diff options
Diffstat (limited to '22695.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 22695.txt | 18445 |
1 files changed, 18445 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/22695.txt b/22695.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..af99943 --- /dev/null +++ b/22695.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18445 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Comedies of Terence, by Publius Terentius Afer + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Comedies of Terence + +Author: Publius Terentius Afer + +Translator: George Colman + +Release Date: September 21, 2007 [EBook #22695] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMEDIES OF TERENCE *** + + + + +Produced by Louise Hope, David Starner and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + [Transcriber's Note: + + This translation of Terence was published by Harper & Brothers as + the second part of an omnibus volume also containing the 1853 Riley + translation (prose, with notes and commentary). The Riley portion + has been released as a separate e-text, #22188. + + This e-text includes readings from the 1768 second edition of + Colman. In general, only differences in wording are included; + variations in spelling and punctuation were disregarded. It is not + known whether the Harper's text was based on the first edition of + Colman or some later edition. Where the Harper text was clearly in + error, the 1768 reading was substituted in the main text. In all + cases, the alternative readings are shown at the end of each Scene. + + Stage directions in braces such as {_MICIO and DEMEA apart._} were + added by the transcriber where the original format was impractical. + + Each play is a free-standing unit.] + + + + + The + COMEDIES + of + TERENCE. + + Literally Translated into English Prose, + with Notes. + + + By HENRY THOMAS RILEY, B.A., + Late Scholar of Clare Hall, Cambridge. + + + To which is added + the blank verse translation of + GEORGE COLMAN. + + + New York: + Harper & Brothers, Publishers, + Franklin Square. + 1896. + + + + + Harper's + NEW CLASSICAL LIBRARY. + + Comprising Literal Translations of + + Caesar. + Virgil. + Sallust. + Horace. + Terence. + Tacitus. 2 Vols. + Livy. 2 Vols. + Cicero's Orations. + Cicero's Offices, Laelius, Cato Major, Paradoxes, + Scipio's Dream, Letter to Quintus. + Cicero On Oratory and Orators. + Cicero's Tusculan Disputations, The Nature of the Gods, + and The Commonwealth. + Juvenal. + Xenophon. + Homer's Iliad. + Homer's Odyssey. + Herodotus. + Demosthenes. 2 Vols. + Thucydides. + AEschylus. + Sophocles. + Euripides. 2 Vols. + Plato (Select Dialogues). + +12mo, Cloth, $1.00 per Volume. + + +Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. + +_The above works are for sale by all booksellers, or they will be sent +by HARPER & BROTHERS to any address on receipt of price as quoted. If +ordered sent by mail, 10 per cent. should be added to the price to +cover cost of postage._ + + + + +CONTENTS. + +COMEDIES OF TERENCE: IN VERSE. + + The Andrian 367 + The Eunuch 408 + The Self-Tormentor 451 + The Brothers 494 + The Step-Mother 535 + Phormio 568 + + + + + THE + COMEDIES + OF + TERENCE. + + TRANSLATED INTO + FAMILIAR BLANK VERSE, + BY GEORGE COLMAN. + + Primores populi arripuit populumque tributim: + Scilicet uni aequus virtuti atque ejus amicis. + Quin ubi se a vulgo et scena in secreta remorant + Virtus Scipiadae et mitis sapientia Laeli, + Nugari cum illo et discincti ludere, donec + Decoqueretur olus, soliti. + + HORACE. + + + * * * * * + * * * * + + +THE ANDRIAN. + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + PROLOGUE. + SIMO. + PAMPHILUS. + CHREMES. + CHARINUS. + CRITO. + SOSIA. + DAVUS. + BYRRHIA. + DROMO. + SERVANTS, ETC. + + GLYCERIUM. + MYSIS. + LESBIA. + ARCHYLLIS. + +SCENE, ATHENS. + + + + +PROLOGUE. + + The Bard, when first he gave his mind to write, +Thought it his only business, that his Plays +Should please the people: but it now falls out, +He finds, much otherwise, and wastes, perforce, +His time in writing Prologues; not to tell +The argument, but to refute the slanders +Broach'd by the malice of an older Bard. + And mark what vices he is charg'd withal! +Menander wrote the Andrian and Perinthian: +Know one, and you know both; in argument +Less diff'rent than in sentiment and style. +What suited with the Andrian he confesses +From the Perinthian he transferr'd, and us'd +For his: and this it is these sland'rers blame, +Proving by deep and learned disputation, +That Fables should not be contaminated. +Troth! all the knowledge is they nothing know: +Who, blaming; him, blame Naevius, Plautus, Ennius, +Whose great example is his precedent; +Whose negligence he'd wish to emulate +Rather than _their_ dark diligence. Henceforth, +Let them, I give them warning, be at peace, +And cease to rail, lest they be made to know +Their own misdeeds. Be favorable! sit +With equal mind, and hear our play; that hence +Ye may conclude, what hope to entertain, +The comedies he may hereafter write +Shall merit approbation or contempt. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + That Fables should not be contaminated. + _Colman 1768_ + That Fables should not be confounded thus.] + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + + _SIMO, SOSIA, and SERVANTS with Provisions._ + +SIMO. Carry those things in: go! (_Ex. SERVANTS._ + Sosia, come here; +A word with you! + +SOSIA. I understand: that these +Be ta'en due care of. + +SIMO. Quite another thing. + +SOSIA. What can my art do more for you? + +SIMO. This business +Needs not that art; but those good qualities, +Which I have ever known abide in you, +Fidelity and secrecy. + +SOSIA. I wait +Your pleasure. + +SIMO. Since I bought you, from a boy +How just and mild a servitude you've pass'd +With me, you're conscious: from a purchas'd slave +I made you free, because you serv'd me freely: +The greatest recompense I could bestow. + +SOSIA. I do remember. + +SIMO. Nor do I repent. + +SOSIA. If I have ever done, or now do aught +That's pleasing to you, Simo, I am glad, +And thankful that you hold my service good +And yet this troubles me: for this detail, +Forcing your kindness on my memory, +Seems to reproach me of ingratitude. +Oh tell me then at once, what would you? Sir! + +SIMO. I will; and this I must advise you first; +The nuptial you suppose preparing now, +Is all unreal. + +SOSIA. Why pretend it then? + +SIMO. You shall hear all from first to last: and thus +The conduct of my son, my own intent, +And what part you're to act, you'll know at once. +For my son, Sosia, now to manhood grown, +Had freer scope of living: for before +How might you know, or how indeed divine +His disposition, good or ill, while youth, +Fear, and a master, all constrain'd him? + +SOSIA. True. + +SIMO. Though most, as is the bent of youth, apply +Their mind to some one object, horses, hounds, +Or to the study of philosophy; +Yet none of these, beyond the rest, did he +Pursue; and yet, in moderation, all. +I was o'erjoy'd. + +SOSIA. And not without good cause. +For this I hold to be the Golden Rule +Of Life, too much of one thing's good for nothing. + +SIMO. So did he shape his life to bear himself +With ease and frank good-humor unto all; +Mix'd in what company soe'er, to them +He wholly did resign himself; and join'd +In their pursuits, opposing nobody, +Nor e'er assuming to himself: and thus +With ease, and free from envy, may you gain +Praise, and conciliate friends. + +SOSIA. He rul'd his life +By prudent maxims: for, as times go now, +Compliance raises friends, and truth breeds hate. + +SIMO. Meanwhile, 'tis now about three years ago, +A certain woman from the isle of Andros, +Came o'er to settle in this neighborhood, +By poverty and cruel kindred driv'n: +Handsome and young. + +SOSIA. Ah! I begin to fear +Some mischief from this Andrian. + +SIMO. At first +Modest and thriftily, though poor, she liv'd, +With her own hands a homely livelihood +Scarce earning from the distaff and the loom. +But when a lover came, with promis'd gold, +Another, and another, as the mind +Falls easily from labor to delight, +She took their offers, and set up the trade. +They, who were then her chief gallants, by chance +Drew thither, as oft happen with young men +My son to join their company. "So, so!" +Said I within myself, "he's smit! he has it!" +And in the morning as I saw their servants +Run to and fro, I'd often call, "here, boy! +Prithee now, who had Chrysis yesterday?" +The name of this same Andrian. + +SOSIA. I take you. + +SIMO. Phaedrus they said, Clinia, or Niceratus, +For all these three then follow'd her.--"Well, well, +But what of Pamphilus?"--"Of Pamphilus! +He supp'd, and paid his reck'ning."--I was glad. +Another day I made the like inquiry, +But still found nothing touching Pamphilus. +Thus I believ'd his virtue prov'd, and hence +Thought him a miracle of continence: +For he who struggles with such spirits, yet +Holds in that commerce an unshaken mind, +May well be trusted with the governance +Of his own conduct. Nor was I alone +Delighted with his life, but all the world +With one accord said all good things, and prais'd +My happy fortunes, who possess'd a son +So good, so lib'rally disposed.--In short +Chremes, seduc'd by this fine character, +Came of his own accord, to offer me +His only daughter with a handsome portion +In marriage with my son. I lik'd the match; +Betroth'd my son; and this was pitch'd upon, +By joint agreement, for the wedding-day. + +SOSIA. And what prevents it's being so? + +SIMO. I'll tell you. +In a few days, the treaty still on foot, +This neighbor Chrysis dies. + +SOSIA. In happy hour: +Happy for you! I was afraid of Chrysis. + +SIMO. My son, on this event, was often there +With those who were the late gallants of Chrysis; +Assisted to prepare the funeral, +Ever condol'd, and sometimes wept with them. +This pleas'd me then; for in myself I thought, +"Since merely for a small acquaintance-sake +He takes this woman's death so nearly, what +If he himself had lov'd? What would he feel +For me, his father?" All these things, I thought; +Were but the tokens and the offices +Of a humane and tender disposition. +In short, on his account, e'en I myself +Attend the funeral, suspecting yet +No harm. + +SOSIA. And what---- + +SIMO. You shall hear all. The Corpse +Borne forth, we follow: when among the women +Attending there, I chanc'd to cast my eyes, +Upon one girl, in form---- + +SOSIA. Not bad, perhaps---- + +SIMO. And look; so modest, and so beauteous, Sosia! +That nothing could exceed it. As she seem'd +To grieve beyond the rest; and as her air +Appear'd more liberal and ingenuous, +I went and ask'd her women who she was. +Sister, they said, to Chrysis: when at once +It struck my mind; "So! so! the secret's out; +Hence were those tears, and hence all that compassion!" + +SOSIA. Alas! I fear how this affair will end! + +SIMO. Meanwhile the funeral proceeds: we follow; +Come to the sepulchre: the body's plac'd +Upon the pile, lamented: whereupon +This sister I was speaking of, all wild, +Ran to the flames with peril of her life. +Then! there! the frighted Pamphilus betrays +His well-dissembled and long-hidden love: +Runs up, and takes her round the waist, and cries, +"Oh my Glycerium! what is it you do? +Why, why endeavor to destroy yourself?" +Then she, in such a manner, that you thence +Might easily perceive their long, long, love, +Threw herself back into his arms, and wept, +Oh how familiarly! + +SOSIA. How say you! + +SIMO. I +Return in anger thence, and hurt at heart, +Yet had no cause sufficient for reproof. +"What have I done? he'd say; or how deserv'd +Reproach? or how offended, Father?--Her +Who meant to cast herself into the flames, +I stopped." A fair excuse! + +SOSIA. You're in the right; +For him, who sav'd a life, if you reprove, +What will you do to him that offers wrong? + +SIMO. Chremes next day came open-mouth'd to me: +Oh monstrous! he had found that Pamphilus +Was married to this stranger woman. I +Deny the fact most steadily, and he +As steadily insists. In short we part +On such bad terms, as let me understand +He would refuse his daughter. + +SOSIA. Did not you +_Then_ take your son to task? + +SIMO. Not even this +Appear'd sufficient for reproof. + +SOSIA. How so? + +SIMO. "Father, (he might have said) You have, you know, +Prescrib'd a term to all these things yourself. +The time is near at hand, when I must live +According to the humor of another. +Meanwhile, permit me now to please my own!" + +SOSIA. What cause remains to chide him then? + +SIMO. If he +Refuses, on account of this amour, +To take a wife, such obstinate denial +Must be considered as his first offense. +Wherefore I now, from this mock-nuptial, +Endeavor to draw real cause to chide: +And that same rascal Davus, if he's plotting, +That he may let his counsel run to waste, +Now, when his knaveries can do no harm: +Who, I believe, with all his might and main +Will strive to cross my purposes; and that +More to plague me, than to oblige my son. + +SOSIA. Why so? + +SIMO. Why so! Bad mind, bad heart: But if +I catch him at his tricks!--But what need words? +--If, as I wish it may, it should appear +That Pamphilus objects not to the match, +Chremes remains to be prevail'd upon, +And will, I hope, consent. 'Tis now your place +To counterfeit these nuptials cunningly; +To frighten Davus; and observe my son, +What he's about, what plots they hatch together. + +SOSIA. Enough; I'll take due care. Let's now go in! + +SIMO. Go first: I'll follow you. (_Exit SOSIA._ +Beyond all doubt +My son's averse to take a wife: I saw +How frighten'd Davus was, but even now, +When he was told a nuptial was preparing. +But here he comes. + + [Changes: + + _In this Scene, all quotation marks were supplied from the + 1768 edition._ + + SIMO. Carry those things in: go! (_Ex. SERVANTS._ + _Harper text reads "Exit SERVANTS"; "Ex." (1768) can be taken as the + correct plural form "Exeunt"._ + + _Harper_ + He wholly did resign himself; and join'd + In their pursuits, opposing nobody, + _Colman 1768_ + He wholly did resign himself; complied + With all their humours, checking nobody, + + ... Was married to this stranger woman. I + Deny the fact + _Line-final "I" missing in Harper text._] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter DAVUS._ + +DAVUS. (_to himself_). I thought 'twere wonderful +If this affair went off so easily; +And dreaded where my master's great good-humor +Would end at last: who, after he perceiv'd +The Lady was refus'd, ne'er said a word +To any of us, nor e'er took it ill. + +SIMO. (_behind_). But now he will; to your cost too, I warrant you! + +DAVUS. This was his scheme; to lead us by the nose +In a false dream of joy; then all agape +With hope, even then that we were most secure, +To have o'erwhelm'd us, nor have giv'n us time +To cast about which way to break the match. +Cunning old Gentleman! + +SIMO. What says the rogue? + +DAVUS. My master and I did not see him! + +SIMO. Davus! + +DAVUS. Well! what now? (_Pretending not to see him._) + +SIMO. Here! this way! + +DAVUS. What can he want? (_To himself._) + +SIMO. (_overhearing_). What say you? + +DAVUS. Upon what? Sir. + +SIMO. Upon what! +The world reports that my son keeps a mistress. + +DAVUS. Oh, to be sure, the world cares much for that. + +SIMO. D'ye mind what I say? Sirrah! + +DAVUS. Nothing more, Sir. + +SIMO. But for me now to dive into these matters +May seem perhaps like too severe a father: +For all his youthful pranks concern not me. +While 'twas in season, he had my free leave +To take his swing of pleasure. But to-day +Brings on another stage of life, and asks +For other manners: wherefore I desire, +Or, if you please, I do beseech you, Davus, +To set him right again. + +DAVUS. What means all this? + +SIMO. All, who are fond of mistresses, dislike +The thoughts of matrimony. + +DAVUS. So they say. + +SIMO. And then, if such a person entertains +An evil counselor in those affairs, +He tampers with the mind, and makes bad worse. + +DAVUS. Troth, I don't comprehend one word of this. + +SIMO. No? + +DAVUS. No. I'm Davus, and not Oedipus. + +SIMO. Then for the rest I have to say to you, +You choose I should speak plainly. + +DAVUS. By all means. + +SIMO. If I discover then, that in this match +You get to your dog's tricks to break it off, +Or try to show how shrewd a rogue you are, +I'll have you beat to mummy, and then thrown +In prison, Sirrah! upon this condition, +That when I take you out again, I swear +To grind there in your stead. D'ye take me now? +Or don't you understand this neither? + +DAVUS. Clearly. +You have spoke out at last: the very thing! +Quite plain and home; and nothing round about. + +SIMO. I could excuse your tricks in any thing, +Rather than this. + +DAVUS. Good words! I beg of you. + +SIMO. You laugh at me: well, well!--I give you warning +That you do nothing rashly, nor pretend +You was not advertis'd of this--take heed! (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + To have o'erwhelm'd us, nor have giv'n us time + _Colman 1768_ + To have o'erwhelm'd us, nor allow'd us time + + Or, if you please, I do beseech you, Davus, + _anomalously printed as DAVUS in Harper text_] + + +SCENE III. + + _DAVUS._ + +Troth Davus, 'tis high time to look about you; +No room for sloth, as far as I can sound +The sentiments of our old gentleman +About this marriage, which if not fought off, +And cunningly, spoils me, or my poor master. +I know not what to do; nor can resolve +To help the son, or to obey the father. +If I desert poor Pamphilus, alas! +I tremble for his life; if I assist him, +I dread his father's threats: a shrewd old Cuff, +Not easily deceiv'd. For first of all, +He knows of this amour; and watches me +With jealous eyes, lest I devise some trick +To break the match. If he discovers it, +Woe to poor Davus! nay, if he's inclin'd +To punish me, he'll seize on some pretense +To throw me into prison, right or wrong. +Another mischief is, this Andrian, +Mistress or wife, 's with child by Pamphilus. +And do but mark their confidence! 'tis sure +The dotage of mad people, not of lovers. +Whate'er she shall bring forth, they have resolv'd +To educate: and have among themselves +Devis'd the strangest story! that Glycerium +Is an Athenian citizen. "There was +Once on a time a certain merchant, shipwreck'd +Upon the isle of Andros; there he died: +And Chrysis' father took this orphan-wreck, +Then but an infant, under his protection." +Ridiculous! 'tis all romance to me: +And yet the story pleases them. And see! +Mysis comes forth. But I must to the Forum +To look for Pamphilus, for fear his father +Should find him first, and take him unawares. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Another mischief is, this Andrian, + Mistress or wife, 's with child by Pamphilus. + And do but mark their confidence! 'tis sure + _Colman 1768_ + Another mischief too, to make bad worse, + This Andrian, wife or mistress, is with child + By Pamphilus. And do but mark the height + Of their assurance! for 'tis certainly] + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter MYSIS._ (_Speaking to a servant within._) + +I hear, Archyllis; I hear what you say: +You beg me to bring Lesbia. By my troth +That Lesbia is a drunken wretch, hot-headed, +Nor worthy to be trusted with a woman +In her first labor. Well, well! she shall come. +--Observe how earnest the old gossip is, (_Coming forward_) +Because this Lesbia is her pot-companion. +--Oh grant my mistress, Heav'n, a safe delivery, +And let the midwife trespass any where +Rather than here!--But what is it I see? +Pamphilus all disorder'd: How I fear +The cause! I'll wait a while, that I may know +If this commotion means us any ill. + + +SCENE V. + + _PAMPHILUS, MYSIS behind._ + +PAM. Is this well done? or like a man?--Is this +The action of a father? + +MYSIS. What's the matter? + +PAM. Oh all ye pow'rs of heav'n and earth, what's wrong +If this is not so?--If he was determin'd +That I to-day should marry, should I not +Have had some previous notice?--ought not he +To have inform'd me of it long ago? + +MYSIS. Alas! what's this I hear? + +PAM. And Chremes too, +Who had refus'd to trust me with his daughter, +Changes his mind, because I change not mine. +Can he then be so obstinately bent +To tear me from Glycerium? To lose her +Is losing life.--Was ever man so cross'd, +So curs'd as I?--Oh pow'rs of heav'n and earth! +Can I by no means fly from this alliance +With Chremes' family?--so oft contemn'd +And held in scorn!--all done, concluded all!---- +Rejected, then recall'd:--and why?--unless, +For so I must suspect, they breed some monster, +Whom as they can obtrude on no one else, +They bring to me. + +MYSIS. Alas, alas! this speech +Has struck me almost dead with fear. + +PAM. And then +My father!--what to say of him?--Oh shame! +A thing of so much consequence to treat +So negligently!--For but even now +Passing me in the forum, "Pamphilus! +To-day's your wedding-day, said he: prepare; +Go, get you home!"--This sounded in my ears +As if he said, "go, hang yourself!"--I stood +Confounded. Think you I could speak one word? +Or offer an excuse, how weak soe'er? +No, I was dumb:--and had I been aware, +Should any ask what I'd have done, I would, +Rather than this, do any thing.--But now +What to resolve upon?--So many cares +Entangle me at once, and rend my mind, +Pulling it diff'rent ways. My love, compassion, +This urgent match, my rev'rence for my father, +Who yet has ever been so gentle to me, +And held so slack a rein upon my pleasures. +--And I oppose him?--Racking thought!--Ah me! +I know not what to do. + +MYSIS. Alas, I fear +Where this uncertainty will end. 'Twere best +He should confer with her; or I at least +Speak touching her to him. For while the mind +Hangs in suspense, a trifle turns the scale. + +PAM. Who's there? what, Mysis! Save you! + +MYSIS. Save you! Sir. (_Coming forward._) + +PAM. How does she? + +MYSIS. How! oppress'd with wretchedness. +To-day supremely wretched, as to-day +Was formerly appointed for your wedding. +And then she fears lest you desert her. + +PAM. I! +Desert her? Can I think on't? or deceive +A wretched maid! who trusted to my care +Her life and honor. Her whom I have held +Near to my heart, and cherish'd as my wife? +Or leave her modest and well nurtur'd mind +Through want to be corrupted? Never, never. + +MYSIS. No doubt, did it depend on you alone; +But if constrain'd---- + +PAM. D'ye think me then so vile? +Or so ungrateful, so inhuman, savage, +Neither long intercourse, nor love, nor shame, +Can make me keep my faith? + +MYSIS. I only know +That she deserves you should remember her. + +PAM. I should remember her? Oh, Mysis, Mysis! +The words of Chrysis touching my Glycerium +Are written in my heart. On her death-bed +She call'd me. I approach'd her. You retir'd. +We were alone; and Chrysis thus began: +"My Pamphilus, you see the youth and beauty +Of this unhappy maid: and well you know, +These are but feeble guardians to preserve +Her fortune or her fame. By this right hand +I do beseech you, by your better angel, +By your tried faith, by her forlorn condition, +I do conjure you, put her not away, +Nor leave her to distress. If I have ever, +As my own brother, lov'd you; or if she +Has ever held you dear 'bove all the world, +And ever shown obedience to your will---- +I do bequeath you to her as a husband, +Friend, Guardian, Father: all our little wealth +To you I leave, and trust it to your care."---- +She join'd our hands, and died.--I did receive her, +And once receiv'd will keep her. + +MYSIS. So we trust. + +PAM. What make you from her? + +MYSIS. Going for a midwife. + +PAM. Haste then! and hark, be sure take special heed, +You mention not a word about the marriage, +Lest this too give her pain. + +MYSIS. I understand. + + [Changes: + + _All quotation marks in this Scene are supplied from the + 1768 edition._ + + _Harper_ + Can make me keep my faith? + MYSIS. I only know + That she deserves you should remember her. + PAM. I should remember her? Oh, Mysis, Mysis! + _Colman 1768_ + Can move my soul, or make me keep my faith? + MYSIS. I only know, my mistress well deserves + You should remember her. + PAM. Remember her? + Oh Mysis, Mysis! even at this hour,] + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + + _CHARINUS, BYRRHIA._ + +CHAR. How, Byrrhia? Is she to be married, say you, +To Pamphilus to-day? + +BYR. 'Tis even so. + +CHAR. How do you know? + +BYR. I had it even now +From Davus at the Forum. + +CHAR. Woe is me! +Then I'm a wretch indeed: till now my mind +Floated 'twixt hope and fear: now, hope remov'd, +Stunn'd, and o'erwhelm'd, it sinks beneath its cares. + +BYR. Nay, prithee master, since the thing you wish +Can not be had, e'en wish for that which may! + +CHAR. I wish for nothing but Philumena. + +BYR. Ah, how much wiser were it, that you strove +To quench this passion, than, with words like these +To fan the fire, and blow it to a flame? + +CHAR. How readily do men at ease prescribe +To those who're sick at heart! distress'd like me, +You would not talk thus. + +BYR. Well, well, as you please. + +CHAR. Ha! I see Pamphilus. I can resolve +On any thing, e'er give up all for lost. + +BYR. What now? + +CHAR. I will entreat him, beg, beseech him, +Tell him our course of love, and thus, perhaps, +At least prevail upon him to defer +His marriage some few days: meanwhile, I hope, +Something may happen. + +BYR. Aye, that something's nothing. + +CHAR. Byrrhia, what think you? Shall I speak to him? + +BYR. Why not? for though you don't obtain your suit, +He will at least imagine you're prepar'd +To cuckold him, in case he marries her. + +CHAR. Away, you hang-dog, with your base suspicions! + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter PAMPHILUS._ + +PAM. Charinus, save you! + +CHAR. Save you, Pamphilus! +Imploring comfort, safety, help, and counsel, +You see me now before you. + +PAM. I do lack +Myself both help and counsel--But what mean you? + +CHAR. Is this your wedding-day? + +PAM. Aye, so they say. + +CHAR. Ah, Pamphilus, if so, this day +You see the last of me. + +PAM. How so? + +CHAR. Ah me! +I dare not speak it: prithee tell him, Byrrhia. + +BYR. Aye, that I will. + +PAM. What is't? + +BYR. He is in love +With your bride, Sir. + +PAM. I' faith so am not I. +Tell me, Charinus, has aught further passed +'Twixt you and her? + +CHAR. Ah, no, no. + +PAM. Would there had! + +CHAR. Now by our friendship, by my love I beg +You would not marry her.---- + +PAM. I will endeavor. + +CHAR. If that's impossible, or if this match +Be grateful to your heart---- + +PAM. My heart! + +CHAR. At least +Defer it some few days; while I depart, +That I may not behold it. + +PAM. Hear, Charinus; +It is, I think, scarce honesty in him +To look for thanks, who means no favor. I +Abhor this marriage, more than you desire it. + +CHAR. You have reviv'd me. + +PAM. Now if you, or he, +Your Byrrhia here, can do or think of aught; +Act, plot, devise, invent, strive all you can +To make her yours; and I'll do all I can +That she may not be mine. + +CHAR. Enough. + +PAM. I see +Davus, and in good time: for he'll advise +What's best to do. + +CHAR. But you, you sorry rogue, (_To BYRRHIA_) +Can give me no advice, nor tell me aught, +But what it is impertinent to know. +Hence, Sirrah, get you gone! + +BYR. With all my heart. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + PAM. I do lack + Myself both help and counsel--But what mean you? + _Colman 1768_ + PAM. Help, and counsel! + I can afford you neither.--But what mean you?] + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter DAVUS hastily._ + +DAVUS. Good Heav'ns, what news I bring! what joyful news! +But where shall I find Pamphilus, to drive +His fears away, and make him full of joy? + +CHAR. There's something pleases him. + +PAM. No matter what. +He has not heard of our ill fortune yet. + +DAVUS. And he, I warrant, if he has been told +Of his intended wedding---- + +CHAR. Do you hear? + +DAVUS. Poor soul, is running all about the town +In quest of me. But whither shall I go? +Or which way run? + +CHAR. Why don't you speak to him? + +DAVUS. I'll go. + +PAM. Ho! Davus! Stop, come here! + +DAVUS. Who calls? +O, Pamphilus! the very man.--Heyday! +Charinus too!--Both gentlemen, well met! +I've news for both. + +PAM. I'm ruin'd, Davus. + +DAVUS. Hear me! + +PAM. Undone! + +DAVUS. I know your fears. + +CHAR. My life's at stake. + +DAVUS. Yours I know also. + +PAM. Matrimony mine. + +DAVUS. I know it. + +PAM. But to-day. + +DAVUS. You stun me; plague! +I tell you I know ev'ry thing: you fear (_To CHARINUS._) +You should _not_ marry her.--You fear you _should._ (_To PAM._) + +CHAR. The very thing. + +PAM. The same. + +DAVUS. And yet that _same_ +Is nothing. Mark! + +PAM. Nay, rid me of my fear. + +DAVUS. I will then. Chremes +Won't give his daughter to you. + +PAM. How d'ye know? + +DAVUS. I'm sure of it. Your Father but just now +Takes me aside, and tells me 'twas his will +That you should wed to-day; with much beside, +Which now I have not leisure to repeat. +I, on the instant, hastening to find you, +Run to the Forum to inform you of it: +There, failing, climb an eminence, look round: +No Pamphilus: I light by chance on Byrrhia; +Inquire; he hadn't seen you. Vex'd at heart, +_What's to be done?_ thought I. Returning thence +A doubt arose within me. Ha! bad cheer, +The old man melancholy, and a wedding +Clapp'd up so suddenly! This don't agree. + +PAM. Well, what then? + +DAVUS. I betook me instantly +To Chremes' house; but thither when I came, +Before the door all hush. This tickled me. + +PAM. You're in the right. Proceed. + +DAVUS. I watch'd a while: +Meantime no soul went in, no soul came out; +No matron; in the house no ornament; +No note of preparation. I approach'd, +Look'd in---- + +PAM. I understand: a potent sign! + +DAVUS. Does this seem like a nuptial? + +PAM. I think not, +Davus. + +DAVUS. _Think not_, d'ye say? you don't conceive: +The thing is evident. I met beside, +As I departed thence, with Chremes' boy, +Bearing some pot-herbs, and a pennyworth +Of little fishes for the old man's dinner. + +CHAR. I am deliver'd, Davus, by your means, +From all my apprehensions of to-day. + +DAVUS. And yet you are undone. + +CHAR. How so? Since Chremes +Will not consent to give Philumena +To Pamphilus. + +DAVUS. Ridiculous! As if, +Because the daughter is denied to him, +She must of course wed you. Look to it well; +Court the old Gentleman through friends, apply, +Or else---- + +CHAR. You're right: I will about it straight, +Although that hope has often fail'd. Farewell. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + DAVUS. I will then. Chremes + Won't give his daughter to you. + PAM. How d'ye know? + _Colman 1768_ + DAVUS. I will then. Chremes don't intend his daughter + Shall marry you to-day. + PAM. No! How d'ye know?] + + +SCENE IV. + + _PAMPHILUS. DAVUS._ + +PAM. What means my father then? Why counterfeit? + +DAVUS. That I'll explain. If he were angry now, +Merely that Chremes has refus'd his daughter, +He'd think himself in fault; and justly too, +Before the bias of your mind is known. +But granting you refuse her for a wife, +Then all the blame devolves on you, and then +Comes all the storm. + +PAM. What course then shall I take? +Shall I submit---- + +DAVUS. He is your Father, Sir, +Whom to oppose were difficult; and then +Glycerium's a lone woman; and he'll find +Some course, no matter what, to drive her hence. + +PAM. To drive her hence? + +DAVUS. Directly. + +PAM. Tell me then, +Oh tell me, Davus, what were best to do? + +DAVUS. Say that you'll marry! + +PAM. How! + +DAVUS. And where's the harm? + +PAM. Say that I'll marry! + +DAVUS. Why not? + +PAM. Never, never. + +DAVUS. Do not refuse! + +PAM. Persuade not! + +DAVUS. Do but mark +The consequence. + +PAM. Divorcement from Glycerium. +And marriage with the other. + +DAVUS. No such thing. +Your father, I suppose, accosts you thus. +_I'd have you wed to-day_;--_I will_, quoth you: +What reason has he to reproach you then? +Thus shall you baffle all his settled schemes, +And put him to confusion; all the while +Secure yourself: for 'tis beyond a doubt +That Chremes will refuse his daughter to you; +So obstinately too, you need not pause, +Or change these measures, lest he change his mind; +Say to your father then, that you will wed, +That, with the will, he may want cause to chide. +But if, deluded by fond hopes, you cry, +"No one will wed their daughter to a rake, +A libertine."--Alas, you're much deceiv'd. +For know, your father will redeem some wretch +From rags and beggary to be your wife, +Rather than see your ruin with Glycerium. +But if he thinks you bear an easy mind, +He too will grow indiff'rent, and seek out +Another match at leisure; the mean while +Affairs may take a lucky turn. + +PAM. D'ye think so? + +DAVUS. Beyond all doubt. + +PAM. See, what you lead me to. + +DAVUS. Nay, peace! + +PAM. I'll say so then. But have a care +He knows not of the child, which I've agreed +To educate. + +DAVUS. O confidence! + +PAM. She drew +This promise from me, as a firm assurance +That I would not forsake her. + +DAVUS. We'll take care. +But here's your father: let him not perceive +You're melancholy. + + [Changes: + + _The initial character names "PAMPHILUS. DAVUS." are supplied + from the 1768 edition._] + + +SCENE V. + + _Enter SIMO at a distance._ + +SIMO. I return to see +What they're about, or what they meditate. + +DAVUS. Now is he sure that you'll refuse to wed. +From some dark corner brooding o'er black thoughts +He comes, and fancies he has fram'd a speech +To disconcert you. See, you keep your ground. + +PAM. If I can, Davus. + +DAVUS. Trust me, Pamphilus, +Your father will not change a single word +In anger with you, do but say you'll wed. + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter BYRRHIA behind._ + +BYR. To-day my master bade me leave all else +For Pamphilus, and watch how he proceeds, +About his marriage; wherefore I have now +Followed the old man hither: yonder too +Stands Pamphilus himself, and with him Davus. +To business then! + +SIMO. I see them both together. + +DAVUS. Now mind. (_Apart to PAM._) + +SIMO. Here, Pamphilus! + +DAVUS. Now turn about, +As taken unawares. (_Apart._) + +PAM. Who calls? my father! + +DAVUS. Well said! (_Apart._) + +SIMO. It is my pleasure, that to-day, +As I have told you once before, you marry. + +DAVUS. Now on our part, I fear what he'll reply. (_Aside._) + +PAM. In that, and all the rest of your commands, +I shall be ready to obey you, Sir! + +BYR. How's that! (_Overhearing._) + +DAVUS. Struck dumb. (_Aside._) + +BYR. What said he? (_Listening._) + +SIMO. You perform +Your duty, when you cheerfully comply +With my desires. + +DAVUS. There! said I not the truth? (_Apart to PAM._) + +BYR. My master then, so far as I can find, +May whistle for a wife. + +SIMO. Now then go in +That when you're wanted you be found. + +PAM. I go. (_Exit._ + +BYR. Is there no faith in the affairs of men? +'Tis an old saying and a true one too; +"Of all mankind each loves himself the best." +I've seen the lady; know her beautiful; +And therefore sooner pardon Pamphilus, +If he had rather win her to his arms, +Than yield her to th' embraces of my master. +I will go bear these tidings, and receive +Much evil treatment for my evil news. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _lines taken from 1768 edition_ + PAM. Who calls? my father! + DAVUS. Well said! + SIMO. It is my pleasure ... + _as printed in Harper edition_ + PAM. Who calls? my father! + SIMO. It is my pleasure ...] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Manent SIMO and DAVUS._ + +DAVUS. Now he supposes I've some trick in hand, +And loiter here to practice it on him! + +SIMO. Well, what now, Davus? + +DAVUS. Nothing. + +SIMO. Nothing, say you? + +DAVUS. Nothing at all. + +SIMO. And yet I look'd for something. + +DAVUS. So, I perceive, you did:--This nettles him. (_Aside._) + +SIMO. Can you speak truth? + +DAVUS. Most easily. + +SIMO. Say then, +Is not this wedding irksome to my son, +From his adventure with the Andrian? + +DAVUS. No faith; or if at all, 'twill only be +Two or three days' anxiety, you know; +Then 'twill be over: for he sees the thing +In its true light. + +SIMO. I praise him for't. + +DAVUS. While you +Restrain'd him not; and while his youth allow'd +'Tis true he lov'd; and even then by stealth, +As wise men ought, and careful of his fame. +Now his age calls for matrimony, now +To matrimony he inclines his mind. + +SIMO. Yet, in my eyes, he seem'd a little sad. + +DAVUS. Not upon that account. He has he thinks +Another reason to complain of you. + +SIMO. For what? + +DAVUS. A trifle. + +SIMO. Well, what is't? + +DAVUS. Nay, nothing. + +SIMO. Tell me, what is't? + +DAVUS. You are then, he complains, +Somewhat too sparing of expense. + +SIMO. I? + +DAVUS. You. +A feast of scarce ten Drachms? Does this, says he, +Look like a wedding-supper for his son? +What friends can I invite? especially +At such a time as this?--and, truly, Sir, +You have been very frugal; much too sparing. +I can't commend you for it. + +SIMO. Hold your peace. + +DAVUS. I've ruffled him. (_Aside._) + +SIMO. I'll look to that. Away! (_Exit DAVUS._ +What now? What means the varlet? Precious rogue, +For if there's any knavery on foot, +He, I am sure, is the contriver on't. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + 'Tis true he lov'd; and even then by stealth + _Colman 1768_ + 'Tis true he lov'd; but even then by stealth] + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + + _SIMO, DAVUS, coming out of SIMO'S house.--MYSIS, LESBIA, going + toward the house of GLYCERIUM._ + +MYSIS. Aye, marry, 'tis as you say, Lesbia: +Women scarce ever find a constant man. + +SIMO. The Andrian's maid-servant! Is't not? + +DAVUS. Aye. + +MYSIS. But Pamphilus---- + +SIMO. What says she? (_Overhearing._) + +MYSIS. Has been true. + +SIMO. How's that? (_Overhearing._) + +DAVUS. Would he were deaf, or she were dumb! (_Aside._) + +MYSIS. For the child, boy, or girl, he has resolv'd +To educate. + +SIMO. O Jupiter! what's this +I hear? If this be true, I'm lost indeed. + +LESBIA. A good young Gentleman! + +MYSIS. Oh, very good. +But in, in, lest you make her wait. + +LESBIA. I follow. (_Exeunt MYSIS and LESBIA._ + + +SCENE II. + + _Manent SIMO, DAVUS._ + +DAVUS. Unfortunate! What remedy! (_Aside._) + +SIMO. How's this? (_To himself._) +And can he be so mad? What! educate +A harlot's child!--Ah, now I know their drift: +Fool that I was, scarce smelt it out at last. + +DAVUS (_listening_). What's this he says he has smelt out? + +SIMO. Imprimis, (_To himself._) +'Tis this rogue's trick upon me. All a sham: +A counterfeit deliv'ry, and mock labor, +Devis'd to frighten Chremes from the match. + +GLY. (_within_). Juno Lucina, save me! Help, I pray thee. + +SIMO. Heyday! Already! Oh ridiculous! +Soon as she heard that I was at the door +She hastens to cry out: your incidents +Are ill-tim'd, Davus. + +DAVUS. Mine, Sir? + +SIMO. Are your players +Unmindful of their cues, and want a prompter? + +DAVUS. I do not comprehend you. + +SIMO (_apart._) If this knave +Had, in the real nuptial of my son, +Come thus upon me unprepar'd, what sport, +What scorn he'd have exposed me to? But now +At his own peril be it. I'm secure. + + +SCENE III. + + _Re-enter LESBIA.--ARCHYLLIS appears at the door._ + +LESBIA _to ARCHYLLIS (within)_. As yet, Archyllis, all the symptoms seem +As good as might be wish'd in her condition: +First, let her make ablution: after that, +Drink what I've order'd her, and just so much: +And presently I will be here again. (_Coming forward._) +Now, by this good day, Master Pamphilus +Has got a chopping boy: Heav'n grant it live! +For he's a worthy Gentleman, and scorn'd +To do a wrong to this young innocent. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. + +SIMO. This too where's he that knows you would not swear +Was your contrivance? + +DAVUS. My contrivance! what, Sir? + +SIMO. While in the house, forsooth, the midwife gave +No orders for the Lady in the straw: +But having issued forth into the street, +Bawls out most lustily to those within. +--Oh Davus, am I then so much your scorn? +Seem I so proper to be play'd upon, +With such a shallow, barefac'd, imposition? +You might at least, in reverence, have us'd +Some spice of art, wer't only to pretend +You fear'd my anger, should I find you out. + +DAVUS. I' faith now he deceives himself, not I. (_Aside._) + +SIMO. Did not I give you warning? threaten too, +In case you play'd me false? But all in vain: +For what car'd you?--What! think you I believe +This story of a child by Pamphilus? + +DAVUS. I see his error: Now I know my game. (_Aside._) + +SIMO. Why don't you answer? + +DAVUS. What! you don't believe it! +As if you had not been informed of this? (_Archly._) + +SIMO. I been inform'd? + +DAVUS. What then you found it out? (_Archly._) + +SIMO. D'ye laugh at me? + +DAVUS. You must have been inform'd: +Or whence this shrewd suspicion? + +SIMO. Whence! from you: +Because I know you. + +DAVUS. Meaning, this was done +By my advice? + +SIMO. Beyond all doubt; I know it: + +DAVUS. You do not know me, Simo.---- + +SIMO. I not know you? + +DAVUS. For if I do but speak, immediately +You think yourself impos'd on.---- + +SIMO. Falsely, hey? + +DAVUS. So that I dare not ope my lips before you. + +SIMO. All that I know is this; that nobody +Has been deliver'd here. + +DAVUS. You've found it out? +Yet by-and-by they'll bring the bantling here, +And lay it at our door. Remember, Sir, +I give you warning that will be the case; +That you may stand prepar'd, nor after say, +'Twas done by Davus's advice, his tricks! +I would fain cure your ill opinion of me. + +SIMO. But how d'ye know? + +DAVUS. I've heard so, and believe so. +Besides a thousand things concur to lead +To this conjecture. In the first place, she +Profess'd herself with child by Pamphilus: +That proves a falsehood. Now that she perceives +A nuptial preparation at our house, +A maid's dispatch'd immediately to bring +A midwife to her, and withal a child; +You too they will contrive shall see the child, +Or else the wedding must proceed. + +SIMO. How's this? +Having discover'd such a plot on foot, +Why did you not directly tell my son? + +DAVUS. Who then has drawn him from her but myself? +For we all know how much he doted on her: +But now he wishes for a wife. In fine, +Leave that affair to me; and you meanwhile +Pursue, as you've begun, the nuptials; which +The Gods, I hope, will prosper! + +SIMO. Get you in. +Wait for me there, and see that you prepare +What's requisite. (_Exit DAVUS._ +He has not wrought upon me +To yield implicit credit to his tale, +Nor do I know if all he said be true. +But, true or false, it matters not: to me +My Son's own promise is the main concern. +Now to meet Chremes, and to beg his daughter +In marriage with my son. If I succeed, +What can I rather wish, than to behold +Their marriage-rites to-day? For since my son +Has given me his word, I've not a doubt, +Should he refuse, but I may force him to it: +And to my wishes see where Chremes comes. + + [Changes: + + _The initial direction "_Manent SIMO, DAVUS._" is supplied + from the 1768 edition._ + + _Harper_ + SIMO. I been inform'd? + DAVUS. What then you found it out? + _Colman 1768_ + SIMO. Inform'd? + DAVUS. What then you found it out yourself? + + _Harper_ + DAVUS. I've heard so, and believe so. + Besides a thousand things concur to lead + To this conjecture. In the first place, she + Profess'd herself with child by Pamphilus: + That proves a falsehood. Now that she perceives + A nuptial preparation at our house, + A maid's dispatch'd immediately to bring + _Colman 1768_ + DAVUS. I've heard so, and believe so. + Besides a thousand different things concur + To lead to this conjecture. First, Glycerium + Profess'd herself with child by Pamphilus: + That proves a falsehood. Now as she perceives + A nuptial preparation at our house, + A maid's immediately dispatch'd to bring] + + +SCENE V. + + _Enter CHREMES._ + +SIMO. Chremes, good-day! + +CHREMES. The very man I look'd for. + +SIMO. And I for you. + +CHREMES. Well met.--Some persons came +To tell me you inform'd them, that my daughter +Was to be married to your son to-day: +And therefore came I here, and fain would know +Whether 'tis you or they have lost their wits. + +SIMO. A moment's hearing; you shall be inform'd, +What I request, and what you wish to know. + +CHREMES. I hear: what would you? speak. + +SIMO. Now by the Gods; +Now by our friendship, Chremes, which begun +In infancy, has still increas'd with age; +Now by your only daughter, and my son, +Whose preservation wholly rests on you; +Let me entreat this boon: and let the match +Which should have been, still be. + +CHREMES. Why, why entreat? +Knowing you ought not to beseech this of me. +Think you that I am other than I was, +When first I gave my promise? If the match +Be good for both, e'en call them forth to wed. +But if their union promises more harm +Than good to both, you also, I beseech you, +Consult our common interest, as if +You were her father, Pamphilus my son. + +SIMO. E'en in that spirit, I desire it, Chremes, +Entreat it may be done; nor would entreat, +But that occasion urges. + +CHREMES. What occasion? + +SIMO. A diff'rence 'twixt Glycerium and my son. + +CHREMES. I hear. (_Ironically._) + +SIMO. A breach so wide as gives me hopes +To sep'rate them forever. + +CHREMES. Idle tales! + +SIMO. Indeed 'tis thus. + +CHREMES. Aye marry, thus it is. +Quarrels of lovers but renew their love. + +SIMO. Prevent we then, I pray, this mischief now; +While time permits, while yet his passion's sore +From contumelies; ere these women's wiles, +Their wicked arts, and tears made up of fraud +Shake his weak mind, and melt it to compassion. +Give him a wife: by intercourse with her, +Knit by the bonds of wedlock, soon I hope, +He'll rise above the guilt that sinks him now. + +CHREMES. So you believe: for me, I can not think +That he'll be constant, or that I can bear it. + +SIMO. How can you know, unless you make the trial? + +CHREMES. Aye, but to make that trial on a daughter +Is hard indeed. + +SIMO. The mischief, should he fail, +Is only this: divorce, which Heav'n forbid! +But mark what benefits if he amend! +First, to your friend you will restore a son; +Gain to yourself a son-in-law, and match +Your daughter to an honest husband. + +CHREMES. Well! +Since you're so thoroughly convinc'd 'tis right, +I can deny you naught that lies in me. + +SIMO. I see I ever lov'd you justly, Chremes. + +CHREMES. But then---- + +SIMO. But what? + +CHREMES. Whence is't you know +That there's a difference between them? + +SIMO. Davus, +Davus, in all their secrets, told me so; +Advis'd me too, to hasten on the match +As fast as possible. Would he, d'ye think, +Do that, unless he were full well assur'd +My son desir'd it too?--Hear, what he says. +Ho there! call Davus forth.--But here he comes. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + CHREMES. Whence is't you know + _Colman 1768_ + CHREMES. From whence are you appriz'd] + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter DAVUS._ + +DAVUS. I was about to seek you. + +SIMO. What's the matter? + +DAVUS. Why is not the bride sent for? it grows late. + +SIMO. D'ye hear him?--Davus, I for some time past +Was fearful of you; lest, like other slaves, +As slaves go now, you should put tricks upon me, +And baffle me, to favor my son's love. + +DAVUS. I, Sir? + +SIMO. I thought so: and in fear of that +Conceal'd a secret which I'll now disclose. + +DAVUS. What secret, Sir? + +SIMO. I'll tell you: for I now +Almost begin to think you may be trusted. + +DAVUS. You've found what sort of man I am at last. + +SIMO. No marriage was intended. + +DAVUS. How! none! + +SIMO. None. +All counterfeit, to sound my son and you. + +DAVUS. How say you? + +SIMO. Even so. + +DAVUS. Alack, alack! +I never could have thought it. Ah, what art! (_Archly._) + +SIMO. Hear me. No sooner had I sent you in. +But opportunely I encountered Chremes. + +DAVUS. How! are we ruin'd then? (_Aside._) + +SIMO. I told him all. +That you had just told me,---- + +DAVUS. Confusion! how? (_Aside._) + +SIMO. Begged him to grant his daughter, and at length +With much ado prevail'd. + +DAVUS. Undone! (_Aside._) + +SIMO. How's that? (_Overhearing._) + +DAVUS. Well done! I said. + +SIMO. My good friend Chremes then +Is now no obstacle. + +CHREMES. I'll home a while, +Order due preparations, and return. (_Exit._ + +SIMO. Prithee, now, Davus, seeing you alone +Have brought about this match---- + +DAVUS. Yes, I alone. + +SIMO. Endeavor farther to amend my son. + +DAVUS. Most diligently. + +SIMO. It were easy now, +While his mind's irritated. + +DAVUS. Be at peace. + +SIMO. Do then: where is he? + +DAVUS. Probably at home. + +SIMO. I'll in, and tell him, what I've now told you. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE VII. + + _DAVUS alone._ + +Lost and undone! To prison with me straight! +No prayer, no plea: for I have ruin'd all! +Deceiv'd the old man, hamper'd Pamphilus +With marriage; marriage, brought about to-day +By my sole means; beyond the hopes of one; +Against the other's will.----Oh, cunning fool! +Had I been quiet, all had yet been well. +But see, he's coming. Would my neck were broken! (_Retires._) + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Enter PAMPHILUS; DAVUS behind._ + +PAM. Where is this villain that has ruined me? + +DAVUS. I'm a lost man. + +PAM. And yet I must confess, +That I deserv'd this, being such a dolt, +A very idiot, to commit my fortunes +To a vile slave. I suffer for my folly, +But will at least take vengeance on him. + +DAVUS. If I can but escape this mischief now, +I'll answer for hereafter. + +PAM. To my father +What shall I say?--And can I then refuse, +Who have but now consented? with what face? +I know not what to do. + +DAVUS. I'faith, nor I; +And yet it takes up all my thoughts. I'll tell him +I've hit on something to delay the match. + +PAM. Oh! (_Seeing DAVUS._) + +DAVUS. I am seen. + +PAM. So, good Sir! What say you? +See, how I'm hamper'd with your fine advice. + +DAVUS (_coming forward_). But I'll deliver you. + +PAM. Deliver me? + +DAVUS. Certainly, Sir. + +PAM. What, as you did just now? + +DAVUS. Better, I hope. + +PAM. And can you then believe +That I would trust you, rascal? You amend +My broken fortunes, or redeem them lost? +You, who to-day, from the most happy state, +Have thrown me upon marriage.--Did not I +Foretell it would be thus? + +DAVUS. You did indeed. + +PAM. And what do you deserve for this? + +DAVUS. The gallows. +--Yet suffer me to take a little breath, +I'll devise something presently. + +PAM. Alas, +I have not leisure for your punishment. +The time demands attention to myself, +Nor will be wasted in revenge on you. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + But will at least take vengeance on him. + DAVUS. If I can but escape this mischief now + _Colman 1768_ + But will at least take vengeance upon him. + DAVUS. Let me but once escape the present danger] + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _CHARINUS alone._ + +Is this to be believ'd, or to be told? +Can then such inbred malice live in man, +To joy in ill, and from another's woes +To draw his own delight?--Ah, is't then so? +--Yes, such there are, the meanest of mankind, +Who, from a sneaking bashfulness, at first +Dare not refuse; but when the time comes on +To make their promise good, then force perforce +Open themselves and fear: yet must deny. +Then too, oh shameless impudence, they cry, +"Who then are you? and what are you to me? +Why should I render up my love to you? +Faith, neighbor, charity begins at home." +--Speak of their broken faith, they blush not, they, +Now throwing off that shame they ought to wear, +Which they before assum'd without a cause. +--What shall I do? go to him? on my wrongs +Expostulate, and throw reproaches on him? +What will that profit, say you?----very much. +I shall at least imbitter his delight, +And gratify my anger. + + [Changes: + + To make their promise good, then force perforce + _Harper edition has "per force"_] + + +SCENE II. + + _To him PAMPHILUS and DAVUS._ + +PAM. Oh, Charinus, +By my imprudence, unless Heav'n forefend, +I've ruin'd both myself and you. + +CHAR. Imprudence! +Paltry evasion! you have broke your faith. + +PAM. What now? + +CHAR. And do you think that words like these +Can baffle me again? + +PAM. What means all this? + +CHAR. Soon as I told you of my passion for her, +Then she had charms for you.----Ah, senseless fool, +To judge your disposition by my own! + +PAM. You are mistaken. + +CHAR. Was your joy no joy, +Without abusing a fond lover's mind, +Fool'd on with idle hopes?--Well, take her. + +PAM. Take her? +Alas, you know not what a wretch I am: +How many cares this slave has brought upon me, +My rascal here. + +CHAR. No wonder if he takes +Example from his master. + +PAM. Ah, you know not +Me, or my love, or else you would not talk thus. + +CHAR. Oh yes, I know it all. You had but now +A dreadful altercation with your father: +And therefore he's enrag'd, nor could prevail +On you, forsooth, to wed. (_Ironically._) + +PAM. To show you then, +How little you conceive of my distress, +These nuptials were mere semblance, mock'ry all, +Nor was a wife intended me. + +CHAR. I know it: +You are constrain'd, poor man, by inclination. + +PAM. Nay, but have patience! you don't know---- + +CHAR. I know +That you're to marry her. + +PAM. Why rack me thus? +Nay hear! he never ceas'd to importune +That I would tell my father, I would wed; +So press'd, and urg'd, that he at length prevail'd. + +CHAR. Who did this? + +PAM. Davus. + +CHAR. Davus! + +PAM. Davus all. + +CHAR. Wherefore? + +PAM. I know not: but I know the Gods +Meant in their anger I should listen to him. + +CHAR. Is it so, Davus? + +DAVUS. Even so. + +CHAR. How, villain? +The Gods confound you for it!--Tell me, wretch +Had all his most inveterate foes desir'd +To throw him on this marriage, what advice +Could they have given else? + +DAVUS. I am deceiv'd, +But not dishearten'd. + +CHAR. True. (_Ironically._) + +DAVUS. This way has fail'd; +We'll try another way: unless you think +Because the business has gone ill at first, +We can not graft advantage on misfortune. + +PAM. Oh aye, I warrant you, if you look to 't, +Out of one wedding you can work me two. + +DAVUS. Pamphilus, 'tis my duty, as your slave, +To strive with might and main, by day and night +With hazard of my life, to do you service: +'Tis yours, if I am cross'd, to pardon me. +My undertakings fail indeed, but then +I spare no pains. Do better, if you can, +And send me packing. + +PAM. Aye, with all my heart: +Place me but where you found me first. + +DAVUS. I will. + +PAM. But do it instantly. + +DAVUS. Hist! hold a while: +I hear the creaking of Glycerium's door. + +PAM. Nothing to you. + +DAVUS. I'm thinking. + +PAM. What, at last? + +DAVUS. Your business shall be done, and presently. + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter MYSIS._ + +MYSIS _to GLYCERIUM (within)_. Be where he will, I'll find your + Pamphilus, +And bring him with me. Meanwhile, you, my soul, +Forbear to vex yourself. + +PAM. Mysis! + +MYSIS. Who's there? +Oh Pamphilus, well met, Sir! + +PAM. What's the matter? + +MYSIS. My mistress, by the love you bear her, begs +Your presence instantly. She longs to see you. + +PAM. Ah, I'm undone: This sore breaks out afresh. +Unhappy that we are, through your curs'd means, +To be tormented thus. (_To DAVUS._)--She has been told +A nuptial is prepar'd and therefore sends. + +CHAR. From which how safe you were, had he been quiet! (_Pointing to + DAVUS._) + +DAVUS. Aye, if he raves not of himself enough, +Do, irritate him. (_To CHARINUS._) + +MYSIS. Truly that's the cause; +And therefore 'tis, poor soul, she sorrows thus. + +PAM. Mysis, I swear to thee by all the Gods, +I never will desert her: though assur'd +That I for her make all mankind my foes. +I sought her, carried her: our hearts are one, +And farewell they that wish us put asunder! +Death, naught but death shall part us. + +MYSIS. I revive. + +PAM. Apollo's oracles are not more true. +If that my father may be wrought upon, +To think I hinder'd not the match, 'tis well: +But if that can not be, come what come may, +Why let him know, 'twas I--What think you now? (_To CHARINUS._) + +CHAR. That we are wretches both. + +DAVUS. My brain 's at work. + +CHAR. O brave! + +PAM. I know what you'd attempt. + +DAVUS. Well, well! +I will effect it for you. + +PAM. Aye, but now. + +DAVUS. E'en now. + +CHAR. What is't? + +DAVUS. For him, Sir, not for you. +Be not mistaken. + +CHAR. I am satisfied. + +PAM. Say, what do you propose? + +DAVUS. This day, I fear, +Is scarce sufficient for the execution, +So think not I have leisure to relate. +Hence then! you hinder me: hence, hence I say. + +PAM. I'll to Glycerium. (_Exit._ + +DAVUS. Well, and what mean you? +Whither will you, Sir? + +CHAR. Shall I speak the truth? + +DAVUS. Oh to be sure: now for a tedious tale! + +CHAR. What will become of me? + +DAVUS. How! not content! +Is it not then sufficient, if I give you +The respite of a day, a little day, +By putting off his wedding? + +CHAR. Aye, but Davus,---- + +DAVUS. But what? + +CHAR. That I may wed---- + +DAVUS. Ridiculous! + +CHAR. If you succeed, come to me. + +DAVUS. Wherefore come? +I can't assist you. + +CHAR. Should it so fall out---- + +DAVUS. Well, well, I'll come. + +CHAR. If aught, I am at home. (_Exit._ + + [Erratum: + + _1768 edition prints "SEENE III."] + + +SCENE IV. + + _Manent DAVUS, MYSIS._ + +DAVUS. Mysis, wait here till I come forth. + +MYSIS. For what? + +DAVUS. It must be so. + +MYSIS. Make haste then. + +DAVUS. In a moment. (_Exit to GLYCERIUM'S._ + + +SCENE V. + + _MYSIS alone._ + +Can we securely then count nothing ours? +Oh all ye Gods! I thought this Pamphilus +The greatest good my mistress could obtain, +Friend, lover, husband, ev'ry way a blessing: +And yet what woe, poor wretch, endures she not +On his account? Alas, more ill than good. +But here comes Davus. + + +SCENE VI. + + _Re-enter DAVUS with the child._ + +MYSIS. Prithee, man, what now? +Where are you carrying the child? + +DAVUS. Oh, Mysis, +Now have I need of all your ready wit, +And all your cunning. + +MYSIS. What are you about? + +DAVUS. Quick, take the boy, and lay him at our door. + +MYSIS. What, on the bare ground? + +DAVUS. From the altar then +Take herbs and strew them underneath. + +MYSIS. And why +Can't you do that yourself? + +DAVUS. Because, that if +My master chance to put me to my oath +That 'twas not I who laid it there, I may +With a safe conscience swear. (_Gives her the child._) + +MYSIS. I understand. +But pray how came this sudden qualm upon you? + +DAVUS. Nay, but be quick, that you may comprehend +What I propose.-- (_MYSIS lays the child at SIMO'S door._) +Oh Jupiter! (_Looking out._) + +MYSIS. What now? + +DAVUS. Here comes the father of the bride!--I change +My first-intended purpose. + +MYSIS. What you mean +I can't imagine. + +DAVUS. This way from the right, +I'll counterfeit to come:--And be't your care +To throw in aptly now and then a word, +To help out the discourse as need requires. + +MYSIS. Still what you're at, I can not comprehend. +But if I can assist, as you know best, +Not to obstruct your purposes, I'll stay. (_DAVUS retires._) + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + DAVUS. Because, that if + My master chance to put me to my oath + That 'twas not I who laid it there, I may + With a safe conscience swear. + MYSIS. I understand. + _Colman 1768_ + DAVUS. Because, supposing + There should be need to swear to my old master + I did not lay the bantling there myself + I may with a safe conscience. + MYSIS. I conceive.] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Enter CHREMES going toward SIMO'S._ + +CHREMES. Having provided all things necessary. +I now return to bid them call the bride. +What's here? (_seeing the child_) by Hercules, a child! Ha, woman, +Was't you that laid it here? + +MYSIS. Where is he gone? (_Looking after DAVUS._) + +CHREMES. What, won't you answer me? + +MYSIS. (_Looking about._) Not here: Ah me! +The fellow's gone, and left me in the lurch. + +(_DAVUS coming forward and pretending not to see them._) + +DAVUS. Good Heavens, what confusion at the Forum! +The people all disputing with each other! +The market-price is so confounded high. (_Loud._) +What to say else I know not. (_Aside._) + +MYSIS (_to DAVUS_). What d'ye mean, (_CHREMES retires and listens to + their conversation._) +By leaving me alone? + +DAVUS. What farce is this? +Ha, Mysis, whence this child? Who brought it here? + +MYSIS. Have you your wits, to ask me such a question? + +DAVUS. Whom should I ask, when no one else is here? + +CHREMES (_behind_). I wonder whence it comes. (_To himself._) + +DAVUS. Wilt answer me! (_Loud._) + +MYSIS. Ah! (_Confused._) + +DAVUS. This way to the right! (_Apart to MYSIS._) + +MYSIS. You're raving mad. +Was 't not yourself! + +DAVUS. I charge you not a word, +But what I ask you. (_Apart to MYSIS._) + +MYSIS. Do you threaten me? + +DAVUS. Whence comes this child? (_Loud._) + +MYSIS. From our house. + +DAVUS. Ha! ha! ha! +No wonder that a harlot has assurance. + +CHREMES. This is the Andrian's servant-maid, I take it. + +DAVUS. Do we then seem to you such proper folks +To play these tricks upon? (_Loud to MYSIS._) + +CHREMES. I came in time. (_To himself._) + +DAVUS. Make haste, and take your bantling from our door. (_Loud._) +Hold! do not stir from where you are, be sure. (_Softly._) + +MYSIS. A plague upon you: you so terrify me! + +DAVUS. Wench, did I speak to you or no? (_Loud._) + +MYSIS. What would you? + +DAVUS. What would I? Say, whose child have you laid here? +Tell me. (_Loud._) + +MYSIS. You don't know? + +DAVUS. Plague of what I know: +Tell what I ask. (_Softly._) + +MYSIS. Yours. + +DAVUS. Ours? Whose? (_Loud._) + +MYSIS. Pamphilus's. + +DAVUS. How say you? Pamphilus's? (_Loud._) + +MYSIS. Why is 't not? + +CHREMES. I had good cause to be against this match. (_To himself._) + +DAVUS. O monstrous impudence! (_Bawling._) + +MYSIS. Why all this noise? + +DAVUS. Did not I see this child convey'd by stealth +Into your house last night? + +MYSIS. Oh rogue! + +DAVUS. 'Tis true. +I saw old Canthara stuff'd out? + +MYSIS. Thank Heav'n, +Some free-women were present at her labor? + +DAVUS. Troth, she don't know the gentleman, for whom +She plays this game. She thinks, should Chremes see +The child laid here, he would not grant his daughter. +Faith, he would grant her the more willingly. + +CHREMES. Not he indeed. (_To himself._) + +DAVUS. But now, one word for all, +Take up the child; or I shall trundle him +Into the middle of the street, and roll +You, madam, in the mire. + +MYSIS. The fellow's drunk. + +DAVUS. One piece of knavery begets another: +Now, I am told, 'tis whisper'd all about, +That she's a citizen of Athens-- (_Loud._) + +CHREMES. How! + +DAVUS. And that by law he will be forc'd to wed her. + +MYSIS. Why prithee is she not a citizen? + +CHREMES. What a fine scrape was I within a hair +Of being drawn into! (_To himself._) + +DAVUS. What voice is that? (_Turning about._) +Oh Chremes! you are come in time. Attend! + +CHREMES. I have heard all already. + +DAVUS. You've heard all? + +CHREMES. Yes all, I say, from first to last. + +DAVUS. Indeed? +Good lack, what knaveries! this lying jade +Should be dragg'd hence to torture.--This is he! (_To MYSIS._) +Think not 'twas Davus you impos'd upon. + +MYSIS. Ah me!--Good Sir, I spoke the truth indeed. + +CHREMES. I know the whole.--Is Simo in the house? + +DAVUS. Yes, Sir. (_Exit CHREMES._ + + [Changes: + + Hold! do not stir from where you are, be sure. + _Harper edition has "besure"_ + + _Harper_ + DAVUS. How say you? Pamphilus's? + MYSIS. Why is 't not? + _Colman 1768_ + DAVUS. How say you? Pamphilus's? + MYSIS. To be sure.] + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Manent DAVUS, MYSIS. DAVUS runs up to her._ + +MYSIS. Don't offer to touch me, you villain! +If I don't tell my mistress every word---- + +DAVUS. Why you don't know, you fool, what good we've done. + +MYSIS. How should I? + +DAVUS. This is father to the bride: +Nor could it otherwise have been contriv'd +That he should know what we would have him. + +MYSIS. Well, +You should have given me notice. + +DAVUS. Is there then +No diff'rence, think you, whether all you say +Falls natural from the heart, or comes +From dull premeditation? + + +SCENE IX. + + _Enter CRITO._ + +CRITO. In this street +They say that Chrysis liv'd: who rather chose +To heap up riches here by wanton ways, +Than to live poor and honestly at home: +She dead, her fortune comes by law to me. +But I see persons to inquire of. (_Goes up._) Save you! + +MYSIS. Good now, who's that I see? is it not Crito, +Chrysis's kinsman? Aye, the very same. + +CRITO. O Mysis, save you! + +MYSIS. Save you, Crito! + +CRITO. Chrysis +Is then--ha? + +MYSIS. Aye, she has left us, poor souls! + +CRITO. And ye; how go ye on here?--pretty well? + +MYSIS. We?--as we _can_, as the old saying goes, +When as we _would_ we can not. + +CRITO. And Glycerium, +Has she found out her parents? + +MYSIS. Would she had! + +CRITO. Not yet! an ill wind blew me hither then. +For truly, had I been appris'd of that, +I'd ne'er have set foot here: for this Glycerium +Was always call'd and thought to be her sister. +What Chrysis left, she takes possession of: +And now for me, a stranger, to commence +A lawsuit here, how good and wise it were, +Other examples teach me. She, I warrant, +Has got her some gallant too, some defender: +For she was growing up a jolly girl +When first she journeyed hither. They will cry +That I'm a pettifogger, fortune-hunter, +A beggar.--And besides it were not well +To leave her in distress. + +MYSIS. Good soul! troth Crito, +You have the good old-fashion'd honesty. + +CRITO. Well, since I am arriv'd here, bring me to her, +That I may see her. + +MYSIS. Aye, with all my heart. + +DAVUS. I will in with them: for I would not choose +That our old gentleman should see me now. (_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _CHREMES, SIMO._ + +CHREMES. Enough already, Simo, and enough +I've shown my friendship for you; hazarded +Enough of peril: urge me then no more! +Wishing to please you, I had near destroy'd +My daughter's peace and happiness forever. + +SIMO. Ah, Chremes, I must now entreat the more, +More urge you to confirm the promis'd boon. + +CHREMES. Mark, how unjust you are through willfulness! +So you obtain what you demand, you set +No bounds to my compliance, nor consider +What you request; for if you did consider, +You'd cease to load me with these injuries. + +SIMO. What injuries? + +CHREMES. Is that a question now? +Have you not driven me to plight my child +To one possess'd with other love, averse +To marriage; to expose her to divorce, +And crazy nuptials; by her woe and bane +To work a cure for your distemper'd son? +You had prevail'd: I travel'd in the match, +While circumstances would admit; but now +The case is chang'd, content you:--It is said +That she's a citizen; a child is born: +Prithee excuse us! + +SIMO. Now, for Heav'n's sake. +Believe not them, whose interest it is +To make him vile and abject as themselves. +These stories are all feign'd, concerted all, +To break the match: when the occasion's past +That urges them to this, they will desist. + +CHREMES. Oh, you mistake: e'en now I saw the maid +Wrangling with Davus. + +SIMO. Artifice! mere trick. + +CHREMES. Aye, but in earnest; and when neither knew +That I was there. + +SIMO. It may be so: and Davus +Told me beforehand they'd attempt all this; +Though I, I know not how, forgot to tell you. + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter DAVUS from GLYCERIUM'S._ + +DAVUS (_to himself_). He may be easy now, I warrant him---- + +CHREMES. See yonder's Davus. + +SIMO. Ha! whence comes the rogue? + +DAVUS. By my assistance, and this stranger's safe. (_To himself._) + +SIMO. What mischief's this? (_Listening._) + +DAVUS. A more commodious man, +Arriving just in season, at a time +So critical, I never knew. (_To himself._) + +SIMO. A knave! +Who's that he praises? (_Listening._) + +DAVUS. All is now secure. (_To himself._) + +SIMO. Why don't I speak to him? + +DAVUS. My master here! (_Turning about._) +What shall I do? (_To himself._) + +SIMO. Good Sir, your humble Servant! (_Sneering._) + +DAVUS. Oh, Simo! and our Chremes!--All is now +Prepar'd within. + +SIMO. You've taken special care. (_Ironically._) + +DAVUS. E'en call them when you please. + +SIMO. Oh, mighty fine! +That to be sure is all that's wanting now. +--But tell me, Sir! what business had you there? (_Pointing to + GLYCERIUM'S._) + +DAVUS. I? (_Confused._) + +SIMO. You? + +DAVUS. I--? (_Stammering._) + +SIMO. You, Sir. + +DAVUS. I went in but now. (_Disordered._) + +SIMO. As if I ask'd, how long it was ago. + +DAVUS. With Pamphilus. + +SIMO. Is Pamphilus within? +--Oh torture.--Did not you assure me, Sirrah, +They were at variance? + +DAVUS. So they are. + +SIMO. Why then +Is Pamphilus within? + +CHREMES. Oh, why d'ye think? +He's gone to quarrel with her. (_Sneering._) + +DAVUS. Nay, but Chremes, +There's more in this, and you shall hear strange news. +There's an old countryman, I know not who, +Is just arriv'd here; confident and shrewd; +His look bespeaks him of some consequence. +A grave severity is in his face, +And credit in his words. + +SIMO. What story now? + +DAVUS. Nay, nothing, Sir, but what I heard him say. + +SIMO. And what says he, then? + +DAVUS. That he's well assur'd +Glycerium's an Athenian citizen. + +SIMO. Ho, Dromo! Dromo! + +DAVUS. What now? + +SIMO. Dromo! + +DAVUS. Hear me. + +SIMO. Speak but a word more--Dromo! + +DAVUS. Pray, Sir, hear! + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter DROMO._ + +DROMO. Your pleasure, Sir? + +SIMO. Here, drag him headlong in, +And truss the rascal up immediately. + +DROMO. Whom? + +SIMO. Davus. + +DAVUS. Why! + +SIMO. Because I'll have it so. +Take him, I say. + +DAVUS. For what offense? + +SIMO. Off with him! + +DAVUS. If it appear that I've said aught but truth, +Put me to death. + +SIMO. I will not hear. I'll trounce you. + +DAVUS. But though it should prove true, Sir! + +SIMO. True or false. +See that you keep him bound: and do you hear? +Bind the slave hand and foot. Away! (_Exeunt DROMO and DAVUS._ + + +SCENE IV. + + _Manent SIMO, CHREMES._ + +--By Heav'n, +As I do live, I'll make you know this day +What peril lies in trifling with a master, +And make him know what 'tis to plague a father. + +CHREMES. Ah, be not in such rage. + +SIMO. Oh Chremes, Chremes, +Filial unkindness!--Don't you pity me! +To feel all this for such a thankless son!---- +Here, Pamphilus, come forth! ho, Pamphilus! +Have you no shame? (_Calling at GLYCERIUM'S door._) + + +SCENE V. + + _Enter PAMPHILUS._ + +PAM. Who calls?--Undone! my father! + +SIMO. What say you? Most---- + +CHREMES. Ah, rather speak at once +Your purpose, Simo, and forbear reproach. + +SIMO. As if 'twere possible to utter aught +Severer than he merits!--Tell me then; (_To PAM._) +Glycerium is a citizen? + +PAM. They say so. + +SIMO. They say so!--Oh amazing impudence!---- +Does he consider what he says? does he +Repent the deed? or does his color take +The hue of shame?--To be so weak of soul, +Against the custom of our citizens, +Against the law, against his father's will, +To wed himself to shame and this vile woman. + +PAM. Wretch that I am! + +SIMO. Ah, Pamphilus! d'ye feel +Your wretchedness at last? Then, then, when first +You wrought upon your mind at any rate +To gratify your passion: from that hour +Well might you feel your state of wretchedness. +--But why give in to this? Why torture thus, +Why vex my spirit? Why afflict my age +For his distemp'rature? Why rue his sins? +--No; let him have her, joy in her, live with her. + +PAM. My father!---- + +SIMO. How, my father!--can I think +You want this father? You that for yourself +A home, a wife, and children have acquir'd +Against your father's will? And witnesses +Suborn'd, to prove that she's a citizen? +--You've gain'd your point. + +PAM. My father, but one word! + +SIMO. What would you say? + +CHREMES. Nay, hear him, Simo. + +SIMO. Hear him? +What must I hear then, Chremes! + +CHREMES. Let him speak. + +SIMO. Well, let him speak: I hear him. + +PAM. I confess, +I love Glycerium: if it be a fault, +That too I do confess. To you, my father, +I yield myself: dispose me as you please! +Command me! Say that I shall take a wife; +Leave her; I will endure it, as I may---- +This only I beseech you, think not I +Suborn'd this old man hither.--Suffer me +To clear myself, and bring him here before you. + +SIMO. Bring him here! + +PAM. Let me, father! + +CHREMES. 'Tis but just: +Permit him! + +PAM. Grant me this! + +SIMO. Well, be it so. (_Exit PAMPHILUS._ +I could bear all this bravely, Chremes; more, +Much more, to know that he deceiv'd me not. + +CHREMES. For a great fault a little punishment +Suffices to a father. + + +SCENE VI. + + _Re-enter PAMPHILUS with CRITO._ + +CRITO. Say no more! +Any of these inducements would prevail: +Or your entreaty, or that it is truth, +Or that I wish it for Glycerium's sake. + +CHREMES. Whom do I see? Crito, the Andrian? +Nay certainly 'tis Crito. + +CRITO. Save you, Chremes! + +CHREMES. What has brought you to Athens? + +CRITO. Accident. +But is this Simo? + +CHREMES. Aye. + +SIMO. Asks he for me? +So, Sir, you say that this Glycerium +Is an Athenian citizen? + +CRITO. Do you +Deny it? + +SIMO. What then are you come prepar'd? + +CRITO. Prepar'd! for what? + +SIMO. And dare you ask for what? +Shall you go on thus with impunity? +Lay snares for inexperienc'd, lib'ral youth, +With fraud, temptation, and fair promises +Soothing their minds?---- + +CRITO. Have you your wits? + +SIMO. --And then +With marriage solder up their harlot loves? + +PAM. Alas, I fear the stranger will not bear this. (_Aside._) + +CHREMES. Knew you this person, Simo, you'd not think thus: +He's a good man. + +SIMO. A good man he?--To come, +Although at Athens never seen till now, +So opportunely on the wedding-day!---- +Is such a fellow to be trusted, Chremes? + +PAM. But that I fear my father, I could make +That matter clear to him. (_Aside._) + +SIMO. A Sharper! + +CRITO. How? + +CHREMES. It is his humor, Crito: do not heed him. + +CRITO. Let him look to 't. If he persists in saying +Whate'er he pleases, I shall make him hear +Something that may displease him.--Do I stir +In these affairs, or make them my concern? +Bear your misfortunes patiently! For me, +If I speak true or false, shall now be known. +--"A man of Athens once upon a time +Was shipwreck'd on the coast of Andros: with him +This very woman, then an infant. He +In this distress applied, it so fell out, +For help to Chrysis' father--" + +SIMO. All romance. + +CHREMES. Let him alone. + +CRITO. And will he interrupt me? + +CHREMES. Go on. + +CRITO. "Now Chrysis' father, who receiv'd him, +Was my relation. There I've often heard +The man himself declare, he was of Athens. +There too he died." + +CHREMES. His name? + +CRITO. His name so quickly!-- Phania. + +CHREMES. Amazement! + +CRITO. By my troth, I think 'twas Phania; +But this I'm sure, he said he was of Rhamnus. + +CHREMES. Oh Jupiter! + +CRITO. These circumstances, Chremes, +Were known to many others, then in Andros. + +CHREMES. Heav'n grant it may be as I wish!--Inform me, +Whose daughter, said he, was the child? his own? + +CRITO. No, not his own. + +CHREMES. Whose then? + +CRITO. His brother's daughter. + +CHREMES. Mine, mine undoubtedly! + +CRITO. What say you? + +SIMO. How! + +PAM. Hark, Pamphilus! + +SIMO. But why believe you this? + +CHREMES. That Phania was my brother. + +SIMO. True. I knew him. + +CHREMES. He, to avoid the war, departed hence: +And fearing 'twere unsafe to leave the child, +Embark'd with her in quest of me for Asia: +Since when I've heard no news of him till now. + +PAM. I'm scarce myself, my mind is so enrapt +With fear, hope, joy, and wonder of so great, +So sudden happiness. + +SIMO. Indeed, my Chremes, +I heartily rejoice she's found your daughter. + +PAM. I do believe you, father. + +CHREMES. But one doubt +There still remains, which gives me pain. + +PAM. Away +With all your doubts! you puzzle a plain cause. (_Aside._) + +CRITO. What is that doubt? + +CHREMES. The name does not agree. + +CRITO. She had another, when a child. + +CHREMES. What, Crito? +Can you remember? + +CRITO. I am hunting for it. + +PAM. Shall then his memory oppose my bliss, +When I can minister the cure myself? +No, I will not permit it--Hark you, Chremes, +The name is Pasibula. + +CRITO. True. + +CHREMES. The same. + +PAM. I've heard it from herself a thousand times. + +SIMO. Chremes, I trust you will believe, we all +Rejoice at this. + +CHREMES. 'Fore Heaven I believe so. + +PAM. And now, my father---- + +SIMO. Peace, son! the event +Has reconcil'd me. + +PAM. O thou best of fathers! +Does Chremes too confirm Glycerium mine? + +CHREMES. And with good cause if Simo hinder not. + +PAM. Sir! (_To SIMO._) + +SIMO. Be it so. + +CHREMES. My daughter's portion is +Ten talents, Pamphilus. + +PAM. I am content. + +CHREMES. I'll to her instantly: and prithee, Crito, +Along with me! for sure she knows me not. (_Exeunt CHREMES and CRITO._ + +SIMO. Why do you not give orders instantly +To bring her to our house? + +PAM. Th' advice is good. +I'll give that charge to Davus. + +SIMO. It can't be. + +PAM. Why? + +SIMO. He has other business of his own, +Of nearer import to himself. + +PAM. What business? + +SIMO. He's bound. + +PAM. Bound! how, Sir! + +SIMO. How, Sir?--neck and heels. + +PAM. Ah, let him be enlarg'd. + +SIMO. It shall be done. + +PAM. But instantly. + +SIMO. I'll in, and order it. (_Exit._ + +PAM. Oh what a happy, happy day is this! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + CHREMES. His name? + CRITO. His name so quickly!-- Phania. + CHREMES. Amazement! + CRITO. By my troth, I think 'twas Phania + _Colman 1768_ + CHREMES. His name? + CRITO. His name so quickly!-- + Phania. + CHREMES. Amazement! + CRITO. Troth, I think 'twas Phania] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Enter CHARINUS behind._ + +CHAR. I come to see what Pamphilus is doing: +And there he is! + +PAM. And is this true?--yes, yes, +I know 'tis true, because I wish it so. +Therefore I think the life of Gods eternal, +For that their joys are permanent: and now, +My soul hath her content so absolute, +That I too am immortal, if no ill +Step in betwixt me and this happiness. +Oh, for a bosom-friend now to pour out +My ecstasies before him! + +CHAR. What's this rapture? (_Listening._) + +PAM. Oh, yonder's Davus: nobody more welcome: +For he, I know, will join in transport with me. + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Enter DAVUS._ + +DAVUS (_entering_). Where's Pamphilus? + +PAM. Oh Davus! + +DAVUS. Who's there? + +PAM. I. + +DAVUS. Oh Pamphilus! + +PAM. You know not my good fortune. + +DAVUS. Do you know my ill fortune? + +PAM. To a tittle. + +DAVUS. 'Tis after the old fashion, that my ills +Should reach your ears, before your joys reach mine. + +PAM. Glycerium has discover'd her relations. + +DAVUS. O excellent! + +CHAR. How's that? (_Listening._) + +PAM. Her father is +Our most near friend. + +DAVUS. Who? + +PAM. Chremes. + +DAVUS. Charming news! + +PAM. And I'm to marry her immediately. + +CHAR. Is this man talking in his sleep, and dreams +On what he wishes waking? (_Listening._) + +PAM. And moreover, +For the child, Davus---- + +DAVUS. Ah, Sir, say no more. +You're th' only favorite of the Gods. + +CHAR. I'm made, +If this be true. I'll speak to them. (_Comes forward._) + +PAM. Who's there? +Charinus! oh, well met. + +CHAR. I give you joy. + +PAM. You've heard then---- + +CHAR. Ev'ry word: and prithee now, +In your good fortune, think upon your friend. +Chremes is now your own; and will perform +Whatever you shall ask. + +PAM. I shall remember. +'Twere tedious to expect his coming forth: +Along with me then to Glycerium! +Davus, do you go home, and hasten them +To fetch her hence. Away, away! + +DAVUS. I go. (_Exeunt PAMPHILUS and CHARINUS._ +(_DAVUS addressing the audience._) +Wait not till they come forth: within +She'll be betroth'd; within, if aught remains +Undone, 'twill be concluded--Clap your hands! + + + * * * * * + * * * * + + +THE EUNUCH. + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + PROLOGUE. + LACHES. + PHAEDRIA. + CHAEREA. + ANTIPHO. + CHREMES. + THRASO. + GNATHO. + PARMENO. + DORUS. + SANGA. + SIMALIO, ETC. + + THAIS. + PYTHIAS. + DORIAS. + SOPHRONA. + PAMPHILA. + +SCENE, ATHENS. + + + + +PROLOGUE. + +To please the candid, give offense to none, +This, says the Poet, ever was his care: +Yet if there's one who thinks he's hardly censur'd, +Let him remember he was the aggressor: +_He_, who translating many, but not well, +On good Greek fables fram'd poor Latin plays; +_He_, who but lately to the public gave +The Phantom of Menander; _He_, who made, +In the Thesaurus, the Defendant plead +And vouch the question'd treasure to be his, +Before the Plaintiff his own title shows, +Or whence it came into his father's tomb. + + Henceforward, let him not deceive himself, +Or cry, "I'm safe, he can say naught of me." +I charge him that he err not, and forbear +To urge me farther; for I've more, much more, +Which now shall be o'erlook'd, but shall be known, +If he pursue his slanders, as before. + + Soon as this play, the Eunuch of Menander, +Which we are now preparing to perform, +Was purchas'd by the AEdiles, he obtain'd +Leave to examine it: and afterward +When 'twas rehears'd before the Magistrates, +"A Thief," he cried, "no Poet gives this piece. +Yet has he not deceived us: for we know, +The Colax is an ancient comedy +Of Naevius, and of Plautus; and from thence +The Parasite and Soldier both are stolen." + + If that's the Poet's crime, it is a crime +Of ignorance, and not a studied theft. +Judge for yourselves! the fact is even thus. +The Colax is a fable of Menander's; +Wherein is drawn the character of Colax +The parasite, and the vain-glorious soldier; +Which characters, he scruples not to own, +He to his Eunuch from the Greek transferr'd: +But that he knew those pieces were before +Made Latin, that he steadfastly denies. + + Yet if to other Poets 'tis not lawful +To draw the characters our fathers drew, +How can it then be lawful to exhibit +Slaves running to and fro; to represent +Good matrons, wanton harlots; or to show +An eating parasite, vain-glorious soldier, +Supposititious children, bubbled dotards, +Or love, or hate, or jealousy?--In short, +Nothing's said now but has been said before. +Weigh then these things with candor, and forgive +The Moderns, if what Ancients did, they do. + + Attend, and list in silence to our play, +That ye may know what 'tis the Eunuch means. + + [Changes: + + Or cry, "I'm safe, he can say naught of me." + _Quotation marks supplied from the 1768 edition._] + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter PHAEDRIA and PARMENO._ + +PHAED. And what then shall I do? not go? not now? +When she herself invites me? or were't best +Fashion my mind no longer to endure +These harlots' impudence?--Shut out! recall'd! +Shall I return? No, not if she implore me. + +PAR. Oh brave! oh excellent! if you maintain it! +But if you try, and can't go through with spirit, +And finding you can't bear it, uninvited, +Your peace unmade, all of your own accord, +You come and swear you love, and can't endure it, +Good-night! all's over! ruin'd and undone +She'll jilt you, when she sees you in her pow'r. + +PHAED. You then, in time consider and advise! + +PAR. Master! the thing which hath not in itself +Or measure or advice, advice can't rule. +In love are all these ills: suspicions, quarrels, +Wrongs, reconcilements, war, and peace again: +Things thus uncertain, if by reason's rules +You'd certain make, it were as wise a task +To try with reason to run mad. And now +What you in anger meditate--I her? +That him?--that me? that would not--pardon me! +I would die rather: No! she shall perceive +How much I am a man.--Big words like these, +She in good faith with one false tiny drop, +Which, after grievous rubbing, from her eyes +Can scarce perforce be squeez'd, shall overcome. +Nay, she shall swear, 'twas you in fault, not she; +You too shall own th' offense, and pray for pardon. + +PHAED. Oh monstrous! monstrous! now indeed I see +How false she is, and what a wretch I am! +Spite of myself I love; and knowing, feeling, +With open eyes run on to my destruction; +And what to do I know not. + +PAR. What to do? +What should you do, Sir, but redeem yourself +As cheaply as you can?--at easy rates +If possible--if not--at any rate---- +And never vex yourself. + +PHAED. Is that your counsel? + +PAR. Aye, if you're wise; and do not add to love +More troubles than it has, and those it has +Bear bravely! But she comes, our ruin comes; +For she, like storms of hail on fields of corn, +Beats down our hopes, and carries all before her. + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter THAIS._ + +THAIS. Ah me! I fear lest Phaedria take offense +And think I meant it other than I did, +That he was not admitted yesterday. (_To herself, not seeing them._) + +PHAED. I tremble, Parmeno, and freeze with horror. + +PAR. Be of good cheer! approach yon fire--she'll warm you. + +THAIS. Who's there? my Phaedria? Why did you stand here? +Why not directly enter? + +PAR. Not one word +Of having shut him out! + +THAIS. Why don't you speak? + +PHAED. Because, forsooth, these doors will always fly +Open to me, or that because I stand +The first in your good graces. (_Ironically._) + +THAIS. Nay, no more! + +PHAED. No more?--O Thais, Thais, would to Heaven +Our loves were parallel, that things like these +Might torture you, as this has tortur'd me: +Or that your actions were indifferent to me! + +THAIS. Grieve not, I beg, my love, my Phaedria! +Not that I lov'd another more, I did this. +But I by circumstance was forc'd to do it. + +PAR. So then, it seems, for very love, poor soul, +You shut the door in 's teeth. + +THAIS. Ah Parmeno! +Is't thus you deal with me? Go to!--But hear +Why I did call you hither? + +PHAED. Be it so. + +THAIS. But tell me first, can yon slave hold his peace? + +PAM. I? oh most faithfully: But hark ye, madam! +On this condition do I bind my faith: +The truths I hear, I will conceal; whate'er +Is false, or vain, or feign'd, I'll publish it. +I'm full of chinks, and run through here and there: +So if you claim my secrecy, speak truth. + +THAIS. My mother was a Samian, liv'd at Rhodes. + +PAR. This sleeps in silence. (_Archly._) + +THAIS. There a certain merchant +Made her a present of a little girl, +Stol'n hence from Attica. + +PHAED. A citizen? + +THAIS. I think so, but we can not tell for certain. +Her father's and her mother's name she told +Herself; her country and the other marks +Of her original, she neither knew, +Nor, from her age, was 't possible she should. +The merchant added further, that the pirates, +Of whom he bought her, let him understand, +She had been stol'n from Sunium. My mother +Gave her an education, brought her up +In all respects as she had been her own; +And she in gen'ral was suppos'd my sister. +I journeyed hither with the gentleman +To whom alone I was connected then, +The same who left me all I have. + +PAR. Both these +Are false, and shall go forth at large. + +THAIS. Why so? + +PAR. Because nor you with one could be content, +Nor he alone enrich'd you; for my master +Made good and large addition. + +THAIS. I allow it, +But let me hasten to the point I wish: +Meantime the captain, who was then but young +In his attachment to me, went to Caria. +I, in his absence, was address'd by you; +Since when, full well you know, how very dear +I've held you, and have trusted you with all +My nearest counsels. + +PHAED. And yet Parmeno +Will not be silent even here. + +PAR. Oh, Sir, +Is that a doubt? + +THAIS. Nay, prithee now, attend! +My mother's lately dead at Rhodes: her brother, +Too much intent on wealth, no sooner saw +This virgin, handsome, well-accomplish'd, skill'd +In music, than, spurr'd on by hopes of gain, +In public market he expos'd and sold her. +It so fell out, my soldier-spark was there, +And bought her, all unknowing these events, +To give to me: but soon as he return'd, +And found how much I was attach'd to you, +He feign'd excuses to keep back the girl; +Pretending, were he thoroughly convinc'd +That I would still prefer him to yourself, +Nor fear'd that when I had receiv'd the girl, +I would abandon him, he'd give her to me; +But that he doubted. For my part, I think +He is grown fond of her himself. + +PHAED. Is there +Aught more between them? + +THAIS. No; for I've inquir'd, +And now, my Phaedria, there are sundry causes +Wherefore I wish to win the virgin from him. +First, for she's call'd my sister; and moreover, +That I to her relations may restore her. +I'm a lone woman, have nor friend, nor kin: +Wherefore, my Phaedria, I would raise up friends +By some good turn:--And you, I prithee now, +Help me to do it. Let him some few days +Be my gallant in chief. What! no reply? + +PHAED. Abandon'd woman! Can I aught reply +To deeds like these? + +PAR. Oh excellent! well said! +He feels at length; Now, master, you're a man. + +PHAED. I saw your story's drift.--"A little girl +Stol'n hence--My mother brought her up--was call'd +My sister--I would fain obtain her from him, +That I to her relations might restore her----" +All this preamble comes at last to this. +I am excluded, he's admitted. Why? +But that you love him more than me, and fear +Lest this young captive win your hero from you. + +THAIS. Do I fear that? + +PHAED. Why, prithee now, what else? +Does he bring gifts alone? didst e'er perceive +My bounty shut against you? Did I not, +Because you told me you'd be glad to have +An Ethiopian servant-maid, all else +Omitted, seek one out? You said besides, +You wish'd to have an Eunuch, 'cause forsooth, +They were for dames of quality; I found one: +For both I yesterday paid twenty _minae_, +Yet you contemn me--I forgot not these, +And for these I'm despis'd. + +THAIS. Why this, my Phaedria? +Though I would fain obtain the girl, and though +I think by these means it might well be done; +Yet, rather than make you my enemy, +I'll do as you command. + +PHAED. Oh, had you said +Those words sincerely. "Rather than make you +My enemy!"--Oh, could I think those words +Came from your heart, what is 't I'd not endure! + +PAR. Gone! conquer'd with one word! alas, how soon! + +THAIS. Not speak sincerely? from my very soul? +What did you ever ask, although in sport, +But you obtain'd it of me? yet I can't +Prevail on you to grant but two short days. + +PHAED. Well--for two days--so those two be not twenty. + +THAIS. No in good faith but two, or---- + +PHAED. Or? no more. + +THAIS. It shall not be: but you will grant me those. + +PHAED. Your will must be a law. + +THAIS. Thanks, my sweet Phaedria! + +PHAED. I'll to the country: there consume myself +For these two days: it must be so: we must +Give way to Thais. See you, Parmeno, +The slaves brought hither. + +PAR. Sir, I will. + +PHAED. My Thais, +For these two days farewell! + +THAIS. Farewell, my Phaedria! +Would you aught else with me? + +PHAED. Aught else, my Thais? +Be with yon soldier present, as if absent: +All night and day love me: still long for me: +Dream, ponder still of me; wish, hope for me: +Delight in me; be all in all with me; +Give your whole heart, for mine's all yours, to me. (_Exeunt._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + The truths I hear, I will conceal; whate'er + Is false, or vain, or feign'd, I'll publish it. + _Colman 1768_ + The truths I hear, I will conceal; but falsehood, + Fiction, or gross pretence, shall out at once.] + + _Harper_ + PAR. Both these + Are false, and shall go forth at large. + _Colman 1768_ + PAR. These articles + Are both rank falsehoods, and shall out. + + PHAED. I saw your story's drift.--"A little girl ... + ... + That I to her relations might restore her----" + _Quotation marks supplied from 1768 edition.] + + +SCENE III. + + _Manet THAIS._ + +Ah me! I fear that he believes me not, +And judges of my heart from those of others. +I in my conscience know, that nothing false +I have deliver'd, nor to my true heart +Is any dearer than this Phaedria: +And whatsoe'er in this affair I've done, +For the girl's sake I've done: for I'm in hopes +I know her brother, a right noble youth. +To-day I wait him, by his own appointment; +Wherefore I'll in, and tarry for his coming. + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + + _PHAEDRIA, PARMENO._ + +PHAEDRIA. Carry the slaves according to my order. + +PAR. I will. + +PHAED. But diligently. + +PAR. Sir, I will. + +PHAED. But soon. + +PAR. I will, Sir! + +PHAED. Say, is it sufficient? + +PAR. Ah! what a question's that? as if it were +So difficult! I wish, Sir Phaedria, +You could gain aught so easy, as lose these. + +PHAED. I lose, what's dearer yet, my comfort with them. +Repine not at my gifts. + +PAR. Not I: moreover +I will convey them straight. But have you any +Other commands? + +PHAED. Oh yes: set off our presents +With words as handsome as you can: and drive, +As much as possible, that rival from her! + +PAR. Ah, Sir, I should, of course, remember that. + +PHAED. I'll to the country, and stay there. + +PAR. O, aye! (_Ironically._) + +PHAED. But hark you! + +PAR. Sir, your pleasure? + +PHAED. Do you think +I can with constancy hold out, and not +Return before my time? + +PAR. Hold out? Not you. +Either you'll straight return, or soon at night +Your dreams will drive you out o' doors. + +PHAED. I'll toil; +That, weary, I may sleep against my will. + +PAR. Weary you may be; but you'll never sleep. + +PHAED. Ah, Parmeno, you wrong me. I'll cast out +This treacherous softness from my soul, nor thus +Indulge my passions. Yes, I could remain, +If need, without her even three whole days. + +PAR. Hui! three whole livelong days! consider, Sir. + +PHAED. I am resolved. + +_PARMENO alone._ + +Heav'ns, what a strange disease is this! that love +Should so change men, that one can hardly swear +They are the same!--No mortal liv'd +Less weak, more grave, more temperate than he. +--But who comes yonder?--Gnatho, as I live; +The Captain's parasite! and brings along +The Virgin for a present: oh rare wench! +How beautiful! I shall come off, I doubt, +But scurvily with my decrepit Eunuch. +This Girl surpasses ev'n Thais herself. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Either you'll straight return, or soon at night + Your dreams will drive you out o' doors. + PHAED. I'll toil + _Colman 1768_ + Either you'll straight return, or want of sleep + Will drive you forth at midnight. + PHAED. I will toil + + _PARMENO alone._ + _In 1768 edition this passage is labeled SCENE II._] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter GNATHO leading PAMPHILA; PARMENO behind._ + +GNAT. Good Heav'ns! how much one man excels another! +What diff'rence 'twixt a wise man and a fool! +What just now happen'd proves it: coming hither +I met with an old countryman, a man +Of my own place and order, like myself, +No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spent +In mirth and jollity his whole estate. +He was in a most wretched trim; his looks +Lean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags. +"How now!" cried I, "what means this figure, friend? +Alas! says he, my patrimony's gone. +--Ah, how am I reduc'd! my old acquaintance +And friends all shun me."--Hearing this, how cheap +I held him in comparison with me! +"Why, how now? wretch, said I, most idle wretch! +Have you spent all, nor left ev'n hope behind? +What! have you lost your sense with your estate? +Me!--look on me--come from the same condition! +How sleek! how neat! how clad! in what good case! +I've ev'ry thing, though nothing; naught possess, +Yet naught I ever want."--"Ah, Sir, but I +Have an unhappy temper, and can't bear +To be the butt of others, or to take +A beating now and then."--"How then! d'ye think +Those are the means of thriving? No, my friend! +Such formerly indeed might drive a trade: +But mine's a new profession; I the first +That ever struck into this road. There are +A kind of men, who wish to be the head +Of ev'ry thing; but are not. These I follow; +Not for their sport and laughter, but for gain +To laugh with them, and wonder at their parts: +Whate'er they say, I praise it; if again +They contradict, I praise that too: does any +Deny? I too deny: affirm? I too +Affirm: and in a word, I've brought myself +To say, unsay, swear, and forswear, at pleasure: +And that is now the best of all professions." + +PAR. A special fellow this! who drives fools mad. + +GNAT. Deep in this conversation, we at length +Come to the market, where the sev'ral tradesmen, +Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult'rers, fishmongers, +(Who once did profit and still profit by me,) +All run with joy to me, salute, invite, +And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv'd wretch, +Soon as he saw me thus caress'd, and found +I got my bread so easily, desired +He might have leave to learn that art of me. +I bade him follow me, if possible: +And, as the Schools of the Philosophers +Have ta'en from the Philosophers their names, +So, in like manner, let all Parasites +Be call'd from me Gnathonics! + +PAR. Mark, what ease, +And being kept at other's cost, produces! + +GNAT. But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais, +And bid her forth to sup.--Ha, Parmeno! +Our rival's slave, standing at Thais' door! +--How melancholy he appears! All's safe: +These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here. +I'll play upon this knave. (_Aside._) + +PAR. These fellows think +This present will make Thais all their own. (_Aside._) + +GNAT. To Parmeno, his lov'd and honor'd friend, +Gnatho sends greeting. (_Ironically._)--What are you upon? + +PAR. My legs. + +GNAT. I see it.--Is there nothing here +Displeasing to you? + +PAR. You. + +GNAT. I do believe it. +But prithee, is there nothing else? + +PAR. Wherefore? + +GNAT. Because you're melancholy. + +PAR. Not at all. + +GNAT. Well, do not be so!--Pray, now, what d'ye think +Of this young handmaid? + +PAR. Troth, she's not amiss. + +GNAT. I plague the rascal. (_Half aside._) + +PAR. How the knave's deceiv'd! (_Half aside._) + +GNAT. Will not this gift be very acceptable +To Thais, think you? + +PAR. You'd insinuate +That we're shut out.--There is, alas, a change +In all things. + +GNAT. For these six months, Parmeno, +For six whole months at least, I'll make you easy; +You sha'n't run up and down, and watch till daylight; +Come, don't I make you happy? + +PAR. Very happy. + +GNAT. 'Tis my way with my friends. + +PAR. You're very good. + +GNAT. But I detain you: you, perhaps, was going +Somewhere else. + +PAR. Nowhere. + +GNAT. May I beg you then +To use your int'rest here, and introduce me +To Thais? + +PAR. Hence! away! these doors +Fly open now, because you carry her. + +GNAT. Would you have any one call'd forth? (_Exit._ + +PAR. Well, well! +Pass but two days; and you, so welcome now, +That the doors open with your little finger, +Shall kick against them then, I warrant you, +Till your heels ache again. + +_Re-enter GNATHO._ + +GNAT. Ha! Parmeno! +Are you here still? What! are you left a spy, +Lest any go-between should run by stealth +To Thais from the Captain? (_Exit._ + +PAR. Very smart! +No wonder such a wit delights the Captain! +But hold! I see my master's younger son +Coming this way. I wonder much he should +Desert Piraeus, where he's now on guard. +'Tis not for nothing. All in haste he comes, +And seems to look about. + + [Changes: + + SCENE II. + _Labeled SCENE III in 1768 edition (see end of Scene I)._ + + _All quotation marks in this scene are supplied from the + 1768 edition._ + + _Harper_ + He was in a most wretched trim; his looks + _Colman 1768_ + Seeing him in a wretched trim; his looks + + But mine's a new profession; I the first + _Harper edition prints "But mine 's" with anomalous spacing_ + + _Harper_ + (Who once did profit and still profit by me,) + _Colman 1768_ + (Who, while my means were ample, profited, + And, tho' now wasted, profit by me still,)] + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter CHAEREA; PARMENO behind._ + +CHAER. Undone! undone! +The Girl is lost; I know not where she is, +Nor where I am: ah, whither shall I trace? +Where seek? of whom inquire? or which way turn? +I'm all uncertain; but have one hope still: +Where'er she is, she can not long lie hid. +Oh charming face! all others from my memory +Hence I blot out. Away with common beauties! + +PAR. So, here's the other! and he mutters too +I know not what of love. Oh what a poor +Unfortunate old man their father is! +As for this stripling, if he once begin, +His brother's is but jest and children's play +To his mad fury. + +CHAER. Twice ten thousand curses +Seize the old wretch, who kept me back to-day; +And me for staying! with a fellow too +I did not care a farthing for!--But see! +Yonder stands Parmeno.--Good-day! + +PAR. How now? +Wherefore so sad? and why this hurry, Chaerea? +Whence come you? + +CHAER. I? I can not tell, i'faith, +Whence I am come, or whither I am going, +I've so entirely lost myself. + +PAR. And why? + +CHAER. I am in love. + +PAR. Oh brave! + +CHAER. Now, Parmeno, +Now you may show what kind of man you are. +You know you've often told me; "Chaerea, +Find something out to set your heart upon, +And mark how I will serve you!" yes, you know +You've often said so, when I scrap'd together +All the provisions for you at my father's. + +PAR. Away, you trifler! + +CHAER. Nay, in faith, it's true: +Now make your promise good! and in a cause +Worthy the utmost reachings of your soul: +A girl! my Parmeno, not like our misses; +Whose mothers try to keep their shoulders down, +And bind their bosoms, that their shapes may seem +Genteel and slim. Is a girl rather plump? +They call her nurse, and stint her in her food: +Thus art, in spits of nature, makes them all +Mere bulrushes: and therefore they're belov'd. + +PAR. And what's this girl of yours? + +CHAER. A miracle. + +PAR. Oh, to be sure! + +CHAER. True, natural red and white; +Her body firm, and full of precious stuff! + +PAR. Her age? + +CHAER. About sixteen. + +PAR. The very prime! + +CHAER. This girl, by force, by stealth, or by entreaty, +Procure me! how I care not, so I have her. + +PAR. Well, whom does she belong to? + +CHAER. I don't know. + +PAR. Whence comes she? + +CHAER. I can't tell. + +PAR. Where does she live? + +CHAER. I can't tell neither. + +PAR. Where was it you saw her? + +CHAER. Here in the street. + +PAR. And how was it you lost her? + +CHAER. Why it was that, which I so fumed about, +As I came hither! nor was ever man +So jilted by good fortune as myself. + +PAR. What mischief now? + +CHAER. Confounded luck. + +PAR. How so? + +CHAER. How so! d'ye know one Archidemides, +My father's kinsman, and about his age? + +PAR. Full well. + +CHAER. As I was in pursuit of her +He met me. + +PAR. Rather inconveniently. + +CHAER. Oh most unhappily! for other ills +May be told, Parmeno!--I could swear too, +For six, nay seven months, I had not seen him, +Till now, when least I wish'd and most would shun it. +Is not this monstrous? Eh! + +PAR. Oh! very monstrous. + +CHAER. Soon as from far he saw me, instantly, +Bent, trembling, drop-jaw'd, gasping, out of breath, +He hobbled up to me.--"Holo! ho! Chaerea!"---- +I stopp'd.--"D'ye know what I want with you?"--"What?" +--"I have a cause to-morrow."--"Well! what then?"---- +--"Fail not to tell your father, he remember +To go up with me, as an advocate."---- +His prating took some time. "Aught else?" said I. +"Nothing," said he:--Away flew I, and saw +The girl that instant turn into this street. + +PAR. Sure he must mean the virgin, just now brought +To Thais for a present. + +CHAER. Soon as I +Came hither, she was out of sight. + +PAR. Had she +Any attendants? + +CHAER. Yes; a parasite, +With a maid-servant. + +PAR. 'Tis the very same; +Away! have done! all's over. + +CHAER. What d'ye mean? + +PAR. The girl I mean. + +CHAER. D'ye know then who she is? +Tell me!--or have you seen her? + +PAR. Yes, I've seen her; +I know her; and can tell you where she is. + +CHAER. How! my dear Parmeno, d'ye know her? + +PAR. Yes. + +CHAER. And where she is, d'ye know? + +PAR. Yes,--there she is; (_Pointing._) +Carried to Madam Thais for a present. + +CHAER. What monarch could bestow a gift so precious? + +PAR. The mighty Captain Thraso, Phaedria's rival. + +CHAER. Alas, poor brother! + +PAR. Aye, and if you knew +The gift he sends to be compar'd with this, +You'd cry alas, indeed! + +CHAER. What is his gift? + +PAR. An Eunuch. + +CHAER. What! that old and ugly slave +That he bought yesterday? + +PAR. The very same. + +CHAER. Why, surely, he'll be trundled out o' doors +He and his gift together--I ne'er knew +Till now that Thais was our neighbor. + +PAR. She +Has not been long so. + +CHAER. Ev'ry way unlucky: +Ne'er to have seen her neither:--Prithee, tell me, +Is she so handsome, as she's said to be? + +PAR. Yes, faith! + +CHAER. But nothing to compare to mine. + +PAR. Oh, quite another thing. + +CHAER. But Parmeno! +Contrive that I may have her. + +PAR. Well, I will. +Depend on my assistance:--have you any +Further commands? (_As if going._) + +CHAER. Where are you going? + +PAR. Home; +To bring according to your brother's order, +The slaves to Thais. + +CHAER. Oh, that happy Eunuch! +To be convey'd into that house! + +PAR. Why so? + +CHAER. Why so? why, he shall have that charming girl +His fellow-servant, see her, speak with her, +Be with her in the same house all day long, +And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her. + +PAR. And what if you should be so happy? + +CHAER. How? +Tell me, dear Parmeno! + +PAR. Assume his dress. + +CHAER. His dress! what then? + +PAR. I'll carry you for him. + +CHAER. I hear you. + +PAR. I will say that you are he. + +CHAER. I understand you. + +PAR. So shall you enjoy +Those blessings which but now you envied him: +Eat with her, be with her, touch, toy with her, +And sleep by her: since none of Thais' maids +Know you, or dream of what you are. Besides, +Your figure, and your age are such, that you +May well pass for an Eunuch. + +CHAER. Oh, well said! +I ne'er heard better counsel. Come, let's in? +Dress me, and carry me! Away, make haste! + +PAR. What are you at? I did but jest. + +CHAER. You trifle. + +PAR. I'm ruin'd: fool, what have I done? Nay, whither +D'ye push me thus? You'll throw me down. Nay, stay! + +CHAER. Away. + +PAR. Nay, prithee! + +CHAER. I'm resolv'd. + +PAR. Consider; +You carry this too far. + +CHAER. No, not at all. +Give way! + +PAR. And Parmeno must pay for all. +Ah, we do wrong! + +CHAER. Is it then wrong for me +To be convey'd into a house of harlots, +And turn those very arts on them, with which +They hamper us, and turn our youth to scorn? +Can it be wrong for me too, in my turn, +To deceive them, by whom we're all deceiv'd? +No, rather let it be! 'tis just to play +This trick upon them: which, if gray-beards know, +They'll blame indeed, but all will think well done. + +PAR. Well, if you must, you must; but do not then, +After all's over, throw the blame on me. + +CHAER. No, no! + +PAR. But do you order me? + +CHAER. I do: +Order, command, force. + +PAR. Oh, I'll not dispute +Your pow'r. So, follow me. + +CHAER. Heav'n speed the plow. + + [Changes: + + SCENE III. + _Labeled SCENE IV in 1768 edition._ + + You know you've often told me; "Chaerea, + ... + And mark how I will serve you!" ... + _Quotation marks supplied from 1768 edition_ + + _Harper_ + CHAER. Oh most unhappily! for other ills + May be told, Parmeno!--I could swear too + _Colman 1768_ + CHAER. Oh most unhappily! for lighter ills + May pass for inconvenient, Parmeno. + Nay, I could swear, with a safe conscience too + + He hobbled up to me.--"Holo! ho! Chaerea!"---- + _All quotation marks in this speech supplied from 1768 edition_ + + _Harper_ + CHAER. Soon as I + Came hither, she was out of sight. + PAR. Had she + Any attendants? + _Colman 1768_ + CHAER. When I reach'd + This place, the girl was vanish'd. + PAR. Had your lady + Any attendants? + + _Harper_ + He and his gift together--I ne'er knew + Till now that Thais was our neighbor. + PAR. She + Has not been long so. + _Colman 1768_ + He and his gift together--But till now + I never knew this Thais was our neighbour. + PAR. She came but lately. + + PAR. Yes, faith. + _Harper edition has question mark_ + + _Harper_ + His fellow-servant, see her, speak with her, + Be with her in the same house all day long, + And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her. + _Colman 1768_ + His fellow-servant, see her all day long, + Converse with her, dwell under the same roof, + And sometimes eat, and sometimes sleep by her. + + _Harper_ + Order, command, force. + PAR. Oh, I'll not dispute + Your pow'r. So, follow me. + CHAER. Heav'n speed the plow. + _Colman 1768_ + Order, command, compel you; nor will e'er + Deny, or disavow my putting-on. + PAR. Come on then: follow me! + CHAER. Heav'n grant success!] + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter THRASO and GNATHO._ + +THRASO. And Thais then returns me many thanks? + +GNAT. Ten thousand. + +THRA. Say, is she delighted with it? + +GNAT. Not so much with the gift itself, as that +By you 'twas given: but therein she triumphs. + +_Enter PARMENO behind._ + +PAR. I'm come to look about me, and observe +A proper opportunity to bring +My presents. But behold the Captain! + +THRA. 'Tis +Something, I know not how, peculiar to me, +That all I do 's agreeable. + +GNAT. In truth +I have observ'd it. + +THRA. E'en the King always +Held himself much obliged, whate'er I did: +Not so to others. + +GNAT. Men of wit, like you, +The glory, got by others' care and toil, +Often transfer unto themselves. + +THRA. You've hit it. + +GNAT. The king then held you---- + +THRA. Certainly. + +GNAT. Most dear. + +THRA. Most near. He trusted his whole army to me, +His counsels.---- + +GNAT. Wonderful! + +THRA. And then whene'er +Satiety of company, or hate +Of business seiz'd him--when he would repose---- +As if----you understand me. + +GNAT. Perfectly. +When he would--in a manner--clear his stomach +Of all uneasiness. + +THRA. The very thing. +On such occasions he chose none but me. + +GNAT. Hui! there's a king indeed! a king of taste! + +THRA. One of a thousand. + +GNAT. Of a million sure! +--If he could live with you. (_Aside._) + +THRA. The courtiers all +Began to envy me, and rail'd in secret: +I car'd not; whence their spleen increas'd the more. +One in particular, who had the charge +Of th' Indian elephants; who grew at last +So very troublesome, "I prithee, Strato, +Are you so savage, and so fierce, (says I,) +Because you're governor of the wild beasts?" + +GNAT. Oh, finely said! and shrewdly! excellent! +Too hard upon him!--what said he to't? + +THRA. Nothing. + +GNAT. And how the devil should he? + +PAR. Gracious Heav'n! +The stupid coxcomb!--and that rascal too! (_Aside._) + +THRA. Aye! but the story of the Rhodian, Gnatho! +How smart I was upon him at a feast---- +Did I ne'er tell you? + +GNAT. Never: but pray do! +--I've heard it o'er and o'er a thousand times. (_Aside._) + +THRA. We were by chance together at a feast---- +This Rhodian, that I told you of and I.---- +I, as it happen'd, had a wench: the spark +Began to toy with her, and laugh at me. +"Why how now, Impudence! (said I,) are you +A _hare_ yourself, and yet would hunt for _game_?" + +GNAT. Ha! ha! ha! + +THRA. What's the matter? + +GNAT. Ha! ha! ha! +Witty! smart! excellent! incomparable! +Is it your own? I swear I thought 'twas old. + +THRA. Why, did you ever hear it? + +GNAT. Very often; +And reckon'd admirable. + +THRA. 'Tis my own. + +GNAT. And yet 'twas pity to be so severe +On a young fellow, and a gentleman. + +PAR. Ah! devil take you! (_Aside._) + +GNAT. What became of him? + +THRA. It did for him. The company were all +Ready to die with laughing:--in a word, +They dreaded me. + +GNAT. No wonder. + +THRA. Harkye, Gnatho! +Thais, you know, suspects I love this girl. +Shall I acquit myself? + +GNAT. On no account. +Rather increase her jealousy. + +THRA. And why? + +GNAT. Why?--do you ask?--as if you didn't know!---- +Whene'er she mentions Phaedria, or whene'er +She praises him, to vex you---- + +THRA. I perceive. + +GNAT. To hinder that, you've only this resource. +When she names Phaedria, name you Pamphila. +If she should say, "come! let's have Phaedria +To dinner with us!"--"aye, and Pamphila +To sing to us!"--if she praise Phaedria's person, +Praise you the girl's! so give her tit for tat, +And gall her in her turn. + +THRA. Suppose she lov'd me, +This might avail me, Gnatho! + +GNAT. While she loves +The presents which you give, expecting more, +So long she loves you; and so long you may +Have pow'r to vex her. She will always fear +To make you angry, lest some other reap +The harvest, which she now enjoys alone. + +THRA. You're right: and yet I never thought of it. + +GNAT. Ridiculous! because you did not turn +Your thoughts that way; or with how much more ease +Would you have hit on this device yourself! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + GNAT. Not so much with the gift itself, as that + By you 'twas given: but therein she triumphs. + _Enter PARMENO behind._ + PAR. I'm come to look about me, and observe + A proper opportunity to bring + My presents. But behold the Captain! + THRA. 'Tis + Something, I know not how, peculiar to me, + That all I do 's agreeable. + GNAT. In truth + I have observ'd it. + THRA. E'en the King always + _Colman 1768_ + GNAT. Not for the present's sake so much, as that + From you it was presented: But therein + She truly triumphs. + _Enter PARMENO behind._ + PAR. I'm upon the watch, + To mark a proper opportunity + To bring my presents. But behold the Captain? [with question mark] + THRA. It is, indeed, something, I know not how, + Peculiar to me, do whate'er I please, + It will appear agreeable. + GNAT. In truth + I always have observ'd it. + THRA. Ev'n the King + + _Harper_ + THRA. One of a thousand. + GNAT. Of a million sure! + --If he could live with you. + _Colman 1768_ + THRA. No general man, I promise you. + GNAT. Oh no! + He must have been particular indeed, + If he convers'd with You. + + If she should say, "come! let's have Phaedria + ... + _quotation marks in this speech supplied from 1768 edition_] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter THAIS and PYTHIAS._ + +THAIS. I thought I heard the Captain's voice: and see! +Good-day, my Thraso! + +THRA. Oh my Thais, welcome! +How does my sweeting?--are you fond of me +For sending you that music-girl? + +PAR. Oh brave! +He sets out nobly! + +THAIS. For your worth I love you. + +GNAT. Come, let's to supper? why do you delay? + +PAR. Mark t'other! he's a chip of the old block. + +THAIS. I'm ready when you please. + +PAR. I'll up to her, +And seem as if but now come forth.--Ha! Thais, +Where are you gadding? + +THAIS. Well met, Parmeno! +I was just going---- + +PAR. Whither? + +THAIS. Don't you see +The Captain? + +PAR. Yes, I see him--to my sorrow. +The presents from my master wait your pleasure. + +THRA. Why do we stop thus? wherefore go not hence? +(_Angrily._) + +PAR. Beseech you, Captain, let us, with your leave, +Produce our presents, treat, and parley with her! + +THRA. Fine gifts, I warrant you, compar'd with mine! + +PAR. They'll answer for themselves--Holo, there! order +The slaves, I told you, to come forth.--Here, this way! + +_Enter a BLACK GIRL._ + +Do you stand forward!--This girl, ma'am, comes quite +From Ethiopia. + +THRA. Worth about three Minae. + +GNAT. Scarce. + +PAR. Ho! where are you, Dorus?--Oh, come hither! + +_Enter CHAEREA in the Eunuch's habit._ + +An Eunuch, Madam! of a lib'ral air, +And in his prime! + +THAIS. Now as I live, he's handsome! + +PAR. What say you, Gnatho? Is he despicable? +Or, Captain, what say you?--Dumb?--Praise sufficient; +Try him in letters, exercises, music: +In all the arts, a gentleman should know, +I'll warrant him accomplish'd. + +THRA. Troth, that Eunuch +Is well enough. + +PAR. And he, who sends these presents, +Requires you not to live for him alone, +And for his sake to shut out all mankind: +Nor does he tell his battles, show his wounds, +Or shackle your free will, as some folks do. + +(_Looking at THRASO._) + +But when 'twill not be troublesome, or when +You've leisure, in due season, he's content +If then he is admitted. + +THRA. This poor fellow +Seems to belong to a poor wretched master. + +GNAT. Beyond all doubt; for who that could obtain +Another, would endure a slave like this? + +PAR. Peace, wretch, that art below the meanest slave! +You that could bring your mind so very low, +As to cry aye and no at yon fool's bidding, +I'm sure, might get your bread out o'the fire. + +THRA. Why don't we go? (_Impatiently._) + +THAIS. Let me but carry in +These first, and give some orders in the house, +And I'll attend you. (_Exit with CHAEREA, and the Ethiopian._ + +THRA. I'll depart from hence. +Gnatho, wait you for her! + +PAR. It ill beseems +The dignity of a renown'd commander, +T' escort his mistress in the street. + +THRA. Away, +Slave! you're beneath my notice--like your master. +(_Exit PARMENO._ + +GNAT. Ha! ha! ha! ha! + +THRA. What moves your laughter? + +GNAT. That +You said just now: and then the Rhodian came +Across my mind.----But Thais comes. + +THRA. Go run, +And see that ev'ry thing's prepar'd at home! + +GNAT. It shall be done. (_Exit._ + +THAIS (_entering with PYTHIAS_). Take care now, Pythias, +Great care, if Chremes come, to press him stay; +Or, if that's inconvenient, to return: +If that's impossible, then bring him to me! + +PYTH. I'll do so. + +THAIS. Hold! what else had I to say? +Take care, be sure, of yonder virgin! see, +You keep at home. + +THRA. Let's go. + +THAIS. Girls, follow me! + +(_Exit, attended by Servants and THRASO._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + PAR. They'll answer for themselves--Holo, there! order + The slaves, I told you, to come forth.--Here, this way! + _Enter a BLACK GIRL._ + Do you stand forward!--This girl, ma'am, comes quite + From Ethiopia. + THRA. Worth about three Minae. + _Colman 1768_ + PAR. They'll answer for themselves--Ho, there! within! + Order the slaves, I told you, to come forth. + _Enter a BLACK GIRL._ + This way! do you stand forward!--This girl, ma'am, + Comes quite from AEthiopia. + THRA. Worth three Minae. + + _Harper_ + THAIS. Let me but carry in + _Colman 1768_ + THAIS. Let me but introduce + + _Harper_ + THRA. What moves your laughter? + GNAT. That + You said just now: and then the Rhodian came + _Colman 1768_ + THRA. What moves your laughter, Gnatho? + GNAT. Your speech but now: and then the Rhodian came] + + +SCENE III. + + _CHREMES alone._ + +In truth the more and more I think, the more +I am convinc'd that Thais means me ill: +So plain I see her arts to draw me in. +Ev'n when she first invited me, (and when +Had any ask'd, _What business have you there?_ +The question would have stagger'd me,) she fram'd +Sev'ral excuses to detain me there. +Said she had made a sacrifice, and had +Affairs of consequence to settle with me. +--Oho! thought I immediately, I smell +A trick upon me!--down she sat, behav'd +Familiarly, and tried to beat about +For conversation. Being at a loss, +She ask'd, how long my parents had been dead? +--I told her, long time since:--on which she ask'd, +Whether I had a country-house at Sunium? +--And how far from the sea?--I half believe +She likes my villa, and would wheedle me +To give it her.--Her final questions were, +If I ne'er lost a little sister thence? +--Who was miss'd with her?--what she had when lost? +If any one could know her? Why should Thais +Demand all this, unless,--a saucy baggage!---- +She means to play the counterfeit, and feign +Herself that sister?--but if she's alive, +She is about sixteen, not more; Thais +Is elder than myself.--She sent beside +To beg I'd come again.--Or, let her say +What she would have; or, not be troublesome! +I'll not return a third time.--Ho! who's there? +Here am I! Chremes! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + If any one could know her? Why should Thais + Demand all this, unless,--a saucy baggage!---- + She means to play the counterfeit, and feign + Herself that sister?--but if she's alive, + She is about sixteen, not more; Thais + Is elder than myself.--She sent beside + To beg I'd come again.--Or, let her say + What she would have; or, not be troublesome! + _Colman 1768_ + --If there was any body capable + Of recollecting her?--Why all these questions? + Unless perhaps she means,--a saucy baggage!-- + To play the counterfeit, and feign herself + That sister, who was lost so long ago? + But she, if living, is about sixteen; + Not more: and Thais older than myself. + She sent beside to press me earnestly + To visit her again.--Or, let her say + What she would have; or, trouble me no more!] + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter PYTHIAS._ + +PYTH. Oh, sweet, charming, Sir! + +CHRE. A coaxing hussy! + +PYTH. Thais begs and prays +You'd come again to-morrow. + +CHRE. I am going +Into the country. + +PYTH. Nay, now prithee come? + +CHRE. I can't, I tell you. + +PYTH. Walk in, then, and stay +Till she returns herself. + +CHRE. Not I. + +PYTH. And why, +Dear Chremes? + +CHRE. Go, and hang yourself! + +PYTH. Well, Sir, +Since you're so positive, shall I entreat you +To go to her? + +CHRE. I will. + +PYTH. Here, Dorias! (_A maid-servant enters._) +Conduct this gentleman to Captain Thraso's. + +(_PYTHIAS re-enters.--CHREMES goes out another way with DORIAS._) + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + CHRE. Go, and hang yourself! + _Colman 1768_ + CHRE. Off, you saucy slut!] + + +SCENE V. + + _ANTIPHO alone._ + +But yesterday a knot of us young fellows +Assembled at Piraeus, and agreed +To club together for a feast to-day. +Chaerea had charge of all; the rings were given, +And time and place appointed.--The time's past; +No entertainment's at the place; and Chaerea +Is nowhere to be found.--I can't tell what +To think on't.--Yet the rest of my companions +Have all commission'd me to seek him out. +I'll see if he's at home;--but who comes here +From Thais?--Is it he, or no?--'Tis he.---- +--What manner of man's here?--what habit's that? +--What mischief has the rogue been at? I'm all +Astonishment, and can not guess.--But I'll +Withdraw a while, and try to find it out. (_Retires._) + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Is nowhere to be found.--I can't tell what + To think on't.--Yet the rest of my companions + Have all commission'd me to seek him out. + _Colman 1768_ + Is no where to be met with.--For my part, + I'm quite to seek in this; and what to say, + Or guess, I know not.--Yet the company + Have all commission'd me to find him out. + + _Harper_ + --What mischief has the rogue been at? I'm all + Astonishment, and can not guess.--But I'll + Withdraw a while, and try to find it out. + _Colman 1768_ + --What mischief is the meaning of all this? + I'm all astonishment, and can not guess. + But I'll withdraw a while, and try to learn.] + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter CHAEREA, in the Eunuch's habit._ + +CHAER. (_looking about_). Is any body here?--No, nobody. +Does any follow me?--No, nobody. +May I then let my ecstasy break forth! +O Jupiter! 'tis now the very time, +When I could suffer to be put to death, +Lest not another transport like to this, +Remain in life to come.--But is there not +Some curious impertinent to come +Across me now, and murder me with questions? +--To ask, why I'm so flutter'd? why so joyful? +Whither I'm going? whence I came? and where +I got this habit? what I'm looking after? +Whether I'm in my senses? or stark mad? + +ANTI. I'll go myself, and do that kindness to him. +Chaerea, (_advancing_,) what's all this flutter? what's this dress? +What is't transports you? what d'ye want? art mad? +Why do ye start at me? and why not speak? + +CHAER. O happy, happy day!--Save you, dear friend! +There's not a man on earth I'd rather see +This moment than yourself. + +ANTI. Come, tell me all! + +CHAER. Tell you! I will beseech you give me hearing. +D'ye know my brother's mistress here? + +ANTI. Yes: Thais, +Or I'm deceiv'd. + +CHAER. The same. + +ANTI. I do remember. + +CHAER. To-day a girl was sent a present to her. +Why need I speak or praise her beauty now +To you, that know me, and my taste so well? +She set me all on fire. + +ANTI. Is she so handsome? + +CHAER. Most exquisite: Oh, had you but once seen her, +You would pronounce her, I am confident, +The first of womankind.--But to be brief, +I fell in love with her.--By great good luck +There was at home an Eunuch, which my brother +Had bought for Thais, but not yet sent thither. +--I had a gentle hint from Parmeno, +Which I seiz'd greedily. + +ANTI. And what was that? + +CHAER. Peace, and I'll tell you.--To change dresses with him, +And order Parmeno to carry me +Instead of him. + +ANTI. How? for an Eunuch, you? + +CHAER. E'en so. + +ANTI. What good could you derive from that? + +CHAER. What good!--why, see, and hear, and be with her +I languish'd for, my Antipho!--was that +An idle reason, or a trivial good? +--To Thais I'm deliver'd; she receives me, +And carries me with joy into her house; +Commits the charming girl---- + +ANTI. To whom?----to you? + +CHAER. To me. + +ANTI. In special hands, I must confess. + +CHAER. --Enjoins me to permit no man come near her; +Nor to depart, myself, one instant from her; +But in an inner chamber to remain +Alone with her alone. I nod, and look +Bashfully on the ground. + +ANTI. Poor simple soul! + +CHAER. I am bid forth, says she; and carries off +All her maid-servants with her, save some few +Raw novices, who straight prepar'd the bath. +I bade them haste; and while it was preparing, +In a retiring-room the Virgin sat; +Viewing a picture, where the tale was drawn +Of Jove's descending in a golden show'r +To Danae's bosom.----I beheld it too, +And because he of old the like game play'd, +I felt my mind exult the more within me, +That Jove should change himself into a man, +And steal in secret through a stranger-roof, +With a mere woman to intrigue.--Great Jove, +Who shakes the highest heav'ns with his thunder! +And I, poor mortal man, not do the same!---- +I did it, and with all my heart I did it. +--While thoughts, like these, possess'd my soul, they call'd +The girl to bathe. She goes, bathes, then returns: +Which done, the servants put her into bed. +I stand to wait their orders. Up comes one, +"Here, harkye, Dorus! take this fan and mark +You cool her gently thus, while we go bathe. +When we have bath'd, you, if you please, bathe too," +I, with a sober air, receive the fan. + +ANTI. Then would I fain have seen your simple face! +I should have been delighted to behold +How like an ass you look'd, and held the fan. + +CHAER. Scarce had she spoke, when all rush'd out o' doors; +Away they go to bathe; grow full of noise, +As servants use, when masters are abroad. +Meanwhile sleep seiz'd the virgin: I, by stealth, +Peep'd through the fan-sticks thus; then looking round, +And seeing all was safe, made fast the door. + +ANTI. What then? + +CHAER. What then, fool! + +ANTI. I confess. + +CHAER. D'ye think, +Bless'd with an opportunity like this, +So short, so wish'd for, yet so unexpected, +I'd let it slip? No. Then I'd been, indeed, +The thing I counterfeited. + +ANTI. Very true. +But what's become of our club-supper? + +CHAER. Ready. + +ANTI. An honest fellow! where? at your own house? + +CHAER. At Freeman Discus's. + +ANTI. A great way off. + +CHAER. Then we must make more haste. + +ANTI. But change your dress. + +CHAER. Where can I change it? I'm distress'd. From home +I must play truant, lest I meet my brother. +My father too, perhaps, is come to town. + +ANTI. Come then to my house! that's the nearest place +Where you may shift. + +CHAER. With all my heart! let's go! +And at the same time, I'll consult with you +How to enjoy this dear girl. + +ANTI. Be it so. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Whither I'm going? whence I came? and where + _Colman 1768_ + Whither I'm going? from whence I came? and where + + _Harper_ + ANTI. Yes: Thais, + Or I'm deceiv'd. + CHAER. The same. + ANTI. I do remember. + _Colman 1768_ + ANTI. I do: + Thais, I think. + CHAER. The same. + ANTI. I recollect. + + _Harper_ + The first of womankind.--But to be brief + _Colman 1768_ + The first of womankind.--But in a word + + To Danae's bosom. + _Harper edition misprints "Danae's"_ + + "Here, harkye, Dorus! take this fan ... + _quotation marks in this speech supplied from 1768 edition_ + + _Harper_ + ANTI. Come then to my house! that's the nearest place + _Colman 1768_ + ANTI. Come to my house then! that's the nearest place] + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter DORIAS, with a Casket._ + +DORIAS. + +Now, as I hope for mercy, I'm afraid, +From what I've seen, lest yonder swaggerer +Make some disturbance, or do violence +To Thais. For as soon as Chremes came, +(The youth that's brother to the virgin,) she +Beseech'd of Thraso he might be admitted. +This piqu'd him; yet he durst not well refuse. +She, fearing Chremes should not be detain'd, +Till she had time and opportunity +To tell him all she wish'd about his sister, +Urg'd Thraso more and more to ask him in. +The Captain coldly asks him; down he sat; +And Thais enter'd into chat with him. +The Captain, fancying a rival brought +Before his face, resolv'd to vex her too: +"Here, boy," said he, "let Pamphila be call'd +To entertain us!"--"Pamphila!" cries Thais; +"She at a banquet?--No it must not be."---- +Thraso insisting on't, a broil ensued: +On which my mistress slyly slipping off +Her jewels, gave them me to bear away; +Which is, I know, a certain sign, she will, +As soon as possible, sneak off herself. _Exit._) + + [Changes: + + _all quotation marks isupplied from 1768 edition_ + + _Harper_ + (The youth that's brother to the virgin,) she + Beseech'd of Thraso he might be admitted. + _Colman 1768_ + (Chremes, the youth that's brother to the virgin,) + She beg'd of Thraso, he might be admitted.] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter PHAEDRIA._ + +PHAED. Going into the country, I began +(As happens when the mind is ill at ease) +To ponder with myself upon the road, +Tossing from thought to thought, and viewing all +In the worst light. While thus I ruminate, +I pass unconsciously my country-house, +And had got far beyond, ere I perceiv'd it. +I turn'd about, but with a heavy heart; +And soon as to the very spot I came +Where the roads part, I stop. Then paus'd a while: +"Alas! thought I, and must I here remain] +Two days? alone: without her?--Well! what then? +That's nothing.--What, is't nothing?--If I've not +The privilege to touch her, shall I not +Behold her neither?--If _one_ may not be, +At least the _other_ shall.--And certainly +Love, in its last degree, is something still." +--Then I, on purpose, pass'd the house.--But see! +Pythias breaks forth affrighted.--What means this? + + [Changes: + + "Alas! thought I ... + _quotation marks in this speech supplied from 1768 edition_ + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter PYTHIAS and DORIAS; PHAEDRIA at a distance._ + +PYTH. Where shall I find, unhappy that I am, +Where seek this rascal-slave?--this slave, that durst +To do a deed like this?--Undone! undone! + +PHAED. What this may be, I dread. + +PYTH. And then the villain, +After he had abused the virgin, tore +The poor girl's clothes, and dragg'd her by the hair. + +PHAED. How's this! + +PYTH. Who, were he now within my reach, +How could I fly upon the vagabond, +And tear the villain's eyes out with my nails? + +PHAED. What tumult's this, arisen in my absence? +I'll go and ask her.-- (_Going up._) What's the matter, Pythias? +Why thus disturb'd? and whom is it you seek? + +PYTH. Whom do I seek? Away, Sir Phaedria! +You and your gifts together! + +PHAED. What's the matter? + +PYTH. The matter, Sir! the Eunuch, that you sent us, +Has made fine work here! the young virgin, whom +The Captain gave my mistress, he has ravish'd. + +PHAED. Ravish'd? How say you? + +PYTH. Ruin'd, and undone! + +PHAED. You're drunk. + +PYTH. Would those who wish me ill were so! + +DORI. Ah Pythias! what strange prodigy is this? + +PHAED. You're mad: how could an Eunuch---- + +PYTH. I don't know +Or who, or what he was.--What he has done, +The thing itself declares.----The virgin weeps, +Nor, when you ask what ails her, dare she tell. +But he, good man, is nowhere to be found: +And I fear too, that when he stole away, +He carried something off. + +PHAED. I can't conceive +Whither the rascal can have flown, unless +He to our house, perhaps, slunk back again. + +PYTH. See now, I pray you, if he has. + +PHAED. I will. (_Exit._ + +DORI. Good lack! so strange a thing I never heard. + +PYTH. I've heard, that they lov'd women mightily +But could do nothing; yet I never thought on't: +For if I had, I'd have confin'd him close +In some by-place, nor trusted the girl to him. + + +SCENE IV. + + _Re-enter PHAEDRIA, with DORUS the Eunuch, in CHAEREA'S clothes._ + +PHAED. Out, rascal, out!--What are you resty, Sirrah? +Out, thou vile bargain! + +DOR. Dear Sir! (_Crying._) + +PHAED. See the wretch! +What a wry mouth he makes!--Come, what's the meaning +Of your returning? and your change of dress? +What answer, Sirrah!--If I had delay'd +A minute longer, Pythias, I had miss'd him, +He was equipp'd so bravely for his flight. + +PYTH. What, have you got the rogue? + +PHAED. I warrant you. + +PYTH. Well done! well done! + +DORI. Aye, marry, very well. + +PYTH. Where is he? + +PHAED. Don't you see him? + +PYTH. See him? whom? + +PHAED. This fellow, to be sure. + +PYTH. This man! who is he? + +PHAED. He that was carried to your house to-day. + +PYTH. None of our people ever laid their eyes +Upon this fellow, Phaedria! + +PHAED. Never saw him? + +PYTH. Why, did you think this fellow had been brought +To us? + +PHAED. Yes, surely; for I had no other. + +PYTH. Oh dear! this fellow's not to be compar'd +To t'other.--He was elegant, and handsome. + +PHAED. Aye, so he might appear a while ago, +Because he had gay clothes on: now he seems +Ugly, because he's stripped. + +PYTH. Nay, prithee, peace! +As if the diff'rence was so very small!---- +The youth conducted to our house to-day, +'Twould do you good to cast your eyes on, Phaedria: +This is a drowsy, wither'd, weasel-fac'd, +Old fellow. + +PHAED. How?----you drive me to that pass, +That I scarce know what I have done myself. +--Did not I buy you, rascal? (_To DORUS._) + +DOR. Yes, Sir. + +PYTH. Order him +To answer me. + +PHAED. Well, question him. + +PYTH. (_to DORUS_). Was you +Brought here to-day? (_Shakes his head._) See there! Not he. It was +Another, a young lad, about sixteen, +Whom Parmeno brought with him. + +PHAED. (_to DORUS_). Speak to me! +First tell me, whence had you that coat? What, dumb? +I'll make you speak, you villain? (_Beating him._) + +DOR. Chaerea came---- (_Crying._) + +PHAED. My brother? + +DOR. Yes, Sir! + +PHAED. When? + +DOR. To-day. + +PHAED. How long since? + +DOR. Just now. + +PHAED. With whom? + +DOR. With Parmeno. + +PHAED. Did you +Know him before? + +DOR. No, Sir; nor e'er heard of him. + +PHAED. How did you know then that he was my brother? + +DOR. Parmeno told me so; and Chaerea +Gave me these clothes---- + +PHAED. Confusion! (_Aside._) + +DOR. Put on mine; +And then they both went out o' doors together. + +PYTH. Now, Sir, do you believe that I am sober? +Now do you think, I've told no lie? And now +Are you convinc'd the girl has been abus'd! + +PHAED. Away, fool! d'ye believe what this wretch says? + +PYTH. What signifies belief?--It speaks itself. + +PHAED. (_apart to DORUS_). Come this way--hark ye! ----further still. + ----Enough. +Tell me once more. ----Did Chaerea strip you? + +DOR. Yes. + +PHAED. And put your clothes on? + +DOR. Yes, Sir! + +PHAED. And was brought +In your stead hither? + +DOR. Yes. + +PHAED. Great Jupiter! (_Pretending to be in a passion with him._) +What a most wicked scoundrel's this? + +PYTH. Alas! +Don't you believe, then, we've been vilely us'd? + +PHAED. No wonder if you credit what he says. +I don't know what to do. (_Aside._)--Here, harkye, Sirrah! +Deny it all again. (_Apart to DORUS._)--What! can't I beat +The truth out of you, rascal?--have you seen +My brother Chaerea? (_Aloud, and beating him._) + +DOR. No, Sir! (_Crying._) + +PHAED. So! I see +He won't confess without a beating.--This way! (_Apart._) Now +He owns it; now denies it.--Ask my pardon! (_Apart._) + +DOR. Beseech you, Sir, forgive me! + +PHAED. Get you gone. (_Kicking him._) +Oh me! oh dear! (_Exit, howling._ + +PHAED. (_aside_). I had no other way +To come off handsomely.--We're all undone. +--D'ye think to play your tricks on me, you rascal? + (_Aloud, and Exit after DORUS._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + PHAED. How did you know then that he was my brother? + _Colman 1768_ + PHAED. How did you know he was my brother then?] + + +SCENE V. + + _Manent PYTHIAS and DORIAS._ + +PYTH. As sure as I'm alive, this is a trick +Of Parmeno's. + +DORI. No doubt on't. + +PYTH. I'll devise +Some means to-day to fit him for't.--But now +What would you have me do? + +DORI. About the girl! + +PYTH. Aye; shall I tell; or keep the matter secret? + +DORI. Troth, if you're wise you know not what you know, +Nor of the Eunuch, nor the ravishment: +So shall you clear yourself of all this trouble, +And do a kindness to our mistress too. +Say nothing, but that Dorus is gone off. + +PYTH. I'll do so. + +DORI. Prithee is not Chremes yonder? +Thais will soon be here. + +PYTH. How so? + +DORI. Because +When I came thence, a quarrel was abroach +Among them. + +PYTH. Carry in the jewels, Dorias. +Meanwhile I'll learn of Chremes what has happen'd. + (_Exit DORIAS._ + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter CHREMES tipsy._ + +CHREM. So! so!--I'm in for't--and the wine I've drank +Has made me reel again.--Yet while I sat, +How sober I suppos'd myself!--But I +No sooner rose, than neither foot, nor head, +Knew their own business! + +PYTH. Chremes! + +CHREM. Who's that?--Ha! +Pythias!--How much more handsome you seem now, +Than you appear'd a little while ago! + +PYTH. I'm sure you seem a good deal merrier. + +CHREM. I'faith it's an old saying, and a true one, +"Ceres and Bacchus are warm friends of Venus." +--But, pray, has Thais been here long before me? + +PYTH. Has she yet left the Captain's? + +CHREM. Long time since: +An age ago. They've had a bloody quarrel. + +PYTH. Did not she bid you follow her? + +CHREM. Not she: +Only she made a sign to me at parting. + +PYTH. Well, wasn't that enough? + +CHREM. No, faith! I did not +At all conceive her meaning, till the Captain +Gave me the hint, and kick'd me out o' doors! +--But here she is! I wonder how it was, +I overtook her! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + CHREM. No, faith! I did not + At all conceive her meaning, till the Captain + _Colman 1768_ + CHREM. No, faith! I never + At all conceiv'd her meaning, till the Captain] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Enter THAIS._ + +THAIS. I am apt to think, +The Captain will soon follow me, to take +The virgin from me: Well then, let him come! +But if he does but lay a finger on her, +We'll tear his eyes out.--His impertinence. +And big words, while mere words, I can endure; +But if he comes to action, woe be to him! + +CHREM. Thais, I have been here some time. + +THAIS. My Chremes! +The very man I wanted!--Do you know +That you have been th' occasion of this quarrel? +And that this whole affair relates to you? + +CHREM. To me! how so? + +THAIS. Because, while I endeavor, +And study to restore your sister to you, +This and much more I've suffer'd. + +CHREM. Where's my sister? + +THAIS. Within, at my house. + +CHREM. Ha! (_With concern._) + +THAIS. Be not alarm'd: +She has been well brought up, and in a manner +Worthy herself and you. + +CHREM. Indeed? + +THAIS. 'Tis true: +And now most freely I restore her to you, +Demanding nothing of you in return. + +CHREM. I feel your goodness, Thais, and shall ever +Remain much bounden to you. + +THAIS. Aye, but now +Take heed, my Chremes, lest ere you receive +The maid from me, you lose her! for 'tis she, +Whom now the Captain comes to take by storm. +--Pythias, go, fetch the casket with the proofs! + +CHREM. D'ye see him, Thais? (_Looking out._) + +PYTH. Where's the casket plac'd? + +THAIS. Plac'd in the cabinet.--D'ye loiter, hussy? +(_Exit PYTHIAS._ + +CHREM. What force the Captain brings with him against you! +Good Heav'n! + +THAIS. Are you afraid, young gentleman? + +CHREM. Away!--who? I? afraid?--There is no man +Alive less so. + +THAIS. You'd need be stout at present. + +CHREM. What kind of man d'ye take me for? + +THAIS. Consider, +He, whom you've now to cope with, is a stranger +Less powerful than you, less known, and less +Befriended here than you! + +CHREM. I know all that: +But why, like fools, admit what we may shun? +Better prevent a wrong, than afterward +Revenge it, when receiv'd----Do you step in, +And bolt the door, while I run to the Forum, +And call some officers to our assistance. (_Going._) + +THAIS. Stay! (_Holding him._) + +CHREM. 'Twill be better. + +THAIS. Hold! + +CHREM. Nay, let me go! +I'll soon be back. + +THAIS. We do not want them, Chremes. +Say, only, that this maiden is your sister, +And that you lost her when a child, and now +Know her again for yours. + +_Enter PYTHIAS._ + +THAIS (_to PYTH._) Produce the proofs! + +PYTH. Here they are. + +THAIS. Take them, Chremes!--If the Captain +Attempts to do you any violence, +Lead him before a magistrate. D'ye mark me? + +CHREM. I do. + +THAIS. Be sure now speak with a good courage! + +CHREM. I will. + +THAIS. Come, gather up your cloak.----Undone! +I've got a champion, who wants help himself. + +(_Exeunt._ + + [Changes: + + THAIS. 'Tis true: + _opening apostrophe missing in Harper edition_ + + _Harper_ + PYTH. Where's the casket plac'd? + THAIS. Plac'd in the cabinet.--D'ye loiter, hussy? + _Colman 1768_ + PYTH. Where does the casket stand? + THAIS. Upon the cabinet.--D'ye loiter, hussy? + + _Harper_ + CHREM. Away!--who? I? afraid?--There is no man + Alive less so. + THAIS. You'd need be stout at present. + _Colman 1768_ + CHREM. Away!--who? I? afraid?--No mortal less. + THAIS. Nay, you had need be stout at present, Chremes.] + + _Harper_ + I've got a champion, who wants help himself. + _Colman 1768_ + My champion wants a champion for himself.] + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Enter THRASO, GNATHO, SANGA, etc._ + +THRASO. Shall I put up with an affront so gross, +So monstrous, Gnatho?--No, I'd rather die. +Simalio, Donax, Syrus, follow me! +First, I will storm their castle. + +GNAT. Excellent! + +THRA. Next carry off the Virgin. + +GNAT. Admirable! + +THRA. Then punish Thais herself. + +GNAT. Incomparable! + +THRA. Here, in the centre, Donax, with your club! +Do you, Simalio, charge on the left wing! +You, Syrus, on the right!--Bring up the rest! +Where's the Centurion Sanga, and his band +Of rascal runaways? + +SAN. Here, Sir! + +THRA. How now? +Think'st thou to combat with a dish-clout, slave! +That thus thou bring'st it here? + +SAN. Ah, Sir! I knew +The valor of the gen'ral and his troops; +And seeing this affair must end in blood, +I brought a clout, to wipe the wounds withal. + +THRA. Where are the rest? + +SAN. Rest! Plague, whom d'ye mean? +There's nobody, but Sannio, left at home. + +THRA. Lead you the van (_to GNATHO_); and I'll bring up the rear: +Thence give the word to all. + +GNAT. What wisdom is! +Now he has drawn up these in rank and file, +His post behind secures him a retreat. + +THRA. Just so his line of battle Pyrrhus form'd. + +(_CHREMES and THAIS appear above at a window._) + +CHREM. D'ye see, my Thais, what he is about? +To bar and bolt the doors was good advice. + +THAIS. Tut, man! you fool, that seems so mighty brave, +Is a mere coward. Do not be afraid! + +THRA. What were best? (_To GNATHO._) + +GNAT. Troth, I wish you had a sling: +That you from far in ambush might attack them! +They'd soon fly then, I warrant you. + +THRA. But see! +Thais appears. + +GNAT. Let's charge them then! Come on! + +THRA. Halt!--'Tis the part of a wise general +To try all methods, ere he come to arms. +How do you know, but Thais may obey +My orders without force? + +GNAT. Oh, gracious Heavens! +Of what advantage is it to be wise! +I ne'er approach but I go wiser from you. + +THRA. Thais, first answer this! Did you, or no, +When I presented you the Virgin, promise, +To give yourself some days to me alone? + +THAIS. What then? + +THRA. Is that a question, when you durst +To bring a rival to my face? + +THAIS. And what +Business have you with him? + +THRA. ----And then stole off +In company with him? + +THAIS. It was my pleasure. + +THRA. Therefore, restore my Pamphila; unless +You choose to see her carried off by force. + +CHREM. She restore Pamphila to you? Or you +Attempt to touch her, rascal? + +GNAT. Ah, beware! +Peace, peace, young gentleman! + +THRA. (_to CHREM._) What is't you mean? +Shall I not touch my own? + +CHREM. Your own, you scoundrel? + +GNAT. Take heed! you know not whom you rail at thus. + +CHREM. Won't you be gone?--here, hark ye, Sir! d'ye know +How matters stand with you?--if you attempt +To raise a riot in this place to-day, +I'll answer for it, that you shall remember +This place, to-day, and me, your whole life-long. + +GNAT. I pity you: to make so great a man +Your enemy! + +CHREM. Hence! or I'll break your head. + +GNAT. How's that, you hang-dog? Are you for that sport? + +THRA. Who are you, fellow?--what d'ye mean?--and what +Have you to do with Pamphila? + +CHREM. I'll tell you, +First, I declare, that she's a free-born woman! + +THRA. How? + +CHREM. And a citizen of Athens. + +THRA. Hui! + +CHREM. My sister. + +THRA. Impudence! + +CHREM. So, Captain, now +I give you warning, offer her no force! +--Thais, I'll now to Sophrona, the Nurse, +And bring her here with me to see the proofs. + +THRA. And you prohibit me to touch my own? + +CHREM. Yes, I prohibit you. + +GNAT. D'ye hear? he owns +The robbery himself. Isn't that sufficient? + +THRA. And, Thais, you maintain the same? + +THAIS. Ask those +Who care to answer. (_Shuts down the window._) + +_Manent THRASO and GNATHO, etc._ + +THRA. What shall we do now? + +GNAT. Why--e'en go back again!--This harlot here +Will soon be with you to request forgiveness. + +THRA. D'ye think so? + +GNAT. Aye, most certainly. I know +The ways of women.--When you will, they won't; +And when you won't, they're dying for you. + +THRA. True. + +GNAT. Shall I disband the army? + +THRA. When you will. + +GNAT. Sanga, as well becomes a brave militia, +Take to your houses and firesides again. + +SAN. My mind was like a sop i' th' pan, long since. + +GNAT. Good fellow! + +SAN. To the right about there! march! +(_Exit, with GNATHO and THRASO at the head of the troops._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + THRA. Is that a question, when you durst + To bring a rival to my face? + THAIS. And what + Business have you with him? + THRA. ----And then stole off + In company with him? + THAIS. It was my pleasure. + THRA. Therefore, restore my Pamphila ... + _Colman 1768_ + THRA. Is that a question, when you brought + Your lover to affront me to my face?-- + THAIS. What business have you with him? + THRA. ----And stole off + In company with him? + THAIS. It was my pleasure. + THRA. Therefore, restore me Pamphila ...] + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _THAIS and PYTHIAS._ + +THAIS. Still, still, you, baggage, will you shuffle with me? +--"I know--I don't know--he's gone off--I've heard---- +I was not present"--Be it what it may, +Can't you inform me openly?--The Virgin, +Her clothes all torn, in sullen silence weeps. +The Eunuch's fled.--What means all this? and what +Has happen'd?--Won't you answer me? + +PYTH. Alas! +What can I answer you?--He was, they say, +No Eunuch. + +THAIS. What then? + +PYTH. Chaerea. + +THAIS. Chaerea! +What Chaerea? + +PYTH. Phaedria's younger brother. + +THAIS. How! +What's that, hag? + +PYTH. I've discover'd it: I'm sure on't. + +THAIS. Why, what had he to do with us? or why +Was he brought hither? + +PYTH. That I can not tell; +Unless, as I suppose, for love of Pamphila. + +THAIS. Alas! I am undone; undone, indeed, +If that, which you have told me now, be true. +Is't that the girl bemoans thus? + +PYTH. I believe so. + +THAIS. How, careless wretch! was that the charge I gave you +At my departure? + +PYTH. What could I do? She +Was trusted, as you bade, to him alone. + +THAIS. Oh, jade, you set the wolf to keep the sheep +--I'm quite asham'd to 've been so poorly bubbled. + +PYTH. Who comes here?--Hist! peace, madam, I beseech you! +We're safe: we have the very man. + (_Seeing CHAEREA at a distance._) + +THAIS. Where is he? + +PYTH. Here, on the left; d'ye see him, ma'am? + +THAIS. I see him. + +PYTH. Let him be seiz'd immediately! + +THAIS. And what +Can we do to him, fool? + +PYTH. Do to him, say you? +--See, what a saucy face the rogue has got! +Ha'nt he?--and then how settled an assurance? + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter CHAEREA._ + +CHAER. At Antipho's, as if for spite, there were +His father and his mother both at home, +So that I could by no means enter, but +They must have seen me. Meanwhile, as I stood +Before the door, came by an old acquaintance, +At sight of whom I flew, with all my speed, +Into a narrow, unfrequented alley; +And thence into another, and another, +Frighten'd and flurried as I scampered on, +Lest any one should know me.--But is that +Thais? 'Tis she herself. I'm all aground. +What shall I do?--Pshaw! what have I to care? +What can she do to me? + +THAIS. Let's up to him. +Oh, Dorus! good Sir, welcome!--And so, Sirrah, +You ran away. + +CHAER. Yes, madam! + +THAIS. And you think +It was a clever trick? + +CHAER. No, madam! + +THAIS. Can you +Believe that you shall go unpunish'd for it? + +CHAER. Forgive me this one fault! If I commit +Another, kill me! + +THAIS. Do you dread my cruelty? + +CHAER. No, ma'am! + +THAIS. What then? + +CHAER. I was afraid, lest She +Accuse me to you. (_Pointing to PYTHIAS._) + +THAIS. Upon what account? + +CHAER. A little matter. + +PYTH. Rogue! a little matter? +Is it so little, think you, to abuse +A virgin, and a citizen! + +CHAER. I thought +She was my fellow-servant. + +PYTH. Fellow-servant! +I can scarce hold from flying at his hair. +Monstrous! he's come to make his sport of us. + +THAIS. Away! you rave. + +PYTH. Why so? if I had done 't, +I should have still been in the monster's debt; +Particularly, as he owns himself +Your servant. + +THAIS. Well--no more of this.--Oh, Chaerea, +You've done a deed unworthy of yourself: +For granting I, perhaps, might well deserve +This injury, it was not honorable +In you to do it.--As I live, I know not +What counsel to pursue about this girl; +You've so destroy'd my measures, that I can't +Restore her, without blushing to her friends, +Nor so deliver her, as I propos'd, +To make them thank me for my kindness, Chaerea! + +CHAER. Henceforth, I hope, eternal peace shall be +Betwixt us, Thais! Oft from things like these, +And bad beginnings, warmest friendships rise. +What if some God hath order'd this? + +THAIS. Indeed, +I'll so interpret it, and wish it so. + +CHAER. I prithee do!--and be assured of this, +That naught I did in scorn, but all in love. + +THAIS. I do believe it; and, on that account, +More readily forgive you: for oh! Chaerea, +I am not form'd of an ungentle nature, +Nor am I now to learn the pow'r of love. + +CHAER. Now, Thais, by my life, I love thee too. + +PYTH. Then, by my troth, you must take care of him. + +CHAER. I durst not---- + +PYTH. I don't mind a word you say. + +THAIS. Have done! + +CHAER. But now, in this one circumstance, +Let me beseech you to assist me! I +Commit myself entirely to your care: +Invoke you, as my patroness; implore you. +Perdition seize me, but I'll marry her! + +THAIS. But if your father---- + +CHAER. What of him? I know +He'll soon consent, provided it appears +That she's a citizen. + +THAIS. If you will wait +A little while, her brother will be here: +He's gone to fetch the nurse that brought her up; +And you shall witness the discovery. + +CHAER. I will remain then. + +THAIS. But, in the mean time, +Had you not rather wait within, than here +Before the door? + +CHAER. Much rather. + +PYTH. What the plague +Are you about? + +THAIS. What now? + +PYTH. What now, indeed? +Will you let him within your doors again? + +THAIS. Why not? + +PYTH. Remember that I prophesy, +He'll make some fresh disturbance. + +THAIS. Prithee, peace! + +PYTH. It seems, you have not had sufficient proof +Of his assurance. + +CHAER. I'll do no harm, Pythias! + +PYTH. I'll not believe it, Chaerea, till I see it. + +CHAER. But you shall keep me, Pythias! + +PYTH. No, not I. +For, by my troth, I would trust nothing with you, +Neither to keep, nor be kept by you.--Hence! +Away! + +THAIS. Oh brave! the brother's here! (_Looking out._) + +CHAER. Confusion! +Let's in, dear Thais! I'd not have him see me +Here in this dress. + +THAIS. Why so? Are you asham'd? + +CHAER. I am indeed. + +PYTH. Indeed! asham'd! oh dear! +Think of the girl! + +THAIS. Go in! I'll follow you. +Pythias, do you stay here to bring in Chremes. + (_Exeunt THAIS and CHAEREA._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Lest any one should know me.--But is that + Thais? 'Tis she herself. I'm all aground. + _Colman 1768_ + Lest any one should know me in this habit. + But is that Thais? She. I'm all aground. + + _Harper_ + It was a clever trick? + CHAER. No, madam! + THAIS. Can you + Believe that you shall go unpunish'd for it? + _Colman 1768_ + It was a clever trick, I warrant you? + CHAER. No, madam! + THAIS. Can you believe that you shall go unpunish'd? + + _Harper_ + THAIS. Upon what account? + _Colman 1768_ + THAIS. Of what crime? + + _Harper_ + PYTH. Why so? if I had done 't + _Colman 1768_ + PYTH. Not I. if I had done 't + + _Harper_ + Let me beseech you to assist me! I + Commit myself entirely to your care: + _Colman 1768_ + Let me beseech you to assist me, Thais! + I trust myself entirely to your care: + + _Harper_ + PYTH. I'll not believe it, Chaerea, till I see it. + _Colman 1768_ + PYTH. I'll not believe it, till I see it, Chaerea.] + + +SCENE III. + + _PYTHIAS, CHREMES, SOPHRONA._ + +PYTH. What can I think of? what can I devise? +Some trick now to be even with that rogue +Who palm'd this young spark on us. + +CHREM. (_leading the nurse_). Nay, but stir +Your stumps a little faster, nurse! + +SOPH. I come. + +CHREM. Aye, marry; but you don't come on a jot. + +PYTH. Well! have you shown the tokens to the nurse? + +CHREM. I have. + +PYTH. And pray what says she? Did she know them? + +CHREM. At first sight. + +PYTH. Oh brave news! I'm glad to hear it; +For I've a kindness for the girl. Go in; +My mistress is impatient for your coming. +(_Exeunt CHREMES and SOPHRONA._ +See, yonder's my good master Parmeno, +Marching this way: How unconcern'd, forsooth, +He stalks along!--But I've devis'd, I hope, +The means to vex him sorely.--First I'll in, +To know the truth of this discovery, +And then return to terrify this rascal. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter PARMENO._ + +PAR. I'm come to see what Chaerea has been doing: +Who, if he has but manag'd matters well, +Good Heav'ns, how much, and what sincere applause +Shall Parmeno acquire!--For not to mention, +In an intrigue so difficult as this, +Of so much probable expense at least, +Since with a griping harlot he'd have bargain'd, +That I've procur'd for him the girl he lov'd, +Without cost, charge, or trouble; t'other point, +That, that I hold my master-piece, there think +I've gain'd the prize, in showing a young spark +The dispositions and the ways of harlots: +Which having early learn'd, he'll ever shun. +(_Enter PYTHIAS behind._) +When they're abroad, forsooth, there's none so clean, +Nothing so trim, so elegant, as they; +Nor, when they sup with a gallant, so nice! +To see these very creatures' gluttony, +Filth, poverty, and meanness, when at home; +So eager after food, that they devour +From yesterday's stale broth the coarse black bread:-- +All this to know is safety to young men. + + +SCENE V. + + _PYTHIAS, PARMENO._ + +PYTH. (_behind_). 'Faith, Sirrah, I'll be handsomely revenged +For all you've done and said. You shall not boast +Your tricks on us without due punishment. + (_Aloud, coming forward._) +Oh Heav'ns! oh dreadful deed! oh hapless youth! +Oh wicked Parmeno, that brought him here! + +PAR. What now? + +PYTH. It mov'd me so. I could not bear +To see it: therefore I flew out o' doors. +What an example will they make of him! + +PAR. Oh Jupiter! What tumult can this be? +Am I undone, or no?--I'll e'en inquire. +Pythias! (_going up._) What now? what is't you rave about? +Who's to be made this terrible example? + +PYTH. Who? most audacious monster! while you meant +To play your tricks on us, you have destroyed +The youth whom you brought hither for the Eunuch. + +PAR. How so? and what has happen'd? Prithee tell me! + +PYTH. Tell you? D'ye know the virgin, that was sent +To-day to Thais, is a citizen? +Her brother too a man of the first rank? + +PAR. I did not know it. + +PYTH. Aye, but so it seems. +The poor young spark abus'd the girl; a thing +No sooner known, than he, the furious brother---- + +PAR. Did what? + +PYTH. First bound him hand and foot---- + +PAR. How! bound him! + +PYTH. And now, though Thais begged him not to do it---- + +PAR. How! what! + +PYTH. Moreover threatens, he will serve him +After the manner of adulterers; +A thing I ne'er saw done, and ne'er desire. + +PAR. How durst he offer at an act so monstrous? + +PYTH. And why so monstrous? + +PAR. Is it not most monstrous? +Who ever saw a young man seiz'd and bound +For rapes and lewdness in a house of harlots? + +PYTH. I don't know. + +PAR. Aye; but you must all know this. +I tell you, and foretell you, that young spark +Is my old master's son. + +PYTH. Indeed, is he? + +PAR. And let not Thais suffer any one +To do him violence!--But why don't I +Rush in myself? + +PYTH. Ah! take care, Parmeno, +What you're about; lest you do him no good, +And hurt yourself: for they imagine you, +Whatever has been done, the cause of all. + +PAR. What shall I do then, wretch? what undertake? +--Oh! yonder's my old master, just return'd +To town. Shall I tell him, or no?--I' faith +I'll tell him, though I am well convinc'd it will +Bring me into a scrape; a heavy one: And yet +It must be done to help poor Chaerea. + +PYTH. Right. +I'll in again; and you, in the mean while, +Tell the old gentleman the whole affair. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Who ever saw a young man seiz'd and bound + For rapes and lewdness in a house of harlots? + _Colman 1768_ + Who ever saw a young man seiz'd by force, + And punish'd for adultery in a brothel? + + _Harper_ + To do him violence!--But why don't I + Rush in myself? + PYTH. Ah! take care, Parmeno + _Colman 1768_ + To do him any violence!--But why + Don't I rush in myself? + PYTH. Ah! have a care + + _Harper_ + PAR. What shall I do then, wretch? what undertake? + --Oh! yonder's my old master, just return'd + To town. Shall I tell him, or no?--I' faith + I'll tell him, though I am well convinc'd it will + Bring me into a scrape; a heavy one: And yet + _Colman 1768_ + PAR. What shall I do then? what resolve? Confusion! + --Oh! yonder's my old master, just return'd + To town. Shall I tell _him_ of it, or no? + I'll tell him, tho' I am well convinc'd, the blame + Will light on me, and heavily: And yet] + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter LACHES._ + +LACHES. I've this convenience from my neighb'ring villa; +I'm never tir'd of country or of town. +For as disgust comes on, I change my place. +--But is not that our Parmeno? 'Tis he +For certain.--Whom d'ye wait for, Parmeno, +Before that door? + +PAR. Who's that? Oh, Sir! you're welcome: +I'm glad to see you safe return'd to town. + +LACHES. Whom do you wait for? + +PAR. I'm undone: my tongue +Cleaves to my mouth through fear. + +LACHES. Ha! what's the matter? +Why do you tremble so? Is all right? Speak! + +PAR. First, Sir, I'd have you think, for so it is, +Whatever has befall'n has not befall'n +Through any fault of mine. + +LACHES. What is't? + +PAR. That's true. +Your pardon, Sir, I should have told that first. +--Phaedria, Sir, bought a certain Eunuch, as +A present to send her. + +LACHES. Her!--Her! whom? + +PAR. Thais. + +LACHES. Bought? I'm undone! at what price? + +PAR. Twenty Minae. + +LACHES. I'm ruin'd. + +PAR. And then Chaerea's fall'n in love +With a young music-girl. + +LACHES. How! what! in love! +Knows he already what a harlot is? +Has he stol'n into town? More plagues on plagues. + +PAR. Nay, Sir! don't look on me! it was not done +By my advice. + +LACHES. Leave prating of yourself. +As for you, rascal, if I live--But first +Whatever has befallen, tell me, quick! + +PAR. Chaerea was carried thither for the Eunuch. + +LACHES. He for the Eunuch! + +PAR. Yes: since when, within +They've seiz'd and bound him for a ravisher. + +LACHES. Confusion! + +PAR. See the impudence of harlots! + +LACHES. Is there aught else of evil or misfortune +You have not told me yet? + +PAR. You know the whole. + +LACHES. Then why do I delay to rush in on them? + (_Exit._ + +PAR. There is no doubt but I shall smart for this. +But since I was oblig'd to 't, I rejoice +That I shall make these strumpets suffer too: +For our old gentleman has long desir'd +Some cause to punish them; and now he has it. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + --But is not that our Parmeno? 'Tis he + For certain.--Whom d'ye wait for, Parmeno + _Colman 1768_ + --But is not that our Parmeno? 'Tis he. + Parmeno, who is it you're waiting for + + _Harper_ + PAR. First, Sir, I'd have you think, for so it is + _Colman 1768_ + PAR. First be persuaded, Sir,--for that's the case + + _Harper_ + --Phaedria, Sir, bought a certain Eunuch, as + A present to send her. + LACHES. Her!--Her! whom? + PAR. Thais. + _Colman 1768_ + --Phaedria lately bought a certain Eunuch + By way of present to this gentlewoman. + LACHES. What gentlewoman, sirrah? + PAR. Madam Thais. + + _Harper_ + Has he stol'n into town? More plagues on plagues. + _Colman 1768_ + Is he in town? misfortune on misfortune! + + LACHES. Confusion! + _1768 edition has question mark_] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Enter PYTHIAS; PARMENO at a distance._ + +PYTH. Well! I was ne'er more pleas'd in all my life +Than when I saw th' old man come blund'ring in. +I had the jest alone; for I alone +Knew what he was afraid of. + +PAR. Hey! what now? + +PYTH. I'm now come forth t' encounter Parmeno. +Where is he? + +PAR. She seeks me. + +PYTH. Oh, there he is. +I'll go up to him. + +PAR. Well, fool, what's the matter? (_PYTHIAS laughs._) +What would you? what d'ye laugh at? Hey! what still? + +PYTH. Oh, I shall die: I'm horribly fatigu'd +With laughing at you. (_Laughing heartily._) + +PAR. Why so? pray! + +PYTH. Why so? (_Laughing._) +I ne'er saw, ne'er shall see, a greater fool. +Oh, it's impossible to tell what sport +You've made within.--I swear, I always thought +That you had been a shrewd, sharp, cunning fellow. +What! to believe directly what I told you! +Or was you prick'd in conscience for the sin +The young man had committed through your means, +That you must after tell his father of him? +How d'ye suppose he felt when old gray-beard +Surpris'd him in that habit?--What! you find +That you're undone. (_Laughing heartily._) + +PAR. What's this, impertinence? +Was it a lie you told me? D'ye laugh still? +Is't such a jest to make fools of us, hag? + +PYTH. Delightful! (_Laughing._) + +PAR. If you don't pay dearly for it!---- + +PYTH. Perhaps so. (_Laughing._) + +PAR. I'll return it. + +PYTH. Oh, no doubt on't. (_Laughing._) +But what you threaten, Parmeno, is distant: +You'll be truss'd up to-day; who first draw in +A raw young man to sin, and then betray him. +They'll both conspire to make you an example. (_Laughing._) + +PAR. I'm done for. + +PYTH. Take this, slave, as a reward +For the fine gift you sent us; so, farewell! (_Exit PYTHIAS._ + +PAR. I've been a fool indeed; and like a rat, +Betray'd myself to-day by my own squeaking. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + PAR. Why so? pray! + PYTH. Why so? + _Colman 1768_ + PAR. For what cause? + PYTH. What cause? + + _Harper_ + Or was you prick'd in conscience for the sin + The young man had committed through your means, + That you must after tell his father of him? + _Colman 1768_ + Or was not you contented with the crime + You urg'd the youth to perpetrate, unless + You afterwards betray'd him to his father?] + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Enter THRASO, GNATHO; PARMENO behind._ + +GNAT. What now? in what hope, or with what design +Advance we hither? what adventure, Thraso? + +THRASO. What do I mean?--To Thais to surrender +On her own terms? + +GNAT. Indeed? + +THRASO. Indeed! why not, +As well as Hercules to Omphale? + +GNAT. A fit example.--Would I might behold +Your head broke with her slipper. (_Aside._) But her doors +Creak, and fly open. + +THRASO. 'Sdeath! what mischief now? +I ne'er so much as saw this face before. +Why bursts he forth with such alacrity? + + [Changes: + + _1768 version of entire scene:_ + GNAT. What now? with what hope, or design, advance we? + What's your intention, Thraso? + THRASO. My intention? + To Thais to surrender at discretion. + GNAT. How say you? + THRASO. Even so. Why should not I, + As well as Hercules to Omphale? + GNAT. A fit example.--Oh, that I could see her + Combing your empty noddle with her slipper! + But her door opens. + THRASO. 'Sdeath! what mischief now? + I ne'er so much as saw this face before. + Why bursts he forth with such alacrity?] + + +SCENE IX. + + _Enter CHAEREA at another part of the stage._ + +CHAER. Lives there, my countrymen, a happier man +To-day than I?--Not one.--For on my head +The gods have plainly emptied all their store, +On whom they've pour'd a flood of bliss at once. + +PAR. What's he so pleas'd at? + +CHAER. (_seeing him._) Oh my Parmeno +Inventor, undertaker, perfecter +Of all my pleasures, know'st thou my good fortunes? +Know'st thou my Pamphila's a citizen? + +PAR. I've heard so. + +CHAER. Know'st thou she's betroth'd my wife? + +PAR. Oh brave, by Heav'n! + +GNAT. Hear you what he says? (_To THRASO._) + +CHAER. Then I rejoice, my brother Phaedria's love +Is quietly secur'd to him forever: +We're now one family: and Thais has +Found favor with my father, and resign'd +Herself to us for patronage and care. + +PAR. She's then entirely Phaedria's! + +CHAER. Aye, entirely. + +PAR. Another cause of joy: the Captain routed! + +CHAER. See, Parmeno, my brother (wheresoe'er +He be) know this, as soon as possible! + +PAR. I'll see if he's at home. (_Exit._ + +THRASO. Hast any doubt, +Gnatho, but I'm entirely ruin'd? + +GNAT. None at all. + +CHAER. What shall I mention first? whom praise the most! +Him that advis'd this action? or myself +That durst to undertake it?--or extol +Fortune, the governess of all, who deign'd, +Events so many, of such moment too, +So happily to close within one day? +Or shall I praise my father's frank good-humor, +And gay festivity?----Oh, Jupiter, +Make but these blessings sure! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + PAR. Oh brave, by Heav'n! + _Colman 1768_ + PAR. Good news, by heaven! + + _Harper_ + Make but these blessings sure! + _Colman 1768_ + Make but these blessings permanent!] + + +SCENE X. + + _Enter PHAEDRIA._ + +PHAED. O heavenly powers! +What wondrous things has Parmeno just told me! +But where's my brother? + +CHAER. Here he is. + +PHAED. I'm happy. + +CHAER. I dare believe you are; and trust me, brother, +Naught can be worthier of your love than Thais: +Our family are all much bounden to her. + +PHAED. So! you'd need sing her praise to me! + +THRASO. Confusion! +As my hope dies, my love increases. Gnatho +Your help! my expectation's all in you. + +GNAT. What would you have me do? + +THRASO. Accomplish this; +By pray'r, by purchase, that I still may have +Some little share in Thais. + +GNAT. A hard task! + +THRASO. Do but incline to do't, you can, I know. +Effect it, and demand whatever gift, +Whate'er reward you please, it shall be yours. + +GNAT. Indeed? + +THRASO. Indeed! + +GNAT. If I accomplish this, +I claim, that you agree to throw your doors, +Present or absent, always open to me; +A welcome, uninvited guest forever. + +THRASO. I pawn my honor as the pledge. + +GNAT. I'll try. + +PHAED. What voice is that? Oh, Thraso! + +THRASO. Gentlemen, +Good-day! + +PHAED. Perhaps you're not acquainted yet +With what has happen'd here? + +THRASO. I am. + +PHAED. Why then +Do I behold you in these territories? + +THRASO. Depending on---- + +PHAED. Depend on naught but this! +Captain, I give you warning, if, henceforth, +I ever find you in this street, although +You tell me, "_I was looking for another, +I was but passing through_," expect no quarter. + +GNAT. Oh fie! that is not handsome. + +PHAED. I have said it. + +GNAT. You can not be so rude. + +PHAED. It shall be so. + +GNAT. First grant me a short hearing: if you like +What I propose, agree to't. + +PHAED. Let us hear! + +GNAT. Do you retire a moment, Thraso! (_THRASO retires._) First, +I must beseech you both, most firmly think, +That I, whate'er I do in this affair, +For my own sake I do it: but if that +Likewise advantage you, not to agree +In you were folly. + +PHAED. What is't you propose? + +GNAT. I think you should admit the Captain, as +Your rival. + +PHAED. How? admit him? + +GNAT. Nay consider! +Phaedria, you live at a high rate with her, +Revel, and feast, and stick at no expense. +Yet what you give's but little, and you know +'Tis needful Thais should receive much more +Now to supply your love without your cost, +A fitter person, one more form'd, can't be +Than Thraso is: first, he has wherewithal +To give, and gives most largely: a fool too, +A dolt, a block, that snores out night and day; +Nor can you fear she'll e'er grow fond of him; +And you may drive him hence whene'er you please. + +PHAED. What shall we do? (_To CHAEREA._) + +GNAT. Moreover this; the which +I hold no trifle, no man entertains +More nobly or more freely. + +PHAED. I begin +To think we've need of such a fool. + +CHAER. And I. + +GNAT. Well judg'd! and let me beg one favor more; +Admit me of your family!--I have +Roll'd this stone long enough. + +PHAED. We do admit you. + +CHAER. With all our hearts. + +GNAT. And you, Sirs, in return, +Shall pledge me in the Captain; eat him; drink him: +And laugh at him. + +CHAER. A bargain! + +PHAED. 'Tis his due. + +GNAT. Thraso, whene'er you please, approach! + +THRASO. Pray now, +How stands the case? + +GNAT. Alas! they knew you not! +But when I drew your character, and prais'd +Your worth, according to your deeds and virtues, +I gain'd my point. + +THRASO. 'Tis well: I'm much oblig'd; +I ne'er was any where, in all my life, +But all folks lov'd me dearly. + +GNAT. Did not I +Say he had all the Attic elegance? + +PHAED. He is the very character you drew. + +GNAT. Retire then. --Ye, (_to the audience_,) farewell, and clap your + hands! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + PHAED. O heavenly powers! + What wondrous things has Parmeno just told me! + But where's my brother? + CHAER. Here he is. + PHAED. I'm happy. + _Colman 1768_ + PHAED. Good heavens! + What wondrous things has Parmeno just told me! + But where's my brother? + CHAER. Here. + PHAED. I'm quite transported. + + _Harper_ + As my hope dies, my love increases. Gnatho + Your help! my expectation's all in you. + _Colman 1768_ + As my hope dies, my passion gathers strength. + Gnatho, your help! my only hope's in you. + + _Harper_ + PHAED. What is't you propose? + GNAT. I think you should admit the Captain, as + Your rival. + PHAED. How? admit him? + GNAT. Nay consider! + Phaedria, you live at a high rate with her + _Colman 1768_ + PHAED. What are your proposals? + GNAT. I think, 'twere not imprudent to admit + The Captain, as your rival. + PHAED. How! + Admit him, say you? + GNAT. Nay reflect a little. + Phaedria, you live at a high rate with Thais + + _Harper_ + Admit me of your family!--I have + Roll'd this stone long enough. + _Colman 1768_ + Admit me into your fraternity! + I've roll'd this stone too long. + + _Harper_ + GNAT. Thraso, whene'er you please, approach! + THRASO. Pray now, + _Colman 1768_ + GNAT. Thraso, whene'er you please, come forward! + THRASO. Well! + + _Harper_ + But all folks lov'd me dearly. + GNAT. Did not I + Say he had all the Attic elegance? + _Colman 1768_ + But all folks lov'd me most exceedingly. + GNAT. There, did I not assure you, gentlemen, + That he had all the Attick Elegance?] + + + * * * * * + * * * * + + +THE SELF-TORMENTOR. + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + PROLOGUE. + MENEDEMUS. + CHREMES. + CLINIA. + CLITIPHO. + SYRUS. + DROMO. + + SOSTRATA. + ANTIPHILA. + BACCHIS. + NURSE. + PHRYGIA, _and other servants of BACCHIS._ + +SCENE, _a Village near ATHENS._ + + + + +PROLOGUE. + + Lest any of you wonder, why the Bard +To an old actor hath assign'd the part +Sustain'd of old by young performers; that +I'll first explain: then say what brings +To-day, a whole play, wholly from the Greek, +We mean to represent:--The Self-Tormentor: +Wrought from a single to a double plot. + Now therefore that our comedy is new, +And what it is, I've shown: who wrote it too, +And whose in Greek it is, were I not sure +Most of you knew already, would I tell. +But, wherefore I have ta'en this part upon me, +In brief I will deliver: for the Bard +Has sent me here as pleader, not as Prologue; +You he declares his judges, me his counsel: +And yet as counsel nothing can I speak +More than the Author teaches me to say, +Who wrote th' oration which I now recite. + As to reports, which envious men have spread, +That he has ransack'd many Grecian plays, +While he composes some few Latin ones, +That he denies not, he has done; nor does +Repent he did it; means to do it still; +Safe in the warrant and authority +Of greater bards, who did long since the same. +Then for the charge, that his arch-enemy +Maliciously reproaches him withal, +That he but lately hath applied himself +To music, with the genius of his friends, +Rather than natural talents, fraught; how true, +Your judgment, your opinion, must decide. +I would entreat you, therefore, not to lean +To tales of slander, rather than of candor. +Be favorable; nurse with growing hopes +The bards, who give you pleasing novelties; +_Pleasing_ I say, not such as _His_ I mean, +Who lately introduc'd a breathless slave, +Making the crowd give way--But wherefore trace +A dunce's faults? which shall be shown at large, +When more he writes, unless he cease to rail. + Attend impartially! and let me once +Without annoyance act an easy part; +Lest your old servant be o'er-labor'd still +With toilsome characters, the running slave, +The eating parasite, enrag'd old man, +The bold-fac'd sharper, covetous procurer; +Parts, that ask pow'rs of voice, and iron sides. +Deign then, for my sake, to accept this plea, +And grant me some remission from my labor. +For they, who now produce new comedies, +Spare not my age! If there is aught laborious, +They run to me; but if of little weight, +Away to others. In our piece to-day +The style is pure: now try my talents then +In either character. If I for gain, +Never o'er-rated my abilities; +If I have held it still my chief reward +To be subservient to your pleasure; fix +In me a fair example, that our youth +May seek to please you, rather than themselves. + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + + _CHREMES, MENEDEMUS._ + +CHREM. Though our acquaintance is as yet but young, +Since you have bought this farm that neighbors mine, +And little other commerce is betwixt us; +Yet or your virtue, or good neighborhood, +(Which is in my opinion kin to friendship,) +Urge me to tell you, fairly, openly, +That you appear to me to labor more +Than your age warrants, or affairs require. +Now, in the name of heav'n and earth, what is't +You want? what seek you? Threescore years of age, +Or older, as I guess; with an estate, +Better than which, more profitable, none +In these parts hold; master of many slaves; +As if you had not one at your command, +You labor in their offices yourself. +I ne'er go out so soon at morn, return +So late at eve, but in your grounds I see you +Dig, plow, or fetch and carry: in a word, +You ne'er remit your toil, nor spare yourself. +This, I am certain, is not done for pleasure. +--You'll say, perhaps, it vexes you to see +Your work go on so slowly;--do but give +The time you spend in laboring yourself +To set your slaves to work, 'twill profit more. + +MENE. Have you such leisure from your own affairs +To think of those, that don't concern you, Chremes? + +CHREM. I am a man, and feel for all mankind. +Think, I advise, or ask for information: +If right, that I may do the same; if wrong, +To turn you from it. + +MENE. I have need to do thus. +Do you as you think fit. + +CHREM. Need any man +Torment himself? + +MENE. I need. + +CHREM. If there's a cause, +I'd not oppose it. But what evil's this? +What is th' offense so grievous to your nature, +That asks such cruel vengeance on yourself? + +MENE. Alas! alas! (_In tears._) + +CHREM. Nay, weep not; but inform me. +Be not reserv'd; fear nothing: prithee, trust me: +By consolation, counsel, or assistance, +I possibly may serve you. + +MENE. Would you know it? + +CHREM. Aye, for the very reason I have mention'd. + +MENE. I will inform you. + +CHREM. But meanwhile lay down +Those rakes: don't tire yourself. + +MENE. It must not be. + +CHREM. What mean you? + +MENE. Give me leave: that I may take +No respite from my toil. + +CHREM. I'll not allow it. (_Taking away the rakes._) + +MENE. Ah, you do wrong. + +CHREM. What, and so heavy too! (_Weighing them in his hand._) + +MENE. Such my desert. + +CHREM. Now speak. (_Laying down the rakes._) + +MENE. One only son +I have.--_Have_, did I say?--_Had_ I mean, Chremes. +Have I or no, is now uncertain. + +CHREM. Wherefore? + +MENE. That you shall know. An old Corinthian woman +Now sojourns here, a stranger in these parts, +And very poor. It happen'd, of her daughter +My son became distractedly enamor'd;---- +E'en to the brink of marriage; and all this +Unknown to me: which I no sooner learn'd +Than I began to deal severely with him, +Not as a young and love-sick mind requir'd, +But in the rough and usual way of fathers. +Daily I chid him; crying, "How now, Sir! +Think you that you shall hold these courses long, +And I your father living?--Keep a mistress, +As if she were your wife!--You are deceiv'd, +If you think that, and do not know me, Clinia. +While you act worthily, you're mine; if not, +I shall act toward you worthy of myself. +All this arises from mere idleness. +I, at your age, ne'er thought of love; but went +To seek my fortune in the wars in Asia, +And there acquir'd in arms both wealth and glory." +--In short, things came to such a pass, the youth, +O'ercome with hearing still the self-same thing, +And wearied out with my reproaches; thinking, +Age and experience had enabled me +To judge his interest better than himself, +Went off to serve the king in Asia, Chremes. + +CHREM. How say you? + +MENE. Stole away three months ago, +Without my knowledge. + +CHREM. Both have been to blame: +And yet this enterprise bespeaks a mind, +Modest and manly. + +MENE. Having heard of this +From some of his familiars, home I came +Mournful, half-mad, and almost wild with grief. +I sit me down; my servants run to me; +Some draw my sandals off; while others haste +To spread the couches, and prepare the supper: +Each in his way, I mark, does all he can +To mitigate my sorrow. Noting this, +"How," said I to myself, "so many then +Anxious for me alone? to pleasure me? +So many slaves to dress me? All this cost +For me alone?--Meanwhile, my only son, +For whom all these were fit, as well as me, +Nay rather more, since he is of an age +More proper for their use; him, him, poor boy, +Has my unkindness driven forth to sorrow. +Oh I were worthy of the heaviest curse, +Could I brook that!--No; long as he shall lead +A life of penury abroad, an exile +Through my unjust severity, so long +Will I revenge his wrongs upon myself, +Laboring, scraping, sparing, slaving for him." +--In short, I did so; in the house I left +Nor clothes, nor movables: I scrap'd up all. +My slaves, both male and female, except those +Who more than earn'd their bread in country-work, +I sold: Then set my house to sale: In all +I got together about fifteen talents; +Purchas'd this farm; and here fatigue myself; +Thinking I do my son less injury, +While I'm in misery too; nor is it just +For me, I think, to taste of pleasure here, +Till he return in safety to partake on't. + +CHREM. You I believe a tender parent, him +A duteous son, if govern'd prudently. +But you was unacquainted with his nature, +And he with yours: sad life, where things are so! +You ne'er betray'd your tenderness to him; +Nor durst he place that confidence in you, +Which well becomes the bosom of a father. +Had that been done, this had not happen'd to you. + +MENE. True, I confess; but I was most in fault. + +CHREM. All, Menedemus, will, I hope, be well, +And trust, your son will soon return in safety. + +MENE. Grant it, good Gods! + +CHREM. They will. Now, therefore, since +The Dionysia are held here to-day, +If 'tis convenient, come, and feast with me. + +MENE. Impossible. + +CHREM. Why so?--Nay, prithee now, +Indulge yourself a while: your absent son, +I'm sure, would have it so. + +MENE. It is not meet, +That I, who drove him forth to misery, +Should fly it now myself. + +CHREM. You are resolv'd? + +MENE. Most constantly. + +CHREM. Farewell then! + +MENE. Fare you well! (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Now, in the name of heav'n and earth, what is't + You want? what seek you? Threescore years of age + _Colman 1768_ + For in the name of heav'n and earth, what would you? + What do you drive at? Threescore years of age + + _Harper_ + I ne'er go out so soon at morn, return + So late at eve, but in your grounds I see you + Dig, plow, or fetch and carry: in a word, + _Colman 1768_ + I ne'er go out so soon, return so late, + Morning or evening, but I see you still + At labour on your acres, digging, plowing, + Or carrying some burden: in a word, + + _Harper_ + CHREM. If there's a cause, + I'd not oppose it. But what evil's this? + _Colman 1768_ + CHREM. If you're unhappy, + I'm sorry for it. But what evil's this? + + I possibly may serve you. + _"I" invisible in Harper edition_ + + "How," said I to myself, "so many then] + _inner quotes supplied from 1768 edition_ + + +SCENE II. + + _CHREMES alone._ + +He draws tears from me.--How I pity him! +--But 'tis high time, as the day goes, to warn +My neighbor Phania to come forth to supper. +I'll go, and see if he's at home. + (_Goes to PHANIA'S door, and returns._) + There was, +It seems, no need of warning: for, they tell me, +He has been gone to my house some time since; +I keep my guests in waiting; so I'll in. +But my doors creak. (_CLITIPHO appears._) Who's this? I'll step aside. + (_Retires._) + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + He has been gone to my house some time since; + I keep my guests in waiting; so I'll in. + But my doors creak. Who's this? I'll step aside. + _Colman 1768_ + He went to his appointment some time since. + 'Tis I myself that keep my guests in waiting. + I'll in immediately.--But what's the meaning + That my door opens?--Who's this?--I'll retire.] + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter CLITIPHO, speaking to CLINIA within._ + +As yet, my Clinia, you've no cause to fear: +They are not long: and she, I'm confident, +Will be here shortly with the messenger. +Prithee, away then with these idle cares, +Which thus torment you! + +CHREM. (_behind._) Whom does my son speak to? + +CLIT. My father as I wish'd--Good Sir, well met. + +CHREM. What now? + +CLIT. D'ye know our neighbor Menedemus? + +CHREM. Aye, very well. + +CLIT. D'ye know he has a son? + +CHREM. I've heard he is in Asia. + +CLIT. No such thing. +He's at our house, Sir. + +CHREM. How! + +CLIT. But just arriv'd: +Ev'n at his landing I fell in with him, +And brought him here to supper: for, from boys, +We have been friends and intimates. + +CHREM. Good news: +Now do I wish the more that Menedemus, +Whom I invited, were my guest to-day, +That I, and under my own roof, had been +The first to have surpris'd him with this joy! +And I may yet. (_Going._) + +CLIT. Take heed! it were not good. + +CHREM. How so? + +CLIT. Because the youth is yet in doubt: +Newly arriv'd; in fear of ev'ry thing; +He dreads his father's anger, and suspects +The disposition of his mistress tow'rds him; +Her, whom he dotes upon; on whose account, +This diff'rence and departure came about. + +CHREM. I know it. + +CLIT. He has just dispatch'd his boy +Into the city to her, and our Syrus +I sent along with him. + +CHREM. What says the son? + +CLIT. Says? that he's miserable. + +CHREM. Miserable! +Who needs be less so? for what earthly good +Can man possess which he may not enjoy? +Parents, a prosp'rous country, friends, birth, riches. +Yet these all take their value from the mind +Of the possessor: he that knows their use, +To him they're blessings; he that knows it not, +To him misuse converts them into curses. + +CLIT. Nay, but he ever was a cross old man: +And now there's nothing that I dread so much, +As lest he be transported in his rage +To some gross outrages against his son. + +CHREM. He!--He!--But I'll contain myself. 'Tis good +For Menedemus that his son should fear. (_Aside._) + +CLIT. What say you, Sir, within yourself! (_Overhearing._) + +CHREM. I say, +Be't as it might, the son should have remain'd. +Grant that the father bore too strict a hand +Upon his loose desires; he should have borne it. +Whom would he bear withal, if not a parent? +Was't fitting that the father should conform +To the son's humor, or the son to his? +And for the rigor that he murmurs at, +'Tis nothing: the severities of fathers, +Unless perchance a hard one here and there, +Are much the same: they reprimand their sons +For riotous excesses, wenching, drinking; +And starve their pleasures by a scant allowance. +Yet this all tends to good: but when the mind +Is once enslav'd to vicious appetites, +It needs must follow vicious measures too. +Remember then this maxim, Clitipho, +A wise one 'tis to draw from others' faults +A profitable lesson for yourself. + +CLIT. I do believe it. + +CHREM. Well, I'll in, and see +What is provided for our supper: you, +As the day wears, see that you're not far hence. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + That I, and under my own roof, had been + _Colman 1768_ + That I, and under my own roof, might be] + + +SCENE IV. + + _CLITIPHO alone._ + +What partial judges of all sons are fathers! +Who ask gray wisdom from our greener years, +And think our minds should bear no touch of youth; +Governing by their passions, now kill'd in them, +And not by those that formerly rebell'd. +If ever I've a son, I promise him +He shall find me an easy father; fit +To know, and apt to pardon his offenses! +Not such as mine, who, speaking of another, +Shows how he'd act in such a case himself: +Yet when he takes a cup or two too much, +Oh, what mad pranks he tells me of his own: +But warns me now "to draw from others' faults +A profitable lesson for myself." +Cunning old gentleman! he little knows, +He pours his proverbs in a deaf man's ear. +The words of Bacchis, _Give me, Bring me_, now +Have greater weight with me: to whose commands, +Alas! I've nothing to reply withal; +Nor is there man more wretched than myself. +For Clinia here (though he, I must confess, +Has cares enough) has got a mistress, modest, +Well-bred, and stranger to all harlot arts: +Mine is a self-will'd, wanton, haughty madam, +Gay, and extravagant; and let her ask +Whate'er she will, she must not be denied; +Since poverty I durst not make my plea. +This is a plague I have but newly found, +Nor is my father yet appris'd of it. + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter CLINIA._ + +CLIN. Had my affairs in love been prosperous, +They had, I know, been here long since: but, ah, +I fear she's fall'n from virtue in my absence: +So many things concur to prove it so, +My mind misgives me; opportunity, +The place, her age, an infamous old mother, +Under whose governance she lives, to whom +'Naught but gain's precious. + +_To him CLITIPHO._ + +CLIT. Clinia! + +CLIN. Woe is me! (_To himself._) + +CLIT. Take heed, lest some one issue from your father's, +And chance to see you here. + +CLIN. I will: but yet +My mind forebodes I know not what of ill. + +CLIT. What, still foreboding, ere you know the truth? + +CLIN. Had there been no untoward circumstance, +They had return'd already + +CLIT. Patience, Clinia! +They'll be here presently. + +CLIN. Presently! but when? + +CLIT. Consider, 'tis a long way off: and then +You know the ways of women; to set off, +And trick their persons out, requires an age. + +CLIN. Oh Clitipho, I fear---- + +CLIT. Take courage; see, +Dromo and Syrus! + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter SYRUS and DROMO, conversing at a distance._ + +SYRUS. Say you? + +DROMO. Even so. + +SYRUS. But while we chat, the girls are left behind. + +CLIT. (_listening._) Girls, Clinia! do you hear? + +CLIN. I hear, I see, +And now, at last, I'm happy, Clitipho. + +DROMO (_to SYRUS_). Left behind! troth, no wonder: so encumber'd; +A troop of waiting-women at her heels! + +CLIN. (_listening_). Confusion! Whence should she have waiting-women? + +CLIT. How can I tell? + +SYRUS (_to DROMO_). We ought not to have dropp'd them. +They bring a world of baggage! + +CLIN. (_listening_). Death! + +SYRUS. Gold, clothes! +It grows late too, and they may miss their way. +We've been to blame: Dromo, run back, and meet them. +Away! quick! don't loiter. + (_Exit DROMO._ + +CLIN. What a wretch! +All my fair hopes quite blasted! + +CLIT. What's the matter? +What is it troubles you? + +CLIN. What troubles me? +D'ye hear? She waiting-women, gold, and clothes! +She, whom I left with one poor servant-girl! +Whence come they, think you? + +CLIT. Oh, I take you now. + +SYRUS (_to himself_). Gods, what a crowd! our house will hardly hold + them. +What eating, and what drinking will there be! +How miserable our old gentleman! +But here are those I wish'd to see! + (_Seeing CLIT. and CLIN._) + +CLIN. Oh Jove! +Where then are truth, and faith, and honor fled? +While I a fugitive, for love of you, +Quit my dear country, you, Antiphila, +For sordid gain desert me in distress! +You, for whose sake I courted infamy, +And cast off my obedience to my father. +He, I remember now with grief and shame, +Oft warn'd me of these women's ways; oft tried +In vain by sage advice to wean me from her. +But now I bid farewell to her forever; +Though, when 'twere good and wholesome, I was froward. +No wretch more curs'd than I! + +SYRUS. He has misconstrued +All our discourse, I find--You fancy, Clinia, +Your mistress other than she is. Her life, +As far as we from circumstance could learn, +Her disposition tow'rd you, are the same. + +CLIN. How! tell me all: for there is naught on earth +I'd rather know than that my fears are false. + +SYRUS. First then, that you may be appris'd of all, +Th' old woman, thought her mother, was not so: +That beldam also is deceas'd; for this +I overheard her, as we came along, +Telling the other. + +CLIT. Other! who? what other? + +SYRUS. Let me but finish what I have begun, +And I shall come to that. + +CLIT. Dispatch then. + +SYRUS. First, +Having arriv'd, Dromo knocks at the door: +Which an old woman had no sooner open'd, +But in goes Dromo, and I after him. +Th' old woman bolts the door, and spins again, +And now, or never, Clinia, might be known, +Coming thus unexpectedly upon her, +Antiphila's employments in your absence: +For such, as then we saw, we might presume +Her daily practice, which of all things else, +Betrays the mind and disposition most. +Busily plying of the web we found her, +Decently clad in mourning,--I suppose, +For the deceas'd old woman.--She had on +No gold or trinkets, but was plain and neat, +And dress'd like those who dress but for themselves. +No female varnish to set off her beauty: +Her hair dishevel'd, long, and flowing loose +About her shoulders.--Peace! (_To CLINIA._) + +CLIN. Nay, prithee, Syrus, +Do not transport me thus without a cause. + +SYRUS. Th' old woman spun the woof; one servant-girl, +A tatter'd dirty dowdy, weaving by her. + +CLIT. Clinia, if this be true, as sure it is, +Who is more fortunate than you? D'ye mark +The ragged dirty girl that he describ'd? +A sign the mistress leads a blameless life, +When she maintains no flaunting go-between: +For 'tis a rule with those gallants, who wish +To win the mistress, first to bribe the maid. + +CLIN. Go on, I beg you, Syrus; and take heed +You fill me not with idle joy.--What said she +When you nam'd me? + +SYRUS. As soon as we inform'd her +You was return'd, and begg'd her to come to you, +She left her work immediately, and burst +Into a flood of tears, which one might see +Were shed for love of you. + +CLIN. By all the Gods, +I know not where I am for very joy. +Oh, how I trembled! + +CLIT. Without cause, I knew. +But come; now, Syrus, tell us, who's that other? + +SYRUS. Your mistress, Bacchis. + +CLIT. How! what! Bacchis? Tell me, +Where d'ye bring her, rogue? + +SYRUS. Where do I bring her? +To our house certainly. + +CLIT. My father's? + +SYRUS. Aye. + +CLIT. Oh monstrous impudence! + +SYRUS. Consider, Sir; +More danger, the more honor. + +CLIT. Look ye, Sirrah, +You mean to purchase praise at my expense, +Where the least slip of yours would ruin me. +What is't you drive at? + +SYRUS. But---- + +CLIT. But what? + +SYRUS. I'll tell you, +Give me but leave! + +CLIN. Permit him. + +CLIT. Well, I do. + +SYRUS. This business--now--is just as if-- (_Drawling._) + +CLIT. Confusion! +What a long roundabout beginning! + +CLIN. True. +To the point, Syrus! + +SYRUS. I've no patience with you. +You use me ill, Sir, and I can't endure it. + +CLIN. Hear him: peace, Clitipho! (_To CLITIPHO._) + +SYRUS. You'd be in love; +Possess your mistress; and have wherewithal +To make her presents: but to gain all this +You'd risk no danger. By my troth, you're wise, +If it be wise to wish for what can't be. +Take good and bad together; both, or none; +Choose which you will; no mistress, or no danger. +And yet, the scheme I've laid is fair and safe; +Your mistress may be with you at your father's +Without detection; by the self-same means +I shall procure the sum you've promis'd her, +Which you have rung so often in my ears, +You've almost deafen'd them.--What would you more? + +CLIT. If it may be so---- + +SYRUS. If! the proof shall show. + +CLIT. Well, well then, what's this scheme? + +SYRUS. We will pretend +That Bacchis is his mistress. + +CLIT. Mighty fine! +What shall become then of his own? Shall she +Pass for his too, because one's not enough +To answer for? + +SYRUS. No. She shall to your mother. + +CLIT. How so? + +SYRUS. 'Twere tedious, Clitipho, to tell: +Let it suffice, I've reason for it. + +CLIT. Nonsense! +I see no ground to make me hazard this. + +SYRUS. Well; if you dread this, I've another way, +Which you shall both own has no danger in't. + +CLIT. Aye, prithee, find that out. + +SYRUS. With all my heart. +I'll run and meet the woman on the road, +And order them to go straight home again. + +CLIT. How! what! + +SYRUS. I mean to ease you of your fear, +That you may sleep in peace on either side. (_Going._) + +CLIT. What shall I do? + +CLIN. E'en profit of his scheme. + +CLIT. But, Syrus, tell me then---- + +SYRUS. Away, away! +This day too late you'll wish for her in vain. (_Going._) + +CLIN. This is your time: enjoy it, while you may: +Who knows if you may have the like again? + +CLIT. Syrus, I say. + +SYRUS. Call as you please, I'll on. + +CLIT. Clinia, you're right.--Ho, Syrus! Syrus, ho! +Syrus, I say. + +SYRUS. So, he grows hot at last. (_To himself._) +What would you, Sir? (_Turning about._) + +CLIT. Come back, come back! + +SYRUS. I'm here. (_Returns._) +You're pleasure, Sir!--What, will not this content you? + +CLIT. Yes, Syrus; me, my passion, and my fame +I render up to you: dispose of all; +But see you're not to blame. + +SYRUS. Ridiculous! +Spare your advice, good Clitipho! you know +Success is my concern still more than yours: +For if perchance we fail in our attempt, +You shall have words; but I, alas! dry blows. +Be sure then of my diligence; and beg +Your friend to join, and countenance our scheme. + +CLIN. Depend on me: I see it must be so. + +CLIT. Thanks, my best Clinia! + +CLIN. But take heed she trip not. + +SYRUS. Oh, she's well instructed. + +CLIT. Still I wonder +How you prevail'd so easily upon her: +Her, who's so scornful. + +SYRUS. I came just in time, +Time, that in most affairs is all in all: +For there I found a certain wretched captain, +Begging her favors. She, an artful baggage, +Denied him, to inflame his mind the more, +And make her court to you.--But hark ye, Sir, +Be cautious of your conduct! no imprudence! +You know how shrewd and keen your father is; +And I know your intemperance too well. +No double-meanings, glances, leers, sighs, hems, +Coughing, or titt'ring, I beseech you, Sir! + +CLIT. I'll play my part---- + +SYRUS. Look to't! + +CLIT. To your content. + +SYRUS. But see, the women! they're soon after us. (_Looking out._) + +CLIT. Where are they?-- (_SYRUS stops him._) Why d'ye hold me? + +SYRUS. She is not +Your mistress now. + +CLIT. True: not before my father. +But now, meanwhile---- + +SYRUS. Nor now, meanwhile, + +CLIT. Allow me! + +SYRUS. No. + +CLIT. But a moment! + +SYRUS. No. + +CLIT. A single kiss! + +SYRUS. Away, if you are wise! + +CLIT. Well, well, I'm gone. +--What's he to do? + +SYRUS. Stay here. + +CLIT. O happy---- + +SYRUS. March! (_Pushes off CLITIPHO._) + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Away! quick! don't loiter. + _Colman 1768_ + Away! quick, quick! don't loiter. + + _Harper_ + CLIT. How! what! Bacchis? Tell me, + Where d'ye bring her, rogue? + SYRUS. Where do I bring her? + _Colman 1768_ + CLIT. How! what! Bacchis? + Where d'ye propose to carry her, rogue? + SYRUS. Where? + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. Oh, she's well instructed. + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. Oh, she is well instructed.] + + +SCENE III + + _Enter BACCHIS, and ANTIPHILA at a distance._ + +BACCH. Well, I commend you, my Antiphila: +Happy, that you have made it still your care, +That virtue should seem fair as beauty in you! +Nor Gracious Heav'n so help me, do I wonder +If ev'ry man should wish you for his own; +For your discourse bespeaks a worthy mind. +And when I ponder with myself, and weigh +Your course of life, and all the rest of those +Who live not on the common, 'tis not strange, +Your morals should be different from ours. +Virtue's your int'rest; those, with whom we deal, +Forbid it to be ours: For our gallants, +Charm'd by our beauty, court us but for that; +Which fading, they transfer their love to others. +If then meanwhile we look not to ourselves, +We live forlorn, deserted, and distress'd. +You, when you've once agreed to pass your life +Bound to one man, whose temper suits with yours, +He too attaches his whole heart to you: +Thus mutual friendship draws you each to each; +Nothing can part you, nothing shake your love. + +ANTI. I know not others'; for myself I know, +From his content I ever drew my own. + + {_CLINIA and SYRUS apart._} + +CLIN. (_overhearing_). Excellent maid! my best Antiphila! +Thou too, thy love alone is now the cause +That brings me to my native land again. +For when away, all evils else were light +Compar'd to wanting thee. + +SYRUS. I do believe it. + +CLIN. O Syrus, 'tis too much: I can not bear it. +Wretch that I am!--and must I be debarr'd +To give a loose to love, a love like this? + +SYRUS. And yet if I may judge your father's mind, +He has more troubles yet in store for you. + +BACCH. Who is that youth that eyes us? (_Seeing CLINIA._) + +ANTI. Ha! (_seeing him._)--Support me! + +BACCH. Bless me, what now? + +ANTI. I faint. + +BACCH. Alas, poor soul! +What is't surprises you, Antiphila? + +ANTI. Is't Clinia that I see, or no? + +BACCH. Whom do you see? + +CLIN. Welcome my soul! (_Running up to her._) + +ANTI. My wish'd-for Clinia, welcome! + +CLIN. How fares my love? + +ANTI. O'erjoyed at your return. + +CLIN. And do I hold thee, my Antiphila, +Thou only wish and comfort of my soul! + +SYRUS. In, in, for you have made our good man wait. (_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + +CHREM. 'Tis now just daybreak.--Why delay I then +To call my neighbor forth, and be the first +To tell him of his son's return?--The youth, +I understand, would fain not have it so. +But shall I, when I see this poor old man +Afflict himself so grievously, by silence +Rob him of such an unexpected joy, +When the discov'ry can not hurt the son? +No, I'll not do't; but far as in my pow'r +Assist the father. As my son, I see, +Ministers to th' occasions of his friend, +Associated in counsels, rank, and age, +So we old men should serve each other too. + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter MENEDEMUS._ + +MENE. (_to himself_). Sure I'm by nature form'd for misery +Beyond the rest of humankind, or else +'Tis a false saying, though a common one, +"That time assuages grief." For ev'ry day +My sorrow for the absence of my son +Grows on my mind: the longer he's away, +The more impatiently I wish to see him, +The more pine after him. + +CHREM. But he's come forth. (_Seeing MENEDEMUS._) +Yonder he stands. I'll go and speak with him. +Good-morrow, neighbor! I have news for you; +Such news as you'll be overjoy'd to hear. + +MENE. Of my son, Chremes? + +CHREM. He's alive and well. + +MENE. Where? + +CHREM. At my house. + +MENE. My son? + +CHREM. Your son. + +MENE. Come home? + +CHREM. Come home. + +MENE. My dear boy come? my Clinia? + +CHREM. He. + +MENE. Away then! prithee, bring me to him. + +CHREM. Hold! +He cares not you should know of his return, +And dreads your sight because of his late trespass. +He fears, besides, your old severity +Is now augmented. + +MENE. Did not you inform him +The bent of my affections? + +CHREM. Not I. + +MENE. Wherefore, Chremes? + +CHREM. Because 'twould injure both yourself and him +To seem of such a poor and broken spirit. + +MENE. I can not help it. Too long, much too long, +I've been a cruel father. + +CHREM. Ah, my friend, +You run into extremes; too niggardly, +Or, too profuse; imprudent either way. +First, rather than permit him entertain +A mistress, who was then content with little, +And glad of any thing, you drove him hence: +Whereon the girl was forc'd against her will, +To grow a common gamester for her bread: +And now she can't be kept without much cost, +You'd squander thousands. For to let you know +How admirably madam's train'd to mischief, +How finely form'd to ruin her admirers, +She came to my house yesternight with more +Than half a score of women at her tail, +Laden with clothes and jewels.--If she had +A Prince to her gallant, he could not bear +Such wild extravagance: much less can you. + +MENE. Is she within too? + +CHREM. She within! Aye, truly. +I've found it to my cost: for I have given +To her and her companions but one supper; +And to give such another would undo me. +For, not to dwell on other circumstances, +Merely to taste, and smack, and spirt about. +What quantities of wine has she consum'd! +_This is too rough_, she cries; _some softer, pray!_ +I have pierc'd every vessel, ev'ry cask; +Kept ev'ry servant running to and fro: +All this ado, and all in one short night! +What, Menedemus, must become of you, +Whom they will prey upon continually? +Now, afore Heaven, thinking upon this, +I pitied you. + +MENE. Why let him have his will; +Waste, consume, squander; I'll endure it all, +So I but have him with me. + +CHREM. If resolv'd +To take that course, I hold it of great moment +That he perceive not you allow of this. + +MENE. What shall I do then? + +CHREM. Any thing much rather +Than what you mean to do: at second-hand +Supply him; or permit his slave to trick you; +Though I perceive they're on that scent already, +And privately contriving how to do't. +There's Syrus, and that little slave of yours +In an eternal whisper: the young men +Consulting too together: and it were +Better to lose a talent by these means, +Than on your plan a mina: for at present +Money is not the question, but the means +To gratify the youth the safest way. +For if he once perceives your turn of mind, +And that you'd rather hazard life, and wealth, +Than part from him; ah, Menedemus, what +A window to debauchery you'll open! +Nay, life itself will grow a burden to you; +For too much liberty corrupts us all. +Whatever comes into his head, he'll have; +Nor think if his demand be right or wrong. +You, on your part, to see your wealth and son +Both wreck'd, will not be able to endure. +You'll not comply with his demands; whereon +He falls to his old fence immediately, +And knowing where your weak part lies, will threaten +To leave you instantly. + +MENE. 'Tis very like. + +CHREM. Now on my life I have not clos'd my eyes, +Nor had a single wink of sleep this night, +For thinking how I might restore your son. + +MENE. Give me your hand: and let me beg you, Chremes, +Continue to assist me! + +CHREM. Willingly. + +MENE. D'ye know what I would have you do at present? + +CHREM. What? + +MENE. Since you have found out they meditate +Some practice on me, prithee, urge them on +To execute it quickly: for I long +To grant his wishes, long to see him straight. + +CHREM. Let me alone. I must lay hold of Syrus, +And give him some encouragement.--But see! +Some one, I know not who, comes forth: In, in, +Lest they perceive that we consult together! +I have a little business too in hand. +Simus and Crito, our two neighbors here, +Have a dispute about their boundaries; +And they've referr'd it to my arbitration, +I'll go and tell them, 'tis not in my power +To wait on them, as I propos'd to-day. +I will be with you presently. + +MENE. Pray do. (_Exit CHREMES._ +Gods! that the nature of mankind is such, +To see and judge of the affairs of others +Much better than their own! Is't therefore so, +Because that, in our own concerns, we feel +Too much the influence of joy or sorrow? +How much more wisely does my neighbor here, +Consult for me, than I do for myself! + +CHREM. (_returning._) I've disengag'd myself! that I might be +At leisure to attend on your affairs. (_Exit MENEDEMUS._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + So I but have him with me. + _Colman 1768_ + So I but keep him with me. + + _Harper_ + And that you'd rather hazard life, and wealth, + Than part from him; ah, Menedemus, what + A window to debauchery you'll open! + Nay, life itself will grow a burden to you; + _Colman 1768_ + That you had rather throw away your life, + And waste your whole estate, than part with him, + Ah, what a window to debauchery + You'll open, Menedemus! Such a one, + As will embitter even life itself; + + _Harper_ + Too much the influence of joy or sorrow? + _Colman 1768_ + The influence of joy or grief too nearly?] + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter SYRUS at another part of the stage._ + +SYRUS (_to himself._) This way, or that way, or some way or other! +For money must be had, and th' old man trick'd. + +CHREM. (_overbearing._) Was I deceiv'd in thinking they were at it? +That slave of Clinia's, it should seem, is dull, +And so our Syrus has the part assign'd him. + +SYRUS. Who's there (_seeing CHREMES_). Undone if he has overheard me. + (_Aside._) + +CHREM. Syrus. + +SYRUS. Sir! + +CHREM. What now? + +SYRUS. Nothing.--But I wonder +To see you up so early in the morning, +Who drank so freely yesterday. + +CHREM. Not much. + +SYRUS. Not much? You have, Sir, as the proverb goes, +The old age of an eagle. + +CHREM. Ah! + +SYRUS. A pleasant, +Good sort of girl, this wench of Clinia's. + +CHREM. Aye, so she seems. + +SYRUS. And handsome. + +CHREM. Well enough. + +SYRUS. Not like the maids of old, but passable, +As girls go now: nor am I much amaz'd +That Clinia dotes upon her. But he has, +Alas, poor lad! a miserable, close, +Dry, covetous, curmudgeon to his father: +Our neighbor here; d'ye know him?--Yet, as if +He did not roll in riches, his poor son +Was forc'd to run away for very want. +D'ye know this story? + +CHREM. Do I know it? Aye. +A scoundrel! should be horse-whipp'd. + +SYRUS. Who? + +CHREM. That slave +Of Clinia's---- + +SYRUS. Troth, I trembled for you, Syrus! (_Aside._) + +CHREM. Who suffer'd this. + +SYRUS. Why what should he have done? + +CHREM. What?--have devis'd expedients, contriv'd schemes, +To raise the cash for the young gentleman +To make his mistress presents; and have done +A kindness to th' old hunks against his will. + +SYRUS. You jest. + +CHREM. Not I: it was his duty, Syrus. + +SYRUS. How's this? why prithee then, d'ye praise those slaves, +Who trick their masters? + +CHREM. Yes upon occasion. + +SYRUS. Mighty fine, truly! + +CHREM. Why, it oft prevents +A great deal of uneasiness: for instance, +This Clinia, Menedemus' only son, +Would never have elop'd. + +SYRUS. I can not tell +Whether he says all this in jest or earnest; +But it gives fresh encouragement to me. (_Aside._) + +CHREM. And now what is't the blockhead waits for, Syrus? +Is't till his master runs away again, +When he perceives himself no longer able +To bear with the expenses of his mistress? +Has he no plot upon th' old gentleman? + +SYRUS. He's a poor creature. + +CHREM. But it is your part, +For Clinia's sake, to lend a helping hand. + +SYRUS. Why, that indeed I easily can do, +If you command me; for I know which way. + +CHREM. I take you at your word. + +SYRUS. I'll make it good. + +CHREM. Do so. + +SYRUS. But hark ye, Sir! remember this, +If ever it hereafter comes to pass, +--As who can answer for th' affairs of men! +That your own son---- + +CHREM. I hope 'twill never be. + +SYRUS. I hope so too; nor do I mention this +From any knowledge or suspicion of him: +But that in case--his time of life, you know; +And should there be occasion, trust me, Chremes, +But I could handle you most handsomely. + +CHREM. Well, well, we'll think of it, when that time comes. +Now to your present task! (_Exit CHREMES._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. This way, or that way, or some way or other! + For money must be had, and th' old man trick'd. + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. One way, or other, money must be had, + And the old gentleman impos'd upon. + + _Harper_ + CHREM. What?--have devis'd expedients, contriv'd schemes, + _Colman 1768_ + CHREM. What?--have devis'd some scheme, some ways and means + + _Harper_ + This Clinia, Menedemus' only son, + Would never have elop'd. + SYRUS. I can not tell + Whether he says all this in jest or earnest; + But it gives fresh encouragement to me. + _Colman 1768_ + My neighbour Menedemus, well deceiv'd, + Would ne'er have seen his son abandon him. + SYRUS. I don't know whether he's in jest or earnest, + But it gives me encouragement to trick him. + + Now to your present task! + _initial "N" invisible in Harper edition_] + + +SCENE IV. + + _SYRUS alone._ + +I never heard +My master argue more commodiously; +Nor ever had a mind to mischief, when +It might be done with more impunity. +But who's this coming from our house? + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Nor ever had a mind to mischief, when + _Colman 1768_ + Nor ever was inclin'd to mischief, when] + + +SCENE V. + + _Enter CLITIPHO, and CHREMES following._ + +CHREM. How now? +What manners are these, Clitipho? does this +Become you? + +CLIT. What's the matter? + +CHREM. Did not I +This very instant see you put your hand +Into yon wench's bosom? + +SYRUS. So! all's over: +I am undone. (_Aside._) + +CLIT. Me, Sir? + +CHREM. These very eyes +Beheld you: don't deny it.--'Tis base in you +To be so flippant with your hands. For what +Affront's more gross than to receive a friend +Under your roof, and tamper with his mistress? +And, last night in your cups too, how indecent +And rudely you behav'd! + +SYRUS. 'Tis very true. + +CHREM. So very troublesome, so help me Heav'n, +I fear'd the consequence. I know the ways +Of lovers: they oft take offense at things +You dream not of. + +CLIT. But my companion, Sir, +Is confident I would not wrong him. + +CHREM. Granted. +Yet you should cease to hang forever on them. +Withdraw, and leave them sometimes to themselves. +Love has a thousand sallies; you restrain them. +I can conjecture from myself. There's none, +How near soever, Clitipho, to whom +I dare lay open all my weaknesses. +With one my pride forbids it, with another +The very action shames me: and believe me, +It is the same with him; and 'tis our place +To mark on what occasions to indulge him. + +SYRUS. What says he now? (_Aside._) + +CLIT. Confusion! + +SYRUS. Clitipho, +These are the very precepts that I gave you: +And how discreet and temperate you've been! + +CLIT. Prithee, peace! + +SYRUS. Aye, I warrant you. + +CHREM. Oh, Syrus, +I'm quite asham'd of him. + +SYRUS. I do not doubt it. +Nor without reason; for it troubles me. + +CLIT. Still, rascal! + +SYRUS. Nay, I do but speak the truth. + +CLIT. May I not then go near them? + +CHREM. Prithee, then, +Is there _one_ way alone of going near them? + +SYRUS. Confusion! he'll betray himself before +I get the money. (_Aside._)--Chremes, will you once +Hear a fool's counsel? + +CHREM. What do you advise? + +SYRUS. Order your son about his business. + +CLIT. Whither? + +SYRUS. Whither! where'er you please. Give place to them. +Go take a walk. + +CLIT. Walk! where? + +SYRUS. A pretty question! +This, that, or any way. + +CHREM. He says right. Go! + +CLIT. Now, plague upon you, Syrus! (_Going._) + +SYRUS (_to CLITIPHO, going_). Henceforth, learn +To keep those hands of yours at rest. (_Exit CLITIPHO._ + + [Changes: + + CLIT. Still, rascal! + _1768 edition has question mark_] + + +SCENE VI. + + _CHREMES, SYRUS._ + +D'ye mind? +What think you, Chremes, will become of him, +Unless you do your utmost to preserve, +Correct, and counsel him? + +CHREM. I'll take due care. + +SYRUS. But now's your time, Sir, to look after him. + +CHREM. It shall be done. + +SYRUS. It must be, if you're wise: +For ev'ry day he minds me less and less. + +CHREM. But, Syrus, say, what progress have you made +In that affair I just now mention'd to you? +Have you struck out a scheme that pleases you? +Or are you still to seek? + +SYRUS. The plot, you mean, +On Menedemus. I've just hit on one. + +CHREM. Good fellow! prithee now, what is't? + +SYRUS. I'll tell you. +But as one thing brings in another---- + +CHREM. Well? + +SYRUS. This Bacchis is a sad jade. + +CHREM. So it seems. + +SYRUS. Aye, Sir, if you knew all; nay, even now +She's hatching mischief.--Dwelling hereabouts, +There was of late an old Corinthian woman, +To whom this Bacchis lent a thousand pieces. + +CHREM. What then? + +SYRUS. The woman's dead; and left behind +A daughter, very young, whom she bequeath'd, +By way of pledge, to Bacchis for the money. + +CHREM. I understand. + +SYRUS. This girl came here with Bacchis, +And now is with your wife. + +CHREM. What then? + +SYRUS. She begs +Of Clinia to advance the cash; for which +She'll give the girl as an equivalent. +She wants the thousand pieces. + +CHREM. Does she so? + +SYRUS. No doubt on't. + +CHREM. So I thought.--And what do you +Intend to do? + +SYRUS. Who? I, Sir? I'll away +To Menedemus presently; and tell him +This maiden is a rich and noble captive, +Stolen from Caria; and to ransom her +Will greatly profit him. + +CHREM. 'Twill never do. + +SYRUS. How so? + +CHREM. I answer now for Menedemus. +_I will not purchase her._ What say you now? + +SYRUS. Give a more favorable answer! + +CHREM. No, +There's no occasion. + +SYRUS. No occasion? + +CHREM. No. + +SYRUS. I can not comprehend you. + +CHREM. I'll explain. +--But hold! what now? whence comes it that our door +Opens so hastily? + + [Changes: + + _CHREMES, SYRUS._ + _character names supplied from 1768 edition_] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Enter at a distance SOSTRATA with a ring, and the NURSE._ + +SOSTRA. Or I'm deceiv'd, +Or this is certainly the very ring; +The ring with which my daughter was expos'd. + +CHREM. (_to SYRUS, behind_). What can those words mean, Syrus? + +SOSTRA. Tell me, Nurse! +Does it appear to you to be the same? + +NURSE. Aye, marry: and the very moment that +You show'd it me, I said it was the same. + +SOSTRA. But have you thoroughly examin'd, Nurse? + +NURSE. Aye, thoroughly. + +SOSTRA. In then, and let me know +If she has yet done bathing; and meanwhile +I'll wait my husband here. (_Exit NURSE._ + +SYRUS. She wants you, Sir! inquire +What she would have. She's grave, I know not why. +'Tis not for nothing; and I fear the cause. + +CHREM. The cause? pshaw! nothing. She'll take mighty pains +To be deliver'd of some mighty trifle. + +SOSTRA. (_seeing them_). Oh husband! + +CHREM. Oh wife! + +SOSTRA. I was looking for you, + +CHREM. Your pleasure? + +SOSTRA. First, I must entreat you then, +Believe, I would not dare do any thing +Against your order. + +CHREM. What! must I believe +A thing past all belief?--I do believe it. + +SYRUS. This exculpation bodes some fault, I'm sure. (_Aside._) + +SOSTRA. Do you remember, I was pregnant once, +When you assur'd me with much earnestness, +That if I were deliver'd of a girl, +You would not have the child brought up? + +CHREM. I know +What you have done. You have brought up the child. + +SYRUS. Madam, if so, my master gains a loss. + +SOSTRA. No, I have not: but there was at that time +An old Corinthian woman dwelling here, +To whom I gave the child to be expos'd. + +CHREM. O Jupiter! was ever such a fool! + +SOSTRA. Ah, what have I committed? + +CHREM. What committed! + +SOSTRA. If I've offended, Chremes, 'tis a crime +Of ignorance, and nothing of my purpose. + +CHREM. Own it or not, I know it well enough, +That ignorantly, and imprudently, +You do and say all things; how many faults +In this one action are you guilty of! +For first, had you complied with my commands, +The girl had been dispatch'd; and not her death +Pretended, and hopes given of her life. +But that I do not dwell upon: You'll cry, +"--Pity,--a mother's fondness."--I allow it. +But then how rarely you provided for her! +What could you mean? consider!--for 'tis plain, +You have betray'd your child to that old beldam, +Either for prostitution, or for sale. +So she but liv'd, it was enough, you thought: +No matter how, or what vile life she led. +--What can one do, or how proceed, with those, +Who know of neither reason, right, nor justice? +Better or worse, for or against, they see +Nothing but what they list. + +SOSTRA. My dearest Chremes, +I own I have offended: I'm convinc'd. +But since you're more experienc'd than myself, +I pray you be the more indulgent too, +And let my weakness shelter in your justice. + +CHREM. Well, well, I pardon you: but, Sostrata, +Forgiving you thus easily, I do +But teach you to offend again. But come, +Say, wherefore you began this? + +SOSTRA. As we women +Are generally weak and superstitious, +When first to this Corinthian old woman +I gave the little infant, from my finger +I drew a ring, and charg'd her to expose +That with my daughter: that if chance she died, +She might have part of our possessions with her. + +CHREM. 'Twas right: you thus preserv'd yourself and her. + +SOSTRA. This is that ring. + +CHREM. Where had it you? + +SOSTRA. The girl +That Bacchis brought with her---- + +SYRUS. Ha! (_Aside._) + +CHREM. What says she? + +SOSTRA. Desir'd I'd keep it while she went to bathe. +I took no notice on't, at first; but I +No sooner look'd on't than I knew't again, +And straight ran out to you. + +CHREM. And what d'ye think, +Or know concerning her? + +SOSTRA. I can not tell, +Till you inquire it of herself, and find, +If possible, from whence she had the ring. + +SYRUS. Undone! I see more hope than I desire. +She's ours, if this be so. (_Aside._) + +CHREM. Is she alive +To whom you gave the child? + +SOSTRA. I do not know. + +CHREM. What did she tell you formerly? + +SOSTRA. That she +Had done what I commanded her. + +CHREM. Her name; +That we may make inquiry. + +SOSTRA. Philtere. + +SYRUS. The very same! she's found, and I am lost. (_Aside._) + +CHREM. In with me, Sostrata! + +SOSTRA. Beyond my hopes. +How much I fear'd you should continue still +So rigidly inclin'd, as formerly, +When you refus'd to educate her, Chremes! + +CHREM. Men can not always be as they desire, +But must be govern'd by their fortunes still. +The times are alter'd with me, and I wish +To have a daughter now; then, nothing less. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. She wants you, Sir! inquire + What she would have. She's grave, I know not why. + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. She wants you, Sir! + Enquire, what she would have. She's very grave.] + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _SYRUS, alone._ + +My mind misgives me, my defeat is nigh, +This unexpected incident has driven +My forces into such a narrow pass, +I can not even handsomely retreat +Without some feint, to hinder our old man +From seeing that this wench is Clitipho's. +As for the money, and the trick I dream'd of, +Those hopes are flown, and I shall hold it triumph, +So I but 'scape a scouring--Cursed fortune, +To have so delicate a morsel snatch'd +Out of my very jaws!--What shall I do? +What new device? for I must change my plan. +--Nothing so difficult, but may be won +By industry.--Suppose, I try it thus. (_Thinking._) +--'Twill never do.--Or thus?--No better still. +But thus I think.--No, no.--Yes, excellent! +Courage! I have it.--Good!--Good!--best of all!---- +--'Faith, I begin to hope to lay fast hold +Of that same slipp'ry money after all. + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter CLINIA at another part of the stage._ + +CLIN. Henceforward, fate, do with me what thou wilt! +Such is my joy, so full and absolute, +I can not know vexation. From this hour +To you, my father, I resign myself, +Content to be more frugal than you wish! + +SYRUS (_overhearing_). 'Tis just as I suppos'd. The girl's acknowledged; +His raptures speak it so.-- (_Going up._) I'm overjoyed +That things have happen'd to your wish. + +CLIN. O Syrus! +Have you then heard it too? + +SYRUS. I heard it? Aye: +I, who was present at the very time! + +CLIN. Was ever any thing so lucky? + +SYRUS. Nothing. + +CLIN. Now, Heav'n so help me, I rejoice at this +On her account much rather than my own, +Her, whom I know worthy the highest honors. + +SYRUS. No doubt on't.--But now, Clinia, hold a while! +Give me a moment's hearing in my turn. +For your friend's business must be thought of now, +And well secur'd, lest our old gentleman +Suspect about the wench. + +CLIN. O Jupiter! (_In raptures._) + +SYRUS. Peace! (_Impatiently._) + +CLIN. My Antiphila shall be my wife. + +SYRUS. And will you interrupt me? + +CLIN. Oh, my Syrus, +What can I do! I'm overjoy'd. Bear with me. + +SYRUS. Troth so I do. + +CLIN. We're happy, as the Gods. + +SYRUS. I lose my labor on you. + +CLIN. Speak; I hear. + +SYRUS. Aye, but you don't attend. + +CLIN. I'm all attention. + +SYRUS. I say then, Clinia, that your friend's affairs +Must be attended to, and well secur'd: +For if you now depart abruptly from us, +And leave the wench upon our hands, my master +Will instantly discover she belongs +To Clitipho. But if you take her off, +It will remain, as still it is, a secret. + +CLIN. But, Syrus, this is flatly opposite +To what I most devoutly wish, my marriage, +For with what face shall I accost my father? +D'ye understand me? + +SYRUS. Aye. + +CLIN. What can I say? +What reason can I give him? + +SYRUS. Tell no lie. +Speak the plain truth. + +CLIN. How? + +SYRUS. Every syllable. +Tell him your passion for Antiphila; +Tell him you wish to marry her, and tell him, +Bacchis belongs to Clitipho. + +CLIN. 'Tis well, +In reason, and may easily be done: +And then besides you'd have me win my father, +To keep it hid from your old gentleman. + +SYRUS. No; rather to prevail on him, to go +And tell him the whole truth immediately. + +CLIN. How? are you mad? or drunk? You'll be the ruin +Of Clitipho: for how can he be safe? +Eh, Sirrah! + +SYRUS. That's my master-piece: this plot +Is my chief glory, and I'm proud to think +I have such force, such power of cunning in me, +As to be able to deceive them both, +By speaking the plain truth: that when your father +Tells Chremes, Bacchis is his own son's mistress, +He sha'n't believe it. + +CLIN. But that way again +You blast my hopes of marriage: for while Chremes +Supposes her my mistress, he'll not grant +His daughter to me. You, perhaps, don't care, +So you provide for him, what comes of me. + +SYRUS. Why, plague! d'ye think I'd have you counterfeit +Forever? but a day, to give me time +To bubble Chremes of the money.--Peace! +Not an hour more. + +CLIN. Is that sufficient for you? +But then, suppose his father find it out! + +SYRUS. Suppose, as some folks say, the sky should fall! + +CLIN. Still I'm afraid. + +SYRUS. Afraid indeed, as if +It was not in your pow'r, whene'er you pleas'd, +To clear yourself, and tell the whole affair. + +CLIN. Well, well, let Bacchis be brought over then! + +SYRUS. Well said; and here she comes. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. I heard it? Aye: + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. Undoubtedly.] + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter BACCHIS, PHRYGIA, etc., at another part of the stage._ + +BACCH. Upon my life, +This Syrus with his golden promises +Has fool'd me hither charmingly! Ten minae +He gave me full assurance of: but if +He now deceives me, come whene'er he will, +Canting and fawning to allure me hither, +It shall be all in vain; I will not stir. +Or when I have agreed, and fix'd a time, +Of which he shall have giv'n his master notice, +And Clitipho is all agog with hope, +I'll fairly jilt them both, and not come near them; +And master Syrus' back shall smart for it. + +CLIN. She promises you very fair. + +SYRUS. D'ye think +She jests? She'll do it, if I don't take heed. + +BACCH. They sleep: i' faith, I'll rouse them. Hark ye, Phrygia, +Didst note the villa of Charinus, which +That fellow just now show'd us? (_Aloud._) + +PHRY. I did, Madam. + +BACCH. The next house on the right hand. (_Aloud._) + +PHRY. I remember. + +BACCH. Run thither quickly: for the Captain spends +The Dionysia there. (_Aloud._) + +SYRUS (_behind_). What means she now? + +BACCH. Tell him I'm here; and sore against my will, +Detain'd by force; but that I'll find some means +To slip away and come to him. (_Aloud._) + +SYRUS. Confusion!-- (_Comes forward._) +Stay, Bacchis, Bacchis! where d'ye send that girl? +Bid her stop! + +BACCH. Go! (_To PHRYGIA._) + +SYRUS. The money's ready. + +BACCH. Then +I stay. (_PHRYGIA returns._) + +SYRUS. This instant you shall have it, Bacchis. + +BACCH. When you please; I don't press you. + +SYRUS. But d'ye know +What you're to do? + +BACCH. Why, what? + +SYRUS. You must go over, +You and your equipage, to Menedemus. + +BACCH. What are you at now, sauce-box? + +SYRUS. Coining money +For your use, Bacchis. + +BACCH. Do you think to play +Your jests on me? + +SYRUS. No; this is downright earnest. + +BACCH. Are you the person I'm to deal with? + +SYRUS. No. +But there I'll pay the money. + +BACCH. Let us go then! + +SYRUS. Follow her there.----Ho, Dromo! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Didst note the villa of Charinus, which + That fellow just now show'd us? + PHRY. I did, Madam. + BACCH. The next house on the right hand. + PHRY. I remember. + _Colman 1768_ + Did you observe the villa of Charinus, + Which yonder fellow shew'd us? + PHRY. I did, Madam. + BACCH. The next upon the right. + PHRY. I recollect. + + _Harper_ + Detain'd by force; but that I'll find some means + _Colman 1768_ + Detain'd by force; but I'll devise some means + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. The money's ready. + BACCH. Then + I stay. + SYRUS. This instant you shall have it, Bacchis. + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. The money's ready for you + BACCH. Oh! then I stay. + SYRUS. You shall be paid directly. + + _Harper_ + But there I'll pay the money. + _Colman 1768_ + But 'twill secure your money.] + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter DROMO._ + +DROMO. Who calls? + +SYRUS. Syrus. + +DROMO. Your pleasure! What's the matter now? + +SYRUS. Conduct +All Bacchis' maids to your house instantly. + +DROMO. Why so? + +SYRUS. No questions: let them carry over +All they brought hither. Our old gentleman +Will think himself reliev'd from much expense +By their departure. Troth, he little knows +With how much loss this small gain threatens him. +If you're wise, Dromo, know not what you know. + +DROMO. I'm dumb. + + (_Exit DROMO, with BACCHIS' servants and baggage, into the house of + MENEDEMUS._ + + +SCENE V. + + _After which, enter CHREMES._ + +CHREM. (_to himself_). 'Fore Heav'n, I pity Menedemus. +His case is lamentable: to maintain +That jade and all her harlot family! +Although I know for some few days to come +He will not feel it; so exceedingly +He long'd to have his son: but when he sees +Such monstrous household riot and expense +Continue daily, without end or measure, +He'll wish his son away from him again. +But yonder's Syrus in good time. (_Seeing SYRUS._) + +SYRUS. I'll to him. (_Aside._) + +CHREM. Syrus! + +SYRUS. Who's there? (_Turning about._) + +CHREM. What now? + +SYRUS. The very man! +I have been wishing for you this long time. + +CHREM. You seem to've been at work with the old man. + +SYRUS. What! at our plot? No sooner said than done. + +CHREM. Indeed! + +SYRUS. Indeed. + +CHREM. I can't forbear to stroke +Your head for it. Good lad! come nearer, Syrus! +I'll do thee some good turn for this. I will, +I promise you. (_Patting his head._) + +SYRUS. Ah, if you did but know +How luckily it came into my head! + +CHREM. Pshaw, are you vain of your good luck? + +SYRUS. Not I. +I speak the plain truth. + +CHREM. Let me know it then. + +SYRUS. Clinia has told his father that the wench +Is mistress to your Clitipho; and that +He brought her with him hither, to prevent +Your smoking it. + +CHREM. Incomparable! + +SYRUS. Really? + +CHREM. O, admirable! + +SYRUS. Aye, if you knew all. +But only hear the rest of our advice. +He'll tell his father he has seen your daughter, +Whose beauty has so charm'd him at first sight, +He longs to marry her. + +CHREM. Antiphila? + +SYRUS. The same: and he'll request him to demand her +Of you in marriage. + +CHREM. To what purpose, Syrus? +I don't conceive the drift on't. + +SYRUS. No! you're slow. + +CHREM. Perhaps so. + +SYRUS. Menedemus instantly +Will furnish him with money for the wedding, +To buy----d'ye take me? + +CHREM. Clothes and jewels. + +SYRUS. Aye. + +CHREM. But I will neither marry, nor betroth +My daughter to him. + +SYRUS. No? Why? + +CHREM. Why!--is that +A question? to a wretch!---- + +SYRUS. Well, as you please. +I never meant that he should marry her, +But only to pretend---- + +CHREM. I hate pretense. +Plot as you please, but do not render me +An engine in your rogueries. Shall I +Contract my daughter, where I never can +Consent to marry her? + +SYRUS. I fancied so. + +CHREM. Not I. + +SYRUS. It might be done most dextrously: +And, in obedience to your strict commands, +I undertook this business. + +CHREM. I believe it. + +SYRUS. However, Sir, I meant it well. + +CHREM. Nay, nay, +Do't by all means, and spare no trouble in't; +But bring your scheme to bear some other way. + +SYRUS. It shall be done: I'll think upon some other. +--But then the money which I mention'd to you, +Owing to Bacchis by Antiphila, +Must be repaid her: and you will not now +Attempt to shift the matter off; or say, +"--What is't to me? was I the borrower? +Did I command it? Could she pledge my daughter +Against my will?"----You can say none of this; +For 'tis a common saying, and a true, +That strictest law is oft the highest wrong. + +CHREM. I mean not to evade it. + +SYRUS. No, I'll warrant. +Nay you, though others did, could never think on't; +For all the world imagines you've acquir'd +A fair and handsome fortune. + +CHREM. I will carry +The money to her instantly myself. + +SYRUS. No; rather send it by your son. + +CHREM. Why so! + +SYRUS. Because he acts the part of her gallant. + +CHREM. What then? + +SYRUS. Why then 'twill seem more probable, +If he presents it: I too shall effect +My scheme more easily.--And here he is.---- +In, Sir, and fetch the money out. + +CHREM. I will. (_Exit CHREMES._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + _After which, enter CHREMES._ + _Colman 1768_ + _Enter CHREMES._ + + _Harper_ + CHREM. You seem to've been at work with the old man. + _Colman 1768_ + CHREM. You seem to've been at work with Menedemus. + + _Harper_ + He brought her with him hither, to prevent + Your smoking it. + CHREM. Incomparable! + SYRUS. Really? + CHREM. O, admirable! + SYRUS. Aye, if you knew all. + But only hear the rest of our advice. + _Colman 1768_ + He brought her over with him to their house, + To hinder your detecting it. + CHREM. Good! good! + SYRUS. D'ye think so? + CHREM. Charming! + SYRUS. Aye, if you knew all. + But only hear the rest of our device. + + _Harper_ + Against my will?"----You can say none of this; + _Colman 1768_ + Against my will?"----These pleas you cannot urge;] + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter CLITIPHO._ + +CLIT. (_to himself_). Nothing so easy in itself, but when +Perform'd against one's will, grows difficult. +This little walk how easy! yet how faint +And weary it has made me!--and I fear +Lest I be still excluded, and forbid +To come near Bacchis. (_Seeing SYRUS._)--Now all powers above. +Confound you, Syrus, for the trick you play'd me! +That brain of yours is evermore contriving +Some villainy to torture me withal. + +SYRUS. Away, you malapert! Your frowardness +Had well-nigh ruin'd me. + +CLIT. I would it had, +As you deserv'd! + +SYRUS. As I deserv'd!--How's that?---- +Before you touch'd the cash, that I was just +About to give you. + +CLIT. Why, what can I say? +You went away; came back, beyond my hopes, +And brought my mistress with you; then again +Forbade my touching her. + +SYRUS. Well, well, I can't +Be peevish with you now--But do you know +Where Bacchis is? + +CLIT. At our house. + +SYRUS. No. + +CLIT. Where then? + +SYRUS. At Clinia's. + +CLIT. Then I'm ruin'd. + +SYRUS. Courage, man! +You shall go to her instantly, and carry +The money that you promis'd her. + +CLIT. Fine talk! +Where should I get it? + +SYRUS. From your father. + +CLIT. Pshaw! +You play upon me. + +SYRUS. The event shall show. + +CLIT. Then I am bless'd indeed. Thanks, thanks, dear Syrus! + +SYRUS. Hist! here's your father.--Have a care! don't seem +Surpris'd at any thing: give way in all: +Do as he bids, and say but little. Mum! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. Away, you malapert! Your frowardness + Had well-nigh ruin'd me. + CLIT. I would it had, + As you deserv'd! + SYRUS. As I deserv'd!--How's that?---- + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. Away, you malapert! Your frowardness + Had well-nigh been my ruin. + CLIT. Would it had! + For you deserv'd it richly. + SYRUS. How! deserv'd it? + I'faith I'm glad I heard you say so much] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Enter CHREMES._ + +CHREM. Where's Clitipho? + +SYRUS (_to CLITIPHO_). Here, say. + +CLIT. Here, Sir! + +CHREM. Have you +Inform'd him of the business? (_To SYRUS._) + +SYRUS. In good part. + +CHREM. Here, take the money then, and carry it. (_To CLITIPHO._) + +SYRUS. Plague, how you stand, log!--take it. + +CLIT. Give it me. (_Awkwardly._) + +SYRUS. Now in with me immediately!--You, Sir, (_To CHREMES._) +Be pleas'd meanwhile to wait our coming here; +There's nothing to detain us very long. + (_Exit CLITIPHO and SYRUS._ + + +SCENE VIII. + + _CHREMES alone._ + +My daughter now has had ten minae of me, +Which I account laid out upon her board: +Ten more her clothes will come to: and moreover +Two talents for her portion.----How unjust +And absolute is custom! I must now +Leave every thing, and find a stranger out, +On whom I may bestow the sum of wealth +Which I have so much labor'd to acquire. + + +SCENE IX. + + _Enter MENEDEMUS._ + +MENE. (_to himself_). Oh son, how happy hast thou made thy father, +Convinc'd of thy repentance! + +CHREM. (_overhearing_). How mistaken! + +MENE. Chremes! I wish'd for you.--'Tis in your power, +And I beseech you do it, to preserve +My son, myself, and family. + +CHREM. I'll do't. +Wherein can I oblige you? + +MENE. You to-day +Have found a daughter. + +CHREM. True. What then? + +MENE. My Clinia +Begs your consent to marry her. + +CHREM. Good Heaven! +What kind of man are you? + +MENE. What mean you, Chremes? + +CHREM. Has it then slipp'd your memory so soon, +The conversation that we had together, +Touching the rogueries they should devise, +To trick you of your money? + +MENE. I remember. + +CHREM. This is the trick. + +MENE. How, Chremes? I'm deceiv'd. +'Tis as you say. From what a pleasing hope +Have I then fall'n! + +CHREM. And she, I warrant you, +Now at your house, is my son's mistress? Eh! + +MENE. So they say. + +CHREM. What! and you believ'd it? + +MENE. All. + +CHREM. --And they say too he wants to marry her; +That soon as I've consented, you may give him +Money to furnish her with jewels, clothes, +And other necessaries. + +MENE. Aye, 'tis so: +The money's for his mistress. + +CHREM. To be sure. + +MENE. Alas, my transports are all groundless then. +--Yet I would rather bear with any thing, +Than lose my son again.--What answer, Chremes, +Shall I return with, that he mayn't perceive +I've found him out, and take offense? + +CHREM. Offense! +You're too indulgent to him, Menedemus! + +MENE. Allow me. I've begun, and must go through. +Do but continue to assist me. + +CHREM. Say, +That we have met, and treated of the match. + +MENE. Well; and what else? + +CHREM. That I give full consent; +That I approve my son-in-law;--In short, +You may assure him also, if you please, +That I've betroth'd my daughter to him. + +MENE. Good! +The thing I wanted. + +CHREM. So shall he the sooner +Demand the money; you, as you desire, +The sooner give. + +MENE. 'Tis my desire indeed. + +CHREM. 'Troth, friend, as far as I can judge of this, +You'll soon be weary of your son again. +But as the case now stands, give cautiously, +A little at a time, if you are wise. + +MENE. I will. + +CHREM. Go in, and see what he demands. +If you should want me, I'm at home. + +MENE. 'Tis well. +For I shall let you know, do what I will. (_Exeunt severally._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Do but continue to assist me. + CHREM. Say, + That we have met, and treated of the match. + _Colman 1768_ + Do but continue to assist me, Chremes. + CHREM. Say we have met, and treated of the match. + + _Harper_ + MENE. Good! + The thing I wanted. + CHREM. So shall he the sooner + Demand the money; you, as you desire, + The sooner give. + MENE. 'Tis my desire indeed. + CHREM. 'Troth, friend, as far as I can judge of this, + You'll soon be weary of your son again. + But as the case now stands, give cautiously, + A little at a time, if you are wise. + _Colman 1768_ + MENE. Good! + The very thing I wanted. + CHREM. So your son + The sooner shall demand the money of you; + And so shall you, according to your wish + The sooner give. + MENE. It is my wish indeed. + CHREM. 'Fore heaven, friend, as far as I can judge, + You'll soon be weary of your son again. + But be it as it may, give cautiously, + A little at a time, if you are wise.] + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _MENEDEMUS alone._ + +That I'm not overwise, no conjurer, +I know full well: but my assistant here, +And counselor, and grand controller Chremes, +Outgoes me far: dolt, blockhead, ninny, ass; +Or these, or any other common terms +By which men speak of fools, befit me well: +But him they suit not: his stupidity +Is so transcendent, it exceeds them all. + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter CHREMES._ + +CHREM. (_to SOSTRATA, within_). Nay prithee, good wife, cease to stun + the Gods +With thanking them that you have found your daughter; +Unless you fancy they are like yourself, +And think they can not understand a thing +Unless said o'er and o'er a hundred times. +--But meanwhile (_coming forward_) wherefore do my son and Syrus +Loiter so long? + +MENE. Who are those loiterers, Chremes? + +CHREM. Ha, Menedemus, are you there?--Inform me, +Have you told Clinia what I said? + +MENE. The whole. + +CHREM. And what said he? + +MENE. Grew quite transported at it, +Like those who wish for marriage. + +CHREM. Ha! ha! ha! + +MENE. What do you laugh at? + +CHREM. I was thinking of +The cunning rogueries of that slave, Syrus. (_Laughing._) + +MENE. Oh, was that it? + +CHREM. Why, he can form and mould +The very visages of men, a rogue! (_Laughing._) + +MENE. Meaning my son's well-acted transport? + +CHREM. Aye. (_Laughing._) + +MENE. The very same thing I was thinking of. + +CHREM. A subtle villain! (_Laughing._) + +MENE. Nay, if you knew more, +You'd be still more convinc'd on't. + +CHREM. Say you so? + +MENE. Aye; do but hear. + +CHREM. (_laughing_). Hold! hold! inform me first +How much you're out of pocket. For as soon +As you inform'd your son of my consent, +Dromo, I warrant, gave you a broad hint +That the bride wanted jewels, clothes, attendants; +That you might pay the money. + +MENE. No. + +CHREM. How? No? + +MENE. No, I say. + +CHREM. What! nor Clinia? + +MENE. Not a word; +But only press'd the marriage for to-day. + +CHREM. Amazing!--But our Syrus? Did not he +Throw in a word or two? + +MENE. Not he. + +CHREM. How so? + +MENE. Faith I can't tell: but I'm amaz'd that you, +Who see so clearly into all the rest, +Should stick at this.--But that arch villain Syrus +Has form'd and moulded your son too so rarely. +That nobody can have the least suspicion +That this is Clinia's mistress. + +CHREM. How? + +MENE. I pass +Their kisses and embraces. All that's nothing. + +CHREM. What is there more than he can counterfeit? + +MENE. Ah! (_Smiling._) + +CHREM. What d'ye mean? + +MENE. Nay, do but hear. I have +A private snug apartment, a back room, +Whither a bed was brought and made. + +CHREM. What then? + +MENE. No sooner done, than in went Clitipho. + +CHREM. Alone? + +MENE. Alone. + +CHREM. I tremble. + +MENE. Bacchis follow'd. + +CHREM. Alone? + +MENE. Alone. + +CHREM. Undone! + +MENE. No sooner in, +But they made fast the door. + +CHREM. Ha! And was Clinia +Witness to this? + +MENE. He was.--Both he and I. + +CHREM. Bacchis is my son's mistress, Menedemus. +I'm ruin'd. + +MENE. Why d'ye think so? + +CHREM. Mine is scarce +A ten-days' family. + +MENE. What are you dismay'd +Because he sticks so closely to his friend? + +CHREM. Friend! His she-friend. + +MENE. If so---- + +CHREM. Is that a doubt? +Is any man so courteous, and so patient, +As tamely to stand by and see his mistress---- + +MENE. Ha, ha, ha! Why not?--That I, you know, +Might be more easily impos'd upon. (_Ironically._) + +CHREM. D'ye laugh at me? I'm angry with myself: +And well I may. How many circumstances +Conspir'd to make it gross and palpable, +Had I not been a stone!--What things I saw! +Fool, fool! But by my life I'll be reveng'd: +For now---- + +MENE. And can't you then contain yourself? +Have you no self-respect? And am not I +A full example for you? + +CHREM. Menedemus, +My anger throws me quite beside myself. + +MENE. That you should talk thus! is it not a shame +To be so lib'ral of advice to others, +So wise abroad, and poor in sense at home? + +CHREM. What shall I do? + +MENE. That which but even now +You counsel'd me to do: Give him to know +That you're indeed a father: let him dare +Trust his whole soul to you, seek, ask of you; +Lest he to others have recourse, and leave you. + +CHREM. And let him go; go where he will; much rather +Than here by his extravagance reduce +His father to distress and beggary. +For if I should continue to supply +The course of his expenses, Menedemus, +Your desp'rate rakes would be my lot indeed. + +MENE. Ah, to what evils you'll expose yourself, +Unless you're cautious! You will seem severe, +And yet forgive him afterward, and then +With an ill grace too. + +CHREM. Ah, you do not know +How much this grieves me. + +MENE. Well, well, take your way. +But tell me, do you grant me my request +That this your new-found daughter wed my son? +Or is there aught more welcome to you? + +CHREM. Nothing. +The son-in-law and the alliance please me. + +MENE. What portion shall I tell my son you've settled! +Why are you silent? + +CHREM. Portion! + +MENE. Aye, what portion? + +CHREM. Ah! + +MENE. Fear not, Chremes, though it be but small: +The portion nothing moves us. + +CHREM. I propos'd, +According to my fortune, that two talents +Were full sufficient: But you now must say, +If you'd save me, my fortune, and my son, +That I have settled all I have upon her. + +MENE. What mean you? + +CHREM. Counterfeit amazement too, +And question Clitipho my reason for it. + +MENE. Nay, but I really do not know your reason. + +CHREM. My reason for it?--That his wanton mind, +Now flush'd with lux'ry and lasciviousness, +I may o'erwhelm: and bring him down so low, +He may not know which way to turn himself. + +MENE. What are you at? + +CHREM. Allow me! let me have +My own way in this business. + +MENE. I allow you. +Is it your pleasure? + +CHREM. It is. + +MENE. Be it so. + +CHREM. Come then, let Clinia haste to call the bride. +And for this son of mine, he shall be school'd, +As children ought.--But Syrus! + +MENE. What of him? + +CHREM. What! I'll so handle him, so curry him, +That while he lives he shall remember me. (_Exit MENEDEMUS._ +What, make a jest of me? a laughing-stock? +Now, afore Heav'n, he would not dare to treat +A poor lone widow as he treated me. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + MENE. The very same thing I was thinking of. + _Colman 1768_ + MENE. The very thing that I was thinking of. + + CHREM. What is there more that he can counterfeit? + _Harper edition reads "more than he"_ + + Fool, fool! But by my life I'll be reveng'd: + _the 1896 Harper printing has "I'll he". Everywhere else, + the 1859 and 1896 printings appear to be made from the same + plates_] + + +SCENE III. + + _Re-enter MENEDEMUS, with CLITIPHO and SYRUS._ + +CLIT. And can it, Menedemus, can it be, +My father has so suddenly cast off +All natural affection? for what act? +What crime, alas! so heinous have I done? +It is a common failing. + +MENE. This I know, +Should be more heavy and severe to you +On whom it falls: and yet am I no less +Affected by it, though I know not why, +And have no other reason for my grief, +But that I wish you well. + +CLIT. Did not you say +My father waited here? + +MENE. Aye; there he is. (_Exit MENEDEMUS._ + +CHREM. Why d'ye accuse your father, Clitipho? +Whate'er I've done, was providently done +Tow'rd you and your imprudence. When I saw +Your negligence of soul, and that you held +The pleasures of to-day your only care, +Regardless of the morrow; I found means +That you should neither want, nor waste my substance. +When you, whom fair succession first made heir, +Stood self-degraded by unworthiness, +I went to those the next in blood to you, +Committing and consigning all to them. +There shall your weakness, Clitipho, be sure +Ever to find a refuge; food, and raiment, +And roof to fly to. + +CLIT. Ah me! + +CHREM. Better thus, +Than, you being heir, for Bacchis to have all. + +SYRUS. Distraction! what disturbances have I, +Wretch that I am, all unawares created! + +CLIT. Would I were dead! + +CHREM. Learn first what 'tis to live. +When you know that, if life displeases you, +Then talk of dying. + +SYRUS. Master, may I speak? + +CHREM. Speak. + +SYRUS. But with safety? + +CHREM. Speak. + +SYRUS. How wrong is this, +Or rather what extravagance and madness, +To punish him for my offense! + +CHREM. Away! +Do not you meddle. No one blames you, Syrus! +Nor need you to provide a sanctuary, +Or intercessor. + +SYRUS. What is it you do? + +CHREM. I am not angry, nor with you, nor him: +Nor should you take offense at what I do. + (_Exit CHREMES._ + + +SCENE IV. + + _Manent CLITIPHO, SYRUS._ + +SYRUS. He's gone. Ah, would I'd ask'd him---- + +CLIT. Ask'd what, Syrus? + +SYRUS. Where I should eat, since he has cast us off. +You, I perceive, are quarter'd on your sister. + +CLIT. Is't come to this, that I should be in fear +Of starving, Syrus? + +SYRUS. So we do but live, +There's hope---- + +CLIT. Of what? + +SYRUS. That we shall have rare stomachs. + +CLIT. D'ye jest at such a time as this; +And lend me no assistance by your counsel? + +SYRUS. Nay, I was studying for you even now. +And was so all the while your father spoke. +And far as I can understand this---- + +CLIT. What? + +SYRUS. Stay, you shall have it presently. (_Thinking._) + +CLIT. Well, what? + +SYRUS. Thus then: I don't believe that you're their son. + +CLIT. How Syrus! are you mad? + +SYRUS. I'll speak my thoughts. +Be you the judge. While they had you alone, +While yet there was no other nearer joy, +You they indulg'd, and gave with open hand: +But now a daughter's found, their real child, +A cause is found to drive you forth. + +CLIT. 'Tis like. + +SYRUS. Think you this fault so angers him? + +CLIT. I think not. + +SYRUS. Consider too; 'tis ever found that mothers +Plead for their sons, and in the father's wrath +Defend them. 'Tis not so at present. + +CLIT. True. +What shall I do then, Syrus? + +SYRUS. Ask of them +The truth of this suspicion. Speak your thoughts. +If 'tis not so, you'll speedily incline them +Both to compassion; or, if so, be told +Whose son you are. + +CLIT. Your counsel's good. I'll do't. + + [Changes: + + _Manent CLITIPHO, SYRUS._ + _names supplied from 1768 edition_] + + +SCENE V. + + _SYRUS alone._ + +A lucky thought of mine! for Clitipho: +The less he hopes, so much more easily +Will he reduce his father to good terms. +Besides, who knows but he may take a wife? +No thanks to Syrus neither.--But who's here? +Chremes!--I'm off: for seeing what has pass'd, +I wonder that he did not order me +To be truss'd up immediately. I'll hence +To Menedemus, and prevail on him +To intercede for me: as matters stand, +I dare not trust to our old gentleman. (_Exit SYRUS._ + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter CHREMES, SOSTRATA._ + +SOSTRA. Nay indeed, husband, if you don't take care, +You'll bring some kind of mischief on your son: +I can't imagine how a thought so idle +Could come into your head. + +CHREM. Still, woman, still +D'ye contradict me? Did I ever wish +For any thing in all my life, but you +In that same thing oppos'd me, Sostrata? +Yet now if I should ask wherein I'm wrong, +Or wherefore I act thus, you do not know. +Why then d'ye contradict me, simpleton? + +SOSTRA. Not know? + +CHREM. Well, well, you know: I grant it, rather +Than hear your idle story o'er again. + +SOSTRA. Ah, 'tis unjust in you to ask my silence +In such a thing as this. + +CHREM. I do not ask it. +Speak if you will: I'll do it ne'ertheless. + +SOSTRA. Will you? + +CHREM. I will. + +SOSTRA. You don't perceive what harm +May come of this. He thinks himself a foundling. + +CHREM. A foundling, say you? + +SOSTRA. Yes indeed, he does. + +CHREM. Confess it to be true. + +SOSTRA. Ah, Heav'n forbid! +Let our most bitter enemies do that! +Shall I disown my son, my own dear child! + +CHREM. What! do you fear you can not at your pleasure +Produce convincing proofs that he's your own? + +SOSTRA. Is it because my daughter's found you say this? + +CHREM. No: but because, a stronger reason far, +His manners so resemble yours, you may +Easily prove him thence to be your son. +He is quite like you: not a vice, whereof +He is inheritor, but dwells in you: +And such a son no mother but yourself +Could have engender'd.--But he comes.--How grave! +Look in his face, and you may guess his plight. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + His manners so resemble yours, you may + Easily prove him thence to be your son. + _Colman 1768_ + His manners are so very like your own, + They are convincing proofs that he's your son] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Enter CLITIPHO._ + +CLIT. Oh mother, if there ever was a time +When you took pleasure in me, or delight +To call me son, beseech you, think of that; +Pity my present misery, and tell me +Who are my real parents! + +SOSTRA. My dear son, +Take not, I beg, that notion to your mind, +That you're an alien to our blood. + +CLIT. I am. + +SOSTRA. Ah me! and can you then demand me that? +So may you prosper after both, as you're +Of both the child! and if you love your mother, +Take heed henceforward that I never hear +Such words from you. + +CHREM. And if you fear your father, +See that I never find such vices in you. + +CLIT. What vices? + +CHREM. What? I'll tell you. Trifler, idler, +Cheat, drunkard, whoremaster, and prodigal. +--Think this, and think that you are ours. + +SOSTRA. These words +Suit not a father. + +CHREM. No, no, Clitipho, +Though from my brain you had been born, as Pallas +Sprang, it is said, from Jupiter, I would not +Bear the disgrace of your enormities. + +SOSTRA. The Gods forbid---- + +CHREM. I know not for the Gods: +I will do all that lies in me. You seek +For parents, which you have: but what is wanting, +Obedience to your father, and the means +To keep what he by labor hath acquir'd, +For that you seek not.--Did you not by tricks +Ev'n to my presence introduce----I blush +To speak immodestly before your mother: +But you by no means blush'd to do't. + +CLIT. Alas! +How hateful am I to myself! how much +Am I asham'd! so lost, I can not tell +How to attempt to pacify my father. + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Enter MENEDEMUS._ + +MENE. Now in good faith our Chremes plagues his son +Too long and too severely. I come forth +To reconcile him, and make peace between them. +And there they are! + +CHREM. Ha, Menedemus! wherefore +Is not my daughter summon'd? and the portion, +I settled on her; ratified by you? + +SOSTRA. Dear husband, I beseech you not to do it! + +CLIT. My father, I entreat you pardon me! + +MENE. Forgive him, Chremes! let his pray'rs prevail! + +CHREM. What! shall I then with open eyes bestow +My whole estate on Bacchis? I'll not do't. + +MENE. We will prevent that. It shall not be so. + +CLIT. If you regard my life, forgive me, father! + +SOSTRA. Do, my dear Chremes! + +MENE. Do, I prithee now! +Be not obdurate, Chremes! + +CHREM. Why is this? +I see I can't proceed as I've begun. + +MENE. 'Tis as it should be now. + +CHREM. On this condition, +That he agrees to do what I think fit. + +CLIT. I will do ev'ry thing. Command me, father! + +CHREM. Take a wife. + +CLIT. Father! + +CHREM. Nay, Sir, no denial! + +MENE. I take that charge upon me. He shall do't. + +CHREM. But I don't hear a word of it from him. + +CLIT. Confusion! + +SOSTRA. Do you doubt then, Clitipho? + +CHREM. Nay, which he pleases. + +MENE. He'll obey in all; +Whate'er you'd have him. + +SOSTRA. This at first is grievous, +While you don't know it; when you know it, easy. + +CLIT. I'm all obedience, father! + +SOSTRA. Oh my son, +I'll give you a sweet wife, that you'll adore, +Phanocrata's, our neighbor's daughter. + +CLIT. Her! +That red-hair'd, blear-eyed, wide-mouth'd, hook-nos'd wench? +I can not, father. + +CHREM. Oh, how nice he is! +Would any one imagine it? + +SOSTRA. I'll get you +Another then. + +CLIT. Well, well; since I must marry, +I know one pretty near my mind. + +SOSTRA. Good boy! + +CLIT. The daughter of Archonides, our neighbor. + +SOSTRA. Well chosen! + +CLIT. One thing, father, still remains. + +CHREM. What? + +CLIT. That you'd grant poor Syrus a full pardon +For all that he hath done on my account. + +CHREM. Be it so.-- (_To the Audience._) Farewell Sirs, and clap your + hands! + + + * * * * * + * * * * + + +THE BROTHERS. + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + PROLOGUE. + DEMEA. + MICIO. + AESCHINUS. + CTESIPHO. + HEGIO. + SANNIO. + GETA. + SYRUS. + GETA. + DROMO. + PARMENO, _other Servants, etc._ + + SOSTRATA. + CANTHARA. + MUSIC-GIRL, _and other Mutes._ + +SCENE, ATHENS. + + + + +PROLOGUE. + + The Bard perceiving his piece cavil'd at +By partial critics, and his adversaries +Misrepresenting what we're now to play, +Pleads his own cause: and you shall be the judges, +Whether he merits praise or condemnation. + The _Synapothnescontes_ is a piece +By Diphilus, a comedy which Plautus, +Having translated, call'd COMMORIENTES. +In the beginning of the Grecian play +There is a youth, who rends a girl perforce +From a procurer: and this incident, +Untouch'd by Plautus, render'd word for word, +Has our bard interwoven with his _Brothers_; +The new piece which we represent to-day. +Say then if this be theft, or honest use +Of what remain'd unoccupied.--For that +Which malice tells, that certain noble persons +Assist the Bard, and write in concert with him; +That which they deem a heavy slander, He +Esteems his greatest praise: that he can please +Those who please you, who all the people please; +Those who in war, in peace, in counsel, ever +Have render'd you the dearest services, +And ever borne their faculties so meekly. + Expect not now the story of the play: +Part the old men, who first appear, will open; +Part will in act be shown.--Be favorable; +And let your candor to the poet now +Increase his future earnestness to write! + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter MICIO._ + + Ho, Storax!--AEschinus did not return +Last night from supper; no, nor any one +Of all the slaves who went to see for him. +--'Tis commonly--and oh how truly!--said, +If you are absent, or delay, 'twere best +That should befall you, which your wife denounces, +Or which in anger she calls down upon you, +Than that which kindest parents fear.--Your wife, +If you delay, or thinks that you're in love, +Or lov'd, or drink, or entertain yourself, +Taking your pleasure, while she pines at home. +--And what a world of fears possess me now! +How anxious that my son is not return'd; +Lest he take cold, or fall, or break a limb! +--Gods, that a man should suffer any one +To wind himself so close about his heart, +As to grow dearer to him than himself! +And yet he is not my son, but my brother's, +Whose bent of mind is wholly different. +I, from youth upward even to this day, +Have led a quiet and serene town-life; +And, as some reckon fortunate, ne'er married. +He, in all points the opposite of this, +Has pass'd his days entirely in the country +With thrift and labor; married; had two sons; +The elder boy is by adoption mine; +I've brought him up; kept; lov'd him as my own; +Made him my joy, and all my soul holds dear, +Striving to make myself as dear to him. +I give, o'erlook, nor think it requisite +That all his deeds should be controll'd by me, +Giving him scope to act as of himself; +So that the pranks of youth, which other children +Hide from their fathers, I have us'd my son +Not to conceal from me. For whosoe'er +Hath won upon himself to play the false one, +And practice impositions on a father, +Will do the same with less remorse to others; +And 'tis, in my opinion, better far +To bind your children to you by the ties +Of gentleness and modesty, than fear. +And yet my brother don't accord in this, +Nor do these notions nor this conduct please him. +Oft he comes open-mouth'd--"Why how now, Micio? +Why do you ruin this young lad of ours? +Why does he wench? why drink? and why do you +Allow him money to afford all this? +You let him dress too fine. 'Tis idle in you." +--'Tis hard in him, unjust and out of reason. +And he, I think, deceives himself indeed, +Who fancies that authority more firm +Founded on force, than what is built on friendship; +For thus I reason, thus persuade myself: +He who performs his duty driven to't +By fear of punishment, while he believes +His actions are observ'd, so long he's wary; +But if he hopes for secrecy, returns +To his own ways again: But he whom kindness, +Him also inclination makes your own: +He burns to make a due return, and acts, +Present or absent, evermore the same. +'Tis this then is the duty of a father, +To make a son embrace a life of virtue, +Rather from choice than terror or constraint. +Here lies the mighty difference between +A father and a master. He who knows not +How to do this, let him confess he knows not +How to rule children.--But is this the man +Whom I was speaking of? Yes, yes, 'tis he. +He seems uneasy too, I know not why, +And I suppose, as usual, comes to wrangle. + + [Changes: + + _quotation marks at mid-speech supplied from 1768 edition_ + + _Harper_ + [beginning of speech, through line + --Gods, that a man ...] + _Colman 1768_ + Ho, Storax!--No reply?--Then Aeschinus + Never return'd, it seems, last night from supper; + Nor any of the slaves, who went to meet him. + --'Tis commonly--and oh how truly!--said, + If you are absent, or delay, 'twere best + That should befall you, which your wife declares + Or which in anger she supposes of you + Than that which kindest parents fear.--Your wife, + If you delay, suspects that you're engag'd + In some intrigue, debauch, or entertainment; + Consulting your own happiness abroad, + While she, poor soul! is left to pine at home. + But what a world of fears possess me now! + How many ills I figure to myself, + As causes that my son is not return'd! + Lest he have taken cold, or had a fall, + Or broke a limb!--Good heavens! that a man + Shou'd doat so much, or suffer any one] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter DEMEA._ + +MICIO. Demea, I'm glad to see you well. + +DEMEA. Oho! +Well met: the very man I came to seek. + +MICIO. But you appear uneasy: What's the matter? + +DEMEA. Is it a question, when there's AEschinus +To trouble us, what makes me so uneasy? + +MICIO. I said it would be so.--What has he done? + +DEMEA. What has he done? a wretch, whom neither ties +Of shame, nor fear, nor any law can bind! +For not to speak of all his former pranks, +What has he been about but even now! + +MICIO. What has he done? + +DEMEA. Burst open doors, and forc'd +His way into another's house, and beat +The master and his family half dead; +And carried off a wench whom he was fond of. +The whole town cries out shame upon him, Micio. +I have been told of it a hundred times +Since my arrival. 'Tis the common talk.---- +And if we needs must draw comparisons, +Does not he see his brother thrifty, sober, +Attentive to his business in the country? +Not given to these practices; and when +I say all this to him, to you I say it. +You are his ruin, Micio. + +MICIO. How unjust +Is he who wants experience! who believes +Nothing is right but what he does himself! + +DEMEA. Why d'ye say that? + +MICIO. Because you, Demea, +Judge wrongly of these matters. 'Tis no crime +For a young man to wench or drink.--'Tis not, +Believe me!--nor to force doors open.--This, +If neither you nor I have done, it was +That poverty allow'd us not. And now +You claim a merit to yourself, from that +Which want constrain'd you to. It is not fair. +For had there been but wherewithal to do't, +We likewise should have done thus. Wherefore you, +Were you a man, would let your younger son, +Now, while it suits his age, pursue his pleasures; +Rather than, when it less becomes his years, +When, after wishing long, he shall at last +Be rid of you, he should run riot then. + +DEMEA. Oh Jupiter! the man will drive me mad. +Is it no crime, d'ye say, for a young man +To take these courses? + +MICIO. Nay, nay; do but hear me, +Nor stun me with the self-same thing forever! +Your elder son you gave me for adoption: +He's mine, then, Demea; and if he offends, +'Tis an offense to me, and I must bear +The burden. Does he treat? or drink? or dress? +'Tis at my cost.--Or wench? I will supply him, +While 'tis convenient to me; when 'tis not, +His mistresses perhaps will shut him out. +--Has he broke open doors? we'll make them good. +Or torn a coat? it shall be mended. I, +Thank Heaven, have enough to do all this, +And 'tis as yet not irksome.--In a word, +Or cease, or choose some arbiter between us: +I'll prove that you are more in fault than I. + +DEMEA. Ah, learn to be a father; learn from those +Who know what 'tis to be indeed a parent! + +MICIO. By nature you're his father, I by counsel. + +DEMEA. You! do you counsel any thing? + +MICIO. Nay, nay; +If you persist, I'm gone. + +DEMEA. Is't thus you treat me? + +MICIO. Must I still hear the same thing o'er and o'er? + +DEMEA. It touches me. + +MICIO. And me it touches too. +But, Demea, let us each look to our own; +Let me take care of one, and mind you t'other. +For to concern yourself with both, appears +As if you'd redemand the boy you gave. + +DEMEA. Ah, Micio! + +MICIO. So it seems to me. + +DEMEA. Well, well; +Let him, if 'tis your pleasure, waste, destroy. +And squander; it is no concern of mine. +If henceforth I e'er say one word---- + +MICIO. Again? +Angry again, good Demea? + +DEMEA. You may trust me. +Do I demand him back again I gave you? +--It hurts me. I am not a stranger to him. +--But if I once oppose--Well, well, I've done. +You wish I should take care of one. I do +Take special care of him; and he, thank Heav'n, +Is as I wish he _should_ be: which your ward, +I warrant, shall find out one time or other. +I will not say aught worse of him at present. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + DEMEA. Is it a question, when there's AEschinus + To trouble us, what makes me so uneasy? + MICIO. I said it would be so.--What has he done? + DEMEA. What has he done? a wretch, whom neither ties + Of shame, nor fear, nor any law can bind! + For not to speak of all his former pranks, + What has he been about but even now! + MICIO. What has he done? + DEMEA. Burst open doors, and forc'd + His way into another's house, and beat + The master and his family half dead; + And carried off a wench whom he was fond of. + The whole town cries out shame upon him, Micio. + I have been told of it a hundred times + Since my arrival. 'Tis the common talk.---- + _Colman 1768_ + DEMEA. Uneasy? well I may.--The matter, say you? + What can the matter be but AEschinus? + MICIO. I said it would be so.--What has he done? + DEMEA. What has he done! a wretch whom neither fear, + Nor modesty, nor any law can bind! + For not to speak of all his former pranks, + What has he been about but even now! + MICIO. What has he done? + DEMEA. Burst open doors, and made + His way by force into another's house; + Half-kill'd the master and his family, + And carried off a wench whom he was fond of. + All Athens cries out shame upon him for it. + I have been told of it a hundred times + Since my arrival. 'Tis the town-talk, Micio. + + _Harper_ + Judge wrongly of these matters. 'Tis no crime + _Colman 1768_ + Misjudge these matters. 'Tis no heinous crime + + _Harper_ + Or cease, or choose some arbiter between us + _Colman 1768_ + Have done, or chuse some arbiter between us + + _Harper_ + MICIO. Must I still hear the same thing o'er and o'er? + _Colman 1768_ + MICIO. Must I be plagued with the same thing so often?] + + +SCENE III. + + _MICIO alone._ + +Though what he says be not entirely true, +There's something in it, and it touches me. +But I dissembled my concern with him, +Because the nature of the man is such, +To pacify, I must oppose and thwart him; +And even thus I scarce can teach him patience. +But were I to inflame, or aid his anger, +I were as great a madman as himself. +Yet AEschinus, 'tis true, has been to blame. +What wench is there he has not lov'd? to whom +He has not made some present--And but lately +(Tir'd, I suppose, and sick of wantonness) +He told me he propos'd to take a wife. +I hop'd the heyday of the blood was over, +And was rejoic'd: but his intemperance +Breaks out afresh.--Well, be it what it may, +I'll find him out; and know it instantly, +If he is to be met with at the Forum. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + What wench is there he has not lov'd? to whom + He has not made some present--And but lately + _Colman 1768_ + What wench is there but he is her gallant? + Or tempts her with some gift?--But lately too] + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter AESCHINUS, SANNIO, PARMENO, the _Music-Girl_, and a crowd of + People._ + +SAN. Help, help, dear countrymen, for Heaven's sake! +Assist a miserable, harmless man! +Help the distress'd! + +AESCH. (_to the Girl_). Fear nothing: stand just there! +Why d'ye look back? you're in no danger. Never, +While I am by, shall he lay hands upon you. + +SAN. Aye, but I will, in spite of all the world. + +AESCH. Rogue as he is, he'll scarce do any thing +To make me cudgel him again to-day. + +SAN. One word, Sir AEschinus! that you may not +Pretend to ignorance of my profession; +I'm a procurer. + +AESCH. True. + +SAN. And in my way +Of as good faith as any man alive. +Hereafter, to absolve yourself, you'll cry, +That you repent of having wrong'd me thus. +I sha'n't care _that_ for your excuse. (_Snapping his fingers._) Be sure +I'll prosecute my right; nor shall fine words +Atone for evil deeds. I know your way, +--"I'm sorry that I did it: and I'll swear +You are unworthy of this injury"---- +Though all the while I'm us'd most scurvily. + +AESCH. (_to PAR._) Do you go forward, Parmeno, and throw +The door wide open. + +SAN. That sha'n't signify. + +AESCH. (_to PARMENO_). Now in with her! + +SAN. (_stepping between_). I'll not allow it. + +AESCH. (_to PARMENO_). Here! +Come hither, Parmeno!--you're too far off.---- +Stand close to that pimp's side--There--there--just there! +And now be sure you always keep your eyes +Steadfastly fix'd on mine; and when I wink, +To drive your fist directly in his face. + +SAN. Aye, if he dare. + +AESCH. (_to PARMENO_). Now mind!-- (_To SANNIO_). Let go the girl + (_SANNIO still struggling with the Girl, AESCHINUS winks, and + PARMENO strikes SANNIO_). + +SAN. Oh monstrous! + +AESCH. He shall double it, unless +You mend your manners. +(_PARMENO strikes SANNIO again._) + +SAN. Help, help: murder, murder! + +AESCH. (_to PARMENO_). I did not wink: but you had better err +That way than t'other.--Now go in with her. + (_PARMENO leads the Girl into MICIO'S house._) + +SAN. How's this?--Do you reign king here, AEschinus? + +AESCH. Did I reign king, you should be recompens'd +According to your virtues, I assure you. + +SAN. What business have you with me? + +AESCH. None. + +SAN. D'ye know +Who I am, AEschinus? + +AESCH. Nor want to know. + +SAN. Have I touch'd aught of yours, Sir? + +AESCH. If you had, +You should have suffer'd for't. + +SAN. What greater right +Have you to take away my slave, for whom +I paid my money? answer me! + +AESCH. 'Twere best +You'd leave off bellowing before our door: +If you continue to be troublesome, +I'll have you dragg'd into the house, and there +Lash'd without mercy. + +SAN. How, a freeman lash'd! + +AESCH. Ev'n so. + +SAN. O monstrous tyranny! Is this, +Is this the liberty they boast of here, +Common to all? + +AESCH. If you have brawl'd enough, +Please to indulge me with one word, you pimp. + +SAN. Who has brawl'd most, yourself or I? + +AESCH. Well, well! +No more of that, but to the point! + +SAN. What point? +What would you have? + +AESCH. Will you allow me then +To speak of what concerns you? + +SAN. Willingly: +Speak, but in justice. + +AESCH. Very fine! a pimp, +And talks of justice! + +SAN. Well, I am a pimp; +The common bane of youth, a perjurer, +A public nuisance, I confess it: yet +I never did you wrong. + +AESCH. No, that's to come. + +SAN. Prithee return to whence you first set out, Sir! + +AESCH. You, plague upon you for it! bought the girl +For twenty minae; which sum we will give you. + +SAN. What if I do not choose to sell the girl? +Will you oblige me? + +AESCH. No. + +SAN. I fear'd you would. + +AESCH. She's a free-woman, and should _not_ be sold, +And, as such, by due course of law I claim her. +Now then consider which you like the best, +To take the money, or maintain your action. +Think on this, Pimp, till I come back again. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE II. + + _SANNIO alone._ + +Oh Jupiter! I do not wonder now +That men run mad with injuries. He drags me +Out of my own house; cudgels me most soundly; +And carries off my slave against my will: +And after this ill-treatment, he demands +The Music-Girl to be made over to him +At the same price I bought her.--He has pour'd +His blows upon me, thick as hail; for which, +Since he deserves so nobly at my hands, +He should no doubt be gratified.--Nay, nay, +Let me but touch the cash, I'm still content. +But this I guess will be the case: as soon +As I shall have agreed to take his price, +He'll produce witnesses immediately, +To prove that I have sold her--And the money +Will be mere moonshine.--"By-and-by."--"To-morrow." +--Yet I could bear that too, although much wrong, +Might I but get the money after all: +For thus it is, friend Sannio; when a man +Has taken up this trade, he must receive, +And pocket the affronts of young gallants. +--But nobody will pay me, and I draw +Conclusions to no purpose. + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter SYRUS._ + +SYRUS (_to AESCH. within_). Say no more! +Let me alone to talk with him! I warrant +I'll make him take the money; aye, and own +That he's well treated too. (_Coming forward._) + Why how now, Sannio? +What's the dispute I overheard just now +'Twixt you and my young master? + +SAN. Never was +Any dispute conducted more unfairly, +Than that between us two to-day! Poor I +With being drubb'd, and he with drubbing me, +'Till we were both quite weary. + +SYRUS. All your fault. + +SAN. What could I do? + +SYRUS. Give a young man his way. + +SAN. What could I give him more, who gave my face? + +SYRUS. Nay, but d'ye know my meaning, Sannio? +To seem upon occasion to slight money, +Proves in the end, sometimes, the greatest gain. +Why prithee, blockhead, could you be afraid, +Had you abated somewhat of your right, +And humor'd the young gentleman, he would not +Have paid you back again with interest? + +SAN. I never purchase hope with ready money. + +SYRUS. Away! you'll never thrive. You do not know +How to ensnare men, Sannio. + +SAN. Well, perhaps, +Your way were best: yet I was ne'er so crafty +But I had rather, when 'twas in my power, +Receive prompt payment. + +SYRUS. Pshaw! I know your spirit: +As if you valued twenty minae now, +So you might do a kindness to my master! +--Besides, they say you're setting out for Cyprus. (_Carelessly._) + +SAN. Ha! (_Alarmed._) + +SYRUS. --And have bought up a large stock of goods +To carry over thither.--Hir'd a vessel. +That 'tis, I know, which keeps you in suspense: +When you return, I hope, you'll settle this. + +SAN. I shall not budge a foot.--Undone by Heav'n! +Urg'd by these hopes they've undertaken this. (_Aside._) + +SYRUS. He fears. I've thrown a small rub in his way. (_Aside._) + +SAN. (_to himself._) Confusion! they have nick'd me to a hair! +I've bought up sev'ral slaves, and other wares, +For exportation; and to miss my time +At Cyprus-fair would be a heavy loss. +Then if I leave this business broken thus, +All's over with me; and at my return +'Twill come to nothing, grown quite cold and stale. +"--What! come at last?--Why did you stay so long? +Where have you been?"--that it were better lose it, +Than wait for it so long, or sue for't then. + +SYRUS (_coming up to him._) Well, have you calculated what's your due? + +SAN. Monstrous oppression! Is this honorable, +Or just in AEschinus, to take away +My property by force? + +SYRUS. So, so! he comes. (_Aside._) +--I have but one word more to say to you. +See how you like it.--Rather, Sannio, +Than run the risk to get or lose the whole, +E'en halve the matter: and he shall contrive +To scrape together by some means ten minae. + +SAN. Alas, alas! am I in danger then +Of losing ev'n my very principal? +Shame on him! he has loosen'd all my teeth: +My head is swell'd all over like a mushroom: +And will he cheat me too?--I'm going nowhere. + +SYRUS. Just as you please.--Have you aught else to say +Before I go? + +SAN. Yes, one word, prithee Syrus! +However things have happen'd, rather than +I should be driven to commence a suit, +Let him return me my bare due at least; +The sum she cost me, Syrus.--I'm convinc'd +You've had no tokens of my friendship yet; +But you shall find I will not be ungrateful. + +SYRUS. I'll do my best. But I see Ctesipho. +He is rejoic'd about his mistress. + +SAN. Say, +Will you remember me? + +SYRUS. Hold, hold a little! (_SYRUS and SANNIO retire._) + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. He fears. I've thrown a small rub in his way. + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. He fears. I hinted Cyprus. There's the rub.] + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter CTESIPHO at another part of the stage._ + +CTES. Favors are welcome in the hour of need +From any hand; but doubly welcome when +Conferr'd by those from whom we most expect them. +O brother, brother, how shall I applaud thee? +Ne'er can I rise to such a height of praise +But your deservings will outtop me still: +For in this point I am supremely bless'd, +That none can boast so excellent a brother, +So rich in all good qualities, as I. + +SYRUS (_coming forward_). O Ctesipho! + +CTES. (_turning round_). O Syrus! where's my brother? + +SYRUS. At home, where he expects you. + +CTES. Ha! (_Joyfully._) + +SYRUS. What now! + +CTES. What now?--By his assistance I live, Syrus. +Ah, he's a friend indeed! who disregarding +All his own interests for my advantage, +The scandal, infamy, intrigue, and blame, +All due to me, has drawn upon himself! +What could exceed it?--But who's there?--The door +Creaks on the hinges. (_Offering to go off._) + +SYRUS. Hold! 'tis AEschinus. + + +SCENE V. + + _Enter AESCHINUS._ + +AESCH. Where is that rascal? + +SAN. (_behind._) He inquires for me. +Has he brought out the cash with him?--Confusion! +I see none. + +AESCH. (_to CTESIPHO_). Ha! well met: I long'd to see you +How is it, Ctesipho? All's safe. Away +With melancholy! + +CTES. Melancholy! I +Be melancholy, who have such a brother? +Oh my dear AEschinus! thou best of brothers, +--Ah, I'm asham'd to praise you to your face, +Lest it appear to come from flattery, +Rather than gratitude. + +AESCH. Away, you fool! +As if we did not know each other, Ctesipho. +It only grieves me, we so lately knew this, +When things were almost come to such a pass, +That all the world, had they desir'd to do it, +Could not assist you. + +CTES. 'Twas my modesty. + +AESCH. Pshaw! it was folly, and not modesty. +For such a trifle, almost fly your country? +Heaven forbid it!--fie, fie, Ctesipho! + +CTES. I've been to blame. + +AESCH. Well, what says Sannio? + +SYRUS. He's pacified at last. + +AESCH. I'll to the Forum, +And pay him off.--You, Ctesipho, go in +To the poor girl. + +SAN. Now urge the matter, Syrus! (_Apart to SYRUS._) + +SYRUS. Let's go; for Sannio wants to be at Cyprus. + +SAN. Not in such haste: though truly I have no cause +To loiter here. + +SYRUS. You shall be paid: ne'er fear! + +SAN. But all? + +SYRUS. Yes, all: so hold your tongue, and follow! + +SAN. I will. (_Exit after AESCHINUS--SYRUS going._ + +CTES. Hist! hark ye, Syrus! + +SYRUS (_turning back._) Well, what now? + +CTES. For Heaven's sake discharge that scurvy fellow +Immediately; for fear, if further urg'd, +This tale should reach my father's ears: and then +I am undone forever. + +SYRUS. It sha'n't be. +Be of good courage! meanwhile, get you in, +And entertain yourself with her; and order +The couches to be spread, and all prepar'd. +For, these preliminaries once dispatch'd, +I shall march homeward with provisions. + +CTES. Do! +And since this business has turn'd out so well, +Let's spend the day in mirth and jollity! +(_Exeunt severally._ + + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + SAN. Not in such haste: though truly I have no cause + To loiter here. + _Colman 1768_ + SAN. Not in such haste: though truly I've no cause + To loiter here.] + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + + _SOSTRATA, CANTHARA._ + +SOS. Prithee, good nurse, how will it go with her? + +CAN. How go with her? Why well, I warrant you. + +SOS. Her pains begin to come upon her, nurse. + +CAN. You're as much frighten'd at your time of day, +As if you ne'er was present at a labor, +Or never had been brought to bed yourself. + +SOS. Alas, I've no soul here: we're all alone. +Geta is absent; nor is there a creature +To fetch a midwife, or call AEschinus. + +CAN. He'll be here presently, I promise you: +For he, good man, ne'er lets a single day +Go by, but he is sure to visit us. + +SOS. He is my only comfort in my sorrows. + +CAN. Troth, as the case stands, madam, circumstances +Could not have happen'd better than they have: +And since your daughter suffer'd violence, +'Twas well she met with such a man as this; +A man of honor, rank, and family. + +SOS. He is, indeed, a worthy gentleman: +The gods preserve him to us! + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter GETA hastily at another part of the stage._ + +GETA. We are now +So absolutely lost, that all the world +Joining in consultation to apply +Relief to the misfortune that has fallen +On me, my mistress, and her daughter, all +Would not avail.--Ah me! so many troubles +Environ us at once, we sink beneath them. +Rape, poverty, oppression, solitude, +And infamy! oh, what an age is this! +O wicked, oh vile race!--oh impious man! + +SOS. (_to CANTHARA_). Ah, why should Geta seem thus terrified +And agitated? + +GETA (_to himself._) Wretch! whom neither honor, +Nor oaths, nor pity could control or move! +Nor her approaching labor; her, on whom +He shamefully committed violation! + +SOS. I don't well understand him. + +CAN. Prithee then +Let us draw nearer, Sostrata! + +GETA (_to himself._) Alas, +I'm scarcely in my perfect mind, I burn +With such fierce anger.--Oh, that I had all +That villain-family before me now, +That I might vent my indignation on them, +While yet it boils within me.--There is nothing +I'd not endure to be reveng'd on them. +First I'd tread out the stinking snuff his father, +Who gave the monster being.--And then, Syrus, +Who urg'd him to it,--how I'd tear him!--First +I'd seize him round the waist, and lift him high, +Then dash his head against the ground, and strew +The pavement with his brains.--For AEschinus, +I'd tear his eyes out, and then tumble him, +Head foremost down some precipice.--The rest +I'd rush on, drag, crush, trample under foot. +But why do I delay to tell my mistress +This heavy news as soon as possible! (_Going._) + +SOS. Let's call him back.--Ho, Geta! + +GETA. Whosoe'er +You are, excuse me. + +SOS. I am Sostrata. + +GETA. Where, where is Sostrata? (_Turns about._) I sought you, Madam; +Impatiently I sought you: and am glad +To have encounter'd you thus readily. + +SOS. What is the matter? why d'ye tremble thus? + +GETA. Alas! + +SOS. Take breath!--But why thus mov'd, good Geta? + +GETA. We're quite---- + +SOS. Quite what? + +GETA. Undone: We're ruin'd, Madam. + +SOS. Explain, for Heaven's sake! + +GETA. Ev'n now---- + +SOS. What now? + +GETA. AEschinus---- + +SOS. What of AEschinus? + +GETA. Has quite +Estrang'd himself from all our family. + +SOS. How's that? confusion! why? + +GETA. He loves another. + +SOS. Wretch that I am! + +GETA. Nor that clandestinely; +But snatch'd her in the face of all the world +From a procurer. + +SOS. Are you sure of this? + +GETA. Sure? With these very eyes I saw it, Madam. + +SOS. Alas, alas! What then can we believe? +To whom give credit?--What? our AEschinus! +Our very life, our sole support and hope! +Who swore he could not live one day without her, +And promis'd he would place the new-born babe +Upon his father's lap, and in that way +Wring from him his consent to marry her! + +GETA. Nay, weep not, mistress; but consider rather +What course were best to follow: to conceal +This wrong, or to disclose it to some friend? + +CAN. Disclose it! Are you mad? Is this a thing +To be disclos'd, d'ye think? + +GETA. I'd not advise it. +For first, that he has quite abandon'd us, +The thing itself declares. If we then make +The story known, no doubt but he'll deny it. +Your reputation, and your daughter's life +Will be endanger'd: or if he confess, +Since he affects another, 'twere not good +That he should wed your daughter.--For which reasons, +Silence is requisite. + +SOS. Ah, no: not I. + +GETA. What mean you? + +SOS. To disclose the whole. + +GETA. How, Madam! +Think what you are about. + +SOS. Whatever happens, +The thing can't be in a worse state than now. +In the first place my daughter has no portion, +And that which should have been her second dowry +Is also lost; and she can ne'er be giv'n +In marriage as a virgin. For the rest, +If he denies his former commerce with her, +I have the ring he lost to vouch the fact. +In short, since I am conscious to myself. +That I am not to blame in this proceeding, +And that no sordid love of gain, nor aught +Unworthy of my daughter or myself, +Has mix'd in this affair, I'll try it, Geta. + +GETA. Well, I agree, 'twere better to disclose it. + +SOS. You then away, as fast as possible, +And run to Hegio our good friend and kinsman, +To let him know the whole affair: for he +Was the chief friend of my dear Simulus, +And ever show'd a great regard for us. + +GETA. And well he does, for no one else cares for us. + +SOS. And you, good Canthara, away with haste, +And call a midwife; that we may be sure +Of her assistance in the time of need. (_Exeunt severally._ + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter DEMEA._ + +DEM. Confusion! I have heard that Ctesipho +Was present with his brother at this riot. +This is the sum of all my miseries, +If he, even he, a sober, hopeful lad, +May be seduc'd into debaucheries. +--But where shall I inquire for him? I warrant +They have decoy'd him into some vile brothel. +That profligate persuaded him, I'm sure. +--But here comes Syrus; he can tell me all. +And yet this slave is of the gang; and if +He once perceives that I'm inquiring for him, +He'll never tell me any thing; a rogue! +I'll not discover my design. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + [end of speech, from line + --But here comes Syrus ...] + _Colman 1768_ + --But here comes Syrus.--I shall know from him + What is become of Ctesipho.--And yet + This rascal's of the gang; and if he once + Perceives that I'm enquiring after him, + He'll never tell, a villain!--I'll take care + To cover my design.] + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter SYRUS at another part of the stage._ + +SYRUS (_to himself_). We've just +Disclos'd the whole of this affair to Micio, +Exactly as it happen'd. I ne'er saw +The good old gentleman more pleas'd. + +DEM. Oh Heav'n, +The folly of the man! (_Listening._) + +SYRUS (_to himself_). He prais'd his son; +Me, who concerted the whole scheme, he thank'd. + +DEM. I burst with rage. (_Listening._) + +SYRUS (_to himself_). He told the money down +Immediately, and threw us in beside, +To make an entertainment, a half-mina: +Which I've laid out according to my liking. + +DEM. So! if you'd have your business well ta'en care of, +Commit it to this fellow! + +SYRUS (_overhearing_). Who's there? Demea! +I did not see you, Sir. How goes it? + +DEM. How? +I can't sufficiently admire your conduct. + +SYRUS (_negligently_). Silly enough, to say the truth, and idle. +(_To servants within_). Cleanse you the rest of those fish, Dromo: let +That large eel play a little in the water. +When I return it shall be bon'd; till then +It must not be. + +DEM. Are crimes like these---- + +SYRUS (_to DEMEA_). Indeed +I like them not, and oft cry shame upon them. +--(_To servants within._) See that those salt fish are well soak'd, + Stephanio. + +DEM. Gods! is this done on purpose? Does he think +'Tis laudable to spoil his son? Alas! +I think I see the day when AEschinus +Shall fly for want, and list himself a soldier. + +SYRUS. O Demea! that is to be wise: to see, +Not that alone which lies before your feet, +But ev'n to pry into futurity. + +DEM. What! is the Music-Girl at your house? + +SYRUS. Aye, +Madam's within. + +DEM. What! and is AEschinus +To keep her at home with him? + +SYRUS. I believe so; +Such is their madness. + +DEM. Is it possible? + +SYRUS. A fond and foolish father! + +DEM. I'm asham'd +To own my brother; I'm griev'd for him. + +SYRUS. Ah! +There is a deal of diff'rence, Demea, +--Nor is't because you're present that I say this---- +There is a mighty difference between you! +You are, from top to toe, all over wisdom: +He a mere dotard.--Would you e'er permit +Your boy to do such things? + +DEM. Permit him? I? +Or should I not much rather smell him out +Six months before he did but dream of it? + +SYRUS. Pshaw! do you boast your vigilance to me? + +DEM. Heav'n keep him ever as he is at present! + +SYRUS. As fathers form their children, so they prove. + +DEM. But now we're speaking of him, have you seen +The lad to-day? (_With an affected carelessness._) + +SYRUS. Your son d'ye mean?--I'll drive him +Into the country. (_Aside._)--He is hard at work +Upon your grounds by this time. (_To DEMEA._) + +DEM. Are you sure on't? + +SYRUS. Sure? I set out with him myself. + +DEM. Good! good! +I was afraid he loiter'd here. (_Aside._) + +SYRUS. And much +Enrag'd, I promise you. + +DEM. On what account? + +SYRUS. A quarrel with his brother at the Forum, +About the Music-Girl. + +DEM. Indeed? + +SYRUS. Aye, faith: +He did not mince the matter: he spoke out; +For as the cash was telling down, in pops, +All unexpected, Master Ctesipho: +Cries out--"Oh AEschinus, are these your courses? +Do you commit these crimes? and do you bring +Such a disgrace upon our family?" + +DEM. Oh, oh, I weep for joy. + +SYRUS. ----"You squander not +The money only, but your life, your honor." + +DEM. Heav'n bless him; he is like his ancestors. (_Weeping._) + +SYRUS. Father's own son, I warrant him. + +DEM. Oh, Syrus! +He's full of all those precepts, he! + +SYRUS. No doubt on't: +He need not go from home for good instruction. + +DEM. I spare no pains; neglect no means; I train him. +--In short, I bid him look into the lives +Of all, as in a mirror, and thence draw +From others an example for himself. +--"Do this."---- + +SYRUS. Good! + +DEM. "Fly that." + +SYRUS. Very good! + +DEM. "This deed +Is commendable." + +SYRUS. That's the thing! + +DEM. "That's reprehensible." + +SYRUS. Most excellent! + +DEM. "And then moreover----" + +SYRUS. Faith, I have not time +To give you further audience just at present, +I've got an admirable dish of fish; +And I must take good care they are not spoil'd. +For that were an offense as grievous, Demea, +In us, as 'twere in you to leave undone +The things you just now mentioned: and I try, +According to my weak abilities, +To teach my fellow-slaves the self-same way. +--"This is too salt.--This is burnt up too much. +That is not nice and cleanly.--That's well done. +Mind, and do so again."--I spare no pains, +And give them the best precepts that I can. +In short, I bid them look into the dishes, +As in a mirror, Demea, and thence learn +The duty of a cook.--This school of ours, +I own, is idle: but what can you do? +According to the man must be the lesson. +--Would you aught else with us? + +DEM. Your reformation. + +SYRUS. Do you go hence into the country? + +DEM. Straight. + +SYRUS. For what should you do here, where nobody, +However good your precepts, cares to mind them? (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. We've just + Disclos'd the whole of this affair to Micio, + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. We've just disclos'd + The whole of this affair to Micio, + + _Harper_ + DEM. So! if you'd have your business well ta'en care of, + _Colman 1768_ + DEM. So! if you'd have your business well discharg'd + + _Harper_ + Cleanse you the rest of those fish, Dromo: let + _Colman 1768_ + Here! Hark ye, Dromo! see you gut and scale + The other fish immediately: But let + + SYRUS. As fathers form their children, so they prove. + _Harper text reads "as fathers from" + + _Harper_ + DEM. But now we're speaking of him, have you seen + The lad to-day? + SYRUS. Your son d'ye mean?--I'll drive him + Into the country. --He is hard at work + Upon your grounds by this time. + DEM. Are you sure on't? + _Colman 1768_ + DEM. But, prithee, have you seen the lad to-day? + SYRUS. Your son, d'ye mean?--I'll drive him out of town. + He's hard at work upon your grounds by this time. + DEM. Ay? Are you sure he's gone into the country?] + + _Harper_ + Do you commit these crimes? and do you bring + Such a disgrace upon our family? + _Colman 1768_ + These your persuits? enormities like these? + Oh shame! oh scandal to our family! + + _Harper_ + Is commendable. + _Colman 1768_ + Is highly commendable.] + + +SCENE V. + + _DEMEA alone._ + +I then will hence, since he, on whose account +I hither came, is gone into the country. +_He_ is my only care, _He's_ my concern. +My brother, since he needs will have it so, +May look to AEschinus himself.----But who +Is coming yonder? Hegio, of our tribe? +If I see plainly, beyond doubt 'tis he. +Ah, we've been old acquaintance quite from boys; +And such men nowadays are wondrous scarce. +A citizen of ancient faith and virtue! +The commonwealth will ne'er reap harm from him. +How I rejoice to see but the remains +Of this old stock! Ah, life's a pleasure now. +I'll wait, that I may ask about his health, +And have a little conversation with him. + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter HEGIO, GETA conversing at a distance._ + +HEGIO. Good Heaven! a most unworthy action, Geta! + +GETA. Ev'n so. + +HEGIO. A deed so base +Sprung from that family?--Oh AEschinus, +I'm sure this was not acting like your father. + +DEM. (_behind._) So! he has heard about this Music-Girl, +And is affected at it, though a stranger, +While his good father truly thinks it nothing. +Oh monstrous! would that he were somewhere nigh, +And heard all this! + +HEGIO. Unless they do what's just, +They shall not carry off the matter thus. + +GETA. Our only hope is in you, Hegio. +You're our sole friend, our guardian, and our father, +The good old Simulus, on his death-bed +Bequeath'd us to your care. If you desert us, +We are undone indeed. + +HEGIO. Ah, name it not! +I will not, and with honesty, I can not. + +DEM. I'll go up to him.--Save you, Hegio! + +HEGIO. The man I look'd for.--Save you, Demea! + +DEM. Your pleasure! + +HEGIO. AEschinus, your elder son, +Adopted by your brother, has committed +A deed unworthy of an honest man, +And of a gentleman. + +DEM. How so? + +HEGIO. You knew +Our friend and good acquaintance, Simulus? + +DEM. Aye, sure. + +HEGIO. He has debauch'd his daughter. + +DEM. How! + +HEGIO. Hold, Demea, for the worst is still to come. + +DEM. Is there aught worse? + +HEGIO. Much worse: for this perhaps +Might be excus'd. The night, love, wine, and youth, +Might prompt him. 'Tis the frailty of our nature. +--Soon as his sense returning made him conscious +Of his rash outrage, of his own accord +He came to the girl's mother, weeping, praying. +Entreating, vowing constancy, and swearing +That he would take her home.--He was forgiven; +The thing conceal'd; and his vows credited. +The girl from that encounter prov'd with child: +This is the tenth month.--He, good gentleman, +Has got a music-girl, Heav'n bless the mark! +With whom he means to live, and quit the other. + +DEM. And are you well assur'd of this? + +HEGIO. The mother, +The girl, the fact itself, are all before you, +Joining to vouch the truth on't. And besides, +This Geta here--as servants go, no bad one, +Nor given up to idleness--maintains them; +The sole support of all the family. +Here take him, bind him, force the truth from him. + +GETA. Aye, torture me, if 'tis not so, good Demea! +Nay, AEschinus, I'm sure, will not deny it. +Bring me before him. + +DEM. (_aside_). I'm asham'd: and what +To do, or what to say to him, I know not. + +PAMPHILA (_within_). Ah me! I'm torn in pieces!--Racking pains! +Juno Lucina, help me! save, I pray thee! + +HEGIO. Ha! Is she then in labor, Geta? + +GETA. Yes, Sir. + +HEGIO. Hark! she now calls upon your justice, Demea! +Grant her then freely, what law else will claim. +And Heaven send, that you may rather do +What honor bids! but if you mean it not, +Be sure of this; that with my utmost force +I'll vindicate the girl, and her dead father; +He was my kinsman; we were bred together +From children; and our fortunes twin'd together +In war, and peace, and bitter poverty. +Wherefore I'll try, endeavor, strive, nay lose +My life itself, before I will forsake them. +--What is your answer? + +DEM. I'll find out my brother: +What he advises, I will follow, Hegio. + +HEGIO. But still remember, Demea, that the more +You live at ease; the more your pow'r, your wealth, +Your riches, and nobility; the more +It is your duty to act honorably, +If you regard the name of honest men. + +DEM. Go to: we'll do you justice. + +HEGIO. 'Twill become you. +Geta, conduct me in to Sostrata. (_Exit with GETA._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + HEGIO. Good Heaven! a most unworthy action, Geta! + GETA. Ev'n so. + HEGIO. A deed so base + Sprung from that family?--Oh AEschinus, + I'm sure this was not acting like your father. + DEM. So! he has heard about this Music-Girl, + _Colman 1768_ + HEGIO. Can it be true? + GETA. Ev'n so. + HEGIO. A deed so base + Sprung from that family?--Oh AEschinus, + This was not acting like your father. + DEM. So! + He has just heard about this Musick-Girl, + + _Harper_ + HEGIO. Unless they do what's just + _Colman 1768_ + HEGIO. Unless they do you justice + + _Harper_ + The good old Simulus, on his death-bed + _Colman 1768_ + On his death-bed, the good old Simulus + + _Harper_ + HEGIO. AEschinus, your elder son, + Adopted by your brother, has committed + _Colman 1768_ + HEGIO. AEschinus, your elder son, + Your brother's by adoption, has committed + + HEGIO. Ha! Is she then in labor, _Geta_? + _"Geta" italicized in Harper edition_] + + +SCENE VII. + + _DEMEA alone._ + +This is no more than I foretold: and well +If his intemp'rance would stop _here!_--But this +Immoderate indulgence must produce +Some terrible misfortune in the end. +--I'll hence, find out my brother, tell my news, +And empty all my indignation on him. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Re-enter HEGIO, speaking to SOSTRATA at the door._ + +Be of good cheer, my Sostrata; and comfort, +As much as in your pow'r, poor Pamphila! +I'll find out Micio, if he's at the Forum, +And tell him the whole story: if he'll act +With honor in it, why 'tis well; if not, +Let him but speak his mind to me, and then +I shall know how to act accordingly. (_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _CTESIPHO, SYRUS._ + +CTES. My father gone into the country, say you? + +SYRUS. Long since. + +CTES. Nay; speak the truth! + +SYRUS. He's at his farm, +And hard at work, I warrant you. + +CTES. I wish, +So that his health were not the worse for it, +He might so heartily fatigue himself, +As to be forc'd to keep his bed these three days! + +SYRUS. I wish so too; and more, if possible. + +CTES. With all my heart: for I would fain consume, +As I've begun, the livelong day in pleasure. +Nor do I hate that farm of ours so much +For any thing, as that it is so near. +For if 'twas at a greater distance, night +Would come upon him ere he could return. +But now, not finding me, I'm very sure +He'll hobble back again immediately; +Question me where I've been, that I've not seen him +All the day long; and what shall I reply? + +SYRUS. What? can you think of nothing? + +CTES. No, not I. + +SYRUS. So much the worse.--Have you no client, friend, +Or guest? + +CTES. I have. What then? + +SYRUS. You've been engag'd +With them. + +CTES. When not engag'd? It can not be. + +SYRUS. It may. + +CTES. Aye, marry, for the day I grant you. +But if I pass the night here, what excuse +Then, Syrus? + +SYRUS. Ah! I would it were the custom +To be engag'd at night too with one's friends! +--But be at ease! I know his mind so well, +That when he raves the loudest, I can make him +As gentle as a lamb. + +CTES. How so? + +SYRUS. He loves +To hear you prais'd. I sing your praises to him, +And make you out a little God. + +CTES. Me! + +SYRUS. You. +And then the old man blubbers like a child, +For very joy.--But have a care! (_Looking out._) + +CTES. What now? + +SYRUS. The wolf i' th' fable! + +CTES. What, my father? + +SYRUS. He. + +CTES. What's the best, Syrus? + +SYRUS. In! fly! I'll take care. + +CTES. You have not seen me, if he asks: d'ye hear? + +SYRUS. Can't you be quiet? (_Pushes out CTESIPHO._) + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter DEMEA at another part of the stage._ + +DEM. Verily I am +A most unhappy man! for first of all, +I can not find my brother any where: +And then besides, in looking after him, +I chanc'd on one of my day laborers, +Who had but newly left my farm, and told me +Ctesipho was not there. What shall I do? + + {_CTESIPHO and SYRUS apart._} + +CTES. (_peeping out._) Syrus? + +SYRUS. What? + +CTES. Does he seek me? + +SYRUS. Yes. + +CTES. Undone! + +SYRUS. Courage! + +DEM. (_to himself_). Plague on it, what ill luck is this? +I can't account for it: but I believe +That I was born for nothing but misfortunes. +I am the first who feels our woes; the first +Who knows of them; the first who tells the news: +And come what may, I bear the weight alone. + +SYRUS (_behind_). Ridiculous! he says he knows all first; +And he alone is ignorant of all. + +DEM. I'm now return'd to see if Micio +Be yet come home again. + + {_CTESIPHO and SYRUS apart._} + +CTES. (_peeping out_). Take care, good Syrus, +He don't rush in upon us unawares! + +SYRUS. Peace! I'll take care. + +CTES. 'Faith, I'll not trust to you, +But shut myself and her in some by-place +Together: that's the safest. + +SYRUS. Well, away! (_CTESIPHO disappears._) +I'll drive the old man hence, I warrant you. + +DEM. (_seeing SYRUS_). But see that rascal Syrus coming hither! + +SYRUS (_advancing hastily, and pretending not to see DEMEA_). +By Hercules, there is no living here, +For any one, at this rate.--I'd fain know +How many masters I'm to have.--Oh monstrous! + +DEM. What does he howl for? what's the meaning on't? +Hark ye, my good Sir! prithee tell me if +My brother be at home. + +SYRUS. _My good Sir!_ Plague! +Why do you come with your _good Sirs_ to me? +I'm half-kill'd. + +DEM. What's the matter? + +SYRUS. What's the matter! +Ctesipho, vengeance on him, fell upon me, +And cudgel'd me and the poor Music-Girl +Almost to death. + +DEM. Indeed? + +SYRUS. Indeed. Nay see +How he has cut my lip. (_Pretending to show it._) + +DEM. On what account? + +SYRUS. The girl, he says, was bought by my advice. + +DEM. Did not you say you saw him out of town +A little while ago? + +SYRUS. And so I did. +But he came back soon after, like a madman. +He had no mercy.--Was not he asham'd +To beat a poor old fellow? to beat me; +Who bore him in my arms but t'other day, +An urchin thus high? (_Showing._) + +DEM. Oh rare, Ctesipho! +Father's own son! a man, I warrant him. + +SYRUS. Oh rare, d'ye cry? I' faith, if he is wise, +He'll hold his hands another time. + +DEM. Oh brave! + +SYRUS. Oh mighty brave, indeed!--Because he beat +A helpless girl, and me a wretched slave, +Who durst not strike again;--oh, to be sure, +Mighty brave, truly! + +DEM. Oh, most exquisite! +My Ctesipho perceived, as well as I, +That you was the contriver of this business. +--But is my brother here? + +SYRUS. Not he. (_Sulkily._) + +DEM. I'm thinking +Where I shall seek him. + +SYRUS. I know where he is: +But I'll not tell. + +DEM. How, Sirrah? + +SYRUS. Even so. + +DEM. I'll break your head. + +SYRUS. I can not tell the name +Of him he's gone to, but I know the place. + +DEM. Well, where's the place? + +SYRUS. D'ye know the Portico +Just by the market, down this way? (_Pointing._) + +DEM. I do. + +SYRUS. Go up that street; keep straight along: and then +You'll see a hill; go straight down that: and then +On this hand, there's a chapel; and just by +A narrow lane. (_Pointing._) + +DEM. Where? (_Looking._) + +SYRUS. There; by the great wild fig-tree. +D'ye know it, Sir? + +DEM. I do. + +SYRUS. Go through that lane. + +DEM. That lane's no thoroughfare. + +SYRUS. Aye, very true: +No more it is, Sir.--What a fool I am! +I was mistaken--You must go quite back +Into the portico; and after all, +This is the nearest and the safest way. +--D'ye know Cratinus' house? the rich man? + +DEM. Aye. + +SYRUS. When you've pass'd that, turn short upon the left. +Keep straight along that street, and when you reach +Diana's Temple, turn upon the right. +And then, on this side of the city gate, +Just by the pond, there is a baker's shop, +And opposite a joiner's.--There he is. + +DEM. What business has he there? + +SYRUS. He has bespoke +Some tables to be made with oaken legs +To stand the sun. + +DEM. For you to drink upon. +Oh brave! But I lose time. I'll after him. + (_Exit hastily._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + SYRUS. Go up that street; keep straight along: and then + _Colman 1768_ + SYRUS. Go straight along that street: and at the end] + + +SCENE III. + + _SYRUS alone._ + +Aye, go your ways! I'll work your old shrunk shanks +As you deserve, old Drybones!--AEschinus +Loiters intolerably. Dinner's spoil'd. +Ctesipho thinks of nothing but his girl. +'Tis time for me to look to myself too. +Faith, then I'll in immediately; pick out +All the tid-bits, and tossing off my cups, +In lazy leisure lengthen out the day. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter MICIO and HEGIO._ + +MICIO. I can see nothing in this matter, Hegio, +Wherein I merit so much commendation. +'Tis but my duty, to redress the wrongs +That we have caus'd: unless perhaps you took me +For one of those who, having injur'd you, +Term fair expostulation an affront; +And having first offended, are the first +To turn accusers.--I've not acted thus: +And is't for this that I am thank'd? + +HEGIO. Ah, no; +I never thought you other than you are. +But let me beg you, Micio, go with me +To the young woman's mother, and repeat +Yourself to her what you have just told me: +--That the suspicion, fall'n on AEschinus, +Sprung from his brother and the Music-Girl. + +MICIO. If you believe I ought, or think it needful, +Let's go! + +HEGIO. 'Tis very kind in you: for thus +You'll raise her spirit drooping with the load +Of grief and misery, and have perform'd +Ev'ry good office of benevolence. +But if you like it not, I'll go myself, +And tell her the whole story. + +MICIO. No, I'll go. + +HEGIO. 'Tis good and tender in your nature, Micio. +For they, whose fortunes are less prosperous, +Are all I know not how, the more suspicious; +And think themselves neglected and contemn'd, +Because of their distress and poverty. +Wherefore I think 'twould satisfy them more +If you would clear up this affair yourself. + +MICIO. What you have said is just, and very true. + +HEGIO. Let me conduct you in! + +MICIO. With all my heart. (_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE V. + + _AESCHINUS alone._ + +Oh torture to my mind! that this misfortune +Should come thus unexpectedly upon me! +I know not what to do, which way to turn. +Fear shakes my limbs, amazement fills my soul, +And in my breast despair shuts out all counsel. +Ah, by what means can I acquit myself? +Such a suspicion is now fallen on me; +And that too grounded on appearances. +Sostrata thinks that on my own account +I bought the Music-Girl. That's plain enough +From the old nurse. For meeting her by chance, +As she was sent from hence to call a midwife, +I ran, and ask'd her of my Pamphila. +--"Is she in labor? are you going now +To call a midwife?"--"Go, go, AEschinus! +Away, you have deceiv'd us long enough, +Fool'd us enough with your fine promises," +Cried she.--"What now?" says I.--"Farewell, enjoy +The girl that you're so taken with!"--I saw +Immediately their cause of jealousy: +Yet I contain'd myself, nor would disclose +My brother's business to a tattling gossip, +By whom the knowledge on't might be betray'd. +--But what shall I do now? shall I confess +The girl to be my brother's; an affair +Which should by no means be reveal'd?--But not +To dwell on that.--Perhaps they'd not disclose it. +Nay, I much doubt if they would credit it: +So many proofs concur against myself.---- +I bore her off: I paid the money down; +She was brought home to me.--All this, I own, +Is my own fault. For should I not have told +My father, be it as it might, the whole? +I should, I doubt not, have obtain'd his leave +To marry Pamphila.--What indolence, +Ev'n, till this hour! now, AEschinus, awake! +--But first I'll go and clear myself to them. +I'll to the door. (_Goes up._) Confusion! how I tremble! +How guilty like I seem when I approach +This house! (_Knocks._) Holloa! within! 'Tis I; +'Tis AEschinus. Come, open somebody +The door immediately!--Who's here? A stranger! +I'll step aside. (_Retires._) + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter MICIO._ + +MICIO (_to SOSTRATA, within_). Do as I have told you, Sostrata. +I'll find out AEschinus, and tell him all. +--But who knock'd at the door? (_Coming forward._) + +AESCH. (_behind_). By Heav'n, my father! +Confusion! + +MICIO (_seeing him_). AEschinus! + +AESCH. What does he here? (_Aside._) + +MICIO. Was't you that knock'd? What, not a word! Suppose +I banter him a little. He deserves it, +For never trusting this affair to me. (_Aside._) +--Why don't you speak? + +AESCH. Not I, as I remember. (_Disordered._) + +MICIO. No, I dare say, not you: for I was wond'ring +What business could have brought you here.--He blushes. +All's safe, I find. (_Aside._) + +AESCH. (_recovering._) But prithee, tell me, Sir, +What brought you here? + +MICIO. No business of my own. +But a friend drew me hither from the Forum, +To be his advocate. + +AESCH. In what? + +MICIO. I'll tell you. +This house is tenanted by some poor women, +Whom, I believe, you know not;--Nay, I'm sure on't, +For 'twas but lately they came over hither. + +AESCH. Well? + +MICIO. A young woman and her mother. + +AESCH. Well? + +MICIO. The father's dead.--This friend of mine, it seems, +Being her next relation, by the law +Is forc'd to marry her. + +AESCH. Confusion! (_Aside._) + +MICIO. How? + +AESCH. Nothing.--Well?--pray go on, Sir!---- + +MICIO. He's now come +To take her home, for he is of Miletus. + +AESCH. How! take her home with him? + +MICIO. Yes, take her home. + +AESCH. What, to Miletus? + +MICIO. Aye. + +AESCH. Oh torture! (_Aside._)-- Well? +What say the women? + +MICIO. Why, what should they? Nothing. +Indeed the mother has devis'd a tale +About her daughter's having had a child +By some one else, but never mentions whom: +His claim, she says, is prior; and my friend +Ought not to have her. + +AESCH. Well? and did not this +Seem a sufficient reason? + +MICIO. No. + +AESCH. No, Sir? +And shall this next relation take her off? + +MICIO. Aye, to be sure: why not? + +AESCH. Oh barbarous, cruel! +And to speak plainly, Sir--ungenerous! + +MICIO. Why so? + +AESCH. Why so, Sir?--What d'ye think +Will come of him, the poor unhappy youth +Who was connected with her first--who still +Loves her, perhaps, as dearly as his life;---- +When he shall see her torn out of his arms, +And borne away forever?--Oh shame, shame! + +MICIO. Where is the shame on't?--Who betroth'd, who gave her? +When was she married? and to whom? Where is he, +And wherefore did he wed another's right? + +AESCH. Was it for her, a girl of such an age, +To sit at home, expecting till a kinsman +Came, nobody knows whence, to marry her? +--This, Sir, it was your business to have said, +And to have dwelt on it. + +MICIO. Ridiculous! +Should I have pleaded against him to whom +I came an advocate?--But after all, +What's this affair to us? or, what have we +To do with them? let's go!--Ha! why those tears? + +AESCH. Father, beseech you, hear me! + +MICIO. AEschinus, +I have heard all, and I know all, already: +For I do love you; wherefore all your actions +Touch me the more. + +AESCH. So may you ever love me, +And so may I deserve your love, my father, +As I am sorry to have done this fault, +And am asham'd to see you! + +MICIO. I believe it; +For well I know you have a liberal mind: +But I'm afraid you are too negligent, +For in what city do you think you live? +You have abus'd a virgin, whom the law +Forbade your touching.--'Twas a fault, a great one; +But yet a natural failing. Many others, +Some not bad men, have often done the same. +--But after this event, can you pretend +You took the least precaution? or consider'd +What should be done, or how?--If shame forbade +Your telling me yourself, you should have found +Some other means to let me know of it. +Lost in these doubts, ten months have slipp'd away. +You have betray'd, as far as in you lay, +Yourself, the poor young woman, and your child. +What! did you think the Gods would bring about +This business in your sleep; and that your wife, +Without your stir, would be convey'd to you +Into your bed-chamber?--I would not have you +Thus negligent in other matters.--Come, +Cheer up, son! you shall wed her. + +AESCH. How! + +MICIO. Cheer up, +I say! + +AESCH. Nay, prithee, do not mock me, father! + +MICIO. Mock you? I? wherefore? + +AESCH. I don't know; unless +That I so much desire it may be true, +I therefore fear it more. + +MICIO. --Away; go home; +And pray the Gods, that you may call your wife +Away! + +AESCH. How's that? my wife? what! now? + +MICIO. Now. + +AESCH. Now? + +MICIO. Ev'n now, as soon as possible. + +AESCH. May all +The Gods desert me, Sir, but I do love you, +More than my eyes! + +MICIO. Than her? + +AESCH. As well. + +MICIO. That's much. + +AESCH. But where is that Milesian? + +MICIO. Gone: +Vanish'd: on board the ship.--But why d'ye loiter? + +AESCH. Ah, Sir, you rather go, and pray the Gods; +For, being a much better man than I, +They will the sooner hear your pray'rs. + +MICIO. I'll in, +To see the needful preparations made. +You, if you're wise, do as I said. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + More than my eyes! + _Harper edition has question mark_ + + +SCENE VII. + + _AESCHINUS alone._ + +How's this? +Is this to be a father? Or is this +To be a son?--Were he my friend or brother, +Could he be more complacent to my wish? +Should I not love him? bear him in my bosom! +Ah! his great kindness has so wrought upon me, +That it shall be the study of my life +To shun all follies, lest they give him pain. +--But I'll in straight, that I may not retard +My marriage by my own delay. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + --But I'll in straight, that I may not retard + My marriage by my own delay. + _Colman 1768_ + But wherefore do I loiter here, and thus + Retard my marriage by my own delay? + + +SCENE VIII. + + _DEMEA alone._ + +I'm tir'd +With walking.--Now great Jove confound you, Syrus; +You and your blind directions! I have crawl'd +All the town over: to the gate; the pond; +Where not? No sign of any shop was there, +Nor any person who had seen my brother. +--Now I'll in, therefore, and set up my rest +In his own house, till he comes home again. (_Going._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + I'm tir'd + With walking.--Now great Jove confound you, Syrus; + _Colman 1768_ + I've walk'd, and walk'd, till I'm quite tir'd with walking. + --Almighty Jove confound you, Syrus, I say;] + + +SCENE IX. + + _Enter MICIO._ + +MICIO. I'll go and let the women know we're ready. + +DEM. But here he is.--I have long sought you, Micio. + +MICIO. What now? + +DEM. I bring you more offenses: great ones; +Of that sweet youth---- + +MICIO. See there! + +DEM. New; capital! + +MICIO. Nay, nay, no more! + +DEM. Ah, you don't know---- + +MICIO. I do. + +DEM. O fool, you think I mean the Music-Girl. +This is a rape upon a citizen. + +MICIO. I know it. + +DEM. How? d'ye know it, and endure it? + +MICIO. Why not endure it? + +DEM. Tell me, don't you rave? +Don't you go mad? + +MICIO. No: to be sure I'd rather---- + +DEM. There's a child born. + +MICIO. Heav'n bless it! + +DEM. And the girl +Has nothing. + +MICIO. I have heard so. + +DEM. And is he +To marry her without a fortune? + +MICIO. Aye. + +DEM. What's to be done then? + +MICIO. What the case requires. +The girl shall be brought over here. + +DEM. Oh Jove! +Can that be proper? + +MICIO. What can I do else? + +DEM. What can you do!--If you're not really griev'd, +It were at least your duty to appear so. + +MICIO. I have contracted the young woman to him: +The thing is settled: 'tis their wedding-day: +And all their apprehensions I've remov'd. +This is still more my duty. + +DEM. Are you pleas'd then +With this adventure, Micio? + +MICIO. Not at all, +If I could help it: now 'tis past all cure, +I bear it patiently. The life of man +Is like a game at tables. If the cast +Which is most necessary be not thrown, +That which chance sends you must correct by art. + +DEM. Oh rare _Corrector!_--By your _art_ no less +Than twenty minae have been thrown away +On yonder Music-wench; who out of hand, +Must be sent packing; if no buyer, gratis. + +MICIO. Not in the least; nor do I mean to sell her. + +DEM. What will you do, then? + +MICIO. Keep her in my house. + +DEM. Oh Heav'n and earth! a harlot and a wife +In the same house! + +MICIO. Why not? + +DEM. Have you your wits? + +MICIO. Truly I think so. + +DEM. Now, so help me Heav'n, +Seeing your folly, I believe you keep her +To sing with you. + +MICIO. Why not? + +DEM. And the young bride +Shall be her pupil? + +MICIO. To be sure. + +DEM. And you +Dance hand in hand with them? + +MICIO. Aye. + +DEM. Aye? + +MICIO. And you +Make one among us too upon occasion. + +DEM. Ah! are you not asham'd on't? + +MICIO. Patience, Demea! +Lay by your wrath, and seem, as it becomes you, +Cheerful and free of heart at your son's wedding. +--I'll but speak with the bride and Sostrata, +And then return to you immediately. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + --I'll but speak with the bride and Sostrata + _Colman 1768_ + --I'll go and warn the bride and Sostrata] + + +SCENE X. + + _DEMEA alone._ + +Jove, what a life! what manners! what distraction! +A bride just coming home without a portion; +A Music-Girl already there in keeping: +A house of waste; the youth a libertine; +Th' old man a dotard!--'Tis not in the pow'r +Of Providence herself, howe'er desirous, +To save from ruin such a family. + + +SCENE XI. + + _Enter at a distance SYRUS, drunk._ + +SYRUS. (_to himself_). Faith, little Syrus, you've ta'en special care +Of your sweet self, and play'd your part most rarely. +--Well, go your ways:--but having had my fill +Of ev'ry thing within, I've now march'd forth +To take a turn or two abroad. + +DEM. (_behind_). Look there! +A pattern of instruction! + +SYRUS. (_seeing him_). But see there: +Yonder's old Demea. (_Going up to him._) What's the matter now? +And why so melancholy? + +DEM. Oh thou villain! + +SYRUS. What! are you spouting sentences, old wisdom? + +DEM. Were you my servant---- + +SYRUS. You'd be plaguy rich, +And settle your affairs most wonderfully. + +DEM. I'd make you an example. + +SYRUS. Why? for what? + +DEM. Why, Sirrah?--In the midst of the disturbance, +And in the heat of a most heavy crime, +While all is yet confusion, you've got drunk, +As if for joy, you rascal! + +SYRUS. Why the plague +Did not I keep within? (_Aside._) + + +SCENE XII. + + _Enter DROMO, hastily._ + +DROMO. Here! hark ye, Syrus! +Ctesipho begs that you'd come back. + +SYRUS. Away! (_Pushes him off._) + +DEM. What's this he says of Ctesipho? + +SYRUS. Pshaw! nothing. + +DEM. How! dog, is Ctesipho within? + +SYRUS. Not he. + +DEM. Why does he name him then? + +SYRUS. It is another. +Of the same name--a little parasite---- +D'ye know him? + +DEM. But I will immediately. (_Going._) + +SYRUS. (_stopping him_). What now? where now? + + {_DEMEA and SYRUS struggling._} + +DEM. Let me alone. + +SYRUS. Don't go! + +DEM. Hands off! what won't you? must I brain you, rascal? + (_Disengages himself from SYRUS, and Exit._ + + +SCENE XIII. + + _SYRUS alone._ + +He's gone--gone in--and faith no welcome roarer---- +--Especially to Ctesipho.--But what +Can I do now; unless, till this blows over, +I sneak into some corner, and sleep off +This wine that lies upon my head?--I'll do't. + (_Exit reeling._ + + +SCENE XIV. + + _Enter MICIO from SOSTRATA._ + +MICIO. (_to SOSTRATA within_). +All is prepar'd: and we are ready, Sostrata, +As I have already told you, when you please. (_Comes forward._) +But who's this forces open our street door +With so much violence? + +_Enter DEMEA on t'other side._ + +DEM. Confusion! death! +What shall I do? or how resolve? where vent +My cries and exclamations? Heav'n! Earth! Sea! + +MICIO (_behind._) So! all's discover'd: that's the thing he raves at. +--Now for a quarrel!--I must help the boy. + +DEM. (_seeing him._) Oh, there's the grand corrupter of our children! + +MICIO. Appease your wrath, and be yourself again! + +DEM. Well, I've appeas'd it; I'm myself again; +I spare reproaches; let us to the point! +It was agreed between us, and it was +Your own proposal too, that you should never +Concern yourself with Ctesipho, nor I +With AEschinus. Say, was't not so? + +MICIO. It was. +I don't deny it. + +DEM. Why does Ctesipho +Revel with you then? Why do you receive him? +Buy him a mistress, Micio?--Is not justice +My due from you, as well as yours from me? +Since I do not concern myself with yours, +Meddle not you with mine! + +MICIO. This is not fair; +Indeed it is not. Think on the old saying, +"All things are common among friends." + +DEM. How smart! +Put off with quips and sentences at last! + +MICIO. Nay, hear me, if you can have patience, Demea. +--First, if you're griev'd at their extravagance, +Let this reflection calm you! Formerly, +You bred them both according to your fortune, +Supposing it sufficient for them both: +Then too you thought that I should take a wife. +Still follow the old rule you then laid down: +Hoard, scrape, and save; do ev'ry thing you can +To leave them nobly! Be that glory yours. +My fortune, fall'n beyond their hopes upon them, +Let them use freely! As your capital +Will not be wasted, what addition comes +From mine, consider as clear gain: and thus, +Weighing all this impartially, you'll spare +Yourself, and me, and them, a world of trouble. + +DEM. Money is not the thing: their morals---- + +MICIO. Hold! +I understand; and meant to speak of that. +There are in nature sundry marks, good Demea, +By which you may conjecture easily, +That when two persons do the self-same thing, +It oftentimes falls out that in the one +'Tis criminal, in t'other 'tis not so: +Not that the thing itself is different, +But he who does it.--In these youths I see +The marks of virtue; and, I trust, they'll prove +Such as we wish them. They have sense, I know; +Attention; in its season, liberal shame; +And fondness for each other; all sure signs +Of an ingenuous mind and noble nature: +And though they stray, you may at any time +Reclaim them.--But perhaps you fear they'll prove +Too inattentive to their interest. +Oh my dear Demea, in all matters else +Increase of years increases wisdom in us: +This only vice age brings along with it; +"We're all more worldly-minded than there's need:" +Which passion age, that kills all passions else, +Will ripen in your sons too. + +DEM. Have a care +That these fine arguments and this great mildness +Don't prove the ruin of us, Micio. + +MICIO. Peace! +It shall not be: away with all your fears! +This day be rul'd by me: come, smooth your brow. + +DEM. Well, since at present things are so, I must, +But then I'll to the country with my son +To-morrow, at first peep of day. + +MICIO. At midnight, +So you'll but smile to-day. + +DEM. And that wench too +I'll drag away with me. + +MICIO. Aye; there you've hit it. +For by that means you'll keep your son at home; +Do but secure her. + +DEM. I'll see that: for there +I'll put her in the kitchen and the mill, +And make her full of ashes, smoke, and meal: +Nay at high noon too she shall gather stubble. +I'll burn her up, and make her black as coal. + +MICIO. Right! now you're wise.--And then I'd make my son +Go to bed to her, though against his will. + +DEM. D'ye laugh at me? how happy in your temper! +I feel---- + +MICIO. Ah! that again? + +DEM. I've done. + +MICIO. In then! +And let us suit our humor to the time. (_Exeunt._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + By which you may conjecture easily, + That when two persons do the self-same thing, + It oftentimes falls out that in the one + 'Tis criminal, in t'other 'tis not so: + _Colman 1768_ + By which you may conjecture of men's minds; + And when two persons do the self-same thing, + May oftentimes pronounce, that in the one + 'Tis dangerous, in t'other 'tis not so] + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _DEMEA alone._ + +Never did man lay down so fair a plan, +So wise a rule of life, but fortune, age, +Or long experience made some change in it; +And taught him that those things he thought he knew +He did not know, and what he held as best, +In practice he threw by. The very thing +That happens to myself. For that hard life +Which I have ever led, my race near run, +Now in the last stage, I renounce: and why? +But that by dear experience I've been told, +There's nothing so advantages a man +As mildness and complacency. Of this +My brother and myself are living proofs: +He always led an easy, cheerful life; +Good-humor'd, mild, offending nobody, +Smiling on all; a jovial bachelor, +His whole expenses centred in himself. +I, on the contrary, rough, rigid, cross, +Saving, morose, and thrifty, took a wife: +--What miseries did marriage bring!--had children; +--A new uneasiness!--and then besides, +Striving all ways to make a fortune for them, +I have worn out my prime of life and health: +And now, my course near finish'd, what return +Do I receive for all my toil? Their hate. +Meanwhile my brother, without any care, +Reaps all a father's comforts. Him they love, +Me they avoid: to him they open all +Their secret counsels; doat on him; and both +Repair to him; while I am quite forsaken. +His life they pray for, but expect my death. +Thus those, brought up by my exceeding labor, +He, at a small expense, has made his own: +The care all mine, and all the pleasure his. +--Well then, let me endeavor in my turn +To teach my tongue civility, to give +With open-handed generosity, +Since I am challeng'd to't!--and let me too +Obtain the love and reverence of my children! +And if 'tis bought by bounty and indulgence, +I will not be behind-hand.--Cash will fail: +What's that to me, who am the eldest born? + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter SYRUS._ + +SYRUS. Oh Sir! your brother has dispatch'd me to you +To beg you'd not go further off. + +DEM. Who's there?---- +What, honest Syrus! save you: how is't with you? +How goes it? + +SYRUS. Very well, Sir. + +DEM. (_aside._) Excellent! +Now for the first time, I, against my nature, +Have added these three phrases, "Honest Syrus!---- +How is't?--How goes it?"-- (_To SYRUS._) You have prov'd yourself +A worthy servant. I'll reward you for it. + +SYRUS. I thank you, Sir. + +DEM. I will, I promise you; +And you shall be convinc'd on't very soon. + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter GETA._ + +GETA (_to SOSTRATA within_). Madam, I'm going to look after them, +That they may call the bride immediately. +--But here is Demea. Save you! + +DEM. Oh! your name? + +GETA. Geta, Sir. + +DEM. Geta, I this day have found you +To be a fellow of uncommon worth: +For sure that servant's faith is well approv'd +Who holds his master's interest at heart, +As I perceiv'd that you did, Geta! wherefore, +Soon as occasion offers, I'll reward you. +--I am endeavoring to be affable, +And not without success. (_Aside._) + +GETA. 'Tis kind in you +To think of your poor slave, Sir. + +DEM. (_aside._) First of all +I court the mob, and win them by degrees. + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter AESCHINUS._ + +AESCH. They murder me with their delays; and while +They lavish all this pomp upon the nuptials, +They waste the livelong day in preparation. + +DEM. How does my son? + +AESCH. My father! are you here? + +DEM. Aye, by affection, and by blood your father, +Who love you better than my eyes.--But why +Do you not call the bride? + +AESCH. 'Tis what I long for: +But wait the music and the singers. + +DEM. Pshaw! +Will you for once be rul'd by an old fellow? + +AESCH. Well? + +DEM. Ne'er mind singers, company, lights, music; +But tell them to throw down the garden-wall, +As soon as possible. Convey the bride +That way, and lay both houses into one. +Bring too the mother, and whole family, +Over to us. + +AESCH. I will. O charming father! + +DEM. (_aside_). _Charming!_ See there! he calls me _charming_ now. +--My brother's house will be a thoroughfare; +Throng'd with whole crowds of people; much expense +Will follow; very much: what's that to me? +I am call'd _charming_, and get into favor. +--Ho! order Babylo immediately +To pay him twenty minae.--Prithee, Syrus, +Why don't you execute your orders? + +SYRUS. What? + +DEM. Down with the wall!-- (_Exit SYRUS._) You, Geta, go and bring +The ladies over. + +GETA. Heaven bless you, Demea, +For all your friendship to our family! (_Exit GETA._ + +DEM. They're worthy of it.--What say you to this? +(_To AESCHINUS._) + +AESCH. I think it admirable. + +DEM. 'Tis much better +Than for a poor soul, sick, and lying-in, +To be conducted through the street. + +AESCH. I never +Saw any thing concerted better, Sir. + +DEM. 'Tis just my way.--But here comes Micio. + + +SCENE V. + + _Enter MICIO._ + +MICIO (_at entering._) My brother order it, d'ye say? where is he? +--Was this your order, Demea? + +DEM. 'Twas my order: +And by this means, and every other way, +I would unite, serve, cherish, and oblige, +And join the family to ours! + +AESCH. Pray do, Sir! (_To MICIO._) + +MICIO. I don't oppose it. + +DEM. Nay, but 'tis our duty. +First, there's the mother of the bride---- + +MICIO. What then? + +DEM. Worthy and modest. + +MICIO. So they say. + +DEM. In years. + +MICIO. True. + +DEM. And so far advanc'd, that she is long +Past child-bearing, a poor lone woman too, +With none to comfort her. + +MICIO. What means all this? + +DEM. This woman 'tis your place to marry, brother; +--And yours (_to AESCHINUS_) to bring him to't. + +MICIO. I marry her? + +DEM. You. + +MICIO. I? + +DEM. Yes, you I say. + +MICIO. Ridiculous! + +DEM. (_to AESCHINUS_). If you're a man, he'll do't. + +AESCH. (_to MICIO_). Dear father! + +MICIO. How! +Do you then join him, fool? + +DEM. Nay, don't deny. +It can't be otherwise. + +MICIO. You've lost your senses! + +AESCH. Let me prevail upon you, Sir! + +MICIO. You're mad. +Away! + +DEM. Oblige your son. + +MICIO. Have you your wits? +I a new married man at sixty-five! +And marry a decrepit poor old woman! +Is that what you advise me! + +AESCH. Do it, Sir! +I've promis'd them. + +MICIO. You've promis'd them, indeed! +Prithee, boy, promise for yourself. + +DEM. Come, come! +What if he ask'd still more of you? + +MICIO. As if +This was not ev'n the utmost. + +DEM. Nay, comply! + +AESCH. Be not obdurate! + +DEM. Come, come, promise him. + +MICIO. Won't you desist? + +AESCH. No, not till I prevail. + +MICIO. This is mere force. + +DEM. Nay, nay, comply, good Micio! + +MICIO. Though this appears to me absurd, wrong, foolish, +And quite repugnant to my scheme of life, +Yet, if you're so much bent on't, let it be! + +AESCH. Obliging father, worthy my best love! + +DEM. (_aside_). What now?--This answers to my wish.--What more? +--Hegio's their kinsman (_to MICIO_), our relation too, +And very poor. We should do him some service. + +MICIO. Do what? + +DEM. There is a little piece of ground, +Which you let out near town. Let's give it him +To live upon. + +MICIO. So little, do you call it? + +DEM. Well, if 'tis large, let's give it. He has been +Father to her; a good man; our relation. +It will be given worthily. In short, +That saying, Micio, I now make my own, +Which you so lately and so wisely quoted; +"It is the common failing of old men +To be too much intent on worldly matters." +Let us wipe off that stain. The saying's true, +And should be practic'd. + +MICIO. Well, well; be it so, +If he requires it. (_Pointing to AESCHINUS._) + +AESCH. I beseech it, father. + +DEM. Now you're indeed my brother, soul and body. + +MICIO. I'm glad to find you think me so. + +DEM. I foil him +At his own weapons. (_Aside._) + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + [Demea's entire speech, beginning + Well, if 'tis large ...] + _Colman 1768_ + DEM. Well, if 'tis large, let's give it. He has been + A father to the bride; a worthy man; + Our kinsman too. It will be well bestow'd. + In short, that saying I now make my own, + Which you but now so wisely quoted, Micio; + "It is the common failing of old men + To be too much intent on worldly matters." + Let us wipe off that stain. The saying's true, + And worthy notice.] + + +SCENE VI. + + _To them SYRUS._ + +SYRUS. I have executed +Your orders, Demea. + +DEM. A good fellow!----Truly +Syrus, I think, should be made free to-day. + +MICIO. Made free! He!----Wherefore? + +DEM. Oh, for many reasons. + +SYRUS. Oh Demea, you're a noble gentleman. +I've taken care of both your sons from boys; +Taught them, instructed them, and given them +The wholesomest advice that I was able. + +DEM. The thing's apparent: and these offices, +To cater;--bring a wench in, safe and snug; +--Or in mid-day prepare an entertainment;---- +All these are talents of no common man. + +SYRUS. Oh most delightful gentleman! + +DEM. Besides, +He has been instrumental too this day +In purchasing the Music-Girl. He manag'd +The whole affair. We should reward him for it. +It will encourage others.--In a word, +Your AEschinus would have it so. + +MICIO. Do you +Desire it? + +AESCH. Yes, Sir. + +MICIO. Well, if you desire it---- +Come hither, Syrus!--Be thou free! (_SYRUS kneels; MICIO strikes him, + being the ceremony of manumission, or giving a slave his freedom._) + +SYRUS. I thank you: +Thanks to you all; but most of all, to Demea! + +DEM. I'm glad of your good fortune. + +AESCH. So am I. + +SYRUS. I do believe it; and I wish this joy +Were quite complete, and I might see my wife, +My Phrygia too, made free, as well as I. + +DEM. The very best of women! + +SYRUS. And the first +That suckled my young master's son, your grandson. + +DEM. Indeed! the first who suckled him!--Nay then, +Beyond all doubt, she should be free. + +MICIO. For what? + +DEM. For that. Nay, take the sum, whate'er it be, +Of me. + +SYRUS. Now all the powers above grant all +Your wishes, Demea! + +MICIO. You have thriv'd to-day +Most rarely, Syrus. + +DEM. And besides this, Micio, +It would be handsome to advance him something +To try his fortune with. He'll soon return it. + +MICIO. Not that. (_Snapping his fingers._) + +AESCH. He's honest. + +SYRUS. Faith I will return it. +Do but advance it. + +AESCH. Do, Sir! + +MICIO. Well, I'll think on't. + +DEM. I'll see that he shall do't. (_To SYRUS._) + +SYRUS. Thou best of men! + +AESCH. My most indulgent father! + +MICIO. What means this? +Whence comes this hasty change of manners, brother? +Whence flows all this extravagance? and whence +This sudden prodigality? + +DEM. I'll tell you: +To show you, that the reason why our sons +Think you so pleasant and agreeable, +Is not from your deserts, or truth, or justice, +But your compliance, bounty, and indulgence. +--Now, therefore, if I'm odious to you, son, +Because I'm not subservient to your humor +In all things, right or wrong; away with care! +Spend, squander, and do what you will!--but if, +In those affairs where youth has made you blind, +Eager, and thoughtless, you will suffer me +To counsel and correct--and in due season +Indulge you--I am at your service. + +AESCH. Father, +In all things we submit ourselves to you. +What's fit and proper, you know best.--But what +Shall come of my poor brother? + +DEM. I consent +That he shall have her: let him finish there. + +AESCH. All now is as it should be.-- (_To the audience._) Clap your + hands! + + + * * * * * + * * * * + + +THE STEP-MOTHER. + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + PROLOGUE. + LACHES. + PHIDIPPUS. + PAMPHILUS. + PARMENO. + SOSIA. + BOY, _and other Servants._ + + SOSTRATA. + MYRRHINA. + BACCHIS. + PHILOTIS. + SYRA. + NURSE, _Servants to Bacchis, etc._ + +SCENE, ATHENS. + + + + +PROLOGUE. + +This play is call'd the STEP-MOTHER. When first +It was presented, such a hurricane, +A tumult so uncommon interven'd, +It neither could be seen nor understood: +So taken were the people, so engag'd +By a rope-dancer!--It is now brought on +As a new piece: and he who wrote the play +Suffer'd it not to be repeated then, +That he might profit by a second sale. +Others, his plays, you have already known; +Now then, let me beseech you, know this too. + + +ANOTHER PROLOGUE. + +I come a pleader, in the shape of prologue: +Let me then gain my cause, and now grown old. +Experience the same favor as when young; +Who then recover'd many a lost play, +Breath'd a new life into the scenes, and sav'd +The author and his writings from oblivion. +Of those which first I studied of Caecilius, +In some I was excluded; and in some +Hardly maintain'd my ground. But knowing well +The variable fortunes of the scene, +I was content to hazard certain toil +For an uncertain gain. I undertook +To rescue those same plays from condemnation, +And labor'd to reverse your sentence on them; +That the same Poet might afford me more, +And no ill fortune damp young Genius in him. +My cares prevail'd; the plays were heard; and thus +Did I restore an Author, nearly lost +Through the malevolence of adversaries, +To study, labor, and the Poet's art. +But had I at that time despis'd his plays, +Or labor'd to deter him from the task, +It had been easy to have kept him idle, +And to have scar'd him from attempting more: +For my sake, therefore, deign to hear with candor +The suit I mean to offer to you now. + +Once more I bring the STEP-MOTHER before you, +Which yet in silence I might never play; +So did confusion crush it: which confusion +Your prudence may allay, if it will deign +To second our endeavors.--When I first +Began to play this piece, the sturdy Boxers, +(The dancers on the rope expected too,) +Th' increasing crowds, the noise and women's clamor, +Oblig'd me to retire before my time. +I, upon this occasion, had recourse +To my old way. I brought it on again. +In the first act I please: meanwhile there spreads +A rumor of the Gladiators: then +The people flock together, riot, roar, +And fight for places. I meanwhile _my_ place +Could not maintain--To-day there's no disturbance; +All's silence and attention; a clear stage: +'Tis yours to give these games their proper grace. +Let not, oh let not the Dramatic Art +Fall to a few! let your authority +Assist and second mine! if I for gain +Ne'er overrated my abilities, +If I have made it still my only care +To be obedient to your will, oh grant +That he who hath committed his performance +To my defense, and who hath thrown himself +On your protection, be not giv'n to scorn, +And foul derision of his envious foes! + +Admit this plea for my sake, and be silent; +That other Poets may not fear to write, +That I too may hereafter find it meet +To play new pieces bought at my expense. + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + + _PHILOTIS, SYRA._ + +PHI. Now, by my troth, a woman of the town +Scarce ever finds a faithful lover, Syra. +This very Pamphilus, how many times +He swore to Bacchis, swore so solemnly +One could not but believe him, that he never +Would, in her lifetime, marry. See! he's married. + +SYRA. I warn you, therefore, and most earnestly +Conjure you, to have pity upon none. +But plunder, fleece, and beggar ev'ry man +That falls into your pow'r. + +PHI. What! spare none? + +SYRA. None. +For know, there is not one of all your sparks +But studies to cajole you with fine speeches, +And have his will as cheaply as he can. +Should not you, then, endeavor to fool them? + +PHI. But to treat all alike is wrong. + +SYRA. What! wrong? +To be reveng'd upon your enemies? +Or to snare those who spread their snares for you? +--Alas! why have not I your youth and beauty, +Or you my sentiments? + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter PARMENO._ + +PAR. (_to SCRITUS within_). If our old gentleman +Asks for me, tell him I'm this very moment +Gone to the Port to seek for Pamphilus. +D'ye understand my meaning, Scritus? If he asks, +Tell him that; if he should not ask, say nothing; +That this excuse may serve another time. (_Comes forward._ +--But is not that Philotis? Whence comes she? +Philotis, save you! + +PHI. Save you, Parmeno! + +SYRA. Save you, good Parmeno! + +PAR. And save you, Syra! +--Tell me, Philotis, where have you been gadding? +Taking your pleasure this long time? + +PHI. I've taken +No pleasure, Parmeno, indeed. I went +With a most brutal Captain hence to Corinth, +There have I led a wretched life with him +For two whole years. + +PAR. Aye, aye, I warrant you +That you have often wish'd to be in Athens; +Often repented of your journey. + +PHI. Oh, +'Tis quite impossible to tell how much +I long'd to be at home, how much I long'd +To leave the Captain, see you, revel with you, +After the good old fashion, free and easy. +For there I durst not speak a single word, +But what, and when the mighty Captain pleas'd. + +PAR. 'Twas cruel in him thus to tie your tongue: +At least, I'll warrant, that you thought it so. + +PHI. But what's this business, Parmeno? this story +That Bacchis has been telling me within? +I could not have believ'd that Pamphilus +Would in her lifetime marry. + +PAR. Marry truly! + +PHI. Why he is married: is not he? + +PAR. He is. +But I'm afraid 'twill prove a crazy match, +And will not hold together long. + +PHI. Heav'n grant it. +So it turn out to Bacchis's advantage! +But how can I believe this, Parmeno? +Tell me. + +PAR. It is not fit it should be told. +Inquire no more. + +PHI. For fear I should divulge it? +Now Heav'n so prosper me, as I inquire, +Not for the sake of telling it again, +But to rejoice within myself. + +PAR. All these +Fair words, Philotis, sha'n't prevail on me +To trust my back to your discretion. + +PHI. Well; +Don't tell me, Parmeno.--As if you had not +Much rather tell this secret than I hear it. + +PAR. She's in the right: I am a blab, 'tis true, +It is my greatest failing.--Give your word +You'll not reveal it, and I'll tell you. + +PHI. Now +You're like yourself again. I give my word. +Speak. + +PAR. Listen then. + +PHI. I'm all ear. + +PAR. Pamphilus +Doted on Bacchis still as much as ever, +When the old gentleman began to tease him +To marry, in the common cant of fathers; +--"That he was now grown old; and Pamphilus +His only child; and that he long'd for heirs, +As props of his old age." At first my master +Withstood his instances, but as his father +Became more hot and urgent, Pamphilus +Began to waver in his mind, and felt +A conflict betwixt love and duty in him. +At length, by hammering on marriage still, +And daily instances, th' old man prevail'd, +And made a match with our next neighbor's daughter. +Pamphilus did not take it much to heart, +Till just upon the very brink of wedlock: +But when he saw the nuptial rites prepar'd, +And, without respite, he must many; then +It came so home to him, that even Bacchis, +Had she been present, must have pitied him. +Whenever he could steal from company, +And talk to me alone,--"Oh Parmeno, +What have I done?" he'd cry.--"I'm lost forever. +Into what ruin have I plung'd myself! +I can not bear it, Parmeno. Ah wretch! +I am undone." + +PHI. Now all the powers of heav'n +Confound you, Laches, for thus teasing him? + +PAR. In short, he marries, and brings home his wife. +The first night he ne'er touch'd her! nor the next. + +PHI. How! he a youth, and she a maidenhead! +Tipsy, and never touch her! 'Tis not likely; +Nor do I think it can be true. + +PAR. No wonder. +For they that come to you come all desire: +But he was bound to her against his will. + +PHI. What followed upon this? + +PAR. A few days after, +Pamphilus, taking me aside, informs me, +"That the maid still remain'd a maid for him; +That he had hop'd, before he brought her home, +He might have borne the marriage:--but resolving +Within myself not to retain her long, +I held it neither honesty in me, +Nor of advantage to the maid herself, +That I should throw her off to scorn:--but rather +Return her to her friends, as I receiv'd her, +Chaste and inviolate." + +PHI. A worthy youth, +And of great modesty! + +PAR. "To make this public +Would not, I think, do well: and to return her +Upon her father's hands, no crime alleg'd, +As arrogant: but she, I hope, as soon +As she perceives she can not live with me, +Will of her own accord depart." + +PHI. But tell me; +Went he meanwhile to Bacchis? + +PAR. Every day. +But she, as is the way you know, perceiving +He was another's property, became +More cross and mercenary. + +PHI. Troth, no wonder. + +PAR. Aye, but 'twas that detach'd him chiefly from her. +For when he had examined well himself, +Bacchis, and her at home; and had compar'd +Their different manners; seeing that his bride, +After the fashion of a lib'ral mind, +Was decent, modest, patient of affronts, +And anxious to conceal the wrongs he did her; +Touch'd partly with compassion for his wife, +And partly tir'd with t'other's insolence, +He by degrees withdrew his heart from Bacchis, +Transferring it to her, whose disposition +Was so congenial to his own. Meanwhile +An old relation of the family +Dies in the isle of Imbrus. His estate +Comes by the law to them; and our old man +Dispatching thither, much against his will, +The now-fond Pamphilus, he leaves his wife +Here with his mother. The old gentleman +Retir'd into the country, and but seldom +Comes up to town. + +PHI. But what is there in this +That can affect the marriage? + +PAR. You shall hear +Immediately. At first, for some few days, +The women seem'd to live on friendly terms: +Till all at once the bride, forsooth, conceiv'd +A wonderful disgust to Sostrata: +And yet there was no open breach between them, +And no complaints on either side. + +PHI. What then? + +PAR. If Sostrata, for conversation' sake, +Went to the bride, she instantly withdrew, +Shunning her company. At length, not able +To bear it any longer, she pretends +Her mother had sent for her to assist +At some home-sacrifice. Away she went. +After a few days' absence, Sostrata +Sent for her back. They made some lame excuse, +I know not what. She sends again. No lady. +Then after several messages, at last +They say the gentlewoman's sick. My mistress +Goes on a visit to her: not let in. +Th' old gentleman, inform'd of all this, came +On this occasion yesterday to town; +And waited on the father of the bride. +What pass'd between them, I as yet can't tell; +And yet I long to know the end of this. +--There's the whole business. Now I'll on my way. + +PHI. And I: for there's a stranger here, with whom +I have an assignation. + +PAR. Speed the plow! + +PHI. Parmeno, fare you well! + +PAR. Farewell, Philotis! (_Exeunt severally._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + PAR. (_to SCRITUS within_). + ... + D'ye understand my meaning, Scritus? + _Colman 1768_ + PAR. (_to SCIRTUS within_). + ... + D'ye understand my meaning, Scirtus? + + _Harper_ + PAR. All these + Fair words, Philotis, sha'n't prevail on me + _Colman 1768_ + PAR. No, no: + Fair words, Philotis, sha'n't prevail on me + + _Harper_ + As arrogant: but she, I hope, as soon + _Colman 1768_ + Is arrogant: but she, I hope, as soon + + The women seem'd to live on friendly terms: + _Harper edition reads "The woman"_ + + _Harper_ + Shunning her company. At length, not able + _Colman 1768_ + Shunning her company. At length, unable] + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + + _LACHES, SOSTRATA._ + +LACH. Oh heav'n and earth, what animals are women! +What a conspiracy between them all, +To do or not do, love or hate alike! +Not one but has the sex so strong in her, +She differs nothing from the rest. Step-mothers +All hate their Step-daughters: and every wife +Studies alike to contradict her husband, +The same perverseness running through them all. +Each seems train'd up in the same school of mischief: +And of that school, if any such there be, +My wife, I think, is schoolmistress. + +SOSTRA. Ah me! +Who know not why I am accus'd. + +LACH. Not know? + +SOSTRA. No, as I hope for mercy! as I hope +We may live long together! + +LACH. Heav'n forbid! + +SOSTRA. Hereafter, Laches, you'll be sensible +How wrongfully you have accus'd me. + +LACH. I? +Accuse you wrongfully?----Is't possible +To speak too hardly of your late behavior? +Disgracing me, yourself, and family; +Laying up sorrow for your absent son; +Converting into foes his new-made friends, +Who thought him worthy of their child in marriage. +You've been our bane, and by your shrewishness +Brew'd this disturbance. + +SOSTRA. I? + +LACH. You, woman, you! +Who take me for a stone, and not a man. +Think ye, because I'm mostly in the country, +I'm ignorant of your proceedings here? +No, no; I know much better what's done here, +Than where I'm chiefly resident. Because +Upon my family at home depends +My character abroad. I knew long since +Philumena's disgust to you;----no wonder! +Nay, 'twere a wonder, had it not been so. +Yet I imagin'd not her hate so strong, +'Twould vent itself upon the family: +Which had I dream'd of, she should have remain'd, +And you pack'd off.--Consider, Sostrata, +How little cause you had to vex me thus. +In complaisance to you, and husbanding +My fortune, I retir'd into the country: +Scraping, and laboring beyond the bounds +Of reason, or my age, that my estate +Might furnish means for your expense and pleasure. +--Was it not then your duty, in return, +To see that nothing happen'd here to vex me? + +SOSTRA. 'Twas not my doing, nor my fault indeed. + +LACH. 'Twas your fault, Sostrata; your fault alone. +You was sole mistress here; and in your care +The house, though I had freed you of all other cares. +A woman, an old woman too, and quarrel +With a green girl! oh shame upon't!--You'll say +That 'twas her fault. + +SOSTRA. Not I indeed, my Laches. + +LACH. 'Fore Heav'n, I'm glad on't! on my son's account. +For as for you, I'm well enough assur'd, +No fault can make you worse. + +SOSTRA. But prithee, husband, +How can you tell that her aversion to me +Is not a mere pretense, that she may stay +The longer with her mother? + +LACH. No such thing. +Was not your visit yesterday a proof, +From their denial to admit you to her? + +SOSTRA. They said she was so sick she could not see me. + +LACH. Sick of your humors; nothing else, I fancy. +And well she might: for there's not one of you +But want your sons to take a wife: and that's +No sooner over, but the very woman +Which, by your instigation, they have married, +They, by your instigation, put away. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + You was sole mistress here; and in your care + _Colman 1768_ + You were sole mistress here; and in your care] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter PHIDIPPUS._ + +PHID. (_to PHILUMENA within_). Although, Philumena, I know +my pow'r +To force you to comply with my commands; +Yet yielding to paternal tenderness, +I e'en give way, nor cross your humor. + +LACH. See, +Phidippus in good time! I'll learn from him +The cause of this.-- (_Going up to him._) Phidippus, though I own +Myself indulgent to my family, +Yet my complacency and easiness +Runs not to that extreme, that my good-nature +Corrupts their morals. Would you act like me, +'Twould be of service to both families. +But you, I see, are wholly in their power. + +PHID. See there! + +LACH. I waited on you yesterday +About your daughter: but I went away +No wiser than I came. It is not right, +If you would have the alliance last between us, +To smother your resentment. If we seem +In fault, declare it; that we may refute, +Or make amends for our offense: and you +Shall carve the satisfaction out yourself. +But if her sickness only is the cause +Of her remaining in your family, +Trust me, Phidippus, but you do me wrong, +To doubt her due attendance at my house. +For, by the pow'rs of heav'n, I'll not allow +That you, although her father, wish her better +Than I. I love her on my son's account; +To whom, I'm well convinc'd, she is as dear +As he is to himself: and I can tell +How deeply 'twill affect him, if he knows this. +Wherefore I wish she should come home again, +Before my son's return. + +PHID. My good friend Laches, +I know your care, and your benevolence; +Nor doubt that all is as you say; and hope +That you'll believe I wish for her return, +So I could but effect it. + +LACH. What prevents it? +Tell me, Phidippus! does she blame her husband? + +PHID. Not in the least. For when I urg'd it home, +And threaten'd to oblige her to return, +She vow'd most solemnly she could not bear +Your house, so long as Pamphilus was absent. +--All have their failings: I am of so soft +A nature, I can't thwart my family. + +LACH. Ha, Sostrata! (_To SOSTRATA, apart._) + +SOSTRA. Wretch that I am! Ah me! (_Aside._) + +LACH. And her return's impossible? (_To PHIDIPPUS._) + +PHID. At present. +--Would you aught else with me? for I have business +That calls me to the Forum. + +LACH. I'll go with you. (_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE III. + + _Manet SOSTRATA._ + +SOSTRA. How unjustly +Do husbands stretch their censures to all wives +For the offenses of a few, whose vices +Reflect dishonor on the rest!--For, Heaven +So help me, as I'm wholly innocent +Of what my husband now accuses me! +But 'tis no easy task to clear myself; +So fix'd and rooted is the notion in them, +That Step-Mothers are all severe.--Not I; +For I have ever lov'd Philumena +As my own daughter; nor can I conceive +What accident has drawn her hatred on me. +My son's return, I hope, will settle all; +And, ah, I've too much cause to wish his coming. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + For the offenses of a few, whose vices + Reflect dishonor on the rest!--For, Heaven + So help me, as I'm wholly innocent + _Colman 1768_ + Because of the offences of a few, + Whose faults reflect dishonour on the rest! + --For, heav'n so help me, as I'm innocent] + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter PAMPHILUS and PARMENO._ + +PAM. Never did man experience greater ills, +More miseries in love than I.--Distraction! +Was it for this I held my life so dear? +For this was I so anxious to return? +Better, much better were it to have liv'd +In any place, than come to this again! +To feel and know myself a wretch!--For when +Mischance befalls us, all the interval +Between its happening, and our knowledge of it, +May be esteem'd clear gain. + +PAR. But as it is, +You'll sooner be deliver'd from your troubles: +For had you not return'd, the breach between them +Had been made wider. But now, Pamphilus, +Both will, I doubt not, reverence your presence. +You'll know the whole, make up their difference, +And reconcile them to each other.--These +Are all mere trifles, which you think so grievous. + +PAM. Ah, why will you attempt to comfort me? +Was ever such a wretch?--Before I married, +My heart, you know, was wedded to another. +--But I'll not dwell upon that misery, +Which may he easily conceiv'd: and yet +I had not courage to refuse the match +My father forc'd upon me.--Scarcely wean'd +From my old love, my lim'd soul scarcely freed +From Bacchis, and devoted to my wife, +Than, lo, a new calamity arises, +Threatening to tear me from Philumena. +For either I shall find my mother faulty, +Or else my wife: In either case unhappy. +For duty, Parmeno, obliges me +To bear with all the failings of a mother: +And then I am so bounden to my wife, +Who, calm as patience, bore the wrongs I did her, +Nor ever murmur'd a complaint.--But sure +'Twas somewhat very serious, Parmeno, +That could occasion such a lasting quarrel. + +PAR. Rather some trifle, if you knew the truth. +The greatest quarrels do not always rise +From deepest injuries. We often see +That what would never move another's spleen +Renders the choleric your worst of foes. +Observe how lightly children squabble.--Why? +Because they're govern'd by a feeble mind. +Women, like children, too, are impotent, +And weak of soul. A single word, perhaps, +Has kindled all this enmity between them. + +PAM. Go, Parmeno, and let them know I'm come. + +(_Noise within._) + +PAR. Ha! what's all this? + +PAM. Hush! + +PAR. I perceive a bustle, +And running to and fro.--Come this way, Sir! +--To the door!--nearer still!--There, there, d'ye hear? + +(_Noise continues._) + +PAM. Peace; hush! (_Shriek within._) Oh Jupiter, I heard +a shriek! + +PAR. You talk yourself, and bid me hold my tongue. + +MYRRHINA (_within_). Hush, my dear child, for Heaven's sake! + +PAM. It seem'd +The voice of my wife's mother. I am ruin'd! + +PAR. How so? + +PAM. Undone! + +PAR. And why? + +PAM. Ah, Parmeno, +They hide some terrible misfortune from me! + +PAR. They said your wife Philumena was ill: +Whether 'tis that, I can not tell. + +PAM. Death, Sirrah! +Why did you not inform me that before? + +PAR. Because I could not tell you all at once. + +PAM. What's her disorder? + +PAR. I don't know. + +PAM. But tell me, +Has she had no physician? + +PAR. I don't know. + +PAM. But why do I delay to enter straight, +That I may learn the truth, be what it will? +--Oh my Philumena, in what condition +Shall I now find thee?--If there's danger of thee, +My life's in danger too. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE II. + + _PARMENO alone._ + +It were not good +That I should follow him into the house: +For all our family are odious to them. +That's plain from their denying Sostrata +Admittance yesterday.--And if by chance +Her illness should increase (which Heav'n forbid, +For my poor master's sake!), they'll cry directly, +"Sostrata's servant came into the house:" +Swear,--"that I brought the plague along with me, +Put all their lives in danger, and increas'd +Philumena's distemper."--By which means +My mistress will be blam'd, and I be beaten. + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter SOSTRATA._ + +SOSTRA. Alas, I hear a dreadful noise within. +Philumena, I fear, grows worse and worse: +Which AEsculapius, and thou, Health, forbid! +But now I'll visit her. (_Goes toward the house._) + +PAR. Ho, Sostrata! + +SOSTRA. Who's there? + +PAR. You'll be shut out a second time. + +SOSTRA. Ha, Parmeno, are you there?--Wretched woman! +What shall I do?--Not visit my son's wife, +When she lies sick at next door! + +PAR. Do not go; +No, nor send any body else; for they +That love the folks, to whom themselves are odious, +I think are guilty of a double folly: +Their labor proves but idle to themselves, +And troublesome to those for whom 'tis meant. +Besides, your son, the moment he arriv'd, +Went in to visit her. + +SOSTRA. How, Parmeno! +Is Pamphilus arriv'd? + +PAR. He is. + +SOSTRA. Thank Heav'n! +Oh, how my comfort is reviv'd by that! + +PAR. And therefore I ne'er went into the house. +For if Philumena's complaints abate, +She'll tell him, face to face, the whole affair, +And what has pass'd between you to create +This difference.--But here he comes--how sad! + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter PAMPHILUS._ + +SOSTRA. My dear boy, Pamphilus! + +PAM. My mother, save you! (_Disordered._) + +SOSTRA. I'm glad to see you safe return'd--How does +Your wife! + +PAM. A little better. + +SOSTRA. Grant it, Heav'n! +--But why d'ye weep, and why are you so sad? + +PAM. Nothing, good mother. + +SOSTRA. What was all that bustle? +Tell me, did pain attack her suddenly? + +PAM. It did. + +SOSTRA. And what is her complaint? + +PAM. A fever. + +SOSTRA. What! a quotidian? + +PAR. So they say.--But in, +Good mother, and I'll follow. + +SOSTRA. Be it so. (_Exit._ + +PAM. Do you run, Parmeno, to meet the servants, +And give your help in bringing home the baggage. + +PAR. As if they did not know the road! + +PAM. Away! (_Exit PARMENO._ + + +SCENE V. + + _PAMPHILUS alone._ + +Which way shall I begin the wretched tale +Of my misfortunes, which have fall'n upon me +Thus unexpectedly? which even now +These very eyes have seen, these ears have heard? +And which, discover'd, drove me out o'doors. +Cover'd with deep confusion?--For but now +As I rush'd in, all anxious for my wife, +And thinking to have found her visited, +Alas! with a far different complaint; +Soon as her women saw me, at first sight +Struck and o'erjoy'd, they all exclaim'd, "He's come!" +And then as soon each countenance was chang'd, +That chance had brought me so unseasonably. +Meanwhile one of them ran before, to speak +Of my arrival. I, who long'd to see her, +Directly follow'd; and no sooner enter'd, +Than her disorder was, alas! too plain: +For neither had they leisure to disguise it, +Nor could she silence the loud cries of travail. +Soon as I saw it, "Oh shame, shame!" I cried, +And rush'd away in tears and agony, +O'erwhelm'd with horror at a stroke so grievous. +The mother follows me, and at the threshold +Falls on her knees before me all in tears. +This touch'd me to the soul. And certainly +'Tis in the very nature of our minds, +To rise and fall according to our fortunes. +Thus she address'd me.-- "Oh, my Pamphilus, +The cause of her removal from your house +You've now discover'd. To my virgin-daughter +Some unknown villain offer'd violence; +And she fled hither to conceal her labor +From you and from your family."--Alas! +When I but call her earnest prayers to mind, +I can not choose but weep.--"Whatever chance," +Continued she, "whatever accident, +Brought you to-day thus suddenly upon us, +By that we both conjure you--if in justice +And equity we may--to keep in silence, +And cover her distress.--Oh, Pamphilus, +If e'er you witness'd her affection for you, +By that affection she implores you now +Not to refuse us!--for recalling her, +Do as your own discretion shall direct. +That she's in labor now, or has conceiv'd +By any other person, is a secret +Known but to you alone. For I've been told, +The two first months you had no commerce with her, +And it is now the seventh since your union. +Your sentiments on this are evident. +But now, my Pamphilus, if possible, +I'll call it a miscarriage: no one else +But will believe, as probable, 'tis yours. +The child shall be immediately expos'd. +No inconvenience will arise to you; +While thus you shall conceal the injury +That my poor girl unworthily sustain'd." +--I promis'd her; and I will keep my word. +But to recall her would be poor indeed: +Nor will I do it, though I love her still. +And former commerce binds me strongly to her. +--I can't but weep, to think how sad and lonely +My future life will be.--Oh fickle fortune! +How transient are thy smiles!--But I've been school'd +To patience by my former hapless passion, +Which I subdued by reason: and I'll try +By reason to subdue this too.--But yonder +Comes Parmeno, I see, with th' other slaves! +He must by no means now be present, since +To him alone I formerly reveal'd +That I abstain'd from her when first we married: +And if he hears her frequent cries, I fear +That he'll discover her to be in labor. +I must dispatch him on some idle errand, +Until Philumena's deliver'd. + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter at a distance PARMENO, SOSIA, and other slaves with baggage._ + +PAR. (_to SOSIA_). Aye? +And had you such a wretched voyage, say you? + +SOSIA. Oh Parmeno, words can't express how wretched +A sea-life is. + +PAR. Indeed? + +SOSIA. Oh happy Parmeno! +You little know the dangers you've escap'd, +Who've never been at sea.--For not to dwell +On other hardships, only think of this! +I was on shipboard thirty days or more, +In constant fear of sinking all the while, +The winds so contrary, such stormy weather! + +PAR. Dreadful! + +SOSIA. I found it so, I promise you. +In short, were I assur'd I must return, +'Fore Heaven, Parmeno, I'd run away, +Rather than go on board a ship again. + +PAR. You have been apt enough to think of that +On slighter reasons, Sosia, before now. +--But yonder's my young master Pamphilus +Standing before that door.--Go in! I'll to him, +And see if he has any business for me. + +(_Exeunt SOSIA, and the rest of the slaves with the baggage._ + +Master, are you here still? (_To PAMPHILUS._) + +PAM. Oh Parmeno! +I waited for you. + +PAR. What's your pleasure, Sir? + +PAM. Run to the Citadel. + +PAR. Who? + +PAM. You. + +PAR. The Citadel! +For what? + +PAM. Find out one Callidemides, +My landlord of Mycone, who came over +In the same ship with me. + +PAR. A plague upon it! +Would not one swear that he had made a vow +To break my wind, if he came home in safety, +With running on his errands? + +PAM. Away, Sirrah! + +PAR. What message? must I only find him out? + +PAM. Yes; tell him that it is not in my power +To meet him there to-day, as I appointed; +That he mayn't wait for me in vain.--Hence; fly! + +PAR. But I don't know him, if I see him, Sir. + +PAM. (_impatiently_). Well; I'll describe him, so you can not miss him. +--A large, red, frizzle-pated, gross, blear-eyed, +Ill-looking fellow. + +PAR. Plague on him, say I! +--What if he should not come, Sir, must I wait +Till evening for him? + +PAM. Wait.--Be quick! + +PAR. Be quick? +I can't be quick,--I'm so much tir'd. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE VII. + + _PAMPHILOS alone._ + +He's gone. +What shall I do? Alas! I scarcely know +How to conceal, as Myrrhina desir'd, +Her daughter's labor. Yet I pity her; +And what I can, I am resolv'd to do, +Consistent with my duty: for my parents +Must be obey'd before my love.--But see! +My father and Phidippus come this way. +How I shall act, Heav'n knows. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + And what I can, I am resolv'd to do, + Consistent with my duty: for my parents + _Colman 1768_ + And what I can, consistent with my duty, + I am resolv'd to do: and yet my parents + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Enter at a distance LACHES and PHIDIPPUS._ + +LACH. Did not you say +She only waited my son's coming? + +PHID. Aye. + +LACH. They say that he's arriv'd. Let us return then! + +PAM. (_behind_). What reason I shall frame to give my father, +For not recalling her, I can not tell. + +LACH. (_overhearing_). Whose voice was that? + +PAM. (_to himself_). And yet I am resolv'd +To stand to my first purpose. + +LACH. (_seeing PAMPHILUS_). He himself, +Whom I was speaking of! + +PAM. (_going up_). My father, save you! + +LACH. Save you, my son! + +PHID. Pamphilus, welcome home! +I'm glad to see you safe, and in good health. + +PAM. I do believe it. + +LACH. Are you just now come? + +PAM. Just now, Sir. + +LACH. Well; and tell me, Pamphilus, +What has our kinsman Phania left us? + +PAM. Ah, Sir, +He, his whole lifetime, was a man of pleasure, +And such men seldom much enrich their heirs. +Yet he has left at least this praise behind him, +"While he liv'd, he liv'd well." + +LACH. And have you brought +Nothing home with you but this single sentence? + +PAM. What he has left, though small, is of advantage. + +LACH. Advantage? No, it is a disadvantage: +For I could wish he was alive and well. + +PHID. That you may safely; for your wishing for't +Will never bring the man to life again: +Yet I know well enough which you'd like best. (_Aside._) + +LACH. (_to PAMPHILUS_). Phidippus order'd that Philumena +Should be sent over to him yesterday. +--Say that you order'd it. (_Aside to PHIDIPPUS, thrusting him._) + +PHID. (_aside to LACHES_). Don't thrust me so.---- +I did. (_Aloud._) + +LACH. But now he'll send her home again. + +PHID. I will. + +PAM. Nay, nay, I know the whole affair. +Since my arrival, I have heard it all. + +LACH. Now plague upon these envious tale-bearers, +Who are so glad to fetch and carry news! + +PAM. (_to PHIDIPPUS_). That I've endeavor'd to deserve no blame +From any of the family, I'm conscious. +Were it my inclination to relate +How true I've been, how kind and gentle tow'rd her, +I well might do it: but I rather choose +You should collect it from herself. For when +She, although now there's enmity between us, +Bespeaks me fair, you will the sooner credit +My disposition tow'rd her. And I call +The Gods to witness that this separation +Has not arisen from my fault. But since +She thinks it is beneath her to comply +With Sostrata, and bear my mother's temper; +And since no other means are to be found +Of reconciliation, I, Phidippus, +Must leave my mother or Philumena. +Duty then calls me to regard my mother. + +LACH. My Pamphilus, I can not be displeas'd +That you prefer to all the world a parent. +But take heed your resentment don't transport you +Beyond the bounds of reason, Pamphilus. + +PAM. Ah, what resentment can I bear to her, +Who ne'er did any thing I'd wish undone, +But has so often deserv'd well of me? +I love her, own her worth, and languish for her; +For I have known her tenderness of soul: +And Heaven grant that with some other husband +She find that happiness she miss'd in me; +From whom the strong hand of necessity +Divorces her forever! + +PHID. That event +'Tis in your pow'r to hinder. + +LACH. If you're wise, +Take your wife home again! + +PAM. I can not, father. +I must not slack my duty to my mother. (_Going._) + +LACH. Where are you going? (_Exit PAMPHILUS._ + + +SCENE IX. + + _Manent LACHES and PHIDIPPUS._ + +PHID. How perverse is this! (_Angrily._) + +LACH. Did not I say he'd take it ill, Phidippus, +And therefore begg'd you to send back your daughter? + +PHID. 'Fore Heaven I did not think him such a churl. +What! does he fancy I'll go cringing to him? +No;--if he'll take his wife he may:--if not, +Let him refund her portion;--there's an end! + +LACH. See there now! you're as fractious as himself. + +PHID. You're come back obstinate and proud enough +In conscience, Pamphilus! (_Angrily._) + +LACH. This anger will subside, +Though he has had some cause to be disturb'd. + +PHID. Because you've had a little money left you, +Your minds are so exalted! + +LACH. What, d'ye quarrel +With me too? + +PHID. Let him take to-day to think on't, +And send me word if he shall have her home +Or not: that if she don't remain his wife, +She may be given to another. (_Exit hastily._ + + +SCENE X. + + _LACHES alone._ + +Stay! +Hear me! one word, Phidippus! Stay!--He's gone. +--What is't to me? (_Angrily._) E'en let them settle it +Among themselves; since nor my son, nor he +Take my advice, nor mind one word I say. +--This quarrel shall go round, I promise them: +I'll to my wife, the author of this mischief, +And vent my spleen and anger upon her. (_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter MYRRHINA hastily._ + +MYRR. What shall I do?--Confusion!--which way turn? +Alas! what answer shall I make my husband? +For I dare say he heard the infant's cries, +He ran so hastily, without a word, +Into my daughter's chamber. If he finds +That she has been deliver'd, what excuse +To make, for having thus conceal'd her labor, +I can't devise.--But our door creaks!--'tis he. +I am undone. + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter PHIDIPPUS._ + +PHID. Soon as my wife perceiv'd +That I was going to my daughter's chamber, +She stole directly out o'doors.--But there +She stands.--Why, how now, Myrrhina? +Holo, I say! (_She affects not to see him._) + +MYRR. D'ye call me, husband? + +PHID. Husband! +Am I your husband? am I ev'n a man? +For had you thought me to be either, woman, +You would not dare to play upon me thus. + +MYRR. How! + +PHID. How?--My daughter has been brought to bed. +--Ha! are you dumb?--By whom? + +MYRR. Is that a question +For you, who are her father, to demand? +Alas! by whom d'ye think, unless her husband? + +PHID. So I believe: nor is it for a father +To suppose otherwise. But yet I wonder +That you have thus conceal'd her labor from us, +Especially as she has been deliver'd +At her full time, and all is as it should be. +What! Is there such perverseness in your nature, +As rather to desire the infant's death, +Than that his birth should knit the bond of friendship +Closer betwixt us; rather than my daughter, +Against your liking, should remain the wife +Of Pamphilus?--I thought all this +Had been their fault, while you're alone to blame. + +MYRR. How wretched am I! + +PHID. Would to Heav'n you were! +--But now I recollect your conversation +When first we made this match, you then declar'd +You'd not endure she should remain the wife +Of Pamphilus, who follow'd mistresses, +And pass'd the nights abroad. + +MYRR. I had much rather +He should think any reason than the true one. (_Aside._) + +PHID. I knew he kept a mistress; knew it long +Ere you did, Myrrhina; but I could never +Think that offense so grievous in a youth, +Seeing 'tis natural to them all: and soon +The time shall come when he'll stand self-reprov'd. +But you, perverse and willful as at first, +Could take no rest till you had brought away +Your daughter, and annull'd the match I made: +There's not a circumstance but loudly speaks +Your evil disposition to the marriage. + +MYRR. D'ye think me then so obstinate, that I, +Who am her mother, should betray this spirit, +Granting the match were of advantage to us? + +PHID. Is it for you then to foresee, or judge +What's of advantage to us? You perhaps +Have heard from some officious busy-body, +That they have seen him going to his mistress, +Or coming from her house: and what of that, +So it were done discreetly, and but seldom? +Were it not better that we should dissemble +Our knowledge of it, than pry into things +Which to appear to know would make him hate us? +For could he tear her from his heart at once, +To whom he'd been so many years attach'd, +I should not think he were a man, or likely +To prove a constant husband to my daughter. + +MYRR. No more of Pamphilus or my offense; +Since you will have it so!--Go, find him out; +Confer with him alone, and fairly ask him, +Will he, or no, take back Philumena? +If he avows his inclination to't, +Restore her; but if he refuses it, +Allow, I've ta'en good counsel for my child. + +PHID. Grant, he should prove repugnant to the match, +Grant, you perceiv'd this in him, Myrrhina; +Was not I present! had not I a right +To be consulted in't?--It makes me mad. +That you should dare to act without my order: +And I forbid you to remove the child +Out of this house.--But what a fool am I, +Enjoining her obedience to my orders! +I'll in, and charge the servants not to suffer +The infant to be carried forth. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE III. + + _MYRRHINA alone._ + +No woman more unhappy than myself: +For how he'd bear it, did he know the whole, +When he has taken such offense at this, +Which is of much less consequence, is plain. +Nor by what means to reconcile him to it, +Can I devise. After so many ills, +This only misery there yet remain'd, +To be oblig'd to educate the child, +Ignorant of the father's quality. +For he, the cruel spoiler of her honor, +Taking advantage of the night and darkness, +My daughter was not able to discern +His person; nor to force a token from him, +Whereby he might be afterward discover'd: +But he, at his departure, pluck'd by force +A ring from off her finger.--I fear too, +That Pamphilus will not contain himself, +Nor longer keep our secret, when he finds +Another's child acknowledg'd for his own. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. + + _SOSTRATA, PAMPHILUS._ + +SOSTRA. Dear son, I'm not to learn that you suppose, +Though you dissemble your suspicions to me, +That my ill-humor caus'd your wife's departure. +But by my trust in Heav'n, and hopes in you, +I never knowingly did any thing +To draw her hatred and disgust upon me. +I always thought you lov'd me, and to-day +You have confirm'd my faith: for even now +Your father has been telling me within, +How much you held me dearer than your love. +Now therefore, on my part, I am resolv'd +To equal you in all good offices; +That you may know your mother ne'er withholds +The just rewards of filial piety; +Finding it then both meet for your repose, +My Pamphilus, as well as my good name, +I have determin'd to retire directly +From hence into the country with your father; +So shall my presence be no obstacle, +Nor any cause remain, but that your wife +Return immediately. + +PAM. What thoughts are these? +Shall her perverseness drive you out of town? +It shall not be: Nor will I draw, good mother, +That censure on me, that my obstinacy, +Not your good-nature, was the cause.--Besides, +That you should quit relations, friends, diversions, +On my account, I can't allow. + +SOSTRA. Alas! +Those things have no allurements for me now. +While I was young, and 'twas the season for them, +I had my share, and I am satisfied. +'Tis now my chief concern to make my age +Easy to all, that no one may regret +My lengthen'd life, nor languish for my death. +Here, although undeservedly, I see +My presence odious: I had best retire: +So shall I best cut off all discontent, +Absolve myself from this unjust suspicion, +And humor them. Permit me then to shun +The common scandal thrown upon the sex. + +PAM. How fortunate in every thing but one, +Having so good a mother,--such a wife! + +SOSTRA. Patience, my Pamphilus! Is't possible +You can't endure one inconvenience in her? +If in all else, as I believe, you like her, +Dear son, be rul'd by me, and take her home! + +PAM. Wretch that I am! + +SOSTRA. And I am wretched too: +For this grieves me, my son, no less than you. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Finding it then both meet for your repose, + My Pamphilus, as well as my good name + _Colman 1768_ + Finding it then both meet, my Pamphilus, + For your repose, as well as my good name] + + +SCENE V. + + _Enter LACHES._ + +LACH. I have been standing at a distance, wife, +And overheard your conversation with him. +You have done wisely to subdue your temper, +And freely to comply with what, perhaps, +Hereafter must be done. + +SOSTRA. And let it be! + +LACH. Now then retire with me into the country: +There I shall bear with you, and you with me. + +SOSTRA. I hope we shall. + +LACH. Go in then, and pack up +The necessaries you would carry with you. +Away! + +SOSTRA. I shall obey your orders. (_Exit._ + +PAM. Father! + +LACH. Well, Pamphilus? + +PAM. My mother leave the town? +By no means. + +LACH. Why? + +PAM. Because I'm yet uncertain +What I shall do about my wife. + +LACH. How's that? +What _would_ you do but take her home again? + +PAM. 'Tis what I wish for, and can scarce forbear it. +But I'll not alter what I first design'd. +What's best I'll follow: and I'm well convinc'd +That there's no other way to make them friends, +But that I should not take her home again. + +LACH. You don't know that: but 'tis of no importance +Whether they're friends or not, when Sostrata +Is gone into the country. We old folks +Are odious to the young. We'd best retire. +In short, we're grown a by-word, Pamphilus, +"The old man and old woman."--But I see +Phidippus coming in good time. Let's meet him! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + PAM. 'Tis what I wish for, and can scarce forbear it. + _Colman 1768_ + PAM. 'Tis what I wish for, and can scarce forbear. + + _Harper_ + That there's no other way to make them friends + _Colman 1768_ + No other means remain to make them friends] + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter PHIDIPPUS._ + +PHID. (_to PHILUMENA within_). I'm angry with you--'fore Heaven, very + angry, +Philumena!--You've acted shamefully. +Though you indeed have some excuse for't, seeing +Your mother urg'd you to't; but she has none. + +LACH. You're come upon us in good time, Phidippus; +Just in the time we wanted you. + +PHID. What now? + +PAM. What answer shall I give them! how explain? (_Aside._) + +LACH. Inform your daughter, Sostrata will hence +Into the country; so Philumena +Need not dread coming home again. + +PHID. Ah, friend! +Your wife has never been in fault at all: +All this has sprung from my wife Myrrhina. +The case is alter'd. She confounds us, Laches. + +PAM. So that I may not take her home again, +Confound affairs who will! (_Aside._) + +PHID. I, Pamphilus, +Would fain, if possible, make this alliance +Perpetual between our families. +But if you can not like it, take the child. + +PAM. He knows of her delivery. Confusion! (_Aside._) + +LACH. The child! what child? + +PHID. We've got a grandson, Laches. +For when my daughter left your house, she was +With child, it seems, although I never knew it +Before this very day. + +LACH. 'Fore Heav'n, good news! +And I rejoice to hear a child is born, +And that your daughter had a safe delivery. +But what a woman is your wife, Phidippus? +Of what a disposition? to conceal +Such an event as this? I can't express +How much I think she was to blame. + +PHID. This pleases me no more than you, good Laches. + +PAM. Although my mind was in suspense before, +My doubts all vanish now. I'll ne'er recall her, +Since she brings home with her another's child. (_Aside._) + +LACH. There is no room for choice now, Pamphilus. + +PAM. Confusion! (_Aside._) + +LACH. We've oft wish'd to see the day +When you should have a child to call you father. +That day's now come. The Gods be thank'd! + +PAM. Undone! (_Aside._) + +LACH. Recall your wife, and don't oppose my will. + +PAM. If she had wish'd for children by me, father, +Or to remain my wife, I'm very sure +She never would have hid this matter from me: +But now I see her heart divorc'd from me, +And think we never can agree hereafter, +Wherefore should I recall her? + +LACH. A young woman +Did as her mother had persuaded her. +Is that so wonderful? and do you think +To find a woman without any fault? +--Or is't because the _men_ are ne'er to blame? (_Ironically._) + +PHID. Consider with yourselves then, gentlemen, +Whether you'll part with her, or call her home. +What my wife does, I can not help, you know. +Settle it as you please, you've my consent, +But for the child, what shall be done with him? + +LACH. A pretty question truly! come what may, +Send his own bantling home to him of course, +That we may educate him. + +PAM. When his own +Father abandons him, I educate him? + +LACH. What said you? how! not educate him, say you? +Shall we expose him rather, Pamphilus? +What madness is all this?--My breath and blood! +I can contain no longer. You oblige me +To speak, against my will, before Phidippus: +Think you I'm ignorant whence flow those tears? +Or why you're thus disorder'd and distress'd? +First, when you gave as a pretense, _you could not +Recall your wife from reverence to your mother_, +She promis'd to retire into the country. +But now, since that excuse is taken from you, +You've made _her private lying-in_ another. +You are mistaken if you think me blind +To your intentions--That you might at last +Bring home your stray affections to your wife, +How long a time to wean you from your mistress +Did I allow? your wild expense upon her +How patiently I bore? I press'd, entreated, +That you would take a wife. 'Twas time, I said. +At my repeated instances, you married, +And, as in duty bound to do, complied: +But now your heart is gone abroad again +After your mistress, whom to gratify, +You throw this wanton insult on your wife. +For I can plainly see you are relaps'd +Into your former life again. + +PAM. Me? + +LACH. You. +And 'tis base in you to invent false causes +Of quarrel with your wife, that you may live +In quiet with your mistress, having put +This witness from you. This your wife perceiv'd. +For was there any other living reason +Wherefore she should depart from you? + +PHID. He's right, +That was the very thing. + +PAM. I'll take my oath +'Twas none of those that you have mention'd. + +LACH. Ah! +Recall your wife: or tell me why you will not. + +PAM. 'Tis not convenient now. + +LACH. Take home the child then; +For _he_ at least is not in fault. I'll see +About the mother afterward. + +PAM. (_to himself_). Ev'ry way +I am a wretch, nor know I what to do: +My father has me in the toils, and I, +By struggling to get loose, am more entangled. +I'll hence, since present I shall profit little. +For I believe they'll hardly educate +The child against my will; especially +Seeing my step-mother will second me. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + How much I think she was to blame. + _Colman 1768_ + How very much I think she was to blame.] + + +SCENE VII. + + _Manent PHIDIPPUS, LACHES._ + +LACH. Going? how's that? and give me no plain answer! +--D'ye think he's in his senses?--Well--send home +The child to me, Phidippus. I'll take care on't. + +PHID. I will.--I can not wonder that my wife +Took this so ill. Women are passionate, +And can't away with such affronts as these. +This was their quarrel: nay she told me so, +Though before him I did not care to speak on't: +Nor did I credit it at first; but now +'Tis evident, and I can plainly see +He has no stomach to a wife. + +LACH. Phidippus, +How shall I act? What's your advice? + +PHID. How act? +I think 'twere best to seek this wench, his mistress. +Let us expostulate the matter with her, +Speak to her roundly, nay, e'en threaten her, +If she has aught to do with him hereafter. + +LACH. I'll follow your advice.--Ho, boy! (_Enter a boy_) run over +To Bacchis. Tell her to come forth to me. (_Exit boy._ +--I must beseech you also to continue +Your kind assistance to me in this business. + +PHID. Ah, Laches! I have told you all along. +And I repeat it now, that 'tis my wish +To render our alliance firm and lasting, +If possible, as I have hopes it will be. +--But would you have me present at your conference +With Bacchis? + +LACH. No; go, seek the child a nurse. (_Exit PHIDIPPUS._ + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Enter BACCHIS attended by her Women._ + +BACCH. (_to herself_). 'Tis not for nothing Laches wants to see me; +And, or I'm much deceiv'd, I guess the cause. + +LACH. (_to himself_). I must take care my anger don't transport me +Beyond the bounds of prudence, which may hinder +My gaining my design on her, and urge me +To do what I may afterward repent. +I'll to her.-- (_Going up._) Save you, Bacchis! + +BACCH. Save you, Laches! + +LACH. Bacchis, I do not doubt but you're surpris'd +That I should send the boy to call you forth. + +BACCH. Aye, and I'm fearful too, when I reflect +Both who and what I am: lest my vocation +Should prejudice me in your good opinion. +My conduct I can fully justify. + +LACH. If you speak truth, you're in no danger, woman. +For I'm arriv'd at that age when a trespass +Would not be easily forgiven in me. +Wherefore I study to proceed with caution, +And to do nothing rashly. If you act, +And will continue to act honestly, +It were ungenerous to do you wrong, +And seeing you deserve it not, unjust. + +BACCH. Truly, this conduct asks my highest thanks; +For he who does the wrong, and then asks pardon, +Makes but a sorry reparation for it. +But what's your pleasure? + +LACH. You receive the visits +Of my son Pamphilus---- + +BACCH. Ah!---- + +LACH. Let me speak. +Before he married I endur'd your love. +--Stay! I've not finish'd all I have to say.---- +He is now married. You then, while 'tis time, +Seek out another and more constant friend. +For he will not be fond of you forever, +Nor you, good faith, forever in your bloom. + +BACCH. Who tells you that I still receive the visits +Of Pamphilus? + +LACH. His step-mother. + +BACCH. I? + +LACH. You. +And therefore has withdrawn her daughter: therefore +Meant secretly to kill the new-born child. + +BACCH. Did I know any thing, to gain your credit, +More sacred than an oath, I'd use it, Laches, +In solemn protestation to assure you +That I have had no commerce with your son +Since he was married. + +LACH. Good girl! but dy'e know +What I would farther have you do? + +BACCH. Inform me. + +LACH. Go to the women here, and offer them +The same oath. Satisfy their minds, and clear +Yourself from all reproach in this. + +BACCH. I'll do't; +Although I'm sure no other of my calling +Would show herself before a married woman +Upon the same occasion.--But it hurts me +To see your son suspected on false grounds; +And that, to those who owe him better thoughts, +His conduct should seem light. For he deserves +All my best offices. + +LACH. Your conversation has much wrought upon me, +Gain'd my good-will, and alter'd my opinion. +For not the women only thought thus of you, +But I believ'd it too. Now therefore, since +I've found you better than my expectation, +Prove still the same, and make my friendship sure. +If otherwise--But I'll contain myself. I'll not +Say any thing severe.--But I advise you, +Rather experience what a friend I am, +Than what an enemy. + +BACCH. I'll do my best. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + LACH. If you speak truth, you're in no danger, woman. + _Colman 1768_ + LACH. Speak but the truth, you're in no danger, woman.] + + +SCENE IX. + + _Enter PHIDIPPUS and a Nurse._ + +PHID. (_to the Nurse_). Nay, you shall want for nothing at my house; +I'll give you all that's needful in abundance; +But when you've eat and drank your fill yourself, +Take care to satisfy the infant too. + +LACH. I see the father of Philumena +Coming this way. He brings the child a nurse. +--Phidippus, Bacchis swears most solemnly---- + +PHID. Is this she? + +LACH. Aye. + +PHID. They never mind the Gods, +Nor do I think the Gods mind them. + +BACCH. Here are +My waiting-women: take them, and extort +By any kind of torment the truth from them. +--Our present business is, I take it, this: +That I should win the wife of Pamphilus +To return home; which so I but effect, +I sha'n't regret the same of having done +What others of my calling would avoid. + +LACH. Phidippus, we've discover'd that in fact +We both suspected our wives wrongfully. +Let's now try her: for if your wife perceives +Her own suspicions also are unjust, +She'll drop her anger. If my son's offended +Because his wife conceal'd her labor from him, +That's but a trifle; he'll be soon appeas'd. +--And truly I see nothing in this matter +That need occasion a divorce. + +PHID. 'Fore Heaven, +I wish that all may end well. + +LACH. Here she is: +Examine her; she'll give you satisfaction. + +PHID. What needs all this to Me! You know my mind +Already, Laches: do but make them easy. + +LACH. Bacchis, be sure you keep your promise with me. + +BACCH. Shall I go in then for that purpose? + +LACH. Aye. +Go in; remove their doubts, and satisfy them. + +BACCH. I will; although I'm very sure my presence +Will be unwelcome to them; for a wife, +When parted from her husband, to a mistress +Is a sure enemy. + +LACH. They'll be your friends, +When once they know the reason of your coming. + +PHID. Aye, aye, they'll be your friends, I promise you, +When they once learn your errand; for you'll free +Them from mistake, yourself from all suspicion. + +BACCH. I'm cover'd with confusion. I'm asham'd +To see Philumena.-- (_To her women._) You two in after me. + (_Exeunt PHIDIPPUS, BACCHIS, etc._ + +_LACHES alone._ + +What is there that could please me more than this, +That Bacchis, without any loss, should gain +Favor from them, and do me service too? +For if she really has withdrawn herself +From Pamphilus, it will increase, she knows, +Her reputation, interest, and honor: +Since by this generous act she will at once +Oblige my son, and make us all her friends. (_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _PARMENO alone._ + +I' faith my master holds my labor cheap, +To send me to the Citadel for nothing, +Where I have waited the whole day in vain +For his Myconian, Callidemides. +There was I sitting, gaping like a fool, +And running up, if any one appear'd, +--"Are you, Sir, a Myconian?"--"No, not I."---- +--"But your name's Callidemides?"--"Not it."---- +"And have not you a guest here of the name +Of Pamphilus?"--All answer'd, No. +In short, I don't believe there's such a man. +At last I grew asham'd, and so sneak'd off. +--But is't not Bacchis that I see come forth +From our new kinsman? What can she do there? + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Of Pamphilus?"--All answer'd, No. + _Colman 1768_ + Of Pamphilus?"--No--no--All No.] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter BACCHIS._ + +BACCH. Oh Parmeno, I'm glad I've met with you. +Run quick to Pamphilus. + +PAR. On what account? + +BACCH. Tell him that I desire he'd come. + +PAR. To you? + +BACCH. No; to Philumena. + +PAR. Why? what's the matter? + +BACCH. Nothing to you; so ask no questions. + +PAR. Must I +Say nothing else? + +BACCH. Yes; tell him too, +That Myrrhina acknowledges the ring, +Which formerly he gave me, as her daughter's. + +PAR. I understand you. But is that all? + +BACCH. All. +He'll come the moment that you tell him that. +What! do you loiter? + +PAR. No, i' faith, not I. +I have not had it in my pow'r, I've been +So bandied to and fro, sent here and there, +Trotting, and running up and down all day. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE III. + + _BACCHIS alone._ + +What joy have I procur'd to Pamphilus +By coming here to-day! what blessings brought him! +And from how many sorrows rescued him! +His son, by his and their means nearly lost, +I've sav'd; a wife he meant to put away, +I have restor'd; and from the strong suspicions +Of Laches and Phidippus set him free. +--Of all these things the ring has been the cause. +For I remember, near ten months ago, +That he came running home to me one evening, +Breathless, alone, and much inflam'd with wine, +Bringing this ring. I was alarm'd at it. +"Prithee, my dearest Pamphilus, said I, +Whence comes all this confusion? whence this ring? +Tell me, my love."--He put me off at first: +Perceiving this, it made me apprehend +Something of serious import, and I urg'd him +More earnestly to tell me.--He confess'd +That, as he came along, he had committed +A rape upon a virgin--whom he knew not---- +And as she struggled, forc'd from her that ring: +Which Myrrhina now seeing on my finger, +Immediately acknowledg'd, and inquir'd +How I came by it. I told all this story: +Whence 'twas discover'd that Philumena +Was she who had been ravish'd, and the child +Conceiv'd from that encounter.--That I've been +The instrument of all these joys I'm glad, +Though other courtesans would not be so; +Nor is it for our profit and advantage +That lovers should be happy in their marriage. +But never will I, for my calling's sake, +Suffer ingratitude to taint my mind. +I found him, while occasion gave him leave, +Kind, pleasant, and good-humor'd: and this marriage +Happen'd unluckily, I must confess. +Yet I did nothing to estrange his love; +And since I have receiv'd much kindness from him, +'Tis fit I should endure this one affliction. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + I've sav'd; a wife he meant to put away + _Colman 1768_ + I sav'd; a wife he meant to put away] + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter at a distance PAMPHILUS and PARMENO._ + +PAM. Be sure you prove this to me, Parmeno; +Prithee, be sure on't. Do not bubble me +With false and short-liv'd joy. + +PAR. 'Tis even so. + +PAM. For certain? + +PAR. Aye, for certain. + +PAM. I'm in heaven, +If this be so. + +PAR. You'll find it very true. + +PAM. Hold, I beseech you.--I'm afraid I think +One thing, while you relate another. + +PAR. Well? + +PAM. You said, I think, "that Myrrhina discover'd +The ring on Bacchis' finger was her own." + +PAR. She did. + +PAM. "The same I gave her formerly. +--And Bacchis bade you run and tell me this." +Is it not so? + +PAR. I tell you, Sir, it is. + +PAM. Who is more fortunate, more bless'd than I? +--What shall I give you for this news? what? what? +I don't know. + +PAR. But I know. + +PAM. What? + +PAR. Just nothing. +For I see nothing of advantage to you, +Or in the message, or myself. + +PAM. Shall I +Permit you to go unrewarded; you, +Who have restor'd me ev'n from death to life? +Ah, Parmeno, d'ye think me so ungrateful? +--But yonder's Bacchis standing at the door. +She waits for me, I fancy. I'll go to her. + +BACCH. (_seeing him_). Pamphilus, save you. + +PAM. Bacchis! my dear Bacchis! +My guardian! my protectress! + +BACCH. All is well: +And I'm o'erjoy'd at it. + +PAM. Your actions speak it. +You're still the charming girl I ever found you. +Your presence, company, and conversation, +Come where you will, bring joy and pleasure with them. + +BACCH. And you, in faith, are still the same as ever, +The sweetest, most engaging man on earth. + +PAM. Ha! ha! ha! that speech from you, dear Bacchis? + +BACCH. You lov'd your wife with reason, Pamphilus: +Never that I remember, did I see her +Before to-day; and she's a charming woman. + +PAM. Speak truth. + +BACCH. So Heaven help me, Pamphilus! + +PAM. Say, have you told my father any part +Of this tale? + +BACCH. Not a word. + +PAM. Nor is there need. +Let all be hush! I would not have it here, +As in a comedy, where every thing +Is known to every body. Here those persons +Whom it concerns already know it; they, +Who 'twere not meet should know it, never shall. + +BACCH. I promise you it may with ease be hid. +Myrrhina told Phidippus that my oath +Convinc'd her, and she held you clear. + +PAM. Good! good! +All will be well, and all, I hope, end well. + +PAR. May I know, Sir, what good I've done to-day? +And what's the meaning of your conversation? + +PAM. No. + +PAR. I suspect, however.--"I restore him +From death to life"--which way?---- + +PAM. Oh, Parmeno, +You can't conceive the good you've done to-day; +From what distress you have deliver'd me. + +PAR. Ah, but I know, and did it with design. + +PAM. Oh, I'm convinced of that. (_Ironically._) + +PAR. Did Parmeno +Ever let slip an opportunity +Of doing what he ought, Sir? + +PAM. Parmeno, +In after me! + +PAR. I follow.--By my troth, +I've done more good to-day, without design, +Than ever with design in all my life.---- +Clap your hands! + + + * * * * * + * * * * + + +PHORMIO. + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + PROLOGUE. + DEMIPHO. + CHREMES. + ANTIPHO. + PHAEDRIA. + CRATINUS. + CRITO. + HEGIO. + PHORMIO. + DORIO. + GETA. + DAVUS, _and other Servants._ + + NAUSISTRATA. + SOPHRONA. + +SCENE, ATHENS. + + + + +PROLOGUE. + +The Old Bard finding it impossible +To draw our Poet from the love of verse, +And bury him in indolence, attempts +By calumny to scare him from the stage; +Pretending that in all his former plays +The characters are low, and mean the style; +Because he ne'er describ'd a mad-brain'd youth, +Who in his fits of frenzy thought he saw +A hind, the dogs in full cry after her; +Her too imploring and beseeching him +To give her aid.--But did he understand +That, when the piece was first produc'd, it ow'd +More to the actor than himself its safety, +He would not be thus bold to give offense. +--But if there's any one who says, or thinks, +"That had not the Old Bard assail'd him first, +Our Poet could not have devis'd a Prologue, +Having no matter for abuse;"--let such +Receive for answer, "that although the prize +To all advent'rers is held out in common, +The Veteran Poet meant to drive our Bard +From study into want: _He_ therefore chose +To answer, though he would not first offend. +And had his adversary but have prov'd +A generous rival, he had had due praise; +Let him then bear these censures, and reflect +Of his own slanders 'tis the due return. +But henceforth I shall cease to speak of him, +Although he ceases not himself to rail." +But now what I'd request of you, attend: +To-day I bring a new play, which the Greeks +Call Epidicazomenos; the Latins, +From the chief character, name Phormio: +Phormio, whom you will find a parasite, +And the chief engine of the plot.--And now, +If to our Poet you are well inclin'd, +Give ear; be favorable; and be silent! +Let us not meet the same ill fortune now +That we before encounter'd, when our troop +Was by a tumult driven from their place; +To which the actor's merit, seconded +By your good-will and candor, has restor'd us. + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + + _DAVUS alone._ + +Geta, my worthy friend and countryman, +Came to me yesterday: for some time past +I've ow'd him some small balance of account: +This he desir'd I would make up: I have; +And brought it with me: for his master's son, +I am inform'd, has lately got a wife: +So I suppose this sum is scrap'd together +For a bride-gift. Alack, how hard it is +That he, who is already poor, should still +Throw in his mite to swell the rich man's heap! +What he scarce, ounce by ounce, from short allowance, +Sorely defrauding his own appetite, +Has spar'd, poor wretch! shall she sweep all at once, +Unheeding with what labor it was got? +Geta, moreover, shall be struck for more; +Another gift, when madam's brought to bed; +Another too, when master's birthday's kept, +And they initiate him.----All this mamma +Shall carry off, the bantling her excuse. +But is that Geta? + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter GETA._ + +GETA (_at entering._) If a red-hair'd man +Inquire for me---- + +DAVUS. No more! he's here. + +GETA. Oh, Davus! +The very man that I was going after. + +DAVUS. Here, take this! (_Gives a purse._) 'Tis all told: you'll find + it right; +The sum I ow'd you. + +GETA. Honest, worthy Davus! +I thank you for your punctuality. + +DAVUS. And well you may, as men and times go now, +Things, by my troth, are come to such a pass, +If a man pays you what he owes, you're much +Beholden to him.--But, pray, why so sad? + +GETA. I?--You can scarce imagine in what dread. +What danger I am in. + +DAVUS. How so? + +GETA. I'll tell you, +So you will keep it secret. + +DAVUS. Away, fool! +The man whose faith in money you have tried, +D'ye fear to trust with words?--And to what end +Should I deceive you? + +GETA. List, then! + +DAVUS. I'm all ear. + +GETA. D'ye know our old man's elder brother, Chremes? + +DAVUS. Know him? aye, sure. + +GETA. You do?--And his son Phaedria? + +DAVUS. As well as I know you. + +GETA. It so fell out, +Both the old men were forc'd to journey forth +At the same season. He to Lemnos, ours +Into Cilicia, to an old acquaintance +Who had decoy'd the old curmudgeon thither +By wheedling letters, almost promising +Mountains of gold. + +DAVUS. To one that had so much +More than enough already? + +GETA. Prithee, peace! +Money's his passion. + +DAVUS. Oh, would I had been +A man of fortune, I! + +GETA. At their departure, +The two old gentlemen appointed me +A kind of governor to both their sons. + +DAVUS. A hard task, Geta! + +GETA. Troth, I found it so. +My angry Genius for my sins ordain'd it. +At first I took upon me to oppose: +In short, while I was trusty to th' old man, +The young one made my shoulders answer for it. + +DAVUS. So I suppose: for what a foolish task +To kick against the pricks! + +GETA. I then resolv'd +To give them their own way in every thing. + +DAVUS. Aye, then you made your market. + +GETA. Our young spark +Play'd no mad pranks at first: but Phaedria +Got him immediately a music-girl: +Fond of her to distraction! she belong'd +To a most avaricious, sordid pimp; +Nor had we aught to give;--th' old gentleman +Had taken care of that. Naught else remain'd, +Except to feed his eyes, to follow her, +To lead her out to school, and hand her home. +We too, for lack of other business, gave +Our time to Phaedria. Opposite the school, +Whither she went to take her lessons, stood +A barber's shop, wherein most commonly +We waited her return. Hither one day +Came a young man in tears: we were amaz'd, +And ask'd the cause. Never (said he, and wept) +Did I suppose the weight of poverty +A load so sad, _so_ insupportable, +As it appear'd but now.--I saw but now, +Not far from hence, a miserable virgin +Lamenting her dead mother. Near the corpse +She sat; nor friend, nor kindred, nor acquaintance, +Except one poor old woman, was there near +To aid the funeral. I pitied her: +Her beauty, too, was exquisite.--In short, +He mov'd us all: and Antipho at once +Cried, "Shall we go and visit her?"--Why, aye, +"I think so," said the other; "let us go!" +"Conduct us, if you please."--We went, arriv'd. +And saw her.--Beautiful she was indeed! +More justly to be reckon'd so, for she +Had no additions to set off her beauty. +Her hair dishevel'd, barefoot, woe-begone, +In tears, and miserably clad: that if +The life and soul of beauty had not dwelt +Within her very form, all these together +Must have extinguish'd it.--The spark, possess'd +Already with the music-girl, just cried, +"She's well enough."--But our young gentleman---- + +DAVUS. Fell, I suppose, in love. + +GETA. In love, indeed. +But mark the end! next day, away he goes +To the old woman straight, beseeching her +To let him have the girl.--"Not she, indeed! +Nor was it like a gentleman," she said, +"For him to think on't: She's a citizen, +An honest girl, and born of honest parents:---- +If he would marry her indeed, by law +He might do _that_; on no account, aught else." +--Our spark, distracted, knew not what to do: +At once he long'd to marry her, at once +Dreaded his absent father. + +DAVUS. Would not he, +Had he return'd, have giv'n consent? + +GETA. To wed +A girl of neither family nor fortune? +Never. + +DAVUS. What then? + +GETA. What then! There is a parasite, +One Phormio, a bold, enterprising fellow, +Who--all the Gods confound him!---- + +DAVUS. What did he? + +GETA. Gave us the following counsel.--"There's a law +That orphan Girls should wed their next of kin, +Which law obliges too their next of kin +To marry them."--I'll say that you're her kinsman, +And sue a writ against you. I'll pretend +To be her father's friend, and bring the cause +Before the judges. Who her father was, +Her mother who, and how she's your relation, +All this sham evidence I'll forge; by which +The cause will turn entirely in my favor. +You shall disprove no tittle of the charge; +So I succeed.--Your father will return; +Prosecute me;--what then?--The girl's our own." + +DAVUS. A pleasant piece of impudence! + +GETA. It pleas'd +Our spark at least: he put it into practice; +Came into court; and he was cast; and married. + +DAVUS. How say you? + +GETA. Just as you have heard. + +DAVUS. Oh Geta, +What will become of you? + +GETA. I don't know, faith. +But only this I know, what'er chance brings, +I'll patiently endure. + +DAVUS. Why, that's well said, +And like a man. + +GETA. All my dependence is +Upon myself. + +DAVUS. And that's the best. + +GETA. I might +Beg one indeed to intercede for me, +Who may plead thus--"Nay, pardon him this once! +But if he fails again, I've not a word +To say for him."--And well if he don't add, +"When I go hence e'en hang him!" + +DAVUS. What of him, +Gentleman-usher to the music-girl? +How goes he on? + +GETA. So, so! + +DAVUS. He has not much +To give, perhaps. + +GETA. Just nothing, but mere hope. + +DAVUS. His father too, is he return'd? + +GETA. Not yet. + +DAVUS. Nor your old man, when do you look for him? + +GETA. I don't know certainly: but I have heard +That there's a letter from him come to port, +Which I am going for. + +DAVUS. Would you aught else +With me, good Geta? + +GETA. Nothing, but farewell! (_Exit DAVUS._ +Ho, boy! what, nobody at home! (_Enter boy._) Take this +And give it Dorcium. (_Gives the Purse, and Exit._) + + [Changes: + + To marry them." + _close quote missing in Harper text_ + + You shall disprove no tittle of the charge + _Harper text reads "no title"_] + + +SCENE III. + + _ANTIPHO, PHAEDRIA._ + +ANT. Is it come to this? +My father, Phaedria!--my best friend!--That I +Should tremble, when I think of his return! +When, had I not been inconsiderate, +I, as 'tis meet, might have expected him. + +PHAED. What now? + +ANT. Is that a question? and from you? +Who know the atrocious fault I have committed? +Oh, that it ne'er had enter'd Phormio's mind +To give such counsel! nor to urge me on, +In the extravagance of blind desire, +To this rash act, the source of my misfortunes! +I should not have possess'd her: that indeed +Had made me wretched some few days.--But then +This constant anguish had not torn my mind.---- + +PHAED. I hear you. + +ANT. --While each moment I expect +His coming to divorce me. + +PHAED. Other men, +For lack of what they love, are miserable; +Abundance is your grievance. You're too rich +A lover, Antipho! For your condition +Is to be wish'd and pray'd for. Now, by Heaven, +Might I, so long as you have done, enjoy +My love, it were bought cheaply with my life. +How hard my lot, unsatisfied, unbless'd! +How happy yours, in full possession!--One +Of lib'ral birth, ingenuous disposition, +And honest fame, without expense, you've got: +The wife, whom you desir'd!--in all things bless'd, +But want the disposition to believe so. +Had you, like me, a scoundrel pimp to deal with, +Then you'd perceive--But sure 'tis in our nature +Never to be contented. + +ANT. Now to me, +Phaedria, 'tis you appear the happy man. +Still quite at large, free to consider still, +To keep, pursue, or quit her: I, alas! +Have so entangled and perplex'd myself, +That I can neither keep nor let her go. +--What now? isn't that our Geta, whom I see +Running this way?--'Tis he himself-- Ah me, +How do I fear what news he brings! + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter at a distance _GETA, _running._ + +GETA. Confusion! +A quick thought, Geta, or you're quite undone, +So many evils take you unprepar'd; +Which I know neither how to shun nor how +To extricate myself: for this bold stroke +Of ours can't long be hid. + +ANT. What's this confusion? + +GETA. Then I have scarce a moment's time to think. +My master is arriv'd. + +ANT. What mischief's that? + +GETA. Who, when he shall have heard it, by what art +Shall I appease his anger?--Shall I speak? +'Twill irritate him.--Hold my peace?--enrage him.---- +Defend myself?--impossible?--Oh, wretch! +Now for myself in pain, now Antipho +Distracts my mind.--But him I pity most; +For him I fear; 'tis he retains me here: +For, were it not for him, I'd soon provide +For my own safety--aye, and be reveng'd +On the old graybeard--carry something off, +And show my master a light pair of heels. + +ANT. What scheme to rob and run away is this? + +GETA. But where shall I find Antipho? where seek him? + +PHAED. He mentions you. + +ANT. I know not what, but doubt +That he's the messenger of some ill news. + +PHAED. Have you your wits? + +GETA. I'll home: he's chiefly there. + +PHAED. Let's call him back! + +ANT. Holloa, you! stop! + +GETA. Heyday! +Authority enough, be who you will. + +ANT. Geta! + +GETA (_turning_). The very man I wish'd to meet! + +ANT. Tell us, what news?--in one word, if you can. + +GETA. I'll do it. + +ANT. Speak! + +GETA. This moment at the port---- + +ANT. My father? + +GETA. Even so. + +ANT. Undone! + +PHAED. Heyday! + +ANT. What shall I do? + +PHAED. What say you? (_To GETA._) + +GETA. That I've seen +His father, Sir,--your uncle. + +ANT. How shall I, +Wretch that I am! oppose this sudden evil! +Should I be so unhappy to be torn +From thee, my Phanium, life's not worth my care. + +GETA. Since that's the case then, Antipho, you ought +To be the more upon your guard. + +ANT. Alas! +I'm not myself. + +GETA. But now you should be most so, Antipho. +For if your father should discern your fear, +He'll think you conscious of a fault. + +PHAED. That's true. + +ANT. I can not help it, nor seem otherwise. + +GETA. How would you manage in worse difficulties? + +ANT. Since I'm not equal to bear this, to those +I should be more unequal. + +GETA. This is nothing. +Pooh, Phaedria, let him go! why waste our time? +I will be gone. (_Going._) + +PHAED. And I. (_Going._) + +ANT. Nay, prithee, stay! +What if I should dissemble?--Will that do? + +(_Endeavoring to assume another air._ + +GETA. Ridiculous! + +ANT. Nay, look at me! will that +Suffice? + +GETA. Not it. + +ANT. Or this? + +GETA. Almost. + +ANT. Or this? + +GETA. Aye! now you've hit it. Do but stick to that; +Answer him boldly; give him hit for dash, +Nor let him bear you down with angry words. + +ANT. I understand you. + +GETA. "Forc'd"--"against your will"---- +"By law"--"by sentence of the court"--d'ye take me? +--But what old gentleman is that I see +At t'other end o' th' street? + +ANT. 'Tis he himself. +I dare not face him. (_Going._) + +GETA. Ah! what is't you do? +Where d'ye run, Antipho! stay, stay, I say. + +ANT. I know myself and my offense too well: +To you, then, I commend my life and love. (_Exit._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + At t'other end o' th' street? + ANT. 'Tis he himself. + _Colman 1768_ + Turning the corner of the street? + ANT. 'Tis he.] + + +SCENE V. + + _Manent PHAEDRIA and GETA._ + +PHAED. Geta, what now? + +GETA. You shall be roundly chid; +I soundly drubb'd; or I am much deceiv'd. +--But what e'en now we counsel'd Antipho, +It now behooves ourselves to practice, Phaedria. + +PHAED. Talk not of what behooves, but say at once +What you would have me do. + +GETA. Do you remember +The plea whereon you both agreed to rest, +At your first vent'ring on this enterprise? +"That Phormio's suit was just, sure, equitable, +Not to be controverted."---- + +PHAED. I remember. + +GETA. Now then that plea! or, if it's possible, +One better or more plausible. + +PHAED. I'll do't. + +GETA. Do you attack him first! I'll lie in ambush, +To reinforce you, if you give ground. + +PHAED. Well. (_They retire._) + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter DEMIPHO at another part of the stage._ + +DEM. How's this? a wife! what, Antipho! and ne'er +Ask my consent?--nor my authority---- +Or, grant we pass authority, not dread +My wrath at least?--To have no sense of shame? +--Oh, impudence!--Oh, Geta, rare adviser! + +GETA. Geta at last. + +DEM. What they will say to me, +Or what excuse they will devise, I wonder. + +GETA. Oh, we have settled that already: think +Of something else. + +DEM. Will he say this to me, +--"Against my will I did it"--"Forc'd by law"---- +--I hear you: I confess it. + +GETA. Very well. + +DEM. But conscious of the fraud, without a word +In answer or defense, to yield the cause +Tamely to your opponents--did the law +Force you to _that_ too? + +PHAED. That's home. + +GETA. Give me leave. +I'll manage it. + +DEM. I know not what to do: +This stroke has come so unawares upon me, +Beyond all expectation, past belief. +--I'm so enrag'd, I can't compose my mind +To think upon it.--Wherefore ev'ry man, +When his affairs go on most swimmingly, +Ev'n then it most behooves to arm himself +Against the coming storm: loss, danger, exile, +Returning ever let him look to meet; +His son in fault, wife dead, or daughter sick---- +All common accidents, and may have happen'd; +That nothing should seem new or strange. But if +Aught has fall'n out beyond his hopes, all that +Let him account clear gain. + +GETA. Oh, Phaedria, +'Tis wonderful how much a wiser man +I am than my old master. My misfortunes +I have consider'd well.--At his return +Doom'd to grind ever in the mill, beat, chain'd, +Or set to labor in the fields; of these +Nothing will happen new. If aught falls out +Beyond my hopes, all that I'll count clear gain. +--But why delay t'accost th' old gentleman, +And speak him fair at first? (_PHAEDRIA goes forward._) + +DEM. Methinks I see +My nephew Phaedria. + +PHAED. My good Uncle, welcome! + +DEM. Your servant!--But where's Antipho? + +PHAED. I'm glad +To see you safe---- + +DEM. Well, well!--But answer me. + +PHAED. He's well: hard by.--But have affairs turn'd out +According to your wishes? + +DEM. Would they had! + +PHAED. Why, what's the matter? + +DEM. What's the matter, Phaedria? +You've clapp'd up a fine marriage in my absence. + +PHAED. What! are you angry with him about that? + +GETA. Well counterfeited! + +DEM. Should I not be angry? +Let me but set eyes on him, he shall know +That his offenses have converted me +From a mild father to a most severe one. + +PHAED. He has done nothing, Uncle, to offend you. + +DEM. See, all alike! the whole gang hangs together: +Know one, and you know all. + +PHAED. Nay, 'tis not so. + +DEM. One does a fault, the other's hard at hand +To bear him out: when t'other slips, _he's_ ready: +Each in their turn! + +GETA. I' faith th' old gentleman +Has blunder'd on their humors to a hair. + +DEM. If 'twere not so, you'd not defend him, Phaedria. + +PHAED. If, Uncle, Antipho has done a wrong, +Or to his interest or reputation, +I am content he suffer as he may: +But if another, with malicious fraud, +Has laid a snare for unexperienced youth, +And triumph'd o'er it; can you lay the blame +On us, or on the judges, who oft take +Through envy from the rich, or from compassion +Add to the poor? + +GETA. Unless I knew the cause, +I should imagine this was truth he spoke. + +DEM. What judge can know the merits on your side, +When you put in no plea; as he has done? + +PHAED. He has behav'd like an ingenuous youth. +When he came into court, he wanted pow'r +To utter what he had prepar'd, so much +He was abash'd by fear and modesty. + +GETA. Oh brave!--But why, without more loss of time, +Don't I accost th' old man! (_Going up._) My master, welcome! +I am rejoic'd to see you safe return'd. + +DEM. What! my good master Governor! your slave! +The prop! the pillar of our family! +To whom, at my departure hence, I gave +My son in charge. + +GETA. I've heard you for some time +Accuse us all quite undeservedly, +And me, of all, most undeservedly. +For what could I have done in this affair? +A slave the laws will not allow to plead; +Nor can he be an evidence. + +DEM. I grant it. +Nay more--the boy was bashful--I allow it. +--You but a slave.--But if she had been prov'd +Ever so plainly a relation, why +Needed he marry her? and why not rather +Give her, according to the law, a portion, +And let her seek some other for a husband? +Why did he rather bring a beggar home? + +GETA. 'Twas not the thought, but money that was wanting. + +DEM. He might have borrow'd it! + +GETA. Have borrow'd it! +Easily said. + +DEM. If not to be had else, +On interest. + +GETA. Nay, now indeed you've hit it! +Who would advance him money in your life? + +DEM. Well, well, it shall not, and it can not be, +That I should suffer her to live with him +As wife a single day. There is no cause. +--Would I might see that fellow, or could tell +Where he resides! + +GETA. What, Phormio! + +DEM. The girl's Patron. + +GETA. He shall be with you straight. + +DEM. Where's Antipho? + +PHAED. Abroad. + +DEM. Go, Phaedria; find him, bring him here. + +PHAED. I'll go directly. (_Exit_ + +GETA (_aside_). Aye, to Pamphila. (_Exit_ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + DEM. If 'twere not so, you'd not defend him, Phaedria. + _Colman 1768_ + DEM. For, were't not so, you'd not defend him, Phaedria.] + + +SCENE VII. + + _DEMIPHO alone._ + +I'll home, and thank the Gods for my return: +Thence to the Forum, and convene some friends, +Who may be present at this interview, +That Phormio may not take me unprepar'd. (_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + + _PHORMIO, GETA._ + +PHOR. And Antipho, you say, has slunk away, +Fearing his father's presence? + +GETA. Very true. + +PHOR. Poor Phanium left alone? + +GETA. 'Tis even so. + +PHOR. And the old gentleman enrag'd! + +GETA. Indeed. + +PHOR. The sum of all then, Phormio, rests on you: +On you, and you alone. You've bak'd this cake; +E'en eat it for your pains. About it then! + +GETA. I do beseech you. + +PHOR. (_to himself._) What if he inquire?---- + +GETA. Our only hope's in you. + +PHOR. (_to himself_). I have it!--Then, +Suppose he offer to return the girl?---- + +GETA. You urg'd us to it. + +PHOR. (_to himself_). Aye! it shall be so. + +GETA. Assist us! + +PHOR. Let him come, old gentleman! +'Tis here: it is engender'd: I am arm'd +With all my counsels. + +GETA. What d'ye mean to do? + +PHOR. What would you have me do, unless contrive +That Phanium may remain, that Antipho +Be freed from blame, and all the old man's rage +Turn'd upon me? + +GETA. Brave fellow! friend indeed! +And yet I often tremble for you, Phormio, +Lest all this noble confidence of yours +End in the stocks at last. + +PHOR. Ah, 'tis not so. +I'm an old stager too, and know my road. +How many men d'ye think I've bastinadoed +Almost to death? Aliens and citizens? +The oft'ner, still the safer.--Tell me then, +Didst ever hear of actions for assault +And batt'ry brought against me? + +GETA. How comes that? + +PHOR. Because the net's not stretch'd to catch the hawk, +Or kite, who do us wrong; but laid for those +Who do us none at all: In them there's profit, +In those mere labor lost. Thus other men +May be in danger who have aught to lose; +I, the world knows, have nothing.--You will say, +They'll seize my person.--No, they won't maintain +A fellow of my stomach.--And they're wise, +In my opinion, if for injuries +They'll not return the highest benefit. + +GETA. It is impossible for Antipho +To give you thanks sufficient. + +PHOR. Rather say, +No man sufficiently can thank his patron. +You at free cost to come! anointed, bath'd, +Easy and gay! while he's eat up with care +And charge, to cater for your entertainment! +He gnaws his heart, you laugh; eat first, sit first, +And see a doubtful banquet plac'd before you! + +GETA. Doubtful! what phrase is that? + +PHOR. Where you're in doubt, +What you shall rather choose. Delights like these +When you but think how sweet, how dear, they are; +Him that affords them must you not suppose +A very deity? + +GETA. The old man's here. +Mind what you do! the first attack's the fiercest: +Sustain but that, the rest will be mere play. (_They retire._) + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + In those mere labor lost. Thus other men + _Colman 1768_ + In these mere labor lost. Thus other men] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter at a distance DEMIPHO--HEGIO, CRATINUS, CRITO, following._ + +DEM. Was ever man so grossly treated, think ye? +--This way, Sirs, I beseech you. + +GETA. He's enrag'd! + +PHOR. Hist! mind your cue: I'll work him. +--(_Coming forward, and speaking loud._) Oh, ye Gods! +Does he deny that Phanium's his relation? +What, Demipho! does Demipho deny +That Phanium is his kinswoman? + +GETA. He does. + +PHOR. And who her father was, he does not know? + +GETA. No. + +DEM. (_to the Lawyers_). Here's the very fellow, I believe, +Of whom I have been speaking.--Follow me! + +PHOR. (_aloud_). And that he does not know who Stilpho was? + +GETA. No. + +PHOR. Ah! because, poor thing, she's left in want, +Her father is unknown, and she despis'd. +What will not avarice do? + +GETA. If you insinuate +My master's avaricious, woe be to you! + +DEM. (_behind_). Oh impudence! he dares accuse me first. + +PHOR. As to the youth, I can not take offense, +If he had not much knowledge of him; since, +Now in the vale of years, in want, his work +His livelihood, he nearly altogether +Liv'd in the country: where he held a farm +Under my father. I have often heard +The poor old man complain that this his kinsman +Neglected him.--But what a man! A man +Of most exceeding virtue. + +GETA. Much at one: +Yourself and he you praise so much. + +PHOR. Away! +Had I not thought him what I've spoken of him, +I would not for his daughter's sake have drawn +So many troubles on our family, +Whom this old cuff now treats so scandalously. + +GETA. What, still abuse my absent master, rascal! + +PHOR. It is no more than he deserves. + +GETA. How, villain! + +DEM. Geta! (_Calling._) + +GETA. Rogue, robber, pettifogger! (_To PHORMIO pretending not to hear + DEMIPHO._) + +DEM. Geta! + +PHOR. Answer. (_Apart to GETA._) + +GETA (_turning_). Who's that?--Oh! + +DEM. Peace! + +GETA. Behind your back +All day without cessation has this knave +Thrown scurvy terms upon you, such as none +But men like him can merit. + +DEM. Well! have done. +(_Putting GETA by, then addressing PHORMIO._) +Young man! permit me first to ask one question. +And, if you please, vouchsafe to answer me. +--Who was this friend of yours? Explain! and how +Might he pretend that I was his relation? + +PHOR. So! you fish for't, as if you did not know. (_Sneeringly._) + +DEM. Know! I! + +PHOR. Aye; you. + +DEM. Not I: You that maintain +I ought, instruct me how to recollect. + +PHOR. What! not acquainted with your cousin? + +DEM. Plague! +Tell me his name. + +PHOR. His name? aye! + +DEM. Well, why don't you? + +PHOR. Confusion! I've forgot the name. (_Apart._) + +DEM. What say you? + +PHOR. Geta, if you remember, prompt me. + (_Apart to GETA._)--Pshaw, +I will not tell.--As if you did not know, +You're come to try me. (_Loud to DEMIPHO._) + +DEM. How! try you? + +GETA. Stilpho. (_Whispering PHORMIO._) + +PHOR. What is't to me?--Stilpho. + +DEM. Whom say you? + +PHOR. Stilpho: +Did you know Stilpho, Sir? + +DEM. I neither know him, +Nor ever had I kinsman of that name. + +PHOR. How! are you not asham'd?--But if, poor man, +Stilpho had left behind him an estate +Of some ten talents---- + +DEM. Out upon you! + +PHOR. Then +You would have been the first to trace your line +Quite from your grandsire and great grandsire. + +DEM. True. +Had I then come, I'd have explain'd at large +How she was my relation: so do you! +Say, how is she my kinswoman? + +GETA. Well said! +Master, you're right.--Take heed! (_Apart to PHORMIO._) + +PHOR. I have explain'd +All that most clearly, where I ought, in court. +If it were false, why did not then your son +Refute it? + +DEM. Do you tell me of my son? +Whose folly can't be spoke of as it ought. + +PHOR. But you, who are so wise, go seek the judge: +Ask sentence in the self-same cause again: +Because you're lord alone, and have alone +Pow'r to obtain judgment of the court +Twice in one cause. + +DEM. Although I have been wrong'd, +Yet, rather than engage in litigation, +And rather than hear you; as if she were +Indeed related to us, as the law +Ordains, I'll pay her dowry: take her hence, +And with her take five minae. + +PHOR. Ha! ha! ha! +A pleasant gentleman! + +DEM. Why, what's the matter? +Have I demanded any thing unjust? +Sha'n't I obtain this neither, which is law? + +PHOR. Is't even so, Sir?--Like a common harlot, +When you've abus'd her, does the law ordain +That you should pay her hire and whistle her off? +Or, lest a citizen through poverty +Bring shame upon her honor, does it order +That she be given to her next of kin +To pass her life with him? which you forbid. + +DEM. Aye; to her next of kin: But why to us; +Or wherefore? + +PHOR. Oh! that matter is all settled: +Think on't no more. + +DEM. Not think on't! I shall think +Of nothing else till there's an end of this. + +PHOR. Words, words! + +DEM. I'll make them good. + +PHOR. But, after all, +With you I have no business, Demipho! +Your son is cast, not you: for at your age +The coupling-time is over. + +DEM. Be assur'd +That all I've said he says: or I'll forbid +Him and this wife of his my house. + +GETA. He's angry. (_Apart._) + +PHOR. No; you'll think better on't. + +DEM. Are you resolv'd, +Wretch that you are, to thwart me ev'ry way? + + {_PHORMIO and GETA apart._} + +PHOR. He fears, though he dissembles. + +GETA. Well begun! + +PHOR. Well; but what can't be cur'd must be endur'd: +'Twere well, and like yourself, that we were friends. + +DEM. I! friend to you? or choose to see or hear you! + +PHOR. Do but agree with her, you'll have a girl +To comfort your old age. Your years, consider! + +DEM. Plague on your comfort! take her to yourself! + +PHOR. Ah! don't be angry! + +DEM. One word more, I've done. +See that you fetch away this wench, and soon, +Or I shall turn her headlong out o'doors. +So much for Phormio! + +PHOR. Offer but to touch her +In any other manner than beseems +A gentlewoman and a citizen, +And I shall bring a swinging writ against you. +So much for Demipho!--If I am wanted, +I am at home, d'ye hear? (_Apart to GETA._) + +GETA. I understand. (_Apart._) (_Exit PHORMIO._ + + +SCENE III. + +DEM. With how much care, and what solicitude, +My son affects me, with this wretched match +Having embroil'd himself and me! nor comes +Into my sight, that I might know at least +Or what he says, or thinks of this affair. +Go you, and see if he's come home or no. + +GETA. I'm gone. (_Exit._ + +DEM. You see, Sirs, how this matter stands. +What shall I do? Say, Hegio! + +HEGIO. Meaning me? +Cratinus, please you, should speak first. + +DEM. Say then, +Cratinus! + +CRA. Me d'ye question? + +DEM. You. + +CRA. Then I, +Whatever steps are best I'd have you take. +Thus it appears to me. Whate'er your son +Has in your absence done is null and void, +In law and equity.--And so you'll find. +That's my opinion. + +DEM. Say now, Hegio! + +HEGIO. He has, I think, pronounc'd most learnedly. +But so 'tis: many men, and many minds! +Each has his fancy: Now, in my opinion, +Whate'er is done by law can't be undone. +'Tis shameful to attempt it. + +DEM. Say you, Crito! + +CRITO. The case, I think, asks more deliberation. +'Tis a nice point. + +HEGIO. Would you aught else with us? + +DEM. You've utter'd oracles. (_Exeunt Lawyers._) I'm more uncertain +Now than I was before. + +_Re-enter GETA._ + +GETA. He's not return'd. + +DEM. My brother, as I hope, will soon arrive: +Whate'er advice he gives me, that I'll follow. +I'll to the Port, and ask when they expect him. (_Exit._ + +GETA. And I'll go find out Antipho, and tell him +All that has pass'd.--But here he comes in time. + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter at a distance ANTIPHO._ + +ANT. (_to himself_). Indeed, indeed, my Antipho, +You're much to blame, to be so poor in spirit. +What! steal away so guilty-like! and trust +Your life and safety to the care of others! +Would they be touch'd more nearly than yourself? +Come what come might of ev'ry thing beside, +Could you abandon the dear maid at home? +Could you so far deceive her easy faith, +And leave her to misfortune and distress? +Her, who plac'd all her hopes in you alone? + +GETA (_coming forward_). I' faith, Sir, we have thought you much + to blame +For your long absence.---- + +ANT. You're the very man +That I was looking for. + +GETA. --But ne'ertheless +We've miss'd no opportunity. + +ANT. Oh, speak! +How go my fortunes, Geta? has my father +Any suspicion that I was in league +With Phormio? + +GETA. Not a jot. + +ANT. And may I hope? + +GETA. I don't know. + +ANT. Ah! + +GETA. Unless that Phaedria +Did all he could do for you.---- + +ANT. Nothing new. + +GETA. --And Phormio has on all occasions else. +Prov'd himself a brave fellow. + +ANT. What did he? + +GETA. Out-swagger'd your hot father. + +ANT. Well said, Phormio! + +GETA. --I did the best I could too. + +ANT. Honest Geta, +I am much bounden to you all. + +GETA. Thus, Sir, +Stand things at present. As yet all is calm. +Your father means to wait your uncle's coming. + +ANT. For what? + +GETA. For his advice, as he propos'd; +By which he will be rul'd in this affair. + +ANT. How do I dread my uncle's coming, Geta. +Since by his sentence I must live or die! + +GETA. But here comes Phaedria. + +ANT. Where? + +GETA. From his old school. (_They retire._) + + +SCENE V. + + _Enter, from Dorio's, DORIO, PHAEDRIA following._ + +PHAED. Nay, hear me, Dorio! + +DORIO. Not I. + +PHAED. But a word! + +DORIO. Let me alone. + +PHAED. Pray hear me! + +DORIO. I am tir'd +With hearing the same thing a thousand times. + +PHAED. But what I'd say you would be glad to hear. + +DORIO. Speak then! I hear. + +PHAED. Can't I prevail on you +To stay but these three days?-- Nay, where d'ye go? + +DORIO. I should have wonder'd had you said aught new. + +ANT. (_behind_). This pimp, I fear, will work himself no +good. + +GETA. I fear so too. + +PHAED. Won't you believe me? + +DORIO. Guess. + +PHAED. Upon my honor. + +DORIO. Nonsense. + +PHAED. 'Tis a kindness +Shall be repaid with interest. + +DORIO. Words, words! + +PHAED. You'll be glad on't; you will, believe me. + +DORIO. Pshaw! + +PHAED. Try; 'tis not long. + +DORIO. You're in the same tune still. + +PHAED. My kinsman, parent, friend!---- + +DORIO. Aye, talk away. + +PHAED. Can you be so inflexible, so cruel. +That neither pity nor entreaties touch you? + +DORIO. And can you be so inconsiderate, +And so unconscionable, Phaedria, +To think that you can talk me to your purpose, +And wheedle me to give the girl for nothing? + +ANT. (_behind_). Poor Phaedria! + +PHAED. (_to himself_). Alas! he speaks the truth. + +GETA (_to ANTIPHO_). How well they each support their characters! + +PHAED. (_to himself_). Then that this evil should have come +upon me, +When Antipho was in the like distress! + +ANT. (_going up_). Ha! what now, Phaedria? + +PHAED. Happy, happy Antipho!---- + +ANT. I? + +PHAED. Who have her you love in your possession, +Nor e'er had plagues like these to struggle with! + +ANT. In my possession? yes, I have, indeed, +As the old saying goes, a wolf by th' ears: +For I can neither part with her nor keep her. + +DORIO. 'Tis just my case with him. + +ANT. (_to DORIO_). Thou thorough bawd! +--(_To PHAEDRIA._) What has he done? + +PHAED. Done?--The inhuman wretch +Has sold my Pamphila. + +GETA. What! sold her? + +ANT. Sold her? + +PHAED. Yes; sold her. + +DORIO (_laughing_). Sold her.--What a monstrous crime! +A wench he paid his ready money for. + +PHAED. I can't prevail upon him to wait for me, +And to stave off his bargain but three days; +Till I obtain the money from my friends, +According to their promise.--If I do not +Pay it you then, don't wait a moment longer. + +DORIO. You stun me. + +ANT. 'Tis a very little time +For which he asks your patience, Dorio. +Let him prevail on you; your complaisance +Shall be requited doubly. + +DORIO. Words; mere words! + +ANT. Can you then bear to see your Pamphila +Torn from this city, Phaedria?--Can you, Dorio, +Divide their loves + +DORIO. Nor I, nor you. + +GETA. Plague on you! + +DORIO (_to PHAEDRIA_). I have, against my natural disposition, +Borne with you several months, still promising, +Whimpering, and ne'er performing any thing: +Now, on the contrary, I've found a spark, +Who'll prove a ready-paymaster, no sniveler: +Give place then to your betters! + +ANT. Surely, Phaedria, +There was, if I remember, a day settled +That you should pay the money down. + +PHAED. There was. + +DORIO. Do I deny it? + +ANT. Is the day past? + +DORIO. No. +But this has come before it. + +ANT. Infamous! +Ar'n't you asham'd of such base treachery? + +DORIO. Not I, while I can get by't. + +GETA. Scavenger! + +PHAED. Is this just dealing, Dorio? + +DORIO. 'Tis my way: +So, if you like me, use me. + +ANT. Can you deceive him thus? + +DORIO. Nay, Antipho, +'Tis he deceives me: he was well aware +What kind of man I was, but I believ'd +Him diff'rent. He has disappointed me, +But I am still the same to him as ever. +However, thus much I can do for him; +The Captain promis'd to pay down the money +To-morrow morning. But now, Phaedria, +If you come first, I'll follow my old rule, +"The first to pay shall be first serv'd." Farewell. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE VI. + + _PHAEDRIA, ANTIPHO, GETA._ + +PHAED. What shall I do? Unhappy that I am, +How shall I, who am almost worse than nothing, +Raise such a sum so suddenly?--Alas! +Had I prevail'd on him to wait three days, +I had a promise of it. + +ANT. Shall we, Geta, +Suffer my Phaedria to be miserable? +My best friend Phaedria, who but now, you said, +Assisted me so heartily?--No--Rather +Let us, since there is need, return his kindness! + +GETA. It is but just, I must confess. + +ANT. Come then; +'Tis you alone can save him. + +GETA. By what means? + +ANT. Procure the money. + +GETA. Willingly: but whence? + +ANT. My father is arriv'd. + +GETA. He is: what then? + +ANT. A word to the wise, Geta! + +GETA. Say you so? + +ANT. Ev'n so. + +GETA. By Hercules, 'tis rare advice. +Are you there with me? will it not be triumph, +So I but 'scape a scouring for your match, +That you must urge me to run risks for him? + +ANT. He speaks the truth, I must confess. + +PHAED. How's that? +Am I a stranger to you, Geta? + +GETA. No: +Nor do I hold you such. But is it nothing +That the old man now rages at us all, +Unless we irritate him so much further +As to preclude all hopes to pacify him? + +PHAED. Shall then another bear her hence? Ah me! +Now then, while I remain, speak to me, Antipho. +Behold me! + +ANT. Wherefore? what is it you mean? + +PHAED. Wherever she's convey'd, I'll follow her; +Or perish. + +GETA. Heaven prosper your designs!-- +Gently, Sir, gently! + +ANT. See if you can help him. + +GETA. Help him! but how? + +ANT. Nay, think, invent, devise; +Lest he do something we repent of, Geta! + +GETA. I'm thinking. (_Pausing._)--Well then I believe, he's safe. +But I'm afraid of mischief. + +ANT. Never fear: +We'll bear all good and evil fortune with you. + +GETA. Tell me the sum you have occasion for. + +PHAED. But thirty minae. + +GETA. Thirty! monstrous, Phaedria! +She's very dear. + +PHAED. Dog-cheap. + +GETA. Well, say no more. +I'll get them for you. + +PHAED. O brave fellow! + +GETA. Hence! + +PHAED. But I shall want it now. + +GETA. You'll have it now. +But Phormio must assist me in this business. + +ANT. He's ready: lay what load you will upon him, +He'll bear it all; for he's a friend indeed. + +GETA. Let's to him quickly then! + +ANT. D'ye want my help? + +GETA. We've no occasion for you. Get you home +To the poor girl, who's almost dead with fear; +And see you comfort her.--Away! d'ye loiter? + +ANT. There's nothing I would do so willingly. (_Exit._ + +PHAED. But how will you effect this? + +GETA. I'll explain +That matter as we go along.--Away! (_Exeunt._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + That the old man now rages at us all + _Colman 1768_ + That Demipho now rages at us all] + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter DEMIPHO and CHREMES._ + +DEM. Well, Chremes, have you brought your daughter with you, +On whose account you went to Lemnos? + +CHREM. No. + +DEM. Why not? + +CHREM. It seems the mother, grown impatient, +Perceiving that I tarried here so long, +And that the girl's age brook'd not my delays, +Had journeyed here, they said, in search of me, +With her whole family. + +DEM. Appris'd of this, +What kept you there so long then? + +CHREM. A disease. + +DEM. How came it? what disease? + +CHREM. Is that a question? +Old age itself is a disease.--However, +The master of the ship, who brought them over, +Inform'd me of their safe arrival hither. + +DEM. Have you heard, Chremes, of my son's misfortune +During my absence? + +CHREM. Aye; and it confounds me. +For to another should I tender her, +I must relate the girl's whole history, +And whence arises my connection with her. +You I can trust as safely as myself: +But if a stranger courts alliance with me, +While we're new friends, he'll hold his peace perhaps, +But if he cools, he'll know too much of me. +Then I'm afraid my wife should know of this; +Which if she does, I've nothing else to do +But shake myself, and leave my house directly: +For I've no friend at home except myself. + +DEM. I know it; and 'tis that which touches me. +Nor are there any means I'll leave untried, +Till I have made my promise to you good. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + CHREM. It seems the mother, grown impatient + _Colman 1768_ + CHREM. Her mother grown, it seems, impatient + + Inform'd me of their safe arrival hither. + _Harper edition reads "safe arrival higher"_] + + +SCENE II. + + _Enter, at another part of the stage, GETA._ + +GETA (_to himself_). I never saw a more shrewd rogue than Phormio. +I came to let him know we wanted money, +With my advice for getting it; and scarce +Had I related half, but he conceiv'd me. +He was o'erjoy'd; commended me; demanded +To meet with Demipho; and thank'd the god; +That it was now the time to show himself +As truly Phaedria's friend as Antipho's. +I bade him wait us at the Forum; whither +I'd bring th' old gentleman.--And there he is! +--But who's the furthermost? Ha! Phaedria's father. +--Yet what was I afraid of, simpleton? +That I have got two dupes instead of one? +Is it not better that my hopes are doubled? +--I'll attack him, I first propos'd. If he +Answers my expectation, well: if not, +Why then have at you, uncle! + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + With my advice for getting it; and scarce + _Colman 1768_ + With my device for getting it; and scarce] + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter behind, ANTIPHO._ + +ANT. (_to himself_). I expect +Geta's arrival presently.--But see! +Yonder's my uncle with my father.--Ah! +How do I dread his influence! + +GETA. I'll to them. +Oh, good Sir Chremes! (_Going up._) + +CHREM. Save you, save you, Geta! + +GETA. I'm glad to see you safe arriv'd. + +CHREM. I thank you. + +GETA. How go affairs? + +CHREM. A world of changes here, +As usual at first coming home again. + +GETA. True. Have you heard of Antipho's affair? + +CHREM. The whole. + +GETA (_to DEMIPHO_). Did you inform him, Sir?--'Tis monstrous, Chremes, +To he so shamefully impos'd upon! + +DEM. 'Twas on that point I was just talking with him. + +GETA. And I too, having turn'd it in my thoughts, +Have found, I think, a remedy. + +DEM. How, Geta? +What remedy? + +GETA. On leaving you, by chance +I met with Phormio. + +CHREM. Who is Phormio? + +GETA. The girl's solicitor. + +CHREM. I understand. + +GETA. I thought within myself, "suppose I found him!" +And taking him aside, "Now prithee, Phormio, +Why don't you try to settle this affair +By fair means rather than by foul?" said I. +"My master is a generous gentleman, +And hates to go to law. For I assure you +His other friends advis'd him, to a man, +To turn this girl directly out o' doors." + +ANT. (_behind_). What does he mean? or where will all this end? + +GETA. "The law, you think, will give you damages +If he attempts to turn her out.--Alas! +He has good counsel upon that.--I' faith, +You'll have hot work if you engage with him; +He's such an orator!--But ev'n suppose +That you should gain your lawsuit, after all +The trial is not for his life, but money." +Perceiving him a little wrought upon, +And soften'd by this style of talking with him, +"Come now," continued I, "we're all alone. +Tell me, what money would you take in hand +To drop your lawsuit, take away the girl, +And trouble us no farther!" + +ANT. (_behind_). Is he mad? + +GETA. --"For I am well convinc'd, that if your terms +Are not extravagant and wild indeed, +My master's such a worthy gentleman, +You will not change three words between you." + +DEM. Who +Commission'd you to say all this? + +CHREM. Nay, nay, +Nothing could be more happy to effect +The point we labor at. + +ANT. (_behind_). Undone! + +CHREM. (_to GETA_). Go on. + +GETA. At first he rav'd. + +DEM. Why, what did he demand? + +GETA. Too much: as much as came into his head. + +CHREM. Well, but the sum? + +GETA. He talk'd of a great talent. + +DEM. Plague on the rascal! what! has he no shame? + +GETA. The very thing I said to him.--"Suppose +He was to portion out an only daughter, +What could he give her more?--He profits little, +Having no daughter of his own; since one +Is found to carry off a fortune from him." +--But to be brief, and not to dwell upon +All his impertinences, he at last +Gave me this final answer.--"From the first, +I wish'd," said he, "as was indeed most fit, +To wed the daughter of my friend myself. +For I was well aware of her misfortune; +That, being poor, she would be rather given +In slavery, than wedlock, to the rich. +But I was forc'd, to tell you the plain truth, +To take a woman with some little fortune, +To pay my debts: and still, if Demipho +Is willing to advance as large a sum +As I'm to have with one I'm now engag'd to. +There is no wife I'd rather take than her." + +ANT. (_behind_). Whether through malice or stupidity, +He is rank knave or fool, I can not tell. + +DEM. (_to GETA_). What, if he owes his soul? + +GETA. "I have a farm," +Continued he, "that's mortgag'd for ten minae." + +DEM. Well, let him take her then: I'll pay the money. + +GETA. "A house for ten more." + +DEM. Huy! huy! that's too much. + +CHREM. No noise! demand those ten of me. + +GETA. "My wife +Must buy a maid; some little furniture +Is also requisite; and some expense +To keep our wedding: all these articles," +Continues he, "we'll reckon at ten minae." + +DEM. No; let him bring a thousand writs against me. +I'll give him nothing. What! afford the villain +An opportunity to laugh at me? + +CHREM. Nay, but be pacified! I'll pay the money. +Only do you prevail upon your son +To marry her whom we desire. + +ANT. (_behind_). Ah me! +Geta, your treachery has ruin'd me. + +CHREM. She's put away on my account: 'tis just +That I should pay the money. + +GETA. "Let me know," +Continues he, "as soon as possible, +Whether they mean to have me marry her; +That I may part with t'other, and be certain. +For t'other girl's relations have agreed +To pay the portion down immediately." + +CHREM. He shall be paid this too immediately. +Let him break off with her, and take this girl! + +DEM. Aye, and the plague go with him! + +CHREM. Luckily +It happens I've some money here; the rents +Of my wife's farms at Lemnos. I'll take that; (_to DEMIPHO_) +And tell my wife that you had need of it. (_Exeunt._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + DEM. No; let him bring a thousand writs against me. + _Colman 1768_ + DEM. No; let him bring ten thousand writs against me. + + _Colman's note on this passage says in part: "I have ... rendered + the _sexcentas_ of Terence by _Ten Thousand_, as being most agreeable + to the English idiom, as well as the Greek."_] + + +SCENE IV. + + _Manent ANTIPHO, GETA._ + +ANT. (_coming forward_). Geta! + +GETA. Ha, Antipho! + +ANT. What have you done! + +GETA. Trick'd the old bubbles of their money. + +ANT. Well, +Is that sufficient, think ye? + +GETA. I can't tell. +'Twas all my orders. + +ANT. Knave, d'ye shuffle with me? (_Kicks him._) + +GETA. Plague! what d'ye mean? + +ANT. What do I mean, Sirrah! +You've driven me to absolute perdition. +All pow'rs of heav'n and hell confound you for't, +And make you an example to all villains! +--Here! would you have your business duly manag'd, +Commit it to this fellow!--What could be +More tender than to touch upon this sore, +Or even name my wife? my father's fill'd +With hopes that she may be dismiss'd.--And then, +If Phormio gets the money for the portion, +He, to be sure, must marry her.--And what +Becomes of me then? + +GETA. He'll not marry her. + +ANT. Oh, no: but when they redemand the money, +On my account he'll rather go to jail! (_Ironically._) + +GETA. Many a tale is spoiled in telling, Antipho. +You take out all the good, and leave the bad. +--Now hear the other side--If he receives +The money, he must wed the girl: I grant it. +But then some little time must be allow'd +For wedding-preparation, invitation, +And sacrifices.--Meanwhile, Phaedria's friends +Advance the money they have promis'd him: +Which Phormio shall make use of for repayment. + +ANT. How so? what reason can he give? + +GETA. What reason? +A thousand.--"Since I made this fatal bargain, +Omens and prodigies have happen'd to me. +There came a strange black dog into my house! +A snake fell through the tiling! a hen crow'd! +The Soothsayer forbade it! The Diviner +Charg'd me to enter on no new affair +Before the winter."--All sufficient reasons. +Thus it shall be. + +ANT. Pray Heav'n it may be! + +GETA. It shall. +Depend on me:--But here's your father.--Go; +Tell Phaedria that the money's safe. (_Exit ANTIPHO._ + + +SCENE V. + + _Re-enter DEMIPHO and CHREMES._ + +DEM. Nay, peace! +I'll warrant he shall play no tricks upon us: +I'll not part rashly with it, I assure you; +But pay it before witnesses, reciting +To whom 'tis paid, and why 'tis paid. + +GETA. How cautious, +Where there is no occasion! (_Aside._) + +CHREM. You had need. +But haste, dispatch it while the fit's upon him: +For if the other party should be pressing, +Perhaps he'll break with us. + +GETA. You've hit it, Sir. + +DEM. Carry me to him then. + +GETA. I wait your pleasure. + +CHREM. (_to DEMIPHO_). When this is done, step over to my wife, +That she may see the girl before she goes; +And tell her, to prevent her being angry, +"That we've agreed to marry her to Phormio, +Her old acquaintance, and a fitter match; +That we have not been wanting in our duty, +But giv'n as large a portion as he ask'd." + +DEM. Pshaw! what's all this to you? + +CHREM. A great deal, brother. + +DEM. Is't not sufficient to have done your duty, +Unless the world approves it? + +CHREM. I would choose +To have the whole thing done by her consent, +Lest she pretend she was turn'd out o' doors. + +DEM. Well, I can say all this to her myself. + +CHREM. A woman deals much better with a woman. + +DEM. I'll ask your wife to do it then. (_Exeunt DEMIPHO and GETA._ + +CHREM. I'm thinking +Where I shall find these women now. + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + Lest she pretend she was turn'd out o' doors. + _Colman 1768_ + Lest she pretend we turn'd her out o' doors.] + + +SCENE VI. + + _Enter SOPHRONA at a distance._ + +SOPH. (_to herself_). Alas! +What shall I do, unhappy as I am? +Where find a friend? to whom disclose this story? +Of whom beseech assistance?--For I fear +My mistress will sustain some injury +From following my counsel: the youth's father, +I hear, is so offended at this marriage. + +CHREM. Who's this old woman, coming from my brother's, +That seems so terrified? + +SOPH. (_to herself_). 'Twas poverty +Compell'd me to this action: though I knew +This match would hardly hold together long, +Yet I advis'd her to it, that meanwhile +She might not want subsistence. + +CHREM. Surely, surely, +Either my mind deceives me, or my eyes fail me, +Or that's my daughter's nurse. + +SOPH. Nor can we find---- + +CHREM. What shall I do? + +SOPH. --Her father out. + +CHREM. Were't best +I should go up to her, or wait a little, +To gather something more from her discourse? + +SOPH. Could he be found, my fears were at an end. + +CHREM. 'Tis she. I'll speak with her. + +SOPH. (_overhearing_). Whose voice is that? + +CHREM. Sophrona! + +SOPH. Ha! my name too? + +CHREM. Look this way. + +SOPH. (_turning_). Good Heav'n have mercy on us! Stilpho! + +CHREM. No. + +SOPH. Deny your own name? + +CHREM. (_in a low voice_). This way, Sophrona!---- +--A little further from that door!--this way!---- +And never call me by that name, I charge you. + +SOPH. What, ar'n't you then the man you said you was? (_Aloud._) + +CHREM. Hist! hist! + +SOPH. What makes you fear those doors so much? + +CHREM. I have a fury of a wife within: +And formerly I went by that false name, +Lest she should indiscreetly blab it out, +And so my wife might come to hear of this. + +SOPH. Ah! thus it was, that we, alas! poor souls, +Could never find you out here. + +CHREM. Well, but tell me, +What business have you with that family? (_Pointing._) +--Where is your mistress and her daughter? + +SOPH. Ah! + +CHREM. What now? are they alive? + +SOPH. The daughter is: +The mother broke her heart with grief. + +CHREM. Alas! + +SOPH. And I a poor, unknown, distress'd old woman, +Endeavoring to manage for the best, +Contriv'd to match the virgin to a youth, +Son to the master of this house. + +CHREM. To Antipho? + +SOPH. The very same. + +CHREM. What! has he two wives then? + +SOPH. No, mercy on us! he has none but her. + +CHREM. What is the other then, who, they pretend, +Is a relation to him? + +SOPH. This is she. + +CHREM. How say you? + +SOPH. It was all a mere contrivance: +That he, who was in love, might marry her +Without a portion. + +CHREM. O ye powers of heav'n, +How often fortune blindly brings about +More than we dare to hope for! Coming home, +I've found my daughter, even to my wish, +Match'd to the very person I desir'd. +What we have both been laboring to effect, +Has this poor woman all alone accomplish'd. + +SOPH. But now consider what is to be done! +The bridegroom's father is return'd; and he, +They say, is much offended at this marriage. + +CHREM. Be of good comfort: there's no danger there. +But, in the name of heav'n and earth, I charge you, +Let nobody discover she's my daughter. + +SOPH. None shall discover it from me. + +CHREM. Come then! +Follow me in, and you shall hear the rest. (_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _DEMIPHO, GETA._ + +DEM. 'Tis our own fault that we encourage rogues, +By overstraining the due character +Of honesty and generosity. +"Shoot not beyond the mark," the proverb goes. +Was't not enough that he had done us wrong, +But we must also throw him money too, +To live till he devises some new mischief? + +GETA. Very right! + +DEM. Knavery's now its own reward. + +GETA. Very true! + +DEM. How like fools have we behav'd! + +GETA. So as he keeps his word, and takes the girl, +'Tis well enough. + +DEM. Is that a doubt at present? + +GETA. A man, you know, may change his mind. + +DEM. How! change? + +GETA. That I can't tell: but, if perhaps, I say. + +DEM. I'll now perform my promise to my brother, +And bring his wife to talk to the young woman. +You, Geta, go before, and let her know +Nausistrata will come and speak with her. (_Exit DEMIPHO._ + + +SCENE II. + + _GETA alone._ + +The money's got for Phaedria: all is hush'd: +And Phanium is not to depart as yet. +What more then? where will all this end at last? +--Alas! you're sticking in the same mire still: +You've only chang'd hands, Geta. The disaster +That hung but now directly over you, +Delay perhaps will bring more heavy on you. +You're quite beset, unless you look about. +--Now then I'll home; to lesson Phanium, +That she mayn't stand in fear of Phormio, +Nor dread this conf'rence with Nausistrata. (_Exit._ + + +SCENE III. + + _Enter DEMIPHO and NAUSISTRATA._ + +DEM. Come then, Nausistrata, afford us now +A little of your usual art, and try +To put this woman in good humor with us; +That what is done she may do willingly. + +NAUS. I will. + +DEM. And now assist us with your counsel, +As with your cash a little while ago. + +NAUS. With all my heart: and I am only sorry +That 'tis my husband's fault I can't do more. + +DEM. How so? + +NAUS. Because he takes such little care +Of the estate my father nurs'd so well: +For from these very farms he never fail'd +To draw two talents by the year. But ah! +What difference between man and man! + +DEM. Two talents? + +NAUS. Aye--in worse times than these--and yet two talents? + +DEM. Huy! + +NAUS. What, are you surpris'd? + +DEM. Prodigiously. + +NAUS. Would I had been a man! I'd show---- + +DEM. No doubt. + +NAUS. --By what means---- + +DEM. Nay, but spare yourself a little +For the encounter with the girl: lest she, +Flippant and young, may weary you too much. + +NAUS. --Well, I'll obey your orders: but I see +My husband coming forth. + + +SCENE IV. + + _Enter CHREMES, hastily._ + +CHREM. Ha! +Has Phormio had the money yet? + +DEM. I paid him +Immediately. + +CHREM. I'm sorry for't.-- (_Seeing NAUSISTRATA._)--My wife! +I'd almost said too much. (_Aside._) + +DEM. Why sorry, Chremes? + +CHREM. Nothing.--No matter. + +DEM. Well, but hark ye, Chremes! +Have you been talking with the girl, and told her +Wherefore we bring your wife? + +CHREM. I've settled it. + +DEM. Well, and what says she? + +CHREM. 'Tis impossible +To send her hence. + +DEM. And why impossible? + +CHREM. Because they are both so fond of one another. + +DEM. What's that to us? + +CHREM. A great deal. And besides, +I have discover'd she's related to us. + +DEM. Have you your wits? + +CHREM. 'Tis so. I'm very serious. +--Nay, recollect a little! + +DEM. Are you mad? + +NAUS. Good now, beware of wronging a relation! + +DEM. She's no relation to us. + +CHREM. Don't deny it. +Her father had assum'd another name, +And that deceiv'd you. + +DEM. What! not know her father? + +CHREM. Perfectly. + +DEM. Why did she misname him then? + +CHREM. Won't you be rul'd, nor understand me then? + +DEM. What can I understand from nothing? + +CHREM. Still? (_Impatiently._) + +NAUS. I can't imagine what this means. + +DEM. Nor I. + +CHREM. Would you know all?--Why then, so help me Heaven, +She has no nearer kindred in the world +Than you and I. + +DEM. Oh, all ye powers of heaven! +--Let us go to her then immediately: +I would fain know, or not know, all at once. (_Going._) + +CHREM. Ah! (_Stopping him._) + +DEM. What's the matter? + +CHREM. Can't you trust me then? + +DEM. Must I believe it? take it upon trust? +--Well, be it so!--But what is to be done +With our friend's daughter? + +CHREM. Nothing. + +DEM. Drop her? + +CHREM. Aye. + +DEM. And keep this? + +CHREM. Aye. + +DEM. Why then, Nausistrata, +You may return. We need not trouble you. + +NAUS. Indeed, I think, 'tis better on all sides, +That you should keep her here, than send her hence. +For she appear'd to me, when first I saw her, +Much of a gentlewoman. (_Exit NAUSISTRATA._ + + [Changes: + + _Harper_ + CHREM. Ha! + _Colman 1768_ + CHREM. Ha! Demipho!] + + +SCENE V. + + _Manent DEMIPHO and CHREMES._ + +DEM. What means this? + +CHREM. (_looking after NAUSISTRATA_). Is the door shut? + +DEM. It is. + +CHREM. O Jupiter! +The Gods take care of us. I've found my daughter +Married to your son. + +DEM. Ha! how could it be? + +CHREM. It is not safe to tell you here. + +DEM. Step in then. + +CHREM. But hark ye, Demipho!--I would not have +Even our very sons inform'd of this. (_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE VI. + + _ANTIPHO alone._ + +I'm glad, however my affairs proceed, +That Phaedria's have succeeded to his mind. +How wise to foster such desires alone, +As, although cross'd, are easily supplied! +Money, once found, sets Phaedria at his ease; +But my distress admits no remedy. +For, if the secret's kept, I live in fear; +And if reveal'd, I am expos'd to shame. +Nor would I now return, but in the hope +Of still possessing her.--But where is Geta? +That I may learn of him the fittest time +To meet my father. + + +SCENE VII. + + _Enter, at a distance, PHORMIO._ + +PHOR. (_to himself_). I've receiv'd the money; +Paid the procurer; carried off the wench; +Who's free, and now in Phaedria's possession. +One thing alone remains to be dispatch'd; +To get a respite from th' old gentlemen +To tipple some few days, which I must spend +In mirth and jollity. + +ANT. But yonder's Phormio.-- (_Goes up._) +What now? + +PHOR. Of what? + +ANT. What's Phaedria about? +How does he mean to take his fill of love? + +PHOR. By acting your part in his turn. + +ANT. What part? + +PHOR. Flying his father's presence.--And he begs +That you'd act his, and make excuses for him; +For he intends a drinking-bout with me. +I shall pretend to the old gentlemen +That I am going to the fair at Sunium, +To buy the servant-maid that Geta mention'd: +Lest, finding I am absent, they suspect +That I am squandering the sum they paid me. +--But your door opens. + +ANT. Who comes here? + +PHOR. 'Tis Geta. + + +SCENE VIII. + + _Enter hastily, at another part of the stage, GETA._ + +GETA. O fortune, O best fortune, what high blessings, +What sudden, great, and unexpected joys +Hast thou shower'd down on Antipho to-day!---- + +ANT. What can this be he's so rejoic'd about? + +GETA. --And from what fears deliver'd us, his friends? +--But wherefore do I loiter thus? and why +Do I not throw my cloak upon my shoulder, +And haste to find him out, that he may know +All that has happen'd? + +ANT. (_to PHORMIO_). Do you comprehend +What he is talking of? + +PHOR. Do you? + +ANT. Not I. + +PHOR. I'm just as wise as you. + +GETA. I'll hurry hence +To the procurer's.--I shall find them there. (_Going._) + +ANT. Ho, Geta! + +GETA. Look ye there!--Is't new or strange, +To be recall'd when one's in haste? (_Going._) + +ANT. Here, Geta! + +GETA. Again? bawl on! I'll ne'er stop. (_Going on._) + +ANT. Stay, I say! + +GETA. Go, and be drubb'd! + +ANT. You shall, I promise you, +Unless you stop, you rascal! + +GETA (_stopping_). Hold, hold, Geta! +Some intimate acquaintance this, be sure, +Being so free with you.--But is it he +That I am looking for, or not?--'Tis he. + +PHOR. Go up immediately. (_They go up to GETA._) + +ANT. (_to GETA_). What means all this? + +GETA. O happy man! the happiest man on earth! +So very happy, that, beyond all doubt, +You are the God's chief fav'rite, Antipho. + +ANT. Would I were! but your reason. + +GETA. Is't enough +To plunge you over head and ears in joy? + +ANT. You torture me. + +PHOR. No promises! but tell us +What is your news? + +GETA. Oh, Phormio! are you here? + +PHOR. I am: but why d'ye trifle? + +GETA. Mind me then! (_To PHORMIO._) +No sooner had we paid you at the Forum, +But we return'd directly home again. +--Arriv'd, my master sends me to your wife. (_To ANTIPHO._) + +ANT. For what? + +GETA. No matter now, good Antipho. +I was just entering the women's lodging, +When up runs little Mida; catches me +Hold by the cloak behind, and pulls me back. +I turn about, and ask why he detains me. +He told me, "Nobody must see his mistress: +For Sophrona," says he, "has just now brought +Demipho's brother, Chremes, here; and he +Is talking with the women now within." +--When I heard this, I stole immediately +On tip-toe tow'rd the door; came close; stood hush; +Drew in my breath; applied my ear; and thus, +Deep in attention, catch'd their whole discourse. + +ANT. Excellent, Geta! + +GETA. Here I overheard +The pleasantest adventure! On my life, +I scarce refrain'd from crying out for joy. + +ANT. What? + +GETA. What d'ye think? (_Laughing._) + +ANT. I can't tell, + +GETA. Oh! it was (_laughing._) +Most wonderful!--most exquisite!--your uncle +Is found to be the father of your wife. + +ANT. How! what? + +GETA. He had a sly intrigue, it seems, +With Phanium's mother formerly at Lemnos. (_Laughing._) + +PHOR. Nonsense! as if she did not know her father! + +GETA. Nay, there's some reason for it, Phormio, +You may be sure.--But was it possible +For me, who stood without, to comprehend +Each minute circumstance that pass'd within? + +ANT. I have heard something of this story too. + +GETA. Then, Sir, to settle your belief the more, +At last out comes your uncle; and soon after +Returns again, and carries in your father. +Then they both said, they gave their full consent +That you should keep your Phanium.--In a word, +I'm sent to find you out, and bring you to them. + +ANT. Away with me then instantly! D'ye linger? + +GETA. Not I. Away! + +ANT. My Phormio, fare you well! + +PHOR. Fare you well, Antipho! (_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE IX. + + _PHORMIO alone._ + +Well done, 'fore Heaven! +I'm overjoy'd to see so much good fortune +Fallen thus unexpectedly upon them: +I've now an admirable opportunity +To bubble the old gentlemen, and ease +Phaedria of all his cares about the money; +So that he need not be oblig'd to friends. +For this same money, though it will be given, +Will yet come from them much against the grain; +But I have found a way to force them to't. +--Now then I must assume a grander air, +And put another face upon this business. +--I'll hence a while into the next by-alley, +And pop upon them as they're coming forth. +--As for the trip I talk'd of to the fair, +I sha'n't pretend to take that journey now. (_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + _Enter DEMIPHO and CHREMES--and soon after, on t'other side, PHORMIO._ + +DEM. Well may we thank the gracious Gods, good brother, +That all things have succeeded to our wish. +--But now let's find out Phormio with all speed, +Before he throws away our thirty minae. + +PHOR. (_pretending not to see him_). +I'll go and see if Demipho's at home, +That I may---- + +DEM. (_meeting him_).--We were coming to you, Phormio. + +PHOR. On the old score, I warrant. + +DEM. Aye. + +PHOR. I thought so. +--Why should you go to me?--ridiculous! +Was you afraid I'd break my contract with you? +No, no! how great soe'er my poverty, +I've always shown myself a man of honor. + + {_CHREMES and DEMIPHO apart._} + +CHREM. Has not she, as I said, a liberal air? + +DEM. She has. + +PHOR. --And therefore I was coming, Demipho, +To let you know I'm ready to receive +My wife whene'er you please. For I postpon'd +All other business, as indeed I ought, +Soon as I found ye were so bent on this. + +DEM. Aye, but my brother has dissuaded me +From going any further in this business. +"For how will people talk of it?" says he: +"At first you might have done it handsomely; +But then you'd not consent to it; and now, +After cohabitation with your son, +To think of a divorce is infamous." +--In short, he urg'd almost the very things +That you so lately charg'd me with yourself. + +PHOR. You trifle with me, gentlemen. + +DEM. How so? + +PHOR. How so? Because I can not marry t'other, +With whom I told you I was first in treaty. +For with what face can I return to her +Whom I have held in such contempt? + +CHREM. Tell him +Antipho does not care to part with her. (_Prompting DEMIPHO._) + +DEM. And my son too don't care to part with her: +--Step to the Forum then, and give an order +For the repayment of our money, Phormio. + +PHOR. What! when I've paid it to my creditors? + +DEM. What's to be done then? + +PHOR. Give me but the wife +To whom you have betroth'd me, and I'll wed her. +But if you'd rather she should stay with you, +The portion stays with me, good Demipho, +For 'tis not just I should be bubbled by you; +When, to retrieve your honor, I've refus'd +Another woman with an equal fortune. + +DEM. A plague upon your idle vaporing, +You vagabond!--D'ye fancy we don't know you? +You, and your fine proceedings? + +PHOR. You provoke me. + +DEM. Why, would you marry her, if proffer'd? + +PHOR. Try me. + +DEM. What! that my son may keep her privately +At your house?--That was your intention. + +PHOR. Ha! +What say you, Sir? + +DEM. Give me my money, Sirrah! + +PHOR. Give me my wife, I say. + +DEM. To justice with him! + +PHOR. To justice? Now, by Heaven, gentlemen, +If you continue to be troublesome---- + +DEM. What will you do? + +PHOR. What will I do? Perhaps +You think that I can only patronize +Girls without portion; but be sure of this, +I've some with portions too. + +CHREM. What's that to us? + +PHOR. Nothing.--I know a lady here whose husband---- + +CHREM. Ha! (_Carelessly._) + +DEM. What's the matter? + +PHOR. --Had another wife +At Lemnos. + +CHREM. (_aside_). I'm a dead man. + +PHOR. --By which other +He had a daughter; whom he now brings up +In private. + +CHREM. (_aside_). Dead and buried. + +PHOR. This I'll tell her. (_Going toward the house._) + +CHREM. Don't, I beseech you! + +PHOR. Oh! are you the man? + +DEM. Death! how insulting! + +CHREM. (_to PHORMIO_). We discharge you. + +PHOR. Nonsense! + +CHREM. What would you more? The money you have got +We will forgive you. + +PHOR. Well; I hear you now. +--But what a plague d'ye mean by fooling thus, +Acting and talking like mere children with me? +--I won't; I will: I will; I won't again:---- +Give, take; say, unsay; do, and then undo. + +CHREM. (_to DEMIPHO_). Which way could he have learn'd this? + +DEM. I don't know; +But I am sure I never mention'd it. + +CHREM. Good now! amazing! + +PHOR. I have ruffled them. (_Aside._) + +DEM. What! shall he carry off so large a sum, +And laugh at us so openly?--By Heaven, +I'd rather die.--Be of good courage, brother! +Pluck up the spirit of a man! You see +This slip of yours is got abroad; nor can you +Keep it a secret from your wife. Now, therefore, +'Tis more conducive to your peace, good Chremes, +That we should fairly tell it her ourselves, +Than she should hear the story from another. +And then we shall be quite at liberty +To take our own revenge upon this rascal. + +PHOR. Ha!--If I don't take care I'm ruin'd still. +They're growing desperate, and making tow'rd me +With a determin'd gladiatorial air. + +CHREM. (_to DEMIPHO_). I fear she'll ne'er forgive me. + +DEM. Courage, Chremes! +I'll reconcile her to't; especially +The mother being dead and gone. + +PHOR. Is this +Your dealing, gentlemen? You come upon me +Extremely cunningly.--But, Demipho, +You have but ill consulted for your brother, +To urge me to extremities.--And you, Sir (_to CHREMES_), +When you have play'd the whoremaster abroad; +Having no reverence for your lady here, +A woman of condition; wronging her +After the grossest manner; come you now +To wash away your crimes with mean submission? +No.--I will kindle such a flame in her, +As, though you melt in tears, you sha'n't extinguish. + +DEM. A plague upon him! was there ever man +So very impudent?--A knave! he ought +To be transported at the public charge +Into some desert. + +CHREM. I am so confounded, +I know not what to do with him. + +DEM. I know. +Bring him before a judge! + +PHOR. Before a judge? +A lady-judge; in here, Sirs, if you please. + +DEM. Run you and hold him, while I call her servants. + +CHREM. I can not by myself; come up and help me. + +PHOR. I have an action of assault against you. (_To DEMIPHO._) + +CHREM. Bring it! + +PHOR. Another against you too, Chremes! + +DEM. Drag him away! (_Both lay hold of him._) + +PHOR. (_struggling_). Is that your way with me! +Then I must raise my voice.--Nausistrata! +Come hither. + +CHREM. Stop his mouth! + +DEM. (_struggling_). A sturdy rogue! +How strong he is! + +PHOR. (_struggling_). Nausistrata, I say. +Nausistrata! + +CHREM. (_struggling_). Peace, Sirrah! + +PHOR. Peace, indeed! + +DEM. Unless he follows, strike him in the stomach! + +PHOR. Aye, or put out an eye!--But here comes one +Will give me full revenge upon you both. + + +SCENE II. + + _To them NAUSISTRATA._ + +NAUS. Who calls for me? + +CHREM. Confusion! + +NAUS. (_to CHREMES_). Pray, my dear, +What's this disturbance? + +PHOR. Dumb, old Truepenny! + +NAUS. Who is this man?--Why don't you answer me? (_To CHREMES._) + +PHOR. He answer you! he's hardly in his senses. + +CHREM. Never believe him! + +PHOR. Do but go and touch him; +He's in a shivering fit, I'll lay my life. + +CHREM. Nay---- + +NAUS. But what means he then? + +PHOR. I'll tell you, madam; +Do but attend! + +CHREM. Will you believe him then? + +NAUS. What is there to believe, when he says nothing? + +PHOR. Poor man! his fear deprives him of his wits. + +NAUS. (_to CHREMES_). I'm sure you're not so much afraid +for nothing. + +CHREM. What! I afraid? (_Endeavoring to take heart._) + +PHOR. Oh, not at all!--And since +You're in no fright, and what I say means nothing, +Tell it yourself. + +DEM. At your desire, you rascal? + +PHOR. Oh, you've done rarely for your brother, Sir! + +NAUS. What! Won't you tell me, husband? + +CHREM. But---- + +NAUS. But what? + +CHREM. There's no occasion for it. + +PHOR. Not for you: +But for the Lady there is much occasion. +In Lemnos---- + +CHREM. Ha! what say you? + +DEM. (_to PHORMIO_). Hold your peace! + +PHOR. Without your knowledge---- + +CHREM. Oh dear! + +PHOR. He has had +Another wife. + +NAUS. My husband? Heav'n forbid! + +PHOR. 'Tis even so. + +NAUS. Ah me! I am undone. + +PHOR. --And had a daughter by her there; while you +Was left to sleep in ignorance alone. + +NAUS. Oh Heavens!--Baseness!--Treachery! + +PHOR. 'Tis fact. + +NAUS. Was ever any thing more infamous? +When they're with us, their wives forsooth, they're old. +--Demipho, I appeal to you: for him +I can not bear to speak to.--And were these +His frequent journeys and long stay at Lemnos? +Was this the cheapness that reduc'd our rents? + +DEM. That he has been to blame, Nausistrata, +I don't deny; but not beyond all pardon. + +PHOR. You're talking to the dead. + +DEM. It was not done +Out of aversion or contempt to you. +In liquor, almost fifteen years ago, +He met this woman, whence he had this daughter; +Nor e'er had commerce with her from that hour. +She's dead: your only grievance is remov'd. +Wherefore I beg you'd show your wonted goodness, +And bear it patiently. + +NAUS. How! bear it patiently? +Alas! I wish his vices might end here. +But have I the least hope? can I suppose +That years will cure these rank offenses in him? +Ev'n at that time he was already old, +If age could make him modest.--Are my years +And beauty, think ye, like to please him more +At present, Demipho, than formerly? +--In short, what ground, what reason to expect +That he should not commit the same hereafter? + +PHOR. (_aloud_). Whoever would attend the funeral +Of Chremes, now's the time!--See! that's my way. +Come on then! provoke Phormio now, who dares! +Like Chremes, he shall fall a victim to me. +--Let him get into favor when he will! +I've had revenge sufficient. She has something +To ring into his ears his whole life long. + +NAUS. Have I deserv'd this?--Need I, Demipho, +Number up each particular, and say +How good a wife I've been? + +DEM. I know it all. + +NAUS. Am I then justly treated? + +DEM. Not at all. +But since reproaches can't undo what's done, +Forgive him! he begs pardon; owns his fault; +And promises to mend.--What would you more? + +PHOR. But hold; before she ratifies his pardon, +I must secure myself and Phaedria. (_Aside._) +--Nausistrata, a word!--Before you give +Your answer rashly, hear me! + +NAUS. What's your pleasure? + +PHOR. I trick'd your husband there of thirty minae, +Which I have giv'n your son; and he has paid them +To a procurer for a mistress. + +CHREM. How! +What say you? + +NAUS. Is it such a heinous crime +For your young son, d'ye think, to have _one_ mistress, +While _you_ have _two_ wives?--Are you not asham'd? +Have you the face to chide him? answer me! + +DEM. He shall do ev'ry thing you please. + +NAUS. Nay, nay, +To tell you plainly my whole mind at once, +I'll not forgive, nor promise any thing, +Nor give an answer, till I see my son. + +PHOR. Wisely resolv'd, Nausistrata. + +NAUS. Is that +Sufficient satisfaction for you? + +PHOR. Quite. +I rest contented, well pleas'd, past my hopes. + +NAUS. What is your name, pray? + +PHOR. My name? Phormio: +A faithful friend to all your family, +Especially to Phaedria. + +NAUS. Trust me, Phormio, +I'll do you all the service in my power. + +PHOR. I'm much oblig'd to you. + +NAUS. You're worthy on't. + +PHOR. Will you then even now, Nausistrata, +Grant me one favor that will pleasure me, +And grieve your husband's sight? + +NAUS. With all my soul. + +PHOR. Ask me to supper! + +NAUS. I invite you. + +DEM. In then! + +NAUS. We will. But where is Phaedria, our judge? + +PHOR. He shall be with you.-- (_To the AUDIENCE._) +Farewell; Clap your hands! + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Comedies of Terence, by Publius Terentius Afer + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMEDIES OF TERENCE *** + +***** This file should be named 22695.txt or 22695.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/9/22695/ + +Produced by Louise Hope, David Starner and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |