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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+March 22, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 22, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 29, 2007  [eBook #22805]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, MARCH 22, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22805-h.htm or 22805-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/8/0/22805/22805-h/22805-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/8/0/22805/22805-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+MARCH 22, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "How is it you're not at the Front, young man?"
+
+"'Cause these ain't no milk at that end, mum."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Portugal is now officially at war with Germany, and the dogs of
+frightfulness are already toasting "_der Tagus_."
+
+       ***
+
+At first the report that ENVER PASHA had gone to pay a visit to the tomb
+of the PROPHET at Medina caused a feeling of profound depression in
+Constantinople; but it is now recognised that there was no other course
+open to him, as MAHOMET was not in a position to visit the Pasha.
+
+       ***
+
+SVEN HEDIN is reported to be at Constantinople, on his way to the
+Turkish Front. It is supposed that he will undertake the writing of the
+official despatches, a duty to which the innate modesty of the Osmanli
+prevents him from doing full justice.
+
+       ***
+
+A salmon containing a label marked "U 100" was recently caught in the
+Avon. No trace of the crew has been found.
+
+       ***
+
+It has been discovered in Germany that General HINDENBERG is descended
+from CHARLEMAGNE, and an attempt by certain admirers of the Prussian
+General to visit the scenes of his ancestor's exploits has only been
+abandoned as the result of an unaccountable opposition on the part of
+the French.
+
+       ***
+
+"Bigamy," declares Mr. Justice Low, "is as low a form of crime as
+drunkenness." On the other hand there is this to be said for it, that it
+is seldom found, like drunkenness, to develop into a habit.
+
+       ***
+
+A large number of German barbers, it is said, have become naturalized
+since the commencement of the War, and are now engaged in capturing the
+trade from the British barbers, many of whom have been taken for
+military service. Not for nothing, it seems, did the KAISER in one of
+his famous speeches, "The razor must be in our fist."
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. TENNANT told the House of Commons last week that the War Office had
+3,000,000 goat skins. As the statement has given rise to a certain
+uneasiness it should be explained that all the goats have been safely
+extracted.
+
+       ***
+
+Notwithstanding reports to the contrary, says an official German
+telegram, the new submarine warfare is in full swing. It should only be
+a matter of time before those responsible for it find themselves in a
+similar situation.
+
+       ***
+
+A draughtsman of Babylonian and Assyrian antiquities has been discharged
+by the British Museum in the interests of economy. The artist, it is
+reported, has already had several attractive offers of employment as a
+Parliamentary cartoonist.
+
+       ***
+
+Onions, we are told, have reached the unprecedented price of thirty
+shillings a hundredweight, and several of the old established onion bars
+in the City may have to close their doors.
+
+       ***
+
+It is useless, Mr. HUGHES warns his English admirers, to defeat Germany
+in the field unless adequate steps are also taken to stop her inroads
+upon the Empire's trade. What is wanted is, of course, a counter-stroke.
+
+       ***
+
+A well-informed neutral states that the Grand Admiral TIRPITZ'S
+unexpected retirement was caused by a rush of blood to the hands.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Bulgarian Atrocity.
+
+    "The position in Monastir is intolerable, owing to the orgies of
+    the Bulgarian comitadjis. The Greek refugees are in a pitiable
+    plight, especially now the Greek consul has 1 ft."--_Balkan
+    News._
+
+Thus crippled he cannot, of course, display his usual activity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE KAISER ON KILIMANJARO.
+
+[Correspondence in _The Times_ has recalled the fact that Kilimanjaro,
+from whose neighbourhood the enemy has just been expelled, was included
+in German East Africa at the special desire of the KAISER (then PRINCE
+WILLIAM OF PRUSSIA). It appears that he took a peculiar interest in the
+fauna and flora of that district. Incidentally, the highest peak of
+Kilimanjaro (19,000 feet) is named Kaiser Wilhelm Spitze. The author of
+these lines does not claim a close acquaintance with the natural history
+and botany of this region, and cannot therefore vouch for the accuracy
+of his details.]
+
+  O mountain of the sounding name,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  Almost as loud as my own fame,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  Plucked from my Empire's jewelled hem
+  I deemed you once the fairest gem
+  In my Colonial diadem,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+
+  Not for your height, though you are high,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  And practically scrape the sky,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  But for the beasts and birds and flowers
+  That nestle in your snowy bowers
+  I loved you best of all my dowers,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+
+  In one of my Imperial jaunts,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  I looked to penetrate their haunts,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  It was among my dearest hopes
+  To slay canaries on your slopes
+  Or trap elusive antelopes,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+
+  I had a passionate wish to snare
+                                    (Kilimanjaro!)
+  Your local beetle in his lair,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  O'er precipices stiff with ice
+  (Perils for me are full of spice)
+  To cull your starry edelweiss,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+
+  Alas! the lovely vision fades,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  Never amid your musky glades,
+                                    Kilimanjaro--
+  Never shall I (_Gott strafe_ SMUTS!)
+  Surprise your monkeys gathering nuts
+  Or chase your wombats' flying scuts,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+
+  And when, as I suppose it must,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  My spirit sheds its mortal crust,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+  They'll find beneath my mailed vest
+  Your name indelibly impressed
+  (Along with Calais) on my chest,
+                                    Kilimanjaro!
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "With the use of the various kinds of periscopes we could see
+    quite clearly every movement on the German side, and even hear
+    them talking."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Try our new periscope, with telephone-attachment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a sale catalogue:--
+
+    "Remains of Summer Waistcoats, from 3/11."
+
+Nothing doing. Our motto is _Vestigia nulla retrorsum_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. XXXVI.
+
+(_From Herr WOLFGANG OFFENMAUL, an actor_).
+
+Most Gracious Majesty,--How strangely and uncomfortably the Fates sport
+with us! It is but two years ago, I remember, that it came into my head
+to look forward to the far-off day when I should shake off the stage and
+all its agitations, its triumphs, its disappointments and even its
+jealousies and its quarrels, and should be able to live my own life in
+the pleasant and happy world of reality. But I put the thought by, for
+much still remained to me to be endured and achieved in my profession,
+and I thought that some day, if matters turned out favourably, I might
+have the supreme glory of impersonating _Hamlet_ or _Macbeth_ under the
+very eye of your Imperial Majesty and of noting that you were not
+displeased with the performance of one of the most devoted of your
+subjects. This hope, springing up in my breast, gave me new strength and
+a fresh joy in the often dull round of my daily task, for in matters of
+the stage your Majesty, being, as we often say among ourselves, the
+greatest actor of us all and having from the earliest years imbibed the
+love of the footlights and the limelight, is an incomparable judge of
+the true histrionic art, and a word of praise from you is worth columns
+and columns in the newspapers. It is to us as when a cobbler's boots are
+praised by a rival cobbler.
+
+And there is another point which then kept me from giving way any
+further to my dreams of retirement from the theatre. Real life, so calm
+for the most part and so regular, is but a dull thing to those who live
+a fictitious life on the boards, in the midst of excitements and honour
+and crimes, with murder and sudden death awaiting them, as it were,
+round the corner. After _Hamlet_ has seen his mother's death, has killed
+_Laertes_ and the _King_ and has himself expired, what is it to him to
+come to life again and to sit down, without his royal trappings to a
+supper of sausage and potatoes, while his wife sits by and darns his
+stockings and the baby begins to cry in its cot? So thought I, and
+resolved to continue my career of acting, though I acknowledged that
+some day, perhaps, in the very distant future, retirement might have its
+attractions.
+
+All this was before the War broke out. When that happened I, like the
+rest, was seized and thrust into a uniform and made to remember my drill
+and was presented with a rifle and a bayonet. Finally, with my regiment
+I was marched off to the Front in France, where I still linger in daily
+expectation of death. Dreadful things have I seen, men blown into
+nothingness by shells, men pierced through and through by the steel,
+women murdered and worse than murdered, and children crushed under
+fallen walls--sights I cannot bear to think of, though they force
+themselves upon me and murder sleep. I was, perhaps, unduly contemptuous
+of real life, but now I abhor it and try in vain to put it away from me.
