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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+April 8, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 8, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2007 [EBook #22671]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 104.
+
+APRIL 8, 1893.
+
+
+Edited by Sir Francis Burnand
+
+
+
+
+SPORTING ANSWERS.
+
+ANGLING.
+
+FLEACATCHER.--Yes, the trout in the river Itching (this is the only
+correct spelling) are red, and, before they are boiled, raw. The best
+method of catching them is to tickle them. When you have hooked an
+Itching trout, you first scratch him, and then cook him.
+
+NOVICE.--We only knew one man who could make a decent rod, and he died
+twenty years ago. Remember the old adage so dear to IZAAK, _Qui parcit
+virgæ spoliat puerum_. For instructions as to use of implement, and
+translation of Latin, apply to any head-master. Failure in the latter
+will inevitably lead to application of the former. Then pause for
+reflection, but _don't sit down_.
+
+SPOOK.--What on earth is the use of applying to us about a phantom?
+We never keep one on the premises. Try personal interview with W. T.
+STEAD, who has a fine selection, JULIA being specially effective. Why
+do you ask if we generally spin? Not having been born a top, we prefer
+walking.
+
+CONTEMPLATIVE.--(1) It's absolutely useless offering us these paltry
+inducements to betray the secrets of our skill. We are--we hope we may
+say it without undue pride--an All-Round Angler, and we are not going
+to be squared by a bait of that kind. (2) We have never pretended we
+were a salmon. If ANDREW LANG says we have, we challenge him to repeat
+it to our face before witnesses. (3) Whitebait are no longer kept in
+the Round Pond at Kensington. We knew as many as four there ten years
+ago.
+
+CALIPEE.--You are quite right. When a ship turns turtle the fact is
+instantly communicated to the Lord Mayor and Aldermen of the City of
+London. They proceed to the spot in the _Maria Wood_, and the one
+who secures the interesting saurian is allowed to eat all the green
+fat. With you we hope devoutly that the time is far distant when the
+desecrating hand of a Socialistic Government will be allowed to lay a
+finger on these ancient civic customs. No. The Fishmongers' Company do
+not sell fish. Their motto is, _Edo, non vendo_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACTON EST.--_The Cornhill Magazine_ for this month has an interesting
+article on "Actors and Actresses in Westminster Abbey," not seen there
+much when alive, but there for good after their decease. It is stated
+of Mrs. BARRY that she was not interred in the Abbey, as has been,
+it appears, generally supposed, but found her resting-place at Acton.
+Odd, that when she had ceased to act, she should be sent to Act-on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, AND THE POUNDS," &c.
+
+_Muriel._ "MAMMA, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THE CARRIAGE OUT FOR SO LATE?
+WHERE _ARE_ YOU GOING?"
+
+_Mrs. Goldie._ "NOW, MURIEL, YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER KEEPS WORRYING
+ABOUT EXTRAVAGANCE, AND OF COURSE I MUST SET AN EXAMPLE. SO I'M GOING
+TO THE PUBLIC LIBRARY TO SEE THE EVENING PAPER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CRY OF THE CUE-IST. (_To the Champion, by a Discouraged
+Competitor._)
+
+  Break, break, break,
+    On the smooth green board, O JOHN!
+  And I would civil words could utter
+    My thoughts, as the game goes on!
+
+  O well for the three-figure runs
+    You have made since we opened play!
+  O ill for my nine thousand start,
+    Which you're lessening day by day!
+
+  And the marvellous shots go on
+    To your score, which is mounting still!
+  But O for a touch of that wondrous hand,
+    And a slice of that startling skill!
+
+  Break, break, break!
+    _There's_ a shot! Great Scott! O, see!
+  What tender grace! And if once ahead
+    You will never "come back" to me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "EPSOM SPRING MEETING."--In former times this used to be a
+    fashionable rendezvous for invalids who went there to drink
+    the beneficial waters of the Epsom Spring. Now there is not
+    much water taken at these Spring Meetings; and what water is
+    taken is not "an unmixed good."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A LESSON IN "BOOK-KEEPING."--Never lend one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AFTER THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW.
+
+SCENE--_An Office._ BROWN _and_ JONES _discovered talking over the
+incidents of the recent holiday._
+
+_Brown._ Yes; I was up at six on the Monday.
+
+_Jones._ Well, you were in luck; for I had to be ready by four. The
+battalion had to be drawn up at the station by 4.45.
+
+_Brown._ To be sure. You went down before we did.
+
+_Jones._ Yes. I wish we had got some coffee before starting.
+
+_Brown._ But you had your breakfast on your arrival, didn't you?
+
+_Jones._ Yes, to be sure; but as we were a bit late, it was rather a
+scramble.
+
+_Brown._ Well, of course one has to get on to parade as soon as
+possible. We cut it rather fine too. But that's the case with all of
+us.
+
+_Jones._ To be sure; and if you lose time at one end, you must make up
+for it at the other--that stands to reason. And how did you get on?
+
+_Brown._ First rate. We were on the march from nine to five.
+
+_Jones._ So were we; and didn't have time scarcely to get to our
+havresacks.
+
+_Brown._ Just our fortune. Always on the move. I wore out my leathers
+in fine style.
+
+_Jones._ So did I. And then we had to go back to the train before we
+could get any dinner.
+
+_Brown._ My fate too. And, when I got home, the slavey had forgotten
+to lay supper!
+
+_Jones._ So had mine. But still it was a glorious holiday--now, wasn't
+it?
+
+_Brown._ I should say it was! A glorious holiday!
+
+[_They return to their ledgers._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+ABSCONDRELISM.--I belong to a Building Society. At present the concern
+is exceptionally prosperous, and I have no reason to suppose that the
+Directors and Manager are not scrupulously honest. Still, it is as
+well to be prepared for all eventualities, and, as a couple of years
+seems to be about the time required by the authorities before they can
+make up their minds to prosecute anybody, I should like to know if
+I could apply for a warrant against the officials of my Society _at
+once_, so as to have everything ready in case any of them should
+develop fraudulent tendencies a few years hence? Would there be any
+objection to this? Perhaps some legal reader would reply. Also, is it
+a fact that Messrs. BALBERT AND HURLFOUR have started a model Colony,
+on entirely new and philanthropic lines, in Mexico, and are inviting
+English settlers (unconnected with the "Liberator" Society) to join
+them there, the prospectus of the scheme being headed:--"By kind
+permission of the Public Prosecutor"?--PROPHYLACTIC.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HER "DAY OF REST."
+
+(_The Song of the Shop-Girl._)
+
+[Illustration: ["As one poor shop-girl said:--'After the fatigue and
+worry of the week, I am so thoroughly worn out, that my only thought
+is to rest on a Sunday; but it goes too quickly, and the other days
+drag on so slowly!'"--_Quoted by Sir John Lubbock in the recent Debate
+on Early Closing for Shops._]]
+
+      Eight o'clock strikes!
+      The short day's sped,--
+  My Day of Rest! That beating in my head
+  Hammers on still, like coffin-taps. He likes,
+  Our lynx-eyed chief, to see us brisk and trim
+  On Monday mornings; and though brains may swim,
+  And breasts sink sickeningly with nameless pain,
+  _He_ cannot feel the faintness and the strain,
+  And what are they to him?
+
+      This morning's sun peeped in
+      Invitingly, as though to win
+  My footsteps fieldwards, just one day in seven!
+  The thought of hedgerows was like opening heaven,
+      And the stray sunray's gleam,
+    Threading the dingy blind,
+      Seemed part of a sweet dream,
+  For in our sleep the Fates _are_ sometimes kind.
+  "Come out!" it said, "but not with weary tread,
+      And feet of lead,
+  The long, mud-cumbered, cold, accustomed way,
+  For the great Shop is shuttered close to-day,
+    And you awhile are free!"
+  _Free?_ With a chain of iron upon my heart,
+  That drags me down, and makes the salt tears start!
+
+  Oh, that inexorable weariness
+  That through the enfeebled flesh lays crushing stress
+    On the young spirit! Young? There is no youth
+    For such as I. It dies, in very truth,
+  At the first touch of the taskmaster's hand.
+  A doctrine hard for you to understand,
+    Gay sisters of the primrose path,
+  Whose only chain is as a flowery band.
+    The toil that outstays nature hath
+  A palsying power, a chilling force
+  Which freezes youth at its fresh source.
+      Only the Comus wand
+  Of an unhallowed Pleasure offers such
+  Freedom, and with pollution in its touch.
+
+      The languid lift
+  Of head from pillow tells us the good gift
+  Of Sabbath rest is more than half in vain.
+    Tired! Tired! In flesh, bone, brain,
+    Heart, fancy, pulse, and nerve!
+  Such is our doom who stand and serve
+  The unrewarding public, thoughtless they
+    Of slaves whose souls they slay!
+
+  Oh, that long standing--standing--standing yet!
+  With the flesh sick, the inmost soul a-fret,
+    Pale, pulseless patiences, our very sex,
+  That should be a protection, one more load
+    To lade, and chafe, and vex.
+  No tired ox urged to tramping by the goad
+    Feels a more mutely-maddening weariness
+  Than we white, black-garbed spectral girls who stand
+  Stonily smiling on while ladies grand,
+    Easily seated, idly turn and toss
+    The samples; and our Watcher, 'neath the gloss
+  Of courtly smugness glaring menace, stalks
+  About us, creaking cruelty as he walks.
+
+      Stand! Stand! Still stand!
+      Clenched teeth and clutching hand,
+  Swift blanching cheek, and twitching muscle, tell
+  To those who know, what _we_ know all too well,
+      Ignored by Fashion, coldly mocked by Trade.
+      Are we not for the sacrifice arrayed
+  In dainty vesture? Pretty, too, they say
+  Male babblers, whom our sufferings and poor pay
+      Might shock, could they but guess
+      Trim figure and smart dress
+  Cover and hide, from all but doctor-ken,
+  Disease and threatening death. Oh! men, men, men!
+    You bow, smile, flatter--aught but _understand_!
+      Long hours lay lethal hand
+  Upon our very vitals. Seats might save
+      From an untimely grave,
+  Hundreds of harried, inly anguished girls;
+  _You_ see--their snow-girt throats and neatly-ordered curls!
+
+      Out to the green fields? Nay,
+      This all too fleeting day
+  To rest is dedicate. But not the rest
+  Of brightened spirit, and of lightened breast.
+  The dull, dead, half-inanimate leaden crouch
+  Of sheer exhaustion on this shabby couch
+      Is all my week's repose.
+      Read? But the tired eyes close,
+    The book from nerveless fingers drops;
+      Almost the slow heart stops.
+  But the clock halts not on its restless round.
+  Weariness shudders at the whirring sound,
+      As the sharp strike declares
+      Swift to its closing wears
+  One more of those brief interludes from toil
+  Which leave us still the labour-despot's spoil,
+    Slaves of long hours and unrelaxing strain,
+    Unstrengthened and unsolaced, soon again
+    To tread the round, and lift the lengthening chain;
+  _Stand_--till hysteria lays its hideous clutch
+  On our girl-hearts, or epilepsy's touch
+    Thrills through tired nerves and palsied brain.
+      Again--again--again!
+  _How long?_ Till Death, upon its kindly quest,
+    Gives a true Day of Rest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EASTER MANOEUVRES.
+
+[Illustration: BACCHUS ON A BICYCLE!
+
+(A "SAFETY" TOO!!)
+
+_This incident repeated itself to infinity from the East End to
+Hammersmith and back!!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL REWARDS TO GOOD PLAYERS.--"As a sequel to the performance of
+_Becket_ at Windsor, Mr. IRVING"--as we were informed by the _Daily
+News_--"was presented by the QUEEN with a stud." What will he do with
+the stud? Will he take to the turf, go racing, and keep the stud at
+some Newmarket training-stables? Perhaps "the stud" consisted of fifty
+"ponies"--but this is a purse-an'-all matter, into which we are not
+at liberty to inquire. Miss ELLEN TERRY received a brooch from HER
+MAJESTY, on which are the letters "V.R.I." Our 'ARRY says these
+initials signify "_Ve Are 'I_ghly pleased." Or, taking the two
+presents together, as speaking, V.R.I, might mean, says 'ARRY, "_Ve
+R-Ived safely._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LION AND LAMB.
+
+    ["I think that when we consider an Opposition, in which Lord
+    SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN pacifically sit down--or lie
+    down, together, we need not, ourselves, feel very sensitive
+    on the subject of homogeneity."--_Mr. Gladstone at the F. O.
+    Liberal Meeting._]
+
+  Solly had a little Lamb,
+    From Brummagem you know!
+  And wheresoever SOLLY went
+    That Lamb was bound to go.
+  The Lion and the Lamb in fact!
+    And what could be more jolly?
+  Yet some _do_ whisper that--sometimes--
+    The Lamb seems leading SOLLY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHAT HO, APOTHECARY!"--Last week the Earl of BESSBOROUGH was
+announced as having arrived at Bessborough, Pilltown, Ireland. What
+an appropriate spot for erecting an Irish Apothecaries' Hall! What is
+Lord BESSBOROUGH'S family name? Is it The O'COCKLE?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AUTHOR.
+
+  It lay on the book-stall for sale,
+    But no one to purchase seemed willing,
+  The ticket was "Humorous Tale,
+    Two-and-sixpence--reduced to a shilling."
+
+  But the humour was lost upon me.
+    And the jest fell uncommonly flat.
+  Could the jokes I had written then be
+    So fallen in value as that?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRST DUTY OF AN OPPOSITION (_As it now seems to
+be understood_).--"To lie in cool Obstruction, and talk
+rot."--(_Shakspeare_--slightly _adapted_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TRANSLATION BY OUR YOUNGEST SPORTING ETONIAN.--"_In formâ
+pauperis_"--_i.e._, "in rather poor form."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT AN AFTERNOON ENTERTAINMENT.
+
+SCENE--_Prince's Hall, Piccadilly. Among the Audience are_--A London
+Aunt, _and her_ Eldest Daughter, _with a_ Cousin from the Country,
+_who is just a little difficult to amuse; a_ Serious-minded Lady _from
+Brixton, with a more frivolous_ Friend; _a pair of_ Fiancés; _and
+an_ Unsophisticated Father, _with an_ Up-to-date little Daughter.
+_An exhibition of "Pure Sleight-of-Hand" has just been given on the
+Stage._
+
+_The Serious Lady._ Clever? Yes, my dear, it is _clever_ enough,
+if that's all; but I never can quite reconcile _my_ conscience
+to encouraging a fellow-creature to make a living by deliberate
+deception!
+
+_Her Friend._ Oh, I don't see any harm in conjuring, myself.
+
+_The S. L._ I can't forget that Pharaoh had his Sorcerers and
+Magicians, and how _they_ acted!
+
+_Her Friend._ Ah, I never saw _them_.
+
+_The London Aunt_ (_to her_ Niece). Enjoying it, SOPHY? Such a _treat_
+for you, to see really good conjuring!
+
+_Sophy._ Yes, Aunt, thank you. But our new Curate did that trick with
+_two_ rabbits at the last Penny Readings we had!
+
+[_A calico screen is brought forward on which the Entertainer throws
+various shadows with his hands._
+
+_The S. L._ Is that a little house at the corner? Oh, he doesn't do
+_that_ with his hands--then I see no merit in it. Who's that? (_A
+small male shadow, cast by the performer's right hand, crosses the
+screen, and knocks timidly at the door, which is opened by the
+left hand, in the character of a little Lady. The couple embrace
+effusively, and retire inside._) Ah, that's the husband coming home!
+
+[_Another male shadow enters and knocks furiously, while the little
+Lady reconnoitres cautiously from the window above._
+
+_Her Friend._ I expect _that_ must be the husband.
+
+_The S. L._ What?--and the wife behaving like that in his absence! If
+I thought _that_ was the---- (_The first male shadow comes out, and
+fights the second, who retreats, worsted._) I never saw anything so
+scandalous. How you can call yourself consistent, and sit there and
+_laugh_ at such things----!
+
+_Her Friend_ (_apologetically_). I can't help laughing--and, after
+all, perhaps they're only rival lovers, or he's her _father_, or
+something.
+
+_The S. L._ And she inviting one to come into the house in that bold
+way--a nice example for young persons! Look there, he's come back with
+a flageolet, and she's actually poured a jug of water on his head
+out of the window! "Only a pair of hands," did you say? So it _may_
+be--but we all know _who_ it is that "Finds some mischief still For
+idle hands to do"--and there we have an illustration of it, my dear.
+
+[_She shakes herself down in her sealskins with virtuous disapproval._
+
+_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_who has been roaring with laughter_).
+Capital! It is amazingly clever, 'pon my word! Can't imagine how they
+do these things--can _you_, VIVVIE? [_To Up-to-Date Child._
+
+_Miss Vivien._ Oh, well I've seen so much conjuring at parties, you
+know, Father, that I don't notice it particularly,--but it's nice to
+see _you_ so amused!
+
+_The U. F._ I'm _young_, you see, VIVVIE; but I hope you're not bored?
+
+MISS V. No, I'm not _bored_--only I thought there'd be some Serpentine
+dancing, and more of the _Music Hall_ about it.
+
+_The U. F._ Music Hall! Why, what do _you_ know about Music Halls, eh?
+
+_Miss V._ (_with calm superiority_). Several of their songs--if you
+call _that_ anything.
+
+_The U. F._ I should be inclined to call it a good deal too much!
+
+_Miss V._ (_compassionately_). Would you? Poor dear Father! But you
+never _were_ very modern, were you?
+
+[_A Blind-folded Lady on the Stage has been reading and adding up
+figures on a black board, and now offers to tell the day of the week
+of any person's birth in the audience._
+
+_Her Colleague._ Will some gentleman kindly oblige me with the date of
+his birth?
+
+_The Fiancée._ Now, JACK, tell yours. I _want_ you to.
+
+_Jack_ (_in an unnaturally gruff voice_). Fourteenth of February,
+eighteen-sixty-nine!
+
+_The Blindfolded Lady_ (_with the air of the Delphic Pythia_).
+Yes--_that_ fell upon a Monday.      [_Applause._
+
+_Her Coll._ Is that correct, Sir?
+
+_Jack._ Don't know.
+
+[_He reddens, and tries to look unconscious._
+
+_Her Coll._ Now I will ask the Lady if she can mention some event of
+importance that took place on the same date.
+
+_The Bl. L._ Let me think. Yes. (_Solemnly._) On the same
+date, in the year seventeen-hundred-and-thirty-seven, goloshes were
+first invented!     [_Loud applause._
+
+_Miss V._ (_as the pair retire_). Well, thank goodness, we've seen the
+last of that beastly black-board. I didn't come here to add up sums.
+What is it next? Oh, a "Farmyard Imitator." I expect that will be
+rather rot, Father, don't you?
+
+[_Enter a Gentleman in evening dress who gives realistic imitations of
+various live-stock._
+
+_The Country Cousin._ That's _exactly_ the way our little Berkshire
+pig grunts, and "Sweetlips" calls her calf just like that--and, oh,
+KATIE, I _wonder_ if he could have heard our Dorkings clucking at
+home--I think he _must_ have--he does it so exactly the same!
+
+_Katie._ Then you do think _that's_ clever, SOPHY?
+
+_Sophy._ Oh, well--for an _imitation_, you know!
+
+[_A "Sensational Cage Mystery" is introduced; a pretty child is shut
+up in a cage, which is opened a moment after, and found to contain a
+Negro who capers out, grinning._
+
+_The London Aunt._ SOPHY, do you see that?--there's a black man there
+now, instead!
+
+_Sophy_ (_without enthusiasm_). Yes, Aunt, I see, thank you.
+
+_Katie._ Don't you _like_ it, SOPHY?
+
+_Sophy._ I don't see why it need have been a _Nigger_!
+
+_The S. L._ (_after a "Humorous Musical Sketch" by a clever and,
+charming young Lady_). Like _that_, my dear?--a Young Woman giving a
+description of how she actually went on the Stage, and imitating men
+in that way! It was as much as _I_ could do to sit still in my seat!
+
+_Her Friend._ I must say I thought it was very amusing.
+
+_The S. L._ Amusing? I daresay. But, to my mind, young girls have no
+_business_ to be amusing, and take off other people. I've no opinion
+of such ways myself. I don't know what my dear Mother would have done
+if _I'd_ ever been amusing--she would have broken her heart, I do
+believe!
+
+_The Friend_ (_to herself_). She wouldn't have split her sides, that's
+very certain!
+
+[_A_ Lady Physiognomist _appears in cap and gown, and invites
+a subject to step upon the stage, and have his or her character
+revealed._
+
+_Jack_ (_to his Fiancée_). No, I say--but look here, FLOSSIE, _really_
+I'd rather not--with all these people looking!
+
+_Flossie._ Then I shall think you've something to _conceal_, JACK--you
+wouldn't like me to feel that _already_, would you?
+
+[Illustration: "He blinks and smiles in feeble confusion."]
+
+[JACK, _resignedly, mounts the platform, and occupies a chair, in
+which he blinks and smiles in feeble confusion, while the_ Professor
+_studies his features dispassionately._
+
+_The Lady Phys._ The first thing to notice is the disposition of
+the ears. Now here we have a Gentleman whose ears stick out in a very
+remarkable manner.      [_Delight of Audience._
+
+_Flossie_ (_to herself_). They _do_--awfully! I never noticed it
+before. But it really rather suits him; at least---- [_She meditates._
+
+_The L. Ph._ This denotes an original and inquiring mind; this
+gentleman takes nothing on trust--likes to see everything for himself;
+he observes a good deal more than he ever says anything about. His
+nose is wide at the tip, showing a trustful and confiding disposition;
+it has a bump in the centre, denoting a moderate amount of
+combativeness. The nostrils indicate a keen sense of humour. (_Here_
+JACK _giggles bashfully._) There is a twist in the upper lip,
+which indicates--well, I won't say that he would actually tell an
+_untruth_--but if he had the opportunity for doing so, he has the
+capacity for taking advantage of it. I think that is all I have to say
+about this Gentleman.
+
+_Flossie_ (_to_ JACK, _after he has returned to her side_). JACK, if
+you can't leave off having an original and inquiring mind, you must at
+least promise me _one_ thing--it's very little to ask!
+
+_Jack._ You know I'd do any blessed thing in the world for you
+FLOSSIE,--what is it?
+
+_Flossie._ Only to wear an elastic round your ears at night, JACK!
+
+_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_at the conclusion of the exhibition,
+as the Missing Lady disappears with a bang, in full view of the
+Audience_). There, VIVVIE; she's vanished clean away. What do you say
+to that, eh?
+
+_Vivien_ (_composedly_). Well, I think we may as well vanish too
+Father. It's all over!
+
+_The S. L._ (_going out_). I don't wish to judge _others_--far from
+it--but, speaking for myself, ELIZA, I _cannot_ feel this has been
+a profitable method of employing precious moments which can never be
+recalled.
+
+_Her Friend._ Oh, it's quite early. You'll have plenty of time to get
+a cup of tea, and do some shopping before it's dark.
+
+_The S. L._ (_severely_). That was not precisely what I _meant_,
+ELIZA!
+
+[_But it is precisely what she does._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVERTISEMENT'S ADVERSARIES.
+
+["A Society has been formed to deliver us from hideous
+advertisements."
+
+_The Saturday Review._]
+
+  O newly-formed Society, we note with admiration
+    The truly novel purpose which you seem to have at heart,
+  And with no little eagerness await its consummation,
+    When popular advertisements will shine as works of art.
+
+  Then picturesque localities no longer will be crowded
+    With puffs of panaceas for our universal ills,
+  No longer will the atmosphere be permanently clouded
+    By sky-signs built to promulgate a patent soap or pills.
+
+  No more in train or omnibus will every inch of boarding
+    Be covered with advertisements of variegated hue;
+  No more in every thoroughfare will each obtrusive hoarding
+    Blaze, hideously chromatic, with its yellow, red, and blue.
+
+  One thing, perhaps, you'll tell us,--you will pardon the suggestion--
+    We doubt not your ability your purposes to win,
+  But yet our curiosity would fain propound the question,--
+    How, excellent Society, and when, will you begin?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM IN THE SPRING" may now be seen in all their
+glory at the Crystal Palace Show. The excellent arrangements there
+made for their exhibition prove that they have been designed and
+carried out by a clever "Head"-Gardener.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: At Easter Time the Baron de B.-W. visits his friend
+_The_ Peer of Brighton.]
+
+Seeing that _A Wild Wooing_ (published by F. V. WHITE & CO.) is by
+FLORENCE WARDEN, authoress of _The House on the Marsh_, the Baron
+anticipated a real treat. But he was somewhat disappointed. The novel
+is in one volume, which is an attraction, and that volume is of a
+portable size, which is another note in its favour; also it is
+not illustrated, which is an undisguised blessing. The story is
+interesting up to a certain point, which, however, does not take you
+very far into the book, and, after this point, the murmurings behind
+walls, the moving and dragging of heavy bodies under the floors, the
+insecure rope-ladders, the trap-doors, cellars, underground passages,
+smugglers, murderers, victims, and all sorts of mixed mysteries,
+become tiresome. There is yet another fault, which is, that the story
+is not told in so convincing a style as to make the reader feel quite
+sure that the authoress is not "getting at him" all the time, and
+just trying to see what quantity of old melodramatic stuff he will
+patiently stand.
+
+Henceforth FLORENCE WARDEN will do well to get away from the rusty
+bars, bolts, chains, trap-doors, and cellars, from ruined castles,
+as grim as that of _Udolpho_, "of which," as Sir WALTER said in his
+preface to _Waverley_, "the Eastern wing had long been uninhabited,
+and the keys either lost, or consigned to the care of some aged butler
+or housekeeper, whose trembling steps, &c., &c." Accidentally, turning
+from "White" to "Black," the Baron took up the first volume of the
+excellent re-issue of the _Waverley Novels_, by Messrs. ADAM AND
+CHARLES BLACK, called _The Dryburgh Edition_, and commenced reading
+the introductory chapter of _Waverley_, which at that time, gave the
+death-thrust to the melodramatic horrors of romantic tales, whether
+evolved from the inner consciousness of English writers, or openly
+acknowledged as "taken from the German."
+
+In view of the sensational romance of the present day, towards which,
+when really good, the Baron owns to having a decided leaning--it is
+interesting to note how brave Sir WALTER defied the existing fashion
+in novels of his own time, spurned the sentimental "Mordaunts," the
+"Belvilles," and such like played-out names of ancient chivalry,
+laughed at the heroine "with a profusion of auburn hair and a harp,"
+and, like the Magician of the North that he was, boldly gave to the
+world his historic novels, in which, where History doesn't suit the
+requirements of fiction, it is so much the worse for History. Are
+there very many of the present generation who have not read Sir WALTER
+SCOTT'S novels? If there be any--and there must be, or where would be
+the demand to occasion this new and admirably devised supply--let them
+at once put aside modern sensationalism, and commence WALTER SCOTT as
+a study. The Baron knows personally one man of mature years, who has
+read neither _Waverley_ nor several others of the series, and him he
+envies, for, as the student in question has already set himself to the
+task, he has the greatest literary pleasure of his life yet to
+come. Type, size of book, excellent as a library edition; and the
+illustrations, so far as they have gone, are good, and not too
+distracting. And so, after this unequivocal expression of his
+sentiments, he signs himself,
+
+THE BOLD BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LESSON IN ALTRUISM.
+
+ALWAYS BE KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS--THEIR LIVES ARE SHORT, AND SHOULD
+BE MADE HAPPY AND AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE--EVEN AT THE COST OF A
+LITTLE TEMPORARY DISCOMFORT TO YOURSELF.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DOCTOR BLIMBER-GLADSTONE AND HIS "LIT-TLE
+FRIENDS."
+
+(_Dombeyish Fragments, with a smack of "The Mikado."_)
+
+Whenever a young gentleman was taken in hand by Dr. BLIMBER-GLADSTONE,
+he might consider himself sure of a pretty tight squeeze. The Doctor
+only undertook the charge of a limited number of young gentlemen at a
+time, but he had always ready a supply of "cram" for a hundred, on the
+lowest estimate; and it was at once the business and delight of
+his life to gorge "his young friends," few or many, to their utmost
+capacity, and sometimes beyond it.
+
+In fact, Dr. GLADSTONE'S establishment was a great Hothouse, in which
+there was a forcing apparatus incessantly at work. All the boys blew
+before their time--or so said the Doctor's rivals and foes. Mental
+Green Peas were produced in February, and intellectual Scarlet-Runners
+in March. Mathematical Great Gooseberries were common at untimely
+seasons, other than the appropriate Silly one.
+
+This was all very pleasant and ingenious, but the system of forcing
+was attended with its usual disadvantage. There was sometimes not the
+right taste about the premature productions, and they didn't always
+keep well.
+
+The Doctor's was a mighty fine House, fronting the river. Not always a
+joyful style of House within; sometimes quite the contrary. The seats
+were in rows, like figures in a sum. The sitters also were often in
+rows--with a slight (phonetic) difference. The House was well provided
+with Hot Water, on the "constant-supply" system. But somehow this
+seemed rather to conduce to discomfort than to real cleanliness,--like
+the too frequent and tumultuous "turning-outs" of an over-zealous
+housewife. A "Spring Clean," at St. Stephen's School, was a thing
+to remember, and shudder at. It was not a quiet House at the best of
+times. It seemed ever haunted by the Banshee of Noise, and disturbed
+by the cacophonous ghosts of dead Echoes. At the peacefulest periods
+it was pervaded by a baneful Spook called the "Party Spirit," and
+always by the dull booings of unwilling young gentlemen at their
+lessons, like the raucous murmurings of an assemblage of melancholy
+rooks, or of kites and crows cawing and screaming in the intervals of
+their clamorous scufflings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Holidays? Oh dear yes! If there was one thing Doctor GLADSTONE'S
+"young friends" _did_ care for, it was Holidays! The Doctor himself
+seemed as though he could--and were it possible--would do without
+them. But the Doctor's "lit-tle friends," however docile, could never
+be brought to see _that_. They did not usually commence their Spring
+"term" until February. And they were rips, even rampant, for a long
+"Recess" at Easter. When the Doctor, using his well-beloved formula,
+said, "Gentlemen, we will resume our studies upon----" they hung
+upon his words, and, if the conclusion of his formula showed any
+disposition to cut the Holidays short, they howled loudly in chorus,
+like hungry wolves disappointed of their quarry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was a sight to see Doctor GLADSTONE'S little friends returning to
+School _after_ the Easter Vacation. The Doctor, looking complacently
+expansive, cheerily anticipative, welcomed them on the doorstep.
+_They_ did not welcome _him_. Oh, dear no! Look at them; the five
+senior pupils in front, headed, of course, by that overgrown and
+somewhat ungainly Irish boy, Master PATRICK GREEN, cock of the School,
+and prime favourite of Doctor GLADSTONE! Can you not fancy them
+singing--after a famous original--the following quintett?
+
+           _The Five._ Five little boys for school are we,
+                       Back from a very short ho-li-dee;
+                       All as reluctant as well can be,--
+                           Five little boys for School!
+       _Master Green._ Holiday's over, there's no more fun!      [_Groans._
+       _Master Hodge._ Only just started! Wish I was done!      [_Snivels._
+        _Master Bung._ As for _me_, wish I'd never _begun_!       [_Howls._
+           _The Five._     Five little boys for School!
+  _All_ (_shrinking_). Five little boys who, all unwary,
+                       Entered old GLADSTONE'S big seminary,
+                       Slaves to his Genius tutelary----
+  _The Five_ (_suddenly demure, on catching sight of the Doctor_)--
+                           Five little boys "back to School!.!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DR. GLADSTONE AND HIS YOUNG
+FRIENDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF SOCIETY. II.--A LETTER OF ADVICE.
+
+_From Miss Belinda Bullion at Monte Carlo, to Miss Angelina Veaudor,
+in Mayfair._ (_Being a Pendant to a celebrated Poem by Praed._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  They tell me you've "landed" a lover
+    (Don't pout at the slang, dear, 'tis _chic_),
+  Before your first Season is over,
+    Before I have left you a week.
+  I learned the good news through my mother.
+    Who _is_ he? I wish I could guess.
+  If it's dear Lord FITZ-FRUMPINGTON'S brother,
+    My own ANGELINA, say "Yes."
+
+  _Tres chère_, we know Fortune and Fashion
+    Are sensible girlhood's sole guides,
+  Smart maidenhood ridicules passion,
+    And sentiment calmly derides.
+  I gave you "Bel Ami" as token
+    That we were not victims of "glow;"
+  You gave me your vow--is it broken?
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  We vowed, dear, no matter at what age,
+    By Sentiment not to be hooked,
+  Or cheated by Love in a Cottage,
+    Or Shepherds enchantingly crook'd.
+  Too well, dear, _we_ know modern men's tone,
+    Of "briar" the pipes which _they_ blow.
+  Say, have you gone soft _à la_ SHENSTONE?
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  Remember the cynic romances
+    We read in that Devonshire glen!
+  We are not the slaves of girl-fancies,
+    We've learned far too much about Men!
+  'Tis nice, with your head on his shoulder,
+    To whirl through the waltz with FRANK LOWE,
+  But should poor Adonis grow bolder,
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  You know without wealth and a carriage
+    Life's just a prolonged fit of spleen,
+  So don't let me mourn o'er your marriage
+    With any poor BROWN, JONES, or GREEN.
+  You swore mere romance should not thrill you,
+    Nor gold-less good looks make you glow;
+  And you will not go back on it--will you?
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  We're parted, but sympathy's fetter
+    Unites us, I'm sure of it, still.
+  I read your last laughable letter,
+   And see you are steering with skill.
+  True Love is all fiddlededee, love,
+    Full coffers count only, below.
+  If he's not what your husband should be, Love,
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  If he's over polite in his wooing,
+    If his heart is too plainly a-throb,
+  If he scarce seems aware what he's doing,
+    If he speaks with a blush or a sob;
+  If he is not "dead nuts" on his dinner,
+    If his voice or his spirits run low;
+  If he seems getting paler or thinner,
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  If he gives too much time to his Tennis,
+    Neglectful of dear L. S. D.,
+  If he chatters of WHISTLER and Venice,
+   If he cares about Five o'clock Tea;
+  If he's not sometimes rude or capricious
+    (All swells who have money are so),
+  Such signs are extremely suspicious;
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  If he shows a contempt for "the City,"
+    And drops little jeers about Jews,
+  If he talks of "the People" with pity,
+    Or rails at the Sweaters as "screws,"
+  These things prove a "popular leaning,"
+    And popular leanings are low;
+  Soft heart, and slack purse, are _their_ meaning--
+   My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  If he prates about Property's duties
+    In diction at all Gladstonese,
+  If he's down on Society Beauties,
+    If he has not a stare that can freeze;
+  If he does not abuse Foreign Powers,
+    And vote all philosophy slow,
+  If he's one of the time's "big Bow-wowers,"
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  He must walk like a Cit in his glory,
+    Of Money the true modern test,
+  He must be--yes, of course, dear--a Tory,
+    (As _partis_ that party are best)
+  If he knows not the old Carlton's portal,
+    Then--unless you've a Duke for a beau--
+  I beg you--for girls are but mortal--
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  Don't bother about his extraction
+    Although there's a charm in good birth,
+  But Wealth yields life's sole satisfaction,
+    So find out, dear girl, _what he's worth_!
+  He may be but an oil-striking Yankee,
+    Eccentric in manners and dress,
+  But, if he has tin worth a "thankee,"
+    My own ANGELINA, say "Yes!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISTER JACKY'S VADE MECUM FOR THE EASTER HOLIDAYS.
+
+_Question._ What is the chief object you wish to attain during the
+Vacation?
+
+_Answer._ To have the best time possible under the most favourable
+conditions.
+
+_Q._ Is the comfort of your relations and friends to be taken into
+serious account in attaining this desirable end?
+
+_A._ Certainly not; the details to which you refer are unworthy of a
+moment's consideration.
+
+_Q._ Have you any objection to upsetting all the household
+arrangements on your arrival?
+
+_A._ Unquestionably no. If a morning performance commences at an hour
+early enough to require luncheon to be discussed at 12:30, why the
+_déjeuner à la fourchette_ (as the French would say) must be
+partaken within half-an-hour of noon. In like manner, if an evening
+representation begins at seven, the dinner-hour must be put back to
+half-past five.
+
+_Q._ If these alterations cause any disturbance of your father's
+habits, how would you deal with the matter?
+
+_A._ I would not deal with the matter at all. I would leave all purely
+necessary explanations to my mother.
+
+_Q._ During the time of your vacation will you approve of any
+dinner-parties?
+
+_A._ I have a rooted objection to such entertainments when the guests
+are of my parents' selection. However, I have no objection to a few
+fellows, say, like SMITH Major, or BROWN Minor, dropping in to supper
+on a Sunday.
+
+_Q._ Assuming that the hour you mention is your parents' favourite
+time for peace and quiet, does such an invasion suggest any
+reflection?
+
+_A._ No. If my parents have become slow during my enforced absence
+from home in the search of knowledge, it is time they should have the
+benefit accruing from contact with my revivifying characteristics.
+
+_Q._ Supposing your father expostulates with you, and advances
+the fact that you have received greater advantages than he himself
+enjoyed--for instance, that you have been to Eton--what should you
+reply?
+
+_A._ Practically nothing. However, in the cause of justice and truth,
+it might be advisable to answer his statement of fact that "he had
+never been to Eton" with the reply, "Anyone could see that."
+
+_Q._ If he complains that you do not rise until eleven, smoke
+cigarettes in the dining-room before lunch, smash the grand piano in
+the drawing-room, lame his favourite cob in the Row, and upset all his
+documents in the study, what answer would you make?
+
+_A._ That you were not responsible for the training which he had taken
+under his personal control. He must be satisfied with the broad result
+of your bringing-up.
+
+_Q._ If he declares his intention of addressing the Superintendent of
+your scholastic career on the matter, what would you do?
+
+_A._ Explain that your present position in the school, to which you
+supposed you would have to reluctantly return, was lacking in the
+element of popularity, and that any further move in the direction
+of increased reduction in that element might possibly lead to your
+expulsion. Deprecate personal objection to expulsion, but suggest
+that such a course might, by preventing your getting employment in the
+Church, Army, or Bar, lead to your being on your parents' hands for
+life.
+
+_Q._ When the time has all but arrived for your return to school, what
+should you do?
+
+_A._ Promptly catch the whooping-cough, the influenza, or measles. You
+will then afford a sufficient reason for extending the length of your
+vacation indefinitely.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TERRIBLE TURK.
+
+_Little Spinks._ "AH! ONCE I WAS AS INNOCENT AS A LITTLE CHILD! WHAT I
+AM _NOW_, YOUR SEX HAS MADE ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOBLE SELF-SACRIFICE.
+
+"The Duke of DEVONSHIRE has arranged to return from Monte Carlo
+on Saturday," so said the _Morning Post_, "in order to address a
+political meeting at Glasgow on April 14th." His Grace having torn
+himself away from delightful Monte Carlo, will then attempt to turn
+the tables on the _Liberales Gladstonienses_. But fancy renouncing
+sunny Mount Charles--"O Charley Mount is a pleasant place," as sang
+_Miles na Coppaleen_, who was, by the way, miles away from Monte
+Carlo--with its azure sky, its deep blue sea, its verdant green-cloth
+table land, its delightful _promenades à pied_, and its frisky
+_gambols à la roulette_, where the sunset and sunrise are _rouge_,
+and _noir_ is only "on the cards." Fancy renouncing these gay southern
+delights to live a laborious day in dry, hard, northern Glasgow!
+"O swallow, swallow, flying, flying South," how would you like to be
+checked in your holiday-making airy career in order to be brought back
+to the cold and cruel North? Such a self-sacrifice as this is indeed
+memorable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE BY THE SEA.   WIND N.E. BY E.
+
+  "We do not speak as we pass by!"
+  But tears down trickle from our eye!
+  Alas! Our love remains untold----
+  For each has got a thundering cold!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOKS THAT OUGHT TO APPEAR.
+
+_I Banish the Street Organs!_ By the Author of _I Forbid the Banns!_
+
+_A Boy's Present._ (Birthday Book.) By the Author of _A Girl's Past_.
+
+No. 1 of _The Domestic Lyre_, as a Companion to _The Family
+Storyteller_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YET THEY LOOK SO INNOCENT!--In the Language of Flowers, what species
+should always express untruths?--Li-lies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 27._--The Lowther Arcade not
+getting on so well as thought when projected. The Master Builder
+been diligently at work, but result disappointing. On Friday he
+got terribly snubbed by SPEAKER. Comes up to-day to make personal
+explanation. That a bait at which House usually jumps; always ready to
+be amused, or interested with scandal about Queen ELIZABETH and other
+persons. These things usually promised by personal explanation. To-day
+no flutter of excitement moved crowded House. JEMMY, approaching table
+with most judicial air, received with mocking laughter, and ironical
+cheers. Some difficulty in quite making out what he was at. Evidently
+something to do with SQUIRE of MALWOOD; but SQUIRE so inextricably
+mixed up with Supplementary Estimates, couldn't make out which
+was which. JAMES pounded along in most ponderous style; SQUIRE
+contemptuously replied; no one else inclined to join in conversation,
+and the Master Builder gloomily resumed his seat.
+
+"Never mind," I said, not liking to see an old friend cast down; "Rome
+wasn't built in a day, nor the Cave of Adullam excavated in a week.
+These things grow. You must have patience, and the Lowther Arcade
+will still flourish. Let me see, whom you have got? There's BARTLEY,
+HANBURY, and TOMMY BOWLES. LOWE, forming his Cave, hadn't so many to
+start with."
+
+"Yes," said the Master Builder, "that's all very well; but, fact is,
+you can't reckon upon these fellows as being, so to speak, colonnades
+in the Arcade. They are all on their own hook; fighting for their own
+hand; won't take the lead from me; must go foraging for themselves.
+HANBURY thinks he can boss a show better than most men. BARTLEY'S
+obstreperous. TOMMY BOWLES would be all right if he were left to
+himself, free from the companionship of designing men. He is young,
+ingenuous, not wholly lost to a sense of regard for his pastors and
+masters, lack of which is the curse of modern Youth. I believe TOMMY
+respects me, and, only for the evil communications to which he is
+subject on the back bench, would work loyally with me in establishing
+the Arcade."
+
+There was unwonted moisture in the Master Builder's eye as he turned
+round, and regarded the Member for King's Lynn what time he softly
+whistled to himself the old Jacobite air, "_Tommy make Room for your
+Uncle_."
+
+_Business done._--Vote of Censure moved by Prince ARTHUR; Government
+majority runs up on division to 47; Ministerialists, fresh from
+meeting at Foreign Office, agree that, on whole, have spent a happy
+day. Debate spasmodically dull. Prince ARTHUR could not lift it out of
+the rut, nor GRANDOLPH either. Only Mr. G. shone with effulgent light
+through gloom of evening. Principal result of manoeuvre, beyond
+giving fillip to majority, is that a day will be filched from meagre
+holidays, and House must needs sit on Thursday.
+
+_Tuesday._--Mr. G. looked in in time to say a few words in reply to
+Prince ARTHUR'S inquiries as to business arrangements. Later he came
+back, and delivered excellent speech; brief, and direct to point.
+House been talking all morning round Vote on Account. MACFARLANE done
+Rule-of-three sum, to show how twelve hundred days are lost every week
+by necessity imposed upon Members of coming down two hours in advance
+to take their seats. Some disposition shown by practical Members to
+argue question whether there could be twelve hundred days in any week,
+even in Leap-Year.
+
+"I know I'm right," said MACFARLANE, and the sceptics, gazing
+respectfully at his flowing beard, withdrew from controversy.
+
+House divided on Motion by LEGH to reduce Foreign Office Vote.
+Ministerial majority run up at a jump to 225. Time by Westminster
+clock, 6.10 P.M.; in twenty minutes, sitting will be suspended; Vote
+must be through Committee to-day; TOMMY BOWLES (who hasn't made a
+speech for a quarter of an hour) on his feet; sheafs of manuscript in
+his hand; would certainly oblige to extent of twenty minutes; BARON
+DE WORMS also has a few remarks to offer; probable length of Channel
+Tunnel. Mr. G. interposes. "Mr. MELLOR," he said, addressing Chairman,
+"I claim to have the question now put."
+
+Ringing cheers went up from Ministerialists. TOMMY resumed his seat;
+gruefully glanced at notes. The Noble Baron saw in this manoeuvre
+fresh proof that Mr. G. had sold himself to Germany; having completed
+preparation for separation of the Empire on the side of the Irish
+Channel, would immediately after, by medium of WATKIN'S Tunnel, place
+what was left of the country at the mercy of a foreign foe. Meanwhile
+Closure moved; what's more, carried on division by swingeing majority
+of over a hundred. So Vote agreed to; Mr. G. gets off for short drive
+before dressing for dinner.
+
+[Illustration: EASTER AT THE ZOO.]
+
+Earned a night's rest, and a longer Easter holiday than he has
+allotted to himself and us. Older he gets, the younger he seems. His
+work to-day should make the eight-hours' man blush. At bay in Downing
+Street since twelve o'clock with two hostile deputations. Came from
+Ulster and the City, resolved to beard Home-Rule Lion in his den.
+Alone he met them; one down, the other come on; no interval of rest;
+picked men from Ulster, Selected Captains from the City, surged around
+table at which he sat. Hardly left him time to reply. Having politely
+conducted Ulster to door, enter the City Fathers, fresh and eager for
+fray. Told him over again in varied phrase how he was bringing country
+to verge of ruin; listened with perfect courtesy, as if they'd been
+discussing someone else--say, his next-door neighbour, SQUIRE of
+MALWOOD and Junior Lord of Downing Street. Up again when last in list
+of City speakers had concluded. Almost persuaded JOHN LUBBOCK to be
+a Home-Ruler; then down to House, dealing with mass of correspondence
+littering his table in room behind SPEAKER'S chair; alert on sound of
+division-bell; comes in to move Closure; remembers that in long list
+of speeches never made this particular one before; looks up PALGRAVE'S
+_Handbook_; cons his lesson and declaims brief formula in deep rich
+voice that lends touch of eloquence to its unadorned, remorseless
+demand. All this, too, following on a day like yesterday, when two
+other deputations stormed Downing Street; drew from him weighty reply;
+followed, after hasty dinner, by a speech in the House on the eternal
+Irish question, which GRANDOLPH rightly termed, "entrancing."
+
+"A Grand Old Man, indeed!" said PRINCE ARTHUR, talking over these
+things to-night, when he should have been listening to TOMMY BOWLES,
+who having at the morning sitting had his speech on Vote on Account
+closured, delivered another at evening sitting on the question of the
+Depreciation of Silver as it affects domestic architecture in China
+and Peru.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account through Committee.
+
+_Thursday._--CAINE going about House this afternoon, his slim figure
+bulging out at the pockets in mysterious fashion, "Brought your supper
+with you?" I asked, lightly touching one of the excrescences that felt
+like an imperial pint of ginger-beer (WHITE 1880). "You seem bursting
+with broiled bones. All no use. No more all-night sittings _this_ side
+of Easter."
+
+[Illustration: Portrait of a Member of Parliament examining the
+Signatures to a Petition against the Local-Veto Bill, to see if they
+are genuine or not. (_Vide_ Report of the Proceedings in the Commons,
+March 28, which suggests that they are obtained in Public Houses.)]
+
+"No, my boy, you're wrong," said CAINE. "Fact is, I'm going off to
+the country, and these protuberances you observe about my person are
+phonograms. All labelled, you see," he said, taking out cylinders from
+several pockets. "Here are a few remarks on Registration; that's my
+Local-Veto Speech; and here is an entirely new view of the Home-Rule
+question. If you like to come over to my house at Clapham--close by,
+you know, busses every ten minutes--you shall have a night's thorough
+enjoyment. Leave you in the room by yourself with the phonograph. Pop
+in one of these cylinders; set the phonograph whizzing; and you'll
+hear me on Local Veto. Take out cylinder, put in another, and you'll
+know more about Home Rule in five minutes than you ever dreamt.
+Can only let you have them for to-night. To-morrow they go down to
+Yorkshire, and thro' Easter Recess I shall be delivering, at various
+places, six speeches every night, I myself comfortably making holiday
+in Wales." "Thank you," I said; "but, if you'll excuse me, I think
+I'll go home and go to bed." In truth, a little depressed. Here's a
+nice prospect for the holidays! Bad enough to have Members working off
+at public meetings speeches that had been closured in Commons. But if
+every man is, during the recess, to multiply himself by phonography,
+the last state of this country will be worse than the first.
+
+_Business done._--Adjourned for Easter Holidays. Just escaped sitting
+over Good Friday. Back next Thursday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW "FOURTH PARTY."
+
+T. G. B-wl-s.  Right Hon. J-m-s L-wth-r.  G. C. B-rtl-y.  R. W. H-nb-ry.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note:
+Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+104, April 8, 1893, by Various
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+April 8, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 8, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2007 [EBook #22671]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>Volume 104, April 8th 1893</h2>
+<h3>edited by Sir Francis Burnand </h3>
+
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span>
+<h2>SPORTING ANSWERS.</h2>
+
+<h3>ANGLING.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Fleacatcher.</span>&mdash;Yes, the trout in the river
+Itching (this is the only correct spelling)
+are red, and, before they are boiled, raw.
+The best method of catching them is to tickle
+them. When you have hooked an Itching
+trout, you first scratch him, and then cook
+him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Novice.</span>&mdash;We only knew one man who could
+make a decent rod, and he
+died twenty years ago.
+Remember the old adage
+so dear to <span class="sc">Izaak</span>, <i>Qui parcit
+virg&aelig; spoliat puerum</i>. For
+instructions as to use of
+implement, and translation
+of Latin, apply to any
+head-master. Failure in
+the latter will inevitably
+lead to application of the
+former. Then pause for
+reflection, but <i>don't sit
+down</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Spook.</span>&mdash;What on earth
+is the use of applying to
+us about a phantom? We
+never keep one on the
+premises. Try personal
+interview with <span class="sc">W. T.
+Stead</span>, who has a fine
+selection, <span class="sc">Julia</span> being
+specially effective. Why
+do you ask if we generally
+spin? Not having been
+born a top, we prefer walking.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Contemplative.</span>&mdash;(1) It's
+absolutely useless offering
+us these paltry inducements
+to betray the secrets
+of our skill. We are&mdash;we
+hope we may say it without
+undue pride&mdash;an All-Round
+Angler, and we are
+not going to be squared by
+a bait of that kind. (2)
+We have never pretended
+we were a salmon. If
+<span class="sc">Andrew Lang</span> says we
+have, we challenge him to
+repeat it to our face before
+witnesses. (3) Whitebait
+are no longer kept in the
+Round Pond at Kensington.
+We knew as many as four
+there ten years ago.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Calipee.</span>&mdash;You are quite
+right. When a ship turns
+turtle the fact is instantly
+communicated to the Lord
+Mayor and Aldermen of
+the City of London. They
+proceed to the spot in the
+<i>Maria Wood</i>, and the one
+who secures the interesting saurian is allowed
+to eat all the green fat. With you we hope
+devoutly that the time is far distant when
+the desecrating hand of a Socialistic Government
+will be allowed to lay a finger on these
+ancient civic customs. No. The Fishmongers'
+Company do not sell fish. Their motto is,
+<i>Edo, non vendo</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Acton Est.</span>&mdash;<i>The Cornhill Magazine</i> for
+this month has an interesting article on
+"Actors and Actresses in Westminster
+Abbey," not seen there much when alive,
+but there for good after their decease. It
+is stated of Mrs. <span class="sc">Barry</span> that she was not
+interred in the Abbey, as has been, it appears,
+generally supposed, but found her resting-place
+at Acton. Odd, that when she had
+ceased to act, she should be sent to Act-on!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%" src="images/157.png" alt="'TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, AND THE POUNDS,' &amp;c." /></a>
+<h4>"TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, AND THE POUNDS," &amp;c.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Muriel.</i> "<span class="sc">Mamma, what have you got the Carriage out for so late?
+Where <i>are</i> you going?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Goldie.</i> "<span class="sc">Now, Muriel, you know how your Father keeps worrying
+about Extravagance, and of course I must set an Example. So I'm going
+to the Public Library to see the Evening Paper!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE CRY OF THE CUE-IST.</h3>
+<h4>(<i>To the Champion, by a Discouraged Competitor.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Break, break, break,</p>
+<p class="i2">On the smooth green board, O <span class="sc">John</span>!</p>
+<p>And I would civil words could utter</p>
+<p class="i2">My thoughts, as the game goes on!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>O well for the three-figure runs</p>
+<p class="i2">You have made since we opened play!</p>
+<p>O ill for my nine thousand start,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which you're lessening day by day!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And the marvellous shots go on</p>
+<p class="i2">To your score, which is mounting still!</p>
+<p>But O for a touch of that wondrous hand,</p>
+<p class="i2">And a slice of that startling skill!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Break, break, break!</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>There's</i> a shot! Great Scott! O, see!</p>
+<p>What tender grace! And if once ahead</p>
+<p class="i2">You will never "come back" to me!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Epsom Spring Meeting.</span>"&mdash;In former
+times this used to be a fashionable rendezvous
+for invalids who went there to drink
+the beneficial waters of the Epsom Spring.
+Now there is not much water taken at these
+Spring Meetings; and what water is taken
+is not "an unmixed good."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">A Lesson in "Book-keeping.</span>"&mdash;Never
+lend one.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>AFTER THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>An Office.</i> <span class="sc">Brown</span> <i>and</i> <span class="sc">Jones</span>
+<i>discovered
+talking over the incidents of the
+recent holiday.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Yes; I was up at six on the
+Monday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Well, you were in luck; for I had
+to be ready by four. The battalion had to
+be drawn up at the station by 4&middot;45.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> To be sure. You went down before
+we did.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Yes. I wish we
+had got some coffee before
+starting.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> But you had
+your breakfast on your
+arrival, didn't you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Yes, to be sure;
+but as we were a bit late,
+it was rather a scramble.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Well, of course
+one has to get on to parade as
+soon as possible. We cut it
+rather fine too. But that's
+the case with all of us.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> To be sure; and
+if you lose time at one
+end, you must make up for
+it at the other&mdash;that stands
+to reason. And how did
+you get on?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> First rate. We
+were on the march from
+nine to five.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> So were we; and
+didn't have time scarcely
+to get to our havresacks.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Just our fortune.
+Always on the move. I
+wore out my leathers in
+fine style.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> So did I. And
+then we had to go back to
+the train before we could
+get any dinner.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> My fate too.
+And, when I got home, the
+slavey had forgotten to lay
+supper!</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> So had mine.
+But still it was a glorious
+holiday&mdash;now, wasn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> I should say it
+was! A glorious holiday!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>They return to their ledgers</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Abscondrelism.</span>&mdash;I
+belong to a Building
+Society. At present the
+concern is exceptionally
+prosperous, and I have no
+reason to suppose that the
+Directors and Manager are
+not scrupulously honest. Still, it is as well
+to be prepared for all eventualities, and, as a
+couple of years seems to be about the time
+required by the authorities before they can
+make up their minds to prosecute anybody,
+I should like to know if I could apply for a
+warrant against the officials of my Society
+<i>at once</i>, so as to have everything ready in
+case any of them should develop fraudulent
+tendencies a few years hence? Would there
+be any objection to this? Perhaps some legal
+reader would reply. Also, is it a fact that
+Messrs. <span class="sc">Balbert and Hurlfour</span> have started
+a model Colony, on entirely new and philanthropic
+lines, in Mexico, and are inviting
+English settlers (unconnected with the
+"Liberator" Society) to join them there,
+the prospectus of the scheme being headed:&mdash;"By
+kind permission of the Public Prosecutor"?&mdash;<span class="sc">Prophylactic</span>.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HER "DAY OF REST."</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>The Song of the Shop-Girl.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%" src="images/158.png" alt="As one poor shop-girl said:&mdash;'After the fatigue and worry of the week...." /></a>
+<p>"As one poor shop-girl said:&mdash;'After the fatigue and worry of
+the week, I am so thoroughly worn out, that my only thought is to rest on a
+Sunday; but it goes too quickly, and the other days drag on so slowly!'"&mdash;<i>Quoted by
+Sir John Lubbock in the recent Debate on Early Closing for Shops.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">Eight o'clock strikes!</p>
+<p class="i6">The short day's sped,&mdash;</p>
+<p>My Day of Rest! That beating in my head</p>
+<p>Hammers on still, like coffin-taps. He likes,</p>
+<p>Our lynx-eyed chief, to see us brisk and trim</p>
+<p>On Monday mornings; and though brains may swim,</p>
+<p>And breasts sink sickeningly with nameless pain,</p>
+<p><i>He</i> cannot feel the faintness and the strain,</p>
+<p>And what are they to him?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">This morning's sun peeped in</p>
+<p class="i6">Invitingly, as though to win</p>
+<p>My footsteps fieldwards, just one day in seven!</p>
+<p>The thought of hedgerows was like opening heaven,</p>
+<p class="i6">And the stray sunray's gleam,</p>
+<p class="i4">Threading the dingy blind,</p>
+<p class="i6">Seemed part of a sweet dream,</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>
+<p>For in our sleep the Fates <i>are</i> sometimes kind.</p>
+<p>"Come out!" it said, "but not with weary tread,</p>
+<p class="i6">And feet of lead,</p>
+<p>The long, mud-cumbered, cold, accustomed way,</p>
+<p>For the great Shop is shuttered close to-day,</p>
+<p class="i4">And you awhile are free!"</p>
+<p><i>Free?</i> With a chain of iron upon my heart,</p>
+<p>That drags me down, and makes the salt tears start!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, that inexorable weariness</p>
+<p>That through the enfeebled flesh lays crushing stress</p>
+<p class="i2">On the young spirit! Young? There is no youth</p>
+<p class="i2">For such as I. It dies, in very truth,</p>
+<p>At the first touch of the taskmaster's hand.</p>
+<p>A doctrine hard for you to understand,</p>
+<p class="i2">Gay sisters of the primrose path,</p>
+<p>Whose only chain is as a flowery band.</p>
+<p class="i2">The toil that outstays nature hath</p>
+<p>A palsying power, a chilling force</p>
+<p>Which freezes youth at its fresh source.</p>
+<p class="i4">Only the Comus wand</p>
+<p>Of an unhallowed Pleasure offers such</p>
+<p>Freedom, and with pollution in its touch.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">The languid lift</p>
+<p>Of head from pillow tells us the good gift</p>
+<p>Of Sabbath rest is more than half in vain.</p>
+<p class="i2">Tired! Tired! In flesh, bone, brain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Heart, fancy, pulse, and nerve!</p>
+<p>Such is our doom who stand and serve</p>
+<p>The unrewarding public, thoughtless they</p>
+<p class="i2">Of slaves whose souls they slay!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, that long standing&mdash;standing&mdash;standing yet!</p>
+<p>With the flesh sick, the inmost soul a-fret,</p>
+<p class="i2">Pale, pulseless patiences, our very sex,</p>
+<p>That should be a protection, one more load</p>
+<p class="i2">To lade, and chafe, and vex.</p>
+<p>No tired ox urged to tramping by the goad</p>
+<p class="i2">Feels a more mutely-maddening weariness</p>
+<p>Than we white, black-garbed spectral girls who stand</p>
+<p>Stonily smiling on while ladies grand,</p>
+<p class="i2">Easily seated, idly turn and toss</p>
+<p class="i2">The samples; and our Watcher, 'neath the gloss</p>
+<p>Of courtly smugness glaring menace, stalks</p>
+<p>About us, creaking cruelty as he walks.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Stand! Stand! Still stand!</p>
+<p class="i4">Clenched teeth and clutching hand,</p>
+<p>Swift blanching cheek, and twitching muscle, tell</p>
+<p>To those who know, what <i>we</i> know all too well,</p>
+<p class="i4">Ignored by Fashion, coldly mocked by Trade.</p>
+<p class="i4">Are we not for the sacrifice arrayed</p>
+<p>In dainty vesture? Pretty, too, they say</p>
+<p>Male babblers, whom our sufferings and poor pay</p>
+<p class="i4">Might shock, could they but guess</p>
+<p class="i4">Trim figure and smart dress</p>
+<p>Cover and hide, from all but doctor-ken,</p>
+<p>Disease and threatening death. Oh! men, men, men!</p>
+<p class="i2">You bow, smile, flatter&mdash;aught but <i>understand</i>!</p>
+<p class="i6">Long hours lay lethal hand</p>
+<p>Upon our very vitals. Seats might save</p>
+<p class="i6">From an untimely grave,</p>
+<p>Hundreds of harried, inly anguished girls;</p>
+<p><i>You</i> see&mdash;their snow-girt throats and neatly-ordered curls!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Out to the green fields? Nay,</p>
+<p class="i4">This all too fleeting day</p>
+<p>To rest is dedicate. But not the rest</p>
+<p>Of brightened spirit, and of lightened breast.</p>
+<p>The dull, dead, half-inanimate leaden crouch</p>
+<p>Of sheer exhaustion on this shabby couch</p>
+<p class="i4">Is all my week's repose.</p>
+<p class="i4">Read? But the tired eyes close,</p>
+<p class="i2">The book from nerveless fingers drops;</p>
+<p class="i4">Almost the slow heart stops.</p>
+<p>But the clock halts not on its restless round.</p>
+<p>Weariness shudders at the whirring sound,</p>
+<p class="i4">As the sharp strike declares</p>
+<p class="i4">Swift to its closing wears</p>
+<p>One more of those brief interludes from toil</p>
+<p>Which leave us still the labour-despot's spoil,</p>
+<p class="i2">Slaves of long hours and unrelaxing strain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unstrengthened and unsolaced, soon again</p>
+<p class="i2">To tread the round, and lift the lengthening chain;</p>
+<p><i>Stand</i>&mdash;till hysteria lays its hideous clutch</p>
+<p>On our girl-hearts, or epilepsy's touch</p>
+<p class="i2">Thrills through tired nerves and palsied brain.</p>
+<p class="i6">Again&mdash;again&mdash;again!</p>
+<p><i>How long?</i> Till Death, upon its kindly quest,</p>
+<p class="i4">Gives a true Day of Rest!
+</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figright1" style="width:20%;"><h3>EASTER MAN&OElig;UVRES.</h3>
+
+<a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%" src="images/159.png" alt="BACCHUS ON A BICYCLE!" border="0" /></a>
+<h4>BACCHUS ON A BICYCLE!</h4>
+
+<h4>(<span class="sc">A "Safety" too!!</span>)</h4>
+
+<p><i>This incident repeated itself to infinity from the
+East End to Hammersmith and back!!</i></p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class="sc">Royal Rewards to Good Players</span>.&mdash;"As
+a sequel to the performance of <i>Becket</i> at
+Windsor, Mr. <span class="sc">Irving</span>"&mdash;as we were informed
+by the <i>Daily News</i>&mdash;"was presented by the
+<span class="sc">Queen</span> with a stud." What will he do with
+the stud? Will he take to the turf, go racing,
+and keep the stud at some Newmarket
+training-stables? Perhaps "the stud" consisted
+of fifty "ponies"&mdash;but this is a purse-an'-all
+matter, into which we are not at
+liberty to inquire. Miss <span class="sc">Ellen Terry</span> received
+a brooch from <span class="sc">Her Majesty</span>, on
+which are the letters "V.R.I." Our <span class="sc">'Arry</span>
+says these initials signify "<i>Ve Are 'I</i>ghly
+pleased." Or, taking the two presents together,
+as speaking, V.R.I, might mean, says
+<span class="sc">'Arry</span>, "<i>Ve R-Ived safely</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>LION AND LAMB.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["I think that when we consider an Opposition,
+in which Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>
+pacifically sit down&mdash;or lie down, together, we
+need not, ourselves, feel very sensitive on the
+subject of homogeneity."&mdash;<i>Mr. Gladstone at the
+F. O. Liberal Meeting.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Solly had a little Lamb,</p>
+<p class="i2">From Brummagem you know!</p>
+<p>And wheresoever <span class="sc">Solly</span> went</p>
+<p class="i2">That Lamb was bound to go.</p>
+<p>The Lion and the Lamb in fact!</p>
+<p class="i2">And what could be more jolly?</p>
+<p>Yet some <i>do</i> whisper that&mdash;sometimes&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">The Lamb seems leading <span class="sc">Solly</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">What Ho, Apothecary</span>!"&mdash;Last week
+the Earl of <span class="sc">Bessborough</span> was announced as
+having arrived at Bessborough, Pilltown,
+Ireland. What an appropriate spot for
+erecting an Irish Apothecaries' Hall! What
+is Lord <span class="sc">Bessborough's</span> family name? Is
+it The <span class="sc">O'Cockle</span>?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE AUTHOR.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>It lay on the book-stall for sale,</p>
+<p class="i2">But no one to purchase seemed willing,</p>
+<p>The ticket was "Humorous Tale,</p>
+<p class="i2">Two-and-sixpence&mdash;reduced to a shilling."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But the humour was lost upon me.</p>
+<p class="i2">And the jest fell uncommonly flat.</p>
+<p>Could the jokes I had written then be</p>
+<p class="i2">So fallen in value as that?</p>
+  </div>  </div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">The First Duty of an Opposition</span> (<i>As
+it now seems to be understood</i>).&mdash;"To lie in
+cool Obstruction, and talk rot."&mdash;(<i>Shakspeare</i>&mdash;slightly
+<i>adapted</i>.)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Modern Translation by our Youngest
+Sporting Etonian</span>.&mdash;"<i>In form&acirc; pauperis</i>"&mdash;<i>i.e.</i>,
+"in rather poor form."</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>AT AN AFTERNOON ENTERTAINMENT.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Prince's Hall, Piccadilly. Among the Audience are</i>&mdash;A
+London Aunt, <i>and her</i> Eldest Daughter, <i>with a</i> Cousin from
+the Country, <i>who is just a little difficult to amuse; a</i> Serious-minded
+Lady <i>from Brixton, with a more frivolous</i> Friend;
+<i>a pair of</i> Fianc&eacute;s; <i>and an</i> Unsophisticated Father, <i>with an</i>
+Up-to-date little Daughter. <i>An exhibition of "Pure Sleight-of-Hand"
+has just been given on the Stage.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Serious Lady.</i> Clever? Yes, my dear, it is <i>clever</i> enough, if
+that's all; but I never can
+quite reconcile <i>my</i> conscience
+to encouraging a fellow-creature
+to make a living by
+deliberate deception!</p>
+
+<p><i>Her Friend.</i> Oh, I don't
+see any harm in conjuring,
+myself.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. L.</i> I can't forget
+that Pharaoh had his Sorcerers
+and Magicians, and
+how <i>they</i> acted!</p>
+
+<p><i>Her Friend.</i> Ah, I never
+saw <i>them</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>The London Aunt</i> (<i>to her</i>
+Niece). Enjoying it, <span class="sc">Sophy</span>?
+Such a <i>treat</i> for you, to see
+really good conjuring!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sophy.</i> Yes, Aunt, thank
+you. But our new Curate
+did that trick with <i>two</i>
+rabbits at the last Penny
+Readings we had!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>A calico screen is brought
+forward on which the
+Entertainer throws various
+shadows with his
+hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The S. L.</i> Is that a little
+house at the corner? Oh,
+he doesn't do <i>that</i> with his
+hands&mdash;then I see no merit
+in it. Who's that? (<i>A
+small male shadow, cast by
+the performer's right hand,
+crosses the screen, and knocks
+timidly at the door, which
+is opened by the left hand,
+in the character of a little
+Lady. The couple embrace
+effusively, and retire inside.</i>)
+Ah, that's the husband
+coming home!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Another male shadow enters
+and knocks furiously,
+while the little Lady
+reconnoitres cautiously
+from the window above.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Her Friend.</i> I expect <i>that</i>
+must be the husband.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. L.</i> What?&mdash;and
+the wife behaving like that
+in his absence! If I thought
+<i>that</i> was the&mdash;&mdash; (<i>The first
+male shadow comes out, and
+fights the second, who retreats,
+worsted.</i>) I never saw anything
+so scandalous. How
+you can call yourself consistent,
+and sit there and
+<i>laugh</i> at such things&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>Her Friend</i> (<i>apologetically</i>).
+I can't help laughing&mdash;and,
+after all, perhaps they're only rival lovers, or he's her
+<i>father</i>, or something.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. L.</i> And she inviting one to come into the house in that
+bold way&mdash;a nice example for young persons! Look there, he's
+come back with a flageolet, and she's actually poured a jug of
+water on his head out of the window! "Only a pair of hands," did
+you say? So it <i>may</i> be&mdash;but we all know <i>who</i> it is that "Finds
+some mischief still For idle hands to do"&mdash;and there we have an
+illustration of it, my dear.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She shakes herself down in her sealskins with virtuous
+disapproval.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Unsophisticated Father</i> (<i>who has been roaring with laughter</i>).
+Capital! It is amazingly clever, 'pon my word! Can't imagine
+how they do these things&mdash;can <i>you</i>, <span class="sc">Vivvie</span>? [<i>To Up-to-Date
+Child.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Vivien.</i> Oh, well I've seen so much conjuring at parties,
+you know, Father, that I don't notice it particularly,&mdash;but it's nice
+to see <i>you</i> so amused!</p>
+
+<p><i>The U. F.</i> I'm <i>young</i>, you see, <span class="sc">Vivvie</span>; but I hope you're
+not
+bored?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Miss V.</span> No, I'm not <i>bored</i>&mdash;only I thought there'd be some
+Serpentine dancing, and more of the <i>Music Hall</i> about it.</p>
+
+<p><i>The U. F.</i> Music Hall! Why, what do <i>you</i> know about Music
+Halls, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss V.</i> (<i>with calm superiority</i>). Several of their songs&mdash;if
+you call <i>that</i> anything.</p>
+
+<p><i>The U. F.</i> I should be inclined to call it a good deal too
+much!</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss V.</i> (<i>compassionately</i>). Would you? Poor dear Father!
+But you never <i>were</i> very modern, were you?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>A Blind-folded Lady on the Stage has been reading and
+adding up figures on a black board, and now offers to tell
+the day of the week of any person's birth in the audience.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Her Colleague.</i> Will some
+gentleman kindly oblige me
+with the date of his birth?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Fianc&eacute;e.</i> Now, <span class="sc">Jack</span>,
+tell yours. I <i>want</i> you to.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jack</i> (<i>in an unnaturally
+gruff voice</i>). Fourteenth of
+February, eighteen-sixty-nine!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Blindfolded Lady</i>
+(<i>with the air of the Delphic
+Pythia</i>). Yes&mdash;<i>that</i> fell upon
+a Monday. [<i>Applause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Her Coll.</i> Is that correct,
+Sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jack.</i> Don't know.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He reddens, and tries to
+look unconscious.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Her Coll.</i> Now I will ask
+the Lady if she can mention
+some event of importance
+that took place on the same
+date.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Bl. L.</i> Let me think.
+Yes. (<i>Solemnly.</i>) On the
+same date, in the year seventeen-hundred-and-thirty-seven,
+goloshes were first
+invented! [<i>Loud applause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Miss V.</i> (<i>as the pair retire</i>).
+Well, thank goodness, we've
+seen the last of that beastly
+black-board. I didn't come
+here to add up sums. What
+is it next? Oh, a "Farmyard
+Imitator." I expect
+that will be rather rot,
+Father, don't you?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter a Gentleman in evening
+dress who gives realistic
+imitations of various
+live-stock.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Country Cousin.</i>
+That's <i>exactly</i> the way our
+little Berkshire pig grunts,
+and "Sweetlips" calls her
+calf just like that&mdash;and, oh,
+<span class="sc">Katie</span>, I <i>wonder</i> if he could
+have heard our Dorkings
+clucking at home&mdash;I think
+he <i>must</i> have&mdash;he does it so
+exactly the same!</p>
+
+<p><i>Katie.</i> Then you do think
+<i>that's</i> clever, <span class="sc">Sophy</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sophy.</i> Oh, well&mdash;for an <i>imitation</i>, you know!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>A "Sensational Cage Mystery" is introduced; a pretty child
+is shut up in a cage, which is opened a moment after, and
+found to contain a Negro who capers out, grinning.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The London Aunt.</i> <span class="sc">Sophy</span>, do you see that?&mdash;there's a black
+man there now, instead!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sophy</i> (<i>without enthusiasm</i>). Yes, Aunt, I see, thank you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Katie.</i> Don't you <i>like</i> it, <span class="sc">Sophy</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sophy.</i> I don't see why it need have been a <i>Nigger</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. L.</i> (<i>after a "Humorous Musical Sketch" by a clever and,
+charming young Lady</i>). Like <i>that</i>, my dear?&mdash;a Young Woman
+giving a description of how she actually went on the Stage, and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page161" id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span>
+imitating men in that way! It was as much as <i>I</i> could do to sit
+still in my seat!</p>
+
+<p><i>Her Friend.</i> I must say I thought it was very amusing.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. L.</i> Amusing? I daresay. But, to my mind, young girls
+have no <i>business</i> to be amusing, and take off other people. I've no
+opinion of such ways myself. I don't know what my dear Mother
+would have done if <i>I'd</i> ever been amusing&mdash;she would have broken
+her heart, I do believe!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Friend</i> (<i>to herself</i>). She wouldn't have split her sides, that's
+very certain!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>A</i> Lady Physiognomist <i>appears in cap and gown, and invites
+a subject to step upon the stage, and have his or her character
+revealed.</i></p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%" src="images/160.png" alt="He blinks and smiles in feeble confusion." /></a>
+<h4>"He blinks and smiles in feeble confusion."</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Jack</i> (<i>to his Fianc&eacute;e</i>). No, I say&mdash;but look here, <span class="sc">Flossie</span>,
+<i>really</i>
+I'd rather not&mdash;with all these people looking!</p>
+
+<p><i>Flossie.</i> Then I shall think you've something to <i>conceal</i>,
+<span class="sc">Jack</span>&mdash;you
+wouldn't like me to feel that <i>already</i>, would you?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="sc">Jack</span>, <i>resignedly, mounts the platform, and occupies a chair, in
+which he blinks and smiles in feeble confusion, while the</i>
+Professor <i>studies his features dispassionately.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Lady Phys.</i> The first thing to notice is the disposition of the
+ears. Now here we have a Gentleman whose ears stick out in a
+very remarkable manner. [<i>Delight of Audience.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Flossie</i> (<i>to herself</i>). They <i>do</i>&mdash;awfully! I never noticed it
+before.
+But it really rather suits him; at least&mdash;&mdash; [<i>She meditates.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The L. Ph.</i> This denotes an original and inquiring mind; this
+gentleman takes nothing on trust&mdash;likes to see everything for
+himself; he observes a good deal more than he ever says anything
+about. His nose is wide at the tip, showing a trustful and confiding
+disposition; it has a bump in the centre, denoting a moderate amount
+of combativeness. The nostrils indicate a keen sense of humour.
+(<i>Here</i> <span class="sc">Jack</span> <i>giggles bashfully.</i>) There is a twist in the
+upper lip,
+which indicates&mdash;well, I won't say that he would actually tell an
+<i>untruth</i>&mdash;but if he had the opportunity for doing so, he has the
+capacity for taking advantage of it. I think that is all I have to
+say about this Gentleman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Flossie</i> (<i>to</i> <span class="sc">Jack</span>, <i>after he has returned to her
+side</i>). <span class="sc">Jack</span>, if you
+can't leave off having an original and inquiring mind, you must at
+least promise me <i>one</i> thing&mdash;it's very little to ask!</p>
+
+<p><i>Jack.</i> You know I'd do any blessed thing in the world for you
+<span class="sc">Flossie</span>,&mdash;what is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Flossie.</i> Only to wear an elastic round your ears at night, <span class="sc">Jack</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Unsophisticated Father</i> (<i>at the conclusion of the exhibition,
+as the Missing Lady disappears with a bang, in full view of the
+Audience</i>). There, <span class="sc">Vivvie</span>; she's vanished clean away. What do
+you say to that, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vivien</i> (<i>composedly</i>). Well, I think we may as well vanish too
+Father. It's all over!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. L.</i> (<i>going out</i>). I don't wish to judge <i>others</i>&mdash;far
+from it&mdash;but,
+speaking for myself, <span class="sc">Eliza</span>, I <i>cannot</i> feel this has been a
+profitable
+method of employing precious moments which can never be
+recalled.</p>
+
+<p><i>Her Friend.</i> Oh, it's quite early. You'll have plenty of time to
+get a cup of tea, and do some shopping before it's dark.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. L.</i> (<i>severely</i>). That was not precisely what I <i>meant</i>,
+<span class="sc">Eliza</span>!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>But it is precisely what she does.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ADVERTISEMENT'S ADVERSARIES.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">["A Society has been formed to deliver us from hideous advertisements."</p>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>The Saturday Review.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O newly-formed Society, we note with admiration</p>
+<p class="i2">The truly novel purpose which you seem to have at heart,</p>
+<p>And with no little eagerness await its consummation,</p>
+<p class="i2">When popular advertisements will shine as works of art.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then picturesque localities no longer will be crowded</p>
+<p class="i2">With puffs of panaceas for our universal ills,</p>
+<p>No longer will the atmosphere be permanently clouded</p>
+<p class="i2">By sky-signs built to promulgate a patent soap or pills.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No more in train or omnibus will every inch of boarding</p>
+<p class="i2">Be covered with advertisements of variegated hue;</p>
+<p>No more in every thoroughfare will each obtrusive hoarding</p>
+<p class="i2">Blaze, hideously chromatic, with its yellow, red, and blue.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>One thing, perhaps, you'll tell us,&mdash;you will pardon the suggestion&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">We doubt not your ability your purposes to win,</p>
+<p>But yet our curiosity would fain propound the question,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">How, excellent Society, and when, will you begin?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">The Flowers that Bloom in the Spring</span>" may now be seen
+in all their glory at the Crystal Palace Show. The excellent arrangements
+there made for their exhibition prove that they have been
+designed and carried out by a clever "Head"-Gardener.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<p>Seeing that <i>A Wild Wooing</i> (published by <span class="sc">F. V. White &amp; Co.</span>)
+is by <span class="sc">Florence Warden</span>, authoress of <i>The House on the Marsh</i>,
+the Baron anticipated a real treat. But he was somewhat disappointed.
+The novel is in one volume, which is an attraction, and
+that volume is of a portable size, which is another note in its
+favour; also it is not illustrated, which is an undisguised blessing.
+The story is interesting up to a certain point, which, however,
+does not take you very far into the book, and, after this point, the
+murmurings behind walls, the moving and dragging of heavy
+bodies under the floors, the insecure rope-ladders, the trap-doors,
+cellars, underground passages, smugglers, murderers, victims, and
+all sorts of mixed mysteries, become tiresome.
+There is yet another fault, which is, that the story is not
+told in so convincing a style as to make the
+reader feel quite sure that the authoress is not "getting at him"
+all the time, and just trying to see what quantity of old melodramatic
+stuff he will patiently stand.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 25%;"><a href="images/161.png"><img width="100%" src="images/161.png" alt="At Easter Time the Baron de B.-W. visits his friend The Peer of Brighton" /></a>
+<h4>At Easter Time the Baron de B.-W. visits his friend<br />
+<i>The</i> Peer of Brighton.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Henceforth <span class="sc">Florence Warden</span> will do well to get away from
+the rusty bars, bolts, chains, trap-doors, and cellars, from ruined
+castles, as grim as that of <i>Udolpho</i>, "of which," as Sir <span class="sc">Walter</span>
+said
+in his preface to <i>Waverley</i>, "the Eastern wing had long been uninhabited,
+and the keys either lost, or consigned to the care of some
+aged butler or housekeeper, whose trembling steps, &amp;c., &amp;c."
+Accidentally, turning from "White" to "Black," the Baron took up
+the first volume of the excellent re-issue of the <i>Waverley Novels</i>, by
+Messrs. <span class="sc">Adam and Charles Black</span>, called <i>The Dryburgh Edition</i>,
+and commenced reading the introductory chapter of <i>Waverley</i>, which
+at that time, gave the death-thrust to the melodramatic horrors of
+romantic tales, whether evolved from the inner consciousness of English
+writers, or openly acknowledged as "taken from the German."</p>
+
+<p>In view of the sensational romance of the present day, towards
+which, when really good, the Baron owns to having a decided leaning&mdash;it
+is interesting to note how brave Sir <span class="sc">Walter</span> defied the existing
+fashion in novels of his own time, spurned the sentimental
+"Mordaunts," the "Belvilles," and such like played-out names of
+ancient chivalry, laughed at the heroine "with a profusion of
+auburn hair and a harp," and, like the Magician of the North that
+he was, boldly gave to the world his historic novels, in which, where
+History doesn't suit the requirements of fiction, it is so much the
+worse for History. Are there very many of the present generation
+who have not read Sir <span class="sc">Walter Scott's</span> novels? If there be
+any&mdash;and there must be, or where would be the demand to occasion
+this new and admirably devised supply&mdash;let them at once put
+aside modern sensationalism, and commence <span class="sc">Walter Scott</span> as a
+study. The Baron knows personally one man of mature years,
+who has read neither <i>Waverley</i> nor several others of the series,
+and him he envies, for, as the student in question has already set
+himself to the task, he has the greatest literary pleasure of his life
+yet to come. Type, size of book, excellent as a library edition;
+and the illustrations, so far as they have gone, are good, and not
+too distracting. And so, after this unequivocal expression of his
+sentiments, he signs himself, <span class="sc">The Bold Baron de B.-W.</span></p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page162" id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span>
+<br clear="all" />
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%" src="images/162.png" alt="A LESSON IN ALTRUISM." /></a>
+<h4>A LESSON IN ALTRUISM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Always be kind to Dumb Animals&mdash;their Lives are short, and should be made
+Happy and as Comfortable as possible&mdash;even
+at the cost of a little Temporary Discomfort to yourself.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>BACK TO SCHOOL;</h3>
+<h4><span class="sc">Or, Doctor Blimber-Gladstone and his "Lit-tle Friends."</span></h4>
+
+<h4>(<i>Dombeyish Fragments, with a smack of "The Mikado."</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>Whenever a young gentleman was taken in hand by Dr. <span class="sc">Blimber-Gladstone</span>,
+he might consider himself sure of a pretty tight squeeze.
+The Doctor only undertook the charge of a limited number of young
+gentlemen at a time, but he had always ready a supply of "cram"
+for a hundred, on the lowest estimate; and it was at once the
+business and delight of his life to gorge "his young friends," few or
+many, to their utmost capacity, and sometimes beyond it.</p>
+
+<p>In fact, Dr. <span class="sc">Gladstone's</span> establishment was a great Hothouse, in
+which there was a forcing apparatus incessantly at work. All the
+boys blew before their time&mdash;or so said the Doctor's rivals and foes.
+Mental Green Peas were produced in February, and intellectual
+Scarlet-Runners in March. Mathematical Great Gooseberries were
+common at untimely seasons, other than the appropriate Silly one.</p>
+
+<p>This was all very pleasant and ingenious, but the system of forcing
+was attended with its usual disadvantage. There was sometimes
+not the right taste about the premature productions, and they didn't
+always keep well.</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor's was a mighty fine House, fronting the river. Not
+always a joyful style of House within; sometimes quite the contrary.
+The seats were in rows, like figures in a sum. The sitters also were
+often in rows&mdash;with a slight (phonetic) difference. The House was
+well provided with Hot Water, on the "constant-supply" system.
+But somehow this seemed rather to conduce to discomfort than to
+real cleanliness,&mdash;like the too frequent and tumultuous "turning-outs"
+of an over-zealous housewife. A "Spring Clean," at St.
+Stephen's School, was a thing to remember, and shudder at. It was
+not a quiet House at the best of times. It seemed ever haunted by
+the Banshee of Noise, and disturbed by the cacophonous ghosts of
+dead Echoes. At the peacefulest periods it was pervaded by a
+baneful Spook called the "Party Spirit," and always by the dull
+booings of unwilling young gentlemen at their lessons, like the
+raucous murmurings of an assemblage of melancholy rooks, or of
+kites and crows cawing and screaming in the intervals of their
+clamorous scufflings.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Holidays? Oh dear yes! If there was one thing Doctor <span class="sc">Gladstone's</span>
+"young friends" <i>did</i> care for, it was Holidays! The
+Doctor himself seemed as though he could&mdash;and were it possible&mdash;would
+do without them. But the Doctor's "lit-tle friends," however
+docile, could never be brought to see <i>that</i>. They did not
+usually commence their Spring "term" until February. And they
+were rips, even rampant, for a long "Recess" at Easter. When
+the Doctor, using his well-beloved formula, said, "Gentlemen, we
+will resume our studies upon&mdash;&mdash;" they hung upon his words, and,
+if the conclusion of his formula showed any disposition to cut the
+Holidays short, they howled loudly in chorus, like hungry wolves
+disappointed of their quarry.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It was a sight to see Doctor <span class="sc">Gladstone's</span> little friends returning to
+School <i>after</i> the Easter Vacation. The Doctor, looking complacently
+expansive, cheerily anticipative, welcomed them on the doorstep.
+<i>They</i> did not welcome <i>him</i>. Oh, dear no! Look at them; the five
+senior pupils in front, headed, of course, by that overgrown and somewhat
+ungainly Irish boy, Master <span class="sc">Patrick Green</span>, cock of the School,
+and prime favourite of Doctor <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>! Can you not fancy them
+singing&mdash;after a famous original&mdash;the following quintett?</p>
+
+<table summary="poem" border="0" style="margin-bottom: 1em;">
+<tr>
+       <td><i>The Five.</i></td>
+       <td>Five little boys for school are we,</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>Back from a very short ho-li-dee;</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>All as reluctant as well can be,&mdash;</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td style="padding-left: 2em;">Five little boys for School!</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><i>Master Green.</i></td>
+       <td> Holiday's over, there's no more fun!</td><td style="text-align: right;">[<i>Groans.</i></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><i>Master Hodge.</i></td>
+       <td>Only just started! Wish I was done! </td><td style="text-align: right;">[<i>Snivels.</i></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><i>Master Bung.</i></td>
+       <td> As for <i>me</i>, wish I'd never <i>begun</i>!</td><td style="text-align: right;">[<i>Howls.</i></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><i>The Five.</i></td>
+       <td style="padding-left: 2em;">Five little boys for School!</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><i>All</i> (<i>shrinking</i>).</td>
+       <td> Five little boys who, all unwary,</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>Entered old <span class="sc">Gladstone's</span> big seminary,</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>Slaves to his Genius tutelary&mdash;&mdash;</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td colspan="2"><i>The Five</i> (<i>suddenly demure, on catching sight of the Doctor</i>)&mdash;</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td style="padding-left: 2em;">Five little boys "back to School!.!"</td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page163" id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%" src="images/163.png" alt="BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DR. GLADSTONE AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS." /></a>
+<h4>BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DR. GLADSTONE AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS.</h4></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page164" id="page164"></a>[pg 164]</span>
+<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page165" id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>SONGS OF SOCIETY. II.&mdash;A LETTER OF ADVICE.</h3>
+
+<p><i>From Miss Belinda Bullion at Monte Carlo, to Miss Angelina Veaudor, in
+Mayfair.</i> (<i>Being a Pendant to a celebrated Poem by Praed.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%"><a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%" src="images/165.png" alt="From Miss Belinda Bullion at Monte Carlo, to Miss Angelina Veaudor, in Mayfair." /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>They tell me you've "landed" a lover</p>
+<p class="i2">(Don't pout at the slang, dear, 'tis <i>chic</i>),</p>
+<p>Before your first Season is over,</p>
+<p class="i2">Before I have left you a week.</p>
+<p>I learned the good news through my mother.</p>
+<p class="i2">Who <i>is</i> he? I wish I could guess.</p>
+<p>If it's dear Lord <span class="sc">Fitz-Frumpington's</span> brother,</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "Yes."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Tres ch&egrave;re</i>, we know Fortune and Fashion</p>
+<p class="i2">Are sensible girlhood's sole guides,</p>
+<p>Smart maidenhood ridicules passion,</p>
+<p class="i2">And sentiment calmly derides.</p>
+<p>I gave you "Bel Ami" as token</p>
+<p class="i2">That we were not victims of "glow;"</p>
+<p>You gave me your vow&mdash;is it broken?</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We vowed, dear, no matter at what age,</p>
+<p class="i2">By Sentiment not to be hooked,</p>
+<p>Or cheated by Love in a Cottage,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or Shepherds enchantingly crook'd.</p>
+<p>Too well, dear, <i>we</i> know modern men's tone,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of "briar" the pipes which <i>they</i> blow.</p>
+<p>Say, have you gone soft <i>&agrave; la</i> <span class="sc">Shenstone</span>?</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Remember the cynic romances</p>
+<p class="i2">We read in that Devonshire glen!</p>
+<p>We are not the slaves of girl-fancies,</p>
+<p class="i2">We've learned far too much about Men!</p>
+<p>'Tis nice, with your head on his shoulder,</p>
+<p class="i2">To whirl through the waltz with <span class="sc">Frank Lowe</span>,</p>
+<p>But should poor Adonis grow bolder,</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>You know without wealth and a carriage</p>
+<p class="i2">Life's just a prolonged fit of spleen,</p>
+<p>So don't let me mourn o'er your marriage</p>
+<p class="i2">With any poor <span class="sc">Brown, Jones</span>, or <span class="sc">Green</span>.</p>
+<p>You swore mere romance should not thrill you,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor gold-less good looks make you glow;</p>
+<p>And you will not go back on it&mdash;will you?</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We're parted, but sympathy's fetter</p>
+<p class="i2">Unites us, I'm sure of it, still.</p>
+<p>I read your last laughable letter,</p>
+<p class="i2">And see you are steering with skill.</p>
+<p>True Love is all fiddlededee, love,</p>
+<p class="i2">Full coffers count only, below.</p>
+<p>If he's not what your husband should be, Love,</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If he's over polite in his wooing,</p>
+<p class="i2">If his heart is too plainly a-throb,</p>
+<p>If he scarce seems aware what he's doing,</p>
+<p class="i2">If he speaks with a blush or a sob;</p>
+<p>If he is not "dead nuts" on his dinner,</p>
+<p class="i2">If his voice or his spirits run low;</p>
+<p>If he seems getting paler or thinner,</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If he gives too much time to his Tennis,</p>
+<p class="i2">Neglectful of dear L. S. D.,</p>
+<p>If he chatters of <span class="sc">Whistler</span> and Venice,</p>
+<p class="i2">If he cares about Five o'clock Tea;</p>
+<p>If he's not sometimes rude or capricious</p>
+<p class="i2">(All swells who have money are so),</p>
+<p>Such signs are extremely suspicious;</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If he shows a contempt for "the City,"</p>
+<p class="i2">And drops little jeers about Jews,</p>
+<p>If he talks of "the People" with pity,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or rails at the Sweaters as "screws,"</p>
+<p>These things prove a "popular leaning,"</p>
+<p class="i2">And popular leanings are low;</p>
+<p>Soft heart, and slack purse, are <i>their</i> meaning&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If he prates about Property's duties</p>
+<p class="i2">In diction at all Gladstonese,</p>
+<p>If he's down on Society Beauties,</p>
+<p class="i2">If he has not a stare that can freeze;</p>
+<p>If he does not abuse Foreign Powers,</p>
+<p class="i2">And vote all philosophy slow,</p>
+<p>If he's one of the time's "big Bow-wowers,"</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He must walk like a Cit in his glory,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of Money the true modern test,</p>
+<p>He must be&mdash;yes, of course, dear&mdash;a Tory,</p>
+<p class="i2">(As <i>partis</i> that party are best)</p>
+<p>If he knows not the old Carlton's portal,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then&mdash;unless you've a Duke for a beau&mdash;</p>
+<p>I beg you&mdash;for girls are but mortal&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "No!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Don't bother about his extraction</p>
+<p class="i2">Although there's a charm in good birth,</p>
+<p>But Wealth yields life's sole satisfaction,</p>
+<p class="i2">So find out, dear girl, <i>what he's worth</i>!</p>
+<p>He may be but an oil-striking Yankee,</p>
+<p class="i2">Eccentric in manners and dress,</p>
+<p>But, if he has tin worth a "thankee,"</p>
+<p class="i2">My own <span class="sc">Angelina</span>, say "Yes!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MISTER JACKY'S VADE MECUM FOR THE EASTER HOLIDAYS.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Question.</i> What is the chief object you wish to attain during the
+Vacation?</p>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> To have the best time possible under the most favourable
+conditions.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is the comfort of your relations and friends to be taken into
+serious account in attaining this desirable end?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Certainly not; the details to which you refer are unworthy of
+a moment's consideration.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Have you any objection to upsetting all the household arrangements
+on your arrival?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Unquestionably no. If a morning performance commences at
+an hour early enough to require luncheon to be discussed at 12:30,
+why the <i>d&eacute;jeuner &agrave; la fourchette</i> (as the French would say) must be
+partaken within half-an-hour of noon. In like manner, if an evening
+representation begins at seven, the dinner-hour must be put back to
+half-past five.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> If these alterations cause any disturbance of your father's
+habits, how would you deal with the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> I would not deal with the matter at all. I would leave all
+purely necessary explanations to my mother.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> During the time of your vacation will you approve of any
+dinner-parties?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> I have a rooted objection to such entertainments when the
+guests are of my parents' selection. However, I have no objection to
+a few fellows, say, like <span class="sc">Smith</span> Major, or <span class="sc">Brown</span> Minor, dropping
+in to supper on a Sunday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Assuming that the hour you mention is your parents' favourite
+time for peace and quiet, does such an invasion suggest any reflection?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No. If my parents have become slow during my enforced
+absence from home in the search of knowledge, it is time they should
+have the benefit accruing from contact with my revivifying
+characteristics.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Supposing your father expostulates with you, and advances
+the fact that you have received greater advantages than he himself
+enjoyed&mdash;for instance, that you have been to Eton&mdash;what should you
+reply?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Practically nothing. However, in the cause of justice and
+truth, it might be advisable to answer his statement of fact that
+"he had never been to Eton" with the reply, "Anyone could see
+that."</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> If he complains that you do not rise until eleven, smoke
+cigarettes in the dining-room before lunch, smash the grand piano
+in the drawing-room, lame his favourite cob in the Row, and upset
+all his documents in the study, what answer would you make?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> That you were not responsible for the training which he had
+taken under his personal control. He must be satisfied with the
+broad result of your bringing-up.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> If he declares his intention of addressing the Superintendent
+of your scholastic career on the matter, what would you do?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Explain that your present position in the school, to which you
+supposed you would have to reluctantly return, was lacking in the
+element of popularity, and that any further move in the direction
+of increased reduction in that element might possibly lead to your
+expulsion. Deprecate personal objection to expulsion, but suggest
+that such a course might, by preventing your getting employment
+in the Church, Army, or Bar, lead to your being on your parents'
+hands for life.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> When the time has all but arrived for your return to school,
+what should you do?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Promptly catch the whooping-cough, the influenza, or
+measles. You will then afford a sufficient reason for extending
+the length of your vacation indefinitely.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page166" id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/166.png"><img width="100%" src="images/166.png" alt="A TERRIBLE TURK." /></a>
+<h4>A TERRIBLE TURK.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Little Spinks.</i> <span class="sc">"Ah! once I was as Innocent as a Little Child! What I
+am <i>now</i>, your
+Sex has made me!"</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>NOBLE SELF-SACRIFICE.</h3>
+
+<p>"The Duke of <span class="sc">Devonshire</span> has
+arranged to return from Monte Carlo
+on Saturday," so said the <i>Morning Post</i>,
+"in order to address a political meeting
+at Glasgow on April 14th." His Grace
+having torn himself away from delightful
+Monte Carlo, will then attempt to
+turn the tables on the <i>Liberales Gladstonienses</i>.
+But fancy renouncing sunny
+Mount Charles&mdash;"O Charley Mount is
+a pleasant place," as sang <i>Miles na
+Coppaleen</i>, who was, by the way, miles
+away from Monte Carlo&mdash;with its azure
+sky, its deep blue sea, its verdant green-cloth
+table land, its delightful <i>promenades
+&agrave; pied</i>, and its frisky <i>gambols &agrave; la
+roulette</i>, where the sunset and sunrise
+are <i>rouge</i>, and <i>noir</i> is only "on the
+cards." Fancy renouncing these gay
+southern delights to live a laborious
+day in dry, hard, northern Glasgow!
+"O swallow, swallow, flying, flying
+South," how would you like to be
+checked in your holiday-making airy
+career in order to be brought back to
+the cold and cruel North? Such a self-sacrifice
+as this is indeed memorable.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>LOVE BY THE SEA. WIND N.E. BY E.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"We do not speak as we pass by!"</p>
+<p>But tears down trickle from our eye!</p>
+<p>Alas! Our love remains untold&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>For each has got a thundering cold!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>BOOKS THAT OUGHT TO APPEAR.</h3>
+
+<p><i>I Banish the Street Organs!</i> By the
+Author of <i>I Forbid the Banns!</i></p>
+
+<p><i>A Boy's Present.</i> (Birthday Book.)
+By the Author of <i>A Girl's Past</i>.</p>
+
+<p>No. 1 of <i>The Domestic Lyre</i>, as a
+Companion to <i>The Family Storyteller</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Yet they Look so Innocent!</span>&mdash;In the
+Language of Flowers, what species should
+always express untruths?&mdash;Li-lies.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, March 27.</i>&mdash;The Lowther
+Arcade not getting on so well as thought when projected. The
+Master Builder been diligently at work, but result disappointing.
+On Friday he got terribly snubbed by <span class="sc">Speaker</span>. Comes up to-day
+to make personal explanation. That a bait at which House usually
+jumps; always ready to be amused, or interested with scandal about
+Queen <span class="sc">Elizabeth</span> and other persons. These things usually promised
+by personal explanation. To-day no flutter of excitement moved
+crowded House. <span class="sc">Jemmy</span>, approaching table with most judicial air,
+received with mocking laughter, and ironical cheers. Some difficulty
+in quite making out what he was at. Evidently something to do
+with <span class="sc">Squire</span> of <span class="sc">Malwood</span>; but <span class="sc">Squire</span> so inextricably
+mixed up
+with Supplementary Estimates, couldn't make out which was which.
+<span class="sc">James</span> pounded along in most ponderous style; <span class="sc">Squire</span>
+contemptuously
+replied; no one else inclined to join in conversation, and
+the Master Builder gloomily resumed his seat.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," I said, not liking to see an old friend cast down;
+"Rome wasn't built in a day, nor the Cave of Adullam excavated in
+a week. These things grow. You must have patience, and the
+Lowther Arcade will still flourish. Let me see, whom you have got?
+There's <span class="sc">Bartley, Hanbury,</span> and <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span>. <span class="sc">Lowe</span>,
+forming
+his Cave, hadn't so many to start with."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the Master Builder, "that's all very well; but,
+fact is, you can't reckon upon these fellows as being, so to speak,
+colonnades in the Arcade. They are all on their own hook;
+fighting for their own hand; won't take the lead from me; must go
+foraging for themselves. <span class="sc">Hanbury</span> thinks he can boss a show better
+than most men. <span class="sc">Bartley's</span> obstreperous. <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span> would
+be all right if he were left to himself, free from the companionship
+of designing men. He is young, ingenuous, not wholly lost
+to a sense of regard for his pastors and masters, lack of which is
+the curse of modern Youth. I believe <span class="sc">Tommy</span> respects me, and,
+only for the evil communications to which he is subject on the
+back bench, would work loyally with me in establishing the
+Arcade."</p>
+
+<p>There was unwonted moisture in the Master Builder's eye as
+he turned round, and regarded the Member for King's Lynn what
+time he softly whistled to himself the old Jacobite air, "<i>Tommy
+make Room for your Uncle</i>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Vote of Censure moved by Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span>;
+Government majority runs up on division to 47; Ministerialists,
+fresh from meeting at Foreign Office, agree that, on whole, have spent
+a happy day. Debate spasmodically dull. Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> could
+not lift it out of the rut, nor <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> either. Only Mr. G.
+shone with effulgent light through gloom of evening. Principal
+result of man&oelig;uvre, beyond giving fillip to majority, is that a day
+will be filched from meagre holidays, and House must needs sit
+on Thursday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Mr. G. looked in in time to say a few words in reply to
+Prince <span class="sc">Arthur's</span> inquiries as to business arrangements. Later he
+came back, and delivered excellent speech; brief, and direct to
+point. House been talking all morning round Vote on Account.
+<span class="sc">Macfarlane</span> done Rule-of-three sum, to show how twelve hundred
+days are lost every week by necessity imposed upon Members of
+coming down two hours in advance to take their seats. Some disposition
+shown by practical Members to argue question whether there
+could be twelve hundred days in any week, even in Leap-Year.</p>
+
+<p>"I know I'm right," said <span class="sc">Macfarlane</span>, and the sceptics, gazing
+respectfully at his flowing beard, withdrew from controversy.</p>
+
+<p>House divided on Motion by <span class="sc">Legh</span> to reduce Foreign Office Vote.
+Ministerial majority run up at a jump to 225. Time by Westminster
+clock, 6.10 <span class="sc">P.M.</span>; in twenty minutes, sitting will be suspended;
+Vote must be through Committee to-day; <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span>
+(who hasn't made a speech for a quarter of an hour) on his feet;
+sheafs of manuscript in his hand; would certainly oblige to extent
+of twenty minutes; <span class="sc">Baron de Worms</span> also has a few remarks to
+offer; probable length of Channel Tunnel. Mr. G. interposes.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page167" id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/167.png"><img width="100%" src="images/167.png" alt="EASTER AT THE ZOO." /></a>
+<h4>EASTER AT THE ZOO.</h4></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page168" id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span>
+<p>
+"Mr. <span class="sc">Mellor</span>," he said, addressing
+Chairman, "I claim to have the
+question now put."</p>
+
+<p>Ringing cheers went up from Ministerialists.
+<span class="sc">Tommy</span> resumed his seat;
+gruefully glanced at notes. The Noble
+Baron saw in this man&oelig;uvre fresh
+proof that Mr. G. had sold himself to
+Germany; having completed preparation
+for separation of the Empire on
+the side of the Irish Channel, would
+immediately after, by medium of
+<span class="sc">Watkin's</span> Tunnel, place what was left
+of the country at the mercy of a foreign
+foe. Meanwhile Closure moved; what's
+more, carried on division by swingeing
+majority of over a hundred. So Vote
+agreed to; Mr. G. gets off for short
+drive before dressing for dinner.</p>
+
+<p>Earned a night's rest, and a longer
+Easter holiday than he has allotted to
+himself and us. Older he gets, the
+younger he seems. His work to-day
+should make the eight-hours' man
+blush. At bay in Downing Street
+since twelve o'clock with two hostile
+deputations. Came from Ulster and
+the City, resolved to beard Home-Rule
+Lion in his den. Alone he met them;
+one down, the other come on; no interval
+of rest; picked men from Ulster,
+Selected Captains from the City, surged
+around table at which he sat. Hardly
+left him time to reply. Having politely conducted Ulster to door,
+enter the City Fathers, fresh and eager for fray. Told him over again
+in varied phrase how he was bringing country to verge of ruin; listened
+with perfect courtesy, as if they'd been discussing someone else&mdash;say,
+his next-door neighbour, <span class="sc">Squire</span> of <span class="sc">Malwood</span> and Junior Lord
+of Downing Street. Up again when last in list of City speakers had
+concluded. Almost persuaded <span class="sc">John Lubbock</span> to be a Home-Ruler;
+then down to House, dealing with mass of correspondence littering
+his table in room behind <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> chair; alert on sound of
+division-bell; comes in to move Closure; remembers that in long
+list of speeches never made this particular one before; looks up
+<span class="sc">Palgrave's</span> <i>Handbook</i>; cons his lesson and declaims brief formula
+in deep rich voice that lends touch of eloquence to its unadorned,
+remorseless demand. All this, too, following on a day like yesterday,
+when two other deputations stormed Downing Street; drew
+from him weighty reply; followed, after hasty dinner, by a speech
+in the House on the eternal Irish question, which <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>
+rightly termed, "entrancing."</p>
+
+<p>"A Grand Old Man, indeed!" said
+<span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, talking over these
+things to-night, when he should have
+been listening to <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span>, who
+having at the morning sitting had his
+speech on Vote on Account closured,
+delivered another at evening sitting
+on the question of the Depreciation of
+Silver as it affects domestic architecture
+in China and Peru.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:33%;"><a href="images/168a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/168a.png" alt="Portrait of a Member of Parliament examining the Signatures" /></a>
+<p>Portrait of a Member of Parliament examining the Signatures
+to a Petition against the Local-Veto Bill, to see if they are genuine
+or not. (<i>Vide</i> Report of the Proceedings in the Commons, March 28,
+which suggests that they are obtained in Public Houses.)</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Vote on Account
+through Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Caine</span> going about
+House this afternoon, his slim figure
+bulging out at the pockets in mysterious
+fashion, "Brought your supper
+with you?" I asked, lightly touching
+one of the excrescences that felt like
+an imperial pint of ginger-beer (<span class="sc">White</span>
+1880). "You seem bursting with broiled
+bones. All no use. No more all-night
+sittings <i>this</i> side of Easter."</p>
+
+<p>"No, my boy, you're wrong," said
+<span class="sc">Caine</span>. "Fact is, I'm going off to the
+country, and these protuberances you
+observe about my person are phonograms.
+All labelled, you see," he said,
+taking out cylinders from several
+pockets. "Here are a few remarks on
+Registration; that's my Local-Veto
+Speech; and here is an entirely new
+view of the Home-Rule question. If
+you like to come over to my house at
+Clapham&mdash;close by, you know, busses every ten minutes&mdash;you shall
+have a night's thorough enjoyment. Leave you in the room by yourself
+with the phonograph. Pop in one of these cylinders; set the
+phonograph whizzing; and you'll hear me on Local Veto. Take
+out cylinder, put in another, and you'll know more about Home
+Rule in five minutes than you ever dreamt. Can only let you have
+them for to-night. To-morrow they go down to Yorkshire, and thro'
+Easter Recess I shall be delivering, at various places, six speeches
+every night, I myself comfortably making holiday in Wales."
+"Thank you," I said; "but, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go
+home and go to bed." In truth, a little depressed. Here's a nice
+prospect for the holidays! Bad enough to have Members working
+off at public meetings speeches that had been closured in Commons.
+But if every man is, during the recess, to multiply himself by
+phonography, the last state of this country will be worse than the first.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Adjourned for Easter Holidays. Just escaped
+sitting over Good Friday. Back next Thursday.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/168b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/168b.png" alt="THE NEW 'FOURTH PARTY.'" /></a>
+<h4>THE NEW "FOURTH PARTY."</h4>
+
+<p class="center">T. G. B-wl-s. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Right Hon. J-m-s L-wth-r. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;G. C. B-rtl-y. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;R. W. H-nb-ry.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 10em;">
+<tr><td class="note">
+<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4>
+
+<p>Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.</p>
+
+</td></tr></table>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+104, April 8, 1893, by Various
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+April 8, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 8, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2007 [EBook #22671]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 104.
+
+APRIL 8, 1893.
+
+
+Edited by Sir Francis Burnand
+
+
+
+
+SPORTING ANSWERS.
+
+ANGLING.
+
+FLEACATCHER.--Yes, the trout in the river Itching (this is the only
+correct spelling) are red, and, before they are boiled, raw. The best
+method of catching them is to tickle them. When you have hooked an
+Itching trout, you first scratch him, and then cook him.
+
+NOVICE.--We only knew one man who could make a decent rod, and he died
+twenty years ago. Remember the old adage so dear to IZAAK, _Qui parcit
+virgae spoliat puerum_. For instructions as to use of implement, and
+translation of Latin, apply to any head-master. Failure in the latter
+will inevitably lead to application of the former. Then pause for
+reflection, but _don't sit down_.
+
+SPOOK.--What on earth is the use of applying to us about a phantom?
+We never keep one on the premises. Try personal interview with W. T.
+STEAD, who has a fine selection, JULIA being specially effective. Why
+do you ask if we generally spin? Not having been born a top, we prefer
+walking.
+
+CONTEMPLATIVE.--(1) It's absolutely useless offering us these paltry
+inducements to betray the secrets of our skill. We are--we hope we may
+say it without undue pride--an All-Round Angler, and we are not going
+to be squared by a bait of that kind. (2) We have never pretended we
+were a salmon. If ANDREW LANG says we have, we challenge him to repeat
+it to our face before witnesses. (3) Whitebait are no longer kept in
+the Round Pond at Kensington. We knew as many as four there ten years
+ago.
+
+CALIPEE.--You are quite right. When a ship turns turtle the fact is
+instantly communicated to the Lord Mayor and Aldermen of the City of
+London. They proceed to the spot in the _Maria Wood_, and the one
+who secures the interesting saurian is allowed to eat all the green
+fat. With you we hope devoutly that the time is far distant when the
+desecrating hand of a Socialistic Government will be allowed to lay a
+finger on these ancient civic customs. No. The Fishmongers' Company do
+not sell fish. Their motto is, _Edo, non vendo_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACTON EST.--_The Cornhill Magazine_ for this month has an interesting
+article on "Actors and Actresses in Westminster Abbey," not seen there
+much when alive, but there for good after their decease. It is stated
+of Mrs. BARRY that she was not interred in the Abbey, as has been,
+it appears, generally supposed, but found her resting-place at Acton.
+Odd, that when she had ceased to act, she should be sent to Act-on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, AND THE POUNDS," &c.
+
+_Muriel._ "MAMMA, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THE CARRIAGE OUT FOR SO LATE?
+WHERE _ARE_ YOU GOING?"
+
+_Mrs. Goldie._ "NOW, MURIEL, YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER KEEPS WORRYING
+ABOUT EXTRAVAGANCE, AND OF COURSE I MUST SET AN EXAMPLE. SO I'M GOING
+TO THE PUBLIC LIBRARY TO SEE THE EVENING PAPER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CRY OF THE CUE-IST. (_To the Champion, by a Discouraged
+Competitor._)
+
+  Break, break, break,
+    On the smooth green board, O JOHN!
+  And I would civil words could utter
+    My thoughts, as the game goes on!
+
+  O well for the three-figure runs
+    You have made since we opened play!
+  O ill for my nine thousand start,
+    Which you're lessening day by day!
+
+  And the marvellous shots go on
+    To your score, which is mounting still!
+  But O for a touch of that wondrous hand,
+    And a slice of that startling skill!
+
+  Break, break, break!
+    _There's_ a shot! Great Scott! O, see!
+  What tender grace! And if once ahead
+    You will never "come back" to me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "EPSOM SPRING MEETING."--In former times this used to be a
+    fashionable rendezvous for invalids who went there to drink
+    the beneficial waters of the Epsom Spring. Now there is not
+    much water taken at these Spring Meetings; and what water is
+    taken is not "an unmixed good."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A LESSON IN "BOOK-KEEPING."--Never lend one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AFTER THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW.
+
+SCENE--_An Office._ BROWN _and_ JONES _discovered talking over the
+incidents of the recent holiday._
+
+_Brown._ Yes; I was up at six on the Monday.
+
+_Jones._ Well, you were in luck; for I had to be ready by four. The
+battalion had to be drawn up at the station by 4.45.
+
+_Brown._ To be sure. You went down before we did.
+
+_Jones._ Yes. I wish we had got some coffee before starting.
+
+_Brown._ But you had your breakfast on your arrival, didn't you?
+
+_Jones._ Yes, to be sure; but as we were a bit late, it was rather a
+scramble.
+
+_Brown._ Well, of course one has to get on to parade as soon as
+possible. We cut it rather fine too. But that's the case with all of
+us.
+
+_Jones._ To be sure; and if you lose time at one end, you must make up
+for it at the other--that stands to reason. And how did you get on?
+
+_Brown._ First rate. We were on the march from nine to five.
+
+_Jones._ So were we; and didn't have time scarcely to get to our
+havresacks.
+
+_Brown._ Just our fortune. Always on the move. I wore out my leathers
+in fine style.
+
+_Jones._ So did I. And then we had to go back to the train before we
+could get any dinner.
+
+_Brown._ My fate too. And, when I got home, the slavey had forgotten
+to lay supper!
+
+_Jones._ So had mine. But still it was a glorious holiday--now, wasn't
+it?
+
+_Brown._ I should say it was! A glorious holiday!
+
+[_They return to their ledgers._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+ABSCONDRELISM.--I belong to a Building Society. At present the concern
+is exceptionally prosperous, and I have no reason to suppose that the
+Directors and Manager are not scrupulously honest. Still, it is as
+well to be prepared for all eventualities, and, as a couple of years
+seems to be about the time required by the authorities before they can
+make up their minds to prosecute anybody, I should like to know if
+I could apply for a warrant against the officials of my Society _at
+once_, so as to have everything ready in case any of them should
+develop fraudulent tendencies a few years hence? Would there be any
+objection to this? Perhaps some legal reader would reply. Also, is it
+a fact that Messrs. BALBERT AND HURLFOUR have started a model Colony,
+on entirely new and philanthropic lines, in Mexico, and are inviting
+English settlers (unconnected with the "Liberator" Society) to join
+them there, the prospectus of the scheme being headed:--"By kind
+permission of the Public Prosecutor"?--PROPHYLACTIC.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HER "DAY OF REST."
+
+(_The Song of the Shop-Girl._)
+
+[Illustration: ["As one poor shop-girl said:--'After the fatigue and
+worry of the week, I am so thoroughly worn out, that my only thought
+is to rest on a Sunday; but it goes too quickly, and the other days
+drag on so slowly!'"--_Quoted by Sir John Lubbock in the recent Debate
+on Early Closing for Shops._]]
+
+      Eight o'clock strikes!
+      The short day's sped,--
+  My Day of Rest! That beating in my head
+  Hammers on still, like coffin-taps. He likes,
+  Our lynx-eyed chief, to see us brisk and trim
+  On Monday mornings; and though brains may swim,
+  And breasts sink sickeningly with nameless pain,
+  _He_ cannot feel the faintness and the strain,
+  And what are they to him?
+
+      This morning's sun peeped in
+      Invitingly, as though to win
+  My footsteps fieldwards, just one day in seven!
+  The thought of hedgerows was like opening heaven,
+      And the stray sunray's gleam,
+    Threading the dingy blind,
+      Seemed part of a sweet dream,
+  For in our sleep the Fates _are_ sometimes kind.
+  "Come out!" it said, "but not with weary tread,
+      And feet of lead,
+  The long, mud-cumbered, cold, accustomed way,
+  For the great Shop is shuttered close to-day,
+    And you awhile are free!"
+  _Free?_ With a chain of iron upon my heart,
+  That drags me down, and makes the salt tears start!
+
+  Oh, that inexorable weariness
+  That through the enfeebled flesh lays crushing stress
+    On the young spirit! Young? There is no youth
+    For such as I. It dies, in very truth,
+  At the first touch of the taskmaster's hand.
+  A doctrine hard for you to understand,
+    Gay sisters of the primrose path,
+  Whose only chain is as a flowery band.
+    The toil that outstays nature hath
+  A palsying power, a chilling force
+  Which freezes youth at its fresh source.
+      Only the Comus wand
+  Of an unhallowed Pleasure offers such
+  Freedom, and with pollution in its touch.
+
+      The languid lift
+  Of head from pillow tells us the good gift
+  Of Sabbath rest is more than half in vain.
+    Tired! Tired! In flesh, bone, brain,
+    Heart, fancy, pulse, and nerve!
+  Such is our doom who stand and serve
+  The unrewarding public, thoughtless they
+    Of slaves whose souls they slay!
+
+  Oh, that long standing--standing--standing yet!
+  With the flesh sick, the inmost soul a-fret,
+    Pale, pulseless patiences, our very sex,
+  That should be a protection, one more load
+    To lade, and chafe, and vex.
+  No tired ox urged to tramping by the goad
+    Feels a more mutely-maddening weariness
+  Than we white, black-garbed spectral girls who stand
+  Stonily smiling on while ladies grand,
+    Easily seated, idly turn and toss
+    The samples; and our Watcher, 'neath the gloss
+  Of courtly smugness glaring menace, stalks
+  About us, creaking cruelty as he walks.
+
+      Stand! Stand! Still stand!
+      Clenched teeth and clutching hand,
+  Swift blanching cheek, and twitching muscle, tell
+  To those who know, what _we_ know all too well,
+      Ignored by Fashion, coldly mocked by Trade.
+      Are we not for the sacrifice arrayed
+  In dainty vesture? Pretty, too, they say
+  Male babblers, whom our sufferings and poor pay
+      Might shock, could they but guess
+      Trim figure and smart dress
+  Cover and hide, from all but doctor-ken,
+  Disease and threatening death. Oh! men, men, men!
+    You bow, smile, flatter--aught but _understand_!
+      Long hours lay lethal hand
+  Upon our very vitals. Seats might save
+      From an untimely grave,
+  Hundreds of harried, inly anguished girls;
+  _You_ see--their snow-girt throats and neatly-ordered curls!
+
+      Out to the green fields? Nay,
+      This all too fleeting day
+  To rest is dedicate. But not the rest
+  Of brightened spirit, and of lightened breast.
+  The dull, dead, half-inanimate leaden crouch
+  Of sheer exhaustion on this shabby couch
+      Is all my week's repose.
+      Read? But the tired eyes close,
+    The book from nerveless fingers drops;
+      Almost the slow heart stops.
+  But the clock halts not on its restless round.
+  Weariness shudders at the whirring sound,
+      As the sharp strike declares
+      Swift to its closing wears
+  One more of those brief interludes from toil
+  Which leave us still the labour-despot's spoil,
+    Slaves of long hours and unrelaxing strain,
+    Unstrengthened and unsolaced, soon again
+    To tread the round, and lift the lengthening chain;
+  _Stand_--till hysteria lays its hideous clutch
+  On our girl-hearts, or epilepsy's touch
+    Thrills through tired nerves and palsied brain.
+      Again--again--again!
+  _How long?_ Till Death, upon its kindly quest,
+    Gives a true Day of Rest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EASTER MANOEUVRES.
+
+[Illustration: BACCHUS ON A BICYCLE!
+
+(A "SAFETY" TOO!!)
+
+_This incident repeated itself to infinity from the East End to
+Hammersmith and back!!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL REWARDS TO GOOD PLAYERS.--"As a sequel to the performance of
+_Becket_ at Windsor, Mr. IRVING"--as we were informed by the _Daily
+News_--"was presented by the QUEEN with a stud." What will he do with
+the stud? Will he take to the turf, go racing, and keep the stud at
+some Newmarket training-stables? Perhaps "the stud" consisted of fifty
+"ponies"--but this is a purse-an'-all matter, into which we are not
+at liberty to inquire. Miss ELLEN TERRY received a brooch from HER
+MAJESTY, on which are the letters "V.R.I." Our 'ARRY says these
+initials signify "_Ve Are 'I_ghly pleased." Or, taking the two
+presents together, as speaking, V.R.I, might mean, says 'ARRY, "_Ve
+R-Ived safely._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LION AND LAMB.
+
+    ["I think that when we consider an Opposition, in which Lord
+    SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN pacifically sit down--or lie
+    down, together, we need not, ourselves, feel very sensitive
+    on the subject of homogeneity."--_Mr. Gladstone at the F. O.
+    Liberal Meeting._]
+
+  Solly had a little Lamb,
+    From Brummagem you know!
+  And wheresoever SOLLY went
+    That Lamb was bound to go.
+  The Lion and the Lamb in fact!
+    And what could be more jolly?
+  Yet some _do_ whisper that--sometimes--
+    The Lamb seems leading SOLLY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHAT HO, APOTHECARY!"--Last week the Earl of BESSBOROUGH was
+announced as having arrived at Bessborough, Pilltown, Ireland. What
+an appropriate spot for erecting an Irish Apothecaries' Hall! What is
+Lord BESSBOROUGH'S family name? Is it The O'COCKLE?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AUTHOR.
+
+  It lay on the book-stall for sale,
+    But no one to purchase seemed willing,
+  The ticket was "Humorous Tale,
+    Two-and-sixpence--reduced to a shilling."
+
+  But the humour was lost upon me.
+    And the jest fell uncommonly flat.
+  Could the jokes I had written then be
+    So fallen in value as that?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRST DUTY OF AN OPPOSITION (_As it now seems to
+be understood_).--"To lie in cool Obstruction, and talk
+rot."--(_Shakspeare_--slightly _adapted_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TRANSLATION BY OUR YOUNGEST SPORTING ETONIAN.--"_In forma
+pauperis_"--_i.e._, "in rather poor form."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT AN AFTERNOON ENTERTAINMENT.
+
+SCENE--_Prince's Hall, Piccadilly. Among the Audience are_--A London
+Aunt, _and her_ Eldest Daughter, _with a_ Cousin from the Country,
+_who is just a little difficult to amuse; a_ Serious-minded Lady _from
+Brixton, with a more frivolous_ Friend; _a pair of_ Fiances; _and
+an_ Unsophisticated Father, _with an_ Up-to-date little Daughter.
+_An exhibition of "Pure Sleight-of-Hand" has just been given on the
+Stage._
+
+_The Serious Lady._ Clever? Yes, my dear, it is _clever_ enough,
+if that's all; but I never can quite reconcile _my_ conscience
+to encouraging a fellow-creature to make a living by deliberate
+deception!
+
+_Her Friend._ Oh, I don't see any harm in conjuring, myself.
+
+_The S. L._ I can't forget that Pharaoh had his Sorcerers and
+Magicians, and how _they_ acted!
+
+_Her Friend._ Ah, I never saw _them_.
+
+_The London Aunt_ (_to her_ Niece). Enjoying it, SOPHY? Such a _treat_
+for you, to see really good conjuring!
+
+_Sophy._ Yes, Aunt, thank you. But our new Curate did that trick with
+_two_ rabbits at the last Penny Readings we had!
+
+[_A calico screen is brought forward on which the Entertainer throws
+various shadows with his hands._
+
+_The S. L._ Is that a little house at the corner? Oh, he doesn't do
+_that_ with his hands--then I see no merit in it. Who's that? (_A
+small male shadow, cast by the performer's right hand, crosses the
+screen, and knocks timidly at the door, which is opened by the
+left hand, in the character of a little Lady. The couple embrace
+effusively, and retire inside._) Ah, that's the husband coming home!
+
+[_Another male shadow enters and knocks furiously, while the little
+Lady reconnoitres cautiously from the window above._
+
+_Her Friend._ I expect _that_ must be the husband.
+
+_The S. L._ What?--and the wife behaving like that in his absence! If
+I thought _that_ was the---- (_The first male shadow comes out, and
+fights the second, who retreats, worsted._) I never saw anything so
+scandalous. How you can call yourself consistent, and sit there and
+_laugh_ at such things----!
+
+_Her Friend_ (_apologetically_). I can't help laughing--and, after
+all, perhaps they're only rival lovers, or he's her _father_, or
+something.
+
+_The S. L._ And she inviting one to come into the house in that bold
+way--a nice example for young persons! Look there, he's come back with
+a flageolet, and she's actually poured a jug of water on his head
+out of the window! "Only a pair of hands," did you say? So it _may_
+be--but we all know _who_ it is that "Finds some mischief still For
+idle hands to do"--and there we have an illustration of it, my dear.
+
+[_She shakes herself down in her sealskins with virtuous disapproval._
+
+_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_who has been roaring with laughter_).
+Capital! It is amazingly clever, 'pon my word! Can't imagine how they
+do these things--can _you_, VIVVIE? [_To Up-to-Date Child._
+
+_Miss Vivien._ Oh, well I've seen so much conjuring at parties, you
+know, Father, that I don't notice it particularly,--but it's nice to
+see _you_ so amused!
+
+_The U. F._ I'm _young_, you see, VIVVIE; but I hope you're not bored?
+
+MISS V. No, I'm not _bored_--only I thought there'd be some Serpentine
+dancing, and more of the _Music Hall_ about it.
+
+_The U. F._ Music Hall! Why, what do _you_ know about Music Halls, eh?
+
+_Miss V._ (_with calm superiority_). Several of their songs--if you
+call _that_ anything.
+
+_The U. F._ I should be inclined to call it a good deal too much!
+
+_Miss V._ (_compassionately_). Would you? Poor dear Father! But you
+never _were_ very modern, were you?
+
+[_A Blind-folded Lady on the Stage has been reading and adding up
+figures on a black board, and now offers to tell the day of the week
+of any person's birth in the audience._
+
+_Her Colleague._ Will some gentleman kindly oblige me with the date of
+his birth?
+
+_The Fiancee._ Now, JACK, tell yours. I _want_ you to.
+
+_Jack_ (_in an unnaturally gruff voice_). Fourteenth of February,
+eighteen-sixty-nine!
+
+_The Blindfolded Lady_ (_with the air of the Delphic Pythia_).
+Yes--_that_ fell upon a Monday.      [_Applause._
+
+_Her Coll._ Is that correct, Sir?
+
+_Jack._ Don't know.
+
+[_He reddens, and tries to look unconscious._
+
+_Her Coll._ Now I will ask the Lady if she can mention some event of
+importance that took place on the same date.
+
+_The Bl. L._ Let me think. Yes. (_Solemnly._) On the same
+date, in the year seventeen-hundred-and-thirty-seven, goloshes were
+first invented!     [_Loud applause._
+
+_Miss V._ (_as the pair retire_). Well, thank goodness, we've seen the
+last of that beastly black-board. I didn't come here to add up sums.
+What is it next? Oh, a "Farmyard Imitator." I expect that will be
+rather rot, Father, don't you?
+
+[_Enter a Gentleman in evening dress who gives realistic imitations of
+various live-stock._
+
+_The Country Cousin._ That's _exactly_ the way our little Berkshire
+pig grunts, and "Sweetlips" calls her calf just like that--and, oh,
+KATIE, I _wonder_ if he could have heard our Dorkings clucking at
+home--I think he _must_ have--he does it so exactly the same!
+
+_Katie._ Then you do think _that's_ clever, SOPHY?
+
+_Sophy._ Oh, well--for an _imitation_, you know!
+
+[_A "Sensational Cage Mystery" is introduced; a pretty child is shut
+up in a cage, which is opened a moment after, and found to contain a
+Negro who capers out, grinning._
+
+_The London Aunt._ SOPHY, do you see that?--there's a black man there
+now, instead!
+
+_Sophy_ (_without enthusiasm_). Yes, Aunt, I see, thank you.
+
+_Katie._ Don't you _like_ it, SOPHY?
+
+_Sophy._ I don't see why it need have been a _Nigger_!
+
+_The S. L._ (_after a "Humorous Musical Sketch" by a clever and,
+charming young Lady_). Like _that_, my dear?--a Young Woman giving a
+description of how she actually went on the Stage, and imitating men
+in that way! It was as much as _I_ could do to sit still in my seat!
+
+_Her Friend._ I must say I thought it was very amusing.
+
+_The S. L._ Amusing? I daresay. But, to my mind, young girls have no
+_business_ to be amusing, and take off other people. I've no opinion
+of such ways myself. I don't know what my dear Mother would have done
+if _I'd_ ever been amusing--she would have broken her heart, I do
+believe!
+
+_The Friend_ (_to herself_). She wouldn't have split her sides, that's
+very certain!
+
+[_A_ Lady Physiognomist _appears in cap and gown, and invites
+a subject to step upon the stage, and have his or her character
+revealed._
+
+_Jack_ (_to his Fiancee_). No, I say--but look here, FLOSSIE, _really_
+I'd rather not--with all these people looking!
+
+_Flossie._ Then I shall think you've something to _conceal_, JACK--you
+wouldn't like me to feel that _already_, would you?
+
+[Illustration: "He blinks and smiles in feeble confusion."]
+
+[JACK, _resignedly, mounts the platform, and occupies a chair, in
+which he blinks and smiles in feeble confusion, while the_ Professor
+_studies his features dispassionately._
+
+_The Lady Phys._ The first thing to notice is the disposition of
+the ears. Now here we have a Gentleman whose ears stick out in a very
+remarkable manner.      [_Delight of Audience._
+
+_Flossie_ (_to herself_). They _do_--awfully! I never noticed it
+before. But it really rather suits him; at least---- [_She meditates._
+
+_The L. Ph._ This denotes an original and inquiring mind; this
+gentleman takes nothing on trust--likes to see everything for himself;
+he observes a good deal more than he ever says anything about. His
+nose is wide at the tip, showing a trustful and confiding disposition;
+it has a bump in the centre, denoting a moderate amount of
+combativeness. The nostrils indicate a keen sense of humour. (_Here_
+JACK _giggles bashfully._) There is a twist in the upper lip,
+which indicates--well, I won't say that he would actually tell an
+_untruth_--but if he had the opportunity for doing so, he has the
+capacity for taking advantage of it. I think that is all I have to say
+about this Gentleman.
+
+_Flossie_ (_to_ JACK, _after he has returned to her side_). JACK, if
+you can't leave off having an original and inquiring mind, you must at
+least promise me _one_ thing--it's very little to ask!
+
+_Jack._ You know I'd do any blessed thing in the world for you
+FLOSSIE,--what is it?
+
+_Flossie._ Only to wear an elastic round your ears at night, JACK!
+
+_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_at the conclusion of the exhibition,
+as the Missing Lady disappears with a bang, in full view of the
+Audience_). There, VIVVIE; she's vanished clean away. What do you say
+to that, eh?
+
+_Vivien_ (_composedly_). Well, I think we may as well vanish too
+Father. It's all over!
+
+_The S. L._ (_going out_). I don't wish to judge _others_--far from
+it--but, speaking for myself, ELIZA, I _cannot_ feel this has been
+a profitable method of employing precious moments which can never be
+recalled.
+
+_Her Friend._ Oh, it's quite early. You'll have plenty of time to get
+a cup of tea, and do some shopping before it's dark.
+
+_The S. L._ (_severely_). That was not precisely what I _meant_,
+ELIZA!
+
+[_But it is precisely what she does._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVERTISEMENT'S ADVERSARIES.
+
+["A Society has been formed to deliver us from hideous
+advertisements."
+
+_The Saturday Review._]
+
+  O newly-formed Society, we note with admiration
+    The truly novel purpose which you seem to have at heart,
+  And with no little eagerness await its consummation,
+    When popular advertisements will shine as works of art.
+
+  Then picturesque localities no longer will be crowded
+    With puffs of panaceas for our universal ills,
+  No longer will the atmosphere be permanently clouded
+    By sky-signs built to promulgate a patent soap or pills.
+
+  No more in train or omnibus will every inch of boarding
+    Be covered with advertisements of variegated hue;
+  No more in every thoroughfare will each obtrusive hoarding
+    Blaze, hideously chromatic, with its yellow, red, and blue.
+
+  One thing, perhaps, you'll tell us,--you will pardon the suggestion--
+    We doubt not your ability your purposes to win,
+  But yet our curiosity would fain propound the question,--
+    How, excellent Society, and when, will you begin?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM IN THE SPRING" may now be seen in all their
+glory at the Crystal Palace Show. The excellent arrangements there
+made for their exhibition prove that they have been designed and
+carried out by a clever "Head"-Gardener.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: At Easter Time the Baron de B.-W. visits his friend
+_The_ Peer of Brighton.]
+
+Seeing that _A Wild Wooing_ (published by F. V. WHITE & CO.) is by
+FLORENCE WARDEN, authoress of _The House on the Marsh_, the Baron
+anticipated a real treat. But he was somewhat disappointed. The novel
+is in one volume, which is an attraction, and that volume is of a
+portable size, which is another note in its favour; also it is
+not illustrated, which is an undisguised blessing. The story is
+interesting up to a certain point, which, however, does not take you
+very far into the book, and, after this point, the murmurings behind
+walls, the moving and dragging of heavy bodies under the floors, the
+insecure rope-ladders, the trap-doors, cellars, underground passages,
+smugglers, murderers, victims, and all sorts of mixed mysteries,
+become tiresome. There is yet another fault, which is, that the story
+is not told in so convincing a style as to make the reader feel quite
+sure that the authoress is not "getting at him" all the time, and
+just trying to see what quantity of old melodramatic stuff he will
+patiently stand.
+
+Henceforth FLORENCE WARDEN will do well to get away from the rusty
+bars, bolts, chains, trap-doors, and cellars, from ruined castles,
+as grim as that of _Udolpho_, "of which," as Sir WALTER said in his
+preface to _Waverley_, "the Eastern wing had long been uninhabited,
+and the keys either lost, or consigned to the care of some aged butler
+or housekeeper, whose trembling steps, &c., &c." Accidentally, turning
+from "White" to "Black," the Baron took up the first volume of the
+excellent re-issue of the _Waverley Novels_, by Messrs. ADAM AND
+CHARLES BLACK, called _The Dryburgh Edition_, and commenced reading
+the introductory chapter of _Waverley_, which at that time, gave the
+death-thrust to the melodramatic horrors of romantic tales, whether
+evolved from the inner consciousness of English writers, or openly
+acknowledged as "taken from the German."
+
+In view of the sensational romance of the present day, towards which,
+when really good, the Baron owns to having a decided leaning--it is
+interesting to note how brave Sir WALTER defied the existing fashion
+in novels of his own time, spurned the sentimental "Mordaunts," the
+"Belvilles," and such like played-out names of ancient chivalry,
+laughed at the heroine "with a profusion of auburn hair and a harp,"
+and, like the Magician of the North that he was, boldly gave to the
+world his historic novels, in which, where History doesn't suit the
+requirements of fiction, it is so much the worse for History. Are
+there very many of the present generation who have not read Sir WALTER
+SCOTT'S novels? If there be any--and there must be, or where would be
+the demand to occasion this new and admirably devised supply--let them
+at once put aside modern sensationalism, and commence WALTER SCOTT as
+a study. The Baron knows personally one man of mature years, who has
+read neither _Waverley_ nor several others of the series, and him he
+envies, for, as the student in question has already set himself to the
+task, he has the greatest literary pleasure of his life yet to
+come. Type, size of book, excellent as a library edition; and the
+illustrations, so far as they have gone, are good, and not too
+distracting. And so, after this unequivocal expression of his
+sentiments, he signs himself,
+
+THE BOLD BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LESSON IN ALTRUISM.
+
+ALWAYS BE KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS--THEIR LIVES ARE SHORT, AND SHOULD
+BE MADE HAPPY AND AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE--EVEN AT THE COST OF A
+LITTLE TEMPORARY DISCOMFORT TO YOURSELF.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DOCTOR BLIMBER-GLADSTONE AND HIS "LIT-TLE
+FRIENDS."
+
+(_Dombeyish Fragments, with a smack of "The Mikado."_)
+
+Whenever a young gentleman was taken in hand by Dr. BLIMBER-GLADSTONE,
+he might consider himself sure of a pretty tight squeeze. The Doctor
+only undertook the charge of a limited number of young gentlemen at a
+time, but he had always ready a supply of "cram" for a hundred, on the
+lowest estimate; and it was at once the business and delight of
+his life to gorge "his young friends," few or many, to their utmost
+capacity, and sometimes beyond it.
+
+In fact, Dr. GLADSTONE'S establishment was a great Hothouse, in which
+there was a forcing apparatus incessantly at work. All the boys blew
+before their time--or so said the Doctor's rivals and foes. Mental
+Green Peas were produced in February, and intellectual Scarlet-Runners
+in March. Mathematical Great Gooseberries were common at untimely
+seasons, other than the appropriate Silly one.
+
+This was all very pleasant and ingenious, but the system of forcing
+was attended with its usual disadvantage. There was sometimes not the
+right taste about the premature productions, and they didn't always
+keep well.
+
+The Doctor's was a mighty fine House, fronting the river. Not always a
+joyful style of House within; sometimes quite the contrary. The seats
+were in rows, like figures in a sum. The sitters also were often in
+rows--with a slight (phonetic) difference. The House was well provided
+with Hot Water, on the "constant-supply" system. But somehow this
+seemed rather to conduce to discomfort than to real cleanliness,--like
+the too frequent and tumultuous "turning-outs" of an over-zealous
+housewife. A "Spring Clean," at St. Stephen's School, was a thing
+to remember, and shudder at. It was not a quiet House at the best of
+times. It seemed ever haunted by the Banshee of Noise, and disturbed
+by the cacophonous ghosts of dead Echoes. At the peacefulest periods
+it was pervaded by a baneful Spook called the "Party Spirit," and
+always by the dull booings of unwilling young gentlemen at their
+lessons, like the raucous murmurings of an assemblage of melancholy
+rooks, or of kites and crows cawing and screaming in the intervals of
+their clamorous scufflings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Holidays? Oh dear yes! If there was one thing Doctor GLADSTONE'S
+"young friends" _did_ care for, it was Holidays! The Doctor himself
+seemed as though he could--and were it possible--would do without
+them. But the Doctor's "lit-tle friends," however docile, could never
+be brought to see _that_. They did not usually commence their Spring
+"term" until February. And they were rips, even rampant, for a long
+"Recess" at Easter. When the Doctor, using his well-beloved formula,
+said, "Gentlemen, we will resume our studies upon----" they hung
+upon his words, and, if the conclusion of his formula showed any
+disposition to cut the Holidays short, they howled loudly in chorus,
+like hungry wolves disappointed of their quarry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was a sight to see Doctor GLADSTONE'S little friends returning to
+School _after_ the Easter Vacation. The Doctor, looking complacently
+expansive, cheerily anticipative, welcomed them on the doorstep.
+_They_ did not welcome _him_. Oh, dear no! Look at them; the five
+senior pupils in front, headed, of course, by that overgrown and
+somewhat ungainly Irish boy, Master PATRICK GREEN, cock of the School,
+and prime favourite of Doctor GLADSTONE! Can you not fancy them
+singing--after a famous original--the following quintett?
+
+           _The Five._ Five little boys for school are we,
+                       Back from a very short ho-li-dee;
+                       All as reluctant as well can be,--
+                           Five little boys for School!
+       _Master Green._ Holiday's over, there's no more fun!      [_Groans._
+       _Master Hodge._ Only just started! Wish I was done!      [_Snivels._
+        _Master Bung._ As for _me_, wish I'd never _begun_!       [_Howls._
+           _The Five._     Five little boys for School!
+  _All_ (_shrinking_). Five little boys who, all unwary,
+                       Entered old GLADSTONE'S big seminary,
+                       Slaves to his Genius tutelary----
+  _The Five_ (_suddenly demure, on catching sight of the Doctor_)--
+                           Five little boys "back to School!.!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DR. GLADSTONE AND HIS YOUNG
+FRIENDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF SOCIETY. II.--A LETTER OF ADVICE.
+
+_From Miss Belinda Bullion at Monte Carlo, to Miss Angelina Veaudor,
+in Mayfair._ (_Being a Pendant to a celebrated Poem by Praed._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  They tell me you've "landed" a lover
+    (Don't pout at the slang, dear, 'tis _chic_),
+  Before your first Season is over,
+    Before I have left you a week.
+  I learned the good news through my mother.
+    Who _is_ he? I wish I could guess.
+  If it's dear Lord FITZ-FRUMPINGTON'S brother,
+    My own ANGELINA, say "Yes."
+
+  _Tres chere_, we know Fortune and Fashion
+    Are sensible girlhood's sole guides,
+  Smart maidenhood ridicules passion,
+    And sentiment calmly derides.
+  I gave you "Bel Ami" as token
+    That we were not victims of "glow;"
+  You gave me your vow--is it broken?
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  We vowed, dear, no matter at what age,
+    By Sentiment not to be hooked,
+  Or cheated by Love in a Cottage,
+    Or Shepherds enchantingly crook'd.
+  Too well, dear, _we_ know modern men's tone,
+    Of "briar" the pipes which _they_ blow.
+  Say, have you gone soft _a la_ SHENSTONE?
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  Remember the cynic romances
+    We read in that Devonshire glen!
+  We are not the slaves of girl-fancies,
+    We've learned far too much about Men!
+  'Tis nice, with your head on his shoulder,
+    To whirl through the waltz with FRANK LOWE,
+  But should poor Adonis grow bolder,
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  You know without wealth and a carriage
+    Life's just a prolonged fit of spleen,
+  So don't let me mourn o'er your marriage
+    With any poor BROWN, JONES, or GREEN.
+  You swore mere romance should not thrill you,
+    Nor gold-less good looks make you glow;
+  And you will not go back on it--will you?
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  We're parted, but sympathy's fetter
+    Unites us, I'm sure of it, still.
+  I read your last laughable letter,
+   And see you are steering with skill.
+  True Love is all fiddlededee, love,
+    Full coffers count only, below.
+  If he's not what your husband should be, Love,
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  If he's over polite in his wooing,
+    If his heart is too plainly a-throb,
+  If he scarce seems aware what he's doing,
+    If he speaks with a blush or a sob;
+  If he is not "dead nuts" on his dinner,
+    If his voice or his spirits run low;
+  If he seems getting paler or thinner,
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  If he gives too much time to his Tennis,
+    Neglectful of dear L. S. D.,
+  If he chatters of WHISTLER and Venice,
+   If he cares about Five o'clock Tea;
+  If he's not sometimes rude or capricious
+    (All swells who have money are so),
+  Such signs are extremely suspicious;
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  If he shows a contempt for "the City,"
+    And drops little jeers about Jews,
+  If he talks of "the People" with pity,
+    Or rails at the Sweaters as "screws,"
+  These things prove a "popular leaning,"
+    And popular leanings are low;
+  Soft heart, and slack purse, are _their_ meaning--
+   My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  If he prates about Property's duties
+    In diction at all Gladstonese,
+  If he's down on Society Beauties,
+    If he has not a stare that can freeze;
+  If he does not abuse Foreign Powers,
+    And vote all philosophy slow,
+  If he's one of the time's "big Bow-wowers,"
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  He must walk like a Cit in his glory,
+    Of Money the true modern test,
+  He must be--yes, of course, dear--a Tory,
+    (As _partis_ that party are best)
+  If he knows not the old Carlton's portal,
+    Then--unless you've a Duke for a beau--
+  I beg you--for girls are but mortal--
+    My own ANGELINA, say "No!"
+
+  Don't bother about his extraction
+    Although there's a charm in good birth,
+  But Wealth yields life's sole satisfaction,
+    So find out, dear girl, _what he's worth_!
+  He may be but an oil-striking Yankee,
+    Eccentric in manners and dress,
+  But, if he has tin worth a "thankee,"
+    My own ANGELINA, say "Yes!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISTER JACKY'S VADE MECUM FOR THE EASTER HOLIDAYS.
+
+_Question._ What is the chief object you wish to attain during the
+Vacation?
+
+_Answer._ To have the best time possible under the most favourable
+conditions.
+
+_Q._ Is the comfort of your relations and friends to be taken into
+serious account in attaining this desirable end?
+
+_A._ Certainly not; the details to which you refer are unworthy of a
+moment's consideration.
+
+_Q._ Have you any objection to upsetting all the household
+arrangements on your arrival?
+
+_A._ Unquestionably no. If a morning performance commences at an hour
+early enough to require luncheon to be discussed at 12:30, why the
+_dejeuner a la fourchette_ (as the French would say) must be
+partaken within half-an-hour of noon. In like manner, if an evening
+representation begins at seven, the dinner-hour must be put back to
+half-past five.
+
+_Q._ If these alterations cause any disturbance of your father's
+habits, how would you deal with the matter?
+
+_A._ I would not deal with the matter at all. I would leave all purely
+necessary explanations to my mother.
+
+_Q._ During the time of your vacation will you approve of any
+dinner-parties?
+
+_A._ I have a rooted objection to such entertainments when the guests
+are of my parents' selection. However, I have no objection to a few
+fellows, say, like SMITH Major, or BROWN Minor, dropping in to supper
+on a Sunday.
+
+_Q._ Assuming that the hour you mention is your parents' favourite
+time for peace and quiet, does such an invasion suggest any
+reflection?
+
+_A._ No. If my parents have become slow during my enforced absence
+from home in the search of knowledge, it is time they should have the
+benefit accruing from contact with my revivifying characteristics.
+
+_Q._ Supposing your father expostulates with you, and advances
+the fact that you have received greater advantages than he himself
+enjoyed--for instance, that you have been to Eton--what should you
+reply?
+
+_A._ Practically nothing. However, in the cause of justice and truth,
+it might be advisable to answer his statement of fact that "he had
+never been to Eton" with the reply, "Anyone could see that."
+
+_Q._ If he complains that you do not rise until eleven, smoke
+cigarettes in the dining-room before lunch, smash the grand piano in
+the drawing-room, lame his favourite cob in the Row, and upset all his
+documents in the study, what answer would you make?
+
+_A._ That you were not responsible for the training which he had taken
+under his personal control. He must be satisfied with the broad result
+of your bringing-up.
+
+_Q._ If he declares his intention of addressing the Superintendent of
+your scholastic career on the matter, what would you do?
+
+_A._ Explain that your present position in the school, to which you
+supposed you would have to reluctantly return, was lacking in the
+element of popularity, and that any further move in the direction
+of increased reduction in that element might possibly lead to your
+expulsion. Deprecate personal objection to expulsion, but suggest
+that such a course might, by preventing your getting employment in the
+Church, Army, or Bar, lead to your being on your parents' hands for
+life.
+
+_Q._ When the time has all but arrived for your return to school, what
+should you do?
+
+_A._ Promptly catch the whooping-cough, the influenza, or measles. You
+will then afford a sufficient reason for extending the length of your
+vacation indefinitely.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TERRIBLE TURK.
+
+_Little Spinks._ "AH! ONCE I WAS AS INNOCENT AS A LITTLE CHILD! WHAT I
+AM _NOW_, YOUR SEX HAS MADE ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOBLE SELF-SACRIFICE.
+
+"The Duke of DEVONSHIRE has arranged to return from Monte Carlo
+on Saturday," so said the _Morning Post_, "in order to address a
+political meeting at Glasgow on April 14th." His Grace having torn
+himself away from delightful Monte Carlo, will then attempt to turn
+the tables on the _Liberales Gladstonienses_. But fancy renouncing
+sunny Mount Charles--"O Charley Mount is a pleasant place," as sang
+_Miles na Coppaleen_, who was, by the way, miles away from Monte
+Carlo--with its azure sky, its deep blue sea, its verdant green-cloth
+table land, its delightful _promenades a pied_, and its frisky
+_gambols a la roulette_, where the sunset and sunrise are _rouge_,
+and _noir_ is only "on the cards." Fancy renouncing these gay southern
+delights to live a laborious day in dry, hard, northern Glasgow!
+"O swallow, swallow, flying, flying South," how would you like to be
+checked in your holiday-making airy career in order to be brought back
+to the cold and cruel North? Such a self-sacrifice as this is indeed
+memorable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE BY THE SEA.   WIND N.E. BY E.
+
+  "We do not speak as we pass by!"
+  But tears down trickle from our eye!
+  Alas! Our love remains untold----
+  For each has got a thundering cold!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOKS THAT OUGHT TO APPEAR.
+
+_I Banish the Street Organs!_ By the Author of _I Forbid the Banns!_
+
+_A Boy's Present._ (Birthday Book.) By the Author of _A Girl's Past_.
+
+No. 1 of _The Domestic Lyre_, as a Companion to _The Family
+Storyteller_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YET THEY LOOK SO INNOCENT!--In the Language of Flowers, what species
+should always express untruths?--Li-lies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 27._--The Lowther Arcade not
+getting on so well as thought when projected. The Master Builder
+been diligently at work, but result disappointing. On Friday he
+got terribly snubbed by SPEAKER. Comes up to-day to make personal
+explanation. That a bait at which House usually jumps; always ready to
+be amused, or interested with scandal about Queen ELIZABETH and other
+persons. These things usually promised by personal explanation. To-day
+no flutter of excitement moved crowded House. JEMMY, approaching table
+with most judicial air, received with mocking laughter, and ironical
+cheers. Some difficulty in quite making out what he was at. Evidently
+something to do with SQUIRE of MALWOOD; but SQUIRE so inextricably
+mixed up with Supplementary Estimates, couldn't make out which
+was which. JAMES pounded along in most ponderous style; SQUIRE
+contemptuously replied; no one else inclined to join in conversation,
+and the Master Builder gloomily resumed his seat.
+
+"Never mind," I said, not liking to see an old friend cast down; "Rome
+wasn't built in a day, nor the Cave of Adullam excavated in a week.
+These things grow. You must have patience, and the Lowther Arcade
+will still flourish. Let me see, whom you have got? There's BARTLEY,
+HANBURY, and TOMMY BOWLES. LOWE, forming his Cave, hadn't so many to
+start with."
+
+"Yes," said the Master Builder, "that's all very well; but, fact is,
+you can't reckon upon these fellows as being, so to speak, colonnades
+in the Arcade. They are all on their own hook; fighting for their own
+hand; won't take the lead from me; must go foraging for themselves.
+HANBURY thinks he can boss a show better than most men. BARTLEY'S
+obstreperous. TOMMY BOWLES would be all right if he were left to
+himself, free from the companionship of designing men. He is young,
+ingenuous, not wholly lost to a sense of regard for his pastors and
+masters, lack of which is the curse of modern Youth. I believe TOMMY
+respects me, and, only for the evil communications to which he is
+subject on the back bench, would work loyally with me in establishing
+the Arcade."
+
+There was unwonted moisture in the Master Builder's eye as he turned
+round, and regarded the Member for King's Lynn what time he softly
+whistled to himself the old Jacobite air, "_Tommy make Room for your
+Uncle_."
+
+_Business done._--Vote of Censure moved by Prince ARTHUR; Government
+majority runs up on division to 47; Ministerialists, fresh from
+meeting at Foreign Office, agree that, on whole, have spent a happy
+day. Debate spasmodically dull. Prince ARTHUR could not lift it out of
+the rut, nor GRANDOLPH either. Only Mr. G. shone with effulgent light
+through gloom of evening. Principal result of manoeuvre, beyond
+giving fillip to majority, is that a day will be filched from meagre
+holidays, and House must needs sit on Thursday.
+
+_Tuesday._--Mr. G. looked in in time to say a few words in reply to
+Prince ARTHUR'S inquiries as to business arrangements. Later he came
+back, and delivered excellent speech; brief, and direct to point.
+House been talking all morning round Vote on Account. MACFARLANE done
+Rule-of-three sum, to show how twelve hundred days are lost every week
+by necessity imposed upon Members of coming down two hours in advance
+to take their seats. Some disposition shown by practical Members to
+argue question whether there could be twelve hundred days in any week,
+even in Leap-Year.
+
+"I know I'm right," said MACFARLANE, and the sceptics, gazing
+respectfully at his flowing beard, withdrew from controversy.
+
+House divided on Motion by LEGH to reduce Foreign Office Vote.
+Ministerial majority run up at a jump to 225. Time by Westminster
+clock, 6.10 P.M.; in twenty minutes, sitting will be suspended; Vote
+must be through Committee to-day; TOMMY BOWLES (who hasn't made a
+speech for a quarter of an hour) on his feet; sheafs of manuscript in
+his hand; would certainly oblige to extent of twenty minutes; BARON
+DE WORMS also has a few remarks to offer; probable length of Channel
+Tunnel. Mr. G. interposes. "Mr. MELLOR," he said, addressing Chairman,
+"I claim to have the question now put."
+
+Ringing cheers went up from Ministerialists. TOMMY resumed his seat;
+gruefully glanced at notes. The Noble Baron saw in this manoeuvre
+fresh proof that Mr. G. had sold himself to Germany; having completed
+preparation for separation of the Empire on the side of the Irish
+Channel, would immediately after, by medium of WATKIN'S Tunnel, place
+what was left of the country at the mercy of a foreign foe. Meanwhile
+Closure moved; what's more, carried on division by swingeing majority
+of over a hundred. So Vote agreed to; Mr. G. gets off for short drive
+before dressing for dinner.
+
+[Illustration: EASTER AT THE ZOO.]
+
+Earned a night's rest, and a longer Easter holiday than he has
+allotted to himself and us. Older he gets, the younger he seems. His
+work to-day should make the eight-hours' man blush. At bay in Downing
+Street since twelve o'clock with two hostile deputations. Came from
+Ulster and the City, resolved to beard Home-Rule Lion in his den.
+Alone he met them; one down, the other come on; no interval of rest;
+picked men from Ulster, Selected Captains from the City, surged around
+table at which he sat. Hardly left him time to reply. Having politely
+conducted Ulster to door, enter the City Fathers, fresh and eager for
+fray. Told him over again in varied phrase how he was bringing country
+to verge of ruin; listened with perfect courtesy, as if they'd been
+discussing someone else--say, his next-door neighbour, SQUIRE of
+MALWOOD and Junior Lord of Downing Street. Up again when last in list
+of City speakers had concluded. Almost persuaded JOHN LUBBOCK to be
+a Home-Ruler; then down to House, dealing with mass of correspondence
+littering his table in room behind SPEAKER'S chair; alert on sound of
+division-bell; comes in to move Closure; remembers that in long list
+of speeches never made this particular one before; looks up PALGRAVE'S
+_Handbook_; cons his lesson and declaims brief formula in deep rich
+voice that lends touch of eloquence to its unadorned, remorseless
+demand. All this, too, following on a day like yesterday, when two
+other deputations stormed Downing Street; drew from him weighty reply;
+followed, after hasty dinner, by a speech in the House on the eternal
+Irish question, which GRANDOLPH rightly termed, "entrancing."
+
+"A Grand Old Man, indeed!" said PRINCE ARTHUR, talking over these
+things to-night, when he should have been listening to TOMMY BOWLES,
+who having at the morning sitting had his speech on Vote on Account
+closured, delivered another at evening sitting on the question of the
+Depreciation of Silver as it affects domestic architecture in China
+and Peru.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account through Committee.
+
+_Thursday._--CAINE going about House this afternoon, his slim figure
+bulging out at the pockets in mysterious fashion, "Brought your supper
+with you?" I asked, lightly touching one of the excrescences that felt
+like an imperial pint of ginger-beer (WHITE 1880). "You seem bursting
+with broiled bones. All no use. No more all-night sittings _this_ side
+of Easter."
+
+[Illustration: Portrait of a Member of Parliament examining the
+Signatures to a Petition against the Local-Veto Bill, to see if they
+are genuine or not. (_Vide_ Report of the Proceedings in the Commons,
+March 28, which suggests that they are obtained in Public Houses.)]
+
+"No, my boy, you're wrong," said CAINE. "Fact is, I'm going off to
+the country, and these protuberances you observe about my person are
+phonograms. All labelled, you see," he said, taking out cylinders from
+several pockets. "Here are a few remarks on Registration; that's my
+Local-Veto Speech; and here is an entirely new view of the Home-Rule
+question. If you like to come over to my house at Clapham--close by,
+you know, busses every ten minutes--you shall have a night's thorough
+enjoyment. Leave you in the room by yourself with the phonograph. Pop
+in one of these cylinders; set the phonograph whizzing; and you'll
+hear me on Local Veto. Take out cylinder, put in another, and you'll
+know more about Home Rule in five minutes than you ever dreamt.
+Can only let you have them for to-night. To-morrow they go down to
+Yorkshire, and thro' Easter Recess I shall be delivering, at various
+places, six speeches every night, I myself comfortably making holiday
+in Wales." "Thank you," I said; "but, if you'll excuse me, I think
+I'll go home and go to bed." In truth, a little depressed. Here's a
+nice prospect for the holidays! Bad enough to have Members working off
+at public meetings speeches that had been closured in Commons. But if
+every man is, during the recess, to multiply himself by phonography,
+the last state of this country will be worse than the first.
+
+_Business done._--Adjourned for Easter Holidays. Just escaped sitting
+over Good Friday. Back next Thursday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW "FOURTH PARTY."
+
+T. G. B-wl-s.  Right Hon. J-m-s L-wth-r.  G. C. B-rtl-y.  R. W. H-nb-ry.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note:
+Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+104, April 8, 1893, by Various
+
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