diff options
Diffstat (limited to '22680.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 22680.txt | 6892 |
1 files changed, 6892 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/22680.txt b/22680.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cea7017 --- /dev/null +++ b/22680.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6892 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Biglow Papers, by James Russell Lowell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Biglow Papers + +Author: James Russell Lowell + +Editor: Thomas Hughes + +Release Date: September 20, 2007 [EBook #22680] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIGLOW PAPERS *** + + + + +Produced by Susan Skinner, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + THE + + BIGLOW PAPERS. + + + BY + JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL. + + + NEWLY EDITED, + WITH A PREFACE + BY THE + AUTHOR OF "_TOM BROWN'S SCHOOL-DAYS_." + + + THIRD ENGLISH EDITION. + + + Reprinted, with the Author's Sanction, from the + Last American Edition. + + + LONDON: + TRUeBNER & CO. 60, PATERNOSTER ROW. + 1861. + + + + +Transcriber's Note + +Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. Dialect +spellings, contractions and discrepancies have been retained. + +Greek words have been transliterated and are shown between {braces}. + +The carat symbol [^] has been used to note 'superscript', and three +asterisks [***] represent an inverted asterism. The following less +common characters have been transcribed as follows: + + [)a] a with breve + [=a] a with macron + [oe] oe ligature + + + + +PUBLISHERS' PREFACE. + + +In order to avoid any misconception, the Publishers think it advisable +to announce that the present Edition of the "Biglow Papers" is issued +with the express sanction of the Author, granted by letter, from which +the following is an extract:-- + + + "CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS, + _14th September, 1859_. + + "I think it would be well for you to announce that you are to + publish an Authorized Edition of the 'BIGLOW PAPERS;' for I have + just received a letter from Mr. ----, who tells me that a Mr. ---- + was thinking of an edition, and wished him to edit it. Any such + undertaking will be entirely against my will, and I take it for + granted that Mr. ---- only formed the plan in ignorance of your + intention. + + "With many thanks, very truly yours, + + "J. R. LOWELL." + + + + +ENGLISH EDITOR'S PREFACE. + + +I can safely say that few things in my life have pleased me more than +the request of Messrs. Truebner, backed by the expressed wish of the +author, that I would see the first English edition of the "Biglow +Papers" through the press. I fell in with the Papers about ten years +ago, soon after their publication; and the impression they then made on +me has been deepening and becoming more lively ever since. In fact, I do +not think that, even in his own New England, Mr. Lowell can have a more +constant or more grateful reader, though I cannot say that I go much +beyond most of my own intimate friends over here in my love for his +works. I may remark, in passing, that the impossibility of keeping a +copy of the "Biglow Papers" for more than a few weeks (of which many of +us have had repeated and sorrowful proof[1]) shows how much an English +Edition is needed. + +Perhaps, strictly speaking, I should say a reprint, and not an edition. +In fact, I am not clear (in spite of the wishes of author and +publishers) that I have any right to call myself editor, for the book is +as thoroughly edited already as a book need be. What between dear old +Parson Wilbur--with his little vanities and pedantries, his "infinite +faculty of sermonizing," his simplicity and humour, and his deep and +righteous views of life, and power of hard hitting when he has anything +to say which needs driving home--and Father Ezekiel, "the brown +parchment-hided old man of the geoponic or bucolic species," "76 year +old cum next tater diggin, and thair aint nowheres a kitting" (we +readily believe) "spryer 'n he be;" and that judicious and lazy +sub-editor, "Columbus Nye, pastor of a church in Bungtown Corner," +whose acquaintance we make so thoroughly in the ten lines which he +contributes--whatever of setting or framing was needed, or indeed +possible, for the nine gems in verse of Mr. Hosea Biglow, has been so +well done already in America by the hand best fitted for the task, that +he must be a bold man who would meddle with the book now in the editing +way. Even the humble satisfaction of adding a glossary and index has +been denied to me, as there are already very good ones. I have merely +added some half-dozen words to the glossary, at which I thought that +English readers might perhaps stumble. When the proposal was first made +to me, indeed, I thought of trying my hand at a sketch of American +politics of thirteen years ago, the date of the Mexican war and of the +first appearance of the "Biglow Papers." But I soon found out, first, +that I was not, and had no ready means of making myself, competent for +such a task; secondly, that the book did not need it. The very slight +knowledge which every educated Englishman has of Transatlantic politics +will be quite enough to make him enjoy the racy smack of the American +soil, which is one of their great charms; and, as to the particular +characters, they are most truly citizens of the world as well as +Americans. If an Englishman cannot find 'Bird-o'-freedom Sawins,' 'John +P. Robinson's,' 'pious editors,' and candidates "facin' south-by-north" +at home--ay, and if he is not conscious of his own individual propensity +to the meannesses and duplicities of such, which come under the lash of +Hosea--he knows little of the land we live in, or of his own heart, and +is not worthy to read the "Biglow Papers." + +Instead, therefore, of any attempt of my own, I will give Mr. Lowell's +own account of how and why he came to write this book. "All I can say +is," he writes, "the book was _thar_. How it came is more than I can +tell. I cannot, like the great Goethe, deliberately imagine what would +have been a proper 'Entstehungsweise' for my book, and then assume it as +fact. I only know that I believed our war with Mexico (though we had as +just ground for it as a strong nation ever had against a weak one) to be +essentially a war of false pretences, and that it would result in +widening the boundaries, and so prolonging the life of slavery. +Believing that it is the manifest destiny of the English race to occupy +this whole continent, and to display there that practical understanding +in matters of government and colonization which no other race has given +such proofs of possessing since the Romans, I hated to see a noble hope +evaporated into a lying phrase to sweeten the foul breath of demagogues. +Leaving the sin of it to God, I believed, and still believe, that +slavery is the Achilles-heel of our own polity, that it is a temporary +and false supremacy of the white races, sure to destroy that supremacy +at last, because an enslaved people always prove themselves of more +enduring fibre than their enslavers, as not suffering from the social +vices sure to be engendered by oppression in the governing class. +Against these and many other things I thought all honest men should +protest. I was born and bred in the country, and the dialect was homely +to me. I tried my first Biglow paper in a newspaper, and found that it +had a great run. So I wrote the others from time to time during the +year which followed, always very rapidly, and sometimes (as with 'What +Mr. Robinson thinks') at one sitting. When I came to collect them and +publish them in a volume, I conceived my parson-editor, with his +pedantry and verbosity, his amiable vanity and superiority to the verses +he was editing, as a fitting artistic background and foil. He gave me +the chance, too, of glancing obliquely at many things which were beyond +the horizon of my other characters." + +There are two American books, elder brethren of "The Biglow Papers," +which it would be unjust in an Englishman not to mention while +introducing their big younger brother to his own countrymen,--I mean, of +course, "Major Downing's Letters," and "Sam Slick;" both of which are +full of rare humour, and treat of the most exciting political questions +of their day in a method and from points of view of which we are often +reminded while reading the "Biglow Papers." In fact, Mr. Lowell borrows +his name from the Major's Letters;--"Zekel Bigelow, Broker and Banker of +Wall Street, New York," is the friend who corrects the spelling, and +certifies to the genuineness, of the honest Major's effusions,[2] and is +one of the raciest characters in the book. No one, I am sure, would be +so ready as Mr. Lowell to acknowledge whatever obligations he may have +to other men, and no one can do it more safely. For though he may owe a +name or an idea to others, he seems to me to stand quite alone amongst +Americans, and to be the only one who is beyond question entitled to +take his place in the first rank, by the side of the great political +satirists of ancient and modern Europe. + +Greece had her Aristophanes; Rome her Juvenal; Spain has had her +Cervantes; France her Rabelais, her Moliere, her Voltaire; Germany her +Jean Paul, her Heine; England her Swift, her Thackeray; and America has +her Lowell. By the side of all those great masters of satire, though +kept somewhat in the rear by provincialism of style and subject, the +author of the "Biglow Papers" holds his own place distinct from each +and all. The man who reads the book for the first time, and is capable +of understanding it, has received a new sensation. In Lowell the +American mind has for the first time flowered out into thoroughly +original genius. + +There is an airy grace about the best pieces of Washington Irving, which +has no parallel amongst English writers, however closely modelled may be +his style upon that of the Addisonian age. There is much original power, +which will perhaps be better appreciated at a future day, about Fenimore +Cooper's delineations of the physical and spiritual border-land, between +white and red, between civilization and savagery. There is dramatic +power of a high order about Mr. Hawthorne, though mixed with a certain +morbidness and bad taste, which debar him from ever attaining to the +first rank. There is an originality of position about Mr. Emerson, in +his resolute setting up of King Self against King Mob, which, coupled +with a singular metallic glitter of style, and plenty of shrewd New +England mother-wit, have made up together one of the best counterfeits +of genius that has been seen for many a day; so good, indeed, that most +men are taken by it for the first quarter of an hour at the least. But +for real unmistakable genius,--for that glorious fulness of power which +knocks a man down at a blow for sheer admiration, and then makes him +rush into the arms of the knocker-down, and swear eternal friendship +with him for sheer delight; the "Biglow Papers" stand alone. + +If I sought to describe their characteristics, I should say, the most +exuberant and extravagant humour, coupled with strong, noble, Christian +purpose,--a thorough scorn for all that is false and base, all the more +withering because of the thorough geniality of the writer. Perhaps Jean +Paul is of all the satirists I have named the one who at bottom presents +most affinity with Lowell, but the differences are marked. The +intellectual sphere of the German is vaster, but though with certain +aims before him, he rather floats and tumbles about like a porpoise at +play than follows any direct perceptible course. With Lowell, on the +contrary, every word tells, every laugh is a blow; as if the god Momus +had turned out as Mars, and were hard at work fighting every inch of +him, grinning his broadest all the while. + +Will some English readers be shocked by this combination of broad and +keen humour with high Christian purpose--the association of humour and +Christianity? I hope not. At any rate, I would remind any such of +Luther, and of our own Latimer and Rowland Hill; are they prepared to +condemn them and many more like them? Nay (though it is a question which +can only be hinted at here), does not the Bible itself sanction the +combination by its own example? Is there not humour mixed with the +tremendous sarcasm of the old prophets--dread humour no doubt, but +humour unmistakably--wherever they speak of the helplessness of idols, +as in the forty-fourth and forty-sixth chapters of Isaiah, and in +Elijah's mockery of the priests of Baal:--"Cry aloud, for he is a God; +either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is on a journey, or +peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awakened." Is not the book of +Proverbs full of grave, dry, pungent humour? Consider only the following +passage out of many of the same spirit: "As the door turneth upon his +hinges, so doth the slothful upon his bed. The slothful hideth his hand +in his bosom, it grieveth him to bring it again to his mouth. The +sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a +reason. He that passeth by and meddleth with strife belonging not to +him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears."--Prov. xxvi. 14-17. + +Or if it be objected that these things belong to an earlier covenant, +that laughter and jesting are "not convenient" under the Gospel of Him +who came not to destroy the law but to fulfil it, there is, perhaps, an +answer to this also. + +For a specimen of subdued humour in narrative, adhering in the most +literal manner to facts, and yet contriving to bring them out by that +graphic literalness under their most ludicrous aspect, what can equal +St. Luke's description of the riot at Ephesus? The picture of the narrow +trade selfishness of Demetrius--of polytheism reduced into a matter of +business--of the inanity of a mob tumult in an enslaved country--of the +mixed coaxing and bullying of its officials, was surely never brought +out with a more latter vice, indeed, includes both the others, or +rather uses them as its instruments. Thus, the "pious Editor" proclaims, +as his creed,-- + + I du believe in Freedom's cause + Ez fur away ez Paris is; + I love to see her stick her claws + In them infarnal Pharisees; + + It's wal enough agin a king + To dror resolves and triggers, + But libbaty's a kind o' thing + Thet don't agree with niggers. + +No doubt they go further than this. I am quite aware that Mr. Lowell +will be claimed as a champion by the peace party in this country; and +certainly no keener things have been said against war in general than +are to be found in this book. + +With our own peace-at-any-price party, no one has less sympathy than I; +and this leads me to urge on all English readers to bear in mind, that +the "Biglow Papers" were written for a New England audience, by a New +Englander, and must be judged from a New England point of view. The +citizen of a huge young mammoth country, divided by a whole ocean from +the nearest enemy that it could fear, assailable only on the vivid +sense of the absurdity of the whole. "And Gallio cared for none of these +things," is another touch of quiet humour, which at once brings out the +ludicrous aspect of the punishment of the Jewish agitators by means of +the very tumults which they raised. + +I take it, therefore, that the exhibition of humour, in the pursuit, and +as an aid for the attainment of a noble Christian purpose, is a means of +action not only sanctioned by the very constitution of our natures (in +which God has implanted so deeply the sense of the ludicrous, surely not +that we might root it out) but, by the very example of Holy Writ. The +humour exhibited may be different in degree and in quality; the skies of +Syria are not those of Germany, or of Spain, of England, whether old or +new. But the gift in itself is a pure and precious one, if lawfully and +rightfully used. + +Military braggadocio, political and literary humbug, and slave-holding, +are the three great butts at which Hosea Biglow and Parson Wilbur shoot, +at point-blank range, and with shafts drawn well to the ear. The fringe +of its seaboard (itself consisting chiefly of unapproachable swamp or +barren sand wastes), surrounded by weak neighbours or thin wandering +hordes, only too easy to bully, to subdue, to eat up; from which bands +of pirates, under the name of liberators, swarm forth year after year, +almost unchecked, to neighbouring lands, and to which if defeated they +only return to be caressed and applauded by their congeners; where the +getting up of war-fevers forms part of the stock in trade of too many of +the leading politicians; where in particular the grasping at new +territories for slave labour, by means however foul, has become the +special and avowed policy of the slavery party; the citizen of such a +country has a right to tell his countrymen that-- + + 'T'aint your eppyletts an' feathers + Make the thing a grain more right; + 'T'aint afollerin' your bell-wethers + Will excuse ye in His sight; + + 'Ef you take a sword an' dror it, + An' go stick a feller thru, + 'Guv'ment aint to answer for it, + God 'll send the bill to you. + +And the bravest officer in Her Majesty's service will laugh as heartily +as you will, I take it, my dear reader, if you have never heard it +before, over a picture and a contrast such as the following:-- + + Parson Wilbur sez, _he_ never heerd in his life + Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats, + An' marched round in front of a drum and a fife + To git, some on 'em office, an some on em votes, + But John P + Robinson he + Sez they didnt know everythin' down in Juddee. + +But England is a small and wealthy country, whose best defence against a +neighbour, always likely to become a foe, consists in a mere ocean +canal; where the question, I will not say of war, but of readiness for +war, is one of life or death--in which the temptation, always so strong, +to subordinate national honour to what is supposed to be policy, is in +our day for most statesmen almost irresistible, because political +influence is so evenly balanced, that a peace party of perhaps twenty +votes has often the destinies of a ministry in its hands. Had Mr. Lowell +been an Englishman, no one who knows his writings can believe for a +moment that he would have swelled the cry or strengthened the hands of +the vain and mischievous clique, who amongst us have of late years +raised the cry of peace when there is no peace. + +The same caution will apply to our marked peculiarity of style in the +book, which may offend at first many persons otherwise most capable of +entering into its spirit. I mean the constant, and so to speak, +pervading use of Scripture language and incidents, not only side by side +with the most grotesque effusions of humour, but as one main element of +the ludicrous effects produced. This undoubtedly would be as really +offensive as it would be untrue, from any other point of view perhaps +than that of a New Englander bred in the country. The rural population +of New England is still, happily for itself, tinctured in all its +language, habits, modes of feeling and thought, by a strict Scriptural +training--"Out of the fulness of the heart the mouth speaketh." Look +below the surface and you will see that there is no irreverence whatever +beneath Hosea Biglow's daring use of Scripture; only that "perfect love +which casteth out fear;" that the very purpose of the whole book is to +set up Christ's Gospel as _the_ standard by which alone all men are to +be judged in all their acts. We may disagree from him in the +conclusions which he draws from Scripture; of his earnest sincerity in +enforcing those conclusions we cannot doubt. + +It is satisfactory, indeed, to think that Mr. Lowell's shafts have +already, in a great measure, ceased to be required, or would have to be +aimed now at other bull's eyes. The servility of the Northern States to +the South, which twelve years ago so raised his indignation, has well +nigh ceased to be. The vital importance of the slavery question is now +thoroughly recognized by the great republican party, which I trust is +year by year advancing towards an assured victory. + +For that victory Mr. Lowell has done knight's-service by his other +works, as well as by the "Biglow Papers." I need not do more than refer +to these, however, as they have been published in a cheap form over +here, and I believe have circulated largely. In his other poems he is by +no means so equal as in the "Biglow Papers;" but I cannot help thinking +that (leaving out of sight altogether his satirical works) fifty years +hence he will be recognized as the greatest American poet of our day, +notwithstanding the contemporary judgment which has in England, and I +believe in America, assigned that proud place to his friend and +predecessor at Harvard College, H. W. Longfellow. To any reader who has +not met with Lowell's Poems, and who may be induced to read them after a +perusal of the present volume, I should recommend "The Vision of Sir +Launfal," "A Parable," "Stanzas on Freedom," "The Present Crisis," and +"Hunger and Cold," as specially fit to be read in connexion with the +"Biglow Papers." It is only by looking at all sides of a man of this +mould that you can get a notion of his size and power. Readers, +therefore, should search out for themselves the exquisite little gems of +a lighter kind, which lie about in the other poems comprised in the +volume. I am only indicating those which, as it seems to me, when taken +with the "Biglow Papers," give the best idea of the man, and what his +purpose in life has been, and is. + +I will not think so badly of my countrymen as to suppose for a moment +that "The Biglow Papers" will not become the intimate friends of all +good fellows in England; and when we have really made friends with a +book, we like to know something about our friend's father; so I shall +add the little I know of the history of James Russell Lowell. + +He was born in 1819, at Cambridge, Massachusetts, so that he is some +years younger than our own laureate, and we may hope to get out of him +many another noble work, though we shall get no more "Biglow Papers"--at +least I fear not; for the sort of inspiration which finds voice in this +way comes, I take it, only once in a man's life. And moreover, this is +his own conviction. In a letter which I received from him as to the +present publication, he writes: "Friendly people say to me sometimes, +'Write us more "Biglow Papers;"' and I have even been simple enough to +try, only to find that I could not. This has helped to persuade me that +the book was a genuine growth, and not a manufacture, and that therefore +I had an honest right to be pleased without blushing, if people liked +it." He was educated at Harvard College, Cambridge; and, in fact, has +never lived away from his native place. He read law, but never +practised; and in 1855 was chosen to succeed Longfellow as Professor of +Modern Literature in Harvard College. He has visited Europe twice; and I +am sure that every one who knows his works must join with me in the +hearty wish that he may come among us again as soon as possible. + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] Should this meet the eye of any persons who may have forgotten to +return American copies of the "Biglow Papers" to their respective +owners, they are requested to forward them to the publishers. The +strictest secrecy will be preserved, and an acknowledgment given in _The +Times_ if required. + +[2] See the English Edition of "Letters of Major Downing," published by +John Murray in 1835, pp. 22, 23; and Letters x. xi. xii. and xv. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + + PUBLISHER'S PREFACE v + + + EDITOR'S PREFACE vii + + + NOTICES OF AN INDEPENDENT PRESS xxix + + + No. I. + + A LETTER FROM MR. EZEKIEL BIGLOW OF JAALAM TO THE + HON. JOSEPH T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON + COURIER, INCLOSING A POEM OF HIS SON, MR. HOSEA + BIGLOW 1 + + + No. II. + + A LETTER FROM MR. HOSEA BIGLOW TO THE HON. + J. T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, + COVERING A LETTER FROM MR. B. SAWIN, PRIVATE IN + THE MASSACHUSETTS REGIMENT 11 + + + No. III. + + WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS 27 + + + No. IV. + + REMARKS OF INCREASE D. O'PHACE, ESQUIRE, AT AN + EX-TRUMPERY CAUCUS IN STATE STREET, REPORTED BY + MR. H. BIGLOW 40 + + + No. V. + + THE DEBATE IN THE SENNIT. SOT TO A NUSRY RHYME 55 + + + No. VI. + + THE PIOUS EDITOR'S CREED 64 + + + No. VII. + + A LETTER FROM A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN + ANSWER TO SUTTIN QUESTIONS PROPOSED BY MR. HOSEA + BIGLOW, INCLOSED IN A NOTE FROM MR. BIGLOW TO S. + H. GAY, ESQ., EDITOR OF THE NATIONAL ANTISLAVERY + STANDARD 74 + + + No. VIII. + + A SECOND LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ. 86 + + + No. IX. + + A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ. 106 + + + GLOSSARY 127 + + + INDEX 131 + + + + +NOTICES OF AN INDEPENDENT PRESS. + + +[I have observed, reader, (bene- or male-volent, as it may happen,) that +it is customary to append to the second editions of books, and to the +second works of authors, short sentences commendatory of the first, +under the title of _Notices of the Press_. These, I have been given to +understand, are procurable at certain established rates, payment being +made either in money or advertising patronage by the publisher, or by an +adequate outlay of servility on the part of the author. Considering +these things with myself, and also that such notices are neither +intended, nor generally believed, to convey any real opinions, being a +purely ceremonial accompaniment of literature, and resembling +certificates to the virtues of various morbiferal panaceas, I conceived +that it would be not only more economical to prepare a sufficient number +of such myself, but also more immediately subservient to the end in +view, to prefix them to this our primary edition, rather than await the +contingency of a second, when they would seem to be of small utility. To +delay attaching the _bobs_ until the second attempt at flying the kite +would indicate but a slender experience in that useful art. Neither has +it escaped my notice, nor failed to afford me matter of reflection, +that, when a circus or a caravan is about to visit Jaalam, the initial +step is to send forward large and highly ornamented bills of performance +to be hung in the bar-room and the post-office. These having been +sufficiently gazed at, and beginning to lose their attractiveness +except for the flies, and, truly, the boys also, (in whom I find it +impossible to repress, even during school-hours, certain oral and +telegraphic correspondences concerning the expected show,) upon some +fine morning the band enters in a gaily-painted waggon, or triumphal +chariot, and with noisy advertisement, by means of brass, wood, and +sheepskin, makes the circuit of our startled village-streets. Then, as +the exciting sounds draw nearer and nearer, do I desiderate those eyes +of Aristarchus, "whose looks were as a breeching to a boy." Then do I +perceive, with vain regret of wasted opportunities, the advantage of a +pancratic or pantechnic education, since he is most reverenced by my +little subjects who can throw the cleanest summerset, or walk most +securely upon the revolving cask. The story of the Pied Piper becomes +for the first time credible to me, (albeit confirmed by the Hameliners +dating their legal instruments from the period of his exit,) as I behold +how those strains, without pretence of magical potency, bewitch the +pupillary legs, nor leave to the pedagogic an entire self-control. For +these reasons, lest my kingly prerogative should suffer diminution, I +prorogue my restless commons, whom I also follow into the street, +chiefly lest some mischief may chance befall them. After the manner of +such a band, I send forward the following notices of domestic +manufacture, to make brazen proclamation, not unconscious of the +advantage which will accrue, if our little craft, _cymbula sutilis_, +shall seem to leave port with a clipping breeze, and to carry, in +nautical phrase, a bone in her mouth. Nevertheless, I have chosen, as +being more equitable, to prepare some also sufficiently objurgatory, +that readers of every taste may find a dish to their palate. I have +modelled them upon actually existing specimens, preserved in my own +cabinet of natural curiosities. One, in particular, I had copied with +tolerable exactness from a notice of one of my own discourses, which, +from its superior tone and appearance of vast experience, I concluded to +have been written by a man at least three hundred years of age, though I +recollected no existing instance of such antediluvian longevity. +Nevertheless, I afterwards discovered the author to be a young gentleman +preparing for the ministry under the direction of one of my brethren in +a neighbouring town, and whom I had once instinctively corrected in a +Latin quantity. But this I have been forced to omit, from its too great +length.--H. W.] + + * * * * * + + _From the Universal Littery Universe._ + + Full of passages which rivet the attention of the reader.... Under a + rustic garb, sentiments are conveyed which should be committed to + the memory and engraven on the heart of every moral and social + being.... We consider this a _unique_ performance.... We hope to see + it soon introduced into our common schools.... Mr. Wilbur has + performed his duties as editor with excellent taste and judgment.... + This is a vein which we hope to see successfully prosecuted.... We + hail the appearance of this work as a long stride toward the + formation of a purely aboriginal, indigenous, native, and American + literature. We rejoice to meet with an author national enough to + break away from the slavish deference, too common among us, to + English grammar and orthography.... Where all is so good, we are at + a loss how to make extracts.... On the whole, we may call it a + volume which no library, pretending to entire completeness, should + fail to place upon its shelves. + + * * * * * + + _From the Higginbottomopolis Snapping-turtle._ + + A collection of the merest balderdash and doggerel that it was ever + our bad fortune to lay eyes on. The author is a vulgar buffoon, and + the editor a talkative, tedious old fool. We use strong language, + but should any of our readers peruse the book, (from which calamity + Heaven preserve them,) they will find reasons for it thick as the + leaves of Vallumbrozer, or, to use a still more expressive + comparison, as the combined heads of author and editor. The work is + wretchedly got up.... We should like to know how much _British gold_ + was pocketed by this libeller of our country and her purest + patriots. + + * * * * * + + _From the Oldfogrumville Mentor._ + + We have not had time to do more than glance through this handsomely + printed volume, but the name of its respectable editor, the Rev. Mr. + Wilbur, of Jaalam, will afford a sufficient guaranty for the worth + of its contents.... The paper is white, the type clear, and the + volume of a convenient and attractive size.... In reading this + elegantly executed work, it has seemed to us that a passage or two + might have been retrenched with advantage, and that the general + style of diction was susceptible of a higher polish.... On the + whole, we may safely leave the ungrateful task of criticism to the + reader. We will barely suggest, that in volumes intended, as this + is, for the illustration of a provincial dialect and turns of + expression, a dash of humour or satire might be thrown in with + advantage.... The work is admirably got up.... This work will form + an appropriate ornament to the centre-table. It is beautifully + printed, on paper of an excellent quality. + + * * * * * + + _From the Dekay Bulwark._ + + We should be wanting in our duty as the conductor of that tremendous + engine, a public press, as an American, and as a man, did we allow + such an opportunity as is presented to us by "The Biglow Papers" to + pass by without entering our earnest protest against such attempts + (now, alas! too common) at demoralizing the public sentiment. Under + a wretched mask of stupid drollery, slavery, war, the social glass, + and, in short, all the valuable and time-honoured institutions + justly dear to our common humanity and especially to republicans, + are made the butt of coarse and senseless ribaldry by this + low-minded scribbler. It is time that the respectable and religious + portion of our community should be aroused to the alarming inroads + of foreign Jacobinism, sansculottism, and infidelity. It is a + fearful proof of the wide-spread nature of this contagion, that + these secret stabs at religion and virtue are given from under the + cloak (_credite, posteri!_) of a clergyman. It is a mournful + spectacle indeed to the patriot and Christian to see liberality and + new ideas (falsely so called,--they are as old as Eden) invading + the sacred precincts of the pulpit.... On the whole, we consider + this volume as one of the first shocking results which we predicted + would spring out of the late French "Revolution"(!). + + * * * * * + + _From the Bungtown Copper and Comprehensive Tocsin (a tryweakly + family journal)._ + + Altogether an admirable work.... Full of humour, boisterous, but + delicate,--of wit withering and scorching, yet combined with a + pathos cool as morning dew,--of satire ponderous as the mace of + Richard, yet keen as the scymitar of Saladin.... A work full of + "mountain-mirth," mischievous as Puck and lightsome as Ariel.... We + know not whether to admire most the genial, fresh, and discursive + concinnity of the author, or his playful fancy, weird imagination, + and compass of style, at once both objective and subjective.... We + might indulge in some criticisms, but, were the author other than he + is, he would be a different being. As it is, he has a wonderful + _pose_, which flits from flower to flower, and bears the reader + irresistibly along on its eagle pinions (like Ganymede) to the + "highest heaven of invention." ... We love a book so purely + objective.... Many of his pictures of natural scenery have an + extraordinary subjective clearness and fidelity.... In fine, we + consider this as one of the most extraordinary volumes of this or + any age. We know of no English author who could have written it. It + is a work to which the proud genius of our country, standing with + one foot on the Aroostook and the other on the Rio Grande, and + holding up the star-spangled banner amid the wreck of matter and the + crush of worlds, may point with bewildering scorn of the punier + efforts of enslaved Europe.... We hope soon to encounter our author + among those higher walks of literature in which he is evidently + capable of achieving enduring fame. Already we should be inclined to + assign him a high position in the bright galaxy of our American + bards. + + * * * * * + + _From the Saltriver Pilot and Flag of Freedom._ + + A volume in bad grammar and worse taste.... While the pieces here + collected were confined to their appropriate sphere in the corners + of obscure newspapers, we considered them wholly beneath contempt, + but, as the author has chosen to come forward in this public manner, + he must expect the lash he so richly merits.... Contemptible + slanders.... Vilest Billingsgate.... Has raked all the gutters of + our language.... The most pure, upright, and consistent politicians + not safe from his malignant venom.... General Cushing comes in for a + share of his vile calumnies.... The _Reverend_ Homer Wilbur is a + disgrace to his cloth.... + + * * * * * + + _From the World-Harmonic-AEolian-Attachment._ + + Speech is silver: silence is golden. No utterance more Orphic than + this. While, therefore, as highest author, we reverence him whose + works continue heroically unwritten, we have also our hopeful word + for those who with pen (from wing of goose loud-cackling, or seraph + God-commissioned) record the thing that is revealed.... Under mask + of quaintest irony, we detect here the deep, storm-tost (nigh + shipwracked) soul, thunder-scarred, semiarticulate, but ever + climbing hopefully toward the peaceful summits of an Infinite + Sorrow.... Yes, thou poor, forlorn Hosea, with Hebrew fire-flaming + soul in thee, for thee also this life of ours has not been without + its aspect of heavenliest pity and laughingest mirth. Conceivable + enough! Through coarse Thersites-cloak, we have revelation of the + heart, wild-glowing, world-clasping, that is in him. Bravely he + grapples with the life-problem as it presents itself to him, + uncombed, shaggy, careless of the "nicer proprieties," inexpert of + "elegant diction," yet with voice audible enough to whoso hath ears, + up there on the gravelly side-hills, or down on the splashy, + Indiarubber-like salt-marshes of native Jaalam. To this soul also + the _Necessity of Creating_ somewhat has unveiled its awful front. + If not [OE]dipuses and Electras and Alcestises, then in God's name + Birdofredum Sawins! These also shall get born into the world, and + filch (if so need) a Zingali subsistence therein, these lank, + omnivorous Yankees of his. He shall paint the Seen, since the Unseen + will not sit to him. Yet in him also are Nibelungen-lays, and + Iliads, and Ulysses-wanderings, and Divine Comedies,--if only once + he could come at them! Therein lies much, nay all; for what truly is + this which we name _All_, but that which we do _not_ possess?... + Glimpses also are given us of an old father Ezekiel, not without + paternal pride, as is the wont of such. A brown, parchment-hided old + man of the geoponic or bucolic species, gray-eyed, we fancy, + _queued_ perhaps, with much weather-cunning and plentiful + September-gale memories, bidding fair in good time to become the + Oldest Inhabitant. After such hasty apparition, he vanishes and is + seen no more.... Of "Rev. Homer Wilbur, A. M., Pastor of the First + Church in Jaalam," we have small care to speak here. Spare touch in + him of his Melesigenes namesake, save, haply, the--blindness! A + tolerably caliginose, nephelegeretous elderly gentleman, with + infinite faculty of sermonizing, muscularized by long practice, and + excellent digestive apparatus, and, for the rest, well-meaning + enough, and with small private illuminations (somewhat tallowy, it + is to be feared) of his own. To him, there, "Pastor of the First + Church in Jaalam," our Hosea presents himself as a quiet + inexplicable Sphinx-riddle. A rich, poverty of Latin and Greek,--so + far is clear enough, even to eyes peering myopic through horn-lensed + editorial spectacles,--but naught farther? O purblind, well-meaning, + altogether fuscous Melesigenes-Wilbur, there are things in him + incommunicable by stroke of birch! Did it ever enter that old + bewildered head of thine that there was the _Possibility of the + Infinite_ in him? To thee, quite wingless (and even featherless) + biped, has not so much even as a dream of wings ever come? "Talented + young parishioner"? Among the Arts whereof thou art _Magister_, does + that of _seeing_ happen to be one? Unhappy _Artium Magister_! + Somehow a Nemean lion, fulvous, torrid-eyed, dry-nursed in + broad-howling sand-wildernesses of a sufficiently rare spirit-Libya + (it may be supposed) has got whelped among the sheep. Already he + stands wild-glaring, with feet clutching the ground as with + oak-roots, gathering for a Remus-spring over the walls of thy little + fold. In Heaven's name, go not near him with that flybite crook of + thine! In good time, thou painful preacher, thou wilt go to the + appointed place of departed Artillery-Election Sermons, Right-Hands + of Fellowship, and Results of Councils, gathered to thy spiritual + fathers with much Latin of the Epitaphial sort; thou, too, shalt + have thy reward; but on him the Eumenides have looked, not Xantippes + of the pit, snake-tressed, finger-threatening, but radiantly calm as + on antique gems; for him paws impatient the winged courser of the + gods, champing unwelcome bit: him the starry deeps, the empyrean + glooms, and far-flashing splendors await. + + * * * * * + + _From the Onion Grove Ph[oe]nix._ + + A talented young townsman of ours, recently returned from a + Continental tour, and who is already favourably known to our readers + by his sprightly letters from abroad which have graced our columns, + called at our office yesterday. We learn from him, that, having + enjoyed the distinguished privilege, while in Germany, of an + introduction to the celebrated Von Humbug, he took the opportunity + to present that eminent man with a copy of the "Biglow Papers." The + next morning he received the following note, which he has kindly + furnished us for publication. We prefer to print _verbatim_, knowing + that our readers will readily forgive the few errors into which the + illustrious writer has fallen, through ignorance of our language. + + "HIGH-WORTHY MISTER! + + "I shall also now especially happy starve, because I have more or + less a work of one those aboriginal Red-Men seen in which have I so + deaf an interest ever taken fullworthy on the self shelf with our + Gottsched to be upset. + + "Pardon my in the English-speech unpractice! + + "VON HUMBUG." + + He also sent with the above note a copy of his famous work on + "Cosmetics," to be presented to Mr. Biglow; but this was taken from + our friend by the English custom-house officers, probably through a + petty national spite. No doubt, it has by this time found its way + into the British Museum. We trust this outrage will be exposed in + all our American papers. We shall do our best to bring it to the + notice of the State Department. Our numerous readers will share in + the pleasure we experience at seeing our young and vigorous national + literature thus encouragingly patted on the head by this venerable + and world-renowned German. We love to see these reciprocations of + good-feeling between the different branches of the great Anglo-Saxon + race. + + * * * * * + + _From the Jaalam Independent Blunderbuss._ + + ... But, while we lament to see our young townsman thus mingling in + the heated contests of party politics, we think we detect in him the + presence of talents which, if properly directed, might give an + innocent pleasure to many. As a proof that he is competent to the + production of other kinds of poetry, we copy for our readers a short + fragment of a pastoral by him, the manuscript of which was loaned us + by a friend. The title of it is "The Courtin'." + + Zekle crep' up, quite unbeknown, + An' peeked in thru the winder, + An' there sot Huldy all alone, + 'ith no one nigh to hender. + + Agin' the chimbly crooknecks hung, + An' in amongst 'em rusted + The ole queen's arm thet gran'ther Young + Fetched back frum Concord busted. + + The wannut logs shot sparkles out + Towards the pootiest, bless her! + An' leetle fires danced all about + The chiny on the dresser. + + The very room, coz she wuz in, + Looked warm frum floor to ceilin', + An' she looked full ez rosy agin + Ez th' apples she wuz peelin'. + + She heerd a foot an' knowed it, tu, + Araspin' on the scraper,-- + All ways to once her feelins flew + Like sparks in burnt-up paper. + + He kin' o' l'itered on the mat, + Some doubtfle o' the seekle; + His heart kep' goin' pitypat, + But hern went pity Zekle. + + ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... + + * * * * * + +Satis multis sese emptores futuros libri professis, Georgius Nichols, +Cantabrigiensis, opus emittet de parte gravi sed adhuc neglecta historiae +naturalis, cum titulo sequenti, videlicet:-- + +_Conatus ad Delineationem naturalem nonnihil perfectiorem Scarabaei +Bombilatoris, vulgo dicti_ HUMBUG, ab HOMERO WILBUR, Artium Magistro, +Societatis historico-naturalis Jaallamensis Praeside, (Secretario, +Socioque (eheu!) singulo,) multarumque aliarum Societatum eruditarum +(sive ineruditarum) tam domesticarum quam transmarinarum Socio--forsitan +futuro. + + +PROEMIUM. + +LECTORI BENEVOLO S. + +Toga scholastica nondum deposita, quum systemata varia entomologica, a +viris ejus scientiae cultoribus studiosissimis summa diligentia +aedificata, penitus indagassem, non fuit quin luctuose omnibus in iis, +quamvis aliter laude dignissimis, hiatum magni momenti perciperem. Tunc, +nescio quo motu superiore impulsus, aut qua captus dulcedine operis, ad +eum implendum (Curtius alter) me solemniter devovi. Nec ab isto labore, +{daimonios} imposito, abstinui antequam tractatulum sufficienter +inconcinnum lingua vernacula perfeceram. Inde, juveniliter tumefactus, +et barathro ineptiae {ton bibliopolon} (necnon "Publici Legentis") +nusquam explorato, me composuisse quod quasi placentas praefervidas (ut +sic dicam) homines ingurgitarent credidi. Sed, quum huic et alii +bibliopolae MSS. mea submisissem et nihil solidius responsione valde +negativa in Musaeum meum retulissem, horror ingens atque misericordia, ob +crassitudinem Lambertianam in cerebris homunculorum istius muneris +c[oe]lesti quadam ira infixam, me invasere. Extemplo mei solius impensis +librum edere decrevi, nihil omnino dubitans quin "Mundus Scientificus" +(ut aiunt) crumenam meam ampliter repleret. Nullam, attamen, ex agro +illo meo parvulo segetem demessui, praeter gaudium vacuum bene de +Republica merendi. Iste panis meus pretiosus super aquas literarias +faeculentas praefidenter jactus, quasi Harpyiarum quarundam (scilicet +bibliopolarum istorum facinorosorum supradictorum) tactu rancidus, intra +perpaucos dies mihi domum rediit. Et, quum ipse tali victu ali non +tolerarem, primum in mentem venit pistori (typographo nempe) nihilominus +solvendum esse. Animum non idcirco demisi, imo aeque ac pueri naviculas +suas penes se lino retinent (eo ut e recto cursu delapsas ad ripam +retrahant), sic ego Argo meam chartaceam fluctibus laborantem a quaesitu +velleris aurei, ipse potius tonsus pelleque exutus, mente solida +revocavi. Metaphoram ut mutem, _boomarangam_ meam a scopo aberrantem +retraxi, dum majore vi, occasione ministrante, adversus Fortunam +intorquerem. Ast mihi, talia volventi, et, sicut Saturnus ille +{paidoboros}, liberos intellectus mei depascere fidenti, casus +miserandus, nec antea inauditus, supervenit. Nam, ut ferunt Scythas +pietatis causa et parsimoniae, parentes suos mortuos devorasse, sic +filius hic meus primogenitus, Scythis ipsis minus mansuetus, patrem +vivum totum et calcitrantem exsorbere enixus est. Nec tamen hac de causa +sobolem meam esurientem exheredavi. Sed famem istam pro valido +testimonio virilitatis roborisque potius habui, cibumque ad eam +satiandam salva paterna mea carne, petii. Et quia bilem illam +scaturientem ad aes etiam concoquendum idoneam esse estimabam, unde aes +alienum, ut minoris pretii, haberem, circumspexi. Rebus ita se +habentibus, ab avunculo meo Johanne Doolittle, Armigero, impetravi ut +pecunias necessarias suppeditaret, ne opus esset mihi universitatem +relinquendi antequam ad gradum primum in artibus pervenissem. Tunc ego, +salvum facere patronum meum munificum maxime cupiens, omnes libros primae +editionis operis mei non venditos una cum privilegio in omne aevum +ejusdem imprimendi et edendi avunculo meo dicto pigneravi. Ex illo die, +atro lapide notando, curae vociferantes familiae singulis annis crescentis +eo usque insultabant ut nunquam tam carum pignus e vinculis istis +aheneis solvere possem. + +Avunculo vero nuper mortuo, quum inter alios consanguineos testamenti +ejus lectionem audiendi causa advenissem, erectis auribus verba talia +sequentia accepi:--"Quoniam persuasum habeo meum dilectum nepotem +Homerum, longa et intima rerum angustarum domi experientia, aptissimum +esse qui divitias tueatur, beneficenterque ac prudenter iis divinis +creditis utatur,--ergo, motus hisce cogitationibus, exque amore meo in +illum magno, do, legoque nepoti caro meo supranominato omnes +singularesque istas possessiones nec ponderabiles nec computabiles meas +quae sequuntur, scilicet: quingentos libros quos mihi pigneravit dictus +Homerus, anno lucis 1792, cum privilegio edendi et repetendi opus istud +'scientificum' (quod dicunt) suum, si sic elegerit. Tamen D. O. M. +precor oculos Homeri nepotis mei ita aperiat eumque moveat, ut libros +istos in bibliotheca unius e plurimis castellis suis Hispaniensibus tuto +abscondat." + +His verbis (vix credibilibus) auditis, cor meum in pectore exsultavit. +Deinde, quoniam tractatus Anglice scriptus spem auctoris fefellerat, +quippe quum studium Historiae Naturalis in Republica nostra inter +factionis strepitum languescat, Latine versum edere statui, et eo potius +quia nescio quomodo disciplina academica et duo diplomata proficiant, +nisi quod peritos linguarum omnino mortuarum (et damnandarum, ut dicebat +iste {panourgos} Gulielmus Cobbett) nos faciant. + +Et mihi adhuc superstes est tota illa editio prima, quam quasi +crepitaculum per quod dentes caninos dentibam retineo. + + * * * * * + + OPERIS SPECIMEN. + + (_Ad exemplum Johannis Physiophili speciminis Monachologiae._) + + 12. S. B. _Militaris_, WILBUR. _Carnifex_, JABLONSK. _Profanus_, + DESFONT. + + [Male hancce speciem _Cyclopem_, Fabricius vocat, ut qui singulo + oculo ad quod sui interest distinguitur. Melius vero Isaacus Outis + nullum inter S. milit. S. que Belzebul (Fabric. 152) discrimen esse + defendit.] + + Habitat civitat. Americ. austral. + + Aureis lineis splendidus; plerumque tamen sordidus, utpote lanienas + valde frequentans, f[oe]tore sanguinis allectus. Amat quoque insuper + septa apricari, neque inde, nisi maxima conatione, detruditur. + _Candidatus_ ergo populariter vocatus. Caput cristam quasi pennarum + ostendit. Pro cibo vaccam publicam callide mulget; abdomen enorme; + facultas suctus haud facile estimanda. Otiosus, fatuus; ferox + nihilominus, semperque dimicare paratus. Tortuose repit. + + Capite saepe maxima cum cura dissecto, ne illud rudimentum etiam + cerebri commune omnibus prope insectis detegere poteram. + + Unam de hoc S. milit. rem singularem notavi; nam S. Guineeus. + (Fabric. 143) servos facit, et idcirco a multis summa in reverentia + habitus, quasi scintillas rationis paene humanae demonstrans. + + 24. S. B. _Criticus_, WILBUR. _Zoilus_, FABRIC. _Pygmaeus_, CARLSEN. + + [Stultissime Johannes Stryx cum S. punctato (Fabric. 64-109) + confundit. Specimina quam plurima scrutationi microscopicae subjeci, + nunquam tamen unum ulla indicia puncti cujusvis prorsus ostendentem + inveni.] + + Praecipue formidolosus, insectatusque, in proxima rima anonyma sese + abscondit, _we, we_, creberrime stridens. Ineptus, segnipes. + + Habitat ubique gentium; in sicco; nidum suum terebratione indefessa + aedificans. Cibus. Libros depascit; siccos praecipue seligens, et + forte succidum + + + + + THE BIGLOW PAPERS. + + + + + _MELIB[OE]US-HIPPONAX._ + + + THE + + BIGLOW PAPERS, + + + EDITED, + + WITH AN INTRODUCTION, NOTES, GLOSSARY, + AND COPIOUS INDEX, + + + BY HOMER WILBUR, A.M. + + PASTOR OF THE FIRST CHURCH IN JAALAM, AND (PROSPECTIVE) MEMBER OF + MANY LITERARY, LEARNED, AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETIES, + (_for which see page_ xlvii.) + + + The ploughman's whistle, or the trivial flute, + Finds more respect than great Apollo's lute. + _Quarles's Emblems_, B. II. E. 8. + + + Margaritas, munde porcine, calcasti: en, siliquas accipe. + _Jaa. Car. Fil. ad Pub. Leg._ Sec. 1. + + + + +NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE + + +It will not have escaped the attentive eye, that I have, on the +title-page, omitted those honorary appendages to the editorial name +which not only add greatly to the value of every book, but whet and +exacerbate the appetite of the reader. For not only does he surmise that +an honorary membership of literary and scientific societies implies a +certain amount of necessary distinction on the part of the recipient of +such decorations, but he is willing to trust himself more entirely to an +author who writes under the fearful responsibility of involving the +reputation of such bodies as the _S. Archaeol. Dahom._, or the _Acad. +Lit. et Scient. Kamtschat._ I cannot but think that the early editions +of Shakspeare and Milton would have met with more rapid and general +acceptance, but for the barrenness of their respective title-pages; and +I believe that, even now, a publisher of the works of either of those +justly distinguished men would find his account in procuring their +admission to the membership of learned bodies on the Continent,--a +proceeding no whit more incongruous than the reversal of the judgment +against Socrates, when he was already more than twenty centuries beyond +the reach of antidotes, and when his memory had acquired a deserved +respectability. I conceive that it was a feeling of the importance of +this precaution which induced Mr. Locke to style himself "Gent." on the +title-page of his Essay, as who should say to his readers that they +could receive his metaphysics on the honor of a gentleman. + +Nevertheless, finding, that, without descending to a smaller size of +type than would have been compatible with the dignity of the several +societies to be named, I could not compress my intended list within the +limits of a single page, and thinking, moreover, that the act would +carry with it an air of decorous modesty, I have chosen to take the +reader aside, as it were, into my private closet, and there not only +exhibit to him the diplomas which I already possess, but also to furnish +him with a prophetic vision of those which I may, without undue +presumption, hope for, as not beyond the reach of human ambition and +attainment. And I am the rather induced to this from the fact, that my +name has been unaccountably dropped from the last triennial catalogue of +our beloved _Alma Mater_. Whether this is to be attributed to the +difficulty of Latinizing any of those honorary adjuncts (with a complete +list of which I took care to furnish the proper persons nearly a year +beforehand), or whether it had its origin in any more culpable motives, +I forbear to consider in this place, the matter being in course of +painful investigation. But, however this may be, I felt the omission the +more keenly, as I had, in expectation of the new catalogue, enriched the +library of the Jaalam Athenaeum with the old one then in my possession, +by which means it has come about that my children will be deprived of a +never-wearying winter-evening's amusement in looking out the name of +their parent in that distinguished roll. Those harmless innocents had at +least committed no----but I forbear, having intrusted my reflections and +animadversions on this painful topic to the safe-keeping of my private +diary, intended for posthumous publication. I state this fact here, in +order that certain nameless individuals, who are, perhaps, overmuch +congratulating themselves upon my silence, may know that a rod is in +pickle which the vigorous hand of a justly incensed posterity will apply +to their memories. + +The careful reader will note, that, in the list which I have prepared, I +have included the names of several Cisatlantic societies to which a +place is not commonly assigned in processions of this nature. I have +ventured to do this, not only to encourage native ambition and genius, +but also because I have never been able to perceive in what way distance +(unless we suppose them at the end of a lever) could increase the weight +of learned bodies. As far as I have been able to extend my researches +among such stuffed specimens as occasionally reach America, I have +discovered no generic difference between the antipodal _Fogrum +Japonicum_ and the _F. Americanum_ sufficiently common in our own +immediate neighbourhood. Yet, with a becoming deference to the popular +belief, that distinctions of this sort are enhanced in value by every +additional mile they travel, I have intermixed the names of some +tolerably distant literary and other associations with the rest. + +I add here, also, an advertisement, which, that it may be the more +readily understood by those persons especially interested therein, I +have written in that curtailed and otherwise maltreated canine Latin, to +the writing and reading of which they are accustomed. + + +OMNIB. PER TOT. ORB. TERRAR. CATALOG. ACADEM. EDD. + +Minim. gent. diplom. ab inclytiss. acad. vest. orans, vir. honorand. +operosiss., at sol. ut sciat. quant. glor. nom. meum (dipl. fort. +concess.) catal. vest. temp. futur. affer., ill. subjec., addit. omnib. +titul. honorar. qu. adh. non tant. opt. quam probab. put. + +*** _Litt. Uncial. distinx. ut Praes. S. Hist. Nat. Jaal._ + +_HOMERUS WILBUR_, Mr., Episc. Jaalam. S. T. D. 1850, et Yal. 1849, et +Neo-Caes. et Brun. et Gulielm. 1852, et Gul. et Mar. et Bowd. et +Georgiop. et Viridimont. et Columb. Nov. Ebor. 1853, et Amherst. et +Watervill. et S. Jarlath. Hib. et S. Mar. et S. Joseph. et S. And. Scot. +1854, et Nashvill et Dart. et Dickins. et Concord. et Wash. et +Columbian. et Charlest. et Jeff. et Dubl. et Oxon. et Cantab. et caet. +1855, P. U. N. C. H. et J. U. D. Gott. et Osnab. et Heidelb. 1860, et +Acad. BORE US. Berolin. Soc. et SS. RR. Lugd. Bat. et Patav. et Lond. et +Edinb. et Ins. Feejee. et Null. Terr. et Pekin. Soc. Hon. et S. H. S. et +S. P. A. et A. A. S. et S. Humb. Univ. et S. Omn. Rer. Quarund. q. +Aliar. Promov. Passamaquod. et H. P. C. et I. O. H. et {A. D. Ph.} et +{P. K. R.} et {Ph. B. K.} et Peucin. et Erosoph. et Philadelph. et Frat. +in Unit. et {S. T.} et S. Archaeolog. Athen. et Acad. Scient. et Lit. +Panorm. et SS. R. H. Matrit. et Beeloochist. et Caffrar. et Caribb. et +M. S. Reg. Paris. et S. Am. Antiserv. Soc. Hon. et P. D. Gott. et LL.D. +1852, et D.C.L. et Mus. Doc. Oxon. 1860, et M. M. S. S. et M.D. 1854, et +Med. Fac. Univ. Harv. Soc. et S. pro Convers. Pollywog. Soc. Hon. et +Higgl. Piggl. et LL.B. 1853, et S. pro Christianiz. Moschet. Soc., et +SS. Ante-Diluv. ubiq. Gent. Soc. Hon. et Civit. Cleric. Jaalam. et S. +pro Diffus. General. Tenebr. Secret. Corr. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +When, more than three years ago, my talented young parishioner, Mr. +Biglow, came to me and submitted to my animadversions the first of his +poems which he intended to commit to the more hazardous trial of a city +newspaper, it never so much as entered my imagination to conceive that +his productions would ever be gathered into a fair volume, and ushered +into the august presence of the reading public by myself. So little are +we short-sighted mortals able to predict the event! I confess that there +is to me a quite new satisfaction in being associated (though only as +sleeping partner) in a book which can stand by itself in an independent +unity on the shelves of libraries. For there is always this drawback +from the pleasure of printing a sermon, that, whereas the queasy stomach +of this generation will not bear a discourse long enough to make a +separate volume, those religious and godly-minded children (those +Samuels, if I may call them so) of the brain must at first lie buried in +an undistinguished heap, and then get such resurrection as is +vouchsafed to them, mummy-wrapt with a score of others in a cheap +binding, with no other mark of distinction than the word +"_Miscellaneous_" printed upon the back. Far be it from me to claim any +credit for the quite unexpected popularity which I am pleased to find +these bucolic strains have attained unto. If I know myself, I am +measurably free from the itch of vanity; yet I may be allowed to say +that I was not backward to recognize in them a certain wild, puckery, +acidulous (sometimes even verging toward that point which, in our rustic +phrase, is termed _shut-eye_) flavour, not wholly unpleasing, nor +unwholesome, to palates cloyed with the sugariness of tamed and +cultivated fruit. It may be, also, that some touches of my own, here and +there, may have led to their wider acceptance, albeit solely from my +larger experience of literature and authorship.[3] + +I was, at first, inclined to discourage Mr. Biglow's attempts, as +knowing that the desire to poetize is one of the diseases naturally +incident to adolescence, which, if the fitting remedies be not at once +and with a bold hand applied, may become chronic, and render one, who +might else have become in due time an ornament of the social circle, a +painful object even to nearest friends and relatives. But thinking, on a +further experience, that there was a germ of promise in him which +required only culture and the pulling up of weeds from around it, I +thought it best to set before him the acknowledged examples of English +compositions in verse, and leave the rest to natural emulation. With +this view, I accordingly lent him some volumes of Pope and Goldsmith, to +the assiduous study of which he promised to devote his evenings. Not +long afterwards he brought me some verses written upon that model, a +specimen of which I subjoin, having changed some phrases of less +elegancy, and a few rhymes objectionable to the cultivated ear. The poem +consisted of childish reminiscences, and the sketches which follow will +not seem destitute of truth to those whose fortunate education began in +a country village. And, first, let us hang up his charcoal portrait of +the school-dame. + + "Propt on the marsh, a dwelling now, I see + The humble school-house of my A, B, C, + Where well-drilled urchins, each behind his tire, + Waited in ranks the wished command to fire; + Then all together, when the signal came, + Discharged their _a-b abs_ against the dame, + Who, 'mid the volleyed learning, firm and calm, + Patted the furloughed ferule on her palm, + And, to our wonder, could detect at once, + Who flashed the pan, and who was downright dunce. + + There young Devotion learned to climb with ease + The gnarly limbs of Scripture family-trees, + And he was most commended and admired + Who soonest to the topmost twig perspired; + Each name was called as many various ways + As pleased the reader's ear on different days, + So that the weather, or the ferule's stings, + Colds in the head, or fifty other things, + Transformed the helpless Hebrew thrice a week + To guttural Pequot or resounding Greek, + The vibrant accent skipping here and there, + Just as it pleased invention or despair; + No controversial Hebraist was the Dame; + With or without the points pleased her the same; + If any tyro found a name too tough, + And looked at her, pride furnished skill enough; + She nerved her larynx for the desperate thing, + And cleared the five-barred syllables at a spring. + + Ah, dear old times! there once it was my hap, + Perched on a stool, to wear the long-eared cap; + From books degraded, there I sat at ease, + A drone, the envy of compulsory bees." + +I add only one further extract, which will possess a melancholy interest +to all such as have endeavoured to glean the materials of Revolutionary +history from the lips of aged persons, who took a part in the actual +making of it, and, finding the manufacture profitable, continued the +supply in an adequate proportion to the demand. + + "Old Joe is gone, who saw hot Percy goad + His slow artillery up the Concord road, + A tale which grew in wonder, year by year, + As, every time he told it, Joe drew near + To the main fight, till, faded and grown gray, + The original scene to bolder tints gave way; + Then Joe had heard the foe's scared double-quick + Beat on stove drum with one uncaptured stick, + And, ere death came the lengthening tale to lop, + Himself had fired, and seen a red-coat drop; + Had Joe lived long enough, that scrambling fight + Had squared more nearly to his sense of right, + And vanquished Percy, to complete the tale, + Had hammered stone for life in Concord jail." + +I do not know that the foregoing extracts ought not to be called my own +rather than Mr. Biglow's, as, indeed, he maintained stoutly that my file +had left nothing of his in them. I should not, perhaps, have felt +entitled to take so great liberties with them, had I not more than +suspected an hereditary vein of poetry in myself, a very near ancestor +having written a Latin poem in the Harvard _Gratulatio_ on the accession +of George the Third. Suffice it to say, that, whether not satisfied with +such limited approbation as I could conscientiously bestow, or from a +sense of natural inaptitude, I know not, certain it is that my young +friend could never be induced to any further essays in this kind. He +affirmed that it was to him like writing in a foreign tongue,--that Mr. +Pope's versification was like the regular ticking of one of Willard's +clocks, in which one could fancy, after long listening, a certain kind +of rhythm or tune, but which yet was only a poverty-stricken _tick, +tick_ after all,--and that he had never seen a sweet-water on a trellis +growing so fairly, or in forms so pleasing to his eye, as a fox-grape +over a scrub-oak in a swamp. He added I know not what, to the effect +that the sweet-water would only be the more disfigured by having its +leaves starched and ironed out, and that Peg[=a]sus (so he called him) +hardly looked right with his mane and tail in curl-papers. These and +other such opinions I did not long strive to eradicate, attributing them +rather to a defective education and senses untuned by too long +familiarity with purely natural objects, than to a perverted moral +sense. I was the more inclined to this leniency since sufficient +evidence was not to seek, that his verses, as wanting as they certainly +were in classic polish and point, had somehow taken hold of the public +ear in a surprising manner. So, only setting him right as to the +quantity of the proper name Pegasus, I left him to follow the bent of +his natural genius. + +There are two things upon which it would seem fitting to dilate somewhat +more largely in this place,--the Yankee character and the Yankee +dialect. And, first, of the Yankee character, which has wanted neither +open maligners, nor even more dangerous enemies in the persons of those +unskilful painters who have given to it that hardness, angularity, and +want of proper perspective, which, in truth, belonged, not to their +subject, but to their own niggard and unskilful pencil. + +New England was not so much the colony of a mother country, as a Hagar +driven forth into the wilderness. The little self-exiled band which came +hither in 1620 came, not to seek gold, but to found a democracy. They +came that they might have the privilege to work and pray, to sit upon +hard benches and listen to painful preachers as long as they would, yea, +even unto thirty-seventhly, if the spirit so willed it. And surely, if +the Greek might boast his Thermopylae, where three hundred men fell in +resisting the Persian, we may well be proud of our Plymouth Rock, where +a handful of men, women, and children not merely faced, but vanquished, +winter, famine, the wilderness, and the yet more invincible _storge_ +that drew them back to the green island far away. These found no lotus +growing upon the surly shore, the taste of which could make them forget +their little native Ithaca; nor were they so wanting to themselves in +faith as to burn their ship, but could see the fair west wind belly the +homeward sail, and then turn unrepining to grapple with the terrible +Unknown. + +As Want was the prime foe these hardy exodists had to fortress themselves +against, so it is little wonder if that traditional feud is long in wearing +out of the stock. The wounds of the old warfare were long ahealing, and an +east wind of hard times puts a new ache in every one of them. Thrift was +the first lesson in their horn-book, pointed out, letter after letter, by +the lean finger of the hard schoolmaster, Necessity. Neither were those +plump, rosy-gilled Englishmen that came hither, but a hard-faced, +atrabilious, earnest-eyed race, stiff from long wrestling with the Lord in +prayer, and who had taught Satan to dread the new Puritan hug. Add two +hundred years' influence of soil, climate, and exposure, with its necessary +result of idiosyncrasies, and we have the present Yankee, full of +expedients, half-master of all trades, inventive in all but the beautiful, +full of shifts, not yet capable of comfort, armed at all points against the +old enemy Hunger, longanimous, good at patching, not so careful for what is +best as for what will _do_, with a clasp to his purse and a button to his +pocket, not skilled to build against Time, as in old countries, but against +sore-pressing Need, accustomed to move the world with no {pou sto} but his +own two feet, and no lever but his own long forecast. A strange hybrid, +indeed, did circumstance beget, here in the New World, upon the old Puritan +stock, and the earth never before saw such mystic-practicalism, such +niggard-geniality, such calculating-fanaticism, such cast-iron-enthusiasm, +such unwilling humour, such close-fisted-generosity. This new _Graeculus +esuriens_ will make a living out of any thing. He will invent new trades +as well as tools. His brain is his capital, and he will get education at +all risks. Put him on Juan Fernandez, and he would make a spelling-book +first, and a salt-pan afterwards. _In c[oe]lum, jusseris, ibit_,--or the +other way either,--it is all one, so any thing is to be got by it. Yet, +after all, thin, speculative Jonathan is more like the Englishman of two +centuries ago than John Bull himself is. He has lost somewhat in +solidity, has become fluent and adaptable, but more of the original +groundwork of character remains. He feels more at home with Fulke +Greville, Herbert of Cherbury, Quarles, George Herbert, and Browne, than +with his modern English cousins. He is nearer than John, by at least a +hundred years, to Naseby, Marston Moor, Worcester, and the time when, if +ever, there were true Englishmen. John Bull has suffered the idea of the +Invisible to be very much flattened out of him. Jonathan is conscious +still that he lives in the world of the Unseen as well as of the Seen. +To move John, you must make your fulcrum of solid beef and pudding; an +abstract idea will do for Jonathan. + + * * * * * + +*** TO THE INDULGENT READER. + +My friend, the Rev. Mr. Wilbur, having been seized with a dangerous fit +of illness, before this Introduction had passed through the press, and +being incapacitated for all literary exertion, sent to me his notes, +memoranda, &c., and requested me to fashion them into some shape more +fitting for the general eye. This, owing to the fragmentary and +disjointed state of his manuscripts, I have felt wholly unable to do; +yet, being unwilling that the reader should be deprived of such parts of +his lucubrations as seemed more finished, and not well discerning how to +segregate these from the rest, I have concluded to send them all to the +press precisely as they are. + +COLUMBUS NYE, _Pastor of a Church in Bungtown Corner_. + + * * * * * + +It remains to speak of the Yankee dialect. And, first, it may be +premised, in a general way, that any one much read in the writings of +the early colonists need not be told that the far greater share of the +words and phrases now esteemed peculiar to New England, and local there, +were brought from the mother-country. A person familiar with the dialect +of certain portions of Massachusetts will not fail to recognize, in +ordinary discourse, many words now noted in English vocabularies as +archaic, the greater part of which were in common use about the time of +the King James translation of the Bible. Shakspeare stands less in need +of a glossary to most New Englanders than to many a native of the Old +Country. The peculiarities of our speech, however, are rapidly wearing +out. As there is no country where reading is so universal and newspapers +are so multitudinous, so no phrase remains long local, but is +transplanted in the mail-bags to every remotest corner of the land. +Consequently our dialect approaches nearer to uniformity than that of +any other nation. + +The English have complained of us for coining new words. Many of those +so stigmatized were old ones by them forgotten, and all make now an +unquestioned part of the currency, wherever English is spoken. +Undoubtedly, we have a right to make new words, as they are needed by +the fresh aspects under which life presents itself here in the New +World; and, indeed, wherever a language is alive, it grows. It might be +questioned whether we could not establish a stronger title to the +ownership of the English tongue than the mother-islanders themselves. +Here, past all question, is to be its great home and centre. And not +only is it already spoken here by greater numbers, but with a far higher +popular average of correctness, than in Britain. The great writers of +it, too, we might claim as ours, were ownership to be settled by the +number of readers and lovers. + +As regards the provincialisms to be met with in this volume, I may say +that the reader will not find one which is not (as I believe) either +native or imported with the early settlers, nor one which I have not, +with my own ears, heard in familiar use. In the metrical portion of the +book, I have endeavoured to adapt the spelling as nearly as possible to +the ordinary mode of pronunciation. Let the reader who deems me +overparticular remember this caution of Martial:-- + + "_Quem recitas, meus est, O Fidentine, libellus; + Sed male cum recitas, incipit esse tuus._" + +A few further explanatory remarks will not be impertinent. + +I shall barely lay down a few general rules for the reader's guidance. + +1. The genuine Yankee never gives the rough sound to the _r_ when he can +help it, and often displays considerable ingenuity in avoiding it even +before a vowel. + +2. He seldom sounds the final _g_, a piece of self-denial, if we +consider his partiality for nasals. The same of the final _d_, as _han'_ +and _stan'_ for _hand_ and _stand_. + +3. The _h_ in such words as _while_, _when_, _where_, he omits +altogether. + +4. In regard to _a_, he shows some inconsistency, sometimes giving a +close and obscure sound, as _hev_ for _have_, _hendy_ for _handy_, _ez_ +for _as_, _thet_ for _that_, and again giving it the broad sound it has +in _father_, as _hansome_ for _handsome_. + +5. To the sound _ou_ he prefixes an _e_ (hard to exemplify otherwise +than orally). + +The following passage in Shakspeare he would recite thus:-- + + "Neow is the winta uv eour discontent + Med glorious summa by this sun o' Yock, + An' all the cleouds thet leowered upun eour heouse + In the deep buzzum o' the oshin buried; + Neow air eour breows beound 'ith victorious wreaths; + Eour breused arms hung up fer monimunce; + Eour starn alarums ch[)a]nged to merry meetins, + Eour dreffle marches to delightful measures. + Grim-visaged war heth smeuthed his wrinkled front, + An' neow, instid o' mountin' barebid steeds + To fright the souls o' ferfle edverseries, + He capers nimly in a lady's ch[)a]mber, + To the lascivious pleasin' uv a loot." + +6. _Au_, in such words as _daughter_ and _slaughter_, he pronounces +_ah_. + +7. To the dish thus seasoned add a drawl _ad libitum_. + + +[Mr. Wilbur's notes here become entirely fragmentary.--C. N.] + + +{a}. Unable to procure a likeness of Mr. Biglow, I thought the curious +reader might be gratified with a sight of the editorial effigies. And +here a choice between two was offered,--the one a profile (entirely +black) cut by Doyle, the other a portrait painted by a native artist of +much promise. The first of these seemed wanting in expression, and in +the second a slight obliquity of the visual organs has been heightened +(perhaps from an over-desire of force on the part of the artist) into +too close an approach to actual _strabismus_. This slight divergence in +my optical apparatus from the ordinary model--however I may have been +taught to regard it in the light of a mercy rather than a cross, since +it enabled me to give as much of directness and personal application to +my discourses as met the wants of my congregation, without risk of +offending any by being supposed to have him or her in my eye (as the +saying is)--seemed yet to Mrs. Wilbur a sufficient objection to the +engraving of the aforesaid painting. We read of many who either +absolutely refused to allow the copying of their features, as especially +did Plotinus and Agesilaus among the ancients, not to mention the more +modern instances of Scioppius Palaeottus, Pinellus, Velserus, Gataker, +and others, or were indifferent thereto, as Cromwell. + +{b}. Yet was Caesar desirous of concealing his baldness. _Per contra_, my +Lord Protector's carefulness in the matter of his wart might be cited. +Men generally more desirous of being _improved_ in their portraits than +characters. Shall probably find very unflattered likenesses of ourselves +in Recording Angel's gallery. + + * * * * * + +{g}. Whether any of our national peculiarities may be traced to our use +of stoves, as a certain closeness of the lips in pronunciation, and a +smothered smoulderingness of disposition, seldom roused to open flame? +An unrestrained intercourse with fire probably conducive to generosity +and hospitality of soul. Ancient Mexicans used stoves, as the friar +Augustin Ruiz reports, Hakluyt, III., 468,--but Popish priests not +always reliable authority. + +To-day picked my Isabella grapes. Crop injured by attacks of rose-bug in +the spring. Whether Noah was justifiable in preserving this class of +insects? + +{d}. Concerning Mr. Biglow's pedigree. Tolerably certain that there was +never a poet among his ancestors. An ordination hymn attributed to a +maternal uncle, but perhaps a sort of production not demanding the +creative faculty. + +His grandfather a painter of the grandiose or Michael Angelo school. +Seldom painted objects smaller than houses or barns, and these with +uncommon expression. + + * * * * * + +{e}. Of the Wilburs no complete pedigree. The crest said to be a _wild +boar_, whence, perhaps, the name. (?) A connection with the Earls of +Wilbraham (_quasi_ wild boar ham) might be made out. This suggestion +worth following up. In 1677, John W. m. Expect ----, had issue, 1. John, +2. Haggai, 3. Expect, 4. Ruhamah, 5. Desire. + + "Hear lyes y^e bodye of Mrs Expect Wilber, + Y^e crewell salvages they kil'd her + Together w^th other Christian soles eleaven, + October y^e ix daye, 1707. + Y^e stream of Jordan sh' as crost ore + And now expeacts me on y^e other shore: + I live in hope her soon to join; + Her earthlye yeeres were forty and nine." + _From Gravestone in Pekussett, North Parish._ + +This is unquestionably the same John who afterward (1711) married +Tabitha Hagg or Rag. + +But if this were the case, she seems to have died early; for only three +years after, namely, 1714, we have evidence that he married Winifred, +daughter of Lieutenant Tipping. + +He seems to have been a man of substance, for we find him in 1696 +conveying "one undivided eightieth part of a salt-meadow" in Yabbok, and +he commanded a sloop in 1702. + +Those who doubt the importance of genealogical studies _fuste potius +quam argumento erudiendi_. + +I trace him as far as 1723, and there lose him. In that year he was +chosen selectman. + +No gravestone. Perhaps overthrown when new hearse-house was built, 1802. + +He was probably the son of John, who came from Bilham Comit. Salop. +circa 1642. + +This first John was a man of considerable importance, being twice +mentioned with the honourable prefix of _Mr._ in the town records. Name +spelt with two _l_-s. + + "Hear lyeth y^e bod [_stone unhappily broken_.] + Mr. Ihon Willber [Esq.] [_I inclose this in brackets as doubtful. To + me it seems clear._] + Ob't die [_illegible; looks like xviii._] ... iii [_prob. 1693._] + ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... paynt + ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... deseased seinte: + A friend and [fath]er untoe all y^e opreast, + Hee gave y^e wicked familists noe reast, + When Sat[an bl]ewe his Antinomian blaste, + Wee clong to [Willber as a steadf]ast maste. + [A]gaynst y^e horrid Qua[kers]...." + +It is greatly to be lamented that this curious epitaph is mutilated. It +is said that the sacrilegious British soldiers made a target of this +stone during the war of Independence. How odious an animosity which +pauses not at the grave! How brutal that which spares not the monuments +of authentic history! This is not improbably from the pen of Rev. Moddy +Pyram, who is mentioned by Hubbard as having been noted for a silver +vein of poetry. If his papers be still extant, a copy might possibly be +recovered. + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[3] The reader curious in such matters may refer (if he can find them) +to "A Sermon preached on the Anniversary of the Dark Day," "An Artillery +Election Sermon," "A Discourse on the Late Eclipse," "Dorcas, a Funeral +Sermon on the Death of Madam Submit Tidd, Relict of the late Experience +Tidd, Esq." &c. &c. + + + + +THE BIGLOW PAPERS. + + + + +No. I. + +A LETTER + + FROM MR. EZEKIEL BIGLOW OF JAALAM TO THE HON. JOSEPH + T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, INCLOSING + A POEM OF HIS SON, MR. HOSEA BIGLOW. + + + JAYLEM, june 1846. + +MISTER EDDYTER:--Our Hosea wuz down to Boston last week, and he see a +cruetin Sarjunt a struttin round as popler as a hen with 1 chicking, +with 2 fellers a drummin and fifin arter him like all nater. the sarjunt +he thout Hosea hedn't gut his i teeth cut cos he looked a kindo's though +he'd jest com down, so he cal'lated to hook him in, but Hosy woodn't +take none o' his sarse for all he hed much as 20 Rooster's tales stuck +onto his hat and eenamost enuf brass a bobbin up and down on his +shoulders and figureed onto his coat and trousis, let alone wut nater +hed sot in his featers, to make a 6 pounder out on. + +wal, Hosea he com home considerabal riled, and arter I d gone to bed I +heern Him a thrashin round like a short-tailed Bull in fli-time. The old +Woman ses she to me ses she, Zekle, ses she, our Hosee's gut the +chollery or suthin anuther ses she, don't you Bee skeered, ses I, he's +oney amakin pottery[4] ses i, he's ollers on hand at that ere busynes +like Da & martin, and shure enuf, cum mornin, Hosy he cum down stares +full chizzle, hare on eend and cote tales flyin, and sot rite of to go +reed his varses to Parson Wilbur bein he haint aney grate shows o' book +larnin himself, bimeby he cum back and sed the parson wuz dreffle +tickled with 'em as i hoop you will Be, and said they wuz True grit. + +Hosea ses taint hardly fair to call 'em hisn now, cos the parson kind o' +slicked off sum o' the last varses, but he told Hosee he didn't want to +put his ore in to tetch to the Rest on 'em, bein they wuz verry well As +thay wuz, and then Hosy ses he sed suthin a nuther about Simplex +Mundishes or sum sech feller, but I guess Hosea kind o' didn't hear him, +for I never hearn o' nobody o' that name in this villadge, and I've +lived here man and boy 76 year cum next tater diggin, and thair aint no +wheres a kitting spryer 'n I be. + +If you print 'em I wish you'd jest let folks know who hosy's father is, +cos my ant Keziah used to say it's nater to be curus ses she, she aint +livin though and he's a likely kind o' lad. + + EZEKIEL BIGLOW. + + * * * * * + + Thrash away, you 'll _hev_ to rattle + On them kittle drums o' yourn,-- + 'Taint a knowin' kind o' cattle + Thet is ketched with mouldy corn; + Put in stiff, you fifer feller, + Let folks see how spry you be,-- + Guess you 'll toot till you are yeller + 'Fore you git ahold o' me! + + Thet air flag 's a leetle rotten, + Hope it aint your Sunday's best;-- + Fact! it takes a sight o' cotton + To stuff out a soger's chest: + Sence we farmers hev to pay fer 't, + Ef you must wear humps like these, + Sposin' you should try salt hay fer 't, + It would du ez slick ez grease. + + 'T would n't suit them Southern fellers, + They 're a dreffle graspin' set, + We must ollers blow the bellers + Wen they want their irons het; + May be it 's all right ez preachin', + But _my_ narves it kind o' grates, + Wen I see the overreachin' + O' them nigger-drivin' States. + + Them thet rule us, them slave-traders, + Haint they cut a thunderin' swarth + (Helped by Yankee renegaders), + Thru the vartu o' the North! + We begin to think it 's nater + To take sarse an' not be riled;-- + Who 'd expect to see a tater + All on eend at bein' biled? + + Ez fer war, I call it murder,-- + There you hev it plain an' flat; + I don't want to go no furder + Than my Testyment fer that; + God hez sed so plump an' fairly, + It 's ez long ez it is broad, + An' you 've gut to git up airly + Ef you want to take in God. + + 'Taint your eppyletts an' feathers + Make the thing a grain more right; + Taint afollerin' your bell-wethers + Will excuse ye in His sight; + Ef you take a sword an' dror it, + An' go stick a feller thru, + Guv'ment aint to answer for it, + God 'll send the bill to you. + + Wut 's the use o' meetin-goin' + Every Sabbath, wet or dry, + Ef it 's right to go amowin' + Feller-men like oats an' rye? + I dunno but wut it's pooty + Trainin' round in bobtail coats,-- + But it 's curus Christian dooty + This ere cuttin' folks's throats. + + They may talk o' Freedom's airy + Tell they 're pupple in the face,-- + It 's a grand gret cemetary + Fer the barthrights of our race; + They jest want this Californy + So 's to lug new slave-states in + To abuse ye, an' to scorn ye, + An' to plunder ye like sin. + + Aint it cute to see a Yankee + Take sech everlastin' pains + All to git the Devil's thankee, + Helpin' on 'em weld their chains? + Wy, it 's jest ez clear ez figgers, + Clear ez one an' one make two, + Chaps thet make black slaves o' niggers + Want to make wite slaves o' you. + + Tell ye jest the eend I've come to + Arter cipherin' plaguy smart, + An' it makes a handy sum, tu, + Any gump could larn by heart; + Laborin' man an' laborin' woman + Hev one glory an' one shame, + Ev'y thin' thet 's done inhuman + Injers all on 'em the same. + + 'Taint by turnin' out to hack folks + You 're agoin' to git your right, + Nor by lookin' down on black folks + Coz you 're put upon by wite; + Slavery aint o' nary colour, + 'Taint the hide thet makes it wus, + All it keers fer in a feller + 'S jest to make him fill its pus. + + Want to tackle _me_ in, du ye? + I expect you 'll hev to wait; + Wen cold lead puts daylight thru ye + You 'll begin to kal'late; + 'Spose the crows wun't fall to pickin' + All the carkiss from your bones, + Coz you helped to give a lickin' + To them poor half-Spanish drones? + + Jest go home an' ask our Nancy + Wether I'd be sech a goose + Ez to jine ye,--guess you'd fancy + The etarnal bung wuz loose! + She wants me fer home consumption, + Let alone the hay 's to mow,-- + Ef you 're arter folks o' gumption, + You've a darned long row to hoe. + + Take them editors thet 's crowin' + Like a cockerel three months old,-- + Don't ketch any on 'em goin', + Though they _be_ so blasted bold; + _Aint_ they a prime set o' fellers? + 'Fore they think on 't they will sprout + (Like a peach thet's got the yellers), + With the meanness bustin' out. + + Wal, go 'long to help 'em stealin' + Bigger pens to cram with slaves, + Help the men thet 's ollers dealin' + Insults on your fathers' graves; + Help the strong to grind the feeble, + Help the many agin the few, + Help the men thet call your people + Witewashed slaves an' peddlin' crew! + + Massachusetts, God forgive her, + She's akneelin' with the rest, + She, thet ough' to ha' clung fer ever + In her grand old eagle-nest; + She thet ough' to stand so fearless + Wile the wracks are round her hurled, + Holdin' up a beacon peerless + To the oppressed of all the world! + + Haint they sold your coloured seamen? + Haint they made your env'ys wiz? + _Wut_ 'll make ye act like freemen? + _Wut_ 'll git your dander riz? + Come, I'll tell ye wut I 'm thinkin' + Is our dooty in this fix, + They 'd ha' done 't ez quick ez winkin' + In the days o' seventy-six. + + Clang the bells in every steeple, + Call all true men to disown + The tradoocers of our people, + The enslavers o' their own; + Let our dear old Bay State proudly + Put the trumpet to her mouth, + Let her ring this messidge loudly + In the ears of all the South:-- + + "I 'll return ye good fer evil + Much ez we frail mortils can, + But I wun't go help the Devil + Makin' man the cus o' man; + Call me coward, call me traiter, + Jest ez suits your mean idees,-- + Here I stand a tyrant-hater, + An' the friend o' God an Peace!" + + Ef I'd _my_ way I hed ruther + We should go to work an' part,-- + They take one way, we take t'other,-- + Guess it would n't break my heart; + Men hed ough' to put asunder + Them thet God has noways jined; + An' I should n't gretly wonder + Ef there 's thousands o' my mind. + + +[The first recruiting sergeant on record I conceive to have been that +individual who is mentioned in the Book of Job as _going to and fro in +the earth, and walking up and down in it_. Bishop Latimer will have him +to have been a bishop, but to me that other calling would appear more +congenial. The sect of Cainites is not yet extinct, who esteemed the +first-born of Adam to be the most worthy, not only because of that +privilege of primogeniture, but inasmuch as he was able to overcome and +slay his younger brother. That was a wise saying of the famous Marquis +Pescara to the Papal Legate, that _it was impossible for men to serve +Mars and Christ at the same time_. Yet in time past the profession of +arms was judged to be {kat' exochen} that of a gentleman, nor does this +opinion want for strenuous upholders even in our day. Must we suppose, +then, that the profession of Christianity was only intended for losels, +or, at best, to afford an opening for plebeian ambition? Or shall we +hold with that nicely metaphysical Pomeranian, Captain Vratz, who was +Count Koenigsmark's chief instrument in the murder of Mr. Thynne, that +the scheme of salvation has been arranged with an especial eye to the +necessities of the upper classes, and that "God would consider _a +gentleman_, and deal with him suitably to the condition and profession +he had placed him in"? It may be said of us all, _Exemplo plus quam +ratione vivimus_.--H. W.] + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[4] _Aut insanit, aut versus facit._--H. W. + + + + +No. II. + +A LETTER + + FROM MR. HOSEA BIGLOW TO THE HON. J. T. BUCKINGHAM, + EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, COVERING A LETTER FROM + MR. B. SAWIN, PRIVATE IN THE MASSACHUSETTS REGIMENT. + + +[This letter of Mr. Sawin's was not originally written in verse. Mr. +Biglow, thinking it peculiarly susceptible of metrical adornment, +translated it, so to speak, into his own vernacular tongue. This is not +the time to consider the question, whether rhyme be a mode of expression +natural to the human race. If leisure from other and more important +avocations be granted, I will handle the matter more at large in an +appendix to the present volume. In this place I will barely remark, that +I have sometimes noticed in the unlanguaged prattlings of infants a +fondness for alliteration, assonance, and even rhyme, in which natural +predisposition we may trace the three degrees through which our +Anglo-Saxon verse rose to its culmination in the poetry of Pope. I would +not be understood as questioning in these remarks that pious theory +which supposes that children, if left entirely to themselves, would +naturally discourse in Hebrew. For this the authority of one experiment +is claimed, and I could, with Sir Thomas Browne, desire its +establishment, inasmuch as the acquirement of that sacred tongue would +thereby be facilitated. I am aware that Herodotus states the conclusion +of Psammiticus to have been in favour of a dialect of the Phrygian. +But, beside the chance that a trial of this importance would hardly be +blessed to a Pagan monarch whose only motive was curiosity, we have on +the Hebrew side the comparatively recent investigation of James the +Fourth of Scotland. I will add to this prefatory remark, that Mr. Sawin, +though a native of Jaalam, has never been a stated attendant on the +religious exercises of my congregation. I consider my humble efforts +prospered in that not one of my sheep hath ever indued the wolf's +clothing of war, save for the comparatively innocent diversion of a +militia training. Not that my flock are backward to undergo the +hardships of _defensive_ warfare. They serve cheerfully in the great +army which fights even unto death _pro aris et focis_, accoutred with +the spade, the axe, the plane, the sledge, the spelling-book, and other +such effectual weapons against want and ignorance and unthrift. I have +taught them (under God) to esteem our human institutions as but tents of +a night, to be stricken whenever Truth puts the bugle to her lips, and +sounds a march to the heights of wider-viewed intelligence and more +perfect organization.--H. W.] + + +MISTER BUCKINUM, the follerin Billet was writ hum by a Yung feller of +our town that wuz cussed fool enuff to goe atrottin inter Miss Chiff +arter a Drum and fife. it ain't Nater for a feller to let on that he's +sick o' any bizness that He went intu off his own free will and a Cord, +but I rather cal'late he's middlin tired o' Voluntearin By this Time. I +bleeve u may put dependunts on his statemence. For I never heered nothin +bad on him let Alone his havin what Parson Wilbur calls a _pongshong_ +for cocktales, and he ses it wuz a soshiashun of idees sot him agoin +arter the Crootin Sargient cos he wore a cocktale onto his hat. + +his Folks gin the letter to me and i shew it to parson Wilbur and he ses +it oughter Bee printed. send It to mister Buckinum, ses he, i don't +ollers agree with him, ses he, but by Time,[5] ses he, I _du_ like a +feller that ain't a Feared. + +I have intusspussed a Few refleckshuns hear and thair. We're kind o' +prest with Hayin. + + Ewers respecfly, + + HOSEA BIGLOW. + + * * * * * + + This kind o' sogerin' aint a mite like our October trainin', + A chap could clear right out from there ef 't only looked like rainin'. + An' th' Cunnles, tu, could kiver up their shappoes with bandanners, + An' send the insines skootin' to the bar-room with their banners + (Fear o' gittin' on 'em spotted), an' a feller could cry quarter + Ef he fired away his ramrod arter tu much rum an' water. + + Recollect wut fun we hed, you 'n I an' Ezry Hollis, + Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the Cornwallis?[6] + This sort o' thing aint _jest_ like thet,--I wish thet I wuz + furder,--[7] + Nimepunce a day fer killin' folks comes kind o' low fer murder + (Wy I 've worked out to slarterin' some fer Deacon Cephas Billins, + An' in the hardest times there wuz I ollers tetched ten shillins), + There's sutthin' gits into my throat thet makes it hard to swaller, + It comes so nateral to think about a hempen collar; + It 's glory,--but, in spite o' all my tryin' to git callous, + I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gallus. + But wen it comes to _bein'_ killed,--I tell ye I felt streaked + The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz peaked; + Here's how it wuz: I started out to go to a fandango, + The sentinul he ups an' sez, "Thet 's furder 'an you can go." + "None o' your sarse," sez I; sez he, "Stan' back!" "Aint you a buster?" + Sez I, "I 'm up to all thet air, I guess I've ben to muster; + I know wy sentinuls air sot; you aint agoin' to eat us; + Caleb haint no monopoly to court the seenoreetas; + My folks to hum air full ez good ez hisn be, by golly!" + An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin' wut would folly, + The everlastin' cus he stuck his one-pronged pitchfork in me + An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I wuz an in'my. + Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in ole Funnel + Wen Mister Bolles he gin the sword to our Leftenant Cunnle + (It 's Mister Secondary Bolles,[8] thet writ the prize peace essay; + Thet 's wy he did n't list himself along o us, I dessay), + An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but don't put _his_ foot in it, + Coz human life 's so sacred thet he 's principled agin' it,-- + Though I myself can 't rightly see it 's any wus achokin' on 'em + Than puttin' bullets thru their lights, or with a bagnet pokin' on 'em; + How dreffle slick he reeled it off (like Blitz at our lyceum + Ahaulin' ribbins from his chops so quick you skeercely see 'em), + About the Anglo-Saxon race (an' saxons would be handy + To du the buryin' down here upon the Rio Grandy), + About our patriotic pas an' our star-spangled banner, + Our country's bird alookin' on an' singin' out hosanner, + An' how he (Mister B. himself) wuz happy fer Ameriky,-- + I felt, ez sister Patience sez, a leetle mite histericky. + I felt, I swon, ez though it wuz a dreffle kind o' privilege + Atrampin' round thru Boston streets among the gutter's drivelage; + I act'lly thought it wuz a treat to hear a little drummin', + An' it did bonyfidy seem millanyum wuz acomin' + Wen all on us got suits (darned like them wore in the state prison) + An' every feller felt ez though all Mexico wuz hisn.[9] + + This 'ere 's about the meanest place a skunk could wal diskiver + (Saltillo 's Mexican, I b'lieve, fer wut we call Saltriver). + The sort o' trash a feller gits to eat doos beat all nater, + I 'd give a year's pay fer a smell o' one good bluenose tater; + The country here thet Mister Bolles declared to be so charmin' + Throughout is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' varmin'. + He talked about delishis froots, but then it wuz a wopper all, + The holl on't 's mud an' prickly pears, with here an' there a + chapparal; + You see a feller peekin' out, an', fust you know, a lariat + Is round your throat an' you a copse, 'fore you can say, "Wut air ye + at?"[10] + You never see sech darned gret bugs (it may not be irrelevant + To say I 've seen a _scarabaeus pilularius_[11] big ez a year old + elephant), + The rigiment come up one day in time to stop a red bug + From runnin' off with Cunnle Wright,--'t wuz jest a common _cimex + lectularius_. + One night I started up on eend an' thought I wuz to hum agin, + I heern a horn, thinks I it 's Sol the fisherman hez come agin, + _His_ bellowses is sound enough,--ez I 'm a livin' creeter, + I felt a thing go thru my leg,--'t wuz nothin' more 'n a skeeter! + Then there 's the yaller fever, tu, they call it here el vomito,-- + (Come, thet wun't du, you landcrab there, I tell ye to le' _go_ my toe! + My gracious! it 's a scorpion thet 's took a shine to play with 't, + I dars n't skeer the tarnal thing fer fear he 'd run away with 't.) + Afore I come away from hum I hed a strong persuasion + Thet Mexicans worn't human beans,[12]--an ourang outang nation, + A sort o' folks a chap could kill an' never dream on 't arter, + No more 'n a feller 'd dream o' pigs thet he hed hed to slarter; + I 'd an idee thet they were built arter the darkie fashion all, + An' kickin' coloured folks about, you know, 's a kind o' national; + But wen I jined I worn't so wise ez thet air queen o' Sheby, + Fer, come to look at 'em, they aint much diff'rent from wut we be, + An' here we air ascrougin' 'em out o' thir own dominions, + Ashelterin' 'em, ez Caleb sez, under our eagle's pinions, + Wich means to take a feller up jest by the slack o' 's trowsis + An' walk him Spanish clean right out o' all his homes an' houses; + Wal, it doos seem a curus way, but then hooraw fer Jackson! + It must be right, fer Caleb sez it 's reg'lar Anglosaxon. + The Mex'cans don't fight fair, they say, they piz'n all the water, + An' du amazin' lots o' things thet is n't wut they ough' to; + Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' copper + An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, wich Caleb sez aint proper; + He sez they 'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 'em fairly + (Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he 'll hev to git up airly), + Thet our nation 's bigger 'n theirn an' so its rights air bigger, + An' thet it 's all to make 'em free thet we air pullin' trigger, + Thet Anglo Saxondom's idee 's abreakin' 'em to pieces, + An' thet idee 's thet every man doos jest wut he damn pleases; + Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some respex I can, + I know thet "every man" don't mean a nigger or a Mexican; + An' there 's another thing I know, an' thet is, ef these creeturs, + Thet stick an Anglosaxon mask onto State-prison feeturs, + Should come to Jaalam Centre fer to argify an' spout on 't, + The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they cleared out + on 't. + + This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agreeable feetur, + An' ef it worn't fer wakin' snakes, I 'd home agin short meter; + O, would n't I be off, quick time, ef 't worn't thet I wuz sartin + They 'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer desartin! + I don't approve o' tellin' tales, but jest to you I may state + Our ossifers aint wut they wuz afore they left the Bay-state; + Then it wuz "Mister Sawin, sir, you 're middlin' well now, be ye? + Step up an' take a nipper, sir; I 'm dreffle glad to see ye;" + But now it 's "Ware 's my eppylet? here, Sawin, step an' fetch it! + An' mind your eye, be thund'rin' spry, or, damn ye, you shall ketch + it!" + Wal, ez the Doctor sez, some pork will bile so, but by mighty, + Ef I hed some on 'em to hum, I 'd give 'em linkum vity, + I 'd play the rogue's march on their hides an' other music + follerin'---- + But I must close my letter here, for one on 'em 's ahollerin', + These Anglosaxon ossifers,--wal, taint no use ajawin', + I 'm safe enlisted fer the war, + + Yourn, + + BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN. + + +[Those have not been wanting (as, indeed, when hath Satan been to seek +for attorneys?) who have maintained that our late inroad upon Mexico was +undertaken, not so much for the avenging of any national quarrel, as for +the spreading of free institutions and of Protestantism. _Capita vix +duabus Anticyris medenda!_ Verily I admire that no pious sergeant among +these new Crusaders beheld Martin Luther riding at the front of the host +upon a tamed pontifical bull, as, in that former invasion of Mexico, the +zealous Diaz (spawn though he were of the Scarlet Woman) was favoured +with a vision of St. James of Compostella, skewering the infidels upon +his apostolical lance. We read, also, that Richard of the lion heart, +having gone to Palestine on a similar errand of mercy, was divinely +encouraged to cut the throats of such Paynims as refused to swallow the +bread of life (doubtless that they might be thereafter incapacitated for +swallowing the filthy gobbets of Mahound) by angels of heaven, who cried +to the king and his knights,--_Seigneurs, tuez! tuez!_ providentially +using the French tongue, as being the only one understood by their +auditors. This would argue for the pantoglottism of these celestial +intelligences, while, on the other hand, the Devil, _teste_ Cotton +Mather, is unversed in certain of the Indian dialects. Yet must he be a +semeiologist the most expert, making himself intelligible to every +people and kindred by signs; no other discourse, indeed, being needful, +than such as the mackerel-fisher holds with his finned quarry, who, if +other bait be wanting, can by a bare bit of white rag at the end of a +string captivate those foolish fishes. Such piscatorial oratory is Satan +cunning in. Before one he trails a hat and feather, or a bare feather +without a hat; before another, a Presidential chair, or a tidewaiter's +stool, or a pulpit in the city, no matter what. To us, dangling there +over our heads, they seem junkets dropped out of the seventh heaven, +sops dipped in nectar, but, once in our mouths, they are all one, bits +of fuzzy cotton. + +This, however, by the way. It is time now _revocare gradum_. While so +many miracles of this sort, vouched by eye-witnesses, have encouraged +the arms of Papists, not to speak of those _Dioscuri_ (whom we must +conclude imps of the pit) who sundry times captained the pagan Roman +soldiery, it is strange that our first American crusade was not in some +such wise also signalized. Yet it is said that the Lord hath manifestly +prospered our armies. This opens the question, whether, when our hands +are strengthened to make great slaughter of our enemies, it be +absolutely and demonstratively certain that this might is added to us +from above, or whether some Potentate from an opposite quarter may not +have a finger in it, as there are few pies into which his meddling +digits are not thrust. Would the Sanctifier and Setter-apart of the +seventh day have assisted in a victory gained on the Sabbath, as was one +in the late war? Or has that day become less an object of his especial +care since the year 1697, when so manifest a providence occurred to Mr. +William Trowbridge, in answer to whose prayers, when he and all on +shipboard with him were starving, a dolphin was sent daily, "which was +enough to serve 'em; only on _Saturdays_ they still catched a couple, +and on the _Lord's Days_ they could catch none at all"? Haply they might +have been permitted, by way of mortification, to take some few sculpins +(those banes of the salt-water angler), which unseemly fish would, +moreover, have conveyed to them a symbolical reproof for their breach of +the day, being known in the rude dialect of our mariners as _Cape Cod +Clergymen_. + +It has been a refreshment to many nice consciences to know that our +Chief Magistrate would not regard with eyes of approval the (by many +esteemed) sinful pastime of dancing, and I own myself to be so far of +that mind, that I could not but set my face against this Mexican Polka, +though danced to the Presidential piping with a Gubernatorial second. If +ever the country should be seized with another such mania _de propaganda +fide_, I think it would be wise to fill our bombshells with alternate +copies of the Cambridge Platform and the Thirty-nine Articles, which +would produce a mixture of the highest explosive power, and to wrap +every one of our cannon-balls in a leaf of the New Testament, the +reading of which is denied to those who sit in the darkness of Popery. +Those iron evangelists would thus be able to disseminate vital religion +and Gospel truth in quarters inaccessible to the ordinary missionary. I +have seen lads, unimpregnate with the more sublimated punctiliousness of +Walton, secure pickerel, taking their unwary _siesta_ beneath the +lily-pads too nigh the surface, with a gun and small shot. Why not, +then, since gunpowder was unknown to the apostles (not to enter here +upon the question whether it were discovered before that period by the +Chinese), suit our metaphor to the age in which we live, and say +_shooters_ as well as _fishers_ of men? + +I do much fear that we shall be seized now and then with a Protestant +fervour, as long as we have neighbour Naboths whose wallowings in +Papistical mire excite our horror in exact proportion to the size and +desirableness of their vineyards. Yet I rejoice that some earnest +Protestants have been made by this war,--I mean those who protested +against it. Fewer they were than I could wish, for one might imagine +America to have been colonized by a tribe of those nondescript African +animals the Aye-Ayes, so difficult a word is _No_ to us all. There is +some malformation or defect of the vocal organs, which either prevents +our uttering it at all, or gives it so thick a pronunciation as to be +unintelligible. A mouth filled with the national pudding, or watering in +expectation thereof, is wholly incompetent to this refractory +monosyllable. An abject and herpetic Public Opinion is the Pope, the +Anti-Christ, for us to protest against _e corde cordium_. And by what +College of Cardinals is this our God's-vicar, our binder and looser, +elected? Very like, by the sacred conclave of Tag, Rag, and Bobtail, the +gracious atmosphere of the grog-shop. Yet it is of this that we must all +be puppets. This thumps the pulpit-cushion, this guides the editor's +pen, this wags the senator's tongue. This decides what Scriptures are +canonical, and shuffles Christ away into the Apocrypha. According to +that sentence fathered upon Solon, {Houto demosion kakon erchetai oikad' +hekasto}. This unclean spirit is skilful to assume various shapes. I +have known it to enter my own study and nudge my elbow of a Saturday, +under the semblance of a wealthy member of my congregation. It were a +great blessing, if every particular of what in the sum we call popular +sentiment could carry about the name of its manufacturer stamped legibly +upon it. I gave a stab under the fifth rib to that pestilent +fallacy,--"Our country, right or wrong,"--by tracing its original to a +speech of Ensign Cilley at a dinner of the Bungtown Fencibles.--H. W.] + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[5] In relation to this expression, I cannot but think that Mr. Biglow +has been too hasty in attributing it to me. Though Time be a +comparatively innocent personage to swear by, and though Longinus in his +discourse {Peri Hypsous} has commended timely oaths as not only a useful +but sublime figure of speech, yet I have always kept my lips free from +that abomination. _Odi profanum vulgus_, I hate your swearing and +hectoring fellows.--H. W. + +[6] i hait the Site of a feller with a muskit as I du pizn But their +_is_ fun to a cornwallis I aint agoin' to deny it.--H. B. + +[7] he means Not quite so fur i guess.--H. B. + +[8] the ignerant creeter means Sekketary; but he ollers stuck to his +books like cobbler's wax to an ile-stone.--H. B. + +[9] it must be aloud that thare 's a streak o' nater in lovin' sho, but +it sartinly is 1 of the curusest things in nater to see a rispecktable +dri goods dealer (deekon off a chutch mayby) a riggin' himself out in +the Weigh they du and struttin' round in the Reign aspilin' his trowsis +and makin' wet goods of himself. Ef any thin 's foolisher and moor +dicklus than militerry gloary it is milishy gloary.--H. B. + +[10] these fellers are verry proppilly called Rank Heroes, and the more +tha kill the ranker and more Herowick tha bekum.--H. B. + +[11] it wuz "tumblebug" as he Writ it, but the parson put the Latten +instid. i sed tother maid better meeter, but he said tha was eddykated +peepl to Boston and tha would n't stan' it no how. idnow as tha _wood_ +and idnow _as_ tha wood.--H. B. + +[12] he means human beins, that 's wut he means. i spose he kinder +thought tha wuz human beans ware the Xisle Poles comes from.--H. B. + + + + +No. III. + +WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS. + + +[A few remarks on the following verses will not be out of place. The +satire in them was not meant to have any personal, but only a general, +application. Of the gentleman upon whose letter they were intended as a +commentary Mr. Biglow had never heard, till he saw the letter itself. +The position of the satirist is oftentimes one which he would not have +chosen had the election been left to himself. In attacking bad +principles, he is obliged to select some individual who has made himself +their exponent, and in whom they are impersonate, to the end that what +he says may not, through ambiguity, be dissipated _tenues in auras_. For +what says Seneca? _Longum iter per praecepta, breve et efficace per +exempla._ A bad principle is comparatively harmless while it continues +to be an abstraction, nor can the general mind comprehend it fully till +it is printed in that large type which all men can read at sight, +namely, the life and character, the sayings and doings, of particular +persons. It is one of the cunningest fetches of Satan, that he never +exposes himself directly to our arrows, but, still dodging behind this +neighbour or that acquaintance, compels us to wound him through them, if +at all. He holds our affections as hostages, the while he patches up a +truce with our conscience. + +Meanwhile, let us not forget that the aim of the true satirist is not to +be severe upon persons, but only upon falsehood: and, as Truth and +Falsehood start from the same point, and sometimes even go along +together for a little way, his business is to follow the path of the +latter after it diverges, and to show her floundering in the bog at the +end of it. Truth is quite beyond the reach of satire. There is so brave +a simplicity in her, that she can no more be made ridiculous than an oak +or a pine. The danger of the satirist is, that continual use may deaden +his sensibility to the force of language. He becomes more and more +liable to strike harder than he knows or intends. He may be careful to +put on his boxing-gloves, and yet forget, that, the older they grow, the +more plainly may the knuckles inside be felt. Moreover, in the heat of +contest, the eye is insensibly drawn to the crown of victory, whose +tawdry tinsel glitters through that dust of the ring which obscures +Truth's wreath of simple leaves. I have sometimes thought that my young +friend, Mr. Biglow, needed a monitory hand laid on his arm,--_aliquid +sufflaminandus erat_. I have never thought it good husbandry to water +the tender plants of reform with _aqua fortis_, yet, where so much is to +do in the beds, he were a sorry gardener who should wage a whole day's +war with an iron scuffle on those ill weeds that make the garden-walks +of life unsightly, when a sprinkle of Attic salt will wither them up. +_Est ars etiam maledicendi_, says Scaliger, and truly it is a hard thing +to say where the graceful gentleness of the lamb merges in downright +sheepishness. We may conclude with worthy and wise Dr. Fuller, that "one +may be a lamb in private wrongs, but in hearing general affronts to +goodness they are asses which are not lions."--H. W.] + + + Guvener B. is a sensible man; + He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks; + He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can, + An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes;-- + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B. + + My! aint it terrible? Wut shall we du? + We can't never choose him, o' course,--thet 's flat; + Guess we shall hev to come round, (don't you?) + An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that; + Fer John P. + Robinson he + Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B. + + Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man: + He 's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf; + But consistency still wuz a part of his plan,-- + He 's ben true to _one_ party,--an' thet is himself;-- + So John P. + Robinson he + Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C. + + Gineral C. he goes in fer the war; + He don't vally principle more 'n an old cud; + Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer, + But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood? + So John P. + Robinson he + Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C. + + We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village, + With good old idees o' wut 's right an' wut aint, + We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage, + An' thet eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint; + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez this kind o' thing 's an exploded idee. + + The side of our country must ollers be took, + An' Presidunt Polk, you know, _he_ is our country; + An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book + Puts the _debit_ to him, an' to us the _per contry_; + An' John P. + Robinson he + Sez this is his view o' the thing to a T. + + Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies; + Sez they 're nothin' on airth but jest _fee, faw, fum_; + An' thet all this big talk of our destinies + Is half on it ignorance, an' t'other half rum; + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez it aint no sech thing; an', of course, so must we. + + Parson Wilbur sez _he_ never heerd in his life + Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats + An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife, + To git some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes; + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez they did n't know everythin' down in Judee. + + Wal, it 's a marcy we 've gut folks to tell us + The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow,-- + God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers, + To drive the world's team wen it gits in a slough; + Fer John P. + Robinson he + Sez the world 'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee! + + +[The attentive reader will doubtless have perceived in the foregoing +poem an allusion to that pernicious sentiment,--"Our country, right or +wrong." It is an abuse of language to call a certain portion of land +much more certain personages elevated for the time being to high +station, our country. I would not sever nor loosen a single one of those +ties by which we are united to the spot of our birth, nor minish by a +tittle the respect due to the Magistrate. I love our own Bay State too +well to do the one, and as for the other, I have myself for nigh forty +years exercised, however unworthily, the function of Justice of the +Peace, having been called thereto by the unsolicited kindness of that +most excellent man and upright patriot, Caleb Strong. _Patriae fumus igne +alieno luculentior_ is best qualified with this,--_Ubi libertas, ibi +patria_. We are inhabitants of two worlds, and owe a double, but not a +divided, allegiance. In virtue of our clay, this little ball of earth +exacts a certain loyalty of us; while, in our capacity as spirits, we +are admitted citizens of an invisible and holier fatherland. There is a +patriotism of the soul whose claim absolves us from our other and +terrene fealty. Our true country is that ideal realm which we represent +to ourselves under the names of religion, duty, and the like. Our +terrestrial organizations are but far-off approaches to so fair a model, +and all they are verily traitors who resist not any attempt to divert +them from this their original intendment. When, therefore, one would +have us to fling up our caps and shout with the multitude,--"_Our +country, however bounded!_" he demands of us that we sacrifice the +larger to the less, the higher to the lower, and that we yield to the +imaginary claims of a few acres of soil our duty and privilege as +liegemen of Truth. Our true country is bounded on the north and the +south, on the east and the west, by Justice, and when she oversteps that +invisible boundary-line by so much as a hair's-breadth, she ceases to be +our mother, and chooses rather to be looked upon _quasi noverca_. That +is a hard choice, when our earthly love of country calls upon us to +tread one path and our duty points us to another. We must make as noble +and becoming an election as did Penelope between Icarius and Ulysses. +Veiling our faces, we must take silently the hand of Duty to follow her. + +Shortly after the publication of the foregoing poem, there appeared some +comments upon it in one of the public prints which seemed to call for +some animadversion. I accordingly addressed to Mr. Buckingham, of the +_Boston Courier_, the following letter. + + "JAALAM, November 4, 1847. + +"_To the Editor of the Courier:_ + +"RESPECTED SIR,--Calling at the post-office this morning, our worthy and +efficient postmaster offered for my perusal a paragraph in the Boston +Morning Post of the 3d instant, wherein certain effusions of the +pastoral muse are attributed to the pen of Mr. James Russell Lowell. For +ought I know or can affirm to the contrary, this Mr. Lowell may be a +very deserving person and a youth of parts (though I have seen verses of +his which I could never rightly understand); and if he be such, he, I am +certain, as well as I, would be free from any proclivity to appropriate +to himself whatever of credit (or discredit) may honestly belong to +another. I am confident, that, in penning these few lines, I am only +forestalling a disclaimer from that young gentleman, whose silence +hitherto, when rumour pointed to himward, has excited in my bosom +mingled emotions of sorrow and surprise. Well may my young parishioner, +Mr. Biglow, exclaim with the poet, + + "'Sic vos non vobis' &c.; + +though, in saying this, I would not convey the impression that he is a +proficient in the Latin tongue,--the tongue, I might add, of a Horace +and a Tully. + +"Mr. B. does not employ his pen, I can safely say, for any lucre of +worldly gain, or to be exalted by the carnal plaudits of men, _digito +monstrari_, &c. He does not wait upon Providence for mercies, and in his +heart mean _merces_. But I should esteem myself as verily deficient in +my duty (who am his friend and in some unworthy sort his spiritual +_fidus Achates_, &c.), if I did not step forward to claim for him +whatever measure of applause might be assigned to him by the judicious. + +"If this were a fitting occasion, I might venture here a brief +dissertation touching the manner and kind of my young friend's poetry. +But I dubitate whether this abstruser sort of speculation (though +enlivened by some apposite instances from Aristophanes) would +sufficiently interest your oppidan readers. As regards their satirical +tone, and their plainness of speech, I will only say, that, in my +pastoral experience, I have found that the Arch-Enemy loves nothing +better than to be treated as a religious, moral, and intellectual being, +and that there is no _apage Sathanas_! so potent as ridicule. But it is +a kind of weapon that must have a button of good-nature on the point of +it. + +"The productions of Mr. B. have been stigmatized in some quarters as +unpatriotic; but I can vouch that he loves his native soil with that +hearty, though discriminating, attachment which springs from an intimate +social intercourse of many years' standing. In the ploughing season, no +one has a deeper share in the well-being of the country than he. If Dean +Swift were right in saying that he who makes two blades of grass grow +where one grew before confers a greater benefit on the state than he who +taketh a city, Mr. B. might exhibit a fairer claim to the Presidency +than General Scott himself. I think that some of those disinterested +lovers of the hard-handed democracy, whose fingers have never touched +anything rougher than the dollars of our common country, would hesitate +to compare palms with him. It would do your heart good, respected Sir, +to see that young man now. He cuts a cleaner and wider swarth than any +in this town. + +"But it is time for me to be at my Post. It is very clear that my young +friend's shot has struck the lintel, for the Post is shaken (Amos ix. +1). The editor of that paper is a strenuous advocate of the Mexican war, +and a colonel, as I am given to understand. I presume, that, being +necessarily absent in Mexico, he has left his journal in some less +judicious hands. At any rate, the Post has been too swift on this +occasion. It could hardly have cited a more incontrovertible line from +any poem than that which it has selected for animadversion, namely,-- + + "'We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage.' + +"If the Post maintains the converse of this proposition, it can hardly +be considered as a safe guide-post for the moral and religious portions +of its party, however many other excellent qualities of a post it may be +blessed with. There is a sign in London on which is painted,--'The Green +Man.' It would do very well as a portrait of any individual who would +support so unscriptural a thesis. As regards the language of the line in +question, I am bold to say that He who readeth the hearts of men will +not account any dialect unseemly which conveys a sound and pious +sentiment. I could wish that such sentiments were more common, however +uncouthly expressed. Saint Ambrose affirms, that _veritas a quocunque_ +(why not, then _quomodocunque_?) _dicatur, a spiritu sancto est_. Digest +also this of Baxter:--'The plainest words are the most profitable +oratory in weightiest matters.' + +"When the paragraph in question was shown to Mr. Biglow, the only part +of it which seemed to give him any dissatisfaction was that which +classed him with the Whig party. He says, that, if resolutions are a +nourishing kind of diet, that party must be in a very hearty and +flourishing condition; for that they have quietly eaten more good ones +of their own baking than he could have conceived to be possible without +repletion. He has been for some years past (I regret to say) an ardent +opponent of those sound doctrines of protective policy which form so +prominent a portion of the creed of that party. I confess, that, in some +discussions which I have had with him on this point in my study, he has +displayed a vein of obstinacy which I had not hitherto detected in his +composition. He is also (_horresco referens_) infected in no small +measure with the peculiar notions of a print called the Liberator, +whose heresies I take every proper opportunity of combating, and of +which, I thank God, I have never read a single line. + +"I did not see Mr. B.'s verses until they appeared in print, and there +_is_ certainly one thing in them which I consider highly improper. I +allude to the personal references to myself by name. To confer notoriety +on an humble individual who is labouring quietly in his vocation, and +who keeps his cloth as free as he can from the dust of the political +arena (though _vae mihi si non evangelizavero_), is no doubt an +indecorum. The sentiments which he attributes to me I will not deny to +be mine. They were embodied, though in a different form, in a discourse +preached upon the last day of public fasting, and were acceptable to my +entire people (of whatever political views), except the postmaster, who +dissented _ex officio_. I observe that you sometimes devote a portion of +your paper to a religious summary. I should be well pleased to furnish a +copy of my discourse for insertion in this department of your +instructive journal. By omitting the advertisements, it might easily be +got within the limits of a single number, and I venture to insure you +the sale of some scores of copies in this town. I will cheerfully render +myself responsible for ten. It might possibly be advantageous to issue +it as an _extra_. But perhaps you will not esteem it an object, and I +will not press it. My offer does not spring from any weak desire of +seeing my name in print; for I can enjoy this satisfaction at any time +by turning to the Triennial Catalogue of the University, where it also +possesses that added emphasis of Italics with which those of my calling +are distinguished. + +"I would simply add, that I continue to fit ingenuous youth for college, +and that I have two spacious and airy sleeping apartments at this moment +unoccupied. _Ingenuas didicisse_, &c. Terms, which vary according to the +circumstances of the parents, may be known on application to me by +letter, post paid. In all cases the lad will be expected to fetch his +own towels. This rule, Mrs. W. desires me to add, has no exceptions. + + "Respectfully, your obedient servant, + + "HOMER WILBUR, A.M. + +"P.S. Perhaps the last paragraph may look like an attempt to obtain the +insertion of my circular gratuitously. If it should appear to you in +that light, I desire that you would erase it, or charge for it at the +usual rates, and deduct the amount from the proceeds in your hands from +the sale of my discourse, when it shall be printed. My circular is much +longer and more explicit, and will be forwarded without charge to any +who may desire it. It has been very neatly executed on a letter sheet, +by a very deserving printer, who attends upon my ministry, and is a +creditable specimen of the typographic art. I have one hung over my +mantelpiece in a neat frame, where it makes a beautiful and appropriate +ornament, and balances the profile of Mrs. W., cut with her toes by the +young lady born without arms. H. W." + +I have in the foregoing letter mentioned General Scott in connexion with +the Presidency, because I have been given to understand that he has +blown to pieces and otherwise caused to be destroyed more Mexicans than +any other commander. His claim would therefore be deservedly considered +the strongest. Until accurate returns of the Mexican killed, wounded, +and maimed be obtained, it would be difficult to settle these nice +points of precedence. Should it prove that any other officer has been +more meritorious and destructive than General. S., and has thereby +rendered himself more worthy of the confidence and support of the +conservative portion of our community, I shall cheerfully insert his +name, instead of that of General S., in a future edition. It may be +thought, likewise, that General S. has invalidated his claims by too +much attention to the decencies of apparel, and the habits belonging to +a gentleman. These abstruser points of statesmanship are beyond my +scope. I wonder not that successful military achievement should attract +the admiration of the multitude. Rather do I rejoice with wonder to +behold how rapidly this sentiment is losing its hold upon the popular +mind. It is related of Thomas Warton, the second of that honoured name +who held the office of Poetry Professor at Oxford, that, when one wished +to find him, being absconded, as was his wont, in some obscure alehouse, +he was counselled to traverse the city with a drum and fife, the sound +of which inspiring music would be sure to draw the Doctor from his +retirement into the street. We are all more or less bitten with this +martial insanity. _Nescio qua dulcedine ... cunctos ducit._ I confess to +some infection of that itch myself. When I see a Brigadier-General +maintaining his insecure elevation in the saddle under the severe fire +of the training-field, and when I remember that some military +enthusiasts, through haste, inexperience, or an over-desire to lend +reality to those fictitious combats, will sometimes discharge their +ramrods, I cannot but admire, while I deplore, the mistaken devotion of +those heroic officers. _Semel insanivimus omnes._ I was myself, during +the late war with Great Britain, chaplain of a regiment, which was +fortunately never called to active military duty. I mention this +circumstance with regret rather than pride. Had I been summoned to +actual warfare, I trust that I might have been strengthened to bear +myself after the manner of that reverend father in our New England +Israel, Dr. Benjamin Colman, who, as we are told in Turell's life of +him, when the vessel in which he had taken passage for England was +attacked by a French privateer, "fought like a philosopher and a +Christian, ... and prayed all the while he charged and fired." As this +note is already long, I shall not here enter upon a discussion of the +question, whether Christians may lawfully be soldiers. I think it +sufficiently evident, that, during the first two centuries of the +Christian era, at least, the two professions were esteemed incompatible. +Consult Jortin on this head.--H. W.] + + + + +No. IV. + + REMARKS OF INCREASE D. O'PHACE, ESQUIRE, AT AN EX-TRUMPERY + CAUCUS IN STATE STREET, REPORTED BY MR. H. BIGLOW. + + +[The ingenious reader will at once understand that no such speech as the +following was ever _totidem verbis_ pronounced. But there are simpler +and less guarded wits, for the satisfying of which such an explanation +may be needful. For there are certain invisible lines, which as Truth +successively overpasses, she becomes Untruth to one and another of us, +as a large river, flowing from one kingdom into another, sometimes takes +a new name, albeit the waters undergo no change, how small soever. There +is, moreover, a truth of fiction more veracious than the truth of fact, +as that of the Poet, which represents to us things and events as they +ought to be, rather than servilely copies them as they are imperfectly +imaged in the crooked and smoky glass of our mundane affairs. It is this +which makes the speech of Antonius, though originally spoken in no wider +a forum than the brain of Shakspeare, more historically valuable than +that other which Appian has reported, by as much as the understanding of +the Englishman was more comprehensive than that of the Alexandrian. Mr. +Biglow, in the present instance, has only made use of a licence assumed +by all the historians of antiquity, who put into the mouths of various +characters such words as seem to them most fitting to the occasion and +to the speaker. If it be objected that no such oration could ever have +been delivered, I answer, that there are few assemblages for +speech-making which do not better deserve the title of _Parliamentum +Indoctorum_ than did the sixth Parliament of Henry the Fourth, and that +men still continue to have as much faith in the Oracle of Fools as ever +Pantagruel had. Howell, in his letters, recounts a merry tale of a +certain ambassador of Queen Elizabeth, who, having written two letters, +one to her Majesty and the other to his wife, directed them at +cross-purposes, so that the Queen was beducked and bedeared and +requested to send a change of hose, and the wife was beprincessed and +otherwise unwontedly besuperlatived, till the one feared for the wits of +her ambassador, the other for those of her husband. In like manner it +may be presumed that our speaker has misdirected some of his thoughts, +and given to the whole theatre what he would have wished to confide only +to a select auditory at the back of the curtain. For it is seldom that +we can get any frank utterance from men, who address, for the most part, +a Buncombe either in this world or the next. As for their audiences, it +may be truly said of our people, that they enjoy one political +institution in common with the ancient Athenians: I mean a certain +profitless kind of _ostracism_, wherewith, nevertheless, they seem +hitherto well enough content. For in Presidential elections, and other +affairs of the sort, whereas I observe that the _oysters_ fall to the +lot of comparatively few, the _shells_ (such as the privileges of voting +as they are told to do by the _ostrivori_ aforesaid, and of huzzaing at +public meetings) are very liberally distributed among the people, as +being their prescriptive and quite sufficient portion. + +The occasion of the speech is supposed to be Mr. Palfrey's refusal to +vote for the Whig candidate for the Speakership.--H. W.] + + + No? Hez he? He haint, though? Wut? Voted agin him? + Ef the bird of our country could ketch him, she 'd skin him; + I seem 's though I see her, with wrath in each quill, + Like a chancery lawyer, afilin' her bill, + An' grindin' her talents ez sharp ez all nater, + To pounce like a writ on the back o' the traiter. + Forgive me, my friends, ef I seem to be het, + But a crisis like this must with vigour be met; + Wen an Arnold the star-spangled banner bestains, + Holl Fourth o' Julys seem to bile in my veins. + + Who ever 'd ha' thought sech a pisonous rig + Would be run by a chap thet wuz chose fer a Wig? + "We knowed wut his principles wuz 'fore we sent him"? + What wuz ther in them from this vote to pervent him? + A marciful Providunce fashioned us holler + O' purpose thet we might our principles swaller; + It can hold any quantity on 'em, the belly can, + An' bring 'em up ready fer use like the pelican, + Or more like the kangaroo, who (wich is stranger) + Puts her family into her pouch wen there 's danger. + Aint principle precious? then, who 's goin' to use it + Wen there 's risk o' some chaps gittin' up to abuse it? + I can't tell the wy on 't, but nothin' is _so_ sure + Ez thet principle kind o' gits spiled by exposure;[13] + A man thet lets all sorts o' folks git a sight on 't + Ough' to hev it all took right away, every mite on 't; + Ef he can't keep it all to himself when it 's wise to, + He aint one it 's fit to trust nothin' so nice to. + + Besides, ther 's a wonderful power in latitude + To shift a man's morril relations an' attitude; + Some flossifers think thet a fakkilty 's granted + The minnit it 's proved to be thoroughly wanted, + Thet a change o' demand makes a change o' condition + An' thet everythin' 's nothin' except by position; + Ez, fer instance, thet rubber-trees fust begun bearin' + Wen p'litickle conshunces come into wearin',-- + Thet the fears of a monkey, whose holt chanced to fail, + Drawed the vertibry out to a prehensile tail; + So, wen one 's chose to Congriss, ez soon ez he 's in it, + A collar grows right round his neck in a minnit, + An' sartin it is thet a man cannot be strict + In bein' himself, when he gets to the Deestrict, + Fer a coat thet sets wal here in ole Massachusetts, + Wen it gits on to Washinton, somehow askew sets. + + Resolves, do you say, o' the Springfield Convention? + Thet 's percisely the pint I was goin' to mention; + Resolves air a thing we most gen'ally keep ill, + They 're a cheap kind o' dust fer the eyes o' the people; + A parcel o' delligits jest git together + An' chat fer a spell o' the crops an' the weather, + Then, comin' to order, they squabble awile + An' let off the speeches they 're ferful 'll spile; + Then--Resolve,--Thet we wunt hev an inch o' slave territory; + That President Polk's holl perceedins air very tory; + Thet the war 's a damned war, an' them thet enlist in it + Should hev a cravat with a dreffle tight twist in it; + Thet the war is a war fer the spreadin' o' slavery; + Thet our army desarves our best thanks fer their bravery; + Thet we 're the original friends o' the nation, + All the rest air a paltry an' base fabrication; + Thet we highly respect Messrs. A, B, an' C, + An' ez deeply despise Messrs. E, F, an' G. + In this way they go to the eend o' the chapter, + An' then they bust out in a kind of a raptur + About their own vartoo, an' folks's stone-blindness + To the men thet 'ould actilly do 'em a kindness,-- + The American eagle, the Pilgrims thet landed, + Till on ole Plymouth Rock they git finally stranded. + Wal, the people they listen and say, "Thet 's the ticket! + Ez for Mexico, t'aint no glory to lick it, + But 't would be a darned shame to go pullin' o' triggers + To extend the aree of abusin' the niggers." + + So they march in percessions, an' git up hooraws, + An' tramp thru the mud fer the good o' the cause, + An' think they 're kind o' fulfillin' the prophecies, + Wen they 're on'y jest changin' the holders of offices; + Ware A sot afore, B is comf'tably seated, + One humbug 's victor'ous, an' t'other defeated. + Each honnable doughface gits jest wut he axes, + An' the people--their annooal soft sodder an' taxes. + + Now, to keep unimpaired all these glorious feeturs + Thet characterize morril an' reasonin' creeturs, + Thet give every paytriot all he can cram, + Thet oust the untrustworthy Presidunt Flam, + An' stick honest Presidunt Sham in his place, + To the manifest gain o' the holl human race, + An' to some indervidgewals on 't in partickler, + Who love Public Opinion an' know how to tickle her,-- + I say thet a party with great aims like these + Must stick jest ez close ez a hive full o' bees. + + I 'm willin' a man should go tollable strong + Agin wrong in the abstract, fer that kind o' wrong + Is ollers unpop'lar an' never gits pitied, + Because it 's a crime no one never committed; + But he mus' n't be hard on partickler sins, + Coz then he 'll be kickin' the people's own shins; + On'y look at the Demmercrats, see wut they 've done + Jest simply by stickin' together like fun; + They 've sucked us right into a mis'able war + Thet no one on airth aint responsible for; + They 've run us a hundred cool millions in debt, + (An' fer Demmercrat Horners ther 's good plums left yet); + They talk agin tayriffs, but act fer a high one, + An' so coax all parties to build up their Zion; + To the people they 're ollers ez slick ez molasses, + An' butter their bread on both sides with The Masses, + Half o' whom they 've persuaded, by way of a joke, + Thet Washinton's mantelpiece fell upon Polk. + + Now all o' these blessins the Wigs might enjoy, + Ef they 'd gumption enough the right means to imploy;[14] + Fer the silver spoon born in Dermocracy's mouth + Is a kind of a scringe thet they hev to the South; + Their masters can cuss 'em an' kick 'em an' wale 'em, + An' they notice it less 'an the ass did to Balaam; + In this way they screw into second-rate offices + Wich the slaveholder thinks 'ould substract too much off his ease; + The file-leaders, I mean, du, fer they, by their wiles, + Unlike the old viper, grow fat on their files. + Wal, the Wigs hev been tryin' to grab all this prey frum 'em + An' to hook this nice spoon o' good fortin' away frum 'em, + An' they might ha' succeeded, ez likely ez not, + In lickin' the Demmercrats all round the lot, + Ef it warn't thet, wile all faithful Wigs were their knees on, + Some stuffy old codger would holler out,--"Treason! + You must keep a sharp eye on a dog thet hez bit you once, + An' _I_ aint agoin' to cheat my constitoounts,"-- + Wen every fool knows thet a man represents + Not the fellers thet sent him, but them on the fence,-- + Impartially ready to jump either side + An' make the fust use of a turn o' the tide,-- + The waiters on Providunce here in the city, + Who compose wut they call a State Centerl Committy. + Constitoounts air hendy to help a man in, + But arterwards don't weigh the heft of a pin. + Wy, the people can't all live on Uncle Sam's pus, + So they 've nothin' to du with 't fer better or wus; + It 's the folks thet air kind o' brought up to depend on 't + That hev any consarn in 't, an' thet is the end on 't. + + Now here wuz New England ahevin' the honor + Of a chance at the speakership showered upon her;-- + Do you say,--"She don't want no more Speakers, but fewer; + She 's hed plenty o' them, wut she wants is a _doer_"? + Fer the matter o' thet, it 's notorous in town + Thet her own representatives du her quite brown. + But thet 's nothin' to du with it; wut right hed Palfrey + To mix himself up with fanatical small fry? + Warn't we gettin' on prime with our hot an' cold blowin', + Acondemnin' the war wilst we kep' it agoin'? + We 'd assumed with gret skill a commandin' position, + On this side or thet, no one could n't tell wich one, + So, wutever side wipped, we 'd a chance at the plunder + An' could sue for infringin' our paytended thunder; + We were ready to vote fer whoever wuz eligible, + Ef on all pints at issoo he 'd stay unintelligible. + Wal, sposin' we hed to gulp down our perfessions, + We were ready to come out next mornin' with fresh ones; + Besides, ef we did, 't was our business alone, + Fer could n't we du wut we would with our own? + An' ef a man can, wen pervisions hev riz so, + Eat up his own words, it 's a marcy it is so. + + Wy, these chaps from the North, with back-bones to 'em, darn 'em, + 'Ould be wuth more 'an Gennle Tom Thumb is to Barnum; + Ther 's enough thet to office on this very plan grow, + By exhibitin' how very small a man can grow; + But an M. C. frum here ollers hastens to state he + Belongs to the order called invertebraty, + Wence some gret filologists judge primy fashy + Thet M. C. is M. T. by paronomashy; + An' these few exceptions air _loosus naytury_ + Folks 'ould put down their quarters to stare at, like fury. + + It 's no use to open the door o' success, + Ef a member can bolt so fer nothin' or less; + Wy, all o' them grand constitootional pillers + Our four fathers fetched with 'em over the billers, + Them pillers the people so soundly hev slept on, + Wile to slav'ry, invasion, an' debt they were swept on, + Wile our Destiny higher an' higher kep' mountin' + (Though I guess folks 'll stare wen she hends her account in), + Ef members in this way go kickin' agin 'em, + They wunt hev so much ez a feather left in 'em. + + An', ez fer this Palfrey,[15] we thought wen we 'd gut him in, + He 'd go kindly in wutever harness we put him in; + Supposin' we _did_ know thet he wuz a peace man? + Does he think he can be Uncle Samwell's policeman, + An' wen Sam gits tipsy an' kicks up a riot, + Lead him off to the lockup to snooze till he 's quiet? + Wy, the war is a war thet true paytriots can bear, ef + It leads to the fat promised land of a tayriff; + _We_ don't go an' fight it, nor aint to be driv on, + Nor Demmercrats nuther, thet hev wut to live on; + Ef it aint jest the thing thet 's well pleasin' to God, + It makes us thought highly on elsewhere abroad; + The Rooshian black eagle looks blue in his eerie + An' shakes both his heads wen he hears o' Monteery; + Wile in the Tower Victory sets, all of a fluster, + An' reads, with locked doors, how we won Cherry Buster; + An' old Philip Lewis--thet come an' kep' school here + Fer the mere sake o' scorin' his ryalist ruler + On the tenderest part of our kings _in futuro_-- + Hides his crown underneath an old shut in his bureau + Breaks off in his brags to a suckle o' merry kings, + How he often hed hided young native Amerrikins, + An', turnin' quite faint in the midst of his fooleries, + Sneaks down stairs to bolt the front door o' the Tooleries.[16] + + You say,--"We 'd ha' scared 'em by growin' in peace, + A plaguy sight more then by bobberies like these"? + Who is it dares say thet "our naytional eagle + Wun't much longer be classed with the birds thet air regal, + Coz theirn be hooked beaks, an' she, arter this slaughter, + 'll bring back a bill ten times longer 'n she ough' to"? + Wut 's your name? Come, I see ye, you up-country feller, + You 've put me out severil times with your beller; + Out with it! Wut? Biglow? I say nothin' furder, + Thet feller would like nothin' better 'n a murder; + He 's a traiter, blasphemer, an' wut ruther worse is, + He put all his ath'ism in dreffle bad verses; + Socity aint safe till sech monsters air out on it, + Refer to the Post, ef you hev the least doubt on it; + Wy, he goes agin war, agin indirect taxes, + Agin sellin' wild lands 'cept to settlers with axes, + Agin holdin' o' slaves, though he knows it 's the corner + Our libbaty rests on, the mis'able scorner! + In short, he would wholly upset with his ravages + All thet keeps us above the brute critters an' savages, + An' pitch into all kinds o' briles an' confusions + The holl of our civilized, free institutions; + He writes fer thet rather unsafe print, the Courier, + An' likely ez not hez a squintin' to Foorier; + I 'll be ----, thet is, I mean I 'll be blest, + Ef I hark to a word frum so noted a pest; + I shan't talk with _him_, my religion 's too fervent.-- + Good mornin', my friends, I 'm your most humble servant. + + +[Into the question, whether the ability to express ourselves in +articulate language has been productive of more good or evil, I shall +not here enter at large. The two faculties of speech and of +speech-making are wholly diverse in their natures. By the first we make +ourselves intelligible, by the last unintelligible, to our fellows. It +has not seldom occurred to me (noting how in our national legislature +everything runs to talk, as lettuces, if the season or the soil be +unpropitious, shoot up lankly to seed, instead of forming handsome +heads) that Babel was the first Congress, the earliest mill erected for +the manufacture of gabble. In these days, what with Town Meetings, +School Committees, Boards (lumber) of one kind and another, Congresses, +Parliaments, Diets, Indian Councils, Palavers, and the like, there is +scarce a village which has not its factories of this description driven +by (milk-and-) water power. I cannot conceive the confusion of tongues +to have been the curse of Babel, since I esteem my ignorance of other +languages as a kind of Martello-tower, in which I am safe from the +furious bombardments of foreign garrulity. For this reason I have ever +preferred the study of the dead languages, those primitive formations +being Ararats upon whose silent peaks I sit secure and watch this new +deluge without fear, though it rain figures (_simulacra_, semblances) of +speech forty days and nights together, as it not uncommonly happens. +Thus is my coat, as it were, without buttons by which any but a +vernacular wild bore can seize me. Is it not possible that the Shakers +may intend to convey a quiet reproof and hint, in fastening their outer +garments with hooks and eyes? + +This reflection concerning Babel, which I find in no Commentary, was +first thrown upon my mind when an excellent deacon of my congregation +(being infected with the Second Advent delusion) assured me that he had +received a first instalment of the gift of tongues as a small earnest of +larger possessions in the like kind to follow. For, of a truth, I could +not reconcile it with my ideas of the Divine justice and mercy that the +single wall which protected people of other languages from the +incursions of this otherwise well-meaning propagandist should be broken +down. + +In reading Congressional debates, I have fancied, that, after the +subsidence of those painful buzzings in the brain which result from such +exercises, I detected a slender residuum of valuable information. I made +the discovery that _nothing_ takes longer in the saying than anything +else, for, as _ex nihilo nihil fit_, so from one polypus _nothing_ any +number of similar ones may be produced. I would recommend to the +attention of _viva voce_ debaters and controversialists the admirable +example of the monk Copres, who, in the fourth century, stood for half +an hour in the midst of a great fire, and thereby silenced a Manichaean +antagonist who had less of the salamander in him. As for those who +quarrel in print, I have no concern with them here, since the eyelids +are a Divinely-granted shield against all such. Moreover, I have +observed in many modern books that the printed portion is becoming +gradually smaller, and the number of blank or fly-leaves (as they are +called) greater. Should this fortunate tendency of literature continue, +books will grow more valuable from year to year, and the whole Serbonian +bog yield to the advances of firm arable land. + +I have wondered, in the Representatives' Chamber of our own +Commonwealth, to mark how little impression seemed to be produced by +that emblematic fish suspended over the heads of the members. Our wiser +ancestors, no doubt, hung it there as being the animal which the +Pythagoreans reverenced for its silence, and which certainly in that +particular does not so well merit the epithet _cold-blooded_, by which +naturalists distinguish it, as certain bipeds, afflicted with +ditch-water on the brain, who take occasion to tap themselves in Fanueil +Halls, meeting-houses, and other places of public resort.--H. W.] + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[13] The speaker is of a different mind from Tully, who, in his recently +discovered tractate _De Republica_, tells us,--_Nec vero habere virtutem +satis est, quasi artem aliquam, nisi utare_, and from our Milton, who +says,--"I cannot praise a fugitive and cloistered virtue, unexercised +and unbreathed, that never sallies out and sees her adversary, but +slinks out of the race where that immortal garland is to be run for, +_not without dust and heat_."--_Areop._ He had taken the words out of +the Roman's mouth, without knowing it, and might well exclaim with +Austin (if saint's name may stand sponsor for a curse). _Pereant qui +ante nos nostra dixerint!_--H. W. + +[14] That was a pithy saying of Persius, and fits our politicians +without a wrinkle,--_Magister artis, ingeniique largitor venter._--H. W. + +[15] There is truth yet in this of Juvenal,-- + + "Dat veniam corvis, vexat censura columbas." + +[16] Jortin is willing to allow of other miracles besides those recorded +in Holy Writ, and why not of other prophecies? It is granting too much +to Satan to suppose him, as divers of the learned have done, the +inspirer of the ancient oracles. Wiser, I esteem it, to give chance the +credit of the successful ones. What is said here of Louis Philippe was +verified in some of its minute particulars within a few months' time. +Enough to have made the fortune of Delphi or Ammon, and no thanks to +Beelzebub neither! That of Seneca in Medea will suit here:-- + + "Rapida fortuna ac levis, + Praecepsque regno eripuit, exsilio dedit." + +Let us allow, even to richly deserved misfortune, our commiseration, and +be not overhasty meanwhile in our censure of the French people, left for +the first time to govern themselves, remembering that wise sentence of +AEschylus,-- + + {Hapas de trachys hostis an neon krate.} H. W. + + + + +No. V. + +THE DEBATE IN THE SENNIT + + SOT TO A NUSRY RHYME. + + +[The incident which gave rise to the debate satirized in the following +verses was the unsuccessful attempt of Drayton and Sayres to give +freedom to seventy men and women, fellow-beings and fellow-Christians. +Had Tripoli, instead of Washington, been the scene of this undertaking, +the unhappy leaders in it would have been as secure of the theoretic as +they now are of the practical part of martyrdom. I question whether the +Dey of Tripoli is blessed with a District Attorney so benighted as ours +at the seat of government. Very fitly is he named Key, who would allow +himself to be made the instrument of locking the door of hope against +sufferers in such a cause. Not all the waters of the ocean can cleanse +the vile smutch of the jailer's fingers from off that little Key. +_Ahenea clavis_, a brazen Key indeed! + +Mr. Calhoun, who is made the chief speaker in this burlesque, seems to +think that the light of the nineteenth century is to be put out as soon +as he tinkles his little cow-bell curfew. Whenever slavery is touched, +he sets up his scarecrow of dissolving the Union. This may do for the +North, but I should conjecture that something more than a +pumpkin-lantern is required to scare manifest and irretrievable Destiny +out of her path. Mr. Calhoun cannot let go the apron-string of the Past. +The Past is a good nurse, but we must be weaned from her sooner or +later, even though, like Plotinus, we should run home from school to ask +the breast, after we are tolerably well-grown youths. It will not do for +us to hide our faces in her lap, whenever the strange Future holds out +her arms and asks us to come to her. + +But we are all alike. We have all heard it said, often enough, that +little boys must not play with fire; and yet, if the matches be taken +away from us and put out of reach upon the shelf, we must needs get into +our little corner, and scowl and stamp and threaten the dire revenge of +going to bed without our supper. The world shall stop till we get our +dangerous plaything again. Dame Earth, meanwhile, who has more than +enough household matters to mind, goes bustling hither and thither as a +hiss or a sputter tells her that this or that kettle of hers is boiling +over, and before bedtime we are glad to eat our porridge cold, and gulp +down our dignity along with it. + +Mr. Calhoun has somehow acquired the name of a great statesman, and, if +it be great statesmanship to put lance in rest and run a tilt at the +Spirit of the Age with the certainty of being next moment hurled neck +and heels into the dust amid universal laughter, he deserves the title. +He is the Sir Kay of our modern chivalry. He should remember the old +Scandinavian mythus. Thor was the strongest of gods, but he could not +wrestle with Time, nor so much as lift up a fold of the great snake +which knit the universe together; and when he smote the Earth, though +with his terrible mallet, it was but as if a leaf had fallen. Yet all +the while it seemed to Thor that he had only been wrestling with an old +woman, striving to lift a cat, and striking a stupid giant on the head. + +And in old times, doubtless, the giants _were_ stupid, and there was no +better sport for the Sir Launcelots and Sir Gawains than to go about +cutting off their great blundering heads with enchanted swords. But +things have wonderfully changed. It is the giants, now-a-days, that have +the science and the intelligence, while the chivalrous Don Quixotes of +Conservatism still cumber themselves with the clumsy armour of a by-gone +age. On whirls the restless globe through unsounded time, with its +cities and its silences, its births and funerals, half light, half +shade, but never wholly dark, and sure to swing round into the happy +morning at last. With an involuntary smile, one sees Mr. Calhoun letting +slip his pack-thread cable with a crooked pin at the end of it to anchor +South Carolina upon the bank and shoal of the Past.--H. W.] + + +TO MR. BUCKENAM. + +MR. EDITER, As i wuz kinder prunin round, in a little nussry sot out a +year or 2 a go, the Dbait in the sennit cum inter my mine An so i took & +Sot it to wut I call a nussry rime. I hev made sum onnable Gentlemun +speak that dident speak in a Kind uv Poetikul lie sense the seeson is +dreffle backerd up This way + + ewers as ushul + + HOSEA BIGLOW. + + * * * * * + + "Here we stan' on the Constitution, by thunder! + It 's a fact o' wich ther 's bushils o' proofs; + Fer how could we trample on 't so, I wonder, + Ef't worn't thet it 's oilers under our hoofs?" + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he; + "Human rights haint no more + Right to come on this floor, + No more 'n the man in the moon," sez he. + + "The North haint no kind o' bisness with nothin', + An' you 've no idee how much bother it saves; + We aint none riled by their frettin' an' frothin', + We 're _used_ to layin' the string on our slaves," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + Sez Mister Foote, + "I should like to shoot + The holl gang, by the gret horn spoon!" sez he. + + "Freedom's Keystone is Slavery, thet ther 's no doubt on, + It 's sutthin' thet 's--wha' d' ye call it?--divine,-- + An' the slaves thet we ollers _make_ the most out on + Air them north o' Mason an' Dixon's line," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + "Fer all thet," sez Mangum, + "'T would be better to hang 'em, + An' so git red on 'em soon," sez he. + + "The mass ough' to labour an' we lay on soffies, + Thet 's the reason I want to spread Freedom's aree; + It puts all the cunninest on us in office, + An' reelises our Maker's orig'nal idee," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + "Thet 's ez plain," sez Cass, + "Ez thet some one 's an ass, + It 's ez clear ez the sun is at noon," sez he. + + "Now don't go to say I 'm the friend of oppression, + But keep all your spare breath fer coolin' your broth, + Fer I ollers hev strove (at least thet 's my impression) + To make cussed free with the rights o' the North," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + "Yes," sez Davis o' Miss., + "The perfection o' bliss + Is in skinnin' thet same old coon," sez he. + + "Slavery 's a thing thet depends on complexion, + It 's God's law thet fetters on black skins don't chafe; + Ef brains wuz to settle it (horrid reflection!) + Wich of our onnable body 'd be safe?" + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + Sez Mister Hannegan, + Afore he began agin, + "Thet exception is quite oppertoon," sez he. + + "Gen'nle Cass, Sir, you need n't be twitchin' your collar, + _Your_ merit 's quite clear by the dut on your knees, + At the North we don't make no distinctions o' colour; + You can all take a lick at our shoes wen you please," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + Sez Mister Jarnagin, + "They wunt hev to larn agin, + They all on 'em know the old toon," sez he. + + "The slavery question aint no ways bewilderin'. + North an' South hev one int'rest, it 's plain to a glance; + No'thern men, like us patriarchs, don't sell their childrin, + But they _du_ sell themselves, ef they git a good chance," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + Sez Atherton here, + "This is gittin' severe, + I wish I could dive like a loon," sez he. + + "It 'll break up the Union, this talk about freedom, + An' your fact'ry gals (soon ez we split) 'll make head, + An' gittin' some Miss chief or other to lead 'em, + 'll go to work raisin' promiscoous Ned," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + "Yes, the North," sez Colquitt, + "Ef we Southerners all quit, + Would go down like a busted balloon," sez he. + + "Jest look wut is doin', wut annyky 's brewin' + In the beautiful clime o' the olive an' vine, + All the wise aristoxy is tumblin' to ruin, + An' the sankylots drorin' an' drinkin' their wine," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + "Yes," sez Johnson, "in France + They 're beginnin' to dance + Beelzebub's own rigadoon," sez he. + + "The South 's safe enough, it don't feel a mite skeery, + Our slaves in their darkness an' dut air tu blest + Not to welcome with proud hallylugers the ery + Wen our eagle kicks yourn from the naytional nest," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + "O," sez Westcott o' Florida, + "Wut treason is horrider + Then our priv'leges tryin' to proon?" sez he. + + "It 's 'coz they 're so happy, thet, wen crazy sarpints + Stick their nose in our bizness, we git so darned riled; + We think it 's our dooty to give pooty sharp hints, + Thet the last crumb of Edin on airth shan't be spiled," + Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- + "Ah," sez Dixon H. Lewis, + "It perfectly true is + Thet slavery 's airth's grettest boon," sez he. + + +[It was said of old time, that riches have wings; and, though this be +not applicable in a literal strictness to the wealth of our patriarchal +brethren of the South, yet it is clear that their possessions have legs, +and an unaccountable propensity for using them in a northerly direction. +I marvel that the grand jury of Washington did not find a true bill +against the North Star for aiding and abetting Drayton and Sayres. It +would have been quite of a piece with the intelligence displayed by the +South on other questions connected with slavery. I think that no ship of +state was ever freighted with a more veritable Jonah than this same +domestic institution of ours. Mephistopheles himself could not feign so +bitterly, so satirically sad a sight as this of three millions of human +beings crushed beyond help or hope by this one mighty argument,--_Our +fathers knew no better!_ Nevertheless, it is the unavoidable destiny of +Jonahs to be cast overboard sooner or later. Or shall we try the +experiment of hiding our Jonah in a safe place, that none may lay hands +on him to make jetsam of him? Let us, then, with equal forethought and +wisdom, lash ourselves to the anchor, and await, in pious confidence, +the certain result. Perhaps our suspicious passenger is no Jonah after +all, being black. For it is well known that a superintending Providence +made a kind of sandwich of Ham and his descendants, to be devoured by +the Caucasian race. + +In God's name, let all, who hear nearer and nearer the hungry moan of +the storm and the growl of the breakers, speak out! But, alas! we have +no right to interfere. If a man pluck an apple of mine, he shall be in +danger of the justice; but if he steal my brother, I must be silent. Who +says this? Our Constitution, consecrated by the callous suetude of sixty +years, and grasped in triumphant argument in the left hand of him whose +right hand clutches the clotted slave-whip. Justice, venerable with the +undethronable majesty of countless aeons, says,--SPEAK! The Past, wise +with the sorrows and desolations of ages, from amid her shattered fanes +and wolf-housing palaces, echoes,--SPEAK! Nature, through her thousand +trumpets of freedom, her stars, her sunrises, her seas, her winds, her +cataracts, her mountains blue with cloudy pines, blows jubilant +encouragement, and cries,--SPEAK! From the soul's trembling abysses the +still, small voice not vaguely murmurs,--SPEAK! But, alas! the +Constitution and the Honourable Mr. Bagowind, M.C., say,--BE DUMB! + +It occurs to me to suggest, as a topic of inquiry in this connexion, +whether, on that momentous occasion when the goats and the sheep shall +be parted, the Constitution and the Honourable Mr. Bagowind, M.C., will +be expected to take their places on the left as our hircine vicars. + + _Quia sum miser tunc dicturus? + Quem patronum rogaturus?_ + +There is a point where toleration sinks into sheer baseness and +poltroonery. The toleration of the worst leads us to look on what is +barely better as good enough, and to worship what is only moderately +good. Woe to that man, or that nation, to whom mediocrity has become an +ideal! + +Has our experiment of self-government succeeded, if it barely manage to +_rub and go_? Here, now, is a piece of barbarism which Christ and the +nineteenth century say shall cease, and which Messrs. Smith, Brown, and +others say shall _not_ cease. I would by no means deny the eminent +respectability of these gentlemen, but I confess, that, in such a +wrestling-match, I cannot help having my fears for them. + + _Discite justitiam, moniti, et non temnere divos._ + + H. W.] + + + + +No. VI. + +THE PIOUS EDITOR'S CREED. + + +[At the special instance of Mr. Biglow, I preface the following satire +with an extract from a sermon preached during the past summer, from +Ezekiel xxxiv. 2:--"Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of +Israel." Since the Sabbath on which this discourse was delivered, the +editor of the "Jaalam Independent Blunderbuss" has unaccountably +absented himself from our house of worship. + +"I know of no so responsible position as that of the public journalist. +The editor of our day bears the same relation to his time that the clerk +bore to the age before the invention of printing. Indeed, the position +which he holds is that which the clergyman should hold even now. But the +clergyman chooses to walk off to the extreme edge of the world, and to +throw such seed as he has clear over into that darkness which he calls +the Next Life. As if _next_ did not mean _nearest_, and as if any life +were nearer than that immediately present one which boils and eddies all +around him at the caucus, the ratification meeting, and the polls! Who +taught him to exhort men to prepare for eternity, as for some future era +of which the present forms no integral part? The furrow which Time is +even now turning runs through the Everlasting, and in that must he plant +or nowhere. Yet he would fain believe and teach that we are _going_ to +have more of eternity than we have now. This _going_ of his is like that +of the auctioneer, on which _gone_ follows before we have made up our +minds to bid,--in which manner, not three months back, I lost an +excellent copy of Chappelow on Job. So it has come to pass that the +preacher, instead of being a living force, has faded into an emblematic +figure at christenings, weddings, and funerals. Or, if he exercise any +other function, it is as keeper and feeder of certain theologic dogmas, +which, when occasion offers, he unkennels with a _staboy!_ 'to bark and +bite as 'tis their nature to,' whence that reproach of _odium +theologicum_ has arisen. + +"Meanwhile, see what a pulpit the editor mounts daily, sometimes with a +congregation of fifty thousand within reach of his voice, and never so +much as a nodder, even, among them! And from what a Bible can he choose +his text,--a Bible which needs no translation, and which no priestcraft +can shut and clasp from the laity,--the open volume of the world, upon +which, with a pen of sunshine or destroying fire, the inspired Present +is even now writing the annals of God! Methinks the editor who should +understand his calling, and be equal thereto, would truly deserve that +title of {poimen laon}, which Homer bestows upon princes. He would be +the Moses of our nineteenth century; and whereas the old Sinai, silent +now, is but a common mountain, stared at by the elegant tourist and +crawled over by the hammering geologist, he must find his tables of the +new law here among factories and cities in this Wilderness of Sin +(Numbers xxxiii. 12) called Progress of Civilization, and be the captain +of our Exodus into the Canaan of a truer social order. + +"Nevertheless, our editor will not come so far within even the shadow of +Sinai as Mahomet did, but chooses rather to construe Moses by Joe Smith. +He takes up the crook, not that the sheep may be fed, but that he may +never want a warm woollen suit and a joint of mutton. + + _Immemor, O, fidei, pecorumque oblite tuorum!_ + +For which reason I would derive the name _editor_ not so much from +_edo_, to publish, as from _edo_, to eat, that being the peculiar +profession to which he esteems himself called. He blows up the flames of +political discord for no other occasion than that he may thereby handily +boil his own pot. I believe there are two thousand of these +mutton-loving shepherds in the United States; and of these, how many +have even the dimmest perception of their immense power, and the duties +consequent thereon? Here and there, haply, one. Nine hundred and +ninety-nine labour to impress upon the people the great principles of +_Tweedledum_, and other nine hundred and ninety-nine preach with equal +earnestness the gospel according to _Tweedledee_."--H. W.] + + + I du believe in Freedom's cause, + Ez fur away ez Paris is; + I love to see her stick her claws + In them infarnal Pharisees; + It 's wal enough agin a king + To dror resolves an' triggers,-- + But libbaty 's a kind o' thing + Thet don't agree with niggers. + + I du believe the people want + A tax on teas an' coffees, + Thet nothin' aint extravygunt,-- + Purvidin' I 'm in office; + Fer I hev loved my country sence + My eye-teeth filled their sockets, + An' Uncle Sam I reverence, + Partic'larly his pockets. + + I du believe in _any_ plan + O' levyin' the taxes, + Ez long ez, like a lumberman, + I git jest wut I axes: + I go free-trade thru thick an' thin, + Because it kind o' rouses + The folks to vote,--an' keeps us in + Our quiet custom-houses. + + I du believe it 's wise an' good + To sen' out furrin missions, + Thet is, on sartin understood + An' orthydox conditions;-- + I mean nine thousan' dolls. per ann., + Nine thousan' more fer outfit, + An' me to recommend a man + The place 'ould jest about fit. + + I du believe in special ways + O' prayin' an' convartin'; + The bread comes back in many days, + An' buttered, tu, fer sartin;-- + I mean in preyin' till one busts + On wut the party chooses, + An' in convartin' public trusts + To very privit uses. + + I du believe hard coin the stuff + Fer 'lectioneers to spout on; + The people 's ollers soft enough + To make hard money out on; + Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his, + An' gives a good-sized junk to all,-- + I don't care _how_ hard money is, + Ez long ez mine 's paid punctooal. + + I du believe with all my soul + In the gret Press's freedom, + To pint the people to the goal + An' in the traces lead 'em; + Palsied the arm thet forges yokes + At my fat contracts squintin', + An' withered be the nose thet pokes + Inter the gov'ment printin'! + + I du believe thet I should give + Wut 's his'n unto Caesar, + Fer it 's by him I move an' live, + From him my bread an' cheese air; + I du believe thet all o' me + Doth bear his souperscription,-- + Will, conscience, honour, honesty, + An' things o' thet description. + + I du believe in prayer an' praise + To him thet hez the grantin' + O' jobs,--in every thin' thet pays, + But most of all in CANTIN'; + This doth my cup with marcies fill, + This lays all thought o' sin to rest,-- + I _don't_ believe in princerple, + But, O, I _du_ in interest. + + I du believe in bein' this + Or thet, ez it may happen + One way or t'other hendiest is + To ketch the people nappin'; + It aint by princerples nor men + My preudunt course is steadied,-- + I scent wich pays the best, an' then + Go into it baldheaded. + + I du believe thet holdin' slaves + Comes nat'ral tu a Presidunt, + Let 'lone the rowdedow it saves + To hev a wal-broke precedunt; + Fer any office, small or gret, + I could n't ax with no face, + Without I 'd ben, thru dry an' wet, + Th' unrizzest kind o' doughface. + + I du believe wutever trash + 'll keep the people in blindness,-- + Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash + Right inter brotherly kindness, + Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball + Air good-will's strongest magnets, + Thet peace, to make it stick at all, + Must be druv in with bagnets. + + In short, I firmly du believe + In Humbug generally, + Fer it 's a thing thet I perceive + To hev a solid vally; + This heth my faithful shepherd ben, + In pasturs sweet heth led me, + An' this 'll keep the people green + To feed ez they hev fed me. + + +[I subjoin here another passage from my before-mentioned discourse. + +"Wonderful, to him that has eyes to see it rightly, is the newspaper. To +me, for example, sitting on the critical front bench of the pit, in my +study here in Jaalam, the advent of my weekly journal is as that of a +strolling theatre, or rather of a puppet-show, on whose stage, narrow as +it is, the tragedy, comedy, and farce of life are played in little. +Behold the whole huge earth sent to me hebdomadally in a brown-paper +wrapper! + +"Hither, to my obscure corner, by wind or steam, on horse-back or +dromedary-back, in the pouch of the Indian runner, or clicking over the +magnetic wires, troop all the famous performers from the four quarters +of the globe. Looked at from a point of criticism, tiny puppets they +seem all, as the editor sets up his booth upon my desk and officiates as +showman. Now I can truly see how little and transitory is life. The +earth appears almost as a drop of vinegar, on which the solar microscope +of the imagination must be brought to bear in order to make out any +thing distinctly. That animalcule there, in the pea-jacket, is Louis +Philippe, just landed on the coast of England. That other, in the grey +surtout and cocked hat, is Napoleon Bonaparte Smith, assuring France +that she need apprehend no interference from him in the present alarming +juncture. At that spot, where you seem to see a speck of something in +motion, is an immense mass-meeting. Look sharper, and you will see a +mite brandishing his mandibles in an excited manner. That is the great +Mr. Soandso, defining his position amid tumultuous and irrepressible +cheers. That infinitesimal creature, upon whom some score of others, as +minute as he, are gazing in open-mouthed admiration, is a famous +philosopher, expounding to a select audience their capacity for the +Infinite. That scarce discernible pufflet of smoke and dust is a +revolution. That speck there is a reformer, just arranging the lever +with which he is to move the world. And lo, there creeps forward the +shadow of a skeleton that blows one breath between its grinning teeth, +and all our distinguished actors are whisked off the slippery stage into +the dark Beyond. + +"Yes, the little show-box has its solemner suggestions. Now and then we +catch a glimpse of a grim old man, who lays down a scythe and +hour-glass in the corner while he shifts the scenes. There, too, in the +dim background, a weird shape is ever delving. Sometimes he leans upon +his mattock, and gazes, as a coach whirls by, bearing the newly married +on their wedding jaunt, or glances carelessly at a babe brought home +from christening. Suddenly (for the scene grows larger and larger as we +look) a bony hand snatches back a performer in the midst of his part, +and him, whom yesterday two infinities (past and future) would not +suffice, a handful of dust is enough to cover and silence for ever. Nay, +we see the same fleshless fingers opening to clutch the showman himself, +and guess, not without a shudder, that they are lying in wait for +spectator also. + +"Think of it: for three dollars a year I buy a season-ticket to this +great Globe Theatre, for which God would write the dramas (only that we +like farces, spectacles, and the tragedies of Apollyon better), whose +scene-shifter is Time, and whose curtain is rung down by Death. + +"Such thoughts will occur to me sometimes as I am tearing off the +wrapper of my newspaper. Then suddenly that otherwise too often vacant +sheet becomes invested for me with a strange kind of awe. Look! deaths +and marriages, notices of inventions, discoveries, and books, lists of +promotions, of killed, wounded, and missing, news of fires, accidents, +of sudden wealth and as sudden poverty;--I hold in my hand the ends of +myriad invisible electric conductors, along which tremble the joys, +sorrows, wrongs, triumphs, hopes, and despairs of as many men and women +everywhere. So that upon that mood of mind which seems to isolate me +from mankind as a spectator of their puppet-pranks, another supervenes, +in which I feel that I, too, unknown and unheard of, am yet of some +import to my fellows. For, through my newspaper here, do not families +take pains to send me, an entire stranger, news of a death among them? +Are not here two who would have me know of their marriage? And strangest +of all, is not this singular person anxious to have me informed that he +has received a fresh supply of Dimitry Bruisgins? But to none of us does +the Present (even if for a moment discerned as such) continue +miraculous. We glance carelessly at the sunrise, and get used to Orion +and the Pleiades. The wonder wears off, and to-morrow this sheet, in +which a vision was let down to me from Heaven, shall be the wrappage to +a bar of soap or the platter for a beggar's broken victuals."--H. W.] + + + + +No. VII. + +A LETTER + + FROM A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN ANSWER TO SUTTIN + QUESTIONS PROPOSED BY MR. HOSEA BIGLOW, INCLOSED IN + A NOTE FROM MR. BIGLOW TO S. H. GAY, ESQ., EDITOR OF + THE NATIONAL ANTISLAVERY STANDARD. + + +[Curiosity may be said to be the quality which pre-eminently +distinguishes and segregates man from the lower animals. As we trace the +scale of animated nature downward, we find this faculty of the mind (as +it may truly be called) diminished in the savage, and quite extinct in +the brute. The first object which civilized man proposes to himself I +take to be the finding out whatsoever he can concerning his neighbours. +_Nihil humanum a me alienum puto_; I am curious about even John Smith. +The desire next in strength to this (an opposite pole, indeed, of the +same magnet) is that of communicating intelligence. + +Men in general may be divided into the inquisitive and the +communicative. To the first class belong Peeping Toms, eaves-droppers, +navel-contemplating Brahmins, metaphysicians, travellers, Empedocleses, +spies, the various societies for promoting Rhinothism, Columbuses, +Yankees, discoverers, and men of science, who present themselves to the +mind as so many marks of interrogation wandering up and down the world, +or sitting in studies and laboratories. The second class I should again +subdivide into four. In the first subdivision I would rank those who +have an itch to tell us about themselves,--as keepers of diaries, +insignificant persons generally, Montaignes, Horace Walpoles, +autobiographers, poets. The second includes those who are anxious to +impart information concerning other people,--as historians, barbers, and +such. To the third belong those who labour to give us intelligence about +nothing at all,--as novelists, political orators, the large majority of +authors, preachers, lecturers, and the like. In the fourth come those +who are communicative from motives of public benevolence,--as finders of +mares'-nests and bringers of ill news. Each of us two-legged fowls +without feathers embraces all these subdivisions in himself to a greater +or less degree, for none of us so much as lays an egg, or incubates a +chalk one, but straightway the whole barn-yard shall know it by our +cackle or our cluck. _Omnibus hoc vitium est._ There are different +grades in all these classes. One will turn his telescope toward a +back-yard, another toward Uranus; one will tell you that he dined with +Smith, another that he supped with Plato. In one particular, all men may +be considered as belonging to the first grand division, inasmuch as they +all seem equally desirous of discovering the mote in their neighbour's +eye. + +To one or another of these species every human being may safely be +referred. I think it beyond a peradventure that Jonah prosecuted some +inquiries into the digestive apparatus of whales, and that Noah sealed +up a letter in an empty bottle, that news in regard to him might not be +wanting in case of the worst. They had else been super or subter human. +I conceive, also, that, as there are certain persons who continually +peep and pry at the key-hole of that mysterious door through which, +sooner or later, we all make our exits, so there are doubtless ghosts +fidgeting and fretting on the other side of it, because they have no +means of conveying back to the world the scraps of news they have picked +up. For there is an answer ready somewhere to every question, the great +law of _give and take_ runs through all nature, and if we see a hook, we +may be sure that an eye is waiting for it. I read in every face I meet a +standing advertisement of information wanted in regard to A. B., or that +the friends of C. D. can hear of him by application to such a one. + +It was to gratify the two great passions of asking and answering, that +epistolary correspondence was first invented. Letters (for by this +usurped title epistles are now commonly known) are of several kinds. +First, there are those which are not letters at all,--as letters patent, +letters dimissory, letters inclosing bills, letters of administration, +Pliny's letters, letters of diplomacy, of Cato, of Mentor, of Lords +Lyttelton, Chesterfield, and Orrery, of Jacob Behmen, Seneca (whom St. +Jerome includes in his list of sacred writers), letters from abroad, +from sons in college to their fathers, letters of marque, and letters +generally, which are in no wise letters of mark. Second, are real +letters, such as those of Gray, Cowper, Walpole, Howel, Lamb, the first +letters from children (printed in staggering capitals), Letters from New +York, letters of credit, and others, interesting for the sake of the +writer or the thing written. I have read also letters from Europe by a +gentleman named Pinto, containing some curious gossip, and which I hope +to see collected for the benefit of the curious. There are, besides, +letters addressed to posterity,--as epitaphs, for example, written for +their own monuments by monarchs, whereby we have lately become possessed +of the names of several great conquerors and kings of kings, hitherto +unheard of and still unpronounceable, but valuable to the student of the +entirely dark ages. The letter which St. Peter sent to King Pepin in the +year of grace 755 I would place in a class by itself, as also the +letters of candidates, concerning which I shall dilate more fully in a +note at the end of the following poem. At present, _sat prata +biberunt_. Only, concerning the shape of letters, they are all either +square or oblong, to which general figures circular letters and +round-robins also conform themselves.--H. W.] + + +DEER SIR its gut to be the fashun now to rite letters to the candid 8s +and i wus chose at a publick Meetin in Jaalam to du wut wus nessary fur +that town. i writ to 271 ginerals and gut ansers to 209. tha air called +candid 8s but I don't see nothin candid about em. this here 1 wich I +send wus thought satty's factory. I dunno as it's ushle to print +Poscrips, but as all the ansers I got hed the saim, I sposed it wus +best. times has gretly changed. Formaly to knock a man into a cocked hat +wus to use him up, but now it ony gives him a chance fur the cheef +madgustracy.--H. B. + + * * * * * + + DEAR SIR,--You wish to know my notions + On sartin pints thet rile the land; + There 's nothin' thet my natur so shuns + Ez bein' mum or underhand; + I 'm a straight-spoken kind o' creetur + Thet blurts right out wut 's in his head, + An' ef I 've one pecooler feetur, + It is a nose thet wunt be led. + + So, to begin at the beginnin', + An' come direcly to the pint, + I think the country's underpinnin' + Is some consid'ble out o' jint; + I aint agoin' to try your patience + By tellin' who done this or thet, + I don't make no insinooations, + I jest let on I smell a rat. + + Thet is, I mean, it seems to me so, + But, ef the public think I 'm wrong, + I wunt deny but wut I be so,-- + An', fact, it don't smell very strong; + My mind 's tu fair to lose its balance + An' say wich party hez most sense; + There may be folks o' greater talence + Thet can't set stiddier on the fence. + + I 'm an eclectic; ez to choosin' + 'Twixt this an' thet, I 'm plaguy lawth; + I leave a side thet looks like losin', + But (wile there 's doubt) I stick to both; + I stan' upon the Constitution, + Ez preudunt statesmun say, who 've planned + A way to git the most profusion + O' chances ez to _ware_ they 'll stand. + + Ez fer the war, I go agin it,-- + I mean to say I kind o' du,-- + Thet is, I mean thet, bein' in it, + The best way wuz to fight it thru; + Not but wut abstract war is horrid,-- + I sign to thet with all my heart,-- + But civlyzation _doos_ git forrid + Sometimes upon a powder-cart. + + About thet darned Proviso matter + I never hed a grain o' doubt, + Nor I aint one my sense to scatter + So 's no one could n't pick it out; + My love fer North an' South is equil, + So I 'll jest answer plump an' frank, + No matter wut may be the sequil,-- + Yes, Sir, I _am_ agin a Bank. + + Ez to the answerin' o' questions, + I 'm an off ox at bein' druv, + Though I aint one thet ary test shuns + 'll give our folks a helpin' shove; + Kind o' promiscoous I go it + Fer the holl country, an' the ground + I take, ez nigh ez I can show it, + Is pooty gen'ally all round. + + I don't appruve o' givin' pledges; + You 'd ough' to leave a feller free, + An' not go knockin' out the wedges + To ketch his fingers in the tree; + Pledges air awfle breachy cattle + Thet preudunt farmers don't turn out,-- + Ez long 'z the people git their rattle, + Wut is there fer 'm to grout about? + + Ez to the slaves, there 's no confusion + In _my_ idees consarnin' them,-- + _I_ think they air an Institution, + A sort of--yes, jest so,--ahem: + Do _I_ own any? Of my merit + On thet pint you yourself may jedge; + All is, I never drink no sperit, + Nor I haint never signed no pledge. + + Ez to my principles, I glory + In hevin' nothin' o' the sort; + I aint a Wig, I aint a Tory, + I 'm jest a candidate, in short; + Thet 's fair an' square an' parpendicler, + But, ef the Public cares a fig, + To hev me an' thin' in particler, + Wy I 'm a kind o' peri-wig. + + P. S. + + Ez we 're a sort o' privateerin', + O' course, you know, it 's sheer an' sheer, + An' there is sutthin' wuth your hearin' + I 'll mention in _your_ privit ear; + Ef you git _me_ inside the White House, + Your head with ile I 'll kin' o' 'nint + By gittin' _you_ inside the Light-house + Down to the eend o' Jaalam Pint. + + An' ez the North hez took to brustlin' + At bein' scrouged frum off the roost, + I 'll tell ye wut 'll save all tusslin' + An' give our side a harnsome boost,-- + Tell 'em thet on the Slavery question + I 'm RIGHT, although to speak I 'm lawth; + This gives you a safe pint to rest on, + An' leaves me frontin' South by North. + + +[And now of epistles candidatial, which are of two kinds,--namely, +letters of acceptance, and letters definitive of position. Our republic, +on the eve of an election, may safely enough be called a republic of +letters. Epistolary composition becomes then an epidemic, which seizes +one candidate after another, not seldom cutting short the thread of +political life. It has come to such a pass, that a party dreads less the +attacks of its opponents than a letter from its candidate. _Litera +scripta manet_, and it will go hard if something bad cannot be made of +it. General Harrison, it is well understood, was surrounded, during his +candidacy, with the _cordon sanitaire_ of a vigilance committee. No +prisoner in Spielberg was ever more cautiously deprived of writing +materials. The soot was scraped carefully from the chimney-places; +outposts of expert rifle-shooters rendered it sure death for any goose +(who came clad in feathers) to approach within a certain limited +distance of North Bend; and all domestic fowls about the premises were +reduced to the condition of Plato's original man. By these precautions +the General was saved. _Parva componere magnis_, I remember, that, when +party-spirit once ran high among my people, upon occasion of the choice +of a new deacon, I, having my preferences, yet not caring too openly to +express them, made use of an innocent fraud to bring about that result +which I deemed most desirable. My stratagem was no other than the +throwing a copy of the Complete Letter-Writer in the way of the +candidate whom I wished to defeat. He caught the infection, and +addressed a short note to his constituents, in which the opposite party +detected so many and so grave improprieties (he had modeled it upon the +letter of a young lady accepting a proposal of marriage), that he not +only lost his election, but, falling under a suspicion of Sabellianism +and I know not what (the widow Endive assured me that he was a +Paralipomenon, to her certain knowledge), was forced to leave the town. +Thus it is that the letter killeth. + +The object which candidates propose to themselves in writing is to +convey no meaning at all. And here is a quite unsuspected pitfall into +which they successively plunge headlong. For it is precisely in such +cryptographies that mankind are prone to seek for and find a wonderful +amount and variety of significance. _Omne ignotum pro mirifico._ How do +we admire at the antique world striving to crack those oracular nuts +from Delphi, Ammon, and elsewhere, in only one of which can I so much +as surmise that any kernel had ever lodged; that, namely, wherein Apollo +confessed that he was mortal. One Didymus is, moreover, related to have +written six thousand books on the single subject of grammar, a topic +rendered only more tenebrific by the labours of his successors, and +which seems still to possess an attraction for authors in proportion as +they can make nothing of it. A singular loadstone for theologians, also, +is the Beast in the Apocalypse, whereof, in the course of my studies, I +have noted two hundred and three several interpretations, each +lethiferal to all the rest. _Non nostrum est tantas componere lites_, +yet I have myself ventured upon a two hundred and fourth, which I +embodied in a discourse preached on occasion of the demise of the late +usurper, Napoleon Bonaparte, and which quieted, in a large measure, the +minds of my people. It is true that my views on this important point +were ardently controverted by Mr. Shearjashub Holden, the then preceptor +of our academy, and in other particulars a very deserving and sensible +young man, though possessing a somewhat limited knowledge of the Greek +tongue. But his heresy struck down no deep root, and, he having been +lately removed by the hand of Providence, I had the satisfaction of +re-affirming my cherished sentiments in a sermon preached upon the +Lord's-day immediately succeeding his funeral. This might seem like +taking an unfair advantage, did I not add that he had made provision in +his last will (being celibate) for the publication of a posthumous +tractate in support of his own dangerous opinions. + +I know of nothing in our modern times which approaches so nearly to the +ancient oracle as the letter of a Presidential candidate. Now, among the +Greeks, the eating of beans was strictly forbidden to all such as had it +in mind to consult those expert amphibologists, and this same +prohibition on the part of Pythagoras to his disciples is understood to +imply an abstinence from politics, beans having been used as ballots. +That other explication, _quod videlicet sensus eo cibo obtundi +existimaret_, though supported _pugnis et calcibus_ by many of the +learned, and not wanting the countenance of Cicero, is confuted by the +larger experience of New England. On the whole, I think it safer to +apply here the rule of interpretation which now generally obtains in +regard to antique cosmogonies, myths, fables, proverbial expressions, +and knotty points generally, which is, to find a common-sense meaning, +and then select whatever can be imagined the most opposite thereto. In +this way we arrive at the conclusion, that the Greeks objected to the +questioning of candidates. And very properly, if, as I conceive, the +chief point be not to discover what a person in that position is, or +what he will do, but whether he can be elected. _Vos exemplaria Graeca +nocturna versate manu, versate diurna._ + +But, since an imitation of the Greeks in this particular (the asking of +questions being one chief privilege of freemen) is hardly to be hoped +for, and our candidates will answer, whether they are questioned or not, +I would recommend that these ante-electionary dialogues should be +carried on by symbols, as were the diplomatic correspondences of the +Scythians and Macrobii, or confined to the language of signs, like the +famous interview of Panurge and Goatsnose. A candidate might then convey +a suitable reply to all committees of inquiry by closing one eye, or by +presenting them with a phial of Egyptian darkness to be speculated upon +by their respective constituencies. These answers would be susceptible +of whatever retrospective construction the exigencies of the political +campaign might seem to demand, and the candidate could take his position +on either side of the fence with entire consistency. Or, if letters must +be written, profitable use might be made of the Dighton rock +hieroglyphic or the cuneiform script, every fresh decipherer of which is +enabled to educe a different meaning, whereby a sculptured stone or two +supplies us, and will probably continue to supply posterity, with a very +vast and various body of authentic history. For even the briefest +epistle in the ordinary chirography is dangerous. There is scarce any +style so compressed that superfluous words may not be detected in it. A +severe critic might curtail that famous brevity of Caesar's by two +thirds, drawing his pen through the supererogatory _veni_ and _vidi_. +Perhaps, after all, the surest footing of hope is to be found in the +rapidly increasing tendency to demand less and less of qualification in +candidates. Already have statesmanship, experience, and the possession +(nay, the profession, even) of principles been rejected as superfluous, +and may not the patriot reasonably hope that the ability to write will +follow? At present, there may be death in pot-hooks as well as pots, the +loop of a letter may suffice for a bow-string, and all the dreadful +heresies of Anti-slavery may lurk in a flourish.--H. W.] + + + + +No. VIII. + +A SECOND LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ. + + +[In the following epistle, we behold Mr. Sawin returning a _miles +emeritus_, to the bosom of his family. _Quantum mutatus!_ The good +Father of us all had doubtless entrusted to the keeping of this child of +his certain faculties of a constructive kind. He had put in him a share +of that vital force, the nicest economy of every minute atom of which is +necessary to the perfect development of Humanity. He had given him a +brain and heart, and so had equipped his soul with the two strong wings +of knowledge and love, whereby it can mount to hang its nest under the +eaves of heaven. And this child, so dowered, he had entrusted to the +keeping of his vicar, the State. How stands the account of that +stewardship? The State, or Society (call her by what name you will), had +taken no manner of thought of him till she saw him swept out into the +street, the pitiful leavings of last night's debauch, with cigar-ends, +lemon-parings, tobacco-quids, slops, vile stenches, and the whole +loathsome next-morning of the bar-room,--an own child of the Almighty +God! I remember him as he was brought to be christened, a ruddy, rugged +babe; and now there he wallows, reeking, seething,--the dead corpse, not +of a man, but of a soul,--a putrefying lump, horrible for the life that +is in it. Comes the wind of heaven, that good Samaritan, and parts the +hair upon his forehead, nor is too nice to kiss those parched, cracked +lips; the morning opens upon him her eyes full of pitying sunshine, the +sky yearns down to him,--and there he lies fermenting. O sleep! let me +not profane thy holy name by calling that stertorous unconsciousness a +slumber! By and by comes along the State, God's vicar. Does she +say,--"My poor, forlorn foster-child! Behold here a force which I will +make dig and plant and build for me"? Not so, but,--"Here is a recruit +ready-made to my hand, a piece of destroying energy lying unprofitably +idle." So she claps an ugly grey suit on him, puts a musket in his +grasp, and sends him off, with Gubernatorial and other godspeeds, to do +duty as a destroyer. + +I made one of the crowd at the last Mechanics' Fair, and, with the rest, +stood gazing in wonder at a perfect machine, with its soul of fire, its +boiler-heart that sent the hot blood pulsing along the iron arteries, +and its thews of steel. And while I was admiring the adaptation of means +to end, the harmonious involutions of contrivance, and the +never-bewildered complexity, I saw a grimed and greasy fellow, the +imperious engine's lackey and drudge, whose sole office was to let fall, +at intervals, a drop or two of oil upon a certain joint. Then my soul +said within me, See there a piece of mechanism to which that other you +marvel at is but as the rude first effort of a child,--a force which not +merely suffices to set a few wheels in motion, but which can send an +impulse all through the infinite future,--a contrivance, not for turning +out pins, or stitching button-holes, but for making Hamlets and Lears. +And yet this thing of iron shall be housed, waited on, guarded from rust +and dust, and it shall be a crime but so much as to scratch it with a +pin; while the other, with its fire of God in it, shall be buffeted +hither and thither, and finally sent carefully a thousand miles to be +the target for a Mexican cannon-ball. Unthrifty Mother State! My heart +burned within me for pity and indignation, and I renewed this covenant +with my own soul,--_In aliis mansuetus ero, at, in blasphemiis contra +Christum, non ita._--H. W.] + + + I spose you wonder ware I be; I can't tell, fer the soul o' me, + Exacly ware I be myself,--meanin' by thet the holl o' me. + Wen I left hum, I hed two legs, an' they worn't bad ones neither + (The scaliest trick they ever played wuz bringin' on me hither), + Now one on 'em 's I dunno ware;--they thought I wuz adyin', + An' sawed it off, because they said 'twuz kin' o' mortifyin'; + I 'm willin' to believe it wuz, an' yit I don't see, nuther, + Wy one should take to feelin' cheap a minnit sooner 'n t'other, + Sence both wuz equilly to blame; but things is ez they be; + It took on so they took it off, an' thet 's enough fer me: + There 's one good thing, though, to be said about my wooden new one,-- + The liquor can't get into it ez 't used to in the true one; + So it saves drink; an' then, besides, a feller could n't beg. + A gretter blessin' then to hev one ollers sober peg; + It 's true a chap 's in want o' two fer follerin' a drum, + But all the march I 'm up to now is jest to Kingdom Come. + + I 've lost one eye, but thet 's a loss it 's easy to supply + Out o' the glory thet I 've gut, fer thet is all my eye; + An' one is big enough, I guess, by diligently usin' it, + To see all I shall ever git by way o' pay fer losin' it; + Off'cers, I notice, who git paid fer all our thumps an' kickins, + Du wal by keepin' single eyes arter the fattest pickins; + So, ez the eye 's put fairly out, I 'll larn to go without it, + An' not allow _myself_ to be no gret put out about it. + Now, le' me see, thet is n't all; I used, 'fore leavin' Jaalam, + To count things on my finger-eends, but sutthin' seems to ail 'em: + Ware 's my left hand? O, darn it, yes, I recollect wut 's come on 't; + I haint no left arm but my right, an' thet 's gut jest a thumb on 't; + It aint so hendy ez it wuz to cal'late a sum on 't. + I 've hed some ribs broke,--six (I b'lieve),--I haint kep' no + account on 'em; + Wen pensions git to be the talk, I 'll settle the amount on 'em. + An' now I 'm speakin' about ribs, it kin' o' brings to mind + One thet I could n't never break,--the one I lef' behind; + Ef you should see her, jest clear out the spout o' your invention + An' pour the longest sweetnin'-in about an annooal pension, + An' kin' o' hint (in case, you know, the critter should refuse to be + Consoled) I aint so 'xpensive now to keep ez wut I used to be; + There 's one arm less, ditto one eye, an' then the leg thet 's wooden + Can be took off an' sot away wenever ther' 's a puddin'. + + I spose you think I 'm comin' back ez opperlunt ez thunder, + With shiploads o' gold images, an' varus sorts o' plunder; + Wal, 'fore I vullinteered, I thought this country wuz a sort o' + Canaan, a reg'lar Promised Land flowin' with rum an' water, + Ware propaty growed up like time, without no cultivation, + An' gold wuz dug ez taters be among our Yankee nation, + Ware nateral advantages were pufficly amazin', + Ware every rock there wuz about with precious stuns wuz blazin', + Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez thick ez you could cram 'em, + An' desput rivers run about abeggin' folks to dam 'em; + Then there were meetinhouses, tu, chockful o' gold an' silver + Thet you could take, an' no one could n't hand ye in no bill fer;-- + Thet 's wut I thought afore I went, thet 's wut them fellers told us + Thet stayed to hum an' speechified an' to the buzzards sold us; + I thought thet gold mines could be gut cheaper than china asters, + An' see myself acomin' back like sixty Jacob Astors; + But sech idees soon melted down an' did n't leave a grease-spot; + I vow my holl sheer o' the spiles would n't come nigh a V spot; + Although, most anywares we 've ben, you need n't break no locks, + Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket full o' rocks. + + I guess I mentioned in my last some o' the nateral feeturs + O' this all-fiered buggy hole in th' way o' awfle creeturs, + But I fergut to name (new things to speak on so abounded) + How one day you 'll most die o' thust, an' 'fore the next git drownded. + The clymit seems to me jest like a teapot made o' pewter + Our Prudence hed, thet would n't pour (all she could du) to suit her; + Fust place the leaves 'ould choke the spout, so 's not a drop 'ould + dreen out, + Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the holl kit bust clean out, + The kiver-hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves an' tea an' kiver + 'ould all come down _kerswosh!_ ez though the dam broke in a river. + Jest so 't is here; holl months there aint a day o' rainy weather, + An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be alayin' heads together + Ez t' how they 'd mix their drink at sech a milingtary deepot,-- + 'T 'ould pour ez though the lid wuz off the everlastin' teapot. + + The cons'quence is, thet I shall take, wen I 'm allowed to leave here, + One piece o' propaty along,--an' thet 's the shakin' fever; + It 's reggilar employment, though, an' thet aint thought to harm one, + Nor 't aint so tiresome ez it wuz with t' other leg an' arm on; + An' it 's a consolation, tu, although it does n't pay, + To hev it said you 're some gret shakes in any kin' o' way. + 'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought o' fortin-makin',-- + One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an' next ez good ez bakin',-- + One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' in the mashes,-- + Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' hacks an' smashes. + But then, thinks I, at any rate there 's glory to be hed,-- + Thet 's an investment, arter all, thet may n't turn out so bad; + But somehow, wen we 'd fit an' licked, I ollers found the thanks + Gut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low down ez the ranks; + The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the Cunnles next, an' so on,-- + _We_ never gut a blasted mite o' glory ez I know on; + An' spose we hed, I wonder how you 're goin' to contrive its + Division so 's to give a piece to twenty thousand privits; + Ef you should multiply by ten the portion o' the brav'st one, + You would n't git more 'n half enough to speak of on a grave-stun; + We git the licks,--we 're jest the grist thet 's put into War's + hoppers; + Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps pick up the coppers. + It may suit folks thet go agin a body with a soul in 't, + An' aint contented with a hide without a bagnet hole in 't; + But glory is a kin' o' thing _I_ shan't pursue no furder, + Coz thet 's the off'cers parquisite,--yourn 's on'y jest the murder. + + Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I at least there 's one + Thing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet 's the GLORIOUS FUN; + Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may persume we + All day an' night shall revel in the halls o' Montezumy. + I 'll tell ye wut _my_ revels wuz, an' see how you would like 'em; + _We_ never gut inside the hall: the nighest ever _I_ come + Wuz stan'in' sentry in the sun (an', fact, it _seemed_ a cent'ry) + A ketchin' smells o' biled an' roast thet come out thru the entry, + An' hearin', ez I sweltered thru my passes an' repasses, + A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty-clink o' glasses: + I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals hed inside + All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' soles wuz fried, + An' not a hunderd miles away frum ware this child wuz posted, + A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled an' roasted; + The on'y thing like revellin' thet ever come to me + Wuz bein' routed out o' sleep by thet darned revelee. + + They say the quarrel 's settled now; fer my part I 've some doubt + on 't, + 'T 'll take more fish-skin than folks think to take the rile clean + out on 't; + At any rate, I 'm so used up I can't do no more fightin', + The on'y chance thet 's left to me is politics or writin'; + Now, ez the people 's gut to hev a milingtary man, + An' I aint nothin' else jest now, I 've hit upon a plan; + The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit me to a T, + An' ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge another flea; + So I 'll set up ez can'idate fer any kin' o' office + (I mean fer any thet includes good easy-cheers an' soffies; + Fer ez to runnin' fer a place ware work 's the time o' day, + You know thet 's wut I never did,--except the other way); + Ef it 's the Presidential cheer fer wich I 'd better run, + Wut two legs anywares about could keep up with my one? + There aint no kin' o' quality in can'idates, it 's said, + So useful ez a wooden leg,--except a wooden head; + There 's nothin' aint so poppylar--(wy, it 's a parfect sin + To think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy Anny's pin;)-- + Then I haint gut no principles, an', sence I wuz knee-high, + I never _did_ hev any gret, ez you can testify; + I 'm a decided peace-man, tu, an' go agin the war,-- + Fer now the holl on 't 's gone an' past, wut is there to go _for_? + Ef, wile you 're 'lectioneerin' round, some curus chaps should beg + To know my views o' state affairs, jest answer WOODEN LEG! + Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o' pry an' doubt + An' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest say ONE EYE PUT OUT! + Thet kin' o' talk I guess you 'll find 'll answer to a charm, + An' wen you 're druv tu nigh the wall, hol' up my missin' arm; + Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put on a vartoous look + An' tell 'em thet 's percisely wut I never gin nor--took! + + Then you can call me "Timbertoes,"--thet 's wut the people likes; + Sutthin' combinin' morril truth with phrases sech ez strikes; + Some say the people 's fond o' this, or thet, or wut you please,-- + I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct idees; + "Old Timbertoes," you see 's a creed it 's safe to be quite bold on, + There 's nothin' in 't the other side can any ways git hold on; + It 's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to embody + Thet valooable class o' men who look thru brandy-toddy; + It gives a Party Platform tu, jest level with the mind + Of all right-thinkin', honest folks thet mean to go it blind; + Then there air other good hooraws to dror on ez you need 'em, + Sech ez the ONE-EYED SLARTERER, the BLOODY BIRDOFREDUM; + Them 's wut takes hold o' folks thet think, ez well ez o' the masses, + An' makes you sartin o' the aid o' good men of all classes. + + There 's one thing I 'm in doubt about; in order to be Presidunt, + It 's absolutely ne'ssary to be a Southern residunt; + The Constitution settles thet, an' also thet a feller + Must own a nigger o' some sort, jet black, or brown, or yeller. + Now I haint no objections agin particklar climes, + Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth sometimes), + But, ez I haint no capital, up there among ye, may be, + You might raise funds enough fer me to buy a low-priced baby, + An' then, to suit the No'thern folks, who feel obleeged to say + They hate an' cuss the very thing they vote fer every day, + Say you 're assured I go full butt fer Libbaty's diffusion + An' made the purchis on'y jest to spite the Institootion;-- + But, golly! there 's the currier's hoss upon the pavement pawin'! + I 'll be more 'xplicit in my next. + + Yourn, + + BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN. + + +[We have now a tolerably fair chance of estimating how the balance-sheet +stands between our returned volunteer and glory. Supposing the entries +to be set down on both sides of the account in fractional parts of one +hundred, we shall arrive at something like the following result:-- + + + _Cr._ B. SAWIN, Esq., _in account with_ (BLANK) GLORY. _Dr._ + + By loss of one leg 20 To one 675th three cheers + " do. one arm 15 in Faneuil Hall 30 + " do. four fingers 5 " do. do. on occasion + " do. one eye 10 of presentation of + " the breaking of six ribs 6 sword to Colonel Wright 25 + " having served under " one suit of grey clothes + Colonel Cushing one (ingeniously unbecoming) 15 + month 44 " musical entertainments + (drum and fife six + months) 5 + " one dinner after return 1 + " chance of pension 1 + " privilege of drawing + longbow during rest of + natural life 23 + ---- ---- + E. E. 100 100 + + +It would appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast curiously the +reverse of the bill of fare advertised in Faneuil Hall and other places. +His primary object seems to have been the making of his fortune. +_Quaerenda pecunia primum, virtus post nummos._ He hoisted sail for +Eldorado, and shipwrecked on Point Tribulation. _Quid non mortalia +pectora cogis, auri sacra fames?_ The speculation has sometimes crossed +my mind, in that dreary interval of drought which intervenes between +quarterly stipendiary showers, that Providence, by the creation of a +money-tree, might have simplified wonderfully the sometimes perplexing +problem of human life. We read of bread-trees, the butter for which lies +ready-churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in South +America, and stout Sir John Hawkins testifies to water-trees in the +Canaries. Boot-trees bear abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere; and I have +seen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair show of +fruit. A family-tree I once cultivated myself, and found therefrom but a +scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and innutritious. Of trees +bearing men we are not without examples; as those in the park of Louis +the Eleventh of France. Who has forgotten, moreover, that olive-tree +growing in the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange uxorious crop, +for the general propagation of which, as of a new and precious variety, +the philosopher Diogenes, hitherto uninterested in arboriculture, was so +zealous? In the _sylva_ of our own Southern States, the females of my +family have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to multiply +examples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in the smaller +branches of which has been implanted so miraculous a virtue for +communicating the Latin and Greek languages, and which may well +therefore be classed among the trees producing necessaries of +life,--_venerabile donum fatalis virgae_. That money-trees existed in the +golden age there want not prevalent reasons for our believing. For does +not the old proverb, when it asserts that money does not grow on _every_ +bush, imply _a fortiori_, that there were certain bushes which did +produce it? Again, there is another ancient saw to the effect that money +is the _root_ of all evil. From which two adages it may be safe to infer +that the aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, then +absconded underground, and finally, in our iron age, vanished +altogether. In favourable exposures it may be conjectured that a +specimen or two survived to a great age, as in the garden of the +Hesperides; and, indeed, what else could that tree in the Sixth AEneid +have been, with a branch whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to a +territory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to a +certain other more profitable (too) foreign kingdom? Whether these +speculations of mine have any force in them, or whether they will not +rather, by most readers, be deemed impertinent to the matter in hand, is +a question which I leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. +That there were, in more primitive and happier times, shops where money +was sold,--and that, too, on credit and at a bargain,--I take to be +matter of demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was that +AEolus who supplied Ulysses with motive power for his fleet in bags? What +that Ericus, king of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in his +cap? What, in more recent times, those Lapland Nornas who traded in +favourable breezes? All which will appear the more clearly when we +consider, that, even to this day, _raising the wind_ is proverbial for +raising money, and that brokers and banks were invented by the Venetians +at a later period. + +And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a parallel to Mr. +Sawin's fortune in an adventure of my own. For, shortly after I had +first broached to myself the before-stated natural-historical and +archaeological theories, as I was passing, _haec negotia penitus mecum +revolvens_, through one of the obscure suburbs of our New England +metropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a sign-board,--CHEAP +CASH-STORE. Here was at once the confirmation of my speculations, and +the substance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, +or stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a more +fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes of Sawin, +as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruiting-office window, or +speculated from the summit of that mirage-Pisgah which the imps of the +bottle are so cunning in raising up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy +(even during that first half-believing glance) expended in various +useful directions the funds to be obtained by pledging the manuscript of +a proposed volume of discourses. Already did a clock ornament the tower +of the Jaalam meeting-house--a gift appropriately, but modestly, +commemorated in the parish and town records, both, for now many years, +kept by myself. Already had my son Seneca completed his course at the +University. Whether, for the moment, we may not be considered as +actually lording it over those Baratarias with the viceroyalty of which +Hope invests us, and whether we are ever so warmly housed as in our +Spanish castles, would afford matter of argument. Enough that I found +that sign-board to be no other than a bait to the trap of a decayed +grocer. Nevertheless, I bought a pound of dates (getting short weight by +reason of immense flights of harpy flies, who pursued and lighted upon +their prey even in the very scales), which purchase I made, not only +with an eye to the little ones at home, but also as a figurative reproof +of that too-frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the due order +of chronology, will often persuade me that the happy sceptre of Saturn +is stretched over this Astraea-forsaken nineteenth century. + +Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the title _Sawin, B._, let +us extend our investigations, and discover if that instructive volume +does not contain some charges more personally interesting to ourselves. +I think we should be more economical of our resources, did we thoroughly +appreciate the fact, that, whenever Brother Jonathan seems to be +thrusting his hand into his own pocket, he is, in fact, picking ours. I +confess that the late _muck_ which the country has been running, has +materially changed my views as to the best method of raising revenue. +If, by means of direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinary +outlay were brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thrifty +housekeepers, we could see where and how fast the money was going, we +should be less likely to commit extravagances. At present, these things +are managed in such a hugger-mugger way, that we know not what we pay +for; the poor man is charged as much as the rich; and, while we are +saving and scrimping at the spigot, the government is drawing off at the +bung. If we could know that a part of the money we expend for tea and +coffee goes to buy powder and ball, and that it is Mexican blood which +makes the clothes on our backs more costly, it would set some of us +athinking. During the present fall, I have often pictured to myself a +government official entering my study, and handing me the following +bill:-- + + + WASHINGTON, Sept. 30, 1848. + + REV. HOMER WILBUR _to_ UNCLE SAMUEL, _Dr._ + + To his share of work done in Mexico on partnership + account, sundry jobs, as below. + + " killing, maiming, and wounding about 5,000 Mexicans $2.00 + + " slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded .10 + + " extra work on two different Sabbaths (one bombardment + and one assault) whereby the Mexicans were prevented + from defiling themselves with the idolatries of high + mass 3.50 + + " throwing an especially fortunate and Protestant + bomb-shell into the Cathedral at Vera Cruz, whereby + several female Papists were slain at the altar .50 + + " his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory 1.75 + + " do. do. for conquering do. 1.50 + + " manuring do. with new superior compost called + "American Citizen" .50 + + " extending the area of freedom and Protestantism .01 + + " glory .01 + ------ + $9.87 + + _Immediate payment is requested._ + +N.B. Thankful for former favours, U. S. requests a continuance of +patronage. Orders executed with neatness and despatch. Terms as low as +those of any other contractor for the same kind and style of work. + + +I can fancy the official answering my look of horror with,--"Yes, Sir, +it looks like a high charge, Sir; but in these days slaughtering is +slaughtering." Verily, I would that every one understood that it was; +for it goes about obtaining money under the false pretence of being +glory. For me, I have an imagination which plays me uncomfortable +tricks. It happens to me sometimes to see a slaughterer on his way home +from his day's work, and forthwith my imagination puts a cocked-hat upon +his head, and epaulettes upon his shoulders, and sets him up as a +candidate for the Presidency. So, also, on a recent public occasion, as +the place assigned to the "Reverend Clergy" is just behind that of +"Officers of the Army and Navy" in processions, it was my fortune to be +seated at the dinner-table over against one of these respectable +persons. He was arrayed as (out of his own profession) only kings, +court-officers, and footmen are in Europe, and Indians in America. Now +what does my over-officious imagination but set to work upon him, strip +him of his gay livery, and present him to me coatless, his trousers +thrust into the tops of a pair of boots thick with clotted blood, and a +basket on his arm out of which lolled a gore-smeared axe, thereby +destroying my relish for the temporal mercies upon the board before +me.--H. W.] + + + + +No. IX. + +A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ. + + +[Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful. In what +river Selemnus has Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has become so swiftly +oblivious of his former loves? From an ardent and (as befits a soldier) +confident wooer of that coy bride, the popular favour, we see him +subside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) Cincinnatus, returning +to his plough with a goodly-sized branch of willow in his hand; +figuratively returning, however, to a figurative plough, and from no +profound affection for that honoured implement of husbandry (for which, +indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any decided predilection), but in +order to be gracefully summoned therefrom to more congenial labours. It +would seem that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part of +the recognised stock of our modern political comedy, though, as our term +of office extends to a quadrennial length, the parallel is not so +minutely exact as could be desired. It is sufficiently so, however, for +purposes of scenic representation. An humble cottage (if built of logs, +the better) forms the Arcadian background of the stage. This rustic +paradise is labeled Ashland, Jaalam, North Bend, Marshfield, Kinderhook, +or Baton Rouge, as occasion demands. Before the door stands a something +with one handle (the other painted in proper perspective), which +represents, in happy ideal vagueness, the plough. To this the defeated +candidate rushes with delirious joy, welcomed as a father by +appropriate groups of happy labourers, or from it the successful one is +torn with difficulty, sustained alone by a noble sense of public duty. +Only I have observed, that, if the scene be laid at Baton Rouge or +Ashland, the labourers are kept carefully in the background, and are +heard to shout from behind the scenes in a singular tone, resembling +ululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike vigorous clapping. +This, however, may be artistically in keeping with the habits of the +rustic population of those localities. The precise connexion between +agricultural pursuits and statesmanship I have not been able, after +diligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my investigations may not be +barren of all fruit, I will mention one curious statistical fact, which +I consider thoroughly established, namely, that no real farmer ever +attains practically beyond a seat in General Court, however +theoretically qualified for more exalted station. + +It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to Mr. Sawin, +and that he has not made this great sacrifice without some definite +understanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet, or a foreign mission. +It may be supposed that we of Jaalam were not untouched by a feeling of +villatic pride in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space in +the public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications necessary +to a candidate in these frugal times, those of Mr. S. seemed peculiarly +adapted to a successful campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, and +four fingers, reduced him so nearly to the condition of a _vox et +praeterea nihil_, that I could think of nothing but the loss of his head +by which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has chosen to +baulk our suffrages, we must content ourselves with what we can get, +remembering _lactucas non esse dandas, dum cardui sufficiant_.--H. W.] + + + I spose you recollect thet I explained my gennle views + In the last billet thet I writ, 'way down frum Veery Cruze, + Jest arter I 'd a kind o' ben spontanously sot up + To run unanimously fer the Presidential cup; + O' course it worn't no wish o' mine, 't wuz ferfiely distressin', + But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin' + Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an' fussed an' sorrered, + There did n't seem no ways to stop their bringin' on me forrerd: + Fact is, they udged the matter so, I could n't help admittin' + The Father o' his Country's shoes no feet but mine 'ould fit in, + Besides the savin' o' the soles fer ages to succeed, + Seein' thet with one wannut foot, a pair 'd be more 'n I need; + An', tell ye wut, them shoes 'll want a thund'rin' sight o' patchin', + Ef this ere fashion is to last we 've gut into o' hatchin' + A pair o' second Washintons fer every new election,-- + Though, fur ez number one 's consarned, I don't make no objection. + + I wuz agoin' on to say thet wen at fust I saw + The masses would stick to 't I wuz the Country's father-'n-law + (They would ha' hed it _Father_, but I told 'em 't would n't du, + Coz thet wuz sutthin' of a sort they could n't split in tu, + An' Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his door, + Nor dars n't say 't worn't his'n, much ez sixty year afore), + But 't aint no matter ez to thet; wen I wuz nomernated, + 'T worn't natur but wut I should feel consid'able elated, + An' wile the hooraw o' the thing wuz kind o' noo an' fresh, + I thought our ticket would ha' caird the country with a resh. + + Sence I 've come hum, though, an' looked round, I think I seem to find + Strong argimunts ez thick ez fleas to make me change my mind; + It 's clear to any one whose brain ain't fur gone in a phthisis, + Thet hail Columby's happy land is goin' thru a crisis, + An' 't would n't noways du to hev the people's mind distracted + By bein' all to once by sev'ral pop'lar names attackted; + 'T would save holl haycartloads o' fuss an' three four months o' jaw, + Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an' withdraw; + So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like--like ole (I swow, + I dunno ez I know his name)--I 'll go back to my plough. + Now, 't aint no more 'n is proper 'n' right in sech a sitooation + To hint the course you think 'll be the savin' o' the nation; + To funk right out o' p'lit'cal strife aint thought to be the thing, + Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks should sing; + So I edvise the noomrous friends thet 's in one boat with me + To jest up killock, jam right down their hellum hard a lee, + Haul the sheets taut, an', laying out upon the Suthun tack, + Make fer the safest port they can, wich, _I_ think, is Ole Zack. + + Next thing you 'll want to know, I spose, wut argimunts I seem + To see thet makes me think this ere 'll be the strongest team; + Fust place, I've ben consid'ble round in bar-rooms an' saloons + Agethrin' public sentiment, 'mongst Demmercrats and Coons, + An' 't aint ve'y offen thet I meet a chap but wut goes in + Fer Rough an' Ready, fair an' square, hufs, taller, horns, an' skin; + I don't deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see, + I didn't like at fust the Pheladelphy nomernee; + I could ha' pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a peg + Higher than him,--a soger, tu, an' with a wooden leg; + But every day with more an' more o' Taylor zeal I 'm burnin', + Seein' wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin'; + Wy, into Bellers's we notched the votes down on three sticks,-- + 'T wuz Birdofredum _one_, Cass _aught_, an' Taylor _twenty-six_, + An', bein' the on'y canderdate thet wuz upon the ground, + They said 't wuz no more 'n right thet I should pay the drinks all + round; + Ef I 'd expected sech a trick, I would n't ha' cut my foot + By goin' an' votin' fer myself like a consumed coot; + It did n't make no diff'rence, though; I wish I may be cust, + Ef Bellers wuz n't slim enough to say he would n't trust! + + Another pint thet influences the minds o' sober jedges + Is thet the Gin'ral hez n't gut tied hand an' foot with pledges; + He hez n't told ye wut he is, an' so there aint no knowin' + But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin'; + This, at the on'y spot thet pinched, the shoe directly eases, + Coz every one is free to 'xpect percisely wut he pleases: + I want free-trade; you don't; the Gin'ral is n't bound to neither;-- + I vote my way; you, yourn; an' both air sooted to a T there. + Ole Rough an' Ready, tu, 's a Wig, but without bein' ultry + (He 's like a holsome hayinday, thet 's warm, but is n't sultry); + He 's jest wut I should call myself, a kin' o' _scratch_, ez 't ware, + Thet aint exacly all a wig nor wholly your own hair; + I 've ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o' this mod'rate sort, + An' don't find them an' Demmercrats so different ez I thought; + They both act pooty much alike, an' push an' scrouge an' cus; + They 're like two pickpockets in league fer Uncle Samwell's pus; + Each takes a side, an' then they squeeze the old man in between 'em, + Turn all his pockets wrong side out an' quick ez lightnin' clean 'em; + To nary one on 'em I 'd trust a secon'-handed rail + No furder off 'an I could sling a bullock by the tail. + Webster sot matters right in that air Mashfiel' speech o' his'n;-- + "Taylor," sez he, "aint nary ways the one thet I 'd a chizzen, + Nor he ain't fittin' fer the place, an' like ez not he aint + No more 'n a tough ole bullethead, an' no gret of a saint; + But then," sez he, "obsarve my pint, he's jest ez good to vote fer + Ez though the greasin' on him worn't a thing to hire Choate fer; + Aint it ez easy done to drop a ballot in a box + Fer one ez 't is fer t' other, fer the bulldog ez the fox?" + It takes a mind like Dannel's, fact, ez big ez all ou' doors, + To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours; + I 'gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to vote + Fer Taylor arter all,--it 's jest to go an' change your coat; + Wen he's once greased, you 'll swaller him an' never know on't, source, + Unless he scratches, goin' down, with them air Gin'ral's spurs. + I 've ben a votin' Demmercrat, ez reg'lar ez a clock, + But don't find goin' Taylor gives my narves no gret 'f a shock; + Truth is, the cutest leadin' Wigs, ever sence fust they found + Wich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep' a edgin' round; + They kin' o' slipt the planks frum out th' ole platform one by one + An' made it gradooally noo, 'fore folks know'd wut wuz done, + Till, fur 'z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay my han' on, + But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf'table to stan' on, + An' ole Wig doctrines act'lly look, their occ'pants bein' gone, + Lonesome ez staddles on a mash without no hay-ricks on. + + I spose it 's time now I should give my thoughts upon the plan, + Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o' settin' up ole Van. + I used to vote fer Martin, but, I swan, I 'm clean disgusted,-- + He aint the man thet I can say is fittin' to be trusted; + He aint half antislav'ry 'nough, nor I aint sure, ez some be, + He 'd go in fer abolishin' the Deestrick o' Columby; + An', now I come to recollect, it kin' o' makes me sick 'z + A horse, to think o' wut he wuz in eighteen thirty-six. + An' then, another thing;--I guess, though mebby I am wrong, + This Buff'lo plaster aint agoin' to dror almighty strong; + Some folks, I know, hev gut th' idee thet No'thun dough 'll rise, + Though, 'fore I see it riz an' baked, I would n't trust my eyes; + 'T will take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noo party 's gut, + To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut. + But even ef they caird the day, there would n't be no endurin' + To stand upon a platform with sech critters ez Van Buren;-- + An' his son John, tu, I can't think how thet air chap should dare + To speak ez he doos; wy, they say he used to cuss an' swear! + I spose he never read the hymn thet tells how down the stairs + A feller with long legs wuz throwed thet would n't say his prayers. + + This brings me to another pint: the leaders o' the party + Aint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an' hearty; + They aint not quite respectable, an' wen a feller's morrils + Don't toe the straightest kin' o' mark, wy, him an' me jest quarrils. + I went to a free soil meetin' once, an' wut d' ye think I see? + A feller wuz aspoutin' there thet act'lly come to me, + About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge, + An' axed me ef I didn't want to sign the Temprunce pledge! + He 's one o' them thet goes about an' sez you hed n't ough' to + Drink nothin', mornin', noon, or night, stronger 'an Taunton water. + There 's one rule I 've ben guided by, in settlin' how to vote, + ollers,-- + I take the side thet _is n't_ took by them consarned tee-totallers. + + Ez fer the niggers, I 've been South, an' thet hez changed my mind; + A lazier, more ungrateful set you could n't nowers find. + You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger, + Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger; + So, ez there 's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an gunnin', + I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'. + I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I come t' th' swamp, + 'T worn't very long afore I gut upon the nest o' Pomp; + I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', playin' round the door, + Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more. + At fust I thought o' firin', but _think twice_ is safest ollers; + There aint, thinks I, not one on em' but 's wuth his twenty dollars, + Or would be, ef I hed 'em back into a Christian land,-- + How temptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction-stand! + (Not but wut _I_ hate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to starn,-- + I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.) + Soon 'z they see _me_, they yelled an' run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein' + A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin' + He would n't ha' took a pop at me; but I hed gut the start, + An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he'd broke his heart; + He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur, + The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite! wus 'an a boy constrictur. + "You can 't gum _me_, I tell ye now, an' so you need n't try, + I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up," sez I. + "Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else I 'll jest let strip, + You 'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I 've gut ye on the hip; + Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disaster + To be benev'lently druv back to a contented master, + Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem quite aware of, + Or you 'd ha' never run away from bein' well took care of; + Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he said + He 'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, 'live or dead; + Wite folks aint sot by half ez much; 'member I run away, + Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot bay; + Don' know him, likely? Spose not; wal, the mean ole codger went + An' offered--wut reward, think? Wal, it worn't no _less_ 'n a cent." + + Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an druv 'em on afore me, + The pis'nous brutes, I 'd no idee o' the ill-will they bore me; + We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew so hot + I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot + Jest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot; + Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe, + An' laid it down jest by my side, supposin' all wuz safe; + I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring, + An' sot an' kin' o' ciphered up how much the lot would bring; + But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an' mind + (Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then), Pomp he snaked up behind, + An', creepin' grad'lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink, + Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an you could wink, + An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a tree, + An' Pomp poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see, + An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my gun, + Or else thet they 'd cair off the leg an' fairly cut the run. + I vow I did n't b'lieve there wuz a decent alligatur + Thet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur; + However, ez there worn't no help, I finally gev in + An' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin. + Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an' then he come an' grinned, + He showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, "You 're fairly pinned; + Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an' come, + 'T wun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long from hum." + At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I would n't budge. + "Jest ez you choose," sez he, quite cool, "either be shot or trudge." + So this black-hearted monster took an' act'lly druv me back + Along the very feetmarks o' my happy mornin' track, + An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six months, an' worked me, tu, like sin, + Till I bed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in; + He made me larn him readin', tu (although the crittur saw + How much it hurt my morril sense to act agin the law), + So 'st he could read a Bible he 'd gut; an' axed ef I could pint + The North Star out; but there I put his nose some out o' jint, + Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookin' up a bit, + Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet wuz it. + Fin'lly, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick, + Sez,--"Ef you know wut 's best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick; + The winter-time 's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye cheap, + You 're so darned lazy, I don't think you 're hardly wuth your keep; + Besides, the childrin's growin' up, an' you aint jest the model + I 'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you 'd better toddle!" + + Now is there any thin' on airth 'll ever prove to me + Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' free? + D' you think they 'll suck me in to jine the Buff'lo chaps, an' them + Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem? + Not by a jugfull! sooner 'n thet, I 'd go thru fire an' water; + Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint sotter; + No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin',-- + I guess we 're in a Christian land,-- + + Yourn, + + BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN. + + +[Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with some +mutual satisfaction. I say _patient_, for I love not that kind which +skims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows over a pool +before rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. But if no pearls +there be (as, indeed, the world is not without example of books +wherefrom the longest-winded diver shall bring up no more than his +proper handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may reward +adequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patience +itself a gem worth diving deeply for. + +It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by my own +private lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring against me that old +jest of him who preached all his hearers out of the meeting-house save +only the sexton, who, remaining for yet a little space, from a sense of +official duty, at last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humbly +requested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should have wholly +relieved himself of his testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in the +self act of preaching, nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrown +away even upon a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily +believe that the Gospel of St. John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to be +read in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his first meeting +with them, fell altogether upon stony ground. For the earnestness of the +preacher is a sermon appreciable by dullest intellects and most alien +ears. In this wise did Episcopius convert many to his opinions, who yet +understood not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is, +that the messenger believe that he has an authentic message to deliver. +For counterfeit messengers that mode of treatment which Father John de +Plano Carpini relates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seem +effectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may lay +claim to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me to go +into banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal +drave out of his kingdom for refusing to shorten their pulpit eloquence. +It is possible, that, having been invited into my brother Biglow's +desk, I may have been too little scrupulous in using it for the venting +of my own peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the +expectation and with the desire of hearing him. + +I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental organization +which impels me, like the railroad-engine with its train of cars, to run +backward for a short distance in order to obtain a fairer start. I may +compare myself to one fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, +who, misinterpreting the suction of the undertow for the biting of some +larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he has _caught bottom_, +hauling in upon the end of his line a trail of various _algae_, among +which, nevertheless, the naturalist may haply find somewhat to repay the +disappointment of the angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavoured to +adapt myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating more +and more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To the +catalogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of listening to +two-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged into a race of pigmies. +For, truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us in +print, the endless spinal column of divisions and subdivisions can be +likened to nothing so exactly as to the vertebrae of the saurians, whence +the theorist may conjecture a race of Anakim proportionate to the +withstanding of these other monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, +because there seem reasons for supposing that the race of those whose +heads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which that +name imports) will never become extinct. The attempt to vanquish the +innumerable _heads_ of one of those aforementioned discourses may supply +us with a plausible interpretation of the second labour of Hercules, and +his successful experiment with fire affords us a useful precedent. + +But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I cannot +refuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out through my study-window, +I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gathering his Baldwins, of which, +to judge by the number of barrels lying about under the trees, his crop +is more abundant than my own,--by which sight I am admonished to turn to +those orchards of the mind wherein my labours may be more prospered, and +apply myself diligently to the preparation of my next Sabbath's +discourse.--H. W.] + + + + +GLOSSARY. + + + A. + + Act'lly, _actually_. + + Air, _are_. + + Airth, _earth_. + + Airy, _area_. + + Aree, _area_. + + Arter, _after_. + + Ax, _ask_. + + + B. + + Beller, _bellow_. + + Bellowses, _lunge_. + + Ben, _been_. + + Bile, _boil_. + + Bimeby, _by and by_. + + Blurt out, _to speak bluntly_. + + Bust, _burst_. + + Buster, _a roistering blade_; + used also as a general superlative. + + + C. + + Caird, _carried_. + + Cairn, _carrying_. + + Caleb, _a turncoat_. + + Cal'late, _calculate_. + + Cass, _a person with two lives_. + + Close, _clothes_. + + Cockerel, _a young cock_. + + Cocktail, _a kind of drink_; + also, _an ornament peculiar to soldiers_. + + Convention, _a place where people are imposed on_; + _a juggler's show_. + + Coons, _a cant term for a now defunct party_; + derived, perhaps, from the fact of their being commonly _up a tree_. + + Cornwallis, _a sort of muster in masquerade_; + supposed to have had its origin soon after the Revolution, and to + commemorate the surrender of Lord Cornwallis. It took the + place of the old Guy Fawkes procession. + + Crooked stick, _a perverse, froward person_. + + Cunnle, _a colonel_. + + Cus, _a curse_; + also, _a pitiful fellow_. + + + D. + + Darsn't, used indiscriminately, either in singular or plural number, + for _dare not_, _dares not_, and _dared not_. + + Deacon off, _to give the cue to_; + derived from a custom, once universal, but now extinct, in our New + England Congregational churches. An important part of the + office of deacon was to read aloud the hymns _given out_ by + the minister, one line at a time, the congregation singing + each line as soon as read. + + Demmercrat, leadin', _one in favour of extending slavery_; + _a free-trade lecturer maintained in the custom-house_. + + Desput, _desperate_. + + Doos, _does_. + + Doughface, _a contented lick-spittle_; + a common variety of Northern politician. + + Dror, _draw_. + + Du, _do_. + + Dunno, dno, _do not_ or _does not know_. + + Dut, _dirt_. + + + E. + + Eend, _end_. + + Ef, _if_. + + Emptins, _yeast_. + + Env'y, _envoy_. + + Everlasting, an intensive, without reference to duration. + + Ev'y, _every_. + + Ez, _as_. + + + F. + + Fer, _for_. + + Ferfle, ferful, _fearful_; + also an intensive. + + Fin', _find_. + + Fish-skin, used in New England to clarify coffee. + + Fix, _a difficulty_, _a nonplus_. + + Foller, folly, _to follow_. + + Forrerd, _forward_. + + Frum, _from_. + + Fur, _far_. + + Furder, _farther_. + + Furrer, _furrow_. + Metaphorically, _to draw a straight furrow_ is to live uprightly + or decorously. + + Fust, _first_. + + + G. + + Gin, _gave_. + + Git, _get_. + + Gret, _great_. + + Grit, _spirit_, _energy_, _pluck_. + + Grout, _to sulk_. + + Grouty, _crabbed_, _surly_. + + Gum, _to impose on_. + + Gump, _a foolish fellow_, _a dullard_. + + Gut, _got_. + + + H. + + Hed, _had_. + + Heern, _heard_. + + Hellum, _helm_. + + Hendy, _handy_. + + Het, _heated_. + + Hev, _have_. + + Hez, _has_. + + Holl, _whole_. + + Holt, _hold_. + + Huf, _hoof_. + + Hull, _whole_. + + Hum, _home_. + + Humbug, _General Taylor's antislavery_. + + Hut, _hurt_. + + + I. + + Idno, _I do not know_. + + In'my, _enemy_. + + Insines, _ensigns_; + used to designate both the officer who carries the standard, and the + standard itself. + + Inter, intu, _into_. + + + J. + + Jedge, _judge_. + + Jest, _just_. + + Jine, _join_. + + Jint, _joint_. + + Junk, _a fragment of any solid substance_. + + + K. + + Keer, _care_. + + Kep, _kept_. + + Killock, _a small anchor_. + + Kin', kin' o', kinder, _kind_, _kind of_. + + + L. + + Lawth, _loath_. + + Let day-light into, _to shoot_. + + Let on, _to hint_, _to confess_, _to own_. + + Lick, _to beat_, _to overcome_. + + Lights, _the bowels_. + + Lily-pads, _leaves of the water-lily_. + + Long-sweetening, _molasses_. + + Loon, _the northern diver_. + + + M. + + Mash, _marsh_. + + Mean, _stingy_, _ill-natured_. + + Min', _mind_. + + + N. + + Ned, a slang phrase, going it like Ned, equivalent to our 'going like + old Harry.' + + Nimepunce, _ninepence_, _twelve and a half cents_. + + Nowers, _nowhere_. + + + O. + + Offen, _often_. + + Ole, _old_. + + Ollers, olluz, _always_. + + On, _of_; + used before _it_ or _them_, or at the end of a sentence, as _on 't_, + _on 'em_, _nut ez ever I heerd on_. + + On'y, _only_. + + Ossifer, _officer_ (seldom heard). + + + P. + + Peaked, _pointed_. + + Peek, _to peep_. + + Pickerel, _the pike, a fish_. + + Pint, _point_. + + Pocket full of rocks, _plenty of money_. + + Pooty, _pretty_. + + Pop'ler, _conceited_, _popular_. + + Pus, _purse_. + + Put out, _troubled_, _vexed_. + + + Q. + + Quarter, _a quarter-dollar_. + + Queen's arm, _a musket_. + + + R. + + Resh, _rush_. + + Revelee, _the reveille_. + + Rile, _to trouble_. + + Riled, _angry_; + _disturbed_, as the sediment in any liquid. + + Riz, _risen_. + + Row, a long row to hoe, _a difficult task_. + + Rugged, _robust_. + + Row-de-dow, _troublesome talk_. + + + S. + + Sarse, _abuse_, _impertinence_. + + Sartin, _certain_. + + Saxon, _sacristan_, _sexton_. + + Scaliest, _worst_. + + Scringe, _cringe_. + + Scrouge, _to crowd_. + + Sech, _such_. + + Set by, _valued_. + + Shakes, great, _of considerable consequence_. + + Shappoes, _chapeaux_, _cocked-hats_. + + Sheer, _share_. + + Shet, _shut_. + + Shine, _a fancy or liking_, also written _shindy_. + + Shut, _shirt_. + + Skeered, _scared_. + + Skeeter, _mosquito_. + + Skooting, _running_ or _moving swiftly_. + + Slarterin', _slaughtering_. + + Slim, _contemptible_. + + Snaked, _crawled like a snake_; + but _to snake any one out_, is to track him to his hiding-place; + _to snake a thing out_ is to snatch it out. + + Soffies, _sofas_. + + Sogerin', _soldiering_; + a barbarous amusement common among men in the savage state. + + Som'ers, _somewhere_. + + So 'st, _so as that_. + + Sot, _set_, _obstinate_, _resolute_. + + Spiles, _spoils_; _objects of political ambition_. + + Spry, _active_. + + Staddles, _stout stakes driven into the salt marshes_, on which the + hay-ricks are set, and thus raised out of the reach of high + tides. + + Streaked, _uncomfortable_, _discomfited_. + + Suckle, _circle_. + + Sutthin', _something_. + + Suttin, _certain_. + + Swan, _to swear_. + + + T. + + Take on, _to sorrow_. + + Talents, _talons_. + + Taters, _potatoes_. + + Tell, _till_. + + Tetch, _touch_. + + Tetch tu, _to be able_; + used always after a negative in this sense. + + Tollable, _tolerable_. + + Toot, used derisively _for playing on any wind instrument_. + + Thru, _through_. + + Thundering, a euphemism common in New England, for the profane English + expression _devilish_. Perhaps derived from the belief, + common formerly, that thunder was caused by the Prince of + the Air, for some of whose accomplishments consult Cotton + Mather. + + Tu, _to_, _too_; + commonly has this sound when used emphatically, or at the end of a + sentence. At other times it has the sound of _t_ in _tough_, + as _Ware ye goin' tu? Goin' ta Boston_. + + + U. + + Ugly, _ill-tempered_, _intractable_. + + Uncle Sam, _United States_; + the largest boaster of liberty and owner of slaves. + + Unrizzest, applied to dough or bread; + _heavy_, _most unrisen_, or _most incapable of rising_. + + + V + + V spot, _a five-dollar bill_. + + Vally, _value_. + + + W. + + Wake snakes, _to get into trouble_. + + Wal, _well_; + spoken with great deliberation, and sometimes with the _a_ very much + flattened, sometimes (but more seldom) very much broadened. + + Wannut, _walnut_ (_hickory_). + + Ware, _where_. + + Ware, _were_. + + Whopper, _an uncommonly large lie_; + as, that General Taylor is in favour of the Wilmot Proviso. + + Wig, _Whig_; + a party now dissolved. + + Wiz, _to whiz_; + _go off_ (like a rocket). + + Wunt, _will not_. + + Wus, _worse_. + + Wut, _what_. + + Wuth, _worth_; + as, _Antislavery perfessions 'fore 'lection aint wuth a Bungtown + copper_. + + Wuz, _was_, sometimes _were_. + + + Y. + + Yaller, _yellow_. + + Yeller, _yellow_. + + Yellers, _a disease of peach-trees_. + + + Z. + + Zach, Ole, _a second Washington_, _an antislavery slaveholder_, _a + humane buyer and seller of men and women_, _a Christian hero + generally_. + + + + +INDEX. + + + A. B., information wanted concerning, 76. + + Adam, eldest son of, respected, 10. + + AEneas goes to hell, 101. + + AEolus, a seller of money, as is supposed by some, 101. + + AEschylus, a saying of, 51, _note_. + + Alligator, a decent one conjectured to be, in some sort, humane, 120. + + Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal, tyrannical act of, 120. + + Ambrose, Saint, excellent (but rationalistic) sentiment of, 35. + + "American Citizen," new compost so called, 104. + + American Eagle, a source of inspiration, 45 + --hitherto wrongly classed, 51 + --long bill of, 51. + + Amos, cited, 34. + + Anakim, that they formerly existed, shown, 124. + + Angels, providentially speak French, 23 + --conjectured to be skilled in all tongues, _ib._ + + Anglo-Saxondom, its idea, what, 21. + + Anglo-Saxon mask, 21. + + Anglo-Saxon race, 16. + + Anglo-Saxon verse, by whom carried to perfection, 11. + + Antonius, a speech of, 40 + --by whom best reported, _ib._ + + Apocalypse, beast in, magnetic to theologians, 83. + + Apollo, confessed mortal by his own oracle, 83. + + Apollyon, his tragedies popular, 72. + + Appian, an Alexandrian, not equal to Shakspeare as an orator, 40. + + Ararat, ignorance of foreign tongues is an, 53. + + Arcadian background, 106. + + Aristophanes, 34. + + Arms, profession of, once esteemed especially that of gentlemen, 10. + + Arnold, 42. + + Ashland, 106. + + Astor, Jacob, a rich man, 91. + + Astraea, nineteenth century forsaken by, 102. + + Athenians, ancient, an institution of, 41. + + Atherton, Senator, envies the loon, 60. + + Austin, St., profane wish of, 43, _note_. + + Aye-Aye, the, an African animal, America supposed to be settled by, 25. + + + Babel, probably the first Congress, 53 + --a gabble-mill, _ib._ + + Baby, a low-priced one, 98. + + Bagowind, Hon. Mr., whether to be damned, 63. + + Baldwin apples, 125. + + Baratarias, real or imaginary, which most pleasant, 102. + + Barnum, a great natural curiosity recommended to, 49. + + Barrels, an inference from seeing, 125. + + Baton Rouge, 106 + --strange peculiarities of labourers at, 107. + + Baxter, R., a saying of, 35. + + Bay, Mattysqumscot, 119. + + Bay State, singular effect produced on military officers by leaving + it, 21. + + Beast in Apocalypse, a loadstone, for whom, 83. + + Beelzebub, his rigadoon, 61. + + Behmen, his letters not letters, 76. + + Bellers, a saloon-keeper, 111 + --inhumanly refuses credit to a presidential candidate, 112. + + Biglow, Ezekiel, his letter to Hon. J. T. Buckingham, 1 + --never heard of any one named Mundishes, 2 + --nearly four-score years old, _ib._ + --his aunt Keziah, a notable saying of, 3. + + Biglow, Hosea, excited by composition, 2 + --a poem by, 3, 66 + --his opinion of war, 4 + --wanted at home by Nancy, 7 + --recommends a forcible enlistment of warlike editors, _ib._ + --would not wonder, if generally agreed with, 9 + --versifies letter of Mr. Sawin, 11 + --a letter from, 12, 57, 77 + --his opinion of Mr. Sawin, 12 + --does not deny fun at Cornwallis, 14, _note_ + --his idea of militia glory, 17, _note_ + --a pun of, 18, _note_ + --is uncertain in regard to people of Boston, _ib._ + --had never heard of Mr. John P. Robinson, 27 + --_aliquid sufflaminandus_, 28 + --his poems attributed to a Mr. Lowell, 33 + --is unskilled in Latin, _ib._ + --his poetry maligned by some, 34 + --his disinterestedness, _ib._ + --his deep share in commonweal, _ib._ + --his claim to the presidency, _ib._ + --his mowing, _ib._ + --resents being called Whig, 35 + --opposed to tariff, _ib._ + --obstinate, _ib._ + --infected with peculiar notions, _ib._ + --reports a speech, 40 + --emulates historians of antiquity, _ib._ + --his character sketched from a hostile point of view, 52 + --a request of his complied with, 64 + --appointed at a public meeting in Jaalam, 77 + --confesses ignorance, in one minute particular, of propriety, _ib._ + --his opinion of cocked hats, _ib._ + --letter to, _ib._ + --called "Dear Sir," by a general, _ib._ + --probably receives same compliment from two hundred and nine, _ib._ + --picks his apples, 125 + --his crop of Baldwins conjecturally large, _ib._ + + Billings, Dea. Cephas, 14. + + Birch, virtue of, in instilling certain of the dead languages, 100. + + Bird of our country sings hosanna, 16. + + Blind, to go it, 98. + + Blitz pulls ribbons from his mouth, 16. + + Bluenose potatoes, smell of, eagerly desired, 17. + + Bobtail obtains a cardinal's hat, 25. + + Bolles, Mr. Secondary, author of prize peace essay, 15 + --presents sword to Lieutenant Colonel, _ib._ + --a fluent orator, _ib._ + --found to be in error, 17. + + Bonaparte, N., a usurper, 83. + + Boot-trees, productive, where, 100. + + Boston, people of, supposed educated, 18, _note_. + + Brahmins, navel-contemplating, 74. + + Bread-trees, 100. + + Brigadier-Generals in militia, devotion of, 38. + + Brown, Mr., engages in an unequal contest, 63. + + Browne, Sir T., a pious and wise sentiment of, cited and commended, 11. + + Buckingham, Hon. J. T., editor of the Boston Courier, letters to, 1, + 12, 33, 57 + --not afraid, 13. + + Buffalo, a plan hatched there, 115 + --plaster, a prophecy in regard to, _ib._ + + Buncombe, in the other world supposed, 41. + + Bung, the eternal, thought to be loose, 7. + + Bungtown Fencibles, dinner of, 26. + + Butter in Irish bogs, 100. + + + C., General, commended for parts, 29 + --for ubiquity, _ib._ + --for consistency, _ib._ + --for fidelity, _ib._ + --is in favour of war, _ib._ + --his curious valuation of principle, _ib._ + + Caesar, tribute to, 66 + --his _veni, vidi, vici_, censured for undue prolixity, 85. + + Cainites, sect of, supposed still extant, 10. + + Caleb, a monopoly of his denied, 15 + --curious notions of, as to meaning of "shelter," 19 + --his definition of Anglo-Saxon, 20 + --charges Mexicans (not with bayonets, but) with improprieties, _ib._ + + Calhoun, Hon. J. C., his cow-bell curfew, light of the nineteenth + century to be extinguished at sound of, 55 + --cannot let go apron-string of the Past, _ib._ + --his unsuccessful tilt at Spirit of the Age, 56 + --the Sir Kay of modern chivalry, _ib._ + --his anchor made of a crooked pin, 57 + --mentioned, 58-61. + + Cambridge Platform, use discovered for, 24. + + Canary Islands, 100. + + Candidate, presidential, letter from, 74 + --smells a rat, 78 + --against a bank, 79 + --takes a revolving position, _ib._ + --opinion of pledges, 80 + --is a periwig, _ib._ + --fronts south by north, 81 + --qualifications of, lessening, 85 + --wooden leg (and head) useful to, 96. + + Cape Cod clergymen, what, 24 + --Sabbath-breakers, perhaps, reproved by, _ib._ + + Carpini, Father John de Plano, among the Tartars, 123. + + Cartier, Jacques, commendable zeal of, 123. + + Cass, General, 59 + --clearness of his merit, 60 + --limited popularity at "Bellers's," 111. + + Castles, Spanish, comfortable accommodations in, 102. + + Cato, letters of, so called, suspended _naso adunco_, 76. + + C. D., friends of, can hear of him, 76. + + Chalk egg, we are proud of incubation of, 75. + + Chappelow on Job, a copy of, lost, 65. + + Cherubusco, news of, its effects on English royalty, 50. + + Chesterfield no letter-writer, 76. + + Chief Magistrate, dancing esteemed sinful by, 24. + + Children naturally speak Hebrew, 11. + + China-tree, 100. + + Chinese, whether they invented gunpowder before the Christian era, + _not_ considered, 25. + + Choate hired, 113. + + Christ shuffled into Apocrypha, 25 + --conjectured to disapprove of slaughter and pillage, 30 + --condemns a certain piece of barbarism, 63. + + Christianity, profession of, plebian, whether, 10. + + Christian soldiers, perhaps inconsistent, whether, 38. + + Cicero, an opinion of, disputed, 84. + + Cilley, Ensign, author of nefarious sentiment, 26. + + _Cimex lectularius_, 18. + + Cincinnatus, a stock character in modern comedy, 106. + + Civilization, progress of, an _alias_, 65 + --rides upon a powder-cart, 79. + + Clergymen, their ill husbandry, 64 + --their place in processions, 105 + --some, cruelly banished for the soundness of their lungs, 123. + + Cocked-hat, advantages of being knocked into, 77. + + College of Cardinals, a strange one, 25. + + Colman, Dr. Benjamin, anecdote of, 38. + + Coloured folks, curious national diversion of kicking, 19. + + Colquitt, a remark of, 60 + --acquainted with some principles of aerostation, _ib._ + + Columbia, District of, its peculiar climatic effects, 44 + --not certain that Martin is for abolishing it, 115. + + Columbus, a Paul Pry of genius, 74. + + Columby, 109. + + Complete Letter-Writer, fatal gift of, 82. + + Compostella, St. James of, seen, 22. + + Congress, singular consequence of getting into, 43. + + Congressional debates, found instructive, 53. + + Constituents, useful for what, 44. + + Constitution trampled on, 58 + --to stand upon, what, 78. + + Convention, what, 44. + + Convention, Springfield, 44. + + Coon, old, pleasure in skinning, 59. + + Coppers, _caste_ in picking up of, 94. + + Copres, a monk, his excellent method of arguing, 54. + + Cornwallis, a, 14 + --acknowledged entertaining, _ib._, _note_. + + Cotton Mather, summoned as witness, 23. + + Country lawyers, sent providentially, 31. + + Country, our, its boundaries more exactly defined, 32 + --right or wrong, nonsense about exposed, _ib._ + + Courier, The Boston, an unsafe print, 52. + + Court, General, farmers sometimes attain seats in, 107. + + Cowper, W., his letters commended, 76. + + Creed, a safe kind of, 97. + + Crusade, first American, 23. + + Cuneiform script recommended, 85. + + Curiosity distinguishes man from brutes, 74. + + + Davis, Mr., of Mississippi, a remark of his, 59. + + Day and Martin, proverbially "on hand," 2. + + Death, rings down curtain, 72. + + Delphi, oracle of, surpassed, 51, _note_ + --alluded to, 83. + + Destiny, her account, 49. + + Devil, the, unskilled in certain Indian tongues, 23. + + Dey of Tripoli, 55. + + Diaz, Bernal, has a vision, 22 + --his relationship to the Scarlet Woman, _ib._ + + Didymus, a somewhat voluminous grammarian, 83. + + Dighton rock character might be usefully employed in some emergencies, 84. + + Dimitry Bruisgins, fresh supply of, 73. + + Diogenes, his zeal for propagating certain variety of olive, 100. + + Dioscuri, imps of the pit, 23. + + District-Attorney, contemptible conduct of one, 55. + + Ditchwater on brain, a too common ailing, 54. + + Doctor, the, a proverbial saying of, 22. + + Doughface, yeast-proof, 69. + + Drayton, a martyr, 55 + --north star, culpable for aiding, whether, 62. + + + Earth, Dame, a peep at her housekeeping, 56. + + Eating words, habit of, convenient in time of famine, 49. + + Eavesdroppers, 74. + + Editor, his position, 64 + --commanding pulpit of, _ib._ + --large congregation of, _ib._ + --name derived from what, 66 + --fondness for mutton, _ib._ + --a pious one, his creed, _ib._ + --a showman, 71 + --in danger of sudden arrest, without bail, 72. + + Editors, certain ones who crow like cockerels, 7. + + Egyptian darkness, phial of, use for, 84. + + Eldorado, Mr. Sawin sets sail for, 100. + + Elizabeth, Queen, mistake of her ambassador, 41. + + Empedocles, 74. + + Employment, regular, a good thing, 93. + + Epaulets, perhaps no badge of saint-ship, 30. + + Episcopius, his marvellous oratory, 123. + + Eric, king of Sweden, his cap, 101. + + Evangelists, iron ones, 24. + + Eyelids, a divine shield against authors, 54. + + Ezekiel, text taken from, 64. + + + Factory-girls, expected rebellion of, 60. + + Family-trees, fruit of jejune, 100. + + Faneuil Hall, a place where persons tap themselves for a species of + hydrocephalus, 54 + --a bill of fare mendaciously advertised in, 100. + + Father of country, his shoes, 108. + + Female Papists, cut off in midst of idolatry, 104. + + Fire, we all like to play with it, 56. + + Fish, emblematic, but disregarded, where, 54. + + Flam, President, untrustworthy, 45. + + Fly-leaves, providential increase of, 54. + + Foote, Mr., his taste for field-sports, 58. + + Fourier, a squinting toward, 52. + + Fourth of Julys, boiling, 42. + + France, a strange dance begun in, 61. + + Fuller, Dr. Thomas, a wise saying of, 28. + + Funnel, Old, hurraing in, 15. + + + Gawain, Sir, his amusements, 56. + + Gay, S. H., Esquire, editor of National Antislavery Standard, letter + to, 74. + + Getting up early, 4, 20. + + Ghosts, some, presumed fidgety, (but see Stilling's Pneumatology,) 75. + + Giants formerly stupid, 56. + + Gift of Tongues, distressing case of, 53. + + Globe Theatre, cheap season-ticket to, 72. + + Glory, a perquisite of officers, 94 + --her account with B. Sawin, Esq., 99. + + Goatsnose, the celebrated interview, with, 84. + + Gray's letters _are_ letters, 76. + + Great horn spoon, sworn by, 58. + + Greeks, ancient, whether they questioned candidates, 84. + + Green Man, sign of, 35. + + + Ham, sandwich, an orthodox (but peculiar) one, 62. + + Hamlets, machine for making, 87. + + Hammon, 51, _note_, 83. + + Hannegan, Mr., something said by, 59. + + Harrison, General, how preserved, 82. + + Hat-trees, in full bearing, 100. + + Hawkins, Sir John, stout, something he saw, 100. + + Henry the Fourth, of England, a Parliament of, how named, 41. + + Hercules, his second labour probably what, 124. + + Herodotus, story from, 11. + + Hesperides, an inference from, 100. + + Holden, Mr. Shearjashub, Preceptor of Jaalam Academy, 83 + --his knowledge of Greek limited, _ib._ + --a heresy of his, _ib._ + --leaves a fund to propagate it, 84. + + Hollis, Ezra, goes to a Cornwallis, 14. + + Hollow, why men providentially so constructed, 42. + + Homer, a phrase of, cited, 65. + + Horners, democratic ones, plums left for, 46. + + Howell, James, Esq. story told by, 41 + --letters of, commended, 76. + + Human rights out of order on the floor of Congress, 58. + + Humbug, ascription of praise to, 70 + --generally believed in, _ib._ + + Husbandry, instance of bad, 28. + + + Icarius, Penelope's father, 32. + + Infants, prattlings of, curious observation concerning, 11. + + Information wanted (universally, but especially at page), 76. + + + Jaalam Centre, Anglo-Saxons unjustly suspected by the young ladies + there, 21 + --"Independent Blunderbuss," strange conduct of editor of, 64 + --public meeting at, 77. + + Jaalam Point, light-house on charge of prospectively offered to Mr. H. + Biglow, 81 + --meeting-house ornamented with imaginary clock, 102. + + Jakes, Captain, 119 + --reproved for avarice, _ib._ + + James the Fourth of Scots, experiment by, 11. + + Jarnagin, Mr., his opinion of the completeness of Northern education, 60. + + Jerome, Saint, his list of sacred writers, 76. + + Job, Book of, 10 + --Chappelow on, 65. + + Johnson, Mr., communicates some intelligence, 61. + + Jonah, the inevitable destiny of, 62 + --probably studied internal economy of the cetacea, 75. + + Jortin, Dr., cited 39, 51, _note_. + + Judea, everything not known there, 31. + + Juvenal, a saying of, 50, _note_. + + + Kay, Sir, the, of modern chivalry, who, 56. + + Key, brazen one, 55. + + Keziah, Aunt, profound observation of, 3. + + Kinderhook, 106. + + Kingdom Come, march to, easy, 89. + + Koenigsmark, Count, 10. + + + Lamb, Charles, his epistolary excellence, 76. + + Latimer, Bishop, episcopizes Satan, 10. + + Latin tongue, curious information concerning, 33. + + Launcelot, Sir, a trusser of giants formerly, perhaps would find less + sport therein now, 56. + + Letters classed, 76 + --their shape, _ib._ + --of candidates, 81 + --often fatal, 82. + + Lewis Philip, a scourger of young native Americans, 50 + --commiserated (though not deserving it,) 51, _note_. + + Liberator, a newspaper, condemned by implication, 35. + + Liberty unwholesome for men of certain complexions, 66. + + Lignum vitae, a gift of this valuable wood proposed, 22. + + Longinus recommends swearing, 13, _note_ (Fuseli did same thing). + + Long sweetening recommended, 90. + + Lost arts, one sorrowfully added to list of, 124. + + Louis the Eleventh of France, some odd trees of his, 100. + + Lowell, Mr. J. R., unaccountable silence of, 33. + + Luther, Martin, his first appearance as Europa, 22. + + Lyttelton, Lord, his letters, an imposition, 76. + + + Macrobii, their diplomacy, 84. + + Mahomet, got nearer Sinai than some, 66. + + Mahound, his filthy gobbets, 23. + + Mangum, Mr., speaks to the point, 58. + + Manichaean, excellently confuted, 54. + + Man-trees, grew where, 100. + + Mares'-nests, finders of, benevolent, 75. + + Marshfield, 106, 113. + + Martin, Mr. Sawin used to vote for him, 115. + + Mason and Dixon's line, slaves north of, 58. + + Mass, the, its duty defined, 59. + + Massachusetts, on her knees, 8 + --something mentioned in connection with, worthy the attention of + tailors, 44 + --citizen of, baked, boiled, and roasted (_nefandum!_), 95. + + Masses, the, used as butter by some, 46. + + M. C., an invertebrate animal, 49. + + Mechanics' Fair, reflections suggested at, 87. + + Mentor, letters of, dreary, 76. + + Mephistopheles at a nonplus, 62. + + Mexican blood, its effect in raising price of cloth, 103. + + Mexican polka, 24. + + Mexicans charged with various breaches of etiquette, 22 + --kind feelings beaten into them, 70. + + Mexico, no glory in overcoming, 45. + + Military glory spoken disrespectfully of, 17, _note_ + --militia treated still worse, _ib._ + + Milk-trees, growing still, 100. + + Mills for manufacturing gabble, how driven, 53. + + Milton, an unconscious plagiary, 43, _note_ + --a Latin verse of, cited, 66. + + Missions, a profitable kind of, 67. + + Monarch, a pagan, probably not favoured in philosophical experiments, 12. + + Money-trees desirable, 100 + --that they once existed shown to be variously probable, _ib._ + + Montaigne, a communicative old Gascon, 75. + + Monterey, battle of, its singular chromatic effect on a species of + two-headed eagle, 50. + + Moses held up vainly as an example, 65 + --construed by Joe Smith, _ib._ + + Myths, how to interpret readily, 84. + + + Naboths, Popish ones, how distinguished, 25. + + Nation, rights of, proportionate to size, 20. + + National pudding, its effect on the organs of speech, a curious + physiological fact, 25. + + Nephelim, not yet extinct, 124. + + New England overpoweringly honoured, 48 + --wants no more speakers, _ib._ + --done brown by whom, _ib._ + --her experience in beans beyond Cicero's, 84. + + Newspaper, the, wonderful, 70 + --a strolling theatre, 71 + --thoughts suggested by tearing wrapper of, 72 + --a vacant sheet, _ib._ + --a sheet in which a vision was let down, 73 + --wrapper to a bar of soap, _ib._ + --a cheap impromptu platter, _ib._ + + New York, Letters from, commended, 76. + + Next life, what, 72. + + Niggers, 5 + --area of abusing extended, 46 + --Mr. Sawin's opinions of, 117. + + Ninepence a day low for murder, 14. + + No, a monosyllable, 25 + --hard to utter, _ib._ + + Noah, inclosed letter in bottle, probably, 75. + + Nornas, Lapland, what, 101. + + North, has no business, 58 + --bristling, crowded off roost, 81. + + North Bend, geese inhumanly treated at, 82 + --mentioned, 113. + + North Star, a proposition to indict, 62. + + + Off ox, 70. + + Officers, miraculous transformation in character of, 21 + --Anglo-Saxon, come very near being anathematized, 22. + + O'Phace, Increase D., Esq., speech of, 40. + + Oracle of Fools, still respectfully consulted, 41. + + Orion, becomes commonplace, 73. + + Orrery, Lord, his letters (lord!), 76. + + Ostracism, curious species of, 41. + + + Palestine, 23. + + Palfrey, Hon. J. G., 41, 50 (a worthy representative of Massachusetts.) + + Pantagruel recommends a popular oracle, 41. + + Panurge, his interview with Goatsnose, 84. + + Papists, female, slain by zealous Protestant bomb-shell, 104. + + Paralipomenon, a man suspected of being, 82. + + Paris, liberal principles safe as far away as, 66. + + _Parliamentum Indoctorum_ sitting in permanence, 44. + + Past, the, a good nurse, 55. + + Patience, sister, quoted, 16. + + Paynims, their throats propagandistically cut, 23. + + Penelope, her wise choice, 32. + + People, soft enough, 68 + --want correct ideas, 97. + + Pepin, King, 76. + + Periwig, 80. + + Persius, a pithy saying of, 46, _note_. + + Pescara, Marquis, saying of, 10. + + Peter, Saint, a letter of (_post-mortem_), 76. + + Pharisees, opprobriously referred to, 66. + + Philippe, Louis, in pea-jacket, 71. + + Phlegyas quoted, 63. + + Phrygian language, whether Adam spoke it, 11. + + Pilgrims, the, 45. + + Pillows, constitutional, 49. + + Pinto, Mr., some letters of his commended, 76. + + Pisgah, an impromptu one, 100. + + Platform, party, a convenient one, 97. + + Plato, supped with, 75 + --his man, 82. + + Pleiades, the, not enough esteemed, 73. + + Pliny, his letters not admired, 76. + + Plotinus, a story of, 55. + + Plymouth Rock, Old, a Convention wrecked on, 45. + + Point Tribulation, Mr. Sawin wrecked on, 100. + + Poles, exile, whether crop of beans depends on, 19, _note_. + + Polk, President, synonymous with our country, 30 + --censured, 44 + --in danger of being crushed, 46. + + Polka, Mexican, 24. + + Pomp, a runaway slave, his nest, 117 + --hypocritically groans like white man, 118 + --blind to Christian privileges, 119 + --his society valued at fifty dollars, _ib._ + --his treachery, 120 + --takes Mr. Sawin prisoner, 121 + --cruelly makes him work, _ib._ + --puts himself illegally under his tuition, 122 + --dismisses him with contumelious epithets, _ib._ + + Pontifical bull, a tamed one, 22. + + Pope, his verse excellent, 11. + + Pork, refractory in boiling, 22. + + Portugal, Alphonso the Sixth of, a monster, 123. + + Post, Boston, 33 + --shaken visibly, 34 + --bad guide-post, _ib._ + --too swift, _ib._ + --edited by a colonel, _ib._ + --who is presumed officially in Mexico, _ib._ + --referred to, 59. + + Pot-hooks, death in, 59. + + Preacher, an ornamental symbol, 65 + --a breeder of dogmas, _ib._ + --earnestness of, important, 123. + + Present, considered as an annalist, 65 + --not long wonderful, 73. + + President, slaveholding natural to, 66 + --must be a Southern resident, 98 + --must own a nigger, _ib._ + + Principle, exposure spoils it, 43. + + Principles, bad, when less harmful, 27. + + Prophecy, a notable one, 51, _note_. + + Proviso, bitterly spoken of, 79. + + Prudence, sister, her idiosyncratic teapot, 92. + + Psammeticus, an experiment of, 11. + + Public opinion a blind and drunken guide, 25 + --nudges Mr. Wilbur's elbow, 26 + --ticklers of, 45. + + Pythagoras a bean-hater, why, 84. + + Pythagoreans, fish reverenced by, why, 54. + + + Quixote, Don, 57. + + + Rag, one of sacred college, 25. + + Rantoul, Mr., talks loudly, 16 + --pious reason for not enlisting, _ib._ + + Recruiting sergeant, Devil supposed the first, 10. + + Representatives' Chamber, 54. + + Rhinothism, society for promoting, 74. + + Rhyme, whether natural _not_ considered, 11. + + Rib, an infrangible one, 90. + + Richard the First of England, his Christian fervour, 23. + + Riches conjectured to have legs as well as wings, 62. + + Robinson, Mr. John P., his opinions fully stated, 27-31. + + Rocks, pocket full of, 91. + + Rough and Ready, 111 + --a wig, 112 + --a kind of scratch, _ib._ + + Russian eagle turns Prussian blue, 50. + + + Sabbath, breach of, 27. + + Sabellianism, one accused of, 82. + + Saltillo, unfavourable view of, 17. + + Salt-river in, Mexican, what, 17. + + Samuel, Uncle, riotous, 50 + --yet has qualities demanding reverence, 66 + --a good provider for his family, 68 + --an exorbitant bill of, 103. + + Sansculottes, draw their wine before drinking, 61. + + Santa Anna, his expensive leg, 96. + + Satan, never wants attorneys, 22 + --an expert talker by signs, _ib._ + --a successful fisherman with little or no bait, 23 + --cunning fetch of, 27 + --dislikes ridicule, 34 + --ought not to have credit of ancient oracles, 51, _note_. + + Satirist, incident to certain dangers, 28. + + Savages, Canadian, chance of redemption offered to, 123. + + Sawin, B., Esquire, his letter not written in verse, 11 + --a native of Jaalam, 12 + --not regular attendant on Rev. Mr. Wilbur's preaching, _ib._ + --a fool, _ib._ + --his statements trustworthy, _ib._ + --his ornithological tastes, _ib._ + --letter from, 13, 86, 106 + --his curious discovery in regard to bayonets, 15 + --displays proper family pride, _ib._ + --modestly confesses himself less wise than the Queen of Sheba, 19 + --the old Adam in, peeps out, 21 + --a _miles emeritus_, 86 + --is made text for a sermon, _ib._ + --loses a leg, 88 + --an eye, 89 + --left hand, _ib._ + --four fingers of right hand, _ib._ + --has six or more ribs broken, _ib._ + --a rib of his infrangible, 90 + --allows a certain amount of preterite greenness in himself, 90, 91 + --his share of spoil limited, _ib._ + --his opinion of Mexican climate, 92 + --acquires property of a certain sort, 93 + --his experience of glory, 93, 94 + --stands sentry, and puns thereupon, 95 + --undergoes martyrdom in some of its most painful forms, _ib._ + --enters the candidating business, 96 + --modestly states the (avail) abilities which qualify him for high + political station, 96, 99 + --has no principles, 96 + --a peaceman, _ib._ + --unpledged, 97 + --has no objections to owning _peculiar_ property, but would not like + to monopolize the truth, 98 + --his account with glory, 99 + --a selfish motive hinted in, 100 + --sails for Eldorado, _ib._ + --shipwrecked on a metaphorical promontory, _ib._ + --parallel between, and Rev. Mr. Wilbur (not Plutarchian), 102 + --conjectured to have bathed in river Selemnus, 106 + --loves plough wisely, but not too well, _ib._ + --a foreign mission probably expected by, 107 + --unanimously nominated for presidency, 108 + --his country's father-in-law, 109 + --nobly emulates Cincinnatus, 110 + --is not a crooked stick, _ib._ + --advises his adherents, _ib._ + --views of, on present state of politics, 110-117 + --popular enthusiasm for, at Bellers's, and its disagreeable + consequences, 111 + --inhuman treatment of, by Bellers, 112 + --his opinion of the two parties, 113 + --agrees with Mr. Webster, _ib._ + --his antislavery zeal, 115 + --his proper self-respect, _ib._ + --his unaffected piety, _ib._ + --his not intemperate temperance, 117 + --a thrilling adventure of, 117-122 + --his prudence and economy, 117 + --bound to Captain Jakes, but regains his freedom, 119 + --is taken prisoner, 121-122 + --ignominiously treated, 121-122 + --his consequent resolution, 122. + + Sayres, a martyr, 55. + + Scaliger, saying of, 28. + + _Scarabaeus pilularius_, 18. + + Scott, General, his claims to the presidency, 34, 37. + + Scythians, their diplomacy commended, 84. + + Seamen, coloured, sold, 8. + + Selemnus, a sort of Lethean river, 106. + + Senate, debate in, made readable, 55. + + Seneca, saying of, 27 + --another, 51 + --overrated by a saint (but see Lord Bolingbroke's opinion of, in a + letter to Dean Swift), 76 + --his letters not commended, _ib._ + --a son of Rev. Mr. Wilbur, 102. + + Serbonian bog of literature, 54. + + Sextons, demand for, 61 + --heroic official devotion of one, 120. + + Shaking fever, considered as an employer, 93. + + Shakspeare, a good reporter, 40. + + Sham, President, honest, 45. + + Sheba, Queen of, 19. + + Sheep, none of Rev. Mr. Wilbur's turned wolves, 12. + + Shem, Scriptural curse of, 122. + + Show, natural to love it, 17, _note_. + + Silver spoon born in Democracy's mouth what, 43. + + Sinai suffers outrages, 66. + + Sin, wilderness of, modern, what, 66. + + Skin, hole in, strange taste of some for, 94. + + Slaughter, whether God strengthen us for, 24. + + Slaughterers and soldiers compared, 104. + + Slaughtering nowadays _is_ slaughtering, 104. + + Slavery, of no colour, 6 + --cornerstone of liberty, 52 + --also keystone, 58 + --last crumb of Eden, 61 + --a Jonah, 62 + --an institution, 80 + --a private State concern, 118. + + Smith, Joe, used as a translation, 65. + + Smith, John, an interesting character, 74. + + Smith, Mr., fears entertained for, 63 + --dined with, 75. + + Smith, N. B., his magnanimity, 75. + + Soandso, Mr., the great, defines his position, 75. + + Sol, the fisherman, 18 + --soundness of respiratory organs hypothetically attributed to, _ib._ + + Solon, a saying of, 25. + + South Carolina, futile attempt to anchor, 57. + + Spanish, to walk, what, 20. + + Speech-making, an abuse of gift of speech, 53. + + Star, north, subject to indictment, whether, 62. + + Store, cheap cash, a wicked fraud, 102. + + Strong, Governor Caleb, a patriot, 32. + + Swearing, commended as a figure of speech, 13, _note_. + + Swift, Dean, threadbare saying of, 34. + + + Tag, elevated to the Cardinalate, 25. + + Taxes, direct, advantages of, 103. + + Taylor zeal, its origin, 111 + --General, greased by Mr. Choate, 113. + + Thanks, get lodged, 93. + + Thirty-nine articles might be made serviceable, 24. + + Thor, a foolish attempt of, 57. + + Thumb, General Thomas, a valuable member of society, 49. + + Thunder, supposed in easy circumstances, 90. + + Thynne, Mr., murdered, 10. + + Time, an innocent personage to swear by, 13, _note_ + --a scene-shifter, 72. + + Toms, Peeping, 74. + + Trees, various kinds of extraordinary ones, 100. + + Trowbridge, William, mariner, adventure of, 24. + + Truth and falsehood start from same point, 27 + --truth invulnerable to satire, _ib._ + --compared to a river, 40 + --of fiction sometimes truer than fact, _ib._ + --told plainly, _passim_. + + Tuileries, exciting scene at, 51. + + Tully, a saying of, 43, _note_. + + Tweedledee, gospel according to, 66. + + Tweedledum, great principles of, 66. + + + Ulysses, husband of Penelope, 32 + --borrows money, 101. (For full particulars of, see Homer and Dante.) + + University, triennial catalogue of, 36. + + + Van Buren fails of gaining Mr. Sawin's confidence, 116 + --his son John reproved, _ib._ + + Van, Old, plan to set up, 115. + + Venetians, invented something once, 101. + + Vices, cardinal, sacred conclave of, 24. + + Victoria, Queen, her natural terror, 50. + + Vratz, Captain, a Pomeranian, singular views of, 10. + + + Walpole, Horace, classed, 75 + --his letters praised, 76. + + Waltham Plain, Cornwallis at, 14. + + Walton, punctilious in his intercourse with fishes, 25. + + War, abstract, horrid, 79 + --its hoppers, grist of, what, 94. + + Warton, Thomas, a story of, 38. + + Washington, charge brought against, 109. + + Washington, city of, climatic influence of, on coats, 44 + --mentioned, 55 + --grand jury of, 62. + + Washingtons, two hatched at a time by improved machine, 109. + + Wate, Taunton, proverbially weak, 117. + + Water-trees, 100. + + Webster, some sentiments of, commended by Mr. Sawin, 113. + + Westcott, Mr., his horror, 61. + + Whig party, has a large throat, 35 + --but query as to swallowing spurs, 114. + + White-house, 81. + + Wife-trees, 100. + + Wilbur, Rev. Homer, A. M., consulted, 2 + --his instructions to his flock, 12 + --a proposition of his for Protestant bombshells, 24 + --his elbow nudged, 26 + --his notions of satire, 27 + --some opinions of his quoted with apparent approval by Mr. Biglow, 31 + --geographical speculations of, 32 + --a justice of the peace, _ib._ + --a letter of, 33 + --a Latin pun of, _ib._ + --runs against a post without injury, 34 + --does not seek notoriety (whatever some malignants may affirm), 36 + --fits youths for college, _ib._ + --a chaplain during late war with England, 38 + --a shrewd observation of, 40 + --some curious speculations of, 52, 54 + --his martello-tower, 53 + --forgets he is not in pulpit, 62, 86 + --extracts from sermon of, 64, 70 + --interested in John Smith, 74 + --his views concerning present state of letters, 74, 77 + --a stratagem of, 82 + --ventures two hundred and fourth interpretation of Beast in + Apocalypse, 83 + --christens Hon. B. Sawin, then an infant, 86 + --an addition to our _sylva_ proposed by, 100 + --curious and instructive adventure of, 101, 102 + --his account with an unnatural uncle, 103 + --his uncomfortable imagination, 104 + --speculations concerning Cincinnatus, 106 + --confesses digressive tendency of mind, 123 + --goes to work on sermon (not without fear that his readers will dub + him with a reproachful epithet like that with which Isaac + Allerton, a Mayflower man, revenges himself on a delinquent + debtor of his, calling him in his will, and thus holding him + up to posterity, as "John Peterson, THE BORE"), 125. + + Wilbur, Mrs., an invariable rule of, 37 + --her profile, _ib._ + + Wildbore, a vernacular one, how to escape, 54. + + Wind, the, a good Samaritan, 86. + + Wooden leg, remarkable for sobriety, 88 + --never eats pudding, 90. + + Wright, Colonel, providentially rescued, 18. + + Wrong, abstract, safe to oppose, 46. + + + Zack, Old, 110. + + + + +THE END. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Biglow Papers, by James Russell Lowell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BIGLOW PAPERS *** + +***** This file should be named 22680.txt or 22680.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/8/22680/ + +Produced by Susan Skinner, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |