' then it says, 'Do you think +it is possible to be happy with a young +man with freckles? My husband says Yes, +but my mother says No. He's my husband's +son by his first wife. I have twins +myself. I want the boy sent to a home +of some sort. What do you think? Yours +affectionately—Ada.'"</p> + +<p>"What under the—" ejaculated Mrs. +Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Just what I said," said Susan. "I +could n't make head or tail out of it myself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> +an' I'm afraid it'll make Deacon White +mad 'cause Polly's his second wife—yes, +an' the minister's got two wives, too. I +tried to make Elijah see that but he just +said to read the answer."</p> + +<p>"What is—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, the answer's just as dumbfounderin' +as the question, I think. The answer +says, 'Hang on to the boy. If you get +the twin habit he'll prove invaluable.'"</p> + +<p>"Well, I—" said Mrs. Lathrop, disgustedly.</p> + +<p>"I told Elijah that myself. I said that +the minister was bound to feel hurt over +the second wife part, but with twins in +the answer he's sure to feel it means him +an' I expect he'll maybe stop takin' the +paper an' join Mrs. Macy's club. Mrs. +Macy got real mad at somethin' Mr. Kimball +sold her last week an' as a consequence +she went an' made what she calls her +Newspaper Club, she rents her paper for +a cent a day now an' she made four cents +last week. She says if Elijah Doxey ever<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> +says anythin' in the paper about her again +she'll take three papers an' rent 'em at +two mills a day an' supply the whole town +an' wreck him so flat he'll have to hire +out to pick hops. I told Elijah what she +said an' he said for the Lord's sake to tell +Mrs. Macy as her toes was hereafter perfectly +safe from all his treads. I told her, +but she says he need n't think quotin' +from poets is goin' to inspire faith in him +in her very soon again. She says over in +Meadville it's town talk as Elijah Doxey is +havin' just a box of monkeys' fun with us."</p> + +<p>"Do you—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed.</p> + +<p>"No, I don't, for I asked him an' he +crossed his heart to the contrary. But +really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read +the rest of this for I've got to be gettin' +home to get supper."</p> + +<p>"Go—" said the neighbor.</p> + +<p>"No, I won't till I've done. The next +one is this one an' it says, 'How long ought +any one to wait to get married? I have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> +waited several years an' there is nothin' +against the man except he's eighty-two +an' paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an' +Ma oppose the match an' are the oldest +couple in the country,' an' Elijah has +signed it 'Lovin'ly, Rosy'—of all the +silly things!"</p> + +<p>"He must be—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I should think so," said Susan; "why, +he was rollin' all over the sofa laughin' +over that. The answer is, 'I would wait +a little longer—you can lose nothin' by +patience.' I call that pretty silly, too."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, indeed," said Susan, folding up the +paper, "I felt it an' I said it, an' I knew +you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I +must say as I don't like his Advice +Column, an' I'd never be one to advise +no one to write to it for advice. His answers +don't seem to tell you nothin', to +my order of thinkin', an' that one about +the pickles struck me just like a slap in +my face."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I'd never—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Nor me neither. If I want to know I +come to you."</p> + +<p>"And I—" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly.</p> + +<p>"I know you would," said her friend, +"whatever faults you've got, Mrs. Lathrop, +I'd always feel that about you."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII</h2> + +<p class="center">MRS. MACY AND THE CONVENTION</p> + + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop was out in the garden, +pottering around in an aimless +sort of way which she herself designated +as "looking after things," but which her +friend and neighbor called "wastin' time +an' strength on nothin'." Whenever Miss +Clegg perceived Mrs. Lathrop thus engaged +she always interrupted her occupation as +speedily as possible. On the occasion of +which I write, she emerged from her own +kitchen door at once, and called:</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mrs. Lathrop, come here, I've got +a surprise for you."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop forthwith ceased to gaze +fondly and absent-mindedly over her half-acre +of domain, and advanced to the fence. +Miss Clegg also advanced to the fence, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> +upon its opposite sides the following conversation +took place.</p> + +<p>"I went to see Mrs. Macy yesterday +afternoon," Miss Clegg began, "an' I saw +her an' that's what the surprise come +from."</p> + +<p>"She isn't—" asked Mrs. Lathrop anxiously.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no, she's all right—that is, she's +pretty nearly all right, but I may remark +as the sight an' hearin' of her this day is +a everlastin' lesson on lettin' women be +women an' allowin' men to keep on bein' +men for some years to come yet. Mrs. +Macy says for her part she's felt that way +all along but every one said it was her duty +an' she says she always makes a point of +doin' her duty, an' this time it was goin' +to give her a free trip to town, too, so the +hand of Providence seemed to her to be +even more'n unusually plainly stuck out +at her."</p> + +<p>"Oh," said Mrs. Lathrop—"you +mean—"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Of course I do," said Susan, "but wait +till I tell you how it come out. It's come +out now, an' all different from how you +know."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, you wait an' listen," said the +friend,—"you wait an' listen an' then +you'll know, too."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop, submissively.</p> + +<p>"She says," Miss Clegg went on, "that +we all know (an' that's true, too, 'cause I +told you that before) as she was never +much took with the idea even in the first +of it. She says as she thinks as Elijah's +ideas is gettin' most too progressive an' +if he ain't checked we'll very soon find +ourselves bein' run over by some of his +ideas instead of pushed forward. She says +woman's clubs is very nice things an' Mrs. +Lupey takes a deal of pleasure with the +one in Meadville (whenever they don't +meet at her house)—but Mrs. Macy says +our sewin' society ain't no club an' never +was no club, an' she considers as it was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> +overdrawin' on Elijah's part to start the +question of its sendin' a delegate to any +federation of any kind of woman's clubs. +She says she can't see—an' she said at +the meetin' as elected her, that she +couldn't see—what our sewin' society +could possibly get out of any convention, +for you can buy all the patterns by mail +now just as well as if you have 'em all to +look over. An' then she says, too, as no +one on the face of kingdom come could +ever be crazy enough to suppose as any +convention could ever get anythin' out of +our delegates, so what was the use of us +an' them ever tryin' to get together a <i>tall</i>. +I thought she was very sensible yesterday, +an' I thought she was very sensible at the +meetin' as elected her, an' I tried to talk +to Elijah, but Elijah's so dead set on our +bein' up to time with every Tom, Dick an' +Harry as comes along with any kind of a +new plan, that I can't seem to get him to +understand as no one in this town wants +to be up to time—we're a great deal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> +better suited takin' our own time like we +always did until he come among us. Mrs. +Macy says as we all know as no one +wanted to be a delegate to the federation +to begin with, an' you know that yourself, +Mrs. Lathrop, for I was there an' Elijah's +idea resulted in the first place in every +one's stayin' away from that meetin' for +fear as they'd be asked to go. They had +to set another day for the sewin' society +an' even then a good many cleaned house +instead for a excuse, an' Mrs. Sweet said +right out as she did n't believe as any of +us knowed enough to go to a convention +an' so we'd better all stay home. I had +to speak up at that an' say as Elijah had +told me as things was fixed now so folks +as did n't know anythin' could go to a +convention just as well as any one else, but +Mrs. Jilkins said in that case she should +feel as if she was wastin' her time along +with a lot of fools, an' what she said made +such a impression that in the end the only +one as they could possibly get to go was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> +Mrs. Macy, so they elected her. Mrs. Macy +was n't enthusiastic about bein' elected, a +<i>tall</i>, but Mrs. Lupey is her cousin an' Mrs. +Lupey was the Meadville delegate, an' she +says she thought as they could sit together, +an' Mrs. Lupey wanted to go to the city +anyway about reducin' her flesh, an' Mrs. +Macy said that was sure to be interestin' +for the one as Mrs. Lupey likes best is the +one as you run chains of marbles up an' +down your back alone by yourself, an' +Mrs. Macy wanted to see them givin' Mrs. +Lupey full directions for nothin'—she +thought it would be so amusin'—an' so in +the end she said she'd go.</p> + +<p>"Well, she says foreign folks before they +come to this country is wise compared to +her! She was tellin' me all about it this +afternoon. I never hear such a tale—not +even from Gran'ma Mullins. She says +Elijah sent in her name an' they filed her +next day an' she says they've never quit +sendin' her the filin's ever since. I told +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>you as I heard in the square she was gettin' +a good deal of mail but I never mistrusted +how much until she showed me +her box for kindlin' fires next winter. +Why, she says it's beyond all belief! The +right end of the box has got the papers as +was n't worth nothin' an' the left end has +got them as is really valuable. Well, after +I'd looked at the box we set down an' she +told me the hide an' hair of the whole +thing. She says at first she got letters +from everybody under the sun askin' her +her opinions an' views, some about things +as she never heard of before an' others as +to things as she considers a downright +insult to consider as she might know about. +But she says views an' insults don't really +matter much, after you reach her age, so +she let those all go into the box together +an' thought she'd think no more about it. +She says there was only just one as she +really minded an' that was the one about +her switch. Seems she was n't decided +about even wearin' her switch to the convention, +for she says it's very hard to get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> +both ends of a switch fastened in at the +same do-up an' one end looks about as +funny as the other, stickin' out, but she +says you can maybe imagine her feelin's +when a man as she would n't know from +Adam wrote her a letter beginnin', 'Hello, +hello, why don't you have that dyed?' an' +a picture of him lookin' at a picture of her +very own switch with a microscope! She +says she never was so took aback in all her +life. There was another picture on the +envelope of the man at a telephone an' +he'd got all the other delegates' switches +done an' hangin' up to dry for 'em an' she +says she will say as the law against sendin' +such things through the mail had certainly +ought to be applied to that man +right then an' there. She says it's years +since she's got red from anythin' but bein' +mad, but she was red from both kinds of +woman's feelin's then an' don't you forget +it. But laws, she says switches is child's +play to what another man wrote her about +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>his garters. Not her garters but his garters, +mind you, Mrs. Lathrop. Would you +believe that that other man had the face +to ask her point-blank if, while she was in +town, she'd be so kind as to give five +minutes to comin' an' lookin' at his garters!—at +<i>his garters</i>! He said they +hooked onto his shoulders an' he just +wanted a chance to tell her how comfortable +they was. Well, she says the idea +of any man's garters bein' of any interest +to a widow was surely most new to her, +an' it was all she could do to keep from +writin' an' tellin' him so. She says she +never hear the beat of such impertinence +in all her life. Why, she says when she +had a husband she never took no special +interest in his garters as she recollects. +She says she remembers as he used to pull +up when he first got up in the mornin' an' +then calmly wrinkle down all day, but +she says if her lawful husband's garters' +wrinkles did n't interest her, it ain't in +reason as any other man's not wrinklin' is +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>goin' to. But she says that ain't all whatever +I may think (or you either, Mrs. Lathrop), +for although the rest ain't maybe so +bad, still it's bad enough an' you 'll both +agree to that when you hear it, I know. +She says more men wrote her, an' more, +an' more, an' the things they said was +about all she could stand, so help her +Heaven! One asked her if she knowed she +needed a new carpet an' he happened to +keep carpets, an' another told her her +house needed paintin' an' he happened to +keep paint, an' another just come out flat +as a flounder an' said if she knowed how +old her stove was, she'd come straight to +him the first thing, an' he happened to +keep stoves. An' she says they need n't +suppose as she was n't sharp enough to see +as every last one of them letters was really +writ to sound unselfish, but with the meanin' +underneath of maybe gettin' her to +buy somethin'.</p> + +<p>"An' then she says there come a new +kind as really frightened her by gettin' +most too intimate on postal cards."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> + +<p>"On postal—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes—on postal cards. One wrote as +she could get her husband back if she'd +only follow his direction, an' she says the +last thing she wants is to get her husband +back, even if he is only just simply dead; +an' another told her if she'd go through +his exercises she could get fat or thin just +as she pleased, an' the exercises was done +in black without no clothes on around the +edge of the card, an' Mrs. Macy says when +Johnny handed her the card at the post +office she like to of died then an' there. +Why, she says they was too bad to put in +a book, even—they was too bad to even +send Mrs. Lupey!"</p> + +<p>"Wh—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Then on Monday last still another new +kind begin an' they've been comin' more +an' more each mail. They was the convention +itself beginnin' on her. An' she +says she don't know whether they was a +improvement or worse to come. One wrote +an' told her if she was temperance to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> +report to them the first thing, an' then +stand shoulder to shoulder from then on +straight through the whole week. Well, +Mrs. Macy says she could n't consider goin' +anywhere an' standin' up through a whole +week so she wrote 'em she was for the +Family Entrance, where everybody can sit +down, an' she feels bad because she's a +great believer in temperance, but she says +she can't help it, she's got to have a chair +anywhere where she's to stay for a week. +So temperance loses Mrs. Macy. Then +woman's sufferige did n't wait to ask her +what she was, but sent her a button an' +told her to sew it right on right then an' +there. She says she was feelin' so bad +over the temperance that she was only too +glad to be agreeable about the button so +she done it, but it's hard to button over +on a'count of bein' a star with the usual +spikes an' the only place where she needed +a button was on her placket hole, an' a +spiked button in the back of your petticoat +is far from bein' amusin' although she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> +says she can't but think as it's a very good +badge for sufferige whenever she steps on +it in steppin' out of her clothes at night. +Then next she got a letter askin' her if +she'd join the grand battalion to rally +around the flag, an' she says it was right +then an' there as she begin to fill the +kindlin' box.</p> + +<p>"Well, she says she'd got the box half +full when to-day she got the final slam in +her face!</p> + +<p>"There came this mornin' her directions +for goin' an' she says when she see for the +first time just the whole width of what she +was let in to she most fell over backward +then an' there.</p> + +<p>"First was a badge with a very good +safety pin as she can always use; she says +she did n't mind the badge. Then there +was paper tellin' her as she was M. 1206 +an' not to let it slip her mind an' to mark +everythin' she owned with it an' sew it in +her hat an' umbrella. Then there was a +map of the city with blue lines an' pink<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> +squares an' a sun without any sense shinin' +square in the middle. Then there was a +paper as she must fill out an' return by the +next mail if she was meanin' to eat or sleep +durin' the week. Then there was four +labels all to be writ with her name an' her +number an' one was for her trunk if it +weighed over a hundred pounds, an' one +was for her trunk if it weighed under a +hundred pounds, an' one was for her trunk +if it was a suit case, an' one was for her +trunk if it was n't.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Macy says you can maybe +imagine how her head was swimmin' by +this time an' the more she read how she +was to be looked out for, the more scared +she got over what might possibly happen +to her. She says it was just shock after +shock. There was a letter offerin' to pray +with her any time she'd telephone first, +an' a letter tellin' her not to overpay the +hack, an' a letter sayin' as it's always darkest +afore dawn, an' if she'd got any money +saved up to bring it along with her an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> +invest it by the careful advice of him as +had the letter printed at his own expense. +Why, she says she didn't know which way +to turn or what to do next she was that +mixed up.</p> + +<p>"An' then yesterday mornin' come the +final bang as bu'sted Mrs. Macy! She got +a letter from a man as said he'd meet her +in the station an' tattoo her name right on +her in the ladies' waitin'-room, so as her +friends could easy find her an' know her +body at the morgue. Well, she said that +ended her. She says she never was one +to take to bein' stuck an' so she just up +an' wrote to Mrs. Lupey as she would n't +go for love or money—"</p> + +<p>"Why," cried Mrs. Lathrop, "then she +isn't—"</p> + +<p>"No," said Susan, "she isn't goin'. She +ain't got the courage an' it's cruel to force +her. I told her to give me the ticket an' +I'd go in her place."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII</h2> + +<p class="center">THE BIENNIAL</p> + + +<p>On the day that the Convention of +Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop, +having seen her friend depart, composed +herself for a period of unmitigated +repose which might possibly last, she +thought, for several days. Susan had +awakened her very early that morning +to receive her back door key and minute +instructions regarding Elijah and the +chickens. Elijah had undertaken to look +after the chickens, but Miss Clegg stated +frankly that she should feel better during +her absence if her friend kept a sharp eye +on him during the process. "Elijah's got +a good heart," said the delegate, "but that +don't alter his bein' a man an' as a consequence +very poor to depend upon as to all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> +things about the house. I don't say as +I lay it up against him for if he was like +Deacon White, an' had ideas of his own +as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'd +drive me mad in no time, but still I shall +take it as a personal favor of you, Mrs. +Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you +see him if he's remembered all I told him, +an' <i>don't</i> let him forget the hen as is thinkin' +some of settin' in the wood shed, for if +she does it, she'll need food just as much +as if she does n't do it."</p> + +<p>Then Miss Clegg departed, with her +valise, her bonnet in a box, and some +lunch in another box. She went early, for +the simple reason that the train did the +same thing, and as soon as she was gone +Mrs. Lathrop, as I before remarked, went +straight back to bed and to sleep again. +She had a feeling that for a while at least +no demand upon her energies could possibly +be made, and it was therefore quite a +shock to her when some hours later she +heard a vigorous pounding on her back door.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + +<p>Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of +a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop was some +minutes in getting to the door, and when +she got there, was some seconds in fumbling +at the lock with her dream-benumbed +fingers; but in the end she got it open, and +then was freshly paralyzed by the sight of +her friend, standing without, with her +valise, her bonnet-box, her lunch in the +other box, and the general appearance of +a weary soldier who has fought but not +exactly won.</p> + +<p>"Why, Susan, I thought you—" began +Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyes both +popping widely open.</p> + +<p>"I did, an' I've got through an' I've +come home." Miss Clegg advanced into +the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited +her belongings upon the table and +herself upon a chair. "I've been to the +convention," she said; then, "I've been to +the convention, an' I've got through with +that, too, an' I've got home from that, +too."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Why—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing +into a more advanced stage of perplexity, +as she came more fully to herself, +noted more fully her friend's exceedingly +battered appearance, and folding what she +had slipped on well about her, sought her +rocker.</p> + +<p>"I don't know, I'm sure," said Susan, +"it beats me what anybody else does it +for, either. But you must n't ask me questions, +Mrs. Lathrop, partly because I'm too +tired to answer them, an' partly because +I've come over to tell you anyhow an' I +can always talk faster when you don't try +to talk at the same time."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about +of her overgarment, and prepared to hold +her tongue more tightly than ever.</p> + +<p>"In the first place," said Susan, speaking +in the highly uplifted key which we +are all apt to adopt under the stress of +great excitement mixed with great fatigue; +"in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know +as Mrs. Macy insisted on keepin' the badge<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> +'cause she said she wanted to work it into +that pillow she's makin', so I had to get +along with the card as had her number on +it. As a consequence I naturally had a +very hard time, for I could n't find Mrs. +Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe +from the start clear through to the finish. +I can tell you I've had a hard day an' no +one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to +me never again. I'm too full of Women's +Wrongs for my own comfort from now on, +an' the way I've been treated this day +makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem +before I'd ever be a delegate to nothin' +run by women again.</p> + +<p>"In the first place when I got to the +train it was full an' while I was packin' +myself into the two little angles left by a +very fat man, a woman come through an' +stuck a little flag in my bonnet without +my ever noticin' what she done an' that +little flag pretty near did me up right in +the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin' +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>to a Woman's Convention makes you everybody's +business but your own from the +beginnin', an' that little flag as that woman +stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one +as I was a delegate.</p> + +<p>"I set with a very nice lady as asked +me as soon as she see the little flag if I +knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption +from one as has n't. I told her I +did n't an' she talked about that till we +got to town, which made the journey far +from interestin' an' is goin' to make it +very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of +my life. Then we got out an' I got rid of +her, but that did n't help me much, for +I got two others as see the little flag right +off an' they never got off nor let up on me. +I was took to a table as they had settin' +in the station handy, put in their own +private census an' then give two books an' +a map an' seven programs an' a newspaper +an' a rose, all to carry along with my own +things, an' then a little woman with a little +black bag as had noticed the little flag too +took me away, an' said I need n't bother<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> +about a thing for I could go with her an' +welcome.