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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Psychical Researcher's Tale - The
+Sceptical Poltergeist, by J. D. Beresford
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Psychical Researcher's Tale - The Sceptical Poltergeist
+       From "The New Decameron", Volume III.
+
+Author: J. D. Beresford
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2007 [EBook #22479]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PSYCHICAL RESEARCHER'S ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+THE PSYCHICAL RESEARCHER'S TALE--THE SCEPTICAL POLTERGEIST
+
+From "The New Decameron"--Volume III.
+
+By J. D. Beresford
+
+There was once a time (he began) when I decided that I was a fraud; that
+I could not be a psychical researcher any longer. I determined to give
+it all up, to investigate no more phenomena nor attend another seance,
+nor read a word about psychical research for the remainder of my life.
+On the contrary, I planned an intensive study of the works of the later
+Victorians, of that blissful period in the history of Europe when
+we could believe in the comforting doctrine of materialism. "Oh!" I
+thought, "that one had a Haeckel or a Huxley living now to console
+us with their beautiful faith in the mortality of the soul!" The
+Neo-Darwinians failed to convince me; the works of H. G. Wells left me
+cold.
+
+I will tell you the events that brought me to this evil pass.
+
+It is not likely that anyone here will remember the Slipperton case. It
+attracted little attention at the time. In 1905 there was still a little
+sanity left in the world. A few even of the London dailies were nearly
+sane then, and refused to report ghost stories unless they were known to
+be untrue. And the Slipperton case had hardly any publicity--an inch
+in the _Daily Mail_, headed "Family Evicted by Ghosts," was the only
+newspaper report that I saw; though there may have been others. In these
+days the story would be given a couple of columns opposite the leader
+page; and the Sunday papers...
+
+I was connected with the thing because Edgar Slipperton and his wife
+were friends of mine; quiet, old-fashioned people who believed that when
+you were dead you _were_ dead, and that that was the end of it.
+
+The phenomena that drove them out of their house at last were of the
+ordinary poltergeist type that date back to the days of John Wesley. The
+Slippertons had a fat and very stupid cook, whom I suspected of being an
+unconscious medium; but they were so attached to her that they refused
+to give her notice, as I strongly advised them to do. They told me that
+although she was constitutionally unable to grasp a new idea, such as
+the idea of a different pudding, she was entirely dependable, always
+doing the same things in the same way and with the same results. And
+while this confirmed my suspicions that she was a spiritualistic medium,
+I recognised that she might have useful qualities as a cook.
+
+The Slippertons stood it pretty well for a time. At first they were only
+mildly inconvenienced. Things used to disappear mysteriously, and turn
+up in unexpected places. Slipperton's pince-nez, for example, were lost,
+and found inside the piano. And Mrs. Slipperton's "false front" would
+be moved in the night from the dressing-table to the brass knob of the
+bed-post, even after she took to pinning it to the toilet cover. Things
+like that; irritating, but not really serious.
+
+But the trouble increased, grew to be beyond endurance in the end. The
+poltergeists, with that lack of imagination which always characterises
+them, started to play the old trick of pulling off the Slippertons'
+bed-clothes in the middle of the night--one of the most annoying of the
+spirits' antics. And they followed that by experimenting with the heavy
+furniture.
+
+I was out of England when the trouble came to a head, and I heard
+nothing of the later developments until after the Slippertons had left
+the house. I happened to meet Slipperton by accident in the Haymarket,
+and he took me into his club and gave me the whole story. Naturally,
+I was glad of the chance to investigate, although I thought it very
+probable that the phenomena would cease with the departure of the cook.
+I determined, however, to go down and spend a week in the house, alone.
+I was not dismayed by the fact that I should be unable to get any help
+with my domestic arrangements, owing to the superstitious fears of the
+villagers. I rather enjoyed cooking my own meals in those days.
+
+It was fine weather in late May when I went down, and I regarded
+the visit as a kind of holiday rather than as a serious investigation.
+Nevertheless, from force of habit I carried out my inquiry in the
+scientific spirit that is so absolutely essential in these matters.
+The Slippertons' house was on the outskirts of a small town in
+Buckinghamshire. The shell of the house dated from the early seventeenth
+century. (You will find it described in the _Inventory of the
+Royal Commission on Historical Monuments_--the second volume of the
+Buckinghamshire survey.) But the inside had been gutted and replanned to
+suit our modern requirements, such as the need for making each bedroom
+accessible without passing through other bedrooms, the necessity for a
+fitted bathroom, and so on.
+
+I found the house as Slipperton had warned me that I should, in a
+chaotic condition inside. Everything movable seemed to have been
+moved--without any definite intention, so far as I could see, but just
+for the sake of upsetting the decent order of the household. I found
+a frying-pan, for instance, hung on the hook that was designed for the
+dinner-gong, and the gong inside one of the beds. A complete set of
+bedroom ware had been arranged on the drawing-room table; and apparently
+some witticism had been contemplated with a chest of drawers, which had
+become firmly wedged into the angle of the back staircase. In short, the
+usual strange feats that characterise poltergeist phenomena.
+
+I touched none of these misplaced things with the exception of the
+frying-pan, which I needed to cook the sausages I had brought with me;
+but after I had had my meal, I went through all the rooms and entered
+the position of every article in a large note-book, making plans of each
+room, besides a full list of the furniture and ornaments it contained.
+Later, I went up into the roof and disconnected the water supply,
+afterwards emptying the cistern and all the pipes. And before I went
+to bed I turned off the electric light at the main switch. All these
+precautions, as I need hardly tell you, were absolutely essential. It
+might appear difficult to explain the moving of a large chest of drawers
+by the sound of water-pipes or the fusing of an electric wire; but the
+critics of psychical research have essayed far more difficult tasks than
+that, to their own entire satisfaction.
+
+I went up to the bedroom the Slippertons used to occupy, a little before
+eleven o'clock. I had with me a couple of spare candles, a new notebook,
+and a fountain pen. I was even at that time, I may add, a highly
+trained researcher in every way, and was quite capable of taking a full
+shorthand report of a seance. I tried my pulse and temperature before
+getting into bed and found them both normal. So far, there had been no
+sign of any phenomena; and I was not at all nervous. Indeed, I may say
+that I have never been nervous with spirits.
+
+I had brought the _Pickwick Papers_ upstairs to read in bed--it is
+always as well to choose some book that has no kind of bearing on the
+subject of one's investigation--and I was in the middle of the Trial
+Scene when my attention was caught by the sound of something moving in
+the room. I had left both windows wide open and the curtains undrawn,
+and I thought at first that an unusually large moth had flown in and was
+fluttering against the ceiling. I laid down my book, sat up and looked
+round the room, but I could see nothing. The night was very still, and
+the candle on the table by my bed burnt without a flicker. Nevertheless,
+the sound continued; a soft, irregular fluttering that suggested the
+intermittent struggle of some feeble winged creature. It occurred to me
+that a wounded bat or bird might have flown into the room and might be
+struggling on the floor out of sight near the foot of the bed. And I
+was about to get up and investigate when the flame of the candle sank
+a little, and I became aware that the temperature of the room was
+perceptibly colder.
+
+I picked up my note-book at once and made an entry of the circumstances,
+and the exact time.
+
+When I looked up again, the sound of fluttering had ceased and the
+candle was once more burning brightly; but I now perceived a kind of
+uncertain vagueness that was apparently trying to climb on to the rail
+at the foot of the bed. When I first saw it, it could not be described
+as a form. It had rather the effect of a patch of dark mist, with an
+irregular and changing outline, that obscured to a certain extent the
+furnishings of the room immediately behind it. I must confess, however,
+that my observations at this point were not so accurate as they should
+have been, owing to the sudden realisation of my stupidity in not having
+brought a camera and flashlight apparatus. The Slipper-tons had prepared
+me for poltergeists, and I was, at that moment, distinctly annoyed at
+being confronted with what I presumed to be an entirely different class
+of phenomenon. Indeed, I was so annoyed that I was half inclined to blow
+out the candle and go to sleep. I wish, now, that I had....
+
+The Psychical Researcher paused and sighed deeply. Then producing a
+large note-book from his pocket, he continued, despondently:
+
+I have got it all down here, and when I come to material that
+necessitates verbal accuracy, I should prefer to read my notes aloud
+rather than give an indefinite summary. In the first place, however, I
+must give you some idea of the form that gradually materialised; of the
+form, that is, as I originally saw it.
+
+It took the shape, I may say, of a smallish man, grotesquely
+pot-bellied, with very thin legs and arms. The eyes were
+disproportionately large and quite circular, with an expression that
+was at once both impish and pathetic. The ears were immense, and set at
+right angles to the head; the rest of the features indefinite. He was
+dressed rather in the fashion of a medieval page.
+
+(The professor was heard to murmur, "The typical goblin," at this point,
+but made no further interruption.)
+
+He sat with his feet crossed on the rail at the foot of the bed and
+appeared able to balance himself without difficulty. He had been sitting
+there for perhaps a couple of minutes, while I made various entries in
+my note-book before I tried the experiment of addressing him.
+
+"Have you a message?" I asked. "If you cannot answer directly, knock
+once for 'No,' and three times for 'Yes,' and afterwards we can try the
+alphabet."
+
+To my great surprise, however, he was able to use the direct voice. His
+tone was a trifle wheezy and thin at first, but afterwards gained power
+and clearness.
+
+"I can hear you fairly well," he said. "Now do try to keep calm. It
+isn't often that one gets such a chance as this."
+
+I will now read my notes.
+
+Myself. "I am perfectly calm. Go on."
+
+Spirit. "Will you try to answer my questions?"
+
+The Researcher looked up from his note-book with a frown of impatience
+after reading these two entries, and said:
+
+But perhaps I had better summarise our earlier conversation for you.
+There was, I may say, a somewhat long and distinctly complicated
+misunderstanding between myself and the spirit before the real
+interest of the message begins; a misunderstanding due to my complete
+misapprehension of our respective parts. You see, it is unhappily
+true--however much we may deplore the fact and try to guard against
+it--that even in psychical research we form habits of thought and
+method, but particularly of thought. And I had got into the habit of
+regarding communications from spirits as referring to what we assume
+to be the future life. Well, this communication didn't. The spirit with
+whom I was talking had not, in short, ever been incarnated. He was what
+the Spiritualists and Theosophists, and so on, call an "Elemental."
+And to him, I represented the future state. I was, so to speak,
+the communicating spirit and he the psychical researcher. He was, I
+inferred, very far advanced on his own plane and expecting very shortly
+to "pass over," as he put it. Also, I gathered that he was in his
+own world by way of being an intellectual; keenly interested in the
+future--that is, in our present state; and that the Slipperton phenomena
+were entirely due to the experiments he had been carrying out ("on
+strictly scientific lines," he assured me) to try and ascertain the
+conditions of life on this plane.
+
+Perhaps I can, now, illustrate his attitude by a few quotations from our
+conversation. For example:
+
+Spirit. "Are you happy where you are?"
+
+Myself. "Moderately. At times. Some of us are."
+
+Spirit. "Are you yourself happy?"
+
+Myself. "I may say so. Yes."
+
+Spirit. "What do you do? Try and give me some idea of life on your
+plane."
+
+Myself. "It varies so immensely with the individual and the set in
+which one lives. But we--oh! we have a great variety of what we call
+'interests' and occupations, and most of us, of course, have to work for
+our livings."
+
+Spirit. "I don't understand that. What are your livings, and how do you
+work for them?"
+
+Myself. "We can't live without food, you see. We have to eat and drink
+and sleep; protect ourselves against heat and cold and the weather
+generally, which means clothes and shelter--garments to wear and houses
+to live in, that is."
+
+Spirit. "I have inferred something of this very vaguely from my
+experiments. For instance, I gather that you put on hair in the daytime,
+and take it off when you are--where _you_ are at the present time. Also,
+I have noticed that when the coverings which at present conceal you are
+pulled away, you invariably replace them. Am I to deduce from that that
+you try to keep your bodies warm and your heads cool at night?"
+
+Myself. "Well, that's a trifle complicated. About the hair, you
+understand, some of us lose our hair--it comes out, we don't know
+why--in middle life, as mine has, and women and some men are rather
+ashamed of this and wear--er--other people's hair in the daytime to hide
+the defect."
+
+Spirit. "Why?"
+
+Myself. "Oh, vanity. We want to appear younger than we really are."
+
+Spirit. "Why?"
+
+The Researcher bent a little lower over his notebook as he said:
+
+I seem to have written "Damnation" at this point; but so far as I can
+remember I did not speak the word aloud. You will see, however, that I
+tried my best to be patient in what were really the most exasperating
+circumstances. But I will miss the next page or two, and come to more
+interesting material. Ah I here:
+
+Spirit. "This thing you call death, or dying? Am I to understand that it
+corresponds to what we call incarnation?"
+
+Myself. "We are not sure. Some of us believe that our actual bodies will
+rise again in the flesh; others that the body perishes and the spirit
+survives in an uncertain state of which we have very little knowledge;
+others, again, that death is the end of everything."
+
+Spirit. "In brief, you know nothing whatever about it?"
+
+Myself. "Uncommonly little."
+
+Spirit. "Do you remember your lives as elementals?"
+
+Myself (definitely). "No!"
+
+Spirit. "Then where do you suppose yourselves to begin?"
+
+Myself. "We don't know. There are various guesses. None of them
+particularly likely."
+
+Spirit. "Such as?"
+
+Myself. "Oh, some of us believe that the soul or spirit is a special
+creation made by a higher power we call God, and breathed into the body
+at birth. And some that the soul or spirit, itself eternal, finds a
+temporary house in the body, and progresses from one to another with
+intervals between each incarnation."
+
+Spirit. "Then this being born is what we should call dying?"
+
+Myself. "Quite. It makes no difference. And, as a matter of fact, the
+overwhelming majority of us--that is to say, all but about one in every
+million--never bother our heads where we came from, or what's likely to
+happen to us when we die, or are born, as you would call it."
+
+I have a note here that after this we were both silent for about ten
+minutes.
+
+Spirit (despondently). "I wish I could get some sort of idea what you do
+all the time and what you think about. I thought, when I so unexpectedly
+got into touch with someone in the future state, that I should be able
+to learn everything. And I have, so far, learnt nothing--absolutely
+nothing. In fact, except that I have been able to correct my inferences
+with regard to one or two purely material experiments, I may say that
+I know less now than I did before. And, by the way, those things over
+there--he pointed to the washstand--I noticed that at certain times you
+go through some ceremony with them upstairs, and as I wished to discover
+if there was any reason why you should not perform the same ceremony
+downstairs, I moved the things. Well, I noticed that the spirit who
+was here before you was apparently very annoyed. Can you give me any
+explanation of that?"
+
+Myself. "Our bodies become soiled by contact with matter, and we wash
+ourselves in water. We prefer to do it in our bedrooms."
+
+Spirit. "Why?"
+
+Myself. "We use a certain set of rooms for one purpose and another set
+for other purposes."
+
+Spirit. "Why?"
+
+Myself. "I don't know why. We do."
+
+Spirit. "But you are sure of the fact, even if you can give no reason?"
+
+Myself. "Absolutely."
+
+Spirit. "I wish I could prove that. One of my fellow-scientists, who has
+recently been able to press his investigations even further than I have
+up to the present time, has recently brought forward good evidence to
+prove that spirits are all black, wear no coverings on their bodies,
+live in the simplest of dwellings, and, although they have a few
+ceremonies, certainly have none which in any way corresponds to that you
+have just described."
+
+Myself. "He has probably been investigating the habits of the Australian
+aborigines."
+
+Spirit. "What are they?"
+
+Myself. "Men, or, as you would say, spirits, like us in a few respects,
+but utterly different in most."
+
+Spirit. "Have you ever seen them?"
+
+Myself. "No."
+
+Spirit. "Or met anyone who has?"
+
+Myself. "No."
+
+Spirit. "Then this account of them tallies with nothing in your
+experience."
+
+Myself. "No, but they exist all right. There's no doubt of that."
+
+Spirit. "I question it. In any case, I could not accept your word as
+evidence, seeing that you have neither seen them yourself nor met with
+anyone who has."
+
+And so on, you know (the Researcher muttered, flicking over the pages of
+his note-book).
+
+He was infernally sceptical about those aborigines. It seems that he
+had had a tremendous argument with the other investigator about the
+possibility of "spirits" being black and naked, and he was dead set on
+proving that he had been right. I think, as a matter of fact, that what
+I said tended to confirm him in his theory. He put it that if there were
+such spirits on this plane, I must have seen them or have had some quite
+first-hand evidence of their existence; and when I said that I had
+seen black people, Indians, and so on, he cross-examined me until I
+got confused. You see, I had to confess that they weren't, strictly
+speaking, black, that they wore clothes, and washed, and lived in
+houses; and he got me involved in apparent contradictions--you have no
+idea how easy it is, when you are trying to be very lucid--and then he
+changed the subject with the remark that I was a very poor witness.
+
+It was about this time that I began to lose my temper. It was after
+three o'clock when we got to that point, and I was getting very
+tired, and, strange as it may appear, curiously doubtful about my own
+existence. I had for some time been coming to the conclusion that he did
+not quite believe in my reality; and after he had dismissed my account
+of the black races as being untrustworthy, he said, half to himself,
+that quite probably I was nothing more than an hallucination, a
+thought projection of his own mind. And after that I got more and more
+annoyed--partly, I think, because I had a kind of haunting fear that
+what he had said might be true. When you have been talking to a spirit
+for over three hours in the middle of the night, you are liable to doubt
+anything.
+
+But it was foolish of me to try and prove to him that I had a real
+objective existence, because obviously it wasn't possible. I tried to
+touch him, and my hand went through him as if he were nothing more than
+a patch of mist. Then I got right out of bed and moved various articles
+about the room, but, as he said, that proved nothing, for if he had an
+hallucination about me, he might equally well have one about the things
+I appeared to move. And then we drifted into a futile argument as to
+what I looked like.
+
+It began as a sort of test, to try if my own conception of myself
+tallied with his; and it didn't--not in the very least. In fact, the
+description he gave of me would have done very well for the typical
+goblin of fairy-tale, which, as I told him, was precisely how _I_ saw
+_him_. He laughed at that, and told me that, as a matter of fact, he had
+no shape at all, and that my conception of him proved his description of
+me was the correct one, because I had visualised myself. He said that he
+would appear to me in any shape that I happened to be thinking of, and
+naturally I should be thinking of my own. And I could not disprove a
+thing he said; and when I looked at myself in the cheval glass, I was
+not at all sure that I did not look like the traditional goblin.
+
+Well, I assure you that I felt just then as if the one possible way left
+to demonstrate my sanity, my very existence, was to lose my temper;
+and I did it very thoroughly. I raved up and down the room, knocked the
+furniture about, chucked my boots through him, and called him a damned
+elemental. And although it had no more effect upon him than if I had
+been in another world--as I suppose in a sense I actually was--that
+outbreak did help to restore my sanity.
+
+Perhaps you may have noticed that if a man is worsted in an argument
+he invariably loses his temper? It is the only means he has left to
+convince himself that he is right. Well, my temper did that for me on
+this occasion. I could not prove my existence to that confounded spirit
+by any logic or demonstration, but I could prove it to myself by getting
+angry. And I did.
+
+The Researcher glared round the circle as if challenging anyone there to
+deny the validity of his existence, then slapped his note-book together
+and sat upon it.
+
+I do not expect you to believe my story (he concluded, with a touch of
+vehemence). Indeed, I would much sooner that you did not believe it.
+I have been trying to doubt it myself for the past eleven years, and I
+still hope to succeed in that endeavour, aided by my intensive study of
+the comforting theories of the later Victorian scientists. But I must
+warn you that there was just one touch of what one might call evidence,
+beyond my own impressions of that night--which may have been, and
+probably were, a mixture of telepathy, hallucination, expectancy, and
+auto-suggestion, that found expression in automatic writing.
+
+This rather flimsy piece of evidence rests upon a conclusion drawn from
+the end of my conversation with the spirit. I was still banging about
+the room, then, and I said that I had finished with psychical research,
+that never again would I make the least inquiry with regard to a
+possible future life, or any kind of spiritualistic phenomenon. And,
+curiously enough, the poltergeist precisely echoed my resolve. He said
+that that night's experience had clearly shown him that the research was
+useless, that it could never prove anything, and that, even if it did,
+no one would believe it. _For if_, as he pointed out, _we who were in a
+manner of speaking face to face, were unable to prove our own existence
+to each other, how could we expect to prove the other's existence to
+anyone else?_
+
+It was getting light then, and he faded out almost immediately
+afterwards.
+
+But it is a fact that there were no more poltergeist phenomena in that
+house, although the Slippertons went back to it a month or two later and
+still have the same cook.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Psychical Researcher's Tale - The
+Sceptical Poltergeist, by J. D. Beresford
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