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diff --git a/22805.txt b/22805.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f86f28 --- /dev/null +++ b/22805.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1921 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +March 22, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 22, 1916 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 29, 2007 [eBook #22805] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 150, MARCH 22, 1916*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22805-h.htm or 22805-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/8/0/22805/22805-h/22805-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/8/0/22805/22805-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +MARCH 22, 1916 + + + + + + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "How is it you're not at the Front, young man?" + +"'Cause these ain't no milk at that end, mum."] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +Portugal is now officially at war with Germany, and the dogs of +frightfulness are already toasting "_der Tagus_." + + *** + +At first the report that ENVER PASHA had gone to pay a visit to the tomb +of the PROPHET at Medina caused a feeling of profound depression in +Constantinople; but it is now recognised that there was no other course +open to him, as MAHOMET was not in a position to visit the Pasha. + + *** + +SVEN HEDIN is reported to be at Constantinople, on his way to the +Turkish Front. It is supposed that he will undertake the writing of the +official despatches, a duty to which the innate modesty of the Osmanli +prevents him from doing full justice. + + *** + +A salmon containing a label marked "U 100" was recently caught in the +Avon. No trace of the crew has been found. + + *** + +It has been discovered in Germany that General HINDENBERG is descended +from CHARLEMAGNE, and an attempt by certain admirers of the Prussian +General to visit the scenes of his ancestor's exploits has only been +abandoned as the result of an unaccountable opposition on the part of +the French. + + *** + +"Bigamy," declares Mr. Justice Low, "is as low a form of crime as +drunkenness." On the other hand there is this to be said for it, that it +is seldom found, like drunkenness, to develop into a habit. + + *** + +A large number of German barbers, it is said, have become naturalized +since the commencement of the War, and are now engaged in capturing the +trade from the British barbers, many of whom have been taken for +military service. Not for nothing, it seems, did the KAISER in one of +his famous speeches, "The razor must be in our fist." + + *** + +Mr. TENNANT told the House of Commons last week that the War Office had +3,000,000 goat skins. As the statement has given rise to a certain +uneasiness it should be explained that all the goats have been safely +extracted. + + *** + +Notwithstanding reports to the contrary, says an official German +telegram, the new submarine warfare is in full swing. It should only be +a matter of time before those responsible for it find themselves in a +similar situation. + + *** + +A draughtsman of Babylonian and Assyrian antiquities has been discharged +by the British Museum in the interests of economy. The artist, it is +reported, has already had several attractive offers of employment as a +Parliamentary cartoonist. + + *** + +Onions, we are told, have reached the unprecedented price of thirty +shillings a hundredweight, and several of the old established onion bars +in the City may have to close their doors. + + *** + +It is useless, Mr. HUGHES warns his English admirers, to defeat Germany +in the field unless adequate steps are also taken to stop her inroads +upon the Empire's trade. What is wanted is, of course, a counter-stroke. + + *** + +A well-informed neutral states that the Grand Admiral TIRPITZ'S +unexpected retirement was caused by a rush of blood to the hands. + + * * * * * + +Another Bulgarian Atrocity. + + "The position in Monastir is intolerable, owing to the orgies of + the Bulgarian comitadjis. The Greek refugees are in a pitiable + plight, especially now the Greek consul has 1 ft."--_Balkan + News._ + +Thus crippled he cannot, of course, display his usual activity. + + * * * * * + +THE KAISER ON KILIMANJARO. + +[Correspondence in _The Times_ has recalled the fact that Kilimanjaro, +from whose neighbourhood the enemy has just been expelled, was included +in German East Africa at the special desire of the KAISER (then PRINCE +WILLIAM OF PRUSSIA). It appears that he took a peculiar interest in the +fauna and flora of that district. Incidentally, the highest peak of +Kilimanjaro (19,000 feet) is named Kaiser Wilhelm Spitze. The author of +these lines does not claim a close acquaintance with the natural history +and botany of this region, and cannot therefore vouch for the accuracy +of his details.] + + O mountain of the sounding name, + Kilimanjaro! + Almost as loud as my own fame, + Kilimanjaro! + Plucked from my Empire's jewelled hem + I deemed you once the fairest gem + In my Colonial diadem, + Kilimanjaro! + + Not for your height, though you are high, + Kilimanjaro! + And practically scrape the sky, + Kilimanjaro! + But for the beasts and birds and flowers + That nestle in your snowy bowers + I loved you best of all my dowers, + Kilimanjaro! + + In one of my Imperial jaunts, + Kilimanjaro! + I looked to penetrate their haunts, + Kilimanjaro! + It was among my dearest hopes + To slay canaries on your slopes + Or trap elusive antelopes, + Kilimanjaro! + + I had a passionate wish to snare + (Kilimanjaro!) + Your local beetle in his lair, + Kilimanjaro! + O'er precipices stiff with ice + (Perils for me are full of spice) + To cull your starry edelweiss, + Kilimanjaro! + + Alas! the lovely vision fades, + Kilimanjaro! + Never amid your musky glades, + Kilimanjaro-- + Never shall I (_Gott strafe_ SMUTS!) + Surprise your monkeys gathering nuts + Or chase your wombats' flying scuts, + Kilimanjaro! + + And when, as I suppose it must, + Kilimanjaro! + My spirit sheds its mortal crust, + Kilimanjaro! + They'll find beneath my mailed vest + Your name indelibly impressed + (Along with Calais) on my chest, + Kilimanjaro! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "With the use of the various kinds of periscopes we could see + quite clearly every movement on the German side, and even hear + them talking."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +Try our new periscope, with telephone-attachment. + + * * * * * + +From a sale catalogue:-- + + "Remains of Summer Waistcoats, from 3/11." + +Nothing doing. Our motto is _Vestigia nulla retrorsum_. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. XXXVI. + +(_From Herr WOLFGANG OFFENMAUL, an actor_). + +Most Gracious Majesty,--How strangely and uncomfortably the Fates sport +with us! It is but two years ago, I remember, that it came into my head +to look forward to the far-off day when I should shake off the stage and +all its agitations, its triumphs, its disappointments and even its +jealousies and its quarrels, and should be able to live my own life in +the pleasant and happy world of reality. But I put the thought by, for +much still remained to me to be endured and achieved in my profession, +and I thought that some day, if matters turned out favourably, I might +have the supreme glory of impersonating _Hamlet_ or _Macbeth_ under the +very eye of your Imperial Majesty and of noting that you were not +displeased with the performance of one of the most devoted of your +subjects. This hope, springing up in my breast, gave me new strength and +a fresh joy in the often dull round of my daily task, for in matters of +the stage your Majesty, being, as we often say among ourselves, the +greatest actor of us all and having from the earliest years imbibed the +love of the footlights and the limelight, is an incomparable judge of +the true histrionic art, and a word of praise from you is worth columns +and columns in the newspapers. It is to us as when a cobbler's boots are +praised by a rival cobbler. + +And there is another point which then kept me from giving way any +further to my dreams of retirement from the theatre. Real life, so calm +for the most part and so regular, is but a dull thing to those who live +a fictitious life on the boards, in the midst of excitements and honour +and crimes, with murder and sudden death awaiting them, as it were, +round the corner. After _Hamlet_ has seen his mother's death, has killed +_Laertes_ and the _King_ and has himself expired, what is it to him to +come to life again and to sit down, without his royal trappings to a +supper of sausage and potatoes, while his wife sits by and darns his +stockings and the baby begins to cry in its cot? So thought I, and +resolved to continue my career of acting, though I acknowledged that +some day, perhaps, in the very distant future, retirement might have its +attractions. + +All this was before the War broke out. When that happened I, like the +rest, was seized and thrust into a uniform and made to remember my drill +and was presented with a rifle and a bayonet. Finally, with my regiment +I was marched off to the Front in France, where I still linger in daily +expectation of death. Dreadful things have I seen, men blown into +nothingness by shells, men pierced through and through by the steel, +women murdered and worse than murdered, and children crushed under +fallen walls--sights I cannot bear to think of, though they force +themselves upon me and murder sleep. I was, perhaps, unduly contemptuous +of real life, but now I abhor it and try in vain to put it away from me. +I desire with a full-hearted longing to return to that life of +imagination where the most dreadful bloodshed ends at about eleven +o'clock every evening, without leaving any impression on those who take +part. Yes, give me again the life of the theatre and remove far away +this brutal scenery of trenches and shells and bombs and quick-firers +and men summoned from peace and ease to cut one another's throats +because a histrion KAISER has so willed it and none of his subjects +dared to say him nay. To get away from this and never to return to it I +would willingly consent to play the _First Murderer_ in _Macbeth_ for +the remainder of my life. It would be an innocent and an honourable +occupation compared with what I am forced day by day and night by night +to endure. + +Yours, in respectful despair, WOLFGANG OFFENMAUL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR. + +Mr. McKenna. "PREMIUM BONDS TO HELP TO WIN THE WAR! OH, MY DEAR FRIENDS! +THINK OF OUR MORAL PRINCIPLES!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +XXXVI. + +My dear Charles,--I am afraid you'll be worrying about me again, +wondering why I'm lying doggo, what mischief I'm up to, or whether +anything has happened to me. Something has happened, but I'm not quite +sure myself what it is. Anyhow, I'll tell you all I know. It wasn't in +the _Gazette_ proper; it was in the "Memoranda." It referred to a Second +Lieutenant (Temporary Lieutenant), intimating that he was to hold the +acting rank of Captain while engaged in present duties, which looks to +me as if they are giving nothing away but want to keep in with me till +they have settled up matters with the Bosch. When the trouble shows +signs of being about to end, they'll either make me a Temporary General +and hand me over to the enemy as a sop, or else they will turn round on +me and tell me that, being a Temporary Memorandum, I'm nothing at all; +am I going quietly or must they put the handcuffs on me? As the saying +is, "it ain't 'ardly safe"; at any moment one may find oneself in a +bowler hat being jostled by the crowd and wholly estranged from Mr. Cox, +of Charing Cross. Meanwhile I'm a Captain, or parading as such, and I +carry in my pocket a leash of "crowns" and a yard of braid (with +adhesive back) in case of further developments. + +Talking of civilian hats, by the way, my particular class of soldier, +never spoilt by over-fussing, has dismal expectations as to the +_finale_. We feel that, when the other side sees light and is prepared +to submit to judgment, with costs, we shall be the last to leave for +home, and when we get there all the beer will be sold out. + +Meanwhile I'm going along nicely, and by saying nothing but looking a +lot I've created quite an air of importance around me, which induces all +sorts of regimental officers to salute me at first sight and to wish +they hadn't on further acquaintance. It's an ever-increasing difficulty, +this matter of saluting: in a part of the world where there's a General +round every other corner I can never make up my mind on the spur of the +moment what to do about Majors and suchlike. Some like a salute, others +don't. I have invented a gesture of my own which is entirely +non-committal and gives satisfaction to both. Those who don't look for a +salute put it down to an excess of geniality; those who do expect one +put it down to ignorance combined with anxiety to please. + +Only once has it got me into trouble so far. The occasion is worth +mentioning, since I was at the time talking to a General in a public +place. (Yes, there we were, talking away about nothing in particular, +"conversing," I might say, just as it might have been you and myself +passing the time of day. _Very_ impressive). A Major, one of the +expectant sort, came up from behind the General; when he was within +distance of the august back he saluted it. It was one of those salutes +which could be felt, but, as it happened, the General didn't feel it. +The problem at once arose, what was I to do, with the Major's stony eye +full upon me? The waggle, obviously, but in a modified degree, since it +doesn't do to be fidgetting with your hands when you're being talked to +by your elders and betters. I went through the motions, therefore, +meaning them to mean that, though I was chatting with a General, yet I +wasn't above saluting a Major. He mistook the movement, however, and +thought that I thought that, because I was chatting with a General, +therefore he'd saluted me! My goodness, we nearly lost the War that +time! + +But don't you believe all this talk about military discipline. Take the +case of my own Colonel, for instance, a man who, before he took to staff +work, had probably dug enough trenches, put out enough barbed wire and, +generally, made enough mess of respectable agricultural land to earn for +himself a special vote of censure from the United Association of French +and Belgian Farmers. Now, there's a soldier, if ever there was one; but +are his orders obeyed when they don't fit in with the convenience of his +subordinates? + +You shall judge for yourself. The other day he made up his mind, not +casually or by the way, but in writing, duly signed, sealed and +circulated, that "The moon will rise to-morrow at 4.43 A.M." Did the +moon comply? No, Sir, it did not; I'm told it was absent from parade +altogether. Did my Colonel put it under arrest? Did he even call for its +reasons in writing? Again, no. On the contrary, he weakly gave in, +saying that he'd got the time out of an almanack supplied by his +Insurance Company, and that "the man from the Insurance" was to blame +for sticking the pages together and getting him into an inappropriate +month. What I say is an order's an order, and it is nothing to do with +the moon where the Colonel gets his ideas from. + +Call it fear or favour, I only know that when I'm informed that I am to +rise at 5 A.M. to-morrow morning, and, with no intention of disobeying, +I ask very quietly and very politely if they remember that this is March +and not July, at the very least I shall be told that I ought to be +ashamed of being a civilian instead of openly behaving as such. Yours +ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * +ANOTHER INDISPENSABLE. + +[Illustration: The war artist's model.] + + * * * * * + +Herodias? + + "Any lady requiring Head of two Parlourmaids or Under + Parlourmaid, we know of several."--_Morning Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Bombardier G. Dougherty, R.A.M.C. ... has been given the D.C.M. + ... for twice repairing telephone wires under a terrific storm + of fire."--_Morning Paper._ + +Conscientious objectors will note the new rank and duty of R.A.M.C. men. + + * * * * * + + "Two large jewel robberies in London, in which property to the + value of several thousands of pounds has been stolen, are being + invested by the police."