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 438px;"><a name="gs02" id="gs02"></a> +<img src="images/gs02.jpg" width="438" height="724" alt=""'A lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if I was a +delegate or an alternative.'" Page 119" title="" /> +<span class="caption">"'A lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if I was a +delegate or an alternative.'" Page <a href="#Page_119">119</a></span> +</div> + +<p>"I did n't want to go with her, welcome +or not, but they all seemed pleased with +the arrangement, so I went with her, an' +I was more'n a little mad for every time +I dropped the rose or a program, tryin' to +get rid of them, she'd see it an' pick it up +an' give it back to me. We walked a little +ways in that pleasant way an' then she +asked me how I was raisin' my children, +an' I said I did n't have none. She said, +'Oh my, what would Mr. Roosevelt say +to that?' and I said it was n't his affair +nor no other man's. I may in confidence +remark as by this time I was gettin' a little +warm, Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"We come to the convention hall after +a good long walk an' I was quite hot two +ways by that time, for I was mad an' +awful tired too. The little woman left me +then an' a lady come up, looked at my +flag, an' asked me if I was a delegate or +an alternative 'cause it was important to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> +know right off in the beginnin'. I told her +I was for Mrs. Macy an' she got out a book +an' looked in it very carefully to see for +sure whether to believe me or not an' then +she told me to go on in. There was a door +as squeaked an' they pushed me through it +an' I found myself, bag, flag an' all, in the +convention.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never see the +beat of that place in all my life. They'd +done what they could to make it cheerful +an' homelike by paintin' it green at one +end but it was plain to be seen as the paint +soon give out an' towards the top the man +as was paintin' must of give out too, for +he just finished up by doing a few circles +here an' there an' then left it mainly plain. +Below was all chairs an' they'd started to +decorate with banners but they'd given +out on banners even quicker than on paint +an' the most of the hall was most simple.</p> + +<p>"I walked up as far towards the front as +I could an' then I sat down. I can't say as +I was very comfortable nor much impressed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> +an' the folks further back was very restless +an' kept sayin' they could n't hear what +was goin' on on the platform. There was +a lady on the platform hammerin' a table +for dear life an' to my order of thinkin' anybody +must have been deaf as could n't have +heard her hammerin', but she looked happy +an' that was maybe the main thing, for a +woman behind me whispered as the spirit +of her with the hammer just filled the room. +Well, I stood it as long as I could an' then +I got up an' remarked frank an' open as if +every one would keep still every one could +easy hear. They all clapped at that, but +the lady with the hammer could n't seem +to even hear me an' hammered worse than +ever all the while they was clappin'.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to make a long +story short it was n't very interestin'—I +will even in confidence remark as I found +it pretty dull. I read all my seven programs +an' made out as the first day was +give to greetin' an' the next to meetin'. +The next was on trees an' the one after that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> +they was all goin' to drive. An' so on, +an' so on. Then I smelt my rose some, +an' a thorn stuck into my nose some an' +the hammerin' made me very tired an' +finally a woman come in an' said I had her +seat so I give it to her with a glad heart +an' come out, an' I never was happier to +do anythin' in my whole life before. But +I was hardly out when a lady as I had n't +seen yet see my little flag an' pounced on +me an' said was I Miss Clegg? an' I did n't +see nothin' to be gained by sayin' I was n't +so I said Yes, I was.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, that was pretty +near to bein' the beginnin' of my end. +That woman hustled me into a carriage, +give my valise to the driver an' told him +to be quick. I was too dumb did up by +her actions to be able to think of anythin' +to say so I just sit still, an' she pinned a +purple ribbon onto me an' told me she'd +read two of my books an' died laughin' +only to look at me. I was more than +afraid as she was crazy but she talked so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> +fast I could n't even see a chance to open +my mouth so I did n't try.</p> + +<p>"She said when they was gettin' ready +for the convention an' dividin' up celebrities +among themselves that she just took +me right off. She said as she was goin' +to give a lunch for me an' a dinner for me +an' I don't know what all. She was still +talkin' when the carriage stopped at a hotel.</p> + +<p>"She said I must n't mind a hotel much +'cause her husband minded company more, +an' I did n't see any sort of meanin' to her +remark, but David in the lions' den was a +roarin' lion himself compared to me that +minute, so I just walked behind her an' +she took me in an' up in a elevator an' into +a room with a bathroom an' a bouquet an' +there she told me to give her the key of +the valise an' she'd unpack while I was +in the bath tub.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm sure I never +had no idea of needin' a bath that bad when +I set off for the city to-day, an' you'll maybe +be surprised at me bein' so wax about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> +extra washin' in her hands, but I was so +wild to get away from her an' her steady +talk by that time, that I give her the key +an' went into the bathroom an' made up +my mind as I'd try a bath all over at once +for the first time in my life, seein' as there +did n't seem to be nothin' else to do, an' +the tub was handy.</p> + +<p>"So I undressed an' when I was undressed +I begin to look where I was to leap. Well, +Mrs. Lathrop, you never see such a tub as +that tub in all your life before! There +was a hole in the middle of the bottom an' +the more water run in the more water run +out. At first I could n't see how I was +goin' to manage but after a while I figured +it out an' see as there was nothin' for me +to do but to sit on that hole an' paddle like +I was paid for it with both hands at once to +keep from being scalded while the tub filled +from two steady spurts one boilin' an' one of +ice water. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never felt +nothin' like that kind of a bath before!</p> + +<p>"If I tried to wash anywhere as was at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> +all difficult I lost my grip on the hole an' +the water went out with a swish as made +Niagara look like a cow's tail afore I could +possibly get in position again. I was n't +more 'n halfway down my washin' when +the awfulest noise begin outside an' the +convention itself was babes sleepin' in +soothin' syrup compared to whatever was +goin' on in that next room.</p> + +<p>"I tell you I got out of that tub in a +hurry an' rubbed off as best I could with +a very thick towel marked 'Bath' as was +laid on the floor all ready, an' got into my +clothes an' went out.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you may believe +me or not just as you please, but it was +<i>another</i> lady with <i>another</i> delegate with +<i>another</i> purple ribbon an' <i>another</i> little flag. +The ladies was very mad an' the other +delegate was bitin' her lips an' lookin' out +the window. In the end the ladies was so +mad they went down to the telephone an' +left the delegate an' me alone in the room +together.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe +me or not just as you please, but that other +delegate asked me my name an' when I +told her she said it was her name, too. +Then she laughed until she cried an' said +she never hear anythin' to beat us. She +said it was all as clear as day to her an' +that she should write a story about it. +She said about all she got out of life was +writin' stories about it an' she never lost +a chance to make a good one. She said +she wished I'd stay with her an' I could +have half the bed an' half of that same tub +as long as I like.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, the long an' short +of it was as I felt that no matter how kind +she was I would n't never be able to be +happy anywhere where I had to be around +with a woman who talked all the time, an' +sleep in a bed with another Susan Clegg, an' +wash in a tub as you have to stop up with +some of yourself, so I just took my things +an' come home by the noon train an' I'll +stay here one while now, too, I guess."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I was just going to ask you where +you put it," said Miss Clegg, "I shall need +it to get in the back door."</p> + +<p>"It's—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I can get it myself," said her friend, +rising. "Well, good-bye. I won't deny as +I'm mad for my lunch won't be any the +better for ridin' to town an' back this hot +day, but the Lord fits the back to the +burden, so I guess Elijah will be able to +eat it, leastways if he don't he won't get +nothin' else,—I know <i>that</i>, for it was him +as got up the fine idea of sending a delegate +from the sewin' society to the convention +an' I don't thank him none for it, I know +<i>that</i>."</p> + +<p>"You—" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly.</p> + +<p>"I ain't sure," said Miss Clegg. "Elijah +strikes me as more thorns than roses this +night. I never was one to feel a longin' +for new experiences, an' I've had too many +to-day, as he'll very soon learn to his sorrow +when he comes home to-night."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX</h2> + +<p class="center">THE FAR EASTERN TROPICS</p> + + +<p>"You look—" said Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously, +one afternoon, when Susan +Clegg had come around by the gate to +enjoy a spell of mutual sitting and knitting.</p> + +<p>"Well, I am," confessed Susan, unrolling +her ball and drawing a long breath; "I may +tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I +really never was more so. What with +havin' to look after Elijah's washin' an' +his mendin' an' his cookin' an' his room, +an' what with holdin' down his new ideas +an' explainin' to people as he did n't mean +what it sounds like when I ain't been able +to hold 'em down, I do get pretty well wore +out. I can see as Mr. Kimball sees how +Elijah is wearin' on me for he gives me a +chair whenever I go in there now an' that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> +just shows how anxious he is for me to +rest when I can, but it really ain't altogether +Elijah's fault for the way my back +aches to-day, for I got this ache in a way +as you could n't possibly understand, Mrs. +Lathrop, for I got it from sittin' up readin' +a book last night as you or any ordinary +person would of gone to sleep on the second +page of an' slept clear through to the +index; but I was built different from you +an' ordinary persons, Mrs. Lathrop, an' if +I'd thanked the Lord as much as I'd +ought to for that I'd never have had time +to do nothin' else in <i>this</i> world."</p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with +interest.</p> + +<p>"It was a book," said her friend, beginning +to knit assiduously—"a book as a +boy he went to school with sent Mr. Fisher +with a postal card, sayin' as every American +man 'd ought to read it thoughtfully. Mrs. +Fisher took it out of the post office an' read +the postal card, an' she said right off as +she did n't approve of Mr. Fisher's reading<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> +books as every man ought to know, so she +let me have it to bring home an' read till +she gets through makin' over her carpets. +I brought the book home done up to look +like it was a pie, an' I will frankly state, +Mrs. Lathrop, as you could have dropped +me dead out of any balloon when I found +out what it was about. It was n't the kind +of book the postal card would have led you +to suppose a <i>tall</i>—it was about Asia, +Mrs. Lathrop, the far side or the near side, +just accordin' to the way you face to get +the light while you read, an' so far from its +bein' only intended for men it's all right +for any one at all to read as has got the +time. Now that I'm done it an' know +I have n't never got to do it again, I don't +mind telling you in confidence that for a +book as could n't possibly have been meant +to be interestin' it was about as agreeable +readin' as I ever struck in my life. There +was lots in it as was new to me, for it's a +thick book, an' all I knowed about that part +of the world before was as Java coffee comes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> +from Java an' the Philippines from Spain. +But I know it all now, an' Judge Fitch +himself can't tell me nothin' from this day +on that the man who wrote that book +ain't told me first. I'll bet I know more +about what that book 's about than any one +in this community does, an' now that I +know it I see why the man said what he +did on the postal card for it <i>is</i> a book as +every man ought to read, an' I read in the +paper the other day as the main trouble +with the men in America was as they +knowed all about what they did n't know +nothin' about, an' did n't know nothin' +a <i>tall</i> about the rest."</p> + +<p>"What—" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"But I don't see how the man that wrote +it is ever goin' to make any money out of +it," pursued her friend, "for it's pretty +plain as it's every bit written about things +that Americans don't want to really learn +an' what the rest of the world learned long +ago. If I was very patriotic I don't believe +I'd have read it clear through to the end<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> +myself, but I ain't never felt any call to be +patriotic since the boys throwed that firecracker +into my henhouse last Fourth of +July. I will say this for the hen, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' that is that she took the firecracker +a good deal calmer'n I could, for +I was awful mad, an' any one as seed me +ought to of felt what a good American was +spoiled then an' there, for all I asked was +to hit somethin', whether it was him as +throwed the cracker or not an' that's what +Judge Fitch always calls the real American +spirit when he makes them band-stand +speeches of his in the square. Oh my, +though, but I wish you had n't reminded +me of that hen, Mrs. Lathrop, her tail never +will come in straight again I don't believe, +an' she's forever hoppin' off her eggs to +look out of the window since she had that +scare."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop frowned and looked very +sympathetic.</p> + +<p>"But about this book," Susan went on +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>after a second of slightly saddened reflection. +"I'm goin' to tell you all about it. +Elijah 's goin' to write a editorial about it, +too. Elijah says this business of downtreadin' +our only colony has got to be +stopped short right now as soon as he can +call the government's attention to how to +do it.</p> + +<p>"Well, the book begins very mild an' +pleasant with Hongkong an' it ends with +the Philippine accounts. Seems Hongkong +ain't Chinese for all it's named that an' +growed there—it's English—an' as for +the Philippines there's eight millions of +'em, not countin' the wild ones as they +can't catch to count an' ask questions. In +between Hongkong an' the Philippines the +man who wrote the book runs around that +part of the world pretty lively an' tells who +owns it an' what kind of roads they've got +an' who'd better govern 'em an' all like +that. You might think from hearin' me as +he sort of put on airs over knowin' so much +himself, but it don't sound that way a <i>tall</i> +in the book. It's when he finally got to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> +the Philippines as any one can see as he +really did begin to enjoy himself. He +enjoyed himself so much that he really +made me enjoy myself, too, although I +can't in reason deny as I felt as I might not +of been quite so happy only for that firecracker. +The kind of things he says about +our doin's in those countries is all what you +don't get in the papers nor no other way, +an' if the United States really feels they're +in the right as to how they're actin' all +they need to do is to read how wrong they +are in that book where a man as really knows +what he's talkin' about has got it all set +down in black an' white. I don't believe +it's generally knowed here in America as +Dewey took Aguinaldo an' his guns over +to Manila an' give him his first start at +fightin' an' called him 'general' for a long +time after they'd decided in Washington +as how he was n't nothin' but a rebel after +all. I never knowed anythin' about that, +an' I will remark as I think there's many +others as don't know it, neither, an' I may<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> +in confidence remark to you, Mrs. Lathrop, +as that book leads me to think as the main +trouble with the Philippines is as they are +bein' run by folks as don't know anythin' +about the place they're runnin' an' don't +know nothin' about runnin' for anythin' +but places. The man in the book says the +Philippines ain't very well off being pacified, +an' that the Americans ain't no great +success pacifyin' 'em, for it seems as they +made five thousand expeditions after 'em +in one year, an' only got hold of five +thousand natives in all. That's a expedition +to a man, an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, +as it's small wonder we're taxed an' they're +taxed, with some of our new fellow citizens +as hard to grab as that. To my order of +thinkin' it'd be wisest to let 'em chase +each other for ten or twenty years first an' +then when they was pretty well thinned +out we could step in an' settle with the +survivors; but accordin' to the man who +wrote the book you can't never tell a +American nothin', an' I must say that my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> +own experience in this community has +proved as he knows what he's sayin' all +straight enough. He says the Philippines +is in a very bad way, an' so is their roads, +but he says that all the folks in this country +is so dead satisfied with their way an' poor +roads that they ain't goin' to do nothin' +to help either along any."</p> + +<p>"Did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"He says," continued Susan, "that the +United States is just so happy sittin' back +an' observin' the Philippines, an' the Philippines +is so far off that if they die of +starvation while being observed no one'll +ever be the wiser. He says the United +States is payin' for the army, an' the +Philippines is tryin' to live with it, an' +seein' as they don't work much an' the +Chinese is forbidden to work for 'em, he +don't see no help nowhere. What he said +about the Chinese was very interestin', +for I never see one close to, an' it seems +they're a clean race only for likin' to raise +pigs in their garrets. It seems, too, as if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> +you let 'em into any country they'll work +very hard an' live very cheap an' pay most +of the taxes with the duty on opium as +they've got to eat, an' games as they've +got to play."</p> + +<p>"I sh'd think—" said Mrs. Lathrop, +looking startled.</p> + +<p>"Well, I should, too," said Susan, "but +accordin' to the book the Philippines ain't +to be allowed any such luxury as havin' +the Chinese to develop their country an' +pay their taxes. No sir, they've all got +to go to school an' learn English first, an' +although he says right out plain that the +Philippines needs Chinese an' good roads +a deal worse 'n they need the army an' the +schools, still it's the army an' the schools +as America is going to give them, an' they +can get along without the roads an' the +Chinese as best they can. They certainly +must be gettin' a good deal of schoolin', +but the man says all the teachers teach is +English, an' as none of the children can +speak English they don't get much learned.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> +I thought I could sort of see that he thought +we 'd ought to of straightened out the South +of our own country afore we begun on any +other part of the world, an' it <i>is</i> the other +half of the world, too, Mrs. Lathrop, for I +looked it up on a map an' it begins right +under Japan an' then twists off in a direction +as makes you wonder how under the +sun we come to own it anyway, an' if we +did accidentally get it hooked on to us by +Dewey's having too much steam up to be +able to stop himself afore he'd run over +the other fleet, we'd ought anyway to be +willin' to give it away like you do the +kittens you ain't got time to drown. The +whole back of the book is full of figures to +prove as it's the truth as has been told in +front, but the man who wrote it didn't +think much of even the figures in the +Philippines for he says they put down some +of what they spend in Mexican money an' +some in American an' don't tell what they +spend the most of it for in either case. He +says he met some very nice men there an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> +they was workin' the best they knew how +but they did n't think things were goin' +well themselves an' it's plain to be seen +that he spoke of 'em just like you give a +child a cooky after a spankin'. What +interested me most was there's a Malay +country over there as the English began +on twenty-five years ago an' have got +railroaded an' telegraphed an' altogether +civilized now, an' we've had the Philippines +ten years an' ain't even got the live ones +quieted down yet."</p> + +<p>"What do you—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, +earnestly.</p> + +<p>"Oh," said her friend, "I ain't never had +no ideas on the Philippine question since +Judge Fitch got his brother made a captain +in the war just because he was tired supportin' +him. Mr. Kimball said then as +all wars was just got up to use up the +folks as respectable people did n't want to +have around no longer an' I must say as +I believe him. Mr. Weskin told me as it's +been quietly knowed around for hundreds<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> +of years as the crusades was a great success +as far as gettin' 'em off was concerned just +for that very reason, an' I guess we're +hangin' on to the Philippines because it's +a place a good long ways off to send poor +relations after good salaries. The man who +wrote the book said a man did n't need +to know hardly anythin' to go there an' +I must say from what I see of the few who +have come back they don't look like they +spent much spare time studyin' up while +they was in the country."</p> + +<p>Susan stopped knitting suddenly and +stuck her needles into the ball.</p> + +<p>"I've got to go home," she said. "I've +just remembered as I forgot to fill the tea-kettle. +Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we've had a +nice talk about our foreign possessions an' +all I can say in the end is as that whole +book made me feel just like we'd all ought +to get to feel as quick as we can. Lots of +things in this world might be better only +the people that could change 'em don't +often feel inclined that way, an' the people<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> +who'd like to have a change ain't the ones as +have got any say. If I was a Philippine I'd +want a Chinaman to do my work an' I'd +feel pretty mad that folks as had so many +niggers an' Italians that they did n't need +Chinamen should say I could n't have 'em +neither. I'd feel as if I knowed what was +best for me an' I would n't thank a lot of +men in another part of the world for sittin' +down on my ideas. However, there's one +thing that comforted me very much in the +book. All the countries around <i>is</i> run, an' +pretty well run too, by other countries an' +if the Philippines get too awful tired of +being badly run by us all those of 'em as +know anythin' can easy paddle across to +some of them well run countries in the front +half of the book to live, an' as for the +rest—"</p> + +<p>Susan stopped short. Mrs. Lathrop was +sound asleep!