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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/22698-8.txt b/22698-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..50d9b0a --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1575 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +April 1, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 1, 1893 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 21, 2007 [eBook #22698] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 104, APRIL 1, 1893*** + + +E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22698-h.htm or 22698-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698/22698-h/22698-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698/22698-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 104 + +APRIL 1, 1893. + +edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + + + + + +[Illustration: MODEL FIGURES IN THE CRITERION TOY-SHOP.] + + * * * * * + +THE BUBBLE SHOP; OR, "ONLY HIS PLAY." + +How many deserving persons besides dramatic authors are looking about +for good situations, and are unable to find them! Mr. 'ENRY HAUTHOR +JONES was sufficiently fortunate to obtain a good dramatic situation +of tried strength, which, placed in the centre of novel and most +improbable (not to say impossible) surroundings, has, in the hands of +Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM and his highly trained company of illusionists, +achieved a remarkable success. + +Within the last few years there have been notorious cases associated +with the names of Members of Parliament, but as the House is a +Legislative Assembly and not an inquisitorial tribunal instituted +for the public investigation of private morality, no charge could be +brought in the House itself against any one of its Members until after +a Court of Law had pronounced its verdict, and, even then, a Member +of Parliament, convicted of a criminal offence, would not cease _ipso +facto_ to belong to the House until after a motion for his expulsion +had been carried. As _Fritz_ in _La Grande Duchesse_ expressed his +wish to become a schoolmaster, in order that he might obtain some +smattering of education, so an immoral M.P. (if any such there be) +would be the very one to stand sponsor for a Bill for the Better +Preservation of Public Morals, with a view to gaining that elementary +knowledge of morality in which his education had been defective. But +no one could have brought up some awkward case against him in the +course of a debate in the House. In the parliamentary proceedings +of Little Peddlington this might be done, but not in the House of +Commons, which, by a very polite but necessary fiction, is supposed +to be a House of Uncommons, far above the weaknesses of the ordinary +human nature of mere Constituents. + +_Mr. Stoach_ (capitally played by Mr. J. VALENTINE--but everybody +plays capitally in this piece) finds _Lord Clivebrooke_ (Mr. CHARLES +WYNDHAM--admirable also) between midnight and one in the morning alone +with charming _Jessie Keber_ (Miss MARY MOORE,--delightful!) in old +_Matthew Keber's_ toy-shop, _Keber_ himself (another very clever +impersonation by Mr. W. H. DAY) having gone out on the sly to get +drunk on money supplied him by the aforesaid unscrupulous _Stoach, +M.P._ So what would have to be said in the House should amount to +this:-- + +_Stoach._ What! the Leader of the House bring in this Purity Bill!! +Why I saw him myself with my own eyes in a toy-shop, all among the +toys, alone at one in the morning with an attractive young person of +the female persuasion. + +"Look at that now," says an Irish M.P., following the example of +_Shaun the Post_ in _The Colleen Bawn_, when the scoundrelly lawyer +brings a charge against the hero of the drama, "An' what might _you_ +be doin' about there at that same time?" + +Supposing, for an instant, the impossible, _Stoach_ would be called to +order, and be severely reprimanded by the SPEAKER. + +Had the much-heckled and long-suffering _Clivebrooke_ been gifted by +the Author with lively ready-wit, he would have replied to his +father and supporters, who invade his room, in the pleasantest and +Charliest-Wyndhamest manner, "Yes (_lightly and airily_). What could I +be doing in a toy-shop with a young lady? Why (_still more lightly +and airily_) of course I was '_toying with her!_'" Whereupon his old +father would have been immensely tickled, and the deputation, in fits +of laughter, would have rushed back to the lobby to report "the last +good thing said by that clever chap _Clivebrooke!_ So like him!" + +This Act would have ended with the triumph of ready-wit over +disappointed malignity. _Jessie Keber_ would have run in and embraced +her hero, the Bill would have been carried (_Cheers heard without_), +and all would have ended happily and pleasantly without any necessity +having arisen for another Act, either of Parliament or of the piece. + +"Yes," says this dramatist, "I admit the soft impeachment. I plead +guilty, with extenuating circumstances. _The play's the thing_; and if +the facts don't suit my play, so much the worse for the facts. Success +has been achieved, and what more can any living author want? Credit +and cash. _Voilà tout!_ 'Credit' for my own original invention in +hitting upon the Parliamentary accessories to my picture; and 'cash,' +which will be paid as long as the public take an interest _in_ the +play, and just so long shall I take my interest _out_ of the public +money." + +To sum up in the words of the old-fashioned tag, "If our friends in +front are pleased, then Manager and Author are satisfied." But, if +objection be still taken to the unreality of the Parliamentary setting +of the picture, then "please remember," apologises 'ENRY HAUTHOR, +"that '_it's only my play_.'" + + * * * * * + +A Liberator Lay. + + Three little roguey-boys said to Conscience--"Pooh!" + Croydon made one its Mayor, and then there were two. + + Two little roguey-boys thought that Fraud was fun; + A Judge thought otherwise, and then there was one. + + One little roguey-boy took the Chiltern Hun- + dreds upon his road to Spain, and then there was none! + + * * * * * + +WALKING ROUND HIS SUBJECT.--In TAY PAY'S interesting review of _The +Life of Lord Aberdeen_, a Book of the Week in the _Sun_, there is a +delightful chord which shows that "the harp that once thro' Tara's +halls" still upon occasion twangs. "It is pleasant," says TAY PAY, +writing of Mr. GLADSTONE, "to be able to project ourselves backward to +the time, when the statesman we know as full of years and the idol of +millions, was the bashful, self-distrustful youth." Now, if next week +our young friend, whose sympathy with bashful, self-distrustful youth, +is instinctive, will manage to withdraw himself forward, he may be +said to have thoroughly reconnoitered his subject, an excellent thing +in a reviewer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS, F-WL-R AND +G-SCH-N.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ASSISTED EDUCATION. + +_Christabel._ "I SAY, JACK, HOW EVER DO YOU DEFINE THE EQUATOR?" + +_Jack_ (_who has been to the Circus_). "ISN'T IT A MENAGERIE LION THAT +GOES ROUND THE WORLD?" + +[_Jack has learnt about "the Imaginary Line," and got the answer a +little mixed._]] + + * * * * * + +THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS. + +_An Easter Eclogue._ + + _Chloe_ Miss HODGE + _Corydon_ H. H. F-WL-R + _Strephon_ J. G. G-SCH-N. + + _Corydon_ (_smirking_). I have found out a gift for _my_ fair, + Such as sugary SHENSTONE ne'er found! + _Strephon_ (_aside, sniffing_). His bowpot's made up, I declare, + Half of flowers he's filched from _my_ ground! + _Chloe_ (_pirouetting_). Oh la! What a lovely bokay! + That for _me!_ Oh, you're awfully kyind! + _Corydon_ (_ogling_). Ah! I've loved you this many a day! + _Strephon_ (_sighing_). And for years you've been first in my mind! + _Chloe_ (_aside_). My! Isn't it nice to be courted like this? + I believe I could buy 'em both up with a kiss! + + _Corydon_ (_gloating_). Love, you dance just as PERDITA danced! + You must be a Princess in disguise. + _Strephon_ (_aside_). And not long since he swore that she pranced + Likes a clown who contends for a prize. + _Chloe_ (_bridling_). _Me_ a Princess? Oh la! that's your fun. + You know that my feyther was HODGE! + _Strephon_ (_aside_). Of course; but, providing she's won, + He'll descend to the paltriest dodge. + _Corydon_ (_effusively_). + You're the Pride of the Village, and fashioned to rule + In the Cottage, the Council, the Church, and the School! + + _Chloe_ (_coyly_). You're a flattering of me, young man! + _Corydon_ (_ardently_). If I am, maay I forfeit your--Vote! + _Chloe._ Well, of course, I will do what I can, + As the Parish-princess, to promote + The--what is it you want me to do? + Yes, the Poor--and the Ditches--and Drains, + The Rates--I do hope _they_'ll be few! + The Allotments--I trust they'll be gains! + But the Squire and the Parson? Oh! CORYDON mine, + When _they_ hear what you've done, _won't_ they kick up a shine? + + _Corydon_ (_brusquely_). Oh! the Squire and the Parson be--blowed! + All too long they've been cocks o' the walk. + _Strephon_ (_eagerly_). Quite right! How this buzzum has glowed + Your twin tyrants to baffle and baulk! + _Corydon_ (_contemptuously_). You've dissembled your--hate for them well, + Master STREPHON! It never leaked out + Till _we_ made PATIENT GRIZZEL a _belle!_ + _Now_ you'd like to cut in, I've no doubt. + _Chloe_ (_coquettishly_). La sakes! do not quarrel! + You're both very kyind, + But--I fancy dear CORYDON'S most to my mind. + + [_Beams on him, and accepts the Bouquet._ + + _Strephon_ (_suppressing himself_). Well, well, 'tis the fortune of war! + As it's holiday season, let's sing, + Should Shepherds at Eastertide jar? + Suave SHENSTONE would scout such a thing. + I wish you and CORYDON luck-- + The posy he's plucked you looks fine; + Though I must say my fancy it struck, + It was not wholly new--in design. + However, dear CHLOE, you're sweet; 'tis fair weather; + So, CORYDON, let's sing her praises--together-- + + _They sing_:-- + + Her charms--since she possessed the Vote-- + Are things on which the swains all dote. + Fearing to flout or slight. + She dances, having now her way, + No bygone Easter holiday + E'er saw so fine a sight! + + Our village _Belle_ with _anyone_ + Dares now to make comparison. + Fair nymph, this Easter fun done, + With proudest County Toast, though fair, + You may compete or charms compare + With the haughtiest "Pride of London!" + + * * * * * + +ASTOUNDING REPORT.--There is no foundation whatever for the report +of the resignation of Lord HERSCHELL. It probably arose from some +incautious and slangy person speaking of him in his office of LORD +CHANCELLOR as having "got the sack." Obviously the Wool-sack was +intended. + + * * * * * + +A GENUINE PHILANTHROPIST. + + O PASSMORE EDWARDS, you, beyond contention, + Are worthy _Punch's_ "Honourable Mention." + Whenever there be any boons a-brewing + You're very sure, Sir, to be up and doing! + There's scarce a project schemed with kindly sense, + But profits by your large munificence. + _Punch_ won't forget to pray when passing bedwards, + For you--and for more bricks like PASSMORE EDWARDS! + + * * * * * + +ON THE SECOND READING OF THE HOME-RULE BILL. + +(_By a Rebellious Rad._) + + BUTCHERED--to make an Easter Holiday, + For Orangemen who yearn to have their say! + They've got political _delirium tremens_. + _Orange?_ Nay, they're sour as unripe lemons! + + * * * * * + +THE REAL "SPIRITUAL" (OR SHALL WE SAY SPIRITUOUS?) NEEDS OF +LONDON.--Strict Supervision of Gin Palaces, and a rigid enforcement of +the Adulteration Acts. (_Licensing Authorities, Excise Officers, and +Policemen, please take Notice!_) + + * * * * * + +A TIP IN TIME. + + Country Vestrydom's called, by its new-fangled rival, + (The smart "Parish Council") "decrepit survival." + P. C., be not hard on the old form thou twittest! + Thou yet hast to prove _thy_ "Survival" the "fittest." + + * * * * * + +AT THE CONFECTIONER'S. + +(_A Sketch on Saturday Afternoon._) + +SCENE.--_A Confectioner's Shop in a fashionable West-End thoroughfare. +Close to the window is a counter, with the usual urns and +appurtenances, laden with an assortment of richly decorated pastry, +and presided over by an alert and short-tempered_ Manageress. _The +little tables are close together, and crowded with_ Customers, _the +majority of whom are ladies. A couple of over-worked_ Waitresses _are +endeavouring, with but indifferent success, to satisfy everybody at +once._ + +_Cries from Customers._ Yes, two teas and _one_ roll and butter--no, I +mean, one roll and butter and _two_ teas! "_Have I ordered?_" Why, the +last time you said it was coming directly! Isn't that chocolate ready +_yet?_ We shall _never_ catch our train! I say, Waitress, I ordered +coffee and cakes a quarter of an hour ago, and all we've got yet is +two empty cups and a bowl of sugar! _Do_ make haste with that tea! +I didn't say a _cup_ of tea--I said a _pot_ of tea, as plain as----! +(&c., &c.) + +_Duet of Waitresses._ Yes, Sir, attend to you in one moment. Are +_you_ the cup of tea, Madam? Oh, I'll bring you a fork for your pastry +directly. There'll be some milk coming in a minute, Sir. Bread and +butter? No, Sir, you can have a _roll_ and butter, or cakes, if you +prefer them. Excuse me, Madam, when I've done attending to _this_ +lady. No, Sir; it was the other young lady who took your order--not +me. _Would_ you mind letting me have the milk-jug, if you've finished +with it, Madam? We're rather short of them. I'll _see_ if I can get +you a teaspoon, Sir. (&c., &c.) + +_The Manageress_ (_all in one breath, without any stops_). Now then +Miss SIMPSON don't you see these cups standing here ready to be taken +and there's that Gentleman in the corner waiting to be attended to and +tell Mrs. BINKS we shall want more milk and there put out those +fancy cakes do two chocolates Miss JONES well you can't have them +yet because I've used all the hot water what does the girl want next +butter it's no use coming _to me_ for butter here take those cups to +be washed up will you you leave me to look after everythink myself and +customers leaving because they can't get served I declare I never saw +such girls as you are in all my born days! + +_A Man from the Lyceum._ I'm not sure, after all, that IRVING'S finest +moment wasn't in that last scene. I mean, when _Fitzurse_ and those +fellows came in, and he---- + +_First Lady_ (_at adjoining table--from the Aquarium Theatre_). Sat up +on his _dear_ tail, and struck out with those long hind legs of his, +_sweet_ thing; he took such an _interest_ in it all, didn't he? + +_Second Lady_ (_on opposite side of table--who has been to +"Hypatia"_). Oh, and didn't she look _distractingly_ lovely just after +she had finished lecturing; _you_ know, when she---- + +_Third L._ (_close by, fresh from "Charley's Aunt"_). Stepped out of +the gown, and walked about in the old Lady's cap and false front! I +quite _cried_ with laughing! + +_Second L._ I liked the Proconsul--dear me, what _was_ his name? +So _stupid_ of me--but it doesn't matter! I thought he looked so +perfectly Byzantine when he came in with his lictors in the litter---- + +_Third L._ And played the piano so _beautifully!_ + +_Second Hypatian L._ And didn't you think TREE was very good?--that +part where he found out about his daughter, and stood towering over +her with a knife in his hand, and---- + +_Third L._ That enormous cigar stuck in his mouth--he was simply too +_killing!_ [_And so on._ + +_Miss Camille Leon_ (_by voiceless motion of her lips, and expressive +pantomime, for the guidance of her fiancé_, Mr. FRED FORRIDGE, _who +has gone to the counter to select dainties for her refection_). No, +not _those_--in the _next_ dish--with chocolate outside ... no the +_long_ ones--_oh_, how stupid you are! Yes, if those are preserved +cherries on the iced sugar. Very well, the _pink_ one, then--that will +do. + +_Mr. Forridge_ (_returning with a loaded plate_). I hope I've got what +you wanted? + +_Miss C. L._ _Just_ what I like--_how_ clever of you! (_She helps +herself, after dainty deliberation._) Quite delicious! Aren't you +going to have any yourself? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_engaged in exploring his left-hand pocket +surreptitiously, with a troubled expression_). Oh, thanks--presently, +perhaps. (_To himself._) I must have more than that _somewhere!_ + +[Illustration: "I must have more than that _somewhere!_"] + +_Miss C. L._ (_gaily_). I advise you to make haste--or there'll be +none left. They're too seductive for words. [_She chooses another._ + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). It _is_ one-and-sixpence. Fool I was to +go and forget my sovereign-purse! However--(_hopefully_), two +cups of tea at fourpence--eightpence; say three cakes at +twopence--one-and-twopence--oh, I shall manage it easily, and leave a +margin! (_Aloud._) I think I won't have anything to eat--not _hungry_, +don't you know. + +_Miss C. L._ No more am _I!_ (_She takes a third cake._) This has got +cream inside--aren't you tempted? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself._) Only fourpence to the good now--mustn't +risk it! (_Aloud._) Couldn't indeed--spoil my appetite for dinner. + +_Miss C. L._ (_with superiority_). Oh, I never _have_ any appetite +for dinner. I loathe the very sight of food, somehow! But I do _wish_ +you'd eat something--it's so _piggish_ of you not to--_really_ it is! +You must take just this weeny little one--to please Me! (_She places +it on his plate._) Now you _can't_ say no! + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). She is the _dearest_ darling! (_Aloud._) +I'd do anything in the world to please you, CAMILLE! (_To himself._) +After all, there's still _twopence!_ + +_Miss C. L._ Good boy! (_As he eats._) Well, is it a success? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_munching_). It isn't bad--got Marchpane, or something of +the kind on it. + +_Miss C. L._ How nice! I adore Marchpane! You may go and get me one +just like it, if you're _very_ good. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself, as he obeys her behest_). That cleans me +out! Thank goodness, no gratuities are allowed here, or else--and this +_must_ be the last--she's had three already! If I'd only had another +sixpence, I shouldn't care, but this is running it devilish close! +(_Aloud, as he returns._) This is the nearest I could get. + +_Miss C. L._ Thanks, ever so much. Awfully nice tea this is. +(_Suggestively._) They might give one bigger cups, though! + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself, with pathos_). I'd give my life for her, +cheerfully--and I've got to deny her a second cup of tea! But hang +it, I _must_. I can't ask her to lend me fourpence to pay the bill! +(_Aloud._) It's--er--just as well they don't. My sisters have +sworn off afternoon tea altogether; some medical Johnny told them +it--er--had a tendency to make the nose red! + +_Miss C. L._ (_to herself_). FRED'S _sisters!_ Very likely! (_Aloud, +coldly._) If you think there is any danger of that in _my_ case, of +course I won't risk another cup. + +_Mr. Forr._ Oh--er--well, you never _know_, don't you know. +I--er--_wouldn't_. (_To himself._) Narrow shave that, by Jove! + +_Miss C. L._ I think we'd better take a cab back, don't you? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_horrified_). M--much jollier walking. Streets as dry as +a bone! + +_Miss C. L._ But I want to get home and arrange the table for dinner +to-night. Mother always likes me to do the flowers. + +_Mr. Forr._ Lots of time for that You c--can't judge of the effect +till it's dark, _can_ you? And it will be light for hours to come. + +_Miss C. L._ Yes, that's true. Then suppose we go and see the +BURNE-JONESES, now we're so near? They don't close till six. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). It _would_ have been jolly; but, +half-a-crown, when I can't even run to a _catalogue!_ No! (_Aloud._) +It--it's getting so dark--can't do 'em justice by artificial light, do +you think? And--well, to tell you the honest truth, CAMILLE, after the +Old Masters, you know--I--I don't feel--and I _have_ seen them, you +know! + +_Miss C. L._ (_pouting_). I thought you might have cared to see them +again--with Me--but it doesn't in the least matter ... FRED, I don't +care about this cake you got me--it's dull. I think I shall leave it, +and try one of these white-and-green ones instead. [_She does._ + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself--with a beaded brow_). Broke! And for an +extra twopence! As likely as not, she hasn't even got her purse with +her. And she'll think I'm so beastly mean! Why on earth didn't I let +her go to the Aërated Bread-shop, as she wanted? It would have been +all right then! + +_Miss C. L._ I'm afraid you're rather bored, FRED--you don't seem to +be enjoying yourself quite; _do_ you? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_in agony_). Oh, I _am_--I'm all right, CAMILLE, only +I--I'm always like this after the Old Masters, you know. + +_Miss C. L._ So sorry I made you bring me--don't you think we had +better pay, and go home? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). Now for it! (_He pulls himself together._) +W--waitress, w--what have I to pay, please? + +_Waitress._ Two teas, eightpence; one, two--_six_ cakes you've had, I +think, Sir? One-and-eightpence altogether. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_with a gasp_). Oh! (_He fetches up two coins abjectly +from his pocket_). I--I'm sorry to say that I--I've o--only one +shilling and (_with a start of intense relief_) half-a-sovereign, +so (_with recovered dignity_) I'm afraid I must ask you to give +me change. (_To_ Miss C. L.) I--I was only joking about the +BURNE-JONESES, darling, I'd like to see them _awfully_--with you. And +we can walk home through the Park, or take a cab afterwards, just as +_you_ feel about it. _Do_ say you'll come! + +[Miss LEON _graciously consents, and_ Mr. FORRIDGE _follows her out of +the shop with restored equanimity, as Scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--The Dowager Lady CRUMBIE dined out one +night last week, when the dinner was so cold that her Ladyship caught +a severe chill, and next day the Cook caught it uncommonly hot. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS.--M. WORTH, of Paris, says of the costumes of The +No-Connection "BRADLEY & CO," "You must take them for what they +are----WORTH." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROTHERLY LECTURE. + +"WHAT! _ANOTHER_ SCRAPE! WHAT AN ASS YOU MUST BE, ALWAYS GETTING INTO +SCRAPES WITH WOMEN! WHY _DO_ YOU? _I_ NEVER GET INTO SCRAPES WITH +WOMEN! NEVER GOT INTO A SCRAPE WITH A WOMAN IN MY LIFE!"] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE BOAT-RACE. + +Well, as I've often said afore, and shall most probberly live to say +it again, there ain't no acounting for taste, speshally among the +hupper classes. Take last Wensday as a xampel. Here's a lot of about +twenty of the most heminent Swells in our most heminent Huniwersitys, +where they goes, as we all on us knows, to learn how to tork Greek, +which they finds so wunderful useful when they growes up. Well, they +has the hole year to choose from, save and xcept Sundays, and I'm +jiggered, as I herd a real Gent say, if they don't go and select a day +as goes and begins with a hawful heasterly wind, and a contemptible +shower of rain, just enuff to make thowsands of our most loveliest +Ladys at wunce risolve not to wenter out ewen to see such a site +as two boats full of hansum young gennelmen, all drestin flannel, a +pulling of them two boats a matter of four miles! And yet I'm told as +there's a learned Gent as publishes a little book as tells you what +the whether will be ewery day in the year, and he's werry offen rite. + +However, it all turned out rite at larst, and we had a nice sunny day, +tho' why they kep us all a waiting till arf-past fore o'clock I'm sure +I don't kno, when there was thowsends of us waiting afore two. Another +little misstery is, why they want no less than hayteen strong-looking +gents to pull too little Botes along, sixteen on 'em a pulling with +their skulls, and two on 'em a pulling with too little ropes apeace, I +have never bin able to make out. + +I was told as it was a lovely race, tho it seemed werry much as usual +to me. One of the botes got a little in front of the other, and so got +in fust, and that was all. But, sumhow, I don't quite think as that +is all as so many thowsands goes out for. For instance, now, in the +butiful ship as I was perfeshnally engaged in, we laid out a lovely +lunshun with evry luckshury of the season, and all kinds of wine, at +about 2 o'clock, and then, as we picked up our swell passengers at +the warious peers, our Managing Gent says to them, says he, "If you +please, Gents, lunch is laid out in the cabin, and will be continually +laid out all day, so you can act accordin." And so they did! and that +cabin was jest about comfertably occepied all day long, except for +about ten minutes jest as the Botes was a cummin by. Ah! that's my +highdeal of spending an appy day, and a pitty it is as it ony comes +wunce a year! + +BROWN, who was along with me, tried werry Hard to gammon me to bleeve +as none of the pullers in the fust boat got nothink for winning, and +that none of the pullers in the larst boat paid nothink for loosing! +But I wasn't quite such a born fool as to beleeve that rubbish. I +had jest the same good larf as usual in seeing how hard the three big +steam-boats, as started jest after the racing-boats, tried their werry +hardest to catch 'em up, but coudn't do it till they was past the +winning post! And the best of the fun was, as they painted two of 'em +Oxford and Cambridge, to make all poor greenhorns beleeve as they was +the reel racing-boats, and the other was a going fust jest to show +'em the way. Lor, how heasy it is to gammon sum poor fellers! Like all +trew waiters, hating any think at all like waste, me and BROWN, and +the other two of us, seed all our Company hoff, and then we quietly +took our seats, and I bleeves as I can truly say, that, neether in the +eatable line, or the drinkable line, was there any waste in that there +bootiful Steamer that there appy day. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +FROM MR. J. L. T**LE.--It is not true that _Die Walküre_, about to be +produced at the Grand Opera, in Paris, is either an adaptation, or a +translation, of _Walker--London_. It's WAGNER, not WALKER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WAY TO GET ON. + +_Fair Amateur Palmist (who has kissed the Blarney Stone)._ "I'M SORRY +TO SAY, DEAR LADY CROESUS, THAT YOU WILL HAVE A SERIOUS ILLNESS AT +FORTY!"] + + * * * * * + +A DELICATE QUESTION. + +[In the pages of the _Author_ Mr. BESANT suggests, that "the Society +of Authors should undertake the examination of journalists."] + + O zealous Mr. BESANT, we have heard with consternation + Of this, the latest project of your ever-busy band; + Each journalist, apparently, must pass examination, + Lest any deal with matters which he does not understand. + + You're horrified to notice at performances dramatic + A row of so-called critics, knowing nothing of the play; + You mean to make essential an acquaintance with the Attic, + In all allowed to comment on the drama of to-day. + + With ample stock of history and other knowledge, clearly, + The man who writes on politics must show himself supplied, + The taste of all reviewers will be criticised severely, + The Sporting Sage must qualify in papers on _Ruff's Guide_. + + No doubt your plan is laudable, but then we find it printed + That novelists to manage all the scheme will be allowed, + And since they love reviewers not, it may, perhaps, be hinted, + That every man alive of us is certain to be ploughed! + + Moreover, on reflection, quite excusably one fancies + That, if so great advantage in the system you discern, + Its use should be extended to the weavers of romances, + And you and other novelists should suffer in your turn! + + And so, if we may venture on a practical suggestion, + Assuming that your postulate's indubitably true, + And all should be examined--there must yet remain the question, + _Custodes quis custodiet?_--For who'll examine _you?_ + + * * * * * + +WINES OR MINES?--Mrs. R. has on several occasions heard gentlemen +talking of "passing the Rubicon," and she wants to know whether this +is a Bill in Parliament about the Ruby Mines, or whether it is a +modern expression for what was many years ago, as she was informed by +her grandfather, a slang after-dinner phrase--"Pass the Ruby," _i.e._, +the wine? + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE RECESS. + +_The Pr-m-r._ To rest and sample (under the personal supervision of +Mrs. G.) Home Rule. + +_The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry._ To forget the speeches he had prepared for +Loyal Ulster. + +_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt._ To practise Local Option in the New Forest. + +_Lord R-s-b-ry._ To make up his mind about Uganda. + +_Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll._ To follow where he once led. + +_Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r._ To lead where he once followed. + +_The Duke of D-v-nsh-re._ To acquire a taste for "another place." + +_Sir A-g-st-s Dr-l-n-s._ To grapple with the Opera difficulty. + +_Mr. H-nry Irv-ng._ To run along with _Becket._ + +_Miss Ell-n T-rry._ To continue the same movement. + +_Mr. J. L. T-le._ To prepare to take _Walker--London_ to "Castle, +Windsor." + + * * * * * + +LEGAL QUERY ANSWERED SATISFACTORILY.--In an Article on the Lecture +on Cross-examination by Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., a _D. T._ Leader +reminded its readers of the scene in _The Village Lawyer_, where +Defendant is instructed by his Counsel to answer every question by +simply saying, in an imbecile manner, "Ba-a-a!" Subsequently, on +aforesaid Counsel asking for his fee, his client replied, "Ba-a-a!" +"What," asks the _D. T._, "would Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., do +with such a witness in cross-examination?" Why, 'tis evident that such +a case would not arise, as professional etiquette would prevent one +Barrister from taking a fee from a brother Barrister, that is as long +as the latter _stuck to the Ba-a-a!_ + + * * * * * + +VERY APPROPRIATE.--At Drury Lane, on Easter Monday, will appear _The +Bohemian Girl_, followed by the rivals in _Rustic Chivalry_. Very +flattering to the dear old _Bohemian Girl_. + + * * * * * + +TREACHEROUS WEATHER.--Lord SALISBURY has had a bad cold. He has been +recommended, however, not to put on, but to put off, his Ulster. + + * * * * * + +END OF THE COTTON STRIKE.--General rejoicings! All join in a reel! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES.] + +ACTING MANAGER H-RC-RT. "WELL, SIR, I THINK WE MAY SAY THAT,--IN +SPITE OF THE ORGANISED OPPOSITION IN THE HOUSE,--THE FIRST ACT HAS +REALLY GONE VERY WELL!" + +MR. G. (_Author and Manager_). "H'M!--BUT THE _RISKY SITUATION_ COMES +IN THE NEXT ACT!" + + * * * * * + +TO MOLLY--AN APRIL FOOL. + +_By a Bachelor-in-Love_ (_with Himself._) + + +[Illustration] + + + You never, MOLLY, plucked the chances + Last Leap Year brought of wedded rapture, + (Since Flattery wins, where Beauty's glances + Have failed to perpetrate a capture)? + + You never wrote to crave my fortune + That February! Bashful, may be, + Or over-fearful to importune + A _parti_ so renowned, you gaby! + + Imprudent damsel, to let slip + So much _insouciance_ and money! + I bear no malice now, and dip + This goosequill not in gall, but honey, + + I supplicate thee to be mine, + Bewitching Fair, thy lode-star mocking: + To sweetest vengeance I incline. + (Great Scott! the sacrifice is shocking!) + + With you to share a gem unique, + My best possession, foolish MOLLY, + This is the penalty I seek, + Dear fool of Spring, dear spring of Folly! + + Yet, ere I give myself away, + And abdicate on foolscap flimsy, + Let me implore you, mark the day-- + Time-honoured feast of prank and whimsy. + + Of my pet self, I offer half-- + To gain it myriads have endeavoured, + So take it, _take my photograph + Inclosed, and most adroitly severed_. + + * * * * * + +THE TELEPHONIC LOVE-SONG. + + ["Lovemaking by telephone has now become quite + common."--_Daily Paper._] + + Love, are you there? Most patiently I've waited + To hear the answering tinkle on my bell; + Have then the central offices belated + Not switched me on as yet to thy hotel? + Or is--oh, bitter thought!--a rival hated + Addressing thee by telephone as well? + Love, are you there? Distracted I repine; + Oh, hear thy humble four-nought-seven-nine! + + Never three-five-nine-six have I addressed, + The number registered for Mrs. JONES, + Nor for six-eight-two-one the button pressed + To woo Miss BROWN in telephonic tones; + So grant, I pray, my moderate request, + Nor keep me waiting thus with aching bones, + My anxious ear pressed to the tube with care, + While vainly I re-echo, "Are you there?" + + The suitor in the happier days of old, + When he would woo his lady-love divine, + Beneath her window his affection told + In skilful verse and neatly-balanced line; + And even if he sometimes caught a cold, + His was a less prosaic way than mine; + Then they'd embrace--no doubt it was not proper, + But I can only kiss a plate of copper! + + Oh come, my love, and speak to me again, + Say that you live for my unworthy sake, + And kindly make each syllable quite plain, + To guard against all subsequent mistake; + And soon may fortune re-unite us twain, + Communication never more to break! + Take up your tube in answer to my prayer; + Once more I speak my greeting--_Are you there?_ + + * * * * * + +GEE HO, GOSCHEN! + +_Jokim_ (_singing his Agricultooral-looralist lay_). + + "O Flaxen-headed Ploughman, + A whistling o'er the lee, + Oh, do not _you_ know _how_, man, + I've ever lovèd thee!" + + * * * * * + +EASTER REGULATIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS. + +1. Volunteers shall be expected to be up by the dawn in the morning, +be the weather rain or shine, fog, or otherwise. They will be marched +for scores of miles all day long, and, on their arrival at their +destination, shall consider themselves lucky if they find the most +primitive accommodation. + +2. Although they may be accompanied by their officers, the Volunteer +rank and file will clearly understand that they are manoeuvring +purely for the pleasure, if not improvement, of a few warriors +connected with the Household troops. + +3. They shall undertake the necessary duties at their own expense, and +every detail supplied by the War Office shall form the matter of an +angry altercation. + +4. The convenience of Volunteers shall be ignored, so that the +comforts of the Regular officers attached to the Citizen Force, may be +secured at their expense. + +5. Volunteer officers will be prepared to accept snubs and +condescension with their customary humility, and will not presume to +raise their voices in the presence of their superior (in quality if +not in rank) commanders. + +6. Volunteers of all ranks will work like niggers for nothing, save +the barren honour of being told (subsequently in the public prints) +that they have merely done their duty. + +7. And, to conclude, Volunteers will be expected to say that they have +thoroughly enjoyed their holiday, however difficult it may be to feel +it. + + * * * * * + +AN ELIGIBLE _PARTI_. + + I know a man who manhood's name profanes,-- + Most Mayfair mothers own him rather wild; + But, since he has more sovereigns than brains, + Each tries to catch and tame him for her child. + + He knows enough Arithmetic to keep + A Betting-book, and lose his little bets, + And though his sense of honour is not deep, + He always pays his "honourable" debts. + + Some scores of trowsers own him as their Lord, + And endless ties and one unchanging sneer; + He owes his tailor what would lodge and board + And wash a brace of curates for a year. + + His wit is not so pointed as his boots, + Bright with the polish which his manners lack, + Nor yet so chaste as those astounding suits + Which deck his shrunken limbs and padded back. + + His stays are always, _he_ is often, "tight," + His collar, like his birth, is _sans reproche_; + He seldom does a thing because it's right, + But, on the other hand, is never _gauche_. + + The Music Hall hath charms to soothe his breast, + But tries in vain to tinge his pallid cheek; + And yet the print he knows and loves the best, + Is that which duly blushes once a week. + + He never dances since the law shut up + His native haunt, where he could really go it, + And romp the _pas-de-quatre_, and shout and sup-- + (Of course the Mayfair mothers did not know it). + + He never dances--but he goes about, + And you will always meet him "everywhere," + And sometimes after supper he'll sit out + A dance or two, provided she is fair. + + Some day he'll stoop to raise her to his throne, + Look tame and tired of wild oats--for a time; + And, when They reap the whirlwind he has sown, + We'll talk of his misfortune and her crime. + + * * * * * + +THOSE SILENT BOOTS. + +_Burglar's Ballad._ AIR--"_Those Evening Bells._" + + Those Silent Boots! Those Silent Boots! + When out upon our gay galoots, + 'Twill give us coves the bloomin' jumps, + If we carn't 'ear the Copper's clumps! + + 'Ave Bobby's Bluchers passed away? + That there will bust the Burglar's lay! + Wot, _silent_ "Slops"--like evening swells? + It's wus than them electric bells! + + No, no! I 'opes, till _I_ am gone, + The Bobby's Boots will still clump on. + Their warnin' sound our bizness soots, + But bust the thought o' _Silent_ Boots! + + * * * * * + +SOME EVILL-MINDED PERSONS.--At the Royal Academy of Music the +competition for the Evill Prize took place last Friday, which, to +unsuccessful competitors was a day of Evill omen. This is one of the +rare instances where "Out of Evill cometh good." + + * * * * * + +"ART, HOW SHE IS LEARNED." + +SCENE--_London. Time--any day of the Week between Show Sunday and +Academy Sunday. Present--two_ Art Critics _à la Mode_. + +_First A. C._ (_after a pause_). Yes, met a crowd of people last +Sunday. Bad memory myself, but hanged if I can remember why I went out +on Sunday. + +_Second A. C._ (_after consideration_). And I too. I hate going out +on a Sunday as a rule, but I went last week. However, might have been +worse fun. Met PEACOCK girls. Rather good form. + +_First A. C._ Yes, Jolly. Going to meet 'em next Sunday,--Mulberry +Road. + +_Second A. C._ (_lighting a cigarette_). I'm going to the Mulberry +Road too. + +_First A. C._ (_also lighting a cigarette_). But why? + +_Second A. C._ (_after smoking for two minutes in silence_). Haven't +the faintest idea! Stay! Ah! (_Producing tiny memorandum book._) Here +it is, April 2nd--Mulberry Road--Academy Pictures. + +_First A. C._ (_with returning intelligence_). Of course! Why, that's +what we went about. To see the pictures! + +_Second A. C._ (_with further intelligence_). Yes. Going next Sunday +to Mulberry Road to see the pictures again. Rather fun, seeing +pictures! + +_First C._ (_after a long pause_). Yes, rather. + +[_Scene closes in upon their commencing to discuss some other +subject._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORTUNE'S FOOL. + +"WELL, IF THAT DON'T BEAT HEVERYTHINK, 'AVEN'T SET UP 'ERE IN BUSINESS +A MONTH, AND THEY'RE GOIN' TO REDRAIN THE 'OLE PLACE!"] + + * * * * * + +QUITE A CHIC CARGO! + +A GROUP of "World's Women" belonging to all races, has set out from +Southampton in the steamship _Paris_, _en route_ to the World's Fair. +There are English damsels, Scotch lassies, Tyrolese, Hungarian, +Parisian, Chinese, and Japanese ladies. Instead of being called +"World's Women," they ought, of course, to go as "World's Fair-ies." +"Arrangements have been made for bringing them back;" but suppose +they prefer to stay? America is a free country; Chicago is one of the +freest parts of it. So, after their relative powers of fascinating the +American male have been tested, their power of becoming his relatives +may have to be counted with. Let us hope they will be accommodated +with separate buildings at the Exposition; or a "Lady's Battle" +may ensue, under Queensberry Rules. European _versus_ Asiatic, +or--say--Fräulein _versus_ Mademoiselle. This would be a great hit. + + * * * * * + +TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE. + + The most cursory eye it must surely strike, + That VOTE and VETO look much alike. + Yet rival ranters are straining throat, + To VOTE the VETO--_or_ VETO the VOTE! + On a slight transposition thus hinges the quarrel + 'Twixt the fierce fanatics of Pump and Barrel. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 20._--"That's the best speech +HARCOURT has made this Session," said GEORGE CURZON, as we walked into +Lobby to support Government against onslaught of SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S +GATE, who disapproves its Uganda policy. + +"Which speech?" I asked, eagerly, always anxious to learn. GEORGE +CURZON just back from far East; has sat astride the Wall of China, +and taken five-o'clock tea with the QUEEN OF COREA. ULYSSES, with his +twenty-years' tramp, not in it with him. "Which speech?" I repeated. +"The speech he didn't make just now in reply to CHAMBERLAIN," said +CURZON, in that sententious tone, and with that grave manner he has +learned among the Apaches of the Ural Mountains. + +Wants thinking over, this; but is quite true. A great temptation for +the SQUIRE; would have been irresistible at one time. JOSEPH had made +a brilliant speech, scintillating with diamond dagger-points. Yielding +to the habit of heredity, he had been more than usually disagreeable +towards his Brethren. "The original JOSEPH," as the SQUIRE remarked, +in a little aside, whilst the speech went on amid uproarious delight +of the Gentlemen of England, "had one soft place in his resentful +heart. But our JOE finds no BENJAMIN among us--unless, indeed, it be +TREVELYAN, and, I believe, if, after filling up his sack, he had put +in any extraneous substance, it would not have been a cup of silver." + +Time was when the SQUIRE would have jumped at this opportunity. +Benches crowded with jubilant gentlemen in dinner dress; excitement +of cheers and counter-cheers filled House. Few things delight it more +than encounter between these two brilliant swordsmen. Only half-past +eleven; Twelve-o'clock Rule suspended; plenty of time for business +by-and-by; half an hour's sport hurt nobody. + +When SQUIRE rose, a ringing cheer went up from Ministerialists. Their +turn now. JOE was "going to catch it." But SQUIRE knew better than +that. Opportunity tempting; almost irresistible. But business first, +pleasure after. With touching air of resignation, SQUIRE said they +had listened to a very good speech, and now he hoped the Vote would +be agreed to; at which point he meekly sat down. Shock so sudden and +unexpected that no one but NOLAN moved, and he, finding himself on +his legs, had no words ready. Whilst he was gasping in search of them, +Closure moved; Chairman, who is getting well into the saddle, put +question with lightning-like rapidity; before Committee quite knew +where it was, it was dividing on the Uganda Vote. + +_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates concluded; Report of Supply +agreed to; way cleared for Appropriation Bill. + + +_Tuesday Night._--HENRY FOWLER explained Parish Council Bill in speech +of equal force and lucidity. "Hands all round," as TENNYSON said, in +applause of speech and approval of Bill. JESSE COLLINGS rather hinted +that anything good in measure was conveyed from RITCHIE'S Bill, and +everyone knows that RITCHIE was mere lay-figure behind which JESSE +controlled policy of Local Government Board under last Administration. +Even this criticism meant as compliment. No harsher note disturbed +chorus of approval. + +JOKIM, in effusion of moment, led into making interesting confession. +As he says, only he put it stronger, general impression is that he +is not particularly attached to Agricultural Labourer. BOBBY SPENCER, +when he made his historic declaration--"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not +an Agricultural Labourer"--understood to have JOKIM in his mind; +endeavouring to ingratiate himself with the statesman who, at the +time, was CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER. JOKIM, certainly, through long +and honourable career, never lost opportunity of hustling HODGE. +Deductions drawn from this attitude entirely erroneous. Only been +dissembling his love. Made clean breast of it to-day. Clasping his +hands with genuine emotion, tear plainly tickling through his voice, +he exclaimed, "It has been the dream of my life to educate the +Agricultural Labourer in Parish affairs!" + +[Illustration: "CATCHING VOTES." +(_Suggested by the Picture "Catching Flies."_)] + +"Well, I must say, I never would have thought it," said GRANDOLPH, +regarding with new interest his Right Hon. friend. + +_Business done._--Parish Councils Bill brought in. + +_Thursday._--Pretty to watch Mr. G. in conversation with Prince ARTHUR +on question of Vote of Censure. When CAMERON, "doing a bit of bounce," +as BRODRICK said, asked PREMIER whether, supposing Opposition +resolved to move Vote of Censure, a day wouldn't be found for them, +Ministerialists cheered and Opposition responded. House never more +like public school than when a fight is being got up. Now spirit rose +to bubbling point; cheering and counter-cheering incessant. Only Mr. +G. sat silent, apparently so deeply interested in Orders that he had +not noticed what was forward. But he saw it all, saw a foot or two +further into futurity than the jubilant throng behind him. CAMERON +had unwittingly dealt trump card to Opposition avowedly bent on +obstructing Home-Rule Bill. Had a pretty good go to-day. Two hours +for Questions; two hours more to be used up on Motion for Adjournment. +That would serve to throw Registration Bill over sitting and spoil Mr. +G.'s little programme. But this suggestion of Vote of Censure coming +from other side, worth at least couple of days. Mr. G. saw it all, +and once glanced quickly across table in search of sign that anyone on +Front Bench opposite had made the discovery. Thought he saw a gleam +of intelligence in GRANDOLPH'S eye. Hoped things might blow over; +but there was inconvenient questioner behind, with Scotch persistency +waiting answer. Ministerialists cheering like mad; Opposition +truculently responding; all waiting for him. Must do or say something. +Wouldn't commit himself by saying anything. Half rose from seat and +bowed assent. + +[Illustration: POPPING THE QUESTIONS; +_Or, Scene from old Burlesque of "Obstruction" as revived at St. +Stephen's Theatre Royal._] + +By this time Prince ARTHUR began to see light. Some smart fencing +followed; Prince ARTHUR pressed home Vote of Censure question; Mr. G., +whilst carefully avoiding any movement that might seem like retreat, +evaded the point. Later, when GRANDOLPH remarked that PRIME MINISTER +had challenged them to move Vote of Censure, Mr. G. angrily retorted, +"I did nothing of the sort." Too late now; Right Hon. Gentlemen on +Front Opposition Bench having put their heads together, determined to +ride in at gate CAMERON obligingly opened. Drew up Motion of Vote of +Censure, and Mr. G. must needs, out of his diminishing hoard of days, +find one for debating it; Opposition mean to make it two, or even +three. + +[Illustration: _Mr. G._ (_sings sotto voco_), "How happy could I be +with either! Were only Uganda away!"] + +"I wish," said Mr. G., in those chest-notes that indicate profounder +indignation, "my people would leave me to manage the business of +House." + +_Business done._--Four hours wasted. Vote of Censure invited. + +_Friday Midnight._--Wonder to find SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE still at +post of duty. Business rather heavy work; think it would be well that +so precious a life should be cared for. Say this to him. + +"You're very kind, TOBY," he answered, just a little wearily "but I +never think of myself when the interests of my QUEEN and Country are +at stake. Fact is, I have charge of a Bill drafted in the interests of +our fellow-citizen the Sweep. He has thrown himself into my arms (of +course I use the phrase in a Parliamentary sense) and I am resolved +to do my best for him. I am told that the business which called the +Judges into private consultation the other day was a proposal to place +my bust, crowned with laurel, on a prominent pedestal in the Royal +Courts of Justice. Well, I have done something in my time for justice; +just now all my sympathies are with the Sweep. I receive deputations +of them every day. No, they don't enter by the chimney, but come in by +the front-door in ordinary fashion. When there are more than five of +them, and they stay over twenty minutes, they leave a little smell +lingering in the room. But that's nothing. I'm waiting now to move +Second Reading of my Bill. Want Mr. G. to take it up. Have told him +people really don't care for Home-Rule Bill, whereas, if he gave his +mind to it, he might rouse the country on the question of the harmless +necessary Sweep. But no use. He's too deeply rooted in his attachment +to his Home-Rule scheme. Daresay I shall get my Bill through first." + +_Business done._--Patience of long-suffering SPEAKER breaks down +at last. JEMMY LOWTHER did it. On Appropriation Bill moved +incomprehensible Amendment, in unintelligble speech; SPEAKER came down +on him "like cartload of bricks," as JOHN BURNS put it. JAMES only +temporarily subdued; will probably come up smiling on Monday. + + + + + * * * * * + + + +Transcriber's note: + + Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +104, APRIL 1, 1893*** + + +******* This file should be named 22698-8.txt or 22698-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 1, 1893</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Editor: Francis Burnand</p> +<p>Release Date: September 21, 2007 [eBook #22698]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 104, APRIL 1, 1893***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Volume 104, APRIL 1, 1893.</h2> + +<h3>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</h3> + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + +<h2>THE BUBBLE SHOP; OR, "ONLY HIS PLAY."</h2> + +<p>How many deserving persons besides dramatic authors are looking +about for good situations, and are unable to find them! Mr. <span class="sc">'Enry +Hauthor Jones</span> was sufficiently fortunate to obtain a good dramatic +situation of tried strength, which, placed in the centre of novel and +most improbable (not to say impossible) surroundings, has, in the +hands of Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Wyndham</span> and his highly trained company +of illusionists, achieved a remarkable success.</p> + +<p>Within the last few years there have been notorious cases +associated with the names of Members of Parliament, but as the +House is a Legislative Assembly and not an inquisitorial tribunal +instituted for the public investigation of private morality, no charge +could be brought in the House itself against any one of its Members +until after a Court of Law had pronounced its verdict, and, even +then, a Member of Parliament, convicted of a criminal offence, +would not cease <i>ipso facto</i> to belong to the House until after a motion +for his expulsion had been carried. As <i>Fritz</i> in <i>La Grande Duchesse</i> +expressed his wish to become a schoolmaster, in order that he might +obtain some smattering of education, so an immoral M.P. (if any +such there be) would be the very one to stand sponsor for a Bill for +the Better Preservation of Public Morals, with a view to gaining +that elementary knowledge of morality in which his education had +been defective. But no one could have brought up some awkward +case against him in the course of a debate in the House. In the parliamentary +proceedings of Little Peddlington this might be done, but +not in the House of Commons, which, by a very polite but necessary +fiction, is supposed to be a House of Uncommons, far above the +weaknesses of the ordinary human nature of mere Constituents.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/145.png"><img src="images/145-600.png" width="600" height="404" alt="Model Figures in the Criterion Toy-Shop." /></a><br /><br /><span class="sc">Model Figures in the Criterion Toy-Shop.</span></div> + +<p><i>Mr. Stoach</i> (capitally played by Mr. <span class="sc">J. Valentine</span>—but everybody +plays capitally in this piece) finds <i>Lord Clivebrooke</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Charles +Wyndham</span>—admirable also) between midnight and one in the morning +alone with charming <i>Jessie Keber</i> (Miss <span class="sc">Mary Moore</span>,—delightful!) +in old <i>Matthew Keber's</i> toy-shop, <i>Keber</i> himself (another very +clever impersonation by Mr. <span class="sc">W. H. Day</span>) having gone out on the sly +to get drunk on money supplied him by the aforesaid unscrupulous +<i>Stoach, M.P.</i> So what would have to be said in the House should +amount to this:—</p> + +<p><i>Stoach.</i> What! the Leader of the House bring in this Purity Bill!! +Why I saw him myself with my own eyes in a toy-shop, all among +the toys, alone at one in the morning with an attractive young person +of the female persuasion.</p> + +<p>"Look at that now," says an Irish M.P., following the example +of <i>Shaun the Post</i> in <i>The Colleen Bawn</i>, when the scoundrelly +lawyer brings a charge against the hero of the drama, "An' what +might <i>you</i> be doin' about there at that same time?"</p> + +<p>Supposing, for an instant, the impossible, <i>Stoach</i> would be called to +order, and be severely reprimanded by the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>.</p> + +<p>Had the much-heckled and long-suffering <i>Clivebrooke</i> been gifted +by the Author with lively ready-wit, he would have replied to his +father and supporters, who invade his room, in the pleasantest +and Charliest-Wyndhamest manner, "Yes (<i>lightly and airily</i>). +What could I be doing in a toy-shop with a young lady? Why +(<i>still more lightly and airily</i>) of course I was '<i>toying with +her!</i>'" +Whereupon his old father would have been immensely tickled, and +the deputation, in fits of laughter, would have rushed back to the +lobby to report "the last good thing said by that clever chap +<i>Clivebrooke!</i> +So like him!"</p> + +<p>This Act would have ended with the triumph of ready-wit over +disappointed malignity. <i>Jessie +Keber</i> would have run in and embraced her +hero, the Bill would have been carried (<i>Cheers heard without</i>), +and all would have ended happily and pleasantly without +any necessity having arisen for another Act, either of Parliament +or of the piece.</p> + +<p>"Yes," says this dramatist, "I admit the soft impeachment. I +plead guilty, with extenuating circumstances. <i>The play's the +thing</i>; and if the facts don't suit my play, so much the worse for the +facts. Success has been achieved, and what more can any living +author want? Credit and cash. <i>Voilà tout!</i> +'Credit' for my own original +invention in hitting upon the Parliamentary accessories to my +picture; and 'cash,' which will be paid as long as the public take +an interest <i>in</i> the play, and just so long shall I take my interest +<i>out</i> of the public money."</p> + +<p>To sum up in the words of the old-fashioned tag, "If our friends +in front are pleased, then Manager and Author are satisfied." But, +if objection be still taken to the unreality of the Parliamentary +setting of the picture, then "please remember," apologises <span class="sc">'Enry +Hauthor</span>, "that '<i>it's only my play</i>.'"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A Liberator Lay.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Three little roguey-boys said to Conscience—"Pooh!"</p> +<p>Croydon made one its Mayor, and then there were two.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Two little roguey-boys thought that Fraud was fun;</p> +<p>A Judge thought otherwise, and then there was one.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>One little roguey-boy took the Chiltern Hun-</p> +<p>dreds upon his road to Spain, and then there was none!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Walking Round His Subject.</span>—In <span class="sc">Tay Pay's</span> interesting review +of <i>The Life of Lord Aberdeen</i>, a Book of the Week in the <i>Sun</i>, +there is a delightful chord which shows that "the harp that once +thro' Tara's halls" still upon occasion twangs. "It is pleasant," +says <span class="sc">Tay Pay</span>, writing of Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>, "to be able to project +ourselves backward to the time, when the statesman we know as +full of years and the idol of millions, was the bashful, self-distrustful +youth." Now, if next week our young friend, whose +sympathy with bashful, self-distrustful youth, is instinctive, will +manage to withdraw himself forward, he may be said to have +thoroughly reconnoitered his subject, an excellent thing in a +reviewer.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/146.png"><img src="images/146-600.png" width="600" height="459" alt="THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS, F-WL-R AND G-SCH-N." /></a><br />THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS, F-WL-R AND G-SCH-N.</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/147.png"><img src="images/147-492.png" width="492" height="450" alt="ASSISTED EDUCATION." /></a><h4>ASSISTED EDUCATION.</h4> + +<p><i>Christabel.</i> "<span class="sc">I say, Jack, how ever do you define the Equator</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Jack</i> (<i>who has been to the Circus</i>). "<span class="sc">Isn't it a Menagerie Lion +that goes round the World</span>?"</p> + +<p> <i>Jack has learnt about "the Imaginary Line," and got the answer a little +mixed.</i></p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND <br />THE RIVAL SWAINS.</h2> + +<h3><i>An Easter Eclogue.</i></h3> + +<table summary="cast" align="center" border="0"> + <tr> + <td><i>Chloe</i></td> + <td>Miss <span class="sc">Hodge</span></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><i>Corydon</i></td> + <td>H. H. <span class="sc">F-wl-r</span></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><i>Strephon</i></td> + <td>J. G. <span class="sc">G-sch-n</span>.</td> + </tr> +</table> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>smirking</i>). I have found out a gift for <i>my</i> fair,</p> +<p class="i2">Such as sugary <span class="sc">Shenstone</span> ne'er found!</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>aside, sniffing</i>). His bowpot's made up, I declare,</p> +<p class="i2">Half of flowers he's filched from <i>my</i> ground!</p> +<p><i>Chloe</i> (<i>pirouetting</i>). Oh la! What a lovely bokay!</p> +<p class="i2">That for <i>me!</i> Oh, you're awfully kyind!</p> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>ogling</i>). Ah! I've loved you this many a day!</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>sighing</i>). And for years you've been first in my mind!</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Chloe</i> (<i>aside</i>). My! Isn't it nice to be courted like this?</p> +<p>I believe I could buy 'em both up with a kiss!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>gloating</i>). Love, you dance just as <span class="sc">Perdita</span> danced!</p> +<p class="i2">You must be a Princess in disguise.</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>aside</i>). And not long since he swore that she pranced</p> +<p class="i2">Likes a clown who contends for a prize.</p> +<p><i>Chloe</i> (<i>bridling</i>). <i>Me</i> a Princess? Oh la! that's your fun.</p> +<p class="i2">You know that my feyther was <span class="sc">Hodge</span>!</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>aside</i>). Of course; but, providing she's won,</p> +<p class="i2">He'll descend to the paltriest dodge.</p> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>effusively</i>). You're the Pride of the Village, and fashioned to rule</p> +<p>In the Cottage, the Council, the Church, and the School!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chloe</i> (<i>coyly</i>). You're a flattering of me, young man!</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Corydon</i> (<i>ardently</i>). If I am, maay I forfeit your—Vote!</p> +<p><i>Chloe.</i> Well, of course, I will do what I can,</p> +<p class="i2">As the Parish-princess, to promote</p> +<p>The—what is it you want me to do?</p> +<p class="i4">Yes, the Poor—and the Ditches—and Drains,</p> +<p class="i2">The Rates—I do hope <i>they</i>'ll be few!</p> +<p class="i4">The Allotments—I trust they'll be gains!</p> +<p class="i2">But the Squire and the Parson? Oh! <span class="sc">Corydon</span> mine,</p> +<p>When <i>they</i> hear what you've done, <i>won't</i> they kick up a shine?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>brusquely</i>). Oh! the Squire and the Parson be—blowed!</p> +<p class="i2">All too long they've been cocks o' the walk.</p> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). Quite right! How this buzzum has glowed</p> +<p class="i2">Your twin tyrants to baffle and baulk!</p> +<p><i>Corydon</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). You've dissembled your—hate for them well,</p> +<p class="i4">Master <span class="sc">Strephon!</span> It never leaked out</p> +<p class="i2">Till <i>we</i> made <span class="sc">Patient Grizzel</span> a <i>belle!</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>Now</i> you'd like to cut in, I've no doubt.</p> +<p><i>Chloe</i> (<i>coquettishly</i>). La sakes! do not quarrel!</p> +<p class="i4">You're both very kyind,</p> +<p>But—I fancy dear <span class="sc">Corydon's</span> most to my mind.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>[<i>Beams on him, and accepts the Bouquet.</i></p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Strephon</i> (<i>suppressing himself</i>). Well, well, 'tis the fortune of war!</p> +<p class="i2">As it's holiday season, let's sing,</p> +<p>Should Shepherds at Eastertide jar?</p> +<p class="i2">Suave <span class="sc">Shenstone</span> would scout such a thing.</p> +<p>I wish you and <span class="sc">Corydon</span> luck—</p> +<p class="i2">The posy he's plucked you looks fine;</p> +<p>Though I must say my fancy it struck,</p> +<p class="i2">It was not wholly new—in design.</p> +<p>However, dear <span class="sc">Chloe</span>, you're sweet; 'tis fair weather;</p> +<p>So, <span class="sc">Corydon</span>, let's sing her praises—together—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>They sing</i>:—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Her charms—since she possessed the Vote—</p> +<p>Are things on which the swains all dote.</p> +<p class="i2">Fearing to flout or slight.</p> +<p>She dances, having now her way,</p> +<p>No bygone Easter holiday</p> +<p class="i2">E'er saw so fine a sight!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Our village <i>Belle</i> with <i>anyone</i></p> +<p>Dares now to make comparison.</p> +<p class="i2">Fair nymph, this Easter fun done,</p> +<p>With proudest County Toast, though fair,</p> +<p>You may compete or charms compare</p> +<p class="i2">With the haughtiest "Pride of London!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Astounding Report</span>.—There is no +foundation whatever for the report of +the resignation of Lord <span class="sc">Herschell</span>. +It probably arose from some incautious +and slangy person speaking of him in +his office of <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span> as +having "got the sack." Obviously +the Wool-sack was intended.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A Genuine Philanthropist.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O <span class="sc">Passmore Edwards</span>, you, beyond contention,</p> +<p>Are worthy <i>Punch's</i> "Honourable Mention."</p> +<p>Whenever there be any boons a-brewing</p> +<p>You're very sure, Sir, to be up and doing!</p> +<p>There's scarce a project schemed with kindly sense,</p> +<p>But profits by your large munificence.</p> +<p><i>Punch</i> won't forget to pray when passing bedwards,</p> +<p>For you—and for more bricks like <span class="sc">Passmore Edwards</span>!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>On the Second Reading of the Home-Rule Bill.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By a Rebellious Rad.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Butchered</span>—to make an Easter Holiday,</p> +<p>For Orangemen who yearn to have their say!</p> +<p>They've got political <i>delirium tremens</i>.</p> +<p><i>Orange?</i> Nay, they're sour as unripe lemons!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">The Real "Spiritual" (or shall we +say Spirituous?) Needs of London</span>.—Strict +Supervision of Gin Palaces, and a +rigid enforcement of the Adulteration Acts. +(<i>Licensing Authorities, Excise Officers, and +Policemen, please take Notice!</i>)</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A Tip in Time.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Country Vestrydom's called, by its new-fangled rival,</p> +<p>(The smart "Parish Council") "decrepit survival."</p> +<p>P. C., be not hard on the old form thou twittest!</p> +<p>Thou yet hast to prove <i>thy</i> "Survival" the "fittest."</p> + </div> </div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE CONFECTIONER'S.</h2> + +<h3>(<i>A Sketch on Saturday Afternoon.</i>)</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>.—<i>A Confectioner's Shop in a fashionable West-End +thoroughfare. +Close to the window is a counter, with the usual urns and +appurtenances, laden with an assortment of richly decorated +pastry, and presided over by an alert and short-tempered</i> +Manageress. <i>The little tables are close together, and crowded +with</i> Customers, <i>the majority of whom are ladies. A couple of +over-worked</i> Waitresses <i>are endeavouring, with but indifferent +success, to satisfy everybody at once.</i></p> + +<p><i>Cries from Customers.</i> Yes, two teas and <i>one</i> roll and butter—no, +I mean, one roll and butter and <i>two</i> teas! "<i>Have I ordered?</i>" +Why, the last time you said it was coming directly! Isn't that +chocolate ready <i>yet?</i> We shall <i>never</i> catch our train! I say, +Waitress, I ordered coffee and cakes a quarter of an hour ago, and +all we've got yet is two empty cups and a bowl of sugar! <i>Do</i> make +haste with that tea! I didn't say a <i>cup</i> of +tea—I said a <i>pot</i> of tea, as plain as——! (&c., &c.)</p> + +<p><i>Duet of Waitresses.</i> +Yes, Sir, attend to you in one moment. Are <i>you</i> the cup of tea, Madam? +Oh, I'll bring you a fork for your pastry directly. +There'll be some milk coming in a minute, Sir. Bread and butter? No, +Sir, you can have a <i>roll</i> and butter, or cakes, if you prefer them. Excuse me, +Madam, when I've done attending to <i>this</i> lady. No, Sir; it was the other young lady who took +your order—not me. <i>Would</i> you mind letting me have the milk-jug, if you've finished with it, +Madam? We're rather short of them. I'll <i>see</i> if I can get you a teaspoon, Sir. (&c., &c.)</p> + +<p><i>The Manageress</i> (<i>all in one breath, without any stops</i>). +Now then Miss <span class="sc">Simpson</span> don't you see these cups standing +here ready to be taken and there's that Gentleman in +the corner waiting to be attended to and tell Mrs. <span class="sc">Binks</span> we shall +want more milk and there put out those fancy cakes do two chocolates +Miss <span class="sc">Jones</span> well you can't have them yet because I've used +all the hot water what does the girl want next butter it's no use +coming <i>to me</i> for butter here take those cups to be washed up will +you you leave me to look after everythink myself and customers +leaving because they can't get served I declare I never saw such +girls as you are in all my born days!</p> + +<p><i>A Man from the Lyceum.</i> I'm not sure, after all, that <span class="sc">Irving's</span> +finest moment wasn't in that last scene. I mean, when <i>Fitzurse</i> +and those fellows came in, and he——</p> + +<p><i>First Lady</i> (<i>at adjoining table—from the Aquarium Theatre</i>). +Sat up on his <i>dear</i> tail, and struck out with those long hind legs of +his, <i>sweet</i> thing; he took such an <i>interest</i> in it all, didn't he?</p> + +<p><i>Second Lady</i> (<i>on opposite side of table—who has been to +"Hypatia"</i>). +Oh, and didn't she look <i>distractingly</i> lovely just after she +had finished lecturing; <i>you</i> know, when she——</p> + +<p><i>Third L.</i> (<i>close by, fresh from "Charley's Aunt"</i>). Stepped out +of the gown, and walked about in the old Lady's cap and false +front! I quite <i>cried</i> with laughing!</p> + +<p><i>Second L.</i> I liked the Proconsul—dear me, what <i>was</i> his name? +So <i>stupid</i> of me—but it doesn't matter! I thought he looked so perfectly +Byzantine when he came in with his lictors in the litter——</p> + +<p><i>Third L.</i> And played the piano so <i>beautifully!</i></p> + +<p><i>Second Hypatian L.</i> And didn't you think <span class="sc">Tree</span> was very +good?—that +part where he found out about his daughter, and stood +towering over her with a knife in his hand, and——</p> + +<p><i>Third L.</i> That enormous cigar stuck in his mouth—he was simply +too <i>killing!</i> [<i>And so on.</i></p> + +<p><i>Miss Camille Leon</i> (<i>by voiceless motion of her lips, and expressive +pantomime, for the guidance of her fiancé</i>, Mr. <span class="sc">Fred Forridge</span>, +<i>who +has gone to the counter to select dainties for her refection</i>). No, not +<i>those</i>—in the <i>next</i> dish—with chocolate outside ... no the +<i>long</i> ones—<i>oh</i>, +how stupid you are! Yes, if those are preserved cherries on +the iced sugar. Very well, the <i>pink</i> one, then—that will do.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forridge</i> (<i>returning with a loaded plate</i>). I hope I've got +what you wanted?</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> <i>Just</i> what I like—<i>how</i> clever of you! (<i>She +helps +herself, after dainty deliberation.</i>) Quite delicious! Aren't you +going to have any yourself?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>engaged in exploring his left-hand pocket surreptitiously, +with a +troubled expression</i>). +Oh, thanks—presently, +perhaps. (<i>To +himself.</i>) I must +have more than that +<i>somewhere!</i></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/148.png"><img src="images/148-500.png" width="500" height="450" alt="'I must have more than that _somewhere!_'" /></a><br />"I must have more than that <i>somewhere!</i>"</div> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> (<i>gaily</i>). +I advise you to make +haste—or there'll be +none left. They're +too seductive for +words. [<i>She chooses +another.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to +himself</i>). It <i>is</i> one-and-sixpence. +Fool +I was to go and forget +my sovereign-purse! +However—(<i>hopefully</i>), +two cups +of tea at fourpence—eightpence; +say +three cakes at twopence—one-and-twopence—oh, +I shall +manage it easily, +and leave a margin! +(<i>Aloud.</i>) I think I +won't have anything +to eat—not <i>hungry</i>, +don't you know.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> No +more am <i>I!</i> (<i>She +takes a third cake.</i>) +This has got cream +inside—aren't you +tempted?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself.</i>) +Only fourpence +to the good +now—mustn't risk +it! (<i>Aloud.</i>) Couldn't +indeed—spoil my +appetite for dinner.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> (<i>with superiority</i>). Oh, I never <i>have</i> any +appetite for +dinner. I loathe the very sight of food, somehow! But I do <i>wish</i> +you'd eat something—it's so <i>piggish</i> of you not to—<i>really</i> it is! +You must take just this weeny little one—to please Me! (<i>She +places it on his plate.</i>) Now you <i>can't</i> say no!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She is the <i>dearest</i> darling! +(<i>Aloud.</i>) +I'd do anything in the world to please you, <span class="sc">Camille</span>! (<i>To +himself.</i>) +After all, there's still <i>twopence!</i></p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> Good boy! (<i>As he eats.</i>) Well, is it a success?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>munching</i>). It isn't bad—got Marchpane, or something +of the kind on it.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> How nice! I adore Marchpane! You may go and +get me one just like it, if you're <i>very</i> good.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself, as he obeys her behest</i>). That cleans me +out! Thank goodness, no gratuities are allowed here, or else—and +this <i>must</i> be the last—she's had three already! If I'd only had +another sixpence, I shouldn't care, but this is running it devilish +close! (<i>Aloud, as he returns.</i>) This is the nearest I could get.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> Thanks, ever so much. Awfully nice tea this is. +(<i>Suggestively.</i>) They might give one bigger cups, though!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself, with pathos</i>). I'd give my life for her, +cheerfully—and I've got to deny her a second cup of tea! But +hang it, I <i>must</i>. I can't ask her to lend me fourpence to pay the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> +bill! (<i>Aloud.</i>) It's—er—just as well they don't. My sisters have +sworn off afternoon tea altogether; some medical Johnny told them +it—er—had a tendency to make the nose red!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). <span class="sc">Fred's</span> <i>sisters!</i> Very +likely! (<i>Aloud, +coldly.</i>) If you think there is any danger of that in <i>my</i> case, of +course I won't risk another cup.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> Oh—er—well, you never <i>know</i>, don't you know. +I—er—<i>wouldn't</i>. +(<i>To himself.</i>) Narrow shave that, by Jove!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> I think we'd better take a cab back, don't you?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>horrified</i>). M—much jollier walking. Streets as dry +as a bone!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> But I want to get home and arrange the table for +dinner to-night. Mother always likes me to do the flowers.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> Lots of time for that You c—can't judge of the effect +till it's dark, <i>can</i> you? And it +will be light for hours to come.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> Yes, that's true. +Then suppose we go and see the +<span class="sc">Burne-Joneses</span>, now we're so +near? They don't close till six.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). It +<i>would</i> have been jolly; but, half-a-crown, +when I can't even run +to a <i>catalogue!</i> No! (<i>Aloud.</i>) +It—it's getting so dark—can't +do 'em justice by artificial light, +do you think? And—well, to tell +you the honest truth, <span class="sc">Camille</span>, +after the Old Masters, you know—I—I +don't feel—and I <i>have</i> seen +them, you know!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> (<i>pouting</i>). I thought +you might have cared to see +them again—with Me—but it +doesn't in the least matter ... +<span class="sc">Fred</span>, I don't care about this cake +you got me—it's dull. I think +I shall leave it, and try one of +these white-and-green ones +instead. [<i>She does.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself—with a +beaded brow</i>). Broke! And for +an extra twopence! As likely as +not, she hasn't even got her purse +with her. And she'll think I'm +so beastly mean! Why on earth +didn't I let her go to the Aërated +Bread-shop, as she wanted? It +would have been all right then!</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> I'm afraid you're +rather bored, <span class="sc">Fred</span>—you don't +seem to be enjoying yourself +quite; <i>do</i> you?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>in agony</i>). Oh, I +<i>am</i>—I'm all right, <span class="sc">Camille</span>, +only I—I'm always like this after +the Old Masters, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Miss C. L.</i> So sorry I made +you bring me—don't you think +we had better pay, and go home?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Now +for it! (<i>He pulls himself together.</i>) +W—waitress, w—what have I to +pay, please?</p> + +<p><i>Waitress.</i> Two teas, eightpence; one, two—<i>six</i> cakes you've had, +I think, Sir? One-and-eightpence altogether.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Forr.</i> (<i>with a gasp</i>). Oh! (<i>He fetches up two coins abjectly +from his pocket</i>). I—I'm sorry to say that I—I've o—only one +shilling and (<i>with a start of intense relief</i>) half-a-sovereign, so +(<i>with +recovered dignity</i>) I'm afraid I must ask you to give me change. +(<i>To</i> Miss C. L.) I—I was only joking about the <span class="sc">Burne-Joneses</span>, +darling, I'd like to see them <i>awfully</i>—with you. And we can +walk home through the Park, or take a cab afterwards, just as <i>you</i> +feel about it. <i>Do</i> say you'll come!</p> + +<p>[Miss <span class="sc">Leon</span> <i>graciously consents, and</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Forridge</span> +<i>follows her +out of the shop with restored equanimity, as Scene closes in.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figright" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/149.png"><img src="images/149-342.png" width="342" height="450" alt="A BROTHERLY LECTURE." /></a><h3>A BROTHERLY LECTURE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="sc">What! <i>another</i> Scrape! What an Ass you must be, +always getting into Scrapes with Women! Why <i>do</i> you? +<i>I</i> never get into Scrapes with Women! Never got into a +Scrape with a Woman in my Life!"</span></p></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Fashionable Intelligence.</span>—The Dowager Lady <span class="sc">Crumbie</span> dined +out one night last week, when the dinner was so cold that her Ladyship +caught a severe chill, and next day the Cook caught it uncommonly +hot.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p><span class="sc">Advice Gratis.</span>—M. <span class="sc">Worth</span>, of Paris, says of the costumes of +The No-Connection "<span class="sc">Bradley & Co</span>," "You must take them for +what they are——<span class="sc">Worth.</span>"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>ROBERT AT THE BOAT-RACE.</h2> + + +<p>Well, as I've often said afore, and shall most probberly live to +say it again, there ain't no acounting for taste, speshally among the +hupper classes. Take last Wensday as a xampel. Here's a lot of +about twenty of the most heminent Swells in our most heminent +Huniwersitys, where they goes, as we all on us knows, to learn how +to tork Greek, which they finds so wunderful useful when they +growes up. Well, they has the hole year to choose from, save and +xcept Sundays, and I'm jiggered, as I herd a real Gent say, if they +don't go and select a day as goes and begins with a hawful heasterly +wind, and a contemptible shower of rain, just enuff to make thowsands +of our most loveliest Ladys at wunce risolve not to wenter out ewen to +see such a site as two boats full of hansum young gennelmen, all +drestin flannel, a pulling of them +two boats a matter of four miles! +And yet I'm told as there's a +learned Gent as publishes a little +book as tells you what the whether +will be ewery day in the year, and +he's werry offen rite.</p> + +<p>However, it all turned out rite +at larst, and we had a nice sunny +day, tho' why they kep us all a +waiting till arf-past fore o'clock +I'm sure I don't kno, when there +was thowsends of us waiting afore +two. Another little misstery is, +why they want no less than hayteen +strong-looking gents to pull too +little Botes along, sixteen on 'em a +pulling with their skulls, and two +on 'em a pulling with too little +ropes apeace, I have never bin +able to make out.</p> + +<p>I was told as it was a lovely +race, tho it seemed werry much as +usual to me. One of the botes got +a little in front of the other, and +so got in fust, and that was all. +But, sumhow, I don't quite think +as that is all as so many thowsands +goes out for. For instance, +now, in the butiful ship as I was +perfeshnally engaged in, we laid +out a lovely lunshun with evry +luckshury of the season, and all +kinds of wine, at about 2 o'clock, +and then, as we picked up our +swell passengers at the warious +peers, our Managing Gent says to +them, says he, "If you please, +Gents, lunch is laid out in the +cabin, and will be continually laid +out all day, so you can act accordin." +And so they did! and that +cabin was jest about comfertably +occepied all day long, except for +about ten minutes jest as the +Botes was a cummin by. Ah! +that's my highdeal of spending +an appy day, and a pitty +it is as it ony comes wunce a +year!</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Brown</span>, who was along with me, tried werry Hard to gammon me +to bleeve as none of the pullers in the fust boat got nothink for +winning, and that none of the pullers in the larst boat paid nothink +for loosing! But I wasn't quite such a born fool as to beleeve that +rubbish. I had jest the same good larf as usual in seeing how hard +the three big steam-boats, as started jest after the racing-boats, tried +their werry hardest to catch 'em up, but coudn't do it till they was +past the winning post! And the best of the fun was, as they painted +two of 'em Oxford and Cambridge, to make all poor greenhorns +beleeve as they was the reel racing-boats, and the other was a going +fust jest to show 'em the way. Lor, how heasy it is to gammon sum +poor fellers! Like all trew waiters, hating any think at all like +waste, me and <span class="sc">Brown</span>, and the other two of us, seed all our Company +hoff, and then we quietly took our seats, and I bleeves as I can +truly say, that, neether in the eatable line, or the drinkable line, +was there any waste in that there bootiful Steamer that there appy +day.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Robert.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">From Mr. J. L. T**le.</span>—It is not true that <i>Die Walküre</i>, about +to be produced at the Grand Opera, in Paris, is either an adaptation, +or a translation, of <i>Walker—London</i>. It's <span class="sc">Wagner</span>, not +<span class="sc">Walker</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/150.png"><img src="images/150-600.png" width="600" height="385" alt="THE WAY TO GET ON." /></a><h3>THE WAY TO GET ON.</h3> + +<p><i>Fair Amateur Palmist (who has kissed the Blarney Stone).</i> "<span class="sc">I'm sorry +to say, dear Lady Crœsus, that you will have a +Serious Illness at Forty!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A DELICATE QUESTION.</h2> + +<p class="center">[In the pages of the <i>Author</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Besant</span> suggests, that "the +Society of +Authors should undertake the examination of journalists."]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O zealous Mr. <span class="sc">Besant</span>, we have heard with consternation</p> +<p class="i2">Of this, the latest project of your ever-busy band;</p> +<p>Each journalist, apparently, must pass examination,</p> +<p class="i2">Lest any deal with matters which he does not understand.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You're horrified to notice at performances dramatic</p> +<p class="i2">A row of so-called critics, knowing nothing of the play;</p> +<p>You mean to make essential an acquaintance with the Attic,</p> +<p class="i2">In all allowed to comment on the drama of to-day.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>With ample stock of history and other knowledge, clearly,</p> +<p class="i2">The man who writes on politics must show himself supplied,</p> +<p>The taste of all reviewers will be criticised severely,</p> +<p class="i2">The Sporting Sage must qualify in papers on <i>Ruff's Guide</i>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No doubt your plan is laudable, but then we find it printed</p> +<p class="i2">That novelists to manage all the scheme will be allowed,</p> +<p>And since they love reviewers not, it may, perhaps, be hinted,</p> +<p class="i2">That every man alive of us is certain to be ploughed!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Moreover, on reflection, quite excusably one fancies</p> +<p class="i2">That, if so great advantage in the system you discern,</p> +<p>Its use should be extended to the weavers of romances,</p> +<p class="i2">And you and other novelists should suffer in your turn!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And so, if we may venture on a practical suggestion,</p> +<p class="i2">Assuming that your postulate's indubitably true,</p> +<p>And all should be examined—there must yet remain the question,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Custodes quis custodiet?</i>—For who'll examine <i>you?</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Wines or Mines?</span>—Mrs. R. has on several occasions heard gentlemen +talking of "passing the Rubicon," and she wants to know +whether this is a Bill in Parliament about the Ruby Mines, or +whether it is a modern expression for what was many years ago, as +she was informed by her grandfather, a slang after-dinner phrase—"Pass +the Ruby," <i>i.e.</i>, the wine?</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2>HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE RECESS.</h2> + +<p><i>The Pr-m-r.</i> To rest and sample (under the personal supervision +of Mrs. G.) Home Rule.</p> + +<p><i>The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry.</i> To forget the speeches he had prepared +for Loyal Ulster.</p> + +<p><i>Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt.</i> To practise Local Option in the New Forest.</p> + +<p><i>Lord R-s-b-ry.</i> To make up his mind about Uganda.</p> + +<p><i>Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll.</i> To follow where he once led.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r.</i> To lead where he once followed.</p> + +<p><i>The Duke of D-v-nsh-re.</i> To acquire a taste for "another place."</p> + +<p><i>Sir A-g-st-s Dr-l-n-s.</i> To grapple with the Opera difficulty.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. H-nry Irv-ng.</i> To run along with <i>Becket.</i></p> + +<p><i>Miss Ell-n T-rry.</i> To continue the same movement.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J. L. T-le.</i> To prepare to take <i>Walker—London</i> to "Castle, +Windsor."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Legal Query Answered Satisfactorily.</span>—In an Article on the +Lecture on Cross-examination by Mr. <span class="sc">Frank Lockwood</span>, Q.C., a +<i>D. T.</i> Leader reminded its readers of the scene in <i>The Village +Lawyer</i>, where Defendant is instructed by his Counsel to answer +every question by simply saying, in an imbecile manner, "Ba-a-a!" +Subsequently, on aforesaid Counsel asking for his fee, his client replied, +"Ba-a-a!" "What," asks the <i>D. T.</i>, "would Mr. <span class="sc">Frank Lockwood</span>, +Q.C., M.P., do with such a witness in cross-examination?" +Why, 'tis evident that such a case would not arise, as professional +etiquette would prevent one Barrister from taking a fee from a +brother Barrister, that is as long as the latter <i>stuck to the Ba-a-a!</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Very Appropriate.</span>—At Drury Lane, on Easter Monday, +will appear <i>The Bohemian Girl</i>, followed by the rivals in <i>Rustic +Chivalry</i>. Very flattering to the dear old <i>Bohemian Girl</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Treacherous Weather.</span>—Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> has had a bad cold. +He has been recommended, however, not to put on, but to put off, +his Ulster.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">End of the Cotton Strike.</span>—General rejoicings! All join +in a reel!</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/151.png"><img src="images/151-354.png" width="354" height="450" alt="BEHIND THE SCENES." /></a><h2>BEHIND THE SCENES.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Acting Manager H-rc-rt.</span> "WELL, SIR, I THINK WE MAY SAY THAT,—IN SPITE +OF THE ORGANISED +OPPOSITION IN THE HOUSE,—THE FIRST ACT HAS REALLY GONE VERY WELL!"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. G.</span> (<i>Author and Manager</i>). "H'M!—BUT THE <i>RISKY +SITUATION</i> COMES IN THE NEXT ACT!"</p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page152" id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + + + + +<h2>TO MOLLY—AN APRIL FOOL.</h2> + +<h3><i>By a Bachelor-in-Love</i> (<i>with Himself.</i>)</h3> + + +<div class="figright" style="width:350px;"><a href="images/153.png"><img src="images/153-305.png" width="305" height="450" alt="By a bachelor in live with himself." /></a></div> + + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You never, <span class="sc">Molly</span>, plucked the chances</p> +<p class="i2">Last Leap Year brought of wedded rapture,</p> +<p>(Since Flattery wins, where Beauty's glances</p> +<p class="i2">Have failed to perpetrate a capture)?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You never wrote to crave my fortune</p> +<p class="i2">That February! Bashful, may be,</p> +<p>Or over-fearful to importune</p> +<p class="i2">A <i>parti</i> so renowned, you gaby!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Imprudent damsel, to let slip</p> +<p class="i2">So much <i>insouciance</i> and money!</p> +<p>I bear no malice now, and dip</p> +<p class="i2">This goosequill not in gall, but honey,</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I supplicate thee to be mine,</p> +<p class="i2">Bewitching Fair, thy lode-star mocking:</p> +<p>To sweetest vengeance I incline.</p> +<p class="i2">(Great Scott! the sacrifice is shocking!)</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>With you to share a gem unique,</p> +<p class="i2">My best possession, foolish <span class="sc">Molly</span>,</p> +<p>This is the penalty I seek,</p> +<p class="i2">Dear fool of Spring, dear spring of Folly!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet, ere I give myself away,</p> +<p class="i2">And abdicate on foolscap flimsy,</p> +<p>Let me implore you, mark the day—</p> +<p class="i2">Time-honoured feast of prank and whimsy.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Of my pet self, I offer half—</p> +<p class="i2">To gain it myriads have endeavoured,</p> +<p>So take it, <i>take my photograph</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Inclosed, and most adroitly severed</i>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE TELEPHONIC LOVE-SONG.</h2> + + +<h4>["Lovemaking by telephone has now become +quite common."—<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</h4> + + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Love, are you there? Most patiently I've waited</p> +<p class="i2">To hear the answering tinkle on my bell;</p> +<p>Have then the central offices belated</p> +<p class="i2">Not switched me on as yet to thy hotel?</p> +<p>Or is—oh, bitter thought!—a rival hated</p> +<p class="i2">Addressing thee by telephone as well?</p> +<p>Love, are you there? Distracted I repine;</p> +<p>Oh, hear thy humble four-nought-seven-nine!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Never three-five-nine-six have I addressed,</p> +<p class="i2">The number registered for Mrs. <span class="sc">Jones</span>,</p> +<p>Nor for six-eight-two-one the button pressed</p> +<p class="i2">To woo Miss <span class="sc">Brown</span> in telephonic tones;</p> +<p>So grant, I pray, my moderate request,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor keep me waiting thus with aching bones,</p> +<p>My anxious ear pressed to the tube with care,</p> +<p>While vainly I re-echo, "Are you there?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The suitor in the happier days of old,</p> +<p class="i2">When he would woo his lady-love divine,</p> +<p>Beneath her window his affection told</p> +<p class="i2">In skilful verse and neatly-balanced line;</p> +<p>And even if he sometimes caught a cold,</p> +<p class="i2">His was a less prosaic way than mine;</p> +<p>Then they'd embrace—no doubt it was not proper,</p> +<p>But I can only kiss a plate of copper!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh come, my love, and speak to me again,</p> +<p class="i2">Say that you live for my unworthy sake,</p> +<p>And kindly make each syllable quite plain,</p> +<p class="i2">To guard against all subsequent mistake;</p> +<p>And soon may fortune re-unite us twain,</p> +<p class="i2">Communication never more to break!</p> +<p>Take up your tube in answer to my prayer;</p> +<p>Once more I speak my greeting—<i>Are you there?</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>GEE HO, GOSCHEN!</h2> + +<h4><i>Jokim</i> (<i>singing his Agricultooral-looralist lay</i>).</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"O Flaxen-headed Ploughman,</p> +<p class="i4">A whistling o'er the lee,</p> +<p>Oh, do not <i>you</i> know <i>how</i>, man,</p> +<p class="i4">I've ever lovèd thee!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>EASTER REGULATIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS.</h2> + +<p>1. Volunteers shall be expected to be up +by the dawn in the morning, be the weather +rain or shine, fog, or otherwise. They will +be marched for scores of miles all day long, +and, on their arrival at their destination, +shall consider themselves lucky if they find +the most primitive accommodation.</p> + +<p>2. Although they may be accompanied by +their officers, the Volunteer rank and file +will clearly understand that they are manœuvring +purely for the pleasure, if not +improvement, of a few warriors connected +with the Household troops.</p> + +<p>3. They shall undertake the necessary +duties at their own expense, and every detail +supplied by the War Office shall form the +matter of an angry altercation.</p> + +<p>4. The convenience of Volunteers shall be +ignored, so that the comforts of the Regular +officers attached to the Citizen Force, may be +secured at their expense.</p> + +<p>5. Volunteer officers will be prepared to +accept snubs and condescension with their +customary humility, and will not presume to +raise their voices in the presence of their superior +(in quality if not in rank) commanders.</p> + +<p>6. Volunteers of all ranks will work like +niggers for nothing, save the barren honour of +being told (subsequently in the public prints) +that they have merely done their duty.</p> + +<p>7. And, to conclude, Volunteers will be +expected to say that they have thoroughly +enjoyed their holiday, however difficult it +may be to feel it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AN ELIGIBLE <i>PARTI</i>.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I know a man who manhood's name profanes,—</p> +<p class="i2">Most Mayfair mothers own him rather wild;</p> +<p>But, since he has more sovereigns than brains,</p> +<p class="i2">Each tries to catch and tame him for her child.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He knows enough Arithmetic to keep</p> +<p class="i2">A Betting-book, and lose his little bets,</p> +<p>And though his sense of honour is not deep,</p> +<p class="i2">He always pays his "honourable" debts.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Some scores of trowsers own him as their Lord,</p> +<p class="i2">And endless ties and one unchanging sneer;</p> +<p>He owes his tailor what would lodge and board</p> +<p class="i2">And wash a brace of curates for a year.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>His wit is not so pointed as his boots,</p> +<p class="i2">Bright with the polish which his manners lack,</p> +<p>Nor yet so chaste as those astounding suits</p> +<p class="i2">Which deck his shrunken limbs and padded back.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>His stays are always, <i>he</i> is often, "tight,"</p> +<p class="i2">His collar, like his birth, is <i>sans reproche</i>;</p> +<p>He seldom does a thing because it's right,</p> +<p class="i2">But, on the other hand, is never <i>gauche</i>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Music Hall hath charms to soothe his breast,</p> +<p class="i2">But tries in vain to tinge his pallid cheek;</p> +<p>And yet the print he knows and loves the best,</p> +<p class="i2">Is that which duly blushes once a week.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He never dances since the law shut up</p> +<p class="i2">His native haunt, where he could really go it,</p> +<p>And romp the <i>pas-de-quatre</i>, and shout and sup—</p> +<p class="i2">(Of course the Mayfair mothers did not know it).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He never dances—but he goes about,</p> +<p class="i2">And you will always meet him "everywhere,"</p> +<p>And sometimes after supper he'll sit out</p> +<p class="i2">A dance or two, provided she is fair.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Some day he'll stoop to raise her to his throne,</p> +<p class="i2">Look tame and tired of wild oats—for a time;</p> +<p>And, when They reap the whirlwind he has sown,</p> +<p class="i2">We'll talk of his misfortune and her crime.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THOSE SILENT BOOTS.</h2> + +<h4><i>Burglar's Ballad.</i> <span class="sc">Air</span>—"<i>Those Evening Bells.</i>"</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Those Silent Boots! Those Silent Boots!</p> +<p>When out upon our gay galoots,</p> +<p>'Twill give us coves the bloomin' jumps,</p> +<p>If we carn't 'ear the Copper's clumps!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>'Ave Bobby's Bluchers passed away?</p> +<p>That there will bust the Burglar's lay!</p> +<p>Wot, <i>silent</i> "Slops"—like evening swells?</p> +<p>It's wus than them electric bells!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No, no! I 'opes, till <i>I</i> am gone,</p> +<p>The Bobby's Boots will still clump on.</p> +<p>Their warnin' sound our bizness soots,</p> +<p>But bust the thought o' <i>Silent</i> Boots!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Some Evill-minded Persons.</span>—At the +Royal Academy of Music the competition for +the Evill Prize took place last Friday, which, +to unsuccessful competitors was a day of Evill +omen. This is one of the rare instances +where "Out of Evill cometh good."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> + + + +<h2>"ART, HOW SHE IS LEARNED."</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>—<i>London. Time—any +day of the Week between +Show Sunday and Academy +Sunday. Present—two</i> Art +Critics <i>à la Mode</i>.</p> + +<p><i>First A. C.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). +Yes, met a crowd of people +last Sunday. Bad memory +myself, but hanged if I can +remember why I went out on +Sunday.</p> + +<p><i>Second A. C.</i> (<i>after consideration</i>). +And I too. I hate +going out on a Sunday as a +rule, but I went last week. +However, might have been +worse fun. Met <span class="sc">Peacock</span> +girls. Rather good form.</p> + +<p><i>First A. C.</i> Yes, Jolly. +Going to meet 'em next Sunday,—Mulberry +Road.</p> + +<p><i>Second A. C.</i> (<i>lighting a +cigarette</i>). I'm going to the +Mulberry Road too.</p> + +<p><i>First A. C.</i> (<i>also lighting a +cigarette</i>). But why?</p> + +<p><i>Second A. C.</i> (<i>after smoking +for two minutes in silence</i>). +Haven't the faintest idea! +Stay! Ah! (<i>Producing tiny +memorandum book.</i>) Here it +is, April 2nd—Mulberry Road—Academy +Pictures.</p> + +<p><i>First A. C.</i> (<i>with returning +intelligence</i>). Of course! Why, +that's what we went about. +To see the pictures!</p> + +<p><i>Second A. C.</i> (<i>with further +intelligence</i>). Yes. Going next +Sunday to Mulberry Road to +see the pictures again. Rather +fun, seeing pictures!</p> + +<p><i>First C.</i> (<i>after a long pause</i>). +Yes, rather.</p> + +<p>[<i>Scene closes in upon their commencing +to discuss some +other subject.</i></p> + +<br clear="all" /><hr /> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:450px;"><a href="images/154.png"><img src="images/154-319.png" width="319" height="450" alt="FORTUNE'S FOOL." /></a><h3>FORTUNE'S FOOL.</h3> +<p><span class="sc">"Well, if that don't beat heverythink, 'Aven't set up 'ere in +Business a Month, and they're goin' to Redrain the 'Ole Place!"</span></p></div> + +<hr /> + + +<h2>QUITE A CHIC CARGO!</h2> + +<p>A <span class="sc">GROUP</span> of "World's Women" +belonging to all races, +has set out from Southampton +in the steamship <i>Paris</i>, <i>en +route</i> to the World's Fair. +There are English damsels, +Scotch lassies, Tyrolese, Hungarian, +Parisian, Chinese, and +Japanese ladies. Instead of +being called "World's Women," +they ought, of course, +to go as "World's Fair-ies." +"Arrangements have been +made for bringing them back;" +but suppose they prefer to +stay? America is a free country; +Chicago is one of the +freest parts of it. So, after +their relative powers of fascinating +the American male +have been tested, their power +of becoming his relatives may +have to be counted with. Let +us hope they will be accommodated +with separate buildings +at the Exposition; or a "Lady's +Battle" may ensue, under +Queensberry Rules. European +<i>versus</i> Asiatic, or—say—Fräulein +<i>versus</i> Mademoiselle. +This would be a great +hit.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The most cursory eye it must surely strike,</p> +<p>That VOTE and VETO look much alike.</p> +<p>Yet rival ranters are straining throat,</p> +<p>To VOTE the VETO—<i>or</i> VETO the VOTE!</p> +<p>On a slight transposition thus hinges the quarrel</p> +<p>'Twixt the fierce fanatics of Pump and Barrel.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 20.</i>—"That's the best +speech <span class="sc">Harcourt</span> has made this Session," said <span class="sc">George Curzon</span>, as +we walked into Lobby to support Government against onslaught of +<span class="sc">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span>, who disapproves its Uganda policy.</p> + +<p>"Which speech?" I asked, eagerly, always anxious to learn. +<span class="sc">George Curzon</span> just back from far East; has sat astride the Wall +of China, and taken five-o'clock tea with the <span class="sc">Queen of Corea</span>. +<span class="sc">Ulysses</span>, with his twenty-years' tramp, not in it with him. "Which +speech?" I repeated. "The speech he didn't make just now in +reply to <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>," said <span class="sc">Curzon</span>, in that sententious tone, +and +with that grave manner he has learned among the Apaches of the +Ural Mountains.</p> + +<p>Wants thinking over, this; but is quite true. A great temptation +for the <span class="sc">Squire</span>; would have been irresistible at one time. +<span class="sc">Joseph</span> had +made a brilliant speech, scintillating with diamond dagger-points. +Yielding to the habit of heredity, he had been more than usually +disagreeable towards his Brethren. "The original <span class="sc">Joseph</span>," as the +<span class="sc">Squire</span> remarked, in a little aside, whilst the speech went on amid +uproarious delight of the Gentlemen of England, "had one soft place +in his resentful heart. But our <span class="sc">Joe</span> finds no <span class="sc">Benjamin</span> among +us—unless, +indeed, it be <span class="sc">Trevelyan</span>, and, I believe, if, after filling up +his sack, he had put in any extraneous substance, it would not +have been a cup of silver."</p> + +<p>Time was when the <span class="sc">Squire</span> would have jumped at this opportunity. +Benches crowded with jubilant gentlemen in dinner dress; excitement +of cheers and counter-cheers filled House. Few things +delight it more than encounter between these two brilliant swordsmen. +Only half-past eleven; Twelve-o'clock Rule suspended; plenty +of time for business by-and-by; half an hour's sport hurt nobody.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:410px;"><a href="images/156a.png"><img src="images/156a-403.png" width="403" height="450" alt="Mr. G. (sings sotto voco), 'How happy could I be'" /></a> +<p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>sings sotto voco</i>), "How happy could I be +with either!<br /> +<span style="float: right; margin-right: 6em;">Were only Uganda away!"</span></p></div> + +<p>When <span class="sc">Squire</span> rose, a ringing cheer went up from Ministerialists. +Their turn now. <span class="sc">Joe</span> was "going to catch it." But <span class="sc">Squire</span> knew +better than that. Opportunity tempting; almost irresistible. But +business first, pleasure after. With touching air of resignation, +<span class="sc">Squire</span> said they had listened to a very good speech, and now he +hoped the Vote would be agreed to; at which point he meekly sat +down. Shock so sudden and unexpected that no one but <span class="sc">Nolan</span> +moved, and he, finding himself on his legs, had no words ready. +Whilst he was gasping in search of them, Closure moved; Chairman, +who is getting well into the saddle, put question with lightning-like +rapidity; before Committee quite knew where it was, it was dividing +on the Uganda Vote.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Supplementary Estimates concluded; Report of +Supply agreed to; way cleared for Appropriation Bill.</p> + + +<p><i>Tuesday Night.</i>—<span class="sc">Henry Fowler</span> explained Parish Council Bill +in speech of equal force and lucidity. "Hands all round," as +<span class="sc">Tennyson</span> said, in applause of speech and approval of Bill. <span class="sc">Jesse +Collings</span> rather hinted that anything good in measure was conveyed +from <span class="sc">Ritchie's</span> Bill, and everyone knows that <span class="sc">Ritchie</span> was mere +lay-figure behind which <span class="sc">Jesse</span> controlled policy of Local Government +Board under last Administration. Even this criticism meant +as compliment. No harsher note disturbed chorus of approval.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jokim</span>, in effusion of moment, led into making interesting confession. +As he says, only he put it stronger, general impression is +that he is not particularly attached to Agricultural Labourer. <span class="sc">Bobby +Spencer</span>, when he made his historic declaration—"Mr. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, +Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer"—understood to have +<span class="sc">Jokim</span> in his mind; endeavouring to ingratiate himself with the +statesman who, at the time, was <span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span>. +<span class="sc">Jokim</span>, certainly, through long and honourable career, never lost +opportunity of hustling <span class="sc">Hodge</span>. Deductions drawn from this attitude +entirely erroneous. Only been dissembling his love. Made +clean breast of it to-day. Clasping his hands with genuine emotion, +tear plainly tickling through his voice, he exclaimed, "It has been +the dream of my life to educate +the Agricultural Labourer in +Parish affairs!"</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/155.png"><img src="images/155-600.png" width="600" height="451" alt="'CATCHING VOTES.'" /></a><h3>"CATCHING VOTES."</h3> + +<h4>(<i>Suggested by the Picture "Catching Flies."</i>)</h4></div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> + +<p>"Well, I must say, I never would +have thought it," said <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, +regarding with new interest his +Right Hon. friend.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Parish Councils +Bill brought in.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Pretty to watch Mr. +G. in conversation with Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> +on question of Vote of Censure. +When <span class="sc">Cameron</span>, "doing a bit +of bounce," as <span class="sc">Brodrick</span> said, asked +<span class="sc">Premier</span> whether, supposing Opposition +resolved to move Vote of +Censure, a day wouldn't be found +for them, Ministerialists cheered and +Opposition responded. House never +more like public school than when a +fight is being got up. Now spirit +rose to bubbling point; cheering and +counter-cheering incessant. Only +Mr. G. sat silent, apparently so +deeply interested in Orders that he +had not noticed what was forward. +But he saw it all, saw a foot or two +further into futurity than the jubilant +throng behind him. <span class="sc">Cameron</span> +had unwittingly dealt trump card +to Opposition avowedly bent on obstructing +Home-Rule Bill. Had a +pretty good go to-day. Two hours +for Questions; two hours more to be +used up on Motion for Adjournment. +That would serve to throw Registration +Bill over sitting and spoil Mr. +G.'s little programme. But this suggestion of Vote of Censure +coming from other side, worth at least couple of days. Mr. G. saw +it all, and once glanced quickly across table in search of sign that +anyone on Front Bench opposite had made the discovery. Thought +he saw a gleam of intelligence in <span class="sc">Grandolph's</span> eye. Hoped things +might blow over; but there was inconvenient questioner behind, with +Scotch persistency waiting answer. Ministerialists cheering like +mad; Opposition truculently responding; all waiting for him. +Must do or say something. Wouldn't commit himself by saying +anything. Half rose from seat and bowed assent.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/156b.png"><img src="images/156b-600.png" width="600" height="259" alt="POPPING THE QUESTIONS;" /></a><h3>POPPING THE QUESTIONS;</h3> + +<h4><i>Or, Scene from old Burlesque of "Obstruction" as revived at St. Stephen's +Theatre Royal.</i></h4></div> + +<p>By this time Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> began to see light. Some smart +fencing followed; Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> pressed home Vote of Censure +question; Mr. G., whilst carefully avoiding any movement that +might seem like retreat, evaded the point. Later, when <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> +remarked that <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> had challenged them to move Vote +of Censure, Mr. G. angrily retorted, "I did nothing of the sort." +Too late now; Right Hon. Gentlemen on Front Opposition Bench +having put their heads together, determined to ride in at gate +<span class="sc">Cameron</span> obligingly opened. Drew +up Motion of Vote of Censure, and +Mr. G. must needs, out of his diminishing +hoard of days, find one for +debating it; Opposition mean to +make it two, or even three.</p> + +<p>"I wish," said Mr. G., in those +chest-notes that indicate profounder +indignation, "my people would +leave me to manage the business of +House."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Four hours +wasted. Vote of Censure invited.</p> + +<p><i>Friday Midnight.</i>—Wonder to +find <span class="sc">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span> +still at post of duty. Business +rather heavy work; think it would +be well that so precious a life should +be cared for. Say this to him.</p> + +<p>"You're very kind, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," he +answered, just a little wearily +"but I never think of myself when +the interests of my <span class="sc">Queen</span> and +Country are at stake. Fact is, I +have charge of a Bill drafted in +the interests of our fellow-citizen +the Sweep. He has thrown himself +into my arms (of course I use +the phrase in a Parliamentary +sense) and I am resolved to do my +best for him. I am told that the +business which called the Judges +into private consultation the other +day was a proposal to place my +bust, crowned with laurel, on a +prominent pedestal in the Royal +Courts of Justice. Well, I have +done something in my time for justice; just now all my sympathies +are with the Sweep. I receive deputations of them every day. No, +they don't enter by the chimney, but come in by the front-door in +ordinary fashion. When there are more than five of them, and they +stay over twenty minutes, they leave a little smell lingering in the +room. But that's nothing. I'm waiting now to move Second +Reading of my Bill. Want Mr. G. to take it up. Have told him +people really don't care for Home-Rule Bill, whereas, if he gave his +mind to it, he might rouse the country on the question of the +harmless necessary Sweep. But no use. He's too deeply rooted +in his attachment to his Home-Rule scheme. Daresay I shall get +my Bill through first."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Patience of long-suffering <span class="sc">Speaker</span> breaks down +at last. <span class="sc">Jemmy Lowther</span> did it. On Appropriation Bill moved +incomprehensible Amendment, in unintelligble speech; <span class="sc">Speaker</span> +came down on him "like cartload of bricks," as <span class="sc">John Burns</span> put it. +<span class="sc">James</span> only temporarily subdued; will probably come up smiling +on Monday.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + +<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 5em;"> +<tr><td class="note"> +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +<p>Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +</td></tr></table> + + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 104, APRIL 1, 1893***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 22698-h.txt or 22698-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/9/22698</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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a/22698.txt b/22698.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd80296 --- /dev/null +++ b/22698.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1575 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +April 1, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 1, 1893 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 21, 2007 [eBook #22698] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 104, APRIL 1, 1893*** + + +E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22698-h.htm or 22698-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698/22698-h/22698-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698/22698-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 104 + +APRIL 1, 1893. + +edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + + + + + +[Illustration: MODEL FIGURES IN THE CRITERION TOY-SHOP.] + + * * * * * + +THE BUBBLE SHOP; OR, "ONLY HIS PLAY." + +How many deserving persons besides dramatic authors are looking about +for good situations, and are unable to find them! Mr. 'ENRY HAUTHOR +JONES was sufficiently fortunate to obtain a good dramatic situation +of tried strength, which, placed in the centre of novel and most +improbable (not to say impossible) surroundings, has, in the hands of +Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM and his highly trained company of illusionists, +achieved a remarkable success. + +Within the last few years there have been notorious cases associated +with the names of Members of Parliament, but as the House is a +Legislative Assembly and not an inquisitorial tribunal instituted +for the public investigation of private morality, no charge could be +brought in the House itself against any one of its Members until after +a Court of Law had pronounced its verdict, and, even then, a Member +of Parliament, convicted of a criminal offence, would not cease _ipso +facto_ to belong to the House until after a motion for his expulsion +had been carried. As _Fritz_ in _La Grande Duchesse_ expressed his +wish to become a schoolmaster, in order that he might obtain some +smattering of education, so an immoral M.P. (if any such there be) +would be the very one to stand sponsor for a Bill for the Better +Preservation of Public Morals, with a view to gaining that elementary +knowledge of morality in which his education had been defective. But +no one could have brought up some awkward case against him in the +course of a debate in the House. In the parliamentary proceedings +of Little Peddlington this might be done, but not in the House of +Commons, which, by a very polite but necessary fiction, is supposed +to be a House of Uncommons, far above the weaknesses of the ordinary +human nature of mere Constituents. + +_Mr. Stoach_ (capitally played by Mr. J. VALENTINE--but everybody +plays capitally in this piece) finds _Lord Clivebrooke_ (Mr. CHARLES +WYNDHAM--admirable also) between midnight and one in the morning alone +with charming _Jessie Keber_ (Miss MARY MOORE,--delightful!) in old +_Matthew Keber's_ toy-shop, _Keber_ himself (another very clever +impersonation by Mr. W. H. DAY) having gone out on the sly to get +drunk on money supplied him by the aforesaid unscrupulous _Stoach, +M.P._ So what would have to be said in the House should amount to +this:-- + +_Stoach._ What! the Leader of the House bring in this Purity Bill!! +Why I saw him myself with my own eyes in a toy-shop, all among the +toys, alone at one in the morning with an attractive young person of +the female persuasion. + +"Look at that now," says an Irish M.P., following the example of +_Shaun the Post_ in _The Colleen Bawn_, when the scoundrelly lawyer +brings a charge against the hero of the drama, "An' what might _you_ +be doin' about there at that same time?" + +Supposing, for an instant, the impossible, _Stoach_ would be called to +order, and be severely reprimanded by the SPEAKER. + +Had the much-heckled and long-suffering _Clivebrooke_ been gifted by +the Author with lively ready-wit, he would have replied to his +father and supporters, who invade his room, in the pleasantest and +Charliest-Wyndhamest manner, "Yes (_lightly and airily_). What could I +be doing in a toy-shop with a young lady? Why (_still more lightly +and airily_) of course I was '_toying with her!_'" Whereupon his old +father would have been immensely tickled, and the deputation, in fits +of laughter, would have rushed back to the lobby to report "the last +good thing said by that clever chap _Clivebrooke!_ So like him!" + +This Act would have ended with the triumph of ready-wit over +disappointed malignity. _Jessie Keber_ would have run in and embraced +her hero, the Bill would have been carried (_Cheers heard without_), +and all would have ended happily and pleasantly without any necessity +having arisen for another Act, either of Parliament or of the piece. + +"Yes," says this dramatist, "I admit the soft impeachment. I plead +guilty, with extenuating circumstances. _The play's the thing_; and if +the facts don't suit my play, so much the worse for the facts. Success +has been achieved, and what more can any living author want? Credit +and cash. _Voila tout!_ 'Credit' for my own original invention in +hitting upon the Parliamentary accessories to my picture; and 'cash,' +which will be paid as long as the public take an interest _in_ the +play, and just so long shall I take my interest _out_ of the public +money." + +To sum up in the words of the old-fashioned tag, "If our friends in +front are pleased, then Manager and Author are satisfied." But, if +objection be still taken to the unreality of the Parliamentary setting +of the picture, then "please remember," apologises 'ENRY HAUTHOR, +"that '_it's only my play_.'" + + * * * * * + +A Liberator Lay. + + Three little roguey-boys said to Conscience--"Pooh!" + Croydon made one its Mayor, and then there were two. + + Two little roguey-boys thought that Fraud was fun; + A Judge thought otherwise, and then there was one. + + One little roguey-boy took the Chiltern Hun- + dreds upon his road to Spain, and then there was none! + + * * * * * + +WALKING ROUND HIS SUBJECT.--In TAY PAY'S interesting review of _The +Life of Lord Aberdeen_, a Book of the Week in the _Sun_, there is a +delightful chord which shows that "the harp that once thro' Tara's +halls" still upon occasion twangs. "It is pleasant," says TAY PAY, +writing of Mr. GLADSTONE, "to be able to project ourselves backward to +the time, when the statesman we know as full of years and the idol of +millions, was the bashful, self-distrustful youth." Now, if next week +our young friend, whose sympathy with bashful, self-distrustful youth, +is instinctive, will manage to withdraw himself forward, he may be +said to have thoroughly reconnoitered his subject, an excellent thing +in a reviewer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS, F-WL-R AND +G-SCH-N.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ASSISTED EDUCATION. + +_Christabel._ "I SAY, JACK, HOW EVER DO YOU DEFINE THE EQUATOR?" + +_Jack_ (_who has been to the Circus_). "ISN'T IT A MENAGERIE LION THAT +GOES ROUND THE WORLD?" + +[_Jack has learnt about "the Imaginary Line," and got the answer a +little mixed._]] + + * * * * * + +THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS. + +_An Easter Eclogue._ + + _Chloe_ Miss HODGE + _Corydon_ H. H. F-WL-R + _Strephon_ J. G. G-SCH-N. + + _Corydon_ (_smirking_). I have found out a gift for _my_ fair, + Such as sugary SHENSTONE ne'er found! + _Strephon_ (_aside, sniffing_). His bowpot's made up, I declare, + Half of flowers he's filched from _my_ ground! + _Chloe_ (_pirouetting_). Oh la! What a lovely bokay! + That for _me!_ Oh, you're awfully kyind! + _Corydon_ (_ogling_). Ah! I've loved you this many a day! + _Strephon_ (_sighing_). And for years you've been first in my mind! + _Chloe_ (_aside_). My! Isn't it nice to be courted like this? + I believe I could buy 'em both up with a kiss! + + _Corydon_ (_gloating_). Love, you dance just as PERDITA danced! + You must be a Princess in disguise. + _Strephon_ (_aside_). And not long since he swore that she pranced + Likes a clown who contends for a prize. + _Chloe_ (_bridling_). _Me_ a Princess? Oh la! that's your fun. + You know that my feyther was HODGE! + _Strephon_ (_aside_). Of course; but, providing she's won, + He'll descend to the paltriest dodge. + _Corydon_ (_effusively_). + You're the Pride of the Village, and fashioned to rule + In the Cottage, the Council, the Church, and the School! + + _Chloe_ (_coyly_). You're a flattering of me, young man! + _Corydon_ (_ardently_). If I am, maay I forfeit your--Vote! + _Chloe._ Well, of course, I will do what I can, + As the Parish-princess, to promote + The--what is it you want me to do? + Yes, the Poor--and the Ditches--and Drains, + The Rates--I do hope _they_'ll be few! + The Allotments--I trust they'll be gains! + But the Squire and the Parson? Oh! CORYDON mine, + When _they_ hear what you've done, _won't_ they kick up a shine? + + _Corydon_ (_brusquely_). Oh! the Squire and the Parson be--blowed! + All too long they've been cocks o' the walk. + _Strephon_ (_eagerly_). Quite right! How this buzzum has glowed + Your twin tyrants to baffle and baulk! + _Corydon_ (_contemptuously_). You've dissembled your--hate for them well, + Master STREPHON! It never leaked out + Till _we_ made PATIENT GRIZZEL a _belle!_ + _Now_ you'd like to cut in, I've no doubt. + _Chloe_ (_coquettishly_). La sakes! do not quarrel! + You're both very kyind, + But--I fancy dear CORYDON'S most to my mind. + + [_Beams on him, and accepts the Bouquet._ + + _Strephon_ (_suppressing himself_). Well, well, 'tis the fortune of war! + As it's holiday season, let's sing, + Should Shepherds at Eastertide jar? + Suave SHENSTONE would scout such a thing. + I wish you and CORYDON luck-- + The posy he's plucked you looks fine; + Though I must say my fancy it struck, + It was not wholly new--in design. + However, dear CHLOE, you're sweet; 'tis fair weather; + So, CORYDON, let's sing her praises--together-- + + _They sing_:-- + + Her charms--since she possessed the Vote-- + Are things on which the swains all dote. + Fearing to flout or slight. + She dances, having now her way, + No bygone Easter holiday + E'er saw so fine a sight! + + Our village _Belle_ with _anyone_ + Dares now to make comparison. + Fair nymph, this Easter fun done, + With proudest County Toast, though fair, + You may compete or charms compare + With the haughtiest "Pride of London!" + + * * * * * + +ASTOUNDING REPORT.--There is no foundation whatever for the report +of the resignation of Lord HERSCHELL. It probably arose from some +incautious and slangy person speaking of him in his office of LORD +CHANCELLOR as having "got the sack." Obviously the Wool-sack was +intended. + + * * * * * + +A GENUINE PHILANTHROPIST. + + O PASSMORE EDWARDS, you, beyond contention, + Are worthy _Punch's_ "Honourable Mention." + Whenever there be any boons a-brewing + You're very sure, Sir, to be up and doing! + There's scarce a project schemed with kindly sense, + But profits by your large munificence. + _Punch_ won't forget to pray when passing bedwards, + For you--and for more bricks like PASSMORE EDWARDS! + + * * * * * + +ON THE SECOND READING OF THE HOME-RULE BILL. + +(_By a Rebellious Rad._) + + BUTCHERED--to make an Easter Holiday, + For Orangemen who yearn to have their say! + They've got political _delirium tremens_. + _Orange?_ Nay, they're sour as unripe lemons! + + * * * * * + +THE REAL "SPIRITUAL" (OR SHALL WE SAY SPIRITUOUS?) NEEDS OF +LONDON.--Strict Supervision of Gin Palaces, and a rigid enforcement of +the Adulteration Acts. (_Licensing Authorities, Excise Officers, and +Policemen, please take Notice!_) + + * * * * * + +A TIP IN TIME. + + Country Vestrydom's called, by its new-fangled rival, + (The smart "Parish Council") "decrepit survival." + P. C., be not hard on the old form thou twittest! + Thou yet hast to prove _thy_ "Survival" the "fittest." + + * * * * * + +AT THE CONFECTIONER'S. + +(_A Sketch on Saturday Afternoon._) + +SCENE.--_A Confectioner's Shop in a fashionable West-End thoroughfare. +Close to the window is a counter, with the usual urns and +appurtenances, laden with an assortment of richly decorated pastry, +and presided over by an alert and short-tempered_ Manageress. _The +little tables are close together, and crowded with_ Customers, _the +majority of whom are ladies. A couple of over-worked_ Waitresses _are +endeavouring, with but indifferent success, to satisfy everybody at +once._ + +_Cries from Customers._ Yes, two teas and _one_ roll and butter--no, I +mean, one roll and butter and _two_ teas! "_Have I ordered?_" Why, the +last time you said it was coming directly! Isn't that chocolate ready +_yet?_ We shall _never_ catch our train! I say, Waitress, I ordered +coffee and cakes a quarter of an hour ago, and all we've got yet is +two empty cups and a bowl of sugar! _Do_ make haste with that tea! +I didn't say a _cup_ of tea--I said a _pot_ of tea, as plain as----! +(&c., &c.) + +_Duet of Waitresses._ Yes, Sir, attend to you in one moment. Are +_you_ the cup of tea, Madam? Oh, I'll bring you a fork for your pastry +directly. There'll be some milk coming in a minute, Sir. Bread and +butter? No, Sir, you can have a _roll_ and butter, or cakes, if you +prefer them. Excuse me, Madam, when I've done attending to _this_ +lady. No, Sir; it was the other young lady who took your order--not +me. _Would_ you mind letting me have the milk-jug, if you've finished +with it, Madam? We're rather short of them. I'll _see_ if I can get +you a teaspoon, Sir. (&c., &c.) + +_The Manageress_ (_all in one breath, without any stops_). Now then +Miss SIMPSON don't you see these cups standing here ready to be taken +and there's that Gentleman in the corner waiting to be attended to and +tell Mrs. BINKS we shall want more milk and there put out those +fancy cakes do two chocolates Miss JONES well you can't have them +yet because I've used all the hot water what does the girl want next +butter it's no use coming _to me_ for butter here take those cups to +be washed up will you you leave me to look after everythink myself and +customers leaving because they can't get served I declare I never saw +such girls as you are in all my born days! + +_A Man from the Lyceum._ I'm not sure, after all, that IRVING'S finest +moment wasn't in that last scene. I mean, when _Fitzurse_ and those +fellows came in, and he---- + +_First Lady_ (_at adjoining table--from the Aquarium Theatre_). Sat up +on his _dear_ tail, and struck out with those long hind legs of his, +_sweet_ thing; he took such an _interest_ in it all, didn't he? + +_Second Lady_ (_on opposite side of table--who has been to +"Hypatia"_). Oh, and didn't she look _distractingly_ lovely just after +she had finished lecturing; _you_ know, when she---- + +_Third L._ (_close by, fresh from "Charley's Aunt"_). Stepped out of +the gown, and walked about in the old Lady's cap and false front! I +quite _cried_ with laughing! + +_Second L._ I liked the Proconsul--dear me, what _was_ his name? +So _stupid_ of me--but it doesn't matter! I thought he looked so +perfectly Byzantine when he came in with his lictors in the litter---- + +_Third L._ And played the piano so _beautifully!_ + +_Second Hypatian L._ And didn't you think TREE was very good?--that +part where he found out about his daughter, and stood towering over +her with a knife in his hand, and---- + +_Third L._ That enormous cigar stuck in his mouth--he was simply too +_killing!_ [_And so on._ + +_Miss Camille Leon_ (_by voiceless motion of her lips, and expressive +pantomime, for the guidance of her fiance_, Mr. FRED FORRIDGE, _who +has gone to the counter to select dainties for her refection_). No, +not _those_--in the _next_ dish--with chocolate outside ... no the +_long_ ones--_oh_, how stupid you are! Yes, if those are preserved +cherries on the iced sugar. Very well, the _pink_ one, then--that will +do. + +_Mr. Forridge_ (_returning with a loaded plate_). I hope I've got what +you wanted? + +_Miss C. L._ _Just_ what I like--_how_ clever of you! (_She helps +herself, after dainty deliberation._) Quite delicious! Aren't you +going to have any yourself? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_engaged in exploring his left-hand pocket +surreptitiously, with a troubled expression_). Oh, thanks--presently, +perhaps. (_To himself._) I must have more than that _somewhere!_ + +[Illustration: "I must have more than that _somewhere!_"] + +_Miss C. L._ (_gaily_). I advise you to make haste--or there'll be +none left. They're too seductive for words. [_She chooses another._ + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). It _is_ one-and-sixpence. Fool I was to +go and forget my sovereign-purse! However--(_hopefully_), two +cups of tea at fourpence--eightpence; say three cakes at +twopence--one-and-twopence--oh, I shall manage it easily, and leave a +margin! (_Aloud._) I think I won't have anything to eat--not _hungry_, +don't you know. + +_Miss C. L._ No more am _I!_ (_She takes a third cake._) This has got +cream inside--aren't you tempted? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself._) Only fourpence to the good now--mustn't +risk it! (_Aloud._) Couldn't indeed--spoil my appetite for dinner. + +_Miss C. L._ (_with superiority_). Oh, I never _have_ any appetite +for dinner. I loathe the very sight of food, somehow! But I do _wish_ +you'd eat something--it's so _piggish_ of you not to--_really_ it is! +You must take just this weeny little one--to please Me! (_She places +it on his plate._) Now you _can't_ say no! + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). She is the _dearest_ darling! (_Aloud._) +I'd do anything in the world to please you, CAMILLE! (_To himself._) +After all, there's still _twopence!_ + +_Miss C. L._ Good boy! (_As he eats._) Well, is it a success? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_munching_). It isn't bad--got Marchpane, or something of +the kind on it. + +_Miss C. L._ How nice! I adore Marchpane! You may go and get me one +just like it, if you're _very_ good. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself, as he obeys her behest_). That cleans me +out! Thank goodness, no gratuities are allowed here, or else--and this +_must_ be the last--she's had three already! If I'd only had another +sixpence, I shouldn't care, but this is running it devilish close! +(_Aloud, as he returns._) This is the nearest I could get. + +_Miss C. L._ Thanks, ever so much. Awfully nice tea this is. +(_Suggestively._) They might give one bigger cups, though! + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself, with pathos_). I'd give my life for her, +cheerfully--and I've got to deny her a second cup of tea! But hang +it, I _must_. I can't ask her to lend me fourpence to pay the bill! +(_Aloud._) It's--er--just as well they don't. My sisters have +sworn off afternoon tea altogether; some medical Johnny told them +it--er--had a tendency to make the nose red! + +_Miss C. L._ (_to herself_). FRED'S _sisters!_ Very likely! (_Aloud, +coldly._) If you think there is any danger of that in _my_ case, of +course I won't risk another cup. + +_Mr. Forr._ Oh--er--well, you never _know_, don't you know. +I--er--_wouldn't_. (_To himself._) Narrow shave that, by Jove! + +_Miss C. L._ I think we'd better take a cab back, don't you? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_horrified_). M--much jollier walking. Streets as dry as +a bone! + +_Miss C. L._ But I want to get home and arrange the table for dinner +to-night. Mother always likes me to do the flowers. + +_Mr. Forr._ Lots of time for that You c--can't judge of the effect +till it's dark, _can_ you? And it will be light for hours to come. + +_Miss C. L._ Yes, that's true. Then suppose we go and see the +BURNE-JONESES, now we're so near? They don't close till six. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). It _would_ have been jolly; but, +half-a-crown, when I can't even run to a _catalogue!_ No! (_Aloud._) +It--it's getting so dark--can't do 'em justice by artificial light, do +you think? And--well, to tell you the honest truth, CAMILLE, after the +Old Masters, you know--I--I don't feel--and I _have_ seen them, you +know! + +_Miss C. L._ (_pouting_). I thought you might have cared to see them +again--with Me--but it doesn't in the least matter ... FRED, I don't +care about this cake you got me--it's dull. I think I shall leave it, +and try one of these white-and-green ones instead. [_She does._ + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself--with a beaded brow_). Broke! And for an +extra twopence! As likely as not, she hasn't even got her purse with +her. And she'll think I'm so beastly mean! Why on earth didn't I let +her go to the Aerated Bread-shop, as she wanted? It would have been +all right then! + +_Miss C. L._ I'm afraid you're rather bored, FRED--you don't seem to +be enjoying yourself quite; _do_ you? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_in agony_). Oh, I _am_--I'm all right, CAMILLE, only +I--I'm always like this after the Old Masters, you know. + +_Miss C. L._ So sorry I made you bring me--don't you think we had +better pay, and go home? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). Now for it! (_He pulls himself together._) +W--waitress, w--what have I to pay, please? + +_Waitress._ Two teas, eightpence; one, two--_six_ cakes you've had, I +think, Sir? One-and-eightpence altogether. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_with a gasp_). Oh! (_He fetches up two coins abjectly +from his pocket_). I--I'm sorry to say that I--I've o--only one +shilling and (_with a start of intense relief_) half-a-sovereign, +so (_with recovered dignity_) I'm afraid I must ask you to give +me change. (_To_ Miss C. L.) I--I was only joking about the +BURNE-JONESES, darling, I'd like to see them _awfully_--with you. And +we can walk home through the Park, or take a cab afterwards, just as +_you_ feel about it. _Do_ say you'll come! + +[Miss LEON _graciously consents, and_ Mr. FORRIDGE _follows her out of +the shop with restored equanimity, as Scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--The Dowager Lady CRUMBIE dined out one +night last week, when the dinner was so cold that her Ladyship caught +a severe chill, and next day the Cook caught it uncommonly hot. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS.--M. WORTH, of Paris, says of the costumes of The +No-Connection "BRADLEY & CO," "You must take them for what they +are----WORTH." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROTHERLY LECTURE. + +"WHAT! _ANOTHER_ SCRAPE! WHAT AN ASS YOU MUST BE, ALWAYS GETTING INTO +SCRAPES WITH WOMEN! WHY _DO_ YOU? _I_ NEVER GET INTO SCRAPES WITH +WOMEN! NEVER GOT INTO A SCRAPE WITH A WOMAN IN MY LIFE!"] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE BOAT-RACE. + +Well, as I've often said afore, and shall most probberly live to say +it again, there ain't no acounting for taste, speshally among the +hupper classes. Take last Wensday as a xampel. Here's a lot of about +twenty of the most heminent Swells in our most heminent Huniwersitys, +where they goes, as we all on us knows, to learn how to tork Greek, +which they finds so wunderful useful when they growes up. Well, they +has the hole year to choose from, save and xcept Sundays, and I'm +jiggered, as I herd a real Gent say, if they don't go and select a day +as goes and begins with a hawful heasterly wind, and a contemptible +shower of rain, just enuff to make thowsands of our most loveliest +Ladys at wunce risolve not to wenter out ewen to see such a site +as two boats full of hansum young gennelmen, all drestin flannel, a +pulling of them two boats a matter of four miles! And yet I'm told as +there's a learned Gent as publishes a little book as tells you what +the whether will be ewery day in the year, and he's werry offen rite. + +However, it all turned out rite at larst, and we had a nice sunny day, +tho' why they kep us all a waiting till arf-past fore o'clock I'm sure +I don't kno, when there was thowsends of us waiting afore two. Another +little misstery is, why they want no less than hayteen strong-looking +gents to pull too little Botes along, sixteen on 'em a pulling with +their skulls, and two on 'em a pulling with too little ropes apeace, I +have never bin able to make out. + +I was told as it was a lovely race, tho it seemed werry much as usual +to me. One of the botes got a little in front of the other, and so got +in fust, and that was all. But, sumhow, I don't quite think as that +is all as so many thowsands goes out for. For instance, now, in the +butiful ship as I was perfeshnally engaged in, we laid out a lovely +lunshun with evry luckshury of the season, and all kinds of wine, at +about 2 o'clock, and then, as we picked up our swell passengers at +the warious peers, our Managing Gent says to them, says he, "If you +please, Gents, lunch is laid out in the cabin, and will be continually +laid out all day, so you can act accordin." And so they did! and that +cabin was jest about comfertably occepied all day long, except for +about ten minutes jest as the Botes was a cummin by. Ah! that's my +highdeal of spending an appy day, and a pitty it is as it ony comes +wunce a year! + +BROWN, who was along with me, tried werry Hard to gammon me to bleeve +as none of the pullers in the fust boat got nothink for winning, and +that none of the pullers in the larst boat paid nothink for loosing! +But I wasn't quite such a born fool as to beleeve that rubbish. I +had jest the same good larf as usual in seeing how hard the three big +steam-boats, as started jest after the racing-boats, tried their werry +hardest to catch 'em up, but coudn't do it till they was past the +winning post! And the best of the fun was, as they painted two of 'em +Oxford and Cambridge, to make all poor greenhorns beleeve as they was +the reel racing-boats, and the other was a going fust jest to show +'em the way. Lor, how heasy it is to gammon sum poor fellers! Like all +trew waiters, hating any think at all like waste, me and BROWN, and +the other two of us, seed all our Company hoff, and then we quietly +took our seats, and I bleeves as I can truly say, that, neether in the +eatable line, or the drinkable line, was there any waste in that there +bootiful Steamer that there appy day. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +FROM MR. J. L. T**LE.--It is not true that _Die Walkuere_, about to be +produced at the Grand Opera, in Paris, is either an adaptation, or a +translation, of _Walker--London_. It's WAGNER, not WALKER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WAY TO GET ON. + +_Fair Amateur Palmist (who has kissed the Blarney Stone)._ "I'M SORRY +TO SAY, DEAR LADY CROESUS, THAT YOU WILL HAVE A SERIOUS ILLNESS AT +FORTY!"] + + * * * * * + +A DELICATE QUESTION. + +[In the pages of the _Author_ Mr. BESANT suggests, that "the Society +of Authors should undertake the examination of journalists."] + + O zealous Mr. BESANT, we have heard with consternation + Of this, the latest project of your ever-busy band; + Each journalist, apparently, must pass examination, + Lest any deal with matters which he does not understand. + + You're horrified to notice at performances dramatic + A row of so-called critics, knowing nothing of the play; + You mean to make essential an acquaintance with the Attic, + In all allowed to comment on the drama of to-day. + + With ample stock of history and other knowledge, clearly, + The man who writes on politics must show himself supplied, + The taste of all reviewers will be criticised severely, + The Sporting Sage must qualify in papers on _Ruff's Guide_. + + No doubt your plan is laudable, but then we find it printed + That novelists to manage all the scheme will be allowed, + And since they love reviewers not, it may, perhaps, be hinted, + That every man alive of us is certain to be ploughed! + + Moreover, on reflection, quite excusably one fancies + That, if so great advantage in the system you discern, + Its use should be extended to the weavers of romances, + And you and other novelists should suffer in your turn! + + And so, if we may venture on a practical suggestion, + Assuming that your postulate's indubitably true, + And all should be examined--there must yet remain the question, + _Custodes quis custodiet?_--For who'll examine _you?_ + + * * * * * + +WINES OR MINES?--Mrs. R. has on several occasions heard gentlemen +talking of "passing the Rubicon," and she wants to know whether this +is a Bill in Parliament about the Ruby Mines, or whether it is a +modern expression for what was many years ago, as she was informed by +her grandfather, a slang after-dinner phrase--"Pass the Ruby," _i.e._, +the wine? + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE RECESS. + +_The Pr-m-r._ To rest and sample (under the personal supervision of +Mrs. G.) Home Rule. + +_The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry._ To forget the speeches he had prepared for +Loyal Ulster. + +_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt._ To practise Local Option in the New Forest. + +_Lord R-s-b-ry._ To make up his mind about Uganda. + +_Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll._ To follow where he once led. + +_Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r._ To lead where he once followed. + +_The Duke of D-v-nsh-re._ To acquire a taste for "another place." + +_Sir A-g-st-s Dr-l-n-s._ To grapple with the Opera difficulty. + +_Mr. H-nry Irv-ng._ To run along with _Becket._ + +_Miss Ell-n T-rry._ To continue the same movement. + +_Mr. J. L. T-le._ To prepare to take _Walker--London_ to "Castle, +Windsor." + + * * * * * + +LEGAL QUERY ANSWERED SATISFACTORILY.--In an Article on the Lecture +on Cross-examination by Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., a _D. T._ Leader +reminded its readers of the scene in _The Village Lawyer_, where +Defendant is instructed by his Counsel to answer every question by +simply saying, in an imbecile manner, "Ba-a-a!" Subsequently, on +aforesaid Counsel asking for his fee, his client replied, "Ba-a-a!" +"What," asks the _D. T._, "would Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., do +with such a witness in cross-examination?" Why, 'tis evident that such +a case would not arise, as professional etiquette would prevent one +Barrister from taking a fee from a brother Barrister, that is as long +as the latter _stuck to the Ba-a-a!_ + + * * * * * + +VERY APPROPRIATE.--At Drury Lane, on Easter Monday, will appear _The +Bohemian Girl_, followed by the rivals in _Rustic Chivalry_. Very +flattering to the dear old _Bohemian Girl_. + + * * * * * + +TREACHEROUS WEATHER.--Lord SALISBURY has had a bad cold. He has been +recommended, however, not to put on, but to put off, his Ulster. + + * * * * * + +END OF THE COTTON STRIKE.--General rejoicings! All join in a reel! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES.] + +ACTING MANAGER H-RC-RT. "WELL, SIR, I THINK WE MAY SAY THAT,--IN +SPITE OF THE ORGANISED OPPOSITION IN THE HOUSE,--THE FIRST ACT HAS +REALLY GONE VERY WELL!" + +MR. G. (_Author and Manager_). "H'M!--BUT THE _RISKY SITUATION_ COMES +IN THE NEXT ACT!" + + * * * * * + +TO MOLLY--AN APRIL FOOL. + +_By a Bachelor-in-Love_ (_with Himself._) + + +[Illustration] + + + You never, MOLLY, plucked the chances + Last Leap Year brought of wedded rapture, + (Since Flattery wins, where Beauty's glances + Have failed to perpetrate a capture)? + + You never wrote to crave my fortune + That February! Bashful, may be, + Or over-fearful to importune + A _parti_ so renowned, you gaby! + + Imprudent damsel, to let slip + So much _insouciance_ and money! + I bear no malice now, and dip + This goosequill not in gall, but honey, + + I supplicate thee to be mine, + Bewitching Fair, thy lode-star mocking: + To sweetest vengeance I incline. + (Great Scott! the sacrifice is shocking!) + + With you to share a gem unique, + My best possession, foolish MOLLY, + This is the penalty I seek, + Dear fool of Spring, dear spring of Folly! + + Yet, ere I give myself away, + And abdicate on foolscap flimsy, + Let me implore you, mark the day-- + Time-honoured feast of prank and whimsy. + + Of my pet self, I offer half-- + To gain it myriads have endeavoured, + So take it, _take my photograph + Inclosed, and most adroitly severed_. + + * * * * * + +THE TELEPHONIC LOVE-SONG. + + ["Lovemaking by telephone has now become quite + common."--_Daily Paper._] + + Love, are you there? Most patiently I've waited + To hear the answering tinkle on my bell; + Have then the central offices belated + Not switched me on as yet to thy hotel? + Or is--oh, bitter thought!--a rival hated + Addressing thee by telephone as well? + Love, are you there? Distracted I repine; + Oh, hear thy humble four-nought-seven-nine! + + Never three-five-nine-six have I addressed, + The number registered for Mrs. JONES, + Nor for six-eight-two-one the button pressed + To woo Miss BROWN in telephonic tones; + So grant, I pray, my moderate request, + Nor keep me waiting thus with aching bones, + My anxious ear pressed to the tube with care, + While vainly I re-echo, "Are you there?" + + The suitor in the happier days of old, + When he would woo his lady-love divine, + Beneath her window his affection told + In skilful verse and neatly-balanced line; + And even if he sometimes caught a cold, + His was a less prosaic way than mine; + Then they'd embrace--no doubt it was not proper, + But I can only kiss a plate of copper! + + Oh come, my love, and speak to me again, + Say that you live for my unworthy sake, + And kindly make each syllable quite plain, + To guard against all subsequent mistake; + And soon may fortune re-unite us twain, + Communication never more to break! + Take up your tube in answer to my prayer; + Once more I speak my greeting--_Are you there?_ + + * * * * * + +GEE HO, GOSCHEN! + +_Jokim_ (_singing his Agricultooral-looralist lay_). + + "O Flaxen-headed Ploughman, + A whistling o'er the lee, + Oh, do not _you_ know _how_, man, + I've ever loved thee!" + + * * * * * + +EASTER REGULATIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS. + +1. Volunteers shall be expected to be up by the dawn in the morning, +be the weather rain or shine, fog, or otherwise. They will be marched +for scores of miles all day long, and, on their arrival at their +destination, shall consider themselves lucky if they find the most +primitive accommodation. + +2. Although they may be accompanied by their officers, the Volunteer +rank and file will clearly understand that they are manoeuvring +purely for the pleasure, if not improvement, of a few warriors +connected with the Household troops. + +3. They shall undertake the necessary duties at their own expense, and +every detail supplied by the War Office shall form the matter of an +angry altercation. + +4. The convenience of Volunteers shall be ignored, so that the +comforts of the Regular officers attached to the Citizen Force, may be +secured at their expense. + +5. Volunteer officers will be prepared to accept snubs and +condescension with their customary humility, and will not presume to +raise their voices in the presence of their superior (in quality if +not in rank) commanders. + +6. Volunteers of all ranks will work like niggers for nothing, save +the barren honour of being told (subsequently in the public prints) +that they have merely done their duty. + +7. And, to conclude, Volunteers will be expected to say that they have +thoroughly enjoyed their holiday, however difficult it may be to feel +it. + + * * * * * + +AN ELIGIBLE _PARTI_. + + I know a man who manhood's name profanes,-- + Most Mayfair mothers own him rather wild; + But, since he has more sovereigns than brains, + Each tries to catch and tame him for her child. + + He knows enough Arithmetic to keep + A Betting-book, and lose his little bets, + And though his sense of honour is not deep, + He always pays his "honourable" debts. + + Some scores of trowsers own him as their Lord, + And endless ties and one unchanging sneer; + He owes his tailor what would lodge and board + And wash a brace of curates for a year. + + His wit is not so pointed as his boots, + Bright with the polish which his manners lack, + Nor yet so chaste as those astounding suits + Which deck his shrunken limbs and padded back. + + His stays are always, _he_ is often, "tight," + His collar, like his birth, is _sans reproche_; + He seldom does a thing because it's right, + But, on the other hand, is never _gauche_. + + The Music Hall hath charms to soothe his breast, + But tries in vain to tinge his pallid cheek; + And yet the print he knows and loves the best, + Is that which duly blushes once a week. + + He never dances since the law shut up + His native haunt, where he could really go it, + And romp the _pas-de-quatre_, and shout and sup-- + (Of course the Mayfair mothers did not know it). + + He never dances--but he goes about, + And you will always meet him "everywhere," + And sometimes after supper he'll sit out + A dance or two, provided she is fair. + + Some day he'll stoop to raise her to his throne, + Look tame and tired of wild oats--for a time; + And, when They reap the whirlwind he has sown, + We'll talk of his misfortune and her crime. + + * * * * * + +THOSE SILENT BOOTS. + +_Burglar's Ballad._ AIR--"_Those Evening Bells._" + + Those Silent Boots! Those Silent Boots! + When out upon our gay galoots, + 'Twill give us coves the bloomin' jumps, + If we carn't 'ear the Copper's clumps! + + 'Ave Bobby's Bluchers passed away? + That there will bust the Burglar's lay! + Wot, _silent_ "Slops"--like evening swells? + It's wus than them electric bells! + + No, no! I 'opes, till _I_ am gone, + The Bobby's Boots will still clump on. + Their warnin' sound our bizness soots, + But bust the thought o' _Silent_ Boots! + + * * * * * + +SOME EVILL-MINDED PERSONS.--At the Royal Academy of Music the +competition for the Evill Prize took place last Friday, which, to +unsuccessful competitors was a day of Evill omen. This is one of the +rare instances where "Out of Evill cometh good." + + * * * * * + +"ART, HOW SHE IS LEARNED." + +SCENE--_London. Time--any day of the Week between Show Sunday and +Academy Sunday. Present--two_ Art Critics _a la Mode_. + +_First A. C._ (_after a pause_). Yes, met a crowd of people last +Sunday. Bad memory myself, but hanged if I can remember why I went out +on Sunday. + +_Second A. C._ (_after consideration_). And I too. I hate going out +on a Sunday as a rule, but I went last week. However, might have been +worse fun. Met PEACOCK girls. Rather good form. + +_First A. C._ Yes, Jolly. Going to meet 'em next Sunday,--Mulberry +Road. + +_Second A. C._ (_lighting a cigarette_). I'm going to the Mulberry +Road too. + +_First A. C._ (_also lighting a cigarette_). But why? + +_Second A. C._ (_after smoking for two minutes in silence_). Haven't +the faintest idea! Stay! Ah! (_Producing tiny memorandum book._) Here +it is, April 2nd--Mulberry Road--Academy Pictures. + +_First A. C._ (_with returning intelligence_). Of course! Why, that's +what we went about. To see the pictures! + +_Second A. C._ (_with further intelligence_). Yes. Going next Sunday +to Mulberry Road to see the pictures again. Rather fun, seeing +pictures! + +_First C._ (_after a long pause_). Yes, rather. + +[_Scene closes in upon their commencing to discuss some other +subject._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORTUNE'S FOOL. + +"WELL, IF THAT DON'T BEAT HEVERYTHINK, 'AVEN'T SET UP 'ERE IN BUSINESS +A MONTH, AND THEY'RE GOIN' TO REDRAIN THE 'OLE PLACE!"] + + * * * * * + +QUITE A CHIC CARGO! + +A GROUP of "World's Women" belonging to all races, has set out from +Southampton in the steamship _Paris_, _en route_ to the World's Fair. +There are English damsels, Scotch lassies, Tyrolese, Hungarian, +Parisian, Chinese, and Japanese ladies. Instead of being called +"World's Women," they ought, of course, to go as "World's Fair-ies." +"Arrangements have been made for bringing them back;" but suppose +they prefer to stay? America is a free country; Chicago is one of the +freest parts of it. So, after their relative powers of fascinating the +American male have been tested, their power of becoming his relatives +may have to be counted with. Let us hope they will be accommodated +with separate buildings at the Exposition; or a "Lady's Battle" +may ensue, under Queensberry Rules. European _versus_ Asiatic, +or--say--Fraeulein _versus_ Mademoiselle. This would be a great hit. + + * * * * * + +TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE. + + The most cursory eye it must surely strike, + That VOTE and VETO look much alike. + Yet rival ranters are straining throat, + To VOTE the VETO--_or_ VETO the VOTE! + On a slight transposition thus hinges the quarrel + 'Twixt the fierce fanatics of Pump and Barrel. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 20._--"That's the best speech +HARCOURT has made this Session," said GEORGE CURZON, as we walked into +Lobby to support Government against onslaught of SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S +GATE, who disapproves its Uganda policy. + +"Which speech?" I asked, eagerly, always anxious to learn. GEORGE +CURZON just back from far East; has sat astride the Wall of China, +and taken five-o'clock tea with the QUEEN OF COREA. ULYSSES, with his +twenty-years' tramp, not in it with him. "Which speech?" I repeated. +"The speech he didn't make just now in reply to CHAMBERLAIN," said +CURZON, in that sententious tone, and with that grave manner he has +learned among the Apaches of the Ural Mountains. + +Wants thinking over, this; but is quite true. A great temptation for +the SQUIRE; would have been irresistible at one time. JOSEPH had made +a brilliant speech, scintillating with diamond dagger-points. Yielding +to the habit of heredity, he had been more than usually disagreeable +towards his Brethren. "The original JOSEPH," as the SQUIRE remarked, +in a little aside, whilst the speech went on amid uproarious delight +of the Gentlemen of England, "had one soft place in his resentful +heart. But our JOE finds no BENJAMIN among us--unless, indeed, it be +TREVELYAN, and, I believe, if, after filling up his sack, he had put +in any extraneous substance, it would not have been a cup of silver." + +Time was when the SQUIRE would have jumped at this opportunity. +Benches crowded with jubilant gentlemen in dinner dress; excitement +of cheers and counter-cheers filled House. Few things delight it more +than encounter between these two brilliant swordsmen. Only half-past +eleven; Twelve-o'clock Rule suspended; plenty of time for business +by-and-by; half an hour's sport hurt nobody. + +When SQUIRE rose, a ringing cheer went up from Ministerialists. Their +turn now. JOE was "going to catch it." But SQUIRE knew better than +that. Opportunity tempting; almost irresistible. But business first, +pleasure after. With touching air of resignation, SQUIRE said they +had listened to a very good speech, and now he hoped the Vote would +be agreed to; at which point he meekly sat down. Shock so sudden and +unexpected that no one but NOLAN moved, and he, finding himself on +his legs, had no words ready. Whilst he was gasping in search of them, +Closure moved; Chairman, who is getting well into the saddle, put +question with lightning-like rapidity; before Committee quite knew +where it was, it was dividing on the Uganda Vote. + +_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates concluded; Report of Supply +agreed to; way cleared for Appropriation Bill. + + +_Tuesday Night._--HENRY FOWLER explained Parish Council Bill in speech +of equal force and lucidity. "Hands all round," as TENNYSON said, in +applause of speech and approval of Bill. JESSE COLLINGS rather hinted +that anything good in measure was conveyed from RITCHIE'S Bill, and +everyone knows that RITCHIE was mere lay-figure behind which JESSE +controlled policy of Local Government Board under last Administration. +Even this criticism meant as compliment. No harsher note disturbed +chorus of approval. + +JOKIM, in effusion of moment, led into making interesting confession. +As he says, only he put it stronger, general impression is that he +is not particularly attached to Agricultural Labourer. BOBBY SPENCER, +when he made his historic declaration--"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not +an Agricultural Labourer"--understood to have JOKIM in his mind; +endeavouring to ingratiate himself with the statesman who, at the +time, was CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER. JOKIM, certainly, through long +and honourable career, never lost opportunity of hustling HODGE. +Deductions drawn from this attitude entirely erroneous. Only been +dissembling his love. Made clean breast of it to-day. Clasping his +hands with genuine emotion, tear plainly tickling through his voice, +he exclaimed, "It has been the dream of my life to educate the +Agricultural Labourer in Parish affairs!" + +[Illustration: "CATCHING VOTES." +(_Suggested by the Picture "Catching Flies."_)] + +"Well, I must say, I never would have thought it," said GRANDOLPH, +regarding with new interest his Right Hon. friend. + +_Business done._--Parish Councils Bill brought in. + +_Thursday._--Pretty to watch Mr. G. in conversation with Prince ARTHUR +on question of Vote of Censure. When CAMERON, "doing a bit of bounce," +as BRODRICK said, asked PREMIER whether, supposing Opposition +resolved to move Vote of Censure, a day wouldn't be found for them, +Ministerialists cheered and Opposition responded. House never more +like public school than when a fight is being got up. Now spirit rose +to bubbling point; cheering and counter-cheering incessant. Only Mr. +G. sat silent, apparently so deeply interested in Orders that he had +not noticed what was forward. But he saw it all, saw a foot or two +further into futurity than the jubilant throng behind him. CAMERON +had unwittingly dealt trump card to Opposition avowedly bent on +obstructing Home-Rule Bill. Had a pretty good go to-day. Two hours +for Questions; two hours more to be used up on Motion for Adjournment. +That would serve to throw Registration Bill over sitting and spoil Mr. +G.'s little programme. But this suggestion of Vote of Censure coming +from other side, worth at least couple of days. Mr. G. saw it all, +and once glanced quickly across table in search of sign that anyone on +Front Bench opposite had made the discovery. Thought he saw a gleam +of intelligence in GRANDOLPH'S eye. Hoped things might blow over; +but there was inconvenient questioner behind, with Scotch persistency +waiting answer. Ministerialists cheering like mad; Opposition +truculently responding; all waiting for him. Must do or say something. +Wouldn't commit himself by saying anything. Half rose from seat and +bowed assent. + +[Illustration: POPPING THE QUESTIONS; +_Or, Scene from old Burlesque of "Obstruction" as revived at St. +Stephen's Theatre Royal._] + +By this time Prince ARTHUR began to see light. Some smart fencing +followed; Prince ARTHUR pressed home Vote of Censure question; Mr. G., +whilst carefully avoiding any movement that might seem like retreat, +evaded the point. Later, when GRANDOLPH remarked that PRIME MINISTER +had challenged them to move Vote of Censure, Mr. G. angrily retorted, +"I did nothing of the sort." Too late now; Right Hon. Gentlemen on +Front Opposition Bench having put their heads together, determined to +ride in at gate CAMERON obligingly opened. Drew up Motion of Vote of +Censure, and Mr. G. must needs, out of his diminishing hoard of days, +find one for debating it; Opposition mean to make it two, or even +three. + +[Illustration: _Mr. G._ (_sings sotto voco_), "How happy could I be +with either! Were only Uganda away!"] + +"I wish," said Mr. G., in those chest-notes that indicate profounder +indignation, "my people would leave me to manage the business of +House." + +_Business done._--Four hours wasted. Vote of Censure invited. + +_Friday Midnight._--Wonder to find SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE still at +post of duty. Business rather heavy work; think it would be well that +so precious a life should be cared for. Say this to him. + +"You're very kind, TOBY," he answered, just a little wearily "but I +never think of myself when the interests of my QUEEN and Country are +at stake. Fact is, I have charge of a Bill drafted in the interests of +our fellow-citizen the Sweep. He has thrown himself into my arms (of +course I use the phrase in a Parliamentary sense) and I am resolved +to do my best for him. I am told that the business which called the +Judges into private consultation the other day was a proposal to place +my bust, crowned with laurel, on a prominent pedestal in the Royal +Courts of Justice. Well, I have done something in my time for justice; +just now all my sympathies are with the Sweep. I receive deputations +of them every day. No, they don't enter by the chimney, but come in by +the front-door in ordinary fashion. When there are more than five of +them, and they stay over twenty minutes, they leave a little smell +lingering in the room. But that's nothing. I'm waiting now to move +Second Reading of my Bill. Want Mr. G. to take it up. Have told him +people really don't care for Home-Rule Bill, whereas, if he gave his +mind to it, he might rouse the country on the question of the harmless +necessary Sweep. But no use. He's too deeply rooted in his attachment +to his Home-Rule scheme. Daresay I shall get my Bill through first." + +_Business done._--Patience of long-suffering SPEAKER breaks down +at last. JEMMY LOWTHER did it. On Appropriation Bill moved +incomprehensible Amendment, in unintelligble speech; SPEAKER came down +on him "like cartload of bricks," as JOHN BURNS put it. JAMES only +temporarily subdued; will probably come up smiling on Monday. + + + + + * * * * * + + + +Transcriber's note: + + Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +104, APRIL 1, 1893*** + + +******* This file should be named 22698.txt or 22698.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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