+I desire with a full-hearted longing to return to that life of
+imagination where the most dreadful bloodshed ends at about eleven
+o'clock every evening, without leaving any impression on those who take
+part. Yes, give me again the life of the theatre and remove far away
+this brutal scenery of trenches and shells and bombs and quick-firers
+and men summoned from peace and ease to cut one another's throats
+because a histrion KAISER has so willed it and none of his subjects
+dared to say him nay. To get away from this and never to return to it I
+would willingly consent to play the _First Murderer_ in _Macbeth_ for
+the remainder of my life. It would be an innocent and an honourable
+occupation compared with what I am forced day by day and night by night
+to endure.
+
+Yours, in respectful despair, WOLFGANG OFFENMAUL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANOTHER CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR.
+
+Mr. McKenna. "PREMIUM BONDS TO HELP TO WIN THE WAR! OH, MY DEAR FRIENDS!
+THINK OF OUR MORAL PRINCIPLES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XXXVI.
+
+My dear Charles,--I am afraid you'll be worrying about me again,
+wondering why I'm lying doggo, what mischief I'm up to, or whether
+anything has happened to me. Something has happened, but I'm not quite
+sure myself what it is. Anyhow, I'll tell you all I know. It wasn't in
+the _Gazette_ proper; it was in the "Memoranda." It referred to a Second
+Lieutenant (Temporary Lieutenant), intimating that he was to hold the
+acting rank of Captain while engaged in present duties, which looks to
+me as if they are giving nothing away but want to keep in with me till
+they have settled up matters with the Bosch. When the trouble shows
+signs of being about to end, they'll either make me a Temporary General
+and hand me over to the enemy as a sop, or else they will turn round on
+me and tell me that, being a Temporary Memorandum, I'm nothing at all;
+am I going quietly or must they put the handcuffs on me? As the saying
+is, "it ain't 'ardly safe"; at any moment one may find oneself in a
+bowler hat being jostled by the crowd and wholly estranged from Mr. Cox,
+of Charing Cross. Meanwhile I'm a Captain, or parading as such, and I
+carry in my pocket a leash of "crowns" and a yard of braid (with
+adhesive back) in case of further developments.
+
+Talking of civilian hats, by the way, my particular class of soldier,
+never spoilt by over-fussing, has dismal expectations as to the
+_finale_. We feel that, when the other side sees light and is prepared
+to submit to judgment, with costs, we shall be the last to leave for
+home, and when we get there all the beer will be sold out.
+
+Meanwhile I'm going along nicely, and by saying nothing but looking a
+lot I've created quite an air of importance around me, which induces all
+sorts of regimental officers to salute me at first sight and to wish
+they hadn't on further acquaintance. It's an ever-increasing difficulty,
+this matter of saluting: in a part of the world where there's a General
+round every other corner I can never make up my mind on the spur of the
+moment what to do about Majors and suchlike. Some like a salute, others
+don't. I have invented a gesture of my own which is entirely
+non-committal and gives satisfaction to both. Those who don't look for a
+salute put it down to an excess of geniality; those who do expect one
+put it down to ignorance combined with anxiety to please.
+
+Only once has it got me into trouble so far. The occasion is worth
+mentioning, since I was at the time talking to a General in a public
+place. (Yes, there we were, talking away about nothing in particular,
+"conversing," I might say, just as it might have been you and myself
+passing the time of day. _Very_ impressive). A Major, one of the
+expectant sort, came up from behind the General; when he was within
+distance of the august back he saluted it. It was one of those salutes
+which could be felt, but, as it happened, the General didn't feel it.
+The problem at once arose, what was I to do, with the Major's stony eye
+full upon me? The waggle, obviously, but in a modified degree, since it
+doesn't do to be fidgetting with your hands when you're being talked to
+by your elders and betters. I went through the motions, therefore,
+meaning them to mean that, though I was chatting with a General, yet I
+wasn't above saluting a Major. He mistook the movement, however, and
+thought that I thought that, because I was chatting with a General,
+therefore he'd saluted me! My goodness, we nearly lost the War that
+time!
+
+But don't you believe all this talk about military discipline. Take the
+case of my own Colonel, for instance, a man who, before he took to staff
+work, had probably dug enough trenches, put out enough barbed wire and,
+generally, made enough mess of respectable agricultural land to earn for
+himself a special vote of censure from the United Association of French
+and Belgian Farmers. Now, there's a soldier, if ever there was one; but
+are his orders obeyed when they don't fit in with the convenience of his
+subordinates?
+
+You shall judge for yourself. The other day he made up his mind, not
+casually or by the way, but in writing, duly signed, sealed and
+circulated, that "The moon will rise to-morrow at 4.43 A.M." Did the
+moon comply? No, Sir, it did not; I'm told it was absent from parade
+altogether. Did my Colonel put it under arrest? Did he even call for its
+reasons in writing? Again, no. On the contrary, he weakly gave in,
+saying that he'd got the time out of an almanack supplied by his
+Insurance Company, and that "the man from the Insurance" was to blame
+for sticking the pages together and getting him into an inappropriate
+month. What I say is an order's an order, and it is nothing to do with
+the moon where the Colonel gets his ideas from.
+
+Call it fear or favour, I only know that when I'm informed that I am to
+rise at 5 A.M. to-morrow morning, and, with no intention of disobeying,
+I ask very quietly and very politely if they remember that this is March
+and not July, at the very least I shall be told that I ought to be
+ashamed of being a civilian instead of openly behaving as such. Yours
+ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+ANOTHER INDISPENSABLE.
+
+[Illustration: The war artist's model.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Herodias?
+
+    "Any lady requiring Head of two Parlourmaids or Under
+    Parlourmaid, we know of several."--_Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Bombardier G. Dougherty, R.A.M.C. ... has been given the D.C.M.
+    ... for twice repairing telephone wires under a terrific storm
+    of fire."--_Morning Paper._
+
+Conscientious objectors will note the new rank and duty of R.A.M.C. men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two large jewel robberies in London, in which property to the
+    value of several thousands of pounds has been stolen, are being
+    invested by the police."--_Morning Paper._
+
+In Exchequer Bonds, no doubt. But we hope they have reserved a few pairs
+of bracelets for the thieves when they catch them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. JOHN'S PORTRAIT OF MR. GEORGE.
+
+The generally favourable opinion of MR. AUGUSTUS JOHN'S striking
+portrait of MR. LLOYD GEORGE is not shared by everybody. The following
+criticism of the picture has reached us, and as it represents a point of
+view which, so far as we know, has not found sympathy in the Press
+opinions which have already appeared, we print it for the edification of
+the artist, the sitter and any others who may have a few moments to
+devote to the subject.
+
+I should like to say (writes our correspondent) on behalf of myself and
+of many worthy members of my congregation that MR. AUGUSTUS JOHN has
+missed a great opportunity in painting his portrait of our greatest
+Welshman.
+
+In the first place, surely it lacks dignity. In it Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who
+is pre-eminently a man capable of looking you straight in the eye, is
+depicted as looking someone else obliquely in the eye. I would that his
+strong features had been accompanied by a direct and thoughtful gaze,
+instead of that petulant side-glance, which to all of us who know the
+smiling candour of the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS is so foreign an
+expression.
+
+I cannot speak with authority about the sitter's raiment. At the same
+time I must register my dislike of these clothes, which appear to have
+the mud of the golf-links still fresh upon them. Surely the artist
+should have persuaded Mr. LLOYD GEORGE to wear his black coat and vest
+for the occasion.
+
+Hanging from a cord is something in the nature of an aid to vision. I
+cannot determine whether it is a pince-nez or a monocle. The uncertainty
+is irritating. Is it possible that the MINISTER has taken to wearing a
+single eye-glass? If so, why has not the artist put it in the sitter's
+eye? And as to the hair--Heaven forbid that I should cast any reflection
+upon any man of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE's age possessing abundant locks; on the
+contrary, I congratulate him; but in all my experience I have never yet
+known a portrait to be taken without the sitter being requested first of
+all to brush his hair. Why has Mr. AUGUSTUS JOHN flown in the face of
+all precedent by neglecting this simple yet desirable precaution?
+
+I feel very strongly that nothing in the portrait indicates the sitter's
+nationality, his profession, his love of home, his favourite recreation
+or his religious convictions. These, I venture to say, are grave
+omissions. The picture is sadly wanting in suitable accessories. If I
+had been painting it I should have put a simple yellow daffodil in the
+MINISTER'S buttonhole, and pictured through an open window a sunlit bed
+of leeks, with perhaps a goat gambolling among them. I should have
+represented the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS in his study practising putting
+with a small bomb. And on the wall should have been a life-size portrait
+of the Rev. Dr. CLIFFORD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer at Front_ (_reading letter from home_). "The
+other day we went to see the ruins of a house which had been bombed by a
+Zeppelin. You can't imagine what it was like!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The elements so mixed" again.
+
+    "The air is the new element, and all the evidence suggests that
+    we are at sea in it." _Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Le Mouton Enrage.
+
+    "Sheep, and also other wild animals, have a trying time in
+    procuring their necessary food."
+
+That's what makes them so wild.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Hero at Zero.
+
+    "Fish for the Canadian troops. The supply has been organised by
+    Major Hughie Green, who is known as the 'Canadians'
+    Fishmonger-General,' and has travelled in a frozen condition
+    2,000 miles across the Dominion."--_Daily Mirror._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A young farm hand who appealed to the Coalville Tribunal for
+    exemption yesterday, when asked whether an older brother could
+    not take his place on the farm, replied that his brother's feet
+    were too small for work on the land."--_Morning Paper._
+
+We hope that his own are not too cold for work in the trenches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Mark Blow will be known henceforth as 'Mr.
+    Mark.'"--_Theatrical Paper._
+
+The Blow may have fallen, but this British Mark shows no decline.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW PATRIOTISM.
+
+Epoch-Making Assembly.
+
+A public meeting, summoned under the auspices of the Candid Friends of
+England, has just been held at the Hall of the Grousers' Company, in
+Little Britain. The chair was taken by Mr. OUTHWAITE.
+
+The Chairman, opening the meeting, said that the inception of the League
+was due to a number of public-spirited men who had come to the
+conclusion, very unwillingly, that the country was still insufficiently
+instructed as to the inherent and abysmal incapacity of every member of
+the Government. (Cheers.) It was true that certain sections of the Press
+did what they could to point this out, and there was also the noble,
+patriotic and self-sacrificing work carried on in the House at
+Question-time. (Loud cheers.) But he was sorry to say that there still
+remained a considerable and, alas! not wholly negligible number of
+persons in the country who hugged the quaint superstition that a Cabinet
+Minister could be earnest, capable and diligent. It was these benighted
+folk whom they desired to reach and convert. Not till every Englishman
+had been convinced that England was rotten could he (the speaker) and
+his friends rest content. (Frantic applause.) They were met to-day to
+listen to the views of various eminent gentlemen as to how best to
+spread this gospel.
+
+Sir ARTHUR MARKHAM, who was received with cheers, said that no one who
+had followed his recent speeches could be in any doubt as to the
+turpitude and sloth of the men whom a mischievous caprice had set at the
+head of this country's affairs. He for one should never cease to clamour
+for their dismissal. He begged to move a resolution that in the opinion
+of that important and representative meeting a complete change of
+Government was instantly necessary. (A Voice: "Not only now, but
+always.") No doubt there was something in what that gentleman said, but
+for the present perhaps "always" had better be omitted. The essence of
+the truest patriotism was distrust of one's rulers and dissatisfaction
+with one's country. (Hear! Hear!).
+
+Mr. AUSTIN HARRISON, in seconding, said that the finest heritage of an
+Englishman was freedom of speech, and the more that freedom became
+licence the finer the Englishman. (Cheers.) By freedom of speech he
+meant the right to say instantly whatever came into one's head,
+particularly if it appeared to belittle one's own country. Because one
+could not belittle England really. England was too great for that. But
+it was salutary to try. It was also valuable to our Allies, because it
+tended to prove to them how much in earnest and how united we must be.
+
+A great sensation was now caused by the appearance of "An Englishman"
+from Carmelite Street. This gentleman, who, like the man who dined with
+the KAISER, desiring his anonymity to be respected, wore a John Bull
+mask and brandished an ebony cane, made the PRIME MINISTER the special
+mark of his attack. What, he asked, could be expected of a politician so
+crafty and lost to shame as to bid the House wait and see? Was it not
+the very essence of good statesmanship to blurt out everything at once?
+Only a craven time-server would say wait and see. Waiting was a
+contemptuous proceeding wherever practised, and seeing required eyes,
+which Heaven knows the PREMIER woefully lacked. (Cheers.) What right had
+an incorrigible hoodwinker such as Mr. ASQUITH to advise anyone to see?
+It was monstrous. Let the people get rid of this impostor without a
+twinge of compunction, and the sooner the better. As to swapping horses
+in mid-stream being unwise, perhaps it was, but it was not unwise in the
+way that waiting to see was. (Applause.)
+
+Another masked gentleman, who was understood to be "Callisthenes" of
+Oxford Street, now rose to make a few useful suggestions. He said that
+as the only journalist who wrote what was practically the leading
+article in four evening papers every day, he surely was entitled to
+speak with some authority. The question was how to get it into the
+country's head that England's only chance for recovering her
+self-respect and winning the War was to cry stinking fish? (Loud
+cheers.) Well, the best way was to keep on saying it in and out of
+season. His experience had taught him that everything will bear saying
+not merely three times, but three thousand times and three.
+
+Mr. AMERY said it was ridiculous to suppose that any Cabinet Minister
+wished the War to end or England to be victorious. The contrary was an
+axiom on which the whole future of his political creed was based. One
+had but to look at them to see how flabby and vacillating they were and
+how devoted to the pickings of office.
+
+Mr. HOGGE said that the Chairman in his opening remarks had disregarded
+one of the most valuable media for spreading the blessed news that
+England was at her last gasp, throttled by place-hunters and parasites.
+That was the variety stage. It was wonderful what a good comic song
+could do. He had heard one only the night before, in which its singer
+had been vociferously applauded at the end of a verse which stated that
+there were now no German spies in England because they had all been
+naturalised and given War Office clerkships. That was the kind of home
+truth which the public appreciated and even paid their money to hear.
+There could not be too many songs of that kind.
+
+Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that another way was to induce publishers to issue
+new and amended editions of those popular writers who had been betrayed
+by impulsiveness or short-sight into eulogies of England. He remembered
+several such unfortunate outbursts in the works of the national poet.
+There was, for example, that ill-balanced utterance of the dying JOHN OF
+GAUNT in praise of our little isle; but of course one could not expect
+the intellect to be at its best just before dissolution. Still, they
+would all agree that SHAKSPEARE would be the wholesomer without that
+passage. (Cheers.)
+
+The Chairman then put the resolution to the meeting and it was carried
+unanimously. In bidding the gathering farewell the Chairman impressed
+upon them that their rule of life should be a constant and voluble
+mistrust of our leaders. It should be a point of honour with them to
+deny that the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY could possibly know anything
+about the Navy, or wish it to succeed; that the CHANCELLOR OF THE
+EXCHEQUER could possibly know anything about finance; or the PRIME
+MINISTER have the elements even of common intelligence. (Loud cheers.)
+
+The meeting then broke up singing either "For they (the Cabinet) are
+wholly bad fellows," or "Fool Britannia, Britannia's fooled and slaved."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Fashions for Fathers.
+
+    "The bride was given away by her father, who was daintily gowned
+    in a pale blue silk dress, with veil and orange blossoms lent by
+    the bride's eldest sister."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Very often it happens that a blank space is seen in the press,
+    especially in the _Sheung Po_, the organ of the Seventy-two
+    Guilds. It is surprising to see to-day's issue of that paper. A
+    space, about one and a half feet long and six feet wide, is
+    vacant. Only five words remain in that space, namely, 'Taken
+    away by the Censor.'"--_South China Morning Post._
+
+Some of our censors should go to China. They would have real scope
+there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The French Government emphatically and categorically denounce
+    as lies many statements made in the German official reports on
+    the fighting in the Verdun theatre. Although, they say, the
+    Germans usually travesty the truth, they have not before issued
+    such fragrant lies."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Their offence is rank; it smells to heaven.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRESS "AS USUAL."
+
+(_A Protest from Mr. Punch_.)
+
+[The National Organising Committee for War Savings has issued an appeal
+against extravagance in women's dress.]
+
+  Certain ladies--just a section
+    Of our spindle side--
+  Swerving in a wrong direction,
+    Dress have deified;
+  And, as incomes grow more slender,
+  Bring discredit on their gender
+  By refusing to surrender
+   Fashion for their guide.
+
+  Most of England's wives and daughters
+    Play a noble part,
+  In the very deepest waters
+    Never losing heart;
+  Danger and privation braving,
+  Nursing, helping, toiling, slaving,
+  Thinking vastly more of saving
+    Than of looking smart.
+
+  Highly-paid officials slate us,
+    Dwelling on the ills
+  Which infallibly await us
+    In our empty tills;
+  But these frenzied fair ones, furious
+  in the quest of the luxurious,
+  Still pursue a most injurious
+    Cult of frocks and frills.
+
+  True, our Ministerial teachers
+    Fail us in the fight,
+  For the practice of the preachers
+    Sins against the light;
+  Still "Two Wrongs"--for so the sages
+  Crystallize the lore of ages
+  Gathered at successive stages--
+    "Do not make a Right."
+
+  Birds of Paradise are grateful
+    Under skies serene;
+  But the human type is hateful
+    On a tragic scene;
+  When the outlook's drear and cloudy
+  _Punch_ would rather see you dowdy
+  Than extravagant and rowdy
+    In your dress and mien.
+
+  True simplicity is tasteful;
+    Think before you spend;
+  Woeful want attends the wasteful
+    In the bitter end;
+  You who, when the world is mourning,
+  All remonstrance lightly scorning,
+  Only think of self-adorning,
+    Sadden _Punch_, your friend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Let Sleeping Birds Lie.
+
+    "Someone had said it was 'far better to have the birds driven
+    over one than to have to wake them up.'"--_Scottish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Council of the Poetry Society has confirmed the appointment
+    of Mr. Galloway Kyle as acting editor of the 'Poultry Review.'"
+
+Now that official action has been taken we may expect an increase in the
+number of lays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Exhilarated Visitor_ (_leaving Club_). "The feller who
+caught that fish's dem liar."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EYE-WASH.
+
+(_A Military Episode in Two Scenes_.)
+
+Scene I.--_The outskirts of a wood. Time, during an inspection of our
+Battalion "at its duties."_
+
+Second-Lieutenant Wood _and his platoon are erecting a wire
+entanglement. To them enter_ Second-Lieutenant Brown _in great
+excitement_.
+
+S.-L. _Brown_. I say----
+
+S.-L. Wood. Run away, dear. No time for you. Brass hats expected in
+large numbers.
+
+S.-L. B. I've lost my platoon.
+
+S.-L. W. Have you looked in _all_ your pockets, Freddy?
+
+S.-L. B. I sent it up under the Sergeant, and he must have mistaken the
+place, strafe him! And I told the Adjutant I'd be the other side of this
+wood, doing Visual Training, when the General came round.
+
+S.-L. W. (_impressed at last_). My hat, you're in for it! Look out, here
+they come.
+
+Second-Lieutenant Brown _fades into the landscape_.
+
+_Enter the_ General _and the_ C.O., _with_ Staff-Captain, Adjutant _and_
+Sergeant-Major. _The Platoon labours on and takes no notice_.
+Second-Lieutenant Wood _comes to attention and salutes_. _The_ General
+_remarks on the fine physique of the men, inspects the wire entanglement
+and explains how_ _he used to do it when he was a subaltern_. Private
+Hogg, _a recruit unused to Generals, stands gazing awestruck, but
+catches the_ Adjutant's _eye and, gets on feverishly with his work. The
+cortege passes on, and the platoon heaves a sigh of relief and stands
+easy._
+
+_Re-enter_ Second-Lieutenant Brown.
+
+_S.-L. W._ Go away, my good man; we've nothing for you.
+
+_S.-L. B._ I say, like a good chap----_They confer earnestly._ Curtain.
+
+
+Scene II.--_The other side of the wood. Time, two minutes later._
+
+_Enter_ Second-Lieutenant Brown _at the double with_ Second-Lieutenant
+Wood's _platoon. He hurriedly gets it to work at Visual Training._
+
+_Enter_ General, _with suite as before. The platoon carries on, taking
+no notice._ Second-Lieutenant Brown _comes to attention and salutes.
+The_ General _praises the appearance of the men and explains how Visual
+Training was taught before the Crimean War. The_ Adjutant _suddenly
+recognises_ Private Hogg _and develops a nasty cough._
+
+_The General (to C.O. as they move away)._ But do you think, Colonel,
+that either of those smart young officers of yours would keep their
+heads in a sudden emergency?
+
+_The_ Adjutant _restrains a natural desire to wink at the_
+Sergeant-Major.
+
+Curtain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_home on leave_). "Come on, Miss, hurry up with
+the lift! I've only got five days."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+I.--KINGSWAY.
+
+  Walking on the King's Way, lady, my lady,
+  Walking on the King's Way, will you go in red?
+  With a silken wimple, and a ruby on your finger,
+  And a furry mantle trailing where you tread?
+  Neither red nor ruby I'll wear upon the King's Way;
+  I will go in duffle grey with nothing on my head.
+
+  Walking on the King's Way, lady, my lady,
+  Walking on the King's Way, will you go in blue?
+  With an ermine border, and a plume of peacock feathers,
+  And a silver circlet, and a sapphire on your shoe?
+  Neither blue nor sapphire I'll wear upon the King's Way;
+  I will go in duffle grey, and barefoot too.
+
+  Walking on the King's Way, lady, my lady,
+  Walking on the King's Way, will you go in green?
+  With a golden girdle, and a pointed velvet slipper,
+  And a crown of emeralds fit for a queen?
+  Neither green nor emerald I'll wear upon the King's Way;
+  I will go in duffle grey so lovely to be seen,
+  And Somebody will kiss me and call me his queen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The depression in northern India has continued to travel
+    eastwards and is to-day affecting north-east India.
+
+    Forecast: Some rain in the submarine districts of north-east
+    India."
+
+    _Amrita Bazar Patrika._
+
+It's a wet life anyhow, and submarines were made to be depressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARMLETS AND THE MAN.
+
+[Illustration: Mr Punch (_to attested married man_). "SO YOUR COUNTRY
+CALLS ON YOU SOONER THAN YOU THOUGHT. I CONGRATULATE YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, March 14th._--Ministers as they passed through Palace Yard on
+their way to the House shuddered as they observed a long, black,
+wicked-looking motor-car, shaped like a torpedo. In this machine Mr.
+PEMBERTON-BILLING, the new Air-Member for East Herts, had done most of
+his electioneering. Now he had arrived to take his seat and, rumour
+said, to make his maiden speech. Would the Front Bench survive it?
+
+If the new Member could have jumped straight from the steering-wheel
+into the Chamber, and with his eloquence still at white-heat have got
+his fulminating message off his chest, strange things might have
+happened. But fortunately or unfortunately the procedure of the House
+discourages these dramatic effects. For nearly an hour he had to wait
+and listen to Ministerial replies to questions which he must have found
+painfully trivial.
+
+Even when the weary catechism was at last over there was a further
+delay. With great lack of consideration for the dignity of East Herts
+the PRIME MINISTER had been so careless as to catch a bad cold, and was
+not in his place. On his behalf, therefore, Sir EDWARD GREY made a
+statement regarding the entry of Portugal into the War. The gist of it
+was that the most ancient of our Allies has acquired a good-sized Fleet
+at no expense to herself, and that Germany is confronted by a new enemy
+in Africa.
+
+At last the new Member was called upon to take his seat. Belonging to no
+party he could not, of course, enjoy the usual official escort to the
+Table. But, like another young man in a hurry who in somewhat similar
+circumstances preferred scorpions to whips, Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING seemed
+quite satisfied with the ministrations of Mr. RONALD MCNEILL and Sir
+HENRY DALZIEL.
+
+Dispensing with the usual period of rest and refreshment, he assumed his
+seat immediately after shaking hands with the SPEAKER. Who knew but that
+Mr. LOWTHER, recognising the anxiety of Members to hear the latest War
+news from East Herts, might call him at once?
+
+[Illustration: THE HUSTLER FROM EAST HERTS.
+
+Mr. Pemberton-Billing introduces himself to Mr. Tennant and Mr.
+Balfour.]
+
+Routine, however, was too much for romance. For an hour or more Mr.
+TENNANT rambled over the wide field provided for him, but without
+stumbling upon anything very fresh or startling, unless indeed it was
+the discovery that "Intelligence is a very delicate matter." This
+occurred in the course of a protracted description of what was being
+done to protect the country against air raids. The organisation of the
+anti-aircraft defences was now complete for London and was approaching
+completion for the country. But Mr. TENNANT hastened to add for Mr.
+BILLING'S benefit--the standard would be still further raised when more
+material was available.
+
+When he was in the Government Mr. HOBHOUSE was not less economical of
+information in his official utterances than any of his Ministerial
+colleagues. Now that he is out of it he is all for full disclosure. Why
+had Mr. TENNANT said nothing of Gallipoli or Salonika, Loos and Neuve
+Chapelle? Why, if we were allowed to know that three million goatskins
+had been provided for the Army, might we not know how many men were
+going to wear them? In his view the result of the East Herts election
+was due to the Government having kept Parliament in the dark.
+
+At last the stage was clear for Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING, who, considering
+how long he had been kept waiting, made a creditable _debut_. He had, it
+is true, no startling revelations to make, or, at any rate, did not make
+them. His principal point was that we must exterminate the Zeppelins,
+and that we had aeroplanes enough and pilots enough to do it now. He
+would be delighted to introduce Mr. TENNANT to the men and the machines,
+while as for bombs he was prepared to lay them on the Table of the
+House. For a first performance it was quite good, even if not entirely
+equal to the advance-billing.
+
+_Wednesday, March 15._--I am rather surprised that none of the evening
+papers had the enterprise to come out to-night with a contents bill
+bearing the words--
+
+  "Great Attack on Portsmouth,"
+
+for the legend would have been not only startling but unusually
+accurate. The House of Lords assembled this afternoon in the expectation
+of hearing important statements from the Earl of DERBY and Earl
+KITCHENER on the recruiting crisis. What it was at first compelled to
+listen to was the Earl of PORTSMOUTH giving his views on the
+Anglo-Danish Agreement. With dogmatic ponderosity he declared that the
+Agreement was losing us the friendship of the other Scandinavian
+countries, that it was not preventing goods getting into Germany, and
+that it ought to be abrogated forthwith.
+
+I doubt if any of the Peers present had ever heard anything like the
+castigation which the Marquis of LANSDOWNE administered. Where did the
+noble Earl collect the kind of information that he had seen fit to pour
+forth? He seemed to have swallowed a lot of stories purveyed by people
+who were no friends to this country. There was not a word of truth in
+the suggestions he had made, and the Government, far from abrogating the
+Agreement, intended to maintain and develop the policy on which it was
+based. It was a great pity that the noble earl should have identified
+himself with an agitation that was neither wise nor patriotic.
+
+Lord PORTSMOUTH'S family name is WALLOP; this afternoon he lived up to
+it.
+
+At the present moment Lord DERBY is perhaps the most prominent man in
+the country next to the Prime MINISTER. Yet he is not a member of the
+Government. When to-day he rose from the Opposition benches to defend
+his conduct as Director-General of Recruiting and inspirer of the PRIME
+MINISTER'S famous pledge to married men, he illustrated the anomaly by
+the remark that, while he was doing his best to get that pledge
+fulfilled, Lord SELBORNE, who was a member of the Government, had been
+telling the farmers that he (Lord DERBY) did not speak with authority.
+
+Later he did a second turn--this time in his capacity as Chairman of the
+Joint Air Committee. Quite the most satisfactory part of his reply was
+the announcement that Lord MONTAGU himself had consented to become a
+member of the Committee. It is, of course, contrary to all the
+traditions of the British Government to give a man a job which he
+understands already. But in war-time even the most sensational
+experiments must not be ruled out.
+
+_Thursday, March 16th._--The House of Commons is so constructed that no
+matter how often the party-system is expelled it will always return. In
+spite of the Coalition, or perhaps because of it, the old strife of
+Whigs and Tories has revived, though the lines of cleavage are quite
+different from what they were.
+
+The new Tories are the men who believe that the War is going to be
+decided by battles in Flanders and the North Sea, and would sacrifice
+everything for victory, even the privilege of abusing the Government.
+The new Whigs are the men who consider that the House of Commons is the
+decisive arena, and that even the defeat of the Germans would be dearly
+purchased at the cost of the individual's right to say and do what he
+pleased.
+
+Naturally these latter object to the shortening of the Parliamentary
+week, and to-day they took a division on the subject. Into the "No"
+Lobby flocked a motley crew--the champions of the single men who don't
+want to fight at all, the upholders of the married men who protest
+against being called upon to fulfil their engagement until every single
+"_embusque_" has been dragged out of his lair, and, paradoxically
+enough, the universal conscriptionists who would force everyone to
+serve, but are opposed to piecemeal compulsion. The Government carried
+their point easily enough by 128 votes to 67, but evidently have to
+reckon with a new concentration of forces which may be more dangerous in
+the future.
+
+When the House of Commons passed the Bill prohibiting duelling it ought
+to have made an exception in favour of its own members. Nothing would
+have done more to raise the tone of debate, for offenders against
+decorum would gradually have eliminated one another. This afternoon, for
+example, Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD twitted Mr. HOGGE with sheltering himself
+under the patriotism of a soldier stepson, and Mr. HOGGE retaliated with
+the suggestion that Sir HAMAR ought to be with his regiment. A hundred
+years ago this would have meant a meeting in Hyde Park and a possible
+vacancy at Sunderland or East Edinburgh. To-day it merely brought a
+rebuke from the CHAIRMAN OF COMMITTEES.
+
+Again, in the days of our rude fore-fathers Sir JOHN SIMON would have
+felt constrained to send a challenge to Mr. WALTER LONG. The late HOME
+SECRETARY had delivered an attack upon the Government which Mr. LONG
+declared would be heartily welcomed in Berlin. For a much less serious
+accusation than that the Duke of WELLINGTON called out Lord WINCHELSEA.
+Sir JOHN SIMON has no such resource, and must continue to suffer under
+the imputation--a little consoled, no doubt, by the companionship of Mr.
+HOGGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (handing despatches_). "Now, mind. If you're
+captured with this you must eat it."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young Lady, competent, wishes drive taxi, commercial or private
+    car; preferably a doctor; advertiser has had three years'
+    surgical training."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+She should be useful, whatever happens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Kultur at Home."