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X</h2> + +<p class="center">THE EVILS OF DELAYED DECEASE</p> + + +<p>"I ain't been doin' my duty by Mrs. +Macy lately," said Susan Clegg to +Mrs. Lathrop; "I declare to goodness I've +been so did up with the garden an' Elijah +an' house cleanin' this last two weeks that +I don't believe I've even thought of the +other side of the crick since I begun. I +ain't seen Mrs. Macy either an' maybe +that's one reason why I ain't done nothin' +about her, but it ain't surprisin' as I ain't +seen her for she ain't been here—she's +been over in Meadville stayin' with the +Lupeys, an' I must say I'm right put out +with Elijah for not puttin' it in the paper +so I'd of knowed it afore. The idea of +Mrs. Macy bein' in Meadville for over a +week an' me not hearin' of it is a thing as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> +makes me feel as maybe when Gabriel +blows his horn I'll just merely sit up an' +say, 'Did you call?' But anyway she's been +away an' she's got back, an' when I heard +it in the square to-day I did n't mince up +no matters none but I just set my legs in +her direction an' walked out there as fast +as I could. It does beat all how many +changes can come about in two weeks!—four +more pickets has been knocked off +the minister's fence an' most every one has +hatched out their chickens since I was +that way last, but I was n't out picketin' +or chickenin'; I was out after Mrs. Macy +an' I just kept a-goin' till I got to her."</p> + +<p>"Was she—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, she was," replied Susan, "an' thank +the most kind an' merciful Heavens, there +was n't no one else there, so she an' I +could just sit down together, an' it was n't +nothin' but joy for her to tell me hide an' +hair an' inside out of her whole visit. She +got back day before yesterday an' she +had n't even unpacked her trunk yet she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> +was that wore out; you can judge from +that how wore out she really is, for you +know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as when +Mrs. Macy is too wore out to dive head +over heels into things, whether her own or +other folks', she's been pretty well beat +down to the ground. She was mighty +glad to see me, though, even if she did n't +come to the door, but only hollered from +a chair, an' I don't know as I ever had a +nicer call on her, for she went over everythin' +inside out an' hind side before, an' +it was nothin' but a joy for me to listen, +for it seems she had a pretty sad visit first +an' last what with being specially invited +to sit up an' watch nights with Mrs. Kitts +an' then stay to the funeral—"</p> + +<p>"Funeral!" cried Mrs. Lathrop,—"I +nev—"</p> + +<p>"For after bein' specially invited to help +lay her out an' go to the funeral," Susan repeated +calmly, "Mrs. Kitts did n't die a <i>tall</i>."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" said Mrs. Lathrop, terminating the +whole of a remark, for once.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> + +<p>"No," said Susan, "an' every one else +feels the same as you do about it, too, but +it seems as it was n't to be this time. Mrs. +Macy says as she never went through +nothin' to equal these ten days dead or +alive, an' she hopes so help her heaven to +never sit up with anybody as has got anythin' +but heart disease or the third fit of +apoplexy hereafter. Why, she says Mr. +Dill's eleven months with Mrs. Dill flat on +her back was a child playin' with a cat an' +a string in comparison to what the Lupeys +an' her have been goin' through with Mrs. +Kitts these ten days. She says all Meadville +is witness to the way she's skinned +'em down to the bone. Mrs. Dill was give +up by a doctor like a Christian, an' after +the eleven months she <i>did</i> die, but Mrs. +Kitts has been give up over an' over by +doctor after doctor till there ain't one in +the whole place as ain't mad at her about +it; an' there she is livin' yet! Mrs. Macy +says Mrs. Lupey is so wore out she can't +talk of nothin' else. Mrs. Lupey feels very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> +bitter over it; she says it's all of six years +now since they turned the X-rays through +her (an' Mrs. Macy says as Mrs. Lupey says +she could sit right down an' cry to think +how much them X-rays cost an' how little +good they done), an' she says it's three +years come April Fool's since old Dr. Carter +tried her lungs with his new kinetoscope +an' found 'em full of air an' nothin' else. +Mrs. Lupey says she's always had so much +faith in old Dr. Carter an' she had faith in +him then, an' was so sweet an' trustin' +when he come with the machine, an' after +he was done she fully believed his word +of honor as to everythin', an' that was +why they went an' bought her that bell +an' oh heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I only +wish you <i>could</i> hear Mrs. Macy on Mrs. +Kitts' bell! It seems that kind of bell +is a new invention an' as soon as any one is +give up for good the doctor as gives 'em +up sends a postal to the man as keeps 'em, +an' then the man sends it for three days on +trial an' then the family buy it, because it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> +lets 'em all sleep easy. Well, Mrs. Macy +says it's the quietest lookin' small thing +you ever see, but she says Great Scott, +Holy Moses, an' ginger tea, the way it +works! You only need to put your hand +on it an' just stir it an' it unhooks inside +like one of them new patent mouse traps +as catch you ten times to every once they +catch a mouse, an' then it begins to ring +like a fire alarm an' bang like the Fourth of +July, an' it don't never stop itself again +until some one as is perfectly healthy comes +tearin' barefoot from somewhere to turn +it over an' hook it up an' get Mrs. Kitts +whatever she wants."</p> + +<p>"I should—" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I guess they would, too," said Susan; +"I guess they'd be only too glad to. Why, +Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as it was +all they could do to live in the house with +her mother when she did n't have nothin' +but a stick to pound on the floor with, but +she says since she's got that bell—! +Well! Mrs. Macy says as they're all four<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> +worn into just frazzles with it, an' Judy is +got so nervous with it going off sudden +when Busby an' she is thinkin' about other +things that she begins twitchin' the minute +the bell begins ringin' an' they've had to +hire a electric battery to soothe her with +while Faith an' Maria is racin' for the bell. +Mrs. Macy says it's somethin' just awful +first, last, an' forever, an' Mrs. Lupey told +her in confidence as it was Heaven's own +truth as they had n't none of them woke +of their own accords once since it was +bought."</p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Macy says she's a pretty +good judge of sick folks an' she judged +Mrs. Kitts for all she was worth, an' she +could n't feel as she ought in politeness to +say anythin' 'cause the Lupeys sent her +the round-trip ticket to go an' come back +with. But she says just between her an' +me an' not to let it go any further, that to +<i>her</i> order of thinkin' (an' she'll take her +Bible oath to it anywhere) Mrs. Kitts<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> +looks like one of those oldest survivor kinds +as they print in the city Sunday papers +every week. She says she ain't got the +quiet, give-up manner of a person as is +really quiet an' really givin' up—she's +got the spry air of a person as likes to keep +the whole family jumpin' quick whenever +they speak. She says Mrs. Lupey says as +she really does get awful low just often +enough to keep their courage up, but Mrs. +Macy says Mrs. Lupey is easy fooled because +them's the sort as outlives all their families +in the end always. But seems as her gettin' +low an' then raisin' up again ain't the only +tough part for it seems as she was so low +last fall that they really felt safe to send +Maria up to the city to buy their mournin' +at a bargain sale for there's four of 'em +an' they want the veils thick so they'll +look sorry from the outside anyhow. And +Maria did go, an'— Well, Mrs. Lathrop, +I will say as to hear about it all does go +through one even if it ain't my personal +crape! Seems as the clerk asked Maria<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> +if it was for a deep family mournin' or just +a light friendly mournin', an' Maria told +him it was <i>goin'</i> to be for her grandmother. +Seems he was n't very polite about it, +coughed a good deal behind his hand an' +such doin's, until Maria got real vexed an' +so mad over thinkin' as maybe it was n't +all coughin' as he was keepin' his hand +over that she lost her wits an' went to +work an' bought most twice the crape she +needed just to show him as she was n't +tryin' to save nothin' on her grandmother, +whatever <i>he</i> might think. So now Mrs. +Macy says, added to Mrs. Kitts an' the +bell they've got the care of all that crape +on their hands, an' the damp gathers in +it just awful on rainy days, an' of course +no Christian can sun twenty yards of crape +on their clothesline when the dead person +ain't died yet, so they're wild over that, +too. They've made their skirts themselves, +an' they wanted to do their waists, +only what with the way sleeves is puffin' +out an' slimmin' up an' fronts is first<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> +hangin' over an' then hookin' down, the +back it just does seem out of the question. +They've worried a lot over the veils since +they was bought 'cause they wanted to get +into 'em last winter so as to get out of 'em +by last spring, an' then even when Mrs. +Kitts rallied from her Christmas dinner, +they thought maybe they could still be +out of 'em by the Fourth of July; but +now—Heavens! Mrs. Macy says they +don't ask to get out of 'em any more; all +they ask is to get <i>into</i> 'em, an' goodness +knows when that is <i>ever</i> goin' to happen. +She says Mrs. Lupey says what with Judy's +divorce an' Mrs. Kitts livin' right along +she's going to get moths into her things +for the first time in her life, she just knows +she is. It's a pretty hard case any one +can see, an' of course seein' Mrs. Kitts live +like that may get Busby Bell all out of the +notion of marryin' Judy, for of course no +man ain't goin' to like to look forward to +Mrs. Lupey's livin' like that too, maybe—or +maybe Judy 'll live herself—you never<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> +can tell. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says +she never guessed as sorrow could come so +near to breakin' your back as losin' a grandmother +is breakin' theirs. She says when +she's really lost it won't be so bad 'cause +they can all put on their crape veils an' go +straight to bed an' to sleep, but she says +this long drawn out losin' of her with that +bell throwed into the bargain is somethin' +calculated to make a saint out of a Chinaman, +an' nothin' more nor less."</p> + +<p>"Why—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I tell you, they <i>can't</i>," said Susan; +"they want to bad enough, but they can't +do it. Mrs. Kitts is too smart for that. +She keeps her eagle eye on it awake, an' +her whole hand on the little string when +she's asleep, an' drums 'em up to know +if the clock is really right, or if she feels +anyways disposed to smell of cologne. +Some nights she rolls on the string in her +sleep, an' then the bell wakes her along +with the rest of 'em, which Mrs. Macy says +is a-doin' more aggravatin' to the Lupeys<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> +than any words can do justice to. Mrs. +Macy says as she really does believe that +if Mrs. Kitts took a fancy to oysters in +August she'd be fully equal to ringin' that +bell for 'em till September came an' they +could get 'em for her. She says it would +be just like her, she does declare. Mrs. +Macy says she sit with Mrs. Kitts considerable +an' Mrs. Kitts was very pleasant to +her, an' give her two pair of black lace +mitts an' a pin, but she found out afterwards +as the mitts was Mrs. Lupey's an' +the pin was Maria's, so after that she see +just how the family felt about her an' her +ways. Mrs. Macy says the whole thing is +a tragedy right out of Shakespeare an' the +only pleasant thing about her whole visit +was as it did n't cost her nothin'."</p> + +<p>"Did she—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about that. +She see him four times. I don't know as +she wants it generally known, but I wanted +to know about it so I got it out of her. It +does beat all, Mrs. Lathrop, how a woman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> +of Mrs. Macy's sense, with a income that's +only a little too small to get along on, can +want to marry any man again. But she +seems kind of crazy on the idea, an' if it +ain't Mr. Dill, it's goin' to be Dr. Carter, +or bu'st, with her. She says she went to +his office just to let him know she was in +Meadville, an' then she see him on the +street, an' then she went to his office again +to ask him his real opinion of Mrs. Kitts, +an' then just before she left she went to +his office again to let him know as she was +goin' to come back here. So she see him +four times in all."</p> + +<p>"What did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, he told her as he would n't be surprised +if any of 'em died any day. That +is, any of 'em except Mrs. Kitts. He did n't +seem to think as Mrs. Kitts would ever die."</p> + +<p>"What do—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I saw there was nothin' else as +Mrs. Macy could talk about just now so +I come home an' then I come over here. I +declare though, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't help<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> +bein' a little blue to-night. Of course I +ain't any real relation to you, but we've +been neighbors so long that I can't help +feelin' a little bit uneasy over thinkin' of +Mrs. Kitts an' wonderin' how long you +may be goin' to live in the end."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI</h2> + +<p class="center">THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY</p> + + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Susan +Clegg one pleasant May evening, +as she and her devoted listener leaned their +elbows on the top rail of the fence, "I can't +but thank Heaven as these boards is the +only thing as you ever take opposite sides +from me on. I don't say as your never +disagreein' ain't sometimes wearin', but +there <i>are</i> days as I feel I'd enjoy a little +discussion an' then Elijah an' I discuss on +those days till it seems like I can't live to +get to you an' do it all alone by myself. +Elijah's a very young man but he's a man +after all an' there's somethin' about a man +as makes him not able to see any side of +anythin' except his own side. Now it +don't make any difference what we talk<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> +about I <i>always</i> take the other side, an' I +will in confidence remark as the South +fightin' Grant had a easy job compared to +me tryin' to get Elijah to see any side but +his own. Elijah's a very pig-headed young +man an' I declare I don't know I'm sure +what ailed him last night—seemed as if +he was up a tree about somethin' as made +him just wild over the Democratic party. +I must say—an' I said it to his face, too—as +to my order of thinkin' takin' sides +about the Democrats nowadays is like +takin' sides with Pharaoh after the Red +Sea had swallowed him an' all his chariots +up forever, but Elijah never gives up to +no man, an' he said, not so, the Democrats +was still ready to be the salvation of the +country if only Bryan would give 'em a +chance. He says they 've been handicapped +so far an' it's very tryin' for any party to +have to choose between a donkey an' a +tiger for its picture of itself, for no sensible +person likes to have to ride on either, an' +no politics could <i>ever</i> make a success of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> +donkey for a mascot, whether you judge +him from his ears or his heels. I had it +in my mind to say somethin' then about +turnin' around an' takin' a fresh start with +a fresh animal as a sensible person would +find it nothin' but a joy to ride, but Elijah, +like all newspapers, rips a thing up the +back an' then shows you how you can't +do better than to sew up the tear an' go on +wearin' it again, so after he'd skinned the +donkey an' the tiger both alive, so to speak, +he went on to say as never's a long game +an' him laughs best who keeps sober longest +an' altogether his own feelin' was as +America 'll soon perceive her only hope +lays in electin' a new Democratic party. +I just broke in then an' told him it looked +to me as if the natural run of mankind +would n't let Grover Cleveland skip eight +years an' then try it again more 'n six +times more, an' that if the Republicans +keep it up as they have awhile longer no +money won't be able to get 'em out 'cause +they'll have all the money there is in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> +country right in with them, but by that +time Elijah'd got his breath, an' he just +shook his head an' asked me if I remembered +what a lot of fuss the first billion dollar +congress made an' if I'd observed how +calm they was took now? I told him I +had an' then we went at it hammer an' +tongs, Elijah for the Democrats an' me +against 'em, although I must say I wished +he'd give me the other side, for in spite of +their actin' so silly I must say I always +have a feelin' as the most of the Democrats +is tryin' to be honest which is somethin' +as even their best friend couldn't say of +the most of the Republicans as a general +thing."</p> + +<p>"Did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I did, an' I don't know but we'd +be talkin' yet only Mr. Dill come in on us to +ask me if I would n't consider takin' Gran'ma +Mullins to board for a month or two, +just to see how Hiram an' Lucy would get +along if they had the house all alone to +themselves."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I told him I'd think about it," +said Miss Clegg. "I don't know I'm sure +why I should bed an' board Gran'ma +Mullins to help Lucy an' Hiram to try to +get along any better. They 're a good deal +more interestin' to talk about the way +they're gettin' along now. I never see +Mrs. Macy but what she has somethin' +amusin' to tell me about Hiram an' Lucy +an' Gran'ma Mullins, an' I like to hear it. +She says the other night they was all three +runnin' round the house one after another +for a hour an' she said she most died laughin' +to watch 'em. Seems Lucy got mad an' +started to run after Hiram to pull his hair, +an' Gran'ma Mullins was so scared for fear +she <i>would</i> pull his hair that she run after +Lucy to ask her not to do it. Hiram run +so much faster than Lucy that finally he +caught up with Gran'ma Mullins an' then +they all went to bed. Mrs. Macy says +that's the way they act all the time, an' +she certainly would n't see any more than<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> +I should why I should break up the family. +I'm sure I never cooked up that marriage +an' I told Mr. Dill so. I asked him why +he did n't take Gran'ma Mullins to board +with him, if he was so wild to get her away +from Lucy, but he said he did n't think it'd +be proper, an' I said I did n't say nothin' +about <i>bed</i>—I just spoke about board, +an' if there was anythin' as was n't proper +about boardin' Gran'ma Mullins he'd ought +not to of mentioned the subject to me."</p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, there was n't nothin' left for him +to say then, of course; but law! I did n't +see no use mooley-cowin' around Mr. Dill; +what I wanted was for him to go so Elijah +an' me could go on discussin'. Elijah +thinks our paper ought to come out strong +now that we've got one an' he said he would +in confidence remark to me as he intended +to say some very pointed things soon. He +says all the editors in the country know +as the plans an' the parties is all fixed +up beforehand nowadays; the Republicans<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> +say how many they'll have in each state +an' then they never fail to have 'em an' +that's a national disgrace for nobody ought +to know beforehand how a election is goin' +to pan out for it would n't be possible if +folks was anyways honest. He says for +a carefully planned an' worked up thing +a Republican victory is about the tamest +surprise as this country ever gets nowadays, +an' yet we keep on gettin' them an' openin' +our eyes over 'em every four years like +they was somethin' new.</p> + +<p>"I bu'st in then an' said as there was +sure to come a change afore long with +prices goin' up like they is an' a reaction +bound to drop in the end. Elijah laughed +then an' said he knowed well enough as +when the deluge come the Republicans +would grab the Democrats an' hold 'em just +like that rich man who grabbed the clerk +an' held him in front of him, when they +throwed that bomb at him in his office."</p> + +<p>"At the—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, opening +her eyes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes, the bomb was meant for him, but +he held the clerk in front of him so the +clerk caught it all. That's what they call +presence of mind, an' as far as my observation 's +extended, Mrs. Lathrop, the Republicans +have got full as much of it—they +must have, for they both make money +right straight along an' I've observed myself +as they always step out when a crash +comes an' let the Democrats in to do the +economizin' till there's enough money saved +up to make it worth while for them to take +hold again which comes to much the same +thing in the end. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, +I see after a little as it was n't no use +talkin' to Elijah so I just had to listen to +him an' he really did kind of frighten me +in the end. Livin' with an editor an' +readin' that book of Mr. Fisher's has opened +my eyes to a many new ideas. I've lived +in a small town all my life but I've got +brains an' there's no use denyin' as a +woman with brains can apply 'em to the +president just as easy as to the minister,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> +once she gets to thinkin' on the subject. +This country is in a very bad way an' it's +all owin' to our bein' satisfied with what's +told us an' not lookin' into nothin' for +ourselves. We've got the Philippines now +an' we've got Hawaii an' we've got the +niggers an' we've got ever so many other +things. We've got the Mormons down +to one wife as a general thing an' the +Italians comin' in by the thousands an' +more old soldiers bein' born every year an' +the fifth generation of Revolutionary orphans +out filin' their pensions—an' we +owe 'em all to the Republicans. Elijah +says we owe 'em a lot else, too, but I think +that's enough in all conscience. Elijah +says too it costs a third more to live than +it did ten years ago an' he knows that for +a fact, an' you an' I know that, too, Mrs. +Lathrop. Coal's gone up an' everythin' +else. I tell you I got kind of blue, thinkin' +about it after I went to bed last night an' +it took me a long time to remember as +Elijah was maybe more upset over not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> +bein' able to go an' see 'Liza Em'ly on +account of the rain, than anythin' else; +but then too, Mr. Shores is very much +cast down over the country, only I must +admit as it's more 'n likely as he ain't +really half as mournful over the Democrats +as he is over his wife; an' then there's +Judge Fitch as is always mad over politics +an' we all know that that's just 'cause he's +always been called 'judge' ever since he +was born, an' nobody ain't never made +him judge of nothin' bigger 'n us yet. I +guess if he was sure as our paper could get +him elected to congress he'd cheer up +pretty quick, but he told me yesterday as +Elijah did n't know how to conduct a +campaign to his order of thinkin'. He +don't like that cut of Elijah's being David +to the city papers bein' Goliath. He says a +cut to do him any good had ought to have +him in it somewhere an' I don't know but +what he's right.</p> + +<p>"But, Mrs. Lathrop, we are mighty bad +off an' that's a fact, but still I will say this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> +much an' that is that as far as my observation 's +extended folks as complains openly +of anythin' is always findin' fault with the +thing because there's some secret thing as +they can't find fault openly with, like +Elijah an' the rain, an' Mr. Shores an' his +wife. The world's great for takin' its +private miseries out publicly in some other +direction, an' my own feelin' is as the +Democrats is a great comfort to every one +as the Republicans can't very conveniently +give nothin' to these days. If the president +was to suddenly make Sam Duruy a +minister to somewhere there'd be a great +change of opinion as to politics in this town, +you'd see. It would n't give Sam any +more brains, but every one 'd be pleased an' +the Democrats would n't cut no figure +no more."