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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158,
+April 28, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, April 28, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2007 [EBook #22653]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, APRIL 28, 1920 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+
+April 28, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+GENERAL DENIKIN is now in London. This is the first visit he has paid to
+this country since his last assassination by the Bolshevists.
+
+       * * *
+
+New proposals regarding telephone charges are expected as soon as the
+Select Committee has reported. If the system of charging by time in
+place of piece-work is adopted it will mean ruination to many
+business-men.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Swiss Government has issued orders that ex-monarchs may enter the
+country without passports. It is required, however, that they should
+take their places in the queue.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is reported that a Londonderry man walked up to a Sinn Feiner the
+other day and said, "Shoot me." We understand that the real reason why
+the fellow was not accommodated was that he omitted to say "Please." The
+best Sinn Feiners are very punctilious.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The drinking of intoxicants," says an American prohibitionist, "causes
+early death in ninety-five cases out of a hundred." Several Americans,
+we are informed, have gallantly offered themselves for experimental
+purposes.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is a scandal," says a contemporary, "that the clerks at Llanelly
+should ask for twelve pounds fifteen shillings a week." But surely there
+is no harm in asking.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to a weekly paper not only is CONSTANCE BINNEY a famous screen
+star, but she is also a first-class ukelele player. The latest reports
+are that the news has been received quietly.
+
+       * * *
+
+"If slightly cut before cooking, potatoes slip out of their skins
+easily," says a home journal. This is better than frightening them out
+of their skins by jumping out from behind a door and saying "Boo."
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. WILLIAM AIRD, the germ-proof man, has been giving demonstrations in
+London. It is reported that last week a germ snapped at him and broke
+off two of its teeth.
+
+       * * *
+
+"In New York the other day," says a contemporary, "the sky kept
+streaming silver sheen; mistlike lights pulsated in rapid flashes to the
+apex and piled-up stars could be seen." The fact that New York can still
+see things like this must be a sorry blow to the Prohibitionists.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Working men have been hit very hard by the tyrannical Budget,"
+announces a morning paper. We too are in sympathy with those miners who
+are now faced with only one bottle of champagne a day.
+
+       * * *
+
+"These cotton boom profits," said the President of the Textile Institute
+recently, "are abnormal and unhealthy." The Manchester man, however, who
+recently came out with innumerable spots resembling half-crowns as the
+result of the boom, declares that no inconvenience is suffered once the
+dizziness has passed away.
+
+       * * *
+
+From Bungay in Suffolk comes the news that a water-wagtail has built its
+nest in a milk-can. We resolutely refrain from comment.
+
+       * * *
+
+A youth recently arrested in Dublin was found not to have a revolver on
+him. He is being detained for a medical examination.
+
+       * * *
+
+A great many people are committing suicide, says the Vicar of St.
+Mathew's, Portsmouth, because they have nothing to live for. We
+disagree. _The Weekly Dispatch's_ accounts of the next world are well
+worth staying alive for.
+
+       * * *
+
+Airships under construction, declares Air-Commodore E. M. MAITLAND, will
+make the passage to Australia in nine and a-half days. In tax-paying
+circles it is said that the fashionable thing will be to start now and
+let the airship overtake you if it can.
+
+       * * *
+
+More than a million Americans, it is stated, are preparing to visit
+Europe this summer. It is thought that there is at least a sporting
+chance that some of them will be hoist with their own bacon.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The man who does not know Latin," says the Dean of DURHAM, "is not
+really educated." Several uneducated business men are said to have
+written to the DEAN asking the Latin for what they think of the new
+Budget.
+
+       * * *
+
+At a recent wedding in Tyrone young men who had come to wish the bride
+and bridegroom luck lit a fire against the door, blocked the chimney
+with straw, broke the windows, threw water and cayenne-pepper on the
+wedding-party and bombarded the house with stones for two hours. It is
+just this joyous, care-free nature of the Irish that the stolid
+Englishman will never learn to appreciate.
+
+       * * *
+
+We understand that the man who tried to gain admission to the Zoo on
+Sunday by making a noise like a Fellow of the Zoological Society was
+detected in the act.
+
+       * * *
+
+A person who recently attempted to commit suicide by lying down on the
+Caledonian Railway line was found to have a razor in one pocket and a
+bottle of laudanum in the other. The Company, we understand, strenuously
+deny the necessity of these alternatives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Lady_ (_to manager of Servants'
+    Registry_). "I WISH TO OBTAIN A NEW GOVERNESS."
+
+    _Manager._ "WELL, MADAM, YOU REMEMBER WE SUPPLIED YOU
+    WITH ONE ONLY LAST WEEK, BUT, JUDGING BY THE REPORT WE
+    HAVE RECEIVED, WHAT YOU REALLY NEED IS A LION-TAMER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Callous Crowd.
+
+    "The christening ceremony was performed by Lady Maclay,
+    wife of the Shipping Controller. Thousands of people saw
+    her go down the slips, and cheers were raised as she
+    took the water without the slightest hitch." _Daily
+    News._
+
+We gather from the expression, "without the slightest hitch," that not
+one of the onlookers made any effort to save the lady.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOUGHTS ON THE BUDGET.
+
+BY A PATRIOT.
+
+  THIS twelvemonth at the grindstone I have ground,
+    Toiling to meet the toll of profiteers,
+  And now comes AUSTEN, budgeting around,
+    "Comes the blind Fury with the abhorréd shears"
+  (MILTON), and leaves me naked as a poodle,
+  Shorn--to the buff--of my laborious boodle.
+
+  I own it irks me little when he goes
+    For fancy weeds and wine of fizzy brands;
+  But I protest at parting through the nose
+    For what the meanest human life demands;
+  Nothing is sacred from his monstrous paw,
+  Not letters, no, nor even usquebaugh.
+
+  That beverage, which invites to balmy sleep
+    (Guerdon of toil), is on the upward ramp;
+  My harmless doggerel--in itself so cheap--
+    Despatched by post will want a larger stamp;
+  Nor have I any wives or children to
+  Abate the mulcting of my revenue.
+
+  But if you tell me I am asked to bleed
+    For England; if, by being rudely tapped,
+  My modest increment may help at need
+    To spare some Office which would else be scrapped;
+  If my poor fleece of wool by heavy cropping
+  Can save the Civil Estimates from dropping;--
+
+  If I can keep in comfortable ease
+    But one superfluous Staff for one week's play;
+  If from my squalor I may hope to squeeze
+    The wherewithal to check for half a day
+  The untimely razing of a single Hut--
+  'Tis well; I will not even murmur "Tut."
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRYING DAY IN MEDIĆVAL TIMES.
+
+THE public torturer hurried home in an irritable frame of mind. The day
+had been for him one long round of annoyances. When he commenced his
+duties that morning, already exasperated by the thought that if the
+drought continued the produce of his tiny patch of ground would be
+completely ruined, he was aggrieved to find that far more than his fair
+share of a recently arrived batch of heretics had been allotted to him.
+During the midday break for refreshments his dreamy assistant had
+allowed the furnace to go out, bringing upon the torturer's own head a
+severe censure for the consequent delay. In the afternoon, glancing
+occasionally through the narrow window, he was mortified to see that the
+promising rain-clouds, which might yet have saved his cabbages, were
+dispersing; and then, to crown all, just as he was finishing for the day
+he had caught hold of a pair of pincers a trifle too near the white-hot
+end and seared his hand.
+
+As he approached the cottage which was enshrined in his heart by a
+thousand sacred associations as home, the torturer strove to rise
+superior to his worries. He whistled bravely as he crossed the threshold
+and caressed his wife with his usual tenderness. Intuitively she divined
+the bitterness of the mood which lay beneath the torturer's seeming
+cheerfulness, but she stifled her curiosity like the wise little woman
+she was and hastened to lay his supper before him. Through the progress
+of the meal--prepared by her in the way the torturer loved so well--she
+diverted him with her lively prattle. And at length, when she trod on
+the dog and caused it to give out a long-drawn howl, she made such a
+neat allusion to the Chamber and heretics that the torturer laughed till
+the tears streamed down his cheeks.
+
+After the table was cleared the torturer's little blue-eyed girl came
+toddling up to him for her usual half-hour's cuddle. It made a beautiful
+picture--the little mite with her father's merry eyes and her mother's
+rosebud mouth, sitting on the torturer's knee, her golden hair mingling
+with his beard. And how her silvery laugh brightened the place as she
+played her favourite game of stretching her rag doll on a toy model of a
+rack.
+
+The sound of rain outside brought the torturer and his wife to the door.
+As they stood side by side watching the downpour the last vestige of the
+torturer's ill-humour passed away. This rain would mean a record year
+for his cabbages, and would do wonders for his beans, which were already
+a long way more forward than those of the executioner.
+
+He realised now that he had allowed the mishaps of the day to worry him
+unduly. After all, his hand had suffered little more than a scorch and
+no longer pained him, and, although the censure he had received in the
+Chamber and the possible consequences had been very disquieting, yet he
+was now able to assure himself and his wife that if henceforth he kept
+his assistant from wool-gathering all would be well.
+
+Suddenly he fell back trembling from the threshold, his face blanched
+with terror. A large rain-drop had splashed on his forehead, reminding
+him abruptly that before coming home that evening he had neglected to
+fill the water-dripping apparatus, which might be required at dawn for
+the more obstinate of the heretics.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TALL TALK.
+
+THE fact that the Bishop-Elect of PRETORIA, the Rev. NEVILLE TALBOT, is
+no less than six feet six inches high, surpassing his predecessor by two
+inches, has been freely commented on in the Press. Anxious to ascertain
+from leaders of public opinion the true significance of the appointment,
+Mr. Punch has been at pains to collect their views. How divergent and
+even contradictory they are may be gathered from the following
+selection:--
+
+Sir MARTIN CONWAY, the Apostle of Altitude, as he has been recently
+denominated, welcomed the appointment of Bishop TALBOT as a good omen
+for the campaign which he is so ably conducting. "Nothing," he remarks,
+"has impressed me so much in the works of TENNYSON as the line, 'We
+needs must love the highest when we see it.' Mountain or building or
+man, it is all the same. I never felt so happy in all my travels in
+South America as when I was in Patagonia, the home of tall men and the
+giant sloth. At all costs we should recognise and cultivate the human
+skyscraper."
+
+The Bishop of HEREFORD (Dr. HENSLEY HENSON) expressed the hope that the
+appointment of bishops would not be governed solely by an anthropometric
+standard. It would be a misfortune if the impression were created that
+preferment to the episcopal bench was confined to High Churchmen.
+
+The Editor of _The Times_ declined to dogmatize on the subject. He
+pointed out however that the average height of the Yugo-Slavs exceeded
+that of the Welsh. The claims of small nations could not, of course, be
+overlooked, but he considered it as little short of a calamity when a
+Great Power had an undersized Prime Minister. Short men liked short
+cuts, but, as BACON said, the shortest way is commonly the foulest.
+
+Dr. ROBERT BRIDGES (the Poet-Laureate) writes to say that, having given
+special study to the hexameter, he was much interested to find that the
+measure now in vogue amongst bishops was that of six feet and over. He
+hoped to treat the subject exhaustively in his forthcoming treatise on
+Ecclesiastical Prosody.
+
+Colonel L. C. AMERY, M.P., strongly deprecated the attempt to identify
+excessive height with extreme efficiency. In the election to Fellowships
+at All Souls no height limit was imposed. NAPOLEON and the late Lord
+ROBERTS were both small men, and he believed that the remarkable
+elusiveness displayed by Colonel LAWRENCE in the War was greatly
+facilitated by his diminutive stature. The testimony of literature
+throughout the ages was almost unanimous in its condemnation of giants.
+He had never heard of a small ogre. On the subject of SHAKESPEARE'S
+height he could not speak with assurance, but KEATS was only just over
+five feet. Jumbomania, or the worship of mammoth dimensions, was a
+modern disease. Far better was the philosophy crystallised in such
+immortal sayings as "Love me little, love me long," and "Infinite riches
+in a little room."
+
+Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY, M.P., observed that, man being an imitative animal
+and bishops being regarded by many as good examples, there seemed to him
+a serious danger of an epidemic of what he might call Brobdingnagitis.
+Fortunately the results would not be immediately apparent, otherwise he
+would be compelled to raise his tariff for cheap suits. A rise of six
+inches in the average height of his customers would throw out all his
+calculations and eat up the modest margin of profit which he now allowed
+himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: A DISTURBER OF THE PEACE.
+
+    ENTENTE POLICEMAN (_to Germany Militant_). "ARE YOU
+    GOING TO TAKE THAT STUFF OFF OR MUST I DO IT FOR YOU?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Café Genius._ "THE FACT IS WE MAKE
+    OURSELVES TOO CHEAP. OF COURSE THE PUBLIC PAYS TO SEE
+    OUR PICTURES, BUT THE BLIGHTERS CAN COME AND SEE US FOR
+    NOTHING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The weather of the week has been characteristic of the
+    month. A dawn breaks with a fair sunset."--_Scotch
+    Paper._
+
+Of course this happens only very far North.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAFETY PLAY.
+
+(_According to local legend, Whitby Abbey possesses a ghost which only
+appears in a blaze of sunshine_).
+
+    MEN there may be so immune from timidity
+      Never a spectre could fill them with fright,
+    Men who could keep their accustomed placidity
+      Were they to meet in the gloom of the night
+    Lady Hermione tramping the corridor,
+      Wicked Sir Guy with his fetters adrag,
+    Or a plebeian who shrieked something horrid or
+      Carried his head in a vanity bag.
+
+    Not such am I. Every hair at the vertical,
+      I should resort to hysterical screams
+    Did a diaphanous Lady (or Sir) tickle
+      Me on the cheek in the midst of my dreams;
+    Yet when, at Yule, I hear people converse on all
+      Manner of spooks round the log in the grate,
+    Often I wish that I too had a personal
+      Psychic experience I could relate.
+
+    I am a coward when midnight looms murkily,
+      But when the sunlight of noon's at its best
+    I could face calmly--I'd even say perkily--
+      Nebulous figures as well as the rest;
+    So I'll to Whitby, and (on the hypothesis
+      That she'll obligingly come to me there)
+    Wait in its abbey (see text). By my troth, this is
+      Just such a ghost as I'm ready to dare.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASCULINE MODES.
+
+BY BEAU BRUMMEL.
+
+THE news that the price of lounge suits will have risen to twenty-four
+pounds by the autumn has created something of a sartorial panic in the
+City and the West End.
+
+Famous old wardrobes are being broken up on all sides by owners anxious
+to acquire fresh clothing before it is too late, whilst the small
+properties thus created find eager tenants amongst those who cannot
+afford a new outfit at all.
+
+Many tailors who have built new suits are beginning to dispose of them
+on three or five year repairing leases, and possession of these may
+sometimes be secured from the present occupiers on payment of a
+substantial premium.
+
+Gentlemen possessing both town and country sets of suitings are in many
+cases letting the latter in order to come up to London for the season,
+whilst others are resorting to various economical artifices to meet the
+crisis. Plus four golf knickers, let down, make admirable wedding
+trousers for a short man, and many are the old college blazers dyed
+black and doing duty as natty pea-jackets.
+
+In the City, of course, fustian and corduroys are almost the only wear,
+and there is much divergence of opinion on the Stock Exchange as to the
+best knot for spotted red neckerchiefs and the proper way of tying the
+difficult little bow beneath the knees.
+
+In Parliament, where of course the old costly fashions have long been
+out of vogue, the change is equally noticeable. Lord ROBERT CECIL, for
+instance, habitually wears the white canvas suit in which Mr. AUGUSTUS
+JOHN painted him; Lord BIRKENHEAD mounts the Woolsack in an old cassock,
+which, as he points out, not only allows a very scanty attire underneath
+it, but gives him particular confidence in elucidating St. Matthew;
+while the PRIME MINISTER himself set off for San Remo in a simple set of
+striped sackcloth dittos. Many Members are having their old pre-war
+morning coats turned; Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL in machine-gun overalls, Mr.
+MALLABY-DEELEY self-dressed, Sir EDWARD CARSON in a simple union suit,
+are conspicuous figures, and Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY by a whimsical yet
+thrifty fancy often attends the House in the humble attire of the Weaver
+in _A Midsummer Night's Dream_.
+
+Even in the Welsh collieries it is becoming the habit to go down the
+pits in rough home-spun, and reserving the top hat, morning coat and
+check trousers for striking in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Assistant._ "I'M AFRAID WE'RE RIGHT OUT
+    OF MOUSTACHE BRUSHES, SIR, BUT THAT'S AN EYEBROW BRUSH,
+    AND IT WOULD, I THINK, SERVE THE PURPOSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DENIKIN TIRED.
+
+    LOOKING FOR A LITTLE HOUSE IN ENGLAND."
+
+    _Evening Standard._
+
+The gallant General is not the only one who is worn out with this
+hopeless task.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir John Cadman, head of the British Oil Department,
+    has left Birmingham for San Remo."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Was this the last hope of restoring calm to the "troubled waters"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He has represented Lowestoft at St. Stephen's--one of
+    the most important fishing centres in the country--for
+    many years past."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+The House of Commons seems to have been confused with Izaak Walton
+Heath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LADIES' GOLF AT RANELAGH.
+
+    Miss ---- played badly and tore up her card as well as
+    many other ladies of note."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+But it is hoped that this method of thinning out the competitors will
+not be generally resorted to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MURAL TEACHING.
+
+    Speaking at Manchester last night Lord Haldane advocated
+    a great and new national reform by enabling the
+    Universities to train the best teachers of their own
+    level to go out and do extra Mural teaching on a huge
+    scale."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+We gather that in our contemporary's opinion it is high time that our
+Universities recognised "the writing on the wall."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VANISHED SPECIES.
+
+THE great auk is but a memory; the bittern booms more rarely in our
+eastern marshes; and now they tell me Brigadiers are extinct. Handsomest
+and liveliest of our indigenous fauna, the bright beady eye, the flirt
+of the trench coat-tail through the undergrowth, the glint of red
+betwixt the boughs, the sudden piercing pipe--how well I knew them, how
+often I have lain hidden in thickets and behind hedgerows to study them
+more closely. How inquisitive the creature was, yet how seldom would it
+feed from the hand. And now, it seems, they are gone.
+
+Vainly I rack my brains to envisage the manner of their passing. Is
+there to be nothing left but silence and a shadow or a specimen in a
+dusty case of glass preserved in creosol and stuffed with lime? Or did
+not the Brigadiers rather, when they felt their last hour was upon them,
+retire like the elephants of the jungle to some distant spot and shuffle
+off the mortal coil in the midst of Salisbury Plain or (for so I still
+picture it despite the ravages of a rude commercialism) the vast
+solitude of Slough?
+
+Or it may be that they underwent some classic metamorphosis, translated
+to a rainless paradise, where they dreamed of battalions for ever
+inspected and the general salute eternally blown.
+
+  "And there, they say, two bright and agéd snakes
+  Who once were brigadiers of infantry
+  Bask in the sun."
+
+Anyhow, I cannot believe that ex-Brigadiers die. They only fade away.
+Fade away, I think, like the Cheshire Cat in _Alice in Wonderland_,
+leaving at the last not a grin but a scowl behind them. "_Brigadiers
+will fade away_," I imagine, ran the instruction from the Army Council,
+"_passing the vanishing point in the following order:--_
+
+    (1) _Spurs._
+    (2) _Field Boots._
+    (3) _Main body._
+    (4) _Brass hat._
+    (5) _Scowl._"
+
+But oh, how they will be missed, with their insatiable hunger for
+replies! I remember one in particular, very fierce and black-moustached,
+who used to pop up suddenly from behind a Loamshire hedge with an
+enormous note-book in his hand and say to unhappy company commanders,
+"The situation is so-and-so and so-and-so; now let me hear you give your
+orders." And the Company-Commander, who would have liked to read through
+_Infantry Training_ once or twice and then hold a sort of inter-allied
+conference with his Platoon-Commander, putting the Company
+Sergeant-Major in the chair, felt that after frightfulness of this kind
+mere actual war would probably be child's-play. And yet they tell me he
+was a pleasant enough fellow in the Mess, this Brigadier, and liked good
+cooking. Now I come to think of it, he faded away before the War came to
+an end. He faded away into a Major-General.
+
+How different from this sort was the type that could always be placated
+by a glittering bayonet charge or a thoroughly smart salute! I remember
+one of this kind who came charging across the landscape, his Staff
+Captain at his heels, to a point where he saw a friend of mine
+apparently lost in meditation and sloth. Unfortunately the great man's
+horse betrayed him as he tried to jump a low hedge, and, when he had
+clambered up again and arrived in a rather tumbled condition to ask
+indignantly what had happened to the scouts, "They have established a
+number of hidden observation posts," my friend replied, keeping his
+presence of mind, "and are making an exact report of everything that
+transpires on the enemy's front," and he waved his arm towards the scene
+of the catastrophe. It was not thought necessary to examine their notes.
+
+In France Brigadiers were mainly divided into the sort that came round
+the front line themselves, and the sort that sent the Brigade-major or
+somebody else who had broken out into a frontal inflammation to do it
+for them. It is difficult to say which _genus_ was the more alarming.
+
+The first was apt to exhibit its contempt for danger by strolling about
+in perilous places for five minutes and leaving them to be shelled in
+consequence for a week.
+
+The second sort was apt to issue orders depending for fulfilment on a
+faulty map reference or a landmark which had been carelessly removed by
+an H.E. shell. One of the most _intransigeant_ of this kind whom I
+remember could always, however, be softened by souvenirs; a cast-off
+Uhlan's lance or the rifle of a Bosch sniper went far to console him for
+the barrenness of a patrol report. I feel sure he must have faded at
+Slough.
+
+But it was in battle that their wild appetite for information was most
+amazingly displayed. At moments when nobody knew where anybody else was
+or whether the ground underneath him was likely to remain in that sector
+more than a few moments or be detached and transferred to another, they
+would send by telephone or by a runner wild messages for an exact
+_résumé_ of the situation. It was at such times, I think, that some of
+those eminent war correspondents recently knighted would have done
+yeoman service in the front line. I can imagine them telephoning
+somewhat after this manner, in answer to the querulous voice:--
+
+    "All hell has broken loose in front of us. The earth
+    shivers as if a volcano is beneath our feet. The
+    pock-marked ridges in the distance are covered with the
+    advancing waves of field-grey forms. Our boys are going
+    up happily shouting and singing to the battle. Sorry, I
+    didn't quite catch what you said about being in touch on
+    the right. The brazen roar of the cannon is mingled with
+    the intermittent rattle of innumerable machine guns. Eh,
+    what? What?"
+
+Yes, I think the Brigadiers would have liked that. But, alas, it could
+not be. And now they have gone, with their passion for questions, never
+to return, or never till the next A.C.I. cancels the last.
+
+  "And now no sacred staff shall break to blossom,
+  No choral salutation lure to light,"
+
+as SWINBURNE put it; or
+
+  "All the birds of the air fell a-sighin' and a-sobbin'
+  When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin,"
+
+as No. 1 platoon of A Company used to sing. Ah, well.
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COUNTRY NIGHT PIECE.
+
+  THE darkness my footsteps were swathed in
+    Is drenched with a luminous spray;
+  For a chain's length the kerbstone is bathed in
+    A spindrift of silvery grey;
+  By the roadside is mistily glimmering
+    A wall phosphorescent with pearls,
+  All glancing and dancing and shimmering
+    Like star-dust that swirls.
+
+  Where the high-road dips down to the dingle,
+    A coppice in arabesque gleams
+  Whose traceries melt and commingle,
+    Like ghost trees in moon-fretted streams,
+  As the tremulous glamour sweeps o'er it
+    And skirts the inscrutable sky;
+  Then, Fairyland flitting before it,
+    The car flashes by.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sport in Ireland.
+
+    "In a collision between his vehicle and a tramcar
+    yesterday a passenger was injured and removed to
+    hospital.
+
+    For other Sporting News see Page 6."
+
+    _Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "----'S SIPPING AGENCY, LTD."
+
+    _Le Réveil_ (_Beyrouth_).
+
+A popular establishment, we feel confident.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+    PAVLOVITIS.
+
+      [It is announced that at a coming Charity
+      Ball there will be a dance to the music of
+      SAINT-SÄENS' _Le Cygne_. Our artist
+      anticipates the moment of the Dying Swan's
+      collapse.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Host_ (_to friend who feels faint._)
+    "NOW, WHAT _YOU_ WANT IS A GOOD STIFF GLASS
+    OF"--(_suddenly remembering the Budget_)--"SODA!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TAKING OF TIMOTHY.
+
+TEA was over, a clearing was made of the articles of more fragile
+virtue, and Timothy, entering in state, was off-loaded from his nurse's
+arms into his mother's.
+
+"Isn't he looking sweet to-day?" said Suzanne. "It's really time we had
+him photographed."
+
+"Why?" I asked.
+
+"Well, why do people as a rule get photographed?"
+
+"That," I said, "is a question I have often asked myself, but without
+finding a satisfactory answer. What do you propose to do with the
+copies?"
+
+"There are dozens of people who'll be only too glad to have them. Aunt
+Caroline, for instance----"
+
+"Aunt Caroline one day took me into her confidence and showed me what
+she called her scrap-heap. It was a big box full of photographs that had
+been presented to her from time to time, and she calculated that if she
+had had them all framed, as their donors had doubtless expected, it
+would have cost her some hundreds of pounds. While her back was turned I
+looked through the collection. Your photograph was there--and mine,
+Suzanne."
+
+"Anyhow, we shall want one to keep ourselves. Think what a pleasure it
+will be to him when he grows up to see what he looked like as a tiny
+baby."
+
+I called to mind an ancestral album belonging to my own family that I
+had carefully kept guarded from Suzanne precisely for the reason that it
+contained various presentments of myself at early ages in
+mirth-compelling garments and attitudes; but of course I could not now
+urge that chamber of horrors in opposition to her demand.
+
+"Besides," she went on, "we needn't buy any copies at all if we don't
+like them. Snapper and Klick are continually worrying me to have Baby
+taken. Once a week regularly, ever since the announcement of his birth
+appeared, they've rung me up to ask when he will give them a sitting.
+Sometimes it's Snapper and sometimes it's Klick; I don't know which is
+which, but one of them has adenoids. We can't do any harm by taking him
+there, because they say in their circulars they present two copies free
+and there's no obligation to purchase any."
+
+"I wonder how they make that pay?"
+
+"Oh," said Suzanne, "they keep the copyright, you know, and then when he
+does anything famous they send it round to the illustrated papers, which
+pay them no end of money for permission to reproduce it."
+
+"But by the time _he_ does anything famous," I objected, "won't this
+photograph be a trifle out of date? Supposing, for instance, in twenty
+or thirty years' time he marries a Movie Queen----"
+
+Just then the telephone-bell rang, and Suzanne, as is her wont, rushed
+to answer it, dropping Timothy into my arms on the way.
+
+"Hello!" I heard her say. "Yes; speaking. Yes, I was just going to
+write. Yes; that will do quite well. What? Yes, about eleven. Good-bye."
+
+"Not another appointment with the dressmaker?" I inquired.
+
+"No. Curiously enough it was Klick again--or Snapper--and his adenoids
+are worse than ever; I suppose it's the damp weather gets into them. So
+I said we'd take Baby to-morrow."
+
+"I don't quite see the connection," I said. "Besides, aren't they
+catching?"
+
+"Now you're being funny again. Save that up for to-morrow."
+
+"What do you mean?" I asked in some alarm. "And why did you say _we'd_
+take Baby?"
+
+"Why, of course you've got to come too. You can always make him laugh
+better than anyone else; it's your _métier_. And I do want his delicious
+little dimples to come out."
+
+"Do I understand that I'm to go through my _répertoire_ in cold blood
+and under the unsympathetic gaze of Messrs. Snapper and Klick? Suzanne,
+it can't be done."
+
+"Oh, nonsense! You've only got to sing _Pop Goes the Weasel_ in a
+falsetto voice and make one of those comic faces you do so well, and
+he'll gurgle at once. Well, that's settled. We start at half-past ten
+to-morrow."
+
+The coming ordeal so preyed upon my mind that I spent a most restless
+night, during which, so Suzanne afterwards told me, I announced at
+frequent intervals the popping of the weasel. The day dawned with a
+steady drizzle of rain, and, after a poor attempt at breakfast, I
+scoured the neighbourhood for a taxi. Having at last run one to earth, I
+packed the expedition into it--Suzanne, Timothy, Timothy's nurse and
+Barbara (who begged so hard to be allowed to "come and see Father make
+faces at Baby" that Suzanne weakly consented).
+
+Arrived at our destination, Suzanne bade the driver wait. "We shall
+never find another cab to take us home in this downpour," she said, "and
+we shan't be kept long."
+
+We were ushered into the studio by a gentleman I now know to have been
+Mr. Klick. He aroused my distrust at once by the fact that he did not
+wear a velvet coat, and I pointed out this artistic deficiency in a
+whisper to Suzanne.
+
+"Never mind," she whispered back; "we needn't buy any if they're not
+good."
+
+Timothy, who had by now been put straight by his attendant, was
+carefully placed on all-fours on a pile of cushions, which he promptly
+proceeded to chew. Mr. Klick, on attempting to correct the pose, was
+received with a hymn of hate that compelled him to bury his head hastily
+in the camera-cloth, and Suzanne arranged the subject so that some of
+his more recognisable features became visible.
+
+"Now then," she said to me, "make him smile."
+
+With a furtive glance at Mr. Klick, who fortunately was still playing
+the ostrich, I essayed a well-tried "face" that had almost invariably
+evoked a chuckle from Timothy, even when visitors were present. On this
+occasion, however, it failed to produce anything more than a woebegone
+pucker that foreshadowed something worse. Hastily I switched off into
+another expression, but with no better result.
+
+"Go on, Father," encouraged Barbara, who had been taking a breathless
+interest in these proceedings; "try your funny voice."
+
+Mr. Klick had emerged from cover and was standing expectantly with his
+hand on the cap.
+
+Dear reader, have you ever been called upon to sing _Pop Goes the
+Weasel_ in a falsetto voice before a fractious baby, a small but
+intensely critical child, a stolidly contemptuous nurse, an agitated
+mother and a gaping photographer, with the knowledge that success or
+failure hangs upon your lips, and that all the time a diabolical machine
+in the street below is scoring threepence against you every minute or
+so? Of course you haven't; but possibly you may be able to enter into my
+feelings in this hour of trial. With a prickly heat suffusing my whole
+body and a melting sensation at the collar I struggled through the
+wretched lyric once. Timothy regarded me first with scorn and then with
+positive distaste. In desperation I squeaked it out again and yet again,
+but each succeeding "pop" only registered another scowl on the face of
+my offspring and another threepence on that of the cabman's clock.
+
+I was maddened now, and Suzanne sought to restrain me; but I shook her
+off violently and went on again _da capo_, and was just giving vent for
+about the seventeenth time to a particularly excruciating "pop" when the
+door of the studio opened and a benevolent-looking old gentleman
+entered. He gazed at us all in wonderment, and, overcome by mingled
+shame and exhaustion, I sank into a chair and popped no more.
+
+"Ah, Mr. Snapper," said Mr. Klick, "we were just trying to get this
+young gentleman amused."
+
+Mr. Snapper, who, I should imagine, was the adenoid victim, looked first
+at me and next at Timothy, and then blew his nose vigorously. It was not
+an ordinary blast, but had a peculiarly musical _timbre_, very much like
+the note of a mouth-organ. It certainly attracted Timothy's attention,
+for he at once looked round and the glimmer of a smile appeared upon his
+tear-stained face.
+
+"That's it!" cried Barbara excitedly. "Do it again."
+
+"Oh, _please_ do," entreated Suzanne.
+
+Mr. Snapper, adenoids or no adenoids, was a sportsman. He quickly
+understood what was required of him and blew his nose again and again.
+And with each blow Timothy's smile became wider, the dimples grew
+deeper, and Mr. Klick at the camera was pushing in and pulling out
+plates for all he was worth. At last Mr. Snapper could blow no more, and
+with profuse thanks we gathered ourselves, together and departed. On our
+arrival home the cabman, fortunately, was induced to accept a cheque in
+payment.
+
+The photographs have turned out a great success. One in particular,
+which shows the first smile breaking through Timothy's tears, is of a
+very happy character, and Mr. Snapper has asked and received permission
+to send it to the illustrated Press under the title, "Sunshine and
+Shower"; and Aunt Caroline has not only been given a copy, _but has had
+it framed_.
+
+Now, when I am called upon to produce a laugh from Timothy, I no longer
+make faces or "pop." I have discovered how to blow my nose like a
+mouth-organ. It's trying work, but the effect is magical.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "Y' EVER HAD A BARF, BILLY?"
+
+    "YUS, I ONST FELL IN THE SERPENTINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Redintegratio Amoris.
+
+    "The Public is hereby notified that myself and my Wife
+    Millicent ---- is together again. I got hasty and
+    advertised her with no just cause. FITZ ----."--_West
+    Indian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This telegram had been preceded by others, which were,
+    unfortunately, contrary to instructions at the Post
+    Office, delivered at this office, which was closed, and,
+    therefore, not opened."--_Irish Paper._
+
+That, of course, would be so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At a meeting of the Child Study Society on Thursday,
+    April 29th, at 6 p.m., Sir A. E. Shipley, G.B.E., D.Sc.,
+    F.R.S., will give a lecture, illustrated by lantern
+    slides, on biting insects and children."
+
+    _British Medical Journal._
+
+And we had always thought him such a kind man!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Gloomy Artist._ "YES, I GAVE HER ALL MY
+    LAST YEAR'S SKETCHES FOR HER JUMBLE-SALE IN THE
+    EAST-END. TOLD HER TO GET RID OF THEM FOR ANYTHING SHE
+    LIKED--HALF-A-CROWN OR A COUPLE OF BOB----" (_Pauses for
+    exclamations of horror at the sacrifice._)
+
+    _Friend._ "AND DID THEY SELL?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MINXIAD.
+
+(_Being the scenario of a modern doggerel Epic._)
+
+  THE lady I choose for the theme of my lay
+  Is a portent "conspicuous even to-day,"
+  For, though she was freely condemned and abhorred,
+  She was never suppressed and she can't be ignored.
+
+  Her parents, most anxious to give a good time
+  To their children, if only they helped them to climb,
+  Unconsciously aiding the new Self-Expression
+  Left all from the start to their daughter's discretion.
+
+  No nurse was allowed to rebuke her or warn her,
+  No governess put her to stand in a corner;
+  At six she revealed a peculiar joy
+  In the taste of old brandy, and dressed like a boy;
+  At eight she had read CASANOVA, CELLINI,
+  And driven a toasting-fork into a tweeny;
+  At ten she indited and published a story
+  Described by _The Leadenhall News_ as "too gory."
+  One governess after another was tried,
+  But none of them stopped and one suddenly died.
+  Then she went for a while to a wonderful school
+  Which was run on the plan of the late Mrs. BOOLE;
+  But no "ethical safeguards" could ever restrain
+  So impulsive a heart and so fertile a brain;
+  And a fire, for the kindling of which she was held
+  Responsible, led to her being expelled.
+
+  On the strength of her fine pyromaniac rage
+  For a season or two she appeared on the stage;
+  Her dancing was crude and her voice was a blank,
+  But she carried it off by superlative swank,
+  And married a swarthy and elderly milli-
+  Onaire who was killed in an earthquake in Chile.
+  A militant during the Suffrage campaign,
+  In the War she adopted the cause of Sinn Fein,
+  And, according to credible witness, was seen
+  In the thick of the fighting at Easter, '16.
+  Escaping arrest by a dexterous dodge
+  She became a disciple of OLIVER LODGE,
+  Gave lectures on Swedish and Swiss callisthenics,
+  Eurhythmics (DALCROZE) and Ukrainian eugenics.
+  Last, married in haste to a Bolshevist don,
+  She dyed her hair green and was painted by JOHN,
+  Eloped with a squat anthropophagous Dago
+  And finds a fit home in Tierra del Fuego.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TEMPERANCE WOMEN OF ALL LANDS.
+
+    ONE PROPOSES KNEELING OUTSIDE HOUSE OF COMMONS."
+
+    _"Star" Headlines._
+
+We have read the article carefully, but the Member to whom this
+Leap-Year proposal was made is not mentioned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: IN A CUSHY CAUSE.
+
+    OVER-SHORN SHEEP. "OH, SO _THAT'S_ WHERE IT GOES TO, IS
+    IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 19th._--Primrose day in the House of Commons was more
+honoured in the breach than the observance. Barely a dozen Members
+sported Lord BEACONFIELD'S favourite flower (for salads), and one of
+them found himself so uncomfortably conspicuous that shortly after the
+proceedings opened he furtively transferred his buttonhole to his
+coat-pocket. Among those who remained faithful were Lord LAMBOURNE (in
+the Peers' Gallery), who had for this occasion substituted a posy of
+primroses for his usual picotee, and, quaintly enough, Mr. HOGGE, who
+had not hitherto been suspected of Disraelian sympathies.
+
+    [Illustration:
+
+      "A primrose by a river's brim
+      A yellow primrose was to him
+        And it was nothing more."
+
+    "Mr. HOGGE had not hitherto been suspected of Disraelian
+    sympathies."]
+
+For a Budget-day the attendance was smaller than usual. But it was large
+enough to prevent Mr. BILLING from securing his usual seat. The SPEAKER,
+however, did not smile upon his suggestion that he should occupy one of
+the vacant places on the Front Opposition Bench, and curtly informed him
+that there was plenty of room in the Gallery. Thither Mr. BILLING betook
+himself, and thence he addressed a question which Mr. HOPE, the Minister
+concerned, was unable to catch, his ears not being attuned to sounds
+from that altitude.
+
+Otherwise Question-time was chiefly remarkable for the loud and
+continued burst of cheering from the Coalition benches which greeted Mr.
+WILL THORNE'S suggestion (_ŕ propos_ of LENIN'S industrial conscription)
+that "it would be a very good thing to make all the idlers in this
+country work." Mr. THORNE seemed quite embarrassed by the popularity of
+his proposal, which did not, however, appear to arouse the same
+enthusiasm among his colleagues of the Labour Party.
+
+It was four o'clock when Mr. CHAMBERLAIN rose to "open the Budget" (he
+clings to that old-fashioned phrase), and just after six when he
+completed a speech which Mr. ASQUITH (himself an ex-Chancellor of the
+Exchequer) justly praised for its lucidity and comprehensiveness.
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN could not on this occasion congratulate himself (as his
+predecessors were wont to do) on the accuracy of his forecasts. He had
+two shots last year, in Spring and Autumn, but both times was many
+millions out in his calculations. Fortunately all the mistakes were on
+the right side, and he came out with a surplus of one hundred and
+sixty-four millions (about as much as the whole revenue of the country
+when first he went to the Exchequer) to devote to the redemption of
+debt.
+
+But that did not content him. For an hour by the clock he piled up the
+burdens on the taxpayer. His arguments were not always consistent. It is
+not quite easy to see why, because ladies have taken to smoking
+cigarettes, an extra heavy duty should be imposed on imported cigars; or
+how the appearance of "a new class of champagne-drinkers" justifies a
+further tax upon the humble consumer of "dinner-claret."
+
+Nor is it easy to follow the process of reasoning by which the
+CHANCELLOR convinced himself that the Excess Profits Tax, which last
+year he described as a great deterrent to enterprise and industry, only,
+justifiable as "a temporary measure," should now be not merely continued
+but increased by fifty per cent.
+
+    [Illustration: _Mr. CHAMBERLAIN._ "I DON'T CARE WHAT
+    ANYBODY SAYS ABOUT THIS BLOOMING TREE (I USE THE EPITHET
+    IN ITS LITERAL SENSE); I SHALL LET IT KEEP ON FOR
+    ANOTHER YEAR."]
+
+This proposal seemed to excite more hostility than any other. But the
+single taxers were annoyed by the final disappearance of the Land Values
+Duties (the only original feature of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S epoch-making
+first Budget). Mr. RAFFAN pictured their author being dragged at the
+Tory chariot-wheels, and Dr. MURRAY observed that the land-taxes were
+evidently not allowed "on the other side of the Rubicon."
+
+The general view was that the Government had shown courage in imposing
+fresh taxation, but would have saved themselves and the country a great
+deal of trouble if they had been equally bold in reducing expenditure.
+
+_Tuesday, April 20th._--When a local band at Cologne recently played the
+"Wacht am Rhein" the British officers present stood up, on the ground
+(as they explained to a surprised German) that _they_ were now the Watch
+on the Rhine. But are they? According to Colonel BURN the Army of the
+Rhine is now so short of men that it is compelled to employ German
+civilians as batmen, clerks and even telephone-operators; and Mr.
+CHURCHILL was fain to admit that it would not surprise him to hear that
+"some assistance has been derived from the local population."
+
+The Carnarvonshire police are peeved because they are not allowed to
+belong to any secret society except the Freemasons, and consequently are
+debarred from membership of the Royal Ante-diluvian Order of Buffaloes.
+Mr. SHORTT disclaimed responsibility, but it is expected that the Member
+for the Carnarvon Boroughs, who is notoriously sympathetic to
+Ante-diluvians (is not his motto _Aprčs moi le déluge_?), will take up
+the matter on his return from San Remo.
+
+Having had time to consider the Budget proposals in detail Mr. ASQUITH
+was less complimentary and more critical. Good-humoured chaff of the
+PRIME MINISTER on the demise of the Land Values Duties before they had
+yielded the "rare and refreshing fruits" promised ten years ago, was
+followed by a reasoned condemnation of the proposed increase in the wine
+duties, which he believed would diminish consumption and cause
+international complications with our Allies. The CHANCELLOR, again, had
+thought too much of revenue and too little of economy. He urged him--in
+a magnificent mixture of metaphors--to cut away those parasitic
+excrescences upon the normal administrative system of the country which
+now constituted an open tap.
+
+_Wednesday, April 21st._--The abolition of the Guide-lecturer at Kew
+Gardens was deplored by Lord SUDELEY and other Peers. But as, according
+to Lord LEE, out of a million visitors last year only five hundred
+listened to the Guide--an average of less than three per lecture--the
+Government can hardly be blamed for saving a hundred pounds.
+Retrenchment, after all, must begin somewhere.
+
+Sir DONALD MACLEAN cannot have heard of this signal example of
+Government economy or he would not have denounced Ministers so
+vehemently for their extravagance. His most specific charge was that in
+Mesopotamia they were "spending money like water in looking for oil."
+
+In a further defence of the Budget proposals Mr. CHAMBERLAIN disclaimed
+the notion that it was the duty of the Chancellor of the Exchequer to
+denounce in the House the Estimates which he had approved in Cabinet.
+His business was to find the money. Circumstances had altered his
+attitude to the Excess Profits Duty, and he was now determined to stick
+to it. Did not a cynic once say that nothing succeeds like excess?
+
+Mr. BARNES, who was loudly cheered on his return to the House, joined in
+the cry for economy. "Some departments," he declared, "existed only
+because they had existed."
+
+The country clergy are without doubt the most over-rated persons in the
+country--I mean, of course, from a fiscal point of view. Consequently
+the House gave a friendly reception to a Bill intended to relieve them
+of some of their pecuniary burdens.
+
+_Thursday, April 22nd._--When Dr. MACNAMARA was Secretary to the
+Admiralty no Minister was clearer or more direct in his answers. Now
+that he has become Minister he has laid aside his quarter-deck manner
+and adopted tones of whispering humbleness which hardly reach the Press
+Gallery.
+
+He ought to take example fro Mr. STANTON, who never leaves the House in
+doubt as to what he means. This afternoon, his purpose was to announce
+that a certain "Trio" on the Opposition Benches was in league with the
+forces of disorder. "Bolshies!" he shouted in a voice that frightened
+the pigeons in Palace Yard.
+
+Later in the evening Mr. STANTON indicated that unless the salaries of
+Members of Parliament were raised he should have seriously to consider
+the question of returning to his old trade of a coal-hewer, at which I
+gathered he could make much more money with an infinitely smaller
+exertion of lung-power.
+
+    [Illustration: "If, as appears to be the case, it is for
+    the moment more or less decently interred, its epitaph
+    should be not _Reguiescat_ but _Resurget_" (cheers).
+
+    _Mr. ASQUITH on the Land Values Duties._]
+
+The vote for Agriculture and Fisheries was supported by Sir A.
+GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN in a speech crammed full of miscellaneous information.
+We learned that the Minister once smoked a pipe of Irish tobacco, and
+said "Never Again"; that the slipper-limpet, formerly the terror of the
+oyster-beds had now by the ingenuity of his Department been transformed
+into a valuable source of poultry-food, and that the roundabout process
+by which the Germans in bygone days imported eel-fry from the Severn for
+their own rivers, and then exported the full-grown fish for the
+delectation of East-end dinner-tables, had been done away with. In the
+matter of eels this country is now self-supporting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The stock markets showed a good deal of uncertainty
+    this morning and dealers marked prices lower in many
+    cases to protect themselves against possible sales on
+    the Budget proposals, particularly the excess profits
+    duty and the corruption tax."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN omitted to mention the last-named impost, but no doubt
+that was his artfulness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.
+
+"THE BEAR-GARDEN."
+
+THE authors of the guide-books have signally failed to discover the
+really interesting parts of Law-land. I have looked through several of
+these works and not one of them refers, for example, to the
+"Bear-Garden," which is the place where the preliminary skirmishes of
+litigation are carried out. The Bear-Garden is the name given to it by
+the legal profession, so I am quite in order in using the title. In
+fact, if you want to get to it, you _have_ to use that title. The proper
+title would be something like "the place where Masters in Chambers
+function at half-past one;" but, if you go into the Law Courts and ask
+one of the attendants where that is, he will say, rather pityingly, "Do
+you mean the _Bear-Garden_?" and you will know at once that you have
+lost caste. Caste is a thing you should be very careful of in these
+days, so the best thing is to ask for the Bear-Garden straightaway.
+
+It is in the purlieus of the Law Courts and very hard to find. It is up
+a lot of very dingy back-staircases and down a lot of very dingy
+passages. The Law Courts are like all our public buildings. The parts
+where the public is allowed to go are fairly respectable, if not
+beautiful, but the purlieus and the basements and the upper floors are
+scenes of unimaginable dinginess and decay. The Law Courts' purlieus are
+worse than the Houses of Parliament's purlieus, and it seems to me that
+even more disgraceful things are done in them. It only shows you the
+danger of Nationalisation.
+
+On the way to the Bear-Garden you pass the King's Remembrancer's This is
+the man who reminds HIS MAJESTY about people's birthdays; and in a large
+family like that he must be kept busy. Not far from the King's
+Remembrancer there is a Commissioner for Oaths; you can go into his room
+and have a really good swear for about half-a-crown. This is cheaper
+than having it in the street--that is, if you are a gentleman; for by
+the Profane Oaths Act, 1745, swearing and cursing are punishable by a
+fine of one shilling for every day-labourer, soldier or seaman; two
+shillings for every other person under the degree of a gentleman; and
+five shillings for every person of or above the degree of a gentleman.
+This is not generally known. The Commissioner of Oaths is a very
+broad-minded man, and there is literally no limit to what you may swear
+before him. The only thing is that he insists on your filing it before
+you actually say it. This may cause delay; so that if you are feeling
+particularly strongly about anything it is probably better to have it
+out in the street and risk being taken for a gentleman.
+
+There are a number of other interesting functionaries on the way to the
+Bear-Garden; but we must get on. When you have wandered about in the
+purlieus for a long time you will hear a tremendous noise, a sort of
+combined snarling and roaring and legal conversation. When you hear
+that, you will know that you are very near the bears. They are all
+snarling and roaring in a large preliminary arena, where the bears
+prepare themselves for the struggle; all round it are smaller cages or
+arenć, where the struggles take place. If possible you ought to go
+early, so that you can watch the animals massing. Lawyers, as I have had
+occasion to observe before, are the most long-suffering profession in
+the country, and the things they do in the Bear-Garden they have to do
+in the luncheon-hour, or rather in the luncheon half-hour, between
+half-past one and two.
+
+This accounts perhaps for the extreme frenzy of the proceedings. They
+hurry in a frenzy up the back-stairs about 1.25, and they pace up and
+down in a frenzy till half-past one. There are all sorts of bears, most
+of them rather seedy old bears, with shaggy and unkempt coats. These are
+solicitors' clerks, and they all come straight out of DICKENS. They have
+shiny little private-school handbags, each inherited, no doubt, through
+a long line of ancestral solicitors' clerks; and they all have the
+draggled sort of moustache that tells you when it is going to rain.
+While they are pacing up and down the arena they all try to get rid of
+these moustaches by pulling violently at alternate ends; but the only
+result is to make it look more like rain than ever.
+
+Some of the bears are robust old bears, with well-kept coats and loud
+roars; these are solicitors' clerks too, only better fed; or else they
+are real solicitors. And a few of the bears are perky young
+creatures--in barrister's robes, either for the first time, when they
+look very self-conscious, or for the second time, when they look very
+self-confident. All the bears are telling each other about their cases.
+They are saying, "We are a deceased wife's sister suing _in forma
+pauperis_," or "I am a discharged bankrupt, three times convicted of
+perjury, but I am claiming damages under the Diseases of Pigs Act,
+1862," or "You are the crew of a merchant-ship and we are the editor of
+a newspaper." Just at first it is rather disturbing to hear snatches of
+conversation like that, but there is no real cause for alarm; they are
+only identifying themselves with the interests of their clients; and,
+when one realises that, one is rather touched.
+
+At long last one of the keepers at the entrance to the small cages
+begins to shout very loudly. It is not at all clear what he is shouting,
+but apparently it is the pet-names of the bears, for there is a wild
+rush for the various cages. Across the middle of the cage a stout
+barricade has been erected, and behind the barricade sits the Master,
+pale but defiant. Masters in Chambers are barristers who have not got
+proper legal faces, and have had to give up being ordinary barristers on
+that account; in the obscurity and excitement of the Bear-Garden nobody
+notices that their faces are all wrong. The two chief bears rush at the
+Master and the other bears jostle round them, egging them on. When they
+see that they cannot get at the Master they begin snarling. One of them
+snarls quietly out of a long document about the Statement of Claim. He
+throws a copy of this at the Master, and the Master tries to get the
+hang of it while the bear is snarling; but the other bear is by now
+beside himself with rage, and he begins putting in what are called
+interlocutory snarls, so that the Master gets terribly confused, though
+he doesn't let on.
+
+By-and-by all pretence of formality and order is put aside and the
+battle really begins. At this stage of the proceedings the rule is that
+no fewer than two of the protagonists must be roaring at the same time,
+of which one must be the Master. But the more general practice is for
+all three of them to roar at the same time. Sometimes, it is true, by
+sheer roar-power the Master succeeds in silencing one of the bears for a
+moment, but he can never be said to succeed in cowing a bear. If anybody
+is cowed it is the Master. Meanwhile the lesser bears press closer and
+closer, pulling at the damp ends of their rainy moustaches and making
+whispered suggestions for new devilries in the ears of the chief bears,
+who nod their heads emphatically but don't pay any attention.
+
+The final stage is the stage of physical violence, when the chief bears
+lean over the barricade and shake their paws at the Master; they think
+they are only making legal gestures, but the Master knows very well that
+they are getting out of hand; he knows then that it is time he threw
+them a bun. So he says a soothing word to each of them and runs his pen
+savagely through almost everything on their papers. The bears growl in
+stupefaction and rage, and take deep breaths to begin again. But
+meanwhile the keeper has shouted for a fresh set of bears, who surge
+wildly into the room. The old bears are swept aside and creep out,
+grunting. What the result of it all is I don't know. Nobody knows. But
+the new bears----
+
+    [EDITOR.--I am much bored with this.
+
+    AUTHOR.--Oh, very well.]
+
+    A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Mistress._ "AT TWO O'CLOCK THIS MORNING,
+    MARY, WE WERE WAKENED BY LOUD KNOCKING, AND YOUR MASTER
+    WENT DOWN AND FOUND IT WAS A POLICEMAN, WHO TOLD HIM THE
+    PANTRY WINDOW WAS OPEN."
+
+    _Mary._ "OH, 'E DID, DID 'E? 'AD 'E RED 'AIR? I'LL LARN
+    'M TO GO 'AMMERIN' AT DECENT PEOPLE'S DOOR IN THE MIDDLE
+    OF THE NIGHT JUST BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GO TO THE PICTURES
+    WITH 'IM LAST FRIDAY. IMPERENCE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the directions on an omnibus ticket:--
+
+    "Passengers are requested not to stand on top of the Bus
+    back seats for smoking."
+
+This is a thing we never do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"MARY ROSE."
+
+OF course nobody could possibly suspect Sir JAMES BARRIE of plagiarising
+(save from himself), yet it will explain something of the atmosphere of
+_Mary Rose_ if I say that it is a story with such a theme as that
+admirable ghostmonger, the Provost of Eton, would whole-heartedly
+approve--thrilling, sinister, inconclusive--with (shall I say?) just a
+dash of Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE in his other-worldly mood to bring it
+well into the movement. Naturally the variations are sheer BARRIE and of
+the most adroit.
+
+    [Illustration: THE BOY WHO WOULD GROW UP FASTER THAN HIS
+    MOTHER.
+
+    _Mary Rose_ . . . MISS FAY COMPTON.
+    _Harry_ . . . .   MR. ROBERT LORAINE.]
+
+_Mary Rose_ is in fact a girl who couldn't grow up, because whenever she
+visited a little mystery island in the Outer Hebrides "they" who lived
+in a "lovely, lovely, lovely" vague world beyond these voices would call
+her vaguely (to Mr. NORMAN O'NEILL'S charming music), and she would as
+vaguely return with no memory of what had passed and no change in her
+physical condition. This didn't matter so much when, as a mere child,
+she disappeared for thirty days; but when, mother of an incomparable
+heir of two, she was rapt away in the middle of a picnic for twenty-five
+years, and returned to find a husband, mother and father inexplicably
+old and changed, and dreadfully silent about her babe--well, you see for
+yourself how hopeless everything was. As if there were not enough real
+tragedy in the world and it were necessary to invent!
+
+I don't think it fair to tell you any more. You shouldn't suffer these
+thrills at second-hand. But I can say that, in spite of making it a
+point of professional honour to try to keep a warm spine and check the
+unbidden tear from trickling down my nose (which makes you look such an
+ass before a cynical colleague during the intervals), I was beaten in
+both attempts. The "effects" were astonishingly well contrived by both
+author and producer (Mr. HOLMAN CLARK). You were not let down at the
+supreme moment by a hurried shuffle of dimly seen forms or the click of
+an electrician's gear suggesting too solid flesh. The house was in a
+queer way stunned by the poignancy of the last scene between the young
+ghost-mother and the long-sought unrecognised son, and had to shake
+itself before it could reward with due applause the fine playing of as
+perfect a cast as I have seen for a long time. There's no manner of
+doubt that Sir JAMES "got it over" (as they say) all right.
+
+Miss FAY COMPTON makes astonishing strides. Her _Mary Rose_ had adorable
+shy movements, caresses, intonations, wistfulnesses. These were traits
+of _Mary Rose_, not tricks of Miss COMPTON. And they escaped
+monotony--supreme achievement in the difficult circumstances. Mr. ROBERT
+LORAINE in the doubled _rôles_ of _Mary Rose's_ husband and son, showed
+a very fine skill in his differentiation of the husband's character in
+three phases of time and development, and of the son's, with its family
+likeness and individual variation. Mr. ERNEST THESIGER, who seems to
+touch nothing he does not adorn, gave a fine rendering of as charming a
+character as ever came out of the BARRIE box--the superstitious,
+learned, courteous crofter's son, student of Aberdeen University,
+temporary boatman and (later) minister. He did his best incidentally, by
+rowing away without casting off, to corroborate the local legend that
+the queer little island sometimes disappeared. Miss MARY JERROLD was
+just the perfect BARRIE mother (of _Mary Rose_). Mr. ARTHUR WHITBY'S
+parson, Mr. NORMAN FORBES' squire, Miss JEAN CADELL'S housekeeper, left
+no chinks in their armour for a critic's spleenful arrow.
+
+    T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was one of those perfect June nights that so seldom
+    occur except in August."
+
+    ---- _Magazine._
+
+The result of Daylight-saving, no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: THE AGE OF UNREST.
+
+    GRANDMAMMA, WHO HAS BEEN THWARTED, GOES ON
+    HUNGER-STRIKE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: SHOCK OF A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW
+    WHEN HE PERCEIVES THAT HIS RESCUER IS A PUSSYFOOT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONNOISSEUR.
+
+  No more to bits of china (though I love it),
+    To coloured prints no more my fancy roams,
+  Or all the works of art I used to covet
+    In other people's homes.
+
+  Old first editions, Sheffield plate and brasses,
+    Weapons of CROMWELL'S time and coats of mail,
+  Gate-tables, QUEEN ANNE chairs and aught that passes
+    For craft of CHIPPENDALE--
+
+  Such things no more I spend my hard-earned cash on
+    (Fain though the spirit be, the purse is weak);
+  Yet strong within me burns the ruling passion
+    For anything antique.
+
+  To haunt the sales for "finds" no more my job is;
+    I've found at length, to satisfy my bent,
+  A wider sphere for this my last of hobbies,
+    Which costs me not a cent;
+
+  Where I can see my friends possess the treasure
+    Their souls desire, nor envy them for that;
+  My game's to scan my fellow-man at leisure
+    Divested of his hat;
+
+  Among my own coevals, whom at last Time
+    Is taking by the locks at forty-nine,
+  Searching (a quaint but inexpensive pastime)
+    For balder heads than mine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS ON ADVERTISING.
+
+IN the belief that the numerous signs and notices, such as those
+containing warnings and advice to the public, with which the eye is so
+familiar, might be employed as suitable _media_ for commercial
+advertisement, the following suggestions are offered for what they are
+worth:--
+
+      =LIFT NOT WORKING.=
+
+    When you walk upstairs
+    be sure your boots are
+    shod with PUSSYFOOT
+       Rubber Heels.
+
+       * * *
+
+        =TO STOP THE TRAIN PULL
+           DOWN THE CORD.=
+
+    Then light a NAVY LIST Cigarette.
+
+      That alone is worth the Ł5.
+
+       * * *
+
+      =STICK NO BILLS.=
+
+     It's not your job.
+
+    Let STIKKOTINE do it.
+
+      Sticks anything.
+
+       * * *
+
+     =THIS RACK IS PROVIDED FOR
+       LIGHT ARTICLES ONLY.=
+
+    If your baby is a GLOXO baby
+       keep it on your knee.
+
+    GLOXO builds _bulky_ bairns.
+
+       * * *
+
+      =KEEP OFF THE GRASS.=
+
+    Unless you are wearing
+        GUMBOODLE'S
+         Goloshes.
+       Won't wet feet.
+
+       * * *
+
+    =BEWARE OF THE DOG.=
+
+    Wait till he hears
+    HIS MASTER'S VOICE.
+
+       * * *
+
+     =YOU MAY TELEPHONE FROM HERE.=
+
+    Ring up your newsagent and order
+          your DAILY WAIL.
+
+           Billion Sale.
+           Order it now.
+           CHU CHIN CHOW.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CHARLES ----
+
+    This week, DRIVEN FROM HOME. Next week, AT SEA."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Surely this pitiable case ought to be brought to the attention of the
+Actors' Benevolent Association.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Epicurean._ "AH, YOU LITTLE REALISE HOW
+    THESE APRIL SHOWERS BRING ON THE PEAS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I HAVE a mild grievance against that talented lady, Miss MARJORIE BOWEN,
+for labelling her latest novel "a romantic fantasy." Because, like all
+her other stories, _The Cheats_ (COLLINS) moves with such an air of
+truth, its personages are so human, that I could delightfully persuade
+myself that it was all true, and that I had really shared, with a
+sometimes quickened pulse, the strange fortunes of the sombre young
+hero. But--fantasy! That is to show the strings and give away the whole
+game. However, if you can forget that, the coils of an admirably woven
+intrigue will grip your attention and sympathy throughout. The central
+figure is one _Jaques_, who comes to town as a penniless and love-lorn
+romantic, to be confronted with the revelation that he is himself the
+eldest son, unacknowledged but legitimate, of His Majesty KING CHARLES
+THE SECOND, then holding Court at Whitehall. It is from the plots and
+counter-plots, the machinations and subterfuges that follow that Miss
+BOWEN justifies her title. Certainly _The Cheats_ establishes her in my
+mind as our first writer of historical fiction. The character-drawing is
+admirable (especially of poor weak-willed vacillating _Jaques_, a
+wonderfully observed study of the STUART temperament). More than ever,
+also, Miss BOWEN might here be said to write her descriptions with a
+paint-brush; the whole tale goes by in a series of glowing pictures,
+most richly coloured. _The Cheats_ is not a merry book; its treatment of
+the foolish heroine in particular abates nothing of grim justice; but of
+its art there can be no two opinions. I wish again that I had been
+allowed to believe in it.
+
+It must be unusual in war for a commander-in-chief to be regarded by his
+opponents with the respect and admiration that the British forces in
+East Africa felt towards VON LETTOW-VORBECK; from General SMUTS, who
+congratulated him on his Order "Pour le Mérite," down to the British
+Tommy who promised to salute him "if ever 'e's copped." The fact that
+VON LETTOW held out from August, 1914, till after the Armistice with a
+small force mainly composed of native askaris, and with hardly any
+assistance from overseas, is proof in itself of his organizing ability,
+his military leadership and his indomitable determination. As these are
+qualities which are valued by his late enemies his story of the
+campaign, _My Reminiscences of East Africa_ (HURST AND BLACKETT), should
+appeal to a large public, especially as it is written on the whole in a
+sporting spirit and not without some sense of humour. His descriptions
+of the natural difficulties of the country and the methods he adopted
+for handling them are interesting and instructive. But in military
+matters his story is not altogether convincing; for if his "victories"
+were as "decisive" as he represents them how is it that they were
+followed almost invariably by retirement? The results are attributed in
+these pages to "slight mischances" or "unfavourable conditions" or
+merely to "pressure of circumstances." Would it not have been better,
+while he was about it, to claim boldly that he was luring us on? This is
+a question on which one naturally refers to the maps, and it is
+therefore all the more regrettable that these contain no scale of
+mileage, an omission which renders them almost meaningless. How many
+readers, for instance, will realise that German East Africa was almost
+twice the size of Germany? The translation on the whole is good, though
+some phrases such as "the at times barely sufficient ration" are rather
+too redolent of the Fatherland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I see that on the title-page of his latest story Mr. W. E. NORRIS is
+credited with having already written two others (specified by name),
+etc. Much virtue in that "etc." I cannot therefore regard _The Triumphs
+of Sara_ (HUTCHINSON) precisely as the work of a beginner, though it has
+a freshness and sense of enjoyment about it that might well belong to a
+first book rather than to--I doubt whether even Mr. NORRIS himself could
+say offhand what its number is. _Sara_ and her circle are eminently
+characteristic of their creator. You have here the same well-bred
+well-to-do persons, pleasantly true to their decorous type, retaining
+always, despite modernity of clothes and circumstance, a gentle aroma of
+late Victorianism. Perhaps _Sara_ is the most immediate of Mr. NORRIS'S
+heroines so far. Her money-bags had been filled in Manchester, and from
+time to time in her history you are reminded of this circumstance. It
+explains much; though hardly her marriage with _Euan Leppington_, whose
+attraction apparently lay in being one of the few males of her
+acquaintance whom _Sara_ did not find it fatally easy to bring to heel.
+Anyhow, after marriage she quickly grew bored to death of him; so much
+so that it required an attempt (badly bungled) by another woman to get
+_Euan_ to elope with her, and a providential collapse of the very
+unwilling Lothario, to bring about that happy ending that my experience
+of kind Mr. NORRIS has taught me to expect. I may add that he has never
+done anything more quietly entertaining than the frustrated elopement;
+the luncheon scene at the Métropole, Brighton, between the angry but
+amused _Sara_ and a husband incapacitated by rage, remorse and chill, is
+an especially well-handled little comedy of manners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir JULIAN CORBETT, in writing the first volume of _Naval Operations_
+(LONGMANS), has carried the semi-official history of the War at sea only
+as far as the Battle of the Falklands; but if the other three or four
+volumes--the number is still uncertain--are to be as full of romance as
+this the complete work will be a library of adventure in itself. Hardly
+ever turning aside to praise or blame, he says with almost unqualified
+baldness a multitude of astounding things--things we half knew, or
+guessed, or longed to have explained, or dared not whisper, or, most of
+all, never dreamt of. Here is a gold-mine for the makers of boys' books
+of all future generations to quarry in. Think, for instance, of the
+liner _Ortega_ shaking off a German cruiser by bolting into an uncharted
+tide-race near the Horn; or the _Southport_, left for disabled by her
+captors, crawling two thousand miles to safety with only half an engine;
+or the triumphant raider _Karlsruhe_, her pursuers baffled, full to the
+hatches with captured luxuries, bands playing, flags flying, suddenly
+blown up in mid-Atlantic. The game of hide-and-seek, as played by the
+_Emden_ and her like, naturally figures very largely in a volume which
+HENTY could hardly have bettered. The author's veracious narrative,
+leaving all picturesque detail to the imagination, gets home every time
+by the sheer weight of its material. The War in Home waters is no less
+fascinatingly reconstructed, and the case of maps contains in itself
+living epics for all who study them with understanding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In writing her second book Miss HILDA M. SHARP has allowed herself what
+is, I suspect, the lady novelist's greatest treat, the extraordinary
+achievement of using the first person singular and making it masculine.
+She has done it very well too, and I am happy to recall that, in another
+place, I was among the many who prophesied good concerning her future
+when she made her _début_ as a novelist with _The Stars in their
+Courses_ in Mr. FISHER UNWIN'S "First Novel Library." _A Pawn in Pawn_
+comes very properly from the same publisher. It has one of those plots
+which it is most particularly a reviewer's business, in the reader's own
+interest, not to reveal, but it is permissible to explain that the
+"pawn" of the title is a little girl adopted from an orphanage, where,
+as someone says, "the orphans aren't really orphans," by _Julian
+Tarrant_, whom a select circle acknowledged as the greatest poet that
+the last years of the nineteenth century produced. Miss SHARP earns my
+special admiration by getting through the inevitable description of the
+beginning of the Great War in fewer words than anybody whose attempt I
+have yet encountered, and steers throughout a pleasant course midway
+between a "bestseller" and a "high-brow." _Lydia_, the "pawn," is very
+charming, but quite possibly so, and though, of course, she must marry
+one of the three men interested in her adoption Miss SHARP will probably
+keep most of her readers, as she did me, in doubt as to which it is to
+be until quite the end of the book. I think that he may prove an
+acquired taste with most readers; but directly I found that he was apt
+to quote the reviews in _Punch_ I realised that he was a man of
+discrimination and deserved his good luck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "PROPER FED UP WIV YOU, I AM. CRY, CRY,
+    CRY ALL DAY LONG. I'D 'IT YER OVER THE 'EAD WIV THE
+    BOTTLE IF I WOS A MODERN WOMAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Urgent Request.
+
+    "---- CO-OPERATIVE SOCIETY, LTD.
+
+    Members are requested to hand in their Share Pass Books
+    for Audit Purposes to the Head Office on or before AT
+    ONCE."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rev. ---- writes:--'I have a Cousin residing in the
+    Transvaal who has been living on three plates of
+    porridge made of ---- for five years, and is well and
+    strong on it.'"--_South African Paper._
+
+It sounds very sustaining.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+158, April 28, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, APRIL 28, 1920 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22653-8.txt or 22653-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/5/22653/
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+<meta http-equiv='Content-Type' content='text/html;charset=iso-8859-1' />
+<meta http-equiv='Content-Style-Type' content='text/css' />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, Vol. 158, Apr. 28, 1920</title>
+<style type='text/css' media='screen'>
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158,
+April 28, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, April 28, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2007 [EBook #22653]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, APRIL 28, 1920 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class='masthead'>
+<h1>PUNCH,<br /> OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 158.</h2>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>April 28, 1920.</h2>
+
+<hr />
+</div>
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></p>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>General Denikin</span> is now in London. This is
+the first visit he has paid to this country since his last assassination
+by the Bolshevists.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>New proposals regarding telephone charges are expected as soon as the
+Select Committee has reported. If the system of charging by time in
+place of piece-work is adopted it will mean ruination to many
+business-men.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>The Swiss Government has issued orders that ex-monarchs may enter the
+country without passports. It is required, however, that they should
+take their places in the queue.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>It is reported that a Londonderry man walked up to a Sinn Feiner the
+other day and said, "Shoot me." We understand that the real reason why
+the fellow was not accommodated was that he omitted to say "Please." The
+best Sinn Feiners are very punctilious.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>"The drinking of intoxicants," says an American prohibitionist,
+"causes early death in ninety-five cases out of a hundred." Several
+Americans, we are informed, have gallantly offered themselves for
+experimental purposes.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>"It is a scandal," says a contemporary, "that the clerks at Llanelly
+should ask for twelve pounds fifteen shillings a week." But surely there
+is no harm in asking.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>According to a weekly paper not only is <span class='smcap'>Constance
+Binney</span> a famous screen star, but she is also a first-class
+ukelele player. The latest reports are that the news has been received
+quietly.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>"If slightly cut before cooking, potatoes slip out of their skins
+easily," says a home journal. This is better than frightening them out
+of their skins by jumping out from behind a door and saying "Boo."</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>William Aird</span>, the germ-proof man, has
+been giving demonstrations in London. It is reported that last week a
+germ snapped at him and broke off two of its teeth.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>"In New York the other day," says a contemporary, "the sky kept
+streaming silver sheen; mistlike lights pulsated in rapid flashes to the
+apex and piled-up stars could be seen." The fact that New York can still
+see things like this must be a sorry blow to the Prohibitionists.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>"Working men have been hit very hard by the tyrannical Budget,"
+announces a morning paper. We too are in sympathy with those miners who
+are now faced with only one bottle of champagne a day.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>"These cotton boom profits," said the President of the Textile
+Institute recently, "are abnormal and unhealthy." The Manchester man,
+however, who recently came out with innumerable spots resembling
+half-crowns as the result of the boom, declares that no inconvenience is
+suffered once the dizziness has passed away.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>From Bungay in Suffolk comes the news that a water-wagtail has built
+its nest in a milk-can. We resolutely refrain from comment.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>A youth recently arrested in Dublin was found not to have a revolver
+on him. He is being detained for a medical examination.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>A great many people are committing suicide, says the Vicar of St.
+Mathew's, Portsmouth, because they have nothing to live for. We
+disagree. <i>The Weekly Dispatch's</i> accounts of the next world are
+well worth staying alive for.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>Airships under construction, declares
+Air-Commodore <span class='smcap'>E. M. Maitland</span>, will make the
+passage to Australia in nine and a-half days. In tax-paying circles it
+is said that the fashionable thing will be to start now and let the
+airship overtake you if it can.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>More than a million Americans, it is stated, are preparing to visit
+Europe this summer. It is thought that there is at least a sporting
+chance that some of them will be hoist with their own bacon.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>"The man who does not know Latin," says the Dean
+of <span class='smcap'>Durham</span>, "is not really educated." Several
+uneducated business men are said to have written to
+the <span class='smcap'>Dean</span> asking the Latin for what they think
+of the new Budget.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>At a recent wedding in Tyrone young men who had come to wish the
+bride and bridegroom luck lit a fire against the door, blocked the
+chimney with straw, broke the windows, threw water and cayenne-pepper on
+the wedding-party and bombarded the house with stones for two hours. It
+is just this joyous, care-free nature of the Irish that the stolid
+Englishman will never learn to appreciate.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>We understand that the man who tried to gain admission to the Zoo on
+Sunday by making a noise like a Fellow of the Zoological Society was
+detected in the act.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>A person who recently attempted to commit suicide by lying down on
+the Caledonian Railway line was found to have a razor in one pocket and
+a bottle of laudanum in the other. The Company, we understand,
+strenuously deny the necessity of these alternatives.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:600px;'>
+<a href='images/i-321.png'>
+<img src='images/i-321th.png' alt='' title='Click for larger image'
+ width='600' height='420' />
+</a>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to manager of Servants' Registry</i>).
+"<span class='smcap'>I wish to obtain a new governess</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Manager.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Well, Madam, you remember we
+supplied you with one only last week, but, judging by the report we have
+received, what you really need is a lion-tamer</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h3>A Callous Crowd.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The christening ceremony was performed by Lady Maclay,
+wife of the Shipping Controller. Thousands of people saw her go down the
+slips, and cheers were raised as she took the water without the
+slightest hitch."</p>
+<p class='ralign'><cite>Daily News.</cite></p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>We gather from the expression, "without the slightest hitch," that
+not one of the onlookers made any effort to save the lady.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></p>
+
+<h2>THOUGHTS ON THE BUDGET.</h2>
+
+<p class='subtitle smcap'>By a Patriot.</p>
+
+<div class='poem'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>This</span> twelvemonth at the grindstone I have ground,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Toiling to meet the toll of profiteers,</span><br />
+And now comes <span class='smcap'>Austen</span>, budgeting around,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>"Comes the blind Fury with the abhorr&eacute;d shears"</span><br />
+(<span class='smcap'>Milton</span>), and leaves me naked as a poodle,<br />
+Shorn&mdash;to the buff&mdash;of my laborious boodle.
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+I own it irks me little when he goes<br />
+<span class='in1em'>For fancy weeds and wine of fizzy brands;</span><br />
+But I protest at parting through the nose<br />
+<span class='in1em'>For what the meanest human life demands;</span><br />
+Nothing is sacred from his monstrous paw,<br />
+Not letters, no, nor even usquebaugh.
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+That beverage, which invites to balmy sleep<br />
+<span class='in1em'>(Guerdon of toil), is on the upward ramp;</span><br />
+My harmless doggerel&mdash;in itself so cheap&mdash;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Despatched by post will want a larger stamp;</span><br />
+Nor have I any wives or children to<br />
+Abate the mulcting of my revenue.</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+But if you tell me I am asked to bleed<br />
+<span class='in1em'>For England; if, by being rudely tapped,</span><br />
+My modest increment may help at need<br />
+<span class='in1em'>To spare some Office which would else be scrapped;</span><br />
+If my poor fleece of wool by heavy cropping<br />
+Can save the Civil Estimates from dropping;&mdash;
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+If I can keep in comfortable ease<br />
+<span class='in1em'>But one superfluous Staff for one week's play;</span><br />
+If from my squalor I may hope to squeeze<br />
+<span class='in1em'>The wherewithal to check for half a day</span><br />
+The untimely razing of a single Hut&mdash;<br />
+'Tis well; I will not even murmur "Tut."
+</div>
+</div><!-- end .poem -->
+
+<p class='ralign'>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>A TRYING DAY IN MEDI&AElig;VAL TIMES.</h2>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>The</span> public torturer hurried home in an
+irritable frame of mind. The day had been for him one long round of
+annoyances. When he commenced his duties that morning, already
+exasperated by the thought that if the drought continued the produce of
+his tiny patch of ground would be completely ruined, he was aggrieved to
+find that far more than his fair share of a recently arrived batch of
+heretics had been allotted to him. During the midday break for
+refreshments his dreamy assistant had allowed the furnace to go out,
+bringing upon the torturer's own head a severe censure for the
+consequent delay. In the afternoon, glancing occasionally through the
+narrow window, he was mortified to see that the promising rain-clouds,
+which might yet have saved his cabbages, were dispersing; and then, to
+crown all, just as he was finishing for the day he had caught hold of a
+pair of pincers a trifle too near the white-hot end and seared his
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>As he approached the cottage which was enshrined in his heart by a
+thousand sacred associations as home, the torturer strove to rise
+superior to his worries. He whistled bravely as he crossed the threshold
+and caressed his wife with his usual tenderness. Intuitively she divined
+the bitterness of the mood which lay beneath the torturer's seeming
+cheerfulness, but she stifled her curiosity like the wise little woman
+she was and hastened to lay his supper before him. Through the progress
+of the meal&mdash;prepared by her in the way the torturer loved so
+well&mdash;she diverted him with her lively prattle. And at length, when
+she trod on the dog and caused it to give out a long-drawn howl, she
+made such a neat allusion to the Chamber and heretics that the torturer
+laughed till the tears streamed down his cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>After the table was cleared the torturer's little blue-eyed girl came
+toddling up to him for her usual half-hour's cuddle. It made a beautiful
+picture&mdash;the little mite with her father's merry eyes and her
+mother's rosebud mouth, sitting on the torturer's knee, her golden hair
+mingling with his beard. And how her silvery laugh brightened the place
+as she played her favourite game of stretching her rag doll on a toy
+model of a rack.</p>
+
+<p>The sound of rain outside brought the torturer and his wife to the
+door. As they stood side by side watching the downpour the last vestige
+of the torturer's ill-humour passed away. This rain would mean a record
+year for his cabbages, and would do wonders for his beans, which were
+already a long way more forward than those of the executioner.</p>
+
+<p>He realised now that he had allowed the mishaps of the day to worry
+him unduly. After all, his hand had suffered little more than a scorch
+and no longer pained him, and, although the censure he had received in
+the Chamber and the possible consequences had been very disquieting, yet
+he was now able to assure himself and his wife that if henceforth he
+kept his assistant from wool-gathering all would be well.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly he fell back trembling from the threshold, his face blanched
+with terror. A large rain-drop had splashed on his forehead, reminding
+him abruptly that before coming home that evening he had neglected to
+fill the water-dripping apparatus, which might be required at dawn for
+the more obstinate of the heretics.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>TALL TALK.</h2>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>The</span> fact that the Bishop-Elect
+of <span class='smcap'>Pretoria</span>, the Rev.
+<span class='smcap'>Neville Talbot</span>, is no less than six feet six inches high,
+surpassing his predecessor by two inches, has been freely
+commented on in the Press. Anxious to ascertain from
+leaders of public opinion the true significance of the appointment,
+Mr. Punch has been at pains to collect their views.
+How divergent and even contradictory they are may be
+gathered from the following selection:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class='smcap'>Martin Conway</span>, the Apostle of
+Altitude, as he has been recently denominated, welcomed the appointment
+of Bishop <span class='smcap'>Talbot</span> as a good omen for the
+campaign which he is so ably conducting. "Nothing," he remarks, "has
+impressed me so much in the works of <span class='smcap'>Tennyson</span>
+as the line, 'We needs must love the highest when we see it.' Mountain
+or building or man, it is all the same. I never felt so happy in all my
+travels in South America as when I was in Patagonia, the home of tall
+men and the giant sloth. At all costs we should recognise and cultivate
+the human skyscraper."</p>
+
+<p>The Bishop of <span class='smcap'>Hereford</span>
+(Dr. <span class='smcap'>Hensley Henson</span>) expressed the hope that
+the appointment of bishops would not be governed solely by an
+anthropometric standard. It would be a misfortune if the impression were
+created that preferment to the episcopal bench was confined to High
+Churchmen.</p>
+
+<p>The Editor of <i>The Times</i> declined to dogmatize on the subject.
+He pointed out however that the average height of the Yugo-Slavs
+exceeded that of the Welsh. The claims of small nations could not, of
+course, be overlooked, but he considered it as little short of a
+calamity when a Great Power had an undersized Prime Minister. Short men
+liked short cuts, but, as <span class='smcap'>Bacon</span> said, the
+shortest way is commonly the foulest.</p>
+
+<p>Dr. <span class='smcap'>Robert Bridges</span> (the Poet-Laureate)
+writes to say that, having given special study to the hexameter, he was
+much interested to find that the measure now in vogue amongst bishops
+was that of six feet and over. He hoped
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span>
+to treat the subject exhaustively in his forthcoming treatise
+on Ecclesiastical Prosody.</p>
+
+<p>Colonel <span class='smcap'>L. C. Amery</span>, M.P., strongly
+deprecated the attempt to identify excessive height with extreme
+efficiency. In the election to Fellowships at All Souls no height limit
+was imposed. <span class='smcap'>Napoleon</span> and the late
+Lord <span class='smcap'>Roberts</span> were both small men, and he
+believed that the remarkable elusiveness displayed by
+Colonel <span class='smcap'>Lawrence</span> in the War was greatly
+facilitated by his diminutive stature. The testimony of literature
+throughout the ages was almost unanimous in its condemnation of giants.
+He had never heard of a small ogre. On the subject
+of <span class='smcap'>Shakespeare's</span> height he could not speak
+with assurance, but <span class='smcap'>Keats</span> was only just over
+five feet. Jumbomania, or the worship of mammoth dimensions, was a
+modern disease. Far better was the philosophy crystallised in such
+immortal sayings as "Love me little, love me long," and "Infinite riches
+in a little room."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Mallaby-Deeley</span>, M.P., observed that,
+man being an imitative animal and bishops being regarded by many as good
+examples, there seemed to him a serious danger of an epidemic of what he
+might call Brobdingnagitis. Fortunately the results would not be
+immediately apparent, otherwise he would be compelled to raise his
+tariff for cheap suits. A rise of six inches in the average height of
+his customers would throw out all his calculations and eat up the modest
+margin of profit which he now allowed himself.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></p>
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:504px'>
+<a href='images/i-324.png'>
+<img src='images/i-324th.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image' width='504' height='600' />
+</a>
+
+<h3>A DISTURBER OF THE PEACE.</h3>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Entente Policeman</span> (<i>to Germany
+Militant</i>). "ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THAT STUFF OFF OR MUST I DO IT FOR
+YOU?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:700px'>
+<a href='images/i-324b.png'>
+<img src='images/i-324bth.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image' width='700' height='474' />
+</a>
+
+<p><i>Caf&eacute; Genius.</i> "<span class='smcap'>The fact is we make
+ourselves too cheap. Of course the public pays to see our pictures, but
+the blighters can come and see US for nothing</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The weather of the week has been characteristic of the
+month. A dawn breaks with a fair sunset."&mdash;<cite>Scotch
+Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Of course this happens only very far North.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>SAFETY PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p class='center subtitle'>(<i>According to local legend, Whitby Abbey possesses a
+ghost which only appears in a blaze of sunshine</i>).</p>
+
+<div class='poem'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>Men</span> there may be so immune from timidity<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Never a spectre could fill them with fright,</span><br />
+Men who could keep their accustomed placidity<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Were they to meet in the gloom of the night</span><br />
+Lady Hermione tramping the corridor,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Wicked Sir Guy with his fetters adrag,</span><br />
+Or a plebeian who shrieked something horrid or<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Carried his head in a vanity bag.</span><br />
+<br />
+</div>
+<div class='stanza'>
+Not such am I. Every hair at the vertical,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>I should resort to hysterical screams</span><br />
+Did a diaphanous Lady (or Sir) tickle<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Me on the cheek in the midst of my dreams;</span><br />
+Yet when, at Yule, I hear people converse on all<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Manner of spooks round the log in the grate,</span><br />
+Often I wish that I too had a personal<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Psychic experience I could relate.</span><br />
+<br />
+</div>
+<div class='stanza'>
+I am a coward when midnight looms murkily,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>But when the sunlight of noon's at its best</span><br />
+I could face calmly&mdash;I'd even say perkily&mdash;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Nebulous figures as well as the rest;</span><br />
+So I'll to Whitby, and (on the hypothesis<br />
+<span class='in1em'>That she'll obligingly come to me there)</span><br />
+Wait in its abbey (see text). By my troth, this is<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Just such a ghost as I'm ready to dare.</span><br />
+</div>
+</div><!-- end .poem -->
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></p>
+
+<div class='i-flright' style='width:413px;
+border-left:2px solid;
+border-bottom:3px double;
+padding-left:1em;
+padding-bottom:.5em;
+margin-left:1em;'>
+
+<a href='images/i-325.png'>
+<img src='images/i-325th.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image' width='413' height='600' />
+</a>
+
+<p><i>Assistant.</i> "<span class='smcap'>I'm afraid we're right out of
+moustache brushes, Sir, but that's an eyebrow brush, and it would, I
+think, serve the purpose</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<h2>MASCULINE MODES.</h2>
+
+<p class='center subtitle'><span class='smcap'>By Beau Brummel</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>The</span> news that the price of lounge suits
+will have risen to twenty-four pounds by the autumn has created
+something of a sartorial panic in the City and the West End.</p>
+
+<p>Famous old wardrobes are being broken up on all sides by owners
+anxious to acquire fresh clothing before it is too late, whilst the
+small properties thus created find eager tenants amongst those who
+cannot afford a new outfit at all.</p>
+
+<p>Many tailors who have built new suits are beginning to dispose of
+them on three or five year repairing leases, and possession of these may
+sometimes be secured from the present occupiers on payment of a
+substantial premium.</p>
+
+<p>Gentlemen possessing both town and country sets of suitings are in
+many cases letting the latter in order to come up to London for the
+season, whilst others are resorting to various economical artifices to
+meet the crisis. Plus four golf knickers, let down, make admirable
+wedding trousers for a short man, and many are the old college blazers
+dyed black and doing duty as natty pea-jackets.</p>
+
+<p>In the City, of course, fustian and corduroys are almost the only
+wear, and there is much divergence of opinion on the Stock Exchange as
+to the best knot for spotted red neckerchiefs and the proper way of
+tying the difficult little bow beneath the knees.</p>
+
+<p>In Parliament, where of course the old costly fashions have long been
+out of vogue, the change is equally noticeable.
+Lord <span class='smcap'>Robert Cecil</span>, for instance, habitually
+wears the white canvas suit in which Mr. <span class='smcap'>Augustus
+John</span> painted him; Lord <span class='smcap'>Birkenhead</span>
+mounts the Woolsack in an old cassock, which, as he points out, not only
+allows a very scanty attire underneath it, but gives him particular
+confidence in elucidating St. Matthew; while
+the <span class='smcap'>Prime Minister</span> himself set off for San
+Remo in a simple set of striped sackcloth dittos. Many Members are
+having their old pre-war morning coats turned; Mr.
+<span class='smcap'>Winston Churchill</span> in machine-gun overalls,
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Mallaby-Deeley</span> self-dressed,
+Sir <span class='smcap'>Edward Carson</span> in a simple union suit, are
+conspicuous figures, and Mr. <span class='smcap'>Horatio
+Bottomley</span> by a whimsical yet thrifty fancy often attends the
+House in the humble attire of the Weaver in <i>A Midsummer Night's
+Dream</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Even in the Welsh collieries it is becoming the habit to go down the
+pits in rough home-spun, and reserving the top hat, morning coat and
+check trousers for striking in.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h3>"DENIKIN TIRED.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p class='center'>LOOKING FOR A LITTLE HOUSE IN ENGLAND."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><cite>Evening Standard.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The gallant General is not the only one who is worn out with this
+hopeless task.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Sir John Cadman, head of the British Oil Department, has
+left Birmingham for San Remo."&mdash;<cite>Evening
+Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Was this the last hope of restoring calm to the "troubled
+waters"?</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"He has represented Lowestoft at St. Stephen's&mdash;one
+of the most important fishing centres in the country&mdash;for many
+years past."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><cite>Daily Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The House of Commons seems to have been confused with Izaak Walton
+Heath.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<h3>"LADIES' GOLF AT RANELAGH.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>Miss &mdash;&mdash; played badly and tore up her card as
+well as many other ladies of note."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><cite>Provincial Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But it is hoped that this method of thinning out the competitors will
+not be generally resorted to.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<h3>"MURAL TEACHING.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>Speaking at Manchester last night Lord Haldane advocated
+a great and new national reform by enabling the Universities to train
+the best teachers of their own level to go out and do extra Mural
+teaching on a huge scale."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><cite>Provincial Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We gather that in our contemporary's opinion it is high time that our
+Universities recognised "the writing on the wall."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></p>
+
+<h3>A VANISHED SPECIES.</h3>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>The</span> great auk is but a memory; the bittern
+booms more rarely in our eastern marshes; and now they tell me
+Brigadiers are extinct. Handsomest and liveliest of our indigenous
+fauna, the bright beady eye, the flirt of the trench coat-tail through
+the undergrowth, the glint of red betwixt the boughs, the sudden
+piercing pipe&mdash;how well I knew them, how often I have lain hidden
+in thickets and behind hedgerows to study them more closely. How
+inquisitive the creature was, yet how seldom would it feed from the
+hand. And now, it seems, they are gone.</p>
+
+<p>Vainly I rack my brains to envisage the manner of their passing. Is
+there to be nothing left but silence and a shadow or a specimen in a
+dusty case of glass preserved in creosol and stuffed with lime? Or did
+not the Brigadiers rather, when they felt their last hour was upon them,
+retire like the elephants of the jungle to some distant spot and shuffle
+off the mortal coil in the midst of Salisbury Plain or (for so I still
+picture it despite the ravages of a rude commercialism) the vast
+solitude of Slough?</p>
+
+<p>Or it may be that they underwent some classic metamorphosis,
+translated to a rainless paradise, where they dreamed of battalions for
+ever inspected and the general salute eternally blown.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>
+"And there, they say, two bright and ag&eacute;d snakes<br /> Who once
+were brigadiers of infantry<br /> Bask in the sun."<br />
+</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Anyhow, I cannot believe that ex-Brigadiers die. They only fade away.
+Fade away, I think, like the Cheshire Cat in <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>,
+leaving at the last not a grin but a scowl behind them. "<i>Brigadiers
+will fade away</i>," I imagine, ran the instruction from the Army
+Council, "<i>passing the vanishing point in the following
+order:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<ul>
+<li>(1) <i>Spurs.</i></li>
+<li>(2) <i>Field Boots.</i></li>
+<li>(3) <i>Main body.</i></li>
+<li>(4) <i>Brass hat.</i></li>
+<li>(5) <i>Scowl.</i>"</li>
+</ul>
+
+<p>But oh, how they will be missed, with their insatiable hunger for
+replies! I remember one in particular, very fierce and black-moustached,
+who used to pop up suddenly from behind a Loamshire hedge with an
+enormous note-book in his hand and say to unhappy company commanders,
+"The situation is so-and-so and so-and-so; now let me hear you give your
+orders." And the Company-Commander, who would have liked to read
+through <i>Infantry Training</i> once or twice and then hold a sort of
+inter-allied conference with his Platoon-Commander, putting the Company
+Sergeant-Major in the chair, felt that after frightfulness of this kind
+mere actual war would probably be child's-play. And yet they tell me he
+was a pleasant enough fellow in the Mess, this Brigadier, and liked good
+cooking. Now I come to think of it, he faded away before the War came to
+an end. He faded away into a Major-General.</p>
+
+<p>How different from this sort was the type that could always be
+placated by a glittering bayonet charge or a thoroughly smart salute! I
+remember one of this kind who came charging across the landscape, his
+Staff Captain at his heels, to a point where he saw a friend of mine
+apparently lost in meditation and sloth. Unfortunately the great man's
+horse betrayed him as he tried to jump a low hedge, and, when he had
+clambered up again and arrived in a rather tumbled condition to ask
+indignantly what had happened to the scouts, "They have established a
+number of hidden observation posts," my friend replied, keeping his
+presence of mind, "and are making an exact report of everything that
+transpires on the enemy's front," and he waved his arm towards the scene
+of the catastrophe. It was not thought necessary to examine their
+notes.</p>
+
+<p>In France Brigadiers were mainly divided into the sort that came
+round the front line themselves, and the sort that sent the
+Brigade-major or somebody else who had broken out into a frontal
+inflammation to do it for them. It is difficult to say
+which <i>genus</i> was the more alarming.</p>
+
+<p>The first was apt to exhibit its contempt for danger by strolling
+about in perilous places for five minutes and leaving them to be shelled
+in consequence for a week.</p>
+
+<p>The second sort was apt to issue orders depending for fulfilment on a
+faulty map reference or a landmark which had been carelessly removed by
+an H.E. shell. One of the most <i>intransigeant</i> of this kind whom I
+remember could always, however, be softened by souvenirs; a cast-off
+Uhlan's lance or the rifle of a Bosch sniper went far to console him for
+the barrenness of a patrol report. I feel sure he must have faded at
+Slough.</p>
+
+<p>But it was in battle that their wild appetite for information was
+most amazingly displayed. At moments when nobody knew where anybody else
+was or whether the ground underneath him was likely to remain in that
+sector more than a few moments or be detached and transferred to
+another, they would send by telephone or by a runner wild messages for
+an exact <i>r&eacute;sum&eacute;</i> of the situation. It was at such
+times, I think, that some of those eminent war correspondents recently
+knighted would have done yeoman service in the front line. I can imagine
+them telephoning somewhat after this manner, in answer to the querulous
+voice:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"All hell has broken loose in front of us. The earth
+shivers as if a volcano is beneath our feet. The pock-marked ridges in
+the distance are covered with the advancing waves of field-grey forms.
+Our boys are going up happily shouting and singing to the battle. Sorry,
+I didn't quite catch what you said about being in touch on the right.
+The brazen roar of the cannon is mingled with the intermittent rattle of
+innumerable machine guns. Eh, what? What?"</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Yes, I think the Brigadiers would have liked that. But, alas, it
+could not be. And now they have gone, with their passion for questions,
+never to return, or never till the next A.C.I. cancels the last.</p>
+
+<div class='poem'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+"And now no sacred staff shall break to blossom,<br />
+No choral salutation lure to light,"
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p>as <span class='smcap'>Swinburne</span> put it; or</p>
+
+<div class='poem'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+"All the birds of the air fell a-sighin' and a-sobbin'<br />
+When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin,"
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p>as No. 1 platoon of A Company used to sing. Ah, well.</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><span class='smcap'>Evoe</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>A COUNTRY NIGHT PIECE.</h2>
+
+<div class='poem'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>The</span> darkness my footsteps were swathed
+in<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Is drenched with a luminous spray;</span><br />
+For a chain's length the kerbstone is bathed in<br />
+<span class='in1em'>A spindrift of silvery grey;</span><br />
+By the roadside is mistily glimmering<br />
+<span class='in1em'>A wall phosphorescent with pearls,</span><br />
+All glancing and dancing and shimmering<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Like star-dust that swirls.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Where the high-road dips down to the dingle,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>A coppice in arabesque gleams</span><br />
+Whose traceries melt and commingle,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Like ghost trees in moon-fretted streams,</span><br />
+As the tremulous glamour sweeps o'er it<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And skirts the inscrutable sky;</span><br />
+Then, Fairyland flitting before it,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>The car flashes by.</span>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h3>Sport in Ireland.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>"In a collision between his vehicle and a tramcar
+yesterday a passenger was injured and removed to hospital.</p>
+
+<p>For other Sporting News see Page 6."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><cite>Irish Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p class='center'>"&mdash;&mdash;'S SIPPING
+AGENCY, <span class='smcap'>Ltd</span>."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><i>Le R&eacute;veil</i> (<i>Beyrouth</i>).</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A popular establishment, we feel confident.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></p>
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:700px'>
+<a href='images/i-327.png'>
+<img src='images/i-327th.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image' width='700' height='526' />
+</a>
+
+<h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3>
+
+<p class='center subtitle'>PAVLOVITIS.</p>
+
+<p>[It is announced that at a coming Charity Ball there will be a dance
+to the music of <span class='smcap'>Saint-S&auml;ens'</span> <i>Le
+Cygne</i>. Our artist anticipates the moment of the Dying Swan's
+collapse.]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:700px'>
+<a href='images/i-327b.png'>
+<img src='images/i-327bth.png' alt='' title='Click for larger image'
+width='700' height='532' />
+</a>
+
+<p><i>Host</i> (<i>to friend who feels faint.</i>)
+"<span class='smcap'>Now, what <i>you</i> want is a good stiff glass
+of</span>"&mdash;(<i>suddenly remembering the
+Budget</i>)&mdash;"<span class='smcap'>soda</span>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>THE TAKING OF TIMOTHY.</h2>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Tea</span> was over, a clearing was made of the
+articles of more fragile virtue, and Timothy, entering in state, was
+off-loaded from his nurse's arms into his mother's.</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't he looking sweet to-day?" said Suzanne. "It's really time we
+had him photographed."</p>
+
+<p>"Why?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, why do people as a rule get photographed?"</p>
+
+<p>"That," I said, "is a question I have often asked myself, but without
+finding a satisfactory answer. What do you propose to do with the
+copies?"</p>
+
+<p>"There are dozens of people who'll be only too glad to have them.
+Aunt Caroline, for instance&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Aunt Caroline one day took me into her confidence and showed me what
+she called her scrap-heap. It was a big box full of photographs that had
+been presented to her from time to time, and she calculated that if she
+had had them all framed, as their donors had doubtless expected, it
+would have cost her some hundreds of pounds. While her back was turned I
+looked through the collection. Your photograph was there&mdash;and mine,
+Suzanne."</p>
+
+<p>"Anyhow, we shall want one to keep ourselves. Think what a pleasure
+it will be to him when he grows up to see what he looked like as a tiny
+baby."</p>
+
+<p>I called to mind an ancestral album belonging to my own family that I
+had carefully kept guarded from Suzanne precisely for the reason that it
+contained various presentments of myself at early ages in
+mirth-compelling garments and attitudes; but of course I could not now
+urge that chamber of horrors in opposition to her demand.</p>
+
+<p>"Besides," she went on, "we needn't buy any copies at all if we don't
+like them. Snapper and Klick are continually worrying me to have Baby
+taken. Once a week regularly, ever since the announcement of his birth
+appeared, they've rung me up to ask when he will give them a sitting.
+Sometimes it's Snapper and sometimes it's Klick; I don't know which is
+which, but one of them has adenoids. We can't do any harm by taking him
+there, because they say in their circulars they present two copies free
+and there's no obligation to purchase any."</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder how they make that pay?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said Suzanne, "they keep the copyright, you know, and then when
+he does anything famous they send it round to the illustrated papers,
+which pay them no end of money for permission to reproduce it."</p>
+
+<p>"But by the time <i>he</i> does anything famous," I objected, "won't
+this photograph be a trifle out of date? Supposing, for instance, in
+twenty or thirty years' time he marries a Movie Queen&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Just then the telephone-bell rang, and Suzanne, as is her wont,
+rushed to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg
+328]</a></span> answer it, dropping Timothy into my arms on the way.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello!" I heard her say. "Yes; speaking. Yes, I was just going to
+write. Yes; that will do quite well. What? Yes, about eleven.
+Good-bye."</p>
+
+<p>"Not another appointment with the dressmaker?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"No. Curiously enough it was Klick again&mdash;or Snapper&mdash;and
+his adenoids are worse than ever; I suppose it's the damp weather gets
+into them. So I said we'd take Baby to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't quite see the connection," I said. "Besides, aren't they
+catching?"</p>
+
+<p>"Now you're being funny again. Save that up for to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean?" I asked in some alarm. "And why did you say
+<i>we'd</i> take Baby?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, of course you've got to come too. You can always make him laugh
+better than anyone else; it's your
+<i>m&eacute;tier</i>. And I do want his delicious
+little dimples to come out."</p>
+
+<p>"Do I understand that I'm to go through my <i>r&eacute;pertoire</i>
+in cold blood and under the unsympathetic gaze of Messrs. Snapper and
+Klick? Suzanne, it can't be done."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, nonsense! You've only got to sing <i>Pop Goes the Weasel</i> in
+a falsetto voice and make one of those comic faces you do so well, and
+he'll gurgle at once. Well, that's settled. We start at half-past ten
+to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>The coming ordeal so preyed upon my mind that I spent a most restless
+night, during which, so Suzanne afterwards told me, I announced at
+frequent intervals the popping of the weasel. The day dawned with a
+steady drizzle of rain, and, after a poor attempt at breakfast, I
+scoured the neighbourhood for a taxi. Having at last run one to earth, I
+packed the expedition into it&mdash;Suzanne, Timothy, Timothy's nurse
+and Barbara (who begged so hard to be allowed to "come and see Father
+make faces at Baby" that Suzanne weakly consented).</p>
+
+<p>Arrived at our destination, Suzanne bade the driver wait. "We shall
+never find another cab to take us home in this downpour," she said, "and
+we shan't be kept long."</p>
+
+<p>We were ushered into the studio by a gentleman I now know to have
+been Mr. Klick. He aroused my distrust at once by the fact that he did
+not wear a velvet coat, and I pointed out this artistic deficiency in a
+whisper to Suzanne.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," she whispered back; "we needn't buy any if they're not
+good."</p>
+
+<p>Timothy, who had by now been put straight by his attendant, was
+carefully placed on all-fours on a pile of cushions, which he promptly
+proceeded to chew. Mr. Klick, on attempting to correct the pose, was
+received with a hymn of hate that compelled him to bury his head hastily
+in the camera-cloth, and Suzanne arranged the subject so that some of
+his more recognisable features became visible.</p>
+
+<p>"Now then," she said to me, "make him smile."</p>
+
+<p>With a furtive glance at Mr. Klick, who fortunately was still playing
+the ostrich, I essayed a well-tried "face" that had almost invariably
+evoked a chuckle from Timothy, even when visitors were present. On this
+occasion, however, it failed to produce anything more than a woebegone
+pucker that foreshadowed something worse. Hastily I switched off into
+another expression, but with no better result.</p>
+
+<p>"Go on, Father," encouraged
+Bar<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg
+329]</a></span>bara, who had been taking a breathless interest in these
+proceedings; "try your funny voice."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Klick had emerged from cover and was standing expectantly with
+his hand on the cap.</p>
+
+<p>Dear reader, have you ever been called upon to sing <i>Pop Goes the
+Weasel</i> in a falsetto voice before a fractious baby, a small but
+intensely critical child, a stolidly contemptuous nurse, an agitated
+mother and a gaping photographer, with the knowledge that success or
+failure hangs upon your lips, and that all the time a diabolical machine
+in the street below is scoring threepence against you every minute or
+so? Of course you haven't; but possibly you may be able to enter into my
+feelings in this hour of trial. With a prickly heat suffusing my whole
+body and a melting sensation at the collar I struggled through the
+wretched lyric once. Timothy regarded me first with scorn and then with
+positive distaste. In desperation I squeaked it out again and yet again,
+but each succeeding "pop" only registered another scowl on the face of
+my offspring and another threepence on that of the cabman's clock.</p>
+
+<p>I was maddened now, and Suzanne sought to restrain me; but I shook
+her off violently and went on again <i>da capo</i>, and was just giving
+vent for about the seventeenth time to a particularly excruciating "pop"
+when the door of the studio opened and a benevolent-looking old
+gentleman entered. He gazed at us all in wonderment, and, overcome by
+mingled shame and exhaustion, I sank into a chair and popped no
+more.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, Mr. Snapper," said Mr. Klick, "we were just trying to get this
+young gentleman amused."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Snapper, who, I should imagine, was the adenoid victim, looked
+first at me and next at Timothy, and then blew his nose vigorously. It
+was not an ordinary blast, but had a peculiarly musical <i>timbre</i>,
+very much like the note of a mouth-organ. It certainly attracted
+Timothy's attention, for he at once looked round and the glimmer of a
+smile appeared upon his tear-stained face.</p>
+
+<p>"That's it!" cried Barbara excitedly. "Do it again."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, <i>please</i> do," entreated Suzanne.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Snapper, adenoids or no adenoids, was a sportsman. He quickly
+understood what was required of him and blew his nose again and again.
+And with each blow Timothy's smile became wider, the dimples grew
+deeper, and Mr. Klick at the camera was pushing in and pulling out
+plates for all he was worth. At last Mr. Snapper could blow no more, and
+with profuse thanks we gathered ourselves, together and departed. On our
+arrival home the cabman, fortunately, was induced to accept a cheque in
+payment.</p>
+
+<p>The photographs have turned out a great success. One in particular,
+which shows the first smile breaking through Timothy's tears, is of a
+very happy character, and Mr. Snapper has asked and received permission
+to send it to the illustrated Press under the title, "Sunshine and
+Shower"; and Aunt Caroline has not only been given a copy, <i>but has
+had it framed</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Now, when I am called upon to produce a laugh from Timothy, I no
+longer make faces or "pop." I have discovered how to blow my nose like a
+mouth-organ. It's trying work, but the effect is magical.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<div class='i-flright' style='width:345px;
+padding-left:1em;
+margin-left:1em;'>
+
+<a href='images/i-329.png'>
+<img src='images/i-329th.png' alt='' title='Click for larger
+image' width='345' height='500' />
+</a>
+<p class='smcap center'>"Y' ever had a barf, Billy?"</p>
+<p class='smcap center'>"Yus, I onst fell in the Serpentine."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Redintegratio Amoris.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Public is hereby notified that myself and my Wife
+Millicent &mdash;&mdash; is together again. I got hasty and advertised
+her with no just cause. <span class='smcap'>Fitz</span>
+&mdash;&mdash;."&mdash;<cite>West Indian Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"This telegram had been preceded by others, which were,
+unfortunately, contrary to instructions at the Post Office, delivered at
+this office, which was closed, and, therefore, not
+opened."&mdash;<cite>Irish Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>That, of course, would be so.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"At a meeting of the Child Study Society on Thursday,
+April 29th, at 6 p.m., Sir A. E. Shipley, G.B.E., D.Sc., F.R.S., will
+give a lecture, illustrated by lantern slides, on biting insects and
+children."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><cite>British Medical Journal.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And we had always thought him such a kind man!</p>
+
+<hr  />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></p>
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:700px'>
+<a href='images/i-330.png'>
+<img src='images/i-330th.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image' width='700' height='525' />
+</a>
+
+<p><i>Gloomy Artist.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Yes, I gave her all my
+last year's sketches for her jumble-sale in the East-End. Told her to
+get rid of them for anything she liked&mdash;half-a-crown or a couple of
+bob</span>&mdash;&mdash;" (<i>Pauses for exclamations of horror at the
+sacrifice.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Friend.</i> "<span class='smcap'>And did they sell</span>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>THE MINXIAD.</h2>
+
+<p class='subtitle'>(<i>Being the scenario of a modern doggerel Epic.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class='poem'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>The</span> lady I choose for the theme of my
+lay<br />
+Is a portent "conspicuous even to-day,"<br />
+For, though she was freely condemned and abhorred,<br />
+She was never suppressed and she can't be ignored.
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Her parents, most anxious to give a good time<br />
+To their children, if only they helped them to climb,<br />
+Unconsciously aiding the new Self-Expression<br />
+Left all from the start to their daughter's discretion.<br />
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+No nurse was allowed to rebuke her or warn her,<br />
+No governess put her to stand in a corner;<br />
+At six she revealed a peculiar joy<br />
+In the taste of old brandy, and dressed like a boy;<br />
+At eight she had
+read <span
+class='smcap'>Casanova</span>, <span class='smcap'>Cellini</span>,<br />
+And driven a toasting-fork into a tweeny;<br />
+At ten she indited and published a story<br />
+Described by <i>The Leadenhall News</i> as "too gory."<br />
+One governess after another was tried,<br />
+But none of them stopped and one suddenly died.<br />
+Then she went for a while to a wonderful school<br />
+Which was run on the plan of the late
+Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Boole</span>;
+<br /> But no "ethical safeguards" could ever restrain<br />
+So impulsive a heart and so fertile a brain;<br />
+And a fire, for the kindling of which she was held<br />
+Responsible, led to her being expelled.
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+On the strength of her fine pyromaniac rage<br />
+For a season or two she appeared on the stage;<br />
+Her dancing was crude and her voice was a blank,<br />
+But she carried it off by superlative swank,<br />
+And married a swarthy and elderly milli-<br />
+Onaire who was killed in an earthquake in Chile.<br />
+A militant during the Suffrage campaign,<br />
+In the War she adopted the cause of Sinn Fein,<br />
+And, according to credible witness, was seen<br />
+In the thick of the fighting at Easter, '16.<br />
+Escaping arrest by a dexterous dodge<br />
+She became a disciple of <span class='smcap'>Oliver Lodge</span>,<br />
+Gave lectures on Swedish and Swiss callisthenics,<br />
+Eurhythmics (<span class='smcap'>Dalcroze</span>) and Ukrainian
+eugenics.<br />
+Last, married in haste to a Bolshevist don,<br />
+She dyed her hair green and was painted
+by <span class='smcap'>John</span>,<br />
+Eloped with a squat anthropophagous Dago<br />
+And finds a fit home in Tierra del Fuego.
+</div>
+</div><!-- end .poem -->
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h3>"TEMPERANCE WOMEN OF ALL LANDS.</h3>
+
+<p class='subtitle'>ONE PROPOSES KNEELING OUTSIDE HOUSE OF COMMONS."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><i>"Star" Headlines.</i></p>
+
+<p>We have read the article carefully, but the Member to whom this
+Leap-Year proposal was made is not mentioned.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>&#160;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg
+331]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg
+332]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:456px;'>
+<a href='images/i-332.png'>
+<img src='images/i-332th.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image' width='456' height='600' />
+</a>
+
+<h3>IN A CUSHY CAUSE.</h3>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Over-shorn Sheep</span>. "OH, SO <i>THAT'S</i>
+WHERE IT GOES TO, IS IT?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg
+333]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Monday, April 19th.</i>&mdash;Primrose day in the House of Commons
+was more honoured in the breach than the observance. Barely a dozen
+Members sported Lord <span class='smcap'>Beaconfield's</span> favourite
+flower (for salads), and one of them found himself so uncomfortably
+conspicuous that shortly after the proceedings opened he furtively
+transferred his buttonhole to his coat-pocket. Among those who remained
+faithful were Lord <span class='smcap'>Lambourne</span> (in the Peers'
+Gallery), who had for this occasion substituted a posy of primroses for
+his usual picotee, and, quaintly enough,
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Hogge</span>, who had not hitherto been
+suspected of Disraelian sympathies.</p>
+
+<div class='i-flright' style='width:293px;'>
+<a href='images/i-333a.png'>
+<img src='images/i-333ath.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image' width='293' height='400' />
+</a>
+<div class='poem'>
+"A primrose by a river's brim<br />
+A yellow primrose was to him<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And it was nothing more."</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Mr. <span class='smcap'>Hogge</span> had not hitherto
+been suspected of Disraelian sympathies."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>For a Budget-day the attendance was smaller than usual. But it was
+large enough to prevent Mr. <span class='smcap'>Billing</span> from
+securing his usual seat. The <span class='smcap'>Speaker</span>,
+however, did not smile upon his suggestion that he should occupy one of
+the vacant places on the Front Opposition Bench, and curtly informed him
+that there was plenty of room in the Gallery. Thither
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Billing</span> betook himself, and thence he
+addressed a question which Mr. <span class='smcap'>Hope</span>, the
+Minister concerned, was unable to catch, his ears not being attuned to
+sounds from that altitude.</p>
+
+<p>Otherwise Question-time was chiefly remarkable for the loud and
+continued burst of cheering from the Coalition benches which greeted
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Will Thorne's</span> suggestion (<i>&agrave;
+propos</i> of <span class='smcap'>Lenin's</span> industrial
+conscription) that "it would be a very good thing to make all the idlers
+in this country work." Mr. <span class='smcap'>Thorne</span> seemed
+quite embarrassed by the popularity of his proposal, which did not,
+however, appear to arouse the same enthusiasm among his colleagues of
+the Labour Party.</p>
+
+<p>It was four o'clock when Mr. <span class='smcap'>Chamberlain</span>
+rose to "open the Budget" (he clings to that old-fashioned phrase), and
+just after six when he completed a speech which
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Asquith</span> (himself an ex-Chancellor of the
+Exchequer) justly praised for its lucidity and comprehensiveness.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Chamberlain</span> could not on this occasion
+congratulate himself (as his predecessors were wont to do) on the
+accuracy of his forecasts. He had two shots last year, in Spring and
+Autumn, but both times was many millions out in his calculations.
+Fortunately all the mistakes were on the right side, and he came out
+with a surplus of one hundred and sixty-four millions (about as much as
+the whole revenue of the country when first he went to the Exchequer) to
+devote to the redemption of debt.</p>
+
+<p>But that did not content him. For an hour by the clock he piled up
+the burdens on the taxpayer. His arguments were not always consistent.
+It is not quite easy to see why, because ladies have taken to smoking
+cigarettes, an extra heavy duty should be imposed on imported cigars; or
+how the appearance of "a new class of champagne-drinkers" justifies a
+further tax upon the humble consumer of "dinner-claret."</p>
+
+<p>Nor is it easy to follow the process of reasoning by which
+the <span class='smcap'>Chancellor</span> convinced himself that the
+Excess Profits Tax, which last year he described as a great deterrent to
+enterprise and industry, only, justifiable as "a temporary measure,"
+should now be not merely continued but increased by fifty per cent.</p>
+
+<div class='i-flleft' style='width:302px'>
+<a href='images/i-333b.png'>
+<img src='images/i-333bth.png' alt='' title='Click for
+larger image' width='302' height='400' />
+</a>
+
+<p><i>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Chamberlain</span>.</i>
+"<span class='smcap'>I don't care what anybody says about this blooming
+tree (I use the epithet in its literal sense); I shall let it keep on
+for another year</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>This proposal seemed to excite more hostility than any other. But the
+single taxers were annoyed by the final disappearance of the Land Values
+Duties (the only original feature of Mr. <span class='smcap'>Lloyd
+George's</span> epoch-making first Budget).
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Raffan</span> pictured their author being
+dragged at the Tory chariot-wheels, and
+Dr. <span class='smcap'>Murray</span> observed that the land-taxes were
+evidently not allowed "on the other side of the Rubicon."</p>
+
+<p>The general view was that the Government had shown courage in
+imposing fresh taxation, but would have saved themselves and the country
+a great deal of trouble if they had been equally bold in reducing
+expenditure.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, April 20th.</i>&mdash;When a local band at Cologne
+recently played the "Wacht am Rhein" the British officers present stood
+up, on the ground (as they explained to a surprised German)
+that <i>they</i> were now the Watch on the Rhine. But are they?
+According to Colonel <span class='smcap'>Burn</span> the Army of the
+Rhine is now so short of men that it is compelled to employ German
+civilians as batmen, clerks and even telephone-operators; and
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Churchill</span> was fain to admit that it would
+not surprise him to hear that "some assistance has been derived from the
+local population."</p>
+
+<p>The Carnarvonshire police are peeved because they are not allowed to
+belong to any secret society except the Freemasons, and consequently are
+debarred from membership of the Royal Ante-diluvian Order of Buffaloes.
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Shortt</span> disclaimed responsibility, but it
+is expected that the Member for the Carnarvon Boroughs, who is
+notoriously sympathetic to Ante-diluvians (is not his
+motto <i>Apr&egrave;s moi le d&eacute;luge</i>?), will take up the
+matter on his return from San Remo.</p>
+
+<p>Having had time to consider the Budget proposals in detail
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Asquith</span> was less complimentary and more
+critical. Good-humoured chaff of the <span class='smcap'>Prime
+Minister</span> on the demise of the Land Values Duties before they had
+yielded the "rare and refreshing fruits" promised ten years ago, was
+followed by a reasoned condemnation of the proposed increase in the wine
+duties, which he believed would diminish consumption and cause
+international complications with our Allies.
+The <span class='smcap'>Chancellor</span>, again, had thought too much
+of revenue and too little of economy. He urged him&mdash;in a
+magnificent mixture of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334"
+id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span> metaphors&mdash;to cut away those
+parasitic excrescences upon the normal administrative system of the
+country which now constituted an open tap.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, April 21st.</i>&mdash;The abolition of the
+Guide-lecturer at Kew Gardens was deplored by
+Lord <span class='smcap'>Sudeley</span> and other Peers. But as,
+according to Lord <span class='smcap'>Lee</span>, out of a million
+visitors last year only five hundred listened to the Guide&mdash;an
+average of less than three per lecture&mdash;the Government can hardly
+be blamed for saving a hundred pounds. Retrenchment, after all, must
+begin somewhere.</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class='smcap'>Donald Maclean</span> cannot have heard of
+this signal example of Government economy or he would not have denounced
+Ministers so vehemently for their extravagance. His most specific charge
+was that in Mesopotamia they were "spending money like water in looking
+for oil."</p>
+
+<p>In a further defence of the Budget proposals
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Chamberlain</span> disclaimed the notion that it
+was the duty of the Chancellor of the Exchequer to denounce in the House
+the Estimates which he had approved in Cabinet. His business was to find
+the money. Circumstances had altered his attitude to the Excess Profits
+Duty, and he was now determined to stick to it. Did not a cynic once say
+that nothing succeeds like excess?</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Barnes</span>, who was loudly cheered on his
+return to the House, joined in the cry for economy. "Some departments,"
+he declared, "existed only because they had existed."</p>
+
+<p>The country clergy are without doubt the most over-rated persons in
+the country&mdash;I mean, of course, from a fiscal point of view.
+Consequently the House gave a friendly reception to a Bill intended to
+relieve them of some of their pecuniary burdens.</p>
+
+<div class='i-flright' style='width:368px'>
+<a href='images/i-334.png'>
+<img src='images/i-334th.png' alt='' title='Click for larger
+ image' width='368' height='450' />
+</a>
+
+<p>"If, as appears to be the case, it is for the moment more or less
+decently interred, its epitaph should be not <i>Reguiescat</i>
+but <i>Resurget</i>" (cheers).</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Asquith</span> on the Land Values
+Duties.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, April 22nd.</i>&mdash;When Dr.
+<span class='smcap'>Macnamara</span> was Secretary to the Admiralty no
+Minister was clearer or more direct in his answers. Now that he has
+become Minister he has laid aside his quarter-deck manner and adopted
+tones of whispering humbleness which hardly reach the Press Gallery.</p>
+
+
+<p>He ought to take example fro Mr.
+<span class='smcap'>Stanton</span>, who never leaves the House in doubt
+as to what he means. This afternoon, his purpose was to announce that a
+certain "Trio" on the Opposition Benches was in league with the forces
+of disorder. "Bolshies!" he shouted in a voice that frightened the
+pigeons in Palace Yard.</p>
+
+<p>Later in the evening Mr. <span class='smcap'>Stanton</span> indicated
+that unless the salaries of Members of Parliament were raised he should
+have seriously to consider the question of returning to his old trade of
+a coal-hewer, at which I gathered he could make much more money with an
+infinitely smaller exertion of lung-power.</p>
+
+<p>The vote for Agriculture and Fisheries was supported by Sir
+A. <span class='smcap'>Griffith-Boscawen</span> in a speech crammed full
+of miscellaneous information. We learned that the Minister once smoked a
+pipe of Irish tobacco, and said "Never Again"; that the slipper-limpet,
+formerly the terror of the oyster-beds had now by the ingenuity of his
+Department been transformed into a valuable source of poultry-food, and
+that the roundabout process by which the Germans in bygone days imported
+eel-fry from the Severn for their own rivers, and then exported the
+full-grown fish for the delectation of East-end dinner-tables, had been
+done away with. In the matter of eels this country is now
+self-supporting.</p>
+
+<hr class='half class' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The stock markets showed a good deal of uncertainty this
+morning and dealers marked prices lower in many cases to protect
+themselves against possible sales on the Budget proposals, particularly
+the excess profits duty and the corruption tax."&mdash;<cite>Provincial
+Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class='smcap'>Chamberlain</span> omitted to mention the
+last-named impost, but no doubt that was his artfulness.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.</h2>
+
+<p class='smcap subtitle'>"The Bear-Garden."</p>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>The</span> authors of the guide-books have
+signally failed to discover the really interesting parts of Law-land. I
+have looked through several of these works and not one of them refers,
+for example, to the "Bear-Garden," which is the place where the
+preliminary skirmishes of litigation are carried out. The Bear-Garden is
+the name given to it by the legal profession, so I am quite in order in
+using the title. In fact, if you want to get to it, you <i>have</i> to
+use that title. The proper title would be something like "the place
+where Masters in Chambers function at half-past one;" but, if you go
+into the Law Courts and ask one of the attendants where that is, he will
+say, rather pityingly, "Do you mean the <i>Bear-Garden</i>?" and you
+will know at once that you have lost caste. Caste is a thing you should
+be very careful of in these days, so the best thing is to ask for the
+Bear-Garden straightaway.</p>
+
+<p>It is in the purlieus of the Law Courts and very hard to find. It is
+up a lot of very dingy back-staircases and down a lot of very dingy
+passages. The Law Courts are like all our public buildings. The parts
+where the public is allowed to go are fairly respectable, if not
+beautiful, but the purlieus and the basements and the upper floors are
+scenes of unimaginable dinginess and decay. The Law Courts' purlieus are
+worse than the Houses of Parliament's purlieus, and it seems to me that
+even more disgraceful things are done in them. It only shows you the
+danger of Nationalisation.</p>
+
+<p>On the way to the Bear-Garden you pass the King's Remembrancer's This
+is the man who reminds <span class='smcap'>His Majesty</span> about
+people's birthdays; and in a large family like that he must be kept
+busy. Not far from the King's Remembrancer there is a Commissioner for
+Oaths; you can go into his room and have a really good swear for about
+half-a-crown. This is cheaper than having it in the street&mdash;that
+is, if you are a gentleman; for by the Profane Oaths Act, 1745, swearing
+and cursing are punishable by a fine of one shilling for every
+day-labourer, soldier or seaman; two shillings for every other person
+under the degree of a gentleman; and five shillings for every person of
+or above the degree of a gentleman. This is not generally known. The
+Commissioner of Oaths is a very broad-minded man, and there is literally
+no limit to what you may swear before him.
+The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg
+335]</a></span> only thing is that he insists on your filing it before
+you actually say it. This may cause delay; so that if you are feeling
+particularly strongly about anything it is probably better to have it
+out in the street and risk being taken for a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>There are a number of other interesting functionaries on the way to
+the Bear-Garden; but we must get on. When you have wandered about in the
+purlieus for a long time you will hear a tremendous noise, a sort of
+combined snarling and roaring and legal conversation. When you hear
+that, you will know that you are very near the bears. They are all
+snarling and roaring in a large preliminary arena, where the bears
+prepare themselves for the struggle; all round it are smaller cages or
+aren&aelig;, where the struggles take place. If possible you ought to go
+early, so that you can watch the animals massing. Lawyers, as I have had
+occasion to observe before, are the most long-suffering profession in
+the country, and the things they do in the Bear-Garden they have to do
+in the luncheon-hour, or rather in the luncheon half-hour, between
+half-past one and two.</p>
+
+<p>This accounts perhaps for the extreme frenzy of the proceedings. They
+hurry in a frenzy up the back-stairs about 1.25, and they pace up and
+down in a frenzy till half-past one. There are all sorts of bears, most
+of them rather seedy old bears, with shaggy and unkempt coats. These are
+solicitors' clerks, and they all come straight out
+of <span class='smcap'>Dickens</span>. They have shiny little
+private-school handbags, each inherited, no doubt, through a long line
+of ancestral solicitors' clerks; and they all have the draggled sort of
+moustache that tells you when it is going to rain. While they are pacing
+up and down the arena they all try to get rid of these moustaches by
+pulling violently at alternate ends; but the only result is to make it
+look more like rain than ever.</p>
+
+<p>Some of the bears are robust old bears, with well-kept coats and loud
+roars; these are solicitors' clerks too, only better fed; or else they
+are real solicitors. And a few of the bears are perky young
+creatures&mdash;in barrister's robes, either for the first time, when
+they look very self-conscious, or for the second time, when they look
+very self-confident. All the bears are telling each other about their
+cases. They are saying, "We are a deceased wife's sister suing <i>in
+forma pauperis</i>," or "I am a discharged bankrupt, three times
+convicted of perjury, but I am claiming damages under the Diseases of
+Pigs Act, 1862," or "You are the crew of a merchant-ship and we are the
+editor of a newspaper." Just at first it is rather disturbing to hear
+snatches of conversation like that, but there is no real cause for
+alarm; they are only identifying themselves with the interests of their
+clients; and, when one realises that, one is rather touched.</p>
+
+<p>At long last one of the keepers at the entrance to the small cages
+begins to shout very loudly. It is not at all clear what he is shouting,
+but apparently it is the pet-names of the bears, for there is a wild
+rush for the various cages. Across the middle of the cage a stout
+barricade has been erected, and behind the barricade sits the Master,
+pale but defiant. Masters in Chambers are barristers who have not got
+proper legal faces, and have had to give up being ordinary barristers on
+that account; in the obscurity and
+excitement<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg
+336]</a></span> of the Bear-Garden nobody notices that their faces are
+all wrong. The two chief bears rush at the Master and the other bears
+jostle round them, egging them on. When they see that they cannot get at
+the Master they begin snarling. One of them snarls quietly out of a long
+document about the Statement of Claim. He throws a copy of this at the
+Master, and the Master tries to get the hang of it while the bear is
+snarling; but the other bear is by now beside himself with rage, and he
+begins putting in what are called interlocutory snarls, so that the
+Master gets terribly confused, though he doesn't let on.</p>
+
+<p>By-and-by all pretence of formality and order is put aside and the
+battle really begins. At this stage of the proceedings the rule is that
+no fewer than two of the protagonists must be roaring at the same time,
+of which one must be the Master. But the more general practice is for
+all three of them to roar at the same time. Sometimes, it is true, by
+sheer roar-power the Master succeeds in silencing one of the bears for a
+moment, but he can never be said to succeed in cowing a bear. If anybody
+is cowed it is the Master. Meanwhile the lesser bears press closer and
+closer, pulling at the damp ends of their rainy moustaches and making
+whispered suggestions for new devilries in the ears of the chief bears,
+who nod their heads emphatically but don't pay any attention.</p>
+
+<p>The final stage is the stage of physical violence, when the chief
+bears lean over the barricade and shake their paws at the Master; they
+think they are only making legal gestures, but the Master knows very
+well that they are getting out of hand; he knows then that it is time he
+threw them a bun. So he says a soothing word to each of them and runs
+his pen savagely through almost everything on their papers. The bears
+growl in stupefaction and rage, and take deep breaths to begin again.
+But meanwhile the keeper has shouted for a fresh set of bears, who surge
+wildly into the room. The old bears are swept aside and creep out,
+grunting. What the result of it all is I don't know. Nobody knows. But
+the new bears&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>[<span class='smcap'>Editor</span>.&mdash;I am much bored
+with this.</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><span class='smcap'>Author</span>.&mdash;Oh, very
+well.]</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:700px;'>
+<a href='images/i-336.png' style='width:700px'>
+<img src='images/i-336th.png' alt='' title='Click for larger
+image' width='700' height='470' />
+</a>
+
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class='smcap'>At two o'clock
+this morning, Mary, we were wakened by loud knocking, and your master
+went down and found it was a policeman, who told him the pantry window
+was open.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Oh, 'e did, did 'e? 'Ad 'e red
+'air? I'll larn 'm to go 'ammerin' at decent people's door in the middle
+of the night just because I wouldn't go to the pictures with 'im last
+Friday. Imperence!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<p>From the directions on an omnibus ticket:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Passengers are requested not to stand on top of the Bus
+back seats for smoking."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This is a thing we never do.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p class='center subtitle'>"<span class='smcap'>Mary Rose</span>."</p>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Of</span> course nobody could possibly suspect
+Sir <span class='smcap'>James Barrie</span> of plagiarising (save from
+himself), yet it will explain something of the atmosphere of <i>Mary
+Rose</i> if I say that it is a story with such a theme as that admirable
+ghostmonger, the Provost of Eton, would whole-heartedly
+approve&mdash;thrilling, sinister, inconclusive&mdash;with (shall I
+say?) just a dash of Sir <span class='smcap'>Arthur Conan Doyle</span>
+in his other-worldly mood to bring it well into the movement. Naturally
+the variations are sheer <span class='smcap'>Barrie</span> and of the
+most adroit.</p>
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:403px; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em;'>
+<a href='images/i-336b.png'>
+<img src='images/i-336bth.png' alt='' title='Click for larger
+image' width='403' height='500' />
+</a>
+
+<p>THE BOY WHO WOULD GROW UP FASTER THAN HIS MOTHER.</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>Mary Rose</i> . . . <span class='smcap'>Miss Fay
+Compton</span>.<br />
+<i>Harry</i> . . . .   <span class='smcap'>Mr. Robert Loraine</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Mary Rose</i> is in fact a girl who couldn't grow up, because
+whenever she visited a little mystery island in the Outer Hebrides
+"they" who lived in a "lovely, lovely, lovely" vague world beyond these
+voices would call her vaguely (to Mr. <span class='smcap'>Norman
+O'Neill's</span> charming music), and she would as vaguely return with
+no memory of what had passed and no change in her physical condition.
+This didn't matter so much when, as a mere child, she disappeared for
+thirty days; but when, mother of an incomparable heir of two, she was
+rapt away in the middle of a picnic for twenty-five years, and returned
+to find a husband, mother and father inexplicably old and changed, and
+dreadfully silent about her babe&mdash;well, you see for yourself how
+hopeless everything was. As if there were not enough real tragedy in the
+world and it were necessary to invent!</p>
+
+<p>I don't think it fair to tell you any more. You shouldn't suffer
+these thrills at second-hand. But I can say that, in spite of making it
+a point of professional honour to try to keep a warm spine and check the
+unbidden tear from trickling down my nose (which makes you look such an
+ass before a cynical colleague during the intervals), I was beaten in
+both attempts. The "effects" were astonishingly well contrived by both
+author and producer (Mr. <span class='smcap'>Holman Clark</span>). You
+were not let down at the supreme moment by a hurried shuffle of dimly
+seen forms or the click of an electrician's gear suggesting too solid
+flesh. The house was in a queer way stunned by the poignancy of the last
+scene between the young ghost-mother and the long-sought unrecognised
+son, and had to shake itself before it could reward with due applause
+the fine playing of as perfect a cast as I have seen for a long time.
+There's no manner of doubt that Sir <span class='smcap'>James</span>
+"got it over" (as they say) all right.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class='smcap'>Fay Compton</span> makes astonishing
+strides. Her <i>Mary Rose</i> had adorable shy movements, caresses,
+intonations, wistfulnesses. These were traits of <i>Mary Rose</i>, not
+tricks of Miss <span class='smcap'>Compton</span>. And they escaped
+monotony&mdash;supreme achievement in the difficult circumstances.
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Robert Loraine</span> in the
+doubled <i>r&ocirc;les</i> of <i>Mary Rose's</i> husband and son, showed
+a very fine skill in his differentiation of the husband's character in
+three phases of time and development, and of the son's, with its family
+likeness and individual variation. Mr. <span class='smcap'>Ernest
+Thesiger</span>, who seems to touch nothing he does not adorn, gave a
+fine rendering of as charming a character as ever came out of the
+<span class='smcap'>Barrie</span> box&mdash;the superstitious, learned,
+courteous crofter's son, student of Aberdeen University, temporary
+boatman and (later) minister. He did his best incidentally, by rowing
+away without casting off, to corroborate the local legend that the queer
+little island sometimes disappeared. Miss <span class='smcap'>Mary
+Jerrold</span> was just the perfect <span class='smcap'>Barrie</span>
+mother (of <i>Mary Rose</i>). Mr. <span class='smcap'>Arthur
+Whitby's</span> parson, Mr. <span class='smcap'>Norman Forbes'</span>
+squire, Miss <span class='smcap'>Jean Cadell's</span> housekeeper, left
+no chinks in their armour for a critic's spleenful arrow.</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>T.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"It was one of those perfect June nights that so seldom
+occur except in August."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>&mdash;&mdash; <cite>Magazine.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The result of Daylight-saving, no doubt.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg
+337]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:547px;'>
+<a href='images/i-337.png'>
+<img src='images/i-337th.png' alt='' title='Click for larger
+image' width='547' height='700' />
+</a>
+
+<h3>THE AGE OF UNREST.</h3>
+
+<p>GRANDMAMMA, WHO HAS BEEN THWARTED, GOES ON HUNGER-STRIKE.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg
+338]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:700px'>
+<a href='images/i-338.png'>
+<img src='images/i-338th.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image' width='700' height='401' />
+</a>
+
+<p>SHOCK OF A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW WHEN HE PERCEIVES THAT HIS
+RESCUER IS A PUSSYFOOT.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>THE CONNOISSEUR.</h2>
+
+<div class='poem'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+No more to bits of china (though I love it),<br />
+<span class='in1em'>To coloured prints no more my fancy roams,</span><br />
+Or all the works of art I used to covet<br />
+<span class='in3em'>In other people's homes.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Old first editions, Sheffield plate and brasses,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Weapons of <span class='smcap'>Cromwell's</span> time and coats of mail,</span><br />
+Gate-tables, <span class='smcap'>Queen Anne</span> chairs and aught that passes<br />
+<span class='in3em'>For craft of <span class='smcap'>Chippendale</span>&mdash;</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Such things no more I spend my hard-earned cash on<br />
+<span class='in1em'>(Fain though the spirit be, the purse is weak);</span><br />
+Yet strong within me burns the ruling passion<br />
+<span class='in3em'>For anything antique.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+To haunt the sales for "finds" no more my job is;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>I've found at length, to satisfy my bent,</span><br />
+A wider sphere for this my last of hobbies,<br />
+<span class='in3em'>Which costs me not a cent;</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Where I can see my friends possess the treasure<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Their souls desire, nor envy them for that;</span><br />
+My game's to scan my fellow-man at leisure<br />
+<span class='in3em'>Divested of his hat;</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Among my own coevals, whom at last Time<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Is taking by the locks at forty-nine,</span><br />
+Searching (a quaint but inexpensive pastime)<br />
+<span class='in3em'>For balder heads than mine.</span>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>HINTS ON ADVERTISING.</h2>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>In</span> the belief that the numerous signs and
+notices, such as those containing warnings and advice to the public,
+with which the eye is so familiar, might be employed as
+suitable <i>media</i> for commercial advertisement, the following
+suggestions are offered for what they are worth:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<div class='box'>
+<b class='u'>LIFT NOT WORKING.</b><br />
+When you walk upstairs<br />
+be sure your boots are<br />
+shod with PUSSYFOOT<br />
+Rubber Heels.
+</div>
+
+<div class='box'>
+<b class='u'>TO STOP THE TRAIN PULL<br />
+DOWN THE CORD.</b>
+<br />
+Then light a NAVY LIST Cigarette.<br />
+<br />
+That alone is worth the &pound;5.
+</div>
+
+<div class='box'>
+<b class='u'>STICK NO BILLS.</b><br />
+It's not your job.<br />
+Let STIKKOTINE do it.<br />
+<br />
+Sticks anything.
+</div>
+
+<div class='box'>
+<b class='u'>THIS RACK IS PROVIDED FOR<br />
+LIGHT ARTICLES ONLY.</b><br />
+<br />
+If your baby is a GLOXO baby<br />
+keep it on your knee.<br />
+<br />
+GLOXO builds <i>bulky</i> bairns.
+</div>
+
+<div class='box'>
+<b class='u'>KEEP OFF THE GRASS.</b><br />
+Unless you are wearing<br />
+GUMBOODLE'S<br />
+Goloshes.<br />
+Won't wet feet.
+</div>
+
+<div class='box'>
+<b class='u'>BEWARE OF THE DOG.</b><br />
+Wait till he hears<br />
+HIS MASTER'S VOICE.
+</div>
+
+<div class='box'>
+<b class='u'>YOU MAY TELEPHONE FROM HERE.</b><br />
+Ring up your newsagent and order<br />
+your DAILY WAIL.<br />
+Billion Sale.<br />
+Order it now.<br />
+CHU CHIN CHOW.
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<blockquote><p class='center'>"CHARLES &mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class='center'>This week, <span class='smcap'>Driven From Home</span>.<br />
+Next week, <span class='smcap'>At Sea</span>."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'><cite>Daily Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Surely this pitiable case ought to be brought to the attention of the
+Actors' Benevolent Association.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg
+339]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:700px'>
+<a href='images/i-339.png'>
+<img src='images/i-339th.png' alt='' title='Click for
+larger image' width='700' height='489' />
+</a>
+
+<p class='center'><i>Epicurean.</i> "<span class='smcap'>Ah, you little realise how
+these April showers bring on the peas</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>I have</span> a mild grievance against that
+talented lady, Miss <span class='smcap'>Marjorie Bowen</span>, for
+labelling her latest novel "a romantic fantasy." Because, like all her
+other stories, <i>The Cheats</i> (<span class='smcap'>Collins</span>)
+moves with such an air of truth, its personages are so human, that I
+could delightfully persuade myself that it was all true, and that I had
+really shared, with a sometimes quickened pulse, the strange fortunes of
+the sombre young hero. But&mdash;fantasy! That is to show the strings
+and give away the whole game. However, if you can forget that, the coils
+of an admirably woven intrigue will grip your attention and sympathy
+throughout. The central figure is one <i>Jaques</i>, who comes to town
+as a penniless and love-lorn romantic, to be confronted with the
+revelation that he is himself the eldest son, unacknowledged but
+legitimate, of His Majesty <span class='smcap'>King Charles the
+Second</span>, then holding Court at Whitehall. It is from the plots and
+counter-plots, the machinations and subterfuges that follow that
+Miss <span class='smcap'>Bowen</span> justifies her title.
+Certainly <i>The Cheats</i> establishes her in my mind as our first
+writer of historical fiction. The character-drawing is admirable
+(especially of poor weak-willed vacillating <i>Jaques</i>, a wonderfully
+observed study of the <span class='smcap'>Stuart</span> temperament).
+More than ever, also, Miss <span class='smcap'>Bowen</span> might here
+be said to write her descriptions with a paint-brush; the whole tale
+goes by in a series of glowing pictures, most richly coloured. <i>The
+Cheats</i> is not a merry book; its treatment of the foolish heroine in
+particular abates nothing of grim justice; but of its art there can be
+no two opinions. I wish again that I had been allowed to believe in
+it.</p>
+
+<p>It must be unusual in war for a commander-in-chief to be regarded by
+his opponents with the respect and admiration that the British forces in
+East Africa felt towards
+<span class='smcap'>Von Lettow-Vorbeck</span>; from
+General <span class='smcap'>Smuts</span>, who congratulated him on his
+Order "Pour le M&eacute;rite," down to the British Tommy who promised to
+salute him "if ever 'e's copped." The fact that <span class='smcap'>Von
+Lettow</span> held out from August, 1914, till after the Armistice with
+a small force mainly composed of native askaris, and with hardly any
+assistance from overseas, is proof in itself of his organizing ability,
+his military leadership and his indomitable determination. As these are
+qualities which are valued by his late enemies his story of the
+campaign, <i>My Reminiscences of East Africa</i>
+(<span class='smcap'>Hurst and Blackett</span>), should appeal to a
+large public, especially as it is written on the whole in a sporting
+spirit and not without some sense of humour. His descriptions of the
+natural difficulties of the country and the methods he adopted for
+handling them are interesting and instructive. But in military matters
+his story is not altogether convincing; for if his "victories" were as
+"decisive" as he represents them how is it that they were followed
+almost invariably by retirement? The results are attributed in these
+pages to "slight mischances" or "unfavourable conditions" or merely to
+"pressure of circumstances." Would it not have been better, while he was
+about it, to claim boldly that he was luring us on? This is a question
+on which one naturally refers to the maps, and it is therefore all the
+more regrettable that these contain no scale of mileage, an omission
+which renders them almost meaningless. How many readers, for instance,
+will realise that German East Africa was almost twice the size of
+Germany? The translation on the whole is
+good,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg
+340]</a></span> though some phrases such as "the at times barely
+sufficient ration" are rather too redolent of the Fatherland.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>I see that on the title-page of his latest story Mr. W. E.
+<span class='smcap'>Norris</span> is credited with having already
+written two others (specified by name), etc. Much virtue in that "etc."
+I cannot therefore regard <i>The Triumphs of Sara</i>
+(<span class='smcap'>Hutchinson</span>) precisely as the work of a
+beginner, though it has a freshness and sense of enjoyment about it that
+might well belong to a first book rather than to&mdash;I doubt whether
+even Mr. <span class='smcap'>Norris</span> himself could say offhand
+what its number is.
+<i>Sara</i> and her circle are eminently characteristic of their
+creator. You have here the same well-bred well-to-do persons, pleasantly
+true to their decorous type, retaining always, despite modernity of
+clothes and circumstance, a gentle aroma of late Victorianism.
+Perhaps <i>Sara</i> is the most immediate of
+Mr.<span class='smcap'>Norris's</span> heroines so far. Her money-bags
+had been filled in Manchester, and from time to time in her history you
+are reminded of this circumstance. It explains much; though hardly her
+marriage with <i>Euan Leppington</i>, whose attraction apparently lay in
+being one of the few males of her acquaintance whom <i>Sara</i> did not
+find it fatally easy to bring to heel. Anyhow, after marriage she
+quickly grew bored to death of him; so much so that it required an
+attempt (badly bungled) by another woman to get <i>Euan</i> to elope
+with her, and a providential collapse of the very unwilling Lothario, to
+bring about that happy ending that my experience of kind
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Norris</span> has taught me to expect. I may add
+that he has never done anything more quietly entertaining than the
+frustrated elopement; the luncheon scene at the M&eacute;tropole,
+Brighton, between the angry but amused <i>Sara</i> and a husband
+incapacitated by rage, remorse and chill, is an especially well-handled
+little comedy of manners.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>Sir <span class='smcap'>Julian Corbett</span>, in writing the first
+volume of <i>Naval Operations</i> (<span class='smcap'>Longmans</span>),
+has carried the semi-official history of the War at sea only as far as
+the Battle of the Falklands; but if the other three or four
+volumes&mdash;the number is still uncertain&mdash;are to be as full of
+romance as this the complete work will be a library of adventure in
+itself. Hardly ever turning aside to praise or blame, he says with
+almost unqualified baldness a multitude of astounding
+things&mdash;things we half knew, or guessed, or longed to have
+explained, or dared not whisper, or, most of all, never dreamt of. Here
+is a gold-mine for the makers of boys' books of all future generations
+to quarry in. Think, for instance, of the liner
+<i>Ortega</i> shaking off a German cruiser by bolting into an uncharted
+tide-race near the Horn; or the <i>Southport</i>, left for
+disabled by her captors, crawling two thousand miles to
+safety with only half an engine; or the triumphant raider
+<i>Karlsruhe</i>, her pursuers baffled, full to the hatches with
+captured luxuries, bands playing, flags flying, suddenly blown up in
+mid-Atlantic. The game of hide-and-seek, as played by the <i>Emden</i>
+and her like, naturally figures very largely in a volume
+which <span class='smcap'>Henty</span> could hardly have bettered. The
+author's veracious narrative, leaving all picturesque detail to the
+imagination, gets home every time by the sheer weight of its material.
+The War in Home waters is no less fascinatingly reconstructed, and the
+case of maps contains in itself living epics for all who study them with
+understanding.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<p>In writing her second book Miss <span class='smcap'>Hilda M.
+Sharp</span> has allowed herself what is, I suspect, the lady novelist's
+greatest treat, the extraordinary achievement of using the first person
+singular and making it masculine. She has done it very well too, and I
+am happy to recall that, in another place, I was among the many who
+prophesied good concerning her future when she made
+her <i>d&eacute;but</i> as a novelist with <i>The Stars in their
+Courses</i> in Mr. <span class='smcap'>Fisher Unwin's</span> "First
+Novel Library." <i>A Pawn in Pawn</i> comes very properly from the same
+publisher. It has one of those plots which it is most particularly a
+reviewer's business, in the reader's own interest, not to reveal, but it
+is permissible to explain that the "pawn" of the title is a little girl
+adopted from an orphanage, where, as someone says, "the orphans aren't
+really orphans," by <i>Julian Tarrant</i>, whom a select circle
+acknowledged as the greatest poet that the last years of the nineteenth
+century produced. Miss
+<span class='smcap'>Sharp</span> earns my special admiration by getting
+through the inevitable description of the beginning of the Great War in
+fewer words than anybody whose attempt I have yet encountered, and
+steers throughout a pleasant course midway between a "bestseller" and a
+"high-brow." <i>Lydia</i>, the "pawn," is very charming, but quite
+possibly so, and though, of course, she must marry one of the three men
+interested in her adoption Miss <span class='smcap'>Sharp</span> will
+probably keep most of her readers, as she did me, in doubt as to which
+it is to be until quite the end of the book. I think that he may prove
+an acquired taste with most readers; but directly I found that he was
+apt to quote the reviews in <i>Punch</i> I realised that he was a man of
+discrimination and deserved his good luck.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<div class='i-center' style='width:364px'>
+<a href='images/i-340.png'>
+<img src='images/i-340th.png' alt='' title='Click for larger
+image' width='364' height='450' />
+</a>
+
+<p>"<span class='smcap'>Proper fed up wiv you, I am. Cry, cry, cry all
+day long. I'd 'it yer over the 'ead wiv the bottle if I wos a modern
+woman</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h3>An Urgent Request.</h3>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class='center'>"&mdash;&mdash; <span class='smcap'>Co-Operative
+Society, Ltd</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Members are requested to hand in their Share Pass Books for Audit
+Purposes to the Head Office on or before <span class='smcap'>at
+once</span>."&mdash;<cite>Local Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Rev. &mdash;&mdash; writes:&mdash;'I have a Cousin
+residing in the Transvaal who has been living on three plates of
+porridge made of &mdash;&mdash; for five years, and is well and strong
+on it.'"&mdash;<cite>South African Paper.</cite></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It sounds very sustaining.</p>
+
+<hr class='half'  />
+
+<p class='trnote'>Transcriber's Notes:<br /> Some illustrations have been
+moved from the physical page order to facilitate text formatting for
+this ebook.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+158, April 28, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, APRIL 28, 1920 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22653-h.htm or 22653-h.zip *****
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@@ -0,0 +1,2114 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158,
+April 28, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, April 28, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2007 [EBook #22653]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, APRIL 28, 1920 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+
+April 28, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+GENERAL DENIKIN is now in London. This is the first visit he has paid to
+this country since his last assassination by the Bolshevists.
+
+       * * *
+
+New proposals regarding telephone charges are expected as soon as the
+Select Committee has reported. If the system of charging by time in
+place of piece-work is adopted it will mean ruination to many
+business-men.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Swiss Government has issued orders that ex-monarchs may enter the
+country without passports. It is required, however, that they should
+take their places in the queue.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is reported that a Londonderry man walked up to a Sinn Feiner the
+other day and said, "Shoot me." We understand that the real reason why
+the fellow was not accommodated was that he omitted to say "Please." The
+best Sinn Feiners are very punctilious.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The drinking of intoxicants," says an American prohibitionist, "causes
+early death in ninety-five cases out of a hundred." Several Americans,
+we are informed, have gallantly offered themselves for experimental
+purposes.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is a scandal," says a contemporary, "that the clerks at Llanelly
+should ask for twelve pounds fifteen shillings a week." But surely there
+is no harm in asking.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to a weekly paper not only is CONSTANCE BINNEY a famous screen
+star, but she is also a first-class ukelele player. The latest reports
+are that the news has been received quietly.
+
+       * * *
+
+"If slightly cut before cooking, potatoes slip out of their skins
+easily," says a home journal. This is better than frightening them out
+of their skins by jumping out from behind a door and saying "Boo."
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. WILLIAM AIRD, the germ-proof man, has been giving demonstrations in
+London. It is reported that last week a germ snapped at him and broke
+off two of its teeth.
+
+       * * *
+
+"In New York the other day," says a contemporary, "the sky kept
+streaming silver sheen; mistlike lights pulsated in rapid flashes to the
+apex and piled-up stars could be seen." The fact that New York can still
+see things like this must be a sorry blow to the Prohibitionists.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Working men have been hit very hard by the tyrannical Budget,"
+announces a morning paper. We too are in sympathy with those miners who
+are now faced with only one bottle of champagne a day.
+
+       * * *
+
+"These cotton boom profits," said the President of the Textile Institute
+recently, "are abnormal and unhealthy." The Manchester man, however, who
+recently came out with innumerable spots resembling half-crowns as the
+result of the boom, declares that no inconvenience is suffered once the
+dizziness has passed away.
+
+       * * *
+
+From Bungay in Suffolk comes the news that a water-wagtail has built its
+nest in a milk-can. We resolutely refrain from comment.
+
+       * * *
+
+A youth recently arrested in Dublin was found not to have a revolver on
+him. He is being detained for a medical examination.
+
+       * * *
+
+A great many people are committing suicide, says the Vicar of St.
+Mathew's, Portsmouth, because they have nothing to live for. We
+disagree. _The Weekly Dispatch's_ accounts of the next world are well
+worth staying alive for.
+
+       * * *
+
+Airships under construction, declares Air-Commodore E. M. MAITLAND, will
+make the passage to Australia in nine and a-half days. In tax-paying
+circles it is said that the fashionable thing will be to start now and
+let the airship overtake you if it can.
+
+       * * *
+
+More than a million Americans, it is stated, are preparing to visit
+Europe this summer. It is thought that there is at least a sporting
+chance that some of them will be hoist with their own bacon.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The man who does not know Latin," says the Dean of DURHAM, "is not
+really educated." Several uneducated business men are said to have
+written to the DEAN asking the Latin for what they think of the new
+Budget.
+
+       * * *
+
+At a recent wedding in Tyrone young men who had come to wish the bride
+and bridegroom luck lit a fire against the door, blocked the chimney
+with straw, broke the windows, threw water and cayenne-pepper on the
+wedding-party and bombarded the house with stones for two hours. It is
+just this joyous, care-free nature of the Irish that the stolid
+Englishman will never learn to appreciate.
+
+       * * *
+
+We understand that the man who tried to gain admission to the Zoo on
+Sunday by making a noise like a Fellow of the Zoological Society was
+detected in the act.
+
+       * * *
+
+A person who recently attempted to commit suicide by lying down on the
+Caledonian Railway line was found to have a razor in one pocket and a
+bottle of laudanum in the other. The Company, we understand, strenuously
+deny the necessity of these alternatives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Lady_ (_to manager of Servants'
+    Registry_). "I WISH TO OBTAIN A NEW GOVERNESS."
+
+    _Manager._ "WELL, MADAM, YOU REMEMBER WE SUPPLIED YOU
+    WITH ONE ONLY LAST WEEK, BUT, JUDGING BY THE REPORT WE
+    HAVE RECEIVED, WHAT YOU REALLY NEED IS A LION-TAMER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Callous Crowd.
+
+    "The christening ceremony was performed by Lady Maclay,
+    wife of the Shipping Controller. Thousands of people saw
+    her go down the slips, and cheers were raised as she
+    took the water without the slightest hitch." _Daily
+    News._
+
+We gather from the expression, "without the slightest hitch," that not
+one of the onlookers made any effort to save the lady.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOUGHTS ON THE BUDGET.
+
+BY A PATRIOT.
+
+  THIS twelvemonth at the grindstone I have ground,
+    Toiling to meet the toll of profiteers,
+  And now comes AUSTEN, budgeting around,
+    "Comes the blind Fury with the abhorred shears"
+  (MILTON), and leaves me naked as a poodle,
+  Shorn--to the buff--of my laborious boodle.
+
+  I own it irks me little when he goes
+    For fancy weeds and wine of fizzy brands;
+  But I protest at parting through the nose
+    For what the meanest human life demands;
+  Nothing is sacred from his monstrous paw,
+  Not letters, no, nor even usquebaugh.
+
+  That beverage, which invites to balmy sleep
+    (Guerdon of toil), is on the upward ramp;
+  My harmless doggerel--in itself so cheap--
+    Despatched by post will want a larger stamp;
+  Nor have I any wives or children to
+  Abate the mulcting of my revenue.
+
+  But if you tell me I am asked to bleed
+    For England; if, by being rudely tapped,
+  My modest increment may help at need
+    To spare some Office which would else be scrapped;
+  If my poor fleece of wool by heavy cropping
+  Can save the Civil Estimates from dropping;--
+
+  If I can keep in comfortable ease
+    But one superfluous Staff for one week's play;
+  If from my squalor I may hope to squeeze
+    The wherewithal to check for half a day
+  The untimely razing of a single Hut--
+  'Tis well; I will not even murmur "Tut."
+
+    O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRYING DAY IN MEDIAEVAL TIMES.
+
+THE public torturer hurried home in an irritable frame of mind. The day
+had been for him one long round of annoyances. When he commenced his
+duties that morning, already exasperated by the thought that if the
+drought continued the produce of his tiny patch of ground would be
+completely ruined, he was aggrieved to find that far more than his fair
+share of a recently arrived batch of heretics had been allotted to him.
+During the midday break for refreshments his dreamy assistant had
+allowed the furnace to go out, bringing upon the torturer's own head a
+severe censure for the consequent delay. In the afternoon, glancing
+occasionally through the narrow window, he was mortified to see that the
+promising rain-clouds, which might yet have saved his cabbages, were
+dispersing; and then, to crown all, just as he was finishing for the day
+he had caught hold of a pair of pincers a trifle too near the white-hot
+end and seared his hand.
+
+As he approached the cottage which was enshrined in his heart by a
+thousand sacred associations as home, the torturer strove to rise
+superior to his worries. He whistled bravely as he crossed the threshold
+and caressed his wife with his usual tenderness. Intuitively she divined
+the bitterness of the mood which lay beneath the torturer's seeming
+cheerfulness, but she stifled her curiosity like the wise little woman
+she was and hastened to lay his supper before him. Through the progress
+of the meal--prepared by her in the way the torturer loved so well--she
+diverted him with her lively prattle. And at length, when she trod on
+the dog and caused it to give out a long-drawn howl, she made such a
+neat allusion to the Chamber and heretics that the torturer laughed till
+the tears streamed down his cheeks.
+
+After the table was cleared the torturer's little blue-eyed girl came
+toddling up to him for her usual half-hour's cuddle. It made a beautiful
+picture--the little mite with her father's merry eyes and her mother's
+rosebud mouth, sitting on the torturer's knee, her golden hair mingling
+with his beard. And how her silvery laugh brightened the place as she
+played her favourite game of stretching her rag doll on a toy model of a
+rack.
+
+The sound of rain outside brought the torturer and his wife to the door.
+As they stood side by side watching the downpour the last vestige of the
+torturer's ill-humour passed away. This rain would mean a record year
+for his cabbages, and would do wonders for his beans, which were already
+a long way more forward than those of the executioner.
+
+He realised now that he had allowed the mishaps of the day to worry him
+unduly. After all, his hand had suffered little more than a scorch and
+no longer pained him, and, although the censure he had received in the
+Chamber and the possible consequences had been very disquieting, yet he
+was now able to assure himself and his wife that if henceforth he kept
+his assistant from wool-gathering all would be well.
+
+Suddenly he fell back trembling from the threshold, his face blanched
+with terror. A large rain-drop had splashed on his forehead, reminding
+him abruptly that before coming home that evening he had neglected to
+fill the water-dripping apparatus, which might be required at dawn for
+the more obstinate of the heretics.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TALL TALK.
+
+THE fact that the Bishop-Elect of PRETORIA, the Rev. NEVILLE TALBOT, is
+no less than six feet six inches high, surpassing his predecessor by two
+inches, has been freely commented on in the Press. Anxious to ascertain
+from leaders of public opinion the true significance of the appointment,
+Mr. Punch has been at pains to collect their views. How divergent and
+even contradictory they are may be gathered from the following
+selection:--
+
+Sir MARTIN CONWAY, the Apostle of Altitude, as he has been recently
+denominated, welcomed the appointment of Bishop TALBOT as a good omen
+for the campaign which he is so ably conducting. "Nothing," he remarks,
+"has impressed me so much in the works of TENNYSON as the line, 'We
+needs must love the highest when we see it.' Mountain or building or
+man, it is all the same. I never felt so happy in all my travels in
+South America as when I was in Patagonia, the home of tall men and the
+giant sloth. At all costs we should recognise and cultivate the human
+skyscraper."
+
+The Bishop of HEREFORD (Dr. HENSLEY HENSON) expressed the hope that the
+appointment of bishops would not be governed solely by an anthropometric
+standard. It would be a misfortune if the impression were created that
+preferment to the episcopal bench was confined to High Churchmen.
+
+The Editor of _The Times_ declined to dogmatize on the subject. He
+pointed out however that the average height of the Yugo-Slavs exceeded
+that of the Welsh. The claims of small nations could not, of course, be
+overlooked, but he considered it as little short of a calamity when a
+Great Power had an undersized Prime Minister. Short men liked short
+cuts, but, as BACON said, the shortest way is commonly the foulest.
+
+Dr. ROBERT BRIDGES (the Poet-Laureate) writes to say that, having given
+special study to the hexameter, he was much interested to find that the
+measure now in vogue amongst bishops was that of six feet and over. He
+hoped to treat the subject exhaustively in his forthcoming treatise on
+Ecclesiastical Prosody.
+
+Colonel L. C. AMERY, M.P., strongly deprecated the attempt to identify
+excessive height with extreme efficiency. In the election to Fellowships
+at All Souls no height limit was imposed. NAPOLEON and the late Lord
+ROBERTS were both small men, and he believed that the remarkable
+elusiveness displayed by Colonel LAWRENCE in the War was greatly
+facilitated by his diminutive stature. The testimony of literature
+throughout the ages was almost unanimous in its condemnation of giants.
+He had never heard of a small ogre. On the subject of SHAKESPEARE'S
+height he could not speak with assurance, but KEATS was only just over
+five feet. Jumbomania, or the worship of mammoth dimensions, was a
+modern disease. Far better was the philosophy crystallised in such
+immortal sayings as "Love me little, love me long," and "Infinite riches
+in a little room."
+
+Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY, M.P., observed that, man being an imitative animal
+and bishops being regarded by many as good examples, there seemed to him
+a serious danger of an epidemic of what he might call Brobdingnagitis.
+Fortunately the results would not be immediately apparent, otherwise he
+would be compelled to raise his tariff for cheap suits. A rise of six
+inches in the average height of his customers would throw out all his
+calculations and eat up the modest margin of profit which he now allowed
+himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: A DISTURBER OF THE PEACE.
+
+    ENTENTE POLICEMAN (_to Germany Militant_). "ARE YOU
+    GOING TO TAKE THAT STUFF OFF OR MUST I DO IT FOR YOU?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Cafe Genius._ "THE FACT IS WE MAKE
+    OURSELVES TOO CHEAP. OF COURSE THE PUBLIC PAYS TO SEE
+    OUR PICTURES, BUT THE BLIGHTERS CAN COME AND SEE US FOR
+    NOTHING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The weather of the week has been characteristic of the
+    month. A dawn breaks with a fair sunset."--_Scotch
+    Paper._
+
+Of course this happens only very far North.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAFETY PLAY.
+
+(_According to local legend, Whitby Abbey possesses a ghost which only
+appears in a blaze of sunshine_).
+
+    MEN there may be so immune from timidity
+      Never a spectre could fill them with fright,
+    Men who could keep their accustomed placidity
+      Were they to meet in the gloom of the night
+    Lady Hermione tramping the corridor,
+      Wicked Sir Guy with his fetters adrag,
+    Or a plebeian who shrieked something horrid or
+      Carried his head in a vanity bag.
+
+    Not such am I. Every hair at the vertical,
+      I should resort to hysterical screams
+    Did a diaphanous Lady (or Sir) tickle
+      Me on the cheek in the midst of my dreams;
+    Yet when, at Yule, I hear people converse on all
+      Manner of spooks round the log in the grate,
+    Often I wish that I too had a personal
+      Psychic experience I could relate.
+
+    I am a coward when midnight looms murkily,
+      But when the sunlight of noon's at its best
+    I could face calmly--I'd even say perkily--
+      Nebulous figures as well as the rest;
+    So I'll to Whitby, and (on the hypothesis
+      That she'll obligingly come to me there)
+    Wait in its abbey (see text). By my troth, this is
+      Just such a ghost as I'm ready to dare.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASCULINE MODES.
+
+BY BEAU BRUMMEL.
+
+THE news that the price of lounge suits will have risen to twenty-four
+pounds by the autumn has created something of a sartorial panic in the
+City and the West End.
+
+Famous old wardrobes are being broken up on all sides by owners anxious
+to acquire fresh clothing before it is too late, whilst the small
+properties thus created find eager tenants amongst those who cannot
+afford a new outfit at all.
+
+Many tailors who have built new suits are beginning to dispose of them
+on three or five year repairing leases, and possession of these may
+sometimes be secured from the present occupiers on payment of a
+substantial premium.
+
+Gentlemen possessing both town and country sets of suitings are in many
+cases letting the latter in order to come up to London for the season,
+whilst others are resorting to various economical artifices to meet the
+crisis. Plus four golf knickers, let down, make admirable wedding
+trousers for a short man, and many are the old college blazers dyed
+black and doing duty as natty pea-jackets.
+
+In the City, of course, fustian and corduroys are almost the only wear,
+and there is much divergence of opinion on the Stock Exchange as to the
+best knot for spotted red neckerchiefs and the proper way of tying the
+difficult little bow beneath the knees.
+
+In Parliament, where of course the old costly fashions have long been
+out of vogue, the change is equally noticeable. Lord ROBERT CECIL, for
+instance, habitually wears the white canvas suit in which Mr. AUGUSTUS
+JOHN painted him; Lord BIRKENHEAD mounts the Woolsack in an old cassock,
+which, as he points out, not only allows a very scanty attire underneath
+it, but gives him particular confidence in elucidating St. Matthew;
+while the PRIME MINISTER himself set off for San Remo in a simple set of
+striped sackcloth dittos. Many Members are having their old pre-war
+morning coats turned; Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL in machine-gun overalls, Mr.
+MALLABY-DEELEY self-dressed, Sir EDWARD CARSON in a simple union suit,
+are conspicuous figures, and Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY by a whimsical yet
+thrifty fancy often attends the House in the humble attire of the Weaver
+in _A Midsummer Night's Dream_.
+
+Even in the Welsh collieries it is becoming the habit to go down the
+pits in rough home-spun, and reserving the top hat, morning coat and
+check trousers for striking in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Assistant._ "I'M AFRAID WE'RE RIGHT OUT
+    OF MOUSTACHE BRUSHES, SIR, BUT THAT'S AN EYEBROW BRUSH,
+    AND IT WOULD, I THINK, SERVE THE PURPOSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DENIKIN TIRED.
+
+    LOOKING FOR A LITTLE HOUSE IN ENGLAND."
+
+    _Evening Standard._
+
+The gallant General is not the only one who is worn out with this
+hopeless task.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir John Cadman, head of the British Oil Department,
+    has left Birmingham for San Remo."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Was this the last hope of restoring calm to the "troubled waters"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He has represented Lowestoft at St. Stephen's--one of
+    the most important fishing centres in the country--for
+    many years past."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+The House of Commons seems to have been confused with Izaak Walton
+Heath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LADIES' GOLF AT RANELAGH.
+
+    Miss ---- played badly and tore up her card as well as
+    many other ladies of note."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+But it is hoped that this method of thinning out the competitors will
+not be generally resorted to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MURAL TEACHING.
+
+    Speaking at Manchester last night Lord Haldane advocated
+    a great and new national reform by enabling the
+    Universities to train the best teachers of their own
+    level to go out and do extra Mural teaching on a huge
+    scale."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+We gather that in our contemporary's opinion it is high time that our
+Universities recognised "the writing on the wall."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VANISHED SPECIES.
+
+THE great auk is but a memory; the bittern booms more rarely in our
+eastern marshes; and now they tell me Brigadiers are extinct. Handsomest
+and liveliest of our indigenous fauna, the bright beady eye, the flirt
+of the trench coat-tail through the undergrowth, the glint of red
+betwixt the boughs, the sudden piercing pipe--how well I knew them, how
+often I have lain hidden in thickets and behind hedgerows to study them
+more closely. How inquisitive the creature was, yet how seldom would it
+feed from the hand. And now, it seems, they are gone.
+
+Vainly I rack my brains to envisage the manner of their passing. Is
+there to be nothing left but silence and a shadow or a specimen in a
+dusty case of glass preserved in creosol and stuffed with lime? Or did
+not the Brigadiers rather, when they felt their last hour was upon them,
+retire like the elephants of the jungle to some distant spot and shuffle
+off the mortal coil in the midst of Salisbury Plain or (for so I still
+picture it despite the ravages of a rude commercialism) the vast
+solitude of Slough?
+
+Or it may be that they underwent some classic metamorphosis, translated
+to a rainless paradise, where they dreamed of battalions for ever
+inspected and the general salute eternally blown.
+
+  "And there, they say, two bright and aged snakes
+  Who once were brigadiers of infantry
+  Bask in the sun."
+
+Anyhow, I cannot believe that ex-Brigadiers die. They only fade away.
+Fade away, I think, like the Cheshire Cat in _Alice in Wonderland_,
+leaving at the last not a grin but a scowl behind them. "_Brigadiers
+will fade away_," I imagine, ran the instruction from the Army Council,
+"_passing the vanishing point in the following order:--_
+
+    (1) _Spurs._
+    (2) _Field Boots._
+    (3) _Main body._
+    (4) _Brass hat._
+    (5) _Scowl._"
+
+But oh, how they will be missed, with their insatiable hunger for
+replies! I remember one in particular, very fierce and black-moustached,
+who used to pop up suddenly from behind a Loamshire hedge with an
+enormous note-book in his hand and say to unhappy company commanders,
+"The situation is so-and-so and so-and-so; now let me hear you give your
+orders." And the Company-Commander, who would have liked to read through
+_Infantry Training_ once or twice and then hold a sort of inter-allied
+conference with his Platoon-Commander, putting the Company
+Sergeant-Major in the chair, felt that after frightfulness of this kind
+mere actual war would probably be child's-play. And yet they tell me he
+was a pleasant enough fellow in the Mess, this Brigadier, and liked good
+cooking. Now I come to think of it, he faded away before the War came to
+an end. He faded away into a Major-General.
+
+How different from this sort was the type that could always be placated
+by a glittering bayonet charge or a thoroughly smart salute! I remember
+one of this kind who came charging across the landscape, his Staff
+Captain at his heels, to a point where he saw a friend of mine
+apparently lost in meditation and sloth. Unfortunately the great man's
+horse betrayed him as he tried to jump a low hedge, and, when he had
+clambered up again and arrived in a rather tumbled condition to ask
+indignantly what had happened to the scouts, "They have established a
+number of hidden observation posts," my friend replied, keeping his
+presence of mind, "and are making an exact report of everything that
+transpires on the enemy's front," and he waved his arm towards the scene
+of the catastrophe. It was not thought necessary to examine their notes.
+
+In France Brigadiers were mainly divided into the sort that came round
+the front line themselves, and the sort that sent the Brigade-major or
+somebody else who had broken out into a frontal inflammation to do it
+for them. It is difficult to say which _genus_ was the more alarming.
+
+The first was apt to exhibit its contempt for danger by strolling about
+in perilous places for five minutes and leaving them to be shelled in
+consequence for a week.
+
+The second sort was apt to issue orders depending for fulfilment on a
+faulty map reference or a landmark which had been carelessly removed by
+an H.E. shell. One of the most _intransigeant_ of this kind whom I
+remember could always, however, be softened by souvenirs; a cast-off
+Uhlan's lance or the rifle of a Bosch sniper went far to console him for
+the barrenness of a patrol report. I feel sure he must have faded at
+Slough.
+
+But it was in battle that their wild appetite for information was most
+amazingly displayed. At moments when nobody knew where anybody else was
+or whether the ground underneath him was likely to remain in that sector
+more than a few moments or be detached and transferred to another, they
+would send by telephone or by a runner wild messages for an exact
+_resume_ of the situation. It was at such times, I think, that some of
+those eminent war correspondents recently knighted would have done
+yeoman service in the front line. I can imagine them telephoning
+somewhat after this manner, in answer to the querulous voice:--
+
+    "All hell has broken loose in front of us. The earth
+    shivers as if a volcano is beneath our feet. The
+    pock-marked ridges in the distance are covered with the
+    advancing waves of field-grey forms. Our boys are going
+    up happily shouting and singing to the battle. Sorry, I
+    didn't quite catch what you said about being in touch on
+    the right. The brazen roar of the cannon is mingled with
+    the intermittent rattle of innumerable machine guns. Eh,
+    what? What?"
+
+Yes, I think the Brigadiers would have liked that. But, alas, it could
+not be. And now they have gone, with their passion for questions, never
+to return, or never till the next A.C.I. cancels the last.
+
+  "And now no sacred staff shall break to blossom,
+  No choral salutation lure to light,"
+
+as SWINBURNE put it; or
+
+  "All the birds of the air fell a-sighin' and a-sobbin'
+  When they heard of the death of poor Cock Robin,"
+
+as No. 1 platoon of A Company used to sing. Ah, well.
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COUNTRY NIGHT PIECE.
+
+  THE darkness my footsteps were swathed in
+    Is drenched with a luminous spray;
+  For a chain's length the kerbstone is bathed in
+    A spindrift of silvery grey;
+  By the roadside is mistily glimmering
+    A wall phosphorescent with pearls,
+  All glancing and dancing and shimmering
+    Like star-dust that swirls.
+
+  Where the high-road dips down to the dingle,
+    A coppice in arabesque gleams
+  Whose traceries melt and commingle,
+    Like ghost trees in moon-fretted streams,
+  As the tremulous glamour sweeps o'er it
+    And skirts the inscrutable sky;
+  Then, Fairyland flitting before it,
+    The car flashes by.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sport in Ireland.
+
+    "In a collision between his vehicle and a tramcar
+    yesterday a passenger was injured and removed to
+    hospital.
+
+    For other Sporting News see Page 6."
+
+    _Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "----'S SIPPING AGENCY, LTD."
+
+    _Le Reveil_ (_Beyrouth_).
+
+A popular establishment, we feel confident.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+    PAVLOVITIS.
+
+      [It is announced that at a coming Charity
+      Ball there will be a dance to the music of
+      SAINT-SAeENS' _Le Cygne_. Our artist
+      anticipates the moment of the Dying Swan's
+      collapse.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Host_ (_to friend who feels faint._)
+    "NOW, WHAT _YOU_ WANT IS A GOOD STIFF GLASS
+    OF"--(_suddenly remembering the Budget_)--"SODA!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TAKING OF TIMOTHY.
+
+TEA was over, a clearing was made of the articles of more fragile
+virtue, and Timothy, entering in state, was off-loaded from his nurse's
+arms into his mother's.
+
+"Isn't he looking sweet to-day?" said Suzanne. "It's really time we had
+him photographed."
+
+"Why?" I asked.
+
+"Well, why do people as a rule get photographed?"
+
+"That," I said, "is a question I have often asked myself, but without
+finding a satisfactory answer. What do you propose to do with the
+copies?"
+
+"There are dozens of people who'll be only too glad to have them. Aunt
+Caroline, for instance----"
+
+"Aunt Caroline one day took me into her confidence and showed me what
+she called her scrap-heap. It was a big box full of photographs that had
+been presented to her from time to time, and she calculated that if she
+had had them all framed, as their donors had doubtless expected, it
+would have cost her some hundreds of pounds. While her back was turned I
+looked through the collection. Your photograph was there--and mine,
+Suzanne."
+
+"Anyhow, we shall want one to keep ourselves. Think what a pleasure it
+will be to him when he grows up to see what he looked like as a tiny
+baby."
+
+I called to mind an ancestral album belonging to my own family that I
+had carefully kept guarded from Suzanne precisely for the reason that it
+contained various presentments of myself at early ages in
+mirth-compelling garments and attitudes; but of course I could not now
+urge that chamber of horrors in opposition to her demand.
+
+"Besides," she went on, "we needn't buy any copies at all if we don't
+like them. Snapper and Klick are continually worrying me to have Baby
+taken. Once a week regularly, ever since the announcement of his birth
+appeared, they've rung me up to ask when he will give them a sitting.
+Sometimes it's Snapper and sometimes it's Klick; I don't know which is
+which, but one of them has adenoids. We can't do any harm by taking him
+there, because they say in their circulars they present two copies free
+and there's no obligation to purchase any."
+
+"I wonder how they make that pay?"
+
+"Oh," said Suzanne, "they keep the copyright, you know, and then when he
+does anything famous they send it round to the illustrated papers, which
+pay them no end of money for permission to reproduce it."
+
+"But by the time _he_ does anything famous," I objected, "won't this
+photograph be a trifle out of date? Supposing, for instance, in twenty
+or thirty years' time he marries a Movie Queen----"
+
+Just then the telephone-bell rang, and Suzanne, as is her wont, rushed
+to answer it, dropping Timothy into my arms on the way.
+
+"Hello!" I heard her say. "Yes; speaking. Yes, I was just going to
+write. Yes; that will do quite well. What? Yes, about eleven. Good-bye."
+
+"Not another appointment with the dressmaker?" I inquired.
+
+"No. Curiously enough it was Klick again--or Snapper--and his adenoids
+are worse than ever; I suppose it's the damp weather gets into them. So
+I said we'd take Baby to-morrow."
+
+"I don't quite see the connection," I said. "Besides, aren't they
+catching?"
+
+"Now you're being funny again. Save that up for to-morrow."
+
+"What do you mean?" I asked in some alarm. "And why did you say _we'd_
+take Baby?"
+
+"Why, of course you've got to come too. You can always make him laugh
+better than anyone else; it's your _metier_. And I do want his delicious
+little dimples to come out."
+
+"Do I understand that I'm to go through my _repertoire_ in cold blood
+and under the unsympathetic gaze of Messrs. Snapper and Klick? Suzanne,
+it can't be done."
+
+"Oh, nonsense! You've only got to sing _Pop Goes the Weasel_ in a
+falsetto voice and make one of those comic faces you do so well, and
+he'll gurgle at once. Well, that's settled. We start at half-past ten
+to-morrow."
+
+The coming ordeal so preyed upon my mind that I spent a most restless
+night, during which, so Suzanne afterwards told me, I announced at
+frequent intervals the popping of the weasel. The day dawned with a
+steady drizzle of rain, and, after a poor attempt at breakfast, I
+scoured the neighbourhood for a taxi. Having at last run one to earth, I
+packed the expedition into it--Suzanne, Timothy, Timothy's nurse and
+Barbara (who begged so hard to be allowed to "come and see Father make
+faces at Baby" that Suzanne weakly consented).
+
+Arrived at our destination, Suzanne bade the driver wait. "We shall
+never find another cab to take us home in this downpour," she said, "and
+we shan't be kept long."
+
+We were ushered into the studio by a gentleman I now know to have been
+Mr. Klick. He aroused my distrust at once by the fact that he did not
+wear a velvet coat, and I pointed out this artistic deficiency in a
+whisper to Suzanne.
+
+"Never mind," she whispered back; "we needn't buy any if they're not
+good."
+
+Timothy, who had by now been put straight by his attendant, was
+carefully placed on all-fours on a pile of cushions, which he promptly
+proceeded to chew. Mr. Klick, on attempting to correct the pose, was
+received with a hymn of hate that compelled him to bury his head hastily
+in the camera-cloth, and Suzanne arranged the subject so that some of
+his more recognisable features became visible.
+
+"Now then," she said to me, "make him smile."
+
+With a furtive glance at Mr. Klick, who fortunately was still playing
+the ostrich, I essayed a well-tried "face" that had almost invariably
+evoked a chuckle from Timothy, even when visitors were present. On this
+occasion, however, it failed to produce anything more than a woebegone
+pucker that foreshadowed something worse. Hastily I switched off into
+another expression, but with no better result.
+
+"Go on, Father," encouraged Barbara, who had been taking a breathless
+interest in these proceedings; "try your funny voice."
+
+Mr. Klick had emerged from cover and was standing expectantly with his
+hand on the cap.
+
+Dear reader, have you ever been called upon to sing _Pop Goes the
+Weasel_ in a falsetto voice before a fractious baby, a small but
+intensely critical child, a stolidly contemptuous nurse, an agitated
+mother and a gaping photographer, with the knowledge that success or
+failure hangs upon your lips, and that all the time a diabolical machine
+in the street below is scoring threepence against you every minute or
+so? Of course you haven't; but possibly you may be able to enter into my
+feelings in this hour of trial. With a prickly heat suffusing my whole
+body and a melting sensation at the collar I struggled through the
+wretched lyric once. Timothy regarded me first with scorn and then with
+positive distaste. In desperation I squeaked it out again and yet again,
+but each succeeding "pop" only registered another scowl on the face of
+my offspring and another threepence on that of the cabman's clock.
+
+I was maddened now, and Suzanne sought to restrain me; but I shook her
+off violently and went on again _da capo_, and was just giving vent for
+about the seventeenth time to a particularly excruciating "pop" when the
+door of the studio opened and a benevolent-looking old gentleman
+entered. He gazed at us all in wonderment, and, overcome by mingled
+shame and exhaustion, I sank into a chair and popped no more.
+
+"Ah, Mr. Snapper," said Mr. Klick, "we were just trying to get this
+young gentleman amused."
+
+Mr. Snapper, who, I should imagine, was the adenoid victim, looked first
+at me and next at Timothy, and then blew his nose vigorously. It was not
+an ordinary blast, but had a peculiarly musical _timbre_, very much like
+the note of a mouth-organ. It certainly attracted Timothy's attention,
+for he at once looked round and the glimmer of a smile appeared upon his
+tear-stained face.
+
+"That's it!" cried Barbara excitedly. "Do it again."
+
+"Oh, _please_ do," entreated Suzanne.
+
+Mr. Snapper, adenoids or no adenoids, was a sportsman. He quickly
+understood what was required of him and blew his nose again and again.
+And with each blow Timothy's smile became wider, the dimples grew
+deeper, and Mr. Klick at the camera was pushing in and pulling out
+plates for all he was worth. At last Mr. Snapper could blow no more, and
+with profuse thanks we gathered ourselves, together and departed. On our
+arrival home the cabman, fortunately, was induced to accept a cheque in
+payment.
+
+The photographs have turned out a great success. One in particular,
+which shows the first smile breaking through Timothy's tears, is of a
+very happy character, and Mr. Snapper has asked and received permission
+to send it to the illustrated Press under the title, "Sunshine and
+Shower"; and Aunt Caroline has not only been given a copy, _but has had
+it framed_.
+
+Now, when I am called upon to produce a laugh from Timothy, I no longer
+make faces or "pop." I have discovered how to blow my nose like a
+mouth-organ. It's trying work, but the effect is magical.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "Y' EVER HAD A BARF, BILLY?"
+
+    "YUS, I ONST FELL IN THE SERPENTINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Redintegratio Amoris.
+
+    "The Public is hereby notified that myself and my Wife
+    Millicent ---- is together again. I got hasty and
+    advertised her with no just cause. FITZ ----."--_West
+    Indian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This telegram had been preceded by others, which were,
+    unfortunately, contrary to instructions at the Post
+    Office, delivered at this office, which was closed, and,
+    therefore, not opened."--_Irish Paper._
+
+That, of course, would be so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At a meeting of the Child Study Society on Thursday,
+    April 29th, at 6 p.m., Sir A. E. Shipley, G.B.E., D.Sc.,
+    F.R.S., will give a lecture, illustrated by lantern
+    slides, on biting insects and children."
+
+    _British Medical Journal._
+
+And we had always thought him such a kind man!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Gloomy Artist._ "YES, I GAVE HER ALL MY
+    LAST YEAR'S SKETCHES FOR HER JUMBLE-SALE IN THE
+    EAST-END. TOLD HER TO GET RID OF THEM FOR ANYTHING SHE
+    LIKED--HALF-A-CROWN OR A COUPLE OF BOB----" (_Pauses for
+    exclamations of horror at the sacrifice._)
+
+    _Friend._ "AND DID THEY SELL?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MINXIAD.
+
+(_Being the scenario of a modern doggerel Epic._)
+
+  THE lady I choose for the theme of my lay
+  Is a portent "conspicuous even to-day,"
+  For, though she was freely condemned and abhorred,
+  She was never suppressed and she can't be ignored.
+
+  Her parents, most anxious to give a good time
+  To their children, if only they helped them to climb,
+  Unconsciously aiding the new Self-Expression
+  Left all from the start to their daughter's discretion.
+
+  No nurse was allowed to rebuke her or warn her,
+  No governess put her to stand in a corner;
+  At six she revealed a peculiar joy
+  In the taste of old brandy, and dressed like a boy;
+  At eight she had read CASANOVA, CELLINI,
+  And driven a toasting-fork into a tweeny;
+  At ten she indited and published a story
+  Described by _The Leadenhall News_ as "too gory."
+  One governess after another was tried,
+  But none of them stopped and one suddenly died.
+  Then she went for a while to a wonderful school
+  Which was run on the plan of the late Mrs. BOOLE;
+  But no "ethical safeguards" could ever restrain
+  So impulsive a heart and so fertile a brain;
+  And a fire, for the kindling of which she was held
+  Responsible, led to her being expelled.
+
+  On the strength of her fine pyromaniac rage
+  For a season or two she appeared on the stage;
+  Her dancing was crude and her voice was a blank,
+  But she carried it off by superlative swank,
+  And married a swarthy and elderly milli-
+  Onaire who was killed in an earthquake in Chile.
+  A militant during the Suffrage campaign,
+  In the War she adopted the cause of Sinn Fein,
+  And, according to credible witness, was seen
+  In the thick of the fighting at Easter, '16.
+  Escaping arrest by a dexterous dodge
+  She became a disciple of OLIVER LODGE,
+  Gave lectures on Swedish and Swiss callisthenics,
+  Eurhythmics (DALCROZE) and Ukrainian eugenics.
+  Last, married in haste to a Bolshevist don,
+  She dyed her hair green and was painted by JOHN,
+  Eloped with a squat anthropophagous Dago
+  And finds a fit home in Tierra del Fuego.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TEMPERANCE WOMEN OF ALL LANDS.
+
+    ONE PROPOSES KNEELING OUTSIDE HOUSE OF COMMONS."
+
+    _"Star" Headlines._
+
+We have read the article carefully, but the Member to whom this
+Leap-Year proposal was made is not mentioned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: IN A CUSHY CAUSE.
+
+    OVER-SHORN SHEEP. "OH, SO _THAT'S_ WHERE IT GOES TO, IS
+    IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 19th._--Primrose day in the House of Commons was more
+honoured in the breach than the observance. Barely a dozen Members
+sported Lord BEACONFIELD'S favourite flower (for salads), and one of
+them found himself so uncomfortably conspicuous that shortly after the
+proceedings opened he furtively transferred his buttonhole to his
+coat-pocket. Among those who remained faithful were Lord LAMBOURNE (in
+the Peers' Gallery), who had for this occasion substituted a posy of
+primroses for his usual picotee, and, quaintly enough, Mr. HOGGE, who
+had not hitherto been suspected of Disraelian sympathies.
+
+    [Illustration:
+
+      "A primrose by a river's brim
+      A yellow primrose was to him
+        And it was nothing more."
+
+    "Mr. HOGGE had not hitherto been suspected of Disraelian
+    sympathies."]
+
+For a Budget-day the attendance was smaller than usual. But it was large
+enough to prevent Mr. BILLING from securing his usual seat. The SPEAKER,
+however, did not smile upon his suggestion that he should occupy one of
+the vacant places on the Front Opposition Bench, and curtly informed him
+that there was plenty of room in the Gallery. Thither Mr. BILLING betook
+himself, and thence he addressed a question which Mr. HOPE, the Minister
+concerned, was unable to catch, his ears not being attuned to sounds
+from that altitude.
+
+Otherwise Question-time was chiefly remarkable for the loud and
+continued burst of cheering from the Coalition benches which greeted Mr.
+WILL THORNE'S suggestion (_a propos_ of LENIN'S industrial conscription)
+that "it would be a very good thing to make all the idlers in this
+country work." Mr. THORNE seemed quite embarrassed by the popularity of
+his proposal, which did not, however, appear to arouse the same
+enthusiasm among his colleagues of the Labour Party.
+
+It was four o'clock when Mr. CHAMBERLAIN rose to "open the Budget" (he
+clings to that old-fashioned phrase), and just after six when he
+completed a speech which Mr. ASQUITH (himself an ex-Chancellor of the
+Exchequer) justly praised for its lucidity and comprehensiveness.
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN could not on this occasion congratulate himself (as his
+predecessors were wont to do) on the accuracy of his forecasts. He had
+two shots last year, in Spring and Autumn, but both times was many
+millions out in his calculations. Fortunately all the mistakes were on
+the right side, and he came out with a surplus of one hundred and
+sixty-four millions (about as much as the whole revenue of the country
+when first he went to the Exchequer) to devote to the redemption of
+debt.
+
+But that did not content him. For an hour by the clock he piled up the
+burdens on the taxpayer. His arguments were not always consistent. It is
+not quite easy to see why, because ladies have taken to smoking
+cigarettes, an extra heavy duty should be imposed on imported cigars; or
+how the appearance of "a new class of champagne-drinkers" justifies a
+further tax upon the humble consumer of "dinner-claret."
+
+Nor is it easy to follow the process of reasoning by which the
+CHANCELLOR convinced himself that the Excess Profits Tax, which last
+year he described as a great deterrent to enterprise and industry, only,
+justifiable as "a temporary measure," should now be not merely continued
+but increased by fifty per cent.
+
+    [Illustration: _Mr. CHAMBERLAIN._ "I DON'T CARE WHAT
+    ANYBODY SAYS ABOUT THIS BLOOMING TREE (I USE THE EPITHET
+    IN ITS LITERAL SENSE); I SHALL LET IT KEEP ON FOR
+    ANOTHER YEAR."]
+
+This proposal seemed to excite more hostility than any other. But the
+single taxers were annoyed by the final disappearance of the Land Values
+Duties (the only original feature of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S epoch-making
+first Budget). Mr. RAFFAN pictured their author being dragged at the
+Tory chariot-wheels, and Dr. MURRAY observed that the land-taxes were
+evidently not allowed "on the other side of the Rubicon."
+
+The general view was that the Government had shown courage in imposing
+fresh taxation, but would have saved themselves and the country a great
+deal of trouble if they had been equally bold in reducing expenditure.
+
+_Tuesday, April 20th._--When a local band at Cologne recently played the
+"Wacht am Rhein" the British officers present stood up, on the ground
+(as they explained to a surprised German) that _they_ were now the Watch
+on the Rhine. But are they? According to Colonel BURN the Army of the
+Rhine is now so short of men that it is compelled to employ German
+civilians as batmen, clerks and even telephone-operators; and Mr.
+CHURCHILL was fain to admit that it would not surprise him to hear that
+"some assistance has been derived from the local population."
+
+The Carnarvonshire police are peeved because they are not allowed to
+belong to any secret society except the Freemasons, and consequently are
+debarred from membership of the Royal Ante-diluvian Order of Buffaloes.
+Mr. SHORTT disclaimed responsibility, but it is expected that the Member
+for the Carnarvon Boroughs, who is notoriously sympathetic to
+Ante-diluvians (is not his motto _Apres moi le deluge_?), will take up
+the matter on his return from San Remo.
+
+Having had time to consider the Budget proposals in detail Mr. ASQUITH
+was less complimentary and more critical. Good-humoured chaff of the
+PRIME MINISTER on the demise of the Land Values Duties before they had
+yielded the "rare and refreshing fruits" promised ten years ago, was
+followed by a reasoned condemnation of the proposed increase in the wine
+duties, which he believed would diminish consumption and cause
+international complications with our Allies. The CHANCELLOR, again, had
+thought too much of revenue and too little of economy. He urged him--in
+a magnificent mixture of metaphors--to cut away those parasitic
+excrescences upon the normal administrative system of the country which
+now constituted an open tap.
+
+_Wednesday, April 21st._--The abolition of the Guide-lecturer at Kew
+Gardens was deplored by Lord SUDELEY and other Peers. But as, according
+to Lord LEE, out of a million visitors last year only five hundred
+listened to the Guide--an average of less than three per lecture--the
+Government can hardly be blamed for saving a hundred pounds.
+Retrenchment, after all, must begin somewhere.
+
+Sir DONALD MACLEAN cannot have heard of this signal example of
+Government economy or he would not have denounced Ministers so
+vehemently for their extravagance. His most specific charge was that in
+Mesopotamia they were "spending money like water in looking for oil."
+
+In a further defence of the Budget proposals Mr. CHAMBERLAIN disclaimed
+the notion that it was the duty of the Chancellor of the Exchequer to
+denounce in the House the Estimates which he had approved in Cabinet.
+His business was to find the money. Circumstances had altered his
+attitude to the Excess Profits Duty, and he was now determined to stick
+to it. Did not a cynic once say that nothing succeeds like excess?
+
+Mr. BARNES, who was loudly cheered on his return to the House, joined in
+the cry for economy. "Some departments," he declared, "existed only
+because they had existed."
+
+The country clergy are without doubt the most over-rated persons in the
+country--I mean, of course, from a fiscal point of view. Consequently
+the House gave a friendly reception to a Bill intended to relieve them
+of some of their pecuniary burdens.
+
+_Thursday, April 22nd._--When Dr. MACNAMARA was Secretary to the
+Admiralty no Minister was clearer or more direct in his answers. Now
+that he has become Minister he has laid aside his quarter-deck manner
+and adopted tones of whispering humbleness which hardly reach the Press
+Gallery.
+
+He ought to take example fro Mr. STANTON, who never leaves the House in
+doubt as to what he means. This afternoon, his purpose was to announce
+that a certain "Trio" on the Opposition Benches was in league with the
+forces of disorder. "Bolshies!" he shouted in a voice that frightened
+the pigeons in Palace Yard.
+
+Later in the evening Mr. STANTON indicated that unless the salaries of
+Members of Parliament were raised he should have seriously to consider
+the question of returning to his old trade of a coal-hewer, at which I
+gathered he could make much more money with an infinitely smaller
+exertion of lung-power.
+
+    [Illustration: "If, as appears to be the case, it is for
+    the moment more or less decently interred, its epitaph
+    should be not _Reguiescat_ but _Resurget_" (cheers).
+
+    _Mr. ASQUITH on the Land Values Duties._]
+
+The vote for Agriculture and Fisheries was supported by Sir A.
+GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN in a speech crammed full of miscellaneous information.
+We learned that the Minister once smoked a pipe of Irish tobacco, and
+said "Never Again"; that the slipper-limpet, formerly the terror of the
+oyster-beds had now by the ingenuity of his Department been transformed
+into a valuable source of poultry-food, and that the roundabout process
+by which the Germans in bygone days imported eel-fry from the Severn for
+their own rivers, and then exported the full-grown fish for the
+delectation of East-end dinner-tables, had been done away with. In the
+matter of eels this country is now self-supporting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The stock markets showed a good deal of uncertainty
+    this morning and dealers marked prices lower in many
+    cases to protect themselves against possible sales on
+    the Budget proposals, particularly the excess profits
+    duty and the corruption tax."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN omitted to mention the last-named impost, but no doubt
+that was his artfulness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.
+
+"THE BEAR-GARDEN."
+
+THE authors of the guide-books have signally failed to discover the
+really interesting parts of Law-land. I have looked through several of
+these works and not one of them refers, for example, to the
+"Bear-Garden," which is the place where the preliminary skirmishes of
+litigation are carried out. The Bear-Garden is the name given to it by
+the legal profession, so I am quite in order in using the title. In
+fact, if you want to get to it, you _have_ to use that title. The proper
+title would be something like "the place where Masters in Chambers
+function at half-past one;" but, if you go into the Law Courts and ask
+one of the attendants where that is, he will say, rather pityingly, "Do
+you mean the _Bear-Garden_?" and you will know at once that you have
+lost caste. Caste is a thing you should be very careful of in these
+days, so the best thing is to ask for the Bear-Garden straightaway.
+
+It is in the purlieus of the Law Courts and very hard to find. It is up
+a lot of very dingy back-staircases and down a lot of very dingy
+passages. The Law Courts are like all our public buildings. The parts
+where the public is allowed to go are fairly respectable, if not
+beautiful, but the purlieus and the basements and the upper floors are
+scenes of unimaginable dinginess and decay. The Law Courts' purlieus are
+worse than the Houses of Parliament's purlieus, and it seems to me that
+even more disgraceful things are done in them. It only shows you the
+danger of Nationalisation.
+
+On the way to the Bear-Garden you pass the King's Remembrancer's This is
+the man who reminds HIS MAJESTY about people's birthdays; and in a large
+family like that he must be kept busy. Not far from the King's
+Remembrancer there is a Commissioner for Oaths; you can go into his room
+and have a really good swear for about half-a-crown. This is cheaper
+than having it in the street--that is, if you are a gentleman; for by
+the Profane Oaths Act, 1745, swearing and cursing are punishable by a
+fine of one shilling for every day-labourer, soldier or seaman; two
+shillings for every other person under the degree of a gentleman; and
+five shillings for every person of or above the degree of a gentleman.
+This is not generally known. The Commissioner of Oaths is a very
+broad-minded man, and there is literally no limit to what you may swear
+before him. The only thing is that he insists on your filing it before
+you actually say it. This may cause delay; so that if you are feeling
+particularly strongly about anything it is probably better to have it
+out in the street and risk being taken for a gentleman.
+
+There are a number of other interesting functionaries on the way to the
+Bear-Garden; but we must get on. When you have wandered about in the
+purlieus for a long time you will hear a tremendous noise, a sort of
+combined snarling and roaring and legal conversation. When you hear
+that, you will know that you are very near the bears. They are all
+snarling and roaring in a large preliminary arena, where the bears
+prepare themselves for the struggle; all round it are smaller cages or
+arenae, where the struggles take place. If possible you ought to go
+early, so that you can watch the animals massing. Lawyers, as I have had
+occasion to observe before, are the most long-suffering profession in
+the country, and the things they do in the Bear-Garden they have to do
+in the luncheon-hour, or rather in the luncheon half-hour, between
+half-past one and two.
+
+This accounts perhaps for the extreme frenzy of the proceedings. They
+hurry in a frenzy up the back-stairs about 1.25, and they pace up and
+down in a frenzy till half-past one. There are all sorts of bears, most
+of them rather seedy old bears, with shaggy and unkempt coats. These are
+solicitors' clerks, and they all come straight out of DICKENS. They have
+shiny little private-school handbags, each inherited, no doubt, through
+a long line of ancestral solicitors' clerks; and they all have the
+draggled sort of moustache that tells you when it is going to rain.
+While they are pacing up and down the arena they all try to get rid of
+these moustaches by pulling violently at alternate ends; but the only
+result is to make it look more like rain than ever.
+
+Some of the bears are robust old bears, with well-kept coats and loud
+roars; these are solicitors' clerks too, only better fed; or else they
+are real solicitors. And a few of the bears are perky young
+creatures--in barrister's robes, either for the first time, when they
+look very self-conscious, or for the second time, when they look very
+self-confident. All the bears are telling each other about their cases.
+They are saying, "We are a deceased wife's sister suing _in forma
+pauperis_," or "I am a discharged bankrupt, three times convicted of
+perjury, but I am claiming damages under the Diseases of Pigs Act,
+1862," or "You are the crew of a merchant-ship and we are the editor of
+a newspaper." Just at first it is rather disturbing to hear snatches of
+conversation like that, but there is no real cause for alarm; they are
+only identifying themselves with the interests of their clients; and,
+when one realises that, one is rather touched.
+
+At long last one of the keepers at the entrance to the small cages
+begins to shout very loudly. It is not at all clear what he is shouting,
+but apparently it is the pet-names of the bears, for there is a wild
+rush for the various cages. Across the middle of the cage a stout
+barricade has been erected, and behind the barricade sits the Master,
+pale but defiant. Masters in Chambers are barristers who have not got
+proper legal faces, and have had to give up being ordinary barristers on
+that account; in the obscurity and excitement of the Bear-Garden nobody
+notices that their faces are all wrong. The two chief bears rush at the
+Master and the other bears jostle round them, egging them on. When they
+see that they cannot get at the Master they begin snarling. One of them
+snarls quietly out of a long document about the Statement of Claim. He
+throws a copy of this at the Master, and the Master tries to get the
+hang of it while the bear is snarling; but the other bear is by now
+beside himself with rage, and he begins putting in what are called
+interlocutory snarls, so that the Master gets terribly confused, though
+he doesn't let on.
+
+By-and-by all pretence of formality and order is put aside and the
+battle really begins. At this stage of the proceedings the rule is that
+no fewer than two of the protagonists must be roaring at the same time,
+of which one must be the Master. But the more general practice is for
+all three of them to roar at the same time. Sometimes, it is true, by
+sheer roar-power the Master succeeds in silencing one of the bears for a
+moment, but he can never be said to succeed in cowing a bear. If anybody
+is cowed it is the Master. Meanwhile the lesser bears press closer and
+closer, pulling at the damp ends of their rainy moustaches and making
+whispered suggestions for new devilries in the ears of the chief bears,
+who nod their heads emphatically but don't pay any attention.
+
+The final stage is the stage of physical violence, when the chief bears
+lean over the barricade and shake their paws at the Master; they think
+they are only making legal gestures, but the Master knows very well that
+they are getting out of hand; he knows then that it is time he threw
+them a bun. So he says a soothing word to each of them and runs his pen
+savagely through almost everything on their papers. The bears growl in
+stupefaction and rage, and take deep breaths to begin again. But
+meanwhile the keeper has shouted for a fresh set of bears, who surge
+wildly into the room. The old bears are swept aside and creep out,
+grunting. What the result of it all is I don't know. Nobody knows. But
+the new bears----
+
+    [EDITOR.--I am much bored with this.
+
+    AUTHOR.--Oh, very well.]
+
+    A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Mistress._ "AT TWO O'CLOCK THIS MORNING,
+    MARY, WE WERE WAKENED BY LOUD KNOCKING, AND YOUR MASTER
+    WENT DOWN AND FOUND IT WAS A POLICEMAN, WHO TOLD HIM THE
+    PANTRY WINDOW WAS OPEN."
+
+    _Mary._ "OH, 'E DID, DID 'E? 'AD 'E RED 'AIR? I'LL LARN
+    'M TO GO 'AMMERIN' AT DECENT PEOPLE'S DOOR IN THE MIDDLE
+    OF THE NIGHT JUST BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GO TO THE PICTURES
+    WITH 'IM LAST FRIDAY. IMPERENCE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the directions on an omnibus ticket:--
+
+    "Passengers are requested not to stand on top of the Bus
+    back seats for smoking."
+
+This is a thing we never do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"MARY ROSE."
+
+OF course nobody could possibly suspect Sir JAMES BARRIE of plagiarising
+(save from himself), yet it will explain something of the atmosphere of
+_Mary Rose_ if I say that it is a story with such a theme as that
+admirable ghostmonger, the Provost of Eton, would whole-heartedly
+approve--thrilling, sinister, inconclusive--with (shall I say?) just a
+dash of Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE in his other-worldly mood to bring it
+well into the movement. Naturally the variations are sheer BARRIE and of
+the most adroit.
+
+    [Illustration: THE BOY WHO WOULD GROW UP FASTER THAN HIS
+    MOTHER.
+
+    _Mary Rose_ . . . MISS FAY COMPTON.
+    _Harry_ . . . .   MR. ROBERT LORAINE.]
+
+_Mary Rose_ is in fact a girl who couldn't grow up, because whenever she
+visited a little mystery island in the Outer Hebrides "they" who lived
+in a "lovely, lovely, lovely" vague world beyond these voices would call
+her vaguely (to Mr. NORMAN O'NEILL'S charming music), and she would as
+vaguely return with no memory of what had passed and no change in her
+physical condition. This didn't matter so much when, as a mere child,
+she disappeared for thirty days; but when, mother of an incomparable
+heir of two, she was rapt away in the middle of a picnic for twenty-five
+years, and returned to find a husband, mother and father inexplicably
+old and changed, and dreadfully silent about her babe--well, you see for
+yourself how hopeless everything was. As if there were not enough real
+tragedy in the world and it were necessary to invent!
+
+I don't think it fair to tell you any more. You shouldn't suffer these
+thrills at second-hand. But I can say that, in spite of making it a
+point of professional honour to try to keep a warm spine and check the
+unbidden tear from trickling down my nose (which makes you look such an
+ass before a cynical colleague during the intervals), I was beaten in
+both attempts. The "effects" were astonishingly well contrived by both
+author and producer (Mr. HOLMAN CLARK). You were not let down at the
+supreme moment by a hurried shuffle of dimly seen forms or the click of
+an electrician's gear suggesting too solid flesh. The house was in a
+queer way stunned by the poignancy of the last scene between the young
+ghost-mother and the long-sought unrecognised son, and had to shake
+itself before it could reward with due applause the fine playing of as
+perfect a cast as I have seen for a long time. There's no manner of
+doubt that Sir JAMES "got it over" (as they say) all right.
+
+Miss FAY COMPTON makes astonishing strides. Her _Mary Rose_ had adorable
+shy movements, caresses, intonations, wistfulnesses. These were traits
+of _Mary Rose_, not tricks of Miss COMPTON. And they escaped
+monotony--supreme achievement in the difficult circumstances. Mr. ROBERT
+LORAINE in the doubled _roles_ of _Mary Rose's_ husband and son, showed
+a very fine skill in his differentiation of the husband's character in
+three phases of time and development, and of the son's, with its family
+likeness and individual variation. Mr. ERNEST THESIGER, who seems to
+touch nothing he does not adorn, gave a fine rendering of as charming a
+character as ever came out of the BARRIE box--the superstitious,
+learned, courteous crofter's son, student of Aberdeen University,
+temporary boatman and (later) minister. He did his best incidentally, by
+rowing away without casting off, to corroborate the local legend that
+the queer little island sometimes disappeared. Miss MARY JERROLD was
+just the perfect BARRIE mother (of _Mary Rose_). Mr. ARTHUR WHITBY'S
+parson, Mr. NORMAN FORBES' squire, Miss JEAN CADELL'S housekeeper, left
+no chinks in their armour for a critic's spleenful arrow.
+
+    T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was one of those perfect June nights that so seldom
+    occur except in August."
+
+    ---- _Magazine._
+
+The result of Daylight-saving, no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: THE AGE OF UNREST.
+
+    GRANDMAMMA, WHO HAS BEEN THWARTED, GOES ON
+    HUNGER-STRIKE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: SHOCK OF A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW
+    WHEN HE PERCEIVES THAT HIS RESCUER IS A PUSSYFOOT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONNOISSEUR.
+
+  No more to bits of china (though I love it),
+    To coloured prints no more my fancy roams,
+  Or all the works of art I used to covet
+    In other people's homes.
+
+  Old first editions, Sheffield plate and brasses,
+    Weapons of CROMWELL'S time and coats of mail,
+  Gate-tables, QUEEN ANNE chairs and aught that passes
+    For craft of CHIPPENDALE--
+
+  Such things no more I spend my hard-earned cash on
+    (Fain though the spirit be, the purse is weak);
+  Yet strong within me burns the ruling passion
+    For anything antique.
+
+  To haunt the sales for "finds" no more my job is;
+    I've found at length, to satisfy my bent,
+  A wider sphere for this my last of hobbies,
+    Which costs me not a cent;
+
+  Where I can see my friends possess the treasure
+    Their souls desire, nor envy them for that;
+  My game's to scan my fellow-man at leisure
+    Divested of his hat;
+
+  Among my own coevals, whom at last Time
+    Is taking by the locks at forty-nine,
+  Searching (a quaint but inexpensive pastime)
+    For balder heads than mine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS ON ADVERTISING.
+
+IN the belief that the numerous signs and notices, such as those
+containing warnings and advice to the public, with which the eye is so
+familiar, might be employed as suitable _media_ for commercial
+advertisement, the following suggestions are offered for what they are
+worth:--
+
+      =LIFT NOT WORKING.=
+
+    When you walk upstairs
+    be sure your boots are
+    shod with PUSSYFOOT
+       Rubber Heels.
+
+       * * *
+
+        =TO STOP THE TRAIN PULL
+           DOWN THE CORD.=
+
+    Then light a NAVY LIST Cigarette.
+
+      That alone is worth the L5.
+
+       * * *
+
+      =STICK NO BILLS.=
+
+     It's not your job.
+
+    Let STIKKOTINE do it.
+
+      Sticks anything.
+
+       * * *
+
+     =THIS RACK IS PROVIDED FOR
+       LIGHT ARTICLES ONLY.=
+
+    If your baby is a GLOXO baby
+       keep it on your knee.
+
+    GLOXO builds _bulky_ bairns.
+
+       * * *
+
+      =KEEP OFF THE GRASS.=
+
+    Unless you are wearing
+        GUMBOODLE'S
+         Goloshes.
+       Won't wet feet.
+
+       * * *
+
+    =BEWARE OF THE DOG.=
+
+    Wait till he hears
+    HIS MASTER'S VOICE.
+
+       * * *
+
+     =YOU MAY TELEPHONE FROM HERE.=
+
+    Ring up your newsagent and order
+          your DAILY WAIL.
+
+           Billion Sale.
+           Order it now.
+           CHU CHIN CHOW.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CHARLES ----
+
+    This week, DRIVEN FROM HOME. Next week, AT SEA."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Surely this pitiable case ought to be brought to the attention of the
+Actors' Benevolent Association.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Epicurean._ "AH, YOU LITTLE REALISE HOW
+    THESE APRIL SHOWERS BRING ON THE PEAS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I HAVE a mild grievance against that talented lady, Miss MARJORIE BOWEN,
+for labelling her latest novel "a romantic fantasy." Because, like all
+her other stories, _The Cheats_ (COLLINS) moves with such an air of
+truth, its personages are so human, that I could delightfully persuade
+myself that it was all true, and that I had really shared, with a
+sometimes quickened pulse, the strange fortunes of the sombre young
+hero. But--fantasy! That is to show the strings and give away the whole
+game. However, if you can forget that, the coils of an admirably woven
+intrigue will grip your attention and sympathy throughout. The central
+figure is one _Jaques_, who comes to town as a penniless and love-lorn
+romantic, to be confronted with the revelation that he is himself the
+eldest son, unacknowledged but legitimate, of His Majesty KING CHARLES
+THE SECOND, then holding Court at Whitehall. It is from the plots and
+counter-plots, the machinations and subterfuges that follow that Miss
+BOWEN justifies her title. Certainly _The Cheats_ establishes her in my
+mind as our first writer of historical fiction. The character-drawing is
+admirable (especially of poor weak-willed vacillating _Jaques_, a
+wonderfully observed study of the STUART temperament). More than ever,
+also, Miss BOWEN might here be said to write her descriptions with a
+paint-brush; the whole tale goes by in a series of glowing pictures,
+most richly coloured. _The Cheats_ is not a merry book; its treatment of
+the foolish heroine in particular abates nothing of grim justice; but of
+its art there can be no two opinions. I wish again that I had been
+allowed to believe in it.
+
+It must be unusual in war for a commander-in-chief to be regarded by his
+opponents with the respect and admiration that the British forces in
+East Africa felt towards VON LETTOW-VORBECK; from General SMUTS, who
+congratulated him on his Order "Pour le Merite," down to the British
+Tommy who promised to salute him "if ever 'e's copped." The fact that
+VON LETTOW held out from August, 1914, till after the Armistice with a
+small force mainly composed of native askaris, and with hardly any
+assistance from overseas, is proof in itself of his organizing ability,
+his military leadership and his indomitable determination. As these are
+qualities which are valued by his late enemies his story of the
+campaign, _My Reminiscences of East Africa_ (HURST AND BLACKETT), should
+appeal to a large public, especially as it is written on the whole in a
+sporting spirit and not without some sense of humour. His descriptions
+of the natural difficulties of the country and the methods he adopted
+for handling them are interesting and instructive. But in military
+matters his story is not altogether convincing; for if his "victories"
+were as "decisive" as he represents them how is it that they were
+followed almost invariably by retirement? The results are attributed in
+these pages to "slight mischances" or "unfavourable conditions" or
+merely to "pressure of circumstances." Would it not have been better,
+while he was about it, to claim boldly that he was luring us on? This is
+a question on which one naturally refers to the maps, and it is
+therefore all the more regrettable that these contain no scale of
+mileage, an omission which renders them almost meaningless. How many
+readers, for instance, will realise that German East Africa was almost
+twice the size of Germany? The translation on the whole is good, though
+some phrases such as "the at times barely sufficient ration" are rather
+too redolent of the Fatherland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I see that on the title-page of his latest story Mr. W. E. NORRIS is
+credited with having already written two others (specified by name),
+etc. Much virtue in that "etc." I cannot therefore regard _The Triumphs
+of Sara_ (HUTCHINSON) precisely as the work of a beginner, though it has
+a freshness and sense of enjoyment about it that might well belong to a
+first book rather than to--I doubt whether even Mr. NORRIS himself could
+say offhand what its number is. _Sara_ and her circle are eminently
+characteristic of their creator. You have here the same well-bred
+well-to-do persons, pleasantly true to their decorous type, retaining
+always, despite modernity of clothes and circumstance, a gentle aroma of
+late Victorianism. Perhaps _Sara_ is the most immediate of Mr. NORRIS'S
+heroines so far. Her money-bags had been filled in Manchester, and from
+time to time in her history you are reminded of this circumstance. It
+explains much; though hardly her marriage with _Euan Leppington_, whose
+attraction apparently lay in being one of the few males of her
+acquaintance whom _Sara_ did not find it fatally easy to bring to heel.
+Anyhow, after marriage she quickly grew bored to death of him; so much
+so that it required an attempt (badly bungled) by another woman to get
+_Euan_ to elope with her, and a providential collapse of the very
+unwilling Lothario, to bring about that happy ending that my experience
+of kind Mr. NORRIS has taught me to expect. I may add that he has never
+done anything more quietly entertaining than the frustrated elopement;
+the luncheon scene at the Metropole, Brighton, between the angry but
+amused _Sara_ and a husband incapacitated by rage, remorse and chill, is
+an especially well-handled little comedy of manners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir JULIAN CORBETT, in writing the first volume of _Naval Operations_
+(LONGMANS), has carried the semi-official history of the War at sea only
+as far as the Battle of the Falklands; but if the other three or four
+volumes--the number is still uncertain--are to be as full of romance as
+this the complete work will be a library of adventure in itself. Hardly
+ever turning aside to praise or blame, he says with almost unqualified
+baldness a multitude of astounding things--things we half knew, or
+guessed, or longed to have explained, or dared not whisper, or, most of
+all, never dreamt of. Here is a gold-mine for the makers of boys' books
+of all future generations to quarry in. Think, for instance, of the
+liner _Ortega_ shaking off a German cruiser by bolting into an uncharted
+tide-race near the Horn; or the _Southport_, left for disabled by her
+captors, crawling two thousand miles to safety with only half an engine;
+or the triumphant raider _Karlsruhe_, her pursuers baffled, full to the
+hatches with captured luxuries, bands playing, flags flying, suddenly
+blown up in mid-Atlantic. The game of hide-and-seek, as played by the
+_Emden_ and her like, naturally figures very largely in a volume which
+HENTY could hardly have bettered. The author's veracious narrative,
+leaving all picturesque detail to the imagination, gets home every time
+by the sheer weight of its material. The War in Home waters is no less
+fascinatingly reconstructed, and the case of maps contains in itself
+living epics for all who study them with understanding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In writing her second book Miss HILDA M. SHARP has allowed herself what
+is, I suspect, the lady novelist's greatest treat, the extraordinary
+achievement of using the first person singular and making it masculine.
+She has done it very well too, and I am happy to recall that, in another
+place, I was among the many who prophesied good concerning her future
+when she made her _debut_ as a novelist with _The Stars in their
+Courses_ in Mr. FISHER UNWIN'S "First Novel Library." _A Pawn in Pawn_
+comes very properly from the same publisher. It has one of those plots
+which it is most particularly a reviewer's business, in the reader's own
+interest, not to reveal, but it is permissible to explain that the
+"pawn" of the title is a little girl adopted from an orphanage, where,
+as someone says, "the orphans aren't really orphans," by _Julian
+Tarrant_, whom a select circle acknowledged as the greatest poet that
+the last years of the nineteenth century produced. Miss SHARP earns my
+special admiration by getting through the inevitable description of the
+beginning of the Great War in fewer words than anybody whose attempt I
+have yet encountered, and steers throughout a pleasant course midway
+between a "bestseller" and a "high-brow." _Lydia_, the "pawn," is very
+charming, but quite possibly so, and though, of course, she must marry
+one of the three men interested in her adoption Miss SHARP will probably
+keep most of her readers, as she did me, in doubt as to which it is to
+be until quite the end of the book. I think that he may prove an
+acquired taste with most readers; but directly I found that he was apt
+to quote the reviews in _Punch_ I realised that he was a man of
+discrimination and deserved his good luck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "PROPER FED UP WIV YOU, I AM. CRY, CRY,
+    CRY ALL DAY LONG. I'D 'IT YER OVER THE 'EAD WIV THE
+    BOTTLE IF I WOS A MODERN WOMAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Urgent Request.
+
+    "---- CO-OPERATIVE SOCIETY, LTD.
+
+    Members are requested to hand in their Share Pass Books
+    for Audit Purposes to the Head Office on or before AT
+    ONCE."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rev. ---- writes:--'I have a Cousin residing in the
+    Transvaal who has been living on three plates of
+    porridge made of ---- for five years, and is well and
+    strong on it.'"--_South African Paper._
+
+It sounds very sustaining.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+158, April 28, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, APRIL 28, 1920 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22653.txt or 22653.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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