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diff --git a/22417-8.txt b/22417-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a51057 --- /dev/null +++ b/22417-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7109 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Etiquette of To-day + +Author: Edith B. Ordway + +Release Date: August 27, 2007 [EBook #22417] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and Emmy + + + + + + + + + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY + + + + +HANDBOOKS + + +BY EDITH B. ORDWAY + + The Handbook of Conundrums + 12mo, cloth $1.25 net + + The Handbook of Quotations + 12mo, cloth $1.25 net + + The Etiquette of To-day + 12mo, cloth $1.25 net + + Handbook of the Operas + + New and Enlarged Edition + 12mo, cloth $1.50 net + Full paste, grain leather $3.00 net + + Synonyms and Antonyms + 12mo, cloth $1.50 net + + GEORGE SULLY & COMPANY + NEW YORK + + + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY + +REVISED AND ENLARGED + + +BY + +EDITH B. ORDWAY + +Author of "The Opera Book," etc. + + + NEW YORK + GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY + + + + + _Copyright, 1918_ + BY SULLY AND KLEINTEICH + + * * * * * + + _Revised Edition, Copyright, 1920_ + BY GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY + _All rights reserved_ + + + + PRINTED IN U. S. A. + + + + +PREFACE + + +THE customs of social life need frequent restating and adaptation to +new needs. They are customs because they are the best rules of conduct +that have been garnered from the experiences of succeeding generations +under common conditions. + +To know them, to catch their spirit, and to follow them in an +intelligent way, without slavish punctiliousness but with careful +observance, make one skillful in the art of social intercourse, and at +home in any society. + +Etiquette will not take the place of character, nor of an accurate +knowledge of human nature and the arts of practical life. Given these, +however, it will unlock to any man or woman doors of success and +profit and real happiness which, without it, would have remained +forever closed. + + E. B. O. + + "We feel 'at home' wherever we know how to conduct + ourselves." + + T. L. NICHOLS + + + + +CONTENTS + + + CHAPTER PAGE + + I. The Rewards of Etiquette 1 + + II. Personality 6 + + III. Family Etiquette 20 + Obligations of the Married 20 + General Rules of Conduct 26 + Table Etiquette 33 + Anniversaries 40 + The Giving of Presents 41 + Intimate Friends 42 + Illness in the Home 44 + Courtesy to Servants 45 + + IV. Conversation and Correspondence 48 + The Art of Conversation 48 + Correspondence 52 + Paper 55 + Ink 58 + Handwriting 58 + Sealing, Stamping, and Directing of Envelopes 59 + Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters 66 + Letters of Introduction 70 + Letters of Recommendation 73 + Third-person Letters 74 + Informal Invitations and Announcements 74 + Letters of Condolence 75 + Answering Letters 76 + + V. Casual Meetings and Calls 78 + Greetings and Recognitions 78 + Introductions 84 + Calls 90 + Social Calls of Men 92 + First Calls 94 + + VI. The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation 96 + Form of Card 96 + Inscription 97 + Titles 100 + Use 102 + The Engraved Invitation 105 + Dining and Party Invitations 108 + Wedding Invitations and Announcements 114 + Various Announcement Cards 119 + + VII. Behavior in Public 122 + + VIII. The Art of Being a Guest 137 + + IX. Duties of Host and Hostess 145 + Breakfasts and Luncheons 148 + The Formal Dinner 149 + Visits 158 + Special Duties of the Country Hostess 161 + Public Functions 165 + + X. Duties of the Chaperon 169 + + XI. Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement 174 + The Proposal 174 + Announcement of Engagement 179 + Bridal "Showers" 181 + The Broken Engagement 183 + Preparation for a Wedding 185 + + XII. The Conduct of a Wedding 194 + The Church Wedding 194 + The Home Wedding 201 + The Wedding Breakfast 204 + The Wedding Journey 208 + The Wedding Fee 208 + Wedding Presents 210 + The Country Wedding 212 + + XIII. Etiquette for Children 214 + + XIV. Etiquette of Mourning 224 + + XV. Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette 231 + The Formal Military Wedding 231 + Naval and Yachting Usage 232 + Etiquette of the Flag 233 + + INDEX 237 + + + "THE secret of success in society is a certain + heartiness and sympathy. A man who is not happy in the + company cannot find any word in his memory that will + fit the occasion. All his information is a little + impertinent. A man who is happy there finds in every + turn of the conversation equally lucky occasions for + the introduction of that which he has to say. The + favorites of society, and what it calls _whole souls_, + are able men, and of more spirit than wit, who have no + uncomfortable egoism, but who exactly fill the hour + and the company, contented and contenting, at a + marriage or a funeral, a ball or a jury, a water party + or a shooting match." + + _Emerson._ + + + + + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY + + + + + +CHAPTER I + +THE REWARDS OF ETIQUETTE + + +SOCIETY is a game which all men play. "Etiquette" is the name given +the rules of the game. If you play it well, you win. If you play it +ill, you lose. The prize is a certain sort of happiness without which +no human being is ever quite satisfied. + +Because the demand for social happiness is thus fundamental in human +nature, the game has to be played quite seriously. If played +seriously, it is perforce successful, even when the outward signs of +triumph are lacking. Played seriously, it becomes a worthy part of the +great enterprise of noble living, the science of which is called +"Ethics." Therefore the best etiquette is that which is based upon the +fundamental principles of ethics. + +The etiquette, as well as the ethics, of to-day may well be summed up +in the one maxim known as the "Golden Rule": "Do unto others as you +would that others should do unto you." Or in the philosophic statement +of it, given by Kant: "Act so that the maxim of thy conduct shall be +fit to be universal law." + +A certain social sense is, therefore, the foundation upon which all +concerted action rests; and this, permeating the character and winning +conformity in the life, produces a social order which is at once the +criterion of civilization and the source of its power. + +Every social code presupposes the trained personality, that is, the +individual who is intelligent enough and controlled enough to conform +to the rules prescribed for the good of all. It is only in the common +good that true individual good can be found. Therefore is it so +essential that every man regard his brother's welfare as anxiously as +his own, and permit himself to be curbed in his extravagances, limited +in the indulgence of even legitimate desires, in order that he may not +defraud another, or menace the general well-being. + +Not only in social life, but in business, politics, and international +relations, this principle of the common good as the ultimate goal, the +supreme authority for conduct, holds good. To it society approaches, +now by direct progress and now by seeming reaction, but ever with a +higher evaluation of justice. This is shown in the fulfillment of both +small and large obligations. + +Following the rules of courtesy, men give to each other that deference +which each believes is his own due, and each receives in return +twofold the deference that he sincerely gives. Men show, at home and +abroad, the courtesy to women in general that they would wish shown to +those of their family, and thereby the standard of respect for woman +is so lifted that even the city street at night is a safe place for a +woman to pass unaccosted, if it is necessary for her to go unattended. + +Rigidly do we hold ourselves to the established rules of good +breeding, endeavoring to make of ourselves all that Nature will +permit; and we are surprised to find that Nature's own gentlemen and +gentlewomen gather about us, and rare souls look to us for +companionship, as finding in us kindred spirits. + +No field so surely bears a like harvest as the one sown with the seeds +of good-will and consideration for others. + +Etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we desire,--to make clear +the path to the goal of high companionship with many worthy +minds,--and enables us to get out of social intercourse the honey that +is hidden there. Without it, as social beings, we should be as +workmen without tools, architects without material, musicians without +instruments. + +After all, however, etiquette is only a tool, and should never be +mistaken for the finished work itself. How you carry yourself at a +reception is not a matter of so great moment, as is the fact that you +went, and there exchanged certain worth-while thoughts with certain +people. It is the people, the thoughts they gave you and you gave +them, and the practical influence on your life of those people and +those thoughts, which are of moment. + +Just as, from a musicale, you must carry the music away in your soul, +either in definite memories or in a refreshed and more joyous frame of +mind, or it is of no avail that you attended, so from social +intercourse it is absolutely necessary that you carry away the +inspiration of meeting others and the thoughts that they have given +you, and garner from those help and guidance in your life, or the most +elaborate of toilets, the most perfect of manners, and the most +ceremonious of customs are of little worth. + +The tool, however, becomes invaluable when the master desires to +create. Therefore, if we wish to gain from social life the enjoyment +and happiness and help which it should yield, we should become +familiar with the practice of the best forms of etiquette, so that we +shall have skill and aptitude in their application. + +The rewards of etiquette are, therefore, both spiritual and material. +That fine poise of soul which restrains all selfish and unlovely +tendencies, that clear insight which sees the individual as but a +single unit in the composite of the human race, that high aspiration +which culls only the best from the mingled elements of life,--all +these come from a true and sincere adherence to the spirit of +courteous observances, and each of these is its own reward. + +On the other hand, human hearts open only to gentle influences, and +all that it is in the power of human beings to bestow upon one another +comes most readily and most lavishly to those who outrage no social +instinct. To be highly and sincerely honored socially means to be well +loved, and that must mean to be lovable. Wealth and family position +are matters of chance as far as the individual is concerned, but good +breeding is a matter of personal desire and effort. It makes for power +and influence, and often literally commands the wealth and position +which the accident of birth has refused. It is the necessary colleague +of intellectual ability in winning the farthest heights of success, +and makes the plains of mediocre attainment habitable and pleasant. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +PERSONALITY + + +THE social world is a world of personalities. Each individual has a +value and importance according to the sum total of his +characteristics, physical, mental, and moral. Other and more external +facts enter into his social position, but in the circle of his friends +and acquaintances, in whatever grade of society he may move, his place +is determined by his personality. Personality alone is the final test +of a man's worth to society. + +A man's worth to the business world as a doer, maker, or as any other +executive, his worth to the state as an incorruptible official, his +worth to his family as a devoted husband and father, his worth to +literature or art as a thinker or maker,--these values are imprinted +upon his personality, howbeit with almost imperceptible lines. + +If a man would present a pleasing personality as his claim for +recognition in society, he must not neglect his mental attitude, his +appearance, his manners, or his speech. They are all true expressions +of his real self, and they, together with his deeds, are all that his +fellow men have by which to appraise his real worth. + +Character is the foundation of all true courtesy, for manners are but +minor morals, as many a writer has shown. It is not the part of a book +on etiquette to tell how to keep out of prison, or to explain that one +should be honorable and should do no murder. No book or person, +however, can inculcate etiquette without showing that the roots of all +true courtesy lie deep in the spirit of unselfish consideration for +others. To master this spirit until it becomes one's own is the best +fitting one can have for social achievement. Such consideration is the +touchstone by which all social customs are tried, to see whether they +be worthy of perpetuation or not. It is the sure test of correct +conduct under all circumstances, and can be so utilized in case of +doubt. + +A veneer of virtue long passes as currency in no society. It is +necessary to have character in order to be respected. As etiquette is +founded upon certain simple virtues, it is necessary, at least, to +affect the semblance of them. To be long effective they must be +sincere, as a little experience shows. + +Among the minor moral virtues which in social life are of major +importance are those of self-control, sincerity, and unselfishness. + +There is no place for anger in social life. To give expression among a +group of people to any strong feeling, no matter how justified it may +be, is not courteous, because you may be inadvertently treading upon +the beliefs or prejudices of some of your hearers. There are times +when debate and the taking of sides on questions of common interest +are in order, but that is not usually in the mixed society of men and +women, who are supposedly dropping, for a time, the burdens of life +for the sake of enjoyment and recreation. + +Self-control is necessary not only in the constant curbing of anger +and the more violent emotions, but in pushing into the background +one's personal desires in order that one may do one's social duty. A +bridesmaid may have assumed the obligations of that honor, and then +found that, for personal reasons, they were distasteful to her. She +should not, however, permit herself to fail in one iota of her duty. +The always-remembered disappointment of the bride, or bridegroom, if +either bridesmaid or best man should fail, at a time when life should +be as full of happiness as it possibly could, should more than offset +the pain of even difficult control on the part of the chosen friend, +in order to carry out his or her obligations satisfactorily. + +In thousands of minor circumstances the need of absolute self-command +for the sake of social virtues is evident. The man and woman who can +so control themselves, and think only of others, win warm places in +the hearts of their friends. + +It is a dreary thing to be always sustaining a sham of any sort. +Sincerity has its pleasure as well as its virtue. One should seek to +be sincere, as perhaps no social virtue is of greater importance than +this. The possibilities of development of character and of the +betterment of social customs depend upon the exercise of this virtue. +For that reason it is well to follow carefully the acknowledged rules +of etiquette, in the hope and expectation of growing into the attitude +of mind which will make them a natural expression of one's self. + +"The little observances of social life," says Dr. T. L. Nichols in his +book on "Social Life," "are more important than many people think +them. The outward signs or expressions of any sentiment not only +manifest it to others, but help to keep it active in ourselves. This +is the use of all ceremony and ritualism in religion . . . and the same +principle governs all social ceremonies and observances." + +Without unselfishness and a fine consideration for others, the art of +etiquette would be impossible. True etiquette learns no maxims to +practise mechanically. Rather, it learns all the maxims upon which it +may have to draw, and practises them only as the considerate heart +sees an opportunity and desires to embrace it. + +Personal appearance is next to character in importance. The most +important factors in this, with the average person, are not those that +Nature alone is responsible for, but those that the individual himself +is alone responsible for. Beauty is a pleasant thing, and not to be +despised, although beauty alone is of little worth. The social +conquests of history have not been confined to the possessors of +beauty, and there have been many notable cases where decided plainness +and even ugliness was the lot of one who nevertheless was a person of +great charm. + +One's figure and bearing count perhaps for most, as they give the +first and distant impression, and are, as it were, the outlines of the +picture. + +Self-consciousness, for any reason and to even the slightest degree, +is a great barrier to social intercourse and to mental freedom. It +shows as often in a person's carriage as in his words or features. It +should be broken down at all costs, and this can be done only by the +person himself. It may be done, usually with comparative ease, by +becoming and staying interested in something. Then awkwardness, and a +defiant attitude of spirit and body, will vanish. Haughtiness is +usually the outward sign of a great inner self-consciousness. All of +these traits, as well as their opposites, stamp themselves upon the +bearing of the body, and reveal there the clearest manifestations of +character. + +Dress is almost as essential. By this is not meant a rigid adherence +to fashion,--the stamp of a weak mind,--or even good taste, but an eye +to the appropriate and fitting. First of all, dress should be +subordinated to character, that is, it should be no more costly than +the wearer can afford, and no more striking than modesty and good +taste allow. + +Good taste in dress means plain and simple styles, but material as +elegant, serviceable, and pleasing as one's purse permits. It means +also a few things well chosen and kept in good order, rather than many +things more or less untidy; that one's wardrobe will be +harmonious,--not a cheap, shabby garment to-day, and an expensive, +showy one to-morrow. It means also that the wardrobe throughout, not +only the external garments, is equally well chosen and well cared for. + +One should not mix one's wardrobe. A coat of one suit and the skirt of +another should not be worn together. A carriage parasol should not be +used on a sunny promenade, nor an umbrella in a carriage, or open +automobile. + +It is necessary to wear a dress appropriate to the occasion in order +to be well dressed. No matter how excellent one's costume may be, if +it does not suit the time and place it is absurd and incongruous. Some +of the major rules for appropriate dress are as follows: + +Full evening dress demands one's most elaborate gown, made of silk, +satin, velvet, lace, or crêpe-de-chine, as costly as one's purse +permits, with décolleté effects, gained by either actual cut or the +use of lace and chiffon. One should wear delicate shoes, white or +light-colored gloves, and appropriate jewels, of which it is not good +taste to have too lavish a display. + +As hostess at an afternoon reception or luncheon one may wear an +elaborate gown of the richest materials, with either long sleeves and +high neck, or elbow sleeves and slightly low neck. As guest one may +wear a walking suit, with pretty blouse, white gloves, and decorative +hat. + +The usual dress for a formal breakfast is much the same as for a +luncheon,--a pretty afternoon street costume, with a dainty blouse, +gloves, and "picture" hat, which is not removed. In summer, a gown of +light material, such as organdie, muslin, or other soft goods, dainty +and somewhat elaborate, is in good taste. Hat and gloves are +invariably worn with this gown if the affair is ceremonious. + +For church wear, a quiet, rather simple street dress, which does not +proclaim that either money or time has been spent upon it to any +notable extent, is by far the most appropriate. The suit should be +becoming but inconspicuous. + +Ball costume is conventionally gay and elaborate, the lightest of +materials being used, especially by those who intend to take part in +the dancing, and a dainty effect being sought. Any costly, +rich-looking materials are used, and a wide range of fashion is +permitted. The gown is cut short-sleeved and décolleté, and the +dancing shoes are of satin or very fine kid. Jewels are worn but +sparingly by young women in their first season in society. The costume +of a débutante at her first ball is usually white. + +At an informal dinner, any pretty gown may be worn, with special +attention to the coiffure. + +Black should never be worn at a wedding. If one does not care to lay +it aside for the time being, one should not attend. + +For men, the proper costume for an early morning breakfast is the +black cutaway coat with gray trousers, and other details as for a +formal breakfast. In summer a gray morning suit with fancy waistcoat, +or white flannels or linen, with appropriate hat, shoes, and tie, is +permissible. + +At a formal breakfast men wear frock coats, fancy waistcoats, gray +trousers, patent-leather shoes, large ties, high hats, and gray +gloves. + +Afternoon dress for formal functions between noon and evening +consists of a double-breasted black frock coat, or a black cutaway +coat, with either light or dark waistcoat, gray trousers, +patent-leather shoes, light four-in-hand tie, and light gloves. + +Evening dress is the correct attire for all occasions after six +o'clock. It consists of a black suit,--coat cut "swallow-tail," and +waistcoat cut low and in the shape of a "U,"--with white lawn tie, +patent-leather pumps, black silk stockings, white gloves, and no +jewelry but shirt studs, cuff links, and an inconspicuous watch fob. A +black overcoat of some stylish cut and a silk hat or crush or opera +hat is also worn. + +Full evening dress is a man's costume for a formal dinner. The Tuxedo +or short dinner coat with a black tie is intended only for dinners +where women are not present. Although its use on other occasions is +common, it is not correct, and ill accords with the elaborate gown +which is usually worn at the formal dinner. + +One should always have the appearance of being "well-groomed." It is a +minor matter to add to habits of personal cleanliness, which every man +and woman of refinement adheres to with scrupulous conscientiousness, +that attention to the little details and finishing touches of +dressing, which give the impression conveyed in that graphic +expression "well-groomed." The niceties of life are always matters of +small care but great moment. + +The aim to be beautiful is a legitimate one, and worthy of the +attention of every lover of beauty. To make the most of one's self, +both for one's own sake and that of those about one, is a duty. Much +can be done if good taste is consulted, and one's salient good points +studied and emphasized. One can at least dress characteristically, and +so bring out the ideals to which one gives adherence. + +For instance, the business woman, in business hours, dresses with that +same effort after efficiency and economy of time and strength that she +has to put into her business to make it successful. She is, therefore, +besides being scrupulously neat, perfectly plainly and yet durably and +comfortably dressed. The sudden storm does not catch her unprepared, +for she cannot afford to lose even an hour's work next day because she +"caught cold." She permits no fussing with her garments, therefore +they have to be in perfect working order, as fussing takes time, and +time is money. Her hair is done neatly, and as becomingly as possible, +but securely for the day. + +If, on the other hand, the business woman be a milliner, whose own +artistic personality must be her best advertisement, she takes pains +to dress artistically even though she wear less serviceable and more +elaborate costumes. She should, however, give the same impression of +neatness and businesslike serviceableness, with the additional +artistic impression which is going to show her customer that she knows +how to bring out the telling points in her own personality, and create +a charming effect. + +The housewife needs, in her choice of morning garments, the same +effectiveness as the business woman, for she must also work with real +efficiency; but, in addition, she needs to give the impression of +homelike abandon, as well as beauty and grace, which shall appear +restful. + +The art of correct speech and intelligent conversation is one which +every one who wishes to hold an envied place in society should +possess. There is no more attractive accomplishment. Others have only +a limited use and give only an occasional pleasure, while good +conversation is appropriate to almost any occasion, and amuses and +entertains when all other interests have palled. + +If one does not undertake to cultivate the art of conversation, one +should at least be correct in speech. One should not permit slovenly +expressions, or slang, or the thousand and one faults of +mispronunciation and ungrammatical construction into which people +fall, to be characteristic of one's speaking. For if one has time to +go into society, one should have time and money enough to make one's +self presentable mentally as well as physically, and nothing so +clearly shows lack of intelligence and appreciation of the matters of +the intellect, as carelessness and neglect of the words one uses and +the thoughts one utters. No physical defect is more glaring than the +mental defect revealed in every sentence of such a person. + +Mannerisms of speech or act are glaring flaws in the personality which +would delight to charm, and successfully preclude the possibility of +popularity among refined people. Many a man and woman of character +have been barred from the pleasurable enjoyment of society, even by +people of less character though of more surface refinement than +themselves, because they lacked the intelligence and the good sense to +abolish certain mannerisms of act or expression, which, though they +may have had normal and logical causes, were not such as society could +enjoy or approve, and would not tend to anything but harm if +characteristic of many people. + +Certain rather glaring faults are quite conspicuous among all classes +of women, for reasons which are hard to determine, but which must be +general as the faults are so prevalent. Women, as a rule, do not +respect an appointment and keep it punctually, interrupt conversation +repeatedly and ruthlessly, keep visitors waiting by needless delays, +and do not seem to notice or regret the sacrifice that some courtesy +to them may have caused another. + +The arraignment of women for these faults is indeed serious, for +social misdemeanors could not easily be much worse. It means that the +deep heart-feeling of courtesy is quite lacking from certain classes +of women,--classes not to be marked off distinctly from any grade of +wealth or learning. If the ladies of a fashionable and progressive +intellectual club will not, after two or three years of repeated +requests, make it a habit, one and all, to remove their hats during a +dinner and the subsequent speeches in a crowded and level-floored club +dining-room, it is useless to look for any finer courtesy among the +"cultured" than among the work-worn "laboring" classes. + +As a rule the women least at fault in these matters are the business +women, a fact which would seem to prove that lack of business and +professional training was in part responsible for the general apathy +and indifference toward these matters of ordinary courtesy. + +Courtesy, like honesty, is the best policy in all our dealings with +our fellow men. Therefore, we cannot afford to neglect to exercise it. + +Politeness and interest in others alike lead one to make those +inquiries concerning friends and their families which show real +concern in their welfare, and which are exceedingly gratifying to +all. Often this kindly trait alone gives one a reputation for charm, +although it has its disadvantages, to be sure, in its demands upon +one's sympathy and patience. + +We each know that we are worth while. We should, therefore, treat +others on that assumption, and thereby make them rise to their +potential worth. The good that a person, who thus calls out the good +within people, may do is limited only by his acquaintance. + +Personality is, after all, one's greatest asset in life. No thought or +effort should be spared in making it pleasing and inspiring,--a fit +expression of one's character and ideals, and a worthy gift to the +world. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +FAMILY ETIQUETTE + + +THE permanence of a courteous manner is the test of its sincerity. If +one is polite invariably everywhere but at home, one's politeness is +as superficial as a disguise, and as easily penetrated by the +discerning. + +Unselfish consideration for others meets its sternest discipline in +the home and in family relations, and becomes, under that discipline, +a reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every emergency. + +Without manners at home, it is impossible to preserve the real +nobility and unselfishness of character which make a man or a woman +socially desirable. + + +_Obligations of the Married_ + +The marriage relation, while based upon certain fundamental +principles, and not to be preserved without adherence to them, has +some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness. + +The solemnization of marriage is a sacred ceremony and should be +observed in a reverent spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for +the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetuate that same spirit +on the anniversaries of the day, will do much toward making it a holy +and a happy union. + +Every marriage should be at least a perfect friendship; so a married +couple should observe with each other the same little courtesies that +they would observe if still only friends, being as deferential in +greeting one another in public, as careful of each other's feelings, +and as observant of each other's preferences. + +A woman should remember to accept from her husband, as her due and +without surprise or awkwardness, the little attentions which she +expects and receives in society. A man, also, should expect, and not +be disappointed in receiving, the graceful little appreciations and +courtesies which the woman of charm extends to the man of achievement +in her social circle. The difference between the appreciations of +society and those of the family is mainly that, in society, only the +men of mark receive them, while, in the home, every man should receive +his due; for there his efforts are known, even though they are not +signal enough for society to recognize. + +As equality is the only basis upon which the authority of the home +can happily rest, so a complete union of interests is the only basis +for the successful financing of a home. + +While all the virtues of good management of her household, economy in +the expenditure of money, taste in dressing herself and her children, +and promptness and charm in fulfilling her social duties are expected +of a wife, and should be fulfilled to the best of her ability, there +are some minor things which make for happiness which should not be +neglected. + +The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the +charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily +household quality rather than for use only on state occasions. + +The wife should confide in her husband on every matter of importance. +She should not trouble him with trivial things, but, if a matter is of +concern to her, she should not fail to let him know about it, and get +his advice upon it. The cement of love is mutual confidence. + +If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, to be his companion, +and to do her full duty by him, by her children, and by her home, she +cannot fail, under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of +winning happiness and making her husband happy. It is in the lack of +desire to understand and love that the real menace to the happiness of +the home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful people approach +nearest the ideal of love. + +It is taken for granted that the husband will perform the major duties +of his relation, such as being a good citizen, a good business man, +and hence a good provider for his family, and that he will in all +things seek the mutual happiness of his family and himself. + +He must be considerate to his wife if he would keep her love and +respect. He should confide his business to her as far as she, in her +inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should teach her the things +about it which it is important for her to know. Through his +conversation alone she can get the rudiments of a good business +training, and she will at least be able to comprehend the changes he +may make or the difficulties in which he may find himself, and, seeing +their cause, thus be able to sympathize, and not to blame, if reverses +come. He should so train her in business ways and methods that, in +case of his death or disability, she could attend to the business of +his estate, even though she could not, or need not, earn money for the +family. + +The work of adjusting the labors of each to those of the other, so +that there shall be time for recreation and social life together, +should be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be dropped until +solved to mutual satisfaction. If the members of the family cannot +move in the same social circle, and together, a serious breach of +family happiness is threatened. + +There is no marriage license which gives the right to constant harping +upon one another's faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule +of friendship should prevail. + +A husband should not open his wife's letters, nor should a wife her +husband's. + +All invitations are sent to a husband and wife jointly, except those +for such occasions as a stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to +which ladies only are invited. If for any reason either the husband or +the wife cannot attend a function, the other also must decline. The +exceptions to this rule are those cases where a man or a woman of +particular talent moves in a circle the interests of which are not +especially enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or where the +health of the one precludes the possibility of attendance upon affairs +of which the other should not be deprived. Too long or too frequent +use of the excuses which cover these exceptions, reflects seriously +upon the marital happiness of the pair. + +Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not +paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman +out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man. Even at dances +and balls it is not good form for them to dance together too +frequently, except at public dances where they are two of a private +party of four or six, in which case rotation of partners would bring +them together more frequently than if a larger number of their +personal friends were present. + +In America a wife never shares her husband's titles. + +Consultation and advice together on everything which concerns either +is one of the privileges as well as the duties of marriage. + +To reproach for errors which were made with good motives and the best +of judgment available at the time is always unjust. + +Always to greet and to part from each other with affection is the +source of much happiness. + +Neither parent should be overambitious. Their personalities make the +home, and if they are overworked and crowded with care, the home is +not happy. + +The mother should always remember that home comes first, and should +not absent herself from it save at those times and for that length of +time when she is really not needed there. + +Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but +each other, nor discuss each other with any other person. + +Companionship means the willingness to let one's own mood be dominated +by another. Therefore, if they would be companionable, a husband and +wife should meet each other's moods halfway. For what is lost +personally now and then, far more of greater mutual value is obtained; +and it is largely by a habit of companionableness that the happiness +of the home can be made so satisfying that there can arise no question +of its permanence. + +To keep one's self up to one's best standard of speech and conduct is +necessary, for only thus can the family standard be kept high. + +An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins the comfort of all. +Companionship and mutual authority and helpfulness are the only +foundations for a happy home. + + +_General Rules of Conduct_ + +Seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you +would be the same. Move in that society in whose ways you are versed +and whose rules you practice, if you would be appreciated or met with +like courtesy. + +Never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet. The +kindness, however, must be genuine, and come from the heart, never in +stereotyped and hollow phrases. + +The courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness +in receiving them. Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower +than did the person who showed the courtesy. Attentions should be +warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort +which does not forget. + +A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect +that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them +first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. She should not, +however, let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an +elderly relative. + +Enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a +slight bow to the general company. "We all do stamp our value on +ourselves" is true enough, and our private stamp is never more +conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people. If we show +modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is no one who +will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was. + +The head should be well up, the body squarely erect, the chest out. +Self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows +the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to +conceal. One should train one's self until the meeting of people, no +matter who they may be, whether singly or in large numbers, is a +matter of no particular concern as to deportment. + +Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close a door after you, +without slamming. + +Never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return. + +Dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the +company you are with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, nor +with legs spread out, nor a lady with her legs crossed. Never put out +your foot, in the street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may +trouble others in passing by. + +When several people enter a room in a private house where you are +sitting, always rise, especially if they are older than you. When an +elderly person enters the room alone, it is always a graceful show of +deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he +is seated. + +The greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's +household, and should not be omitted. The one who enters a room where +others are assembled gives the salutation first. + +"Good morning" is the appropriate greeting till noon. "Good afternoon" +and "Good evening" are the greetings for the later hours of the day. +"Good-by" is, however, the common and most acceptable form of +farewell. After an evening's entertainment, it is permissible also to +say "Good night" instead. "Good day," "Good afternoon," and "Good +evening," used in farewell, are provincial. + +"I beg pardon," spoken with an inquiring inflection, is much better +than simply "What?" when you do not hear what is said. The abruptness +of the latter savors of rudeness. + +Whispering is not permissible in company, and it is not necessary in +private. Therefore, whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room +or in church, where the whisper is far more penetrating than a low, +distinct tone. + +The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate, for you attract the +attention of two floors of people, as well as publish your message. To +carry on a conversation over the banisters is also equally bad. Even a +word of inquiry should usually be spoken at short distance in a hall +which leads to several rooms, and where many people may hear or be +disturbed by the noise. Such calling should never be permitted to +servants or children, for once begun its convenience will demand its +continuance. + +Interrupting another's conversation is a serious breach of courtesy. + +Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of home life, no matter how +glaring the faults which may be criticised. Faults have to be +remedied, but every effort should be made to do it skillfully, and +not make the remedy worse than the disease. + +Do not open your letters in company, except in case of emergency, and +in the latter, ask the permission of the company to do so. Never, +under any circumstances, open a private letter addressed to another. +If the one to whom it is addressed is near enough to give you +permission to open it, he can usually open it himself; if he is not by +to give permission, the letter should go to his legal representative, +who then acts according to the law. + +Politeness as well as pity impel one to be especially polite to the +caller or visitor who is uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By +even an excess of hospitality one should try to make up for the +inevitable slight which society always puts upon such a one. + +Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests. The close friend and +the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal +courtesy. + +The holding of a grudge, and the failing to forgive a slight for which +apology has been made, are the height of discourtesy. It is invariably +true that the same spirit with which you mete out social slights will +be shown you in return. Resent each one, whether intentional or a mere +oversight, and you will surely crush the spontaneity out of all +attentions shown you, and be met only with distrust. + +When applied to for a favor, if you intend to grant it, grant it +graciously and readily; if you intend to refuse, refuse with equal +civility even though firmly. None but the unmannerly will urge a +request when the slightest token of refusal has been given. + +A gentleman may offer personal service to a lady, if there is need, +tying her shoe, or hooking or buttoning her dress, or doing any other +little act which she cannot herself do. + +In a company of people, it is the height of rudeness to call attention +to the form or features or dress of any one present. + +In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively. At the dining +table it should be used very sparingly. Better retire than be +obnoxious to even the most fastidious. + +Never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing, +whether in the home, of in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else. + +Do not touch any one in order to arrest his attention, but address +him. + +To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to +stealing, unless one has permission of the owner to do so. + +Self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait. It +always makes for comfort of one's self and of others, and often for +safety. + +Do not pass between two persons who are talking together, if +avoidable. If it is not, then apologize. + +Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy requires, no matter how +unforgivable the offense, that an apology should be accepted. +Friendship may not be restored, but friendly courtesy should always +thereafter be maintained. + +Never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you. +Forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend. + +Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every +engagement. + +To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your +own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very +distasteful to others, who also have achieved. + +One's social obligations should never be neglected unless one is +determined to drop out from one's place entirely. To acknowledge one +invitation and not another is surely to be discredited with all. + +Never question a child or a servant upon family matters. + +Fulfill your promises,--or do not promise. + +Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as +though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the +burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous +in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well +to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but +always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at +them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This +latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in +case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within +the range of their vision before speaking to them. + + +_Table Etiquette_ + +A man should not seat himself at the dinner table until his wife or +his hostess is seated. This rule holds good in the home, for if it is +not practised there, it will not be observed gracefully in society. + +Seat yourself not too close to nor too far from the table. + +Erect position at table is the first requisite. One should so place +one's seat that correct position is possible, and then should keep it. + +Elbows should never be placed upon the table. + +The hands should be kept quietly in the lap while not busy with the +food. One should sit quietly at the table, without handling the +cutlery or making useless motions, while waiting to be served. If +there is some form of grace said, or some simple ceremony preliminary +to the meal, one should pay respectful attention silently. + +Do not seem impatient to be served. The meal is a social occasion and +the food is an adjunct to friendly intercourse. The success of the +meal depends equally perhaps upon the food and the conversation. +Because of the interruptions of service, conversation cannot be long +continued, or deeply thoughtful. It must be on subjects of no great +moment nor grave interest, or on such subjects lightly touched; but it +should be on bright, cheerful topics, and as witty as the talent of +the company affords. + +Eating should be slow, and mastication of the food thorough, for +reasons of health as well as for the sake of appearance. No meal can +be eaten properly and adequately in less than thirty minutes, but more +than an hour for a meal is sheer waste of both time and food, unless +the company is large, the times of waiting between courses long, and +the portions served very small. + +Eat silently. The noise of food being masticated is very distressing, +and except in cases of crusts and crisp vegetables, perfectly +unnecessary. + +The napkin is unfolded and spread over the lap. One is supposed to be +skillful enough in raising food to the lips not to need the napkin in +front of the dress or coat to prevent injury. + +In case you do not care for a course, you should not refuse it. +Receive it, and take what part of it you desire, trying to take some; +or, if you wish, leave it untouched, but do not have the appearance of +being neglected or ill-provided for, even if you do not eat of it. A +little more attention to conversation on your part may make +unnoticeable to those about you the fact that you do not eat of a +certain course. + +If your preference is consulted as to food, whether the matter be +trivial to you or not, express some preference so that the one who is +serving, and who has asked to be guided, may be so far assisted. + +Never place food or waste matter upon the tablecloth. An exception to +this may be made in regard to hard breads and celery, when individual +dishes for these are not furnished. Always use the side of some one of +the dishes about you for chips and scraps. + +The fork is used in general except with semi-liquid sauces, where a +spoon is of necessity used. It is not permissible to eat peas with a +spoon. + +The mouth should be closed while it contains food. It should not be +too full, as it is often necessary to reply to some question when +there is food in the mouth. + +Do not leave the table until you have quite ceased chewing. + +Be dainty and skillful in using your napkin and cutlery, avoiding +soiling the tablecloth. + +Discussions and unpleasant topics of conversation should never be +introduced. One should regard not only one's own aversions but those +of the others present. + +Never put your finger in your mouth at table, nor pick your teeth. + +Tidiness of personal appearance is never at a higher premium than at +the dining table. Soiled hands, negligee dress, shirt sleeves, and +disheveled hair are disgusting there. + +It is quite proper to take the last helping of any dish which may be +passed you. To refrain looks as if you doubted the supply. + +Bread is not cut, but broken into fairly small pieces. One should +never nibble from a large piece. + +It is permissible to eat crackers, olives, celery, radishes, salted +nuts, crystallized fruits, corn on the cob, bonbons, and most raw +fruits from the fingers. Apples, pears, and peaches are quartered, +peeled, and then cut into small pieces. Cherries, plums, and grapes +are eaten one by one, the stones being removed with the fingers and +laid upon the plate. + +Cheese may be laid in small pieces on bread or crackers, and conveyed +to the mouth in that way. + +Asparagus should be eaten with the fork, the part which is not readily +broken off by it being left. + +At a formal meal a second helping of a dish is never offered, and +should never be asked for; but at an informal dinner party it is not +out of place to accept a second helping, if one is offered, but is +complimentary to the hostess, who is responsible for the cook. + +In passing the plate for a second helping, the knife and fork should +be laid across it full length,--not held in the hand until the plate +returns. + +One may ask the waiter for a second or third glass of water, as even +at a formal dinner that is always permissible. + +Lettuce, cress, and chicory are never cut with a knife, but rolled up +on the fork and so conveyed to the mouth. + +Never leave the spoon in any cup while drinking from it. Liquid +bouillon,--not jellied,--should be drunk from the bouillon cup. + +Spoons are used for grape fruit and oranges, when cut in halves and +put upon a plate, for soft-boiled eggs, puddings, custards, and +gelatins. + +With fruit, finger-bowls should always be passed. A bowl half-full of +water is placed upon a plate covered with a doily. Unless the fruit is +passed upon a second plate, the bowl and doily are removed from this +and set at one side, the fruit being eaten from this plate. The +fingers are then dipped, one hand at a time, into the water, and wiped +upon the napkin. + +Salt should never be put upon the tablecloth, but always on the side +of the plate, unless the individual salts are provided. + +Never spit out a prune, peach, or cherry stone. + +Never hold food on the fork while you are talking, ready as soon as +you reach a period to be put into your mouth. Having once picked it +up, eat it promptly. + +A bit of bread, but nothing else, may be used, if necessary, to help +one put food upon the fork. + +If one tastes of something which one does not care to swallow, it may +be removed from the mouth with the closed left hand and placed on the +plate. This should be done silently and with as little attention as +possible. + +Never take a chicken or chop bone in the fingers. Cut the meat from +the bone, leaving all that does not readily separate. + +Bread and butter plates, with the butter spreader, are always used, +except at formal dinners, when the dinner-roll is laid in the fold of +the napkin. + +The knife is used only for cutting, and for spreading butter on bread +in the absence of butter spreaders. + +Almost all foods are eaten with the fork, which should always be used +in the right hand with the tines up. It may be held in the left hand, +tines down, when one is cutting, the knife being in the right hand. + +The soup spoon is an almost circular and quite deep spoon. Therefore +it is obvious that the soup should be noiselessly sipped from the +side of it. When the oval dessert spoon is used for soup, it is +especially necessary to sip the liquid from the side. + +Special spoon-shaped forks are provided for salads, ices, and creams, +but for these spoons may always be substituted. + +No hot drink should be poured from the cup into the saucer to cool it. + +Toothpicks should not be passed at the table. They may be left on the +sideboard, and if one is needed, it may be requested of the waiter or +taken as you leave the room, but always used in private. + +Wherein elderly people do differently from the established ways of +to-day, they are not to be criticised. Manners change even several +times within a generation, and such may be simply following the +customs they were taught. When the three-tined fork was the only one +in common use, the blade of the knife was much more in requisition +than now. + +On leaving the table the dishes of the last course should be left +exactly as used, and the napkin left unfolded by the side of the +plate. In case one is at home, or visiting a friend, and the napkins +usually serve for two or three meals, then neatly fold it. Many +families have clean napkins once a day, that is, at dinner. + +The chair should either be pushed quite back from the table, or close +to it, so that others may easily pass by. + +If obliged to leave the table in the midst of a meal, one should +address the hostess, saying, "Please excuse me," as he rises. + + +_Anniversaries_ + +The observance of family festivals is a great bond of union when there +are different ages and temperaments and interests represented in the +family circle. In the home holidays, all meet on a common ground, and +get once more into touch with each other. Yet the observance of such +festivals should never be more elaborate than the purse will justify, +nor should it be allowed to become a burden upon any one, even the +most willing. The festive spirit is lost if it becomes obligatory. + +The observance of wedding anniversaries is usually an honored custom +in the case of happy marriages, where children grow up who take +delight in making much of the days which are sacred to their parents. +Where this observance is not a matter of form or done with any +ulterior motive, but is spontaneous and joyous, it adds much to the +family happiness and strengthens the bonds, not only between parents +but between parents and children. + +It is customary to make gifts of the sort signified in the name of +the anniversary, and much ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out +the idea. The anniversaries are named as follows: + +At the end of the first year comes a cotton wedding; at the end of the +second, a paper wedding; the third, a linen wedding; the fifth, a +wooden; the tenth, a tin wedding; the fifteenth, a crystal; the +twentieth, linen; the twenty-fifth, silver; the thirtieth, pearl; +fortieth, ruby; fiftieth, a golden wedding; and the sixtieth, a +diamond wedding. + +These anniversaries may be added to, as by celebrating a leather +wedding the third year, instead of two of linen; a woolen one the +seventh; and a china one the twelfth. + +A birthday anniversary is a momentous event in the life of a child. +Disregard of it is a heart-breaking slight. The celebrations of these +events, even in families where they are numerous and resources few, +can be made joyous if there is love enough to do it, even without +money. + + +_The Giving of Presents_ + +The members of a family who have each other's welfare at heart, often +have the impulse to give each other something which they may know is +needed or wanted. While this impulse should be cultivated even with +the most limited means, and the sense of generosity preserved even +among the poorest,--where, to be frank, it is more apt to be found +than among the rich,--there should be no counting upon such presents, +nor obligation to make them imposed. This destroys their value as +expressions of affection, and makes the custom harmful. For that +reason it is not well to adhere to times and seasons, but at any time +when the right opportunity offers and the impulse moves, give the gift +that one desires to give. + +Where such an impulse is characteristic of a family, the members will +naturally take pride in expressing in that way their appreciation of +individual achievement, as when a member graduates from a high school +or college, or attains his majority, or makes some special advance in +any way. The spirit which welcomes achievement and recognizes it, +becomes an incentive, perhaps the strongest there is, and surely the +most noble, that of satisfying and pleasing a loved one. Life holds +too much of defeat for the average person, for its minor victories to +be passed over in silence and indifference. + + +_Intimate Friends_ + +One's attitude toward intimate friends is either a pleasant memory or +a sad revelation. If one holds them a little lower than one's family, +and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort +habitually given to those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes a +privilege, no matter what the circumstances, and a lifelong +gratification and pleasure. If, however, one considers that intimate +friends are entitled to less courtesy than the public, and are to be +made to serve one's purpose more effectually than mere acquaintances +do, then the burden of friendship is great, and soon dropped. +Affection is not mercenary. + +One word in regard to the single monopolizing friendship. Many a +marriage has been wrecked, and many a mother's friendship turned away, +because some one friend, of about one's own age and tastes, of +pronounced influence and exorbitant demands, has usurped, at first +perhaps unconsciously but ever surely, the place in one's life, and at +last in one's heart, that some member of the family should have taken. + +Some people seem naturally predisposed to this sort of friendship, and +as soon as the intellectual zest is gone from absorbing companionship +with one person, they turn to another. One such instance showed +through twenty years a series of such friendships on the part of a +well-meaning but foolish woman, in which her husband figured briefly, +passing on and off the stage as violently as, and even more speedily +than, the other "friends." + +Too great familiarity with new acquaintances is impolite as well as +unwise. It cannot fail of seeming forced, and even if the friendship +is to be close and permanent, a hastily-laid foundation is never the +most secure. + +One should never call a friend by his Christian name until he requests +one to do so. + + +_Illness in the Home_ + +Illness means that the order of the home life must be seriously +disturbed. Consideration for the one who is ill, and effort to +alleviate the suffering, should take the place of every other thought +and ambition. It is necessary, of course, that the routine of living +should be sufficiently preserved for the health of the others not to +be affected, but matters of comfort and well-being for all take +precedence of everything else. + +The well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill, such +as being quiet about the house; never complaining at late or simple +meals; setting aside personal plans and comfort in order to assist, if +needed, in the care of the ill; looking out for the relief and comfort +of the nurse, upon whom the major part of the responsibility rests; +never grudging time or money in the effort to restore health; and, +above all, making these sacrifices in the spirit of love and not in +that of martyrdom. Many people, who make even unreasonable sacrifices +for others in times of emergency, do it so ungraciously, that one does +not feel that they are entitled to the thanks which they still +actually deserve and should receive. + +Courtesy demands that the claims of the nurse and doctor be settled +promptly and generously. They were prompt in meeting the emergency. +There should be no delay in acknowledging the obligation to them, even +though their promptness is looked upon, by them and by society, as +part of their professional duty. + +The convalescent takes such abnormally keen delight in being +remembered, that it is obligatory upon the rest of his family and his +friends not to forget him. Kindly messages should be frequent. +Trifling gifts frequently are better than large gifts occasionally, +unless the large gift is something greatly desired. + +One should never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room +to an invalid, an elderly person, or a lady. + + +_Courtesy to Servants_ + +It is safe to predict that, if the acumen of the business man, and the +courtesy of the social leader and woman of true refinement were +brought to bear upon the servant problem, that would soon assume a +different aspect. + +If the consideration that would be shown an ailing guest were shown an +ailing servant, service would be more generously and more faithfully +rendered. + +The waitress at the table is entitled to courtesy, but not to +apologetic efforts to diminish her task. Appreciation may be shown in +a "Thank you," or, "If you please," but such notice of her should be +unobtrusively spoken, so as not to interfere with the general +conversation about the table. + +The servant has every human right to civility, and the withholding of +wages is no more culpable, if more illegal, than is the withholding of +civil treatment, and the infliction of the indignity of impatience and +harsh and unmerited reproof. + +All servants need careful training. + +Neatness is the first requisite. The lack of it most seriously +reflects upon the management of the household. + +Servants should be trained to answer the door-bell promptly, reply +civilly to questions, and in all things represent their master and +mistress in a dignified and courteous way. They should not admit one +person who calls socially, and deny another, unless under special and +exceptional orders. They should not fail to deliver promptly all +notes, messages, and cards which may be received. Verbal messages +should be received and given with accuracy. + +The direct neglect of orders is unpardonable in an intelligent servant +who has been well trained, and will not occur, even in the absence of +the mistress, if the training has been explicit and complete and the +servant is honorable,--as he should be in order to retain any +position. A certain degree of initiative, too, should be cultivated in +a servant who is given responsibility, so that he may meet an +emergency with resourcefulness, in the absence of orders or specific +instructions. + +The servant needs to respect his master and mistress. The firm, +strong, honest, and just control is respected by servants, and is much +preferred to the irresolute one, even when the latter overflows +frequently in lax kindness. Each man needs to be made to do his duty, +and the power that forces him to do it should be gracious but must be +firm. + +To be familiar with servants is a fatal mistake, and eventually upsets +and destroys all discipline. + +Servants should never be reproved in the presence of guests, or +members of the family, or other servants, but should be talked with +singly, and considerately, but plainly. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +CONVERSATION AND CORRESPONDENCE + + +_The Art of Conversation_ + +CONVERSATION is a game we all play, but most of us with ill success. +We do not take pains to learn the rules, and we do not consider the +honor of winning sufficiently great. It is, however, an accomplishment +that all who will may possess, that consumes a great deal of the time +of all of us, and that yields great pleasure and profit if skillfully +used. + +The subject of conversation should be pertinent, and of interest to +all, or at least the majority, of those in the group of talkers. The +treasures of experience and of knowledge should be grouped about the +topic, and every one who contributes should take care to proffer +nothing that the conversation has not logically called forth. Then the +pleasure and the success of the time thus spent is measured only by +the wit and mental resources of the talkers. + +News which has a universal interest is always a legitimate subject of +discussion. Personal news which has only the interest of gossip or +scandal is never permitted among cultured people, no more than are +physiological facts or the records of criminology. It is a safe rule +to speak of things rather than of persons. + +The brilliant conversationalist never monopolizes the talk, as such a +method would prevent his most telling points or his keenest wit from +having dramatic expression. If he tells an anecdote which holds the +attention of the table or of the circle of listeners, he permits his +duller neighbor to tell the next, not only that his own wit may have a +foil, but that his next anecdote may meet the sharp edge of whetted +appetites. + +If dining out or being entertained, do not play the host or hostess by +leading the conversation, even though your talent in that direction be +far superior to theirs. You thereby do them an injustice which is +exceedingly discourteous on the part of one who has accepted of +hospitality. + +Never interrupt. It kills the expression of any thought to interrupt +the speaker, and every person, no matter how badly he may express +himself, has a right to the effort and to what he can win of the +hearer's attention. + +To supply a word which seems to fail the speaker is perhaps a friendly +service, if he be a foreigner, but should never be tendered to a +countryman, nor often to even the most grateful wrestler with the +English language. It confuses any one, and the only polite way is to +wait quietly until the speaker collects himself and finds his words. + +Do not contend any point. Among intelligent people questions may be +pleasantly and earnestly debated, arguments weighed and tested, and +yet the conversation be absolutely courteous, although conviction be +deep on both sides. The impossibility, among untrained people, of +debate without great emotion is what retards the progress of the +intellectual life in many circles. + +One should never answer questions in general company that have been +put to another. + +One should not note the points of discrepancy in the remarks of +another, or the points of divergence in opinion. In society the +subjects of conversation are subordinated to the human interest of the +gathering, and points of harmony and agreement should be emphasized, +leaving all others unnoted. One does not need to conceal his opinions, +but he should not arrogantly or dogmatically publish them. Not +opinions but individuals are of greater interest at that time, and the +battle of ideas should be fought in another arena. + +This is the only safe rule to follow in mixed companies, or with +people imperfectly trained socially. With highly intelligent people +of congenial tastes, people who have ideas and convictions of great +worth, and who are controlled enough to express them without undue or +foolish emotion, the battle of ideas is fought most effectively and +most to the benefit of society, in the drawing-room of that host and +hostess whose own talents make them able to draw talent about them. + +Here all the rules of polite society may be observed, and yet the +inner convictions, whether political, religious, or moral, of the +circle, may find welcome expression and fair hearing. The growth of +ideas and the progress of ideals in such a society is rapid and along +the right lines. + +Never try to have the last word, but always refrain from saying it. + +Do not enter into tête-à-tête conversation in the presence of others, +or refer to any topic of conversation which is not of common interest +and commonly known. Mysterious allusions or assumed understandings +with one or two members of a group are insults to the others. + +Inquiries into private affairs should never be made, but those on the +subjects of age and income are especially obnoxious, and merit for the +inquirer the cool silence which they usually obtain. + +The loud-voiced, aggressive person, whose opinions are alone of vital +moment in his estimation, and who will not yield a point in an +argument, is much to be dreaded in any company, and effectually brings +to an end any general conversation into which he intrudes. + +When addressing people face to face, it is necessary to give them +their social or professional titles, if the latter be such as have +influence on social rank, no matter if such titles are not inscribed +on the visiting card of the person possessing them, or are purely +honorary. + +It is not now customary to add "Madam," or "Sir," or the colloquial +equivalent of the former,--"m'am" or "m'm,"--to "Yes" and "No," even +by children. + + +_Correspondence_ + +Letter writing is a high art, and can give great pleasure to one's +friends. It must not, however, be intemperately indulged in, either in +frequency, length of letters, or freedom of expression. A timely note +is a great binder of friendship, and may give comfort and satisfaction +much greater than a longer letter at a less important moment. + +The danger of letter writing is that one is tempted to pour out one's +inmost feelings with thoughtless abandon, and find later that the +relative or friend to whom the letter was addressed was unworthy of +the confidence, or, if not unworthy, was repelled by it, or +indiscreet in guarding it. It is always wise for one to restrain his +expression of himself, when writing or speaking, within the bounds of +dignity and a self-respecting reserve. + +The classic letters of literature are usually those the fervor of +expression and self-revelation of which gave them a strong human +interest, but in the preservation and publication of which sacred +confidence was violated. The average letter of the average man or +woman is by no means a classic, or worthy of preservation. It should +be destroyed when it has fulfilled the immediate purpose for which it +was written. It may otherwise sometime be instrumental in bringing +ridicule, if not shame, upon the unsuspecting writer. + +As letter writing is the most common form of composition, the general +rules pertaining to that art should be observed in even the most +informal of letters. + +All letters should be concise and definite. An involved style is a +great waste of time and mental power, and has no advantage. + +A letter should be written on consecutive pages, unless it be very +short, in which case it is preferable to use the first and third, +rather than only the first and second, pages. It should never be +written so that the sheet has to be turned around and the pages read +at different angles. The turning over of the pages should be all that +is necessary. + +If, however, social note paper is used for a short business letter to +a business man, open the sheet out flat, turn it so that the left side +becomes the top of the sheet, and use as you would a single large +sheet of commercial paper. This enables the reader to see the whole +matter at a glance. + +Do not scrawl your letter over the page; but do not, on the other +hand, appear to economize in paper. Make the place and date lines +clear and distinct. Set off the salutation from the body of the +letter, and make the form of the letter upon the page artistic and +concise. Paper is cheap, and the delight of receiving a letter well +framed in even margins and written on regular, if invisible, lines is +a pleasure easily afforded a friend. + +The letter should be begun about two inches down from the upper edge +of the paper. The left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an +inch, with paragraph indention an inch more. The lower margin also +should be three-quarters of an inch, and the right margin should be +kept even and, for best effect, almost as wide as the left margin. + +Do not run on the letter without paragraphing it, but place each +subject in a paragraph by itself. + +A business letter should always go straight to the point. + +A note of apology should be direct, and say but the one thing which is +its subject. + +A note asking a favor should do it simply and without unnecessary +preamble. The sense of freedom or intimacy which permits one to ask a +favor, should be great enough to obviate the necessity of long +explanation, which seems like coaxing. + +The refusal of a request requires tact, and may necessitate less +directness than courteous explanation: but it should not be so +extended as to be apologetic. + +A letter of thanks is difficult, but too great effusiveness is as +disgusting as too great abruptness is unsatisfactory. The elusive but +happy medium is the work of the socially well-trained. + + +_Paper_ + +The grade of paper used is a matter of no small moment. Some people +affect a fastidiousness in color and quality quite out of keeping with +the purpose to which the paper is to be put. Others affect an opposite +slovenliness, which shows equal disregard of use and effectiveness. + +A good quality of paper is essential to elegance. Plain white or cream +white paper, unlined, with either rough or smooth finish, is always +correct, and is the only kind for formal social correspondence. For +more intimate letters ladies sometimes use a pale blue, delicate +pearl-gray, light lavender or heliotrope, or a Colonial buff. There +has lately been imported the style of an envelope with lining of +another color and paper to match, in a variety of bright tints and +striking designs. These styles, even in the daintier variations of +them, appeal only to the younger members of the "smart set." Gentlemen +never use any but white stationery. + +Correspondence cards are a great convenience for the very shortest of +messages, where even the small note paper is too large. They are to +social letter writing what the postal is in business. They, like the +postal, should be used only for brief messages of no special +importance, or for notifications. + +It is a matter of taste and of expense to have one's monogram or home +address engraved at the top of choice note paper or letter paper. This +may be in gilt, silver, or colors. + +The more common forms of heading are centered an inch below the top of +the paper, but may be placed somewhat lower down, and to the right, +leaving about three-quarters of an inch margin. In this case the date +line follows. Engraved and embossed headings are the most elegant, and +printed ones should be used only for business purposes. There can, +however, be no objection to a very neatly printed small heading for +personal business correspondence, if it is tastefully done in a quiet +color. While it would not be acceptable for formal social +correspondence, it does very well on more intimate letters and saves +the necessity of writing each time the home address. It is best to use +printed letterheads, rather than commit the blunder now so common, +among those who do not habitually use engraved paper, of omitting the +address from the letter. This, in case the letter is misdirected, and +travels to the Dead-Letter Office, prevents effectually its +restoration to the writer. + +The size of note paper suited to the letter to be written should be +used. Do not start with a small note size, and run on over several +sheets. The letter size should have been taken in the first place, as +the note is only for such messages as are essentially short. + +The forms of heading which are permissible at the top of the personal +letter paper are the following: a crest, monogram, or the separate +initials; the name of the home if, as an estate, it has a special +title; the name of the city and state; or the street address, with the +name of the city and state beneath. + +When in mourning, it is customary to use a note paper and envelopes +surrounded with a narrow black border. The border should not exceed +three-eighths of an inch in width, and three-sixteenths of an inch +during the period of half mourning. Sometimes only a black line with +the monogram is used. + +Scented note paper is not in good taste, except perhaps that which has +a very faint odor of violets or of orris root, or, in the Southland, +of orange blossoms. + + +_Ink_ + +Colored inks are not liked or approved of by society. A good +blue-black ink is the best for all writing. + +Pale inks, too faint to be easily seen, and too lacking in stock to +last any length of time, are useless. + + +_Handwriting_ + +Illegibility in handwriting, or a stilted and difficult hand, is a +great waste of time and energy, mainly the would-be reader's. There is +no excuse, in these days of the typewriter and of common knowledge of +stenography, for an illegible letter or manuscript, and the +carelessness which writes too hurriedly to form the letters is +excusable only in the gravest emergency and between intimate friends, +where the inconvenience caused by it will be, for personal reasons, +gladly forgiven. Some handwritings which are thoroughly legible are +extremely tiring to the reader, and the simpler, less ornate hand is +for every purpose preferable. + +The affectation of a handwriting which enables you to put but few +words on a page, is absurd and vulgar in the extreme. Yet, on the +other hand, a too delicate or minute hand is not desirable. +Legibility, neatness, and clearness are the salient virtues of a +letter. + +The use of the typewriter is confined to business. It is still very +bad form to use it for personal letters; but should elegant script and +small, clear forms of type, such as are furnished by one or two of the +machines now on the market, be in common use, there is little doubt +but what the speed of service and the advantages of clearness would +bring the typewriter into use in intimate, and perhaps at last into +more formal, social correspondence. The tendency seems to lie in that +direction. + + +_Sealing, Stamping, and Directing Envelopes_ + +Neatness is especially necessary in the folding of letters, and in +addressing, stamping, and sealing the envelopes. Haste and +slovenliness here take away the suggestion of compliment in the +courtesy of the note, and are as insulting as any rudeness of manner +can well be. + +The fastidious and leisurely still seal their envelopes with wax, +imprinting thus their monogram. The well-gummed envelope now in vogue +makes this superfluous for the ordinary informal letter. Addresses +should be written with an eye to legibility, and the stamp should be +affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the envelope with care and +neatness. Social invitations, although engraved and therefore +containing no handwriting, should always be sent with letter postage. + +Letters should be plainly and completely addressed to insure their +safe and prompt delivery. + +Persons who have a large business correspondence should use for it +envelopes on which their name and post office address are printed in +the upper left-hand corner. In social correspondence these should be +clearly written or engraved upon the back of the envelope. + +Sometimes where a business firm is small or little known, it +facilitates the delivery of a business letter to place the number of +the office room in a building upon the envelope. Where, however, the +firm is so large that probably the entire mail is carried from the +post office in bags, or where a post office box is doubtless made use +of instead of the carriers' delivery, even the street number is +superfluous. Letters for departments should be so marked. + +If the city is one of the largest in the country, the name of the +state is not added; as, New York City, Boston, Chicago, and +Philadelphia would stand alone. + +Only a business letter should have the word "City" in place of the +name of the city, and it is better to write the name, omitting, if you +choose, the state. This is permissible only when the central post +office is used, as the postmark of any suburban station might cause +confusion, and railway post office clerks, especially, should not be +expected to guess accurately the intents of a writer. + +When street addresses like "Broadway," "Park Row," "Aborn Drive," are +written, it is superfluous to write "St." after them. + +The older form of writing an address was to end each line with a +comma. The more recent style, and one coming into quite common use, is +to omit the comma, using only such punctuation as the sense of the +words within the line demands. Either way is permissible. + +Uniformity and concise clearness are characteristics of a well-written +address. An address should be written as follows: + + Mr. Frankel Banchman, + 15 Westland Avenue, + Philadelphia, + Pa. + +If the directions are to be included, then the following arrangement +is better: + + Mrs. Arthur L. Casson, + North Maplewood, + Chestnut County, + Care of Mr. Hiram Casson. N. Y. + +The sign of per cent is no longer used to signify "care of." + +A clergyman is addressed "The Reverend John L. Wrigley, D. D.," or, +less correctly, "Rev. John L. Wrigley, D. D.," which may be transposed +to "Rev. Dr. John L. Wrigley." The omission of the article before the +word "Reverend" is quite common. + +A physician is properly addressed, "Algernon Brigham, M. D.," and the +salutation is "Dear Dr. Brigham," or "Dear Doctor," if he is an +intimate friend. A man having the title of Doctor with any other +significance than that of Doctor of Medicine, is usually addressed +"Dr. Frederic V. Harlan." A very formal way, however, would be to +address such a one,--supposing each of the titles to be his,--as +"Professor Frederic V. Harlan, Ph. D." For the letter, the salutations +"Dear Professor Harlan" and "Dear Dr. Harlan" are equally correct. + +A letter to the President of the United States should be addressed +simply with that title and with no further specification of name, +whether it be official or social: as, "To the President of the United +States, Executive Mansion, Washington, D. C." The salutation should be +simply "Sir." The conclusion should be, "I have the honor to remain +Your obedient servant." If a social letter it may be addressed either +formally or "To the President of the United States, (Christian name +and surname), Executive Mansion," etc. The salutation would then be +"My dear Mr. President." + +The Vice President should be addressed officially in the same form; +that is, "To the Vice President, Hon. Chester A. Arthur." He should be +saluted, officially, "Mr. Vice President, Sir;" socially, "My dear Mr. +Arthur." + +In addressing the governor of a state the superscription should be, +"To His Excellency, The Governor of Massachusetts, State House, +Boston." The salutation should be "Sir," if official, but "Dear +Governor Barnard," if social. The conclusion of an official letter +should read, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Excellency's most +obedient servant." + +The mayor of a city is addressed, "To His Honor, The Mayor of +Chicago." Within, he is saluted officially as "Your Honor," socially +as "My dear Mayor Sewall." + +Ambassadors of any country, whatever their personal distinction, may +be given the title of "Honorable," and their rank placed after the +surname. As, "Honorable Whitelaw Reid, Ambassador to the Court of St. +James." They may always be addressed as "Your Excellency." + +The members of the Cabinet of the President of the United States are +always addressed as "Honorable," and the name of their department, or +their title added: as, "The Honorable, The Secretary of State." To +give the name would be superfluous, as in the case of the President. +On formal invitations, however, when the Secretary and his wife are +entertaining, the form is, "The Secretary of State and Mrs. Hay +request the honor," etc. + +Invitations which come to one because of his official position are not +intended for personal compliments, hence are addressed to the office, +not to the man personally. + +An invitation from the President of the United States is equal to a +command, and may not be declined. Other engagements must be broken for +it, and only grave calamity or illness should excuse one, the excuse +being frankly stated instead of mere formal expressions of regret. + +In ceremonious notes abbreviations should never be used. + +Should one address the ruler of England, the superscription would be, +"His Majesty, The King, London." The salutation would be, "Sir;" the +conclusion, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient +servant." + +"His Grace the Duke of Fife" is the form of address for a Duke; "My +Lord Duke" being the salutation, and "Your Grace's most obedient +servant" the subscription. + +In writing to the Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, one should +address the letter to "His Holiness, Pope ----, Rome." The salutation +should be "Your Holiness," but the conclusion remains the same form as +for other dignitaries. A Cardinal of the same church is addressed "To +His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal (surname)," and greeted as +"Your Eminence." Formality should be strictly observed. + +An Archbishop of the Church of England is addressed, "The Most +Reverend (name) His Grace the Lord Archbishop of (name of bishopric)." +The salutation is "My Lord Archbishop;" the subscription, "I have the +honor to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's most humble +servant." A Bishop is addressed "The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of +(name of diocese)." He is saluted "My Lord Bishop." + +In the United States the Bishops of the Protestant Episcopal Church, +who are not here Lords, are addressed, singly, as "The Right Reverend +(Christian name and surname). D. D.," or "The Right Reverend Bishop +of (name of diocese)." They are saluted, singly, "Most Reverend Sir." + +The word "To" may precede a formal or ceremonious address, adding to +the formality. + +An envelope containing a letter or card of introduction should never +be sealed, if presented in person by the party introduced. If, +however, he should deliver it by messenger,--an exceptional procedure, +and one not to be followed by a man except in unusual +circumstances,--the envelope may be sealed. + +No letter sent through the kindness of a friend should ever be sealed. +The envelope should bear, in the lower left-hand corner, the +acknowledgment of the favor in words like "Kindness of Miss +Hallowell." + + +_Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters_ + +A stranger should be saluted as follows: "Mr. Eugene Motley, My dear +Sir;" "Mrs. Alonzo Parmenter, Dear Madam;" or "Eugene Motley, Esq., My +dear Sir." These are forms slightly more formal than "My dear Mr. +Motley," or "My dear Mrs. Parmenter," which in America are strangely +considered more formal than "Dear Mr. Motley," or "Dear Mrs. +Parmenter," although in England the reverse is true. Therefore, a mere +acquaintance is addressed "My dear Mrs. Judson," while a friend is +addressed "Dear Mr. Clark." + +A married woman signs her name, as "Ethel Husted," and then puts her +formal name, "Mrs. Hollis Husted," in brackets a little to the left of +and a little below the other. + +Never sign a title. The name only is your signature. It may be +necessary to write the title in brackets and at the left, as "(Miss)" +or "(Mrs.)," but it should never be part of the signature. Such notes +as demand the use of the title are put in the third person. + +The date should be at the end of a social note, in the lower left-hand +corner, and should be written out, with the name of the year omitted +and no figures used. The grammatical form is "The ninth of December," +never "December the ninth," nor "December ninth." + +In business letters the salutation for a firm name is "Dear Sir," or +"Gentlemen." Where two married women go into business together, there +seems to be in English no combined title to take the place of the +French, so that is generally used, and that is "Mesdames," abbreviated +"Mmes." before their names. + +The formal conclusions of letters are: "Respectfully yours," used to a +superior; "Sincerely yours," or "Truly yours," used largely in +business, or the same forms with the adverb "Very" preceding them. +Less formal terms are: "Cordially yours," "Fraternally yours," or the +pronoun with any appropriate adverb which the originality of the +writer may suggest. Less abrupt, but not less formal, endings are: +"With best regards, I am," etc.; "With kindest regards, I remain," +etc.; "Believe me Very sincerely yours." + +For intimate letters either to relatives or friends no specified +suggestions are needed. The ordinary form, "Your affectionate +daughter," or "niece," etc., may, however, be employed, in dearth of +special inspiration. + +Distinction is sometimes made between business and social letters by +the position of "Yours,"--it being placed before the adverb in social +correspondence, and after in business. The tone of the letter may be +left to guide in this matter. There is an abruptness always somewhat +unpleasant in the use of the adverb alone. + +Make the beginning and ending of a letter the same in degree of +cordiality. Do not begin formally "My dear Madam," and end "Cordially +yours." + +Every letter should be signed with the full name of the writer. A +possible exception might be made of those addressed to members of +one's own family, where the use of the Christian name only would mean +no ambiguity, or where the signing of the surname gives a touch of +formality. It is well, however, to remember that letters placed in +the post take the chances of fortune, and, with the plainest of +addresses, may, by the absence of the person or for some other cause, +bring up in the Dead-Letter Office. Their resurrection there will +depend upon their containing the full name of the sender as well as +his address. If a letter is valuable enough to send, it is valuable +enough to sign, even if the signature be double,--first the familiar +or given name, and then, in the lower left-hand corner, the full name. + +It is well to use always the name which is your legal signature. This +will prevent confusion, and forestall the possibility of your putting, +from force of habit, the wrong form of your name upon a legal +document. + +It is well to write one's name in full. Three complete names are none +too many for individual distinction in so crowded a world as is ours. +If, however, the middle one is represented by an initial only, always +write it uniformly. It is better, if the form with initial only has +not become really established, to use the full name, although it may +be long. + +The form of one's signature and the style of the handwriting soon +become habitual. Therefore, every effort should be made to make and +keep it legible. An illegible signature is unpardonable,--save perhaps +on a page at the top of which a printed or engraved letterhead gives +the name in full. There is, however, the danger that the writer of the +illegible signature will sometime sign his name on a legal document, +or a sheet not bearing his letterhead, and the signature stand for +nothing. + + +_Letters of Introduction_ + +A letter of introduction should never be requested. If it is offered +it is a sign of great regard. If it is greatly desired, it might be +well to acquaint the person, in whose power it is to offer it, with +the circumstances and interests which make it desirable, but never to +do more than this. + +The advisability of giving letters of introduction depends upon the +circumstances. Between business acquaintances and for business +purposes, it is a common form of establishing connection among various +interests, and, if done with discrimination, is to be approved. It +should, however, even in business be done sparingly, as it is a matter +of personal friendship, usually, and as no one has a right to make +numerous or exacting demands upon one's friends. + +Socially it is a matter of great delicacy, and should have even more +restrictions put upon it than does the introduction in company. For +the written introduction is used because distance prevents the +personal one, and that usually throws the recipient of such a letter +into the position of host to the traveler or newcomer, or at least of +benefactor to some degree. It places upon him an obligation not +involved in the verbal introduction, and the presumption is that he is +to do some favor, or show some special attention. + +Letters of introduction may be explanatory or brief. Brevity is +preferable, but circumstances must determine. + +A visiting card is often used with the words "Introducing Mr. Allan +Golding to Mr. Morris," or similar form, written across the top. The +card should be enclosed in a small envelope and left unsealed. + +A brief form of letter simply says: "Permit me to introduce to your +favorable notice Mr. Silas Emerson." + +A more explicit form would be a letter the body of which would +resemble the following: + +"The bearer, Mr. Mark W. Allen, who is an old friend and neighbor of +mine, represents the Altmann Irrigation Company, and is desirous of +obtaining information in regard to the system of waterways lately put +into your county. Knowing your influential position in regard to all +matters of public interest, I have sent him to you in the hope that +you may be able to put him in touch with the people who will give him +the desired information. Any favor that you may do Mr. Allen, or any +courtesy that you may extend to him, will be deeply appreciated by +me." + +A purely social letter of introduction would say in substance: "Mrs. +Arthur L. Westmore, who presents this letter to you, is an intimate +and cherished friend of mine, and one whom I know you would desire to +meet. She is to spend some little time in your city, and any courtesy +that you may do her I shall deeply appreciate. I have told her of our +friendship, and she knows how highly I value you, and is eager to meet +you." + +When a letter of introduction is given, it is well to write the +receiver concerning the friend who will present it, that he may not be +taken unawares, nor continue long ignorant of the claims of that +friend upon him. + +A gentleman usually presents such a letter by calling in person and +sending in the letter, together with one of his personal cards, by the +servant who answers the bell, or by the office boy. A lady usually +mails the letter and one of her cards giving her address. She should +receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer of hospitality within a +day or two. + +A person who makes use of a letter of introduction should acknowledge +to the giver the courtesy he has received, with due gratitude. + + +_Letters of Recommendation_ + +Letters of recommendation should be sparingly given. It is becoming +less and less important, in the minds of experienced employers, to +demand references. The personality of the applicant counts, and the +varying traits which different positions cultivate make the +experiences of the past of but little guidance, save in a broad and +general way. + +The giving of recommendations at random, "To whom it may concern," is +also less done than formerly, as there is such uncertainty in regard +to their use. Instead of this, the servant is told that she may use +the former mistress's name as reference. The new, would-be employer +then writes a note of inquiry to the former employer. + +In replying to such a note great conscientiousness should be shown. +Full justice should be done the servant. Only the truth should be +told, and as much of it as a generous heart and wise conscience, +coupled with a sense of responsibility toward the inquirer, permit. +These letters should be brief and not effusive on any point, nor +evasive of the issue at stake. + +Never write to another, asking for information, or a favor of any +kind, without enclosing a stamped and addressed envelope for reply. + + +_Third-person Letters_ + +Letters are written in the third person in answer to formal +invitations so worded, and in correspondence between people but +slightly acquainted or known to each other only by reputation, persons +not social equals, and by tradespeople and their patrons. + +Great care should be taken to preserve the impersonal diction +throughout the letter, and to refrain from signing it. The tone should +always be formal and very polite. + +An order may take the form of a request, as "Will Mr. Sutherland +please . . . and oblige," with the signature of the writer. + + +_Informal Invitations and Announcements_ + +In inviting a friend to visit you, it is customary to mention the +length of the visit, setting a definite date for it and limit to it. +This makes it possible for both hostess and guest to arrange other +engagements. + +A time-table of the trains, if the guest comes from the distance, with +an account of the trolley lines, if from near at hand, should be +enclosed. + +The engagement of a daughter may be announced by informal notes to +one's whole circle of friends and acquaintances. The following form +of note may serve as a suggestion: "I am sure that you will join our +household in sympathy with Eleanor in her happiness when I tell you +that she has just announced her engagement to Mr. Harold Farnham, a +man of whom her father and I thoroughly approve. The wedding will not +take place for some months, but felicitations are in order." + + +_Letters of Condolence_ + +A letter of condolence should be short and quite sincere, or else the +courteous custom of sending it is more honored in the breach than in +the observance. + +Such letters should be sent very promptly. + +To expatiate to any extent whatever upon the bereavement is heartless +or thoughtless, and as there is no danger of ambiguity, the letter +does not need to account for itself in any way. + +The following letter is as explicit as any letter of condolence need +ever be, and the second form is preferable, unless great intimacy +makes the less abrupt one permissible. + + "DEAR MR. LEGROW: + + I have read of your bereavement with the deepest + sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I sympathize with + you and your children, or how my heart aches for you + in your loneliness. May you have strength and grace + to bear up under the great loss you have sustained. + + Sincerely yours, + MARGARET EDELSTONE." + + + "DEAR MRS. HILCOX: + You have my deepest sympathy. + Ever cordially yours, + MILDRED HASSELTINE." + + +_Answering Letters_ + +Business letters should be answered by return mail, as should also all +invitations to dinner or luncheon. + +All invitations should be answered within a day if possible, because +delay looks like a reluctance to accept. They should certainly be +answered, either personally or by letter, within a week after the +invitation is received. + +Friendly letters should have such promptness of response as +circumstances and the intimacy of the friendship demand. + +Notes of congratulation and felicitation should be sent promptly after +receiving the card or note announcement of an engagement or a birth, +and in the latter case at least, should be followed by a call. + +A personal visiting card, with the words "Thank you for sympathy" +written over the name, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of +condolence. To very intimate friends, however, the spontaneous note of +thanks would be more courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such a +time, to attend to matters of social intercourse, the sending of the +card is always permissible, and can occasion no offense, even if the +more intimate acknowledgment was hoped for. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS + +_Greetings and Recognitions_ + + +THE bow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the +United States to-day. The bow varies from a very slight inclination of +the head, as one gentleman passes another, or from the quick touching +of the hat with the hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military +salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of +European ceremonial courtesy. + +The usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders, with the eyes +kept on those of the person greeted, the hat being removed from the +head and held in the right hand during the bow,--which is at once +brief, deferential, and dignified. It may be accompanied by the +handshake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand. + +The degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous, determined +by the deference felt, or the emotions which the meeting may summon. +It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn or real disdain, for they +are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose, or in +the carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement of an eyelash, and +usually nobody is deceived. + +The correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near +together, the legs straight, and the entire body inclined from the +hips. This is somewhat too extreme for common use, and should be +modified always in public, the less elaborate bow being much +preferable upon the street or in public places. + +A woman bows more erectly than a man does, and gives perhaps as +cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting, +which should always be characteristic, and never mechanical, or in +imitation of others, whose natural traits may be far different, +however admirable she may consider their style to be. It is only when +she meets some one her senior, or in much more important social +position, or one whom she specially delights to honor, that she +elaborates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion +admit of the formality. + +A lady should be straightforward in her greeting, never condescending +to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow. +She should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting +another, and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of +such a meeting. + +The handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally +from the elbow and clasping, between the closed four fingers and thumb +of the hand, the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand, then +quietly shaking it. This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped +hands,--not the elbow,--to the height of the shoulders, and there +mildly shaking them, or clasping them with a slight pressure and +letting them drop,--styles savoring of affectation. The impulse +prompting the handshake,--that of getting together in intimate +personal greeting,--is accomplished when the clasp is ended, and +vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special pressure, or continued +holding of the hand, are all alike unpardonable. + +The bow is the least sign of recognition, and may mean little or much, +but its significance is known only to the two concerned. While it is +permissible in public places to make its cordiality, or lack of it, +apparent, it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private +social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial +courtesy. + +The bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance. It may mean +only a casual knowledge of one another's existence, due to some brief +coming together. Intentionally to neglect to bow, after a bowing +acquaintance has once been established, is an open affront, and +denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. The dropping of an +acquaintance by refusal to recognize, may, in our complicated social +system, sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified by the +necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more +flagrant social abuses. + +It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man whom she knows, to bow +first. Indeed, the man always waits for her to do so, unless he is a +very intimate friend. A woman should always be sure, before bowing to +a man, that she knows him and that she has caught his eye. + +When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he lifts his hat when she +bows to an acquaintance, even if the person is not known to him. So, +also, when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows, who is in the +company of a lady, he lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he +meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes his hat. + +When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one +only, it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she +requests him to replace it. This is done with social superiors and +to show great respect, being more ceremonial than finds common +acceptance among Americans. + +When he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady, he also lifts his hat. +It is proper for him to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a +lady, even though a total stranger, and upon leaving a lady with whom +he or a person accompanying him has been talking. + +It is well to return a bow which is directed to you, even if you do +not know the one bowing. This often saves considerable embarrassment +to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else. + +When passing before ladies seated in a lecture hall, or concert, a +gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them. + +In passing or repassing on the street or promenade, a single bow is +sufficient recognition, even though you may meet an acquaintance +several times. + +A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes hands with the stranger with +the same cordiality as with the friend. + +A gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in +hand-shaking. If a lady offers her hand, however, it would be very +rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy. + +Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, but have not +been introduced, are under no obligation to bow when they meet +elsewhere afterward, and usually do not. + +When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in the corridor of a hotel, +in the elevator of a private apartment house, or in the public rooms +of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger. + +This rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of +office buildings, with the exception, perhaps, of banks and such +offices as people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness of courtesy +has made men feel that, as women are winning an equality of position +in the business field, a delicate way of recognizing that equality is +by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the +social attentions. Another marked expression of this is in the fact +that a business man, when walking on the street with a business woman, +does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in +order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk. + +An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, social and business, is +often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife +of one of the men present, enters an office where there are both men +and women of equal business importance and social rank. There is an +elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who is in private life, +which would not be paid, and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if +paid, to the business woman, even though she were at once the active +vice president of the corporation and wife of the president. + + +_Introductions_ + +The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs. Allen, may I present Mr. +Brown?" Or, "Mrs. Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs. +Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." Where, however, the +permission need not be suggested, and the relative standing of the +people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs. Gleason, Mr. Ansel." + +When it is necessary to introduce one person to several, the form is, +"Mrs. Gladstone, I want you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, Mr. +Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one introduced simply repeats each +name and smiles as she greets each in turn. + +Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom, I want you to know my +friend, Mr. Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because of its +definiteness. + +The response to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or, "I +am very glad to meet you." + +If one does not catch the name of the person introduced, it is proper +to ask it, saying, "Pardon me, but I did not understand the name." + +Introductions should always be spoken distinctly, especially the +names. If, in introducing, one can add a sentence which will give a +subject of conversation, the preliminaries of acquaintance may be +speedily passed, and memorable information and real profit be gleaned +from even a casual meeting. + +It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch +and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction, +and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his +favor. + +Persons who have not been introduced are not considered acquainted. +The exceptions to this rule are the guests under a common roof, while +they are there. + +Introductions should never be indiscriminately made. There should be +willingness, if not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A hostess +is, however, warranted in introducing two people who she knows will be +congenial, or if they have before expressed a desire to become +acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the introduction will be +received by either, they should not be introduced. + +One should never introduce two acquaintances who reside in the same +town but move in different social circles, unless each had desired the +introduction. + +If there is a difference of station or age, then it is necessary only +to ask the older or more prominent person whether the introduction +would be acceptable. This should be done quietly, and quite out of +hearing or knowledge of the other person concerned. + +A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for an introduction to a lady +whom he wishes to meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the +mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman until he has made +sure that the lady is willing. + +It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one another indiscriminately, +nor should ladies be so introduced. One wishes to keep the boundaries +of one's acquaintance within certain definite limits, and choice is +easier made before acquaintance than after. So, one shows great care +in offering introductions to others, and exercises the same care for +one's self. + +If a hostess and her guest are out walking together, the hostess would +introduce to her guest every friend who happened to stop and speak +with her, and the guest, should she meet acquaintances of her own, +would introduce each of them to her hostess. This is practically the +only case where indiscriminate introducing is good form, and here the +obligations of hospitality safeguard it. + +A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman who has been introduced +to her, but a bow, a smile, and a repetition of the name are all that +is necessary where several introductions are being made, as at a +large reception or dancing party. + +A gentleman always offers his hand to another gentleman on being +introduced. + +An elderly lady may offer her hand in all introductions with perfect +propriety. + +If, while walking out with a friend, you meet another, do not +introduce the two. A transient meeting is of no particular moment to +them, and their friendship or acquaintance with you is not necessarily +of strong enough interest to make them desire acquaintance. If, +however, you meet at some public place, and are detained there +together for several minutes, then the introduction should be given. + +When meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance, friends may +introduce friends, but it is preferable to leave the introductions to +the hostess. + +It is no longer necessary to introduce each guest to everybody else at +a party. Introductions are made as opportunity or necessity may +dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and wholesale introductions +relieves two very embarrassing situations,--that of being introduced +by announcement to a whole roomful of people, and that of being taken +around and introduced to them singly. + +A mother may present her son, or a sister her brother, or a wife her +husband, if she so desires, without any question as to the propriety +of it. A man should not, on the other hand, introduce another man to +his wife, or a son or brother make a presentation of a man to his +mother or sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance could not but +be agreeable to the lady, and unless it meets with his own approval. +For it is a man's place always to safeguard a woman against +undesirable acquaintances. + +A woman, in introducing her husband, gives him his title, if he has +one, as "Judge Hartwell," "Doctor Foley." The wife of the President of +the United States speaks of him only as "The President," and in +presenting people to him, he is always addressed as "Mr. President," +with the invariable omission of his surname. + +A friend or acquaintance, no matter how distinguished, is always +presented to one's father or mother or one's intimate relative, where +the intimacy of the relation makes an honor more distinguishing, in +the mind of the introducer, than any of reputation or position. + +A young man should be introduced to an older man, a young woman to an +older woman. + +A man is always presented to a woman, never the reverse. + +If a lady is seated and a man is presented to her, she need not rise. +If two ladies, both seated, are introduced to each other, they should +rise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which case both remain +seated. Two gentlemen, though both are seated, rise and shake hands +when introduced. + +A young lady always rises when an elderly person is introduced. + +Introductions are not made at table. The guests at a dinner party +should be presented to one another in the drawing-room before coming +to the table, and if that is impossible, as many should be introduced +as may be, especially those who are to sit beside or near or opposite +each other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he has not met, the +man takes the initiative in speaking a few words as soon as he takes +his seat, to which the lady responds always cordially, keeping up more +or less of a conversation during the dinner. + +At dancing parties all those who are giving the party, as well as all +the ushers and those who receive, make introductions as general as +possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the guests during the +evening. + +An introduction at a dance carries with it the obligation on the part +of the man to ask the woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his +request unless her card is full. + +When traveling great care should be taken as to introductions. + +As a guest one should be ready and willing to meet any one whom his +host or hostess may introduce, even though it be an enemy. The +obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more heavily than in this +matter. They demand that impartial courtesy should be shown to every +one. + + +_Calls_ + +Calls must be made in person, rather than by card left by messenger or +post, after an invitation to dinner, luncheon, supper, or similar +function, and that within a week or, at farthest, two weeks of the +date of the affair. One should also call in person within two weeks of +any entertainment to which one has been asked, especially if one has +attended. + +One need repay formal calls, where no invitation to any social +occasion has been received, only once a year. Even in this case, cards +may be sent by mail. In the country it is usual to go in person, +though one does not ask if the lady of the house is at home. + +Calls should be made upon the "At Home" day, if one is engraved upon +the card. If a person is ill, a near relative, or intimate friend, may +leave a card for her at the house of the friend upon whom she wished +to call. + +Society holds young people who are free to attend parties and +entertainments under stern obligation to pay their social calls. +Young mothers, professional women, students, invalids, and +semi-invalids are not expected to conform rigidly to the same rules. +If a young woman can go to a party to amuse herself, she must call +afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the invitation. + +If a mother cannot call in person, her daughter or some one else may +pay the necessary calls in her stead. Or she may invite the people +whom she would otherwise call on, to an afternoon tea, which is more +of a compliment than a call. + +In calling at a house, should the door be opened by a member of the +family, the caller does not present her card to the lady or gentleman, +but steps in, asking for the person whom she wants to see. She may +leave her card unobtrusively on the table when she goes out. + +If a maid opens the door, the card is handed to her and received on a +small tray. No well-trained maid ever extends her hand to receive a +visiting card. + +If a caller wishes to be very formal, she leaves a card for every lady +in the family on whom she wishes to call. + +In the beginning of the season a wife always leaves her husband's card +with her own, and she usually does this also when making a call at the +close of the season. + +An unmarried woman calling on a married friend leaves only one card. +If the friend has daughters or is entertaining a guest, a card may be +left for each. + +A lady always rises to receive a visitor. + +It takes good judgment to know when to go, but it should be cultivated +and practised. Lingering in taking one's leave is a great weariness, +to one's hostess if not to one's self. + +After a birth calls are made upon the mother after the child is a +month old. + +After a death the friends of the family should call in person inside +of a month. The members of the family do not receive them, however, +unless they wish to do so. + + +_Social Calls of Men_ + +A man never carries or leaves the cards of other men, nor can he leave +cards for any of the women of his family. + +A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon at home leaves in the card +tray, on entering the house, a card for his hostess and one for his +host. The card for his host must be left, even if that gentleman does +not appear in the drawing-room, provided the caller is acquainted with +him, and providing he is calling in acknowledgment of some hospitality +recently received. + +If there is a host, hostess, and young lady daughter in the house, +and the caller is a friend of the latter, he leaves three cards. + +The man who is making his first or last call for the season on the +regular afternoon at home, leaves one card for each of the ladies, and +each one of the men of the household whose acquaintance he can claim. + +When a man calls on a lady's day at home, and his call has no +reference to any social debts, he leaves only one card in the tray. If +he is somewhat intimate in the house where the call is paid, he leaves +no card at all. + +A man does not call upon a woman unless she invites him, or some +member of her family does, or he goes with a mutual friend who has +made sure of his welcome. A woman may say to a man, "Mother and I are +usually at home Fridays, and would like to have you call," or some +other form of invitation which denotes cordiality. + +A man who desires to call in particular upon one lady, in a family +where there are several, hands his card to the servant with the words, +"Please give this to Miss Curley, and I would like to see all the +other ladies also." The ladies appear and greet him, withdrawing that +he may call upon the one he especially wished to see. + +If calling upon a guest in a home, you always ask for the hostess +also. + +A man retains his hat, gloves, and walking stick in hand during a +formal call, though he may have left his overcoat in the hall. + + +_First Calls_ + +In America it is the usual custom for residents of the city or town to +call first upon newcomers. Washington is a well-known exception to +this rule, as strangers there call first upon government officials and +their families. In most European cities newcomers call first upon +those already in residence. The residents, from the officials down, +return their cards, and the visitor or newcomer receives invitations +to social functions. + +In practice the resident does not usually know anything about the +stranger, and may not have even heard of her arrival. Sometimes the +newcomer sends out cards for several days in a month, to those with +whom she would like to become acquainted. If she can enclose the card +of a mutual friend, as a silent voucher for her social standing, her +position is more quickly and more surely granted her. + +Clergymen and their families, brides, and persons of note are entitled +to receive first calls. The older residents of the community are +expected to lead in the list of callers who welcome the newcomers. + +First calls should be promptly returned, within a week at the very +latest. + +A married woman making a first call upon a married friend sends one of +her own and two of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +THE PERSONAL CARD AND THE ENGRAVED INVITATION + + +_Form of Card_ + +A MAN'S card is usually one and a half by three inches in size, and +made of fairly stiff bristol board. A woman's card is usually about +two and three-sixteenths by three inches, and made of dull-finish, +fine, medium-weight bristol board. + +The color of cards is a fine pearl white. Cream or tinted cards are +never in good form. + +The engraving varies from plain script to elaborate Old English text, +or shaded Roman type, according to the fashion. The engraver may be +trusted to know the style and stock most in use. + +The card of an unmarried lady should be somewhat smaller than that of +the married. This distinction is made, however, only in case of the +card of the débutante. + + +_Inscription_ + +If there is room across the card the full name should be engraved. If +the names are too long, only the initials of given names should be +used. + +All inscriptions on one card should be in the same style of type. + +"Mr." is prefixed, unless there is a special title, such as, +"Reverend," "Doctor," "Colonel," etc. If a man should, in an +emergency, write his own name on a card, he would not prefix the +"Mr.," or any other title. The name should be written in full and +should be an autograph. + +A married lady should have her husband's full name, or such form or +parts of it as he uses, with the title "Mrs.," and not her own name. + +A young woman has the title "Miss" engraved before her name, even +though she be only a schoolgirl. + +A young man has no title at all on his card, but simply his full name. + +The newly married couple use a card with the title of "Mr. and Mrs." +for the first year after marriage, in returning their ceremonious +calls after the wedding, and paying formal calls when the husband is +unable to accompany the wife. These cards should have the address in +the lower right-hand corner, and the reception day or days in the +lower left. After the first year they are seldom used in paying calls, +but can be used for condolence, congratulation, or farewell where both +husband and wife desire to be formally represented. + +A woman who is personally distinguished, who occupies a high social +position, or whose husband stands at the head of his family, may have +only "Mrs. Barnaby," not "Mrs. John Barnaby," upon her cards. It is +better, however, not to do so unless one has the indisputable right to +be considered as _the_ Mrs. Barnaby of the locality. It is customary +for the wife of the oldest brother of the oldest branch of the family +alone to have the privilege of this form. + +The same rule of precedence applies to single women. The oldest +unmarried daughter of the oldest brother, and she alone, has the right +to use "Miss Campbell" on her card, although she may have a cousin who +is much older than herself, but who is the daughter of a younger +brother of the same family. + +A widow has no cards during her year of mourning, as she makes no +formal visits. After that, cards with black border to any depth +desired may be used. + +A widow has no legal right to retain her husband's Christian name, but +she often prefers to do so, and it is entirely proper, the question +being one of sentiment alone. In case there is a married son of the +same name as the father, then it is proper for the mother to put "Sr." +for Senior, at the end of her name, should she desire still to retain +her husband's Christian name. + +In such a case widows occasionally prefer to use their own names or +initials. + +In this country a married woman merges her name with that of her +husband. It is not uncommon nowadays for married women to sign their +own Christian name, their maiden surname, and their husband's surname +as their signature. There is value in this as it preserves the family +identity of the married woman, but the question of its legality may +always be raised. + +The name of daughter or daughters is often engraved below that of the +mother on her card, before the young woman enters formally into +society. The form "The Misses Smith" may be used, or the names given +separately. In New York in some circles the débutante is not given a +separate card until she has been in society a year. As American +schoolgirls often have a card with the prefix "Miss," the débutante +may use this among her girl friends. + +To write anything on an engraved card except "Condolences," +"Congratulations," "_P. p. c._," is not considered good style, +although a lady may use her visiting card with "Five o'clock tea," +"Music," or a special date written upon it as an informal invitation +to a musical or "At Home." + +A business or professional woman may have, in addition to her society +card, a card with her own name for business purposes. This usually has +a word or two denoting her profession in the lower left-hand corner, +and her business address in the lower right. + +A lady's card should always contain her home address in the lower +right-hand corner. Her afternoon "At Home" is usually given in the +lower left. + +The address is often omitted from cards for men, being engraved on +those of the women of the family. Men belonging to a fashionable or +well-known club put its name, instead of their residence, on their +cards. This is especially the case when they do not live at home. If +living at a club, the address is put on the lower left-hand corner; if +living at home, the lower right-hand corner. + +On a man's business cards the title "Mr." is omitted, the name of his +firm, their business, and address, being engraved in the lower +left-hand corner. + + +_Titles_ + +Titles which signify permanent rank, or profession that lasts for +life, and which are allied to a man's identity or distinctly bear +upon his social standing, should be used. + +Temporary titles, which have no special social rank or bearing, or +professional titles, such as "Esquire" for lawyers, which have no +social significance, are not used. + +For the same reason that temporary or technical titles are not used, +honorary titles are omitted. There should be no pretense in regard to +social position, as pretense is easy and futile. A man appears in +society simply as an ordinary individual, to win favor and position by +force of his personality, or to lose it thereby. + +An army or a naval officer, a physician, a judge, or a clergyman may +use his title on his card, as, for instance, "Captain James Smith," +"Judge Henry Gray," "Rev. Thomas Jones, D. D." The card of an +Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court at Washington +reads "Mr. Justice Holmes." Military or complimentary titles are not +used, nor are coats of arms. In this republican country it is +considered an affectation and bad taste so to make use of them. +Political and judicial titles are also omitted, as are academic +titles, such as Chancellor, Dean, and Professor. + +No title below the rank of Captain is used on the card in military +circles. A lieutenant's card would give his full name with the prefix +"Mr." and below it the words, "Lieutenant of Fifth Cavalry, United +States Army," or simply, "United States Coast Guard Service." + + +_Use_ + +The etiquette of the visiting card is a fluctuating one. It cannot be +laid down for all time, or even for next season. + +On entering at a reception, or afternoon tea, one leaves a card in the +salver offered by the butler or attendant who opens the door, or upon +the hall table, as a reminder to the hostess, who can hardly be +expected to remember, if entertaining a large number, every one who +has been there. + +One does not leave cards at a wedding reception, however. + +At an afternoon tea, it is no longer necessary to leave a card apiece +from all the members of the invited families to all the members of the +family of the hostess and her guests also. The single card for the +host and hostess is all that is required. + +Should one be invited to a series of receptions, one leaves cards only +once although one may attend twice. Leaving cards in person after a +tea or reception is good form only for ceremonious affairs. After the +usual private reception one should certainly call. + +If only one member of a family can attend a reception to which the +others have been invited, she may leave the cards of the others, +together with her own, with perfect propriety. + +Also when one is not able to attend a reception or an afternoon tea, +cards may be sent by mail, although it is better to send them by +messenger, to arrive on the day of the entertainment. One should call +within a fortnight. + +It is not now considered necessary to call in person where formerly it +was so held. The sending of the personal card often takes the place of +the call. Nor need this be done by messenger. Cards for any purpose +may now be sent by mail. + +After removing from one part of the city to another, it is customary +for ladies to send engraved cards with their new address and with +their reception day to all of their circle of acquaintances. + +A woman who is stopping for a brief time in a city where she has +friends, sends to them her card containing her temporary address and +the length of her stay, as "Here until June second," or "Here until +Sunday." + +A man, however, calls upon his friends, and if they are absent leaves +his card giving the same information. + +If a son old enough to go into society wishes to do so, his card is +left with his father's and mother's at the beginning of the season. +He will then be invited to the functions given by the friends of his +parents. + +When there is illness or mourning in the household, friends leave +their cards with the words "To inquire," "Sincere condolence," or +"Sympathy" written upon them. + +The card which accompanies wedding gifts should be the joint card of +"Mr. and Mrs.," if the gift is sent jointly, and may well have the +words "Best wishes and congratulations," written upon it. + +The initials "_P. p. c._," meaning "_Pour prendre congé_," or "To take +leave," are written upon one's personal cards, which are then sent out +to one's friends when one is going away from a place either +permanently or for a long time. They are usually written in the lower +left-hand corner of the card. These cards may be sent by post, when +the person leaving town has not the time to make a personal visit. +They are not used when leaving town for the summer. + +It is quite proper to send or leave "_P. p. c._" cards when one goes +away from a summer resort, especially if the people to whom they are +sent do not live during the year in the same town or city with the +sender. + +It is no longer permissible to fold over the ends of a card, to +signify that it was intended for all the members of the family. + +The birth of a child may be announced by a small card containing the +full name of the child daintily engraved, with the date of the birth +in the lower left-hand corner. The card is tied to the mother's card +by white ribbon, and both are enclosed in one envelope and sent by +post. + +Visiting cards for those who are in mourning are the same size as the +ordinary card. The width of the black border is regulated by the +degree of the relationship to the deceased. + + +_The Engraved Invitation_ + +A fine grade of heavy, unglazed, pure white paper, suède finish, in +double sheet folded to a size about five by seven and a half inches, +or less, inserted in an envelope of the same width but half the +length, is used for the billet on which wedding invitations and +announcements are engraved. The impress of the plate demarks a margin +of about an inch. + +A heavy or medium grade of white bristol board is used for invitations +to "At Homes," dinner, receptions, dances, and all like social +functions for which the common visiting card is not used. The size +used varies with the number of words in the invitation, and may be +quite large, as for a club or society reception, or formal openings or +special occasions where a business corporation is the host. These +cards have the same plate margin as the wedding invitation, although +it is much narrower. Only the most formal invitations have space left +for the writing in of the name of the guest. + +The billet, however, has certain advantages, especially where the +occasion is very formal and select, and the information which should +be furnished the guest is considerable. Elegance of this sort is now +very costly. + +Several styles of type are in use: namely, the script having close +round letters, and being as nearly black as Roman or Old English when +engraved; a script lighter and more cursive; an Old English lettering; +a shaded Roman letter, which is constantly growing in popularity; +shaded Caxton; solid and shaded French script; and a plain Roman block +letter. + +The script is the type most commonly used, both because of its beauty +and legibility, and because of the comparative inexpensiveness of +engraving, the cost being about half of that of either the Old English +or the shaded Roman type. + +It is obvious that the size of page in this book will not permit +facsimile reproductions of specimens of invitations and other social +forms, which in nearly every case require a different proportion of +space than the page offers. Therefore, to reproduce the style of +lettering used for these forms has not been attempted. The examples +present correct wording and proportionate arrangement. + +The following plates, which are exact photographs of steel and copper +engraving, present several styles of script, Old English, and shaded +and plain Roman faces, but do not represent more than a few sizes, and +those the most common. + +[Illustration: Type styles and sizes for invitations] + + _at the Church of the Messiah_ + + _Two Dancing Parties_ + + _request the pleasure of_ + + _At Home_ _At Home_ + + =announce the marriage of= + + =BROOKLINE, MASSACHUSETTS= + + =First Unitarian Church= + + =request the honour of your presence= + + _=Mr. and Mrs.=_ _=New Hampshire=_ + + =ANNOUNCE THE MARRIAGE OF= + + =Mr. and Mrs.= + + =at Emmanuel Church= + + =at Warren, Pennsylvania= + + _=Mrs. William Howell Meade=_ + + _Mrs. William Howell Meade_ + + =Mrs. William Howell Meade= + + =MRS. WILLIAM HOWELL MEADE= + + +_Dining and Party Invitations_ + +The engraved card invitation for a luncheon is usually worded as +follows: + + _Mrs. Everetts S. Sinclair + requests the pleasure of your company + at Luncheon + on Tuesday, February nineteenth + at one o'clock + Hotel Willard_ + +The dinner invitation is identical, except that for "Luncheon" is +substituted "Dinner," and the hour is usually half after seven or +eight o'clock. To this, or to any other dining invitation, may be +added in the lower left-hand corner the words "Please reply," or, "The +favor of a reply is requested." + +The party invitation may take either of the two following forms: + + _Mrs. Harold Harmon Williams + requests the pleasure of your company + at a dancing party to be given + at the Glendale Country Club + Wednesday evening, December the twenty-ninth + from eight until eleven o'clock_ + + + _Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Fairfield Watson + request the pleasure of_ + + _company at The Somerset Club + on the evening of Friday the ninth of February + from nine until one o'clock + Dancing and Bridge 95 Jackson Boulevard_ + +The blank invitation is very convenient, as it may be sent out at +short notice, and is definite and personal. The following is a form +which lends itself to any one of the usual kinds of home +entertainment: + + _Mr. and Mrs. St. John Ambrose Lockwood + request the pleasure of_ + + ........................................ + + _company at_............................ + + _on_............................ + + _at_................................ + + _97 Washington Avenue_ + +When, on an engraved invitation of any sort, be it wedding or dinner +or any other, a blank line or lines are left for the insertion of the +name of the guest, there is danger that, unless this is done with +great care and by an able penman, the beauty of the invitation be +ruined, and therefore its cost thrown away. For that reason a wholly +engraved invitation is perhaps better, unless the work of addressing +them and inserting the name is to be done by a professional penman. Of +course, when this is done and well done, there is a personal touch, a +suggestion of individual welcome, which can be gained in no other way, +and which the wholly engraved invitation lacks. + +When an entertainment is given by a family at some place other than +their home, the invitations have the name of the place and the street +address put in at the usual place on the invitation, and then in the +lower right-hand corner the words "Please reply," with the home +address. + +A bachelor or widower uses his name alone at the top of the +invitation. He will, of course, provide a chaperon, who in many +respects takes the place of a hostess and so acts, but her name does +not appear upon his invitation, unless she be his sister or near +relative. The invitation then becomes a joint one, after the usual +form. + +A widower with daughters may send out invitations headed in either of +the following forms: + + _Mr. John Marquand_ + _Miss Marquand_ + _Miss Estelle Marquand_ + +or + + _Mr. John Marquand_ + _The Misses Marquand_ + +For a dinner followed by a dance there are two invitations, the one a +dinner invitation at an early hour for the favored few, the other a +dancing party invitation at a later hour. + +Clubs have blanks which may be filled in by their members when they +wish to entertain. These are issued in the club name, and are like any +other private invitation, except that at the bottom and to the left +"Compliments of" is engraved, and the name of the member who is +special host is written in. + +Invitations containing the words "_Bal Poudre_" signify that the +entertainment is a masquerade or fancy dress party, and the guests are +expected to come in fancy costume with powdered hair. + +The word "ball" is used of an elaborate formal dance, usually a public +one given by some club or for charity, and rarely of a private dance. + +In spite of the predominance of the engraved invitation for the most +formal affairs, still small dinners, and even receptions and dancing +parties, are sometimes announced by the handwritten invitations. The +form should be the same as the engraved one, although to very intimate +friends it should be changed to a friendly note. + +Acceptances are in the form of the invitation. If that is an informal +note, the acceptance or regret is sent in the same style. If the +invitation is formal, the reply also should be written in the third +person and be about as follows: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Allston B. Sinclair + accept with pleasure the kind invitation of + Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Emanuel Farrington + for dinner + on Thursday, the ninth of December + at half after eight o'clock_ + +The reply to an invitation should be sent to the person or persons who +issued it, never to any other member of the family, although such a +one may be better known. + +To write the word "Regrets" on one's visiting card and send it in +declination of any invitation is bad form, even if the invitation come +in similar shape. One should always write a note of regret. + +Bachelors and widowers, who entertain at their apartments or studio or +club, and army and navy officers never use the words "At Home," but +always "request the pleasure (or honour) of your presence." + +If one is entertaining a guest and an invitation is received, one may +with propriety ask the hostess for an invitation for one's guest, if +the form of entertainment is so general as to make this right and +reasonable; otherwise one must decline the invitation. It would not be +right to ask for another dinner invitation, or one to a select group +of people, where the guest would be an intruder. + +It is preferable and a much later form to use the words "Please +reply," or "An early reply is requested," rather than the abbreviation +"_R. s. v. p._" for "_Rèpondez, s'il vous plaît_," meaning "Reply, if +you please." + +If a son should return from college or other absence, and the parents +wish to entertain for him, their invitations would have at the bottom +the word "For" followed by his name. + +In sending out invitations, one should be sent to the father and +mother jointly, one to each son separately, and one to the daughters +jointly, the latter being addressed "The Misses Estabrook." + +Invitations should be sent to people in mourning, although they are +not expected to accept. They should not be slighted or forgotten +during such a period. + + +_Wedding Invitations and Announcements_ + +The following are the usual forms of wording for the wedding +invitation: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Reinhard Ernst Ormond_ + _request the honour of your presence_ + _at the marriage of their daughter_ + _Eida_ + _to_ + _Dr. Otto Bertelli_ + _on Wednesday, the first of April_ + _nineteen hundred and thirteen_ + _at twelve o'clock_ + _Church of the Messiah_ + _St. Louis, Missouri_ + + + _Mr. Arnold Hamilton Forsyth_ + _requests the pleasure of your company_ + _at the marriage reception of his daughter_ + _Margaret_ + _and_ + _Mr. Walter Mallory_ + _on the evening of Wednesday, the twenty-ninth_ + _of June_ + _one thousand nine hundred and twelve_ + _from eight until ten o'clock_ + _17 Elm Hill Avenue_ + _Philadelphia, Pennsylvania_ + _R. s. v. p._ + + + _Dr. and Mrs. Maurice Howe Cavanaugh_ + _request the honour of_ + + _presence at the marriage of their daughter_ + _Rebecca Falmouth_ + _to_ + _Mr. Charles Hunnewell Clark_ + _on Monday, the ninth of July_ + _at eight o'clock_ + _Church of the Redeemer_ + _Washington_ + +The usual form of marriage announcement is as follows: + + _Mr. and Mrs. William T. Kimball_ + _announce the marriage of their daughter_ + _Dorothy Lucinda_ + _to_ + _Mr. LeRoy L. Hallock_ + _on Wednesday, the first day of December_ + _one thousand nine hundred and twelve_ + _Chicago, Illinois_ + + + _Mr. Arthur Edmand Sawyer_ + _and_ + _Miss Emma Pauline Farrington_ + _announce their marriage_ + _on Sunday the sixteenth of July_ + _one thousand nine hundred and ten_ + _at Boston, Massachusetts_ + +The "At Home" card of the bridal couple, which goes with a wedding +invitation, does not have the name of the couple upon it, but reads +simply + + _At Home_ + _after the first of November_ + _1219 Pennsylvania Avenue_ + _Washington_ + +When an "At Home" card is included in a wedding _announcement_, +however, the name of the couple appears upon it, as follows: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Albion Frederick Marston_ + + _Will be at home_ _763 Chapel Avenue_ + _after the first of August_ _Toronto_ + +For the card of invitation to the wedding reception the wording is as +follows: + + _Reception_ + _immediately after the ceremony_ + _Eight Salem Street_ + +or + + _Reception_ + _immediately after the ceremony_ + _in the church parlors_ + +In the case of a church wedding, it is always well to enclose with the +invitation a small card reading: "Please present this card at the +church on August the third." + +In case the wedding takes place in the country and invitations are +sent to many friends in the city, a card giving directions as to what +train to take, and where, which is to be presented to the conductor +instead of a ticket, and which entitles the possessor to special +accommodations, is enclosed with the invitation. + +Wedding invitations, or announcements, and their accompanying cards, +are enclosed in two envelopes, one within the other, of the same +stock as the billets. Upon the outer is written the name of the person +and his street address; upon the inner only the name of the one for +whom it is intended. + +Wedding invitations should be addressed to "Mrs. Chandler Jones," on +the outside envelope. Within this is a second envelope addressed to +"Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones." The older custom is to address the +outside envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones," as well as the +inside. The lady of the house is now, however, beginning to be looked +upon as head of its social affairs, as her husband is of its business +affairs, and hence the style of addressing invitations to her. + +The words "And Family" are no longer used after the parents' names, +but separate invitations are sent to the members. + +It is quite the courteous thing to include among the people invited to +a wedding, especially if it is to be in a church, the special business +friends and associates of the bridegroom-elect, his father, and the +bride's father. + +In case the invitations are for the ceremony only at a church wedding, +the address of the bride's parents should be embossed upon the outside +envelope. + +Acquaintances purely professional do not receive cards to a wedding. +One's physician, however, if his family is prominent socially, may be +included among the guests. + +Announcement cards should be quite ready to post immediately after the +ceremony. They should be sent to all the circle of friends and +acquaintances of both the bride's and the bridegroom's families, save +to those who have been invited to the marriage or the wedding +reception. + +The announcement of an "At Home" or reception should always be made on +a separate card,--not on a corner of the wedding invitation or +announcement. + +An immediate reply is necessary when one is invited to a home wedding. +If the wedding is a church wedding, and there is no reception +following it, one makes no reply if one intends to be present, but +sends one's card upon the date set, if one cannot attend. + + +_Various Announcement Cards_ + +In case of the postponement of a wedding or a dinner or reception +because of some grave accident or illness, the cancellation of the +invitations, or the announcement of the postponement, should be +engraved and sent out at the earliest possible date. + +For a wedding it may read somewhat as follows: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Maynard S. Taylor_ + _regret to announce_ + _that on account of serious illness in the family_ + _the marriage of their daughter_ + _Emmeline and Mr. Fosdick Arlington_ + _will be indefinitely postponed_ + +A family which has passed through a period of calamity and bereavement +may wish to make some acknowledgment of the attentions of friends, and +may do so in some such form as follows: + + _The brothers and sisters of_ + _Dr. Ralph J. Harkins_ + _gratefully acknowledge_ + _your kind expression of sympathy_ + +The special "At Home" card which is used for a reception in honor of a +friend or guest may contain the name of the friend either on the first +or the last line of the invitation, with the words "To meet" before +it; as: + + _Mrs. Ernest L. Lafricain_ + _At Home_ + _Thursday, December twenty-third_ + _from four to six_ + _275 Grand Pré Avenue, Montreal_ + _To meet Mrs. Jackson Seymour Montgomery_ + +For a general reception the following form is good: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Henry Illington Bray_ + _Mr. and Mrs. Harold Bray_ + _request the honor of your presence_ + _on New Year's Day_ + _from four until half after seven o'clock_ + _174 Albemarle Street_ + _Winnipeg_ + +The private engraved card for Christmas and New Year greetings, which +may be sent to one's entire list of friends, is much in favor. Great +distinction and individuality of design and selection of sentiment may +be obtained by this means. The following is an appropriate form: + + "_The glory breaks + And Christmas comes once more_" + + _Mr. and Mrs. Nathaniel Clarke Sutherland + cordially greet_ + + _with every good wish of the Season_ + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC + + +THE test of the depth of one's courtesy is found in one's attitude to +strangers and the public at large. If one observes toward them the +little courtesies, then one may be safely trusted to keep to the +highest ideal of social intercourse in times of emergency and rigid +testing. + +Always in a public place the real gentleman and lady will be +unobtrusive, speaking quietly, and showing in their manner that they +each believe himself and herself but a single unit in the world of +humanity, and therefore not entitled to monopolize attention. They +will go about their business with none of that idle curiosity which +forms the street crowd. + +In places of public amusement, they will show true courtesy by not +coming in late,--that is, by being on time or missing the performance. +They will not rustle their programs needlessly. They will so dispose +of their coats and wraps that others will not be inconvenienced by +them, even if it takes them an extra ten minutes at the close of the +evening to obtain them from the cloak room. + +They will not talk or whisper to each other during speaking or singing +on the stage, or at any time when so doing will make it difficult for +others to hear what is going on. They will applaud temperately, and +with only that degree of fervor which is for the best interests of the +audience and the actors as a whole. That is, at a concert they will +not so applaud one artist as to break up the program. + +At formal business meetings they will take pains to conform to +Parliamentary usage, which is really only the etiquette of debate, and +will not insist upon rights which have been ruled out, or in word or +manner express a disorderly spirit. "The greatest good of the largest +number" will be the rule of their deportment in public. + +At a social occasion of any sort, every one present is under +obligation to do what he can to add to the general pleasure. If he +cannot or will not, he should remain away. If he is asked to play a +musical instrument or sing, he should do so without urging, for his +talents, except in very special cases wherein he would not be asked, +are or should be at the disposal of the company, or at the request of +his hostess. Any voluntary or requested performance of this sort may +be as brief as he pleases, and should be brief, unless his talent is +so great that there can be no possible doubt of its acceptability, and +he is in a generous mood,--a combination of circumstances rare in any +but the most talented circles. + +If you turn the pages of music for a musician, do so in a quiet and +self-forgetful manner. Interest in you is quite subordinate to +interest in the performer. + +Do not by extravagant applause encourage parlor recitations, for +mediocre talent is always profuse. + +It is a mark of good breeding to control or at least conceal one's +moods, so that in company one always appears to be content, if not +happy. It adds much to the happiness of others to give this +impression, and is therefore generous as well as wise. + +It is always rude to interrupt with conversation, or yawning, or any +motion, a musical performance, or any entertainment whether public or +private, in which those about one are interested. One should retire if +he cannot refrain. + +Behavior in church may be taught in one great principle, providing +that principle is fundamental enough. The sense of reverence for the +things of the spiritual life may be felt, if not comprehended, by even +the child. No amount of "Don't's," if the spirit of worship be not +instilled, will avail to make the child of any age an attentive and +reverent worshiper or even attendant at church. + +The sense of worship will forbid whispering and chatting with friends, +the noisy turning of the leaves of hymn-book or Bible, or an +indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in prayer. + +Another sign of the same reverence is the careful observance of +punctuality at the service. A church service is, by its very nature, a +more intimate and important service to the attendant than any other. +Therefore, to come in late, thus distracting the attention of those +who have gone to church for meditation or worship, is a far more +flagrant offense against the rights of others, than is the disturbing +of their pleasure at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance. + +The habit of a vacant or absent mind in company is a grave fault, and +works greatly to the detriment of one's reputation for intelligence, +in spite of all else that one may do to establish it. + +Straightforward attentiveness is the attitude of most profit and +enjoyment in society. One learns then what other people are thinking +about, and becomes more and more active mentally. Such an attitude +establishes the confidence of others in one's sincerity and +intelligence. + +Inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm. No one cares to talk twice +with a person who, no matter what his wit or ability to entertain, has +betrayed one into divulging facts or making remarks which he regrets. + +Upon the street a gentleman always takes the outside of the walk, when +with a lady, the custom having come down from the days when dangers +beset the path, and the man had to be at the point of vantage for the +protection of the woman. + +When a married woman and an unmarried girl are walking together, the +married woman takes the outside of the walk. + +In passing single file other people or some obstacle, the gentleman +always steps back and allows the lady to precede him. If, however, the +way is crowded or there is necessity that she should be protected, he +goes first. + +In entering a hotel dining-room the lady always goes first. + +A lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless she is blind, infirm, or +crippled, or in a turbulent crowd. + +The considerate person will not enter even a public hotel late at +night, much less a home, his own or any other, in a noisy, careless +fashion. Those who are asleep deserve as great consideration as if +they were awake, and more also. + +The modern courtesy of letting each one pay for himself in a car, a +train, a restaurant, or a theatre, is a much more rational one than +the older form of permitting one to act as host, as if he were in his +own house. A gentleman might offer to pay for others, if he wished to, +but he should not insist upon paying; nor should any one carelessly or +designedly permit his expenses to be paid by another, unless he +himself expects to offer equal hospitality at another time. + +In entering a carriage or automobile, one should step promptly, +without either loitering or haste. If one is to sit facing the horses +or the front of the automobile, and there is but one step to take, one +puts the left foot on it. If there are two steps, the right foot +should take the first, the left the second. If one is to face in the +opposite direction from what the vehicle is going, one should use the +right foot first in case of the one step, and the left foot first in +case of the two. + +When two ladies who are guest and hostess are driving together, the +guest should enter first, taking the farther seat, facing the front of +the carriage, so that it will not be necessary for her hostess to pass +her. When a mother and daughter enter a carriage, the mother precedes, +and the daughter sits by her side if no other lady is present. In case +of two daughters, the elder sits by the side of the mother, and the +younger sits opposite. + +The fashionable hours for driving are from two-thirty to five in the +winter, and from three to six-thirty in the summer. + +Young women never ride horseback in cities or in public parks without +an escort. In the country the rule is not so rigidly enforced. In case +a groom is the escort, he rides slightly behind, keeping watch that he +may be of service. + +A riding-habit should be absolutely neat, simple, and inconspicuous. +The hat should be plain, the hair compactly done, and the whole effect +of the costume trim serviceableness and grace, rather than prettiness. + +In mounting a horse a woman gathers up her habit in her left hand, and +stands close to the horse with her right hand on the pommel of the +saddle. The man who assists her stoops and places his right hand with +the palm up at a convenient distance from the ground. The lady then +puts her left foot into his hand, and springs up into the saddle with +his assistance. + +It is necessary, first, to have a firm seat; secondly, a skillful hand +on the rein. One should sit in the middle of the saddle, in an easy, +natural position, with the body not stiff but supple and responsive to +the motion of the horse. The elbows should be well in to the side, in +a line with the shoulders, and the hands should be relaxed and yet +responsive to the slightest pull of the rein. + +It is no longer considered wise and necessary for a woman to use a +side saddle. In the freedom of a graceful divided skirt, she strides +the saddle as do the men, and therefore has an equal chance with them +to ride gracefully and safely,--a privilege which fashion long denied. + +To keep to the right always is the only safe rule in the United +States. In England and Canada the rule of keeping to the left is +observed with the same rigidity. + +In business life it is not good form to dine with your employer. This +does not include a ban upon those business dinners, where there is a +group of people, the majority of them men, with one or two unmarried +business women of equal or superior business standing, who meet over +the dinner table to talk of business problems. That occasion has its +own etiquette, and one which the business man or woman readily +fashions for himself or herself, and which follows the rules of +business expediency rather than social life. + +It is not necessary to recognize in society a strictly business +acquaintance unless you wish to do so. + +Neatness demands that the traveler always carry his own toilet +articles, and not depend upon the public supplies, which are, +however, supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emergencies. + +The dress for traveling should be plain and simple, suited to the need +rather than elaborate. The effect of crumpled finery is so very +unpleasant that no person of taste will make a display of it in a +public conveyance. + +If you wish to leave your seat in a train, a coat or bag placed upon +it is sufficient to reserve it for you. The removal of a coat or bag +so placed is a very great rudeness. + +A gentleman will give up his seat to two ladies, or to a gentleman and +lady traveling together, as he can be more readily accommodated in the +single seats than can they. + +It is courteous for a gentleman who has a vacant place in the seat +with him to offer it to a lady who is standing, and so prevent her +from feeling that she is intruding in taking it, if there are no other +seats vacant. + +When a man opens a door for a woman who is a stranger, or offers her +any other civility, or begs pardon for some blunder, he takes off his +hat to her. + +While traveling alone, it is not necessary or wise to be resentful of +polite remarks or attentions. They should be met with equal +politeness. Quiet dignity and tact will terminate without offense any +conversation which has grown too familiar or tedious. + +The comfort of all in the car, not of one individual, should be +consulted in the opening of windows and doors, and the consent of +those sitting near should be gained. + +It is a grave breach of good manners to monopolize a dressing-room for +quite a period of time. One should be as expeditious as possible, and +should not seriously inconvenience others, even if he deprives himself +of some of the comfort he desires. + +It is not well to travel unless you can afford it. If you can and do +travel, deal courteously and generously with those who serve you. + +Ask questions only of officials of the road or the ship, or of +policemen in the street. + +The exchange of visiting cards with strangers, unless under unusual +circumstances, is unwise and bad form. + +Ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself, unless she is under escort of +a relative or intimate friend to whom she gives the right to pay for +her. When she enters a car alone and there meets an acquaintance, she +always pays her own fare, unless the acquaintance may be an old and +intimate friend. + +When a lady is taking a long trip under escort of some gentleman +friend, it is proper for her to reimburse him for his expenditures in +her behalf. She should hand him her purse with which to purchase her +ticket. + +The munching of nuts, fruit, or candy in a crowded public conveyance +is a serious offense against those about you. A neat lunch, quietly +eaten at an appropriate hour, is not offensive and is quite +permissible. But one should not impose even the odor of food upon +people who are forced to be near, and who may find it extremely +disagreeable. + +The recent passage and enforcement of laws regarding expectoration in +public places is a great step in advance, and must be rigidly +maintained for the sake of the public health. The chewing of gum, +while no menace to society, is as unesthetic and disgusting as +expectoration, and should fall under as righteous if not as severe a +ban. + +In a car or train do not fan yourself so vigorously that the person in +front of you feels the air current upon the back of his neck. A book +or newspaper should not be placed so that it rubs constantly against +the hat of the person in the seat in front. + +Pushing, shoving, and all like methods of getting people to move out +of your way, or of getting ahead of others, are marks of great +rudeness, and have a tendency to retard rather than aid one's progress +through a crowd or into a car. The quiet, good-natured crowd disperses +most rapidly. + +At the ferry and all prepayment places, have the right change in +hand, so that you do not keep back those who are in a rush to catch a +boat or a car, by fumbling for your money or making the receiver make +change. + +Do not carry an umbrella carelessly. You are as culpable if you injure +another as another would be if he injured you. + +To converse in loud tones or talk of personal matters anywhere in +public shows great lack of fine feeling and good breeding. + +Never show hostility, nor permit people to quarrel with you. The +irritability which crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary to +adhere, from principle, to the rule of strict good-will toward all. + +If you are escorting a woman, do not permit her to suffer any +discomfort; but if, by chance, she does, do not pick a quarrel with +the person who caused it. Firmly but quietly afford her protection, +but do not demand satisfaction for discomforts or insults for which +there is no satisfaction and whose discussion only increases the +offense. + +A lady need feel no embarrassment if she is obliged to spend a few +days in a hotel alone. Upon entering she would go to the desk and make +arrangements for a room. When the choice is made she surrenders her +hand bag to the bell-boy, who conducts her to her room. She should, +for her own convenience and protection, deposit valuables or large +sums of money with the hotel proprietor in the office safe. Then the +responsibility becomes his, but he does not assume it if they are left +in the room. Upon leaving her room, she should lock her trunks and +door, and leave the key with the clerk at the desk. + +A lady's deportment in a hotel is that of quiet reserve, but not of +haughty distance. She should dress simply and plainly, so as not to +attract attention, as she is in a public place. The only time when +elegant dress is permissible at a hotel is when one is with an escort, +or is one of a group of people so dressed in order to attend some +function. + +A lady will not stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, will not +loiter about the hotel office, or walk out alone upon the piazza or +any conspicuous place, or stand at the windows of the parlor. She will +remember that she is in a public place, where she may encounter all +classes of people, so she will not permit herself any of the liberties +of a home. She will not go through the halls humming or singing, or +take a book or newspaper from the public parlor and carry it off to +her room, even if she does shortly return it. She will not, even in +her own room, make such noise as will attract attention or disturb +other guests. + +She will not call a cab herself, but will summon a bell-boy and have +him attend to it. After her baggage is packed she will let the +servants attend to it, even to the handing her of her umbrella and +hand bag after she is in the carriage. She will never take the liberty +of chiding a servant, but will make a necessary complaint to the clerk +at the desk. + +To open a window in the parlor of a hotel, when others are by and may +be discomforted, is a breach of politeness. Also it is not right that +even an accomplished musician or singer should use the piano of the +hotel parlor, if others are in the room, unless he has received a +unanimous invitation to do so. + +One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or the dining-room without +being thought forward or intrusive, and also may respond to such +greetings without compromise, as such acquaintance does not imply or +demand recognition elsewhere. + +A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table, will decide quickly what +dishes she wishes, and order them distinctly but quietly. She will +wait patiently to be served, without any display of embarrassment. It +is allowable to read a newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not +good taste to bring books to the table at any time. If she desires a +dish which she sees, but the name of which she does not know, she will +not point to it, but will indicate it to the waiter by her glance and +her description. + +If she has friends or makes table acquaintances, she will talk with +them in a low tone. She will never talk with some one at another +table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such as the passing of food, +is offered her by either a lady or a gentleman, she will express her +thanks, but will not start a conversation. + +The usual good manners of cultivated people, emphasized by the +additional restraint which the presence of the public imposes, is a +safe standard of etiquette in a hotel. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE ART OF BEING A GUEST + + +JUST as the host and hostess, in sending out an invitation, obligate +themselves to make everything as enjoyable as possible for their +guest, so a guest, in accepting, obligates himself or herself to meet +the efforts of the host and hostess at least halfway. Success in the +art of being a guest depends more upon the spirit in which one accepts +of entertainment than upon the entertainment offered. + +A formal dinner is one of the most solemn obligations of society. +After having once accepted the invitation, only death or mortal +illness is an excuse for not attending. + +One may attend a formal reception and not expend more than twenty +minutes of time, if one wishes to be very prompt. The round of social +duty there is brief. A lady removes her wrap, but not her hat or +gloves, in the dressing-room, and thence goes directly to the +drawing-room. The guest here greets the host and hostess, briefly if +the reception is large and the flow of incoming guests constant, then +passes to the room where the refreshments are served. After partaking +of these, the guest may leave without bidding adieu to the hostess, +unless the reception is small and she is free to speak a second time +with her guests. + +If one is present at an afternoon tea or reception, it is not always +necessary to call afterwards; yet, many hostesses expect such a call +if the affair has been formal. One should certainly call after a tea +given to introduce a débutante, or a wedding reception, or one given +in honor of some special person or event. + +If a guest is not pleased with the food provided at a luncheon or +dinner, or for any special reason cannot eat of any one dish, he +should try and satisfy himself with something else, and make no +comment upon it, doing his utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking +that she has not well provided for him. + +At a dancing party a young man should assist his hostess in seeing +that all the young ladies have an equal chance to dance, and that none +are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth of partners. His +obligation to his hostess and to society should be thus honored, as it +is not, of course, a private affair for his own amusement, and as upon +him, more than upon the young women, depends its success. + +It is necessary that introductions be freely made at a dancing party, +in order that all may enjoy the evening, and every one should try to +make all his friends acquainted with each other. + +A young woman remains seated by the side of her chaperon until asked +to dance. After a dance her partner returns with her to the chaperon. + +If the son of the hostess requests a dance of a young woman, she +should give it unless her program is quite full. If for any reason she +refuses a dance to one man, she should not give it to another, but +should sit it out. A woman, having once promised a dance, should +fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so, in which case she will +dance no more during the evening. The young man who is thus refused is +free, having returned with her to her chaperon, to seek another +partner. + +Unless a young couple are engaged to each other, they should not dance +together so often as to be conspicuous. Nor may they disappear into +secluded corners and sit out dances. It is poor taste and very +questionable etiquette, even if engaged. + +When asked to dance, a woman hands the man her program, saying, "I am +not engaged for that dance, and will be pleased to give it to you." +After the dance the man may thank the woman for it, and she may make +some remark to express her pleasure in it. + +If a man is delayed in claiming a woman for the promised dance, he +should make profuse apologies. + +A man dances first with the woman he escorts, or with the daughters of +the hostess, or her guests in the house. Afterward he may choose for +himself, always remembering that he should assist his hostess in +giving a good time to all. + +A woman always makes the first move toward going home at every social +gathering. At a dance it is not necessary to say good-night to the +hostess unless there is a good opportunity. + +If a man is suddenly called away, he should try to find partners for +the ladies with whom he engaged dances, and should explain his leaving +to them. + +It is not obligatory, but simply a pleasant custom, for a man to send +flowers to the young woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing +party. When she is his fiancée, it is especially appropriate and +appreciated. + +When one is on a visit, or at a house or weekend party, one has to +follow the style of dress of the people whom one is visiting, so no +hard and fast rules can be laid down. One should have suitable +garments for each of the forms of recreation which one is to enjoy, +and should follow quite closely the requirements of the hour. + +When traveling, small, plain hats and tidily draped veils are +necessary. For mountain visits, thicker clothing and heavier wraps +will be in demand, than are used in the city. When it is the custom to +dress for dinner, one should always adhere to it, and so plan one's +hours that nothing interferes with so doing and being prompt as well. + +A guest should not claim the entire time of her hostess. The hours +between breakfast and lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her +household and family duties, and the guest should entertain herself +during them. + +No guest should ever accept an invitation to an entertainment, a +drive, or any other amusement without first consulting with her +hostess. If, having friends in the same city or town, she has +invitations from them for special occasions, she should inform her +hostess of them promptly, that two plans may not be made for the same +date. + +Unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble, she never suggests +retiring. That is the duty of the hostess. + +A guest should take pains to arrive when expected. If she has promised +a visit, she should keep her promise, unless matters of serious +illness or grave moment forbid it, in which case a prompt and +explanatory apology is imperative. + +The guest should decide with her hostess, early in her stay, upon the +date of her departure, if that has not been already settled in the +form of the invitation, and should then abide rigidly by it, allowing +nothing but the most earnest importunity on the part of her hostess +personally, and for clearly shown and newly arising reasons, to detain +her longer. + +The guest should be pleased and well entertained with everything that +is done for her amusement, or should appear to be so. If she cannot +give herself up to the enjoyment of the sort of entertainment which +her host and hostess provide, she should not accept the invitation to +visit them. + +The guest should be punctual at meals and conform in every particular +to the ways of the household. She should not arrive in the living-room +or drawing-room at hours when there will be none to entertain her, and +when it would embarrass her hostess to know that she was unattended. +To sit up after the family has gone to bed, to lie in bed after the +entire family have risen, to be late at meals, to be writing an +important letter or doing some mending when the carriage is at the +door for a drive, or wish to go to drive when the carriage has been +dismissed, to be too tired to attend the dinner or reception given in +one's honor, to fail to keep appointments for the stroll or some sport +because one wants to do something else,--these things show a total +lack of consideration on the part of the guest, and make it +impossible to enjoy her stay or wish for her return. + +At times which seem appropriate it is well to retire to one's room and +leave the family by themselves. It is not necessary for the family +life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to the guest. Hospitality +would be more generously shown if it did not make so many unnecessary +demands upon the time and comfort of the members of the family. + +The guest should never take sides in any family discussion, and if +anything unpleasant occurs, she should ignore it entirely, and not +seem to know anything about it or take any interest in it. + +It is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to one's hosts to retail any +information one may have acquired on a visit, or discuss their +characteristics and management with any one. + +A guest need not attend religious services, or be present at the calls +of commonplace people, or enter into local philanthropies, unless he +wishes to do so. True hospitality relieves him from all sense of +obligation in these matters. If, however, carriages are provided so +that guests may attend church, or guests are told of the hour for +family worship and are invited to be present, it is more courteous to +attend. + +Guests at country houses should be willing to take hold and help in +any emergency, such as the absence or sickness of the servants, and +should be willing to join heartily in the country frolics where work +is usually to be shared by all. + +In the country people visit in large parties, so when one is invited +to go on an excursion or with a crowd to visit some neighbor, one +should not hesitate for fear of being one too many. + +One should follow the wish of the host or hostess in regard to giving +the servants some gratuity for service rendered, if that wish is +known; otherwise, unless there is an accepted rule to the contrary, it +is well to give, when leaving, a small gift of money to such of the +servants as have been especially helpful. One should always treat +servants with consideration and kindness, if not with generosity. It +is better to be less lavish with money and more painstaking in +remembering personally the people who have served you, renewing +acquaintance with them if opportunity offers, treating them in a human +way, and not with the indifference with which you would treat a +mechanism. + +If a gift is given, it should be done unostentatiously. The tactful, +quiet way of doing it, free from patronage, and showing only good-will +and gratitude for service rendered, is the only polite way. Money +never compensates for haughtiness and brusqueness, and the gentleman +or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of the feelings of even an +incompetent servant. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS + + +HOSPITALITY is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and +its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous +consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly +entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give +happiness. + +The pleasant custom of serving tea each day at five o'clock is one +which admits of great enjoyment. The man of the house tries to be at +home for the quiet social hour before the family dinner. The young +people of the family are gathering after the day's dispersion. The +friends, who are out calling or on their way home, drop in for a +pleasant chat; and the charming hostess has time for many glimpses of +friends, and chance also to say the right word to some friend in need +of cheer, who knew that she could be found at her daily hour of +welcome. + +The custom of receiving on a certain day of the week is a sensible and +hospitable one. If one has such an "At Home" day, it is more polite +for friends to call on that day than on any other. If a lady has, +however, sent out cards announcing that she is "At Home" on +"Wednesdays in January and February," one should not call on those +days unless one has received the card having the special invitation. + +Some receive once a month during the season. They have the day +engraved on their card, as "The first Friday until Lent," or "The +second Wednesday until April." + +The custom of sending out cards for a certain day throughout one month +avoids a "crush" on any one day, and enables a hostess to receive +informally without giving up a great part of her time. + +The informal entertainment is a greater compliment to guests than any +formal entertainment, however splendid. + +The hostess should preserve the happy medium between neglecting and +overattending to her guests. + +When a hostess wishes to have her friends meet an expected guest, she +should inform them of the intended visit beforehand, and so enable +them to make an engagement to meet her, or plan entertainment for her. +Invitations to a reception in honor of a friend can well be, and +should be, sent out in advance of her coming, if her stay is to be +short, and if the dates of her stay are definitely known. + +At a reception for the introduction of a friend, the hostess and the +guest of honor will stand near the door of the drawing-room and +receive. If the reception is very large, the butler announces the +names of the guests as they enter. The hostess gives her hand to the +newcomer, and presents her to the guest of honor. After a few words of +greeting, the caller passes on into the room where the refreshments +are served. + +The refreshments usually consist of dainty sandwiches, salads, perhaps +creamed oysters or chicken, bouillon, chocolate, coffee, or lemonade. + +Afternoon teas are less formal and less elaborate than receptions. The +refreshments consist of tea, with thin slices of bread and butter, +thin biscuits, and cake. + +At a dancing party the hostess receives, together with her daughters +and any guests whom she honors by asking. The host may receive, as +well, but his chief duty is to keep a watchful eye upon his guests, +looking out for the chaperons, and seeing that the young people are +supplied with partners for the dances. + +At a débutante party the mother stands nearest the drawing-room door, +the daughter next her, and the father beyond. The mother greets each +guest and then introduces the daughter. At the supper or dinner her +brother or father takes out the débutante, who sits at her father's +left. In case her brother takes her out, her father takes out the +oldest or most honored lady present. + +The successful host and hostess see to it that all their guests are +introduced to each other, if this is possible, so that the best of +cordiality and the least restraint may characterize their mingling. + + +_Breakfasts and Luncheons_ + +Breakfasts may be homelike, informal affairs, or quite ceremonious. +The hour of this meal is at any time before one o'clock, usually +twelve or twelve-thirty. After one o'clock the affair becomes a +luncheon. + +Men are invited to a breakfast, but usually at a luncheon the guests +are all women. + +A real breakfast menu, such as is often served on Sunday mornings in +the country, consists of fruit, cereal, a chop, or steak, or +fishballs, with potatoes, eggs in some form, muffins or hot rolls, and +coffee, waffles or hot cakes, or, in New England, doughnuts. + +The menu for luncheon consists usually of soup, fruit, lobster in +cutlets or croquettes, with mushrooms, or omelet, or fish; broiled +chicken, or lamb chops, with green peas and potatoes; a salad, +crackers and cheese; ice cream, with coffee, tea, or chocolate. + +At a breakfast or luncheon, as at a dinner, every effort should be +made to be punctual. The success of such an occasion may be ruined by +a tardy guest. + +At a luncheon one removes wraps and veils in the dressing-room, +retaining one's hat and gloves, the latter being removed at table, and +resumed in the drawing-room after the meal, unless cards are the form +of entertainment. + +As the guests enter the drawing-room the hostess shakes hands with +them and introduces them to one another before going to the +dining-room. When no men are present the hostess leads the way to the +dining-room, and the guests find their places at the table by the name +cards. When men are present the procedure to the dining-room follows +the custom at a formal dinner. + +It is becoming customary to use the daylight as much as possible at +all social functions; and, indeed, at no affair, unless it be very +late in the afternoon and very ceremonious, is the daylight excluded +and the candles and chandeliers lighted. + + +_The Formal Dinner_ + +The most enjoyable dinner is that with four or six guests, which is +served in a simple and only semiformal way. This enables a hostess to +bring together only congenial people, and the group is small enough +for the talk to be largely general, and thence especially valuable, as +each brings his wittiest stories, his clearest thoughts, and his best +self to the appreciative and inspiring circle. + +The formal dinner is usually set for seven o'clock, or half after, or +eight. The elaborate dinner will take from an hour to two hours, +according to the number of courses and the efficiency of the service. +There should be a waiter for every six people, although at a small +dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers without much delay. + +The invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks ahead. No +more people should be asked than can be comfortably seated and +speedily served. Twenty inches at the very least should be allowed to +each cover. Children are never present at a ceremonious dinner. + +In choosing guests every effort should be made to have them congenial, +with no glaring divergence of opinions, which would by any means make +any one uncomfortable if the conversation were to become general. In +seating the guests, only congenial people should be placed side by +side. The intellectual harmony of a dinner is as important as the +culinary harmony. + +Ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner, and remove them only at table, +resuming them when dinner is over and the guests have returned to the +drawing-room. + +The dining-room must be quietly but well lighted. There should be no +glaring lights, but a soft radiance which is so general as to make +everything clear. An electric light hanging eighteen inches above the +table, or a tall lamp whose light is at about the same height, either +of them well shaded, are satisfactory additions to the candlelight. + +Sometimes high lights are dispensed with and only candles used. +Candles should always be lighted three minutes before the dinner is +announced. For a dinner of not more than eight covers four candles are +sufficient light. + +Relatives are not seated side by side, as the effort is to have a +general mingling of the company. A clever hostess will see that her +guests at a small dinner party are all introduced to each other before +they enter the dining-room. + +The table may be round, oval, or rectangular, but if too narrow it +cannot be made to look well. + +The tablecloth is always spread for a dinner. A thick pad of felt or +double-faced cotton flannel should go under the tablecloth. The damask +should be immaculate and of good quality. The tablecloth should hang +almost to the floor at the corners. + +At each place there is a card on which the guest's name is written. +These place cards often have the monogram of the hostess in the center +and are otherwise blank, except for the name written on. + +The place cards at a dinner should be laid immediately before the +plates of the guests or on the napkins, which are folded squarely, and +of sufficient size to be of real usefulness. + +In setting the table, the spoons for soup, dessert, and coffee are +arranged at the top of the plate; the knives and forks, the latter of +several sizes, are placed on either hand, in order of use, and the +small plate for bread, olives, etc., is on the right. + +In eating, the oyster fork is the first used, and then one takes the +next in order. Should one be in doubt, the rule is to glance at the +hostess and adopt her method, whatever that may be. + +On elegant tables, each cover, or plate, is accompanied by two large +silver knives, a small silver knife, and fork for fish, a small fork +for oysters on the half-shell, a large tablespoon for soup, and three +large forks. The folded napkin is laid in the center, with a piece of +bread in it. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork. + +A half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for each person, unless at a +country dinner, where a full ladleful may be given without offense. + +Individual salts or salt cellars are now placed at each plate, and it +is not improper to take salt with the tip of the knife in lieu of a +spoon. + +The place plates stand under the oyster or soup plates and under any +course when it is desirable to have them. Plates must be warmed or +chilled according to the temperature of the food which is to be served +in them. + +The indispensable courses of a dinner are soup, fish, roast, salad, +and dessert. In arranging her menu, however, each hostess will suit +herself to her pocketbook and to what she considers good form in the +amount and kind of food. + +The formal dinner should be served in a very leisurely style. + +At the daily family dinner as well as at formal dinners, all the +ladies of the house and among the guests should be helped before any +of the men are served, even if some distinguished guest is among the +latter. + +It is not necessary to wait until all are served before beginning to +eat at a dinner, but wait until the hostess has commenced to eat. + +Butter is not served at a formal dinner, and bread is laid in the +napkin beside the plate. + +There should be no urging of guests to eat. It is assumed that a guest +is not afraid to eat as much as he wants. + +When the fruit napkin is brought in, the user takes it from the glass +plate on which it is laid, and either places it at his right hand, or +on his knees. The doily beneath the finger bowl is not meant for use, +but should be laid on the table beside the finger bowl. + +After the dinner has been eaten, and dessert is reached, everything is +cleared off but the tablecloth, which is now never removed. A dessert +spoon is put before each guest, and a gold or silver spoon, a silver +dessert spoon and fork, and often a queer little combination of fork +and spoon called an ice spoon. For the after-dinner coffee a very +small spoon is used. + +Coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the table, or later in the +drawing-room. Cream is never served with a demi-tasse. + +The napkin should be left lying loosely beside the plate after a meal. + +In case either a guest or a servant meets with any accident one should +pass it over with as much speed as possible and turn the attention of +all immediately toward some interesting matter. A mistake should be +completely ignored by both hosts and guests. + +Whenever a course is offered which you do not enjoy, never decline it, +but accept it, and endeavor to take a small portion at least of it. +You avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste of those who like it, +and put your hostess at ease. + +No personal preferences in foods are to be consulted or mentioned +when one is a guest at dinner. If one cannot accept of the fare +offered, one should have declined the invitation. + +Should a guest be late, the hostess need not wait more than fifteen +minutes for him, after which time, if he appear, the host rises from +the table to greet him and cover the interruption of his entrance, but +the hostess does not leave her place. If he does not come until after +the second course, he is served only as the others are served, and no +attempt is made to serve the previous courses to him. + +When dinner is ready, the maid or butler appears in the drawing-room +door, catches the eye of the hostess, and announces quietly that +dinner is served. + +Upon the signal, the host gives his arm to the guest of honor, and +they lead the way, the lady being seated at the right of her host. +After them come the other couples as the hostess has planned. Each man +has found upon the dressing-room table an envelope addressed to him, +in which is the name of the lady whom he is expected to take out to +dinner, and also in the corner "R" or "L" to indicate on which side of +the table he and his lady are to sit. + +After all the others have passed out, the hostess brings up the rear +with the gentleman guest of honor, who will sit at her right. + +Evening dress should always be worn. For a lady a gown with low neck +and short sleeves or elbow sleeves; for a gentleman, a dress coat and +its accompanying trousers, vest, and tie of regulation cut and color. + +Arrival a few minutes before the hour is customary in order for the +guests to assemble in the drawing-room, greet their host and each +other, and proceed together to the table. + +When the meal is finished, the hostess catches the eye of the guest at +her husband's right, smiles understandingly, and they immediately +rise, and, followed by the rest of the ladies, leave the room, the men +standing meanwhile. The men linger for a half-hour or so over their +cigars and coffee, or liqueurs, before following the ladies into the +drawing-room. + +In the United States it is more usual for the men and women to leave +the dining-room together, and the hostess to serve the coffee in the +drawing-room, than it is for the men to linger by themselves at the +table. + +After a dinner party one should bid good-night to the lady one has +taken out to the table, to one's host and hostess. It is not good form +to omit the latter, for she should be assured that you at least have +enjoyed the evening, and that her effort at hospitality has been +appreciated by you. It is not necessary to take a formal leave of the +other guests. If you choose you may wish them a general good-night. + +A ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit +of toast. + +Then comes the fruit. It may be melons, peaches, strawberries, or +grape fruit. It must be in perfection, and should be on ice up to the +moment of serving, and must tempt the eye as well as the palate. + +Next comes the course of oysters or clams on the half-shell, which +should be served on crushed ice, on oyster plates made with hollows +for the shells, and picked up with silver forks made for the purpose. +Or they may be served more daintily without the ice, immediately after +they have been taken from the cooler, and without delay. + +Then a clear soup. It may be served from a silver tureen by the +hostess, or may be brought in soup plates to the guests by the waiter. + +Then fish. This may be served by the host or arranged in a dainty +mince and served in shells to the separate guests. If served by the +host, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it. + +Throughout the dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar +relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the +table when the guests take their seats. + +After the fish there can be an entrée or two of some delicate dish, +but the roast properly comes next. It may be turkey, beef, mutton, or +lamb. The host may carve it if he pleases, and the waiter receive +portions from him and carry them to the guests. In many houses the +lady of the house is served first, and next the guest of honor, who is +the lady at the right of the host. With the roast some vegetables are +served. + +Then comes a salad, and with the salad cheese and crackers are served. + +The dessert follows the salad, and black coffee concludes the repast. +This last may be served at the dining table, or later in the +drawing-room by the hostess. + +The dessert may consist of ices, fruit, pastry, or confections. +Frequently there is a final course after the sweets, consisting of +crackers and toasted cheese. + + +_Visits_ + +It is now considered quite proper for the host or hostess to specify +the length of time covered by an invitation for a visit. The +complication of duties in our present-day life makes the assignment of +even pleasures to definite periods necessary. This is as important as +the arrangement of trains and methods by which the guest may arrive +and leave. + +The English manner of entertaining is a very excellent one, as it +gives the guest his freedom and makes his visit of the utmost profit +to himself and also to his host. The English host sets the time of +arrival, has his servant meet the guest at the station with +conveyance, has him met at the house door again by a servant, and +shown to his room, where he is made at home by being offered some +light refreshments. He is told at what hour he will be received by his +host and hostess in the drawing-room, usually a short time before +dinner. Then throughout his stay he does not see his hostess till +midday, although she provides amusement for her guests, which he is at +liberty to enjoy or ignore as he chooses. + +After the noon meal he may do as he chooses through the afternoon, +appearing only at dinner, which is the formal meal of the day, and at +the general gathering of the family and guests in the evening. The +various members of the family are ready to show the visitors the +place, or the countryside, or play their favorite games during the +day; but there is no effort to make the entertainment formal or to +force it upon the guest. We do not wish to see even our most honored +guests or our dearest friends all of the time, and this arrangement +makes the meeting at dinner all the more enjoyed and valued. + +Before inviting guests it is necessary to see to the comfort which is +represented in the guest chamber. This should be as dainty and +comfortable as any chamber in the house, and, in addition to the usual +furnishings, should have other fittings intended to supply all the +comforts of one's home. A full line of towels, toilet articles, and +even night robe, bathrobe, and slippers should be ready for the use of +the guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase do not arrive at +the expected time. + +If the bed is fitted out with finery as well as with all the linen, +blankets, and comfortables which a well-set-up bed requires, the care +of the finery, its removal at night and folding up, should not be left +to the guest. This should be attended to before bedtime by the maid, +and the bed turned down ready for occupancy. + +There should, of course, be vacant bureau drawers and wardrobe. The +guest, especially if her visit be for a short time, and she has not +brought her workbox, will much appreciate a small workbasket fitted +out with needles, thread, thimble, and scissors. A desk fitted with +stationery, pens, and postage stamps adds much to the comfort of a +guest chamber, for, no matter how brief the stay, facilities for +writing to the distant home are needed promptly and constantly. + +The guest's comfort should be provided for before her entertainment or +amusement, and she should be made to feel perfectly at home in her +room, and her possession of it be absolute for the time of her stay. + +It is a compliment to a guest to remember her favorite dishes, or to +arrange things to suit her known tastes and preferences. + +It is the duty of the hostess to give the signal for retiring. This +should be done with a fine regard for the desires of guests, rather +than according to one's personal wishes. + + +_Special Duties of the Country Hostess_ + +The country hostess should make her entertaining distinctive from that +of the city. Every one should, at times, return to the country, for +both physical and mental well-being. So when he is there, it is of +great importance that he get country fare and country life, rather +than make a fruitless attempt to live in the country as he does in the +city. + +The country hostess should not attempt to entertain unless she can +depend upon her servants. Her relations with them should be such that +there is no likelihood of having a houseful of guests and the servants +thereupon suddenly weary of the quiet of the country, or for any other +trivial reason promptly departing. The country hostess will, however, +fit herself to meet any emergency which may arise, both on her own and +her family's account, as well as on that of her guests. + +Therefore, housekeeping and entertaining should be simplified as much +as possible, and the most unexpected of emergencies should be +anticipated and provided for, as far as may be. Unless the country +hostess is herself competent to cook and to tend the fires, she will +never be safe in the sending out of invitations. For the same reason, +other members of the family should be trained in helpfulness, so that +an emergency will simply mean the adoption of emergency tactics +previously agreed upon and practiced to the point of efficiency. + +The country hostess should remember that to her guests the charm and +novelty of the fresh air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest +attractions of her home. So she should see to it that guests are left +untrammeled, to go and wander where they may wish; and also that the +guest chambers and all other rooms are kept filled with fresh air even +in the coldest of weather. + +Often the change to the invigorating country air makes the guest feel +colder than the actual temperature of the room warrants. The hostess +should remember this, and should provide that at all times the +living-rooms and guest chambers be warmed as well as ventilated. The +open fireplace is needed in addition to steam or furnace heat in an +isolated country house. + +"Simple things need to be excellent." The hostess should provide +fresh fruit, chickens, eggs, vegetables, cream, and milk, the products +of the country, rather than the elaborate dishes of the city. + +The hostess should enjoy the country and teach her guests to enjoy it. +She should know the attractive walks and drives, the places of real +interest, and she should be able to point out the picturesque spots, +and the points of vantage for especially fine views, and to make +others feel the charm of the country. + +The hostess should furnish outdoor occupations, should interest her +guests in making collections of curious plants from the woodlands, and +in getting acquainted with the trees. There should be some popular +sports provided even in midwinter, and all the necessities for the +enjoyment of these should be furnished, as well as a library, games, +and all sorts of indoor entertainment and pastimes for the possible +days of storm which shall block all exit from the house. + +The serving of meals out of doors, if the season and weather permit, +is a distinctive feature of country hospitality, and very enjoyable to +city dwellers. Breakfast and afternoon tea are especially easy to +serve on the lawn or piazza, but more elaborate meals may be so served +if there are servants and facilities enough. Simple meals out of doors +are preferable to more elaborate meals within. In order to do this +enjoyably or successfully, it is necessary to have the piazza or +garden somewhat secluded. A hedge, in the absence of other protection +from the curious, easily makes this possible. + +The informality possible in country entertaining is its greatest +charm. Neighbors should be encouraged to "drop in" at any hour, as the +monotony of country life may thus be greatly relieved. + +The hostess who, in order to meet an emergency, is obliged to do much +herself, should either simplify her plans of entertainment, so that +she could carry them through without too great weariness to play her +part as hostess by being with her guests, or should call upon them to +assist her, and make it a companionable visit at any rate. + +Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor, in which all join +first in the work and later in the play. One should endeavor to do +one's part of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good +comradeship, as well as share in the fun. + +One of the most enjoyable resources of the country hostess is the +picnic. This idea may be varied to suit any circumstances and any +surroundings. It may take the form of an athletic frolic for the young +people, or of a reading party in some secluded and shady glen on a +hot day, if the company be intellectual, or various other forms. + + +_Public Functions_ + +Men and women of prominence are often called upon to act as special +hosts and hostesses at public or semipublic functions, such as club +dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school or college +graduations, receptions given by the heads of business houses on +anniversaries or at openings, civil or state receptions, charitable +social affairs, and the like. + +As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such occasions do not vary +greatly from those of the more private affairs, but usually greater +formality is observed, and there is less responsibility on the part of +the public entertainers for the details of the service. + +At a club reception and luncheon, the president and chief officers of +the club, with the guests of the day, stand in line and receive for a +half-hour or more, in the parlors of the club. When all the guests, or +the most of them, have assembled, the procession to the dining-room is +headed by the president with the guest of greatest distinction, who is +seated at his right. The other officers follow in order of rank, with +the other guests in order of distinction. + +After dinner, when the last course is completed and the débris +removed, so that the tables present a neat appearance with their +decorations intact, the president rises and raps for order. Then, +after a few introductory remarks, he begins the program of the day. +These programs vary greatly, but usually include after-dinner speeches +of the light and happy or only semiserious order,--unless the purpose +for which all are gathered is of serious moment,--music both +instrumental and vocal, by excellent performers, and the responses to +the speeches, either by the president or by others of the officers who +may be called upon for brief and pertinent remarks. A spirit of +good-will and enthusiasm should characterize such a gathering, +whatever the object of it. + +When one is appointed on the entertainment committee of a club, or of +a city, or other body of people, for the holding of a congress of any +sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail for the +entertainment of guests for a period covering the entire time of their +stay. Such guests should be met at the depot or boat landing, should +be given every assistance toward making them acquainted with the +officers of the congress and club, and with the city, and every detail +of provision for their comfort should be looked out for. Personal +social claims upon their time should not be so made as to conflict +with their real interest in coming, or with the advantages they may +have sought in the visit, for carrying out their personal plans. + +When one is a guest on such an occasion, he should remember that while +his entertainment may have been official, his obligation for it is +personal, and that he should personally thank his hosts and, in +particular, his special host and hostess, as if he had been their only +guest. No matter how absorbing the business of the congress or +conference, no matter how strenuous his own official duties, his +obligation socially is imperative, and must be met. + +When one is a member of the graduating class of a school or college, +or of any small group of people who, as a society, are entertaining, +one should show the courtesy of host or hostess to every guest. This +does not mean that one is responsible to every guest, to see that he +or she is well entertained, but that, aside from his personal +responsibilities to his own guests, he should be, at all the public +functions, in the attitude of host to any stranger to whom he may show +even the slightest hospitality. + +As for his own guests, there are one or two points of special courtesy +because of the nature of the entertainment. If he is inviting young +women, or even only one, to whom he intends to give his whole, or a +large part of his time, he must also invite her mother or chaperon. +This rule is invariable for the high-school boy graduate, for the +graduate of the men's college, and for the man graduate of a +co-educational university. + +In addition to the usual provision for guests, he must provide for +their entertainment overnight or during their stay, if they be from +the distance. He should, in addition, and early in their visit, +acquaint them with the peculiarities of the local college customs. +These customs are distinctive with each college, and their etiquette +should be made clear to one who, though unused to them, is about to +share them. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON + + +THE need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are +large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and +unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of +the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as +strictly adhered to as that of the cities. + +The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking +oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives +up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful +care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter +cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of +several mothers. + +Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town +unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much +for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine +conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of +unpleasant experiences. + +When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or +instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an +attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young +people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of +the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no +fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a +protection against criticism. + +The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a +daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or +mother would be present during the whole of the call. For débutante +daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out +in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and +unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the +call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the +young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which +seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise +father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and +when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by +having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that +they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance. + +It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party +or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is +well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such +parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should +be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without +immediate family and who has been already in society more than one +season. The duenna who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon, +ordinarily accompanies her. + +It may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are +of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage,--through loss of +relatives, financial limitations, or the following of some business +calling or profession,--and that they are not, in general, treated +with less respect than the young woman carefully guarded in her home. +It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for +herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration +which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid +of a careful observance of conventions. + +Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself +somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially +with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going +unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if +at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She +may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home," +provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present, +she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening, +but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea, +coffee, chocolate, or lemonade. + +In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and +ever-present personage. Wherever the young débutante goes in +society,--to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the +park, when shopping or calling,--and during her calling hours at home, +the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant. + +The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country +villages differs in degree of attendance. The only wise rule is to +follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be, +remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is +wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason +for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the +letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows +that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the +quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and +the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's +chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of +one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule, +however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this +connection is better than too lax. + +The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters +to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended +by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young +people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his +children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a +magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and +a safeguard against that group folly towards which the +irresponsibility of youth tends. + +Until a girl makes her début in society, she is not seen at a party of +adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment +unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening. + +Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the +attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to +any place of public amusement. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +THE ETIQUETTE OF THE MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT + + +IT is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult +with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his +proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in +America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has +not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the +father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's +friendship; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the +choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young +man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his +fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have +used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable +impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a +crisis. + + +_The Proposal_ + +In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the +trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important. + +One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel +and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the +rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to +do. + +No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of +marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not +decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are +times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome +proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very +considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her +appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time +leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already +engaged, she should tell him so. + +If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency +of response is determined by the importance to the sender. + +The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to +think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely +rude, and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of +confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has +refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the +letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal +representatives, to be acted on as they think best. + +The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and +woman, having passed through this experience together, can fail to +have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each +other's character. + +In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the +young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real +declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected +before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a +thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself. +So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter, +there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation +on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really +well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character +permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when +she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his +advances. + +The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It +concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things +of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of +high ideals. + +When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is +not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize +each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it +that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should +be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if +there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an +absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its +own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future +when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and, +because it is essential for those who are to marry to become +thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people, +for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does +not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at +times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves. + +The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband, +and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly +exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad +world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she +should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged +girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of +amusement or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so +carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the +slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men +whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the +man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty, +or of making others feel that she has no interest in them. + +As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally +meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or +sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them +embarrassed. They should not spend too much time with each other. +Their hostess will send them out to dinner together,--which is in +marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then +they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should +be careful not to permit her fiancé to take her away in a corner from +other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social +duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote +himself to one. + +The task of meeting each other's friends, after the engagement is +announced, is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable, and +should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense +of critical scrutiny. The great ordeal of winning each other is +decided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of establishing +friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object +of dread. Real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent +roughnesses smooth. + +An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event +which they may both grace with their presence. The common human +interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent interest of the +married, tend to focus all eyes upon them. For this reason they will +try and be as little conspicuous as may be. + + +_Announcement of Engagement_ + +The announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways, but +always first by the family of the young woman. If a public newspaper +announcement is desired, a notice similar to the following, signed +with a name and address, must be sent to the society editor of the +local paper or papers: + +"Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce the engagement of their daughter +Ethel to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date of the wedding +has not been fixed, but it will probably take place soon after +Easter." + +Or it may read: "Miss Ethel Abbott announces her engagement to Mr. +Hayden B. Bradley," etc. + +If a less public announcement is desired, the young couple may each +write personal notes to their friends. In these notes one or two +afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be +"At Home." This gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of +the young man to meet his fiancée. + +The entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea, in which she and +her mother receive, the former wearing a pretty but not too +rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches, cakes, and +tea should be served. + +If an engagement is to be for long, it would be well to have the +announcement of it as quiet as possible, or not to announce it until +the time for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the young people +not to be seen very much together until its final stages. + +Immediately upon the announcement of an engagement, the mother of the +man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother, and +invite them, or the entire family, to dinner. + +The family of the young man should be the first to make advances. The +other members of the young man's family should call upon the young +woman promptly, even if they have never met her before, or, if calling +is impossible, they should write and express their approval and good +wishes. According to the position of the family, should the +elaborateness of entertainment be. It is a nice custom, when the young +lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fiancé, +for them to invite her to come and visit them. + +The calls of his family upon her, and their letters to her, should be +very promptly returned or answered. + +If the young woman live in the country, her father will invite the +young man for a visit. + + +_Bridal "Showers"_ + +The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a +wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from +one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often +now the guest of honor at one or more parties called "showers," and +the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her. +There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and +financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one +bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is +well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it +that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so +invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make +several gifts to her friend. + +These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions +of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing +the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified +by the zeal of her friends in her behalf. + +Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower" +duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which +will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or +especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually +given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up +the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a +kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the +way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the +recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with +semidesirable gifts. + +The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost +exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few +of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the +evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The +refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The +invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally, +or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss +Hanley on Wednesday at four." + +There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only +rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such +objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice +of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for +instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china, +silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one +room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a +"shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted +and nothing else for use in these places. + + +_The Broken Engagement_ + +When an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the +young man all letters and presents, and may ask, by a brief, +courteous, but dignified, note, for the return of her letters to him. +It would not be necessary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the +man would take the sending back of his gifts as final, and to mean the +return of hers also. + +In case the wedding is near, so that wedding presents have been +received from friends, the no longer "bride-elect" should return them +to the givers with an explanatory note. The note should mention +nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken. + +The mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of +the engagement. She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes to +friends. In case of a broken engagement, it is not delicate to allude +to it, unless one is a very intimate friend, and then it is better to +leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned. + +It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of +terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than +her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily, +without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for +faithfulness and integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation, +even privately, as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement, +as the release must at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever +she chooses to say, or however unjust the remarks of friends seem, he +is in honor bound to show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow +upon her reputation, even if his own suffers instead. + +However, in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement +has been broken mutually, even though no reason is obvious. This +should be so, for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a +marriage engagement, marriages will be entered into the almost +certain outcome of which is the divorce court. + +A lady should never accept any but trivial gifts, such as flowers, a +book, a piece of music, or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman +who is not related to her. Even a marriage engagement does not make +the acceptance of costly gifts wise. + + +_Preparation for a Wedding_ + +The preparation which the bridegroom makes for the new home, is, of +course, by far the larger share of its establishment. He provides the +home, furnishes it with everything but the linen, which the bride will +bring, and the ornamental decorations, including silver for the table, +which the wedding guests may, in these days of lavish presents, be +expected to furnish. + +Even if he does not choose to set up a house-home at once, the +provision for the future is all his, and he has to bring to the +wedding the wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in household +furniture or only the certificates of wealth with which to provide for +the bride. This is a matter of pride with even the poorest +lover,--with all save that small class of men who, either from the +most worldly of motives or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives +so high that they will not permit personal pride to stand in the way +of the real union of hearts, submit to the indignity of becoming +pensioners rather than donors. + +Whatever the custom for the division of responsibility in regard to +the home and the future, in actual life, in every true home +responsibility is equal, and convenience alone decrees what the bride +and the bridegroom shall each contribute to the common hoard. + +The bridegroom also provides a part of the wedding, and although his +share is minimized, yet it is often a costly and important part. He +should provide the flowers which the bride and her attendants carry. +The bride usually chooses her flowers, which are ordinarily white +roses, lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of her favorite +kind. + +Besides providing the wedding ring, the bridegroom usually presents to +the bride some gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he has bought +and furnished for her. Or it may be jewelry, or anything else that she +desires and that he may have it in his power to bestow. The bride +makes him no special gift other than her hand, as that is her supreme +gift. + +The personal provision of the bridegroom sometimes consists of a new +wardrobe throughout, besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he will +wear his new suits somewhat before he appears in them as newly +married. His wedding suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to +be married in the evening, complete with white gloves and tie, and +boutonnière of the same flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in +the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock, he will wear a frock +coat of black, white vest, gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In +case the wedding is in the evening and the bride is to wear her +traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the bridegroom may wear the same +suit as for an afternoon wedding, if he chooses. + +The custom of having a new wardrobe throughout is not necessarily +followed, of course. It is through the bridegroom's consideration for +the bride, and his appreciation of the housewifely duties which she +undertakes on his behalf, that he makes those as small as possible at +first, knowing that the years will bring her her full share. + +The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter of special moment, +because it is for the last time that she is outfitted by her father. +Therefore, he wishes to give her all that she needs for some time to +come, that she may grow used to reliance upon her husband before he +has to undertake the burden of her personal expenses in the matter of +clothes. + +The outlay, however, is limited in quantity to the probable needs of +the first season of married life, if the bride is wise, as there is no +wisdom in having more garments than can be worn to advantage before +the style changes. + +No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her +future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only +circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual +outlay,--beyond the fact that she needs more and special garments for +the different social occasions, and has a pride in having them as nice +as possible,--are those in which she marries a man of much higher +social station and much larger income than her own. In that case it +may be well for her to put some of her savings for the future into the +gowns which she knows will be necessary for her in her new station. + +The special gowns necessary for a bride are: Her wedding gown,--which +is of pure white if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate +color if a widow,--the wedding veil, the traveling suit, a reception +gown, a church suit, a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain +street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper, and a new outfitting of +underclothing, in number and quality to suit her usual custom, or as +nice as she can afford. + +For the bride whose purse is not overfull the number of gowns and +suits can be materially diminished; the wedding gown, with some slight +changes, such as the removal of the high collar and long sleeves, can +be used as an evening dress; the traveling, church, and visiting suit +may be one and the same; the house dresses may be reduced to a minimum +by frequent washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate wardrobe +with which to begin married life should not be a barrier to a marriage +which in every other respect appears to be auspicious. + +The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of linen which she +provides for her new home, should consist of approximately the +following: + +For every bed three pairs of sheets, three pairs of pillow cases, +three bolster cases, one or two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes, +and an extra quilt. + +For her bedrooms she should provide table, stand, and bureau covers, +as the style of the furniture may suggest, and also such covers for +couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife would desire for the +sake of cleanliness. + +For the bath-room there should be three dozen towels, a half-dozen +bath towels. Towels for the maid should also be included. + +For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two dozen napkins for common +use, with two finer tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special +occasions, make ample provision for the average home. There should be +doilies and tray cloths, covers for the sideboard, also mats and +centerpieces for the table. + +For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for dishes, hand towels, +cleaning cloths, holders, and every necessary sort of towel in +abundance. With the increasing use of the paper towel, much of this +provision for bath-room and kitchen may be dispensed with, as the +paper towel is much neater and more economical. + +The wedding gown, which is of white satin or silk, and usually as rich +and elegant as the bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck +and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they are supplemented by +long gloves, which are not removed even at the wedding breakfast. The +custom is to wear white exclusively from veil to shoes. Whether or not +the veil is worn, a hat is never provided for this gown. + +It is customary, in case a bride is married in her traveling suit, for +her to wear the hat and gloves which go with it. At a home wedding, +however, this rule is not usually adhered to, unless the couple leave +at once. + +The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn only at the first +marriage of a woman, and usually only with a gown made with a train. + +The bridegroom should acquaint himself with the rules and regulations +in regard to the marriage license some weeks ahead of the date set for +the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary in different states, and +in some a period of residence or notification is necessary. + +A marriage certificate, furnishing easily available knowledge of the +legality of the marriage and its date, is often of great convenience +in the disposition of property, the probating of wills, and in the +settlement of numerous questions which might arise in minor matters. +This should be provided before the ceremony, filled out and signed +immediately after it by the officiating clergyman, and signed by +several witnesses. + +The wedding ring is, by long established custom, a plain gold band. It +should be of the best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be +moderately narrow and thin rather than wide and thick. The ring, the +unbroken circle, is symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it into +the keeping of the best man, whose duty it is to hand it promptly to +him at the proper moment of the ceremony. The initials and date are +engraved upon the inner surface of the ring. When wider rings were +worn some appropriate sentiment was also often engraved. + +Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her pride to see that it is +never removed. As Mrs. Sangster feelings says, "It is a badge of +honor, and, worn on any woman's hand, a symbol of her right to belong +to the ranks of worthy matrons." + +It is well to rehearse the movements of the bridal procession within a +day or two of the ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the conduct +of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism. If it is to be a church +wedding, more than one rehearsal may be required. In that case the +organist should be present, as well as every member of the bridal +party, except the clergyman. The opening of the church for such +rehearsal is included in the fee which the sexton receives, which +ranges from ten to fifty dollars. + +Usually refreshments, in the form of either a dinner or supper, follow +the rehearsal, the bride entertaining at her home. + +If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any other service in which +the bride and bridegroom kneel, cushions for their use should be +provided. These are usually covered in white satin, with outer covers +of very sheer lawn upon which the initials may be worked. + +The floral decorations of the church or home should be subordinated to +the main interest; that is, they should not be too elaborate, take up +too much room, or do other than furnish a fitting background for the +bridal couple. The decorations usually follow some definite color +scheme, although simply the white flowers with green foliage are +appropriate and symbolic for a church wedding. A few palms, simple +bouquets of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully, with foliage to +contrast and fill the corners, will decorate an altar or make a +pleasant bower. When costliness rather than beauty is the effect of +flowers, the display is vulgar. + +An awning should be stretched from the house or church door to the +sidewalk, so that the guests and bridal party may not be subjected to +the gaze of curious passers-by as they leave the carriages. An +attendant should be stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of the +carriages, and to give to the coachmen and guests numbers by which +their carriages may be speedily called. + +While the provision of the carriages belongs with all other things to +the bride's family, the carriages for the bridegroom and his family +are provided by them. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +THE CONDUCT OF A WEDDING + + +IN cities at present the most fashionable hour for the ceremony is +"high noon," following the English custom, and in remembrance of the +long-standing tradition which placed the wedding early in the day, +before the night's fast had been broken. + +The afternoon is a suitable time, as it enables friends to gather more +conveniently from the distance, and as the reception with refreshments +is much more easily arranged for than is a breakfast. For an afternoon +wedding, three o'clock is the proper hour in the winter, four o'clock +in the summer. + +The evening was at one period the fashionable time, and it still +retains its popularity and long will among the middle class of people +and in the country, because a larger gathering of friends can be +expected at that time, as all are free from business and household +cares. + + +_The Church Wedding_ + +For the church wedding special arrangements must be made for the +seating of the guests. A certain number of pews in the center front +of the church are reserved for the families and intimate friends of +the bride and bridegroom. The reservation is indicated by a broad +white ribbon barrier across the aisle, or a garland of flowers. The +family of the bride is seated on one side of the aisle, and that of +the bridegroom on the other. + +The ushers should be at the church at least a half-hour before the +guests begin to arrive. They wear small buttonhole bouquets of flowers +like those used in the decorations of the church, which are sent them +there by the florist. + +In seating the guests they should take great care to seat in the +reserved space only those whose names are on the list given them as +belonging there. Therefore, they ask the name of each guest whom they +do not know before assigning him his seat. Sometimes, however, each of +these special guests is provided with a card which he gives to the +usher. + +When a gentleman and lady enter the church together, the usher offers +his right arm to the lady, and the gentleman follows them as they +proceed down the aisle. When several ladies arrive together, the usher +offers his arm to the eldest, and requests the others to follow as he +conducts her to her seat. + +Each usher asks of each guest whether he is friend of the bride or +bridegroom, and seats him accordingly, upon the left of the church if +a friend of the bride, upon the right if a friend of the groom. In +case the bridegroom is from the distance, and therefore there are few +of his friends present, this custom is not followed. + +Immediately before the bridal party appears, the mother of the bride +is escorted by the head usher to a seat in the front pew. Any sisters +or brothers of the bride who may not be in the bridal procession enter +with their mother. + +Meanwhile the bridal party has been gathering, the bridesmaids going +to the home of the bride and there receiving from her their bouquets, +which are the gift of the bridegroom. Thence they take carriages to +the church, where they all arrive at the hour set for the ceremony. +When the first carriage arrives, containing two of the +bridesmaids,--as the carriage of the bride and her father is the +last,--the head usher closes the inner vestibule door, and the other +ushers see that all entrance at side doors is barred. When the bride +arrives the outer street doors are closed, and the procession forms. +Two of the ushers have already carried the broad white ribbon down the +sides of the main aisle, thus shutting in the pews, and have taken +down the ribbon barrier across it. + +The bridegroom and his best man have come in a carriage by themselves +and entered the church by the vestry door. They and the clergyman +await the notice of the bride's arrival. + +The organist, who has been playing appropriate selections while the +guests were assembling, begins on the wedding march as the doors to +the church are thrown open in signal that all is in readiness. The +audience rises. The clergyman takes his place, and the bridgegroom and +best man enter, the former standing at the clergyman's left, the +latter just behind the bridegroom, who is facing the aisle down which +the bride will come. + +First come the ushers, two and two, keeping pace with the time of the +music, which is a stately, dignified march. The bridesmaids follow, +also two and two, with about six feet of space between each couple. +The maid of honor alone, or the maid and matron of honor together, +then come. The flower girl, or flower children follow, scattering +flowers from a basket hung upon the left arm. + +Then come the bride and her father, or nearest male relative, she with +downcast eyes and leaning upon his right arm. + +The procession divides as it reaches a spot opposite the place where +the bride and bridegroom are to stand, or, in an Episcopal church, the +top of the chancel steps; half go to the right and half to the left. +The bridesmaids stand between the ushers, all being grouped in a +semicircle. The maid of honor stands at the left, in front of the +bridesmaids and near the bride. + +The bridegroom advances to meet the bride, who leaves her father and +takes the bridegroom's hand, then accepts his left arm and is escorted +by him to a position in front of the clergyman. The couple kneel for a +moment before the ceremony begins. + +At the place in the ceremony where the question is asked, "Who giveth +this woman to be married to this man?" the father, who has been +standing a few feet back, advances and places the bride's right hand +in that of the clergyman, who places it in the right hand of the +bridegroom. The father then takes his seat in the front pew with his +wife, whom, as they leave the church, he escorts. + +Should a widowed mother be the only one to respond to this inquiry, +she simply rises from her seat and bows. In such a case the bridegroom +usually enters with the bride, and the procession is less elaborate. + +When the troth is being plighted and the ring is about to be given, +the best man hands it to the bridegroom, who passes it to the bride. +She hands it to the clergyman, who returns it to the bridegroom. Then +the latter places it upon the third finger of the bride's left hand. +The significance of the passing of the ring is that it completes a +circle, the symbol of eternity, of which the clergyman is one, thus +symbolizing the sanction of the church. + +After the ceremony the clergyman congratulates the newly wedded +couple, and the bride takes the right arm of her husband, walking thus +down the aisle, the bridal party following in reverse order, the +ushers therefore last. Even at a stately church ceremonial it has been +known for the bride to stop and kiss her mother before passing down +the aisle. + +The duties of the maid of honor during the service are to take from +the bride her glove and bouquet as the clergyman asks the bride and +bridegroom to join hands. Then it is her care to remove the veil from +before the face of the bride when the ceremony is over, and to turn +the train of her gown that it may fall rightly as she passes up the +aisle. + +Occasionally when there are two main aisles to the church, the bridal +procession enters on the one amid the friends of the bride, and +returns on that amid the friends of the groom, to signify that the +bride has now become one of them. + +The best man follows the clergyman to the vestry, hands him the fee, +if the groom had not before done so, and passes down the side aisle to +signal for the bridal carriage, and to give the bridegroom his hat and +coat. He then goes to the bride's house, where he assists the ushers +in introducing the guests to the pair. + +The organist starts up a very joyous march at the conclusion of the +ceremony, and continues playing while the guests are dispersing. + +Following the bridal procession the families and intimate friends of +the couple pass out before the audience, as the ribbon barriers which +reserve the aisle are not taken down until all have passed out. If the +reception is at the home, this gives the bridal party time to enter +the carriages; if the reception is in the church parlors, it gives +time for them to take their places in the receiving line. + +At the bride's home there is now time, before the guests arrive, for +all of the bridal party to congratulate and felicitate the bride and +bridegroom, and also to sign after them the register of the marriage, +which is in the care of the best man. This is usually in the form of a +book bound in white, with the initials of the bride and bridegroom +embossed upon it, and opportunity is usually given for the wedding +guests to add their signatures also. + +The bride's mother, who is the real hostess of the occasion, stands +near the entrance of the room in which the reception is held. In a +receiving line at the head of the room stand the bride and bridegroom +with half of the bridesmaids ranged on the bride's right and the +other half on the groom's left. The parents of the groom stand near +and the father of the bride with them or with his wife, as host. The +ushers present the guests to the bride and bridegroom, and then to +their parents, as guests of honor. A few words of congratulation to +the bridegroom and of best wishes to the bride are all that the few +moments possible for each guest permit. The bride offers her hand to +each guest, and presents to her husband her friends, as he does his to +her. + + +_The Home Wedding_ + +The home wedding may be made in every way quite as ideal as the church +wedding, and is much more simple, its privacy appealing to many. The +house will be decorated with flowers in good taste and not too great +profusion. Usually a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage is erected +at the head of the drawing-room. This should not be too massive, as +only a special grouping of the flowers is preferable to an arrangement +which is too crowded or shaded. + +As the guests arrive the mother and sisters of the bride receive them. +The father of the bride does not appear, nor, of course, does the +bride, until they enter together. A room is placed at the disposal of +the bridegroom, the best man, and the clergyman. + +At the stroke of the hour appointed, the clergyman enters and takes +his stand facing the company. The bridegroom and best man also enter +and stand at the left of the clergyman, the best man somewhat behind. +As in a church wedding, the broad white ribbon is used to mark the +aisle. If bouquets are attached to the ends of it, they will hold it +in place. + +Then from the farthest corner of the room enters the bridal +procession, formed as for a church wedding. + +At a simple house wedding there are often no attendants, the bride and +bridegroom entering the room together, the bride's father having taken +his position near at hand, where he can readily respond at the right +moment. + +Another way of forming the procession, which has all the advantages of +the more elaborate one, is for the best man to follow the ushers, then +the one bridesmaid to enter immediately preceding the bride and +bridegroom. + +Music is often dispensed with at a home wedding. + +When the ceremony is over the clergyman congratulates the couple and +withdraws, and they, turning, face their friends, who then come to +wish them happiness. + +Whether the wedding take place in the home or at the church, the +bridal pageant has only one object in view,--it is wholly for the +sake of the bridegroom. Every woman desires to come to her husband in +all the glory of her womanhood and of her social position. By all +custom the bridegroom does not see his bride upon the wedding day +until she approaches him as he stands at the altar. So, with her +family doing her the utmost honor that they can, she comes to him, +bringing all that she has and is, and placing herself and her future +in his care. The coming is just as real, however, though the utmost +simplicity prevail. + +Back of all the minute detail of wedding custom there is a symbolism. +With the constant elevation of the standards of marriage, this +symbolism and these customs grow purer and more in accord with the +ideals. Just as it is always taken for granted that a marriage +ceremony is uniting loving hearts, so little by little all that is at +variance with that thought will drop away, as have already several +minor details, and new forms and customs more in harmony with the new +ideals take the place of the old. These changes, however, come very +gradually, and should not be hastened, but should only keep pace with +the new conceptions. Nevertheless, there should not be too tenacious a +clinging to the old forms, which expressed lower conceptions, when the +masterly thought of the day is forging out higher and purer ideals of +marriage. + + +_The Wedding Breakfast_ + +The wedding breakfast is the name given to the refreshments which +follow the noon wedding. It is usually given when there are but few +relatives and intimate friends, because it is an expensive feast if +large numbers are invited. It is really a dinner, served in courses, +at numerous small tables, each with a complete dinner service. One +large table, placed in the center of the room or elsewhere +conspicuously, is reserved for the bridal party. + +The menu usually consists of "fruit, raw oysters, bouillon, fish or +lobster in some fancy form, an entrée, birds and salad, ices, cakes, +bonbons, and coffee," according to one recognized authority. Or it may +be much simpler, and include only oysters or bouillon, sandwiches and +salad, ices, cakes, and coffee. + +Usually some punch is served in which to pledge the bride and +bridegroom. If wine is used, champagne is customary for weddings. + +The caterer usually supplies all the necessities for the wedding +feast, even to china, linen, silver, candelabra, and flowers, should +the bride's parents so wish. + +At the wedding reception, after the congratulations and greetings are +over, and the breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead +the way to the dining-room. Then comes the bride's father with the +groom's mother. The bridegroom's father follows with some member of +the bride's family, then come the best man and the maid of honor. The +ushers and bridesmaids pair off, and other members of the bridal party +or of the two families follow in pairs. Lastly, as hostess of the +occasion, comes the bride's mother, with the officiating clergyman, or +the senior and highest in rank of the clergymen, if there be more than +one, as guest of honor. + +The rest of the guests, who are not seated at the bridal table, find +their seats as they choose, with friends, no place cards being used. + +For an afternoon or evening reception the refreshments are served as +for any reception. A large table in the dining-room is decorated with +flowers and piled with the edibles, which are served by the waiters to +the guests as they enter. The variety of food depends wholly upon the +resources of the bride's parents and the size and elaborateness of the +wedding. Many prefer a simple repast as the hour is unusual for a +meal, and a dinner is not to be served. + +When the bride and bridegroom enter and are served, the best man +proposes a toast to their health and happiness, and all present stand, +glass in hand, and pledge them. + +At a wedding breakfast the English custom is to have toasts and +speeches, but it is not followed largely in this country. Where it is, +usually at a small wedding party, the father of the bridegroom or the +best man proposes the health of the bride and bridegroom. The father +of the bride responds. Sometimes the bridegroom is called on to +respond to this toast, which he does, proposing in turn the health of +the bridesmaids. To this the best man responds. + +The wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake, which is at its best only +when made months in advance and kept in a stone crock well covered. +This is finely frosted and ornamented. + +At the close of the wedding breakfast the wedding cake is set before +the bride, who cuts the first slice from it. It is then passed to the +others. + +At a large wedding, where no breakfast is served, the wedding cake is +usually cut into small pieces and placed in white boxes, which are +decorated with the initials of the bride and bridegroom and are tied +with white ribbon. These are placed upon a table in the hall near the +door and the guests either each take one as he leaves, or one is +handed him by a servant. + +Sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put away in a tin box and +sealed, to be opened by the couple on some future anniversary. + +The wedding cake is distinct from the bride's cake, which may be +served by the latter at a dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more +before the wedding, and in which a thimble, a coin, and a ring are +hidden. The superstition is that the young women who by chance receive +the slices containing these are respectively destined for a future of +single blessedness, wealth, or domestic bliss. + +At a reception the larger number of the guests depart before the +bridal couple go to the dining-room. As soon as refreshments are +served them, and the toast to them has been drunk, they retire to don +suits for traveling. The bridegroom waits for the bride at the foot of +the staircase, and the bridesmaids gather there too, as when she +comes, she throws her bridal bouquet among them, and the bridesmaid +who catches it will be the next bride, according to an old +superstition. + +As the outer door is opened to let the couple out, all the friends and +relatives present throw flowers or confetti or rice after them, for +good luck, and an old white slipper is thrown after the carriage as +they drive off. The custom of thus showering the departing couple has +been sometimes carried to such an extreme that many refrain from it. +Rice is somewhat dangerous, and confetti is so distinctive as +frequently to cause embarrassment when in a public train or station. +Flowers may appropriately be used, and are always at hand in the +decorations of the home. + + +_The Wedding Journey_ + +The wedding journey is the bride and bridegroom's affair, and the +knowledge of it is kept their secret and divulged only to the best +man, who probably helps arrange for it, and to the father and mother +of the bride, and they all are silent about it. The intrusion of even +intimate friends upon such a trip is not considered good form. + +The custom of taking a journey at this time is not so rigidly observed +as it used to be, many young couples preferring to go direct to their +new home, or to a quiet country house for the honeymoon. + +The real wishes of the couple should be followed out at this time, +because they are now more free from social obligations than they will +be later, and a wise start upon married life is of all things most +desirable and necessary. + + +_Wedding Fee_ + +The fee should be placed in an envelope or purse, and given to the +clergyman by the best man or some friend of the bridegroom, just +before or just after the ceremony, as may be most convenient. It is +sometimes handed to the clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of +the ceremony and before the couple turn away from the altar. It should +be always given quietly, privately, and with no display or comment. + +The clergyman does not examine the fee or comment upon it, other than +indicating his acceptance. + +The size of the fee is a matter of individual taste. Because it is +unostentatiously given, its size is known only to the bridegroom and +the clergyman, and to none others unless they wish to tell. There are +some people in fashionable circles who employ a minister only at +marriages and funerals, and who labor under the impression that they +are objects of charity and that by them even the small favor is always +thankfully received. No one thing so denotes the degree of real +refinement in a man as the fee he offers the clergyman for marrying +him. The clergyman is one of the three principals in the marriage +ceremony. The great majority of brides desire that their marriage +should have the sanction and benediction of the religious body with +which they worship, or which has standing in their community and among +their people. At the very least, in the civil marriage, without a +third party to represent either church or state a marriage ceremony +and therefore a legalized marriage is impossible. The third principal +is therefore an important part of the affair. To treat him shabbily in +any way denotes no real appreciation of his presence. So it is that +the true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome fee to him, if his +means permit it, as he is to give to his bride something which shall +delight and please her, and which shall symbolize his appreciation of +the gift of herself. The bridegroom's offering to the clergyman is +indeed the touchstone of his refinement. Wedding fees vary from five +to a thousand dollars, the usual amount being twenty-five dollars for +the fairly affluent. + + +_Wedding Presents_ + +So extreme has become the custom of sending wedding presents that it +is perhaps necessary to remind those who really desire to do the +correct thing, that a perfunctory service, or gift, or courtesy has no +intrinsic value, and the omission of it would often be far more +satisfactory than its bestowal. + +The usual form of wedding gift is something of use and ornament for +the new house. Silver, linen, cut glass, or china for the dining-room, +furniture, rugs, lamps, clocks, vases, books, and pictures, or +bric-a-brac for the rest of the house, are all appropriate. + +If silver is given, it should not be marked, as the bride may have +duplicates and prefer to exchange some pieces for others, or as she +may have a special form of engraving which she prefers. The exchange +of a gift, however, removes from it the personal thought of the giver, +and makes its acceptance more a matter of mercenary than of friendly +interest. If, however, such exchange is made at the suggestion or with +the approval of the giver, it still remains a personal gift. The +indefinite way in which many people choose wedding gifts for their +friends, following only the conventional ideas of what is suitable, +has taken a great deal of personal interest from the gift at the very +first. + +The wedding gift should be a real gift in spirit, something expressive +of the giver's good wishes, and something which the bride and +bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its worth to them. Foolish +things, whether expensive or not, have no real utility or beauty, and +have always the atmosphere of insult about them, or else always +reflect upon the intelligence of the giver. + +A bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon as they are received, and +before her wedding day if possible. Spontaneous rather than +stereotyped notes of thanks are preferable. They should show +appreciation of the gift, and include the name of the bridegroom-elect +in her expression of their gratitude. A bride should remember that +too elaborate notes, which are a grave tax on her strength or time in +the busy days preceding a wedding, are unwise, as is any other +unnecessary expenditure of energy. + +It is never obligatory to send a wedding present. The wedding +announcement and wedding invitation are equally suggestive of such +gifts, for in either case, whether one is invited to the ceremony or +not, one is perfectly free to do as he pleases about conferring a +gift. + + +_The Country Wedding_ + +There is an especial attractiveness and simplicity about the out-door +wedding in the country, for those who desire to get rid of the +conventional and artificial. Such a wedding is, of course, a day +wedding. The late afternoon might be chosen, but the twilight never. +The weather must be warm. + +A secluded corner in the garden, the shade of some stately tree on the +lawn, or the flowery seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive +chancels for the ceremony. + +The grass should be cut close, and all leaves and débris swept away. + +Somewhat removed from the place of the ceremony, but still on the lawn +or piazza, small tables and chairs may be placed in groups, and +refreshments served out of doors also. + +The simplicity and homelike yet solemn atmosphere of a wedding in a +country church appeal to many. There much of the formality of a city +church wedding may be dispensed with, and yet the whole of the +religious spirit, which should attend a church wedding, and indeed any +wedding, be retained. The country church lends itself more aptly to +those private weddings where the bridal party, whether small or large, +are the only spectators, than does the large city church. The sense of +exclusiveness is preserved without the great sense of bareness and +emptiness. + +To many the private church wedding appeals with great force. The +religious and sacramental nature of the ceremony is emphasized, +without the pomp and display of the public service. Such a wedding +usually takes place in the daytime rather than in the evening. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN + + +ONE may be taught self-restraint and unselfish consideration for +others at so early an age that such virtues become habitual, and minor +maxims are to a large extent unnecessary. Of course, the child will +still have to be shown the various ways in which he can show +consideration, but he will quite frequently do of himself those acts +which make for the comfort and well-being of others. + +Habits of deference to elders spring from more complex motives, and +the training in them may have to be more persistent and rigorous. Boys +should be taught to take off their caps to their elders, both in the +family and in the circle of friends, when they meet them on the +street. They should rise when ladies enter the room, and remain +standing until all are seated. + +An important part in a child's bringing up is to teach him to put away +his own garments and to clear up after his play or work. If this is +instilled early into the child, there will never be any need of the +pain of counteracting slovenliness, and also never any of that +disagreeable haughtiness toward servants, which is fostered by nothing +so much as by the inch-by-inch waiting upon a child. + +The child who has been made a companion of, and not repressed or +driven away by the older people of the family, has a sort of +instinctive respect for them, which, though it may overstep itself in +some daring familiarity occasionally, is the basis of a strong +authority over him. The child who has been spied on, and whose idea of +all adults is that they are a sort of modified policemen, will show +respect only under compulsion, and will fail in all those fine +courtesies which the thoroughly well-bred child grows to delight in. + +Self-control and self-repression are equal virtues to be cultivated in +the child. To permit the child to be indifferent and inattentive when +one is trying to amuse or entertain, to be impatient to get at the end +of a story or a game, to keep yawning; or making other expressions of +weariness when being reproved or reprimanded, cultivates in the child +a mental laziness which is as bad as its opposite,--parrot-like +facility for chattering and asking questions, which gives a child no +chance to think, and makes him develop into a man of only surface +intelligence and thoughtless flippancy. Even a child can appreciate, +if rightly taught, the motive back of a kind action, and can respect +that even if the action does not interest him. + +On the other hand, it is a serious matter to allow a child to be +constantly bored with lectures on his conduct, or even with efforts to +amuse him. He should be let alone, thrown upon his own resources, and +not permitted to be taxed beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but +futile efforts on his behalf. + +Children should never be allowed to interrupt. For that reason +parents, and those who have the care of children, should remember not +to monopolize the conversation when there are children present, nor +talk on and on for a long time, as no person, least of all a child, +can follow such continuous talk without weariness. + +Children should be taught that thinking will answer most of their +questions for them, that they should wait and see if the answer will +not be given by something that is said later on. Every effort made to +drive the thought of a loquacious child back upon itself is an effort +in the right direction; just as every effort made to express and +reveal the thought of an imaginative child is much to the latter's +benefit. + +The sayings of a child should never be quoted in his presence, nor his +doings related. He becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby. + +A child should be taught to respect the rights of the father and +mother to the easiest chairs in the room, or those which they may +prefer, and should leave those chairs vacant until the father and +mother are seated elsewhere. + +The boy who has been brought up at home, both by precept and by his +father's example, never to seat himself at the dining table or in the +family sitting-room until his mother is seated, will not need to be +told that he should rise in a crowded street car and give his seat to +an elderly woman. He will do it so instinctively that it will not be a +burden,--indeed, the regret would be more keen if he could not do it. + +If children are present at the dining table, it is wiser to help them +first, and the grown people last, than the reverse. In everything it +is well to follow the etiquette of adult life, as, for instance, by +helping the girls before the boys. + +Children should be taught to be punctual at meals, not simply for the +sake of health, but out of consideration for the cook and for those +who might otherwise be obliged to wait for them. They should not be +allowed to hurry through a meal because of their impatience to get at +play, although they may be wisely excused when they are quite through. +There is no value in making them the bored, squirming, or subdued +listeners to conversation quite beyond their comprehension or +interest. They should be taught to eat leisurely, and to regard the +mealtime as a chance to talk with their parents about interesting +things, and not simply as a time to be shortened and slighted if +possible. + +Usually the child's first rigid lesson in punctuality comes at the +beginning of school life. Then, most profitably, may be cultivated a +sense of the rights of others, and of his individual responsibility +toward the social group, represented for him by his teacher and +schoolmates. If the emphasis is rightly laid upon the necessity of his +not delaying the work of his classmates and teacher, he will naturally +find many ways in which he may apply the same thought, greatly to his +own advantage and to theirs as well, and to the permanent +strengthening of his habits of work. + +A keen sense of social oneness may also prevent the too frequent +heart-burnings among shy and sensitive children. This is as easily +cultivated as is the opposite, and is of great importance both in +childhood and in later life. The seeming injustice of the teacher may +often be made clear, and seen to be just, when the welfare of the +whole school is taken into consideration. This is a matter of the +natural enlargement of the child's mental horizon, and if the proper +spirit has been fostered, the child will welcome it. Should it be done +carefully and wisely, the roots of many social weeds will at once be +eliminated. + +Fault-finding should be discouraged in school and at home. It is never +the best method of fault correction, and should not be countenanced. + +The bringing home of tales of the teacher and of schoolmates, in a +spirit of complaint, should not be permitted. Pleasant accounts of +happenings at school should be encouraged, but grumbling against +rules, as well as personal gossip, should not be permitted. The +authority of the home must support the authority of the school or the +child will nowhere receive that discipline and training which he needs +in order to meet the experiences of life. + +The child should be allowed a certain sum of money, which, even in the +most lavish homes, should be a little under what the wants of the +child require. The giving of this money should be done regularly at a +stated time, and there should never be any extra giving, or increase +of the usual sum, except under very unusual circumstances, which +should not be allowed to happen more than once a year. + +The child should also be held accountable for his money. If he is old +enough to have any money, or to spend any, he is old enough to tell +how he spent it, even to the last penny. Unless all is accounted for, +the habits of accuracy and care are not formed. The record of this +should be written down, even if done very simply and without special +form, and later, as the child grows older, more conventional forms of +bookkeeping should be required. + +It should be also required that there be some saving, which is +preferably a certain proportion of the whole, this for a beginning to +which to add extra sums as the child may wish. This saved sum should +be permanently put by, and drawing from it should not be permitted. It +may be transferred to a bank at long intervals, always by the child +himself, and his pride in doing it and keeping it there should be +cultivated. + +These matters may all be made a game and sheer fun. Their grave +importance is apparent on every hand. For the child which has been +taught early to do these things, will do them with such ease as to +make it seem instinctive, and the child who does it will never, under +any ordinary circumstances, come to want. + +The proper behavior in church should be taught rather by trying to +inculcate the spirit of worship than by making rules to be followed. A +child is very susceptible to impressiveness of any sort, and if the +reason for it is made clear to him, he will be quicker to respond to +it by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an older person. Even +the obstreperous child is at least temporarily impressed, if he sees +that others are, and if he knows the reason for it. + +Children should realize that it is their privilege and duty to serve +guests, whether their own or their parents. The sacrifice of one's own +comfort for the sake of the guest takes, with a child, the form of a +sort of play, usually because of the excitement of the arrival of a +stranger, and the possibilities of fun in the enjoyment of the +stranger's stay. + +The child should be taught respect for the guest's person, and should +not be allowed to take the same liberties with a gown or a glove that +sometimes the mother or aunts permit, no matter how great the novelty +of the texture or how it appeals to the child's sense of beauty. The +privileges of being a guest should be always duly respected, and the +child be thus taught at once his duty as a host and his position as a +guest. + +Children should never be allowed to play with a visitor's hat or cane, +or handle furniture or ornaments in a strange house, or show by +ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a child, in unaccustomed +surroundings, naturally feels. They can be taught so great a respect +for the possessions of others that they would become able to stifle +their curiosity, or express it only at a fitting time. + +Children should not be sent to the drawing-room to entertain +visitors, unless the visitors request it themselves. Nor should they +be allowed to be troublesome to visitors or guests at any time, any +more than servants should be allowed to be insolent. They should never +be allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests, nor to visit them +often or long. + +Children should not be permitted to enter into the pleasures of their +elders when, to do so, would be to spoil the kind of sociability for +which the occasion was intended. At all formal functions, children are +out of place. When making formal calls, children are usually in the +way, and the silent part they are forced to play is disagreeable for +them. They are also out of place at a funeral, or in a cemetery, or +anywhere that there is mourning. It is an injury to a child to see +grief,--unless it be his great concern, and in that case it is no +longer a matter of etiquette, but of necessary life experience. + +Children should not dine out except by special invitation. It is as +discourteous to permit a child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a +neighbor, as it is wrong for the child to think that such uninvited +visits are permissible. + +A child should be taught never to touch what does not belong to it, +except with the express permission of the owner. This applies to goods +in a store, as well as to the furniture of places other than his +home, and to the belongings of others in his home. + +A child should not be allowed to intrude into a drive, a walk, a call, +or a conversation. It is unfair to the child, and awkward for him, and +is no kindness, as it takes away the benefit which he might otherwise +derive from the pleasure either by continually snubbing his +self-respect, or by repressing his energy and curiosity to the danger +point. + +Children should not be allowed to go to picnic parties, unless they +have been invited and entertainment prepared for them. + +Children should be taught to treat servants with all the politeness +with which they treat their elders, and with much more consideration. +The converse of the servants with children should be of the same +careful and pleasant quality that the best parents use and desire. +This may well be insisted upon. On the other hand, the children should +be taught that servants are busy people, that they should never be +imposed upon, and that unnecessary work should not be made for them. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING + + +UPON the occasion of a death in the family a reliable undertaker is at +once notified and his suggestions followed as to the necessary +preparations to be made for the funeral. + +The shades are drawn throughout the front of the house, as a sign that +the family is in retirement. The women of the family are not seen upon +the street unless necessary, the men taking full charge of all +business matters. The directions which the undertaker desires should +be decided upon by the family, or nearest relative of the deceased, +and then some one member of the family should be delegated to see that +they are carried out. Palm leaves tied with ribbon or chiffon, spray +bouquets of white flowers tied with ribbon, an ivy wreath broken with +a bunch of purple everlasting, are much preferred to crape upon the +door. + +Press notices of the funeral and death should be sent to the +newspapers. The conduct of the funeral should be arranged with the +clergyman chosen to officiate, the superintendent of the cemetery +consulted (usually through the undertaker), and the notes of request +sent to those chosen to act as pallbearers. Sometimes the latter are +purely honorary, the undertaker furnishing the bearers. The honor is +usually given to intimate family friends, or close business associates +in case of a business man. + +A carriage is always provided for the clergyman, and he is entitled to +a fee, although clergymen do not charge it, either at a home or church +funeral. If the service is held at a church, the sexton, organist and +singers,--and the singers at a home funeral as well,--are entitled to +recompense for their services. + +Carriages are sent for the pallbearers, and are also provided to +convey the family, and as many of the friends as may be invited to go, +to the cemetery. + +One may announce in the newspaper "Burial private," in which case it +is understood that only the family attend at the grave; or "No +flowers" if the family wish the usual sending of flowers dispensed +with. + +The clergyman usually consults the wishes of the family as to the form +of service, the hymns or music, and remarks. The funeral service +should be brief, and preferably a ritual service with no sermon or +eulogy. The last are usually harrowing to the feelings of the +mourners, and there should be every reasonable effort made to relieve +the tension of the occasion, for the sake of the living. + +At a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the first pews at the left +of the center aisle; the family in those to the right. At a home +funeral it is customary to have the family in some secluded room near +the one where the coffin is placed and to have the clergyman stand in +the hall between, or at the entrance of the drawing-room, where he may +be readily heard by all. + +If the service at the grave immediately follows the funeral the house +should meanwhile be aired, the shades lifted, the flowers all sent +away to some hospital, and the rooms arranged in the usual way. + +Before a funeral at the home, it is necessary for some member of the +family to receive the relatives from the distance, and the very +intimate friends, and see that they are given necessary refreshment, +and their return to trains, if they must leave immediately after the +funeral, thoroughly understood by the hackmen. + +At a home funeral the singers should be somewhat distant from the +family, so that the music is not loud. + +The members of the family are dressed in hats and veils ready to enter +the carriages, before the service. They pass to view the body,--if, +according to a former custom, the casket is left open,--last of all, +and enter the last carriage before that of the pallbearers, which +immediately precedes the hearse. + +In sending flowers to a funeral, one's card is enclosed. There should +be no slightest sense of obligation in the sending of flowers, and +each piece should represent only real sympathy or respect. + +The putting on of black garments as a sign that one has lost a near +relative has been much modified by the good sense of the people, and +the period of mourning shortened, especially in England. In stating +the accepted mourning custom, the moderate observance of it has been +given, both extremes being ignored. + +Crape is the quality of goods most closely allied with mourning. Black +dresses trimmed with black crape are usually worn for the first few +months by women who have lost a near relative. The black veil worn by +widows is now of moderate length, and usually not of the very thick +material which was once in vogue. A ruche of white is now placed just +inside the bonnet, which relieves the black effect somewhat. Black +furs and sealskins are worn with mourning. + +The English fashion of six months of the deepest mourning and six +months of secondary is meeting with more and more approval in this +country, although for a close relative a year is the first period and +six months the second. + +One who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six +months; after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical, +but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn. + +During the mourning period, black-bordered stationery is used. The +border on paper and envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch for +a close relative and half that for a more distant one, or during the +secondary period of mourning, if one cares to make the change. The +personal visiting card has a black border during this time. + +The handkerchief is bordered with narrow black, or is of +narrow-bordered, plain, sheer linen. + +For relatives-in-law it is not customary to put on black, although for +a father- or mother-in-law it is customary, in the best society, to +dress nearly as for an own father or mother. + +A widower wears a complete suit of black, white linen, dull-black silk +neckties, dull-black leather shoes, black gloves, and a black ribbon +of broader width upon his hat. + +The mourning band sewed upon the coat sleeve is a discredited form of +mourning. It does not denote the nearness of the loss, and has only +the virtue of cheapness for those who cannot afford to show marked +respect to the dead. + +Men do not observe the custom of withdrawing from society for as long +a time as do the women, but usually reappear at the homes of intimate +friends, at public places of entertainment, and at the club after two +or three months. As long as the mourning band is worn upon the hat, +however, no man should attend large and fashionable functions, as +dinner or dancing parties, or the theater. + +After six months a woman may resume calling, returning the calls of +those who called upon her in the early weeks of her bereavement. + +Children of fifteen years of age and under should not wear mourning. + +The viewing of the body of the deceased as it lies in the casket is +the privilege of only the family and the immediate friends, and should +not be requested by others. Therefore, the casket is now usually +closed before the funeral service, especially if that be at a church. +In case of a man in public office, it is sometimes necessary that the +body should lie in state for certain hours, when the public may pay +their respects. + +Punctuality is very necessary in regard to everything connected with a +funeral service, as the overwrought nerves of those who are sorrowing +should not be taxed to bear any extra tension. + +Within ten days after the funeral, a card of thanks for sympathy +should be sent to all who have called upon the family or sent flowers +or offered their services in any way. + +When one is in mourning, one does not attend a wedding reception, +though one may be present at the ceremony. Black should not be worn. + +Mourners announce their return to society by sending out their cards +to friends and acquaintances. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +MILITARY, NAVAL, AND FLAG ETIQUETTE + + +THE social usage in respect to military or naval officers follows +ordinarily the customs of formal occasions or occasions of state in +civilian life, or is provided for in the instructions of the army and +the navy, which the members of those two departments of the service +would alone be expected to know. There are, however, one or two +occasions where the etiquette of social life is, or may be, modified +by the formalities due to these representatives of the Government. + + +_The Formal Military Wedding_ + +The church or formal home wedding where the bridegroom and his +attendants are all army men, may have the distinctive feature of the +arch of swords or bayonets. The bridegroom and the ushers, in that +case, are all in full dress uniform. The bride and bridesmaids are +dressed daintily and fluffily to afford contrast. The church should be +decorated with palms and lilies, and with the national and the +regimental flags in the chancel. As the organist begins the +wedding-march, two color-bearers of the regiment, carrying one the +national flag and the other the regimental colors, precede the +bridegroom and the best man from the vestry. The latter take their +usual places, and the color-bearers move to a position at either side +of the chancel steps. After the ceremony, they move to the head of the +aisle, and the ushers form a line to the foot of the chancel steps. +The ushers then put on their caps, unsheathe their swords, or raise +their bayonets, and form an arch with them. Under this arch pass the +bride and bridegroom, and the bridesmaids. Then, sheathing their +swords and removing their caps, the ushers fall into line at the end +of the procession. + + +_Naval and Yachting Usage_ + +When one is the guest of the owners or the officers of a yacht, or of +the officers of a government warship or other large vessel, it is well +to know that in the lading of the gig for reaching and leaving the +ship, the order of precedence is always as follows: Juniors in rank or +official importance enter the gig first, and the one highest in rank +immediately precedes the Captain, who is always the last to embark and +the first to disembark. In leaving the gig, the order is reversed +from that on entering it, the junior in rank thus being the last to +leave the boat. + + +_The Etiquette of the Flag_ + +The flag is displayed every day only on government buildings and +schoolhouses. On state holidays, and like commemorative days when it +is customary for the flag to be displayed on private buildings, it +should be raised at sunrise and lowered at sunset. It should not be +displayed on stormy days, nor left out over night. It should never be +allowed to touch the ground. When it is to be displayed at half-mast +only, it should be raised to the tip of the staff and then lowered +halfway. It should never be festooned or draped, but always be hung +flat. + +On Memorial Day, May 30, the flag should be displayed at half-mast +until twelve o'clock noon, and then raised to the top of the staff +until sunset. The salute for the changing of the position of the flag +at all army posts and stations having artillery, is as follows: +immediately before noon, the band plays some appropriate air, and at +the stroke of twelve the national salute of twenty-one guns is fired. +After this the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff, while +everybody stands at attention, with hand raised to the forehead ready +for the salute. When the colors reach the top, the salute is given, +and the band plays patriotic airs. + +The salute to the flag is used at its formal raising, and when it +passes on parade or in review. The hand salute according to the +regulations of the United States Army is as follows: + +"Standing at attention, raise the right hand to the forehead over the +right eye, palm downward, fingers extended and close together, arm at +an angle of forty-five degrees. Move hand outward about a foot, with a +quick motion then drop to the side. When the colors are passing on +parade or in review, the spectator should, if walking, halt, if +sitting, arise, and stand at attention and uncover." + +In schools two forms of salute are taught. The first, for primary +children, is: "We give our heads and our hearts to God and our +country; one country, one land, one flag." The second, for all other +pupils, is: "I pledge allegiance to my flag and to the Republic for +which it stands: one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for +all." + +When the flag is carried on parade, it is dipped in salute to the +official who is reviewing the parade. Whenever the flag is displayed +with other flags,--whether the colors of a regiment or other military +organization, or of alien nations,--it should be placed, or carried, +or crossed, at the right of the other flag or flags. When portrayed +in illustrations by any process or for any purpose, it is so pictured +that the staff will always be at the left and the fabric will float to +the right. + +The chief regulations governing the composition of the flag are as +follows: In the _field_ of the flag there should be thirteen +horizontal stripes, alternating red and white, the first and the last +stripes red. These stripes represent the thirteen original colonies. +The colors red and white were chosen by George Washington, the red +from the flag of England, the Mother Country, broken by the white, +symbolizing liberty, to show the separation. The _union_ of the +flag--white stars on a field of blue--should be seven stripes high, +and about seven-tenths of the height of the flag in length. "The stars +should have five points, with one point directly upward."[A] The stars +symbolize the States. "By an act of Congress on October 26, 1912, the +flag now has forty-eight stars, arranged in six horizontal rows of +eight each." + + +THE END + +FOOTNOTE: + +[A] Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag." + + + + +INDEX + + + Abbreviations, 99, 113, 115 + Absent-mindedness, 125 + Acceptances, 112 + Accidents at table, 154 + Accounts for children, 219, 220 + Acknowledgment of wedding gifts, 211 + Addresses on cards, 100; + on envelopes, 60-66, 118; + on invitations, 114, 118 + Addressing: + The President of the United States, 62, 63; + Vice President, 63; + Members of the Cabinet, 64; + Ambassadors, 63, 64; + Governors, 63; + Mayors, 63; + The King of England, 64; + Dukes, 65; + The Pope, 65; + Bishops and Archbishops, 65, 66; + strangers, 66, 67; + married women, 67 + Addressing wedding invitations, 118 + After-dinner speeches, 166 + Afternoon tea, 145 + Afternoon teas for the engaged girl, 180 + Allowances for children, 219, 220 + Amusement, places of, 122-124, 170 + Anger, 8 + Anniversaries, 40 + Announcement of engagement, 179-181; + by newspaper notice, 179; + by personal note, 74 + Announcements: engagement, 74, 179-181; + birth, 104, 105; + death, 224, 225; + marriage, 116; + postponements, 119, 120 + Answering Letters, 76 + Apology, 29, 31 + Appearance, personal, 6, 10 + Applauding, 124 + Art of Being a Guest, The, 137-144 + "At Home" days, 145, 146 + "At Home" invitations of bridal couple, 116, 117 + Attitude toward strangers, 132, 133, 135 + + Balls, 112 + "Bal Poudre" invitations, 112 + Beauty, 10, 15 + Begging pardon, 29, 82, 130 + Behavior in church, 124, 125; + public, 122-136 + Best man, duties of, 8, 196-199, 201, 205, 208 + Birth announcements, 104, 105 + Birthday anniversaries, 41 + Blank invitation, the, 109, 110 + Bow, the, manner of, 78, 79; + significance of, 80-82 + Breakfasts, 148, 149; + dress at, 12, 36; + menu of, 148; + wedding, 204-207 + Bridal party: + at rehearsal, 191; + at "showers" and dinners, 181-183; + at church, 192 + Bridal procession, formation of, 196, 202, 203; + at a church wedding, 197, 199; + at a home wedding, 202 + Bridal "Showers," 181-183 + Bridal veil, 190 + Bridegroom's duties at ceremony, 196-199; + preparation of a home, 185; + share of expense of wedding, 186; + wedding outfit, 186, 187 + Bridesmaid, duties of a, 8, 196-200 + Business acquaintances, 129 + Business cards, 100 + Business, etiquette of, 83, 129 + Business introductions by correspondence, 70 + Business letters, 54, 55, 60 + Business meetings, 123 + Business training of a wife, 23 + Business women, social life of, 171, 172 + + Cake: + wedding, 206; + bridal, 207 + Calling upon one person, 93; + a guest, 93 + Calls: + after entertainment, 90, 138; + by men, 92; + first, 94, 95; + formal, 90; + friendly, 90, 93; + obligations of, 91, 138; + upon brides, 94; + clergymen, 94; + government officials in Washington, 94; + newcomers, 94; + people of note, 94; + return of, 90, 95; + time of, 90 + Candles, use of, 151 + Card, The Personal, 96-105; + form of, 96, 105; + form of name on, 97, 98; + inscription of, 97-100; + titles on, 97, 100, 101; + use of, 102-105; + after change of residence, 103; + announcing a birth, 104, 105; + announcing a departure, 104; + leaving, 90, 91, 103; + of sympathy, 104; + of congratulation, 104; + presenting at calls, 91, 95, 102; + when visiting or traveling, 103, 131 + Cards, Place, 152 + Carriages for wedding, 193, 196; + for funeral, 226 + Casual Meetings, 78-90 + Chaperon, Duties of the, 169-173; + necessity of, 169; + in public, 169, 170; + at calls, 170, 172; + with the engaged couple, 173; + for the débutante, 172; + relations with one's, 172, 173; + at a dancing party, 139, 147 + Character, 7 + Children, Etiquette for, 214-223; + and mourning, 222; + and servants, 214, 223; + and visitors, 221, 222; + at the dining table, 217; + in church, 220 + Church, attendance, 143; + behavior in, 124, 125; + of children, 220 + Church weddings, public, 194, 213; + private, 213; + invitations, 114-119 + Cleanliness, 14 + Club dinners or receptions, 165, 166 + Club invitations, 111 + Club officers, 165 + Conclusions of letters, 66, 70 + Coffee, service of, 154 + Condolence, letters of, 75, 76; + acknowledgment, 76, 120 + Congratulations, 76 + Conformity to custom, 203 + Congresses, guests at, 167 + Consideration on the part of a guest, 141-143 + Convalescence, 45 + Conversation, 16, 48-52; + at table, 35, 46 + Correspondence, 52-55 + Correspondence cards, 56 + Country, entertainment in the, 161-164; + parties, 144, 164 + Country wedding, 117, 212, 213 + Courses at formal dinner, 157, 158 + Courtesy, 2, 3, 4, 5, 18, 19, 20; + to servants, 45, 46, 47, 144; + to nurse and doctor, 45; + to invalids, 44 + Cutlery, arrangement of, 152 + + Dancing Parties, 138, 139, 140; + invitations, 109-111 + Daylight, use of, 149 + Deaf persons, 32 + Debate, 50, 51 + Débutante and the chaperon, 169, 172 + Decorations for wedding, 192 + Deference to elders, 214 + Dessert, service of, 154, 158 + Dinners, 149-158; + announcement of, 155; + choice of guests, 150; + conversation at, 49, 150; + formal, 137, 149; + invitations to, 109, 150; + lighting of, 151; + menu of, 157, 158; + place cards for, 152; + retiring from, 156; + seating guests at, 151, 155, 156; + service of, 152, 153; + table-setting for, 151, 152 + Discipline, 46, 47 + Dress, 11, 36, 112, 128, 134, 140, 186-190 + Dress for men: + afternoon, 13, 94; + early breakfast, 13; + formal breakfast, 13; + evening, 14, 156; + at weddings, 14, 186 + Dress for women: + at home, 16; + ball, 13; + church, 12, 189; + dinner, 12, 13, 150, 155, 189; + formal breakfast, 12; + house party, 140; + luncheon, 12; + mourning, 13; + traveling, 130, 141; + visiting, 140; + wedding, 187-189; + as business woman, 15; + as hostess, 13; + as housewife, 16; + as milliner, 15 + Driving, 127, 128 + Duties of Host and Hostess, 145-168 + + Emerson, iv + Engaged couple, the: + at a dancing party, 139; + at home, 177; + duties to friends, 178; + in society, 177-179; + meeting each other's friends, 178, 179 + Engagement announcements, 179-181 + Engagement, The Broken, 183-185; + announcement of, 183, 184; + explanation of, 184 + Engagements: + punctuality, 17, 32; + punctiliousness in keeping, 17 + English customs of entertainment, 158, 159 + Engraved Invitation, The, 105-121; + stock of, 105, 106; + type of, 106, 107, 108; + size of, 105, 106 + Entering a room, 27 + Entertainment, assisting in, 123, 124; + English customs of, 159; + for guests, 142, 162; + in the country, 163 + Entertainment committees, duties of, 166 + Envelopes, 118; + addressing, 59, 60, 61, 114, 118; + sealing, 59; + stamping, 59 + Ethics, 1 + Etiquette, an art, 2; + the end of, iii; + the need of, iii, 2; + The Rewards of, 1-5 + Etiquette of Mourning, 224-230 + Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement, The, 174-193 + + Family Etiquette, 20-47 + Faults among women, 18 + Fees, 144 + Festivities, rural, 164 + Finger bowls, 37 + First Calls, 94, 95 + Five o'clock tea, 145 + Forms of wedding invitations, 114, 115; + announcements, 115, 116; + reception cards, 116, 117; + bridal "At Home" cards, 116, 117; + personal cards, 96-105; + dinner invitations, 109; + reception, 117; "At Home," 116, 117, 120; + party, 109; + New Year, 121 + Forms of announcements of postponement, 119, 120; + gratitude for sympathy, 120 + Friends, 21, 42-44 + + General Rules of Conduct, 26-33 + Gifts, 40, 41, 42; + engagement, 181, 185; + for "showers," 181-183; + of bridegroom to bride, 186; + of bridegroom to ushers and bridesmaids, 186; + to servants, 144; + wedding, 210-213 + Giving away the bride, 198 + Gloves, 149, 151 + Golden Rule, 2 + Good-night formalities, 28; + at a reception, 138; + dancing party, 140; + dinner, 156 + Graduations, 167, 168 + Greeting guests at a luncheon, 149; + dinner, 156; + reception, 147 + Greetings, 28, 78-83 + Guest chamber, 160, 161 + Guest, the art of being a, 137-144, 167 + Guest: + at afternoon tea, 137, 138; + a congress, etc., 166, 167; + country house, 159; + dancing party, 138; + reception, 138; + wedding, 195, 196, 201 + Guests, tardiness of, 155 + + Handshaking, 80, 82, 86, 87 + Handwriting, 58 + Haughtiness, 11 + Home, founding the, 20-26 + Home wedding, the, 201-203; + invitations, 115 + Horseback riding, 128, 129 + Hospitality, 145, 165-168 + Hotel etiquette, 126, 127, 133-136; + dining-room civility, 135-136; + dress in, 134 + House parties, 158, 159; + sports at, 163 + Household management, 22 + Host, duties of, 137, 166-168 + Hostess, duties of, 127, 137 + + Illness, 44, 45 + Impartiality, 30 + Informality in entertaining, 164 + Ink, 58 + Inscriptions on cards, 97-100 + Interruptions, 17, 49 + Introduction, letters of, 70-72; + advisability of, for business, 70; + socially, 70, 71; + presentation of, 72; + obligations of, 72 + Introductions, 84-89, 148; + at chance meetings, 87; + at a dancing party, 87, 89, 138, 139; + at a dinner, 89, 149; + by a guest, 86; + by a hostess, 86, 90; + discrimination in, 85; + form of, 84; + of a gentleman to a lady, 84, 86, 88; + responses to, 84; + responsibility for, 88; + to one's relatives, 88 + Invitations (_See_ "Engraved Invitation, The"); + for dinner and dance, 111; + entertainment at club, 111; + formal, 105-121; + informal, 74, 112; + of widower, 111, 113; + bachelor, 111, 113; + widower with daughters, 111; + to call, 93; + to "Bal Poudre," 112; + dancing or other parties, 109; + dinners, 109; + luncheons, 108; + receptions, 117, 120, 121; + "showers," 182; + visits, 158; + weddings, 114-117; + to meet a guest, 120, 146; + to meet a son, 113; + to mourners, 114 + Invitations, written, 110, 112; + acceptances of, 112; + replies to, 113 + + Jewelry, 12 + + Kant, 2 + + Letter writing, 52; + discretion in, 52, 53 + Letters: + Conclusion of, 66; + of classic literature, 53; + of condolence, 75, 76; + of Introduction, 70-72; + of recommendation, 73; + opening those of others, 24; + opening, in company, 29; + Salutation of, 66-68; + Signature of, 66-69; + to servants, 74; + to strangers, 74; + giving orders, 74 + Letter-heads, 56, 57 + Lifting the hat, 78, 81, 82, 83 + Linen, for dinner, 151; + trousseau, 189, 190 + Luncheon, 148, 149; + menu of, 148; + dress at, 12 + + Maid of honor, duties of, 197, 199 + Management of household, 22 + Mannerisms, 17 + Manners, 7 + Marriage, 20, 21; + ceremony, 197, 198; + certificate, 191; + customs, 203; + license, 190; + obligations of, 20-26 + Men's cards, 96; + club name on, 100; + form of, 96; + inscription on, 97; + omission of address, 100; + titles on, 97, 100, 101 + Monograms, 56 + Monopoly of conversation, 49; + in friendship, 43, 44 + Morals, 7 + Mourning, dress of, 227-229; + Etiquette of, 224-230; + periods of, 227; + stationery of, 228 + Music at a wedding, 197, 200, 202 + + Neatness, 14, 46, 129 + Neglect of family, 22, 25 + Nichols, Dr. T. L., 9, title-page + Non-acknowledgment of courtesies, 18 + Notes, apologetic 55; + congratulatory, 76; + requesting a favor, 55; + social, 57, 58; + sympathetic, 75, 76 + + Obligations of letters of introduction, 72 + Old English type, 106-108 + Openings, formal business, 165 + Out-door weddings, 212 + + Paper for correspondence, 55 + Parents: + consideration for, 217; + consulting, 174; + duties of, 169, 170; + negligence of, 173 + Party invitations, 109, 110, 112 + Penmanship of invitations, 110 + Personal Card, The, 96-105 + Personality, 6-19 + Picnics, 163, 161 + Place cards, 151, 152 + Plates, service of, 153 + Position, 10; + at table, 33 + Posture, 10, 28 + "P. p. c." cards, 99 + Presentation of letters of introduction, 72 + Presents: birthday, 41; + graduation, 42; + to the ill, 45; + wedding, 40, 210-212 + Press notices, of engagements, 179; + funerals, 224, 225 + Privacy, 24 + Professional cards, 100 + Proposal of marriage, 174-179; + by letter, 175; + decision of, 175; + spontaneity of, 176; + warding off, 175 + Public Behavior in, 122-136 + Public functions, 165-168 + Punctuality, 17, 32, 142, 149, 154; + at church, 125; + at funerals, 229; + for children, 217, 218 + + Receiving, at an afternoon tea, 147; + dancing party, 147; + débutante party, 147 + Reception, guest at, 137, 138 + Receptions, 137, 147; + business openings, 165; + college or school, 167; + club, 165 + Recommendation, letters of, 73 + Rehearsal for wedding, 191 + Rejection of proposals, 175 + Removing hats in public places, 18, 122 + Replies to business letters, 76; + friendly letters, 76; + letters of introduction, 72; + notes of invitation, 76 + Reply requests, 73 + Reverence, 125 + Riding dress, 128 + "R. s. v. p.," 113 + Rural festivities, 164 + + Sacrifices, 42, 45 + Salutations, 28; + of letters, 66-68 + Savings banks for children, 220 + School behavior, 218, 219 + Script type, 106-108 + Sealing Envelopes, 59 + Seating guests at table, 151, 165, 156 + Self-consciousness, 10 + Self-control, 8, 31, 215 + Send-off of bridal couple, 207 + Servants, 73, 144; + and children, 223; + in the country, 161 + Service of a dinner, 152-158 + Shaded Roman type, 106-108 + "Showers," Bridal, 181-183 + Signatures, 66-70 + Simplicity in the country, 161-164 + Sincerity, 7, 9 + Social introductions by correspondence, 70-72 + Social calls of men, 92-94 + Social life of the married, 24 + Speech, 7, 16 + Speeches, after-dinner, 166; + at wedding breakfast, 206 + Stamping Envelopes, 59 + Stationery for mourning, 57, 228 + Stock of invitations, 105, 106 + Strangers, addressing, 66, 67; + attitude toward, 122, 124, 130-132, 135 + Street etiquette, 129, 132, 133 + Sympathy cards, 120 + + Table etiquette, 33-40; + for children, 217 + Third-person letters, 74 + Time of wedding, 194 + Tips, 144 + Titles on cards, 97, 100, 101 + Training of servants, 46 + Traveling, 130, 131; + dress, 130; + expense, 131 + Trousseau, 187-190 + Type of invitations, 100-108 + + Unselfishness, 9 + Use of cards, 102-106 + Ushers, at wedding, duties of, 195-198, 201 + + Visits, 158-165; + being entertained, 142, 162, 164; + dress, 140; + entertainment, 158, 159, 163, 164; + length, 158; + prolonging, 142 + + Wardrobe of bride, 187-189; + of bridegroom, 186 + Wedding, anniversaries, 40, 41; + breakfast, 204-206; + cake, 206, 207; + fee, 208-210; + invitations, 114-119; + journey, 208; + preparation for, 185-193; + presents, 210-212; + reception, 205, 207; + ring, 191; + suit for bridegroom, 186, 187; + wardrobe of bride, 187-189 + Whispering, 29, 123 + Withdrawal from society during mourning, 224, 227, 228 + Writing on cards, 99 + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Obvious punctuation errors repaired. + +This text uses both out-door and outdoor. This was retained. + +Page viii, "Person" changed to "person" (Third-person Correspondence) + +Page 57, "Letter" changed to "letter" (Dead-Letter Office) + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY *** + +***** This file should be named 22417-8.txt or 22417-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/4/1/22417/ + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and Emmy + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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