</p> + +<p>"But—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"That's just it," said Susan, "that's +just the trouble. We're like most of the +rest of America an' the whole of Cuba an' +the Philippines, too little an' too far off<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> +to make the big folks really care whether +we like the way they do or not. I don't +have no idea of carin' whether potato bugs +mind bein' picked or not, an' no matter +what they said about me before or after +their pickin' it 'd be all one to me. An' +that's just about the way our government +feels about us. An' I guess most other +governments is much the same. Which +is probably the reason why potato bugs is +gettin' worse an' thicker all the time."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII</h2> + +<p class="center">THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY</p> + + +<p>As Susan set the basket down it began +to squawk.</p> + +<p>"I don't care," she said, "let it squawk!"</p> + +<p>"But what—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in +whose kitchen Susan had set the basket +down and in whose kitchen chair Susan +was now sitting herself down.</p> + +<p>"Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I +guess it's made trouble enough for others +so that I may in all confidence feel to set +a little while without troublin' about it +myself. I look upon it that I was very +kind to take it anyhow, not havin' no idea +how it'll agree with the chickens when it +comes to eatin' with them or with me +when it comes to me eatin' it, for you know +as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> +Lathrop, but still a friend is a friend, an' +in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the least her +friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins +to stay with her an' for me to take the +duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit +up with a under-the-weather neighbor, but +she said she could <i>not</i> take a duck on her +mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for +I will in confidence remark, Mrs. Lathrop, +as you only need to be in the room with +that duck two minutes to see as the Prodigal +Son was fully an' freely whipped in +comparison to the way as he's been dealt +with."</p> + +<p>"I really—" protested Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't know but it <i>will</i> be savin' +of breath in the end," said Miss Clegg, and +thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking +basket, bore it into the next room, and +coming out, shut the connecting door +firmly behind her.</p> + +<p>"Where under the—" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"It's really quite a long story," returned<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> +her friend; "but I come in just to tell +you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an' +it begun when she went in town yesterday +mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an' +I will say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials +right along one after another I never hear +of an' to see her sittin' there now in her +carpet slippers with a capsicum plaster to +her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin' her +tea every minute she ain't makin' her +toast is enough to make any one as is as +soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any +duck whether it's spoiled or not. An' so +I took this duck."</p> + +<p>"Well, I—" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"You think not now," said Susan, "but +you soon will when I tell you, for as I said +before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm +goin' to begin right off. It's a long story +an' one as 'll take time to tell, but you know +me an' you know as I always take time to +tell you everythin' so you can rely on +gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this; +an' you'll get it fresh from the spout too,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> +for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an' +Mrs. Macy's so fresh from her trials that +they was still holdin' the plaster on to her +when I left."</p> + +<p>"But—" expostulated the listener.</p> + +<p>"Well, now this is how it was," said Miss +Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'way back in the +beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for +it's very needful to have it straight so as +to understand just why she is so nigh to +half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as +gets mad easy, an' so it's well for us as has +got to live in the same town with her to +well an' clearly learn just how much it +takes to use her up.</p> + +<p>"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday +mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go to town +to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was +goin' to take lunch with Busby Bell's +cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at +the Lupeys' in Meadville, 'cause they only +live three-quarters of an hour from town +on two changes of the electric, an' Mrs. +Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any time she or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> +her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd +be nothin' but happy to have 'em drop in +on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' her +husband's sister, too, so company was n't +no work for her herself. Well, Mrs. Macy +was goin' to the city an' so she looked up +the address an' made up her mind to go +there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address +on one side of the piece of paper as she had in +her black bag an' she wrote her shoes on the +other side, for she says they're a new kind +of shoes as is warranted not to pinch you in +the back, by every magazine an' newspaper—an' +<i>you</i> know what Mrs. Macy is on bein' +pinched; why, she says she give up belts +an' took to carpet slippers just for the very +reason as she could <i>not</i> stand bein' pinched +nowhere.</p> + +<p>"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis +shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how any one +could remember 'em off of paper <i>she</i> can't +see anyhow, an' Luther Stott's wife lives +2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an' that was +very important too, for there's seven other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> +Eleventh Avenues in the city besides eight +Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part +of the city is laid out that way so as to +make it simple to them as knows where +they live anyhow.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her +bonnet as happy as any one looks to be +afore they know they're goin' to be the +first to have a new invention tried on 'em +an' then she locked up her house an' set +off. She says she never was great on new +inventions for she's lived under a lightnin' +rod for pretty near forty years an' never +come anywhere nigh to be struck once yet, +but she says she has now learned to her +sorrow as bein' fooled by a lightnin' rod +man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein' +fooled by a minister for forty years ahead, +for she says she'll lose her guess if this last +foolin' don't last forty years or even longer +if she lives that long, an' make her wear +her felt slippers all the forty years too.</p> + +<p>"Well, she says of course you might +know as it would be the minister as done<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> +her up first on this day of misery, an' it +<i>was</i> the minister! She says after that +donation party to fix him out with new +shirts last week she surely looked to be +spared any further inflictions from him +for one while; she says the idea as the +congregation is expected to shirt the minister +was surely most new to her, an' she was +dead set against it at first, but she says +she come to the fore an' was one to help +make him the six when she see as it was +expected to be her duty as a Christian, but +she says she surely hoped when she hemmed +the tail of the last one as she'd seen the +last of him for a good breathin' spell.</p> + +<p>"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't +to be, an' so she learned to her keen an' +pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she +was n't more 'n fairly on her way to town +when she run square up to him on the +bridge an' as a result was just in time to be +the first for him to try his new memory +system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins +an' me with tears in her eyes an' her felt<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> +slippers solemnly crossed on top of each +other, as she can not see why it had to be +her of all people an' her shoes of all things, +for she says—an' I certainly felt to agree, +Mrs. Lathrop—as if there's anythin' on +the wide earth as you <i>don't</i> want to apply +a memory system to it's your shoes, for +shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new +memory system of the minister's is a thing +as he got out of a Sunday School magazine +in reward for workin' out a puzzle. Seems +you guess big cities till their capital letters +spell 'Memory,' an' then you send the +answers to the magazine an' a dollar for +postage an' packin' an' then they send you +the memory system complete in one book +for nothin' a <i>tall</i>. Or you can add in a +two-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but +the minister guessed 'cause he felt as in +his circumstances he had n't ought to waste +even two cents! Seems as they had a +most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti +for the 'Y,' an' for a while they was most<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> +afraid they'd have to be reckless with two +cents, but they got it in the end an' sent +'em all off, an' the book come back with a +injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no one +stamped on every page. Seems it come +back day before yesterday an' the minister +sat up most of the night commemoratin' +the theory, an' then Mrs. Macy says he +just got it into him in time for Fate to let +him go an' be flung at her right on the +bridge! She says she was n't no more +mistrustin' trouble than any one does when +they meet a loose minister out walkin' an' +she says she can't well see how any woman +meetin' a man across a bridge can be +blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped +a new principle an' is dyin' to apply it to +the first thing handy.</p> + +<p>"She says he asked her where she was +goin' an' she told him frank an' open as +she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes +as was warranted not to pinch. She says +he asked her what kind of shoes they was +an' she opened her little bag an' got out<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> +the paper an' read him as they was Kulosis +shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote +down an' she told him as she had it wrote +down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe +get pinched again.</p> + +<p>"Well, she says she was standin' sideways +an' was n't watchin' particular, so +she was n't in no state to suspect nothin' +when he told her as she could easy throw +that piece of paper away an' go to town +without it. She says she told him as she +knowed that she could easy throw the piece +of paper away an' go to town without it, +but how was she to remember her shoes +which was the reason why she was takin' +the piece of paper along with her? Then +she says as he said as he'd show her how +to remember her shoes an' welcome an' +she says as she thought as long as it was +welcome she might as well stand still, so +she did.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me +or not just as you please, but the first thing +he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> +her of, which struck her as most strange +in the start out. But she told him as it +did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an' +let it go at that, an' she says it was plain +as then he had to think of somethin' as it +<i>could</i> remind somebody of, an' she says +he certainly did have to think a long while +an' when he said finally as it reminded <i>him</i> +of four noses.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she +never heard the beat of that in all her born +days, an' her mind went back to her childhood +days an' a uncle she had, an' the +Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'd +surely been drinkin'; she says she was so +took aback that he see it in her face an' +told her right then an' there as it was a +memory system. Seems as the key to the +whole is as you must reduce everythin' +to Mother Goose so as not to need the brains +as you've growed since, an' the minister +told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple +to apply. He went on to ask her what did +four noses remind her of, an' she says she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> +thought she see the whole game at that +an' told him as quick as scat that they +reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my, +seems that ain't the way it goes a <i>tall</i>, an' +he begin an' explained it all over again, +an' where he come out in the end was as +four noses would just naturally remind +any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy +of 'Two legs sat upon three legs.' You +know the rhyme in Mother Goose where +the dog is four legs an' gets the mutton +as is one leg in the man's lap?</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 458px;"><a name="gs03" id="gs03"></a> +<img src="images/gs03.jpg" width="458" height="754" alt=""'Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at that.'" Page 179." title="" /> +<span class="caption">"'Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at that.'" Page <a href="#Page_179">179</a>.</span> +</div> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe +understand as Mrs. Macy was just about +plum paralyzed at <i>that</i>! Her story is as +she just stood afore him with her mouth +open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin' +what under the sun she was goin' to be +asked to remember next, an' when he said +that was all, an' for her just to simply tear +up the paper, she forgot all about Luther +Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the +paper. He said for her to go right along +to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> +legs sat upon three legs' to get her her +shoes, an' she says what with bein' so dumbfoundered, +an' what with him bein' the +minister into the bargain, she went along +to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be +able to do it.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could +hear Mrs. Macy for that ain't nothin' but +the beginnin', whatever you may think, +an' the rest gets awfuller an' awfuller!</p> + +<p>"In the first place talkin' so long for +the minister made her have to run for the +train, an' <i>you</i> know what Mrs. Macy is on +a run. She said she got so hot, as she was +not only on a run but mostly on a pour all +the way to town. Why, she says it was +most terrible an' she says nothin' ever give +her such a idea as she was a born fool afore, +for with it all she had to keep on sayin' +'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as +a clock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget +it that she did n't dare even take her usual +little nap on the way an' so had no choice +but to land all wore out.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, as soon as she was landed she +remembered about Luther Stott's wife bein' +on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently +tore up along with her shoes, an' +she says the start she got over rememberin' +havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove +what 'Two legs sat upon three legs' was +to remind her of clean out of her head, +not to speak of havin' long since lost track +of the way to get any connection between +that an' her shoes.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd +of been there to hear! She says nobody +ever did afore! She says she went up one +street an' down another like a lost soul, +lookin' for a policeman. She says she +felt she did n't know where to find nothin'. +She could n't look for Luther in the directory +'cause he's long dead an' only his +wife lives there, an' as for her shoes she +was clean beside herself. She says she +was so mad at the minister as she'd have +throwed away her baptism an' her marriage +then an' there just because it was ministers<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> +as done 'em both to her, if there'd been +anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just +put her pride into her pocket, went into a +shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Two +legs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of +anythin' in the way of shoes. She says +the man looked at her in a way as passed +all belief an' said it reminded him more of +pants than shoes.</p> + +<p>"Well, she says she went out into the +street at that an' her heart was too low for +any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she +was wanderin' along who should she meet +but Drusilla Cobb?</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla +Cobb! You know what she was afore she +left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't +altered her a <i>tall</i>. Whenever Drusilla was +glad to see any one she always had a reason, +an' Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how +clean used up she was over her shoes that +she never remembered that way of Drusilla's. +Drusilla never saw no one on the +street unless she had a reason, an' if she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> +had a reason it was Heaven help them as +Drusilla saw on the street.</p> + +<p>"So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked +her right home to lunch with her, an' Mrs. +Macy very gladly went. She says no words +can tell how lively an' pleasant Drusilla +was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all +the way home. She says Drusilla has a +very nice home an' a thin husband an' three +very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the +only fat one in the family."</p> + +<p>Susan paused and drew a long breath.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new +position.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the +duck comes in. The duck was Drusilla's +reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs. +Macy says if any one had told her as she +was to go to town for shoes an' bring back +a duck, or be did in one day first by the +minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb, she'd +take her Bible oath as whoever said it was +lyin', but so it was."</p> + +<p>"Is—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes," said Miss Clegg, "it's the same +one. An' this is its why as told by Mrs. +Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me." She +paused and drew a still longer breath. +"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband +had got a friend as goes huntin' with +a doctor. Seems he found four little red-headed +things in a nest of reeds an' took +one an' asked the doctor what it was. +Seems the doctor said as he thought as +it was a golden-headed oriole but the +friend thought as it was a mud hen. So +he give it to Drusilla's youngest boy to +raise in a flat for his birthday. Well, Mrs. +Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely +most new to the animal as very soon turned +out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all +the black spots in the carpets for bugs an' +when they put it in the bath-tub to swim +it would n't swim but just kept diving for +the hole in the bottom. Seems they had +a most lively time with it an' it run after +'em everywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons +an' squawked nights, an' when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> +Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right +off as she could give her the duck to take +home with her 'cause she lived in the +country. So that was how Mrs. Macy +come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's +so dreadful pleasant.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as +she no more mistrusted what travelin' with +a duck is than anythin', so although she +could n't say as she really relishes any +duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it +could swim in the crick, an' maybe grow +to be a comfort, so she let them put it in a +basket, an' give her a envelope of dead +flies for it to lunch on, an' she set off for +home. She had to wait a long time for a +car an' the duck was so restless it eat eight +flies an' bit her twice waitin', but finally +the car come along an' she an' the duck +got on. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, she says you +never hear nothin' like that duck when it +felt itself on a electric car! The conductor +heard it an' come runnin' an' stopped the +car an' put 'em both off afore she realized<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> +as she was gettin' off for her duck instead +of her depot.</p> + +<p>"So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high +an' dry in a strange part of the city alone +with a duck out of the goodness of her heart. +You can maybe believe as she was very far +from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb when +she realized as she couldn't take no car +with no duck an' didn't know Drusilla's +number to take her back her duck, neither. +Mrs. Macy says as she felt herself slowly +growin' mad an' she went into a store near +by an' asked 'em if they had a telephone. +They said they had, an' she says she never +will know what possessed her but she just +looked that telephone square in the eye an' +told it to get her the president of the car +company without a second's delay. She +says it was astonishin' how quick it got her +somebody an' as soon as they'd each said +'Hello' polite enough, she just up an' asked +him to please tell her the difference between +a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says +he did n't say nothin' for a minute an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> +then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble +manner, an' she asked him it right over +again. Then she said he was more nervous +an' made very queer noises an' finally asked +her what in Noah's ark she wanted to know +for. She says she could n't but think that +very ill-bred, considerin' her age, but she +was in a situation where she had to overlook +anythin', so she told him as she knowed +an' he knowed, too, as any one could take +a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an' +never know what it was to be put off for +nothin'. She said he shook the wire a +little more an' then asked her if she was +meanin' to lead him to infer that she had +been injected from a car with a duck. She +says his tone was so disrespectful that she +felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told him +so far from bein' injected she'd been put out +an' off a car an' she had the duck right with +her to prove it. He told her as he would advise +her to try to do the duck up in a derby +hat an' smuggle him through that way, an' +then without a word more he hung up.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about +never was so mad afore. She says when +she turned around all the men in the store +was laughin' an' that made her madder yet, +but there was one on 'em as said he felt +for her 'cause he owned a pair of ducks +himself, an' he went in the back of the +store an' found a old hat-box as was pretty +large an' he went to work an' took the +duck out of the basket an' put him into +the box an' give Mrs. Macy 'em both to +carry an' put her on another car an' she +set off again.</p> + +<p>"Well, that time she got to the depot +all safe, an' if there was n't old Dr. Carter +from Meadville an' it goes without sayin' +as old Dr. Carter from Meadville could +drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's +head, so she an' he set out to be real happy +to the Junction, an' the first thing he +asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new +bonnet in town an' she laughed an' give +the box a little heave an' the bottom come +out an' the duck flew down the car.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 440px;"><a name="gs04" id="gs04"></a> +<img src="images/gs04.jpg" width="440" height="736" alt=""'The bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car.'" Page 188." title="" /> +<span class="caption">"'The bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car.'" Page <a href="#Page_188">188</a>.</span> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p> +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe +guess as that was most tryin' both to Mrs. +Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an' +was both wedged in one seat expectin' to enjoy +all they could of each other to the Junction. +Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge +himself an' catchin' the duck was a most +awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off +just about as soon as it was done. Well, +Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duck +seems to make every one feel as free as air, +an' a man come right off an' sat with her +right off an' asked her right off whether it +was a duck or a drake. Why, she says she +never did—not in all her life—an' he told +her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider +an' givin' it to the duck an' if he took it it +was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck. +He asked her if it was n't so an' she said +she could n't deny it, an' then he went +back to his own seat an' she rode the rest +of the way tryin' to figure on where the +hitch was in what he said, for she says as +she certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> +you can't deny that it's all straight about +the spider an' the he and the she.</p> + +<p>"Well, so she got home an' went right +up to her house, put the duck in the rat +trap, an' went over to ask the minister +about her shoes, an' what do you think, +Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think! The +minister had clean forgot himself! He +was sittin' there on his piazza advisin' Mrs. +Brown to make her pound-cake by sayin' +'One, two, three, Mother caught a flea,' +the flea bein' the butter, an' Mrs. Macy +says it was plain to be seen as he was n't +a bit pleased at her comin' in that way to +have his memory system applied to her +backward.</p> + +<p>"She says after that she went home to +the duck madder 'n ever an' put on her +felt slippers an' made up her mind as she'd +make up for her lost day by rippin' up her +old carpets, an' that was the crownin' +pyramid in her Egyptian darkness, for it's +the carpet as has ended her."</p> + +<p>"Oh—" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh, she's alive," said Susan, "but she +ain't much more 'n alive, an' it's a wonder +that she's that, an' it would be very bad +for her if she was n't, for young Dr. Brown +says she can die fifty times before he'll +ever go near her again. He's awful mad +an' he's got a bad bump on his nose too +where he fell over her, an' Mrs. Sweet's +got to stay in bed three days too for her +arm where she dislocated it jerkin'—although +goodness knows what she tried +jerkin' for—for I'd as soon think of +tryin' to jerk a elephant from under a +whale as to try to jerk Mrs. Macy from +under a carpet. An' even with it all they +could n't get her up an' had to get the +blacksmith's crowbar an' pry, an' Mrs. +Sweet says if any one doubts as pryin' is +painful they'd ought to of been there to +hear Mrs. Macy an' see Hiram an' the +blacksmith."</p> + +<p>"But what—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I'm goin' to tell you if you'll just keep +still a little longer an' let me get through to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> +the end," said her friend. "I got this part +all back an' forth an' upside down from +Mrs. Sweet while I was takin' her home by +the other arm. Oh, my, but it's awful +about her, for she was preservin' an' wanted +a extra cullender an' lost her right arm in +consequence. I hope her experience 'll be +a lesson to you, Mrs. Lathrop, for it's +been such a lesson to me that I may mention +right here an' now 't if I ever hear you +hollerin' I shall put for the opposite direction +as quick as I can for I would n't never +take no chances at gettin' dislocated like +Mrs. Sweet is—not if I knew it. Young +Dr. Brown says she's decapitated the +angular connection between her collar bone +an' somewhere else, an' she says she can +well believe it judgin' from the way her +ear keeps shootin' into her wrist an' back +again."</p> + +<p>"But—" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know how Mrs. +Macy always was forever given to economizin'. +I don't say as economizin' is any<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> +sin, but I will say as Mrs. Macy's ways of +economizin' is sometimes most singular an' +to-day's a example of that. Economy's all +right as long as you economize out of yourself, +but when it takes in Mrs. Sweet an' +bumps young Dr. Brown I've no patience—no +more 'n Mrs. Sweet an' young Dr. +Brown has. Young Dr. Brown says it +looks awful to have a black eye an' no +reason for it except fallin' over a carpet. +He says when he explains as Mrs. Macy +was under the carpet no one is goin' to +think it any thin' but funny, an' he says a +doctor must n't be hurt funny ways. Mrs. +Sweet don't feel to blame herself none for +her arm 'cause she jerked like she does +everythin' else, with her whole heart, an' +she says she did so want to set her up that +she tried harder an' harder every jerk.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to go 'way back to +the beginnin', seems as Mrs. Macy set out +last night, as I said before, to make over +her carpet. Seems as she wanted to turn +it all around so's it'd fade away under the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> +stove an' fray out in the corner where it +don't show. I don't say as the idea was n't +a good one—although it's come pretty +hard on Mrs. Sweet—but anyhow, good +or no good, she dug up the tacks last night +an' ripped the widths an' set down to sew +this mornin'. Her story is as she turned +the duck out to pasture right after breakfast +an' then went to work an' sewed away +as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock. +Then she felt most awful tired from the +rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so she thought +she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was +all done up in the carpet an' gettin' out +was hard so she thought she'd just lay +back on the floor. Seems she lay back +suddener than she really intended an' as +she hit the floor, she was <i>took</i>.</p> + +<p>"She give a yell an' she says she kept +on givin' yells for one solid hour, an' no +one come. She says as no words can ever +tell how awful it was, for every yell sent +a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin' +an' knifin' all ways through her. No one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> +heard her, for the blacksmith was shoein' +a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma +Mullins an' Lucy was discussin' Hiram on +the other. You know what a mule is to +shoe, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know what +Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take +to discussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath +as when Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy gets to +discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no +steam penelope out of a circus, not if it +was settin' full tilt right on their very own +door-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there +an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet came for the +cullender.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Sweet says, <i>the</i> shock she got when +she opened the door an' see Mrs. Macy with +the carpet on her was enough to upset +anybody.</p> + +<p>"She says she thought at first as Mrs. +Macy was tryin' to take up her carpet by +crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks +come out that way. But then she see as +her face was up an' of course no Christian'd +ever crawl under no carpet with her face<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> +up. So she asked her what was the matter, +an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she +did n't know what was the matter. Then +Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her +up. An' she says the way she yelled!</p> + +<p>"She says she jerked her by the arms, +an' by the legs, an' even by the head, an' +her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler. +Mrs. Macy says as her agonies was terrible +every time she slid a little along, an' she +just begged an' prayed for her to go an' +get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs. +Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy +an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy went for +young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an' +Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs. Macy. Oh, my, +but their story is as they jerked hard then, +for they wanted her to be respectable in +bed afore he came, but it was no use an' +he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an' +the carpet afore his eyes got used to where +he was. They had to help him up an' +then he had to go in the kitchen an' disinfect +his bump afore he could take a look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> +at Mrs. Macy. But seems he got around to +her at last an' felt her pulse an' then as +he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded +her softly all over with the tack-hammer, +but he did n't find out nothin' that way for +she yelled wherever he hit her. He said +then as he'd like to turn X-rays through +her, only as there is n't no cellar under +her house just there there'd be no way to +get a picture of the other side of what was +the matter with her.</p> + +<p>"So he said she <i>must</i> be got up, an' +although she howled as she could n't be, +he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's +crowbar an' the blacksmith, an' +it was plain as she'd have to come whether +nor no. Mrs. Sweet says it was surely a +sight to see. They put the crowbar across +a footstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other +side at the same time, an' with a yell like +Judgment Day they sat her up.</p> + +<p>"An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop? +What <i>do</i> you think? There was a tack +stickin' square in the middle of her back!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was +awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesses +he's got suthin' out of somebody now as +he won't care to preserve in alcohol for a +ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is +mad, too, for he was goin' over to Meadville +to fan a baseball team this afternoon +an' he says Mrs. Macy has used up all his +fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'cause +she says she was way ahead of Gran'ma +Mullins in what they were talkin' about +an' now she's forgotten what that was. +But Gran'ma Mullins was maddest of all +when she found out about the duck, 'cause +it seems as Drusilla Cobb's husband was +a relation of hers an' as a consequence +she never could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd +take the duck."</p> + +<p>"What—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I shall fat him an' eat him."</p> + +<p>"An' what—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, +further.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs. +Macy hunted up the magazine an' looked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> +'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after +all. As soon as she see it she remembered +the four noses an' all, but she says she was +too done up to go any further at the +minister just then."</p> + +<p>"Is—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally.</p> + +<p>"I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow, +an' I ain't goin' to catch no spider for the +sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well +as she will, I reckon, an' if I have any +doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be by +parboilin' instead of spiders."</p> + +<p>So saying Susan rose, sought her duck, +and departed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII</h2> + +<p class="center">MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES</p> + + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop never went to church. +She had relinquished church when +she had given up all other social joys that +called for motive power beyond the limits +of her own fence.</p> + +<p>Elijah rarely ever went to church. The +getting the paper out Friday for Saturday +delivery wore on him so that he nearly +always slept until noon on Sunday.</p> + +<p>So Susan went alone week after week, +just as she had been going alone for years +and years and years. She always wore a +black dress to church, her mother's cashmere +shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape +which had no strings and fitted closely +around her head. She always took about +an hour and a half to get home from church,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> +although it was barely ten minutes' walk, +and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's +gate instead of her own when she did get +home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the +minute when to expect her and was invariably +seated ready and waiting.</p> + +<p>One late May day when Susan returned +from church she followed her usual course +of Sunday observances by going straight to +her neighbor's and sitting down hard on +one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but she +differed from her usual course by her expression, +which—usually bland and fairly +contented with the world in general—was +this morning most bitterly set and firmly +assured in displeasure.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat +alarmed but attempting to speak pleasantly, +"was—"</p> + +<p>"No," said Susan, "I should say not." +Then she unpinned her hat and ran the +pin through the crown with a vicious +directness that bore out her words to the +full.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled, +"why—"</p> + +<p>"Well, I can't help it if you are," said +Miss Clegg, "you don't have to go Sunday +after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you +did, an' if you had what you ain't got an' +that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd be +rammin' around with a hat-pin yourself +an' understand my feelin's when I say as +there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't +been over fully as often as the minister nor +a place where he can open it that I can't +tell just what he'll say about it afore he's +done settlin' his tie an' clearin' his throat. +I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an' throat-clearin' +business I don't know what to do +an' then to-day it was the Sermon on the +Mount an' he said as he had a new thought +to develop out of the mount for us an' the +new thought was as life was a mount with +us all climbin' up it an' sure to come out +on top with the Sermon if our legs held out. +It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's +got hold of as puts me so out of all patience<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> +I don't know what to do; if they was +really new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but +they're as old as the hills an' I feel like I +was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on +whenever I hear him beginnin' with a +fresh old one. The other day I met him +down in the square an' he stopped me short +an' told me to my face as the world was +gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star +as he see the night afore had given him +one as he was intendin' to work up for +Christmas. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do +you think that particular new thought +was? What <i>do</i> you think? It was as +God was back o' the stars! My lands, I +felt like givin' him a punch with my parasol +an' I'd of done it too only I'd left my +parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with +me but a basket o' currants. I told him +though as the idea o' God an' the stars +bein' anyways new was surely <i>most</i> new to +me, an' then I went on to say as Rachel +Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>berries for me Monday an' seein' as Tuesday +was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I +could only hope as some other new thought +had n't run off with her, too.</p> + +<p>"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't +get much fun out o' church anyway, for +I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time +I'm there thinkin' what I could be doin' +at home if I <i>was</i> at home, an' wonderin' +whether Elijah is in bed or whether he's +up an' about. I don't know a more awful +feelin' than the feelin' that you're chained +helpless in a church while the man in your +house is up an' about your house. Men +were n't meant to be about houses an' I +always liked father because he never was +about, but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition +an' he inquires more Sundays than +any other time. The idea as he's wanderin' +around just carelessly lookin' into everythin' +as ain't locked upsets me for listenin' +to the minister anyway, but lately my +patience has been up on its hind legs in +church clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever, +for it seems as if the minister gets tamer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> +an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on, +an' between not likin' to hear him an' bein' +half mad to get back to Elijah I'm beginnin' +to wish as God in His infinite mercy had +let me be somethin' besides a Christian. I +don't know what I'd be if I was n't a +Christian, but my own view o' this idea o' +free-trade in religion as is takin' so many +folks nowadays is as it all comes from most +anybody with common sense jus' naturally +knowin' more than any minister as always +has his house an' his potatoes for nothin' +ever can possibly get a chance to learn; +an' when folks realize as they know more +than the minister they ain't apt to like +to waste the time as they might be learnin' +more yet, sittin' an' listenin' to him tag +along behind what they know already. A +minister is kind o' like a horse in blinders +or a cow as wears a yoke to keep her from +jumpin', anyway—he feels as he can't +launch out even if he wants to an' so he +never does, but my idea would be to give +'em a little rope an' let 'em be a little more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> +interestin'. Here's two hours a week as +we sit still an' might be learnin' things +much more useful than as Job was patient +an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an' +Joseph anyhow. I've heard about 'em both +ever since I was old enough to know about +either, an' long afore I was old enough to +know about Joseph. I was talkin' about +this at the sewin' society yesterday an' +they all agreed with me. Mrs. Macy said +as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin' +to go to sleep in church for the last five +years, an' she was beginnin' to have it so +strong as she did n't care who knowed it.</p> + +<p>"Was the minister's—" asked Mrs. +Lathrop, with vivid curiosity.</p> + +<p>"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a +moth ball was a lemon drop an' dealt with +it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by +the bein' up all night to even so much as +overcast a plain seam; but the rest was +there an' we all aired ourselves inside out, +I can assure you, an' was more 'n glad as +she was n't there, so we could do it, too.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p> + +<p>"The general talk was as the minister 'd +do well to quit talkin' about Heaven for a +while an' come down to earth. We all +know about Heaven, 'cause if you don't all +you have to do is to tip back your head an' +there it is day an' night for you to look at as +long as your neck don't ache, but what +we don't know about is a lot of what's +right around us. Mrs. Macy says as her +view would be to take the Bible for the +motto an' then apply it right to us here +to-day, an' tell us how to understand what's +goin' on in the world by its light. She +says David an' Goliath could of been Japan +an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling +shot, an' we all felt to agree as <i>there</i> was a +idea as <i>no</i> minister ought to mind ownin', +for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she +never would of give Mrs. Macy credit for +thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that. +Every one was interested right off an' you +ought to of been there to see how the idea +took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd <i>always</i> +wanted to know what a soft-nosed bullet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> +looked like an' how their other features felt, +an' a sermon like that could n't but give us +all a new understandin' of a war. Then +they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an' +Mrs. Sweet said as Jezabel bein' throwed to +the dogs could apply to that new rule in +the city as makes you have to go around +with your dog's nose in a lattice an' yourself +tied to the dog; she said when she +went up there the other day she felt like +nothin' but a fool out with her brother an' +him bein' jerked here an' there a'cordin' +as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' the +dog's lattice half the time over one of his +two ears so he looked more drunk than +sober all day. Of course we ain't got no +such rules about dogs' noses here, but no +one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it +showed she took an interest; Mrs. Brown +said when she was done as she should think +as the sun standin' still on Absalom three +days could be worked up into havin' our +streets lit all night, for she says when +young Dr. Brown is out late, Amelia's so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> +awful nervous she has to sit by her an' +hold her hand, an' young Dr. Brown always +says it takes him a good hour longer than +it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o' +bein' so afraid o' runnin' into trees in the +dark."</p> + +<p>"They say—" said Mrs. Lathrop, +thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"Yes, but you could n't make his mother +believe it," said Susan; "she thinks he +eats peppermint comin' home nights just +because he likes to eat peppermint comin' +home nights. Mothers is all like that. +You know yourself how you was with +Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk, +about how all sons was n't prodigals, some +bein' obliged by fate to be the calf instead. +I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I +think of this new idea the more took I am +with it. The Bible would be most like a +new book if we took it that way an' Sunday +would be a day to look forward to all the +week long, just to see what the minister +was goin' to say about what next. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> +sewin' society was all in favor of the idea +an' now if the square only takes it up with +a real mother's heart I don't see why we +should n't get some profit out o' keepin' +a minister yet. My notion is as the minister +might just as well learn to be a lesson +to us as to be so dead satisfied with only +bein' a trial to us. We've got trials +enough, Lord knows, an' just now what +with the weather an' the cleanin' house no +one wants to go to church to hear about +things as they all know anyhow."</p> + +<p>"I wonder—" said Mrs. Lathrop, +thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"No, I would n't look for that," said +Susan; "every one has their limits an' I +would n't expect no man to jump over +his own outside. I should n't ever look for +the minister to be really equal to workin' +up somethin' real spicy as would fill the +house out o' Uriah the Hittite or Abigail +hangin' upside down to the tree, but I +can't well see why he could n't teach us +whether well water's healthy or not by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> +quotin' from Rebecca, an' when the time +comes he could surely get a real nice +Thanksgivin' text out o' John the Baptist's +head on the platter."</p> + +<p>"Well—" said Mrs. Lathrop, slowly.</p> + +<p>"I'm goin' home to Elijah now," said +Susan, "an' I shall talk the matter up with +him. Elijah's awful funny, Mrs. Lathrop. +However much he roams around while +I'm in church he always hops back in bed +an' manages to be sound asleep when it's +time for me to come home. An' I will say +this for him, an' that is as with all his +pryin' an' meddlin' he's clever enough to get +things back so I can never see no traces of +what he's been at. If I was n't no sharper +than most others, I'd think as he never +had stirred out of bed while I was gone—but +I am sharper than others an' it'll take +a sharper young man than Elijah to make +me suppose as all is gold that glitters or +that a man left all alone in a house don't +take that time to find out what he's alone +in the midst of."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV</h2> + +<p class="center">ADVISABILITY OF NEWSPAPER EXPOSURES</p> + + +<p>"Well, I don't know I'm sure what I +<i>am</i> goin' to do with Elijah," said +Susan Clegg to her friend one evening. +"He's just as restless in his ideas as he +is in bed, an' he's not content in bed without +untuckin' everythin' at the foot. I +hate a bed as is kicked out at the foot an' +I hate a man as makes a woman have to +put the whole bed together again new +every mornin'. I'm sure I don't see no +good to come of kickin' nights an' I've +talked to Elijah about layin' still till I +should think he could n't but see how right +I am an' how wrong he is, but still he goes +right on kickin', an' now he's got it into +his head as he's got to turn the town topsy-turvy +by findin' out suthin' wrong as we'd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> +rather not know, an' makin' us very uncomfortable +by knowin' it, an' knowin' as +now we know it we've got to do suthin' +about it, an' that seems to make him kick +more than ever."