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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 12, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 12, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2007 [EBook #22672]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+
+
+January 12, 1916
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There is much satisfaction in the German Army at the announcement that
+iron coins to the value of ten million marks are to be substituted for
+nickel and copper. It is now hoped that those Crosses may yet prove to
+be worth something.
+
+       ***
+
+A resident of Honor Oak writes to the papers to say that such was the
+patriotic anxiety of people in his neighbourhood to pay their taxes at
+the earliest possible moment that he found a long queue before the
+collector's door on January 3rd and had to wait an hour before his turn
+came. On reading his letter several West-end theatres patriotically
+offered the collector the loan of their "House Full" boards.
+
+       ***
+
+Prince WILLIAM OF WIED, the ex-ruler of Albania, is at present in
+Serbia, feverishly awaiting restoration to his former dignity. The
+situation is not very favourable, however, and his German advisers have
+warned him to curb his Mpretuosity.
+
+       ***
+
+An American barque with a cargo of beans for Germany has been seized and
+unloaded by the Swedish authorities. A cruel fate seems to overtake
+every effort of the United States to give Germany these necessary
+commodities.
+
+       ***
+
+Among the suspicious articles discovered at the Bulgarian Consulate in
+Salonika was a large stock of red brassards. But the inference that they
+belonged to members of the British V.T.C., who were determined to fight
+for the enemy rather than not fight at all, is certainly premature.
+
+       ***
+
+Several inmates of the Swansea workhouse, having been told that
+margarine was to be served out instead of butter, returned their
+portions, only to discover that it was butter after all. As similar
+incidents have occurred in many other establishments it is suggested
+that margarine should in future be dyed scarlet or blue in order to
+prevent a repetition of these embarrassing contretemps.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir JOHN SIMON, in the debate on the Compulsion Bill, said that the
+alleged 650,000 slackers were arrived at "by subtracting two figures
+from one another." Everyone must agree with him that if that was the
+method employed the result would be "negligible."
+
+       ***
+
+In a tram-car in a Northern city, as the girl-conductor went round for
+fares, a "nut" tried to take a rise out of her by asking for a ticket to
+"Gallipoli." She charged him for the full length of the tram journey,
+and as soon as the tram arrived at a recruiting office she rang the bell
+and said, "You change here, Sir, for Gallipoli."
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER thinks it very mean of the British Government to turn his
+Corfu palace into a hospital. His submarine commanders are now wondering
+how to shell the inmates without damaging their master's property.
+
+       ***
+
+The Militant Suffragette who some years ago damaged the Velasquez Venus
+with an axe has just published a novel, of which the hero is a plumber
+who thought he was a poet. It ought to be called "The Burst Pipe," but
+isn't.
+
+       ***
+
+Women are now employed on some of the railways in the North. A traveller
+recently had two Tommies for fellow-passengers. They related that they
+had every week to take a long slow duty journey which was "the limit";
+but lately it had taken on a different aspect, for "_now_," said Tommy,
+"when you get too bored you just hop out and kiss the porter."
+
+       ***
+
+Extract from a letter written to a loved one from the Front:--
+
+    "I received your dear little note in a sandbag. You say that you
+    hope the sandbag stops a bullet. Well, to tell the truth, I hope
+    it don't, as I have been patching my trousers with it."
+
+       ***
+
+PRINCE VON BUELOW, who has been for some time in Switzerland, has
+obtained an increase in the number of his secretaries, of whom he now
+has a round dozen. Several of the poor fellows are suffering from
+writer's cramp through having to pen so many letters explaining that the
+Prince is at Lucerne purely for the sake of his health.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Fiery Major_ (_discussing delinquent Subaltern_). "But there--what can
+you expect? He's only one of those temporary blighters!"
+
+_Colonel_ (_sweetly_). "But isn't that better than being a permanent
+blighter?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BATTLE OF THE PASS.
+
+["This Bill was 'selling the pass.'"--_Sir William Byles, in the House,
+on The Military Service Bill_.]
+
+  "What though against our sacred front
+    They muster, miles on miles,
+  I am resolved to stick the brunt,"
+    Said bold HORATIUS BYLES;
+  "For Liberty I'll take my stand,
+    Just like a stout Berserk,
+  And still defend with bloody brand
+    Our glorious Right to Shirk.
+
+  "We've SIMON, worth four columns' length;
+    We've REDMOND, doughty dog;
+  THOMAS and those twin towers of strength,
+    PRINGLE and whole-souled HOGGE;
+  And OUTHWAITE--not our dearest foe,
+    Bulgar or Bosch or Turk,
+  Could wish to plant a ruder blow
+    For Britain's Right to Shirk.
+
+  "And, lastly, should the Tyrant storm
+    The pass for which we fight,
+  It must be o'er the riddled form
+    Of Me, the Champion Knight;
+  Meanwhile, on caitiffs who would keep
+    The pledge we bade them burke,
+  My lusty battle-cry shall leap:--
+    'God and our Right to Shirk!'"
+
+  The scrap was over. There he lay
+    Prone on the reeking grass;
+  "SIMON," his faint lips strove to say,
+    "Somebody's sold the pass!"
+  "True," said the other; "I descry
+    The NORTHCLIFFE'S hand at work."
+  "Farewell!" said BYLES; "'tis sweet to die
+    For Britain's Right to Shirk!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORLD WARFARE OF THE BRITISH FLEET.
+
+What it has done in 1915.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to Mr. ARCHIBALD HURD in "The Daily Telegraph._")
+
+Superiority, and again Superiority! In this one word lies the secret of
+our success at sea. Yet it would be hard to say how many careless
+civilians there are, taking all things for granted, who fail to
+recognise that fact even now. Not numbers nor organisation, nor men nor
+guns nor ships--though these have counted for something--have been
+responsible for our victory. It has been due above all to
+superiority--sheer superiority.
+
+Think what would have happened if there had been any strategic fumbling
+at the opening of the War! It is not pleasant to reflect upon what might
+have occurred (had not superiority stepped in) at the very outset if,
+for instance, we had sent several _Dreadnoughts_ to catch the _Emden_.
+It was strongly suspected, mind you, that there were German armed
+vessels on the trade routes. As one merchantman after another was sunk
+there could no longer be any doubt about it. What if, in panic, we had
+suddenly dispersed our naval force to every part of the globe? What
+then? But we didn't. What again if it had been determined, in accordance
+with some fanciful scheme, to concentrate our main striking force in the
+Mersey? Germany well might have captured the initiative. But authority
+was not distracted from its primary purpose. Was its policy a success?
+Come, now, was it?
+
+The old year has gone. On January 4th the British Fleet had been at war
+seventeen months--roughly seventy-four weeks (anyone can count them up;
+there is nothing abstruse about my statistics). In a word, it might
+almost be said, with some approach to accuracy, that it has been in the
+throes of the struggle for a year and a half. Very well.
+
+The German Flag has been banished from the ocean. Not since the War
+began has a German battleship steamed down the Channel--nor a battle
+cruiser, nor yet an armoured cruiser, nor even a light cruiser, nor a
+monitor, nor a destroyer. None of them--not one. Why is that? Because
+(_vide supra_) the German Fleet has been banished from the ocean. It
+still exists, but it is safely locked up behind explosive agents (mines)
+and protected by submersive factors (submarines). The German Fleet is in
+a zareba.
+
+Let us recall the striking words of one of Germany's leading naval
+strategists, written, mark you, before the War: "England's strength is
+mainly in her Fleet." I wonder now if that is generally known.
+
+He goes on to define the duties of a fleet in the following words:--
+
+(1) To avert invasion.
+(2) To keep the sea open for the arrival of imports;
+(3) And the departure of exports;
+(4) And for the exit of re-exports;
+(5) Also the entrance of re-imports.
+(6) To protect trade.
+
+Has the British Fleet succeeded?
+
+The German Flag is banished from the seas. In January 1916 the German
+Fleet is still lurking in that zareba. The _Dreadnought_ embodied an
+offensive _in excelsis_, even as the expansion of the _Dreadnought_
+policy embodies an offensive _in extenso_ and imposes upon the enemy a
+defensive _in extremis_.
+
+It is perhaps hardly realised that the performance of the British Navy
+in this War has no parallel in history. In the past, enemy frigates
+always succeeded in getting out of ports, however close the blockade.
+But none has broken through this time--not a single frigate. On the
+other hand enemy submarines may be said to have been more formidable
+than in the Napoleonic wars.
+
+But the German Fleet is strong. I am not one of the sort of humourists
+who hold it up to contempt in its inactivity. For that matter I am not
+any sort of humourist. Perhaps you have found that out. But the German
+High Seas Fleet is no fit subject for joke. That it has proved harmless
+is due to one thing alone--superiority.
+
+And so the War wags. All over the high seas our merchantmen continue to
+inscribe their indelible furrows.
+
+And where is the German Fleet? I think I have answered that.
+
+Here then I conclude my synopsis of the work of the Fleet in 1915. And
+if it be said that it might well have stood almost word for word as the
+record of the work of the Fleet in 1914, I may reply that I sometimes
+wistfully wonder if I shall have to make any alterations in the text
+before it goes to press again this time next year.
+
+Bis.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY EARLY VICTORIAN.
+
+    "Handsomely carved early Victorian sideboard, been in one family
+    for a century."--_Advt. in "Horncastle News."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech as reported by a morning paper:--
+
+    "We were quite ready to carry on the principle of keeping a
+    united nation by keeping in opposition and not facetiously
+    opposing the Government."
+
+Unlike those eminent humourists, Messrs. HOGGE, PRINGLE, and KING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING.
+
+Bosch (_with visions of the conquest of Egypt_). "I SUPPOSE HE KNOWS THE
+WAY THERE." Camel (_overhearing_). "_AND_ BACK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Harassed N.C.O._ "Call that 'presenting arms'! If I was
+the King and you presented arms like that, I'd--I'd throw my hat at
+you!" ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PESSIPHONE.
+
+It is weary work being a pessimist these days, for the process of
+corrugating the brow and groaning at the War news must of necessity
+entail much energy. For some time past it has been patent to sympathetic
+observers that what the pessimist to-day really needs is a machine to do
+the work for him.
+
+To meet this want the Electrophobia Syndicate have invented the
+Pessiphone--a mixture of gramophone and pessimist--believing that he who
+to-day can make two whimpers grow where one grew before deserves well of
+his country in war time. With the Pessiphone there is now absolutely no
+excuse for cheerfulness. It is the marvel of the age, and has very
+fittingly been described as worth a guinea a groan. With one pint of
+petrol the Pessiphone will disseminate more depression throughout the
+household in ten minutes than could be accomplished in a day by thirty
+human pessimists.
+
+As soon as people commence to be cheerful all you have to do is to press
+the button and hold on to something. A child can start it but nobody can
+stop it. Ten minutes is all that is sufficient to give a whole family
+melancholia or creeping dyspepsia. It has been known to be fatal at 200
+yards' range. Messrs. WILKIE BARD and _George Graves_ have already
+offered a heavy reward for the body dead or alive of the inventor--a
+fact which speaks highly for the machine and its maker.
+
+When the instrument was first tried on a select party of confirmed
+optimists two of them rushed out of the office and have not been heard
+of since, while the others clawed savagely at the office mat.
+
+No burglar will go near it. It will drive away rate-collectors and poor
+relations. One client has already used it on his mother-in-law with
+favourable results.
+
+The Pessiphone is fitted with a little oil-bath, all black fittings,
+self-starting lever, Stormy Arthur two-speed gear, thus rendering it
+easy of change from "Mildly Miserable" to "Devastating," and the whole
+is packed complete with accessories and delivered carriage free to your
+back garden, where it may be let loose.
+
+The following letters from grateful pessimists--all involuntary
+contributions--speak for themselves:--
+
+    Gentlemen,--For years I have been troubled with ginger hair, but
+    since using the Pessiphone I have had the beastly stuff turn
+    grey.
+
+    Dear Sirs,--I used to read _The Moaning Herald_ aloud each
+    morning, but I now use the Pessiphone with more deadly effect.
+
+    Householder writes: Please turn the Pessiphone off at the main.
+    None of my family has been able to get near the house for five
+    days.
+
+    Golder's Green says: The other day the butcher's boy, cheerful
+    as usual, was coming up the garden path whistling, and though it
+    may hardly seem credible this so affected the Pessiphone that it
+    actually jumped off the table and bit the boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHANGE OF CURE.
+
+    "The Infectious Diseases Hospital at Colchester has been
+    appointed to the vicarage of Hurst Green, Etchingham, Sussex."
+
+    _Essex and Halstead Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM A CHEMIST'S REMINISCENCES:--
+
+    "In the early part of the last century the sale of leeches was
+    one of the most important. Doctors bled their patients for every
+    imaginable ailment. To-day all that we can say of leeches is
+    that we just keep them."--_Observer_.
+
+As pets, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RULES FOR HERO-NAILERS.
+
+The following notice appears daily in the _Wilhelmshavener Tageblatt._
+
+The statue to which it refers, known as "The Trusty Look-Out,"
+represents a seaman in oilskins looking out over the North Sea. The face
+is that of VON TIRPITZ.
+
+    The Trusty Look-out.
+
+    Nails may be driven into the statue on week-days between 11 and
+    1, and on Sundays between 10 and 5. The sale of tickets for
+    Nails and Shields takes place at the Treasury of the Town Hall
+    during office hours, and also at the time for driving in Nails
+    on the spot.
+
+    Further, tickets for iron Nails may be bought in the following
+    shops: (_here follows a list of three booksellers, one general
+    store and six tobacco shops_).
+
+    The prices are fixed at:--
+
+      0.50 m. for an iron Nail.
+      5.00 m. for a silver Nail.
+      10.00 m. for a small gold Nail.
+      20.00 m. for a larger gold Nail.
+
+    Anyone who buys 100, 200, 300 or 400 marks' worth of iron Nails
+    receives a silver Shield with a corresponding inscription;
+    similarly, a gold Shield for iron Nails to the value of 500 and
+    more marks. Whoever changes a 10 mark gold piece receives an
+    iron Nail free.
+
+    For the purpose of preparing inscriptions on Shields the date on
+    which it is proposed to drive in the Nails must be notified at
+    the Treasury three days in advance.
+
+    If clubs, societies, or other collections of people wish to
+    drive in their Nails in private parties they are requested to
+    get into touch with the Municipal Architect, Mr. Zopff, with a
+    view to fixing the day and hour, in order that no delay may be
+    caused by overcrowding.
+
+    _Wilhelmshaven_, 12_th December_, 1915.
+
+    For the Municipal Council.
+
+    (Signed) Bartelt.
+
+Not in a spirit of carping criticism, but as earnest admirers of German
+forethought and thoroughness (_Gr�ndlichkeit_), we feel it our duty to
+point out that there are a few contingencies for which these otherwise
+admirable regulations fail to provide, and we beg leave to suggest to
+the Municipal Council of Wilhelmshaven the following additions:--
+
+(1) It is unpatriotic and un-German to spend more time than necessary in
+driving in nails, as standing-room, the number of hammers and the
+patience of the officials are all limited.
+
+(2) The limit of time allowed for driving in one nail is one minute, for
+a silver nail two minutes, for a small gold nail two and a-half minutes
+and for a large gold nail three minutes.
+
+(3) If in any case the time-limit is exceeded the Municipal nail-driver
+will displace the person whose lack of skill is responsible for the
+delay and will drive home the offending nail himself.
+
+(4) If any person offers resistance to this procedure he or she will be
+nailed to the statue by the Municipal nail-driver as a warning to
+others. A large _iron_ nail will be used for this purpose, the charge
+for which will be added to the death-duties.
+
+(5) It is unpatriotic and un-German to use bad language when driving in
+nails. However, in view of the well-known tenderness of the human heart
+and the high state of nervous tension in which many persons of an ardent
+patriotic disposition may be expected to perform this supreme act of
+symbolic devotion, those who drive in iron nails will be allowed to
+swear once for each nail, or seven times for half-a-dozen nails, whilst
+a higher proportion of swear words will be allowed for silver and gold
+nails, on the progressive lines laid down in (2).
+
+(6) Anyone exceeding the patriotic limit of bad language will be dealt
+with by the Municipal nail-driver as in (4).
+
+(7) Classes of instruction in nail-driving will be held in the Town-hall
+daily between 10 and 11 A.M. (Sundays excepted).
+
+(8) Persons who wish to be photographed in the act of nail-driving must
+give notice to the Municipal photographer two days in advance. The cost
+of the photograph will naturally be in inverse proportion to the value
+of the nail which is driven in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Bejabers! If you're gettin' on, I'm gettin' off!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Hon. John Fellowes Wallop, of Barton House, Morchard Bishop,
+    brother and heir-presumptive of the Earl of Portsmouth, entered
+    his 57th pear on Monday."
+
+                _Western Times._
+
+We congratulate him on his digestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NIGHT OPERATIONS.
+
+"Storm or no storm," said Charles, "as a medical man I can't stick this
+fug any longer."
+
+He disappeared behind the heavy anti-Zepp curtains and opened the
+window. A piercing draught caught the back of Bill's neck and he sat up.
+
+"Look here," he said crossly, "this is no night for a poor Special to go
+out in. Can't I send a medical certificate instead?"
+
+"You cannot," replied Charles. "I will not be a party to such evasions."
+
+"It's pouring with rain and blowing a gale. No Zepp ever hatched would
+come over to-night."
+
+"That's not the point, Bill." Kit unexpectedly opened one eye. "How are
+Charles and I to sleep soundly in our warm beds unless we know you're
+outside, guarding us?"
+
+"That's right," growled Bill. "Hub it in. Your turn to-morrow, anyway."
+
+The other two sang the praises of bed in fervent antistrophe till at
+last Bill rose with a groan and assumed his overcoat, badge and
+truncheon. He stopped at the door.
+
+"Charles," said he, "if after this night's work I die of bronchial
+catarrh, unzepp'd, unhonoured and unsung----"
+
+"Good night, dear old thing," interposed Charles sweetly. "Run away and
+play, there's a good child; Uncle's tired."
+
+He disappeared to bed.
+
+An hour later he was awakened by a tremendous knocking at the
+front-door. Resolutely turning on to his other side, he tried to ignore
+it, but the fusillade continued and swelled. Only when it appeared
+likely to do permanent and irreparable damage to the building did he
+rush out on to the landing. There he met Kit, half awake, with his
+eyelids tightly gummed together.
+
+"That ass Bill," he said peevishly. "Forgotten his latchkey most likely.
+Serve him right if we left him there!"
+
+"My good man, one must sleep."
+
+Charles ran downstairs, opened the door and indignantly confronted the
+glistening figure on the steps.
+
+"It is my duty to warn you, Sir," said William's voice in an official
+but triumphant tone, "that one of your downstairs windows has been left
+open. Most dangerous. Also," he added quickly, "that I am authorised to
+use my truncheon in self-defence, and that anything you say may be used
+as evidence against you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNRULY BRITANNIA.
+
+Dear Mr. Punch,--I see that Canon MASTERMAN, in his Presidential Address
+to the Members of the Teachers' Guild of Great Britain and Ireland,
+delivered yesterday week, observed that the German teacher had been the
+servant of the State; his function had been to foster love for the
+Fatherland. But, he continued, "that love was degraded by jealousy,
+distrust and arrogance. The spirit that breathed through our 'Rule,
+Britannia!' was corrected in our national life by our sense of humour
+and self-criticism." How true and how necessary! It is indeed surprising
+to me that no one has said it before. Why should we dwell on the
+greatness of our sea-power and proclaim our resolve not to be slaves? I
+have always understood, in spite of the view of Sir HENRY NEWBOLT, that
+DRAKE was nothing more than a buccaneer. The public utterance of such
+sentiments is surely prejudicial to "moral uplift," and, in the
+memorable words of _Mr. Pecksniff_, is "Pagan, I regret to say."
+
+It seems to me that the time has now come when, in the interests of
+reticence and humanity, a serious attempt should be made to revise our
+so-called patriotic songs, and, though fully conscious of my own
+literary shortcomings, I cannot refrain from suggesting, by the
+following examples, the lines on which such revision might be profitably
+carried out. For instance, the refrain of "Rule, Britannia!" would be
+shorn of its thrasonical quality and rendered suitable for use in
+elementary schools if it took the following form:--
+
+  "Curb, Britannia, Britannia curb thy pride;
+  True Britons never, never, never PUT ON SIDE."
+
+Another song which clamours for drastic revision is "The British
+Grenadiers." I cannot help thinking that it would be greatly improved if
+it were remodelled thus:--
+
+  "Some talk of ALEXANDER, and some of HERCULES,
+  Of HECTOR and LYSANDER, and warriors such as these;
+  But infinitely greater than the stroke of any sword
+  Is the pow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow of WILSON and of FORD."
+
+There are many other standard songs and poems which could be dealt with
+in similar salutary fashion, but I am content to leave the task to
+others, and will content myself with the following original lines,
+which, whatever may be said of their form, have, at any rate, the root
+of the matter in them:--
+
+  "The men who made our Empire great
+    Have long ago received their meed;
+  Then why the tale reiterate?
+    Self-criticism now we need.
+
+  Then, O my brethren, lest you stumble
+    Look carefully before you leap;
+  Be modest, moderate and 'umble--
+    Like the immortal Mr. Heep."
+
+Once more and in conclusion:--
+
+  "Let us be humorous, but never swankful--
+    Swank mars the finer fibres of the soul--
+  For what we have achieved devoutly thankful,
+    But disinclined our prowess to extol;
+  And, when our foemen bang the drum and bump it,
+    In silence be our disapproval shown;
+  'Tis nobler far to blow another's trumpet
+    Than to perform fantasias on your own."
+
+I am, dear Mr. Punch,
+
+Yours earnestly,
+
+CHADLEY BANDMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor_ (_to would-be recruit, whipper-in to the
+Blankshires_). "Sorry I can't pass you, my man. You've got an enlarged
+heart."
+
+_Recruit._ "Squire always says as you couldn't have too big an 'eart to
+ride over a country on war-time 'osses."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR EXPERTS.
+
+    "There are still three gaps in the trunk line through Asia Minor
+    to Baghdad, but these will be filled in during the course of
+    next year, and unless we can reach the city before the Germans,
+    they will certainly reach it before us."
+
+    _Truth_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One of Mr. Copeland's ancestors, Sir John Copeland, who
+    captured David, King of Scotland, with 40,000 troops at the
+    battle of Neville's Cross, after lodging the latter in Carlisle
+    Castle, proceeded to France, to report the event to the King,
+    who knighted him at Calais and conferred on him the Barony of
+    Kendal."--_Carlisle Journal._
+
+In these days he would have been fined for overcrowding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE.
+
+Once upon a time a rash man, wishing who knows for what?--possibly a
+peerage, possibly to be relieved of superfluous cash and so no longer
+have to pay super-tax, possibly for the mere joy of pulling
+wires--decided to start a newspaper.
+
+After much consultation the plans were complete in every particular save
+one. The premises were taken, the staff appointed, the paper, ink and so
+forth contracted for, the office girls and lift girls were engaged, the
+usual gifted and briefless barrister was installed as editor, and the
+necessary Cabinet Minister willing to reveal secrets was obtained.
+Everything, in short, that a successful newspaper at the present time
+could possibly require was ready, when it was suddenly remembered that
+no provision had been made for a daily supply of pictures. A popular
+paper without pictures being such a crazy anomaly, a pictorial editor
+was instantly advertised for.
+
+"Well," said the editor to the applicant for the post, "give me an idea
+of your originality and resource in the choice of topical photographs."
+
+"I think you can rely on me to be original," said the young man, "and
+not only original but revolutionary. I have thought about it all a lot,
+and I have made some discoveries. My notion is that the public wants to
+be 'in' all that is happening. Nothing's beneath their notice; their
+eyes want food to feast on all the time."
+
+"Go on," said the editor; "you interest me strangely."
+
+"The function of the camera, as I conceive it," the young man explained,
+"is to serve as the handmaid of the fountain-pen. Together they are
+terrific--a combination beyond resistance. That perhaps is the chief of
+the inspirations which much pondering has brought me. One must always be
+fortifying the other. People not only want to read of a thing, they come
+to see it, and very rightly. Here is an example. We are gradually
+getting shorter and shorter of messengers, so much so that many
+shopkeepers no longer are able to send purchases home. That means that
+people must carry them themselves. Now what more interesting, valuable
+or timely picture could you have than a photograph of a customer
+carrying, say, a loaf of bread--a picture of the unfortunate victim of
+the KAISER in the very act of having to do something for himself? How
+that brings it home to us!"
+
+"By Jove, yes," said the editor, deeply impressed.
+
+"I could arrange for someone to be taken just leaving the shop," the
+applicant went on; "and I would put underneath something about the
+straits to which the War has brought shoppers."
+
+"Capital!" said the editor. "Go on."
+
+"Then I have noticed," said the youth, "that people are interested in
+photographs of musical-comedy and revue actresses."
+
+"I believe you may be right," the editor remarked pensively.
+
+"So I would arrange for a steady series of these ladies, which not only
+would delight the public but might be profitable to the advertisement
+revenue of the paper if properly managed; for I should state what plays
+they were in, and where."
+
+"A great idea," said the editor.
+
+"But I should not," the young man continued, "merely give that
+information beneath. I should add something topical, such as 'who has
+just received an admiring letter from a stranger at the Front'; 'who
+spends her spare time knitting for our brave lads'; 'whose latest song
+is whistled in trench and camp'; 'who confesses to a great admiration
+for Khaki,' and so on. In this way you get a War interest, and every one
+is the better for looking at some pictures. Nothing is so elevating as
+the constant spectacle of young women with insufficient noses."