--_Morning Paper._ + +In Exchequer Bonds, no doubt. But we hope they have reserved a few pairs +of bracelets for the thieves when they catch them. + + * * * * * + +MR. JOHN'S PORTRAIT OF MR. GEORGE. + +The generally favourable opinion of MR. AUGUSTUS JOHN'S striking +portrait of MR. LLOYD GEORGE is not shared by everybody. The following +criticism of the picture has reached us, and as it represents a point of +view which, so far as we know, has not found sympathy in the Press +opinions which have already appeared, we print it for the edification of +the artist, the sitter and any others who may have a few moments to +devote to the subject. + +I should like to say (writes our correspondent) on behalf of myself and +of many worthy members of my congregation that MR. AUGUSTUS JOHN has +missed a great opportunity in painting his portrait of our greatest +Welshman. + +In the first place, surely it lacks dignity. In it Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who +is pre-eminently a man capable of looking you straight in the eye, is +depicted as looking someone else obliquely in the eye. I would that his +strong features had been accompanied by a direct and thoughtful gaze, +instead of that petulant side-glance, which to all of us who know the +smiling candour of the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS is so foreign an +expression. + +I cannot speak with authority about the sitter's raiment. At the same +time I must register my dislike of these clothes, which appear to have +the mud of the golf-links still fresh upon them. Surely the artist +should have persuaded Mr. LLOYD GEORGE to wear his black coat and vest +for the occasion. + +Hanging from a cord is something in the nature of an aid to vision. I +cannot determine whether it is a pince-nez or a monocle. The uncertainty +is irritating. Is it possible that the MINISTER has taken to wearing a +single eye-glass? If so, why has not the artist put it in the sitter's +eye? And as to the hair--Heaven forbid that I should cast any reflection +upon any man of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE's age possessing abundant locks; on the +contrary, I congratulate him; but in all my experience I have never yet +known a portrait to be taken without the sitter being requested first of +all to brush his hair. Why has Mr. AUGUSTUS JOHN flown in the face of +all precedent by neglecting this simple yet desirable precaution? + +I feel very strongly that nothing in the portrait indicates the sitter's +nationality, his profession, his love of home, his favourite recreation +or his religious convictions. These, I venture to say, are grave +omissions. The picture is sadly wanting in suitable accessories. If I +had been painting it I should have put a simple yellow daffodil in the +MINISTER'S buttonhole, and pictured through an open window a sunlit bed +of leeks, with perhaps a goat gambolling among them. I should have +represented the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS in his study practising putting +with a small bomb. And on the wall should have been a life-size portrait +of the Rev. Dr. CLIFFORD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer at Front_ (_reading letter from home_). "The +other day we went to see the ruins of a house which had been bombed by a +Zeppelin. You can't imagine what it was like!"] + + * * * * * + +"The elements so mixed" again. + + "The air is the new element, and all the evidence suggests that + we are at sea in it." _Star._ + + * * * * * + +Le Mouton Enrage. + + "Sheep, and also other wild animals, have a trying time in + procuring their necessary food." + +That's what makes them so wild. + + * * * * * + +A Hero at Zero. + + "Fish for the Canadian troops. The supply has been organised by + Major Hughie Green, who is known as the 'Canadians' + Fishmonger-General,' and has travelled in a frozen condition + 2,000 miles across the Dominion."--_Daily Mirror._ + + * * * * * + + "A young farm hand who appealed to the Coalville Tribunal for + exemption yesterday, when asked whether an older brother could + not take his place on the farm, replied that his brother's feet + were too small for work on the land."--_Morning Paper._ + +We hope that his own are not too cold for work in the trenches. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Mark Blow will be known henceforth as 'Mr. + Mark.'"--_Theatrical Paper._ + +The Blow may have fallen, but this British Mark shows no decline. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW PATRIOTISM. + +Epoch-Making Assembly. + +A public meeting, summoned under the auspices of the Candid Friends of +England, has just been held at the Hall of the Grousers' Company, in +Little Britain. The chair was taken by Mr. OUTHWAITE. + +The Chairman, opening the meeting, said that the inception of the League +was due to a number of public-spirited men who had come to the +conclusion, very unwillingly, that the country was still insufficiently +instructed as to the inherent and abysmal incapacity of every member of +the Government. (Cheers.) It was true that certain sections of the Press +did what they could to point this out, and there was also the noble, +patriotic and self-sacrificing work carried on in the House at +Question-time. (Loud cheers.) But he was sorry to say that there still +remained a considerable and, alas! not wholly negligible number of +persons in the country who hugged the quaint superstition that a Cabinet +Minister could be earnest, capable and diligent. It was these benighted +folk whom they desired to reach and convert. Not till every Englishman +had been convinced that England was rotten could he (the speaker) and +his friends rest content. (Frantic applause.) They were met to-day to +listen to the views of various eminent gentlemen as to how best to +spread this gospel. + +Sir ARTHUR MARKHAM, who was received with cheers, said that no one who +had followed his recent speeches could be in any doubt as to the +turpitude and sloth of the men whom a mischievous caprice had set at the +head of this country's affairs. He for one should never cease to clamour +for their dismissal. He begged to move a resolution that in the opinion +of that important and representative meeting a complete change of +Government was instantly necessary. (A Voice: "Not only now, but +always.") No doubt there was something in what that gentleman said, but +for the present perhaps "always" had better be omitted. The essence of +the truest patriotism was distrust of one's rulers and dissatisfaction +with one's country. (Hear! Hear!). + +Mr. AUSTIN HARRISON, in seconding, said that the finest heritage of an +Englishman was freedom of speech, and the more that freedom became +licence the finer the Englishman. (Cheers.) By freedom of speech he +meant the right to say instantly whatever came into one's head, +particularly if it appeared to belittle one's own country. Because one +could not belittle England really. England was too great for that. But +it was salutary to try. It was also valuable to our Allies, because it +tended to prove to them how much in earnest and how united we must be. + +A great sensation was now caused by the appearance of "An Englishman" +from Carmelite Street. This gentleman, who, like the man who dined with +the KAISER, desiring his anonymity to be respected, wore a John Bull +mask and brandished an ebony cane, made the PRIME MINISTER the special +mark of his attack. What, he asked, could be expected of a politician so +crafty and lost to shame as to bid the House wait and see? Was it not +the very essence of good statesmanship to blurt out everything at once? +Only a craven time-server would say wait and see. Waiting was a +contemptuous proceeding wherever practised, and seeing required eyes, +which Heaven knows the PREMIER woefully lacked. (Cheers.) What right had +an incorrigible hoodwinker such as Mr. ASQUITH to advise anyone to see? +It was monstrous. Let the people get rid of this impostor without a +twinge of compunction, and the sooner the better. As to swapping horses +in mid-stream being unwise, perhaps it was, but it was not unwise in the +way that waiting to see was. (Applause.) + +Another masked gentleman, who was understood to be "Callisthenes" of +Oxford Street, now rose to make a few useful suggestions. He said that +as the only journalist who wrote what was practically the leading +article in four evening papers every day, he surely was entitled to +speak with some authority. The question was how to get it into the +country's head that England's only chance for recovering her +self-respect and winning the War was to cry stinking fish? (Loud +cheers.) Well, the best way was to keep on saying it in and out of +season. His experience had taught him that everything will bear saying +not merely three times, but three thousand times and three. + +Mr. AMERY said it was ridiculous to suppose that any Cabinet Minister +wished the War to end or England to be victorious. The contrary was an +axiom on which the whole future of his political creed was based. One +had but to look at them to see how flabby and vacillating they were and +how devoted to the pickings of office. + +Mr. HOGGE said that the Chairman in his opening remarks had disregarded +one of the most valuable media for spreading the blessed news that +England was at her last gasp, throttled by place-hunters and parasites. +That was the variety stage. It was wonderful what a good comic song +could do. He had heard one only the night before, in which its singer +had been vociferously applauded at the end of a verse which stated that +there were now no German spies in England because they had all been +naturalised and given War Office clerkships. That was the kind of home +truth which the public appreciated and even paid their money to hear. +There could not be too many songs of that kind. + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that another way was to induce publishers to issue +new and amended editions of those popular writers who had been betrayed +by impulsiveness or short-sight into eulogies of England. He remembered +several such unfortunate outbursts in the works of the national poet. +There was, for example, that ill-balanced utterance of the dying JOHN OF +GAUNT in praise of our little isle; but of course one could not expect +the intellect to be at its best just before dissolution. Still, they +would all agree that SHAKSPEARE would be the wholesomer without that +passage. (Cheers.) + +The Chairman then put the resolution to the meeting and it was carried +unanimously. In bidding the gathering farewell the Chairman impressed +upon them that their rule of life should be a constant and voluble +mistrust of our leaders. It should be a point of honour with them to +deny that the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY could possibly know anything +about the Navy, or wish it to succeed; that the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER could possibly know anything about finance; or the PRIME +MINISTER have the elements even of common intelligence. (Loud cheers.) + +The meeting then broke up singing either "For they (the Cabinet) are +wholly bad fellows," or "Fool Britannia, Britannia's fooled and slaved." + + * * * * * + +Fashions for Fathers. + + "The bride was given away by her father, who was daintily gowned + in a pale blue silk dress, with veil and orange blossoms lent by + the bride's eldest sister."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Very often it happens that a blank space is seen in the press, + especially in the _Sheung Po_, the organ of the Seventy-two + Guilds. It is surprising to see to-day's issue of that paper. A + space, about one and a half feet long and six feet wide, is + vacant. Only five words remain in that space, namely, 'Taken + away by the Censor.'"--_South China Morning Post._ + +Some of our censors should go to China. They would have real scope +there. + + * * * * * + + "The French Government emphatically and categorically denounce + as lies many statements made in the German official reports on + the fighting in the Verdun theatre. Although, they say, the + Germans usually travesty the truth, they have not before issued + such fragrant lies."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Their offence is rank; it smells to heaven. + + * * * * * + +DRESS "AS USUAL." + +(_A Protest from Mr. Punch_.) + +[The National Organising Committee for War Savings has issued an appeal +against extravagance in women's dress.] + + Certain ladies--just a section + Of our spindle side-- + Swerving in a wrong direction, + Dress have deified; + And, as incomes grow more slender, + Bring discredit on their gender + By refusing to surrender + Fashion for their guide. + + Most of England's wives and daughters + Play a noble part, + In the very deepest waters + Never losing heart; + Danger and privation braving, + Nursing, helping, toiling, slaving, + Thinking vastly more of saving + Than of looking smart. + + Highly-paid officials slate us, + Dwelling on the ills + Which infallibly await us + In our empty tills; + But these frenzied fair ones, furious + in the quest of the luxurious, + Still pursue a most injurious + Cult of frocks and frills. + + True, our Ministerial teachers + Fail us in the fight, + For the practice of the preachers + Sins against the light; + Still "Two Wrongs"--for so the sages + Crystallize the lore of ages + Gathered at successive stages-- + "Do not make a Right." + + Birds of Paradise are grateful + Under skies serene; + But the human type is hateful + On a tragic scene; + When the outlook's drear and cloudy + _Punch_ would rather see you dowdy + Than extravagant and rowdy + In your dress and mien. + + True simplicity is tasteful; + Think before you spend; + Woeful want attends the wasteful + In the bitter end; + You who, when the world is mourning, + All remonstrance lightly scorning, + Only think of self-adorning, + Sadden _Punch_, your friend. + + * * * * * + +Let Sleeping Birds Lie. + + "Someone had said it was 'far better to have the birds driven + over one than to have to wake them up.'"--_Scottish Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The Council of the Poetry Society has confirmed the appointment + of Mr. Galloway Kyle as acting editor of the 'Poultry Review.'" + +Now that official action has been taken we may expect an increase in the +number of lays. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Exhilarated Visitor_ (_leaving Club_). "The feller who +caught that fish's dem liar."] + + * * * * * + +EYE-WASH. + +(_A Military Episode in Two Scenes_.) + +Scene I.--_The outskirts of a wood. Time, during an inspection of our +Battalion "at its duties."_ + +Second-Lieutenant Wood _and his platoon are erecting a wire +entanglement. To them enter_ Second-Lieutenant Brown _in great +excitement_. + +S.-L. _Brown_. I say---- + +S.-L. Wood. Run away, dear. No time for you. Brass hats expected in +large numbers. + +S.-L. B. I've lost my platoon. + +S.-L. W. Have you looked in _all_ your pockets, Freddy? + +S.-L. B. I sent it up under the Sergeant, and he must have mistaken the +place, strafe him! And I told the Adjutant I'd be the other side of this +wood, doing Visual Training, when the General came round. + +S.-L. W. (_impressed at last_). My hat, you're in for it! Look out, here +they come. + +Second-Lieutenant Brown _fades into the landscape_. + +_Enter the_ General _and the_ C.O., _with_ Staff-Captain, Adjutant _and_ +Sergeant-Major. _The Platoon labours on and takes no notice_. +Second-Lieutenant Wood _comes to attention and salutes_. _The_ General +_remarks on the fine physique of the men, inspects the wire entanglement +and explains how_ _he used to do it when he was a subaltern_. Private +Hogg, _a recruit unused to Generals, stands gazing awestruck, but +catches the_ Adjutant's _eye and, gets on feverishly with his work. The +cortege passes on, and the platoon heaves a sigh of relief and stands +easy._ + +_Re-enter_ Second-Lieutenant Brown. + +_S.-L. W._ Go away, my good man; we've nothing for you. + +_S.-L. B._ I say, like a good chap----_They confer earnestly._ Curtain. + + +Scene II.--_The other side of the wood. Time, two minutes later._ + +_Enter_ Second-Lieutenant Brown _at the double with_ Second-Lieutenant +Wood's _platoon. He hurriedly gets it to work at Visual Training._ + +_Enter_ General, _with suite as before. The platoon carries on, taking +no notice._ Second-Lieutenant Brown _comes to attention and salutes. +The_ General _praises the appearance of the men and explains how Visual +Training was taught before the Crimean War. The_ Adjutant _suddenly +recognises_ Private Hogg _and develops a nasty cough._ + +_The General (to C.O. as they move away)._ But do you think, Colonel, +that either of those smart young officers of yours would keep their +heads in a sudden emergency? + +_The_ Adjutant _restrains a natural desire to wink at the_ +Sergeant-Major. + +Curtain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_home on leave_). "Come on, Miss, hurry up with +the lift! I've only got five days."] + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +I.--KINGSWAY. + + Walking on the King's Way, lady, my lady, + Walking on the King's Way, will you go in red? + With a silken wimple, and a ruby on your finger, + And a furry mantle trailing where you tread? + Neither red nor ruby I'll wear upon the King's Way; + I will go in duffle grey with nothing on my head. + + Walking on the King's Way, lady, my lady, + Walking on the King's Way, will you go in blue? + With an ermine border, and a plume of peacock feathers, + And a silver circlet, and a sapphire on your shoe? + Neither blue nor sapphire I'll wear upon the King's Way; + I will go in duffle grey, and barefoot too. + + Walking on the King's Way, lady, my lady, + Walking on the King's Way, will you go in green? + With a golden girdle, and a pointed velvet slipper, + And a crown of emeralds fit for a queen? + Neither green nor emerald I'll wear upon the King's Way; + I will go in duffle grey so lovely to be seen, + And Somebody will kiss me and call me his queen. + + * * * * * + + "The depression in northern India has continued to travel + eastwards and is to-day affecting north-east India. + + Forecast: Some rain in the submarine districts of north-east + India." + + _Amrita Bazar Patrika._ + +It's a wet life anyhow, and submarines were made to be depressed. + + * * * * * + +ARMLETS AND THE MAN. + +[Illustration: Mr Punch (_to attested married man_). "SO YOUR COUNTRY +CALLS ON YOU SOONER THAN YOU THOUGHT. I CONGRATULATE YOU."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, March 14th._--Ministers as they passed through Palace Yard on +their way to the House shuddered as they observed a long, black, +wicked-looking motor-car, shaped like a torpedo. In this machine Mr. +PEMBERTON-BILLING, the new Air-Member for East Herts, had done most of +his electioneering. Now he had arrived to take his seat and, rumour +said, to make his maiden speech. Would the Front Bench survive it? + +If the new Member could have jumped straight from the steering-wheel +into the Chamber, and with his eloquence still at white-heat have got +his fulminating message off his chest, strange things might have +happened. But fortunately or unfortunately the procedure of the House +discourages these dramatic effects. For nearly an hour he had to wait +and listen to Ministerial replies to questions which he must have found +painfully trivial. + +Even when the weary catechism was at last over there was a further +delay. With great lack of consideration for the dignity of East Herts +the PRIME MINISTER had been so careless as to catch a bad cold, and was +not in his place. On his behalf, therefore, Sir EDWARD GREY made a +statement regarding the entry of Portugal into the War. The gist of it +was that the most ancient of our Allies has acquired a good-sized Fleet +at no expense to herself, and that Germany is confronted by a new enemy +in Africa. + +At last the new Member was called upon to take his seat. Belonging to no +party he could not, of course, enjoy the usual official escort to the +Table. But, like another young man in a hurry who in somewhat similar +circumstances preferred scorpions to whips, Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING seemed +quite satisfied with the ministrations of Mr. RONALD MCNEILL and Sir +HENRY DALZIEL. + +Dispensing with the usual period of rest and refreshment, he assumed his +seat immediately after shaking hands with the SPEAKER. Who knew but that +Mr. LOWTHER, recognising the anxiety of Members to hear the latest War +news from East Herts, might call him at once? + +[Illustration: THE HUSTLER FROM EAST HERTS. + +Mr. Pemberton-Billing introduces himself to Mr. Tennant and Mr. +Balfour.] + +Routine, however, was too much for romance. For an hour or more Mr. +TENNANT rambled over the wide field provided for him, but without +stumbling upon anything very fresh or startling, unless indeed it was +the discovery that "Intelligence is a very delicate matter." This +occurred in the course of a protracted description of what was being +done to protect the country against air raids. The organisation of the +anti-aircraft defences was now complete for London and was approaching +completion for the country. But Mr. TENNANT hastened to add for Mr. +BILLING'S benefit--the standard would be still further raised when more +material was available. + +When he was in the Government Mr. HOBHOUSE was not less economical of +information in his official utterances than any of his Ministerial +colleagues. Now that he is out of it he is all for full disclosure. Why +had Mr. TENNANT said nothing of Gallipoli or Salonika, Loos and Neuve +Chapelle? Why, if we were allowed to know that three million goatskins +had been provided for the Army, might we not know how many men were +going to wear them? In his view the result of the East Herts election +was due to the Government having kept Parliament in the dark. + +At last the stage was clear for Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING, who, considering +how long he had been kept waiting, made a creditable _debut_. He had, it +is true, no startling revelations to make, or, at any rate, did not make +them. His principal point was that we must exterminate the Zeppelins, +and that we had aeroplanes enough and pilots enough to do it now. He +would be delighted to introduce Mr. TENNANT to the men and the machines, +while as for bombs he was prepared to lay them on the Table of the +House. For a first performance it was quite good, even if not entirely +equal to the advance-billing. + +_Wednesday, March 15._--I am rather surprised that none of the evening +papers had the enterprise to come out to-night with a contents bill +bearing the words-- + + "Great Attack on Portsmouth," + +for the legend would have been not only startling but unusually +accurate. The House of Lords assembled this afternoon in the expectation +of hearing important statements from the Earl of DERBY and Earl +KITCHENER on the recruiting crisis. What it was at first compelled to +listen to was the Earl of PORTSMOUTH giving his views on the +Anglo-Danish Agreement. With dogmatic ponderosity he declared that the +Agreement was losing us the friendship of the other Scandinavian +countries, that it was not preventing goods getting into Germany, and +that it ought to be abrogated forthwith. + +I doubt if any of the Peers present had ever heard anything like the +castigation which the Marquis of LANSDOWNE administered. Where did the +noble Earl collect the kind of information that he had seen fit to pour +forth? He seemed to have swallowed a lot of stories purveyed by people +who were no friends to this country. There was not a word of truth in +the suggestions he had made, and the Government, far from abrogating the +Agreement, intended to maintain and develop the policy on which it was +based. It was a great pity that the noble earl should have identified +himself with an agitation that was neither wise nor patriotic. + +Lord PORTSMOUTH'S family name is WALLOP; this afternoon he lived up to +it. + +At the present moment Lord DERBY is perhaps the most prominent man in +the country next to the Prime MINISTER. Yet he is not a member of the +Government. When to-day he rose from the Opposition benches to defend +his conduct as Director-General of Recruiting and inspirer of the PRIME +MINISTER'S famous pledge to married men, he illustrated the anomaly by +the remark that, while he was doing his best to get that pledge +fulfilled, Lord SELBORNE, who was a member of the Government, had been +telling the farmers that he (Lord DERBY) did not speak with authority. + +Later he did a second turn--this time in his capacity as Chairman of the +Joint Air Committee. Quite the most satisfactory part of his reply was +the announcement that Lord MONTAGU himself had consented to become a +member of the Committee. It is, of course, contrary to all the +traditions of the British Government to give a man a job which he +understands already. But in war-time even the most sensational +experiments must not be ruled out. + +_Thursday, March 16th._--The House of Commons is so constructed that no +matter how often the party-system is expelled it will always return. In +spite of the Coalition, or perhaps because of it, the old strife of +Whigs and Tories has revived, though the lines of cleavage are quite +different from what they were. + +The new Tories are the men who believe that the War is going to be +decided by battles in Flanders and the North Sea, and would sacrifice +everything for victory, even the privilege of abusing the Government. +The new Whigs are the men who consider that the House of Commons is the +decisive arena, and that even the defeat of the Germans would be dearly +purchased at the cost of the individual's right to say and do what he +pleased. + +Naturally these latter object to the shortening of the Parliamentary +week, and to-day they took a division on the subject. Into the "No" +Lobby flocked a motley crew--the champions of the single men who don't +want to fight at all, the upholders of the married men who protest +against being called upon to fulfil their engagement until every single +"_embusque_" has been dragged out of his lair, and, paradoxically +enough, the universal conscriptionists who would force everyone to +serve, but are opposed to piecemeal compulsion. The Government carried +their point easily enough by 128 votes to 67, but evidently have to +reckon with a new concentration of forces which may be more dangerous in +the future. + +When the House of Commons passed the Bill prohibiting duelling it ought +to have made an exception in favour of its own members. Nothing would +have done more to raise the tone of debate, for offenders against +decorum would gradually have eliminated one another. This afternoon, for +example, Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD twitted Mr. HOGGE with sheltering himself +under the patriotism of a soldier stepson, and Mr. HOGGE retaliated with +the suggestion that Sir HAMAR ought to be with his regiment. A hundred +years ago this would have meant a meeting in Hyde Park and a possible +vacancy at Sunderland or East Edinburgh. To-day it merely brought a +rebuke from the CHAIRMAN OF COMMITTEES. + +Again, in the days of our rude fore-fathers Sir JOHN SIMON would have +felt constrained to send a challenge to Mr. WALTER LONG. The late HOME +SECRETARY had delivered an attack upon the Government which Mr. LONG +declared would be heartily welcomed in Berlin. For a much less serious +accusation than that the Duke of WELLINGTON called out Lord WINCHELSEA. +Sir JOHN SIMON has no such resource, and must continue to suffer under +the imputation--a little consoled, no doubt, by the companionship of Mr. +HOGGE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (handing despatches_). "Now, mind. If you're +captured with this you must eat it."] + + * * * * * + + "Young Lady, competent, wishes drive taxi, commercial or private + car; preferably a doctor; advertiser has had three years' + surgical training."--_Provincial Paper._ + +She should be useful, whatever happens. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"Kultur at Home." + +Each of the authors--Mr. RUDOLF BESIER and Mrs. JOHN SPOTTISWOODE--has +personal knowledge of the home-life of the Bosch; and their excellent +sketch of Prussian manners might have served usefully as a warning to us +if we could have seen it a few years ago. But at this time of day, after +nineteen months' experience of the enemy, I doubt its utility as a +source of illumination. + +It would be futile to represent the Prussian officer as an angel in the +house, for we have long since learned to know him as a devil in the +field. And it is almost as futile to picture his prodigious +self-conceit, his vile taste in dress and furniture, his conjugal +infidelity, his habit of treating his women-folk as menials, since these +vices are human and venial in comparison with what the War has revealed. +Anyone might easily hazard the conjecture that the murderers of Belgium +had never entertained too fastidious a respect for womanhood; and after +the destruction of Louvain and Ypres it is mere bathos to insist that +the perpetrators of these outrages against art had previously cherished +a Philistine affection for antimacassars and plush sofas. + +A common difficulty with me when I witness stage tragedies arising out +of a marriage of uncongenial types is to understand how the couple ever +came together. And so here, when the English girl, _Margaret Tinworth_, +in face of poverty and parental disapproval, marries a Prussian officer +in a small garrison town, and then finds all sorts of unbearable +conditions in her surroundings, one asks oneself, and fails to discover, +what kind of glamour he had cast over her that most of these conditions, +already patent enough in the society in which she had moved, had +contrived either to escape her notice or to appear tolerable. True, she +had gone to Germany to find release from the solitude of a motherless +home, where an unsympathetic father had no attention to spare from his +art treasures; but, with so admirable an aunt as _Lady Lushington_ to +chaperon her in her own country, it was not easy to see why she must +needs resort to exotic consolation. + +[Illustration: +GERMAN FRIGHTFULNESS REPULSED. + +_Lieutenant Kurt Hartling_ ... Mr. Malcolm Cherry +_Margaret Tinworth_ ... Miss Rosalie Toller.] + +However, I do not propose to set my judgment up against that of the +authors, male and female, in regard to the credibility of her taste in +men, since, after all, the heart of a woman is a thing past finding out. +But I do venture to dispute the reasonableness of her ultimate attitude +in conditions where this enigmatic organ was not directly concerned. For +you are to understand that in the Third Act the brutality of her husband +and the insults hurled at England, which she was expected, as a +Prussianised wife, to approve, had become more than she could bear; and +in the last Act we find her in a Luxembourg hotel on her way home to +England under the care of _Lord_ and _Lady Lushington_. It is the 4th of +August, 1914; Germany has declared war; German regiments are marching +through the town; England has not yet spoken. The girl is in grievous +doubt as to whether she ought not, in the changed circumstances, to +return to her Prussian home. One could easily appreciate her attitude if +she had argued, "I am German by marriage; though I have lost my love for +my husband it is my duty, when he is risking his life for his country, +the country of my adoption, to go back and watch over his home for him." +But that was not her argument; her argument was that England--the +England that she had so stoutly defended against German ridicule and +contempt--had been false to her honour as the sworn friend of France, +and that it was her business to go back to Germany and eat humble pie. +Whatever the audience may have felt about these reflections on the +conduct of England, they must at least have been irritated by the +fantastic improbability of the girl's motive. Very fortunately at this +juncture the voice of the paper-boy is heard in the street conveying the +thrilling news of our tardy entry into the quarrel; and a glad +_Margaret_, having recovered her respect for her native land, consents +to return home to it. + +Miss ROSALIE TOLLER played the part with great charm and sympathy, and +with a lightly-worn grace and dignity that were pure English. Serving as +a foil to her in taste and deportment and social tradition, the _Elsa +Kolbeck_ of Miss DOLLY HOLMES-GORE was extraordinarily German--a quite +remarkable performance. + +Miss MARIANNE CALDWELL as _Frau Major Kolbeck_, the hostess of +_Margaret_, made a most lovable drudge; and Miss DORA GREGORY had no +difficulty in showing how the wife of a Prussian Colonel, though in her +husband's eyes her main purpose in life may be to minister to his inner +man, can wield an authority little less than that of the All-Highest +over the wives of the regiment. Female society in the little garrison +town was further represented by Miss MAY HAYSACK and Miss UNA VENNING, +who played, with more than enough vivacity, a brace of giggling +flappers, very curious about the more private portion of the bride's +trousseau. + +Miss VANE FEATHERSTON, as _Lady Lushington_, had too little to do, and +did it most humanly; and Mr. OTHO STUART illustrated with a very natural +ease the kind of simple friendship, as between a man and a woman, which +it takes an Anglo-Saxon intelligence to understand. + +The officers, though there might have been more of the blond beast about +them, were sufficiently Prussian, and Mr. MALCOLM CHERRY, as +_Margaret's_ husband, indicated with much precision the change in the +behaviour of a German gentleman, after marriage, towards the lady he has +consented to honour with the thing he calls his heart. + +Apart from the one or two doubtful points which I have referred to, the +play went well, though it seems a pity that so much insistence should +have been laid upon the lack of culture (English sense) in households +where the strictest economy was essential. One was conscious of a rather +painful note of vulgarity in the attitude of _Margaret's_ father, where +he sniffs at the sordid environment of her German home. Impecuniosity is +of course a prevalent trouble among German officers in small garrison +towns; but one would have preferred that if bad taste in dress and +furniture had to be ridiculed the laugh should have been at the expense +of a richer society. Finally, I wonder a little that the authors, who +must have known better, should have helped to perpetuate the popular +misconception by which the German word "Kultur" is regarded as the +equivalent of our "culture." + +O. S. + + +"A Kiss for Cinderella." + +No well-fed person need ever quite expect to understand one of Sir J. M. +BARRIE'S mystery plays at a single sitting. That's one of his best +trumps, of course. But it always seems to me that, like so many writers +of genius, he never quite knows what are his best and what his poorest +things, and just tosses them to us to sort out for ourselves. In this +new instance, to work off a piece of strictly professional criticism, it +is clear that both prologue and epilogue are much too protracted. It is +a sound dramatic canon, which not even our most brilliant chartered +libertine of stage-land can flout with impunity, not to keep your +audience in too long a suspense while preparing your salient theme, nor, +after quickening their interest and firing their imagination, to chill +with the obvious or distract with the irrelevant. + +Sir JAMES'S _Cinderella_ is maid-of-all-work to the housekeeper of a +retired humourist turned painter (Mr. O. B. CLARENCE), a vague peppery +sentimental old bachelor with an ideal of which a full-sized cast of the +"Venus di Milo" stands for symbol in his studio. _Cinderella_ is dumpy +and plain (that is the idea which Miss HILDA TREVELYAN tries loyally but +without much success to suggest to us), but she has the tiniest possible +feet. Regretfully admitting the superiority of Venus's "uppers" she +takes heart of grace, knowing from history how important in princely +eyes is her own particular endowment. She is always asking odd +questions, such as "why doctors ask you to say ninety-nine" and tailors +measuring gentlemen's legs call out "42-6; 38-7." She also has a queer +_penchant_ for stealing boards, betrays some connection with a firm, +Celeste et Cie. of Bond Street, and knows some German words. Which +concatenation of facts justifies the old bachelor in consulting a +friendly policeman (Mr. GERALD DU MAURIER). Bond Street turns out to be +a mean street, Celeste et Cie the name under which _Cinderella_ trades, +dealing in medical treatment, shaves, friendly counsel or dressmaking +all at a penny fee. Also she keeps in a Wendyish sort of way a _creche_ +for orphan babes in boxes evidently made of the borrowed boards. + +Our policeman, coming to work up his case, loses his heart. But +_Cinderella's_ mind is preoccupied with her ball. Ill from overwork and +underfeeding, she wanders into the street, falls faint--and dreams her +ball. Whereupon our authentic magician, coming to his own, lifts a +curtain of her queer little mind and gives us an all too short glimpse +of the state function, with an _h_-dropping, strap-hanging King and +Queen out of a pack of cards; their disdainful Prince, who is none +other, of course, than our policeman done into a bewigged _Monsieur +Beaucaire_; a moody and peremptory Peer, _Lord Times_; the Censor +(black-visored, with an axe); a grotesquely informal Lord Mayor; a bevy +of preposterous revue beauties with their caps set at the Prince, +against an all-gold background with the orphans babbling in a royal box +above the throne. Of course you have the heroine's belated entry, her +triumph and her abrupt flight, and the voice of the distraught Prince +crying after her, which is of course the voice of her own policeman, who +finds her and takes her to hospital. Then convalescence in a cottage +(alleged, really a palace) by the sea and the final declaration of +"romantical" policeman's love. + +Sir JAMES banked heavily on Miss HILDA TREVELYAN as his _Cinderella_. +The English tradition of manufacturing parts to fit your players, +instead of training players to create your parts, was never more +shrewdly followed. She was most adorable in the exquisite business of +arranging the offer of her policeman's hand. Mr. DU MAURIER'S bobby was +as delightfully honest, plain-witted, heavy-booted and friendly a fellow +as ever held up a bus or convoyed a covey of children across a street. +But as the Prince, who was "so blasted particular," he had a chance of +showing that rare talent for the grotesque which no part has given him +since his inimitable _Captain Hook_, I wish indeed we could see more of +him in this rich vein. _Mr. Clarence_ was the vague old gentleman (or +the vague old gentleman, _Mr. Clarence_) to the life. Miss HENRIETTA +WATSON, as the hospital doctor, bullied her patients and probationers in +the approved manner of medical autocrats of the gentler sex. An +excellent _Lord Mayor_ (Mr. LISTON LYLE), an irrepressible wounded Tommy +by Mr. A. E. GEORGE and an aristocratic probationer by Miss ELIZABETH +POLLOCK, were notable performances. Many others also ran--and ran well. +The piece should do the same. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Optimistic Second_. "Keep it up, Bill; you're winning!" + +_Boxer_. "Well, if I'm winning, Jim, the other poor bloke must be +copping something."] + + * * * * * + +Kennel Companions. + + "Lady wishes join another in dogs' boarding home; trial first as + paying guest." + + _Bournemouth Daily Echo._ + + * * * * * + + "The wedding was a quiet one. The bridegroom's party, who + motored from Colombo, were met some distance away from the + Walauwa by a procession of forty-five elephants, dancers, etc., + and was conducted to the bride's residence, where they were + welcomed. Shortly after the arrival of the bridegroom's party, a + wedding breakfast was served, seventy-five sitting down to a + sumptuous repast."--_Ceylon Observer._ + +We wonder how many elephants, dancers and guests are required for a +noisy wedding, This, we note, was a quiet one. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT PETITION. + + ["A notice has been received by parents whose sons are at Rugby + School that, owing to increased cost of living, an extra week's + holiday is to be given in the Easter vacation so that + boarding-house masters should not feel the strain."--_Letter to + "The Daily Mail."_] + +Chapman major put down _The Daily Mail_ and looked round No. 11 study. +"Think of those Rugby blighters having all the luck," he protested. + +"These prices will ruin old Dabs, and a jolly good job. The old beast +needs ruining." This from Dyson, occupied in writing out two hundred +Greek lines (with accents). + +"The Head," said Chapman major, "may be a beast, but he's a bally +patriot. He swishes twice as hard on a day when the War news is bad. I +felt the fall of Namur more than anyone in England. What do you chaps +say to getting up a petition to him stating that under the distressing +circumstances we are ready to make sacrifices and give up two weeks' +school?" + +"Rot," cried Dyson. "Hundred-and-seventy more to do before call-over. +I'd rather go on ruining Dabs." + +But even Dyson, when once his lines were finished, caught the infectious +spirit of patriotism, and, like the rest, appended his signature to the +following prose composition from the laborious pen of Chapman major:-- + +"To the Rev. the Head Master,--Whereas the Great War for the liberties +of Europe involves sacrifices from all, and the rise in prices must +cause considerable difficulties, hitherto endured with noble +self-effacement, to house-masters, We, the undersigned, feel that a +corresponding sacrifice on our part is necessary, and respectfully pray +that we may be permitted to give up two weeks of the Easter term, thus +allowing ourselves more time for war-work in our respective homes and +relieving our house-masters from an overwhelming burden." + +The petition was formally handed to the Head. + +For two days he gave no sign. Then on the morning of the third day he +arose to address the school: + +"In the dark days through which we are passing, when the liberties of +Europe tremble in the balance ("Hear, hear," from Chapman), it gratifies +me very much to receive a petition from the school suggesting that in +consequence of the financial strain there should be a prolongation of +the customary Easter vacation. It pleases me to see that the financial +responsibilities of the house-masters are appreciated by their charges. +Would that our _Government_ had the same patriotic horror of +extravagance! However we must consider the _post-bellum_ conditions. All +the intellect of England will be needed after the War ("Double holiday +task," prophesied Dyson). Yet I feel that steps must be taken on the +lines of your petition (an enthusiastic friend here patted Chapman on +the back). So, after consultation with the house-masters, I have +arranged that in future only two courses will be served at dinner, and +that there will be a reduction in the number of breakfast dishes. Thus +without your being handicapped in the intellectual contest your laudable +and patriotic desire to reduce expenses will be met. I may repeat that +your consideration for your house-masters, who perform useful and +necessary functions, has gratified me." + +Number 11 study that night was barricaded against all comers. A howling +crowd in the corridor was demanding the blood of Chapman major. + +"Didn't I tell you to keep on ruining Dabs?" said Dyson. "Now the old +beast will be wallowing in Exchequer Bonds bought out of our sausages +and suet." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Engineer-Storekeeper (dictating)._ "Two gross fire +bricks." + +_Stoker (writing)._ "Two gross fire b--r--i--x." + +_Engineer-Storekeeper._ "'B--r--i--x' don't spell bricks." + +_Stoker._ "Well, wot _do_ it spell?"] + + * * * * * + +Daylight-Saving. + + "Cook-General Wanted ... Comfortable home ... No washing or + windows." + + _Morning Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irish Sentry (placed, to enforce an order, on road which +is shelled by enemy whenever used by a body of men)._ "Ye'll have to +wait, Sorr, for somewan else to go wid ye before ye can pass along +here."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +Even those who have overloaded their shelves with books about the War +must, I think, find a place for _From Mons to Ypres with French_, by +FREDERIC COLEMAN (SAMPSON LOW). It is a most remarkably vivid and varied +record of the writer's experiences, set down in a very simple and direct +style, without the least effort at flummery and high-falutin. I can +speak for one reader at any rate on whom it made a very deep impression. +Mr. COLEMAN is, by his own account, an American and an automobilist. +Those who get his book will judge him, by the unadorned account of what +he did, to be a man of great courage and modesty, with an imperturbable +shrewdness and a humour proof against all dangers and disappointments. +Driving, as he did, a motor-car for the British Headquarters, and in +particular for General DE LISLE, he saw as much fighting as any man need +wish for and had magnificent opportunities of forming a judgment on the +effects of German shell-fire. There is a pathetic photograph of his car +hit by a shell outside Messines. I have spoken of the simplicity and +directness of Mr. COLEMAN'S style; he himself describes his book as a +plain tale. It has, indeed, that kind of plainness which in dealing with +enterprises of great pith and moment has a peculiar brilliancy of its +own. The account, for instance, of the Cambrai--Le Cateau battle, with +all its vicissitudes, is extraordinarily graphic and interesting, and +the story of the charge of some fifty men of the 9th Lancers against +more than twice their number of German Dragoons of the Guard stirs the +blood as with the sound of a trumpet. Delightful too is the narrative of +how Major BRIDGES found two hundred completely exhausted stragglers +seated despairingly upon the pavement of the square at St. Quentin, and +how by means of a penny whistle and a toy drum he got them to move and +brought them eventually to Roye and safety. Altogether a capital book. + + * * * * * + +_A Great Success_ (SMITH, ELDER) is about a new-risen literary star, +_Arthur Meadows_, his loving, unbrilliant wife, and a coruscating +society lion-huntress, _Lady Dunstable_. Having heard this much, you +will hardly need to be told that _Lady D._ takes up the author +violently, that he is dazzled by the glitter of her conversational +snares, and that the story resolves itself into a duel between her +ladyship and (I quote the publishers) "the wife whom she despises and +tries to set down." Nor are you likely to be in any uncertainty about +the final victory. This is brought about, with the assistance of the +long arm of coincidence, by _Doris_, the neglected wife, finding herself +in a position to prevent her rival's unsatisfactory son from contracting +matrimony with a very undesirable alien. _Doris_ indeed, and another +female victim of _Lady Dunstable_ (also deposited on the scene by the +same obliging arm), get busy unearthing so various a past for the +undesirable one that she retires baffled, epigrammatic brilliance bites +the dust, and domesticity is left triumphant. It is a jolly little +story, very short, refreshingly simple, and constructed throughout on +the most approved library lines. If the writer's name were not Mrs. +HUMPHRY WARD, I should say that she ought to be encouraged to persevere, +and even recommended to try her hand next time at something a little +more substantial. + + * * * * * + +Let me recommend Mr. ROTHAY REYNOLDS' _My Slav Friends_ (MILLS AND BOON) +as a corrective to Mr. STEPHEN GRAHAM's _Holy Russia_, which I +prescribed some while ago with faint reservations. Both writers set out +to interpret our mysterious ally to us. Mr. GRAHAM always looks through +a rosy-tinted monocle. Mr. REYNOLDS takes the road of balanced +appreciations, candour and kindly humour--unquestionably more effective +in the matter of making sincere proselytes. He has produced a +fascinating book, discreetly discursive--a book that seems to let you +into the real secrets of a people's soul. He believes in the sincerity +of Russian promises to Poland, and claims that the Poles share his +belief, but he does not pretend that this most unfortunate of nations +has no grievances against its suzerain. I wonder whether our perverse +Intelligences are capable of making the deduction that, if the +progressives in Russia can forget their quarrel with reaction for sake +of our great common cause, they themselves might mitigate some of the +severity of their anti-tsarism. Mr. REYNOLDS has much that is to the +point to say about the good old British legends of darkest Russia now +chiefly kept going by third-rate novelists and unscrupulous journalists. +He makes it clear that, though there is much to change, changes are +coming as fast as they can be assimilated, indeed even a little faster. +Finally I wish that those who control the destinies of our theatre might +read what is written here of the traditions of the stage in a country +where the drama is an art, not a mere speculation. + + * * * * * + +Despite its name there is a simple directness about the theme of Mr. +WARWICK DEEPING'S _Unrest_ (CASSELL) that I found refreshing. _Martin +Frensham_ was a dramatist, and the fortunate possessor of an adoring +wife, a charming home and a successful reputation. So quite naturally he +grew bored with all three. Then there came on the scene one _Judith +Ruddiger_, a widow, with red lips, who drove a great touring-car with +abandon, played masculine golf and generally appealed in _Frensham_ to +the elemental what-d'you-call-'ems. So these two decided to plunge into +the freer life by the process of elopement. I was a little disappointed +here. There had been so much chat about the Big Things that I had +expected a rather more expansive setting to their adventure than Monte +Carlo, followed by a round of first-class hotels. Moreover _Judith_, had +a way of addressing her companion as "partner," which emphasised her +wild Western personality to a degree that must have been almost painful +at a winter-sports' resort full of schoolmasters. So I was hardly at all +astonished when before long _Frensham_ grew more bored than ever. +Meanwhile the adoring wife (whom the author has sketched very +sympathetically and well) had refused to divorce him; and so in the long +run--well, you can see from the start where the long-run is destined to +end. But you will probably not like a pleasant tale the less for this. +Mr. DEEPING certainly has courage. There is a scene or two in which he +takes his amazonian _Judith_ to the very edge of bathos. "She could +shoot straight with a pistol, and proved it by bringing a revolver to +the summer-house, and making _Frensham_ hang his hat on the rail-fence +that ran along the wood." Rough wooing for timid dramatists! I couldn't +resist picturing how the late Mr. PELISSIER would have handled this +situation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Contributor to "Poet's Corner" in country paper_. "I'm +afraid I'll have to charge something for my poems now that paper has +gone up."] + + * * * * * + +I wonder whether EVELYN BRAXSCOMBE PETTER just decided that her novel +could not be up to date without a German spy and so forth, or whether +she really set out to do her bit for the War by commenting on the +Teutonic idea of honour. Anyhow, one must admit that her _Gretchen +Meyer_ is drawn with rather uncommon skill, even if her subterranean +mental processes are never exactly elucidated in _Miss Velanty's +Disclosure_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). Though educated in England and +dependent, to their misfortune, on English friends for maintenance, +there always lurked in _Gretchen's_ attitude of impartial selfishness a +certain muffled hostility to the ways of this country, and particularly +to an objectionable habit she found in us of placing an exaggerated +value on straightforward dealing. This culminated in a quite gratuitous, +and indeed even insane, demand on the man who for his sins was in love +with her that he should surrender either his English ideal or her. That +he did as wisely as honestly in letting her go and be d----d to her, I +for one had no doubt, nor I think had the authoress, for, although she +could never quite forget that _Gretchen_ was her heroine, endowing her +with a kind of beauty and even baldly labelling her attractive, it is +really, on the whole, a designedly repulsive person she has presented to +us. Though an interesting study in Teuton perfidy and certainly better +written than the columns of most evening papers, I can hardly recommend +the book as a restful change from that class of literature. + + * * * * * + +Mr. H. B. MARRIOTT WATSON has invented a gentleman of the road, _Dick +Ryder_, of whom his publishers, METHUEN, confess themselves very proud +in that nice way they have. Armed with a bodkin and a barker he rushes +and tushes his way through life, slitting weasands and dubbing every +cully he meets a muckworm in the pleasant idiom current (so I take it on +faith) in the time of our second JAMES. I should have been more +impressed with this hero's feats in the first few tales of _As it +Chanced_ if they had been in the very faintest degree plausible. Never +surely were such preposterous fights, in which the whole action of a +score of desperate opponents is completely suspended while the +redoubtable one brings off his splendid stunts. I gratefully remember +once having been helped through a dull day by _The House on the Downs_. +Unless memory gilds my judgment the author put some reasonable amount of +invention into that. But these collected tales are rather indifferent +pot-boiling if you are to take any other standard but that of the +gallery's formula for yarns of adventure. Perhaps, "as it chanced," my +war lunch did not agree with me. But anyway I really cannot quite +honestly commend this volume to any but the most stalwart of Mr. +MARRIOTT WATSON'S many loyal friends. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +150, MARCH 22, 1916*** + + +******* This file should be named 22805.txt or 22805.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/8/0/22805 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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