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diff --git a/22653.txt b/22653.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f5efaea --- /dev/null +++ b/22653.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2114 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, +April 28, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, April 28, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 17, 2007 [EBook #22653] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, APRIL 28, 1920 *** + + + + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + + +VOL. 158. + + + + +April 28, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +GENERAL DENIKIN is now in London. This is the first visit he has paid to +this country since his last assassination by the Bolshevists. + + * * * + +New proposals regarding telephone charges are expected as soon as the +Select Committee has reported. If the system of charging by time in +place of piece-work is adopted it will mean ruination to many +business-men. + + * * * + +The Swiss Government has issued orders that ex-monarchs may enter the +country without passports. It is required, however, that they should +take their places in the queue. + + * * * + +It is reported that a Londonderry man walked up to a Sinn Feiner the +other day and said, "Shoot me." We understand that the real reason why +the fellow was not accommodated was that he omitted to say "Please." The +best Sinn Feiners are very punctilious. + + * * * + +"The drinking of intoxicants," says an American prohibitionist, "causes +early death in ninety-five cases out of a hundred." Several Americans, +we are informed, have gallantly offered themselves for experimental +purposes. + + * * * + +"It is a scandal," says a contemporary, "that the clerks at Llanelly +should ask for twelve pounds fifteen shillings a week." But surely there +is no harm in asking. + + * * * + +According to a weekly paper not only is CONSTANCE BINNEY a famous screen +star, but she is also a first-class ukelele player. The latest reports +are that the news has been received quietly. + + * * * + +"If slightly cut before cooking, potatoes slip out of their skins +easily," says a home journal. This is better than frightening them out +of their skins by jumping out from behind a door and saying "Boo." + + * * * + +Mr. WILLIAM AIRD, the germ-proof man, has been giving demonstrations in +London. It is reported that last week a germ snapped at him and broke +off two of its teeth. + + * * * + +"In New York the other day," says a contemporary, "the sky kept +streaming silver sheen; mistlike lights pulsated in rapid flashes to the +apex and piled-up stars could be seen." The fact that New York can still +see things like this must be a sorry blow to the Prohibitionists. + + * * * + +"Working men have been hit very hard by the tyrannical Budget," +announces a morning paper. We too are in sympathy with those miners who +are now faced with only one bottle of champagne a day. + + * * * + +"These cotton boom profits," said the President of the Textile Institute +recently, "are abnormal and unhealthy." The Manchester man, however, who +recently came out with innumerable spots resembling half-crowns as the +result of the boom, declares that no inconvenience is suffered once the +dizziness has passed away. + + * * * + +From Bungay in Suffolk comes the news that a water-wagtail has built its +nest in a milk-can. We resolutely refrain from comment. + + * * * + +A youth recently arrested in Dublin was found not to have a revolver on +him. He is being detained for a medical examination. + + * * * + +A great many people are committing suicide, says the Vicar of St. +Mathew's, Portsmouth, because they have nothing to live for. We +disagree. _The Weekly Dispatch's_ accounts of the next world are well +worth staying alive for. + + * * * + +Airships under construction, declares Air-Commodore E. M. MAITLAND, will +make the passage to Australia in nine and a-half days. In tax-paying +circles it is said that the fashionable thing will be to start now and +let the airship overtake you if it can. + + * * * + +More than a million Americans, it is stated, are preparing to visit +Europe this summer. It is thought that there is at least a sporting +chance that some of them will be hoist with their own bacon. + + * * * + +"The man who does not know Latin," says the Dean of DURHAM, "is not +really educated." Several uneducated business men are said to have +written to the DEAN asking the Latin for what they think of the new +Budget. + + * * * + +At a recent wedding in Tyrone young men who had come to wish the bride +and bridegroom luck lit a fire against the door, blocked the chimney +with straw, broke the windows, threw water and cayenne-pepper on the +wedding-party and bombarded the house with stones for two hours. It is +just this joyous, care-free nature of the Irish that the stolid +Englishman will never learn to appreciate. + + * * * + +We understand that the man who tried to gain admission to the Zoo on +Sunday by making a noise like a Fellow of the Zoological Society was +detected in the act. + + * * * + +A person who recently attempted to commit suicide by lying down on the +Caledonian Railway line was found to have a razor in one pocket and a +bottle of laudanum in the other. The Company, we understand, strenuously +deny the necessity of these alternatives. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: _Lady_ (_to manager of Servants' + Registry_). "I WISH TO OBTAIN A NEW GOVERNESS." + + _Manager._ "WELL, MADAM, YOU REMEMBER WE SUPPLIED YOU + WITH ONE ONLY LAST WEEK, BUT, JUDGING BY THE REPORT WE + HAVE RECEIVED, WHAT YOU REALLY NEED IS A LION-TAMER."] + + * * * * * + +A Callous Crowd. + + "The christening ceremony was performed by Lady Maclay, + wife of the Shipping Controller. Thousands of people saw + her go down the slips, and cheers were raised as she + took the water without the slightest hitch." _Daily + News._ + +We gather from the expression, "without the slightest hitch," that not +one of the onlookers made any effort to save the lady. + + * * * * * + +THOUGHTS ON THE BUDGET. + +BY A PATRIOT. + + THIS twelvemonth at the grindstone I have ground, + Toiling to meet the toll of profiteers, + And now comes AUSTEN, budgeting around, + "Comes the blind Fury with the abhorred shears" + (MILTON), and leaves me naked as a poodle, + Shorn--to the buff--of my laborious boodle. + + I own it irks me little when he goes + For fancy weeds and wine of fizzy brands; + But I protest at parting through the nose + For what the meanest human life demands; + Nothing is sacred from his monstrous paw, + Not letters, no, nor even usquebaugh. + + That beverage, which invites to balmy sleep + (Guerdon of toil), is on the upward ramp; + My harmless doggerel--in itself so cheap-- + Despatched by post will want a larger stamp; + Nor have I any wives or children to + Abate the mulcting of my revenue. + + But if you tell me I am asked to bleed + For England; if, by being rudely tapped, + My modest increment may help at need + To spare some Office which would else be scrapped; + If my poor fleece of wool by heavy cropping + Can save the Civil Estimates from dropping;-- + + If I can keep in comfortable ease + But one superfluous Staff for one week's play; + If from my squalor I may hope to squeeze + The wherewithal to check for half a day + The untimely razing of a single Hut-- + 'Tis well; I will not even murmur "Tut." + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +A TRYING DAY IN MEDIAEVAL TIMES. + +THE public torturer hurried home in an irritable frame of mind. The day +had been for him one long round of annoyances. When he commenced his +duties that morning, already exasperated by the thought that if the +drought continued the produce of his tiny patch of ground would be +completely ruined, he was aggrieved to find that far more than his fair +share of a recently arrived batch of heretics had been allotted to him. +During the midday break for refreshments his dreamy assistant had +allowed the furnace to go out, bringing upon the torturer's own head a +severe censure for the consequent delay. In the afternoon, glancing +occasionally through the narrow window, he was mortified to see that the +promising rain-clouds, which might yet have saved his cabbages, were +dispersing; and then, to crown all, just as he was finishing for the day +he had caught hold of a pair of pincers a trifle too near the white-hot +end and seared his hand. + +As he approached the cottage which was enshrined in his heart by a +thousand sacred associations as home, the torturer strove to rise +superior to his worries. He whistled bravely as he crossed the threshold +and caressed his wife with his usual tenderness. Intuitively she divined +the bitterness of the mood which lay beneath the torturer's seeming +cheerfulness, but she stifled her curiosity like the wise little woman +she was and hastened to lay his supper before him. Through the progress +of the meal--prepared by her in the way the torturer loved so well--she +diverted him with her lively prattle. And at length, when she trod on +the dog and caused it to give out a long-drawn howl, she made such a +neat allusion to the Chamber and heretics that the torturer laughed till +the tears streamed down his cheeks. + +After the table was cleared the torturer's little blue-eyed girl came +toddling up to him for her usual half-hour's cuddle. It made a beautiful +picture--the little mite with her father's merry eyes and her mother's +rosebud mouth, sitting on the torturer's knee, her golden hair mingling +with his beard. And how her silvery laugh brightened the place as she +played her favourite game of stretching her rag doll on a toy model of a +rack. + +The sound of rain outside brought the torturer and his wife to the door. +As they stood side by side watching the downpour the last vestige of the +torturer's ill-humour passed away. This rain would mean a record year +for his cabbages, and would do wonders for his beans, which were already +a long way more forward than those of the executioner. + +He realised now that he had allowed the mishaps of the day to worry him +unduly. After all, his hand had suffered little more than a scorch and +no longer pained him, and, although the censure he had received in the +Chamber and the possible consequences had been very disquieting, yet he +was now able to assure himself and his wife that if henceforth he kept +his assistant from wool-gathering all would be well. + +Suddenly he fell back trembling from the threshold, his face blanched +with terror. A large rain-drop had splashed on his forehead, reminding +him abruptly that before coming home that evening he had neglected to +fill the water-dripping apparatus, which might be required at dawn for +the more obstinate of the heretics. + + * * * * * + +TALL TALK. + +THE fact that the Bishop-Elect of PRETORIA, the Rev. NEVILLE TALBOT, is +no less than six feet six inches high, surpassing his predecessor by two +inches, has been freely commented on in the Press. Anxious to ascertain +from leaders of public opinion the true significance of the appointment, +Mr. Punch has been at pains to collect their views. How divergent and +even contradictory they are may be gathered from the following +selection:-- + +Sir MARTIN CONWAY, the Apostle of Altitude, as he has been recently +denominated, welcomed the appointment of Bishop TALBOT as a good omen +for the campaign which he is so ably conducting. "Nothing," he remarks, +"has impressed me so much in the works of TENNYSON as the line, 'We +needs must love the highest when we see it.' Mountain or building or +man, it is all the same. I never felt so happy in all my travels in +South America as when I was in Patagonia, the home of tall men and the +giant sloth. At all costs we should recognise and cultivate the human +skyscraper." + +The Bishop of HEREFORD (Dr. HENSLEY HENSON) expressed the hope that the +appointment of bishops would not be governed solely by an anthropometric +standard. It would be a misfortune if the impression were created that +preferment to the episcopal bench was confined to High Churchmen. + +The Editor of _The Times_ declined to dogmatize on the subject. He +pointed out however that the average height of the Yugo-Slavs exceeded +that of the Welsh. The claims of small nations could not, of course, be +overlooked, but he considered it as little short of a calamity when a +Great Power had an undersized Prime Minister. Short men liked short +cuts, but, as BACON said, the shortest way is commonly the foulest. + +Dr. ROBERT BRIDGES (the Poet-Laureate) writes to say that, having given +special study to the hexameter, he was much interested to find that the +measure now in vogue amongst bishops was that of six feet and over. He +hoped to treat the subject exhaustively in his forthcoming treatise on +Ecclesiastical Prosody. + +Colonel L. C. AMERY, M.P., strongly deprecated the attempt to identify +excessive height with extreme efficiency. In the election to Fellowships +at All Souls no height limit was imposed. NAPOLEON and the late Lord +ROBERTS were both small men, and he believed that the remarkable +elusiveness displayed by Colonel LAWRENCE in the War was greatly +facilitated by his diminutive stature. The testimony of literature +throughout the ages was almost unanimous in its condemnation of giants. +He had never heard of a small ogre. On the subject of SHAKESPEARE'S +height he could not speak with assurance, but KEATS was only just over +five feet. Jumbomania, or the worship of mammoth dimensions, was a +modern disease. Far better was the philosophy crystallised in such +immortal sayings as "Love me little, love me long," and "Infinite riches +in a little room." + +Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY, M.P., observed that, man being an imitative animal +and bishops being regarded by many as good examples, there seemed to him +a serious danger of an epidemic of what he might call Brobdingnagitis. +Fortunately the results would not be immediately apparent, otherwise he +would be compelled to raise his tariff for cheap suits. A rise of six +inches in the average height of his customers would throw out all his +calculations and eat up the modest margin of profit which he now allowed +himself. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: A DISTURBER OF THE PEACE. + + ENTENTE POLICEMAN (_to Germany Militant_). "ARE YOU + GOING TO TAKE THAT STUFF OFF OR MUST I DO IT FOR YOU?"] + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: _Cafe Genius._ "THE FACT IS WE MAKE + OURSELVES TOO CHEAP. OF COURSE THE PUBLIC PAYS TO SEE + OUR PICTURES, BUT THE BLIGHTERS CAN COME AND SEE US FOR + NOTHING."] + + * * * * * + + "The weather of the week has been characteristic of the + month. A dawn breaks with a fair sunset."--_Scotch + Paper._ + +Of course this happens only very far North. + + * * * * * + +SAFETY PLAY. + +(_According to local legend, Whitby Abbey possesses a ghost which only +appears in a blaze of sunshine_). + + MEN there may be so immune from timidity + Never a spectre could fill them with fright, + Men who could keep their accustomed placidity + Were they to meet in the gloom of the night + Lady Hermione tramping the corridor, + Wicked Sir Guy with his fetters adrag, + Or a plebeian who shrieked something horrid or + Carried his head in a vanity bag. + + Not such am I. Every hair at the vertical, + I should resort to hysterical screams + Did a diaphanous Lady (or Sir) tickle + Me on the cheek in the midst of my dreams; + Yet when, at Yule, I hear people converse on all + Manner of spooks round the log in the grate, + Often I wish that I too had a personal + Psychic experience I could relate. + + I am a coward when midnight looms murkily, + But when the sunlight of noon's at its best + I could face calmly--I'd even say perkily-- + Nebulous figures as well as the rest; + So I'll to Whitby, and (on the hypothesis + That she'll obligingly come to me there) + Wait in its abbey (see text). By my troth, this is + Just such a ghost as I'm ready to dare. + + * * * * * + +MASCULINE MODES. + +BY BEAU BRUMMEL. + +THE news that the price of lounge suits will have risen to twenty-four +pounds by the autumn has created something of a sartorial panic in the +City and the West End. + +Famous old wardrobes are being broken up on all sides by owners anxious +to acquire fresh clothing before it is too late, whilst the small +properties thus created find eager tenants amongst those who cannot +afford a new outfit at all. + +Many tailors who have built new suits are beginning to dispose of them +on three or five year repairing leases, and possession of these may +sometimes be secured from the present occupiers on payment of a +substantial premium. + +Gentlemen possessing both town and country sets of suitings are in many +cases letting the latter in order to come up to London for the season, +whilst others are resorting to various economical artifices to meet the +crisis. Plus four golf knickers, let down, make admirable wedding +trousers for a short man, and many are the old college blazers dyed +black and doing duty as natty pea-jackets. + +In the City, of course, fustian and corduroys are almost the only wear, +and there is much divergence of opinion on the Stock Exchange as to the +best knot for spotted red neckerchiefs and the proper way of tying the +difficult little bow beneath the knees. + +In Parliament, where of course the old costly fashions have long been +out of vogue, the change is equally noticeable. Lord ROBERT CECIL, for +instance, habitually wears the white canvas suit in which Mr. AUGUSTUS +JOHN painted him; Lord BIRKENHEAD mounts the Woolsack in an old cassock, +which, as he points out, not only allows a very scanty attire underneath +it, but gives him particular confidence in elucidating St. Matthew; +while the PRIME MINISTER himself set off for San Remo in a simple set of +striped sackcloth dittos. Many Members are having their old pre-war +morning coats turned; Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL in machine-gun overalls, Mr. +MALLABY-DEELEY self-dressed, Sir EDWARD CARSON in a simple union suit, +are conspicuous figures, and Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY by a whimsical yet +thrifty fancy often attends the House in the humble attire of the Weaver +in _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. + +Even in the Welsh collieries it is becoming the habit to go down the +pits in rough home-spun, and reserving the top hat, morning coat and +check trousers for striking in. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: _Assistant._ "I'M AFRAID WE'RE RIGHT OUT + OF MOUSTACHE BRUSHES, SIR, BUT THAT'S AN EYEBROW BRUSH, + AND IT WOULD, I THINK, SERVE THE PURPOSE."] + + * * * * * + +"DENIKIN TIRED. + + LOOKING FOR A LITTLE HOUSE IN ENGLAND." + + _Evening Standard._ + +The gallant General is not the only one who is worn out with this +hopeless task. + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Cadman, head of the British Oil Department, + has left Birmingham for San Remo."--_Evening Paper._ + +Was this the last hope of restoring calm to the "troubled waters"? + + * * * * * + + "He has represented Lowestoft at St. Stephen's--one of + the most important fishing centres in the country--for + many years past." + + _Daily Paper._ + +The House of Commons seems to have been confused with Izaak Walton +Heath. + + * * * * * + +"LADIES' GOLF AT RANELAGH. + + Miss ---- played badly and tore up her card as well as + many other ladies of note." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +But it is hoped that this method of thinning out the competitors will +not be generally resorted to. + + * * * * * + +"MURAL TEACHING. + + Speaking at Manchester last night Lord Haldane advocated + a great and new national reform by enabling the + Universities to train the best teachers of their own + level to go out and do extra Mural teaching on a huge + scale." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +We gather that in our contemporary's opinion it is high time that our +Universities recognised "the writing on the wall." + + * * * * * + +A VANISHED SPECIES. + +THE great auk is but a memory; the bittern booms more rarely in our +eastern marshes; and now they tell me Brigadiers are extinct. Handsomest +and liveliest of our indigenous fauna, the bright beady eye, the flirt +of the trench coat-tail through the undergrowth, the glint of red +betwixt the boughs, the sudden piercing pipe--how well I knew them, how +often I have lain hidden in thickets and behind hedgerows to study them +more closely. How inquisitive the creature was, yet how seldom would it +feed from the hand. And now, it seems, they are gone. + +Vainly I rack my brains to envisage the manner of their passing. Is +there to be nothing left but silence and a shadow or a specimen in a +dusty case of glass preserved in creosol and stuffed with lime? Or did +not the Brigadiers rather, when they felt their last hour was upon them, +retire like the elephants of the jungle to some distant spot and shuffle +off the mortal coil in the midst of Salisbury Plain or (for so I still +picture it despite the ravages of a rude commercialism) the vast +solitude of Slough? + +Or it may be that they underwent some classic metamorphosis, translated +to a rainless paradise, where they dreamed of battalions for ever +inspected and the general salute eternally blown. + + "And there, they say, two bright and aged snakes + Who once were brigadiers of infantry + Bask in the sun." + +Anyhow, I cannot believe that ex-Brigadiers die. They only fade away. +Fade away, I think, like the Cheshire Cat in _Alice in Wonderland_, +leaving at the last not a grin but a scowl behind them. "_Brigadiers +will fade away_," I imagine, ran the instruction from the Army Council, +"_passing the vanishing point in the following order:--_ + + (1) _Spurs._ + (2) _Field Boots._ + (3) _Main body._ + (4) _Brass hat._ + (5) _Scowl._" + +But oh, how they will be missed, with their insatiable hunger for +replies! I remember one in particular, very fierce and black-moustached, +who used to pop up suddenly from behind a Loamshire hedge with an +enormous note-book in his hand and say to unhappy company commanders, +"The situation is so-and-so and so-and-so; now let me hear you give your +orders." And the Company-Commander, who would have liked to read through +_Infantry Training_ once or twice and then hold a sort of inter-allied +conference with his Platoon-Commander, putting the Company +Sergeant-Major in the chair, felt that after frightfulness of this kind +mere actual war would probably be child's-play. And yet they tell me he +was a pleasant enough fellow in the Mess, this Brigadier, and liked good +cooking. Now I come to think of it, he faded away before the War came to +an end. He faded away into a Major-General. + +How different from this sort was the type that could always be placated +by a glittering bayonet charge or a thoroughly smart salute! I remember +one of this kind who came charging across the landscape, his Staff +Captain at his heels, to a point where he saw a friend of mine +apparently lost in meditation and sloth. Unfortunately the great man's +horse betrayed him as he tried to jump a low hedge, and, when he had +clambered up again and arrived in a rather tumbled condition to ask +indignantly what had happened to the scouts, "They have established a +number of hidden observation posts," my friend replied, keeping his +presence of mind, "and are making an exact report of everything that +transpires on the enemy's front," and he waved his arm towards the scene +of the catastrophe. It was not thought necessary to examine their notes. + +In France Brigadiers were mainly divided into the sort that came round +the front line themselves, and the sort that sent the Brigade-major or +somebody else who had broken out into a frontal inflammation to do it +for them. It is difficult to say which _genus_ was the more alarming. + +The first was apt to exhibit its contempt for danger by strolling about +in perilous places for five minutes and leaving them to be shelled in +consequence for a week. + +The second sort was apt to issue orders depending for fulfilment on a +faulty map reference or a landmark which had been carelessly removed by +an H.E. shell. One of the most _intransigeant_ of this kind whom I +remember could always, however, be softened by souvenirs; a cast-off +Uhlan's lance or the rifle of a Bosch sniper went far to console him for +the barrenness of a patrol report. I feel sure he must have faded at +Slough. + +But it was in battle that their wild appetite for information was most +amazingly displayed. At moments when nobody knew where anybody else was +or whether the ground underneath him was likely to remain in that sector +more than a few moments or be detached and transferred to another, they +would send by telephone or by a runner wild messages for an exact +_resume_ of the situation. It was at such times, I think, that some of +those eminent war correspondents recently knighted would have done +yeoman service in the front line. I can imagine them telephoning +somewhat after this manner, in answer to the querulous voice:-- + + "All hell has broken loose in front of us. The earth + shivers as if a volcano is beneath our feet. The + pock-marked ridges in the distance are covered with the + advancing waves of field-grey forms. Our boys are going + up happily shouting and singing to the battle. Sorry, I + didn't quite catch what you said about being in touch on + the right. The brazen roar of the cannon is mingled with + the intermittent rattle of innumerable machine guns. Eh, + what? What?" + +Yes, I think the Brigadiers would have liked that. But, alas, it could +not be. And now they have gone, with their passion for questions, never +to return, or never till the next A.C.I. cancels the last. + + "And now no sacred staff shall break to blossom, + No choral salutation lure to light," + +as SWINBURNE put it; or + + "All the birds of the air fell a-sighin' and a-sobbin' + When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin," + +as No. 1 platoon of A Company used to sing. Ah, well. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +A COUNTRY NIGHT PIECE. + + THE darkness my footsteps were swathed in + Is drenched with a luminous spray; + For a chain's length the kerbstone is bathed in + A spindrift of silvery grey; + By the roadside is mistily glimmering + A wall phosphorescent with pearls, + All glancing and dancing and shimmering + Like star-dust that swirls. + + Where the high-road dips down to the dingle, + A coppice in arabesque gleams + Whose traceries melt and commingle, + Like ghost trees in moon-fretted streams, + As the tremulous glamour sweeps o'er it + And skirts the inscrutable sky; + Then, Fairyland flitting before it, + The car flashes by. + + * * * * * + +Sport in Ireland. + + "In a collision between his vehicle and a tramcar + yesterday a passenger was injured and removed to + hospital. + + For other Sporting News see Page 6." + + _Irish Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "----'S SIPPING AGENCY, LTD." + + _Le Reveil_ (_Beyrouth_). + +A popular establishment, we feel confident. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + + PAVLOVITIS. + + [It is announced that at a coming Charity + Ball there will be a dance to the music of + SAINT-SAeENS' _Le Cygne_. Our artist + anticipates the moment of the Dying Swan's + collapse.]] + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: _Host_ (_to friend who feels faint._) + "NOW, WHAT _YOU_ WANT IS A GOOD STIFF GLASS + OF"--(_suddenly remembering the Budget_)--"SODA!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TAKING OF TIMOTHY. + +TEA was over, a clearing was made of the articles of more fragile +virtue, and Timothy, entering in state, was off-loaded from his nurse's +arms into his mother's. + +"Isn't he looking sweet to-day?" said Suzanne. "It's really time we had +him photographed." + +"Why?" I asked. + +"Well, why do people as a rule get photographed?" + +"That," I said, "is a question I have often asked myself, but without +finding a satisfactory answer. What do you propose to do with the +copies?" + +"There are dozens of people who'll be only too glad to have them. Aunt +Caroline, for instance----" + +"Aunt Caroline one day took me into her confidence and showed me what +she called her scrap-heap. It was a big box full of photographs that had +been presented to her from time to time, and she calculated that if she +had had them all framed, as their donors had doubtless expected, it +would have cost her some hundreds of pounds. While her back was turned I +looked through the collection. Your photograph was there--and mine, +Suzanne." + +"Anyhow, we shall want one to keep ourselves. Think what a pleasure it +will be to him when he grows up to see what he looked like as a tiny +baby." + +I called to mind an ancestral album belonging to my own family that I +had carefully kept guarded from Suzanne precisely for the reason that it +contained various presentments of myself at early ages in +mirth-compelling garments and attitudes; but of course I could not now +urge that chamber of horrors in opposition to her demand. + +"Besides," she went on, "we needn't buy any copies at all if we don't +like them. Snapper and Klick are continually worrying me to have Baby +taken. Once a week regularly, ever since the announcement of his birth +appeared, they've rung me up to ask when he will give them a sitting. +Sometimes it's Snapper and sometimes it's Klick; I don't know which is +which, but one of them has adenoids. We can't do any harm by taking him +there, because they say in their circulars they present two copies free +and there's no obligation to purchase any." + +"I wonder how they make that pay?" + +"Oh," said Suzanne, "they keep the copyright, you know, and then when he +does anything famous they send it round to the illustrated papers, which +pay them no end of money for permission to reproduce it." + +"But by the time _he_ does anything famous," I objected, "won't this +photograph be a trifle out of date? Supposing, for instance, in twenty +or thirty years' time he marries a Movie Queen----" + +Just then the telephone-bell rang, and Suzanne, as is her wont, rushed +to answer it, dropping Timothy into my arms on the way. + +"Hello!" I heard her say. "Yes; speaking. Yes, I was just going to +write. Yes; that will do quite well. What? Yes, about eleven. Good-bye." + +"Not another appointment with the dressmaker?" I inquired. + +"No. Curiously enough it was Klick again--or Snapper--and his adenoids +are worse than ever; I suppose it's the damp weather gets into them. So +I said we'd take Baby to-morrow." + +"I don't quite see the connection," I said. "Besides, aren't they +catching?" + +"Now you're being funny again. Save that up for to-morrow." + +"What do you mean?" I asked in some alarm. "And why did you say _we'd_ +take Baby?" + +"Why, of course you've got to come too. You can always make him laugh +better than anyone else; it's your _metier_. And I do want his delicious +little dimples to come out." + +"Do I understand that I'm to go through my _repertoire_ in cold blood +and under the unsympathetic gaze of Messrs. Snapper and Klick? Suzanne, +it can't be done." + +"Oh, nonsense! You've only got to sing _Pop Goes the Weasel_ in a +falsetto voice and make one of those comic faces you do so well, and +he'll gurgle at once. Well, that's settled. We start at half-past ten +to-morrow." + +The coming ordeal so preyed upon my mind that I spent a most restless +night, during which, so Suzanne afterwards told me, I announced at +frequent intervals the popping of the weasel. The day dawned with a +steady drizzle of rain, and, after a poor attempt at breakfast, I +scoured the neighbourhood for a taxi. Having at last run one to earth, I +packed the expedition into it--Suzanne, Timothy, Timothy's nurse and +Barbara (who begged so hard to be allowed to "come and see Father make +faces at Baby" that Suzanne weakly consented). + +Arrived at our destination, Suzanne bade the driver wait. "We shall +never find another cab to take us home in this downpour," she said, "and +we shan't be kept long." + +We were ushered into the studio by a gentleman I now know to have been +Mr. Klick. He aroused my distrust at once by the fact that he did not +wear a velvet coat, and I pointed out this artistic deficiency in a +whisper to Suzanne. + +"Never mind," she whispered back; "we needn't buy any if they're not +good." + +Timothy, who had by now been put straight by his attendant, was +carefully placed on all-fours on a pile of cushions, which he promptly +proceeded to chew. Mr. Klick, on attempting to correct the pose, was +received with a hymn of hate that compelled him to bury his head hastily +in the camera-cloth, and Suzanne arranged the subject so that some of +his more recognisable features became visible. + +"Now then," she said to me, "make him smile." + +With a furtive glance at Mr. Klick, who fortunately was still playing +the ostrich, I essayed a well-tried "face" that had almost invariably +evoked a chuckle from Timothy, even when visitors were present. On this +occasion, however, it failed to produce anything more than a woebegone +pucker that foreshadowed something worse. Hastily I switched off into +another expression, but with no better result. + +"Go on, Father," encouraged Barbara, who had been taking a breathless +interest in these proceedings; "try your funny voice." + +Mr. Klick had emerged from cover and was standing expectantly with his +hand on the cap. + +Dear reader, have you ever been called upon to sing _Pop Goes the +Weasel_ in a falsetto voice before a fractious baby, a small but +intensely critical child, a stolidly contemptuous nurse, an agitated +mother and a gaping photographer, with the knowledge that success or +failure hangs upon your lips, and that all the time a diabolical machine +in the street below is scoring threepence against you every minute or +so? Of course you haven't; but possibly you may be able to enter into my +feelings in this hour of trial. With a prickly heat suffusing my whole +body and a melting sensation at the collar I struggled through the +wretched lyric once. Timothy regarded me first with scorn and then with +positive distaste. In desperation I squeaked it out again and yet again, +but each succeeding "pop" only registered another scowl on the face of +my offspring and another threepence on that of the cabman's clock. + +I was maddened now, and Suzanne sought to restrain me; but I shook her +off violently and went on again _da capo_, and was just giving vent for +about the seventeenth time to a particularly excruciating "pop" when the +door of the studio opened and a benevolent-looking old gentleman +entered. He gazed at us all in wonderment, and, overcome by mingled +shame and exhaustion, I sank into a chair and popped no more. + +"Ah, Mr. Snapper," said Mr. Klick, "we were just trying to get this +young gentleman amused." + +Mr. Snapper, who, I should imagine, was the adenoid victim, looked first +at me and next at Timothy, and then blew his nose vigorously. It was not +an ordinary blast, but had a peculiarly musical _timbre_, very much like +the note of a mouth-organ. It certainly attracted Timothy's attention, +for he at once looked round and the glimmer of a smile appeared upon his +tear-stained face. + +"That's it!" cried Barbara excitedly. "Do it again." + +"Oh, _please_ do," entreated Suzanne. + +Mr. Snapper, adenoids or no adenoids, was a sportsman. He quickly +understood what was required of him and blew his nose again and again. +And with each blow Timothy's smile became wider, the dimples grew +deeper, and Mr. Klick at the camera was pushing in and pulling out +plates for all he was worth. At last Mr. Snapper could blow no more, and +with profuse thanks we gathered ourselves, together and departed. On our +arrival home the cabman, fortunately, was induced to accept a cheque in +payment. + +The photographs have turned out a great success. One in particular, +which shows the first smile breaking through Timothy's tears, is of a +very happy character, and Mr. Snapper has asked and received permission +to send it to the illustrated Press under the title, "Sunshine and +Shower"; and Aunt Caroline has not only been given a copy, _but has had +it framed_. + +Now, when I am called upon to produce a laugh from Timothy, I no longer +make faces or "pop." I have discovered how to blow my nose like a +mouth-organ. It's trying work, but the effect is magical. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: "Y' EVER HAD A BARF, BILLY?" + + "YUS, I ONST FELL IN THE SERPENTINE."] + + * * * * * + +Redintegratio Amoris. + + "The Public is hereby notified that myself and my Wife + Millicent ---- is together again. I got hasty and + advertised her with no just cause. FITZ ----."--_West + Indian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "This telegram had been preceded by others, which were, + unfortunately, contrary to instructions at the Post + Office, delivered at this office, which was closed, and, + therefore, not opened."--_Irish Paper._ + +That, of course, would be so. + + * * * * * + + "At a meeting of the Child Study Society on Thursday, + April 29th, at 6 p.m., Sir A. E. Shipley, G.B.E., D.Sc., + F.R.S., will give a lecture, illustrated by lantern + slides, on biting insects and children." + + _British Medical Journal._ + +And we had always thought him such a kind man! + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: _Gloomy Artist._ "YES, I GAVE HER ALL MY + LAST YEAR'S SKETCHES FOR HER JUMBLE-SALE IN THE + EAST-END. TOLD HER TO GET RID OF THEM FOR ANYTHING SHE + LIKED--HALF-A-CROWN OR A COUPLE OF BOB----" (_Pauses for + exclamations of horror at the sacrifice._) + + _Friend._ "AND DID THEY SELL?"] + + * * * * * + +THE MINXIAD. + +(_Being the scenario of a modern doggerel Epic._) + + THE lady I choose for the theme of my lay + Is a portent "conspicuous even to-day," + For, though she was freely condemned and abhorred, + She was never suppressed and she can't be ignored. + + Her parents, most anxious to give a good time + To their children, if only they helped them to climb, + Unconsciously aiding the new Self-Expression + Left all from the start to their daughter's discretion. + + No nurse was allowed to rebuke her or warn her, + No governess put her to stand in a corner; + At six she revealed a peculiar joy + In the taste of old brandy, and dressed like a boy; + At eight she had read CASANOVA, CELLINI, + And driven a toasting-fork into a tweeny; + At ten she indited and published a story + Described by _The Leadenhall News_ as "too gory." + One governess after another was tried, + But none of them stopped and one suddenly died. + Then she went for a while to a wonderful school + Which was run on the plan of the late Mrs. BOOLE; + But no "ethical safeguards" could ever restrain + So impulsive a heart and so fertile a brain; + And a fire, for the kindling of which she was held + Responsible, led to her being expelled. + + On the strength of her fine pyromaniac rage + For a season or two she appeared on the stage; + Her dancing was crude and her voice was a blank, + But she carried it off by superlative swank, + And married a swarthy and elderly milli- + Onaire who was killed in an earthquake in Chile. + A militant during the Suffrage campaign, + In the War she adopted the cause of Sinn Fein, + And, according to credible witness, was seen + In the thick of the fighting at Easter, '16. + Escaping arrest by a dexterous dodge + She became a disciple of OLIVER LODGE, + Gave lectures on Swedish and Swiss callisthenics, + Eurhythmics (DALCROZE) and Ukrainian eugenics. + Last, married in haste to a Bolshevist don, + She dyed her hair green and was painted by JOHN, + Eloped with a squat anthropophagous Dago + And finds a fit home in Tierra del Fuego. + + * * * * * + +"TEMPERANCE WOMEN OF ALL LANDS. + + ONE PROPOSES KNEELING OUTSIDE HOUSE OF COMMONS." + + _"Star" Headlines._ + +We have read the article carefully, but the Member to whom this +Leap-Year proposal was made is not mentioned. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: IN A CUSHY CAUSE. + + OVER-SHORN SHEEP. "OH, SO _THAT'S_ WHERE IT GOES TO, IS + IT?"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, April 19th._--Primrose day in the House of Commons was more +honoured in the breach than the observance. Barely a dozen Members +sported Lord BEACONFIELD'S favourite flower (for salads), and one of +them found himself so uncomfortably conspicuous that shortly after the +proceedings opened he furtively transferred his buttonhole to his +coat-pocket. Among those who remained faithful were Lord LAMBOURNE (in +the Peers' Gallery), who had for this occasion substituted a posy of +primroses for his usual picotee, and, quaintly enough, Mr. HOGGE, who +had not hitherto been suspected of Disraelian sympathies. + + [Illustration: + + "A primrose by a river's brim + A yellow primrose was to him + And it was nothing more." + + "Mr. HOGGE had not hitherto been suspected of Disraelian + sympathies."] + +For a Budget-day the attendance was smaller than usual. But it was large +enough to prevent Mr. BILLING from securing his usual seat. The SPEAKER, +however, did not smile upon his suggestion that he should occupy one of +the vacant places on the Front Opposition Bench, and curtly informed him +that there was plenty of room in the Gallery. Thither Mr. BILLING betook +himself, and thence he addressed a question which Mr. HOPE, the Minister +concerned, was unable to catch, his ears not being attuned to sounds +from that altitude. + +Otherwise Question-time was chiefly remarkable for the loud and +continued burst of cheering from the Coalition benches which greeted Mr. +WILL THORNE'S suggestion (_a propos_ of LENIN'S industrial conscription) +that "it would be a very good thing to make all the idlers in this +country work." Mr. THORNE seemed quite embarrassed by the popularity of +his proposal, which did not, however, appear to arouse the same +enthusiasm among his colleagues of the Labour Party. + +It was four o'clock when Mr. CHAMBERLAIN rose to "open the Budget" (he +clings to that old-fashioned phrase), and just after six when he +completed a speech which Mr. ASQUITH (himself an ex-Chancellor of the +Exchequer) justly praised for its lucidity and comprehensiveness. + +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN could not on this occasion congratulate himself (as his +predecessors were wont to do) on the accuracy of his forecasts. He had +two shots last year, in Spring and Autumn, but both times was many +millions out in his calculations. Fortunately all the mistakes were on +the right side, and he came out with a surplus of one hundred and +sixty-four millions (about as much as the whole revenue of the country +when first he went to the Exchequer) to devote to the redemption of +debt. + +But that did not content him. For an hour by the clock he piled up the +burdens on the taxpayer. His arguments were not always consistent. It is +not quite easy to see why, because ladies have taken to smoking +cigarettes, an extra heavy duty should be imposed on imported cigars; or +how the appearance of "a new class of champagne-drinkers" justifies a +further tax upon the humble consumer of "dinner-claret." + +Nor is it easy to follow the process of reasoning by which the +CHANCELLOR convinced himself that the Excess Profits Tax, which last +year he described as a great deterrent to enterprise and industry, only, +justifiable as "a temporary measure," should now be not merely continued +but increased by fifty per cent. + + [Illustration: _Mr. CHAMBERLAIN._ "I DON'T CARE WHAT + ANYBODY SAYS ABOUT THIS BLOOMING TREE (I USE THE EPITHET + IN ITS LITERAL SENSE); I SHALL LET IT KEEP ON FOR + ANOTHER YEAR."] + +This proposal seemed to excite more hostility than any other. But the +single taxers were annoyed by the final disappearance of the Land Values +Duties (the only original feature of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S epoch-making +first Budget). Mr. RAFFAN pictured their author being dragged at the +Tory chariot-wheels, and Dr. MURRAY observed that the land-taxes were +evidently not allowed "on the other side of the Rubicon." + +The general view was that the Government had shown courage in imposing +fresh taxation, but would have saved themselves and the country a great +deal of trouble if they had been equally bold in reducing expenditure. + +_Tuesday, April 20th._--When a local band at Cologne recently played the +"Wacht am Rhein" the British officers present stood up, on the ground +(as they explained to a surprised German) that _they_ were now the Watch +on the Rhine. But are they? According to Colonel BURN the Army of the +Rhine is now so short of men that it is compelled to employ German +civilians as batmen, clerks and even telephone-operators; and Mr. +CHURCHILL was fain to admit that it would not surprise him to hear that +"some assistance has been derived from the local population." + +The Carnarvonshire police are peeved because they are not allowed to +belong to any secret society except the Freemasons, and consequently are +debarred from membership of the Royal Ante-diluvian Order of Buffaloes. +Mr. SHORTT disclaimed responsibility, but it is expected that the Member +for the Carnarvon Boroughs, who is notoriously sympathetic to +Ante-diluvians (is not his motto _Apres moi le deluge_?), will take up +the matter on his return from San Remo. + +Having had time to consider the Budget proposals in detail Mr. ASQUITH +was less complimentary and more critical. Good-humoured chaff of the +PRIME MINISTER on the demise of the Land Values Duties before they had +yielded the "rare and refreshing fruits" promised ten years ago, was +followed by a reasoned condemnation of the proposed increase in the wine +duties, which he believed would diminish consumption and cause +international complications with our Allies. The CHANCELLOR, again, had +thought too much of revenue and too little of economy. He urged him--in +a magnificent mixture of metaphors--to cut away those parasitic +excrescences upon the normal administrative system of the country which +now constituted an open tap. + +_Wednesday, April 21st._--The abolition of the Guide-lecturer at Kew +Gardens was deplored by Lord SUDELEY and other Peers. But as, according +to Lord LEE, out of a million visitors last year only five hundred +listened to the Guide--an average of less than three per lecture--the +Government can hardly be blamed for saving a hundred pounds. +Retrenchment, after all, must begin somewhere. + +Sir DONALD MACLEAN cannot have heard of this signal example of +Government economy or he would not have denounced Ministers so +vehemently for their extravagance. His most specific charge was that in +Mesopotamia they were "spending money like water in looking for oil." + +In a further defence of the Budget proposals Mr. CHAMBERLAIN disclaimed +the notion that it was the duty of the Chancellor of the Exchequer to +denounce in the House the Estimates which he had approved in Cabinet. +His business was to find the money. Circumstances had altered his +attitude to the Excess Profits Duty, and he was now determined to stick +to it. Did not a cynic once say that nothing succeeds like excess? + +Mr. BARNES, who was loudly cheered on his return to the House, joined in +the cry for economy. "Some departments," he declared, "existed only +because they had existed." + +The country clergy are without doubt the most over-rated persons in the +country--I mean, of course, from a fiscal point of view. Consequently +the House gave a friendly reception to a Bill intended to relieve them +of some of their pecuniary burdens. + +_Thursday, April 22nd._--When Dr. MACNAMARA was Secretary to the +Admiralty no Minister was clearer or more direct in his answers. Now +that he has become Minister he has laid aside his quarter-deck manner +and adopted tones of whispering humbleness which hardly reach the Press +Gallery. + +He ought to take example fro Mr. STANTON, who never leaves the House in +doubt as to what he means. This afternoon, his purpose was to announce +that a certain "Trio" on the Opposition Benches was in league with the +forces of disorder. "Bolshies!" he shouted in a voice that frightened +the pigeons in Palace Yard. + +Later in the evening Mr. STANTON indicated that unless the salaries of +Members of Parliament were raised he should have seriously to consider +the question of returning to his old trade of a coal-hewer, at which I +gathered he could make much more money with an infinitely smaller +exertion of lung-power. + + [Illustration: "If, as appears to be the case, it is for + the moment more or less decently interred, its epitaph + should be not _Reguiescat_ but _Resurget_" (cheers). + + _Mr. ASQUITH on the Land Values Duties._] + +The vote for Agriculture and Fisheries was supported by Sir A. +GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN in a speech crammed full of miscellaneous information. +We learned that the Minister once smoked a pipe of Irish tobacco, and +said "Never Again"; that the slipper-limpet, formerly the terror of the +oyster-beds had now by the ingenuity of his Department been transformed +into a valuable source of poultry-food, and that the roundabout process +by which the Germans in bygone days imported eel-fry from the Severn for +their own rivers, and then exported the full-grown fish for the +delectation of East-end dinner-tables, had been done away with. In the +matter of eels this country is now self-supporting. + + * * * * * + + "The stock markets showed a good deal of uncertainty + this morning and dealers marked prices lower in many + cases to protect themselves against possible sales on + the Budget proposals, particularly the excess profits + duty and the corruption tax."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN omitted to mention the last-named impost, but no doubt +that was his artfulness. + + * * * * * + +LITTLE BITS OF LONDON. + +"THE BEAR-GARDEN." + +THE authors of the guide-books have signally failed to discover the +really interesting parts of Law-land. I have looked through several of +these works and not one of them refers, for example, to the +"Bear-Garden," which is the place where the preliminary skirmishes of +litigation are carried out. The Bear-Garden is the name given to it by +the legal profession, so I am quite in order in using the title. In +fact, if you want to get to it, you _have_ to use that title. The proper +title would be something like "the place where Masters in Chambers +function at half-past one;" but, if you go into the Law Courts and ask +one of the attendants where that is, he will say, rather pityingly, "Do +you mean the _Bear-Garden_?" and you will know at once that you have +lost caste. Caste is a thing you should be very careful of in these +days, so the best thing is to ask for the Bear-Garden straightaway. + +It is in the purlieus of the Law Courts and very hard to find. It is up +a lot of very dingy back-staircases and down a lot of very dingy +passages. The Law Courts are like all our public buildings. The parts +where the public is allowed to go are fairly respectable, if not +beautiful, but the purlieus and the basements and the upper floors are +scenes of unimaginable dinginess and decay. The Law Courts' purlieus are +worse than the Houses of Parliament's purlieus, and it seems to me that +even more disgraceful things are done in them. It only shows you the +danger of Nationalisation. + +On the way to the Bear-Garden you pass the King's Remembrancer's This is +the man who reminds HIS MAJESTY about people's birthdays; and in a large +family like that he must be kept busy. Not far from the King's +Remembrancer there is a Commissioner for Oaths; you can go into his room +and have a really good swear for about half-a-crown. This is cheaper +than having it in the street--that is, if you are a gentleman; for by +the Profane Oaths Act, 1745, swearing and cursing are punishable by a +fine of one shilling for every day-labourer, soldier or seaman; two +shillings for every other person under the degree of a gentleman; and +five shillings for every person of or above the degree of a gentleman. +This is not generally known. The Commissioner of Oaths is a very +broad-minded man, and there is literally no limit to what you may swear +before him. The only thing is that he insists on your filing it before +you actually say it. This may cause delay; so that if you are feeling +particularly strongly about anything it is probably better to have it +out in the street and risk being taken for a gentleman. + +There are a number of other interesting functionaries on the way to the +Bear-Garden; but we must get on. When you have wandered about in the +purlieus for a long time you will hear a tremendous noise, a sort of +combined snarling and roaring and legal conversation. When you hear +that, you will know that you are very near the bears. They are all +snarling and roaring in a large preliminary arena, where the bears +prepare themselves for the struggle; all round it are smaller cages or +arenae, where the struggles take place. If possible you ought to go +early, so that you can watch the animals massing. Lawyers, as I have had +occasion to observe before, are the most long-suffering profession in +the country, and the things they do in the Bear-Garden they have to do +in the luncheon-hour, or rather in the luncheon half-hour, between +half-past one and two. + +This accounts perhaps for the extreme frenzy of the proceedings. They +hurry in a frenzy up the back-stairs about 1.25, and they pace up and +down in a frenzy till half-past one. There are all sorts of bears, most +of them rather seedy old bears, with shaggy and unkempt coats. These are +solicitors' clerks, and they all come straight out of DICKENS. They have +shiny little private-school handbags, each inherited, no doubt, through +a long line of ancestral solicitors' clerks; and they all have the +draggled sort of moustache that tells you when it is going to rain. +While they are pacing up and down the arena they all try to get rid of +these moustaches by pulling violently at alternate ends; but the only +result is to make it look more like rain than ever. + +Some of the bears are robust old bears, with well-kept coats and loud +roars; these are solicitors' clerks too, only better fed; or else they +are real solicitors. And a few of the bears are perky young +creatures--in barrister's robes, either for the first time, when they +look very self-conscious, or for the second time, when they look very +self-confident. All the bears are telling each other about their cases. +They are saying, "We are a deceased wife's sister suing _in forma +pauperis_," or "I am a discharged bankrupt, three times convicted of +perjury, but I am claiming damages under the Diseases of Pigs Act, +1862," or "You are the crew of a merchant-ship and we are the editor of +a newspaper." Just at first it is rather disturbing to hear snatches of +conversation like that, but there is no real cause for alarm; they are +only identifying themselves with the interests of their clients; and, +when one realises that, one is rather touched. + +At long last one of the keepers at the entrance to the small cages +begins to shout very loudly. It is not at all clear what he is shouting, +but apparently it is the pet-names of the bears, for there is a wild +rush for the various cages. Across the middle of the cage a stout +barricade has been erected, and behind the barricade sits the Master, +pale but defiant. Masters in Chambers are barristers who have not got +proper legal faces, and have had to give up being ordinary barristers on +that account; in the obscurity and excitement of the Bear-Garden nobody +notices that their faces are all wrong. The two chief bears rush at the +Master and the other bears jostle round them, egging them on. When they +see that they cannot get at the Master they begin snarling. One of them +snarls quietly out of a long document about the Statement of Claim. He +throws a copy of this at the Master, and the Master tries to get the +hang of it while the bear is snarling; but the other bear is by now +beside himself with rage, and he begins putting in what are called +interlocutory snarls, so that the Master gets terribly confused, though +he doesn't let on. + +By-and-by all pretence of formality and order is put aside and the +battle really begins. At this stage of the proceedings the rule is that +no fewer than two of the protagonists must be roaring at the same time, +of which one must be the Master. But the more general practice is for +all three of them to roar at the same time. Sometimes, it is true, by +sheer roar-power the Master succeeds in silencing one of the bears for a +moment, but he can never be said to succeed in cowing a bear. If anybody +is cowed it is the Master. Meanwhile the lesser bears press closer and +closer, pulling at the damp ends of their rainy moustaches and making +whispered suggestions for new devilries in the ears of the chief bears, +who nod their heads emphatically but don't pay any attention. + +The final stage is the stage of physical violence, when the chief bears +lean over the barricade and shake their paws at the Master; they think +they are only making legal gestures, but the Master knows very well that +they are getting out of hand; he knows then that it is time he threw +them a bun. So he says a soothing word to each of them and runs his pen +savagely through almost everything on their papers. The bears growl in +stupefaction and rage, and take deep breaths to begin again. But +meanwhile the keeper has shouted for a fresh set of bears, who surge +wildly into the room. The old bears are swept aside and creep out, +grunting. What the result of it all is I don't know. Nobody knows. But +the new bears---- + + [EDITOR.--I am much bored with this. + + AUTHOR.--Oh, very well.] + + A. P. H. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: _Mistress._ "AT TWO O'CLOCK THIS MORNING, + MARY, WE WERE WAKENED BY LOUD KNOCKING, AND YOUR MASTER + WENT DOWN AND FOUND IT WAS A POLICEMAN, WHO TOLD HIM THE + PANTRY WINDOW WAS OPEN." + + _Mary._ "OH, 'E DID, DID 'E? 'AD 'E RED 'AIR? I'LL LARN + 'M TO GO 'AMMERIN' AT DECENT PEOPLE'S DOOR IN THE MIDDLE + OF THE NIGHT JUST BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GO TO THE PICTURES + WITH 'IM LAST FRIDAY. IMPERENCE!"] + + * * * * * + +From the directions on an omnibus ticket:-- + + "Passengers are requested not to stand on top of the Bus + back seats for smoking." + +This is a thing we never do. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MARY ROSE." + +OF course nobody could possibly suspect Sir JAMES BARRIE of plagiarising +(save from himself), yet it will explain something of the atmosphere of +_Mary Rose_ if I say that it is a story with such a theme as that +admirable ghostmonger, the Provost of Eton, would whole-heartedly +approve--thrilling, sinister, inconclusive--with (shall I say?) just a +dash of Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE in his other-worldly mood to bring it +well into the movement. Naturally the variations are sheer BARRIE and of +the most adroit. + + [Illustration: THE BOY WHO WOULD GROW UP FASTER THAN HIS + MOTHER. + + _Mary Rose_ . . . MISS FAY COMPTON. + _Harry_ . . . . MR. ROBERT LORAINE.] + +_Mary Rose_ is in fact a girl who couldn't grow up, because whenever she +visited a little mystery island in the Outer Hebrides "they" who lived +in a "lovely, lovely, lovely" vague world beyond these voices would call +her vaguely (to Mr. NORMAN O'NEILL'S charming music), and she would as +vaguely return with no memory of what had passed and no change in her +physical condition. This didn't matter so much when, as a mere child, +she disappeared for thirty days; but when, mother of an incomparable +heir of two, she was rapt away in the middle of a picnic for twenty-five +years, and returned to find a husband, mother and father inexplicably +old and changed, and dreadfully silent about her babe--well, you see for +yourself how hopeless everything was. As if there were not enough real +tragedy in the world and it were necessary to invent! + +I don't think it fair to tell you any more. You shouldn't suffer these +thrills at second-hand. But I can say that, in spite of making it a +point of professional honour to try to keep a warm spine and check the +unbidden tear from trickling down my nose (which makes you look such an +ass before a cynical colleague during the intervals), I was beaten in +both attempts. The "effects" were astonishingly well contrived by both +author and producer (Mr. HOLMAN CLARK). You were not let down at the +supreme moment by a hurried shuffle of dimly seen forms or the click of +an electrician's gear suggesting too solid flesh. The house was in a +queer way stunned by the poignancy of the last scene between the young +ghost-mother and the long-sought unrecognised son, and had to shake +itself before it could reward with due applause the fine playing of as +perfect a cast as I have seen for a long time. There's no manner of +doubt that Sir JAMES "got it over" (as they say) all right. + +Miss FAY COMPTON makes astonishing strides. Her _Mary Rose_ had adorable +shy movements, caresses, intonations, wistfulnesses. These were traits +of _Mary Rose_, not tricks of Miss COMPTON. And they escaped +monotony--supreme achievement in the difficult circumstances. Mr. ROBERT +LORAINE in the doubled _roles_ of _Mary Rose's_ husband and son, showed +a very fine skill in his differentiation of the husband's character in +three phases of time and development, and of the son's, with its family +likeness and individual variation. Mr. ERNEST THESIGER, who seems to +touch nothing he does not adorn, gave a fine rendering of as charming a +character as ever came out of the BARRIE box--the superstitious, +learned, courteous crofter's son, student of Aberdeen University, +temporary boatman and (later) minister. He did his best incidentally, by +rowing away without casting off, to corroborate the local legend that +the queer little island sometimes disappeared. Miss MARY JERROLD was +just the perfect BARRIE mother (of _Mary Rose_). Mr. ARTHUR WHITBY'S +parson, Mr. NORMAN FORBES' squire, Miss JEAN CADELL'S housekeeper, left +no chinks in their armour for a critic's spleenful arrow. + + T. + + * * * * * + + "It was one of those perfect June nights that so seldom + occur except in August." + + ---- _Magazine._ + +The result of Daylight-saving, no doubt. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: THE AGE OF UNREST. + + GRANDMAMMA, WHO HAS BEEN THWARTED, GOES ON + HUNGER-STRIKE.] + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: SHOCK OF A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW + WHEN HE PERCEIVES THAT HIS RESCUER IS A PUSSYFOOT.] + + * * * * * + +THE CONNOISSEUR. + + No more to bits of china (though I love it), + To coloured prints no more my fancy roams, + Or all the works of art I used to covet + In other people's homes. + + Old first editions, Sheffield plate and brasses, + Weapons of CROMWELL'S time and coats of mail, + Gate-tables, QUEEN ANNE chairs and aught that passes + For craft of CHIPPENDALE-- + + Such things no more I spend my hard-earned cash on + (Fain though the spirit be, the purse is weak); + Yet strong within me burns the ruling passion + For anything antique. + + To haunt the sales for "finds" no more my job is; + I've found at length, to satisfy my bent, + A wider sphere for this my last of hobbies, + Which costs me not a cent; + + Where I can see my friends possess the treasure + Their souls desire, nor envy them for that; + My game's to scan my fellow-man at leisure + Divested of his hat; + + Among my own coevals, whom at last Time + Is taking by the locks at forty-nine, + Searching (a quaint but inexpensive pastime) + For balder heads than mine. + + * * * * * + +HINTS ON ADVERTISING. + +IN the belief that the numerous signs and notices, such as those +containing warnings and advice to the public, with which the eye is so +familiar, might be employed as suitable _media_ for commercial +advertisement, the following suggestions are offered for what they are +worth:-- + + =LIFT NOT WORKING.= + + When you walk upstairs + be sure your boots are + shod with PUSSYFOOT + Rubber Heels. + + * * * + + =TO STOP THE TRAIN PULL + DOWN THE CORD.= + + Then light a NAVY LIST Cigarette. + + That alone is worth the L5. + + * * * + + =STICK NO BILLS.= + + It's not your job. + + Let STIKKOTINE do it. + + Sticks anything. + + * * * + + =THIS RACK IS PROVIDED FOR + LIGHT ARTICLES ONLY.= + + If your baby is a GLOXO baby + keep it on your knee. + + GLOXO builds _bulky_ bairns. + + * * * + + =KEEP OFF THE GRASS.= + + Unless you are wearing + GUMBOODLE'S + Goloshes. + Won't wet feet. + + * * * + + =BEWARE OF THE DOG.= + + Wait till he hears + HIS MASTER'S VOICE. + + * * * + + =YOU MAY TELEPHONE FROM HERE.= + + Ring up your newsagent and order + your DAILY WAIL. + + Billion Sale. + Order it now. + CHU CHIN CHOW. + + * * * * * + + "CHARLES ---- + + This week, DRIVEN FROM HOME. Next week, AT SEA." + + _Daily Paper._ + +Surely this pitiable case ought to be brought to the attention of the +Actors' Benevolent Association. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: _Epicurean._ "AH, YOU LITTLE REALISE HOW + THESE APRIL SHOWERS BRING ON THE PEAS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I HAVE a mild grievance against that talented lady, Miss MARJORIE BOWEN, +for labelling her latest novel "a romantic fantasy." Because, like all +her other stories, _The Cheats_ (COLLINS) moves with such an air of +truth, its personages are so human, that I could delightfully persuade +myself that it was all true, and that I had really shared, with a +sometimes quickened pulse, the strange fortunes of the sombre young +hero. But--fantasy! That is to show the strings and give away the whole +game. However, if you can forget that, the coils of an admirably woven +intrigue will grip your attention and sympathy throughout. The central +figure is one _Jaques_, who comes to town as a penniless and love-lorn +romantic, to be confronted with the revelation that he is himself the +eldest son, unacknowledged but legitimate, of His Majesty KING CHARLES +THE SECOND, then holding Court at Whitehall. It is from the plots and +counter-plots, the machinations and subterfuges that follow that Miss +BOWEN justifies her title. Certainly _The Cheats_ establishes her in my +mind as our first writer of historical fiction. The character-drawing is +admirable (especially of poor weak-willed vacillating _Jaques_, a +wonderfully observed study of the STUART temperament). More than ever, +also, Miss BOWEN might here be said to write her descriptions with a +paint-brush; the whole tale goes by in a series of glowing pictures, +most richly coloured. _The Cheats_ is not a merry book; its treatment of +the foolish heroine in particular abates nothing of grim justice; but of +its art there can be no two opinions. I wish again that I had been +allowed to believe in it. + +It must be unusual in war for a commander-in-chief to be regarded by his +opponents with the respect and admiration that the British forces in +East Africa felt towards VON LETTOW-VORBECK; from General SMUTS, who +congratulated him on his Order "Pour le Merite," down to the British +Tommy who promised to salute him "if ever 'e's copped." The fact that +VON LETTOW held out from August, 1914, till after the Armistice with a +small force mainly composed of native askaris, and with hardly any +assistance from overseas, is proof in itself of his organizing ability, +his military leadership and his indomitable determination. As these are +qualities which are valued by his late enemies his story of the +campaign, _My Reminiscences of East Africa_ (HURST AND BLACKETT), should +appeal to a large public, especially as it is written on the whole in a +sporting spirit and not without some sense of humour. His descriptions +of the natural difficulties of the country and the methods he adopted +for handling them are interesting and instructive. But in military +matters his story is not altogether convincing; for if his "victories" +were as "decisive" as he represents them how is it that they were +followed almost invariably by retirement? The results are attributed in +these pages to "slight mischances" or "unfavourable conditions" or +merely to "pressure of circumstances." Would it not have been better, +while he was about it, to claim boldly that he was luring us on? This is +a question on which one naturally refers to the maps, and it is +therefore all the more regrettable that these contain no scale of +mileage, an omission which renders them almost meaningless. How many +readers, for instance, will realise that German East Africa was almost +twice the size of Germany? The translation on the whole is good, though +some phrases such as "the at times barely sufficient ration" are rather +too redolent of the Fatherland. + + * * * * * + +I see that on the title-page of his latest story Mr. W. E. NORRIS is +credited with having already written two others (specified by name), +etc. Much virtue in that "etc." I cannot therefore regard _The Triumphs +of Sara_ (HUTCHINSON) precisely as the work of a beginner, though it has +a freshness and sense of enjoyment about it that might well belong to a +first book rather than to--I doubt whether even Mr. NORRIS himself could +say offhand what its number is. _Sara_ and her circle are eminently +characteristic of their creator. You have here the same well-bred +well-to-do persons, pleasantly true to their decorous type, retaining +always, despite modernity of clothes and circumstance, a gentle aroma of +late Victorianism. Perhaps _Sara_ is the most immediate of Mr. NORRIS'S +heroines so far. Her money-bags had been filled in Manchester, and from +time to time in her history you are reminded of this circumstance. It +explains much; though hardly her marriage with _Euan Leppington_, whose +attraction apparently lay in being one of the few males of her +acquaintance whom _Sara_ did not find it fatally easy to bring to heel. +Anyhow, after marriage she quickly grew bored to death of him; so much +so that it required an attempt (badly bungled) by another woman to get +_Euan_ to elope with her, and a providential collapse of the very +unwilling Lothario, to bring about that happy ending that my experience +of kind Mr. NORRIS has taught me to expect. I may add that he has never +done anything more quietly entertaining than the frustrated elopement; +the luncheon scene at the Metropole, Brighton, between the angry but +amused _Sara_ and a husband incapacitated by rage, remorse and chill, is +an especially well-handled little comedy of manners. + + * * * * * + +Sir JULIAN CORBETT, in writing the first volume of _Naval Operations_ +(LONGMANS), has carried the semi-official history of the War at sea only +as far as the Battle of the Falklands; but if the other three or four +volumes--the number is still uncertain--are to be as full of romance as +this the complete work will be a library of adventure in itself. Hardly +ever turning aside to praise or blame, he says with almost unqualified +baldness a multitude of astounding things--things we half knew, or +guessed, or longed to have explained, or dared not whisper, or, most of +all, never dreamt of. Here is a gold-mine for the makers of boys' books +of all future generations to quarry in. Think, for instance, of the +liner _Ortega_ shaking off a German cruiser by bolting into an uncharted +tide-race near the Horn; or the _Southport_, left for disabled by her +captors, crawling two thousand miles to safety with only half an engine; +or the triumphant raider _Karlsruhe_, her pursuers baffled, full to the +hatches with captured luxuries, bands playing, flags flying, suddenly +blown up in mid-Atlantic. The game of hide-and-seek, as played by the +_Emden_ and her like, naturally figures very largely in a volume which +HENTY could hardly have bettered. The author's veracious narrative, +leaving all picturesque detail to the imagination, gets home every time +by the sheer weight of its material. The War in Home waters is no less +fascinatingly reconstructed, and the case of maps contains in itself +living epics for all who study them with understanding. + + * * * * * + +In writing her second book Miss HILDA M. SHARP has allowed herself what +is, I suspect, the lady novelist's greatest treat, the extraordinary +achievement of using the first person singular and making it masculine. +She has done it very well too, and I am happy to recall that, in another +place, I was among the many who prophesied good concerning her future +when she made her _debut_ as a novelist with _The Stars in their +Courses_ in Mr. FISHER UNWIN'S "First Novel Library." _A Pawn in Pawn_ +comes very properly from the same publisher. It has one of those plots +which it is most particularly a reviewer's business, in the reader's own +interest, not to reveal, but it is permissible to explain that the +"pawn" of the title is a little girl adopted from an orphanage, where, +as someone says, "the orphans aren't really orphans," by _Julian +Tarrant_, whom a select circle acknowledged as the greatest poet that +the last years of the nineteenth century produced. Miss SHARP earns my +special admiration by getting through the inevitable description of the +beginning of the Great War in fewer words than anybody whose attempt I +have yet encountered, and steers throughout a pleasant course midway +between a "bestseller" and a "high-brow." _Lydia_, the "pawn," is very +charming, but quite possibly so, and though, of course, she must marry +one of the three men interested in her adoption Miss SHARP will probably +keep most of her readers, as she did me, in doubt as to which it is to +be until quite the end of the book. I think that he may prove an +acquired taste with most readers; but directly I found that he was apt +to quote the reviews in _Punch_ I realised that he was a man of +discrimination and deserved his good luck. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: "PROPER FED UP WIV YOU, I AM. CRY, CRY, + CRY ALL DAY LONG. I'D 'IT YER OVER THE 'EAD WIV THE + BOTTLE IF I WOS A MODERN WOMAN."] + + * * * * * + +An Urgent Request. + + "---- CO-OPERATIVE SOCIETY, LTD. + + Members are requested to hand in their Share Pass Books + for Audit Purposes to the Head Office on or before AT + ONCE."--_Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Rev. ---- writes:--'I have a Cousin residing in the + Transvaal who has been living on three plates of + porridge made of ---- for five years, and is well and + strong on it.'"--_South African Paper._ + +It sounds very sustaining. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +158, April 28, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, APRIL 28, 1920 *** + +***** This file should be named 22653.txt or 22653.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/5/22653/ + +Produced by V. L. 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