+
+"Marvellous!" exclaimed the editor. "But what of the War itself?"
+
+"Ah, yes, I was coming to that," the young man went on. "I have a strong
+conviction--I may be wrong, but I think not--that war-pictures are
+popular, and I have noticed that one soldier astonishingly resembles
+another. This is a priceless discovery, as I will show. I would
+therefore get all the groups of soldiers that I could take in open
+country wherever it was most convenient to my operator, and I would
+label them according to recent events. For example, I would call one
+group--and understand that they would all have non-committal
+backgrounds--'A wayside chat near Salonica'; another, 'A Tommy narrating
+the story of his escape from a Jack Johnson'; a third, 'A hurried lunch
+somewhere in France'; a fourth, 'How the new group of Lord DERBY'S men
+will look after a few weeks'; a fifth, 'Our brave lads leaving Flanders
+on short leave'; and so on."
+
+"But you are a genius!" exclaimed the editor, surprised into enthusiasm.
+
+"As for the rest of the pictures," said the applicant, "I have perhaps
+peculiar views, but I hold that they ought to be photographs of Members
+of Parliament walking to or from the House of Commons, a profoundly
+interesting phase of modern life too little touched upon; photographs of
+the _fianc�es_ of soldiers, of whom it does not matter if no one had
+ever heard before, engagements being of the highest importance,
+especially at a time when marriage is a state duty. So much for the
+staple of the picture-page, which I trust you do not consider too
+daring."
+
+"Daring, perhaps," said the editor, "but not excessively so, and one
+must be both nowadays. One must innovate."
+
+"And then," pursued the youth, "for padding--though padding of course
+only to the experts, not to the great hungry asinine public--anything
+can be rendered serviceable provided that the words beneath are adroit
+enough. Thus, a view of Westminster Abbey would be 'The architectural
+jewel of England which the Zeppelins have in vain tried to bomb'; a view
+of Victoria Station, 'The terminus at which every day and night,
+thousands of homing Tommies are welcomed'; any picture of a dog or cat
+or canary or parrot would bear a legend to the effect that all our brave
+lads love pets and are never so happy as when accompanied by a favourite
+animal; while any maritime scene would be certainly related to a recent
+submarine outrage, the Almighty in His infinite wisdom and prevision
+having made all expanses of ocean look alike."
+
+"You are certainly," said the editor, "a very original and enterprising
+young man and I have great pleasure in engaging you to enrich our
+sheet."
+
+But when the paper came out the picture page was found to differ in no
+single respect from the other picture pages in the other dailies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY REPRISALS.
+
+Nearly three years ago Mr. E. C. BENTLEY wrote an excellent detective
+story called _Trent's Last Case_. We now see amongst the latest literary
+announcements, _Bentley's Conscience_, by PAUL TRENT.
+
+This retaliation prepares us for a whole series of recriminatory works
+of fiction. Among those shortly to be expected are the following:--
+
+_The Delusions of Doyle_, by ANTHONY HOPE, and _Hope's Hallucinations_,
+by CONAN DOYLE.
+
+_Hewlett's Downfall_, by G. K. CHESTERTON, and _Chesterton's
+Catastrophe_, by MAURICE HEWLETT.
+
+_The Curse of Cain_, by MARIE CORELLI, and _Marie the Malevolent_, by
+HALL CAINE.
+
+_Dexter Street_, by COMPTON MACKENZIE, and _The Meanderings of
+MacKenzie_, by G. S. STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD-FASHIONED PLAYGOER VISITS A MODERN REVUE.
+
+[Illustration: "Aha! Best seat in the house. Third row of stalls--next
+to gangway. I'm going to enjoy myself."
+
+Act I. Scene I.
+
+Scene II.
+
+Scene III.
+
+Act II. Scene I.
+
+"I say--do you think you could change my stall for a quiet chair on the
+stage?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Clubwoman._ "I noticed you talking to that old
+bore. Did she get on to her ailments?"
+
+_Second Clubwoman._ "Yes. You might almost call it an organ recital."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF HEADS.
+
+After nine o'clock parade on that memorable morning the Sergeant-Major
+spoke to this effect: Though he, the Sergeant-Major, was new to the
+unit, he could and would make it plain that It Would Not Do. Had he
+taken up his duties in a dashed glee club or in a blanked choral
+society, he wanted to know? Though he had tried hard not to, he had been
+forced to admit that It was d----d disgraceful. He had never, he
+reflected aloud, seen anything like it during an active army existence
+that had provided many shocking sights. And he opined that there would
+be fatigues and C.B.s and court-martials and shootings-at-dawn if It
+continued. He was good, even for a Sergeant-Major.
+
+The trouble was the hairs of the heads of the unit. And though he had
+rightly got the unit by the hairs which should have been short we felt
+it to be exceeding the limit on his part to refer to us as blanked
+musicians. Moreover, the band were most annoyed about it.
+
+The Sergeant-Major paused to reflect, and to arrange matters with what
+he imagined was a sense of justice.
+
+Though, he continued bitterly, we _were_ more like a Spillikins Circle
+than an Army unit, he would, from sheer native kindness of heart, save
+us the imminent gibbet or the burial by a trench-digging party which
+awaited us. He would merely illustrate our manifold faults by taking the
+case of No. 3 in the rear rank.
+
+"Please, Sir----" This from the outraged No. 3.
+
+Silence must be observed. There was no excuse for the state of No. 3's
+hair. Here in camp (coldly), though we _were_ five miles from a town, we
+had a barber, and by all report, though he had been there but two days,
+an excellent barber. No. 3, rear rank, did not appear to know this.
+
+"Sir----"
+
+Silence in the ranks. Not only was the living presence of a most
+valuable functionary stultified by No. 3, but he, like all his slack
+kind, must babble on parade. He, the S.-M., would do all the talking
+necessary. But even if No. 3 thought he _was_ back in his local Debating
+Society even then he need not wear his hair long. The others might look
+at him to see what an unclipped man could come to, and afterwards show
+him the Barber's Tent.
+
+A ripple went along the ranks, and No. 3's arms shot up despairingly.
+
+There need be no demonstration, and No. 3 should remember that he was on
+parade and furthermore was standing at attention. He had had no orders
+to practise semaphore signalling.
+
+Well, perhaps (grudgingly) he had now given the unit some faint inkling
+of his feelings on the matter. If at any time in the future a long hair
+was found on a man in his unit, etc., etc. (eleven minutes).
+
+He would now condescend to hear any excuse that No. 3, rear rank, had to
+offer, so that he would be able to remark upon its utter worthlessness.
+Now, No. 3.
+
+"Please, Sir," viciously, "I'm the barber."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "For fifteen years, he [Sir William Osler] said, the slowly
+    evolving, sprightly race of boys should dwell in a Garden of
+    Eden, such as that depicted by the poet.
+
+    During this decisive period a boy was an irresponsible, yet
+    responsible creature, a mental and moral comedian taking the
+    colour of his environment."--_Daily Mirror._
+
+We fancy that Sir WILLIAM really said "chameleon," but most
+schoolmasters will think that the other word is just as good.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CRACK OF DOOM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+[Illustration: _Paddy._ "I'll not have conscription."
+
+_Premier._ "That's all right. You're left out of it."
+
+_Paddy._ "Is it lave me out of it? Another injustice to th' ould
+Counthry!"]
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday, January 4th._--This is the PERTINACIOUS
+PRINGLE'S day. True it is also, to a certain extent, the Empire's. A
+Session opening in 1914 has entered upon a third year. After briefest
+Christmas recess Members called back to work. They come in numbers that
+crowd benches on both sides. Atmosphere electrical with that sense of
+great happenings that upon occasion possesses it. Understood that
+Cabinet have resolved to recommend adoption of principle of compulsory
+military service. Rumours abroad of consequent resignations from
+Cabinet. To-morrow PRIME MINISTER will deal with these matters.
+Sufficient for to-day is urgent business of amending Munitions of War
+Bill in order to meet Labour objections.
+
+In such grave circumstances reasonable to expect that private Members,
+howsoever fussy by nature, would restrain themselves and permit public
+business to go forward. Member for North-West Lanarkshire does not take
+that view of his duty. Here is a day on which eyes of nation are with
+exceptional intensity and anxiety fixed on House of Commons. What an
+opportunity for PRINGLE-prangling! So at it he went, kept it up not
+only, through Question Hour but, by interruptions of MINISTER OF
+MUNITIONS when speaking during successive stages of Amending Bill, by
+questions in Committee, by acrimonious speeches on Report Stage and
+Third Reading, he hushed HOGGE, snowed-up SNOWDEN, ousted OUTHWAITE, and
+dammed the flow of DALZIEL'S discourse.
+
+In spite of this, which, in addition to major objections, wasted
+something like two hours, work got through a little before ten o'clock.
+
+_Business done._--Munitions Amendment Bill, recommitted for insertion of
+now clause, passed through remaining stages. Read a third time amidst
+general cheers.
+
+[Illustration: THE PERTINACIOUS PRINGLE.]
+
+_Wednesday._--When shortly after three o'clock this afternoon the PRIME
+MINISTER asked leave to introduce Bill delicately described as designed
+"to make provision with respect to military service in connection with
+the present War" he was greeted by hearty cheer from audience that
+packed the Chamber from floor to topmost row of benches in Strangers'
+Gallery. Members who had not reserved a seat filled the side Galleries
+and overflowed in a group thronging the Bar.
+
+Since the War began we have from time to time had crowded Houses
+awaiting momentous announcement from PREMIER. A distinction of to-day's
+gathering is the considerable proportion of Members in khaki. The whip
+summoning attendance had sounded as far as the trenches in Flanders,
+bringing home numbers more than sufficient to "make a House" of
+themselves. Among them was General SEELY, who contributed to debate one
+of its most effective speeches. He met with friendly reception even from
+that part of the House not similarly disposed when he was accustomed to
+address it from Treasury Bench.
+
+The EX-HOME SECRETARY, rising to state the conscientious reasons that
+compelled the sacrifice of high Ministerial office, also had warm
+reception from all the Benches. General regret that he will, for the
+present at least, resume the status of private Member after a
+Ministerial career as brilliant as it was brief.
+
+_Business done._--Bill requiring military service for unattested single
+men and childless widowers of military age introduced by PRIME MINISTER.
+Blandly explained that it is not necessarily compulsory. If this class
+of citizen who has hitherto held back now likes to come forward and
+enlist he may do so under the Group system, which will be reopened for
+that purpose. What could be more thoughtful--or obliging?
+
+_Thursday._--By comparison with yesterday's crowded attendance and
+buzzing excitement, through greater part of to-day's sitting Benches
+only moderately full, and general conditions otherwise normal. Members
+who objected to carrying debate over second day felt themselves
+justified. Two speeches made it worth while to extend debate--one
+delivered from below Gangway by LONG JOHN WARD of Stoke-on-Trent, now a
+full-blown Colonel. Hurried over from the Front to defend and vote for
+Compulsion Bill, although heretofore a strong opponent of conscription.
+Animated manly speech, much cheered from all quarters.
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR, who, moving from modest place habitually occupied towards
+lower end of Treasury Bench, seated himself next the PREMIER, thence
+shortly after ten o'clock rose and delivered a speech which recalled his
+greatest triumphs achieved in former days when in different
+circumstances he stood by same historic brass-bound box which DIZZY in
+his day clutched and GLADSTONE thumped.
+
+As he resumed his seat amidst storm of cheering, SPEAKER put the
+Question for leave to introduce the Bill. A mighty shout of "Ay!"
+responded, answered by futile cry of "No!"
+
+"Agreed! agreed!" cried the peace-makers. But the minority were out for
+a division and insisted on taking it. Resulted in leave being given by
+majority of four to one, a conclusion hailed with renewed outburst of
+cheering.
+
+_Business done._--Leave given by 403 votes against 105. PRIME MINISTER
+brought in Military Service Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+"Want to do your bit, my lad?"
+
+"Of c-c-c-c-c-c-c-course I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do."
+
+"Then take my advice and join the machine-gun section."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The holder of an Exchequer Bond for �100 will receive �100 on
+    December 1st, 1910, and will in the meantime receive �5 per
+    annum in interest."--_Evening Paper._
+
+The new security seems to have a brilliant future behind it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The bride, who was given away by her father, wore a dress of
+    pale bridegroom. She was attended by the hat, and carried a
+    bouquet, the gift of the pink taffeta silk and a large dark blue
+    bridegroom's two little nieces."
+
+    _Kentish Mercury._
+
+What colour was the bridegroom?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The last paragraph in Mr. A. F. Dunnett's letter, appearing in
+    our issue of the 14th inst., contained an obvious error.
+    'Nathan's vineyard' should, of course, have been 'Nabob's
+    vineyard.'"
+
+    _Daily Gleaner (Kingston, Jamaica)._
+
+Of course--where the pickles grow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sergeant Capes saw the fowls in a crater on Castle-hill. On the
+    crater being opened two of them were almost dead, and others
+    were exhausted, and could scarcely stand."
+
+    _Nottingham Evening Post._
+
+No doubt overcome by the gas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tradesman._ "Are you insuring against Zeppelins for the
+New Year?"
+
+_Householder._ "Well, I'm thinking of it, as I remember reading in the
+last raid how they dropped seventeen bombs in one area. I wonder they
+don't get hit, standing still all that time in the air."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SORROWFUL SNIPER.
+
+  I'm un'appy, so I am. Don't enjoy me beef nor jam,
+    An' I'm grumpy an' as 'umpy as a camel.
+  Bin an' stopped my leave? Oh no! _That_ was fixed up long ago;
+  But the trouble is, I've got it, an' I feel afeared to go,
+    An' it's all alonger tin o' green enamel.
+
+  Fancy spendin' New Year's Eve, when you oughter be on leave,
+    In a dugout where the damp is slowly tricklin',
+  All alonger tin o' green an' a sniper lank an' lean
+  'Oo was swearin' an' a-strafin' an' a-snipin' in between,
+    Till the Sergeant told me off to stop 'is ticklin'.
+
+  So I trimmed meself with straw, an' a grass an' hay coffyure,
+    An' I clothed meself with faggots that a pal 'ad;
+  Then the Sergeant got a brush an' some green an' sticky slush,
+  An' 'e plastered me all over till I couldn't raise a blush,
+    And I looked jest like a vegetable salad.
+
+  Then I crept out in the night, an' I waited for the light,
+    But the sniper saw me fust an' scored an inner.
+  I could 'ear the twigs divide, but I signalled 'im a "wide,"
+  Then I squinted down me barrel, an' I let me finger glide,
+    An' I pipped 'im where 'e uster put 'is dinner.
+
+  Yus, I busted up the Bosch, but I found out, at the wash,
+    That enamel was a fast an' lastin' colour,
+  An' the soap I used to clean made me shine a brighter green;
+  I'm a cabbage, I'm a lettuce, I'm a walkin' kidney bean,
+    An' I ain't a-leavin' Flanders till it's duller.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD NEWS FOR TAXPAYERS.
+
+    "Income-tax can be paid in the case of individuals and firms who
+    are liable to direct assessment in respect of trade, profession,
+    or husbandry, in two halfpenny instalments--the first on January
+    1, and the second on July 1."--_Glasgow Evening Times._
+
+Lucky Scots, to get off with twa bawbees!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an advertisement;--
+
+    "----'s Mustard Digests the Dish."
+
+And so saves washing-up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Strive to acquire now ideas. Vary the hour of rising. If you
+    take luncheon out never go always to the same place."--_Daily
+    Mail._
+
+We seldom go always to the "Blue Lion," and usually never by the same
+way every time, for fear of hardly ever being unable to get out of the
+habit of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_The Westminster Gazette_," writes a correspondent from Venice, "has
+always been regarded by the Italian Press as the most insular of English
+newspapers." Still we think that _La Difesa_, of which he encloses an
+extract, goes too far in referring to our esteemed contemporary as _La
+West-Monstergazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"The Basker."
+
+[Illustration: Miss Hilda Moore as _Mrs. Radford_.]
+
+I imagine _The Basker_ to be designed by "CLIFFORD MILLS" as a Tract
+against Dukes. And certainly her _Duke of Cheviot_ is a miracle of
+obtuseness, who, if he had not been made a hero by his valet (an
+original and happy creation), would have grievously belied the proud old
+family motto, "_Je me sauvegarde_." _George de Lacorfe_, fashionable,
+_fain�ant_ and forty, reader of _The Pink 'Un_, ardent bachelor,
+_Basker_ in short, suddenly finds the dukedom of Cheviot thrust upon
+him. Quite unlike his egregious ancestors, who went out and biffed their
+enemies in the gate, especially the _Gorndykes_, who were an unpleasant
+shifty kind of raiders, _George_ proposes to resign all the Cheviot
+places, emoluments and responsibilities to his cousin and heir, _Richard
+de Lacorfe_, on the day the said _Richard_ shall marry. Now _Richard_ is
+a _de Lacorfe_ with the hereditary _Gorndyke_ blood and nose acquired on
+the distaff side. This conspicuous organ inflames the anger of
+_George's_ grandmother, the dowager, steeped as she is in the history
+and prejudices of the family, while other members of the august circle
+harbour unkind thoughts about their kinsman.
+
+And well they might. If anyone had "wrong 'un" written all over him it
+was _Richard_. Indeed his Roman nose was the straightest part of him.
+The guileless _George_ who, though (or because) his grandmother
+presented him every birthday after his majority with a copy of _The
+History of the de Lacorfes_, knew and cared nothing about their glorious
+and stormy past, didn't suspect the _Gorndyke_ rat in the _de Lacorfe_
+granary. Spendthrift _Richard_, who is always getting urgent blue
+envelopes from _Samuel & Samuel_, is bent on marrying for money the very
+_Diana_ that _George_ loves for her blue hyacinth eyes. There is a
+misunderstanding between _George_ and _Diana_ (of such a childlike
+ingenuousness as to suggest that really this too easy spot-stroke should
+be barred to playwrights), and the idiotic girl promptly engages herself
+to _Richard_, who is of course in love with a patently naughty married
+woman. The most reckless of lovers from the moment when in his ardour he
+(apparently) bites this lady's hand in the First Act, in full view of
+the family, till he plans a flirtation by the Cheviot postern gate on
+the very eve of his marriage to _Diana_, he is an obviously doomed
+villain. The lady is surprised by _George_ in the act of knocking thrice
+on the said postern within. When three knocks are heard without together
+with the voice of _Richard_, the _Duke_ really begins to suspect
+something. Virtuous imbecility prevails over villainous stupidity. The
+final blow is dealt upon the _Gorndyke_ nose. _Diana_ is retrieved by
+this last of the safe-guarders, and we are left to a melancholy
+calculation as to what the mental capacity of their issue is likely to
+be.
+
+[Illustration: THE SOUL'S AWAKENING.
+
+_Nalet_, the valet (Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE), having been dismissed for
+not calling _George de Lacorfe_ (Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER) in the morning,
+makes good by waking his master's soul up at one o'clock at night.]
+
+A good deal of spontaneous and honest laughter, the best of
+testimonials, greeted this rather ingenuous extravaganza. I think Mrs.
+CLIFFORD MILLS would do well not to prolong her mystifications beyond
+the point when they are quite clear to her audience. May I without
+boastfulness record that I guessed all about what _Richard_ was going to
+do with the tiara quite three minutes before a well-known editor in
+front of me gave away the secret in a hoarse whisper to his neighbour?
+And that was some time before the author had finished the "preparation"
+of the business. And may I ask why _Richard_ was forced to so fatuous a
+contrivance as the pawning of the tiara to make the exigent _Samuels_
+stay their hands for a week? True he couldn't tell them about the
+Cheviot deal, which was a secret between himself and _George_; but he
+could surely have used the fact of his coming marriage with _Diana's_
+money? And why didn't _Diana_ write to her mother and ask her what was
+the solemn warning about _Richard_ that she had on the tip of her tongue
+when she was interrupted just before going abroad? There _is_ a mail to
+Singapore, isn't there? And does a _George_, succeeding to a dukedom,
+become "_Cheviot_" to his sister?
+
+Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER was at his excellent best in the lighter moods of
+the _Basker_. But I did not like to see him in pain (especially as it
+all seemed so unnecessary). Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE, in the really
+engaging part of the _Duke's_ valet, who learned to think for himself
+and read to such excellent effect the history so carelessly neglected by
+his master, was quite admirable. But then he always is. Mr. NORMAN
+FORBES had little to exercise his powers in a churchwarden version of
+the stage-parson with a tiresome wife. Miss HILDA MOORE looked
+charmingly wicked and acted with intelligence. The too serious _r�le_
+tossed lightly by the author into the broadest farce presents an
+impossible problem. Miss ELLEN O'MALLEY never mishandles a part.
+Sometimes, as here, a part is not too kind to her. As _George's_ sister
+she could be no more than a competent peg. Miss MARIE HEMINGWAY had
+merely to look perplexed and pretty, which she did with complete
+success. Everyone was frankly delighted to welcome back to the stage
+that great artist Miss GENEVIEVE WARD as the _Dowager Duchess_. She had
+the sort of reception that is only accorded to favourites of much more
+than common merit. And she played with decision, humour and resource.
+Sir GEORGE made a happy and generous little speech about her. The author
+was called to receive the felicitations of a gratified house.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Grand Concert is to be given at the Kingsway Hall by the Independent
+Music Club, on January 18th, at 2.30, in aid of Mr. C. ARTHUR PEARSON'S
+Fund for Blinded Soldiers and Sailors. The Independent Music Club, which
+has been of invaluable assistance to musicians suffering from the War,
+proposes to entertain at least five hundred Wounded Soldiers at this
+Concert.
+
+Five shillings will provide ticket, transport and tea for one Wounded
+Soldier. Gifts for this purpose and for the object of helping our
+Blinded Soldiers and Sailors will be very gratefully acknowledged by the
+Treasurer, Independent Music Club, 13, Pembroke Gardens, Kensington, W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The net proceeds of a "Special Night" at the National Sporting Club on
+Monday, January 17th, commencing at 8 P.M., are to be given to the
+Wounded Allies Relief Fund.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPEN SECRETS.
+
+(_Inspired by the sight, anywhere in France, of the notice:
+"Taisez-vous! M�fiez-vous! Les ennemies oreilles vous ecoutent!_")
+
+  There is something in the air,
+          Dinna doot!
+  We shall shortly see some _guerre_
+          Hereaboot.
+    Yes, we're going to make a rush,
+    Starting Tuesday next at--Hush!
+          _Pourquoi?_
+  _Les ennemies oreilles nous �coutent!_
+
+  We have got some special guns
+          For to shoot,
+  And to make the fleshy Huns
+          Up and scoot.
+    Would you care to hear the list?
+    There's a grandmamma at--Hist!
+          _Silence!_
+  _Les ennemies oreilles nous �coutent!_
+
+  It is more than patent to
+          The astute
+  That a very big to-do
+          Is _en route_.
+    There's a million men, I'm told,
+    Sailing round to land at--Hold!
+          _Doucement!_
+  _Les ennemies oreilles nous �coutent!_
+
+  Tho' to you, my simple friend,
+          It is moot
+  When the War is going to end
+          (_Dat vas goot!_)
+    _I_ could say exactly when
+    Peace will be declared. But then,
+          _H�las!_
+  _Les ennemies oreilles nous �coutent!_
+
+  I should be the very last
+          To dispute
+  That remarks, too freely passed,
+          Come as loot
+    To those wicked people, spies;
+    Yet what lots and lots of lies
+          (_Mon Dieu!_)
+  _Les ennemies oreilles en �coutent!_
+
+Henry (Watch Dog).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fickle Young Thing_ (_revisiting Tattooist_.) "Er--do
+you think you could possibly alter this badge on my arm? You see,
+I've--er--exchanged into another regiment."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of KING FERDINAND'S address to the Sobranje:--
+
+    "The speech then exalts over victories won, and generally is
+    couched in a rather orid strain."--_Cork Constitution._
+
+Like everything else that FERDY does.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New Ideas for War Weddings.
+
+    "The bride looked extremely well in a gown of ivory
+    crepe-de-chene, trimmed with filet lace and ivory aeroplane. Her
+    hat was of gathered aeroplane, adorned with real ospreys."
+
+    _Times of Ceylon._
+
+    "The ceremony and congratulations being of smilax and pom
+    pom'mums."
+
+    _Wiarton Echo (Canada)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The public simply hand in the order and cash to any
+    tobacconist, with the name of the man to whom the cigarettes are
+    to be sent, and the welcome gift will reach Tommy in time for
+    Christmas."
+
+    _Advt. in Morning Paper, Dec. 31st, 1915._
+
+Unless, as we all hope, Tommy is at home again before that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Crisis Averted.
+
+    "Our London Correspondent says that he has offered to resign,
+    but the Prime Minister refused to accept his resignation."
+
+    _Cork Examiner._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY BIRTHDAY.
+
+"My birthday," I said, "is setting in with its usual severity."
+
+"What," said Francesca, "has driven you to this terrible conclusion?"
+
+"Little signs; straws showing how the wind blows."
+
+"I wonder," she said, "how that came to be a proverb. Personally I don't
+keep packets of straws to test the wind by, and I never met anybody else
+who did. Handkerchiefs are much more certain, and men's hats are best of
+all."
+
+"Yes," I said, "when I see my hat starting full tilt on an excursion I
+always know which way the wind is blowing right enough. Tell me,
+Francesca, why does a man's hat, when it's blown off, always bring up in
+a puddle?"
+
+"And get run over by a butcher's cart?"
+
+"And why does everybody laugh at the hat's owner?"
+
+"And why does the boy who brings it back to you expect payment for the
+miserable and useless object?"
+
+"And where," I said, "does the owner disappear to afterwards? You never
+see a man with a hat on his head that's been run over--no, I mean, with
+a hat that's been run over on his head--no, no, I mean, with a hat
+that's been run over off his head--Francesca, I give it up; I shall
+never get that sentence right, but you know what I mean. Anyhow I will
+put the dreadful vision by. What was I talking about when this hat
+calamity broke in?"
+
+"You had made," said Francesca, "a cold and distant allusion to your
+birthday. It's coming to-morrow."
+
+"Well," I said, "it can come if it likes, but I shall refuse to receive
+it. I don't want it. I'm quite old enough without it. At my age people
+don't have birthdays. They just go on living, and other people say how
+wonderful they are for their years, and they must be sixty if they're a
+day, but nobody would think so, and----"
+
+"And that it's all due to early rising and regular habits."
+
+"And smoking and partial abstemiousness."
+
+"And general good conduct. But you can have all that sort of praise and
+yet celebrate your birthday."
+
+"But I tell you I won't have my birthday celebrated. Those are my
+orders."
+
+"Orders?" she said. "People don't give orders about absurdities like
+that."
+
+"Yes," I said, "they do; but their orders are not obeyed. There's
+Frederick, for instance. He's only eight, I know, but he's got something
+up his sleeve. He asked me yesterday if I could lend him threepence, and
+did I think that a small notebook with a pencil would be a nice present
+for a sort of uncle on his birthday--not a father, mind you, but an
+uncle. There's a Machiavelli for you."
+
+"And what did you say?"
+
+"I told him I had never met an uncle who didn't adore notebooks, but
+that few fathers really appreciated them; and then he countered me. He
+said he had noticed that many fathers were uncles too."
+
+"That child," said Francesca, "will be a Lord Chancellor. He'd look
+splendid on a woolsack."
+
+"Yes, later on. At present his legs would dangle a bit, wouldn't they?"
+
+"They're very-well-shaped legs, anyhow. Any Lord Chancellor would be
+proud to possess them."
+
+"To resume," I said, "about the birthday. There's Alice too. She's
+engaged on some nefarious scheme with a paint-box and a sheet of paper.
+It's directed at me, I know, because, whenever I approach her, things
+have to be hustled away or covered up. However, it's all useless. My
+mind's made up. I will _not_ have a birthday."
+
+"You can't prevent it, you know."
+
+"Yes, I can," I said. "It's mine, and if I decide not to have it nobody
+can make me."
+
+"But isn't that rather selfish?"
+
+"It can't be selfish of me to deprive myself of a birthday."
+
+"But you're depriving the children of it, and that's worse than selfish.
+It's positively heartless."
+
+"Very well, then, I'm heartless. At any rate my orders are that there
+shall be no birthday; and don't you forget it, or, rather, forget it as
+hard as ever you can."
+
+"I can't hold out the least prospect that your suggestion will meet with
+favourable consideration."
+
+The birthday duly arrived, and I went down to breakfast. As I entered
+the room a shout of applause broke from the already assembled family.
+"Look at your place," said Frederick. I did, and beheld on the table a
+collection of unaccustomed articles. There was a box of chocolates from
+Muriel and Nina; there was a note-book with an appropriate pencil.
+"That," said Frederick, "is for Cousin Herbert's uncle. Ha, ha!" And
+there was, from Alice, a painted Calendar fit to hang on any wall. It
+represents a Tartar nobleman haughtily walking in a green meadow, with a
+background of snow-capped mountains. He has a long pig-tail and a black
+velvet cap with a puce knob. His trousers are blue striped with purple.
+He has a long blue cloak decorated with red figures, and his carmine
+train is borne by a juvenile page dressed in a short orange-coloured
+robe. It is a very magnificent design, and on the back of it is
+written:--
+
+  "This is but a Birthday rhyme
+  Written in this dark War-time.
+  We can't afford to waste our ink,
+  And so I'll quickly stop, I think."
+
+Thus I was compelled to have a birthday after all.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LUCASTA, FROM THE WARS.
+
+  Perusing the epistles I devotedly indite
+  You long, I know, Lucasta dear, to see me as I write;
+  Your fancy paints my portrait framed in hectic scenes of war--
+  I'll try to show you briefly what my circumstances are.
+
+  Your swain is now a troglodyte; as in a dungeon deep
+  He who so worshipped stars and you must write and eat and sleep;
+  Like some swart djinnee of the mine your sunshine-loving slave
+  Builds airy castles, meet for two, 'neath candles in a cave.
+
+  Above, the sky is very grey, the world is very damp,
+  His light the sun denies by day, the moon by night her lamp;
+  Across the landscape soaked and sad the dull guns answer back,
+  And through the twilight's futile hush spasmodic rifles crack.
+
+  The papers haven't come to-day to show how England feels;
+  The hours go lame and languidly between our Spartan meals;
+  We've written letters till we're tired, with not a thing to tell
+  Except that nothing's doing, weather beastly, writer well.
+
+  So when you feel for us out here--as well I know you will--
+  Then sympathise with thousands for their country sitting still;
+  Don't picture battle-pieces by the lurid Press adored,
+  But miles and miles of Britishers, in burrows, badly bored!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WAR ECONOMY.
+
+_Mistress (to chauffeur, who is crawling down-hill)._ "Why are you
+driving so slowly?"
+
+_Chauffeur_ (_ex-coachman_). "Well, Ma'am, you told me to be as
+economical as possible these times, so I was puttin' the brake on to
+make the down-'ill last as long as possible."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_Narcissus_ (SECKER), by Miss VIOLA MEYNELL, is one of those books for
+which I cannot help feeling that my appreciation would have been keener
+two years ago than is possible to-day. It is the story of the growth to
+manhood of two brothers, _Victor_ and _Jimmy_, who live with their
+widowed mother in an outer suburb of London. That there is art, very
+subtle and delicate art, in the telling of it goes without saying. The
+characters of the brothers are realized with exquisite care. _Victor_,
+the elder, uncertain, violently sensitive and emotional, seeking always
+from life what he is never destined (at least so far as the present
+story carries him) to attain; _Jimmy_, placid, shallow, avoiding all
+emotion, attracting happiness like a magnet. Nothing, I repeat, could be
+better done in its kind than the pictures of these two, and of the not
+very interesting crowd of young persons among whom they move. But, for
+all its real beauty of style, I have to confess that the book left me
+cold, and even a little irritated. Perhaps we demand something more from
+our heroes these days than susceptibility, or indifference, to emotion.
+Was the purpose of life, one wonders, ever as delicately elusive as
+these bewildered young men seem to find it? I kept longing for Lord
+DERBY. Perhaps, again, this is but part of the cleverness of the writer,
+and Miss MEYNELL, like the child in the poem, only does it to annoy. But
+I hardly think so. Her tenderness and sympathy for _Victor_ especially
+are obvious. He, I take it, is _Narcissus_ (though _Narcissi_ would have
+been a truer title for the book, as each of the brothers is more in love
+with his own reflection than with anything else), and, since he is left
+unmarried at the close of the volume, I derived some quiet satisfaction
+from the thought that modified conscription might yet make a man of him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why will the heroes of historical fiction persist in that dangerous
+practice of leaving an angry and overmastered villain bound to a tree to
+await death or rescue? The result is rescue every time, and one way and
+another a mort of trouble for the good characters. Still it may be
+argued that if the protagonist of _The Fortunes of Garin_ (CONSTABLE)
+had not followed this risky precedent those fortunes would not have led
+him where they eventually did, and we should have missed one of the best
+costume novels of the year. Miss MARY JOHNSTON is among the very few
+waiters whom I can follow without weariness through the mazes of
+medi�valism. This tale of the adventures of a knight and a lady in the
+days when HENRY II. sat on the throne of England, and his son RICHARD
+princed it in Angoul�me, is told with an air that lifts it out of
+tushery into romance. She wields a picturesque and courtly style,
+sometimes indeed a trifle too charged with metaphor to be altogether
+manageable (as for example when she speaks of "pouring oil upon the red
+embers of a score unpaid"), but for the most part admirably pleasing to
+the ear. Her antique figures are alive; and the whole tale goes forward
+with a various and high-stepping movement and a glow of colour that
+reminded me of nothing more than that splendid pageant one follows round
+the walls of the Riccardi Palace in Florence. Of course the journey ends
+in lovers' meeting and the teaching of his place to the evil-minded. The
+fact that this latter was called _Jaufre_, a name that I would wish
+kindlier entreated, is almost my only complaint against a lively and
+entertaining story which more than once rises to real beauty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Given a plot of the conventional order I dare say it is best to make
+very little fuss or mystery about it. So, at any rate, "KATHARINE TYNAN"
+seems to think, for after about page 32 of her latest book, _Since First
+I Saw Your Face_ (HUTCHINSON), there is really almost no guessing left
+to do, the authoress seeming principally concerned to ensure a smooth
+passage for one's prophecies. Thus, while the unknown son of a secret
+marriage, happening by good luck to thrash the ostensible claimant to
+the title and heroine, gets that successful start in the early pages
+that is so necessary to his happiness in the last, and the lady never
+really looks like straying far into disconcerting opinions of her own,
+even the rival himself obliges us by throwing up the sponge just when
+the game should really begin. All this is soothing enough, but it is
+also very thin stuff; and the addition of a ghostly ancestress, who
+lures her descendants to midnight assignations by smiling at them out of
+a LELY painting, does not stiffen things much. The fact is that away
+from such a purely Irish subject as, say, "Countrymen All," Mrs. HINKSON
+really has not much to tell. Sweeney's New York Stores do not harmonise
+at all well with her atmosphere of wistful tragedy. The effect suggests
+a soap-bubble trying to cake-walk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  When cattle-ships put forth to sea
+    From Montreal across the Atlantic,
+  The life on board would not suit me,
+    Nor you, I think. The cattle frantic,
+  The tough steel plates beneath the might
+    Of crashing waters well-nigh riven--
+  Ugh! Here it is in black and white,
+    Clearly described by FREDERICK NIVEN.
+
+  Published by HEINEMANN (six bob),
+    The book relates the ceaseless battle
+  Which they must wage whose steady job
+    Is valeting a mob of cattle;
+  And yet they pant to get a ship,
+    For jobs the owners they importune
+  At--mark you this!--one pound the trip!
+    I wouldn't do it for a fortune.
+
+  It's just a tale of common men,
+    Who never went to school or college,
+  Writ by a skilled and practised pen
+    Most certainly from first-hand knowledge;
+  It has no very obvious plan,
+    No movement, no connected story;
+  And yet I don't see how you can
+    Fail to enjoy The _S.S. Glory_.
+
+  You'll meet some men you're sure to like--
+    Men who would greet you as a brother;
+  One is that honest fellow, _Mike_,
+    And _Cockney_, possibly, another;
+  Unpolished, quick to wrath and slow,
+    When roused, to lay aside their cholor,
+  Yet are they types you ought to know
+    As well as did the hero, _Scholar_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE UNINTERNED PERIL IN OUR MIDST.
+
+Portrait of Herr Pfunk ("Sister Susie"), who edits "Our Mites' Corner"
+in the well-known weekly, _Mum's Pets_, and also conducts a column of
+"Hints to Mothers," which is having an alarming effect on infant
+mortality.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In an eloquent foreword to _The Queen's Gift Book_, (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), we are told by Mr. GALSWORTHY that it is "in the nature of a
+hat passed round, into which, God send, many hundred thousand coins may
+be poured." The coin that we are asked to put into what I hope will be a
+very widely circulating hat is half-a-crown, and whatever you may or may
+not think of Gift Books I can promise you that in this instance to pay
+your money is to get its worth. It is true that some of the contributors
+have given us work that we have already had an opportunity to know; but
+even here I am not grumbling, for among the stories that have already
+been published is Mr. LEONARD MERRICK'S "The Fairy Poodle," a tale so
+full of sparkle that the oftener I see it the better I shall be pleased.
+All tastes, however, are catered for. You can read tales by Sir J. M.
+BARRIE or Mr. JOSEPH HOCKING, verses by Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, Mr. JOHN
+OXENHAM or Mrs. HENRY DE LA PASTURE, sketches by Mr. CONRAD or "SAPPER."
+But I advise you to read the lot. An especial word of praise is, I feel,
+due to Mr. JOHN BUCHAN for a tale humorous enough in its dry way to
+squeeze a smile from a mummy, and to the artists who have helped to make
+this Gift the success that it is. In short, the book is good, nearly as
+good as the object for which it has been published. "In aid," we read on
+the cover, "of Queen Mary's Convalescent Auxiliary Hospitals. For
+Soldiers and Sailors who have lost their limbs in the War." Here then,
+by helping to provide our maimed heroes with the best mechanical
+substitutes for the limbs which they have lost, is a chance for us to
+pay a little of the unpayable debt we owe to them. Mr. GALSWORTHY may
+rest assured that his appeal to "our honour in this matter" will not be
+made in vain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An extract from the Master of the TEMPLE'S sermon on "Muddling
+Through":--
+
+    "When we rejoiced at the efficiency of our Navy we too seldom
+    recollected that it was primarily due to a superbly effective
+    system of education built up by the efforts of a few great men
+    loyally supported by enthusiastic insubordinates."--_Morning
+    Paper._
+
+NELSON'S "blind eye" is not forgotten.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, January 12, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22672-8.txt or 22672-8.zip *****
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+  <title>Punch, January 12, 1916.</title>
+
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+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 12, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 12, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2007 [EBook #22672]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>January 12, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span>
+
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>There is much satisfaction in the
+German Army at the announcement
+that iron coins to the value of ten
+million marks are to be substituted for
+nickel and copper. It is now hoped
+that those Crosses may yet prove to be
+worth something.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A resident of Honor Oak writes to
+the papers to say that such was the
+patriotic anxiety of people in his
+neighbourhood to pay their taxes at
+the earliest possible moment that he
+found a long queue before the collector's
+door on January 3rd and had to wait
+an hour before his turn came. On
+reading his letter several West-end
+theatres patriotically offered the collector
+the loan of their "House Full"
+boards.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Prince <span class="sc">William of Wied</span>, the ex-ruler
+of Albania, is at present in Serbia,
+feverishly awaiting restoration to his
+former dignity. The situation is not
+very favourable, however, and his
+German advisers have warned him to
+curb his Mpretuosity.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>An American barque with a cargo of
+beans for Germany has been seized and
+unloaded by the Swedish authorities.
+A cruel fate seems to overtake every
+effort of the United States to give
+Germany these necessary commodities.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Among the suspicious articles discovered
+at the Bulgarian Consulate in
+Salonika was a large stock of red
+brassards. But the inference that they
+belonged to members of the British
+V.T.C., who were determined to fight
+for the enemy rather than not fight at
+all, is certainly premature.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Several inmates of the Swansea
+workhouse, having been told that
+margarine was to be served out instead
+of butter, returned their portions, only
+to discover that it was butter after all.
+As similar incidents have occurred in
+many other establishments it is suggested
+that margarine should in future
+be dyed scarlet or blue in order to
+prevent a repetition of these embarrassing
+contretemps.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">John Simon</span>, in the debate on the
+Compulsion Bill, said that the alleged
+650,000 slackers were arrived at "by
+subtracting two figures from one
+another." Everyone must agree with
+him that if that was the method employed
+the result would be "negligible."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In a tram-car in a Northern city, as
+the girl-conductor went round for fares,
+a "nut" tried to take a rise out of her
+by asking for a ticket to "Gallipoli."
+She charged him for the full length of
+the tram journey, and as soon as the
+tram arrived at a recruiting office she
+rang the bell and said, "You change
+here, Sir, for Gallipoli."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> thinks it very mean of
+the British Government to turn his
+Corfu palace into a hospital. His submarine
+commanders are now wondering
+how to shell the inmates without
+damaging their master's property.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Militant Suffragette who some
+years ago damaged the Velasquez
+Venus with an axe has just published
+a novel, of which the hero is a plumber
+who thought he was a poet. It ought to
+be called "The Burst Pipe," but isn't.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Women are now employed on some
+of the railways in the North. A
+traveller recently had two Tommies for
+fellow-passengers. They related that
+they had every week to take a long
+slow duty journey which was "the
+limit"; but lately it had taken on
+a different aspect, for "<i>now</i>," said
+Tommy, "when you get too bored you
+just hop out and kiss the porter."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Extract from a letter written to a
+loved one from the Front:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"I received your dear little note in a sandbag.
+You say that you hope the sandbag stops
+a bullet. Well, to tell the truth, I hope it
+don't, as I have been patching my trousers
+with it."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prince von Buelow</span>, who has been
+for some time in Switzerland, has
+obtained an increase in the number of
+his secretaries, of whom he now has a
+round dozen. Several of the poor
+fellows are suffering from writer's
+cramp through having to pen so many
+letters explaining that the Prince is at
+Lucerne purely for the sake of his
+health.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/021.png"><img width="100%" src="images/021.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Fiery Major</i> (<i>discussing delinquent Subaltern</i>). "<span class="sc">But
+there&mdash;what can you expect? He's only one of those temporary
+blighters</span>!"</p>
+<p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>sweetly</i>). "<span class="sc">But isn't that better than being a
+permanent blighter</span>?"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span>
+
+<h2>THE BATTLE OF THE PASS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note">["This Bill was 'selling the pass.'"&mdash;<i>Sir <span class="sc">William Byles</span>, in the
+House, on The Military Service Bill</i>.]</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"What though against our sacred front</p>
+<p class="i2">They muster, miles on miles,</p>
+<p>I am resolved to stick the brunt,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Said bold <span class="sc">Horatius Byles</span>;</p>
+<p>"For Liberty I'll take my stand,</p>
+<p class="i2">Just like a stout Berserk,</p>
+<p>And still defend with bloody brand</p>
+<p class="i2">Our glorious Right to Shirk.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"We've <span class="sc">Simon</span>, worth four columns' length;</p>
+<p class="i2">We've <span class="sc">Redmond</span>, doughty dog;</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Thomas</span> and those twin towers of strength,</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Pringle</span> and whole-souled <span class="sc">Hogge</span>;</p>
+<p>And <span class="sc">Outhwaite</span>&mdash;not our dearest foe,</p>
+<p class="i2">Bulgar or Bosch or Turk,</p>
+<p>Could wish to plant a ruder blow</p>
+<p class="i2">For Britain's Right to Shirk.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"And, lastly, should the Tyrant storm</p>
+<p class="i2">The pass for which we fight,</p>
+<p>It must be o'er the riddled form</p>
+<p class="i2">Of Me, the Champion Knight;</p>
+<p>Meanwhile, on caitiffs who would keep</p>
+<p class="i2">The pledge we bade them burke,</p>
+<p>My lusty battle-cry shall leap:&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">'God and our Right to Shirk!'"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The scrap was over. There he lay</p>
+<p class="i2">Prone on the reeking grass;</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Simon</span>," his faint lips strove to say,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Somebody's sold the pass!"</p>
+<p>"True," said the other; "I descry</p>
+<p class="i2">The <span class="sc">Northcliffe's</span> hand at work."</p>
+<p>"Farewell!" said <span class="sc">Byles</span>; "'tis sweet to die</p>
+<p class="i2">For Britain's Right to Shirk!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>O.S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WORLD WARFARE OF THE BRITISH FLEET.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><span class="sc">What it has done in 1915.</span></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote class="note">(<i>With acknowledgments to Mr. <span class="sc">Archibald Hurd</span> in "The
+Daily Telegraph.</i>")</blockquote>
+
+<p>Superiority, and again Superiority! In this one word
+lies the secret of our success at sea. Yet it would be hard
+to say how many careless civilians there are, taking all
+things for granted, who fail to recognise that fact even
+now. Not numbers nor organisation, nor men nor guns
+nor ships&mdash;though these have counted for something&mdash;have
+been responsible for our victory. It has been due
+above all to superiority&mdash;sheer superiority.</p>
+
+<p>Think what would have happened if there had been any
+strategic fumbling at the opening of the War! It is not
+pleasant to reflect upon what might have occurred (had
+not superiority stepped in) at the very outset if, for instance,
+we had sent several <i>Dreadnoughts</i> to catch the
+<i>Emden</i>. It was strongly suspected, mind you, that there
+were German armed vessels on the trade routes. As one
+merchantman after another was sunk there could no longer
+be any doubt about it. What if, in panic, we had suddenly
+dispersed our naval force to every part of the globe?
+What then? But we didn't. What again if it had been
+determined, in accordance with some fanciful scheme, to
+concentrate our main striking force in the Mersey?
+Germany well might have captured the initiative. But
+authority was not distracted from its primary purpose.
+Was its policy a success? Come, now, was it?</p>
+
+<p>The old year has gone. On January 4th the British
+Fleet had been at war seventeen months&mdash;roughly seventy-four
+weeks (anyone can count them up; there is nothing
+abstruse about my statistics). In a word, it might almost
+be said, with some approach to accuracy, that it has been in
+the throes of the struggle for a year and a half. Very well.</p>
+
+<p>The German Flag has been banished from the ocean.
+Not since the War began has a German battleship steamed
+down the Channel&mdash;nor a battle cruiser, nor yet an
+armoured cruiser, nor even a light cruiser, nor a monitor,
+nor a destroyer. None of them&mdash;not one. Why is that?
+Because (<i>vide supra</i>) the German Fleet has been banished
+from the ocean. It still exists, but it is safely locked up
+behind explosive agents (mines) and protected by submersive
+factors (submarines). The German Fleet is in a zareba.</p>
+
+<p>Let us recall the striking words of one of Germany's
+leading naval strategists, written, mark you, before the
+War: "England's strength is mainly in her Fleet." I
+wonder now if that is generally known.</p>
+
+<p>He goes on to define the duties of a fleet in the following
+words:&mdash;</p>
+
+<ol>
+<li> To avert invasion.</li>
+<li> To keep the sea open for the arrival of imports;</li>
+<li> And the departure of exports;</li>
+<li> And for the exit of re-exports;</li>
+<li> Also the entrance of re-imports.</li>
+<li> To protect trade.</li>
+</ol>
+
+<p>Has the British Fleet succeeded?</p>
+
+<p>The German Flag is banished from the seas. In January
+1916 the German Fleet is still lurking in that zareba.
+The <i>Dreadnought</i> embodied an offensive <i>in excelsis</i>, even
+as the expansion of the <i>Dreadnought</i> policy embodies an
+offensive <i>in extenso</i> and imposes upon the enemy a defensive
+<i>in extremis</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It is perhaps hardly realised that the performance of the
+British Navy in this War has no parallel in history. In
+the past, enemy frigates always succeeded in getting out
+of ports, however close the blockade. But none has broken
+through this time&mdash;not a single frigate. On the other
+hand enemy submarines may be said to have been more
+formidable than in the Napoleonic wars.</p>
+
+<p>But the German Fleet is strong. I am not one of the
+sort of humourists who hold it up to contempt in its inactivity.
+For that matter I am not any sort of humourist.
+Perhaps you have found that out. But the German High
+Seas Fleet is no fit subject for joke. That it has proved
+harmless is due to one thing alone&mdash;superiority.</p>
+
+<p>And so the War wags. All over the high seas our
+merchantmen continue to inscribe their indelible furrows.</p>
+
+<p>And where is the German Fleet? I think I have answered
+that.</p>
+
+<p>Here then I conclude my synopsis of the work of the
+Fleet in 1915. And if it be said that it might well have
+stood almost word for word as the record of the work of the
+Fleet in 1914, I may reply that I sometimes wistfully
+wonder if I shall have to make any alterations in the text
+before it goes to press again this time next year.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bis.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Very Early Victorian.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Handsomely carved early Victorian sideboard, been in one family
+for a century."&mdash;<i>Advt. in "Horncastle News."</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law's</span> speech as reported by a morning
+paper:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"We were quite ready to carry on the principle of keeping a
+united nation by keeping in opposition and not facetiously opposing
+the Government."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Unlike those eminent humourists, Messrs. <span class="sc">Hogge, Pringle</span>,
+and <span class="sc">King</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/023.png"><img width="100%" src="images/023.png" alt=""/></a><h3>THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING.</h3>
+<p><span class="sc">Bosch</span> (<i>with visions of the conquest of Egypt</i>). "I
+SUPPOSE HE KNOWS THE WAY THERE." <span class="sc">Camel</span> (<i>overhearing</i>).
+"<i>AND</i> BACK!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/025.png"><img width="100%" src="images/025.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Harassed N.C.O.</i> "<span class="sc">Call that 'presenting
+arms'! If I was the King and you presented arms like that, I'd&mdash;I'd
+throw my hat at you!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PESSIPHONE.</h2>
+
+<p>It is weary work being a pessimist
+these days, for the process of corrugating
+the brow and groaning at the War
+news must of necessity entail much
+energy. For some time past it has
+been patent to sympathetic observers
+that what the pessimist to-day really
+needs is a machine to do the work for
+him.</p>
+
+<p>To meet this want the Electrophobia
+Syndicate have invented the Pessiphone&mdash;a
+mixture of gramophone
+and pessimist&mdash;believing that he who
+to-day can make two whimpers grow
+where one grew before deserves well of
+his country in war time. With the Pessiphone
+there is now absolutely no excuse
+for cheerfulness. It is the marvel of
+the age, and has very fittingly been
+described as worth a guinea a groan.
+With one pint of petrol the Pessiphone
+will disseminate more depression
+throughout the household in ten
+minutes than could be accomplished
+in a day by thirty human pessimists.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as people commence to be
+cheerful all you have to do is to press
+the button and hold on to something.
+A child can start it but nobody can
+stop it. Ten minutes is all that is
+sufficient to give a whole family melancholia
+or creeping dyspepsia. It has
+been known to be fatal at 200 yards'
+range. Messrs. <span class="sc">Wilkie Bard</span> and
+<i>George Graves</i> have already offered a
+heavy reward for the body dead or alive
+of the inventor&mdash;a fact which speaks
+highly for the machine and its maker.</p>
+
+<p>When the instrument was first tried
+on a select party of confirmed optimists
+two of them rushed out of the
+office and have not been heard of since,
+while the others clawed savagely at
+the office mat.</p>
+
+<p>No burglar will go near it. It will
+drive away rate-collectors and poor
+relations. One client has already used
+it on his mother-in-law with favourable
+results.</p>
+
+<p>The Pessiphone is fitted with a little
+oil-bath, all black fittings, self-starting
+lever, Stormy Arthur two-speed
+gear, thus rendering it easy of change
+from "Mildly Miserable" to "Devastating,"
+and the whole is packed complete
+with accessories and delivered
+carriage free to your back garden,
+where it may be let loose.</p>
+
+<p>The following letters from grateful
+pessimists&mdash;all involuntary contributions&mdash;speak
+for themselves:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Gentlemen</span>,&mdash;For years I have been
+troubled with ginger hair, but since
+using the Pessiphone I have had the
+beastly stuff turn grey.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Dear Sirs</span>,&mdash;I used to read <i>The
+Moaning Herald</i> aloud each morning,
+but I now use the Pessiphone with
+more deadly effect.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Householder</span> writes: Please turn
+the Pessiphone off at the main. None
+of my family has been able to get near
+the house for five days.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Golder's Green</span> says: The other
+day the butcher's boy, cheerful as
+usual, was coming up the garden path
+whistling, and though it may hardly
+seem credible this so affected the Pessiphone
+that it actually jumped off the
+table and bit the boy.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A Change of Cure.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Infectious Diseases Hospital at
+Colchester has been appointed to the vicarage
+of Hurst Green, Etchingham, Sussex."</p>
+
+<p><i>Essex and Halstead Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>From a chemist's reminiscences:&mdash;</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"In the early part of the last century the
+sale of leeches was one of the most important.
+Doctors bled their patients for every imaginable
+ailment. To-day all that we can say of
+leeches is that we just keep them."&mdash;<i>Observer</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>As pets, we suppose.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span>
+
+<h2>RULES FOR HERO-NAILERS.</h2>
+
+<p>The following notice appears daily
+in the <i>Wilhelmshavener Tageblatt.</i></p>
+
+<p>The statue to which it refers, known
+as "The Trusty Look-Out," represents
+a seaman in oilskins looking out over
+the North Sea. The face is that of
+<span class="sc">von Tirpitz.</span></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+The Trusty Look-out.</p>
+
+<p>Nails may be driven into the statue on
+week-days between 11 and 1, and on Sundays
+between 10 and 5. The sale of tickets for
+Nails and Shields takes place at the Treasury
+of the Town Hall during office hours, and
+also at the time for driving in Nails on
+the spot.</p>
+
+<p>Further, tickets for iron Nails may be
+bought in the following shops: (<i>here follows
+a list of three booksellers, one general store and
+six tobacco shops</i>).</p>
+
+<p>The prices are fixed at:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>0.50 m. for an iron Nail.</p>
+<p>5.00 m. for a silver Nail.</p>
+<p>10.00 m. for a small gold Nail.</p>
+<p>20.00 m. for a larger gold Nail.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Anyone who buys 100, 200, 300
+or 400 marks' worth of iron Nails
+receives a silver Shield with a corresponding
+inscription; similarly,
+a gold Shield for iron Nails to the
+value of 500 and more marks.
+<span class="sc">Whoever changes a 10 mark gold
+piece receives an iron Nail
+free.</span></p>
+
+<p>For the purpose of preparing
+inscriptions on Shields the date on
+which it is proposed to drive in
+the Nails must be notified at the
+Treasury three days in advance.</p>
+
+<p>If clubs, societies, or other collections
+of people wish to drive in
+their Nails in private parties they
+are requested to get into touch
+with the Municipal Architect, Mr.
+Zopff, with a view to fixing the day
+and hour, in order that no delay
+may be caused by overcrowding.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wilhelmshaven</i>, 12<i>th December</i>, 1915.</p>
+
+<p>For the Municipal Council.</p>
+
+<p>(Signed) <span class="sc">Bartelt</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Not in a spirit of carping criticism,
+but as earnest admirers of German
+forethought and thoroughness (<i>Gr&uuml;ndlichkeit</i>),
+we feel it our duty to point
+out that there are a few contingencies
+for which these otherwise admirable
+regulations fail to provide, and we beg
+leave to suggest to the Municipal
+Council of Wilhelmshaven the following
+additions:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>(1) It is unpatriotic and un-German
+to spend more time than necessary
+in driving in nails, as standing-room,
+the number of hammers and
+the patience of the officials are all
+limited.</p>
+
+<p>(2) The limit of time allowed for
+driving in one nail is one minute, for
+a silver nail two minutes, for a small
+gold nail two and a-half minutes and
+for a large gold nail three minutes.</p>
+
+<p>(3) If in any case the time-limit
+is exceeded the Municipal nail-driver
+will displace the person whose lack
+of skill is responsible for the delay
+and will drive home the offending
+nail himself.</p>
+
+<p>(4) If any person offers resistance
+to this procedure he or she will be
+nailed to the statue by the Municipal
+nail-driver as a warning to others.
+A large <i>iron</i> nail will be used for this
+purpose, the charge for which will
+be added to the death-duties.</p>
+
+<p>(5) It is unpatriotic and un-German
+to use bad language when driving
+in nails. However, in view of
+the well-known tenderness of the
+human heart and the high state of
+nervous tension in which many persons
+of an ardent patriotic disposition
+may be expected to perform this
+supreme act of symbolic devotion,
+those who drive in iron nails will be
+allowed to swear once for each nail,
+or seven times for half-a-dozen
+nails, whilst a higher proportion of
+swear words will be allowed for silver
+and gold nails, on the progressive lines
+laid down in (2).</p>
+
+<p>(6) Anyone exceeding the patriotic
+limit of bad language will be dealt
+with by the Municipal nail-driver as
+in (4).</p>
+
+<p>(7) Classes of instruction in nail-driving
+will be held in the Town-hall
+daily between 10 and 11 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> (Sundays
+excepted).</p>
+
+<p>(8) Persons who wish to be photographed
+in the act of nail-driving
+must give notice to the Municipal
+photographer two days in advance.
+The cost of the photograph will naturally
+be in inverse proportion to the
+value of the nail which is driven in.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/026.png"><img width="100%" src="images/026.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">"Bejabers! If you're gettin' on, I'm gettin'
+off!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Hon. John Fellowes Wallop, of Barton
+House, Morchard Bishop, brother and heir-presumptive
+of the Earl of Portsmouth, entered
+his 57th pear on Monday."</p>
+
+<p class="i10">      <i>Western Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We congratulate him on his digestion.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NIGHT OPERATIONS.</h2>
+
+<p>"Storm or no storm," said Charles,
+"as a medical man I can't stick this
+fug any longer."</p>
+
+<p>He disappeared behind the heavy
+anti-Zepp curtains and opened the window.
+A piercing draught caught the
+back of Bill's neck and he sat up.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here," he said crossly, "this
+is no night for a poor Special to go out
+in. Can't I send a medical certificate
+instead?"</p>
+
+<p>"You cannot," replied Charles. "I
+will not be a party to such evasions."</p>
+
+<p>"It's pouring with rain and blowing
+a gale. No Zepp ever hatched would
+come over to-night."</p>
+
+<p>"That's not the point, Bill." Kit
+unexpectedly opened one eye. "How
+are Charles and I to sleep soundly in
+our warm beds unless we
+know you're outside, guarding
+us?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's right," growled Bill.
+"Hub it in. Your turn to-morrow,
+anyway."</p>
+
+<p>The other two sang the
+praises of bed in fervent antistrophe
+till at last Bill rose with
+a groan and assumed his overcoat,
+badge and truncheon. He
+stopped at the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Charles," said he, "if after
+this night's work I die of
+bronchial catarrh, unzepp'd,
+unhonoured and unsung&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Good night, dear old
+thing," interposed Charles
+sweetly. "Run away and
+play, there's a good child;
+Uncle's tired."</p>
+
+<p>He disappeared to bed.</p>
+
+<p>An hour later he was awakened by a
+tremendous knocking at the front-door.
+Resolutely turning on to his other side,
+he tried to ignore it, but the fusillade
+continued and swelled. Only when it
+appeared likely to do permanent and
+irreparable damage to the building did
+he rush out on to the landing. There
+he met Kit, half awake, with his eyelids
+tightly gummed together.</p>
+
+<p>"That ass Bill," he said peevishly.
+"Forgotten his latchkey most likely.
+Serve him right if we left him there!"</p>
+
+<p>"My good man, one must sleep."</p>
+
+<p>Charles ran downstairs, opened the
+door and indignantly confronted the
+glistening figure on the steps.</p>
+
+<p>"It is my duty to warn you, Sir,"
+said William's voice in an official but
+triumphant tone, "that one of your
+downstairs windows has been left open.
+Most dangerous. Also," he added
+quickly, "that I am authorised to use
+my truncheon in self-defence, and that
+anything you say may be used as
+evidence against you."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span>
+
+<h2>UNRULY BRITANNIA.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;I see that Canon
+<span class="sc">Masterman</span>, in his Presidential Address
+to the Members of the Teachers' Guild
+of Great Britain and Ireland, delivered
+yesterday week, observed that the German
+teacher had been the servant of
+the State; his function had been to
+foster love for the Fatherland. But,
+he continued, "that love was degraded
+by jealousy, distrust and arrogance.
+The spirit that breathed through our
+'Rule, Britannia!' was corrected in our
+national life by our sense of humour
+and self-criticism." How true and how
+necessary! It is indeed surprising to
+me that no one has said it before. Why
+should we dwell on the greatness of
+our sea-power and proclaim our resolve
+not to be slaves? I have always understood,
+in spite of the view of Sir <span class="sc">Henry
+Newbolt</span>, that <span class="sc">Drake</span> was nothing more
+than a buccaneer. The public utterance
+of such sentiments is surely prejudicial
+to "moral uplift," and, in the memorable
+words of <i>Mr. Pecksniff</i>, is "Pagan,
+I regret to say."</p>
+
+<p>It seems to me that the time has now
+come when, in the interests of reticence
+and humanity, a serious attempt should
+be made to revise our so-called patriotic
+songs, and, though fully conscious
+of my own literary shortcomings, I
+cannot refrain from suggesting, by the
+following examples, the lines on which
+such revision might be profitably carried
+out. For instance, the refrain of
+"Rule, Britannia!" would be shorn of
+its thrasonical quality and rendered
+suitable for use in elementary schools
+if it took the following form:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Curb, Britannia, Britannia curb thy pride;</p>
+<p>True Britons never, never, never <span class="sc">put on side</span>."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Another song which clamours for
+drastic revision is "The British Grenadiers."
+I cannot help thinking that it
+would be greatly improved if it were
+remodelled thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Some talk of <span class="sc">Alexander</span>, and some of <span class="sc">Hercules</span>,</p>
+<p>Of <span class="sc">Hector</span> and <span class="sc">Lysander</span>, and warriors such as these;</p>
+<p>But infinitely greater than the stroke of any sword</p>
+<p>Is the pow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow of <span class="sc">Wilson</span> and of <span class="sc">Ford</span>."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>There are many other standard songs
+and poems which could be dealt with
+in similar salutary fashion, but I am
+content to leave the task to others, and
+will content myself with the following
+original lines, which, whatever may
+be said of their form, have, at any rate,
+the root of the matter in them:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"The men who made our Empire great</p>
+<p class="i2">Have long ago received their meed;</p>
+<p>Then why the tale reiterate?</p>
+<p class="i2">Self-criticism now we need.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then, O my brethren, lest you stumble</p>
+<p class="i2">Look carefully before you leap;</p>
+<p>Be modest, moderate and 'umble&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Like the immortal Mr. Heep."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Once more and in conclusion:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Let us be humorous, but never swankful&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Swank mars the finer fibres of the soul&mdash;</p>
+<p>For what we have achieved devoutly thankful,</p>
+<p class="i2">But disinclined our prowess to extol;</p>
+<p>And, when our foemen bang the drum and bump it,</p>
+<p class="i2">In silence be our disapproval shown;</p>
+<p>'Tis nobler far to blow another's trumpet</p>
+<p class="i2">Than to perform fantasias on your own."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>I am, dear Mr. Punch,</p>
+
+<p>Yours earnestly,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Chadley Bandman</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/027.png"><img width="100%" src="images/027.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Doctor</i> (<i>to would-be recruit, whipper-in to the
+Blankshires</i>). "<span class="sc">Sorry I can't pass you, my man. You've got an
+enlarged heart</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Recruit.</i> "<span class="sc">Squire always says as you couldn't have too big an
+'eart to ride over a country on war-time 'osses</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Our Experts.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"There are still three gaps in the trunk line
+through Asia Minor to Baghdad, but these will
+be filled in during the course of next year, and
+unless we can reach the city before the Germans,
+they will certainly reach it before us."</p>
+
+<p><i>Truth</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"One of Mr. Copeland's ancestors, Sir John
+Copeland, who captured David, King of Scotland,
+with 40,000 troops at the battle of
+Neville's Cross, after lodging the latter in
+Carlisle Castle, proceeded to France, to report
+the event to the King, who knighted him at
+Calais and conferred on him the Barony of
+Kendal."&mdash;<i>Carlisle Journal.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>In these days he would have been fined
+for overcrowding.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span>
+
+<h2>JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE.</h2>
+
+<p>Once upon a time a rash man, wishing
+who knows for what?&mdash;possibly
+a peerage, possibly to be relieved of
+superfluous cash and so no longer have
+to pay super-tax, possibly for the mere
+joy of pulling wires&mdash;decided to start a
+newspaper.</p>
+
+<p>After much consultation the plans
+were complete in every particular save
+one. The premises were taken, the
+staff appointed, the paper, ink and so
+forth contracted for, the office girls and
+lift girls were engaged, the usual gifted
+and briefless barrister was installed
+as editor, and the necessary Cabinet
+Minister willing to reveal secrets was
+obtained. Everything, in short, that a
+successful newspaper at the present
+time could possibly require was ready,
+when it was suddenly remembered that
+no provision had been made for a daily
+supply of pictures. A popular paper
+without pictures being such a crazy
+anomaly, a pictorial editor was instantly
+advertised for.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said the editor to the applicant
+for the post, "give me an idea of
+your originality and resource in the
+choice of topical photographs."</p>
+
+<p>"I think you can rely on me to be
+original," said the young man, "and
+not only original but revolutionary. I
+have thought about it all a lot, and I
+have made some discoveries. My
+notion is that the public wants to be
+'in' all that is happening. Nothing's
+beneath their notice; their eyes want
+food to feast on all the time."</p>
+
+<p>"Go on," said the editor; "you
+interest me strangely."</p>
+
+<p>"The function of the camera, as I
+conceive it," the young man explained,
+"is to serve as the handmaid of the
+fountain-pen. Together they are terrific&mdash;a
+combination beyond resistance.
+That perhaps is the chief of the inspirations
+which much pondering
+has brought me. One must always be
+fortifying the other. People not only
+want to read of a thing, they come to
+see it, and very rightly. Here is an
+example. We are gradually getting
+shorter and shorter of messengers, so
+much so that many shopkeepers no
+longer are able to send purchases home.
+That means that people must carry
+them themselves. Now what more
+interesting, valuable or timely picture
+could you have than a photograph of
+a customer carrying, say, a loaf of
+bread&mdash;a picture of the unfortunate
+victim of the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> in the very act of
+having to do something for himself?
+How that brings it home to us!"</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove, yes," said the editor,
+deeply impressed.</p>
+
+<p>"I could arrange for someone to be
+taken just leaving the shop," the applicant
+went on; "and I would put underneath
+something about the straits to
+which the War has brought shoppers."</p>
+
+<p>"Capital!" said the editor. "Go
+on."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I have noticed," said the
+youth, "that people are interested in
+photographs of musical-comedy and
+revue actresses."</p>
+
+<p>"I believe you may be right," the
+editor remarked pensively.</p>
+
+<p>"So I would arrange for a steady
+series of these ladies, which not only
+would delight the public but might be
+profitable to the advertisement revenue
+of the paper if properly managed; for
+I should state what plays they were
+in, and where."</p>
+
+<p>"A great idea," said the editor.</p>
+
+<p>"But I should not," the young man
+continued, "merely give that information
+beneath. I should add something
+topical, such as 'who has just received
+an admiring letter from a stranger at
+the Front'; 'who spends her spare time
+knitting for our brave lads'; 'whose
+latest song is whistled in trench and
+camp'; 'who confesses to a great admiration
+for Khaki,' and so on. In this
+way you get a War interest, and every
+one is the better for looking at some
+pictures. Nothing is so elevating as
+the constant spectacle of young women
+with insufficient noses."</p>
+
+<p>"Marvellous!" exclaimed the editor.
+"But what of the War itself?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes, I was coming to that,"
+the young man went on. "I have a
+strong conviction&mdash;I may be wrong,
+but I think not&mdash;that war-pictures are
+popular, and I have noticed that one
+soldier astonishingly resembles another.
+This is a priceless discovery, as I will
+show. I would therefore get all the
+groups of soldiers that I could take in
+open country wherever it was most
+convenient to my operator, and I would
+label them according to recent events.
+For example, I would call one group&mdash;and
+understand that they would all
+have non-committal backgrounds&mdash;'A
+wayside chat near Salonica'; another,
+'A Tommy narrating the story of his
+escape from a Jack Johnson'; a third,
+'A hurried lunch somewhere in France';
+a fourth, 'How the new group of Lord
+<span class="sc">Derby's</span> men will look after a few
+weeks'; a fifth, 'Our brave lads leaving
+Flanders on short leave'; and so
+on."</p>
+
+<p>"But you are a genius!" exclaimed
+the editor, surprised into enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"As for the rest of the pictures," said
+the applicant, "I have perhaps peculiar
+views, but I hold that they ought to be
+photographs of Members of Parliament
+walking to or from the House of Commons,
+a profoundly interesting phase
+of modern life too little touched upon;
+photographs of the <i>fianc&eacute;es</i> of soldiers,
+of whom it does not matter if no
+one had ever heard before, engagements
+being of the highest importance,
+especially at a time when marriage is a
+state duty. So much for the staple of
+the picture-page, which I trust you do
+not consider too daring."</p>
+
+<p>"Daring, perhaps," said the editor,
+"but not excessively so, and one must
+be both nowadays. One must innovate."</p>
+
+<p>"And then," pursued the youth, "for
+padding&mdash;though padding of course
+only to the experts, not to the great
+hungry asinine public&mdash;anything can
+be rendered serviceable provided that
+the words beneath are adroit enough.
+Thus, a view of Westminster Abbey
+would be 'The architectural jewel of
+England which the Zeppelins have in
+vain tried to bomb'; a view of Victoria
+Station, 'The terminus at which every
+day and night, thousands of homing
+Tommies are welcomed'; any picture
+of a dog or cat or canary or parrot
+would bear a legend to the effect that
+all our brave lads love pets and are
+never so happy as when accompanied
+by a favourite animal; while any
+maritime scene would be certainly
+related to a recent submarine outrage,
+the Almighty in His infinite wisdom
+and prevision having made all expanses
+of ocean look alike."</p>
+
+<p>"You are certainly," said the editor,
+"a very original and enterprising young
+man and I have great pleasure in
+engaging you to enrich our sheet."</p>
+
+<p>But when the paper came out the
+picture page was found to differ in no
+single respect from the other picture
+pages in the other dailies.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LITERARY REPRISALS.</h2>
+
+<p>Nearly three years ago Mr. E. C.
+<span class="sc">Bentley</span> wrote an excellent detective
+story called <i>Trent's Last Case</i>. We
+now see amongst the latest literary
+announcements, <i>Bentley's Conscience</i>,
+by <span class="sc">Paul Trent</span>.</p>
+
+<p>This retaliation prepares us for a
+whole series of recriminatory works of
+fiction. Among those shortly to be
+expected are the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Delusions of Doyle</i>, by <span class="sc">Anthony
+Hope</span>, and <i>Hope's Hallucinations</i>, by
+<span class="sc">Conan Doyle</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hewlett's Downfall</i>, by <span class="sc">G. K. Chesterton</span>,
+and <i>Chesterton's Catastrophe</i>,
+by <span class="sc">Maurice Hewlett</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Curse of Cain</i>, by <span class="sc">Marie Corelli</span>,
+and <i>Marie the Malevolent</i>, by <span class="sc">Hall
+Caine</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dexter Street</i>, by <span class="sc">Compton MacKenzie</span>,
+and <i>The Meanderings of MacKenzie</i>,
+by <span class="sc">G. S. Street</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span>
+
+
+<h3>AN OLD-FASHIONED PLAYGOER VISITS A MODERN REVUE.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/029a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029a.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">"Aha! Best seat in the house. Third row of stalls&mdash;next
+to gangway.  I'm going to enjoy myself."</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/029b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029b.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Act I. Scene I.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/029c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029c.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Scene II.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/029d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029d.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Scene III.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/029e.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029e.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Act II. Scene I.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/029f.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029f.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">"I say&mdash;do you think you could change my stall for a
+quiet chair on the stage?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/030.png"><img width="100%" src="images/030.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>First Clubwoman.</i> "<span class="sc">I noticed you talking to
+that old bore. Did she get on to her ailments?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Second Clubwoman.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes. You might almost call it an organ
+recital.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A TALE OF HEADS.</h2>
+
+<p>After nine o'clock parade on that
+memorable morning the Sergeant-Major
+spoke to this effect: Though he, the
+Sergeant-Major, was new to the unit,
+he could and would make it plain that
+It Would Not Do. Had he taken up
+his duties in a dashed glee club or in
+a blanked choral society, he wanted
+to know? Though he had tried hard
+not to, he had been forced to admit
+that It was d&mdash;&mdash;d disgraceful.  He
+had never, he reflected aloud, seen anything
+like it during an active army
+existence that had provided many
+shocking sights. And he opined that
+there would be fatigues and C.B.s and
+court-martials and shootings-at-dawn
+if It continued. He was good, even for
+a Sergeant-Major.</p>
+
+<p>The trouble was the hairs of the
+heads of the unit. And though he had
+rightly got the unit by the hairs which
+should have been short we felt it to be
+exceeding the limit on his part to refer
+to us as blanked musicians. Moreover,
+the band were most annoyed
+about it.</p>
+
+<p>The Sergeant-Major paused to reflect,
+and to arrange matters with what he
+imagined was a sense of justice.</p>
+
+<p>Though, he continued bitterly, we
+<i>were</i> more like a Spillikins Circle than
+an Army unit, he would, from sheer
+native kindness of heart, save us the
+imminent gibbet or the burial by a
+trench-digging party which awaited us.
+He would merely illustrate our manifold
+faults by taking the case of No. 3
+in the rear rank.</p>
+
+<p>"Please, Sir&mdash;&mdash;" This from the
+outraged No. 3.</p>
+
+<p>Silence must be observed. There
+was no excuse for the state of No. 3's
+hair. Here in camp (coldly), though
+we <i>were</i> five miles from a town, we
+had a barber, and by all report, though
+he had been there but two days, an
+excellent barber. No. 3, rear rank, did
+not appear to know this.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Silence in the ranks. Not only was
+the living presence of a most valuable
+functionary stultified by No. 3, but he,
+like all his slack kind, must babble on
+parade. He, the S.-M., would do all
+the talking necessary. But even if
+No. 3 thought he <i>was</i> back in his local
+Debating Society even then he need
+not wear his hair long. The others
+might look at him to see what an unclipped
+man could come to, and afterwards
+show him the Barber's Tent.</p>
+
+<p>A ripple went along the ranks, and
+No. 3's arms shot up despairingly.</p>
+
+<p>There need be no demonstration, and
+No. 3 should remember that he was on
+parade and furthermore was standing
+at attention. He had had no orders to
+practise semaphore signalling.</p>
+
+<p>Well, perhaps (grudgingly) he had
+now given the unit some faint inkling
+of his feelings on the matter. If at any
+time in the future a long hair was found
+on a man in his unit, etc., etc. (eleven
+minutes).</p>
+
+<p>He would now condescend to hear
+any excuse that No. 3, rear rank, had
+to offer, so that he would be able to
+remark upon its utter worthlessness.
