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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Etiquette of To-day
+
+Author: Edith B. Ordway
+
+Release Date: August 27, 2007 [EBook #22417]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and Emmy
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+
+
+
+HANDBOOKS
+
+
+BY EDITH B. ORDWAY
+
+  The Handbook of Conundrums
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  The Handbook of Quotations
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  The Etiquette of To-day
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  Handbook of the Operas
+
+  New and Enlarged Edition
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.50 net
+  Full paste, grain leather            $3.00 net
+
+  Synonyms and Antonyms
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.50 net
+
+  GEORGE SULLY & COMPANY
+  NEW YORK
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+REVISED AND ENLARGED
+
+
+BY
+
+EDITH B. ORDWAY
+
+Author of "The Opera Book," etc.
+
+
+        NEW YORK
+        GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+        _Copyright, 1918_
+        BY SULLY AND KLEINTEICH
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+        _Revised Edition, Copyright, 1920_
+        BY GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
+        _All rights reserved_
+
+
+
+        PRINTED IN U. S. A.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+THE customs of social life need frequent restating and adaptation to
+new needs. They are customs because they are the best rules of conduct
+that have been garnered from the experiences of succeeding generations
+under common conditions.
+
+To know them, to catch their spirit, and to follow them in an
+intelligent way, without slavish punctiliousness but with careful
+observance, make one skillful in the art of social intercourse, and at
+home in any society.
+
+Etiquette will not take the place of character, nor of an accurate
+knowledge of human nature and the arts of practical life. Given these,
+however, it will unlock to any man or woman doors of success and
+profit and real happiness which, without it, would have remained
+forever closed.
+
+                                                           E. B. O.
+
+        "We feel 'at home' wherever we know how to conduct
+        ourselves."
+
+                                                T. L. NICHOLS
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+  CHAPTER                                                    PAGE
+
+     I. The Rewards of Etiquette                               1
+
+    II. Personality                                            6
+
+   III. Family Etiquette                                      20
+          Obligations of the Married                          20
+          General Rules of Conduct                            26
+          Table Etiquette                                     33
+          Anniversaries                                       40
+          The Giving of Presents                              41
+          Intimate Friends                                    42
+          Illness in the Home                                 44
+          Courtesy to Servants                                45
+
+    IV. Conversation and Correspondence                       48
+          The Art of Conversation                             48
+          Correspondence                                      52
+            Paper                                             55
+            Ink                                               58
+            Handwriting                                       58
+            Sealing, Stamping, and Directing of Envelopes     59
+            Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters  66
+            Letters of Introduction                           70
+            Letters of Recommendation                         73
+            Third-person Letters                              74
+            Informal Invitations and Announcements            74
+            Letters of Condolence                             75
+            Answering Letters                                 76
+
+     V. Casual Meetings and Calls                             78
+          Greetings and Recognitions                          78
+          Introductions                                       84
+          Calls                                               90
+          Social Calls of Men                                 92
+          First Calls                                         94
+
+    VI. The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation         96
+          Form of Card                                        96
+            Inscription                                       97
+            Titles                                           100
+            Use                                              102
+          The Engraved Invitation                            105
+            Dining and Party Invitations                     108
+            Wedding Invitations and Announcements            114
+            Various Announcement Cards                       119
+
+   VII. Behavior in Public                                   122
+
+  VIII. The Art of Being a Guest                             137
+
+    IX. Duties of Host and Hostess                           145
+          Breakfasts and Luncheons                           148
+          The Formal Dinner                                  149
+          Visits                                             158
+          Special Duties of the Country Hostess              161
+          Public Functions                                   165
+
+     X. Duties of the Chaperon                               169
+
+    XI. Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement                 174
+          The Proposal                                       174
+          Announcement of Engagement                         179
+          Bridal "Showers"                                   181
+          The Broken Engagement                              183
+          Preparation for a Wedding                          185
+
+   XII. The Conduct of a Wedding                             194
+          The Church Wedding                                 194
+          The Home Wedding                                   201
+          The Wedding Breakfast                              204
+          The Wedding Journey                                208
+          The Wedding Fee                                    208
+          Wedding Presents                                   210
+          The Country Wedding                                212
+
+  XIII. Etiquette for Children                               214
+
+   XIV. Etiquette of Mourning                                224
+
+    XV. Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette                  231
+          The Formal Military Wedding                        231
+          Naval and Yachting Usage                           232
+          Etiquette of the Flag                              233
+
+        INDEX                                                237
+
+
+        "THE secret of success in society is a certain
+        heartiness and sympathy. A man who is not happy in the
+        company cannot find any word in his memory that will
+        fit the occasion. All his information is a little
+        impertinent. A man who is happy there finds in every
+        turn of the conversation equally lucky occasions for
+        the introduction of that which he has to say. The
+        favorites of society, and what it calls _whole souls_,
+        are able men, and of more spirit than wit, who have no
+        uncomfortable egoism, but who exactly fill the hour
+        and the company, contented and contenting, at a
+        marriage or a funeral, a ball or a jury, a water party
+        or a shooting match."
+
+                                                  _Emerson._
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+THE REWARDS OF ETIQUETTE
+
+
+SOCIETY is a game which all men play. "Etiquette" is the name given
+the rules of the game. If you play it well, you win. If you play it
+ill, you lose. The prize is a certain sort of happiness without which
+no human being is ever quite satisfied.
+
+Because the demand for social happiness is thus fundamental in human
+nature, the game has to be played quite seriously. If played
+seriously, it is perforce successful, even when the outward signs of
+triumph are lacking. Played seriously, it becomes a worthy part of the
+great enterprise of noble living, the science of which is called
+"Ethics." Therefore the best etiquette is that which is based upon the
+fundamental principles of ethics.
+
+The etiquette, as well as the ethics, of to-day may well be summed up
+in the one maxim known as the "Golden Rule": "Do unto others as you
+would that others should do unto you." Or in the philosophic statement
+of it, given by Kant: "Act so that the maxim of thy conduct shall be
+fit to be universal law."
+
+A certain social sense is, therefore, the foundation upon which all
+concerted action rests; and this, permeating the character and winning
+conformity in the life, produces a social order which is at once the
+criterion of civilization and the source of its power.
+
+Every social code presupposes the trained personality, that is, the
+individual who is intelligent enough and controlled enough to conform
+to the rules prescribed for the good of all. It is only in the common
+good that true individual good can be found. Therefore is it so
+essential that every man regard his brother's welfare as anxiously as
+his own, and permit himself to be curbed in his extravagances, limited
+in the indulgence of even legitimate desires, in order that he may not
+defraud another, or menace the general well-being.
+
+Not only in social life, but in business, politics, and international
+relations, this principle of the common good as the ultimate goal, the
+supreme authority for conduct, holds good. To it society approaches,
+now by direct progress and now by seeming reaction, but ever with a
+higher evaluation of justice. This is shown in the fulfillment of both
+small and large obligations.
+
+Following the rules of courtesy, men give to each other that deference
+which each believes is his own due, and each receives in return
+twofold the deference that he sincerely gives. Men show, at home and
+abroad, the courtesy to women in general that they would wish shown to
+those of their family, and thereby the standard of respect for woman
+is so lifted that even the city street at night is a safe place for a
+woman to pass unaccosted, if it is necessary for her to go unattended.
+
+Rigidly do we hold ourselves to the established rules of good
+breeding, endeavoring to make of ourselves all that Nature will
+permit; and we are surprised to find that Nature's own gentlemen and
+gentlewomen gather about us, and rare souls look to us for
+companionship, as finding in us kindred spirits.
+
+No field so surely bears a like harvest as the one sown with the seeds
+of good-will and consideration for others.
+
+Etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we desire,--to make clear
+the path to the goal of high companionship with many worthy
+minds,--and enables us to get out of social intercourse the honey that
+is hidden there. Without it, as social beings, we should be as
+workmen without tools, architects without material, musicians without
+instruments.
+
+After all, however, etiquette is only a tool, and should never be
+mistaken for the finished work itself. How you carry yourself at a
+reception is not a matter of so great moment, as is the fact that you
+went, and there exchanged certain worth-while thoughts with certain
+people. It is the people, the thoughts they gave you and you gave
+them, and the practical influence on your life of those people and
+those thoughts, which are of moment.
+
+Just as, from a musicale, you must carry the music away in your soul,
+either in definite memories or in a refreshed and more joyous frame of
+mind, or it is of no avail that you attended, so from social
+intercourse it is absolutely necessary that you carry away the
+inspiration of meeting others and the thoughts that they have given
+you, and garner from those help and guidance in your life, or the most
+elaborate of toilets, the most perfect of manners, and the most
+ceremonious of customs are of little worth.
+
+The tool, however, becomes invaluable when the master desires to
+create. Therefore, if we wish to gain from social life the enjoyment
+and happiness and help which it should yield, we should become
+familiar with the practice of the best forms of etiquette, so that we
+shall have skill and aptitude in their application.
+
+The rewards of etiquette are, therefore, both spiritual and material.
+That fine poise of soul which restrains all selfish and unlovely
+tendencies, that clear insight which sees the individual as but a
+single unit in the composite of the human race, that high aspiration
+which culls only the best from the mingled elements of life,--all
+these come from a true and sincere adherence to the spirit of
+courteous observances, and each of these is its own reward.
+
+On the other hand, human hearts open only to gentle influences, and
+all that it is in the power of human beings to bestow upon one another
+comes most readily and most lavishly to those who outrage no social
+instinct. To be highly and sincerely honored socially means to be well
+loved, and that must mean to be lovable. Wealth and family position
+are matters of chance as far as the individual is concerned, but good
+breeding is a matter of personal desire and effort. It makes for power
+and influence, and often literally commands the wealth and position
+which the accident of birth has refused. It is the necessary colleague
+of intellectual ability in winning the farthest heights of success,
+and makes the plains of mediocre attainment habitable and pleasant.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+PERSONALITY
+
+
+THE social world is a world of personalities. Each individual has a
+value and importance according to the sum total of his
+characteristics, physical, mental, and moral. Other and more external
+facts enter into his social position, but in the circle of his friends
+and acquaintances, in whatever grade of society he may move, his place
+is determined by his personality. Personality alone is the final test
+of a man's worth to society.
+
+A man's worth to the business world as a doer, maker, or as any other
+executive, his worth to the state as an incorruptible official, his
+worth to his family as a devoted husband and father, his worth to
+literature or art as a thinker or maker,--these values are imprinted
+upon his personality, howbeit with almost imperceptible lines.
+
+If a man would present a pleasing personality as his claim for
+recognition in society, he must not neglect his mental attitude, his
+appearance, his manners, or his speech. They are all true expressions
+of his real self, and they, together with his deeds, are all that his
+fellow men have by which to appraise his real worth.
+
+Character is the foundation of all true courtesy, for manners are but
+minor morals, as many a writer has shown. It is not the part of a book
+on etiquette to tell how to keep out of prison, or to explain that one
+should be honorable and should do no murder. No book or person,
+however, can inculcate etiquette without showing that the roots of all
+true courtesy lie deep in the spirit of unselfish consideration for
+others. To master this spirit until it becomes one's own is the best
+fitting one can have for social achievement. Such consideration is the
+touchstone by which all social customs are tried, to see whether they
+be worthy of perpetuation or not. It is the sure test of correct
+conduct under all circumstances, and can be so utilized in case of
+doubt.
+
+A veneer of virtue long passes as currency in no society. It is
+necessary to have character in order to be respected. As etiquette is
+founded upon certain simple virtues, it is necessary, at least, to
+affect the semblance of them. To be long effective they must be
+sincere, as a little experience shows.
+
+Among the minor moral virtues which in social life are of major
+importance are those of self-control, sincerity, and unselfishness.
+
+There is no place for anger in social life. To give expression among a
+group of people to any strong feeling, no matter how justified it may
+be, is not courteous, because you may be inadvertently treading upon
+the beliefs or prejudices of some of your hearers. There are times
+when debate and the taking of sides on questions of common interest
+are in order, but that is not usually in the mixed society of men and
+women, who are supposedly dropping, for a time, the burdens of life
+for the sake of enjoyment and recreation.
+
+Self-control is necessary not only in the constant curbing of anger
+and the more violent emotions, but in pushing into the background
+one's personal desires in order that one may do one's social duty. A
+bridesmaid may have assumed the obligations of that honor, and then
+found that, for personal reasons, they were distasteful to her. She
+should not, however, permit herself to fail in one iota of her duty.
+The always-remembered disappointment of the bride, or bridegroom, if
+either bridesmaid or best man should fail, at a time when life should
+be as full of happiness as it possibly could, should more than offset
+the pain of even difficult control on the part of the chosen friend,
+in order to carry out his or her obligations satisfactorily.
+
+In thousands of minor circumstances the need of absolute self-command
+for the sake of social virtues is evident. The man and woman who can
+so control themselves, and think only of others, win warm places in
+the hearts of their friends.
+
+It is a dreary thing to be always sustaining a sham of any sort.
+Sincerity has its pleasure as well as its virtue. One should seek to
+be sincere, as perhaps no social virtue is of greater importance than
+this. The possibilities of development of character and of the
+betterment of social customs depend upon the exercise of this virtue.
+For that reason it is well to follow carefully the acknowledged rules
+of etiquette, in the hope and expectation of growing into the attitude
+of mind which will make them a natural expression of one's self.
+
+"The little observances of social life," says Dr. T. L. Nichols in his
+book on "Social Life," "are more important than many people think
+them. The outward signs or expressions of any sentiment not only
+manifest it to others, but help to keep it active in ourselves. This
+is the use of all ceremony and ritualism in religion . . . and the same
+principle governs all social ceremonies and observances."
+
+Without unselfishness and a fine consideration for others, the art of
+etiquette would be impossible. True etiquette learns no maxims to
+practise mechanically. Rather, it learns all the maxims upon which it
+may have to draw, and practises them only as the considerate heart
+sees an opportunity and desires to embrace it.
+
+Personal appearance is next to character in importance. The most
+important factors in this, with the average person, are not those that
+Nature alone is responsible for, but those that the individual himself
+is alone responsible for. Beauty is a pleasant thing, and not to be
+despised, although beauty alone is of little worth. The social
+conquests of history have not been confined to the possessors of
+beauty, and there have been many notable cases where decided plainness
+and even ugliness was the lot of one who nevertheless was a person of
+great charm.
+
+One's figure and bearing count perhaps for most, as they give the
+first and distant impression, and are, as it were, the outlines of the
+picture.
+
+Self-consciousness, for any reason and to even the slightest degree,
+is a great barrier to social intercourse and to mental freedom. It
+shows as often in a person's carriage as in his words or features. It
+should be broken down at all costs, and this can be done only by the
+person himself. It may be done, usually with comparative ease, by
+becoming and staying interested in something. Then awkwardness, and a
+defiant attitude of spirit and body, will vanish. Haughtiness is
+usually the outward sign of a great inner self-consciousness. All of
+these traits, as well as their opposites, stamp themselves upon the
+bearing of the body, and reveal there the clearest manifestations of
+character.
+
+Dress is almost as essential. By this is not meant a rigid adherence
+to fashion,--the stamp of a weak mind,--or even good taste, but an eye
+to the appropriate and fitting. First of all, dress should be
+subordinated to character, that is, it should be no more costly than
+the wearer can afford, and no more striking than modesty and good
+taste allow.
+
+Good taste in dress means plain and simple styles, but material as
+elegant, serviceable, and pleasing as one's purse permits. It means
+also a few things well chosen and kept in good order, rather than many
+things more or less untidy; that one's wardrobe will be
+harmonious,--not a cheap, shabby garment to-day, and an expensive,
+showy one to-morrow. It means also that the wardrobe throughout, not
+only the external garments, is equally well chosen and well cared for.
+
+One should not mix one's wardrobe. A coat of one suit and the skirt of
+another should not be worn together. A carriage parasol should not be
+used on a sunny promenade, nor an umbrella in a carriage, or open
+automobile.
+
+It is necessary to wear a dress appropriate to the occasion in order
+to be well dressed. No matter how excellent one's costume may be, if
+it does not suit the time and place it is absurd and incongruous. Some
+of the major rules for appropriate dress are as follows:
+
+Full evening dress demands one's most elaborate gown, made of silk,
+satin, velvet, lace, or crêpe-de-chine, as costly as one's purse
+permits, with décolleté effects, gained by either actual cut or the
+use of lace and chiffon. One should wear delicate shoes, white or
+light-colored gloves, and appropriate jewels, of which it is not good
+taste to have too lavish a display.
+
+As hostess at an afternoon reception or luncheon one may wear an
+elaborate gown of the richest materials, with either long sleeves and
+high neck, or elbow sleeves and slightly low neck. As guest one may
+wear a walking suit, with pretty blouse, white gloves, and decorative
+hat.
+
+The usual dress for a formal breakfast is much the same as for a
+luncheon,--a pretty afternoon street costume, with a dainty blouse,
+gloves, and "picture" hat, which is not removed. In summer, a gown of
+light material, such as organdie, muslin, or other soft goods, dainty
+and somewhat elaborate, is in good taste. Hat and gloves are
+invariably worn with this gown if the affair is ceremonious.
+
+For church wear, a quiet, rather simple street dress, which does not
+proclaim that either money or time has been spent upon it to any
+notable extent, is by far the most appropriate. The suit should be
+becoming but inconspicuous.
+
+Ball costume is conventionally gay and elaborate, the lightest of
+materials being used, especially by those who intend to take part in
+the dancing, and a dainty effect being sought. Any costly,
+rich-looking materials are used, and a wide range of fashion is
+permitted. The gown is cut short-sleeved and décolleté, and the
+dancing shoes are of satin or very fine kid. Jewels are worn but
+sparingly by young women in their first season in society. The costume
+of a débutante at her first ball is usually white.
+
+At an informal dinner, any pretty gown may be worn, with special
+attention to the coiffure.
+
+Black should never be worn at a wedding. If one does not care to lay
+it aside for the time being, one should not attend.
+
+For men, the proper costume for an early morning breakfast is the
+black cutaway coat with gray trousers, and other details as for a
+formal breakfast. In summer a gray morning suit with fancy waistcoat,
+or white flannels or linen, with appropriate hat, shoes, and tie, is
+permissible.
+
+At a formal breakfast men wear frock coats, fancy waistcoats, gray
+trousers, patent-leather shoes, large ties, high hats, and gray
+gloves.
+
+Afternoon dress for formal functions between noon and evening
+consists of a double-breasted black frock coat, or a black cutaway
+coat, with either light or dark waistcoat, gray trousers,
+patent-leather shoes, light four-in-hand tie, and light gloves.
+
+Evening dress is the correct attire for all occasions after six
+o'clock. It consists of a black suit,--coat cut "swallow-tail," and
+waistcoat cut low and in the shape of a "U,"--with white lawn tie,
+patent-leather pumps, black silk stockings, white gloves, and no
+jewelry but shirt studs, cuff links, and an inconspicuous watch fob. A
+black overcoat of some stylish cut and a silk hat or crush or opera
+hat is also worn.
+
+Full evening dress is a man's costume for a formal dinner. The Tuxedo
+or short dinner coat with a black tie is intended only for dinners
+where women are not present. Although its use on other occasions is
+common, it is not correct, and ill accords with the elaborate gown
+which is usually worn at the formal dinner.
+
+One should always have the appearance of being "well-groomed." It is a
+minor matter to add to habits of personal cleanliness, which every man
+and woman of refinement adheres to with scrupulous conscientiousness,
+that attention to the little details and finishing touches of
+dressing, which give the impression conveyed in that graphic
+expression "well-groomed." The niceties of life are always matters of
+small care but great moment.
+
+The aim to be beautiful is a legitimate one, and worthy of the
+attention of every lover of beauty. To make the most of one's self,
+both for one's own sake and that of those about one, is a duty. Much
+can be done if good taste is consulted, and one's salient good points
+studied and emphasized. One can at least dress characteristically, and
+so bring out the ideals to which one gives adherence.
+
+For instance, the business woman, in business hours, dresses with that
+same effort after efficiency and economy of time and strength that she
+has to put into her business to make it successful. She is, therefore,
+besides being scrupulously neat, perfectly plainly and yet durably and
+comfortably dressed. The sudden storm does not catch her unprepared,
+for she cannot afford to lose even an hour's work next day because she
+"caught cold." She permits no fussing with her garments, therefore
+they have to be in perfect working order, as fussing takes time, and
+time is money. Her hair is done neatly, and as becomingly as possible,
+but securely for the day.
+
+If, on the other hand, the business woman be a milliner, whose own
+artistic personality must be her best advertisement, she takes pains
+to dress artistically even though she wear less serviceable and more
+elaborate costumes. She should, however, give the same impression of
+neatness and businesslike serviceableness, with the additional
+artistic impression which is going to show her customer that she knows
+how to bring out the telling points in her own personality, and create
+a charming effect.
+
+The housewife needs, in her choice of morning garments, the same
+effectiveness as the business woman, for she must also work with real
+efficiency; but, in addition, she needs to give the impression of
+homelike abandon, as well as beauty and grace, which shall appear
+restful.
+
+The art of correct speech and intelligent conversation is one which
+every one who wishes to hold an envied place in society should
+possess. There is no more attractive accomplishment. Others have only
+a limited use and give only an occasional pleasure, while good
+conversation is appropriate to almost any occasion, and amuses and
+entertains when all other interests have palled.
+
+If one does not undertake to cultivate the art of conversation, one
+should at least be correct in speech. One should not permit slovenly
+expressions, or slang, or the thousand and one faults of
+mispronunciation and ungrammatical construction into which people
+fall, to be characteristic of one's speaking. For if one has time to
+go into society, one should have time and money enough to make one's
+self presentable mentally as well as physically, and nothing so
+clearly shows lack of intelligence and appreciation of the matters of
+the intellect, as carelessness and neglect of the words one uses and
+the thoughts one utters. No physical defect is more glaring than the
+mental defect revealed in every sentence of such a person.
+
+Mannerisms of speech or act are glaring flaws in the personality which
+would delight to charm, and successfully preclude the possibility of
+popularity among refined people. Many a man and woman of character
+have been barred from the pleasurable enjoyment of society, even by
+people of less character though of more surface refinement than
+themselves, because they lacked the intelligence and the good sense to
+abolish certain mannerisms of act or expression, which, though they
+may have had normal and logical causes, were not such as society could
+enjoy or approve, and would not tend to anything but harm if
+characteristic of many people.
+
+Certain rather glaring faults are quite conspicuous among all classes
+of women, for reasons which are hard to determine, but which must be
+general as the faults are so prevalent. Women, as a rule, do not
+respect an appointment and keep it punctually, interrupt conversation
+repeatedly and ruthlessly, keep visitors waiting by needless delays,
+and do not seem to notice or regret the sacrifice that some courtesy
+to them may have caused another.
+
+The arraignment of women for these faults is indeed serious, for
+social misdemeanors could not easily be much worse. It means that the
+deep heart-feeling of courtesy is quite lacking from certain classes
+of women,--classes not to be marked off distinctly from any grade of
+wealth or learning. If the ladies of a fashionable and progressive
+intellectual club will not, after two or three years of repeated
+requests, make it a habit, one and all, to remove their hats during a
+dinner and the subsequent speeches in a crowded and level-floored club
+dining-room, it is useless to look for any finer courtesy among the
+"cultured" than among the work-worn "laboring" classes.
+
+As a rule the women least at fault in these matters are the business
+women, a fact which would seem to prove that lack of business and
+professional training was in part responsible for the general apathy
+and indifference toward these matters of ordinary courtesy.
+
+Courtesy, like honesty, is the best policy in all our dealings with
+our fellow men. Therefore, we cannot afford to neglect to exercise it.
+
+Politeness and interest in others alike lead one to make those
+inquiries concerning friends and their families which show real
+concern in their welfare, and which are exceedingly gratifying to
+all. Often this kindly trait alone gives one a reputation for charm,
+although it has its disadvantages, to be sure, in its demands upon
+one's sympathy and patience.
+
+We each know that we are worth while. We should, therefore, treat
+others on that assumption, and thereby make them rise to their
+potential worth. The good that a person, who thus calls out the good
+within people, may do is limited only by his acquaintance.
+
+Personality is, after all, one's greatest asset in life. No thought or
+effort should be spared in making it pleasing and inspiring,--a fit
+expression of one's character and ideals, and a worthy gift to the
+world.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+FAMILY ETIQUETTE
+
+
+THE permanence of a courteous manner is the test of its sincerity. If
+one is polite invariably everywhere but at home, one's politeness is
+as superficial as a disguise, and as easily penetrated by the
+discerning.
+
+Unselfish consideration for others meets its sternest discipline in
+the home and in family relations, and becomes, under that discipline,
+a reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every emergency.
+
+Without manners at home, it is impossible to preserve the real
+nobility and unselfishness of character which make a man or a woman
+socially desirable.
+
+
+_Obligations of the Married_
+
+The marriage relation, while based upon certain fundamental
+principles, and not to be preserved without adherence to them, has
+some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness.
+
+The solemnization of marriage is a sacred ceremony and should be
+observed in a reverent spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for
+the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetuate that same spirit
+on the anniversaries of the day, will do much toward making it a holy
+and a happy union.
+
+Every marriage should be at least a perfect friendship; so a married
+couple should observe with each other the same little courtesies that
+they would observe if still only friends, being as deferential in
+greeting one another in public, as careful of each other's feelings,
+and as observant of each other's preferences.
+
+A woman should remember to accept from her husband, as her due and
+without surprise or awkwardness, the little attentions which she
+expects and receives in society. A man, also, should expect, and not
+be disappointed in receiving, the graceful little appreciations and
+courtesies which the woman of charm extends to the man of achievement
+in her social circle. The difference between the appreciations of
+society and those of the family is mainly that, in society, only the
+men of mark receive them, while, in the home, every man should receive
+his due; for there his efforts are known, even though they are not
+signal enough for society to recognize.
+
+As equality is the only basis upon which the authority of the home
+can happily rest, so a complete union of interests is the only basis
+for the successful financing of a home.
+
+While all the virtues of good management of her household, economy in
+the expenditure of money, taste in dressing herself and her children,
+and promptness and charm in fulfilling her social duties are expected
+of a wife, and should be fulfilled to the best of her ability, there
+are some minor things which make for happiness which should not be
+neglected.
+
+The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the
+charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily
+household quality rather than for use only on state occasions.
+
+The wife should confide in her husband on every matter of importance.
+She should not trouble him with trivial things, but, if a matter is of
+concern to her, she should not fail to let him know about it, and get
+his advice upon it. The cement of love is mutual confidence.
+
+If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, to be his companion,
+and to do her full duty by him, by her children, and by her home, she
+cannot fail, under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of
+winning happiness and making her husband happy. It is in the lack of
+desire to understand and love that the real menace to the happiness of
+the home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful people approach
+nearest the ideal of love.
+
+It is taken for granted that the husband will perform the major duties
+of his relation, such as being a good citizen, a good business man,
+and hence a good provider for his family, and that he will in all
+things seek the mutual happiness of his family and himself.
+
+He must be considerate to his wife if he would keep her love and
+respect. He should confide his business to her as far as she, in her
+inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should teach her the things
+about it which it is important for her to know. Through his
+conversation alone she can get the rudiments of a good business
+training, and she will at least be able to comprehend the changes he
+may make or the difficulties in which he may find himself, and, seeing
+their cause, thus be able to sympathize, and not to blame, if reverses
+come. He should so train her in business ways and methods that, in
+case of his death or disability, she could attend to the business of
+his estate, even though she could not, or need not, earn money for the
+family.
+
+The work of adjusting the labors of each to those of the other, so
+that there shall be time for recreation and social life together,
+should be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be dropped until
+solved to mutual satisfaction. If the members of the family cannot
+move in the same social circle, and together, a serious breach of
+family happiness is threatened.
+
+There is no marriage license which gives the right to constant harping
+upon one another's faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule
+of friendship should prevail.
+
+A husband should not open his wife's letters, nor should a wife her
+husband's.
+
+All invitations are sent to a husband and wife jointly, except those
+for such occasions as a stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to
+which ladies only are invited. If for any reason either the husband or
+the wife cannot attend a function, the other also must decline. The
+exceptions to this rule are those cases where a man or a woman of
+particular talent moves in a circle the interests of which are not
+especially enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or where the
+health of the one precludes the possibility of attendance upon affairs
+of which the other should not be deprived. Too long or too frequent
+use of the excuses which cover these exceptions, reflects seriously
+upon the marital happiness of the pair.
+
+Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not
+paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman
+out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man. Even at dances
+and balls it is not good form for them to dance together too
+frequently, except at public dances where they are two of a private
+party of four or six, in which case rotation of partners would bring
+them together more frequently than if a larger number of their
+personal friends were present.
+
+In America a wife never shares her husband's titles.
+
+Consultation and advice together on everything which concerns either
+is one of the privileges as well as the duties of marriage.
+
+To reproach for errors which were made with good motives and the best
+of judgment available at the time is always unjust.
+
+Always to greet and to part from each other with affection is the
+source of much happiness.
+
+Neither parent should be overambitious. Their personalities make the
+home, and if they are overworked and crowded with care, the home is
+not happy.
+
+The mother should always remember that home comes first, and should
+not absent herself from it save at those times and for that length of
+time when she is really not needed there.
+
+Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but
+each other, nor discuss each other with any other person.
+
+Companionship means the willingness to let one's own mood be dominated
+by another. Therefore, if they would be companionable, a husband and
+wife should meet each other's moods halfway. For what is lost
+personally now and then, far more of greater mutual value is obtained;
+and it is largely by a habit of companionableness that the happiness
+of the home can be made so satisfying that there can arise no question
+of its permanence.
+
+To keep one's self up to one's best standard of speech and conduct is
+necessary, for only thus can the family standard be kept high.
+
+An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins the comfort of all.
+Companionship and mutual authority and helpfulness are the only
+foundations for a happy home.
+
+
+_General Rules of Conduct_
+
+Seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you
+would be the same. Move in that society in whose ways you are versed
+and whose rules you practice, if you would be appreciated or met with
+like courtesy.
+
+Never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet. The
+kindness, however, must be genuine, and come from the heart, never in
+stereotyped and hollow phrases.
+
+The courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness
+in receiving them. Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower
+than did the person who showed the courtesy. Attentions should be
+warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort
+which does not forget.
+
+A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect
+that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them
+first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. She should not,
+however, let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an
+elderly relative.
+
+Enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a
+slight bow to the general company. "We all do stamp our value on
+ourselves" is true enough, and our private stamp is never more
+conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people. If we show
+modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is no one who
+will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was.
+
+The head should be well up, the body squarely erect, the chest out.
+Self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows
+the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to
+conceal. One should train one's self until the meeting of people, no
+matter who they may be, whether singly or in large numbers, is a
+matter of no particular concern as to deportment.
+
+Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close a door after you,
+without slamming.
+
+Never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return.
+
+Dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the
+company you are with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, nor
+with legs spread out, nor a lady with her legs crossed. Never put out
+your foot, in the street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may
+trouble others in passing by.
+
+When several people enter a room in a private house where you are
+sitting, always rise, especially if they are older than you. When an
+elderly person enters the room alone, it is always a graceful show of
+deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he
+is seated.
+
+The greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's
+household, and should not be omitted. The one who enters a room where
+others are assembled gives the salutation first.
+
+"Good morning" is the appropriate greeting till noon. "Good afternoon"
+and "Good evening" are the greetings for the later hours of the day.
+"Good-by" is, however, the common and most acceptable form of
+farewell. After an evening's entertainment, it is permissible also to
+say "Good night" instead. "Good day," "Good afternoon," and "Good
+evening," used in farewell, are provincial.
+
+"I beg pardon," spoken with an inquiring inflection, is much better
+than simply "What?" when you do not hear what is said. The abruptness
+of the latter savors of rudeness.
+
+Whispering is not permissible in company, and it is not necessary in
+private. Therefore, whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room
+or in church, where the whisper is far more penetrating than a low,
+distinct tone.
+
+The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate, for you attract the
+attention of two floors of people, as well as publish your message. To
+carry on a conversation over the banisters is also equally bad. Even a
+word of inquiry should usually be spoken at short distance in a hall
+which leads to several rooms, and where many people may hear or be
+disturbed by the noise. Such calling should never be permitted to
+servants or children, for once begun its convenience will demand its
+continuance.
+
+Interrupting another's conversation is a serious breach of courtesy.
+
+Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of home life, no matter how
+glaring the faults which may be criticised. Faults have to be
+remedied, but every effort should be made to do it skillfully, and
+not make the remedy worse than the disease.
+
+Do not open your letters in company, except in case of emergency, and
+in the latter, ask the permission of the company to do so. Never,
+under any circumstances, open a private letter addressed to another.
+If the one to whom it is addressed is near enough to give you
+permission to open it, he can usually open it himself; if he is not by
+to give permission, the letter should go to his legal representative,
+who then acts according to the law.
+
+Politeness as well as pity impel one to be especially polite to the
+caller or visitor who is uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By
+even an excess of hospitality one should try to make up for the
+inevitable slight which society always puts upon such a one.
+
+Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests. The close friend and
+the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal
+courtesy.
+
+The holding of a grudge, and the failing to forgive a slight for which
+apology has been made, are the height of discourtesy. It is invariably
+true that the same spirit with which you mete out social slights will
+be shown you in return. Resent each one, whether intentional or a mere
+oversight, and you will surely crush the spontaneity out of all
+attentions shown you, and be met only with distrust.
+
+When applied to for a favor, if you intend to grant it, grant it
+graciously and readily; if you intend to refuse, refuse with equal
+civility even though firmly. None but the unmannerly will urge a
+request when the slightest token of refusal has been given.
+
+A gentleman may offer personal service to a lady, if there is need,
+tying her shoe, or hooking or buttoning her dress, or doing any other
+little act which she cannot herself do.
+
+In a company of people, it is the height of rudeness to call attention
+to the form or features or dress of any one present.
+
+In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively. At the dining
+table it should be used very sparingly. Better retire than be
+obnoxious to even the most fastidious.
+
+Never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing,
+whether in the home, of in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else.
+
+Do not touch any one in order to arrest his attention, but address
+him.
+
+To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to
+stealing, unless one has permission of the owner to do so.
+
+Self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait. It
+always makes for comfort of one's self and of others, and often for
+safety.
+
+Do not pass between two persons who are talking together, if
+avoidable. If it is not, then apologize.
+
+Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy requires, no matter how
+unforgivable the offense, that an apology should be accepted.
+Friendship may not be restored, but friendly courtesy should always
+thereafter be maintained.
+
+Never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you.
+Forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend.
+
+Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every
+engagement.
+
+To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your
+own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very
+distasteful to others, who also have achieved.
+
+One's social obligations should never be neglected unless one is
+determined to drop out from one's place entirely. To acknowledge one
+invitation and not another is surely to be discredited with all.
+
+Never question a child or a servant upon family matters.
+
+Fulfill your promises,--or do not promise.
+
+Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as
+though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the
+burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous
+in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well
+to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but
+always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at
+them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This
+latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in
+case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within
+the range of their vision before speaking to them.
+
+
+_Table Etiquette_
+
+A man should not seat himself at the dinner table until his wife or
+his hostess is seated. This rule holds good in the home, for if it is
+not practised there, it will not be observed gracefully in society.
+
+Seat yourself not too close to nor too far from the table.
+
+Erect position at table is the first requisite. One should so place
+one's seat that correct position is possible, and then should keep it.
+
+Elbows should never be placed upon the table.
+
+The hands should be kept quietly in the lap while not busy with the
+food. One should sit quietly at the table, without handling the
+cutlery or making useless motions, while waiting to be served. If
+there is some form of grace said, or some simple ceremony preliminary
+to the meal, one should pay respectful attention silently.
+
+Do not seem impatient to be served. The meal is a social occasion and
+the food is an adjunct to friendly intercourse. The success of the
+meal depends equally perhaps upon the food and the conversation.
+Because of the interruptions of service, conversation cannot be long
+continued, or deeply thoughtful. It must be on subjects of no great
+moment nor grave interest, or on such subjects lightly touched; but it
+should be on bright, cheerful topics, and as witty as the talent of
+the company affords.
+
+Eating should be slow, and mastication of the food thorough, for
+reasons of health as well as for the sake of appearance. No meal can
+be eaten properly and adequately in less than thirty minutes, but more
+than an hour for a meal is sheer waste of both time and food, unless
+the company is large, the times of waiting between courses long, and
+the portions served very small.
+
+Eat silently. The noise of food being masticated is very distressing,
+and except in cases of crusts and crisp vegetables, perfectly
+unnecessary.
+
+The napkin is unfolded and spread over the lap. One is supposed to be
+skillful enough in raising food to the lips not to need the napkin in
+front of the dress or coat to prevent injury.
+
+In case you do not care for a course, you should not refuse it.
+Receive it, and take what part of it you desire, trying to take some;
+or, if you wish, leave it untouched, but do not have the appearance of
+being neglected or ill-provided for, even if you do not eat of it. A
+little more attention to conversation on your part may make
+unnoticeable to those about you the fact that you do not eat of a
+certain course.
+
+If your preference is consulted as to food, whether the matter be
+trivial to you or not, express some preference so that the one who is
+serving, and who has asked to be guided, may be so far assisted.
+
+Never place food or waste matter upon the tablecloth. An exception to
+this may be made in regard to hard breads and celery, when individual
+dishes for these are not furnished. Always use the side of some one of
+the dishes about you for chips and scraps.
+
+The fork is used in general except with semi-liquid sauces, where a
+spoon is of necessity used. It is not permissible to eat peas with a
+spoon.
+
+The mouth should be closed while it contains food. It should not be
+too full, as it is often necessary to reply to some question when
+there is food in the mouth.
+
+Do not leave the table until you have quite ceased chewing.
+
+Be dainty and skillful in using your napkin and cutlery, avoiding
+soiling the tablecloth.
+
+Discussions and unpleasant topics of conversation should never be
+introduced. One should regard not only one's own aversions but those
+of the others present.
+
+Never put your finger in your mouth at table, nor pick your teeth.
+
+Tidiness of personal appearance is never at a higher premium than at
+the dining table. Soiled hands, negligee dress, shirt sleeves, and
+disheveled hair are disgusting there.
+
+It is quite proper to take the last helping of any dish which may be
+passed you. To refrain looks as if you doubted the supply.
+
+Bread is not cut, but broken into fairly small pieces. One should
+never nibble from a large piece.
+
+It is permissible to eat crackers, olives, celery, radishes, salted
+nuts, crystallized fruits, corn on the cob, bonbons, and most raw
+fruits from the fingers. Apples, pears, and peaches are quartered,
+peeled, and then cut into small pieces. Cherries, plums, and grapes
+are eaten one by one, the stones being removed with the fingers and
+laid upon the plate.
+
+Cheese may be laid in small pieces on bread or crackers, and conveyed
+to the mouth in that way.
+
+Asparagus should be eaten with the fork, the part which is not readily
+broken off by it being left.
+
+At a formal meal a second helping of a dish is never offered, and
+should never be asked for; but at an informal dinner party it is not
+out of place to accept a second helping, if one is offered, but is
+complimentary to the hostess, who is responsible for the cook.
+
+In passing the plate for a second helping, the knife and fork should
+be laid across it full length,--not held in the hand until the plate
+returns.
+
+One may ask the waiter for a second or third glass of water, as even
+at a formal dinner that is always permissible.
+
+Lettuce, cress, and chicory are never cut with a knife, but rolled up
+on the fork and so conveyed to the mouth.
+
+Never leave the spoon in any cup while drinking from it. Liquid
+bouillon,--not jellied,--should be drunk from the bouillon cup.
+
+Spoons are used for grape fruit and oranges, when cut in halves and
+put upon a plate, for soft-boiled eggs, puddings, custards, and
+gelatins.
+
+With fruit, finger-bowls should always be passed. A bowl half-full of
+water is placed upon a plate covered with a doily. Unless the fruit is
+passed upon a second plate, the bowl and doily are removed from this
+and set at one side, the fruit being eaten from this plate. The
+fingers are then dipped, one hand at a time, into the water, and wiped
+upon the napkin.
+
+Salt should never be put upon the tablecloth, but always on the side
+of the plate, unless the individual salts are provided.
+
+Never spit out a prune, peach, or cherry stone.
+
+Never hold food on the fork while you are talking, ready as soon as
+you reach a period to be put into your mouth. Having once picked it
+up, eat it promptly.
+
+A bit of bread, but nothing else, may be used, if necessary, to help
+one put food upon the fork.
+
+If one tastes of something which one does not care to swallow, it may
+be removed from the mouth with the closed left hand and placed on the
+plate. This should be done silently and with as little attention as
+possible.
+
+Never take a chicken or chop bone in the fingers. Cut the meat from
+the bone, leaving all that does not readily separate.
+
+Bread and butter plates, with the butter spreader, are always used,
+except at formal dinners, when the dinner-roll is laid in the fold of
+the napkin.
+
+The knife is used only for cutting, and for spreading butter on bread
+in the absence of butter spreaders.
+
+Almost all foods are eaten with the fork, which should always be used
+in the right hand with the tines up. It may be held in the left hand,
+tines down, when one is cutting, the knife being in the right hand.
+
+The soup spoon is an almost circular and quite deep spoon. Therefore
+it is obvious that the soup should be noiselessly sipped from the
+side of it. When the oval dessert spoon is used for soup, it is
+especially necessary to sip the liquid from the side.
+
+Special spoon-shaped forks are provided for salads, ices, and creams,
+but for these spoons may always be substituted.
+
+No hot drink should be poured from the cup into the saucer to cool it.
+
+Toothpicks should not be passed at the table. They may be left on the
+sideboard, and if one is needed, it may be requested of the waiter or
+taken as you leave the room, but always used in private.
+
+Wherein elderly people do differently from the established ways of
+to-day, they are not to be criticised. Manners change even several
+times within a generation, and such may be simply following the
+customs they were taught. When the three-tined fork was the only one
+in common use, the blade of the knife was much more in requisition
+than now.
+
+On leaving the table the dishes of the last course should be left
+exactly as used, and the napkin left unfolded by the side of the
+plate. In case one is at home, or visiting a friend, and the napkins
+usually serve for two or three meals, then neatly fold it. Many
+families have clean napkins once a day, that is, at dinner.
+
+The chair should either be pushed quite back from the table, or close
+to it, so that others may easily pass by.
+
+If obliged to leave the table in the midst of a meal, one should
+address the hostess, saying, "Please excuse me," as he rises.
+
+
+_Anniversaries_
+
+The observance of family festivals is a great bond of union when there
+are different ages and temperaments and interests represented in the
+family circle. In the home holidays, all meet on a common ground, and
+get once more into touch with each other. Yet the observance of such
+festivals should never be more elaborate than the purse will justify,
+nor should it be allowed to become a burden upon any one, even the
+most willing. The festive spirit is lost if it becomes obligatory.
+
+The observance of wedding anniversaries is usually an honored custom
+in the case of happy marriages, where children grow up who take
+delight in making much of the days which are sacred to their parents.
+Where this observance is not a matter of form or done with any
+ulterior motive, but is spontaneous and joyous, it adds much to the
+family happiness and strengthens the bonds, not only between parents
+but between parents and children.
+
+It is customary to make gifts of the sort signified in the name of
+the anniversary, and much ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out
+the idea. The anniversaries are named as follows:
+
+At the end of the first year comes a cotton wedding; at the end of the
+second, a paper wedding; the third, a linen wedding; the fifth, a
+wooden; the tenth, a tin wedding; the fifteenth, a crystal; the
+twentieth, linen; the twenty-fifth, silver; the thirtieth, pearl;
+fortieth, ruby; fiftieth, a golden wedding; and the sixtieth, a
+diamond wedding.
+
+These anniversaries may be added to, as by celebrating a leather
+wedding the third year, instead of two of linen; a woolen one the
+seventh; and a china one the twelfth.
+
+A birthday anniversary is a momentous event in the life of a child.
+Disregard of it is a heart-breaking slight. The celebrations of these
+events, even in families where they are numerous and resources few,
+can be made joyous if there is love enough to do it, even without
+money.
+
+
+_The Giving of Presents_
+
+The members of a family who have each other's welfare at heart, often
+have the impulse to give each other something which they may know is
+needed or wanted. While this impulse should be cultivated even with
+the most limited means, and the sense of generosity preserved even
+among the poorest,--where, to be frank, it is more apt to be found
+than among the rich,--there should be no counting upon such presents,
+nor obligation to make them imposed. This destroys their value as
+expressions of affection, and makes the custom harmful. For that
+reason it is not well to adhere to times and seasons, but at any time
+when the right opportunity offers and the impulse moves, give the gift
+that one desires to give.
+
+Where such an impulse is characteristic of a family, the members will
+naturally take pride in expressing in that way their appreciation of
+individual achievement, as when a member graduates from a high school
+or college, or attains his majority, or makes some special advance in
+any way. The spirit which welcomes achievement and recognizes it,
+becomes an incentive, perhaps the strongest there is, and surely the
+most noble, that of satisfying and pleasing a loved one. Life holds
+too much of defeat for the average person, for its minor victories to
+be passed over in silence and indifference.
+
+
+_Intimate Friends_
+
+One's attitude toward intimate friends is either a pleasant memory or
+a sad revelation. If one holds them a little lower than one's family,
+and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort
+habitually given to those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes a
+privilege, no matter what the circumstances, and a lifelong
+gratification and pleasure. If, however, one considers that intimate
+friends are entitled to less courtesy than the public, and are to be
+made to serve one's purpose more effectually than mere acquaintances
+do, then the burden of friendship is great, and soon dropped.
+Affection is not mercenary.
+
+One word in regard to the single monopolizing friendship. Many a
+marriage has been wrecked, and many a mother's friendship turned away,
+because some one friend, of about one's own age and tastes, of
+pronounced influence and exorbitant demands, has usurped, at first
+perhaps unconsciously but ever surely, the place in one's life, and at
+last in one's heart, that some member of the family should have taken.
+
+Some people seem naturally predisposed to this sort of friendship, and
+as soon as the intellectual zest is gone from absorbing companionship
+with one person, they turn to another. One such instance showed
+through twenty years a series of such friendships on the part of a
+well-meaning but foolish woman, in which her husband figured briefly,
+passing on and off the stage as violently as, and even more speedily
+than, the other "friends."
+
+Too great familiarity with new acquaintances is impolite as well as
+unwise. It cannot fail of seeming forced, and even if the friendship
+is to be close and permanent, a hastily-laid foundation is never the
+most secure.
+
+One should never call a friend by his Christian name until he requests
+one to do so.
+
+
+_Illness in the Home_
+
+Illness means that the order of the home life must be seriously
+disturbed. Consideration for the one who is ill, and effort to
+alleviate the suffering, should take the place of every other thought
+and ambition. It is necessary, of course, that the routine of living
+should be sufficiently preserved for the health of the others not to
+be affected, but matters of comfort and well-being for all take
+precedence of everything else.
+
+The well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill, such
+as being quiet about the house; never complaining at late or simple
+meals; setting aside personal plans and comfort in order to assist, if
+needed, in the care of the ill; looking out for the relief and comfort
+of the nurse, upon whom the major part of the responsibility rests;
+never grudging time or money in the effort to restore health; and,
+above all, making these sacrifices in the spirit of love and not in
+that of martyrdom. Many people, who make even unreasonable sacrifices
+for others in times of emergency, do it so ungraciously, that one does
+not feel that they are entitled to the thanks which they still
+actually deserve and should receive.
+
+Courtesy demands that the claims of the nurse and doctor be settled
+promptly and generously. They were prompt in meeting the emergency.
+There should be no delay in acknowledging the obligation to them, even
+though their promptness is looked upon, by them and by society, as
+part of their professional duty.
+
+The convalescent takes such abnormally keen delight in being
+remembered, that it is obligatory upon the rest of his family and his
+friends not to forget him. Kindly messages should be frequent.
+Trifling gifts frequently are better than large gifts occasionally,
+unless the large gift is something greatly desired.
+
+One should never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room
+to an invalid, an elderly person, or a lady.
+
+
+_Courtesy to Servants_
+
+It is safe to predict that, if the acumen of the business man, and the
+courtesy of the social leader and woman of true refinement were
+brought to bear upon the servant problem, that would soon assume a
+different aspect.
+
+If the consideration that would be shown an ailing guest were shown an
+ailing servant, service would be more generously and more faithfully
+rendered.
+
+The waitress at the table is entitled to courtesy, but not to
+apologetic efforts to diminish her task. Appreciation may be shown in
+a "Thank you," or, "If you please," but such notice of her should be
+unobtrusively spoken, so as not to interfere with the general
+conversation about the table.
+
+The servant has every human right to civility, and the withholding of
+wages is no more culpable, if more illegal, than is the withholding of
+civil treatment, and the infliction of the indignity of impatience and
+harsh and unmerited reproof.
+
+All servants need careful training.
+
+Neatness is the first requisite. The lack of it most seriously
+reflects upon the management of the household.
+
+Servants should be trained to answer the door-bell promptly, reply
+civilly to questions, and in all things represent their master and
+mistress in a dignified and courteous way. They should not admit one
+person who calls socially, and deny another, unless under special and
+exceptional orders. They should not fail to deliver promptly all
+notes, messages, and cards which may be received. Verbal messages
+should be received and given with accuracy.
+
+The direct neglect of orders is unpardonable in an intelligent servant
+who has been well trained, and will not occur, even in the absence of
+the mistress, if the training has been explicit and complete and the
+servant is honorable,--as he should be in order to retain any
+position. A certain degree of initiative, too, should be cultivated in
+a servant who is given responsibility, so that he may meet an
+emergency with resourcefulness, in the absence of orders or specific
+instructions.
+
+The servant needs to respect his master and mistress. The firm,
+strong, honest, and just control is respected by servants, and is much
+preferred to the irresolute one, even when the latter overflows
+frequently in lax kindness. Each man needs to be made to do his duty,
+and the power that forces him to do it should be gracious but must be
+firm.
+
+To be familiar with servants is a fatal mistake, and eventually upsets
+and destroys all discipline.
+
+Servants should never be reproved in the presence of guests, or
+members of the family, or other servants, but should be talked with
+singly, and considerately, but plainly.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+CONVERSATION AND CORRESPONDENCE
+
+
+_The Art of Conversation_
+
+CONVERSATION is a game we all play, but most of us with ill success.
+We do not take pains to learn the rules, and we do not consider the
+honor of winning sufficiently great. It is, however, an accomplishment
+that all who will may possess, that consumes a great deal of the time
+of all of us, and that yields great pleasure and profit if skillfully
+used.
+
+The subject of conversation should be pertinent, and of interest to
+all, or at least the majority, of those in the group of talkers. The
+treasures of experience and of knowledge should be grouped about the
+topic, and every one who contributes should take care to proffer
+nothing that the conversation has not logically called forth. Then the
+pleasure and the success of the time thus spent is measured only by
+the wit and mental resources of the talkers.
+
+News which has a universal interest is always a legitimate subject of
+discussion. Personal news which has only the interest of gossip or
+scandal is never permitted among cultured people, no more than are
+physiological facts or the records of criminology. It is a safe rule
+to speak of things rather than of persons.
+
+The brilliant conversationalist never monopolizes the talk, as such a
+method would prevent his most telling points or his keenest wit from
+having dramatic expression. If he tells an anecdote which holds the
+attention of the table or of the circle of listeners, he permits his
+duller neighbor to tell the next, not only that his own wit may have a
+foil, but that his next anecdote may meet the sharp edge of whetted
+appetites.
+
+If dining out or being entertained, do not play the host or hostess by
+leading the conversation, even though your talent in that direction be
+far superior to theirs. You thereby do them an injustice which is
+exceedingly discourteous on the part of one who has accepted of
+hospitality.
+
+Never interrupt. It kills the expression of any thought to interrupt
+the speaker, and every person, no matter how badly he may express
+himself, has a right to the effort and to what he can win of the
+hearer's attention.
+
+To supply a word which seems to fail the speaker is perhaps a friendly
+service, if he be a foreigner, but should never be tendered to a
+countryman, nor often to even the most grateful wrestler with the
+English language. It confuses any one, and the only polite way is to
+wait quietly until the speaker collects himself and finds his words.
+
+Do not contend any point. Among intelligent people questions may be
+pleasantly and earnestly debated, arguments weighed and tested, and
+yet the conversation be absolutely courteous, although conviction be
+deep on both sides. The impossibility, among untrained people, of
+debate without great emotion is what retards the progress of the
+intellectual life in many circles.
+
+One should never answer questions in general company that have been
+put to another.
+
+One should not note the points of discrepancy in the remarks of
+another, or the points of divergence in opinion. In society the
+subjects of conversation are subordinated to the human interest of the
+gathering, and points of harmony and agreement should be emphasized,
+leaving all others unnoted. One does not need to conceal his opinions,
+but he should not arrogantly or dogmatically publish them. Not
+opinions but individuals are of greater interest at that time, and the
+battle of ideas should be fought in another arena.
+
+This is the only safe rule to follow in mixed companies, or with
+people imperfectly trained socially. With highly intelligent people
+of congenial tastes, people who have ideas and convictions of great
+worth, and who are controlled enough to express them without undue or
+foolish emotion, the battle of ideas is fought most effectively and
+most to the benefit of society, in the drawing-room of that host and
+hostess whose own talents make them able to draw talent about them.
+
+Here all the rules of polite society may be observed, and yet the
+inner convictions, whether political, religious, or moral, of the
+circle, may find welcome expression and fair hearing. The growth of
+ideas and the progress of ideals in such a society is rapid and along
+the right lines.
+
+Never try to have the last word, but always refrain from saying it.
+
+Do not enter into tête-à-tête conversation in the presence of others,
+or refer to any topic of conversation which is not of common interest
+and commonly known. Mysterious allusions or assumed understandings
+with one or two members of a group are insults to the others.
+
+Inquiries into private affairs should never be made, but those on the
+subjects of age and income are especially obnoxious, and merit for the
+inquirer the cool silence which they usually obtain.
+
+The loud-voiced, aggressive person, whose opinions are alone of vital
+moment in his estimation, and who will not yield a point in an
+argument, is much to be dreaded in any company, and effectually brings
+to an end any general conversation into which he intrudes.
+
+When addressing people face to face, it is necessary to give them
+their social or professional titles, if the latter be such as have
+influence on social rank, no matter if such titles are not inscribed
+on the visiting card of the person possessing them, or are purely
+honorary.
+
+It is not now customary to add "Madam," or "Sir," or the colloquial
+equivalent of the former,--"m'am" or "m'm,"--to "Yes" and "No," even
+by children.
+
+
+_Correspondence_
+
+Letter writing is a high art, and can give great pleasure to one's
+friends. It must not, however, be intemperately indulged in, either in
+frequency, length of letters, or freedom of expression. A timely note
+is a great binder of friendship, and may give comfort and satisfaction
+much greater than a longer letter at a less important moment.
+
+The danger of letter writing is that one is tempted to pour out one's
+inmost feelings with thoughtless abandon, and find later that the
+relative or friend to whom the letter was addressed was unworthy of
+the confidence, or, if not unworthy, was repelled by it, or
+indiscreet in guarding it. It is always wise for one to restrain his
+expression of himself, when writing or speaking, within the bounds of
+dignity and a self-respecting reserve.
+
+The classic letters of literature are usually those the fervor of
+expression and self-revelation of which gave them a strong human
+interest, but in the preservation and publication of which sacred
+confidence was violated. The average letter of the average man or
+woman is by no means a classic, or worthy of preservation. It should
+be destroyed when it has fulfilled the immediate purpose for which it
+was written. It may otherwise sometime be instrumental in bringing
+ridicule, if not shame, upon the unsuspecting writer.
+
+As letter writing is the most common form of composition, the general
+rules pertaining to that art should be observed in even the most
+informal of letters.
+
+All letters should be concise and definite. An involved style is a
+great waste of time and mental power, and has no advantage.
+
+A letter should be written on consecutive pages, unless it be very
+short, in which case it is preferable to use the first and third,
+rather than only the first and second, pages. It should never be
+written so that the sheet has to be turned around and the pages read
+at different angles. The turning over of the pages should be all that
+is necessary.
+
+If, however, social note paper is used for a short business letter to
+a business man, open the sheet out flat, turn it so that the left side
+becomes the top of the sheet, and use as you would a single large
+sheet of commercial paper. This enables the reader to see the whole
+matter at a glance.
+
+Do not scrawl your letter over the page; but do not, on the other
+hand, appear to economize in paper. Make the place and date lines
+clear and distinct. Set off the salutation from the body of the
+letter, and make the form of the letter upon the page artistic and
+concise. Paper is cheap, and the delight of receiving a letter well
+framed in even margins and written on regular, if invisible, lines is
+a pleasure easily afforded a friend.
+
+The letter should be begun about two inches down from the upper edge
+of the paper. The left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an
+inch, with paragraph indention an inch more. The lower margin also
+should be three-quarters of an inch, and the right margin should be
+kept even and, for best effect, almost as wide as the left margin.
+
+Do not run on the letter without paragraphing it, but place each
+subject in a paragraph by itself.
+
+A business letter should always go straight to the point.
+
+A note of apology should be direct, and say but the one thing which is
+its subject.
+
+A note asking a favor should do it simply and without unnecessary
+preamble. The sense of freedom or intimacy which permits one to ask a
+favor, should be great enough to obviate the necessity of long
+explanation, which seems like coaxing.
+
+The refusal of a request requires tact, and may necessitate less
+directness than courteous explanation: but it should not be so
+extended as to be apologetic.
+
+A letter of thanks is difficult, but too great effusiveness is as
+disgusting as too great abruptness is unsatisfactory. The elusive but
+happy medium is the work of the socially well-trained.
+
+
+_Paper_
+
+The grade of paper used is a matter of no small moment. Some people
+affect a fastidiousness in color and quality quite out of keeping with
+the purpose to which the paper is to be put. Others affect an opposite
+slovenliness, which shows equal disregard of use and effectiveness.
+
+A good quality of paper is essential to elegance. Plain white or cream
+white paper, unlined, with either rough or smooth finish, is always
+correct, and is the only kind for formal social correspondence. For
+more intimate letters ladies sometimes use a pale blue, delicate
+pearl-gray, light lavender or heliotrope, or a Colonial buff. There
+has lately been imported the style of an envelope with lining of
+another color and paper to match, in a variety of bright tints and
+striking designs. These styles, even in the daintier variations of
+them, appeal only to the younger members of the "smart set." Gentlemen
+never use any but white stationery.
+
+Correspondence cards are a great convenience for the very shortest of
+messages, where even the small note paper is too large. They are to
+social letter writing what the postal is in business. They, like the
+postal, should be used only for brief messages of no special
+importance, or for notifications.
+
+It is a matter of taste and of expense to have one's monogram or home
+address engraved at the top of choice note paper or letter paper. This
+may be in gilt, silver, or colors.
+
+The more common forms of heading are centered an inch below the top of
+the paper, but may be placed somewhat lower down, and to the right,
+leaving about three-quarters of an inch margin. In this case the date
+line follows. Engraved and embossed headings are the most elegant, and
+printed ones should be used only for business purposes. There can,
+however, be no objection to a very neatly printed small heading for
+personal business correspondence, if it is tastefully done in a quiet
+color. While it would not be acceptable for formal social
+correspondence, it does very well on more intimate letters and saves
+the necessity of writing each time the home address. It is best to use
+printed letterheads, rather than commit the blunder now so common,
+among those who do not habitually use engraved paper, of omitting the
+address from the letter. This, in case the letter is misdirected, and
+travels to the Dead-Letter Office, prevents effectually its
+restoration to the writer.
+
+The size of note paper suited to the letter to be written should be
+used. Do not start with a small note size, and run on over several
+sheets. The letter size should have been taken in the first place, as
+the note is only for such messages as are essentially short.
+
+The forms of heading which are permissible at the top of the personal
+letter paper are the following: a crest, monogram, or the separate
+initials; the name of the home if, as an estate, it has a special
+title; the name of the city and state; or the street address, with the
+name of the city and state beneath.
+
+When in mourning, it is customary to use a note paper and envelopes
+surrounded with a narrow black border. The border should not exceed
+three-eighths of an inch in width, and three-sixteenths of an inch
+during the period of half mourning. Sometimes only a black line with
+the monogram is used.
+
+Scented note paper is not in good taste, except perhaps that which has
+a very faint odor of violets or of orris root, or, in the Southland,
+of orange blossoms.
+
+
+_Ink_
+
+Colored inks are not liked or approved of by society. A good
+blue-black ink is the best for all writing.
+
+Pale inks, too faint to be easily seen, and too lacking in stock to
+last any length of time, are useless.
+
+
+_Handwriting_
+
+Illegibility in handwriting, or a stilted and difficult hand, is a
+great waste of time and energy, mainly the would-be reader's. There is
+no excuse, in these days of the typewriter and of common knowledge of
+stenography, for an illegible letter or manuscript, and the
+carelessness which writes too hurriedly to form the letters is
+excusable only in the gravest emergency and between intimate friends,
+where the inconvenience caused by it will be, for personal reasons,
+gladly forgiven. Some handwritings which are thoroughly legible are
+extremely tiring to the reader, and the simpler, less ornate hand is
+for every purpose preferable.
+
+The affectation of a handwriting which enables you to put but few
+words on a page, is absurd and vulgar in the extreme. Yet, on the
+other hand, a too delicate or minute hand is not desirable.
+Legibility, neatness, and clearness are the salient virtues of a
+letter.
+
+The use of the typewriter is confined to business. It is still very
+bad form to use it for personal letters; but should elegant script and
+small, clear forms of type, such as are furnished by one or two of the
+machines now on the market, be in common use, there is little doubt
+but what the speed of service and the advantages of clearness would
+bring the typewriter into use in intimate, and perhaps at last into
+more formal, social correspondence. The tendency seems to lie in that
+direction.
+
+
+_Sealing, Stamping, and Directing Envelopes_
+
+Neatness is especially necessary in the folding of letters, and in
+addressing, stamping, and sealing the envelopes. Haste and
+slovenliness here take away the suggestion of compliment in the
+courtesy of the note, and are as insulting as any rudeness of manner
+can well be.
+
+The fastidious and leisurely still seal their envelopes with wax,
+imprinting thus their monogram. The well-gummed envelope now in vogue
+makes this superfluous for the ordinary informal letter. Addresses
+should be written with an eye to legibility, and the stamp should be
+affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the envelope with care and
+neatness. Social invitations, although engraved and therefore
+containing no handwriting, should always be sent with letter postage.
+
+Letters should be plainly and completely addressed to insure their
+safe and prompt delivery.
+
+Persons who have a large business correspondence should use for it
+envelopes on which their name and post office address are printed in
+the upper left-hand corner. In social correspondence these should be
+clearly written or engraved upon the back of the envelope.
+
+Sometimes where a business firm is small or little known, it
+facilitates the delivery of a business letter to place the number of
+the office room in a building upon the envelope. Where, however, the
+firm is so large that probably the entire mail is carried from the
+post office in bags, or where a post office box is doubtless made use
+of instead of the carriers' delivery, even the street number is
+superfluous. Letters for departments should be so marked.
+
+If the city is one of the largest in the country, the name of the
+state is not added; as, New York City, Boston, Chicago, and
+Philadelphia would stand alone.
+
+Only a business letter should have the word "City" in place of the
+name of the city, and it is better to write the name, omitting, if you
+choose, the state. This is permissible only when the central post
+office is used, as the postmark of any suburban station might cause
+confusion, and railway post office clerks, especially, should not be
+expected to guess accurately the intents of a writer.
+
+When street addresses like "Broadway," "Park Row," "Aborn Drive," are
+written, it is superfluous to write "St." after them.
+
+The older form of writing an address was to end each line with a
+comma. The more recent style, and one coming into quite common use, is
+to omit the comma, using only such punctuation as the sense of the
+words within the line demands. Either way is permissible.
+
+Uniformity and concise clearness are characteristics of a well-written
+address. An address should be written as follows:
+
+        Mr. Frankel Banchman,
+         15 Westland Avenue,
+           Philadelphia,
+                Pa.
+
+If the directions are to be included, then the following arrangement
+is better:
+
+                Mrs. Arthur L. Casson,
+                    North Maplewood,
+                         Chestnut County,
+        Care of Mr. Hiram Casson.    N. Y.
+
+The sign of per cent is no longer used to signify "care of."
+
+A clergyman is addressed "The Reverend John L. Wrigley, D. D.," or,
+less correctly, "Rev. John L. Wrigley, D. D.," which may be transposed
+to "Rev. Dr. John L. Wrigley." The omission of the article before the
+word "Reverend" is quite common.
+
+A physician is properly addressed, "Algernon Brigham, M. D.," and the
+salutation is "Dear Dr. Brigham," or "Dear Doctor," if he is an
+intimate friend. A man having the title of Doctor with any other
+significance than that of Doctor of Medicine, is usually addressed
+"Dr. Frederic V. Harlan." A very formal way, however, would be to
+address such a one,--supposing each of the titles to be his,--as
+"Professor Frederic V. Harlan, Ph. D." For the letter, the salutations
+"Dear Professor Harlan" and "Dear Dr. Harlan" are equally correct.
+
+A letter to the President of the United States should be addressed
+simply with that title and with no further specification of name,
+whether it be official or social: as, "To the President of the United
+States, Executive Mansion, Washington, D. C." The salutation should be
+simply "Sir." The conclusion should be, "I have the honor to remain
+Your obedient servant." If a social letter it may be addressed either
+formally or "To the President of the United States, (Christian name
+and surname), Executive Mansion," etc. The salutation would then be
+"My dear Mr. President."
+
+The Vice President should be addressed officially in the same form;
+that is, "To the Vice President, Hon. Chester A. Arthur." He should be
+saluted, officially, "Mr. Vice President, Sir;" socially, "My dear Mr.
+Arthur."
+
+In addressing the governor of a state the superscription should be,
+"To His Excellency, The Governor of Massachusetts, State House,
+Boston." The salutation should be "Sir," if official, but "Dear
+Governor Barnard," if social. The conclusion of an official letter
+should read, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Excellency's most
+obedient servant."
+
+The mayor of a city is addressed, "To His Honor, The Mayor of
+Chicago." Within, he is saluted officially as "Your Honor," socially
+as "My dear Mayor Sewall."
+
+Ambassadors of any country, whatever their personal distinction, may
+be given the title of "Honorable," and their rank placed after the
+surname. As, "Honorable Whitelaw Reid, Ambassador to the Court of St.
+James." They may always be addressed as "Your Excellency."
+
+The members of the Cabinet of the President of the United States are
+always addressed as "Honorable," and the name of their department, or
+their title added: as, "The Honorable, The Secretary of State." To
+give the name would be superfluous, as in the case of the President.
+On formal invitations, however, when the Secretary and his wife are
+entertaining, the form is, "The Secretary of State and Mrs. Hay
+request the honor," etc.
+
+Invitations which come to one because of his official position are not
+intended for personal compliments, hence are addressed to the office,
+not to the man personally.
+
+An invitation from the President of the United States is equal to a
+command, and may not be declined. Other engagements must be broken for
+it, and only grave calamity or illness should excuse one, the excuse
+being frankly stated instead of mere formal expressions of regret.
+
+In ceremonious notes abbreviations should never be used.
+
+Should one address the ruler of England, the superscription would be,
+"His Majesty, The King, London." The salutation would be, "Sir;" the
+conclusion, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient
+servant."
+
+"His Grace the Duke of Fife" is the form of address for a Duke; "My
+Lord Duke" being the salutation, and "Your Grace's most obedient
+servant" the subscription.
+
+In writing to the Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, one should
+address the letter to "His Holiness, Pope ----, Rome." The salutation
+should be "Your Holiness," but the conclusion remains the same form as
+for other dignitaries. A Cardinal of the same church is addressed "To
+His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal (surname)," and greeted as
+"Your Eminence." Formality should be strictly observed.
+
+An Archbishop of the Church of England is addressed, "The Most
+Reverend (name) His Grace the Lord Archbishop of (name of bishopric)."
+The salutation is "My Lord Archbishop;" the subscription, "I have the
+honor to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's most humble
+servant." A Bishop is addressed "The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of
+(name of diocese)." He is saluted "My Lord Bishop."
+
+In the United States the Bishops of the Protestant Episcopal Church,
+who are not here Lords, are addressed, singly, as "The Right Reverend
+(Christian name and surname). D. D.," or "The Right Reverend Bishop
+of (name of diocese)." They are saluted, singly, "Most Reverend Sir."
+
+The word "To" may precede a formal or ceremonious address, adding to
+the formality.
+
+An envelope containing a letter or card of introduction should never
+be sealed, if presented in person by the party introduced. If,
+however, he should deliver it by messenger,--an exceptional procedure,
+and one not to be followed by a man except in unusual
+circumstances,--the envelope may be sealed.
+
+No letter sent through the kindness of a friend should ever be sealed.
+The envelope should bear, in the lower left-hand corner, the
+acknowledgment of the favor in words like "Kindness of Miss
+Hallowell."
+
+
+_Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters_
+
+A stranger should be saluted as follows: "Mr. Eugene Motley, My dear
+Sir;" "Mrs. Alonzo Parmenter, Dear Madam;" or "Eugene Motley, Esq., My
+dear Sir." These are forms slightly more formal than "My dear Mr.
+Motley," or "My dear Mrs. Parmenter," which in America are strangely
+considered more formal than "Dear Mr. Motley," or "Dear Mrs.
+Parmenter," although in England the reverse is true. Therefore, a mere
+acquaintance is addressed "My dear Mrs. Judson," while a friend is
+addressed "Dear Mr. Clark."
+
+A married woman signs her name, as "Ethel Husted," and then puts her
+formal name, "Mrs. Hollis Husted," in brackets a little to the left of
+and a little below the other.
+
+Never sign a title. The name only is your signature. It may be
+necessary to write the title in brackets and at the left, as "(Miss)"
+or "(Mrs.)," but it should never be part of the signature. Such notes
+as demand the use of the title are put in the third person.
+
+The date should be at the end of a social note, in the lower left-hand
+corner, and should be written out, with the name of the year omitted
+and no figures used. The grammatical form is "The ninth of December,"
+never "December the ninth," nor "December ninth."
+
+In business letters the salutation for a firm name is "Dear Sir," or
+"Gentlemen." Where two married women go into business together, there
+seems to be in English no combined title to take the place of the
+French, so that is generally used, and that is "Mesdames," abbreviated
+"Mmes." before their names.
+
+The formal conclusions of letters are: "Respectfully yours," used to a
+superior; "Sincerely yours," or "Truly yours," used largely in
+business, or the same forms with the adverb "Very" preceding them.
+Less formal terms are: "Cordially yours," "Fraternally yours," or the
+pronoun with any appropriate adverb which the originality of the
+writer may suggest. Less abrupt, but not less formal, endings are:
+"With best regards, I am," etc.; "With kindest regards, I remain,"
+etc.; "Believe me Very sincerely yours."
+
+For intimate letters either to relatives or friends no specified
+suggestions are needed. The ordinary form, "Your affectionate
+daughter," or "niece," etc., may, however, be employed, in dearth of
+special inspiration.
+
+Distinction is sometimes made between business and social letters by
+the position of "Yours,"--it being placed before the adverb in social
+correspondence, and after in business. The tone of the letter may be
+left to guide in this matter. There is an abruptness always somewhat
+unpleasant in the use of the adverb alone.
+
+Make the beginning and ending of a letter the same in degree of
+cordiality. Do not begin formally "My dear Madam," and end "Cordially
+yours."
+
+Every letter should be signed with the full name of the writer. A
+possible exception might be made of those addressed to members of
+one's own family, where the use of the Christian name only would mean
+no ambiguity, or where the signing of the surname gives a touch of
+formality. It is well, however, to remember that letters placed in
+the post take the chances of fortune, and, with the plainest of
+addresses, may, by the absence of the person or for some other cause,
+bring up in the Dead-Letter Office. Their resurrection there will
+depend upon their containing the full name of the sender as well as
+his address. If a letter is valuable enough to send, it is valuable
+enough to sign, even if the signature be double,--first the familiar
+or given name, and then, in the lower left-hand corner, the full name.
+
+It is well to use always the name which is your legal signature. This
+will prevent confusion, and forestall the possibility of your putting,
+from force of habit, the wrong form of your name upon a legal
+document.
+
+It is well to write one's name in full. Three complete names are none
+too many for individual distinction in so crowded a world as is ours.
+If, however, the middle one is represented by an initial only, always
+write it uniformly. It is better, if the form with initial only has
+not become really established, to use the full name, although it may
+be long.
+
+The form of one's signature and the style of the handwriting soon
+become habitual. Therefore, every effort should be made to make and
+keep it legible. An illegible signature is unpardonable,--save perhaps
+on a page at the top of which a printed or engraved letterhead gives
+the name in full. There is, however, the danger that the writer of the
+illegible signature will sometime sign his name on a legal document,
+or a sheet not bearing his letterhead, and the signature stand for
+nothing.
+
+
+_Letters of Introduction_
+
+A letter of introduction should never be requested. If it is offered
+it is a sign of great regard. If it is greatly desired, it might be
+well to acquaint the person, in whose power it is to offer it, with
+the circumstances and interests which make it desirable, but never to
+do more than this.
+
+The advisability of giving letters of introduction depends upon the
+circumstances. Between business acquaintances and for business
+purposes, it is a common form of establishing connection among various
+interests, and, if done with discrimination, is to be approved. It
+should, however, even in business be done sparingly, as it is a matter
+of personal friendship, usually, and as no one has a right to make
+numerous or exacting demands upon one's friends.
+
+Socially it is a matter of great delicacy, and should have even more
+restrictions put upon it than does the introduction in company. For
+the written introduction is used because distance prevents the
+personal one, and that usually throws the recipient of such a letter
+into the position of host to the traveler or newcomer, or at least of
+benefactor to some degree. It places upon him an obligation not
+involved in the verbal introduction, and the presumption is that he is
+to do some favor, or show some special attention.
+
+Letters of introduction may be explanatory or brief. Brevity is
+preferable, but circumstances must determine.
+
+A visiting card is often used with the words "Introducing Mr. Allan
+Golding to Mr. Morris," or similar form, written across the top. The
+card should be enclosed in a small envelope and left unsealed.
+
+A brief form of letter simply says: "Permit me to introduce to your
+favorable notice Mr. Silas Emerson."
+
+A more explicit form would be a letter the body of which would
+resemble the following:
+
+"The bearer, Mr. Mark W. Allen, who is an old friend and neighbor of
+mine, represents the Altmann Irrigation Company, and is desirous of
+obtaining information in regard to the system of waterways lately put
+into your county. Knowing your influential position in regard to all
+matters of public interest, I have sent him to you in the hope that
+you may be able to put him in touch with the people who will give him
+the desired information. Any favor that you may do Mr. Allen, or any
+courtesy that you may extend to him, will be deeply appreciated by
+me."
+
+A purely social letter of introduction would say in substance: "Mrs.
+Arthur L. Westmore, who presents this letter to you, is an intimate
+and cherished friend of mine, and one whom I know you would desire to
+meet. She is to spend some little time in your city, and any courtesy
+that you may do her I shall deeply appreciate. I have told her of our
+friendship, and she knows how highly I value you, and is eager to meet
+you."
+
+When a letter of introduction is given, it is well to write the
+receiver concerning the friend who will present it, that he may not be
+taken unawares, nor continue long ignorant of the claims of that
+friend upon him.
+
+A gentleman usually presents such a letter by calling in person and
+sending in the letter, together with one of his personal cards, by the
+servant who answers the bell, or by the office boy. A lady usually
+mails the letter and one of her cards giving her address. She should
+receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer of hospitality within a
+day or two.
+
+A person who makes use of a letter of introduction should acknowledge
+to the giver the courtesy he has received, with due gratitude.
+
+
+_Letters of Recommendation_
+
+Letters of recommendation should be sparingly given. It is becoming
+less and less important, in the minds of experienced employers, to
+demand references. The personality of the applicant counts, and the
+varying traits which different positions cultivate make the
+experiences of the past of but little guidance, save in a broad and
+general way.
+
+The giving of recommendations at random, "To whom it may concern," is
+also less done than formerly, as there is such uncertainty in regard
+to their use. Instead of this, the servant is told that she may use
+the former mistress's name as reference. The new, would-be employer
+then writes a note of inquiry to the former employer.
+
+In replying to such a note great conscientiousness should be shown.
+Full justice should be done the servant. Only the truth should be
+told, and as much of it as a generous heart and wise conscience,
+coupled with a sense of responsibility toward the inquirer, permit.
+These letters should be brief and not effusive on any point, nor
+evasive of the issue at stake.
+
+Never write to another, asking for information, or a favor of any
+kind, without enclosing a stamped and addressed envelope for reply.
+
+
+_Third-person Letters_
+
+Letters are written in the third person in answer to formal
+invitations so worded, and in correspondence between people but
+slightly acquainted or known to each other only by reputation, persons
+not social equals, and by tradespeople and their patrons.
+
+Great care should be taken to preserve the impersonal diction
+throughout the letter, and to refrain from signing it. The tone should
+always be formal and very polite.
+
+An order may take the form of a request, as "Will Mr. Sutherland
+please . . . and oblige," with the signature of the writer.
+
+
+_Informal Invitations and Announcements_
+
+In inviting a friend to visit you, it is customary to mention the
+length of the visit, setting a definite date for it and limit to it.
+This makes it possible for both hostess and guest to arrange other
+engagements.
+
+A time-table of the trains, if the guest comes from the distance, with
+an account of the trolley lines, if from near at hand, should be
+enclosed.
+
+The engagement of a daughter may be announced by informal notes to
+one's whole circle of friends and acquaintances. The following form
+of note may serve as a suggestion: "I am sure that you will join our
+household in sympathy with Eleanor in her happiness when I tell you
+that she has just announced her engagement to Mr. Harold Farnham, a
+man of whom her father and I thoroughly approve. The wedding will not
+take place for some months, but felicitations are in order."
+
+
+_Letters of Condolence_
+
+A letter of condolence should be short and quite sincere, or else the
+courteous custom of sending it is more honored in the breach than in
+the observance.
+
+Such letters should be sent very promptly.
+
+To expatiate to any extent whatever upon the bereavement is heartless
+or thoughtless, and as there is no danger of ambiguity, the letter
+does not need to account for itself in any way.
+
+The following letter is as explicit as any letter of condolence need
+ever be, and the second form is preferable, unless great intimacy
+makes the less abrupt one permissible.
+
+        "DEAR MR. LEGROW:
+
+        I have read of your bereavement with the deepest
+        sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I sympathize with
+        you and your children, or how my heart aches for you
+        in your loneliness. May you have strength and grace
+        to bear up under the great loss you have sustained.
+
+                               Sincerely yours,
+                                        MARGARET EDELSTONE."
+
+
+        "DEAR MRS. HILCOX:
+              You have my deepest sympathy.
+                        Ever cordially yours,
+                                  MILDRED HASSELTINE."
+
+
+_Answering Letters_
+
+Business letters should be answered by return mail, as should also all
+invitations to dinner or luncheon.
+
+All invitations should be answered within a day if possible, because
+delay looks like a reluctance to accept. They should certainly be
+answered, either personally or by letter, within a week after the
+invitation is received.
+
+Friendly letters should have such promptness of response as
+circumstances and the intimacy of the friendship demand.
+
+Notes of congratulation and felicitation should be sent promptly after
+receiving the card or note announcement of an engagement or a birth,
+and in the latter case at least, should be followed by a call.
+
+A personal visiting card, with the words "Thank you for sympathy"
+written over the name, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of
+condolence. To very intimate friends, however, the spontaneous note of
+thanks would be more courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such a
+time, to attend to matters of social intercourse, the sending of the
+card is always permissible, and can occasion no offense, even if the
+more intimate acknowledgment was hoped for.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS
+
+_Greetings and Recognitions_
+
+
+THE bow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the
+United States to-day. The bow varies from a very slight inclination of
+the head, as one gentleman passes another, or from the quick touching
+of the hat with the hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military
+salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of
+European ceremonial courtesy.
+
+The usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders, with the eyes
+kept on those of the person greeted, the hat being removed from the
+head and held in the right hand during the bow,--which is at once
+brief, deferential, and dignified. It may be accompanied by the
+handshake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand.
+
+The degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous, determined
+by the deference felt, or the emotions which the meeting may summon.
+It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn or real disdain, for they
+are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose, or in
+the carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement of an eyelash, and
+usually nobody is deceived.
+
+The correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near
+together, the legs straight, and the entire body inclined from the
+hips. This is somewhat too extreme for common use, and should be
+modified always in public, the less elaborate bow being much
+preferable upon the street or in public places.
+
+A woman bows more erectly than a man does, and gives perhaps as
+cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting,
+which should always be characteristic, and never mechanical, or in
+imitation of others, whose natural traits may be far different,
+however admirable she may consider their style to be. It is only when
+she meets some one her senior, or in much more important social
+position, or one whom she specially delights to honor, that she
+elaborates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion
+admit of the formality.
+
+A lady should be straightforward in her greeting, never condescending
+to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow.
+She should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting
+another, and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of
+such a meeting.
+
+The handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally
+from the elbow and clasping, between the closed four fingers and thumb
+of the hand, the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand, then
+quietly shaking it. This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped
+hands,--not the elbow,--to the height of the shoulders, and there
+mildly shaking them, or clasping them with a slight pressure and
+letting them drop,--styles savoring of affectation. The impulse
+prompting the handshake,--that of getting together in intimate
+personal greeting,--is accomplished when the clasp is ended, and
+vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special pressure, or continued
+holding of the hand, are all alike unpardonable.
+
+The bow is the least sign of recognition, and may mean little or much,
+but its significance is known only to the two concerned. While it is
+permissible in public places to make its cordiality, or lack of it,
+apparent, it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private
+social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial
+courtesy.
+
+The bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance. It may mean
+only a casual knowledge of one another's existence, due to some brief
+coming together. Intentionally to neglect to bow, after a bowing
+acquaintance has once been established, is an open affront, and
+denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. The dropping of an
+acquaintance by refusal to recognize, may, in our complicated social
+system, sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified by the
+necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more
+flagrant social abuses.
+
+It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man whom she knows, to bow
+first. Indeed, the man always waits for her to do so, unless he is a
+very intimate friend. A woman should always be sure, before bowing to
+a man, that she knows him and that she has caught his eye.
+
+When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he lifts his hat when she
+bows to an acquaintance, even if the person is not known to him. So,
+also, when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows, who is in the
+company of a lady, he lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he
+meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes his hat.
+
+When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one
+only, it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she
+requests him to replace it. This is done with social superiors and
+to show great respect, being more ceremonial than finds common
+acceptance among Americans.
+
+When he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady, he also lifts his hat.
+It is proper for him to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a
+lady, even though a total stranger, and upon leaving a lady with whom
+he or a person accompanying him has been talking.
+
+It is well to return a bow which is directed to you, even if you do
+not know the one bowing. This often saves considerable embarrassment
+to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else.
+
+When passing before ladies seated in a lecture hall, or concert, a
+gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them.
+
+In passing or repassing on the street or promenade, a single bow is
+sufficient recognition, even though you may meet an acquaintance
+several times.
+
+A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes hands with the stranger with
+the same cordiality as with the friend.
+
+A gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in
+hand-shaking. If a lady offers her hand, however, it would be very
+rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy.
+
+Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, but have not
+been introduced, are under no obligation to bow when they meet
+elsewhere afterward, and usually do not.
+
+When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in the corridor of a hotel,
+in the elevator of a private apartment house, or in the public rooms
+of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger.
+
+This rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of
+office buildings, with the exception, perhaps, of banks and such
+offices as people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness of courtesy
+has made men feel that, as women are winning an equality of position
+in the business field, a delicate way of recognizing that equality is
+by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the
+social attentions. Another marked expression of this is in the fact
+that a business man, when walking on the street with a business woman,
+does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in
+order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk.
+
+An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, social and business, is
+often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife
+of one of the men present, enters an office where there are both men
+and women of equal business importance and social rank. There is an
+elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who is in private life,
+which would not be paid, and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if
+paid, to the business woman, even though she were at once the active
+vice president of the corporation and wife of the president.
+
+
+_Introductions_
+
+The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs. Allen, may I present Mr.
+Brown?" Or, "Mrs. Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs.
+Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." Where, however, the
+permission need not be suggested, and the relative standing of the
+people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs. Gleason, Mr. Ansel."
+
+When it is necessary to introduce one person to several, the form is,
+"Mrs. Gladstone, I want you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, Mr.
+Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one introduced simply repeats each
+name and smiles as she greets each in turn.
+
+Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom, I want you to know my
+friend, Mr. Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because of its
+definiteness.
+
+The response to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or, "I
+am very glad to meet you."
+
+If one does not catch the name of the person introduced, it is proper
+to ask it, saying, "Pardon me, but I did not understand the name."
+
+Introductions should always be spoken distinctly, especially the
+names. If, in introducing, one can add a sentence which will give a
+subject of conversation, the preliminaries of acquaintance may be
+speedily passed, and memorable information and real profit be gleaned
+from even a casual meeting.
+
+It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch
+and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction,
+and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his
+favor.
+
+Persons who have not been introduced are not considered acquainted.
+The exceptions to this rule are the guests under a common roof, while
+they are there.
+
+Introductions should never be indiscriminately made. There should be
+willingness, if not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A hostess
+is, however, warranted in introducing two people who she knows will be
+congenial, or if they have before expressed a desire to become
+acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the introduction will be
+received by either, they should not be introduced.
+
+One should never introduce two acquaintances who reside in the same
+town but move in different social circles, unless each had desired the
+introduction.
+
+If there is a difference of station or age, then it is necessary only
+to ask the older or more prominent person whether the introduction
+would be acceptable. This should be done quietly, and quite out of
+hearing or knowledge of the other person concerned.
+
+A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for an introduction to a lady
+whom he wishes to meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the
+mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman until he has made
+sure that the lady is willing.
+
+It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one another indiscriminately,
+nor should ladies be so introduced. One wishes to keep the boundaries
+of one's acquaintance within certain definite limits, and choice is
+easier made before acquaintance than after. So, one shows great care
+in offering introductions to others, and exercises the same care for
+one's self.
+
+If a hostess and her guest are out walking together, the hostess would
+introduce to her guest every friend who happened to stop and speak
+with her, and the guest, should she meet acquaintances of her own,
+would introduce each of them to her hostess. This is practically the
+only case where indiscriminate introducing is good form, and here the
+obligations of hospitality safeguard it.
+
+A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman who has been introduced
+to her, but a bow, a smile, and a repetition of the name are all that
+is necessary where several introductions are being made, as at a
+large reception or dancing party.
+
+A gentleman always offers his hand to another gentleman on being
+introduced.
+
+An elderly lady may offer her hand in all introductions with perfect
+propriety.
+
+If, while walking out with a friend, you meet another, do not
+introduce the two. A transient meeting is of no particular moment to
+them, and their friendship or acquaintance with you is not necessarily
+of strong enough interest to make them desire acquaintance. If,
+however, you meet at some public place, and are detained there
+together for several minutes, then the introduction should be given.
+
+When meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance, friends may
+introduce friends, but it is preferable to leave the introductions to
+the hostess.
+
+It is no longer necessary to introduce each guest to everybody else at
+a party. Introductions are made as opportunity or necessity may
+dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and wholesale introductions
+relieves two very embarrassing situations,--that of being introduced
+by announcement to a whole roomful of people, and that of being taken
+around and introduced to them singly.
+
+A mother may present her son, or a sister her brother, or a wife her
+husband, if she so desires, without any question as to the propriety
+of it. A man should not, on the other hand, introduce another man to
+his wife, or a son or brother make a presentation of a man to his
+mother or sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance could not but
+be agreeable to the lady, and unless it meets with his own approval.
+For it is a man's place always to safeguard a woman against
+undesirable acquaintances.
+
+A woman, in introducing her husband, gives him his title, if he has
+one, as "Judge Hartwell," "Doctor Foley." The wife of the President of
+the United States speaks of him only as "The President," and in
+presenting people to him, he is always addressed as "Mr. President,"
+with the invariable omission of his surname.
+
+A friend or acquaintance, no matter how distinguished, is always
+presented to one's father or mother or one's intimate relative, where
+the intimacy of the relation makes an honor more distinguishing, in
+the mind of the introducer, than any of reputation or position.
+
+A young man should be introduced to an older man, a young woman to an
+older woman.
+
+A man is always presented to a woman, never the reverse.
+
+If a lady is seated and a man is presented to her, she need not rise.
+If two ladies, both seated, are introduced to each other, they should
+rise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which case both remain
+seated. Two gentlemen, though both are seated, rise and shake hands
+when introduced.
+
+A young lady always rises when an elderly person is introduced.
+
+Introductions are not made at table. The guests at a dinner party
+should be presented to one another in the drawing-room before coming
+to the table, and if that is impossible, as many should be introduced
+as may be, especially those who are to sit beside or near or opposite
+each other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he has not met, the
+man takes the initiative in speaking a few words as soon as he takes
+his seat, to which the lady responds always cordially, keeping up more
+or less of a conversation during the dinner.
+
+At dancing parties all those who are giving the party, as well as all
+the ushers and those who receive, make introductions as general as
+possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the guests during the
+evening.
+
+An introduction at a dance carries with it the obligation on the part
+of the man to ask the woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his
+request unless her card is full.
+
+When traveling great care should be taken as to introductions.
+
+As a guest one should be ready and willing to meet any one whom his
+host or hostess may introduce, even though it be an enemy. The
+obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more heavily than in this
+matter. They demand that impartial courtesy should be shown to every
+one.
+
+
+_Calls_
+
+Calls must be made in person, rather than by card left by messenger or
+post, after an invitation to dinner, luncheon, supper, or similar
+function, and that within a week or, at farthest, two weeks of the
+date of the affair. One should also call in person within two weeks of
+any entertainment to which one has been asked, especially if one has
+attended.
+
+One need repay formal calls, where no invitation to any social
+occasion has been received, only once a year. Even in this case, cards
+may be sent by mail. In the country it is usual to go in person,
+though one does not ask if the lady of the house is at home.
+
+Calls should be made upon the "At Home" day, if one is engraved upon
+the card. If a person is ill, a near relative, or intimate friend, may
+leave a card for her at the house of the friend upon whom she wished
+to call.
+
+Society holds young people who are free to attend parties and
+entertainments under stern obligation to pay their social calls.
+Young mothers, professional women, students, invalids, and
+semi-invalids are not expected to conform rigidly to the same rules.
+If a young woman can go to a party to amuse herself, she must call
+afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the invitation.
+
+If a mother cannot call in person, her daughter or some one else may
+pay the necessary calls in her stead. Or she may invite the people
+whom she would otherwise call on, to an afternoon tea, which is more
+of a compliment than a call.
+
+In calling at a house, should the door be opened by a member of the
+family, the caller does not present her card to the lady or gentleman,
+but steps in, asking for the person whom she wants to see. She may
+leave her card unobtrusively on the table when she goes out.
+
+If a maid opens the door, the card is handed to her and received on a
+small tray. No well-trained maid ever extends her hand to receive a
+visiting card.
+
+If a caller wishes to be very formal, she leaves a card for every lady
+in the family on whom she wishes to call.
+
+In the beginning of the season a wife always leaves her husband's card
+with her own, and she usually does this also when making a call at the
+close of the season.
+
+An unmarried woman calling on a married friend leaves only one card.
+If the friend has daughters or is entertaining a guest, a card may be
+left for each.
+
+A lady always rises to receive a visitor.
+
+It takes good judgment to know when to go, but it should be cultivated
+and practised. Lingering in taking one's leave is a great weariness,
+to one's hostess if not to one's self.
+
+After a birth calls are made upon the mother after the child is a
+month old.
+
+After a death the friends of the family should call in person inside
+of a month. The members of the family do not receive them, however,
+unless they wish to do so.
+
+
+_Social Calls of Men_
+
+A man never carries or leaves the cards of other men, nor can he leave
+cards for any of the women of his family.
+
+A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon at home leaves in the card
+tray, on entering the house, a card for his hostess and one for his
+host. The card for his host must be left, even if that gentleman does
+not appear in the drawing-room, provided the caller is acquainted with
+him, and providing he is calling in acknowledgment of some hospitality
+recently received.
+
+If there is a host, hostess, and young lady daughter in the house,
+and the caller is a friend of the latter, he leaves three cards.
+
+The man who is making his first or last call for the season on the
+regular afternoon at home, leaves one card for each of the ladies, and
+each one of the men of the household whose acquaintance he can claim.
+
+When a man calls on a lady's day at home, and his call has no
+reference to any social debts, he leaves only one card in the tray. If
+he is somewhat intimate in the house where the call is paid, he leaves
+no card at all.
+
+A man does not call upon a woman unless she invites him, or some
+member of her family does, or he goes with a mutual friend who has
+made sure of his welcome. A woman may say to a man, "Mother and I are
+usually at home Fridays, and would like to have you call," or some
+other form of invitation which denotes cordiality.
+
+A man who desires to call in particular upon one lady, in a family
+where there are several, hands his card to the servant with the words,
+"Please give this to Miss Curley, and I would like to see all the
+other ladies also." The ladies appear and greet him, withdrawing that
+he may call upon the one he especially wished to see.
+
+If calling upon a guest in a home, you always ask for the hostess
+also.
+
+A man retains his hat, gloves, and walking stick in hand during a
+formal call, though he may have left his overcoat in the hall.
+
+
+_First Calls_
+
+In America it is the usual custom for residents of the city or town to
+call first upon newcomers. Washington is a well-known exception to
+this rule, as strangers there call first upon government officials and
+their families. In most European cities newcomers call first upon
+those already in residence. The residents, from the officials down,
+return their cards, and the visitor or newcomer receives invitations
+to social functions.
+
+In practice the resident does not usually know anything about the
+stranger, and may not have even heard of her arrival. Sometimes the
+newcomer sends out cards for several days in a month, to those with
+whom she would like to become acquainted. If she can enclose the card
+of a mutual friend, as a silent voucher for her social standing, her
+position is more quickly and more surely granted her.
+
+Clergymen and their families, brides, and persons of note are entitled
+to receive first calls. The older residents of the community are
+expected to lead in the list of callers who welcome the newcomers.
+
+First calls should be promptly returned, within a week at the very
+latest.
+
+A married woman making a first call upon a married friend sends one of
+her own and two of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+THE PERSONAL CARD AND THE ENGRAVED INVITATION
+
+
+_Form of Card_
+
+A MAN'S card is usually one and a half by three inches in size, and
+made of fairly stiff bristol board. A woman's card is usually about
+two and three-sixteenths by three inches, and made of dull-finish,
+fine, medium-weight bristol board.
+
+The color of cards is a fine pearl white. Cream or tinted cards are
+never in good form.
+
+The engraving varies from plain script to elaborate Old English text,
+or shaded Roman type, according to the fashion. The engraver may be
+trusted to know the style and stock most in use.
+
+The card of an unmarried lady should be somewhat smaller than that of
+the married. This distinction is made, however, only in case of the
+card of the débutante.
+
+
+_Inscription_
+
+If there is room across the card the full name should be engraved. If
+the names are too long, only the initials of given names should be
+used.
+
+All inscriptions on one card should be in the same style of type.
+
+"Mr." is prefixed, unless there is a special title, such as,
+"Reverend," "Doctor," "Colonel," etc. If a man should, in an
+emergency, write his own name on a card, he would not prefix the
+"Mr.," or any other title. The name should be written in full and
+should be an autograph.
+
+A married lady should have her husband's full name, or such form or
+parts of it as he uses, with the title "Mrs.," and not her own name.
+
+A young woman has the title "Miss" engraved before her name, even
+though she be only a schoolgirl.
+
+A young man has no title at all on his card, but simply his full name.
+
+The newly married couple use a card with the title of "Mr. and Mrs."
+for the first year after marriage, in returning their ceremonious
+calls after the wedding, and paying formal calls when the husband is
+unable to accompany the wife. These cards should have the address in
+the lower right-hand corner, and the reception day or days in the
+lower left. After the first year they are seldom used in paying calls,
+but can be used for condolence, congratulation, or farewell where both
+husband and wife desire to be formally represented.
+
+A woman who is personally distinguished, who occupies a high social
+position, or whose husband stands at the head of his family, may have
+only "Mrs. Barnaby," not "Mrs. John Barnaby," upon her cards. It is
+better, however, not to do so unless one has the indisputable right to
+be considered as _the_ Mrs. Barnaby of the locality. It is customary
+for the wife of the oldest brother of the oldest branch of the family
+alone to have the privilege of this form.
+
+The same rule of precedence applies to single women. The oldest
+unmarried daughter of the oldest brother, and she alone, has the right
+to use "Miss Campbell" on her card, although she may have a cousin who
+is much older than herself, but who is the daughter of a younger
+brother of the same family.
+
+A widow has no cards during her year of mourning, as she makes no
+formal visits. After that, cards with black border to any depth
+desired may be used.
+
+A widow has no legal right to retain her husband's Christian name, but
+she often prefers to do so, and it is entirely proper, the question
+being one of sentiment alone. In case there is a married son of the
+same name as the father, then it is proper for the mother to put "Sr."
+for Senior, at the end of her name, should she desire still to retain
+her husband's Christian name.
+
+In such a case widows occasionally prefer to use their own names or
+initials.
+
+In this country a married woman merges her name with that of her
+husband. It is not uncommon nowadays for married women to sign their
+own Christian name, their maiden surname, and their husband's surname
+as their signature. There is value in this as it preserves the family
+identity of the married woman, but the question of its legality may
+always be raised.
+
+The name of daughter or daughters is often engraved below that of the
+mother on her card, before the young woman enters formally into
+society. The form "The Misses Smith" may be used, or the names given
+separately. In New York in some circles the débutante is not given a
+separate card until she has been in society a year. As American
+schoolgirls often have a card with the prefix "Miss," the débutante
+may use this among her girl friends.
+
+To write anything on an engraved card except "Condolences,"
+"Congratulations," "_P. p. c._," is not considered good style,
+although a lady may use her visiting card with "Five o'clock tea,"
+"Music," or a special date written upon it as an informal invitation
+to a musical or "At Home."
+
+A business or professional woman may have, in addition to her society
+card, a card with her own name for business purposes. This usually has
+a word or two denoting her profession in the lower left-hand corner,
+and her business address in the lower right.
+
+A lady's card should always contain her home address in the lower
+right-hand corner. Her afternoon "At Home" is usually given in the
+lower left.
+
+The address is often omitted from cards for men, being engraved on
+those of the women of the family. Men belonging to a fashionable or
+well-known club put its name, instead of their residence, on their
+cards. This is especially the case when they do not live at home. If
+living at a club, the address is put on the lower left-hand corner; if
+living at home, the lower right-hand corner.
+
+On a man's business cards the title "Mr." is omitted, the name of his
+firm, their business, and address, being engraved in the lower
+left-hand corner.
+
+
+_Titles_
+
+Titles which signify permanent rank, or profession that lasts for
+life, and which are allied to a man's identity or distinctly bear
+upon his social standing, should be used.
+
+Temporary titles, which have no special social rank or bearing, or
+professional titles, such as "Esquire" for lawyers, which have no
+social significance, are not used.
+
+For the same reason that temporary or technical titles are not used,
+honorary titles are omitted. There should be no pretense in regard to
+social position, as pretense is easy and futile. A man appears in
+society simply as an ordinary individual, to win favor and position by
+force of his personality, or to lose it thereby.
+
+An army or a naval officer, a physician, a judge, or a clergyman may
+use his title on his card, as, for instance, "Captain James Smith,"
+"Judge Henry Gray," "Rev. Thomas Jones, D. D." The card of an
+Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court at Washington
+reads "Mr. Justice Holmes." Military or complimentary titles are not
+used, nor are coats of arms. In this republican country it is
+considered an affectation and bad taste so to make use of them.
+Political and judicial titles are also omitted, as are academic
+titles, such as Chancellor, Dean, and Professor.
+
+No title below the rank of Captain is used on the card in military
+circles. A lieutenant's card would give his full name with the prefix
+"Mr." and below it the words, "Lieutenant of Fifth Cavalry, United
+States Army," or simply, "United States Coast Guard Service."
+
+
+_Use_
+
+The etiquette of the visiting card is a fluctuating one. It cannot be
+laid down for all time, or even for next season.
+
+On entering at a reception, or afternoon tea, one leaves a card in the
+salver offered by the butler or attendant who opens the door, or upon
+the hall table, as a reminder to the hostess, who can hardly be
+expected to remember, if entertaining a large number, every one who
+has been there.
+
+One does not leave cards at a wedding reception, however.
+
+At an afternoon tea, it is no longer necessary to leave a card apiece
+from all the members of the invited families to all the members of the
+family of the hostess and her guests also. The single card for the
+host and hostess is all that is required.
+
+Should one be invited to a series of receptions, one leaves cards only
+once although one may attend twice. Leaving cards in person after a
+tea or reception is good form only for ceremonious affairs. After the
+usual private reception one should certainly call.
+
+If only one member of a family can attend a reception to which the
+others have been invited, she may leave the cards of the others,
+together with her own, with perfect propriety.
+
+Also when one is not able to attend a reception or an afternoon tea,
+cards may be sent by mail, although it is better to send them by
+messenger, to arrive on the day of the entertainment. One should call
+within a fortnight.
+
+It is not now considered necessary to call in person where formerly it
+was so held. The sending of the personal card often takes the place of
+the call. Nor need this be done by messenger. Cards for any purpose
+may now be sent by mail.
+
+After removing from one part of the city to another, it is customary
+for ladies to send engraved cards with their new address and with
+their reception day to all of their circle of acquaintances.
+
+A woman who is stopping for a brief time in a city where she has
+friends, sends to them her card containing her temporary address and
+the length of her stay, as "Here until June second," or "Here until
+Sunday."
+
+A man, however, calls upon his friends, and if they are absent leaves
+his card giving the same information.
+
+If a son old enough to go into society wishes to do so, his card is
+left with his father's and mother's at the beginning of the season.
+He will then be invited to the functions given by the friends of his
+parents.
+
+When there is illness or mourning in the household, friends leave
+their cards with the words "To inquire," "Sincere condolence," or
+"Sympathy" written upon them.
+
+The card which accompanies wedding gifts should be the joint card of
+"Mr. and Mrs.," if the gift is sent jointly, and may well have the
+words "Best wishes and congratulations," written upon it.
+
+The initials "_P. p. c._," meaning "_Pour prendre congé_," or "To take
+leave," are written upon one's personal cards, which are then sent out
+to one's friends when one is going away from a place either
+permanently or for a long time. They are usually written in the lower
+left-hand corner of the card. These cards may be sent by post, when
+the person leaving town has not the time to make a personal visit.
+They are not used when leaving town for the summer.
+
+It is quite proper to send or leave "_P. p. c._" cards when one goes
+away from a summer resort, especially if the people to whom they are
+sent do not live during the year in the same town or city with the
+sender.
+
+It is no longer permissible to fold over the ends of a card, to
+signify that it was intended for all the members of the family.
+
+The birth of a child may be announced by a small card containing the
+full name of the child daintily engraved, with the date of the birth
+in the lower left-hand corner. The card is tied to the mother's card
+by white ribbon, and both are enclosed in one envelope and sent by
+post.
+
+Visiting cards for those who are in mourning are the same size as the
+ordinary card. The width of the black border is regulated by the
+degree of the relationship to the deceased.
+
+
+_The Engraved Invitation_
+
+A fine grade of heavy, unglazed, pure white paper, suède finish, in
+double sheet folded to a size about five by seven and a half inches,
+or less, inserted in an envelope of the same width but half the
+length, is used for the billet on which wedding invitations and
+announcements are engraved. The impress of the plate demarks a margin
+of about an inch.
+
+A heavy or medium grade of white bristol board is used for invitations
+to "At Homes," dinner, receptions, dances, and all like social
+functions for which the common visiting card is not used. The size
+used varies with the number of words in the invitation, and may be
+quite large, as for a club or society reception, or formal openings or
+special occasions where a business corporation is the host. These
+cards have the same plate margin as the wedding invitation, although
+it is much narrower. