initial commit of ebook 22697HEADmain

1 files changed, 1971 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/22697.txt b/22697.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f15f656
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22697.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1971 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+February 23, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, February 23, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 21, 2007  [eBook #22697]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, FEBRUARY 23, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22697-h.htm or 22697-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22697/22697-h/22697-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22697/22697-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+FEBRUARY 23, 1916.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The threatened shortage of paper has led a few unkind persons to enquire
+upon what our diplomatic victories are hereafter to be achieved.
+
+       ***
+
+An interned German was recently given a week's freedom in which to get
+married, and the interesting question has now been raised as to whether
+his children, when they reach the age of twenty-one, will be liable to
+the Conscription Act or will have to be interned as alien enemies.
+
+       ***
+
+According to Miss ELLEN TERRY but little attention has been given by the
+critics to the letters in SHAKSPEARE'S plays. We rather thought that one
+of Germany's intelligent young professors had recently subjected the
+letters to a searching analysis, the result being to establish beyond a
+reasonable doubt that England started the War.
+
+       ***
+
+From _The Observer_:--
+
+    "The King has sent a congratulatory letter to Mrs. Mann of
+    Nottingham, who has nine sons serving in the Army and Navy. This
+    is believed to be a record for one working-class family."
+
+Though a mere bagatelle, of course, for the idle rich.
+
+       ***
+
+We regret to read of the death from tuberculosis of one of the most
+popular and playful of the Zoological Society's crocodiles. Death is
+said to have been hastened by a severe chill contracted by the
+intelligent reptile as the result of leaving off a warm undervest, the
+gift of an elderly female admirer, in order to pursue, in jest, of
+course, the keeper of the reptile house down a drain.
+
+       ***
+
+A Persian newspaper entitled _Kaveh_ is now being published in Berlin
+for the purpose of increasing popular interest in Persian affairs. Its
+title is short for "_Kaveh kanem_!" (Beware of the Bulldog!)
+
+       ***
+
+Women who have volunteered to do agricultural work in place of men
+called to the colours will wear a green armlet, green being selected in
+preference to red on account of the possibility of cows.
+
+       ***
+
+The proposal that wives whose husbands, though of military age, have not
+attested under the Derby Act shall be allowed to wear a ribbon on the
+left arm to signify that it is not their fault, is said to have received
+considerable support.
+
+       ***
+
+There is no pleasing everybody. Last week Mr. TENNANT told the House of
+Commons that hereafter "the Navy would undertake to deal with all
+hostile aircraft attempting to reach this country, while the Army
+undertook to deal with all aircraft which reached these shores." And now
+the Horse Marines are asking bitterly why they are not to be permitted
+to share in the great work.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: ONLY TO THINK THAT KAISER WILHELM, COUNT ZEPPELIN, VON
+TIRPITZ, AND CROWN PRINCE WILLIE ALL LOOKED LIKE THIS ONCE!
+
+OUGHT WE TO GROW UP?]
+
+       ***
+
+The German Government has put restrictions on the sale of sauerkraut,
+and a hideous rumour is afoot to the effect that they are preparing to
+use it on the prisoners by forcible feeding.
+
+       ***
+
+It is said of the Chicago meat-packers that they use every part of the
+pig except the squeal. As the result of the restriction put upon wood
+pulp an equally economical process is to be applied to our old
+newspapers.
+
+       ***
+
+    "Several new records were established at the Geelong wool sales,
+    including 20d. for greasy merino lambs.--_Reuter_."
+
+This revival of the ancient pastime of chasing the greasy lamb will be
+of interest to antiquarians.
+
+       ***
+
+From The _Irish Times_: "Wanted Lad as assistant plumber. _Experience
+not necessary_." After all there is something to be said for the ravages
+of war.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ERZERUM: A SET-BACK IN THE HOLY WAR.
+
+Kaiser to Sultan
+
+  My Moslem brother, this is sad, sad news,
+    So sad that I permit myself to mention
+  How much it modifies my sanguine views
+      Of Allah's intervention.
+
+  In that combine for holy ends and high
+    Of which I let him figure as the joint head
+  I must (between ourselves) confess that I
+      Am gravely disappointed.
+
+  Without his help I did the Balkan stunt,
+    But when I left him to his own devices
+  To operate upon a local front
+      He failed me at the crisis.
+
+  I could not run the show in every scene,
+    Not all at once; and Caucasus was chilly--
+  Fifty degrees of frost, which would have been
+      Bad for the health of WILLIE.
+
+  And then to think that he should let me down
+    When I was sore in need of heavenly comfort,
+  Making the Christian free of Erzerum town,
+      Which, as you know, is "some" fort.
+
+  Not that I mind the mere material loss,
+    But poor Armenia, hitherto quiescent,
+  Who sees the barbarous brigands of the Cross
+      Trampling her trusted Crescent!
+
+  True, you have spared the major part this pain,
+    But for the remnant, who escaped your heeding,
+  My heart (recovered, thank you, from Louvain),
+      Once more has started bleeding.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY WAR STORIES.
+
+Did you ever try to write War stories? I am not alluding to Press
+telegrams from Athens, Amsterdam or Copenhagen, but legitimate magazine
+fiction. Once I was reasonably competent and could rake in my modest
+share of War profits. But recently Clibbers, of the International
+Fiction Syndicate, approached me and said, "Old man, do me some War
+stuff. Anything you like, but it must have a novel climax."
+
+"Not in a War story," I protested.
+
+"Can you deliver the goods?" said Clibbers sternly.
+
+After that what could I do but alter the stories I had in stock.
+
+For example there was my fine story, "Retrieved." The innocent convict
+(would that I had the happy innocence of the convict of fiction!)
+emerges from Portmoor. In a few well-chosen words the genial old prison
+governor (to avoid libel actions I hasten to say that no allusion is
+made to any living person) advises the released man to make a new
+career. The convict marches to the recruiting office and enlists. In a
+couple of paragraphs he is at the Front; on the second page he saves the
+Colonel's life, captures a German trench on page three, and in less time
+than it takes to do it gains the V.C., discovers the villain dying
+repentant with a full confession in his left puttee, and embraces the
+girl who chanced to be Red-Crossing in the rear of the German
+position--presumably having arrived there by aeroplane. This seemed to
+me both probable and credible in a magazine. Still a novel climax was
+needed. After the few well-chosen words from the prison governor I took
+the convict to the nearest public-house, let him discover that the new
+restrictions were in force, and brought the story to a novel conclusion
+by making him say with oaths to the recruiting officer that he would be
+jiggered if ever he formed fours for such a rotten old country.
+
+I thought that, at any rate, I had provided one surprise for my readers.
+Then I turned to my psychological study, entitled "The Funk." There
+wasn't much story in this, but a good deal about a man's sensations when
+in danger. I could picture the horror of it from personal experience,
+for my rear rank man has nearly brained me a dozen times when the
+specials have bayonet drill (I also have nearly brained--but I am
+wandering from the subject). Well, the Funk at the critical moment ran
+away, but, being muddled by German gas clouds, ran straight into the
+German lines. He thought that people were trying to intercept his
+flight. In panic he cut them down. At the last moment he cut the CROWN
+PRINCE'S smile in twain. (In fiction, mark you, it is quite allowable to
+put the CROWN PRINCE into the firing line). Then came glory, the D.C.M.
+and a portrait of some one else with the Funk's name attached in _The
+Daily Snap_. However, novelty was needed. I concluded by leaving the
+Funk hiding in a dug-out when the British charged and eating the
+regiment's last pot of strawberry jam.
+
+I turned to another romance, entitled "Secret Service," and found to my
+joy that this needed very little alteration. The hero chanced to be in
+Germany at the outset of the war. He was imprisoned at Ruhleben,
+Potsdam, Dantzic, Frankfort and Wilhelmshaven. He escaped from these
+places by swimming the Rhine (thrice), the Danube, the Meuse, the Elbe,
+the Vistula, the Bug, the Volga, the Kiel Canal and Lake Geneva. He
+chloroformed, sandbagged, choked and gagged sentinels throughout the
+length and breadth of Germany. From under a railway carriage seat he
+overheard a conversation between ENVER BEY and BERNHARDI. Concealed
+beneath a pew at a Lutheran church he heard COUNT ZEP. and VON TIRP.
+exchanging deadly secrets. Finally he emerged from a grandfather's clock
+as the KAISER was handing the CROWN PRINCE some immensely important
+documents, snatched them, stole an aeroplane, bombed a Zeppelin or two
+on his homeward way, and landed exhausted at Lord KITCHENER'S feet. Here
+came the change. Instead of opening the parcel to discover the plans of
+the German staff, the WAR SECRETARY found in his hand this document:--
+
+"Sausage Prices in Berlin: Pork Sausage, 3 marks 80 pf.; Horse Sausage,
+3 marks 45 pf.; Dog Sausage, 2 marks 95 pf. Gott mit uns.--WILHELM."
+
+I sent the three romances to Clibbers and waited his reply with anxiety.
+It came promptly and as follows:--"Are you mad?--CLIBBERS."
+
+Instantly I sent him the first versions of these magnificent fictions.
+He phoned me at once, "That's the kind of novelty I want. Send me some
+more."
+
+You will see "Retrieved," "The Funk," and "Secret Service" in the
+magazines shortly. Don't trouble if the titles differ. After all, there
+are only three genuine War story plots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE STORIES OF OLD LONDON.
+
+(With acknowledgments to "_The Evening News_.")
+
+Mr. George Washington Turpin, Islington, writes:--
+
+    "I wonder if Mr. G. R. Sims remembers a curious horsey character
+    known as John Gilpin, who rode in state one day from his home in
+    the City to the Bell at Edmonton. I shall never forget the crowd
+    that assembled to see him pass through Islington. It's quite a
+    while ago and my memory is not so clear as it might be, but
+    being a bit of a road-hog he missed the Bell and went on to York
+    or somewhere."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DUAL CONTROL.
+
+[Illustration: "A KIND OF A GIDDY HARUMFRODITE--SOLDIER AN' SAILOR TOO."
+
+_Rudyard Kipling_.
+
+"Sir PERCY SCOTT has not quite left the Admiralty and has not quite
+joined the War Office."--_Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITH, in the House_. Since this
+remark Lord KITCHENER, has announced that the Admiral is to act as
+expert adviser to Field-Marshal Lord FRENCH, who is taking over the
+responsibility for home defence against aircraft.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SIMMERERS.
+
+"I shall never shake it off," said Francesca. It was six o'clock and she
+had just come in from having tea with some friends.
+
+"Shake what off?" I said.
+
+"My Cimmerian gloom," she said. "Haven't you noticed it?"
+
+"No," I said, "I can't say I have. Perhaps if you stood with your back
+to the light--yes, there's just a _soupcon_ of it now, but nothing that
+I could honestly call Cimmerian."
+
+"Of course you'd be sure to say that. I can never get you to believe in
+my headaches, and now you won't notice my Cimmerian gloom."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "I do not like to hear you speak lightly of your
+headaches. To me they are sacred institutions, and I should never dare
+to tamper with them. Don't I always walk on tiptoe and speak in a
+whisper when you have a headache? You know I do, even when you don't
+happen to be in the room. If your gloom is the same sort of thing as
+your headache----"
+
+"It's much worse."
+
+"If it's only as bad I'm prepared to give it a most respectful welcome.
+But what is it all about?"
+
+"It's about the War."
+
+"God bless my soul, you don't say so. You're generally so cheerful about
+it and so hopeful about our winning. What _has_ happened to give you the
+hump? We've blown up any amount of mines and occupied the craters, and
+we've driven down several German aeroplanes."
+
+"Yes, I know," she said, "I admit all that; but I've just met Mrs.
+Rowley."
+
+"And a very cheery little party she is, too."
+
+"That," said Francesca, "is just it."
+
+"What's just what?" I said.
+
+"Don't be so flippant."
+
+"And don't you be so cryptic. What's Mrs. Rowley's cheerfulness done to
+you?"
+
+"I'll tell you how it happened," she said. "We met; 'twas at a tea, and
+first of all we talked about committees."
+
+"Committees!" I said. "How glorious! Are there many?"
+
+"Yes," she said. "There's the old Relief Committee, and the Belgian
+Committee, and the Soldiers' Comforts' Committee, and the Hospital
+Visitors' Committee, and the Children's Meals' Committee, and the
+Entertainments' Committee and the----"
+
+"Enough," I said. "I will take the rest for granted. But isn't there a
+danger that with all these committees----?"
+
+"I know," she said; "you're going to say something about overlapping."
+
+"Your insight," I said, "is wonderful. How did you know?"
+
+"I've noticed," she said, "that when men form committees they always
+declare that there sha'n't be any overlapping, and then, according to
+their own account, they get to work and all overlap like mad. Now we
+women don't worry about overlapping. Most of us don't know what it
+means--I don't myself--but we appoint presidents and treasurers and
+secretaries, and then we go ahead and do things. If we were only left to
+ourselves we should never call a meeting of any committee after we'd
+once started it. It's the men who insist on committees meeting."
+
+"Yes, and on keeping them from breaking their rules."
+
+"What's the use of having committees if you can't break their silly old
+rules?"
+
+"Amiable anarchist," I said, "let us abandon committees and return to
+Mrs. Rowley."
+
+"Well," she said, "we soon got on to the War."
+
+"You might easily do that," I said. "The subject has its importance.
+What does Mrs. Rowley think of it?"
+
+"Mrs. Rowley thinks it's all perfectly splendid. She hasn't the least
+doubt about anything. She knows the uncle of a man whose cousin is in
+the War Office and often sees Lord KITCHENER in the corridors, and he's
+quite certain----"
+
+"Who? Lord KITCHENER?"
+
+"No, the uncle of the man whose cousin--he's quite certain the War will
+be over in our favour before next June, because there'll be a revolution
+in Potsdam and thousands of Germans are being killed in bread-riots
+every day, and lots of stuff of that sort."
+
+"I understand," I said. "You began to react against it."
+
+"Something of that kind. She was so terribly serene and so dreadfully
+over-confident that I got contradictious and had to argue with
+her--simply couldn't restrain myself--and then she said she was sorry I
+was such a pessimist, and I said I wasn't, and here I am."
+
+"Yes," I said, "you are, and in a state of Cimmerian gloom, naturally
+enough. But you've come to the right place--no, by Jove, now that I
+think of it you've come to the wrong place, the very wrongest place in
+the world."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"Because I met old Captain Burstall out walking, and he was miserable
+about everything. According to him we haven't got a dog's chance
+anywhere. The Government's rotten, the Army's rotten, the Navy's worse
+and the British Empire's going to be smashed up before Easter."
+
+"Captain Burstall's the man for my money. If I'd only met him I should
+have been as cheerful as a lark."
+
+"And that," I said, "is exactly what I am, entirely owing to a natural
+spirit of contradiction. I just pulled myself together and countered him
+on every point."
+
+"I daresay you did it very well," she said; "but if you're as
+cock-a-hoop as you make out I don't see how I'm ever to get rid of my
+depression. I shall be starting to contradict _you_ next."
+
+"Which," I said, "will be an entirely novel experience for both of us.
+But I'll tell you a better way; let's keep silent for ten minutes and
+simmer back to our usual condition of reasonable hopefulness."
+
+"I can't promise silence," she said, "but I'll back myself against the
+world as a simmerer."
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jarge (on a visit to London)._ "Let's go oop past th'
+War Office, Maria. We might see Kitchener."
+
+_Maria_. "We'll do nothin' o' th' sort. More'n likely you two'd get
+talkin' an' we'd miss our train."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE to the Slackers:--
+
+    "Dishonour not your mothers; now attest." _Henry V., Act III.,
+    Scene I_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Joan (reading)._ "It says here that this war is
+Armagideon, and the end as the would is fixed for the beginning of
+April."
+
+_Darby._ "There, now! I always said the Kaiser would wriggle out of it
+somehow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER AIR SCANDAL.
+
+If ever I write a Hymn of Hate, or, at any rate, of resentment, it will
+not be about the Germans, but about a certain type of Englishman whom I
+encounter far too often and shall never understand. The Germans are now
+beyond any hymning, however fervent; they are, it is reassuring to
+think, a class by themselves. But my man should be hymned, not because
+it will do him any good, but because it relieves my feelings.
+
+It is really rather a curious case, for he might be quite a nice fellow
+and, I have little doubt, often is; but he boasts and flaunts an inhuman
+insensibility that excites one's worst passions.
+
+What would you say was the quality or characteristic most to be desired
+in every member of our social common-wealth? Obviously there is only one
+reply to this question: that he should be decently susceptible to
+draughts. If society is to go on, either we must all be so
+pachydermatous as to be able to disregard draughts, or we must feel them
+and act accordingly. There should not be here and there a strange
+Ishmaelite creature whose delight it is to be played upon by boreal
+blasts. But there is. I meet him in the train, and the other day I
+hymned him.
+
+O thou (my hymn of dislike, of annoyance, of remonstrance began):--
+
+  O thou, the foe of comfort, heat,
+  O thou who hast the corner seat,
+  Facing the engine, as we say
+  (Although it is so far away,
+    And in between
+    So many coaches intervene,
+  The phrase partakes of foolishness);--
+  O thou who sittest there no less,
+  Keeping the window down
+  Though all the carriage frown,
+    Why dost thou so rejoice in air?
+  Not air that nourishes and braces,
+  Such as one finds in watering-places,
+    But air to chill a polar bear--
+  Malignant air at sixty miles an hour
+    That rakes the carriage fore and aft,
+  Wherein we cower;
+    Not air at all, but sheer revengeful draught!
+  How canst thou like it? Say! How canst thou do it?
+
+  Thou even read'st a paper through it!
+
+  Know'st thou no pain?
+    Sciatica or rheumatism
+    Leading to balm or sinapism?
+  Doth influenza pass thee by?
+  Hast never cold or bloodshot eye
+  Like ordinary Christian folk
+    Who sit in draughts against their will
+    And pray they'll not be ill?
+  Even in tunnels (this is past a joke)
+  Thou car'st no rap
+  Nor, as a decent man would, pull'st the strap,
+  But lett'st the carriage fill with smoke
+  Till all but thou must choke.
+
+  Why art thou anti-social thus,
+  Why dost thou differ so from us?
+  Thou pig! thou hippopotamus!
+
+I don't pretend to be satisfied with these lines. They are not strong,
+not complete. Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS would have done it more fittingly. Still
+they might do a little good somewhere, and every little helps.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERTIME.
+
+    "The evidence was that defendants employed six young persons for
+    more than seven days a week."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The organist played as opening voluntaries the 'Bridal March'
+    from 'Lohengrin,' Barnaby's 'Bridal March' from 'Lohengrin,' and
+    Barnaby's 'Bridal March.'"
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+It was evidently BARNABY's. Still, we think WAGNER might have been
+mentioned as his collaborator.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the current number of the _Commonwealth_ Canon Scott Holland
+    in his own inimical manner endorses all that Mr. Carey has been
+    writing in our columns recently."
+
+    _Clerical Paper._
+
+The Canon appears to be one of those jolly people who slap you on the
+back as if they would knock you down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FRONT.
+
+Of recent days we have almost stopped pretending to be soldiers and
+owned up to being civilian labourers lodged in the War zone. This is
+felt so acutely that several leading privates have quite discarded that
+absolute attribute of the infantryman, the rifle. They return from
+working parties completely unarmed, discover the fact with a mild and
+but half-regretful astonishment and report the circumstance to
+section-commanders as if they had lost one round of small arms
+ammunition or the last cube from an iron ration.
+
+The hobby of the civilian labourer is obstacle-racing. To do this you
+require a dark night, the assistance of some Royal Engineers, an
+appointment just behind the front line with some supervisor of labour
+whom you don't know and don't specially want to, and a four-mile stretch
+across country to the rendezvous.
+
+You start out at nightfall and do good time over the first hundred
+yards. The field consists of forty to eighty labourers, and one of the
+idle rich (formerly styled officers). At the hundred yards' mark the
+Royal Engineers begin to come in. Obstacle 1 is a model trench, built
+for instructional purposes and now being turned to obstructional
+account. There's one place where you can get on to the parades without
+swimming, and if we started by daylight we might strike it. We do not
+start by daylight.
+
+Beyond the trench is a wire entanglement, also a fine specimen of early
+1915 R.E. work. We may note in passing the trip wire eight yards beyond.
+We're getting pretty good with it now, but in our early days the R.E.
+used to get a lot of marks for it.
+
+You go on towards a couple of moated hedges, whimsically barbed in odd
+spots, and emerge into a park or open space leading into an
+unhealthy-looking road. It seems all plain sailing to the road--unless
+you know the R.E., in which case you will not be surprised to find your
+neck nearly bisected by a horizontal wire designed to encourage
+telephonic communication.
+
+Eventually you all reach an area known for some obscure reason--if for
+any at all--as "The Brigade." Here the R.E. have a new game waiting for
+you. We call it "Hunt the Shovels." You have been instructed to draw
+shovels from the Brigade. The term covers a space of some thousand
+square metres intersected with hedges, bridges, rivers, dugouts,
+horseponds (natural and adventitious), any square metre of which may
+contain your shovels.
+
+If you are not behind time so far this is where you drop a quarter of an
+hour. Of course you may just get fed up and go home. But in that case
+you aren't allowed to play again, and as a matter of fact the game is
+rather _de rigueur_ out here. So you hide your party behind a sign-post,
+which tells you--if it were not too dark to read--INFANTRY MUST NOT HALT
+HERE, and then a lance-corporal with a good nose for shovels looks
+through the more likely hiding-places. The search is rendered pleasant
+as well as interesting by the fact that all the Brigade has been trodden
+into a morass by months of shovel-hunting.
+
+Beyond the Brigade the obstacles really begin. But if you use a revolver
+freely for wire-cutting and rope your party together--this prevents
+anyone sitting down by the wayside to take his boots off "because they
+draws that bad"--you will reach the rendezvous assigned to you within an
+hour of the time assigned to you. At this point you will learn that no
+guide has been seen or heard of there, and, subsequently, that the guide
+was warned for another square that certainly looks very similar on the
+map. But again, if you know guides, you will guess that he went straight
+to the spot where the job was to be done without bothering about
+anything so intricate or superfluous as a rendezvous. Anyhow you will
+probably end by getting some sort of casual labour somewhere, some time
+or other, and no questions asked so long as you don't inadvertently dig
+through from a main drain into a C.O.'s dugout.
+
+There is a new joke too, a Red Book, out of which we are gradually
+becoming millionaires. It is full of comfortable claims and allowances
+for gentlemen serving the KING overseas. The only thing is it takes a
+bit of working out. There are so many channels of enrichment. Thus in
+June--I forget the exact date--I spent a night in the train. Although I
+had a bed and beer in bottles all the way from England, not to mention
+usual meals and part use of doctor, I became entitled to one franc ten
+centimes in lieu of something which I have now forgotten. (Authority,
+W.O. Letter 2719.) Then a broken revolver is worth no less than
+seventy-two shillings, but I have to collect autographs to get that
+Unclaimed groom's allowance--I don't think my groom has claimed
+it--comes to nearly four-and-sixpence; and I find I have been quite
+needlessly getting my hair cut at my own expense these many months.
+
+And yet I am afraid that when have made it all out and got a chartered
+accountant to account for it--that ought to mean a few pounds Chartered
+Accountant allowance--my application will be returned to me because the
+envelope is not that shade of mauve officially ordained for the
+enclosure of Overseas Officers' Claims.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO "LIFE" OF NEW YORK.
+
+(_In acknowledgment of its "John Bull Number."_)
+
+  In earlier peaceful days your attitude
+  Was witty and satirical and shrewd,
+  But, whether you were serious or skittish,
+  Always a candid critic of things British,
+  Though, when you were unable to admire us,
+  _Life's_ "little ironies" were free from virus.
+  But since the War began your English readers
+  Have welcomed MARTIN's admirable leaders--
+  Which prove that all that's honest, clean and wise
+  In the United States is pro-Allies--
+  And learned to recognise in _Life_ a friend
+  On whom to reckon to the bitter end.
+  But these good services you now have crowned
+  By something finer, braver, more profound--
+  Your "John Bull Number," where we gladly trace
+  Pride in the common glories of our race,
+  Goodwill, good fellowship, kind words of cheer,
+  So frank, so unmistakably sincere,
+  That we can find (in ARTEMUS'S phrase)
+  No "slopping over" of the pap of praise,
+  But just the sort of message that one brother
+  Would send in time of trial to another.
+  And thus, whatever comes of WILSON's Notes,
+  Of Neutral claims or of the tug for votes,
+  Nothing that happens henceforth can detract
+  From your fraternal and endearing act,
+  Which fills your cup of kindness brimming full,
+  And signals _Sursum corda_ to John Bull.
+
+(_The War Week by Week, as seen from New York. Being Observations from
+"Life."_ By E.S. MARTIN.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Chairman said he should like to appeal to the good sense of
+    the inhabitants of Duffield, through the Press, to do all they
+    could to darken their windows not only at the front of the
+    houses, but also at the back.
+
+    The Clerk said the Council had no power to take action in this
+    matter only by persuasion, and it was decided that 500 leaflets
+    should be distributed by the lamplighters to each
+    house."--_Derbyshire Advertiser._
+
+And with pulp so expensive, too!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE PLAY WITH A MORAL.
+
+[Illustration: _Characters in the Play._
+
+Nancy Primrose.  Richard Grenfield.  Vera Vavasour.]
+
+[Illustration: Richard Grenfield, leaving his native village to seek his
+fortune in London, bids adieu to Nancy Primrose, his rustic sweetheart.
+He swears to be true to her.]
+
+[Illustration: Arrived in London, Richard speedily plunges into the gay
+life of the great Metropolis. He makes the acquaintance of Vera
+Vavasour, the famous actress and leader of the Smart Set. He entertains
+her to tea at the Fitz Hotel.]
+
+[Illustration: In the meantime, all Nancy's relations having died, she
+is thrown upon her own resources, and obtains a situation as kitchenmaid
+at the Fitz. From a place of concealment she watches, with dismay, the
+false behaviour of her former lover].
+
+[Illustration: Richard, whose previous incursions into society had not
+led him higher than A.B.C. shops, is unable to meet the bill. Vera
+reveals herself in her true colours and refuses to offer monetary
+assistance. The irate manager threatens to call in the police. Nancy to
+the rescue!]
+
+[Illustration: Nancy, having with her hard-earned savings discharged the
+bill, is clasped to his breast by Richard, who then and there abjures
+the Smart Set and makes stern resolve never again to fall a victim to
+"the Lure of London."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lieutenant_. "Nobody hurt? Then what the deuce are you
+kicking up such a row for?"
+
+_Tommy._ "Well, Sir, look at the mess they bloomin' 'Uns 'ave made in
+the trench just after I've swep' it up!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL JUMBOMANIA.
+
+    "The piano with a thirty-foot keyboard, forty-five octaves, and
+    five hundred and twenty-two keys, which Mr. Alfred Butt will
+    'present' in 'Follow the Crowd' at the Empire Theatre, is now in
+    course of construction. Six pianists will play it, and Mr.
+    Irving Berlin, the composer of 'Watch Your Step,' is composing
+    some special melodies for them."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+The new Bombastophone which the Titanola Company are constructing for
+Mr. Boomer, the famous War lecturer, is approaching completion. This
+remarkable instrument, which roughly resembles a double-bassoon, stands
+about 45 feet high, and has a compass of 500 octaves, from the low B
+flat _in profundissimo_ to the high G on the Doncaster St. Leger line.
+The use that Mr. Boomer makes of the Bombastophone is very original and
+effective. Whenever he sees that the attention of his audience is
+flagging he introduces an interlude of "bombination," which renders
+lethargy impossible and exercises an indescribably stimulating effect on
+the tympanum. The current of air is supplied by a bellows operated by an
+eight-cylinder Brome engine, but Mr. Boomer works the keys himself,
+climbing up and down them with a rapidity which must be seen to be
+appreciated.
+
+Another instrument which is expected to work a revolution in the realm
+of sonority is the Clumbungo Drum, on which Mr. Wackford Bumpus will
+shortly give a recital at the Albert Hall. The drum, which is made of
+teak and rhinoceros hide, is three hundred feet in circumference, but
+only twenty feet high, and the drumsticks are of proportionate length.
+As Dr. Blamphin, the eminent aurist, remarks, "The merit of the notes of
+this momentous instrument is their profound sincerity. They cannot be
+disregarded even by the most absent-minded auditor."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS FOR AIR RAIDS.
+
+The War Office have issued a notice reminding the public that they are
+greatly inconvenienced by persons who telephone for information during
+the progress of an air raid. To avoid a repetition of the trouble the
+attention of the public is called to the following information:--
+
+(1) Elderly ladies may deposit their lap dogs in the bomb-proof shelter
+erected for that purpose in the basement of the War Office buildings at
+Whitehall, a charge of one penny per dog per raid being made.
+
+(2) Persons removed from the interior of motor omnibuses by the
+explosion of bombs dropped by airships cannot claim from the Government
+a refund of the fares paid by them.
+
+(3) Persons having reason to believe that an air raid is in progress are
+requested to put on their hats before leaving the house, as it has been
+ascertained that a hard hat is a substantial protection against falling
+Zeppelins.
+
+(4) For the benefit of editors and others who are dissatisfied with the
+precautions taken to cope with the Zeppelin peril, Messrs. Selfgrove &
+Co. announce that their new Strafing Room will shortly be open to the
+public.
+
+(5) As the force of a bomb explosion is largely in an upward direction,
+those in the immediate vicinity of a dropping bomb are advised to assume
+a recumbent position, in which they will enjoy the added advantage of
+being indistinguishable from the pavement.
+
+(6) As theatre audiences are notoriously subject to panic,
+actor-managers are earnestly requested to prepare beforehand some
+suitable jest with which, in the event of a bomb entering the theatre,
+the attention of the audience may be distracted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BLOW FOR THE CRESCENT.
+
+[Illustration: Sultan of Turkey. "ALL-HIGHEST, ERZERUM HAS FALLEN!"
+
+Kaiser. "GOTT--I SHOULD SAY, _ALLAH_--STRAFE RUSSLAND!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDERGROUND GAME.
+
+It was four o'clock on a wet wintry morning.
+
+Captain Blank executed an inadvertent double-shuffle on a greasy trench
+plank and wondered vaguely why the rain should _always_ come from the
+north-east. Presently a figure squelched up to him and halted.
+
+"'Tis Sergeant O'Hagan, Sorr," it whispered hoarsely.
+
+"Well, Sergeant, what is it?"
+
+"'Tis the sintry at Fosse 19, Sorr. He's reported quare noises in that
+inimy sap beyant."
+
+"Been dreaming, I expect," muttered the Captain, and then added briskly,
+"I think I'll have a listen myself. Go ahead, Sergeant."
+
+They made their way slowly along the uneven trench, past silent figures
+reclining in various attitudes of ease or discomfort; past emplacements
+where machine-guns and trench-mortars were innocently sleeping (with one
+eye always open) or being overhauled by an expert night-nurse.
+Eventually, by that instinct common to trench-dwellers and professional
+poachers, they found themselves at Fosse 19, and with superlative
+caution crept up to the sentry.
+
+"What's wrong?" whispered the Captain tersely.
+
+"Well, Sir," replied Private Blobbs, "I was standin' 'ere on listenin'
+duty, when I 'ears somethink movin' very contagious, so I pops up me
+'ead to 'ave a peep. Didn't see nothink, but I 'ears a pecooliar noise
+like----There y'are, Sir."
+
+He broke off abruptly, and, borne upon the wind, came a series of
+guttural murmurs.
+
+"Now wouldn't ut give one a quare shtart, that?" remarked Sergeant
+O'Hagan, _sotto voce_.
+
+"Um-m," said the Captain thoughtfully. "I think Mr. Hamilton had better
+have a look round."
+
+A few minutes later, having invaded the privacy of "Whortleberry Villa,"
+he was relentlessly prodding a bundle of waterproofs.
+
+"Come on, young fella!" he exclaimed when the bundle showed signs of
+life; "bombin' party forward. Brother Bosch is playin' the piccolo just
+outside Fosse 19."
+
+The Subaltern scrambled out of his wraps and, with incredible dispatch,
+gathered together the Davids of his section. "All guaranteed," so he
+boasted, "to hit the cocoanut every time."
+
+Accoutred with their infernal machines, the little band of hope passed
+along the trench as silently as a party of Fenimore Cooper's
+North-American Indians.
+
+"Yes, they're at home right enough," muttered the Subaltern, after a
+cramped interval of breathless attention, "and fairly asking for it."
+
+He proceeded to make his dispositions with the skill and assurance of an
+old hand. He was nearly nineteen.
+
+"We're going to stalk 'em this time," he whispered to the men; "you keep
+on crawling till I say 'Go!' Then drop it on them quick."
+
+He slid over the parapet like an eel and disappeared into the night. In
+a few moments the sentry was alone in the trench. His state of mind was,
+from sheer excitement, almost insupportable.
+
+After what seemed interminable hours, at last he heard the clear word of
+command, the clatter of things falling and the immediate roar of the
+explosions. In reply, rifle fire began to break out along the German
+first trenches, whilst, overhead, a star-shell burst into blossom; then
+the stutter of machine-guns joined in the chorus. The sentry flattened
+himself like a poultice against the side of the trench. Fosse 19 had,
+among other disadvantages, the reputation of being open to enfilading by
+machine-gun fire.
+
+The disturbance died away as quickly as it had arisen, but there were no
+indications that the bombing party was returning. Private Blobbs danced
+with futile impatience and bent his head to the approved angle of the
+expert listener. Suddenly a heavy body took him in the nape of the neck.
+
+"Ow!" he exclaimed, floundering in mud and water with an unseen and
+inconceivable presence. He clutched the nightmare of an ear and kicked
+violently.
+
+"Look aht, Percy," enjoined a hollow but reassuring voice, "'ere comes
+another!"
+
+Private Blobbs removed himself with remarkable agility.....
+
+"Good!" exclaimed the Subaltern when he finally slid into the trench.
+"This expedition hasn't quite come up to expectations, but it's the
+nicest family of pigs I've seen for some time."
+
+He flashed an electric torch on to the disordered carcasses.
+
+"Corporal Leary," he added incisively, "will you kindly see that the
+officers' mess is served with fresh pork?"
+
+He snapped out the torch and, complete master of the situation, started
+on the return journey to "Whortleberry Villa."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRINGING THE WAR HOME TO US.
+
+Household Orders.
+
+By Mrs. EMMA PIPP, Commanding 3rd (Home Service) Battalion, The Fire
+Guards. February 21st, 1916.
+
+_Detail_.   Orderly Officer  ....   _Mary Ann_.
+             Next for duty....       _Sarah Jane_.
+             Charwoman of the day. . _Mrs. Susanna Sudds_.
+
+_Parade._ 9.30 Shopping march under the Commanding Officer.
+Haversacks (for rations) will be carried.
+
+_Inspection._ 12.0 O.C. Pantry will inspect all beetle-traps in
+her charge, and report if No. 13 (Kitchener pattern) has been
+found.
+
+_Decrease Strength._ No. 4 Master T. Pipp, attached to Sea View
+House School, Boyton, for discipline.
+
+_Promotion._ The Commanding Officer is pleased to approve of the
+following promotions:--Under-housemaid Mary Jane, to be
+Acting-Sergeant Housemaid; Miss Jones, Lady Nurse, to be Nursery
+Governess.
+
+_Leave._ No. 1 Father Pipp granted six days' leave, inclusive of
+two days for travelling. Credit with six days' ration allowance
+at 1s. 9d. per diem.
+
+_Baths._ Baths will be available for the nursery on Saturday
+evening from 6 to 7. O.C. Nursery will report that they have
+been taken.
+
+_Signalling._ The Commanding Officer is pleased to announce that
+at the Fortnightly Course of Glad Eye Signalling, No. 2 Gertie
+Pipp gained a Flapper's Certificate.
+
+_Enquiry._ A Court of Enquiry will assemble on the 25th inst.
+for the purpose of enquiring into the circumstances whereby the
+wheel of No. 3 Perambulator became buckled on the 12th inst.
+
+O.C. Nursery will arrange for the presence of the necessary
+witnesses, with the exception of No. 9 Baby Pipp, now teething.
+
+_General Inspection._ On the 1st prox., Uncle-General Towzer,
+L.S.D., will hold an inspection of nephews and nieces at 5
+o'clock on the front parade lawn.
+
+_Dress:_ Best bibs and tuckers, with smiles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Hint for Slackers.
+
+    "Drilling versus Broad-Casting Oats."
+
+    _Scotsman._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The British Tropical Committee for War Films exhibited a
+    further series of pictures of the British Army in France at the
+    West-end Cinema House, Coventry-street, yesterday."
+
+    _The Times._
+
+Very hot stuff, no doubt!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a description of Sir SAMUEL EVANS' "_lit de justice_":--
+
+    "Sir Samuel first heard one summons in camera, and then took two
+    months of a formal nature, the time occupied being less than
+    half an hour."--_Morning Paper._
+
+How time does fly when one's happy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, Rehearse March 20, Comedian and Chambermaid. Light
+    Comedy (Refined Part, capable Good Drunken Scene)."
+
+    _The Stage._
+
+This is what is meant, no doubt, when people talk of "elevating" the
+drama.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: FIRST STEPS TO VICTORY: A LEAD FROM OUR LEADERS.
+
+Striking example of war-time economy: Mr. Asquith and Mr. Mckenna split
+a cigar.]
+
+_Tuesday, February 15th._--To the regret of all loyal citizens, the
+curtain rang up at Westminster to-day without the now customary Royal
+Overture. In the absence of HIS MAJESTY, the LORD CHANCELLOR delivered
+the brief Speech from the Throne, expressing the unalterable
+determination of the British people and their Allies to defeat the Power
+(name not given but possibly conjecturable) "which mistakes force for
+right and expediency for honour." To emphasise the unity of the nation
+the Address was moved by the Unionist Earl of CLARENDON and seconded by
+the Liberal Lord MUIR-MACKENZIE. It was agreed to in good time for
+dinner.
+
+The Commons are not so economical of time. Mr. IAN MACPHERSON, who moved
+the Address, made quite a long speech. Like _Hamlet_, it was chiefly
+composed of quotations, but they were all quite apt, and as they ranged
+from THUCYDIDES to BURKE, with BOLINGBROKE's _Patriot King_ thrown in,
+they pleased the House, which likes these tributes to its erudition. The
+seconder, in khaki, was Col. F. S. JACKSON, a new Member, who, like the
+still-lamented ALFRED LYTTELTON, had made a reputation at Lord's ere
+ever he essayed the Commons. "Jacker" found the new wicket not quite to
+his liking at first, but afterwards scored freely. In congratulating the
+outgoing batsman the PRIME MINISTER discovered unexpected knowledge of
+cricket. "The Hon. Member," he said, "was making his maiden speech; but
+I doubt if he has ever encountered a maiden over--except, perhaps, when
+he was bowling."
+
+In the regretted absence of the Leader of the Opposition, Mr.
+STUART-WORTLEY as Acting-CHAPLIN referred to the disintegration of
+parties under the stress of war. Now they had only groups, some designed
+to help the Government, some to "ginger" them. Mr. ASQUITH dwelt upon
+the growing unity of control among the Allies, which would counteract
+the advantage in this respect hitherto enjoyed by our foes; and noted
+the amazing growth of the once "contemptible little" British Army. He
+further reminded us that we had already incurred liabilities which it
+would take us a generation to wipe out; and it was the first duty of
+every patriotic citizen to practise rigid economy.
+
+All very well, said, in effect, Mr. WARDLE, the new leader of the Labour
+Party; but, if the working classes are to save, the other classes must
+set them the example. All very well, said Sir MARK SYKES, but if we are
+going to win the war we must co-ordinate at home as well as abroad, and
+abandon the idea of "muddling through." With experience of G.H.Q. and
+four public departments, he asserted that the men were all right, but
+the system all wrong; and that the proper thing was to adopt SULTAN
+OMAR'S plan, and give the supreme control of the War to a Cabinet of not
+more than four members, who with no administrative details to distract
+them might be able to "teach the doubtful battle where to rage."
+
+The PRIME MINISTER listened with interest but without enthusiasm to this
+suggestion. Probably he remembered that an essential part of OMAR's
+scheme was that if the Four failed to agree they were to be promptly
+hanged, and had himself no ambition to take part in a String Quartett.
+
+_Wednesday, February 16th._--The Trustees of the British Museum are for
+the most part grave and reverend seniors. But they harbour at least one
+humourist among them, in Captain HARRY GRAHAM. I suspect him of having
+conceived the notion of choosing this moment, of all others, to frame a
+petition to the House of Commons praying for more money to enable them
+to fulfil their trust, and of getting Mr. LULU HARCOURT, himself a
+member of the Government which is closing their galleries, to present
+it.
+
+Sir HENRY DALZIEL is the leader of one of the "ginger groups" above
+referred to. His first exploit in this capacity was to resist the
+proposal of the Government to take all the time of the House. In his
+demand that private Members should still be allowed the privilege of
+introducing Bills and having them printed at the public expense, he had
+the support of Mr. HOGGE, Mr. KING, Mr. PRINGLE, Mr. BOOTH, Sir WILLIAM
+BYLES, and other statesmen of similar eminence; but the PRIME MINISTER
+was obdurate. He accused the malcontents of lacking a sense of
+perspective--and expressed the poorest opinion of their efforts at
+legislation.
+
+Some of the private Members got their own back when the first amendment
+to the Address was moved by Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS. The Member for Brentford,
+who knows the alphabet of aviation from Aeroplane to Zeppelin,
+complained that the air-service, like his own constituency in legendary
+times, was under Dual Control, and urged that it should be placed under
+a single competent chief.
+
+Neither the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR nor the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY
+was at all happy in reply. They resembled a couple of flying pilots who,
+having gone up to attack a hostile airship in the dark, search in vain
+for an adequate landing-place. Heckled as to the exact status of Sir
+PERCY SCOTT, for example, Mr. TENNANT could only say that he "is still
+in the position he _was_ in." When Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITH ventured the
+remark that a personal knowledge of flying would be a useful
+qualification for officers advising the Government on this subject, Mr.
+BALFOUR was as painfully surprised as if he himself had been called upon
+to navigate a.t.b.d. in heavy weather.
+
+In the absence of any definite sign of repentance the critics of the
+Government threatened a division, which would have been awkward and
+might have been disastrous. In similar circumstances Mr. GLADSTONE used
+to "send for the sledge-hammer"--meaning Mr. ASQUITH. The present PRIME
+MINISTER, when hard pressed, sends for BONAR. Thus summoned to ride the
+whirlwind the COLONIAL SECRETARY executed a graceful volplane. In a few
+frank sentences he admitted that the Government were very far from being
+satisfied with the Air Service, though it had achieved great things.
+Further, they were willing to give another day for its discussion when
+they had got through their financial business. With this confession and
+promise the critics were for the time being appeased.
+
+_Thursday, February 17th._--This being the first day for which Questions
+could be put down, Members took full advantage of the opportunity, and
+propounded ninety-nine of them. Ministers displayed less enthusiasm, and
+some of them were so late in arriving that the SPEAKER had to dodge
+about all over the paper before the list was disposed of. Mr. GINNELL
+was, as usual, well to the fore with silly rumours. There is perhaps a
+subtle connection between cattle-driving and hunting for mare's nests.
+
+The pleasantest feature of Question time was the tribute paid (with hint
+of more substantial rewards to come after the War) to the gallantry and
+self-sacrifice of the officers and men of our mercantile marine. This
+furnished an appropriate prelude to the subject of the ensuing debate.
+Mr. PETO and others sought to press upon the Government the more
+economical use of our merchant shipping. Here they were forcing an open
+door. Steps have already been taken to restrict the imports of luxuries.
+Ministers are unanimous, I believe, in regarding "ginger," for instance,
+as an article whose importation might profitably be curtailed.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Highlander and Zouave (_simultaneously_): "!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECONOMY AT THE CINEMA DE LUXE.
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Jones (completing her fourth Hour_). "I used to
+stay only two hours; but one 'as to make threepence go further these
+days."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGHLAND HOSPITALITY.
+
+It happened in Scotland--it couldn't have happened anywhere else.
+
+I had been visiting the MacNeils. They sympathised over my wound; they
+rallied round with tea and toast; they provided Scotch whisky. My one
+objection to the family was their supreme confidence in these
+new-fledged lads of the Home Defence, whom I--as a Subaltern of the old
+school who had done my time at Sandhurst before the War--scorned with a
+dogged contempt which no degree of argument could kill.
+
+It was when I reached the street that I realised that fervid fire in the
+soul of Scotch hospitality--a fire which brands it as unique in our
+island story. In my coat pocket reposed a bottle of Heather Dew.
+
+The convalescent home where I was being wooed back to brisk health was
+situated along the sea-front. Chuckling at the MacNeils' efforts to
+modify my views of our Home Defenders and their inefficiency, and
+brooding on the folks' kind hearts, I paused to light a cigarette. The
+wind blew out the fluttering flame. It also set me sneezing, for I had a
+bad cold in the head. I struck another match.
+
+"Hey!" said a voice suddenly behind me. I swerved, choking back a
+sneeze. "Hey, hey, hey!" some broad Doric tongue continued.
+
+A heavy hand came plump on my shoulder; a large Highland face was pushed
+into mine; a kilt flapped round long bare shanks. I sneezed again.
+
+"Got ye this time, lad!" announced the son of the North, who now
+appeared to be a brawny lance-corporal. "Signallin' ye are. Oot to sea.
+Ah saw ye blinkin' wi' a licht."
+
+I sneezed again. "I was'd!" I declared as well as the cold in my head
+would allow. "It was a batch. I've dever sigdalled id by life. You're
+wrog--quite wrog!"
+
+He gripped me firmly by the arm.
+
+"Dinna tell me!" he announced in conclusive tones. "Ah ken better! Ye're
+the second spy Ah've cotched. Come along, ma freend Fritz! Ye'll hae the
+job o' explainin' to the Colonel whaur ye got that second-lootenant's
+uniform."
+
+Hunching his rifle over his shoulder, he marched me back the way I had
+come.
+
+"Where are you takig be to?" I enquired thickly. "Take be to your
+Cobbadig Officer at wudce. I wad to egsplaid!"
+
+"Ah'll hae nane o' your clavers," he said shortly. "Ye're for the
+gaird-room. Dinna tell ma ye're no a German wi' a tongue like yon!"
+
+"I've god a gold id by head!" I shouted at him. "I'b dot a Gerbud! I'b
+Lieutedad Dobsod----"
+
+"Haud yer tongue. Ye're a Chooton. An' ye're cotched. That's flat."
+
+I was bundled into a draughty cattle-shed. The door was slammed. I
+sneezed. It was a bright prospect. I changed my views on the
+inefficiency of our Home Defenders. They now appealed to me as violently
+efficient. A night in a tumble-down cow-house! Desolation! Then I
+brightened up: the MacNeils' whisky. The cork popped in the silence of
+the night.
+
+The door opened. A sentry's head was poked round. Disregarding him, I
+raised the bottle to my chattering teeth. Then the lance-corporal
+appeared. With a sudden thought I offered him the bottle. A strange look
+crept across his face. Gingerly he took the bottle. Then there was a
+comfortable sound. He drew a hand across his mouth.
+
+"That's grrand," he said. "Beg pardon, Sir. It's been ma mistake. Jock,
+the prisoner is a Scottish officer. Let him gang.... Thank ye, Sir;
+thank ye for the whisky."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans ... a whole company being decimated, the only
+    survivors, a captain and seventy men, surrendering."
+
+    _Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+This indication that the normal strength of a German company is now only
+79 is welcome news.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The air defence of London is now practically under the control
+    of the home forces, of which Lord French is Commander-in-Chief,
+    and Admiral Lord French is Commander-in Chief, and Admiral the
+    gunnery defences of London."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+So now we're all right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The spectacle of the snow-clad trees on the London Road, and in
+    other suburban districts, was pleasant to the eye, although it
+    made walking a trifle difficult."--_Leicester Mail._
+
+It is our habit to discourage the dangerous practice of tree-gazing
+while in motion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+The Miracle.
+
+Once upon a time there was one Herbert. The doctor being unwilling to
+pass him so that there was no chance that he, in the words of the great
+joke, would "march too," he had taken a situation as a waiter.
+
+Englishmen (it is an axiom) do not make good waiters; nor was he an
+exception. But he was conscientious and painstaking, although clumsy and
+of short memory. Still, this was war-time, and Hans had gone to Germany
+and might now be dead, and Fritz very properly was interned, and Josef
+had sought Vienna once more, and Pasquale and Giuseppe had rejoined the
+Italian flag, and the only foreigners left were a few nondescripts, very
+volubly, indeed almost passionately, of Swiss nationality. In fact, if
+this War has done nothing else it has at least established the fact that
+the male population of Switzerland is far greater than any one had
+supposed. Gallant little Switzerland!
+
+So you see this was Herbert's chance, and the manager was glad to get
+him; and Herbert, who, owing to the slump in games, had lost his job at
+an athletic sports factory and had certain financial liabilities which
+he had long since abandoned any hope of meeting, was glad to come. Only,
+by infinite self-denial and sacrifice did he get together the necessary
+capital for his clothes and the deposit demanded from waiters against
+breakages, theft and so forth.
+
+On his first day as one in charge of three or four tables Herbert made
+some very serious mistakes. He was complained of for slowness, he turned
+over a sauce-boat, he broke a glass, and he forgot to charge for the
+cigar which the portly gentleman in the corner had taken after his
+lunch. And this cigar was a half-crown Corona, for the portly gentleman
+either had not yet grasped the full meaning of War economy or was
+enjoying one of those periodical orgies to which even rigid economist
+think themselves to be entitled.
+
+Already Herbert had, like _Alnaschar_ in the Eastern tale, spent
+imagination far more than he could make all the week, and this blow,
+with the manager's abuse to serve as salt in the wound, sent him home in
+misery. Nor was it as if the portly gentleman was a regular customer who
+could be reminded of the error (little as such reminding is to the taste
+of regular customers); on the contrary, he had never been known to visit
+the restaurant before. You see, then, how unhappily Herbert viewed life
+as he lay awake in his attic that night, and very heavy were his feet on
+his way to work the next day, with an overcoat buttoned up to his neck
+to hide his evening dress.
+
+It was a cold rainy morning; the wind raged; and the very indifferent
+soles of Herbert's boots absorbed moisture like blotting-paper.
+Everything was against him. There was not a gleam of hope in the future,
+not a ray of light. His companions were surly, the manager was venomous,
+the bitter rain fell on. He was in debt and would get the sack.
+
+It was then that the miracle happened. Suddenly Herbert, who was gazing
+forlornly through the window at this disconsolate world, waiting, napkin
+on his arm, to begin to wait, heard a voice saying, "I'm afraid you
+forgot to charge me for my cigar yesterday." It was the portly
+gentleman. Life was not utterly hopeless any more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_, "Ah, it'll take more than preaching
+to make them Zeppelins repent!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST AIR "MINISTER."
+
+  Who shall be Lord of the Air,
+  Now N. has seen fit to declare,
+  To his followers' deep despair,
+  That he can't conscientiously sit
+  In a Cabinet void of grit?
+  For CHURCHILL is tied to the Front,
+  And MARKHAM is out of the hunt,
+  And eloquent BERNARD VAUGHAN
+  From his pulpit can't be withdrawn.
+
+  Who shall be Lord of the Air
+  And take us all under his care?
+  Why, ROBERTSON NICOLL, of course--
+  A man of colossal force,
+  With a perfectly splendid gift
+  For soaring and moral uplift.
+  For, though nobody so uniquely
+  Can hearten _The British Weekly_,
+  His readers will cheerfully spare
+  Him to go and remain in the air,
+  Careering along the inane
+  In a Nicoll-plated plane
+  With, to lend him additional fervour,
+  Mr. G*RV*N as his "Observer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MULE'S PARENTAGE.
+
+The Best Thing Yet Said of the 22.
+
+    Mr. Gibson Bowles, at the City blockade meeting, on the
+    Coalition: "The Government did not swop horses. They made an
+    alliance with another animal; and the result is a mule without
+    pride of ancestry or hope of posterity."--_Evening News._
+
+Incidentally the unkindest thing that has yet been said of the Unionists
+who joined the late Ministry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There were further indications at the meeting of the Salop
+    County Council on Saturday of the Council's desire to economise
+    where possible. Dr. McCarthy drew attention to figures given in
+    the report of the County Medical Officer of Health showing a
+    diminution in the birth-rate of the county for the quarter to
+    the extent of 14 per cent."
+
+    _Wellington Journal._
+
+Economy of any kind is praiseworthy, but we think they might have begun
+with one of the other rates.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The domestic income of a more or less typical three-roomed
+    cottage near the docks is at present L17 per week. Among the
+    recent purchases of the family, a pianoforte, costing L50, may
+    be enumerated, although no one in the house can play a note.
+    This looks more wasteful than the common outlay on gramophones,
+    which at least give pleasure. The idea of sound investment is
+    slow in penetration among the suddenly affluent in wages."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury._
+
+We dislike carping, but surely a piano is always a sound investment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In fiction it is certainly true that nothing succeeds like success.
+There is a sure and very understandable charm in a story of climbing
+fortunes. Therefore it may be that part of my pleasure in _Tasker
+Jevons_ (HUTCHINSON) was due to sympathy with the upward progress of its
+hero. But much more was certainly due to the art with which Miss MAY
+SINCLAIR has written about it. _Tasker Jevons_ is a book, and a
+character, that will linger pleasantly in my memory. He was a little man
+with a great personality, or rather I will say a great purpose, and that
+was to approve himself in the eyes of the wife whom he worshipped, and
+her perplexed, slightly contemptuous family. The trouble was that
+_Tasker_ was in the beginning a hack journalist, socially and personally
+impossible; and that _Viola Thesiger_, whom he married, belonged by
+birth to the rigidest circle of Cathedral society (Miss SINCLAIR,
+scorning subterfuge, calls it quite openly Canterbury). So you see the
+difficulties that beset the _Jevons_ pair. Their story is told here,
+very effectively, through the mouth of a third person, a
+fellow-journalist and admirer of _Jevons_--but quite respectable--the
+rejected suitor of _Viola_, and eventually the husband of her sister.
+Through his clever and observant eyes we watch the progress of _Jevons_,
+see him prospering materially, becoming famous and rich and vulgarized.
+It is an unusually close and rather subtle study of the development of
+such a man. Eventually there happens that for which the date, Midsummer
+1914, will have prepared you, even if you had forgotten that Miss
+SINCLAIR had herself served in Belgium with a field ambulance. So the
+end of the book gives us some vivid War pictures. Taking it all round, I
+am inclined to consider _Tasker Jevons_ the best of the 1916 novels that
+has yet come my way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When, in the first chapter of _Moll Davis_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN), you find
+the heroine having a very pretty dispute with the landlord of the
+Mischief Inn, and a gallant blade of a fellow coming to her rescue, you
+will guess what fare is to follow. And, provided that your taste is for
+diet of the lightest, you will not be disappointed, for no one is more
+capable than Mr. BERNARD CAPES of making it palatable. Here we are then
+back in the year 1661, and in a maze of intrigue. Wit, if we are to
+believe the novelist, was as plentiful in those days as morals were
+scarce, and Mr. CAPES is not the man to spoil tradition for lack of
+colour. He calls his book a comedy, but he should have called it a
+comedy with an interlude; and the part I like best is the interlude.
+Possibly because he was weary of plots and counterplots he suddenly
+breaks loose, and with a warning to those who have "an unconquerable
+repugnance to sentiment" tells a moving tale that has nothing to do with
+the main narrative. I can thank him unreservedly for this, and for the
+crop of words which he has added to my vocabulary. "Bingawast,"
+"gingumbobs," and "fubbs" have the right ring, and after a little
+training I hope to use them with telling effect on my platoon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Edith Ottley_ cherished a passion for _Aylmer Ross_; to such an extent
+indeed that she came within an ace of eloping with him. However, the ace
+wasn't played; and in due course _Aylmer_ went to the War and became a
+captain. Unfortunately he also became much more interesting by reason of
+a wound; and, when this brought him back to England, the passion also
+returned, stronger than ever. This, of course, is why their story is
+called _Love at Second Sight_ (GRANT RICHARDS). I have now a small
+surprise for you, namely that _Edith_ was already married, and owned a
+charming house, a valetudinarian husband and two pleasant children. So I
+quite expected that _Aylmer_, in the fulness of time, would either (1)
+be removed by the enemy, or (2) marry a delightful little Red-Cross
+nurse who adored him. But the author, Mrs. LEVERSON, had other views.
+Instead therefore of ending her heroine in the expected mood of
+conventional reconciliation she sends the objectionable husband off with
+somebody else, and leaves us to a prospect of wedding-bells with the
+divorce court as a preliminary. Which is at least original. But
+throughout I had the feeling that a great deal of bright and clever
+writing was being wasted on a poor theme. The characters are brilliantly
+suggested, but--with perhaps one exception, forgetful _Lady Conroy_, who
+is an entire delight--they seem altogether unworthy of it. In fact I
+came away from the book with the impression of having attended a
+gathering of somewhat shoddily smart people, and sat next to a clever
+woman who had been witty about them. The worst of the matter is that
+they are all so real. This is a tribute to the author, but a most
+unpleasant reflection for everyone else.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The Rector. "Well, William, you ought to be proud and
+happy to know you have four sons serving their country with His
+Majesty's Forces."
+
+William. "I am proud and happy, Sir, but the old woman she do fret
+somethin' terrible because none of 'em ain't got no Victoria Cross
+yet."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+My attention was first attracted to _The New Dawn_ (LONG) by the fact
+that the plot starts at Euston Station. That interesting, not to say
+romantic, line, the L. & N. W. R., is usually shunned by our novelists.
+But although "GEORGE WOVIL" takes his characters to the furthest North,
+even beyond Glasgow, their sympathies, like, I think, those of their
+creator, remain behind in fair and false and fickle Wimbledon. This at
+least was where _Halvey Brown_ wished himself as the train glided over
+the best laid track in Europe towards dour Bartocher. And _Brown_,
+though he knew the natural drabness of his destination already, had at
+that time no information as to all the unpleasing events that were to
+happen there; that, for example, the minister's new wife would turn out
+to be a lady with a past that he himself had shared, or that the
+fair-haired young man in the same compartment was the assistant
+minister, who would fall in love with the said wife and eventually slay
+her, the minister, and himself. I find I have been led into betraying
+for you the outline of the story. Perhaps, however, this does not
+greatly matter. The value of the book lies in its very natural and human
+characters. All four of them--there are only four who really matter--are
+admirably drawn, so that the tragedy of their lives holds and convinces
+you. My complaints against the author are, first, the excess of emphasis
+that he gives to the physical unpleasantness of his background;
+secondly, the loose construction that allows the tale to be continually
+turning back to look behind it. He would keep a lover in the act of
+embracing the lady of his heart while he explains what the parents of
+each died of, and all that has happened since. Still, _The New Dawn_
+remains an unconventional and strongly written story, which will
+certainly interest though perhaps hardly enliven you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is something very soothing in the peeps into dusty family papers
+and the faint echoes of departed gossip which Mrs. STIRLING provides in
+_A Painter of Dreams_ (LANE). These pleasantly amateurish historical
+studies go back a century and a half. A commonplace book from which are
+quoted many diverting and incredible things; a chapter in which those
+queer Radicals, HORNE TOOKE, COBBETT, Sir FRANCIS BURDETT and bluff
+Squire BOSVILLE, are chiefly concerned; a sketch of the fourth Earl of
+ALBEMARLE, keen farmer and friend of COKE of Norfolk, Master of the
+Horse to WILLIAM IV. and QUEEN VICTORIA (it is to ALBEMARLE in this
+capacity that the IRON DUKE said: "The Queen can make you go inside the
+coach, or outside the coach, or run behind it like a d----d tinker's
+dog"), winner of the Ascot Gold Cup three years running and stiff-backed
+autocrat; an account of the beautiful Misses CATON of Baltimore and
+their matrimonial adventures--the American invasion of brides bringing
+money and beauty in exchange for titles thus dating back to 1816; some
+details of the lives of two artists, JOHN HERRING, animal painter, and
+RODDAM SPENCER STANHOPE, one of the lesser pre-Raphaelites and the
+painter of dreams referred to in the title--these all make up an
+agreeable pot-pourri with an old-world fragrance which ought to be able
+to charm you out of the preposterous nightmare of the present. But it
+makes one feel old to see that the conscientious author thinks that
+DICKY DOYLE now needs a footnote to let the present generation know who
+he was.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the Catalogue of a V.T.C. Tailor.
+
+    "'I am,' a V.T.C. Secretary writes, 'in correspondence with the
+    undertaker, and hope at last to induce the War Office to
+    recognise us by sending a representative to attend our funeral
+    rites.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One man of four who escaped the bombs."--_Morning Paper._
+
+A little too old for the baby-killers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lord Sumner on the Need for Self-Sacrifice.
+
+    'If the House of Lords and the House of Commons could be taken
+    and thrown into a volcano every day the loss represented would
+    be less than the daily cost of the campaign.'"--_The Times._
+
+It sounds a drastic remedy, but might be worth trying.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lemons, used largely for making demonade, have a medicinal
+    value."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We know nothing of the drinks popular in the lower regions, but have
+always heard that the nectarines used for making nectar have a strong
+tonic effect.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, FEBRUARY 23, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22697.txt or 22697.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22697
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+