diff options
Diffstat (limited to '22698-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/22698-h.htm | 1930 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/145-600.png | bin | 0 -> 37923 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/145.png | bin | 0 -> 343410 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/146-600.png | bin | 0 -> 47669 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/146.png | bin | 0 -> 499539 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/147-492.png | bin | 0 -> 35997 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/147.png | bin | 0 -> 501940 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/148-500.png | bin | 0 -> 33254 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/148.png | bin | 0 -> 426494 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/149-342.png | bin | 0 -> 23579 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/149.png | bin | 0 -> 205553 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/150-600.png | bin | 0 -> 43617 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/150.png | bin | 0 -> 422284 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/151-354.png | bin | 0 -> 27513 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/151.png | bin | 0 -> 766155 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/153-305.png | bin | 0 -> 22603 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/153.png | bin | 0 -> 158129 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/154-319.png | bin | 0 -> 103862 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/154.png | bin | 0 -> 302341 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/155-600.png | bin | 0 -> 42059 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/155.png | bin | 0 -> 387519 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/156a-403.png | bin | 0 -> 22040 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/156a.png | bin | 0 -> 138848 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/156b-600.png | bin | 0 -> 25446 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-h/images/156b.png | bin | 0 -> 203991 bytes |
25 files changed, 1930 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/22698-h/22698-h.htm b/22698-h/22698-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4f41a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/22698-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1930 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 1, 1893, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + td {padding-left: 1em;} + td.note {text-align: left;font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: normal; border: 1px dashed; padding: 1em;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:25%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .poem1 + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem1 .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem1 p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem1 p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem1 p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem1 p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem1 p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem1 p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + hr.pg { width: 100%; + margin-top: 0em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + border: solid black; + height: 5px; } + pre {font-size: 75%; } + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +April 1, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 1, 1893</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Editor: Francis Burnand</p> +<p>Release Date: September 21, 2007 [eBook #22698]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 104, APRIL 1, 1893***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Volume 104, APRIL 1, 1893.</h2> + +<h3>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</h3> + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + +<h2>THE BUBBLE SHOP; OR, "ONLY HIS PLAY."</h2> + +<p>How many deserving persons besides dramatic authors are looking +about for good situations, and are unable to find them! Mr. <span class="sc">'Enry +Hauthor Jones</span> was sufficiently fortunate to obtain a good dramatic +situation of tried strength, which, placed in the centre of novel and +most improbable (not to say impossible) surroundings, has, in the +hands of Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Wyndham</span> and his highly trained company +of illusionists, achieved a remarkable success.</p> + +<p>Within the last few years there have been notorious cases +associated with the names of Members of Parliament, but as the +House is a Legislative Assembly and not an inquisitorial tribunal +instituted for the public investigation of private morality, no charge +could be brought in the House itself against any one of its Members +until after a Court of Law had pronounced its verdict, and, even +then, a Member of Parliament, convicted of a criminal offence, +would not cease <i>ipso facto</i> to belong to the House until after a motion +for his expulsion had been carried. As <i>Fritz</i> in <i>La Grande Duchesse</i> +expressed his wish to become a schoolmaster, in order that he might +obtain some smattering of education, so an immoral M.P. (if any +such there be) would be the very one to stand sponsor for a Bill for +the Better Preservation of Public Morals, with a view to gaining +that elementary knowledge of morality in which his education had +been defective. But no one could have brought up some awkward +case against him in the course of a debate in the House. In the parliamentary +proceedings of Little Peddlington this might be done, but +not in the House of Commons, which, by a very polite but necessary +fiction, is supposed to be a House of Uncommons, far above the +weaknesses of the ordinary human nature of mere Constituents.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/145.png"><img src="images/145-600.png" width="600" height="404" alt="Model Figures in the Criterion Toy-Shop." /></a><br /><br /><span class="sc">Model Figures in the Criterion Toy-Shop.</span></div> + +<p><i>Mr. Stoach</i> (capitally played by Mr. <span class="sc">J. Valentine</span>—but everybody +plays capitally in this piece) finds <i>Lord Clivebrooke</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Charles +Wyndham</span>—admirable also) between midnight and one in the morning +alone with charming <i>Jessie Keber</i> (Miss <span class="sc">Mary Moore</span>,—delightful!) +in old <i>Matthew Keber's</i> toy-shop, <i>Keber</i> himself (another very +clever impersonation by Mr. <span class="sc">W. H. Day</span>) having gone out on the sly +to get drunk on money supplied him by the aforesaid unscrupulous +<i>Stoach, M.P.</i> So what would have to be said in the House should +amount to this:—</p> + +<p><i>Stoach.</i> What! the Leader of the House bring in this Purity Bill!! +Why I saw him myself with my own eyes in a toy-shop, all among +the toys, alone at one in the morning with an attractive young person +of the female persuasion.</p> + +<p>"Look at that now," says an Irish M.P., following the example +of <i>Shaun the Post</i> in <i>The Colleen Bawn</i>, when the scoundrelly +lawyer brings a charge against the hero of the drama, "An' what +might <i>you</i> be doin' about there at that same time?"</p> + +<p>Supposing, for an instant, the impossible, <i>Stoach</i> would be called to +order, and be severely reprimanded by the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>.</p> + +<p>Had the much-heckled and long-suffering <i>Clivebrooke</i> been gifted +by the Author with lively ready-wit, he would have replied to his +father and supporters, who invade his room, in the pleasantest +and Charliest-Wyndhamest manner, "Yes (<i>lightly and airily</i>). +What could I be doing in a toy-shop with a young lady? Why +(<i>still more lightly and airily</i>) of course I was '<i>toying with +her!</i>'" +Whereupon his old father would have been immensely tickled, and +the deputation, in fits of laughter, would have rushed back to the +lobby to report "the last good thing said by that clever chap +<i>Clivebrooke!</i> +So like him!"</p> + +<p>This Act would have ended with the triumph of ready-wit over +disappointed malignity. <i>Jessie +Keber</i> would have run in and embraced her +hero, the Bill would have been carried (<i>Cheers heard without</i>), +and all would have ended happily and pleasantly without +any necessity having arisen for another Act, either of Parliament +or of the piece.</p> + +<p>"Yes," says this dramatist, "I admit the soft impeachment. I +plead guilty, with extenuating circumstances. <i>The play's the +thing</i>; and if the facts don't suit my play, so much the worse for the +facts. Success has been achieved, and what more can any living +author want? Credit and cash. <i>Voilà tout!</i> +'Credit' for my own original +invention in hitting upon the Parliamentary accessories to my +picture; and 'cash,' which will be paid as long as the public take +an interest <i>in</i> the play, and just so long shall I take my interest +<i>out</i> of the public money."</p> + +<p>To sum up in the words of the old-fashioned tag, "If our friends +in front are pleased, then Manager and Author are satisfied." But, +if objection be still taken to the unreality of the Parliamentary +setting of the picture, then "please remember," apologises <span class="sc">'Enry +Hauthor</span>, "that '<i>it's only my play</i>.'"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A Liberator Lay.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Three little roguey-boys said to Conscience—"Pooh!"</p> +<p>Croydon made one its Mayor, and then there were two.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Two little roguey-boys thought that Fraud was fun;</p> +<p>A Judge thought otherwise, and then there was one.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>One little roguey-boy took the Chiltern Hun-</p> +<p>dreds upon his road to Spain, and then there was none!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Walking Round His Subject.</span>—In <span class="sc">Tay Pay's</span> interesting review +of <i>The Life of Lord Aberdeen</i>, a Book of the Week in the <i>Sun</i>, +there is a delightful chord which shows that "the harp that once +thro' Tara's halls" still upon occasion twangs. "It is pleasant," +says <span class="sc">Tay Pay</span>, writing of Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>, "to be able to project +ourselves backward to the time, when the statesman we know as +full of years and the idol of millions, was the bashful, self-distrustful +youth." Now, if next week our young friend, whose +sympathy with bashful, self-distrustful youth, is instinctive, will +manage to withdraw himself forward, he may be said to have +thoroughly reconnoitered his subject, an excellent thing in a +reviewer.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/146.png"><img src="images/146-600.png" width="600" height="459" alt="THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS, F-WL-R AND G-SCH-N." /></a><br />THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS, F-WL-R AND G-SCH-N.</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/147.png"><img src="images/147-492.png" width="492" height="450" alt="ASSISTED EDUCATION." /></a><h4>ASSISTED EDUCATION.</h4> + +<p><i>Christabel.</i> "<span class="sc">I say, Jack, how ever do you define the Equator</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Jack</i> (<i>who has been to the Circus</i>). "<span class="sc">Isn't it a Menagerie Lion +that goes round the World</span>?"</p> + +<p> <i>Jack has learnt about "the Imaginary Line," and got the answer a little +mixed.</i></p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND <br />THE RIVAL SWAINS.</h2> + +<h3><i>An Easter Eclogue.</i></h3> + +<table summary="cast" align="center" border="0"> + <tr> + <td><i>Chloe</i></td> + <td>Miss <span class="sc">Hodge</span></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><i>Corydon</i></td> + <td>H. H. <span class="sc">F-wl-r</span></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><i>Strephon</i></td> + <td>J. G. <span class="sc">G-sch-n</span>.</td> + </tr> +</table> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>smirking</i>). I have found out a gift for <i>my</i> fair,</p> +<p class="i2">Such as sugary <span class="sc">Shenstone</span> ne'er found!</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>aside, sniffing</i>). His bowpot's made up, I declare,</p> +<p class="i2">Half of flowers he's filched from <i>my</i> ground!</p> +<p><i>Chloe</i> (<i>pirouetting</i>). Oh la! What a lovely bokay!</p> +<p class="i2">That for <i>me!</i> Oh, you're awfully kyind!</p> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>ogling</i>). Ah! I've loved you this many a day!</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>sighing</i>). And for years you've been first in my mind!</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Chloe</i> (<i>aside</i>). My! Isn't it nice to be courted like this?</p> +<p>I believe I could buy 'em both up with a kiss!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>gloating</i>). Love, you dance just as <span class="sc">Perdita</span> danced!</p> +<p class="i2">You must be a Princess in disguise.</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>aside</i>). And not long since he swore that she pranced</p> +<p class="i2">Likes a clown who contends for a prize.</p> +<p><i>Chloe</i> (<i>bridling</i>). <i>Me</i> a Princess? Oh la! that's your fun.</p> +<p class="i2">You know that my feyther was <span class="sc">Hodge</span>!</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>aside</i>). Of course; but, providing she's won,</p> +<p class="i2">He'll descend to the paltriest dodge.</p> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>effusively</i>). You're the Pride of the Village, and fashioned to rule</p> +<p>In the Cottage, the Council, the Church, and the School!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chloe</i> (<i>coyly</i>). You're a flattering of me, young man!</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Corydon</i> (<i>ardently</i>). If I am, maay I forfeit your—Vote!</p> +<p><i>Chloe.</i> Well, of course, I will do what I can,</p> +<p class="i2">As the Parish-princess, to promote</p> +<p>The—what is it you want me to do?</p> +<p class="i4">Yes, the Poor—and the Ditches—and Drains,</p> +<p class="i2">The Rates—I do hope <i>they</i>'ll be few!</p> +<p class="i4">The Allotments—I trust they'll be gains!</p> +<p class="i2">But the Squire and the Parson? Oh! <span class="sc">Corydon</span> mine,</p> +<p>When <i>they</i> hear what you've done, <i>won't</i> they kick up a shine?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>brusquely</i>). Oh! the Squire and the Parson be—blowed!</p> +<p class="i2">All too long they've been cocks o' the walk.</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). Quite right! How this buzzum has glowed</p> +<p class="i2">Your twin tyrants to baffle and baulk!</p> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). You've dissembled your—hate for them well,</p> +<p class="i4">Master <span class="sc">Strephon!</span> It never leaked out</p> +<p class="i2">Till <i>we</i> made <span class="sc">Patient Grizzel</span> a <i>belle!</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>Now</i> you'd like to cut in, I've no doubt.</p> +<p><i>Chloe</i> (<i>coquettishly</i>). La sakes! do not quarrel!</p> +<p class="i4">You're both very kyind,</p> +<p>But—I fancy dear <span class="sc">Corydon's</span> most to my mind.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>[<i>Beams on him, and accepts the Bouquet.</i></p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>suppressing himself</i>). Well, well, 'tis the fortune of war!</p> +<p class="i2">As it's holiday season, let's sing,</p> +<p>Should Shepherds at Eastertide jar?</p> +<p class="i2">Suave <span class="sc">Shenstone</span> would scout such a thing.</p> +<p>I wish you and <span class="sc">Corydon</span> luck—</p> +<p class="i2">The posy he's plucked you looks fine;</p> +<p>Though I must say my fancy it struck,</p> +<p class="i2">It was not wholly new—in design.</p> +<p>However, dear <span class="sc">Chloe</span>, you're sweet; 'tis fair weather;</p> +<p>So, <span class="sc">Corydon</span>, let's sing her praises—together—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>They sing</i>:—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Her charms—since she possessed the Vote—</p> +<p>Are things on which the swains all dote.</p> +<p class="i2">Fearing to flout or slight.</p> +<p>She dances, having now her way,</p> +<p>No bygone Easter holiday</p> +<p class="i2">E'er saw so fine a sight!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Our village <i>Belle</i> with <i>anyone</i></p> +<p>Dares now to make comparison.</p> +<p class="i2">Fair nymph, this Easter fun done,</p> +<p>With proudest County Toast, though fair,</p> +<p>You may compete or charms compare</p> +<p class="i2">With the haughtiest "Pride of London!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Astounding Report</span>.—There is no +foundation whatever for the report of +the resignation of Lord <span class="sc">Herschell</span>. +It probably arose from some incautious +and slangy person speaking of him in +his office of <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span> as +having "got the sack." Obviously +the Wool-sack was intended.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A Genuine Philanthropist.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O <span class="sc">Passmore Edwards</span>, you, beyond contention,</p> +<p>Are worthy <i>Punch's</i> "Honourable Mention."</p> +<p>Whenever there be any boons a-brewing</p> +<p>You're very sure, Sir, to be up and doing!</p> +<p>There's scarce a project schemed with kindly sense,</p> +<p>But profits by your large munificence.</p> +<p><i>Punch</i> won't forget to pray when passing bedwards,</p> +<p>For you—and for more bricks like <span class="sc">Passmore Edwards</span>!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>On the Second Reading of the Home-Rule Bill.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By a Rebellious Rad.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Butchered</span>—to make an Easter Holiday,</p> +<p>For Orangemen who yearn to have their say!</p> +<p>They've got political <i>delirium tremens</i>.</p> +<p><i>Orange?</i> Nay, they're sour as unripe lemons!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">The Real "Spiritual" (or shall we +say Spirituous?) Needs of London</span>.—Strict +Supervision of Gin Palaces, and a +rigid enforcement of the Adulteration Acts. +(<i>Licensing Authorities, Excise Officers, and +Policemen, please take Notice!</i>)</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A Tip in Time.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Country Vestrydom's called, by its new-fangled rival,</p> +<p>(The smart "Parish Council") "decrepit survival."</p> +<p>P. C., be not hard on the old form thou twittest!</p> +<p>Thou yet hast to prove <i>thy</i> "Survival" the "fittest."</p> + </div> </div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE CONFECTIONER'S.</h2> + +<h3>(<i>A Sketch on Saturday Afternoon.</i>)</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>.—<i>A Confectioner's Shop in a fashionable West-End +thoroughfare. +Close to the window is a counter, with the usual urns and +appurtenances, laden with an assortment of richly decorated +pastry, and presided over by an alert and short-tempered</i> +Manageress. <i>The little tables are close together, and crowded +with</i> Customers, <i>the majority of whom are ladies. A couple of +over-worked</i> Waitresses <i>are endeavouring, with but indifferent +success, to satisfy everybody at once.</i></p> + +<p><i>Cries from Customers.</i> Yes, two teas and <i>one</i> roll and butter—no, +I mean, one roll and butter and <i>two</i> teas! "<i>Have I ordered?</i>" +Why, the last time you said it was coming directly! Isn't that +chocolate ready <i>yet?</i> We shall <i>never</i> catch our train! I say, +Waitress, I ordered coffee and cakes a quarter of an hour ago, and +all we've got yet is two empty cups and a bowl of sugar! <i>Do</i> make +haste with that tea! I didn't say a <i>cup</i> of +tea—I said a <i>pot</i> of tea, as plain as——! (&c., &c.)</p> + +<p><i>Duet of Waitresses.</i> +Yes, Sir, attend to you in one moment. Are <i>you</i> the cup of tea, Madam? +Oh, I'll bring you a fork for your pastry directly. +There'll be some milk coming in a minute, Sir. Bread and butter? No, +Sir, you can have a <i>roll</i> and butter, or cakes, if you prefer them. Excuse me, +Madam, when I've done attending to <i>this</i> lady. No, Sir; it was the other young lady who took +your order—not me. <i>Would</i> you mind letting me have the milk-jug, if you've finished with it, +Madam? We're rather short of them. I'll <i>see</i> if I can get you a teaspoon, Sir. (&c., &c.)</p> + +<p><i>The Manageress</i> (<i>all in one breath, without any stops</i>). +Now then Miss <span class="sc">Simpson</span> don't you see these cups standing +here ready to be taken and there's that Gentleman in +the corner waiting to be attended to and tell Mrs. <span class="sc">Binks</span> we shall +want more milk and there put out those fancy cakes do two chocolates +Miss <span class="sc">Jones</span> well you can't have them yet because I've used +all the hot water what does the girl want next butter it's no use +coming <i>to me</i> for butter here take those cups to be washed up will +you you leave me to look after everythink myself and customers +leaving because they can't get served I declare I never saw such +girls as you are in all my born days!</p> + +<p><i>A Man from the Lyceum.</i> I'm not sure, after all, that <span class="sc">Irving's</span> +finest moment wasn't in that last scene. I mean, when <i>Fitzurse</i> +and those fellows came in, and he——</p> + +<p><i>First Lady</i> (<i>at adjoining table—from the Aquarium Theatre</i>). +Sat up on his <i>dear</i> tail, and struck out with those long hind legs of +his, <i>sweet</i> thing; he took such an <i>interest</i> in it all, didn't he?</p> + +<p><i>Second Lady</i> (<i>on opposite side of table—who has been to +"Hypatia"</i>). +Oh, and didn't she look <i>distractingly</i> lovely just after she +had finished lecturing; <i>you</i> know, when she——</p> + +<p><i>Third L.</i> (<i>close by, fresh from "Charley's Aunt"</i>). Stepped out +of the gown, and walked about in the old Lady's cap and false +front! I quite <i>cried</i> with laughing!</p> + +<p><i>Second L.</i> I liked the Proconsul—dear me, what <i>was</i> his name? +So <i>stupid</i> of me—but it doesn't matter! I thought he looked so perfectly +Byzantine when he came in with his lictors in the litter——</p> + +<p><i>Third L.</i> And played the piano so <i>beautifully!</i></p> + +<p><i>Second Hypatian L.</i> And didn't you think <span class="sc">Tree</span> was very +good?—that +part where he found out about his daughter, and stood +towering over her with a knife in his hand, and——</p> + +<p><i>Third L.</i> That enormous cigar stuck in his mouth—he was simply +too <i>killing!</i> [<i>And so on.</i></p> + +<p><i>Miss Camille Leon</i> (<i>by voiceless motion of her lips, and expressive +pantomime, for the guidance of her fiancé</i>, Mr. <span class="sc">Fred Forridge</span>, +<i>who +has gone to the counter to select dainties for her refection</i>). No, not +<i>those</i>—in the <i>next</i> dish—with chocolate outside ... no the +<i>long</i> ones—<i>oh</i>, +how stupid you are! Yes, if those are preserved cherries on +the iced sugar. Very well, the <i>pink</i> one, then—that will do.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forridge</i> (<i>returning with a loaded plate</i>). I hope I've got +what you wanted?</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> <i>Just</i> what I like—<i>how</i> clever of you! (<i>She +helps +herself, after dainty deliberation.</i>) Quite delicious! Aren't you +going to have any yourself?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>engaged in exploring his left-hand pocket surreptitiously, +with a +troubled expression</i>). +Oh, thanks—presently, +perhaps. (<i>To +himself.</i>) I must +have more than that +<i>somewhere!</i></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/148.png"><img src="images/148-500.png" width="500" height="450" alt="'I must have more than that _somewhere!_'" /></a><br />"I must have more than that <i>somewhere!</i>"</div> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> (<i>gaily</i>). +I advise you to make +haste—or there'll be +none left. They're +too seductive for +words. [<i>She chooses +another.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to +himself</i>). It <i>is</i> one-and-sixpence. +Fool +I was to go and forget +my sovereign-purse! +However—(<i>hopefully</i>), +two cups +of tea at fourpence—eightpence; +say +three cakes at twopence—one-and-twopence—oh, +I shall +manage it easily, +and leave a margin! +(<i>Aloud.</i>) I think I +won't have anything +to eat—not <i>hungry</i>, +don't you know.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> No +more am <i>I!</i> (<i>She +takes a third cake.</i>) +This has got cream +inside—aren't you +tempted?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself.</i>) +Only fourpence +to the good +now—mustn't risk +it! (<i>Aloud.</i>) Couldn't +indeed—spoil my +appetite for dinner.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> (<i>with superiority</i>). Oh, I never <i>have</i> any +appetite for +dinner. I loathe the very sight of food, somehow! But I do <i>wish</i> +you'd eat something—it's so <i>piggish</i> of you not to—<i>really</i> it is! +You must take just this weeny little one—to please Me! (<i>She +places it on his plate.</i>) Now you <i>can't</i> say no!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She is the <i>dearest</i> darling! +(<i>Aloud.</i>) +I'd do anything in the world to please you, <span class="sc">Camille</span>! (<i>To +himself.</i>) +After all, there's still <i>twopence!</i></p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> Good boy! (<i>As he eats.</i>) Well, is it a success?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>munching</i>). It isn't bad—got Marchpane, or something +of the kind on it.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> How nice! I adore Marchpane! You may go and +get me one just like it, if you're <i>very</i> good.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself, as he obeys her behest</i>). That cleans me +out! Thank goodness, no gratuities are allowed here, or else—and +this <i>must</i> be the last—she's had three already! If I'd only had +another sixpence, I shouldn't care, but this is running it devilish +close! (<i>Aloud, as he returns.</i>) This is the nearest I could get.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> Thanks, ever so much. Awfully nice tea this is. +(<i>Suggestively.</i>) They might give one bigger cups, though!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself, with pathos</i>). I'd give my life for her, +cheerfully—and I've got to deny her a second cup of tea! But +hang it, I <i>must</i>. I can't ask her to lend me fourpence to pay the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> +bill! (<i>Aloud.</i>) It's—er—just as well they don't. My sisters have +sworn off afternoon tea altogether; some medical Johnny told them +it—er—had a tendency to make the nose red!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). <span class="sc">Fred's</span> <i>sisters!</i> Very +likely! (<i>Aloud, +coldly.</i>) If you think there is any danger of that in <i>my</i> case, of +course I won't risk another cup.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> Oh—er—well, you never <i>know</i>, don't you know. +I—er—<i>wouldn't</i>. +(<i>To himself.</i>) Narrow shave that, by Jove!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> I think we'd better take a cab back, don't you?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>horrified</i>). M—much jollier walking. Streets as dry +as a bone!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> But I want to get home and arrange the table for +dinner to-night. Mother always likes me to do the flowers.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> Lots of time for that You c—can't judge of the effect +till it's dark, <i>can</i> you? And it +will be light for hours to come.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> Yes, that's true. +Then suppose we go and see the +<span class="sc">Burne-Joneses</span>, now we're so +near? They don't close till six.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). It +<i>would</i> have been jolly; but, half-a-crown, +when I can't even run +to a <i>catalogue!</i> No! (<i>Aloud.</i>) +It—it's getting so dark—can't +do 'em justice by artificial light, +do you think? And—well, to tell +you the honest truth, <span class="sc">Camille</span>, +after the Old Masters, you know—I—I +don't feel—and I <i>have</i> seen +them, you know!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> (<i>pouting</i>). I thought +you might have cared to see +them again—with Me—but it +doesn't in the least matter ... +<span class="sc">Fred</span>, I don't care about this cake +you got me—it's dull. I think +I shall leave it, and try one of +these white-and-green ones +instead. [<i>She does.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself—with a +beaded brow</i>). Broke! And for +an extra twopence! As likely as +not, she hasn't even got her purse +with her. And she'll think I'm +so beastly mean! Why on earth +didn't I let her go to the Aërated +Bread-shop, as she wanted? It +would have been all right then!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> I'm afraid you're +rather bored, <span class="sc">Fred</span>—you don't +seem to be enjoying yourself +quite; <i>do</i> you?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>in agony</i>). Oh, I +<i>am</i>—I'm all right, <span class="sc">Camille</span>, +only I—I'm always like this after +the Old Masters, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> So sorry I made +you bring me—don't you think +we had better pay, and go home?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Now +for it! (<i>He pulls himself together.</i>) +W—waitress, w—what have I to +pay, please?</p> + +<p><i>Waitress.</i> Two teas, eightpence; one, two—<i>six</i> cakes you've had, +I think, Sir? One-and-eightpence altogether.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>with a gasp</i>). Oh! (<i>He fetches up two coins abjectly +from his pocket</i>). I—I'm sorry to say that I—I've o—only one +shilling and (<i>with a start of intense relief</i>) half-a-sovereign, so +(<i>with +recovered dignity</i>) I'm afraid I must ask you to give me change. +(<i>To</i> Miss C. L.) I—I was only joking about the <span class="sc">Burne-Joneses</span>, +darling, I'd like to see them <i>awfully</i>—with you. And we can +walk home through the Park, or take a cab afterwards, just as <i>you</i> +feel about it. <i>Do</i> say you'll come!</p> + +<p>[Miss <span class="sc">Leon</span> <i>graciously consents, and</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Forridge</span> +<i>follows her +out of the shop with restored equanimity, as Scene closes in.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figright" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/149.png"><img src="images/149-342.png" width="342" height="450" alt="A BROTHERLY LECTURE." /></a><h3>A BROTHERLY LECTURE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="sc">What! <i>another</i> Scrape! What an Ass you must be, +always getting into Scrapes with Women! Why <i>do</i> you? +<i>I</i> never get into Scrapes with Women! Never got into a +Scrape with a Woman in my Life!"</span></p></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Fashionable Intelligence.</span>—The Dowager Lady <span class="sc">Crumbie</span> dined +out one night last week, when the dinner was so cold that her Ladyship +caught a severe chill, and next day the Cook caught it uncommonly +hot.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p><span class="sc">Advice Gratis.</span>—M. <span class="sc">Worth</span>, of Paris, says of the costumes of +The No-Connection "<span class="sc">Bradley & Co</span>," "You must take them for +what they are——<span class="sc">Worth.</span>"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>ROBERT AT THE BOAT-RACE.</h2> + + +<p>Well, as I've often said afore, and shall most probberly live to +say it again, there ain't no acounting for taste, speshally among the +hupper classes. Take last Wensday as a xampel. Here's a lot of +about twenty of the most heminent Swells in our most heminent +Huniwersitys, where they goes, as we all on us knows, to learn how +to tork Greek, which they finds so wunderful useful when they +growes up. Well, they has the hole year to choose from, save and +xcept Sundays, and I'm jiggered, as I herd a real Gent say, if they +don't go and select a day as goes and begins with a hawful heasterly +wind, and a contemptible shower of rain, just enuff to make thowsands +of our most loveliest Ladys at wunce risolve not to wenter out ewen to +see such a site as two boats full of hansum young gennelmen, all +drestin flannel, a pulling of them +two boats a matter of four miles! +And yet I'm told as there's a +learned Gent as publishes a little +book as tells you what the whether +will be ewery day in the year, and +he's werry offen rite.</p> + +<p>However, it all turned out rite +at larst, and we had a nice sunny +day, tho' why they kep us all a +waiting till arf-past fore o'clock +I'm sure I don't kno, when there +was thowsends of us waiting afore +two. Another little misstery is, +why they want no less than hayteen +strong-looking gents to pull too +little Botes along, sixteen on 'em a +pulling with their skulls, and two +on 'em a pulling with too little +ropes apeace, I have never bin +able to make out.</p> + +<p>I was told as it was a lovely +race, tho it seemed werry much as +usual to me. One of the botes got +a little in front of the other, and +so got in fust, and that was all. +But, sumhow, I don't quite think +as that is all as so many thowsands +goes out for. For instance, +now, in the butiful ship as I was +perfeshnally engaged in, we laid +out a lovely lunshun with evry +luckshury of the season, and all +kinds of wine, at about 2 o'clock, +and then, as we picked up our +swell passengers at the warious +peers, our Managing Gent says to +them, says he, "If you please, +Gents, lunch is laid out in the +cabin, and will be continually laid +out all day, so you can act accordin." +And so they did! and that +cabin was jest about comfertably +occepied all day long, except for +about ten minutes jest as the +Botes was a cummin by. Ah! +that's my highdeal of spending +an appy day, and a pitty +it is as it ony comes wunce a +year!</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Brown</span>, who was along with me, tried werry Hard to gammon me +to bleeve as none of the pullers in the fust boat got nothink for +winning, and that none of the pullers in the larst boat paid nothink +for loosing! But I wasn't quite such a born fool as to beleeve that +rubbish. I had jest the same good larf as usual in seeing how hard +the three big steam-boats, as started jest after the racing-boats, tried +their werry hardest to catch 'em up, but coudn't do it till they was +past the winning post! And the best of the fun was, as they painted +two of 'em Oxford and Cambridge, to make all poor greenhorns +beleeve as they was the reel racing-boats, and the other was a going +fust jest to show 'em the way. Lor, how heasy it is to gammon sum +poor fellers! Like all trew waiters, hating any think at all like +waste, me and <span class="sc">Brown</span>, and the other two of us, seed all our Company +hoff, and then we quietly took our seats, and I bleeves as I can +truly say, that, neether in the eatable line, or the drinkable line, +was there any waste in that there bootiful Steamer that there appy +day.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Robert.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">From Mr. J. L. T**le.</span>—It is not true that <i>Die Walküre</i>, about +to be produced at the Grand Opera, in Paris, is either an adaptation, +or a translation, of <i>Walker—London</i>. It's <span class="sc">Wagner</span>, not +<span class="sc">Walker</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/150.png"><img src="images/150-600.png" width="600" height="385" alt="THE WAY TO GET ON." /></a><h3>THE WAY TO GET ON.</h3> + +<p><i>Fair Amateur Palmist (who has kissed the Blarney Stone).</i> "<span class="sc">I'm sorry +to say, dear Lady Crœsus, that you will have a +Serious Illness at Forty!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A DELICATE QUESTION.</h2> + +<p class="center">[In the pages of the <i>Author</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Besant</span> suggests, that "the +Society of +Authors should undertake the examination of journalists."]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O zealous Mr. <span class="sc">Besant</span>, we have heard with consternation</p> +<p class="i2">Of this, the latest project of your ever-busy band;</p> +<p>Each journalist, apparently, must pass examination,</p> +<p class="i2">Lest any deal with matters which he does not understand.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You're horrified to notice at performances dramatic</p> +<p class="i2">A row of so-called critics, knowing nothing of the play;</p> +<p>You mean to make essential an acquaintance with the Attic,</p> +<p class="i2">In all allowed to comment on the drama of to-day.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>With ample stock of history and other knowledge, clearly,</p> +<p class="i2">The man who writes on politics must show himself supplied,</p> +<p>The taste of all reviewers will be criticised severely,</p> +<p class="i2">The Sporting Sage must qualify in papers on <i>Ruff's Guide</i>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No doubt your plan is laudable, but then we find it printed</p> +<p class="i2">That novelists to manage all the scheme will be allowed,</p> +<p>And since they love reviewers not, it may, perhaps, be hinted,</p> +<p class="i2">That every man alive of us is certain to be ploughed!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Moreover, on reflection, quite excusably one fancies</p> +<p class="i2">That, if so great advantage in the system you discern,</p> +<p>Its use should be extended to the weavers of romances,</p> +<p class="i2">And you and other novelists should suffer in your turn!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And so, if we may venture on a practical suggestion,</p> +<p class="i2">Assuming that your postulate's indubitably true,</p> +<p>And all should be examined—there must yet remain the question,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Custodes quis custodiet?</i>—For who'll examine <i>you?</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Wines or Mines?</span>—Mrs. R. has on several occasions heard gentlemen +talking of "passing the Rubicon," and she wants to know +whether this is a Bill in Parliament about the Ruby Mines, or +whether it is a modern expression for what was many years ago, as +she was informed by her grandfather, a slang after-dinner phrase—"Pass +the Ruby," <i>i.e.</i>, the wine?</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2>HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE RECESS.</h2> + +<p><i>The Pr-m-r.</i> To rest and sample (under the personal supervision +of Mrs. G.) Home Rule.</p> + +<p><i>The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry.</i> To forget the speeches he had prepared +for Loyal Ulster.</p> + +<p><i>Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt.</i> To practise Local Option in the New Forest.</p> + +<p><i>Lord R-s-b-ry.</i> To make up his mind about Uganda.</p> + +<p><i>Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll.</i> To follow where he once led.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r.</i> To lead where he once followed.</p> + +<p><i>The Duke of D-v-nsh-re.</i> To acquire a taste for "another place."</p> + +<p><i>Sir A-g-st-s Dr-l-n-s.</i> To grapple with the Opera difficulty.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. H-nry Irv-ng.</i> To run along with <i>Becket.</i></p> + +<p><i>Miss Ell-n T-rry.</i> To continue the same movement.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J. L. T-le.</i> To prepare to take <i>Walker—London</i> to "Castle, +Windsor."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Legal Query Answered Satisfactorily.</span>—In an Article on the +Lecture on Cross-examination by Mr. <span class="sc">Frank Lockwood</span>, Q.C., a +<i>D. T.</i> Leader reminded its readers of the scene in <i>The Village +Lawyer</i>, where Defendant is instructed by his Counsel to answer +every question by simply saying, in an imbecile manner, "Ba-a-a!" +Subsequently, on aforesaid Counsel asking for his fee, his client replied, +"Ba-a-a!" "What," asks the <i>D. T.</i>, "would Mr. <span class="sc">Frank Lockwood</span>, +Q.C., M.P., do with such a witness in cross-examination?" +Why, 'tis evident that such a case would not arise, as professional +etiquette would prevent one Barrister from taking a fee from a +brother Barrister, that is as long as the latter <i>stuck to the Ba-a-a!</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Very Appropriate.</span>—At Drury Lane, on Easter Monday, +will appear <i>The Bohemian Girl</i>, followed by the rivals in <i>Rustic +Chivalry</i>. Very flattering to the dear old <i>Bohemian Girl</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Treacherous Weather.</span>—Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> has had a bad cold. +He has been recommended, however, not to put on, but to put off, +his Ulster.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">End of the Cotton Strike.</span>—General rejoicings! All join +in a reel!</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/151.png"><img src="images/151-354.png" width="354" height="450" alt="BEHIND THE SCENES." /></a><h2>BEHIND THE SCENES.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Acting Manager H-rc-rt.</span> "WELL, SIR, I THINK WE MAY SAY THAT,—IN SPITE +OF THE ORGANISED +OPPOSITION IN THE HOUSE,—THE FIRST ACT HAS REALLY GONE VERY WELL!"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. G.</span> (<i>Author and Manager</i>). "H'M!—BUT THE <i>RISKY +SITUATION</i> COMES IN THE NEXT ACT!"</p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page152" id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + + + + +<h2>TO MOLLY—AN APRIL FOOL.</h2> + +<h3><i>By a Bachelor-in-Love</i> (<i>with Himself.</i>)</h3> + + +<div class="figright" style="width:350px;"><a href="images/153.png"><img src="images/153-305.png" width="305" height="450" alt="By a bachelor in live with himself." /></a></div> + + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You never, <span class="sc">Molly</span>, plucked the chances</p> +<p class="i2">Last Leap Year brought of wedded rapture,</p> +<p>(Since Flattery wins, where Beauty's glances</p> +<p class="i2">Have failed to perpetrate a capture)?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You never wrote to crave my fortune</p> +<p class="i2">That February! Bashful, may be,</p> +<p>Or over-fearful to importune</p> +<p class="i2">A <i>parti</i> so renowned, you gaby!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Imprudent damsel, to let slip</p> +<p class="i2">So much <i>insouciance</i> and money!</p> +<p>I bear no malice now, and dip</p> +<p class="i2">This goosequill not in gall, but honey,</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I supplicate thee to be mine,</p> +<p class="i2">Bewitching Fair, thy lode-star mocking:</p> +<p>To sweetest vengeance I incline.</p> +<p class="i2">(Great Scott! the sacrifice is shocking!)</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>With you to share a gem unique,</p> +<p class="i2">My best possession, foolish <span class="sc">Molly</span>,</p> +<p>This is the penalty I seek,</p> +<p class="i2">Dear fool of Spring, dear spring of Folly!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet, ere I give myself away,</p> +<p class="i2">And abdicate on foolscap flimsy,</p> +<p>Let me implore you, mark the day—</p> +<p class="i2">Time-honoured feast of prank and whimsy.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Of my pet self, I offer half—</p> +<p class="i2">To gain it myriads have endeavoured,</p> +<p>So take it, <i>take my photograph</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Inclosed, and most adroitly severed</i>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE TELEPHONIC LOVE-SONG.</h2> + + +<h4>["Lovemaking by telephone has now become +quite common."—<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</h4> + + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Love, are you there? Most patiently I've waited</p> +<p class="i2">To hear the answering tinkle on my bell;</p> +<p>Have then the central offices belated</p> +<p class="i2">Not switched me on as yet to thy hotel?</p> +<p>Or is—oh, bitter thought!—a rival hated</p> +<p class="i2">Addressing thee by telephone as well?</p> +<p>Love, are you there? Distracted I repine;</p> +<p>Oh, hear thy humble four-nought-seven-nine!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Never three-five-nine-six have I addressed,</p> +<p class="i2">The number registered for Mrs. <span class="sc">Jones</span>,</p> +<p>Nor for six-eight-two-one the button pressed</p> +<p class="i2">To woo Miss <span class="sc">Brown</span> in telephonic tones;</p> +<p>So grant, I pray, my moderate request,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor keep me waiting thus with aching bones,</p> +<p>My anxious ear pressed to the tube with care,</p> +<p>While vainly I re-echo, "Are you there?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The suitor in the happier days of old,</p> +<p class="i2">When he would woo his lady-love divine,</p> +<p>Beneath her window his affection told</p> +<p class="i2">In skilful verse and neatly-balanced line;</p> +<p>And even if he sometimes caught a cold,</p> +<p class="i2">His was a less prosaic way than mine;</p> +<p>Then they'd embrace—no doubt it was not proper,</p> +<p>But I can only kiss a plate of copper!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh come, my love, and speak to me again,</p> +<p class="i2">Say that you live for my unworthy sake,</p> +<p>And kindly make each syllable quite plain,</p> +<p class="i2">To guard against all subsequent mistake;</p> +<p>And soon may fortune re-unite us twain,</p> +<p class="i2">Communication never more to break!</p> +<p>Take up your tube in answer to my prayer;</p> +<p>Once more I speak my greeting—<i>Are you there?</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>GEE HO, GOSCHEN!</h2> + +<h4><i>Jokim</i> (<i>singing his Agricultooral-looralist lay</i>).</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"O Flaxen-headed Ploughman,</p> +<p class="i4">A whistling o'er the lee,</p> +<p>Oh, do not <i>you</i> know <i>how</i>, man,</p> +<p class="i4">I've ever lovèd thee!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>EASTER REGULATIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS.</h2> + +<p>1. Volunteers shall be expected to be up +by the dawn in the morning, be the weather +rain or shine, fog, or otherwise. They will +be marched for scores of miles all day long, +and, on their arrival at their destination, +shall consider themselves lucky if they find +the most primitive accommodation.</p> + +<p>2. Although they may be accompanied by +their officers, the Volunteer rank and file +will clearly understand that they are manœuvring +purely for the pleasure, if not +improvement, of a few warriors connected +with the Household troops.</p> + +<p>3. They shall undertake the necessary +duties at their own expense, and every detail +supplied by the War Office shall form the +matter of an angry altercation.</p> + +<p>4. The convenience of Volunteers shall be +ignored, so that the comforts of the Regular +officers attached to the Citizen Force, may be +secured at their expense.</p> + +<p>5. Volunteer officers will be prepared to +accept snubs and condescension with their +customary humility, and will not presume to +raise their voices in the presence of their superior +(in quality if not in rank) commanders.</p> + +<p>6. Volunteers of all ranks will work like +niggers for nothing, save the barren honour of +being told (subsequently in the public prints) +that they have merely done their duty.</p> + +<p>7. And, to conclude, Volunteers will be +expected to say that they have thoroughly +enjoyed their holiday, however difficult it +may be to feel it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AN ELIGIBLE <i>PARTI</i>.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I know a man who manhood's name profanes,—</p> +<p class="i2">Most Mayfair mothers own him rather wild;</p> +<p>But, since he has more sovereigns than brains,</p> +<p class="i2">Each tries to catch and tame him for her child.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He knows enough Arithmetic to keep</p> +<p class="i2">A Betting-book, and lose his little bets,</p> +<p>And though his sense of honour is not deep,</p> +<p class="i2">He always pays his "honourable" debts.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Some scores of trowsers own him as their Lord,</p> +<p class="i2">And endless ties and one unchanging sneer;</p> +<p>He owes his tailor what would lodge and board</p> +<p class="i2">And wash a brace of curates for a year.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>His wit is not so pointed as his boots,</p> +<p class="i2">Bright with the polish which his manners lack,</p> +<p>Nor yet so chaste as those astounding suits</p> +<p class="i2">Which deck his shrunken limbs and padded back.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>His stays are always, <i>he</i> is often, "tight,"</p> +<p class="i2">His collar, like his birth, is <i>sans reproche</i>;</p> +<p>He seldom does a thing because it's right,</p> +<p class="i2">But, on the other hand, is never <i>gauche</i>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Music Hall hath charms to soothe his breast,</p> +<p class="i2">But tries in vain to tinge his pallid cheek;</p> +<p>And yet the print he knows and loves the best,</p> +<p class="i2">Is that which duly blushes once a week.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He never dances since the law shut up</p> +<p class="i2">His native haunt, where he could really go it,</p> +<p>And romp the <i>pas-de-quatre</i>, and shout and sup—</p> +<p class="i2">(Of course the Mayfair mothers did not know it).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He never dances—but he goes about,</p> +<p class="i2">And you will always meet him "everywhere,"</p> +<p>And sometimes after supper he'll sit out</p> +<p class="i2">A dance or two, provided she is fair.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Some day he'll stoop to raise her to his throne,</p> +<p class="i2">Look tame and tired of wild oats—for a time;</p> +<p>And, when They reap the whirlwind he has sown,</p> +<p class="i2">We'll talk of his misfortune and her crime.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THOSE SILENT BOOTS.</h2> + +<h4><i>Burglar's Ballad.</i> <span class="sc">Air</span>—"<i>Those Evening Bells.</i>"</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Those Silent Boots! Those Silent Boots!</p> +<p>When out upon our gay galoots,</p> +<p>'Twill give us coves the bloomin' jumps,</p> +<p>If we carn't 'ear the Copper's clumps!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>'Ave Bobby's Bluchers passed away?</p> +<p>That there will bust the Burglar's lay!</p> +<p>Wot, <i>silent</i> "Slops"—like evening swells?</p> +<p>It's wus than them electric bells!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No, no! I 'opes, till <i>I</i> am gone,</p> +<p>The Bobby's Boots will still clump on.</p> +<p>Their warnin' sound our bizness soots,</p> +<p>But bust the thought o' <i>Silent</i> Boots!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Some Evill-minded Persons.</span>—At the +Royal Academy of Music the competition for +the Evill Prize took place last Friday, which, +to unsuccessful competitors was a day of Evill +omen. This is one of the rare instances +where "Out of Evill cometh good."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> + + + +<h2>"ART, HOW SHE IS LEARNED."</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>—<i>London. Time—any +day of the Week between +Show Sunday and Academy +Sunday. Present—two</i> Art +Critics <i>à la Mode</i>.</p> + +<p><i>First A. C.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). +Yes, met a crowd of people +last Sunday. Bad memory +myself, but hanged if I can +remember why I went out on +Sunday.</p> + +<p><i>Second A. C.</i> (<i>after consideration</i>). +And I too. I hate +going out on a Sunday as a +rule, but I went last week. +However, might have been +worse fun. Met <span class="sc">Peacock</span> +girls. Rather good form.</p> + +<p><i>First A. C.</i> Yes, Jolly. +Going to meet 'em next Sunday,—Mulberry +Road.</p> + +<p><i>Second A. C.</i> (<i>lighting a +cigarette</i>). I'm going to the +Mulberry Road too.</p> + +<p><i>First A. C.</i> (<i>also lighting a +cigarette</i>). But why?</p> + +<p><i>Second A. C.</i> (<i>after smoking +for two minutes in silence</i>). +Haven't the faintest idea! +Stay! Ah! (<i>Producing tiny +memorandum book.</i>) Here it +is, April 2nd—Mulberry Road—Academy +Pictures.</p> + +<p><i>First A. C.</i> (<i>with returning +intelligence</i>). Of course! Why, +that's what we went about. +To see the pictures!</p> + +<p><i>Second A. C.</i> (<i>with further +intelligence</i>). Yes. Going next +Sunday to Mulberry Road to +see the pictures again. Rather +fun, seeing pictures!</p> + +<p><i>First C.</i> (<i>after a long pause</i>). +Yes, rather.</p> + +<p>[<i>Scene closes in upon their commencing +to discuss some +other subject.</i></p> + +<br clear="all" /><hr /> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:450px;"><a href="images/154.png"><img src="images/154-319.png" width="319" height="450" alt="FORTUNE'S FOOL." /></a><h3>FORTUNE'S FOOL.</h3> +<p><span class="sc">"Well, if that don't beat heverythink, 'Aven't set up 'ere in +Business a Month, and they're goin' to Redrain the 'Ole Place!"</span></p></div> + +<hr /> + + +<h2>QUITE A CHIC CARGO!</h2> + +<p>A <span class="sc">GROUP</span> of "World's Women" +belonging to all races, +has set out from Southampton +in the steamship <i>Paris</i>, <i>en +route</i> to the World's Fair. +There are English damsels, +Scotch lassies, Tyrolese, Hungarian, +Parisian, Chinese, and +Japanese ladies. Instead of +being called "World's Women," +they ought, of course, +to go as "World's Fair-ies." +"Arrangements have been +made for bringing them back;" +but suppose they prefer to +stay? America is a free country; +Chicago is one of the +freest parts of it. So, after +their relative powers of fascinating +the American male +have been tested, their power +of becoming his relatives may +have to be counted with. Let +us hope they will be accommodated +with separate buildings +at the Exposition; or a "Lady's +Battle" may ensue, under +Queensberry Rules. European +<i>versus</i> Asiatic, or—say—Fräulein +<i>versus</i> Mademoiselle. +This would be a great +hit.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The most cursory eye it must surely strike,</p> +<p>That VOTE and VETO look much alike.</p> +<p>Yet rival ranters are straining throat,</p> +<p>To VOTE the VETO—<i>or</i> VETO the VOTE!</p> +<p>On a slight transposition thus hinges the quarrel</p> +<p>'Twixt the fierce fanatics of Pump and Barrel.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 20.</i>—"That's the best +speech <span class="sc">Harcourt</span> has made this Session," said <span class="sc">George Curzon</span>, as +we walked into Lobby to support Government against onslaught of +<span class="sc">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span>, who disapproves its Uganda policy.</p> + +<p>"Which speech?" I asked, eagerly, always anxious to learn. +<span class="sc">George Curzon</span> just back from far East; has sat astride the Wall +of China, and taken five-o'clock tea with the <span class="sc">Queen of Corea</span>. +<span class="sc">Ulysses</span>, with his twenty-years' tramp, not in it with him. "Which +speech?" I repeated. "The speech he didn't make just now in +reply to <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>," said <span class="sc">Curzon</span>, in that sententious tone, +and +with that grave manner he has learned among the Apaches of the +Ural Mountains.</p> + +<p>Wants thinking over, this; but is quite true. A great temptation +for the <span class="sc">Squire</span>; would have been irresistible at one time. +<span class="sc">Joseph</span> had +made a brilliant speech, scintillating with diamond dagger-points. +Yielding to the habit of heredity, he had been more than usually +disagreeable towards his Brethren. "The original <span class="sc">Joseph</span>," as the +<span class="sc">Squire</span> remarked, in a little aside, whilst the speech went on amid +uproarious delight of the Gentlemen of England, "had one soft place +in his resentful heart. But our <span class="sc">Joe</span> finds no <span class="sc">Benjamin</span> among +us—unless, +indeed, it be <span class="sc">Trevelyan</span>, and, I believe, if, after filling up +his sack, he had put in any extraneous substance, it would not +have been a cup of silver."</p> + +<p>Time was when the <span class="sc">Squire</span> would have jumped at this opportunity. +Benches crowded with jubilant gentlemen in dinner dress; excitement +of cheers and counter-cheers filled House. Few things +delight it more than encounter between these two brilliant swordsmen. +Only half-past eleven; Twelve-o'clock Rule suspended; plenty +of time for business by-and-by; half an hour's sport hurt nobody.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:410px;"><a href="images/156a.png"><img src="images/156a-403.png" width="403" height="450" alt="Mr. G. (sings sotto voco), 'How happy could I be'" /></a> +<p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>sings sotto voco</i>), "How happy could I be +with either!<br /> +<span style="float: right; margin-right: 6em;">Were only Uganda away!"</span></p></div> + +<p>When <span class="sc">Squire</span> rose, a ringing cheer went up from Ministerialists. +Their turn now. <span class="sc">Joe</span> was "going to catch it." But <span class="sc">Squire</span> knew +better than that. Opportunity tempting; almost irresistible. But +business first, pleasure after. With touching air of resignation, +<span class="sc">Squire</span> said they had listened to a very good speech, and now he +hoped the Vote would be agreed to; at which point he meekly sat +down. Shock so sudden and unexpected that no one but <span class="sc">Nolan</span> +moved, and he, finding himself on his legs, had no words ready. +Whilst he was gasping in search of them, Closure moved; Chairman, +who is getting well into the saddle, put question with lightning-like +rapidity; before Committee quite knew where it was, it was dividing +on the Uganda Vote.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Supplementary Estimates concluded; Report of +Supply agreed to; way cleared for Appropriation Bill.</p> + + +<p><i>Tuesday Night.</i>—<span class="sc">Henry Fowler</span> explained Parish Council Bill +in speech of equal force and lucidity. "Hands all round," as +<span class="sc">Tennyson</span> said, in applause of speech and approval of Bill. <span class="sc">Jesse +Collings</span> rather hinted that anything good in measure was conveyed +from <span class="sc">Ritchie's</span> Bill, and everyone knows that <span class="sc">Ritchie</span> was mere +lay-figure behind which <span class="sc">Jesse</span> controlled policy of Local Government +Board under last Administration. Even this criticism meant +as compliment. No harsher note disturbed chorus of approval.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jokim</span>, in effusion of moment, led into making interesting confession. +As he says, only he put it stronger, general impression is +that he is not particularly attached to Agricultural Labourer. <span class="sc">Bobby +Spencer</span>, when he made his historic declaration—"Mr. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, +Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer"—understood to have +<span class="sc">Jokim</span> in his mind; endeavouring to ingratiate himself with the +statesman who, at the time, was <span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span>. +<span class="sc">Jokim</span>, certainly, through long and honourable career, never lost +opportunity of hustling <span class="sc">Hodge</span>. Deductions drawn from this attitude +entirely erroneous. Only been dissembling his love. Made +clean breast of it to-day. Clasping his hands with genuine emotion, +tear plainly tickling through his voice, he exclaimed, "It has been +the dream of my life to educate +the Agricultural Labourer in +Parish affairs!"</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/155.png"><img src="images/155-600.png" width="600" height="451" alt="'CATCHING VOTES.'" /></a><h3>"CATCHING VOTES."</h3> + +<h4>(<i>Suggested by the Picture "Catching Flies."</i>)</h4></div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> + +<p>"Well, I must say, I never would +have thought it," said <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, +regarding with new interest his +Right Hon. friend.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Parish Councils +Bill brought in.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Pretty to watch Mr. +G. in conversation with Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> +on question of Vote of Censure. +When <span class="sc">Cameron</span>, "doing a bit +of bounce," as <span class="sc">Brodrick</span> said, asked +<span class="sc">Premier</span> whether, supposing Opposition +resolved to move Vote of +Censure, a day wouldn't be found +for them, Ministerialists cheered and +Opposition responded. House never +more like public school than when a +fight is being got up. Now spirit +rose to bubbling point; cheering and +counter-cheering incessant. Only +Mr. G. sat silent, apparently so +deeply interested in Orders that he +had not noticed what was forward. +But he saw it all, saw a foot or two +further into futurity than the jubilant +throng behind him. <span class="sc">Cameron</span> +had unwittingly dealt trump card +to Opposition avowedly bent on obstructing +Home-Rule Bill. Had a +pretty good go to-day. Two hours +for Questions; two hours more to be +used up on Motion for Adjournment. +That would serve to throw Registration +Bill over sitting and spoil Mr. +G.'s little programme. But this suggestion of Vote of Censure +coming from other side, worth at least couple of days. Mr. G. saw +it all, and once glanced quickly across table in search of sign that +anyone on Front Bench opposite had made the discovery. Thought +he saw a gleam of intelligence in <span class="sc">Grandolph's</span> eye. Hoped things +might blow over; but there was inconvenient questioner behind, with +Scotch persistency waiting answer. Ministerialists cheering like +mad; Opposition truculently responding; all waiting for him. +Must do or say something. Wouldn't commit himself by saying +anything. Half rose from seat and bowed assent.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/156b.png"><img src="images/156b-600.png" width="600" height="259" alt="POPPING THE QUESTIONS;" /></a><h3>POPPING THE QUESTIONS;</h3> + +<h4><i>Or, Scene from old Burlesque of "Obstruction" as revived at St. Stephen's +Theatre Royal.</i></h4></div> + +<p>By this time Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> began to see light. Some smart +fencing followed; Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> pressed home Vote of Censure +question; Mr. G., whilst carefully avoiding any movement that +might seem like retreat, evaded the point. Later, when <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> +remarked that <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> had challenged them to move Vote +of Censure, Mr. G. angrily retorted, "I did nothing of the sort." +Too late now; Right Hon. Gentlemen on Front Opposition Bench +having put their heads together, determined to ride in at gate +<span class="sc">Cameron</span> obligingly opened. Drew +up Motion of Vote of Censure, and +Mr. G. must needs, out of his diminishing +hoard of days, find one for +debating it; Opposition mean to +make it two, or even three.</p> + +<p>"I wish," said Mr. G., in those +chest-notes that indicate profounder +indignation, "my people would +leave me to manage the business of +House."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Four hours +wasted. Vote of Censure invited.</p> + +<p><i>Friday Midnight.</i>—Wonder to +find <span class="sc">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span> +still at post of duty. Business +rather heavy work; think it would +be well that so precious a life should +be cared for. Say this to him.</p> + +<p>"You're very kind, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," he +answered, just a little wearily +"but I never think of myself when +the interests of my <span class="sc">Queen</span> and +Country are at stake. Fact is, I +have charge of a Bill drafted in +the interests of our fellow-citizen +the Sweep. He has thrown himself +into my arms (of course I use +the phrase in a Parliamentary +sense) and I am resolved to do my +best for him. I am told that the +business which called the Judges +into private consultation the other +day was a proposal to place my +bust, crowned with laurel, on a +prominent pedestal in the Royal +Courts of Justice. Well, I have +done something in my time for justice; just now all my sympathies +are with the Sweep. I receive deputations of them every day. No, +they don't enter by the chimney, but come in by the front-door in +ordinary fashion. When there are more than five of them, and they +stay over twenty minutes, they leave a little smell lingering in the +room. But that's nothing. I'm waiting now to move Second +Reading of my Bill. Want Mr. G. to take it up. Have told him +people really don't care for Home-Rule Bill, whereas, if he gave his +mind to it, he might rouse the country on the question of the +harmless necessary Sweep. But no use. He's too deeply rooted +in his attachment to his Home-Rule scheme. Daresay I shall get +my Bill through first."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Patience of long-suffering <span class="sc">Speaker</span> breaks down +at last. <span class="sc">Jemmy Lowther</span> did it. On Appropriation Bill moved +incomprehensible Amendment, in unintelligble speech; <span class="sc">Speaker</span> +came down on him "like cartload of bricks," as <span class="sc">John Burns</span> put it. +<span class="sc">James</span> only temporarily subdued; will probably come up smiling +on Monday.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + +<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 5em;"> +<tr><td class="note"> +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +<p>Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +</td></tr></table> + + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 104, APRIL 1, 1893***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 22698-h.txt or 22698-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/9/22698</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution.</p> + + + +<pre> +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/license">http://www.gutenberg.org/license)</a>. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">http://www.gutenberg.org</a> + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a> + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a> + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** +</pre> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/22698-h/images/145-600.png b/22698-h/images/145-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41c26e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/145-600.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/145.png b/22698-h/images/145.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..735785e --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/145.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/146-600.png b/22698-h/images/146-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ca5141 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/146-600.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/146.png b/22698-h/images/146.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8d4b8e --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/146.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/147-492.png b/22698-h/images/147-492.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..52cdb67 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/147-492.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/147.png b/22698-h/images/147.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e50a45d --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/147.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/148-500.png b/22698-h/images/148-500.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c88a670 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/148-500.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/148.png b/22698-h/images/148.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..04679f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/148.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/149-342.png b/22698-h/images/149-342.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1a12d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/149-342.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/149.png b/22698-h/images/149.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3d55ccc --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/149.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/150-600.png b/22698-h/images/150-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..01962e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/150-600.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/150.png b/22698-h/images/150.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..79dcad2 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/150.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/151-354.png b/22698-h/images/151-354.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e274ae8 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/151-354.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/151.png b/22698-h/images/151.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..34b5974 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/151.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/153-305.png b/22698-h/images/153-305.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d39f438 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/153-305.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/153.png b/22698-h/images/153.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5295dc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/153.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/154-319.png b/22698-h/images/154-319.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..81c06ce --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/154-319.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/154.png b/22698-h/images/154.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c64ceb --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/154.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/155-600.png b/22698-h/images/155-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9ddfce --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/155-600.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/155.png b/22698-h/images/155.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..37d0e27 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/155.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/156a-403.png b/22698-h/images/156a-403.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..75091dd --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/156a-403.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/156a.png b/22698-h/images/156a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..745fce5 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/156a.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/156b-600.png b/22698-h/images/156b-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6929329 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/156b-600.png diff --git a/22698-h/images/156b.png b/22698-h/images/156b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..774a571 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-h/images/156b.png |
