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diff --git a/22672-8.txt b/22672-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..64fcbb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/22672-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2089 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +January 12, 1916, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 12, 1916 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 19, 2007 [EBook #22672] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 150. + + + +January 12, 1916 + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +There is much satisfaction in the German Army at the announcement that +iron coins to the value of ten million marks are to be substituted for +nickel and copper. It is now hoped that those Crosses may yet prove to +be worth something. + + *** + +A resident of Honor Oak writes to the papers to say that such was the +patriotic anxiety of people in his neighbourhood to pay their taxes at +the earliest possible moment that he found a long queue before the +collector's door on January 3rd and had to wait an hour before his turn +came. On reading his letter several West-end theatres patriotically +offered the collector the loan of their "House Full" boards. + + *** + +Prince WILLIAM OF WIED, the ex-ruler of Albania, is at present in +Serbia, feverishly awaiting restoration to his former dignity. The +situation is not very favourable, however, and his German advisers have +warned him to curb his Mpretuosity. + + *** + +An American barque with a cargo of beans for Germany has been seized and +unloaded by the Swedish authorities. A cruel fate seems to overtake +every effort of the United States to give Germany these necessary +commodities. + + *** + +Among the suspicious articles discovered at the Bulgarian Consulate in +Salonika was a large stock of red brassards. But the inference that they +belonged to members of the British V.T.C., who were determined to fight +for the enemy rather than not fight at all, is certainly premature. + + *** + +Several inmates of the Swansea workhouse, having been told that +margarine was to be served out instead of butter, returned their +portions, only to discover that it was butter after all. As similar +incidents have occurred in many other establishments it is suggested +that margarine should in future be dyed scarlet or blue in order to +prevent a repetition of these embarrassing contretemps. + + *** + +Sir JOHN SIMON, in the debate on the Compulsion Bill, said that the +alleged 650,000 slackers were arrived at "by subtracting two figures +from one another." Everyone must agree with him that if that was the +method employed the result would be "negligible." + + *** + +In a tram-car in a Northern city, as the girl-conductor went round for +fares, a "nut" tried to take a rise out of her by asking for a ticket to +"Gallipoli." She charged him for the full length of the tram journey, +and as soon as the tram arrived at a recruiting office she rang the bell +and said, "You change here, Sir, for Gallipoli." + + *** + +The KAISER thinks it very mean of the British Government to turn his +Corfu palace into a hospital. His submarine commanders are now wondering +how to shell the inmates without damaging their master's property. + + *** + +The Militant Suffragette who some years ago damaged the Velasquez Venus +with an axe has just published a novel, of which the hero is a plumber +who thought he was a poet. It ought to be called "The Burst Pipe," but +isn't. + + *** + +Women are now employed on some of the railways in the North. A traveller +recently had two Tommies for fellow-passengers. They related that they +had every week to take a long slow duty journey which was "the limit"; +but lately it had taken on a different aspect, for "_now_," said Tommy, +"when you get too bored you just hop out and kiss the porter." + + *** + +Extract from a letter written to a loved one from the Front:-- + + "I received your dear little note in a sandbag. You say that you + hope the sandbag stops a bullet. Well, to tell the truth, I hope + it don't, as I have been patching my trousers with it." + + *** + +PRINCE VON BUELOW, who has been for some time in Switzerland, has +obtained an increase in the number of his secretaries, of whom he now +has a round dozen. Several of the poor fellows are suffering from +writer's cramp through having to pen so many letters explaining that the +Prince is at Lucerne purely for the sake of his health. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Fiery Major_ (_discussing delinquent Subaltern_). "But there--what can +you expect? He's only one of those temporary blighters!" + +_Colonel_ (_sweetly_). "But isn't that better than being a permanent +blighter?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF THE PASS. + +["This Bill was 'selling the pass.'"--_Sir William Byles, in the House, +on The Military Service Bill_.] + + "What though against our sacred front + They muster, miles on miles, + I am resolved to stick the brunt," + Said bold HORATIUS BYLES; + "For Liberty I'll take my stand, + Just like a stout Berserk, + And still defend with bloody brand + Our glorious Right to Shirk. + + "We've SIMON, worth four columns' length; + We've REDMOND, doughty dog; + THOMAS and those twin towers of strength, + PRINGLE and whole-souled HOGGE; + And OUTHWAITE--not our dearest foe, + Bulgar or Bosch or Turk, + Could wish to plant a ruder blow + For Britain's Right to Shirk. + + "And, lastly, should the Tyrant storm + The pass for which we fight, + It must be o'er the riddled form + Of Me, the Champion Knight; + Meanwhile, on caitiffs who would keep + The pledge we bade them burke, + My lusty battle-cry shall leap:-- + 'God and our Right to Shirk!'" + + The scrap was over. There he lay + Prone on the reeking grass; + "SIMON," his faint lips strove to say, + "Somebody's sold the pass!" + "True," said the other; "I descry + The NORTHCLIFFE'S hand at work." + "Farewell!" said BYLES; "'tis sweet to die + For Britain's Right to Shirk!" + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +WORLD WARFARE OF THE BRITISH FLEET. + +What it has done in 1915. + +(_With acknowledgments to Mr. ARCHIBALD HURD in "The Daily Telegraph._") + +Superiority, and again Superiority! In this one word lies the secret of +our success at sea. Yet it would be hard to say how many careless +civilians there are, taking all things for granted, who fail to +recognise that fact even now. Not numbers nor organisation, nor men nor +guns nor ships--though these have counted for something--have been +responsible for our victory. It has been due above all to +superiority--sheer superiority. + +Think what would have happened if there had been any strategic fumbling +at the opening of the War! It is not pleasant to reflect upon what might +have occurred (had not superiority stepped in) at the very outset if, +for instance, we had sent several _Dreadnoughts_ to catch the _Emden_. +It was strongly suspected, mind you, that there were German armed +vessels on the trade routes. As one merchantman after another was sunk +there could no longer be any doubt about it. What if, in panic, we had +suddenly dispersed our naval force to every part of the globe? What +then? But we didn't. What again if it had been determined, in accordance +with some fanciful scheme, to concentrate our main striking force in the +Mersey? Germany well might have captured the initiative. But authority +was not distracted from its primary purpose. Was its policy a success? +Come, now, was it? + +The old year has gone. On January 4th the British Fleet had been at war +seventeen months--roughly seventy-four weeks (anyone can count them up; +there is nothing abstruse about my statistics). In a word, it might +almost be said, with some approach to accuracy, that it has been in the +throes of the struggle for a year and a half. Very well. + +The German Flag has been banished from the ocean. Not since the War +began has a German battleship steamed down the Channel--nor a battle +cruiser, nor yet an armoured cruiser, nor even a light cruiser, nor a +monitor, nor a destroyer. None of them--not one. Why is that? Because +(_vide supra_) the German Fleet has been banished from the ocean. It +still exists, but it is safely locked up behind explosive agents (mines) +and protected by submersive factors (submarines). The German Fleet is in +a zareba. + +Let us recall the striking words of one of Germany's leading naval +strategists, written, mark you, before the War: "England's strength is +mainly in her Fleet." I wonder now if that is generally known. + +He goes on to define the duties of a fleet in the following words:-- + +(1) To avert invasion. +(2) To keep the sea open for the arrival of imports; +(3) And the departure of exports; +(4) And for the exit of re-exports; +(5) Also the entrance of re-imports. +(6) To protect trade. + +Has the British Fleet