42 files changed, 6562 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/22687-8.txt b/22687-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a1b5804
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1931 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+March 1, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 1, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 20, 2007  [eBook #22687]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, MARCH 1, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22687-h.htm or 22687-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/0/22687/22687-h/22687-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/0/22687/22687-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+MARCH 1, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The Volunteers have at last been recognised. There has been nothing like
+it since the great recognition-scene in _Electra_.
+
+       ***
+
+The case has been reported of a Stepney child which has developed a
+disease of the brain, as the result of an air raid. Similar cases are
+said to have been observed in the neighbourhood of Fleet Street.
+
+       ***
+
+It now transpires that the music of St. Paul's Cathedral emanates from
+an organ of German construction. There seems to be some doubt as to
+whether an explanation is due from _The Westminster Gazette_ or _The
+Times_.
+
+       ***
+
+The mysterious shortage of butter in Germany, which has resulted in
+measures being drafted limiting the consumption to 4 ozs. per week per
+adult, is now explained. Count VON BERNSTORFF has used up all the
+available supplies on Congress.
+
+       ***
+
+The General Omnibus Company has made the announcement that it will not
+employ any women drivers for its omnibuses. The company's officers fear
+that if women were so employed there would be an absence of that racy
+repartee which alone prevents traffic from reaching a condition of
+indescribable congestion.
+
+       ***
+
+The demand for second-hand pianos now for the first time in the history
+of the trade far exceeds the supply. It is not only in Germany that War
+and frightfulness go hand-in-hand.
+
+       ***
+
+The capture of Mush by the Russian army of the Caucasus is an event the
+importance of which has not been fully recognized. It is undoubtedly the
+place from which the Turkish official reports of victory have been
+issued.
+
+       ***
+
+The Marconi Company have announced that "deferred plain language
+telegrams" will again be received. More truckling to the Tory Press!
+
+       ***
+
+A traveller returning from East Africa reports that, notwithstanding the
+military operations that are taking place in various parts of the
+country, rhinoceroses appear to be increasing in numbers. It is
+explained that the falling-off in the European demand for potted reed
+birds is responsible for the phenomenon.
+
+       ***
+
+It is announced that the Cabinet are to take a portion of their salaries
+in Exchequer Bonds. Not to be outdone the members of the Reichstag are
+said to have agreed to soil their fingers with dirty British gold rather
+than hinder the German Government's operations for correcting the
+depreciation of the mark.
+
+       ***
+
+The suggestion has been put forward that, as a timely War economy,
+well-to-do people should give up their hot-houses. There seems to be a
+division of opinion, however, as to whether the hot-house plants should
+be given their liberty, or (as economy would seem to dictate) be killed
+for the table.
+
+       ***
+
+Australia has suspended the trade-marks of 450 German articles. It would
+be interesting to know if the most historic German trade-mark, "MADE IN
+THE UNITED STATES," is among these.
+
+       ***
+
+"Mr. Julian Kimball (of Covent Garden and the London Opera House)," says
+the Musical critic of _The Daily Mail_, "is a singer you can watch as
+well as listen to." The desirability of concealing the faces of some of
+our principal singers in the past is undoubtedly one of the reasons why
+England has lagged behind in the musical art.
+
+       ***
+
+A well-known candidate for the East Herts Division is said to be
+urgently in need of motor cars. His opponents however point out that the
+need to economise in petrol was never more urgent than at present.
+
+       ***
+
+Speaking on the question of the shortage of freights Mr. RUNCIMAN
+stated, a few days ago, that he did not know that ostrich feathers took
+up much room. Has he never been to a matinée?
+
+       ***
+
+In the same connection a member of the Ladies' Kennel Club writes: "I
+let them take my husband for their horrid old War without grumbling, but
+when they tell me that poor little Nanki-Poo can't have his
+ostrich-feather pillow to lie on I think it is too much!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Midget_ (_as he comes to_). "I expect the War's been a
+bit bad for your regular business, Mister?"
+
+_Second_. "Not it. The boot-makin' trade's as good as ever."
+
+_Midget._ "Oh, you're a boot-maker, are you? Funny--I made certain you
+was a cab-washer."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The profits of the Bradford Dyers' Association exceed the most
+    sanguinary expectations."
+
+              _Morning Paper_.
+
+The influence of the War, again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+S.P.C.A., please note.
+
+    "Dogs are generally from 9 to 18 inches long and the teeth from
+    3 to 8 inches long; the service pattern are from 12 to 15 inches
+    long with 6 inch teeth. For straight dogs the ends of the teeth
+    should be slightly further apart than at their root. Dogs when
+    heated red-hot can be twisted till their teeth make any required
+    angle with each other, generally a right angle; they are then
+    known as skew dogs."
+
+                _Military Engineering_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The offensive eggs were first placed in a mangle, and the slow,
+    crude, and obnoxious process was gone through of crushing them.
+    The pugnacity of the smell arising from this progress became
+    appalling."--_Grocers' Journal_.
+
+Fit to knock one down, in fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady, 45, domesticated, Protestant, furniture, wishes
+    Correspondence with Respectable Widower and Bachelor; view
+    matrimony."--_Southport Visitor_.
+
+One of the two gentlemen will have to be content with the furniture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CURE FOR DEPRESSION.
+
+  Moments there are of transient gloom
+    When life for me appears to lose
+  Its rosy aspect and assume
+    The turnip's pessimistic hues;
+  As when o' mornings, gazing out
+    Across my patch of fog-grey river,
+  I feel a twinge of poor man's gout
+    Or else a touch of liver;
+
+  Or when, forgetting WATTS'S rhymes
+    On puppy-dogs that bark and bite,
+  _The Westminster_ attacks _The Times_,
+    Starting a most unseemly fight;
+  Or when I find some Labour sheet
+    Still left at large to boom rebellion,
+  Or hear the thin pacific bleat
+    Of "my hon. friend" TREVELYAN;
+
+  When enemy craft career above,
+    Unchallenged (till they've had their fling);
+  Or Little Willie's vernal shove
+    Anticipates the dawn of Spring;
+  When Neutrals want an open door
+    Kept wide for their commercial dealings,
+  And we must risk to lose the War
+    Rather than hurt their feelings.
+
+  Such moments, making Hope look bleak,
+    And Courage turn a little blue,
+  Even with hearts as tough as teak
+    May well occur; but, when they do,
+  This thought will readjust your bile
+    And prove the best of appetisers:--?
+  _Would I exchange_ (here's where you smile)
+    _Our chances with the KAISER'S?_
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. XXXV.
+
+(_From Enver Pasha._)
+
+Sire,--Surely the course of human affairs is often strange and
+perplexing. When we formed the Committee of Union and Progress and
+deposed the wretched ABDUL from the Sultanate no sane man can have
+thought that you and I should ever be friends. ABDUL was your friend;
+you and yours had lavished upon him and his creatures all your arts for
+the purpose of obtaining influence and promoting the interest--forgive
+me for saying it--not so much of Turkey as of the German Empire. When
+therefore we emerged, and ABDUL with his system retired, all your
+beautiful schemes seemed to be shattered into pieces so small that no
+human ingenuity could avail to pick them up and fit them together again.
+Yet lo and behold, the impossible has happened. ABDUL remains in
+darkness, I and my colleagues are in power, and you and I are even more
+closely knit together than is altogether desirable for me and those whom
+(indirectly, perhaps, but not the less effectively) I help to govern. I
+am entitled therefore to have a heart-to-heart talk with my
+bosom-friend, and, anyhow, whether I am entitled or not, that is what I
+propose to have. You may tell me in your genial way that I am only an
+upstart, but I answer that I occupy my position not because my father
+and my grandfather were big men, but because I myself, through my own
+plans and by my own strength, did certain things which in my judgment
+had to be done.
+
+What I now feel, O my friend, is this: I am beginning to doubt whether
+in all this tremendous confusion of fighting I have made the right
+choice. It wasn't _necessary_ for us Turks to fight at all; it wasn't
+even desirable. We had suffered a severe set-back in the first Balkan
+War, and in the second we were only just able, owing to the consummate
+folly of that silly knave, your friend, TSAR FERDINAND, to snatch a
+brand or two from the burning. What we wanted was rest, and had it not
+been for you we might have had it--yes, and our wounds might have been
+healed and our finances restored, while others endured privation and
+loss.
+
+All that, as I say, we might have had; but from the day when the
+_Goeben_ arrived off Constantinople we were doomed. That, indeed, was a
+master-stroke on your part, but for us it has meant misery on an
+ever-increasing scale. What were your promises? We were to have Egypt,
+but you were to be there too, and you were to hold the Bagdad railway
+and the regions through which it ran. We were to help you in conquering
+India, but you were to keep it for yourself when once it was conquered.
+We were to have a free hand with the Armenians. Well, we have had it,
+and the Armenians are fewer by half-a-million than they were. Pleasant
+as it is to contemplate the destruction of those restless and disloyal
+infidels, it cannot be said that we have gained any advantage from it,
+for the Russians have taken Erzerum and are sweeping through Armenia in
+a mighty and irresistible torrent, while our Turkish armies are
+scattered to the winds of heaven. Strong as you are and prodigal of
+promises, here you have failed to make good your pledges of help, and
+nowhere else do you seem able to achieve anything, except the crushing
+of little nations.
+
+I look back with loathing upon the day when I was mad enough to listen
+to you and to become a partner in your schemes. You flattered us, nay,
+you even fawned upon us in order to secure your ends, and, now that our
+forces have been joined with yours, ruin menaces my country and my race.
+You, forsooth, allow yourself to be held up as a great prophet of Islam
+and a Heaven-sent protector of its faith; but we who see our nation
+crumbling into dust owing to your selfish ambition may be pardoned if at
+last we look to ourselves and attempt to save what still remains to us.
+To work, as they say, for the King of PRUSSIA has never been a
+profitable undertaking.
+
+Yours, ENVER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Fireworks were thrown from the gallery and the audience rushed
+    on the platform, pelting the Pacifists with red ochre. The
+    meeting ended with the sinking of Rule Britannia."--_Egyptian
+    Gazette._
+
+The Pacifists appear to have had the last word, after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mill Manager Honoured.--Mr. ---- has been elected a Fellow of
+    the Royal Society for the encouragement of fits."--_Times of
+    India._
+
+We do not recognise the Society, but imagine it may be the Taylorian
+Institute.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It will take about 12 days for goods traffic to become normal
+    again, although of course passenger traffic is not interfered
+    with in the slightest. In the meantime the booking of elephants
+    and other perishables has been stopped."--_Rangoon Times._
+
+Unless, of course, they leave their trunks behind them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We observe that Mr. WATERS BUTLER has been appointed a member of the
+Liquor Control Board, with the hearty approval of the Birmingham Beer,
+Spirit and Wine Trade Association. If there is anything in a name no one
+should be better able to hold the balance between them and the
+teetotalers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MILITARY REASON.
+
+"FOR MILITARY REASONS OUR ARMY HAS WITHDRAWN FROM ERZERUM."
+
+_Turkish official communiqué (nearly a week after the event)_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Coster_ (_to parish visitor, who has been commiserating
+with him on the loss of his father_). "Yes, Mum, 'e were a splendid
+father to us and no mistake. Yer see, Mum, there was eleven of us, and I
+never knowed 'im raise 'is 'and to one of us--'cept as it might be in
+self-defence."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FRONT.
+
+Some officers like putting up barbed wire, not so much, I think, from
+any real deep-seated affection for the stuff itself, or from any
+confidence in the protection it affords--its disintegration being one of
+the assumed preliminaries of an attack--as for the satisfaction of
+writing in the Weekly Work Report, "In front of X276 we put up 97 rolls
+of barbed wire; in front of S279, 342 rolls; in front of X276a, 3,692
+rolls ..." and so on.
+
+An officer who overdoes this sport of kings gets a trench a bad name; it
+becomes a trench with a great wiring tradition to be maintained. One of
+us took over a legacy from one of these barbarians last trip. H.Q. had
+got wind of his zeal and was determined that we for our part should not
+be idle. It was murmured in billets, it was whispered upon the _pavé_,
+that for the officer taking over B116 there was a great wiring toward.
+The officer taking over B116 hated wiring worse than bully beef. He said
+you either die of pneumonia through standing still pretending to
+supervise, or tire yourself to bits and earn the undying contempt of
+your party by pretending to take an active share in the game.
+
+Howbeit he took over B116 and was told by the Next Man Up to wire to his
+heart's content. He asked the Next Man Up just where he wanted the
+wiring to be performed. The Next Man Up waved an airy arm in the
+direction of the Hun, and observed, "Out there, of course. Think we
+wanted you to wire Hampstead Heath?" Then the B116 officer took the
+N.M.U. to the parapet and showed him waving acres of high wire, low
+wire, loose wire, tight wire, thick wire, thin wire, two ply, three ply,
+and four ply, plain and barbed, running out and out into the dusk.
+
+The N.M.U. gave it all a dispassionate sort of look, and merely said,
+"Oh, go out in front of all that. The Bosch is miles off just here."
+
+Now B116 is a front line trench in a re-entrant. The Hun trench facing
+it is also in a re-entrant, the original front lines on both sides
+having been crumpled and flooded out of existence. So when night fell
+the officer of B116 took his party and set out, and he went on and on,
+and then on, and there was still wire. And he went on and on and on. And
+there were bits of old trenches and saps and listening posts, but still
+wire. And he went on and on and there were more bits of trench and more
+wire. And he went on and on--and I know this is true because he told
+me--and on and on until (no, he did not come back to our own trench, he
+had a compass) an exceptionally good lot of fireworks went up, and he
+was fired at and bombed by Germans behind and Germans in front and
+Germans on either side, and, mind you, he was still in the wire. So he
+waited until all the Germans appeared to have killed each other or gone
+to sleep, and brought his party laboriously back to B116, from which he
+sent to the Next Man Up a message which ran: "If you want me to wire
+Bosch third line, kindly arrange for artillery preparation."
+
+It is some days now since they put up any wire in front of B116.
+
+It is a fact well known to all our most widely-circulated photographic
+dailies that these German gunners waste a power of ammunition. The only
+criticism I have to make is that I wish they would waste it more
+carefully. The way they go strewing the stuff about round us is such
+that they're bound to hit someone or something before long. Still we
+have only two more days in, and they seldom give us more than ten
+thousand shells a day.
+
+We are in billets now, and frankly, I am beginning to be very exercised
+about my boots. When I say "my boots" I mean rather the boots concerning
+me than "the boots that are mine." I wanted, some couple of months ago,
+a new pair of boots. I told the Quartermaster, and he looked at my then
+boots superciliously and said he could quite believe it.
+
+I rashly left it at that, imagining something would happen. A man like a
+quartermaster, who rolls in boots, would, I felt, think nothing of
+sending along a dozen pairs before breakfast, with a chit telling me to
+give away what I couldn't use. But no. It seems every boot in his store
+was numbered.
+
+I approached him again, and demanded boots, soberly, seriously and
+strenuously, I even offered to pay for them. This appeared to cheer him
+a little, and he murmured something about Army Form 247 x2b, not at
+present in stock, but indispensable to the issue of the most negligible
+boot on payment. My further efforts were, owing to exigencies of my
+military situation, conducted through emissaries. My servant would
+demand of his company agent nightly, what about them boots? And the
+company agent would reply--also nightly--that, if the officer would send
+his size down, the matter would be put through at once. For five nights
+running my size in boots went down with the empty water tins. On the
+last night I added a sketch of my feet and of my present boots, with
+scale of kilometres subjoined, a brief history of footgear in Flanders
+from pre-Cæsarian times to the present day, one piece of broken lace
+from the old boots, and anything else that struck me as likely to put
+the matter a little further through.
+
+The lace appeared to put quite a new idea into their heads. The advance
+booting agent now seemed to think that if I had some boots already I
+might get the new pair by a process known as exchange, which takes less
+time and has the additional advantage of not costing anything. This
+struck them as an excellent new game for several days while they were
+deciding which was the right army form for an officer desirous of
+exchanging boots. At last all appeared fixed up. I came back into
+billets with every confidence of finding a couple of boots waiting for
+me on the mat. Of course I didn't really _believe_ they would be there;
+I only had every confidence. Anyhow they were not.
+
+This morning the Quartermaster called in person. He wanted to know what
+size I took in boots.
+
+I expect now that the matter will be put through almost at once.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR BOYS.
+
+_Outraged Elder Brother_ (_who has been asked for a light_). "You're a
+nice example for young 'Erb. 'Ow dare you 'ave Cigarettes?"
+
+_Brother Bill._ "They ain't mine--they're 'Erb's."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Impending Apology.
+
+    "Chaplain would appreciate portable Gramophone for clearing
+    station."--_The Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARD CASES.
+
+Among other applications which were recently heard for exemption from
+the new Compulsory Service Act for unmarried men we extract the
+following:--
+
+Mr. Isaac Goldstein claimed exemption for his clerk, a stalwart youth of
+twenty-two, on the ground that he was indispensable to him in his
+business.
+
+Asked what his business was the applicant said he was a bookmaker.
+
+_The Chairman._ I thought there was no racing now.
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ Oh, yes. Steeple-chasing every week.
+
+_The Chairman._ Do people still go to races and bet?
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ Of course they do. Why not?
+
+_The Chairman._ I fancied they might have found other things to do. Also
+I fancied that money might be short.
+
+The applicant said that there was plenty of money about if you knew
+where to look for it.
+
+_The Chairman._ And who ride the horses?
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ The jockeys, of course.
+
+_The Chairman._ They prefer that to doing anything more serious for
+their country?
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ They are doing something very serious for their
+country. They're preserving the breed of horses. Where would old
+England's horseflesh be without races and steeplechases?
+
+_The Chairman._ You say this young man is indispensable to you. How?
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ He is my clerk. He writes down the bets. I haven't got
+time to write down bets myself; I'm too busy taking them. He's one of
+the quickest clerks in England. I should go broke if I hadn't got him.
+
+Application refused.
+
+Mr. Joe Tummilee applied for the exemption of a comedian playing in his
+revue, "Never mind the War." This young man, he said, who was
+twenty-nine, was the life and soul of the piece, and if he joined the
+Army the applicant would be put both to inconvenience and loss.
+
+_The Chairman._ Are there not older or married actors that you could
+employ for this great work?
+
+_Mr. Tummilee._ They're not so good. The comedian in question was a very
+agile dancer and was also good-looking. Other men might not attract the
+public.
+
+_The Chairman._ Is the attraction of the public essential?
+
+_Mr. Tummilee (surprised)._ Naturally. How should we managers live
+otherwise? Besides, when a great war is going on it's a national duty to
+try and make people forget. My theatre, you perhaps are not aware, is a
+favourite resort for wounded soldiers, who are never so happy as when
+they are there.
+
+_The Chairman._ Surely all that happiness will not disappear because
+this one performer is missing?
+
+_Mr. Tummilee._ Most of it. He's the great draw.
+
+_The Chairman._ Has it not occurred to you that the country ought to
+come first?
+
+_Mr. Tummilee._ I consider I'm doing a great deal for the country, and
+he too, by making it laugh.
+
+_The Chairman._ You must find an older funny man or soon we may all be
+weeping.
+
+Application refused.
+
+Mr. Samuel Bland claimed exemption on the ground that he disapproved of
+war and physical force.
+
+_The Chairman._ What would you do if you caught a burglar in your house?
+
+_Applicant._ I should lock him in and call for the police.
+
+_The Chairman._ Then you don't mind relying on the physical force of
+others for your own protection?
+
+_Applicant._ That is part of the machinery of civilisation.
+
+_The Chairman._ So, I fear, is an army. Do you pay your taxes?
+
+_Applicant._ Yes.
+
+_The Chairman._ Why?
+
+_The Applicant._ Because there is Scriptural warrant for it.
+
+_The Chairman._ But you know that a large part of them goes to maintain
+our fighting men. Without money we should have to give in.
+
+_Applicant._ I obey the law. I don't necessarily know where the money is
+going.
+
+_The Chairman._ Your position is very illogical. Either you should take
+your part in defending your country or obey your conscience and either
+go to prison for refusing to pay taxes for the carrying-on of the War,
+or emigrate to some place more like Utopia than this is. As it is you
+take advantage of other men's readiness to fight and even to die for
+you, and actually pay them to do so, but raise conscientious objections
+to doing either for yourself. A conscience that is so adaptable is not
+worth considering.
+
+Application refused.
+
+Harry Cadgsmith, who said he was a picture-palace proprietor, applied
+for exemption for the commissionaire who stood outside the building and
+invited people in.
+
+_The Chairman._ How old is he?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Thirty-four.
+
+_The Chairman._ Is he strong?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Very. He is also highly trained; he wears uniform and
+calls out the attractions. The cinema is one of the principal
+alleviations of modern life and but for this man's powerful voice many
+people might pass by and never enter.
+
+_The Chairman._ What kind of pictures do you show?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ The best.
+
+_The Chairman._ Are they English?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Some are. But the public prefer American ones. I always
+pride myself on giving the public what it has the sense to want.
+
+_The Chairman._ Might it not be better employed elsewhere? Making
+munitions, for example?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ That is nothing to do with me. My business is to supply
+a demand.
+
+_The Chairman._ What is your chief film this week?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ It is a very fine story entitled "The Prince of
+Crooks."
+
+_The Chairman._ Could not a woman take this man's place?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Not to do it justice.
+
+Application refused.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUAVE MARI MAGNO.
+
+(New Style).
+
+  'Tis sweet, so sage LUCRETIUS wrote of yore,
+  To watch a storm-tossed vessel from the shore,
+  Or safely placed, when hosts in conflict close,
+  To view the battle as it ebbs and flows;
+  But he, poor ancient, never knew the rare
+  Delight afforded by an easy-chair,
+  Wherein the slippered critic, at his ease,
+  His ample writing-pad upon his knees,
+  Primed with historic and romantic lore,
+  Indites his weekly comment on the War;
+  Revises or expands official news
+  With graphic touches and resplendent hues;
+  Teaches the doubtful battle where to rage
+  And sprinkles diagrams on ev'ry page;
+  Creates new posts or, at his own sweet will,
+  Proceeds expected vacancies to fill;
+  Deposes Kings, Prime Ministers, Grand Dukes,
+  And rival pundits suitably rebukes.
+  A hundred thousand readers every week
+  For solace in his commentaries seek,
+  Swear by his arguments, and swear at those
+  Which rival quidnuncs artfully oppose.
+  Matched with an occupation such as this
+  Philosophy is destitute of bliss;
+  He only breathes content's untroubled air
+  Who wages warfare from a snug armchair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _R.N. Cadet_ (_during his first term at Osborne--where he
+has been told always to salute his superior officers of both
+services--meeting some "temporary" subalterns who disregard his
+salute_). "Really, mother, if these temporary subs of the junior service
+cannot behave as gentlemen and return my salute, I shall certainly give
+up taking any notice of them." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD OPENINGS FOR M.P.'s.
+
+_The Manchester Guardian_ complains that there is a remarkable monotony
+about the opening of speeches in the House of Commons.
+
+"On Wednesday forty-five speeches (not counting brief efforts in the way
+of interjections) were delivered, and in thirty cases the speeches began
+with the first person singular. Only fifteen members could think of
+anything more original." It appears that four speeches began with "I
+beg," four with "I should like," three with "I wish," and three with "I
+am sure."
+
+It may be a little daring, perhaps, to suggest that some originality
+should be introduced into the methods of Parliamentary orators (writes a
+correspondent); but as one whose courage has never failed him in telling
+other people how to go about their business I venture to suggest a few
+openings which possibly have never yet been utilised.
+
+As it is half the battle, to the speaker, to grip interest at the very
+outset, the following might be tried: "Drip, drip, drip--the blood fell
+from the ceiling." This would cause departing Members to drop sharply
+back into their seats. Only a little ingenuity would be required to make
+these words the opening of a speech on any timely topic. Our
+aristocratic legislators could make certain of arresting attention by
+beginning, "In the words of a friend of mine, a well-known Peckham
+butcher"--another gambit that could be made to suit any subject, from
+the shipping problem to the Zeppelin nuisance.
+
+Or again, "The missis woke me up in the middle of last Tuesday night,
+and said"--This is the kind of homely touch that would ensure a
+sympathetic hearing.
+
+Members might also make a good start with "'Twas" and "Methinks," even
+at the risk of being accused of the use of unparliamentary expressions.
+
+If they would only study the poets I they would find plenty of bright
+and original openings. What better could be desired than BROWNING'S
+
+  "So, at home, the sick tall yellow Duchess
+  Was left with the infant in her clutches,"
+
+if occasion should arise in the House for criticism of the heartless
+action of a Local Tribunal in disallowing a Duke's claim for exemption?
+
+Many a man possesses an undiscovered knack of extempore rhyming, a gift
+which has seldom or never been exercised in the House of Commons. That
+will be a bright day for legislators when a Member rises in his place
+and begins something like this: "Sir, if the House will bear with me one
+moment, I should like to say that I, for one, cannot agree that we have
+found the perfect way of dealing with a gross neglect to which all
+honest men object." Any Member who could keep up that sort of thing for
+half-an-hour (and some, no doubt, could, if they would only practise)
+would achieve lasting fame, not only for his originality, but because of
+the remarkable scenes amid which his concluding lines would almost
+certainly be uttered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans planned to expel the British from South Africa,
+    aided by disinfected Boers."
+
+          _Englishman (Calcutta)_,
+
+But, in the end, it was General BOTHA who cleared out the Germs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_after Sunday tea, on departure of officers
+quartered in the neighbourhood_). "I'm glad Captain Devereux didn't
+come, as I'm not looking my oldest to-day."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY DUG-OUT.
+
+(A Memory of Gallipoli)
+
+  It was my home, not ringed with roses blowing,
+    Nor set in meadows where cool waters croon;
+  Parched wastes were round it, and no shade was going,
+    Nor breath of violets nor song-birds' tune;
+  Only at times from the adjacent dwelling
+  Came down with Boreas the quaint, compelling
+        Scent of the Tenth Platoon.
+
+  And there not hermit-like alone I brooded,
+    But ant and lizard and all things that crawl
+  With great grasshoppers by brigades intruded;
+    Therein the tortoise had his homely stall;
+  Green flies and blue slept nightly in their notches,
+  Save when a serpent, in the middle watches,
+        Came and disturbed us all.
+
+  There, where the sun, the senseless sun, kept pouring,
+    And dust-clouds smothered one about the chest,
+  While secret waters filtered through the flooring
+    (In case the heat should leave one _too_ oppressed),
+  Always I lay in those sad fevered seasons
+  Which Red-Hat humourists, for mystic reasons,
+        Regarded as our "rest."
+
+  For it was home; and when I was not in it,
+    But in the trenches, it was home indeed;
+  When mad foes fired at twenty rounds a minute
+    (Not, I may say, the regulation speed),
+  For me far more it harboured my Penates;
+  I missed my animals; I missed my gay teas
+        With Alf, the centipede.
+
+  And I am shocked to think that that same ceiling
+    Shields now some Mussulman of lowly strain;
+  Yet, though he knows me not, I can't help feeling
+    That something of my spirit must remain,
+  And if, in that rich air the man should mellow
+  In mind, in soul, and be a better fellow,
+        I have not lived in vain.
+
+  And it may be, when worlds have ceased to wrestle,
+    I shall go back across the Midland foam
+  At special rates in some large tourist vessel
+    To my late hollow in the Sultan's loam,
+  And there clasp hands with that uplifted warrior,
+  Compare brief notes and wonder which was sorrier
+        To have to call it home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to treat a Wife.
+
+Extract from lecture by N.C.O.:--
+
+    "Your rifle is your best friend, take every care of it; treat it
+    as you would your wife, rub it all over with an oily rag every
+    day."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The court was crowded by Gaelic Leaguers and the proceedings
+    were marked by some disorderly scenes, until the magistrates
+    ordered their continuance."--_Dublin Evening Mail._
+
+Then, of course, being in Ireland, they ceased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Provincial Paper, reporting a speech upon heroes of the present War,
+represents the speaker as referring to "Bill Adams in Leigh Hunt's
+poem." This is the first time within our knowledge that our old friend
+_Abou Ben Adhem_ has been confounded with that other popular figure, the
+fictitious hero of Waterloo!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW FRIGHTFULNESS.
+
+_Admiral von Tirpitz_. "PIRACY IS DEAD. STILL, I LIKE TO THINK THAT,
+UNDER ANOTHER NAME, THE GOOD WORK GOES ON."
+
+[Berlin contends that, piracy being extinct, the arming of liners and
+merchant vessels is no longer legitimate, and that German submarines are
+therefore entitled to sink them at sight. The New Frightfulness is due
+to begin to-day.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A STRONG SOUTH-EASTER.
+
+I have been having further trouble with my neighbour, Petherton, whose
+place adjoins mine, being divided from it by a hedge. Beyond the hedge
+lies Petherton's small paddock, where his poultry amuse themselves, and,
+beyond that, Petherton's house and garden.
+
+But, however good a fence may be, it will not keep out, or keep in,
+smells. Therefore when Petherton engaged in apparently chemical
+operations giving off the most noxious gases I was rapidly forced to the
+conclusion that he ought to have a different kind of boundary between
+his property and mine, and also that the air of our neighbourhood no
+longer rivalled that of Bexhill, especially when the wind blew from the
+south-east.
+
+Wishing to remedy this state of affairs without recourse to unpleasant
+measures, I sat down to write to Petherton.
+
+    Dear Petherton,--These continual south-easterly winds portend
+    rain, I fear, and so I hope you have wrapped your parsnips up to
+    protect them from the probable excess of moisture which is so
+    injurious to all such plants.
+
+    My primary object in writing is not so much anxiety about the
+    health of your vegetables, but to ask whether you have noticed a
+    most unpleasant odour which seems to be heading north-west; at
+    any rate it is more unpleasant if possible when the wind is from
+    the south-east than at any other time.
+
+    It does not appear likely that the smell should have come from
+    the German lines, so we must look nearer home for the cause of
+    the trouble. Don't you think we ought to take joint action to
+    get the nuisance ended?
+
+    Yours, H. J. Fordyce.
+
+Petherton's reply was a bulky packet which, being opened, revealed a tin
+of dog soap. I could only infer that he wished to saddle Togo, our
+prize-bred Airedale, with the blame. Coward!
+
+However, true to my determination to be friendly if possible, I wrote:--
+
+    Dear Fred,--Thanks for the Camembert. Thomas our cat has not
+    quite completed the Moonlight Sonata which he has spent several
+    nights in composing, but as soon as it is published I will send
+    you a copy of it in return.
+
+    My nephew, over from France on short leave, came to see us
+    yesterday but left hurriedly. He said that the air was too
+    reminiscent of a place where he was severely gassed. _Don't you
+    notice anything?_
+
+    Yours as ever,  H. J. Fordyce.
+
+Within an hour of the delivery of this letter another parcel arrived
+from Petherton. It contained three ordinary clothes-pegs and a brief
+note, which ran:--
+
+    Sir,--I thought even you would be able to take the hint
+    contained in my previous parcel. As however it was evidently
+    lost on you, I am writing to suggest to you more plainly that
+    you should wash your dog. I noticed its deplorable condition
+    when I passed it in the road the other morning, and am surprised
+    that the simple explanation of the trouble has not occurred to
+    you before.
+
+    Should the course I recommend have no good effect, I can only
+    suggest your shooting, selling or otherwise disposing of the
+    malodorous pest, or else wearing one of the protectors of which
+    I enclose three. They are somewhat archaic in design, but should
+    just suit you and your household.
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    Frederick Petherton.
+
+I replied:--
+
+    Good old Freddie,--What a genius you are! Of course the dog is
+    the culprit. I was offered fifteen pounds for him the other day
+    and refused it. No doubt I should have received a better offer
+    but for the defect, which you so readily noticed, in the
+    animal's condition. I have just had him shampooed and when he is
+    dry I will examine him and report to you at once.
+
+    Many thanks for the charming nose-protectors, which however I
+    return, as they are all too large. I wonder if you would mind
+    changing them for sevens; these appear to be eight-and-a-halfs.
+
+    I am glad the wind has veered to the north-east. Your parsnips
+    will no doubt share my joy. By the way was it you I saw
+    yesterday in your paddock holding your nose just before the wind
+    shifted round? The man, whoever it was, was looking at your
+    poultry, which appear to be drooping.
+
+    Yours till the wind changes,
+
+    H. J. Fordyce.
+
+    P.S.--If I can get a good stamp-album in town to-day I will send
+    it to you. A change of hobby is often very beneficial.
+
+I followed this up with another letter in the afternoon, couched in more
+formal terms:--
+
+    Sir,--In fulfilment of the promise contained in my previous
+    letter of to-day's date I have the honour to inform you that my
+    dog Togo is not the cause of the trouble. As soon as he was dry
+    I fastened him up in the middle of my drawing-room, and my
+    household, myself included, sniffed at him from all points of
+    the compass. Then, leaving him still chained up, we went into
+    the garden and nearly fainted from the pestilential odours borne
+    on the breeze, which was again south-east.
+
+    If you have not suffered it seems clear to me that either (a)
+    you have a curious taste in scents, or (b) you have no sense of
+    smell. I think you should call in an expert, in the case of (a)
+    a brain specialist, or in the case of (b) a nose-plumber. In the
+    meantime I intend to consult another sort of expert, the
+    Sanitary Inspector.
+
+    Yours obediently, except in such a matter as this,
+
+    H. J. Fordyce.
+
+I wrote to the Inspector that night and received the following within
+twenty-four hours:--
+
+    Dear Sir,--Yours of yesterday's date to hand, and in reply I
+    regret that I am unable to assist you in the matter as your
+    neighbour, Mr. Petherton, is engaged on important experimental
+    work for the Government in connection with the manufacture of
+    asphyxiating gases, thus causing the unpleasant odours about
+    which I have received several complaints recently. I have been
+    in communication with Mr. Petherton on the matter, but he seems
+    unable to abate the nuisance. I am surprised that he has not
+    explained the position to you himself.
+
+    I remain, Yours obediently,
+
+    M. Tarbutt.
+
+    _pp_. A. C.
+
+On receiving the above I wrote to Petherton:--
+
+    Dear Fred,--Only a few words to say that I have just heard the
+    great news. Heartiest congratters. As a
+    strafe-scent-manufacturer you are IT. _À bas les Boches!_
+
+    But why so close about it all this time? If you had only let me
+    know about it sooner I would have dug a trench in my garden and
+    slept in it, instead of complaining. Henceforth I shall turn my
+    nose (well respirated) to the south-east every morning as an act
+    of homage.
+
+    Give it 'em hot, old man; don't mind us; we love it now. When
+    you get stuck for any fresh ingredients refer to _Macbeth_, Act
+    4, Scene I, though I should be inclined to think you have done
+    this already.
+
+    Yours gratefully, H. J. Fordyce.
+
+So far I have received no reply from Petherton. In the circumstances I
+excuse his apparent hauteur.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ships that pass in the Night."
+
+    "A large number of our kinsmen from over the seas were
+    unmarried, and he would like to see for every shipload of them
+    that came over a shipload of women from this country sent out to
+    be mated to them."--_Daily Paper._
+
+It looks as if it might be stalemate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 21st._--Although _de minimis non curat lex_, our
+law-makers delight in very small jokes. When Mr. CECIL BECK, as
+Vice-Chamberlain of the Household, delivered HIS MAJESTY's reply to the
+Address the House of Commons was chiefly interested in watching how he
+would accomplish the feat of walking backwards from the Table to the
+Bar. More than once in past history the task has proved too much for the
+man who essayed it, and the orderly retreat has degenerated into a
+shambling rout. But there was no such hitch to-day. Progressive
+politician though he is, Mr. BECK retraced his steps with graceful ease,
+and fully deserved the applause that rewarded his effort.
+
+[Illustration: FINANCIAL OPTIMISM.
+
+Mr. Micawber Asquith.]
+
+Irreverent opponents of the PRIME MINISTER have sometimes compared him
+to _Micawber_, on the ground that he was always waiting for something to
+turn up. I found another link to-day between these celebrated
+characters. As Mr. ASQUITH unfolded the details of the two new Votes of
+Credit, one of 120 millions to clear up the present financial year, the
+other of 300 millions to start the new one, he reminded me of _Micawber_
+calculating his indebtedness to _Traddles_. While professing a proper
+alarm at the colossal amount of the expenditure--nearly two thousand
+millions already, or twice the cost of the twenty-two years' war against
+NAPOLEON--he rolled these gigantic figures off his tongue as if he loved
+them. You will remember _Copperfield's_ remark when the famous I.O.U.
+had been handed over: "I am persuaded not only that this was quite the
+same to Mr. Micawber as paying the money, but that Traddles himself
+hardly knew the difference until he had had to think about it." The
+PRIME MINISTER'S financial optimism left the House under much the same
+impression, and Mr. MCKENNA rather deepened it by the declaration that
+with prudence and statesmanship our credit would survive the War however
+long it might last.
+
+_Tuesday, February 22nd._--For nearly ten years, without a break, Mr.
+GEORGE LAMBERT, Yeoman, as the reference-books describe him, sat on the
+Treasury Bench as Civil Lord of the Admiralty. Then the Coalition came
+along and his place knew him no more. For eight long months he has
+yearned to let the new Administration know what he thought of them, and
+to-day he seized the opportunity furnished by the Vote on Account.
+
+Beginning with a moving tale of how the War Office took several weeks
+and a traction engine to move a load of hay two miles from a rick to a
+railway station in his native Devon, the Yeoman proceeded with other
+counts of his indictment. The PRIME MINISTER mentioned yesterday a new
+plan by which an outside Committee, composed of business men and headed
+by a Cabinet Minister, was checking the expenditure of the Service
+Departments. (The cost of shells, we were told to-day by Dr. ADDISON,
+has been brought down to a figure which means an economy of £400,000 a
+week on our future production.)
+
+But Mr. LAMBERT would have none of it. Speaking with all the authority
+of his long official experience he laid down the dictum that one Cabinet
+Minister could not supervise another. Next he attacked the new Order in
+Council, which makes the Chief of the Staff responsible for the orders
+given to the Army, declaring that it reduced Lord KITCHENER to the level
+of a civilian; and finally he denounced the Government for not making
+more use of Lord FISHER. Under the stress of these terrific blows the
+Government ought to have reeled, if it did not fall. But nothing
+happened, except that the Votes on Account for four hundred and twenty
+millions were by half-past seven duly passed.
+
+In the Lords meanwhile the Government was sustaining a heavier attack,
+arising out of their failure to stop all supplies from reaching Germany.
+Lord SYDENHAM attributed it to the Declaration of London, which had
+crippled the Navy; Lord BERESFORD thought it was the result of trying to
+run a war with a Cabinet that included twenty-one amateurs. Lord
+LANSDOWNE, a master of the quip modest, thereupon stated the
+Government's intention to add a twenty-second to the twenty-one by
+appointing a Minister of Blockade.
+
+_Wednesday, February 23rd._--At Question-time, Mr. ASQUITH announced
+that the new Minister was Lord ROBERT CECIL. It is close upon fifty
+years since another Lord ROBERT CECIL (who had just become Lord
+CRANBORNE) entered the Cabinet of Lord DERBY.
+
+[Illustration: NEW DEPARTURES BY SEA AND AIR.
+
+Lord Robert Cecil and Lord Derby.]
+
+In consequence of the recent decision that no Member shall in future
+receive two salaries it had been rumoured that Parliamentary salaries
+would be abolished altogether. There were signs of heartfelt relief from
+various quarters of the House when the PREMIER met the suggestion with
+an uncompromising "No."
+
+Captain J. S. RANKINE, the khaki-clad giant who took his seat for East
+Toxteth to-day, had a warm reception, all the more grateful in view of
+the blizzard that raged without. The temperature of the House fell
+rapidly, however, when Mr. SNOWDEN proceeded to outline his views on the
+subject of peace. In vain he attempted to show that there was a
+considerable party in Germany ready to come to terms if only they knew
+what our terms were. Members listened in chilly silence. They thawed
+into laughter when the Hon. Member with some lack of humour quoted the
+German CHANCELLOR'S declaration, "We do not threaten small nations;" and
+they cheered when he quoted, with intent to condemn, Lord ROSEBERY'S
+statement that Germany must be utterly crushed. Nor was the House more
+impressed by Mr. TREVELYAN'S proposal that as there might be a
+peace-party in Germany it was our duty to "state our full terms and find
+out."
+
+The PRIME MINISTER'S reply was, I fear, very painful to the pacificists.
+The German CHANCELLOR'S statement he found to be one of "colossal and
+shameless audacity." German Socialists might prate of peace, but only
+twenty out of five times that number in the Reichstag had the courage to
+vote against the War Credit. Our terms were already on record in the
+speech which he made at the LORD MAYOR'S Banquet in 1914. Until
+Belgium--"and I will add Serbia"--has been fully reinstated, until
+France is secured against aggression, until the smaller nationalities
+are safeguarded, until the military domination of Prussia is destroyed,
+"not until then shall we or any of our gallant Allies abate by one jot
+our prosecution of this War." The cheers that greeted this declaration
+lasted almost as long as the speech itself. In the ensuing debate Mr.
+PONSONBY, Sir W. BYLES, and one or two others emitted what Mr. STANTON
+picturesquely described as "the croakings and bleatings of the fatted
+lambs who had besmirched their own country." But they created no effect.
+Mr. SNOWDEN's early peace had been nipped by the frost.
+
+_Thursday, February 24th._--In both Houses the administration of the
+Military Service Act was again the subject of criticism. From the
+explanations given by Lord NEWTON and Mr. TENNANT it appears that most
+of the complaints against the recruiting officers for over-pressure have
+come from men who were applying for armlets, not for exemption. As Lord
+NEWTON put it, a man, if he wants to obtain an armlet, must run the risk
+of being taken for some kind of service. Mr. TENNANT reminded some of
+his critics, not superfluously, that the object of this Act was to get
+men to serve.
+
+Lord DERBY, fresh from his triumph as Director of Recruiting, is to act
+as Chairman of the new Joint Committee which will supervise and
+co-ordinate naval and military aviation. For him, as for that other
+_Ariel_, "there's more work." The same is now true of Colonel LOCKWOOD
+who, since the opening of the Session, has been in a condition of
+suspended animation. The Kitchen Committee, in the opinion of many
+Members the most important of all the Committees, had not been set up,
+and consequently could not elect a Chairman. How Members have lived
+through more than a week without any visible means of securing
+subsistence it is not for me to reveal. Suffice it to say that no case
+of absolute starvation has come to my notice. To-day all is well. The
+Kitchen Committee is again in being, and "Uncle Mark" has once more been
+appointed Minister of the Interior (unpaid, except by the gratitude and
+affection of his fellow-Members). Fresh responsibilities have now been
+thrust upon him. This afternoon it fell to him, as temporary Leader of
+the Opposition, to ask the customary question as to next week's
+business. Having heard the PRIME MINISTER'S reply, he sat for a few
+moments as if lost in thought, calculating, no doubt, by a rapid process
+of mental arithmetic what the Consolidated Fund Bill, Supplementary
+Estimates and the Civil Service Vote would amount to in terms of
+dinners, teas and other light refreshments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Enraged Tommy_ (_bespattered with mud by sniper's bullet
+aimed a bit too low_). "Put up yer sight, yer careless blighter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On a bookseller's stall in Liverpool:--
+
+    "_The English Nation_. A really cheap lot."
+
+We find them most expensive to keep up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress_. "Isn't it dreadful, Jane, about these
+Zeppelins? It wouldn't be so wicked if they only destroyed munition
+works."
+
+_Jane_. "Yes, Mum. But they 'adn't ought to do that neither. They knows
+puffickly well as we wants all the ammunitions as we can get."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
+
+Jimmy says his bloodhound is always very glad to get loose after being
+tied up all night, and it's because HARVEY discovered the circulation of
+the blood. Jimmy says Faithful doesn't know he has got the circulation
+of the blood, but he always has a little run round when he gets free. It
+only takes him about five minutes to do his round, and an hour and
+a-half afterwards you would never believe he had been round at all,
+things are so quiet again.
+
+Jimmy says the man next door told him he didn't mind so much about the
+circulation of the blood as the circulation of the bloodhound. Jimmy
+says it's because his chickens all begin shouting Hooray! as soon as
+Faithful starts, and they get up trees to watch him instead of being
+busy laying eggs at twopence each. Faithful doesn't want them to go up
+trees, Jimmy says, and tries to make them come down, but they won't--not
+on any account--and he has to leave them for other things that require
+his attention.
+
+Jimmy says there's a charwoman in one of the houses on Faithful's beat,
+and sometimes you can hear her trying to char him, and then lots of
+things come out through the front door, with Faithful in the middle of
+them. Sometimes you don't know which is Faithful and which is a
+scrubbing-brush, and it's because of the revolution. Jimmy says if
+Faithful notices that anything wants doing on his way round he always
+tries to do it, even though nobody knew that it wanted doing. Faithful
+got a sparrow out of a greenhouse like that, Jimmy says. It was a cheeky
+sparrow and kept flying about at Faithful and hiding behind the pots on
+the stage. Jimmy says bloodhounds don't stand any nonsense of that sort,
+and the sparrow ought to have known it. But it kept looking round
+flower-pots at Faithful and chirruping at him sideways, and didn't
+realise that its life hung by a thread.
+
+Jimmy says the best of well-trained bloodhounds is that they never get
+flurried; they go about their work systematically. The sparrow didn't
+seem to know that, Jimmy says, and when Faithful got on the stage and
+began clearing the decks for action it actually had the face to go and
+pick up a worm that came out of one of the pots that fell on the ground.
+Jimmy says whenever a pot rolled off the stage Faithful always looked
+over the edge to see if it had arrived safely. He is always careful like
+that.
+
+Jimmy says the sparrow only escaped by the skin of its teeth, because
+just as Faithful had got everything out of the way and was going to set
+to work in earnest, the sparrow flew out and went and sat up in a tree
+chirruping like anything. Faithful was absolutely disgusted with it,
+Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy took his bloodhound out to the Hill Farm one morning. The farmer
+was very glad to see Faithful again, Jimmy says; he told Jimmy that they
+were going to cut corn and there would be a main of rabbits in them for
+sure. Jimmy says bloodhounds have to turn their hands to anything these
+days, even catching rabbits. Faithful didn't seem to mind, Jimmy says,
+but it seemed very curious to hear the deep baying of a bloodhound in a
+peaceful cornfield. Jimmy says it made the men stop work and look at
+each other, and the man who was driving the reaping-machine got down to
+see where it wanted oiling. You see he hadn't heard a bloodhound before.
+
+There was another dog there, Jimmy says, in case the rabbits came out
+too quickly for Faithful to catch them all. The first rabbit that came
+out didn't have any chance, Jimmy says. It bolted out as hard as it
+could, and there was a splendid race between the rabbit and Faithful.
+You see the rabbit was making for a burrow in the hedge, but old
+Faithful got there first and tried to get his head down it, to cut off
+the rabbit's retreat. Jimmy says the rabbit was nonplussed, and the
+other dog caught it easily. It is beautiful to see two dogs work
+together like that, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says Faithful didn't require the help of the other dog with the
+next rabbit that came his way, but the other dog was very impulsive. You
+see Faithful was lying down with his mouth open trying to look like a
+rabbit hole, and he did it so well that the rabbit came straight at him.
+Jimmy says Faithful swerved about ten yards to one side in order to hurl
+himself bodily at the rabbit, and he would have done it if the other dog
+hadn't poked his nose in.
+
+Jimmy says the other dog killed the rabbit, but Faithful went up and
+smelt at it like anything. Faithful is a splendid smeller, Jimmy says.
+He can retrieve rabbits almost as well as he can catch them.
+
+The farmer was surprised to see how quickly Faithful got off the mark at
+the sound of the gun. You see the farmer was standing close by Faithful
+and he had no sooner shot at a rabbit than away went Faithful right
+across two fields, retrieving as hard as he could. Jimmy had to fetch
+him back from doing it.
+
+Jimmy says it was a new experience for the men to have a trained
+bloodhound in the harvest field, and they could talk of nothing else
+whilst they were having their dinners. You see two of the men had
+mislaid their dinners somehow, and every time they looked at Faithful
+they kept wondering. One man said his dinner was in a pudding-basin, and
+he looked everywhere. Faithful did his best to help him, Jimmy says, and
+kept just two yards ahead of him, twisting in and out.
+
+The man noticed something was the matter with Faithful and advised Jimmy
+to have his neck wrung: he offered to do it himself.
+
+Jimmy says the man seemed very suspicious because Faithful looked so
+T.B. (you know: Totally Bulged); but Jimmy took up Faithful and shook
+him for the man to hear, and there wasn't any sound of broken crockery
+at all.
+
+The other man who had lost his dinner didn't bother to look for it; he
+was busy cutting a stick out of the hedge, and when he had done it he
+borrowed a piece of bacon from another man to present to Faithful. Jimmy
+says you do it by saying, "Dear little doggie," in a husky voice. Jimmy
+says bloodhounds don't like husky voices, they get on their nerves. So
+Faithful refused the bacon as hard as he could.
+
+Jimmy says he knew Faithful would follow him, and sure enough, when he
+had got a mile on his way home, there was Faithful waiting for him,
+holding the pudding-basin in his mouth by the cloth.
+
+Jimmy says when he got home there was quite a crowd round the house
+where Faithful had removed the greenhouse from off the sparrow. A
+policeman told Jimmy all about it. It appeared, so the policeman said,
+that some person or persons unknown had got to know that the people in
+the house were harbouring a German governess and had smashed up the
+greenhouse in revenge. The greenhouse looked as if it had been struck by
+a bomb, the policeman said, and when the people saw it they knew their
+secret was out and went and confessed to the police. The policeman told
+Jimmy that they had just taken the German governess away to the
+police-station.
+
+Jimmy says that when he got home he sat down and looked at Faithful for
+half-an-hour--just looked at him. To think that Faithful had been on the
+Spy Trail all the time and Jimmy never knew it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Incisive Beginning.
+
+    "Mr. Gordon Hewart, opening the president of the London Chamber
+    of Commerce ..."
+
+    _The Star_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Hebdomadal Council of Oxford University have suspended for six
+months the filling of the Professorship of Modern Greek, the view
+apparently being that there is no one about just now who understands the
+modern Greek.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Youthful Patriot_. "Take away the night-light, Mary. I'd
+rather risk the dark than attract a Zeppelin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "_The Rivista Marittima_ publishes details of a new German
+    ironclad, which is claimed to be totally unsinkable.... It is
+    said to be a Dreadnought-cruiser, fitted with triple skins of
+    armour, stuffed with non-resisting material."--_Times._
+
+It sounds like one of our conscientious objectors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "The albatross--its docility was charming--soon occupied a
+    splendid isolation on the tarpaulined covered hatchway
+    platform.... I shall in future read Keats' 'Ancient Mariner'
+    with an accentuated interest."
+
+    _Natal Witness._
+
+COLERIDGE'S "Ode to a Nightingale" was rejected as dealing with the
+wrong bird.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young Lady-Attendant for Allies' Rifle Range, to replace one
+    getting married; the 3rd in 12 months doing the same; good
+    remuneration, and comfortable job."--_Glasgow Citizen._
+
+Bow and arrow or .303, Cupid's markmanship remains unerring.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Man who dined at Krupp's and worked with the Kaiser."
+
+    _Morning Paper Heading_.
+
+The _menu_ at KRUPP'S is not given, but was probably some form of pig.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "SCOTCH NURSES IN SERBIA.
+
+    GERMAN DOCTOR'S IMPRESSIONS.
+
+    'VERY FORBIDDING.'"
+
+    _Egyptian Gazette._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a notice of a recent novel:--
+
+    "The present reviewer's pen cleaves to the roof of his mouth
+    when he tries to describe it."--_Evening Standard._
+
+That should teach him to get rid of the nasty habit of sucking the nib.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MULE HUMOUR.]
+
+[Illustration: "He's kicked the Corporal!"]
+
+[Illustration: "He's kicked the Vet.!!"]
+
+[Illustration: "He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!"]
+
+[Illustration: "He's kicked the Colonel!!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
+
+I think I never read a story that impressed me as more untimely than
+this to which Mr. IVOR BROWN has given the title of _Security_ (SECKER).
+It is about an Oxford Don, one _John Grant_, who became, as others have
+become, irked by the placid routine of Senior Common-Room existence, and
+yearned for adventure. So he came to London, and got his first dose of
+it as a labour-agitator and backer of strikes. I suppose that the
+atmosphere of labour-agitating and strike-backing is skilfully conveyed
+(that of Oxford donship undoubtedly is), but I can't tell you how
+antique it all seems. These scornful quotations from an imaginary
+Capitalist press and the fierce denial that industrial strife was ever
+assisted by foreign agencies--it all sounds like a voice from ancient
+history. One rubs one's ears at it. Eventually militant Socialism
+wearies _John_ as much as academic torpor had done, and to escape from
+both he marries a wife. More atmosphere, this time of a dreary little
+seaside town and its so-called society. But _John_ fares no better here;
+and at last, on his return from a walking holiday, he finds that _Mrs.
+John_, unable to put up with him any longer, is putting up without him
+at a London hotel in company with Another. That seems a situation
+insecure enough to satisfy the most exacting. But even from this nothing
+results, and husband and wife drift together again. I like to think that
+nowadays, what with Zeps and other things, poor old _John_ may grow
+really contented. Meanwhile, clever as it is, the tale seems oddly
+anæmic and unreal. It is like those tragically trivial journals of 1914
+that still survive in the dusty waiting-rooms of dentists. I don't
+suggest that Mr. BROWN, whose previous book I much admired, should write
+about the War; but I could wish him a little more in tune with the
+spirit it has produced.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Faith Tresilion_ (WARD, LOCK) is a book of brave and of some diabolical
+deeds, but as Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS sees to it that his murderers and
+wreckers get their due he leaves me with the hopeful feeling that what
+happened to super-criminals a hundred years or so ago will also be their
+fate in this year of grace. _Faith_ is the type of heroine with whom
+readers of this amazingly industrious author are familiar--a fearless
+girl who does a man's work without for a moment becoming unsexed. She
+was in a difficult position enough, for her brother was a smuggler and
+she was in love, head to heels, with the local gangster. There are other
+complications, but this is the chief one, and it is worked out in Mr.
+_Phillpotts_' best West-country manner. I accept _Faith_ and salute her,
+but it is before her mother that I completely bow the knee. Mrs.
+_Tresilion_ was paralysed up to her waist, which was just as well, for
+if her activities had not been limited she would have swamped the whole
+book. As it was she lay in bed, drank gin, directed various operations
+with her eye fixed rather upon this world than the next, and told her
+visitors precisely what she thought of them. I am thankful not to have
+met this devastating lady in the flesh, because to be called "a
+hookery-snidy, trundle-trailed king-crab," and then told to kiss her,
+would have been more than I could bear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I feel that Miss CONSTANCE HOLME will be the first to agree with me on
+reflection that as a beginning of a chapter in _The Old Road from Spain_
+(MILLS) the following will not do: "The long bright day idled
+interminably to its tryst with night. Luis ate his lonely meals in the
+silent room," etc. It illustrates a defect of her rather over-intense
+method. She would readily forgive me this stricture if she could know
+the eagerness with which I read her picturesque pages to find out
+exactly what was the matter with the _Huddlestons_ of Thorn. From a
+Spanish ancestor, who had been wrecked with the Armada, they had
+inherited a CURSE. It was a very original curse, and I dare not deprive
+you of the pleasure of finding out what it was for yourself. Miss HOLME
+puts in her background of mystery with skilful touches and handles her
+characterisation with a good deal more subtlety than your mere
+mystery-monger can command. She observes both men and things with
+affection, writes of them with imagination. _Rowly Huddleston_, the
+committee-ridden squire of Thorn, looks like a careful portrait from
+life, and probably somebody also sat for that faithful soul, _Crane_,
+the butler. A book to be commended. Its defects are the defects of
+exuberance, the sort one only begins to notice after one has said,
+"Hello! this is pretty good!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Greater Glory_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is a collection of very short
+sketches concerned with the War. They are a little unequal, some being
+better than others, and others (naturally) being worse than some. They
+all reveal their author, Miss EVELYN ORCHARD, as possessed of a
+pleasantly unforced style, and perhaps rather more ease than
+imagination. One of them, my own favourite, the story of a parson who
+enlisted, is conspicuous as containing so admirable a recruiting speech
+that I can only hope it is transcribed from life. Having said so much,
+perhaps I may be forgiven by Miss ORCHARD if I add that I would rather
+have read her up upon some lighter theme. Her tuneful pipe contains some
+very pleasant notes, both of sentiment and humour, but is altogether too
+thin for variations upon so tremendous a motive as she has chosen. I
+express, of course, only my personal feeling; but I am certain that
+unless a book can rise to the magnitude of the War it had best leave it
+alone. Still it may well be that others will find interest, and even
+consolation, in these little papers. They have at least the charm of
+simplicity, and are obviously the products of a gentle and sympathetic
+nature. Thus, Miss ORCHARD can still see the pathos of the German
+private. Well, well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Look, dear--isn't that good? 'Will you march too, or
+wait till March the Second'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PIOUS HOPE.
+
+[Suggested by an interview between M. SAZONOFF and Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE in
+_The Daily Chronicle_.]
+
+  The Russian statesman, HAROLD BEGBIE thinks,
+  Is a good egg and not a subtle Sphinx;
+  Some day perhaps he will a better egg be
+  And tell us frankly what he thought of BEGBIE.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, MARCH 1, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22687-8.txt or 22687-8.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/8/22687
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/22687-8.zip b/22687-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..494bb47
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-8.zip
diff --git a/22687-h.zip b/22687-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..deef7b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h.zip
diff --git a/22687-h/22687-h.htm b/22687-h/22687-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b48d690
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/22687-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2684 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 1, 1916, by Various</title>
+  <style type="text/css">
+  <!--
+  body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+  p                    {text-align: justify;}
+  blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+  h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+  .sc                  {font-variant: small-caps;}
+
+  hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+  html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+  hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+  html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+  hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+  .note, .footnote     {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+
+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .drama               {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .drama p             {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;}
+  .drama p.i2          {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;}
+  .drama p.i4          {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;}
+  .drama p.i6          {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;}
+  .drama p.i8          {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;}
+  .drama p.i10         {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right;}
+  .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+  .inline              {border: none; vertical-align: middle;}
+
+  p.author {text-align: right;}
+
+  .side { float:right;
+          font-size: 75%;
+          width: 25%;
+          padding-left:10px;
+          border-left: dashed thin;
+          margin-left: 10px;
+          text-align: left;
+          text-indent: 0;
+          font-weight: bold;
+          font-style: italic;}
+    hr.pg   { width: 100%;
+              margin-top: 0em;
+              margin-bottom: 0em;
+              border: solid black;
+              height: 5px; }
+    pre      {font-size: 85%; }
+  -->
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+March 1, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 1, 1916</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: September 20, 2007  [eBook #22687]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, MARCH 1, 1916***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>March 1, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>The Volunteers have at last been
+recognised. There has been nothing
+like it since the great recognition-scene
+in <i>Electra</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The case has been reported of a
+Stepney child which has developed a
+disease of the brain, as the result of an
+air raid. Similar cases are said to
+have been observed in the neighbourhood
+of Fleet Street.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It now transpires that the
+music of St. Paul's Cathedral
+emanates from an organ of
+German construction. There
+seems to be some doubt as to
+whether an explanation is due
+from <i>The Westminster Gazette</i>
+or <i>The Times</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The mysterious shortage of
+butter in Germany, which
+has resulted in measures being
+drafted limiting the consumption
+to 4 ozs. per week per
+adult, is now explained. Count
+<span class="sc">von Bernstorff</span> has used up
+all the available supplies on
+Congress.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The General Omnibus Company
+has made the announcement
+that it will not employ
+any women drivers for its
+omnibuses. The company's
+officers fear that if women were
+so employed there would be an
+absence of that racy repartee
+which alone prevents traffic
+from reaching a condition of
+indescribable congestion.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The demand for second-hand
+pianos now for the first time
+in the history of the trade far
+exceeds the supply. It is not
+only in Germany that War and
+frightfulness go hand-in-hand.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The capture of Mush by the Russian
+army of the Caucasus is an event the
+importance of which has not been fully
+recognized. It is undoubtedly the place
+from which the Turkish official reports
+of victory have been issued.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Marconi Company have announced
+that "deferred plain language
+telegrams" will again be received.
+More truckling to the Tory Press!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A traveller returning from East
+Africa reports that, notwithstanding
+the military operations that are taking
+place in various parts of the country,
+rhinoceroses appear to be increasing in
+numbers. It is explained that the
+falling-off in the European demand for
+potted reed birds is responsible for the
+phenomenon.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is announced that the Cabinet are
+to take a portion of their salaries in
+Exchequer Bonds. Not to be outdone
+the members of the Reichstag are said
+to have agreed to soil their fingers
+with dirty British gold rather than
+hinder the German Government's
+operations for correcting the depreciation
+of the mark.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The suggestion has been put forward
+that, as a timely War economy, well-to-do
+people should give up their hot-houses.
+There seems to be a division
+of opinion, however, as to whether the
+hot-house plants should be given their
+liberty, or (as economy would seem to
+dictate) be killed for the table.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Australia has suspended the trade-marks
+of 450 German articles. It would
+be interesting to know if the most historic
+German trade-mark, "<span class="sc">Made in
+the United States</span>," is among these.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Mr. Julian Kimball (of Covent
+Garden and the London Opera House),"
+says the Musical critic of <i>The Daily
+Mail</i>, "is a singer you can watch as
+well as listen to." The desirability of
+concealing the faces of some of our
+principal singers in the past is undoubtedly
+one of the reasons why
+England has lagged behind in the
+musical art.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A well-known candidate for the East
+Herts Division is said to be
+urgently in need of motor cars.
+His opponents however point
+out that the need to economise
+in petrol was never more
+urgent than at present.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Speaking on the question of
+the shortage of freights Mr.
+<span class="sc">Runciman</span> stated, a few days
+ago, that he did not know that
+ostrich feathers took up much
+room. Has he never been to a
+matin&eacute;e?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In the same connection a
+member of the Ladies' Kennel
+Club writes: "I let them take
+my husband for their horrid
+old War without grumbling,
+but when they tell me that
+poor little Nanki-Poo can't
+have his ostrich-feather pillow
+to lie on I think it is too
+much!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" src="images/145.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Midget</i> (<i>as he comes to</i>). "<span class="sc">I expect the War's
+been a bit bad for your regular business, Mister?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second</i>. "<span class="sc">Not it. The boot-makin' trade's as good as
+ever.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Midget.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, you're a boot-maker, are you? Funny&mdash;I made
+certain you was a cab-washer.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The profits of the Bradford
+Dyers' Association exceed the most
+sanguinary expectations."</p>
+
+<p class="i10">    <i>Morning Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The influence of the War,
+again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>S.P.C.A., please note.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Dogs are generally from 9 to
+18 inches long and the teeth from
+3 to 8 inches long; the service
+pattern are from 12 to 15 inches
+long with 6 inch teeth. For straight
+dogs the ends of the teeth should be
+slightly further apart than at their
+root.  Dogs when heated red-hot can be
+twisted till their teeth make any required
+angle with each other, generally a right
+angle; they are then known as skew dogs."</p>
+
+<p class="i10">      <i>Military Engineering</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The offensive eggs were first placed in a
+mangle, and the slow, crude, and obnoxious
+process was gone through of crushing them.
+The pugnacity of the smell arising from this
+progress became appalling."&mdash;<i>Grocers' Journal</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Fit to knock one down, in fact.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Lady, 45, domesticated, Protestant, furniture,
+wishes Correspondence with Respectable
+Widower and Bachelor; view matrimony."&mdash;<i>Southport
+Visitor</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>One of the two gentlemen will have to
+be content with the furniture.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span>
+
+<h2>A CURE FOR DEPRESSION.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Moments there are of transient gloom</p>
+<p class="i2">When life for me appears to lose</p>
+<p>Its rosy aspect and assume</p>
+<p class="i2">The turnip's pessimistic hues;</p>
+<p>As when o' mornings, gazing out</p>
+<p class="i2">Across my patch of fog-grey river,</p>
+<p>I feel a twinge of poor man's gout</p>
+<p class="i2">Or else a touch of liver;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Or when, forgetting <span class="sc">Watts's</span> rhymes</p>
+<p class="i2">On puppy-dogs that bark and bite,</p>
+<p><i>The Westminster</i> attacks <i>The Times</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Starting a most unseemly fight;</p>
+<p>Or when I find some Labour sheet</p>
+<p class="i2">Still left at large to boom rebellion,</p>
+<p>Or hear the thin pacific bleat</p>
+<p class="i2">Of "my hon. friend" <span class="sc">Trevelyan</span>;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>When enemy craft career above,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unchallenged (till they've had their fling);</p>
+<p>Or <span class="sc">Little Willie's</span> vernal shove</p>
+<p class="i2">Anticipates the dawn of Spring;</p>
+<p>When Neutrals want an open door</p>
+<p class="i2">Kept wide for their commercial dealings,</p>
+<p>And we must risk to lose the War</p>
+<p class="i2">Rather than hurt their feelings.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Such moments, making Hope look bleak,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Courage turn a little blue,</p>
+<p>Even with hearts as tough as teak</p>
+<p class="i2">May well occur; but, when they do,</p>
+<p>This thought will readjust your bile</p>
+<p class="i2">And prove the best of appetisers:&mdash;?</p>
+<p><i>Would I exchange</i> (here's where you smile)</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Our chances with the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span>?</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>O.S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2>
+
+<h3>No. XXXV.</h3>
+
+<h3>(<i>From <span class="sc">Enver Pasha</span>.</i>)</h3>
+
+<p>Sire,&mdash;Surely the course of human affairs is often
+strange and perplexing. When we formed the Committee
+of Union and Progress and deposed the wretched <span class="sc">Abdul</span>
+from the Sultanate no sane man can have thought that
+you and I should ever be friends. <span class="sc">Abdul</span> was your friend;
+you and yours had lavished upon him and his creatures all
+your arts for the purpose of obtaining influence and promoting
+the interest&mdash;forgive me for saying it&mdash;not so much
+of Turkey as of the German Empire. When therefore we
+emerged, and <span class="sc">Abdul</span> with his system retired, all your
+beautiful schemes seemed to be shattered into pieces so
+small that no human ingenuity could avail to pick them up
+and fit them together again. Yet lo and behold, the
+impossible has happened. <span class="sc">Abdul</span> remains in darkness, I
+and my colleagues are in power, and you and I are even
+more closely knit together than is altogether desirable for
+me and those whom (indirectly, perhaps, but not the less
+effectively) I help to govern. I am entitled therefore to
+have a heart-to-heart talk with my bosom-friend, and, anyhow,
+whether I am entitled or not, that is what I propose
+to have. You may tell me in your genial way that I am
+only an upstart, but I answer that I occupy my position
+not because my father and my grandfather were big men,
+but because I myself, through my own plans and by my
+own strength, did certain things which in my judgment
+had to be done.</p>
+
+<p>What I now feel, O my friend, is this: I am beginning
+to doubt whether in all this tremendous confusion of fighting
+I have made the right choice. It wasn't <i>necessary</i> for
+us Turks to fight at all; it wasn't even desirable. We had
+suffered a severe set-back in the first Balkan War, and in
+the second we were only just able, owing to the consummate
+folly of that silly knave, your friend, <span class="sc">Tsar Ferdinand</span>,
+to snatch a brand or two from the burning. What we
+wanted was rest, and had it not been for you we might
+have had it&mdash;yes, and our wounds might have been healed
+and our finances restored, while others endured privation
+and loss.</p>
+
+<p>All that, as I say, we might have had; but from the
+day when the <i>Goeben</i> arrived off Constantinople we were
+doomed. That, indeed, was a master-stroke on your part,
+but for us it has meant misery on an ever-increasing scale.
+What were your promises? We were to have Egypt, but
+you were to be there too, and you were to hold the Bagdad
+railway and the regions through which it ran. We were to
+help you in conquering India, but you were to keep it for
+yourself when once it was conquered. We were to have a
+free hand with the Armenians. Well, we have had it, and
+the Armenians are fewer by half-a-million than they were.
+Pleasant as it is to contemplate the destruction of those
+restless and disloyal infidels, it cannot be said that we have
+gained any advantage from it, for the Russians have taken
+Erzerum and are sweeping through Armenia in a mighty
+and irresistible torrent, while our Turkish armies are
+scattered to the winds of heaven. Strong as you are and
+prodigal of promises, here you have failed to make good
+your pledges of help, and nowhere else do you seem able
+to achieve anything, except the crushing of little nations.</p>
+
+<p>I look back with loathing upon the day when I was
+mad enough to listen to you and to become a partner in
+your schemes. You flattered us, nay, you even fawned
+upon us in order to secure your ends, and, now that our
+forces have been joined with yours, ruin menaces my
+country and my race. You, forsooth, allow yourself to
+be held up as a great prophet of Islam and a Heaven-sent
+protector of its faith; but we who see our nation
+crumbling into dust owing to your selfish ambition may
+be pardoned if at last we look to ourselves and attempt
+to save what still remains to us. To work, as they say, for
+the King of <span class="sc">Prussia</span> has never been a profitable undertaking.</p>
+
+<p>Yours,  <span class="sc">Enver.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Fireworks were thrown from the gallery and the audience rushed
+on the platform, pelting the Pacifists with red ochre. The meeting
+ended with the sinking of Rule Britannia."&mdash;<i>Egyptian Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The Pacifists appear to have had the last word, after all.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mill Manager Honoured.&mdash;Mr. &mdash;&mdash; has been elected a Fellow
+of the Royal Society for the encouragement of fits."&mdash;<i>Times of India.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We do not recognise the Society, but imagine it may be
+the Taylorian Institute.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"It will take about 12 days for goods traffic to become normal
+again, although of course passenger traffic is not interfered with in
+the slightest. In the meantime the booking of elephants and other
+perishables has been stopped."&mdash;<i>Rangoon Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Unless, of course, they leave their trunks behind them.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>We observe that Mr. <span class="sc">Waters Butler</span> has been appointed
+a member of the Liquor Control Board, with the hearty
+approval of the Birmingham Beer, Spirit and Wine
+Trade Association. If there is anything in a name no
+one should be better able to hold the balance between
+them and the teetotalers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span>
+
+<h3>THE MILITARY REASON.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" src="images/147.png" alt=""/></a>
+
+<p>"FOR MILITARY REASONS OUR ARMY HAS WITHDRAWN FROM ERZERUM."</p>
+
+<p><i>Turkish official communiqu&eacute; (nearly a week after the event)</i>.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%" src="images/148.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Coster</i> (<i>to parish visitor, who has been commiserating
+with him on the loss of his father</i>). "<span class="sc">Yes, Mum, 'e were a
+splendid father to us and no mistake. Yer see, Mum, there was eleven of
+us, and I never knowed 'im raise 'is 'and to one of us&mdash;'cept as it
+might be in self-defence.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE FRONT.</h2>
+
+<p>Some officers like putting up barbed
+wire, not so much, I think, from any
+real deep-seated affection for the stuff
+itself, or from any confidence in the
+protection it affords&mdash;its disintegration
+being one of the assumed preliminaries
+of an attack&mdash;as for the satisfaction of
+writing in the Weekly Work Report,
+"In front of X276 we put up 97 rolls
+of barbed wire; in front of S279, 342
+rolls; in front of X276a, 3,692 rolls ..."
+and so on.</p>
+
+<p>An officer who overdoes this sport of
+kings gets a trench a bad name; it
+becomes a trench with a great wiring
+tradition to be maintained. One of us
+took over a legacy from one of these
+barbarians last trip. H.Q. had got
+wind of his zeal and was determined
+that we for our part should not be idle.
+It was murmured in billets, it was
+whispered upon the <i>pav&eacute;</i>, that for the
+officer taking over B116 there was a
+great wiring toward. The officer taking
+over B116 hated wiring worse than
+bully beef. He said you either die of
+pneumonia through standing still pretending
+to supervise, or tire yourself to
+bits and earn the undying contempt of
+your party by pretending to take an
+active share in the game.</p>
+
+<p>Howbeit he took over B116 and was
+told by the Next Man Up to wire to his
+heart's content. He asked the Next
+Man Up just where he wanted the
+wiring to be performed. The Next Man
+Up waved an airy arm in the direction
+of the Hun, and observed, "Out there,
+of course. Think we wanted you to wire
+Hampstead Heath?" Then the B116
+officer took the N.M.U. to the parapet
+and showed him waving acres of high
+wire, low wire, loose wire, tight wire,
+thick wire, thin wire, two ply, three
+ply, and four ply, plain and barbed,
+running out and out into the dusk.</p>
+
+<p>The N.M.U. gave it all a dispassionate
+sort of look, and merely said, "Oh,
+go out in front of all that. The Bosch
+is miles off just here."</p>
+
+<p>Now B116 is a front line trench in a
+re-entrant. The Hun trench facing it
+is also in a re-entrant, the original front
+lines on both sides having been crumpled
+and flooded out of existence. So when
+night fell the officer of B116 took his
+party and set out, and he went on and
+on, and then on, and there was still
+wire. And he went on and on and on.
+And there were bits of old trenches and
+saps and listening posts, but still wire.
+And he went on and on and there were
+more bits of trench and more wire.
+And he went on and on&mdash;and I know
+this is true because he told me&mdash;and
+on and on until (no, he did not come
+back to our own trench, he had a
+compass) an exceptionally good lot of
+fireworks went up, and he was fired at
+and bombed by Germans behind and
+Germans in front and Germans on
+either side, and, mind you, he was still
+in the wire. So he waited until all the
+Germans appeared to have killed each
+other or gone to sleep, and brought his
+party laboriously back to B116, from
+which he sent to the Next Man Up a
+message which ran: "If you want me
+to wire Bosch third line, kindly arrange
+for artillery preparation."</p>
+
+<p>It is some days now since they put
+up any wire in front of B116.</p>
+
+<p>It is a fact well known to all our
+most widely-circulated photographic
+dailies that these German gunners
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span>
+waste a power of ammunition. The
+only criticism I have to make is that I
+wish they would waste it more carefully.
+The way they go strewing the stuff
+about round us is such that they're
+bound to hit someone or something
+before long. Still we have only two
+more days in, and they seldom give us
+more than ten thousand shells a day.</p>
+
+<p>We are in billets now, and frankly,
+I am beginning to be very exercised
+about my boots. When I say "my
+boots" I mean rather the boots concerning
+me than "the boots that are
+mine." I wanted, some couple of
+months ago, a new pair of boots. I
+told the Quartermaster, and he looked
+at my then boots superciliously and
+said he could quite believe it.</p>
+
+<p>I rashly left it at that, imagining
+something would happen. A man
+like a quartermaster, who rolls in boots,
+would, I felt, think nothing of sending
+along a dozen pairs before breakfast,
+with a chit telling me to give away
+what I couldn't use. But no. It seems
+every boot in his store was numbered.</p>
+
+<p>I approached him again, and demanded
+boots, soberly, seriously and strenuously,
+I even offered to pay for them. This
+appeared to cheer him a little, and he
+murmured something about Army
+Form 247 x2b, not at present in stock,
+but indispensable to the issue of the
+most negligible boot on payment. My
+further efforts were, owing to exigencies
+of my military situation, conducted
+through emissaries. My servant would
+demand of his company agent nightly,
+what about them boots? And the
+company agent would reply&mdash;also
+nightly&mdash;that, if the officer would send
+his size down, the matter would be
+put through at once. For five nights
+running my size in boots went down
+with the empty water tins. On the
+last night I added a sketch of my
+feet and of my present boots, with
+scale of kilometres subjoined, a brief
+history of footgear in Flanders from
+pre-C&aelig;sarian times to the present day,
+one piece of broken lace from the old
+boots, and anything else that struck
+me as likely to put the matter a little
+further through.</p>
+
+<p>The lace appeared to put quite a new
+idea into their heads. The advance
+booting agent now seemed to think
+that if I had some boots already I
+might get the new pair by a process
+known as exchange, which takes less
+time and has the additional advantage
+of not costing anything. This struck
+them as an excellent new game for
+several days while they were deciding
+which was the right army form for an
+officer desirous of exchanging boots.
+At last all appeared fixed up. I came
+back into billets with every confidence
+of finding a couple of boots waiting for
+me on the mat. Of course I didn't
+really <i>believe</i> they would be there; I
+only had every confidence. Anyhow
+they were not.</p>
+
+<p>This morning the Quartermaster
+called in person. He wanted to know
+what size I took in boots.</p>
+
+<p>I expect now that the matter will be
+put through almost at once.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OUR BOYS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/149.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149.png" alt=""/></a>
+
+<p><i>Outraged Elder Brother</i> (<i>who has been asked for a light</i>).
+"<span class="sc">You're a nice example for young 'Erb. 'Ow dare you 'ave
+Cigarettes</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Brother Bill.</i> "<span class="sc">They ain't mine&mdash;they're 'Erb's</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>An Impending Apology.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Chaplain would appreciate portable Gramophone
+for clearing station."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span>
+
+<h2>HARD CASES.</h2>
+
+<p>Among other applications which were
+recently heard for exemption from the
+new Compulsory Service Act for unmarried
+men we extract the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Isaac Goldstein claimed exemption
+for his clerk, a stalwart youth of
+twenty-two, on the ground that he was
+indispensable to him in his business.</p>
+
+<p>Asked what his business was the
+applicant said he was a bookmaker.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> I thought there was
+no racing now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> Oh, yes. Steeple-chasing
+every week.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Do people still go to
+races and bet?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> Of course they do.
+Why not?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> I fancied they might
+have found other things to do. Also I
+fancied that money might be short.</p>
+
+<p>The applicant said that there was
+plenty of money about if you knew
+where to look for it.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> And who ride the
+horses?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> The jockeys, of course.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> They prefer that to
+doing anything more serious for their
+country?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> They are doing something
+very serious for their country.
+They're preserving the breed of horses.
+Where would old England's horseflesh
+be without races and steeplechases?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> You say this young
+man is indispensable to you. How?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> He is my clerk. He
+writes down the bets. I haven't got
+time to write down bets myself; I'm
+too busy taking them. He's one of the
+quickest clerks in England. I should
+go broke if I hadn't got him.</p>
+
+<p>Application refused.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Joe Tummilee applied for the
+exemption of a comedian playing in his
+revue, "Never mind the War." This
+young man, he said, who was twenty-nine,
+was the life and soul of the piece,
+and if he joined the Army the applicant
+would be put both to inconvenience
+and loss.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Are there not older
+or married actors that you could employ
+for this great work?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tummilee.</i> They're not so good.
+The comedian in question was a very
+agile dancer and was also good-looking.
+Other men might not attract the
+public.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Is the attraction of
+the public essential?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tummilee (surprised).</i> Naturally.
+How should we managers live otherwise?
+Besides, when a great war is
+going on it's a national duty to try
+and make people forget. My theatre,
+you perhaps are not aware, is a favourite
+resort for wounded soldiers, who are
+never so happy as when they are there.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Surely all that
+happiness will not disappear because
+this one performer is missing?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tummilee.</i> Most of it. He's the
+great draw.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Has it not occurred
+to you that the country ought to come
+first?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tummilee.</i> I consider I'm doing
+a great deal for the country, and he too,
+by making it laugh.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> You must find an
+older funny man or soon we may all
+be weeping.</p>
+
+<p>Application refused.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Samuel Bland claimed exemption
+on the ground that he disapproved of
+war and physical force.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> What would you do
+if you caught a burglar in your house?</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant.</i> I should lock him in and
+call for the police.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Then you don't mind
+relying on the physical force of others
+for your own protection?</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant.</i> That is part of the machinery
+of civilisation.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> So, I fear, is an army.
+Do you pay your taxes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Why?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Applicant.</i> Because there is
+Scriptural warrant for it.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> But you know that
+a large part of them goes to maintain
+our fighting men. Without money we
+should have to give in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant.</i> I obey the law. I don't
+necessarily know where the money is
+going.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Your position is very
+illogical. Either you should take your
+part in defending your country or obey
+your conscience and either go to prison
+for refusing to pay taxes for the carrying-on
+of the War, or emigrate to some
+place more like Utopia than this is. As
+it is you take advantage of other men's
+readiness to fight and even to die for
+you, and actually pay them to do so, but
+raise conscientious objections to doing
+either for yourself. A conscience that is
+so adaptable is not worth considering.</p>
+
+<p>Application refused.</p>
+
+<p>Harry Cadgsmith, who said he was
+a picture-palace proprietor, applied for
+exemption for the commissionaire who
+stood outside the building and invited
+people in.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> How old is he?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> Thirty-four.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Is he strong?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> Very. He is also
+highly trained; he wears uniform and
+calls out the attractions. The cinema
+is one of the principal alleviations of
+modern life and but for this man's
+powerful voice many people might pass
+by and never enter.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> What kind of pictures
+do you show?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> The best.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Are they English?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> Some are. But the
+public prefer American ones. I always
+pride myself on giving the public what
+it has the sense to want.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Might it not be
+better employed elsewhere? Making
+munitions, for example?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> That is nothing to
+do with me. My business is to supply
+a demand.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> What is your chief
+film this week?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> It is a very fine
+story entitled "The Prince of Crooks."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Could not a woman
+take this man's place?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> Not to do it justice.</p>
+
+<p>Application refused.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SUAVE MARI MAGNO.</h2>
+
+<h3>(New Style).</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis sweet, so sage <span class="sc">Lucretius</span> wrote of yore,</p>
+<p>To watch a storm-tossed vessel from the shore,</p>
+<p>Or safely placed, when hosts in conflict close,</p>
+<p>To view the battle as it ebbs and flows;</p>
+<p>But he, poor ancient, never knew the rare</p>
+<p>Delight afforded by an easy-chair,</p>
+<p>Wherein the slippered critic, at his ease,</p>
+<p>His ample writing-pad upon his knees,</p>
+<p>Primed with historic and romantic lore,</p>
+<p>Indites his weekly comment on the War;</p>
+<p>Revises or expands official news</p>
+<p>With graphic touches and resplendent hues;</p>
+<p>Teaches the doubtful battle where to rage</p>
+<p>And sprinkles diagrams on ev'ry page;</p>
+<p>Creates new posts or, at his own sweet will,</p>
+<p>Proceeds expected vacancies to fill;</p>
+<p>Deposes Kings, Prime Ministers, Grand Dukes,</p>
+<p>And rival pundits suitably rebukes.</p>
+<p>A hundred thousand readers every week</p>
+<p>For solace in his commentaries seek,</p>
+<p>Swear by his arguments, and swear at those</p>
+<p>Which rival quidnuncs artfully oppose.</p>
+<p>Matched with an occupation such as this</p>
+<p>Philosophy is destitute of bliss;</p>
+<p>He only breathes content's untroubled air</p>
+<p>Who wages warfare from a snug armchair.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>R.N. Cadet</i> (<i>during his first term at
+Osborne&mdash;where he has been told always to salute his superior officers
+of both services&mdash;meeting some "temporary" subalterns who disregard his
+salute</i>). "<span class="sc">Really, mother, if these temporary subs of the junior
+service cannot behave as gentlemen and return my salute, I shall
+certainly give up taking any notice of them</span>." </p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GOOD OPENINGS FOR M.P.'s.</h2>
+
+<p><i>The Manchester Guardian</i> complains
+that there is a remarkable monotony
+about the opening of speeches in the
+House of Commons.</p>
+
+<p>"On Wednesday forty-five speeches
+(not counting brief efforts in the way
+of interjections) were delivered, and in
+thirty cases the speeches began with
+the first person singular. Only fifteen
+members could think of anything more
+original." It appears that four speeches
+began with "I beg," four with "I
+should like," three with "I wish," and
+three with "I am sure."</p>
+
+<p>It may be a little daring, perhaps, to
+suggest that some originality should
+be introduced into the methods of Parliamentary
+orators (writes a correspondent);
+but as one whose courage
+has never failed him in telling other
+people how to go about their business
+I venture to suggest a few openings
+which possibly have never yet been
+utilised.</p>
+
+<p>As it is half the battle, to the speaker,
+to grip interest at the very outset, the
+following might be tried: "Drip, drip,
+drip&mdash;the blood fell from the ceiling."
+This would cause departing Members
+to drop sharply back into their seats.
+Only a little ingenuity would be required
+to make these words the opening
+of a speech on any timely topic.
+Our aristocratic legislators could make
+certain of arresting attention by beginning,
+"In the words of a friend of mine,
+a well-known Peckham butcher"&mdash;another
+gambit that could be made to
+suit any subject, from the shipping
+problem to the Zeppelin nuisance.</p>
+
+<p>Or again, "The missis woke me up
+in the middle of last Tuesday night,
+and said"&mdash;This is the kind of
+homely touch that would ensure a
+sympathetic hearing.</p>
+
+<p>Members might also make a good
+start with "'Twas" and "Methinks,"
+even at the risk of being accused of the
+use of unparliamentary expressions.</p>
+
+<p>If they would only study the poets
+I they would find plenty of bright and
+original openings. What better could
+be desired than <span class="sc">Browning's</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"So, at home, the sick tall yellow Duchess</p>
+<p>Was left with the infant in her clutches,"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>if occasion should arise in the House
+for criticism of the heartless action of a
+Local Tribunal in disallowing a Duke's
+claim for exemption?</p>
+
+<p>Many a man possesses an undiscovered
+knack of extempore rhyming,
+a gift which has seldom or never been
+exercised in the House of Commons.
+That will be a bright day for legislators
+when a Member rises in his place and
+begins something like this: "Sir, if
+the House will bear with me one
+moment, I should like to say that I,
+for one, cannot agree that we have
+found the perfect way of dealing with
+a gross neglect to which all honest
+men object." Any Member who could
+keep up that sort of thing for half-an-hour
+(and some, no doubt, could, if they
+would only practise) would achieve
+lasting fame, not only for his originality,
+but because of the remarkable scenes
+amid which his concluding lines would
+almost certainly be uttered.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Germans planned to expel the British
+from South Africa, aided by disinfected Boers."</p>
+
+<p class="i6"><i>Englishman (Calcutta)</i>,
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But, in the end, it was General <span class="sc">Botha</span>
+who cleared out the Germs.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page152" id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/152.png"><img width="100%" src="images/152.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>after Sunday tea, on departure of
+officers quartered in the neighbourhood</i>). "<span class="sc">I'm glad Captain
+Devereux didn't come, as I'm not looking my oldest to-day</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MY DUG-OUT.</h2>
+
+<h3>(A Memory of Gallipoli)</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>It was my home, not ringed with roses blowing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor set in meadows where cool waters croon;</p>
+<p>Parched wastes were round it, and no shade was going,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor breath of violets nor song-birds' tune;</p>
+<p>Only at times from the adjacent dwelling</p>
+<p>Came down with Boreas the quaint, compelling</p>
+<p class="i6">Scent of the Tenth Platoon.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And there not hermit-like alone I brooded,</p>
+<p class="i2">But ant and lizard and all things that crawl</p>
+<p>With great grasshoppers by brigades intruded;</p>
+<p class="i2">Therein the tortoise had his homely stall;</p>
+<p>Green flies and blue slept nightly in their notches,</p>
+<p>Save when a serpent, in the middle watches,</p>
+<p class="i6">Came and disturbed us all.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>There, where the sun, the senseless sun, kept pouring,</p>
+<p class="i2">And dust-clouds smothered one about the chest,</p>
+<p>While secret waters filtered through the flooring</p>
+<p class="i2">(In case the heat should leave one <i>too</i> oppressed),</p>
+<p>Always I lay in those sad fevered seasons</p>
+<p>Which Red-Hat humourists, for mystic reasons,</p>
+<p class="i6">Regarded as our "rest."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For it was home; and when I was not in it,</p>
+<p class="i2">But in the trenches, it was home indeed;</p>
+<p>When mad foes fired at twenty rounds a minute</p>
+<p class="i2">(Not, I may say, the regulation speed),</p>
+<p>For me far more it harboured my Penates;</p>
+<p>I missed my animals; I missed my gay teas</p>
+<p class="i6">With Alf, the centipede.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And I am shocked to think that that same ceiling</p>
+<p class="i2">Shields now some Mussulman of lowly strain;</p>
+<p>Yet, though he knows me not, I can't help feeling</p>
+<p class="i2">That something of my spirit must remain,</p>
+<p>And if, in that rich air the man should mellow</p>
+<p>In mind, in soul, and be a better fellow,</p>
+<p class="i6">I have not lived in vain.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And it may be, when worlds have ceased to wrestle,</p>
+<p class="i2">I shall go back across the Midland foam</p>
+<p>At special rates in some large tourist vessel</p>
+<p class="i2">To my late hollow in the Sultan's loam,</p>
+<p>And there clasp hands with that uplifted warrior,</p>
+<p>Compare brief notes and wonder which was sorrier</p>
+<p class="i6">To have to call it home.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>How to treat a Wife.</h3>
+
+<p>Extract from lecture by N.C.O.:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Your rifle is your best friend, take every care of it; treat it as
+you would your wife, rub it all over with an oily rag every day."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The court was crowded by Gaelic Leaguers and the proceedings
+were marked by some disorderly scenes, until the magistrates ordered
+their continuance."&mdash;<i>Dublin Evening Mail.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Then, of course, being in Ireland, they ceased.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A Provincial Paper, reporting a speech upon heroes of
+the present War, represents the speaker as referring to
+"Bill Adams in Leigh Hunt's poem." This is the first time
+within our knowledge that our old friend <i>Abou Ben Adhem</i>
+has been confounded with that other popular figure, the
+fictitious hero of Waterloo!</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span>
+
+<h3>THE NEW FRIGHTFULNESS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%" src="images/153.png" alt=""/></a>
+
+<p><i>Admiral von Tirpitz</i>. "PIRACY IS DEAD. STILL, I LIKE TO THINK
+THAT, UNDER ANOTHER NAME, THE GOOD WORK GOES ON."</p>
+
+<p>[Berlin contends that, piracy being extinct, the arming of liners and
+merchant vessels is no longer legitimate, and that German submarines are
+therefore entitled to sink them at sight. The New Frightfulness is due
+to begin to-day.]</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span>
+
+<h2>A STRONG SOUTH-EASTER.</h2>
+
+<p>I have been having further trouble
+with my neighbour, Petherton, whose
+place adjoins mine, being divided from
+it by a hedge. Beyond the hedge lies
+Petherton's small paddock, where his
+poultry amuse themselves, and, beyond
+that, Petherton's house and garden.</p>
+
+<p>But, however good a fence may be, it
+will not keep out, or keep in, smells.
+Therefore when Petherton engaged in
+apparently chemical operations giving
+off the most noxious gases I was
+rapidly forced to the conclusion that
+he ought to have a different kind of
+boundary between his property and
+mine, and also that the air of our
+neighbourhood no longer rivalled that
+of Bexhill, especially when the wind
+blew from the south-east.</p>
+
+<p>Wishing to remedy this state of
+affairs without recourse to unpleasant
+measures, I sat down to write to
+Petherton.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Dear Petherton</span>,&mdash;These continual
+south-easterly winds portend rain, I
+fear, and so I hope you have wrapped
+your parsnips up to protect them from
+the probable excess of moisture which
+is so injurious to all such plants.</p>
+
+<p>My primary object in writing is not
+so much anxiety about the health of
+your vegetables, but to ask whether
+you have noticed a most unpleasant
+odour which seems to be heading north-west;
+at any rate it is more unpleasant
+if possible when the wind is from the
+south-east than at any other time.</p>
+
+<p>It does not appear likely that the
+smell should have come from the
+German lines, so we must look nearer
+home for the cause of the trouble.
+Don't you think we ought to take joint
+action to get the nuisance ended?</p>
+
+<p>Yours, <span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce.</span>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Petherton's reply was a bulky packet
+which, being opened, revealed a tin of
+dog soap. I could only infer that he
+wished to saddle Togo, our prize-bred
+Airedale, with the blame. Coward!</p>
+
+<p>However, true to my determination
+to be friendly if possible, I wrote:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Dear Fred</span>,&mdash;Thanks for the Camembert.
+Thomas our cat has not quite
+completed the Moonlight Sonata which
+he has spent several nights in composing,
+but as soon as it is published I
+will send you a copy of it in return.</p>
+
+<p>My nephew, over from France on
+short leave, came to see us yesterday
+but left hurriedly. He said that the
+air was too reminiscent of a place
+where he was severely gassed. <i>Don't
+you notice anything?</i></p>
+
+<p>Yours as ever,  <span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Within an hour of the delivery of
+this letter another parcel arrived from
+Petherton. It contained three ordinary
+clothes-pegs and a brief note, which
+ran:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;I thought even you would be
+able to take the hint contained in my
+previous parcel. As however it was
+evidently lost on you, I am writing to
+suggest to you more plainly that you
+should wash your dog. I noticed its
+deplorable condition when I passed it
+in the road the other morning, and am
+surprised that the simple explanation
+of the trouble has not occurred to you
+before.</p>
+
+<p>Should the course I recommend have
+no good effect, I can only suggest your
+shooting, selling or otherwise disposing
+of the malodorous pest, or else wearing
+one of the protectors of which I enclose
+three. They are somewhat archaic in
+design, but should just suit you and
+your household.</p>
+
+<p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Frederick Petherton.</span>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>I replied:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Good old Freddie</span>,&mdash;What a genius
+you are! Of course the dog is the
+culprit. I was offered fifteen pounds
+for him the other day and refused it.
+No doubt I should have received a
+better offer but for the defect, which
+you so readily noticed, in the animal's
+condition. I have just had him shampooed
+and when he is dry I will examine
+him and report to you at once.</p>
+
+<p>Many thanks for the charming nose-protectors,
+which however I return, as
+they are all too large. I wonder if you
+would mind changing them for sevens;
+these appear to be eight-and-a-halfs.</p>
+
+<p>I am glad the wind has veered to
+the north-east. Your parsnips will no
+doubt share my joy. By the way was
+it you I saw yesterday in your paddock
+holding your nose just before the wind
+shifted round? The man, whoever it
+was, was looking at your poultry,
+which appear to be drooping.</p>
+
+<p>Yours till the wind changes,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce</span>.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;If I can get a good stamp-album
+in town to-day I will send it to
+you. A change of hobby is often very
+beneficial.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>I followed this up with another
+letter in the afternoon, couched in
+more formal terms:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;In fulfilment of the promise
+contained in my previous letter of to-day's
+date I have the honour to inform
+you that my dog Togo is not the cause
+of the trouble. As soon as he was dry
+I fastened him up in the middle of my
+drawing-room, and my household, myself
+included, sniffed at him from all
+points of the compass. Then, leaving
+him still chained up, we went into the
+garden and nearly fainted from the
+pestilential odours borne on the breeze,
+which was again south-east.</p>
+
+<p>If you have not suffered it seems
+clear to me that either (<i>a</i>) you have a
+curious taste in scents, or (<i>b</i>) you have
+no sense of smell. I think you should
+call in an expert, in the case of (<i>a</i>) a
+brain specialist, or in the case of (<i>b</i>) a
+nose-plumber. In the meantime I
+intend to consult another sort of expert,
+the Sanitary Inspector.</p>
+
+<p>Yours obediently, except in such a
+matter as this,       <span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>I wrote to the Inspector that night
+and received the following within
+twenty-four hours:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;Yours of yesterday's date
+to hand, and in reply I regret that I am
+unable to assist you in the matter as
+your neighbour, Mr. Petherton, is engaged
+on important experimental work
+for the Government in connection with
+the manufacture of asphyxiating gases,
+thus causing the unpleasant odours
+about which I have received several
+complaints recently. I have been in
+communication with Mr. Petherton on
+the matter, but he seems unable to
+abate the nuisance. I am surprised
+that he has not explained the position
+to you himself.</p>
+
+<p>I remain, Yours obediently,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">M. Tarbutt.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>pp</i>. A. C.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>On receiving the above I wrote to
+Petherton:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Dear Fred</span>,&mdash;Only a few words to
+say that I have just heard the great
+news. Heartiest congratters. As a
+strafe-scent-manufacturer you are IT.
+<i>&Agrave; bas les Boches!</i></p>
+
+<p>But why so close about it all this
+time? If you had only let me know
+about it sooner I would have dug a
+trench in my garden and slept in it, instead
+of complaining. Henceforth I
+shall turn my nose (well respirated) to
+the south-east every morning as an act
+of homage.</p>
+
+<p>Give it 'em hot, old man; don't mind
+us; we love it now. When you get
+stuck for any fresh ingredients refer to
+<i>Macbeth</i>, Act 4, Scene I, though I
+should be inclined to think you have
+done this already.</p>
+
+<p>Yours gratefully, <span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>So far I have received no reply from
+Petherton. In the circumstances I excuse
+his apparent hauteur.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"Ships that pass in the Night."</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A large number of our kinsmen from over
+the seas were unmarried, and he would like to
+see for every shipload of them that came over
+a shipload of women from this country sent
+out to be mated to them."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It looks as if it might be stalemate.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Monday, February 21st.</i>&mdash;Although
+<i>de minimis non curat lex</i>, our law-makers
+delight in very small jokes.
+When Mr. <span class="sc">Cecil Beck</span>, as Vice-Chamberlain
+of the Household, delivered <span class="sc">His
+Majesty</span>'s reply to the Address the
+House of Commons was chiefly interested
+in watching how he would accomplish
+the feat of walking backwards
+from the Table to the Bar. More than
+once in past history the task has proved
+too much for the man who essayed it,
+and the orderly retreat has degenerated
+into a shambling rout. But there was
+no such hitch to-day. Progressive
+politician though he is, Mr. <span class="sc">Beck</span> retraced
+his steps with graceful ease,
+and fully deserved the applause that
+rewarded his effort.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/155a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/155a.png" alt=""/></a><p>FINANCIAL OPTIMISM.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Micawber Asquith.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Irreverent opponents of the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> have sometimes compared
+him to <i>Micawber</i>, on the ground that
+he was always waiting for something
+to turn up. I found another link to-day
+between these celebrated characters.
+As Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> unfolded the details of
+the two new Votes of Credit, one of
+120 millions to clear up the present
+financial year, the other of 300 millions
+to start the new one, he reminded me
+of <i>Micawber</i> calculating his indebtedness
+to <i>Traddles</i>. While professing a
+proper alarm at the colossal amount of
+the expenditure&mdash;nearly two thousand
+millions already, or twice the cost of
+the twenty-two years' war against
+<span class="sc">Napoleon</span>&mdash;he rolled these gigantic
+figures off his tongue as if he loved
+them. You will remember <i>Copperfield's</i>
+remark when the famous I.O.U. had
+been handed over: "I am persuaded
+not only that this was quite the same
+to Mr. Micawber as paying the money,
+but that Traddles himself hardly knew
+the difference until he had had
+to think about it." The
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> financial
+optimism left the House
+under much the same impression,
+and Mr. <span class="sc">McKenna</span>
+rather deepened it by the
+declaration that with prudence
+and statesmanship
+our credit would survive the
+War however long it might
+last.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, February 22nd.</i>&mdash;For
+nearly ten years, without
+a break, Mr. <span class="sc">George
+Lambert</span>, Yeoman, as the
+reference-books describe
+him, sat on the Treasury
+Bench as Civil Lord of the
+Admiralty. Then the Coalition
+came along and his
+place knew him no more.
+For eight long months he
+has yearned to let the new Administration
+know what he thought of them,
+and to-day he seized the opportunity
+furnished by the Vote on Account.</p>
+
+<p>Beginning with a moving tale of
+how the War Office took several weeks
+and a traction engine to move a load
+of hay two miles from a rick to a
+railway station in his native Devon,
+the Yeoman proceeded with other
+counts of his indictment. The <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> mentioned yesterday a new
+plan by which an outside Committee,
+composed of business men and headed
+by a Cabinet Minister, was checking
+the expenditure of the Service Departments.
+(The cost of shells, we were
+told to-day by Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span>, has been
+brought down to a figure which means
+an economy of &pound;400,000 a week on our
+future production.)</p>
+
+<p>But Mr. <span class="sc">Lambert</span> would have none
+of it. Speaking with all the authority
+of his long official experience he laid
+down the dictum that one Cabinet
+Minister could not supervise another.
+Next he attacked the new Order in
+Council, which makes the Chief of the
+Staff responsible for the orders given to
+the Army, declaring that it reduced
+Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener</span> to the level of a
+civilian; and finally he denounced the
+Government for not making more use
+of Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span>. Under the stress of
+these terrific blows the Government
+ought to have reeled, if it did not fall.
+But nothing happened, except that the
+Votes on Account for four hundred and
+twenty millions were by half-past seven
+duly passed.</p>
+
+<p>In the Lords meanwhile the Government
+was sustaining a heavier attack,
+arising out of their failure to stop all
+supplies from reaching Germany. Lord
+<span class="sc">Sydenham</span> attributed it to the Declaration
+of London, which had crippled the
+Navy; Lord <span class="sc">Beresford</span> thought it
+was the result of trying to run a war
+with a Cabinet that included twenty-one
+amateurs. Lord <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>, a
+master of the quip modest, thereupon
+stated the Government's intention to
+add a twenty-second to the twenty-one
+by appointing a Minister of Blockade.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, February 23rd.</i>&mdash;At
+Question-time, Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> announced
+that the new Minister was Lord <span class="sc">Robert
+Cecil</span>. It is close upon fifty years since
+another Lord <span class="sc">Robert Cecil</span> (who had
+just become Lord <span class="sc">Cranborne</span>) entered
+the Cabinet of Lord <span class="sc">Derby</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/155b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/155b.png" alt=""/></a><p>NEW DEPARTURES BY SEA AND AIR.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Lord Robert Cecil and Lord Derby.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>In consequence of the recent decision
+that no Member shall in future receive
+two salaries it had been rumoured
+that Parliamentary salaries would be
+abolished altogether. There were signs
+of heartfelt relief from
+various quarters of the
+House when the <span class="sc">Premier</span>
+met the suggestion with an
+uncompromising "No."</p>
+
+<p>Captain J. S. <span class="sc">Rankine</span>,
+the khaki-clad giant who
+took his seat for East Toxteth
+to-day, had a warm
+reception, all the more
+grateful in view of the blizzard
+that raged without.
+The temperature of the
+House fell rapidly, however,
+when Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span> proceeded
+to outline his views
+on the subject of peace. In
+vain he attempted to show
+that there was a considerable
+party in Germany
+ready to come to terms if
+only they knew what our
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span>
+terms were. Members listened in chilly
+silence. They thawed into laughter
+when the Hon. Member with some
+lack of humour quoted the German
+<span class="sc">Chancellor's</span> declaration, "We do not
+threaten small nations;" and they
+cheered when he quoted, with intent
+to condemn, Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery's</span> statement
+that Germany must be utterly
+crushed. Nor was the House more
+impressed by Mr. <span class="sc">Trevelyan's</span> proposal
+that as there might be a peace-party
+in Germany it was our duty to
+"state our full terms and find out."</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> reply was,
+I fear, very painful to the pacificists.
+The German <span class="sc">Chancellor's</span> statement
+he found to be one of "colossal and
+shameless audacity." German Socialists
+might prate of peace, but only
+twenty out of five times that number in
+the Reichstag had the courage to vote
+against the War Credit. Our terms
+were already on record in the speech
+which he made at the <span class="sc">Lord Mayor's</span>
+Banquet in 1914. Until Belgium&mdash;"and
+I will add Serbia"&mdash;has been
+fully reinstated, until France is secured
+against aggression, until the smaller
+nationalities are safeguarded, until
+the military domination of Prussia is
+destroyed, "not until then shall we or
+any of our gallant Allies abate by one
+jot our prosecution of this War." The
+cheers that greeted this declaration
+lasted almost as long as the speech
+itself. In the ensuing debate Mr.
+<span class="sc">Ponsonby</span>, Sir W. <span class="sc">Byles</span>, and one or
+two others emitted what Mr. <span class="sc">Stanton</span>
+picturesquely described as "the croakings
+and bleatings of the fatted lambs
+who had besmirched their own country."
+But they created no effect. Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span>'s
+early peace had been nipped by
+the frost.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, February 24th.</i>&mdash;In both
+Houses the administration of the Military
+Service Act was again the subject
+of criticism. From the explanations
+given by Lord <span class="sc">Newton</span> and Mr.
+<span class="sc">Tennant</span> it appears that most of the
+complaints against the recruiting officers
+for over-pressure have come from
+men who were applying for armlets,
+not for exemption. As Lord <span class="sc">Newton</span>
+put it, a man, if he wants to obtain
+an armlet, must run the risk of being
+taken for some kind of service. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Tennant</span> reminded some of his critics,
+not superfluously, that the object of
+this Act was to get men to serve.</p>
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Derby</span>, fresh from his triumph
+as Director of Recruiting, is to act as
+Chairman of the new Joint Committee
+which will supervise and co-ordinate
+naval and military aviation. For him,
+as for that other <i>Ariel</i>, "there's more
+work." The same is now true of Colonel
+<span class="sc">Lockwood</span> who, since the opening of
+the Session, has been in a condition
+of suspended animation. The Kitchen
+Committee, in the opinion of many
+Members the most important of all the
+Committees, had not been set up, and
+consequently could not elect a Chairman.
+How Members have lived
+through more than a week without
+any visible means of securing subsistence
+it is not for me to reveal. Suffice
+it to say that no case of absolute
+starvation has come to my notice. To-day
+all is well. The Kitchen Committee
+is again in being, and "Uncle
+Mark" has once more been appointed
+Minister of the Interior (unpaid, except
+by the gratitude and affection of his
+fellow-Members). Fresh responsibilities
+have now been thrust upon him.
+This afternoon it fell to him, as temporary
+Leader of the Opposition, to ask
+the customary question as to next
+week's business. Having heard the
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> reply, he sat for a
+few moments as if lost in thought, calculating,
+no doubt, by a rapid process
+of mental arithmetic what the Consolidated
+Fund Bill, Supplementary Estimates
+and the Civil Service Vote would
+amount to in terms of dinners, teas
+and other light refreshments.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/156.png"><img width="100%" src="images/156.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Enraged Tommy</i> (<i>bespattered with mud by sniper's
+bullet aimed a bit too low</i>). "<span class="sc">Put up yer sight, yer careless
+blighter</span>!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>On a bookseller's stall in Liverpool:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<i>The English Nation</i>. A really cheap lot."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We find them most expensive to keep up.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span>
+
+<h2>ON THE SPY-TRAIL.</h2>
+
+<p>Jimmy says his bloodhound is always
+very glad to get loose after being tied
+up all night, and it's because <span class="sc">Harvey</span>
+discovered the circulation of the blood.
+Jimmy says Faithful doesn't know he
+has got the circulation of the blood,
+but he always has a little run round
+when he gets free. It only takes him
+about five minutes to do his round,
+and an hour and a-half afterwards you
+would never believe he had been round
+at all, things are so quiet again.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the man next door told
+him he didn't mind so much about
+the circulation of the blood as the
+circulation of the bloodhound. Jimmy
+says it's because his chickens all begin
+shouting Hooray! as soon as Faithful
+starts, and they get up trees to watch
+him instead of being busy laying eggs
+at twopence each. Faithful doesn't
+want them to go up trees, Jimmy says,
+and tries to make them come down,
+but they won't&mdash;not on any account&mdash;and
+he has to leave them for other
+things that require his attention.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says there's a charwoman in
+one of the houses on Faithful's beat,
+and sometimes you can hear her trying
+to char him, and then lots of things
+come out through the front door, with
+Faithful in the middle of them. Sometimes
+you don't know which is Faithful
+and which is a scrubbing-brush, and
+it's because of the revolution. Jimmy
+says if Faithful notices that anything
+wants doing on his way round he
+always tries to do it, even though
+nobody knew that it wanted doing.
+Faithful got a sparrow out of a greenhouse
+like that, Jimmy says. It was a
+cheeky sparrow and kept flying about
+at Faithful and hiding behind the pots
+on the stage. Jimmy says bloodhounds
+don't stand any nonsense of that sort,
+and the sparrow ought to have known
+it. But it kept looking round flower-pots
+at Faithful and chirruping at
+him sideways, and didn't realise that
+its life hung by a thread.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the best of well-trained
+bloodhounds is that they never get flurried;
+they go about their work systematically.
+The sparrow didn't seem to
+know that, Jimmy says, and when
+Faithful got on the stage and began
+clearing the decks for action it actually
+had the face to go and pick up a worm
+that came out of one of the pots that
+fell on the ground. Jimmy says whenever
+a pot rolled off the stage Faithful
+always looked over the edge to see if it
+had arrived safely. He is always careful
+like that.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the sparrow only escaped
+by the skin of its teeth, because just as
+Faithful had got everything out of the
+way and was going to set to work in
+earnest, the sparrow flew out and went
+and sat up in a tree chirruping like
+anything. Faithful was absolutely disgusted
+with it, Jimmy says.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy took his bloodhound out to
+the Hill Farm one morning. The
+farmer was very glad to see Faithful
+again, Jimmy says; he told Jimmy that
+they were going to cut corn and there
+would be a main of rabbits in them for
+sure. Jimmy says bloodhounds have
+to turn their hands to anything these
+days, even catching rabbits. Faithful
+didn't seem to mind, Jimmy says, but
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span>
+it seemed very curious to hear the deep
+baying of a bloodhound in a peaceful
+cornfield.  Jimmy says it made the
+men stop work and look at each other,
+and the man who was driving the reaping-machine
+got down to see where it
+wanted oiling. You see he hadn't heard
+a bloodhound before.</p>
+
+<p>There was another dog there, Jimmy
+says, in case the rabbits came out too
+quickly for Faithful to catch them all.
+The first rabbit that came out didn't
+have any chance, Jimmy says. It bolted
+out as hard as it could, and there was
+a splendid race between the rabbit and
+Faithful. You see the rabbit was
+making for a burrow in the hedge, but
+old Faithful got there first and tried to
+get his head down it, to cut off the
+rabbit's retreat. Jimmy says
+the rabbit was nonplussed, and
+the other dog caught it easily.
+It is beautiful to see two dogs
+work together like that, Jimmy
+says.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says Faithful didn't
+require the help of the other
+dog with the next rabbit that
+came his way, but the other
+dog was very impulsive. You
+see Faithful was lying down
+with his mouth open trying to
+look like a rabbit hole, and he
+did it so well that the rabbit
+came straight at him. Jimmy
+says Faithful swerved about
+ten yards to one side in order
+to hurl himself bodily at the
+rabbit, and he would have done
+it if the other dog hadn't poked
+his nose in.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the other dog
+killed the rabbit, but Faithful
+went up and smelt at it like
+anything. Faithful is a splendid smeller,
+Jimmy says. He can retrieve rabbits
+almost as well as he can catch them.</p>
+
+<p>The farmer was surprised to see how
+quickly Faithful got off the mark at
+the sound of the gun. You see the
+farmer was standing close by Faithful
+and he had no sooner shot at a rabbit
+than away went Faithful right across
+two fields, retrieving as hard as he could.
+Jimmy had to fetch him back from
+doing it.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says it was a new experience
+for the men to have a trained bloodhound
+in the harvest field, and they
+could talk of nothing else whilst they
+were having their dinners.  You see
+two of the men had mislaid their
+dinners somehow, and every time they
+looked at Faithful they kept wondering.
+One man said his dinner was in a
+pudding-basin, and he looked everywhere.
+Faithful did his best to help
+him, Jimmy says, and kept just two
+yards ahead of him, twisting in and out.</p>
+
+<p>The man noticed something was
+the matter with Faithful and advised
+Jimmy to have his neck wrung: he
+offered to do it himself.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the man seemed very
+suspicious because Faithful looked so
+T.B. (you know: Totally Bulged); but
+Jimmy took up Faithful and shook
+him for the man to hear, and there
+wasn't any sound of broken crockery
+at all.</p>
+
+<p>The other man who had lost his dinner
+didn't bother to look for it; he was
+busy cutting a stick out of the hedge,
+and when he had done it he borrowed
+a piece of bacon from another
+man to present to Faithful. Jimmy
+says you do it by saying, "Dear little
+doggie," in a husky voice. Jimmy
+says bloodhounds don't like husky
+voices, they get on their nerves. So
+Faithful refused the bacon as hard as
+he could.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says he knew Faithful would
+follow him, and sure enough, when he
+had got a mile on his way home, there
+was Faithful waiting for him, holding
+the pudding-basin in his mouth by the
+cloth.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says when he got home there
+was quite a crowd round the house
+where Faithful had removed the greenhouse
+from off the sparrow. A policeman
+told Jimmy all about it. It
+appeared, so the policeman said, that
+some person or persons unknown had
+got to know that the people in the
+house were harbouring a German
+governess and had smashed up the
+greenhouse in revenge. The greenhouse
+looked as if it had been struck by a
+bomb, the policeman said, and when
+the people saw it they knew their
+secret was out and went and confessed
+to the police. The policeman told
+Jimmy that they had just taken the
+German governess away to the police-station.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says that when he got home
+he sat down and looked at Faithful for
+half-an-hour&mdash;just looked at him. To
+think that Faithful had been on the
+Spy Trail all the time and Jimmy never
+knew it!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>An Incisive Beginning.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. Gordon Hewart, opening the president
+of the London Chamber of Commerce ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Star</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The Hebdomadal Council of Oxford
+University have suspended for six
+months the filling of the Professorship
+of Modern Greek, the view apparently
+being that there is no one
+about just now who understands
+the modern Greek.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%" src="images/158.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Youthful Patriot</i>. "<span class="sc">Take away the night-light, Mary.
+I'd rather risk the dark than attract a Zeppelin.</span>" </p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<i>The Rivista Marittima</i> publishes
+details of a new German ironclad,
+which is claimed to be totally unsinkable....
+It is said to be a
+Dreadnought-cruiser, fitted with
+triple skins of armour, stuffed with
+non-resisting material."&mdash;<i>Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It sounds like one of our conscientious
+objectors.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The albatross&mdash;its docility was
+charming&mdash;soon occupied a splendid
+isolation on the tarpaulined covered
+hatchway platform.... I shall in
+future read Keats' 'Ancient Mariner'
+with an accentuated interest."</p>
+
+<p><i>Natal Witness.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Coleridge's</span> "Ode to a Nightingale"
+was rejected as dealing
+with the wrong bird.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Young Lady-Attendant for Allies'
+Rifle Range, to replace one getting
+married; the 3rd in 12 months doing the
+same; good remuneration, and comfortable
+job."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Citizen.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Bow and arrow or .303, Cupid's markmanship
+remains unerring.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">The Man who dined at Krupp's and
+worked with the Kaiser</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Morning Paper Heading</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The <i>menu</i> at <span class="sc">Krupp's</span> is not given, but
+was probably some form of pig.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"SCOTCH NURSES IN SERBIA.</p>
+
+<p>GERMAN DOCTOR'S IMPRESSIONS.</p>
+
+<p>'VERY FORBIDDING.'"</p>
+
+<p><i>Egyptian Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a notice of a recent novel:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The present reviewer's pen cleaves to the
+roof of his mouth when he tries to describe
+it."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>That should teach him to get rid of the
+nasty habit of sucking the nib.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>
+
+<h3>MULE HUMOUR.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/159a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159a.png" alt=""/></a><p>"He's kicked the Corporal!"</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/159b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159b.png" alt=""/></a><p>"He's kicked the Vet.!!"</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/159c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159c.png" alt=""/></a><p>"He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!"</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/159d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159d.png" alt=""/></a><p>"He's kicked the Colonel!!!!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</h3>
+
+<p>I think I never read a story that impressed me as more
+untimely than this to which Mr. <span class="sc">Ivor Brown</span> has given
+the title of <i>Security</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>). It is about an Oxford Don,
+one <i>John Grant</i>, who became, as others have become, irked
+by the placid routine of Senior Common-Room existence,
+and yearned for adventure. So he came to London, and
+got his first dose of it as a labour-agitator and backer of
+strikes. I suppose that the atmosphere of labour-agitating
+and strike-backing is skilfully conveyed (that of Oxford
+donship undoubtedly is), but I can't tell you how antique
+it all seems. These scornful quotations from an imaginary
+Capitalist press and the fierce denial that industrial strife
+was ever assisted by foreign agencies&mdash;it all sounds like a
+voice from ancient history. One rubs one's ears at it.
+Eventually militant Socialism wearies <i>John</i> as much as
+academic torpor had done, and to escape from both he
+marries a wife. More atmosphere, this time of a dreary
+little seaside town and its so-called society. But <i>John</i>
+fares no better here; and at last, on his return from a
+walking holiday, he finds that
+<i>Mrs. John</i>, unable to put up
+with him any longer, is putting
+up without him at a London
+hotel in company with Another.
+That seems a situation
+insecure enough to satisfy the
+most exacting. But even from
+this nothing results, and husband
+and wife drift together
+again. I like to think that
+nowadays, what with Zeps and
+other things, poor old <i>John</i>
+may grow really contented.
+Meanwhile, clever as it is, the
+tale seems oddly an&aelig;mic and
+unreal. It is like those tragically
+trivial journals of 1914
+that still survive in the dusty
+waiting-rooms of dentists. I
+don't suggest that Mr. <span class="sc">Brown</span>,
+whose previous book I much admired, should write about
+the War; but I could wish him a little more in tune with
+the spirit it has produced.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Faith Tresilion</i> (<span class="sc">Ward, Lock</span>) is a book of brave and of
+some diabolical deeds, but as Mr. <span class="sc">Eden Phillpotts</span> sees to
+it that his murderers and wreckers get their due he leaves
+me with the hopeful feeling that what happened to super-criminals
+a hundred years or so ago will also be their fate
+in this year of grace. <i>Faith</i> is the type of heroine with
+whom readers of this amazingly industrious author are
+familiar&mdash;a fearless girl who does a man's work without
+for a moment becoming unsexed. She was in a difficult
+position enough, for her brother was a smuggler and she
+was in love, head to heels, with the local gangster.  There
+are other complications, but this is the chief one, and it is
+worked out in Mr. <i>Phillpotts</i>' best West-country manner.
+I accept <i>Faith</i> and salute her, but it is before her mother
+that I completely bow the knee. Mrs. <i>Tresilion</i> was paralysed
+up to her waist, which was just as well, for if her
+activities had not been limited she would have swamped
+the whole book. As it was she lay in bed, drank gin,
+directed various operations with her eye fixed rather upon
+this world than the next, and told her visitors precisely
+what she thought of them. I am thankful not to have met
+this devastating lady in the flesh, because to be called "a
+hookery-snidy, trundle-trailed king-crab," and then told to
+kiss her, would have been more than I could bear.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I feel that Miss <span class="sc">Constance Holme</span> will be the first to
+agree with me on reflection that as a beginning of a chapter
+in <i>The Old Road from Spain</i> (<span class="sc">Mills</span>) the following will
+not do: "The long bright day idled interminably to its
+tryst with night. Luis ate his lonely meals in the silent
+room," etc. It illustrates a defect of her rather over-intense
+method. She would readily forgive me this stricture if she
+could know the eagerness with which I read her picturesque
+pages to find out exactly what was the matter with the
+<i>Huddlestons</i> of Thorn. From a Spanish ancestor, who
+had been wrecked with the Armada, they had inherited a
+<span class="sc">curse</span>. It was a very original curse, and I dare not
+deprive you of the pleasure of finding out what it was for
+yourself. Miss <span class="sc">Holme</span> puts in her background of mystery
+with skilful touches and handles her characterisation with
+a good deal more subtlety than your mere mystery-monger
+can command. She observes both men and things with
+affection, writes of them with imagination. <i>Rowly Huddleston</i>,
+the committee-ridden squire of Thorn, looks like a
+careful portrait from life, and
+probably somebody also sat
+for that faithful soul, <i>Crane</i>,
+the butler. A book to be commended.
+Its defects are the
+defects of exuberance, the sort
+one only begins to notice after
+one has said, "Hello! this is
+pretty good!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Greater Glory</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder
+and Stoughton</span>) is a collection
+of very short sketches concerned
+with the War. They
+are a little unequal, some being
+better than others, and others
+(naturally) being worse than
+some. They all reveal their
+author, Miss <span class="sc">Evelyn Orchard</span>,
+as possessed of a pleasantly
+unforced style, and perhaps
+rather more ease than imagination. One of them, my own
+favourite, the story of a parson who enlisted, is conspicuous
+as containing so admirable a recruiting speech that I can
+only hope it is transcribed from life.  Having said so
+much, perhaps I may be forgiven by Miss <span class="sc">Orchard</span> if I
+add that I would rather have read her up upon some lighter
+theme. Her tuneful pipe contains some very pleasant
+notes, both of sentiment and humour, but is altogether too
+thin for variations upon so tremendous a motive as she has
+chosen. I express, of course, only my personal feeling; but
+I am certain that unless a book can rise to the magnitude
+of the War it had best leave it alone. Still it may well be
+that others will find interest, and even consolation, in these
+little papers. They have at least the charm of simplicity,
+and are obviously the products of a gentle and sympathetic
+nature. Thus, Miss <span class="sc">Orchard</span> can still see the pathos of
+the German private. Well, well.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%" src="images/160.png" alt=""/></a><p>"<span class="sc">Look, dear&mdash;isn't that good? 'Will you march too, or
+wait till March the Second'</span>?"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A PIOUS HOPE.</h3>
+
+<p>[Suggested by an interview between M. <b>Sazonoff</b> and Mr. <span class="sc">Harold
+Begbie</span> in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>.]</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The Russian statesman, <span class="sc">Harold Begbie</span> thinks,</p>
+<p>Is a good egg and not a subtle Sphinx;</p>
+<p>Some day perhaps he will a better egg be</p>
+<p>And tell us frankly what he thought of <span class="sc">Begbie</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, MARCH 1, 1916***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 22687-h.txt or 22687-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/8/22687">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/8/22687</a></p>
+<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.</p>
+
+<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.</p>
+
+
+
+<pre>
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/license">http://www.gutenberg.org/license)</a>.
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
+eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
+compressed (zipped), HTML and others.
+
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
+the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
+VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
+new filenames and etext numbers.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">http://www.gutenberg.org</a>
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
+are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
+download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
+search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
+download by the etext year.
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a>
+
+    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
+     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)
+
+EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
+filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
+of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
+identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
+digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
+example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234
+
+or filename 24689 would be found at:
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689
+
+An alternative method of locating eBooks:
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a>
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+</pre>
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/22687-h/images/145.png b/22687-h/images/145.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..15b3d54
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/145.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/147.png b/22687-h/images/147.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..61e0a3f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/147.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/148.png b/22687-h/images/148.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d71c606
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/148.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/149.png b/22687-h/images/149.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..af6dd46
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/149.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/151.png b/22687-h/images/151.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4af873d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/151.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/152.png b/22687-h/images/152.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..20addf6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/152.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/153.png b/22687-h/images/153.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14889d2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/153.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/155a.png b/22687-h/images/155a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..55bde08
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/155a.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/155b.png b/22687-h/images/155b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..61a161f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/155b.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/156.png b/22687-h/images/156.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..721f2cb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/156.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/158.png b/22687-h/images/158.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..79bdec5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/158.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/159a.png b/22687-h/images/159a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b9dd199
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/159a.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/159b.png b/22687-h/images/159b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d2471ad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/159b.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/159c.png b/22687-h/images/159c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..223a214
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/159c.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/159d.png b/22687-h/images/159d.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9f3aa76
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/159d.png
diff --git a/22687-h/images/160.png b/22687-h/images/160.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5a69043
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-h/images/160.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p145.png b/22687-page-images/p145.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fefce87
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p145.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p146.png b/22687-page-images/p146.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3e20c4b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p146.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p147.png b/22687-page-images/p147.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3bc2359
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p147.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p148.png b/22687-page-images/p148.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..29e961a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p148.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p149.png b/22687-page-images/p149.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..af240d4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p149.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p150.png b/22687-page-images/p150.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..781b0ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p150.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p151.png b/22687-page-images/p151.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f885fdd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p151.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p152.png b/22687-page-images/p152.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b3d9eab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p152.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p153.png b/22687-page-images/p153.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cbd203b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p153.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p154.png b/22687-page-images/p154.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..18dd609
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p154.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p155.png b/22687-page-images/p155.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f6a0466
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p155.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p156.png b/22687-page-images/p156.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2efd913
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p156.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p157-image.png b/22687-page-images/p157-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c2026b1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p157-image.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p157.png b/22687-page-images/p157.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..187cc52
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p157.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p158.png b/22687-page-images/p158.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b738f5a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p158.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p159.png b/22687-page-images/p159.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ef3dae7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p159.png
diff --git a/22687-page-images/p160.png b/22687-page-images/p160.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ed4ea81
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687-page-images/p160.png
diff --git a/22687.txt b/22687.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..63e745f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1931 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+March 1, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 1, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 20, 2007  [eBook #22687]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, MARCH 1, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22687-h.htm or 22687-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/0/22687/22687-h/22687-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/0/22687/22687-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+MARCH 1, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The Volunteers have at last been recognised. There has been nothing like
+it since the great recognition-scene in _Electra_.
+
+       ***
+
+The case has been reported of a Stepney child which has developed a
+disease of the brain, as the result of an air raid. Similar cases are
+said to have been observed in the neighbourhood of Fleet Street.
+
+       ***
+
+It now transpires that the music of St. Paul's Cathedral emanates from
+an organ of German construction. There seems to be some doubt as to
+whether an explanation is due from _The Westminster Gazette_ or _The
+Times_.
+
+       ***
+
+The mysterious shortage of butter in Germany, which has resulted in
+measures being drafted limiting the consumption to 4 ozs. per week per
+adult, is now explained. Count VON BERNSTORFF has used up all the
+available supplies on Congress.
+
+       ***
+
+The General Omnibus Company has made the announcement that it will not
+employ any women drivers for its omnibuses. The company's officers fear
+that if women were so employed there would be an absence of that racy
+repartee which alone prevents traffic from reaching a condition of
+indescribable congestion.
+
+       ***
+
+The demand for second-hand pianos now for the first time in the history
+of the trade far exceeds the supply. It is not only in Germany that War
+and frightfulness go hand-in-hand.
+
+       ***
+
+The capture of Mush by the Russian army of the Caucasus is an event the
+importance of which has not been fully recognized. It is undoubtedly the
+place from which the Turkish official reports of victory have been
+issued.
+
+       ***
+
+The Marconi Company have announced that "deferred plain language
+telegrams" will again be received. More truckling to the Tory Press!
+
+       ***
+
+A traveller returning from East Africa reports that, notwithstanding the
+military operations that are taking place in various parts of the
+country, rhinoceroses appear to be increasing in numbers. It is
+explained that the falling-off in the European demand for potted reed
+birds is responsible for the phenomenon.
+
+       ***
+
+It is announced that the Cabinet are to take a portion of their salaries
+in Exchequer Bonds. Not to be outdone the members of the Reichstag are
+said to have agreed to soil their fingers with dirty British gold rather
+than hinder the German Government's operations for correcting the
+depreciation of the mark.
+
+       ***
+
+The suggestion has been put forward that, as a timely War economy,
+well-to-do people should give up their hot-houses. There seems to be a
+division of opinion, however, as to whether the hot-house plants should
+be given their liberty, or (as economy would seem to dictate) be killed
+for the table.
+
+       ***
+
+Australia has suspended the trade-marks of 450 German articles. It would
+be interesting to know if the most historic German trade-mark, "MADE IN
+THE UNITED STATES," is among these.
+
+       ***
+
+"Mr. Julian Kimball (of Covent Garden and the London Opera House)," says
+the Musical critic of _The Daily Mail_, "is a singer you can watch as
+well as listen to." The desirability of concealing the faces of some of
+our principal singers in the past is undoubtedly one of the reasons why
+England has lagged behind in the musical art.
+
+       ***
+
+A well-known candidate for the East Herts Division is said to be
+urgently in need of motor cars. His opponents however point out that the
+need to economise in petrol was never more urgent than at present.
+
+       ***
+
+Speaking on the question of the shortage of freights Mr. RUNCIMAN
+stated, a few days ago, that he did not know that ostrich feathers took
+up much room. Has he never been to a matinee?
+
+       ***
+
+In the same connection a member of the Ladies' Kennel Club writes: "I
+let them take my husband for their horrid old War without grumbling, but
+when they tell me that poor little Nanki-Poo can't have his
+ostrich-feather pillow to lie on I think it is too much!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Midget_ (_as he comes to_). "I expect the War's been a
+bit bad for your regular business, Mister?"
+
+_Second_. "Not it. The boot-makin' trade's as good as ever."
+
+_Midget._ "Oh, you're a boot-maker, are you? Funny--I made certain you
+was a cab-washer."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The profits of the Bradford Dyers' Association exceed the most
+    sanguinary expectations."
+
+              _Morning Paper_.
+
+The influence of the War, again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+S.P.C.A., please note.
+
+    "Dogs are generally from 9 to 18 inches long and the teeth from
+    3 to 8 inches long; the service pattern are from 12 to 15 inches
+    long with 6 inch teeth. For straight dogs the ends of the teeth
+    should be slightly further apart than at their root. Dogs when
+    heated red-hot can be twisted till their teeth make any required
+    angle with each other, generally a right angle; they are then
+    known as skew dogs."
+
+                _Military Engineering_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The offensive eggs were first placed in a mangle, and the slow,
+    crude, and obnoxious process was gone through of crushing them.
+    The pugnacity of the smell arising from this progress became
+    appalling."--_Grocers' Journal_.
+
+Fit to knock one down, in fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady, 45, domesticated, Protestant, furniture, wishes
+    Correspondence with Respectable Widower and Bachelor; view
+    matrimony."--_Southport Visitor_.
+
+One of the two gentlemen will have to be content with the furniture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CURE FOR DEPRESSION.
+
+  Moments there are of transient gloom
+    When life for me appears to lose
+  Its rosy aspect and assume
+    The turnip's pessimistic hues;
+  As when o' mornings, gazing out
+    Across my patch of fog-grey river,
+  I feel a twinge of poor man's gout
+    Or else a touch of liver;
+
+  Or when, forgetting WATTS'S rhymes
+    On puppy-dogs that bark and bite,
+  _The Westminster_ attacks _The Times_,
+    Starting a most unseemly fight;
+  Or when I find some Labour sheet
+    Still left at large to boom rebellion,
+  Or hear the thin pacific bleat
+    Of "my hon. friend" TREVELYAN;
+
+  When enemy craft career above,
+    Unchallenged (till they've had their fling);
+  Or Little Willie's vernal shove
+    Anticipates the dawn of Spring;
+  When Neutrals want an open door
+    Kept wide for their commercial dealings,
+  And we must risk to lose the War
+    Rather than hurt their feelings.
+
+  Such moments, making Hope look bleak,
+    And Courage turn a little blue,
+  Even with hearts as tough as teak
+    May well occur; but, when they do,
+  This thought will readjust your bile
+    And prove the best of appetisers:--?
+  _Would I exchange_ (here's where you smile)
+    _Our chances with the KAISER'S?_
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. XXXV.
+
+(_From Enver Pasha._)
+
+Sire,--Surely the course of human affairs is often strange and
+perplexing. When we formed the Committee of Union and Progress and
+deposed the wretched ABDUL from the Sultanate no sane man can have
+thought that you and I should ever be friends. ABDUL was your friend;
+you and yours had lavished upon him and his creatures all your arts for
+the purpose of obtaining influence and promoting the interest--forgive
+me for saying it--not so much of Turkey as of the German Empire. When
+therefore we emerged, and ABDUL with his system retired, all your
+beautiful schemes seemed to be shattered into pieces so small that no
+human ingenuity could avail to pick them up and fit them together again.
+Yet lo and behold, the impossible has happened. ABDUL remains in
+darkness, I and my colleagues are in power, and you and I are even more
+closely knit together than is altogether desirable for me and those whom
+(indirectly, perhaps, but not the less effectively) I help to govern. I
+am entitled therefore to have a heart-to-heart talk with my
+bosom-friend, and, anyhow, whether I am entitled or not, that is what I
+propose to have. You may tell me in your genial way that I am only an
+upstart, but I answer that I occupy my position not because my father
+and my grandfather were big men, but because I myself, through my own
+plans and by my own strength, did certain things which in my judgment
+had to be done.
+
+What I now feel, O my friend, is this: I am beginning to doubt whether
+in all this tremendous confusion of fighting I have made the right
+choice. It wasn't _necessary_ for us Turks to fight at all; it wasn't
+even desirable. We had suffered a severe set-back in the first Balkan
+War, and in the second we were only just able, owing to the consummate
+folly of that silly knave, your friend, TSAR FERDINAND, to snatch a
+brand or two from the burning. What we wanted was rest, and had it not
+been for you we might have had it--yes, and our wounds might have been
+healed and our finances restored, while others endured privation and
+loss.
+
+All that, as I say, we might have had; but from the day when the
+_Goeben_ arrived off Constantinople we were doomed. That, indeed, was a
+master-stroke on your part, but for us it has meant misery on an
+ever-increasing scale. What were your promises? We were to have Egypt,
+but you were to be there too, and you were to hold the Bagdad railway
+and the regions through which it ran. We were to help you in conquering
+India, but you were to keep it for yourself when once it was conquered.
+We were to have a free hand with the Armenians. Well, we have had it,
+and the Armenians are fewer by half-a-million than they were. Pleasant
+as it is to contemplate the destruction of those restless and disloyal
+infidels, it cannot be said that we have gained any advantage from it,
+for the Russians have taken Erzerum and are sweeping through Armenia in
+a mighty and irresistible torrent, while our Turkish armies are
+scattered to the winds of heaven. Strong as you are and prodigal of
+promises, here you have failed to make good your pledges of help, and
+nowhere else do you seem able to achieve anything, except the crushing
+of little nations.
+
+I look back with loathing upon the day when I was mad enough to listen
+to you and to become a partner in your schemes. You flattered us, nay,
+you even fawned upon us in order to secure your ends, and, now that our
+forces have been joined with yours, ruin menaces my country and my race.
+You, forsooth, allow yourself to be held up as a great prophet of Islam
+and a Heaven-sent protector of its faith; but we who see our nation
+crumbling into dust owing to your selfish ambition may be pardoned if at
+last we look to ourselves and attempt to save what still remains to us.
+To work, as they say, for the King of PRUSSIA has never been a
+profitable undertaking.
+
+Yours, ENVER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Fireworks were thrown from the gallery and the audience rushed
+    on the platform, pelting the Pacifists with red ochre. The
+    meeting ended with the sinking of Rule Britannia."--_Egyptian
+    Gazette._
+
+The Pacifists appear to have had the last word, after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mill Manager Honoured.--Mr. ---- has been elected a Fellow of
+    the Royal Society for the encouragement of fits."--_Times of
+    India._
+
+We do not recognise the Society, but imagine it may be the Taylorian
+Institute.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It will take about 12 days for goods traffic to become normal
+    again, although of course passenger traffic is not interfered
+    with in the slightest. In the meantime the booking of elephants
+    and other perishables has been stopped."--_Rangoon Times._
+
+Unless, of course, they leave their trunks behind them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We observe that Mr. WATERS BUTLER has been appointed a member of the
+Liquor Control Board, with the hearty approval of the Birmingham Beer,
+Spirit and Wine Trade Association. If there is anything in a name no one
+should be better able to hold the balance between them and the
+teetotalers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MILITARY REASON.
+
+"FOR MILITARY REASONS OUR ARMY HAS WITHDRAWN FROM ERZERUM."
+
+_Turkish official communique (nearly a week after the event)_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Coster_ (_to parish visitor, who has been commiserating
+with him on the loss of his father_). "Yes, Mum, 'e were a splendid
+father to us and no mistake. Yer see, Mum, there was eleven of us, and I
+never knowed 'im raise 'is 'and to one of us--'cept as it might be in
+self-defence."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FRONT.
+
+Some officers like putting up barbed wire, not so much, I think, from
+any real deep-seated affection for the stuff itself, or from any
+confidence in the protection it affords--its disintegration being one of
+the assumed preliminaries of an attack--as for the satisfaction of
+writing in the Weekly Work Report, "In front of X276 we put up 97 rolls
+of barbed wire; in front of S279, 342 rolls; in front of X276a, 3,692
+rolls ..." and so on.
+
+An officer who overdoes this sport of kings gets a trench a bad name; it
+becomes a trench with a great wiring tradition to be maintained. One of
+us took over a legacy from one of these barbarians last trip. H.Q. had
+got wind of his zeal and was determined that we for our part should not
+be idle. It was murmured in billets, it was whispered upon the _pave_,
+that for the officer taking over B116 there was a great wiring toward.
+The officer taking over B116 hated wiring worse than bully beef. He said
+you either die of pneumonia through standing still pretending to
+supervise, or tire yourself to bits and earn the undying contempt of
+your party by pretending to take an active share in the game.
+
+Howbeit he took over B116 and was told by the Next Man Up to wire to his
+heart's content. He asked the Next Man Up just where he wanted the
+wiring to be performed. The Next Man Up waved an airy arm in the
+direction of the Hun, and observed, "Out there, of course. Think we
+wanted you to wire Hampstead Heath?" Then the B116 officer took the
+N.M.U. to the parapet and showed him waving acres of high wire, low
+wire, loose wire, tight wire, thick wire, thin wire, two ply, three ply,
+and four ply, plain and barbed, running out and out into the dusk.
+
+The N.M.U. gave it all a dispassionate sort of look, and merely said,
+"Oh, go out in front of all that. The Bosch is miles off just here."
+
+Now B116 is a front line trench in a re-entrant. The Hun trench facing
+it is also in a re-entrant, the original front lines on both sides
+having been crumpled and flooded out of existence. So when night fell
+the officer of B116 took his party and set out, and he went on and on,
+and then on, and there was still wire. And he went on and on and on. And
+there were bits of old trenches and saps and listening posts, but still
+wire. And he went on and on and there were more bits of trench and more
+wire. And he went on and on--and I know this is true because he told
+me--and on and on until (no, he did not come back to our own trench, he
+had a compass) an exceptionally good lot of fireworks went up, and he
+was fired at and bombed by Germans behind and Germans in front and
+Germans on either side, and, mind you, he was still in the wire. So he
+waited until all the Germans appeared to have killed each other or gone
+to sleep, and brought his party laboriously back to B116, from which he
+sent to the Next Man Up a message which ran: "If you want me to wire
+Bosch third line, kindly arrange for artillery preparation."
+
+It is some days now since they put up any wire in front of B116.
+
+It is a fact well known to all our most widely-circulated photographic
+dailies that these German gunners waste a power of ammunition. The only
+criticism I have to make is that I wish they would waste it more
+carefully. The way they go strewing the stuff about round us is such
+that they're bound to hit someone or something before long. Still we
+have only two more days in, and they seldom give us more than ten
+thousand shells a day.
+
+We are in billets now, and frankly, I am beginning to be very exercised
+about my boots. When I say "my boots" I mean rather the boots concerning
+me than "the boots that are mine." I wanted, some couple of months ago,
+a new pair of boots. I told the Quartermaster, and he looked at my then
+boots superciliously and said he could quite believe it.
+
+I rashly left it at that, imagining something would happen. A man like a
+quartermaster, who rolls in boots, would, I felt, think nothing of
+sending along a dozen pairs before breakfast, with a chit telling me to
+give away what I couldn't use. But no. It seems every boot in his store
+was numbered.
+
+I approached him again, and demanded boots, soberly, seriously and
+strenuously, I even offered to pay for them. This appeared to cheer him
+a little, and he murmured something about Army Form 247 x2b, not at
+present in stock, but indispensable to the issue of the most negligible
+boot on payment. My further efforts were, owing to exigencies of my
+military situation, conducted through emissaries. My servant would
+demand of his company agent nightly, what about them boots? And the
+company agent would reply--also nightly--that, if the officer would send
+his size down, the matter would be put through at once. For five nights
+running my size in boots went down with the empty water tins. On the
+last night I added a sketch of my feet and of my present boots, with
+scale of kilometres subjoined, a brief history of footgear in Flanders
+from pre-Caesarian times to the present day, one piece of broken lace
+from the old boots, and anything else that struck me as likely to put
+the matter a little further through.
+
+The lace appeared to put quite a new idea into their heads. The advance
+booting agent now seemed to think that if I had some boots already I
+might get the new pair by a process known as exchange, which takes less
+time and has the additional advantage of not costing anything. This
+struck them as an excellent new game for several days while they were
+deciding which was the right army form for an officer desirous of
+exchanging boots. At last all appeared fixed up. I came back into
+billets with every confidence of finding a couple of boots waiting for
+me on the mat. Of course I didn't really _believe_ they would be there;
+I only had every confidence. Anyhow they were not.
+
+This morning the Quartermaster called in person. He wanted to know what
+size I took in boots.
+
+I expect now that the matter will be put through almost at once.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR BOYS.
+
+_Outraged Elder Brother_ (_who has been asked for a light_). "You're a
+nice example for young 'Erb. 'Ow dare you 'ave Cigarettes?"
+
+_Brother Bill._ "They ain't mine--they're 'Erb's."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Impending Apology.
+
+    "Chaplain would appreciate portable Gramophone for clearing
+    station."--_The Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARD CASES.
+
+Among other applications which were recently heard for exemption from
+the new Compulsory Service Act for unmarried men we extract the
+following:--
+
+Mr. Isaac Goldstein claimed exemption for his clerk, a stalwart youth of
+twenty-two, on the ground that he was indispensable to him in his
+business.
+
+Asked what his business was the applicant said he was a bookmaker.
+
+_The Chairman._ I thought there was no racing now.
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ Oh, yes. Steeple-chasing every week.
+
+_The Chairman._ Do people still go to races and bet?
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ Of course they do. Why not?
+
+_The Chairman._ I fancied they might have found other things to do. Also
+I fancied that money might be short.
+
+The applicant said that there was plenty of money about if you knew
+where to look for it.
+
+_The Chairman._ And who ride the horses?
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ The jockeys, of course.
+
+_The Chairman._ They prefer that to doing anything more serious for
+their country?
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ They are doing something very serious for their
+country. They're preserving the breed of horses. Where would old
+England's horseflesh be without races and steeplechases?
+
+_The Chairman._ You say this young man is indispensable to you. How?
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ He is my clerk. He writes down the bets. I haven't got
+time to write down bets myself; I'm too busy taking them. He's one of
+the quickest clerks in England. I should go broke if I hadn't got him.
+
+Application refused.
+
+Mr. Joe Tummilee applied for the exemption of a comedian playing in his
+revue, "Never mind the War." This young man, he said, who was
+twenty-nine, was the life and soul of the piece, and if he joined the
+Army the applicant would be put both to inconvenience and loss.
+
+_The Chairman._ Are there not older or married actors that you could
+employ for this great work?
+
+_Mr. Tummilee._ They're not so good. The comedian in question was a very
+agile dancer and was also good-looking. Other men might not attract the
+public.
+
+_The Chairman._ Is the attraction of the public essential?
+
+_Mr. Tummilee (surprised)._ Naturally. How should we managers live
+otherwise? Besides, when a great war is going on it's a national duty to
+try and make people forget. My theatre, you perhaps are not aware, is a
+favourite resort for wounded soldiers, who are never so happy as when
+they are there.
+
+_The Chairman._ Surely all that happiness will not disappear because
+this one performer is missing?
+
+_Mr. Tummilee._ Most of it. He's the great draw.
+
+_The Chairman._ Has it not occurred to you that the country ought to
+come first?
+
+_Mr. Tummilee._ I consider I'm doing a great deal for the country, and
+he too, by making it laugh.
+
+_The Chairman._ You must find an older funny man or soon we may all be
+weeping.
+
+Application refused.
+
+Mr. Samuel Bland claimed exemption on the ground that he disapproved of
+war and physical force.
+
+_The Chairman._ What would you do if you caught a burglar in your house?
+
+_Applicant._ I should lock him in and call for the police.
+
+_The Chairman._ Then you don't mind relying on the physical force of
+others for your own protection?
+
+_Applicant._ That is part of the machinery of civilisation.
+
+_The Chairman._ So, I fear, is an army. Do you pay your taxes?
+
+_Applicant._ Yes.
+
+_The Chairman._ Why?
+
+_The Applicant._ Because there is Scriptural warrant for it.
+
+_The Chairman._ But you know that a large part of them goes to maintain
+our fighting men. Without money we should have to give in.
+
+_Applicant._ I obey the law. I don't necessarily know where the money is
+going.
+
+_The Chairman._ Your position is very illogical. Either you should take
+your part in defending your country or obey your conscience and either
+go to prison for refusing to pay taxes for the carrying-on of the War,
+or emigrate to some place more like Utopia than this is. As it is you
+take advantage of other men's readiness to fight and even to die for
+you, and actually pay them to do so, but raise conscientious objections
+to doing either for yourself. A conscience that is so adaptable is not
+worth considering.
+
+Application refused.
+
+Harry Cadgsmith, who said he was a picture-palace proprietor, applied
+for exemption for the commissionaire who stood outside the building and
+invited people in.
+
+_The Chairman._ How old is he?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Thirty-four.
+
+_The Chairman._ Is he strong?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Very. He is also highly trained; he wears uniform and
+calls out the attractions. The cinema is one of the principal
+alleviations of modern life and but for this man's powerful voice many
+people might pass by and never enter.
+
+_The Chairman._ What kind of pictures do you show?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ The best.
+
+_The Chairman._ Are they English?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Some are. But the public prefer American ones. I always
+pride myself on giving the public what it has the sense to want.
+
+_The Chairman._ Might it not be better employed elsewhere? Making
+munitions, for example?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ That is nothing to do with me. My business is to supply
+a demand.
+
+_The Chairman._ What is your chief film this week?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ It is a very fine story entitled "The Prince of
+Crooks."
+
+_The Chairman._ Could not a woman take this man's place?
+
+_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Not to do it justice.
+
+Application refused.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUAVE MARI MAGNO.
+
+(New Style).
+
+  'Tis sweet, so sage LUCRETIUS wrote of yore,
+  To watch a storm-tossed vessel from the shore,
+  Or safely placed, when hosts in conflict close,
+  To view the battle as it ebbs and flows;
+  But he, poor ancient, never knew the rare
+  Delight afforded by an easy-chair,
+  Wherein the slippered critic, at his ease,
+  His ample writing-pad upon his knees,
+  Primed with historic and romantic lore,
+  Indites his weekly comment on the War;
+  Revises or expands official news
+  With graphic touches and resplendent hues;
+  Teaches the doubtful battle where to rage
+  And sprinkles diagrams on ev'ry page;
+  Creates new posts or, at his own sweet will,
+  Proceeds expected vacancies to fill;
+  Deposes Kings, Prime Ministers, Grand Dukes,
+  And rival pundits suitably rebukes.
+  A hundred thousand readers every week
+  For solace in his commentaries seek,
+  Swear by his arguments, and swear at those
+  Which rival quidnuncs artfully oppose.
+  Matched with an occupation such as this
+  Philosophy is destitute of bliss;
+  He only breathes content's untroubled air
+  Who wages warfare from a snug armchair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _R.N. Cadet_ (_during his first term at Osborne--where he
+has been told always to salute his superior officers of both
+services--meeting some "temporary" subalterns who disregard his
+salute_). "Really, mother, if these temporary subs of the junior service
+cannot behave as gentlemen and return my salute, I shall certainly give
+up taking any notice of them." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD OPENINGS FOR M.P.'s.
+
+_The Manchester Guardian_ complains that there is a remarkable monotony
+about the opening of speeches in the House of Commons.
+
+"On Wednesday forty-five speeches (not counting brief efforts in the way
+of interjections) were delivered, and in thirty cases the speeches began
+with the first person singular. Only fifteen members could think of
+anything more original." It appears that four speeches began with "I
+beg," four with "I should like," three with "I wish," and three with "I
+am sure."
+
+It may be a little daring, perhaps, to suggest that some originality
+should be introduced into the methods of Parliamentary orators (writes a
+correspondent); but as one whose courage has never failed him in telling
+other people how to go about their business I venture to suggest a few
+openings which possibly have never yet been utilised.
+
+As it is half the battle, to the speaker, to grip interest at the very
+outset, the following might be tried: "Drip, drip, drip--the blood fell
+from the ceiling." This would cause departing Members to drop sharply
+back into their seats. Only a little ingenuity would be required to make
+these words the opening of a speech on any timely topic. Our
+aristocratic legislators could make certain of arresting attention by
+beginning, "In the words of a friend of mine, a well-known Peckham
+butcher"--another gambit that could be made to suit any subject, from
+the shipping problem to the Zeppelin nuisance.
+
+Or again, "The missis woke me up in the middle of last Tuesday night,
+and said"--This is the kind of homely touch that would ensure a
+sympathetic hearing.
+
+Members might also make a good start with "'Twas" and "Methinks," even
+at the risk of being accused of the use of unparliamentary expressions.
+
+If they would only study the poets I they would find plenty of bright
+and original openings. What better could be desired than BROWNING'S
+
+  "So, at home, the sick tall yellow Duchess
+  Was left with the infant in her clutches,"
+
+if occasion should arise in the House for criticism of the heartless
+action of a Local Tribunal in disallowing a Duke's claim for exemption?
+
+Many a man possesses an undiscovered knack of extempore rhyming, a gift
+which has seldom or never been exercised in the House of Commons. That
+will be a bright day for legislators when a Member rises in his place
+and begins something like this: "Sir, if the House will bear with me one
+moment, I should like to say that I, for one, cannot agree that we have
+found the perfect way of dealing with a gross neglect to which all
+honest men object." Any Member who could keep up that sort of thing for
+half-an-hour (and some, no doubt, could, if they would only practise)
+would achieve lasting fame, not only for his originality, but because of
+the remarkable scenes amid which his concluding lines would almost
+certainly be uttered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans planned to expel the British from South Africa,
+    aided by disinfected Boers."
+
+          _Englishman (Calcutta)_,
+
+But, in the end, it was General BOTHA who cleared out the Germs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_after Sunday tea, on departure of officers
+quartered in the neighbourhood_). "I'm glad Captain Devereux didn't
+come, as I'm not looking my oldest to-day."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY DUG-OUT.
+
+(A Memory of Gallipoli)
+
+  It was my home, not ringed with roses blowing,
+    Nor set in meadows where cool waters croon;
+  Parched wastes were round it, and no shade was going,
+    Nor breath of violets nor song-birds' tune;
+  Only at times from the adjacent dwelling
+  Came down with Boreas the quaint, compelling
+        Scent of the Tenth Platoon.
+
+  And there not hermit-like alone I brooded,
+    But ant and lizard and all things that crawl
+  With great grasshoppers by brigades intruded;
+    Therein the tortoise had his homely stall;
+  Green flies and blue slept nightly in their notches,
+  Save when a serpent, in the middle watches,
+        Came and disturbed us all.
+
+  There, where the sun, the senseless sun, kept pouring,
+    And dust-clouds smothered one about the chest,
+  While secret waters filtered through the flooring
+    (In case the heat should leave one _too_ oppressed),
+  Always I lay in those sad fevered seasons
+  Which Red-Hat humourists, for mystic reasons,
+        Regarded as our "rest."
+
+  For it was home; and when I was not in it,
+    But in the trenches, it was home indeed;
+  When mad foes fired at twenty rounds a minute
+    (Not, I may say, the regulation speed),
+  For me far more it harboured my Penates;
+  I missed my animals; I missed my gay teas
+        With Alf, the centipede.
+
+  And I am shocked to think that that same ceiling
+    Shields now some Mussulman of lowly strain;
+  Yet, though he knows me not, I can't help feeling
+    That something of my spirit must remain,
+  And if, in that rich air the man should mellow
+  In mind, in soul, and be a better fellow,
+        I have not lived in vain.
+
+  And it may be, when worlds have ceased to wrestle,
+    I shall go back across the Midland foam
+  At special rates in some large tourist vessel
+    To my late hollow in the Sultan's loam,
+  And there clasp hands with that uplifted warrior,
+  Compare brief notes and wonder which was sorrier
+        To have to call it home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to treat a Wife.
+
+Extract from lecture by N.C.O.:--
+
+    "Your rifle is your best friend, take every care of it; treat it
+    as you would your wife, rub it all over with an oily rag every
+    day."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The court was crowded by Gaelic Leaguers and the proceedings
+    were marked by some disorderly scenes, until the magistrates
+    ordered their continuance."--_Dublin Evening Mail._
+
+Then, of course, being in Ireland, they ceased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Provincial Paper, reporting a speech upon heroes of the present War,
+represents the speaker as referring to "Bill Adams in Leigh Hunt's
+poem." This is the first time within our knowledge that our old friend
+_Abou Ben Adhem_ has been confounded with that other popular figure, the
+fictitious hero of Waterloo!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW FRIGHTFULNESS.
+
+_Admiral von Tirpitz_. "PIRACY IS DEAD. STILL, I LIKE TO THINK THAT,
+UNDER ANOTHER NAME, THE GOOD WORK GOES ON."
+
+[Berlin contends that, piracy being extinct, the arming of liners and
+merchant vessels is no longer legitimate, and that German submarines are
+therefore entitled to sink them at sight. The New Frightfulness is due
+to begin to-day.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A STRONG SOUTH-EASTER.
+
+I have been having further trouble with my neighbour, Petherton, whose
+place adjoins mine, being divided from it by a hedge. Beyond the hedge
+lies Petherton's small paddock, where his poultry amuse themselves, and,
+beyond that, Petherton's house and garden.
+
+But, however good a fence may be, it will not keep out, or keep in,
+smells. Therefore when Petherton engaged in apparently chemical
+operations giving off the most noxious gases I was rapidly forced to the
+conclusion that he ought to have a different kind of boundary between
+his property and mine, and also that the air of our neighbourhood no
+longer rivalled that of Bexhill, especially when the wind blew from the
+south-east.
+
+Wishing to remedy this state of affairs without recourse to unpleasant
+measures, I sat down to write to Petherton.
+
+    Dear Petherton,--These continual south-easterly winds portend
+    rain, I fear, and so I hope you have wrapped your parsnips up to
+    protect them from the probable excess of moisture which is so
+    injurious to all such plants.
+
+    My primary object in writing is not so much anxiety about the
+    health of your vegetables, but to ask whether you have noticed a
+    most unpleasant odour which seems to be heading north-west; at
+    any rate it is more unpleasant if possible when the wind is from
+    the south-east than at any other time.
+
+    It does not appear likely that the smell should have come from
+    the German lines, so we must look nearer home for the cause of
+    the trouble. Don't you think we ought to take joint action to
+    get the nuisance ended?
+
+    Yours, H. J. Fordyce.
+
+Petherton's reply was a bulky packet which, being opened, revealed a tin
+of dog soap. I could only infer that he wished to saddle Togo, our
+prize-bred Airedale, with the blame. Coward!
+
+However, true to my determination to be friendly if possible, I wrote:--
+
+    Dear Fred,--Thanks for the Camembert. Thomas our cat has not
+    quite completed the Moonlight Sonata which he has spent several
+    nights in composing, but as soon as it is published I will send
+    you a copy of it in return.
+
+    My nephew, over from France on short leave, came to see us
+    yesterday but left hurriedly. He said that the air was too
+    reminiscent of a place where he was severely gassed. _Don't you
+    notice anything?_
+
+    Yours as ever,  H. J. Fordyce.
+
+Within an hour of the delivery of this letter another parcel arrived
+from Petherton. It contained three ordinary clothes-pegs and a brief
+note, which ran:--
+
+    Sir,--I thought even you would be able to take the hint
+    contained in my previous parcel. As however it was evidently
+    lost on you, I am writing to suggest to you more plainly that
+    you should wash your dog. I noticed its deplorable condition
+    when I passed it in the road the other morning, and am surprised
+    that the simple explanation of the trouble has not occurred to
+    you before.
+
+    Should the course I recommend have no good effect, I can only
+    suggest your shooting, selling or otherwise disposing of the
+    malodorous pest, or else wearing one of the protectors of which
+    I enclose three. They are somewhat archaic in design, but should
+    just suit you and your household.
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    Frederick Petherton.
+
+I replied:--
+
+    Good old Freddie,--What a genius you are! Of course the dog is
+    the culprit. I was offered fifteen pounds for him the other day
+    and refused it. No doubt I should have received a better offer
+    but for the defect, which you so readily noticed, in the
+    animal's condition. I have just had him shampooed and when he is
+    dry I will examine him and report to you at once.
+
+    Many thanks for the charming nose-protectors, which however I
+    return, as they are all too large. I wonder if you would mind
+    changing them for sevens; these appear to be eight-and-a-halfs.
+
+    I am glad the wind has veered to the north-east. Your parsnips
+    will no doubt share my joy. By the way was it you I saw
+    yesterday in your paddock holding your nose just before the wind
+    shifted round? The man, whoever it was, was looking at your
+    poultry, which appear to be drooping.
+
+    Yours till the wind changes,
+
+    H. J. Fordyce.
+
+    P.S.--If I can get a good stamp-album in town to-day I will send
+    it to you. A change of hobby is often very beneficial.
+
+I followed this up with another letter in the afternoon, couched in more
+formal terms:--
+
+    Sir,--In fulfilment of the promise contained in my previous
+    letter of to-day's date I have the honour to inform you that my
+    dog Togo is not the cause of the trouble. As soon as he was dry
+    I fastened him up in the middle of my drawing-room, and my
+    household, myself included, sniffed at him from all points of
+    the compass. Then, leaving him still chained up, we went into
+    the garden and nearly fainted from the pestilential odours borne
+    on the breeze, which was again south-east.
+
+    If you have not suffered it seems clear to me that either (a)
+    you have a curious taste in scents, or (b) you have no sense of
+    smell. I think you should call in an expert, in the case of (a)
+    a brain specialist, or in the case of (b) a nose-plumber. In the
+    meantime I intend to consult another sort of expert, the
+    Sanitary Inspector.
+
+    Yours obediently, except in such a matter as this,
+
+    H. J. Fordyce.
+
+I wrote to the Inspector that night and received the following within
+twenty-four hours:--
+
+    Dear Sir,--Yours of yesterday's date to hand, and in reply I
+    regret that I am unable to assist you in the matter as your
+    neighbour, Mr. Petherton, is engaged on important experimental
+    work for the Government in connection with the manufacture of
+    asphyxiating gases, thus causing the unpleasant odours about
+    which I have received several complaints recently. I have been
+    in communication with Mr. Petherton on the matter, but he seems
+    unable to abate the nuisance. I am surprised that he has not
+    explained the position to you himself.
+
+    I remain, Yours obediently,
+
+    M. Tarbutt.
+
+    _pp_. A. C.
+
+On receiving the above I wrote to Petherton:--
+
+    Dear Fred,--Only a few words to say that I have just heard the
+    great news. Heartiest congratters. As a
+    strafe-scent-manufacturer you are IT. _A bas les Boches!_
+
+    But why so close about it all this time? If you had only let me
+    know about it sooner I would have dug a trench in my garden and
+    slept in it, instead of complaining. Henceforth I shall turn my
+    nose (well respirated) to the south-east every morning as an act
+    of homage.
+
+    Give it 'em hot, old man; don't mind us; we love it now. When
+    you get stuck for any fresh ingredients refer to _Macbeth_, Act
+    4, Scene I, though I should be inclined to think you have done
+    this already.
+
+    Yours gratefully, H. J. Fordyce.
+
+So far I have received no reply from Petherton. In the circumstances I
+excuse his apparent hauteur.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ships that pass in the Night."
+
+    "A large number of our kinsmen from over the seas were
+    unmarried, and he would like to see for every shipload of them
+    that came over a shipload of women from this country sent out to
+    be mated to them."--_Daily Paper._
+
+It looks as if it might be stalemate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 21st._--Although _de minimis non curat lex_, our
+law-makers delight in very small jokes. When Mr. CECIL BECK, as
+Vice-Chamberlain of the Household, delivered HIS MAJESTY's reply to the
+Address the House of Commons was chiefly interested in watching how he
+would accomplish the feat of walking backwards from the Table to the
+Bar. More than once in past history the task has proved too much for the
+man who essayed it, and the orderly retreat has degenerated into a
+shambling rout. But there was no such hitch to-day. Progressive
+politician though he is, Mr. BECK retraced his steps with graceful ease,
+and fully deserved the applause that rewarded his effort.
+
+[Illustration: FINANCIAL OPTIMISM.
+
+Mr. Micawber Asquith.]
+
+Irreverent opponents of the PRIME MINISTER have sometimes compared him
+to _Micawber_, on the ground that he was always waiting for something to
+turn up. I found another link to-day between these celebrated
+characters. As Mr. ASQUITH unfolded the details of the two new Votes of
+Credit, one of 120 millions to clear up the present financial year, the
+other of 300 millions to start the new one, he reminded me of _Micawber_
+calculating his indebtedness to _Traddles_. While professing a proper
+alarm at the colossal amount of the expenditure--nearly two thousand
+millions already, or twice the cost of the twenty-two years' war against
+NAPOLEON--he rolled these gigantic figures off his tongue as if he loved
+them. You will remember _Copperfield's_ remark when the famous I.O.U.
+had been handed over: "I am persuaded not only that this was quite the
+same to Mr. Micawber as paying the money, but that Traddles himself
+hardly knew the difference until he had had to think about it." The
+PRIME MINISTER'S financial optimism left the House under much the same
+impression, and Mr. MCKENNA rather deepened it by the declaration that
+with prudence and statesmanship our credit would survive the War however
+long it might last.
+
+_Tuesday, February 22nd._--For nearly ten years, without a break, Mr.
+GEORGE LAMBERT, Yeoman, as the reference-books describe him, sat on the
+Treasury Bench as Civil Lord of the Admiralty. Then the Coalition came
+along and his place knew him no more. For eight long months he has
+yearned to let the new Administration know what he thought of them, and
+to-day he seized the opportunity furnished by the Vote on Account.
+
+Beginning with a moving tale of how the War Office took several weeks
+and a traction engine to move a load of hay two miles from a rick to a
+railway station in his native Devon, the Yeoman proceeded with other
+counts of his indictment. The PRIME MINISTER mentioned yesterday a new
+plan by which an outside Committee, composed of business men and headed
+by a Cabinet Minister, was checking the expenditure of the Service
+Departments. (The cost of shells, we were told to-day by Dr. ADDISON,
+has been brought down to a figure which means an economy of L400,000 a
+week on our future production.)
+
+But Mr. LAMBERT would have none of it. Speaking with all the authority
+of his long official experience he laid down the dictum that one Cabinet
+Minister could not supervise another. Next he attacked the new Order in
+Council, which makes the Chief of the Staff responsible for the orders
+given to the Army, declaring that it reduced Lord KITCHENER to the level
+of a civilian; and finally he denounced the Government for not making
+more use of Lord FISHER. Under the stress of these terrific blows the
+Government ought to have reeled, if it did not fall. But nothing
+happened, except that the Votes on Account for four hundred and twenty
+millions were by half-past seven duly passed.
+
+In the Lords meanwhile the Government was sustaining a heavier attack,
+arising out of their failure to stop all supplies from reaching Germany.
+Lord SYDENHAM attributed it to the Declaration of London, which had
+crippled the Navy; Lord BERESFORD thought it was the result of trying to
+run a war with a Cabinet that included twenty-one amateurs. Lord
+LANSDOWNE, a master of the quip modest, thereupon stated the
+Government's intention to add a twenty-second to the twenty-one by
+appointing a Minister of Blockade.
+
+_Wednesday, February 23rd._--At Question-time, Mr. ASQUITH announced
+that the new Minister was Lord ROBERT CECIL. It is close upon fifty
+years since another Lord ROBERT CECIL (who had just become Lord
+CRANBORNE) entered the Cabinet of Lord DERBY.
+
+[Illustration: NEW DEPARTURES BY SEA AND AIR.
+
+Lord Robert Cecil and Lord Derby.]
+
+In consequence of the recent decision that no Member shall in future
+receive two salaries it had been rumoured that Parliamentary salaries
+would be abolished altogether. There were signs of heartfelt relief from
+various quarters of the House when the PREMIER met the suggestion with
+an uncompromising "No."
+
+Captain J. S. RANKINE, the khaki-clad giant who took his seat for East
+Toxteth to-day, had a warm reception, all the more grateful in view of
+the blizzard that raged without. The temperature of the House fell
+rapidly, however, when Mr. SNOWDEN proceeded to outline his views on the
+subject of peace. In vain he attempted to show that there was a
+considerable party in Germany ready to come to terms if only they knew
+what our terms were. Members listened in chilly silence. They thawed
+into laughter when the Hon. Member with some lack of humour quoted the
+German CHANCELLOR'S declaration, "We do not threaten small nations;" and
+they cheered when he quoted, with intent to condemn, Lord ROSEBERY'S
+statement that Germany must be utterly crushed. Nor was the House more
+impressed by Mr. TREVELYAN'S proposal that as there might be a
+peace-party in Germany it was our duty to "state our full terms and find
+out."
+
+The PRIME MINISTER'S reply was, I fear, very painful to the pacificists.
+The German CHANCELLOR'S statement he found to be one of "colossal and
+shameless audacity." German Socialists might prate of peace, but only
+twenty out of five times that number in the Reichstag had the courage to
+vote against the War Credit. Our terms were already on record in the
+speech which he made at the LORD MAYOR'S Banquet in 1914. Until
+Belgium--"and I will add Serbia"--has been fully reinstated, until
+France is secured against aggression, until the smaller nationalities
+are safeguarded, until the military domination of Prussia is destroyed,
+"not until then shall we or any of our gallant Allies abate by one jot
+our prosecution of this War." The cheers that greeted this declaration
+lasted almost as long as the speech itself. In the ensuing debate Mr.
+PONSONBY, Sir W. BYLES, and one or two others emitted what Mr. STANTON
+picturesquely described as "the croakings and bleatings of the fatted
+lambs who had besmirched their own country." But they created no effect.
+Mr. SNOWDEN's early peace had been nipped by the frost.
+
+_Thursday, February 24th._--In both Houses the administration of the
+Military Service Act was again the subject of criticism. From the
+explanations given by Lord NEWTON and Mr. TENNANT it appears that most
+of the complaints against the recruiting officers for over-pressure have
+come from men who were applying for armlets, not for exemption. As Lord
+NEWTON put it, a man, if he wants to obtain an armlet, must run the risk
+of being taken for some kind of service. Mr. TENNANT reminded some of
+his critics, not superfluously, that the object of this Act was to get
+men to serve.
+
+Lord DERBY, fresh from his triumph as Director of Recruiting, is to act
+as Chairman of the new Joint Committee which will supervise and
+co-ordinate naval and military aviation. For him, as for that other
+_Ariel_, "there's more work." The same is now true of Colonel LOCKWOOD
+who, since the opening of the Session, has been in a condition of
+suspended animation. The Kitchen Committee, in the opinion of many
+Members the most important of all the Committees, had not been set up,
+and consequently could not elect a Chairman. How Members have lived
+through more than a week without any visible means of securing
+subsistence it is not for me to reveal. Suffice it to say that no case
+of absolute starvation has come to my notice. To-day all is well. The
+Kitchen Committee is again in being, and "Uncle Mark" has once more been
+appointed Minister of the Interior (unpaid, except by the gratitude and
+affection of his fellow-Members). Fresh responsibilities have now been
+thrust upon him. This afternoon it fell to him, as temporary Leader of
+the Opposition, to ask the customary question as to next week's
+business. Having heard the PRIME MINISTER'S reply, he sat for a few
+moments as if lost in thought, calculating, no doubt, by a rapid process
+of mental arithmetic what the Consolidated Fund Bill, Supplementary
+Estimates and the Civil Service Vote would amount to in terms of
+dinners, teas and other light refreshments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Enraged Tommy_ (_bespattered with mud by sniper's bullet
+aimed a bit too low_). "Put up yer sight, yer careless blighter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On a bookseller's stall in Liverpool:--
+
+    "_The English Nation_. A really cheap lot."
+
+We find them most expensive to keep up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress_. "Isn't it dreadful, Jane, about these
+Zeppelins? It wouldn't be so wicked if they only destroyed munition
+works."
+
+_Jane_. "Yes, Mum. But they 'adn't ought to do that neither. They knows
+puffickly well as we wants all the ammunitions as we can get."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
+
+Jimmy says his bloodhound is always very glad to get loose after being
+tied up all night, and it's because HARVEY discovered the circulation of
+the blood. Jimmy says Faithful doesn't know he has got the circulation
+of the blood, but he always has a little run round when he gets free. It
+only takes him about five minutes to do his round, and an hour and
+a-half afterwards you would never believe he had been round at all,
+things are so quiet again.
+
+Jimmy says the man next door told him he didn't mind so much about the
+circulation of the blood as the circulation of the bloodhound. Jimmy
+says it's because his chickens all begin shouting Hooray! as soon as
+Faithful starts, and they get up trees to watch him instead of being
+busy laying eggs at twopence each. Faithful doesn't want them to go up
+trees, Jimmy says, and tries to make them come down, but they won't--not
+on any account--and he has to leave them for other things that require
+his attention.
+
+Jimmy says there's a charwoman in one of the houses on Faithful's beat,
+and sometimes you can hear her trying to char him, and then lots of
+things come out through the front door, with Faithful in the middle of
+them. Sometimes you don't know which is Faithful and which is a
+scrubbing-brush, and it's because of the revolution. Jimmy says if
+Faithful notices that anything wants doing on his way round he always
+tries to do it, even though nobody knew that it wanted doing. Faithful
+got a sparrow out of a greenhouse like that, Jimmy says. It was a cheeky
+sparrow and kept flying about at Faithful and hiding behind the pots on
+the stage. Jimmy says bloodhounds don't stand any nonsense of that sort,
+and the sparrow ought to have known it. But it kept looking round
+flower-pots at Faithful and chirruping at him sideways, and didn't
+realise that its life hung by a thread.
+
+Jimmy says the best of well-trained bloodhounds is that they never get
+flurried; they go about their work systematically. The sparrow didn't
+seem to know that, Jimmy says, and when Faithful got on the stage and
+began clearing the decks for action it actually had the face to go and
+pick up a worm that came out of one of the pots that fell on the ground.
+Jimmy says whenever a pot rolled off the stage Faithful always looked
+over the edge to see if it had arrived safely. He is always careful like
+that.
+
+Jimmy says the sparrow only escaped by the skin of its teeth, because
+just as Faithful had got everything out of the way and was going to set
+to work in earnest, the sparrow flew out and went and sat up in a tree
+chirruping like anything. Faithful was absolutely disgusted with it,
+Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy took his bloodhound out to the Hill Farm one morning. The farmer
+was very glad to see Faithful again, Jimmy says; he told Jimmy that they
+were going to cut corn and there would be a main of rabbits in them for
+sure. Jimmy says bloodhounds have to turn their hands to anything these
+days, even catching rabbits. Faithful didn't seem to mind, Jimmy says,
+but it seemed very curious to hear the deep baying of a bloodhound in a
+peaceful cornfield. Jimmy says it made the men stop work and look at
+each other, and the man who was driving the reaping-machine got down to
+see where it wanted oiling. You see he hadn't heard a bloodhound before.
+
+There was another dog there, Jimmy says, in case the rabbits came out
+too quickly for Faithful to catch them all. The first rabbit that came
+out didn't have any chance, Jimmy says. It bolted out as hard as it
+could, and there was a splendid race between the rabbit and Faithful.
+You see the rabbit was making for a burrow in the hedge, but old
+Faithful got there first and tried to get his head down it, to cut off
+the rabbit's retreat. Jimmy says the rabbit was nonplussed, and the
+other dog caught it easily. It is beautiful to see two dogs work
+together like that, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says Faithful didn't require the help of the other dog with the
+next rabbit that came his way, but the other dog was very impulsive. You
+see Faithful was lying down with his mouth open trying to look like a
+rabbit hole, and he did it so well that the rabbit came straight at him.
+Jimmy says Faithful swerved about ten yards to one side in order to hurl
+himself bodily at the rabbit, and he would have done it if the other dog
+hadn't poked his nose in.
+
+Jimmy says the other dog killed the rabbit, but Faithful went up and
+smelt at it like anything. Faithful is a splendid smeller, Jimmy says.
+He can retrieve rabbits almost as well as he can catch them.
+
+The farmer was surprised to see how quickly Faithful got off the mark at
+the sound of the gun. You see the farmer was standing close by Faithful
+and he had no sooner shot at a rabbit than away went Faithful right
+across two fields, retrieving as hard as he could. Jimmy had to fetch
+him back from doing it.
+
+Jimmy says it was a new experience for the men to have a trained
+bloodhound in the harvest field, and they could talk of nothing else
+whilst they were having their dinners. You see two of the men had
+mislaid their dinners somehow, and every time they looked at Faithful
+they kept wondering. One man said his dinner was in a pudding-basin, and
+he looked everywhere. Faithful did his best to help him, Jimmy says, and
+kept just two yards ahead of him, twisting in and out.
+
+The man noticed something was the matter with Faithful and advised Jimmy
+to have his neck wrung: he offered to do it himself.
+
+Jimmy says the man seemed very suspicious because Faithful looked so
+T.B. (you know: Totally Bulged); but Jimmy took up Faithful and shook
+him for the man to hear, and there wasn't any sound of broken crockery
+at all.
+
+The other man who had lost his dinner didn't bother to look for it; he
+was busy cutting a stick out of the hedge, and when he had done it he
+borrowed a piece of bacon from another man to present to Faithful. Jimmy
+says you do it by saying, "Dear little doggie," in a husky voice. Jimmy
+says bloodhounds don't like husky voices, they get on their nerves. So
+Faithful refused the bacon as hard as he could.
+
+Jimmy says he knew Faithful would follow him, and sure enough, when he
+had got a mile on his way home, there was Faithful waiting for him,
+holding the pudding-basin in his mouth by the cloth.
+
+Jimmy says when he got home there was quite a crowd round the house
+where Faithful had removed the greenhouse from off the sparrow. A
+policeman told Jimmy all about it. It appeared, so the policeman said,
+that some person or persons unknown had got to know that the people in
+the house were harbouring a German governess and had smashed up the
+greenhouse in revenge. The greenhouse looked as if it had been struck by
+a bomb, the policeman said, and when the people saw it they knew their
+secret was out and went and confessed to the police. The policeman told
+Jimmy that they had just taken the German governess away to the
+police-station.
+
+Jimmy says that when he got home he sat down and looked at Faithful for
+half-an-hour--just looked at him. To think that Faithful had been on the
+Spy Trail all the time and Jimmy never knew it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Incisive Beginning.
+
+    "Mr. Gordon Hewart, opening the president of the London Chamber
+    of Commerce ..."
+
+    _The Star_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Hebdomadal Council of Oxford University have suspended for six
+months the filling of the Professorship of Modern Greek, the view
+apparently being that there is no one about just now who understands the
+modern Greek.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Youthful Patriot_. "Take away the night-light, Mary. I'd
+rather risk the dark than attract a Zeppelin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "_The Rivista Marittima_ publishes details of a new German
+    ironclad, which is claimed to be totally unsinkable.... It is
+    said to be a Dreadnought-cruiser, fitted with triple skins of
+    armour, stuffed with non-resisting material."--_Times._
+
+It sounds like one of our conscientious objectors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "The albatross--its docility was charming--soon occupied a
+    splendid isolation on the tarpaulined covered hatchway
+    platform.... I shall in future read Keats' 'Ancient Mariner'
+    with an accentuated interest."
+
+    _Natal Witness._
+
+COLERIDGE'S "Ode to a Nightingale" was rejected as dealing with the
+wrong bird.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young Lady-Attendant for Allies' Rifle Range, to replace one
+    getting married; the 3rd in 12 months doing the same; good
+    remuneration, and comfortable job."--_Glasgow Citizen._
+
+Bow and arrow or .303, Cupid's markmanship remains unerring.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Man who dined at Krupp's and worked with the Kaiser."
+
+    _Morning Paper Heading_.
+
+The _menu_ at KRUPP'S is not given, but was probably some form of pig.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "SCOTCH NURSES IN SERBIA.
+
+    GERMAN DOCTOR'S IMPRESSIONS.
+
+    'VERY FORBIDDING.'"
+
+    _Egyptian Gazette._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a notice of a recent novel:--
+
+    "The present reviewer's pen cleaves to the roof of his mouth
+    when he tries to describe it."--_Evening Standard._
+
+That should teach him to get rid of the nasty habit of sucking the nib.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MULE HUMOUR.]
+
+[Illustration: "He's kicked the Corporal!"]
+
+[Illustration: "He's kicked the Vet.!!"]
+
+[Illustration: "He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!"]
+
+[Illustration: "He's kicked the Colonel!!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
+
+I think I never read a story that impressed me as more untimely than
+this to which Mr. IVOR BROWN has given the title of _Security_ (SECKER).
+It is about an Oxford Don, one _John Grant_, who became, as others have
+become, irked by the placid routine of Senior Common-Room existence, and
+yearned for adventure. So he came to London, and got his first dose of
+it as a labour-agitator and backer of strikes. I suppose that the
+atmosphere of labour-agitating and strike-backing is skilfully conveyed
+(that of Oxford donship undoubtedly is), but I can't tell you how
+antique it all seems. These scornful quotations from an imaginary
+Capitalist press and the fierce denial that industrial strife was ever
+assisted by foreign agencies--it all sounds like a voice from ancient
+history. One rubs one's ears at it. Eventually militant Socialism
+wearies _John_ as much as academic torpor had done, and to escape from
+both he marries a wife. More atmosphere, this time of a dreary little
+seaside town and its so-called society. But _John_ fares no better here;
+and at last, on his return from a walking holiday, he finds that _Mrs.
+John_, unable to put up with him any longer, is putting up without him
+at a London hotel in company with Another. That seems a situation
+insecure enough to satisfy the most exacting. But even from this nothing
+results, and husband and wife drift together again. I like to think that
+nowadays, what with Zeps and other things, poor old _John_ may grow
+really contented. Meanwhile, clever as it is, the tale seems oddly
+anaemic and unreal. It is like those tragically trivial journals of 1914
+that still survive in the dusty waiting-rooms of dentists. I don't
+suggest that Mr. BROWN, whose previous book I much admired, should write
+about the War; but I could wish him a little more in tune with the
+spirit it has produced.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Faith Tresilion_ (WARD, LOCK) is a book of brave and of some diabolical
+deeds, but as Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS sees to it that his murderers and
+wreckers get their due he leaves me with the hopeful feeling that what
+happened to super-criminals a hundred years or so ago will also be their
+fate in this year of grace. _Faith_ is the type of heroine with whom
+readers of this amazingly industrious author are familiar--a fearless
+girl who does a man's work without for a moment becoming unsexed. She
+was in a difficult position enough, for her brother was a smuggler and
+she was in love, head to heels, with the local gangster. There are other
+complications, but this is the chief one, and it is worked out in Mr.
+_Phillpotts_' best West-country manner. I accept _Faith_ and salute her,
+but it is before her mother that I completely bow the knee. Mrs.
+_Tresilion_ was paralysed up to her waist, which was just as well, for
+if her activities had not been limited she would have swamped the whole
+book. As it was she lay in bed, drank gin, directed various operations
+with her eye fixed rather upon this world than the next, and told her
+visitors precisely what she thought of them. I am thankful not to have
+met this devastating lady in the flesh, because to be called "a
+hookery-snidy, trundle-trailed king-crab," and then told to kiss her,
+would have been more than I could bear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I feel that Miss CONSTANCE HOLME will be the first to agree with me on
+reflection that as a beginning of a chapter in _The Old Road from Spain_
+(MILLS) the following will not do: "The long bright day idled
+interminably to its tryst with night. Luis ate his lonely meals in the
+silent room," etc. It illustrates a defect of her rather over-intense
+method. She would readily forgive me this stricture if she could know
+the eagerness with which I read her picturesque pages to find out
+exactly what was the matter with the _Huddlestons_ of Thorn. From a
+Spanish ancestor, who had been wrecked with the Armada, they had
+inherited a CURSE. It was a very original curse, and I dare not deprive
+you of the pleasure of finding out what it was for yourself. Miss HOLME
+puts in her background of mystery with skilful touches and handles her
+characterisation with a good deal more subtlety than your mere
+mystery-monger can command. She observes both men and things with
+affection, writes of them with imagination. _Rowly Huddleston_, the
+committee-ridden squire of Thorn, looks like a careful portrait from
+life, and probably somebody also sat for that faithful soul, _Crane_,
+the butler. A book to be commended. Its defects are the defects of
+exuberance, the sort one only begins to notice after one has said,
+"Hello! this is pretty good!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Greater Glory_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is a collection of very short
+sketches concerned with the War. They are a little unequal, some being
+better than others, and others (naturally) being worse than some. They
+all reveal their author, Miss EVELYN ORCHARD, as possessed of a
+pleasantly unforced style, and perhaps rather more ease than
+imagination. One of them, my own favourite, the story of a parson who
+enlisted, is conspicuous as containing so admirable a recruiting speech
+that I can only hope it is transcribed from life. Having said so much,
+perhaps I may be forgiven by Miss ORCHARD if I add that I would rather
+have read her up upon some lighter theme. Her tuneful pipe contains some
+very pleasant notes, both of sentiment and humour, but is altogether too
+thin for variations upon so tremendous a motive as she has chosen. I
+express, of course, only my personal feeling; but I am certain that
+unless a book can rise to the magnitude of the War it had best leave it
+alone. Still it may well be that others will find interest, and even
+consolation, in these little papers. They have at least the charm of
+simplicity, and are obviously the products of a gentle and sympathetic
+nature. Thus, Miss ORCHARD can still see the pathos of the German
+private. Well, well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Look, dear--isn't that good? 'Will you march too, or
+wait till March the Second'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PIOUS HOPE.
+
+[Suggested by an interview between M. SAZONOFF and Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE in
+_The Daily Chronicle_.]
+
+  The Russian statesman, HAROLD BEGBIE thinks,
+  Is a good egg and not a subtle Sphinx;
+  Some day perhaps he will a better egg be
+  And tell us frankly what he thought of BEGBIE.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, MARCH 1, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22687.txt or 22687.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/8/22687
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/22687.zip b/22687.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4f2d672
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22687.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..96d5a63
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #22687 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/22687)