</p> + +<p>"Dear—" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"He set on the porch for an hour with +me last night," Susan went on, "tryin' to +think o' suthin' as he could expose in the +paper. He says a paper ain't nothin' +nowadays without it's exposin' suthin, +an' a town ain't fit to have a paper if it +ain't got nothin' to expose in it. He says +no closet without some skeleton, an' he +should think we'd have ours, an' in the end +he talked so much that I could n't but +feel for a little as maybe he was right an' as +we <i>was</i> behind the times, for when you +come to think it over, Mrs. Lathrop, nothin' +ever does happen here as had n't ought to +happen—not since Mr. Shores' wife run +off with his clerk, an' that wa'n't no great +happenin', for they could n't stand sittin' +on the piazza much longer—every one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> +could see that—an' Mrs. Shores wasn't +one to have any man but her own husband +comin' in an' out o' the house at all hours, +an' so if she'd got to the point where she +wanted a man as wasn't her own husband +comin' in an' out, she just had to up an' +run away with him, an' I never have been +one to say no ill of her, for I look on Mr. +Shores with a cool an' even eye, an' lookin' +on Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye +leads me to fully an' freely approve of +every thin' as his wife ever done."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know it, an' that's why I speak +as I do. But Elijah seems to think as +suthin' else ought to of happened since then, +an' he asked me if I didn't know of nothin' +as was bein' tried to be covered up as he +could uncover, an' I really did try to think +of suthin' but nobody ever covers up +nothin' here. Nobody could if they wanted +to. Everybody knows everythin' about +everybody. We all know about Lucy an' +Hiram, 'cause Gran'ma Mullins is always<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> +tellin' her side an' Hiram's side, an' Lucy +is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's other +side. Gran'ma Mullins says when she sees +a man like Hiram havin' to devote his +strength an' his Sundays to catchin' water-bugs, +she most feels she's been a mother +in vain, an' Lucy says when she realizes +as she's married a man as can't be put to +no better use Sundays than catchin' water-bugs, +she ain't got no doubt at all as to +what she's married. Lucy's gettin' very +bitter about marriage; she says when she +thinks as she may be picked out for a +golden weddin' she feels like tyin' balloons +to her feet an' goin' out an' standin' on +her head in the crick. Elijah asked me +if maybe she was n't in love with some one +else as he could just notice in general kind +o' terms, but I told him he did n't know +what Lucy Dill was on men now as Hiram +has got her eyes open. Why, Lucy don't +believe no more in love a <i>tall</i>. Lucy says +if she was rid of men an' left on a desert +island alone, with one cow, so she could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> +have eggs an' milk toast regular, she'd +never watch for no ship, an' if a ship heaved +up anywhere near, she'd heave down so +quick that if any one on the ship had seen +her they'd think they imagined her afore +they'd get ready to go to her rescue. +Elijah shook his head then, an' trailed off +to Polly Allen; he said there must be thirty-five +years between Polly an' the deacon, +an' could n't suthin' be hinted at about +them. That set me to wonderin', an' it's +really very strange when you come to +think of it, Mrs. Lathrop, how contented +Polly is. I don't believe they've ever had +a word. He does the cookin' an' washin' +the same as he always did, an' lets her do +anythin' else she pleases, an' they say she's +always very obligin' about doin' it.</p> + +<p>"So then Elijah crossed his legs the other +way, an' asked if there was n't anythin' +bigger as could be looked into, but every +one knows Hiram is the biggest man anywhere +around here, so that was no use. +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>He asked then if we did n't have a poorhouse +or a insane asylum or a slaughter-house +or suthin' as he could show up in +red ink. He said somebody must be doin' +suthin' as they had n't ought to be doin' +somewhere, an' it was both his virtue an' +his business to print all about it. He says +exposin' is the very life o' the newspaper +business, an' you can't be nothin' nowadays +without you expose. He seemed to +feel very much put out about us not bein' +able to be exposed, an' I could n't help +a kind o' hurt feelin' as it was really so.</p> + +<p>"But what can I do, Mrs. Lathrop, I +did n't know of nothin'? We ain't got no +place to do anythin' except in the square +an' nobody never does nothin' without +everybody knows that day or the next +mornin' at the latest. I don't believe as +anybody could have a secret with anybody +in this town 'cause you'd know very well +as if you did n't get 'round pretty quick +an' tell it first the other one would be +gettin' ahead o' you an' tellin' it before +you. Of course I could see Elijah's drift<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> +all right. Them city papers has turned +his head completely just as they do everybody +else's when they first get a new idea. +Elijah wants us to be eatin' bluing for blueberries +an' cats for calves jus' so he can be +the first to tell us about it, but there ain't +a cat in town as ain't too well known for +anybody to eat without knowin' it, an' as +for bluing, if anybody can feed it to me +for blueberries it's me as is the fool an' +them as is n't, an' that's my views.</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, I +ain't got no great sympathy with this new +idea o' keepin' us all stirred up over how +awful things is. I won't say as I approved +when that man in Chicago made sausage +out o' his wife 'cause he was tired o' her, +but I will say as if Lucy see her chance at +Hiram that way I ain't sure as she could +restrain herself. Hiram's perfectly healthy +an' could be depended upon not to disagree +with no one in sausage to anythin' like the +extent Lucy disagrees with him, an' Gran'ma +Mullins is so tired of hearin' 'em quarrel<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> +that I ain't prepared to say as she'd rebel +at anythin' as sent Lucy back to her +father.</p> + +<p>"Elijah went on to tell me a lot about +insurance an' railroads, but all about insurance +an' railroads is 'way beyond my +interest an' 'way beyond the understandin' +of every one else here, an' nobody's goin' +to remember a thing about any of it a year +from now anyhow. That's the trouble +with this country,—they don't remember +nothin',—everybody forgets everythin' before +the month is out. Most of the people +never thinks o' San Francisco now, an' as +for that fire they had in Baltimore, it's as +dead as Moses.</p> + +<p>"That's the advantage the rest of the +country has over us when it comes to +exposin'. They can expose an' expose, +an' all the folks who read about it forget +an' forget, but here in this community it's +different an' you can't count on <i>our</i> forgettin' +things a <i>tall</i>, an' if Elijah was +turned loose I'll venture to say every last<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> +one o' them papers would be saved until +doomsday. I know that an' knowin' that +I very carefully restrain him. There's a +many as knows as Mr. Kimball's dried apples +is often very under rate, an' a many others +as knows whose dead cat that was as Mrs. +Sweet had to bury after vowin' she would n't +till she smelt as she'd got to. Every last +one of us knows what Dr. Brown gets at +the drug store when he asks for what he +usually gets an' there's a good many as +thinks as Mrs. Macy goes to Meadville +more on a'count o' Dr. Carter than to see +her cousin, Mrs. Lupey. But I was n't +goin' to set Elijah swimmin' in any such +deep water. Elijah is a young man an' +the age to go wrong easy, an' when that +age see how easy it is to go wrong they're +nothin' but foolish if they waste another +second goin' right, so if Elijah wants to go +to exposin' he'll have to get his stuff from +some one else beside me."</p> + +<p>"You—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, I don't say that," said Miss Clegg,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> +"I'm only human after all an' I can't in +conscience deny as I should like to see +them as I don't like showed up just as +much as any other man as is makin' a +business of showin' up his neighbors, likes +it. But I know I've got to live here an' +it'd be very poor livin' for me after I'd +aired myself by way of Elijah. There's a +great difference between knowin' things +all by yourself an' readin' 'em in the paper, +an' I know as that dead cat would cause a +great deal o' hard feelin' in print, while +buried by Mrs. Sweet it only helps her +garden grow. So I shall keep on talkin' +as usual, but I shall hold Elijah out o' +print an' so keep the country safe."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, the paper'll do just as well," said +Susan; "he's goin' to print one sheet as +comes all printed from the city every week +an' he says that'll put new zest in the thing. +It'll be a great deal better to get the zest +that way than to get it exposin'. Zest is +suthin' as is always safest a good ways off.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> +Elijah saw that, too, afore he got done +last night, for in his hitchin' about he +hitched over the edge o' the piazza in the +end."</p> + +<p>"Did—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, no," said Miss Clegg. "But he +tore a lot of things an' smashed a rose +bush, but I did n't care about that. I +just told him to leave 'em on a chair this +mornin' an' I'd sew 'em all up again, +an' I done it, an' as to the rose bush, I'll +have him get another an' give it to me for +a present the next time I go to the city to +pick it out myself."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV" id="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV</h2> + +<p class="center">THE TRIAL OF A SICK MAN IN THE HOUSE</p> + + +<p>"Well, where—" began Mrs. Lathrop +in a tone of real pleasure at +seeing Miss Clegg come into her kitchen +one afternoon a few days after.</p> + +<p>Miss Clegg dropped into a chair.</p> + +<p>"Well, I <i>have</i> got trouble now!" she +announced abruptly, "Elijah's sick!"</p> + +<p>"Eli—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"—Jah," finished Susan. "Yes, Mrs. +Lathrop, Elijah's sick! He was sick all +night an' all this mornin', an' I may in confidence +remark as I hope this'll be a lesson +to him to never do it again, for I've got +a feelin' in my legs as 'll bear me out in +lettin' him or any one else die afore I'll +ever work again like I've worked to-day +an' last night."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Why, what—"</p> + +<p>"Did n't you see young Dr. Brown?"</p> + +<p>"No, I—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I supposed so," said Susan, resignedly; +"I know your ways, Mrs. Lathrop, +an' I never look for any other ways in you. +It's good as I don't, for if I did I'd be blind +from lookin' an' not seein'. I know you, +Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know your ways, an' +I realize to the full how different they are +from me an' my ways, but a friend is a +friend an' what can't be endured has got +to be cured, so I come to tell you about +Elijah just the same as I do anythin' else +as is easy heard."</p> + +<p>"Is—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, he is n't. That is, he was n't when +I come out, but he had his pen an' said he +was goin' to write a editorial sittin' up in +bed. He can't get out of bed on a'count +of the sheet, but 'Liza Em'ly's there if he +wants anythin' so it don't matter if I do +leave for a little while. She come an' +offered an' I don't see why she should n't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> +have a chance to get married the same as +any other girl, so I set her in the next room +an' told her not to go near him on no +a'count, an' naturally there ain't nothin' +as'll make 'em wilder to talk than for +Elijah to feel he'd ought to be workin' on +his editorial an' for 'Liza Em'ly to feel as +he had n't ought to be spoke to. I don't +say as I consider Elijah any great catch, +but if 'Liza Em'ly can find any joy jumpin' +at him with her mouth open I ain't one to +deprive her of the hop. Elijah's a very +fair young man as young men go, an' I +think any girl as is willin' to do her nine-tenths +can have a time tryin' to be happy +with him. If she ain't happy long it won't +be Elijah's fault for he's just as sure his +wife 'll be happy as any other man is."</p> + +<p>"But about—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, that's what I come to tell you. +He woke me last night, tappin' on my +door, an' hollered as he had the appendicitis +on both sides at once."</p> + +<p>"On both—"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p> + +<p>"That's what he said. Well, as soon +as I got awake enough to know as I was n't +asleep, I knowed he was wrong somehow +an' I sat up in bed an' hollered back to +him to take ten sips o' water, hold his +breath while he counted fifteen, an' go +back to bed. I was n't calculatin' to get +up with no two-sided appendicitis in the +middle o' no night if I could help it, an' I +knowed anyhow as it was only some of +them dried apples o' Mr. Kimball's as was +maybe lodged here an' there in him an' +no harm done if he'd only let me sleep.</p> + +<p>"But, no sir, Elijah had no idea o' +lettin' me sleep while he set up alone with +his own two sides. There's suthin' about +a man, Mrs. Lathrop, as 'll never let him +suffer in silence if there's any woman to +be woke up. A man can't be a hero unless +a woman stands by barefooted with a +candle, an' he feels a good deal easier +groanin' if he can hear her sneezin' between +times. So back come Elijah right off to +say as I must be up an' doin' or he'd be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> +dead afore dawn. I was so sound asleep +I told him to set a mouse trap two times +afore my senses come to me an' then when +they did I was mad. I tell you I was <i>good</i> +an' mad too. I put on my slippers an' +father's duster as I always keep hangin' +to my bedpost to slip on or dust with just +as I feel to need it on or dustin', an' I went +to Elijah. He was back layin' in bed done +up in a sort o' ring o' rosy, groanin' an' +takin' on an' openin' an' shuttin' his eyes +like he thought he could make me feel +pleased at bein' woke up. But I was n't +goin' to feel pleased. I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, +a stitch in time saves nine, an' I +hadn't no idea of encouragin' Elijah to +wake me like that, not while there's maybe +a chance of me havin' him to board more 'n +the three months I promised. I saw as I +was gettin' into the duster as all my comfort +depended on how I acted right then an' +there an' I was decided to be firm. I stood +by the bed an' looked at him hard an' then I +says to him, I says, 'Well, what did you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> +wake me up for?' 'No one ever felt nothin' +like this,' he says; 'I've got two appendixes +an' I can feel another comin' in my back.' +'Elijah,' I said, 'don't talk nonsense. +You've been an' woke me up an' now I'm +woke up what do you want me to do?' I +leaned over him as I said it an' let a little +hot candle grease drip on his neck an' he +give a yowl an' straightened out an' then +give another yowl an' shut up again. 'I'll +make you some ginger tea,' I says, 'an' put +a mustard plaster wherever you like best,' +I says, 'an' then I shall look to be let alone,' +I says, an' so I went downstairs an' set to +work. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I made that +tea an' I bet I made it strong; I put some +red pepper in it, too, an' poured a little +mucilage into the plaster, for I may in +confidence remark as I didn't intend as +Elijah should ever look forward to wakin' +me up in the night again. Then I went +upstairs an' he sit up an' took the whole +of the cup at one gulp! You never see no +one so satisfied with nothin' in all your life!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> +He fell back like he was shot an' said, +'Scott, Scott, Scott,' until really I thought +as he was ravin'. Then I said, 'Where do +you want the plaster, Elijah?' an' he said, +'On my throat, I guess.' I says, 'No, +Elijah, you've waked me up an' wakin' +me up is nothin' to joke over. You put +this plaster on an' go to sleep an' don't +wake me up again unless you feel for more +tea.' I spoke kind, but he could see as I +felt firm an' I set the candle down an' +went back to bed.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think,—what +<i>do</i> you think? Seems as Elijah +was so afraid o' burnin' himself in another +place that he went an' put the <i>sheet</i> between +him an' the plaster an' glued himself all +together. This mornin' when he awoke up +there he was with the sheet stuck firm to +him an' I must say I was very far from +pleased when he hollered to me an' I went +in an' found him lookin' more like a kite +than anythin' else an' not able to dress +'cause he could n't take off his sheet. 'Well,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> +Elijah, you <i>have</i> done it now, I guess,' I +says; 'I never see nothin' the beat o' this. +If I have to send for young Dr. Brown to +take that sheet off you, you'll be in the +papers from the earthquake to Russia an' +back again.' Well, that was all there was +to do an' when 'Liza Em'ly come with the +milk I had to ask her to go up to young Dr. +Brown's an' ask him to kindly come as +soon as he could an' amputate Elijah out +o' bed. He come right after breakfast an' +he had a time, I tell you! We worked with +water an' we worked with hot water, we +tried loosenin' the edges by jerkin' quick +when Elijah was n't expectin', but it was +all no use. Dr. Brown said he never see +such a plaster, he said it'd be a fortune +for mendin' china. Then we got the dish-pan +an' tried layin' Elijah face down across +it an' pilin' books on his back to keep the +right place in front soakin', but even that +didn't help. Dr. Brown said in the end +as he thought the only way maybe would +be to do all the corners of the sheet up in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> +a paper an' let Elijah carry it hugged tight +to him an' wear father's duster down to +the crick an' sit in it till he just slowly +come loose. But Elijah did n't want to go +bathin' in a duster an' I had a feelin' myself +as if Meadville heard of it we'd surely +be very much talked about, so finally Dr. +Brown said he thought as he'd go home +an' study up the case, an' I let him go for +I had my own ideas as to how much he +knew about what was makin' the trouble. +So he went an' then I got dinner an' took +some up to Elijah an' told him jus' what I +thought of the whole performance. I talked +kind but I talked firm an' I done a lot of +good, for he said he did n't know but it +would be better if he arranged to live with +the Whites after the Fourth of July 'cause +he had a feelin' as maybe he was a good +deal of trouble to me. I told him I hadn't +a mite of doubt as he was a good deal of +trouble to me an' then Mrs. Macy come. +I had to stop talkin' to him an' go down +an' tell her what was the matter. She said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> +right off as her idea would be to shut the +windows, build a big fire an' make Elijah +jus' work himself loose from the inside +out. I told her about the mucilage though +an' then she changed her views an' said I'd +best fold the sheet neatly an' let him wear +it till he wore it off next time he growed a +new skin. Mrs. Macy says she's been told +we keep sheddin' our skins the same as +snakes an' that that's really what makes +our clothes need washin' so often. She +said the moral was plain as by the time +the sheet'd need washin' Elijah would shed +it anyhow. I see the p'int o' what she said +an' I felt to agree, but while we was talkin' +Mrs. Sweet come in an' her view was all +different. She said as Elijah would find +that sheet a most awful drag on him an' +to her order o' thinkin' he'd ought to go +down to where Mr. Kimball makes his +dried apples an' steam loose in the vat. +She says he can steam out very fast an' Mr. +Kimball bein' his uncle 'll naturally let him +sit in the vat for nothin'."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span></p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't know," said Susan; "Lucy +come in while we was sittin' there an' she +said her view'd be for me just to take a +firm hold of the sheet an' walk straight out +of the room without a so much as 'by your +leave' to Elijah, but I'd be afraid of tearin' +the sheet if I did that way. An' then +Gran'ma Mullins came an' her view was +as I'd best sit an' sop Elijah with a sponge, +which just shows why Hiram is so tore in +two between such a mother an' such a +wife's views."</p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop again.</p> + +<p>"Well, Elijah was writin' a editorial when +I left an' 'Liza Em'ly was lookin' at him an' +sighin' to talk an' I come over to tell you +all about it."</p> + +<p>Just here a piercing scream was heard +from across the way.</p> + +<p>"My—" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>Susan sprang to her feet and ran to the +door; as she opened it Eliza Emily was +seen flying down the Clegg steps.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p> + +<p>"What is it?" screamed Miss Clegg from +Mrs. Lathrop's steps.</p> + +<p>"Elijah dropped his pen," screamed Eliza +Emily in reply, "an' when he reached for +it he fell out o' bed an' tore loose."</p> + +<p>"Did he tear the sheet any?"</p> + +<p>"No, but he thinks he's tore himself."</p> + +<p>Miss Clegg began to walk rapidly towards +her own house.</p> + +<p>"You can see I've got to go," she called +back to her friend over her shoulder; "this +is what it is to have a man livin' in your +house, Mrs. Lathrop."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI" id="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI</h2> + +<p class="center">THE BEGINNING OF THE END</p> + + +<p>As June wore on it became more and +more apparent that Elijah wore on +Miss Clegg. She grew less and less mild +towards his shortcomings and more and +more severe as to the same.</p> + +<p>"He's only—" Mrs. Lathrop attempted +to explain to her.</p> + +<p>"I don't care if he is," she replied, "it +says in the Bible as a man is a man for all +that an' I never was one to go against the +Bible even if I ain't never felt in conscience +called to say where Cain an' Abel got +married, or what it was as the Jews lit out +from Egypt on a'count of. I tell you what +it is, Mrs. Lathrop, you've forgotten what +it is to have a man around your house. +There's somethin' just about the way a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> +man eats an' sleeps as gets very aggravatin' +to any woman after the new's off. I +begin to see what men invented gettin' +married for,—it was so they could kite +around an' always be sure they had one +woman safe chained up at home to do their +cookin' an' washin'. Why, I ain't married +to Elijah a <i>tall</i>, an' yet just havin' him in +the house is gettin' me more an' more +under his thumb every day that he stays +with me. I feel to stay in the square an' +I find myself hurryin' home 'cause he likes +hot biscuits, an' I feel to turn his washstand +around an' I leave it where it is for +no better reason than as he likes it where +it is. It's awful the way a man gets the +upper hand of a woman! Lord knows I've +no love for Elijah an' yet I'm caperin' +upstairs an' downstairs when he ain't in +a hurry an' tearin' my legs off scamperin' +when he is, until I declare I feel mad at +myself—I certainly do.</p> + +<p>"An' now, there he is fallin' in love with +'Liza Em'ly, the last girl in the world as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> +he'd ought to even dream of marryin', an' +I talk to him an' talk to him, an' tell him +so, an' tell him so, an' it don't make no +more impression than when you rub a +cat behind her ear."</p> + +<p>"Why, a cat—" protested Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes, an' so does Elijah. It just tickles +him half to death to hear 'Liza Em'ly's +mere name, an' he don't care what any one +says about her just so long as it's about +her.</p> + +<p>"I see the minister down in the square +to-day an' I told him my opinion of it all +right to his face. But the minister didn't +have no heart for 'Liza Em'ly—he's too +used up discussin' what under the sun is to +be done with Henry Ward Beecher. He +says it's suthin' just awful about Henry +Ward Beecher's feelin' for Emma Sweet, +an' he told me frank an' open as personally +it's been so terrible easy for him to get +himself married an' get consequences that +he can't find nothin' to point his index +finger into Henry Ward Beecher with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> +about this unrequited affection of his for +Emma. He says as he never knowed as a +<i>man</i> could have unrequited affection afore +an' he really seems to feel more'n a little +hurt over it. He says he can't well see +how to restrain Henry Ward Beecher an' +it's town talk as Henry Ward Beecher is +far past restrainin' himself. I see Polly +White afterward an' she says it's gospel +truth as he's took indelible ink an' tattoed +Emma all over himself, even places where +he had to do it by guess or a mirror."</p> + +<p>"My heavens!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, I should say so," said Susan, +"an' will you only consider, Mrs. Lathrop, +what Emma Sweet is to be tattoed all over +any man like that! I like all the Sweets +an' I like Emma, but it's only in reason as +I should regard her with a impartial eye, +an' no impartial eye lookin' her way could +ever in reason deny as she don't appear +likely to set no rivers afire. Emma's a +nice girl, an' if her toes turned out an' her +teeth turned in I don't say but what she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span> +might go along without bein' noticed in a +crowd, but with them teeth an' toes all you +can call her is good-hearted an' you know +as well as I do as bein' called good-hearted +is about the meanest thing as anybody +can ever call anybody else. Folks in this +world never call any one good-hearted unless +they can't find nothin' else good to say +of 'em, for it stands to reason as any sensible +person'd rather have anythin' else about +'em good before their heart, for it's way +inside an' largely guesswork what it is +anyhow.</p> + +<p>"They say as Mrs. Sweet says as even +though Emma's her own child, still she can't +see no reason for Henry Ward Beecher's +March-haredness. She says Emma's best +p'ints is her gettin' up early an' the way +she puts her whole soul into washin' an' +bread-kneadin', but she says Henry Ward +Beecher ain't sensible enough to appreciate +good p'ints like those. She says she's +talked to Emma an' any one with half a +eye can see as it ain't Emma as needs the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> +talkin' to. She says Emma says as the +way he hangs onto her goin' home from +choir practice is enough to pull her patience +all out of proportion. She says Emma +says she'd as soon have a garter-snake +seein' her home, an' doin' itself up in rings +around her all the while, an' Mrs. Sweet +says any one as has ever seen Emma seein' +a garter-snake would consider Henry Ward +Beecher's chances as very slim after a +remark like that.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Kimball says he wishes he had n't +took him into his store just now; he says +no young man ain't got a call to the grocery +trade when he's in a state of heart as won't +let him hear the call o' the man as owns +the business, an' Mr. Kimball says when +he fell into the vat where he was stirrin' +up his dried apples, Henry Ward Beecher +never heard one single holler as he gave—not +one single solitary holler did that boy +hear, an' Mr. Kimball 'most had a real +city Turkish bath as a result. Why, he +told me as he was in the vat for nigh on to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> +a hour afore Elijah heard him from the +other side, an' he says as a consequence he +ain't very much took with havin' a clerk +as is in love. He says too as only to see +Henry Ward Beecher tryin' to pour through +a funnel when any member o' the Sweet +family is walkin' by on the other side of +the square is enough to make him as owns +what's bein' spilt wish as Henry Ward +Beecher's father had gone unrequited too. +Mrs. Macy come in while we was talkin' +an' she said it was too bad as Emma wasn't +smarter, 'cause if Emma was smarter Henry +Ward Beecher'd jus' suit her. Mrs. Macy +says the trouble is as Emma's too smart +to be willin' to marry a fool an' not quite +smart enough to be willin' to. Mrs. Macy +says as Mr. Fisher was just such another +an' Mrs. Fisher jumped for him like a duck +at a bug."</p> + +<p>"Did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.</p> + +<p>"No," said Susan, "but Gran'ma Mullins +did. Gran'ma Mullins is always nothin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> +but glad to have a chance to shake her +head an' wipe her eyes over any one's love-makin'. +She come in to wait a little 'cause +Lucy wanted to dust an' she says she ain't +got no strength to stay in the house while +Lucy dusts; she says it lays Hiram out on +the sofa every time regular an' sometimes +it gives him the toothache. She says she +an' Hiram never know when they 're dirty +a'cordin' to Lucy's way o' thinkin' but, +Heaven help 'em, they always know when +they're clean a'cordin' to Lucy's idea of +bein' clean. She says Lucy is that kind +as takes one of her hairpins an' goes down +on her knees an' scratches out the last bit +of dirt as the Lord hath mercifully seen +fit to allow to settle in His cracks. You +can see as Gran'ma Mullins has suffered! +She says it's a hard thing to bear, but +Hiram grins an' she bears an' their pride +helps 'em out.</p> + +<p>"While we was talkin' Emma come by for +the mail an' we see Henry Ward Beecher's +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span>face just hoverin' madly over the breakfast-food +display in Mr. Kimball's window. Mr. +Jilkins was in town buyin' a rake an' he +waited to see what would happen. Judge +Fitch was there too an' Polly White. We +all had our eyes fixed on Henry Ward +Beecher an' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as I +never got so tired waitin' for nothin'."</p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Love affairs is terrible tame to lookers-on, +I think. If they get over it your time's +wasted an' if they don't get over it the +time's wasted all around. My own opinion is +as all love affairs is a very foolish kind o' +business, for you never find real sensible +folks havin' anythin' to do with 'em. But +it was no use talkin' that to-day, so Henry +Ward Beecher hung up there on the breakfast +foods, an' we sat an' watched him +like combination cats till long about five +Johnny come by an' said as Mr. Sperrit +had took Emma home with them to tea."</p> + +<p>"Oh—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, impulsively.</p> + +<p>"I don't know why not," said Susan, +"my own opinion is as he's a idiot—"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Mr. Sper—"</p> + +<p>"No, Henry Ward Beecher. It's always +struck me as a very strange thing as we +had n't got one single idiot in this community +an' I guess the real truth is as +we've had one all the time an' did n't +know him by sight. There's a idiot most +everywhere till he gets the idea into his +head to kill some one an' so gives others the +idea as he's safer shut up, an' so it ain't +surprisin' our havin' one too. I see Mrs. +Brown on my way home an' I asked her +if she did n't think as I was right. She +said she would n't be surprised if it was +true, an' it was very odd as she'd never +thought o' it before, recollectin' her experience +with him years ago when she had +him that time as the minister went to +the Sperrits' on his vacation. She went +on to say then as to her order o' thinkin' +Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit come pretty close to +bein' idiots themselves, for she says she +don't know she's sure what ails 'em but +they've been married years now an' is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> +still goin' round as beamin' as two full +moons. She says it ain't anythin' to talk +of in public but actually to see 'em drivin' +back from market sometimes most makes +her wish as she was n't a widow, an' she +says anythin' as'd make her sorry she's a +widow had n't ought to be goin' round loose +in a Christian town. She was very much +in earnest an' Mrs. Fisher overtook us just +then an' she said it all over again to her an' +she said more, too—she said as the way +she looks at him in church is all right an' +really nothin' but a joy to look on afore +marriage, but she don't consider it hardly +decent afterwards for it's deludin' an' can't +possibly be meant in earnest. She says +she was married, an' her son is married, +an' her father was married, too, an' you +can't tell her that the way Mr. an' Mrs. +Sperrit go on isn't suthin' pretty close to +idiocy even if it ain't the whole thing."</p> + +<p>"You—" said Mrs. Lathrop."</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Fisher said," continued Susan, +"as she thought maybe she got used to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> +lookin' pleasant at him in all them years +as she kept house for him afore he made +up his mind to get married to her, an' so +the habit kind of is on her an' what's dyed +in the wool keeps on stickin' to Mr. Sperrit. +She said as they do say as he married her +'cause he wanted her bedroom to hang up +corn to dry in. She went on to say as for +her part she always enjoyed seein' the +Sperrits so happy for it done any one good +to only look at 'em an' that she'd only be +too happy to be a idiot herself if it'd do +any human bein' good to look at her an' +Mr. Fisher afterwards. She went on to +say as she'd heard as the other night Mr. +Sperrit drove two miles back in the rain +'cause he'd forgot a cake o' sapolio as she'd +asked him to bring. I spoke up at that an' +I said I did n't see nothin' very surprisin' +in that, for I know if I asked any man as +I was married to to bring home a cake o' +sapolio I should most surely look to see +the cake when he come home."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I know; but you always spoiled him," +said Susan. "Well, what was I sayin'? +Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown said as Mrs. Macy +was tellin' her the other day as they've +got a idiot in Meadville—a real hereditary +one; the doctors have all studied him +an' it's a clear case right down from his +great-grandfather."</p> + +<p>"His great—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Grandfather," said Susan. "Yes, Mrs. +Lathrop, that is how it was, an' Mrs. Macy +says it's really so, for she see the tombstones +all but the mother's—hers ain't +done yet. Seems the idiocy come from +the great-grandfather's stoppin' on the +train crossin' to pick up a frog 'cause he +was runnin' for suthin' in connection with +the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty +to Animals."</p> + +<p>"The frog!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, the great-grandfather. Seems he +never stopped to consider as what'd kill a +frog would be sure to hit him, an' Mrs. +Macy says the doctors said as that was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span> +one very strong piece o' evidence against +the family brains right at the start, but +she says he really was smarter than they +thought, for the Society for the Prevention +of Cruelty to Animals paid for the funeral +an' for the grandmother's, too."</p> + +<p>"The grand—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"—Mother's," said Susan. "Yes, seems +the railway track was their back fence an' +she'd always begged an' prayed him at +the top o' her voice not to go to town that +way, but he would n't listen 'cause he was +stone-deaf an' then besides like all that +kind he always pretended not to hear what +he did n't want to. But anyhow she was +in the garden an' she see the train an' she +tried to get to him, an' whether she broke +a blood vessel yellin' or contracted heart +disease hoppin' up an' down, anyway she +fell over right then an' there an' it would +have been copied in all the newspapers all +over the country even if the mother—"</p> + +<p>"The moth—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Er," said Susan. "Yes, seems she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> +heard the yell an' run to the window so +quick she knocked the stick out as held +it up an' it come down on her head. So, +you see the idiocy come right straight down +in the family of the idiot for three generations +afore him."</p> + +<p>"I ain't sure," said Mrs. Lathrop, +thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"I ain't either," said Susan; "Mrs. Macy +says, she was n't either. No one in Meadville +never was."</p> + +<p>"An' yet—" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, as to that," said Susan, "that's +altogether another kind o' idiot. Henry +Ward Beecher won't die of his love even if +Emma won't have him, an' they'll both +always be the better an' happier for not +havin' one another, if they only knew it. +It's mighty easy to love folks an' think +how happy you'd always be with 'em as +long as you don't marry 'em. It's marryin' +'em an' livin' in the house with 'em as +shows you how hard it is to be really married. +I thank Heaven I'm only livin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> +in the house with Elijah an' not married +to him, so I can see my way ahead to gettin' +rid of him in a little while now. You don't +know how I ache to draw the curtains of +his room an' pin up the bed an' pour the +water out of his pitcher an' set a mouse +trap in there an' just know it is n't goin' +to be mussed up again."</p> + +<p>Susan sighed deeply.</p> + +<p>"How long—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I said three months," said Miss Clegg, +"an' that takes it over the Fourth of July. +My heavens alive, seems some days as if +I could n't but just live, an' the meanest +thing about a man is, he's so dead sure +as he makes you happy, bein' around the +house."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII" id="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII</h2> + +<p class="center">AN OLD-FASHIONED FOURTH</p> + + +<p>"Well, Elijah seems to have hit the +nail on its foot instead of its head +this time," said Miss Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop +on the noon of the Sunday before the +Fourth of July; "that editorial of his in +this week's paper ain't suitin' any one a <i>tall</i>. +I was down in the square yesterday an' +everybody as was there was talkin' about +it, an' to-day after church everybody was +still talkin' about it, an' gettin' more mad +all the time."</p> + +<p>"What—" began Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"The one about the celebration as he +printed in this week's paper," replied her +friend; "they was for discussin' nothin' +else after church to-day, an' one an' all is +dead set against the way as Elijah says.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span> +Them as has bought their fireworks ain't +pleased, of course, an' Mr. Kimball says +as he considers that Elijah had ought to +of consulted him afore he printed such a +article in the hind part of a uncle's store +that had just laid in a new supply of two +pounds of punk alone. Mr. Kimball says +as he'd planned a window display o' cannon +crackers pointin' all ways out of a fort +built o' his new dried apples an' now here's +Elijah comin' out in Saturday's paper for +an old-fashioned Fourth o' July without +no firecrackers a <i>tall</i>. Mr. Kimball says +he thinks Elijah ought to remember whose +nephew he is an' show some family feelin'; +he says punk is a thing as can never be +worked off in no bargain lot of odds an' +ends, an' he says his own Fourth o' July is +spoiled now anyway just by the shock of +the worry 'cause he can't be sure how +folks is goin' to be affected until the effect +is over, an' the Fourth o' July'll be over +mighty quick this year. 'T ain't like they +had most a week to calm down from Elijah's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> +new idea—they ain't got but just Monday +to decide an' buy their fireworks, too.</p> + +<p>"Judge Fitch says he can't quite make +out what Elijah meant by callin' for patriotic +speeches; he says he's willin' to +make a speech any day, but he says no +one ever wants to stop poppin' long enough +to listen to a speech on the Fourth o' July. +He says too as it's very hard to get a still +crowd that day 'cause people are afraid to +get absorbed listenin' for fear suthin' may +go off under 'em while they ain't keepin' +watch. Mr. Dill said that was true, 'cause +he had a personal experience that way in +his own dog; he says that dog would of +made a fine hunter only some one throwed a +torpedo at him one Fourth o' July, when +he was lookin' under a sidewalk, an' after +that that dog almost had a fit if a sparrow +chirped quick behind him. Mr. Dill said +he tried to cure him by stuffin' cotton in +his ears an' keepin' a cloth tied neatly +around his head, but then he read in the +paper about some deaf German as when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> +he played the piano always listened with +his teeth, an' he said that just made him +empty the cotton right out of the dog an' +give up.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Macy says what she wants to know +is what's Elijah tryin' to get at anyhow. +She says she always thought a barbecue +was a kind of cake an' she did n't know +white folks ever could lift their legs that +high, even if they felt to want to. She says +the idea of its bein' suthin' to eat in the +woods is surely most new to her an' she +ain't sure she wants to eat in the woods +anyhow. She says there's always flies an' +mosquitoes in the woods an' she's passed +the age o' likin' to drop down anywhere, +an' jump up any time, years ago. As for +cookin' in the woods she says that part of +Elijah's editorial is too much for every one. +She says she never hear of roastin' a ox +whole in a pit in her life; she says how is +the ox to be got into the pit an' what's to +cook him while he's in there an' when he's +cooked how's he to be got out again to eat?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> +She says she thinks Elijah has got a ox an' +a clam mixed in his mind, an' a pit an' a pile. +She says she knows they cook clams in piles +on the seashore, 'cause she's heard so from +people as has been there, an' besides she +seen a picture of one once.</p> + +<p>"Gran'ma Mullins came up an' she's most +awful troubled over the ox, too. She says +Hiram is got such a name for bein' strong +now that she just knows as they'll expect +him to put that ox into the pit when they're +ready to cook him, an' then lift him out +again when he's done. She says it's gettin' +too terrible about Hiram, every time as +somebody fat dies anywhere or there's a +piano to move or a barn to get up on jack-screws +they send right for Hiram to be one +o' the pallbearers an' give him the heaviest +corner. Why, she says the other day when +that refrigerator came for Polly White +they unloaded it right onto Hiram from +the train, an' not a soul dreamed as there +was shot packed in both sides of it to save +rates, until poor Hiram set it down to put<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span> +it on the other shoulder. She says too, +as she can't well see how a ox can be roasted +whole anyway; she says it'll be a awful +job gettin' his hair singed off in the first +place, an' she just knows they'll expect +Hiram to hold him an' twirl him while +he's singein'. Then, too, she says as the +whole of a ox don't want to be roasted +anyhow. The tongue has to be boiled an' +the liver has to be sliced an' the calves' +brains has to be breaded an' dipped in egg, +an' after he's roasted an' Hiram has got him +out o' the pit, who's to skin him then, she'd +like to know, for you can't tell her as anybody +can eat rawhide, even if it is cooked.</p> + +<p>"Deacon White come up, an' he said he +an' Polly would bring their own lunch an' +their own pillow an' blanket an' hammock +an' look on, 'cause Polly wanted to see the +fun an' they were n't intendin' to have +any fireworks anyhow. He said he was +curious about the ox himself; he said he +wondered where they'd get the ox, an' the +pit, too, for that matter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span></p> + +<p>"He said he wanted it distinctly understood +as he an' Polly'd bring their own +lunch an' neither borrow nor lend. He +said that rule would apply to the pillow +an' the blanket an' the hammock, the same +as to the lunch. There was some talk +after he was gone on how terrible close he +an' Polly are both gettin'. Seems kind of +funny, to be so savin' when you ain't got +nobody to save for, but the Whites an' +Allens was always funny an' what's bred +in the flesh always sticks the bones out +somewhere, as we all know.</p> + +<p>"The minister come up an' he said as +it says in the Bible as when the ox is in +the pit every one must join in an' help him +out, so he shall do his part an' bring all +his family with him. But he said he must +remark as to his order of thinkin' a ox +struck him as a most singular way to commemorate +the day our forefathers fought +an' bled over. He says he should have +thought a service o' song an' a much to be +desired donation towards <ins class="correction" title="Transcriber's note: typo for cleanin'">cleainin'</ins> out his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> +cistern would have been a more fittin' way +to spend the glorious Fourth in, than fixin' +a ox in a pit an' tryin' to bake him there. +He says he don't think it can be done anyhow, +he says a ox ain't no chestnut to stick +in the ashes till he bounces out cooked o' +his own accord.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Fisher says she sha'n't have nothin' +to do with any of it; they're all goin' to +the city, an' Mr. Fisher is goin' to a lecture +on that Russian that his country wants to +amalgamate for suthin' he's done; an' she +an' John Bunyan is goin' to the Hippodrome. +They want to see the girl turn +upside down in the automobile an' Mrs. +Fisher says she can hear about the ox +when she comes back.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Brown says they sha'n't go, 'cause +young Dr. Brown's afraid o' microbes in +the woods. He's goin' to disinfect everythin' +with that new smell he's invented +the day before the Fourth, an' then they're +goin' to have huckleberry biscuit an' watermelon +an' just spend a quiet day waitin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> +for any accidents as may maybe come +along. Mrs. Brown says young Dr. Brown is +always hopin' for another railroad smash-up +like that one that came while he was away +studyin'. She says it always seems too +bad it couldn't have come a year later, +when he was just back with that handsome +brand new set of doctor's knives an' forks +as he got for a prize." Susan paused.</p> + +<p>"Shall you—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, I sha'n't. I ain't interested in the +Fourth o' July. I never had nothin' to do +with it in the beginnin' an' I ain't never +had nothin' to do with it since. My own +idea's always been as the Boston people +was very foolish to go throwin' their tea +overboard sooner'n buy stamps. We all buy +stamps now an' no one thinks o' fussin' +over it, an' I guess we do a lot other things +as we'd never of had to do if we'd kept +our tea an' our mouths shut in the beginnin'. +They say tea is very cheap in England an' +very good, too, an' heaven knows nothin' +is cheap with us. Elijah says if it wasn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> +for his uncle he'd take a strong stand on +a low tariff, but my goodness, it looks to +me like he'd better not meddle with the +tariff—he's set the town by the ears +enough with his ox. I had a long talk +with him last night about the whole thing. +I don't know, I'm sure, how Elijah ever is +goin' to get on without me, for I certainly +do talk to him enough to keep him in ideas +right straight along. I was very kind last +night—but I was firm, too. In the end +I broke him down completely an' he told +me as he never meant it that way a <i>tall</i>. +He says he only drew a picture o' what the +Fourth o' July was in olden times. But +this town ain't good on pictures, we take +things right up by the handle an' deal with +'em a'cordin'."</p> + +<p>"But—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, of course not," said Susan, "but +they can take him up by the tail an' horns, +can't they?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII" id="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII</h2> + +<p class="center">CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE DAY</p> + + +<p>"Well," said Miss Clegg to her friend +the Sunday after the Fourth, "I'm +thankful to say as the game is up to-morrow +an' Elijah moves out of my house. We +never had no Fourth o' July like this afore +an' every one is prayin' as we'll never have +such another again. It was really very +peaceful in church this mornin' an' the collection +was thirty-two cents, so that shows +as folks is beginnin' to take heart again, but +you could see as they was all nervous an' +even the minister kept lookin' anxiously out +of the window whenever he thought as he +heard a noise. Mr. Weskin says he thinks +a house catchin' fire from bein' disinfected +comes under some head as lets the insurance +get paid anyhow an' he says if not he'll take<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> +the case for the Browns on even halves for +his heart is full o' sympathy for 'em. The +Browns was in church themselves to-day, +all but Amelia, an' I had the story from +them straight for the first time. Young +Dr. Brown says he can't understand any of +it; he says the stuff must be stirred in a +barrel for two hours without stoppin' an' +he says he'll let any man breathe a suspicion +as his mother stopped after he once +set her at it! Mrs. Brown says she did n't +stop neither, she says when she could n't +move her arms any more for love or money, +she stuck the broomstick through her belt +an' sat on the edge o' the barrel an' kept +the stuff stirrin' so. They poured in the +acid right after breakfast, an' then Dr. +Brown wanted the test to be thorough, so +they put a live fly in each room, shut the +doors between, shut all the windows, took +the silver out on the lawn, an' then threw +a match into the barrel an' run out the +coal cellar door.</p> + +<p>"Amelia is up at her father's an' ain't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> +able to speak of it yet, but Mrs. Brown +says her own view of it will always be as it +was a explosion. She says as she can't see +how you could call it anythin' else in the +world. She says they was all sittin' in the +arbor an' Amelia was just gettin' into the +hammock an' Dr. Brown was just beginnin' +on the King o' Spain's honeymoon in the +paper, with a picture of a bullfight to +illustrate it, when she heard such a noise +as she never will forget again in all her +life to come. She says her first thought +was as Amelia had bu'st the hammock, +for she says she tries to be kind to the +bosom wife of her chosen son, but Amelia +is surely most awful hard on anythin' as +you get in an' out of, but then she heard +the second noise, an' she says to her dyin' +day she won't be able to swear to nothin' +but as she thought it was San Francisco +quakin' right in our very middle. Why, +she says, she never for one second doubted +as it was a earthquake. The canary-bird +cage come sailin' out o' the dinin'-room<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> +window, all the chimneys went down with +a crash, an' Amelia give one yell an' fainted. +Mrs. Brown says she an' young Dr. Brown +did n't really know which way to turn for +a minute. They could n't seem to think +whether their first duty was to shake +Amelia or run around to the front of the +house. The windows was blowin' out as +fast as they could an' the most awful +smellin' smoke you ever smelt was pourin' +out after them! She said the smell was +bad enough when she was stirrin' the stuff +in the barrel, but exploded, it was just +beyond all belief. In the end they left +Amelia an' run 'round behind the house an' +if there was n't all the kitchen stove lids +comin' bangin' out at 'em an' all the feathers +from the pillows just rainin' down like +snow! They run aroun' to the side an' +there was Amelia's sheets o' music all over +the lawn an' jars o' pickles with the glass +lids gone, an' jelly tumblers an' weddin' +gold-rimmed china, an' in front an' on top +of all else if the fire did n't bu'st out!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Dr. Brown run for the fire engine then +an' every one was at home gettin' ready +for the picnic an' there wa'n't no one down +town a <i>tall</i>. He was all of ten minutes +findin' any one an' when he found him it +was only Mr. Shores, an' Mrs. Brown says +as gettin' out a fire engine with Mr. Shores +an' your house burnin' is suthin' as she +trusts will never be her lot again. She says +Mr. Shores would n't lay hold o' the engine +till after the cover was folded up neatly +an' then he wanted to dust the wheels afore +runnin' it out. Then after it was run out +an' got to the house, if there wa'n't no hose, +an' Dr. Brown had to run away back to the +engine house for the hose an' while he was +runnin' he met John Bunyan runnin' too +an' John Bunyan told him as the hose was +kept coiled up in the part as sticks up +behind the engine like a can. So they run +back together an' got it out an' run with +it to the well an' Dr. Brown was so excited +he dropped the hose in the well. Mrs. +Brown says she was nigh too mad by this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> +time with the house explodin' all over +again every few minutes an' things as you +never have around comin' sailin' out o' +the windows right in people's faces when +they was only there to be neighborly an' +look on. She was runnin' back an' forth +an' explainin' as it was n't for want o' +stirrin', for she stirred it herself, when +Sam Duruy come runnin' an' seems there's +always another hose tied up under the +engine an' he unhooked that an' John +Bunyan built a fire in the hole for fire while +they fixed the new hose in the cistern, but +oh my, the house was too far gone to be +saved by that time. So they pumped +some on Amelia just to try the hose, an' +then they helped pick up the things as +was blowed out of the windows. Mrs. +Brown says it was all most awful an' she +knows from her son's face as he thinks it +was all because she stopped stirrin' sometimes +durin' the two hours an' she declares +with tears as she never stopped stirrin' +once—not <i>once</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Mrs. Fisher says the way people is sick +from the smell shows as all the flies they +put in the rooms must of surely been killed, +so the experiment's a success in one way +at least. Mrs. Fisher walked part way +home with me an' we had a nice talk about +the Browns. She says the Browns is most +amusin' always in the ways they use flies; +she says when young Dr. Brown was little, +Mrs. Brown used to put a fly in the sugar-box +when she went down to the square +for things so she could tell when she come +back whether he'd been at the sugar, an' +so let the fly out. She says young Dr. +Brown cured her o' that happy thought +by takin' the fly out himself when she was +down town one time an' puttin' a mad +bee in instead. She says she guesses Dr. +Brown has given her many a little lesson +like that or he'd never be able to keep +her stirrin' anythin' as smells for two +hours."</p> + +<p>"Where—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, the Fitches took Amelia an' her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> +husband of course an' Mrs. Brown is goin' +over to Meadville to-morrow. Mrs. Macy +says maybe old Dr. Carter will marry her +now as she ain't got any house to be attached +to. I don't see why that would n't be a +good end for Mrs. Brown, she can step right +into Mrs. Carter's shoes—an' her clothes, +too, for that matter, for he never give away +a thing when she died. Yes, he did, too, +though, she wanted her nieces to have a +souvenir an' he give one the waist an' the +other the skirt to the same dress, but Mrs. +Fisher says what he would n't give away +to no man for love or money was all her +union underwear for winter. Seems she +always wore the best an' finest, an' when +she died Dr. Carter said he'd keep all them +union suits an' wear 'em out himself."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, an' I would n't either," said Miss +Clegg; "there would n't be no comfort +marryin' a man whose first wife could n't +call even her union suits her own after she +died, not to my order of thinkin'."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Was—" asked her friend.</p> + +<p>"Oh, the picnic?" said Susan, "no, that +was n't a success a <i>tall</i>. They spread the +tablecloth over a flyin' ant nest in the +first place an' Mrs. Macy says shad bones +is nothin' to the pickin' out as they had +to do while eatin' as a consequence. She +says they very soon found out as they was +under a wood-tick tree too, an' the children +run into a burr-patch after dinner. The +minister tried to teach the twins to fish +an' the bank caved in with 'em all three, +an' the minister had to go all the way home +that way. Gran'ma Mullins got a gnat +in her eye an' Hiram walked way back to +town for a flaxseed to put in it to get the +gnat out, an' crossin' the bridge he sneezed +an' the flaxseed just disappeared completely, +an' Lucy would n't let him go +back again, so all she could do was to keep +a-rubbin' till finally she rubbed it out. Mr. +Dill climbed up a tree to show as he could +still climb up a tree an' a branch broke an' +tore him so bad he had to walk home with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> +the minister,—I guess every one's glad +the Fourth's over."</p> + +<p>"How's—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Elijah? Oh, he went to town for the +day. He says it's him for town when +there 's anythin' goin' on in the country. +He come back lookin' like he'd really enjoyed +himself, but I was afraid he was +goin' to have a fever at first he talked so +queer in his sleep that night an' began all +his sentences with 'Here's to—' an' then +stopped in a most curious way. I was very +much relieved when I see him come downstairs +the next mornin', only his appetite +ain't what it was yet."</p> + +<p>"May—" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I don't think so. There ain't any +one for him to be in love with anyhow +unless it's 'Liza Em'ly. He's really too +smart for any girl in this community an' +he ain't got a single picture among his +things nor a letter as I don't know who +wrote it. I thought at first as he used to +call 'Annie' in his sleep the nights after<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> +we have dumplin's, but it ain't 'Annie' +he says; it's 'Aunty,' an' heaven knows +a aunt never broke no man's heart yet."</p> + +<p>Susan rose to go home.</p> + +<p>"I'm glad the Fourth's over, anyway," +she said as she took up her parasol and +mitts. "I think it's always a great strain +on the country, but even if no one never +likes it nor enjoys it, I suppose we must +keep on havin' it with us year after year, +for Elijah says as, as a nation, we're so +proud o' bein' ahead o' everythin' an' +everybody, that we'll die afore we'll go on +one step further. He says what's one day +o' terror a year beside the idea as we're +free to do as we please. Gran'ma Mullins +says all she can say is as she thanks God +for every Fourth o' July as leaves Hiram +whole, for he's the only apple she's got for +her eye an' she'd go stark ravin' mad if +anythin' was to tear him apart in the dream +of his youth."</p> + +<p>"Did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, solicitously.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, I can't stop to see if I did or +did n't now," said Miss Clegg; "to-night's +my last evenin' with Elijah an' I told him +to be sure an' be home early. We'll try +an' part pleasantly even though I should +be mighty mad at him if I thought as he +was half as glad to go as I am to get rid of +him. I don't like the ways of a man in the +house, Mrs. Lathrop,—they seem to act +like they thought you enjoyed havin' 'em +around. I can't see where they ever got +the idea in the first place, but it certainly +does seem to stick by 'em most wonderful."</p> + +<p>"There—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>Susan turned her head.</p> + +<p>"Yes, that's him comin'," she said; +"well, now I must go, Mrs. Lathrop. I'll +come over to-morrow an' tell you when I'm +free of him, bag an' baggage."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I do, too," said Miss Clegg, "but +you see I said for three months an' the +three months ain't up till to-morrow."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIX" id="CHAPTER_XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX</h2> + +<p class="center">EXIT THE MAN OUT OF SUSAN CLEGG'S HOUSE</p> + + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss +Clegg, coming over the evening +after, weary but triumphant, "Elijah is +gone an' I tell you I'll never be too tender-hearted +for my own good again. I won't +say but what it was me an' nobody else as +brought him down on my own head, but +I must fully an' freely state as it's certainly +been me an' no one else as has had to hold +my own head up under him. An' he <i>has</i> +been a load!</p> + +<p>"Why, Mrs. Lathrop, do you know that +man's stockin's alone has took me about one +mornin' a week, an' as to buttons—well, I +never knew a editor could bu'st 'em off so +fast. An' as to puttin' away what he took +off, or foldin' back things into the drawer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> +where they belongs, why, a monkey swingin' +upside down by his tail is busy carefully +keepin' house compared to Elijah Doxey.</p> + +<p>"I never see such a man afore! If +Hiram's anythin' like him I don't blame +Lucy for battin' him about as she does. +I did n't suppose such ways could be lived +with in oneself. An' that table where he +wrote! Well! I tell you I've got it cleared +off to-night an' my clean curtains folded off +on it, an' no man never sets foot on it again, +I can tell you <i>that</i>.</p> + +<p>"I won't say as it wa'n't a little tryin' +gettin' him off to-day an' I did feel to feel +real sober while I was hangin' his mattress +back to the rafters in the attic, but when I +remembered as I'd never see them bedclothes +kicked out at the foot again I +cheered up amazin'. Mrs. Brown come +in just afore supper an' she seemed to +think it was some queer as I was n't goin' +to miss Elijah, but I told her she did n't +know me. 'Mrs. Brown,' I says, 'your son +was a doctor an' you can't be expected to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> +know what it is to board a editor, so once +bit, soonest mended. She's mournin' over +her burnt house yet, so she could n't really +feel to sympathize with me, but I had n't +time to stop an' mourn with her,—I was +too busy packin' away Elijah's toilet set.</p> + +<p>"He got a good deal of ink around the +room, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I shall make Mr. +Kimball give me a bottle of ink-remover +free, seein' as he's his nephew; but I +don't see as he done any other real damage. +I looked the room over pretty sharp an' +I can't find nothin' wrong with it. I shall +burn a sulphur candle in there to-morrow +an' then wash out the bureau drawers an' +I guess then as the taste of Elijah'll be +pretty well out of my mouth.</p> + +<p>"I'm sure I don't know what we're +comin' to as to men, Mrs. Lathrop, for I +must say they seem more extra in the world +every day. Most everythin' as they do +the women is able to do better now, an' +women is so willin' to be pleasant about it, +too. Not as Elijah was n't pleasant—I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> +never see a more pleasant young man, but +he had a way of comin' in with muddy +boots an' a smile on his face as makes me +nothin' but glad as he's left my house an' +gone to Polly White's."</p> + +<p>"Won't you—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"No, I won't,—not if I know myself. +I ain't never been lonesome afore in my +life an' I ain't goin' to begin now. Bein' +lonesome is very fine for them as keeps a +girl to do their work, but I have to slave +all day long if there's anybody but me +around the house, an' I don't like to slave. +I guess Elijah's expectin' to be lonesome +though, for he asked me if I'd mind his +comin' up an' talkin' over the Personal +column with me sometimes. I could see +as he was more'n a little worried over how +under the sun he was goin' to run the +paper without me. As a matter of fact, +Mrs. Lathrop, I've been the main stay of +that paper right from the first. Not to +speak o' boardin' the editor, I've supplied +most o' the brains as run it. You know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> +as I never am much of a talker, but I did +try to keep Elijah posted as to how things +was goin' on an' the feelin' as no matter +what I said, it was him an' not me as +would be blamed if there was trouble, +always kept up my courage. There's a +many nights as I've kept him at his work +an' a many others as I've held him down +to it. Elijah has n't been a easy young +man to manage, I can tell you."</p> + +<p>Susan stopped and sighed.</p> + +<p>"I like to think how he's goin' to miss me +now," she said, "I made him awful comfortable. +Polly'll never do all the little things +as I did. It's a great satisfaction when a +man leaves your house, Mrs. Lathrop, to +know as he'll be bound to wish himself +back there many an' many time."</p> + +<p>"What—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I'll find plenty to do," said Susan +Clegg, "it ain't made a mite of difference +in my life. I shall go on livin' just the +same as ever. Nothin's changed for me +just because for three months I had a man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span> +in the house. I ain't even altered my +general views o' men any, for land knows +Elijah wa'n't so different from the rest of +them that he could teach me much as is new. +I ain't never intended to get married anyway, +so he ain't destroyed my ideals none, +an' I told Mr. Kimball when I took him +as I'd agree to keep him three months an' +I would n't agree for love or money to keep +him any longer, an' I've kept him for three +months an' no love or money could of made +me keep him a day longer."</p> + +<p>"Did n't you—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Why, yes, I liked him," said Susan, +"there were spots durin' the time when I +felt to be real fond of him, but laws, that +did n't make me want to have him around +any more than I had to. But you know +as well as I do that a woman can like a +man very much an' still be happiest when +she ain't got him on her hands to fuss with. +I was n't built to fuss, Mrs. Lathrop, as +you know to your cost, for if I had been +I'd of been over here two days a week<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> +tidyin' up out of pure friendship, for the +last twenty years. But no, I ain't like +that—never was an' never will be—an' +I ain't one to go pitchin' my life hither an' +yon an' dancin' wildly first on one leg an' +then the other from dawn to dusk for other +people. Elijah's come an' Elijah's gone an' +his mattress is hung back to the rafter in +the attic an' his sulphur candle is all bought +to burn to-morrow an' when that's over +an' the smell's over too I shall look to +settle down an' not have nothin' more to +upset my days an' nights till your time +comes, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I hope to goodness +as it won't come in the night, for +boardin' a editor has put me all at outs +with night work."</p> + +<p>"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Well, if you say so, I'll believe it," said +Miss Clegg; "for I will say this for you, +Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is as with all your +faults you've never yet told me nothin' as +I've found out from others afterwards +was n't true."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h4><a name="A_Masterpiece_of_Native_Humor" id="A_Masterpiece_of_Native_Humor"></a><i>A Masterpiece of Native Humor</i></h4> + +<h1>SUSAN CLEGG AND HER<br /> +FRIEND MRS. LATHROP</h1> + + +<p class="center">By ANNE WARNER</p> + +<p class="center">Author of "A Woman's Will," etc.</p> + + +<p class="center">With Frontispiece. 227 pages. 12mo. $1.00.</p> + + +<p>It is seldom a book so full of delightful humor comes +before the reader. Anne Warner takes her place in the +circle of American woman humorists, who have achieved +distinction so rapidly within recent years.—<i>Brooklyn Eagle</i>.</p> + +<p>Nothing better in the new homely philosophy style of +fiction has been written.—<i>San Francisco Bulletin</i>.</p> + +<p>Anne Warner has given us the rare delight of a book +that is extremely funny. Hearty laughter is in store for +every reader.—<i>Philadelphia Public Ledger</i>.</p> + +<p>Susan is a positive contribution to the American characters +in fiction.—<i>Brooklyn Times</i>.</p> + +<p>Susan Clegg is a living creature, quite as amusing and +even more plausible than Mrs. Wiggs. Susan's human +weaknesses are endearing, and we find ourselves in sympathy +with her.—<i>New York Evening Post</i>.</p> + +<p>No more original or quaint person than she has ever +lived in fiction.—<i>Newark Advertiser</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<p class="center">LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., <span class="smcap">Publishers</span>, BOSTON</p> + +<p class="center"><i>At all Booksellers'</i></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h4><a name="Another_Popular_Susan_Clegg_Book" id="Another_Popular_Susan_Clegg_Book"></a><i>Another Popular "Susan Clegg" Book</i></h4> + +<h1>SUSAN CLEGG AND<br /> +HER NEIGHBORS' AFFAIRS</h1> + + +<p class="center"><i>By</i> ANNE WARNER</p> + +<p class="center">With frontispiece. 12mo. Cloth, $1.00</p> +<hr /> + +<p>All the stories brim over with quaint humor, caustic +sarcasm, and concealed contempt for male folk and matrimonial +chains.—<i>Philadelphia Ledger</i>.</p> + +<p>Anything more humorous than the "Susan Clegg" stories +would be hard to find.—Jeannette L. Gilder, Editor of +<i>Putnam's Magazine</i>.</p> + +<p>The best work that Anne Warner has published. Miss +Clegg has become an institution in the humor of America.—<i>Baltimore +Sun</i>.</p> + +<p>Her "Susan Clegg" stories, rich in pungent humor and +extremely clever in their portrayal of quaint and amusing +character, deserve a place among the choice specimens of +American humorous literature—which means the best +humorous literature in the world.—<i>New York Times</i>.</p> + +<p>Sure to be welcomed by that large class of readers who +found in "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop" one +of the most genuinely humorous books ever written by a +woman on this side of the Atlantic.—<i>St. Louis Globe-Democrat</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<p class="center">LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., <span class="smcap">Publishers</span></p> + +<p class="center">254 <span class="smcap">Washington Street. Boston</span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h4><a name="A_New_Story_by_the_Author_of_Susan_Clegg" id="A_New_Story_by_the_Author_of_Susan_Clegg"></a><i>A New Story by the Author of "Susan Clegg"</i></h4> + + +<h1>THE REJUVENATION +OF AUNT MARY</h1> +<p class="center">By ANNE WARNER</p> + +<p class="center">Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop," +"A Woman's Will," etc.</p> + +<p class="center">With four full page illustrations.</p> + +<p class="center">12mo. Decorated cloth, $1.50.</p> + +<p>This very clever and original story by the creator of +"Susan Clegg" will add materially to her reputation as +a writer of popular fiction. "Aunt Mary" and her +adventures in New York are simply delicious; and her +nephew, Jack, and his college friends, who personally +conduct her through the metropolis, are brimful of +brightness and humor. A pretty love story runs through +the book. "Aunt Mary's" magazine début delighted +thousands of readers, and the publication of the story in +a more permanent form, with new chapters, and scenes, +will increase her popularity.</p> + +<p>Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American +woman humorists, who have achieved distinction so rapidly +within recent years.—<i>Brooklyn Eagle</i>.</p> + +<p>Anne Warner is not only a funmaker but adds to that the +quality of sympathy with her characters.—<i>Public Opinion</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<p class="center">LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., <span class="smcap">Publishers</span>, BOSTON</p> + +<p class="center"><i>At all Booksellers'</i></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h4><a name="An_International_Love_Comedy" id="An_International_Love_Comedy"></a><i>An International Love Comedy</i></h4> + +<h1>A WOMAN'S WILL</h1> +<p class="center">By ANNE WARNER</p> + +<p class="center">Author of "Susan Clegg and Her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."</p> + +<p>It is a relief to take up a volume so absolutely free from +stressfulness. The love-making is passionate, the +humor of much of the conversation is thoroughly delightful. +The book is as refreshing a bit of fiction as one often finds; +there is not a dull page in it.—<i>Providence Journal</i>.</p> + +<p>It is bright, charming, and intense as it describes the +wooing of a young American widow on the European +Continent by a German musical genius.—<i>San Francisco +Chronicle</i>.</p> + +<p>A deliciously funny book.—<i>Chicago Tribune</i>.</p> + +<p>There is a laugh on nearly every page.—<i>New York Times</i>.</p> + +<p>Most decidedly an unusual story. The dialogue is nothing +if not original, and the characters are very unique. There +is something striking on every page of the book.—<i>Newark +Advertiser</i>.</p> + +<p>A more vivacious light novel could not be found.—<i>Chicago +Record-Herald</i>.</p> + +<p class="center">Illustrated by I. H. Caliga. 360 pages. 12mo.</p> + +<p class="center">Decorated cloth, $1.50.</p> +<hr /> +<p class="center">LITTLE, BROWN, & CO., <span class="smcap">Publishers</span>, BOSTON</p> + +<p class="center"><i>At all Booksellers'</i></p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Susan Clegg and a Man in the House, by Anne Warner + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUSAN CLEGG AND A MAN IN THE HOUSE *** + +***** This file should be named 22872-h.htm or 22872-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/8/7/22872/ + +Produced by becky1166, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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