diff options
Diffstat (limited to '22698-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 22698-8.txt | 1575 |
1 files changed, 1575 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/22698-8.txt b/22698-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..50d9b0a --- /dev/null +++ b/22698-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1575 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +April 1, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 1, 1893 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 21, 2007 [eBook #22698] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 104, APRIL 1, 1893*** + + +E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22698-h.htm or 22698-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698/22698-h/22698-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698/22698-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 104 + +APRIL 1, 1893. + +edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + + + + + +[Illustration: MODEL FIGURES IN THE CRITERION TOY-SHOP.] + + * * * * * + +THE BUBBLE SHOP; OR, "ONLY HIS PLAY." + +How many deserving persons besides dramatic authors are looking about +for good situations, and are unable to find them! Mr. 'ENRY HAUTHOR +JONES was sufficiently fortunate to obtain a good dramatic situation +of tried strength, which, placed in the centre of novel and most +improbable (not to say impossible) surroundings, has, in the hands of +Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM and his highly trained company of illusionists, +achieved a remarkable success. + +Within the last few years there have been notorious cases associated +with the names of Members of Parliament, but as the House is a +Legislative Assembly and not an inquisitorial tribunal instituted +for the public investigation of private morality, no charge could be +brought in the House itself against any one of its Members until after +a Court of Law had pronounced its verdict, and, even then, a Member +of Parliament, convicted of a criminal offence, would not cease _ipso +facto_ to belong to the House until after a motion for his expulsion +had been carried. As _Fritz_ in _La Grande Duchesse_ expressed his +wish to become a schoolmaster, in order that he might obtain some +smattering of education, so an immoral M.P. (if any such there be) +would be the very one to stand sponsor for a Bill for the Better +Preservation of Public Morals, with a view to gaining that elementary +knowledge of morality in which his education had been defective. But +no one could have brought up some awkward case against him in the +course of a debate in the House. In the parliamentary proceedings +of Little Peddlington this might be done, but not in the House of +Commons, which, by a very polite but necessary fiction, is supposed +to be a House of Uncommons, far above the weaknesses of the ordinary +human nature of mere Constituents. + +_Mr. Stoach_ (capitally played by Mr. J. VALENTINE--but everybody +plays capitally in this piece) finds _Lord Clivebrooke_ (Mr. CHARLES +WYNDHAM--admirable also) between midnight and one in the morning alone +with charming _Jessie Keber_ (Miss MARY MOORE,--delightful!) in old +_Matthew Keber's_ toy-shop, _Keber_ himself (another very clever +impersonation by Mr. W. H. DAY) having gone out on the sly to get +drunk on money supplied him by the aforesaid unscrupulous _Stoach, +M.P._ So what would have to be said in the House should amount to +this:-- + +_Stoach._ What! the Leader of the House bring in this Purity Bill!! +Why I saw him myself with my own eyes in a toy-shop, all among the +toys, alone at one in the morning with an attractive young person of +the female persuasion. + +"Look at that now," says an Irish M.P., following the example of +_Shaun the Post_ in _The Colleen Bawn_, when the scoundrelly lawyer +brings a charge against the hero of the drama, "An' what might _you_ +be doin' about there at that same time?" + +Supposing, for an instant, the impossible, _Stoach_ would be called to +order, and be severely reprimanded by the SPEAKER. + +Had the much-heckled and long-suffering _Clivebrooke_ been gifted by +the Author with lively ready-wit, he would have replied to his +father and supporters, who invade his room, in the pleasantest and +Charliest-Wyndhamest manner, "Yes (_lightly and airily_). What could I +be doing in a toy-shop with a young lady? Why (_still more lightly +and airily_) of course I was '_toying with her!_'" Whereupon his old +father would have been immensely tickled, and the deputation, in fits +of laughter, would have rushed back to the lobby to report "the last +good thing said by that clever chap _Clivebrooke!_ So like him!" + +This Act would have ended with the triumph of ready-wit over +disappointed malignity. _Jessie Keber_ would have run in and embraced +her hero, the Bill would have been carried (_Cheers heard without_), +and all would have ended happily and pleasantly without any necessity +having arisen for another Act, either of Parliament or of the piece. + +"Yes," says this dramatist, "I admit the soft impeachment. I plead +guilty, with extenuating circumstances. _The play's the thing_; and if +the facts don't suit my play, so much the worse for the facts. Success +has been achieved, and what more can any living author want? Credit +and cash. _Voilà tout!_ 'Credit' for my own original invention in +hitting upon the Parliamentary accessories to my picture; and 'cash,' +which will be paid as long as the public take an interest _in_ the +play, and just so long shall I take my interest _out_ of the public +money." + +To sum up in the words of the old-fashioned tag, "If our friends in +front are pleased, then Manager and Author are satisfied." But, if +objection be still taken to the unreality of the Parliamentary setting +of the picture, then "please remember," apologises 'ENRY HAUTHOR, +"that '_it's only my play_.'" + + * * * * * + +A Liberator Lay. + + Three little roguey-boys said to Conscience--"Pooh!" + Croydon made one its Mayor, and then there were two. + + Two little roguey-boys thought that Fraud was fun; + A Judge thought otherwise, and then there was one. + + One little roguey-boy took the Chiltern Hun- + dreds upon his road to Spain, and then there was none! + + * * * * * + +WALKING ROUND HIS SUBJECT.--In TAY PAY'S interesting review of _The +Life of Lord Aberdeen_, a Book of the Week in the _Sun_, there is a +delightful chord which shows that "the harp that once thro' Tara's +halls" still upon occasion twangs. "It is pleasant," says TAY PAY, +writing of Mr. GLADSTONE, "to be able to project ourselves backward to +the time, when the statesman we know as full of years and the idol of +millions, was the bashful, self-distrustful youth." Now, if next week +our young friend, whose sympathy with bashful, self-distrustful youth, +is instinctive, will manage to withdraw himself forward, he may be +said to have thoroughly reconnoitered his subject, an excellent thing +in a reviewer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS, F-WL-R AND +G-SCH-N.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ASSISTED EDUCATION. + +_Christabel._ "I SAY, JACK, HOW EVER DO YOU DEFINE THE EQUATOR?" + +_Jack_ (_who has been to the Circus_). "ISN'T IT A MENAGERIE LION THAT +GOES ROUND THE WORLD?" + +[_Jack has learnt about "the Imaginary Line," and got the answer a +little mixed._]] + + * * * * * + +THE VILLAGE BEAUTY AND THE RIVAL SWAINS. + +_An Easter Eclogue._ + + _Chloe_ Miss HODGE + _Corydon_ H. H. F-WL-R + _Strephon_ J. G. G-SCH-N. + + _Corydon_ (_smirking_). I have found out a gift for _my_ fair, + Such as sugary SHENSTONE ne'er found! + _Strephon_ (_aside, sniffing_). His bowpot's made up, I declare, + Half of flowers he's filched from _my_ ground! + _Chloe_ (_pirouetting_). Oh la! What a lovely bokay! + That for _me!_ Oh, you're awfully kyind! + _Corydon_ (_ogling_). Ah! I've loved you this many a day! + _Strephon_ (_sighing_). And for years you've been first in my mind! + _Chloe_ (_aside_). My! Isn't it nice to be courted like this? + I believe I could buy 'em both up with a kiss! + + _Corydon_ (_gloating_). Love, you dance just as PERDITA danced! + You must be a Princess in disguise. + _Strephon_ (_aside_). And not long since he swore that she pranced + Likes a clown who contends for a prize. + _Chloe_ (_bridling_). _Me_ a Princess? Oh la! that's your fun. + You know that my feyther was HODGE! + _Strephon_ (_aside_). Of course; but, providing she's won, + He'll descend to the paltriest dodge. + _Corydon_ (_effusively_). + You're the Pride of the Village, and fashioned to rule + In the Cottage, the Council, the Church, and the School! + + _Chloe_ (_coyly_). You're a flattering of me, young man! + _Corydon_ (_ardently_). If I am, maay I forfeit your--Vote! + _Chloe._ Well, of course, I will do what I can, + As the Parish-princess, to promote + The--what is it you want me to do? + Yes, the Poor--and the Ditches--and Drains, + The Rates--I do hope _they_'ll be few! + The Allotments--I trust they'll be gains! + But the Squire and the Parson? Oh! CORYDON mine, + When _they_ hear what you've done, _won't_ they kick up a shine? + + _Corydon_ (_brusquely_). Oh! the Squire and the Parson be--blowed! + All too long they've been cocks o' the walk. + _Strephon_ (_eagerly_). Quite right! How this buzzum has glowed + Your twin tyrants to baffle and baulk! + _Corydon_ (_contemptuously_). You've dissembled your--hate for them well, + Master STREPHON! It never leaked out + Till _we_ made PATIENT GRIZZEL a _belle!_ + _Now_ you'd like to cut in, I've no doubt. + _Chloe_ (_coquettishly_). La sakes! do not quarrel! + You're both very kyind, + But--I fancy dear CORYDON'S most to my mind. + + [_Beams on him, and accepts the Bouquet._ + + _Strephon_ (_suppressing himself_). Well, well, 'tis the fortune of war! + As it's holiday season, let's sing, + Should Shepherds at Eastertide jar? + Suave SHENSTONE would scout such a thing. + I wish you and CORYDON luck-- + The posy he's plucked you looks fine; + Though I must say my fancy it struck, + It was not wholly new--in design. + However, dear CHLOE, you're sweet; 'tis fair weather; + So, CORYDON, let's sing her praises--together-- + + _They sing_:-- + + Her charms--since she possessed the Vote-- + Are things on which the swains all dote. + Fearing to flout or slight. + She dances, having now her way, + No bygone Easter holiday + E'er saw so fine a sight! + + Our village _Belle_ with _anyone_ + Dares now to make comparison. + Fair nymph, this Easter fun done, + With proudest County Toast, though fair, + You may compete or charms compare + With the haughtiest "Pride of London!" + + * * * * * + +ASTOUNDING REPORT.--There is no foundation whatever for the report +of the resignation of Lord HERSCHELL. It probably arose from some +incautious and slangy person speaking of him in his office of LORD +CHANCELLOR as having "got the sack." Obviously the Wool-sack was +intended. + + * * * * * + +A GENUINE PHILANTHROPIST. + + O PASSMORE EDWARDS, you, beyond contention, + Are worthy _Punch's_ "Honourable Mention." + Whenever there be any boons a-brewing + You're very sure, Sir, to be up and doing! + There's scarce a project schemed with kindly sense, + But profits by your large munificence. + _Punch_ won't forget to pray when passing bedwards, + For you--and for more bricks like PASSMORE EDWARDS! + + * * * * * + +ON THE SECOND READING OF THE HOME-RULE BILL. + +(_By a Rebellious Rad._) + + BUTCHERED--to make an Easter Holiday, + For Orangemen who yearn to have their say! + They've got political _delirium tremens_. + _Orange?_ Nay, they're sour as unripe lemons! + + * * * * * + +THE REAL "SPIRITUAL" (OR SHALL WE SAY SPIRITUOUS?) NEEDS OF +LONDON.--Strict Supervision of Gin Palaces, and a rigid enforcement of +the Adulteration Acts. (_Licensing Authorities, Excise Officers, and +Policemen, please take Notice!_) + + * * * * * + +A TIP IN TIME. + + Country Vestrydom's called, by its new-fangled rival, + (The smart "Parish Council") "decrepit survival." + P. C., be not hard on the old form thou twittest! + Thou yet hast to prove _thy_ "Survival" the "fittest." + + * * * * * + +AT THE CONFECTIONER'S. + +(_A Sketch on Saturday Afternoon._) + +SCENE.--_A Confectioner's Shop in a fashionable West-End thoroughfare. +Close to the window is a counter, with the usual urns and +appurtenances, laden with an assortment of richly decorated pastry, +and presided over by an alert and short-tempered_ Manageress. _The +little tables are close together, and crowded with_ Customers, _the +majority of whom are ladies. A couple of over-worked_ Waitresses _are +endeavouring, with but indifferent success, to satisfy everybody at +once._ + +_Cries from Customers._ Yes, two teas and _one_ roll and butter--no, I +mean, one roll and butter and _two_ teas! "_Have I ordered?_" Why, the +last time you said it was coming directly! Isn't that chocolate ready +_yet?_ We shall _never_ catch our train! I say, Waitress, I ordered +coffee and cakes a quarter of an hour ago, and all we've got yet is +two empty cups and a bowl of sugar! _Do_ make haste with that tea! +I didn't say a _cup_ of tea--I said a _pot_ of tea, as plain as----! +(&c., &c.) + +_Duet of Waitresses._ Yes, Sir, attend to you in one moment. Are +_you_ the cup of tea, Madam? Oh, I'll bring you a fork for your pastry +directly. There'll be some milk coming in a minute, Sir. Bread and +butter? No, Sir, you can have a _roll_ and butter, or cakes, if you +prefer them. Excuse me, Madam, when I've done attending to _this_ +lady. No, Sir; it was the other young lady who took your order--not +me. _Would_ you mind letting me have the milk-jug, if you've finished +with it, Madam? We're rather short of them. I'll _see_ if I can get +you a teaspoon, Sir. (&c., &c.) + +_The Manageress_ (_all in one breath, without any stops_). Now then +Miss SIMPSON don't you see these cups standing here ready to be taken +and there's that Gentleman in the corner waiting to be attended to and +tell Mrs. BINKS we shall want more milk and there put out those +fancy cakes do two chocolates Miss JONES well you can't have them +yet because I've used all the hot water what does the girl want next +butter it's no use coming _to me_ for butter here take those cups to +be washed up will you you leave me to look after everythink myself and +customers leaving because they can't get served I declare I never saw +such girls as you are in all my born days! + +_A Man from the Lyceum._ I'm not sure, after all, that IRVING'S finest +moment wasn't in that last scene. I mean, when _Fitzurse_ and those +fellows came in, and he---- + +_First Lady_ (_at adjoining table--from the Aquarium Theatre_). Sat up +on his _dear_ tail, and struck out with those long hind legs of his, +_sweet_ thing; he took such an _interest_ in it all, didn't he? + +_Second Lady_ (_on opposite side of table--who has been to +"Hypatia"_). Oh, and didn't she look _distractingly_ lovely just after +she had finished lecturing; _you_ know, when she---- + +_Third L._ (_close by, fresh from "Charley's Aunt"_). Stepped out of +the gown, and walked about in the old Lady's cap and false front! I +quite _cried_ with laughing! + +_Second L._ I liked the Proconsul--dear me, what _was_ his name? +So _stupid_ of me--but it doesn't matter! I thought he looked so +perfectly Byzantine when he came in with his lictors in the litter---- + +_Third L._ And played the piano so _beautifully!_ + +_Second Hypatian L._ And didn't you think TREE was very good?--that +part where he found out about his daughter, and stood towering over +her with a knife in his hand, and---- + +_Third L._ That enormous cigar stuck in his mouth--he was simply too +_killing!_ [_And so on._ + +_Miss Camille Leon_ (_by voiceless motion of her lips, and expressive +pantomime, for the guidance of her fiancé_, Mr. FRED FORRIDGE, _who +has gone to the counter to select dainties for her refection_). No, +not _those_--in the _next_ dish--with chocolate outside ... no the +_long_ ones--_oh_, how stupid you are! Yes, if those are preserved +cherries on the iced sugar. Very well, the _pink_ one, then--that will +do. + +_Mr. Forridge_ (_returning with a loaded plate_). I hope I've got what +you wanted? + +_Miss C. L._ _Just_ what I like--_how_ clever of you! (_She helps +herself, after dainty deliberation._) Quite delicious! Aren't you +going to have any yourself? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_engaged in exploring his left-hand pocket +surreptitiously, with a troubled expression_). Oh, thanks--presently, +perhaps. (_To himself._) I must have more than that _somewhere!_ + +[Illustration: "I must have more than that _somewhere!_"] + +_Miss C. L._ (_gaily_). I advise you to make haste--or there'll be +none left. They're too seductive for words. [_She chooses another._ + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). It _is_ one-and-sixpence. Fool I was to +go and forget my sovereign-purse! However--(_hopefully_), two +cups of tea at fourpence--eightpence; say three cakes at +twopence--one-and-twopence--oh, I shall manage it easily, and leave a +margin! (_Aloud._) I think I won't have anything to eat--not _hungry_, +don't you know. + +_Miss C. L._ No more am _I!_ (_She takes a third cake._) This has got +cream inside--aren't you tempted? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself._) Only fourpence to the good now--mustn't +risk it! (_Aloud._) Couldn't indeed--spoil my appetite for dinner. + +_Miss C. L._ (_with superiority_). Oh, I never _have_ any appetite +for dinner. I loathe the very sight of food, somehow! But I do _wish_ +you'd eat something--it's so _piggish_ of you not to--_really_ it is! +You must take just this weeny little one--to please Me! (_She places +it on his plate._) Now you _can't_ say no! + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). She is the _dearest_ darling! (_Aloud._) +I'd do anything in the world to please you, CAMILLE! (_To himself._) +After all, there's still _twopence!_ + +_Miss C. L._ Good boy! (_As he eats._) Well, is it a success? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_munching_). It isn't bad--got Marchpane, or something of +the kind on it. + +_Miss C. L._ How nice! I adore Marchpane! You may go and get me one +just like it, if you're _very_ good. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself, as he obeys her behest_). That cleans me +out! Thank goodness, no gratuities are allowed here, or else--and this +_must_ be the last--she's had three already! If I'd only had another +sixpence, I shouldn't care, but this is running it devilish close! +(_Aloud, as he returns._) This is the nearest I could get. + +_Miss C. L._ Thanks, ever so much. Awfully nice tea this is. +(_Suggestively._) They might give one bigger cups, though! + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself, with pathos_). I'd give my life for her, +cheerfully--and I've got to deny her a second cup of tea! But hang +it, I _must_. I can't ask her to lend me fourpence to pay the bill! +(_Aloud._) It's--er--just as well they don't. My sisters have +sworn off afternoon tea altogether; some medical Johnny told them +it--er--had a tendency to make the nose red! + +_Miss C. L._ (_to herself_). FRED'S _sisters!_ Very likely! (_Aloud, +coldly._) If you think there is any danger of that in _my_ case, of +course I won't risk another cup. + +_Mr. Forr._ Oh--er--well, you never _know_, don't you know. +I--er--_wouldn't_. (_To himself._) Narrow shave that, by Jove! + +_Miss C. L._ I think we'd better take a cab back, don't you? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_horrified_). M--much jollier walking. Streets as dry as +a bone! + +_Miss C. L._ But I want to get home and arrange the table for dinner +to-night. Mother always likes me to do the flowers. + +_Mr. Forr._ Lots of time for that You c--can't judge of the effect +till it's dark, _can_ you? And it will be light for hours to come. + +_Miss C. L._ Yes, that's true. Then suppose we go and see the +BURNE-JONESES, now we're so near? They don't close till six. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). It _would_ have been jolly; but, +half-a-crown, when I can't even run to a _catalogue!_ No! (_Aloud._) +It--it's getting so dark--can't do 'em justice by artificial light, do +you think? And--well, to tell you the honest truth, CAMILLE, after the +Old Masters, you know--I--I don't feel--and I _have_ seen them, you +know! + +_Miss C. L._ (_pouting_). I thought you might have cared to see them +again--with Me--but it doesn't in the least matter ... FRED, I don't +care about this cake you got me--it's dull. I think I shall leave it, +and try one of these white-and-green ones instead. [_She does._ + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself--with a beaded brow_). Broke! And for an +extra twopence! As likely as not, she hasn't even got her purse with +her. And she'll think I'm so beastly mean! Why on earth didn't I let +her go to the Aërated Bread-shop, as she wanted? It would have been +all right then! + +_Miss C. L._ I'm afraid you're rather bored, FRED--you don't seem to +be enjoying yourself quite; _do_ you? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_in agony_). Oh, I _am_--I'm all right, CAMILLE, only +I--I'm always like this after the Old Masters, you know. + +_Miss C. L._ So sorry I made you bring me--don't you think we had +better pay, and go home? + +_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). Now for it! (_He pulls himself together._) +W--waitress, w--what have I to pay, please? + +_Waitress._ Two teas, eightpence; one, two--_six_ cakes you've had, I +think, Sir? One-and-eightpence altogether. + +_Mr. Forr._ (_with a gasp_). Oh! (_He fetches up two coins abjectly +from his pocket_). I--I'm sorry to say that I--I've o--only one +shilling and (_with a start of intense relief_) half-a-sovereign, +so (_with recovered dignity_) I'm afraid I must ask you to give +me change. (_To_ Miss C. L.) I--I was only joking about the +BURNE-JONESES, darling, I'd like to see them _awfully_--with you. And +we can walk home through the Park, or take a cab afterwards, just as +_you_ feel about it. _Do_ say you'll come! + +[Miss LEON _graciously consents, and_ Mr. FORRIDGE _follows her out of +the shop with restored equanimity, as Scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--The Dowager Lady CRUMBIE dined out one +night last week, when the dinner was so cold that her Ladyship caught +a severe chill, and next day the Cook caught it uncommonly hot. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS.--M. WORTH, of Paris, says of the costumes of The +No-Connection "BRADLEY & CO," "You must take them for what they +are----WORTH." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROTHERLY LECTURE. + +"WHAT! _ANOTHER_ SCRAPE! WHAT AN ASS YOU MUST BE, ALWAYS GETTING INTO +SCRAPES WITH WOMEN! WHY _DO_ YOU? _I_ NEVER GET INTO SCRAPES WITH +WOMEN! NEVER GOT INTO A SCRAPE WITH A WOMAN IN MY LIFE!"] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE BOAT-RACE. + +Well, as I've often said afore, and shall most probberly live to say +it again, there ain't no acounting for taste, speshally among the +hupper classes. Take last Wensday as a xampel. Here's a lot of about +twenty of the most heminent Swells in our most heminent Huniwersitys, +where they goes, as we all on us knows, to learn how to tork Greek, +which they finds so wunderful useful when they growes up. Well, they +has the hole year to choose from, save and xcept Sundays, and I'm +jiggered, as I herd a real Gent say, if they don't go and select a day +as goes and begins with a hawful heasterly wind, and a contemptible +shower of rain, just enuff to make thowsands of our most loveliest +Ladys at wunce risolve not to wenter out ewen to see such a site +as two boats full of hansum young gennelmen, all drestin flannel, a +pulling of them two boats a matter of four miles! And yet I'm told as +there's a learned Gent as publishes a little book as tells you what +the whether will be ewery day in the year, and he's werry offen rite. + +However, it all turned out rite at larst, and we had a nice sunny day, +tho' why they kep us all a waiting till arf-past fore o'clock I'm sure +I don't kno, when there was thowsends of us waiting afore two. Another +little misstery is, why they want no less than hayteen strong-looking +gents to pull too little Botes along, sixteen on 'em a pulling with +their skulls, and two on 'em a pulling with too little ropes apeace, I +have never bin able to make out. + +I was told as it was a lovely race, tho it seemed werry much as usual +to me. One of the botes got a little in front of the other, and so got +in fust, and that was all. But, sumhow, I don't quite think as that +is all as so many thowsands goes out for. For instance, now, in the +butiful ship as I was perfeshnally engaged in, we laid out a lovely +lunshun with evry luckshury of the season, and all kinds of wine, at +about 2 o'clock, and then, as we picked up our swell passengers at +the warious peers, our Managing Gent says to them, says he, "If you +please, Gents, lunch is laid out in the cabin, and will be continually +laid out all day, so you can act accordin." And so they did! and that +cabin was jest about comfertably occepied all day long, except for +about ten minutes jest as the Botes was a cummin by. Ah! that's my +highdeal of spending an appy day, and a pitty it is as it ony comes +wunce a year! + +BROWN, who was along with me, tried werry Hard to gammon me to bleeve +as none of the pullers in the fust boat got nothink for winning, and +that none of the pullers in the larst boat paid nothink for loosing! +But I wasn't quite such a born fool as to beleeve that rubbish. I +had jest the same good larf as usual in seeing how hard the three big +steam-boats, as started jest after the racing-boats, tried their werry +hardest to catch 'em up, but coudn't do it till they was past the +winning post! And the best of the fun was, as they painted two of 'em +Oxford and Cambridge, to make all poor greenhorns beleeve as they was +the reel racing-boats, and the other was a going fust jest to show +'em the way. Lor, how heasy it is to gammon sum poor fellers! Like all +trew waiters, hating any think at all like waste, me and BROWN, and +the other two of us, seed all our Company hoff, and then we quietly +took our seats, and I bleeves as I can truly say, that, neether in the +eatable line, or the drinkable line, was there any waste in that there +bootiful Steamer that there appy day. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +FROM MR. J. L. T**LE.--It is not true that _Die Walküre_, about to be +produced at the Grand Opera, in Paris, is either an adaptation, or a +translation, of _Walker--London_. It's WAGNER, not WALKER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WAY TO GET ON. + +_Fair Amateur Palmist (who has kissed the Blarney Stone)._ "I'M SORRY +TO SAY, DEAR LADY CROESUS, THAT YOU WILL HAVE A SERIOUS ILLNESS AT +FORTY!"] + + * * * * * + +A DELICATE QUESTION. + +[In the pages of the _Author_ Mr. BESANT suggests, that "the Society +of Authors should undertake the examination of journalists."] + + O zealous Mr. BESANT, we have heard with consternation + Of this, the latest project of your ever-busy band; + Each journalist, apparently, must pass examination, + Lest any deal with matters which he does not understand. + + You're horrified to notice at performances dramatic + A row of so-called critics, knowing nothing of the play; + You mean to make essential an acquaintance with the Attic, + In all allowed to comment on the drama of to-day. + + With ample stock of history and other knowledge, clearly, + The man who writes on politics must show himself supplied, + The taste of all reviewers will be criticised severely, + The Sporting Sage must qualify in papers on _Ruff's Guide_. + + No doubt your plan is laudable, but then we find it printed + That novelists to manage all the scheme will be allowed, + And since they love reviewers not, it may, perhaps, be hinted, + That every man alive of us is certain to be ploughed! + + Moreover, on reflection, quite excusably one fancies + That, if so great advantage in the system you discern, + Its use should be extended to the weavers of romances, + And you and other novelists should suffer in your turn! + + And so, if we may venture on a practical suggestion, + Assuming that your postulate's indubitably true, + And all should be examined--there must yet remain the question, + _Custodes quis custodiet?_--For who'll examine _you?_ + + * * * * * + +WINES OR MINES?--Mrs. R. has on several occasions heard gentlemen +talking of "passing the Rubicon," and she wants to know whether this +is a Bill in Parliament about the Ruby Mines, or whether it is a +modern expression for what was many years ago, as she was informed by +her grandfather, a slang after-dinner phrase--"Pass the Ruby," _i.e._, +the wine? + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE RECESS. + +_The Pr-m-r._ To rest and sample (under the personal supervision of +Mrs. G.) Home Rule. + +_The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry._ To forget the speeches he had prepared for +Loyal Ulster. + +_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt._ To practise Local Option in the New Forest. + +_Lord R-s-b-ry._ To make up his mind about Uganda. + +_Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll._ To follow where he once led. + +_Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r._ To lead where he once followed. + +_The Duke of D-v-nsh-re._ To acquire a taste for "another place." + +_Sir A-g-st-s Dr-l-n-s._ To grapple with the Opera difficulty. + +_Mr. H-nry Irv-ng._ To run along with _Becket._ + +_Miss Ell-n T-rry._ To continue the same movement. + +_Mr. J. L. T-le._ To prepare to take _Walker--London_ to "Castle, +Windsor." + + * * * * * + +LEGAL QUERY ANSWERED SATISFACTORILY.--In an Article on the Lecture +on Cross-examination by Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., a _D. T._ Leader +reminded its readers of the scene in _The Village Lawyer_, where +Defendant is instructed by his Counsel to answer every question by +simply saying, in an imbecile manner, "Ba-a-a!" Subsequently, on +aforesaid Counsel asking for his fee, his client replied, "Ba-a-a!" +"What," asks the _D. T._, "would Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., do +with such a witness in cross-examination?" Why, 'tis evident that such +a case would not arise, as professional etiquette would prevent one +Barrister from taking a fee from a brother Barrister, that is as long +as the latter _stuck to the Ba-a-a!_ + + * * * * * + +VERY APPROPRIATE.--At Drury Lane, on Easter Monday, will appear _The +Bohemian Girl_, followed by the rivals in _Rustic Chivalry_. Very +flattering to the dear old _Bohemian Girl_. + + * * * * * + +TREACHEROUS WEATHER.--Lord SALISBURY has had a bad cold. He has been +recommended, however, not to put on, but to put off, his Ulster. + + * * * * * + +END OF THE COTTON STRIKE.--General rejoicings! All join in a reel! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES.] + +ACTING MANAGER H-RC-RT. "WELL, SIR, I THINK WE MAY SAY THAT,--IN +SPITE OF THE ORGANISED OPPOSITION IN THE HOUSE,--THE FIRST ACT HAS +REALLY GONE VERY WELL!" + +MR. G. (_Author and Manager_). "H'M!--BUT THE _RISKY SITUATION_ COMES +IN THE NEXT ACT!" + + * * * * * + +TO MOLLY--AN APRIL FOOL. + +_By a Bachelor-in-Love_ (_with Himself._) + + +[Illustration] + + + You never, MOLLY, plucked the chances + Last Leap Year brought of wedded rapture, + (Since Flattery wins, where Beauty's glances + Have failed to perpetrate a capture)? + + You never wrote to crave my fortune + That February! Bashful, may be, + Or over-fearful to importune + A _parti_ so renowned, you gaby! + + Imprudent damsel, to let slip + So much _insouciance_ and money! + I bear no malice now, and dip + This goosequill not in gall, but honey, + + I supplicate thee to be mine, + Bewitching Fair, thy lode-star mocking: + To sweetest vengeance I incline. + (Great Scott! the sacrifice is shocking!) + + With you to share a gem unique, + My best possession, foolish MOLLY, + This is the penalty I seek, + Dear fool of Spring, dear spring of Folly! + + Yet, ere I give myself away, + And abdicate on foolscap flimsy, + Let me implore you, mark the day-- + Time-honoured feast of prank and whimsy. + + Of my pet self, I offer half-- + To gain it myriads have endeavoured, + So take it, _take my photograph + Inclosed, and most adroitly severed_. + + * * * * * + +THE TELEPHONIC LOVE-SONG. + + ["Lovemaking by telephone has now become quite + common."--_Daily Paper._] + + Love, are you there? Most patiently I've waited + To hear the answering tinkle on my bell; + Have then the central offices belated + Not switched me on as yet to thy hotel? + Or is--oh, bitter thought!--a rival hated + Addressing thee by telephone as well? + Love, are you there? Distracted I repine; + Oh, hear thy humble four-nought-seven-nine! + + Never three-five-nine-six have I addressed, + The number registered for Mrs. JONES, + Nor for six-eight-two-one the button pressed + To woo Miss BROWN in telephonic tones; + So grant, I pray, my moderate request, + Nor keep me waiting thus with aching bones, + My anxious ear pressed to the tube with care, + While vainly I re-echo, "Are you there?" + + The suitor in the happier days of old, + When he would woo his lady-love divine, + Beneath her window his affection told + In skilful verse and neatly-balanced line; + And even if he sometimes caught a cold, + His was a less prosaic way than mine; + Then they'd embrace--no doubt it was not proper, + But I can only kiss a plate of copper! + + Oh come, my love, and speak to me again, + Say that you live for my unworthy sake, + And kindly make each syllable quite plain, + To guard against all subsequent mistake; + And soon may fortune re-unite us twain, + Communication never more to break! + Take up your tube in answer to my prayer; + Once more I speak my greeting--_Are you there?_ + + * * * * * + +GEE HO, GOSCHEN! + +_Jokim_ (_singing his Agricultooral-looralist lay_). + + "O Flaxen-headed Ploughman, + A whistling o'er the lee, + Oh, do not _you_ know _how_, man, + I've ever lovèd thee!" + + * * * * * + +EASTER REGULATIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS. + +1. Volunteers shall be expected to be up by the dawn in the morning, +be the weather rain or shine, fog, or otherwise. They will be marched +for scores of miles all day long, and, on their arrival at their +destination, shall consider themselves lucky if they find the most +primitive accommodation. + +2. Although they may be accompanied by their officers, the Volunteer +rank and file will clearly understand that they are manoeuvring +purely for the pleasure, if not improvement, of a few warriors +connected with the Household troops. + +3. They shall undertake the necessary duties at their own expense, and +every detail supplied by the War Office shall form the matter of an +angry altercation. + +4. The convenience of Volunteers shall be ignored, so that the +comforts of the Regular officers attached to the Citizen Force, may be +secured at their expense. + +5. Volunteer officers will be prepared to accept snubs and +condescension with their customary humility, and will not presume to +raise their voices in the presence of their superior (in quality if +not in rank) commanders. + +6. Volunteers of all ranks will work like niggers for nothing, save +the barren honour of being told (subsequently in the public prints) +that they have merely done their duty. + +7. And, to conclude, Volunteers will be expected to say that they have +thoroughly enjoyed their holiday, however difficult it may be to feel +it. + + * * * * * + +AN ELIGIBLE _PARTI_. + + I know a man who manhood's name profanes,-- + Most Mayfair mothers own him rather wild; + But, since he has more sovereigns than brains, + Each tries to catch and tame him for her child. + + He knows enough Arithmetic to keep + A Betting-book, and lose his little bets, + And though his sense of honour is not deep, + He always pays his "honourable" debts. + + Some scores of trowsers own him as their Lord, + And endless ties and one unchanging sneer; + He owes his tailor what would lodge and board + And wash a brace of curates for a year. + + His wit is not so pointed as his boots, + Bright with the polish which his manners lack, + Nor yet so chaste as those astounding suits + Which deck his shrunken limbs and padded back. + + His stays are always, _he_ is often, "tight," + His collar, like his birth, is _sans reproche_; + He seldom does a thing because it's right, + But, on the other hand, is never _gauche_. + + The Music Hall hath charms to soothe his breast, + But tries in vain to tinge his pallid cheek; + And yet the print he knows and loves the best, + Is that which duly blushes once a week. + + He never dances since the law shut up + His native haunt, where he could really go it, + And romp the _pas-de-quatre_, and shout and sup-- + (Of course the Mayfair mothers did not know it). + + He never dances--but he goes about, + And you will always meet him "everywhere," + And sometimes after supper he'll sit out + A dance or two, provided she is fair. + + Some day he'll stoop to raise her to his throne, + Look tame and tired of wild oats--for a time; + And, when They reap the whirlwind he has sown, + We'll talk of his misfortune and her crime. + + * * * * * + +THOSE SILENT BOOTS. + +_Burglar's Ballad._ AIR--"_Those Evening Bells._" + + Those Silent Boots! Those Silent Boots! + When out upon our gay galoots, + 'Twill give us coves the bloomin' jumps, + If we carn't 'ear the Copper's clumps! + + 'Ave Bobby's Bluchers passed away? + That there will bust the Burglar's lay! + Wot, _silent_ "Slops"--like evening swells? + It's wus than them electric bells! + + No, no! I 'opes, till _I_ am gone, + The Bobby's Boots will still clump on. + Their warnin' sound our bizness soots, + But bust the thought o' _Silent_ Boots! + + * * * * * + +SOME EVILL-MINDED PERSONS.--At the Royal Academy of Music the +competition for the Evill Prize took place last Friday, which, to +unsuccessful competitors was a day of Evill omen. This is one of the +rare instances where "Out of Evill cometh good." + + * * * * * + +"ART, HOW SHE IS LEARNED." + +SCENE--_London. Time--any day of the Week between Show Sunday and +Academy Sunday. Present--two_ Art Critics _à la Mode_. + +_First A. C._ (_after a pause_). Yes, met a crowd of people last +Sunday. Bad memory myself, but hanged if I can remember why I went out +on Sunday. + +_Second A. C._ (_after consideration_). And I too. I hate going out +on a Sunday as a rule, but I went last week. However, might have been +worse fun. Met PEACOCK girls. Rather good form. + +_First A. C._ Yes, Jolly. Going to meet 'em next Sunday,--Mulberry +Road. + +_Second A. C._ (_lighting a cigarette_). I'm going to the Mulberry +Road too. + +_First A. C._ (_also lighting a cigarette_). But why? + +_Second A. C._ (_after smoking for two minutes in silence_). Haven't +the faintest idea! Stay! Ah! (_Producing tiny memorandum book._) Here +it is, April 2nd--Mulberry Road--Academy Pictures. + +_First A. C._ (_with returning intelligence_). Of course! Why, that's +what we went about. To see the pictures! + +_Second A. C._ (_with further intelligence_). Yes. Going next Sunday +to Mulberry Road to see the pictures again. Rather fun, seeing +pictures! + +_First C._ (_after a long pause_). Yes, rather. + +[_Scene closes in upon their commencing to discuss some other +subject._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORTUNE'S FOOL. + +"WELL, IF THAT DON'T BEAT HEVERYTHINK, 'AVEN'T SET UP 'ERE IN BUSINESS +A MONTH, AND THEY'RE GOIN' TO REDRAIN THE 'OLE PLACE!"] + + * * * * * + +QUITE A CHIC CARGO! + +A GROUP of "World's Women" belonging to all races, has set out from +Southampton in the steamship _Paris_, _en route_ to the World's Fair. +There are English damsels, Scotch lassies, Tyrolese, Hungarian, +Parisian, Chinese, and Japanese ladies. Instead of being called +"World's Women," they ought, of course, to go as "World's Fair-ies." +"Arrangements have been made for bringing them back;" but suppose +they prefer to stay? America is a free country; Chicago is one of the +freest parts of it. So, after their relative powers of fascinating the +American male have been tested, their power of becoming his relatives +may have to be counted with. Let us hope they will be accommodated +with separate buildings at the Exposition; or a "Lady's Battle" +may ensue, under Queensberry Rules. European _versus_ Asiatic, +or--say--Fräulein _versus_ Mademoiselle. This would be a great hit. + + * * * * * + +TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE. + + The most cursory eye it must surely strike, + That VOTE and VETO look much alike. + Yet rival ranters are straining throat, + To VOTE the VETO--_or_ VETO the VOTE! + On a slight transposition thus hinges the quarrel + 'Twixt the fierce fanatics of Pump and Barrel. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 20._--"That's the best speech +HARCOURT has made this Session," said GEORGE CURZON, as we walked into +Lobby to support Government against onslaught of SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S +GATE, who disapproves its Uganda policy. + +"Which speech?" I asked, eagerly, always anxious to learn. GEORGE +CURZON just back from far East; has sat astride the Wall of China, +and taken five-o'clock tea with the QUEEN OF COREA. ULYSSES, with his +twenty-years' tramp, not in it with him. "Which speech?" I repeated. +"The speech he didn't make just now in reply to CHAMBERLAIN," said +CURZON, in that sententious tone, and with that grave manner he has +learned among the Apaches of the Ural Mountains. + +Wants thinking over, this; but is quite true. A great temptation for +the SQUIRE; would have been irresistible at one time. JOSEPH had made +a brilliant speech, scintillating with diamond dagger-points. Yielding +to the habit of heredity, he had been more than usually disagreeable +towards his Brethren. "The original JOSEPH," as the SQUIRE remarked, +in a little aside, whilst the speech went on amid uproarious delight +of the Gentlemen of England, "had one soft place in his resentful +heart. But our JOE finds no BENJAMIN among us--unless, indeed, it be +TREVELYAN, and, I believe, if, after filling up his sack, he had put +in any extraneous substance, it would not have been a cup of silver." + +Time was when the SQUIRE would have jumped at this opportunity. +Benches crowded with jubilant gentlemen in dinner dress; excitement +of cheers and counter-cheers filled House. Few things delight it more +than encounter between these two brilliant swordsmen. Only half-past +eleven; Twelve-o'clock Rule suspended; plenty of time for business +by-and-by; half an hour's sport hurt nobody. + +When SQUIRE rose, a ringing cheer went up from Ministerialists. Their +turn now. JOE was "going to catch it." But SQUIRE knew better than +that. Opportunity tempting; almost irresistible. But business first, +pleasure after. With touching air of resignation, SQUIRE said they +had listened to a very good speech, and now he hoped the Vote would +be agreed to; at which point he meekly sat down. Shock so sudden and +unexpected that no one but NOLAN moved, and he, finding himself on +his legs, had no words ready. Whilst he was gasping in search of them, +Closure moved; Chairman, who is getting well into the saddle, put +question with lightning-like rapidity; before Committee quite knew +where it was, it was dividing on the Uganda Vote. + +_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates concluded; Report of Supply +agreed to; way cleared for Appropriation Bill. + + +_Tuesday Night._--HENRY FOWLER explained Parish Council Bill in speech +of equal force and lucidity. "Hands all round," as TENNYSON said, in +applause of speech and approval of Bill. JESSE COLLINGS rather hinted +that anything good in measure was conveyed from RITCHIE'S Bill, and +everyone knows that RITCHIE was mere lay-figure behind which JESSE +controlled policy of Local Government Board under last Administration. +Even this criticism meant as compliment. No harsher note disturbed +chorus of approval. + +JOKIM, in effusion of moment, led into making interesting confession. +As he says, only he put it stronger, general impression is that he +is not particularly attached to Agricultural Labourer. BOBBY SPENCER, +when he made his historic declaration--"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not +an Agricultural Labourer"--understood to have JOKIM in his mind; +endeavouring to ingratiate himself with the statesman who, at the +time, was CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER. JOKIM, certainly, through long +and honourable career, never lost opportunity of hustling HODGE. +Deductions drawn from this attitude entirely erroneous. Only been +dissembling his love. Made clean breast of it to-day. Clasping his +hands with genuine emotion, tear plainly tickling through his voice, +he exclaimed, "It has been the dream of my life to educate the +Agricultural Labourer in Parish affairs!" + +[Illustration: "CATCHING VOTES." +(_Suggested by the Picture "Catching Flies."_)] + +"Well, I must say, I never would have thought it," said GRANDOLPH, +regarding with new interest his Right Hon. friend. + +_Business done._--Parish Councils Bill brought in. + +_Thursday._--Pretty to watch Mr. G. in conversation with Prince ARTHUR +on question of Vote of Censure. When CAMERON, "doing a bit of bounce," +as BRODRICK said, asked PREMIER whether, supposing Opposition +resolved to move Vote of Censure, a day wouldn't be found for them, +Ministerialists cheered and Opposition responded. House never more +like public school than when a fight is being got up. Now spirit rose +to bubbling point; cheering and counter-cheering incessant. Only Mr. +G. sat silent, apparently so deeply interested in Orders that he had +not noticed what was forward. But he saw it all, saw a foot or two +further into futurity than the jubilant throng behind him. CAMERON +had unwittingly dealt trump card to Opposition avowedly bent on +obstructing Home-Rule Bill. Had a pretty good go to-day. Two hours +for Questions; two hours more to be used up on Motion for Adjournment. +That would serve to throw Registration Bill over sitting and spoil Mr. +G.'s little programme. But this suggestion of Vote of Censure coming +from other side, worth at least couple of days. Mr. G. saw it all, +and once glanced quickly across table in search of sign that anyone on +Front Bench opposite had made the discovery. Thought he saw a gleam +of intelligence in GRANDOLPH'S eye. Hoped things might blow over; +but there was inconvenient questioner behind, with Scotch persistency +waiting answer. Ministerialists cheering like mad; Opposition +truculently responding; all waiting for him. Must do or say something. +Wouldn't commit himself by saying anything. Half rose from seat and +bowed assent. + +[Illustration: POPPING THE QUESTIONS; +_Or, Scene from old Burlesque of "Obstruction" as revived at St. +Stephen's Theatre Royal._] + +By this time Prince ARTHUR began to see light. Some smart fencing +followed; Prince ARTHUR pressed home Vote of Censure question; Mr. G., +whilst carefully avoiding any movement that might seem like retreat, +evaded the point. Later, when GRANDOLPH remarked that PRIME MINISTER +had challenged them to move Vote of Censure, Mr. G. angrily retorted, +"I did nothing of the sort." Too late now; Right Hon. Gentlemen on +Front Opposition Bench having put their heads together, determined to +ride in at gate CAMERON obligingly opened. Drew up Motion of Vote of +Censure, and Mr. G. must needs, out of his diminishing hoard of days, +find one for debating it; Opposition mean to make it two, or even +three. + +[Illustration: _Mr. G._ (_sings sotto voco_), "How happy could I be +with either! Were only Uganda away!"] + +"I wish," said Mr. G., in those chest-notes that indicate profounder +indignation, "my people would leave me to manage the business of +House." + +_Business done._--Four hours wasted. Vote of Censure invited. + +_Friday Midnight._--Wonder to find SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE still at +post of duty. Business rather heavy work; think it would be well that +so precious a life should be cared for. Say this to him. + +"You're very kind, TOBY," he answered, just a little wearily "but I +never think of myself when the interests of my QUEEN and Country are +at stake. Fact is, I have charge of a Bill drafted in the interests of +our fellow-citizen the Sweep. He has thrown himself into my arms (of +course I use the phrase in a Parliamentary sense) and I am resolved +to do my best for him. I am told that the business which called the +Judges into private consultation the other day was a proposal to place +my bust, crowned with laurel, on a prominent pedestal in the Royal +Courts of Justice. Well, I have done something in my time for justice; +just now all my sympathies are with the Sweep. I receive deputations +of them every day. No, they don't enter by the chimney, but come in by +the front-door in ordinary fashion. When there are more than five of +them, and they stay over twenty minutes, they leave a little smell +lingering in the room. But that's nothing. I'm waiting now to move +Second Reading of my Bill. Want Mr. G. to take it up. Have told him +people really don't care for Home-Rule Bill, whereas, if he gave his +mind to it, he might rouse the country on the question of the harmless +necessary Sweep. But no use. He's too deeply rooted in his attachment +to his Home-Rule scheme. Daresay I shall get my Bill through first." + +_Business done._--Patience of long-suffering SPEAKER breaks down +at last. JEMMY LOWTHER did it. On Appropriation Bill moved +incomprehensible Amendment, in unintelligble speech; SPEAKER came down +on him "like cartload of bricks," as JOHN BURNS put it. JAMES only +temporarily subdued; will probably come up smiling on Monday. + + + + + * * * * * + + + +Transcriber's note: + + Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +104, APRIL 1, 1893*** + + +******* This file should be named 22698-8.txt or 22698-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22698 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://www.gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |