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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 31, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,  March 31, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2007 [EBook #22725]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+
+March 31, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+We were glad to see that two of our most important Universities were again
+successful in obtaining first and second places in this year's boat-race.
+(As this was written before the race we crave the indulgence of our readers
+if our prophecy should prove incorrect.)
+
+       * * *
+
+Bradford Corporation is selling white collars to its citizens at sixpence
+a-piece. How the Labour Party proposes to combat this subtle form of
+capitalist propaganda is not known.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I have been knocked down twice by the same bus, but fortunately have
+sustained no serious injury," stated a plaintiff at a London police-court
+the other day. The bus in question, we understand, will be given one more
+try, and in the event of failure will be debarred from all further contests
+of the same nature.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Quite a lot of American bacon is being smoked in London," says a news
+item. We are glad they have found a use for it, but at the risk of
+appearing fastidious we must say we much prefer Havannah tobacco.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Variety Artists' Federation has passed a resolution against the
+engagement of Germans in the profession. With yet another avenue of
+industry closed against him General LUDENDORFF is said to be contemplating
+a dignified retirement.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Should uglier husbands have heavier damages?" was a question raised in a
+recent divorce action. The better opinion is that the fact that the ugly
+man must have gone out of his way to get married should tell against him.
+
+       * * *
+
+Signs of Spring are everywhere. A couple of telephone mechanics have made
+their nest on the roof of a house in West Kensington.
+
+       * * *
+
+At Question-Time in the House there was trouble over the pronunciation of
+Bryngwran and Gwalchmai. One of the Welsh Members present said he could
+have played them if he had had his harp with him.
+
+       * * *
+
+Saturday afternoon funerals have been stopped at Bexhill. We are very
+pleased to note this, because if there is one thing which mars the
+enjoyment of the week-end it is being buried.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Hon. JOHN COLLIER will shortly explain why he painted the famous
+picture, "The Fallen Idol." If only some of our minor artists would be
+equally frank.
+
+       * * *
+
+A weekly paper is offering a prize to anybody who discovers the oldest
+living fish. It is just as well that no prize is offered for the oldest
+dead fish.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Large dumps of valuable material which is slowly rotting are to be met all
+along the main road in Northern France to-day," complains a morning paper.
+A responsible Government official now admits that whilst motoring in that
+district last week he noticed that the road was bumpy in places.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is some talk of the Americans having a League of Notions of their
+own.
+
+       * * *
+
+M. CHARLES NORDMANN states that the world will end in ten thousand million
+years. It will be interesting to see if America will refuse to take part in
+this as well.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our horticultural expert informs us that during the next two or three weeks
+all wooden houses should be carefully pruned.
+
+       * * *
+
+The rumour that Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY, M.P., will be asked to design a new
+uniform for the Royal Air Force is without foundation.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is feared that, owing to the sudden appearance of Summer weather last
+week, the POET LAUREATE will once again be obliged to hold over his Spring
+poem.
+
+       * * *
+
+It seems a pity that eight of the nine bricklayers who entered for the
+recent brick-laying contest should have collapsed, allowing the ninth an
+easy walk-over with seven bricks to his credit.
+
+       * * *
+
+Statistics show a remarkable increase in the Welsh birthrate as compared
+with previous years. As usual, nothing is being done about it.
+
+       * * *
+
+There are several ways, says Sir JAMES MACKENZIE, the eminent specialist,
+of tracing heart weakness. One way is to charge the owner of the heart
+seven-and-six for a pound of butter. If he faints he has a weak heart; if
+he pays he is merely weak in the head.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Bill has been introduced in the New York Legislature to confine the
+headlines in murder cases to thirty-six points. The limit for international
+headliners is still fourteen points.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Government, says a contemporary, is about to start growing tobacco in
+Norfolk. Whether it is to be sold as Coalition Mixture or Carlton Club has
+not yet been decided.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Royal Academy have issued a notice that frames other than gilt will be
+admissible this year. Many people, it is thought, who never felt attracted
+by the old-fashioned gilt frames will now visit the exhibition.
+
+       * * *
+
+An auctioneer's clerk has been summoned for throwing a bun at a railway
+buffet waitress. It was a thoughtless thing to do. He might have broken it.
+
+       * * *
+
+We have just heard of a Scottish engineer who has decided to strike out
+along novel lines. Although only twenty-two years of age he has arranged to
+settle down in Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Taxi-Driver_ (_who has been paid the correct fare_).
+"YOU'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING, GOV'NOR."
+
+_Fare._ "WHAT IS IT?"
+
+_Taxi-Driver._ "YOUR ADDRESS. I MIGHT WANT ANOTHER MASCOT SOME DAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a fashion-advertisement:--
+
+     "PARIS MOVES THE WAIST-LINE."
+
+     _American Paper._
+
+But it is believed that the young man's strong right arm will succeed in
+rediscovering it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SUMMER-TIME"
+
+(_with some moral reflections_).
+
+  To-day I left my downy lair
+    An hour before my wont;
+  But do I consequently wear
+    An unctuous smile? I don't.
+  If with the early lark's ascent
+    I soared from out my bed, it
+  Is to an Act of Parliament
+    That I must give the credit.
+
+  When I escape, in butter's dearth,
+    The fault of waxing fat,
+  Calmly I view my modest girth
+    And take no praise for that;
+  Not mine the glory when my soul
+    Abjures its ruling passion;
+  'Tis his, the lord of Food-control,
+    Who fixed my sugar-ration.
+
+  Hampered by regulations for
+    The chastisement of crime--
+  Arson and theft and marrying more
+    Than one wife at a time--
+  I like to feel some sins there be
+    For which the law can't hurt you,
+  In whose regard your heart is free
+    To follow vice or virtue.
+
+  Of one temptation I rejoice
+    Especially to think,
+  That leaves me loose to take my choice--
+    My reference is to DRINK;
+  Here, where as yet no rules apply
+    By Pussyfeet dictated,
+  The merit's mine whenever I
+    Am not inebriated.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERSONAL ELEMENT AT A MOTOR SHOW.
+
+Not to be outdone by Olympia we have just held a motor show in our
+provincial Town Hall. What though the motoring magazines, obese with the
+rich diet of advertisement, grew no fatter in its honour, it was at least
+the most successful social function we have known since the War began. The
+Town Hall externally was magnificent with flags by day and coloured lamps
+by night, and within was a blaze of bunting and greenstuff. The band of the
+Free Shepherds played popular music, and the luncheon and tea rooms were
+the scene of most delightful little gatherings. Besides all this, quite a
+number of cars were to be found amongst the decorations.
+
+Nearly every demobilised officer in the county seems to have taken up an
+agency for a car or two, and bought himself spats on the strength of a
+prospective fortune. Jimmy Wrigley and I are amongst them. Wrigley in the
+Great War was M.T., R.A.S.C., and knows so much about cars that he can tell
+the make of lamps from the track of the tyres; while I was a cavalryman and
+know so little that I judge Jimmy's cleverness only by other people's
+incredulity. On our stand at the show we exhibited two cars, which, as I
+carefully learned beforehand from the book of the words, were a Byng-Beatty
+and a Tanglefoot, these being the cars for which we are what they call
+concessionaires. (The _bat_ is tricky, but one picks it up loafing about
+garages.)
+
+As a rule Jimmy and I do the correspondence between us--Jimmy contributing
+the technique and I the punctuation; but for the three days of the show his
+cousin Sheila volunteered to preside at a dainty little table and make
+jottings of our orders. Sheila is always ornamental, and as we had the
+stand draped to tone with her hair, and she wore a dress which harmonized
+like soft music with the pale heliotrope of the Tanglefoot's body-work, our
+display was a magnet from the word "Go."
+
+And then on the morning of the opening day Jimmy went down with his Lake
+Doiran malaria and left me to it!
+
+I am as brave as most people, but this calamity unmanned me. "Sheila," I
+said to a pair of pitying grey eyes, as the crowd, having heard the show
+declared open, massed about our stand--"Sheila, the situation is desperate.
+These people will ask me about the cars. They will expect me to answer them
+intelligently, and it's no use in the world talking horse to them--I can
+see that from their sordid looks. I shall disappear. You can say I have
+gone out on a trial run, which won't be a lie, only an understatement. And
+you can just hand them out the little books and let them paw the varnish.
+Silence will be better than anything I could say. Probably it is better
+than what any conscientious man could say about the Tanglefoot."
+
+"I'll carry on, Nobby," said Sheila. "You go and buy buns for Miss
+Hurdlewing, and be happy. Fly! here's a purchaser."
+
+Sheila's whisper dispersed me into the crowd and I strolled away, while she
+bestowed a smile and a specification pamphlet on the first of the crowd to
+step on to our stand.
+
+I found it impossible to keep away for long. Sheila looked so well against
+the heliotrope Tanglefoot limousine that I had to go back to look at her.
+
+The stand was surrounded by a throng, hushed and breathless with interest.
+Sheila was talking volubly. Hardened motorists listened with their mouths
+open; zealots, feverish to expend their excess profits on motoring because
+it was a novelty and expensive, stood spell-bound; a rival agent drank in
+her words with tears in his eyes--tears for his old innocence--and his
+cheek flushed with a sudden and splendid determination to amalgamate with
+our firm.
+
+"This chassis, gentlemen," Sheila was saying, with a glance towards the
+Byng-Beatty, "has the most exclusive features. The torque-tube being fitted
+with an automatic lighter, it is possible to change tyres without leaving
+your seat; while by a simple adjustment of the universal joint the car will
+take any reasonable obstacle gracefully and without any inconvenience to
+the occupants. The clutch is of the Alabama type. This new pattern created
+a great sensation at Olympia, owing to the ease with which it permits even
+the amateur driver to convert the present body into a _char-a-banc_ or a
+tipping-waggon. The hood is reversible, so that passengers may be sheltered
+from the wind when the car runs backwards. In the rear of the boot,
+concealed by a door flush with the panels, is an EINSTEIN parachute, by
+means of which a passenger may leave the car before an imminent accident or
+when tired of the company."
+
+I could not move; I did not want to either; and I certainly dared not
+interrupt.
+
+"The Tanglefoot," continued Sheila, while a sigh of sheer rapture rose from
+the crowd, "is pre-eminently the car for a medical man or pushful
+undertaker. No horn is supplied, though this will be fitted if desired. The
+car is not cheap, but properly used will soon repay itself. Amongst the
+accessories supplied with the standard chassis I should like to call your
+attention to the collapsible game-bag and landing-net."
+
+This went on for a long, long time, and I stayed till a man in the crowd
+recognised me and showed symptoms of coming out of his trance. I fled, and
+returned only at the luncheon interval.
+
+"Sheila," I said--"Sheila, this may be fun for you, but James Wrigley and I
+may sing in the streets to pay for it."
+
+"You great stupid"--her eyes were sparking as she spoke--"I've booked more
+orders than you will be able to carry out before you've learned wisdom.
+Look!" It was practically a nominal roll of the local capitalists that she
+showed me. "Nobody believes what you say about a car, so you can say what
+you like. The thing is to get it noticed."
+
+"Did they study these cars much before they let you take their names?"
+
+Sheila looked into my eyes and laughed happily.
+
+W. K. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Eccentric Advertisers.
+
+     "Youth Wanted to Strike."
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DACHSWOLF.
+
+FRITZ (_doubtfully_). "GOOD DOG--IF YOU STILL _ARE_ A DOG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH, AUNTIE, 'ZYMOTIC' _IS_ A FUNNY WORD FOR YOU TO BE SO
+FOND OF."
+
+"MY DEAR CHILD, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
+
+"WELL, DADDY SAID YOU WERE VERY FOND OF THE LAST WORD, SO I LOOKED IT UP IN
+THE DICTIONARY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ABOUT BATHROOMS.
+
+Of all the beautiful things which are to be seen in shop windows perhaps
+the most beautiful are those luxurious baths in white enamel, hedged round
+with attachments and conveniences in burnished metal. Whenever I see one of
+them I stand and covet it for a long time. Yet even these super-baths fall
+far short of what a bath should be; and as for the perfect bathroom I
+question if anyone has even imagined it.
+
+The whole attitude of modern civilisation to the bathroom is wrong. Why,
+for one thing, is it always the smallest and barest room in the house? The
+Romans understood these things; we don't. I have never yet been in a
+bathroom which was big enough to do my exercises in without either breaking
+the light or barking my knuckles against a wall. It ought to be a _big_
+room and opulently furnished. There ought to be pictures in it, so that one
+could lie back and contemplate them--a picture of troops going up to the
+trenches, and another picture of a bus-queue standing in the rain, and
+another picture of a windy day with some snow in it. Then one would really
+enjoy one's baths.
+
+And there ought to be rich rugs in it and profound chairs; one would walk
+about in bare feet on the rich rugs while the bath was running; and one
+would sit in the profound chairs while drying the ears.
+
+The fact is, a bathroom ought to be equipped for comfort, like a
+drawing-room, a good, full, velvety room; and as things are it is solely
+equipped for singing. In the drawing-room, where we want to sing, we put so
+many curtains and carpets and things that most of us can't sing at all; and
+then we wonder that there is no music in England. Nothing is more maddening
+than to hear several men refusing to join in a simple chorus after dinner,
+when you know perfectly well that every one of them has been singing in a
+high tenor in his bath before dinner. We all know the reason, but we don't
+take the obvious remedy. The only thing to do is to take all the furniture
+out of the drawing-room and put it in the bathroom--all except the piano
+and a few cane chairs. Then we shouldn't have those terrible noises in the
+early morning, and in the evening everybody would be a singer. I suppose
+that is what they do in Wales.
+
+But if we cannot make the bathroom what it ought to be, the supreme and
+perfect shrine of the supreme moment of the day, the one spot in the house
+on which no expense or trouble is spared, we can at least bring the bath
+itself up to date. I don't now, as I did, lay much stress on having a bath
+with fifteen different taps. I once stayed in a house with a bath like
+that. There was a hot tap and a cold tap, and hot sea-water and cold
+sea-water, and PLUNGE and SPRAY and SHOWER and WAVE and FLOOD, and one or
+two more. To turn on the top tap you had to stand on a step-ladder, and
+they were all very highly polished. I was naturally excited by this, and an
+hour before it was time to dress for dinner I slunk upstairs and hurried
+into the bathroom and locked myself in and turned on all the taps at once.
+It was strangely disappointing. The sea-water was mythical. Many of the
+taps refused to function at the same time as any other, and the only two
+which were really effective were WAVE and FLOOD. WAVE shot out a thin jet
+of boiling water which caught me in the chest, and FLOOD filled the bath
+with cold water long before it could be identified and turned off.
+
+No, taps are not of the first importance, though, properly polished, they
+look well. But no bath is complete without one of those attractive bridges
+or trays where one puts the sponges and the soap. Conveniences like that
+are a direct stimulus to washing. The first time I met one I washed myself
+all over two or three times simply to make the most of knowing where the
+soap was. Now and then, in fact, in a sort of bravado I deliberately lost
+it, so as to be able to catch it again and put it back in full view on the
+tray. You can also rest your feet on the tray when you are washing them,
+and so avoid cramp.
+
+Again, I like a bathroom where there is an electric bell just above the
+bath, which you can ring with the big toe. This is for use when one has
+gone to sleep in the bath and the water has frozen, or when one has begun
+to commit suicide and thought better of it. Apart from these two occasions
+it can be used for Morsing instructions about breakfast to the
+cook--supposing you have a cook. And if you haven't a cook a little
+bell-ringing in the basement does no harm.
+
+But the most extraordinary thing about the modern bath is that there is no
+provision for shaving in it. Shaving in the bath I regard as the last word
+in systematic luxury. But in the ordinary bath it is very difficult. There
+is nowhere to put anything. There ought to be a kind of shaving tray
+attached to every bath, which you could swing in on a flexible arm,
+complete with mirror and soap and strop, new blades and shaving-papers and
+all the other confounded paraphernalia. Then, I think, shaving would be
+almost tolerable, and there wouldn't be so many of these horrible beards
+about.
+
+The same applies to smoking. It is incredible that to-day in the twentieth
+century there should be no recognised way of disposing of a cigarette-end
+in the bath. Personally I only smoke pipes in the bath, but it is
+impossible to find a place in which to deposit even a pipe so that it will
+not roll off into the water. But I have a brother-in-law who smokes cigars
+in the bath, a disgusting habit. I have often wondered where he hid the
+ends, and I find now that he has made a _cache_ of them in the gas-ring of
+the geyser. One day the ash will get into the burners and then the geyser
+will explode.
+
+Next door to the shaving and smoking tray should be the book-rest. I don't
+myself do much reading in the bath, but I have several sisters-in-law who
+keep on coming to stay, and they all do it. Few things make the leaves of a
+book stick together so easily as being dropped in a hot bath, so they had
+better have a book-rest; and if they go to sleep I shall set in motion my
+emergency waste mechanism, by which the bath can be emptied in malice from
+outside.
+
+Another of my inventions is the Progress Indicator. It works like the
+indicators outside lifts, which show where the lift is and what it is
+doing. My machine shows what stage the man inside has reached--the washing
+stage or the merely wallowing stage, or the drying stage, or the exercises
+stage. It shows you at a glance whether it is worth while to go back to bed
+or whether it is time to dig yourself in on the mat. The machine is
+specially suitable for hotels and large country houses where you can't find
+out by hammering on the door and asking, because nobody takes any notice.
+
+When you have properly fitted out the bathroom on these lines all that
+remains is to put the telephone in and have your meals there; or rather to
+have your meals there and not put the telephone in. It must still remain
+the one room where a man is safe from that.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "I SEE THE NEW CURATE HAS CALLED. WHAT IS HE
+LIKE, SMITHERS?"
+
+_Butler_ (_who had noticed that the Curate was dressed for golf_). "HE HAD
+THE APPEARANCE, MY LADY, OF BEING OUT OF 'OLY ORDERS FOR THE DAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATIONAL COAL.
+
+A great deal of nonsense is being talked about our coal-mines. I should
+like therefore to throw a little helpful light on the subject of
+nationalisation. Speaking as an owner and not as a miner (I have at the
+present moment at least six coals and a pound or two of assorted mineral
+rubbish), I want to consider some of the pros and cons of this debatable
+proposition. I take it, first of all, that we shall pay for our coal along
+with our taxes and in proportion to our income. This will come rather hard,
+of course, on the kind of people who insist on warming their rooms with
+three large electric vegetable marrows, or by means of a number of small
+skeletons pickled in gas. But such people will no doubt be able to claim
+rebates, and rebating is one of the most healthy and instructive of our
+British parlour games. Let us pass on, then, to the means of distribution.
+
+I greatly doubt whether under State organisation the practice of opening up
+those romantic and circular caverns in the middle of the pavement and
+suddenly filling our cellars with smoke, rain and thunder will be allowed
+to continue. Rather, I expect, at the moment when John Postman pushes the
+budget of bills through the slit in the front-door, William Coalman,
+walking along the roof, will be dropping a couple of Derby Brights, in the
+mode of Santa Claus, down the chimney. This will get over the basement
+trouble, and deliveries of course will occur frequently, if irregularly,
+throughout the day at such times as the Government consider them to be
+necessary for making up the fire.
+
+But whatever happens about deliveries the Inspector of Grates will be an
+infernal nuisance. Nothing makes a man more unpopular than interference in
+a quarrel between husband and wife, and I imagine that there will be many
+little suburban tragedies like the following:--
+
+     SCENE.--_A Kensington drawing-room._ Mr. _and_ Mrs. Smith _are
+     discovered shivering over the fire_.
+
+_Mr. Smith._ No, no. Not like that at all. You must break up that big lump
+first.
+
+_Mrs. Smith_ (_coldly_). This is the way my mother taught me to make up
+fires.
+
+_Mr. Smith._ Your mother! Ha!
+
+     [_Snatches the poker from her hand._
+
+_Mary_ (_entering_). The Coal Inspector has called.
+
+_Enter_ Coal Inspector.
+
+     _Taking the poker from_ Mr. Smith's _nerveless grasp, with three
+     vicious thrusts he assassinates the already moribund fire. They watch
+     him with faces of horror. As he turns to go they glance at each other,
+     and with a simultaneous impulse seize the tongs and shovel and strike
+     him with all their strength on the back of the head._
+
+Mr. Smith _rings the bell. Enter Mary._
+
+_Mr. Smith._ Please sweep that up.
+
+     [_She does so. He takes up the poker and resumes the altercation._
+
+But let us turn again to the brighter side of things. Nothing fills a
+house-holder with such deep pleasure as a legitimate grievance against the
+Government on minor counts, especially when such grievances are properly
+ventilated in the daily Press. Thus:--
+
+MORE GOVERNMENT CARELESSNESS.
+
+SPARK FALLS ON A HEARTHRUG AT CROYDON.
+
+Or
+
+PRIME MINISTER ENCOURAGES PNEUMONIA.
+
+FIRE GOES OUT AT PONDER'S END.
+
+These are specimens of the headlines we may confidently expect, and little
+forms like the following will be found in the more popular dailies:--
+
+     PROTEST TO YOUR M.P.
+
+     I protest against the continued refusal of my fire to burn up, for
+     which Government maladministration is responsible. I urge you to do
+     all in your power to see that a warm ruddy glow is cast continually
+     over my dining-room. The men, women and children of your constituency
+     will judge you at the next election by your action in this matter.
+
+And then there is the question of the miscellaneous material which is now
+being supplied in the name of coal, especially those large flat pieces of
+excellent slate. As things are now I often wonder that the miners don't
+make use of them for propaganda purposes. Chalked manifestoes such as--
+
+     We demand forty-four shillings more a ton, a five-hour week and
+     control of the mines
+
+would do much to convert the armchair critic as he digs about in the
+scuttle. When we get our coal from the State, however, we shall, of course,
+carefully set apart these sections of slate, wrap them in brown-paper and
+send them by parcel post to the nearest elementary school, with a note to
+say there must have been an inter-departmental error.
+
+From State coal too it will only be a step to State firewood, and we know
+from the papers what lots the Government has of that. Army huts, tables,
+bed-boards, trestles, aeroplanes, railway trucks--there is no end to it
+all. And underneath the firewood, of course, carefully packed, comes the
+daily newspaper itself. There can be little doubt that, once they have
+obtained a grip of coal and kindling-wood, the Government will proceed to
+nationalise the Press.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REDS AND DARK BLUES.
+
+     [Mr. R. H. TAWNEY and Mr. G. D. H. COLE, both Oxford Fellows,
+     represent academic intellectualism _in excelsis_ at the G.H.Q. of
+     Labour.]
+
+  Only a simpleton or sawney
+  Falls short in reverence for TAWNEY;
+  Only the man without a soul
+  Disputes the kingliness of COLE.
+
+  Labour, no longer gross and brawny,
+  Finds its true hierophant in TAWNEY;
+  And, freed from all save Guild Control,
+  Attains its apogee in COLE.
+
+  Proud Prelates in their vestments lawny
+  Quail at the heresies of TAWNEY;
+  And prostrate Dukes in anguish roll,
+  Scared by the scrutiny of COLE.
+
+  The Nabob quits his brandy-pawnee
+  To listen to the lore of TAWNEY;
+  The plain beer-drinker bans the bowl,
+  Weaned by the witchery of COLE.
+
+  Students however slack or yawny
+  Grow tense beneath the spell of TAWNEY;
+  Footballers score goal after goal,
+  Trained in the principles of COLE.
+
+  The shrimp grows positively prawny
+  On list'ning to the voice of TAWNEY;
+  While upward shoots the blindest mole
+  Beneath the airy tread of COLE.
+
+  There's something thrilling--Colleen-Bawny--
+  About the articles of TAWNEY;
+  And no one can so grandly toll
+  The knell of Capital as COLE.
+
+  As Cornwall rallied to TRELAWNY
+  So Labour rallies to its TAWNEY;
+  And miners find a "better 'ole"
+  Provided by the creed of COLE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Our evening congregations have more than doubled in two months. _Sans
+     Deo!_"
+
+     _Parish Magazine._
+
+We don't wonder that two foreign languages were required to veil this
+shocking observation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a feuilleton ("dramatic, kinema and all other rights secured"):--
+
+     "So he just shook hands all round, and took off his coat, and lit a
+     cigar, and laughed when Betty Cardon pointed out that he had put the
+     wrong end of it in his mouth."--_Daily Paper._
+
+This incident should "film" well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOULD AUTHORS PUBLISH THEIR OWN PORTRAITS?
+
+     [Mr. Punch herewith disclaims all intention of quoting the title of
+     any actual book.]
+
+[Illustration: "A LATTER-DAY LOTHARIO."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE YOUNG CHARMERS."]
+
+[Illustration: "MY LIFE-WORK IN THE
+SLUMS."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE WOMAN WITH A PURPLE PAST."]
+
+[Illustration: "THE LYRE OF LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "HALF-HOURS WITH BUNYAN."]
+
+[Illustration: "COURT LIFE FROM THE INSIDE."]
+
+[Illustration: "STAGE DEPORTMENT FOR AMATEURS."]
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT PHYSICAL CULTURE HAS
+DONE FOR ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+"MY DEAR MISS MONTEITH, COULDN'T YOU GIVE US A MORE APPROPRIATE EXPRESSION?
+DON'T FORGET YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STEPPING FROM THE TOP OF ONE SKY-SCRAPER
+TO ANOTHER, SO DO TRY AND LOOK JUST A LITTLE PEEVISH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASIDE ISSUES.
+
+"This summer," said Suzanne, "we must take the bull by the forelock."
+
+"Dearest wife," I cried, "at your age you must not dream of joining in such
+dangerous sports. Besides I don't think the summer is quite the season for
+Spain."
+
+"Who's talking about Spain? And what is this insinuation about my age? But
+a few short years have sped since you took me from the schoolroom----"
+
+"Where you _would_ mix up the proverbs in your copy-book. But let us get
+back to our starting-point; what exactly is it you meditate doing this
+summer--if any?"
+
+"Taking the children to the seaside, of course; and, as I said, we must
+make our arrangements well in advance, otherwise we shall get left, as we
+did last year, and have to put up with lodgings in Margate."
+
+"Have you any particular place in view?" I asked.
+
+"No. But it must have a nice sandy beach for Barbara, and must not be too
+bracing for Baby, and there must be one or two caves dotted about, and a
+snug little harbour with a dear old fisherman who can take you sailing,
+and--oh, and we'll bask on the shore all day and watch the ripples dancing
+in the sun----"
+
+"And hear the starfish calling to his mate," I extemporised.
+
+"And we'll live a life of freedom in a corner by ourselves," she continued
+with a disconcerting change of metre into which I could not hope to follow
+her. But her words gave me an idea.
+
+"I do believe," I said, "I know the exact spot you're pining for.
+To-morrow, something tells me, is Saturday. On Saturday I down tools at
+twelve. Meet me on the weighing-machine at Victoria Cross a quarter after
+noon and I will show you the place you seek."
+
+"The man's a marvel," said Suzanne. "What frocks shall I pack for the
+week-end?"
+
+"We return before nightfall," I replied.
+
+Next day I sought Suzanne at the appointed hour and station. She had taken
+my words literally and was steadfastly occupying the automatic weighing
+machine, with her back impassively turned upon an indignant youth who was
+itching to gamble a penny on the chance of guessing his avoirdupois.
+Quietly I crept behind her and placed a coin in the slot, simultaneously
+pressing my foot upon the platform. Suzanne gazed with mingled horror and
+fascination at the mounting indicator, and at sixteen stone jumped off with
+a gasp on to my disengaged foot. For a few moments I could have believed
+that the machine had recorded the truth.
+
+When we had both regained our composure Suzanne inquired if I had got the
+tickets. The moment for enlightenment had arrived.
+
+I led her to a hoarding and placed her in front of a poster which depicted
+a most alluring seaside resort. The sea was of the royalest blue, the sands
+were a rich 22-carat; there was a cave in the left foreground, a
+gaily-striped tent on the right, and a tiny harbour with yacht attached in
+the middle distance; and, with the exception of a lady escaped from a
+lingerie advertisement whom vandal hands had pasted on the scene, the sole
+occupants of this coastal Paradise were a gentleman in over-tailored
+flannels, red blazer and Guards' tie who was dancing a Bacchanale with a
+bath-towel, a small boy who was apparently fleeing from his parent's
+frenzy, and a smaller girl, mostly sun-bonnet, who was nursing a
+jelly-fish. Beneath the picture was the legend, "You Can Let Yourself Go at
+Giddyville."
+
+I looked anxiously at Suzanne as she surveyed this masterpiece.
+
+"Well," I said at last, "isn't that the place of your dreams? It's all
+practically as you described it last night, and you will observe that it's
+by no means overcrowded."
+
+"But what objectionable children!" said Suzanne. "I shouldn't at all care
+for Barbara to mix with them; and jelly-fish sting. Besides, that boat
+doesn't look at all safe, and the man's a bounder in every sense of the
+word. What's this other place?"
+
+I was disappointed, and considered Suzanne's criticism superficial in the
+extreme. The next pictures showed an emerald sea and pink shore, two piers,
+a flock of aeroplanes, and a structure that combined the characteristic
+features of the Eiffel Tower and the Albert Memorial. One suspected a herd
+of minstrels in the distance, but here again the beach was remarkably and
+invitingly uncongested. A solitary barefooted maiden communing with a
+crustacean rather caught my fancy, but it didn't need the angle of
+Suzanne's nose to tell me that "Puddlesey for Pleasure" was a wash-out;
+frankly, it was too good to believe that all the holiday-makers but one
+were content to patronise either the piers or the aeroplanes or the hidden
+attractions of the architectural outrage, and to leave the beach so
+desirably vacant.
+
+We passed over in eloquent silence a couple of lurid _affiches_ which
+declared that "Exhampton Is So Exhilarating" (a middle-aged person in
+side-whiskers and a purple bathing-suit attempting to drown his unfortunate
+wife), and that "Rooksea Will Restore the Roses" (a fragile young woman in
+a deck-chair being nourished out of a box of chocolates by a sentimental
+ass whose attire proclaimed him a member of the local concert party). The
+next scene to engage our attention was much more simple in its appeal and
+striking in its effect. The sea was neither so blatantly blue nor so
+vividly green as the other seas had been; the beach was but normally
+sandy-hued, and there was a delicious little fellow, clad in nothing much
+except seaweed, who was splashing himself with great seriousness in the
+middle of a shining pool. Again that amazing absence of the seaside crowd;
+but somehow or other this picture seemed to ring true. There were no piers
+or other "attractions," and to souls that shunned such delights the _aura_
+of the place was extremely sympathetic, A single glance sufficed to
+determine us both.
+
+"Quick!" said Suzanne with a catch in her breath. "What's the place
+called?"
+
+Alas! where the legend should have appeared was an ugly gap. The picture
+had been badly torn in its most vital part, and nothing was there to reveal
+the identity of that magic spot where that delightfully real and really
+delightful baby boy had been caught by the camera of the publicity agent.
+Hurriedly we sought the Inquiry Bureau, but no answer could be obtained to
+Suzanne's incoherent questionings. We have since written to various
+agencies, but in vain; nor, strangely enough, in spite of much searching,
+have we ever seen the poster exhibited anywhere else.
+
+Suzanne, however, who has not given up her sanguine interest in the sport
+of bull-baiting, is still intent on taking time by the horns and getting in
+before the rush. She has just compiled a list of "likely" places (selected
+for the most part because she likes the sound of their names), to which we
+are apparently to pay week-end visits of exploration. I have calculated
+that long before we come to the end of these expeditions the summer--if
+any--will be over. Whether we shall ever find the land of our hearts'
+desire is, as the bull himself said, a toss-up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shopman._ "AMMONIA? AY, I HAE AMMONIA, BUT THE STOPPER'S
+OOT AN' THE GUIDNESS GANE."
+
+_Customer._ "WELL, HAVE YOU BENZINE?"
+
+_Shopman._ "BENZINE? AY, I HAE BENZINE, BUT THE STOPPER'S IN AN' I CANNA
+GET IT OOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No More "Feed the Brute."
+
+     "The speaker advised the women not to go in for pastry politics, but
+     to be good suffragettes, working only for the benefit of their
+     sex."--_South African Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is now announced that the America Cup defender, as well as the
+     challenger, will be steered by an amateur helmsman, Mr. Charles Adams,
+     of Boston, having undertaken the duty."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We congratulate Mr. ADAMS on his impartiality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BULLDOG BREED.
+
+_Sportsman_ (_whose opponent has just achieved the hole in one_). "THIS FOR
+A HALF!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPRING SONG.
+
+     [A daily paper states that very few housewives will be able to indulge
+     in the luxury of Spring cleaning this year owing to the enormous
+     increase in the cost of materials and labour.]
+
+                        Sing!
+          I will make me a song about Spring;
+  I will write with delight of the brightness in store;
+  I will sing of a Spring never dreamed of before,
+  A Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,
+  A season of reason, a Spring without cleaning,
+  A Spring without painters, a Spring without pain,
+  A Spring that for once will not drive me insane.
+  I lift up my voice and rejoice at this thing,
+              This excellent Spring.
+
+                        Di
+          Will in all probability cry;
+  She will rave at the news and refuse with disgust;
+  She will say that she _must_ have a thrust at the dust;
+          But I know what I'm saying,
+            We've got to go slow;
+          We _can't_ go on paying--
+            Spring-cleaning must go.
+  It's the knell of the mop and the doom of the broom;
+  We cannot afford to do even one room;
+  If she wants her own way I shall say with a frown,
+  "It's too dear, and I fear, until prices come down,
+  We must try and deny ourselves this little thing."
+              Magnificent Spring!
+
+                        I'm
+          Going to have a delectable time;
+  Though in previous years I've been hustled about,
+  And they've driven me mad till I had to go out,
+  Without flurry or worry this year I shall stay
+  And know just where to look for my book ev'ry day;
+          It's the finest of schemes;
+            It's a blessing, a miracle;
+          Spring of my dreams,
+            I can't _help_ growing lyrical
+  Over this quite unbelievable thing--
+              Glorious Spring!
+
+                        This
+          Is a song of unqualified bliss;
+  I have never sung quite such a song in my life;
+  I have nothing but jeers for the tears of my wife;
+  She may moan, she may groan, she may weep and grow wild,
+  But the Spring shall remain undisturbed, undefiled,
+  Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning,
+  Spring as it ought to be, Spring without cleaning;
+              Halcyon days!
+              Oh, let us raise
+  Shouts of thanksgiving and paeans of praise.
+  Join me, O men. Bound the world let it ring--
+            _Exquisite_ Spring!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The Town Clerk said that Kilkenny coal, or coal raised elsewhere in
+     Ireland, was uncontrollable."--_Irish Paper._
+
+Like most other things in that country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "CUSTOMERS IN LONDON.--Hardly creditable, yet true; we satisfy them;
+     let us satisfy you. ---- Laundry."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+On the contrary, we think it most creditable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OCCASIONAL COMRADES.
+
+MR. ASQUITH. "AS I WAS SAYING THE OTHER DAY, 'THERE ARE MANY ROADS WE CAN
+TRAVEL SIDE BY SIDE.' THIS IS ONE OF THEM."
+
+LABOUR. "AH! AND AS YOU WERE ALSO SAYING ON VARIOUS OTHER OCCASIONS--'WAIT
+AND SEE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IT IS UNDERSTOOD THAT MR. NEIL MACLEAN AND MR. DAN IRVING
+HAVE DECIDED TO BOYCOTT THE HAIR-CUTTING INDUSTRY PENDING ITS
+NATIONALISATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Addison Bird._ "BEAUTIFUL SPRING WEATHER, JOHN."
+
+_John Bullfinch._ "YES, MY DEAR. BUT YOU DON'T SERIOUSLY MEAN TO START
+BUILDING--WHAT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, March 22nd._--As if the condition of Ireland were not bad enough,
+Mr. CLEM EDWARDS sought to make our flesh creep by asking whether the
+Government had information that risings had been planned for Easter Monday,
+not only in that country but in Liverpool, Manchester and Glasgow as well.
+The PRIME MINISTER declined to answer the question, and was manifestly
+relieved when Mr. JACK JONES, with great tact, changed the subject by
+asking if a white blackbird had been caught that morning on Hackney
+Marshes.
+
+Lord WINTERTON and the other "Young Turks" were again inquisitive about the
+suppressed report of the alleged Greek outrages at Smyrna, until Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE put an end to the catechism with the remark that "Even Christians
+are entitled to a fair trial."
+
+Chafing under the accusation that the trade unions are largely responsible
+for preventing ex-Service men from obtaining employment the Labour Party
+pressed the PRIME MINISTER to produce his evidence. To-day they got it, in
+stacks. All the unions, in principle, are in favour of training disabled
+men, but in practice most of them require that a workman shall have worked
+at his craft for from three to six years before being admitted to their
+ranks. "You have fought for us, but you shall not work for us" is their
+attitude.
+
+On the Army Estimates Sir SAMUEL SCOTT pleaded for the formation of an
+Imperial General Staff. Even in peace-time there were plenty of problems to
+be solved. We should never be really at peace, moreover, so long as there
+were tribes on our frontiers who looked upon war as an amusement and a
+pastime, "as hon. Members look upon golf." Surely this is to underestimate
+the devotion of our earnest golfers. Judging by the condition of the links
+on Sunday I should say some of them look upon it as a religion.
+
+Mr. NEIL MACLEAN pretended not to understand why we wanted an army at all.
+Was not the last war "a war to end war"? But his main point--in which he
+will be surprised to find many quite respectable people agreeing with
+him--is that it should not be officered from one class. Mr. MACLEAN is not
+so revolutionary as he thinks himself. The most insurgent thing about him
+is his hair, and even that is not more rebellious than Mr. DAN IRVING'S.
+
+_Tuesday, March 23rd._--Lord PEEL was evidently surprised at the amount of
+opposition encountered by the Silver Coinage Bill. Having a specimen of the
+new shilling in his pocket he himself was feeling particularly bobbish, and
+could not understand the gloomy vaticinations of Lord BUCKMASTER and Lord
+SALISBURY as to what might happen in West Africa and elsewhere if we
+depreciated our currency. But his usual self-confidence so far deserted him
+that he confessed that he could not "answer for the whole of the British
+Empire at a moment's notice."
+
+The LORD CHANCELLOR refused to accept Lord BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH'S proposal
+to abolish the D.O.R.A. regulation forbidding the sale of confectionery in
+theatres, on the ground that it would be unfair to the ordinary shops to
+allow this competition, and that the business of the theatre was to supply
+drama not chocolate. Lord BALFOUR was unconvinced. His imagination boggled
+at the thought of a Scotsman, at any rate, paying for a seat in a theatre
+in order to purchase a shilling's worth of "sweeties."
+
+The House of Commons has a childlike sense of humour. There is nothing that
+it enjoys more than to have a Minister struggling with the pronunciation of
+some outlandish place-name. When, therefore, Mr. ILLINGWORTH, posed with
+the deficiencies of the mail service to Bryngwran and Gwalchmai, made a
+gallant but ineffectual effort to get over the first obstacle and evaded
+the second by calling it "the other place," Members roared with delighted
+laughter.
+
+In the further debate on the Army Estimates a good deal was said about the
+unfortunate events in Ireland. Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR had the grace to withdraw
+some of the unfortunate insinuations against the conduct of the British
+soldiers into which he had been betrayed the day before, but Messrs.
+KENWORTHY and MALONE repeated them with additions of their own, and
+incurred thereby a castigation from Mr. CHURCHILL which the House cordially
+approved.
+
+The Coal Mines (Emergency) Bill was read a third time. On behalf of the
+Labour Party, Mr. ADAMSON declared that the profits of the coal industry
+must be "pooled"--a proposition which would command general approval if
+there seemed any likelihood that consumers would receive a share of the
+pool.
+
+_Wednesday, March 24th._--Since DISRAELI startled a scientific meeting by
+declaring himself to be "on the side of the angels" there has been no more
+remarkable piece of self-revelation than Lord BIRKENHEAD'S defence of the
+Matrimonial Causes Bill. It was not so much his wealth of ecclesiastical
+lore or the impassioned appeal that he made for the victims of the present
+divorce law that impressed the Peers as the high line that he took in
+condemning the opponents of the measure. He as good as told the occupants
+of the Episcopal Bench that their view of marriage was lacking in
+spirituality. The Archbishop of CANTERBURY was so dumbfounded by the
+accusation that he meekly confessed himself unable to follow the LORD
+CHANCELLOR'S religious arguments. Lord SALISBURY displayed more pugnacity
+in a reassertion of views that had been described as "mediaeval
+superstition." But the Peers preferred the Use of Birkenhead to the Use of
+Sarum, and gave the Bill a Second Reading by a two-to-one majority.
+
+In the course of the debate Lord BUCKMASTER expressed his regret that so
+effective an orator as the Archbishop of YORK should have deserted the Law
+for the Church. After this afternoon's display I could not help wondering
+what would have happened if "F. E.'s" call had been to the Church instead
+of the Bar, and whether a shovel-hat would not have suited him even better
+than a wig.
+
+Members who display a friendly interest in the revival of German trade were
+gratified to learn that the clock-manufacturers, at any rate, are taking
+time by the forelock and are already sending their goods to this country.
+So far are they, moreover, from cherishing animosity or desiring to magnify
+the Fatherland that they modestly label them "Westminster Chimes." It is
+pleasant to record that the Board of Trade, exhibiting the same spirit of
+self-abnegation, has insisted on substituting the time-honoured
+inscription, "Made in Germany."
+
+It is a mistake to suppose that there are no limits to the ambition of the
+GEDDES family. "I never wanted air-transport," said Sir ERIC this
+afternoon, and later on he expressly disclaimed the megalomania which had
+been attributed to him "by those best able to diagnose the disease." He is
+certainly coming on as a Parliamentary speaker, and gave an informing and,
+on the whole, hopeful account of the work of the railways in promoting
+reconstruction.
+
+_Thursday, March 25th._--The PRIME MINISTER was rather husky this
+afternoon. He had been having a strenuous time with the miners and possibly
+some of the coal-dust had got into his throat. But his spirit is unabated,
+and he flatly refused to withdraw his charge that the trade unions, by
+refusing to modify their regulations, are holding up the building industry.
+
+In connection with the proposal to raise the Tube fares, Mr. WILL THORNE
+inquired whether this would not mean an increase of two pounds a week in
+the expenditure of some families, and, on the figure being challenged, said
+that it was quite correct, for one of the families was his own. Members
+entered into rapid calculations on their Order Papers with the view of
+discovering how many olive-branches had sprung from this THORNE.
+
+After Mr. ASQUITH'S "prave 'orts" at the National Liberal Club the mildness
+of his criticism upon the Government's foreign policy sadly disappointed
+his more ardent supporters. His only concrete suggestion was that we should
+surrender our mandate for Mesopotamia and retire to the coast, and this did
+not meet with much approval.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The POSTMASTER-GENERAL, Mr. ILLINGWORTH_ (_after some
+unsuccessful attempts to ring up the PRIME MINISTER for particulars about
+the pronunciation of Gwalchmai_). "AH WELL, IF I CAN'T GET ON TO DAVID
+WITHIN THE NEXT HALF-HOUR I MUST CONTENT MYSELF WITH CALLING IT 'THE OTHER
+PLACE.'" [_Does so._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RIGHT REVEREND THE LORD BISHOP OF BIRKENHEAD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDIARUBBER BLOKE.
+
+The train ran into Victoria Station and pandemonium.
+
+A struggling mass of people trying to get out, another mass trying to get
+in; everybody pushing and muttering, grunting and groaning; and above all
+the howling of the Specially Selected Band of Hustlers in their now famous
+and unpopular performance:--
+
+"'Urry up off the car, please. WAIT till they're all off. Move right down
+the centre, please. Wot are you doin' there? Come orf it if you're comin'
+orf. Get a move on, please. 'Urry up on board. Come on there. RIGHT
+BEHIND."
+
+A siren shrilled and we were moving again.
+
+"Can't you set the kid down, Mother?" said a voice. "You can't carry her
+like that. Be quiet, 'Enry, will you."
+
+I managed to struggle out of my seat.
+
+"Thank you, Sir," said the man. "Sit down, Em'ly. That's better. Now you
+can 'old the kid. Shut up, 'Enry, will you?"
+
+I looked for Henry and found him wedged in a forest of legs.
+
+"I think he's afraid of being trodden on," I said.
+
+We managed, with some effort, to extract the child and make him a little
+more comfortable. His father turned with a sigh of relief to me.
+
+"Awful business travellin' with kids nowadays, ain't it?" he said.
+
+"I can quite believe it," I said.
+
+"Bad enough anywhere," he went on, "but on this line--well--and they stick
+up placards tellin' you to be patient. Patient! With a wife and two kids,
+and them young jackanapes at Victoria a-howling at you all the time. If
+there's one thing I 'ate it's bein' 'ustled." He laughed resentfully.
+"'Come on, get a move on.' 'Jump to it!' Shoutin' and howlin' till you
+don't know whether you're gettin' on or gettin' orf. Anybody'd think we was
+a lot of blinkin' animals."
+
+Something clicked inside my head (I hesitate to suggest what) and the
+carriage and the swaying people went out of focus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a little squad of soldiers piling arms.
+
+"Stand clear," said the subaltern in charge.
+
+"Stand at--ease. Stand easy. Carry on, Sergeant."
+
+The P.T. Instructor came forward.
+
+"Now, lads," he said briskly, "take off your equipment and your tunics and
+puttees and roll up your sleeves. And while you're doin' it listen to your
+Uncle Brown, who's goin' to give things away.
+
+"I 'aven't took any of you lads before--(come along there, my son; we ain't
+syncopatin' the movements)--but I'm told you're all B.E.F. men. Well then,
+I expect you think you know something. So you do. You know what a Jerry
+looks like and what a Whizzbang sounds like. But that ain't much. You don't
+know me. 'Ave a good look at me. You'll 'ear what I _sound_ like in a
+minute."
+
+He paused for effect and breath.
+
+"Now you 'ave 'ad a look at me you'll know me. Not the Apollo Belgravia,
+but just plain Brown--Mrs. Brown's old man--that's me; and thank 'Eaven
+it's 'im you've got to deal with and not Mr. Brown's old woman. Now we'll
+get to work, lads, and 'ustle's the word."
+
+He moved away a few paces.
+
+"When I say 'Round me nip,'" he shouted, "I want to see a cloud of dust and
+a livin' statue. Round me--NIP!"
+
+There was boxing.
+
+"'It 'im," yelled Brown; "you ain't doin' a foxtrot! Bite 'is ear orf! Make
+'is nose bleed!"
+
+Their noses bled.
+
+There were bayonet charges on stuffed sacks.
+
+"Kick 'em," roared Brown, leaping round like a dervish; "make faces at 'em!
+I want to see ye getting uglier every minute."
+
+They grew uglier.
+
+Half-an-hour later the squad, limp and perspiring, lay down for a rest.
+
+"Well, you've not done too bad," said Brown; "you're all breathin', anyway.
+Get dressed now, and don't be 'alf-an-hour at it. Don't forget, my lads,
+'ustle's the word what makes such men as me--and you too by the time I've
+finished with you. I'll make it a bit stiffer to-morrow."
+
+He strolled off.
+
+A voice arose from the squad:--
+
+"Anybody'd think we was a lot of blinkin' animals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I came back suddenly to the carriage and the crush.
+
+"So you've altered your ideas about hustling?" I said.
+
+"Altered them? Why?"
+
+"Well," I said, "I can remember a day when Mrs. Brown's old man----"
+
+"Why, Sir, you mean to say----"
+
+"I do," I said.
+
+And after a time:--
+
+"Well, good-bye, Sergeant. Awfully glad to have seen you again, and to know
+you don't like being hustled any more than we did."
+
+He laughed.
+
+"One for you, Sir," he said. "But after all you was carrying a rifle, not a
+bloomin' baby."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman._ "IS THAT YOUR BABY?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "NO, SIR, IT AIN'T OURN. WE AIN'T 'AD NONE SINCE ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Cool Reception.
+
+     "VISIT OF 10 WESLEYAN MINISTERS.
+
+     ---- Wesleyan Church.
+
+     'Is happiness possible to-day?'"
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Nursery Governess to go to Jamaica early May; two boys ages seven and
+     four; one able to give first lessons and music."--_Times._
+
+Then why can't he teach the other?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY.
+
+     Exceptional Purchase of ---- Cigars. Weight about 1-1/2 lbs. Length 5
+     inches."
+
+     _Advt. in Evening Paper._
+
+But only suitable, we should imagine, for very heavy smokers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Ex-Government Bedside Tables, make Boat Cupboards, Safes, Bookcases,
+     Wash-stands, etc., not large enough to live in."
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+Not a solution of the housing problem after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Head of the House._ "DON'T THINK I'M COMPLAINING, EMMA. I
+KNOW I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY NEW CLOTHES, AND DON'T IN THE LEAST OBJECT TO
+HAVING WILFRID'S TROUSERS CUT DOWN TO FIT ME; BUT THE BAG OF THE KNEE MAKES
+THEM FALL SO AWKWARD AT THE ANKLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCREEN _v._ STAGE.
+
+     [According to Mr. W. G. FAULKNER, who has recently interviewed CHARLIE
+     CHAPLIN at Los Angeles, the great film comedian chiefly reads serious
+     books on philosophy and social problems, being specially interested in
+     the prices of food and clothing. Romantic novels have no attraction
+     for him, and it is nonsense to say that he ever hoped to play
+     _Hamlet_, for "he does not like Shakespeare, whose works neither
+     entertain nor interest him."]
+
+  There is bitter grief at Stratford, on the silver Avon's marge,
+  Where the cult of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE is extremely fine and large,
+  For across the broad Atlantic comes the petrifying news
+  That the greatest film comedian does not care for WILLIAM'S Muse.
+
+  Serious problems--economics and the price of margarine--
+  Occupy the hours of leisure that he snatches from the screen;
+  But the works of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE he dismisses as inane,
+  And he harbours no ambition to enact the princely Dane.
+
+  This momentous revelation, little birds reveal to me,
+  Has produced a spasm of anguish in the heart of SIDNEY LEE;
+  Wails arise from HENRY AINLEY, BENSON, LANG and MOSCOVITCH,
+  Though so far no word of protest emanates from LITTLE TICH.
+
+  Still, by way of compensation for this ruthless turning down
+  Of the chief Elizabethan by a neo-Georgian clown,
+  'Tis averred that STOLL (Sir OSWALD), in a life of storm and stress,
+  Finds distraction from his labours in the works of WILLIAM S.
+
+  In this context I may notice that the "consequential" KEYNES
+  From an economic survey of the cinema abstains;
+  But this curious lacuna does not prove that he has missed
+  CHARLIE CHAPLIN'S true importance as a sociologist.
+
+  All the same, good Viscount MORLEY is, we are prepared to state,
+  Unaware of the existence of the peerless HARRY TATE;
+  And the name of MARY PICKFORD doesn't palpably convey
+  Any sort of connotation to the mind of Viscount GREY.
+
+  This is much to be regretted, but I'm not without the hope
+  That our publicists and statesmen may enlarge their mental scope
+  By frequenting entertainments where the pleased spectators rock
+  At the antics of GEORGE ROBEY or the drolleries of GROCK.
+
+  So, conversely, CHARLIE CHAPLIN, in a later, mellower phase,
+  May attain to the enjoyment of Elizabethan plays,
+  And, when economic problems on his jaded palate pall,
+  Recognise that there is something in our WILLIAM after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a lover's letter, read recently in court:--
+
+     "I see those self-same eyes, which are my own love's, looking at each
+     other with all that tenderness with which they once looked into
+     mine."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+It would appear that the object of his affections suffered from some
+obliquity of vision.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR "DUMB" PETS BUREAU.
+
+AS ONE OF FAMILY--CAT (lady), elderly; would give slight services (mousing,
+etc.) in return for comfortable home. No dogs. Highest refs. Strictest
+confidence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARROT seeks sit. with refined conversationalists. Eighty years in last
+place. Cause of leaving, death of owner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RABBIT.--Quiet, domesticated, with family of nine, wishes to find home with
+vegetarians. Sleep out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOG, young, seeks home in cheerful family. Well-bred society. Children not
+objected to. Liberal table and good outings necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PONY, no longer young, quiet tastes, is seeking post with family where
+motor is kept.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOW, eleven encumbrances, wishes to board with Jewish family. Liberal
+table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONELY goldfish would like to meet with another similarly situated. View to
+partnership.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DONKEY, at present in seaside town, wishes post inland during holiday
+months. Suitable for bed-ridden invalid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANARY, powerful notes, enthusiastic singer, seeks board-residence with
+musical family.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOMES FROM HOME--CUCKOOS coming England in April desire addresses of
+well-appointed nests for depositing eggs. Personally investigated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AU PAIR--ROBIN, having maisonette larger than he requires (flower-pot),
+would like to find another to share it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKEREL, early riser, smart, good appearance, seeks sit. in country house.
+Preference for one with home-farm immediately adjacent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PET LAMB, the property of butcher's daughter, desires home with humane
+gentlewomen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPANIEL, field, rather stout but pleasing appearance, is giving up country
+pursuits owing to difference with game-keeper. Would join lady in carriage
+drives and meals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEKINESE, noble birth, would go as companion in Ducal family living in good
+neighbourhood. Carriage. No knowledge of Chinese required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I'M LOOKING FOR MY MOTHER. HAS SHE BEEN IN HERE? I KNOW SHE
+WENT TO BUY A CHICKEN, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE HER CHICKEN BUTCHER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"EXPORT SECTION.
+
+     SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES AND OTHER PROBLEMS."
+
+     _Canadian Gazette._
+
+But we understand that the late President of the Board of Trade is no
+longer a problem. The last thing he did before leaving office was to issue
+a licence for his own exportation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Soldier Ants of New Zealand.
+
+     "Details of the distribution of the payments to soldiers' wives in
+     lieu of separation allowances have not yet been finally approved, but
+     the amount is to be made up to 3s. a day. Sir James Allen told a Post
+     reporter this morning; in reply ants and 2nd lieutenants would share
+     in the distribution."
+
+     _New Zealand Paper._
+
+     "The Defence Minister was asked by Mr. G. Witty if he would extend the
+     payment of gratuities on behalf of deceased soldiers to sisters and
+     cousins when the soldier had made a will to that effect."--_Same
+     paper, later._
+
+The reason why Mr. WITTY'S solicitude was limited to the sisters and
+cousins evidently was that the ants had been already provided for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Sir Oliver's personality is like that of one of the prophets of old.
+     Venerable, white of beard and what scanty locks of hair remain, a
+     dome-like head, over six feet in height."
+
+     _Boston Herald._
+
+This must be the result of the American atmosphere, as we are quite certain
+that the last time we saw Sir OLIVER his head was not an inch over three
+feet in height.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEMOBBED.
+
+INDIA, 1920.
+
+  "I'm goin' home," said Hennessey, "for I've been East too long;
+  I want the English hedges an' fields an' the English thrush's song,
+  An' the honest English faces an' never nobody black;
+  It's home for mine," said Hennessey, "so it's down your tents and pack.
+        It'll pass out here
+        For a month or a year,
+      But not for a lifetime--no dam fear.
+  I want my folks," said Hennessey, "an' I'm jolly well goin' back."
+  But _I_ said, "Home's gone different an' I've somehow lost the touch,
+  An' nobody's written for fifty years, so _they_'re not worryin' much;
+  An' I like it here; I love it." Says Hennessey, "Well, I'm shot!
+  Would ye die an' be buried in India?" "Well, Natty," says I, "why not?"
+
+  "East Africa, then," said Hennessey; "it's a promisin' place is that--
+  Money to make an' jobs galore, easy an' rich an' fat;
+  An' think of the ridin' an' shootin' an' the camp an' the trekkin' too;
+  _You_'ve no ties," said Hennessey; "it's the place for a chap like you.
+        There's a grand career
+        For a pioneer,
+      Which is more than ever you'll see out here.
+  East Africa's it," said Hennessey, "if the half they say is true."
+  But _I_ said, "Blow East Africa an' slavin' yourself all day;
+  I'm an idle man--bone idle--with a little bit saved away,
+  An' I like them palm-tree beaches an' the warm blue sunlit sea;
+  East India, yes, an' welcome, but East Africa--no, not me."
+
+  "Well, Palestine," said Hennessey; but I cut him short and sweet,
+  An' "Natty," I said, "I've heard it all an' I don't want to repeat--
+  Jerusalem or Mombasa, Tahiti or Timbuctoo,
+  Or careers an' pioneerin' an' the rest of it all--nah poo!
+        It's no good, Nat,
+        For I tell you flat
+      I've cottoned to India an' that's just that;
+  _Bus hogeva_; all done--finish; I'm here till the trees turn blue,
+  For I love them early mornings, shiny an' clear an' grey,
+  An' I love the cool o' the evening when the temple drummers play,
+  An' the long, long, lazy afternoons, when the whole creation sleeps--
+  Quit it? Old man, I couldn't; I'm India's now for keeps.
+
+  "So Hennessey, you go home," I says, "an' see to the wife an' kid."
+  "You'll follow me there one day," says he, an' I says, "Heaven forbid!
+  I'll just be goin' about an' about an' keepin' an open mind
+  An' sometimes doin' a job o' work, but not if I'm not inclined;
+        An' I won't care
+        If I'm here or there,
+      Jungle or forest or feast or fair;
+  I'll take it all as it comes along, as the Maker o' things designed;
+  I'll tramp it North to the Kashmir hills an' South to the Nilgiris;
+  I'll find my friends as I find my fun--and that's where I dam well
+            please;
+  An' never no _saman_ or houses or taxes or servants to send things
+            wrong."
+  "It wouldn't suit me," said Hennessey. "It wouldn't," says I. "So long!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACTRESS.
+
+You are doubtless aware that in the successful musical comedy, _The Girl of
+Forty-Seven_, there is a scene in which Miss Verbena Vaine, as
+_Clementina_, the horse-dealer's beautiful daughter, denounces the
+disreputable old veterinary surgeon, _Binnett_, so whimsically played by
+that ripe comedian, Mr. Sid Apps.
+
+On my first visit to the play many weeks ago an incident occurred which
+both enhanced Mr. Apps's reputation for spontaneous humour and highly
+diverted the audience.
+
+It will be remembered that at the climax of her outburst, _Clementina_,
+with eyes ablaze and voice vibrating with passion, hisses, "Loathsome
+scoundrel, how I detest and despise you!" On the evening to which I refer a
+mock-submissive look came into Apps's face when these words were spoken,
+and he interrupted gently, "Not too much soda, Verbena," glancing with
+mischievous curiosity to see how she would take his humorous comment upon
+her emphatic utterance of this line of many sibilants.
+
+The audience was greatly delighted by this effect. Miss Vaine failed
+completely to maintain the _role_ of the indignant beauty and turned her
+back to the footlights to hide her face, though her laughter was betrayed
+by the shaking of her handsome shoulders. There was a pause of some moments
+before she resumed, "My father shall know of this," and so forth.
+
+Last week, when Doris, my niece, chose that I should take her to see _The
+Girl of Forty-Seven_, I was not unwilling again to enjoy Apps's humour. I
+listened with especial care as we approached the scene in the play to which
+I have referred. Perhaps he would employ some still more successful gag. At
+last came _Clementina's_ outburst. "Loathsome scoundrel, how I detest and
+despise you!" she exclaimed with vehemence. "Not too much soda, Verbena,"
+replied the comedian gently, with a mischievous glance of curiosity. The
+actress gave a look of amazement, then quickly turned her back to the
+audience, where she stood for some moments with her face in her hands and
+her shoulders shaking, the audience laughing aloud with delight. The action
+of the play was delayed for some moments before Miss Verbena Vaine resumed
+her part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Sinecure.
+
+     "Wanted, Housemaid, L45, for three in family, three maids; no
+     children; good room; all time off usual."--_Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Domestic Problem.
+
+     "----'s Registry have ladies waiting here daily, 2 to 4.30, for all
+     kinds of maids (with or without experience)."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+We don't doubt it for a moment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Councillor ----: Can we afford to allow the town to be in real
+     jeopardy every hour?
+
+     The Chairman (to the Brigade Captain): Did you have to take the horses
+     away from a funeral the other day, when there was a call?
+
+     Brigade Captain: We had to wait until the funeral party got back."
+
+     _Local Paper._
+
+  "Where are the gees of the Old Brigade?"
+  "Gone to a funeral, Sir," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUNT STEEPLECHASE.
+
+_Voice from the Crowd_ (_to sportsman whose horse has refused the brook_).
+"NOW THEN, GUVNOR, WHAT YER AFRAID OF?--SPOILING THE FISHING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Countless readers, fusionists and others, will be glad to have Mr. HAROLD
+SPENDER'S sparkling abstract of the more romantic passages in the life of
+_The Prime Minister_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). The first half of the book
+describes the upbringing and early battles of this man of peace, Rose
+Cottage at Llanystumdwy with "Uncle Lloyd"--there is a touching picture of
+the courage, wisdom and unselfishness of this grand old man--the little
+attorney's office at Portmadoc, squire- and parson-baiting _passim_,
+capture of Carnarvon Boroughs, guerilla tactics in the House, suspension,
+recognition, pacifism, office, original budgeting, Limehousing (very
+reticently indicated), social reform. Then War and the supreme opportunity
+for the energy, persuasiveness, adroitness and determination which must
+extort even from opponents the tribute of admiration. Not a dull page;
+occasionally an obscure one. None of your cold and calculated criticism for
+Mr. SPENDER. Have idols clay feet? Well, not this one, thank you. And it
+is an attitude which enables him to convey to the reader something of the
+irresistible personal magnetism of his distinguished friend, and the
+courage which delights in riding the storm and is at its best in the tight
+corner (one might suspect the PREMIER of holding the view that if there
+were no tight corners it would be necessary to invent them). The summary of
+the War period is admirably done. The history of events leading to the
+formation of the second Coalition Government--and the third--is again
+tactfully presented. It would be unreasonable to suppose that all of Mr.
+SPENDER'S verdicts and estimates will be unchallenged by historians. But it
+is unlikely that the PREMIER will find a more competent hagiographer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A story that so far violates the conventions as to start with a mother
+whose moral instability is a worry to her children, and a hero who longs to
+be a practical builder despite a parental command to follow art--such a
+tale can at least claim the merit of originality. Mr. J. D. BERESFORD would
+be fully justified in claiming this and much more for _An Imperfect Mother_
+(COLLINS). Here is an interesting, fascinating and certainly unusual story,
+in which only two characters are of any real moment, _Cecilia_, the
+imperfect mother, embodiment of the artist temperament, egotistical almost
+to inhumanity, who abandons her dull husband and boring daughters to "live
+her own life"; and _Stephen_, the son, who alone can give her a
+half-sympathetic, half-resentful understanding. You see already the
+cleverness of Mr. BERESFORD'S conception. Really, it is just this that
+works (at least for me) its undoing. His characters are fashioned with the
+nicest ingenuity; the positions into which he so dextrously manipulates
+them compel your interest and delighted wonder; but never once do they
+touch your emotions, and never once can you see them as anything but the
+creations of a highly talented brain. This is the more strange because Mr.
+BERESFORD'S people are as a rule so convincingly real. Perhaps to some
+degree the effect of artifice is due to the author's exclusive
+preoccupation with his central character. _Cecilia's_ husband, her
+daughters, the home of her early married life, are shown to us only by the
+light of her flashing personality; this withdrawn, they simply cease to
+exist. On the whole, therefore, I should call _An Imperfect Mother_ a
+highly entertaining example of pure intellect, admirable but uninspired,
+which for my own part I enjoyed amazingly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Though "E. H. ANSTRUTHER" (Mrs. J. C. SQUIRE) has called her latest story
+_The Husband_ (LANE) one can hardly resist the feeling that this is rather
+a generous description of the central character, who indulged in so much
+philandering with one person or another that it is difficult to regard him
+as more than a husband in, so to speak, his spare time. _Richard
+Dennithorne_, I must believe, was a "ladies' man" in two senses, since he
+is undeniably a very womanly conception of the all-conquering male, with
+indeed more than a little of _Mr. Rochester_ in his composition. The story
+tells how _Penelope_, the heroine, comes to live with her adopted aunt
+_Margery_, of whom _Richard_ was the spouse (intermittent); how _Richard_,
+at the moment absent upon amorous affairs, returned, and so fascinated
+_Penelope_ with his masterful ways that she fled to London; how, almost
+immediately after, she stultified her precautions, but saved the plot, by
+becoming _Richard's_ secretary at his office in that city; and how,
+finally, poor _Margery_ (who throughout monopolised my sympathy), having
+generously expired, _Penelope_ and the ex-husband fell into each other's
+arms. Of course there is a lot more than this really, so don't think that I
+have spoilt the fun for you. As for the quality of the tale, this, I fancy,
+may be better appreciated by women than men, since, as I have hinted, its
+outlook is so essentially feminine. Mrs. SQUIRE writes with sincerity and
+brings her characters to life. She needs, however, to remember that words
+unwatched are dangerous. Such slipshod phrasing as "_young_ muscular
+_youth_" must grieve the judicious, while the effect of the sentimental
+interview on p. 99 was simply ruined for me through the unfortunate
+suggestion conveyed by "her blood rose _in a boil_ to her face." The
+italics are mine, but the proof-reading is (or should have been) the
+author's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Miser's Money_ (HEINEMANN) brings Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS back to Devonshire,
+and I wave my little flag to welcome him. Of late he has sometimes been a
+shade too didactic for my liking, but here he gives us yet another plain
+tale of his beloved moor, and he is instructive only in showing the danger
+of too much money--a danger at which most of us can in these days afford to
+smile. The _Mortimers_ were, one would have supposed, a clan unlikely to be
+moved from their native soil by anything less convulsive than an
+earthquake. But money did it. One of them was a miser, and when he
+died--after a terrific gorge at his brother's expense--he left trouble
+behind him. Some of his relations wanted more of his money than was good
+for their souls, and one of them (actually) fought shy of receiving her
+proper share. Altogether a pretty tangle, which was not unravelled until
+the _Mortimers_ had resolved to try new pastures. True, they did not go
+very far, but the disturbing influence of money is sufficiently illustrated
+by the fact that it induced such deeply-rooted folk to move at all. If the
+theme of this story is a little sordid it is relieved by its treatment from
+any reproach, and faithful followers of the PHILLPOTTS' trail will enjoy
+every word of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All that we ever hoped--some day, when the War was over--to hear about
+those most fascinating mysteries, the Tanks, has been put together by Major
+C. and Mr. A. WILLIAMS-ELLIS, under the title _The Tank Corps_ (_Country
+Life_ Offices). Here are genuine uncamouflaged pictures of all kinds of
+tanks, with detailed maps and descriptions showing their operations, as
+well as stories not only of those that walked in orthodox fashion through
+enemy villages "with the British army cheering behind," but of others that
+disappeared entire in mud, or drove themselves unaided back to our lines
+when too full of gas to be occupied, or scrunched up batteries of
+field-guns, or cruised alone for hours, like the famous one called Musical
+Box, among the enemy's communications, or crossed vast trenches over
+bundles of faggots carried upon their backs. Every boy of the right kind
+who inherits the proper zeal for mechanisms will certainly find in this
+book the most absorbing of yarns. Not that the subject is treated in the
+least lightly or frivolously, but, since the barest truth is here
+incredible romance, the authors, soberly collecting materials from
+despatches, diaries and so on, as well as drawing on their own obvious
+first-hand knowledge, have achieved a fairy-tale of mechanics. That the
+crews were no less wonderful than their machines we knew before, but the
+writers' modest yet illuminating account of the difficulties under which
+they worked is none the less welcome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you decide to go on _Circuits_ (METHUEN) with Mr. PHILIP CAMBORNE you
+will find him an interesting and informing companion. His hero and heroine
+are a Wesleyan minister and his wife, so completely out of tune with the
+usual heroes of contemporary fiction that they are actually shameless
+enough to be in love with one another from the first page to the last.
+Though he shows a remarkable insight into the lives of Wesleyan ministers,
+Mr. CAMBORNE declines the popular methods of sectarian fiction and refrains
+from any attempt to proselytize. Instead we are simply given a clear and
+often amusing account of what _Mark Frazer_ had to put up with in his
+wanderings from circuit to circuit. Mr. CAMBORNE is modern in confining
+himself to the history of a single family, but in outlook he belongs to a
+past century. And I mean that for a compliment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORICAL SCENE.--ROMULUS HEARS FROM HIS
+CONTRACTOR THAT ROME CANNOT BE BUILT IN A DAY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Motto for the Wee Frees when attempting to conciliate the Labour Party:
+Lib. and let Lab.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158,  March 31, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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