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diff --git a/22725-h/22725-h.htm b/22725-h/22725-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9b5664 --- /dev/null +++ b/22725-h/22725-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3007 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 31, 1920.</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" /> +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} +.poem p.i12 { + margin-left: 6em +} +.poem p.i18 { + margin-left: 9em +} + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + +td { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: center; + padding: 1em; +} + +td.left { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: left; + padding: 1em; +} + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +March 31, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 31, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 22, 2007 [EBook #22725] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOL. 158.</h2> + +<h2>March 31, 1920.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>We were glad to see that two of our +most important Universities were again +successful in obtaining first and second +places in this year's boat-race. (As +this was written before the race we +crave the indulgence of our readers if +our prophecy should prove incorrect.)</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Bradford Corporation is selling white +collars to its citizens at sixpence a-piece. +How the Labour Party proposes to +combat this subtle form of capitalist +propaganda is not known.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"I have been knocked down twice +by the same bus, but fortunately have +sustained no serious injury," stated a +plaintiff at a London +police-court the other day. +The bus in question, we +understand, will be given +one more try, and in the +event of failure will be debarred +from all further +contests of the same nature.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Quite a lot of American +bacon is being smoked +in London," says a news +item. We are glad they +have found a use for it, +but at the risk of appearing +fastidious we must say +we much prefer Havannah +tobacco.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Variety Artists' +Federation has passed a +resolution against the engagement +of Germans in +the profession. With yet +another avenue of industry +closed against him General <span class="sc">Ludendorff</span> +is said to be contemplating a +dignified retirement.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Should uglier husbands have heavier +damages?" was a question raised in +a recent divorce action. The better +opinion is that the fact that the ugly +man must have gone out of his way to +get married should tell against him.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Signs of Spring are everywhere. A +couple of telephone mechanics have +made their nest on the roof of a house +in West Kensington.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>At Question-Time in the House there +was trouble over the pronunciation of +Bryngwran and Gwalchmai. One of the +Welsh Members present said he could +have played them if he had had his +harp with him.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Saturday afternoon funerals have +been stopped at Bexhill. We are very +pleased to note this, because if there is +one thing which mars the enjoyment +of the week-end it is being buried.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Hon. <span class="sc">John Collier</span> will shortly +explain why he painted the famous +picture, "The Fallen Idol." If only +some of our minor artists would be +equally frank.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A weekly paper is offering a prize to +anybody who discovers the oldest living +fish. It is just as well that no prize +is offered for the oldest dead fish.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Large dumps of valuable material +which is slowly rotting are to be met +all along the main road in Northern +France to-day," complains a morning +paper. A responsible Government official +now admits that whilst motoring +in that district last week he noticed +that the road was bumpy in places.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There is some talk of the Americans +having a League of Notions of their own.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="sc">M. Charles Nordmann</span> states that +the world will end in ten thousand +million years. It will be interesting to +see if America will refuse to take part +in this as well.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Our horticultural expert informs us +that during the next two or three weeks +all wooden houses should be carefully +pruned.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The rumour that Mr. <span class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley, +M.P.</span>, will be asked to design +a new uniform for the Royal Air Force +is without foundation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is feared that, owing to the sudden +appearance of Summer weather last +week, the <span class="sc">Poet Laureate</span> will once +again be obliged to hold over his Spring +poem.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It seems a pity that eight of the nine +bricklayers who entered for the recent +brick-laying contest should have collapsed, +allowing the ninth an easy walk-over +with seven bricks to his credit.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Statistics show a remarkable increase +in the Welsh birthrate as compared +with previous years. As usual, nothing +is being done about it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There are several ways, says Sir +<span class="sc">James Mackenzie</span>, the eminent specialist, +of tracing heart +weakness. One way is to +charge the owner of the +heart seven-and-six for a +pound of butter. If he +faints he has a weak heart; +if he pays he is merely +weak in the head.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A Bill has been introduced +in the New York +Legislature to confine the +headlines in murder cases +to thirty-six points. The +limit for international +headliners is still fourteen +points.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Government, says +a contemporary, is about +to start growing tobacco +in Norfolk. Whether it is +to be sold as Coalition +Mixture or Carlton Club +has not yet been decided.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Royal Academy have issued a +notice that frames other than gilt will +be admissible this year. Many people, +it is thought, who never felt attracted +by the old-fashioned gilt frames will +now visit the exhibition.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>An auctioneer's clerk has been summoned +for throwing a bun at a railway +buffet waitress. It was a thoughtless +thing to do. He might have broken it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We have just heard of a Scottish +engineer who has decided to strike +out along novel lines. Although only +twenty-two years of age he has arranged +to settle down in Scotland.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%" src="images/229.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Taxi-Driver</i> (<i>who has been paid the correct fare</i>). "<span class="sc">You've forgotten +something, gov'nor</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Fare.</i> "<span class="sc">What is it</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Taxi-Driver.</i> "<span class="sc">Your address. I might want another mascot some +day</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a fashion-advertisement:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Paris Moves the Waist-Line</span>." + +<i>American Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>But it is believed that the young man's +strong right arm will succeed in rediscovering +it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span> + +<h2>"SUMMER-TIME"</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>with some moral reflections</i>).</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>To-day I left my downy lair</p> +<p class="i2">An hour before my wont;</p> +<p>But do I consequently wear</p> +<p class="i2">An unctuous smile? I don't.</p> +<p>If with the early lark's ascent</p> +<p class="i2">I soared from out my bed, it</p> +<p>Is to an Act of Parliament</p> +<p class="i2">That I must give the credit.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>When I escape, in butter's dearth,</p> +<p class="i2">The fault of waxing fat,</p> +<p>Calmly I view my modest girth</p> +<p class="i2">And take no praise for that;</p> +<p>Not mine the glory when my soul</p> +<p class="i2">Abjures its ruling passion;</p> +<p>'Tis his, the lord of Food-control,</p> +<p class="i2">Who fixed my sugar-ration.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Hampered by regulations for</p> +<p class="i2">The chastisement of crime—</p> +<p>Arson and theft and marrying more</p> +<p class="i2">Than one wife at a time—</p> +<p>I like to feel some sins there be</p> +<p class="i2">For which the law can't hurt you,</p> +<p>In whose regard your heart is free</p> +<p class="i2">To follow vice or virtue.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Of one temptation I rejoice</p> +<p class="i2">Especially to think,</p> +<p>That leaves me loose to take my choice—</p> +<p class="i2">My reference is to <span class="sc">Drink</span>;</p> +<p>Here, where as yet no rules apply</p> +<p class="i2">By Pussyfeet dictated,</p> +<p>The merit's mine whenever I</p> +<p class="i2">Am not inebriated.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i18">O. S.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE PERSONAL ELEMENT +AT A MOTOR SHOW.</h2> + +<p>Not to be outdone by Olympia we +have just held a motor show in our +provincial Town Hall. What though +the motoring magazines, obese with +the rich diet of advertisement, grew no +fatter in its honour, it was at least +the most successful social function we +have known since the War began. The +Town Hall externally was magnificent +with flags by day and coloured lamps +by night, and within was a blaze of +bunting and greenstuff. The band of +the Free Shepherds played popular +music, and the luncheon and tea rooms +were the scene of most delightful little +gatherings. Besides all this, quite +a number of cars were to be found +amongst the decorations.</p> + +<p>Nearly every demobilised officer in +the county seems to have taken up an +agency for a car or two, and bought +himself spats on the strength of a prospective +fortune. Jimmy Wrigley and +I are amongst them. Wrigley in the +Great War was M.T., R.A.S.C., and +knows so much about cars that he can +tell the make of lamps from the track +of the tyres; while I was a cavalryman +and know so little that I judge Jimmy's +cleverness only by other people's incredulity. +On our stand at the show +we exhibited two cars, which, as I carefully +learned beforehand from the book +of the words, were a Byng-Beatty +and a Tanglefoot, these being the cars +for which we are what they call concessionaires. +(The <i>bât</i> is tricky, but +one picks it up loafing about garages.)</p> + +<p>As a rule Jimmy and I do the correspondence +between us—Jimmy contributing +the technique and I the punctuation; +but for the three days of the +show his cousin Sheila volunteered to +preside at a dainty little table and make +jottings of our orders. Sheila is always +ornamental, and as we had the stand +draped to tone with her hair, and she +wore a dress which harmonized like +soft music with the pale heliotrope of +the Tanglefoot's body-work, our display +was a magnet from the word "Go."