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diff --git a/22610-8.txt b/22610-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b3f18c --- /dev/null +++ b/22610-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2111 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +January 19, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 19, 1916 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 15, 2007 [eBook #22610] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 150, JANUARY 19, 1916*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22610-h.htm or 22610-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/1/22610/22610-h/22610-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/1/22610/22610-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +JANUARY 19, 1916. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +In a description of Lord KITCHENER'S home at Broome Park we read that on +the way there one passes a kind of crater known by the rustics as "Old +England's Hole." And a little farther on you come to the man who got Old +England out of it. + + *** + +A German professor advocates the appointment of State matrimonial +agents. Elderly and experienced ladies and gentlemen should be employed +to bring young people together, and "unostentatiously to give them +practical counsel, conveying their remarks tactfully, and in such a way +as not to awaken the spirit of contradiction found in youthful minds;" +paying due regard, moreover, to theories of eugenics and heredity. The +Winged Boy disguised as an antique German professor makes an attractive +picture. + + *** + +Some anxiety was caused in America by the news that the FORD Peace party +was to meet in the Zoo at the Hague. But they have all emerged safely. + + *** + +The Governor of South Carolina, who was one of the members of this +heroic mission, left the Hague in a great hurry and returned to America +before the rest of the delegates. Much curiosity is expressed as to what +the Governor of North Carolina will have to say to him on this occasion. + + *** + +In spite of the Government's official discouragement of any further rise +in wages a demand for an increase of no less than 33-1/3 per cent, has +been made by the "knockers-up" in the Manchester district. For going +round in the chill hours of the morning and wakening the workers, these +blood-suckers (chiefly old men and cripples) receive at present the +princely remuneration of threepence per head per week; and they have now +the effrontery to ask for fourpence. + + *** + +The German Government has decided to raise the charge for telegrams. +WOLFF'S Bureau has instructed its correspondents that in order to meet +this new impost the percentage of truth in its despatches must be still +further diminished. + + *** + +Before the opening of the Luxemburg Parliament two members of the +Opposition threw the chairs belonging to Ministers out of the window. It +is feared that something of the kind may be attempted at Westminster, +since several Members have been observed to cast longing eyes upon the +Treasury Bench. + + *** + +With a view to increasing the food-supply the German Government have +extended the time for shooting hares from January 16th to February 1st, +and for pheasants from February 1st to March 1st. The dachshund season, +we understand, will be continued for the duration of the War. + + *** + +Count KOSPOTH, a member of the Prussian Upper House, in the course of an +energetic plea for economy, remarks that "at one's country-seat one can +very well do without a motor-car, and even with two to four horses in +stables instead of six or eight." This was read with great satisfaction +by the Berlin _Hausfrau_ on a meatless day when the bread-card was +exhausted. + + *** + +The House of Commons was quite relieved when Sir GEORGE REID took his +seat. There had been some fears that he would take two. + + *** + +A young woman who mistook Vine-street police station for a tavern, and +was fined ten shillings for drunkenness, is reported to have expressed +the opinion that there is room for improvement in the nomenclature of +our public edifices. + + *** + +"My grave doubt," writes a Conscientious Objector regarding his fellows, +"is whether there is any reasonable chance that most of them will be +able to convince a tribunal that their conscientious objection is real." +It may comfort him to know that his doubt is very widely shared. + + *** + +"DEAR MR. PUNCH," writes a soldier at the Front who has been reading the +Parliamentary reports,--"Do you think an officer out here who developed +'conscientious objections' might get a week's leave?" + + *** + +In the course of a debate in the Reichstag on the German Press Bureau it +was revealed that the Censor had struck out quotations from GOETHE as +being dangerous to the State. Our man who tinkered with KIPLING is +wonderfully bucked by this intelligence. + + *** + +Bread is the staff of life, and, in the view of certain officers in the +trenches, whose opinions we cannot of course guarantee, the life of the +Staff is one long loaf. + + *** + +Extracted from the report of an enthusiastic company commander after a +brisk action with some tribesmen on the Indian Frontier: "The men were +behaving exactly as if on ceremonial parade. They laughed and talked the +whole time...." We seem to recognise that parade. + + * * * * * + +Extract from letter from an Unconscientious Slacker. + +[Illustration: "DEAR LORD KITCHENER,--I am not a good walker, which +prevents my joining the Infantry. As I have no experience of horses, the +Cavalry is also out of the question. The Artillery I don't care for on +account of the noise, and flying makes me giddy. The A.S.C. does not +appeal to me, and the R.A.M.C. would entail some very unpleasant duties. + +"So you had better not worry about me. Perhaps when the fine weather +comes I may think about the Navy. I am rather keen on boating...."] + + * * * * * + + "We have from the first declared that should the voluntary + system fail to supply the men needed to win the war and who + could be spared from civil war we would accept and support it." + + _Manchester Guardian._ + +Unfortunately, to judge by the proceedings at the Labour Conference, the +claims of civil war are very heavy. + + * * * * * + +This paragraph from "Town Topics" in _The Liverpool Echo_-- + + "We know that many of our men--especially the single ones, + judging by the Derby figures--are sheltering behind skirts"-- + +helps to explain this one:-- + + "Several lady tram-conductors in the city declare they are + denied the common courtesies far more by women passengers of the + female gender than by men." + +The insistence upon the sex of the uncivil females is necessary to +distinguish them from the male civilians. + + * * * * * + + "FURNISHED house (small) wanted in Edinburgh; with ballroom, h. + & c."--_Scotsman._ + +Hot for the chaperons and cold for the dancers. + + * * * * * + +TO THE PRO-SHIRKERS. + +[Thirty-nine Members voted against the Second Reading of the +Military Service Bill.] + + You that in civilian lobbies, + While the battle-thunder rolls, + Hug your little party hobbies, + So to save your little souls, +Treating England's deadly peril like a topic for the polls; + + Half of you--the record's written-- + Lately strode to Downing Street + And for love of Little Britain + Wallowed at the PREMIER's feet, +Urging him to check the wanton waste of our superfluous Fleet. + + Had your passionate prayer been granted + And the KAISER got his way, + Teuton crushers might be planted + On our hollow tums to-day, +And a grateful foe be asking what you want for traitors' pay. + + Disappointed with the Navy, + You in turn were keen about + Putting Thomas in the gravy, + Leaving Thomas up the spout, +Lest if adequately aided he should wipe the strafers out. + + Well, our memories may be rotten, + Yet they'll stick to you all right; + Not so soon shall be forgotten + Those whose hearts were fixed more tight +On the salvage of a fetish than the winning of the fight. + + When the Bosches bite the gutter + And we let our tongues go loose, + Franker words I hope to utter + In the way of free abuse, +But at present I am badly hampered by the party truce. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +WHITTLING THEM DOWN. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I know you must be longing to have my analysis of the +Derby figures. I hasten to comply, for I may say that I have never, +since the War began, had finer scope for my individual talents. Never +have I had--not even in the great Copper Controversy--a bunch of figures +of which it may more truly be said that they are not what they seem, +that there is more in them than meets the eye, and that they contain +wheels within wheels. And first of all, Sir, I hope you will allow me to +explain where I am in this matter; everybody's doing it; and you will +then see at once the moral grandeur of my attitude. I am a convinced +believer in the Voluntary System, always have been--on principle. But I +am willing to sacrifice even that for victory. If it can be shown that +by compulsion _one single man_ can be added to our forces who would not +have volunteered (even if he had been scientifically bullied), I will be +willing to adopt conscription. But, Sir, it cannot be shown. + +The crux of the situation admittedly lies with the figures of the Single +Men. (In case of misapprehension I should make it clear that when I +spoke above of "one single man" I did not mean one unmarried man, but +one sole man). We have to begin our attack upon this figure of 651,160 +unstarred single men unaccounted for. It seems a good many. But wait a +bit. We shall now proceed to concentrate a powerful succession of +deductions. It only needs a fearless and patriotic ingenuity. + +Let us not disregard obvious facts. From this number +we must subtract-- + +(1) Ministers of religion 5 per cent. +(2) Mercantile Marine 5 " +(3) Medically unfit 40 " +(4) Criminals 1-3/4 " +(5) Badged 10 " +(6) Indispensables 10 " + +Total 71-3/4 per cent. You see we are already getting on. But before +going any further we had better consolidate the ground already won by +making certain additions, in case any one man has been counted twice. +These are-- + +(1) Ministers of religion who are also medically unfit. +(2) Criminals in the mercantile marine. +(3) Ministers of religion in the mercantile marine. +(4) Criminals who are medically unfit. +(5) Indispensable criminals. +(6) Badged criminal ministers of religion. + +These categories taken together may be put at 7-1/4 per cent. of our +71-3/4 per cent., and must be deducted from the deductions. There are +also the blind, halt and maimed, deaf, dumb and inebriate, but I am +willing to throw all of them in so as to be on the safe side. + +So far we have to deduct, then, some 66-1/2 per cent. from our total. We +must do better than that if we are to get on the right side of +negligibility. So now we come to examine the canvass. A good many men +were not canvassed, or at least misunderstood the canvasser. I know of +one man in my constituency (unstarred, unbadged, fit, single and of army +age) who thought the fellow had come to collect for Foreign Missions, to +which he has a conscientious objection. + +Along with these I propose to deduct the great class of what I shall +call the Self-centred. These are they who not only were never canvassed, +but didn't even so much as hear about it, who had probably given up +newspapers as a war economy and were living quiet virtuous lives in +out-of-the-way places. Add to them removals and conscientious objectors +(_less_ allowance for conscientious removals) and we have a total not +short of 27-1/2 per cent. + +Then again, as the supply of recruits becomes exhausted, it must always +be remembered that we are dealing with a residuum. That is to say, those +that remain are always growing more conscientious, more criminal, more +unfit, more mercantile and so on. However, I count nothing for that, for +I haven't much of my total left to dispose of, and I have still to deal +with spoiled cards. + +Everyone who has assisted at a contested election knows very well that +many mistakes occur. I propose to allow 3 per cent. for illegible cards +which prevented the canvasser from tracking his prey, 4 per cent. for +those who failed to find the recruiting office owing to misdirection, +but will be sure to find it before long, and 1/2 per cent. for sundries, +such as men who were temporarily confined to the house. + +Our final result is thoroughly satisfactory, and one that must give +Compulsionists some food for thought, for however much they may wish to +introduce the principle they cannot desire to reduce our forces in the +field in the middle of a great war. In a word, we must deduct 101-1/2 +per cent. from 651,160. That gives us an adverse balance of 9,767. This +means that, if the present Bill is to go through and compulsion is +definitely adopted, nearly half a division of our present army must be +disbanded forthwith. It is just as well that we should see clearly what +we are heading for. + +It has given me great pleasure to have the opportunity of clearing up +this vexed question. + +I am, Yours as usual, + +STATISTICIAN. BIS. + + * * * * * + +FOR NEUTRALS. + +[Illustration: "Why do we torpedo passenger ships? Because we are being +starved by the infamous English."] + +FOR NATIVES. + +[Illustration: "Who says we are in distress? Look what our splendid +organisation is doing!"] + + * * * * * + +THE IRREPRESSIBLES. + +[Illustration: _Nurse_ (_of private hospital_). "A message has just come +in to ask if the hospital will make a little less noise, as the lady +next door has a touch of headache."] + + * * * * * + +EVEN. + + ["Even the food of the men was wholesome and + abundant."--_Report_ of a German Correspondent who visited the + High Canal Fleet.] + + Sing ho! for the Fleet in the Kiel Canal. + Where every man is the KAISER's pal, + And lives upon beer and bread; + And they all have food, so help them BILL! + For every officer gets his fill + And even the men are fed. + + His beard as long as his hair is short, + VON TIRPITZ says with a mighty snort, + "We've money and men and boats; + We're here to-day and we're here to-morrow; + Pass up the beer and drink death to sorrow; + Why, even our Navy floats! + + "Behind the locks of our snug retreat + We hurl defiance at JELLICOE'S Fleet + From Rosyth down to Dover! + We look across at the wet, wet sea + And we drink our beer till even we + Are almost half-seas over! + + "Our men can eat, and they even drink; + They walk and talk, and they almost think; + They can turn to the left and right; + And when we strike a blow in the back, + Or sink a liner or fishing-smack, + By Odin, they even fight!" + + * * * * * + +Two headlines that appeared side by side in the same issue of an Evening +Paper:-- + +"WOMAN WILL PROBABLY BE TRIED IN CAMERA. + +GERMAN FEARS FOR LENS." + + * * * * * + + "'Most of the world's real literature was written by poor + authors in their garrets.' + + 'Quite so. Homer, for example, wrote in the Attic.'"--_Evening + Paper._ + +Did he now? And we were always taught that he wrote (or, rather, sang) +in the Ionic. + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Clyde disputes:-- + + "Contrary to the instructions of the Munitions Ministry, + peace-prices are sometimes reduced, with resulting friction." + + _Daily News._ + +We are glad to learn that the Scotch workmen do not belong to the +peace-at-any-price brigade. + + * * * * * + +THE CONQUEST. + +Every January so long as I can remember it has been difficult; but this +year more so than ever. I cannot say why, except that last year was +peculiarly eventful and momentous. + +The odd thing is that one begins so well. For the first day, at any +rate, one can do it quite easily; but it is after then that one has to +be vigilant; and however vigilant one is there are off-guard moments +when the fatal slip occurs. + +Nor will any mechanical device assist you, for nothing can successfully +defeat the wandering of the mind. Continuous concentration is an +impossibility; there is nothing for it but habit--a new habit that shall +be as strong as the old--or the total cessation of all correspondence +and (O that 'twere possible!) all making out of cheques. + +Still conquest comes sooner or later, and I have reached that point in +my own struggle. I have at last finally got over the tendency to write +1915. + + * * * * * + + "As a result of the Labour Conference at Westminster yesterday, + a resolution was sunk on Lake Tanganyika."--_Western Daily + Press._ + +The best place for it. + + * * * * * + +A NEW THEATRICAL VENTURE. + +A friend of mine has started as manager of his first theatre these +holidays. It may seem to you an unpropitious moment for such a +beginning, but in many ways this special theatre is exceptionally well +guaranteed against failure. The proprietor was kind enough to invite my +presence at his opening performance. As a matter of fact I had myself +put up the money for it. + +Naturally I was anxious for the thing to be a success. The theatre +stands on what you could truthfully call a commanding situation at one +end of the schoolroom table. It is an elegant renaissance edifice of +wood and cardboard, with a seating accommodation only limited by the +dimensions of the schoolroom itself, and varying with the age of the +audience. The lighting effects are provided in theory by a row of oil +foot-lamps, so powerful as to be certain, if kindled, to consume the +entire building; in practice, therefore, by a number of candle-ends, +stuck in the wings on their own grease. These not only furnish +illumination, but, when extinguished (as they constantly are by falling +scenery) produce a penetrating aroma which is specially dear to the +managerial nostrils. + +The manager, to whom I have already had the pleasure of introducing you, +is Peter. I have been impatiently waiting for the moment of Peter's +first theatre, these nine years. Like marbles or _Treasure Island_, it +is at once a landmark and a milestone in the present-giving career of an +uncle. So I had devoted some considerable care to its selection. + +In one respect Peter's theatre reminds me of the old Court in the days +of the VEDRENNE-BARKER repertory. You recall how one used to see the +same people at every performance, a permanent nucleus of spectators that +never varied? The difference is that Peter's permanent nucleus are +neither so individually agreeable nor in any true sense enthusiasts of +the drama. Indeed, being painted on the proscenium, with their backs to +the stage, the effect they produce is one of studied indifference. Nay +more, a horrible suspicion about them refused to be banished from my +thoughts; it was based partly upon the costumes of the ladies, partly on +the undeniably Teutonic suggestion in the gentlemen's uniforms. However, +I said nothing about this to Peter. + +Despite the presence of these unpleasing persons, the opening +performance must be pronounced a real success. Perhaps more as a +spectacle than anything else. Scenically the show was a triumph; the +memory of the Forest Glade especially will remain with me for weeks by +reason of the stiff neck I got from contorting myself under Peter's +guidance to the proper angle for its appreciation. But histrionically it +must be confessed that things dragged a little. Perhaps this was due to +a certain severity, not to say baldness, in the dialogue as spoken. Not +having read the script, I have a feeling that it might be unfair to +judge the unknown author by the lines as rendered by Peter, who was +often pre-occupied with other anxieties. As, for example, the scene in +the Baronial Castle between its noble but unscrupulous proprietor and a +character introduced by Peter with the simple notice: "This is a +murderer coming on now." + +_Baron._ Oh, are you a murderer? + +_Murderer._ Yes. + +_Bar._ Oh, well, you've got to murder the Princess. + +_Murd._ All right. + +_Bar._ That's all of that scene. + +Crisp, of course, and to the point; but I feel sure that there must have +been more in the interview as originally written. + +Perhaps, again, the cast was to blame for whatever may have been +disappointing in the performance. Individually they were a fine company, +passionate and wiry of gesture, and full of energy. Indeed their chief +fault sprang from an incapacity to remain motionless in repose. This led +to a notable lack of balance. However sensational it may be for the exit +of every character to bring down the house, its effect is unfortunately +to retard the action of the piece. + +Personally I consider that the women were the worst offenders. Take the +heroine, for example. Lovely she may have been, though in a style more +appreciated by the late GEORGE CRUIKSHANK than by myself; but looks are +not everything. Art simply didn't exist for her. Revue might have been +her real line; or, better still, a strong-woman turn on the Halls. There +was the episode, for instance, where, having to prostrate herself before +the Baron, she insisted upon a backward exit (with the usual result) and +then made an acrobatic re-entrance on her knees. + +Tolerant as he was, even Peter began at last to grow impatient at the +vagaries of his company. Finally, when the Executioner (a mere walker-on +of no importance whatever) had twice brought ridicule upon the ultimate +solemnities of the law by his introduction of comic dives off the +scaffold, the manager rang down the curtain. Not before it was time. + +"They're lovely to look at," he observed, surveying the supine cast, +"but awfully difficult to do anything with." + +"Peter," I answered gratefully, "as an estimate of the theatrical +profession your last remark could hardly be improved upon." + +Of course he didn't understand; but, being dramatist as well as uncle, I +enjoyed saying it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Nervous Country Gentleman_ (_as taxi just misses an +island_). "Do drive carefully, please. I'm not accustomed to taxis." + +_Driver_ "That's funny! I ain't used to 'em, neither. As a matter o' +fact I've only taken this on for a bet."] + + * * * * * + + "February 3.--A total eclipse of the sun, partly visible at + Greenwich as a partial eclipse. Eclipse begins to be visible at + Greenwich at 4.31 P. M.; ends after the sun has set." + + "February 3.--A partial eclipse of the moon, partly visible at + Greenwich. Begins at 4.31 P. M."--_Churchman's Almanack._ + +This double obscuration will make navigation very difficult for +sky-pilots. + + * * * * * + +BADGES. + +My companion had the habit of muttering to himself and I was relieved +when he leant over and spoke to me. He was a dry little man of middle +age, with a nervous kindly face and eyes that twinkled with the +voluntary spirit. I had seen him on summer evenings clipping his hedge +and pruning his roses, for we lived nearly opposite to each other. +Suddenly he emerged from his newspaper and said in a quick determined +way, "What this country wants, Sir, is more buttonholes. The best suits +have only two buttonholes; that is to say, only two that are +superfluous, the rest are all needed by buttons. It's a scandal, Sir!" + +"Isn't there one at the bottom of the waistcoat?" I asked. + +"Quite useless," he said with much energy, though smiling very kindly. +"Quite useless for the purpose. The matter," he added, "would not be so +urgent if we had more sleeves. Worse even than the dearth of buttonholes +is the lack of eligible sleeves. In peace time two sleeves may have been +sufficient; to-day ... Well, you can sympathise." He looked (still +smiling) at the khaki armlet that bound my arm and the Special +Constable's badge that nestled in my overcoat. + +He had the shy decisiveness of a man who seldom spoke his mind. If +necessary I would have wrested his name from him and pretended a +relationship with his wife. But he needed no encouragement. + +"At the beginning, when one was just a special constable, it didn't +matter so much. I wore my badge and my armlet when I was on duty and +sometimes when I was not. Even when I joined our Volunteer Corps I was +not seriously embarrassed. After all, one could alternate the badges and +the armlets and, at a pinch, wear them all together. Then I became an +unskilled munition worker, which meant three badges and two armlets. At +first I wore two on my overcoat and three inside. Then I would give some +of them a rest, generally to find that I was wearing the wrong ones on +the wrong occasions. Altogether it was very confusing." + +"So far," I said with some sympathy, "I can follow you. I am myself an +unskilled War Office clerk; but you have forgotten Lord DERBY'S armlet, +which at the moment has the place of honour with me." + +"No," he said, "I have that too. And I have another badge. I earned it +on New Year's Day." + +He took off his spectacles and rubbed them mechanically. It gave him a +very detached appearance and he spoke gently, without malice. + +"I have an aunt," he said, "by self-election, a most worthy woman, who +was my mother's cousin. It came to her ears that I had become a +teetotaler for the duration of the war. It appears that there is a badge +for temporary teetotalers. She brought me one. She begged me with tears +in her eyes to wear it. I remonstrated. I pointed out that if every +public and private virtue is to be symbolised in this fashion, people +with few vices and a willing heart would soon be perpetually in +fancy-dress." + +"And what happened?" I asked. + +"I wavered for a time and then happily I found a way out. A few days ago +it occurred to me that there must be other means, as yet untried, of +advertising one's patriotism. I saw a notice in a restaurant I sometimes +go to, 'No Germans or Austrians Employed Here.' 'Happy proprietor,' I +said, 'who can so trumpet his honesty without increasing either his +badges or his armlets!' The fact is that it set me thinking. Eventually +I hit on a plan. It was very disappointing to my aunt, but it answers +wonderfully." + +"May I ask?" I said; "it might be useful." + +"Oh, certainly, certainly. We have bought a little enamelled plate and +had it fixed to our gate. You may have noticed it. It has the words, 'No +Bottles.'" + + * * * * * + +THE MASCOT. + +[Illustration: _Adoring Damsel._ "And you _will_ wear it always, _won't_ +you?" + +_Popular young Sub._ "Thanks awfully. It's frightfully decent of you, +and all that, but--er--you see, there's a lot of other little chaps +waitin' to do their bit; I'm afraid he'll have to take his turn with the +rest." ] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--You didn't catch sight of any mention of me in +despatches, did you? I have been rather too busy myself to read the list +properly, but I did just have time to cast a casual eye over the "H's," +and I didn't notice the name of "Henry" standing out in heavy-leaded +capitals. It must be an inadvertence, of course. They must have said +something about me, as, for instance: "Especially to be remarked is the +noble altruism of Lieut. Henry, who on more than one march has been +observed to take his pack, containing all his worldly goods, off his +back and to hand it without ostentation to some lucky driver of a +limber, saying, 'Take it, my lad; your need is greater than mine.'" Or +again, referring to my later career: "The pen is mightier than the +sword, but Lieut. Henry's indelible pencil, when engaged on official +correspondence, is mightier than both." Or at least, at the very +beginning of things, I'm quite sure the Mentioner devoted a passing +phrase to me: "By the way, I have just received a consignment described +on the Movement Order as 'Officer, one, Henry, Lieut.' Speaking frankly +as between ourselves, what is it exactly? In any case I would gladly +exchange for a dozen tins of bully beef." + +Talking of despatches, I see that our old friend the Regimental +Anarchist has not escaped notice. I never thought he would, for a less +unnoticeable man I don't remember meeting. He is one of those big untidy +fellows, very nice for purposes of war and all that, whom not the +cleverest adjutant could manage to conceal on a ceremonial parade. His +service equipment alone was notorious in the division. While we were +still in England he and I used to share a billet. Every night the last +thing I saw before going to sleep was the Anarchist trying on a new +piece of personal furniture. He had at least a hundred aunts, and each +of them had at least a hundred bright ideas; besides which few days went +by but he paid a generous visit to the military outfitter. Never in my +life shall I forget the sight of him during our last moments at home. +While others were stuffing into themselves the last good meal they +expected to taste for three years or the duration, he was putting on +patent waterproof after patent waterproof. He stepped forth at last, +sweating at every pore, and it wasn't raining at the time and didn't +look like raining till next winter. The 38-lb. limit prevented his +putting more than four coats into his valise, and his method of packing +didn't economise space. If there had been any limit, however generous, +to the amount of room an officer may occupy in the column of route we'd +have had to go abroad without our Anarchist, and a much quieter and more +respectable life we'd have had that way. + +Even in our earliest days in B.E.F., when we were well behind the firing +line, he started playing with fire. Thinking that we shared his low +tastes he would gather us round him and lecture us on the black +arts.--"This little fellow," he would say, fetching an infernal machine +out of his pocket--"this little fellow is as safe as houses provided he +has no detonator in his little head. But we will just make sure." A +flutter of excitement would pass round the audience as he started +unscrewing the top to make sure. "Of course," he'd continue, finding the +screw a bit stiff and getting absorbed in his toy--"of course, if there +_should_ happen to be a detonator inside, you have only to tickle it and +almost anything may happen." While he'd be struggling with the screw, +the front row of the audience would be shifting its ground to give the +back rows a better view. "You can't be too careful," he'd say, passing +it lightly from one hand to the other in order to search for his +well-known clasp-knife, "for if you're not careful," he'd explain, +tucking the bomb under his arm so as to have both hands free to open the +knife--"if you're not careful," he'd say, suddenly letting go the knife +in order to catch the bomb as it slid from his precarious hold--"if +you're not very careful" (getting to real business with the murderous +blade), "very--very--careful...." But none of us were ever near enough +by that time to hear what would happen if we weren't (or even if he +wasn't). + +And then those strange nights in the trenches, when he and I used to be +on duty together! I would be waiting in our luxurious, brightly-lit +gin-palace of a dug-out for him to join me at our midnight lunch. He'd +come in at last, clad in his fleece lining, the only survivor of his +extensive collection of overcoats, its absence of collar giving him a +peculiarly clerical look. He'd sit down to his cocoa, but hardly be +started on the day before yesterday's newspaper (just arrived with the +rations) before the private bombardment would begin. I would spring to +attention; he would go on reading. "Hush!" I'd say. (Why "Hush!" I don't +know.) "What's all that for?" "Me," he'd say, turning to the personal +column. And then I'd know that, seizing the opportunity of being +unobserved, he'd been out for nocturnal stroll with a handful of bombs, +seeking a little innocent pleasure. The gentlemen opposite, not being +cricketers themselves or knowing anything about the slow bowler, had, as +usual, mistaken him for a trench mortar and were making a belated reply. + +Only his servant accompanied him on these jaunts. He was a nice quiet +villain, whose lust for adventure had, I always imagine, been long ago +satisfied by a dozen or so gentle burglaries in his civilian past. He +didn't want to kill people; his job in life was to keep his master alive +and well fed. So when the latter went out bombing he thought he might as +well go out with him, and occupy himself picking turnips for to-morrow's +stew. + +When the Anarchist wasn't distributing bombs he was collecting bullets. +Being untidy by nature, he didn't particularly care where they hit him, +provided they didn't damage his pipe. That was all he cared about, his +lyddite and his tobacco. I often wonder how it was he didn't get the two +habits of his life mixed up--fill a pipe with H.E., light it and finish +off that way. But he didn't; he has just gone on collecting lead, +letting it accumulate about his person until it got too heavy to be +convenient and then resorting to the nearest hospital to have it +removed. I hear he's there now, the result, I gather, of a bit of a +show. It was his servant who was walking about that unhealthy field at +that imprudent time and found him. One would like to paint a romantic +picture of the meeting, but I doubt if there was much romance about it. +I am quite sure all the Anarchist cared about was his tobacco pouch and +all the servant was interested in was the further collection of +vegetables, just in case. + +I can see our Anarchist, lying in his little white bed in the hospital, +surrounded by his sevenpenny racing novels (with or without covers), his +tins of navy-cut (some empty, some full), his fleece lining, his +compass, his socks, his field-glasses, his ties, his revolver and his +last month's letters (some opened, some not), all jumbled happily +together, with his ragged old shaving-brush reigning proudly in the +midst. I doubt if he knows he's been "mentioned," for one could never +get him to take interest in any news which wasn't "sporting"; possibly +he is made suspicious by the uncomfortable presence of unopened +telegrams in all corners of his bed. But one thing I do hope, and that +is that this bed is, at any rate, not strewn, inside and out, with +unexploded hand-grenades. + +Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +WARFARE AT THE BARBER'S. + +[Illustration: "What do you think of the paper this morning, Sir?"] + +[Illustration: "Quite time we had compulsion, eh?"] + +[Illustration: "No good shutting our eyes to facts."] + +[Illustration: "What we want is more energy."] + +[Illustration: "Of course mistakes will happen"--] + +[Illustration: "And it's no good pouring cold water on enthusiasm."] + +[Illustration: "I'm hoping for that 'forward push' in the Spring."] + +[Illustration: "Well, it will be a great relief when it's all over."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRUSSIAN DREAM OF PEACE IN THE SPRING.] + + * * * * * + +PROVINCIAL PATRIOTS. + +_From Jim Figgis, Whitty Bridge, to George Roberts, South Farm, +Sudborough._ + +_Dec. 5th._ 1915. + +DEAR GEORGE,--I hear the remount officer is coming round your part. I +have a compact little bay horse, just the sort for the Army. We must all +do our bit now, so here's our chance. The Vet says the horse has +laminitis in his off fore foot, but it's all my eye. Anyhow he's the +useful sort they require for the Army. They wouldn't look at me if I +offered him, but you can get round them. Give me fifty quid and I'll +send him over. + +Your friend, J. FIGGIS. + + +_From George Roberts to Jim Figgis. + +Dec. 7th,_ 1915. + +DEAR JIM,--Yours to hand. No one can say that you're not a good patriot, +and I won't be No. 2. But fifty quid for that little horse--not me. Say +thirty and he's mine, sound or unsound. + +Yours, G. ROBERTS. + + +_George Roberts to the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone, White Lion Hotel, +Sudborough._ + +_Dec. 10th,_ 1915. + +DEAR SIR,--Hearing you are looking out for horses for the Army I write +to say I have one or two which I shall be pleased to place at your +disposal and at a very reasonable price, as in these times we must all +give up something for the country. I shall be pleased to see you at any +time convenient, except Tuesday, when I have to be at our local +Agricultural Show. + +Yours to command, + +G. ROBERTS. + + +_From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone to George Roberts._ + +_Dec. 11th,_ 1915. + +DEAR SIR,--Thank you for your letter. It is very satisfactory to find +local people of your position anxious to help. I will call at your farm +on Friday next and see the horses you refer to. With thanks, + +Yours truly, M. FOPSTONE. + +P.S.--I have been warned against a man named Figgis. Do you know him? + + +_From George Roberts to the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone._ + +_Dec. 13th,_ 1915. + +DEAR SIR,--Friday will suit me very well for your call, at any time you +please. You are quite right to avoid Figgis; he is one of the small +horse-dealing class who are a discredit to our country districts. Any +further information is at your service. + +Yours to command, G. ROBERTS. + + +_From the Hon. Mordaunt Fopstone to George Roberts._ + +_Dec. 21st_, 1915. + +DEAR MR. ROBERTS,--I have now pleasure in enclosing cheque for £65 for +bay horse. As stated to you when I called at South Farm, I was not in a +position to go beyond £60 without further authorisation; this I have now +obtained. Thanking you for the patriotic spirit you have shown in this +little business, + +Yours truly, M. FOPSTONE. + + +_From the Adjutant, Royal Beetshire Hussars, Tickful Camp, to Messrs. +Davison Bros., The Mart, Southtown._ + +_Jan. 1st,_ 1916. + +Please enter bay gelding, aged, sent herewith, in your next sale without +reserve, as he is not sound and of no use to Army. + + +_Memo. from Davison Bros. to Adjutant._ + +_Jan. 17th_, 1916. + +DEAR SIR,--Herewith please find cheque £5 4s. 3d. for bay gelding, being +amount realised for same, less our commission and expenses. + +Yours faithfully, DAVISON BROS. + + * * * * * + +_The Times_ heads an article, "Unity in the Air." It deals, however, +with the new Anglo-French Aviation Conference and has nothing to do with +the latest _Peter Pan_. + + * * * * * + +GALLIPOLI-AND AFTER? + +[Illustration: Sultan. "CONGRATULATE ME, WILLIAM. NO ENGLISH REMAIN. +I'VE DRIVEN THEM ALL INTO THE SEA!" + +Kaiser. "VERY CARELESS OF YOU. _WHY, THAT'S THEIR ELEMENT!_"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.) + +[Illustration: _The Speaker_ (_lapsing for the first time from +Parliamentary etiquette at the sight of Sir GEORGE REID ready to take +his seat in the House_). "_Advance, Australia_!"] + +_House of Commons, Monday, January 10th_.--In spite of sharp rebuke +administered by SPEAKER last week the PERTINACIOUS PRINGLE to the fore +again--to be precise, to the _Forward_. This the name of weekly paper +that is published in Clyde district, and has of late emerged from +obscurity by "deliberately inciting workers," as LLOYD GEORGE said, "not +to carry out Act of Parliament passed in order to promote the output of +munitions." On motion for adjournment PRINGLE perceived opportunity of +attacking MINISTER OF MUNITIONS. Accused him of suppressing the sheet +because it had reported proceedings at meetings attended by him in +Glasgow, at which his speech was interrupted by noisy minority. This +course of procedure imitated by PRINGLE when LLOYD GEORGE, replying, +quoted passages in the paper making violent attack on the KING and +systematic attempts to stem flood of recruiting. + +"These things," said the MINISTER, in passage loudly cheered, "meant +life or death to our men in the field. They are not suitable matters for +Parliamentary sport. We are dealing in tragedies. I am doing my best to +save the men at the Front. I am entitled to be helped, not to be +harried." + +OUTHWAITE, coming to assistance of PRINGLE, otherwise prangling all +forlorn, jumped upon by Captain CAMPBELL. + +"If I had the Hon. Member in my battalion at the Front," he said, "he +would be strung up by the thumbs before he had been there half-an-hour." + +This scarcely Parliamentary; but it passed the Chair, leaving the +gallant Captain, who modestly wears well-won ribbon of D.S.O., time to +adjure the House to "get on with the War." + +_Business done._--In House barely half full Motion carried calling upon +Government to enter into consultation with the Overseas Dominions in +order to bring economic strength of Empire into co-operation with our +Allies in a policy directed against the enemy. + +_Tuesday._--Said with truth that a speech in the House of Commons, +however forcible and eloquent, rarely influences a vote. Some orators, +however, have gift of stirring the soul to emotions that carry a man to +actions beyond range of conventionality. Such an one is the Right Hon. +THOMAS LOUGH, commonly and affectionately known through several +Parliaments as "Tommy." One of small faction of Liberals who have not +withdrawn opposition to Military Service Bill. Declaiming against it +just now on motion for Second Reading, he described it as a sham. + +"It is not true," he said, "that young unmarried men have held back. On +the contrary they have come forward nobly and in great numbers." + +Vindication of a maligned class so affected somebody seated in the +Strangers' Gallery that he loudly clapped his hands. This a decided +breach of order. The Assyrians (in form of Gallery attendants) came down +upon him like a wolf on the fold. Ordered him to withdraw. He explained +that he was so entirely at one with argument of the Hon. Member for West +Islington that he preferred to remain to listen to continuance of his +speech. Assyrians insistent on his immediate departure. Martial spirit +of young unmarried man roused. Refused to budge. Whereupon the +Assyrians, lifting him out of the seat, carried him forth _vi et +armis_--free translation, by legs and arms. + +From his seat below the Gangway Mr. FLAVIN watched procedure with +wistful eyes. Remembered how towards break of day dawning on an +all-night sitting held towards the close of last century he also was +carried forth shoulder high, not by officers of the House in nice white +shirt fronts, with glittering badges hung round their necks, but by the +common or street policeman helmeted and belted. As he journeyed he sang, +"God save Ireland," his compatriots, more or less attuned, joining in +the chorus. + +Recognition of historical incident sharply marks contrast in attitude of +Irish Members then and now. Still fighting for Home Rule they stopped +short of no outrage upon order, systematically and successfully +obstructing public business. Military Service Bill offers enticing +opportunities for exercise of old tactics. They might, if they pleased, +keep House sitting for weeks fighting Bill in Committee line by line, +word by word, as was their custom of an afternoon, and half-way through +the night, in days of old. Other times other manners. Interposing early +in debate JOHN REDMOND announced that his party, having made their +protest against Bill in Division Lobby on First Reading, would withdraw +from further opposition. + +_Business done_--Second Reading of Military Service Bill moved. + +_Wednesday._--Sir GEORGE REID, having completed term of service as High +Commissioner of Australia, took his seat as Member for St. George's, +Hanover Square. Carefully dismounting at Bar from his native steed he +was introduced by BONAR LAW, Unionist Colonial Secretary, and HARCOURT, +Colonial Secretary in late Liberal Government. This concatenation of +circumstance, testifying to universal esteem and exceptional personal +popularity, unique in Parliamentary records. + +New-comer will serve in double capacity. Nominally Member for St. +George's, he will also be Member for Australia, an innovation that will +probably have wider scope and formal recognition when the Overseas +Dominions have completed their splendid work of helping the Mother +Country to bring the War to triumphant conclusion. + +GEORGE REID'S career on a new stage will be watched with keen interest +in his two antipodal homes. Since, six years ago, he came to London, he +has acquired the reputation of being one of the best after-dinner +speakers of the day. How will the qualities that ensure success in that +direction serve him at Westminster? MACAULAY truly said, "The House of +Commons is the most peculiar audience in the world. A place in which I +would not promise success to any man." + +The MEMBER FOR SARK puts his money (or such portion as is left after +paying War taxes) on the Member for St. George's, Hanover +Square-_cum_-Australia. + +Debate on Second Reading of Military Service Bill resumed. Best thing +said during two days' talk was an incidental remark of BIRRELL'S. +Relating history of Bill in Cabinet he said he had felt it his duty to +say something about Ireland. + +"What I said," he added, "is of course known only to those of my +colleagues who were sitting round the table and to such representatives +of the London Press as were sitting underneath it." + +This hint explains mystery clouding the fact that whilst the secrets of +Cabinet Councils are held to be inviolable there are morning papers able +habitually to give detailed information of what passes behind the locked +and barred doors. + +_Business done._--Second Reading of Military Service Bill carried by 431 +votes against 39. + +_Thursday._--After advancing three minor Government Bills a stage, House +adjourned at 5.30. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sailor (who has been reprimanded by young officer for +not saluting him)._ "Beg pardon, Sir; but you Tommies are all so much +alike." ] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Guest_ (_who has been asked to a theatre dinner-party_). +"I say, I thought--" + +_Host._ "Oh, don't bother about your clothes, old chap. People will only +think you're a bit old-fashioned."] + + * * * * * + +THE OFFICIAL STYLE. + +Extract from an Indian Service register:-- + + "Service Order 41 of 1914, dated 16-10-14. He was appointed + acting Forest Guard and posted to Surumoni beat, in place of + Chowdri Zaicko, Forest Guard, who was devoured by a tiger with + effect from the forenoon of 16th Oct. 1914." + + * * * * * + +AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT. + +Here where the world is quiet except for the noise of the rain trickling +into one's valise through the nooks and crannies of one's rustic +apartment--here where there is no peril from above and no peril from in +front, neither peril of enfilade, here too--it is a Base I am doing this +sentence about--we have our problems. + +To begin with there is the glorious uncertainty of things. Some men are +here to-day and the far side of Wipers to-morrow night. Others arrive +from England thirsting for all sorts of things that no sane man ever +wants to have anything to do with, and are kept doing a bomb course and +a machine-gun course on alternate days for eight months. There is a tale +told of one such who, when he was finally sent to the trenches, was +returned as hopeless after three days because he would do nothing except +sit beside a machine gun trying to fill the belt with grenades. There is +no sadder story in the War. + +Now if I knew for certain that I was going to be here eight months I +could marry and settle down. Or if I knew for certain I was for Wipers +to-morrow night I could make a new will--not that there's anything the +matter with the old one, but I met a man on leave who put me up to some +good tips in will-making--and settle up. But as it is part of our +military system for junior officers not to know anything I dare not even +have my letters forwarded. + +Anyhow, Bases are not what they were in my young days. Of course there +were always parades; but you obviously couldn't parade while you were +busy over some Alternative Necessary Duty. Alternative Necessary Duties +were always my strongest suit. On the evening of my arrival in camp I +would summon the Band Sergeant and provide him with my programme of +work. On Monday he would please arrange for a criminal in my detail. On +Tuesday I would use my influence in the matter of obtaining clothing for +my detail. This would be a very laborious task, involving three +signatures in ink or indelible pencil; but no matter, to a good officer +the comfort of his men comes before everything. On Wednesday I would pay +my men. Rotten job, paying out, but ensures Generous Glow, and no +expense unless you lose the Acquittance Roll. On Thursday I would read +Standing Orders to the latest arrived draft; maybe they had had this +done to them once already, but one cannot be too particular. A private I +know of who had only had Standing Orders read to him once got into awful +trouble through carelessly kicking a recalcitrant corporal on the head. +That just shows you. On Friday--but I weary you, if that be possible. +Suffice it that the Base went very well then. + +The trouble began, as usual, high up. The G.O. Commanding something most +frightfully important inspected one of our parades one morning and found +7,528 other ranks under one Second-Lieutenant. All might have been well +if the Second-Lieutenant had not forgotten to fire the correct salute of +fourteen bombs (or whatever was the correct salute). The G.O.C. +investigated. He searched the woods and delved in the instructional +trenches, but never another officer came to light. So he went home and, +after a bad lunch--we surmise--set himself to abolish Alternative +Necessary Duties in a formal edict. No officer is to absent himself from +a parade except by the express orders of an O.C. Base Depôt. + +This happened several days ago, and the ruling is probably obsolete by +now, but I am wondering how I shall break the news to the G.O.C. if I +should happen to meet him on one of my morning walks into town; and in +my heart of heart I know that one fine morning I shall be cowardly, and +wake before nine, and attend my first parade at army Base. Some zealous +despatch rider will dash hot-foot to the G.O.C. with the news, and he +will come and rub his hands and chuckle and gloat. It will be a Black +Day. + +Here too there are minor points of etiquette that vex one. Is it correct +for me, having bought half a kilo of chocolates while waiting for a +train, to kill further time by eating them out of a paper bag under the +surveillance of an A.S.C. sergeant? or ought I to offer a few to the +sergeant with some _jeu d'esprit_--never coarse and never cruel--about +bully beef? Of such are the complexities with which a Base harasses the +soul of an officer nurtured in the genial simplicity of trench life. + + * * * * * + +From an account of the Peace demonstration in Berlin:-- + + "The people simply turned up themselves, and everyone was highly + turned up themselves, and everyone was highly pleased with the + result."--_Egyptian Mail._ + +It seems to have been a complete revolution. + + * * * * * + +LITERARY LISPINGS. + +The "motive" of Mrs. Pumfrey Lord's new novel is Christian Science, and +the hero, the Duke of Southminster, is understood to be a composite +portrait of Lord ROSEBERY and Mr. GLADSTONE. The character of the evil +genius of the plot, Lord Rufus Doldrum, is partly modelled on +ALCIBIADES, but in its main lines is reminiscent of Mrs. EDDY and Major +WINSTON CHURCHILL. On the other hand the eccentric Lord Wymondham, who +creates a sensation by appearing at a Cabinet meeting in +accordion-pleated pyjamas, is understood to be an entirely imaginary +personage. The novel, which has been running in _Wanamaker's Weekly_, +will shortly be published by the Strongmans. + + +A Poet who Counts. + +Mr. Ouseley Pampfield, who has been recuperating at Buxton after +spraining his ankle while getting out of his magnificent motor, is now +seeing his new volume of poems through the press. Under the arresting +title of _The Soul of a Passivist_ they will shortly be published by the +firm of Coddler and Slack. + + +The Jimmisons Again. + +The Long Lanes will shortly publish a new "Jimmison" novel, The +_Factota_. The heroine is a young lady enamoured of the doctrine of the +economic independence of women. She enters a Draper's Emporium in +Manchester and works her way up to the post of manager, but heads a +strike of the work-girls. The claims of romance, however, are not +overlooked, for in the long run _Retta Carboy_--for that is her charming +name--wins the hand and heart of the junior partner's chauffeur, who +turns out to be son of the Earl of Ancoats. The scene in which the +Rolls-Royce, frightened by the sight of some Highland cattle, executes a +cross-cut counter-rocking skid, is one of the finest things the +Jimmisons have ever done. + + +Armageddon in the Making. + +Governesses, so long the butt of unkindly satire, have at last come by +their own. Miss Bertha Bowlong, who was governess to the KAISER in the +late "sixties," is shortly about to publish her reminiscences of her now +all-too-notorious pupil. Strange to say it never occurred to her to set +them down till quite recently, nearly fifty years after the event. The +book, which is now announced by the Talboys, is rich in illuminating +anecdotes of the future WAR LORD, as well as vivid portraits of MOLTKE, +BISMARCK, TREITSCHKE, MÜNCHHAUSEN, Eulenspiegel, Dudelsack and other +luminaries of the Prussian capital. + + +The Charm of Cannibalism. + +Miss Ermyntrude Stuggy (Mrs. Raymond Blott), whose extraordinary novel, +_The Lurid Lady_, was described by Father BERNARD VAUGHAN as the most +"precipitous" book he had ever preached on, has returned to England +after two years' residence among the cannibals of the Solomon Islands. +Hence the title of her forthcoming volume, _The Adorable Anthropophagi_, +which is already announced by Messrs. Hybrow and Garbidge. The contents +explain why Mr. Blott has heroically preferred to remain with the +cannibals. + + +Major Finch's Great Discovery. + +Major Hector Finch, the famous Nationalist M.P., philosopher, +psychologist and scholar, has made a remarkable literary discovery. It +is that _Johnson's Dictionary_ is not, as is generally supposed, the +work of BEN JONSON, but of SAMUEL JOHNSON, the son of a Lichfield +bookseller. This epoch-making revelation, briefly and modestly outlined +in a letter to _The Daily Chronicle_, will be set forth in detail in a +massive volume of 1,000 pages, with a portrait of the author, to be +issued shortly by the House of Swallow and Gull. + + +Odds and Ends. + +_The Vegetarians_, a novel with a strong dietetic interest by Janet +Melinda Didham, is announced by the firm of Gherkin Mark. + +_The Molly Monologues_ is the alluring title of a volume of sketches by +Richard Turpin, shortly appearing with Pincher and Steel. + +Miss Loofah Windsor, who wrote _The Washpot_, a successful story of last +summer, has just finished a new one of a humorous type, called _What--no +Soap_? which the Dinwiddies will publish in a month or two. + + * * * * * + + "A few lucky corps actually had geese to pave the way for the + Christmas pudding; they were quartered in some place where a + whip round among the officers and a ride to the nearest town or + village secured enough geese to feed a battalion." + + _Jersey Morning News_. + +Somehow we feel that this might have been more tactfully expressed. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Dillon harangued the House for three-quarters of an hour on + militarism, _The Daily Mail_, Suvla BaBy, and sundry other + topics." + + _Daily Mail_. + +An extended report of his remarks on this interesting infant would have +been welcome. + + * * * * * + +ON THE CARDS. + +To many people wholly free from superstition, except that, after +spilling the salt, they are careful to throw a little over the left +shoulder, and do not go out of their way to walk under ladders, and are +not improved in appetite by sitting thirteen at table, and much prefer +that may should not be brought into the house--to these people, +otherwise so free from superstition, it would perhaps be surprising to +know what great numbers of their fellow-creatures resort daily to such +black arts as fortune-telling by the cards. + +Yet quite respectable, God-fearing, church-going old ladies, and +probably old gentlemen too, treasure this practice, to say nothing of +younger and therefore naturally more frivolous folk; and many make the +consultation of the two and fifty oracles a morning habit. + +And particularly women. Those well-thumbed packs of cards that we know +so well are not wholly dedicated to "Patience," I can assure you. + +All want to be told the same thing: what the day will bring forth. But +each searcher into the dim and dangerous future has, of course, +individual methods--some shuffling seven times and some ten, and so +forth, and all intent upon placating the elfish goddess, Caprice. There +is little Miss Banks, for example, but I must tell you about her. + +Nothing would induce little Miss Banks to leave the house in the morning +without seeing what the cards promised her, and so open and +impressionable are her mind and heart that she is still interested in +the colour of the romantic fellow whom the day, if kind, is to fling +across her path. The cards, as you know, are great on colours, all men +being divided into three groups: dark (which has the preference), fair, +and middling. Similarly for you, if you can get little Miss Banks to +read your fate (but you must of course shuffle the pack yourself) there +are but three kinds of charmers: dark (again the most fascinating and to +be desired), fair, and middling. + +It is great fun to watch little Miss Banks at her necromancy. She takes +it so earnestly, literally wrenching the future's secrets from their +lair. + +"A letter is coming to you from some one," she says. "An important +letter." + +And again, "I see a voyage over water." + +Or very seriously, "There's a death." + +You gasp. + +"No, it's not yours. A fair woman's." + +You laugh. "Only a fair woman's!" you say. "Go on." + +But the cards have not only ambiguities, but strange reticences. + +"Oh," little Miss Banks will say, her eyes large with excitement, +"there's a payment of money and a dark man." + +"Good," you say. + +"But I can't tell," she goes on, "whether you pay it to him or he pays +it to you." + +"That's a nice state of things," you say, becoming indignant. "Surely +you can tell." + +"No, I can't." + +You begin to go over your dark acquaintances who might owe you money, +and can think of none. + +You then think of your dark acquaintances to whom you owe money, and are +horrified at their number. + +"Oh, well," you say, "the whole thing's rubbish, anyway." + +Little Miss Banks's eyes dilate with pained astonishment. +"Rubbish!"--and she begins to shuffle again. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_dictating letter to be sent to his wife_). "The +nurses here are a very plain lot--" + +_Nurse._ "Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us." + +_Tommy._ "Never mind, Nurse, put it down. It'll please her!"] + + * * * * * + +From "Notes for the Use of New Chaplains," by an Indian Archdeacon: + + "I have only given advice on matters where, to my own knowledge, + an ignorance of procedure has led to adverse criticism with + regard to breeches of etiquette." + +Somebody seems to have been making fun of the venerable gentleman's +continuations. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. XXXIII. + +(_From Theodore Roosevelt, U.S.A._) + +It's bully to live in a country where you can say what you like about +the bosses, and that, Sir, is what I've been doing and mean to go on +doing to you. There's no manner of question about it, you're the biggest +boss and the most dangerous that we in this country have ever come up +against, and if our Government had only got a right idea of its bounden +duty we should have protested against your conduct, yes, and backed our +protest by our deeds long before this; but the fact is there's too much +milk and water in the blood of some of our big fellows. They whine when +they ought to be up and denouncing, and they crouch and crawl instead of +standing upright like free and fearless men, and giving the devil's +agent the straightest eye-puncher of which the human arm is capable. I +thank Heaven, Sir, that I'm not made on that plan. I'm out to fight +humbug and hypocrisy, even when they masquerade as friendship and +benevolence; and when I see a fellow coming along with hundreds of pious +texts in his mouth, and his hands dripping with the blood of innocent +women and children, why, I've got to say what I think of him or die. For +my own part-- + + "On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk, + Nor lard with Scripture my familiar talk; + For man may pious texts repeat + And yet religion have no inward seat." + +A man called HOOD wrote that nearly eighty years ago, but it's quite +true still. I wonder what he would have written if he'd had the bad luck +to know about you and your disgusting appeals to the Almighty, whom you +treat as if He were always waiting round the corner to be decorated with +the Iron Cross. + +Now mind, I don't want you to deceive yourself. If I dislike you and +feel as if I'd sooner kick you than shake hands with you, it isn't +because I'm a peace-at-any-price man. No man can say that about me +without qualifying for a place within easy reach of ANANIAS; but when I +decide to take part in a scrap--and there's few scraps going that I +don't butt into sooner or later--I like to feel that I've got a bit of +right on my side. But how can _you_ feel that when you over-run Belgium +and burn down Louvain--that's the place that made your heart bleed, +bah!--and when you shoot down Belgian hostages and do to death an +English nurse? All that never seems to strike you. You go on thinking of +yourself as a holy humble man whom everybody wilfully mistakes for a +bully and a tyrant. Well, you can't fool everybody all the time, you +know, and in this case it happens that everybody has got some sound +horse-sense in his head. Who wanted to hurt you? You'd put together a +great army and your commercial prosperity was a pretty good business +proposition. You'd got a navy and you'd got a very meek and submissive +people, which didn't prevent them from being harsh and domineering and +cruel so far as other peoples were concerned. If you wanted to have folk +afraid of you there were plenty to humour you by pretending to tremble +when you frowned and shook your head. But you weren't going to be +satisfied. You must have a war so as to show what a great general you +were, and you shoved on the old man FRANCIS JOSEPH and kept urging him +from behind until everyone got tired by the impossibility of making you +come out fair and square on the side of peace. + +Well, you've got your war, and I hope you like it. This isn't one of +your military promenades. This is hard, long fighting against men whose +only wish was to be left alone. You've forced them to form a trust for +the purpose of trust-busting, and in the end they'll wear you out and +have you beaten to a frazzle in spite of all you can do. You've lost +millions of men and millions of money, and you don't seem to get on with +your final and decisive victory, and you're still the vainest and the +loudest man on earth. Isn't it just about time you saw yourself as the +rest of us see you, an irritable lime-light hero, whose favourite effort +is to sink a _Lusitania_ and pretend he had to do it because he didn't +think she'd go down or because there were too many women and just enough +children in the world? All I can say is that I've had more than enough +of you. + +THEODORE ROOSEVELT. + + * * * * * + +BEYOND THE LIMIT. + + [The German General Staff declares that for air-warfare there + are still lacking international laws of any kind.] + + When Peace lured the Powers to her House at the Hague + With promises specious and welcome though vague + Of a time when the terrors of war should lie hid + And the leopard fall headlong in love with the kid, + She drew up a set of Utopian rules + For the guidance of all the best bellicose schools. + + Among the more notable schemes that she planned + She fashioned them bounds to their methods on land, + Taught the whole of them, too, how humane they could be + If a scrap should occur, as it might, on the sea-- + In a word, pruned the pinions of war everywhere + Save the one place that war could fly into--the air. + + But the Hun, he forswore what he vowed at her shrine, + And behaved like a fiend on the soil and the brine; + Then he turned to his Zepps, and remarked, "I can fly, + And she never laid down any law for the sky; + Here's a chance for some real dirty work to be done;" + And he did it by simply out-Hunning the Hun. + + * * * * * + +How to Save Your Teeth. + +From the Soldiers and Sailors Dental Aid Fund (43, Leicester Square), +which has done exceptional service during the War, comes the story of an +old lady who applied for a set of teeth for her soldier grandson. When +asked if he would know how to take care of them, she replied that she +would give him the benefit of her own experience, having always made it +a rule to remove her artificial teeth at meal times. + + * * * * * + +Two cuttings from one issue of _The Egyptian Mail_:-- + + "TREMENDOUS INCREASE IN RECRUITING. + + ANOTHER 1,000,000,000 MEN WANTED." + + "WANTED proof-reader for the Egyptian Mail." + +It certainly does want one; but for the sake of the gaiety of nations we +trust it won't get him. + + * * * * * + + "With regard to the expeditionary force, the unexampled heroism + and determination of our troops enabled them to establish a + foothold on the tip of the peninsula, but photographs confirm + the reports of eye-witnesses that they were literally holding on + by their eyelids to the positions they had occupied."--_Sunday + Times._ + +And the subsequent abandonment was performed like winking. + + * * * * * + +From a draper's notice:-- + + "On Friday and Saturday the shops will be open until the usual + hours, although lights will not be visible outside. Customers + are requested to open the doors to obtain admittance." + + _Rugby Advertiser._ + +And not to climb through the windows, or come down the chimney, please. + + * * * * * + +TOUJOURS LA POLITESSE. + +[Illustration: _British Officer_ (_in his best French_). "Êtes-vous un +fumier, Monsieur?" + +_French ditto_ (_with only momentary hesitation_). "Mais oui, +Monsieur."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I forget just how long it is since Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT united _Edwin +Clayhanger_ and _Hilda Lessways_ in the bonds of matrimony. Time goes so +fast these days that I met them again, and _Auntie Hamps_, and _Maggie_, +and _Clara_, and the rest of the Three Towns company, as after an +enormous interval. They themselves however have changed in nothing, +except perhaps that the habit of introspection and their phenomenal +capacity for self-astonishment have become more pronounced. "He thought, +'I am I; this wife is my wife; and if I put one foot before the other I +shall go inevitably forward.' And it seemed to him stupendous." I do not +say that this is a quotation, but it represents a habit of mind that is +in danger of growing, upon _Edwin_ especially. He seems never able to +share my own entire confidence in Mr. BENNETT'S efficiency as creator. +Of course nothing very much happens in the course of _These Twain_ +(METHUEN). It is simply a study of conjugal existence in its effect upon +character; briefly, how to be happy though married. In the end _Edwin_ +seems to hit upon a sort of solution with the discovery that injustice +is a natural condition to be accepted rather than resented. So one +leaves the two with some prospect, a little insecure, of happiness. +Needless to say the study of both _Edwin_ and _Hilda_ is marvellously +penetrating and minute, almost to the point of defeating its own end. I +had, not for the first time with Mr. BENNETT'S characters, a feeling +that I knew them too well to have complete belief in them. They become +not portraits but anatomical diagrams. But for all that the accuracy of +his observation is undeniable. One sees it in those minor personalities +of the tale whom he is content to record from without. _Auntie Hamps_, +for example, and Clara are two masterpieces of portraiture. You must +read _These Twain_; but if possible take time over it. + + * * * * * + +American improvements are the wonder of the world. America seems to have +the knack of taking hold of old stuff and turning it into something full +of pep and punch. You remember a play called _Hamlet_? No? Well, there +is a scene in it, rather an impressive scene, where a man chats with his +father's ghost. Mr. ROBERT W. CHAMBERS, America's brightest novelist, +has taken much the same idea and put a bit of zip in it. In his latest +work, _Athalie_ (APPLETON), the heroine, who is clairvoyant, sees the +ghost of the hero's mother, who prevented the hero from marrying her, +and cuts it. "A hot proud colour flared in her cheeks as she drew +quietly aside and stood with averted head to let her pass." In all my +researches in modern fiction I cannot recall a more dramatic and +satisfying situation. It is, I believe, the first instance on record of +a spectre being snubbed. SHAKSPEARE never thought of anything like that. +As regards the other aspects of _Athalie_, the book, I cannot see what +else a reviewer can say but that it is written by Mr. CHAMBERS. The +world is divided into those who read every line Mr. CHAMBERS writes, +irrespective of its merits, and those who would require to be handsomely +paid before reading a paragraph by him. A million eager shop-girls, +school-girls, chorus-girls, factory-girls and stenographers throughout +America are probably devouring _Athalie_ at this moment. My personal +opinion that the book is a potboiler, turned out on a definite formula, +like all of Mr. CHAMBERS' recent work, to meet a definite demand, cannot +deter a single one of them from sobbing over it. As for that section of +the public which remembers _The King in Yellow_ and _Cardigan_, it has +long ago become resigned to Mr. CHAMBERS' decision to take the cash and +let the credit go, and has ceased to hope for a return on his part to +the artistic work of his earlier period, when he wrote novels as opposed +to Best Sellers. + + * * * * * + +Let me heartily commend to you a book of stories by doughty penmen +turned swordsmen for the period of the War--A. E. W. MASON, of the +Manchester Regiment; A. A. M., of the Royal Warwicks; W. B. MAXWELL, +Royal Fusilier; IAN HAY, A. and S. HIGHLANDER; COMPTON MACKENZIE, R.N.; +"Q.," of the Duke of Cornwall's L.I.; OLIVER ONIONS, A.S.C.; BARRY PAIN, +R.N.A.S.; and just short of a dozen others. Published by Messrs. HODDER +AND STOUGHTON, under title, _The Red Cross Story Book_, to be sold for +the benefit of _The Times_ Fund. It's the sort of book about which even +the most conscientious reviewer feels he can honestly say nice things +without any too thorough examination of the contents. With that thought +I started turning over the pages casually, but found myself dipping +deeper and deeper, until, becoming entirely absorbed, I abandoned all +pretence of professional detachment and had a thoroughly good time. I +should like to be able to state that the quality of these stories of +humour, adventure and sentiment was uniform, if only for the sake of +this appropriate word. But I can say that the best are excellent, the +average is high, and the tenor so varied as to suit almost any age and +taste. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Severe mental collapse experienced by a journalist who +attempted to write an article on the rat plague in the trenches without +making any reference to "The Pied Piper of Hamelin."] + + * * * * * + +Mr. B. G. O'RORKE, Chaplain to the Forces, has written a short account +of his experiences in confinement--_In The Hands of the Enemy_ +(LONGMANS). Seeing that he was allowed, as a minister of religion, +unique opportunities of meeting our officers (though not men of the +ranks) shut up in different fortresses, and particularly because he has +been thoughtful enough to mention many of them by name, his narrative is +one which nobody with near friends now in Germany can afford to miss. +The general reader, on the other hand, may have to confess to some +disappointment, since the foggy shadow of the Censor, German or English, +still looms over the pages here and there, blotting out the sensational +episodes which we felt we had reason, if not right, to expect; and if +their absence is really due to Mr. O'RORKE'S steady refusal to indulge +us by embellishing his almost too unvarnished recital the effect is just +the same. Or perhaps the suggestion of flatness is to be ascribed to the +enemy's failure on the whole to treat certain of his victims in any very +extraordinary manner, and if so we can accept it and be thankful. There +are lots of interesting passages all the same, such as the account of +the specially favourable treatment of officers from Irish regiments, +accorded in all Teutonic seriousness as preparatory to an invitation to +serve in the ranks of Prussia; or the pathetic incident of the +white-haired French priest sent to the cells for urging his congregation +to pray _pour nos âmes_. Nowhere outside the Fatherland, I should +imagine, would prisoners be forbidden to pray even _pour nos armes_, and +the stupidity of the misunderstanding is typical enough. The cheerful +dignity shown by prisoners under provocation makes a fine contrast to +such pitiful smallness, and of that this little book is a notable +record. + + * * * * * + +I suppose it would not be possible to travel in the Pacific without a +fountain-pen and a note-book. At all events this seems a privation from +which the staunchest of our literary adventurers have hitherto shrunk. +Do not however regard this as anything more than a casual observation, +certainly not as implying any complaint against so agreeable a volume as +_Voyaging in Wild Seas_ (MILLS AND BOON). There must be many among the +countless admirers of Mr. JACK LONDON who will be delighted to read this +intimate journal of his travellings in remote waters, written by the +wife who accompanied him, and who is herself, as she proves on many +pages, one of the most enthusiastic of those admirers. You may say there +is nothing very much in it all, but just some pleasant sea-prattle about +interesting ports and persons, and a number of photographs rather more +intimate than those that generally illustrate the published travel-book. +But the general impression is jolly. Stevensonians will be especially +curious over the visit to Samoa, concerning her first impressions of +which Mrs. LONDON writes: "As the _Snark_ slid along, we began to +exclaim at the magnificent condition of this German province--the +leagues of copra plantation, extending from the shore up into the +mountainous hinterland, thousands of close-crowded acres of heavy green +palms." This was in May, 1908. Vailima was at that time the residence of +the German Governor (a desecration since happily removed); but the +LONDONS were able to explore the gardens and peep in at the rooms whose +planning STEVENSON had so enjoyed. Later of course they climbed to the +lonely mountain grave of "the little great man"--a phrase oddly +reminiscent of one in an unpublished letter of RUPERT BROOKE (about the +same expedition) that I had just been reading. Mrs. LONDON deserves our +thanks for letting us share so interesting a holiday in these restricted +days. + + * * * * * + +N MEMORY OF "MARTIN ROSS" + +(Violet Martin). + + With _Flurry's_ Hounds, and you our guide, + We've learned to laugh until we cried; + Dear MARTIN ROSS, the coming years + Find all our laughter lost in tears. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +150, JANUARY 19, 1916*** + + +******* This file should be named 22610-8.txt or 22610-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/1/22610 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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