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diff --git a/22671.txt b/22671.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d78ed8d --- /dev/null +++ b/22671.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1628 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +April 8, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 8, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 19, 2007 [EBook #22671] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 104. + +APRIL 8, 1893. + + +Edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + + +SPORTING ANSWERS. + +ANGLING. + +FLEACATCHER.--Yes, the trout in the river Itching (this is the only +correct spelling) are red, and, before they are boiled, raw. The best +method of catching them is to tickle them. When you have hooked an +Itching trout, you first scratch him, and then cook him. + +NOVICE.--We only knew one man who could make a decent rod, and he died +twenty years ago. Remember the old adage so dear to IZAAK, _Qui parcit +virgae spoliat puerum_. For instructions as to use of implement, and +translation of Latin, apply to any head-master. Failure in the latter +will inevitably lead to application of the former. Then pause for +reflection, but _don't sit down_. + +SPOOK.--What on earth is the use of applying to us about a phantom? +We never keep one on the premises. Try personal interview with W. T. +STEAD, who has a fine selection, JULIA being specially effective. Why +do you ask if we generally spin? Not having been born a top, we prefer +walking. + +CONTEMPLATIVE.--(1) It's absolutely useless offering us these paltry +inducements to betray the secrets of our skill. We are--we hope we may +say it without undue pride--an All-Round Angler, and we are not going +to be squared by a bait of that kind. (2) We have never pretended we +were a salmon. If ANDREW LANG says we have, we challenge him to repeat +it to our face before witnesses. (3) Whitebait are no longer kept in +the Round Pond at Kensington. We knew as many as four there ten years +ago. + +CALIPEE.--You are quite right. When a ship turns turtle the fact is +instantly communicated to the Lord Mayor and Aldermen of the City of +London. They proceed to the spot in the _Maria Wood_, and the one +who secures the interesting saurian is allowed to eat all the green +fat. With you we hope devoutly that the time is far distant when the +desecrating hand of a Socialistic Government will be allowed to lay a +finger on these ancient civic customs. No. The Fishmongers' Company do +not sell fish. Their motto is, _Edo, non vendo_. + + * * * * * + +ACTON EST.--_The Cornhill Magazine_ for this month has an interesting +article on "Actors and Actresses in Westminster Abbey," not seen there +much when alive, but there for good after their decease. It is stated +of Mrs. BARRY that she was not interred in the Abbey, as has been, +it appears, generally supposed, but found her resting-place at Acton. +Odd, that when she had ceased to act, she should be sent to Act-on! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, AND THE POUNDS," &c. + +_Muriel._ "MAMMA, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THE CARRIAGE OUT FOR SO LATE? +WHERE _ARE_ YOU GOING?" + +_Mrs. Goldie._ "NOW, MURIEL, YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER KEEPS WORRYING +ABOUT EXTRAVAGANCE, AND OF COURSE I MUST SET AN EXAMPLE. SO I'M GOING +TO THE PUBLIC LIBRARY TO SEE THE EVENING PAPER!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CRY OF THE CUE-IST. (_To the Champion, by a Discouraged +Competitor._) + + Break, break, break, + On the smooth green board, O JOHN! + And I would civil words could utter + My thoughts, as the game goes on! + + O well for the three-figure runs + You have made since we opened play! + O ill for my nine thousand start, + Which you're lessening day by day! + + And the marvellous shots go on + To your score, which is mounting still! + But O for a touch of that wondrous hand, + And a slice of that startling skill! + + Break, break, break! + _There's_ a shot! Great Scott! O, see! + What tender grace! And if once ahead + You will never "come back" to me! + + * * * * * + + "EPSOM SPRING MEETING."--In former times this used to be a + fashionable rendezvous for invalids who went there to drink + the beneficial waters of the Epsom Spring. Now there is not + much water taken at these Spring Meetings; and what water is + taken is not "an unmixed good." + + * * * * * + + A LESSON IN "BOOK-KEEPING."--Never lend one. + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW. + +SCENE--_An Office._ BROWN _and_ JONES _discovered talking over the +incidents of the recent holiday._ + +_Brown._ Yes; I was up at six on the Monday. + +_Jones._ Well, you were in luck; for I had to be ready by four. The +battalion had to be drawn up at the station by 4.45. + +_Brown._ To be sure. You went down before we did. + +_Jones._ Yes. I wish we had got some coffee before starting. + +_Brown._ But you had your breakfast on your arrival, didn't you? + +_Jones._ Yes, to be sure; but as we were a bit late, it was rather a +scramble. + +_Brown._ Well, of course one has to get on to parade as soon as +possible. We cut it rather fine too. But that's the case with all of +us. + +_Jones._ To be sure; and if you lose time at one end, you must make up +for it at the other--that stands to reason. And how did you get on? + +_Brown._ First rate. We were on the march from nine to five. + +_Jones._ So were we; and didn't have time scarcely to get to our +havresacks. + +_Brown._ Just our fortune. Always on the move. I wore out my leathers +in fine style. + +_Jones._ So did I. And then we had to go back to the train before we +could get any dinner. + +_Brown._ My fate too. And, when I got home, the slavey had forgotten +to lay supper! + +_Jones._ So had mine. But still it was a glorious holiday--now, wasn't +it? + +_Brown._ I should say it was! A glorious holiday! + +[_They return to their ledgers._ + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +ABSCONDRELISM.--I belong to a Building Society. At present the concern +is exceptionally prosperous, and I have no reason to suppose that the +Directors and Manager are not scrupulously honest. Still, it is as +well to be prepared for all eventualities, and, as a couple of years +seems to be about the time required by the authorities before they can +make up their minds to prosecute anybody, I should like to know if +I could apply for a warrant against the officials of my Society _at +once_, so as to have everything ready in case any of them should +develop fraudulent tendencies a few years hence? Would there be any +objection to this? Perhaps some legal reader would reply. Also, is it +a fact that Messrs. BALBERT AND HURLFOUR have started a model Colony, +on entirely new and philanthropic lines, in Mexico, and are inviting +English settlers (unconnected with the "Liberator" Society) to join +them there, the prospectus of the scheme being headed:--"By kind +permission of the Public Prosecutor"?--PROPHYLACTIC. + + * * * * * + +HER "DAY OF REST." + +(_The Song of the Shop-Girl._) + +[Illustration: ["As one poor shop-girl said:--'After the fatigue and +worry of the week, I am so thoroughly worn out, that my only thought +is to rest on a Sunday; but it goes too quickly, and the other days +drag on so slowly!'"--_Quoted by Sir John Lubbock in the recent Debate +on Early Closing for Shops._]] + + Eight o'clock strikes! + The short day's sped,-- + My Day of Rest! That beating in my head + Hammers on still, like coffin-taps. He likes, + Our lynx-eyed chief, to see us brisk and trim + On Monday mornings; and though brains may swim, + And breasts sink sickeningly with nameless pain, + _He_ cannot feel the faintness and the strain, + And what are they to him? + + This morning's sun peeped in + Invitingly, as though to win + My footsteps fieldwards, just one day in seven! + The thought of hedgerows was like opening heaven, + And the stray sunray's gleam, + Threading the dingy blind, + Seemed part of a sweet dream, + For in our sleep the Fates _are_ sometimes kind. + "Come out!" it said, "but not with weary tread, + And feet of lead, + The long, mud-cumbered, cold, accustomed way, + For the great Shop is shuttered close to-day, + And you awhile are free!" + _Free?_ With a chain of iron upon my heart, + That drags me down, and makes the salt tears start! + + Oh, that inexorable weariness + That through the enfeebled flesh lays crushing stress + On the young spirit! Young? There is no youth + For such as I. It dies, in very truth, + At the first touch of the taskmaster's hand. + A doctrine hard for you to understand, + Gay sisters of the primrose path, + Whose only chain is as a flowery band. + The toil that outstays nature hath + A palsying power, a chilling force + Which freezes youth at its fresh source. + Only the Comus wand + Of an unhallowed Pleasure offers such + Freedom, and with pollution in its touch. + + The languid lift + Of head from pillow tells us the good gift + Of Sabbath rest is more than half in vain. + Tired! Tired! In flesh, bone, brain, + Heart, fancy, pulse, and nerve! + Such is our doom who stand and serve + The unrewarding public, thoughtless they + Of slaves whose souls they slay! + + Oh, that long standing--standing--standing yet! + With the flesh sick, the inmost soul a-fret, + Pale, pulseless patiences, our very sex, + That should be a protection, one more load + To lade, and chafe, and vex. + No tired ox urged to tramping by the goad + Feels a more mutely-maddening weariness + Than we white, black-garbed spectral girls who stand + Stonily smiling on while ladies grand, + Easily seated, idly turn and toss + The samples; and our Watcher, 'neath the gloss + Of courtly smugness glaring menace, stalks + About us, creaking cruelty as he walks. + + Stand! Stand! Still stand! + Clenched teeth and clutching hand, + Swift blanching cheek, and twitching muscle, tell + To those who know, what _we_ know all too well, + Ignored by Fashion, coldly mocked by Trade. + Are we not for the sacrifice arrayed + In dainty vesture? Pretty, too, they say + Male babblers, whom our sufferings and poor pay + Might shock, could they but guess + Trim figure and smart dress + Cover and hide, from all but doctor-ken, + Disease and threatening death. Oh! men, men, men! + You bow, smile, flatter--aught but _understand_! + Long hours lay lethal hand + Upon our very vitals. Seats might save + From an untimely grave, + Hundreds of harried, inly anguished girls; + _You_ see--their snow-girt throats and neatly-ordered curls! + + Out to the green fields? Nay, + This all too fleeting day + To rest is dedicate. But not the rest + Of brightened spirit, and of lightened breast. + The dull, dead, half-inanimate leaden crouch + Of sheer exhaustion on this shabby couch + Is all my week's repose. + Read? But the tired eyes close, + The book from nerveless fingers drops; + Almost the slow heart stops. + But the clock halts not on its restless round. + Weariness shudders at the whirring sound, + As the sharp strike declares + Swift to its closing wears + One more of those brief interludes from toil + Which leave us still the labour-despot's spoil, + Slaves of long hours and unrelaxing strain, + Unstrengthened and unsolaced, soon again + To tread the round, and lift the lengthening chain; + _Stand_--till hysteria lays its hideous clutch + On our girl-hearts, or epilepsy's touch + Thrills through tired nerves and palsied brain. + Again--again--again! + _How long?_ Till Death, upon its kindly quest, + Gives a true Day of Rest! + + * * * * * + +EASTER MANOEUVRES. + +[Illustration: BACCHUS ON A BICYCLE! + +(A "SAFETY" TOO!!) + +_This incident repeated itself to infinity from the East End to +Hammersmith and back!!_] + + * * * * * + +ROYAL REWARDS TO GOOD PLAYERS.--"As a sequel to the performance of +_Becket_ at Windsor, Mr. IRVING"--as we were informed by the _Daily +News_--"was presented by the QUEEN with a stud." What will he do with +the stud? Will he take to the turf, go racing, and keep the stud at +some Newmarket training-stables? Perhaps "the stud" consisted of fifty +"ponies"--but this is a purse-an'-all matter, into which we are not +at liberty to inquire. Miss ELLEN TERRY received a brooch from HER +MAJESTY, on which are the letters "V.R.I." Our 'ARRY says these +initials signify "_Ve Are 'I_ghly pleased." Or, taking the two +presents together, as speaking, V.R.I, might mean, says 'ARRY, "_Ve +R-Ived safely._" + + * * * * * + +LION AND LAMB. + + ["I think that when we consider an Opposition, in which Lord + SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN pacifically sit down--or lie + down, together, we need not, ourselves, feel very sensitive + on the subject of homogeneity."--_Mr. Gladstone at the F. O. + Liberal Meeting._] + + Solly had a little Lamb, + From Brummagem you know! + And wheresoever SOLLY went + That Lamb was bound to go. + The Lion and the Lamb in fact! + And what could be more jolly? + Yet some _do_ whisper that--sometimes-- + The Lamb seems leading SOLLY. + + * * * * * + +"WHAT HO, APOTHECARY!"--Last week the Earl of BESSBOROUGH was +announced as having arrived at Bessborough, Pilltown, Ireland. What +an appropriate spot for erecting an Irish Apothecaries' Hall! What is +Lord BESSBOROUGH'S family name? Is it The O'COCKLE? + + * * * * * + +THE AUTHOR. + + It lay on the book-stall for sale, + But no one to purchase seemed willing, + The ticket was "Humorous Tale, + Two-and-sixpence--reduced to a shilling." + + But the humour was lost upon me. + And the jest fell uncommonly flat. + Could the jokes I had written then be + So fallen in value as that? + + * * * * * + +THE FIRST DUTY OF AN OPPOSITION (_As it now seems to +be understood_).--"To lie in cool Obstruction, and talk +rot."--(_Shakspeare_--slightly _adapted_.) + + * * * * * + +MODERN TRANSLATION BY OUR YOUNGEST SPORTING ETONIAN.--"_In forma +pauperis_"--_i.e._, "in rather poor form." + + * * * * * + +AT AN AFTERNOON ENTERTAINMENT. + +SCENE--_Prince's Hall, Piccadilly. Among the Audience are_--A London +Aunt, _and her_ Eldest Daughter, _with a_ Cousin from the Country, +_who is just a little difficult to amuse; a_ Serious-minded Lady _from +Brixton, with a more frivolous_ Friend; _a pair of_ Fiances; _and +an_ Unsophisticated Father, _with an_ Up-to-date little Daughter. +_An exhibition of "Pure Sleight-of-Hand" has just been given on the +Stage._ + +_The Serious Lady._ Clever? Yes, my dear, it is _clever_ enough, +if that's all; but I never can quite reconcile _my_ conscience +to encouraging a fellow-creature to make a living by deliberate +deception! + +_Her Friend._ Oh, I don't see any harm in conjuring, myself. + +_The S. L._ I can't forget that Pharaoh had his Sorcerers and +Magicians, and how _they_ acted! + +_Her Friend._ Ah, I never saw _them_. + +_The London Aunt_ (_to her_ Niece). Enjoying it, SOPHY? Such a _treat_ +for you, to see really good conjuring! + +_Sophy._ Yes, Aunt, thank you. But our new Curate did that trick with +_two_ rabbits at the last Penny Readings we had! + +[_A calico screen is brought forward on which the Entertainer throws +various shadows with his hands._ + +_The S. L._ Is that a little house at the corner? Oh, he doesn't do +_that_ with his hands--then I see no merit in it. Who's that? (_A +small male shadow, cast by the performer's right hand, crosses the +screen, and knocks timidly at the door, which is opened by the +left hand, in the character of a little Lady. The couple embrace +effusively, and retire inside._) Ah, that's the husband coming home! + +[_Another male shadow enters and knocks furiously, while the little +Lady reconnoitres cautiously from the window above._ + +_Her Friend._ I expect _that_ must be the husband. + +_The S. L._ What?--and the wife behaving like that in his absence! If +I thought _that_ was the---- (_The first male shadow comes out, and +fights the second, who retreats, worsted._) I never saw anything so +scandalous. How you can call yourself consistent, and sit there and +_laugh_ at such things----! + +_Her Friend_ (_apologetically_). I can't help laughing--and, after +all, perhaps they're only rival lovers, or he's her _father_, or +something. + +_The S. L._ And she inviting one to come into the house in that bold +way--a nice example for young persons! Look there, he's come back with +a flageolet, and she's actually poured a jug of water on his head +out of the window! "Only a pair of hands," did you say? So it _may_ +be--but we all know _who_ it is that "Finds some mischief still For +idle hands to do"--and there we have an illustration of it, my dear. + +[_She shakes herself down in her sealskins with virtuous disapproval._ + +_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_who has been roaring with laughter_). +Capital! It is amazingly clever, 'pon my word! Can't imagine how they +do these things--can _you_, VIVVIE? [_To Up-to-Date Child._ + +_Miss Vivien._ Oh, well I've seen so much conjuring at parties, you +know, Father, that I don't notice it particularly,--but it's nice to +see _you_ so amused! + +_The U. F._ I'm _young_, you see, VIVVIE; but I hope you're not bored? + +MISS V. No, I'm not _bored_--only I thought there'd be some Serpentine +dancing, and more of the _Music Hall_ about it. + +_The U. F._ Music Hall! Why, what do _you_ know about Music Halls, eh? + +_Miss V._ (_with calm superiority_). Several of their songs--if you +call _that_ anything. + +_The U. F._ I should be inclined to call it a good deal too much! + +_Miss V._ (_compassionately_). Would you? Poor dear Father! But you +never _were_ very modern, were you? + +[_A Blind-folded Lady on the Stage has been reading and adding up +figures on a black board, and now offers to tell the day of the week +of any person's birth in the audience._ + +_Her Colleague._ Will some gentleman kindly oblige me with the date of +his birth? + +_The Fiancee._ Now, JACK, tell yours. I _want_ you to. + +_Jack_ (_in an unnaturally gruff voice_). Fourteenth of February, +eighteen-sixty-nine! + +_The Blindfolded Lady_ (_with the air of the Delphic Pythia_). +Yes--_that_ fell upon a Monday. [_Applause._ + +_Her Coll._ Is that correct, Sir? + +_Jack._ Don't know. + +[_He reddens, and tries to look unconscious._ + +_Her Coll._ Now I will ask the Lady if she can mention some event of +importance that took place on the same date. + +_The Bl. L._ Let me think. Yes. (_Solemnly._) On the same +date, in the year seventeen-hundred-and-thirty-seven, goloshes were +first invented! [_Loud applause._ + +_Miss V._ (_as the pair retire_). Well, thank goodness, we've seen the +last of that beastly black-board. I didn't come here to add up sums. +What is it next? Oh, a "Farmyard Imitator." I expect that will be +rather rot, Father, don't you? + +[_Enter a Gentleman in evening dress who gives realistic imitations of +various live-stock._ + +_The Country Cousin._ That's _exactly_ the way our little Berkshire +pig grunts, and "Sweetlips" calls her calf just like that--and, oh, +KATIE, I _wonder_ if he could have heard our Dorkings clucking at +home--I think he _must_ have--he does it so exactly the same! + +_Katie._ Then you do think _that's_ clever, SOPHY? + +_Sophy._ Oh, well--for an _imitation_, you know! + +[_A "Sensational Cage Mystery" is introduced; a pretty child is shut +up in a cage, which is opened a moment after, and found to contain a +Negro who capers out, grinning._ + +_The London Aunt._ SOPHY, do you see that?--there's a black man there +now, instead! + +_Sophy_ (_without enthusiasm_). Yes, Aunt, I see, thank you. + +_Katie._ Don't you _like_ it, SOPHY? + +_Sophy._ I don't see why it need have been a _Nigger_! + +_The S. L._ (_after a "Humorous Musical Sketch" by a clever and, +charming young Lady_). Like _that_, my dear?--a Young Woman giving a +description of how she actually went on the Stage, and imitating men +in that way! It was as much as _I_ could do to sit still in my seat! + +_Her Friend._ I must say I thought it was very amusing. + +_The S. L._ Amusing? I daresay. But, to my mind, young girls have no +_business_ to be amusing, and take off other people. I've no opinion +of such ways myself. I don't know what my dear Mother would have done +if _I'd_ ever been amusing--she would have broken her heart, I do +believe! + +_The Friend_ (_to herself_). She wouldn't have split her sides, that's +very certain! + +[_A_ Lady Physiognomist _appears in cap and gown, and invites +a subject to step upon the stage, and have his or her character +revealed._ + +_Jack_ (_to his Fiancee_). No, I say--but look here, FLOSSIE, _really_ +I'd rather not--with all these people looking! + +_Flossie._ Then I shall think you've something to _conceal_, JACK--you +wouldn't like me to feel that _already_, would you? + +[Illustration: "He blinks and smiles in feeble confusion."] + +[JACK, _resignedly, mounts the platform, and occupies a chair, in +which he blinks and smiles in feeble confusion, while the_ Professor +_studies his features dispassionately._ + +_The Lady Phys._ The first thing to notice is the disposition of +the ears. Now here we have a Gentleman whose ears stick out in a very +remarkable manner. [_Delight of Audience._ + +_Flossie_ (_to herself_). They _do_--awfully! I never noticed it +before. But it really rather suits him; at least---- [_She meditates._ + +_The L. Ph._ This denotes an original and inquiring mind; this +gentleman takes nothing on trust--likes to see everything for himself; +he observes a good deal more than he ever says anything about. His +nose is wide at the tip, showing a trustful and confiding disposition; +it has a bump in the centre, denoting a moderate amount of +combativeness. The nostrils indicate a keen sense of humour. (_Here_ +JACK _giggles bashfully._) There is a twist in the upper lip, +which indicates--well, I won't say that he would actually tell an +_untruth_--but if he had the opportunity for doing so, he has the +capacity for taking advantage of it. I think that is all I have to say +about this Gentleman. + +_Flossie_ (_to_ JACK, _after he has returned to her side_). JACK, if +you can't leave off having an original and inquiring mind, you must at +least promise me _one_ thing--it's very little to ask! + +_Jack._ You know I'd do any blessed thing in the world for you +FLOSSIE,--what is it? + +_Flossie._ Only to wear an elastic round your ears at night, JACK! + +_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_at the conclusion of the exhibition, +as the Missing Lady disappears with a bang, in full view of the +Audience_). There, VIVVIE; she's vanished clean away. What do you say +to that, eh? + +_Vivien_ (_composedly_). Well, I think we may as well vanish too +Father. It's all over! + +_The S. L._ (_going out_). I don't wish to judge _others_--far from +it--but, speaking for myself, ELIZA, I _cannot_ feel this has been +a profitable method of employing precious moments which can never be +recalled. + +_Her Friend._ Oh, it's quite early. You'll have plenty of time to get +a cup of tea, and do some shopping before it's dark. + +_The S. L._ (_severely_). That was not precisely what I _meant_, +ELIZA! + +[_But it is precisely what she does._ + + * * * * * + +ADVERTISEMENT'S ADVERSARIES. + +["A Society has been formed to deliver us from hideous +advertisements." + +_The Saturday Review._] + + O newly-formed Society, we note with admiration + The truly novel purpose which you seem to have at heart, + And with no little eagerness await its consummation, + When popular advertisements will shine as works of art. + + Then picturesque localities no longer will be crowded + With puffs of panaceas for our universal ills, + No longer will the atmosphere be permanently clouded + By sky-signs built to promulgate a patent soap or pills. + + No more in train or omnibus will every inch of boarding + Be covered with advertisements of variegated hue; + No more in every thoroughfare will each obtrusive hoarding + Blaze, hideously chromatic, with its yellow, red, and blue. + + One thing, perhaps, you'll tell us,--you will pardon the suggestion-- + We doubt not your ability your purposes to win, + But yet our curiosity would fain propound the question,-- + How, excellent Society, and when, will you begin? + + * * * * * + +"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM IN THE SPRING" may now be seen in all their +glory at the Crystal Palace Show. The excellent arrangements there +made for their exhibition prove that they have been designed and +carried out by a clever "Head"-Gardener. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: At Easter Time the Baron de B.-W. visits his friend +_The_ Peer of Brighton.] + +Seeing that _A Wild Wooing_ (published by F. V. WHITE & CO.) is by +FLORENCE WARDEN, authoress of _The House on the Marsh_, the Baron +anticipated a real treat. But he was somewhat disappointed. The novel +is in one volume, which is an attraction, and that volume is of a +portable size, which is another note in its favour; also it is +not illustrated, which is an undisguised blessing. The story is +interesting up to a certain point, which, however, does not take you +very far into the book, and, after this point, the murmurings behind +walls, the moving and dragging of heavy bodies under the floors, the +insecure rope-ladders, the trap-doors, cellars, underground passages, +smugglers, murderers, victims, and all sorts of mixed mysteries, +become tiresome. There is yet another fault, which is, that the story +is not told in so convincing a style as to make the reader feel quite +sure that the authoress is not "getting at him" all the time, and +just trying to see what quantity of old melodramatic stuff he will +patiently stand. + +Henceforth FLORENCE WARDEN will do well to get away from the rusty +bars, bolts, chains, trap-doors, and cellars, from ruined castles, +as grim as that of _Udolpho_, "of which," as Sir WALTER said in his +preface to _Waverley_, "the Eastern wing had long been uninhabited, +and the keys either lost, or consigned to the care of some aged butler +or housekeeper, whose trembling steps, &c., &c." Accidentally, turning +from "White" to "Black," the Baron took up the first volume of the +excellent re-issue of the _Waverley Novels_, by Messrs. ADAM AND +CHARLES BLACK, called _The Dryburgh Edition_, and commenced reading +the introductory chapter of _Waverley_, which at that time, gave the +death-thrust to the melodramatic horrors of romantic tales, whether +evolved from the inner consciousness of English writers, or openly +acknowledged as "taken from the German." + +In view of the sensational romance of the present day, towards which, +when really good, the Baron owns to having a decided leaning--it is +interesting to note how brave Sir WALTER defied the existing fashion +in novels of his own time, spurned the sentimental "Mordaunts," the +"Belvilles," and such like played-out names of ancient chivalry, +laughed at the heroine "with a profusion of auburn hair and a harp," +and, like the Magician of the North that he was, boldly gave to the +world his historic novels, in which, where History doesn't suit the +requirements of fiction, it is so much the worse for History. Are +there very many of the present generation who have not read Sir WALTER +SCOTT'S novels? If there be any--and there must be, or where would be +the demand to occasion this new and admirably devised supply--let them +at once put aside modern sensationalism, and commence WALTER SCOTT as +a study. The Baron knows personally one man of mature years, who has +read neither _Waverley_ nor several others of the series, and him he +envies, for, as the student in question has already set himself to the +task, he has the greatest literary pleasure of his life yet to +come. Type, size of book, excellent as a library edition; and the +illustrations, so far as they have gone, are good, and not too +distracting. And so, after this unequivocal expression of his +sentiments, he signs himself, + +THE BOLD BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LESSON IN ALTRUISM. + +ALWAYS BE KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS--THEIR LIVES ARE SHORT, AND SHOULD +BE MADE HAPPY AND AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE--EVEN AT THE COST OF A +LITTLE TEMPORARY DISCOMFORT TO YOURSELF.] + + * * * * * + +BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DOCTOR BLIMBER-GLADSTONE AND HIS "LIT-TLE +FRIENDS." + +(_Dombeyish Fragments, with a smack of "The Mikado."_) + +Whenever a young gentleman was taken in hand by Dr. BLIMBER-GLADSTONE, +he might consider himself sure of a pretty tight squeeze. The Doctor +only undertook the charge of a limited number of young gentlemen at a +time, but he had always ready a supply of "cram" for a hundred, on the +lowest estimate; and it was at once the business and delight of +his life to gorge "his young friends," few or many, to their utmost +capacity, and sometimes beyond it. + +In fact, Dr. GLADSTONE'S establishment was a great Hothouse, in which +there was a forcing apparatus incessantly at work. All the boys blew +before their time--or so said the Doctor's rivals and foes. Mental +Green Peas were produced in February, and intellectual Scarlet-Runners +in March. Mathematical Great Gooseberries were common at untimely +seasons, other than the appropriate Silly one. + +This was all very pleasant and ingenious, but the system of forcing +was attended with its usual disadvantage. There was sometimes not the +right taste about the premature productions, and they didn't always +keep well. + +The Doctor's was a mighty fine House, fronting the river. Not always a +joyful style of House within; sometimes quite the contrary. The seats +were in rows, like figures in a sum. The sitters also were often in +rows--with a slight (phonetic) difference. The House was well provided +with Hot Water, on the "constant-supply" system. But somehow this +seemed rather to conduce to discomfort than to real cleanliness,--like +the too frequent and tumultuous "turning-outs" of an over-zealous +housewife. A "Spring Clean," at St. Stephen's School, was a thing +to remember, and shudder at. It was not a quiet House at the best of +times. It seemed ever haunted by the Banshee of Noise, and disturbed +by the cacophonous ghosts of dead Echoes. At the peacefulest periods +it was pervaded by a baneful Spook called the "Party Spirit," and +always by the dull booings of unwilling young gentlemen at their +lessons, like the raucous murmurings of an assemblage of melancholy +rooks, or of kites and crows cawing and screaming in the intervals of +their clamorous scufflings. + + * * * * * + +Holidays? Oh dear yes! If there was one thing Doctor GLADSTONE'S +"young friends" _did_ care for, it was Holidays! The Doctor himself +seemed as though he could--and were it possible--would do without +them. But the Doctor's "lit-tle friends," however docile, could never +be brought to see _that_. They did not usually commence their Spring +"term" until February. And they were rips, even rampant, for a long +"Recess" at Easter. When the Doctor, using his well-beloved formula, +said, "Gentlemen, we will resume our studies upon----" they hung +upon his words, and, if the conclusion of his formula showed any +disposition to cut the Holidays short, they howled loudly in chorus, +like hungry wolves disappointed of their quarry. + + * * * * * + +It was a sight to see Doctor GLADSTONE'S little friends returning to +School _after_ the Easter Vacation. The Doctor, looking complacently +expansive, cheerily anticipative, welcomed them on the doorstep. +_They_ did not welcome _him_. Oh, dear no! Look at them; the five +senior pupils in front, headed, of course, by that overgrown and +somewhat ungainly Irish boy, Master PATRICK GREEN, cock of the School, +and prime favourite of Doctor GLADSTONE! Can you not fancy them +singing--after a famous original--the following quintett? + + _The Five._ Five little boys for school are we, + Back from a very short ho-li-dee; + All as reluctant as well can be,-- + Five little boys for School! + _Master Green._ Holiday's over, there's no more fun! [_Groans._ + _Master Hodge._ Only just started! Wish I was done! [_Snivels._ + _Master Bung._ As for _me_, wish I'd never _begun_! [_Howls._ + _The Five._ Five little boys for School! + _All_ (_shrinking_). Five little boys who, all unwary, + Entered old GLADSTONE'S big seminary, + Slaves to his Genius tutelary---- + _The Five_ (_suddenly demure, on catching sight of the Doctor_)-- + Five little boys "back to School!.!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DR. GLADSTONE AND HIS YOUNG +FRIENDS.] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF SOCIETY. II.--A LETTER OF ADVICE. + +_From Miss Belinda Bullion at Monte Carlo, to Miss Angelina Veaudor, +in Mayfair._ (_Being a Pendant to a celebrated Poem by Praed._) + +[Illustration] + + They tell me you've "landed" a lover + (Don't pout at the slang, dear, 'tis _chic_), + Before your first Season is over, + Before I have left you a week. + I learned the good news through my mother. + Who _is_ he? I wish I could guess. + If it's dear Lord FITZ-FRUMPINGTON'S brother, + My own ANGELINA, say "Yes." + + _Tres chere_, we know Fortune and Fashion + Are sensible girlhood's sole guides, + Smart maidenhood ridicules passion, + And sentiment calmly derides. + I gave you "Bel Ami" as token + That we were not victims of "glow;" + You gave me your vow--is it broken? + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + We vowed, dear, no matter at what age, + By Sentiment not to be hooked, + Or cheated by Love in a Cottage, + Or Shepherds enchantingly crook'd. + Too well, dear, _we_ know modern men's tone, + Of "briar" the pipes which _they_ blow. + Say, have you gone soft _a la_ SHENSTONE? + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + Remember the cynic romances + We read in that Devonshire glen! + We are not the slaves of girl-fancies, + We've learned far too much about Men! + 'Tis nice, with your head on his shoulder, + To whirl through the waltz with FRANK LOWE, + But should poor Adonis grow bolder, + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + You know without wealth and a carriage + Life's just a prolonged fit of spleen, + So don't let me mourn o'er your marriage + With any poor BROWN, JONES, or GREEN. + You swore mere romance should not thrill you, + Nor gold-less good looks make you glow; + And you will not go back on it--will you? + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + We're parted, but sympathy's fetter + Unites us, I'm sure of it, still. + I read your last laughable letter, + And see you are steering with skill. + True Love is all fiddlededee, love, + Full coffers count only, below. + If he's not what your husband should be, Love, + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + If he's over polite in his wooing, + If his heart is too plainly a-throb, + If he scarce seems aware what he's doing, + If he speaks with a blush or a sob; + If he is not "dead nuts" on his dinner, + If his voice or his spirits run low; + If he seems getting paler or thinner, + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + If he gives too much time to his Tennis, + Neglectful of dear L. S. D., + If he chatters of WHISTLER and Venice, + If he cares about Five o'clock Tea; + If he's not sometimes rude or capricious + (All swells who have money are so), + Such signs are extremely suspicious; + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + If he shows a contempt for "the City," + And drops little jeers about Jews, + If he talks of "the People" with pity, + Or rails at the Sweaters as "screws," + These things prove a "popular leaning," + And popular leanings are low; + Soft heart, and slack purse, are _their_ meaning-- + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + If he prates about Property's duties + In diction at all Gladstonese, + If he's down on Society Beauties, + If he has not a stare that can freeze; + If he does not abuse Foreign Powers, + And vote all philosophy slow, + If he's one of the time's "big Bow-wowers," + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + He must walk like a Cit in his glory, + Of Money the true modern test, + He must be--yes, of course, dear--a Tory, + (As _partis_ that party are best) + If he knows not the old Carlton's portal, + Then--unless you've a Duke for a beau-- + I beg you--for girls are but mortal-- + My own ANGELINA, say "No!" + + Don't bother about his extraction + Although there's a charm in good birth, + But Wealth yields life's sole satisfaction, + So find out, dear girl, _what he's worth_! + He may be but an oil-striking Yankee, + Eccentric in manners and dress, + But, if he has tin worth a "thankee," + My own ANGELINA, say "Yes!" + + * * * * * + +MISTER JACKY'S VADE MECUM FOR THE EASTER HOLIDAYS. + +_Question._ What is the chief object you wish to attain during the +Vacation? + +_Answer._ To have the best time possible under the most favourable +conditions. + +_Q._ Is the comfort of your relations and friends to be taken into +serious account in attaining this desirable end? + +_A._ Certainly not; the details to which you refer are unworthy of a +moment's consideration. + +_Q._ Have you any objection to upsetting all the household +arrangements on your arrival? + +_A._ Unquestionably no. If a morning performance commences at an hour +early enough to require luncheon to be discussed at 12:30, why the +_dejeuner a la fourchette_ (as the French would say) must be +partaken within half-an-hour of noon. In like manner, if an evening +representation begins at seven, the dinner-hour must be put back to +half-past five. + +_Q._ If these alterations cause any disturbance of your father's +habits, how would you deal with the matter? + +_A._ I would not deal with the matter at all. I would leave all purely +necessary explanations to my mother. + +_Q._ During the time of your vacation will you approve of any +dinner-parties? + +_A._ I have a rooted objection to such entertainments when the guests +are of my parents' selection. However, I have no objection to a few +fellows, say, like SMITH Major, or BROWN Minor, dropping in to supper +on a Sunday. + +_Q._ Assuming that the hour you mention is your parents' favourite +time for peace and quiet, does such an invasion suggest any +reflection? + +_A._ No. If my parents have become slow during my enforced absence +from home in the search of knowledge, it is time they should have the +benefit accruing from contact with my revivifying characteristics. + +_Q._ Supposing your father expostulates with you, and advances +the fact that you have received greater advantages than he himself +enjoyed--for instance, that you have been to Eton--what should you +reply? + +_A._ Practically nothing. However, in the cause of justice and truth, +it might be advisable to answer his statement of fact that "he had +never been to Eton" with the reply, "Anyone could see that." + +_Q._ If he complains that you do not rise until eleven, smoke +cigarettes in the dining-room before lunch, smash the grand piano in +the drawing-room, lame his favourite cob in the Row, and upset all his +documents in the study, what answer would you make? + +_A._ That you were not responsible for the training which he had taken +under his personal control. He must be satisfied with the broad result +of your bringing-up. + +_Q._ If he declares his intention of addressing the Superintendent of +your scholastic career on the matter, what would you do? + +_A._ Explain that your present position in the school, to which you +supposed you would have to reluctantly return, was lacking in the +element of popularity, and that any further move in the direction +of increased reduction in that element might possibly lead to your +expulsion. Deprecate personal objection to expulsion, but suggest +that such a course might, by preventing your getting employment in the +Church, Army, or Bar, lead to your being on your parents' hands for +life. + +_Q._ When the time has all but arrived for your return to school, what +should you do? + +_A._ Promptly catch the whooping-cough, the influenza, or measles. You +will then afford a sufficient reason for extending the length of your +vacation indefinitely. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TERRIBLE TURK. + +_Little Spinks._ "AH! ONCE I WAS AS INNOCENT AS A LITTLE CHILD! WHAT I +AM _NOW_, YOUR SEX HAS MADE ME!"] + + * * * * * + +NOBLE SELF-SACRIFICE. + +"The Duke of DEVONSHIRE has arranged to return from Monte Carlo +on Saturday," so said the _Morning Post_, "in order to address a +political meeting at Glasgow on April 14th." His Grace having torn +himself away from delightful Monte Carlo, will then attempt to turn +the tables on the _Liberales Gladstonienses_. But fancy renouncing +sunny Mount Charles--"O Charley Mount is a pleasant place," as sang +_Miles na Coppaleen_, who was, by the way, miles away from Monte +Carlo--with its azure sky, its deep blue sea, its verdant green-cloth +table land, its delightful _promenades a pied_, and its frisky +_gambols a la roulette_, where the sunset and sunrise are _rouge_, +and _noir_ is only "on the cards." Fancy renouncing these gay southern +delights to live a laborious day in dry, hard, northern Glasgow! +"O swallow, swallow, flying, flying South," how would you like to be +checked in your holiday-making airy career in order to be brought back +to the cold and cruel North? Such a self-sacrifice as this is indeed +memorable. + + * * * * * + +LOVE BY THE SEA. WIND N.E. BY E. + + "We do not speak as we pass by!" + But tears down trickle from our eye! + Alas! Our love remains untold---- + For each has got a thundering cold! + + * * * * * + +BOOKS THAT OUGHT TO APPEAR. + +_I Banish the Street Organs!_ By the Author of _I Forbid the Banns!_ + +_A Boy's Present._ (Birthday Book.) By the Author of _A Girl's Past_. + +No. 1 of _The Domestic Lyre_, as a Companion to _The Family +Storyteller_. + + * * * * * + +YET THEY LOOK SO INNOCENT!--In the Language of Flowers, what species +should always express untruths?--Li-lies. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 27._--The Lowther Arcade not +getting on so well as thought when projected. The Master Builder +been diligently at work, but result disappointing. On Friday he +got terribly snubbed by SPEAKER. Comes up to-day to make personal +explanation. That a bait at which House usually jumps; always ready to +be amused, or interested with scandal about Queen ELIZABETH and other +persons. These things usually promised by personal explanation. To-day +no flutter of excitement moved crowded House. JEMMY, approaching table +with most judicial air, received with mocking laughter, and ironical +cheers. Some difficulty in quite making out what he was at. Evidently +something to do with SQUIRE of MALWOOD; but SQUIRE so inextricably +mixed up with Supplementary Estimates, couldn't make out which +was which. JAMES pounded along in most ponderous style; SQUIRE +contemptuously replied; no one else inclined to join in conversation, +and the Master Builder gloomily resumed his seat. + +"Never mind," I said, not liking to see an old friend cast down; "Rome +wasn't built in a day, nor the Cave of Adullam excavated in a week. +These things grow. You must have patience, and the Lowther Arcade +will still flourish. Let me see, whom you have got? There's BARTLEY, +HANBURY, and TOMMY BOWLES. LOWE, forming his Cave, hadn't so many to +start with." + +"Yes," said the Master Builder, "that's all very well; but, fact is, +you can't reckon upon these fellows as being, so to speak, colonnades +in the Arcade. They are all on their own hook; fighting for their own +hand; won't take the lead from me; must go foraging for themselves. +HANBURY thinks he can boss a show better than most men. BARTLEY'S +obstreperous. TOMMY BOWLES would be all right if he were left to +himself, free from the companionship of designing men. He is young, +ingenuous, not wholly lost to a sense of regard for his pastors and +masters, lack of which is the curse of modern Youth. I believe TOMMY +respects me, and, only for the evil communications to which he is +subject on the back bench, would work loyally with me in establishing +the Arcade." + +There was unwonted moisture in the Master Builder's eye as he turned +round, and regarded the Member for King's Lynn what time he softly +whistled to himself the old Jacobite air, "_Tommy make Room for your +Uncle_." + +_Business done._--Vote of Censure moved by Prince ARTHUR; Government +majority runs up on division to 47; Ministerialists, fresh from +meeting at Foreign Office, agree that, on whole, have spent a happy +day. Debate spasmodically dull. Prince ARTHUR could not lift it out of +the rut, nor GRANDOLPH either. Only Mr. G. shone with effulgent light +through gloom of evening. Principal result of manoeuvre, beyond +giving fillip to majority, is that a day will be filched from meagre +holidays, and House must needs sit on Thursday. + +_Tuesday._--Mr. G. looked in in time to say a few words in reply to +Prince ARTHUR'S inquiries as to business arrangements. Later he came +back, and delivered excellent speech; brief, and direct to point. +House been talking all morning round Vote on Account. MACFARLANE done +Rule-of-three sum, to show how twelve hundred days are lost every week +by necessity imposed upon Members of coming down two hours in advance +to take their seats. Some disposition shown by practical Members to +argue question whether there could be twelve hundred days in any week, +even in Leap-Year. + +"I know I'm right," said MACFARLANE, and the sceptics, gazing +respectfully at his flowing beard, withdrew from controversy. + +House divided on Motion by LEGH to reduce Foreign Office Vote. +Ministerial majority run up at a jump to 225. Time by Westminster +clock, 6.10 P.M.; in twenty minutes, sitting will be suspended; Vote +must be through Committee to-day; TOMMY BOWLES (who hasn't made a +speech for a quarter of an hour) on his feet; sheafs of manuscript in +his hand; would certainly oblige to extent of twenty minutes; BARON +DE WORMS also has a few remarks to offer; probable length of Channel +Tunnel. Mr. G. interposes. "Mr. MELLOR," he said, addressing Chairman, +"I claim to have the question now put." + +Ringing cheers went up from Ministerialists. TOMMY resumed his seat; +gruefully glanced at notes. The Noble Baron saw in this manoeuvre +fresh proof that Mr. G. had sold himself to Germany; having completed +preparation for separation of the Empire on the side of the Irish +Channel, would immediately after, by medium of WATKIN'S Tunnel, place +what was left of the country at the mercy of a foreign foe. Meanwhile +Closure moved; what's more, carried on division by swingeing majority +of over a hundred. So Vote agreed to; Mr. G. gets off for short drive +before dressing for dinner. + +[Illustration: EASTER AT THE ZOO.] + +Earned a night's rest, and a longer Easter holiday than he has +allotted to himself and us. Older he gets, the younger he seems. His +work to-day should make the eight-hours' man blush. At bay in Downing +Street since twelve o'clock with two hostile deputations. Came from +Ulster and the City, resolved to beard Home-Rule Lion in his den. +Alone he met them; one down, the other come on; no interval of rest; +picked men from Ulster, Selected Captains from the City, surged around +table at which he sat. Hardly left him time to reply. Having politely +conducted Ulster to door, enter the City Fathers, fresh and eager for +fray. Told him over again in varied phrase how he was bringing country +to verge of ruin; listened with perfect courtesy, as if they'd been +discussing someone else--say, his next-door neighbour, SQUIRE of +MALWOOD and Junior Lord of Downing Street. Up again when last in list +of City speakers had concluded. Almost persuaded JOHN LUBBOCK to be +a Home-Ruler; then down to House, dealing with mass of correspondence +littering his table in room behind SPEAKER'S chair; alert on sound of +division-bell; comes in to move Closure; remembers that in long list +of speeches never made this particular one before; looks up PALGRAVE'S +_Handbook_; cons his lesson and declaims brief formula in deep rich +voice that lends touch of eloquence to its unadorned, remorseless +demand. All this, too, following on a day like yesterday, when two +other deputations stormed Downing Street; drew from him weighty reply; +followed, after hasty dinner, by a speech in the House on the eternal +Irish question, which GRANDOLPH rightly termed, "entrancing." + +"A Grand Old Man, indeed!" said PRINCE ARTHUR, talking over these +things to-night, when he should have been listening to TOMMY BOWLES, +who having at the morning sitting had his speech on Vote on Account +closured, delivered another at evening sitting on the question of the +Depreciation of Silver as it affects domestic architecture in China +and Peru. + +_Business done._--Vote on Account through Committee. + +_Thursday._--CAINE going about House this afternoon, his slim figure +bulging out at the pockets in mysterious fashion, "Brought your supper +with you?" I asked, lightly touching one of the excrescences that felt +like an imperial pint of ginger-beer (WHITE 1880). "You seem bursting +with broiled bones. All no use. No more all-night sittings _this_ side +of Easter." + +[Illustration: Portrait of a Member of Parliament examining the +Signatures to a Petition against the Local-Veto Bill, to see if they +are genuine or not. (_Vide_ Report of the Proceedings in the Commons, +March 28, which suggests that they are obtained in Public Houses.)] + +"No, my boy, you're wrong," said CAINE. "Fact is, I'm going off to +the country, and these protuberances you observe about my person are +phonograms. All labelled, you see," he said, taking out cylinders from +several pockets. "Here are a few remarks on Registration; that's my +Local-Veto Speech; and here is an entirely new view of the Home-Rule +question. If you like to come over to my house at Clapham--close by, +you know, busses every ten minutes--you shall have a night's thorough +enjoyment. Leave you in the room by yourself with the phonograph. Pop +in one of these cylinders; set the phonograph whizzing; and you'll +hear me on Local Veto. Take out cylinder, put in another, and you'll +know more about Home Rule in five minutes than you ever dreamt. +Can only let you have them for to-night. To-morrow they go down to +Yorkshire, and thro' Easter Recess I shall be delivering, at various +places, six speeches every night, I myself comfortably making holiday +in Wales." "Thank you," I said; "but, if you'll excuse me, I think +I'll go home and go to bed." In truth, a little depressed. Here's a +nice prospect for the holidays! Bad enough to have Members working off +at public meetings speeches that had been closured in Commons. But if +every man is, during the recess, to multiply himself by phonography, +the last state of this country will be worse than the first. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for Easter Holidays. Just escaped sitting +over Good Friday. Back next Thursday. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW "FOURTH PARTY." + +T. G. B-wl-s. Right Hon. J-m-s L-wth-r. G. C. B-rtl-y. R. W. H-nb-ry.] + + * * * * * + + +[Transcriber's Note: +Missing or illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +104, April 8, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 22671.txt or 22671.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/7/22671/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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