succeeded? + +The German Flag is banished from the seas. In January 1916 the German +Fleet is still lurking in that zareba. The _Dreadnought_ embodied an +offensive _in excelsis_, even as the expansion of the _Dreadnought_ +policy embodies an offensive _in extenso_ and imposes upon the enemy a +defensive _in extremis_. + +It is perhaps hardly realised that the performance of the British Navy +in this War has no parallel in history. In the past, enemy frigates +always succeeded in getting out of ports, however close the blockade. +But none has broken through this time--not a single frigate. On the +other hand enemy submarines may be said to have been more formidable +than in the Napoleonic wars. + +But the German Fleet is strong. I am not one of the sort of humourists +who hold it up to contempt in its inactivity. For that matter I am not +any sort of humourist. Perhaps you have found that out. But the German +High Seas Fleet is no fit subject for joke. That it has proved harmless +is due to one thing alone--superiority. + +And so the War wags. All over the high seas our merchantmen continue to +inscribe their indelible furrows. + +And where is the German Fleet? I think I have answered that. + +Here then I conclude my synopsis of the work of the Fleet in 1915. And +if it be said that it might well have stood almost word for word as the +record of the work of the Fleet in 1914, I may reply that I sometimes +wistfully wonder if I shall have to make any alterations in the text +before it goes to press again this time next year. + +Bis. + + * * * * * + +VERY EARLY VICTORIAN. + + "Handsomely carved early Victorian sideboard, been in one family + for a century."--_Advt. in "Horncastle News."_ + + * * * * * + +From Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech as reported by a morning paper:-- + + "We were quite ready to carry on the principle of keeping a + united nation by keeping in opposition and not facetiously + opposing the Government." + +Unlike those eminent humourists, Messrs. HOGGE, PRINGLE, and KING. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING. + +Bosch (_with visions of the conquest of Egypt_). "I SUPPOSE HE KNOWS THE +WAY THERE." Camel (_overhearing_). "_AND_ BACK!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harassed N.C.O._ "Call that 'presenting arms'! If I was +the King and you presented arms like that, I'd--I'd throw my hat at +you!" ] + + * * * * * + +THE PESSIPHONE. + +It is weary work being a pessimist these days, for the process of +corrugating the brow and groaning at the War news must of necessity +entail much energy. For some time past it has been patent to sympathetic +observers that what the pessimist to-day really needs is a machine to do +the work for him. + +To meet this want the Electrophobia Syndicate have invented the +Pessiphone--a mixture of gramophone and pessimist--believing that he who +to-day can make two whimpers grow where one grew before deserves well of +his country in war time. With the Pessiphone there is now absolutely no +excuse for cheerfulness. It is the marvel of the age, and has very +fittingly been described as worth a guinea a groan. With one pint of +petrol the Pessiphone will disseminate more depression throughout the +household in ten minutes than could be accomplished in a day by thirty +human pessimists. + +As soon as people commence to be cheerful all you have to do is to press +the button and hold on to something. A child can start it but nobody can +stop it. Ten minutes is all that is sufficient to give a whole family +melancholia or creeping dyspepsia. It has been known to be fatal at 200 +yards' range. Messrs. WILKIE BARD and _George Graves_ have already +offered a heavy reward for the body dead or alive of the inventor--a +fact which speaks highly for the machine and its maker. + +When the instrument was first tried on a select party of confirmed +optimists two of them rushed out of the office and have not been heard +of since, while the others clawed savagely at the office mat. + +No burglar will go near it. It will drive away rate-collectors and poor +relations. One client has already used it on his mother-in-law with +favourable results. + +The Pessiphone is fitted with a little oil-bath, all black fittings, +self-starting lever, Stormy Arthur two-speed gear, thus rendering it +easy of change from "Mildly Miserable" to "Devastating," and the whole +is packed complete with accessories and delivered carriage free to your +back garden, where it may be let loose. + +The following letters from grateful pessimists--all involuntary +contributions--speak for themselves:-- + + Gentlemen,--For years I have been troubled with ginger hair, but + since using the Pessiphone I have had the beastly stuff turn + grey. + + Dear Sirs,--I used to read _The Moaning Herald_ aloud each + morning, but I now use the Pessiphone with more deadly effect. + + Householder writes: Please turn the Pessiphone off at the main. + None of my family has been able to get near the house for five + days. + + Golder's Green says: The other day the butcher's boy, cheerful + as usual, was coming up the garden path whistling, and though it + may hardly seem credible this so affected the Pessiphone that it + actually jumped off the table and bit the boy. + + * * * * * + +A CHANGE OF CURE. + + "The Infectious Diseases Hospital at Colchester has been + appointed to the vicarage of Hurst Green, Etchingham, Sussex." + + _Essex and Halstead Times._ + + * * * * * + +FROM A CHEMIST'S REMINISCENCES:-- + + "In the early part of the last century the sale of leeches was + one of the most important. Doctors bled their patients for every + imaginable ailment. To-day all that we can say of leeches is + that we just keep them."--_Observer_. + +As pets, we suppose. + + * * * * * + +RULES FOR HERO-NAILERS. + +The following notice appears daily in the _Wilhelmshavener Tageblatt._ + +The statue to which it refers, known as "The Trusty Look-Out," +represents a seaman in oilskins looking out over the North Sea. The face +is that of VON TIRPITZ. + + The Trusty Look-out. + + Nails may be driven into the statue on week-days between 11 and + 1, and on Sundays between 10 and 5. The sale of tickets for + Nails and Shields takes place at the Treasury of the Town Hall + during office hours, and also at the time for driving in Nails + on the spot. + + Further, tickets for iron Nails may be bought in the following + shops: (_here follows a list of three booksellers, one general + store and six tobacco shops_). + + The prices are fixed at:-- + + 0.50 m. for an iron Nail. + 5.00 m. for a silver Nail. + 10.00 m. for a small gold Nail. + 20.00 m. for a larger gold Nail. + + Anyone who buys 100, 200, 300 or 400 marks' worth of iron Nails + receives a silver Shield with a corresponding inscription; + similarly, a gold Shield for iron Nails to the value of 500 and + more marks. Whoever changes a 10 mark gold piece receives an + iron Nail free. + + For the purpose of preparing inscriptions on Shields the date on + which it is proposed to drive in the Nails must be notified at + the Treasury three days in advance. + + If clubs, societies, or other collections of people wish to + drive in their Nails in private parties they are requested to + get into touch with the Municipal Architect, Mr. Zopff, with a + view to fixing the day and hour, in order that no delay may be + caused by overcrowding. + + _Wilhelmshaven_, 12_th December_, 1915. + + For the Municipal Council. + + (Signed) Bartelt. + +Not in a spirit of carping criticism, but as earnest admirers of German +forethought and thoroughness (_Gründlichkeit_), we feel it our duty to +point out that there are a few contingencies for which these otherwise +admirable regulations fail to provide, and we beg leave to suggest to +the Municipal Council of Wilhelmshaven the following additions:-- + +(1) It is unpatriotic and un-German to spend more time than necessary in +driving in nails, as standing-room, the number of hammers and the +patience of the officials are all limited. + +(2) The limit of time allowed for driving in one nail is one minute, for +a silver nail two minutes, for a small gold nail two and a-half minutes +and for a large gold nail three minutes. + +(3) If in any case the time-limit is exceeded the Municipal nail-driver +will displace the person whose lack of skill is responsible for the +delay and will drive home the offending nail himself. + +(4) If any person offers resistance to this procedure he or she will be +nailed to the statue by the Municipal nail-driver as a warning to +others. A large _iron_ nail will be used for this purpose, the charge +for which will be added to the death-duties. + +(5) It is unpatriotic and un-German to use bad language when driving in +nails. However, in view of the well-known tenderness of the human heart +and the high state of nervous tension in which many persons of an ardent +patriotic disposition may be expected to perform this supreme act of +symbolic devotion, those who drive in iron nails will be allowed to +swear once for each nail, or seven times for half-a-dozen nails, whilst +a higher proportion of swear words will be allowed for silver and gold +nails, on the progressive lines laid down in (2). + +(6) Anyone exceeding the patriotic limit of bad language will be dealt +with by the Municipal nail-driver as in (4). + +(7) Classes of instruction in nail-driving will be held in the Town-hall +daily between 10 and 11 A.M. (Sundays excepted). + +(8) Persons who wish to be photographed in the act of nail-driving must +give notice to the Municipal photographer two days in advance. The cost +of the photograph will naturally be in inverse proportion to the value +of the nail which is driven in. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Bejabers! If you're gettin' on, I'm gettin' off!"] + + * * * * * + + "Hon. John Fellowes Wallop, of Barton House, Morchard Bishop, + brother and heir-presumptive of the Earl of Portsmouth, entered + his 57th pear on Monday." + + _Western Times._ + +We congratulate him on his digestion. + + * * * * * + +NIGHT OPERATIONS. + +"Storm or no storm," said Charles, "as a medical man I can't stick this +fug any longer." + +He disappeared behind the heavy anti-Zepp curtains and opened the +window. A piercing draught caught the back of Bill's neck and he sat up. + +"Look here," he said crossly, "this is no night for a poor Special to go +out in. Can't I send a medical certificate instead?" + +"You cannot," replied Charles. "I will not be a party to such evasions." + +"It's pouring with rain and blowing a gale. No Zepp ever hatched would +come over to-night." + +"That's not the point, Bill." Kit unexpectedly opened one eye. "How are +Charles and I to sleep soundly in our warm beds unless we know you're +outside, guarding us?" + +"That's right," growled Bill. "Hub it in. Your turn to-morrow, anyway." + +The other two sang the praises of bed in fervent antistrophe till at +last Bill rose with a groan and assumed his overcoat, badge and +truncheon. He stopped at the door. + +"Charles," said he, "if after this night's work I die of bronchial +catarrh, unzepp'd, unhonoured and unsung----" + +"Good night, dear old thing," interposed Charles sweetly. "Run away and +play, there's a good child; Uncle's tired." + +He disappeared to bed. + +An hour later he was awakened by a tremendous knocking at the +front-door. Resolutely turning on to his other side, he tried to ignore +it, but the fusillade continued and swelled. Only when it appeared +likely to do permanent and irreparable damage to the building did he +rush out on to the landing. There he met Kit, half awake, with his +eyelids tightly gummed together. + +"That ass Bill," he said peevishly. "Forgotten his latchkey most likely. +Serve him right if we left him there!" + +"My good man, one must sleep." + +Charles ran downstairs, opened the door and indignantly confronted the +glistening figure on the steps. + +"It is my duty to warn you, Sir," said William's voice in an official +but triumphant tone, "that one of your downstairs windows has been left +open. Most dangerous. Also," he added quickly, "that I am authorised to +use my truncheon in self-defence, and that anything you say may be used +as evidence against you." + + * * * * * + +UNRULY BRITANNIA. + +Dear Mr. Punch,--I see that Canon MASTERMAN, in his Presidential Address +to the Members of the Teachers' Guild of Great Britain and Ireland, +delivered yesterday week, observed that the German teacher had been the +servant of the State; his function had been to foster love for the +Fatherland. But, he continued, "that love was degraded by jealousy, +distrust and arrogance. The spirit that breathed through our 'Rule, +Britannia!' was corrected in our national life by our sense of humour +and self-criticism." How true and how necessary! It is indeed surprising +to me that no one has said it before. Why should we dwell on the +greatness of our sea-power and proclaim our resolve not to be slaves? I +have always understood, in spite of the view of Sir HENRY NEWBOLT, that +DRAKE was nothing more than a buccaneer. The public utterance of such +sentiments is surely prejudicial to "moral uplift," and, in the +memorable words of _Mr. Pecksniff_, is "Pagan, I regret to say." + +It seems to me that the time has now come when, in the interests of +reticence and humanity, a serious attempt should be made to revise our +so-called patriotic songs, and, though fully conscious of my own +literary shortcomings, I cannot refrain from suggesting, by the +following examples, the lines on which such revision might be profitably +carried out. For instance, the refrain of "Rule, Britannia!" would be +shorn of its thrasonical quality and rendered suitable for use in +elementary schools if it took the following form:-- + + "Curb, Britannia, Britannia curb thy pride; + True Britons never, never, never PUT ON SIDE." + +Another song which clamours for drastic revision is "The British +Grenadiers." I cannot help thinking that it would be greatly improved if +it were remodelled thus:-- + + "Some talk of ALEXANDER, and some of HERCULES, + Of HECTOR and LYSANDER, and warriors such as these; + But infinitely greater than the stroke of any sword + Is the pow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow of WILSON and of FORD." + +There are many other standard songs and poems which could be dealt with +in similar salutary fashion, but I am content to leave the task to +others, and will content myself with the following original lines, +which, whatever may be said of their form, have, at any rate, the root +of the matter in them:-- + + "The men who made our Empire great + Have long ago received their meed; + Then why the tale reiterate? + Self-criticism now we need. + + Then, O my brethren, lest you stumble + Look carefully before you leap; + Be modest, moderate and 'umble-- + Like the immortal Mr. Heep." + +Once more and in conclusion:-- + + "Let us be humorous, but never swankful-- + Swank mars the finer fibres of the soul-- + For what we have achieved devoutly thankful, + But disinclined our prowess to extol; + And, when our foemen bang the drum and bump it, + In silence be our disapproval shown; + 'Tis nobler far to blow another's trumpet + Than to perform fantasias on your own." + +I am, dear Mr. Punch, + +Yours earnestly, + +CHADLEY BANDMAN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Doctor_ (_to would-be recruit, whipper-in to the +Blankshires_). "Sorry I can't pass you, my man. You've got an enlarged +heart." + +_Recruit._ "Squire always says as you couldn't have too big an 'eart to +ride over a country on war-time 'osses."] + + * * * * * + +OUR EXPERTS. + + "There are still three gaps in the trunk line through Asia Minor + to Baghdad, but these will be filled in during the course of + next year, and unless we can reach the city before the Germans, + they will certainly reach it before us." + + _Truth_. + + * * * * * + + "One of Mr. Copeland's ancestors, Sir John Copeland, who + captured David, King of Scotland, with 40,000 troops at the + battle of Neville's Cross, after lodging the latter in Carlisle + Castle, proceeded to France, to report the event to the King, + who knighted him at Calais and conferred on him the Barony of + Kendal."--_Carlisle Journal._ + +In these days he would have been fined for overcrowding. + + * * * * * + +JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE. + +Once upon a time a rash man, wishing who knows for what?--possibly a +peerage, possibly to be relieved of superfluous cash and so no longer +have to pay super-tax, possibly for the mere joy of pulling +wires--decided to start a newspaper. + +After much consultation the plans were complete in every particular save +one. The premises were taken, the staff appointed, the paper, ink and so +forth contracted for, the office girls and lift girls were engaged, the +usual gifted and briefless barrister was installed as editor, and the +necessary Cabinet Minister willing to reveal secrets was obtained. +Everything, in short, that a successful newspaper at the present time +could possibly require was ready, when it was suddenly remembered that +no provision had been made for a daily supply of pictures. A popular +paper without pictures being such a crazy anomaly, a pictorial editor +was instantly advertised for. + +"Well," said the editor to the applicant for the post, "give me an idea +of your originality and resource in the choice of topical photographs." + +"I think you can rely on me to be original," said the young man, "and +not only original but revolutionary. I have thought about it all a lot, +and I have made some discoveries. My notion is that the public wants to +be 'in' all that is happening. Nothing's beneath their notice; their +eyes want food to feast on all the time." + +"Go on," said the editor; "you interest me strangely." + +"The function of the camera, as I conceive it," the young man explained, +"is to serve as the handmaid of the fountain-pen. Together they are +terrific--a combination beyond resistance. That perhaps is the chief of +the inspirations which much pondering has brought me. One must always be +fortifying the other. People not only want to read of a thing, they come +to see it, and very rightly. Here is an example. We are gradually +getting shorter and shorter of messengers, so much so that many +shopkeepers no longer are able to send purchases home. That means that +people must carry them themselves. Now what more interesting, valuable +or timely picture could you have than a photograph of a customer +carrying, say, a loaf of bread--a picture of the unfortunate victim of +the KAISER in the very act of having to do something for himself? How +that brings it home to us!" + +"By Jove, yes," said the editor, deeply impressed. + +"I could arrange for someone to be taken just leaving the shop," the +applicant went on; "and I would put underneath something about the +straits to which the War has brought shoppers." + +"Capital!" said the editor. "Go on." + +"Then I have noticed," said the youth, "that people are interested in +photographs of musical-comedy and revue actresses." + +"I believe you may be right," the editor remarked pensively. + +"So I would arrange for a steady series of these ladies, which not only +would delight the public but might be profitable to the advertisement +revenue of the paper if properly managed; for I should state what plays +they were in, and where." + +"A great idea," said the editor. + +"But I should not," the young man continued, "merely give that +information beneath. I should add something topical, such as 'who has +just received an admiring letter from a stranger at the Front'; 'who +spends her spare time knitting for our brave lads'; 'whose latest song +is whistled in trench and camp'; 'who confesses to a great admiration +for Khaki,' and so on. In this way you get a War interest, and every one +is the better for looking at some pictures. Nothing is so elevating as +the constant spectacle of young women with insufficient noses." + +"Marvellous!" exclaimed the editor. "But what of the War itself?" + +"Ah, yes, I was coming to that," the young man went on. "I have a strong +conviction--I may be wrong, but I think not--that war-pictures are +popular, and I have noticed that one soldier astonishingly resembles +another. This is a priceless discovery, as I will show. I would +therefore get all the groups of soldiers that I could take in open +country wherever it was most convenient to my operator, and I would +label them according to recent events. For example, I would call one +group--and understand that they would all have non-committal +backgrounds--'A wayside chat near Salonica'; another, 'A Tommy narrating +the story of his escape from a Jack Johnson'; a third, 'A hurried lunch +somewhere in France'; a fourth, 'How the new group of Lord DERBY'S men +will look after a few weeks'; a fifth, 'Our brave lads leaving Flanders +on short leave'; and so on." + +"But you are a genius!" exclaimed the editor, surprised into enthusiasm. + +"As for the rest of the pictures," said the applicant, "I have perhaps +peculiar views, but I hold that they ought to be photographs of Members +of Parliament walking to or from the House of Commons, a profoundly +interesting phase of modern life too little touched upon; photographs of +the _fiancées_ of soldiers, of whom it does not matter if no one had +ever heard before, engagements being of the highest importance, +especially at a time when marriage is a state duty. So much for the +staple of the picture-page, which I trust you do not consider too +daring." + +"Daring, perhaps," said the editor, "but not excessively so, and one +must be both nowadays. One must innovate." + +"And then," pursued the youth, "for padding--though padding of course +only to the experts, not to the great hungry asinine public--anything +can be rendered serviceable provided that the words beneath are adroit +enough. Thus, a view of Westminster Abbey would be 'The architectural +jewel of England which the Zeppelins have in vain tried to bomb'; a view +of Victoria Station, 'The terminus at which every day and night, +thousands of homing Tommies are welcomed'; any picture of a dog or cat +or canary or parrot would bear a legend to the effect that all our brave +lads love pets and are never so happy as when accompanied by a favourite +animal; while any maritime scene would be certainly related to a recent +submarine outrage, the Almighty in His infinite wisdom and prevision +having made all expanses of ocean look alike." + +"You are certainly," said the editor, "a very original and enterprising +young man and I have great pleasure in engaging you to enrich our +sheet." + +But when the paper came out the picture page was found to differ in no +single respect from the other picture pages in the other dailies. + + * * * * * + +LITERARY REPRISALS. + +Nearly three years ago Mr. E. C. BENTLEY wrote an excellent detective +story called _Trent's Last Case_. We now see amongst the latest literary +announcements, _Bentley's Conscience_, by PAUL TRENT. + +This retaliation prepares us for a whole series of recriminatory works +of fiction. Among those shortly to be expected are the following:-- + +_The Delusions of Doyle_, by ANTHONY HOPE, and _Hope's Hallucinations_, +by CONAN DOYLE. + +_Hewlett's Downfall_, by G. K. CHESTERTON, and _Chesterton's +Catastrophe_, by MAURICE HEWLETT. + +_The Curse of Cain_, by MARIE CORELLI, and _Marie the Malevolent_, by +HALL CAINE. + +_Dexter Street_, by COMPTON MACKENZIE, and _The Meanderings of +MacKenzie_, by G. S. STREET. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD-FASHIONED PLAYGOER VISITS A MODERN REVUE. + +[Illustration: "Aha! Best seat in the house. Third row of stalls--next +to gangway. I'm going to enjoy myself." + +Act I. Scene I. + +Scene II. + +Scene III. + +Act II. Scene I. + +"I say--do you think you could change my stall for a quiet chair on the +stage?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Clubwoman._ "I noticed you talking to that old +bore. Did she get on to her ailments?" + +_Second Clubwoman._ "Yes. You might almost call it an organ recital."] + + * * * * * + +A TALE OF HEADS. + +After nine o'clock parade on that memorable morning the Sergeant-Major +spoke to this effect: Though he, the Sergeant-Major, was new to the +unit, he could and would make it plain that It Would Not Do. Had he +taken up his duties in a dashed glee club or in a blanked choral +society, he wanted to know? Though he had tried hard not to, he had been +forced to admit that It was d----d disgraceful. He had never, he +reflected aloud, seen anything like it during an active army existence +that had provided many shocking sights. And he opined that there would +be fatigues and C.B.s and court-martials and shootings-at-dawn if It +continued. He was good, even for a Sergeant-Major. + +The trouble was the hairs of the heads of the unit. And though he had +rightly got the unit by the hairs which should have been short we felt +it to be exceeding the limit on his part to refer to us as blanked +musicians. Moreover, the band were most annoyed about it. + +The Sergeant-Major paused to reflect, and to arrange matters with what +he imagined was a sense of justice. + +Though, he continued bitterly, we _were_ more like a Spillikins Circle +than an Army unit, he would, from sheer native kindness of heart, save +us the imminent gibbet or the burial by a trench-digging party which +awaited us. He would merely illustrate our manifold faults by taking the +case of No. 3 in the rear rank. + +"Please, Sir----" This from the outraged No. 3. + +Silence must be observed. There was no excuse for the state of No. 3's +hair. Here in camp (coldly), though we _were_ five miles from a town, we +had a barber, and by all report, though he had been there but two days, +an excellent barber. No. 3, rear rank, did not appear to know this. + +"Sir----" + +Silence in the ranks. Not only was the living presence of a most +valuable functionary stultified by No. 3, but he, like all his slack +kind, must babble on parade. He, the S.-M., would do all the talking +necessary. But even if No. 3 thought he _was_ back in his local Debating +Society even then he need not wear his hair long. The others might look +at him to see what an unclipped man could come to, and afterwards show +him the Barber's Tent. + +A ripple went along the ranks, and No. 3's arms shot up despairingly. + +There need be no demonstration, and No. 3 should remember that he was on +parade and furthermore was standing at attention. He had had no orders +to practise semaphore signalling. + +Well, perhaps (grudgingly) he had now given the unit some faint inkling +of his feelings on the matter. If at any time in the future a long hair +was found on a man in his unit, etc., etc. (eleven minutes). + +He would now condescend to hear any excuse that No. 3, rear rank, had to +offer, so that he would be able to remark upon its utter worthlessness. +Now, No. 3. + +"Please, Sir," viciously, "I'm the barber." + + * * * * * + + "For fifteen years, he [Sir William Osler] said, the slowly + evolving, sprightly race of boys should dwell in a Garden of + Eden, such as that depicted by the poet. + + During this decisive period a boy was an irresponsible, yet + responsible creature, a mental and moral comedian taking the + colour of his environment."--_Daily Mirror._ + +We fancy that Sir WILLIAM really said "chameleon," but most +schoolmasters will think that the other word is just as good. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CRACK OF DOOM.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.) + +[Illustration: _Paddy._ "I'll not have conscription." + +_Premier._ "That's all right. You're left out of it." + +_Paddy._ "Is it lave me out of it? Another injustice to th' ould +Counthry!"] + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, January 4th._--This is the PERTINACIOUS +PRINGLE'S day. True it is also, to a certain extent, the Empire's. A +Session opening in 1914 has entered upon a third year. After briefest +Christmas recess Members called back to work. They come in numbers that +crowd benches on both sides. Atmosphere electrical with that sense of +great happenings that upon occasion possesses it. Understood that +Cabinet have resolved to recommend adoption of principle of compulsory +military service. Rumours abroad of consequent resignations from +Cabinet. To-morrow PRIME MINISTER will deal with these matters. +Sufficient for to-day is urgent business of amending Munitions of War +Bill in order to meet Labour objections. + +In such grave circumstances reasonable to expect that private Members, +howsoever fussy by nature, would restrain themselves and permit public +business to go forward. Member for North-West Lanarkshire does not take +that view of his duty. Here is a day on which eyes of nation are with +exceptional intensity and anxiety fixed on House of Commons. What an +opportunity for PRINGLE-prangling! So at it he went, kept it up not +only, through Question Hour but, by interruptions of MINISTER OF +MUNITIONS when speaking during successive stages of Amending Bill, by +questions in Committee, by acrimonious speeches on Report Stage and +Third Reading, he hushed HOGGE, snowed-up SNOWDEN, ousted OUTHWAITE, and +dammed the flow of DALZIEL'S discourse. + +In spite of this, which, in addition to major objections, wasted +something like two hours, work got through a little before ten o'clock. + +_Business done._--Munitions Amendment Bill, recommitted for insertion of +now clause, passed through remaining stages. Read a third time amidst +general cheers. + +[Illustration: THE PERTINACIOUS PRINGLE.] + +_Wednesday._--When shortly after three o'clock this afternoon the PRIME +MINISTER asked leave to introduce Bill delicately described as designed +"to make provision with respect to military service in connection with +the present War" he was greeted by hearty cheer from audience that +packed the Chamber from floor to topmost row of benches in Strangers' +Gallery. Members who had not reserved a seat filled the side Galleries +and overflowed in a group thronging the Bar. + +Since the War began we have from time to time had crowded Houses +awaiting momentous announcement from PREMIER. A distinction of to-day's +gathering is the considerable proportion of Members in khaki. The whip +summoning attendance had sounded as far as the trenches in Flanders, +bringing home numbers more than sufficient to "make a House" of +themselves. Among them was General SEELY, who contributed to debate one +of its most effective speeches. He met with friendly reception even from +that part of the House not similarly disposed when he was accustomed to +address it from Treasury Bench. + +The EX-HOME SECRETARY, rising to state the conscientious reasons that +compelled the sacrifice of high Ministerial office, also had warm +reception from all the Benches. General regret that he will, for the +present at least, resume the status of private Member after a +Ministerial career as brilliant as it was brief. + +_Business done._--Bill requiring military service for unattested single +men and childless widowers of military age introduced by PRIME MINISTER. +Blandly explained that it is not necessarily compulsory. If this class +of citizen who has hitherto held back now likes to come forward and +enlist he may do so under the Group system, which will be reopened for +that purpose. What could be more thoughtful--or obliging? + +_Thursday._--By comparison with yesterday's crowded attendance and +buzzing excitement, through greater part of to-day's sitting Benches +only moderately full, and general conditions otherwise normal. Members +who objected to carrying debate over second day felt themselves +justified. Two speeches made it worth while to extend debate--one +delivered from below Gangway by LONG JOHN WARD of Stoke-on-Trent, now a +full-blown Colonel. Hurried over from the Front to defend and vote for +Compulsion Bill, although heretofore a strong opponent of conscription. +Animated manly speech, much cheered from all quarters. + +PRINCE ARTHUR, who, moving from modest place habitually occupied towards +lower end of Treasury Bench, seated himself next the PREMIER, thence +shortly after ten o'clock rose and delivered a speech which recalled his +greatest triumphs achieved in former days when in different +circumstances he stood by same historic brass-bound box which DIZZY in +his day clutched and GLADSTONE thumped. + +As he resumed his seat amidst storm of cheering, SPEAKER put the +Question for leave to introduce the Bill. A mighty shout of "Ay!" +responded, answered by futile cry of "No!" + +"Agreed! agreed!" cried the peace-makers. But the minority were out for +a division and insisted on taking it. Resulted in leave being given by +majority of four to one, a conclusion hailed with renewed outburst of +cheering. + +_Business done._--Leave given by 403 votes against 105. PRIME MINISTER +brought in Military Service Bill. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +"Want to do your bit, my lad?" + +"Of c-c-c-c-c-c-c-course I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do." + +"Then take my advice and join the machine-gun section."] + + * * * * * + + "The holder of an Exchequer Bond for £100 will receive £100 on + December 1st, 1910, and will in the meantime receive £5 per + annum in interest."--_Evening Paper._ + +The new security seems to have a brilliant future behind it. + + * * * * * + + "The bride, who was given away by her father, wore a dress of + pale bridegroom. She was attended by the hat, and carried a + bouquet, the gift of the pink taffeta silk and a large dark blue + bridegroom's two little nieces." + + _Kentish Mercury._ + +What colour was the bridegroom? + + * * * * * + + "The last paragraph in Mr. A. F. Dunnett's letter, appearing in + our issue of the 14th inst., contained an obvious error. + 'Nathan's vineyard' should, of course, have been 'Nabob's + vineyard.'" + + _Daily Gleaner (Kingston, Jamaica)._ + +Of course--where the pickles grow. + + * * * * * + + "Sergeant Capes saw the fowls in a crater on Castle-hill. On the + crater being opened two of them were almost dead, and others + were exhausted, and could scarcely stand." + + _Nottingham Evening Post._ + +No doubt overcome by the gas. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tradesman._ "Are you insuring against Zeppelins for the +New Year?" + +_Householder._ "Well, I'm thinking of it, as I remember reading in the +last raid how they dropped seventeen bombs in one area. I wonder they +don't get hit, standing still all that time in the air."] + + * * * * * + +THE SORROWFUL SNIPER. + + I'm un'appy, so I am. Don't enjoy me beef nor jam, + An' I'm grumpy an' as 'umpy as a camel. + Bin an' stopped my leave? Oh no! _That_ was fixed up long ago; + But the trouble is, I've got it, an' I feel afeared to go, + An' it's all alonger tin o' green enamel. + + Fancy spendin' New Year's Eve, when you oughter be on leave, + In a dugout where the damp is slowly tricklin', + All alonger tin o' green an' a sniper lank an' lean + 'Oo was swearin' an' a-strafin' an' a-snipin' in between, + Till the Sergeant told me off to stop 'is ticklin'. + + So I trimmed meself with straw, an' a grass an' hay coffyure, + An' I clothed meself with faggots that a pal 'ad; + Then the Sergeant got a brush an' some green an' sticky slush, + An' 'e plastered me all over till I couldn't raise a blush, + And I looked jest like a vegetable salad. + + Then I crept out in the night, an' I waited for the light, + But the sniper saw me fust an' scored an inner. + I could 'ear the twigs divide, but I signalled 'im a "wide," + Then I squinted down me barrel, an' I let me finger glide, + An' I pipped 'im where 'e uster put 'is dinner. + + Yus, I busted up the Bosch, but I found out, at the wash, + That enamel was a fast an' lastin' colour, + An' the soap I used to clean made me shine a brighter green; + I'm a cabbage, I'm a lettuce, I'm a walkin' kidney bean, + An' I ain't a-leavin' Flanders till it's duller. + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS FOR TAXPAYERS. + + "Income-tax can be paid in the case of individuals and firms who + are liable to direct assessment in respect of trade, profession, + or husbandry, in two halfpenny instalments--the first on January + 1, and the second on July 1."--_Glasgow Evening Times._ + +Lucky Scots, to get off with twa bawbees! + + * * * * * + +From an advertisement;-- + + "----'s Mustard Digests the Dish." + +And so saves washing-up. + + * * * * * + + "Strive to acquire now ideas. Vary the hour of rising. If you + take luncheon out never go always to the same place."--_Daily + Mail._ + +We seldom go always to the "Blue Lion," and usually never by the same +way every time, for fear of hardly ever being unable to get out of the +habit of it. + + * * * * * + +"_The Westminster Gazette_," writes a correspondent from Venice, "has +always been regarded by the Italian Press as the most insular of English +newspapers." Still we think that _La Difesa_, of which he encloses an +extract, goes too far in referring to our esteemed contemporary as _La +West-Monstergazette_. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"The Basker." + +[Illustration: Miss Hilda Moore as _Mrs. Radford_.] + +I imagine _The Basker_ to be designed by "CLIFFORD MILLS" as a Tract +against Dukes. And certainly her _Duke of Cheviot_ is a miracle of +obtuseness, who, if he had not been made a hero by his valet (an +original and happy creation), would have grievously belied the proud old +family motto, "_Je me sauvegarde_." _George de Lacorfe_, fashionable, +_fainéant_ and forty, reader of _The Pink 'Un_, ardent bachelor, +_Basker_ in short, suddenly finds the dukedom of Cheviot thrust upon +him. Quite unlike his egregious ancestors, who went out and biffed their +enemies in the gate, especially the _Gorndykes_, who were an unpleasant +shifty kind of raiders, _George_ proposes to resign all the Cheviot +places, emoluments and responsibilities to his cousin and heir, _Richard +de Lacorfe_, on the day the said _Richard_ shall marry. Now _Richard_ is +a _de Lacorfe_ with the hereditary _Gorndyke_ blood and nose acquired on +the distaff side. This conspicuous organ inflames the anger of +_George's_ grandmother, the dowager, steeped as she is in the history +and prejudices of the family, while other members of the august circle +harbour unkind thoughts about their kinsman. + +And well they might. If anyone had "wrong 'un" written all over him it +was _Richard_. Indeed his Roman nose was the straightest part of him. +The guileless _George_ who, though (or because) his grandmother +presented him every birthday after his majority with a copy of _The +History of the de Lacorfes_, knew and cared nothing about their glorious +and stormy past, didn't suspect the _Gorndyke_ rat in the _de Lacorfe_ +granary. Spendthrift _Richard_, who is always getting urgent blue +envelopes from _Samuel & Samuel_, is bent on marrying for money the very +_Diana_ that _George_ loves for her blue hyacinth eyes. There is a +misunderstanding between _George_ and _Diana_ (of such a childlike +ingenuousness as to suggest that really this too easy spot-stroke should +be barred to playwrights), and the idiotic girl promptly engages herself +to _Richard_, who is of course in love with a patently naughty married +woman. The most reckless of lovers from the moment when in his ardour he +(apparently) bites this lady's hand in the First Act, in full view of +the family, till he plans a flirtation by the Cheviot postern gate on +the very eve of his marriage to _Diana_, he is an obviously doomed +villain. The lady is surprised by _George_ in the act of knocking thrice +on the said postern within. When three knocks are heard without together +with the voice of _Richard_, the _Duke_ really begins to suspect +something. Virtuous imbecility prevails over villainous stupidity. The +final blow is dealt upon the _Gorndyke_ nose. _Diana_ is retrieved by +this last of the safe-guarders, and we are left to a melancholy +calculation as to what the mental capacity of their issue is likely to +be. + +[Illustration: THE SOUL'S AWAKENING. + +_Nalet_, the valet (Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE), having been dismissed for +not calling _George de Lacorfe_ (Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER) in the morning, +makes good by waking his master's soul up at one o'clock at night.] + +A good deal of spontaneous and honest laughter, the best of +testimonials, greeted this rather ingenuous extravaganza. I think Mrs. +CLIFFORD MILLS would do well not to prolong her mystifications beyond +the point when they are quite clear to her audience. May I without +boastfulness record that I guessed all about what _Richard_ was going to +do with the tiara quite three minutes before a well-known editor in +front of me gave away the secret in a hoarse whisper to his neighbour? +And that was some time before the author had finished the "preparation" +of the business. And may I ask why _Richard_ was forced to so fatuous a +contrivance as the pawning of the tiara to make the exigent _Samuels_ +stay their hands for a week? True he couldn't tell them about the +Cheviot deal, which was a secret between himself and _George_; but he +could surely have used the fact of his coming marriage with _Diana's_ +money? And why didn't _Diana_ write to her mother and ask her what was +the solemn warning about _Richard_ that she had on the tip of her tongue +when she was interrupted just before going abroad? There _is_ a mail to +Singapore, isn't there? And does a _George_, succeeding to a dukedom, +become "_Cheviot_" to his sister? + +Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER was at his excellent best in the lighter moods of +the _Basker_. But I did not like to see him in pain (especially as it +all seemed so unnecessary). Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE, in the really +engaging part of the _Duke's_ valet, who learned to think for himself +and read to such excellent effect the history so carelessly neglected by +his master, was quite admirable. But then he always is. Mr. NORMAN +FORBES had little to exercise his powers in a churchwarden version of +the stage-parson with a tiresome wife. Miss HILDA MOORE looked +charmingly wicked and acted with intelligence. The too serious _rôle_ +tossed lightly by the author into the broadest farce presents an +impossible problem. Miss ELLEN O'MALLEY never mishandles a part. +Sometimes, as here, a part is not too kind to her. As _George's_ sister +she could be no more than a competent peg. Miss MARIE HEMINGWAY had +merely to look perplexed and pretty, which she did with complete +success. Everyone was frankly delighted to welcome back to the stage +that great artist Miss GENEVIEVE WARD as the _Dowager Duchess_. She had +the sort of reception that is only accorded to favourites of much more +than common merit. And she played with decision, humour and resource. +Sir GEORGE made a happy and generous little speech about her. The author +was called to receive the felicitations of a gratified house. + +T. + + * * * * * + +A Grand Concert is to be given at the Kingsway Hall by the Independent +Music Club, on January 18th, at 2.30, in aid of Mr. C. ARTHUR PEARSON'S +Fund for Blinded Soldiers and Sailors. The Independent Music Club, which +has been of invaluable assistance to musicians suffering from the War, +proposes to entertain at least five hundred Wounded Soldiers at this +Concert. + +Five shillings will provide ticket, transport and tea for one Wounded +Soldier. Gifts for this purpose and for the object of helping our +Blinded Soldiers and Sailors will be very gratefully acknowledged by the +Treasurer, Independent Music Club, 13, Pembroke Gardens, Kensington, W. + + * * * * * + +The net proceeds of a "Special Night" at the National Sporting Club on +Monday, January 17th, commencing at 8 P.M., are to be given to the +Wounded Allies Relief Fund. + + * * * * * + +OPEN SECRETS. + +(_Inspired by the sight, anywhere in France, of the notice: +"Taisez-vous! Méfiez-vous! Les ennemies oreilles vous ecoutent!_") + + There is something in the air, + Dinna doot! + We shall shortly see some _guerre_ + Hereaboot. + Yes, we're going to make a rush, + Starting Tuesday next at--Hush! + _Pourquoi?_ + _Les ennemies oreilles nous écoutent!_ + + We have got some special guns + For to shoot, + And to make the fleshy Huns + Up and scoot. + Would you care to hear the list? + There's a grandmamma at--Hist! + _Silence!_ + _Les ennemies oreilles nous écoutent!_ + + It is more than patent to + The astute + That a very big to-do + Is _en route_. + There's a million men, I'm told, + Sailing round to land at--Hold! + _Doucement!_ + _Les ennemies oreilles nous écoutent!_ + + Tho' to you, my simple friend, + It is moot + When the War is going to end + (_Dat vas goot!_) + _I_ could say exactly when + Peace will be declared. But then, + _Hélas!_ + _Les ennemies oreilles nous écoutent!_ + + I should be the very last + To dispute + That remarks, too freely passed, + Come as loot + To those wicked people, spies; + Yet what lots and lots of lies + (_Mon Dieu!_) + _Les ennemies oreilles en écoutent!_ + +Henry (Watch Dog). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fickle Young Thing_ (_revisiting Tattooist_.) "Er--do +you think you could possibly alter this badge on my arm? You see, +I've--er--exchanged into another regiment."] + + * * * * * + +From a report of KING FERDINAND'S address to the Sobranje:-- + + "The speech then exalts over victories won, and generally is + couched in a rather orid strain."--_Cork Constitution._ + +Like everything else that FERDY does. + + * * * * * + +New Ideas for War Weddings. + + "The bride looked extremely well in a gown of ivory + crepe-de-chene, trimmed with filet lace and ivory aeroplane. Her + hat was of gathered aeroplane, adorned with real ospreys." + + _Times of Ceylon._ + + "The ceremony and congratulations being of smilax and pom + pom'mums." + + _Wiarton Echo (Canada)._ + + * * * * * + + "The public simply hand in the order and cash to any + tobacconist, with the name of the man to whom the cigarettes are + to be sent, and the welcome gift will reach Tommy in time for + Christmas." + + _Advt. in Morning Paper, Dec. 31st, 1915._ + +Unless, as we all hope, Tommy is at home again before that. + + * * * * * + +Another Crisis Averted. + + "Our London Correspondent says that he has offered to resign, + but the Prime Minister refused to accept his resignation." + + _Cork Examiner._ + + * * * * * + +MY BIRTHDAY. + +"My birthday," I said, "is setting in with its usual severity." + +"What," said Francesca, "has driven you to this terrible conclusion?" + +"Little signs; straws showing how the wind blows." + +"I wonder," she said, "how that came to be a proverb. Personally I don't +keep packets of straws to test the wind by, and I never met anybody else +who did. Handkerchiefs are much more certain, and men's hats are best of +all." + +"Yes," I said, "when I see my hat starting full tilt on an excursion I +always know which way the wind is blowing right enough. Tell me, +Francesca, why does a man's hat, when it's blown off, always bring up in +a puddle?" + +"And get run over by a butcher's cart?" + +"And why does everybody laugh at the hat's owner?" + +"And why does the boy who brings it back to you expect payment for the +miserable and useless object?" + +"And where," I said, "does the owner disappear to afterwards? You never +see a man with a hat on his head that's been run over--no, I mean, with +a hat that's been run over on his head--no, no, I mean, with a hat +that's been run over off his head--Francesca, I give it up; I shall +never get that sentence right, but you know what I mean. Anyhow I will +put the dreadful vision by. What was I talking about when this hat +calamity broke in?" + +"You had made," said Francesca, "a cold and distant allusion to your +birthday. It's coming to-morrow." + +"Well," I said, "it can come if it likes, but I shall refuse to receive +it. I don't want it. I'm quite old enough without it. At my age people +don't have birthdays. They just go on living, and other people say how +wonderful they are for their years, and they must be sixty if they're a +day, but nobody would think so, and----" + +"And that it's all due to early rising and regular habits." + +"And smoking and partial abstemiousness." + +"And general good conduct. But you can have all that sort of praise and +yet celebrate your birthday." + +"But I tell you I won't have my birthday celebrated. Those are my +orders." + +"Orders?" she said. "People don't give orders about absurdities like +that." + +"Yes," I said, "they do; but their orders are not obeyed. There's +Frederick, for instance. He's only eight, I know, but he's got something +up his sleeve. He asked me yesterday if I could lend him threepence, and +did I think that a small notebook with a pencil would be a nice present +for a sort of uncle on his birthday--not a father, mind you, but an +uncle. There's a Machiavelli for you." + +"And what did you say?" + +"I told him I had never met an uncle who didn't adore notebooks, but +that few fathers really appreciated them; and then he countered me. He +said he had noticed that many fathers were uncles too." + +"That child," said Francesca, "will be a Lord Chancellor. He'd look +splendid on a woolsack." + +"Yes, later on. At present his legs would dangle a bit, wouldn't they?" + +"They're very-well-shaped legs, anyhow. Any Lord Chancellor would be +proud to possess them." + +"To resume," I said, "about the birthday. There's Alice too. She's +engaged on some nefarious scheme with a paint-box and a sheet of paper. +It's directed at me, I know, because, whenever I approach her, things +have to be hustled away or covered up. However, it's all useless. My +mind's made up. I will _not_ have a birthday." + +"You can't prevent it, you know." + +"Yes, I can," I said. "It's mine, and if I decide not to have it nobody +can make me." + +"But isn't that rather selfish?" + +"It can't be selfish of me to deprive myself of a birthday." + +"But you're depriving the children of it, and that's worse than selfish. +It's positively heartless." + +"Very well, then, I'm heartless. At any rate my orders are that there +shall be no birthday; and don't you forget it, or, rather, forget it as +hard as ever you can." + +"I can't hold out the least prospect that your suggestion will meet with +favourable consideration." + +The birthday duly arrived, and I went down to breakfast. As I entered +the room a shout of applause broke from the already assembled family. +"Look at your place," said Frederick. I did, and beheld on the table a +collection of unaccustomed articles. There was a box of chocolates from +Muriel and Nina; there was a note-book with an appropriate pencil. +"That," said Frederick, "is for Cousin Herbert's uncle. Ha, ha!" And +there was, from Alice, a painted Calendar fit to hang on any wall. It +represents a Tartar nobleman haughtily walking in a green meadow, with a +background of snow-capped mountains. He has a long pig-tail and a black +velvet cap with a puce knob. His trousers are blue striped with purple. +He has a long blue cloak decorated with red figures, and his carmine +train is borne by a juvenile page dressed in a short orange-coloured +robe. It is a very magnificent design, and on the back of it is +written:-- + + "This is but a Birthday rhyme + Written in this dark War-time. + We can't afford to waste our ink, + And so I'll quickly stop, I think." + +Thus I was compelled to have a birthday after all. + +R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +TO LUCASTA, FROM THE WARS. + + Perusing the epistles I devotedly indite + You long, I know, Lucasta dear, to see me as I write; + Your fancy paints my portrait framed in hectic scenes of war-- + I'll try to show you briefly what my circumstances are. + + Your swain is now a troglodyte; as in a dungeon deep + He who so worshipped stars and you must write and eat and sleep; + Like some swart djinnee of the mine your sunshine-loving slave + Builds airy castles, meet for two, 'neath candles in a cave. + + Above, the sky is very grey, the world is very damp, + His light the sun denies by day, the moon by night her lamp; + Across the landscape soaked and sad the dull guns answer back, + And through the twilight's futile hush spasmodic rifles crack. + + The papers haven't come to-day to show how England feels; + The hours go lame and languidly between our Spartan meals; + We've written letters till we're tired, with not a thing to tell + Except that nothing's doing, weather beastly, writer well. + + So when you feel for us out here--as well I know you will-- + Then sympathise with thousands for their country sitting still; + Don't picture battle-pieces by the lurid Press adored, + But miles and miles of Britishers, in burrows, badly bored! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WAR ECONOMY. + +_Mistress (to chauffeur, who is crawling down-hill)._ "Why are you +driving so slowly?" + +_Chauffeur_ (_ex-coachman_). "Well, Ma'am, you told me to be as +economical as possible these times, so I was puttin' the brake on to +make the down-'ill last as long as possible."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_Narcissus_ (SECKER), by Miss VIOLA MEYNELL, is one of those books for +which I cannot help feeling that my appreciation would have been keener +two years ago than is possible to-day. It is the story of the growth to +manhood of two brothers, _Victor_ and _Jimmy_, who live with their +widowed mother in an outer suburb of London. That there is art, very +subtle and delicate art, in the telling of it goes without saying. The +characters of the brothers are realized with exquisite care. _Victor_, +the elder, uncertain, violently sensitive and emotional, seeking always +from life what he is never destined (at least so far as the present +story carries him) to attain; _Jimmy_, placid, shallow, avoiding all +emotion, attracting happiness like a magnet. Nothing, I repeat, could be +better done in its kind than the pictures of these two, and of the not +very interesting crowd of young persons among whom they move. But, for +all its real beauty of style, I have to confess that the book left me +cold, and even a little irritated. Perhaps we demand something more from +our heroes these days than susceptibility, or indifference, to emotion. +Was the purpose of life, one wonders, ever as delicately elusive as +these bewildered young men seem to find it? I kept longing for Lord +DERBY. Perhaps, again, this is but part of the cleverness of the writer, +and Miss MEYNELL, like the child in the poem, only does it to annoy. But +I hardly think so. Her tenderness and sympathy for _Victor_ especially +are obvious. He, I take it, is _Narcissus_ (though _Narcissi_ would have +been a truer title for the book, as each of the brothers is more in love +with his own reflection than with anything else), and, since he is left +unmarried at the close of the volume, I derived some quiet satisfaction +from the thought that modified conscription might yet make a man of him. + + * * * * * + +Why will the heroes of historical fiction persist in that dangerous +practice of leaving an angry and overmastered villain bound to a tree to +await death or rescue? The result is rescue every time, and one way and +another a mort of trouble for the good characters. Still it may be +argued that if the protagonist of _The Fortunes of Garin_ (CONSTABLE) +had not followed this risky precedent those fortunes would not have led +him where they eventually did, and we should have missed one of the best +costume novels of the year. Miss MARY JOHNSTON is among the very few +waiters whom I can follow without weariness through the mazes of +mediævalism. This tale of the adventures of a knight and a lady in the +days when HENRY II. sat on the throne of England, and his son RICHARD +princed it in Angoulême, is told with an air that lifts it out of +tushery into romance. She wields a picturesque and courtly style, +sometimes indeed a trifle too charged with metaphor to be altogether +manageable (as for example when she speaks of "pouring oil upon the red +embers of a score unpaid"), but for the most part admirably pleasing to +the ear. Her antique figures are alive; and the whole tale goes forward +with a various and high-stepping movement and a glow of colour that +reminded me of nothing more than that splendid pageant one follows round +the walls of the Riccardi Palace in Florence. Of course the journey ends +in lovers' meeting and the teaching of his place to the evil-minded. The +fact that this latter was called _Jaufre_, a name that I would wish +kindlier entreated, is almost my only complaint against a lively and +entertaining story which more than once rises to real beauty. + + * * * * * + +Given a plot of the conventional order I dare say it is best to make +very little fuss or mystery about it. So, at any rate, "KATHARINE TYNAN" +seems to think, for after about page 32 of her latest book, _Since First +I Saw Your Face_ (HUTCHINSON), there is really almost no guessing left +to do, the authoress seeming principally concerned to ensure a smooth +passage for one's prophecies. Thus, while the unknown son of a secret +marriage, happening by good luck to thrash the ostensible claimant to +the title and heroine, gets that successful start in the early pages +that is so necessary to his happiness in the last, and the lady never +really looks like straying far into disconcerting opinions of her own, +even the rival himself obliges us by throwing up the sponge just when +the game should really begin. All this is soothing enough, but it is +also very thin stuff; and the addition of a ghostly ancestress, who +lures her descendants to midnight assignations by smiling at them out of +a LELY painting, does not stiffen things much. The fact is that away +from such a purely Irish subject as, say, "Countrymen All," Mrs. HINKSON +really has not much to tell. Sweeney's New York Stores do not harmonise +at all well with her atmosphere of wistful tragedy. The effect suggests +a soap-bubble trying to cake-walk. + + * * * * * + + When cattle-ships put forth to sea + From Montreal across the Atlantic, + The life on board would not suit me, + Nor you, I think. The cattle frantic, + The tough steel plates beneath the might + Of crashing waters well-nigh riven-- + Ugh! Here it is in black and white, + Clearly described by FREDERICK NIVEN. + + Published by HEINEMANN (six bob), + The book relates the ceaseless battle + Which they must wage whose steady job + Is valeting a mob of cattle; + And yet they pant to get a ship, + For jobs the owners they importune + At--mark you this!--one pound the trip! + I wouldn't do it for a fortune. + + It's just a tale of common men, + Who never went to school or college, + Writ by a skilled and practised pen + Most certainly from first-hand knowledge; + It has no very obvious plan, + No movement, no connected story; + And yet I don't see how you can + Fail to enjoy The _S.S. Glory_. + + You'll meet some men you're sure to like-- + Men who would greet you as a brother; + One is that honest fellow, _Mike_, + And _Cockney_, possibly, another; + Unpolished, quick to wrath and slow, + When roused, to lay aside their cholor, + Yet are they types you ought to know + As well as did the hero, _Scholar_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE UNINTERNED PERIL IN OUR MIDST. + +Portrait of Herr Pfunk ("Sister Susie"), who edits "Our Mites' Corner" +in the well-known weekly, _Mum's Pets_, and also conducts a column of +"Hints to Mothers," which is having an alarming effect on infant +mortality.] + + * * * * * + +In an eloquent foreword to _The Queen's Gift Book_, (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), we are told by Mr. GALSWORTHY that it is "in the nature of a +hat passed round, into which, God send, many hundred thousand coins may +be poured." The coin that we are asked to put into what I hope will be a +very widely circulating hat is half-a-crown, and whatever you may or may +not think of Gift Books I can promise you that in this instance to pay +your money is to get its worth. It is true that some of the contributors +have given us work that we have already had an opportunity to know; but +even here I am not grumbling, for among the stories that have already +been published is Mr. LEONARD MERRICK'S "The Fairy Poodle," a tale so +full of sparkle that the oftener I see it the better I shall be pleased. +All tastes, however, are catered for. You can read tales by Sir J. M. +BARRIE or Mr. JOSEPH HOCKING, verses by Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, Mr. JOHN +OXENHAM or Mrs. HENRY DE LA PASTURE, sketches by Mr. CONRAD or "SAPPER." +But I advise you to read the lot. An especial word of praise is, I feel, +due to Mr. JOHN BUCHAN for a tale humorous enough in its dry way to +squeeze a smile from a mummy, and to the artists who have helped to make +this Gift the success that it is. In short, the book is good, nearly as +good as the object for which it has been published. "In aid," we read on +the cover, "of Queen Mary's Convalescent Auxiliary Hospitals. For +Soldiers and Sailors who have lost their limbs in the War." Here then, +by helping to provide our maimed heroes with the best mechanical +substitutes for the limbs which they have lost, is a chance for us to +pay a little of the unpayable debt we owe to them. Mr. GALSWORTHY may +rest assured that his appeal to "our honour in this matter" will not be +made in vain. + + * * * * * + +An extract from the Master of the TEMPLE'S sermon on "Muddling +Through":-- + + "When we rejoiced at the efficiency of our Navy we too seldom + recollected that it was primarily due to a superbly effective + system of education built up by the efforts of a few great men + loyally supported by enthusiastic insubordinates."--_Morning + Paper._ + +NELSON'S "blind eye" is not forgotten. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +150, January 12, 1916, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 22672-8.txt or 22672-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/7/22672/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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