</p> + +<p>And then on the morning of the +opening day Jimmy went down with his +Lake Doiran malaria and left me to it!</p> + +<p>I am as brave as most people, but +this calamity unmanned me. "Sheila," +I said to a pair of pitying grey eyes, as +the crowd, having heard the show declared +open, massed about our stand—"Sheila, +the situation is desperate. +These people will ask me about the +cars. They will expect me to answer +them intelligently, and it's no use in +the world talking horse to them—I can +see that from their sordid looks. I shall +disappear. You can say I have gone +out on a trial run, which won't be a +lie, only an understatement. And you +can just hand them out the little books +and let them paw the varnish. Silence +will be better than anything I could +say. Probably it is better than what +any conscientious man could say about +the Tanglefoot."</p> + +<p>"I'll carry on, Nobby," said Sheila. +"You go and buy buns for Miss Hurdlewing, +and be happy. Fly! here's a +purchaser."</p> + +<p>Sheila's whisper dispersed me into +the crowd and I strolled away, while +she bestowed a smile and a specification +pamphlet on the first of the crowd to +step on to our stand.</p> + +<p>I found it impossible to keep away +for long. Sheila looked so well against +the heliotrope Tanglefoot limousine +that I had to go back to look at her.</p> + +<p>The stand was surrounded by a +throng, hushed and breathless with +interest. Sheila was talking volubly. +Hardened motorists listened with their +mouths open; zealots, feverish to expend +their excess profits on motoring +because it was a novelty and expensive, +stood spell-bound; a rival agent +drank in her words with tears in his +eyes—tears for his old innocence—and +his cheek flushed with a sudden and +splendid determination to amalgamate +with our firm.</p> + +<p>"This chassis, gentlemen," Sheila +was saying, with a glance towards the +Byng-Beatty, "has the most exclusive +features. The torque-tube being fitted +with an automatic lighter, it is possible +to change tyres without leaving your +seat; while by a simple adjustment of +the universal joint the car will take +any reasonable obstacle gracefully and +without any inconvenience to the occupants. +The clutch is of the Alabama +type. This new pattern created a great +sensation at Olympia, owing to the +ease with which it permits even the +amateur driver to convert the present +body into a <i>char-à-banc</i> or a tipping-waggon. +The hood is reversible, so +that passengers may be sheltered from +the wind when the car runs backwards. +In the rear of the boot, concealed by +a door flush with the panels, is an +<span class="sc">Einstein</span> parachute, by means of which +a passenger may leave the car before +an imminent accident or when tired of +the company."</p> + +<p>I could not move; I did not want to +either; and I certainly dared not +interrupt.</p> + +<p>"The Tanglefoot," continued Sheila, +while a sigh of sheer rapture rose from +the crowd, "is pre-eminently the car +for a medical man or pushful undertaker. +No horn is supplied, though +this will be fitted if desired. The car +is not cheap, but properly used will +soon repay itself. Amongst the accessories +supplied with the standard +chassis I should like to call your +attention to the collapsible game-bag +and landing-net."</p> + +<p>This went on for a long, long time, +and I stayed till a man in the crowd +recognised me and showed symptoms +of coming out of his trance. I fled, and +returned only at the luncheon interval.</p> + +<p>"Sheila," I said—"Sheila, this may +be fun for you, but James Wrigley and +I may sing in the streets to pay for it."</p> + +<p>"You great stupid"—her eyes were +sparking as she spoke—"I've booked +more orders than you will be able to +carry out before you've learned wisdom. +Look!" It was practically a nominal +roll of the local capitalists that she +showed me. "Nobody believes what +you say about a car, so you can say +what you like. The thing is to get it +noticed."</p> + +<p>"Did they study these cars much +before they let you take their names?"</p> + +<p>Sheila looked into my eyes and +laughed happily.</p> + +<p>W. K. H.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Our Eccentric Advertisers.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"Youth Wanted to Strike."</p> + +<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/231.png"><img width="100%" src="images/231.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE DACHSWOLF.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Fritz</span> (<i>doubtfully</i>). "GOOD DOG—IF YOU STILL <i>ARE</i> A DOG."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%" src="images/232.png" alt="" /></a><p><span class="sc">"Oh, auntie, 'Zymotic' <i>is</i> a funny word for you to be so fond of.</span>"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">"My dear child, what are you talking about?"</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">"Well, daddy said you were very fond of the last word, so I looked it up in the dictionary</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ABOUT BATHROOMS.</h2> + +<p>Of all the beautiful things which are +to be seen in shop windows perhaps +the most beautiful are those luxurious +baths in white enamel, hedged round +with attachments and conveniences in +burnished metal. Whenever I see one +of them I stand and covet it for a long +time. Yet even these super-baths fall +far short of what a bath should be; and +as for the perfect bathroom I question +if anyone has even imagined it.</p> + +<p>The whole attitude of modern civilisation +to the bathroom is wrong. Why, +for one thing, is it always the smallest +and barest room in the house? The +Romans understood these things; we +don't. I have never yet been in a bathroom +which was big enough to do my +exercises in without either breaking the +light or barking my knuckles against a +wall. It ought to be a <i>big</i> room and +opulently furnished. There ought to +be pictures in it, so that one could lie +back and contemplate them—a picture +of troops going up to the trenches, and +another picture of a bus-queue standing +in the rain, and another picture of +a windy day with some snow in it. +Then one would really enjoy one's +baths.</p> + +<p>And there ought to be rich rugs in it +and profound chairs; one would walk +about in bare feet on the rich rugs +while the bath was running; and one +would sit in the profound chairs while +drying the ears.</p> + +<p>The fact is, a bathroom ought to be +equipped for comfort, like a drawing-room, +a good, full, velvety room; and +as things are it is solely equipped for +singing. In the drawing-room, where +we want to sing, we put so many curtains +and carpets and things that most +of us can't sing at all; and then we +wonder that there is no music in England. +Nothing is more maddening than +to hear several men refusing to join in +a simple chorus after dinner, when you +know perfectly well that every one of +them has been singing in a high tenor +in his bath before dinner. We all know +the reason, but we don't take the obvious +remedy. The only thing to do is +to take all the furniture out of the +drawing-room and put it in the bathroom—all +except the piano and a few +cane chairs. Then we shouldn't have +those terrible noises in the early morning, +and in the evening everybody would +be a singer. I suppose that is what +they do in Wales.</p> + +<p>But if we cannot make the bathroom +what it ought to be, the supreme and +perfect shrine of the supreme moment +of the day, the one spot in the house +on which no expense or trouble is +spared, we can at least bring the bath +itself up to date. I don't now, as I did, +lay much stress on having a bath with +fifteen different taps. I once stayed in +a house with a bath like that. There +was a hot tap and a cold tap, and hot +sea-water and cold sea-water, and +<span class="sc">plunge</span> and <span class="sc">spray</span> and <span class="sc">shower</span> and +<span class="sc">wave</span> and <span class="sc">flood</span>, and one or two more. +To turn on the top tap you had to stand +on a step-ladder, and they were all very +highly polished. I was naturally excited +by this, and an hour before it +was time to dress for dinner I slunk +upstairs and hurried into the bathroom +and locked myself in and turned on all +the taps at once. It was strangely disappointing. +The sea-water was mythical. +Many of the taps refused to function at +the same time as any other, and the +only two which were really effective +were <span class="sc">wave</span> and <span class="sc">flood</span>. <span class="sc">Wave</span> shot out +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span>a thin jet of boiling water which caught +me in the chest, and <span class="sc">flood</span> filled the +bath with cold water long before it +could be identified and turned off.</p> + +<p>No, taps are not of the first importance, +though, properly polished, they +look well. But no bath is complete +without one of those attractive bridges +or trays where one puts the sponges +and the soap. Conveniences like that +are a direct stimulus to washing. The +first time I met one I washed myself +all over two or three times simply to +make the most of knowing where the +soap was. Now and then, in fact, in a +sort of bravado I deliberately lost it, so +as to be able to catch it again and put +it back in full view on the tray. You +can also rest your feet on the tray when +you are washing them, and so avoid +cramp.</p> + +<p>Again, I like a bathroom where there +is an electric bell just above the bath, +which you can ring with the big toe. +This is for use when one has gone to +sleep in the bath and the water has +frozen, or when one has begun to commit +suicide and thought better of it. +Apart from these two occasions it can +be used for Morsing instructions about +breakfast to the cook—supposing you +have a cook. And if you haven't a cook +a little bell-ringing in the basement does +no harm.</p> + +<p>But the most extraordinary thing +about the modern bath is that there is +no provision for shaving in it. Shaving +in the bath I regard as the last word +in systematic luxury. But in the ordinary +bath it is very difficult. There is +nowhere to put anything. There ought +to be a kind of shaving tray attached +to every bath, which you could swing +in on a flexible arm, complete with +mirror and soap and strop, new blades +and shaving-papers and all the other +confounded paraphernalia. Then, I +think, shaving would be almost tolerable, +and there wouldn't be so many of +these horrible beards about.</p> + +<p>The same applies to smoking. It is +incredible that to-day in the twentieth +century there should be no recognised +way of disposing of a cigarette-end in +the bath. Personally I only smoke +pipes in the bath, but it is impossible +to find a place in which to deposit even +a pipe so that it will not roll off into +the water. But I have a brother-in-law +who smokes cigars in the bath, a +disgusting habit. I have often wondered +where he hid the ends, and I find +now that he has made a <i>cache</i> of them +in the gas-ring of the geyser. One day +the ash will get into the burners and +then the geyser will explode.</p> + +<p>Next door to the shaving and smoking +tray should be the book-rest. I +don't myself do much reading in the +bath, but I have several sisters-in-law +who keep on coming to stay, and they +all do it. Few things make the leaves +of a book stick together so easily as +being dropped in a hot bath, so they +had better have a book-rest; and if +they go to sleep I shall set in motion +my emergency waste mechanism, by +which the bath can be emptied in malice +from outside.