73 files changed, 7403 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/22725-8.txt b/22725-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2df3242
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2190 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, 
+March 31, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,  March 31, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2007 [EBook #22725]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+
+March 31, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+We were glad to see that two of our most important Universities were again
+successful in obtaining first and second places in this year's boat-race.
+(As this was written before the race we crave the indulgence of our readers
+if our prophecy should prove incorrect.)
+
+       * * *
+
+Bradford Corporation is selling white collars to its citizens at sixpence
+a-piece. How the Labour Party proposes to combat this subtle form of
+capitalist propaganda is not known.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I have been knocked down twice by the same bus, but fortunately have
+sustained no serious injury," stated a plaintiff at a London police-court
+the other day. The bus in question, we understand, will be given one more
+try, and in the event of failure will be debarred from all further contests
+of the same nature.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Quite a lot of American bacon is being smoked in London," says a news
+item. We are glad they have found a use for it, but at the risk of
+appearing fastidious we must say we much prefer Havannah tobacco.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Variety Artists' Federation has passed a resolution against the
+engagement of Germans in the profession. With yet another avenue of
+industry closed against him General LUDENDORFF is said to be contemplating
+a dignified retirement.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Should uglier husbands have heavier damages?" was a question raised in a
+recent divorce action. The better opinion is that the fact that the ugly
+man must have gone out of his way to get married should tell against him.
+
+       * * *
+
+Signs of Spring are everywhere. A couple of telephone mechanics have made
+their nest on the roof of a house in West Kensington.
+
+       * * *
+
+At Question-Time in the House there was trouble over the pronunciation of
+Bryngwran and Gwalchmai. One of the Welsh Members present said he could
+have played them if he had had his harp with him.
+
+       * * *
+
+Saturday afternoon funerals have been stopped at Bexhill. We are very
+pleased to note this, because if there is one thing which mars the
+enjoyment of the week-end it is being buried.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Hon. JOHN COLLIER will shortly explain why he painted the famous
+picture, "The Fallen Idol." If only some of our minor artists would be
+equally frank.
+
+       * * *
+
+A weekly paper is offering a prize to anybody who discovers the oldest
+living fish. It is just as well that no prize is offered for the oldest
+dead fish.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Large dumps of valuable material which is slowly rotting are to be met all
+along the main road in Northern France to-day," complains a morning paper.
+A responsible Government official now admits that whilst motoring in that
+district last week he noticed that the road was bumpy in places.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is some talk of the Americans having a League of Notions of their
+own.
+
+       * * *
+
+M. CHARLES NORDMANN states that the world will end in ten thousand million
+years. It will be interesting to see if America will refuse to take part in
+this as well.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our horticultural expert informs us that during the next two or three weeks
+all wooden houses should be carefully pruned.
+
+       * * *
+
+The rumour that Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY, M.P., will be asked to design a new
+uniform for the Royal Air Force is without foundation.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is feared that, owing to the sudden appearance of Summer weather last
+week, the POET LAUREATE will once again be obliged to hold over his Spring
+poem.
+
+       * * *
+
+It seems a pity that eight of the nine bricklayers who entered for the
+recent brick-laying contest should have collapsed, allowing the ninth an
+easy walk-over with seven bricks to his credit.
+
+       * * *
+
+Statistics show a remarkable increase in the Welsh birthrate as compared
+with previous years. As usual, nothing is being done about it.
+
+       * * *
+
+There are several ways, says Sir JAMES MACKENZIE, the eminent specialist,
+of tracing heart weakness. One way is to charge the owner of the heart
+seven-and-six for a pound of butter. If he faints he has a weak heart; if
+he pays he is merely weak in the head.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Bill has been introduced in the New York Legislature to confine the
+headlines in murder cases to thirty-six points. The limit for international
+headliners is still fourteen points.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Government, says a contemporary, is about to start growing tobacco in
+Norfolk. Whether it is to be sold as Coalition Mixture or Carlton Club has
+not yet been decided.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Royal Academy have issued a notice that frames other than gilt will be
+admissible this year. Many people, it is thought, who never felt attracted
+by the old-fashioned gilt frames will now visit the exhibition.
+
+       * * *
+
+An auctioneer's clerk has been summoned for throwing a bun at a railway
+buffet waitress. It was a thoughtless thing to do. He might have broken it.
+
+       * * *
+
+We have just heard of a Scottish engineer who has decided to strike out
+along novel lines. Although only twenty-two years of age he has arranged to
+settle down in Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Taxi-Driver_ (_who has been paid the correct fare_).
+"YOU'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING, GOV'NOR."
+
+_Fare._ "WHAT IS IT?"
+
+_Taxi-Driver._ "YOUR ADDRESS. I MIGHT WANT ANOTHER MASCOT SOME DAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a fashion-advertisement:--
+
+     "PARIS MOVES THE WAIST-LINE."
+
+     _American Paper._
+
+But it is believed that the young man's strong right arm will succeed in
+rediscovering it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SUMMER-TIME"
+
+(_with some moral reflections_).
+
+  To-day I left my downy lair
+    An hour before my wont;
+  But do I consequently wear
+    An unctuous smile? I don't.
+  If with the early lark's ascent
+    I soared from out my bed, it
+  Is to an Act of Parliament
+    That I must give the credit.
+
+  When I escape, in butter's dearth,
+    The fault of waxing fat,
+  Calmly I view my modest girth
+    And take no praise for that;
+  Not mine the glory when my soul
+    Abjures its ruling passion;
+  'Tis his, the lord of Food-control,
+    Who fixed my sugar-ration.
+
+  Hampered by regulations for
+    The chastisement of crime--
+  Arson and theft and marrying more
+    Than one wife at a time--
+  I like to feel some sins there be
+    For which the law can't hurt you,
+  In whose regard your heart is free
+    To follow vice or virtue.
+
+  Of one temptation I rejoice
+    Especially to think,
+  That leaves me loose to take my choice--
+    My reference is to DRINK;
+  Here, where as yet no rules apply
+    By Pussyfeet dictated,
+  The merit's mine whenever I
+    Am not inebriated.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERSONAL ELEMENT AT A MOTOR SHOW.
+
+Not to be outdone by Olympia we have just held a motor show in our
+provincial Town Hall. What though the motoring magazines, obese with the
+rich diet of advertisement, grew no fatter in its honour, it was at least
+the most successful social function we have known since the War began. The
+Town Hall externally was magnificent with flags by day and coloured lamps
+by night, and within was a blaze of bunting and greenstuff. The band of the
+Free Shepherds played popular music, and the luncheon and tea rooms were
+the scene of most delightful little gatherings. Besides all this, quite a
+number of cars were to be found amongst the decorations.
+
+Nearly every demobilised officer in the county seems to have taken up an
+agency for a car or two, and bought himself spats on the strength of a
+prospective fortune. Jimmy Wrigley and I are amongst them. Wrigley in the
+Great War was M.T., R.A.S.C., and knows so much about cars that he can tell
+the make of lamps from the track of the tyres; while I was a cavalryman and
+know so little that I judge Jimmy's cleverness only by other people's
+incredulity. On our stand at the show we exhibited two cars, which, as I
+carefully learned beforehand from the book of the words, were a Byng-Beatty
+and a Tanglefoot, these being the cars for which we are what they call
+concessionaires. (The _bât_ is tricky, but one picks it up loafing about
+garages.)
+
+As a rule Jimmy and I do the correspondence between us--Jimmy contributing
+the technique and I the punctuation; but for the three days of the show his
+cousin Sheila volunteered to preside at a dainty little table and make
+jottings of our orders. Sheila is always ornamental, and as we had the
+stand draped to tone with her hair, and she wore a dress which harmonized
+like soft music with the pale heliotrope of the Tanglefoot's body-work, our
+display was a magnet from the word "Go."
+
+And then on the morning of the opening day Jimmy went down with his Lake
+Doiran malaria and left me to it!
+
+I am as brave as most people, but this calamity unmanned me. "Sheila," I
+said to a pair of pitying grey eyes, as the crowd, having heard the show
+declared open, massed about our stand--"Sheila, the situation is desperate.
+These people will ask me about the cars. They will expect me to answer them
+intelligently, and it's no use in the world talking horse to them--I can
+see that from their sordid looks. I shall disappear. You can say I have
+gone out on a trial run, which won't be a lie, only an understatement. And
+you can just hand them out the little books and let them paw the varnish.
+Silence will be better than anything I could say. Probably it is better
+than what any conscientious man could say about the Tanglefoot."
+
+"I'll carry on, Nobby," said Sheila. "You go and buy buns for Miss
+Hurdlewing, and be happy. Fly! here's a purchaser."
+
+Sheila's whisper dispersed me into the crowd and I strolled away, while she
+bestowed a smile and a specification pamphlet on the first of the crowd to
+step on to our stand.
+
+I found it impossible to keep away for long. Sheila looked so well against
+the heliotrope Tanglefoot limousine that I had to go back to look at her.
+
+The stand was surrounded by a throng, hushed and breathless with interest.
+Sheila was talking volubly. Hardened motorists listened with their mouths
+open; zealots, feverish to expend their excess profits on motoring because
+it was a novelty and expensive, stood spell-bound; a rival agent drank in
+her words with tears in his eyes--tears for his old innocence--and his
+cheek flushed with a sudden and splendid determination to amalgamate with
+our firm.
+
+"This chassis, gentlemen," Sheila was saying, with a glance towards the
+Byng-Beatty, "has the most exclusive features. The torque-tube being fitted
+with an automatic lighter, it is possible to change tyres without leaving
+your seat; while by a simple adjustment of the universal joint the car will
+take any reasonable obstacle gracefully and without any inconvenience to
+the occupants. The clutch is of the Alabama type. This new pattern created
+a great sensation at Olympia, owing to the ease with which it permits even
+the amateur driver to convert the present body into a _char-à-banc_ or a
+tipping-waggon. The hood is reversible, so that passengers may be sheltered
+from the wind when the car runs backwards. In the rear of the boot,
+concealed by a door flush with the panels, is an EINSTEIN parachute, by
+means of which a passenger may leave the car before an imminent accident or
+when tired of the company."
+
+I could not move; I did not want to either; and I certainly dared not
+interrupt.
+
+"The Tanglefoot," continued Sheila, while a sigh of sheer rapture rose from
+the crowd, "is pre-eminently the car for a medical man or pushful
+undertaker. No horn is supplied, though this will be fitted if desired. The
+car is not cheap, but properly used will soon repay itself. Amongst the
+accessories supplied with the standard chassis I should like to call your
+attention to the collapsible game-bag and landing-net."
+
+This went on for a long, long time, and I stayed till a man in the crowd
+recognised me and showed symptoms of coming out of his trance. I fled, and
+returned only at the luncheon interval.
+
+"Sheila," I said--"Sheila, this may be fun for you, but James Wrigley and I
+may sing in the streets to pay for it."
+
+"You great stupid"--her eyes were sparking as she spoke--"I've booked more
+orders than you will be able to carry out before you've learned wisdom.
+Look!" It was practically a nominal roll of the local capitalists that she
+showed me. "Nobody believes what you say about a car, so you can say what
+you like. The thing is to get it noticed."
+
+"Did they study these cars much before they let you take their names?"
+
+Sheila looked into my eyes and laughed happily.
+
+W. K. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Eccentric Advertisers.
+
+     "Youth Wanted to Strike."
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DACHSWOLF.
+
+FRITZ (_doubtfully_). "GOOD DOG--IF YOU STILL _ARE_ A DOG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH, AUNTIE, 'ZYMOTIC' _IS_ A FUNNY WORD FOR YOU TO BE SO
+FOND OF."
+
+"MY DEAR CHILD, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
+
+"WELL, DADDY SAID YOU WERE VERY FOND OF THE LAST WORD, SO I LOOKED IT UP IN
+THE DICTIONARY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ABOUT BATHROOMS.
+
+Of all the beautiful things which are to be seen in shop windows perhaps
+the most beautiful are those luxurious baths in white enamel, hedged round
+with attachments and conveniences in burnished metal. Whenever I see one of
+them I stand and covet it for a long time. Yet even these super-baths fall
+far short of what a bath should be; and as for the perfect bathroom I
+question if anyone has even imagined it.
+
+The whole attitude of modern civilisation to the bathroom is wrong. Why,
+for one thing, is it always the smallest and barest room in the house? The
+Romans understood these things; we don't. I have never yet been in a
+bathroom which was big enough to do my exercises in without either breaking
+the light or barking my knuckles against a wall. It ought to be a _big_
+room and opulently furnished. There ought to be pictures in it, so that one
+could lie back and contemplate them--a picture of troops going up to the
+trenches, and another picture of a bus-queue standing in the rain, and
+another picture of a windy day with some snow in it. Then one would really
+enjoy one's baths.
+
+And there ought to be rich rugs in it and profound chairs; one would walk
+about in bare feet on the rich rugs while the bath was running; and one
+would sit in the profound chairs while drying the ears.
+
+The fact is, a bathroom ought to be equipped for comfort, like a
+drawing-room, a good, full, velvety room; and as things are it is solely
+equipped for singing. In the drawing-room, where we want to sing, we put so
+many curtains and carpets and things that most of us can't sing at all; and
+then we wonder that there is no music in England. Nothing is more maddening
+than to hear several men refusing to join in a simple chorus after dinner,
+when you know perfectly well that every one of them has been singing in a
+high tenor in his bath before dinner. We all know the reason, but we don't
+take the obvious remedy. The only thing to do is to take all the furniture
+out of the drawing-room and put it in the bathroom--all except the piano
+and a few cane chairs. Then we shouldn't have those terrible noises in the
+early morning, and in the evening everybody would be a singer. I suppose
+that is what they do in Wales.
+
+But if we cannot make the bathroom what it ought to be, the supreme and
+perfect shrine of the supreme moment of the day, the one spot in the house
+on which no expense or trouble is spared, we can at least bring the bath
+itself up to date. I don't now, as I did, lay much stress on having a bath
+with fifteen different taps. I once stayed in a house with a bath like
+that. There was a hot tap and a cold tap, and hot sea-water and cold
+sea-water, and PLUNGE and SPRAY and SHOWER and WAVE and FLOOD, and one or
+two more. To turn on the top tap you had to stand on a step-ladder, and
+they were all very highly polished. I was naturally excited by this, and an
+hour before it was time to dress for dinner I slunk upstairs and hurried
+into the bathroom and locked myself in and turned on all the taps at once.
+It was strangely disappointing. The sea-water was mythical. Many of the
+taps refused to function at the same time as any other, and the only two
+which were really effective were WAVE and FLOOD. WAVE shot out a thin jet
+of boiling water which caught me in the chest, and FLOOD filled the bath
+with cold water long before it could be identified and turned off.
+
+No, taps are not of the first importance, though, properly polished, they
+look well. But no bath is complete without one of those attractive bridges
+or trays where one puts the sponges and the soap. Conveniences like that
+are a direct stimulus to washing. The first time I met one I washed myself
+all over two or three times simply to make the most of knowing where the
+soap was. Now and then, in fact, in a sort of bravado I deliberately lost
+it, so as to be able to catch it again and put it back in full view on the
+tray. You can also rest your feet on the tray when you are washing them,
+and so avoid cramp.
+
+Again, I like a bathroom where there is an electric bell just above the
+bath, which you can ring with the big toe. This is for use when one has
+gone to sleep in the bath and the water has frozen, or when one has begun
+to commit suicide and thought better of it. Apart from these two occasions
+it can be used for Morsing instructions about breakfast to the
+cook--supposing you have a cook. And if you haven't a cook a little
+bell-ringing in the basement does no harm.
+
+But the most extraordinary thing about the modern bath is that there is no
+provision for shaving in it. Shaving in the bath I regard as the last word
+in systematic luxury. But in the ordinary bath it is very difficult. There
+is nowhere to put anything. There ought to be a kind of shaving tray
+attached to every bath, which you could swing in on a flexible arm,
+complete with mirror and soap and strop, new blades and shaving-papers and
+all the other confounded paraphernalia. Then, I think, shaving would be
+almost tolerable, and there wouldn't be so many of these horrible beards
+about.
+
+The same applies to smoking. It is incredible that to-day in the twentieth
+century there should be no recognised way of disposing of a cigarette-end
+in the bath. Personally I only smoke pipes in the bath, but it is
+impossible to find a place in which to deposit even a pipe so that it will
+not roll off into the water. But I have a brother-in-law who smokes cigars
+in the bath, a disgusting habit. I have often wondered where he hid the
+ends, and I find now that he has made a _cache_ of them in the gas-ring of
+the geyser. One day the ash will get into the burners and then the geyser
+will explode.
+
+Next door to the shaving and smoking tray should be the book-rest. I don't
+myself do much reading in the bath, but I have several sisters-in-law who
+keep on coming to stay, and they all do it. Few things make the leaves of a
+book stick together so easily as being dropped in a hot bath, so they had
+better have a book-rest; and if they go to sleep I shall set in motion my
+emergency waste mechanism, by which the bath can be emptied in malice from
+outside.
+
+Another of my inventions is the Progress Indicator. It works like the
+indicators outside lifts, which show where the lift is and what it is
+doing. My machine shows what stage the man inside has reached--the washing
+stage or the merely wallowing stage, or the drying stage, or the exercises
+stage. It shows you at a glance whether it is worth while to go back to bed
+or whether it is time to dig yourself in on the mat. The machine is
+specially suitable for hotels and large country houses where you can't find
+out by hammering on the door and asking, because nobody takes any notice.
+
+When you have properly fitted out the bathroom on these lines all that
+remains is to put the telephone in and have your meals there; or rather to
+have your meals there and not put the telephone in. It must still remain
+the one room where a man is safe from that.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "I SEE THE NEW CURATE HAS CALLED. WHAT IS HE
+LIKE, SMITHERS?"
+
+_Butler_ (_who had noticed that the Curate was dressed for golf_). "HE HAD
+THE APPEARANCE, MY LADY, OF BEING OUT OF 'OLY ORDERS FOR THE DAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATIONAL COAL.
+
+A great deal of nonsense is being talked about our coal-mines. I should
+like therefore to throw a little helpful light on the subject of
+nationalisation. Speaking as an owner and not as a miner (I have at the
+present moment at least six coals and a pound or two of assorted mineral
+rubbish), I want to consider some of the pros and cons of this debatable
+proposition. I take it, first of all, that we shall pay for our coal along
+with our taxes and in proportion to our income. This will come rather hard,
+of course, on the kind of people who insist on warming their rooms with
+three large electric vegetable marrows, or by means of a number of small
+skeletons pickled in gas. But such people will no doubt be able to claim
+rebates, and rebating is one of the most healthy and instructive of our
+British parlour games. Let us pass on, then, to the means of distribution.
+
+I greatly doubt whether under State organisation the practice of opening up
+those romantic and circular caverns in the middle of the pavement and
+suddenly filling our cellars with smoke, rain and thunder will be allowed
+to continue. Rather, I expect, at the moment when John Postman pushes the
+budget of bills through the slit in the front-door, William Coalman,
+walking along the roof, will be dropping a couple of Derby Brights, in the
+mode of Santa Claus, down the chimney. This will get over the basement
+trouble, and deliveries of course will occur frequently, if irregularly,
+throughout the day at such times as the Government consider them to be
+necessary for making up the fire.
+
+But whatever happens about deliveries the Inspector of Grates will be an
+infernal nuisance. Nothing makes a man more unpopular than interference in
+a quarrel between husband and wife, and I imagine that there will be many
+little suburban tragedies like the following:--
+
+     SCENE.--_A Kensington drawing-room._ Mr. _and_ Mrs. Smith _are
+     discovered shivering over the fire_.
+
+_Mr. Smith._ No, no. Not like that at all. You must break up that big lump
+first.
+
+_Mrs. Smith_ (_coldly_). This is the way my mother taught me to make up
+fires.
+
+_Mr. Smith._ Your mother! Ha!
+
+     [_Snatches the poker from her hand._
+
+_Mary_ (_entering_). The Coal Inspector has called.
+
+_Enter_ Coal Inspector.
+
+     _Taking the poker from_ Mr. Smith's _nerveless grasp, with three
+     vicious thrusts he assassinates the already moribund fire. They watch
+     him with faces of horror. As he turns to go they glance at each other,
+     and with a simultaneous impulse seize the tongs and shovel and strike
+     him with all their strength on the back of the head._
+
+Mr. Smith _rings the bell. Enter Mary._
+
+_Mr. Smith._ Please sweep that up.
+
+     [_She does so. He takes up the poker and resumes the altercation._
+
+But let us turn again to the brighter side of things. Nothing fills a
+house-holder with such deep pleasure as a legitimate grievance against the
+Government on minor counts, especially when such grievances are properly
+ventilated in the daily Press. Thus:--
+
+MORE GOVERNMENT CARELESSNESS.
+
+SPARK FALLS ON A HEARTHRUG AT CROYDON.
+
+Or
+
+PRIME MINISTER ENCOURAGES PNEUMONIA.
+
+FIRE GOES OUT AT PONDER'S END.
+
+These are specimens of the headlines we may confidently expect, and little
+forms like the following will be found in the more popular dailies:--
+
+     PROTEST TO YOUR M.P.
+
+     I protest against the continued refusal of my fire to burn up, for
+     which Government maladministration is responsible. I urge you to do
+     all in your power to see that a warm ruddy glow is cast continually
+     over my dining-room. The men, women and children of your constituency
+     will judge you at the next election by your action in this matter.
+
+And then there is the question of the miscellaneous material which is now
+being supplied in the name of coal, especially those large flat pieces of
+excellent slate. As things are now I often wonder that the miners don't
+make use of them for propaganda purposes. Chalked manifestoes such as--
+
+     We demand forty-four shillings more a ton, a five-hour week and
+     control of the mines
+
+would do much to convert the armchair critic as he digs about in the
+scuttle. When we get our coal from the State, however, we shall, of course,
+carefully set apart these sections of slate, wrap them in brown-paper and
+send them by parcel post to the nearest elementary school, with a note to
+say there must have been an inter-departmental error.
+
+From State coal too it will only be a step to State firewood, and we know
+from the papers what lots the Government has of that. Army huts, tables,
+bed-boards, trestles, aeroplanes, railway trucks--there is no end to it
+all. And underneath the firewood, of course, carefully packed, comes the
+daily newspaper itself. There can be little doubt that, once they have
+obtained a grip of coal and kindling-wood, the Government will proceed to
+nationalise the Press.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REDS AND DARK BLUES.
+
+     [Mr. R. H. TAWNEY and Mr. G. D. H. COLE, both Oxford Fellows,
+     represent academic intellectualism _in excelsis_ at the G.H.Q. of
+     Labour.]
+
+  Only a simpleton or sawney
+  Falls short in reverence for TAWNEY;
+  Only the man without a soul
+  Disputes the kingliness of COLE.
+
+  Labour, no longer gross and brawny,
+  Finds its true hierophant in TAWNEY;
+  And, freed from all save Guild Control,
+  Attains its apogee in COLE.
+
+  Proud Prelates in their vestments lawny
+  Quail at the heresies of TAWNEY;
+  And prostrate Dukes in anguish roll,
+  Scared by the scrutiny of COLE.
+
+  The Nabob quits his brandy-pawnee
+  To listen to the lore of TAWNEY;
+  The plain beer-drinker bans the bowl,
+  Weaned by the witchery of COLE.
+
+  Students however slack or yawny
+  Grow tense beneath the spell of TAWNEY;
+  Footballers score goal after goal,
+  Trained in the principles of COLE.
+
+  The shrimp grows positively prawny
+  On list'ning to the voice of TAWNEY;
+  While upward shoots the blindest mole
+  Beneath the airy tread of COLE.
+
+  There's something thrilling--Colleen-Bawny--
+  About the articles of TAWNEY;
+  And no one can so grandly toll
+  The knell of Capital as COLE.
+
+  As Cornwall rallied to TRELAWNY
+  So Labour rallies to its TAWNEY;
+  And miners find a "better 'ole"
+  Provided by the creed of COLE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Our evening congregations have more than doubled in two months. _Sans
+     Deo!_"
+
+     _Parish Magazine._
+
+We don't wonder that two foreign languages were required to veil this
+shocking observation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a feuilleton ("dramatic, kinema and all other rights secured"):--
+
+     "So he just shook hands all round, and took off his coat, and lit a
+     cigar, and laughed when Betty Cardon pointed out that he had put the
+     wrong end of it in his mouth."--_Daily Paper._
+
+This incident should "film" well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOULD AUTHORS PUBLISH THEIR OWN PORTRAITS?
+
+     [Mr. Punch herewith disclaims all intention of quoting the title of
+     any actual book.]
+
+[Illustration: "A LATTER-DAY LOTHARIO."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE YOUNG CHARMERS."]
+
+[Illustration: "MY LIFE-WORK IN THE
+SLUMS."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE WOMAN WITH A PURPLE PAST."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE LYRE OF LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "HALF-HOURS WITH BUNYAN."]
+
+[Illustration: "COURT LIFE FROM THE INSIDE."]
+
+[Illustration: "STAGE DEPORTMENT FOR AMATEURS."]
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT PHYSICAL CULTURE HAS
+DONE FOR ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+"MY DEAR MISS MONTEITH, COULDN'T YOU GIVE US A MORE APPROPRIATE EXPRESSION?
+DON'T FORGET YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STEPPING FROM THE TOP OF ONE SKY-SCRAPER
+TO ANOTHER, SO DO TRY AND LOOK JUST A LITTLE PEEVISH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASIDE ISSUES.
+
+"This summer," said Suzanne, "we must take the bull by the forelock."
+
+"Dearest wife," I cried, "at your age you must not dream of joining in such
+dangerous sports. Besides I don't think the summer is quite the season for
+Spain."
+
+"Who's talking about Spain? And what is this insinuation about my age? But
+a few short years have sped since you took me from the schoolroom----"
+
+"Where you _would_ mix up the proverbs in your copy-book. But let us get
+back to our starting-point; what exactly is it you meditate doing this
+summer--if any?"
+
+"Taking the children to the seaside, of course; and, as I said, we must
+make our arrangements well in advance, otherwise we shall get left, as we
+did last year, and have to put up with lodgings in Margate."
+
+"Have you any particular place in view?" I asked.
+
+"No. But it must have a nice sandy beach for Barbara, and must not be too
+bracing for Baby, and there must be one or two caves dotted about, and a
+snug little harbour with a dear old fisherman who can take you sailing,
+and--oh, and we'll bask on the shore all day and watch the ripples dancing
+in the sun----"
+
+"And hear the starfish calling to his mate," I extemporised.
+
+"And we'll live a life of freedom in a corner by ourselves," she continued
+with a disconcerting change of metre into which I could not hope to follow
+her. But her words gave me an idea.
+
+"I do believe," I said, "I know the exact spot you're pining for.
+To-morrow, something tells me, is Saturday. On Saturday I down tools at
+twelve. Meet me on the weighing-machine at Victoria Cross a quarter after
+noon and I will show you the place you seek."
+
+"The man's a marvel," said Suzanne. "What frocks shall I pack for the
+week-end?"
+
+"We return before nightfall," I replied.
+
+Next day I sought Suzanne at the appointed hour and station. She had taken
+my words literally and was steadfastly occupying the automatic weighing
+machine, with her back impassively turned upon an indignant youth who was
+itching to gamble a penny on the chance of guessing his avoirdupois.
+Quietly I crept behind her and placed a coin in the slot, simultaneously
+pressing my foot upon the platform. Suzanne gazed with mingled horror and
+fascination at the mounting indicator, and at sixteen stone jumped off with
+a gasp on to my disengaged foot. For a few moments I could have believed
+that the machine had recorded the truth.
+
+When we had both regained our composure Suzanne inquired if I had got the
+tickets. The moment for enlightenment had arrived.
+
+I led her to a hoarding and placed her in front of a poster which depicted
+a most alluring seaside resort. The sea was of the royalest blue, the sands
+were a rich 22-carat; there was a cave in the left foreground, a
+gaily-striped tent on the right, and a tiny harbour with yacht attached in
+the middle distance; and, with the exception of a lady escaped from a
+lingerie advertisement whom vandal hands had pasted on the scene, the sole
+occupants of this coastal Paradise were a gentleman in over-tailored
+flannels, red blazer and Guards' tie who was dancing a Bacchanale with a
+bath-towel, a small boy who was apparently fleeing from his parent's
+frenzy, and a smaller girl, mostly sun-bonnet, who was nursing a
+jelly-fish. Beneath the picture was the legend, "You Can Let Yourself Go at
+Giddyville."
+
+I looked anxiously at Suzanne as she surveyed this masterpiece.
+
+"Well," I said at last, "isn't that the place of your dreams? It's all
+practically as you described it last night, and you will observe that it's
+by no means overcrowded."
+
+"But what objectionable children!" said Suzanne. "I shouldn't at all care
+for Barbara to mix with them; and jelly-fish sting. Besides, that boat
+doesn't look at all safe, and the man's a bounder in every sense of the
+word. What's this other place?"
+
+I was disappointed, and considered Suzanne's criticism superficial in the
+extreme. The next pictures showed an emerald sea and pink shore, two piers,
+a flock of aeroplanes, and a structure that combined the characteristic
+features of the Eiffel Tower and the Albert Memorial. One suspected a herd
+of minstrels in the distance, but here again the beach was remarkably and
+invitingly uncongested. A solitary barefooted maiden communing with a
+crustacean rather caught my fancy, but it didn't need the angle of
+Suzanne's nose to tell me that "Puddlesey for Pleasure" was a wash-out;
+frankly, it was too good to believe that all the holiday-makers but one
+were content to patronise either the piers or the aeroplanes or the hidden
+attractions of the architectural outrage, and to leave the beach so
+desirably vacant.
+
+We passed over in eloquent silence a couple of lurid _affiches_ which
+declared that "Exhampton Is So Exhilarating" (a middle-aged person in
+side-whiskers and a purple bathing-suit attempting to drown his unfortunate
+wife), and that "Rooksea Will Restore the Roses" (a fragile young woman in
+a deck-chair being nourished out of a box of chocolates by a sentimental
+ass whose attire proclaimed him a member of the local concert party). The
+next scene to engage our attention was much more simple in its appeal and
+striking in its effect. The sea was neither so blatantly blue nor so
+vividly green as the other seas had been; the beach was but normally
+sandy-hued, and there was a delicious little fellow, clad in nothing much
+except seaweed, who was splashing himself with great seriousness in the
+middle of a shining pool. Again that amazing absence of the seaside crowd;
+but somehow or other this picture seemed to ring true. There were no piers
+or other "attractions," and to souls that shunned such delights the _aura_
+of the place was extremely sympathetic, A single glance sufficed to
+determine us both.
+
+"Quick!" said Suzanne with a catch in her breath. "What's the place
+called?"
+
+Alas! where the legend should have appeared was an ugly gap. The picture
+had been badly torn in its most vital part, and nothing was there to reveal
+the identity of that magic spot where that delightfully real and really
+delightful baby boy had been caught by the camera of the publicity agent.
+Hurriedly we sought the Inquiry Bureau, but no answer could be obtained to
+Suzanne's incoherent questionings. We have since written to various
+agencies, but in vain; nor, strangely enough, in spite of much searching,
+have we ever seen the poster exhibited anywhere else.
+
+Suzanne, however, who has not given up her sanguine interest in the sport
+of bull-baiting, is still intent on taking time by the horns and getting in
+before the rush. She has just compiled a list of "likely" places (selected
+for the most part because she likes the sound of their names), to which we
+are apparently to pay week-end visits of exploration. I have calculated
+that long before we come to the end of these expeditions the summer--if
+any--will be over. Whether we shall ever find the land of our hearts'
+desire is, as the bull himself said, a toss-up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shopman._ "AMMONIA? AY, I HAE AMMONIA, BUT THE STOPPER'S
+OOT AN' THE GUIDNESS GANE."
+
+_Customer._ "WELL, HAVE YOU BENZINE?"
+
+_Shopman._ "BENZINE? AY, I HAE BENZINE, BUT THE STOPPER'S IN AN' I CANNA
+GET IT OOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No More "Feed the Brute."
+
+     "The speaker advised the women not to go in for pastry politics, but
+     to be good suffragettes, working only for the benefit of their
+     sex."--_South African Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is now announced that the America Cup defender, as well as the
+     challenger, will be steered by an amateur helmsman, Mr. Charles Adams,
+     of Boston, having undertaken the duty."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We congratulate Mr. ADAMS on his impartiality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BULLDOG BREED.
+
+_Sportsman_ (_whose opponent has just achieved the hole in one_). "THIS FOR
+A HALF!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPRING SONG.
+
+     [A daily paper states that very few housewives will be able to indulge
+     in the luxury of Spring cleaning this year owing to the enormous
+     increase in the cost of materials and labour.]
+
+                        Sing!
+          I will make me a song about Spring;
+  I will write with delight of the brightness in store;
+  I will sing of a Spring never dreamed of before,
+  A Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,
+  A season of reason, a Spring without cleaning,
+  A Spring without painters, a Spring without pain,
+  A Spring that for once will not drive me insane.
+  I lift up my voice and rejoice at this thing,
+              This excellent Spring.
+
+                        Di
+          Will in all probability cry;
+  She will rave at the news and refuse with disgust;
+  She will say that she _must_ have a thrust at the dust;
+          But I know what I'm saying,
+            We've got to go slow;
+          We _can't_ go on paying--
+            Spring-cleaning must go.
+  It's the knell of the mop and the doom of the broom;
+  We cannot afford to do even one room;
+  If she wants her own way I shall say with a frown,
+  "It's too dear, and I fear, until prices come down,
+  We must try and deny ourselves this little thing."
+              Magnificent Spring!
+
+                        I'm
+          Going to have a delectable time;
+  Though in previous years I've been hustled about,
+  And they've driven me mad till I had to go out,
+  Without flurry or worry this year I shall stay
+  And know just where to look for my book ev'ry day;
+          It's the finest of schemes;
+            It's a blessing, a miracle;
+          Spring of my dreams,
+            I can't _help_ growing lyrical
+  Over this quite unbelievable thing--
+              Glorious Spring!
+
+                        This
+          Is a song of unqualified bliss;
+  I have never sung quite such a song in my life;
+  I have nothing but jeers for the tears of my wife;
+  She may moan, she may groan, she may weep and grow wild,
+  But the Spring shall remain undisturbed, undefiled,
+  Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,
+  Spring as it ought to be, Spring without cleaning;
+              Halcyon days!
+              Oh, let us raise
+  Shouts of thanksgiving and pæans of praise.
+  Join me, O men. Bound the world let it ring--
+            _Exquisite_ Spring!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The Town Clerk said that Kilkenny coal, or coal raised elsewhere in
+     Ireland, was uncontrollable."--_Irish Paper._
+
+Like most other things in that country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "CUSTOMERS IN LONDON.--Hardly creditable, yet true; we satisfy them;
+     let us satisfy you. ---- Laundry."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+On the contrary, we think it most creditable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OCCASIONAL COMRADES.
+
+MR. ASQUITH. "AS I WAS SAYING THE OTHER DAY, 'THERE ARE MANY ROADS WE CAN
+TRAVEL SIDE BY SIDE.' THIS IS ONE OF THEM."
+
+LABOUR. "AH! AND AS YOU WERE ALSO SAYING ON VARIOUS OTHER OCCASIONS--'WAIT
+AND SEE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IT IS UNDERSTOOD THAT MR. NEIL MACLEAN AND MR. DAN IRVING
+HAVE DECIDED TO BOYCOTT THE HAIR-CUTTING INDUSTRY PENDING ITS
+NATIONALISATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Addison Bird._ "BEAUTIFUL SPRING WEATHER, JOHN."
+
+_John Bullfinch._ "YES, MY DEAR. BUT YOU DON'T SERIOUSLY MEAN TO START
+BUILDING--WHAT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, March 22nd._--As if the condition of Ireland were not bad enough,
+Mr. CLEM EDWARDS sought to make our flesh creep by asking whether the
+Government had information that risings had been planned for Easter Monday,
+not only in that country but in Liverpool, Manchester and Glasgow as well.
+The PRIME MINISTER declined to answer the question, and was manifestly
+relieved when Mr. JACK JONES, with great tact, changed the subject by
+asking if a white blackbird had been caught that morning on Hackney
+Marshes.
+
+Lord WINTERTON and the other "Young Turks" were again inquisitive about the
+suppressed report of the alleged Greek outrages at Smyrna, until Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE put an end to the catechism with the remark that "Even Christians
+are entitled to a fair trial."
+
+Chafing under the accusation that the trade unions are largely responsible
+for preventing ex-Service men from obtaining employment the Labour Party
+pressed the PRIME MINISTER to produce his evidence. To-day they got it, in
+stacks. All the unions, in principle, are in favour of training disabled
+men, but in practice most of them require that a workman shall have worked
+at his craft for from three to six years before being admitted to their
+ranks. "You have fought for us, but you shall not work for us" is their
+attitude.
+
+On the Army Estimates Sir SAMUEL SCOTT pleaded for the formation of an
+Imperial General Staff. Even in peace-time there were plenty of problems to
+be solved. We should never be really at peace, moreover, so long as there
+were tribes on our frontiers who looked upon war as an amusement and a
+pastime, "as hon. Members look upon golf." Surely this is to underestimate
+the devotion of our earnest golfers. Judging by the condition of the links
+on Sunday I should say some of them look upon it as a religion.
+
+Mr. NEIL MACLEAN pretended not to understand why we wanted an army at all.
+Was not the last war "a war to end war"? But his main point--in which he
+will be surprised to find many quite respectable people agreeing with
+him--is that it should not be officered from one class. Mr. MACLEAN is not
+so revolutionary as he thinks himself. The most insurgent thing about him
+is his hair, and even that is not more rebellious than Mr. DAN IRVING'S.
+
+_Tuesday, March 23rd._--Lord PEEL was evidently surprised at the amount of
+opposition encountered by the Silver Coinage Bill. Having a specimen of the
+new shilling in his pocket he himself was feeling particularly bobbish, and
+could not understand the gloomy vaticinations of Lord BUCKMASTER and Lord
+SALISBURY as to what might happen in West Africa and elsewhere if we
+depreciated our currency. But his usual self-confidence so far deserted him
+that he confessed that he could not "answer for the whole of the British
+Empire at a moment's notice."
+
+The LORD CHANCELLOR refused to accept Lord BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH'S proposal
+to abolish the D.O.R.A. regulation forbidding the sale of confectionery in
+theatres, on the ground that it would be unfair to the ordinary shops to
+allow this competition, and that the business of the theatre was to supply
+drama not chocolate. Lord BALFOUR was unconvinced. His imagination boggled
+at the thought of a Scotsman, at any rate, paying for a seat in a theatre
+in order to purchase a shilling's worth of "sweeties."
+
+The House of Commons has a childlike sense of humour. There is nothing that
+it enjoys more than to have a Minister struggling with the pronunciation of
+some outlandish place-name. When, therefore, Mr. ILLINGWORTH, posed with
+the deficiencies of the mail service to Bryngwran and Gwalchmai, made a
+gallant but ineffectual effort to get over the first obstacle and evaded
+the second by calling it "the other place," Members roared with delighted
+laughter.
+
+In the further debate on the Army Estimates a good deal was said about the
+unfortunate events in Ireland. Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR had the grace to withdraw
+some of the unfortunate insinuations against the conduct of the British
+soldiers into which he had been betrayed the day before, but Messrs.
+KENWORTHY and MALONE repeated them with additions of their own, and
+incurred thereby a castigation from Mr. CHURCHILL which the House cordially
+approved.
+
+The Coal Mines (Emergency) Bill was read a third time. On behalf of the
+Labour Party, Mr. ADAMSON declared that the profits of the coal industry
+must be "pooled"--a proposition which would command general approval if
+there seemed any likelihood that consumers would receive a share of the
+pool.
+
+_Wednesday, March 24th._--Since DISRAELI startled a scientific meeting by
+declaring himself to be "on the side of the angels" there has been no more
+remarkable piece of self-revelation than Lord BIRKENHEAD'S defence of the
+Matrimonial Causes Bill. It was not so much his wealth of ecclesiastical
+lore or the impassioned appeal that he made for the victims of the present
+divorce law that impressed the Peers as the high line that he took in
+condemning the opponents of the measure. He as good as told the occupants
+of the Episcopal Bench that their view of marriage was lacking in
+spirituality. The Archbishop of CANTERBURY was so dumbfounded by the
+accusation that he meekly confessed himself unable to follow the LORD
+CHANCELLOR'S religious arguments. Lord SALISBURY displayed more pugnacity
+in a reassertion of views that had been described as "mediæval
+superstition." But the Peers preferred the Use of Birkenhead to the Use of
+Sarum, and gave the Bill a Second Reading by a two-to-one majority.
+
+In the course of the debate Lord BUCKMASTER expressed his regret that so
+effective an orator as the Archbishop of YORK should have deserted the Law
+for the Church. After this afternoon's display I could not help wondering
+what would have happened if "F. E.'s" call had been to the Church instead
+of the Bar, and whether a shovel-hat would not have suited him even better
+than a wig.
+
+Members who display a friendly interest in the revival of German trade were
+gratified to learn that the clock-manufacturers, at any rate, are taking
+time by the forelock and are already sending their goods to this country.
+So far are they, moreover, from cherishing animosity or desiring to magnify
+the Fatherland that they modestly label them "Westminster Chimes." It is
+pleasant to record that the Board of Trade, exhibiting the same spirit of
+self-abnegation, has insisted on substituting the time-honoured
+inscription, "Made in Germany."
+
+It is a mistake to suppose that there are no limits to the ambition of the
+GEDDES family. "I never wanted air-transport," said Sir ERIC this
+afternoon, and later on he expressly disclaimed the megalomania which had
+been attributed to him "by those best able to diagnose the disease." He is
+certainly coming on as a Parliamentary speaker, and gave an informing and,
+on the whole, hopeful account of the work of the railways in promoting
+reconstruction.
+
+_Thursday, March 25th._--The PRIME MINISTER was rather husky this
+afternoon. He had been having a strenuous time with the miners and possibly
+some of the coal-dust had got into his throat. But his spirit is unabated,
+and he flatly refused to withdraw his charge that the trade unions, by
+refusing to modify their regulations, are holding up the building industry.
+
+In connection with the proposal to raise the Tube fares, Mr. WILL THORNE
+inquired whether this would not mean an increase of two pounds a week in
+the expenditure of some families, and, on the figure being challenged, said
+that it was quite correct, for one of the families was his own. Members
+entered into rapid calculations on their Order Papers with the view of
+discovering how many olive-branches had sprung from this THORNE.
+
+After Mr. ASQUITH'S "prave 'orts" at the National Liberal Club the mildness
+of his criticism upon the Government's foreign policy sadly disappointed
+his more ardent supporters. His only concrete suggestion was that we should
+surrender our mandate for Mesopotamia and retire to the coast, and this did
+not meet with much approval.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The POSTMASTER-GENERAL, Mr. ILLINGWORTH_ (_after some
+unsuccessful attempts to ring up the PRIME MINISTER for particulars about
+the pronunciation of Gwalchmai_). "AH WELL, IF I CAN'T GET ON TO DAVID
+WITHIN THE NEXT HALF-HOUR I MUST CONTENT MYSELF WITH CALLING IT 'THE OTHER
+PLACE.'" [_Does so._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RIGHT REVEREND THE LORD BISHOP OF BIRKENHEAD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIARUBBER BLOKE.
+
+The train ran into Victoria Station and pandemonium.
+
+A struggling mass of people trying to get out, another mass trying to get
+in; everybody pushing and muttering, grunting and groaning; and above all
+the howling of the Specially Selected Band of Hustlers in their now famous
+and unpopular performance:--
+
+"'Urry up off the car, please. WAIT till they're all off. Move right down
+the centre, please. Wot are you doin' there? Come orf it if you're comin'
+orf. Get a move on, please. 'Urry up on board. Come on there. RIGHT
+BEHIND."
+
+A siren shrilled and we were moving again.
+
+"Can't you set the kid down, Mother?" said a voice. "You can't carry her
+like that. Be quiet, 'Enry, will you."
+
+I managed to struggle out of my seat.
+
+"Thank you, Sir," said the man. "Sit down, Em'ly. That's better. Now you
+can 'old the kid. Shut up, 'Enry, will you?"
+
+I looked for Henry and found him wedged in a forest of legs.
+
+"I think he's afraid of being trodden on," I said.
+
+We managed, with some effort, to extract the child and make him a little
+more comfortable. His father turned with a sigh of relief to me.
+
+"Awful business travellin' with kids nowadays, ain't it?" he said.
+
+"I can quite believe it," I said.
+
+"Bad enough anywhere," he went on, "but on this line--well--and they stick
+up placards tellin' you to be patient. Patient! With a wife and two kids,
+and them young jackanapes at Victoria a-howling at you all the time. If
+there's one thing I 'ate it's bein' 'ustled." He laughed resentfully.
+"'Come on, get a move on.' 'Jump to it!' Shoutin' and howlin' till you
+don't know whether you're gettin' on or gettin' orf. Anybody'd think we was
+a lot of blinkin' animals."
+
+Something clicked inside my head (I hesitate to suggest what) and the
+carriage and the swaying people went out of focus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a little squad of soldiers piling arms.
+
+"Stand clear," said the subaltern in charge.
+
+"Stand at--ease. Stand easy. Carry on, Sergeant."
+
+The P.T. Instructor came forward.
+
+"Now, lads," he said briskly, "take off your equipment and your tunics and
+puttees and roll up your sleeves. And while you're doin' it listen to your
+Uncle Brown, who's goin' to give things away.
+
+"I 'aven't took any of you lads before--(come along there, my son; we ain't
+syncopatin' the movements)--but I'm told you're all B.E.F. men. Well then,
+I expect you think you know something. So you do. You know what a Jerry
+looks like and what a Whizzbang sounds like. But that ain't much. You don't
+know me. 'Ave a good look at me. You'll 'ear what I _sound_ like in a
+minute."
+
+He paused for effect and breath.
+
+"Now you 'ave 'ad a look at me you'll know me. Not the Apollo Belgravia,
+but just plain Brown--Mrs. Brown's old man--that's me; and thank 'Eaven
+it's 'im you've got to deal with and not Mr. Brown's old woman. Now we'll
+get to work, lads, and 'ustle's the word."
+
+He moved away a few paces.
+
+"When I say 'Round me nip,'" he shouted, "I want to see a cloud of dust and
+a livin' statue. Round me--NIP!"
+
+There was boxing.
+
+"'It 'im," yelled Brown; "you ain't doin' a foxtrot! Bite 'is ear orf! Make
+'is nose bleed!"
+
+Their noses bled.
+
+There were bayonet charges on stuffed sacks.
+
+"Kick 'em," roared Brown, leaping round like a dervish; "make faces at 'em!
+I want to see ye getting uglier every minute."
+
+They grew uglier.
+
+Half-an-hour later the squad, limp and perspiring, lay down for a rest.
+
+"Well, you've not done too bad," said Brown; "you're all breathin', anyway.
+Get dressed now, and don't be 'alf-an-hour at it. Don't forget, my lads,
+'ustle's the word what makes such men as me--and you too by the time I've
+finished with you. I'll make it a bit stiffer to-morrow."
+
+He strolled off.
+
+A voice arose from the squad:--
+
+"Anybody'd think we was a lot of blinkin' animals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I came back suddenly to the carriage and the crush.
+
+"So you've altered your ideas about hustling?" I said.
+
+"Altered them? Why?"
+
+"Well," I said, "I can remember a day when Mrs. Brown's old man----"
+
+"Why, Sir, you mean to say----"
+
+"I do," I said.
+
+And after a time:--
+
+"Well, good-bye, Sergeant. Awfully glad to have seen you again, and to know
+you don't like being hustled any more than we did."
+
+He laughed.
+
+"One for you, Sir," he said. "But after all you was carrying a rifle, not a
+bloomin' baby."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman._ "IS THAT YOUR BABY?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "NO, SIR, IT AIN'T OURN. WE AIN'T 'AD NONE SINCE ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Cool Reception.
+
+     "VISIT OF 10 WESLEYAN MINISTERS.
+
+     ---- Wesleyan Church.
+
+     'Is happiness possible to-day?'"
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Nursery Governess to go to Jamaica early May; two boys ages seven and
+     four; one able to give first lessons and music."--_Times._
+
+Then why can't he teach the other?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY.
+
+     Exceptional Purchase of ---- Cigars. Weight about 1-1/2 lbs. Length 5
+     inches."
+
+     _Advt. in Evening Paper._
+
+But only suitable, we should imagine, for very heavy smokers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Ex-Government Bedside Tables, make Boat Cupboards, Safes, Bookcases,
+     Wash-stands, etc., not large enough to live in."
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+Not a solution of the housing problem after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Head of the House._ "DON'T THINK I'M COMPLAINING, EMMA. I
+KNOW I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY NEW CLOTHES, AND DON'T IN THE LEAST OBJECT TO
+HAVING WILFRID'S TROUSERS CUT DOWN TO FIT ME; BUT THE BAG OF THE KNEE MAKES
+THEM FALL SO AWKWARD AT THE ANKLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCREEN _v._ STAGE.
+
+     [According to Mr. W. G. FAULKNER, who has recently interviewed CHARLIE
+     CHAPLIN at Los Angeles, the great film comedian chiefly reads serious
+     books on philosophy and social problems, being specially interested in
+     the prices of food and clothing. Romantic novels have no attraction
+     for him, and it is nonsense to say that he ever hoped to play
+     _Hamlet_, for "he does not like Shakespeare, whose works neither
+     entertain nor interest him."]
+
+  There is bitter grief at Stratford, on the silver Avon's marge,
+  Where the cult of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE is extremely fine and large,
+  For across the broad Atlantic comes the petrifying news
+  That the greatest film comedian does not care for WILLIAM'S Muse.
+
+  Serious problems--economics and the price of margarine--
+  Occupy the hours of leisure that he snatches from the screen;
+  But the works of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE he dismisses as inane,
+  And he harbours no ambition to enact the princely Dane.
+
+  This momentous revelation, little birds reveal to me,
+  Has produced a spasm of anguish in the heart of SIDNEY LEE;
+  Wails arise from HENRY AINLEY, BENSON, LANG and MOSCOVITCH,
+  Though so far no word of protest emanates from LITTLE TICH.
+
+  Still, by way of compensation for this ruthless turning down
+  Of the chief Elizabethan by a neo-Georgian clown,
+  'Tis averred that STOLL (Sir OSWALD), in a life of storm and stress,
+  Finds distraction from his labours in the works of WILLIAM S.
+
+  In this context I may notice that the "consequential" KEYNES
+  From an economic survey of the cinema abstains;
+  But this curious lacuna does not prove that he has missed
+  CHARLIE CHAPLIN'S true importance as a sociologist.
+
+  All the same, good Viscount MORLEY is, we are prepared to state,
+  Unaware of the existence of the peerless HARRY TATE;
+  And the name of MARY PICKFORD doesn't palpably convey
+  Any sort of connotation to the mind of Viscount GREY.
+
+  This is much to be regretted, but I'm not without the hope
+  That our publicists and statesmen may enlarge their mental scope
+  By frequenting entertainments where the pleased spectators rock
+  At the antics of GEORGE ROBEY or the drolleries of GROCK.
+
+  So, conversely, CHARLIE CHAPLIN, in a later, mellower phase,
+  May attain to the enjoyment of Elizabethan plays,
+  And, when economic problems on his jaded palate pall,
+  Recognise that there is something in our WILLIAM after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a lover's letter, read recently in court:--
+
+     "I see those self-same eyes, which are my own love's, looking at each
+     other with all that tenderness with which they once looked into
+     mine."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+It would appear that the object of his affections suffered from some
+obliquity of vision.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR "DUMB" PETS BUREAU.
+
+AS ONE OF FAMILY--CAT (lady), elderly; would give slight services (mousing,
+etc.) in return for comfortable home. No dogs. Highest refs. Strictest
+confidence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARROT seeks sit. with refined conversationalists. Eighty years in last
+place. Cause of leaving, death of owner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RABBIT.--Quiet, domesticated, with family of nine, wishes to find home with
+vegetarians. Sleep out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOG, young, seeks home in cheerful family. Well-bred society. Children not
+objected to. Liberal table and good outings necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PONY, no longer young, quiet tastes, is seeking post with family where
+motor is kept.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOW, eleven encumbrances, wishes to board with Jewish family. Liberal
+table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONELY goldfish would like to meet with another similarly situated. View to
+partnership.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DONKEY, at present in seaside town, wishes post inland during holiday
+months. Suitable for bed-ridden invalid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANARY, powerful notes, enthusiastic singer, seeks board-residence with
+musical family.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOMES FROM HOME--CUCKOOS coming England in April desire addresses of
+well-appointed nests for depositing eggs. Personally investigated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AU PAIR--ROBIN, having maisonette larger than he requires (flower-pot),
+would like to find another to share it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKEREL, early riser, smart, good appearance, seeks sit. in country house.
+Preference for one with home-farm immediately adjacent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PET LAMB, the property of butcher's daughter, desires home with humane
+gentlewomen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPANIEL, field, rather stout but pleasing appearance, is giving up country
+pursuits owing to difference with game-keeper. Would join lady in carriage
+drives and meals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEKINESE, noble birth, would go as companion in Ducal family living in good
+neighbourhood. Carriage. No knowledge of Chinese required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I'M LOOKING FOR MY MOTHER. HAS SHE BEEN IN HERE? I KNOW SHE
+WENT TO BUY A CHICKEN, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE HER CHICKEN BUTCHER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"EXPORT SECTION.
+
+     SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES AND OTHER PROBLEMS."
+
+     _Canadian Gazette._
+
+But we understand that the late President of the Board of Trade is no
+longer a problem. The last thing he did before leaving office was to issue
+a licence for his own exportation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Soldier Ants of New Zealand.
+
+     "Details of the distribution of the payments to soldiers' wives in
+     lieu of separation allowances have not yet been finally approved, but
+     the amount is to be made up to 3s. a day. Sir James Allen told a Post
+     reporter this morning; in reply ants and 2nd lieutenants would share
+     in the distribution."
+
+     _New Zealand Paper._
+
+     "The Defence Minister was asked by Mr. G. Witty if he would extend the
+     payment of gratuities on behalf of deceased soldiers to sisters and
+     cousins when the soldier had made a will to that effect."--_Same
+     paper, later._
+
+The reason why Mr. WITTY'S solicitude was limited to the sisters and
+cousins evidently was that the ants had been already provided for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Sir Oliver's personality is like that of one of the prophets of old.
+     Venerable, white of beard and what scanty locks of hair remain, a
+     dome-like head, over six feet in height."
+
+     _Boston Herald._
+
+This must be the result of the American atmosphere, as we are quite certain
+that the last time we saw Sir OLIVER his head was not an inch over three
+feet in height.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEMOBBED.
+
+INDIA, 1920.
+
+  "I'm goin' home," said Hennessey, "for I've been East too long;
+  I want the English hedges an' fields an' the English thrush's song,
+  An' the honest English faces an' never nobody black;
+  It's home for mine," said Hennessey, "so it's down your tents and pack.
+        It'll pass out here
+        For a month or a year,
+      But not for a lifetime--no dam fear.
+  I want my folks," said Hennessey, "an' I'm jolly well goin' back."
+  But _I_ said, "Home's gone different an' I've somehow lost the touch,
+  An' nobody's written for fifty years, so _they_'re not worryin' much;
+  An' I like it here; I love it." Says Hennessey, "Well, I'm shot!
+  Would ye die an' be buried in India?" "Well, Natty," says I, "why not?"
+
+  "East Africa, then," said Hennessey; "it's a promisin' place is that--
+  Money to make an' jobs galore, easy an' rich an' fat;
+  An' think of the ridin' an' shootin' an' the camp an' the trekkin' too;
+  _You_'ve no ties," said Hennessey; "it's the place for a chap like you.
+        There's a grand career
+        For a pioneer,
+      Which is more than ever you'll see out here.
+  East Africa's it," said Hennessey, "if the half they say is true."
+  But _I_ said, "Blow East Africa an' slavin' yourself all day;
+  I'm an idle man--bone idle--with a little bit saved away,
+  An' I like them palm-tree beaches an' the warm blue sunlit sea;
+  East India, yes, an' welcome, but East Africa--no, not me."
+
+  "Well, Palestine," said Hennessey; but I cut him short and sweet,
+  An' "Natty," I said, "I've heard it all an' I don't want to repeat--
+  Jerusalem or Mombasa, Tahiti or Timbuctoo,
+  Or careers an' pioneerin' an' the rest of it all--nah poo!
+        It's no good, Nat,
+        For I tell you flat
+      I've cottoned to India an' that's just that;
+  _Bus hogeva_; all done--finish; I'm here till the trees turn blue,
+  For I love them early mornings, shiny an' clear an' grey,
+  An' I love the cool o' the evening when the temple drummers play,
+  An' the long, long, lazy afternoons, when the whole creation sleeps--
+  Quit it? Old man, I couldn't; I'm India's now for keeps.
+
+  "So Hennessey, you go home," I says, "an' see to the wife an' kid."
+  "You'll follow me there one day," says he, an' I says, "Heaven forbid!
+  I'll just be goin' about an' about an' keepin' an open mind
+  An' sometimes doin' a job o' work, but not if I'm not inclined;
+        An' I won't care
+        If I'm here or there,
+      Jungle or forest or feast or fair;
+  I'll take it all as it comes along, as the Maker o' things designed;
+  I'll tramp it North to the Kashmir hills an' South to the Nilgiris;
+  I'll find my friends as I find my fun--and that's where I dam well
+            please;
+  An' never no _saman_ or houses or taxes or servants to send things
+            wrong."
+  "It wouldn't suit me," said Hennessey. "It wouldn't," says I. "So long!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACTRESS.
+
+You are doubtless aware that in the successful musical comedy, _The Girl of
+Forty-Seven_, there is a scene in which Miss Verbena Vaine, as
+_Clementina_, the horse-dealer's beautiful daughter, denounces the
+disreputable old veterinary surgeon, _Binnett_, so whimsically played by
+that ripe comedian, Mr. Sid Apps.
+
+On my first visit to the play many weeks ago an incident occurred which
+both enhanced Mr. Apps's reputation for spontaneous humour and highly
+diverted the audience.
+
+It will be remembered that at the climax of her outburst, _Clementina_,
+with eyes ablaze and voice vibrating with passion, hisses, "Loathsome
+scoundrel, how I detest and despise you!" On the evening to which I refer a
+mock-submissive look came into Apps's face when these words were spoken,
+and he interrupted gently, "Not too much soda, Verbena," glancing with
+mischievous curiosity to see how she would take his humorous comment upon
+her emphatic utterance of this line of many sibilants.
+
+The audience was greatly delighted by this effect. Miss Vaine failed
+completely to maintain the _rôle_ of the indignant beauty and turned her
+back to the footlights to hide her face, though her laughter was betrayed
+by the shaking of her handsome shoulders. There was a pause of some moments
+before she resumed, "My father shall know of this," and so forth.
+
+Last week, when Doris, my niece, chose that I should take her to see _The
+Girl of Forty-Seven_, I was not unwilling again to enjoy Apps's humour. I
+listened with especial care as we approached the scene in the play to which
+I have referred. Perhaps he would employ some still more successful gag. At
+last came _Clementina's_ outburst. "Loathsome scoundrel, how I detest and
+despise you!" she exclaimed with vehemence. "Not too much soda, Verbena,"
+replied the comedian gently, with a mischievous glance of curiosity. The
+actress gave a look of amazement, then quickly turned her back to the
+audience, where she stood for some moments with her face in her hands and
+her shoulders shaking, the audience laughing aloud with delight. The action
+of the play was delayed for some moments before Miss Verbena Vaine resumed
+her part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Sinecure.
+
+     "Wanted, Housemaid, £45, for three in family, three maids; no
+     children; good room; all time off usual."--_Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Domestic Problem.
+
+     "----'s Registry have ladies waiting here daily, 2 to 4.30, for all
+     kinds of maids (with or without experience)."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+We don't doubt it for a moment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Councillor ----: Can we afford to allow the town to be in real
+     jeopardy every hour?
+
+     The Chairman (to the Brigade Captain): Did you have to take the horses
+     away from a funeral the other day, when there was a call?
+
+     Brigade Captain: We had to wait until the funeral party got back."
+
+     _Local Paper._
+
+  "Where are the gees of the Old Brigade?"
+  "Gone to a funeral, Sir," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUNT STEEPLECHASE.
+
+_Voice from the Crowd_ (_to sportsman whose horse has refused the brook_).
+"NOW THEN, GUVNOR, WHAT YER AFRAID OF?--SPOILING THE FISHING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Countless readers, fusionists and others, will be glad to have Mr. HAROLD
+SPENDER'S sparkling abstract of the more romantic passages in the life of
+_The Prime Minister_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). The first half of the book
+describes the upbringing and early battles of this man of peace, Rose
+Cottage at Llanystumdwy with "Uncle Lloyd"--there is a touching picture of
+the courage, wisdom and unselfishness of this grand old man--the little
+attorney's office at Portmadoc, squire- and parson-baiting _passim_,
+capture of Carnarvon Boroughs, guerilla tactics in the House, suspension,
+recognition, pacifism, office, original budgeting, Limehousing (very
+reticently indicated), social reform. Then War and the supreme opportunity
+for the energy, persuasiveness, adroitness and determination which must
+extort even from opponents the tribute of admiration. Not a dull page;
+occasionally an obscure one. None of your cold and calculated criticism for
+Mr. SPENDER. Have idols clay feet? Well, not this one, thank you. And it
+is an attitude which enables him to convey to the reader something of the
+irresistible personal magnetism of his distinguished friend, and the
+courage which delights in riding the storm and is at its best in the tight
+corner (one might suspect the PREMIER of holding the view that if there
+were no tight corners it would be necessary to invent them). The summary of
+the War period is admirably done. The history of events leading to the
+formation of the second Coalition Government--and the third--is again
+tactfully presented. It would be unreasonable to suppose that all of Mr.
+SPENDER'S verdicts and estimates will be unchallenged by historians. But it
+is unlikely that the PREMIER will find a more competent hagiographer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A story that so far violates the conventions as to start with a mother
+whose moral instability is a worry to her children, and a hero who longs to
+be a practical builder despite a parental command to follow art--such a
+tale can at least claim the merit of originality. Mr. J. D. BERESFORD would
+be fully justified in claiming this and much more for _An Imperfect Mother_
+(COLLINS). Here is an interesting, fascinating and certainly unusual story,
+in which only two characters are of any real moment, _Cecilia_, the
+imperfect mother, embodiment of the artist temperament, egotistical almost
+to inhumanity, who abandons her dull husband and boring daughters to "live
+her own life"; and _Stephen_, the son, who alone can give her a
+half-sympathetic, half-resentful understanding. You see already the
+cleverness of Mr. BERESFORD'S conception. Really, it is just this that
+works (at least for me) its undoing. His characters are fashioned with the
+nicest ingenuity; the positions into which he so dextrously manipulates
+them compel your interest and delighted wonder; but never once do they
+touch your emotions, and never once can you see them as anything but the
+creations of a highly talented brain. This is the more strange because Mr.
+BERESFORD'S people are as a rule so convincingly real. Perhaps to some
+degree the effect of artifice is due to the author's exclusive
+preoccupation with his central character. _Cecilia's_ husband, her
+daughters, the home of her early married life, are shown to us only by the
+light of her flashing personality; this withdrawn, they simply cease to
+exist. On the whole, therefore, I should call _An Imperfect Mother_ a
+highly entertaining example of pure intellect, admirable but uninspired,
+which for my own part I enjoyed amazingly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Though "E. H. ANSTRUTHER" (Mrs. J. C. SQUIRE) has called her latest story
+_The Husband_ (LANE) one can hardly resist the feeling that this is rather
+a generous description of the central character, who indulged in so much
+philandering with one person or another that it is difficult to regard him
+as more than a husband in, so to speak, his spare time. _Richard
+Dennithorne_, I must believe, was a "ladies' man" in two senses, since he
+is undeniably a very womanly conception of the all-conquering male, with
+indeed more than a little of _Mr. Rochester_ in his composition. The story
+tells how _Penelope_, the heroine, comes to live with her adopted aunt
+_Margery_, of whom _Richard_ was the spouse (intermittent); how _Richard_,
+at the moment absent upon amorous affairs, returned, and so fascinated
+_Penelope_ with his masterful ways that she fled to London; how, almost
+immediately after, she stultified her precautions, but saved the plot, by
+becoming _Richard's_ secretary at his office in that city; and how,
+finally, poor _Margery_ (who throughout monopolised my sympathy), having
+generously expired, _Penelope_ and the ex-husband fell into each other's
+arms. Of course there is a lot more than this really, so don't think that I
+have spoilt the fun for you. As for the quality of the tale, this, I fancy,
+may be better appreciated by women than men, since, as I have hinted, its
+outlook is so essentially feminine. Mrs. SQUIRE writes with sincerity and
+brings her characters to life. She needs, however, to remember that words
+unwatched are dangerous. Such slipshod phrasing as "_young_ muscular
+_youth_" must grieve the judicious, while the effect of the sentimental
+interview on p. 99 was simply ruined for me through the unfortunate
+suggestion conveyed by "her blood rose _in a boil_ to her face." The
+italics are mine, but the proof-reading is (or should have been) the
+author's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Miser's Money_ (HEINEMANN) brings Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS back to Devonshire,
+and I wave my little flag to welcome him. Of late he has sometimes been a
+shade too didactic for my liking, but here he gives us yet another plain
+tale of his beloved moor, and he is instructive only in showing the danger
+of too much money--a danger at which most of us can in these days afford to
+smile. The _Mortimers_ were, one would have supposed, a clan unlikely to be
+moved from their native soil by anything less convulsive than an
+earthquake. But money did it. One of them was a miser, and when he
+died--after a terrific gorge at his brother's expense--he left trouble
+behind him. Some of his relations wanted more of his money than was good
+for their souls, and one of them (actually) fought shy of receiving her
+proper share. Altogether a pretty tangle, which was not unravelled until
+the _Mortimers_ had resolved to try new pastures. True, they did not go
+very far, but the disturbing influence of money is sufficiently illustrated
+by the fact that it induced such deeply-rooted folk to move at all. If the
+theme of this story is a little sordid it is relieved by its treatment from
+any reproach, and faithful followers of the PHILLPOTTS' trail will enjoy
+every word of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All that we ever hoped--some day, when the War was over--to hear about
+those most fascinating mysteries, the Tanks, has been put together by Major
+C. and Mr. A. WILLIAMS-ELLIS, under the title _The Tank Corps_ (_Country
+Life_ Offices). Here are genuine uncamouflaged pictures of all kinds of
+tanks, with detailed maps and descriptions showing their operations, as
+well as stories not only of those that walked in orthodox fashion through
+enemy villages "with the British army cheering behind," but of others that
+disappeared entire in mud, or drove themselves unaided back to our lines
+when too full of gas to be occupied, or scrunched up batteries of
+field-guns, or cruised alone for hours, like the famous one called Musical
+Box, among the enemy's communications, or crossed vast trenches over
+bundles of faggots carried upon their backs. Every boy of the right kind
+who inherits the proper zeal for mechanisms will certainly find in this
+book the most absorbing of yarns. Not that the subject is treated in the
+least lightly or frivolously, but, since the barest truth is here
+incredible romance, the authors, soberly collecting materials from
+despatches, diaries and so on, as well as drawing on their own obvious
+first-hand knowledge, have achieved a fairy-tale of mechanics. That the
+crews were no less wonderful than their machines we knew before, but the
+writers' modest yet illuminating account of the difficulties under which
+they worked is none the less welcome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you decide to go on _Circuits_ (METHUEN) with Mr. PHILIP CAMBORNE you
+will find him an interesting and informing companion. His hero and heroine
+are a Wesleyan minister and his wife, so completely out of tune with the
+usual heroes of contemporary fiction that they are actually shameless
+enough to be in love with one another from the first page to the last.
+Though he shows a remarkable insight into the lives of Wesleyan ministers,
+Mr. CAMBORNE declines the popular methods of sectarian fiction and refrains
+from any attempt to proselytize. Instead we are simply given a clear and
+often amusing account of what _Mark Frazer_ had to put up with in his
+wanderings from circuit to circuit. Mr. CAMBORNE is modern in confining
+himself to the history of a single family, but in outlook he belongs to a
+past century. And I mean that for a compliment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORICAL SCENE.--ROMULUS HEARS FROM HIS
+CONTRACTOR THAT ROME CANNOT BE BUILT IN A DAY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Motto for the Wee Frees when attempting to conciliate the Labour Party:
+Lib. and let Lab.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158,  March 31, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22725-8.txt or 22725-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/7/2/22725/
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/22725-8.zip b/22725-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5ca4fd4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-8.zip
diff --git a/22725-h.zip b/22725-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8d8bad0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h.zip
diff --git a/22725-h/22725-h.htm b/22725-h/22725-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d9b5664
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/22725-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,3007 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 31, 1920.</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
+<style type="text/css">
+  <!--
+  body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+  p                    {text-align: justify;}
+  blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+  h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+  pre                  {font-size: 0.7em;}
+  .sc                  {font-variant: small-caps;}
+  .center              {text-align: center;}
+
+  hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+  html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+  hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+  html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+  hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+  .note, .footnote     {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+
+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+.poem p.i12 {
+	margin-left: 6em
+}
+.poem p.i18 {
+	margin-left: 9em
+}
+  .drama               {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .drama p             {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;}
+  .drama p.i2          {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;}
+  .drama p.i4          {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;}
+  .drama p.i6          {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;}
+  .drama p.i8          {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;}
+  .drama p.i10         {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right;}
+  .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+td {
+    font-size: 0.9em;
+	text-align: center;
+	padding: 1em;
+}
+
+td.left {
+    font-size: 0.9em;
+	text-align: left;
+	padding: 1em;
+}
+  p.author {text-align: right;}
+  -->
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, 
+March 31, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,  March 31, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2007 [EBook #22725]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 158.</h2>
+
+<h2>March 31, 1920.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>We were glad to see that two of our
+most important Universities were again
+successful in obtaining first and second
+places in this year's boat-race. (As
+this was written before the race we
+crave the indulgence of our readers if
+our prophecy should prove incorrect.)</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Bradford Corporation is selling white
+collars to its citizens at sixpence a-piece.
+How the Labour Party proposes to
+combat this subtle form of capitalist
+propaganda is not known.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"I have been knocked down twice
+by the same bus, but fortunately have
+sustained no serious injury," stated a
+plaintiff at a London
+police-court the other day.
+The bus in question, we
+understand, will be given
+one more try, and in the
+event of failure will be debarred
+from all further
+contests of the same nature.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Quite a lot of American
+bacon is being smoked
+in London," says a news
+item. We are glad they
+have found a use for it,
+but at the risk of appearing
+fastidious we must say
+we much prefer Havannah
+tobacco.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Variety Artists'
+Federation has passed a
+resolution against the engagement
+of Germans in
+the profession. With yet
+another avenue of industry
+closed against him General <span class="sc">Ludendorff</span>
+is said to be contemplating a
+dignified retirement.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Should uglier husbands have heavier
+damages?" was a question raised in
+a recent divorce action. The better
+opinion is that the fact that the ugly
+man must have gone out of his way to
+get married should tell against him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Signs of Spring are everywhere. A
+couple of telephone mechanics have
+made their nest on the roof of a house
+in West Kensington.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At Question-Time in the House there
+was trouble over the pronunciation of
+Bryngwran and Gwalchmai. One of the
+Welsh Members present said he could
+have played them if he had had his
+harp with him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Saturday afternoon funerals have
+been stopped at Bexhill. We are very
+pleased to note this, because if there is
+one thing which mars the enjoyment
+of the week-end it is being buried.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Hon. <span class="sc">John Collier</span> will shortly
+explain why he painted the famous
+picture, "The Fallen Idol." If only
+some of our minor artists would be
+equally frank.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A weekly paper is offering a prize to
+anybody who discovers the oldest living
+fish. It is just as well that no prize
+is offered for the oldest dead fish.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Large dumps of valuable material
+which is slowly rotting are to be met
+all along the main road in Northern
+France to-day," complains a morning
+paper. A responsible Government official
+now admits that whilst motoring
+in that district last week he noticed
+that the road was bumpy in places.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There is some talk of the Americans
+having a League of Notions of their own.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">M. Charles Nordmann</span> states that
+the world will end in ten thousand
+million years. It will be interesting to
+see if America will refuse to take part
+in this as well.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Our horticultural expert informs us
+that during the next two or three weeks
+all wooden houses should be carefully
+pruned.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The rumour that Mr. <span class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley,
+M.P.</span>, will be asked to design
+a new uniform for the Royal Air Force
+is without foundation.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is feared that, owing to the sudden
+appearance of Summer weather last
+week, the <span class="sc">Poet Laureate</span> will once
+again be obliged to hold over his Spring
+poem.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It seems a pity that eight of the nine
+bricklayers who entered for the recent
+brick-laying contest should have collapsed,
+allowing the ninth an easy walk-over
+with seven bricks to his credit.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Statistics show a remarkable increase
+in the Welsh birthrate as compared
+with previous years. As usual, nothing
+is being done about it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There are several ways, says Sir
+<span class="sc">James Mackenzie</span>, the eminent specialist,
+of tracing heart
+weakness. One way is to
+charge the owner of the
+heart seven-and-six for a
+pound of butter. If he
+faints he has a weak heart;
+if he pays he is merely
+weak in the head.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Bill has been introduced
+in the New York
+Legislature to confine the
+headlines in murder cases
+to thirty-six points. The
+limit for international
+headliners is still fourteen
+points.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Government, says
+a contemporary, is about
+to start growing tobacco
+in Norfolk. Whether it is
+to be sold as Coalition
+Mixture or Carlton Club
+has not yet been decided.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Royal Academy have issued a
+notice that frames other than gilt will
+be admissible this year. Many people,
+it is thought, who never felt attracted
+by the old-fashioned gilt frames will
+now visit the exhibition.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>An auctioneer's clerk has been summoned
+for throwing a bun at a railway
+buffet waitress. It was a thoughtless
+thing to do. He might have broken it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We have just heard of a Scottish
+engineer who has decided to strike
+out along novel lines. Although only
+twenty-two years of age he has arranged
+to settle down in Scotland.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%" src="images/229.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Taxi-Driver</i> (<i>who has been paid the correct fare</i>). "<span class="sc">You've forgotten
+something, gov'nor</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Fare.</i> "<span class="sc">What is it</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Taxi-Driver.</i> "<span class="sc">Your address. I might want another mascot some
+day</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a fashion-advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Paris Moves the Waist-Line</span>."
+
+<i>American Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But it is believed that the young man's
+strong right arm will succeed in rediscovering
+it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>
+
+<h2>"SUMMER-TIME"</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>with some moral reflections</i>).</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>To-day I left my downy lair</p>
+<p class="i2">An hour before my wont;</p>
+<p>But do I consequently wear</p>
+<p class="i2">An unctuous smile? I don't.</p>
+<p>If with the early lark's ascent</p>
+<p class="i2">I soared from out my bed, it</p>
+<p>Is to an Act of Parliament</p>
+<p class="i2">That I must give the credit.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>When I escape, in butter's dearth,</p>
+<p class="i2">The fault of waxing fat,</p>
+<p>Calmly I view my modest girth</p>
+<p class="i2">And take no praise for that;</p>
+<p>Not mine the glory when my soul</p>
+<p class="i2">Abjures its ruling passion;</p>
+<p>'Tis his, the lord of Food-control,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who fixed my sugar-ration.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Hampered by regulations for</p>
+<p class="i2">The chastisement of crime&mdash;</p>
+<p>Arson and theft and marrying more</p>
+<p class="i2">Than one wife at a time&mdash;</p>
+<p>I like to feel some sins there be</p>
+<p class="i2">For which the law can't hurt you,</p>
+<p>In whose regard your heart is free</p>
+<p class="i2">To follow vice or virtue.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Of one temptation I rejoice</p>
+<p class="i2">Especially to think,</p>
+<p>That leaves me loose to take my choice&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">My reference is to <span class="sc">Drink</span>;</p>
+<p>Here, where as yet no rules apply</p>
+<p class="i2">By Pussyfeet dictated,</p>
+<p>The merit's mine whenever I</p>
+<p class="i2">Am not inebriated.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i18">O. S.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PERSONAL ELEMENT
+AT A MOTOR SHOW.</h2>
+
+<p>Not to be outdone by Olympia we
+have just held a motor show in our
+provincial Town Hall. What though
+the motoring magazines, obese with
+the rich diet of advertisement, grew no
+fatter in its honour, it was at least
+the most successful social function we
+have known since the War began. The
+Town Hall externally was magnificent
+with flags by day and coloured lamps
+by night, and within was a blaze of
+bunting and greenstuff. The band of
+the Free Shepherds played popular
+music, and the luncheon and tea rooms
+were the scene of most delightful little
+gatherings. Besides all this, quite
+a number of cars were to be found
+amongst the decorations.</p>
+
+<p>Nearly every demobilised officer in
+the county seems to have taken up an
+agency for a car or two, and bought
+himself spats on the strength of a prospective
+fortune. Jimmy Wrigley and
+I are amongst them. Wrigley in the
+Great War was M.T., R.A.S.C., and
+knows so much about cars that he can
+tell the make of lamps from the track
+of the tyres; while I was a cavalryman
+and know so little that I judge Jimmy's
+cleverness only by other people's incredulity.
+On our stand at the show
+we exhibited two cars, which, as I carefully
+learned beforehand from the book
+of the words, were a Byng-Beatty
+and a Tanglefoot, these being the cars
+for which we are what they call concessionaires.
+(The <i>b&acirc;t</i> is tricky, but
+one picks it up loafing about garages.)</p>
+
+<p>As a rule Jimmy and I do the correspondence
+between us&mdash;Jimmy contributing
+the technique and I the punctuation;
+but for the three days of the
+show his cousin Sheila volunteered to
+preside at a dainty little table and make
+jottings of our orders. Sheila is always
+ornamental, and as we had the stand
+draped to tone with her hair, and she
+wore a dress which harmonized like
+soft music with the pale heliotrope of
+the Tanglefoot's body-work, our display
+was a magnet from the word "Go."</p>
+
+<p>And then on the morning of the
+opening day Jimmy went down with his
+Lake Doiran malaria and left me to it!</p>
+
+<p>I am as brave as most people, but
+this calamity unmanned me. "Sheila,"
+I said to a pair of pitying grey eyes, as
+the crowd, having heard the show declared
+open, massed about our stand&mdash;"Sheila,
+the situation is desperate.
+These people will ask me about the
+cars. They will expect me to answer
+them intelligently, and it's no use in
+the world talking horse to them&mdash;I can
+see that from their sordid looks. I shall
+disappear. You can say I have gone
+out on a trial run, which won't be a
+lie, only an understatement. And you
+can just hand them out the little books
+and let them paw the varnish. Silence
+will be better than anything I could
+say. Probably it is better than what
+any conscientious man could say about
+the Tanglefoot."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll carry on, Nobby," said Sheila.
+"You go and buy buns for Miss Hurdlewing,
+and be happy. Fly! here's a
+purchaser."</p>
+
+<p>Sheila's whisper dispersed me into
+the crowd and I strolled away, while
+she bestowed a smile and a specification
+pamphlet on the first of the crowd to
+step on to our stand.</p>
+
+<p>I found it impossible to keep away
+for long. Sheila looked so well against
+the heliotrope Tanglefoot limousine
+that I had to go back to look at her.</p>
+
+<p>The stand was surrounded by a
+throng, hushed and breathless with
+interest. Sheila was talking volubly.
+Hardened motorists listened with their
+mouths open; zealots, feverish to expend
+their excess profits on motoring
+because it was a novelty and expensive,
+stood spell-bound; a rival agent
+drank in her words with tears in his
+eyes&mdash;tears for his old innocence&mdash;and
+his cheek flushed with a sudden and
+splendid determination to amalgamate
+with our firm.</p>
+
+<p>"This chassis, gentlemen," Sheila
+was saying, with a glance towards the
+Byng-Beatty, "has the most exclusive
+features. The torque-tube being fitted
+with an automatic lighter, it is possible
+to change tyres without leaving your
+seat; while by a simple adjustment of
+the universal joint the car will take
+any reasonable obstacle gracefully and
+without any inconvenience to the occupants.
+The clutch is of the Alabama
+type. This new pattern created a great
+sensation at Olympia, owing to the
+ease with which it permits even the
+amateur driver to convert the present
+body into a <i>char-&agrave;-banc</i>  or a tipping-waggon.
+The hood is reversible, so
+that passengers may be sheltered from
+the wind when the car runs backwards.
+In the rear of the boot, concealed by
+a door flush with the panels, is an
+<span class="sc">Einstein</span> parachute, by means of which
+a passenger may leave the car before
+an imminent accident or when tired of
+the company."</p>
+
+<p>I could not move; I did not want to
+either; and I certainly dared not
+interrupt.</p>
+
+<p>"The Tanglefoot," continued Sheila,
+while a sigh of sheer rapture rose from
+the crowd, "is pre-eminently the car
+for a medical man or pushful undertaker.
+No horn is supplied, though
+this will be fitted if desired. The car
+is not cheap, but properly used will
+soon repay itself. Amongst the accessories
+supplied with the standard
+chassis I should like to call your
+attention to the collapsible game-bag
+and landing-net."</p>
+
+<p>This went on for a long, long time,
+and I stayed till a man in the crowd
+recognised me and showed symptoms
+of coming out of his trance. I fled, and
+returned only at the luncheon interval.</p>
+
+<p>"Sheila," I said&mdash;"Sheila, this may
+be fun for you, but James Wrigley and
+I may sing in the streets to pay for it."</p>
+
+<p>"You great stupid"&mdash;her eyes were
+sparking as she spoke&mdash;"I've booked
+more orders than you will be able to
+carry out before you've learned wisdom.
+Look!" It was practically a nominal
+roll of the local capitalists that she
+showed me. "Nobody believes what
+you say about a car, so you can say
+what you like. The thing is to get it
+noticed."</p>
+
+<p>"Did they study these cars much
+before they let you take their names?"</p>
+
+<p>Sheila looked into my eyes and
+laughed happily.</p>
+
+<p>W. K. H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Our Eccentric Advertisers.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Youth Wanted to Strike."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/231.png"><img width="100%" src="images/231.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE DACHSWOLF.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Fritz</span> (<i>doubtfully</i>). "GOOD DOG&mdash;IF YOU STILL <i>ARE</i> A DOG."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%" src="images/232.png" alt="" /></a><p><span class="sc">"Oh, auntie, 'Zymotic' <i>is</i> a funny word for you to be so fond of.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"My dear child, what are you talking about?"</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"Well, daddy said you were very fond of the last word, so I looked it up in the dictionary</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ABOUT BATHROOMS.</h2>
+
+<p>Of all the beautiful things which are
+to be seen in shop windows perhaps
+the most beautiful are those luxurious
+baths in white enamel, hedged round
+with attachments and conveniences in
+burnished metal. Whenever I see one
+of them I stand and covet it for a long
+time. Yet even these super-baths fall
+far short of what a bath should be; and
+as for the perfect bathroom I question
+if anyone has even imagined it.</p>
+
+<p>The whole attitude of modern civilisation
+to the bathroom is wrong. Why,
+for one thing, is it always the smallest
+and barest room in the house? The
+Romans understood these things; we
+don't. I have never yet been in a bathroom
+which was big enough to do my
+exercises in without either breaking the
+light or barking my knuckles against a
+wall. It ought to be a <i>big</i> room and
+opulently furnished. There ought to
+be pictures in it, so that one could lie
+back and contemplate them&mdash;a picture
+of troops going up to the trenches, and
+another picture of a bus-queue standing
+in the rain, and another picture of
+a windy day with some snow in it.
+Then one would really enjoy one's
+baths.</p>
+
+<p>And there ought to be rich rugs in it
+and profound chairs; one would walk
+about in bare feet on the rich rugs
+while the bath was running; and one
+would sit in the profound chairs while
+drying the ears.</p>
+
+<p>The fact is, a bathroom ought to be
+equipped for comfort, like a drawing-room,
+a good, full, velvety room; and
+as things are it is solely equipped for
+singing. In the drawing-room, where
+we want to sing, we put so many curtains
+and carpets and things that most
+of us can't sing at all; and then we
+wonder that there is no music in England.
+Nothing is more maddening than
+to hear several men refusing to join in
+a simple chorus after dinner, when you
+know perfectly well that every one of
+them has been singing in a high tenor
+in his bath before dinner. We all know
+the reason, but we don't take the obvious
+remedy. The only thing to do is
+to take all the furniture out of the
+drawing-room and put it in the bathroom&mdash;all
+except the piano and a few
+cane chairs. Then we shouldn't have
+those terrible noises in the early morning,
+and in the evening everybody would
+be a singer. I suppose that is what
+they do in Wales.</p>
+
+<p>But if we cannot make the bathroom
+what it ought to be, the supreme and
+perfect shrine of the supreme moment
+of the day, the one spot in the house
+on which no expense or trouble is
+spared, we can at least bring the bath
+itself up to date. I don't now, as I did,
+lay much stress on having a bath with
+fifteen different taps. I once stayed in
+a house with a bath like that. There
+was a hot tap and a cold tap, and hot
+sea-water and cold sea-water, and
+<span class="sc">plunge</span> and <span class="sc">spray</span> and <span class="sc">shower</span> and
+<span class="sc">wave</span> and <span class="sc">flood</span>, and one or two more.
+To turn on the top tap you had to stand
+on a step-ladder, and they were all very
+highly polished. I was naturally excited
+by this, and an hour before it
+was time to dress for dinner I slunk
+upstairs and hurried into the bathroom
+and locked myself in and turned on all
+the taps at once. It was strangely disappointing.
+The sea-water was mythical.
+Many of the taps refused to function at
+the same time as any other, and the
+only two which were really effective
+were <span class="sc">wave</span> and <span class="sc">flood</span>. <span class="sc">Wave</span> shot out
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span>a thin jet of boiling water which caught
+me in the chest, and <span class="sc">flood</span> filled the
+bath with cold water long before it
+could be identified and turned off.</p>
+
+<p>No, taps are not of the first importance,
+though, properly polished, they
+look well. But no bath is complete
+without one of those attractive bridges
+or trays where one puts the sponges
+and the soap. Conveniences like that
+are a direct stimulus to washing. The
+first time I met one I washed myself
+all over two or three times simply to
+make the most of knowing where the
+soap was. Now and then, in fact, in a
+sort of bravado I deliberately lost it, so
+as to be able to catch it again and put
+it back in full view on the tray. You
+can also rest your feet on the tray when
+you are washing them, and so avoid
+cramp.</p>
+
+<p>Again, I like a bathroom where there
+is an electric bell just above the bath,
+which you can ring with the big toe.
+This is for use when one has gone to
+sleep in the bath and the water has
+frozen, or when one has begun to commit
+suicide and thought better of it.
+Apart from these two occasions it can
+be used for Morsing instructions about
+breakfast to the cook&mdash;supposing you
+have a cook. And if you haven't a cook
+a little bell-ringing in the basement does
+no harm.</p>
+
+<p>But the most extraordinary thing
+about the modern bath is that there is
+no provision for shaving in it. Shaving
+in the bath I regard as the last word
+in systematic luxury. But in the ordinary
+bath it is very difficult. There is
+nowhere to put anything. There ought
+to be a kind of shaving tray attached
+to every bath, which you could swing
+in on a flexible arm, complete with
+mirror and soap and strop, new blades
+and shaving-papers and all the other
+confounded paraphernalia. Then, I
+think, shaving would be almost tolerable,
+and there wouldn't be so many of
+these horrible beards about.</p>
+
+<p>The same applies to smoking. It is
+incredible that to-day in the twentieth
+century there should be no recognised
+way of disposing of a cigarette-end in
+the bath. Personally I only smoke
+pipes in the bath, but it is impossible
+to find a place in which to deposit even
+a pipe so that it will not roll off into
+the water. But I have a brother-in-law
+who smokes cigars in the bath, a
+disgusting habit. I have often wondered
+where he hid the ends, and I find
+now that he has made a <i>cache</i> of them
+in the gas-ring of the geyser. One day
+the ash will get into the burners and
+then the geyser will explode.</p>
+
+<p>Next door to the shaving and smoking
+tray should be the book-rest. I
+don't myself do much reading in the
+bath, but I have several sisters-in-law
+who keep on coming to stay, and they
+all do it. Few things make the leaves
+of a book stick together so easily as
+being dropped in a hot bath, so they
+had better have a book-rest; and if
+they go to sleep I shall set in motion
+my emergency waste mechanism, by
+which the bath can be emptied in malice
+from outside.</p>
+
+<p>Another of my inventions is the Progress
+Indicator. It works like the indicators
+outside lifts, which show where
+the lift is and what it is doing. My
+machine shows what stage the man
+inside has reached&mdash;the washing stage
+or the merely wallowing stage, or the
+drying stage, or the exercises stage. It
+shows you at a glance whether it is
+worth while to go back to bed or
+whether it is time to dig yourself in on
+the mat. The machine is specially
+suitable for hotels and large country
+houses where you can't find out by
+hammering on the door and asking,
+because nobody takes any notice.</p>
+
+<p>When you have properly fitted out
+the bathroom on these lines all that
+remains is to put the telephone in and
+have your meals there; or rather to
+have your meals there and not put the
+telephone in. It must still remain the
+one room where a man is safe from
+that.</p>
+
+<p>A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/233.png"><img width="100%" src="images/233.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="sc">I see the new curate has called. What is he like, Smithers</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Butler</i> (<i>who had noticed that the Curate was dressed for golf</i>). "<span class="sc">He had the appearance,
+my lady, of being out of 'oly orders for the day</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span><h2>NATIONAL COAL.</h2>
+
+<p>A great deal of nonsense is being
+talked about our coal-mines. I should
+like therefore to throw a little helpful
+light on the subject of nationalisation.
+Speaking as an owner and not as a miner
+(I have at the present moment at least
+six coals and a pound or two of assorted
+mineral rubbish), I want to consider
+some of the pros and cons of this debatable
+proposition. I take it, first of
+all, that we shall pay for our coal along
+with our taxes and in proportion to our
+income. This will come rather hard,
+of course, on the kind of people who
+insist on warming their rooms with
+three large electric vegetable marrows,
+or by means of a number of small
+skeletons pickled in gas. But such
+people will no doubt be able to claim
+rebates, and rebating is one of the most
+healthy and instructive of our British
+parlour games. Let us pass on, then,
+to the means of distribution.</p>
+
+<p>I greatly doubt whether under State
+organisation the practice of opening
+up those romantic and circular caverns
+in the middle of the pavement and suddenly
+filling our cellars with smoke,
+rain and thunder will be allowed to
+continue. Rather, I expect, at the
+moment when John Postman pushes
+the budget of bills through the slit in
+the front-door, William Coalman, walking
+along the roof, will be dropping a
+couple of Derby Brights, in the mode
+of Santa Claus, down the chimney.
+This will get over the basement trouble,
+and deliveries of course will occur frequently,
+if irregularly, throughout the
+day at such times as the Government
+consider them to be necessary for
+making up the fire.</p>
+
+<p>But whatever happens about deliveries
+the Inspector of Grates will be
+an infernal nuisance. Nothing makes
+a man more unpopular than interference
+in a quarrel between husband and
+wife, and I imagine that there will be
+many little suburban tragedies like the
+following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span>.&mdash;<i>A Kensington drawing-room.</i>
+Mr. <i>and</i> Mrs. Smith <i>are discovered
+shivering over the fire</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Smith.</i> No, no. Not like that
+at all. You must break up that big
+lump first.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Smith</i> (<i>coldly</i>). This is the way
+my mother taught me to make up fires.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Smith.</i> Your mother! Ha!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Snatches the poker from her hand.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mary</i> (<i>entering</i>).  The Coal Inspector
+has called.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> Coal Inspector.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Taking the poker from</i> Mr. Smith's
+<i>nerveless grasp, with three vicious
+thrusts he assassinates the already
+moribund fire. They watch him with
+faces of horror. As he turns to go
+they glance at each other, and with a
+simultaneous impulse seize the tongs
+and shovel and strike him with all
+their strength on the back of the head.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">Mr. Smith <i>rings the bell. Enter Mary.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Smith.</i> Please sweep that up.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>She does so. He takes up the
+poker and resumes the altercation.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But let us turn again to the brighter
+side of things. Nothing fills a house-holder
+with such deep pleasure as a
+legitimate grievance against the Government
+on minor counts, especially when
+such grievances are properly ventilated
+in the daily Press. Thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="center">MORE GOVERNMENT CARELESSNESS.</p>
+
+<p class="center">SPARK FALLS ON A HEARTHRUG
+AT CROYDON.</p>
+
+<p>Or</p>
+
+<p class="center">PRIME MINISTER ENCOURAGES
+PNEUMONIA.</p>
+
+<p class="center">FIRE GOES OUT AT PONDER'S END.</p>
+
+<p>These are specimens of the headlines
+we may confidently expect, and little
+forms like the following will be found
+in the more popular dailies:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">PROTEST TO YOUR M.P.</p>
+
+<p>I protest against the continued
+refusal of my fire to burn up, for
+which Government maladministration
+is responsible. I urge you to
+do all in your power to see that
+a warm ruddy glow is cast continually
+over my dining-room. The
+men, women and children of your
+constituency will judge you at the
+next election by your action in this
+matter.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And then there is the question of the
+miscellaneous material which is now
+being supplied in the name of coal,
+especially those large flat pieces of excellent
+slate. As things are now I often
+wonder that the miners don't make
+use of them for propaganda purposes.
+Chalked manifestoes such as&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>We demand forty-four shillings
+more a ton, a five-hour week and
+control of the mines</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>would do much to convert the armchair
+critic as he digs about in the
+scuttle. When we get our coal from
+the State, however, we shall, of course,
+carefully set apart these sections of
+slate, wrap them in brown-paper and
+send them by parcel post to the nearest
+elementary school, with a note to say
+there must have been an inter-departmental
+error.</p>
+
+<p>From State coal too it will only be a
+step to State firewood, and we know
+from the papers what lots the Government
+has of that. Army huts, tables,
+bed-boards, trestles, aeroplanes, railway
+trucks&mdash;there is no end to it all.
+And underneath the firewood, of course,
+carefully packed, comes the daily newspaper
+itself. There can be little doubt
+that, once they have obtained a grip of
+coal and kindling-wood, the Government
+will proceed to nationalise the
+Press.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>REDS AND DARK BLUES.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[Mr. <span class="sc">R. H. Tawney</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">G. D. H.
+Cole</span>, both Oxford Fellows, represent academic
+intellectualism <i>in excelsis</i>  at the G.H.Q. of
+Labour.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Only a simpleton or sawney</p>
+<p>Falls short in reverence for <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p>
+<p>Only the man without a soul</p>
+<p>Disputes the kingliness of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Labour, no longer gross and brawny,</p>
+<p>Finds its true hierophant in <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p>
+<p>And, freed from all save Guild Control,</p>
+<p>Attains its apogee in <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Proud Prelates in their vestments lawny</p>
+<p>Quail at the heresies of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p>
+<p>And prostrate Dukes in anguish roll,</p>
+<p>Scared by the scrutiny of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>The Nabob quits his brandy-pawnee</p>
+<p>To listen to the lore of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p>
+<p>The plain beer-drinker bans the bowl,</p>
+<p>Weaned by the witchery of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Students however slack or yawny</p>
+<p>Grow tense beneath the spell of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p>
+<p>Footballers score goal after goal,</p>
+<p>Trained in the principles of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>The shrimp grows positively prawny</p>
+<p>On list'ning to the voice of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p>
+<p>While upward shoots the blindest mole</p>
+<p>Beneath the airy tread of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>There's something thrilling&mdash;Colleen-Bawny&mdash;</p>
+<p>About the articles of <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p>
+<p>And no one can so grandly toll</p>
+<p>The knell of Capital as <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>As Cornwall rallied to <span class="sc">Trelawny</span></p>
+<p>So Labour rallies to its <span class="sc">Tawney</span>;</p>
+<p>And miners find a "better 'ole"</p>
+<p>Provided by the creed of <span class="sc">Cole</span>.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Our evening congregations have more than
+doubled in two months. <i>Sans Deo!</i>"
+
+<i>Parish Magazine.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We don't wonder that two foreign
+languages were required to veil this
+shocking observation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a feuilleton ("dramatic, kinema
+and all other rights secured"):&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"So he just shook hands all round, and took
+off his coat, and lit a cigar, and laughed when
+Betty Cardon pointed out that he had put the
+wrong end of it in his mouth."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This incident should "film" well.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span><h2>SHOULD AUTHORS PUBLISH THEIR OWN PORTRAITS?</h2>
+
+<p class="center">[Mr. Punch herewith disclaims all intention of quoting the title of any actual book.]</p>
+
+<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon">
+<tr>
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-1.png" width="200" height="284" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><span class="sc">"A Latter-day Lothario</span>."</p></div>
+</td>
+
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-2.png" width="250" height="243" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><span class="sc">"The young charmers</span>."</p></div>
+</td>
+
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-3.png" width="150" height="341" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><span class="sc">"My life-work in the
+slums</span>."</p></div>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon">
+<tr>
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-4.png" width="200" height="281" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">The woman with a purple past</span>."</p></div>
+</td>
+
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-5.png" width="250" height="293" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">The lyre of love</span>."</p></div>
+</td>
+
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-6.png" width="200" height="207" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Half-hours with Bunyan</span>."</p></div>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon">
+<tr>
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-7.png" width="200" height="200" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Court life from the inside</span>."</p></div>
+</td>
+
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-8.png" width="250" height="234" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">Stage deportment for Amateurs</span>."</p></div>
+</td>
+
+      <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-9.png" width="175" height="213" alt="" /></a><p class="center">"<span class="sc">What physical culture has
+done for me</span>."</p></div>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/236.png"><img width="100%" src="images/236.png" alt="" /></a><h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">My dear Miss Monteith, couldn't you give us a more appropriate expression? Don't forget you're supposed to
+be stepping from the top of one sky-scraper to another, so do try and look just a little peevish.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SEASIDE ISSUES.</h2>
+
+<p>"This summer," said Suzanne, "we
+must take the bull by the forelock."</p>
+
+<p>"Dearest wife," I cried, "at your
+age you must not dream of joining in
+such dangerous sports. Besides I don't
+think the summer is quite the season
+for Spain."</p>
+
+<p>"Who's talking about Spain? And
+what is this insinuation about my age?
+But a few short years have sped since
+you took me from the schoolroom&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Where you <i>would</i> mix up the proverbs
+in your copy-book. But let us
+get back to our starting-point; what
+exactly is it you meditate doing this
+summer&mdash;if any?"</p>
+
+<p>"Taking the children to the seaside,
+of course; and, as I said, we must
+make our arrangements well in advance,
+otherwise we shall get left, as we did
+last year, and have to put up with
+lodgings in Margate."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you any particular place in
+view?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"No. But it must have a nice sandy
+beach for Barbara, and must not be too
+bracing for Baby, and there must be
+one or two caves dotted about, and a
+snug little harbour with a dear old fisherman
+who can take you sailing, and&mdash;oh,
+and we'll bask on the shore all
+day and watch the ripples dancing in
+the sun&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And hear the starfish calling to his
+mate," I extemporised.</p>
+
+<p>"And we'll live a life of freedom in a
+corner by ourselves," she continued
+with a disconcerting change of metre
+into which I could not hope to follow
+her. But her words gave me an idea.</p>
+
+<p>"I do believe," I said, "I know the
+exact spot you're pining for. To-morrow,
+something tells me, is Saturday.
+On Saturday I down tools at twelve.
+Meet me on the weighing-machine at
+Victoria Cross a quarter after noon and
+I will show you the place you seek."</p>
+
+<p>"The man's a marvel," said Suzanne.
+"What frocks shall I pack for the week-end?"</p>
+
+<p>"We return before nightfall," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>Next day I sought Suzanne at the
+appointed hour and station. She had
+taken my words literally and was
+steadfastly occupying the automatic
+weighing machine, with her back impassively
+turned upon an indignant
+youth who was itching to gamble a
+penny on the chance of guessing his
+avoirdupois. Quietly I crept behind
+her and placed a coin in the slot,
+simultaneously pressing my foot upon
+the platform. Suzanne gazed with
+mingled horror and fascination at the
+mounting indicator, and at sixteen
+stone jumped off with a gasp on to my
+disengaged foot. For a few moments
+I could have believed that the machine
+had recorded the truth.</p>
+
+<p>When we had both regained our
+composure Suzanne inquired if I had
+got the tickets. The moment for enlightenment
+had arrived.</p>
+
+<p>I led her to a hoarding and placed
+her in front of a poster which depicted
+a most alluring seaside resort. The
+sea was of the royalest blue, the sands
+were a rich 22-carat; there was a cave
+in the left foreground, a gaily-striped
+tent on the right, and a tiny harbour
+with yacht attached in the middle
+distance; and, with the exception of a
+lady escaped from a lingerie advertisement
+whom vandal hands had pasted
+on the scene, the sole occupants of this
+coastal Paradise were a gentleman in
+over-tailored flannels, red blazer and
+Guards' tie who was dancing a Bacchanale
+with a bath-towel, a small boy
+who was apparently fleeing from his
+parent's frenzy, and a smaller girl,
+mostly sun-bonnet, who was nursing
+a jelly-fish. Beneath the picture was
+the legend, "You Can Let Yourself Go
+at Giddyville."</p>
+
+<p>I looked anxiously at Suzanne as she
+surveyed this masterpiece.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said at last, "isn't that
+the place of your dreams? It's all
+practically as you described it last
+night, and you will observe that it's by
+no means overcrowded."</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span><p>"But what objectionable children!"
+said Suzanne. "I shouldn't at all care
+for Barbara to mix with them; and
+jelly-fish sting. Besides, that boat
+doesn't look at all safe, and the man's
+a bounder in every sense of the word.
+What's this other place?"</p>
+
+<p>I was disappointed, and considered
+Suzanne's criticism superficial in the
+extreme. The next pictures showed an
+emerald sea and pink shore, two piers,
+a flock of aeroplanes, and a structure
+that combined the characteristic features
+of the Eiffel Tower and the Albert
+Memorial. One suspected a herd of
+minstrels in the distance, but here
+again the beach was remarkably and
+invitingly uncongested. A solitary
+barefooted maiden communing with a
+crustacean rather caught my fancy, but
+it didn't need the angle of Suzanne's
+nose to tell me that "Puddlesey for
+Pleasure" was a wash-out; frankly, it
+was too good to believe that all the
+holiday-makers but one were content
+to patronise either the piers or the
+aeroplanes or the hidden attractions of
+the architectural outrage, and to leave
+the beach so desirably vacant.</p>
+
+<p>We passed over in eloquent silence a
+couple of lurid <i>affiches</i> which declared
+that "Exhampton Is So Exhilarating"
+(a middle-aged person in side-whiskers
+and a purple bathing-suit attempting to
+drown his unfortunate wife), and that
+"Rooksea Will Restore the Roses" (a
+fragile young woman in a deck-chair
+being nourished out of a box of chocolates
+by a sentimental ass whose attire
+proclaimed him a member of the local
+concert party). The next scene to engage
+our attention was much more
+simple in its appeal and striking in its
+effect. The sea was neither so blatantly
+blue nor so vividly green as the
+other seas had been; the beach was but
+normally sandy-hued, and there was a
+delicious little fellow, clad in nothing
+much except seaweed, who was splashing
+himself with great seriousness in
+the middle of a shining pool. Again
+that amazing absence of the seaside
+crowd; but somehow or other this
+picture seemed to ring true. There
+were no piers or other "attractions,"
+and to souls that shunned such delights
+the <i>aura</i> of the place was extremely
+sympathetic, A single glance sufficed
+to determine us both.</p>
+
+<p>"Quick!" said Suzanne with a catch
+in her breath. "What's the place
+called?"</p>
+
+<p>Alas! where the legend should have
+appeared was an ugly gap. The picture
+had been badly torn in its most vital
+part, and nothing was there to reveal
+the identity of that magic spot where
+that delightfully real and really delightful
+baby boy had been caught by the
+camera of the publicity agent. Hurriedly
+we sought the Inquiry Bureau,
+but no answer could be obtained to
+Suzanne's incoherent questionings. We
+have since written to various agencies,
+but in vain; nor, strangely enough, in
+spite of much searching, have we ever
+seen the poster exhibited anywhere
+else.</p>
+
+<p>Suzanne, however, who has not given
+up her sanguine interest in the sport of
+bull-baiting, is still intent on taking
+time by the horns and getting in before
+the rush. She has just compiled a list
+of "likely" places (selected for the most
+part because she likes the sound of
+their names), to which we are apparently
+to pay week-end visits of exploration.
+I have calculated that long before
+we come to the end of these expeditions
+the summer&mdash;if any&mdash;will be over.
+Whether we shall ever find the land of
+our hearts' desire is, as the bull himself
+said, a toss-up.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%" src="images/237.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Shopman.</i> "<span class="sc">Ammonia? Ay, I hae ammonia, but the stopper's oot an' the
+guidness gane</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, have you benzine</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Shopman.</i> "<span class="sc">Benzine? Ay, I hae benzine, but the stopper's in an' I canna
+get it oot</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>No More "Feed the Brute."</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The speaker advised the women not to go
+in for pastry politics, but to be good suffragettes,
+working only for the benefit of their
+sex."&mdash;<i>South African Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"It is now announced that the America
+Cup defender, as well as the challenger, will
+be steered by an amateur helmsman, Mr.
+Charles Adams, of Boston, having undertaken
+the duty."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We congratulate Mr. <span class="sc">Adams</span> on his
+impartiality.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%" src="images/238.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE BULLDOG BREED.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Sportsman</i> (<i>whose opponent has just achieved the hole in one</i>). "<span class="sc">This for a half</span>!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A SPRING SONG.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[A daily paper states that very few housewives will be able to indulge in the luxury of Spring cleaning this year owing to
+the enormous increase in the cost of materials and labour.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i18">Sing!</p>
+<p class="i8">I will make me a song about Spring;</p>
+<p>I will write with delight of the brightness in store;</p>
+<p>I will sing of a Spring never dreamed of before,</p>
+<p>A Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,</p>
+<p>A season of reason, a Spring without cleaning,</p>
+<p>A Spring without painters, a Spring without pain,</p>
+<p>A Spring that for once will not drive me insane.</p>
+<p>I lift up my voice and rejoice at this thing,</p>
+<p class="i12">This excellent Spring.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i18">Di</p>
+<p class="i8">Will in all probability cry;</p>
+<p>She will rave at the news and refuse with disgust;</p>
+<p>She will say that she <i>must</i> have a thrust at the dust;</p>
+<p class="i8">But I know what I'm saying,</p>
+<p class="i10">We've got to go slow;</p>
+<p class="i8">We <i>can't</i> go on paying&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">Spring-cleaning must go.</p>
+<p>It's the knell of the mop and the doom of the broom;</p>
+<p>We cannot afford to do even one room;</p>
+<p>If she wants her own way I shall say with a frown,</p>
+<p>"It's too dear, and I fear, until prices come down,</p>
+<p>We must try and deny ourselves this little thing."</p>
+<p class="i12">Magnificent Spring!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i18">I'm</p>
+<p class="i8">Going to have a delectable time;</p>
+<p>Though in previous years I've been hustled about,</p>
+<p>And they've driven me mad till I had to go out,</p>
+<p>Without flurry or worry this year I shall stay</p>
+<p>And know just where to look for my book ev'ry day;</p>
+<p class="i8">It's the finest of schemes;</p>
+<p class="i10">It's a blessing, a miracle;</p>
+<p class="i8">Spring of my dreams,</p>
+<p class="i10">I can't <i>help</i> growing lyrical</p>
+<p>Over this quite unbelievable thing&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i12">Glorious Spring!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i18">This</p>
+<p class="i8">Is a song of unqualified bliss;</p>
+<p>I have never sung quite such a song in my life;</p>
+<p>I have nothing but jeers for the tears of my wife;</p>
+<p>She may moan, she may groan, she may weep and grow wild,</p>
+<p>But the Spring shall remain undisturbed, undefiled,</p>
+<p>Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,</p>
+<p>Spring as it ought to be, Spring without cleaning;</p>
+<p class="i12">Halcyon days!</p>
+<p class="i12">Oh, let us raise</p>
+<p>Shouts of thanksgiving and p&aelig;ans of praise.</p>
+<p>Join me, O men. Bound the world let it ring&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i12"><i>Exquisite</i> Spring!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Town Clerk said that Kilkenny coal, or coal raised elsewhere
+in Ireland, was uncontrollable."&mdash;<i>Irish Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Like most other things in that country.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Customers in London</span>.&mdash;Hardly creditable, yet true; we satisfy
+them; let us satisfy you. &mdash;&mdash; Laundry."&mdash;<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>On the contrary, we think it most creditable.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%" src="images/239.png" alt="" /></a><h3>OCCASIONAL COMRADES.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Asquith.</span> "AS I WAS SAYING THE OTHER DAY, 'THERE ARE MANY ROADS WE
+CAN TRAVEL SIDE BY SIDE.' THIS IS ONE OF THEM."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Labour.</span> "AH! AND AS YOU WERE ALSO SAYING ON VARIOUS OTHER OCCASIONS&mdash;'WAIT
+AND SEE.'"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Monday, March 22nd.</i>&mdash;As if the condition
+of Ireland were not bad enough,
+Mr. <span class="sc">Clem Edwards</span> sought to make
+our flesh creep by asking whether
+the Government had information that
+risings had been planned for Easter
+Monday, not only in that country but
+in Liverpool, Manchester and
+Glasgow as well. The
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> declined to
+answer the question, and
+was manifestly relieved
+when Mr. <span class="sc">Jack Jones</span>, with
+great tact, changed the subject
+by asking if a white
+blackbird had been caught
+that morning on Hackney
+Marshes.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/240-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/240-1.png" alt="" /></a><p>IT IS UNDERSTOOD THAT MR. NEIL MACLEAN AND MR.
+DAN IRVING HAVE DECIDED TO BOYCOTT THE HAIR-CUTTING
+INDUSTRY PENDING ITS NATIONALISATION.</p></div>
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Winterton</span> and the
+other "Young Turks" were
+again inquisitive about the
+suppressed report of the
+alleged Greek outrages at
+Smyrna, until Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George</span> put an end to the
+catechism with the remark
+that "Even Christians are
+entitled to a fair trial."</p>
+
+<p>Chafing under the accusation
+that the trade unions are largely
+responsible for preventing ex-Service
+men from obtaining employment the
+Labour Party pressed the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> to produce his evidence.
+To-day they got it, in stacks. All the
+unions, in principle, are in favour of
+training disabled men, but in practice
+most of them require that a workman
+shall have worked at his craft for from
+three to six years before being
+admitted to their ranks. "You
+have fought for us, but you shall
+not work for us" is their attitude.</p>
+
+<p>On the Army Estimates Sir
+<span class="sc">Samuel Scott</span> pleaded for the
+formation of an Imperial General
+Staff. Even in peace-time there
+were plenty of problems to be
+solved. We should never be really
+at peace, moreover, so long as
+there were tribes on our frontiers
+who looked upon war as an
+amusement and a pastime, "as
+hon. Members look upon golf."
+Surely this is to underestimate
+the devotion of our earnest golfers.
+Judging by the condition of the
+links on Sunday I should say
+some of them look upon it as a
+religion.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Neil Maclean</span> pretended
+not to understand why we
+wanted an army at all. Was not
+the last war "a war to end war"?
+But his main point&mdash;in which he
+will be surprised to find many
+quite respectable people agreeing with
+him&mdash;is that it should not be officered
+from one class. Mr. <span class="sc">Maclean</span> is not
+so revolutionary as he thinks himself.
+The most insurgent thing about him
+is his hair, and even that is not more
+rebellious than Mr. <span class="sc">Dan Irving's</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:33%;"><a href="images/240-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/240-2.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>The Addison Bird.</i> "<span class="sc">Beautiful spring weather, John.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>John Bullfinch.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, my dear. But you don't seriously
+mean to start building&mdash;what</span>?"</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, March 23rd.</i>&mdash;Lord <span class="sc">Peel</span>
+was evidently surprised at the amount
+of opposition encountered by the Silver
+Coinage Bill. Having a specimen of
+the new shilling in his pocket he himself
+was feeling particularly bobbish,
+and could not understand the gloomy
+vaticinations of Lord <span class="sc">Buckmaster</span> and
+Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> as to what might
+happen in West Africa and elsewhere if
+we depreciated our currency. But his
+usual self-confidence so far deserted
+him that he confessed that he could
+not "answer for the whole of the
+British Empire at a moment's notice."</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span> refused to
+accept Lord <span class="sc">Balfour of Burleigh's</span>
+proposal to abolish the D.O.R.A. regulation
+forbidding the sale of confectionery
+in theatres, on the ground that
+it would be unfair to the ordinary shops
+to allow this competition,
+and that the business of the
+theatre was to supply drama
+not chocolate. Lord <span class="sc">Balfour</span>
+was unconvinced. His
+imagination boggled at the
+thought of a Scotsman, at
+any rate, paying for a seat
+in a theatre in order to purchase
+a shilling's worth of
+"sweeties."</p>
+
+<p>The House of Commons
+has a childlike sense of
+humour. There is nothing
+that it enjoys more than to
+have a Minister struggling
+with the pronunciation of
+some outlandish place-name.
+When, therefore, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Illingworth</span>, posed with
+the deficiencies of the mail
+service to Bryngwran and
+Gwalchmai, made a gallant but ineffectual
+effort to get over the first obstacle
+and evaded the second by calling it "the
+other place," Members roared with
+delighted laughter.</p>
+
+<p>In the further debate on the Army
+Estimates a good deal was said about
+the unfortunate events in Ireland. Mr.
+<span class="sc">T. P. O'Connor</span> had the grace to withdraw
+some of the unfortunate insinuations
+against the conduct of the
+British soldiers into which he had
+been betrayed the day before, but
+Messrs. <span class="sc">Kenworthy</span> and <span class="sc">Malone</span>
+repeated them with additions of
+their own, and incurred thereby
+a castigation from Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span>
+which the House cordially approved.</p>
+
+<p>The Coal Mines (Emergency)
+Bill was read a third time. On
+behalf of the Labour Party, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Adamson</span> declared that the profits
+of the coal industry must be
+"pooled"&mdash;a proposition which
+would command general approval
+if there seemed any likelihood
+that consumers would receive a
+share of the pool.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, March 24th.</i>&mdash;Since
+<span class="sc">Disraeli</span> startled a scientific
+meeting by declaring himself to
+be "on the side of the angels"
+there has been no more remarkable
+piece of self-revelation than
+Lord <span class="sc">Birkenhead's</span> defence of
+the Matrimonial Causes Bill. It
+was not so much his wealth of
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span>ecclesiastical lore or the impassioned
+appeal that he made for the victims of
+the present divorce law that impressed
+the Peers as the high line that he took
+in condemning the opponents of the
+measure. He as good as told the occupants
+of the Episcopal Bench that
+their view of marriage was lacking in
+spirituality. The Archbishop of <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>
+was so dumbfounded by the
+accusation that he meekly confessed
+himself unable to follow
+the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor's</span> religious
+arguments. Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> displayed
+more pugnacity in a reassertion
+of views that had been described
+as "medi&aelig;val superstition."
+But the Peers preferred
+the Use of Birkenhead to the Use
+of Sarum, and gave the Bill a
+Second Reading by a two-to-one
+majority.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/241-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-1.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>The <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Illingworth</span></i> (<i>after some
+unsuccessful attempts to ring up the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> for
+particulars about the pronunciation of Gwalchmai</i>).  "<span class="sc">Ah
+well, if I can't get on to David within the next
+half-hour I must content myself with calling it
+'the other place.</span>'" [<i>Does so.</i>]</p></div>
+
+
+<p>In the course of the debate
+Lord <span class="sc">Buckmaster</span> expressed his
+regret that so effective an orator
+as the Archbishop of <span class="sc">York</span> should
+have deserted the Law for the
+Church. After this afternoon's
+display I could not help wondering
+what would have happened
+if "F. E.'s" call had been to the
+Church instead of the Bar, and
+whether a shovel-hat would not have
+suited him even better than a wig.</p>
+
+<p>Members who display a friendly interest
+in the revival of German trade were
+gratified to learn that the clock-manufacturers,
+at any rate, are taking time
+by the forelock and are already sending
+their goods to this country. So far are
+they, moreover, from cherishing animosity
+or desiring to magnify the Fatherland
+that they modestly label them
+"Westminster Chimes." It is pleasant
+to record that the Board of Trade, exhibiting
+the same spirit of self-abnegation,
+has insisted on substituting the
+time-honoured inscription, "Made in
+Germany."</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:25%;"><a href="images/241-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-2.png" alt="" /></a><p class="center">THE RIGHT REVEREND THE LORD
+BISHOP OF BIRKENHEAD.</p></div>
+
+<p>It is a mistake to suppose that there
+are no limits to the ambition of the
+<span class="sc">Geddes</span> family. "I never wanted air-transport,"
+said Sir <span class="sc">Eric</span> this afternoon,
+and later on he expressly disclaimed
+the megalomania which had been attributed
+to him "by those best able to
+diagnose the disease." He is certainly
+coming on as a Parliamentary speaker,
+and gave an informing and, on the whole,
+hopeful account of the work of the railways
+in promoting reconstruction.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, March 25th.</i>&mdash;The <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> was rather husky this afternoon.
+He had been having a strenuous
+time with the miners and possibly some
+of the coal-dust had got into his throat.
+But his spirit is unabated, and he flatly
+refused to withdraw his charge that the
+trade unions, by refusing to modify their
+regulations, are holding up the building
+industry.</p>
+
+<p>In connection with the proposal to
+raise the Tube fares, Mr. <span class="sc">Will Thorne</span>
+inquired whether this would not mean
+an increase of two pounds a week in the
+expenditure of some families, and, on
+the figure being challenged, said that it
+was quite correct, for one of the families
+was his own. Members entered into
+rapid calculations on their Order Papers
+with the view of discovering how many
+olive-branches had sprung from this
+<span class="sc">Thorne</span>.</p>
+
+<p>After Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith's</span> "prave 'orts"
+at the National Liberal Club the mildness
+of his criticism upon the Government's
+foreign policy sadly disappointed
+his more ardent supporters. His only
+concrete suggestion was that we should
+surrender our mandate for Mesopotamia
+and retire to the coast, and this did not
+meet with much approval.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE INDIARUBBER BLOKE.</h2>
+
+<p>The train ran into Victoria Station
+and pandemonium.</p>
+
+<p>A struggling mass of people trying
+to get out, another mass trying to get
+in; everybody pushing and muttering,
+grunting and groaning; and above all
+the howling of the Specially Selected
+Band of Hustlers in their now famous
+and unpopular performance:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Urry up off the car, please.
+<span class="sc">Wait</span> till they're all off. Move
+right down the centre, please.
+Wot are you doin' there? Come
+orf it if you're comin' orf. Get
+a move on, please. 'Urry up on
+board. Come on there. <span class="sc">Right
+behind</span>."</p>
+
+<p>A siren shrilled and we were
+moving again.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't you set the kid down,
+Mother?" said a voice. "You
+can't carry her like that. Be
+quiet, 'Enry, will you."</p>
+
+<p>I managed to struggle out of
+my seat.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you, Sir," said the
+man. "Sit down, Em'ly. That's
+better. Now you can 'old the
+kid. Shut up, 'Enry, will you?"</p>
+
+<p>I looked for Henry and found
+him wedged in a forest of legs.</p>
+
+<p>"I think he's afraid of being trodden
+on," I said.</p>
+
+<p>We managed, with some effort, to
+extract the child and make him a little
+more comfortable. His father turned
+with a sigh of relief to me.</p>
+
+<p>"Awful business travellin' with kids
+nowadays, ain't it?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"I can quite believe it," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Bad enough anywhere," he went
+on, "but on this line&mdash;well&mdash;and they
+stick up placards tellin' you to be
+patient. Patient! With a wife and
+two kids, and them young jackanapes
+at Victoria a-howling at you all the
+time. If there's one thing I 'ate it's
+bein' 'ustled." He laughed resentfully.
+"'Come on, get a move on.' 'Jump to
+it!' Shoutin' and howlin' till you don't
+know whether you're gettin' on or
+gettin' orf. Anybody'd think we was
+a lot of blinkin' animals."</p>
+
+<p>Something clicked inside my head
+(I hesitate to suggest what) and the
+carriage and the swaying people went
+out of focus.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>There was a little squad of soldiers
+piling arms.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand clear," said the subaltern in
+charge.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand at&mdash;ease. Stand easy. Carry
+on, Sergeant."</p>
+
+<p>The P.T. Instructor came forward.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, lads," he said briskly, "take
+off your equipment and your tunics
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span>and puttees and roll up your sleeves.
+And while you're doin' it listen to your
+Uncle Brown, who's goin' to give
+things away.</p>
+
+<p>"I 'aven't took any of you lads before&mdash;(come
+along there, my son; we ain't
+syncopatin' the movements)&mdash;but I'm
+told you're all B.E.F. men. Well then,
+I expect you think you know something.
+So you do. You know what a
+Jerry looks like and what a Whizzbang
+sounds like. But that ain't much.
+You don't know me. 'Ave a good look
+at me. You'll 'ear what I <i>sound</i> like
+in a minute."</p>
+
+<p>He paused for effect and breath.</p>
+
+<p>"Now you 'ave 'ad a look at me
+you'll know me. Not the Apollo
+Belgravia, but just plain Brown&mdash;Mrs.
+Brown's old man&mdash;that's me; and
+thank 'Eaven it's 'im you've got to
+deal with and not Mr. Brown's old
+woman. Now we'll get to work, lads,
+and 'ustle's the word."</p>
+
+<p>He moved away a few paces.</p>
+
+<p>"When I say 'Round me nip,'" he
+shouted, "I want to see a cloud of dust
+and a livin' statue. Round me&mdash;<span class="sc">Nip</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>There was boxing.</p>
+
+<p>"'It 'im," yelled Brown; "you ain't
+doin' a foxtrot! Bite 'is ear orf! Make
+'is nose bleed!"</p>
+
+<p>Their noses bled.</p>
+
+<p>There were bayonet charges on stuffed
+sacks.</p>
+
+<p>"Kick 'em," roared Brown, leaping
+round like a dervish; "make faces at
+'em! I want to see ye getting uglier
+every minute."</p>
+
+<p>They grew uglier.</p>
+
+<p>Half-an-hour later the squad, limp
+and perspiring, lay down for a rest.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you've not done too bad,"
+said Brown; "you're all breathin',
+anyway. Get dressed now, and don't
+be 'alf-an-hour at it. Don't forget, my
+lads, 'ustle's the word what makes such
+men as me&mdash;and you too by the time
+I've finished with you. I'll make it a
+bit stiffer to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>He strolled off.</p>
+
+<p>A voice arose from the squad:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Anybody'd think we was a lot of
+blinkin' animals."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I came back suddenly to the carriage
+and the crush.</p>
+
+<p>"So you've altered your ideas about
+hustling?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Altered them? Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "I can remember a
+day when Mrs. Brown's old man&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Sir, you mean to say&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I do," I said.</p>
+
+<p>And after a time:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Well, good-bye, Sergeant. Awfully
+glad to have seen you again, and to
+know you don't like being hustled any
+more than we did."</p>
+
+<p>He laughed.</p>
+
+<p>"One for you, Sir," he said. "But
+after all you was carrying a rifle, not a
+bloomin' baby."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%" src="images/242.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Old Gentleman.</i> "<span class="sc">Is that your baby</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl.</i> "<span class="sc">No, Sir, it ain't ourn. We ain't 'ad none since me</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A Cool Reception.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Visit of 10 Wesleyan Ministers</span>.</p>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash; Wesleyan Church.</p>
+<p>'Is happiness possible to-day?'"</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Nursery Governess to go to Jamaica early
+May; two boys ages seven and four; one able
+to give first lessons and music."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Then why can't he teach the other?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="center">"A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>Exceptional Purchase of &mdash;&mdash; Cigars. Weight
+about 1&frac12; lbs. Length 5 inches."</p>
+
+<p><i>Advt. in Evening Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But only suitable, we should imagine,
+for very heavy smokers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Ex-Government Bedside Tables, make
+Boat Cupboards, Safes, Bookcases, Wash-stands,
+etc., not large enough to live in."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Not a solution of the housing problem
+after all.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/243.png"><img width="100%" src="images/243.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Head of the House.</i> "<span class="sc">Don't think I'm complaining, Emma. I know I can't afford to buy new clothes, and don't in the
+least object to having Wilfrid's trousers cut down to fit me; but the bag of the knee makes them fall so awkward
+at the ankle</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SCREEN <i>v.</i> STAGE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[According to Mr. <span class="sc">W. G. Faulkner</span>, who has recently interviewed <span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span> at Los Angeles, the great film comedian chiefly
+reads serious books on philosophy and social problems, being specially interested in the prices of food and clothing. Romantic novels
+have no attraction for him, and it is nonsense to say that he ever hoped to play <i>Hamlet</i>, for "he does not like Shakespeare, whose
+works neither entertain nor interest him."]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There is bitter grief at Stratford, on the silver Avon's marge,</p>
+<p>Where the cult of <span class="sc">William Shakespeare</span> is extremely fine and large,</p>
+<p>For across the broad Atlantic comes the petrifying news</p>
+<p>That the greatest film comedian does not care for <span class="sc">William's</span> Muse.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Serious problems&mdash;economics and the price of margarine&mdash;</p>
+<p>Occupy the hours of leisure that he snatches from the screen;</p>
+<p>But the works of <span class="sc">William Shakespeare</span> he dismisses as inane,</p>
+<p>And he harbours no ambition to enact the princely Dane.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>This momentous revelation, little birds reveal to me,</p>
+<p>Has produced a spasm of anguish in the heart of <span class="sc">Sidney Lee</span>;</p>
+<p>Wails arise from <span class="sc">Henry Ainley</span>, <span class="sc">Benson</span>, <span class="sc">Lang</span> and <span class="sc">Moscovitch</span>,</p>
+<p>Though so far no word of protest emanates from <span class="sc">Little Tich</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Still, by way of compensation for this ruthless turning down</p>
+<p>Of the chief Elizabethan by a neo-Georgian clown,</p>
+<p>'Tis averred that <span class="sc">Stoll</span> (Sir <span class="sc">Oswald</span>), in a life of storm and stress,</p>
+<p>Finds distraction from his labours in the works of <span class="sc">William S.</span></p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>In this context I may notice that the "consequential" <span class="sc">Keynes</span></p>
+<p>From an economic survey of the cinema abstains;</p>
+<p>But this curious lacuna does not prove that he has missed</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin's</span> true importance as a sociologist.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>All the same, good Viscount <span class="sc">Morley</span> is, we are prepared to state,</p>
+<p>Unaware of the existence of the peerless <span class="sc">Harry Tate</span>;</p>
+<p>And the name of <span class="sc">Mary Pickford</span> doesn't palpably convey</p>
+<p>Any sort of connotation to the mind of Viscount <span class="sc">Grey</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>This is much to be regretted, but I'm not without the hope</p>
+<p>That our publicists and statesmen may enlarge their mental scope</p>
+<p>By frequenting entertainments where the pleased spectators rock</p>
+<p>At the antics of <span class="sc">George Robey</span> or the drolleries of <span class="sc">Grock</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>So, conversely, <span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span>, in a later, mellower phase,</p>
+<p>May attain to the enjoyment of Elizabethan plays,</p>
+<p>And, when economic problems on his jaded palate pall,</p>
+<p>Recognise that there is something in our <span class="sc">William</span> after all.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Extract from a lover's letter, read recently in court:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"I see those self-same eyes, which are my own love's, looking at
+each other with all that tenderness with which they once looked into
+mine."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It would appear that the object of his affections suffered
+from some obliquity of vision.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span><h2>OUR "DUMB" PETS BUREAU.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">As one of family&mdash;cat</span> (lady), elderly;
+would give slight services (mousing,
+etc.) in return for comfortable home.
+No dogs. Highest refs. Strictest confidence.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Parrot</span> seeks sit. with refined conversationalists.
+Eighty years in last
+place. Cause of leaving, death of owner.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Rabbit</span>.&mdash;Quiet, domesticated, with
+family of nine, wishes to find home
+with vegetarians. Sleep out.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dog</span>, young, seeks home in cheerful
+family. Well-bred society. Children
+not objected to. Liberal table and good
+outings necessary.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Pony</span>, no longer young, quiet tastes,
+is seeking post with family where
+motor is kept.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sow</span>, eleven encumbrances, wishes to
+board with Jewish family. Liberal
+table.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Lonely</span> goldfish would like to meet
+with another similarly situated.
+View to partnership.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Donkey</span>, at present in seaside town,
+wishes post inland during holiday
+months. Suitable for bed-ridden invalid.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Canary</span>, powerful notes, enthusiastic
+singer, seeks board-residence with
+musical family.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Homes from home&mdash;Cuckoos</span> coming
+England in April desire addresses
+of well-appointed nests for
+depositing eggs. Personally investigated.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Au pair&mdash;Robin</span>, having maisonette
+larger than he requires (flower-pot),
+would like to find another to share it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Cockerel</span>, early riser, smart, good
+appearance, seeks sit. in country
+house. Preference for one with home-farm
+immediately adjacent.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Pet lamb</span>, the property of butcher's
+daughter, desires home with humane
+gentlewomen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Spaniel</span>, field, rather stout but pleasing
+appearance, is giving up country
+pursuits owing to difference with game-keeper.
+Would join lady in carriage
+drives and meals.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Pekinese</span>, noble birth, would go as
+companion in Ducal family living
+in good neighbourhood. Carriage. No
+knowledge of Chinese required.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%" src="images/244.png" alt="" /></a>"<p><span class="sc">I'm looking for my mother. Has she been in here? I know she went
+to buy a chicken, but I don't know if you're her chicken butcher</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"EXPORT SECTION.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Sir Auckland Geddes and Other
+Problems.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Canadian Gazette.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But we understand that the late President
+of the Board of Trade is no
+longer a problem. The last thing he
+did before leaving office was to issue a
+licence for his own exportation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>The Soldier Ants of New Zealand.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Details of the distribution of the payments
+to soldiers' wives in lieu of separation allowances
+have not yet been finally approved, but
+the amount is to be made up to 3s. a day.
+Sir James Allen told a Post reporter this
+morning; in reply ants and 2nd lieutenants
+would share in the distribution."</p>
+
+<p><i>New Zealand Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The Defence Minister was asked by Mr.
+G. Witty if he would extend the payment of
+gratuities on behalf of deceased soldiers to
+sisters and cousins when the soldier had made
+a will to that effect."&mdash;<i>Same paper, later.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The reason why Mr. <span class="sc">Witty's</span> solicitude
+was limited to the sisters and cousins
+evidently was that the ants had been
+already provided for.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Sir Oliver's personality is like that of one
+of the prophets of old. Venerable, white of
+beard and what scanty locks of hair remain,
+a dome-like head, over six feet in height."</p>
+
+<p><i>Boston Herald.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This must be the result of the American
+atmosphere, as we are quite certain
+that the last time we saw Sir <span class="sc">Oliver</span>
+his head was not an inch over three
+feet in height.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span><h2>DEMOBBED.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">India</span>, 1920.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"I'm goin' home," said Hennessey, "for I've been East too long;</p>
+<p>I want the English hedges an' fields an' the English thrush's song,</p>
+<p>An' the honest English faces an' never nobody black;</p>
+<p>It's home for mine," said Hennessey, "so it's down your tents and pack.</p>
+<p class="i6">It'll pass out here</p>
+<p class="i6">For a month or a year,</p>
+<p class="i4">But not for a lifetime&mdash;no dam fear.</p>
+<p>I want my folks," said Hennessey, "an' I'm jolly well goin' back."</p>
+<p>But <i>I</i> said, "Home's gone different an' I've somehow lost the touch,</p>
+<p>An' nobody's written for fifty years, so <i>they</i>'re not worryin' much;</p>
+<p>An' I like it here; I love it." Says Hennessey, "Well, I'm shot!</p>
+<p>Would ye die an' be buried in India?" "Well, Natty," says I, "why not?"</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"East Africa, then," said Hennessey; "it's a promisin' place is that&mdash;</p>
+<p>Money to make an' jobs galore, easy an' rich an' fat;</p>
+<p>An' think of the ridin' an' shootin' an' the camp an' the trekkin' too;</p>
+<p><i>You</i>'ve no ties," said Hennessey; "it's the place for a chap like you.</p>
+<p class="i6">There's a grand career</p>
+<p class="i6">For a pioneer,</p>
+<p class="i4">Which is more than ever you'll see out here.</p>
+<p>East Africa's it," said Hennessey, "if the half they say is true."</p>
+<p>But <i>I</i> said, "Blow East Africa an' slavin' yourself all day;</p>
+<p>I'm an idle man&mdash;bone idle&mdash;with a little bit saved away,</p>
+<p>An' I like them palm-tree beaches an' the warm blue sunlit sea;</p>
+<p>East India, yes, an' welcome, but East Africa&mdash;no, not me."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Well, Palestine," said Hennessey; but I cut him short and sweet,</p>
+<p>An' "Natty," I said, "I've heard it all an' I don't want to repeat&mdash;</p>
+<p>Jerusalem or Mombasa, Tahiti or Timbuctoo,</p>
+<p>Or careers an' pioneerin' an' the rest of it all&mdash;nah poo!</p>
+<p class="i6">It's no good, Nat,</p>
+<p class="i6">For I tell you flat</p>
+<p class="i4">I've cottoned to India an' that's just that;</p>
+<p><i>Bus hogeva</i>; all done&mdash;finish; I'm here till the trees turn blue,</p>
+<p>For I love them early mornings, shiny an' clear an' grey,</p>
+<p>An' I love the cool o' the evening when the temple drummers play,</p>
+<p>An' the long, long, lazy afternoons, when the whole creation sleeps&mdash;</p>
+<p>Quit it? Old man, I couldn't; I'm India's now for keeps.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"So Hennessey, you go home," I says, "an' see to the wife an' kid."</p>
+<p>"You'll follow me there one day," says he, an' I says, "Heaven forbid!</p>
+<p>I'll just be goin' about an' about an' keepin' an open mind</p>
+<p>An' sometimes doin' a job o' work, but not if I'm not inclined;</p>
+<p class="i6">An' I won't care</p>
+<p class="i6">If I'm here or there,</p>
+<p class="i4">Jungle or forest or feast or fair;</p>
+<p>I'll take it all as it comes along, as the Maker o' things designed;</p>
+<p>I'll tramp it North to the Kashmir hills an' South to the Nilgiris;</p>
+<p>I'll find my friends as I find my fun&mdash;and that's where I dam well please;</p>
+<p>An' never no <i>saman</i> or houses or taxes or servants to send things wrong."</p>
+<p>"It wouldn't suit me," said Hennessey. "It wouldn't," says I. "So long!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE ACTRESS.</h2>
+
+<p>You are doubtless aware that in the successful musical
+comedy, <i>The Girl of Forty-Seven</i>, there is a scene in which
+Miss Verbena Vaine, as <i>Clementina</i>, the horse-dealer's
+beautiful daughter, denounces the disreputable old veterinary
+surgeon, <i>Binnett</i>, so whimsically played by that ripe
+comedian, Mr. Sid Apps.</p>
+
+<p>On my first visit to the play many weeks ago an incident
+occurred which both enhanced Mr. Apps's reputation for
+spontaneous humour and highly diverted the audience.</p>
+
+<p>It will be remembered that at the climax of her outburst,
+<i>Clementina</i>, with eyes ablaze and voice vibrating with passion,
+hisses, "Loathsome scoundrel, how I detest and despise
+you!" On the evening to which I refer a mock-submissive
+look came into Apps's face when these words were
+spoken, and he interrupted gently, "Not too much soda,
+Verbena," glancing with mischievous curiosity to see how
+she would take his humorous comment upon her emphatic
+utterance of this line of many sibilants.</p>
+
+<p>The audience was greatly delighted by this effect. Miss
+Vaine failed completely to maintain the <i>r&ocirc;le</i> of the indignant
+beauty and turned her back to the footlights to hide her
+face, though her laughter was betrayed by the shaking of
+her handsome shoulders. There was a pause of some
+moments before she resumed, "My father shall know of
+this," and so forth.</p>
+
+<p>Last week, when Doris, my niece, chose that I should
+take her to see <i>The Girl of Forty-Seven</i>, I was not unwilling
+again to enjoy Apps's humour. I listened with
+especial care as we approached the scene in the play to
+which I have referred. Perhaps he would employ some
+still more successful gag. At last came <i>Clementina's</i> outburst.
+"Loathsome scoundrel, how I detest and despise
+you!" she exclaimed with vehemence. "Not too much
+soda, Verbena," replied the comedian gently, with a mischievous
+glance of curiosity. The actress gave a look of
+amazement, then quickly turned her back to the audience,
+where she stood for some moments with her face in her
+hands and her shoulders shaking, the audience laughing
+aloud with delight. The action of the play was delayed for
+some moments before Miss Verbena Vaine resumed her part.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Another Sinecure.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Wanted, Housemaid, &pound;45, for three in family, three maids;
+no children; good room; all time off usual."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>The Domestic Problem.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"&mdash;&mdash;'s Registry have ladies waiting here daily, 2 to 4.30, for all
+kinds of maids (with or without experience)."&mdash;<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We don't doubt it for a moment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Councillor &mdash;&mdash;: Can we afford to allow the town to be in real
+jeopardy every hour?</p>
+
+<p>The Chairman (to the Brigade Captain): Did you have to take
+the horses away from a funeral the other day, when there was a call?</p>
+
+<p>Brigade Captain: We had to wait until the funeral party got back."</p>
+
+<p><i>Local Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Where are the gees of the Old Brigade?"</p>
+<p>"Gone to a funeral, Sir," she said.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%" src="images/246.png" alt="" /></a><h3>HUNT STEEPLECHASE.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Voice from the Crowd</i> (<i>to sportsman whose horse has refused the brook</i>). "<span class="sc">Now then, guvnor, what yer afraid of?&mdash;Spoiling
+the fishing?</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Countless readers, fusionists and others, will be glad to
+have Mr. <span class="sc">Harold Spender's</span> sparkling abstract of the
+more romantic passages in the life of <i>The Prime Minister</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>). The first half of the book
+describes the upbringing and early battles of this man of
+peace, Rose Cottage at Llanystumdwy with "Uncle Lloyd"&mdash;there
+is a touching picture of the courage, wisdom and
+unselfishness of this grand old man&mdash;the little attorney's
+office at Portmadoc, squire- and parson-baiting <i>passim</i>,
+capture of Carnarvon Boroughs, guerilla tactics in the
+House, suspension, recognition, pacifism, office, original
+budgeting, Limehousing (very reticently indicated), social
+reform. Then War and the supreme opportunity for the
+energy, persuasiveness, adroitness and determination which
+must extort even from opponents the tribute of admiration.
+Not a dull page; occasionally an obscure one. None of
+your cold and calculated criticism for Mr. <span class="sc">Spender</span>. Have
+idols clay feet? Well, not this one, thank you. And it is
+an attitude which enables him to convey to the reader
+something of the irresistible personal magnetism of his
+distinguished friend, and the courage which delights in
+riding the storm and is at its best in the tight corner (one
+might suspect the <span class="sc">Premier</span> of holding the view that if there
+were no tight corners it would be necessary to invent them).
+The summary of the War period is admirably done. The
+history of events leading to the formation of the second
+Coalition Government&mdash;and the third&mdash;is again tactfully
+presented. It would be unreasonable to suppose that all of
+Mr. <span class="sc">Spender's</span> verdicts and estimates will be unchallenged
+by historians. But it is unlikely that the <span class="sc">Premier</span> will
+find a more competent hagiographer.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A story that so far violates the conventions as to start
+with a mother whose moral instability is a worry to her
+children, and a hero who longs to be a practical builder
+despite a parental command to follow art&mdash;such a tale can
+at least claim the merit of originality. Mr. <span class="sc">J. D. Beresford</span>
+would be fully justified in claiming this and much more for
+<i>An Imperfect Mother</i> (<span class="sc">Collins</span>). Here is an interesting,
+fascinating and certainly unusual story, in which only two
+characters are of any real moment, <i>Cecilia</i>, the imperfect
+mother, embodiment of the artist temperament, egotistical
+almost to inhumanity, who abandons her dull husband
+and boring daughters to "live her own life"; and <i>Stephen</i>,
+the son, who alone can give her a half-sympathetic, half-resentful
+understanding. You see already the cleverness
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Beresford's</span> conception. Really, it is just this
+that works (at least for me) its undoing. His characters
+are fashioned with the nicest ingenuity; the positions
+into which he so dextrously manipulates them compel your
+interest and delighted wonder; but never once do they
+touch your emotions, and never once can you see them as
+anything but the creations of a highly talented brain. This
+is the more strange because Mr. <span class="sc">Beresford's</span> people are as
+a rule so convincingly real. Perhaps to some degree the
+effect of artifice is due to the author's exclusive preoccupation
+with his central character. <i>Cecilia's</i> husband, her
+daughters, the home of her early married life, are shown to
+us only by the light of her flashing personality; this withdrawn,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span>they simply cease to exist. On the whole, therefore,
+I should call <i>An Imperfect Mother</i> a highly entertaining
+example of pure intellect, admirable but uninspired, which
+for my own part I enjoyed amazingly.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Though "<span class="sc">E. H. Anstruther</span>" (Mrs. <span class="sc">J. C. Squire</span>) has
+called her latest story <i>The Husband</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) one can hardly
+resist the feeling that this is rather a generous description
+of the central character, who indulged in so much philandering
+with one person or another that it is difficult to regard
+him as more than a husband in, so to speak, his spare time.
+<i>Richard Dennithorne</i>,  I must believe, was a "ladies' man"
+in two senses, since he is undeniably a very womanly conception
+of the all-conquering male, with indeed more than
+a little of <i>Mr. Rochester</i> in his composition. The story
+tells how <i>Penelope</i>, the heroine, comes to live with her
+adopted aunt <i>Margery</i>, of whom <i>Richard</i> was the spouse
+intermittent); how <i>Richard</i>, at the moment absent upon
+amorous affairs, returned, and so fascinated <i>Penelope</i> with
+his masterful ways that she fled to London; how, almost
+immediately after, she
+stultified her precautions,
+but saved the
+plot, by becoming
+<i>Richard's</i> secretary at
+his office in that city;
+and how, finally,
+poor <i>Margery</i> (who
+throughout monopolised
+my sympathy),
+having generously expired,
+<i>Penelope</i> and
+the ex-husband fell
+into each other's arms.
+Of course there is a
+lot more than this
+really, so don't think
+that I have spoilt the
+fun for you. As for
+the quality of the tale,
+this, I fancy, may be
+better appreciated by
+women than men,
+since, as I have hinted,
+its outlook is so essentially feminine. Mrs. <span class="sc">Squire</span> writes
+with sincerity and brings her characters to life. She needs,
+however, to remember that words unwatched are dangerous.
+Such slipshod phrasing as "<i>young</i> muscular <i>youth</i>" must
+grieve the judicious, while the effect of the sentimental
+interview on p. 99 was simply ruined for me through the
+unfortunate suggestion conveyed by "her blood rose <i>in a
+boil</i> to her face." The italics are mine, but the proof-reading
+is (or should have been) the author's.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Miser's Money</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) brings Mr. <span class="sc">Eden Phillpotts</span>
+back to Devonshire, and I wave my little flag to welcome
+him. Of late he has sometimes been a shade too didactic
+for my liking, but here he gives us yet another plain tale of
+his beloved moor, and he is instructive only in showing the
+danger of too much money&mdash;a danger at which most of us
+can in these days afford to smile. The <i>Mortimers</i> were,
+one would have supposed, a clan unlikely to be moved from
+their native soil by anything less convulsive than an
+earthquake. But money did it. One of them was a miser,
+and when he died&mdash;after a terrific gorge at his brother's
+expense&mdash;he left trouble behind him. Some of his relations
+wanted more of his money than was good for their souls,
+and one of them (actually) fought shy of receiving her proper
+share. Altogether a pretty tangle, which was not
+unravelled until the <i>Mortimers</i> had resolved to try new
+pastures. True, they did not go very far, but the disturbing
+influence of money is sufficiently illustrated by
+the fact that it induced such deeply-rooted folk to move at
+all. If the theme of this story is a little sordid it is relieved
+by its treatment from any reproach, and faithful followers
+of the <span class="sc">Phillpotts'</span> trail will enjoy every word of it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>All that we ever hoped&mdash;some day, when the War was
+over&mdash;to hear about those most fascinating mysteries, the
+Tanks, has been put together by Major C. and Mr. <span class="sc">A.
+Williams-Ellis</span>, under the title <i>The Tank Corps</i> (<i>Country
+Life</i> Offices). Here are genuine uncamouflaged pictures of
+all kinds of tanks, with detailed maps and descriptions
+showing their operations, as well as stories not only of
+those that walked in orthodox fashion through enemy
+villages "with the British army cheering behind," but of
+others that disappeared entire in mud, or drove themselves
+unaided back to our lines when too full of gas to be
+occupied, or scrunched up batteries of field-guns, or cruised
+alone for hours, like
+the famous one called
+Musical Box, among
+the enemy's communications,
+or crossed
+vast trenches over
+bundles of faggots
+carried upon their
+backs. Every boy of
+the right kind who
+inherits the proper
+zeal for mechanisms
+will certainly find in
+this book the most
+absorbing of yarns.
+Not that the subject
+is treated in the least
+lightly or frivolously,
+but, since the barest
+truth is here incredible
+romance, the
+authors, soberly collecting
+materials from
+despatches, diaries
+and so on, as well as drawing on their own obvious first-hand
+knowledge, have achieved a fairy-tale of mechanics.
+That the crews were no less wonderful than their machines
+we knew before, but the writers' modest yet illuminating
+account of the difficulties under which they worked is
+none the less welcome.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>If you decide to go on <i>Circuits</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) with Mr.
+<span class="sc">Philip Camborne</span> you will find him an interesting and
+informing companion. His hero and heroine are a Wesleyan
+minister and his wife, so completely out of tune with the
+usual heroes of contemporary fiction that they are actually
+shameless enough to be in love with one another from the
+first page to the last. Though he shows a remarkable
+insight into the lives of Wesleyan ministers, Mr. <span class="sc">Camborne</span>
+declines the popular methods of sectarian fiction and refrains
+from any attempt to proselytize. Instead we are simply
+given a clear and often amusing account of what <i>Mark
+Frazer</i>  had to put up with in his wanderings from circuit
+to circuit. Mr. <span class="sc">Camborne</span> is modern in confining himself to
+the history of a single family, but in outlook he belongs to
+a past century. And I mean that for a compliment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%" src="images/247.png" alt="" /></a><p>UNRECORDED HISTORICAL SCENE.&mdash;ROMULUS HEARS FROM HIS
+CONTRACTOR THAT ROME CANNOT BE BUILT IN A DAY.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Motto for the Wee Frees when attempting to conciliate
+the Labour Party: Lib. and let Lab.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158,  March 31, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22725-h.htm or 22725-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/7/2/22725/
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/22725-h/images/229.png b/22725-h/images/229.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1aef476
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/229.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/231.png b/22725-h/images/231.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b4d773f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/231.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/232.png b/22725-h/images/232.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c9ce5db
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/232.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/233.png b/22725-h/images/233.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b8ac09e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/233.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-1.png b/22725-h/images/235-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..25f9f0f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-1.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-2.png b/22725-h/images/235-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1989f5c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-2.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-3.png b/22725-h/images/235-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1cf48fa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-3.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-4.png b/22725-h/images/235-4.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..72b1e7a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-4.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-5.png b/22725-h/images/235-5.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..16b3646
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-5.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-6.png b/22725-h/images/235-6.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8bc1fd1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-6.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-7.png b/22725-h/images/235-7.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9699f8d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-7.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-8.png b/22725-h/images/235-8.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ffcb648
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-8.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235-9.png b/22725-h/images/235-9.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8ca2648
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235-9.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/235.png b/22725-h/images/235.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4f43db1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/235.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/236.png b/22725-h/images/236.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..90466a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/236.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/237.png b/22725-h/images/237.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9b8fc0e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/237.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/238.png b/22725-h/images/238.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b2afc2a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/238.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/239.png b/22725-h/images/239.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e773ca2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/239.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/240-1.png b/22725-h/images/240-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e2ae9ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/240-1.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/240-2.png b/22725-h/images/240-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..181c812
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/240-2.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/241-1.png b/22725-h/images/241-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..19e5d1c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/241-1.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/241-2.png b/22725-h/images/241-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f7d2062
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/241-2.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/242.png b/22725-h/images/242.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d81b30c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/242.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/243.png b/22725-h/images/243.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8559fdd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/243.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/244.png b/22725-h/images/244.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1fd50aa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/244.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/246.png b/22725-h/images/246.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b6c54c5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/246.png
diff --git a/22725-h/images/247.png b/22725-h/images/247.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5f1ecc6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-h/images/247.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p241-image.png b/22725-page-images/p241-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..433d318
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p241-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p241.png b/22725-page-images/p241.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7562a54
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p241.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p242.png b/22725-page-images/p242.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b56fb42
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p242.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p243-image.png b/22725-page-images/p243-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ec39d09
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p243-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p243.png b/22725-page-images/p243.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4e1210f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p243.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p244-image.png b/22725-page-images/p244-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8bd9d52
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p244-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p244.png b/22725-page-images/p244.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..49794db
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p244.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p245-image.png b/22725-page-images/p245-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b69f06e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p245-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p245.png b/22725-page-images/p245.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..07473df
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p245.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p246.png b/22725-page-images/p246.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b55699b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p246.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p247-image.png b/22725-page-images/p247-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6626300
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p247-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p247.png b/22725-page-images/p247.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1a4a537
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p247.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p248-image.png b/22725-page-images/p248-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1626bfc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p248-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p248.png b/22725-page-images/p248.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..72fbdbe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p248.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p249-image.png b/22725-page-images/p249-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9418605
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p249-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p249.png b/22725-page-images/p249.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8ebdca8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p249.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p250-image.png b/22725-page-images/p250-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..47bffb7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p250-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p250.png b/22725-page-images/p250.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e28d137
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p250.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p251-image.png b/22725-page-images/p251-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..31ae0d0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p251-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p251.png b/22725-page-images/p251.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..402241a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p251.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p252.png b/22725-page-images/p252.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9cf52f9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p252.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p252a-image.png b/22725-page-images/p252a-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6b980f7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p252a-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p252b-image.png b/22725-page-images/p252b-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..667cc17
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p252b-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p253.png b/22725-page-images/p253.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2aca3db
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p253.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p253a-image.png b/22725-page-images/p253a-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..88fa9ef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p253a-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p253b-image.png b/22725-page-images/p253b-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3d402b3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p253b-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p254-image.png b/22725-page-images/p254-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..299a871
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p254-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p254.png b/22725-page-images/p254.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a6aef28
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p254.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p255-image.png b/22725-page-images/p255-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b42a74e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p255-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p255.png b/22725-page-images/p255.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..09810dd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p255.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p256-image.png b/22725-page-images/p256-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e38fd60
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p256-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p256.png b/22725-page-images/p256.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..480bace
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p256.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p257.png b/22725-page-images/p257.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d3c79b0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p257.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p258-image.png b/22725-page-images/p258-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fc5e58c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p258-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p258.png b/22725-page-images/p258.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..343eb90
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p258.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p259-image.png b/22725-page-images/p259-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..be96534
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p259-image.png
diff --git a/22725-page-images/p259.png b/22725-page-images/p259.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..003bc1e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725-page-images/p259.png
diff --git a/22725.txt b/22725.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..542ec33
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2190 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 31, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,  March 31, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2007 [EBook #22725]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+
+March 31, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+We were glad to see that two of our most important Universities were again
+successful in obtaining first and second places in this year's boat-race.
+(As this was written before the race we crave the indulgence of our readers
+if our prophecy should prove incorrect.)
+
+       * * *
+
+Bradford Corporation is selling white collars to its citizens at sixpence
+a-piece. How the Labour Party proposes to combat this subtle form of
+capitalist propaganda is not known.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I have been knocked down twice by the same bus, but fortunately have
+sustained no serious injury," stated a plaintiff at a London police-court
+the other day. The bus in question, we understand, will be given one more
+try, and in the event of failure will be debarred from all further contests
+of the same nature.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Quite a lot of American bacon is being smoked in London," says a news
+item. We are glad they have found a use for it, but at the risk of
+appearing fastidious we must say we much prefer Havannah tobacco.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Variety Artists' Federation has passed a resolution against the
+engagement of Germans in the profession. With yet another avenue of
+industry closed against him General LUDENDORFF is said to be contemplating
+a dignified retirement.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Should uglier husbands have heavier damages?" was a question raised in a
+recent divorce action. The better opinion is that the fact that the ugly
+man must have gone out of his way to get married should tell against him.
+
+       * * *
+
+Signs of Spring are everywhere. A couple of telephone mechanics have made
+their nest on the roof of a house in West Kensington.
+
+       * * *
+
+At Question-Time in the House there was trouble over the pronunciation of
+Bryngwran and Gwalchmai. One of the Welsh Members present said he could
+have played them if he had had his harp with him.
+
+       * * *
+
+Saturday afternoon funerals have been stopped at Bexhill. We are very
+pleased to note this, because if there is one thing which mars the
+enjoyment of the week-end it is being buried.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Hon. JOHN COLLIER will shortly explain why he painted the famous
+picture, "The Fallen Idol." If only some of our minor artists would be
+equally frank.
+
+       * * *
+
+A weekly paper is offering a prize to anybody who discovers the oldest
+living fish. It is just as well that no prize is offered for the oldest
+dead fish.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Large dumps of valuable material which is slowly rotting are to be met all
+along the main road in Northern France to-day," complains a morning paper.
+A responsible Government official now admits that whilst motoring in that
+district last week he noticed that the road was bumpy in places.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is some talk of the Americans having a League of Notions of their
+own.
+
+       * * *
+
+M. CHARLES NORDMANN states that the world will end in ten thousand million
+years. It will be interesting to see if America will refuse to take part in
+this as well.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our horticultural expert informs us that during the next two or three weeks
+all wooden houses should be carefully pruned.
+
+       * * *
+
+The rumour that Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY, M.P., will be asked to design a new
+uniform for the Royal Air Force is without foundation.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is feared that, owing to the sudden appearance of Summer weather last
+week, the POET LAUREATE will once again be obliged to hold over his Spring
+poem.
+
+       * * *
+
+It seems a pity that eight of the nine bricklayers who entered for the
+recent brick-laying contest should have collapsed, allowing the ninth an
+easy walk-over with seven bricks to his credit.
+
+       * * *
+
+Statistics show a remarkable increase in the Welsh birthrate as compared
+with previous years. As usual, nothing is being done about it.
+
+       * * *
+
+There are several ways, says Sir JAMES MACKENZIE, the eminent specialist,
+of tracing heart weakness. One way is to charge the owner of the heart
+seven-and-six for a pound of butter. If he faints he has a weak heart; if
+he pays he is merely weak in the head.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Bill has been introduced in the New York Legislature to confine the
+headlines in murder cases to thirty-six points. The limit for international
+headliners is still fourteen points.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Government, says a contemporary, is about to start growing tobacco in
+Norfolk. Whether it is to be sold as Coalition Mixture or Carlton Club has
+not yet been decided.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Royal Academy have issued a notice that frames other than gilt will be
+admissible this year. Many people, it is thought, who never felt attracted
+by the old-fashioned gilt frames will now visit the exhibition.
+
+       * * *
+
+An auctioneer's clerk has been summoned for throwing a bun at a railway
+buffet waitress. It was a thoughtless thing to do. He might have broken it.
+
+       * * *
+
+We have just heard of a Scottish engineer who has decided to strike out
+along novel lines. Although only twenty-two years of age he has arranged to
+settle down in Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Taxi-Driver_ (_who has been paid the correct fare_).
+"YOU'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING, GOV'NOR."
+
+_Fare._ "WHAT IS IT?"
+
+_Taxi-Driver._ "YOUR ADDRESS. I MIGHT WANT ANOTHER MASCOT SOME DAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a fashion-advertisement:--
+
+     "PARIS MOVES THE WAIST-LINE."
+
+     _American Paper._
+
+But it is believed that the young man's strong right arm will succeed in
+rediscovering it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SUMMER-TIME"
+
+(_with some moral reflections_).
+
+  To-day I left my downy lair
+    An hour before my wont;
+  But do I consequently wear
+    An unctuous smile? I don't.
+  If with the early lark's ascent
+    I soared from out my bed, it
+  Is to an Act of Parliament
+    That I must give the credit.
+
+  When I escape, in butter's dearth,
+    The fault of waxing fat,
+  Calmly I view my modest girth
+    And take no praise for that;
+  Not mine the glory when my soul
+    Abjures its ruling passion;
+  'Tis his, the lord of Food-control,
+    Who fixed my sugar-ration.
+
+  Hampered by regulations for
+    The chastisement of crime--
+  Arson and theft and marrying more
+    Than one wife at a time--
+  I like to feel some sins there be
+    For which the law can't hurt you,
+  In whose regard your heart is free
+    To follow vice or virtue.
+
+  Of one temptation I rejoice
+    Especially to think,
+  That leaves me loose to take my choice--
+    My reference is to DRINK;
+  Here, where as yet no rules apply
+    By Pussyfeet dictated,
+  The merit's mine whenever I
+    Am not inebriated.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERSONAL ELEMENT AT A MOTOR SHOW.
+
+Not to be outdone by Olympia we have just held a motor show in our
+provincial Town Hall. What though the motoring magazines, obese with the
+rich diet of advertisement, grew no fatter in its honour, it was at least
+the most successful social function we have known since the War began. The
+Town Hall externally was magnificent with flags by day and coloured lamps
+by night, and within was a blaze of bunting and greenstuff. The band of the
+Free Shepherds played popular music, and the luncheon and tea rooms were
+the scene of most delightful little gatherings. Besides all this, quite a
+number of cars were to be found amongst the decorations.
+
+Nearly every demobilised officer in the county seems to have taken up an
+agency for a car or two, and bought himself spats on the strength of a
+prospective fortune. Jimmy Wrigley and I are amongst them. Wrigley in the
+Great War was M.T., R.A.S.C., and knows so much about cars that he can tell
+the make of lamps from the track of the tyres; while I was a cavalryman and
+know so little that I judge Jimmy's cleverness only by other people's
+incredulity. On our stand at the show we exhibited two cars, which, as I
+carefully learned beforehand from the book of the words, were a Byng-Beatty
+and a Tanglefoot, these being the cars for which we are what they call
+concessionaires. (The _bat_ is tricky, but one picks it up loafing about
+garages.)
+
+As a rule Jimmy and I do the correspondence between us--Jimmy contributing
+the technique and I the punctuation; but for the three days of the show his
+cousin Sheila volunteered to preside at a dainty little table and make
+jottings of our orders. Sheila is always ornamental, and as we had the
+stand draped to tone with her hair, and she wore a dress which harmonized
+like soft music with the pale heliotrope of the Tanglefoot's body-work, our
+display was a magnet from the word "Go."
+
+And then on the morning of the opening day Jimmy went down with his Lake
+Doiran malaria and left me to it!
+
+I am as brave as most people, but this calamity unmanned me. "Sheila," I
+said to a pair of pitying grey eyes, as the crowd, having heard the show
+declared open, massed about our stand--"Sheila, the situation is desperate.
+These people will ask me about the cars. They will expect me to answer them
+intelligently, and it's no use in the world talking horse to them--I can
+see that from their sordid looks. I shall disappear. You can say I have
+gone out on a trial run, which won't be a lie, only an understatement. And
+you can just hand them out the little books and let them paw the varnish.
+Silence will be better than anything I could say. Probably it is better
+than what any conscientious man could say about the Tanglefoot."
+
+"I'll carry on, Nobby," said Sheila. "You go and buy buns for Miss
+Hurdlewing, and be happy. Fly! here's a purchaser."
+
+Sheila's whisper dispersed me into the crowd and I strolled away, while she
+bestowed a smile and a specification pamphlet on the first of the crowd to
+step on to our stand.
+
+I found it impossible to keep away for long. Sheila looked so well against
+the heliotrope Tanglefoot limousine that I had to go back to look at her.
+
+The stand was surrounded by a throng, hushed and breathless with interest.
+Sheila was talking volubly. Hardened motorists listened with their mouths
+open; zealots, feverish to expend their excess profits on motoring because
+it was a novelty and expensive, stood spell-bound; a rival agent drank in
+her words with tears in his eyes--tears for his old innocence--and his
+cheek flushed with a sudden and splendid determination to amalgamate with
+our firm.
+
+"This chassis, gentlemen," Sheila was saying, with a glance towards the
+Byng-Beatty, "has the most exclusive features. The torque-tube being fitted
+with an automatic lighter, it is possible to change tyres without leaving
+your seat; while by a simple adjustment of the universal joint the car will
+take any reasonable obstacle gracefully and without any inconvenience to
+the occupants. The clutch is of the Alabama type. This new pattern created
+a great sensation at Olympia, owing to the ease with which it permits even
+the amateur driver to convert the present body into a _char-a-banc_ or a
+tipping-waggon. The hood is reversible, so that passengers may be sheltered
+from the wind when the car runs backwards. In the rear of the boot,
+concealed by a door flush with the panels, is an EINSTEIN parachute, by
+means of which a passenger may leave the car before an imminent accident or
+when tired of the company."
+
+I could not move; I did not want to either; and I certainly dared not
+interrupt.
+
+"The Tanglefoot," continued Sheila, while a sigh of sheer rapture rose from
+the crowd, "is pre-eminently the car for a medical man or pushful
+undertaker. No horn is supplied, though this will be fitted if desired. The
+car is not cheap, but properly used will soon repay itself. Amongst the
+accessories supplied with the standard chassis I should like to call your
+attention to the collapsible game-bag and landing-net."
+
+This went on for a long, long time, and I stayed till a man in the crowd
+recognised me and showed symptoms of coming out of his trance. I fled, and
+returned only at the luncheon interval.
+
+"Sheila," I said--"Sheila, this may be fun for you, but James Wrigley and I
+may sing in the streets to pay for it."
+
+"You great stupid"--her eyes were sparking as she spoke--"I've booked more
+orders than you will be able to carry out before you've learned wisdom.
+Look!" It was practically a nominal roll of the local capitalists that she
+showed me. "Nobody believes what you say about a car, so you can say what
+you like. The thing is to get it noticed."
+
+"Did they study these cars much before they let you take their names?"
+
+Sheila looked into my eyes and laughed happily.
+
+W. K. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Eccentric Advertisers.
+
+     "Youth Wanted to Strike."
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DACHSWOLF.
+
+FRITZ (_doubtfully_). "GOOD DOG--IF YOU STILL _ARE_ A DOG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH, AUNTIE, 'ZYMOTIC' _IS_ A FUNNY WORD FOR YOU TO BE SO
+FOND OF."
+
+"MY DEAR CHILD, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
+
+"WELL, DADDY SAID YOU WERE VERY FOND OF THE LAST WORD, SO I LOOKED IT UP IN
+THE DICTIONARY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ABOUT BATHROOMS.
+
+Of all the beautiful things which are to be seen in shop windows perhaps
+the most beautiful are those luxurious baths in white enamel, hedged round
+with attachments and conveniences in burnished metal. Whenever I see one of
+them I stand and covet it for a long time. Yet even these super-baths fall
+far short of what a bath should be; and as for the perfect bathroom I
+question if anyone has even imagined it.
+
+The whole attitude of modern civilisation to the bathroom is wrong. Why,
+for one thing, is it always the smallest and barest room in the house? The
+Romans understood these things; we don't. I have never yet been in a
+bathroom which was big enough to do my exercises in without either breaking
+the light or barking my knuckles against a wall. It ought to be a _big_
+room and opulently furnished. There ought to be pictures in it, so that one
+could lie back and contemplate them--a picture of troops going up to the
+trenches, and another picture of a bus-queue standing in the rain, and
+another picture of a windy day with some snow in it. Then one would really
+enjoy one's baths.
+
+And there ought to be rich rugs in it and profound chairs; one would walk
+about in bare feet on the rich rugs while the bath was running; and one
+would sit in the profound chairs while drying the ears.
+
+The fact is, a bathroom ought to be equipped for comfort, like a
+drawing-room, a good, full, velvety room; and as things are it is solely
+equipped for singing. In the drawing-room, where we want to sing, we put so
+many curtains and carpets and things that most of us can't sing at all; and
+then we wonder that there is no music in England. Nothing is more maddening
+than to hear several men refusing to join in a simple chorus after dinner,
+when you know perfectly well that every one of them has been singing in a
+high tenor in his bath before dinner. We all know the reason, but we don't
+take the obvious remedy. The only thing to do is to take all the furniture
+out of the drawing-room and put it in the bathroom--all except the piano
+and a few cane chairs. Then we shouldn't have those terrible noises in the
+early morning, and in the evening everybody would be a singer. I suppose
+that is what they do in Wales.
+
+But if we cannot make the bathroom what it ought to be, the supreme and
+perfect shrine of the supreme moment of the day, the one spot in the house
+on which no expense or trouble is spared, we can at least bring the bath
+itself up to date. I don't now, as I did, lay much stress on having a bath
+with fifteen different taps. I once stayed in a house with a bath like
+that. There was a hot tap and a cold tap, and hot sea-water and cold
+sea-water, and PLUNGE and SPRAY and SHOWER and WAVE and FLOOD, and one or
+two more. To turn on the top tap you had to stand on a step-ladder, and
+they were all very highly polished. I was naturally excited by this, and an
+hour before it was time to dress for dinner I slunk upstairs and hurried
+into the bathroom and locked myself in and turned on all the taps at once.
+It was strangely disappointing. The sea-water was mythical. Many of the
+taps refused to function at the same time as any other, and the only two
+which were really effective were WAVE and FLOOD. WAVE shot out a thin jet
+of boiling water which caught me in the chest, and FLOOD filled the bath
+with cold water long before it could be identified and turned off.
+
+No, taps are not of the first importance, though, properly polished, they
+look well. But no bath is complete without one of those attractive bridges
+or trays where one puts the sponges and the soap. Conveniences like that
+are a direct stimulus to washing. The first time I met one I washed myself
+all over two or three times simply to make the most of knowing where the
+soap was. Now and then, in fact, in a sort of bravado I deliberately lost
+it, so as to be able to catch it again and put it back in full view on the
+tray. You can also rest your feet on the tray when you are washing them,
+and so avoid cramp.
+
+Again, I like a bathroom where there is an electric bell just above the
+bath, which you can ring with the big toe. This is for use when one has
+gone to sleep in the bath and the water has frozen, or when one has begun
+to commit suicide and thought better of it. Apart from these two occasions
+it can be used for Morsing instructions about breakfast to the
+cook--supposing you have a cook. And if you haven't a cook a little
+bell-ringing in the basement does no harm.
+
+But the most extraordinary thing about the modern bath is that there is no
+provision for shaving in it. Shaving in the bath I regard as the last word
+in systematic luxury. But in the ordinary bath it is very difficult. There
+is nowhere to put anything. There ought to be a kind of shaving tray
+attached to every bath, which you could swing in on a flexible arm,
+complete with mirror and soap and strop, new blades and shaving-papers and
+all the other confounded paraphernalia. Then, I think, shaving would be
+almost tolerable, and there wouldn't be so many of these horrible beards
+about.
+
+The same applies to smoking. It is incredible that to-day in the twentieth
+century there should be no recognised way of disposing of a cigarette-end
+in the bath. Personally I only smoke pipes in the bath, but it is
+impossible to find a place in which to deposit even a pipe so that it will
+not roll off into the water. But I have a brother-in-law who smokes cigars
+in the bath, a disgusting habit. I have often wondered where he hid the
+ends, and I find now that he has made a _cache_ of them in the gas-ring of
+the geyser. One day the ash will get into the burners and then the geyser
+will explode.
+
+Next door to the shaving and smoking tray should be the book-rest. I don't
+myself do much reading in the bath, but I have several sisters-in-law who
+keep on coming to stay, and they all do it. Few things make the leaves of a
+book stick together so easily as being dropped in a hot bath, so they had
+better have a book-rest; and if they go to sleep I shall set in motion my
+emergency waste mechanism, by which the bath can be emptied in malice from
+outside.
+
+Another of my inventions is the Progress Indicator. It works like the
+indicators outside lifts, which show where the lift is and what it is
+doing. My machine shows what stage the man inside has reached--the washing
+stage or the merely wallowing stage, or the drying stage, or the exercises
+stage. It shows you at a glance whether it is worth while to go back to bed
+or whether it is time to dig yourself in on the mat. The machine is
+specially suitable for hotels and large country houses where you can't find
+out by hammering on the door and asking, because nobody takes any notice.
+
+When you have properly fitted out the bathroom on these lines all that
+remains is to put the telephone in and have your meals there; or rather to
+have your meals there and not put the telephone in. It must still remain
+the one room where a man is safe from that.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "I SEE THE NEW CURATE HAS CALLED. WHAT IS HE
+LIKE, SMITHERS?"
+
+_Butler_ (_who had noticed that the Curate was dressed for golf_). "HE HAD
+THE APPEARANCE, MY LADY, OF BEING OUT OF 'OLY ORDERS FOR THE DAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATIONAL COAL.
+
+A great deal of nonsense is being talked about our coal-mines. I should
+like therefore to throw a little helpful light on the subject of
+nationalisation. Speaking as an owner and not as a miner (I have at the
+present moment at least six coals and a pound or two of assorted mineral
+rubbish), I want to consider some of the pros and cons of this debatable
+proposition. I take it, first of all, that we shall pay for our coal along
+with our taxes and in proportion to our income. This will come rather hard,
+of course, on the kind of people who insist on warming their rooms with
+three large electric vegetable marrows, or by means of a number of small
+skeletons pickled in gas. But such people will no doubt be able to claim
+rebates, and rebating is one of the most healthy and instructive of our
+British parlour games. Let us pass on, then, to the means of distribution.
+
+I greatly doubt whether under State organisation the practice of opening up
+those romantic and circular caverns in the middle of the pavement and
+suddenly filling our cellars with smoke, rain and thunder will be allowed
+to continue. Rather, I expect, at the moment when John Postman pushes the
+budget of bills through the slit in the front-door, William Coalman,
+walking along the roof, will be dropping a couple of Derby Brights, in the
+mode of Santa Claus, down the chimney. This will get over the basement
+trouble, and deliveries of course will occur frequently, if irregularly,
+throughout the day at such times as the Government consider them to be
+necessary for making up the fire.
+
+But whatever happens about deliveries the Inspector of Grates will be an
+infernal nuisance. Nothing makes a man more unpopular than interference in
+a quarrel between husband and wife, and I imagine that there will be many
+little suburban tragedies like the following:--
+
+     SCENE.--_A Kensington drawing-room._ Mr. _and_ Mrs. Smith _are
+     discovered shivering over the fire_.
+
+_Mr. Smith._ No, no. Not like that at all. You must break up that big lump
+first.
+
+_Mrs. Smith_ (_coldly_). This is the way my mother taught me to make up
+fires.
+
+_Mr. Smith._ Your mother! Ha!
+
+     [_Snatches the poker from her hand._
+
+_Mary_ (_entering_). The Coal Inspector has called.
+
+_Enter_ Coal Inspector.
+
+     _Taking the poker from_ Mr. Smith's _nerveless grasp, with three
+     vicious thrusts he assassinates the already moribund fire. They watch
+     him with faces of horror. As he turns to go they glance at each other,
+     and with a simultaneous impulse seize the tongs and shovel and strike
+     him with all their strength on the back of the head._
+
+Mr. Smith _rings the bell. Enter Mary._
+
+_Mr. Smith._ Please sweep that up.
+
+     [_She does so. He takes up the poker and resumes the altercation._
+
+But let us turn again to the brighter side of things. Nothing fills a
+house-holder with such deep pleasure as a legitimate grievance against the
+Government on minor counts, especially when such grievances are properly
+ventilated in the daily Press. Thus:--
+
+MORE GOVERNMENT CARELESSNESS.
+
+SPARK FALLS ON A HEARTHRUG AT CROYDON.
+
+Or
+
+PRIME MINISTER ENCOURAGES PNEUMONIA.
+
+FIRE GOES OUT AT PONDER'S END.
+
+These are specimens of the headlines we may confidently expect, and little
+forms like the following will be found in the more popular dailies:--
+
+     PROTEST TO YOUR M.P.
+
+     I protest against the continued refusal of my fire to burn up, for
+     which Government maladministration is responsible. I urge you to do
+     all in your power to see that a warm ruddy glow is cast continually
+     over my dining-room. The men, women and children of your constituency
+     will judge you at the next election by your action in this matter.
+
+And then there is the question of the miscellaneous material which is now
+being supplied in the name of coal, especially those large flat pieces of
+excellent slate. As things are now I often wonder that the miners don't
+make use of them for propaganda purposes. Chalked manifestoes such as--
+
+     We demand forty-four shillings more a ton, a five-hour week and
+     control of the mines
+
+would do much to convert the armchair critic as he digs about in the
+scuttle. When we get our coal from the State, however, we shall, of course,
+carefully set apart these sections of slate, wrap them in brown-paper and
+send them by parcel post to the nearest elementary school, with a note to
+say there must have been an inter-departmental error.
+
+From State coal too it will only be a step to State firewood, and we know
+from the papers what lots the Government has of that. Army huts, tables,
+bed-boards, trestles, aeroplanes, railway trucks--there is no end to it
+all. And underneath the firewood, of course, carefully packed, comes the
+daily newspaper itself. There can be little doubt that, once they have
+obtained a grip of coal and kindling-wood, the Government will proceed to
+nationalise the Press.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REDS AND DARK BLUES.
+
+     [Mr. R. H. TAWNEY and Mr. G. D. H. COLE, both Oxford Fellows,
+     represent academic intellectualism _in excelsis_ at the G.H.Q. of
+     Labour.]
+
+  Only a simpleton or sawney
+  Falls short in reverence for TAWNEY;
+  Only the man without a soul
+  Disputes the kingliness of COLE.
+
+  Labour, no longer gross and brawny,
+  Finds its true hierophant in TAWNEY;
+  And, freed from all save Guild Control,
+  Attains its apogee in COLE.
+
+  Proud Prelates in their vestments lawny
+  Quail at the heresies of TAWNEY;
+  And prostrate Dukes in anguish roll,
+  Scared by the scrutiny of COLE.
+
+  The Nabob quits his brandy-pawnee
+  To listen to the lore of TAWNEY;
+  The plain beer-drinker bans the bowl,
+  Weaned by the witchery of COLE.
+
+  Students however slack or yawny
+  Grow tense beneath the spell of TAWNEY;
+  Footballers score goal after goal,
+  Trained in the principles of COLE.
+
+  The shrimp grows positively prawny
+  On list'ning to the voice of TAWNEY;
+  While upward shoots the blindest mole
+  Beneath the airy tread of COLE.
+
+  There's something thrilling--Colleen-Bawny--
+  About the articles of TAWNEY;
+  And no one can so grandly toll
+  The knell of Capital as COLE.
+
+  As Cornwall rallied to TRELAWNY
+  So Labour rallies to its TAWNEY;
+  And miners find a "better 'ole"
+  Provided by the creed of COLE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Our evening congregations have more than doubled in two months. _Sans
+     Deo!_"
+
+     _Parish Magazine._
+
+We don't wonder that two foreign languages were required to veil this
+shocking observation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a feuilleton ("dramatic, kinema and all other rights secured"):--
+
+     "So he just shook hands all round, and took off his coat, and lit a
+     cigar, and laughed when Betty Cardon pointed out that he had put the
+     wrong end of it in his mouth."--_Daily Paper._
+
+This incident should "film" well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOULD AUTHORS PUBLISH THEIR OWN PORTRAITS?
+
+     [Mr. Punch herewith disclaims all intention of quoting the title of
+     any actual book.]
+
+[Illustration: "A LATTER-DAY LOTHARIO."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE YOUNG CHARMERS."]
+
+[Illustration: "MY LIFE-WORK IN THE
+SLUMS."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE WOMAN WITH A PURPLE PAST."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE LYRE OF LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "HALF-HOURS WITH BUNYAN."]
+
+[Illustration: "COURT LIFE FROM THE INSIDE."]
+
+[Illustration: "STAGE DEPORTMENT FOR AMATEURS."]
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT PHYSICAL CULTURE HAS
+DONE FOR ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+"MY DEAR MISS MONTEITH, COULDN'T YOU GIVE US A MORE APPROPRIATE EXPRESSION?
+DON'T FORGET YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STEPPING FROM THE TOP OF ONE SKY-SCRAPER
+TO ANOTHER, SO DO TRY AND LOOK JUST A LITTLE PEEVISH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASIDE ISSUES.
+
+"This summer," said Suzanne, "we must take the bull by the forelock."
+
+"Dearest wife," I cried, "at your age you must not dream of joining in such
+dangerous sports. Besides I don't think the summer is quite the season for
+Spain."
+
+"Who's talking about Spain? And what is this insinuation about my age? But
+a few short years have sped since you took me from the schoolroom----"
+
+"Where you _would_ mix up the proverbs in your copy-book. But let us get
+back to our starting-point; what exactly is it you meditate doing this
+summer--if any?"
+
+"Taking the children to the seaside, of course; and, as I said, we must
+make our arrangements well in advance, otherwise we shall get left, as we
+did last year, and have to put up with lodgings in Margate."
+
+"Have you any particular place in view?" I asked.
+
+"No. But it must have a nice sandy beach for Barbara, and must not be too
+bracing for Baby, and there must be one or two caves dotted about, and a
+snug little harbour with a dear old fisherman who can take you sailing,
+and--oh, and we'll bask on the shore all day and watch the ripples dancing
+in the sun----"
+
+"And hear the starfish calling to his mate," I extemporised.
+
+"And we'll live a life of freedom in a corner by ourselves," she continued
+with a disconcerting change of metre into which I could not hope to follow
+her. But her words gave me an idea.
+
+"I do believe," I said, "I know the exact spot you're pining for.
+To-morrow, something tells me, is Saturday. On Saturday I down tools at
+twelve. Meet me on the weighing-machine at Victoria Cross a quarter after
+noon and I will show you the place you seek."
+
+"The man's a marvel," said Suzanne. "What frocks shall I pack for the
+week-end?"
+
+"We return before nightfall," I replied.
+
+Next day I sought Suzanne at the appointed hour and station. She had taken
+my words literally and was steadfastly occupying the automatic weighing
+machine, with her back impassively turned upon an indignant youth who was
+itching to gamble a penny on the chance of guessing his avoirdupois.
+Quietly I crept behind her and placed a coin in the slot, simultaneously
+pressing my foot upon the platform. Suzanne gazed with mingled horror and
+fascination at the mounting indicator, and at sixteen stone jumped off with
+a gasp on to my disengaged foot. For a few moments I could have believed
+that the machine had recorded the truth.
+
+When we had both regained our composure Suzanne inquired if I had got the
+tickets. The moment for enlightenment had arrived.
+
+I led her to a hoarding and placed her in front of a poster which depicted
+a most alluring seaside resort. The sea was of the royalest blue, the sands
+were a rich 22-carat; there was a cave in the left foreground, a
+gaily-striped tent on the right, and a tiny harbour with yacht attached in
+the middle distance; and, with the exception of a lady escaped from a
+lingerie advertisement whom vandal hands had pasted on the scene, the sole
+occupants of this coastal Paradise were a gentleman in over-tailored
+flannels, red blazer and Guards' tie who was dancing a Bacchanale with a
+bath-towel, a small boy who was apparently fleeing from his parent's
+frenzy, and a smaller girl, mostly sun-bonnet, who was nursing a
+jelly-fish. Beneath the picture was the legend, "You Can Let Yourself Go at
+Giddyville."
+
+I looked anxiously at Suzanne as she surveyed this masterpiece.
+
+"Well," I said at last, "isn't that the place of your dreams? It's all
+practically as you described it last night, and you will observe that it's
+by no means overcrowded."
+
+"But what objectionable children!" said Suzanne. "I shouldn't at all care
+for Barbara to mix with them; and jelly-fish sting. Besides, that boat
+doesn't look at all safe, and the man's a bounder in every sense of the
+word. What's this other place?"
+
+I was disappointed, and considered Suzanne's criticism superficial in the
+extreme. The next pictures showed an emerald sea and pink shore, two piers,
+a flock of aeroplanes, and a structure that combined the characteristic
+features of the Eiffel Tower and the Albert Memorial. One suspected a herd
+of minstrels in the distance, but here again the beach was remarkably and
+invitingly uncongested. A solitary barefooted maiden communing with a
+crustacean rather caught my fancy, but it didn't need the angle of
+Suzanne's nose to tell me that "Puddlesey for Pleasure" was a wash-out;
+frankly, it was too good to believe that all the holiday-makers but one
+were content to patronise either the piers or the aeroplanes or the hidden
+attractions of the architectural outrage, and to leave the beach so
+desirably vacant.
+
+We passed over in eloquent silence a couple of lurid _affiches_ which
+declared that "Exhampton Is So Exhilarating" (a middle-aged person in
+side-whiskers and a purple bathing-suit attempting to drown his unfortunate
+wife), and that "Rooksea Will Restore the Roses" (a fragile young woman in
+a deck-chair being nourished out of a box of chocolates by a sentimental
+ass whose attire proclaimed him a member of the local concert party). The
+next scene to engage our attention was much more simple in its appeal and
+striking in its effect. The sea was neither so blatantly blue nor so
+vividly green as the other seas had been; the beach was but normally
+sandy-hued, and there was a delicious little fellow, clad in nothing much
+except seaweed, who was splashing himself with great seriousness in the
+middle of a shining pool. Again that amazing absence of the seaside crowd;
+but somehow or other this picture seemed to ring true. There were no piers
+or other "attractions," and to souls that shunned such delights the _aura_
+of the place was extremely sympathetic, A single glance sufficed to
+determine us both.
+
+"Quick!" said Suzanne with a catch in her breath. "What's the place
+called?"
+
+Alas! where the legend should have appeared was an ugly gap. The picture
+had been badly torn in its most vital part, and nothing was there to reveal
+the identity of that magic spot where that delightfully real and really
+delightful baby boy had been caught by the camera of the publicity agent.
+Hurriedly we sought the Inquiry Bureau, but no answer could be obtained to
+Suzanne's incoherent questionings. We have since written to various
+agencies, but in vain; nor, strangely enough, in spite of much searching,
+have we ever seen the poster exhibited anywhere else.
+
+Suzanne, however, who has not given up her sanguine interest in the sport
+of bull-baiting, is still intent on taking time by the horns and getting in
+before the rush. She has just compiled a list of "likely" places (selected
+for the most part because she likes the sound of their names), to which we
+are apparently to pay week-end visits of exploration. I have calculated
+that long before we come to the end of these expeditions the summer--if
+any--will be over. Whether we shall ever find the land of our hearts'
+desire is, as the bull himself said, a toss-up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shopman._ "AMMONIA? AY, I HAE AMMONIA, BUT THE STOPPER'S
+OOT AN' THE GUIDNESS GANE."
+
+_Customer._ "WELL, HAVE YOU BENZINE?"
+
+_Shopman._ "BENZINE? AY, I HAE BENZINE, BUT THE STOPPER'S IN AN' I CANNA
+GET IT OOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No More "Feed the Brute."
+
+     "The speaker advised the women not to go in for pastry politics, but
+     to be good suffragettes, working only for the benefit of their
+     sex."--_South African Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is now announced that the America Cup defender, as well as the
+     challenger, will be steered by an amateur helmsman, Mr. Charles Adams,
+     of Boston, having undertaken the duty."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We congratulate Mr. ADAMS on his impartiality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BULLDOG BREED.
+
+_Sportsman_ (_whose opponent has just achieved the hole in one_). "THIS FOR
+A HALF!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPRING SONG.
+
+     [A daily paper states that very few housewives will be able to indulge
+     in the luxury of Spring cleaning this year owing to the enormous
+     increase in the cost of materials and labour.]
+
+                        Sing!
+          I will make me a song about Spring;
+  I will write with delight of the brightness in store;
+  I will sing of a Spring never dreamed of before,
+  A Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,
+  A season of reason, a Spring without cleaning,
+  A Spring without painters, a Spring without pain,
+  A Spring that for once will not drive me insane.
+  I lift up my voice and rejoice at this thing,
+              This excellent Spring.
+
+                        Di
+          Will in all probability cry;
+  She will rave at the news and refuse with disgust;
+  She will say that she _must_ have a thrust at the dust;
+          But I know what I'm saying,
+            We've got to go slow;
+          We _can't_ go on paying--
+            Spring-cleaning must go.
+  It's the knell of the mop and the doom of the broom;
+  We cannot afford to do even one room;
+  If she wants her own way I shall say with a frown,
+  "It's too dear, and I fear, until prices come down,
+  We must try and deny ourselves this little thing."
+              Magnificent Spring!
+
+                        I'm
+          Going to have a delectable time;
+  Though in previous years I've been hustled about,
+  And they've driven me mad till I had to go out,
+  Without flurry or worry this year I shall stay
+  And know just where to look for my book ev'ry day;
+          It's the finest of schemes;
+            It's a blessing, a miracle;
+          Spring of my dreams,
+            I can't _help_ growing lyrical
+  Over this quite unbelievable thing--
+              Glorious Spring!
+
+                        This
+          Is a song of unqualified bliss;
+  I have never sung quite such a song in my life;
+  I have nothing but jeers for the tears of my wife;
+  She may moan, she may groan, she may weep and grow wild,
+  But the Spring shall remain undisturbed, undefiled,
+  Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,
+  Spring as it ought to be, Spring without cleaning;
+              Halcyon days!
+              Oh, let us raise
+  Shouts of thanksgiving and paeans of praise.
+  Join me, O men. Bound the world let it ring--
+            _Exquisite_ Spring!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The Town Clerk said that Kilkenny coal, or coal raised elsewhere in
+     Ireland, was uncontrollable."--_Irish Paper._
+
+Like most other things in that country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "CUSTOMERS IN LONDON.--Hardly creditable, yet true; we satisfy them;
+     let us satisfy you. ---- Laundry."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+On the contrary, we think it most creditable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OCCASIONAL COMRADES.
+
+MR. ASQUITH. "AS I WAS SAYING THE OTHER DAY, 'THERE ARE MANY ROADS WE CAN
+TRAVEL SIDE BY SIDE.' THIS IS ONE OF THEM."
+
+LABOUR. "AH! AND AS YOU WERE ALSO SAYING ON VARIOUS OTHER OCCASIONS--'WAIT
+AND SEE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IT IS UNDERSTOOD THAT MR. NEIL MACLEAN AND MR. DAN IRVING
+HAVE DECIDED TO BOYCOTT THE HAIR-CUTTING INDUSTRY PENDING ITS
+NATIONALISATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Addison Bird._ "BEAUTIFUL SPRING WEATHER, JOHN."
+
+_John Bullfinch._ "YES, MY DEAR. BUT YOU DON'T SERIOUSLY MEAN TO START
+BUILDING--WHAT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, March 22nd._--As if the condition of Ireland were not bad enough,
+Mr. CLEM EDWARDS sought to make our flesh creep by asking whether the
+Government had information that risings had been planned for Easter Monday,
+not only in that country but in Liverpool, Manchester and Glasgow as well.
+The PRIME MINISTER declined to answer the question, and was manifestly
+relieved when Mr. JACK JONES, with great tact, changed the subject by
+asking if a white blackbird had been caught that morning on Hackney
+Marshes.
+
+Lord WINTERTON and the other "Young Turks" were again inquisitive about the
+suppressed report of the alleged Greek outrages at Smyrna, until Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE put an end to the catechism with the remark that "Even Christians
+are entitled to a fair trial."
+
+Chafing under the accusation that the trade unions are largely responsible
+for preventing ex-Service men from obtaining employment the Labour Party
+pressed the PRIME MINISTER to produce his evidence. To-day they got it, in
+stacks. All the unions, in principle, are in favour of training disabled
+men, but in practice most of them require that a workman shall have worked
+at his craft for from three to six years before being admitted to their
+ranks. "You have fought for us, but you shall not work for us" is their
+attitude.
+
+On the Army Estimates Sir SAMUEL SCOTT pleaded for the formation of an
+Imperial General Staff. Even in peace-time there were plenty of problems to
+be solved. We should never be really at peace, moreover, so long as there
+were tribes on our frontiers who looked upon war as an amusement and a
+pastime, "as hon. Members look upon golf." Surely this is to underestimate
+the devotion of our earnest golfers. Judging by the condition of the links
+on Sunday I should say some of them look upon it as a religion.
+
+Mr. NEIL MACLEAN pretended not to understand why we wanted an army at all.
+Was not the last war "a war to end war"? But his main point--in which he
+will be surprised to find many quite respectable people agreeing with
+him--is that it should not be officered from one class. Mr. MACLEAN is not
+so revolutionary as he thinks himself. The most insurgent thing about him
+is his hair, and even that is not more rebellious than Mr. DAN IRVING'S.
+
+_Tuesday, March 23rd._--Lord PEEL was evidently surprised at the amount of
+opposition encountered by the Silver Coinage Bill. Having a specimen of the
+new shilling in his pocket he himself was feeling particularly bobbish, and
+could not understand the gloomy vaticinations of Lord BUCKMASTER and Lord
+SALISBURY as to what might happen in West Africa and elsewhere if we
+depreciated our currency. But his usual self-confidence so far deserted him
+that he confessed that he could not "answer for the whole of the British
+Empire at a moment's notice."
+
+The LORD CHANCELLOR refused to accept Lord BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH'S proposal
+to abolish the D.O.R.A. regulation forbidding the sale of confectionery in
+theatres, on the ground that it would be unfair to the ordinary shops to
+allow this competition, and that the business of the theatre was to supply
+drama not chocolate. Lord BALFOUR was unconvinced. His imagination boggled
+at the thought of a Scotsman, at any rate, paying for a seat in a theatre
+in order to purchase a shilling's worth of "sweeties."
+
+The House of Commons has a childlike sense of humour. There is nothing that
+it enjoys more than to have a Minister struggling with the pronunciation of
+some outlandish place-name. When, therefore, Mr. ILLINGWORTH, posed with
+the deficiencies of the mail service to Bryngwran and Gwalchmai, made a
+gallant but ineffectual effort to get over the first obstacle and evaded
+the second by calling it "the other place," Members roared with delighted
+laughter.
+
+In the further debate on the Army Estimates a good deal was said about the
+unfortunate events in Ireland. Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR had the grace to withdraw
+some of the unfortunate insinuations against the conduct of the British
+soldiers into which he had been betrayed the day before, but Messrs.
+KENWORTHY and MALONE repeated them with additions of their own, and
+incurred thereby a castigation from Mr. CHURCHILL which the House cordially
+approved.
+
+The Coal Mines (Emergency) Bill was read a third time. On behalf of the
+Labour Party, Mr. ADAMSON declared that the profits of the coal industry
+must be "pooled"--a proposition which would command general approval if
+there seemed any likelihood that consumers would receive a share of the
+pool.
+
+_Wednesday, March 24th._--Since DISRAELI startled a scientific meeting by
+declaring himself to be "on the side of the angels" there has been no more
+remarkable piece of self-revelation than Lord BIRKENHEAD'S defence of the
+Matrimonial Causes Bill. It was not so much his wealth of ecclesiastical
+lore or the impassioned appeal that he made for the victims of the present
+divorce law that impressed the Peers as the high line that he took in
+condemning the opponents of the measure. He as good as told the occupants
+of the Episcopal Bench that their view of marriage was lacking in
+spirituality. The Archbishop of CANTERBURY was so dumbfounded by the
+accusation that he meekly confessed himself unable to follow the LORD
+CHANCELLOR'S religious arguments. Lord SALISBURY displayed more pugnacity
+in a reassertion of views that had been described as "mediaeval
+superstition." But the Peers preferred the Use of Birkenhead to the Use of
+Sarum, and gave the Bill a Second Reading by a two-to-one majority.
+
+In the course of the debate Lord BUCKMASTER expressed his regret that so
+effective an orator as the Archbishop of YORK should have deserted the Law
+for the Church. After this afternoon's display I could not help wondering
+what would have happened if "F. E.'s" call had been to the Church instead
+of the Bar, and whether a shovel-hat would not have suited him even better
+than a wig.
+
+Members who display a friendly interest in the revival of German trade were
+gratified to learn that the clock-manufacturers, at any rate, are taking
+time by the forelock and are already sending their goods to this country.
+So far are they, moreover, from cherishing animosity or desiring to magnify
+the Fatherland that they modestly label them "Westminster Chimes." It is
+pleasant to record that the Board of Trade, exhibiting the same spirit of
+self-abnegation, has insisted on substituting the time-honoured
+inscription, "Made in Germany."
+
+It is a mistake to suppose that there are no limits to the ambition of the
+GEDDES family. "I never wanted air-transport," said Sir ERIC this
+afternoon, and later on he expressly disclaimed the megalomania which had
+been attributed to him "by those best able to diagnose the disease." He is
+certainly coming on as a Parliamentary speaker, and gave an informing and,
+on the whole, hopeful account of the work of the railways in promoting
+reconstruction.
+
+_Thursday, March 25th._--The PRIME MINISTER was rather husky this
+afternoon. He had been having a strenuous time with the miners and possibly
+some of the coal-dust had got into his throat. But his spirit is unabated,
+and he flatly refused to withdraw his charge that the trade unions, by
+refusing to modify their regulations, are holding up the building industry.
+
+In connection with the proposal to raise the Tube fares, Mr. WILL THORNE
+inquired whether this would not mean an increase of two pounds a week in
+the expenditure of some families, and, on the figure being challenged, said
+that it was quite correct, for one of the families was his own. Members
+entered into rapid calculations on their Order Papers with the view of
+discovering how many olive-branches had sprung from this THORNE.
+
+After Mr. ASQUITH'S "prave 'orts" at the National Liberal Club the mildness
+of his criticism upon the Government's foreign policy sadly disappointed
+his more ardent supporters. His only concrete suggestion was that we should
+surrender our mandate for Mesopotamia and retire to the coast, and this did
+not meet with much approval.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The POSTMASTER-GENERAL, Mr. ILLINGWORTH_ (_after some
+unsuccessful attempts to ring up the PRIME MINISTER for particulars about
+the pronunciation of Gwalchmai_). "AH WELL, IF I CAN'T GET ON TO DAVID
+WITHIN THE NEXT HALF-HOUR I MUST CONTENT MYSELF WITH CALLING IT 'THE OTHER
+PLACE.'" [_Does so._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RIGHT REVEREND THE LORD BISHOP OF BIRKENHEAD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIARUBBER BLOKE.
+
+The train ran into Victoria Station and pandemonium.
+
+A struggling mass of people trying to get out, another mass trying to get
+in; everybody pushing and muttering, grunting and groaning; and above all
+the howling of the Specially Selected Band of Hustlers in their now famous
+and unpopular performance:--
+
+"'Urry up off the car, please. WAIT till they're all off. Move right down
+the centre, please. Wot are you doin' there? Come orf it if you're comin'
+orf. Get a move on, please. 'Urry up on board. Come on there. RIGHT
+BEHIND."
+
+A siren shrilled and we were moving again.
+
+"Can't you set the kid down, Mother?" said a voice. "You can't carry her
+like that. Be quiet, 'Enry, will you."
+
+I managed to struggle out of my seat.
+
+"Thank you, Sir," said the man. "Sit down, Em'ly. That's better. Now you
+can 'old the kid. Shut up, 'Enry, will you?"
+
+I looked for Henry and found him wedged in a forest of legs.
+
+"I think he's afraid of being trodden on," I said.
+
+We managed, with some effort, to extract the child and make him a little
+more comfortable. His father turned with a sigh of relief to me.
+
+"Awful business travellin' with kids nowadays, ain't it?" he said.
+
+"I can quite believe it," I said.
+
+"Bad enough anywhere," he went on, "but on this line--well--and they stick
+up placards tellin' you to be patient. Patient! With a wife and two kids,
+and them young jackanapes at Victoria a-howling at you all the time. If
+there's one thing I 'ate it's bein' 'ustled." He laughed resentfully.
+"'Come on, get a move on.' 'Jump to it!' Shoutin' and howlin' till you
+don't know whether you're gettin' on or gettin' orf. Anybody'd think we was
+a lot of blinkin' animals."
+
+Something clicked inside my head (I hesitate to suggest what) and the
+carriage and the swaying people went out of focus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a little squad of soldiers piling arms.
+
+"Stand clear," said the subaltern in charge.
+
+"Stand at--ease. Stand easy. Carry on, Sergeant."
+
+The P.T. Instructor came forward.
+
+"Now, lads," he said briskly, "take off your equipment and your tunics and
+puttees and roll up your sleeves. And while you're doin' it listen to your
+Uncle Brown, who's goin' to give things away.
+
+"I 'aven't took any of you lads before--(come along there, my son; we ain't
+syncopatin' the movements)--but I'm told you're all B.E.F. men. Well then,
+I expect you think you know something. So you do. You know what a Jerry
+looks like and what a Whizzbang sounds like. But that ain't much. You don't
+know me. 'Ave a good look at me. You'll 'ear what I _sound_ like in a
+minute."
+
+He paused for effect and breath.
+
+"Now you 'ave 'ad a look at me you'll know me. Not the Apollo Belgravia,
+but just plain Brown--Mrs. Brown's old man--that's me; and thank 'Eaven
+it's 'im you've got to deal with and not Mr. Brown's old woman. Now we'll
+get to work, lads, and 'ustle's the word."
+
+He moved away a few paces.
+
+"When I say 'Round me nip,'" he shouted, "I want to see a cloud of dust and
+a livin' statue. Round me--NIP!"
+
+There was boxing.
+
+"'It 'im," yelled Brown; "you ain't doin' a foxtrot! Bite 'is ear orf! Make
+'is nose bleed!"
+
+Their noses bled.
+
+There were bayonet charges on stuffed sacks.
+
+"Kick 'em," roared Brown, leaping round like a dervish; "make faces at 'em!
+I want to see ye getting uglier every minute."
+
+They grew uglier.
+
+Half-an-hour later the squad, limp and perspiring, lay down for a rest.
+
+"Well, you've not done too bad," said Brown; "you're all breathin', anyway.
+Get dressed now, and don't be 'alf-an-hour at it. Don't forget, my lads,
+'ustle's the word what makes such men as me--and you too by the time I've
+finished with you. I'll make it a bit stiffer to-morrow."
+
+He strolled off.
+
+A voice arose from the squad:--
+
+"Anybody'd think we was a lot of blinkin' animals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I came back suddenly to the carriage and the crush.
+
+"So you've altered your ideas about hustling?" I said.
+
+"Altered them? Why?"
+
+"Well," I said, "I can remember a day when Mrs. Brown's old man----"
+
+"Why, Sir, you mean to say----"
+
+"I do," I said.
+
+And after a time:--
+
+"Well, good-bye, Sergeant. Awfully glad to have seen you again, and to know
+you don't like being hustled any more than we did."
+
+He laughed.
+
+"One for you, Sir," he said. "But after all you was carrying a rifle, not a
+bloomin' baby."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman._ "IS THAT YOUR BABY?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "NO, SIR, IT AIN'T OURN. WE AIN'T 'AD NONE SINCE ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Cool Reception.
+
+     "VISIT OF 10 WESLEYAN MINISTERS.
+
+     ---- Wesleyan Church.
+
+     'Is happiness possible to-day?'"
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Nursery Governess to go to Jamaica early May; two boys ages seven and
+     four; one able to give first lessons and music."--_Times._
+
+Then why can't he teach the other?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY.
+
+     Exceptional Purchase of ---- Cigars. Weight about 1-1/2 lbs. Length 5
+     inches."
+
+     _Advt. in Evening Paper._
+
+But only suitable, we should imagine, for very heavy smokers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Ex-Government Bedside Tables, make Boat Cupboards, Safes, Bookcases,
+     Wash-stands, etc., not large enough to live in."
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+Not a solution of the housing problem after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Head of the House._ "DON'T THINK I'M COMPLAINING, EMMA. I
+KNOW I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY NEW CLOTHES, AND DON'T IN THE LEAST OBJECT TO
+HAVING WILFRID'S TROUSERS CUT DOWN TO FIT ME; BUT THE BAG OF THE KNEE MAKES
+THEM FALL SO AWKWARD AT THE ANKLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCREEN _v._ STAGE.
+
+     [According to Mr. W. G. FAULKNER, who has recently interviewed CHARLIE
+     CHAPLIN at Los Angeles, the great film comedian chiefly reads serious
+     books on philosophy and social problems, being specially interested in
+     the prices of food and clothing. Romantic novels have no attraction
+     for him, and it is nonsense to say that he ever hoped to play
+     _Hamlet_, for "he does not like Shakespeare, whose works neither
+     entertain nor interest him."]
+
+  There is bitter grief at Stratford, on the silver Avon's marge,
+  Where the cult of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE is extremely fine and large,
+  For across the broad Atlantic comes the petrifying news
+  That the greatest film comedian does not care for WILLIAM'S Muse.
+
+  Serious problems--economics and the price of margarine--
+  Occupy the hours of leisure that he snatches from the screen;
+  But the works of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE he dismisses as inane,
+  And he harbours no ambition to enact the princely Dane.
+
+  This momentous revelation, little birds reveal to me,
+  Has produced a spasm of anguish in the heart of SIDNEY LEE;
+  Wails arise from HENRY AINLEY, BENSON, LANG and MOSCOVITCH,
+  Though so far no word of protest emanates from LITTLE TICH.
+
+  Still, by way of compensation for this ruthless turning down
+  Of the chief Elizabethan by a neo-Georgian clown,
+  'Tis averred that STOLL (Sir OSWALD), in a life of storm and stress,
+  Finds distraction from his labours in the works of WILLIAM S.
+
+  In this context I may notice that the "consequential" KEYNES
+  From an economic survey of the cinema abstains;
+  But this curious lacuna does not prove that he has missed
+  CHARLIE CHAPLIN'S true importance as a sociologist.
+
+  All the same, good Viscount MORLEY is, we are prepared to state,
+  Unaware of the existence of the peerless HARRY TATE;
+  And the name of MARY PICKFORD doesn't palpably convey
+  Any sort of connotation to the mind of Viscount GREY.
+
+  This is much to be regretted, but I'm not without the hope
+  That our publicists and statesmen may enlarge their mental scope
+  By frequenting entertainments where the pleased spectators rock
+  At the antics of GEORGE ROBEY or the drolleries of GROCK.
+
+  So, conversely, CHARLIE CHAPLIN, in a later, mellower phase,
+  May attain to the enjoyment of Elizabethan plays,
+  And, when economic problems on his jaded palate pall,
+  Recognise that there is something in our WILLIAM after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a lover's letter, read recently in court:--
+
+     "I see those self-same eyes, which are my own love's, looking at each
+     other with all that tenderness with which they once looked into
+     mine."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+It would appear that the object of his affections suffered from some
+obliquity of vision.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR "DUMB" PETS BUREAU.
+
+AS ONE OF FAMILY--CAT (lady), elderly; would give slight services (mousing,
+etc.) in return for comfortable home. No dogs. Highest refs. Strictest
+confidence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARROT seeks sit. with refined conversationalists. Eighty years in last
+place. Cause of leaving, death of owner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RABBIT.--Quiet, domesticated, with family of nine, wishes to find home with
+vegetarians. Sleep out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOG, young, seeks home in cheerful family. Well-bred society. Children not
+objected to. Liberal table and good outings necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PONY, no longer young, quiet tastes, is seeking post with family where
+motor is kept.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOW, eleven encumbrances, wishes to board with Jewish family. Liberal
+table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONELY goldfish would like to meet with another similarly situated. View to
+partnership.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DONKEY, at present in seaside town, wishes post inland during holiday
+months. Suitable for bed-ridden invalid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANARY, powerful notes, enthusiastic singer, seeks board-residence with
+musical family.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOMES FROM HOME--CUCKOOS coming England in April desire addresses of
+well-appointed nests for depositing eggs. Personally investigated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AU PAIR--ROBIN, having maisonette larger than he requires (flower-pot),
+would like to find another to share it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKEREL, early riser, smart, good appearance, seeks sit. in country house.
+Preference for one with home-farm immediately adjacent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PET LAMB, the property of butcher's daughter, desires home with humane
+gentlewomen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPANIEL, field, rather stout but pleasing appearance, is giving up country
+pursuits owing to difference with game-keeper. Would join lady in carriage
+drives and meals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEKINESE, noble birth, would go as companion in Ducal family living in good
+neighbourhood. Carriage. No knowledge of Chinese required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I'M LOOKING FOR MY MOTHER. HAS SHE BEEN IN HERE? I KNOW SHE
+WENT TO BUY A CHICKEN, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE HER CHICKEN BUTCHER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"EXPORT SECTION.
+
+     SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES AND OTHER PROBLEMS."
+
+     _Canadian Gazette._
+
+But we understand that the late President of the Board of Trade is no
+longer a problem. The last thing he did before leaving office was to issue
+a licence for his own exportation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Soldier Ants of New Zealand.
+
+     "Details of the distribution of the payments to soldiers' wives in
+     lieu of separation allowances have not yet been finally approved, but
+     the amount is to be made up to 3s. a day. Sir James Allen told a Post
+     reporter this morning; in reply ants and 2nd lieutenants would share
+     in the distribution."
+
+     _New Zealand Paper._
+
+     "The Defence Minister was asked by Mr. G. Witty if he would extend the
+     payment of gratuities on behalf of deceased soldiers to sisters and
+     cousins when the soldier had made a will to that effect."--_Same
+     paper, later._
+
+The reason why Mr. WITTY'S solicitude was limited to the sisters and
+cousins evidently was that the ants had been already provided for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Sir Oliver's personality is like that of one of the prophets of old.
+     Venerable, white of beard and what scanty locks of hair remain, a
+     dome-like head, over six feet in height."
+
+     _Boston Herald._
+
+This must be the result of the American atmosphere, as we are quite certain
+that the last time we saw Sir OLIVER his head was not an inch over three
+feet in height.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEMOBBED.
+
+INDIA, 1920.
+
+  "I'm goin' home," said Hennessey, "for I've been East too long;
+  I want the English hedges an' fields an' the English thrush's song,
+  An' the honest English faces an' never nobody black;
+  It's home for mine," said Hennessey, "so it's down your tents and pack.
+        It'll pass out here
+        For a month or a year,
+      But not for a lifetime--no dam fear.
+  I want my folks," said Hennessey, "an' I'm jolly well goin' back."
+  But _I_ said, "Home's gone different an' I've somehow lost the touch,
+  An' nobody's written for fifty years, so _they_'re not worryin' much;
+  An' I like it here; I love it." Says Hennessey, "Well, I'm shot!
+  Would ye die an' be buried in India?" "Well, Natty," says I, "why not?"
+
+  "East Africa, then," said Hennessey; "it's a promisin' place is that--
+  Money to make an' jobs galore, easy an' rich an' fat;
+  An' think of the ridin' an' shootin' an' the camp an' the trekkin' too;
+  _You_'ve no ties," said Hennessey; "it's the place for a chap like you.
+        There's a grand career
+        For a pioneer,
+      Which is more than ever you'll see out here.
+  East Africa's it," said Hennessey, "if the half they say is true."
+  But _I_ said, "Blow East Africa an' slavin' yourself all day;
+  I'm an idle man--bone idle--with a little bit saved away,
+  An' I like them palm-tree beaches an' the warm blue sunlit sea;
+  East India, yes, an' welcome, but East Africa--no, not me."
+
+  "Well, Palestine," said Hennessey; but I cut him short and sweet,
+  An' "Natty," I said, "I've heard it all an' I don't want to repeat--
+  Jerusalem or Mombasa, Tahiti or Timbuctoo,
+  Or careers an' pioneerin' an' the rest of it all--nah poo!
+        It's no good, Nat,
+        For I tell you flat
+      I've cottoned to India an' that's just that;
+  _Bus hogeva_; all done--finish; I'm here till the trees turn blue,
+  For I love them early mornings, shiny an' clear an' grey,
+  An' I love the cool o' the evening when the temple drummers play,
+  An' the long, long, lazy afternoons, when the whole creation sleeps--
+  Quit it? Old man, I couldn't; I'm India's now for keeps.
+
+  "So Hennessey, you go home," I says, "an' see to the wife an' kid."
+  "You'll follow me there one day," says he, an' I says, "Heaven forbid!
+  I'll just be goin' about an' about an' keepin' an open mind
+  An' sometimes doin' a job o' work, but not if I'm not inclined;
+        An' I won't care
+        If I'm here or there,
+      Jungle or forest or feast or fair;
+  I'll take it all as it comes along, as the Maker o' things designed;
+  I'll tramp it North to the Kashmir hills an' South to the Nilgiris;
+  I'll find my friends as I find my fun--and that's where I dam well
+            please;
+  An' never no _saman_ or houses or taxes or servants to send things
+            wrong."
+  "It wouldn't suit me," said Hennessey. "It wouldn't," says I. "So long!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACTRESS.
+
+You are doubtless aware that in the successful musical comedy, _The Girl of
+Forty-Seven_, there is a scene in which Miss Verbena Vaine, as
+_Clementina_, the horse-dealer's beautiful daughter, denounces the
+disreputable old veterinary surgeon, _Binnett_, so whimsically played by
+that ripe comedian, Mr. Sid Apps.
+
+On my first visit to the play many weeks ago an incident occurred which
+both enhanced Mr. Apps's reputation for spontaneous humour and highly
+diverted the audience.
+
+It will be remembered that at the climax of her outburst, _Clementina_,
+with eyes ablaze and voice vibrating with passion, hisses, "Loathsome
+scoundrel, how I detest and despise you!" On the evening to which I refer a
+mock-submissive look came into Apps's face when these words were spoken,
+and he interrupted gently, "Not too much soda, Verbena," glancing with
+mischievous curiosity to see how she would take his humorous comment upon
+her emphatic utterance of this line of many sibilants.
+
+The audience was greatly delighted by this effect. Miss Vaine failed
+completely to maintain the _role_ of the indignant beauty and turned her
+back to the footlights to hide her face, though her laughter was betrayed
+by the shaking of her handsome shoulders. There was a pause of some moments
+before she resumed, "My father shall know of this," and so forth.
+
+Last week, when Doris, my niece, chose that I should take her to see _The
+Girl of Forty-Seven_, I was not unwilling again to enjoy Apps's humour. I
+listened with especial care as we approached the scene in the play to which
+I have referred. Perhaps he would employ some still more successful gag. At
+last came _Clementina's_ outburst. "Loathsome scoundrel, how I detest and
+despise you!" she exclaimed with vehemence. "Not too much soda, Verbena,"
+replied the comedian gently, with a mischievous glance of curiosity. The
+actress gave a look of amazement, then quickly turned her back to the
+audience, where she stood for some moments with her face in her hands and
+her shoulders shaking, the audience laughing aloud with delight. The action
+of the play was delayed for some moments before Miss Verbena Vaine resumed
+her part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Sinecure.
+
+     "Wanted, Housemaid, L45, for three in family, three maids; no
+     children; good room; all time off usual."--_Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Domestic Problem.
+
+     "----'s Registry have ladies waiting here daily, 2 to 4.30, for all
+     kinds of maids (with or without experience)."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+We don't doubt it for a moment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Councillor ----: Can we afford to allow the town to be in real
+     jeopardy every hour?
+
+     The Chairman (to the Brigade Captain): Did you have to take the horses
+     away from a funeral the other day, when there was a call?
+
+     Brigade Captain: We had to wait until the funeral party got back."
+
+     _Local Paper._
+
+  "Where are the gees of the Old Brigade?"
+  "Gone to a funeral, Sir," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUNT STEEPLECHASE.
+
+_Voice from the Crowd_ (_to sportsman whose horse has refused the brook_).
+"NOW THEN, GUVNOR, WHAT YER AFRAID OF?--SPOILING THE FISHING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Countless readers, fusionists and others, will be glad to have Mr. HAROLD
+SPENDER'S sparkling abstract of the more romantic passages in the life of
+_The Prime Minister_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). The first half of the book
+describes the upbringing and early battles of this man of peace, Rose
+Cottage at Llanystumdwy with "Uncle Lloyd"--there is a touching picture of
+the courage, wisdom and unselfishness of this grand old man--the little
+attorney's office at Portmadoc, squire- and parson-baiting _passim_,
+capture of Carnarvon Boroughs, guerilla tactics in the House, suspension,
+recognition, pacifism, office, original budgeting, Limehousing (very
+reticently indicated), social reform. Then War and the supreme opportunity
+for the energy, persuasiveness, adroitness and determination which must
+extort even from opponents the tribute of admiration. Not a dull page;
+occasionally an obscure one. None of your cold and calculated criticism for
+Mr. SPENDER. Have idols clay feet? Well, not this one, thank you. And it
+is an attitude which enables him to convey to the reader something of the
+irresistible personal magnetism of his distinguished friend, and the
+courage which delights in riding the storm and is at its best in the tight
+corner (one might suspect the PREMIER of holding the view that if there
+were no tight corners it would be necessary to invent them). The summary of
+the War period is admirably done. The history of events leading to the
+formation of the second Coalition Government--and the third--is again
+tactfully presented. It would be unreasonable to suppose that all of Mr.
+SPENDER'S verdicts and estimates will be unchallenged by historians. But it
+is unlikely that the PREMIER will find a more competent hagiographer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A story that so far violates the conventions as to start with a mother
+whose moral instability is a worry to her children, and a hero who longs to
+be a practical builder despite a parental command to follow art--such a
+tale can at least claim the merit of originality. Mr. J. D. BERESFORD would
+be fully justified in claiming this and much more for _An Imperfect Mother_
+(COLLINS). Here is an interesting, fascinating and certainly unusual story,
+in which only two characters are of any real moment, _Cecilia_, the
+imperfect mother, embodiment of the artist temperament, egotistical almost
+to inhumanity, who abandons her dull husband and boring daughters to "live
+her own life"; and _Stephen_, the son, who alone can give her a
+half-sympathetic, half-resentful understanding. You see already the
+cleverness of Mr. BERESFORD'S conception. Really, it is just this that
+works (at least for me) its undoing. His characters are fashioned with the
+nicest ingenuity; the positions into which he so dextrously manipulates
+them compel your interest and delighted wonder; but never once do they
+touch your emotions, and never once can you see them as anything but the
+creations of a highly talented brain. This is the more strange because Mr.
+BERESFORD'S people are as a rule so convincingly real. Perhaps to some
+degree the effect of artifice is due to the author's exclusive
+preoccupation with his central character. _Cecilia's_ husband, her
+daughters, the home of her early married life, are shown to us only by the
+light of her flashing personality; this withdrawn, they simply cease to
+exist. On the whole, therefore, I should call _An Imperfect Mother_ a
+highly entertaining example of pure intellect, admirable but uninspired,
+which for my own part I enjoyed amazingly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Though "E. H. ANSTRUTHER" (Mrs. J. C. SQUIRE) has called her latest story
+_The Husband_ (LANE) one can hardly resist the feeling that this is rather
+a generous description of the central character, who indulged in so much
+philandering with one person or another that it is difficult to regard him
+as more than a husband in, so to speak, his spare time. _Richard
+Dennithorne_, I must believe, was a "ladies' man" in two senses, since he
+is undeniably a very womanly conception of the all-conquering male, with
+indeed more than a little of _Mr. Rochester_ in his composition. The story
+tells how _Penelope_, the heroine, comes to live with her adopted aunt
+_Margery_, of whom _Richard_ was the spouse (intermittent); how _Richard_,
+at the moment absent upon amorous affairs, returned, and so fascinated
+_Penelope_ with his masterful ways that she fled to London; how, almost
+immediately after, she stultified her precautions, but saved the plot, by
+becoming _Richard's_ secretary at his office in that city; and how,
+finally, poor _Margery_ (who throughout monopolised my sympathy), having
+generously expired, _Penelope_ and the ex-husband fell into each other's
+arms. Of course there is a lot more than this really, so don't think that I
+have spoilt the fun for you. As for the quality of the tale, this, I fancy,
+may be better appreciated by women than men, since, as I have hinted, its
+outlook is so essentially feminine. Mrs. SQUIRE writes with sincerity and
+brings her characters to life. She needs, however, to remember that words
+unwatched are dangerous. Such slipshod phrasing as "_young_ muscular
+_youth_" must grieve the judicious, while the effect of the sentimental
+interview on p. 99 was simply ruined for me through the unfortunate
+suggestion conveyed by "her blood rose _in a boil_ to her face." The
+italics are mine, but the proof-reading is (or should have been) the
+author's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Miser's Money_ (HEINEMANN) brings Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS back to Devonshire,
+and I wave my little flag to welcome him. Of late he has sometimes been a
+shade too didactic for my liking, but here he gives us yet another plain
+tale of his beloved moor, and he is instructive only in showing the danger
+of too much money--a danger at which most of us can in these days afford to
+smile. The _Mortimers_ were, one would have supposed, a clan unlikely to be
+moved from their native soil by anything less convulsive than an
+earthquake. But money did it. One of them was a miser, and when he
+died--after a terrific gorge at his brother's expense--he left trouble
+behind him. Some of his relations wanted more of his money than was good
+for their souls, and one of them (actually) fought shy of receiving her
+proper share. Altogether a pretty tangle, which was not unravelled until
+the _Mortimers_ had resolved to try new pastures. True, they did not go
+very far, but the disturbing influence of money is sufficiently illustrated
+by the fact that it induced such deeply-rooted folk to move at all. If the
+theme of this story is a little sordid it is relieved by its treatment from
+any reproach, and faithful followers of the PHILLPOTTS' trail will enjoy
+every word of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All that we ever hoped--some day, when the War was over--to hear about
+those most fascinating mysteries, the Tanks, has been put together by Major
+C. and Mr. A. WILLIAMS-ELLIS, under the title _The Tank Corps_ (_Country
+Life_ Offices). Here are genuine uncamouflaged pictures of all kinds of
+tanks, with detailed maps and descriptions showing their operations, as
+well as stories not only of those that walked in orthodox fashion through
+enemy villages "with the British army cheering behind," but of others that
+disappeared entire in mud, or drove themselves unaided back to our lines
+when too full of gas to be occupied, or scrunched up batteries of
+field-guns, or cruised alone for hours, like the famous one called Musical
+Box, among the enemy's communications, or crossed vast trenches over
+bundles of faggots carried upon their backs. Every boy of the right kind
+who inherits the proper zeal for mechanisms will certainly find in this
+book the most absorbing of yarns. Not that the subject is treated in the
+least lightly or frivolously, but, since the barest truth is here
+incredible romance, the authors, soberly collecting materials from
+despatches, diaries and so on, as well as drawing on their own obvious
+first-hand knowledge, have achieved a fairy-tale of mechanics. That the
+crews were no less wonderful than their machines we knew before, but the
+writers' modest yet illuminating account of the difficulties under which
+they worked is none the less welcome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you decide to go on _Circuits_ (METHUEN) with Mr. PHILIP CAMBORNE you
+will find him an interesting and informing companion. His hero and heroine
+are a Wesleyan minister and his wife, so completely out of tune with the
+usual heroes of contemporary fiction that they are actually shameless
+enough to be in love with one another from the first page to the last.
+Though he shows a remarkable insight into the lives of Wesleyan ministers,
+Mr. CAMBORNE declines the popular methods of sectarian fiction and refrains
+from any attempt to proselytize. Instead we are simply given a clear and
+often amusing account of what _Mark Frazer_ had to put up with in his
+wanderings from circuit to circuit. Mr. CAMBORNE is modern in confining
+himself to the history of a single family, but in outlook he belongs to a
+past century. And I mean that for a compliment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORICAL SCENE.--ROMULUS HEARS FROM HIS
+CONTRACTOR THAT ROME CANNOT BE BUILT IN A DAY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Motto for the Wee Frees when attempting to conciliate the Labour Party:
+Lib. and let Lab.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158,  March 31, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22725.txt or 22725.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/7/2/22725/
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/22725.zip b/22725.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..995ba64
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22725.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..85698ef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #22725 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/22725)