+
+Each of the authors--Mr. RUDOLF BESIER and Mrs. JOHN SPOTTISWOODE--has
+personal knowledge of the home-life of the Bosch; and their excellent
+sketch of Prussian manners might have served usefully as a warning to us
+if we could have seen it a few years ago. But at this time of day, after
+nineteen months' experience of the enemy, I doubt its utility as a
+source of illumination.
+
+It would be futile to represent the Prussian officer as an angel in the
+house, for we have long since learned to know him as a devil in the
+field. And it is almost as futile to picture his prodigious
+self-conceit, his vile taste in dress and furniture, his conjugal
+infidelity, his habit of treating his women-folk as menials, since these
+vices are human and venial in comparison with what the War has revealed.
+Anyone might easily hazard the conjecture that the murderers of Belgium
+had never entertained too fastidious a respect for womanhood; and after
+the destruction of Louvain and Ypres it is mere bathos to insist that
+the perpetrators of these outrages against art had previously cherished
+a Philistine affection for antimacassars and plush sofas.
+
+A common difficulty with me when I witness stage tragedies arising out
+of a marriage of uncongenial types is to understand how the couple ever
+came together. And so here, when the English girl, _Margaret Tinworth_,
+in face of poverty and parental disapproval, marries a Prussian officer
+in a small garrison town, and then finds all sorts of unbearable
+conditions in her surroundings, one asks oneself, and fails to discover,
+what kind of glamour he had cast over her that most of these conditions,
+already patent enough in the society in which she had moved, had
+contrived either to escape her notice or to appear tolerable. True, she
+had gone to Germany to find release from the solitude of a motherless
+home, where an unsympathetic father had no attention to spare from his
+art treasures; but, with so admirable an aunt as _Lady Lushington_ to
+chaperon her in her own country, it was not easy to see why she must
+needs resort to exotic consolation.
+
+[Illustration:
+GERMAN FRIGHTFULNESS REPULSED.
+
+_Lieutenant Kurt Hartling_ ...  Mr. Malcolm Cherry
+_Margaret Tinworth_ ...  Miss Rosalie Toller.]
+
+However, I do not propose to set my judgment up against that of the
+authors, male and female, in regard to the credibility of her taste in
+men, since, after all, the heart of a woman is a thing past finding out.
+But I do venture to dispute the reasonableness of her ultimate attitude
+in conditions where this enigmatic organ was not directly concerned. For
+you are to understand that in the Third Act the brutality of her husband
+and the insults hurled at England, which she was expected, as a
+Prussianised wife, to approve, had become more than she could bear; and
+in the last Act we find her in a Luxembourg hotel on her way home to
+England under the care of _Lord_ and _Lady Lushington_. It is the 4th of
+August, 1914; Germany has declared war; German regiments are marching
+through the town; England has not yet spoken. The girl is in grievous
+doubt as to whether she ought not, in the changed circumstances, to
+return to her Prussian home. One could easily appreciate her attitude if
+she had argued, "I am German by marriage; though I have lost my love for
+my husband it is my duty, when he is risking his life for his country,
+the country of my adoption, to go back and watch over his home for him."
+But that was not her argument; her argument was that England--the
+England that she had so stoutly defended against German ridicule and
+contempt--had been false to her honour as the sworn friend of France,
+and that it was her business to go back to Germany and eat humble pie.
+Whatever the audience may have felt about these reflections on the
+conduct of England, they must at least have been irritated by the
+fantastic improbability of the girl's motive. Very fortunately at this
+juncture the voice of the paper-boy is heard in the street conveying the
+thrilling news of our tardy entry into the quarrel; and a glad
+_Margaret_, having recovered her respect for her native land, consents
+to return home to it.
+
+Miss ROSALIE TOLLER played the part with great charm and sympathy, and
+with a lightly-worn grace and dignity that were pure English. Serving as
+a foil to her in taste and deportment and social tradition, the _Elsa
+Kolbeck_ of Miss DOLLY HOLMES-GORE was extraordinarily German--a quite
+remarkable performance.
+
+Miss MARIANNE CALDWELL as _Frau Major Kolbeck_, the hostess of
+_Margaret_, made a most lovable drudge; and Miss DORA GREGORY had no
+difficulty in showing how the wife of a Prussian Colonel, though in her
+husband's eyes her main purpose in life may be to minister to his inner
+man, can wield an authority little less than that of the All-Highest
+over the wives of the regiment. Female society in the little garrison
+town was further represented by Miss MAY HAYSACK and Miss UNA VENNING,
+who played, with more than enough vivacity, a brace of giggling
+flappers, very curious about the more private portion of the bride's
+trousseau.
+
+Miss VANE FEATHERSTON, as _Lady Lushington_, had too little to do, and
+did it most humanly; and Mr. OTHO STUART illustrated with a very natural
+ease the kind of simple friendship, as between a man and a woman, which
+it takes an Anglo-Saxon intelligence to understand.
+
+The officers, though there might have been more of the blond beast about
+them, were sufficiently Prussian, and Mr. MALCOLM CHERRY, as
+_Margaret's_ husband, indicated with much precision the change in the
+behaviour of a German gentleman, after marriage, towards the lady he has
+consented to honour with the thing he calls his heart.
+
+Apart from the one or two doubtful points which I have referred to, the
+play went well, though it seems a pity that so much insistence should
+have been laid upon the lack of culture (English sense) in households
+where the strictest economy was essential. One was conscious of a rather
+painful note of vulgarity in the attitude of _Margaret's_ father, where
+he sniffs at the sordid environment of her German home. Impecuniosity is
+of course a prevalent trouble among German officers in small garrison
+towns; but one would have preferred that if bad taste in dress and
+furniture had to be ridiculed the laugh should have been at the expense
+of a richer society. Finally, I wonder a little that the authors, who
+must have known better, should have helped to perpetuate the popular
+misconception by which the German word "Kultur" is regarded as the
+equivalent of our "culture."
+
+O. S.
+
+
+"A Kiss for Cinderella."
+
+No well-fed person need ever quite expect to understand one of Sir J. M.
+BARRIE'S mystery plays at a single sitting. That's one of his best
+trumps, of course. But it always seems to me that, like so many writers
+of genius, he never quite knows what are his best and what his poorest
+things, and just tosses them to us to sort out for ourselves. In this
+new instance, to work off a piece of strictly professional criticism, it
+is clear that both prologue and epilogue are much too protracted. It is
+a sound dramatic canon, which not even our most brilliant chartered
+libertine of stage-land can flout with impunity, not to keep your
+audience in too long a suspense while preparing your salient theme, nor,
+after quickening their interest and firing their imagination, to chill
+with the obvious or distract with the irrelevant.
+
+Sir JAMES'S _Cinderella_ is maid-of-all-work to the housekeeper of a
+retired humourist turned painter (Mr. O. B. CLARENCE), a vague peppery
+sentimental old bachelor with an ideal of which a full-sized cast of the
+"Venus di Milo" stands for symbol in his studio. _Cinderella_ is dumpy
+and plain (that is the idea which Miss HILDA TREVELYAN tries loyally but
+without much success to suggest to us), but she has the tiniest possible
+feet. Regretfully admitting the superiority of Venus's "uppers" she
+takes heart of grace, knowing from history how important in princely
+eyes is her own particular endowment. She is always asking odd
+questions, such as "why doctors ask you to say ninety-nine" and tailors
+measuring gentlemen's legs call out "42-6; 38-7." She also has a queer
+_penchant_ for stealing boards, betrays some connection with a firm,
+Celeste et Cie. of Bond Street, and knows some German words. Which
+concatenation of facts justifies the old bachelor in consulting a
+friendly policeman (Mr. GERALD DU MAURIER). Bond Street turns out to be
+a mean street, Celeste et Cie the name under which _Cinderella_ trades,
+dealing in medical treatment, shaves, friendly counsel or dressmaking
+all at a penny fee. Also she keeps in a Wendyish sort of way a _creche_
+for orphan babes in boxes evidently made of the borrowed boards.
+
+Our policeman, coming to work up his case, loses his heart. But
+_Cinderella's_ mind is preoccupied with her ball. Ill from overwork and
+underfeeding, she wanders into the street, falls faint--and dreams her
+ball. Whereupon our authentic magician, coming to his own, lifts a
+curtain of her queer little mind and gives us an all too short glimpse
+of the state function, with an _h_-dropping, strap-hanging King and
+Queen out of a pack of cards; their disdainful Prince, who is none
+other, of course, than our policeman done into a bewigged _Monsieur
+Beaucaire_; a moody and peremptory Peer, _Lord Times_; the Censor
+(black-visored, with an axe); a grotesquely informal Lord Mayor; a bevy
+of preposterous revue beauties with their caps set at the Prince,
+against an all-gold background with the orphans babbling in a royal box
+above the throne. Of course you have the heroine's belated entry, her
+triumph and her abrupt flight, and the voice of the distraught Prince
+crying after her, which is of course the voice of her own policeman, who
+finds her and takes her to hospital. Then convalescence in a cottage
+(alleged, really a palace) by the sea and the final declaration of
+"romantical" policeman's love.
+
+Sir JAMES banked heavily on Miss HILDA TREVELYAN as his _Cinderella_.
+The English tradition of manufacturing parts to fit your players,
+instead of training players to create your parts, was never more
+shrewdly followed. She was most adorable in the exquisite business of
+arranging the offer of her policeman's hand. Mr. DU MAURIER'S bobby was
+as delightfully honest, plain-witted, heavy-booted and friendly a fellow
+as ever held up a bus or convoyed a covey of children across a street.
+But as the Prince, who was "so blasted particular," he had a chance of
+showing that rare talent for the grotesque which no part has given him
+since his inimitable _Captain Hook_, I wish indeed we could see more of
+him in this rich vein. _Mr. Clarence_ was the vague old gentleman (or
+the vague old gentleman, _Mr. Clarence_) to the life. Miss HENRIETTA
+WATSON, as the hospital doctor, bullied her patients and probationers in
+the approved manner of medical autocrats of the gentler sex. An
+excellent _Lord Mayor_ (Mr. LISTON LYLE), an irrepressible wounded Tommy
+by Mr. A. E. GEORGE and an aristocratic probationer by Miss ELIZABETH
+POLLOCK, were notable performances. Many others also ran--and ran well.
+The piece should do the same.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Optimistic Second_. "Keep it up, Bill; you're winning!"
+
+_Boxer_. "Well, if I'm winning, Jim, the other poor bloke must be
+copping something."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Kennel Companions.
+
+    "Lady wishes join another in dogs' boarding home; trial first as
+    paying guest."
+
+    _Bournemouth Daily Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The wedding was a quiet one. The bridegroom's party, who
+    motored from Colombo, were met some distance away from the
+    Walauwa by a procession of forty-five elephants, dancers, etc.,
+    and was conducted to the bride's residence, where they were
+    welcomed. Shortly after the arrival of the bridegroom's party, a
+    wedding breakfast was served, seventy-five sitting down to a
+    sumptuous repast."--_Ceylon Observer._
+
+We wonder how many elephants, dancers and guests are required for a
+noisy wedding, This, we note, was a quiet one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT PETITION.
+
+    ["A notice has been received by parents whose sons are at Rugby
+    School that, owing to increased cost of living, an extra week's
+    holiday is to be given in the Easter vacation so that
+    boarding-house masters should not feel the strain."--_Letter to
+    "The Daily Mail."_]
+
+Chapman major put down _The Daily Mail_ and looked round No. 11 study.
+"Think of those Rugby blighters having all the luck," he protested.
+
+"These prices will ruin old Dabs, and a jolly good job. The old beast
+needs ruining." This from Dyson, occupied in writing out two hundred
+Greek lines (with accents).
+
+"The Head," said Chapman major, "may be a beast, but he's a bally
+patriot. He swishes twice as hard on a day when the War news is bad. I
+felt the fall of Namur more than anyone in England. What do you chaps
+say to getting up a petition to him stating that under the distressing
+circumstances we are ready to make sacrifices and give up two weeks'
+school?"
+
+"Rot," cried Dyson. "Hundred-and-seventy more to do before call-over.
+I'd rather go on ruining Dabs."
+
+But even Dyson, when once his lines were finished, caught the infectious
+spirit of patriotism, and, like the rest, appended his signature to the
+following prose composition from the laborious pen of Chapman major:--
+
+"To the Rev. the Head Master,--Whereas the Great War for the liberties
+of Europe involves sacrifices from all, and the rise in prices must
+cause considerable difficulties, hitherto endured with noble
+self-effacement, to house-masters, We, the undersigned, feel that a
+corresponding sacrifice on our part is necessary, and respectfully pray
+that we may be permitted to give up two weeks of the Easter term, thus
+allowing ourselves more time for war-work in our respective homes and
+relieving our house-masters from an overwhelming burden."
+
+The petition was formally handed to the Head.
+
+For two days he gave no sign. Then on the morning of the third day he
+arose to address the school:
+
+"In the dark days through which we are passing, when the liberties of
+Europe tremble in the balance ("Hear, hear," from Chapman), it gratifies
+me very much to receive a petition from the school suggesting that in
+consequence of the financial strain there should be a prolongation of
+the customary Easter vacation. It pleases me to see that the financial
+responsibilities of the house-masters are appreciated by their charges.
+Would that our _Government_ had the same patriotic horror of
+extravagance! However we must consider the _post-bellum_ conditions. All
+the intellect of England will be needed after the War ("Double holiday
+task," prophesied Dyson). Yet I feel that steps must be taken on the
+lines of your petition (an enthusiastic friend here patted Chapman on
+the back). So, after consultation with the house-masters, I have
+arranged that in future only two courses will be served at dinner, and
+that there will be a reduction in the number of breakfast dishes. Thus
+without your being handicapped in the intellectual contest your laudable
+and patriotic desire to reduce expenses will be met. I may repeat that
+your consideration for your house-masters, who perform useful and
+necessary functions, has gratified me."
+
+Number 11 study that night was barricaded against all comers. A howling
+crowd in the corridor was demanding the blood of Chapman major.
+
+"Didn't I tell you to keep on ruining Dabs?" said Dyson. "Now the old
+beast will be wallowing in Exchequer Bonds bought out of our sausages
+and suet."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Engineer-Storekeeper (dictating)._ "Two gross fire
+bricks."
+
+_Stoker (writing)._ "Two gross fire b--r--i--x."
+
+_Engineer-Storekeeper._ "'B--r--i--x' don't spell bricks."
+
+_Stoker._ "Well, wot _do_ it spell?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Daylight-Saving.
+
+    "Cook-General Wanted ... Comfortable home ... No washing or
+    windows."
+
+    _Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irish Sentry (placed, to enforce an order, on road which
+is shelled by enemy whenever used by a body of men)._ "Ye'll have to
+wait, Sorr, for somewan else to go wid ye before ye can pass along
+here."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+Even those who have overloaded their shelves with books about the War
+must, I think, find a place for _From Mons to Ypres with French_, by
+FREDERIC COLEMAN (SAMPSON LOW). It is a most remarkably vivid and varied
+record of the writer's experiences, set down in a very simple and direct
+style, without the least effort at flummery and high-falutin. I can
+speak for one reader at any rate on whom it made a very deep impression.
+Mr. COLEMAN is, by his own account, an American and an automobilist.
+Those who get his book will judge him, by the unadorned account of what
+he did, to be a man of great courage and modesty, with an imperturbable
+shrewdness and a humour proof against all dangers and disappointments.
+Driving, as he did, a motor-car for the British Headquarters, and in
+particular for General DE LISLE, he saw as much fighting as any man need
+wish for and had magnificent opportunities of forming a judgment on the
+effects of German shell-fire. There is a pathetic photograph of his car
+hit by a shell outside Messines. I have spoken of the simplicity and
+directness of Mr. COLEMAN'S style; he himself describes his book as a
+plain tale. It has, indeed, that kind of plainness which in dealing with
+enterprises of great pith and moment has a peculiar brilliancy of its
+own. The account, for instance, of the Cambrai--Le Cateau battle, with
+all its vicissitudes, is extraordinarily graphic and interesting, and
+the story of the charge of some fifty men of the 9th Lancers against
+more than twice their number of German Dragoons of the Guard stirs the
+blood as with the sound of a trumpet. Delightful too is the narrative of
+how Major BRIDGES found two hundred completely exhausted stragglers
+seated despairingly upon the pavement of the square at St. Quentin, and
+how by means of a penny whistle and a toy drum he got them to move and
+brought them eventually to Roye and safety. Altogether a capital book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Great Success_ (SMITH, ELDER) is about a new-risen literary star,
+_Arthur Meadows_, his loving, unbrilliant wife, and a coruscating
+society lion-huntress, _Lady Dunstable_. Having heard this much, you
+will hardly need to be told that _Lady D._ takes up the author
+violently, that he is dazzled by the glitter of her conversational
+snares, and that the story resolves itself into a duel between her
+ladyship and (I quote the publishers) "the wife whom she despises and
+tries to set down." Nor are you likely to be in any uncertainty about
+the final victory. This is brought about, with the assistance of the
+long arm of coincidence, by _Doris_, the neglected wife, finding herself
+in a position to prevent her rival's unsatisfactory son from contracting
+matrimony with a very undesirable alien. _Doris_ indeed, and another
+female victim of _Lady Dunstable_ (also deposited on the scene by the
+same obliging arm), get busy unearthing so various a past for the
+undesirable one that she retires baffled, epigrammatic brilliance bites
+the dust, and domesticity is left triumphant. It is a jolly little
+story, very short, refreshingly simple, and constructed throughout on
+the most approved library lines. If the writer's name were not Mrs.
+HUMPHRY WARD, I should say that she ought to be encouraged to persevere,
+and even recommended to try her hand next time at something a little
+more substantial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Let me recommend Mr. ROTHAY REYNOLDS' _My Slav Friends_ (MILLS AND BOON)
+as a corrective to Mr. STEPHEN GRAHAM's _Holy Russia_, which I
+prescribed some while ago with faint reservations. Both writers set out
+to interpret our mysterious ally to us. Mr. GRAHAM always looks through
+a rosy-tinted monocle. Mr. REYNOLDS takes the road of balanced
+appreciations, candour and kindly humour--unquestionably more effective
+in the matter of making sincere proselytes. He has produced a
+fascinating book, discreetly discursive--a book that seems to let you
+into the real secrets of a people's soul. He believes in the sincerity
+of Russian promises to Poland, and claims that the Poles share his
+belief, but he does not pretend that this most unfortunate of nations
+has no grievances against its suzerain. I wonder whether our perverse
+Intelligences are capable of making the deduction that, if the
+progressives in Russia can forget their quarrel with reaction for sake
+of our great common cause, they themselves might mitigate some of the
+severity of their anti-tsarism. Mr. REYNOLDS has much that is to the
+point to say about the good old British legends of darkest Russia now
+chiefly kept going by third-rate novelists and unscrupulous journalists.
+He makes it clear that, though there is much to change, changes are
+coming as fast as they can be assimilated, indeed even a little faster.
+Finally I wish that those who control the destinies of our theatre might
+read what is written here of the traditions of the stage in a country
+where the drama is an art, not a mere speculation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Despite its name there is a simple directness about the theme of Mr.
+WARWICK DEEPING'S _Unrest_ (CASSELL) that I found refreshing. _Martin
+Frensham_ was a dramatist, and the fortunate possessor of an adoring
+wife, a charming home and a successful reputation. So quite naturally he
+grew bored with all three. Then there came on the scene one _Judith
+Ruddiger_, a widow, with red lips, who drove a great touring-car with
+abandon, played masculine golf and generally appealed in _Frensham_ to
+the elemental what-d'you-call-'ems. So these two decided to plunge into
+the freer life by the process of elopement. I was a little disappointed
+here. There had been so much chat about the Big Things that I had
+expected a rather more expansive setting to their adventure than Monte
+Carlo, followed by a round of first-class hotels. Moreover _Judith_, had
+a way of addressing her companion as "partner," which emphasised her
+wild Western personality to a degree that must have been almost painful
+at a winter-sports' resort full of schoolmasters. So I was hardly at all
+astonished when before long _Frensham_ grew more bored than ever.
+Meanwhile the adoring wife (whom the author has sketched very
+sympathetically and well) had refused to divorce him; and so in the long
+run--well, you can see from the start where the long-run is destined to
+end. But you will probably not like a pleasant tale the less for this.
+Mr. DEEPING certainly has courage. There is a scene or two in which he
+takes his amazonian _Judith_ to the very edge of bathos. "She could
+shoot straight with a pistol, and proved it by bringing a revolver to
+the summer-house, and making _Frensham_ hang his hat on the rail-fence
+that ran along the wood." Rough wooing for timid dramatists! I couldn't
+resist picturing how the late Mr. PELISSIER would have handled this
+situation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Contributor to "Poet's Corner" in country paper_. "I'm
+afraid I'll have to charge something for my poems now that paper has
+gone up."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wonder whether EVELYN BRAXSCOMBE PETTER just decided that her novel
+could not be up to date without a German spy and so forth, or whether
+she really set out to do her bit for the War by commenting on the
+Teutonic idea of honour. Anyhow, one must admit that her _Gretchen
+Meyer_ is drawn with rather uncommon skill, even if her subterranean
+mental processes are never exactly elucidated in _Miss Velanty's
+Disclosure_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). Though educated in England and
+dependent, to their misfortune, on English friends for maintenance,
+there always lurked in _Gretchen's_ attitude of impartial selfishness a
+certain muffled hostility to the ways of this country, and particularly
+to an objectionable habit she found in us of placing an exaggerated
+value on straightforward dealing. This culminated in a quite gratuitous,
+and indeed even insane, demand on the man who for his sins was in love
+with her that he should surrender either his English ideal or her. That
+he did as wisely as honestly in letting her go and be d----d to her, I
+for one had no doubt, nor I think had the authoress, for, although she
+could never quite forget that _Gretchen_ was her heroine, endowing her
+with a kind of beauty and even baldly labelling her attractive, it is
+really, on the whole, a designedly repulsive person she has presented to
+us. Though an interesting study in Teuton perfidy and certainly better
+written than the columns of most evening papers, I can hardly recommend
+the book as a restful change from that class of literature.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. H. B. MARRIOTT WATSON has invented a gentleman of the road, _Dick
+Ryder_, of whom his publishers, METHUEN, confess themselves very proud
+in that nice way they have. Armed with a bodkin and a barker he rushes
+and tushes his way through life, slitting weasands and dubbing every
+cully he meets a muckworm in the pleasant idiom current (so I take it on
+faith) in the time of our second JAMES. I should have been more
+impressed with this hero's feats in the first few tales of _As it
+Chanced_ if they had been in the very faintest degree plausible. Never
+surely were such preposterous fights, in which the whole action of a
+score of desperate opponents is completely suspended while the
+redoubtable one brings off his splendid stunts. I gratefully remember
+once having been helped through a dull day by _The House on the Downs_.
+Unless memory gilds my judgment the author put some reasonable amount of
+invention into that. But these collected tales are rather indifferent
+pot-boiling if you are to take any other standard but that of the
+gallery's formula for yarns of adventure. Perhaps, "as it chanced," my
+war lunch did not agree with me. But anyway I really cannot quite
+honestly commend this volume to any but the most stalwart of Mr.
+MARRIOTT WATSON'S many loyal friends.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, MARCH 22, 1916***
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