+Now, No. 3.</p>
+
+<p>"Please, Sir," viciously, "I'm the
+barber."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"For fifteen years, he [Sir William Osler]
+said, the slowly evolving, sprightly race of
+boys should dwell in a Garden of Eden, such
+as that depicted by the poet.</p>
+
+<p>During this decisive period a boy was an
+irresponsible, yet responsible creature, a mental
+and moral comedian taking the colour of
+his environment."&mdash;<i>Daily Mirror.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We fancy that Sir <span class="sc">William</span> really said
+"chameleon," but most schoolmasters
+will think that the other word is just
+as good.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/031.png"><img width="100%" src="images/031.png" alt=""/></a><h3>THE CRACK OF DOOM.</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)</span></p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/033a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/033a.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Paddy.</i> "<span class="sc">I'll not have conscription</span>.</p>
+<p><i>Premier.</i> "<span class="sc">That's all right. You're left out of it."</span></p>
+<p><i>Paddy.</i> "<span class="sc">Is it lave me out of it? Another injustice to th'
+ould Counthry</span>!"</p></div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday, January
+4th.</i>&mdash;This is the <span class="sc">Pertinacious
+Pringle's</span> day. True it is also, to a
+certain extent, the Empire's. A Session
+opening in 1914 has entered upon a
+third year. After briefest Christmas
+recess Members called back to work.
+They come in numbers that crowd
+benches on both sides. Atmosphere
+electrical with that sense of great happenings
+that upon occasion possesses
+it. Understood that Cabinet have resolved
+to recommend adoption of principle
+of compulsory military service.
+Rumours abroad of consequent resignations
+from Cabinet. To-morrow <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> will deal with these matters.
+Sufficient for to-day is urgent business
+of amending Munitions of War Bill in
+order to meet Labour objections.</p>
+
+<p>In such grave circumstances reasonable
+to expect that private Members,
+howsoever fussy by nature, would restrain
+themselves and permit public
+business to go forward. Member for
+North-West Lanarkshire does not take
+that view of his duty. Here is a day
+on which eyes of nation are with exceptional
+intensity and anxiety fixed on
+House of Commons. What an opportunity
+for <span class="sc">Pringle</span>-prangling! So at
+it he went, kept it up not only, through
+Question Hour but, by interruptions of
+<span class="sc">Minister of Munitions</span> when speaking
+during successive stages of Amending
+Bill, by questions in Committee, by
+acrimonious speeches on Report Stage
+and Third Reading, he hushed <span class="sc">Hogge</span>,
+snowed-up <span class="sc">Snowden</span>, ousted <span class="sc">Outhwaite</span>,
+and dammed the flow of
+<span class="sc">Dalziel's</span> discourse.</p>
+
+<p>In spite of this, which, in addition
+to major objections, wasted something
+like two hours, work got through a
+little before ten o'clock.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Munitions Amendment
+Bill, recommitted for insertion of
+now clause, passed through remaining
+stages. Read a third time amidst
+general cheers.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/033b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/033b.png" alt=""/></a><p>THE PERTINACIOUS PRINGLE</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;When shortly after
+three o'clock this afternoon the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> asked leave to introduce Bill
+delicately described as designed "to
+make provision with respect to military
+service in connection with the present
+War" he was greeted by hearty cheer
+from audience that packed the Chamber
+from floor to topmost row of benches
+in Strangers' Gallery. Members who
+had not reserved a seat filled the side
+Galleries and overflowed in a group
+thronging the Bar.</p>
+
+<p>Since the War began we have from
+time to time had crowded Houses
+awaiting momentous announcement
+from <span class="sc">Premier</span>. A distinction of to-day's
+gathering is the considerable
+proportion of Members in khaki. The
+whip summoning attendance had
+sounded as far as the trenches in
+Flanders, bringing home numbers more
+than sufficient to "make a House" of
+themselves. Among them was General
+<span class="sc">Seely</span>, who contributed to debate one
+of its most effective speeches. He met
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span>
+with friendly reception even from that
+part of the House not similarly disposed
+when he was accustomed to
+address it from Treasury Bench.</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">ex-Home Secretary</span>, rising to
+state the conscientious reasons that
+compelled the sacrifice of high Ministerial
+office, also had warm reception
+from all the Benches. General regret
+that he will, for the present at least,
+resume the status of private Member
+after a Ministerial career as brilliant as
+it was brief.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Bill requiring military
+service for unattested single men
+and childless widowers of military
+age introduced by <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>.
+Blandly explained that it is not necessarily
+compulsory. If this class of
+citizen who has hitherto held back
+now likes to come forward and enlist
+he may do so under the Group system,
+which will be reopened for that purpose.
+What could be more thoughtful&mdash;or
+obliging?</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;By comparison with
+yesterday's crowded attendance and
+buzzing excitement, through greater
+part of to-day's sitting Benches only
+moderately full, and general conditions
+otherwise normal. Members who objected
+to carrying debate over second
+day felt themselves justified. Two
+speeches made it worth while to extend
+debate&mdash;one delivered from below Gangway
+by <span class="sc">Long John Ward</span> of Stoke-on-Trent,
+now a full-blown Colonel.
+Hurried over from the Front to defend
+and vote for Compulsion Bill, although
+heretofore a strong opponent of conscription.
+Animated manly speech,
+much cheered from all quarters.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, who, moving from
+modest place habitually occupied towards
+lower end of Treasury Bench,
+seated himself next the <span class="sc">Premier</span>,
+thence shortly after ten o'clock rose
+and delivered a speech which recalled
+his greatest triumphs achieved in former
+days when in different circumstances
+he stood by same historic brass-bound
+box which <span class="sc">Dizzy</span> in his day
+clutched and <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> thumped.</p>
+
+<p>As he resumed his seat amidst storm
+of cheering, <span class="sc">Speaker</span> put the Question
+for leave to introduce the Bill. A
+mighty shout of "Ay!" responded,
+answered by futile cry of "No!"</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed! agreed!" cried the peace-makers.
+But the minority were out
+for a division and insisted on taking it.
+Resulted in leave being given by majority
+of four to one, a conclusion hailed
+with renewed outburst of cheering.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Leave given by 403
+votes against 105. <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+brought in Military Service Bill.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/034.png"><img width="100%" src="images/034.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">"Want to do your bit, my lad?"</span></p>
+<p><span class="sc">"Of c-c-c-c-c-c-c-course I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do."</span></p>
+<p><span class="sc">"Then take my advice and join the machine-gun section."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The holder of an Exchequer Bond for
+&pound;100 will receive &pound;100 on December 1st, 1910,
+and will in the meantime receive &pound;5 per
+annum in interest."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The new security seems to have a
+brilliant future behind it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The bride, who was given away by her
+father, wore a dress of pale bridegroom. She
+was attended by the hat, and carried a bouquet,
+the gift of the pink taffeta silk and a large dark
+blue bridegroom's two little nieces."</p>
+
+<p><i>Kentish Mercury.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>What colour was the bridegroom?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The last paragraph in Mr. A. F. Dunnett's
+letter, appearing in our issue of the 14th inst.,
+contained an obvious error. 'Nathan's vineyard'
+should, of course, have been 'Nabob's
+vineyard.'"</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Gleaner (Kingston, Jamaica).</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Of course&mdash;where the pickles grow.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Sergeant Capes saw the fowls in a crater
+on Castle-hill. On the crater being opened
+two of them were almost dead, and others
+were exhausted, and could scarcely stand."</p>
+
+<p><i>Nottingham Evening Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>No doubt overcome by the gas.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/035.png"><img width="100%" src="images/035.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Tradesman.</i> "<span class="sc">Are you insuring against Zeppelins
+for the New Year?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Householder.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, I'm thinking of it, as I remember reading
+in the last raid how they dropped seventeen bombs in one area. I wonder
+they don't get hit, standing still all that time in the air.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SORROWFUL SNIPER.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I'm un'appy, so I am. Don't enjoy me beef nor jam,</p>
+<p class="i2">An' I'm grumpy an' as 'umpy as a camel.</p>
+<p>Bin an' stopped my leave? Oh no! <i>That</i> was fixed up long ago;</p>
+<p>But the trouble is, I've got it, an' I feel afeared to go,</p>
+<p class="i2">An' it's all alonger tin o' green enamel.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Fancy spendin' New Year's Eve, when you oughter be on leave,</p>
+<p class="i2">In a dugout where the damp is slowly tricklin',</p>
+<p>All alonger tin o' green an' a sniper lank an' lean</p>
+<p>'Oo was swearin' an' a-strafin' an' a-snipin' in between,</p>
+<p class="i2">Till the Sergeant told me off to stop 'is ticklin'.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So I trimmed meself with straw, an' a grass an' hay coffyure,</p>
+<p class="i2">An' I clothed meself with faggots that a pal 'ad;</p>
+<p>Then the Sergeant got a brush an' some green an' sticky slush,</p>
+<p>An' 'e plastered me all over till I couldn't raise a blush,</p>
+<p class="i2">And I looked jest like a vegetable salad.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then I crept out in the night, an' I waited for the light,</p>
+<p class="i2">But the sniper saw me fust an' scored an inner.</p>
+<p>I could 'ear the twigs divide, but I signalled 'im a "wide,"</p>
+<p>Then I squinted down me barrel, an' I let me finger glide,</p>
+<p class="i2">An' I pipped 'im where 'e uster put 'is dinner.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yus, I busted up the Bosch, but I found out, at the wash,</p>
+<p class="i2">That enamel was a fast an' lastin' colour,</p>
+<p>An' the soap I used to clean made me shine a brighter green;</p>
+<p>I'm a cabbage, I'm a lettuce, I'm a walkin' kidney bean,</p>
+<p class="i2">An' I ain't a-leavin' Flanders till it's duller.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Good News for Taxpayers.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Income-tax can be paid in the case of individuals and firms who
+are liable to direct assessment in respect of trade, profession, or husbandry,
+in two halfpenny instalments&mdash;the first on January 1, and
+the second on July 1."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Evening Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Lucky Scots, to get off with twa bawbees!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From an advertisement;&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"&mdash;&mdash;'s Mustard Digests the Dish."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And so saves washing-up.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Strive to acquire now ideas. Vary the hour of rising.  If you
+take luncheon out never go always to the same place."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We seldom go always to the "Blue Lion," and usually never
+by the same way every time, for fear of hardly ever being
+unable to get out of the habit of it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<i>The Westminster Gazette</i>," writes a correspondent from
+Venice, "has always been regarded by the Italian Press as
+the most insular of English newspapers." Still we think
+that <i>La Difesa</i>, of which he encloses an extract, goes too
+far in referring to our esteemed contemporary as <i>La West-Monstergazette</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span>
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">The Basker</span>."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/036a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/036a.png" alt=""/></a><p>Miss <span class="sc">Hilda Moore</span> as <i>Mrs. Radford</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p>I imagine <i>The Basker</i> to be designed
+by "<span class="sc">Clifford Mills</span>" as a
+Tract against Dukes. And certainly
+her <i>Duke of Cheviot</i> is a miracle of
+obtuseness, who, if he had not been
+made a hero by his valet (an original
+and happy creation), would have grievously
+belied the proud old family motto,
+"<i>Je me sauvegarde</i>." <i>George de Lacorfe</i>,
+fashionable, <i>fain&eacute;ant</i> and forty, reader
+of <i>The Pink 'Un</i>, ardent bachelor,
+<i>Basker</i> in short, suddenly finds the
+dukedom of Cheviot thrust upon him.
+Quite unlike his egregious ancestors,
+who went out and biffed their enemies
+in the gate, especially the <i>Gorndykes</i>,
+who were an unpleasant shifty kind of
+raiders, <i>George</i> proposes to resign all
+the Cheviot places, emoluments and
+responsibilities to his cousin and heir,
+<i>Richard de Lacorfe</i>, on the day the
+said <i>Richard</i> shall marry. Now <i>Richard</i>
+is a <i>de Lacorfe</i> with the hereditary
+<i>Gorndyke</i> blood and nose acquired on
+the distaff side. This conspicuous organ
+inflames the anger of <i>George's</i> grandmother,
+the dowager, steeped as she is
+in the history and prejudices of the
+family, while other members of the
+august circle harbour unkind thoughts
+about their kinsman.</p>
+
+<p>And well they might. If anyone had
+"wrong 'un" written all over him it
+was <i>Richard</i>. Indeed his Roman nose
+was the straightest part of him.
+The guileless <i>George</i> who, though
+(or because) his grandmother presented
+him every birthday after
+his majority with a copy of <i>The
+History of the de Lacorfes</i>, knew
+and cared nothing about their
+glorious and stormy past, didn't
+suspect the <i>Gorndyke</i> rat in the
+<i>de Lacorfe</i> granary. Spendthrift
+<i>Richard</i>, who is always getting
+urgent blue envelopes from
+<i>Samuel &amp; Samuel</i>, is bent on
+marrying for money the very
+<i>Diana</i> that <i>George</i> loves for her
+blue hyacinth eyes. There is a
+misunderstanding between <i>George</i>
+and <i>Diana</i> (of such a childlike
+ingenuousness as to suggest that
+really this too easy spot-stroke
+should be barred to playwrights),
+and the idiotic girl promptly engages
+herself to <i>Richard</i>, who is
+of course in love with a patently
+naughty married woman. The
+most reckless of lovers from the
+moment when in his ardour he
+(apparently) bites this lady's
+hand in the First Act, in full
+view of the family, till he plans a
+flirtation by the Cheviot
+postern gate on the very eve of
+his marriage to <i>Diana</i>, he is an obviously
+doomed villain. The lady is surprised
+by <i>George</i> in the act of knocking
+thrice on the said postern within.
+When three knocks are heard without
+together with the voice of <i>Richard</i>, the
+<i>Duke</i> really begins to suspect something.
+Virtuous imbecility prevails over
+villainous stupidity. The final blow is
+dealt upon the <i>Gorndyke</i> nose. <i>Diana</i>
+is retrieved by this last of the safe-guarders,
+and we are left to a melancholy
+calculation as to what the mental
+capacity of their issue is likely to be.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/036b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/036b.png" alt=""/></a><p>THE SOUL'S AWAKENING.</p>
+<p><i>Nalet</i>, the valet (Mr. <span class="sc">Leon Quartermaine</span>), having been
+dismissed for not calling <i>George de Lacorfe</i> (Sir <span class="sc">George
+Alexander</span>) in the morning, makes good by waking his
+master's soul up at one o'clock at night.</p></div>
+
+<p>A good deal of spontaneous and
+honest laughter, the best of testimonials,
+greeted this rather ingenuous
+extravaganza. I think Mrs. <span class="sc">Clifford
+Mills</span> would do well not to prolong
+her mystifications beyond the point
+when they are quite clear to her
+audience. May I without boastfulness
+record that I guessed all about what
+<i>Richard</i> was going to do with the tiara
+quite three minutes before a well-known
+editor in front of me gave away the
+secret in a hoarse whisper to his neighbour?
+And that was some time before
+the author had finished the "preparation"
+of the business. And may I ask
+why <i>Richard</i> was forced to so fatuous
+a contrivance as the pawning of the
+tiara to make the exigent <i>Samuels</i> stay
+their hands for a week? True he
+couldn't tell them about the Cheviot deal,
+which was a secret between himself and
+<i>George</i>; but he could surely have used
+the fact of his coming marriage with
+<i>Diana's</i> money? And why didn't
+<i>Diana</i> write to her mother and ask her
+what was the solemn warning about
+<i>Richard</i> that she had on the tip of her
+tongue when she was interrupted just
+before going abroad? There <i>is</i> a mail
+to Singapore, isn't there? And does a
+<i>George</i>, succeeding to a dukedom, become
+"<i>Cheviot</i>" to his sister?</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">George Alexander</span> was at his
+excellent best in the lighter moods of
+the <i>Basker</i>. But I did not like
+to see him in pain (especially as
+it all seemed so unnecessary).
+Mr. <span class="sc">Leon Quartermaine</span>, in the
+really engaging part of the <i>Duke's</i>
+valet, who learned to think for
+himself and read to such excellent
+effect the history so carelessly
+neglected by his master, was
+quite admirable. But then he
+always is. Mr. <span class="sc">Norman Forbes</span>
+had little to exercise his powers
+in a churchwarden version of the
+stage-parson with a tiresome
+wife. Miss <span class="sc">Hilda Moore</span> looked
+charmingly wicked and acted
+with intelligence. The too serious
+<i>r&ocirc;le</i> tossed lightly by the author
+into the broadest farce presents
+an impossible problem. Miss
+<span class="sc">Ellen O'Malley</span> never mishandles
+a part. Sometimes, as
+here, a part is not too kind to her.
+As <i>George's</i> sister she could be
+no more than a competent peg.
+Miss <span class="sc">Marie Hemingway</span> had
+merely to look perplexed and
+pretty, which she did with complete
+success.  Everyone was
+frankly delighted to welcome back
+to the stage that great artist Miss
+<span class="sc">Genevieve Ward</span> as the <i>Dowager Duchess</i>.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span>
+She had the sort of reception
+that is only accorded to favourites of
+much more than common merit. And
+she played with decision, humour and
+resource. Sir <span class="sc">George</span> made a happy
+and generous little speech about her.
+The author was called to receive the
+felicitations of a gratified house.</p>
+
+<p>T.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A Grand Concert is to be given at
+the Kingsway Hall by the Independent
+Music Club, on January 18th, at 2.30,
+in aid of Mr. <span class="sc">C. Arthur Pearson's</span>
+Fund for Blinded Soldiers and Sailors.
+The Independent Music Club, which
+has been of invaluable assistance to
+musicians suffering from the War,
+proposes to entertain at least five hundred
+Wounded Soldiers at this Concert.</p>
+
+<p>Five shillings will provide ticket,
+transport and tea for one Wounded
+Soldier. Gifts for this purpose and for
+the object of helping our Blinded
+Soldiers and Sailors will be very gratefully
+acknowledged by the Treasurer,
+Independent Music Club, 13, Pembroke
+Gardens, Kensington, W.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The net proceeds of a "Special Night"
+at the National Sporting Club on Monday,
+January 17th, commencing at
+8 <span class="sc">P.M.</span>, are to be given to the Wounded
+Allies Relief Fund.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OPEN SECRETS.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>Inspired by the sight, anywhere in
+France, of the notice: "Taisez-vous!
+M&eacute;fiez-vous! Les ennemies oreilles
+vous ecoutent!</i>")</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There is something in the air,</p>
+<p class="i8">Dinna doot!</p>
+<p>We shall shortly see some <i>guerre</i></p>
+<p class="i8">Hereaboot.</p>
+<p class="i2">Yes, we're going to make a rush,</p>
+<p class="i2">Starting Tuesday next at&mdash;Hush!</p>
+<p class="i8"><i>Pourquoi?</i></p>
+<p><i>Les ennemies oreilles nous &eacute;coutent!</i></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We have got some special guns</p>
+<p class="i8">For to shoot,</p>
+<p>And to make the fleshy Huns</p>
+<p class="i8">Up and scoot.</p>
+<p class="i2">Would you care to hear the list?</p>
+<p class="i2">There's a grandmamma at&mdash;Hist!</p>
+<p class="i8"><i>Silence!</i></p>
+<p><i>Les ennemies oreilles nous &eacute;coutent!</i></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It is more than patent to</p>
+<p class="i8">The astute</p>
+<p>That a very big to-do</p>
+<p class="i8">Is <i>en route</i>.</p>
+<p class="i2">There's a million men, I'm told,</p>
+<p class="i2">Sailing round to land at&mdash;Hold!</p>
+<p class="i8"><i>Doucement!</i></p>
+<p><i>Les ennemies oreilles nous &eacute;coutent!</i></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Tho' to you, my simple friend,</p>
+<p class="i8">It is moot</p>
+<p>When the War is going to end</p>
+<p class="i8">(<i>Dat vas goot!</i>)</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>I</i> could say exactly when</p>
+<p class="i2">Peace will be declared. But then,</p>
+<p class="i8"><i>H&eacute;las!</i></p>
+<p><i>Les ennemies oreilles nous &eacute;coutent!</i></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I should be the very last</p>
+<p class="i8">To dispute</p>
+<p>That remarks, too freely passed,</p>
+<p class="i8">Come as loot</p>
+<p class="i2">To those wicked people, spies;</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet what lots and lots of lies</p>
+<p class="i8">(<i>Mon Dieu!</i>)</p>
+<p><i>Les ennemies oreilles en &eacute;coutent!</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Henry (Watch Dog).</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/037.png"><img width="100%" src="images/037.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Fickle Young Thing</i> (<i>revisiting Tattooist</i>.)
+"<span class="sc">Er&mdash;do you think you could possibly alter this badge on my arm? You
+see, I've&mdash;er&mdash;exchanged into another regiment</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a report of <span class="sc">King Ferdinand's</span>
+address to the Sobranje:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The speech then exalts over victories won,
+and generally is couched in a rather orid
+strain."&mdash;<i>Cork Constitution.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Like everything else that <span class="sc">Ferdy</span> does.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>New Ideas for War Weddings.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The bride looked extremely well in a gown
+of ivory crepe-de-chene, trimmed with filet lace
+and ivory aeroplane. Her hat was of gathered
+aeroplane, adorned with real ospreys."</p>
+
+<p><i>Times of Ceylon.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The ceremony and congratulations being
+of smilax and pom pom'mums."</p>
+
+<p><i>Wiarton Echo (Canada).</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The public simply hand in the order and
+cash to any tobacconist, with the name of the
+man to whom the cigarettes are to be sent,
+and the welcome gift will reach Tommy in
+time for Christmas."</p>
+
+<p><i>Advt. in Morning Paper, Dec. 31st, 1915.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Unless, as we all hope, Tommy is at
+home again before that.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Another Crisis Averted.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Our London Correspondent says that he
+has offered to resign, but the Prime Minister
+refused to accept his resignation."</p>
+
+<p><i>Cork Examiner.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span>
+
+<h2>MY BIRTHDAY.</h2>
+
+<p>"My birthday," I said, "is setting in with its usual
+severity."</p>
+
+<p>"What," said Francesca, "has driven you to this terrible
+conclusion?"</p>
+
+<p>"Little signs; straws showing how the wind blows."</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder," she said, "how that came to be a proverb.
+Personally I don't keep packets of straws to test the wind
+by, and I never met anybody else who did. Handkerchiefs
+are much more certain, and men's hats are best of all."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said, "when I see my hat starting full tilt
+on an excursion I always know which way the wind is
+blowing right enough. Tell me, Francesca, why does a
+man's hat, when it's blown off, always bring up in a
+puddle?"</p>
+
+<p>"And get run over by a butcher's cart?"</p>
+
+<p>"And why does everybody laugh at the hat's owner?"</p>
+
+<p>"And why does the boy who brings it back to you
+expect payment for the miserable and useless object?"</p>
+
+<p>"And where," I said, "does the owner disappear to
+afterwards? You never see a man with a hat on his head
+that's been run over&mdash;no, I mean, with a hat that's been
+run over on his head&mdash;no, no, I mean, with a hat that's
+been run over off his head&mdash;Francesca, I give it up; I shall
+never get that sentence right, but you know what I mean.
+Anyhow I will put the dreadful vision by. What was I
+talking about when this hat calamity broke in?"</p>
+
+<p>"You had made," said Francesca, "a cold and distant
+allusion to your birthday. It's coming to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "it can come if it likes, but I shall refuse
+to receive it. I don't want it. I'm quite old enough
+without it. At my age people don't have birthdays. They
+just go on living, and other people say how wonderful they
+are for their years, and they must be sixty if they're a day,
+but nobody would think so, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And that it's all due to early rising and regular habits."</p>
+
+<p>"And smoking and partial abstemiousness."</p>
+
+<p>"And general good conduct. But you can have all that
+sort of praise and yet celebrate your birthday."</p>
+
+<p>"But I tell you I won't have my birthday celebrated.
+Those are my orders."</p>
+
+<p>"Orders?" she said. "People don't give orders about
+absurdities like that."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said, "they do; but their orders are not obeyed.
+There's Frederick, for instance. He's only eight, I know,
+but he's got something up his sleeve. He asked me
+yesterday if I could lend him threepence, and did I think
+that a small notebook with a pencil would be a nice present
+for a sort of uncle on his birthday&mdash;not a father, mind you,
+but an uncle. There's a Machiavelli for you."</p>
+
+<p>"And what did you say?"</p>
+
+<p>"I told him I had never met an uncle who didn't adore
+notebooks, but that few fathers really appreciated them;
+and then he countered me. He said he had noticed that
+many fathers were uncles too."</p>
+
+<p>"That child," said Francesca, "will be a Lord Chancellor.
+He'd look splendid on a woolsack."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, later on. At present his legs would dangle a bit,
+wouldn't they?"</p>
+
+<p>"They're very-well-shaped legs, anyhow. Any Lord
+Chancellor would be proud to possess them."</p>
+
+<p>"To resume," I said, "about the birthday. There's
+Alice too. She's engaged on some nefarious scheme with a
+paint-box and a sheet of paper. It's directed at me, I
+know, because, whenever I approach her, things have to
+be hustled away or covered up. However, it's all useless.
+My mind's made up. I will <i>not</i> have a birthday."</p>
+
+<p>"You can't prevent it, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I can," I said. "It's mine, and if I decide not to
+have it nobody can make me."</p>
+
+<p>"But isn't that rather selfish?"</p>
+
+<p>"It can't be selfish of me to deprive myself of a birthday."</p>
+
+<p>"But you're depriving the children of it, and that's
+worse than selfish. It's positively heartless."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, then, I'm heartless. At any rate my orders
+are that there shall be no birthday; and don't you forget it,
+or, rather, forget it as hard as ever you can."</p>
+
+<p>"I can't hold out the least prospect that your suggestion
+will meet with favourable consideration."</p>
+
+<p>The birthday duly arrived, and I went down to breakfast.
+As I entered the room a shout of applause broke from the
+already assembled family. "Look at your place," said
+Frederick. I did, and beheld on the table a collection of
+unaccustomed articles. There was a box of chocolates
+from Muriel and Nina; there was a note-book with an
+appropriate pencil. "That," said Frederick, "is for Cousin
+Herbert's uncle. Ha, ha!" And there was, from Alice,
+a painted Calendar fit to hang on any wall. It represents
+a Tartar nobleman haughtily walking in a green meadow,
+with a background of snow-capped mountains. He has a
+long pig-tail and a black velvet cap with a puce knob.
+His trousers are blue striped with purple. He has a long
+blue cloak decorated with red figures, and his carmine
+train is borne by a juvenile page dressed in a short orange-coloured
+robe. It is a very magnificent design, and on
+the back of it is written:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"This is but a Birthday rhyme</p>
+<p>Written in this dark War-time.</p>
+<p>We can't afford to waste our ink,</p>
+<p>And so I'll quickly stop, I think."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Thus I was compelled to have a birthday after all.</p>
+
+<p>R. C. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO LUCASTA, FROM THE WARS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Perusing the epistles I devotedly indite</p>
+<p>You long, I know, Lucasta dear, to see me as I write;</p>
+<p>Your fancy paints my portrait framed in hectic scenes of war&mdash;</p>
+<p>I'll try to show you briefly what my circumstances are.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Your swain is now a troglodyte; as in a dungeon deep</p>
+<p>He who so worshipped stars and you must write and eat and sleep;</p>
+<p>Like some swart djinnee of the mine your sunshine-loving slave</p>
+<p>Builds airy castles, meet for two, 'neath candles in a cave.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Above, the sky is very grey, the world is very damp,</p>
+<p>His light the sun denies by day, the moon by night her lamp;</p>
+<p>Across the landscape soaked and sad the dull guns answer back,</p>
+<p>And through the twilight's futile hush spasmodic rifles crack.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The papers haven't come to-day to show how England feels;</p>
+<p>The hours go lame and languidly between our Spartan meals;</p>
+<p>We've written letters till we're tired, with not a thing to tell</p>
+<p>Except that nothing's doing, weather beastly, writer well.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So when you feel for us out here&mdash;as well I know you will&mdash;</p>
+<p>Then sympathise with thousands for their country sitting still;</p>
+<p>Don't picture battle-pieces by the lurid Press adored,</p>
+<p>But miles and miles of Britishers, in burrows, badly bored!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/039.png"><img width="100%" src="images/039.png" alt=""/></a><h3>WAR ECONOMY.</h3>
+<p><i>Mistress (to chauffeur, who is crawling down-hill).</i> "<span class="sc">Why are
+you driving so slowly?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Chauffeur</i> (<i>ex-coachman</i>). "<span class="sc">Well, Ma'am, you told me to
+be as economical as possible these times, so I was puttin' the brake on
+to make the down-'ill last as long as possible."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Narcissus</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>), by Miss <span class="sc">Viola Meynell</span>, is one of
+those books for which I cannot help feeling that my appreciation
+would have been keener two years ago than is
+possible to-day. It is the story of the growth to manhood
+of two brothers, <i>Victor</i> and <i>Jimmy</i>, who live with their
+widowed mother in an outer suburb of London. That
+there is art, very subtle and delicate art, in the telling of it
+goes without saying. The characters of the brothers are
+realized with exquisite care. <i>Victor</i>, the elder, uncertain,
+violently sensitive and emotional, seeking always from life
+what he is never destined (at least so far as the present
+story carries him) to attain; <i>Jimmy</i>, placid, shallow,
+avoiding all emotion, attracting happiness like a magnet.
+Nothing, I repeat, could be better done in its kind than
+the pictures of these two, and of the not very interesting
+crowd of young persons among whom they move. But, for
+all its real beauty of style, I have to confess that the book
+left me cold, and even a little irritated. Perhaps we demand
+something more from our heroes these days than susceptibility,
+or indifference, to emotion. Was the purpose of
+life, one wonders, ever as delicately elusive as these bewildered
+young men seem to find it? I kept longing for
+Lord <span class="sc">Derby</span>. Perhaps, again, this is but part of the cleverness
+of the writer, and Miss <span class="sc">Meynell</span>, like the child in
+the poem, only does it to annoy. But I hardly think so.
+Her tenderness and sympathy for <i>Victor</i> especially are
+obvious. He, I take it, is <i>Narcissus</i> (though <i>Narcissi</i> would
+have been a truer title for the book, as each of the brothers
+is more in love with his own reflection than with anything
+else), and, since he is left unmarried at the close of the
+volume, I derived some quiet satisfaction from the thought
+that modified conscription might yet make a man of him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Why will the heroes of historical fiction persist in that
+dangerous practice of leaving an angry and overmastered
+villain bound to a tree to await death or rescue? The
+result is rescue every time, and one way and another a
+mort of trouble for the good characters. Still it may be
+argued that if the protagonist of <i>The Fortunes of Garin</i>
+(<span class="sc">Constable</span>) had not followed this risky precedent those
+fortunes would not have led him where they eventually
+did, and we should have missed one of the best costume
+novels of the year. Miss <span class="sc">Mary Johnston</span> is among the
+very few waiters whom I can follow without weariness
+through the mazes of medi&aelig;valism.  This tale of the
+adventures of a knight and a lady in the days when
+<span class="sc">Henry II.</span> sat on the throne of England, and his son
+<span class="sc">Richard</span> princed it in Angoul&ecirc;me, is told with an air
+that lifts it out of tushery into romance. She wields a
+picturesque and courtly style, sometimes indeed a trifle
+too charged with metaphor to be altogether manageable
+(as for example when she speaks of "pouring oil upon the
+red embers of a score unpaid"), but for the most part
+admirably pleasing to the ear. Her antique figures are
+alive; and the whole tale goes forward with a various and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span>
+high-stepping movement and a glow of colour that reminded
+me of nothing more than that splendid pageant one follows
+round the walls of the Riccardi Palace in Florence. Of
+course the journey ends in lovers' meeting and the teaching
+of his place to the evil-minded. The fact that this latter
+was called <i>Jaufre</i>, a name that I would wish kindlier
+entreated, is almost my only complaint against a lively
+and entertaining story which more than once rises to real
+beauty.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Given a plot of the conventional order I dare say it is
+best to make very little fuss or mystery about it. So, at
+any rate, "<span class="sc">Katharine Tynan</span>" seems to think, for after about
+page 32 of her latest book, <i>Since First I Saw Your Face</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>), there is really almost no guessing left to do,
+the authoress seeming principally concerned to ensure a
+smooth passage for one's prophecies. Thus, while the unknown
+son of a secret marriage,
+happening by good luck to
+thrash the ostensible claimant
+to the title and heroine, gets
+that successful start in the early
+pages that is so necessary to
+his happiness in the last, and
+the lady never really looks like
+straying far into disconcerting
+opinions of her own, even the
+rival himself obliges us by
+throwing up the sponge just
+when the game should really
+begin. All this is soothing
+enough, but it is also very thin
+stuff; and the addition of a
+ghostly ancestress, who lures
+her descendants to midnight
+assignations by smiling at them
+out of a <span class="sc">Lely</span> painting, does
+not stiffen things much. The
+fact is that away from such a
+purely Irish subject as, say,
+"Countrymen All," Mrs. <span class="sc">Hinkson</span>
+really has not much to tell.
+Sweeney's New York Stores do
+not harmonise at all well with her
+atmosphere of wistful tragedy.
+The effect suggests a soap-bubble
+trying to cake-walk.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When cattle-ships put forth to sea</p>
+<p class="i2">From Montreal across the Atlantic,</p>
+<p>The life on board would not suit me,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor you, I think. The cattle frantic,</p>
+<p>The tough steel plates beneath the might</p>
+<p class="i2">Of crashing waters well-nigh riven&mdash;</p>
+<p>Ugh! Here it is in black and white,</p>
+<p class="i2">Clearly described by <span class="sc">Frederick Niven</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Published by <span class="sc">Heinemann</span> (six bob),</p>
+<p class="i2">The book relates the ceaseless battle</p>
+<p>Which they must wage whose steady job</p>
+<p class="i2">Is valeting a mob of cattle;</p>
+<p>And yet they pant to get a ship,</p>
+<p class="i2">For jobs the owners they importune</p>
+<p>At&mdash;mark you this!&mdash;one pound the trip!</p>
+<p class="i2">I wouldn't do it for a fortune.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It's just a tale of common men,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who never went to school or college,</p>
+<p>Writ by a skilled and practised pen</p>
+<p class="i2">Most certainly from first-hand knowledge;</p>
+<p>It has no very obvious plan,</p>
+<p class="i2">No movement, no connected story;</p>
+<p>And yet I don't see how you can</p>
+<p class="i2">Fail to enjoy The <i>S.S. Glory</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>You'll meet some men you're sure to like&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Men who would greet you as a brother;</p>
+<p>One is that honest fellow, <i>Mike</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">And <i>Cockney</i>, possibly, another;</p>
+<p>Unpolished, quick to wrath and slow,</p>
+<p class="i2">When roused, to lay aside their cholor,</p>
+<p>Yet are they types you ought to know</p>
+<p class="i2">As well as did the hero, <i>Scholar</i>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/040.png"><img width="100%" src="images/040.png" alt=""/></a><p>THE UNINTERNED PERIL IN OUR MIDST.</p>
+
+<p>Portrait of Herr Pfunk ("Sister Susie"), who edits "Our
+Mites' Corner" in the well-known weekly, <i>Mum's Pets</i>, and
+also conducts a column of "Hints to Mothers," which is
+having an alarming effect on infant mortality.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In an eloquent foreword to <i>The Queen's Gift Book</i>,
+(<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>), we are told by Mr. <span class="sc">Galsworthy</span>
+that it is "in the nature of a hat passed round, into which,
+God send, many hundred thousand
+coins may be poured."
+The coin that we are asked to
+put into what I hope will be a
+very widely circulating hat is
+half-a-crown, and whatever you
+may or may not think of Gift
+Books I can promise you that
+in this instance to pay your
+money is to get its worth. It
+is true that some of the contributors
+have given us work that
+we have already had an opportunity
+to know; but even here
+I am not grumbling, for among
+the stories that have already
+been published is Mr. <span class="sc">Leonard
+Merrick's</span> "The Fairy Poodle,"
+a tale so full of sparkle that
+the oftener I see it the better
+I shall be pleased. All tastes,
+however, are catered for. You
+can read tales by Sir <span class="sc">J. M.
+Barrie</span> or Mr. <span class="sc">Joseph Hocking</span>,
+verses by Sir <span class="sc">Arthur Conan
+Doyle</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">John Oxenham</span> or
+Mrs. <span class="sc">Henry de la Pasture</span>,
+sketches by Mr. <span class="sc">Conrad</span> or
+"<span class="sc">Sapper</span>."  But I advise you to
+read the lot. An especial word
+of praise is, I feel, due to Mr. <span class="sc">John Buchan</span> for a tale
+humorous enough in its dry way to squeeze a smile from a
+mummy, and to the artists who have helped to make this
+Gift the success that it is. In short, the book is good,
+nearly as good as the object for which it has been
+published. "In aid," we read on the cover, "of Queen
+Mary's Convalescent Auxiliary Hospitals. For Soldiers
+and Sailors who have lost their limbs in the War." Here
+then, by helping to provide our maimed heroes with the
+best mechanical substitutes for the limbs which they have
+lost, is a chance for us to pay a little of the unpayable debt
+we owe to them. Mr. <span class="sc">Galsworthy</span> may rest assured that
+his appeal to "our honour in this matter" will not be
+made in vain.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>An extract from the Master of the <span class="sc">Temple's</span> sermon on
+"Muddling Through":&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"When we rejoiced at the efficiency of our Navy we too seldom
+recollected that it was primarily due to a superbly effective system of
+education built up by the efforts of a few great men loyally supported
+by enthusiastic insubordinates."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Nelson's</span> "blind eye" is not forgotten.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, January 12, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2089 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 12, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 12, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2007 [EBook #22672]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+
+
+January 12, 1916
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There is much satisfaction in the German Army at the announcement that
+iron coins to the value of ten million marks are to be substituted for
+nickel and copper. It is now hoped that those Crosses may yet prove to
+be worth something.
+
+       ***
+
+A resident of Honor Oak writes to the papers to say that such was the
+patriotic anxiety of people in his neighbourhood to pay their taxes at
+the earliest possible moment that he found a long queue before the
+collector's door on January 3rd and had to wait an hour before his turn
+came. On reading his letter several West-end theatres patriotically
+offered the collector the loan of their "House Full" boards.
+
+       ***
+
+Prince WILLIAM OF WIED, the ex-ruler of Albania, is at present in
+Serbia, feverishly awaiting restoration to his former dignity. The
+situation is not very favourable, however, and his German advisers have
+warned him to curb his Mpretuosity.
+
+       ***
+
+An American barque with a cargo of beans for Germany has been seized and
+unloaded by the Swedish authorities. A cruel fate seems to overtake
+every effort of the United States to give Germany these necessary
+commodities.
+
+       ***
+
+Among the suspicious articles discovered at the Bulgarian Consulate in
+Salonika was a large stock of red brassards. But the inference that they
+belonged to members of the British V.T.C., who were determined to fight
+for the enemy rather than not fight at all, is certainly premature.
+
+       ***
+
+Several inmates of the Swansea workhouse, having been told that
+margarine was to be served out instead of butter, returned their
+portions, only to discover that it was butter after all. As similar
+incidents have occurred in many other establishments it is suggested
+that margarine should in future be dyed scarlet or blue in order to
+prevent a repetition of these embarrassing contretemps.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir JOHN SIMON, in the debate on the Compulsion Bill, said that the
+alleged 650,000 slackers were arrived at "by subtracting two figures
+from one another." Everyone must agree with him that if that was the
+method employed the result would be "negligible."
+
+       ***
+
+In a tram-car in a Northern city, as the girl-conductor went round for
+fares, a "nut" tried to take a rise out of her by asking for a ticket to
+"Gallipoli." She charged him for the full length of the tram journey,
+and as soon as the tram arrived at a recruiting office she rang the bell
+and said, "You change here, Sir, for Gallipoli."
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER thinks it very mean of the British Government to turn his
+Corfu palace into a hospital. His submarine commanders are now wondering
+how to shell the inmates without damaging their master's property.
+
+       ***
+
+The Militant Suffragette who some years ago damaged the Velasquez Venus
+with an axe has just published a novel, of which the hero is a plumber
+who thought he was a poet. It ought to be called "The Burst Pipe," but
+isn't.
+
+       ***
+
+Women are now employed on some of the railways in the North. A traveller
+recently had two Tommies for fellow-passengers. They related that they
+had every week to take a long slow duty journey which was "the limit";
+but lately it had taken on a different aspect, for "_now_," said Tommy,
+"when you get too bored you just hop out and kiss the porter."
+
+       ***
+
+Extract from a letter written to a loved one from the Front:--
+
+    "I received your dear little note in a sandbag. You say that you
+    hope the sandbag stops a bullet. Well, to tell the truth, I hope
+    it don't, as I have been patching my trousers with it."
+
+       ***
+
+PRINCE VON BUELOW, who has been for some time in Switzerland, has
+obtained an increase in the number of his secretaries, of whom he now
+has a round dozen. Several of the poor fellows are suffering from
+writer's cramp through having to pen so many letters explaining that the
+Prince is at Lucerne purely for the sake of his health.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Fiery Major_ (_discussing delinquent Subaltern_). "But there--what can
+you expect? He's only one of those temporary blighters!"
+
+_Colonel_ (_sweetly_). "But isn't that better than being a permanent
+blighter?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BATTLE OF THE PASS.
+
+["This Bill was 'selling the pass.'"--_Sir William Byles, in the House,
+on The Military Service Bill_.]
+
+  "What though against our sacred front
+    They muster, miles on miles,
+  I am resolved to stick the brunt,"
+    Said bold HORATIUS BYLES;
+  "For Liberty I'll take my stand,
+    Just like a stout Berserk,
+  And still defend with bloody brand
+    Our glorious Right to Shirk.
+
+  "We've SIMON, worth four columns' length;
+    We've REDMOND, doughty dog;
+  THOMAS and those twin towers of strength,
+    PRINGLE and whole-souled HOGGE;
+  And OUTHWAITE--not our dearest foe,
+    Bulgar or Bosch or Turk,
+  Could wish to plant a ruder blow
+    For Britain's Right to Shirk.
+
+  "And, lastly, should the Tyrant storm
+    The pass for which we fight,
+  It must be o'er the riddled form
+    Of Me, the Champion Knight;
+  Meanwhile, on caitiffs who would keep
+    The pledge we bade them burke,
+  My lusty battle-cry shall leap:--
+    'God and our Right to Shirk!'"
+
+  The scrap was over. There he lay
+    Prone on the reeking grass;
+  "SIMON," his faint lips strove to say,
+    "Somebody's sold the pass!"
+  "True," said the other; "I descry
+    The NORTHCLIFFE'S hand at work."
+  "Farewell!" said BYLES; "'tis sweet to die
+    For Britain's Right to Shirk!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORLD WARFARE OF THE BRITISH FLEET.
+
+What it has done in 1915.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to Mr. ARCHIBALD HURD in "The Daily Telegraph._")
+
+Superiority, and again Superiority! In this one word lies the secret of
+our success at sea. Yet it would be hard to say how many careless
+civilians there are, taking all things for granted, who fail to
+recognise that fact even now. Not numbers nor organisation, nor men nor
+guns nor ships--though these have counted for something--have been
+responsible for our victory. It has been due above all to
+superiority--sheer superiority.
+
+Think what would have happened if there had been any strategic fumbling
+at the opening of the War! It is not pleasant to reflect upon what might
+have occurred (had not superiority stepped in) at the very outset if,
+for instance, we had sent several _Dreadnoughts_ to catch the _Emden_.
+It was strongly suspected, mind you, that there were German armed
+vessels on the trade routes. As one merchantman after another was sunk
+there could no longer be any doubt about it. What if, in panic, we had
+suddenly dispersed our naval force to every part of the globe? What
+then? But we didn't. What again if it had been determined, in accordance
+with some fanciful scheme, to concentrate our main striking force in the
+Mersey? Germany well might have captured the initiative. But authority
+was not distracted from its primary purpose. Was its policy a success?
+Come, now, was it?
+
+The old year has gone. On January 4th the British Fleet had been at war
+seventeen months--roughly seventy-four weeks (anyone can count them up;
+there is nothing abstruse about my statistics). In a word, it might
+almost be said, with some approach to accuracy, that it has been in the
+throes of the struggle for a year and a half. Very well.
+
+The German Flag has been banished from the ocean. Not since the War
+began has a German battleship steamed down the Channel--nor a battle
+cruiser, nor yet an armoured cruiser, nor even a light cruiser, nor a
+monitor, nor a destroyer. None of them--not one. Why is that? Because
+(_vide supra_) the German Fleet has been banished from the ocean. It
+still exists, but it is safely locked up behind explosive agents (mines)
+and protected by submersive factors (submarines). The German Fleet is in
+a zareba.
+
+Let us recall the striking words of one of Germany's leading naval
+strategists, written, mark you, before the War: "England's strength is
+mainly in her Fleet." I wonder now if that is generally known.
+
+He goes on to define the duties of a fleet in the following words:--
+
+(1) To avert invasion.
+(2) To keep the sea open for the arrival of imports;
+(3) And the departure of exports;
+(4) And for the exit of re-exports;
+(5) Also the entrance of re-imports.
+(6) To protect trade.
+
+Has the British Fleet succeeded?
+
+The German Flag is banished from the seas. In January 1916 the German
+Fleet is still lurking in that zareba. The _Dreadnought_ embodied an
+offensive _in excelsis_, even as the expansion of the _Dreadnought_
+policy embodies an offensive _in extenso_ and imposes upon the enemy a
+defensive _in extremis_.
+
+It is perhaps hardly realised that the performance of the British Navy
+in this War has no parallel in history. In the past, enemy frigates
+always succeeded in getting out of ports, however close the blockade.
+But none has broken through this time--not a single frigate. On the
+other hand enemy submarines may be said to have been more formidable
+than in the Napoleonic wars.
+
+But the German Fleet is strong. I am not one of the sort of humourists
+who hold it up to contempt in its inactivity. For that matter I am not
+any sort of humourist. Perhaps you have found that out. But the German
+High Seas Fleet is no fit subject for joke. That it has proved harmless
+is due to one thing alone--superiority.
+
+And so the War wags. All over the high seas our merchantmen continue to
+inscribe their indelible furrows.
+
+And where is the German Fleet? I think I have answered that.
+
+Here then I conclude my synopsis of the work of the Fleet in 1915. And
+if it be said that it might well have stood almost word for word as the
+record of the work of the Fleet in 1914, I may reply that I sometimes
+wistfully wonder if I shall have to make any alterations in the text
+before it goes to press again this time next year.
+
+Bis.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY EARLY VICTORIAN.
+
+    "Handsomely carved early Victorian sideboard, been in one family
+    for a century."--_Advt. in "Horncastle News."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech as reported by a morning paper:--
+
+    "We were quite ready to carry on the principle of keeping a
+    united nation by keeping in opposition and not facetiously
+    opposing the Government."
+
+Unlike those eminent humourists, Messrs. HOGGE, PRINGLE, and KING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING.
+
+Bosch (_with visions of the conquest of Egypt_). "I SUPPOSE HE KNOWS THE
+WAY THERE." Camel (_overhearing_). "_AND_ BACK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Harassed N.C.O._ "Call that 'presenting arms'! If I was
+the King and you presented arms like that, I'd--I'd throw my hat at
+you!" ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PESSIPHONE.
+
+It is weary work being a pessimist these days, for the process of
+corrugating the brow and groaning at the War news must of necessity
+entail much energy. For some time past it has been patent to sympathetic
+observers that what the pessimist to-day really needs is a machine to do
+the work for him.
+
+To meet this want the Electrophobia Syndicate have invented the
+Pessiphone--a mixture of gramophone and pessimist--believing that he who
+to-day can make two whimpers grow where one grew before deserves well of
+his country in war time. With the Pessiphone there is now absolutely no
+excuse for cheerfulness. It is the marvel of the age, and has very
+fittingly been described as worth a guinea a groan. With one pint of
+petrol the Pessiphone will disseminate more depression throughout the
+household in ten minutes than could be accomplished in a day by thirty
+human pessimists.
+
+As soon as people commence to be cheerful all you have to do is to press
+the button and hold on to something. A child can start it but nobody can
+stop it. Ten minutes is all that is sufficient to give a whole family
+melancholia or creeping dyspepsia. It has been known to be fatal at 200
+yards' range. Messrs. WILKIE BARD and _George Graves_ have already
+offered a heavy reward for the body dead or alive of the inventor--a
+fact which speaks highly for the machine and its maker.
+
+When the instrument was first tried on a select party of confirmed
+optimists two of them rushed out of the office and have not been heard
+of since, while the others clawed savagely at the office mat.
+
+No burglar will go near it. It will drive away rate-collectors and poor
+relations. One client has already used it on his mother-in-law with
+favourable results.
+
+The Pessiphone is fitted with a little oil-bath, all black fittings,
+self-starting lever, Stormy Arthur two-speed gear, thus rendering it
+easy of change from "Mildly Miserable" to "Devastating," and the whole
+is packed complete with accessories and delivered carriage free to your
+back garden, where it may be let loose.
+
+The following letters from grateful pessimists--all involuntary
+contributions--speak for themselves:--
+
+    Gentlemen,--For years I have been troubled with ginger hair, but
+    since using the Pessiphone I have had the beastly stuff turn
+    grey.
+
+    Dear Sirs,--I used to read _The Moaning Herald_ aloud each
+    morning, but I now use the Pessiphone with more deadly effect.
+
+    Householder writes: Please turn the Pessiphone off at the main.
+    None of my family has been able to get near the house for five
+    days.
+
+    Golder's Green says: The other day the butcher's boy, cheerful
+    as usual, was coming up the garden path whistling, and though it
+    may hardly seem credible this so affected the Pessiphone that it
+    actually jumped off the table and bit the boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHANGE OF CURE.
+
+    "The Infectious Diseases Hospital at Colchester has been
+    appointed to the vicarage of Hurst Green, Etchingham, Sussex."
+
+    _Essex and Halstead Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM A CHEMIST'S REMINISCENCES:--
+
+    "In the early part of the last century the sale of leeches was
+    one of the most important. Doctors bled their patients for every
+    imaginable ailment. To-day all that we can say of leeches is
+    that we just keep them."--_Observer_.
+
+As pets, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RULES FOR HERO-NAILERS.
+
+The following notice appears daily in the _Wilhelmshavener Tageblatt._
+
+The statue to which it refers, known as "The Trusty Look-Out,"
+represents a seaman in oilskins looking out over the North Sea. The face
+is that of VON TIRPITZ.
+
+    The Trusty Look-out.
+
+    Nails may be driven into the statue on week-days between 11 and
+    1, and on Sundays between 10 and 5. The sale of tickets for
+    Nails and Shields takes place at the Treasury of the Town Hall
+    during office hours, and also at the time for driving in Nails
+    on the spot.
+
+    Further, tickets for iron Nails may be bought in the following
+    shops: (_here follows a list of three booksellers, one general
+    store and six tobacco shops_).
+
+    The prices are fixed at:--
+
+      0.50 m. for an iron Nail.
+      5.00 m. for a silver Nail.
+      10.00 m. for a small gold Nail.
+      20.00 m. for a larger gold Nail.
+
+    Anyone who buys 100, 200, 300 or 400 marks' worth of iron Nails
+    receives a silver Shield with a corresponding inscription;
+    similarly, a gold Shield for iron Nails to the value of 500 and
+    more marks. Whoever changes a 10 mark gold piece receives an
+    iron Nail free.
+
+    For the purpose of preparing inscriptions on Shields the date on
+    which it is proposed to drive in the Nails must be notified at
+    the Treasury three days in advance.
+
+    If clubs, societies, or other collections of people wish to
+    drive in their Nails in private parties they are requested to
+    get into touch with the Municipal Architect, Mr. Zopff, with a
+    view to fixing the day and hour, in order that no delay may be
+    caused by overcrowding.
+
+    _Wilhelmshaven_, 12_th December_, 1915.
+
+    For the Municipal Council.
+
+    (Signed) Bartelt.
+
+Not in a spirit of carping criticism, but as earnest admirers of German
+forethought and thoroughness (_Gruendlichkeit_), we feel it our duty to
+point out that there are a few contingencies for which these otherwise
+admirable regulations fail to provide, and we beg leave to suggest to
+the Municipal Council of Wilhelmshaven the following additions:--
+
+(1) It is unpatriotic and un-German to spend more time than necessary in
+driving in nails, as standing-room, the number of hammers and the
+patience of the officials are all limited.
+
+(2) The limit of time allowed for driving in one nail is one minute, for
+a silver nail two minutes, for a small gold nail two and a-half minutes
+and for a large gold nail three minutes.
+
+(3) If in any case the time-limit is exceeded the Municipal nail-driver
+will displace the person whose lack of skill is responsible for the
+delay and will drive home the offending nail himself.
+
+(4) If any person offers resistance to this procedure he or she will be
+nailed to the statue by the Municipal nail-driver as a warning to
+others. A large _iron_ nail will be used for this purpose, the charge
+for which will be added to the death-duties.
+
+(5) It is unpatriotic and un-German to use bad language when driving in
+nails. However, in view of the well-known tenderness of the human heart
+and the high state of nervous tension in which many persons of an ardent
+patriotic disposition may be expected to perform this supreme act of
+symbolic devotion, those who drive in iron nails will be allowed to
+swear once for each nail, or seven times for half-a-dozen nails, whilst
+a higher proportion of swear words will be allowed for silver and gold
+nails, on the progressive lines laid down in (2).
+
+(6) Anyone exceeding the patriotic limit of bad language will be dealt
+with by the Municipal nail-driver as in (4).
+
+(7) Classes of instruction in nail-driving will be held in the Town-hall
+daily between 10 and 11 A.M. (Sundays excepted).
+
+(8) Persons who wish to be photographed in the act of nail-driving must
+give notice to the Municipal photographer two days in advance. The cost
+of the photograph will naturally be in inverse proportion to the value
+of the nail which is driven in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Bejabers! If you're gettin' on, I'm gettin' off!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Hon. John Fellowes Wallop, of Barton House, Morchard Bishop,
+    brother and heir-presumptive of the Earl of Portsmouth, entered
+    his 57th pear on Monday."
+
+                _Western Times._
+
+We congratulate him on his digestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NIGHT OPERATIONS.
+
+"Storm or no storm," said Charles, "as a medical man I can't stick this
+fug any longer."
+
+He disappeared behind the heavy anti-Zepp curtains and opened the
+window. A piercing draught caught the back of Bill's neck and he sat up.
+
+"Look here," he said crossly, "this is no night for a poor Special to go
+out in. Can't I send a medical certificate instead?"
+
+"You cannot," replied Charles. "I will not be a party to such evasions."
+
+"It's pouring with rain and blowing a gale. No Zepp ever hatched would
+come over to-night."
+
+"That's not the point, Bill." Kit unexpectedly opened one eye. "How are
+Charles and I to sleep soundly in our warm beds unless we know you're
+outside, guarding us?"
+
+"That's right," growled Bill. "Hub it in. Your turn to-morrow, anyway."
+
+The other two sang the praises of bed in fervent antistrophe till at
+last Bill rose with a groan and assumed his overcoat, badge and
+truncheon. He stopped at the door.
+
+"Charles," said he, "if after this night's work I die of bronchial
+catarrh, unzepp'd, unhonoured and unsung----"
+
+"Good night, dear old thing," interposed Charles sweetly. "Run away and
+play, there's a good child; Uncle's tired."
+
+He disappeared to bed.
+
+An hour later he was awakened by a tremendous knocking at the
+front-door. Resolutely turning on to his other side, he tried to ignore
+it, but the fusillade continued and swelled. Only when it appeared
+likely to do permanent and irreparable damage to the building did he
+rush out on to the landing. There he met Kit, half awake, with his
+eyelids tightly gummed together.
+
+"That ass Bill," he said peevishly. "Forgotten his latchkey most likely.
+Serve him right if we left him there!"
+
+"My good man, one must sleep."
+
+Charles ran downstairs, opened the door and indignantly confronted the
+glistening figure on the steps.
+
+"It is my duty to warn you, Sir," said William's voice in an official
+but triumphant tone, "that one of your downstairs windows has been left
+open. Most dangerous. Also," he added quickly, "that I am authorised to
+use my truncheon in self-defence, and that anything you say may be used
+as evidence against you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNRULY BRITANNIA.
+
+Dear Mr. Punch,--I see that Canon MASTERMAN, in his Presidential Address
+to the Members of the Teachers' Guild of Great Britain and Ireland,
+delivered yesterday week, observed that the German teacher had been the
+servant of the State; his function had been to foster love for the
+Fatherland. But, he continued, "that love was degraded by jealousy,
+distrust and arrogance. The spirit that breathed through our 'Rule,
+Britannia!' was corrected in our national life by our sense of humour
+and self-criticism." How true and how necessary! It is indeed surprising
+to me that no one has said it before. Why should we dwell on the
+greatness of our sea-power and proclaim our resolve not to be slaves? I
+have always understood, in spite of the view of Sir HENRY NEWBOLT, that
+DRAKE was nothing more than a buccaneer. The public utterance of such
+sentiments is surely prejudicial to "moral uplift," and, in the
+memorable words of _Mr. Pecksniff_, is "Pagan, I regret to say."
+
+It seems to me that the time has now come when, in the interests of
+reticence and humanity, a serious attempt should be made to revise our
+so-called patriotic songs, and, though fully conscious of my own
+literary shortcomings, I cannot refrain from suggesting, by the
+following examples, the lines on which such revision might be profitably
+carried out. For instance, the refrain of "Rule, Britannia!" would be
+shorn of its thrasonical quality and rendered suitable for use in
+elementary schools if it took the following form:--
+
+  "Curb, Britannia, Britannia curb thy pride;
+  True Britons never, never, never PUT ON SIDE."
+
+Another song which clamours for drastic revision is "The British
+Grenadiers." I cannot help thinking that it would be greatly improved if
+it were remodelled thus:--
+
+  "Some talk of ALEXANDER, and some of HERCULES,
+  Of HECTOR and LYSANDER, and warriors such as these;
+  But infinitely greater than the stroke of any sword
+  Is the pow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow of WILSON and of FORD."
+
+There are many other standard songs and poems which could be dealt with
+in similar salutary fashion, but I am content to leave the task to
+others, and will content myself with the following original lines,
+which, whatever may be said of their form, have, at any rate, the root
+of the matter in them:--
+
+  "The men who made our Empire great
+    Have long ago received their meed;
+  Then why the tale reiterate?
+    Self-criticism now we need.
+
+  Then, O my brethren, lest you stumble
+    Look carefully before you leap;
+  Be modest, moderate and 'umble--
+    Like the immortal Mr. Heep."
+
+Once more and in conclusion:--
+
+  "Let us be humorous, but never swankful--
+    Swank mars the finer fibres of the soul--
+  For what we have achieved devoutly thankful,
+    But disinclined our prowess to extol;
+  And, when our foemen bang the drum and bump it,
+    In silence be our disapproval shown;
+  'Tis nobler far to blow another's trumpet
+    Than to perform fantasias on your own."
+
+I am, dear Mr. Punch,
+
+Yours earnestly,
+
+CHADLEY BANDMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor_ (_to would-be recruit, whipper-in to the
+Blankshires_). "Sorry I can't pass you, my man. You've got an enlarged
+heart."
+
+_Recruit._ "Squire always says as you couldn't have too big an 'eart to
+ride over a country on war-time 'osses."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR EXPERTS.
+
+    "There are still three gaps in the trunk line through Asia Minor
+    to Baghdad, but these will be filled in during the course of
+    next year, and unless we can reach the city before the Germans,
+    they will certainly reach it before us."
+
+    _Truth_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One of Mr. Copeland's ancestors, Sir John Copeland, who
+    captured David, King of Scotland, with 40,000 troops at the
+    battle of Neville's Cross, after lodging the latter in Carlisle
+    Castle, proceeded to France, to report the event to the King,
+    who knighted him at Calais and conferred on him the Barony of
+    Kendal."--_Carlisle Journal._
+
+In these days he would have been fined for overcrowding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE.
+
+Once upon a time a rash man, wishing who knows for what?--possibly a
+peerage, possibly to be relieved of superfluous cash and so no longer
+have to pay super-tax, possibly for the mere joy of pulling
+wires--decided to start a newspaper.
+
+After much consultation the plans were complete in every particular save
+one. The premises were taken, the staff appointed, the paper, ink and so
+forth contracted for, the office girls and lift girls were engaged, the
+usual gifted and briefless barrister was installed as editor, and the
+necessary Cabinet Minister willing to reveal secrets was obtained.
+Everything, in short, that a successful newspaper at the present time
+could possibly require was ready, when it was suddenly remembered that
+no provision had been made for a daily supply of pictures. A popular
+paper without pictures being such a crazy anomaly, a pictorial editor
+was instantly advertised for.
+
+"Well," said the editor to the applicant for the post, "give me an idea
+of your originality and resource in the choice of topical photographs."
+
+"I think you can rely on me to be original," said the young man, "and
+not only original but revolutionary. I have thought about it all a lot,
+and I have made some discoveries. My notion is that the public wants to
+be 'in' all that is happening. Nothing's beneath their notice; their
+eyes want food to feast on all the time."
+
+"Go on," said the editor; "you interest me strangely."
+
+"The function of the camera, as I conceive it," the young man explained,
+"is to serve as the handmaid of the fountain-pen. Together they are
+terrific--a combination beyond resistance. That perhaps is the chief of
+the inspirations which much pondering has brought me. One must always be
+fortifying the other. People not only want to read of a thing, they come
+to see it, and very rightly. Here is an example. We are gradually
+getting shorter and shorter of messengers, so much so that many
+shopkeepers no longer are able to send purchases home. That means that
+people must carry them themselves. Now what more interesting, valuable
+or timely picture could you have than a photograph of a customer
+carrying, say, a loaf of bread--a picture of the unfortunate victim of
+the KAISER in the very act of having to do something for himself? How
+that brings it home to us!"
+
+"By Jove, yes," said the editor, deeply impressed.
+
+"I could arrange for someone to be taken just leaving the shop," the
+applicant went on; "and I would put underneath something about the
+straits to which the War has brought shoppers."
+
+"Capital!" said the editor. "Go on."
+
+"Then I have noticed," said the youth, "that people are interested in
+photographs of musical-comedy and revue actresses."
+
+"I believe you may be right," the editor remarked pensively.
+
+"So I would arrange for a steady series of these ladies, which not only
+would delight the public but might be profitable to the advertisement
+revenue of the paper if properly managed; for I should state what plays
+they were in, and where."
+
+"A great idea," said the editor.
+
+"But I should not," the young man continued, "merely give that
+information beneath. I should add something topical, such as 'who has
+just received an admiring letter from a stranger at the Front'; 'who
+spends her spare time knitting for our brave lads'; 'whose latest song
+is whistled in trench and camp'; 'who confesses to a great admiration
+for Khaki,' and so on. In this way you get a War interest, and every one
+is the better for looking at some pictures. Nothing is so elevating as
+the constant spectacle of young women with insufficient noses."
+
+"Marvellous!" exclaimed the editor. "But what of the War itself?"
+
+"Ah, yes, I was coming to that," the young man went on. "I have a strong
+conviction--I may be wrong, but I think not--that war-pictures are
+popular, and I have noticed that one soldier astonishingly resembles
+another. This is a priceless discovery, as I will show. I would
+therefore get all the groups of soldiers that I could take in open
+country wherever it was most convenient to my operator, and I would
+label them according to recent events. For example, I would call one
+group--and understand that they would all have non-committal
+backgrounds--'A wayside chat near Salonica'; another, 'A Tommy narrating
+the story of his escape from a Jack Johnson'; a third, 'A hurried lunch
+somewhere in France'; a fourth, 'How the new group of Lord DERBY'S men
+will look after a few weeks'; a fifth, 'Our brave lads leaving Flanders
+on short leave'; and so on."
+
+"But you are a genius!" exclaimed the editor, surprised into enthusiasm.
+
+"As for the rest of the pictures," said the applicant, "I have perhaps
+peculiar views, but I hold that they ought to be photographs of Members
+of Parliament walking to or from the House of Commons, a profoundly
+interesting phase of modern life too little touched upon; photographs of
+the _fiancees_ of soldiers, of whom it does not matter if no one had
+ever heard before, engagements being of the highest importance,
+especially at a time when marriage is a state duty. So much for the
+staple of the picture-page, which I trust you do not consider too
+daring."
+
+"Daring, perhaps," said the editor, "but not excessively so, and one
+must be both nowadays. One must innovate."
+
+"And then," pursued the youth, "for padding--though padding of course
+only to the experts, not to the great hungry asinine public--anything
+can be rendered serviceable provided that the words beneath are adroit
+enough. Thus, a view of Westminster Abbey would be 'The architectural
+jewel of England which the Zeppelins have in vain tried to bomb'; a view
+of Victoria Station, 'The terminus at which every day and night,
+thousands of homing Tommies are welcomed'; any picture of a dog or cat
+or canary or parrot would bear a legend to the effect that all our brave
+lads love pets and are never so happy as when accompanied by a favourite
+animal; while any maritime scene would be certainly related to a recent
+submarine outrage, the Almighty in His infinite wisdom and prevision
+having made all expanses of ocean look alike."
+
+"You are certainly," said the editor, "a very original and enterprising
+young man and I have great pleasure in engaging you to enrich our
+sheet."
+
+But when the paper came out the picture page was found to differ in no
+single respect from the other picture pages in the other dailies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY REPRISALS.
+
+Nearly three years ago Mr. E. C. BENTLEY wrote an excellent detective
+story called _Trent's Last Case_. We now see amongst the latest literary
+announcements, _Bentley's Conscience_, by PAUL TRENT.
+
+This retaliation prepares us for a whole series of recriminatory works
+of fiction. Among those shortly to be expected are the following:--
+
+_The Delusions of Doyle_, by ANTHONY HOPE, and _Hope's Hallucinations_,
+by CONAN DOYLE.
+
+_Hewlett's Downfall_, by G. K. CHESTERTON, and _Chesterton's
+Catastrophe_, by MAURICE HEWLETT.
+
+_The Curse of Cain_, by MARIE CORELLI, and _Marie the Malevolent_, by
+HALL CAINE.
+
+_Dexter Street_, by COMPTON MACKENZIE, and _The Meanderings of
+MacKenzie_, by G. S. STREET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD-FASHIONED PLAYGOER VISITS A MODERN REVUE.
+
+[Illustration: "Aha! Best seat in the house. Third row of stalls--next
+to gangway. I'm going to enjoy myself."
+
+Act I. Scene I.
+
+Scene II.
+
+Scene III.
+
+Act II. Scene I.
+
+"I say--do you think you could change my stall for a quiet chair on the
+stage?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Clubwoman._ "I noticed you talking to that old
+bore. Did she get on to her ailments?"
+
+_Second Clubwoman._ "Yes. You might almost call it an organ recital."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF HEADS.
+
+After nine o'clock parade on that memorable morning the Sergeant-Major
+spoke to this effect: Though he, the Sergeant-Major, was new to the
+unit, he could and would make it plain that It Would Not Do. Had he
+taken up his duties in a dashed glee club or in a blanked choral
+society, he wanted to know? Though he had tried hard not to, he had been
+forced to admit that It was d----d disgraceful. He had never, he
+reflected aloud, seen anything like it during an active army existence
+that had provided many shocking sights. And he opined that there would
+be fatigues and C.B.s and court-martials and shootings-at-dawn if It
+continued. He was good, even for a Sergeant-Major.
+
+The trouble was the hairs of the heads of the unit. And though he had
+rightly got the unit by the hairs which should have been short we felt
+it to be exceeding the limit on his part to refer to us as blanked
+musicians. Moreover, the band were most annoyed about it.
+
+The Sergeant-Major paused to reflect, and to arrange matters with what
+he imagined was a sense of justice.
+
+Though, he continued bitterly, we _were_ more like a Spillikins Circle
+than an Army unit, he would, from sheer native kindness of heart, save
+us the imminent gibbet or the burial by a trench-digging party which
+awaited us. He would merely illustrate our manifold faults by taking the
+case of No. 3 in the rear rank.
+
+"Please, Sir----" This from the outraged No. 3.
+
+Silence must be observed. There was no excuse for the state of No. 3's
+hair. Here in camp (coldly), though we _were_ five miles from a town, we
+had a barber, and by all report, though he had been there but two days,
+an excellent barber. No. 3, rear rank, did not appear to know this.
+
+"Sir----"
+
+Silence in the ranks. Not only was the living presence of a most
+valuable functionary stultified by No. 3, but he, like all his slack
+kind, must babble on parade. He, the S.-M., would do all the talking
+necessary. But even if No. 3 thought he _was_ back in his local Debating
+Society even then he need not wear his hair long. The others might look
+at him to see what an unclipped man could come to, and afterwards show
+him the Barber's Tent.
+
+A ripple went along the ranks, and No. 3's arms shot up despairingly.
+
+There need be no demonstration, and No. 3 should remember that he was on
+parade and furthermore was standing at attention. He had had no orders
+to practise semaphore signalling.
+
+Well, perhaps (grudgingly) he had now given the unit some faint inkling
+of his feelings on the matter. If at any time in the future a long hair
+was found on a man in his unit, etc., etc. (eleven minutes).
+
+He would now condescend to hear any excuse that No. 3, rear rank, had to
+offer, so that he would be able to remark upon its utter worthlessness.
+Now, No. 3.
+
+"Please, Sir," viciously, "I'm the barber."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "For fifteen years, he [Sir William Osler] said, the slowly
+    evolving, sprightly race of boys should dwell in a Garden of
+    Eden, such as that depicted by the poet.
+
+    During this decisive period a boy was an irresponsible, yet
+    responsible creature, a mental and moral comedian taking the
+    colour of his environment."--_Daily Mirror._
+
+We fancy that Sir WILLIAM really said "chameleon," but most
+schoolmasters will think that the other word is just as good.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CRACK OF DOOM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+[Illustration: _Paddy._ "I'll not have conscription."
+
+_Premier._ "That's all right. You're left out of it."
+
+_Paddy._ "Is it lave me out of it? Another injustice to th' ould
+Counthry!"]
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday, January 4th._--This is the PERTINACIOUS
+PRINGLE'S day. True it is also, to a certain extent, the Empire's. A
+Session opening in 1914 has entered upon a third year. After briefest
+Christmas recess Members called back to work. They come in numbers that
+crowd benches on both sides. Atmosphere electrical with that sense of
+great happenings that upon occasion possesses it. Understood that
+Cabinet have resolved to recommend adoption of principle of compulsory
+military service. Rumours abroad of consequent resignations from
+Cabinet. To-morrow PRIME MINISTER will deal with these matters.
+Sufficient for to-day is urgent business of amending Munitions of War
+Bill in order to meet Labour objections.
+
+In such grave circumstances reasonable to expect that private Members,
+howsoever fussy by nature, would restrain themselves and permit public
+business to go forward. Member for North-West Lanarkshire does not take
+that view of his duty. Here is a day on which eyes of nation are with
+exceptional intensity and anxiety fixed on House of Commons. What an
+opportunity for PRINGLE-prangling! So at it he went, kept it up not
+only, through Question Hour but, by interruptions of MINISTER OF
+MUNITIONS when speaking during successive stages of Amending Bill, by
+questions in Committee, by acrimonious speeches on Report Stage and
+Third Reading, he hushed HOGGE, snowed-up SNOWDEN, ousted OUTHWAITE, and
+dammed the flow of DALZIEL'S discourse.
+
+In spite of this, which, in addition to major objections, wasted
+something like two hours, work got through a little before ten o'clock.
+
+_Business done._--Munitions Amendment Bill, recommitted for insertion of
+now clause, passed through remaining stages. Read a third time amidst
+general cheers.
+
+[Illustration: THE PERTINACIOUS PRINGLE.]
+
+_Wednesday._--When shortly after three o'clock this afternoon the PRIME
+MINISTER asked leave to introduce Bill delicately described as designed
+"to make provision with respect to military service in connection with
+the present War" he was greeted by hearty cheer from audience that
+packed the Chamber from floor to topmost row of benches in Strangers'
+Gallery. Members who had not reserved a seat filled the side Galleries
+and overflowed in a group thronging the Bar.
+
+Since the War began we have from time to time had crowded Houses
+awaiting momentous announcement from PREMIER. A distinction of to-day's
+gathering is the considerable proportion of Members in khaki. The whip
+summoning attendance had sounded as far as the trenches in Flanders,
+bringing home numbers more than sufficient to "make a House" of
+themselves. Among them was General SEELY, who contributed to debate one
+of its most effective speeches. He met with friendly reception even from
+that part of the House not similarly disposed when he was accustomed to
+address it from Treasury Bench.
+
+The EX-HOME SECRETARY, rising to state the conscientious reasons that
+compelled the sacrifice of high Ministerial office, also had warm
+reception from all the Benches. General regret that he will, for the
+present at least, resume the status of private Member after a
+Ministerial career as brilliant as it was brief.
+
+_Business done._--Bill requiring military service for unattested single
+men and childless widowers of military age introduced by PRIME MINISTER.
+Blandly explained that it is not necessarily compulsory. If this class
+of citizen who has hitherto held back now likes to come forward and
+enlist he may do so under the Group system, which will be reopened for
+that purpose. What could be more thoughtful--or obliging?
+
+_Thursday._--By comparison with yesterday's crowded attendance and
+buzzing excitement, through greater part of to-day's sitting Benches
+only moderately full, and general conditions otherwise normal. Members
+who objected to carrying debate over second day felt themselves
+justified. Two speeches made it worth while to extend debate--one
+delivered from below Gangway by LONG JOHN WARD of Stoke-on-Trent, now a
+full-blown Colonel. Hurried over from the Front to defend and vote for
+Compulsion Bill, although heretofore a strong opponent of conscription.
+Animated manly speech, much cheered from all quarters.
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR, who, moving from modest place habitually occupied towards
+lower end of Treasury Bench, seated himself next the PREMIER, thence
+shortly after ten o'clock rose and delivered a speech which recalled his
+greatest triumphs achieved in former days when in different
+circumstances he stood by same historic brass-bound box which DIZZY in
+his day clutched and GLADSTONE thumped.
+
+As he resumed his seat amidst storm of cheering, SPEAKER put the
+Question for leave to introduce the Bill. A mighty shout of "Ay!"
+responded, answered by futile cry of "No!"
+
+"Agreed! agreed!" cried the peace-makers. But the minority were out for
+a division and insisted on taking it. Resulted in leave being given by
+majority of four to one, a conclusion hailed with renewed outburst of
+cheering.
+
+_Business done._--Leave given by 403 votes against 105. PRIME MINISTER
+brought in Military Service Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+"Want to do your bit, my lad?"
+
+"Of c-c-c-c-c-c-c-course I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do."
+
+"Then take my advice and join the machine-gun section."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The holder of an Exchequer Bond for L100 will receive L100 on
+    December 1st, 1910, and will in the meantime receive L5 per
+    annum in interest."--_Evening Paper._
+
+The new security seems to have a brilliant future behind it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The bride, who was given away by her father, wore a dress of
+    pale bridegroom. She was attended by the hat, and carried a
+    bouquet, the gift of the pink taffeta silk and a large dark blue
+    bridegroom's two little nieces."
+
+    _Kentish Mercury._
+
+What colour was the bridegroom?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The last paragraph in Mr. A. F. Dunnett's letter, appearing in
+    our issue of the 14th inst., contained an obvious error.
+    'Nathan's vineyard' should, of course, have been 'Nabob's
+    vineyard.'"
+
+    _Daily Gleaner (Kingston, Jamaica)._
+
+Of course--where the pickles grow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sergeant Capes saw the fowls in a crater on Castle-hill. On the
+    crater being opened two of them were almost dead, and others
+    were exhausted, and could scarcely stand."
+
+    _Nottingham Evening Post._
+
+No doubt overcome by the gas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tradesman._ "Are you insuring against Zeppelins for the
+New Year?"
+
+_Householder._ "Well, I'm thinking of it, as I remember reading in the
+last raid how they dropped seventeen bombs in one area. I wonder they
+don't get hit, standing still all that time in the air."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SORROWFUL SNIPER.
+
+  I'm un'appy, so I am. Don't enjoy me beef nor jam,
+    An' I'm grumpy an' as 'umpy as a camel.
+  Bin an' stopped my leave? Oh no! _That_ was fixed up long ago;
+  But the trouble is, I've got it, an' I feel afeared to go,
+    An' it's all alonger tin o' green enamel.
+
+  Fancy spendin' New Year's Eve, when you oughter be on leave,
+    In a dugout where the damp is slowly tricklin',
+  All alonger tin o' green an' a sniper lank an' lean
+  'Oo was swearin' an' a-strafin' an' a-snipin' in between,
+    Till the Sergeant told me off to stop 'is ticklin'.
+
+  So I trimmed meself with straw, an' a grass an' hay coffyure,
+    An' I clothed meself with faggots that a pal 'ad;
+  Then the Sergeant got a brush an' some green an' sticky slush,
+  An' 'e plastered me all over till I couldn't raise a blush,
+    And I looked jest like a vegetable salad.
+
+  Then I crept out in the night, an' I waited for the light,
+    But the sniper saw me fust an' scored an inner.
+  I could 'ear the twigs divide, but I signalled 'im a "wide,"
+  Then I squinted down me barrel, an' I let me finger glide,
+    An' I pipped 'im where 'e uster put 'is dinner.
+
+  Yus, I busted up the Bosch, but I found out, at the wash,
+    That enamel was a fast an' lastin' colour,
+  An' the soap I used to clean made me shine a brighter green;
+  I'm a cabbage, I'm a lettuce, I'm a walkin' kidney bean,
+    An' I ain't a-leavin' Flanders till it's duller.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD NEWS FOR TAXPAYERS.
+
+    "Income-tax can be paid in the case of individuals and firms who
+    are liable to direct assessment in respect of trade, profession,
+    or husbandry, in two halfpenny instalments--the first on January
+    1, and the second on July 1."--_Glasgow Evening Times._
+
+Lucky Scots, to get off with twa bawbees!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an advertisement;--
+
+    "----'s Mustard Digests the Dish."
+
+And so saves washing-up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Strive to acquire now ideas. Vary the hour of rising. If you
+    take luncheon out never go always to the same place."--_Daily
+    Mail._
+
+We seldom go always to the "Blue Lion," and usually never by the same
+way every time, for fear of hardly ever being unable to get out of the
+habit of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_The Westminster Gazette_," writes a correspondent from Venice, "has
+always been regarded by the Italian Press as the most insular of English
+newspapers." Still we think that _La Difesa_, of which he encloses an
+extract, goes too far in referring to our esteemed contemporary as _La
+West-Monstergazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"The Basker."
+
+[Illustration: Miss Hilda Moore as _Mrs. Radford_.]
+
+I imagine _The Basker_ to be designed by "CLIFFORD MILLS" as a Tract
+against Dukes. And certainly her _Duke of Cheviot_ is a miracle of
+obtuseness, who, if he had not been made a hero by his valet (an
+original and happy creation), would have grievously belied the proud old
+family motto, "_Je me sauvegarde_." _George de Lacorfe_, fashionable,
+_faineant_ and forty, reader of _The Pink 'Un_, ardent bachelor,
+_Basker_ in short, suddenly finds the dukedom of Cheviot thrust upon
+him. Quite unlike his egregious ancestors, who went out and biffed their
+enemies in the gate, especially the _Gorndykes_, who were an unpleasant
+shifty kind of raiders, _George_ proposes to resign all the Cheviot
+places, emoluments and responsibilities to his cousin and heir, _Richard
+de Lacorfe_, on the day the said _Richard_ shall marry. Now _Richard_ is
+a _de Lacorfe_ with the hereditary _Gorndyke_ blood and nose acquired on
+the distaff side. This conspicuous organ inflames the anger of
+_George's_ grandmother, the dowager, steeped as she is in the history
+and prejudices of the family, while other members of the august circle
+harbour unkind thoughts about their kinsman.
+
+And well they might. If anyone had "wrong 'un" written all over him it
+was _Richard_. Indeed his Roman nose was the straightest part of him.
+The guileless _George_ who, though (or because) his grandmother
+presented him every birthday after his majority with a copy of _The
+History of the de Lacorfes_, knew and cared nothing about their glorious
+and stormy past, didn't suspect the _Gorndyke_ rat in the _de Lacorfe_
+granary. Spendthrift _Richard_, who is always getting urgent blue
+envelopes from _Samuel & Samuel_, is bent on marrying for money the very
+_Diana_ that _George_ loves for her blue hyacinth eyes. There is a
+misunderstanding between _George_ and _Diana_ (of such a childlike
+ingenuousness as to suggest that really this too easy spot-stroke should
+be barred to playwrights), and the idiotic girl promptly engages herself
+to _Richard_, who is of course in love with a patently naughty married
+woman. The most reckless of lovers from the moment when in his ardour he
+(apparently) bites this lady's hand in the First Act, in full view of
+the family, till he plans a flirtation by the Cheviot postern gate on
+the very eve of his marriage to _Diana_, he is an obviously doomed
+villain. The lady is surprised by _George_ in the act of knocking thrice
+on the said postern within. When three knocks are heard without together
+with the voice of _Richard_, the _Duke_ really begins to suspect
+something. Virtuous imbecility prevails over villainous stupidity. The
+final blow is dealt upon the _Gorndyke_ nose. _Diana_ is retrieved by
+this last of the safe-guarders, and we are left to a melancholy
+calculation as to what the mental capacity of their issue is likely to
+be.
+
+[Illustration: THE SOUL'S AWAKENING.
+
+_Nalet_, the valet (Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE), having been dismissed for
+not calling _George de Lacorfe_ (Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER) in the morning,
+makes good by waking his master's soul up at one o'clock at night.]
+
+A good deal of spontaneous and honest laughter, the best of
+testimonials, greeted this rather ingenuous extravaganza. I think Mrs.
+CLIFFORD MILLS would do well not to prolong her mystifications beyond
+the point when they are quite clear to her audience. May I without
+boastfulness record that I guessed all about what _Richard_ was going to
+do with the tiara quite three minutes before a well-known editor in
+front of me gave away the secret in a hoarse whisper to his neighbour?
+And that was some time before the author had finished the "preparation"
+of the business. And may I ask why _Richard_ was forced to so fatuous a
+contrivance as the pawning of the tiara to make the exigent _Samuels_
+stay their hands for a week? True he couldn't tell them about the
+Cheviot deal, which was a secret between himself and _George_; but he
+could surely have used the fact of his coming marriage with _Diana's_
+money? And why didn't _Diana_ write to her mother and ask her what was
+the solemn warning about _Richard_ that she had on the tip of her tongue
+when she was interrupted just before going abroad? There _is_ a mail to
+Singapore, isn't there? And does a _George_, succeeding to a dukedom,
+become "_Cheviot_" to his sister?
+
+Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER was at his excellent best in the lighter moods of
+the _Basker_. But I did not like to see him in pain (especially as it
+all seemed so unnecessary). Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE, in the really
+engaging part of the _Duke's_ valet, who learned to think for himself
+and read to such excellent effect the history so carelessly neglected by
+his master, was quite admirable. But then he always is. Mr. NORMAN
+FORBES had little to exercise his powers in a churchwarden version of
+the stage-parson with a tiresome wife. Miss HILDA MOORE looked
+charmingly wicked and acted with intelligence. The too serious _role_
+tossed lightly by the author into the broadest farce presents an
+impossible problem. Miss ELLEN O'MALLEY never mishandles a part.
+Sometimes, as here, a part is not too kind to her. As _George's_ sister
+she could be no more than a competent peg. Miss MARIE HEMINGWAY had
+merely to look perplexed and pretty, which she did with complete
+success. Everyone was frankly delighted to welcome back to the stage
+that great artist Miss GENEVIEVE WARD as the _Dowager Duchess_. She had
+the sort of reception that is only accorded to favourites of much more
+than common merit. And she played with decision, humour and resource.
+Sir GEORGE made a happy and generous little speech about her. The author
+was called to receive the felicitations of a gratified house.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Grand Concert is to be given at the Kingsway Hall by the Independent
+Music Club, on January 18th, at 2.30, in aid of Mr. C. ARTHUR PEARSON'S
+Fund for Blinded Soldiers and Sailors. The Independent Music Club, which
+has been of invaluable assistance to musicians suffering from the War,
+proposes to entertain at least five hundred Wounded Soldiers at this
+Concert.
+
+Five shillings will provide ticket, transport and tea for one Wounded
+Soldier. Gifts for this purpose and for the object of helping our
+Blinded Soldiers and Sailors will be very gratefully acknowledged by the
+Treasurer, Independent Music Club, 13, Pembroke Gardens, Kensington, W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The net proceeds of a "Special Night" at the National Sporting Club on
+Monday, January 17th, commencing at 8 P.M., are to be given to the
+Wounded Allies Relief Fund.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPEN SECRETS.
+
+(_Inspired by the sight, anywhere in France, of the notice:
+"Taisez-vous! Mefiez-vous! Les ennemies oreilles vous ecoutent!_")
+
+  There is something in the air,
+          Dinna doot!
+  We shall shortly see some _guerre_
+          Hereaboot.
+    Yes, we're going to make a rush,
+    Starting Tuesday next at--Hush!
+          _Pourquoi?_
+  _Les ennemies oreilles nous ecoutent!_
+
+  We have got some special guns
+          For to shoot,
+  And to make the fleshy Huns
+          Up and scoot.
+    Would you care to hear the list?
+    There's a grandmamma at--Hist!
+          _Silence!_
+  _Les ennemies oreilles nous ecoutent!_
+
+  It is more than patent to
+          The astute
+  That a very big to-do
+          Is _en route_.
+    There's a million men, I'm told,
+    Sailing round to land at--Hold!
+          _Doucement!_
+  _Les ennemies oreilles nous ecoutent!_
+
+  Tho' to you, my simple friend,
+          It is moot
+  When the War is going to end
+          (_Dat vas goot!_)
+    _I_ could say exactly when
+    Peace will be declared. But then,
+          _Helas!_
+  _Les ennemies oreilles nous ecoutent!_
+
+  I should be the very last
+          To dispute
+  That remarks, too freely passed,
+          Come as loot
+    To those wicked people, spies;
+    Yet what lots and lots of lies
+          (_Mon Dieu!_)
+  _Les ennemies oreilles en ecoutent!_
+
+Henry (Watch Dog).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fickle Young Thing_ (_revisiting Tattooist_.) "Er--do
+you think you could possibly alter this badge on my arm? You see,
+I've--er--exchanged into another regiment."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of KING FERDINAND'S address to the Sobranje:--
+
+    "The speech then exalts over victories won, and generally is
+    couched in a rather orid strain."--_Cork Constitution._
+
+Like everything else that FERDY does.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New Ideas for War Weddings.
+
+    "The bride looked extremely well in a gown of ivory
+    crepe-de-chene, trimmed with filet lace and ivory aeroplane. Her
+    hat was of gathered aeroplane, adorned with real ospreys."
+
+    _Times of Ceylon._
+
+    "The ceremony and congratulations being of smilax and pom
+    pom'mums."
+
+    _Wiarton Echo (Canada)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The public simply hand in the order and cash to any
+    tobacconist, with the name of the man to whom the cigarettes are
+    to be sent, and the welcome gift will reach Tommy in time for
+    Christmas."
+
+    _Advt. in Morning Paper, Dec. 31st, 1915._
+
+Unless, as we all hope, Tommy is at home again before that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Crisis Averted.
+
+    "Our London Correspondent says that he has offered to resign,
+    but the Prime Minister refused to accept his resignation."
+
+    _Cork Examiner._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY BIRTHDAY.
+
+"My birthday," I said, "is setting in with its usual severity."
+
+"What," said Francesca, "has driven you to this terrible conclusion?"
+
+"Little signs; straws showing how the wind blows."
+
+"I wonder," she said, "how that came to be a proverb. Personally I don't
+keep packets of straws to test the wind by, and I never met anybody else
+who did. Handkerchiefs are much more certain, and men's hats are best of
+all."
+
+"Yes," I said, "when I see my hat starting full tilt on an excursion I
+always know which way the wind is blowing right enough. Tell me,
+Francesca, why does a man's hat, when it's blown off, always bring up in
+a puddle?"
+
+"And get run over by a butcher's cart?"
+
+"And why does everybody laugh at the hat's owner?"
+
+"And why does the boy who brings it back to you expect payment for the
+miserable and useless object?"
+
+"And where," I said, "does the owner disappear to afterwards? You never
+see a man with a hat on his head that's been run over--no, I mean, with
+a hat that's been run over on his head--no, no, I mean, with a hat
+that's been run over off his head--Francesca, I give it up; I shall
+never get that sentence right, but you know what I mean. Anyhow I will
+put the dreadful vision by. What was I talking about when this hat
+calamity broke in?"
+
+"You had made," said Francesca, "a cold and distant allusion to your
+birthday. It's coming to-morrow."
+
+"Well," I said, "it can come if it likes, but I shall refuse to receive
+it. I don't want it. I'm quite old enough without it. At my age people
+don't have birthdays. They just go on living, and other people say how
+wonderful they are for their years, and they must be sixty if they're a
+day, but nobody would think so, and----"
+
+"And that it's all due to early rising and regular habits."
+
+"And smoking and partial abstemiousness."
+
+"And general good conduct. But you can have all that sort of praise and
+yet celebrate your birthday."
+
+"But I tell you I won't have my birthday celebrated. Those are my
+orders."
+
+"Orders?" she said. "People don't give orders about absurdities like
+that."
+
+"Yes," I said, "they do; but their orders are not obeyed. There's
+Frederick, for instance. He's only eight, I know, but he's got something
+up his sleeve. He asked me yesterday if I could lend him threepence, and
+did I think that a small notebook with a pencil would be a nice present
+for a sort of uncle on his birthday--not a father, mind you, but an
+uncle. There's a Machiavelli for you."
+
+"And what did you say?"
+
+"I told him I had never met an uncle who didn't adore notebooks, but
+that few fathers really appreciated them; and then he countered me. He
+said he had noticed that many fathers were uncles too."
+
+"That child," said Francesca, "will be a Lord Chancellor. He'd look
+splendid on a woolsack."
+
+"Yes, later on. At present his legs would dangle a bit, wouldn't they?"
+
+"They're very-well-shaped legs, anyhow. Any Lord Chancellor would be
+proud to possess them."
+
+"To resume," I said, "about the birthday. There's Alice too. She's
+engaged on some nefarious scheme with a paint-box and a sheet of paper.
+It's directed at me, I know, because, whenever I approach her, things
+have to be hustled away or covered up. However, it's all useless. My
+mind's made up. I will _not_ have a birthday."
+
+"You can't prevent it, you know."
+
+"Yes, I can," I said. "It's mine, and if I decide not to have it nobody
+can make me."
+
+"But isn't that rather selfish?"
+
+"It can't be selfish of me to deprive myself of a birthday."
+
+"But you're depriving the children of it, and that's worse than selfish.
+It's positively heartless."
+
+"Very well, then, I'm heartless. At any rate my orders are that there
+shall be no birthday; and don't you forget it, or, rather, forget it as
+hard as ever you can."
+
+"I can't hold out the least prospect that your suggestion will meet with
+favourable consideration."
+
+The birthday duly arrived, and I went down to breakfast. As I entered
+the room a shout of applause broke from the already assembled family.
+"Look at your place," said Frederick. I did, and beheld on the table a
+collection of unaccustomed articles. There was a box of chocolates from
+Muriel and Nina; there was a note-book with an appropriate pencil.
+"That," said Frederick, "is for Cousin Herbert's uncle. Ha, ha!" And
+there was, from Alice, a painted Calendar fit to hang on any wall. It
+represents a Tartar nobleman haughtily walking in a green meadow, with a
+background of snow-capped mountains. He has a long pig-tail and a black
+velvet cap with a puce knob. His trousers are blue striped with purple.
+He has a long blue cloak decorated with red figures, and his carmine
+train is borne by a juvenile page dressed in a short orange-coloured
+robe. It is a very magnificent design, and on the back of it is
+written:--
+
+  "This is but a Birthday rhyme
+  Written in this dark War-time.
+  We can't afford to waste our ink,
+  And so I'll quickly stop, I think."
+
+Thus I was compelled to have a birthday after all.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LUCASTA, FROM THE WARS.
+
+  Perusing the epistles I devotedly indite
+  You long, I know, Lucasta dear, to see me as I write;
+  Your fancy paints my portrait framed in hectic scenes of war--
+  I'll try to show you briefly what my circumstances are.
+
+  Your swain is now a troglodyte; as in a dungeon deep
+  He who so worshipped stars and you must write and eat and sleep;
+  Like some swart djinnee of the mine your sunshine-loving slave
+  Builds airy castles, meet for two, 'neath candles in a cave.
+
+  Above, the sky is very grey, the world is very damp,
+  His light the sun denies by day, the moon by night her lamp;
+  Across the landscape soaked and sad the dull guns answer back,
+  And through the twilight's futile hush spasmodic rifles crack.
+
+  The papers haven't come to-day to show how England feels;
+  The hours go lame and languidly between our Spartan meals;
+  We've written letters till we're tired, with not a thing to tell
+  Except that nothing's doing, weather beastly, writer well.
+
+  So when you feel for us out here--as well I know you will--
+  Then sympathise with thousands for their country sitting still;
+  Don't picture battle-pieces by the lurid Press adored,
+  But miles and miles of Britishers, in burrows, badly bored!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WAR ECONOMY.
+
+_Mistress (to chauffeur, who is crawling down-hill)._ "Why are you
+driving so slowly?"
+
+_Chauffeur_ (_ex-coachman_). "Well, Ma'am, you told me to be as
+economical as possible these times, so I was puttin' the brake on to
+make the down-'ill last as long as possible."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_Narcissus_ (SECKER), by Miss VIOLA MEYNELL, is one of those books for
+which I cannot help feeling that my appreciation would have been keener
+two years ago than is possible to-day. It is the story of the growth to
+manhood of two brothers, _Victor_ and _Jimmy_, who live with their
+widowed mother in an outer suburb of London. That there is art, very
+subtle and delicate art, in the telling of it goes without saying. The
+characters of the brothers are realized with exquisite care. _Victor_,
+the elder, uncertain, violently sensitive and emotional, seeking always
+from life what he is never destined (at least so far as the present
+story carries him) to attain; _Jimmy_, placid, shallow, avoiding all
+emotion, attracting happiness like a magnet. Nothing, I repeat, could be
+better done in its kind than the pictures of these two, and of the not
+very interesting crowd of young persons among whom they move. But, for
+all its real beauty of style, I have to confess that the book left me
+cold, and even a little irritated. Perhaps we demand something more from
+our heroes these days than susceptibility, or indifference, to emotion.
+Was the purpose of life, one wonders, ever as delicately elusive as
+these bewildered young men seem to find it? I kept longing for Lord
+DERBY. Perhaps, again, this is but part of the cleverness of the writer,
+and Miss MEYNELL, like the child in the poem, only does it to annoy. But
+I hardly think so. Her tenderness and sympathy for _Victor_ especially
+are obvious. He, I take it, is _Narcissus_ (though _Narcissi_ would have
+been a truer title for the book, as each of the brothers is more in love
+with his own reflection than with anything else), and, since he is left
+unmarried at the close of the volume, I derived some quiet satisfaction
+from the thought that modified conscription might yet make a man of him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why will the heroes of historical fiction persist in that dangerous
+practice of leaving an angry and overmastered villain bound to a tree to
+await death or rescue? The result is rescue every time, and one way and
+another a mort of trouble for the good characters. Still it may be
+argued that if the protagonist of _The Fortunes of Garin_ (CONSTABLE)
+had not followed this risky precedent those fortunes would not have led
+him where they eventually did, and we should have missed one of the best
+costume novels of the year. Miss MARY JOHNSTON is among the very few
+waiters whom I can follow without weariness through the mazes of
+mediaevalism. This tale of the adventures of a knight and a lady in the
+days when HENRY II. sat on the throne of England, and his son RICHARD
+princed it in Angouleme, is told with an air that lifts it out of
+tushery into romance. She wields a picturesque and courtly style,
+sometimes indeed a trifle too charged with metaphor to be altogether
+manageable (as for example when she speaks of "pouring oil upon the red
+embers of a score unpaid"), but for the most part admirably pleasing to
+the ear. Her antique figures are alive; and the whole tale goes forward
+with a various and high-stepping movement and a glow of colour that
+reminded me of nothing more than that splendid pageant one follows round
+the walls of the Riccardi Palace in Florence. Of course the journey ends
+in lovers' meeting and the teaching of his place to the evil-minded. The
+fact that this latter was called _Jaufre_, a name that I would wish
+kindlier entreated, is almost my only complaint against a lively and
+entertaining story which more than once rises to real beauty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Given a plot of the conventional order I dare say it is best to make
+very little fuss or mystery about it. So, at any rate, "KATHARINE TYNAN"
+seems to think, for after about page 32 of her latest book, _Since First
+I Saw Your Face_ (HUTCHINSON), there is really almost no guessing left
+to do, the authoress seeming principally concerned to ensure a smooth
+passage for one's prophecies. Thus, while the unknown son of a secret
+marriage, happening by good luck to thrash the ostensible claimant to
+the title and heroine, gets that successful start in the early pages
+that is so necessary to his happiness in the last, and the lady never
+really looks like straying far into disconcerting opinions of her own,
+even the rival himself obliges us by throwing up the sponge just when
+the game should really begin. All this is soothing enough, but it is
+also very thin stuff; and the addition of a ghostly ancestress, who
+lures her descendants to midnight assignations by smiling at them out of
+a LELY painting, does not stiffen things much. The fact is that away
+from such a purely Irish subject as, say, "Countrymen All," Mrs. HINKSON
+really has not much to tell. Sweeney's New York Stores do not harmonise
+at all well with her atmosphere of wistful tragedy. The effect suggests
+a soap-bubble trying to cake-walk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  When cattle-ships put forth to sea
+    From Montreal across the Atlantic,
+  The life on board would not suit me,
+    Nor you, I think. The cattle frantic,
+  The tough steel plates beneath the might
+    Of crashing waters well-nigh riven--
+  Ugh! Here it is in black and white,
+    Clearly described by FREDERICK NIVEN.
+
+  Published by HEINEMANN (six bob),
+    The book relates the ceaseless battle
+  Which they must wage whose steady job
+    Is valeting a mob of cattle;
+  And yet they pant to get a ship,
+    For jobs the owners they importune
+  At--mark you this!--one pound the trip!
+    I wouldn't do it for a fortune.
+
+  It's just a tale of common men,
+    Who never went to school or college,
+  Writ by a skilled and practised pen
+    Most certainly from first-hand knowledge;
+  It has no very obvious plan,
+    No movement, no connected story;
+  And yet I don't see how you can
+    Fail to enjoy The _S.S. Glory_.
+
+  You'll meet some men you're sure to like--
+    Men who would greet you as a brother;
+  One is that honest fellow, _Mike_,
+    And _Cockney_, possibly, another;
+  Unpolished, quick to wrath and slow,
+    When roused, to lay aside their cholor,
+  Yet are they types you ought to know
+    As well as did the hero, _Scholar_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE UNINTERNED PERIL IN OUR MIDST.
+
+Portrait of Herr Pfunk ("Sister Susie"), who edits "Our Mites' Corner"
+in the well-known weekly, _Mum's Pets_, and also conducts a column of
+"Hints to Mothers," which is having an alarming effect on infant
+mortality.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In an eloquent foreword to _The Queen's Gift Book_, (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), we are told by Mr. GALSWORTHY that it is "in the nature of a
+hat passed round, into which, God send, many hundred thousand coins may
+be poured." The coin that we are asked to put into what I hope will be a
+very widely circulating hat is half-a-crown, and whatever you may or may
+not think of Gift Books I can promise you that in this instance to pay
+your money is to get its worth. It is true that some of the contributors
+have given us work that we have already had an opportunity to know; but
+even here I am not grumbling, for among the stories that have already
+been published is Mr. LEONARD MERRICK'S "The Fairy Poodle," a tale so
+full of sparkle that the oftener I see it the better I shall be pleased.
+All tastes, however, are catered for. You can read tales by Sir J. M.
+BARRIE or Mr. JOSEPH HOCKING, verses by Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, Mr. JOHN
+OXENHAM or Mrs. HENRY DE LA PASTURE, sketches by Mr. CONRAD or "SAPPER."
+But I advise you to read the lot. An especial word of praise is, I feel,
+due to Mr. JOHN BUCHAN for a tale humorous enough in its dry way to
+squeeze a smile from a mummy, and to the artists who have helped to make
+this Gift the success that it is. In short, the book is good, nearly as
+good as the object for which it has been published. "In aid," we read on
+the cover, "of Queen Mary's Convalescent Auxiliary Hospitals. For
+Soldiers and Sailors who have lost their limbs in the War." Here then,
+by helping to provide our maimed heroes with the best mechanical
+substitutes for the limbs which they have lost, is a chance for us to
+pay a little of the unpayable debt we owe to them. Mr. GALSWORTHY may
+rest assured that his appeal to "our honour in this matter" will not be
+made in vain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An extract from the Master of the TEMPLE'S sermon on "Muddling
+Through":--
+
+    "When we rejoiced at the efficiency of our Navy we too seldom
+    recollected that it was primarily due to a superbly effective
+    system of education built up by the efforts of a few great men
+    loyally supported by enthusiastic insubordinates."--_Morning
+    Paper._
+
+NELSON'S "blind eye" is not forgotten.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, January 12, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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