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diff --git a/22687-h/22687-h.htm b/22687-h/22687-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b48d690 --- /dev/null +++ b/22687-h/22687-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2684 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 1, 1916, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + hr.pg { width: 100%; + margin-top: 0em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + border: solid black; + height: 5px; } + pre {font-size: 85%; } + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +March 1, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 1, 1916</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p> +<p>Release Date: September 20, 2007 [eBook #22687]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, MARCH 1, 1916***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 150.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 1, 1916.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>The Volunteers have at last been +recognised. There has been nothing +like it since the great recognition-scene +in <i>Electra</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The case has been reported of a +Stepney child which has developed a +disease of the brain, as the result of an +air raid. Similar cases are said to +have been observed in the neighbourhood +of Fleet Street.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It now transpires that the +music of St. Paul's Cathedral +emanates from an organ of +German construction. There +seems to be some doubt as to +whether an explanation is due +from <i>The Westminster Gazette</i> +or <i>The Times</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The mysterious shortage of +butter in Germany, which +has resulted in measures being +drafted limiting the consumption +to 4 ozs. per week per +adult, is now explained. Count +<span class="sc">von Bernstorff</span> has used up +all the available supplies on +Congress.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The General Omnibus Company +has made the announcement +that it will not employ +any women drivers for its +omnibuses. The company's +officers fear that if women were +so employed there would be an +absence of that racy repartee +which alone prevents traffic +from reaching a condition of +indescribable congestion.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The demand for second-hand +pianos now for the first time +in the history of the trade far +exceeds the supply. It is not +only in Germany that War and +frightfulness go hand-in-hand.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The capture of Mush by the Russian +army of the Caucasus is an event the +importance of which has not been fully +recognized. It is undoubtedly the place +from which the Turkish official reports +of victory have been issued.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Marconi Company have announced +that "deferred plain language +telegrams" will again be received. +More truckling to the Tory Press!</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A traveller returning from East +Africa reports that, notwithstanding +the military operations that are taking +place in various parts of the country, +rhinoceroses appear to be increasing in +numbers. It is explained that the +falling-off in the European demand for +potted reed birds is responsible for the +phenomenon.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is announced that the Cabinet are +to take a portion of their salaries in +Exchequer Bonds. Not to be outdone +the members of the Reichstag are said +to have agreed to soil their fingers +with dirty British gold rather than +hinder the German Government's +operations for correcting the depreciation +of the mark.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The suggestion has been put forward +that, as a timely War economy, well-to-do +people should give up their hot-houses. +There seems to be a division +of opinion, however, as to whether the +hot-house plants should be given their +liberty, or (as economy would seem to +dictate) be killed for the table.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Australia has suspended the trade-marks +of 450 German articles. It would +be interesting to know if the most historic +German trade-mark, "<span class="sc">Made in +the United States</span>," is among these.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Mr. Julian Kimball (of Covent +Garden and the London Opera House)," +says the Musical critic of <i>The Daily +Mail</i>, "is a singer you can watch as +well as listen to." The desirability of +concealing the faces of some of our +principal singers in the past is undoubtedly +one of the reasons why +England has lagged behind in the +musical art.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A well-known candidate for the East +Herts Division is said to be +urgently in need of motor cars. +His opponents however point +out that the need to economise +in petrol was never more +urgent than at present.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Speaking on the question of +the shortage of freights Mr. +<span class="sc">Runciman</span> stated, a few days +ago, that he did not know that +ostrich feathers took up much +room. Has he never been to a +matinée?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In the same connection a +member of the Ladies' Kennel +Club writes: "I let them take +my husband for their horrid +old War without grumbling, +but when they tell me that +poor little Nanki-Poo can't +have his ostrich-feather pillow +to lie on I think it is too +much!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" src="images/145.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Midget</i> (<i>as he comes to</i>). "<span class="sc">I expect the War's +been a bit bad for your regular business, Mister?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Second</i>. "<span class="sc">Not it. The boot-makin' trade's as good as +ever.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Midget.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, you're a boot-maker, are you? Funny—I made +certain you was a cab-washer.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The profits of the Bradford +Dyers' Association exceed the most +sanguinary expectations."</p> + +<p class="i10"> <i>Morning Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The influence of the War, +again.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>S.P.C.A., please note.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Dogs are generally from 9 to +18 inches long and the teeth from +3 to 8 inches long; the service +pattern are from 12 to 15 inches +long with 6 inch teeth. For straight +dogs the ends of the teeth should be +slightly further apart than at their +root. Dogs when heated red-hot can be +twisted till their teeth make any required +angle with each other, generally a right +angle; they are then known as skew dogs."</p> + +<p class="i10"> <i>Military Engineering</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The offensive eggs were first placed in a +mangle, and the slow, crude, and obnoxious +process was gone through of crushing them. +The pugnacity of the smell arising from this +progress became appalling."—<i>Grocers' Journal</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Fit to knock one down, in fact.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Lady, 45, domesticated, Protestant, furniture, +wishes Correspondence with Respectable +Widower and Bachelor; view matrimony."—<i>Southport +Visitor</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>One of the two gentlemen will have to +be content with the furniture.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + +<h2>A CURE FOR DEPRESSION.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Moments there are of transient gloom</p> +<p class="i2">When life for me appears to lose</p> +<p>Its rosy aspect and assume</p> +<p class="i2">The turnip's pessimistic hues;</p> +<p>As when o' mornings, gazing out</p> +<p class="i2">Across my patch of fog-grey river,</p> +<p>I feel a twinge of poor man's gout</p> +<p class="i2">Or else a touch of liver;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Or when, forgetting <span class="sc">Watts's</span> rhymes</p> +<p class="i2">On puppy-dogs that bark and bite,</p> +<p><i>The Westminster</i> attacks <i>The Times</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">Starting a most unseemly fight;</p> +<p>Or when I find some Labour sheet</p> +<p class="i2">Still left at large to boom rebellion,</p> +<p>Or hear the thin pacific bleat</p> +<p class="i2">Of "my hon. friend" <span class="sc">Trevelyan</span>;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When enemy craft career above,</p> +<p class="i2">Unchallenged (till they've had their fling);</p> +<p>Or <span class="sc">Little Willie's</span> vernal shove</p> +<p class="i2">Anticipates the dawn of Spring;</p> +<p>When Neutrals want an open door</p> +<p class="i2">Kept wide for their commercial dealings,</p> +<p>And we must risk to lose the War</p> +<p class="i2">Rather than hurt their feelings.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Such moments, making Hope look bleak,</p> +<p class="i2">And Courage turn a little blue,</p> +<p>Even with hearts as tough as teak</p> +<p class="i2">May well occur; but, when they do,</p> +<p>This thought will readjust your bile</p> +<p class="i2">And prove the best of appetisers:—?</p> +<p><i>Would I exchange</i> (here's where you smile)</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Our chances with the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span>?</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<p>O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2> + +<h3>No. XXXV.</h3> + +<h3>(<i>From <span class="sc">Enver Pasha</span>.</i>)</h3> + +<p>Sire,—Surely the course of human affairs is often +strange and perplexing. When we formed the Committee +of Union and Progress and deposed the wretched <span class="sc">Abdul</span> +from the Sultanate no sane man can have thought that +you and I should ever be friends. <span class="sc">Abdul</span> was your friend; +you and yours had lavished upon him and his creatures all +your arts for the purpose of obtaining influence and promoting +the interest—forgive me for saying it—not so much +of Turkey as of the German Empire. When therefore we +emerged, and <span class="sc">Abdul</span> with his system retired, all your +beautiful schemes seemed to be shattered into pieces so +small that no human ingenuity could avail to pick them up +and fit them together again. Yet lo and behold, the +impossible has happened. <span class="sc">Abdul</span> remains in darkness, I +and my colleagues are in power, and you and I are even +more closely knit together than is altogether desirable for +me and those whom (indirectly, perhaps, but not the less +effectively) I help to govern. I am entitled therefore to +have a heart-to-heart talk with my bosom-friend, and, anyhow, +whether I am entitled or not, that is what I propose +to have. You may tell me in your genial way that I am +only an upstart, but I answer that I occupy my position +not because my father and my grandfather were big men, +but because I myself, through my own plans and by my +own strength, did certain things which in my judgment +had to be done.</p> + +<p>What I now feel, O my friend, is this: I am beginning +to doubt whether in all this tremendous confusion of fighting +I have made the right choice. It wasn't <i>necessary</i> for +us Turks to fight at all; it wasn't even desirable. We had +suffered a severe set-back in the first Balkan War, and in +the second we were only just able, owing to the consummate +folly of that silly knave, your friend, <span class="sc">Tsar Ferdinand</span>, +to snatch a brand or two from the burning. What we +wanted was rest, and had it not been for you we might +have had it—yes, and our wounds might have been healed +and our finances restored, while others endured privation +and loss.</p> + +<p>All that, as I say, we might have had; but from the +day when the <i>Goeben</i> arrived off Constantinople we were +doomed. That, indeed, was a master-stroke on your part, +but for us it has meant misery on an ever-increasing scale. +What were your promises? We were to have Egypt, but +you were to be there too, and you were to hold the Bagdad +railway and the regions through which it ran. We were to +help you in conquering India, but you were to keep it for +yourself when once it was conquered. We were to have a +free hand with the Armenians. Well, we have had it, and +the Armenians are fewer by half-a-million than they were. +Pleasant as it is to contemplate the destruction of those +restless and disloyal infidels, it cannot be said that we have +gained any advantage from it, for the Russians have taken +Erzerum and are sweeping through Armenia in a mighty +and irresistible torrent, while our Turkish armies are +scattered to the winds of heaven. Strong as you are and +prodigal of promises, here you have failed to make good +your pledges of help, and nowhere else do you seem able +to achieve anything, except the crushing of little nations.</p> + +<p>I look back with loathing upon the day when I was +mad enough to listen to you and to become a partner in +your schemes. You flattered us, nay, you even fawned +upon us in order to secure your ends, and, now that our +forces have been joined with yours, ruin menaces my +country and my race. You, forsooth, allow yourself to +be held up as a great prophet of Islam and a Heaven-sent +protector of its faith; but we who see our nation +crumbling into dust owing to your selfish ambition may +be pardoned if at last we look to ourselves and attempt +to save what still remains to us. To work, as they say, for +the King of <span class="sc">Prussia</span> has never been a profitable undertaking.</p> + +<p>Yours, <span class="sc">Enver.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Fireworks were thrown from the gallery and the audience rushed +on the platform, pelting the Pacifists with red ochre. The meeting +ended with the sinking of Rule Britannia."—<i>Egyptian Gazette.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The Pacifists appear to have had the last word, after all.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mill Manager Honoured.—Mr. —— has been elected a Fellow +of the Royal Society for the encouragement of fits."—<i>Times of India.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We do not recognise the Society, but imagine it may be +the Taylorian Institute.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"It will take about 12 days for goods traffic to become normal +again, although of course passenger traffic is not interfered with in +the slightest. In the meantime the booking of elephants and other +perishables has been stopped."—<i>Rangoon Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Unless, of course, they leave their trunks behind them.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>We observe that Mr. <span class="sc">Waters Butler</span> has been appointed +a member of the Liquor Control Board, with the hearty +approval of the Birmingham Beer, Spirit and Wine +Trade Association. If there is anything in a name no +one should be better able to hold the balance between +them and the teetotalers.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + +<h3>THE MILITARY REASON.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" src="images/147.png" alt=""/></a> + +<p>"FOR MILITARY REASONS OUR ARMY HAS WITHDRAWN FROM ERZERUM."</p> + +<p><i>Turkish official communiqué (nearly a week after the event)</i>.</p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%" src="images/148.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Coster</i> (<i>to parish visitor, who has been commiserating +with him on the loss of his father</i>). "<span class="sc">Yes, Mum, 'e were a +splendid father to us and no mistake. Yer see, Mum, there was eleven of +us, and I never knowed 'im raise 'is 'and to one of us—'cept as it +might be in self-defence.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE FRONT.</h2> + +<p>Some officers like putting up barbed +wire, not so much, I think, from any +real deep-seated affection for the stuff +itself, or from any confidence in the +protection it affords—its disintegration +being one of the assumed preliminaries +of an attack—as for the satisfaction of +writing in the Weekly Work Report, +"In front of X276 we put up 97 rolls +of barbed wire; in front of S279, 342 +rolls; in front of X276a, 3,692 rolls ..." +and so on.</p> + +<p>An officer who overdoes this sport of +kings gets a trench a bad name; it +becomes a trench with a great wiring +tradition to be maintained. One of us +took over a legacy from one of these +barbarians last trip. H.Q. had got +wind of his zeal and was determined +that we for our part should not be idle. +It was murmured in billets, it was +whispered upon the <i>pavé</i>, that for the +officer taking over B116 there was a +great wiring toward. The officer taking +over B116 hated wiring worse than +bully beef. He said you either die of +pneumonia through standing still pretending +to supervise, or tire yourself to +bits and earn the undying contempt of +your party by pretending to take an +active share in the game.</p> + +<p>Howbeit he took over B116 and was +told by the Next Man Up to wire to his +heart's content. He asked the Next +Man Up just where he wanted the +wiring to be performed. The Next Man +Up waved an airy arm in the direction +of the Hun, and observed, "Out there, +of course. Think we wanted you to wire +Hampstead Heath?" Then the B116 +officer took the N.M.U. to the parapet +and showed him waving acres of high +wire, low wire, loose wire, tight wire, +thick wire, thin wire, two ply, three +ply, and four ply, plain and barbed, +running out and out into the dusk.</p> + +<p>The N.M.U. gave it all a dispassionate +sort of look, and merely said, "Oh, +go out in front of all that. The Bosch +is miles off just here."</p> + +<p>Now B116 is a front line trench in a +re-entrant. The Hun trench facing it +is also in a re-entrant, the original front +lines on both sides having been crumpled +and flooded out of existence. So when +night fell the officer of B116 took his +party and set out, and he went on and +on, and then on, and there was still +wire. And he went on and on and on. +And there were bits of old trenches and +saps and listening posts, but still wire. +And he went on and on and there were +more bits of trench and more wire. +And he went on and on—and I know +this is true because he told me—and +on and on until (no, he did not come +back to our own trench, he had a +compass) an exceptionally good lot of +fireworks went up, and he was fired at +and bombed by Germans behind and +Germans in front and Germans on +either side, and, mind you, he was still +in the wire. So he waited until all the +Germans appeared to have killed each +other or gone to sleep, and brought his +party laboriously back to B116, from +which he sent to the Next Man Up a +message which ran: "If you want me +to wire Bosch third line, kindly arrange +for artillery preparation."</p> + +<p>It is some days now since they put +up any wire in front of B116.</p> + +<p>It is a fact well known to all our +most widely-circulated photographic +dailies that these German gunners +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> +waste a power of ammunition. The +only criticism I have to make is that I +wish they would waste it more carefully. +The way they go strewing the stuff +about round us is such that they're +bound to hit someone or something +before long. Still we have only two +more days in, and they seldom give us +more than ten thousand shells a day.</p> + +<p>We are in billets now, and frankly, +I am beginning to be very exercised +about my boots. When I say "my +boots" I mean rather the boots concerning +me than "the boots that are +mine." I wanted, some couple of +months ago, a new pair of boots. I +told the Quartermaster, and he looked +at my then boots superciliously and +said he could quite believe it.</p> + +<p>I rashly left it at that, imagining +something would happen. A man +like a quartermaster, who rolls in boots, +would, I felt, think nothing of sending +along a dozen pairs before breakfast, +with a chit telling me to give away +what I couldn't use. But no. It seems +every boot in his store was numbered.</p> + +<p>I approached him again, and demanded +boots, soberly, seriously and strenuously, +I even offered to pay for them. This +appeared to cheer him a little, and he +murmured something about Army +Form 247 x2b, not at present in stock, +but indispensable to the issue of the +most negligible boot on payment. My +further efforts were, owing to exigencies +of my military situation, conducted +through emissaries. My servant would +demand of his company agent nightly, +what about them boots? And the +company agent would reply—also +nightly—that, if the officer would send +his size down, the matter would be +put through at once. For five nights +running my size in boots went down +with the empty water tins. On the +last night I added a sketch of my +feet and of my present boots, with +scale of kilometres subjoined, a brief +history of footgear in Flanders from +pre-Cæsarian times to the present day, +one piece of broken lace from the old +boots, and anything else that struck +me as likely to put the matter a little +further through.</p> + +<p>The lace appeared to put quite a new +idea into their heads. The advance +booting agent now seemed to think +that if I had some boots already I +might get the new pair by a process +known as exchange, which takes less +time and has the additional advantage +of not costing anything. This struck +them as an excellent new game for +several days while they were deciding +which was the right army form for an +officer desirous of exchanging boots. +At last all appeared fixed up. I came +back into billets with every confidence +of finding a couple of boots waiting for +me on the mat. Of course I didn't +really <i>believe</i> they would be there; I +only had every confidence. Anyhow +they were not.</p> + +<p>This morning the Quartermaster +called in person. He wanted to know +what size I took in boots.</p> + +<p>I expect now that the matter will be +put through almost at once.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>OUR BOYS.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/149.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149.png" alt=""/></a> + +<p><i>Outraged Elder Brother</i> (<i>who has been asked for a light</i>). +"<span class="sc">You're a nice example for young 'Erb. 'Ow dare you 'ave +Cigarettes</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Brother Bill.</i> "<span class="sc">They ain't mine—they're 'Erb's</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>An Impending Apology.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Chaplain would appreciate portable Gramophone +for clearing station."—<i>The Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + +<h2>HARD CASES.</h2> + +<p>Among other applications which were +recently heard for exemption from the +new Compulsory Service Act for unmarried +men we extract the following:—</p> + +<p>Mr. Isaac Goldstein claimed exemption +for his clerk, a stalwart youth of +twenty-two, on the ground that he was +indispensable to him in his business.</p> + +<p>Asked what his business was the +applicant said he was a bookmaker.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> I thought there was +no racing now.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> Oh, yes. Steeple-chasing +every week.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Do people still go to +races and bet?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> Of course they do. +Why not?</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> I fancied they might +have found other things to do. Also I +fancied that money might be short.</p> + +<p>The applicant said that there was +plenty of money about if you knew +where to look for it.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> And who ride the +horses?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> The jockeys, of course.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> They prefer that to +doing anything more serious for their +country?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> They are doing something +very serious for their country. +They're preserving the breed of horses. +Where would old England's horseflesh +be without races and steeplechases?</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> You say this young +man is indispensable to you. How?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> He is my clerk. He +writes down the bets. I haven't got +time to write down bets myself; I'm +too busy taking them. He's one of the +quickest clerks in England. I should +go broke if I hadn't got him.</p> + +<p>Application refused.</p> + +<p>Mr. Joe Tummilee applied for the +exemption of a comedian playing in his +revue, "Never mind the War." This +young man, he said, who was twenty-nine, +was the life and soul of the piece, +and if he joined the Army the applicant +would be put both to inconvenience +and loss.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Are there not older +or married actors that you could employ +for this great work?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Tummilee.</i> They're not so good. +The comedian in question was a very +agile dancer and was also good-looking. +Other men might not attract the +public.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Is the attraction of +the public essential?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Tummilee (surprised).</i> Naturally. +How should we managers live otherwise? +Besides, when a great war is +going on it's a national duty to try +and make people forget. My theatre, +you perhaps are not aware, is a favourite +resort for wounded soldiers, who are +never so happy as when they are there.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Surely all that +happiness will not disappear because +this one performer is missing?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Tummilee.</i> Most of it. He's the +great draw.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Has it not occurred +to you that the country ought to come +first?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Tummilee.</i> I consider I'm doing +a great deal for the country, and he too, +by making it laugh.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> You must find an +older funny man or soon we may all +be weeping.</p> + +<p>Application refused.</p> + +<p>Mr. Samuel Bland claimed exemption +on the ground that he disapproved of +war and physical force.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> What would you do +if you caught a burglar in your house?</p> + +<p><i>Applicant.</i> I should lock him in and +call for the police.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Then you don't mind +relying on the physical force of others +for your own protection?</p> + +<p><i>Applicant.</i> That is part of the machinery +of civilisation.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> So, I fear, is an army. +Do you pay your taxes?</p> + +<p><i>Applicant.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Why?</p> + +<p><i>The Applicant.</i> Because there is +Scriptural warrant for it.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> But you know that +a large part of them goes to maintain +our fighting men. Without money we +should have to give in.</p> + +<p><i>Applicant.</i> I obey the law. I don't +necessarily know where the money is +going.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Your position is very +illogical. Either you should take your +part in defending your country or obey +your conscience and either go to prison +for refusing to pay taxes for the carrying-on +of the War, or emigrate to some +place more like Utopia than this is. As +it is you take advantage of other men's +readiness to fight and even to die for +you, and actually pay them to do so, but +raise conscientious objections to doing +either for yourself. A conscience that is +so adaptable is not worth considering.</p> + +<p>Application refused.</p> + +<p>Harry Cadgsmith, who said he was +a picture-palace proprietor, applied for +exemption for the commissionaire who +stood outside the building and invited +people in.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> How old is he?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> Thirty-four.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Is he strong?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> Very. He is also +highly trained; he wears uniform and +calls out the attractions. The cinema +is one of the principal alleviations of +modern life and but for this man's +powerful voice many people might pass +by and never enter.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> What kind of pictures +do you show?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> The best.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Are they English?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> Some are. But the +public prefer American ones. I always +pride myself on giving the public what +it has the sense to want.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Might it not be +better employed elsewhere? Making +munitions, for example?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> That is nothing to +do with me. My business is to supply +a demand.</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> What is your chief +film this week?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> It is a very fine +story entitled "The Prince of Crooks."</p> + +<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Could not a woman +take this man's place?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Cadgsmith.</i> Not to do it justice.</p> + +<p>Application refused.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SUAVE MARI MAGNO.</h2> + +<h3>(New Style).</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>'Tis sweet, so sage <span class="sc">Lucretius</span> wrote of yore,</p> +<p>To watch a storm-tossed vessel from the shore,</p> +<p>Or safely placed, when hosts in conflict close,</p> +<p>To view the battle as it ebbs and flows;</p> +<p>But he, poor ancient, never knew the rare</p> +<p>Delight afforded by an easy-chair,</p> +<p>Wherein the slippered critic, at his ease,</p> +<p>His ample writing-pad upon his knees,</p> +<p>Primed with historic and romantic lore,</p> +<p>Indites his weekly comment on the War;</p> +<p>Revises or expands official news</p> +<p>With graphic touches and resplendent hues;</p> +<p>Teaches the doubtful battle where to rage</p> +<p>And sprinkles diagrams on ev'ry page;</p> +<p>Creates new posts or, at his own sweet will,</p> +<p>Proceeds expected vacancies to fill;</p> +<p>Deposes Kings, Prime Ministers, Grand Dukes,</p> +<p>And rival pundits suitably rebukes.</p> +<p>A hundred thousand readers every week</p> +<p>For solace in his commentaries seek,</p> +<p>Swear by his arguments, and swear at those</p> +<p>Which rival quidnuncs artfully oppose.</p> +<p>Matched with an occupation such as this</p> +<p>Philosophy is destitute of bliss;</p> +<p>He only breathes content's untroubled air</p> +<p>Who wages warfare from a snug armchair.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>R.N. Cadet</i> (<i>during his first term at +Osborne—where he has been told always to salute his superior officers +of both services—meeting some "temporary" subalterns who disregard his +salute</i>). "<span class="sc">Really, mother, if these temporary subs of the junior +service cannot behave as gentlemen and return my salute, I shall +certainly give up taking any notice of them</span>." </p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>GOOD OPENINGS FOR M.P.'s.</h2> + +<p><i>The Manchester Guardian</i> complains +that there is a remarkable monotony +about the opening of speeches in the +House of Commons.</p> + +<p>"On Wednesday forty-five speeches +(not counting brief efforts in the way +of interjections) were delivered, and in +thirty cases the speeches began with +the first person singular. Only fifteen +members could think of anything more +original." It appears that four speeches +began with "I beg," four with "I +should like," three with "I wish," and +three with "I am sure."</p> + +<p>It may be a little daring, perhaps, to +suggest that some originality should +be introduced into the methods of Parliamentary +orators (writes a correspondent); +but as one whose courage +has never failed him in telling other +people how to go about their business +I venture to suggest a few openings +which possibly have never yet been +utilised.</p> + +<p>As it is half the battle, to the speaker, +to grip interest at the very outset, the +following might be tried: "Drip, drip, +drip—the blood fell from the ceiling." +This would cause departing Members +to drop sharply back into their seats. +Only a little ingenuity would be required +to make these words the opening +of a speech on any timely topic. +Our aristocratic legislators could make +certain of arresting attention by beginning, +"In the words of a friend of mine, +a well-known Peckham butcher"—another +gambit that could be made to +suit any subject, from the shipping +problem to the Zeppelin nuisance.</p> + +<p>Or again, "The missis woke me up +in the middle of last Tuesday night, +and said"—This is the kind of +homely touch that would ensure a +sympathetic hearing.</p> + +<p>Members might also make a good +start with "'Twas" and "Methinks," +even at the risk of being accused of the +use of unparliamentary expressions.</p> + +<p>If they would only study the poets +I they would find plenty of bright and +original openings. What better could +be desired than <span class="sc">Browning's</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"So, at home, the sick tall yellow Duchess</p> +<p>Was left with the infant in her clutches,"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>if occasion should arise in the House +for criticism of the heartless action of a +Local Tribunal in disallowing a Duke's +claim for exemption?</p> + +<p>Many a man possesses an undiscovered +knack of extempore rhyming, +a gift which has seldom or never been +exercised in the House of Commons. +That will be a bright day for legislators +when a Member rises in his place and +begins something like this: "Sir, if +the House will bear with me one +moment, I should like to say that I, +for one, cannot agree that we have +found the perfect way of dealing with +a gross neglect to which all honest +men object." Any Member who could +keep up that sort of thing for half-an-hour +(and some, no doubt, could, if they +would only practise) would achieve +lasting fame, not only for his originality, +but because of the remarkable scenes +amid which his concluding lines would +almost certainly be uttered.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Germans planned to expel the British +from South Africa, aided by disinfected Boers."</p> + +<p class="i6"><i>Englishman (Calcutta)</i>, +</p></blockquote> + +<p>But, in the end, it was General <span class="sc">Botha</span> +who cleared out the Germs.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page152" id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/152.png"><img width="100%" src="images/152.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>after Sunday tea, on departure of +officers quartered in the neighbourhood</i>). "<span class="sc">I'm glad Captain +Devereux didn't come, as I'm not looking my oldest to-day</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MY DUG-OUT.</h2> + +<h3>(A Memory of Gallipoli)</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>It was my home, not ringed with roses blowing,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor set in meadows where cool waters croon;</p> +<p>Parched wastes were round it, and no shade was going,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor breath of violets nor song-birds' tune;</p> +<p>Only at times from the adjacent dwelling</p> +<p>Came down with Boreas the quaint, compelling</p> +<p class="i6">Scent of the Tenth Platoon.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And there not hermit-like alone I brooded,</p> +<p class="i2">But ant and lizard and all things that crawl</p> +<p>With great grasshoppers by brigades intruded;</p> +<p class="i2">Therein the tortoise had his homely stall;</p> +<p>Green flies and blue slept nightly in their notches,</p> +<p>Save when a serpent, in the middle watches,</p> +<p class="i6">Came and disturbed us all.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>There, where the sun, the senseless sun, kept pouring,</p> +<p class="i2">And dust-clouds smothered one about the chest,</p> +<p>While secret waters filtered through the flooring</p> +<p class="i2">(In case the heat should leave one <i>too</i> oppressed),</p> +<p>Always I lay in those sad fevered seasons</p> +<p>Which Red-Hat humourists, for mystic reasons,</p> +<p class="i6">Regarded as our "rest."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For it was home; and when I was not in it,</p> +<p class="i2">But in the trenches, it was home indeed;</p> +<p>When mad foes fired at twenty rounds a minute</p> +<p class="i2">(Not, I may say, the regulation speed),</p> +<p>For me far more it harboured my Penates;</p> +<p>I missed my animals; I missed my gay teas</p> +<p class="i6">With Alf, the centipede.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And I am shocked to think that that same ceiling</p> +<p class="i2">Shields now some Mussulman of lowly strain;</p> +<p>Yet, though he knows me not, I can't help feeling</p> +<p class="i2">That something of my spirit must remain,</p> +<p>And if, in that rich air the man should mellow</p> +<p>In mind, in soul, and be a better fellow,</p> +<p class="i6">I have not lived in vain.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And it may be, when worlds have ceased to wrestle,</p> +<p class="i2">I shall go back across the Midland foam</p> +<p>At special rates in some large tourist vessel</p> +<p class="i2">To my late hollow in the Sultan's loam,</p> +<p>And there clasp hands with that uplifted warrior,</p> +<p>Compare brief notes and wonder which was sorrier</p> +<p class="i6">To have to call it home.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>How to treat a Wife.</h3> + +<p>Extract from lecture by N.C.O.:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Your rifle is your best friend, take every care of it; treat it as +you would your wife, rub it all over with an oily rag every day." +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The court was crowded by Gaelic Leaguers and the proceedings +were marked by some disorderly scenes, until the magistrates ordered +their continuance."—<i>Dublin Evening Mail.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Then, of course, being in Ireland, they ceased.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>A Provincial Paper, reporting a speech upon heroes of +the present War, represents the speaker as referring to +"Bill Adams in Leigh Hunt's poem." This is the first time +within our knowledge that our old friend <i>Abou Ben Adhem</i> +has been confounded with that other popular figure, the +fictitious hero of Waterloo!</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + +<h3>THE NEW FRIGHTFULNESS.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%" src="images/153.png" alt=""/></a> + +<p><i>Admiral von Tirpitz</i>. "PIRACY IS DEAD. STILL, I LIKE TO THINK +THAT, UNDER ANOTHER NAME, THE GOOD WORK GOES ON."</p> + +<p>[Berlin contends that, piracy being extinct, the arming of liners and +merchant vessels is no longer legitimate, and that German submarines are +therefore entitled to sink them at sight. The New Frightfulness is due +to begin to-day.]</p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> + +<h2>A STRONG SOUTH-EASTER.</h2> + +<p>I have been having further trouble +with my neighbour, Petherton, whose +place adjoins mine, being divided from +it by a hedge. Beyond the hedge lies +Petherton's small paddock, where his +poultry amuse themselves, and, beyond +that, Petherton's house and garden.</p> + +<p>But, however good a fence may be, it +will not keep out, or keep in, smells. +Therefore when Petherton engaged in +apparently chemical operations giving +off the most noxious gases I was +rapidly forced to the conclusion that +he ought to have a different kind of +boundary between his property and +mine, and also that the air of our +neighbourhood no longer rivalled that +of Bexhill, especially when the wind +blew from the south-east.</p> + +<p>Wishing to remedy this state of +affairs without recourse to unpleasant +measures, I sat down to write to +Petherton.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Dear Petherton</span>,—These continual +south-easterly winds portend rain, I +fear, and so I hope you have wrapped +your parsnips up to protect them from +the probable excess of moisture which +is so injurious to all such plants.</p> + +<p>My primary object in writing is not +so much anxiety about the health of +your vegetables, but to ask whether +you have noticed a most unpleasant +odour which seems to be heading north-west; +at any rate it is more unpleasant +if possible when the wind is from the +south-east than at any other time.</p> + +<p>It does not appear likely that the +smell should have come from the +German lines, so we must look nearer +home for the cause of the trouble. +Don't you think we ought to take joint +action to get the nuisance ended?</p> + +<p>Yours, <span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce.</span> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Petherton's reply was a bulky packet +which, being opened, revealed a tin of +dog soap. I could only infer that he +wished to saddle Togo, our prize-bred +Airedale, with the blame. Coward!</p> + +<p>However, true to my determination +to be friendly if possible, I wrote:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Dear Fred</span>,—Thanks for the Camembert. +Thomas our cat has not quite +completed the Moonlight Sonata which +he has spent several nights in composing, +but as soon as it is published I +will send you a copy of it in return.</p> + +<p>My nephew, over from France on +short leave, came to see us yesterday +but left hurriedly. He said that the +air was too reminiscent of a place +where he was severely gassed. <i>Don't +you notice anything?</i></p> + +<p>Yours as ever, <span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce</span>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Within an hour of the delivery of +this letter another parcel arrived from +Petherton. It contained three ordinary +clothes-pegs and a brief note, which +ran:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Sir</span>,—I thought even you would be +able to take the hint contained in my +previous parcel. As however it was +evidently lost on you, I am writing to +suggest to you more plainly that you +should wash your dog. I noticed its +deplorable condition when I passed it +in the road the other morning, and am +surprised that the simple explanation +of the trouble has not occurred to you +before.</p> + +<p>Should the course I recommend have +no good effect, I can only suggest your +shooting, selling or otherwise disposing +of the malodorous pest, or else wearing +one of the protectors of which I enclose +three. They are somewhat archaic in +design, but should just suit you and +your household.</p> + +<p>Yours faithfully,</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Frederick Petherton.</span> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>I replied:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Good old Freddie</span>,—What a genius +you are! Of course the dog is the +culprit. I was offered fifteen pounds +for him the other day and refused it. +No doubt I should have received a +better offer but for the defect, which +you so readily noticed, in the animal's +condition. I have just had him shampooed +and when he is dry I will examine +him and report to you at once.</p> + +<p>Many thanks for the charming nose-protectors, +which however I return, as +they are all too large. I wonder if you +would mind changing them for sevens; +these appear to be eight-and-a-halfs.</p> + +<p>I am glad the wind has veered to +the north-east. Your parsnips will no +doubt share my joy. By the way was +it you I saw yesterday in your paddock +holding your nose just before the wind +shifted round? The man, whoever it +was, was looking at your poultry, +which appear to be drooping.</p> + +<p>Yours till the wind changes,</p> + +<p><span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce</span>.</p> + +<p>P.S.—If I can get a good stamp-album +in town to-day I will send it to +you. A change of hobby is often very +beneficial. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>I followed this up with another +letter in the afternoon, couched in +more formal terms:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Sir</span>,—In fulfilment of the promise +contained in my previous letter of to-day's +date I have the honour to inform +you that my dog Togo is not the cause +of the trouble. As soon as he was dry +I fastened him up in the middle of my +drawing-room, and my household, myself +included, sniffed at him from all +points of the compass. Then, leaving +him still chained up, we went into the +garden and nearly fainted from the +pestilential odours borne on the breeze, +which was again south-east.</p> + +<p>If you have not suffered it seems +clear to me that either (<i>a</i>) you have a +curious taste in scents, or (<i>b</i>) you have +no sense of smell. I think you should +call in an expert, in the case of (<i>a</i>) a +brain specialist, or in the case of (<i>b</i>) a +nose-plumber. In the meantime I +intend to consult another sort of expert, +the Sanitary Inspector.</p> + +<p>Yours obediently, except in such a +matter as this, <span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce</span>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>I wrote to the Inspector that night +and received the following within +twenty-four hours:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—Yours of yesterday's date +to hand, and in reply I regret that I am +unable to assist you in the matter as +your neighbour, Mr. Petherton, is engaged +on important experimental work +for the Government in connection with +the manufacture of asphyxiating gases, +thus causing the unpleasant odours +about which I have received several +complaints recently. I have been in +communication with Mr. Petherton on +the matter, but he seems unable to +abate the nuisance. I am surprised +that he has not explained the position +to you himself.</p> + +<p>I remain, Yours obediently,</p> + +<p><span class="sc">M. Tarbutt.</span></p> + +<p><i>pp</i>. A. C. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>On receiving the above I wrote to +Petherton:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Dear Fred</span>,—Only a few words to +say that I have just heard the great +news. Heartiest congratters. As a +strafe-scent-manufacturer you are IT. +<i>À bas les Boches!</i></p> + +<p>But why so close about it all this +time? If you had only let me know +about it sooner I would have dug a +trench in my garden and slept in it, instead +of complaining. Henceforth I +shall turn my nose (well respirated) to +the south-east every morning as an act +of homage.</p> + +<p>Give it 'em hot, old man; don't mind +us; we love it now. When you get +stuck for any fresh ingredients refer to +<i>Macbeth</i>, Act 4, Scene I, though I +should be inclined to think you have +done this already.</p> + +<p>Yours gratefully, <span class="sc">H. J. Fordyce</span>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>So far I have received no reply from +Petherton. In the circumstances I excuse +his apparent hauteur.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>"Ships that pass in the Night."</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"A large number of our kinsmen from over +the seas were unmarried, and he would like to +see for every shipload of them that came over +a shipload of women from this country sent +out to be mated to them."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It looks as if it might be stalemate.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p><i>Monday, February 21st.</i>—Although +<i>de minimis non curat lex</i>, our law-makers +delight in very small jokes. +When Mr. <span class="sc">Cecil Beck</span>, as Vice-Chamberlain +of the Household, delivered <span class="sc">His +Majesty</span>'s reply to the Address the +House of Commons was chiefly interested +in watching how he would accomplish +the feat of walking backwards +from the Table to the Bar. More than +once in past history the task has proved +too much for the man who essayed it, +and the orderly retreat has degenerated +into a shambling rout. But there was +no such hitch to-day. Progressive +politician though he is, Mr. <span class="sc">Beck</span> retraced +his steps with graceful ease, +and fully deserved the applause that +rewarded his effort.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/155a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/155a.png" alt=""/></a><p>FINANCIAL OPTIMISM.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. Micawber Asquith.</span></p></div> + +<p>Irreverent opponents of the <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span> have sometimes compared +him to <i>Micawber</i>, on the ground that +he was always waiting for something +to turn up. I found another link to-day +between these celebrated characters. +As Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> unfolded the details of +the two new Votes of Credit, one of +120 millions to clear up the present +financial year, the other of 300 millions +to start the new one, he reminded me +of <i>Micawber</i> calculating his indebtedness +to <i>Traddles</i>. While professing a +proper alarm at the colossal amount of +the expenditure—nearly two thousand +millions already, or twice the cost of +the twenty-two years' war against +<span class="sc">Napoleon</span>—he rolled these gigantic +figures off his tongue as if he loved +them. You will remember <i>Copperfield's</i> +remark when the famous I.O.U. had +been handed over: "I am persuaded +not only that this was quite the same +to Mr. Micawber as paying the money, +but that Traddles himself hardly knew +the difference until he had had +to think about it." The +<span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> financial +optimism left the House +under much the same impression, +and Mr. <span class="sc">McKenna</span> +rather deepened it by the +declaration that with prudence +and statesmanship +our credit would survive the +War however long it might +last.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday, February 22nd.</i>—For +nearly ten years, without +a break, Mr. <span class="sc">George +Lambert</span>, Yeoman, as the +reference-books describe +him, sat on the Treasury +Bench as Civil Lord of the +Admiralty. Then the Coalition +came along and his +place knew him no more. +For eight long months he +has yearned to let the new Administration +know what he thought of them, +and to-day he seized the opportunity +furnished by the Vote on Account.</p> + +<p>Beginning with a moving tale of +how the War Office took several weeks +and a traction engine to move a load +of hay two miles from a rick to a +railway station in his native Devon, +the Yeoman proceeded with other +counts of his indictment. The <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span> mentioned yesterday a new +plan by which an outside Committee, +composed of business men and headed +by a Cabinet Minister, was checking +the expenditure of the Service Departments. +(The cost of shells, we were +told to-day by Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span>, has been +brought down to a figure which means +an economy of £400,000 a week on our +future production.)</p> + +<p>But Mr. <span class="sc">Lambert</span> would have none +of it. Speaking with all the authority +of his long official experience he laid +down the dictum that one Cabinet +Minister could not supervise another. +Next he attacked the new Order in +Council, which makes the Chief of the +Staff responsible for the orders given to +the Army, declaring that it reduced +Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener</span> to the level of a +civilian; and finally he denounced the +Government for not making more use +of Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span>. Under the stress of +these terrific blows the Government +ought to have reeled, if it did not fall. +But nothing happened, except that the +Votes on Account for four hundred and +twenty millions were by half-past seven +duly passed.</p> + +<p>In the Lords meanwhile the Government +was sustaining a heavier attack, +arising out of their failure to stop all +supplies from reaching Germany. Lord +<span class="sc">Sydenham</span> attributed it to the Declaration +of London, which had crippled the +Navy; Lord <span class="sc">Beresford</span> thought it +was the result of trying to run a war +with a Cabinet that included twenty-one +amateurs. Lord <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>, a +master of the quip modest, thereupon +stated the Government's intention to +add a twenty-second to the twenty-one +by appointing a Minister of Blockade.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, February 23rd.</i>—At +Question-time, Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> announced +that the new Minister was Lord <span class="sc">Robert +Cecil</span>. It is close upon fifty years since +another Lord <span class="sc">Robert Cecil</span> (who had +just become Lord <span class="sc">Cranborne</span>) entered +the Cabinet of Lord <span class="sc">Derby</span>.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/155b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/155b.png" alt=""/></a><p>NEW DEPARTURES BY SEA AND AIR.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Lord Robert Cecil and Lord Derby.</span></p></div> + +<p>In consequence of the recent decision +that no Member shall in future receive +two salaries it had been rumoured +that Parliamentary salaries would be +abolished altogether. There were signs +of heartfelt relief from +various quarters of the +House when the <span class="sc">Premier</span> +met the suggestion with an +uncompromising "No."</p> + +<p>Captain J. S. <span class="sc">Rankine</span>, +the khaki-clad giant who +took his seat for East Toxteth +to-day, had a warm +reception, all the more +grateful in view of the blizzard +that raged without. +The temperature of the +House fell rapidly, however, +when Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span> proceeded +to outline his views +on the subject of peace. In +vain he attempted to show +that there was a considerable +party in Germany +ready to come to terms if +only they knew what our +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> +terms were. Members listened in chilly +silence. They thawed into laughter +when the Hon. Member with some +lack of humour quoted the German +<span class="sc">Chancellor's</span> declaration, "We do not +threaten small nations;" and they +cheered when he quoted, with intent +to condemn, Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery's</span> statement +that Germany must be utterly +crushed. Nor was the House more +impressed by Mr. <span class="sc">Trevelyan's</span> proposal +that as there might be a peace-party +in Germany it was our duty to +"state our full terms and find out."</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> reply was, +I fear, very painful to the pacificists. +The German <span class="sc">Chancellor's</span> statement +he found to be one of "colossal and +shameless audacity." German Socialists +might prate of peace, but only +twenty out of five times that number in +the Reichstag had the courage to vote +against the War Credit. Our terms +were already on record in the speech +which he made at the <span class="sc">Lord Mayor's</span> +Banquet in 1914. Until Belgium—"and +I will add Serbia"—has been +fully reinstated, until France is secured +against aggression, until the smaller +nationalities are safeguarded, until +the military domination of Prussia is +destroyed, "not until then shall we or +any of our gallant Allies abate by one +jot our prosecution of this War." The +cheers that greeted this declaration +lasted almost as long as the speech +itself. In the ensuing debate Mr. +<span class="sc">Ponsonby</span>, Sir W. <span class="sc">Byles</span>, and one or +two others emitted what Mr. <span class="sc">Stanton</span> +picturesquely described as "the croakings +and bleatings of the fatted lambs +who had besmirched their own country." +But they created no effect. Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span>'s +early peace had been nipped by +the frost.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, February 24th.</i>—In both +Houses the administration of the Military +Service Act was again the subject +of criticism. From the explanations +given by Lord <span class="sc">Newton</span> and Mr. +<span class="sc">Tennant</span> it appears that most of the +complaints against the recruiting officers +for over-pressure have come from +men who were applying for armlets, +not for exemption. As Lord <span class="sc">Newton</span> +put it, a man, if he wants to obtain +an armlet, must run the risk of being +taken for some kind of service. Mr. +<span class="sc">Tennant</span> reminded some of his critics, +not superfluously, that the object of +this Act was to get men to serve.</p> + +<p>Lord <span class="sc">Derby</span>, fresh from his triumph +as Director of Recruiting, is to act as +Chairman of the new Joint Committee +which will supervise and co-ordinate +naval and military aviation. For him, +as for that other <i>Ariel</i>, "there's more +work." The same is now true of Colonel +<span class="sc">Lockwood</span> who, since the opening of +the Session, has been in a condition +of suspended animation. The Kitchen +Committee, in the opinion of many +Members the most important of all the +Committees, had not been set up, and +consequently could not elect a Chairman. +How Members have lived +through more than a week without +any visible means of securing subsistence +it is not for me to reveal. Suffice +it to say that no case of absolute +starvation has come to my notice. To-day +all is well. The Kitchen Committee +is again in being, and "Uncle +Mark" has once more been appointed +Minister of the Interior (unpaid, except +by the gratitude and affection of his +fellow-Members). Fresh responsibilities +have now been thrust upon him. +This afternoon it fell to him, as temporary +Leader of the Opposition, to ask +the customary question as to next +week's business. Having heard the +<span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> reply, he sat for a +few moments as if lost in thought, calculating, +no doubt, by a rapid process +of mental arithmetic what the Consolidated +Fund Bill, Supplementary Estimates +and the Civil Service Vote would +amount to in terms of dinners, teas +and other light refreshments.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/156.png"><img width="100%" src="images/156.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Enraged Tommy</i> (<i>bespattered with mud by sniper's +bullet aimed a bit too low</i>). "<span class="sc">Put up yer sight, yer careless +blighter</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>On a bookseller's stall in Liverpool:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"<i>The English Nation</i>. A really cheap lot." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We find them most expensive to keep up.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span> + +<h2>ON THE SPY-TRAIL.</h2> + +<p>Jimmy says his bloodhound is always +very glad to get loose after being tied +up all night, and it's because <span class="sc">Harvey</span> +discovered the circulation of the blood. +Jimmy says Faithful doesn't know he +has got the circulation of the blood, +but he always has a little run round +when he gets free. It only takes him +about five minutes to do his round, +and an hour and a-half afterwards you +would never believe he had been round +at all, things are so quiet again.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says the man next door told +him he didn't mind so much about +the circulation of the blood as the +circulation of the bloodhound. Jimmy +says it's because his chickens all begin +shouting Hooray! as soon as Faithful +starts, and they get up trees to watch +him instead of being busy laying eggs +at twopence each. Faithful doesn't +want them to go up trees, Jimmy says, +and tries to make them come down, +but they won't—not on any account—and +he has to leave them for other +things that require his attention.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says there's a charwoman in +one of the houses on Faithful's beat, +and sometimes you can hear her trying +to char him, and then lots of things +come out through the front door, with +Faithful in the middle of them. Sometimes +you don't know which is Faithful +and which is a scrubbing-brush, and +it's because of the revolution. Jimmy +says if Faithful notices that anything +wants doing on his way round he +always tries to do it, even though +nobody knew that it wanted doing. +Faithful got a sparrow out of a greenhouse +like that, Jimmy says. It was a +cheeky sparrow and kept flying about +at Faithful and hiding behind the pots +on the stage. Jimmy says bloodhounds +don't stand any nonsense of that sort, +and the sparrow ought to have known +it. But it kept looking round flower-pots +at Faithful and chirruping at +him sideways, and didn't realise that +its life hung by a thread.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says the best of well-trained +bloodhounds is that they never get flurried; +they go about their work systematically. +The sparrow didn't seem to +know that, Jimmy says, and when +Faithful got on the stage and began +clearing the decks for action it actually +had the face to go and pick up a worm +that came out of one of the pots that +fell on the ground. Jimmy says whenever +a pot rolled off the stage Faithful +always looked over the edge to see if it +had arrived safely. He is always careful +like that.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says the sparrow only escaped +by the skin of its teeth, because just as +Faithful had got everything out of the +way and was going to set to work in +earnest, the sparrow flew out and went +and sat up in a tree chirruping like +anything. Faithful was absolutely disgusted +with it, Jimmy says.</p> + +<p>Jimmy took his bloodhound out to +the Hill Farm one morning. The +farmer was very glad to see Faithful +again, Jimmy says; he told Jimmy that +they were going to cut corn and there +would be a main of rabbits in them for +sure. Jimmy says bloodhounds have +to turn their hands to anything these +days, even catching rabbits. Faithful +didn't seem to mind, Jimmy says, but +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span> +it seemed very curious to hear the deep +baying of a bloodhound in a peaceful +cornfield. Jimmy says it made the +men stop work and look at each other, +and the man who was driving the reaping-machine +got down to see where it +wanted oiling. You see he hadn't heard +a bloodhound before.</p> + +<p>There was another dog there, Jimmy +says, in case the rabbits came out too +quickly for Faithful to catch them all. +The first rabbit that came out didn't +have any chance, Jimmy says. It bolted +out as hard as it could, and there was +a splendid race between the rabbit and +Faithful. You see the rabbit was +making for a burrow in the hedge, but +old Faithful got there first and tried to +get his head down it, to cut off the +rabbit's retreat. Jimmy says +the rabbit was nonplussed, and +the other dog caught it easily. +It is beautiful to see two dogs +work together like that, Jimmy +says.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says Faithful didn't +require the help of the other +dog with the next rabbit that +came his way, but the other +dog was very impulsive. You +see Faithful was lying down +with his mouth open trying to +look like a rabbit hole, and he +did it so well that the rabbit +came straight at him. Jimmy +says Faithful swerved about +ten yards to one side in order +to hurl himself bodily at the +rabbit, and he would have done +it if the other dog hadn't poked +his nose in.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says the other dog +killed the rabbit, but Faithful +went up and smelt at it like +anything. Faithful is a splendid smeller, +Jimmy says. He can retrieve rabbits +almost as well as he can catch them.</p> + +<p>The farmer was surprised to see how +quickly Faithful got off the mark at +the sound of the gun. You see the +farmer was standing close by Faithful +and he had no sooner shot at a rabbit +than away went Faithful right across +two fields, retrieving as hard as he could. +Jimmy had to fetch him back from +doing it.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says it was a new experience +for the men to have a trained bloodhound +in the harvest field, and they +could talk of nothing else whilst they +were having their dinners. You see +two of the men had mislaid their +dinners somehow, and every time they +looked at Faithful they kept wondering. +One man said his dinner was in a +pudding-basin, and he looked everywhere. +Faithful did his best to help +him, Jimmy says, and kept just two +yards ahead of him, twisting in and out.</p> + +<p>The man noticed something was +the matter with Faithful and advised +Jimmy to have his neck wrung: he +offered to do it himself.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says the man seemed very +suspicious because Faithful looked so +T.B. (you know: Totally Bulged); but +Jimmy took up Faithful and shook +him for the man to hear, and there +wasn't any sound of broken crockery +at all.</p> + +<p>The other man who had lost his dinner +didn't bother to look for it; he was +busy cutting a stick out of the hedge, +and when he had done it he borrowed +a piece of bacon from another +man to present to Faithful. Jimmy +says you do it by saying, "Dear little +doggie," in a husky voice. Jimmy +says bloodhounds don't like husky +voices, they get on their nerves. So +Faithful refused the bacon as hard as +he could.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says he knew Faithful would +follow him, and sure enough, when he +had got a mile on his way home, there +was Faithful waiting for him, holding +the pudding-basin in his mouth by the +cloth.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says when he got home there +was quite a crowd round the house +where Faithful had removed the greenhouse +from off the sparrow. A policeman +told Jimmy all about it. It +appeared, so the policeman said, that +some person or persons unknown had +got to know that the people in the +house were harbouring a German +governess and had smashed up the +greenhouse in revenge. The greenhouse +looked as if it had been struck by a +bomb, the policeman said, and when +the people saw it they knew their +secret was out and went and confessed +to the police. The policeman told +Jimmy that they had just taken the +German governess away to the police-station.</p> + +<p>Jimmy says that when he got home +he sat down and looked at Faithful for +half-an-hour—just looked at him. To +think that Faithful had been on the +Spy Trail all the time and Jimmy never +knew it!</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>An Incisive Beginning.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. Gordon Hewart, opening the president +of the London Chamber of Commerce ..."</p> + +<p><i>The Star</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p>The Hebdomadal Council of Oxford +University have suspended for six +months the filling of the Professorship +of Modern Greek, the view apparently +being that there is no one +about just now who understands +the modern Greek.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%" src="images/158.png" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>Youthful Patriot</i>. "<span class="sc">Take away the night-light, Mary. +I'd rather risk the dark than attract a Zeppelin.</span>" </p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<i>The Rivista Marittima</i> publishes +details of a new German ironclad, +which is claimed to be totally unsinkable.... +It is said to be a +Dreadnought-cruiser, fitted with +triple skins of armour, stuffed with +non-resisting material."—<i>Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It sounds like one of our conscientious +objectors.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<blockquote><p> +"The albatross—its docility was +charming—soon occupied a splendid +isolation on the tarpaulined covered +hatchway platform.... I shall in +future read Keats' 'Ancient Mariner' +with an accentuated interest."</p> + +<p><i>Natal Witness.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">Coleridge's</span> "Ode to a Nightingale" +was rejected as dealing +with the wrong bird.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Young Lady-Attendant for Allies' +Rifle Range, to replace one getting +married; the 3rd in 12 months doing the +same; good remuneration, and comfortable +job."—<i>Glasgow Citizen.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Bow and arrow or .303, Cupid's markmanship +remains unerring.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">The Man who dined at Krupp's and +worked with the Kaiser</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Morning Paper Heading</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The <i>menu</i> at <span class="sc">Krupp's</span> is not given, but +was probably some form of pig.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"SCOTCH NURSES IN SERBIA.</p> + +<p>GERMAN DOCTOR'S IMPRESSIONS.</p> + +<p>'VERY FORBIDDING.'"</p> + +<p><i>Egyptian Gazette.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a notice of a recent novel:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"The present reviewer's pen cleaves to the +roof of his mouth when he tries to describe +it."—<i>Evening Standard.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>That should teach him to get rid of the +nasty habit of sucking the nib.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> + +<h3>MULE HUMOUR.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/159a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159a.png" alt=""/></a><p>"He's kicked the Corporal!"</p></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/159b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159b.png" alt=""/></a><p>"He's kicked the Vet.!!"</p></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/159c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159c.png" alt=""/></a><p>"He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!"</p></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/159d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159d.png" alt=""/></a><p>"He's kicked the Colonel!!!!"</p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<h3>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</h3> + +<p>I think I never read a story that impressed me as more +untimely than this to which Mr. <span class="sc">Ivor Brown</span> has given +the title of <i>Security</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>). It is about an Oxford Don, +one <i>John Grant</i>, who became, as others have become, irked +by the placid routine of Senior Common-Room existence, +and yearned for adventure. So he came to London, and +got his first dose of it as a labour-agitator and backer of +strikes. I suppose that the atmosphere of labour-agitating +and strike-backing is skilfully conveyed (that of Oxford +donship undoubtedly is), but I can't tell you how antique +it all seems. These scornful quotations from an imaginary +Capitalist press and the fierce denial that industrial strife +was ever assisted by foreign agencies—it all sounds like a +voice from ancient history. One rubs one's ears at it. +Eventually militant Socialism wearies <i>John</i> as much as +academic torpor had done, and to escape from both he +marries a wife. More atmosphere, this time of a dreary +little seaside town and its so-called society. But <i>John</i> +fares no better here; and at last, on his return from a +walking holiday, he finds that +<i>Mrs. John</i>, unable to put up +with him any longer, is putting +up without him at a London +hotel in company with Another. +That seems a situation +insecure enough to satisfy the +most exacting. But even from +this nothing results, and husband +and wife drift together +again. I like to think that +nowadays, what with Zeps and +other things, poor old <i>John</i> +may grow really contented. +Meanwhile, clever as it is, the +tale seems oddly anæmic and +unreal. It is like those tragically +trivial journals of 1914 +that still survive in the dusty +waiting-rooms of dentists. I +don't suggest that Mr. <span class="sc">Brown</span>, +whose previous book I much admired, should write about +the War; but I could wish him a little more in tune with +the spirit it has produced.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>Faith Tresilion</i> (<span class="sc">Ward, Lock</span>) is a book of brave and of +some diabolical deeds, but as Mr. <span class="sc">Eden Phillpotts</span> sees to +it that his murderers and wreckers get their due he leaves +me with the hopeful feeling that what happened to super-criminals +a hundred years or so ago will also be their fate +in this year of grace. <i>Faith</i> is the type of heroine with +whom readers of this amazingly industrious author are +familiar—a fearless girl who does a man's work without +for a moment becoming unsexed. She was in a difficult +position enough, for her brother was a smuggler and she +was in love, head to heels, with the local gangster. There +are other complications, but this is the chief one, and it is +worked out in Mr. <i>Phillpotts</i>' best West-country manner. +I accept <i>Faith</i> and salute her, but it is before her mother +that I completely bow the knee. Mrs. <i>Tresilion</i> was paralysed +up to her waist, which was just as well, for if her +activities had not been limited she would have swamped +the whole book. As it was she lay in bed, drank gin, +directed various operations with her eye fixed rather upon +this world than the next, and told her visitors precisely +what she thought of them. I am thankful not to have met +this devastating lady in the flesh, because to be called "a +hookery-snidy, trundle-trailed king-crab," and then told to +kiss her, would have been more than I could bear.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>I feel that Miss <span class="sc">Constance Holme</span> will be the first to +agree with me on reflection that as a beginning of a chapter +in <i>The Old Road from Spain</i> (<span class="sc">Mills</span>) the following will +not do: "The long bright day idled interminably to its +tryst with night. Luis ate his lonely meals in the silent +room," etc. It illustrates a defect of her rather over-intense +method. She would readily forgive me this stricture if she +could know the eagerness with which I read her picturesque +pages to find out exactly what was the matter with the +<i>Huddlestons</i> of Thorn. From a Spanish ancestor, who +had been wrecked with the Armada, they had inherited a +<span class="sc">curse</span>. It was a very original curse, and I dare not +deprive you of the pleasure of finding out what it was for +yourself. Miss <span class="sc">Holme</span> puts in her background of mystery +with skilful touches and handles her characterisation with +a good deal more subtlety than your mere mystery-monger +can command. She observes both men and things with +affection, writes of them with imagination. <i>Rowly Huddleston</i>, +the committee-ridden squire of Thorn, looks like a +careful portrait from life, and +probably somebody also sat +for that faithful soul, <i>Crane</i>, +the butler. A book to be commended. +Its defects are the +defects of exuberance, the sort +one only begins to notice after +one has said, "Hello! this is +pretty good!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>The Greater Glory</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder +and Stoughton</span>) is a collection +of very short sketches concerned +with the War. They +are a little unequal, some being +better than others, and others +(naturally) being worse than +some. They all reveal their +author, Miss <span class="sc">Evelyn Orchard</span>, +as possessed of a pleasantly +unforced style, and perhaps +rather more ease than imagination. One of them, my own +favourite, the story of a parson who enlisted, is conspicuous +as containing so admirable a recruiting speech that I can +only hope it is transcribed from life. Having said so +much, perhaps I may be forgiven by Miss <span class="sc">Orchard</span> if I +add that I would rather have read her up upon some lighter +theme. Her tuneful pipe contains some very pleasant +notes, both of sentiment and humour, but is altogether too +thin for variations upon so tremendous a motive as she has +chosen. I express, of course, only my personal feeling; but +I am certain that unless a book can rise to the magnitude +of the War it had best leave it alone. Still it may well be +that others will find interest, and even consolation, in these +little papers. They have at least the charm of simplicity, +and are obviously the products of a gentle and sympathetic +nature. Thus, Miss <span class="sc">Orchard</span> can still see the pathos of +the German private. Well, well.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%" src="images/160.png" alt=""/></a><p>"<span class="sc">Look, dear—isn't that good? 'Will you march too, or +wait till March the Second'</span>?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A PIOUS HOPE.</h3> + +<p>[Suggested by an interview between M. <b>Sazonoff</b> and Mr. <span class="sc">Harold +Begbie</span> in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>.]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Russian statesman, <span class="sc">Harold Begbie</span> thinks,</p> +<p>Is a good egg and not a subtle Sphinx;</p> +<p>Some day perhaps he will a better egg be</p> +<p>And tell us frankly what he thought of <span class="sc">Begbie</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, MARCH 1, 1916***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 22687-h.txt or 22687-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/8/22687">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/8/22687</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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