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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 19, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 19, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 15, 2007  [eBook #22610]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, JANUARY 19, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22610-h.htm or 22610-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/1/22610/22610-h/22610-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/1/22610/22610-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+JANUARY 19, 1916.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+In a description of Lord KITCHENER'S home at Broome Park we read that on
+the way there one passes a kind of crater known by the rustics as "Old
+England's Hole." And a little farther on you come to the man who got Old
+England out of it.
+
+       ***
+
+A German professor advocates the appointment of State matrimonial
+agents. Elderly and experienced ladies and gentlemen should be employed
+to bring young people together, and "unostentatiously to give them
+practical counsel, conveying their remarks tactfully, and in such a way
+as not to awaken the spirit of contradiction found in youthful minds;"
+paying due regard, moreover, to theories of eugenics and heredity. The
+Winged Boy disguised as an antique German professor makes an attractive
+picture.
+
+       ***
+
+Some anxiety was caused in America by the news that the FORD Peace party
+was to meet in the Zoo at the Hague. But they have all emerged safely.
+
+       ***
+
+The Governor of South Carolina, who was one of the members of this
+heroic mission, left the Hague in a great hurry and returned to America
+before the rest of the delegates. Much curiosity is expressed as to what
+the Governor of North Carolina will have to say to him on this occasion.
+
+       ***
+
+In spite of the Government's official discouragement of any further rise
+in wages a demand for an increase of no less than 33-1/3 per cent, has
+been made by the "knockers-up" in the Manchester district. For going
+round in the chill hours of the morning and wakening the workers, these
+blood-suckers (chiefly old men and cripples) receive at present the
+princely remuneration of threepence per head per week; and they have now
+the effrontery to ask for fourpence.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Government has decided to raise the charge for telegrams.
+WOLFF'S Bureau has instructed its correspondents that in order to meet
+this new impost the percentage of truth in its despatches must be still
+further diminished.
+
+       ***
+
+Before the opening of the Luxemburg Parliament two members of the
+Opposition threw the chairs belonging to Ministers out of the window. It
+is feared that something of the kind may be attempted at Westminster,
+since several Members have been observed to cast longing eyes upon the
+Treasury Bench.
+
+       ***
+
+With a view to increasing the food-supply the German Government have
+extended the time for shooting hares from January 16th to February 1st,
+and for pheasants from February 1st to March 1st. The dachshund season,
+we understand, will be continued for the duration of the War.
+
+       ***
+
+Count KOSPOTH, a member of the Prussian Upper House, in the course of an
+energetic plea for economy, remarks that "at one's country-seat one can
+very well do without a motor-car, and even with two to four horses in
+stables instead of six or eight." This was read with great satisfaction
+by the Berlin _Hausfrau_ on a meatless day when the bread-card was
+exhausted.
+
+       ***
+
+The House of Commons was quite relieved when Sir GEORGE REID took his
+seat. There had been some fears that he would take two.
+
+       ***
+
+A young woman who mistook Vine-street police station for a tavern, and
+was fined ten shillings for drunkenness, is reported to have expressed
+the opinion that there is room for improvement in the nomenclature of
+our public edifices.
+
+       ***
+
+"My grave doubt," writes a Conscientious Objector regarding his fellows,
+"is whether there is any reasonable chance that most of them will be
+able to convince a tribunal that their conscientious objection is real."
+It may comfort him to know that his doubt is very widely shared.
+
+       ***
+
+"DEAR MR. PUNCH," writes a soldier at the Front who has been reading the
+Parliamentary reports,--"Do you think an officer out here who developed
+'conscientious objections' might get a week's leave?"
+
+       ***
+
+In the course of a debate in the Reichstag on the German Press Bureau it
+was revealed that the Censor had struck out quotations from GOETHE as
+being dangerous to the State. Our man who tinkered with KIPLING is
+wonderfully bucked by this intelligence.
+
+       ***
+
+Bread is the staff of life, and, in the view of certain officers in the
+trenches, whose opinions we cannot of course guarantee, the life of the
+Staff is one long loaf.
+
+       ***
+
+Extracted from the report of an enthusiastic company commander after a
+brisk action with some tribesmen on the Indian Frontier: "The men were
+behaving exactly as if on ceremonial parade. They laughed and talked the
+whole time...." We seem to recognise that parade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from letter from an Unconscientious Slacker.
+
+[Illustration: "DEAR LORD KITCHENER,--I am not a good walker, which
+prevents my joining the Infantry. As I have no experience of horses, the
+Cavalry is also out of the question. The Artillery I don't care for on
+account of the noise, and flying makes me giddy. The A.S.C. does not
+appeal to me, and the R.A.M.C. would entail some very unpleasant duties.
+
+"So you had better not worry about me. Perhaps when the fine weather
+comes I may think about the Navy. I am rather keen on boating...."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We have from the first declared that should the voluntary
+    system fail to supply the men needed to win the war and who
+    could be spared from civil war we would accept and support it."
+
+    _Manchester Guardian._
+
+Unfortunately, to judge by the proceedings at the Labour Conference, the
+claims of civil war are very heavy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+This paragraph from "Town Topics" in _The Liverpool Echo_--
+
+    "We know that many of our men--especially the single ones,
+    judging by the Derby figures--are sheltering behind skirts"--
+
+helps to explain this one:--
+
+    "Several lady tram-conductors in the city declare they are
+    denied the common courtesies far more by women passengers of the
+    female gender than by men."
+
+The insistence upon the sex of the uncivil females is necessary to
+distinguish them from the male civilians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "FURNISHED house (small) wanted in Edinburgh; with ballroom, h.
+    & c."--_Scotsman._
+
+Hot for the chaperons and cold for the dancers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE PRO-SHIRKERS.
+
+[Thirty-nine Members voted against the Second Reading of the
+Military Service Bill.]
+
+               You that in civilian lobbies,
+                    While the battle-thunder rolls,
+               Hug your little party hobbies,
+                  So to save your little souls,
+Treating England's deadly peril like a topic for the polls;
+
+               Half of you--the record's written--
+                  Lately strode to Downing Street
+               And for love of Little Britain
+                  Wallowed at the PREMIER's feet,
+Urging him to check the wanton waste of our superfluous Fleet.
+
+               Had your passionate prayer been granted
+                  And the KAISER got his way,
+               Teuton crushers might be planted
+                  On our hollow tums to-day,
+And a grateful foe be asking what you want for traitors' pay.
+
+               Disappointed with the Navy,
+                  You in turn were keen about
+               Putting Thomas in the gravy,
+                  Leaving Thomas up the spout,
+Lest if adequately aided he should wipe the strafers out.
+
+               Well, our memories may be rotten,
+                  Yet they'll stick to you all right;
+               Not so soon shall be forgotten
+                  Those whose hearts were fixed more tight
+On the salvage of a fetish than the winning of the fight.
+
+               When the Bosches bite the gutter
+                  And we let our tongues go loose,
+               Franker words I hope to utter
+                  In the way of free abuse,
+But at present I am badly hampered by the party truce.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHITTLING THEM DOWN.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I know you must be longing to have my analysis of the
+Derby figures. I hasten to comply, for I may say that I have never,
+since the War began, had finer scope for my individual talents. Never
+have I had--not even in the great Copper Controversy--a bunch of figures
+of which it may more truly be said that they are not what they seem,
+that there is more in them than meets the eye, and that they contain
+wheels within wheels. And first of all, Sir, I hope you will allow me to
+explain where I am in this matter; everybody's doing it; and you will
+then see at once the moral grandeur of my attitude. I am a convinced
+believer in the Voluntary System, always have been--on principle. But I
+am willing to sacrifice even that for victory. If it can be shown that
+by compulsion _one single man_ can be added to our forces who would not
+have volunteered (even if he had been scientifically bullied), I will be
+willing to adopt conscription. But, Sir, it cannot be shown.
+
+The crux of the situation admittedly lies with the figures of the Single
+Men. (In case of misapprehension I should make it clear that when I
+spoke above of "one single man" I did not mean one unmarried man, but
+one sole man). We have to begin our attack upon this figure of 651,160
+unstarred single men unaccounted for. It seems a good many. But wait a
+bit. We shall now proceed to concentrate a powerful succession of
+deductions. It only needs a fearless and patriotic ingenuity.
+
+Let us not disregard obvious facts. From this number
+we must subtract--
+
+(1) Ministers of religion   5 per cent.
+(2) Mercantile Marine       5 "
+(3) Medically unfit        40 "
+(4) Criminals               1-3/4 "
+(5) Badged                 10 "
+(6) Indispensables         10 "
+
+Total 71-3/4 per cent. You see we are already getting on. But before
+going any further we had better consolidate the ground already won by
+making certain additions, in case any one man has been counted twice.
+These are--
+
+(1) Ministers of religion who are also medically unfit.
+(2) Criminals in the mercantile marine.
+(3) Ministers of religion in the mercantile marine.
+(4) Criminals who are medically unfit.
+(5) Indispensable criminals.
+(6) Badged criminal ministers of religion.
+
+These categories taken together may be put at 7-1/4 per cent. of our
+71-3/4 per cent., and must be deducted from the deductions. There are
+also the blind, halt and maimed, deaf, dumb and inebriate, but I am
+willing to throw all of them in so as to be on the safe side.
+
+So far we have to deduct, then, some 66-1/2 per cent. from our total. We
+must do better than that if we are to get on the right side of
+negligibility. So now we come to examine the canvass. A good many men
+were not canvassed, or at least misunderstood the canvasser. I know of
+one man in my constituency (unstarred, unbadged, fit, single and of army
+age) who thought the fellow had come to collect for Foreign Missions, to
+which he has a conscientious objection.
+
+Along with these I propose to deduct the great class of what I shall
+call the Self-centred. These are they who not only were never canvassed,
+but didn't even so much as hear about it, who had probably given up
+newspapers as a war economy and were living quiet virtuous lives in
+out-of-the-way places. Add to them removals and conscientious objectors
+(_less_ allowance for conscientious removals) and we have a total not
+short of 27-1/2 per cent.
+
+Then again, as the supply of recruits becomes exhausted, it must always
+be remembered that we are dealing with a residuum. That is to say, those
+that remain are always growing more conscientious, more criminal, more
+unfit, more mercantile and so on. However, I count nothing for that, for
+I haven't much of my total left to dispose of, and I have still to deal
+with spoiled cards.
+
+Everyone who has assisted at a contested election knows very well that
+many mistakes occur. I propose to allow 3 per cent. for illegible cards
+which prevented the canvasser from tracking his prey, 4 per cent. for
+those who failed to find the recruiting office owing to misdirection,
+but will be sure to find it before long, and 1/2 per cent. for sundries,
+such as men who were temporarily confined to the house.
+
+Our final result is thoroughly satisfactory, and one that must give
+Compulsionists some food for thought, for however much they may wish to
+introduce the principle they cannot desire to reduce our forces in the
+field in the middle of a great war. In a word, we must deduct 101-1/2
+per cent. from 651,160. That gives us an adverse balance of 9,767. This
+means that, if the present Bill is to go through and compulsion is
+definitely adopted, nearly half a division of our present army must be
+disbanded forthwith. It is just as well that we should see clearly what
+we are heading for.
+
+It has given me great pleasure to have the opportunity of clearing up
+this vexed question.
+
+I am,  Yours as usual,
+
+STATISTICIAN. BIS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR NEUTRALS.
+
+[Illustration: "Why do we torpedo passenger ships? Because we are being
+starved by the infamous English."]
+
+FOR NATIVES.
+
+[Illustration: "Who says we are in distress? Look what our splendid
+organisation is doing!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IRREPRESSIBLES.
+
+[Illustration: _Nurse_ (_of private hospital_). "A message has just come
+in to ask if the hospital will make a little less noise, as the lady
+next door has a touch of headache."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVEN.
+
+    ["Even the food of the men was wholesome and
+    abundant."--_Report_ of a German Correspondent who visited the
+    High Canal Fleet.]
+
+  Sing ho! for the Fleet in the Kiel Canal.
+  Where every man is the KAISER's pal,
+    And lives upon beer and bread;
+  And they all have food, so help them BILL!
+  For every officer gets his fill
+    And even the men are fed.
+
+  His beard as long as his hair is short,
+  VON TIRPITZ says with a mighty snort,
+    "We've money and men and boats;
+  We're here to-day and we're here to-morrow;
+  Pass up the beer and drink death to sorrow;
+    Why, even our Navy floats!
+
+  "Behind the locks of our snug retreat
+  We hurl defiance at JELLICOE'S Fleet
+    From Rosyth down to Dover!
+  We look across at the wet, wet sea
+  And we drink our beer till even we
+    Are almost half-seas over!
+
+  "Our men can eat, and they even drink;
+  They walk and talk, and they almost think;
+    They can turn to the left and right;
+  And when we strike a blow in the back,
+  Or sink a liner or fishing-smack,
+    By Odin, they even fight!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two headlines that appeared side by side in the same issue of an Evening
+Paper:--
+
+"WOMAN WILL PROBABLY BE TRIED IN CAMERA.
+
+GERMAN FEARS FOR LENS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Most of the world's real literature was written by poor
+    authors in their garrets.'
+
+    'Quite so. Homer, for example, wrote in the Attic.'"--_Evening
+    Paper._
+
+Did he now? And we were always taught that he wrote (or, rather, sang)
+in the Ionic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article on the Clyde disputes:--
+
+    "Contrary to the instructions of the Munitions Ministry,
+    peace-prices are sometimes reduced, with resulting friction."
+
+    _Daily News._
+
+We are glad to learn that the Scotch workmen do not belong to the
+peace-at-any-price brigade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONQUEST.
+
+Every January so long as I can remember it has been difficult; but this
+year more so than ever. I cannot say why, except that last year was
+peculiarly eventful and momentous.
+
+The odd thing is that one begins so well. For the first day, at any
+rate, one can do it quite easily; but it is after then that one has to
+be vigilant; and however vigilant one is there are off-guard moments
+when the fatal slip occurs.
+
+Nor will any mechanical device assist you, for nothing can successfully
+defeat the wandering of the mind. Continuous concentration is an
+impossibility; there is nothing for it but habit--a new habit that shall
+be as strong as the old--or the total cessation of all correspondence
+and (O that 'twere possible!) all making out of cheques.
+
+Still conquest comes sooner or later, and I have reached that point in
+my own struggle. I have at last finally got over the tendency to write
+1915.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "As a result of the Labour Conference at Westminster yesterday,
+    a resolution was sunk on Lake Tanganyika."--_Western Daily
+    Press._
+
+The best place for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW THEATRICAL VENTURE.
+
+A friend of mine has started as manager of his first theatre these
+holidays. It may seem to you an unpropitious moment for such a
+beginning, but in many ways this special theatre is exceptionally well
+guaranteed against failure. The proprietor was kind enough to invite my
+presence at his opening performance. As a matter of fact I had myself
+put up the money for it.
+
+Naturally I was anxious for the thing to be a success. The theatre
+stands on what you could truthfully call a commanding situation at one
+end of the schoolroom table. It is an elegant renaissance edifice of
+wood and cardboard, with a seating accommodation only limited by the
+dimensions of the schoolroom itself, and varying with the age of the
+audience. The lighting effects are provided in theory by a row of oil
+foot-lamps, so powerful as to be certain, if kindled, to consume the
+entire building; in practice, therefore, by a number of candle-ends,
+stuck in the wings on their own grease. These not only furnish
+illumination, but, when extinguished (as they constantly are by falling
+scenery) produce a penetrating aroma which is specially dear to the
+managerial nostrils.
+
+The manager, to whom I have already had the pleasure of introducing you,
+is Peter. I have been impatiently waiting for the moment of Peter's
+first theatre, these nine years. Like marbles or _Treasure Island_, it
+is at once a landmark and a milestone in the present-giving career of an
+uncle. So I had devoted some considerable care to its selection.
+
+In one respect Peter's theatre reminds me of the old Court in the days
+of the VEDRENNE-BARKER repertory. You recall how one used to see the
+same people at every performance, a permanent nucleus of spectators that
+never varied? The difference is that Peter's permanent nucleus are
+neither so individually agreeable nor in any true sense enthusiasts of
+the drama. Indeed, being painted on the proscenium, with their backs to
+the stage, the effect they produce is one of studied indifference. Nay
+more, a horrible suspicion about them refused to be banished from my
+thoughts; it was based partly upon the costumes of the ladies, partly on
+the undeniably Teutonic suggestion in the gentlemen's uniforms. However,
+I said nothing about this to Peter.
+
+Despite the presence of these unpleasing persons, the opening
+performance must be pronounced a real success. Perhaps more as a
+spectacle than anything else. Scenically the show was a triumph; the
+memory of the Forest Glade especially will remain with me for weeks by
+reason of the stiff neck I got from contorting myself under Peter's
+guidance to the proper angle for its appreciation. But histrionically it
+must be confessed that things dragged a little. Perhaps this was due to
+a certain severity, not to say baldness, in the dialogue as spoken. Not
+having read the script, I have a feeling that it might be unfair to
+judge the unknown author by the lines as rendered by Peter, who was
+often pre-occupied with other anxieties. As, for example, the scene in
+the Baronial Castle between its noble but unscrupulous proprietor and a
+character introduced by Peter with the simple notice: "This is a
+murderer coming on now."
+
+_Baron._ Oh, are you a murderer?
+
+_Murderer._ Yes.
+
+_Bar._ Oh, well, you've got to murder the Princess.
+
+_Murd._ All right.
+
+_Bar._ That's all of that scene.
+
+Crisp, of course, and to the point; but I feel sure that there must have
+been more in the interview as originally written.
+
+Perhaps, again, the cast was to blame for whatever may have been
+disappointing in the performance. Individually they were a fine company,
+passionate and wiry of gesture, and full of energy. Indeed their chief
+fault sprang from an incapacity to remain motionless in repose. This led
+to a notable lack of balance. However sensational it may be for the exit
+of every character to bring down the house, its effect is unfortunately
+to retard the action of the piece.
+
+Personally I consider that the women were the worst offenders. Take the
+heroine, for example. Lovely she may have been, though in a style more
+appreciated by the late GEORGE CRUIKSHANK than by myself; but looks are
+not everything. Art simply didn't exist for her. Revue might have been
+her real line; or, better still, a strong-woman turn on the Halls. There
+was the episode, for instance, where, having to prostrate herself before
+the Baron, she insisted upon a backward exit (with the usual result) and
+then made an acrobatic re-entrance on her knees.
+
+Tolerant as he was, even Peter began at last to grow impatient at the
+vagaries of his company. Finally, when the Executioner (a mere walker-on
+of no importance whatever) had twice brought ridicule upon the ultimate
+solemnities of the law by his introduction of comic dives off the
+scaffold, the manager rang down the curtain. Not before it was time.
+
+"They're lovely to look at," he observed, surveying the supine cast,
+"but awfully difficult to do anything with."
+
+"Peter," I answered gratefully, "as an estimate of the theatrical
+profession your last remark could hardly be improved upon."
+
+Of course he didn't understand; but, being dramatist as well as uncle, I
+enjoyed saying it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Country Gentleman_ (_as taxi just misses an
+island_). "Do drive carefully, please. I'm not accustomed to taxis."
+
+_Driver_ "That's funny! I ain't used to 'em, neither. As a matter o'
+fact I've only taken this on for a bet."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "February 3.--A total eclipse of the sun, partly visible at
+    Greenwich as a partial eclipse. Eclipse begins to be visible at
+    Greenwich at 4.31 P. M.; ends after the sun has set."
+
+    "February 3.--A partial eclipse of the moon, partly visible at
+    Greenwich. Begins at 4.31 P. M."--_Churchman's Almanack._
+
+This double obscuration will make navigation very difficult for
+sky-pilots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BADGES.
+
+My companion had the habit of muttering to himself and I was relieved
+when he leant over and spoke to me. He was a dry little man of middle
+age, with a nervous kindly face and eyes that twinkled with the
+voluntary spirit. I had seen him on summer evenings clipping his hedge
+and pruning his roses, for we lived nearly opposite to each other.
+Suddenly he emerged from his newspaper and said in a quick determined
+way, "What this country wants, Sir, is more buttonholes. The best suits
+have only two buttonholes; that is to say, only two that are
+superfluous, the rest are all needed by buttons. It's a scandal, Sir!"
+
+"Isn't there one at the bottom of the waistcoat?" I asked.
+
+"Quite useless," he said with much energy, though smiling very kindly.
+"Quite useless for the purpose. The matter," he added, "would not be so
+urgent if we had more sleeves. Worse even than the dearth of buttonholes
+is the lack of eligible sleeves. In peace time two sleeves may have been
+sufficient; to-day ... Well, you can sympathise." He looked (still
+smiling) at the khaki armlet that bound my arm and the Special
+Constable's badge that nestled in my overcoat.
+
+He had the shy decisiveness of a man who seldom spoke his mind. If
+necessary I would have wrested his name from him and pretended a
+relationship with his wife. But he needed no encouragement.
+
+"At the beginning, when one was just a special constable, it didn't
+matter so much. I wore my badge and my armlet when I was on duty and
+sometimes when I was not. Even when I joined our Volunteer Corps I was
+not seriously embarrassed. After all, one could alternate the badges and
+the armlets and, at a pinch, wear them all together. Then I became an
+unskilled munition worker, which meant three badges and two armlets. At
+first I wore two on my overcoat and three inside. Then I would give some
+of them a rest, generally to find that I was wearing the wrong ones on
+the wrong occasions. Altogether it was very confusing."
+
+"So far," I said with some sympathy, "I can follow you. I am myself an
+unskilled War Office clerk; but you have forgotten Lord DERBY'S armlet,
+which at the moment has the place of honour with me."
+
+"No," he said, "I have that too. And I have another badge. I earned it
+on New Year's Day."
+
+He took off his spectacles and rubbed them mechanically. It gave him a
+very detached appearance and he spoke gently, without malice.
+
+"I have an aunt," he said, "by self-election, a most worthy woman, who
+was my mother's cousin. It came to her ears that I had become a
+teetotaler for the duration of the war. It appears that there is a badge
+for temporary teetotalers. She brought me one. She begged me with tears
+in her eyes to wear it. I remonstrated. I pointed out that if every
+public and private virtue is to be symbolised in this fashion, people
+with few vices and a willing heart would soon be perpetually in
+fancy-dress."
+
+"And what happened?" I asked.
+
+"I wavered for a time and then happily I found a way out. A few days ago
+it occurred to me that there must be other means, as yet untried, of
+advertising one's patriotism. I saw a notice in a restaurant I sometimes
+go to, 'No Germans or Austrians Employed Here.' 'Happy proprietor,' I
+said, 'who can so trumpet his honesty without increasing either his
+badges or his armlets!' The fact is that it set me thinking. Eventually
+I hit on a plan. It was very disappointing to my aunt, but it answers
+wonderfully."
+
+"May I ask?" I said; "it might be useful."
+
+"Oh, certainly, certainly. We have bought a little enamelled plate and
+had it fixed to our gate. You may have noticed it. It has the words, 'No
+Bottles.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MASCOT.
+
+[Illustration: _Adoring Damsel._ "And you _will_ wear it always, _won't_
+you?"
+
+_Popular young Sub._ "Thanks awfully. It's frightfully decent of you,
+and all that, but--er--you see, there's a lot of other little chaps
+waitin' to do their bit; I'm afraid he'll have to take his turn with the
+rest." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--You didn't catch sight of any mention of me in
+despatches, did you? I have been rather too busy myself to read the list
+properly, but I did just have time to cast a casual eye over the "H's,"
+and I didn't notice the name of "Henry" standing out in heavy-leaded
+capitals. It must be an inadvertence, of course. They must have said
+something about me, as, for instance: "Especially to be remarked is the
+noble altruism of Lieut. Henry, who on more than one march has been
+observed to take his pack, containing all his worldly goods, off his
+back and to hand it without ostentation to some lucky driver of a
+limber, saying, 'Take it, my lad; your need is greater than mine.'" Or
+again, referring to my later career: "The pen is mightier than the
+sword, but Lieut. Henry's indelible pencil, when engaged on official
+correspondence, is mightier than both." Or at least, at the very
+beginning of things, I'm quite sure the Mentioner devoted a passing
+phrase to me: "By the way, I have just received a consignment described
+on the Movement Order as 'Officer, one, Henry, Lieut.' Speaking frankly
+as between ourselves, what is it exactly? In any case I would gladly
+exchange for a dozen tins of bully beef."
+
+Talking of despatches, I see that our old friend the Regimental
+Anarchist has not escaped notice. I never thought he would, for a less
+unnoticeable man I don't remember meeting. He is one of those big untidy
+fellows, very nice for purposes of war and all that, whom not the
+cleverest adjutant could manage to conceal on a ceremonial parade. His
+service equipment alone was notorious in the division. While we were
+still in England he and I used to share a billet. Every night the last
+thing I saw before going to sleep was the Anarchist trying on a new
+piece of personal furniture. He had at least a hundred aunts, and each
+of them had at least a hundred bright ideas; besides which few days went
+by but he paid a generous visit to the military outfitter. Never in my
+life shall I forget the sight of him during our last moments at home.
+While others were stuffing into themselves the last good meal they
+expected to taste for three years or the duration, he was putting on
+patent waterproof after patent waterproof. He stepped forth at last,
+sweating at every pore, and it wasn't raining at the time and didn't
+look like raining till next winter. The 38-lb. limit prevented his
+putting more than four coats into his valise, and his method of packing
+didn't economise space. If there had been any limit, however generous,
+to the amount of room an officer may occupy in the column of route we'd
+have had to go abroad without our Anarchist, and a much quieter and more
+respectable life we'd have had that way.
+
+Even in our earliest days in B.E.F., when we were well behind the firing
+line, he started playing with fire. Thinking that we shared his low
+tastes he would gather us round him and lecture us on the black
+arts.--"This little fellow," he would say, fetching an infernal machine
+out of his pocket--"this little fellow is as safe as houses provided he
+has no detonator in his little head. But we will just make sure." A
+flutter of excitement would pass round the audience as he started
+unscrewing the top to make sure. "Of course," he'd continue, finding the
+screw a bit stiff and getting absorbed in his toy--"of course, if there
+_should_ happen to be a detonator inside, you have only to tickle it and
+almost anything may happen." While he'd be struggling with the screw,
+the front row of the audience would be shifting its ground to give the
+back rows a better view. "You can't be too careful," he'd say, passing
+it lightly from one hand to the other in order to search for his
+well-known clasp-knife, "for if you're not careful," he'd explain,
+tucking the bomb under his arm so as to have both hands free to open the
+knife--"if you're not careful," he'd say, suddenly letting go the knife
+in order to catch the bomb as it slid from his precarious hold--"if
+you're not very careful" (getting to real business with the murderous
+blade), "very--very--careful...." But none of us were ever near enough
+by that time to hear what would happen if we weren't (or even if he
+wasn't).
+
+And then those strange nights in the trenches, when he and I used to be
+on duty together! I would be waiting in our luxurious, brightly-lit
+gin-palace of a dug-out for him to join me at our midnight lunch. He'd
+come in at last, clad in his fleece lining, the only survivor of his
+extensive collection of overcoats, its absence of collar giving him a
+peculiarly clerical look. He'd sit down to his cocoa, but hardly be
+started on the day before yesterday's newspaper (just arrived with the
+rations) before the private bombardment would begin. I would spring to
+attention; he would go on reading. "Hush!" I'd say. (Why "Hush!" I don't
+know.) "What's all that for?" "Me," he'd say, turning to the personal
+column. And then I'd know that, seizing the opportunity of being
+unobserved, he'd been out for nocturnal stroll with a handful of bombs,
+seeking a little innocent pleasure. The gentlemen opposite, not being
+cricketers themselves or knowing anything about the slow bowler, had, as
+usual, mistaken him for a trench mortar and were making a belated reply.
+
+Only his servant accompanied him on these jaunts. He was a nice quiet
+villain, whose lust for adventure had, I always imagine, been long ago
+satisfied by a dozen or so gentle burglaries in his civilian past. He
+didn't want to kill people; his job in life was to keep his master alive
+and well fed. So when the latter went out bombing he thought he might as
+well go out with him, and occupy himself picking turnips for to-morrow's
+stew.
+
+When the Anarchist wasn't distributing bombs he was collecting bullets.
+Being untidy by nature, he didn't particularly care where they hit him,
+provided they didn't damage his pipe. That was all he cared about, his
+lyddite and his tobacco. I often wonder how it was he didn't get the two
+habits of his life mixed up--fill a pipe with H.E., light it and finish
+off that way. But he didn't; he has just gone on collecting lead,
+letting it accumulate about his person until it got too heavy to be
+convenient and then resorting to the nearest hospital to have it
+removed. I hear he's there now, the result, I gather, of a bit of a
+show. It was his servant who was walking about that unhealthy field at
+that imprudent time and found him. One would like to paint a romantic
+picture of the meeting, but I doubt if there was much romance about it.
+I am quite sure all the Anarchist cared about was his tobacco pouch and
+all the servant was interested in was the further collection of
+vegetables, just in case.
+
+I can see our Anarchist, lying in his little white bed in the hospital,
+surrounded by his sevenpenny racing novels (with or without covers), his
+tins of navy-cut (some empty, some full), his fleece lining, his
+compass, his socks, his field-glasses, his ties, his revolver and his
+last month's letters (some opened, some not), all jumbled happily
+together, with his ragged old shaving-brush reigning proudly in the
+midst. I doubt if he knows he's been "mentioned," for one could never
+get him to take interest in any news which wasn't "sporting"; possibly
+he is made suspicious by the uncomfortable presence of unopened
+telegrams in all corners of his bed. But one thing I do hope, and that
+is that this bed is, at any rate, not strewn, inside and out, with
+unexploded hand-grenades.
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WARFARE AT THE BARBER'S.
+
+[Illustration: "What do you think of the paper this morning, Sir?"]
+
+[Illustration: "Quite time we had compulsion, eh?"]
+
+[Illustration: "No good shutting our eyes to facts."]
+
+[Illustration: "What we want is more energy."]
+
+[Illustration: "Of course mistakes will happen"--]
+
+[Illustration: "And it's no good pouring cold water on enthusiasm."]
+
+[Illustration: "I'm hoping for that 'forward push' in the Spring."]
+
+[Illustration: "Well, it will be a great relief when it's all over."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRUSSIAN DREAM OF PEACE IN THE SPRING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVINCIAL PATRIOTS.
+
+_From Jim Figgis, Whitty Bridge, to George Roberts, South Farm,
+Sudborough._
+
+_Dec. 5th._ 1915.
+
+DEAR GEORGE,--I hear the remount officer is coming round your part. I
+have a compact little bay horse, just the sort for the Army. We must all
+do our bit now, so here's our chance. The Vet says the horse has
+laminitis in his off fore foot, but it's all my eye. Anyhow he's the
+useful sort they require for the Army. They wouldn't look at me if I
+offered him, but you can get round them. Give me fifty quid and I'll
+send him over.
+
+Your friend, J. FIGGIS.
+
+
+_From George Roberts to Jim Figgis.
+
+Dec. 7th,_ 1915.
+
+DEAR JIM,--Yours to hand. No one can say that you're not a good patriot,
+and I won't be No. 2. But fifty quid for that little horse--not me. Say
+thirty and he's mine, sound or unsound.
+
+Yours, G. ROBERTS.
+
+
+_George Roberts to the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone, White Lion Hotel,
+Sudborough._
+
+_Dec. 10th,_ 1915.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Hearing you are looking out for horses for the Army I write
+to say I have one or two which I shall be pleased to place at your
+disposal and at a very reasonable price, as in these times we must all
+give up something for the country. I shall be pleased to see you at any
+time convenient, except Tuesday, when I have to be at our local
+Agricultural Show.
+
+Yours to command,
+
+G. ROBERTS.
+
+
+_From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone to George Roberts._
+
+_Dec. 11th,_ 1915.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Thank you for your letter. It is very satisfactory to find
+local people of your position anxious to help. I will call at your farm
+on Friday next and see the horses you refer to. With thanks,
+
+Yours truly, M. FOPSTONE.
+
+P.S.--I have been warned against a man named Figgis. Do you know him?
+
+
+_From George Roberts to the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone._
+
+_Dec. 13th,_ 1915.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Friday will suit me very well for your call, at any time you
+please. You are quite right to avoid Figgis; he is one of the small
+horse-dealing class who are a discredit to our country districts. Any
+further information is at your service.
+
+Yours to command, G. ROBERTS.
+
+
+_From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone to George Roberts._
+
+_Dec. 21st_, 1915.
+
+DEAR MR. ROBERTS,--I have now pleasure in enclosing cheque for £65 for
+bay horse. As stated to you when I called at South Farm, I was not in a
+position to go beyond £60 without further authorisation; this I have now
+obtained. Thanking you for the patriotic spirit you have shown in this
+little business,
+
+Yours truly, M. FOPSTONE.
+
+
+_From the Adjutant, Royal Beetshire Hussars, Tickful Camp, to Messrs.
+Davison Bros., The Mart, Southtown._
+
+_Jan. 1st,_ 1916.
+
+Please enter bay gelding, aged, sent herewith, in your next sale without
+reserve, as he is not sound and of no use to Army.
+
+
+_Memo. from Davison Bros. to Adjutant._
+
+_Jan. 17th_, 1916.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Herewith please find cheque £5 4s. 3d. for bay gelding, being
+amount realised for same, less our commission and expenses.
+
+Yours faithfully, DAVISON BROS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Times_ heads an article, "Unity in the Air." It deals, however,
+with the new Anglo-French Aviation Conference and has nothing to do with
+the latest _Peter Pan_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GALLIPOLI-AND AFTER?
+
+[Illustration: Sultan. "CONGRATULATE ME, WILLIAM. NO ENGLISH REMAIN.
+I'VE DRIVEN THEM ALL INTO THE SEA!"
+
+Kaiser. "VERY CARELESS OF YOU. _WHY, THAT'S THEIR ELEMENT!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+[Illustration: _The Speaker_ (_lapsing for the first time from
+Parliamentary etiquette at the sight of Sir GEORGE REID ready to take
+his seat in the House_). "_Advance, Australia_!"]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, January 10th_.--In spite of sharp rebuke
+administered by SPEAKER last week the PERTINACIOUS PRINGLE to the fore
+again--to be precise, to the _Forward_. This the name of weekly paper
+that is published in Clyde district, and has of late emerged from
+obscurity by "deliberately inciting workers," as LLOYD GEORGE said, "not
+to carry out Act of Parliament passed in order to promote the output of
+munitions." On motion for adjournment PRINGLE perceived opportunity of
+attacking MINISTER OF MUNITIONS. Accused him of suppressing the sheet
+because it had reported proceedings at meetings attended by him in
+Glasgow, at which his speech was interrupted by noisy minority. This
+course of procedure imitated by PRINGLE when LLOYD GEORGE, replying,
+quoted passages in the paper making violent attack on the KING and
+systematic attempts to stem flood of recruiting.
+
+"These things," said the MINISTER, in passage loudly cheered, "meant
+life or death to our men in the field. They are not suitable matters for
+Parliamentary sport. We are dealing in tragedies. I am doing my best to
+save the men at the Front. I am entitled to be helped, not to be
+harried."
+
+OUTHWAITE, coming to assistance of PRINGLE, otherwise prangling all
+forlorn, jumped upon by Captain CAMPBELL.
+
+"If I had the Hon. Member in my battalion at the Front," he said, "he
+would be strung up by the thumbs before he had been there half-an-hour."
+
+This scarcely Parliamentary; but it passed the Chair, leaving the
+gallant Captain, who modestly wears well-won ribbon of D.S.O., time to
+adjure the House to "get on with the War."
+
+_Business done._--In House barely half full Motion carried calling upon
+Government to enter into consultation with the Overseas Dominions in
+order to bring economic strength of Empire into co-operation with our
+Allies in a policy directed against the enemy.
+
+_Tuesday._--Said with truth that a speech in the House of Commons,
+however forcible and eloquent, rarely influences a vote. Some orators,
+however, have gift of stirring the soul to emotions that carry a man to
+actions beyond range of conventionality. Such an one is the Right Hon.
+THOMAS LOUGH, commonly and affectionately known through several
+Parliaments as "Tommy." One of small faction of Liberals who have not
+withdrawn opposition to Military Service Bill. Declaiming against it
+just now on motion for Second Reading, he described it as a sham.
+
+"It is not true," he said, "that young unmarried men have held back. On
+the contrary they have come forward nobly and in great numbers."
+
+Vindication of a maligned class so affected somebody seated in the
+Strangers' Gallery that he loudly clapped his hands. This a decided
+breach of order. The Assyrians (in form of Gallery attendants) came down
+upon him like a wolf on the fold. Ordered him to withdraw. He explained
+that he was so entirely at one with argument of the Hon. Member for West
+Islington that he preferred to remain to listen to continuance of his
+speech. Assyrians insistent on his immediate departure. Martial spirit
+of young unmarried man roused. Refused to budge. Whereupon the
+Assyrians, lifting him out of the seat, carried him forth _vi et
+armis_--free translation, by legs and arms.
+
+From his seat below the Gangway Mr. FLAVIN watched procedure with
+wistful eyes. Remembered how towards break of day dawning on an
+all-night sitting held towards the close of last century he also was
+carried forth shoulder high, not by officers of the House in nice white
+shirt fronts, with glittering badges hung round their necks, but by the
+common or street policeman helmeted and belted. As he journeyed he sang,
+"God save Ireland," his compatriots, more or less attuned, joining in
+the chorus.
+
+Recognition of historical incident sharply marks contrast in attitude of
+Irish Members then and now. Still fighting for Home Rule they stopped
+short of no outrage upon order, systematically and successfully
+obstructing public business. Military Service Bill offers enticing
+opportunities for exercise of old tactics. They might, if they pleased,
+keep House sitting for weeks fighting Bill in Committee line by line,
+word by word, as was their custom of an afternoon, and half-way through
+the night, in days of old. Other times other manners. Interposing early
+in debate JOHN REDMOND announced that his party, having made their
+protest against Bill in Division Lobby on First Reading, would withdraw
+from further opposition.
+
+_Business done_--Second Reading of Military Service Bill moved.
+
+_Wednesday._--Sir GEORGE REID, having completed term of service as High
+Commissioner of Australia, took his seat as Member for St. George's,
+Hanover Square. Carefully dismounting at Bar from his native steed he
+was introduced by BONAR LAW, Unionist Colonial Secretary, and HARCOURT,
+Colonial Secretary in late Liberal Government. This concatenation of
+circumstance, testifying to universal esteem and exceptional personal
+popularity, unique in Parliamentary records.
+
+New-comer will serve in double capacity. Nominally Member for St.
+George's, he will also be Member for Australia, an innovation that will
+probably have wider scope and formal recognition when the Overseas
+Dominions have completed their splendid work of helping the Mother
+Country to bring the War to triumphant conclusion.
+
+GEORGE REID'S career on a new stage will be watched with keen interest
+in his two antipodal homes. Since, six years ago, he came to London, he
+has acquired the reputation of being one of the best after-dinner
+speakers of the day. How will the qualities that ensure success in that
+direction serve him at Westminster? MACAULAY truly said, "The House of
+Commons is the most peculiar audience in the world. A place in which I
+would not promise success to any man."
+
+The MEMBER FOR SARK puts his money (or such portion as is left after
+paying War taxes) on the Member for St. George's, Hanover
+Square-_cum_-Australia.
+
+Debate on Second Reading of Military Service Bill resumed. Best thing
+said during two days' talk was an incidental remark of BIRRELL'S.
+Relating history of Bill in Cabinet he said he had felt it his duty to
+say something about Ireland.
+
+"What I said," he added, "is of course known only to those of my
+colleagues who were sitting round the table and to such representatives
+of the London Press as were sitting underneath it."
+
+This hint explains mystery clouding the fact that whilst the secrets of
+Cabinet Councils are held to be inviolable there are morning papers able
+habitually to give detailed information of what passes behind the locked
+and barred doors.
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading of Military Service Bill carried by 431
+votes against 39.
+
+_Thursday._--After advancing three minor Government Bills a stage, House
+adjourned at 5.30.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sailor (who has been reprimanded by young officer for
+not saluting him)._ "Beg pardon, Sir; but you Tommies are all so much
+alike." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Guest_ (_who has been asked to a theatre dinner-party_).
+"I say, I thought--"
+
+_Host._ "Oh, don't bother about your clothes, old chap. People will only
+think you're a bit old-fashioned."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OFFICIAL STYLE.
+
+Extract from an Indian Service register:--
+
+    "Service Order 41 of 1914, dated 16-10-14. He was appointed
+    acting Forest Guard and posted to Surumoni beat, in place of
+    Chowdri Zaicko, Forest Guard, who was devoured by a tiger with
+    effect from the forenoon of 16th Oct. 1914."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
+
+Here where the world is quiet except for the noise of the rain trickling
+into one's valise through the nooks and crannies of one's rustic
+apartment--here where there is no peril from above and no peril from in
+front, neither peril of enfilade, here too--it is a Base I am doing this
+sentence about--we have our problems.
+
+To begin with there is the glorious uncertainty of things. Some men are
+here to-day and the far side of Wipers to-morrow night. Others arrive
+from England thirsting for all sorts of things that no sane man ever
+wants to have anything to do with, and are kept doing a bomb course and
+a machine-gun course on alternate days for eight months. There is a tale
+told of one such who, when he was finally sent to the trenches, was
+returned as hopeless after three days because he would do nothing except
+sit beside a machine gun trying to fill the belt with grenades. There is
+no sadder story in the War.
+
+Now if I knew for certain that I was going to be here eight months I
+could marry and settle down. Or if I knew for certain I was for Wipers
+to-morrow night I could make a new will--not that there's anything the
+matter with the old one, but I met a man on leave who put me up to some
+good tips in will-making--and settle up. But as it is part of our
+military system for junior officers not to know anything I dare not even
+have my letters forwarded.
+
+Anyhow, Bases are not what they were in my young days. Of course there
+were always parades; but you obviously couldn't parade while you were
+busy over some Alternative Necessary Duty. Alternative Necessary Duties
+were always my strongest suit. On the evening of my arrival in camp I
+would summon the Band Sergeant and provide him with my programme of
+work. On Monday he would please arrange for a criminal in my detail. On
+Tuesday I would use my influence in the matter of obtaining clothing for
+my detail. This would be a very laborious task, involving three
+signatures in ink or indelible pencil; but no matter, to a good officer
+the comfort of his men comes before everything. On Wednesday I would pay
+my men. Rotten job, paying out, but ensures Generous Glow, and no
+expense unless you lose the Acquittance Roll. On Thursday I would read
+Standing Orders to the latest arrived draft; maybe they had had this
+done to them once already, but one cannot be too particular. A private I
+know of who had only had Standing Orders read to him once got into awful
+trouble through carelessly kicking a recalcitrant corporal on the head.
+That just shows you. On Friday--but I weary you, if that be possible.
+Suffice it that the Base went very well then.
+
+The trouble began, as usual, high up. The G.O. Commanding something most
+frightfully important inspected one of our parades one morning and found
+7,528 other ranks under one Second-Lieutenant. All might have been well
+if the Second-Lieutenant had not forgotten to fire the correct salute of
+fourteen bombs (or whatever was the correct salute). The G.O.C.
+investigated. He searched the woods and delved in the instructional
+trenches, but never another officer came to light. So he went home and,
+after a bad lunch--we surmise--set himself to abolish Alternative
+Necessary Duties in a formal edict. No officer is to absent himself from
+a parade except by the express orders of an O.C. Base Depôt.
+
+This happened several days ago, and the ruling is probably obsolete by
+now, but I am wondering how I shall break the news to the G.O.C. if I
+should happen to meet him on one of my morning walks into town; and in
+my heart of heart I know that one fine morning I shall be cowardly, and
+wake before nine, and attend my first parade at army Base. Some zealous
+despatch rider will dash hot-foot to the G.O.C. with the news, and he
+will come and rub his hands and chuckle and gloat. It will be a Black
+Day.
+
+Here too there are minor points of etiquette that vex one. Is it correct
+for me, having bought half a kilo of chocolates while waiting for a
+train, to kill further time by eating them out of a paper bag under the
+surveillance of an A.S.C. sergeant? or ought I to offer a few to the
+sergeant with some _jeu d'esprit_--never coarse and never cruel--about
+bully beef? Of such are the complexities with which a Base harasses the
+soul of an officer nurtured in the genial simplicity of trench life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the Peace demonstration in Berlin:--
+
+    "The people simply turned up themselves, and everyone was highly
+    turned up themselves, and everyone was highly pleased with the
+    result."--_Egyptian Mail._
+
+It seems to have been a complete revolution.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY LISPINGS.
+
+The "motive" of Mrs. Pumfrey Lord's new novel is Christian Science, and
+the hero, the Duke of Southminster, is understood to be a composite
+portrait of Lord ROSEBERY and Mr. GLADSTONE. The character of the evil
+genius of the plot, Lord Rufus Doldrum, is partly modelled on
+ALCIBIADES, but in its main lines is reminiscent of Mrs. EDDY and Major
+WINSTON CHURCHILL. On the other hand the eccentric Lord Wymondham, who
+creates a sensation by appearing at a Cabinet meeting in
+accordion-pleated pyjamas, is understood to be an entirely imaginary
+personage. The novel, which has been running in _Wanamaker's Weekly_,
+will shortly be published by the Strongmans.
+
+
+A Poet who Counts.
+
+Mr. Ouseley Pampfield, who has been recuperating at Buxton after
+spraining his ankle while getting out of his magnificent motor, is now
+seeing his new volume of poems through the press. Under the arresting
+title of _The Soul of a Passivist_ they will shortly be published by the
+firm of Coddler and Slack.
+
+
+The Jimmisons Again.
+
+The Long Lanes will shortly publish a new "Jimmison" novel, The
+_Factota_. The heroine is a young lady enamoured of the doctrine of the
+economic independence of women. She enters a Draper's Emporium in
+Manchester and works her way up to the post of manager, but heads a
+strike of the work-girls. The claims of romance, however, are not
+overlooked, for in the long run _Retta Carboy_--for that is her charming
+name--wins the hand and heart of the junior partner's chauffeur, who
+turns out to be son of the Earl of Ancoats. The scene in which the
+Rolls-Royce, frightened by the sight of some Highland cattle, executes a
+cross-cut counter-rocking skid, is one of the finest things the
+Jimmisons have ever done.
+
+
+Armageddon in the Making.
+
+Governesses, so long the butt of unkindly satire, have at last come by
+their own. Miss Bertha Bowlong, who was governess to the KAISER in the
+late "sixties," is shortly about to publish her reminiscences of her now
+all-too-notorious pupil. Strange to say it never occurred to her to set
+them down till quite recently, nearly fifty years after the event. The
+book, which is now announced by the Talboys, is rich in illuminating
+anecdotes of the future WAR LORD, as well as vivid portraits of MOLTKE,
+BISMARCK, TREITSCHKE, MÜNCHHAUSEN, Eulenspiegel, Dudelsack and other
+luminaries of the Prussian capital.
+
+
+The Charm of Cannibalism.
+
+Miss Ermyntrude Stuggy (Mrs. Raymond Blott), whose extraordinary novel,
+_The Lurid Lady_, was described by Father BERNARD VAUGHAN as the most
+"precipitous" book he had ever preached on, has returned to England
+after two years' residence among the cannibals of the Solomon Islands.
+Hence the title of her forthcoming volume, _The Adorable Anthropophagi_,
+which is already announced by Messrs. Hybrow and Garbidge. The contents
+explain why Mr. Blott has heroically preferred to remain with the
+cannibals.
+
+
+Major Finch's Great Discovery.
+
+Major Hector Finch, the famous Nationalist M.P., philosopher,
+psychologist and scholar, has made a remarkable literary discovery. It
+is that _Johnson's Dictionary_ is not, as is generally supposed, the
+work of BEN JONSON, but of SAMUEL JOHNSON, the son of a Lichfield
+bookseller. This epoch-making revelation, briefly and modestly outlined
+in a letter to _The Daily Chronicle_, will be set forth in detail in a
+massive volume of 1,000 pages, with a portrait of the author, to be
+issued shortly by the House of Swallow and Gull.
+
+
+Odds and Ends.
+
+_The Vegetarians_, a novel with a strong dietetic interest by Janet
+Melinda Didham, is announced by the firm of Gherkin Mark.
+
+_The Molly Monologues_ is the alluring title of a volume of sketches by
+Richard Turpin, shortly appearing with Pincher and Steel.
+
+Miss Loofah Windsor, who wrote _The Washpot_, a successful story of last
+summer, has just finished a new one of a humorous type, called _What--no
+Soap_? which the Dinwiddies will publish in a month or two.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A few lucky corps actually had geese to pave the way for the
+    Christmas pudding; they were quartered in some place where a
+    whip round among the officers and a ride to the nearest town or
+    village secured enough geese to feed a battalion."
+
+    _Jersey Morning News_.
+
+Somehow we feel that this might have been more tactfully expressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Dillon harangued the House for three-quarters of an hour on
+    militarism, _The Daily Mail_, Suvla BaBy, and sundry other
+    topics."
+
+    _Daily Mail_.
+
+An extended report of his remarks on this interesting infant would have
+been welcome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE CARDS.
+
+To many people wholly free from superstition, except that, after
+spilling the salt, they are careful to throw a little over the left
+shoulder, and do not go out of their way to walk under ladders, and are
+not improved in appetite by sitting thirteen at table, and much prefer
+that may should not be brought into the house--to these people,
+otherwise so free from superstition, it would perhaps be surprising to
+know what great numbers of their fellow-creatures resort daily to such
+black arts as fortune-telling by the cards.
+
+Yet quite respectable, God-fearing, church-going old ladies, and
+probably old gentlemen too, treasure this practice, to say nothing of
+younger and therefore naturally more frivolous folk; and many make the
+consultation of the two and fifty oracles a morning habit.
+
+And particularly women. Those well-thumbed packs of cards that we know
+so well are not wholly dedicated to "Patience," I can assure you.
+
+All want to be told the same thing: what the day will bring forth. But
+each searcher into the dim and dangerous future has, of course,
+individual methods--some shuffling seven times and some ten, and so
+forth, and all intent upon placating the elfish goddess, Caprice. There
+is little Miss Banks, for example, but I must tell you about her.
+
+Nothing would induce little Miss Banks to leave the house in the morning
+without seeing what the cards promised her, and so open and
+impressionable are her mind and heart that she is still interested in
+the colour of the romantic fellow whom the day, if kind, is to fling
+across her path. The cards, as you know, are great on colours, all men
+being divided into three groups: dark (which has the preference), fair,
+and middling. Similarly for you, if you can get little Miss Banks to
+read your fate (but you must of course shuffle the pack yourself) there
+are but three kinds of charmers: dark (again the most fascinating and to
+be desired), fair, and middling.
+
+It is great fun to watch little Miss Banks at her necromancy. She takes
+it so earnestly, literally wrenching the future's secrets from their
+lair.
+
+"A letter is coming to you from some one," she says. "An important
+letter."
+
+And again, "I see a voyage over water."
+
+Or very seriously, "There's a death."
+
+You gasp.
+
+"No, it's not yours. A fair woman's."
+
+You laugh. "Only a fair woman's!" you say. "Go on."
+
+But the cards have not only ambiguities, but strange reticences.
+
+"Oh," little Miss Banks will say, her eyes large with excitement,
+"there's a payment of money and a dark man."
+
+"Good," you say.
+
+"But I can't tell," she goes on, "whether you pay it to him or he pays
+it to you."
+
+"That's a nice state of things," you say, becoming indignant. "Surely
+you can tell."
+
+"No, I can't."
+
+You begin to go over your dark acquaintances who might owe you money,
+and can think of none.
+
+You then think of your dark acquaintances to whom you owe money, and are
+horrified at their number.
+
+"Oh, well," you say, "the whole thing's rubbish, anyway."
+
+Little Miss Banks's eyes dilate with pained astonishment.
+"Rubbish!"--and she begins to shuffle again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_dictating letter to be sent to his wife_). "The
+nurses here are a very plain lot--"
+
+_Nurse._ "Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us."
+
+_Tommy._ "Never mind, Nurse, put it down. It'll please her!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From "Notes for the Use of New Chaplains," by an Indian Archdeacon:
+
+    "I have only given advice on matters where, to my own knowledge,
+    an ignorance of procedure has led to adverse criticism with
+    regard to breeches of etiquette."
+
+Somebody seems to have been making fun of the venerable gentleman's
+continuations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. XXXIII.
+
+(_From Theodore Roosevelt, U.S.A._)
+
+It's bully to live in a country where you can say what you like about
+the bosses, and that, Sir, is what I've been doing and mean to go on
+doing to you. There's no manner of question about it, you're the biggest
+boss and the most dangerous that we in this country have ever come up
+against, and if our Government had only got a right idea of its bounden
+duty we should have protested against your conduct, yes, and backed our
+protest by our deeds long before this; but the fact is there's too much
+milk and water in the blood of some of our big fellows. They whine when
+they ought to be up and denouncing, and they crouch and crawl instead of
+standing upright like free and fearless men, and giving the devil's
+agent the straightest eye-puncher of which the human arm is capable. I
+thank Heaven, Sir, that I'm not made on that plan. I'm out to fight
+humbug and hypocrisy, even when they masquerade as friendship and
+benevolence; and when I see a fellow coming along with hundreds of pious
+texts in his mouth, and his hands dripping with the blood of innocent
+women and children, why, I've got to say what I think of him or die. For
+my own part--
+
+  "On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk,
+  Nor lard with Scripture my familiar talk;
+  For man may pious texts repeat
+  And yet religion have no inward seat."
+
+A man called HOOD wrote that nearly eighty years ago, but it's quite
+true still. I wonder what he would have written if he'd had the bad luck
+to know about you and your disgusting appeals to the Almighty, whom you
+treat as if He were always waiting round the corner to be decorated with
+the Iron Cross.
+
+Now mind, I don't want you to deceive yourself. If I dislike you and
+feel as if I'd sooner kick you than shake hands with you, it isn't
+because I'm a peace-at-any-price man. No man can say that about me
+without qualifying for a place within easy reach of ANANIAS; but when I
+decide to take part in a scrap--and there's few scraps going that I
+don't butt into sooner or later--I like to feel that I've got a bit of
+right on my side. But how can _you_ feel that when you over-run Belgium
+and burn down Louvain--that's the place that made your heart bleed,
+bah!--and when you shoot down Belgian hostages and do to death an
+English nurse? All that never seems to strike you. You go on thinking of
+yourself as a holy humble man whom everybody wilfully mistakes for a
+bully and a tyrant. Well, you can't fool everybody all the time, you
+know, and in this case it happens that everybody has got some sound
+horse-sense in his head. Who wanted to hurt you? You'd put together a
+great army and your commercial prosperity was a pretty good business
+proposition. You'd got a navy and you'd got a very meek and submissive
+people, which didn't prevent them from being harsh and domineering and
+cruel so far as other peoples were concerned. If you wanted to have folk
+afraid of you there were plenty to humour you by pretending to tremble
+when you frowned and shook your head. But you weren't going to be
+satisfied. You must have a war so as to show what a great general you
+were, and you shoved on the old man FRANCIS JOSEPH and kept urging him
+from behind until everyone got tired by the impossibility of making you
+come out fair and square on the side of peace.
+
+Well, you've got your war, and I hope you like it. This isn't one of
+your military promenades. This is hard, long fighting against men whose
+only wish was to be left alone. You've forced them to form a trust for
+the purpose of trust-busting, and in the end they'll wear you out and
+have you beaten to a frazzle in spite of all you can do. You've lost
+millions of men and millions of money, and you don't seem to get on with
+your final and decisive victory, and you're still the vainest and the
+loudest man on earth. Isn't it just about time you saw yourself as the
+rest of us see you, an irritable lime-light hero, whose favourite effort
+is to sink a _Lusitania_ and pretend he had to do it because he didn't
+think she'd go down or because there were too many women and just enough
+children in the world? All I can say is that I've had more than enough
+of you.
+
+THEODORE ROOSEVELT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEYOND THE LIMIT.
+
+    [The German General Staff declares that for air-warfare there
+    are still lacking international laws of any kind.]
+
+  When Peace lured the Powers to her House at the Hague
+  With promises specious and welcome though vague
+  Of a time when the terrors of war should lie hid
+  And the leopard fall headlong in love with the kid,
+  She drew up a set of Utopian rules
+  For the guidance of all the best bellicose schools.
+
+  Among the more notable schemes that she planned
+  She fashioned them bounds to their methods on land,
+  Taught the whole of them, too, how humane they could be
+  If a scrap should occur, as it might, on the sea--
+  In a word, pruned the pinions of war everywhere
+  Save the one place that war could fly into--the air.
+
+  But the Hun, he forswore what he vowed at her shrine,
+  And behaved like a fiend on the soil and the brine;
+  Then he turned to his Zepps, and remarked, "I can fly,
+  And she never laid down any law for the sky;
+  Here's a chance for some real dirty work to be done;"
+  And he did it by simply out-Hunning the Hun.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to Save Your Teeth.
+
+From the Soldiers and Sailors Dental Aid Fund (43, Leicester Square),
+which has done exceptional service during the War, comes the story of an
+old lady who applied for a set of teeth for her soldier grandson. When
+asked if he would know how to take care of them, she replied that she
+would give him the benefit of her own experience, having always made it
+a rule to remove her artificial teeth at meal times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two cuttings from one issue of _The Egyptian Mail_:--
+
+    "TREMENDOUS INCREASE IN RECRUITING.
+
+    ANOTHER 1,000,000,000 MEN WANTED."
+
+    "WANTED proof-reader for the Egyptian Mail."
+
+It certainly does want one; but for the sake of the gaiety of nations we
+trust it won't get him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "With regard to the expeditionary force, the unexampled heroism
+    and determination of our troops enabled them to establish a
+    foothold on the tip of the peninsula, but photographs confirm
+    the reports of eye-witnesses that they were literally holding on
+    by their eyelids to the positions they had occupied."--_Sunday
+    Times._
+
+And the subsequent abandonment was performed like winking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a draper's notice:--
+
+    "On Friday and Saturday the shops will be open until the usual
+    hours, although lights will not be visible outside. Customers
+    are requested to open the doors to obtain admittance."
+
+    _Rugby Advertiser._
+
+And not to climb through the windows, or come down the chimney, please.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOUJOURS LA POLITESSE.
+
+[Illustration: _British Officer_ (_in his best French_). "Êtes-vous un
+fumier, Monsieur?"
+
+_French ditto_ (_with only momentary hesitation_). "Mais oui,
+Monsieur."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I forget just how long it is since Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT united _Edwin
+Clayhanger_ and _Hilda Lessways_ in the bonds of matrimony. Time goes so
+fast these days that I met them again, and _Auntie Hamps_, and _Maggie_,
+and _Clara_, and the rest of the Three Towns company, as after an
+enormous interval. They themselves however have changed in nothing,
+except perhaps that the habit of introspection and their phenomenal
+capacity for self-astonishment have become more pronounced. "He thought,
+'I am I; this wife is my wife; and if I put one foot before the other I
+shall go inevitably forward.' And it seemed to him stupendous." I do not
+say that this is a quotation, but it represents a habit of mind that is
+in danger of growing, upon _Edwin_ especially. He seems never able to
+share my own entire confidence in Mr. BENNETT'S efficiency as creator.
+Of course nothing very much happens in the course of _These Twain_
+(METHUEN). It is simply a study of conjugal existence in its effect upon
+character; briefly, how to be happy though married. In the end _Edwin_
+seems to hit upon a sort of solution with the discovery that injustice
+is a natural condition to be accepted rather than resented. So one
+leaves the two with some prospect, a little insecure, of happiness.
+Needless to say the study of both _Edwin_ and _Hilda_ is marvellously
+penetrating and minute, almost to the point of defeating its own end. I
+had, not for the first time with Mr. BENNETT'S characters, a feeling
+that I knew them too well to have complete belief in them. They become
+not portraits but anatomical diagrams. But for all that the accuracy of
+his observation is undeniable. One sees it in those minor personalities
+of the tale whom he is content to record from without. _Auntie Hamps_,
+for example, and Clara are two masterpieces of portraiture. You must
+read _These Twain_; but if possible take time over it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+American improvements are the wonder of the world. America seems to have
+the knack of taking hold of old stuff and turning it into something full
+of pep and punch. You remember a play called _Hamlet_? No? Well, there
+is a scene in it, rather an impressive scene, where a man chats with his
+father's ghost. Mr. ROBERT W. CHAMBERS, America's brightest novelist,
+has taken much the same idea and put a bit of zip in it. In his latest
+work, _Athalie_ (APPLETON), the heroine, who is clairvoyant, sees the
+ghost of the hero's mother, who prevented the hero from marrying her,
+and cuts it. "A hot proud colour flared in her cheeks as she drew
+quietly aside and stood with averted head to let her pass." In all my
+researches in modern fiction I cannot recall a more dramatic and
+satisfying situation. It is, I believe, the first instance on record of
+a spectre being snubbed. SHAKSPEARE never thought of anything like that.
+As regards the other aspects of _Athalie_, the book, I cannot see what
+else a reviewer can say but that it is written by Mr. CHAMBERS. The
+world is divided into those who read every line Mr. CHAMBERS writes,
+irrespective of its merits, and those who would require to be handsomely
+paid before reading a paragraph by him. A million eager shop-girls,
+school-girls, chorus-girls, factory-girls and stenographers throughout
+America are probably devouring _Athalie_ at this moment. My personal
+opinion that the book is a potboiler, turned out on a definite formula,
+like all of Mr. CHAMBERS' recent work, to meet a definite demand, cannot
+deter a single one of them from sobbing over it. As for that section of
+the public which remembers _The King in Yellow_ and _Cardigan_, it has
+long ago become resigned to Mr. CHAMBERS' decision to take the cash and
+let the credit go, and has ceased to hope for a return on his part to
+the artistic work of his earlier period, when he wrote novels as opposed
+to Best Sellers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Let me heartily commend to you a book of stories by doughty penmen
+turned swordsmen for the period of the War--A. E. W. MASON, of the
+Manchester Regiment; A. A. M., of the Royal Warwicks; W. B. MAXWELL,
+Royal Fusilier; IAN HAY, A. and S. HIGHLANDER; COMPTON MACKENZIE, R.N.;
+"Q.," of the Duke of Cornwall's L.I.; OLIVER ONIONS, A.S.C.; BARRY PAIN,
+R.N.A.S.; and just short of a dozen others. Published by Messrs. HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON, under title, _The Red Cross Story Book_, to be sold for
+the benefit of _The Times_ Fund. It's the sort of book about which even
+the most conscientious reviewer feels he can honestly say nice things
+without any too thorough examination of the contents. With that thought
+I started turning over the pages casually, but found myself dipping
+deeper and deeper, until, becoming entirely absorbed, I abandoned all
+pretence of professional detachment and had a thoroughly good time. I
+should like to be able to state that the quality of these stories of
+humour, adventure and sentiment was uniform, if only for the sake of
+this appropriate word. But I can say that the best are excellent, the
+average is high, and the tenor so varied as to suit almost any age and
+taste.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Severe mental collapse experienced by a journalist who
+attempted to write an article on the rat plague in the trenches without
+making any reference to "The Pied Piper of Hamelin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. B. G. O'RORKE, Chaplain to the Forces, has written a short account
+of his experiences in confinement--_In The Hands of the Enemy_
+(LONGMANS). Seeing that he was allowed, as a minister of religion,
+unique opportunities of meeting our officers (though not men of the
+ranks) shut up in different fortresses, and particularly because he has
+been thoughtful enough to mention many of them by name, his narrative is
+one which nobody with near friends now in Germany can afford to miss.
+The general reader, on the other hand, may have to confess to some
+disappointment, since the foggy shadow of the Censor, German or English,
+still looms over the pages here and there, blotting out the sensational
+episodes which we felt we had reason, if not right, to expect; and if
+their absence is really due to Mr. O'RORKE'S steady refusal to indulge
+us by embellishing his almost too unvarnished recital the effect is just
+the same. Or perhaps the suggestion of flatness is to be ascribed to the
+enemy's failure on the whole to treat certain of his victims in any very
+extraordinary manner, and if so we can accept it and be thankful. There
+are lots of interesting passages all the same, such as the account of
+the specially favourable treatment of officers from Irish regiments,
+accorded in all Teutonic seriousness as preparatory to an invitation to
+serve in the ranks of Prussia; or the pathetic incident of the
+white-haired French priest sent to the cells for urging his congregation
+to pray _pour nos âmes_. Nowhere outside the Fatherland, I should
+imagine, would prisoners be forbidden to pray even _pour nos armes_, and
+the stupidity of the misunderstanding is typical enough. The cheerful
+dignity shown by prisoners under provocation makes a fine contrast to
+such pitiful smallness, and of that this little book is a notable
+record.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I suppose it would not be possible to travel in the Pacific without a
+fountain-pen and a note-book. At all events this seems a privation from
+which the staunchest of our literary adventurers have hitherto shrunk.
+Do not however regard this as anything more than a casual observation,
+certainly not as implying any complaint against so agreeable a volume as
+_Voyaging in Wild Seas_ (MILLS AND BOON). There must be many among the
+countless admirers of Mr. JACK LONDON who will be delighted to read this
+intimate journal of his travellings in remote waters, written by the
+wife who accompanied him, and who is herself, as she proves on many
+pages, one of the most enthusiastic of those admirers. You may say there
+is nothing very much in it all, but just some pleasant sea-prattle about
+interesting ports and persons, and a number of photographs rather more
+intimate than those that generally illustrate the published travel-book.
+But the general impression is jolly. Stevensonians will be especially
+curious over the visit to Samoa, concerning her first impressions of
+which Mrs. LONDON writes: "As the _Snark_ slid along, we began to
+exclaim at the magnificent condition of this German province--the
+leagues of copra plantation, extending from the shore up into the
+mountainous hinterland, thousands of close-crowded acres of heavy green
+palms." This was in May, 1908. Vailima was at that time the residence of
+the German Governor (a desecration since happily removed); but the
+LONDONS were able to explore the gardens and peep in at the rooms whose
+planning STEVENSON had so enjoyed. Later of course they climbed to the
+lonely mountain grave of "the little great man"--a phrase oddly
+reminiscent of one in an unpublished letter of RUPERT BROOKE (about the
+same expedition) that I had just been reading. Mrs. LONDON deserves our
+thanks for letting us share so interesting a holiday in these restricted
+days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+N MEMORY OF "MARTIN ROSS"
+
+(Violet Martin).
+
+  With _Flurry's_ Hounds, and you our guide,
+  We've learned to laugh until we cried;
+  Dear MARTIN ROSS, the coming years
+  Find all our laughter lost in tears.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, JANUARY 19, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22610-8.txt or 22610-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 19, 1916, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 19, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 19, 1916</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: September 15, 2007  [eBook #22610]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, JANUARY 19, 1916***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>January 19, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>In a description of Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener's</span>
+home at Broome Park we read that
+on the way there one passes a kind of
+crater known by the rustics as "Old
+England's Hole." And a little farther
+on you come to the man who got Old
+England out of it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A German professor advocates the
+appointment of State matrimonial
+agents. Elderly and experienced ladies
+and gentlemen should be employed to
+bring young people together, and "unostentatiously
+to give them practical
+counsel, conveying their remarks tactfully,
+and in such a way as not to
+awaken the spirit of contradiction
+found in youthful minds;"
+paying due regard, moreover,
+to theories of eugenics and
+heredity. The Winged Boy
+disguised as an antique German
+professor makes an attractive picture.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Some anxiety was caused in
+America by the news that the
+<span class="sc">Ford</span> Peace party was to meet
+in the Zoo at the Hague. But
+they have all emerged safely.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Governor of South Carolina,
+who was one of the members
+of this heroic mission,
+left the Hague in a great hurry
+and returned to America before
+the rest of the delegates. Much
+curiosity is expressed as to what
+the Governor of North Carolina
+will have to say to him on this
+occasion.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In spite of the Government's
+official discouragement of any
+further rise in wages a demand for an
+increase of no less than 33-1/3 per cent,
+has been made by the "knockers-up"
+in the Manchester district. For going
+round in the chill hours of the morning
+and wakening the workers, these blood-suckers
+(chiefly old men and cripples)
+receive at present the princely remuneration
+of threepence per head per
+week; and they have now the effrontery
+to ask for fourpence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The German Government has decided
+to raise the charge for telegrams.
+<span class="sc">Wolff's</span> Bureau has instructed its correspondents
+that in order to meet this
+new impost the percentage of truth
+in its despatches must be still further
+diminished.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Before the opening of the Luxemburg
+Parliament two members of the Opposition
+threw the chairs belonging to
+Ministers out of the window. It is
+feared that something of the kind may
+be attempted at Westminster, since
+several Members have been observed to
+cast longing eyes upon the Treasury
+Bench.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>With a view to increasing the food-supply
+the German Government have
+extended the time for shooting hares
+from January 16th to February 1st,
+and for pheasants from February 1st
+to March 1st. The dachshund season,
+we understand, will be continued for
+the duration of the War.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Count <span class="sc">Kospoth</span>, a member of the
+Prussian Upper House, in the course
+of an energetic plea for economy, remarks
+that "at one's country-seat one
+can very well do without a motor-car,
+and even with two to four horses in
+stables instead of six or eight."
+This was read with great satisfaction
+by the Berlin <i>Hausfrau</i> on a meatless
+day when the bread-card was exhausted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The House of Commons was quite
+relieved when Sir <span class="sc">George Reid</span> took
+his seat. There had been some fears
+that he would take two.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A young woman who mistook Vine-street
+police station for a tavern, and
+was fined ten shillings for drunkenness,
+is reported to have expressed the
+opinion that there is room for improvement
+in the nomenclature of our public
+edifices.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"My grave doubt," writes a Conscientious
+Objector regarding his fellows, "is
+whether there is any reasonable chance
+that most of them will be able to convince
+a tribunal that their conscientious
+objection is real." It may comfort him
+to know that his doubt is very widely
+shared.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>," writes a soldier
+at the Front who has been reading the
+Parliamentary reports,&mdash;"Do you think
+an officer out here who developed
+'conscientious objections' might get
+a week's leave?"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In the course of a debate in the
+Reichstag on the German Press Bureau
+it was revealed that the Censor had
+struck out quotations from <span class="sc">Goethe</span> as
+being dangerous to the State.
+Our man who tinkered with
+<span class="sc">Kipling</span> is wonderfully bucked
+by this intelligence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Bread is the staff of life, and,
+in the view of certain officers
+in the trenches, whose opinions
+we cannot of course guarantee,
+the life of the Staff is one long
+loaf.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Extracted from the report of
+an enthusiastic company commander
+after a brisk action
+with some tribesmen on the
+Indian Frontier: "The men
+were behaving exactly as if
+on ceremonial parade. They
+laughed and talked the whole
+time...." We seem to recognise
+that parade.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Extract from letter from an Unconscientious Slacker.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/041.png"><img width="100%" src="images/041.png" alt=""/></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Dear Lord Kitchener</span>,&mdash;I am not a good walker,
+which prevents my joining the Infantry. As I have no
+experience of horses, the Cavalry is also out of the question.
+The Artillery I don't care for on account of the noise, and
+flying makes me giddy. The A.S.C. does not appeal to me,
+and the R.A.M.C. would entail some very unpleasant duties.</p>
+
+<p>"So you had better not worry about me. Perhaps when
+the fine weather comes I may think about the Navy. I am
+rather keen on boating...."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"We have from the first declared
+that should the voluntary system fail
+to supply the men needed to win the
+war and who could be spared from
+civil war we would accept and support it."</p>
+
+<p><i>Manchester Guardian.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Unfortunately, to judge by the proceedings
+at the Labour Conference, the
+claims of civil war are very heavy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>This paragraph from "Town Topics"
+in <i>The Liverpool Echo</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"We know that many of our men&mdash;especially
+the single ones, judging by the Derby
+figures&mdash;are sheltering behind skirts"&mdash;
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>helps to explain this one:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Several lady tram-conductors in the city
+declare they are denied the common courtesies
+far more by women passengers of the female
+gender than by men."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The insistence upon the sex of the uncivil
+females is necessary to distinguish
+them from the male civilians.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Furnished</span> house (small) wanted in Edinburgh;
+with ballroom, h. &amp; c."&mdash;<i>Scotsman.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Hot for the chaperons and cold for the
+dancers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span>
+
+<h2>TO THE PRO-SHIRKERS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note">[Thirty-nine Members voted against the Second Reading of the
+Military Service Bill.]</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">     You that in civilian lobbies,</p>
+<p class="i10">          While the battle-thunder rolls,</p>
+<p class="i10">     Hug your little party hobbies,</p>
+<p class="i10">        So to save your little souls,</p>
+<p>Treating England's deadly peril like a topic for the polls;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">     Half of you&mdash;the record's written&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">        Lately strode to Downing Street</p>
+<p class="i10">     And for love of Little Britain</p>
+<p class="i10">        Wallowed at the <span class="sc">Premier</span>'s feet,</p>
+<p>Urging him to check the wanton waste of our superfluous Fleet.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">     Had your passionate prayer been granted</p>
+<p class="i10">        And the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> got his way,</p>
+<p class="i10">     Teuton crushers might be planted</p>
+<p class="i10">        On our hollow tums to-day,</p>
+<p>And a grateful foe be asking what you want for traitors' pay.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">     Disappointed with the Navy,</p>
+<p class="i10">        You in turn were keen about</p>
+<p class="i10">     Putting Thomas in the gravy,</p>
+<p class="i10">        Leaving Thomas up the spout,</p>
+<p>Lest if adequately aided he should wipe the strafers out.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">     Well, our memories may be rotten,</p>
+<p class="i10">        Yet they'll stick to you all right;</p>
+<p class="i10">     Not so soon shall be forgotten</p>
+<p class="i10">        Those whose hearts were fixed more tight</p>
+<p>On the salvage of a fetish than the winning of the fight.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">     When the Bosches bite the gutter</p>
+<p class="i10">        And we let our tongues go loose,</p>
+<p class="i10">     Franker words I hope to utter</p>
+<p class="i10">        In the way of free abuse,</p>
+<p>But at present I am badly hampered by the party truce.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WHITTLING THEM DOWN.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;I know you must be longing to have
+my analysis of the Derby figures. I hasten to comply, for
+I may say that I have never, since the War began, had
+finer scope for my individual talents. Never have I had&mdash;not
+even in the great Copper Controversy&mdash;a bunch of
+figures of which it may more truly be said that they are
+not what they seem, that there is more in them than meets
+the eye, and that they contain wheels within wheels.
+And first of all, Sir, I hope you will allow me to explain
+where I am in this matter; everybody's doing it; and you
+will then see at once the moral grandeur of my attitude.
+I am a convinced believer in the Voluntary System, always
+have been&mdash;on principle. But I am willing to sacrifice
+even that for victory. If it can be shown that by compulsion
+<i>one single man</i> can be added to our forces who would
+not have volunteered (even if he had been scientifically
+bullied), I will be willing to adopt conscription. But, Sir,
+it cannot be shown.</p>
+
+<p>The crux of the situation admittedly lies with the figures
+of the Single Men. (In case of misapprehension I should
+make it clear that when I spoke above of "one single man"
+I did not mean one unmarried man, but one sole man).
+We have to begin our attack upon this figure of 651,160
+unstarred single men unaccounted for. It seems a good
+many. But wait a bit. We shall now proceed to concentrate
+a powerful succession of deductions. It only needs a
+fearless and patriotic ingenuity.</p>
+
+<p>Let us not disregard obvious facts. From this number
+we must subtract&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>(1) Ministers of religion: 5 per cent.<br/>
+(2) Mercantile Marine:      5 "<br/>
+(3) Medically unfit:          40 "<br/>
+(4) Criminals:                    1-3/4 "<br/>
+(5) Badged:                     10 "<br/>
+(6) Indispensables:           10 "
+</p>
+
+<p>Total 71-3/4 per cent. You see we are already getting on.
+But before going any further we had better consolidate the
+ground already won by making certain additions, in case
+any one man has been counted twice. These are&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+(1) Ministers of religion who are also medically unfit.<br/>
+(2) Criminals in the mercantile marine.<br/>
+(3) Ministers of religion in the mercantile marine.<br/>
+(4) Criminals who are medically unfit.<br/>
+(5) Indispensable criminals.<br/>
+(6) Badged criminal ministers of religion.
+</p>
+
+<p>These categories taken together may be put at 7-1/4 per
+cent. of our 71-3/4 per cent., and must be deducted from the
+deductions. There are also the blind, halt and maimed,
+deaf, dumb and inebriate, but I am willing to throw all
+of them in so as to be on the safe side.</p>
+
+<p>So far we have to deduct, then, some 66-1/2 per cent. from
+our total. We must do better than that if we are to get on
+the right side of negligibility. So now we come to examine
+the canvass. A good many men were not canvassed, or at
+least misunderstood the canvasser. I know of one man
+in my constituency (unstarred, unbadged, fit, single and
+of army age) who thought the fellow had come to collect
+for Foreign Missions, to which he has a conscientious
+objection.</p>
+
+<p>Along with these I propose to deduct the great class of
+what I shall call the Self-centred. These are they who
+not only were never canvassed, but didn't even so much as
+hear about it, who had probably given up newspapers as a
+war economy and were living quiet virtuous lives in out-of-the-way
+places. Add to them removals and conscientious
+objectors (<i>less</i> allowance for conscientious removals) and
+we have a total not short of 27-1/2 per cent.</p>
+
+<p>Then again, as the supply of recruits becomes exhausted,
+it must always be remembered that we are dealing with a
+residuum. That is to say, those that remain are always
+growing more conscientious, more criminal, more unfit,
+more mercantile and so on. However, I count nothing for
+that, for I haven't much of my total left to dispose of, and
+I have still to deal with spoiled cards.</p>
+
+<p>Everyone who has assisted at a contested election knows
+very well that many mistakes occur. I propose to allow 3
+per cent. for illegible cards which prevented the canvasser
+from tracking his prey, 4 per cent. for those who failed to
+find the recruiting office owing to misdirection, but will be
+sure to find it before long, and 1/2 per cent. for sundries, such
+as men who were temporarily confined to the house.</p>
+
+<p>Our final result is thoroughly satisfactory, and one that
+must give Compulsionists some food for thought, for however
+much they may wish to introduce the principle they
+cannot desire to reduce our forces in the field in the middle
+of a great war. In a word, we must deduct 101-1/2 per
+cent. from 651,160. That gives us an adverse balance
+of 9,767. This means that, if the present Bill is to go
+through and compulsion is definitely adopted, nearly half a
+division of our present army must be disbanded forthwith.
+It is just as well that we should see clearly what we are
+heading for.</p>
+
+<p>It has given me great pleasure to have the opportunity
+of clearing up this vexed question.</p>
+
+<p>I am,  Yours as usual,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Statistician.  Bis.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;">
+  <h3>For neutrals</h3>
+  <a href="images/043a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/043a.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">"Why do we torpedo passenger ships?
+  Because we are being starved by the infamous English."</span></p>
+</div>
+<div class="figright" style="width:45%;">
+  <h3>For natives</h3>
+  <a href="images/043b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/043b.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">"Who says we are in distress?
+  Look what our splendid organisation is doing!"</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>.............</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span>
+
+<hr/>
+
+<h3>THE IRREPRESSIBLES.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/045.png"><img width="100%" src="images/045.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Nurse</i> (<i>of private hospital</i>). <span class="sc">"A message has just come in to ask if the hospital will make a little less noise, as the
+lady next door has a touch of headache."</span></p>
+</div>
+<hr/>
+
+<h2>EVEN.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+["Even the food of the men was wholesome
+and abundant."&mdash;<i>Report</i> of a German Correspondent
+who visited the High Canal
+Fleet.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Sing ho! for the Fleet in the Kiel Canal.</p>
+<p>Where every man is the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>'s pal,</p>
+<p class="i2">And lives upon beer and bread;</p>
+<p>And they all have food, so help them <span class="sc">Bill</span>!</p>
+<p>For every officer gets his fill</p>
+<p class="i2">And even the men are fed.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>His beard as long as his hair is short,</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Von Tirpitz</span> says with a mighty snort,</p>
+<p class="i2">"We've money and men and boats;</p>
+<p>We're here to-day and we're here to-morrow;</p>
+<p>Pass up the beer and drink death to sorrow;</p>
+<p class="i2">Why, even our Navy floats!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Behind the locks of our snug retreat</p>
+<p>We hurl defiance at <span class="sc">Jellicoe's</span> Fleet</p>
+<p class="i2">From Rosyth down to Dover!</p>
+<p>We look across at the wet, wet sea</p>
+<p>And we drink our beer till even we</p>
+<p class="i2">Are almost half-seas over!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Our men can eat, and they even drink;</p>
+<p>They walk and talk, and they almost think;</p>
+<p class="i2">They can turn to the left and right;</p>
+<p>And when we strike a blow in the back,</p>
+<p>Or sink a liner or fishing-smack,</p>
+<p class="i2">By Odin, they even fight!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Two headlines that appeared side by
+side in the same issue of an Evening
+Paper:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"WOMAN WILL PROBABLY BE TRIED
+IN CAMERA.<br/>
+GERMAN FEARS FOR LENS."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'Most of the world's real literature was
+written by poor authors in their garrets.'</p>
+
+<p>'Quite so. Homer, for example, wrote in
+the Attic.'"&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Did he now? And we were always
+taught that he wrote (or, rather, sang)
+in the Ionic.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From an article on the Clyde disputes:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Contrary to the instructions of the
+Munitions Ministry, peace-prices are sometimes
+reduced, with resulting friction."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We are glad to learn that the Scotch
+workmen do not belong to the peace-at-any-price
+brigade.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE CONQUEST.</h2>
+
+<p>Every January so long as I can
+remember it has been difficult; but
+this year more so than ever. I cannot
+say why, except that last year was
+peculiarly eventful and momentous.</p>
+
+<p>The odd thing is that one begins so
+well. For the first day, at any rate,
+one can do it quite easily; but it is
+after then that one has to be vigilant;
+and however vigilant one is there are
+off-guard moments when the fatal slip
+occurs.</p>
+
+<p>Nor will any mechanical device
+assist you, for nothing can successfully
+defeat the wandering of the mind.
+Continuous concentration is an impossibility;
+there is nothing for it but
+habit&mdash;a new habit that shall be as
+strong as the old&mdash;or the total cessation
+of all correspondence and (O that
+'twere possible!) all making out of
+cheques.</p>
+
+<p>Still conquest comes sooner or later,
+and I have reached that point in my
+own struggle. I have at last finally
+got over the tendency to write 1915.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"As a result of the Labour Conference at
+Westminster yesterday, a resolution was sunk
+on Lake Tanganyika."&mdash;<i>Western Daily Press.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The best place for it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span>
+
+<h2>A NEW THEATRICAL VENTURE.</h2>
+
+<p>A friend of mine has started as
+manager of his first theatre these
+holidays. It may seem to you an unpropitious
+moment for such a beginning,
+but in many ways this special theatre
+is exceptionally well guaranteed against
+failure. The proprietor was kind enough
+to invite my presence at his opening
+performance. As a matter of fact I
+had myself put up the money for it.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally I was anxious for the thing
+to be a success. The theatre stands
+on what you could truthfully call a
+commanding situation at one
+end of the schoolroom table.
+It is an elegant renaissance
+edifice of wood and cardboard,
+with a seating accommodation
+only limited by the
+dimensions of the schoolroom
+itself, and varying with the
+age of the audience. The
+lighting effects are provided
+in theory by a row of oil
+foot-lamps, so powerful as to
+be certain, if kindled, to consume
+the entire building; in
+practice, therefore, by a number
+of candle-ends, stuck in
+the wings on their own
+grease. These not only furnish
+illumination, but, when
+extinguished (as they constantly
+are by falling scenery)
+produce a penetrating aroma
+which is specially dear to the
+managerial nostrils.</p>
+
+<p>The manager, to whom I
+have already had the pleasure
+of introducing you, is Peter.
+I have been impatiently waiting
+for the moment of Peter's
+first theatre, these nine years.
+Like marbles or <i>Treasure
+Island</i>, it is at once a landmark
+and a milestone in the
+present-giving career of an
+uncle. So I had devoted some considerable
+care to its selection.</p>
+
+<p>In one respect Peter's theatre reminds
+me of the old Court in the days
+of the <span class="sc">Vedrenne-Barker</span> repertory.
+You recall how one used to see the
+same people at every performance, a
+permanent nucleus of spectators that
+never varied? The difference is that
+Peter's permanent nucleus are neither
+so individually agreeable nor in any
+true sense enthusiasts of the drama.
+Indeed, being painted on the proscenium,
+with their backs to the stage,
+the effect they produce is one of studied
+indifference. Nay more, a horrible suspicion
+about them refused to be banished
+from my thoughts; it was based partly
+upon the costumes of the ladies, partly
+on the undeniably Teutonic suggestion
+in the gentlemen's uniforms. However,
+I said nothing about this to Peter.</p>
+
+<p>Despite the presence of these unpleasing
+persons, the opening performance
+must be pronounced a real success.
+Perhaps more as a spectacle than anything
+else. Scenically the show was
+a triumph; the memory of the Forest
+Glade especially will remain with me
+for weeks by reason of the stiff neck
+I got from contorting myself under
+Peter's guidance to the proper angle
+for its appreciation. But histrionically
+it must be confessed that things
+dragged a little. Perhaps this was
+due to a certain severity, not to say
+baldness, in the dialogue as spoken.
+Not having read the script, I have a
+feeling that it might be unfair to judge
+the unknown author by the lines as
+rendered by Peter, who was often pre-occupied
+with other anxieties. As, for
+example, the scene in the Baronial
+Castle between its noble but unscrupulous
+proprietor and a character introduced
+by Peter with the simple notice:
+"This is a murderer coming on now."</p>
+
+<p><i>Baron.</i> Oh, are you a murderer?</p>
+
+<p><i>Murderer.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Bar.</i> Oh, well, you've got to murder
+the Princess.</p>
+
+<p><i>Murd.</i> All right.</p>
+
+<p><i>Bar.</i> That's all of that scene.</p>
+
+<p>Crisp, of course, and to the point;
+but I feel sure that there must have
+been more in the interview as originally
+written.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps, again, the cast was to blame
+for whatever may have been disappointing
+in the performance. Individually
+they were a fine company, passionate
+and wiry of gesture, and full of energy.
+Indeed their chief fault sprang from an
+incapacity to remain motionless in
+repose. This led to a notable lack of
+balance. However sensational it may
+be for the exit of every character to
+bring down the house, its effect is
+unfortunately to retard the action of
+the piece.</p>
+
+<p>Personally I consider that
+the women were the worst
+offenders. Take the heroine,
+for example. Lovely she may
+have been, though in a style
+more appreciated by the late
+<span class="sc">George Cruikshank</span> than by
+myself; but looks are not
+everything. Art simply didn't
+exist for her. Revue might
+have been her real line; or,
+better still, a strong-woman
+turn on the Halls. There
+was the episode, for instance,
+where, having to prostrate
+herself before the Baron, she
+insisted upon a backward exit
+(with the usual result) and
+then made an acrobatic re-entrance
+on her knees.</p>
+
+<p>Tolerant as he was, even
+Peter began at last to grow
+impatient at the vagaries of
+his company. Finally, when
+the Executioner (a mere
+walker-on of no importance
+whatever) had twice brought
+ridicule upon the ultimate
+solemnities of the law by
+his introduction of comic
+dives off the scaffold, the
+manager rang down the curtain.
+Not before it was time.</p>
+
+<p>"They're lovely to look
+at," he observed, surveying the supine
+cast, "but awfully difficult to do anything
+with."</p>
+
+<p>"Peter," I answered gratefully, "as
+an estimate of the theatrical profession
+your last remark could hardly be improved
+upon."</p>
+
+<p>Of course he didn't understand; but,
+being dramatist as well as uncle, I
+enjoyed saying it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/046.png"><img width="100%" src="images/046.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Nervous Country Gentleman</i> (<i>as taxi just misses an island</i>). "<span class="sc">Do
+drive carefully, please.  I'm not accustomed to taxis</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Driver</i> "<span class="sc">That's funny! I ain't used to 'em, neither. As
+a matter o' fact I've only taken this on for a bet</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"February 3.&mdash;A total eclipse of the sun,
+partly visible at Greenwich as a partial eclipse.
+Eclipse begins to be visible at Greenwich at
+4.31 <span class="sc">P. M.</span>; ends after the sun has set."</p>
+
+<p>"February 3.&mdash;A partial eclipse of the
+moon, partly visible at Greenwich. Begins
+at 4.31 <span class="sc">P. M.</span>"&mdash;<i>Churchman's Almanack.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This double obscuration will make
+navigation very difficult for sky-pilots.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span>
+
+<h2>BADGES.</h2>
+
+<p>My companion had the habit of
+muttering to himself and I was relieved
+when he leant over and spoke to
+me. He was a dry little man of middle
+age, with a nervous kindly face and
+eyes that twinkled with the voluntary
+spirit. I had seen him on summer
+evenings clipping his hedge and pruning
+his roses, for we lived nearly opposite
+to each other. Suddenly he emerged
+from his newspaper and said in a quick
+determined way, "What this country
+wants, Sir, is more buttonholes. The
+best suits have only two buttonholes;
+that is to say, only two that are
+superfluous, the rest are all needed by
+buttons. It's a scandal, Sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't there one at the bottom of
+the waistcoat?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Quite useless," he said with much
+energy, though smiling very kindly.
+"Quite useless for the purpose. The
+matter," he added, "would not be so
+urgent if we had more sleeves. Worse
+even than the dearth of buttonholes is
+the lack of eligible sleeves. In peace
+time two sleeves may have been sufficient;
+to-day ... Well, you can sympathise."
+He looked (still smiling) at
+the khaki armlet that bound my arm
+and the Special Constable's badge that
+nestled in my overcoat.</p>
+
+<p>He had the shy decisiveness of a man
+who seldom spoke his mind. If necessary
+I would have wrested his name
+from him and pretended a relationship
+with his wife. But he needed no
+encouragement.</p>
+
+<p>"At the beginning, when one was
+just a special constable, it didn't matter
+so much. I wore my badge and my
+armlet when I was on duty and sometimes
+when I was not. Even when I
+joined our Volunteer Corps I was not
+seriously embarrassed. After all, one
+could alternate the badges and the
+armlets and, at a pinch, wear them all
+together. Then I became an unskilled
+munition worker, which meant three
+badges and two armlets. At first I
+wore two on my overcoat and three
+inside. Then I would give some of
+them a rest, generally to find that I was
+wearing the wrong ones on the wrong
+occasions. Altogether it was very confusing."</p>
+
+<p>"So far," I said with some sympathy,
+"I can follow you. I am myself
+an unskilled War Office clerk; but
+you have forgotten Lord <span class="sc">Derby's</span>
+armlet, which at the moment has the
+place of honour with me."</p>
+
+<p>"No," he said, "I have that too.
+And I have another badge. I earned
+it on New Year's Day."</p>
+
+<p>He took off his spectacles and rubbed
+them mechanically.  It gave him a
+very detached appearance and he spoke
+gently, without malice.</p>
+
+<p>"I have an aunt," he said, "by self-election,
+a most worthy woman, who
+was my mother's cousin. It came to
+her ears that I had become a teetotaler
+for the duration of the war. It
+appears that there is a badge for temporary
+teetotalers. She brought me
+one. She begged me with tears in her
+eyes to wear it. I remonstrated. I
+pointed out that if every public and
+private virtue is to be symbolised in this
+fashion, people with few vices and a
+willing heart would soon be perpetually
+in fancy-dress."</p>
+
+<p>"And what happened?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I wavered for a time and then
+happily I found a way out. A few days
+ago it occurred to me that there must
+be other means, as yet untried, of advertising
+one's patriotism. I saw a notice
+in a restaurant I sometimes go to, 'No
+Germans or Austrians Employed Here.'
+'Happy proprietor,' I said, 'who can
+so trumpet his honesty without increasing
+either his badges or his armlets!'
+The fact is that it set me thinking.
+Eventually I hit on a plan. It was
+very disappointing to my aunt, but it
+answers wonderfully."</p>
+
+<p>"May I ask?" I said; "it might be
+useful."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, certainly, certainly. We have
+bought a little enamelled plate and had
+it fixed to our gate. You may have
+noticed it. It has the words, 'No
+Bottles.'"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE MASCOT.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/047.png"><img width="100%" src="images/047.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Adoring Damsel.</i> "<span class="sc">And you <i>will</i> wear it always, <i>won't you</i></span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Popular young Sub.</i> "<span class="sc">Thanks awfully. It's frightfully decent of you, and
+all that, but&mdash;er&mdash;you see, there's a lot of other little chaps waitin' to do
+their bit; I'm afraid he'll have to take his turn with the rest</span>." </p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span>
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">My dear Charles</span>,&mdash;You didn't catch
+sight of any mention of me in despatches,
+did you? I have been rather too busy
+myself to read the list properly, but I
+did just have time to cast a casual eye
+over the "H's," and I didn't notice the
+name of "Henry" standing out in
+heavy-leaded capitals. It must be an inadvertence,
+of course. They must have
+said something about me, as, for instance:
+"Especially to be remarked is
+the noble altruism of Lieut. Henry,
+who on more than one march has been
+observed to take his pack, containing
+all his worldly goods, off his back and
+to hand it without ostentation to some
+lucky driver of a limber, saying, 'Take
+it, my lad; your need is greater than
+mine.'" Or again, referring to my
+later career: "The pen is mightier
+than the sword, but Lieut. Henry's indelible
+pencil, when engaged on official
+correspondence, is mightier than both."
+Or at least, at the very beginning of
+things, I'm quite sure the Mentioner
+devoted a passing phrase to me: "By
+the way, I have just received a consignment
+described on the Movement Order
+as 'Officer, one, Henry, Lieut.' Speaking
+frankly as between ourselves, what is
+it exactly? In any case I would gladly
+exchange for a dozen tins of bully beef."</p>
+
+<p>Talking of despatches, I see that our
+old friend the Regimental Anarchist has
+not escaped notice. I never thought
+he would, for a less unnoticeable man I
+don't remember meeting. He is one of
+those big untidy fellows, very nice for
+purposes of war and all that, whom not
+the cleverest adjutant could manage to
+conceal on a ceremonial parade. His
+service equipment alone was notorious
+in the division. While we were still in
+England he and I used to share a
+billet. Every night the last thing I
+saw before going to sleep was the
+Anarchist trying on a new piece of
+personal furniture. He had at least a
+hundred aunts, and each of them had
+at least a hundred bright ideas; besides
+which few days went by but he paid a
+generous visit to the military outfitter.
+Never in my life shall I forget the
+sight of him during our last moments
+at home. While others were stuffing
+into themselves the last good meal
+they expected to taste for three years or
+the duration, he was putting on patent
+waterproof after patent waterproof. He
+stepped forth at last, sweating at every
+pore, and it wasn't raining at the time
+and didn't look like raining till next
+winter. The 38-lb. limit prevented his
+putting more than four coats into his
+valise, and his method of packing
+didn't economise space. If there had
+been any limit, however generous, to
+the amount of room an officer may
+occupy in the column of route we'd
+have had to go abroad without our
+Anarchist, and a much quieter and
+more respectable life we'd have had
+that way.</p>
+
+<p>Even in our earliest days in B.E.F.,
+when we were well behind the firing
+line, he started playing with fire.
+Thinking that we shared his low tastes
+he would gather us round him and
+lecture us on the black arts.&mdash;"This
+little fellow," he would say, fetching an
+infernal machine out of his pocket&mdash;"this
+little fellow is as safe as houses
+provided he has no detonator in his
+little head. But we will just make
+sure." A flutter of excitement would
+pass round the audience as he started
+unscrewing the top to make sure. "Of
+course," he'd continue, finding the
+screw a bit stiff and getting absorbed
+in his toy&mdash;"of course, if there <i>should</i>
+happen to be a detonator inside, you
+have only to tickle it and almost
+anything may happen." While he'd
+be struggling with the screw, the front
+row of the audience would be shifting
+its ground to give the back rows a
+better view. "You can't be too careful,"
+he'd say, passing it lightly from
+one hand to the other in order to search
+for his well-known clasp-knife, "for
+if you're not careful," he'd explain,
+tucking the bomb under his arm so
+as to have both hands free to open
+the knife&mdash;"if you're not careful,"
+he'd say, suddenly letting go the knife
+in order to catch the bomb as it slid
+from his precarious hold&mdash;"if you're
+not very careful" (getting to real business
+with the murderous blade), "very&mdash;very&mdash;careful...."
+But none of us
+were ever near enough by that time
+to hear what would happen if we
+weren't (or even if he wasn't).</p>
+
+<p>And then those strange nights in the
+trenches, when he and I used to be on
+duty together! I would be waiting in
+our luxurious, brightly-lit gin-palace of
+a dug-out for him to join me at our
+midnight lunch. He'd come in at last,
+clad in his fleece lining, the only survivor
+of his extensive collection of
+overcoats, its absence of collar giving
+him a peculiarly clerical look. He'd
+sit down to his cocoa, but hardly be
+started on the day before yesterday's
+newspaper (just arrived with the
+rations) before the private bombardment
+would begin. I would spring to
+attention; he would go on reading.
+"Hush!" I'd say. (Why "Hush!"
+I don't know.) "What's all that
+for?" "Me," he'd say, turning to
+the personal column. And then I'd
+know that, seizing the opportunity of
+being unobserved, he'd been out for
+nocturnal stroll with a handful of
+bombs, seeking a little innocent pleasure.
+The gentlemen opposite, not
+being cricketers themselves or knowing
+anything about the slow bowler, had,
+as usual, mistaken him for a trench
+mortar and were making a belated reply.</p>
+
+<p>Only his servant accompanied him
+on these jaunts. He was a nice quiet
+villain, whose lust for adventure had,
+I always imagine, been long ago satisfied
+by a dozen or so gentle burglaries
+in his civilian past. He didn't want
+to kill people; his job in life was to
+keep his master alive and well fed.
+So when the latter went out bombing
+he thought he might as well go out
+with him, and occupy himself picking
+turnips for to-morrow's stew.</p>
+
+<p>When the Anarchist wasn't distributing
+bombs he was collecting
+bullets. Being untidy by nature, he
+didn't particularly care where they hit
+him, provided they didn't damage his
+pipe. That was all he cared about, his
+lyddite and his tobacco. I often wonder
+how it was he didn't get the two habits
+of his life mixed up&mdash;fill a pipe with
+H.E., light it and finish off that way.
+But he didn't; he has just gone on
+collecting lead, letting it accumulate
+about his person until it got too heavy
+to be convenient and then resorting to
+the nearest hospital to have it removed.
+I hear he's there now, the result, I
+gather, of a bit of a show. It was his
+servant who was walking about that
+unhealthy field at that imprudent time
+and found him. One would like to
+paint a romantic picture of the meeting,
+but I doubt if there was much
+romance about it. I am quite sure all
+the Anarchist cared about was his
+tobacco pouch and all the servant was
+interested in was the further collection
+of vegetables, just in case.</p>
+
+<p>I can see our Anarchist, lying in his
+little white bed in the hospital, surrounded
+by his sevenpenny racing
+novels (with or without covers), his
+tins of navy-cut (some empty, some
+full), his fleece lining, his compass,
+his socks, his field-glasses, his ties,
+his revolver and his last month's
+letters (some opened, some not), all
+jumbled happily together, with his
+ragged old shaving-brush reigning
+proudly in the midst. I doubt if he
+knows he's been "mentioned," for one
+could never get him to take interest in
+any news which wasn't "sporting";
+possibly he is made suspicious by the
+uncomfortable presence of unopened
+telegrams in all corners of his bed.
+But one thing I do hope, and that is
+that this bed is, at any rate, not
+strewn, inside and out, with unexploded
+hand-grenades.</p>
+
+<p>Yours ever, <span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span>
+
+<h3>WARFARE AT THE BARBER'S.</h3>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;">
+  <a href="images/049a.png"><img width="300" src="images/049a.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p>"<span class="sc">What do you think of the paper this morning, Sir</span>?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="figright" style="width:45%;">
+  <a href="images/049b.png"><img width="300" src="images/049b.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p>"<span class="sc">Quite time we had compulsion, eh</span>?"</p>
+</div>
+<p>....................</p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;">
+  <a href="images/049c.png"><img width="300" src="images/049c.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">"No good shutting our eyes to facts."</span></p>
+</div>
+<div class="figright" style="width:45%;">
+  <a href="images/049d.png"><img width="300" src="images/049d.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">"What we want is more energy."</span></p>
+</div>
+<p>....................</p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;">
+  <a href="images/049e.png"><img width="300" src="images/049e.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">"Of course mistakes will happen"&mdash;</span></p>
+</div>
+<div class="figright" style="width:45%;">
+  <a href="images/049f.png"><img width="300" src="images/049f.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">"And it's no good pouring cold water on enthusiasm."</span></p>
+</div>
+<p>....................</p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width:45%;">
+  <a href="images/049g.png"><img width="300" src="images/049g.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">"I'm hoping for that 'forward push' in the Spring."</span></p>
+</div>
+<div class="figright" style="width:45%;">
+  <a href="images/049h.png"><img width="300" src="images/049h.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">"Well, it will be a great relief when it's all over."</span></p>
+</div>
+<p>....................</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/050.png"><img width="100%" src="images/050.png" alt=""/></a><p>PRUSSIAN DREAM OF PEACE IN THE SPRING.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PROVINCIAL PATRIOTS.</h2>
+
+<p><i>From Jim Figgis, Whitty Bridge, to
+George Roberts, South Farm, Sudborough.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dec. 5th.</i> 1915.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear George</span>,&mdash;I hear the remount
+officer is coming round your part. I
+have a compact little bay horse, just
+the sort for the Army. We must all
+do our bit now, so here's our chance.
+The Vet says the horse has laminitis in
+his off fore foot, but it's all my eye.
+Anyhow he's the useful sort they require
+for the Army. They wouldn't
+look at me if I offered him, but you
+can get round them. Give me fifty
+quid and I'll send him over.</p>
+
+<p>Your friend, <span class="sc">J. Figgis</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>From George Roberts to Jim Figgis.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dec. 7th,</i> 1915.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Jim</span>,&mdash;Yours to hand. No one
+can say that you're not a good patriot,
+and I won't be No. 2. But fifty quid
+for that little horse&mdash;not me. Say
+thirty and he's mine, sound or unsound.</p>
+
+<p>Yours, <span class="sc">G. Roberts</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>George Roberts to the Hon. Mordaunt
+Fopstone, White Lion Hotel, Sudborough.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dec. 10th,</i> 1915.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;Hearing you are looking
+out for horses for the Army I write to
+say I have one or two which I shall be
+pleased to place at your disposal and
+at a very reasonable price, as in these
+times we must all give up something
+for the country. I shall be pleased to
+see you at any time convenient, except
+Tuesday, when I have to be at our local
+Agricultural Show.</p>
+
+<p>Yours to command,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">G. Roberts</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone to
+George Roberts.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dec. 11th,</i> 1915.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;Thank you for your
+letter. It is very satisfactory to find
+local people of your position anxious
+to help. I will call at your farm on
+Friday next and see the horses you
+refer to. With thanks,</p>
+
+<p>Yours  truly, <span class="sc"> M. Fopstone</span>.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;I have been warned against a
+man named Figgis. Do you know
+him?</p>
+
+
+<p><i>From George Roberts to the
+Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dec. 13th,</i> 1915.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;Friday will suit me very
+well for your call, at any time you
+please. You are quite right to avoid
+Figgis; he is one of the small horse-dealing
+class who are a discredit to our
+country districts. Any further information
+is at your service.</p>
+
+<p>Yours to command, <span class="sc">G. Roberts</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone
+to George Roberts.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dec. 21st</i>, 1915.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Roberts</span>,&mdash;I have now
+pleasure in enclosing cheque for &pound;65
+for bay horse. As stated to you when
+I called at South Farm, I was not in
+a position to go beyond &pound;60 without
+further authorisation; this I have
+now obtained. Thanking you for the
+patriotic spirit you have shown in this
+little business,</p>
+
+<p>Yours truly, <span class="sc">M. Fopstone</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>From the Adjutant, Royal Beetshire
+Hussars, Tickful Camp, to Messrs.
+Davison Bros., The Mart, Southtown.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Jan. 1st,</i> 1916.</p>
+
+<p>Please enter bay gelding, aged, sent
+herewith, in your next sale without
+reserve, as he is not sound and of no
+use to Army.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Memo. from Davison Bros. to Adjutant.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Jan. 17th</i>, 1916.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;Herewith please find
+cheque &pound;5 4<i>s.</i> 3<i>d.</i> for bay gelding,
+being amount realised for same, less
+our commission and expenses.</p>
+
+<p>Yours faithfully, <span class="sc">Davison Bros</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Times</i> heads an article, "Unity
+in the Air." It deals, however, with
+the new Anglo-French Aviation Conference
+and has nothing to do with the
+latest <i>Peter Pan</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span>
+
+<h3>GALLIPOLI-AND AFTER?</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/051.png"><img width="100%" src="images/051.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Sultan</span>. "CONGRATULATE ME, WILLIAM. NO ENGLISH REMAIN. I'VE DRIVEN THEM
+ALL INTO THE SEA!"</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Kaiser</span>. "VERY CARELESS OF YOU.  <i>WHY, THAT'S THEIR ELEMENT!</i>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/053.png"><img width="100%" src="images/053.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>The <span class="sc">Speaker</span></i> (<i>lapsing for the first time from Parliamentary etiquette at the sight of Sir <span class="sc">George Reid</span> ready to take his seat in the
+House</i>). "<span class="sc"><i>Advance, Australia</i></span>!"</p></div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, January
+10th</i>.&mdash;In spite of sharp rebuke
+administered by <span class="sc">Speaker</span> last week the
+<span class="sc">Pertinacious Pringle</span> to the fore again&mdash;to
+be precise, to the <i>Forward</i>. This
+the name of weekly paper that is published
+in Clyde district, and has of late
+emerged from obscurity by "deliberately
+inciting workers," as <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>
+said, "not to carry out Act of Parliament
+passed in order to promote the output
+of munitions." On motion for adjournment
+<span class="sc">Pringle</span> perceived opportunity
+of attacking <span class="sc">Minister of Munitions</span>.
+Accused him of suppressing the sheet
+because it had reported proceedings at
+meetings attended by him in Glasgow,
+at which his speech was interrupted by
+noisy minority. This course of procedure
+imitated by <span class="sc">Pringle</span> when
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, replying, quoted passages
+in the paper making violent attack
+on the <span class="sc">King</span> and systematic attempts
+to stem flood of recruiting.</p>
+
+<p>"These things," said the <span class="sc">Minister</span>, in
+passage loudly cheered, "meant life or
+death to our men in the field. They are
+not suitable matters for Parliamentary
+sport. We are dealing in tragedies. I
+am doing my best to save the men at
+the Front. I am entitled to be helped,
+not to be harried."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Outhwaite</span>, coming to assistance of
+<span class="sc">Pringle</span>, otherwise prangling all forlorn,
+jumped upon by Captain <span class="sc">Campbell</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"If I had the Hon. Member in my
+battalion at the Front," he said, "he
+would be strung up by the thumbs before
+he had been there half-an-hour."</p>
+
+<p>This scarcely Parliamentary; but it
+passed the Chair, leaving the gallant
+Captain, who modestly wears well-won
+ribbon of D.S.O., time to adjure the
+House to "get on with the War."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In House barely half
+full Motion carried calling upon Government
+to enter into consultation with
+the Overseas Dominions in order to
+bring economic strength of Empire into
+co-operation with our Allies in a policy
+directed against the enemy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Said with truth that a
+speech in the House of Commons,
+however forcible and eloquent, rarely
+influences a vote. Some orators, however,
+have gift of stirring the soul
+to emotions that carry a man to actions
+beyond range of conventionality. Such
+an one is the Right Hon. <span class="sc">Thomas
+Lough</span>, commonly and affectionately
+known through several Parliaments as
+"Tommy." One of small faction of
+Liberals who have not withdrawn
+opposition to Military Service Bill.
+Declaiming against it just now on
+motion for Second Reading, he described
+it as a sham.</p>
+
+<p>"It is not true," he said, "that young
+unmarried men have held back. On
+the contrary they have come forward
+nobly and in great numbers."</p>
+
+<p>Vindication of a maligned class so
+affected somebody seated in the Strangers'
+Gallery that he loudly clapped his
+hands. This a decided breach of
+order. The Assyrians (in form of
+Gallery attendants) came down upon
+him like a wolf on the fold. Ordered
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span>
+him to withdraw. He explained that
+he was so entirely at one with argument
+of the Hon. Member for West
+Islington that he preferred to remain
+to listen to continuance of his speech.
+Assyrians insistent on his immediate
+departure. Martial spirit of young
+unmarried man roused. Refused to
+budge. Whereupon the Assyrians,
+lifting him out of the seat, carried him
+forth <i>vi et armis</i>&mdash;free translation, by
+legs and arms.</p>
+
+<p>From his seat below the Gangway
+Mr. <span class="sc">Flavin</span> watched procedure with
+wistful eyes. Remembered how towards
+break of day dawning on an all-night
+sitting held towards the close of
+last century he also was carried forth
+shoulder high, not by officers of the
+House in nice white shirt fronts, with
+glittering badges hung round their necks,
+but by the common or street policeman
+helmeted and belted. As he journeyed
+he sang, "God save Ireland," his compatriots,
+more or less attuned, joining
+in the chorus.</p>
+
+<p>Recognition of historical incident
+sharply marks contrast in attitude of
+Irish Members then and now. Still
+fighting for Home Rule they stopped
+short of no outrage upon order, systematically
+and successfully obstructing
+public business. Military Service Bill
+offers enticing opportunities for exercise
+of old tactics. They might, if they
+pleased, keep House sitting for weeks
+fighting Bill in Committee line by line,
+word by word, as was their custom of
+an afternoon, and half-way through the
+night, in days of old. Other times
+other manners. Interposing early in
+debate <span class="sc">John Redmond</span> announced that
+his party, having made their protest
+against Bill in Division Lobby on
+First Reading, would withdraw from
+further opposition.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done</i>&mdash;Second Reading of
+Military Service Bill moved.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Sir <span class="sc">George Reid</span>, having
+completed term of service as High
+Commissioner of Australia, took his
+seat as Member for St. George's, Hanover
+Square. Carefully dismounting at
+Bar from his native steed he was introduced
+by <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, Unionist Colonial
+Secretary, and <span class="sc">Harcourt</span>, Colonial
+Secretary in late Liberal Government.
+This concatenation of circumstance,
+testifying to universal esteem and exceptional
+personal popularity, unique
+in Parliamentary records.</p>
+
+<p>New-comer will serve in double
+capacity. Nominally Member for St.
+George's, he will also be Member for
+Australia, an innovation that will probably
+have wider scope and formal
+recognition when the Overseas Dominions
+have completed their splendid
+work of helping the Mother Country
+to bring the War to triumphant conclusion.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">George Reid's</span> career on a new stage
+will be watched with keen interest in
+his two antipodal homes. Since, six
+years ago, he came to London, he has
+acquired the reputation of being one of
+the best after-dinner speakers of the
+day. How will the qualities that ensure
+success in that direction serve him at
+Westminster? <span class="sc">Macaulay</span> truly said,
+"The House of Commons is the most
+peculiar audience in the world. A place
+in which I would not promise success
+to any man."</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">Member for Sark</span> puts his
+money (or such portion as is left
+after paying War taxes) on the Member
+for St. George's, Hanover Square-<i>cum</i>-Australia.</p>
+
+<p>Debate on Second Reading of Military
+Service Bill resumed. Best thing
+said during two days' talk was an incidental
+remark of <span class="sc">Birrell's</span>. Relating
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span>
+history of Bill in Cabinet he said he
+had felt it his duty to say something
+about Ireland.</p>
+
+<p>"What I said," he added, "is of
+course known only to those of my
+colleagues who were sitting round the
+table and to such representatives of the
+London Press as were sitting underneath
+it."</p>
+
+<p>This hint explains mystery clouding
+the fact that whilst the secrets of Cabinet
+Councils are held to be inviolable
+there are morning papers able habitually
+to give detailed information of what
+passes behind the locked and barred
+doors.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second Reading of
+Military Service Bill carried by 431
+votes against 39.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;After advancing three
+minor Government Bills a stage, House
+adjourned at 5.30.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/055.png"><img width="100%" src="images/055.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Guest</i> (<i>who has been asked to a theatre dinner-party</i>). "<span class="sc">I say, I thought&mdash;</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Host.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, don't bother about your clothes, old chap. People will only think you're a bit old-fashioned</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Official Style.</h3>
+
+<p>Extract from an Indian Service
+register:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Service Order 41 of 1914, dated 16-10-14.
+He was appointed acting Forest Guard and
+posted to Surumoni beat, in place of Chowdri
+Zaicko, Forest Guard, who was devoured by a
+tiger with effect from the forenoon of 16th
+Oct. 1914."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT.</h2>
+
+<p>Here where the world is quiet except
+for the noise of the rain trickling into
+one's valise through the nooks and
+crannies of one's rustic apartment&mdash;here
+where there is no peril from above and
+no peril from in front, neither peril of
+enfilade, here too&mdash;it is a Base I am
+doing this sentence about&mdash;we have
+our problems.</p>
+
+<p>To begin with there is the glorious
+uncertainty of things. Some men are
+here to-day and the far side of Wipers
+to-morrow night. Others arrive from
+England thirsting for all sorts of things
+that no sane man ever wants to have anything
+to do with, and are kept doing a
+bomb course and a machine-gun course
+on alternate days for eight months.
+There is a tale told of one such who,
+when he was finally sent to the trenches,
+was returned as hopeless after three
+days because he would do nothing
+except sit beside a machine gun trying
+to fill the belt with grenades. There is
+no sadder story in the War.</p>
+
+<p>Now if I knew for certain that I was
+going to be here eight months I could
+marry and settle down. Or if I knew
+for certain I was for Wipers to-morrow
+night I could make a new will&mdash;not
+that there's anything the matter with
+the old one, but I met a man on leave
+who put me up to some good tips in
+will-making&mdash;and settle up. But as it
+is part of our military system for junior
+officers not to know anything I dare
+not even have my letters forwarded.</p>
+
+<p>Anyhow, Bases are not what they
+were in my young days. Of course there
+were always parades; but you obviously
+couldn't parade while you were
+busy over some Alternative Necessary
+Duty. Alternative Necessary Duties
+were always my strongest suit. On
+the evening of my arrival in camp I
+would summon the Band Sergeant and
+provide him with my programme of
+work. On Monday he would please
+arrange for a criminal in my detail.
+On Tuesday I would use my influence
+in the matter of obtaining clothing for
+my detail. This would be a very
+laborious task, involving three signatures
+in ink or indelible pencil; but no
+matter, to a good officer the comfort of
+his men comes before everything. On
+Wednesday I would pay my men.
+Rotten job, paying out, but ensures
+Generous Glow, and no expense unless
+you lose the Acquittance Roll. On
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span>
+Thursday I would read Standing Orders
+to the latest arrived draft; maybe they
+had had this done to them once already,
+but one cannot be too particular. A
+private I know of who had only had
+Standing Orders read to him once got
+into awful trouble through carelessly
+kicking a recalcitrant corporal on the
+head. That just shows you. On Friday&mdash;but
+I weary you, if that be
+possible. Suffice it that the Base
+went very well then.</p>
+
+<p>The trouble began, as usual, high
+up. The G.O. Commanding something
+most frightfully important inspected
+one of our parades one morning and
+found 7,528 other ranks under one
+Second-Lieutenant. All might have
+been well if the Second-Lieutenant had
+not forgotten to fire the correct salute
+of fourteen bombs (or whatever was the
+correct salute). The G.O.C. investigated.
+He searched the woods and
+delved in the instructional trenches,
+but never another officer came to light.
+So he went home and, after a bad
+lunch&mdash;we surmise&mdash;set himself to
+abolish Alternative Necessary Duties
+in a formal edict. No officer is to
+absent himself from a parade except
+by the express orders of an O.C. Base
+Dep&ocirc;t.</p>
+
+<p>This happened several days ago, and
+the ruling is probably obsolete by now,
+but I am wondering how I shall break
+the news to the G.O.C. if I should
+happen to meet him on one of my
+morning walks into town; and in my
+heart of heart I know that one fine
+morning I shall be cowardly, and wake
+before nine, and attend my first parade
+at army Base. Some zealous despatch
+rider will dash hot-foot to the G.O.C.
+with the news, and he will come and
+rub his hands and chuckle and gloat.
+It will be a Black Day.</p>
+
+<p>Here too there are minor points of
+etiquette that vex one. Is it correct
+for me, having bought half a kilo of
+chocolates while waiting for a train, to
+kill further time by eating them out of
+a paper bag under the surveillance of
+an A.S.C. sergeant? or ought I to offer
+a few to the sergeant with some <i>jeu
+d'esprit</i>&mdash;never coarse and never cruel&mdash;about
+bully beef? Of such are the
+complexities with which a Base harasses
+the soul of an officer nurtured in the
+genial simplicity of trench life.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From an account of the Peace demonstration
+in Berlin:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The people simply turned up themselves,
+and everyone was highly turned up themselves,
+and everyone was highly pleased with
+the result."&mdash;<i>Egyptian Mail.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It seems to have been a complete
+revolution.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LITERARY LISPINGS.</h2>
+
+<p>The "motive" of Mrs. Pumfrey Lord's
+new novel is Christian Science, and
+the hero, the Duke of Southminster, is
+understood to be a composite portrait of
+Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>.
+The character of the evil genius of the
+plot, Lord Rufus Doldrum, is partly
+modelled on <span class="sc">Alcibiades</span>, but in its main
+lines is reminiscent of Mrs. <span class="sc">Eddy</span>
+and Major <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span>. On
+the other hand the eccentric Lord
+Wymondham, who creates a sensation
+by appearing at a Cabinet meeting in
+accordion-pleated pyjamas, is understood
+to be an entirely imaginary personage.
+The novel, which has been
+running in <i>Wanamaker's Weekly</i>, will
+shortly be published by the Strongmans.</p>
+
+
+<h3>A Poet who Counts.</h3>
+
+<p>Mr. Ouseley Pampfield, who has
+been recuperating at Buxton after
+spraining his ankle while getting out
+of his magnificent motor, is now seeing
+his new volume of poems through the
+press. Under the arresting title of
+<i>The Soul of a Passivist</i> they will
+shortly be published by the firm of
+Coddler and Slack.</p>
+
+<h3>The Jimmisons Again.</h3>
+
+<p>The Long Lanes will shortly publish
+a new "Jimmison" novel, The <i>Factota</i>.
+The heroine is a young lady enamoured
+of the doctrine of the economic independence
+of women. She enters a
+Draper's Emporium in Manchester
+and works her way up to the post of
+manager, but heads a strike of the
+work-girls. The claims of romance,
+however, are not overlooked, for in the
+long run <i>Retta Carboy</i>&mdash;for that is her
+charming name&mdash;wins the hand and
+heart of the junior partner's chauffeur,
+who turns out to be son of the Earl
+of Ancoats. The scene in which the
+Rolls-Royce, frightened by the sight
+of some Highland cattle, executes a
+cross-cut counter-rocking skid, is one
+of the finest things the Jimmisons have
+ever done.</p>
+
+
+<h3>Armageddon in the Making.</h3>
+
+<p>Governesses, so long the butt of unkindly
+satire, have at last come by
+their own. Miss Bertha Bowlong, who
+was governess to the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> in the
+late "sixties," is shortly about to
+publish her reminiscences of her now
+all-too-notorious pupil. Strange to say
+it never occurred to her to set them
+down till quite recently, nearly fifty
+years after the event. The book, which
+is now announced by the Talboys, is
+rich in illuminating anecdotes of the
+future <span class="sc">War Lord</span>, as well as vivid
+portraits of <span class="sc">Moltke, Bismarck, Treitschke,
+M&uuml;nchhausen</span>, Eulenspiegel,
+Dudelsack and other luminaries of
+the Prussian capital.</p>
+
+
+<h3>The Charm of Cannibalism.</h3>
+
+<p>Miss Ermyntrude Stuggy (Mrs. Raymond
+Blott), whose extraordinary novel,
+<i>The Lurid Lady</i>, was described by
+Father <span class="sc">Bernard Vaughan</span> as the
+most "precipitous" book he had ever
+preached on, has returned to England
+after two years' residence among the
+cannibals of the Solomon Islands.
+Hence the title of her forthcoming
+volume, <i>The Adorable Anthropophagi</i>,
+which is already announced by Messrs.
+Hybrow and Garbidge. The contents
+explain why Mr. Blott has heroically
+preferred to remain with the cannibals.</p>
+
+
+<h3>Major Finch's Great Discovery.</h3>
+
+<p>Major Hector Finch, the famous
+Nationalist M.P., philosopher, psychologist
+and scholar, has made a remarkable
+literary discovery. It is that
+<i>Johnson's Dictionary</i> is not, as is
+generally supposed, the work of <span class="sc">Ben
+Jonson</span>, but of <span class="sc">Samuel Johnson</span>, the
+son of a Lichfield bookseller. This
+epoch-making revelation, briefly and
+modestly outlined in a letter to <i>The
+Daily Chronicle</i>, will be set forth in
+detail in a massive volume of 1,000
+pages, with a portrait of the author, to
+be issued shortly by the House of
+Swallow and Gull.</p>
+
+
+<h3>Odds and Ends.</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Vegetarians</i>, a novel with a
+strong dietetic interest by Janet Melinda
+Didham, is announced by the firm of
+Gherkin Mark.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Molly Monologues</i> is the alluring
+title of a volume of sketches by
+Richard Turpin, shortly appearing with
+Pincher and Steel.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Loofah Windsor, who wrote
+<i>The Washpot</i>, a successful story of last
+summer, has just finished a new one of
+a humorous type, called <i>What&mdash;no
+Soap</i>? which the Dinwiddies will
+publish in a month or two.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A few lucky corps actually had geese to
+pave the way for the Christmas pudding;
+they were quartered in some place where a
+whip round among the officers and a ride to
+the nearest town or village secured enough
+geese to feed a battalion."</p>
+
+<p><i>Jersey Morning News</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Somehow we feel that this might have
+been more tactfully expressed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. Dillon harangued the House for three-quarters
+of an hour on militarism, <i>The Daily
+Mail</i>, Suvla BaBy, and sundry other topics."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Mail</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>An extended report of his remarks on
+this interesting infant would have been
+welcome.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span>
+
+<h2>ON THE CARDS.</h2>
+
+<p>To many people wholly free from
+superstition, except that, after spilling
+the salt, they are careful to throw a
+little over the left shoulder, and do not
+go out of their way to walk under
+ladders, and are not improved in appetite
+by sitting thirteen at table, and
+much prefer that may should not be
+brought into the house&mdash;to these
+people, otherwise so free from superstition,
+it would perhaps be surprising to
+know what great numbers of their
+fellow-creatures resort daily to such
+black arts as fortune-telling by the
+cards.</p>
+
+<p>Yet quite respectable, God-fearing,
+church-going old ladies, and probably
+old gentlemen too, treasure this practice,
+to say nothing of younger and therefore
+naturally more frivolous folk; and
+many make the consultation of the
+two and fifty oracles a morning habit.</p>
+
+<p>And particularly women. Those well-thumbed
+packs of cards that we know
+so well are not wholly dedicated to
+"Patience," I can assure you.</p>
+
+<p>All want to be told the same thing:
+what the day will bring forth. But
+each searcher into the dim and dangerous
+future has, of course, individual
+methods&mdash;some shuffling seven times
+and some ten, and so forth, and all
+intent upon placating the elfish goddess,
+Caprice. There is little Miss
+Banks, for example, but I must tell
+you about her.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing would induce little Miss
+Banks to leave the house in the morning
+without seeing what the cards promised
+her, and so open and impressionable
+are her mind and heart that she is still
+interested in the colour of the romantic
+fellow whom the day, if kind, is to fling
+across her path. The cards, as you
+know, are great on colours, all men
+being divided into three groups: dark
+(which has the preference), fair, and
+middling. Similarly for you, if you can
+get little Miss Banks to read your fate
+(but you must of course shuffle the
+pack yourself) there are but three kinds
+of charmers: dark (again the most
+fascinating and to be desired), fair, and
+middling.</p>
+
+<p>It is great fun to watch little Miss
+Banks at her necromancy. She takes
+it so earnestly, literally wrenching the
+future's secrets from their lair.</p>
+
+<p>"A letter is coming to you from some
+one," she says. "An important letter."</p>
+
+<p>And again, "I see a voyage over
+water."</p>
+
+<p>Or very seriously, "There's a death."</p>
+
+<p>You gasp.</p>
+
+<p>"No, it's not yours. A fair woman's."</p>
+
+<p>You laugh. "Only a fair woman's!"
+you say. "Go on."</p>
+
+<p>But the cards have not only ambiguities,
+but strange reticences.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," little Miss Banks will say, her
+eyes large with excitement, "there's a
+payment of money and a dark man."</p>
+
+<p>"Good," you say.</p>
+
+<p>"But I can't tell," she goes on,
+"whether you pay it to him or he pays
+it to you."</p>
+
+<p>"That's a nice state of things,"
+you say, becoming indignant. "Surely
+you can tell."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I can't."</p>
+
+<p>You begin to go over your dark
+acquaintances who might owe you
+money, and can think of none.</p>
+
+<p>You then think of your dark acquaintances
+to whom you owe money, and
+are horrified at their number.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well," you say, "the whole
+thing's rubbish, anyway."</p>
+
+<p>Little Miss Banks's eyes dilate with
+pained astonishment. "Rubbish!"&mdash;and
+she begins to shuffle again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/057.png"><img width="100%" src="images/057.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>dictating letter to be sent to his
+wife</i>). "<span class="sc">The nurses here are a very plain lot</span>&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Nurse.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> "<span class="sc">Never mind, Nurse, put it down. It'll please her</span>!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From "Notes for the Use of New
+Chaplains," by an Indian Archdeacon:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"I have only given advice on matters where,
+to my own knowledge, an ignorance of procedure
+has led to adverse criticism with regard
+to breeches of etiquette."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Somebody seems to have been making
+fun of the venerable gentleman's continuations.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span>
+
+<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2>
+
+<h3>No. XXXIII.</h3>
+
+<p>(<i>From <span class="sc">Theodore Roosevelt</span>, U.S.A.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>It's bully to live in a country where you can say what
+you like about the bosses, and that, Sir, is what I've been
+doing and mean to go on doing to you. There's no
+manner of question about it, you're the biggest boss and
+the most dangerous that we in this country have ever come
+up against, and if our Government had only got a right
+idea of its bounden duty we should have protested against
+your conduct, yes, and backed our protest by our deeds
+long before this; but the fact is there's too much milk and
+water in the blood of some of our big fellows. They whine
+when they ought to be up and denouncing, and they crouch
+and crawl instead of standing upright like free and fearless
+men, and giving the devil's agent the straightest eye-puncher
+of which the human arm is capable. I thank Heaven, Sir,
+that I'm not made on that plan. I'm out to fight humbug
+and hypocrisy, even when they masquerade as friendship
+and benevolence; and when I see a fellow coming along
+with hundreds of pious texts in his mouth, and his hands
+dripping with the blood of innocent women and children,
+why, I've got to say what I think of him or die. For my
+own part&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk,</p>
+<p>Nor lard with Scripture my familiar talk;</p>
+<p>For man may pious texts repeat</p>
+<p>And yet religion have no inward seat."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>A man called <span class="sc">Hood</span> wrote that nearly eighty years ago, but
+it's quite true still. I wonder what he would have written
+if he'd had the bad luck to know about you and your disgusting
+appeals to the Almighty, whom you treat as if He
+were always waiting round the corner to be decorated with
+the Iron Cross.</p>
+
+<p>Now mind, I don't want you to deceive yourself. If I
+dislike you and feel as if I'd sooner kick you than shake
+hands with you, it isn't because I'm a peace-at-any-price
+man. No man can say that about me without qualifying
+for a place within easy reach of <span class="sc">Ananias</span>; but when I
+decide to take part in a scrap&mdash;and there's few scraps
+going that I don't butt into sooner or later&mdash;I like to feel
+that I've got a bit of right on my side. But how can <i>you</i>
+feel that when you over-run Belgium and burn down
+Louvain&mdash;that's the place that made your heart bleed,
+bah!&mdash;and when you shoot down Belgian hostages and do
+to death an English nurse? All that never seems to strike
+you. You go on thinking of yourself as a holy humble
+man whom everybody wilfully mistakes for a bully and a
+tyrant. Well, you can't fool everybody all the time, you
+know, and in this case it happens that everybody has got
+some sound horse-sense in his head. Who wanted to hurt
+you? You'd put together a great army and your commercial
+prosperity was a pretty good business proposition.
+You'd got a navy and you'd got a very meek and submissive
+people, which didn't prevent them from being
+harsh and domineering and cruel so far as other peoples
+were concerned. If you wanted to have folk afraid of you
+there were plenty to humour you by pretending to tremble
+when you frowned and shook your head. But you weren't
+going to be satisfied. You must have a war so as to show
+what a great general you were, and you shoved on the old
+man <span class="sc">Francis Joseph</span> and kept urging him from behind
+until everyone got tired by the impossibility of making you
+come out fair and square on the side of peace.</p>
+
+<p>Well, you've got your war, and I hope you like it. This
+isn't one of your military promenades. This is hard, long
+fighting against men whose only wish was to be left alone.
+You've forced them to form a trust for the purpose of trust-busting,
+and in the end they'll wear you out and have you
+beaten to a frazzle in spite of all you can do. You've lost
+millions of men and millions of money, and you don't seem
+to get on with your final and decisive victory, and you're
+still the vainest and the loudest man on earth. Isn't it
+just about time you saw yourself as the rest of us see you,
+an irritable lime-light hero, whose favourite effort is to sink
+a <i>Lusitania</i> and pretend he had to do it because he didn't
+think she'd go down or because there were too many
+women and just enough children in the world? All I can
+say is that I've had more than enough of you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Theodore Roosevelt</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BEYOND THE LIMIT.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[The German General Staff declares that for air-warfare there
+are still lacking international laws of any kind.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When Peace lured the Powers to her House at the Hague</p>
+<p>With promises specious and welcome though vague</p>
+<p>Of a time when the terrors of war should lie hid</p>
+<p>And the leopard fall headlong in love with the kid,</p>
+<p>She drew up a set of Utopian rules</p>
+<p>For the guidance of all the best bellicose schools.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Among the more notable schemes that she planned</p>
+<p>She fashioned them bounds to their methods on land,</p>
+<p>Taught the whole of them, too, how humane they could be</p>
+<p>If a scrap should occur, as it might, on the sea&mdash;</p>
+<p>In a word, pruned the pinions of war everywhere</p>
+<p>Save the one place that war could fly into&mdash;the air.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But the Hun, he forswore what he vowed at her shrine,</p>
+<p>And behaved like a fiend on the soil and the brine;</p>
+<p>Then he turned to his Zepps, and remarked, "I can fly,</p>
+<p>And she never laid down any law for the sky;</p>
+<p>Here's a chance for some real dirty work to be done;"</p>
+<p>And he did it by simply out-Hunning the Hun.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>How to Save Your Teeth.</h3>
+
+<p>From the Soldiers and Sailors Dental Aid Fund (43,
+Leicester Square), which has done exceptional service during
+the War, comes the story of an old lady who applied for a
+set of teeth for her soldier grandson. When asked if he
+would know how to take care of them, she replied that
+she would give him the benefit of her own experience,
+having always made it a rule to remove her artificial teeth
+at meal times.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Two cuttings from one issue of <i>The Egyptian Mail</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"TREMENDOUS INCREASE IN RECRUITING.</p>
+
+<p>ANOTHER 1,000,000,000 MEN WANTED."</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Wanted</span> proof-reader for the Egyptian Mail."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It certainly does want one; but for the sake of the gaiety
+of nations we trust it won't get him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"With regard to the expeditionary force, the unexampled heroism
+and determination of our troops enabled them to establish a foothold
+on the tip of the peninsula, but photographs confirm the reports of
+eye-witnesses that they were literally holding on by their eyelids to
+the positions they had occupied."&mdash;<i>Sunday Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And the subsequent abandonment was performed like
+winking.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a draper's notice:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"On Friday and Saturday the shops will be open until the usual
+hours, although lights will not be visible outside. Customers are
+requested to open the doors to obtain admittance."</p>
+
+<p><i>Rugby Advertiser.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And not to climb through the windows, or come down the
+chimney, please.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>I forget just how long it is since Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett</span>
+united <i>Edwin Clayhanger</i> and <i>Hilda Lessways</i> in the
+bonds of matrimony. Time goes so fast these days that I
+met them again, and <i>Auntie Hamps</i>, and <i>Maggie</i>, and
+<i>Clara</i>, and the rest of the Three Towns company, as after
+an enormous interval. They themselves however have
+changed in nothing, except perhaps that the habit of
+introspection and their phenomenal capacity for self-astonishment
+have become more pronounced. "He thought,
+'I am I; this wife is my wife; and if I put one foot before
+the other I shall go inevitably forward.' And it seemed to
+him stupendous." I do not say that this is a quotation,
+but it represents a habit of mind that is in danger of
+growing, upon <i>Edwin</i> especially. He seems never able to
+share my own entire confidence in Mr. <span class="sc">Bennett's</span> efficiency
+as creator. Of course nothing very much happens in the
+course of <i>These Twain</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>). It is simply a study
+of conjugal existence in its effect upon character; briefly,
+how to be happy though married. In the end <i>Edwin</i>
+seems to hit upon a sort of solution with the discovery
+that injustice is a natural condition to be accepted rather
+than resented. So one leaves the two with some prospect,
+a little insecure, of happiness. Needless to say the study
+of both <i>Edwin</i> and <i>Hilda</i> is marvellously penetrating and
+minute, almost to the point of defeating its own end. I
+had, not for the first time with Mr. <span class="sc">Bennett's</span> characters,
+a feeling that I knew them too well to have complete belief
+in them. They become not portraits but anatomical
+diagrams. But for all that the accuracy of his observation
+is undeniable. One sees it in those minor personalities of
+the tale whom he is content to record from without.
+<i>Auntie Hamps</i>, for example, and Clara are two masterpieces
+of portraiture. You must read <i>These Twain</i>; but if possible
+take time over it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>American improvements are the wonder of the world.
+America seems to have the knack of taking hold of old
+stuff and turning it into something full of pep and punch.
+You remember a play called <i>Hamlet</i>? No? Well, there
+is a scene in it, rather an impressive scene, where a man
+chats with his father's ghost. Mr. <span class="sc">Robert W. Chambers</span>,
+America's brightest novelist, has taken much the same
+idea and put a bit of zip in it. In his latest work, <i>Athalie</i>
+(<span class="sc">Appleton</span>), the heroine, who is clairvoyant, sees the ghost
+of the hero's mother, who prevented the hero from marrying
+her, and cuts it. "A hot proud colour flared in her
+cheeks as she drew quietly aside and stood with averted
+head to let her pass." In all my researches in modern
+fiction I cannot recall a more dramatic and satisfying
+situation. It is, I believe, the first instance on record of a
+spectre being snubbed. <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> never thought of anything
+like that. As regards the other aspects of <i>Athalie</i>,
+the book, I cannot see what else a reviewer can say but
+that it is written by Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers</span>. The world is divided
+into those who read every line Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers</span> writes, irrespective
+of its merits, and those who would require to be
+handsomely paid before reading a paragraph by him. A
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span>
+million eager shop-girls, school-girls, chorus-girls, factory-girls
+and stenographers throughout America are probably
+devouring <i>Athalie</i> at this moment. My personal opinion
+that the book is a potboiler, turned out on a definite
+formula, like all of Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers'</span> recent work, to meet a
+definite demand, cannot deter a single one of them from
+sobbing over it. As for that section of the public which
+remembers <i>The King in Yellow</i> and <i>Cardigan</i>, it has long
+ago become resigned to Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers'</span> decision to take the
+cash and let the credit go, and has ceased to hope for a
+return on his part to the artistic work of his earlier period,
+when he wrote novels as opposed to Best Sellers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Let me heartily commend to you a book of stories by
+doughty penmen turned swordsmen for the period of the
+War&mdash;<span class="sc">A. E. W. Mason</span>, of the Manchester Regiment;
+<span class="sc">A. A. M.</span>, of the Royal Warwicks; <span class="sc">W. B. Maxwell</span>, Royal
+Fusilier; <span class="sc">Ian Hay</span>, A. and S. <span class="sc">Highlander</span>; <span class="sc">Compton Mackenzie</span>,
+R.N.; "<span class="sc">Q.</span>," of the
+Duke of Cornwall's L.I.;
+<span class="sc">Oliver Onions</span>, A.S.C.; <span class="sc">Barry
+Pain</span>, R.N.A.S.; and just short
+of a dozen others. Published
+by Messrs. <span class="sc">Hodder and
+Stoughton</span>, under title, <i>The
+Red Cross Story Book</i>, to be
+sold for the benefit of <i>The
+Times</i> Fund. It's the sort of
+book about which even the
+most conscientious reviewer
+feels he can honestly say
+nice things without any too
+thorough examination of the
+contents. With that thought I
+started turning over the pages
+casually, but found myself dipping
+deeper and deeper, until,
+becoming entirely absorbed, I
+abandoned all pretence of professional
+detachment and had
+a thoroughly good time. I
+should like to be able to state
+that the quality of these stories
+of humour, adventure and sentiment
+was uniform, if only for
+the sake of this appropriate word. But I can say that the
+best are excellent, the average is high, and the tenor so
+varied as to suit almost any age and taste.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/060.png"><img width="100%" src="images/060.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Severe mental collapse experienced by a journalist
+who attempted to write an article on the rat plague
+in the trenches without making any reference to "The
+Pied Piper of Hamelin</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">B. G. O'Rorke</span>, Chaplain to the Forces, has written
+a short account of his experiences in confinement&mdash;<i>In The
+Hands of the Enemy</i> (<span class="sc">Longmans</span>). Seeing that he was
+allowed, as a minister of religion, unique opportunities of
+meeting our officers (though not men of the ranks) shut up
+in different fortresses, and particularly because he has been
+thoughtful enough to mention many of them by name, his
+narrative is one which nobody with near friends now in
+Germany can afford to miss. The general reader, on the
+other hand, may have to confess to some disappointment,
+since the foggy shadow of the Censor, German or English,
+still looms over the pages here and there, blotting out the
+sensational episodes which we felt we had reason, if
+not right, to expect; and if their absence is really due to
+Mr. <span class="sc">O'Rorke's</span> steady refusal to indulge us by embellishing
+his almost too unvarnished recital the effect is just the same.
+Or perhaps the suggestion of flatness is to be ascribed to
+the enemy's failure on the whole to treat certain of his
+victims in any very extraordinary manner, and if so we
+can accept it and be thankful. There are lots of interesting
+passages all the same, such as the account of the specially
+favourable treatment of officers from Irish regiments,
+accorded in all Teutonic seriousness as preparatory to an
+invitation to serve in the ranks of Prussia; or the pathetic
+incident of the white-haired French priest sent to the cells
+for urging his congregation to pray <i>pour nos &acirc;mes</i>. Nowhere
+outside the Fatherland, I should imagine, would
+prisoners be forbidden to pray even <i>pour nos armes</i>, and
+the stupidity of the misunderstanding is typical enough.
+The cheerful dignity shown by prisoners under provocation
+makes a fine contrast to such pitiful smallness, and of that
+this little book is a notable record.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I suppose it would not be possible to travel in the Pacific
+without a fountain-pen and a note-book. At all events this
+seems a privation from which the staunchest of our literary
+adventurers have hitherto shrunk. Do not however regard
+this as anything more than a casual observation, certainly
+not as implying any complaint
+against so agreeable a volume
+as <i>Voyaging in Wild Seas</i>
+(<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>). There
+must be many among the
+countless admirers of Mr. <span class="sc">Jack
+London</span> who will be delighted
+to read this intimate journal
+of his travellings in remote
+waters, written by the wife
+who accompanied him, and
+who is herself, as she proves
+on many pages, one of the
+most enthusiastic of those admirers.
+You may say there is
+nothing very much in it all,
+but just some pleasant sea-prattle
+about interesting ports
+and persons, and a number of
+photographs rather more intimate
+than those that generally
+illustrate the published travel-book.
+But the general impression
+is jolly. Stevensonians
+will be especially curious over
+the visit to Samoa, concerning
+her first impressions of which
+Mrs. <span class="sc">London</span> writes: "As the <i>Snark</i> slid along, we began
+to exclaim at the magnificent condition of this German
+province&mdash;the leagues of copra plantation, extending from
+the shore up into the mountainous hinterland, thousands
+of close-crowded acres of heavy green palms." This was
+in May, 1908. Vailima was at that time the residence of
+the German Governor (a desecration since happily removed);
+but the <span class="sc">Londons</span> were able to explore the gardens
+and peep in at the rooms whose planning <span class="sc">Stevenson</span> had
+so enjoyed. Later of course they climbed to the lonely
+mountain grave of "the little great man"&mdash;a phrase oddly
+reminiscent of one in an unpublished letter of <span class="sc">Rupert Brooke</span>
+(about the same expedition) that I had just been reading.
+Mrs. <span class="sc">London</span> deserves our thanks for letting us share so
+interesting a holiday in these restricted days.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>IN MEMORY OF "MARTIN ROSS"</h3>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">Violet Martin</span>).</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>With <i>Flurry's</i> Hounds, and you our guide,</p>
+<p>We've learned to laugh until we cried;</p>
+<p>Dear <span class="sc">Martin Ross</span>, the coming years</p>
+<p>Find all our laughter lost in tears.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, JANUARY 19, 1916***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 22610-h.txt or 22610-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
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@@ -0,0 +1,2111 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 19, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 19, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 15, 2007  [eBook #22610]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, JANUARY 19, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22610-h.htm or 22610-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/1/22610/22610-h/22610-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/1/22610/22610-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+JANUARY 19, 1916.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+In a description of Lord KITCHENER'S home at Broome Park we read that on
+the way there one passes a kind of crater known by the rustics as "Old
+England's Hole." And a little farther on you come to the man who got Old
+England out of it.
+
+       ***
+
+A German professor advocates the appointment of State matrimonial
+agents. Elderly and experienced ladies and gentlemen should be employed
+to bring young people together, and "unostentatiously to give them
+practical counsel, conveying their remarks tactfully, and in such a way
+as not to awaken the spirit of contradiction found in youthful minds;"
+paying due regard, moreover, to theories of eugenics and heredity. The
+Winged Boy disguised as an antique German professor makes an attractive
+picture.
+
+       ***
+
+Some anxiety was caused in America by the news that the FORD Peace party
+was to meet in the Zoo at the Hague. But they have all emerged safely.
+
+       ***
+
+The Governor of South Carolina, who was one of the members of this
+heroic mission, left the Hague in a great hurry and returned to America
+before the rest of the delegates. Much curiosity is expressed as to what
+the Governor of North Carolina will have to say to him on this occasion.
+
+       ***
+
+In spite of the Government's official discouragement of any further rise
+in wages a demand for an increase of no less than 33-1/3 per cent, has
+been made by the "knockers-up" in the Manchester district. For going
+round in the chill hours of the morning and wakening the workers, these
+blood-suckers (chiefly old men and cripples) receive at present the
+princely remuneration of threepence per head per week; and they have now
+the effrontery to ask for fourpence.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Government has decided to raise the charge for telegrams.
+WOLFF'S Bureau has instructed its correspondents that in order to meet
+this new impost the percentage of truth in its despatches must be still
+further diminished.
+
+       ***
+
+Before the opening of the Luxemburg Parliament two members of the
+Opposition threw the chairs belonging to Ministers out of the window. It
+is feared that something of the kind may be attempted at Westminster,
+since several Members have been observed to cast longing eyes upon the
+Treasury Bench.
+
+       ***
+
+With a view to increasing the food-supply the German Government have
+extended the time for shooting hares from January 16th to February 1st,
+and for pheasants from February 1st to March 1st. The dachshund season,
+we understand, will be continued for the duration of the War.
+
+       ***
+
+Count KOSPOTH, a member of the Prussian Upper House, in the course of an
+energetic plea for economy, remarks that "at one's country-seat one can
+very well do without a motor-car, and even with two to four horses in
+stables instead of six or eight." This was read with great satisfaction
+by the Berlin _Hausfrau_ on a meatless day when the bread-card was
+exhausted.
+
+       ***
+
+The House of Commons was quite relieved when Sir GEORGE REID took his
+seat. There had been some fears that he would take two.
+
+       ***
+
+A young woman who mistook Vine-street police station for a tavern, and
+was fined ten shillings for drunkenness, is reported to have expressed
+the opinion that there is room for improvement in the nomenclature of
+our public edifices.
+
+       ***
+
+"My grave doubt," writes a Conscientious Objector regarding his fellows,
+"is whether there is any reasonable chance that most of them will be
+able to convince a tribunal that their conscientious objection is real."
+It may comfort him to know that his doubt is very widely shared.
+
+       ***
+
+"DEAR MR. PUNCH," writes a soldier at the Front who has been reading the
+Parliamentary reports,--"Do you think an officer out here who developed
+'conscientious objections' might get a week's leave?"
+
+       ***
+
+In the course of a debate in the Reichstag on the German Press Bureau it
+was revealed that the Censor had struck out quotations from GOETHE as
+being dangerous to the State. Our man who tinkered with KIPLING is
+wonderfully bucked by this intelligence.
+
+       ***
+
+Bread is the staff of life, and, in the view of certain officers in the
+trenches, whose opinions we cannot of course guarantee, the life of the
+Staff is one long loaf.
+
+       ***
+
+Extracted from the report of an enthusiastic company commander after a
+brisk action with some tribesmen on the Indian Frontier: "The men were
+behaving exactly as if on ceremonial parade. They laughed and talked the
+whole time...." We seem to recognise that parade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from letter from an Unconscientious Slacker.
+
+[Illustration: "DEAR LORD KITCHENER,--I am not a good walker, which
+prevents my joining the Infantry. As I have no experience of horses, the
+Cavalry is also out of the question. The Artillery I don't care for on
+account of the noise, and flying makes me giddy. The A.S.C. does not
+appeal to me, and the R.A.M.C. would entail some very unpleasant duties.
+
+"So you had better not worry about me. Perhaps when the fine weather
+comes I may think about the Navy. I am rather keen on boating...."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We have from the first declared that should the voluntary
+    system fail to supply the men needed to win the war and who
+    could be spared from civil war we would accept and support it."
+
+    _Manchester Guardian._
+
+Unfortunately, to judge by the proceedings at the Labour Conference, the
+claims of civil war are very heavy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+This paragraph from "Town Topics" in _The Liverpool Echo_--
+
+    "We know that many of our men--especially the single ones,
+    judging by the Derby figures--are sheltering behind skirts"--
+
+helps to explain this one:--
+
+    "Several lady tram-conductors in the city declare they are
+    denied the common courtesies far more by women passengers of the
+    female gender than by men."
+
+The insistence upon the sex of the uncivil females is necessary to
+distinguish them from the male civilians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "FURNISHED house (small) wanted in Edinburgh; with ballroom, h.
+    & c."--_Scotsman._
+
+Hot for the chaperons and cold for the dancers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE PRO-SHIRKERS.
+
+[Thirty-nine Members voted against the Second Reading of the
+Military Service Bill.]
+
+               You that in civilian lobbies,
+                    While the battle-thunder rolls,
+               Hug your little party hobbies,
+                  So to save your little souls,
+Treating England's deadly peril like a topic for the polls;
+
+               Half of you--the record's written--
+                  Lately strode to Downing Street
+               And for love of Little Britain
+                  Wallowed at the PREMIER's feet,
+Urging him to check the wanton waste of our superfluous Fleet.
+
+               Had your passionate prayer been granted
+                  And the KAISER got his way,
+               Teuton crushers might be planted
+                  On our hollow tums to-day,
+And a grateful foe be asking what you want for traitors' pay.
+
+               Disappointed with the Navy,
+                  You in turn were keen about
+               Putting Thomas in the gravy,
+                  Leaving Thomas up the spout,
+Lest if adequately aided he should wipe the strafers out.
+
+               Well, our memories may be rotten,
+                  Yet they'll stick to you all right;
+               Not so soon shall be forgotten
+                  Those whose hearts were fixed more tight
+On the salvage of a fetish than the winning of the fight.
+
+               When the Bosches bite the gutter
+                  And we let our tongues go loose,
+               Franker words I hope to utter
+                  In the way of free abuse,
+But at present I am badly hampered by the party truce.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHITTLING THEM DOWN.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I know you must be longing to have my analysis of the
+Derby figures. I hasten to comply, for I may say that I have never,
+since the War began, had finer scope for my individual talents. Never
+have I had--not even in the great Copper Controversy--a bunch of figures
+of which it may more truly be said that they are not what they seem,
+that there is more in them than meets the eye, and that they contain
+wheels within wheels. And first of all, Sir, I hope you will allow me to
+explain where I am in this matter; everybody's doing it; and you will
+then see at once the moral grandeur of my attitude. I am a convinced
+believer in the Voluntary System, always have been--on principle. But I
+am willing to sacrifice even that for victory. If it can be shown that
+by compulsion _one single man_ can be added to our forces who would not
+have volunteered (even if he had been scientifically bullied), I will be
+willing to adopt conscription. But, Sir, it cannot be shown.
+
+The crux of the situation admittedly lies with the figures of the Single
+Men. (In case of misapprehension I should make it clear that when I
+spoke above of "one single man" I did not mean one unmarried man, but
+one sole man). We have to begin our attack upon this figure of 651,160
+unstarred single men unaccounted for. It seems a good many. But wait a
+bit. We shall now proceed to concentrate a powerful succession of
+deductions. It only needs a fearless and patriotic ingenuity.
+
+Let us not disregard obvious facts. From this number
+we must subtract--
+
+(1) Ministers of religion   5 per cent.
+(2) Mercantile Marine       5 "
+(3) Medically unfit        40 "
+(4) Criminals               1-3/4 "
+(5) Badged                 10 "
+(6) Indispensables         10 "
+
+Total 71-3/4 per cent. You see we are already getting on. But before
+going any further we had better consolidate the ground already won by
+making certain additions, in case any one man has been counted twice.
+These are--
+
+(1) Ministers of religion who are also medically unfit.
+(2) Criminals in the mercantile marine.
+(3) Ministers of religion in the mercantile marine.
+(4) Criminals who are medically unfit.
+(5) Indispensable criminals.
+(6) Badged criminal ministers of religion.
+
+These categories taken together may be put at 7-1/4 per cent. of our
+71-3/4 per cent., and must be deducted from the deductions. There are
+also the blind, halt and maimed, deaf, dumb and inebriate, but I am
+willing to throw all of them in so as to be on the safe side.
+
+So far we have to deduct, then, some 66-1/2 per cent. from our total. We
+must do better than that if we are to get on the right side of
+negligibility. So now we come to examine the canvass. A good many men
+were not canvassed, or at least misunderstood the canvasser. I know of
+one man in my constituency (unstarred, unbadged, fit, single and of army
+age) who thought the fellow had come to collect for Foreign Missions, to
+which he has a conscientious objection.
+
+Along with these I propose to deduct the great class of what I shall
+call the Self-centred. These are they who not only were never canvassed,
+but didn't even so much as hear about it, who had probably given up
+newspapers as a war economy and were living quiet virtuous lives in
+out-of-the-way places. Add to them removals and conscientious objectors
+(_less_ allowance for conscientious removals) and we have a total not
+short of 27-1/2 per cent.
+
+Then again, as the supply of recruits becomes exhausted, it must always
+be remembered that we are dealing with a residuum. That is to say, those
+that remain are always growing more conscientious, more criminal, more
+unfit, more mercantile and so on. However, I count nothing for that, for
+I haven't much of my total left to dispose of, and I have still to deal
+with spoiled cards.
+
+Everyone who has assisted at a contested election knows very well that
+many mistakes occur. I propose to allow 3 per cent. for illegible cards
+which prevented the canvasser from tracking his prey, 4 per cent. for
+those who failed to find the recruiting office owing to misdirection,
+but will be sure to find it before long, and 1/2 per cent. for sundries,
+such as men who were temporarily confined to the house.
+
+Our final result is thoroughly satisfactory, and one that must give
+Compulsionists some food for thought, for however much they may wish to
+introduce the principle they cannot desire to reduce our forces in the
+field in the middle of a great war. In a word, we must deduct 101-1/2
+per cent. from 651,160. That gives us an adverse balance of 9,767. This
+means that, if the present Bill is to go through and compulsion is
+definitely adopted, nearly half a division of our present army must be
+disbanded forthwith. It is just as well that we should see clearly what
+we are heading for.
+
+It has given me great pleasure to have the opportunity of clearing up
+this vexed question.
+
+I am,  Yours as usual,
+
+STATISTICIAN. BIS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR NEUTRALS.
+
+[Illustration: "Why do we torpedo passenger ships? Because we are being
+starved by the infamous English."]
+
+FOR NATIVES.
+
+[Illustration: "Who says we are in distress? Look what our splendid
+organisation is doing!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IRREPRESSIBLES.
+
+[Illustration: _Nurse_ (_of private hospital_). "A message has just come
+in to ask if the hospital will make a little less noise, as the lady
+next door has a touch of headache."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVEN.
+
+    ["Even the food of the men was wholesome and
+    abundant."--_Report_ of a German Correspondent who visited the
+    High Canal Fleet.]
+
+  Sing ho! for the Fleet in the Kiel Canal.
+  Where every man is the KAISER's pal,
+    And lives upon beer and bread;
+  And they all have food, so help them BILL!
+  For every officer gets his fill
+    And even the men are fed.
+
+  His beard as long as his hair is short,
+  VON TIRPITZ says with a mighty snort,
+    "We've money and men and boats;
+  We're here to-day and we're here to-morrow;
+  Pass up the beer and drink death to sorrow;
+    Why, even our Navy floats!
+
+  "Behind the locks of our snug retreat
+  We hurl defiance at JELLICOE'S Fleet
+    From Rosyth down to Dover!
+  We look across at the wet, wet sea
+  And we drink our beer till even we
+    Are almost half-seas over!
+
+  "Our men can eat, and they even drink;
+  They walk and talk, and they almost think;
+    They can turn to the left and right;
+  And when we strike a blow in the back,
+  Or sink a liner or fishing-smack,
+    By Odin, they even fight!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two headlines that appeared side by side in the same issue of an Evening
+Paper:--
+
+"WOMAN WILL PROBABLY BE TRIED IN CAMERA.
+
+GERMAN FEARS FOR LENS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Most of the world's real literature was written by poor
+    authors in their garrets.'
+
+    'Quite so. Homer, for example, wrote in the Attic.'"--_Evening
+    Paper._
+
+Did he now? And we were always taught that he wrote (or, rather, sang)
+in the Ionic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article on the Clyde disputes:--
+
+    "Contrary to the instructions of the Munitions Ministry,
+    peace-prices are sometimes reduced, with resulting friction."
+
+    _Daily News._
+
+We are glad to learn that the Scotch workmen do not belong to the
+peace-at-any-price brigade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONQUEST.
+
+Every January so long as I can remember it has been difficult; but this
+year more so than ever. I cannot say why, except that last year was
+peculiarly eventful and momentous.
+
+The odd thing is that one begins so well. For the first day, at any
+rate, one can do it quite easily; but it is after then that one has to
+be vigilant; and however vigilant one is there are off-guard moments
+when the fatal slip occurs.
+
+Nor will any mechanical device assist you, for nothing can successfully
+defeat the wandering of the mind. Continuous concentration is an
+impossibility; there is nothing for it but habit--a new habit that shall
+be as strong as the old--or the total cessation of all correspondence
+and (O that 'twere possible!) all making out of cheques.
+
+Still conquest comes sooner or later, and I have reached that point in
+my own struggle. I have at last finally got over the tendency to write
+1915.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "As a result of the Labour Conference at Westminster yesterday,
+    a resolution was sunk on Lake Tanganyika."--_Western Daily
+    Press._
+
+The best place for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW THEATRICAL VENTURE.
+
+A friend of mine has started as manager of his first theatre these
+holidays. It may seem to you an unpropitious moment for such a
+beginning, but in many ways this special theatre is exceptionally well
+guaranteed against failure. The proprietor was kind enough to invite my
+presence at his opening performance. As a matter of fact I had myself
+put up the money for it.
+
+Naturally I was anxious for the thing to be a success. The theatre
+stands on what you could truthfully call a commanding situation at one
+end of the schoolroom table. It is an elegant renaissance edifice of
+wood and cardboard, with a seating accommodation only limited by the
+dimensions of the schoolroom itself, and varying with the age of the
+audience. The lighting effects are provided in theory by a row of oil
+foot-lamps, so powerful as to be certain, if kindled, to consume the
+entire building; in practice, therefore, by a number of candle-ends,
+stuck in the wings on their own grease. These not only furnish
+illumination, but, when extinguished (as they constantly are by falling
+scenery) produce a penetrating aroma which is specially dear to the
+managerial nostrils.
+
+The manager, to whom I have already had the pleasure of introducing you,
+is Peter. I have been impatiently waiting for the moment of Peter's
+first theatre, these nine years. Like marbles or _Treasure Island_, it
+is at once a landmark and a milestone in the present-giving career of an
+uncle. So I had devoted some considerable care to its selection.
+
+In one respect Peter's theatre reminds me of the old Court in the days
+of the VEDRENNE-BARKER repertory. You recall how one used to see the
+same people at every performance, a permanent nucleus of spectators that
+never varied? The difference is that Peter's permanent nucleus are
+neither so individually agreeable nor in any true sense enthusiasts of
+the drama. Indeed, being painted on the proscenium, with their backs to
+the stage, the effect they produce is one of studied indifference. Nay
+more, a horrible suspicion about them refused to be banished from my
+thoughts; it was based partly upon the costumes of the ladies, partly on
+the undeniably Teutonic suggestion in the gentlemen's uniforms. However,
+I said nothing about this to Peter.
+
+Despite the presence of these unpleasing persons, the opening
+performance must be pronounced a real success. Perhaps more as a
+spectacle than anything else. Scenically the show was a triumph; the
+memory of the Forest Glade especially will remain with me for weeks by
+reason of the stiff neck I got from contorting myself under Peter's
+guidance to the proper angle for its appreciation. But histrionically it
+must be confessed that things dragged a little. Perhaps this was due to
+a certain severity, not to say baldness, in the dialogue as spoken. Not
+having read the script, I have a feeling that it might be unfair to
+judge the unknown author by the lines as rendered by Peter, who was
+often pre-occupied with other anxieties. As, for example, the scene in
+the Baronial Castle between its noble but unscrupulous proprietor and a
+character introduced by Peter with the simple notice: "This is a
+murderer coming on now."
+
+_Baron._ Oh, are you a murderer?
+
+_Murderer._ Yes.
+
+_Bar._ Oh, well, you've got to murder the Princess.
+
+_Murd._ All right.
+
+_Bar._ That's all of that scene.
+
+Crisp, of course, and to the point; but I feel sure that there must have
+been more in the interview as originally written.
+
+Perhaps, again, the cast was to blame for whatever may have been
+disappointing in the performance. Individually they were a fine company,
+passionate and wiry of gesture, and full of energy. Indeed their chief
+fault sprang from an incapacity to remain motionless in repose. This led
+to a notable lack of balance. However sensational it may be for the exit
+of every character to bring down the house, its effect is unfortunately
+to retard the action of the piece.
+
+Personally I consider that the women were the worst offenders. Take the
+heroine, for example. Lovely she may have been, though in a style more
+appreciated by the late GEORGE CRUIKSHANK than by myself; but looks are
+not everything. Art simply didn't exist for her. Revue might have been
+her real line; or, better still, a strong-woman turn on the Halls. There
+was the episode, for instance, where, having to prostrate herself before
+the Baron, she insisted upon a backward exit (with the usual result) and
+then made an acrobatic re-entrance on her knees.
+
+Tolerant as he was, even Peter began at last to grow impatient at the
+vagaries of his company. Finally, when the Executioner (a mere walker-on
+of no importance whatever) had twice brought ridicule upon the ultimate
+solemnities of the law by his introduction of comic dives off the
+scaffold, the manager rang down the curtain. Not before it was time.
+
+"They're lovely to look at," he observed, surveying the supine cast,
+"but awfully difficult to do anything with."
+
+"Peter," I answered gratefully, "as an estimate of the theatrical
+profession your last remark could hardly be improved upon."
+
+Of course he didn't understand; but, being dramatist as well as uncle, I
+enjoyed saying it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Country Gentleman_ (_as taxi just misses an
+island_). "Do drive carefully, please. I'm not accustomed to taxis."
+
+_Driver_ "That's funny! I ain't used to 'em, neither. As a matter o'
+fact I've only taken this on for a bet."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "February 3.--A total eclipse of the sun, partly visible at
+    Greenwich as a partial eclipse. Eclipse begins to be visible at
+    Greenwich at 4.31 P. M.; ends after the sun has set."
+
+    "February 3.--A partial eclipse of the moon, partly visible at
+    Greenwich. Begins at 4.31 P. M."--_Churchman's Almanack._
+
+This double obscuration will make navigation very difficult for
+sky-pilots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BADGES.
+
+My companion had the habit of muttering to himself and I was relieved
+when he leant over and spoke to me. He was a dry little man of middle
+age, with a nervous kindly face and eyes that twinkled with the
+voluntary spirit. I had seen him on summer evenings clipping his hedge
+and pruning his roses, for we lived nearly opposite to each other.
+Suddenly he emerged from his newspaper and said in a quick determined
+way, "What this country wants, Sir, is more buttonholes. The best suits
+have only two buttonholes; that is to say, only two that are
+superfluous, the rest are all needed by buttons. It's a scandal, Sir!"
+
+"Isn't there one at the bottom of the waistcoat?" I asked.
+
+"Quite useless," he said with much energy, though smiling very kindly.
+"Quite useless for the purpose. The matter," he added, "would not be so
+urgent if we had more sleeves. Worse even than the dearth of buttonholes
+is the lack of eligible sleeves. In peace time two sleeves may have been
+sufficient; to-day ... Well, you can sympathise." He looked (still
+smiling) at the khaki armlet that bound my arm and the Special
+Constable's badge that nestled in my overcoat.
+
+He had the shy decisiveness of a man who seldom spoke his mind. If
+necessary I would have wrested his name from him and pretended a
+relationship with his wife. But he needed no encouragement.
+
+"At the beginning, when one was just a special constable, it didn't
+matter so much. I wore my badge and my armlet when I was on duty and
+sometimes when I was not. Even when I joined our Volunteer Corps I was
+not seriously embarrassed. After all, one could alternate the badges and
+the armlets and, at a pinch, wear them all together. Then I became an
+unskilled munition worker, which meant three badges and two armlets. At
+first I wore two on my overcoat and three inside. Then I would give some
+of them a rest, generally to find that I was wearing the wrong ones on
+the wrong occasions. Altogether it was very confusing."
+
+"So far," I said with some sympathy, "I can follow you. I am myself an
+unskilled War Office clerk; but you have forgotten Lord DERBY'S armlet,
+which at the moment has the place of honour with me."
+
+"No," he said, "I have that too. And I have another badge. I earned it
+on New Year's Day."
+
+He took off his spectacles and rubbed them mechanically. It gave him a
+very detached appearance and he spoke gently, without malice.
+
+"I have an aunt," he said, "by self-election, a most worthy woman, who
+was my mother's cousin. It came to her ears that I had become a
+teetotaler for the duration of the war. It appears that there is a badge
+for temporary teetotalers. She brought me one. She begged me with tears
+in her eyes to wear it. I remonstrated. I pointed out that if every
+public and private virtue is to be symbolised in this fashion, people
+with few vices and a willing heart would soon be perpetually in
+fancy-dress."
+
+"And what happened?" I asked.
+
+"I wavered for a time and then happily I found a way out. A few days ago
+it occurred to me that there must be other means, as yet untried, of
+advertising one's patriotism. I saw a notice in a restaurant I sometimes
+go to, 'No Germans or Austrians Employed Here.' 'Happy proprietor,' I
+said, 'who can so trumpet his honesty without increasing either his
+badges or his armlets!' The fact is that it set me thinking. Eventually
+I hit on a plan. It was very disappointing to my aunt, but it answers
+wonderfully."
+
+"May I ask?" I said; "it might be useful."
+
+"Oh, certainly, certainly. We have bought a little enamelled plate and
+had it fixed to our gate. You may have noticed it. It has the words, 'No
+Bottles.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MASCOT.
+
+[Illustration: _Adoring Damsel._ "And you _will_ wear it always, _won't_
+you?"
+
+_Popular young Sub._ "Thanks awfully. It's frightfully decent of you,
+and all that, but--er--you see, there's a lot of other little chaps
+waitin' to do their bit; I'm afraid he'll have to take his turn with the
+rest." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--You didn't catch sight of any mention of me in
+despatches, did you? I have been rather too busy myself to read the list
+properly, but I did just have time to cast a casual eye over the "H's,"
+and I didn't notice the name of "Henry" standing out in heavy-leaded
+capitals. It must be an inadvertence, of course. They must have said
+something about me, as, for instance: "Especially to be remarked is the
+noble altruism of Lieut. Henry, who on more than one march has been
+observed to take his pack, containing all his worldly goods, off his
+back and to hand it without ostentation to some lucky driver of a
+limber, saying, 'Take it, my lad; your need is greater than mine.'" Or
+again, referring to my later career: "The pen is mightier than the
+sword, but Lieut. Henry's indelible pencil, when engaged on official
+correspondence, is mightier than both." Or at least, at the very
+beginning of things, I'm quite sure the Mentioner devoted a passing
+phrase to me: "By the way, I have just received a consignment described
+on the Movement Order as 'Officer, one, Henry, Lieut.' Speaking frankly
+as between ourselves, what is it exactly? In any case I would gladly
+exchange for a dozen tins of bully beef."
+
+Talking of despatches, I see that our old friend the Regimental
+Anarchist has not escaped notice. I never thought he would, for a less
+unnoticeable man I don't remember meeting. He is one of those big untidy
+fellows, very nice for purposes of war and all that, whom not the
+cleverest adjutant could manage to conceal on a ceremonial parade. His
+service equipment alone was notorious in the division. While we were
+still in England he and I used to share a billet. Every night the last
+thing I saw before going to sleep was the Anarchist trying on a new
+piece of personal furniture. He had at least a hundred aunts, and each
+of them had at least a hundred bright ideas; besides which few days went
+by but he paid a generous visit to the military outfitter. Never in my
+life shall I forget the sight of him during our last moments at home.
+While others were stuffing into themselves the last good meal they
+expected to taste for three years or the duration, he was putting on
+patent waterproof after patent waterproof. He stepped forth at last,
+sweating at every pore, and it wasn't raining at the time and didn't
+look like raining till next winter. The 38-lb. limit prevented his
+putting more than four coats into his valise, and his method of packing
+didn't economise space. If there had been any limit, however generous,
+to the amount of room an officer may occupy in the column of route we'd
+have had to go abroad without our Anarchist, and a much quieter and more
+respectable life we'd have had that way.
+
+Even in our earliest days in B.E.F., when we were well behind the firing
+line, he started playing with fire. Thinking that we shared his low
+tastes he would gather us round him and lecture us on the black
+arts.--"This little fellow," he would say, fetching an infernal machine
+out of his pocket--"this little fellow is as safe as houses provided he
+has no detonator in his little head. But we will just make sure." A
+flutter of excitement would pass round the audience as he started
+unscrewing the top to make sure. "Of course," he'd continue, finding the
+screw a bit stiff and getting absorbed in his toy--"of course, if there
+_should_ happen to be a detonator inside, you have only to tickle it and
+almost anything may happen." While he'd be struggling with the screw,
+the front row of the audience would be shifting its ground to give the
+back rows a better view. "You can't be too careful," he'd say, passing
+it lightly from one hand to the other in order to search for his
+well-known clasp-knife, "for if you're not careful," he'd explain,
+tucking the bomb under his arm so as to have both hands free to open the
+knife--"if you're not careful," he'd say, suddenly letting go the knife
+in order to catch the bomb as it slid from his precarious hold--"if
+you're not very careful" (getting to real business with the murderous
+blade), "very--very--careful...." But none of us were ever near enough
+by that time to hear what would happen if we weren't (or even if he
+wasn't).
+
+And then those strange nights in the trenches, when he and I used to be
+on duty together! I would be waiting in our luxurious, brightly-lit
+gin-palace of a dug-out for him to join me at our midnight lunch. He'd
+come in at last, clad in his fleece lining, the only survivor of his
+extensive collection of overcoats, its absence of collar giving him a
+peculiarly clerical look. He'd sit down to his cocoa, but hardly be
+started on the day before yesterday's newspaper (just arrived with the
+rations) before the private bombardment would begin. I would spring to
+attention; he would go on reading. "Hush!" I'd say. (Why "Hush!" I don't
+know.) "What's all that for?" "Me," he'd say, turning to the personal
+column. And then I'd know that, seizing the opportunity of being
+unobserved, he'd been out for nocturnal stroll with a handful of bombs,
+seeking a little innocent pleasure. The gentlemen opposite, not being
+cricketers themselves or knowing anything about the slow bowler, had, as
+usual, mistaken him for a trench mortar and were making a belated reply.
+
+Only his servant accompanied him on these jaunts. He was a nice quiet
+villain, whose lust for adventure had, I always imagine, been long ago
+satisfied by a dozen or so gentle burglaries in his civilian past. He
+didn't want to kill people; his job in life was to keep his master alive
+and well fed. So when the latter went out bombing he thought he might as
+well go out with him, and occupy himself picking turnips for to-morrow's
+stew.
+
+When the Anarchist wasn't distributing bombs he was collecting bullets.
+Being untidy by nature, he didn't particularly care where they hit him,
+provided they didn't damage his pipe. That was all he cared about, his
+lyddite and his tobacco. I often wonder how it was he didn't get the two
+habits of his life mixed up--fill a pipe with H.E., light it and finish
+off that way. But he didn't; he has just gone on collecting lead,
+letting it accumulate about his person until it got too heavy to be
+convenient and then resorting to the nearest hospital to have it
+removed. I hear he's there now, the result, I gather, of a bit of a
+show. It was his servant who was walking about that unhealthy field at
+that imprudent time and found him. One would like to paint a romantic
+picture of the meeting, but I doubt if there was much romance about it.
+I am quite sure all the Anarchist cared about was his tobacco pouch and
+all the servant was interested in was the further collection of
+vegetables, just in case.
+
+I can see our Anarchist, lying in his little white bed in the hospital,
+surrounded by his sevenpenny racing novels (with or without covers), his
+tins of navy-cut (some empty, some full), his fleece lining, his
+compass, his socks, his field-glasses, his ties, his revolver and his
+last month's letters (some opened, some not), all jumbled happily
+together, with his ragged old shaving-brush reigning proudly in the
+midst. I doubt if he knows he's been "mentioned," for one could never
+get him to take interest in any news which wasn't "sporting"; possibly
+he is made suspicious by the uncomfortable presence of unopened
+telegrams in all corners of his bed. But one thing I do hope, and that
+is that this bed is, at any rate, not strewn, inside and out, with
+unexploded hand-grenades.
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WARFARE AT THE BARBER'S.
+
+[Illustration: "What do you think of the paper this morning, Sir?"]
+
+[Illustration: "Quite time we had compulsion, eh?"]
+
+[Illustration: "No good shutting our eyes to facts."]
+
+[Illustration: "What we want is more energy."]
+
+[Illustration: "Of course mistakes will happen"--]
+
+[Illustration: "And it's no good pouring cold water on enthusiasm."]
+
+[Illustration: "I'm hoping for that 'forward push' in the Spring."]
+
+[Illustration: "Well, it will be a great relief when it's all over."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRUSSIAN DREAM OF PEACE IN THE SPRING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVINCIAL PATRIOTS.
+
+_From Jim Figgis, Whitty Bridge, to George Roberts, South Farm,
+Sudborough._
+
+_Dec. 5th._ 1915.
+
+DEAR GEORGE,--I hear the remount officer is coming round your part. I
+have a compact little bay horse, just the sort for the Army. We must all
+do our bit now, so here's our chance. The Vet says the horse has
+laminitis in his off fore foot, but it's all my eye. Anyhow he's the
+useful sort they require for the Army. They wouldn't look at me if I
+offered him, but you can get round them. Give me fifty quid and I'll
+send him over.
+
+Your friend, J. FIGGIS.
+
+
+_From George Roberts to Jim Figgis.
+
+Dec. 7th,_ 1915.
+
+DEAR JIM,--Yours to hand. No one can say that you're not a good patriot,
+and I won't be No. 2. But fifty quid for that little horse--not me. Say
+thirty and he's mine, sound or unsound.
+
+Yours, G. ROBERTS.
+
+
+_George Roberts to the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone, White Lion Hotel,
+Sudborough._
+
+_Dec. 10th,_ 1915.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Hearing you are looking out for horses for the Army I write
+to say I have one or two which I shall be pleased to place at your
+disposal and at a very reasonable price, as in these times we must all
+give up something for the country. I shall be pleased to see you at any
+time convenient, except Tuesday, when I have to be at our local
+Agricultural Show.
+
+Yours to command,
+
+G. ROBERTS.
+
+
+_From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone to George Roberts._
+
+_Dec. 11th,_ 1915.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Thank you for your letter. It is very satisfactory to find
+local people of your position anxious to help. I will call at your farm
+on Friday next and see the horses you refer to. With thanks,
+
+Yours truly, M. FOPSTONE.
+
+P.S.--I have been warned against a man named Figgis. Do you know him?
+
+
+_From George Roberts to the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone._
+
+_Dec. 13th,_ 1915.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Friday will suit me very well for your call, at any time you
+please. You are quite right to avoid Figgis; he is one of the small
+horse-dealing class who are a discredit to our country districts. Any
+further information is at your service.
+
+Yours to command, G. ROBERTS.
+
+
+_From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone to George Roberts._
+
+_Dec. 21st_, 1915.
+
+DEAR MR. ROBERTS,--I have now pleasure in enclosing cheque for L65 for
+bay horse. As stated to you when I called at South Farm, I was not in a
+position to go beyond L60 without further authorisation; this I have now
+obtained. Thanking you for the patriotic spirit you have shown in this
+little business,
+
+Yours truly, M. FOPSTONE.
+
+
+_From the Adjutant, Royal Beetshire Hussars, Tickful Camp, to Messrs.
+Davison Bros., The Mart, Southtown._
+
+_Jan. 1st,_ 1916.
+
+Please enter bay gelding, aged, sent herewith, in your next sale without
+reserve, as he is not sound and of no use to Army.
+
+
+_Memo. from Davison Bros. to Adjutant._
+
+_Jan. 17th_, 1916.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Herewith please find cheque L5 4s. 3d. for bay gelding, being
+amount realised for same, less our commission and expenses.
+
+Yours faithfully, DAVISON BROS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Times_ heads an article, "Unity in the Air." It deals, however,
+with the new Anglo-French Aviation Conference and has nothing to do with
+the latest _Peter Pan_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GALLIPOLI-AND AFTER?
+
+[Illustration: Sultan. "CONGRATULATE ME, WILLIAM. NO ENGLISH REMAIN.
+I'VE DRIVEN THEM ALL INTO THE SEA!"
+
+Kaiser. "VERY CARELESS OF YOU. _WHY, THAT'S THEIR ELEMENT!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+[Illustration: _The Speaker_ (_lapsing for the first time from
+Parliamentary etiquette at the sight of Sir GEORGE REID ready to take
+his seat in the House_). "_Advance, Australia_!"]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, January 10th_.--In spite of sharp rebuke
+administered by SPEAKER last week the PERTINACIOUS PRINGLE to the fore
+again--to be precise, to the _Forward_. This the name of weekly paper
+that is published in Clyde district, and has of late emerged from
+obscurity by "deliberately inciting workers," as LLOYD GEORGE said, "not
+to carry out Act of Parliament passed in order to promote the output of
+munitions." On motion for adjournment PRINGLE perceived opportunity of
+attacking MINISTER OF MUNITIONS. Accused him of suppressing the sheet
+because it had reported proceedings at meetings attended by him in
+Glasgow, at which his speech was interrupted by noisy minority. This
+course of procedure imitated by PRINGLE when LLOYD GEORGE, replying,
+quoted passages in the paper making violent attack on the KING and
+systematic attempts to stem flood of recruiting.
+
+"These things," said the MINISTER, in passage loudly cheered, "meant
+life or death to our men in the field. They are not suitable matters for
+Parliamentary sport. We are dealing in tragedies. I am doing my best to
+save the men at the Front. I am entitled to be helped, not to be
+harried."
+
+OUTHWAITE, coming to assistance of PRINGLE, otherwise prangling all
+forlorn, jumped upon by Captain CAMPBELL.
+
+"If I had the Hon. Member in my battalion at the Front," he said, "he
+would be strung up by the thumbs before he had been there half-an-hour."
+
+This scarcely Parliamentary; but it passed the Chair, leaving the
+gallant Captain, who modestly wears well-won ribbon of D.S.O., time to
+adjure the House to "get on with the War."
+
+_Business done._--In House barely half full Motion carried calling upon
+Government to enter into consultation with the Overseas Dominions in
+order to bring economic strength of Empire into co-operation with our
+Allies in a policy directed against the enemy.
+
+_Tuesday._--Said with truth that a speech in the House of Commons,
+however forcible and eloquent, rarely influences a vote. Some orators,
+however, have gift of stirring the soul to emotions that carry a man to
+actions beyond range of conventionality. Such an one is the Right Hon.
+THOMAS LOUGH, commonly and affectionately known through several
+Parliaments as "Tommy." One of small faction of Liberals who have not
+withdrawn opposition to Military Service Bill. Declaiming against it
+just now on motion for Second Reading, he described it as a sham.
+
+"It is not true," he said, "that young unmarried men have held back. On
+the contrary they have come forward nobly and in great numbers."
+
+Vindication of a maligned class so affected somebody seated in the
+Strangers' Gallery that he loudly clapped his hands. This a decided
+breach of order. The Assyrians (in form of Gallery attendants) came down
+upon him like a wolf on the fold. Ordered him to withdraw. He explained
+that he was so entirely at one with argument of the Hon. Member for West
+Islington that he preferred to remain to listen to continuance of his
+speech. Assyrians insistent on his immediate departure. Martial spirit
+of young unmarried man roused. Refused to budge. Whereupon the
+Assyrians, lifting him out of the seat, carried him forth _vi et
+armis_--free translation, by legs and arms.
+
+From his seat below the Gangway Mr. FLAVIN watched procedure with
+wistful eyes. Remembered how towards break of day dawning on an
+all-night sitting held towards the close of last century he also was
+carried forth shoulder high, not by officers of the House in nice white
+shirt fronts, with glittering badges hung round their necks, but by the
+common or street policeman helmeted and belted. As he journeyed he sang,
+"God save Ireland," his compatriots, more or less attuned, joining in
+the chorus.
+
+Recognition of historical incident sharply marks contrast in attitude of
+Irish Members then and now. Still fighting for Home Rule they stopped
+short of no outrage upon order, systematically and successfully
+obstructing public business. Military Service Bill offers enticing
+opportunities for exercise of old tactics. They might, if they pleased,
+keep House sitting for weeks fighting Bill in Committee line by line,
+word by word, as was their custom of an afternoon, and half-way through
+the night, in days of old. Other times other manners. Interposing early
+in debate JOHN REDMOND announced that his party, having made their
+protest against Bill in Division Lobby on First Reading, would withdraw
+from further opposition.
+
+_Business done_--Second Reading of Military Service Bill moved.
+
+_Wednesday._--Sir GEORGE REID, having completed term of service as High
+Commissioner of Australia, took his seat as Member for St. George's,
+Hanover Square. Carefully dismounting at Bar from his native steed he
+was introduced by BONAR LAW, Unionist Colonial Secretary, and HARCOURT,
+Colonial Secretary in late Liberal Government. This concatenation of
+circumstance, testifying to universal esteem and exceptional personal
+popularity, unique in Parliamentary records.
+
+New-comer will serve in double capacity. Nominally Member for St.
+George's, he will also be Member for Australia, an innovation that will
+probably have wider scope and formal recognition when the Overseas
+Dominions have completed their splendid work of helping the Mother
+Country to bring the War to triumphant conclusion.
+
+GEORGE REID'S career on a new stage will be watched with keen interest
+in his two antipodal homes. Since, six years ago, he came to London, he
+has acquired the reputation of being one of the best after-dinner
+speakers of the day. How will the qualities that ensure success in that
+direction serve him at Westminster? MACAULAY truly said, "The House of
+Commons is the most peculiar audience in the world. A place in which I
+would not promise success to any man."
+
+The MEMBER FOR SARK puts his money (or such portion as is left after
+paying War taxes) on the Member for St. George's, Hanover
+Square-_cum_-Australia.
+
+Debate on Second Reading of Military Service Bill resumed. Best thing
+said during two days' talk was an incidental remark of BIRRELL'S.
+Relating history of Bill in Cabinet he said he had felt it his duty to
+say something about Ireland.
+
+"What I said," he added, "is of course known only to those of my
+colleagues who were sitting round the table and to such representatives
+of the London Press as were sitting underneath it."
+
+This hint explains mystery clouding the fact that whilst the secrets of
+Cabinet Councils are held to be inviolable there are morning papers able
+habitually to give detailed information of what passes behind the locked
+and barred doors.
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading of Military Service Bill carried by 431
+votes against 39.
+
+_Thursday._--After advancing three minor Government Bills a stage, House
+adjourned at 5.30.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sailor (who has been reprimanded by young officer for
+not saluting him)._ "Beg pardon, Sir; but you Tommies are all so much
+alike." ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Guest_ (_who has been asked to a theatre dinner-party_).
+"I say, I thought--"
+
+_Host._ "Oh, don't bother about your clothes, old chap. People will only
+think you're a bit old-fashioned."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OFFICIAL STYLE.
+
+Extract from an Indian Service register:--
+
+    "Service Order 41 of 1914, dated 16-10-14. He was appointed
+    acting Forest Guard and posted to Surumoni beat, in place of
+    Chowdri Zaicko, Forest Guard, who was devoured by a tiger with
+    effect from the forenoon of 16th Oct. 1914."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
+
+Here where the world is quiet except for the noise of the rain trickling
+into one's valise through the nooks and crannies of one's rustic
+apartment--here where there is no peril from above and no peril from in
+front, neither peril of enfilade, here too--it is a Base I am doing this
+sentence about--we have our problems.
+
+To begin with there is the glorious uncertainty of things. Some men are
+here to-day and the far side of Wipers to-morrow night. Others arrive
+from England thirsting for all sorts of things that no sane man ever
+wants to have anything to do with, and are kept doing a bomb course and
+a machine-gun course on alternate days for eight months. There is a tale
+told of one such who, when he was finally sent to the trenches, was
+returned as hopeless after three days because he would do nothing except
+sit beside a machine gun trying to fill the belt with grenades. There is
+no sadder story in the War.
+
+Now if I knew for certain that I was going to be here eight months I
+could marry and settle down. Or if I knew for certain I was for Wipers
+to-morrow night I could make a new will--not that there's anything the
+matter with the old one, but I met a man on leave who put me up to some
+good tips in will-making--and settle up. But as it is part of our
+military system for junior officers not to know anything I dare not even
+have my letters forwarded.
+
+Anyhow, Bases are not what they were in my young days. Of course there
+were always parades; but you obviously couldn't parade while you were
+busy over some Alternative Necessary Duty. Alternative Necessary Duties
+were always my strongest suit. On the evening of my arrival in camp I
+would summon the Band Sergeant and provide him with my programme of
+work. On Monday he would please arrange for a criminal in my detail. On
+Tuesday I would use my influence in the matter of obtaining clothing for
+my detail. This would be a very laborious task, involving three
+signatures in ink or indelible pencil; but no matter, to a good officer
+the comfort of his men comes before everything. On Wednesday I would pay
+my men. Rotten job, paying out, but ensures Generous Glow, and no
+expense unless you lose the Acquittance Roll. On Thursday I would read
+Standing Orders to the latest arrived draft; maybe they had had this
+done to them once already, but one cannot be too particular. A private I
+know of who had only had Standing Orders read to him once got into awful
+trouble through carelessly kicking a recalcitrant corporal on the head.
+That just shows you. On Friday--but I weary you, if that be possible.
+Suffice it that the Base went very well then.
+
+The trouble began, as usual, high up. The G.O. Commanding something most
+frightfully important inspected one of our parades one morning and found
+7,528 other ranks under one Second-Lieutenant. All might have been well
+if the Second-Lieutenant had not forgotten to fire the correct salute of
+fourteen bombs (or whatever was the correct salute). The G.O.C.
+investigated. He searched the woods and delved in the instructional
+trenches, but never another officer came to light. So he went home and,
+after a bad lunch--we surmise--set himself to abolish Alternative
+Necessary Duties in a formal edict. No officer is to absent himself from
+a parade except by the express orders of an O.C. Base Depot.
+
+This happened several days ago, and the ruling is probably obsolete by
+now, but I am wondering how I shall break the news to the G.O.C. if I
+should happen to meet him on one of my morning walks into town; and in
+my heart of heart I know that one fine morning I shall be cowardly, and
+wake before nine, and attend my first parade at army Base. Some zealous
+despatch rider will dash hot-foot to the G.O.C. with the news, and he
+will come and rub his hands and chuckle and gloat. It will be a Black
+Day.
+
+Here too there are minor points of etiquette that vex one. Is it correct
+for me, having bought half a kilo of chocolates while waiting for a
+train, to kill further time by eating them out of a paper bag under the
+surveillance of an A.S.C. sergeant? or ought I to offer a few to the
+sergeant with some _jeu d'esprit_--never coarse and never cruel--about
+bully beef? Of such are the complexities with which a Base harasses the
+soul of an officer nurtured in the genial simplicity of trench life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the Peace demonstration in Berlin:--
+
+    "The people simply turned up themselves, and everyone was highly
+    turned up themselves, and everyone was highly pleased with the
+    result."--_Egyptian Mail._
+
+It seems to have been a complete revolution.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY LISPINGS.
+
+The "motive" of Mrs. Pumfrey Lord's new novel is Christian Science, and
+the hero, the Duke of Southminster, is understood to be a composite
+portrait of Lord ROSEBERY and Mr. GLADSTONE. The character of the evil
+genius of the plot, Lord Rufus Doldrum, is partly modelled on
+ALCIBIADES, but in its main lines is reminiscent of Mrs. EDDY and Major
+WINSTON CHURCHILL. On the other hand the eccentric Lord Wymondham, who
+creates a sensation by appearing at a Cabinet meeting in
+accordion-pleated pyjamas, is understood to be an entirely imaginary
+personage. The novel, which has been running in _Wanamaker's Weekly_,
+will shortly be published by the Strongmans.
+
+
+A Poet who Counts.
+
+Mr. Ouseley Pampfield, who has been recuperating at Buxton after
+spraining his ankle while getting out of his magnificent motor, is now
+seeing his new volume of poems through the press. Under the arresting
+title of _The Soul of a Passivist_ they will shortly be published by the
+firm of Coddler and Slack.
+
+
+The Jimmisons Again.
+
+The Long Lanes will shortly publish a new "Jimmison" novel, The
+_Factota_. The heroine is a young lady enamoured of the doctrine of the
+economic independence of women. She enters a Draper's Emporium in
+Manchester and works her way up to the post of manager, but heads a
+strike of the work-girls. The claims of romance, however, are not
+overlooked, for in the long run _Retta Carboy_--for that is her charming
+name--wins the hand and heart of the junior partner's chauffeur, who
+turns out to be son of the Earl of Ancoats. The scene in which the
+Rolls-Royce, frightened by the sight of some Highland cattle, executes a
+cross-cut counter-rocking skid, is one of the finest things the
+Jimmisons have ever done.
+
+
+Armageddon in the Making.
+
+Governesses, so long the butt of unkindly satire, have at last come by
+their own. Miss Bertha Bowlong, who was governess to the KAISER in the
+late "sixties," is shortly about to publish her reminiscences of her now
+all-too-notorious pupil. Strange to say it never occurred to her to set
+them down till quite recently, nearly fifty years after the event. The
+book, which is now announced by the Talboys, is rich in illuminating
+anecdotes of the future WAR LORD, as well as vivid portraits of MOLTKE,
+BISMARCK, TREITSCHKE, MUeNCHHAUSEN, Eulenspiegel, Dudelsack and other
+luminaries of the Prussian capital.
+
+
+The Charm of Cannibalism.
+
+Miss Ermyntrude Stuggy (Mrs. Raymond Blott), whose extraordinary novel,
+_The Lurid Lady_, was described by Father BERNARD VAUGHAN as the most
+"precipitous" book he had ever preached on, has returned to England
+after two years' residence among the cannibals of the Solomon Islands.
+Hence the title of her forthcoming volume, _The Adorable Anthropophagi_,
+which is already announced by Messrs. Hybrow and Garbidge. The contents
+explain why Mr. Blott has heroically preferred to remain with the
+cannibals.
+
+
+Major Finch's Great Discovery.
+
+Major Hector Finch, the famous Nationalist M.P., philosopher,
+psychologist and scholar, has made a remarkable literary discovery. It
+is that _Johnson's Dictionary_ is not, as is generally supposed, the
+work of BEN JONSON, but of SAMUEL JOHNSON, the son of a Lichfield
+bookseller. This epoch-making revelation, briefly and modestly outlined
+in a letter to _The Daily Chronicle_, will be set forth in detail in a
+massive volume of 1,000 pages, with a portrait of the author, to be
+issued shortly by the House of Swallow and Gull.
+
+
+Odds and Ends.
+
+_The Vegetarians_, a novel with a strong dietetic interest by Janet
+Melinda Didham, is announced by the firm of Gherkin Mark.
+
+_The Molly Monologues_ is the alluring title of a volume of sketches by
+Richard Turpin, shortly appearing with Pincher and Steel.
+
+Miss Loofah Windsor, who wrote _The Washpot_, a successful story of last
+summer, has just finished a new one of a humorous type, called _What--no
+Soap_? which the Dinwiddies will publish in a month or two.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A few lucky corps actually had geese to pave the way for the
+    Christmas pudding; they were quartered in some place where a
+    whip round among the officers and a ride to the nearest town or
+    village secured enough geese to feed a battalion."
+
+    _Jersey Morning News_.
+
+Somehow we feel that this might have been more tactfully expressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Dillon harangued the House for three-quarters of an hour on
+    militarism, _The Daily Mail_, Suvla BaBy, and sundry other
+    topics."
+
+    _Daily Mail_.
+
+An extended report of his remarks on this interesting infant would have
+been welcome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE CARDS.
+
+To many people wholly free from superstition, except that, after
+spilling the salt, they are careful to throw a little over the left
+shoulder, and do not go out of their way to walk under ladders, and are
+not improved in appetite by sitting thirteen at table, and much prefer
+that may should not be brought into the house--to these people,
+otherwise so free from superstition, it would perhaps be surprising to
+know what great numbers of their fellow-creatures resort daily to such
+black arts as fortune-telling by the cards.
+
+Yet quite respectable, God-fearing, church-going old ladies, and
+probably old gentlemen too, treasure this practice, to say nothing of
+younger and therefore naturally more frivolous folk; and many make the
+consultation of the two and fifty oracles a morning habit.
+
+And particularly women. Those well-thumbed packs of cards that we know
+so well are not wholly dedicated to "Patience," I can assure you.
+
+All want to be told the same thing: what the day will bring forth. But
+each searcher into the dim and dangerous future has, of course,
+individual methods--some shuffling seven times and some ten, and so
+forth, and all intent upon placating the elfish goddess, Caprice. There
+is little Miss Banks, for example, but I must tell you about her.
+
+Nothing would induce little Miss Banks to leave the house in the morning
+without seeing what the cards promised her, and so open and
+impressionable are her mind and heart that she is still interested in
+the colour of the romantic fellow whom the day, if kind, is to fling
+across her path. The cards, as you know, are great on colours, all men
+being divided into three groups: dark (which has the preference), fair,
+and middling. Similarly for you, if you can get little Miss Banks to
+read your fate (but you must of course shuffle the pack yourself) there
+are but three kinds of charmers: dark (again the most fascinating and to
+be desired), fair, and middling.
+
+It is great fun to watch little Miss Banks at her necromancy. She takes
+it so earnestly, literally wrenching the future's secrets from their
+lair.
+
+"A letter is coming to you from some one," she says. "An important
+letter."
+
+And again, "I see a voyage over water."
+
+Or very seriously, "There's a death."
+
+You gasp.
+
+"No, it's not yours. A fair woman's."
+
+You laugh. "Only a fair woman's!" you say. "Go on."
+
+But the cards have not only ambiguities, but strange reticences.
+
+"Oh," little Miss Banks will say, her eyes large with excitement,
+"there's a payment of money and a dark man."
+
+"Good," you say.
+
+"But I can't tell," she goes on, "whether you pay it to him or he pays
+it to you."
+
+"That's a nice state of things," you say, becoming indignant. "Surely
+you can tell."
+
+"No, I can't."
+
+You begin to go over your dark acquaintances who might owe you money,
+and can think of none.
+
+You then think of your dark acquaintances to whom you owe money, and are
+horrified at their number.
+
+"Oh, well," you say, "the whole thing's rubbish, anyway."
+
+Little Miss Banks's eyes dilate with pained astonishment.
+"Rubbish!"--and she begins to shuffle again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_dictating letter to be sent to his wife_). "The
+nurses here are a very plain lot--"
+
+_Nurse._ "Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us."
+
+_Tommy._ "Never mind, Nurse, put it down. It'll please her!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From "Notes for the Use of New Chaplains," by an Indian Archdeacon:
+
+    "I have only given advice on matters where, to my own knowledge,
+    an ignorance of procedure has led to adverse criticism with
+    regard to breeches of etiquette."
+
+Somebody seems to have been making fun of the venerable gentleman's
+continuations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. XXXIII.
+
+(_From Theodore Roosevelt, U.S.A._)
+
+It's bully to live in a country where you can say what you like about
+the bosses, and that, Sir, is what I've been doing and mean to go on
+doing to you. There's no manner of question about it, you're the biggest
+boss and the most dangerous that we in this country have ever come up
+against, and if our Government had only got a right idea of its bounden
+duty we should have protested against your conduct, yes, and backed our
+protest by our deeds long before this; but the fact is there's too much
+milk and water in the blood of some of our big fellows. They whine when
+they ought to be up and denouncing, and they crouch and crawl instead of
+standing upright like free and fearless men, and giving the devil's
+agent the straightest eye-puncher of which the human arm is capable. I
+thank Heaven, Sir, that I'm not made on that plan. I'm out to fight
+humbug and hypocrisy, even when they masquerade as friendship and
+benevolence; and when I see a fellow coming along with hundreds of pious
+texts in his mouth, and his hands dripping with the blood of innocent
+women and children, why, I've got to say what I think of him or die. For
+my own part--
+
+  "On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk,
+  Nor lard with Scripture my familiar talk;
+  For man may pious texts repeat
+  And yet religion have no inward seat."
+
+A man called HOOD wrote that nearly eighty years ago, but it's quite
+true still. I wonder what he would have written if he'd had the bad luck
+to know about you and your disgusting appeals to the Almighty, whom you
+treat as if He were always waiting round the corner to be decorated with
+the Iron Cross.
+
+Now mind, I don't want you to deceive yourself. If I dislike you and
+feel as if I'd sooner kick you than shake hands with you, it isn't
+because I'm a peace-at-any-price man. No man can say that about me
+without qualifying for a place within easy reach of ANANIAS; but when I
+decide to take part in a scrap--and there's few scraps going that I
+don't butt into sooner or later--I like to feel that I've got a bit of
+right on my side. But how can _you_ feel that when you over-run Belgium
+and burn down Louvain--that's the place that made your heart bleed,
+bah!--and when you shoot down Belgian hostages and do to death an
+English nurse? All that never seems to strike you. You go on thinking of
+yourself as a holy humble man whom everybody wilfully mistakes for a
+bully and a tyrant. Well, you can't fool everybody all the time, you
+know, and in this case it happens that everybody has got some sound
+horse-sense in his head. Who wanted to hurt you? You'd put together a
+great army and your commercial prosperity was a pretty good business
+proposition. You'd got a navy and you'd got a very meek and submissive
+people, which didn't prevent them from being harsh and domineering and
+cruel so far as other peoples were concerned. If you wanted to have folk
+afraid of you there were plenty to humour you by pretending to tremble
+when you frowned and shook your head. But you weren't going to be
+satisfied. You must have a war so as to show what a great general you
+were, and you shoved on the old man FRANCIS JOSEPH and kept urging him
+from behind until everyone got tired by the impossibility of making you
+come out fair and square on the side of peace.
+
+Well, you've got your war, and I hope you like it. This isn't one of
+your military promenades. This is hard, long fighting against men whose
+only wish was to be left alone. You've forced them to form a trust for
+the purpose of trust-busting, and in the end they'll wear you out and
+have you beaten to a frazzle in spite of all you can do. You've lost
+millions of men and millions of money, and you don't seem to get on with
+your final and decisive victory, and you're still the vainest and the
+loudest man on earth. Isn't it just about time you saw yourself as the
+rest of us see you, an irritable lime-light hero, whose favourite effort
+is to sink a _Lusitania_ and pretend he had to do it because he didn't
+think she'd go down or because there were too many women and just enough
+children in the world? All I can say is that I've had more than enough
+of you.
+
+THEODORE ROOSEVELT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEYOND THE LIMIT.
+
+    [The German General Staff declares that for air-warfare there
+    are still lacking international laws of any kind.]
+
+  When Peace lured the Powers to her House at the Hague
+  With promises specious and welcome though vague
+  Of a time when the terrors of war should lie hid
+  And the leopard fall headlong in love with the kid,
+  She drew up a set of Utopian rules
+  For the guidance of all the best bellicose schools.
+
+  Among the more notable schemes that she planned
+  She fashioned them bounds to their methods on land,
+  Taught the whole of them, too, how humane they could be
+  If a scrap should occur, as it might, on the sea--
+  In a word, pruned the pinions of war everywhere
+  Save the one place that war could fly into--the air.
+
+  But the Hun, he forswore what he vowed at her shrine,
+  And behaved like a fiend on the soil and the brine;
+  Then he turned to his Zepps, and remarked, "I can fly,
+  And she never laid down any law for the sky;
+  Here's a chance for some real dirty work to be done;"
+  And he did it by simply out-Hunning the Hun.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How to Save Your Teeth.
+
+From the Soldiers and Sailors Dental Aid Fund (43, Leicester Square),
+which has done exceptional service during the War, comes the story of an
+old lady who applied for a set of teeth for her soldier grandson. When
+asked if he would know how to take care of them, she replied that she
+would give him the benefit of her own experience, having always made it
+a rule to remove her artificial teeth at meal times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two cuttings from one issue of _The Egyptian Mail_:--
+
+    "TREMENDOUS INCREASE IN RECRUITING.
+
+    ANOTHER 1,000,000,000 MEN WANTED."
+
+    "WANTED proof-reader for the Egyptian Mail."
+
+It certainly does want one; but for the sake of the gaiety of nations we
+trust it won't get him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "With regard to the expeditionary force, the unexampled heroism
+    and determination of our troops enabled them to establish a
+    foothold on the tip of the peninsula, but photographs confirm
+    the reports of eye-witnesses that they were literally holding on
+    by their eyelids to the positions they had occupied."--_Sunday
+    Times._
+
+And the subsequent abandonment was performed like winking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a draper's notice:--
+
+    "On Friday and Saturday the shops will be open until the usual
+    hours, although lights will not be visible outside. Customers
+    are requested to open the doors to obtain admittance."
+
+    _Rugby Advertiser._
+
+And not to climb through the windows, or come down the chimney, please.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOUJOURS LA POLITESSE.
+
+[Illustration: _British Officer_ (_in his best French_). "Etes-vous un
+fumier, Monsieur?"
+
+_French ditto_ (_with only momentary hesitation_). "Mais oui,
+Monsieur."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I forget just how long it is since Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT united _Edwin
+Clayhanger_ and _Hilda Lessways_ in the bonds of matrimony. Time goes so
+fast these days that I met them again, and _Auntie Hamps_, and _Maggie_,
+and _Clara_, and the rest of the Three Towns company, as after an
+enormous interval. They themselves however have changed in nothing,
+except perhaps that the habit of introspection and their phenomenal
+capacity for self-astonishment have become more pronounced. "He thought,
+'I am I; this wife is my wife; and if I put one foot before the other I
+shall go inevitably forward.' And it seemed to him stupendous." I do not
+say that this is a quotation, but it represents a habit of mind that is
+in danger of growing, upon _Edwin_ especially. He seems never able to
+share my own entire confidence in Mr. BENNETT'S efficiency as creator.
+Of course nothing very much happens in the course of _These Twain_
+(METHUEN). It is simply a study of conjugal existence in its effect upon
+character; briefly, how to be happy though married. In the end _Edwin_
+seems to hit upon a sort of solution with the discovery that injustice
+is a natural condition to be accepted rather than resented. So one
+leaves the two with some prospect, a little insecure, of happiness.
+Needless to say the study of both _Edwin_ and _Hilda_ is marvellously
+penetrating and minute, almost to the point of defeating its own end. I
+had, not for the first time with Mr. BENNETT'S characters, a feeling
+that I knew them too well to have complete belief in them. They become
+not portraits but anatomical diagrams. But for all that the accuracy of
+his observation is undeniable. One sees it in those minor personalities
+of the tale whom he is content to record from without. _Auntie Hamps_,
+for example, and Clara are two masterpieces of portraiture. You must
+read _These Twain_; but if possible take time over it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+American improvements are the wonder of the world. America seems to have
+the knack of taking hold of old stuff and turning it into something full
+of pep and punch. You remember a play called _Hamlet_? No? Well, there
+is a scene in it, rather an impressive scene, where a man chats with his
+father's ghost. Mr. ROBERT W. CHAMBERS, America's brightest novelist,
+has taken much the same idea and put a bit of zip in it. In his latest
+work, _Athalie_ (APPLETON), the heroine, who is clairvoyant, sees the
+ghost of the hero's mother, who prevented the hero from marrying her,
+and cuts it. "A hot proud colour flared in her cheeks as she drew
+quietly aside and stood with averted head to let her pass." In all my
+researches in modern fiction I cannot recall a more dramatic and
+satisfying situation. It is, I believe, the first instance on record of
+a spectre being snubbed. SHAKSPEARE never thought of anything like that.
+As regards the other aspects of _Athalie_, the book, I cannot see what
+else a reviewer can say but that it is written by Mr. CHAMBERS. The
+world is divided into those who read every line Mr. CHAMBERS writes,
+irrespective of its merits, and those who would require to be handsomely
+paid before reading a paragraph by him. A million eager shop-girls,
+school-girls, chorus-girls, factory-girls and stenographers throughout
+America are probably devouring _Athalie_ at this moment. My personal
+opinion that the book is a potboiler, turned out on a definite formula,
+like all of Mr. CHAMBERS' recent work, to meet a definite demand, cannot
+deter a single one of them from sobbing over it. As for that section of
+the public which remembers _The King in Yellow_ and _Cardigan_, it has
+long ago become resigned to Mr. CHAMBERS' decision to take the cash and
+let the credit go, and has ceased to hope for a return on his part to
+the artistic work of his earlier period, when he wrote novels as opposed
+to Best Sellers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Let me heartily commend to you a book of stories by doughty penmen
+turned swordsmen for the period of the War--A. E. W. MASON, of the
+Manchester Regiment; A. A. M., of the Royal Warwicks; W. B. MAXWELL,
+Royal Fusilier; IAN HAY, A. and S. HIGHLANDER; COMPTON MACKENZIE, R.N.;
+"Q.," of the Duke of Cornwall's L.I.; OLIVER ONIONS, A.S.C.; BARRY PAIN,
+R.N.A.S.; and just short of a dozen others. Published by Messrs. HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON, under title, _The Red Cross Story Book_, to be sold for
+the benefit of _The Times_ Fund. It's the sort of book about which even
+the most conscientious reviewer feels he can honestly say nice things
+without any too thorough examination of the contents. With that thought
+I started turning over the pages casually, but found myself dipping
+deeper and deeper, until, becoming entirely absorbed, I abandoned all
+pretence of professional detachment and had a thoroughly good time. I
+should like to be able to state that the quality of these stories of
+humour, adventure and sentiment was uniform, if only for the sake of
+this appropriate word. But I can say that the best are excellent, the
+average is high, and the tenor so varied as to suit almost any age and
+taste.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Severe mental collapse experienced by a journalist who
+attempted to write an article on the rat plague in the trenches without
+making any reference to "The Pied Piper of Hamelin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. B. G. O'RORKE, Chaplain to the Forces, has written a short account
+of his experiences in confinement--_In The Hands of the Enemy_
+(LONGMANS). Seeing that he was allowed, as a minister of religion,
+unique opportunities of meeting our officers (though not men of the
+ranks) shut up in different fortresses, and particularly because he has
+been thoughtful enough to mention many of them by name, his narrative is
+one which nobody with near friends now in Germany can afford to miss.
+The general reader, on the other hand, may have to confess to some
+disappointment, since the foggy shadow of the Censor, German or English,
+still looms over the pages here and there, blotting out the sensational
+episodes which we felt we had reason, if not right, to expect; and if
+their absence is really due to Mr. O'RORKE'S steady refusal to indulge
+us by embellishing his almost too unvarnished recital the effect is just
+the same. Or perhaps the suggestion of flatness is to be ascribed to the
+enemy's failure on the whole to treat certain of his victims in any very
+extraordinary manner, and if so we can accept it and be thankful. There
+are lots of interesting passages all the same, such as the account of
+the specially favourable treatment of officers from Irish regiments,
+accorded in all Teutonic seriousness as preparatory to an invitation to
+serve in the ranks of Prussia; or the pathetic incident of the
+white-haired French priest sent to the cells for urging his congregation
+to pray _pour nos ames_. Nowhere outside the Fatherland, I should
+imagine, would prisoners be forbidden to pray even _pour nos armes_, and
+the stupidity of the misunderstanding is typical enough. The cheerful
+dignity shown by prisoners under provocation makes a fine contrast to
+such pitiful smallness, and of that this little book is a notable
+record.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I suppose it would not be possible to travel in the Pacific without a
+fountain-pen and a note-book. At all events this seems a privation from
+which the staunchest of our literary adventurers have hitherto shrunk.
+Do not however regard this as anything more than a casual observation,
+certainly not as implying any complaint against so agreeable a volume as
+_Voyaging in Wild Seas_ (MILLS AND BOON). There must be many among the
+countless admirers of Mr. JACK LONDON who will be delighted to read this
+intimate journal of his travellings in remote waters, written by the
+wife who accompanied him, and who is herself, as she proves on many
+pages, one of the most enthusiastic of those admirers. You may say there
+is nothing very much in it all, but just some pleasant sea-prattle about
+interesting ports and persons, and a number of photographs rather more
+intimate than those that generally illustrate the published travel-book.
+But the general impression is jolly. Stevensonians will be especially
+curious over the visit to Samoa, concerning her first impressions of
+which Mrs. LONDON writes: "As the _Snark_ slid along, we began to
+exclaim at the magnificent condition of this German province--the
+leagues of copra plantation, extending from the shore up into the
+mountainous hinterland, thousands of close-crowded acres of heavy green
+palms." This was in May, 1908. Vailima was at that time the residence of
+the German Governor (a desecration since happily removed); but the
+LONDONS were able to explore the gardens and peep in at the rooms whose
+planning STEVENSON had so enjoyed. Later of course they climbed to the
+lonely mountain grave of "the little great man"--a phrase oddly
+reminiscent of one in an unpublished letter of RUPERT BROOKE (about the
+same expedition) that I had just been reading. Mrs. LONDON deserves our
+thanks for letting us share so interesting a holiday in these restricted
+days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+N MEMORY OF "MARTIN ROSS"
+
+(Violet Martin).
+
+  With _Flurry's_ Hounds, and you our guide,
+  We've learned to laugh until we cried;
+  Dear MARTIN ROSS, the coming years
+  Find all our laughter lost in tears.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, JANUARY 19, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22610.txt or 22610.zip *******
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