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diff --git a/22687-8.txt b/22687-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1b5804 --- /dev/null +++ b/22687-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1931 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +March 1, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 1, 1916 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 20, 2007 [eBook #22687] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 150, MARCH 1, 1916*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22687-h.htm or 22687-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/0/22687/22687-h/22687-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/0/22687/22687-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +MARCH 1, 1916 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Volunteers have at last been recognised. There has been nothing like +it since the great recognition-scene in _Electra_. + + *** + +The case has been reported of a Stepney child which has developed a +disease of the brain, as the result of an air raid. Similar cases are +said to have been observed in the neighbourhood of Fleet Street. + + *** + +It now transpires that the music of St. Paul's Cathedral emanates from +an organ of German construction. There seems to be some doubt as to +whether an explanation is due from _The Westminster Gazette_ or _The +Times_. + + *** + +The mysterious shortage of butter in Germany, which has resulted in +measures being drafted limiting the consumption to 4 ozs. per week per +adult, is now explained. Count VON BERNSTORFF has used up all the +available supplies on Congress. + + *** + +The General Omnibus Company has made the announcement that it will not +employ any women drivers for its omnibuses. The company's officers fear +that if women were so employed there would be an absence of that racy +repartee which alone prevents traffic from reaching a condition of +indescribable congestion. + + *** + +The demand for second-hand pianos now for the first time in the history +of the trade far exceeds the supply. It is not only in Germany that War +and frightfulness go hand-in-hand. + + *** + +The capture of Mush by the Russian army of the Caucasus is an event the +importance of which has not been fully recognized. It is undoubtedly the +place from which the Turkish official reports of victory have been +issued. + + *** + +The Marconi Company have announced that "deferred plain language +telegrams" will again be received. More truckling to the Tory Press! + + *** + +A traveller returning from East Africa reports that, notwithstanding the +military operations that are taking place in various parts of the +country, rhinoceroses appear to be increasing in numbers. It is +explained that the falling-off in the European demand for potted reed +birds is responsible for the phenomenon. + + *** + +It is announced that the Cabinet are to take a portion of their salaries +in Exchequer Bonds. Not to be outdone the members of the Reichstag are +said to have agreed to soil their fingers with dirty British gold rather +than hinder the German Government's operations for correcting the +depreciation of the mark. + + *** + +The suggestion has been put forward that, as a timely War economy, +well-to-do people should give up their hot-houses. There seems to be a +division of opinion, however, as to whether the hot-house plants should +be given their liberty, or (as economy would seem to dictate) be killed +for the table. + + *** + +Australia has suspended the trade-marks of 450 German articles. It would +be interesting to know if the most historic German trade-mark, "MADE IN +THE UNITED STATES," is among these. + + *** + +"Mr. Julian Kimball (of Covent Garden and the London Opera House)," says +the Musical critic of _The Daily Mail_, "is a singer you can watch as +well as listen to." The desirability of concealing the faces of some of +our principal singers in the past is undoubtedly one of the reasons why +England has lagged behind in the musical art. + + *** + +A well-known candidate for the East Herts Division is said to be +urgently in need of motor cars. His opponents however point out that the +need to economise in petrol was never more urgent than at present. + + *** + +Speaking on the question of the shortage of freights Mr. RUNCIMAN +stated, a few days ago, that he did not know that ostrich feathers took +up much room. Has he never been to a matinée? + + *** + +In the same connection a member of the Ladies' Kennel Club writes: "I +let them take my husband for their horrid old War without grumbling, but +when they tell me that poor little Nanki-Poo can't have his +ostrich-feather pillow to lie on I think it is too much!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Midget_ (_as he comes to_). "I expect the War's been a +bit bad for your regular business, Mister?" + +_Second_. "Not it. The boot-makin' trade's as good as ever." + +_Midget._ "Oh, you're a boot-maker, are you? Funny--I made certain you +was a cab-washer."] + + * * * * * + + "The profits of the Bradford Dyers' Association exceed the most + sanguinary expectations." + + _Morning Paper_. + +The influence of the War, again. + + * * * * * + +S.P.C.A., please note. + + "Dogs are generally from 9 to 18 inches long and the teeth from + 3 to 8 inches long; the service pattern are from 12 to 15 inches + long with 6 inch teeth. For straight dogs the ends of the teeth + should be slightly further apart than at their root. Dogs when + heated red-hot can be twisted till their teeth make any required + angle with each other, generally a right angle; they are then + known as skew dogs." + + _Military Engineering_. + + * * * * * + + "The offensive eggs were first placed in a mangle, and the slow, + crude, and obnoxious process was gone through of crushing them. + The pugnacity of the smell arising from this progress became + appalling."--_Grocers' Journal_. + +Fit to knock one down, in fact. + + * * * * * + + "Lady, 45, domesticated, Protestant, furniture, wishes + Correspondence with Respectable Widower and Bachelor; view + matrimony."--_Southport Visitor_. + +One of the two gentlemen will have to be content with the furniture. + + * * * * * + +A CURE FOR DEPRESSION. + + Moments there are of transient gloom + When life for me appears to lose + Its rosy aspect and assume + The turnip's pessimistic hues; + As when o' mornings, gazing out + Across my patch of fog-grey river, + I feel a twinge of poor man's gout + Or else a touch of liver; + + Or when, forgetting WATTS'S rhymes + On puppy-dogs that bark and bite, + _The Westminster_ attacks _The Times_, + Starting a most unseemly fight; + Or when I find some Labour sheet + Still left at large to boom rebellion, + Or hear the thin pacific bleat + Of "my hon. friend" TREVELYAN; + + When enemy craft career above, + Unchallenged (till they've had their fling); + Or Little Willie's vernal shove + Anticipates the dawn of Spring; + When Neutrals want an open door + Kept wide for their commercial dealings, + And we must risk to lose the War + Rather than hurt their feelings. + + Such moments, making Hope look bleak, + And Courage turn a little blue, + Even with hearts as tough as teak + May well occur; but, when they do, + This thought will readjust your bile + And prove the best of appetisers:--? + _Would I exchange_ (here's where you smile) + _Our chances with the KAISER'S?_ + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. XXXV. + +(_From Enver Pasha._) + +Sire,--Surely the course of human affairs is often strange and +perplexing. When we formed the Committee of Union and Progress and +deposed the wretched ABDUL from the Sultanate no sane man can have +thought that you and I should ever be friends. ABDUL was your friend; +you and yours had lavished upon him and his creatures all your arts for +the purpose of obtaining influence and promoting the interest--forgive +me for saying it--not so much of Turkey as of the German Empire. When +therefore we emerged, and ABDUL with his system retired, all your +beautiful schemes seemed to be shattered into pieces so small that no +human ingenuity could avail to pick them up and fit them together again. +Yet lo and behold, the impossible has happened. ABDUL remains in +darkness, I and my colleagues are in power, and you and I are even more +closely knit together than is altogether desirable for me and those whom +(indirectly, perhaps, but not the less effectively) I help to govern. I +am entitled therefore to have a heart-to-heart talk with my +bosom-friend, and, anyhow, whether I am entitled or not, that is what I +propose to have. You may tell me in your genial way that I am only an +upstart, but I answer that I occupy my position not because my father +and my grandfather were big men, but because I myself, through my own +plans and by my own strength, did certain things which in my judgment +had to be done. + +What I now feel, O my friend, is this: I am beginning to doubt whether +in all this tremendous confusion of fighting I have made the right +choice. It wasn't _necessary_ for us Turks to fight at all; it wasn't +even desirable. We had suffered a severe set-back in the first Balkan +War, and in the second we were only just able, owing to the consummate +folly of that silly knave, your friend, TSAR FERDINAND, to snatch a +brand or two from the burning. What we wanted was rest, and had it not +been for you we might have had it--yes, and our wounds might have been +healed and our finances restored, while others endured privation and +loss. + +All that, as I say, we might have had; but from the day when the +_Goeben_ arrived off Constantinople we were doomed. That, indeed, was a +master-stroke on your part, but for us it has meant misery on an +ever-increasing scale. What were your promises? We were to have Egypt, +but you were to be there too, and you were to hold the Bagdad railway +and the regions through which it ran. We were to help you in conquering +India, but you were to keep it for yourself when once it was conquered. +We were to have a free hand with the Armenians. Well, we have had it, +and the Armenians are fewer by half-a-million than they were. Pleasant +as it is to contemplate the destruction of those restless and disloyal +infidels, it cannot be said that we have gained any advantage from it, +for the Russians have taken Erzerum and are sweeping through Armenia in +a mighty and irresistible torrent, while our Turkish armies are +scattered to the winds of heaven. Strong as you are and prodigal of +promises, here you have failed to make good your pledges of help, and +nowhere else do you seem able to achieve anything, except the crushing +of little nations. + +I look back with loathing upon the day when I was mad enough to listen +to you and to become a partner in your schemes. You flattered us, nay, +you even fawned upon us in order to secure your ends, and, now that our +forces have been joined with yours, ruin menaces my country and my race. +You, forsooth, allow yourself to be held up as a great prophet of Islam +and a Heaven-sent protector of its faith; but we who see our nation +crumbling into dust owing to your selfish ambition may be pardoned if at +last we look to ourselves and attempt to save what still remains to us. +To work, as they say, for the King of PRUSSIA has never been a +profitable undertaking. + +Yours, ENVER. + + * * * * * + + "Fireworks were thrown from the gallery and the audience rushed + on the platform, pelting the Pacifists with red ochre. The + meeting ended with the sinking of Rule Britannia."--_Egyptian + Gazette._ + +The Pacifists appear to have had the last word, after all. + + * * * * * + + "Mill Manager Honoured.--Mr. ---- has been elected a Fellow of + the Royal Society for the encouragement of fits."--_Times of + India._ + +We do not recognise the Society, but imagine it may be the Taylorian +Institute. + + * * * * * + + "It will take about 12 days for goods traffic to become normal + again, although of course passenger traffic is not interfered + with in the slightest. In the meantime the booking of elephants + and other perishables has been stopped."--_Rangoon Times._ + +Unless, of course, they leave their trunks behind them. + + * * * * * + +We observe that Mr. WATERS BUTLER has been appointed a member of the +Liquor Control Board, with the hearty approval of the Birmingham Beer, +Spirit and Wine Trade Association. If there is anything in a name no one +should be better able to hold the balance between them and the +teetotalers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MILITARY REASON. + +"FOR MILITARY REASONS OUR ARMY HAS WITHDRAWN FROM ERZERUM." + +_Turkish official communiqué (nearly a week after the event)_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Coster_ (_to parish visitor, who has been commiserating +with him on the loss of his father_). "Yes, Mum, 'e were a splendid +father to us and no mistake. Yer see, Mum, there was eleven of us, and I +never knowed 'im raise 'is 'and to one of us--'cept as it might be in +self-defence."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE FRONT. + +Some officers like putting up barbed wire, not so much, I think, from +any real deep-seated affection for the stuff itself, or from any +confidence in the protection it affords--its disintegration being one of +the assumed preliminaries of an attack--as for the satisfaction of +writing in the Weekly Work Report, "In front of X276 we put up 97 rolls +of barbed wire; in front of S279, 342 rolls; in front of X276a, 3,692 +rolls ..." and so on. + +An officer who overdoes this sport of kings gets a trench a bad name; it +becomes a trench with a great wiring tradition to be maintained. One of +us took over a legacy from one of these barbarians last trip. H.Q. had +got wind of his zeal and was determined that we for our part should not +be idle. It was murmured in billets, it was whispered upon the _pavé_, +that for the officer taking over B116 there was a great wiring toward. +The officer taking over B116 hated wiring worse than bully beef. He said +you either die of pneumonia through standing still pretending to +supervise, or tire yourself to bits and earn the undying contempt of +your party by pretending to take an active share in the game. + +Howbeit he took over B116 and was told by the Next Man Up to wire to his +heart's content. He asked the Next Man Up just where he wanted the +wiring to be performed. The Next Man Up waved an airy arm in the +direction of the Hun, and observed, "Out there, of course. Think we +wanted you to wire Hampstead Heath?" Then the B116 officer took the +N.M.U. to the parapet and showed him waving acres of high wire, low +wire, loose wire, tight wire, thick wire, thin wire, two ply, three ply, +and four ply, plain and barbed, running out and out into the dusk. + +The N.M.U. gave it all a dispassionate sort of look, and merely said, +"Oh, go out in front of all that. The Bosch is miles off just here." + +Now B116 is a front line trench in a re-entrant. The Hun trench facing +it is also in a re-entrant, the original front lines on both sides +having been crumpled and flooded out of existence. So when night fell +the officer of B116 took his party and set out, and he went on and on, +and then on, and there was still wire. And he went on and on and on. And +there were bits of old trenches and saps and listening posts, but still +wire. And he went on and on and there were more bits of trench and more +wire. And he went on and on--and I know this is true because he told +me--and on and on until (no, he did not come back to our own trench, he +had a compass) an exceptionally good lot of fireworks went up, and he +was fired at and bombed by Germans behind and Germans in front and +Germans on either side, and, mind you, he was still in the wire. So he +waited until all the Germans appeared to have killed each other or gone +to sleep, and brought his party laboriously back to B116, from which he +sent to the Next Man Up a message which ran: "If you want me to wire +Bosch third line, kindly arrange for artillery preparation." + +It is some days now since they put up any wire in front of B116. + +It is a fact well known to all our most widely-circulated photographic +dailies that these German gunners waste a power of ammunition. The only +criticism I have to make is that I wish they would waste it more +carefully. The way they go strewing the stuff about round us is such +that they're bound to hit someone or something before long. Still we +have only two more days in, and they seldom give us more than ten +thousand shells a day. + +We are in billets now, and frankly, I am beginning to be very exercised +about my boots. When I say "my boots" I mean rather the boots concerning +me than "the boots that are mine." I wanted, some couple of months ago, +a new pair of boots. I told the Quartermaster, and he looked at my then +boots superciliously and said he could quite believe it. + +I rashly left it at that, imagining something would happen. A man like a +quartermaster, who rolls in boots, would, I felt, think nothing of +sending along a dozen pairs before breakfast, with a chit telling me to +give away what I couldn't use. But no. It seems every boot in his store +was numbered. + +I approached him again, and demanded boots, soberly, seriously and +strenuously, I even offered to pay for them. This appeared to cheer him +a little, and he murmured something about Army Form 247 x2b, not at +present in stock, but indispensable to the issue of the most negligible +boot on payment. My further efforts were, owing to exigencies of my +military situation, conducted through emissaries. My servant would +demand of his company agent nightly, what about them boots? And the +company agent would reply--also nightly--that, if the officer would send +his size down, the matter would be put through at once. For five nights +running my size in boots went down with the empty water tins. On the +last night I added a sketch of my feet and of my present boots, with +scale of kilometres subjoined, a brief history of footgear in Flanders +from pre-Cæsarian times to the present day, one piece of broken lace +from the old boots, and anything else that struck me as likely to put +the matter a little further through. + +The lace appeared to put quite a new idea into their heads. The advance +booting agent now seemed to think that if I had some boots already I +might get the new pair by a process known as exchange, which takes less +time and has the additional advantage of not costing anything. This +struck them as an excellent new game for several days while they were +deciding which was the right army form for an officer desirous of +exchanging boots. At last all appeared fixed up. I came back into +billets with every confidence of finding a couple of boots waiting for +me on the mat. Of course I didn't really _believe_ they would be there; +I only had every confidence. Anyhow they were not. + +This morning the Quartermaster called in person. He wanted to know what +size I took in boots. + +I expect now that the matter will be put through almost at once. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR BOYS. + +_Outraged Elder Brother_ (_who has been asked for a light_). "You're a +nice example for young 'Erb. 'Ow dare you 'ave Cigarettes?" + +_Brother Bill._ "They ain't mine--they're 'Erb's."] + + * * * * * + +An Impending Apology. + + "Chaplain would appreciate portable Gramophone for clearing + station."--_The Times._ + + * * * * * + +HARD CASES. + +Among other applications which were recently heard for exemption from +the new Compulsory Service Act for unmarried men we extract the +following:-- + +Mr. Isaac Goldstein claimed exemption for his clerk, a stalwart youth of +twenty-two, on the ground that he was indispensable to him in his +business. + +Asked what his business was the applicant said he was a bookmaker. + +_The Chairman._ I thought there was no racing now. + +_Mr. Goldstein._ Oh, yes. Steeple-chasing every week. + +_The Chairman._ Do people still go to races and bet? + +_Mr. Goldstein._ Of course they do. Why not? + +_The Chairman._ I fancied they might have found other things to do. Also +I fancied that money might be short. + +The applicant said that there was plenty of money about if you knew +where to look for it. + +_The Chairman._ And who ride the horses? + +_Mr. Goldstein._ The jockeys, of course. + +_The Chairman._ They prefer that to doing anything more serious for +their country? + +_Mr. Goldstein._ They are doing something very serious for their +country. They're preserving the breed of horses. Where would old +England's horseflesh be without races and steeplechases? + +_The Chairman._ You say this young man is indispensable to you. How? + +_Mr. Goldstein._ He is my clerk. He writes down the bets. I haven't got +time to write down bets myself; I'm too busy taking them. He's one of +the quickest clerks in England. I should go broke if I hadn't got him. + +Application refused. + +Mr. Joe Tummilee applied for the exemption of a comedian playing in his +revue, "Never mind the War." This young man, he said, who was +twenty-nine, was the life and soul of the piece, and if he joined the +Army the applicant would be put both to inconvenience and loss. + +_The Chairman._ Are there not older or married actors that you could +employ for this great work? + +_Mr. Tummilee._ They're not so good. The comedian in question was a very +agile dancer and was also good-looking. Other men might not attract the +public. + +_The Chairman._ Is the attraction of the public essential? + +_Mr. Tummilee (surprised)._ Naturally. How should we managers live +otherwise? Besides, when a great war is going on it's a national duty to +try and make people forget. My theatre, you perhaps are not aware, is a +favourite resort for wounded soldiers, who are never so happy as when +they are there. + +_The Chairman._ Surely all that happiness will not disappear because +this one performer is missing? + +_Mr. Tummilee._ Most of it. He's the great draw. + +_The Chairman._ Has it not occurred to you that the country ought to +come first? + +_Mr. Tummilee._ I consider I'm doing a great deal for the country, and +he too, by making it laugh. + +_The Chairman._ You must find an older funny man or soon we may all be +weeping. + +Application refused. + +Mr. Samuel Bland claimed exemption on the ground that he disapproved of +war and physical force. + +_The Chairman._ What would you do if you caught a burglar in your house? + +_Applicant._ I should lock him in and call for the police. + +_The Chairman._ Then you don't mind relying on the physical force of +others for your own protection? + +_Applicant._ That is part of the machinery of civilisation. + +_The Chairman._ So, I fear, is an army. Do you pay your taxes? + +_Applicant._ Yes. + +_The Chairman._ Why? + +_The Applicant._ Because there is Scriptural warrant for it. + +_The Chairman._ But you know that a large part of them goes to maintain +our fighting men. Without money we should have to give in. + +_Applicant._ I obey the law. I don't necessarily know where the money is +going. + +_The Chairman._ Your position is very illogical. Either you should take +your part in defending your country or obey your conscience and either +go to prison for refusing to pay taxes for the carrying-on of the War, +or emigrate to some place more like Utopia than this is. As it is you +take advantage of other men's readiness to fight and even to die for +you, and actually pay them to do so, but raise conscientious objections +to doing either for yourself. A conscience that is so adaptable is not +worth considering. + +Application refused. + +Harry Cadgsmith, who said he was a picture-palace proprietor, applied +for exemption for the commissionaire who stood outside the building and +invited people in. + +_The Chairman._ How old is he? + +_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Thirty-four. + +_The Chairman._ Is he strong? + +_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Very. He is also highly trained; he wears uniform and +calls out the attractions. The cinema is one of the principal +alleviations of modern life and but for this man's powerful voice many +people might pass by and never enter. + +_The Chairman._ What kind of pictures do you show? + +_Mr. Cadgsmith._ The best. + +_The Chairman._ Are they English? + +_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Some are. But the public prefer American ones. I always +pride myself on giving the public what it has the sense to want. + +_The Chairman._ Might it not be better employed elsewhere? Making +munitions, for example? + +_Mr. Cadgsmith._ That is nothing to do with me. My business is to supply +a demand. + +_The Chairman._ What is your chief film this week? + +_Mr. Cadgsmith._ It is a very fine story entitled "The Prince of +Crooks." + +_The Chairman._ Could not a woman take this man's place? + +_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Not to do it justice. + +Application refused. + + * * * * * + +SUAVE MARI MAGNO. + +(New Style). + + 'Tis sweet, so sage LUCRETIUS wrote of yore, + To watch a storm-tossed vessel from the shore, + Or safely placed, when hosts in conflict close, + To view the battle as it ebbs and flows; + But he, poor ancient, never knew the rare + Delight afforded by an easy-chair, + Wherein the slippered critic, at his ease, + His ample writing-pad upon his knees, + Primed with historic and romantic lore, + Indites his weekly comment on the War; + Revises or expands official news + With graphic touches and resplendent hues; + Teaches the doubtful battle where to rage + And sprinkles diagrams on ev'ry page; + Creates new posts or, at his own sweet will, + Proceeds expected vacancies to fill; + Deposes Kings, Prime Ministers, Grand Dukes, + And rival pundits suitably rebukes. + A hundred thousand readers every week + For solace in his commentaries seek, + Swear by his arguments, and swear at those + Which rival quidnuncs artfully oppose. + Matched with an occupation such as this + Philosophy is destitute of bliss; + He only breathes content's untroubled air + Who wages warfare from a snug armchair. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _R.N. Cadet_ (_during his first term at Osborne--where he +has been told always to salute his superior officers of both +services--meeting some "temporary" subalterns who disregard his +salute_). "Really, mother, if these temporary subs of the junior service +cannot behave as gentlemen and return my salute, I shall certainly give +up taking any notice of them." ] + + * * * * * + +GOOD OPENINGS FOR M.P.'s. + +_The Manchester Guardian_ complains that there is a remarkable monotony +about the opening of speeches in the House of Commons. + +"On Wednesday forty-five speeches (not counting brief efforts in the way +of interjections) were delivered, and in thirty cases the speeches began +with the first person singular. Only fifteen members could think of +anything more original." It appears that four speeches began with "I +beg," four with "I should like," three with "I wish," and three with "I +am sure." + +It may be a little daring, perhaps, to suggest that some originality +should be introduced into the methods of Parliamentary orators (writes a +correspondent); but as one whose courage has never failed him in telling +other people how to go about their business I venture to suggest a few +openings which possibly have never yet been utilised. + +As it is half the battle, to the speaker, to grip interest at the very +outset, the following might be tried: "Drip, drip, drip--the blood fell +from the ceiling." This would cause departing Members to drop sharply +back into their seats. Only a little ingenuity would be required to make +these words the opening of a speech on any timely topic. Our +aristocratic legislators could make certain of arresting attention by +beginning, "In the words of a friend of mine, a well-known Peckham +butcher"--another gambit that could be made to suit any subject, from +the shipping problem to the Zeppelin nuisance. + +Or again, "The missis woke me up in the middle of last Tuesday night, +and said"--This is the kind of homely touch that would ensure a +sympathetic hearing. + +Members might also make a good start with "'Twas" and "Methinks," even +at the risk of being accused of the use of unparliamentary expressions. + +If they would only study the poets I they would find plenty of bright +and original openings. What better could be desired than BROWNING'S + + "So, at home, the sick tall yellow Duchess + Was left with the infant in her clutches," + +if occasion should arise in the House for criticism of the heartless +action of a Local Tribunal in disallowing a Duke's claim for exemption? + +Many a man possesses an undiscovered knack of extempore rhyming, a gift +which has seldom or never been exercised in the House of Commons. That +will be a bright day for legislators when a Member rises in his place +and begins something like this: "Sir, if the House will bear with me one +moment, I should like to say that I, for one, cannot agree that we have +found the perfect way of dealing with a gross neglect to which all +honest men object." Any Member who could keep up that sort of thing for +half-an-hour (and some, no doubt, could, if they would only practise) +would achieve lasting fame, not only for his originality, but because of +the remarkable scenes amid which his concluding lines would almost +certainly be uttered. + + * * * * * + + "The Germans planned to expel the British from South Africa, + aided by disinfected Boers." + + _Englishman (Calcutta)_, + +But, in the end, it was General BOTHA who cleared out the Germs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_after Sunday tea, on departure of officers +quartered in the neighbourhood_). "I'm glad Captain Devereux didn't +come, as I'm not looking my oldest to-day."] + + * * * * * + +MY DUG-OUT. + +(A Memory of Gallipoli) + + It was my home, not ringed with roses blowing, + Nor set in meadows where cool waters croon; + Parched wastes were round it, and no shade was going, + Nor breath of violets nor song-birds' tune; + Only at times from the adjacent dwelling + Came down with Boreas the quaint, compelling + Scent of the Tenth Platoon. + + And there not hermit-like alone I brooded, + But ant and lizard and all things that crawl + With great grasshoppers by brigades intruded; + Therein the tortoise had his homely stall; + Green flies and blue slept nightly in their notches, + Save when a serpent, in the middle watches, + Came and disturbed us all. + + There, where the sun, the senseless sun, kept pouring, + And dust-clouds smothered one about the chest, + While secret waters filtered through the flooring + (In case the heat should leave one _too_ oppressed), + Always I lay in those sad fevered seasons + Which Red-Hat humourists, for mystic reasons, + Regarded as our "rest." + + For it was home; and when I was not in it, + But in the trenches, it was home indeed; + When mad foes fired at twenty rounds a minute + (Not, I may say, the regulation speed), + For me far more it harboured my Penates; + I missed my animals; I missed my gay teas + With Alf, the centipede. + + And I am shocked to think that that same ceiling + Shields now some Mussulman of lowly strain; + Yet, though he knows me not, I can't help feeling + That something of my spirit must remain, + And if, in that rich air the man should mellow + In mind, in soul, and be a better fellow, + I have not lived in vain. + + And it may be, when worlds have ceased to wrestle, + I shall go back across the Midland foam + At special rates in some large tourist vessel + To my late hollow in the Sultan's loam, + And there clasp hands with that uplifted warrior, + Compare brief notes and wonder which was sorrier + To have to call it home. + + * * * * * + +How to treat a Wife. + +Extract from lecture by N.C.O.:-- + + "Your rifle is your best friend, take every care of it; treat it + as you would your wife, rub it all over with an oily rag every + day." + + * * * * * + + "The court was crowded by Gaelic Leaguers and the proceedings + were marked by some disorderly scenes, until the magistrates + ordered their continuance."--_Dublin Evening Mail._ + +Then, of course, being in Ireland, they ceased. + + * * * * * + +A Provincial Paper, reporting a speech upon heroes of the present War, +represents the speaker as referring to "Bill Adams in Leigh Hunt's +poem." This is the first time within our knowledge that our old friend +_Abou Ben Adhem_ has been confounded with that other popular figure, the +fictitious hero of Waterloo! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW FRIGHTFULNESS. + +_Admiral von Tirpitz_. "PIRACY IS DEAD. STILL, I LIKE TO THINK THAT, +UNDER ANOTHER NAME, THE GOOD WORK GOES ON." + +[Berlin contends that, piracy being extinct, the arming of liners and +merchant vessels is no longer legitimate, and that German submarines are +therefore entitled to sink them at sight. The New Frightfulness is due +to begin to-day.]] + + * * * * * + +A STRONG SOUTH-EASTER. + +I have been having further trouble with my neighbour, Petherton, whose +place adjoins mine, being divided from it by a hedge. Beyond the hedge +lies Petherton's small paddock, where his poultry amuse themselves, and, +beyond that, Petherton's house and garden. + +But, however good a fence may be, it will not keep out, or keep in, +smells. Therefore when Petherton engaged in apparently chemical +operations giving off the most noxious gases I was rapidly forced to the +conclusion that he ought to have a different kind of boundary between +his property and mine, and also that the air of our neighbourhood no +longer rivalled that of Bexhill, especially when the wind blew from the +south-east. + +Wishing to remedy this state of affairs without recourse to unpleasant +measures, I sat down to write to Petherton. + + Dear Petherton,--These continual south-easterly winds portend + rain, I fear, and so I hope you have wrapped your parsnips up to + protect them from the probable excess of moisture which is so + injurious to all such plants. + + My primary object in writing is not so much anxiety about the + health of your vegetables, but to ask whether you have noticed a + most unpleasant odour which seems to be heading north-west; at + any rate it is more unpleasant if possible when the wind is from + the south-east than at any other time. + + It does not appear likely that the smell should have come from + the German lines, so we must look nearer home for the cause of + the trouble. Don't you think we ought to take joint action to + get the nuisance ended? + + Yours, H. J. Fordyce. + +Petherton's reply was a bulky packet which, being opened, revealed a tin +of dog soap. I could only infer that he wished to saddle Togo, our +prize-bred Airedale, with the blame. Coward! + +However, true to my determination to be friendly if possible, I wrote:-- + + Dear Fred,--Thanks for the Camembert. Thomas our cat has not + quite completed the Moonlight Sonata which he has spent several + nights in composing, but as soon as it is published I will send + you a copy of it in return. + + My nephew, over from France on short leave, came to see us + yesterday but left hurriedly. He said that the air was too + reminiscent of a place where he was severely gassed. _Don't you + notice anything?_ + + Yours as ever, H. J. Fordyce. + +Within an hour of the delivery of this letter another parcel arrived +from Petherton. It contained three ordinary clothes-pegs and a brief +note, which ran:-- + + Sir,--I thought even you would be able to take the hint + contained in my previous parcel. As however it was evidently + lost on you, I am writing to suggest to you more plainly that + you should wash your dog. I noticed its deplorable condition + when I passed it in the road the other morning, and am surprised + that the simple explanation of the trouble has not occurred to + you before. + + Should the course I recommend have no good effect, I can only + suggest your shooting, selling or otherwise disposing of the + malodorous pest, or else wearing one of the protectors of which + I enclose three. They are somewhat archaic in design, but should + just suit you and your household. + + Yours faithfully, + + Frederick Petherton. + +I replied:-- + + Good old Freddie,--What a genius you are! Of course the dog is + the culprit. I was offered fifteen pounds for him the other day + and refused it. No doubt I should have received a better offer + but for the defect, which you so readily noticed, in the + animal's condition. I have just had him shampooed and when he is + dry I will examine him and report to you at once. + + Many thanks for the charming nose-protectors, which however I + return, as they are all too large. I wonder if you would mind + changing them for sevens; these appear to be eight-and-a-halfs. + + I am glad the wind has veered to the north-east. Your parsnips + will no doubt share my joy. By the way was it you I saw + yesterday in your paddock holding your nose just before the wind + shifted round? The man, whoever it was, was looking at your + poultry, which appear to be drooping. + + Yours till the wind changes, + + H. J. Fordyce. + + P.S.--If I can get a good stamp-album in town to-day I will send + it to you. A change of hobby is often very beneficial. + +I followed this up with another letter in the afternoon, couched in more +formal terms:-- + + Sir,--In fulfilment of the promise contained in my previous + letter of to-day's date I have the honour to inform you that my + dog Togo is not the cause of the trouble. As soon as he was dry + I fastened him up in the middle of my drawing-room, and my + household, myself included, sniffed at him from all points of + the compass. Then, leaving him still chained up, we went into + the garden and nearly fainted from the pestilential odours borne + on the breeze, which was again south-east. + + If you have not suffered it seems clear to me that either (a) + you have a curious taste in scents, or (b) you have no sense of + smell. I think you should call in an expert, in the case of (a) + a brain specialist, or in the case of (b) a nose-plumber. In the + meantime I intend to consult another sort of expert, the + Sanitary Inspector. + + Yours obediently, except in such a matter as this, + + H. J. Fordyce. + +I wrote to the Inspector that night and received the following within +twenty-four hours:-- + + Dear Sir,--Yours of yesterday's date to hand, and in reply I + regret that I am unable to assist you in the matter as your + neighbour, Mr. Petherton, is engaged on important experimental + work for the Government in connection with the manufacture of + asphyxiating gases, thus causing the unpleasant odours about + which I have received several complaints recently. I have been + in communication with Mr. Petherton on the matter, but he seems + unable to abate the nuisance. I am surprised that he has not + explained the position to you himself. + + I remain, Yours obediently, + + M. Tarbutt. + + _pp_. A. C. + +On receiving the above I wrote to Petherton:-- + + Dear Fred,--Only a few words to say that I have just heard the + great news. Heartiest congratters. As a + strafe-scent-manufacturer you are IT. _À bas les Boches!_ + + But why so close about it all this time? If you had only let me + know about it sooner I would have dug a trench in my garden and + slept in it, instead of complaining. Henceforth I shall turn my + nose (well respirated) to the south-east every morning as an act + of homage. + + Give it 'em hot, old man; don't mind us; we love it now. When + you get stuck for any fresh ingredients refer to _Macbeth_, Act + 4, Scene I, though I should be inclined to think you have done + this already. + + Yours gratefully, H. J. Fordyce. + +So far I have received no reply from Petherton. In the circumstances I +excuse his apparent hauteur. + + * * * * * + +"Ships that pass in the Night." + + "A large number of our kinsmen from over the seas were + unmarried, and he would like to see for every shipload of them + that came over a shipload of women from this country sent out to + be mated to them."--_Daily Paper._ + +It looks as if it might be stalemate. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, February 21st._--Although _de minimis non curat lex_, our +law-makers delight in very small jokes. When Mr. CECIL BECK, as +Vice-Chamberlain of the Household, delivered HIS MAJESTY's reply to the +Address the House of Commons was chiefly interested in watching how he +would accomplish the feat of walking backwards from the Table to the +Bar. More than once in past history the task has proved too much for the +man who essayed it, and the orderly retreat has degenerated into a +shambling rout. But there was no such hitch to-day. Progressive +politician though he is, Mr. BECK retraced his steps with graceful ease, +and fully deserved the applause that rewarded his effort. + +[Illustration: FINANCIAL OPTIMISM. + +Mr. Micawber Asquith.] + +Irreverent opponents of the PRIME MINISTER have sometimes compared him +to _Micawber_, on the ground that he was always waiting for something to +turn up. I found another link to-day between these celebrated +characters. As Mr. ASQUITH unfolded the details of the two new Votes of +Credit, one of 120 millions to clear up the present financial year, the +other of 300 millions to start the new one, he reminded me of _Micawber_ +calculating his indebtedness to _Traddles_. While professing a proper +alarm at the colossal amount of the expenditure--nearly two thousand +millions already, or twice the cost of the twenty-two years' war against +NAPOLEON--he rolled these gigantic figures off his tongue as if he loved +them. You will remember _Copperfield's_ remark when the famous I.O.U. +had been handed over: "I am persuaded not only that this was quite the +same to Mr. Micawber as paying the money, but that Traddles himself +hardly knew the difference until he had had to think about it." The +PRIME MINISTER'S financial optimism left the House under much the same +impression, and Mr. MCKENNA rather deepened it by the declaration that +with prudence and statesmanship our credit would survive the War however +long it might last. + +_Tuesday, February 22nd._--For nearly ten years, without a break, Mr. +GEORGE LAMBERT, Yeoman, as the reference-books describe him, sat on the +Treasury Bench as Civil Lord of the Admiralty. Then the Coalition came +along and his place knew him no more. For eight long months he has +yearned to let the new Administration know what he thought of them, and +to-day he seized the opportunity furnished by the Vote on Account. + +Beginning with a moving tale of how the War Office took several weeks +and a traction engine to move a load of hay two miles from a rick to a +railway station in his native Devon, the Yeoman proceeded with other +counts of his indictment. The PRIME MINISTER mentioned yesterday a new +plan by which an outside Committee, composed of business men and headed +by a Cabinet Minister, was checking the expenditure of the Service +Departments. (The cost of shells, we were told to-day by Dr. ADDISON, +has been brought down to a figure which means an economy of £400,000 a +week on our future production.) + +But Mr. LAMBERT would have none of it. Speaking with all the authority +of his long official experience he laid down the dictum that one Cabinet +Minister could not supervise another. Next he attacked the new Order in +Council, which makes the Chief of the Staff responsible for the orders +given to the Army, declaring that it reduced Lord KITCHENER to the level +of a civilian; and finally he denounced the Government for not making +more use of Lord FISHER. Under the stress of these terrific blows the +Government ought to have reeled, if it did not fall. But nothing +happened, except that the Votes on Account for four hundred and twenty +millions were by half-past seven duly passed. + +In the Lords meanwhile the Government was sustaining a heavier attack, +arising out of their failure to stop all supplies from reaching Germany. +Lord SYDENHAM attributed it to the Declaration of London, which had +crippled the Navy; Lord BERESFORD thought it was the result of trying to +run a war with a Cabinet that included twenty-one amateurs. Lord +LANSDOWNE, a master of the quip modest, thereupon stated the +Government's intention to add a twenty-second to the twenty-one by +appointing a Minister of Blockade. + +_Wednesday, February 23rd._--At Question-time, Mr. ASQUITH announced +that the new Minister was Lord ROBERT CECIL. It is close upon fifty +years since another Lord ROBERT CECIL (who had just become Lord +CRANBORNE) entered the Cabinet of Lord DERBY. + +[Illustration: NEW DEPARTURES BY SEA AND AIR. + +Lord Robert Cecil and Lord Derby.] + +In consequence of the recent decision that no Member shall in future +receive two salaries it had been rumoured that Parliamentary salaries +would be abolished altogether. There were signs of heartfelt relief from +various quarters of the House when the PREMIER met the suggestion with +an uncompromising "No." + +Captain J. S. RANKINE, the khaki-clad giant who took his seat for East +Toxteth to-day, had a warm reception, all the more grateful in view of +the blizzard that raged without. The temperature of the House fell +rapidly, however, when Mr. SNOWDEN proceeded to outline his views on the +subject of peace. In vain he attempted to show that there was a +considerable party in Germany ready to come to terms if only they knew +what our terms were. Members listened in chilly silence. They thawed +into laughter when the Hon. Member with some lack of humour quoted the +German CHANCELLOR'S declaration, "We do not threaten small nations;" and +they cheered when he quoted, with intent to condemn, Lord ROSEBERY'S +statement that Germany must be utterly crushed. Nor was the House more +impressed by Mr. TREVELYAN'S proposal that as there might be a +peace-party in Germany it was our duty to "state our full terms and find +out." + +The PRIME MINISTER'S reply was, I fear, very painful to the pacificists. +The German CHANCELLOR'S statement he found to be one of "colossal and +shameless audacity." German Socialists might prate of peace, but only +twenty out of five times that number in the Reichstag had the courage to +vote against the War Credit. Our terms were already on record in the +speech which he made at the LORD MAYOR'S Banquet in 1914. Until +Belgium--"and I will add Serbia"--has been fully reinstated, until +France is secured against aggression, until the smaller nationalities +are safeguarded, until the military domination of Prussia is destroyed, +"not until then shall we or any of our gallant Allies abate by one jot +our prosecution of this War." The cheers that greeted this declaration +lasted almost as long as the speech itself. In the ensuing debate Mr. +PONSONBY, Sir W. BYLES, and one or two others emitted what Mr. STANTON +picturesquely described as "the croakings and bleatings of the fatted +lambs who had besmirched their own country." But they created no effect. +Mr. SNOWDEN's early peace had been nipped by the frost. + +_Thursday, February 24th._--In both Houses the administration of the +Military Service Act was again the subject of criticism. From the +explanations given by Lord NEWTON and Mr. TENNANT it appears that most +of the complaints against the recruiting officers for over-pressure have +come from men who were applying for armlets, not for exemption. As Lord +NEWTON put it, a man, if he wants to obtain an armlet, must run the risk +of being taken for some kind of service. Mr. TENNANT reminded some of +his critics, not superfluously, that the object of this Act was to get +men to serve. + +Lord DERBY, fresh from his triumph as Director of Recruiting, is to act +as Chairman of the new Joint Committee which will supervise and +co-ordinate naval and military aviation. For him, as for that other +_Ariel_, "there's more work." The same is now true of Colonel LOCKWOOD +who, since the opening of the Session, has been in a condition of +suspended animation. The Kitchen Committee, in the opinion of many +Members the most important of all the Committees, had not been set up, +and consequently could not elect a Chairman. How Members have lived +through more than a week without any visible means of securing +subsistence it is not for me to reveal. Suffice it to say that no case +of absolute starvation has come to my notice. To-day all is well. The +Kitchen Committee is again in being, and "Uncle Mark" has once more been +appointed Minister of the Interior (unpaid, except by the gratitude and +affection of his fellow-Members). Fresh responsibilities have now been +thrust upon him. This afternoon it fell to him, as temporary Leader of +the Opposition, to ask the customary question as to next week's +business. Having heard the PRIME MINISTER'S reply, he sat for a few +moments as if lost in thought, calculating, no doubt, by a rapid process +of mental arithmetic what the Consolidated Fund Bill, Supplementary +Estimates and the Civil Service Vote would amount to in terms of +dinners, teas and other light refreshments. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enraged Tommy_ (_bespattered with mud by sniper's bullet +aimed a bit too low_). "Put up yer sight, yer careless blighter!"] + + * * * * * + +On a bookseller's stall in Liverpool:-- + + "_The English Nation_. A really cheap lot." + +We find them most expensive to keep up. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_. "Isn't it dreadful, Jane, about these +Zeppelins? It wouldn't be so wicked if they only destroyed munition +works." + +_Jane_. "Yes, Mum. But they 'adn't ought to do that neither. They knows +puffickly well as we wants all the ammunitions as we can get."] + + * * * * * + +ON THE SPY-TRAIL. + +Jimmy says his bloodhound is always very glad to get loose after being +tied up all night, and it's because HARVEY discovered the circulation of +the blood. Jimmy says Faithful doesn't know he has got the circulation +of the blood, but he always has a little run round when he gets free. It +only takes him about five minutes to do his round, and an hour and +a-half afterwards you would never believe he had been round at all, +things are so quiet again. + +Jimmy says the man next door told him he didn't mind so much about the +circulation of the blood as the circulation of the bloodhound. Jimmy +says it's because his chickens all begin shouting Hooray! as soon as +Faithful starts, and they get up trees to watch him instead of being +busy laying eggs at twopence each. Faithful doesn't want them to go up +trees, Jimmy says, and tries to make them come down, but they won't--not +on any account--and he has to leave them for other things that require +his attention. + +Jimmy says there's a charwoman in one of the houses on Faithful's beat, +and sometimes you can hear her trying to char him, and then lots of +things come out through the front door, with Faithful in the middle of +them. Sometimes you don't know which is Faithful and which is a +scrubbing-brush, and it's because of the revolution. Jimmy says if +Faithful notices that anything wants doing on his way round he always +tries to do it, even though nobody knew that it wanted doing. Faithful +got a sparrow out of a greenhouse like that, Jimmy says. It was a cheeky +sparrow and kept flying about at Faithful and hiding behind the pots on +the stage. Jimmy says bloodhounds don't stand any nonsense of that sort, +and the sparrow ought to have known it. But it kept looking round +flower-pots at Faithful and chirruping at him sideways, and didn't +realise that its life hung by a thread. + +Jimmy says the best of well-trained bloodhounds is that they never get +flurried; they go about their work systematically. The sparrow didn't +seem to know that, Jimmy says, and when Faithful got on the stage and +began clearing the decks for action it actually had the face to go and +pick up a worm that came out of one of the pots that fell on the ground. +Jimmy says whenever a pot rolled off the stage Faithful always looked +over the edge to see if it had arrived safely. He is always careful like +that. + +Jimmy says the sparrow only escaped by the skin of its teeth, because +just as Faithful had got everything out of the way and was going to set +to work in earnest, the sparrow flew out and went and sat up in a tree +chirruping like anything. Faithful was absolutely disgusted with it, +Jimmy says. + +Jimmy took his bloodhound out to the Hill Farm one morning. The farmer +was very glad to see Faithful again, Jimmy says; he told Jimmy that they +were going to cut corn and there would be a main of rabbits in them for +sure. Jimmy says bloodhounds have to turn their hands to anything these +days, even catching rabbits. Faithful didn't seem to mind, Jimmy says, +but it seemed very curious to hear the deep baying of a bloodhound in a +peaceful cornfield. Jimmy says it made the men stop work and look at +each other, and the man who was driving the reaping-machine got down to +see where it wanted oiling. You see he hadn't heard a bloodhound before. + +There was another dog there, Jimmy says, in case the rabbits came out +too quickly for Faithful to catch them all. The first rabbit that came +out didn't have any chance, Jimmy says. It bolted out as hard as it +could, and there was a splendid race between the rabbit and Faithful. +You see the rabbit was making for a burrow in the hedge, but old +Faithful got there first and tried to get his head down it, to cut off +the rabbit's retreat. Jimmy says the rabbit was nonplussed, and the +other dog caught it easily. It is beautiful to see two dogs work +together like that, Jimmy says. + +Jimmy says Faithful didn't require the help of the other dog with the +next rabbit that came his way, but the other dog was very impulsive. You +see Faithful was lying down with his mouth open trying to look like a +rabbit hole, and he did it so well that the rabbit came straight at him. +Jimmy says Faithful swerved about ten yards to one side in order to hurl +himself bodily at the rabbit, and he would have done it if the other dog +hadn't poked his nose in. + +Jimmy says the other dog killed the rabbit, but Faithful went up and +smelt at it like anything. Faithful is a splendid smeller, Jimmy says. +He can retrieve rabbits almost as well as he can catch them. + +The farmer was surprised to see how quickly Faithful got off the mark at +the sound of the gun. You see the farmer was standing close by Faithful +and he had no sooner shot at a rabbit than away went Faithful right +across two fields, retrieving as hard as he could. Jimmy had to fetch +him back from doing it. + +Jimmy says it was a new experience for the men to have a trained +bloodhound in the harvest field, and they could talk of nothing else +whilst they were having their dinners. You see two of the men had +mislaid their dinners somehow, and every time they looked at Faithful +they kept wondering. One man said his dinner was in a pudding-basin, and +he looked everywhere. Faithful did his best to help him, Jimmy says, and +kept just two yards ahead of him, twisting in and out. + +The man noticed something was the matter with Faithful and advised Jimmy +to have his neck wrung: he offered to do it himself. + +Jimmy says the man seemed very suspicious because Faithful looked so +T.B. (you know: Totally Bulged); but Jimmy took up Faithful and shook +him for the man to hear, and there wasn't any sound of broken crockery +at all. + +The other man who had lost his dinner didn't bother to look for it; he +was busy cutting a stick out of the hedge, and when he had done it he +borrowed a piece of bacon from another man to present to Faithful. Jimmy +says you do it by saying, "Dear little doggie," in a husky voice. Jimmy +says bloodhounds don't like husky voices, they get on their nerves. So +Faithful refused the bacon as hard as he could. + +Jimmy says he knew Faithful would follow him, and sure enough, when he +had got a mile on his way home, there was Faithful waiting for him, +holding the pudding-basin in his mouth by the cloth. + +Jimmy says when he got home there was quite a crowd round the house +where Faithful had removed the greenhouse from off the sparrow. A +policeman told Jimmy all about it. It appeared, so the policeman said, +that some person or persons unknown had got to know that the people in +the house were harbouring a German governess and had smashed up the +greenhouse in revenge. The greenhouse looked as if it had been struck by +a bomb, the policeman said, and when the people saw it they knew their +secret was out and went and confessed to the police. The policeman told +Jimmy that they had just taken the German governess away to the +police-station. + +Jimmy says that when he got home he sat down and looked at Faithful for +half-an-hour--just looked at him. To think that Faithful had been on the +Spy Trail all the time and Jimmy never knew it! + + * * * * * + +An Incisive Beginning. + + "Mr. Gordon Hewart, opening the president of the London Chamber + of Commerce ..." + + _The Star_. + + * * * * * + +The Hebdomadal Council of Oxford University have suspended for six +months the filling of the Professorship of Modern Greek, the view +apparently being that there is no one about just now who understands the +modern Greek. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Youthful Patriot_. "Take away the night-light, Mary. I'd +rather risk the dark than attract a Zeppelin."] + + * * * * * + + "_The Rivista Marittima_ publishes details of a new German + ironclad, which is claimed to be totally unsinkable.... It is + said to be a Dreadnought-cruiser, fitted with triple skins of + armour, stuffed with non-resisting material."--_Times._ + +It sounds like one of our conscientious objectors. + + * * * * * + + + "The albatross--its docility was charming--soon occupied a + splendid isolation on the tarpaulined covered hatchway + platform.... I shall in future read Keats' 'Ancient Mariner' + with an accentuated interest." + + _Natal Witness._ + +COLERIDGE'S "Ode to a Nightingale" was rejected as dealing with the +wrong bird. + + * * * * * + + "Young Lady-Attendant for Allies' Rifle Range, to replace one + getting married; the 3rd in 12 months doing the same; good + remuneration, and comfortable job."--_Glasgow Citizen._ + +Bow and arrow or .303, Cupid's markmanship remains unerring. + + * * * * * + + "The Man who dined at Krupp's and worked with the Kaiser." + + _Morning Paper Heading_. + +The _menu_ at KRUPP'S is not given, but was probably some form of pig. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "SCOTCH NURSES IN SERBIA. + + GERMAN DOCTOR'S IMPRESSIONS. + + 'VERY FORBIDDING.'" + + _Egyptian Gazette._ + + * * * * * + +From a notice of a recent novel:-- + + "The present reviewer's pen cleaves to the roof of his mouth + when he tries to describe it."--_Evening Standard._ + +That should teach him to get rid of the nasty habit of sucking the nib. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MULE HUMOUR.] + +[Illustration: "He's kicked the Corporal!"] + +[Illustration: "He's kicked the Vet.!!"] + +[Illustration: "He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!"] + +[Illustration: "He's kicked the Colonel!!!!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) + +I think I never read a story that impressed me as more untimely than +this to which Mr. IVOR BROWN has given the title of _Security_ (SECKER). +It is about an Oxford Don, one _John Grant_, who became, as others have +become, irked by the placid routine of Senior Common-Room existence, and +yearned for adventure. So he came to London, and got his first dose of +it as a labour-agitator and backer of strikes. I suppose that the +atmosphere of labour-agitating and strike-backing is skilfully conveyed +(that of Oxford donship undoubtedly is), but I can't tell you how +antique it all seems. These scornful quotations from an imaginary +Capitalist press and the fierce denial that industrial strife was ever +assisted by foreign agencies--it all sounds like a voice from ancient +history. One rubs one's ears at it. Eventually militant Socialism +wearies _John_ as much as academic torpor had done, and to escape from +both he marries a wife. More atmosphere, this time of a dreary little +seaside town and its so-called society. But _John_ fares no better here; +and at last, on his return from a walking holiday, he finds that _Mrs. +John_, unable to put up with him any longer, is putting up without him +at a London hotel in company with Another. That seems a situation +insecure enough to satisfy the most exacting. But even from this nothing +results, and husband and wife drift together again. I like to think that +nowadays, what with Zeps and other things, poor old _John_ may grow +really contented. Meanwhile, clever as it is, the tale seems oddly +anæmic and unreal. It is like those tragically trivial journals of 1914 +that still survive in the dusty waiting-rooms of dentists. I don't +suggest that Mr. BROWN, whose previous book I much admired, should write +about the War; but I could wish him a little more in tune with the +spirit it has produced. + + * * * * * + +_Faith Tresilion_ (WARD, LOCK) is a book of brave and of some diabolical +deeds, but as Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS sees to it that his murderers and +wreckers get their due he leaves me with the hopeful feeling that what +happened to super-criminals a hundred years or so ago will also be their +fate in this year of grace. _Faith_ is the type of heroine with whom +readers of this amazingly industrious author are familiar--a fearless +girl who does a man's work without for a moment becoming unsexed. She +was in a difficult position enough, for her brother was a smuggler and +she was in love, head to heels, with the local gangster. There are other +complications, but this is the chief one, and it is worked out in Mr. +_Phillpotts_' best West-country manner. I accept _Faith_ and salute her, +but it is before her mother that I completely bow the knee. Mrs. +_Tresilion_ was paralysed up to her waist, which was just as well, for +if her activities had not been limited she would have swamped the whole +book. As it was she lay in bed, drank gin, directed various operations +with her eye fixed rather upon this world than the next, and told her +visitors precisely what she thought of them. I am thankful not to have +met this devastating lady in the flesh, because to be called "a +hookery-snidy, trundle-trailed king-crab," and then told to kiss her, +would have been more than I could bear. + + * * * * * + +I feel that Miss CONSTANCE HOLME will be the first to agree with me on +reflection that as a beginning of a chapter in _The Old Road from Spain_ +(MILLS) the following will not do: "The long bright day idled +interminably to its tryst with night. Luis ate his lonely meals in the +silent room," etc. It illustrates a defect of her rather over-intense +method. She would readily forgive me this stricture if she could know +the eagerness with which I read her picturesque pages to find out +exactly what was the matter with the _Huddlestons_ of Thorn. From a +Spanish ancestor, who had been wrecked with the Armada, they had +inherited a CURSE. It was a very original curse, and I dare not deprive +you of the pleasure of finding out what it was for yourself. Miss HOLME +puts in her background of mystery with skilful touches and handles her +characterisation with a good deal more subtlety than your mere +mystery-monger can command. She observes both men and things with +affection, writes of them with imagination. _Rowly Huddleston_, the +committee-ridden squire of Thorn, looks like a careful portrait from +life, and probably somebody also sat for that faithful soul, _Crane_, +the butler. A book to be commended. Its defects are the defects of +exuberance, the sort one only begins to notice after one has said, +"Hello! this is pretty good!" + + * * * * * + +_The Greater Glory_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is a collection of very short +sketches concerned with the War. They are a little unequal, some being +better than others, and others (naturally) being worse than some. They +all reveal their author, Miss EVELYN ORCHARD, as possessed of a +pleasantly unforced style, and perhaps rather more ease than +imagination. One of them, my own favourite, the story of a parson who +enlisted, is conspicuous as containing so admirable a recruiting speech +that I can only hope it is transcribed from life. Having said so much, +perhaps I may be forgiven by Miss ORCHARD if I add that I would rather +have read her up upon some lighter theme. Her tuneful pipe contains some +very pleasant notes, both of sentiment and humour, but is altogether too +thin for variations upon so tremendous a motive as she has chosen. I +express, of course, only my personal feeling; but I am certain that +unless a book can rise to the magnitude of the War it had best leave it +alone. Still it may well be that others will find interest, and even +consolation, in these little papers. They have at least the charm of +simplicity, and are obviously the products of a gentle and sympathetic +nature. Thus, Miss ORCHARD can still see the pathos of the German +private. Well, well. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Look, dear--isn't that good? 'Will you march too, or +wait till March the Second'?"] + + * * * * * + +A PIOUS HOPE. + +[Suggested by an interview between M. SAZONOFF and Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE in +_The Daily Chronicle_.] + + The Russian statesman, HAROLD BEGBIE thinks, + Is a good egg and not a subtle Sphinx; + Some day perhaps he will a better egg be + And tell us frankly what he thought of BEGBIE. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +150, MARCH 1, 1916*** + + +******* This file should be named 22687-8.txt or 22687-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/8/22687 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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