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diff --git a/22610-h/22610-h.htm b/22610-h/22610-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcdc7cc --- /dev/null +++ b/22610-h/22610-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2927 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 19, 1916, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + hr.pg { width: 100%; + margin-top: 0em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + border: solid black; + height: 5px; } + pre {font-size: 85%; } + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +January 19, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 19, 1916</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p> +<p>Release Date: September 15, 2007 [eBook #22610]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, JANUARY 19, 1916***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 150.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 19, 1916.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>In a description of Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener's</span> +home at Broome Park we read that +on the way there one passes a kind of +crater known by the rustics as "Old +England's Hole." And a little farther +on you come to the man who got Old +England out of it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A German professor advocates the +appointment of State matrimonial +agents. Elderly and experienced ladies +and gentlemen should be employed to +bring young people together, and "unostentatiously +to give them practical +counsel, conveying their remarks tactfully, +and in such a way as not to +awaken the spirit of contradiction +found in youthful minds;" +paying due regard, moreover, +to theories of eugenics and +heredity. The Winged Boy +disguised as an antique German +professor makes an attractive picture.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Some anxiety was caused in +America by the news that the +<span class="sc">Ford</span> Peace party was to meet +in the Zoo at the Hague. But +they have all emerged safely.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Governor of South Carolina, +who was one of the members +of this heroic mission, +left the Hague in a great hurry +and returned to America before +the rest of the delegates. Much +curiosity is expressed as to what +the Governor of North Carolina +will have to say to him on this +occasion.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In spite of the Government's +official discouragement of any +further rise in wages a demand for an +increase of no less than 33-1/3 per cent, +has been made by the "knockers-up" +in the Manchester district. For going +round in the chill hours of the morning +and wakening the workers, these blood-suckers +(chiefly old men and cripples) +receive at present the princely remuneration +of threepence per head per +week; and they have now the effrontery +to ask for fourpence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The German Government has decided +to raise the charge for telegrams. +<span class="sc">Wolff's</span> Bureau has instructed its correspondents +that in order to meet this +new impost the percentage of truth +in its despatches must be still further +diminished.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Before the opening of the Luxemburg +Parliament two members of the Opposition +threw the chairs belonging to +Ministers out of the window. It is +feared that something of the kind may +be attempted at Westminster, since +several Members have been observed to +cast longing eyes upon the Treasury +Bench.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>With a view to increasing the food-supply +the German Government have +extended the time for shooting hares +from January 16th to February 1st, +and for pheasants from February 1st +to March 1st. The dachshund season, +we understand, will be continued for +the duration of the War.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Count <span class="sc">Kospoth</span>, a member of the +Prussian Upper House, in the course +of an energetic plea for economy, remarks +that "at one's country-seat one +can very well do without a motor-car, +and even with two to four horses in +stables instead of six or eight." +This was read with great satisfaction +by the Berlin <i>Hausfrau</i> on a meatless +day when the bread-card was exhausted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The House of Commons was quite +relieved when Sir <span class="sc">George Reid</span> took +his seat. There had been some fears +that he would take two.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A young woman who mistook Vine-street +police station for a tavern, and +was fined ten shillings for drunkenness, +is reported to have expressed the +opinion that there is room for improvement +in the nomenclature of our public +edifices.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"My grave doubt," writes a Conscientious +Objector regarding his fellows, "is +whether there is any reasonable chance +that most of them will be able to convince +a tribunal that their conscientious +objection is real." It may comfort him +to know that his doubt is very widely +shared.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>," writes a soldier +at the Front who has been reading the +Parliamentary reports,—"Do you think +an officer out here who developed +'conscientious objections' might get +a week's leave?"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In the course of a debate in the +Reichstag on the German Press Bureau +it was revealed that the Censor had +struck out quotations from <span class="sc">Goethe</span> as +being dangerous to the State. +Our man who tinkered with +<span class="sc">Kipling</span> is wonderfully bucked +by this intelligence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Bread is the staff of life, and, +in the view of certain officers +in the trenches, whose opinions +we cannot of course guarantee, +the life of the Staff is one long +loaf.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Extracted from the report of +an enthusiastic company commander +after a brisk action +with some tribesmen on the +Indian Frontier: "The men +were behaving exactly as if +on ceremonial parade. They +laughed and talked the whole +time...." We seem to recognise +that parade.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Extract from letter from an Unconscientious Slacker.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/041.png"><img width="100%" src="images/041.png" alt=""/></a> +<p>"<span class="sc">Dear Lord Kitchener</span>,—I am not a good walker, +which prevents my joining the Infantry. As I have no +experience of horses, the Cavalry is also out of the question. +The Artillery I don't care for on account of the noise, and +flying makes me giddy. The A.S.C. does not appeal to me, +and the R.A.M.C. would entail some very unpleasant duties.</p> + +<p>"So you had better not worry about me. Perhaps when +the fine weather comes I may think about the Navy. I am +rather keen on boating...."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"We have from the first declared +that should the voluntary system fail +to supply the men needed to win the +war and who could be spared from +civil war we would accept and support it."</p> + +<p><i>Manchester Guardian.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Unfortunately, to judge by the proceedings +at the Labour Conference, the +claims of civil war are very heavy.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>This paragraph from "Town Topics" +in <i>The Liverpool Echo</i>—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"We know that many of our men—especially +the single ones, judging by the Derby +figures—are sheltering behind skirts"— +</p></blockquote> + +<p>helps to explain this one:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Several lady tram-conductors in the city +declare they are denied the common courtesies +far more by women passengers of the female +gender than by men." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The insistence upon the sex of the uncivil +females is necessary to distinguish +them from the male civilians.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Furnished</span> house (small) wanted in Edinburgh; +with ballroom, h. & c."—<i>Scotsman.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Hot for the chaperons and cold for the +dancers.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + +<h2>TO THE PRO-SHIRKERS.</h2> + +<blockquote class="note">[Thirty-nine Members voted against the Second Reading of the +Military Service Bill.]</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"> You that in civilian lobbies,</p> +<p class="i10"> While the battle-thunder rolls,</p> +<p class="i10"> Hug your little party hobbies,</p> +<p class="i10"> So to save your little souls,</p> +<p>Treating England's deadly peril like a topic for the polls;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"> Half of you—the record's written—</p> +<p class="i10"> Lately strode to Downing Street</p> +<p class="i10"> And for love of Little Britain</p> +<p class="i10"> Wallowed at the <span class="sc">Premier</span>'s feet,</p> +<p>Urging him to check the wanton waste of our superfluous Fleet.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"> Had your passionate prayer been granted</p> +<p class="i10"> And the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> got his way,</p> +<p class="i10"> Teuton crushers might be planted</p> +<p class="i10"> On our hollow tums to-day,</p> +<p>And a grateful foe be asking what you want for traitors' pay.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"> Disappointed with the Navy,</p> +<p class="i10"> You in turn were keen about</p> +<p class="i10"> Putting Thomas in the gravy,</p> +<p class="i10"> Leaving Thomas up the spout,</p> +<p>Lest if adequately aided he should wipe the strafers out.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"> Well, our memories may be rotten,</p> +<p class="i10"> Yet they'll stick to you all right;</p> +<p class="i10"> Not so soon shall be forgotten</p> +<p class="i10"> Those whose hearts were fixed more tight</p> +<p>On the salvage of a fetish than the winning of the fight.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"> When the Bosches bite the gutter</p> +<p class="i10"> And we let our tongues go loose,</p> +<p class="i10"> Franker words I hope to utter</p> +<p class="i10"> In the way of free abuse,</p> +<p>But at present I am badly hampered by the party truce.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WHITTLING THEM DOWN.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—I know you must be longing to have +my analysis of the Derby figures. I hasten to comply, for +I may say that I have never, since the War began, had +finer scope for my individual talents. Never have I had—not +even in the great Copper Controversy—a bunch of +figures of which it may more truly be said that they are +not what they seem, that there is more in them than meets +the eye, and that they contain wheels within wheels. +And first of all, Sir, I hope you will allow me to explain +where I am in this matter; everybody's doing it; and you +will then see at once the moral grandeur of my attitude. +I am a convinced believer in the Voluntary System, always +have been—on principle. But I am willing to sacrifice +even that for victory. If it can be shown that by compulsion +<i>one single man</i> can be added to our forces who would +not have volunteered (even if he had been scientifically +bullied), I will be willing to adopt conscription. But, Sir, +it cannot be shown.</p> + +<p>The crux of the situation admittedly lies with the figures +of the Single Men. (In case of misapprehension I should +make it clear that when I spoke above of "one single man" +I did not mean one unmarried man, but one sole man). +We have to begin our attack upon this figure of 651,160 +unstarred single men unaccounted for. It seems a good +many. But wait a bit. We shall now proceed to concentrate +a powerful succession of deductions. It only needs a +fearless and patriotic ingenuity.</p> + +<p>Let us not disregard obvious facts. From this number +we must subtract—</p> + +<p>(1) Ministers of religion: 5 per cent.<br/> +(2) Mercantile Marine: 5 "<br/> +(3) Medically unfit: 40 "<br/> +(4) Criminals: 1-3/4 "<br/> +(5) Badged: 10 "<br/> +(6) Indispensables: 10 " +</p> + +<p>Total 71-3/4 per cent. You see we are already getting on. +But before going any further we had better consolidate the +ground already won by making certain additions, in case +any one man has been counted twice. These are—</p> + +<p> +(1) Ministers of religion who are also medically unfit.<br/> +(2) Criminals in the mercantile marine.<br/> +(3) Ministers of religion in the mercantile marine.<br/> +(4) Criminals who are medically unfit.<br/> +(5) Indispensable criminals.<br/> +(6) Badged criminal ministers of religion. +</p> + +<p>These categories taken together may be put at 7-1/4 per +cent. of our 71-3/4 per cent., and must be deducted from the +deductions. There are also the blind, halt and maimed, +deaf, dumb and inebriate, but I am willing to throw all +of them in so as to be on the safe side.</p> + +<p>So far we have to deduct, then, some 66-1/2 per cent. from +our total. We must do better than that if we are to get on +the right side of negligibility. So now we come to examine +the canvass. A good many men were not canvassed, or at +least misunderstood the canvasser. I know of one man +in my constituency (unstarred, unbadged, fit, single and +of army age) who thought the fellow had come to collect +for Foreign Missions, to which he has a conscientious +objection.</p> + +<p>Along with these I propose to deduct the great class of +what I shall call the Self-centred. These are they who +not only were never canvassed, but didn't even so much as +hear about it, who had probably given up newspapers as a +war economy and were living quiet virtuous lives in out-of-the-way +places. Add to them removals and conscientious +objectors (<i>less</i> allowance for conscientious removals) and +we have a total not short of 27-1/2 per cent.</p> + +<p>Then again, as the supply of recruits becomes exhausted, +it must always be remembered that we are dealing with a +residuum. That is to say, those that remain are always +growing more conscientious, more criminal, more unfit, +more mercantile and so on. However, I count nothing for +that, for I haven't much of my total left to dispose of, and +I have still to deal with spoiled cards.</p> + +<p>Everyone who has assisted at a contested election knows +very well that many mistakes occur. I propose to allow 3 +per cent. for illegible cards which prevented the canvasser +from tracking his prey, 4 per cent. for those who failed to +find the recruiting office owing to misdirection, but will be +sure to find it before long, and 1/2 per cent. for sundries, such +as men who were temporarily confined to the house.</p> + +<p>Our final result is thoroughly satisfactory, and one that +must give Compulsionists some food for thought, for however +much they may wish to introduce the principle they +cannot desire to reduce our forces in the field in the middle +of a great war. In a word, we must deduct 101-1/2 per +cent. from 651,160. That gives us an adverse balance +of 9,767. This means that, if the present Bill is to go +through and compulsion is definitely adopted, nearly half a +division of our present army must be disbanded forthwith. +It is just as well that we should see clearly what we are +heading for.</p> + +<p>It has given me great pleasure to have the opportunity +of clearing up this vexed question.</p> + +<p>I am, Yours as usual,</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Statistician. Bis.</span></p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <h3>For neutrals</h3> + <a href="images/043a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/043a.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">"Why do we torpedo passenger ships? + Because we are being starved by the infamous English."</span></p> +</div> +<div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <h3>For natives</h3> + <a href="images/043b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/043b.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">"Who says we are in distress? + Look what our splendid organisation is doing!"</span></p> +</div> + +<p>.............</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + +<hr/> + +<h3>THE IRREPRESSIBLES.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/045.png"><img width="100%" src="images/045.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Nurse</i> (<i>of private hospital</i>). <span class="sc">"A message has just come in to ask if the hospital will make a little less noise, as the +lady next door has a touch of headache."</span></p> +</div> +<hr/> + +<h2>EVEN.</h2> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +["Even the food of the men was wholesome +and abundant."—<i>Report</i> of a German Correspondent +who visited the High Canal +Fleet.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Sing ho! for the Fleet in the Kiel Canal.</p> +<p>Where every man is the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>'s pal,</p> +<p class="i2">And lives upon beer and bread;</p> +<p>And they all have food, so help them <span class="sc">Bill</span>!</p> +<p>For every officer gets his fill</p> +<p class="i2">And even the men are fed.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>His beard as long as his hair is short,</p> +<p><span class="sc">Von Tirpitz</span> says with a mighty snort,</p> +<p class="i2">"We've money and men and boats;</p> +<p>We're here to-day and we're here to-morrow;</p> +<p>Pass up the beer and drink death to sorrow;</p> +<p class="i2">Why, even our Navy floats!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Behind the locks of our snug retreat</p> +<p>We hurl defiance at <span class="sc">Jellicoe's</span> Fleet</p> +<p class="i2">From Rosyth down to Dover!</p> +<p>We look across at the wet, wet sea</p> +<p>And we drink our beer till even we</p> +<p class="i2">Are almost half-seas over!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Our men can eat, and they even drink;</p> +<p>They walk and talk, and they almost think;</p> +<p class="i2">They can turn to the left and right;</p> +<p>And when we strike a blow in the back,</p> +<p>Or sink a liner or fishing-smack,</p> +<p class="i2">By Odin, they even fight!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>Two headlines that appeared side by +side in the same issue of an Evening +Paper:—</p> + +<p>"WOMAN WILL PROBABLY BE TRIED +IN CAMERA.<br/> +GERMAN FEARS FOR LENS."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"'Most of the world's real literature was +written by poor authors in their garrets.'</p> + +<p>'Quite so. Homer, for example, wrote in +the Attic.'"—<i>Evening Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Did he now? And we were always +taught that he wrote (or, rather, sang) +in the Ionic.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From an article on the Clyde disputes:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Contrary to the instructions of the +Munitions Ministry, peace-prices are sometimes +reduced, with resulting friction."</p> + +<p><i>Daily News.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We are glad to learn that the Scotch +workmen do not belong to the peace-at-any-price +brigade.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE CONQUEST.</h2> + +<p>Every January so long as I can +remember it has been difficult; but +this year more so than ever. I cannot +say why, except that last year was +peculiarly eventful and momentous.</p> + +<p>The odd thing is that one begins so +well. For the first day, at any rate, +one can do it quite easily; but it is +after then that one has to be vigilant; +and however vigilant one is there are +off-guard moments when the fatal slip +occurs.</p> + +<p>Nor will any mechanical device +assist you, for nothing can successfully +defeat the wandering of the mind. +Continuous concentration is an impossibility; +there is nothing for it but +habit—a new habit that shall be as +strong as the old—or the total cessation +of all correspondence and (O that +'twere possible!) all making out of +cheques.</p> + +<p>Still conquest comes sooner or later, +and I have reached that point in my +own struggle. I have at last finally +got over the tendency to write 1915.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"As a result of the Labour Conference at +Westminster yesterday, a resolution was sunk +on Lake Tanganyika."—<i>Western Daily Press.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The best place for it.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + +<h2>A NEW THEATRICAL VENTURE.</h2> + +<p>A friend of mine has started as +manager of his first theatre these +holidays. It may seem to you an unpropitious +moment for such a beginning, +but in many ways this special theatre +is exceptionally well guaranteed against +failure. The proprietor was kind enough +to invite my presence at his opening +performance. As a matter of fact I +had myself put up the money for it.</p> + +<p>Naturally I was anxious for the thing +to be a success. The theatre stands +on what you could truthfully call a +commanding situation at one +end of the schoolroom table. +It is an elegant renaissance +edifice of wood and cardboard, +with a seating accommodation +only limited by the +dimensions of the schoolroom +itself, and varying with the +age of the audience. The +lighting effects are provided +in theory by a row of oil +foot-lamps, so powerful as to +be certain, if kindled, to consume +the entire building; in +practice, therefore, by a number +of candle-ends, stuck in +the wings on their own +grease. These not only furnish +illumination, but, when +extinguished (as they constantly +are by falling scenery) +produce a penetrating aroma +which is specially dear to the +managerial nostrils.</p> + +<p>The manager, to whom I +have already had the pleasure +of introducing you, is Peter. +I have been impatiently waiting +for the moment of Peter's +first theatre, these nine years. +Like marbles or <i>Treasure +Island</i>, it is at once a landmark +and a milestone in the +present-giving career of an +uncle. So I had devoted some considerable +care to its selection.</p> + +<p>In one respect Peter's theatre reminds +me of the old Court in the days +of the <span class="sc">Vedrenne-Barker</span> repertory. +You recall how one used to see the +same people at every performance, a +permanent nucleus of spectators that +never varied? The difference is that +Peter's permanent nucleus are neither +so individually agreeable nor in any +true sense enthusiasts of the drama. +Indeed, being painted on the proscenium, +with their backs to the stage, +the effect they produce is one of studied +indifference. Nay more, a horrible suspicion +about them refused to be banished +from my thoughts; it was based partly +upon the costumes of the ladies, partly +on the undeniably Teutonic suggestion +in the gentlemen's uniforms. However, +I said nothing about this to Peter.</p> + +<p>Despite the presence of these unpleasing +persons, the opening performance +must be pronounced a real success. +Perhaps more as a spectacle than anything +else. Scenically the show was +a triumph; the memory of the Forest +Glade especially will remain with me +for weeks by reason of the stiff neck +I got from contorting myself under +Peter's guidance to the proper angle +for its appreciation. But histrionically +it must be confessed that things +dragged a little. Perhaps this was +due to a certain severity, not to say +baldness, in the dialogue as spoken. +Not having read the script, I have a +feeling that it might be unfair to judge +the unknown author by the lines as +rendered by Peter, who was often pre-occupied +with other anxieties. As, for +example, the scene in the Baronial +Castle between its noble but unscrupulous +proprietor and a character introduced +by Peter with the simple notice: +"This is a murderer coming on now."</p> + +<p><i>Baron.</i> Oh, are you a murderer?</p> + +<p><i>Murderer.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Bar.</i> Oh, well, you've got to murder +the Princess.</p> + +<p><i>Murd.</i> All right.</p> + +<p><i>Bar.</i> That's all of that scene.</p> + +<p>Crisp, of course, and to the point; +but I feel sure that there must have +been more in the interview as originally +written.</p> + +<p>Perhaps, again, the cast was to blame +for whatever may have been disappointing +in the performance. Individually +they were a fine company, passionate +and wiry of gesture, and full of energy. +Indeed their chief fault sprang from an +incapacity to remain motionless in +repose. This led to a notable lack of +balance. However sensational it may +be for the exit of every character to +bring down the house, its effect is +unfortunately to retard the action of +the piece.</p> + +<p>Personally I consider that +the women were the worst +offenders. Take the heroine, +for example. Lovely she may +have been, though in a style +more appreciated by the late +<span class="sc">George Cruikshank</span> than by +myself; but looks are not +everything. Art simply didn't +exist for her. Revue might +have been her real line; or, +better still, a strong-woman +turn on the Halls. There +was the episode, for instance, +where, having to prostrate +herself before the Baron, she +insisted upon a backward exit +(with the usual result) and +then made an acrobatic re-entrance +on her knees.</p> + +<p>Tolerant as he was, even +Peter began at last to grow +impatient at the vagaries of +his company. Finally, when +the Executioner (a mere +walker-on of no importance +whatever) had twice brought +ridicule upon the ultimate +solemnities of the law by +his introduction of comic +dives off the scaffold, the +manager rang down the curtain. +Not before it was time.</p> + +<p>"They're lovely to look +at," he observed, surveying the supine +cast, "but awfully difficult to do anything +with."</p> + +<p>"Peter," I answered gratefully, "as +an estimate of the theatrical profession +your last remark could hardly be improved +upon."</p> + +<p>Of course he didn't understand; but, +being dramatist as well as uncle, I +enjoyed saying it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/046.png"><img width="100%" src="images/046.png" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>Nervous Country Gentleman</i> (<i>as taxi just misses an island</i>). "<span class="sc">Do +drive carefully, please. I'm not accustomed to taxis</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Driver</i> "<span class="sc">That's funny! I ain't used to 'em, neither. As +a matter o' fact I've only taken this on for a bet</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"February 3.—A total eclipse of the sun, +partly visible at Greenwich as a partial eclipse. +Eclipse begins to be visible at Greenwich at +4.31 <span class="sc">P. M.</span>; ends after the sun has set."</p> + +<p>"February 3.—A partial eclipse of the +moon, partly visible at Greenwich. Begins +at 4.31 <span class="sc">P. M.</span>"—<i>Churchman's Almanack.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This double obscuration will make +navigation very difficult for sky-pilots.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> + +<h2>BADGES.</h2> + +<p>My companion had the habit of +muttering to himself and I was relieved +when he leant over and spoke to +me. He was a dry little man of middle +age, with a nervous kindly face and +eyes that twinkled with the voluntary +spirit. I had seen him on summer +evenings clipping his hedge and pruning +his roses, for we lived nearly opposite +to each other. Suddenly he emerged +from his newspaper and said in a quick +determined way, "What this country +wants, Sir, is more buttonholes. The +best suits have only two buttonholes; +that is to say, only two that are +superfluous, the rest are all needed by +buttons. It's a scandal, Sir!"</p> + +<p>"Isn't there one at the bottom of +the waistcoat?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Quite useless," he said with much +energy, though smiling very kindly. +"Quite useless for the purpose. The +matter," he added, "would not be so +urgent if we had more sleeves. Worse +even than the dearth of buttonholes is +the lack of eligible sleeves. In peace +time two sleeves may have been sufficient; +to-day ... Well, you can sympathise." +He looked (still smiling) at +the khaki armlet that bound my arm +and the Special Constable's badge that +nestled in my overcoat.</p> + +<p>He had the shy decisiveness of a man +who seldom spoke his mind. If necessary +I would have wrested his name +from him and pretended a relationship +with his wife. But he needed no +encouragement.</p> + +<p>"At the beginning, when one was +just a special constable, it didn't matter +so much. I wore my badge and my +armlet when I was on duty and sometimes +when I was not. Even when I +joined our Volunteer Corps I was not +seriously embarrassed. After all, one +could alternate the badges and the +armlets and, at a pinch, wear them all +together. Then I became an unskilled +munition worker, which meant three +badges and two armlets. At first I +wore two on my overcoat and three +inside. Then I would give some of +them a rest, generally to find that I was +wearing the wrong ones on the wrong +occasions. Altogether it was very confusing."</p> + +<p>"So far," I said with some sympathy, +"I can follow you. I am myself +an unskilled War Office clerk; but +you have forgotten Lord <span class="sc">Derby's</span> +armlet, which at the moment has the +place of honour with me."</p> + +<p>"No," he said, "I have that too. +And I have another badge. I earned +it on New Year's Day."</p> + +<p>He took off his spectacles and rubbed +them mechanically. It gave him a +very detached appearance and he spoke +gently, without malice.</p> + +<p>"I have an aunt," he said, "by self-election, +a most worthy woman, who +was my mother's cousin. It came to +her ears that I had become a teetotaler +for the duration of the war. It +appears that there is a badge for temporary +teetotalers. She brought me +one. She begged me with tears in her +eyes to wear it. I remonstrated. I +pointed out that if every public and +private virtue is to be symbolised in this +fashion, people with few vices and a +willing heart would soon be perpetually +in fancy-dress."</p> + +<p>"And what happened?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"I wavered for a time and then +happily I found a way out. A few days +ago it occurred to me that there must +be other means, as yet untried, of advertising +one's patriotism. I saw a notice +in a restaurant I sometimes go to, 'No +Germans or Austrians Employed Here.' +'Happy proprietor,' I said, 'who can +so trumpet his honesty without increasing +either his badges or his armlets!' +The fact is that it set me thinking. +Eventually I hit on a plan. It was +very disappointing to my aunt, but it +answers wonderfully."</p> + +<p>"May I ask?" I said; "it might be +useful."</p> + +<p>"Oh, certainly, certainly. We have +bought a little enamelled plate and had +it fixed to our gate. You may have +noticed it. It has the words, 'No +Bottles.'"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE MASCOT.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/047.png"><img width="100%" src="images/047.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Adoring Damsel.</i> "<span class="sc">And you <i>will</i> wear it always, <i>won't you</i></span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Popular young Sub.</i> "<span class="sc">Thanks awfully. It's frightfully decent of you, and +all that, but—er—you see, there's a lot of other little chaps waitin' to do +their bit; I'm afraid he'll have to take his turn with the rest</span>." </p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">My dear Charles</span>,—You didn't catch +sight of any mention of me in despatches, +did you? I have been rather too busy +myself to read the list properly, but I +did just have time to cast a casual eye +over the "H's," and I didn't notice the +name of "Henry" standing out in +heavy-leaded capitals. It must be an inadvertence, +of course. They must have +said something about me, as, for instance: +"Especially to be remarked is +the noble altruism of Lieut. Henry, +who on more than one march has been +observed to take his pack, containing +all his worldly goods, off his back and +to hand it without ostentation to some +lucky driver of a limber, saying, 'Take +it, my lad; your need is greater than +mine.'" Or again, referring to my +later career: "The pen is mightier +than the sword, but Lieut. Henry's indelible +pencil, when engaged on official +correspondence, is mightier than both." +Or at least, at the very beginning of +things, I'm quite sure the Mentioner +devoted a passing phrase to me: "By +the way, I have just received a consignment +described on the Movement Order +as 'Officer, one, Henry, Lieut.' Speaking +frankly as between ourselves, what is +it exactly? In any case I would gladly +exchange for a dozen tins of bully beef."</p> + +<p>Talking of despatches, I see that our +old friend the Regimental Anarchist has +not escaped notice. I never thought +he would, for a less unnoticeable man I +don't remember meeting. He is one of +those big untidy fellows, very nice for +purposes of war and all that, whom not +the cleverest adjutant could manage to +conceal on a ceremonial parade. His +service equipment alone was notorious +in the division. While we were still in +England he and I used to share a +billet. Every night the last thing I +saw before going to sleep was the +Anarchist trying on a new piece of +personal furniture. He had at least a +hundred aunts, and each of them had +at least a hundred bright ideas; besides +which few days went by but he paid a +generous visit to the military outfitter. +Never in my life shall I forget the +sight of him during our last moments +at home. While others were stuffing +into themselves the last good meal +they expected to taste for three years or +the duration, he was putting on patent +waterproof after patent waterproof. He +stepped forth at last, sweating at every +pore, and it wasn't raining at the time +and didn't look like raining till next +winter. The 38-lb. limit prevented his +putting more than four coats into his +valise, and his method of packing +didn't economise space. If there had +been any limit, however generous, to +the amount of room an officer may +occupy in the column of route we'd +have had to go abroad without our +Anarchist, and a much quieter and +more respectable life we'd have had +that way.</p> + +<p>Even in our earliest days in B.E.F., +when we were well behind the firing +line, he started playing with fire. +Thinking that we shared his low tastes +he would gather us round him and +lecture us on the black arts.—"This +little fellow," he would say, fetching an +infernal machine out of his pocket—"this +little fellow is as safe as houses +provided he has no detonator in his +little head. But we will just make +sure." A flutter of excitement would +pass round the audience as he started +unscrewing the top to make sure. "Of +course," he'd continue, finding the +screw a bit stiff and getting absorbed +in his toy—"of course, if there <i>should</i> +happen to be a detonator inside, you +have only to tickle it and almost +anything may happen." While he'd +be struggling with the screw, the front +row of the audience would be shifting +its ground to give the back rows a +better view. "You can't be too careful," +he'd say, passing it lightly from +one hand to the other in order to search +for his well-known clasp-knife, "for +if you're not careful," he'd explain, +tucking the bomb under his arm so +as to have both hands free to open +the knife—"if you're not careful," +he'd say, suddenly letting go the knife +in order to catch the bomb as it slid +from his precarious hold—"if you're +not very careful" (getting to real business +with the murderous blade), "very—very—careful...." +But none of us +were ever near enough by that time +to hear what would happen if we +weren't (or even if he wasn't).</p> + +<p>And then those strange nights in the +trenches, when he and I used to be on +duty together! I would be waiting in +our luxurious, brightly-lit gin-palace of +a dug-out for him to join me at our +midnight lunch. He'd come in at last, +clad in his fleece lining, the only survivor +of his extensive collection of +overcoats, its absence of collar giving +him a peculiarly clerical look. He'd +sit down to his cocoa, but hardly be +started on the day before yesterday's +newspaper (just arrived with the +rations) before the private bombardment +would begin. I would spring to +attention; he would go on reading. +"Hush!" I'd say. (Why "Hush!" +I don't know.) "What's all that +for?" "Me," he'd say, turning to +the personal column. And then I'd +know that, seizing the opportunity of +being unobserved, he'd been out for +nocturnal stroll with a handful of +bombs, seeking a little innocent pleasure. +The gentlemen opposite, not +being cricketers themselves or knowing +anything about the slow bowler, had, +as usual, mistaken him for a trench +mortar and were making a belated reply.</p> + +<p>Only his servant accompanied him +on these jaunts. He was a nice quiet +villain, whose lust for adventure had, +I always imagine, been long ago satisfied +by a dozen or so gentle burglaries +in his civilian past. He didn't want +to kill people; his job in life was to +keep his master alive and well fed. +So when the latter went out bombing +he thought he might as well go out +with him, and occupy himself picking +turnips for to-morrow's stew.</p> + +<p>When the Anarchist wasn't distributing +bombs he was collecting +bullets. Being untidy by nature, he +didn't particularly care where they hit +him, provided they didn't damage his +pipe. That was all he cared about, his +lyddite and his tobacco. I often wonder +how it was he didn't get the two habits +of his life mixed up—fill a pipe with +H.E., light it and finish off that way. +But he didn't; he has just gone on +collecting lead, letting it accumulate +about his person until it got too heavy +to be convenient and then resorting to +the nearest hospital to have it removed. +I hear he's there now, the result, I +gather, of a bit of a show. It was his +servant who was walking about that +unhealthy field at that imprudent time +and found him. One would like to +paint a romantic picture of the meeting, +but I doubt if there was much +romance about it. I am quite sure all +the Anarchist cared about was his +tobacco pouch and all the servant was +interested in was the further collection +of vegetables, just in case.</p> + +<p>I can see our Anarchist, lying in his +little white bed in the hospital, surrounded +by his sevenpenny racing +novels (with or without covers), his +tins of navy-cut (some empty, some +full), his fleece lining, his compass, +his socks, his field-glasses, his ties, +his revolver and his last month's +letters (some opened, some not), all +jumbled happily together, with his +ragged old shaving-brush reigning +proudly in the midst. I doubt if he +knows he's been "mentioned," for one +could never get him to take interest in +any news which wasn't "sporting"; +possibly he is made suspicious by the +uncomfortable presence of unopened +telegrams in all corners of his bed. +But one thing I do hope, and that is +that this bed is, at any rate, not +strewn, inside and out, with unexploded +hand-grenades.</p> + +<p>Yours ever, <span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + +<h3>WARFARE AT THE BARBER'S.</h3> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/049a.png"><img width="300" src="images/049a.png" alt=""/></a> + <p>"<span class="sc">What do you think of the paper this morning, Sir</span>?"</p> +</div> +<div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/049b.png"><img width="300" src="images/049b.png" alt=""/></a> + <p>"<span class="sc">Quite time we had compulsion, eh</span>?"</p> +</div> +<p>....................</p> +<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/049c.png"><img width="300" src="images/049c.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">"No good shutting our eyes to facts."</span></p> +</div> +<div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/049d.png"><img width="300" src="images/049d.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">"What we want is more energy."</span></p> +</div> +<p>....................</p> +<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/049e.png"><img width="300" src="images/049e.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">"Of course mistakes will happen"—</span></p> +</div> +<div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/049f.png"><img width="300" src="images/049f.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">"And it's no good pouring cold water on enthusiasm."</span></p> +</div> +<p>....................</p> +<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/049g.png"><img width="300" src="images/049g.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">"I'm hoping for that 'forward push' in the Spring."</span></p> +</div> +<div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/049h.png"><img width="300" src="images/049h.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">"Well, it will be a great relief when it's all over."</span></p> +</div> +<p>....................</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/050.png"><img width="100%" src="images/050.png" alt=""/></a><p>PRUSSIAN DREAM OF PEACE IN THE SPRING.</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PROVINCIAL PATRIOTS.</h2> + +<p><i>From Jim Figgis, Whitty Bridge, to +George Roberts, South Farm, Sudborough.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dec. 5th.</i> 1915.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear George</span>,—I hear the remount +officer is coming round your part. I +have a compact little bay horse, just +the sort for the Army. We must all +do our bit now, so here's our chance. +The Vet says the horse has laminitis in +his off fore foot, but it's all my eye. +Anyhow he's the useful sort they require +for the Army. They wouldn't +look at me if I offered him, but you +can get round them. Give me fifty +quid and I'll send him over.</p> + +<p>Your friend, <span class="sc">J. Figgis</span>.</p> + + +<p><i>From George Roberts to Jim Figgis.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dec. 7th,</i> 1915.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Jim</span>,—Yours to hand. No one +can say that you're not a good patriot, +and I won't be No. 2. But fifty quid +for that little horse—not me. Say +thirty and he's mine, sound or unsound.</p> + +<p>Yours, <span class="sc">G. Roberts</span>.</p> + + +<p><i>George Roberts to the Hon. Mordaunt +Fopstone, White Lion Hotel, Sudborough.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dec. 10th,</i> 1915.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—Hearing you are looking +out for horses for the Army I write to +say I have one or two which I shall be +pleased to place at your disposal and +at a very reasonable price, as in these +times we must all give up something +for the country. I shall be pleased to +see you at any time convenient, except +Tuesday, when I have to be at our local +Agricultural Show.</p> + +<p>Yours to command,</p> + +<p><span class="sc">G. Roberts</span>.</p> + +<p><i>From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone to +George Roberts.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dec. 11th,</i> 1915.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—Thank you for your +letter. It is very satisfactory to find +local people of your position anxious +to help. I will call at your farm on +Friday next and see the horses you +refer to. With thanks,</p> + +<p>Yours truly, <span class="sc"> M. Fopstone</span>.</p> + +<p>P.S.—I have been warned against a +man named Figgis. Do you know +him?</p> + + +<p><i>From George Roberts to the +Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dec. 13th,</i> 1915.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—Friday will suit me very +well for your call, at any time you +please. You are quite right to avoid +Figgis; he is one of the small horse-dealing +class who are a discredit to our +country districts. Any further information +is at your service.</p> + +<p>Yours to command, <span class="sc">G. Roberts</span>.</p> + +<p><i>From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone +to George Roberts.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dec. 21st</i>, 1915.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Roberts</span>,—I have now +pleasure in enclosing cheque for £65 +for bay horse. As stated to you when +I called at South Farm, I was not in +a position to go beyond £60 without +further authorisation; this I have +now obtained. Thanking you for the +patriotic spirit you have shown in this +little business,</p> + +<p>Yours truly, <span class="sc">M. Fopstone</span>.</p> + + +<p><i>From the Adjutant, Royal Beetshire +Hussars, Tickful Camp, to Messrs. +Davison Bros., The Mart, Southtown.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jan. 1st,</i> 1916.</p> + +<p>Please enter bay gelding, aged, sent +herewith, in your next sale without +reserve, as he is not sound and of no +use to Army.</p> + + +<p><i>Memo. from Davison Bros. to Adjutant.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jan. 17th</i>, 1916.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—Herewith please find +cheque £5 4<i>s.</i> 3<i>d.</i> for bay gelding, +being amount realised for same, less +our commission and expenses.</p> + +<p>Yours faithfully, <span class="sc">Davison Bros</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>The Times</i> heads an article, "Unity +in the Air." It deals, however, with +the new Anglo-French Aviation Conference +and has nothing to do with the +latest <i>Peter Pan</i>.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + +<h3>GALLIPOLI-AND AFTER?</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/051.png"><img width="100%" src="images/051.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Sultan</span>. "CONGRATULATE ME, WILLIAM. NO ENGLISH REMAIN. I'VE DRIVEN THEM +ALL INTO THE SEA!"</p> +<p><span class="sc">Kaiser</span>. "VERY CARELESS OF YOU. <i>WHY, THAT'S THEIR ELEMENT!</i>"</p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/053.png"><img width="100%" src="images/053.png" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>The <span class="sc">Speaker</span></i> (<i>lapsing for the first time from Parliamentary etiquette at the sight of Sir <span class="sc">George Reid</span> ready to take his seat in the +House</i>). "<span class="sc"><i>Advance, Australia</i></span>!"</p></div> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, January +10th</i>.—In spite of sharp rebuke +administered by <span class="sc">Speaker</span> last week the +<span class="sc">Pertinacious Pringle</span> to the fore again—to +be precise, to the <i>Forward</i>. This +the name of weekly paper that is published +in Clyde district, and has of late +emerged from obscurity by "deliberately +inciting workers," as <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> +said, "not to carry out Act of Parliament +passed in order to promote the output +of munitions." On motion for adjournment +<span class="sc">Pringle</span> perceived opportunity +of attacking <span class="sc">Minister of Munitions</span>. +Accused him of suppressing the sheet +because it had reported proceedings at +meetings attended by him in Glasgow, +at which his speech was interrupted by +noisy minority. This course of procedure +imitated by <span class="sc">Pringle</span> when +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, replying, quoted passages +in the paper making violent attack +on the <span class="sc">King</span> and systematic attempts +to stem flood of recruiting.</p> + +<p>"These things," said the <span class="sc">Minister</span>, in +passage loudly cheered, "meant life or +death to our men in the field. They are +not suitable matters for Parliamentary +sport. We are dealing in tragedies. I +am doing my best to save the men at +the Front. I am entitled to be helped, +not to be harried."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Outhwaite</span>, coming to assistance of +<span class="sc">Pringle</span>, otherwise prangling all forlorn, +jumped upon by Captain <span class="sc">Campbell</span>.</p> + +<p>"If I had the Hon. Member in my +battalion at the Front," he said, "he +would be strung up by the thumbs before +he had been there half-an-hour."</p> + +<p>This scarcely Parliamentary; but it +passed the Chair, leaving the gallant +Captain, who modestly wears well-won +ribbon of D.S.O., time to adjure the +House to "get on with the War."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In House barely half +full Motion carried calling upon Government +to enter into consultation with +the Overseas Dominions in order to +bring economic strength of Empire into +co-operation with our Allies in a policy +directed against the enemy.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Said with truth that a +speech in the House of Commons, +however forcible and eloquent, rarely +influences a vote. Some orators, however, +have gift of stirring the soul +to emotions that carry a man to actions +beyond range of conventionality. Such +an one is the Right Hon. <span class="sc">Thomas +Lough</span>, commonly and affectionately +known through several Parliaments as +"Tommy." One of small faction of +Liberals who have not withdrawn +opposition to Military Service Bill. +Declaiming against it just now on +motion for Second Reading, he described +it as a sham.</p> + +<p>"It is not true," he said, "that young +unmarried men have held back. On +the contrary they have come forward +nobly and in great numbers."</p> + +<p>Vindication of a maligned class so +affected somebody seated in the Strangers' +Gallery that he loudly clapped his +hands. This a decided breach of +order. The Assyrians (in form of +Gallery attendants) came down upon +him like a wolf on the fold. Ordered +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> +him to withdraw. He explained that +he was so entirely at one with argument +of the Hon. Member for West +Islington that he preferred to remain +to listen to continuance of his speech. +Assyrians insistent on his immediate +departure. Martial spirit of young +unmarried man roused. Refused to +budge. Whereupon the Assyrians, +lifting him out of the seat, carried him +forth <i>vi et armis</i>—free translation, by +legs and arms.</p> + +<p>From his seat below the Gangway +Mr. <span class="sc">Flavin</span> watched procedure with +wistful eyes. Remembered how towards +break of day dawning on an all-night +sitting held towards the close of +last century he also was carried forth +shoulder high, not by officers of the +House in nice white shirt fronts, with +glittering badges hung round their necks, +but by the common or street policeman +helmeted and belted. As he journeyed +he sang, "God save Ireland," his compatriots, +more or less attuned, joining +in the chorus.</p> + +<p>Recognition of historical incident +sharply marks contrast in attitude of +Irish Members then and now. Still +fighting for Home Rule they stopped +short of no outrage upon order, systematically +and successfully obstructing +public business. Military Service Bill +offers enticing opportunities for exercise +of old tactics. They might, if they +pleased, keep House sitting for weeks +fighting Bill in Committee line by line, +word by word, as was their custom of +an afternoon, and half-way through the +night, in days of old. Other times +other manners. Interposing early in +debate <span class="sc">John Redmond</span> announced that +his party, having made their protest +against Bill in Division Lobby on +First Reading, would withdraw from +further opposition.</p> + +<p><i>Business done</i>—Second Reading of +Military Service Bill moved.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Sir <span class="sc">George Reid</span>, having +completed term of service as High +Commissioner of Australia, took his +seat as Member for St. George's, Hanover +Square. Carefully dismounting at +Bar from his native steed he was introduced +by <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, Unionist Colonial +Secretary, and <span class="sc">Harcourt</span>, Colonial +Secretary in late Liberal Government. +This concatenation of circumstance, +testifying to universal esteem and exceptional +personal popularity, unique +in Parliamentary records.</p> + +<p>New-comer will serve in double +capacity. Nominally Member for St. +George's, he will also be Member for +Australia, an innovation that will probably +have wider scope and formal +recognition when the Overseas Dominions +have completed their splendid +work of helping the Mother Country +to bring the War to triumphant conclusion.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">George Reid's</span> career on a new stage +will be watched with keen interest in +his two antipodal homes. Since, six +years ago, he came to London, he has +acquired the reputation of being one of +the best after-dinner speakers of the +day. How will the qualities that ensure +success in that direction serve him at +Westminster? <span class="sc">Macaulay</span> truly said, +"The House of Commons is the most +peculiar audience in the world. A place +in which I would not promise success +to any man."</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Member for Sark</span> puts his +money (or such portion as is left +after paying War taxes) on the Member +for St. George's, Hanover Square-<i>cum</i>-Australia.</p> + +<p>Debate on Second Reading of Military +Service Bill resumed. Best thing +said during two days' talk was an incidental +remark of <span class="sc">Birrell's</span>. Relating +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> +history of Bill in Cabinet he said he +had felt it his duty to say something +about Ireland.</p> + +<p>"What I said," he added, "is of +course known only to those of my +colleagues who were sitting round the +table and to such representatives of the +London Press as were sitting underneath +it."</p> + +<p>This hint explains mystery clouding +the fact that whilst the secrets of Cabinet +Councils are held to be inviolable +there are morning papers able habitually +to give detailed information of what +passes behind the locked and barred +doors.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Second Reading of +Military Service Bill carried by 431 +votes against 39.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—After advancing three +minor Government Bills a stage, House +adjourned at 5.30.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/055.png"><img width="100%" src="images/055.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Guest</i> (<i>who has been asked to a theatre dinner-party</i>). "<span class="sc">I say, I thought—</span>"</p> +<p><i>Host.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, don't bother about your clothes, old chap. People will only think you're a bit old-fashioned</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Official Style.</h3> + +<p>Extract from an Indian Service +register:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Service Order 41 of 1914, dated 16-10-14. +He was appointed acting Forest Guard and +posted to Surumoni beat, in place of Chowdri +Zaicko, Forest Guard, who was devoured by a +tiger with effect from the forenoon of 16th +Oct. 1914." +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT.</h2> + +<p>Here where the world is quiet except +for the noise of the rain trickling into +one's valise through the nooks and +crannies of one's rustic apartment—here +where there is no peril from above and +no peril from in front, neither peril of +enfilade, here too—it is a Base I am +doing this sentence about—we have +our problems.</p> + +<p>To begin with there is the glorious +uncertainty of things. Some men are +here to-day and the far side of Wipers +to-morrow night. Others arrive from +England thirsting for all sorts of things +that no sane man ever wants to have anything +to do with, and are kept doing a +bomb course and a machine-gun course +on alternate days for eight months. +There is a tale told of one such who, +when he was finally sent to the trenches, +was returned as hopeless after three +days because he would do nothing +except sit beside a machine gun trying +to fill the belt with grenades. There is +no sadder story in the War.</p> + +<p>Now if I knew for certain that I was +going to be here eight months I could +marry and settle down. Or if I knew +for certain I was for Wipers to-morrow +night I could make a new will—not +that there's anything the matter with +the old one, but I met a man on leave +who put me up to some good tips in +will-making—and settle up. But as it +is part of our military system for junior +officers not to know anything I dare +not even have my letters forwarded.</p> + +<p>Anyhow, Bases are not what they +were in my young days. Of course there +were always parades; but you obviously +couldn't parade while you were +busy over some Alternative Necessary +Duty. Alternative Necessary Duties +were always my strongest suit. On +the evening of my arrival in camp I +would summon the Band Sergeant and +provide him with my programme of +work. On Monday he would please +arrange for a criminal in my detail. +On Tuesday I would use my influence +in the matter of obtaining clothing for +my detail. This would be a very +laborious task, involving three signatures +in ink or indelible pencil; but no +matter, to a good officer the comfort of +his men comes before everything. On +Wednesday I would pay my men. +Rotten job, paying out, but ensures +Generous Glow, and no expense unless +you lose the Acquittance Roll. On +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> +Thursday I would read Standing Orders +to the latest arrived draft; maybe they +had had this done to them once already, +but one cannot be too particular. A +private I know of who had only had +Standing Orders read to him once got +into awful trouble through carelessly +kicking a recalcitrant corporal on the +head. That just shows you. On Friday—but +I weary you, if that be +possible. Suffice it that the Base +went very well then.</p> + +<p>The trouble began, as usual, high +up. The G.O. Commanding something +most frightfully important inspected +one of our parades one morning and +found 7,528 other ranks under one +Second-Lieutenant. All might have +been well if the Second-Lieutenant had +not forgotten to fire the correct salute +of fourteen bombs (or whatever was the +correct salute). The G.O.C. investigated. +He searched the woods and +delved in the instructional trenches, +but never another officer came to light. +So he went home and, after a bad +lunch—we surmise—set himself to +abolish Alternative Necessary Duties +in a formal edict. No officer is to +absent himself from a parade except +by the express orders of an O.C. Base +Depôt.</p> + +<p>This happened several days ago, and +the ruling is probably obsolete by now, +but I am wondering how I shall break +the news to the G.O.C. if I should +happen to meet him on one of my +morning walks into town; and in my +heart of heart I know that one fine +morning I shall be cowardly, and wake +before nine, and attend my first parade +at army Base. Some zealous despatch +rider will dash hot-foot to the G.O.C. +with the news, and he will come and +rub his hands and chuckle and gloat. +It will be a Black Day.</p> + +<p>Here too there are minor points of +etiquette that vex one. Is it correct +for me, having bought half a kilo of +chocolates while waiting for a train, to +kill further time by eating them out of +a paper bag under the surveillance of +an A.S.C. sergeant? or ought I to offer +a few to the sergeant with some <i>jeu +d'esprit</i>—never coarse and never cruel—about +bully beef? Of such are the +complexities with which a Base harasses +the soul of an officer nurtured in the +genial simplicity of trench life.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From an account of the Peace demonstration +in Berlin:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"The people simply turned up themselves, +and everyone was highly turned up themselves, +and everyone was highly pleased with +the result."—<i>Egyptian Mail.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It seems to have been a complete +revolution.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LITERARY LISPINGS.</h2> + +<p>The "motive" of Mrs. Pumfrey Lord's +new novel is Christian Science, and +the hero, the Duke of Southminster, is +understood to be a composite portrait of +Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>. +The character of the evil genius of the +plot, Lord Rufus Doldrum, is partly +modelled on <span class="sc">Alcibiades</span>, but in its main +lines is reminiscent of Mrs. <span class="sc">Eddy</span> +and Major <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span>. On +the other hand the eccentric Lord +Wymondham, who creates a sensation +by appearing at a Cabinet meeting in +accordion-pleated pyjamas, is understood +to be an entirely imaginary personage. +The novel, which has been +running in <i>Wanamaker's Weekly</i>, will +shortly be published by the Strongmans.</p> + + +<h3>A Poet who Counts.</h3> + +<p>Mr. Ouseley Pampfield, who has +been recuperating at Buxton after +spraining his ankle while getting out +of his magnificent motor, is now seeing +his new volume of poems through the +press. Under the arresting title of +<i>The Soul of a Passivist</i> they will +shortly be published by the firm of +Coddler and Slack.</p> + +<h3>The Jimmisons Again.</h3> + +<p>The Long Lanes will shortly publish +a new "Jimmison" novel, The <i>Factota</i>. +The heroine is a young lady enamoured +of the doctrine of the economic independence +of women. She enters a +Draper's Emporium in Manchester +and works her way up to the post of +manager, but heads a strike of the +work-girls. The claims of romance, +however, are not overlooked, for in the +long run <i>Retta Carboy</i>—for that is her +charming name—wins the hand and +heart of the junior partner's chauffeur, +who turns out to be son of the Earl +of Ancoats. The scene in which the +Rolls-Royce, frightened by the sight +of some Highland cattle, executes a +cross-cut counter-rocking skid, is one +of the finest things the Jimmisons have +ever done.</p> + + +<h3>Armageddon in the Making.</h3> + +<p>Governesses, so long the butt of unkindly +satire, have at last come by +their own. Miss Bertha Bowlong, who +was governess to the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> in the +late "sixties," is shortly about to +publish her reminiscences of her now +all-too-notorious pupil. Strange to say +it never occurred to her to set them +down till quite recently, nearly fifty +years after the event. The book, which +is now announced by the Talboys, is +rich in illuminating anecdotes of the +future <span class="sc">War Lord</span>, as well as vivid +portraits of <span class="sc">Moltke, Bismarck, Treitschke, +Münchhausen</span>, Eulenspiegel, +Dudelsack and other luminaries of +the Prussian capital.</p> + + +<h3>The Charm of Cannibalism.</h3> + +<p>Miss Ermyntrude Stuggy (Mrs. Raymond +Blott), whose extraordinary novel, +<i>The Lurid Lady</i>, was described by +Father <span class="sc">Bernard Vaughan</span> as the +most "precipitous" book he had ever +preached on, has returned to England +after two years' residence among the +cannibals of the Solomon Islands. +Hence the title of her forthcoming +volume, <i>The Adorable Anthropophagi</i>, +which is already announced by Messrs. +Hybrow and Garbidge. The contents +explain why Mr. Blott has heroically +preferred to remain with the cannibals.</p> + + +<h3>Major Finch's Great Discovery.</h3> + +<p>Major Hector Finch, the famous +Nationalist M.P., philosopher, psychologist +and scholar, has made a remarkable +literary discovery. It is that +<i>Johnson's Dictionary</i> is not, as is +generally supposed, the work of <span class="sc">Ben +Jonson</span>, but of <span class="sc">Samuel Johnson</span>, the +son of a Lichfield bookseller. This +epoch-making revelation, briefly and +modestly outlined in a letter to <i>The +Daily Chronicle</i>, will be set forth in +detail in a massive volume of 1,000 +pages, with a portrait of the author, to +be issued shortly by the House of +Swallow and Gull.</p> + + +<h3>Odds and Ends.</h3> + +<p><i>The Vegetarians</i>, a novel with a +strong dietetic interest by Janet Melinda +Didham, is announced by the firm of +Gherkin Mark.</p> + +<p><i>The Molly Monologues</i> is the alluring +title of a volume of sketches by +Richard Turpin, shortly appearing with +Pincher and Steel.</p> + +<p>Miss Loofah Windsor, who wrote +<i>The Washpot</i>, a successful story of last +summer, has just finished a new one of +a humorous type, called <i>What—no +Soap</i>? which the Dinwiddies will +publish in a month or two.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"A few lucky corps actually had geese to +pave the way for the Christmas pudding; +they were quartered in some place where a +whip round among the officers and a ride to +the nearest town or village secured enough +geese to feed a battalion."</p> + +<p><i>Jersey Morning News</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Somehow we feel that this might have +been more tactfully expressed.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. Dillon harangued the House for three-quarters +of an hour on militarism, <i>The Daily +Mail</i>, Suvla BaBy, and sundry other topics."</p> + +<p><i>Daily Mail</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>An extended report of his remarks on +this interesting infant would have been +welcome.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + +<h2>ON THE CARDS.</h2> + +<p>To many people wholly free from +superstition, except that, after spilling +the salt, they are careful to throw a +little over the left shoulder, and do not +go out of their way to walk under +ladders, and are not improved in appetite +by sitting thirteen at table, and +much prefer that may should not be +brought into the house—to these +people, otherwise so free from superstition, +it would perhaps be surprising to +know what great numbers of their +fellow-creatures resort daily to such +black arts as fortune-telling by the +cards.</p> + +<p>Yet quite respectable, God-fearing, +church-going old ladies, and probably +old gentlemen too, treasure this practice, +to say nothing of younger and therefore +naturally more frivolous folk; and +many make the consultation of the +two and fifty oracles a morning habit.</p> + +<p>And particularly women. Those well-thumbed +packs of cards that we know +so well are not wholly dedicated to +"Patience," I can assure you.</p> + +<p>All want to be told the same thing: +what the day will bring forth. But +each searcher into the dim and dangerous +future has, of course, individual +methods—some shuffling seven times +and some ten, and so forth, and all +intent upon placating the elfish goddess, +Caprice. There is little Miss +Banks, for example, but I must tell +you about her.</p> + +<p>Nothing would induce little Miss +Banks to leave the house in the morning +without seeing what the cards promised +her, and so open and impressionable +are her mind and heart that she is still +interested in the colour of the romantic +fellow whom the day, if kind, is to fling +across her path. The cards, as you +know, are great on colours, all men +being divided into three groups: dark +(which has the preference), fair, and +middling. Similarly for you, if you can +get little Miss Banks to read your fate +(but you must of course shuffle the +pack yourself) there are but three kinds +of charmers: dark (again the most +fascinating and to be desired), fair, and +middling.</p> + +<p>It is great fun to watch little Miss +Banks at her necromancy. She takes +it so earnestly, literally wrenching the +future's secrets from their lair.</p> + +<p>"A letter is coming to you from some +one," she says. "An important letter."</p> + +<p>And again, "I see a voyage over +water."</p> + +<p>Or very seriously, "There's a death."</p> + +<p>You gasp.</p> + +<p>"No, it's not yours. A fair woman's."</p> + +<p>You laugh. "Only a fair woman's!" +you say. "Go on."</p> + +<p>But the cards have not only ambiguities, +but strange reticences.</p> + +<p>"Oh," little Miss Banks will say, her +eyes large with excitement, "there's a +payment of money and a dark man."</p> + +<p>"Good," you say.</p> + +<p>"But I can't tell," she goes on, +"whether you pay it to him or he pays +it to you."</p> + +<p>"That's a nice state of things," +you say, becoming indignant. "Surely +you can tell."</p> + +<p>"No, I can't."</p> + +<p>You begin to go over your dark +acquaintances who might owe you +money, and can think of none.</p> + +<p>You then think of your dark acquaintances +to whom you owe money, and +are horrified at their number.</p> + +<p>"Oh, well," you say, "the whole +thing's rubbish, anyway."</p> + +<p>Little Miss Banks's eyes dilate with +pained astonishment. "Rubbish!"—and +she begins to shuffle again.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/057.png"><img width="100%" src="images/057.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>dictating letter to be sent to his +wife</i>). "<span class="sc">The nurses here are a very plain lot</span>—"</p> +<p><i>Nurse.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us.</span>"</p> +<p><i>Tommy.</i> "<span class="sc">Never mind, Nurse, put it down. It'll please her</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>From "Notes for the Use of New +Chaplains," by an Indian Archdeacon:</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"I have only given advice on matters where, +to my own knowledge, an ignorance of procedure +has led to adverse criticism with regard +to breeches of etiquette." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Somebody seems to have been making +fun of the venerable gentleman's continuations.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + +<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2> + +<h3>No. XXXIII.</h3> + +<p>(<i>From <span class="sc">Theodore Roosevelt</span>, U.S.A.</i>)</p> + +<p>It's bully to live in a country where you can say what +you like about the bosses, and that, Sir, is what I've been +doing and mean to go on doing to you. There's no +manner of question about it, you're the biggest boss and +the most dangerous that we in this country have ever come +up against, and if our Government had only got a right +idea of its bounden duty we should have protested against +your conduct, yes, and backed our protest by our deeds +long before this; but the fact is there's too much milk and +water in the blood of some of our big fellows. They whine +when they ought to be up and denouncing, and they crouch +and crawl instead of standing upright like free and fearless +men, and giving the devil's agent the straightest eye-puncher +of which the human arm is capable. I thank Heaven, Sir, +that I'm not made on that plan. I'm out to fight humbug +and hypocrisy, even when they masquerade as friendship +and benevolence; and when I see a fellow coming along +with hundreds of pious texts in his mouth, and his hands +dripping with the blood of innocent women and children, +why, I've got to say what I think of him or die. For my +own part—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk,</p> +<p>Nor lard with Scripture my familiar talk;</p> +<p>For man may pious texts repeat</p> +<p>And yet religion have no inward seat."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>A man called <span class="sc">Hood</span> wrote that nearly eighty years ago, but +it's quite true still. I wonder what he would have written +if he'd had the bad luck to know about you and your disgusting +appeals to the Almighty, whom you treat as if He +were always waiting round the corner to be decorated with +the Iron Cross.</p> + +<p>Now mind, I don't want you to deceive yourself. If I +dislike you and feel as if I'd sooner kick you than shake +hands with you, it isn't because I'm a peace-at-any-price +man. No man can say that about me without qualifying +for a place within easy reach of <span class="sc">Ananias</span>; but when I +decide to take part in a scrap—and there's few scraps +going that I don't butt into sooner or later—I like to feel +that I've got a bit of right on my side. But how can <i>you</i> +feel that when you over-run Belgium and burn down +Louvain—that's the place that made your heart bleed, +bah!—and when you shoot down Belgian hostages and do +to death an English nurse? All that never seems to strike +you. You go on thinking of yourself as a holy humble +man whom everybody wilfully mistakes for a bully and a +tyrant. Well, you can't fool everybody all the time, you +know, and in this case it happens that everybody has got +some sound horse-sense in his head. Who wanted to hurt +you? You'd put together a great army and your commercial +prosperity was a pretty good business proposition. +You'd got a navy and you'd got a very meek and submissive +people, which didn't prevent them from being +harsh and domineering and cruel so far as other peoples +were concerned. If you wanted to have folk afraid of you +there were plenty to humour you by pretending to tremble +when you frowned and shook your head. But you weren't +going to be satisfied. You must have a war so as to show +what a great general you were, and you shoved on the old +man <span class="sc">Francis Joseph</span> and kept urging him from behind +until everyone got tired by the impossibility of making you +come out fair and square on the side of peace.</p> + +<p>Well, you've got your war, and I hope you like it. This +isn't one of your military promenades. This is hard, long +fighting against men whose only wish was to be left alone. +You've forced them to form a trust for the purpose of trust-busting, +and in the end they'll wear you out and have you +beaten to a frazzle in spite of all you can do. You've lost +millions of men and millions of money, and you don't seem +to get on with your final and decisive victory, and you're +still the vainest and the loudest man on earth. Isn't it +just about time you saw yourself as the rest of us see you, +an irritable lime-light hero, whose favourite effort is to sink +a <i>Lusitania</i> and pretend he had to do it because he didn't +think she'd go down or because there were too many +women and just enough children in the world? All I can +say is that I've had more than enough of you.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Theodore Roosevelt</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>BEYOND THE LIMIT.</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +[The German General Staff declares that for air-warfare there +are still lacking international laws of any kind.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>When Peace lured the Powers to her House at the Hague</p> +<p>With promises specious and welcome though vague</p> +<p>Of a time when the terrors of war should lie hid</p> +<p>And the leopard fall headlong in love with the kid,</p> +<p>She drew up a set of Utopian rules</p> +<p>For the guidance of all the best bellicose schools.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Among the more notable schemes that she planned</p> +<p>She fashioned them bounds to their methods on land,</p> +<p>Taught the whole of them, too, how humane they could be</p> +<p>If a scrap should occur, as it might, on the sea—</p> +<p>In a word, pruned the pinions of war everywhere</p> +<p>Save the one place that war could fly into—the air.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But the Hun, he forswore what he vowed at her shrine,</p> +<p>And behaved like a fiend on the soil and the brine;</p> +<p>Then he turned to his Zepps, and remarked, "I can fly,</p> +<p>And she never laid down any law for the sky;</p> +<p>Here's a chance for some real dirty work to be done;"</p> +<p>And he did it by simply out-Hunning the Hun.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>How to Save Your Teeth.</h3> + +<p>From the Soldiers and Sailors Dental Aid Fund (43, +Leicester Square), which has done exceptional service during +the War, comes the story of an old lady who applied for a +set of teeth for her soldier grandson. When asked if he +would know how to take care of them, she replied that +she would give him the benefit of her own experience, +having always made it a rule to remove her artificial teeth +at meal times.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Two cuttings from one issue of <i>The Egyptian Mail</i>:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"TREMENDOUS INCREASE IN RECRUITING.</p> + +<p>ANOTHER 1,000,000,000 MEN WANTED."</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Wanted</span> proof-reader for the Egyptian Mail." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It certainly does want one; but for the sake of the gaiety +of nations we trust it won't get him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"With regard to the expeditionary force, the unexampled heroism +and determination of our troops enabled them to establish a foothold +on the tip of the peninsula, but photographs confirm the reports of +eye-witnesses that they were literally holding on by their eyelids to +the positions they had occupied."—<i>Sunday Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And the subsequent abandonment was performed like +winking.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a draper's notice:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"On Friday and Saturday the shops will be open until the usual +hours, although lights will not be visible outside. Customers are +requested to open the doors to obtain admittance."</p> + +<p><i>Rugby Advertiser.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And not to climb through the windows, or come down the +chimney, please.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p>I forget just how long it is since Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett</span> +united <i>Edwin Clayhanger</i> and <i>Hilda Lessways</i> in the +bonds of matrimony. Time goes so fast these days that I +met them again, and <i>Auntie Hamps</i>, and <i>Maggie</i>, and +<i>Clara</i>, and the rest of the Three Towns company, as after +an enormous interval. They themselves however have +changed in nothing, except perhaps that the habit of +introspection and their phenomenal capacity for self-astonishment +have become more pronounced. "He thought, +'I am I; this wife is my wife; and if I put one foot before +the other I shall go inevitably forward.' And it seemed to +him stupendous." I do not say that this is a quotation, +but it represents a habit of mind that is in danger of +growing, upon <i>Edwin</i> especially. He seems never able to +share my own entire confidence in Mr. <span class="sc">Bennett's</span> efficiency +as creator. Of course nothing very much happens in the +course of <i>These Twain</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>). It is simply a study +of conjugal existence in its effect upon character; briefly, +how to be happy though married. In the end <i>Edwin</i> +seems to hit upon a sort of solution with the discovery +that injustice is a natural condition to be accepted rather +than resented. So one leaves the two with some prospect, +a little insecure, of happiness. Needless to say the study +of both <i>Edwin</i> and <i>Hilda</i> is marvellously penetrating and +minute, almost to the point of defeating its own end. I +had, not for the first time with Mr. <span class="sc">Bennett's</span> characters, +a feeling that I knew them too well to have complete belief +in them. They become not portraits but anatomical +diagrams. But for all that the accuracy of his observation +is undeniable. One sees it in those minor personalities of +the tale whom he is content to record from without. +<i>Auntie Hamps</i>, for example, and Clara are two masterpieces +of portraiture. You must read <i>These Twain</i>; but if possible +take time over it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>American improvements are the wonder of the world. +America seems to have the knack of taking hold of old +stuff and turning it into something full of pep and punch. +You remember a play called <i>Hamlet</i>? No? Well, there +is a scene in it, rather an impressive scene, where a man +chats with his father's ghost. Mr. <span class="sc">Robert W. Chambers</span>, +America's brightest novelist, has taken much the same +idea and put a bit of zip in it. In his latest work, <i>Athalie</i> +(<span class="sc">Appleton</span>), the heroine, who is clairvoyant, sees the ghost +of the hero's mother, who prevented the hero from marrying +her, and cuts it. "A hot proud colour flared in her +cheeks as she drew quietly aside and stood with averted +head to let her pass." In all my researches in modern +fiction I cannot recall a more dramatic and satisfying +situation. It is, I believe, the first instance on record of a +spectre being snubbed. <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> never thought of anything +like that. As regards the other aspects of <i>Athalie</i>, +the book, I cannot see what else a reviewer can say but +that it is written by Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers</span>. The world is divided +into those who read every line Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers</span> writes, irrespective +of its merits, and those who would require to be +handsomely paid before reading a paragraph by him. A +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> +million eager shop-girls, school-girls, chorus-girls, factory-girls +and stenographers throughout America are probably +devouring <i>Athalie</i> at this moment. My personal opinion +that the book is a potboiler, turned out on a definite +formula, like all of Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers'</span> recent work, to meet a +definite demand, cannot deter a single one of them from +sobbing over it. As for that section of the public which +remembers <i>The King in Yellow</i> and <i>Cardigan</i>, it has long +ago become resigned to Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers'</span> decision to take the +cash and let the credit go, and has ceased to hope for a +return on his part to the artistic work of his earlier period, +when he wrote novels as opposed to Best Sellers.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Let me heartily commend to you a book of stories by +doughty penmen turned swordsmen for the period of the +War—<span class="sc">A. E. W. Mason</span>, of the Manchester Regiment; +<span class="sc">A. A. M.</span>, of the Royal Warwicks; <span class="sc">W. B. Maxwell</span>, Royal +Fusilier; <span class="sc">Ian Hay</span>, A. and S. <span class="sc">Highlander</span>; <span class="sc">Compton Mackenzie</span>, +R.N.; "<span class="sc">Q.</span>," of the +Duke of Cornwall's L.I.; +<span class="sc">Oliver Onions</span>, A.S.C.; <span class="sc">Barry +Pain</span>, R.N.A.S.; and just short +of a dozen others. Published +by Messrs. <span class="sc">Hodder and +Stoughton</span>, under title, <i>The +Red Cross Story Book</i>, to be +sold for the benefit of <i>The +Times</i> Fund. It's the sort of +book about which even the +most conscientious reviewer +feels he can honestly say +nice things without any too +thorough examination of the +contents. With that thought I +started turning over the pages +casually, but found myself dipping +deeper and deeper, until, +becoming entirely absorbed, I +abandoned all pretence of professional +detachment and had +a thoroughly good time. I +should like to be able to state +that the quality of these stories +of humour, adventure and sentiment +was uniform, if only for +the sake of this appropriate word. But I can say that the +best are excellent, the average is high, and the tenor so +varied as to suit almost any age and taste.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/060.png"><img width="100%" src="images/060.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Severe mental collapse experienced by a journalist +who attempted to write an article on the rat plague +in the trenches without making any reference to "The +Pied Piper of Hamelin</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">B. G. O'Rorke</span>, Chaplain to the Forces, has written +a short account of his experiences in confinement—<i>In The +Hands of the Enemy</i> (<span class="sc">Longmans</span>). Seeing that he was +allowed, as a minister of religion, unique opportunities of +meeting our officers (though not men of the ranks) shut up +in different fortresses, and particularly because he has been +thoughtful enough to mention many of them by name, his +narrative is one which nobody with near friends now in +Germany can afford to miss. The general reader, on the +other hand, may have to confess to some disappointment, +since the foggy shadow of the Censor, German or English, +still looms over the pages here and there, blotting out the +sensational episodes which we felt we had reason, if +not right, to expect; and if their absence is really due to +Mr. <span class="sc">O'Rorke's</span> steady refusal to indulge us by embellishing +his almost too unvarnished recital the effect is just the same. +Or perhaps the suggestion of flatness is to be ascribed to +the enemy's failure on the whole to treat certain of his +victims in any very extraordinary manner, and if so we +can accept it and be thankful. There are lots of interesting +passages all the same, such as the account of the specially +favourable treatment of officers from Irish regiments, +accorded in all Teutonic seriousness as preparatory to an +invitation to serve in the ranks of Prussia; or the pathetic +incident of the white-haired French priest sent to the cells +for urging his congregation to pray <i>pour nos âmes</i>. Nowhere +outside the Fatherland, I should imagine, would +prisoners be forbidden to pray even <i>pour nos armes</i>, and +the stupidity of the misunderstanding is typical enough. +The cheerful dignity shown by prisoners under provocation +makes a fine contrast to such pitiful smallness, and of that +this little book is a notable record.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>I suppose it would not be possible to travel in the Pacific +without a fountain-pen and a note-book. At all events this +seems a privation from which the staunchest of our literary +adventurers have hitherto shrunk. Do not however regard +this as anything more than a casual observation, certainly +not as implying any complaint +against so agreeable a volume +as <i>Voyaging in Wild Seas</i> +(<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>). There +must be many among the +countless admirers of Mr. <span class="sc">Jack +London</span> who will be delighted +to read this intimate journal +of his travellings in remote +waters, written by the wife +who accompanied him, and +who is herself, as she proves +on many pages, one of the +most enthusiastic of those admirers. +You may say there is +nothing very much in it all, +but just some pleasant sea-prattle +about interesting ports +and persons, and a number of +photographs rather more intimate +than those that generally +illustrate the published travel-book. +But the general impression +is jolly. Stevensonians +will be especially curious over +the visit to Samoa, concerning +her first impressions of which +Mrs. <span class="sc">London</span> writes: "As the <i>Snark</i> slid along, we began +to exclaim at the magnificent condition of this German +province—the leagues of copra plantation, extending from +the shore up into the mountainous hinterland, thousands +of close-crowded acres of heavy green palms." This was +in May, 1908. Vailima was at that time the residence of +the German Governor (a desecration since happily removed); +but the <span class="sc">Londons</span> were able to explore the gardens +and peep in at the rooms whose planning <span class="sc">Stevenson</span> had +so enjoyed. Later of course they climbed to the lonely +mountain grave of "the little great man"—a phrase oddly +reminiscent of one in an unpublished letter of <span class="sc">Rupert Brooke</span> +(about the same expedition) that I had just been reading. +Mrs. <span class="sc">London</span> deserves our thanks for letting us share so +interesting a holiday in these restricted days.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>IN MEMORY OF "MARTIN ROSS"</h3> + +<p>(<span class="sc">Violet Martin</span>).</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>With <i>Flurry's</i> Hounds, and you our guide,</p> +<p>We've learned to laugh until we cried;</p> +<p>Dear <span class="sc">Martin Ross</span>, the coming years</p> +<p>Find all our laughter lost in tears.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, JANUARY 19, 1916***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 22610-h.txt or 22610-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/1/22610">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/1/22610</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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