</p> + +<p>Another of my inventions is the Progress +Indicator. It works like the indicators +outside lifts, which show where +the lift is and what it is doing. My +machine shows what stage the man +inside has reached—the washing stage +or the merely wallowing stage, or the +drying stage, or the exercises stage. It +shows you at a glance whether it is +worth while to go back to bed or +whether it is time to dig yourself in on +the mat. The machine is specially +suitable for hotels and large country +houses where you can't find out by +hammering on the door and asking, +because nobody takes any notice.</p> + +<p>When you have properly fitted out +the bathroom on these lines all that +remains is to put the telephone in and +have your meals there; or rather to +have your meals there and not put the +telephone in. It must still remain the +one room where a man is safe from +that.</p> + +<p>A. P. H.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/233.png"><img width="100%" src="images/233.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="sc">I see the new curate has called. What is he like, Smithers</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Butler</i> (<i>who had noticed that the Curate was dressed for golf</i>). "<span class="sc">He had the appearance, +my lady, of being out of 'oly orders for the day</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span><h2>NATIONAL COAL.</h2> + +<p>A great deal of nonsense is being +talked about our coal-mines. I should +like therefore to throw a little helpful +light on the subject of nationalisation. +Speaking as an owner and not as a miner +(I have at the present moment at least +six coals and a pound or two of assorted +mineral rubbish), I want to consider +some of the pros and cons of this debatable +proposition. I take it, first of +all, that we shall pay for our coal along +with our taxes and in proportion to our +income. This will come rather hard, +of course, on the kind of people who +insist on warming their rooms with +three large electric vegetable marrows, +or by means of a number of small +skeletons pickled in gas. But such +people will no doubt be able to claim +rebates, and rebating is one of the most +healthy and instructive of our British +parlour games. Let us pass on, then, +to the means of distribution.</p> + +<p>I greatly doubt whether under State +organisation the practice of opening +up those romantic and circular caverns +in the middle of the pavement and suddenly +filling our cellars with smoke, +rain and thunder will be allowed to +continue. Rather, I expect, at the +moment when John Postman pushes +the budget of bills through the slit in +the front-door, William Coalman, walking +along the roof, will be dropping a +couple of Derby Brights, in the mode +of Santa Claus, down the chimney. +This will get over the basement trouble, +and deliveries of course will occur frequently, +if irregularly, throughout the +day at such times as the Government +consider them to be necessary for +making up the fire.</p> + +<p>But whatever happens about deliveries +the Inspector of Grates will be +an infernal nuisance. Nothing makes +a man more unpopular than interference +in a quarrel between husband and +wife, and I imagine that there will be +many little suburban tragedies like the +following:—</p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span>.—<i>A Kensington drawing-room.</i> +Mr. <i>and</i> Mrs. Smith <i>are discovered +shivering over the fire</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Smith.</i> No, no. Not like that +at all. You must break up that big +lump first.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Smith</i> (<i>coldly</i>). This is the way +my mother taught me to make up fires.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Smith.</i> Your mother! Ha!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Snatches the poker from her hand.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mary</i> (<i>entering</i>). The Coal Inspector +has called.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> Coal Inspector.</p> + +<blockquote><p><i>Taking the poker from</i> Mr. Smith's +<i>nerveless grasp, with three vicious +thrusts he assassinates the already +moribund fire. They watch him with +faces of horror. As he turns to go +they glance at each other, and with a +simultaneous impulse seize the tongs +and shovel and strike him with all +their strength on the back of the head.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p class="center">Mr. Smith <i>rings the bell. Enter Mary.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Smith.</i> Please sweep that up.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>She does so. He takes up the +poker and resumes the altercation.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>But let us turn again to the brighter +side of things. Nothing fills a house-holder +with such deep pleasure as a +legitimate grievance against the Government +on minor counts, especially when +such grievances are properly ventilated +in the daily Press. Thus:—</p> + +<p class="center">MORE GOVERNMENT CARELESSNESS.</p> + +<p class="center">SPARK FALLS ON A HEARTHRUG +AT CROYDON.</p> + +<p>Or</p> + +<p class="center">PRIME MINISTER ENCOURAGES +PNEUMONIA.</p> + +<p class="center">FIRE GOES OUT AT PONDER'S END.</p> + +<p>These are specimens of the headlines +we may confidently expect, and little +forms like the following will be found +in the more popular dailies:—</p> + +<blockquote><p class="center">PROTEST TO YOUR M.P.</p> + +<p>I protest against the continued +refusal of my fire to burn up, for +which Government maladministration +is responsible. I urge you to +do all in your power to see that +a warm ruddy glow is cast continually +over my dining-room. The +men, women and children of your +constituency will judge you at the +next election by your action in this +matter.</p></blockquote> + +<p>And then there is the question of the +miscellaneous material which is now +being supplied in the name of coal, +especially those large flat pieces of excellent +slate. As things are now I often +wonder that the miners don't make +use of them for propaganda purposes. +Chalked manifestoes such as—</p> + +<blockquote><p>We demand forty-four shillings +more a ton, a five-hour week and +control of the mines</p></blockquote> + +<p>would do much to convert the armchair +critic as he digs about in the +scuttle. When we get our coal from +the State, however, we shall, of course, +carefully set apart these sections of +slate, wrap them in brown-paper and +send them by parcel post to the nearest +elementary school, with a note to say +there must have been an inter-departmental +error.</p> + +<p>From State coal too it will only be a +step to State firewood, and we know +from the papers what lots the Government +has of that. Army huts, tables, +bed-boards, trestles, aeroplanes, railway +trucks—there is no end to it all. +And underneath the firewood, of course, +carefully packed, comes the daily newspaper +itself. There can be little doubt +that, once they have obtained a grip of +coal and kindling-wood, the Government +will proceed to nationalise the +Press.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>REDS AND DARK BLUES.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[Mr. <span class="sc">R. H. Tawney</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">G. D. H. +Cole</span>, both Oxford Fellows, represent academic +intellectualism <i>in excelsis</i> at the G.H.Q. of +Labour.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Only a simpleton or sawney</p> +<p>Falls short in reverence for <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p> +<p>Only the man without a soul</p> +<p>Disputes the kingliness of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Labour, no longer gross and brawny,</p> +<p>Finds its true hierophant in <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p> +<p>And, freed from all save Guild Control,</p> +<p>Attains its apogee in <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Proud Prelates in their vestments lawny</p> +<p>Quail at the heresies of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p> +<p>And prostrate Dukes in anguish roll,</p> +<p>Scared by the scrutiny of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Nabob quits his brandy-pawnee</p> +<p>To listen to the lore of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p> +<p>The plain beer-drinker bans the bowl,</p> +<p>Weaned by the witchery of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Students however slack or yawny</p> +<p>Grow tense beneath the spell of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p> +<p>Footballers score goal after goal,</p> +<p>Trained in the principles of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The shrimp grows positively prawny</p> +<p>On list'ning to the voice of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p> +<p>While upward shoots the blindest mole</p> +<p>Beneath the airy tread of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There's something thrilling—Colleen-Bawny—</p> +<p>About the articles of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p> +<p>And no one can so grandly toll</p> +<p>The knell of Capital as <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>As Cornwall rallied to <span class="sc">Trelawny</span></p> +<p>So Labour rallies to its <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p> +<p>And miners find a "better 'ole"</p> +<p>Provided by the creed of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Our evening congregations have more than +doubled in two months. <i>Sans Deo!</i>" + +<i>Parish Magazine.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>We don't wonder that two foreign +languages were required to veil this +shocking observation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a feuilleton ("dramatic, kinema +and all other rights secured"):—</p> + +<blockquote><p>"So he just shook hands all round, and took +off his coat, and lit a cigar, and laughed when +Betty Cardon pointed out that he had put the +wrong end of it in his mouth."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>This incident should "film" well.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span><h2>SHOULD AUTHORS PUBLISH THEIR OWN PORTRAITS?</h2> + +<p class="center">[Mr. Punch herewith disclaims all intention of quoting the title of any actual book.]</p> + +<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon"> +<tr> + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-1.png" width="200" height="284" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><span class="sc">"A Latter-day Lothario</span>."</p></div> +</td> + + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-2.png" width="250" height="243" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><span class="sc">"The young charmers</span>."</p></div> +</td> + + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-3.png" width="150" height="341" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><span class="sc">"My life-work in the +slums</span>."</p></div> +</td></tr> +</table> + + +<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon"> +<tr> + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-4.png" width="200" height="281" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">The woman with a purple past</span>."</p></div> +</td> + + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-5.png" width="250" height="293" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">The lyre of love</span>."</p></div> +</td> + + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-6.png" width="200" height="207" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Half-hours with Bunyan</span>."</p></div> +</td></tr> +</table> + +<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon"> +<tr> + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-7.png" width="200" height="200" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Court life from the inside</span>."</p></div> +</td> + + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-8.png" width="250" height="234" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Stage deportment for Amateurs</span>."</p></div> +</td> + + <td class="left" width="33%"> + <div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-9.png" width="175" height="213" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">What physical culture has +done for me</span>."</p></div> +</td></tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/236.png"><img width="100%" src="images/236.png" alt="" /></a><h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3> + +<p>"<span class="sc">My dear Miss Monteith, couldn't you give us a more appropriate expression? Don't forget you're supposed to +be stepping from the top of one sky-scraper to another, so do try and look just a little peevish.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SEASIDE ISSUES.</h2> + +<p>"This summer," said Suzanne, "we +must take the bull by the forelock."</p> + +<p>"Dearest wife," I cried, "at your +age you must not dream of joining in +such dangerous sports. Besides I don't +think the summer is quite the season +for Spain."</p> + +<p>"Who's talking about Spain? And +what is this insinuation about my age? +But a few short years have sped since +you took me from the schoolroom——"</p> + +<p>"Where you <i>would</i> mix up the proverbs +in your copy-book. But let us +get back to our starting-point; what +exactly is it you meditate doing this +summer—if any?"</p> + +<p>"Taking the children to the seaside, +of course; and, as I said, we must +make our arrangements well in advance, +otherwise we shall get left, as we did +last year, and have to put up with +lodgings in Margate."</p> + +<p>"Have you any particular place in +view?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"No. But it must have a nice sandy +beach for Barbara, and must not be too +bracing for Baby, and there must be +one or two caves dotted about, and a +snug little harbour with a dear old fisherman +who can take you sailing, and—oh, +and we'll bask on the shore all +day and watch the ripples dancing in +the sun——"</p> + +<p>"And hear the starfish calling to his +mate," I extemporised.</p> + +<p>"And we'll live a life of freedom in a +corner by ourselves," she continued +with a disconcerting change of metre +into which I could not hope to follow +her. But her words gave me an idea.</p> + +<p>"I do believe," I said, "I know the +exact spot you're pining for. To-morrow, +something tells me, is Saturday. +On Saturday I down tools at twelve. +Meet me on the weighing-machine at +Victoria Cross a quarter after noon and +I will show you the place you seek."</p> + +<p>"The man's a marvel," said Suzanne. +"What frocks shall I pack for the week-end?"</p> + +<p>"We return before nightfall," I replied.</p> + +<p>Next day I sought Suzanne at the +appointed hour and station. She had +taken my words literally and was +steadfastly occupying the automatic +weighing machine, with her back impassively +turned upon an indignant +youth who was itching to gamble a +penny on the chance of guessing his +avoirdupois. Quietly I crept behind +her and placed a coin in the slot, +simultaneously pressing my foot upon +the platform. Suzanne gazed with +mingled horror and fascination at the +mounting indicator, and at sixteen +stone jumped off with a gasp on to my +disengaged foot. For a few moments +I could have believed that the machine +had recorded the truth.</p> + +<p>When we had both regained our +composure Suzanne inquired if I had +got the tickets. The moment for enlightenment +had arrived.</p> + +<p>I led her to a hoarding and placed +her in front of a poster which depicted +a most alluring seaside resort. The +sea was of the royalest blue, the sands +were a rich 22-carat; there was a cave +in the left foreground, a gaily-striped +tent on the right, and a tiny harbour +with yacht attached in the middle +distance; and, with the exception of a +lady escaped from a lingerie advertisement +whom vandal hands had pasted +on the scene, the sole occupants of this +coastal Paradise were a gentleman in +over-tailored flannels, red blazer and +Guards' tie who was dancing a Bacchanale +with a bath-towel, a small boy +who was apparently fleeing from his +parent's frenzy, and a smaller girl, +mostly sun-bonnet, who was nursing +a jelly-fish. Beneath the picture was +the legend, "You Can Let Yourself Go +at Giddyville."</p> + +<p>I looked anxiously at Suzanne as she +surveyed this masterpiece.</p> + +<p>"Well," I said at last, "isn't that +the place of your dreams? It's all +practically as you described it last +night, and you will observe that it's by +no means overcrowded."</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span><p>"But what objectionable children!" +said Suzanne. "I shouldn't at all care +for Barbara to mix with them; and +jelly-fish sting. Besides, that boat +doesn't look at all safe, and the man's +a bounder in every sense of the word. +What's this other place?"</p> + +<p>I was disappointed, and considered +Suzanne's criticism superficial in the +extreme. The next pictures showed an +emerald sea and pink shore, two piers, +a flock of aeroplanes, and a structure +that combined the characteristic features +of the Eiffel Tower and the Albert +Memorial. One suspected a herd of +minstrels in the distance, but here +again the beach was remarkably and +invitingly uncongested. A solitary +barefooted maiden communing with a +crustacean rather caught my fancy, but +it didn't need the angle of Suzanne's +nose to tell me that "Puddlesey for +Pleasure" was a wash-out; frankly, it +was too good to believe that all the +holiday-makers but one were content +to patronise either the piers or the +aeroplanes or the hidden attractions of +the architectural outrage, and to leave +the beach so desirably vacant.</p> + +<p>We passed over in eloquent silence a +couple of lurid <i>affiches</i> which declared +that "Exhampton Is So Exhilarating" +(a middle-aged person in side-whiskers +and a purple bathing-suit attempting to +drown his unfortunate wife), and that +"Rooksea Will Restore the Roses" (a +fragile young woman in a deck-chair +being nourished out of a box of chocolates +by a sentimental ass whose attire +proclaimed him a member of the local +concert party). The next scene to engage +our attention was much more +simple in its appeal and striking in its +effect. The sea was neither so blatantly +blue nor so vividly green as the +other seas had been; the beach was but +normally sandy-hued, and there was a +delicious little fellow, clad in nothing +much except seaweed, who was splashing +himself with great seriousness in +the middle of a shining pool. Again +that amazing absence of the seaside +crowd; but somehow or other this +picture seemed to ring true. There +were no piers or other "attractions," +and to souls that shunned such delights +the <i>aura</i> of the place was extremely +sympathetic, A single glance sufficed +to determine us both.</p> + +<p>"Quick!" said Suzanne with a catch +in her breath. "What's the place +called?"</p> + +<p>Alas! where the legend should have +appeared was an ugly gap. The picture +had been badly torn in its most vital +part, and nothing was there to reveal +the identity of that magic spot where +that delightfully real and really delightful +baby boy had been caught by the +camera of the publicity agent. Hurriedly +we sought the Inquiry Bureau, +but no answer could be obtained to +Suzanne's incoherent questionings. We +have since written to various agencies, +but in vain; nor, strangely enough, in +spite of much searching, have we ever +seen the poster exhibited anywhere +else.</p> + +<p>Suzanne, however, who has not given +up her sanguine interest in the sport of +bull-baiting, is still intent on taking +time by the horns and getting in before +the rush. She has just compiled a list +of "likely" places (selected for the most +part because she likes the sound of +their names), to which we are apparently +to pay week-end visits of exploration. +I have calculated that long before +we come to the end of these expeditions +the summer—if any—will be over. +Whether we shall ever find the land of +our hearts' desire is, as the bull himself +said, a toss-up.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%" src="images/237.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Shopman.</i> "<span class="sc">Ammonia? Ay, I hae ammonia, but the stopper's oot an' the +guidness gane</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Customer.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, have you benzine</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Shopman.</i> "<span class="sc">Benzine? Ay, I hae benzine, but the stopper's in an' I canna +get it oot</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>No More "Feed the Brute."</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"The speaker advised the women not to go +in for pastry politics, but to be good suffragettes, +working only for the benefit of their +sex."—<i>South African Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"It is now announced that the America +Cup defender, as well as the challenger, will +be steered by an amateur helmsman, Mr. +Charles Adams, of Boston, having undertaken +the duty."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>We congratulate Mr. <span class="sc">Adams</span> on his +impartiality.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%" src="images/238.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE BULLDOG BREED.</h3> + +<p><i>Sportsman</i> (<i>whose opponent has just achieved the hole in one</i>). "<span class="sc">This for a half</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A SPRING SONG.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[A daily paper states that very few housewives will be able to indulge in the luxury of Spring cleaning this year owing to +the enormous increase in the cost of materials and labour.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i18">Sing!</p> +<p class="i8">I will make me a song about Spring;</p> +<p>I will write with delight of the brightness in store;</p> +<p>I will sing of a Spring never dreamed of before,</p> +<p>A Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,</p> +<p>A season of reason, a Spring without cleaning,</p> +<p>A Spring without painters, a Spring without pain,</p> +<p>A Spring that for once will not drive me insane.</p> +<p>I lift up my voice and rejoice at this thing,</p> +<p class="i12">This excellent Spring.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i18">Di</p> +<p class="i8">Will in all probability cry;</p> +<p>She will rave at the news and refuse with disgust;</p> +<p>She will say that she <i>must</i> have a thrust at the dust;</p> +<p class="i8">But I know what I'm saying,</p> +<p class="i10">We've got to go slow;</p> +<p class="i8">We <i>can't</i> go on paying—</p> +<p class="i10">Spring-cleaning must go.</p> +<p>It's the knell of the mop and the doom of the broom;</p> +<p>We cannot afford to do even one room;</p> +<p>If she wants her own way I shall say with a frown,</p> +<p>"It's too dear, and I fear, until prices come down,</p> +<p>We must try and deny ourselves this little thing."</p> +<p class="i12">Magnificent Spring!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i18">I'm</p> +<p class="i8">Going to have a delectable time;</p> +<p>Though in previous years I've been hustled about,</p> +<p>And they've driven me mad till I had to go out,</p> +<p>Without flurry or worry this year I shall stay</p> +<p>And know just where to look for my book ev'ry day;</p> +<p class="i8">It's the finest of schemes;</p> +<p class="i10">It's a blessing, a miracle;</p> +<p class="i8">Spring of my dreams,</p> +<p class="i10">I can't <i>help</i> growing lyrical</p> +<p>Over this quite unbelievable thing—</p> +<p class="i12">Glorious Spring!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i18">This</p> +<p class="i8">Is a song of unqualified bliss;</p> +<p>I have never sung quite such a song in my life;</p> +<p>I have nothing but jeers for the tears of my wife;</p> +<p>She may moan, she may groan, she may weep and grow wild,</p> +<p>But the Spring shall remain undisturbed, undefiled,</p> +<p>Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,</p> +<p>Spring as it ought to be, Spring without cleaning;</p> +<p class="i12">Halcyon days!</p> +<p class="i12">Oh, let us raise</p> +<p>Shouts of thanksgiving and pæans of praise.</p> +<p>Join me, O men. Bound the world let it ring—</p> +<p class="i12"><i>Exquisite</i> Spring!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"The Town Clerk said that Kilkenny coal, or coal raised elsewhere +in Ireland, was uncontrollable."—<i>Irish Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Like most other things in that country.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Customers in London</span>.—Hardly creditable, yet true; we satisfy +them; let us satisfy you. —— Laundry."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>On the contrary, we think it most creditable.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%" src="images/239.png" alt="" /></a><h3>OCCASIONAL COMRADES.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. Asquith.</span> "AS I WAS SAYING THE OTHER DAY, 'THERE ARE MANY ROADS WE +CAN TRAVEL SIDE BY SIDE.' THIS IS ONE OF THEM."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Labour.</span> "AH! AND AS YOU WERE ALSO SAYING ON VARIOUS OTHER OCCASIONS—'WAIT +AND SEE.'"</p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p><i>Monday, March 22nd.</i>—As if the condition +of Ireland were not bad enough, +Mr. <span class="sc">Clem Edwards</span> sought to make +our flesh creep by asking whether +the Government had information that +risings had been planned for Easter +Monday, not only in that country but +in Liverpool, Manchester and +Glasgow as well. The +<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> declined to +answer the question, and +was manifestly relieved +when Mr. <span class="sc">Jack Jones</span>, with +great tact, changed the subject +by asking if a white +blackbird had been caught +that morning on Hackney +Marshes.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/240-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/240-1.png" alt="" /></a><p>IT IS UNDERSTOOD THAT MR. NEIL MACLEAN AND MR. +DAN IRVING HAVE DECIDED TO BOYCOTT THE HAIR-CUTTING +INDUSTRY PENDING ITS NATIONALISATION.</p></div> + +<p>Lord <span class="sc">Winterton</span> and the +other "Young Turks" were +again inquisitive about the +suppressed report of the +alleged Greek outrages at +Smyrna, until Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd +George</span> put an end to the +catechism with the remark +that "Even Christians are +entitled to a fair trial."</p> + +<p>Chafing under the accusation +that the trade unions are largely +responsible for preventing ex-Service +men from obtaining employment the +Labour Party pressed the <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span> to produce his evidence. +To-day they got it, in stacks. All the +unions, in principle, are in favour of +training disabled men, but in practice +most of them require that a workman +shall have worked at his craft for from +three to six years before being +admitted to their ranks. "You +have fought for us, but you shall +not work for us" is their attitude.</p> + +<p>On the Army Estimates Sir +<span class="sc">Samuel Scott</span> pleaded for the +formation of an Imperial General +Staff. Even in peace-time there +were plenty of problems to be +solved. We should never be really +at peace, moreover, so long as +there were tribes on our frontiers +who looked upon war as an +amusement and a pastime, "as +hon. Members look upon golf." +Surely this is to underestimate +the devotion of our earnest golfers. +Judging by the condition of the +links on Sunday I should say +some of them look upon it as a +religion.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Neil Maclean</span> pretended +not to understand why we +wanted an army at all. Was not +the last war "a war to end war"? +But his main point—in which he +will be surprised to find many +quite respectable people agreeing with +him—is that it should not be officered +from one class. Mr. <span class="sc">Maclean</span> is not +so revolutionary as he thinks himself. +The most insurgent thing about him +is his hair, and even that is not more +rebellious than Mr. <span class="sc">Dan Irving's</span>.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:33%;"><a href="images/240-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/240-2.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>The Addison Bird.</i> "<span class="sc">Beautiful spring weather, John.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>John Bullfinch.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, my dear. But you don't seriously +mean to start building—what</span>?"</p></div> + +<p><i>Tuesday, March 23rd.</i>—Lord <span class="sc">Peel</span> +was evidently surprised at the amount +of opposition encountered by the Silver +Coinage Bill. Having a specimen of +the new shilling in his pocket he himself +was feeling particularly bobbish, +and could not understand the gloomy +vaticinations of Lord <span class="sc">Buckmaster</span> and +Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> as to what might +happen in West Africa and elsewhere if +we depreciated our currency. But his +usual self-confidence so far deserted +him that he confessed that he could +not "answer for the whole of the +British Empire at a moment's notice."</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span> refused to +accept Lord <span class="sc">Balfour of Burleigh's</span> +proposal to abolish the D.O.R.A. regulation +forbidding the sale of confectionery +in theatres, on the ground that +it would be unfair to the ordinary shops +to allow this competition, +and that the business of the +theatre was to supply drama +not chocolate. Lord <span class="sc">Balfour</span> +was unconvinced. His +imagination boggled at the +thought of a Scotsman, at +any rate, paying for a seat +in a theatre in order to purchase +a shilling's worth of +"sweeties."</p> + +<p>The House of Commons +has a childlike sense of +humour. There is nothing +that it enjoys more than to +have a Minister struggling +with the pronunciation of +some outlandish place-name. +When, therefore, Mr. +<span class="sc">Illingworth</span>, posed with +the deficiencies of the mail +service to Bryngwran and +Gwalchmai, made a gallant but ineffectual +effort to get over the first obstacle +and evaded the second by calling it "the +other place," Members roared with +delighted laughter.</p> + +<p>In the further debate on the Army +Estimates a good deal was said about +the unfortunate events in Ireland. Mr. +<span class="sc">T. P. O'Connor</span> had the grace to withdraw +some of the unfortunate insinuations +against the conduct of the +British soldiers into which he had +been betrayed the day before, but +Messrs. <span class="sc">Kenworthy</span> and <span class="sc">Malone</span> +repeated them with additions of +their own, and incurred thereby +a castigation from Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> +which the House cordially approved.</p> + +<p>The Coal Mines (Emergency) +Bill was read a third time. On +behalf of the Labour Party, Mr. +<span class="sc">Adamson</span> declared that the profits +of the coal industry must be +"pooled"—a proposition which +would command general approval +if there seemed any likelihood +that consumers would receive a +share of the pool.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, March 24th.</i>—Since +<span class="sc">Disraeli</span> startled a scientific +meeting by declaring himself to +be "on the side of the angels" +there has been no more remarkable +piece of self-revelation than +Lord <span class="sc">Birkenhead's</span> defence of +the Matrimonial Causes Bill. It +was not so much his wealth of +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span>ecclesiastical lore or the impassioned +appeal that he made for the victims of +the present divorce law that impressed +the Peers as the high line that he took +in condemning the opponents of the +measure. He as good as told the occupants +of the Episcopal Bench that +their view of marriage was lacking in +spirituality. The Archbishop of <span class="sc">Canterbury</span> +was so dumbfounded by the +accusation that he meekly confessed +himself unable to follow +the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor's</span> religious +arguments. Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> displayed +more pugnacity in a reassertion +of views that had been described +as "mediæval superstition." +But the Peers preferred +the Use of Birkenhead to the Use +of Sarum, and gave the Bill a +Second Reading by a two-to-one +majority.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/241-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-1.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>The <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Illingworth</span></i> (<i>after some +unsuccessful attempts to ring up the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> for +particulars about the pronunciation of Gwalchmai</i>). "<span class="sc">Ah +well, if I can't get on to David within the next +half-hour I must content myself with calling it +'the other place.</span>'" [<i>Does so.</i>]</p></div> + + +<p>In the course of the debate +Lord <span class="sc">Buckmaster</span> expressed his +regret that so effective an orator +as the Archbishop of <span class="sc">York</span> should +have deserted the Law for the +Church. After this afternoon's +display I could not help wondering +what would have happened +if "F. E.'s" call had been to the +Church instead of the Bar, and +whether a shovel-hat would not have +suited him even better than a wig.</p> + +<p>Members who display a friendly interest +in the revival of German trade were +gratified to learn that the clock-manufacturers, +at any rate, are taking time +by the forelock and are already sending +their goods to this country. So far are +they, moreover, from cherishing animosity +or desiring to magnify the Fatherland +that they modestly label them +"Westminster Chimes." It is pleasant +to record that the Board of Trade, exhibiting +the same spirit of self-abnegation, +has insisted on substituting the +time-honoured inscription, "Made in +Germany."</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:25%;"><a href="images/241-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-2.png" alt="" /></a><p class="center">THE RIGHT REVEREND THE LORD +BISHOP OF BIRKENHEAD.</p></div> + +<p>It is a mistake to suppose that there +are no limits to the ambition of the +<span class="sc">Geddes</span> family. "I never wanted air-transport," +said Sir <span class="sc">Eric</span> this afternoon, +and later on he expressly disclaimed +the megalomania which had been attributed +to him "by those best able to +diagnose the disease." He is certainly +coming on as a Parliamentary speaker, +and gave an informing and, on the whole, +hopeful account of the work of the railways +in promoting reconstruction.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, March 25th.</i>—The <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span> was rather husky this afternoon. +He had been having a strenuous +time with the miners and possibly some +of the coal-dust had got into his throat. +But his spirit is unabated, and he flatly +refused to withdraw his charge that the +trade unions, by refusing to modify their +regulations, are holding up the building +industry.</p> + +<p>In connection with the proposal to +raise the Tube fares, Mr. <span class="sc">Will Thorne</span> +inquired whether this would not mean +an increase of two pounds a week in the +expenditure of some families, and, on +the figure being challenged, said that it +was quite correct, for one of the families +was his own. Members entered into +rapid calculations on their Order Papers +with the view of discovering how many +olive-branches had sprung from this +<span class="sc">Thorne</span>.</p> + +<p>After Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith's</span> "prave 'orts" +at the National Liberal Club the mildness +of his criticism upon the Government's +foreign policy sadly disappointed +his more ardent supporters. His only +concrete suggestion was that we should +surrender our mandate for Mesopotamia +and retire to the coast, and this did not +meet with much approval.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE INDIARUBBER BLOKE.</h2> + +<p>The train ran into Victoria Station +and pandemonium.</p> + +<p>A struggling mass of people trying +to get out, another mass trying to get +in; everybody pushing and muttering, +grunting and groaning; and above all +the howling of the Specially Selected +Band of Hustlers in their now famous +and unpopular performance:—</p> + +<p>"'Urry up off the car, please. +<span class="sc">Wait</span> till they're all off. Move +right down the centre, please. +Wot are you doin' there? Come +orf it if you're comin' orf. Get +a move on, please. 'Urry up on +board. Come on there. <span class="sc">Right +behind</span>."</p> + +<p>A siren shrilled and we were +moving again.</p> + +<p>"Can't you set the kid down, +Mother?" said a voice. "You +can't carry her like that. Be +quiet, 'Enry, will you."</p> + +<p>I managed to struggle out of +my seat.</p> + +<p>"Thank you, Sir," said the +man. "Sit down, Em'ly. That's +better. Now you can 'old the +kid. Shut up, 'Enry, will you?"</p> + +<p>I looked for Henry and found +him wedged in a forest of legs.</p> + +<p>"I think he's afraid of being trodden +on," I said.</p> + +<p>We managed, with some effort, to +extract the child and make him a little +more comfortable. His father turned +with a sigh of relief to me.</p> + +<p>"Awful business travellin' with kids +nowadays, ain't it?" he said.</p> + +<p>"I can quite believe it," I said.</p> + +<p>"Bad enough anywhere," he went +on, "but on this line—well—and they +stick up placards tellin' you to be +patient. Patient! With a wife and +two kids, and them young jackanapes +at Victoria a-howling at you all the +time. If there's one thing I 'ate it's +bein' 'ustled." He laughed resentfully. +"'Come on, get a move on.' 'Jump to +it!' Shoutin' and howlin' till you don't +know whether you're gettin' on or +gettin' orf. Anybody'd think we was +a lot of blinkin' animals."</p> + +<p>Something clicked inside my head +(I hesitate to suggest what) and the +carriage and the swaying people went +out of focus.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>There was a little squad of soldiers +piling arms.</p> + +<p>"Stand clear," said the subaltern in +charge.</p> + +<p>"Stand at—ease. Stand easy. Carry +on, Sergeant."</p> + +<p>The P.T. Instructor came forward.</p> + +<p>"Now, lads," he said briskly, "take +off your equipment and your tunics +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span>and puttees and roll up your sleeves. +And while you're doin' it listen to your +Uncle Brown, who's goin' to give +things away.</p> + +<p>"I 'aven't took any of you lads before—(come +along there, my son; we ain't +syncopatin' the movements)—but I'm +told you're all B.E.F. men. Well then, +I expect you think you know something. +So you do. You know what a +Jerry looks like and what a Whizzbang +sounds like. But that ain't much. +You don't know me. 'Ave a good look +at me. You'll 'ear what I <i>sound</i> like +in a minute."</p> + +<p>He paused for effect and breath.</p> + +<p>"Now you 'ave 'ad a look at me +you'll know me. Not the Apollo +Belgravia, but just plain Brown—Mrs. +Brown's old man—that's me; and +thank 'Eaven it's 'im you've got to +deal with and not Mr. Brown's old +woman. Now we'll get to work, lads, +and 'ustle's the word."</p> + +<p>He moved away a few paces.</p> + +<p>"When I say 'Round me nip,'" he +shouted, "I want to see a cloud of dust +and a livin' statue. Round me—<span class="sc">Nip</span>!"</p> + +<p>There was boxing.</p> + +<p>"'It 'im," yelled Brown; "you ain't +doin' a foxtrot! Bite 'is ear orf! Make +'is nose bleed!"</p> + +<p>Their noses bled.</p> + +<p>There were bayonet charges on stuffed +sacks.</p> + +<p>"Kick 'em," roared Brown, leaping +round like a dervish; "make faces at +'em! I want to see ye getting uglier +every minute."</p> + +<p>They grew uglier.</p> + +<p>Half-an-hour later the squad, limp +and perspiring, lay down for a rest.</p> + +<p>"Well, you've not done too bad," +said Brown; "you're all breathin', +anyway. Get dressed now, and don't +be 'alf-an-hour at it. Don't forget, my +lads, 'ustle's the word what makes such +men as me—and you too by the time +I've finished with you. I'll make it a +bit stiffer to-morrow."</p> + +<p>He strolled off.</p> + +<p>A voice arose from the squad:—</p> + +<p>"Anybody'd think we was a lot of +blinkin' animals."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>I came back suddenly to the carriage +and the crush.</p> + +<p>"So you've altered your ideas about +hustling?" I said.</p> + +<p>"Altered them? Why?"</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, "I can remember a +day when Mrs. Brown's old man——"</p> + +<p>"Why, Sir, you mean to say——"</p> + +<p>"I do," I said.</p> + +<p>And after a time:—</p> + +<p>"Well, good-bye, Sergeant. Awfully +glad to have seen you again, and to +know you don't like being hustled any +more than we did."</p> + +<p>He laughed.</p> + +<p>"One for you, Sir," he said. "But +after all you was carrying a rifle, not a +bloomin' baby."</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%" src="images/242.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Old Gentleman.</i> "<span class="sc">Is that your baby</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Little Girl.</i> "<span class="sc">No, Sir, it ain't ourn. We ain't 'ad none since me</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A Cool Reception.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Visit of 10 Wesleyan Ministers</span>.</p> +<p>—— Wesleyan Church.</p> +<p>'Is happiness possible to-day?'"</p> + +<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Nursery Governess to go to Jamaica early +May; two boys ages seven and four; one able +to give first lessons and music."—<i>Times.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Then why can't he teach the other?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY.</p> + +<blockquote><p>Exceptional Purchase of —— Cigars. Weight +about 1½ lbs. Length 5 inches."</p> + +<p><i>Advt. in Evening Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>But only suitable, we should imagine, +for very heavy smokers.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Ex-Government Bedside Tables, make +Boat Cupboards, Safes, Bookcases, Wash-stands, +etc., not large enough to live in."</p> + +<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Not a solution of the housing problem +after all.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/243.png"><img width="100%" src="images/243.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Head of the House.</i> "<span class="sc">Don't think I'm complaining, Emma. I know I can't afford to buy new clothes, and don't in the +least object to having Wilfrid's trousers cut down to fit me; but the bag of the knee makes them fall so awkward +at the ankle</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SCREEN <i>v.</i> STAGE.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[According to Mr. <span class="sc">W. G. Faulkner</span>, who has recently interviewed <span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span> at Los Angeles, the great film comedian chiefly +reads serious books on philosophy and social problems, being specially interested in the prices of food and clothing. Romantic novels +have no attraction for him, and it is nonsense to say that he ever hoped to play <i>Hamlet</i>, for "he does not like Shakespeare, whose +works neither entertain nor interest him."]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There is bitter grief at Stratford, on the silver Avon's marge,</p> +<p>Where the cult of <span class="sc">William Shakespeare</span> is extremely fine and large,</p> +<p>For across the broad Atlantic comes the petrifying news</p> +<p>That the greatest film comedian does not care for <span class="sc">William's</span> Muse.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Serious problems—economics and the price of margarine—</p> +<p>Occupy the hours of leisure that he snatches from the screen;</p> +<p>But the works of <span class="sc">William Shakespeare</span> he dismisses as inane,</p> +<p>And he harbours no ambition to enact the princely Dane.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>This momentous revelation, little birds reveal to me,</p> +<p>Has produced a spasm of anguish in the heart of <span class="sc">Sidney Lee</span>;</p> +<p>Wails arise from <span class="sc">Henry Ainley</span>, <span class="sc">Benson</span>, <span class="sc">Lang</span> and <span class="sc">Moscovitch</span>,</p> +<p>Though so far no word of protest emanates from <span class="sc">Little Tich</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Still, by way of compensation for this ruthless turning down</p> +<p>Of the chief Elizabethan by a neo-Georgian clown,</p> +<p>'Tis averred that <span class="sc">Stoll</span> (Sir <span class="sc">Oswald</span>), in a life of storm and stress,</p> +<p>Finds distraction from his labours in the works of <span class="sc">William S.</span></p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>In this context I may notice that the "consequential" <span class="sc">Keynes</span></p> +<p>From an economic survey of the cinema abstains;</p> +<p>But this curious lacuna does not prove that he has missed</p> +<p><span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin's</span> true importance as a sociologist.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>All the same, good Viscount <span class="sc">Morley</span> is, we are prepared to state,</p> +<p>Unaware of the existence of the peerless <span class="sc">Harry Tate</span>;</p> +<p>And the name of <span class="sc">Mary Pickford</span> doesn't palpably convey</p> +<p>Any sort of connotation to the mind of Viscount <span class="sc">Grey</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>This is much to be regretted, but I'm not without the hope</p> +<p>That our publicists and statesmen may enlarge their mental scope</p> +<p>By frequenting entertainments where the pleased spectators rock</p> +<p>At the antics of <span class="sc">George Robey</span> or the drolleries of <span class="sc">Grock</span>.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>So, conversely, <span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span>, in a later, mellower phase,</p> +<p>May attain to the enjoyment of Elizabethan plays,</p> +<p>And, when economic problems on his jaded palate pall,</p> +<p>Recognise that there is something in our <span class="sc">William</span> after all.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>Extract from a lover's letter, read recently in court:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>"I see those self-same eyes, which are my own love's, looking at +each other with all that tenderness with which they once looked into +mine."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>It would appear that the object of his affections suffered +from some obliquity of vision.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span><h2>OUR "DUMB" PETS BUREAU.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">As one of family—cat</span> (lady), elderly; +would give slight services (mousing, +etc.) in return for comfortable home. +No dogs. Highest refs. Strictest confidence.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Parrot</span> seeks sit. with refined conversationalists. +Eighty years in last +place. Cause of leaving, death of owner.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Rabbit</span>.—Quiet, domesticated, with +family of nine, wishes to find home +with vegetarians. Sleep out.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Dog</span>, young, seeks home in cheerful +family. Well-bred society. Children +not objected to. Liberal table and good +outings necessary.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Pony</span>, no longer young, quiet tastes, +is seeking post with family where +motor is kept.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Sow</span>, eleven encumbrances, wishes to +board with Jewish family. Liberal +table.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Lonely</span> goldfish would like to meet +with another similarly situated. +View to partnership.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Donkey</span>, at present in seaside town, +wishes post inland during holiday +months. Suitable for bed-ridden invalid.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Canary</span>, powerful notes, enthusiastic +singer, seeks board-residence with +musical family.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Homes from home—Cuckoos</span> coming +England in April desire addresses +of well-appointed nests for +depositing eggs. Personally investigated.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Au pair—Robin</span>, having maisonette +larger than he requires (flower-pot), +would like to find another to share it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Cockerel</span>, early riser, smart, good +appearance, seeks sit. in country +house. Preference for one with home-farm +immediately adjacent.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Pet lamb</span>, the property of butcher's +daughter, desires home with humane +gentlewomen.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Spaniel</span>, field, rather stout but pleasing +appearance, is giving up country +pursuits owing to difference with game-keeper. +Would join lady in carriage +drives and meals.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Pekinese</span>, noble birth, would go as +companion in Ducal family living +in good neighbourhood. Carriage. No +knowledge of Chinese required.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%" src="images/244.png" alt="" /></a>"<p><span class="sc">I'm looking for my mother. Has she been in here? I know she went +to buy a chicken, but I don't know if you're her chicken butcher</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"EXPORT SECTION.</h2> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Sir Auckland Geddes and Other +Problems.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Canadian Gazette.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>But we understand that the late President +of the Board of Trade is no +longer a problem. The last thing he +did before leaving office was to issue a +licence for his own exportation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Soldier Ants of New Zealand.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"Details of the distribution of the payments +to soldiers' wives in lieu of separation allowances +have not yet been finally approved, but +the amount is to be made up to 3s. a day. +Sir James Allen told a Post reporter this +morning; in reply ants and 2nd lieutenants +would share in the distribution."</p> + +<p><i>New Zealand Paper.</i></p> + +<p>"The Defence Minister was asked by Mr. +G. Witty if he would extend the payment of +gratuities on behalf of deceased soldiers to +sisters and cousins when the soldier had made +a will to that effect."—<i>Same paper, later.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>The reason why Mr. <span class="sc">Witty's</span> solicitude +was limited to the sisters and cousins +evidently was that the ants had been +already provided for.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Sir Oliver's personality is like that of one +of the prophets of old. Venerable, white of +beard and what scanty locks of hair remain, +a dome-like head, over six feet in height."</p> + +<p><i>Boston Herald.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>This must be the result of the American +atmosphere, as we are quite certain +that the last time we saw Sir <span class="sc">Oliver</span> +his head was not an inch over three +feet in height.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span><h2>DEMOBBED.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">India</span>, 1920.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"I'm goin' home," said Hennessey, "for I've been East too long;</p> +<p>I want the English hedges an' fields an' the English thrush's song,</p> +<p>An' the honest English faces an' never nobody black;</p> +<p>It's home for mine," said Hennessey, "so it's down your tents and pack.</p> +<p class="i6">It'll pass out here</p> +<p class="i6">For a month or a year,</p> +<p class="i4">But not for a lifetime—no dam fear.</p> +<p>I want my folks," said Hennessey, "an' I'm jolly well goin' back."</p> +<p>But <i>I</i> said, "Home's gone different an' I've somehow lost the touch,</p> +<p>An' nobody's written for fifty years, so <i>they</i>'re not worryin' much;</p> +<p>An' I like it here; I love it." Says Hennessey, "Well, I'm shot!</p> +<p>Would ye die an' be buried in India?" "Well, Natty," says I, "why not?"</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"East Africa, then," said Hennessey; "it's a promisin' place is that—</p> +<p>Money to make an' jobs galore, easy an' rich an' fat;</p> +<p>An' think of the ridin' an' shootin' an' the camp an' the trekkin' too;</p> +<p><i>You</i>'ve no ties," said Hennessey; "it's the place for a chap like you.</p> +<p class="i6">There's a grand career</p> +<p class="i6">For a pioneer,</p> +<p class="i4">Which is more than ever you'll see out here.</p> +<p>East Africa's it," said Hennessey, "if the half they say is true."</p> +<p>But <i>I</i> said, "Blow East Africa an' slavin' yourself all day;</p> +<p>I'm an idle man—bone idle—with a little bit saved away,</p> +<p>An' I like them palm-tree beaches an' the warm blue sunlit sea;</p> +<p>East India, yes, an' welcome, but East Africa—no, not me."</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Well, Palestine," said Hennessey; but I cut him short and sweet,</p> +<p>An' "Natty," I said, "I've heard it all an' I don't want to repeat—</p> +<p>Jerusalem or Mombasa, Tahiti or Timbuctoo,</p> +<p>Or careers an' pioneerin' an' the rest of it all—nah poo!</p> +<p class="i6">It's no good, Nat,</p> +<p class="i6">For I tell you flat</p> +<p class="i4">I've cottoned to India an' that's just that;</p> +<p><i>Bus hogeva</i>; all done—finish; I'm here till the trees turn blue,</p> +<p>For I love them early mornings, shiny an' clear an' grey,</p> +<p>An' I love the cool o' the evening when the temple drummers play,</p> +<p>An' the long, long, lazy afternoons, when the whole creation sleeps—</p> +<p>Quit it? Old man, I couldn't; I'm India's now for keeps.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"So Hennessey, you go home," I says, "an' see to the wife an' kid."</p> +<p>"You'll follow me there one day," says he, an' I says, "Heaven forbid!</p> +<p>I'll just be goin' about an' about an' keepin' an open mind</p> +<p>An' sometimes doin' a job o' work, but not if I'm not inclined;</p> +<p class="i6">An' I won't care</p> +<p class="i6">If I'm here or there,</p> +<p class="i4">Jungle or forest or feast or fair;</p> +<p>I'll take it all as it comes along, as the Maker o' things designed;</p> +<p>I'll tramp it North to the Kashmir hills an' South to the Nilgiris;</p> +<p>I'll find my friends as I find my fun—and that's where I dam well please;</p> +<p>An' never no <i>saman</i> or houses or taxes or servants to send things wrong."</p> +<p>"It wouldn't suit me," said Hennessey. "It wouldn't," says I. "So long!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE ACTRESS.</h2> + +<p>You are doubtless aware that in the successful musical +comedy, <i>The Girl of Forty-Seven</i>, there is a scene in which +Miss Verbena Vaine, as <i>Clementina</i>, the horse-dealer's +beautiful daughter, denounces the disreputable old veterinary +surgeon, <i>Binnett</i>, so whimsically played by that ripe +comedian, Mr. Sid Apps.</p> + +<p>On my first visit to the play many weeks ago an incident +occurred which both enhanced Mr. Apps's reputation for +spontaneous humour and highly diverted the audience.</p> + +<p>It will be remembered that at the climax of her outburst, +<i>Clementina</i>, with eyes ablaze and voice vibrating with passion, +hisses, "Loathsome scoundrel, how I detest and despise +you!" On the evening to which I refer a mock-submissive +look came into Apps's face when these words were +spoken, and he interrupted gently, "Not too much soda, +Verbena," glancing with mischievous curiosity to see how +she would take his humorous comment upon her emphatic +utterance of this line of many sibilants.</p> + +<p>The audience was greatly delighted by this effect. Miss +Vaine failed completely to maintain the <i>rôle</i> of the indignant +beauty and turned her back to the footlights to hide her +face, though her laughter was betrayed by the shaking of +her handsome shoulders. There was a pause of some +moments before she resumed, "My father shall know of +this," and so forth.</p> + +<p>Last week, when Doris, my niece, chose that I should +take her to see <i>The Girl of Forty-Seven</i>, I was not unwilling +again to enjoy Apps's humour. I listened with +especial care as we approached the scene in the play to +which I have referred. Perhaps he would employ some +still more successful gag. At last came <i>Clementina's</i> outburst. +"Loathsome scoundrel, how I detest and despise +you!" she exclaimed with vehemence. "Not too much +soda, Verbena," replied the comedian gently, with a mischievous +glance of curiosity. The actress gave a look of +amazement, then quickly turned her back to the audience, +where she stood for some moments with her face in her +hands and her shoulders shaking, the audience laughing +aloud with delight. The action of the play was delayed for +some moments before Miss Verbena Vaine resumed her part.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Another Sinecure.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"Wanted, Housemaid, £45, for three in family, three maids; +no children; good room; all time off usual."—<i>Morning Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Domestic Problem.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"——'s Registry have ladies waiting here daily, 2 to 4.30, for all +kinds of maids (with or without experience)."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>We don't doubt it for a moment.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Councillor ——: Can we afford to allow the town to be in real +jeopardy every hour?</p> + +<p>The Chairman (to the Brigade Captain): Did you have to take +the horses away from a funeral the other day, when there was a call?</p> + +<p>Brigade Captain: We had to wait until the funeral party got back."</p> + +<p><i>Local Paper.</i></p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Where are the gees of the Old Brigade?"</p> +<p>"Gone to a funeral, Sir," she said.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%" src="images/246.png" alt="" /></a><h3>HUNT STEEPLECHASE.</h3> + +<p><i>Voice from the Crowd</i> (<i>to sportsman whose horse has refused the brook</i>). "<span class="sc">Now then, guvnor, what yer afraid of?—Spoiling +the fishing?</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p>Countless readers, fusionists and others, will be glad to +have Mr. <span class="sc">Harold Spender's</span> sparkling abstract of the +more romantic passages in the life of <i>The Prime Minister</i> +(<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>). The first half of the book +describes the upbringing and early battles of this man of +peace, Rose Cottage at Llanystumdwy with "Uncle Lloyd"—there +is a touching picture of the courage, wisdom and +unselfishness of this grand old man—the little attorney's +office at Portmadoc, squire- and parson-baiting <i>passim</i>, +capture of Carnarvon Boroughs, guerilla tactics in the +House, suspension, recognition, pacifism, office, original +budgeting, Limehousing (very reticently indicated), social +reform. Then War and the supreme opportunity for the +energy, persuasiveness, adroitness and determination which +must extort even from opponents the tribute of admiration. +Not a dull page; occasionally an obscure one. None of +your cold and calculated criticism for Mr. <span class="sc">Spender</span>. Have +idols clay feet? Well, not this one, thank you. And it is +an attitude which enables him to convey to the reader +something of the irresistible personal magnetism of his +distinguished friend, and the courage which delights in +riding the storm and is at its best in the tight corner (one +might suspect the <span class="sc">Premier</span> of holding the view that if there +were no tight corners it would be necessary to invent them). +The summary of the War period is admirably done. The +history of events leading to the formation of the second +Coalition Government—and the third—is again tactfully +presented. It would be unreasonable to suppose that all of +Mr. <span class="sc">Spender's</span> verdicts and estimates will be unchallenged +by historians. But it is unlikely that the <span class="sc">Premier</span> will +find a more competent hagiographer.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>A story that so far violates the conventions as to start +with a mother whose moral instability is a worry to her +children, and a hero who longs to be a practical builder +despite a parental command to follow art—such a tale can +at least claim the merit of originality. Mr. <span class="sc">J. D. Beresford</span> +would be fully justified in claiming this and much more for +<i>An Imperfect Mother</i> (<span class="sc">Collins</span>). Here is an interesting, +fascinating and certainly unusual story, in which only two +characters are of any real moment, <i>Cecilia</i>, the imperfect +mother, embodiment of the artist temperament, egotistical +almost to inhumanity, who abandons her dull husband +and boring daughters to "live her own life"; and <i>Stephen</i>, +the son, who alone can give her a half-sympathetic, half-resentful +understanding. You see already the cleverness +of Mr. <span class="sc">Beresford's</span> conception. Really, it is just this +that works (at least for me) its undoing. His characters +are fashioned with the nicest ingenuity; the positions +into which he so dextrously manipulates them compel your +interest and delighted wonder; but never once do they +touch your emotions, and never once can you see them as +anything but the creations of a highly talented brain. This +is the more strange because Mr. <span class="sc">Beresford's</span> people are as +a rule so convincingly real. Perhaps to some degree the +effect of artifice is due to the author's exclusive preoccupation +with his central character. <i>Cecilia's</i> husband, her +daughters, the home of her early married life, are shown to +us only by the light of her flashing personality; this withdrawn, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span>they simply cease to exist. On the whole, therefore, +I should call <i>An Imperfect Mother</i> a highly entertaining +example of pure intellect, admirable but uninspired, which +for my own part I enjoyed amazingly.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Though "<span class="sc">E. H. Anstruther</span>" (Mrs. <span class="sc">J. C. Squire</span>) has +called her latest story <i>The Husband</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) one can hardly +resist the feeling that this is rather a generous description +of the central character, who indulged in so much philandering +with one person or another that it is difficult to regard +him as more than a husband in, so to speak, his spare time. +<i>Richard Dennithorne</i>, I must believe, was a "ladies' man" +in two senses, since he is undeniably a very womanly conception +of the all-conquering male, with indeed more than +a little of <i>Mr. Rochester</i> in his composition. The story +tells how <i>Penelope</i>, the heroine, comes to live with her +adopted aunt <i>Margery</i>, of whom <i>Richard</i> was the spouse +intermittent); how <i>Richard</i>, at the moment absent upon +amorous affairs, returned, and so fascinated <i>Penelope</i> with +his masterful ways that she fled to London; how, almost +immediately after, she +stultified her precautions, +but saved the +plot, by becoming +<i>Richard's</i> secretary at +his office in that city; +and how, finally, +poor <i>Margery</i> (who +throughout monopolised +my sympathy), +having generously expired, +<i>Penelope</i> and +the ex-husband fell +into each other's arms. +Of course there is a +lot more than this +really, so don't think +that I have spoilt the +fun for you. As for +the quality of the tale, +this, I fancy, may be +better appreciated by +women than men, +since, as I have hinted, +its outlook is so essentially feminine. Mrs. <span class="sc">Squire</span> writes +with sincerity and brings her characters to life. She needs, +however, to remember that words unwatched are dangerous. +Such slipshod phrasing as "<i>young</i> muscular <i>youth</i>" must +grieve the judicious, while the effect of the sentimental +interview on p. 99 was simply ruined for me through the +unfortunate suggestion conveyed by "her blood rose <i>in a +boil</i> to her face." The italics are mine, but the proof-reading +is (or should have been) the author's.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>Miser's Money</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) brings Mr. <span class="sc">Eden Phillpotts</span> +back to Devonshire, and I wave my little flag to welcome +him. Of late he has sometimes been a shade too didactic +for my liking, but here he gives us yet another plain tale of +his beloved moor, and he is instructive only in showing the +danger of too much money—a danger at which most of us +can in these days afford to smile. The <i>Mortimers</i> were, +one would have supposed, a clan unlikely to be moved from +their native soil by anything less convulsive than an +earthquake. But money did it. One of them was a miser, +and when he died—after a terrific gorge at his brother's +expense—he left trouble behind him. Some of his relations +wanted more of his money than was good for their souls, +and one of them (actually) fought shy of receiving her proper +share. Altogether a pretty tangle, which was not +unravelled until the <i>Mortimers</i> had resolved to try new +pastures. True, they did not go very far, but the disturbing +influence of money is sufficiently illustrated by +the fact that it induced such deeply-rooted folk to move at +all. If the theme of this story is a little sordid it is relieved +by its treatment from any reproach, and faithful followers +of the <span class="sc">Phillpotts'</span> trail will enjoy every word of it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>All that we ever hoped—some day, when the War was +over—to hear about those most fascinating mysteries, the +Tanks, has been put together by Major C. and Mr. <span class="sc">A. +Williams-Ellis</span>, under the title <i>The Tank Corps</i> (<i>Country +Life</i> Offices). Here are genuine uncamouflaged pictures of +all kinds of tanks, with detailed maps and descriptions +showing their operations, as well as stories not only of +those that walked in orthodox fashion through enemy +villages "with the British army cheering behind," but of +others that disappeared entire in mud, or drove themselves +unaided back to our lines when too full of gas to be +occupied, or scrunched up batteries of field-guns, or cruised +alone for hours, like +the famous one called +Musical Box, among +the enemy's communications, +or crossed +vast trenches over +bundles of faggots +carried upon their +backs. Every boy of +the right kind who +inherits the proper +zeal for mechanisms +will certainly find in +this book the most +absorbing of yarns. +Not that the subject +is treated in the least +lightly or frivolously, +but, since the barest +truth is here incredible +romance, the +authors, soberly collecting +materials from +despatches, diaries +and so on, as well as drawing on their own obvious first-hand +knowledge, have achieved a fairy-tale of mechanics. +That the crews were no less wonderful than their machines +we knew before, but the writers' modest yet illuminating +account of the difficulties under which they worked is +none the less welcome.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>If you decide to go on <i>Circuits</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) with Mr. +<span class="sc">Philip Camborne</span> you will find him an interesting and +informing companion. His hero and heroine are a Wesleyan +minister and his wife, so completely out of tune with the +usual heroes of contemporary fiction that they are actually +shameless enough to be in love with one another from the +first page to the last. Though he shows a remarkable +insight into the lives of Wesleyan ministers, Mr. <span class="sc">Camborne</span> +declines the popular methods of sectarian fiction and refrains +from any attempt to proselytize. Instead we are simply +given a clear and often amusing account of what <i>Mark +Frazer</i> had to put up with in his wanderings from circuit +to circuit. Mr. <span class="sc">Camborne</span> is modern in confining himself to +the history of a single family, but in outlook he belongs to +a past century. And I mean that for a compliment.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%" src="images/247.png" alt="" /></a><p>UNRECORDED HISTORICAL SCENE.—ROMULUS HEARS FROM HIS +CONTRACTOR THAT ROME CANNOT BE BUILT IN A DAY.</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>Motto for the Wee Frees when attempting to conciliate +the Labour Party: Lib. and let Lab.</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, March 31, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 22725-h.htm or 22725-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/7/2/22725/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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