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diff --git a/22697.txt b/22697.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f15f656 --- /dev/null +++ b/22697.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1971 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +February 23, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, February 23, 1916 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 21, 2007 [eBook #22697] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 150, FEBRUARY 23, 1916*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22697-h.htm or 22697-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22697/22697-h/22697-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22697/22697-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +FEBRUARY 23, 1916. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The threatened shortage of paper has led a few unkind persons to enquire +upon what our diplomatic victories are hereafter to be achieved. + + *** + +An interned German was recently given a week's freedom in which to get +married, and the interesting question has now been raised as to whether +his children, when they reach the age of twenty-one, will be liable to +the Conscription Act or will have to be interned as alien enemies. + + *** + +According to Miss ELLEN TERRY but little attention has been given by the +critics to the letters in SHAKSPEARE'S plays. We rather thought that one +of Germany's intelligent young professors had recently subjected the +letters to a searching analysis, the result being to establish beyond a +reasonable doubt that England started the War. + + *** + +From _The Observer_:-- + + "The King has sent a congratulatory letter to Mrs. Mann of + Nottingham, who has nine sons serving in the Army and Navy. This + is believed to be a record for one working-class family." + +Though a mere bagatelle, of course, for the idle rich. + + *** + +We regret to read of the death from tuberculosis of one of the most +popular and playful of the Zoological Society's crocodiles. Death is +said to have been hastened by a severe chill contracted by the +intelligent reptile as the result of leaving off a warm undervest, the +gift of an elderly female admirer, in order to pursue, in jest, of +course, the keeper of the reptile house down a drain. + + *** + +A Persian newspaper entitled _Kaveh_ is now being published in Berlin +for the purpose of increasing popular interest in Persian affairs. Its +title is short for "_Kaveh kanem_!" (Beware of the Bulldog!) + + *** + +Women who have volunteered to do agricultural work in place of men +called to the colours will wear a green armlet, green being selected in +preference to red on account of the possibility of cows. + + *** + +The proposal that wives whose husbands, though of military age, have not +attested under the Derby Act shall be allowed to wear a ribbon on the +left arm to signify that it is not their fault, is said to have received +considerable support. + + *** + +There is no pleasing everybody. Last week Mr. TENNANT told the House of +Commons that hereafter "the Navy would undertake to deal with all +hostile aircraft attempting to reach this country, while the Army +undertook to deal with all aircraft which reached these shores." And now +the Horse Marines are asking bitterly why they are not to be permitted +to share in the great work. + + *** + +[Illustration: ONLY TO THINK THAT KAISER WILHELM, COUNT ZEPPELIN, VON +TIRPITZ, AND CROWN PRINCE WILLIE ALL LOOKED LIKE THIS ONCE! + +OUGHT WE TO GROW UP?] + + *** + +The German Government has put restrictions on the sale of sauerkraut, +and a hideous rumour is afoot to the effect that they are preparing to +use it on the prisoners by forcible feeding. + + *** + +It is said of the Chicago meat-packers that they use every part of the +pig except the squeal. As the result of the restriction put upon wood +pulp an equally economical process is to be applied to our old +newspapers. + + *** + + "Several new records were established at the Geelong wool sales, + including 20d. for greasy merino lambs.--_Reuter_." + +This revival of the ancient pastime of chasing the greasy lamb will be +of interest to antiquarians. + + *** + +From The _Irish Times_: "Wanted Lad as assistant plumber. _Experience +not necessary_." After all there is something to be said for the ravages +of war. + + * * * * * + +ERZERUM: A SET-BACK IN THE HOLY WAR. + +Kaiser to Sultan + + My Moslem brother, this is sad, sad news, + So sad that I permit myself to mention + How much it modifies my sanguine views + Of Allah's intervention. + + In that combine for holy ends and high + Of which I let him figure as the joint head + I must (between ourselves) confess that I + Am gravely disappointed. + + Without his help I did the Balkan stunt, + But when I left him to his own devices + To operate upon a local front + He failed me at the crisis. + + I could not run the show in every scene, + Not all at once; and Caucasus was chilly-- + Fifty degrees of frost, which would have been + Bad for the health of WILLIE. + + And then to think that he should let me down + When I was sore in need of heavenly comfort, + Making the Christian free of Erzerum town, + Which, as you know, is "some" fort. + + Not that I mind the mere material loss, + But poor Armenia, hitherto quiescent, + Who sees the barbarous brigands of the Cross + Trampling her trusted Crescent! + + True, you have spared the major part this pain, + But for the remnant, who escaped your heeding, + My heart (recovered, thank you, from Louvain), + Once more has started bleeding. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +MY WAR STORIES. + +Did you ever try to write War stories? I am not alluding to Press +telegrams from Athens, Amsterdam or Copenhagen, but legitimate magazine +fiction. Once I was reasonably competent and could rake in my modest +share of War profits. But recently Clibbers, of the International +Fiction Syndicate, approached me and said, "Old man, do me some War +stuff. Anything you like, but it must have a novel climax." + +"Not in a War story," I protested. + +"Can you deliver the goods?" said Clibbers sternly. + +After that what could I do but alter the stories I had in stock. + +For example there was my fine story, "Retrieved." The innocent convict +(would that I had the happy innocence of the convict of fiction!) +emerges from Portmoor. In a few well-chosen words the genial old prison +governor (to avoid libel actions I hasten to say that no allusion is +made to any living person) advises the released man to make a new +career. The convict marches to the recruiting office and enlists. In a +couple of paragraphs he is at the Front; on the second page he saves the +Colonel's life, captures a German trench on page three, and in less time +than it takes to do it gains the V.C., discovers the villain dying +repentant with a full confession in his left puttee, and embraces the +girl who chanced to be Red-Crossing in the rear of the German +position--presumably having arrived there by aeroplane. This seemed to +me both probable and credible in a magazine. Still a novel climax was +needed. After the few well-chosen words from the prison governor I took +the convict to the nearest public-house, let him discover that the new +restrictions were in force, and brought the story to a novel conclusion +by making him say with oaths to the recruiting officer that he would be +jiggered if ever he formed fours for such a rotten old country. + +I thought that, at any rate, I had provided one surprise for my readers. +Then I turned to my psychological study, entitled "The Funk." There +wasn't much story in this, but a good deal about a man's sensations when +in danger. I could picture the horror of it from personal experience, +for my rear rank man has nearly brained me a dozen times when the +specials have bayonet drill (I also have nearly brained--but I am +wandering from the subject). Well, the Funk at the critical moment ran +away, but, being muddled by German gas clouds, ran straight into the +German lines. He thought that people were trying to intercept his +flight. In panic he cut them down. At the last moment he cut the CROWN +PRINCE'S smile in twain. (In fiction, mark you, it is quite allowable to +put the CROWN PRINCE into the firing line). Then came glory, the D.C.M. +and a portrait of some one else with the Funk's name attached in _The +Daily Snap_. However, novelty was needed. I concluded by leaving the +Funk hiding in a dug-out when the British charged and eating the +regiment's last pot of strawberry jam. + +I turned to another romance, entitled "Secret Service," and found to my +joy that this needed very little alteration. The hero chanced to be in +Germany at the outset of the war. He was imprisoned at Ruhleben, +Potsdam, Dantzic, Frankfort and Wilhelmshaven. He escaped from these +places by swimming the Rhine (thrice), the Danube, the Meuse, the Elbe, +the Vistula, the Bug, the Volga, the Kiel Canal and Lake Geneva. He +chloroformed, sandbagged, choked and gagged sentinels throughout the +length and breadth of Germany. From under a railway carriage seat he +overheard a conversation between ENVER BEY and BERNHARDI. Concealed +beneath a pew at a Lutheran church he heard COUNT ZEP. and VON TIRP. +exchanging deadly secrets. Finally he emerged from a grandfather's clock +as the KAISER was handing the CROWN PRINCE some immensely important +documents, snatched them, stole an aeroplane, bombed a Zeppelin or two +on his homeward way, and landed exhausted at Lord KITCHENER'S feet. Here +came the change. Instead of opening the parcel to discover the plans of +the German staff, the WAR SECRETARY found in his hand this document:-- + +"Sausage Prices in Berlin: Pork Sausage, 3 marks 80 pf.; Horse Sausage, +3 marks 45 pf.; Dog Sausage, 2 marks 95 pf. Gott mit uns.--WILHELM." + +I sent the three romances to Clibbers and waited his reply with anxiety. +It came promptly and as follows:--"Are you mad?--CLIBBERS." + +Instantly I sent him the first versions of these magnificent fictions. +He phoned me at once, "That's the kind of novelty I want. Send me some +more." + +You will see "Retrieved," "The Funk," and "Secret Service" in the +magazines shortly. Don't trouble if the titles differ. After all, there +are only three genuine War story plots. + + * * * * * + +MORE STORIES OF OLD LONDON. + +(With acknowledgments to "_The Evening News_.") + +Mr. George Washington Turpin, Islington, writes:-- + + "I wonder if Mr. G. R. Sims remembers a curious horsey character + known as John Gilpin, who rode in state one day from his home in + the City to the Bell at Edmonton. I shall never forget the crowd + that assembled to see him pass through Islington. It's quite a + while ago and my memory is not so clear as it might be, but + being a bit of a road-hog he missed the Bell and went on to York + or somewhere." + + * * * * * + +DUAL CONTROL. + +[Illustration: "A KIND OF A GIDDY HARUMFRODITE--SOLDIER AN' SAILOR TOO." + +_Rudyard Kipling_. + +"Sir PERCY SCOTT has not quite left the Admiralty and has not quite +joined the War Office."--_Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITH, in the House_. Since this +remark Lord KITCHENER, has announced that the Admiral is to act as +expert adviser to Field-Marshal Lord FRENCH, who is taking over the +responsibility for home defence against aircraft.] + + * * * * * + +THE SIMMERERS. + +"I shall never shake it off," said Francesca. It was six o'clock and she +had just come in from having tea with some friends. + +"Shake what off?" I said. + +"My Cimmerian gloom," she said. "Haven't you noticed it?" + +"No," I said, "I can't say I have. Perhaps if you stood with your back +to the light--yes, there's just a _soupcon_ of it now, but nothing that +I could honestly call Cimmerian." + +"Of course you'd be sure to say that. I can never get you to believe in +my headaches, and now you won't notice my Cimmerian gloom." + +"Francesca," I said, "I do not like to hear you speak lightly of your +headaches. To me they are sacred institutions, and I should never dare +to tamper with them. Don't I always walk on tiptoe and speak in a +whisper when you have a headache? You know I do, even when you don't +happen to be in the room. If your gloom is the same sort of thing as +your headache----" + +"It's much worse." + +"If it's only as bad I'm prepared to give it a most respectful welcome. +But what is it all about?" + +"It's about the War." + +"God bless my soul, you don't say so. You're generally so cheerful about +it and so hopeful about our winning. What _has_ happened to give you the +hump? We've blown up any amount of mines and occupied the craters, and +we've driven down several German aeroplanes." + +"Yes, I know," she said, "I admit all that; but I've just met Mrs. +Rowley." + +"And a very cheery little party she is, too." + +"That," said Francesca, "is just it." + +"What's just what?" I said. + +"Don't be so flippant." + +"And don't you be so cryptic. What's Mrs. Rowley's cheerfulness done to +you?" + +"I'll tell you how it happened," she said. "We met; 'twas at a tea, and +first of all we talked about committees." + +"Committees!" I said. "How glorious! Are there many?" + +"Yes," she said. "There's the old Relief Committee, and the Belgian +Committee, and the Soldiers' Comforts' Committee, and the Hospital +Visitors' Committee, and the Children's Meals' Committee, and the +Entertainments' Committee and the----" + +"Enough," I said. "I will take the rest for granted. But isn't there a +danger that with all these committees----?" + +"I know," she said; "you're going to say something about overlapping." + +"Your insight," I said, "is wonderful. How did you know?" + +"I've noticed," she said, "that when men form committees they always +declare that there sha'n't be any overlapping, and then, according to +their own account, they get to work and all overlap like mad. Now we +women don't worry about overlapping. Most of us don't know what it +means--I don't myself--but we appoint presidents and treasurers and +secretaries, and then we go ahead and do things. If we were only left to +ourselves we should never call a meeting of any committee after we'd +once started it. It's the men who insist on committees meeting." + +"Yes, and on keeping them from breaking their rules." + +"What's the use of having committees if you can't break their silly old +rules?" + +"Amiable anarchist," I said, "let us abandon committees and return to +Mrs. Rowley." + +"Well," she said, "we soon got on to the War." + +"You might easily do that," I said. "The subject has its importance. +What does Mrs. Rowley think of it?" + +"Mrs. Rowley thinks it's all perfectly splendid. She hasn't the least +doubt about anything. She knows the uncle of a man whose cousin is in +the War Office and often sees Lord KITCHENER in the corridors, and he's +quite certain----" + +"Who? Lord KITCHENER?" + +"No, the uncle of the man whose cousin--he's quite certain the War will +be over in our favour before next June, because there'll be a revolution +in Potsdam and thousands of Germans are being killed in bread-riots +every day, and lots of stuff of that sort." + +"I understand," I said. "You began to react against it." + +"Something of that kind. She was so terribly serene and so dreadfully +over-confident that I got contradictious and had to argue with +her--simply couldn't restrain myself--and then she said she was sorry I +was such a pessimist, and I said I wasn't, and here I am." + +"Yes," I said, "you are, and in a state of Cimmerian gloom, naturally +enough. But you've come to the right place--no, by Jove, now that I +think of it you've come to the wrong place, the very wrongest place in +the world." + +"How's that?" + +"Because I met old Captain Burstall out walking, and he was miserable +about everything. According to him we haven't got a dog's chance +anywhere. The Government's rotten, the Army's rotten, the Navy's worse +and the British Empire's going to be smashed up before Easter." + +"Captain Burstall's the man for my money. If I'd only met him I should +have been as cheerful as a lark." + +"And that," I said, "is exactly what I am, entirely owing to a natural +spirit of contradiction. I just pulled myself together and countered him +on every point." + +"I daresay you did it very well," she said; "but if you're as +cock-a-hoop as you make out I don't see how I'm ever to get rid of my +depression. I shall be starting to contradict _you_ next." + +"Which," I said, "will be an entirely novel experience for both of us. +But I'll tell you a better way; let's keep silent for ten minutes and +simmer back to our usual condition of reasonable hopefulness." + +"I can't promise silence," she said, "but I'll back myself against the +world as a simmerer." + +R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jarge (on a visit to London)._ "Let's go oop past th' +War Office, Maria. We might see Kitchener." + +_Maria_. "We'll do nothin' o' th' sort. More'n likely you two'd get +talkin' an' we'd miss our train."] + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE to the Slackers:-- + + "Dishonour not your mothers; now attest." _Henry V., Act III., + Scene I_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Joan (reading)._ "It says here that this war is +Armagideon, and the end as the would is fixed for the beginning of +April." + +_Darby._ "There, now! I always said the Kaiser would wriggle out of it +somehow!"] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER AIR SCANDAL. + +If ever I write a Hymn of Hate, or, at any rate, of resentment, it will +not be about the Germans, but about a certain type of Englishman whom I +encounter far too often and shall never understand. The Germans are now +beyond any hymning, however fervent; they are, it is reassuring to +think, a class by themselves. But my man should be hymned, not because +it will do him any good, but because it relieves my feelings. + +It is really rather a curious case, for he might be quite a nice fellow +and, I have little doubt, often is; but he boasts and flaunts an inhuman +insensibility that excites one's worst passions. + +What would you say was the quality or characteristic most to be desired +in every member of our social common-wealth? Obviously there is only one +reply to this question: that he should be decently susceptible to +draughts. If society is to go on, either we must all be so +pachydermatous as to be able to disregard draughts, or we must feel them +and act accordingly. There should not be here and there a strange +Ishmaelite creature whose delight it is to be played upon by boreal +blasts. But there is. I meet him in the train, and the other day I +hymned him. + +O thou (my hymn of dislike, of annoyance, of remonstrance began):-- + + O thou, the foe of comfort, heat, + O thou who hast the corner seat, + Facing the engine, as we say + (Although it is so far away, + And in between + So many coaches intervene, + The phrase partakes of foolishness);-- + O thou who sittest there no less, + Keeping the window down + Though all the carriage frown, + Why dost thou so rejoice in air? + Not air that nourishes and braces, + Such as one finds in watering-places, + But air to chill a polar bear-- + Malignant air at sixty miles an hour + That rakes the carriage fore and aft, + Wherein we cower; + Not air at all, but sheer revengeful draught! + How canst thou like it? Say! How canst thou do it? + + Thou even read'st a paper through it! + + Know'st thou no pain? + Sciatica or rheumatism + Leading to balm or sinapism? + Doth influenza pass thee by? + Hast never cold or bloodshot eye + Like ordinary Christian folk + Who sit in draughts against their will + And pray they'll not be ill? + Even in tunnels (this is past a joke) + Thou car'st no rap + Nor, as a decent man would, pull'st the strap, + But lett'st the carriage fill with smoke + Till all but thou must choke. + + Why art thou anti-social thus, + Why dost thou differ so from us? + Thou pig! thou hippopotamus! + +I don't pretend to be satisfied with these lines. They are not strong, +not complete. Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS would have done it more fittingly. Still +they might do a little good somewhere, and every little helps. + + * * * * * + +OVERTIME. + + "The evidence was that defendants employed six young persons for + more than seven days a week."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The organist played as opening voluntaries the 'Bridal March' + from 'Lohengrin,' Barnaby's 'Bridal March' from 'Lohengrin,' and + Barnaby's 'Bridal March.'" + + _Provincial Paper._ + +It was evidently BARNABY's. Still, we think WAGNER might have been +mentioned as his collaborator. + + * * * * * + + "In the current number of the _Commonwealth_ Canon Scott Holland + in his own inimical manner endorses all that Mr. Carey has been + writing in our columns recently." + + _Clerical Paper._ + +The Canon appears to be one of those jolly people who slap you on the +back as if they would knock you down. + + * * * * * + +AT THE FRONT. + +Of recent days we have almost stopped pretending to be soldiers and +owned up to being civilian labourers lodged in the War zone. This is +felt so acutely that several leading privates have quite discarded that +absolute attribute of the infantryman, the rifle. They return from +working parties completely unarmed, discover the fact with a mild and +but half-regretful astonishment and report the circumstance to +section-commanders as if they had lost one round of small arms +ammunition or the last cube from an iron ration. + +The hobby of the civilian labourer is obstacle-racing. To do this you +require a dark night, the assistance of some Royal Engineers, an +appointment just behind the front line with some supervisor of labour +whom you don't know and don't specially want to, and a four-mile stretch +across country to the rendezvous. + +You start out at nightfall and do good time over the first hundred +yards. The field consists of forty to eighty labourers, and one of the +idle rich (formerly styled officers). At the hundred yards' mark the +Royal Engineers begin to come in. Obstacle 1 is a model trench, built +for instructional purposes and now being turned to obstructional +account. There's one place where you can get on to the parades without +swimming, and if we started by daylight we might strike it. We do not +start by daylight. + +Beyond the trench is a wire entanglement, also a fine specimen of early +1915 R.E. work. We may note in passing the trip wire eight yards beyond. +We're getting pretty good with it now, but in our early days the R.E. +used to get a lot of marks for it. + +You go on towards a couple of moated hedges, whimsically barbed in odd +spots, and emerge into a park or open space leading into an +unhealthy-looking road. It seems all plain sailing to the road--unless +you know the R.E., in which case you will not be surprised to find your +neck nearly bisected by a horizontal wire designed to encourage +telephonic communication. + +Eventually you all reach an area known for some obscure reason--if for +any at all--as "The Brigade." Here the R.E. have a new game waiting for +you. We call it "Hunt the Shovels." You have been instructed to draw +shovels from the Brigade. The term covers a space of some thousand +square metres intersected with hedges, bridges, rivers, dugouts, +horseponds (natural and adventitious), any square metre of which may +contain your shovels. + +If you are not behind time so far this is where you drop a quarter of an +hour. Of course you may just get fed up and go home. But in that case +you aren't allowed to play again, and as a matter of fact the game is +rather _de rigueur_ out here. So you hide your party behind a sign-post, +which tells you--if it were not too dark to read--INFANTRY MUST NOT HALT +HERE, and then a lance-corporal with a good nose for shovels looks +through the more likely hiding-places. The search is rendered pleasant +as well as interesting by the fact that all the Brigade has been trodden +into a morass by months of shovel-hunting. + +Beyond the Brigade the obstacles really begin. But if you use a revolver +freely for wire-cutting and rope your party together--this prevents +anyone sitting down by the wayside to take his boots off "because they +draws that bad"--you will reach the rendezvous assigned to you within an +hour of the time assigned to you. At this point you will learn that no +guide has been seen or heard of there, and, subsequently, that the guide +was warned for another square that certainly looks very similar on the +map. But again, if you know guides, you will guess that he went straight +to the spot where the job was to be done without bothering about +anything so intricate or superfluous as a rendezvous. Anyhow you will +probably end by getting some sort of casual labour somewhere, some time +or other, and no questions asked so long as you don't inadvertently dig +through from a main drain into a C.O.'s dugout. + +There is a new joke too, a Red Book, out of which we are gradually +becoming millionaires. It is full of comfortable claims and allowances +for gentlemen serving the KING overseas. The only thing is it takes a +bit of working out. There are so many channels of enrichment. Thus in +June--I forget the exact date--I spent a night in the train. Although I +had a bed and beer in bottles all the way from England, not to mention +usual meals and part use of doctor, I became entitled to one franc ten +centimes in lieu of something which I have now forgotten. (Authority, +W.O. Letter 2719.) Then a broken revolver is worth no less than +seventy-two shillings, but I have to collect autographs to get that +Unclaimed groom's allowance--I don't think my groom has claimed +it--comes to nearly four-and-sixpence; and I find I have been quite +needlessly getting my hair cut at my own expense these many months. + +And yet I am afraid that when have made it all out and got a chartered +accountant to account for it--that ought to mean a few pounds Chartered +Accountant allowance--my application will be returned to me because the +envelope is not that shade of mauve officially ordained for the +enclosure of Overseas Officers' Claims. + + * * * * * + +TO "LIFE" OF NEW YORK. + +(_In acknowledgment of its "John Bull Number."_) + + In earlier peaceful days your attitude + Was witty and satirical and shrewd, + But, whether you were serious or skittish, + Always a candid critic of things British, + Though, when you were unable to admire us, + _Life's_ "little ironies" were free from virus. + But since the War began your English readers + Have welcomed MARTIN's admirable leaders-- + Which prove that all that's honest, clean and wise + In the United States is pro-Allies-- + And learned to recognise in _Life_ a friend + On whom to reckon to the bitter end. + But these good services you now have crowned + By something finer, braver, more profound-- + Your "John Bull Number," where we gladly trace + Pride in the common glories of our race, + Goodwill, good fellowship, kind words of cheer, + So frank, so unmistakably sincere, + That we can find (in ARTEMUS'S phrase) + No "slopping over" of the pap of praise, + But just the sort of message that one brother + Would send in time of trial to another. + And thus, whatever comes of WILSON's Notes, + Of Neutral claims or of the tug for votes, + Nothing that happens henceforth can detract + From your fraternal and endearing act, + Which fills your cup of kindness brimming full, + And signals _Sursum corda_ to John Bull. + +(_The War Week by Week, as seen from New York. Being Observations from +"Life."_ By E.S. MARTIN.) + + * * * * * + + "The Chairman said he should like to appeal to the good sense of + the inhabitants of Duffield, through the Press, to do all they + could to darken their windows not only at the front of the + houses, but also at the back. + + The Clerk said the Council had no power to take action in this + matter only by persuasion, and it was decided that 500 leaflets + should be distributed by the lamplighters to each + house."--_Derbyshire Advertiser._ + +And with pulp so expensive, too! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE PLAY WITH A MORAL. + +[Illustration: _Characters in the Play._ + +Nancy Primrose. Richard Grenfield. Vera Vavasour.] + +[Illustration: Richard Grenfield, leaving his native village to seek his +fortune in London, bids adieu to Nancy Primrose, his rustic sweetheart. +He swears to be true to her.] + +[Illustration: Arrived in London, Richard speedily plunges into the gay +life of the great Metropolis. He makes the acquaintance of Vera +Vavasour, the famous actress and leader of the Smart Set. He entertains +her to tea at the Fitz Hotel.] + +[Illustration: In the meantime, all Nancy's relations having died, she +is thrown upon her own resources, and obtains a situation as kitchenmaid +at the Fitz. From a place of concealment she watches, with dismay, the +false behaviour of her former lover]. + +[Illustration: Richard, whose previous incursions into society had not +led him higher than A.B.C. shops, is unable to meet the bill. Vera +reveals herself in her true colours and refuses to offer monetary +assistance. The irate manager threatens to call in the police. Nancy to +the rescue!] + +[Illustration: Nancy, having with her hard-earned savings discharged the +bill, is clasped to his breast by Richard, who then and there abjures +the Smart Set and makes stern resolve never again to fall a victim to +"the Lure of London."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lieutenant_. "Nobody hurt? Then what the deuce are you +kicking up such a row for?" + +_Tommy._ "Well, Sir, look at the mess they bloomin' 'Uns 'ave made in +the trench just after I've swep' it up!"] + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL JUMBOMANIA. + + "The piano with a thirty-foot keyboard, forty-five octaves, and + five hundred and twenty-two keys, which Mr. Alfred Butt will + 'present' in 'Follow the Crowd' at the Empire Theatre, is now in + course of construction. Six pianists will play it, and Mr. + Irving Berlin, the composer of 'Watch Your Step,' is composing + some special melodies for them."--_Sunday Paper._ + +The new Bombastophone which the Titanola Company are constructing for +Mr. Boomer, the famous War lecturer, is approaching completion. This +remarkable instrument, which roughly resembles a double-bassoon, stands +about 45 feet high, and has a compass of 500 octaves, from the low B +flat _in profundissimo_ to the high G on the Doncaster St. Leger line. +The use that Mr. Boomer makes of the Bombastophone is very original and +effective. Whenever he sees that the attention of his audience is +flagging he introduces an interlude of "bombination," which renders +lethargy impossible and exercises an indescribably stimulating effect on +the tympanum. The current of air is supplied by a bellows operated by an +eight-cylinder Brome engine, but Mr. Boomer works the keys himself, +climbing up and down them with a rapidity which must be seen to be +appreciated. + +Another instrument which is expected to work a revolution in the realm +of sonority is the Clumbungo Drum, on which Mr. Wackford Bumpus will +shortly give a recital at the Albert Hall. The drum, which is made of +teak and rhinoceros hide, is three hundred feet in circumference, but +only twenty feet high, and the drumsticks are of proportionate length. +As Dr. Blamphin, the eminent aurist, remarks, "The merit of the notes of +this momentous instrument is their profound sincerity. They cannot be +disregarded even by the most absent-minded auditor." + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR AIR RAIDS. + +The War Office have issued a notice reminding the public that they are +greatly inconvenienced by persons who telephone for information during +the progress of an air raid. To avoid a repetition of the trouble the +attention of the public is called to the following information:-- + +(1) Elderly ladies may deposit their lap dogs in the bomb-proof shelter +erected for that purpose in the basement of the War Office buildings at +Whitehall, a charge of one penny per dog per raid being made. + +(2) Persons removed from the interior of motor omnibuses by the +explosion of bombs dropped by airships cannot claim from the Government +a refund of the fares paid by them. + +(3) Persons having reason to believe that an air raid is in progress are +requested to put on their hats before leaving the house, as it has been +ascertained that a hard hat is a substantial protection against falling +Zeppelins. + +(4) For the benefit of editors and others who are dissatisfied with the +precautions taken to cope with the Zeppelin peril, Messrs. Selfgrove & +Co. announce that their new Strafing Room will shortly be open to the +public. + +(5) As the force of a bomb explosion is largely in an upward direction, +those in the immediate vicinity of a dropping bomb are advised to assume +a recumbent position, in which they will enjoy the added advantage of +being indistinguishable from the pavement. + +(6) As theatre audiences are notoriously subject to panic, +actor-managers are earnestly requested to prepare beforehand some +suitable jest with which, in the event of a bomb entering the theatre, +the attention of the audience may be distracted. + + * * * * * + +A BLOW FOR THE CRESCENT. + +[Illustration: Sultan of Turkey. "ALL-HIGHEST, ERZERUM HAS FALLEN!" + +Kaiser. "GOTT--I SHOULD SAY, _ALLAH_--STRAFE RUSSLAND!"] + + * * * * * + +UNDERGROUND GAME. + +It was four o'clock on a wet wintry morning. + +Captain Blank executed an inadvertent double-shuffle on a greasy trench +plank and wondered vaguely why the rain should _always_ come from the +north-east. Presently a figure squelched up to him and halted. + +"'Tis Sergeant O'Hagan, Sorr," it whispered hoarsely. + +"Well, Sergeant, what is it?" + +"'Tis the sintry at Fosse 19, Sorr. He's reported quare noises in that +inimy sap beyant." + +"Been dreaming, I expect," muttered the Captain, and then added briskly, +"I think I'll have a listen myself. Go ahead, Sergeant." + +They made their way slowly along the uneven trench, past silent figures +reclining in various attitudes of ease or discomfort; past emplacements +where machine-guns and trench-mortars were innocently sleeping (with one +eye always open) or being overhauled by an expert night-nurse. +Eventually, by that instinct common to trench-dwellers and professional +poachers, they found themselves at Fosse 19, and with superlative +caution crept up to the sentry. + +"What's wrong?" whispered the Captain tersely. + +"Well, Sir," replied Private Blobbs, "I was standin' 'ere on listenin' +duty, when I 'ears somethink movin' very contagious, so I pops up me +'ead to 'ave a peep. Didn't see nothink, but I 'ears a pecooliar noise +like----There y'are, Sir." + +He broke off abruptly, and, borne upon the wind, came a series of +guttural murmurs. + +"Now wouldn't ut give one a quare shtart, that?" remarked Sergeant +O'Hagan, _sotto voce_. + +"Um-m," said the Captain thoughtfully. "I think Mr. Hamilton had better +have a look round." + +A few minutes later, having invaded the privacy of "Whortleberry Villa," +he was relentlessly prodding a bundle of waterproofs. + +"Come on, young fella!" he exclaimed when the bundle showed signs of +life; "bombin' party forward. Brother Bosch is playin' the piccolo just +outside Fosse 19." + +The Subaltern scrambled out of his wraps and, with incredible dispatch, +gathered together the Davids of his section. "All guaranteed," so he +boasted, "to hit the cocoanut every time." + +Accoutred with their infernal machines, the little band of hope passed +along the trench as silently as a party of Fenimore Cooper's +North-American Indians. + +"Yes, they're at home right enough," muttered the Subaltern, after a +cramped interval of breathless attention, "and fairly asking for it." + +He proceeded to make his dispositions with the skill and assurance of an +old hand. He was nearly nineteen. + +"We're going to stalk 'em this time," he whispered to the men; "you keep +on crawling till I say 'Go!' Then drop it on them quick." + +He slid over the parapet like an eel and disappeared into the night. In +a few moments the sentry was alone in the trench. His state of mind was, +from sheer excitement, almost insupportable. + +After what seemed interminable hours, at last he heard the clear word of +command, the clatter of things falling and the immediate roar of the +explosions. In reply, rifle fire began to break out along the German +first trenches, whilst, overhead, a star-shell burst into blossom; then +the stutter of machine-guns joined in the chorus. The sentry flattened +himself like a poultice against the side of the trench. Fosse 19 had, +among other disadvantages, the reputation of being open to enfilading by +machine-gun fire. + +The disturbance died away as quickly as it had arisen, but there were no +indications that the bombing party was returning. Private Blobbs danced +with futile impatience and bent his head to the approved angle of the +expert listener. Suddenly a heavy body took him in the nape of the neck. + +"Ow!" he exclaimed, floundering in mud and water with an unseen and +inconceivable presence. He clutched the nightmare of an ear and kicked +violently. + +"Look aht, Percy," enjoined a hollow but reassuring voice, "'ere comes +another!" + +Private Blobbs removed himself with remarkable agility..... + +"Good!" exclaimed the Subaltern when he finally slid into the trench. +"This expedition hasn't quite come up to expectations, but it's the +nicest family of pigs I've seen for some time." + +He flashed an electric torch on to the disordered carcasses. + +"Corporal Leary," he added incisively, "will you kindly see that the +officers' mess is served with fresh pork?" + +He snapped out the torch and, complete master of the situation, started +on the return journey to "Whortleberry Villa." + + * * * * * + +BRINGING THE WAR HOME TO US. + +Household Orders. + +By Mrs. EMMA PIPP, Commanding 3rd (Home Service) Battalion, The Fire +Guards. February 21st, 1916. + +_Detail_. Orderly Officer .... _Mary Ann_. + Next for duty.... _Sarah Jane_. + Charwoman of the day. . _Mrs. Susanna Sudds_. + +_Parade._ 9.30 Shopping march under the Commanding Officer. +Haversacks (for rations) will be carried. + +_Inspection._ 12.0 O.C. Pantry will inspect all beetle-traps in +her charge, and report if No. 13 (Kitchener pattern) has been +found. + +_Decrease Strength._ No. 4 Master T. Pipp, attached to Sea View +House School, Boyton, for discipline. + +_Promotion._ The Commanding Officer is pleased to approve of the +following promotions:--Under-housemaid Mary Jane, to be +Acting-Sergeant Housemaid; Miss Jones, Lady Nurse, to be Nursery +Governess. + +_Leave._ No. 1 Father Pipp granted six days' leave, inclusive of +two days for travelling. Credit with six days' ration allowance +at 1s. 9d. per diem. + +_Baths._ Baths will be available for the nursery on Saturday +evening from 6 to 7. O.C. Nursery will report that they have +been taken. + +_Signalling._ The Commanding Officer is pleased to announce that +at the Fortnightly Course of Glad Eye Signalling, No. 2 Gertie +Pipp gained a Flapper's Certificate. + +_Enquiry._ A Court of Enquiry will assemble on the 25th inst. +for the purpose of enquiring into the circumstances whereby the +wheel of No. 3 Perambulator became buckled on the 12th inst. + +O.C. Nursery will arrange for the presence of the necessary +witnesses, with the exception of No. 9 Baby Pipp, now teething. + +_General Inspection._ On the 1st prox., Uncle-General Towzer, +L.S.D., will hold an inspection of nephews and nieces at 5 +o'clock on the front parade lawn. + +_Dress:_ Best bibs and tuckers, with smiles. + + * * * * * + +A Hint for Slackers. + + "Drilling versus Broad-Casting Oats." + + _Scotsman._ + + * * * * * + + "The British Tropical Committee for War Films exhibited a + further series of pictures of the British Army in France at the + West-end Cinema House, Coventry-street, yesterday." + + _The Times._ + +Very hot stuff, no doubt! + + * * * * * + +From a description of Sir SAMUEL EVANS' "_lit de justice_":-- + + "Sir Samuel first heard one summons in camera, and then took two + months of a formal nature, the time occupied being less than + half an hour."--_Morning Paper._ + +How time does fly when one's happy. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED, Rehearse March 20, Comedian and Chambermaid. Light + Comedy (Refined Part, capable Good Drunken Scene)." + + _The Stage._ + +This is what is meant, no doubt, when people talk of "elevating" the +drama. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: FIRST STEPS TO VICTORY: A LEAD FROM OUR LEADERS. + +Striking example of war-time economy: Mr. Asquith and Mr. Mckenna split +a cigar.] + +_Tuesday, February 15th._--To the regret of all loyal citizens, the +curtain rang up at Westminster to-day without the now customary Royal +Overture. In the absence of HIS MAJESTY, the LORD CHANCELLOR delivered +the brief Speech from the Throne, expressing the unalterable +determination of the British people and their Allies to defeat the Power +(name not given but possibly conjecturable) "which mistakes force for +right and expediency for honour." To emphasise the unity of the nation +the Address was moved by the Unionist Earl of CLARENDON and seconded by +the Liberal Lord MUIR-MACKENZIE. It was agreed to in good time for +dinner. + +The Commons are not so economical of time. Mr. IAN MACPHERSON, who moved +the Address, made quite a long speech. Like _Hamlet_, it was chiefly +composed of quotations, but they were all quite apt, and as they ranged +from THUCYDIDES to BURKE, with BOLINGBROKE's _Patriot King_ thrown in, +they pleased the House, which likes these tributes to its erudition. The +seconder, in khaki, was Col. F. S. JACKSON, a new Member, who, like the +still-lamented ALFRED LYTTELTON, had made a reputation at Lord's ere +ever he essayed the Commons. "Jacker" found the new wicket not quite to +his liking at first, but afterwards scored freely. In congratulating the +outgoing batsman the PRIME MINISTER discovered unexpected knowledge of +cricket. "The Hon. Member," he said, "was making his maiden speech; but +I doubt if he has ever encountered a maiden over--except, perhaps, when +he was bowling." + +In the regretted absence of the Leader of the Opposition, Mr. +STUART-WORTLEY as Acting-CHAPLIN referred to the disintegration of +parties under the stress of war. Now they had only groups, some designed +to help the Government, some to "ginger" them. Mr. ASQUITH dwelt upon +the growing unity of control among the Allies, which would counteract +the advantage in this respect hitherto enjoyed by our foes; and noted +the amazing growth of the once "contemptible little" British Army. He +further reminded us that we had already incurred liabilities which it +would take us a generation to wipe out; and it was the first duty of +every patriotic citizen to practise rigid economy. + +All very well, said, in effect, Mr. WARDLE, the new leader of the Labour +Party; but, if the working classes are to save, the other classes must +set them the example. All very well, said Sir MARK SYKES, but if we are +going to win the war we must co-ordinate at home as well as abroad, and +abandon the idea of "muddling through." With experience of G.H.Q. and +four public departments, he asserted that the men were all right, but +the system all wrong; and that the proper thing was to adopt SULTAN +OMAR'S plan, and give the supreme control of the War to a Cabinet of not +more than four members, who with no administrative details to distract +them might be able to "teach the doubtful battle where to rage." + +The PRIME MINISTER listened with interest but without enthusiasm to this +suggestion. Probably he remembered that an essential part of OMAR's +scheme was that if the Four failed to agree they were to be promptly +hanged, and had himself no ambition to take part in a String Quartett. + +_Wednesday, February 16th._--The Trustees of the British Museum are for +the most part grave and reverend seniors. But they harbour at least one +humourist among them, in Captain HARRY GRAHAM. I suspect him of having +conceived the notion of choosing this moment, of all others, to frame a +petition to the House of Commons praying for more money to enable them +to fulfil their trust, and of getting Mr. LULU HARCOURT, himself a +member of the Government which is closing their galleries, to present +it. + +Sir HENRY DALZIEL is the leader of one of the "ginger groups" above +referred to. His first exploit in this capacity was to resist the +proposal of the Government to take all the time of the House. In his +demand that private Members should still be allowed the privilege of +introducing Bills and having them printed at the public expense, he had +the support of Mr. HOGGE, Mr. KING, Mr. PRINGLE, Mr. BOOTH, Sir WILLIAM +BYLES, and other statesmen of similar eminence; but the PRIME MINISTER +was obdurate. He accused the malcontents of lacking a sense of +perspective--and expressed the poorest opinion of their efforts at +legislation. + +Some of the private Members got their own back when the first amendment +to the Address was moved by Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS. The Member for Brentford, +who knows the alphabet of aviation from Aeroplane to Zeppelin, +complained that the air-service, like his own constituency in legendary +times, was under Dual Control, and urged that it should be placed under +a single competent chief. + +Neither the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR nor the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY +was at all happy in reply. They resembled a couple of flying pilots who, +having gone up to attack a hostile airship in the dark, search in vain +for an adequate landing-place. Heckled as to the exact status of Sir +PERCY SCOTT, for example, Mr. TENNANT could only say that he "is still +in the position he _was_ in." When Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITH ventured the +remark that a personal knowledge of flying would be a useful +qualification for officers advising the Government on this subject, Mr. +BALFOUR was as painfully surprised as if he himself had been called upon +to navigate a.t.b.d. in heavy weather. + +In the absence of any definite sign of repentance the critics of the +Government threatened a division, which would have been awkward and +might have been disastrous. In similar circumstances Mr. GLADSTONE used +to "send for the sledge-hammer"--meaning Mr. ASQUITH. The present PRIME +MINISTER, when hard pressed, sends for BONAR. Thus summoned to ride the +whirlwind the COLONIAL SECRETARY executed a graceful volplane. In a few +frank sentences he admitted that the Government were very far from being +satisfied with the Air Service, though it had achieved great things. +Further, they were willing to give another day for its discussion when +they had got through their financial business. With this confession and +promise the critics were for the time being appeased. + +_Thursday, February 17th._--This being the first day for which Questions +could be put down, Members took full advantage of the opportunity, and +propounded ninety-nine of them. Ministers displayed less enthusiasm, and +some of them were so late in arriving that the SPEAKER had to dodge +about all over the paper before the list was disposed of. Mr. GINNELL +was, as usual, well to the fore with silly rumours. There is perhaps a +subtle connection between cattle-driving and hunting for mare's nests. + +The pleasantest feature of Question time was the tribute paid (with hint +of more substantial rewards to come after the War) to the gallantry and +self-sacrifice of the officers and men of our mercantile marine. This +furnished an appropriate prelude to the subject of the ensuing debate. +Mr. PETO and others sought to press upon the Government the more +economical use of our merchant shipping. Here they were forcing an open +door. Steps have already been taken to restrict the imports of luxuries. +Ministers are unanimous, I believe, in regarding "ginger," for instance, +as an article whose importation might profitably be curtailed. + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Highlander and Zouave (_simultaneously_): "!!!"] + + * * * * * + +ECONOMY AT THE CINEMA DE LUXE. + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Jones (completing her fourth Hour_). "I used to +stay only two hours; but one 'as to make threepence go further these +days."] + + * * * * * + +HIGHLAND HOSPITALITY. + +It happened in Scotland--it couldn't have happened anywhere else. + +I had been visiting the MacNeils. They sympathised over my wound; they +rallied round with tea and toast; they provided Scotch whisky. My one +objection to the family was their supreme confidence in these +new-fledged lads of the Home Defence, whom I--as a Subaltern of the old +school who had done my time at Sandhurst before the War--scorned with a +dogged contempt which no degree of argument could kill. + +It was when I reached the street that I realised that fervid fire in the +soul of Scotch hospitality--a fire which brands it as unique in our +island story. In my coat pocket reposed a bottle of Heather Dew. + +The convalescent home where I was being wooed back to brisk health was +situated along the sea-front. Chuckling at the MacNeils' efforts to +modify my views of our Home Defenders and their inefficiency, and +brooding on the folks' kind hearts, I paused to light a cigarette. The +wind blew out the fluttering flame. It also set me sneezing, for I had a +bad cold in the head. I struck another match. + +"Hey!" said a voice suddenly behind me. I swerved, choking back a +sneeze. "Hey, hey, hey!" some broad Doric tongue continued. + +A heavy hand came plump on my shoulder; a large Highland face was pushed +into mine; a kilt flapped round long bare shanks. I sneezed again. + +"Got ye this time, lad!" announced the son of the North, who now +appeared to be a brawny lance-corporal. "Signallin' ye are. Oot to sea. +Ah saw ye blinkin' wi' a licht." + +I sneezed again. "I was'd!" I declared as well as the cold in my head +would allow. "It was a batch. I've dever sigdalled id by life. You're +wrog--quite wrog!" + +He gripped me firmly by the arm. + +"Dinna tell me!" he announced in conclusive tones. "Ah ken better! Ye're +the second spy Ah've cotched. Come along, ma freend Fritz! Ye'll hae the +job o' explainin' to the Colonel whaur ye got that second-lootenant's +uniform." + +Hunching his rifle over his shoulder, he marched me back the way I had +come. + +"Where are you takig be to?" I enquired thickly. "Take be to your +Cobbadig Officer at wudce. I wad to egsplaid!" + +"Ah'll hae nane o' your clavers," he said shortly. "Ye're for the +gaird-room. Dinna tell ma ye're no a German wi' a tongue like yon!" + +"I've god a gold id by head!" I shouted at him. "I'b dot a Gerbud! I'b +Lieutedad Dobsod----" + +"Haud yer tongue. Ye're a Chooton. An' ye're cotched. That's flat." + +I was bundled into a draughty cattle-shed. The door was slammed. I +sneezed. It was a bright prospect. I changed my views on the +inefficiency of our Home Defenders. They now appealed to me as violently +efficient. A night in a tumble-down cow-house! Desolation! Then I +brightened up: the MacNeils' whisky. The cork popped in the silence of +the night. + +The door opened. A sentry's head was poked round. Disregarding him, I +raised the bottle to my chattering teeth. Then the lance-corporal +appeared. With a sudden thought I offered him the bottle. A strange look +crept across his face. Gingerly he took the bottle. Then there was a +comfortable sound. He drew a hand across his mouth. + +"That's grrand," he said. "Beg pardon, Sir. It's been ma mistake. Jock, +the prisoner is a Scottish officer. Let him gang.... Thank ye, Sir; +thank ye for the whisky." + + * * * * * + + "The Germans ... a whole company being decimated, the only + survivors, a captain and seventy men, surrendering." + + _Pall Mall Gazette._ + +This indication that the normal strength of a German company is now only +79 is welcome news. + + * * * * * + + "The air defence of London is now practically under the control + of the home forces, of which Lord French is Commander-in-Chief, + and Admiral Lord French is Commander-in Chief, and Admiral the + gunnery defences of London."--_Provincial Paper._ + +So now we're all right. + + * * * * * + + "The spectacle of the snow-clad trees on the London Road, and in + other suburban districts, was pleasant to the eye, although it + made walking a trifle difficult."--_Leicester Mail._ + +It is our habit to discourage the dangerous practice of tree-gazing +while in motion. + + * * * * * + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +The Miracle. + +Once upon a time there was one Herbert. The doctor being unwilling to +pass him so that there was no chance that he, in the words of the great +joke, would "march too," he had taken a situation as a waiter. + +Englishmen (it is an axiom) do not make good waiters; nor was he an +exception. But he was conscientious and painstaking, although clumsy and +of short memory. Still, this was war-time, and Hans had gone to Germany +and might now be dead, and Fritz very properly was interned, and Josef +had sought Vienna once more, and Pasquale and Giuseppe had rejoined the +Italian flag, and the only foreigners left were a few nondescripts, very +volubly, indeed almost passionately, of Swiss nationality. In fact, if +this War has done nothing else it has at least established the fact that +the male population of Switzerland is far greater than any one had +supposed. Gallant little Switzerland! + +So you see this was Herbert's chance, and the manager was glad to get +him; and Herbert, who, owing to the slump in games, had lost his job at +an athletic sports factory and had certain financial liabilities which +he had long since abandoned any hope of meeting, was glad to come. Only, +by infinite self-denial and sacrifice did he get together the necessary +capital for his clothes and the deposit demanded from waiters against +breakages, theft and so forth. + +On his first day as one in charge of three or four tables Herbert made +some very serious mistakes. He was complained of for slowness, he turned +over a sauce-boat, he broke a glass, and he forgot to charge for the +cigar which the portly gentleman in the corner had taken after his +lunch. And this cigar was a half-crown Corona, for the portly gentleman +either had not yet grasped the full meaning of War economy or was +enjoying one of those periodical orgies to which even rigid economist +think themselves to be entitled. + +Already Herbert had, like _Alnaschar_ in the Eastern tale, spent +imagination far more than he could make all the week, and this blow, +with the manager's abuse to serve as salt in the wound, sent him home in +misery. Nor was it as if the portly gentleman was a regular customer who +could be reminded of the error (little as such reminding is to the taste +of regular customers); on the contrary, he had never been known to visit +the restaurant before. You see, then, how unhappily Herbert viewed life +as he lay awake in his attic that night, and very heavy were his feet on +his way to work the next day, with an overcoat buttoned up to his neck +to hide his evening dress. + +It was a cold rainy morning; the wind raged; and the very indifferent +soles of Herbert's boots absorbed moisture like blotting-paper. +Everything was against him. There was not a gleam of hope in the future, +not a ray of light. His companions were surly, the manager was venomous, +the bitter rain fell on. He was in debt and would get the sack. + +It was then that the miracle happened. Suddenly Herbert, who was gazing +forlornly through the window at this disconsolate world, waiting, napkin +on his arm, to begin to wait, heard a voice saying, "I'm afraid you +forgot to charge me for my cigar yesterday." It was the portly +gentleman. Life was not utterly hopeless any more. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_, "Ah, it'll take more than preaching +to make them Zeppelins repent!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BEST AIR "MINISTER." + + Who shall be Lord of the Air, + Now N. has seen fit to declare, + To his followers' deep despair, + That he can't conscientiously sit + In a Cabinet void of grit? + For CHURCHILL is tied to the Front, + And MARKHAM is out of the hunt, + And eloquent BERNARD VAUGHAN + From his pulpit can't be withdrawn. + + Who shall be Lord of the Air + And take us all under his care? + Why, ROBERTSON NICOLL, of course-- + A man of colossal force, + With a perfectly splendid gift + For soaring and moral uplift. + For, though nobody so uniquely + Can hearten _The British Weekly_, + His readers will cheerfully spare + Him to go and remain in the air, + Careering along the inane + In a Nicoll-plated plane + With, to lend him additional fervour, + Mr. G*RV*N as his "Observer." + + * * * * * + +THE MULE'S PARENTAGE. + +The Best Thing Yet Said of the 22. + + Mr. Gibson Bowles, at the City blockade meeting, on the + Coalition: "The Government did not swop horses. They made an + alliance with another animal; and the result is a mule without + pride of ancestry or hope of posterity."--_Evening News._ + +Incidentally the unkindest thing that has yet been said of the Unionists +who joined the late Ministry. + + * * * * * + + "There were further indications at the meeting of the Salop + County Council on Saturday of the Council's desire to economise + where possible. Dr. McCarthy drew attention to figures given in + the report of the County Medical Officer of Health showing a + diminution in the birth-rate of the county for the quarter to + the extent of 14 per cent." + + _Wellington Journal._ + +Economy of any kind is praiseworthy, but we think they might have begun +with one of the other rates. + + * * * * * + + "The domestic income of a more or less typical three-roomed + cottage near the docks is at present L17 per week. Among the + recent purchases of the family, a pianoforte, costing L50, may + be enumerated, although no one in the house can play a note. + This looks more wasteful than the common outlay on gramophones, + which at least give pleasure. The idea of sound investment is + slow in penetration among the suddenly affluent in wages." + + _Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury._ + +We dislike carping, but surely a piano is always a sound investment. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In fiction it is certainly true that nothing succeeds like success. +There is a sure and very understandable charm in a story of climbing +fortunes. Therefore it may be that part of my pleasure in _Tasker +Jevons_ (HUTCHINSON) was due to sympathy with the upward progress of its +hero. But much more was certainly due to the art with which Miss MAY +SINCLAIR has written about it. _Tasker Jevons_ is a book, and a +character, that will linger pleasantly in my memory. He was a little man +with a great personality, or rather I will say a great purpose, and that +was to approve himself in the eyes of the wife whom he worshipped, and +her perplexed, slightly contemptuous family. The trouble was that +_Tasker_ was in the beginning a hack journalist, socially and personally +impossible; and that _Viola Thesiger_, whom he married, belonged by +birth to the rigidest circle of Cathedral society (Miss SINCLAIR, +scorning subterfuge, calls it quite openly Canterbury). So you see the +difficulties that beset the _Jevons_ pair. Their story is told here, +very effectively, through the mouth of a third person, a +fellow-journalist and admirer of _Jevons_--but quite respectable--the +rejected suitor of _Viola_, and eventually the husband of her sister. +Through his clever and observant eyes we watch the progress of _Jevons_, +see him prospering materially, becoming famous and rich and vulgarized. +It is an unusually close and rather subtle study of the development of +such a man. Eventually there happens that for which the date, Midsummer +1914, will have prepared you, even if you had forgotten that Miss +SINCLAIR had herself served in Belgium with a field ambulance. So the +end of the book gives us some vivid War pictures. Taking it all round, I +am inclined to consider _Tasker Jevons_ the best of the 1916 novels that +has yet come my way. + + * * * * * + +When, in the first chapter of _Moll Davis_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN), you find +the heroine having a very pretty dispute with the landlord of the +Mischief Inn, and a gallant blade of a fellow coming to her rescue, you +will guess what fare is to follow. And, provided that your taste is for +diet of the lightest, you will not be disappointed, for no one is more +capable than Mr. BERNARD CAPES of making it palatable. Here we are then +back in the year 1661, and in a maze of intrigue. Wit, if we are to +believe the novelist, was as plentiful in those days as morals were +scarce, and Mr. CAPES is not the man to spoil tradition for lack of +colour. He calls his book a comedy, but he should have called it a +comedy with an interlude; and the part I like best is the interlude. +Possibly because he was weary of plots and counterplots he suddenly +breaks loose, and with a warning to those who have "an unconquerable +repugnance to sentiment" tells a moving tale that has nothing to do with +the main narrative. I can thank him unreservedly for this, and for the +crop of words which he has added to my vocabulary. "Bingawast," +"gingumbobs," and "fubbs" have the right ring, and after a little +training I hope to use them with telling effect on my platoon. + + * * * * * + +_Edith Ottley_ cherished a passion for _Aylmer Ross_; to such an extent +indeed that she came within an ace of eloping with him. However, the ace +wasn't played; and in due course _Aylmer_ went to the War and became a +captain. Unfortunately he also became much more interesting by reason of +a wound; and, when this brought him back to England, the passion also +returned, stronger than ever. This, of course, is why their story is +called _Love at Second Sight_ (GRANT RICHARDS). I have now a small +surprise for you, namely that _Edith_ was already married, and owned a +charming house, a valetudinarian husband and two pleasant children. So I +quite expected that _Aylmer_, in the fulness of time, would either (1) +be removed by the enemy, or (2) marry a delightful little Red-Cross +nurse who adored him. But the author, Mrs. LEVERSON, had other views. +Instead therefore of ending her heroine in the expected mood of +conventional reconciliation she sends the objectionable husband off with +somebody else, and leaves us to a prospect of wedding-bells with the +divorce court as a preliminary. Which is at least original. But +throughout I had the feeling that a great deal of bright and clever +writing was being wasted on a poor theme. The characters are brilliantly +suggested, but--with perhaps one exception, forgetful _Lady Conroy_, who +is an entire delight--they seem altogether unworthy of it. In fact I +came away from the book with the impression of having attended a +gathering of somewhat shoddily smart people, and sat next to a clever +woman who had been witty about them. The worst of the matter is that +they are all so real. This is a tribute to the author, but a most +unpleasant reflection for everyone else. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The Rector. "Well, William, you ought to be proud and +happy to know you have four sons serving their country with His +Majesty's Forces." + +William. "I am proud and happy, Sir, but the old woman she do fret +somethin' terrible because none of 'em ain't got no Victoria Cross +yet."] + + * * * * * + +My attention was first attracted to _The New Dawn_ (LONG) by the fact +that the plot starts at Euston Station. That interesting, not to say +romantic, line, the L. & N. W. R., is usually shunned by our novelists. +But although "GEORGE WOVIL" takes his characters to the furthest North, +even beyond Glasgow, their sympathies, like, I think, those of their +creator, remain behind in fair and false and fickle Wimbledon. This at +least was where _Halvey Brown_ wished himself as the train glided over +the best laid track in Europe towards dour Bartocher. And _Brown_, +though he knew the natural drabness of his destination already, had at +that time no information as to all the unpleasing events that were to +happen there; that, for example, the minister's new wife would turn out +to be a lady with a past that he himself had shared, or that the +fair-haired young man in the same compartment was the assistant +minister, who would fall in love with the said wife and eventually slay +her, the minister, and himself. I find I have been led into betraying +for you the outline of the story. Perhaps, however, this does not +greatly matter. The value of the book lies in its very natural and human +characters. All four of them--there are only four who really matter--are +admirably drawn, so that the tragedy of their lives holds and convinces +you. My complaints against the author are, first, the excess of emphasis +that he gives to the physical unpleasantness of his background; +secondly, the loose construction that allows the tale to be continually +turning back to look behind it. He would keep a lover in the act of +embracing the lady of his heart while he explains what the parents of +each died of, and all that has happened since. Still, _The New Dawn_ +remains an unconventional and strongly written story, which will +certainly interest though perhaps hardly enliven you. + + * * * * * + +There is something very soothing in the peeps into dusty family papers +and the faint echoes of departed gossip which Mrs. STIRLING provides in +_A Painter of Dreams_ (LANE). These pleasantly amateurish historical +studies go back a century and a half. A commonplace book from which are +quoted many diverting and incredible things; a chapter in which those +queer Radicals, HORNE TOOKE, COBBETT, Sir FRANCIS BURDETT and bluff +Squire BOSVILLE, are chiefly concerned; a sketch of the fourth Earl of +ALBEMARLE, keen farmer and friend of COKE of Norfolk, Master of the +Horse to WILLIAM IV. and QUEEN VICTORIA (it is to ALBEMARLE in this +capacity that the IRON DUKE said: "The Queen can make you go inside the +coach, or outside the coach, or run behind it like a d----d tinker's +dog"), winner of the Ascot Gold Cup three years running and stiff-backed +autocrat; an account of the beautiful Misses CATON of Baltimore and +their matrimonial adventures--the American invasion of brides bringing +money and beauty in exchange for titles thus dating back to 1816; some +details of the lives of two artists, JOHN HERRING, animal painter, and +RODDAM SPENCER STANHOPE, one of the lesser pre-Raphaelites and the +painter of dreams referred to in the title--these all make up an +agreeable pot-pourri with an old-world fragrance which ought to be able +to charm you out of the preposterous nightmare of the present. But it +makes one feel old to see that the conscientious author thinks that +DICKY DOYLE now needs a footnote to let the present generation know who +he was. + + * * * * * + +From the Catalogue of a V.T.C. Tailor. + + "'I am,' a V.T.C. Secretary writes, 'in correspondence with the + undertaker, and hope at last to induce the War Office to + recognise us by sending a representative to attend our funeral + rites.'" + + * * * * * + + "One man of four who escaped the bombs."--_Morning Paper._ + +A little too old for the baby-killers. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Sumner on the Need for Self-Sacrifice. + + 'If the House of Lords and the House of Commons could be taken + and thrown into a volcano every day the loss represented would + be less than the daily cost of the campaign.'"--_The Times._ + +It sounds a drastic remedy, but might be worth trying. + + * * * * * + + "Lemons, used largely for making demonade, have a medicinal + value."--_Daily Paper._ + +We know nothing of the drinks popular in the lower regions, but have +always heard that the nectarines used for making nectar have a strong +tonic effect. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +150, FEBRUARY 23, 1916*** + + +******* This file should be named 22697.txt or 22697.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22697 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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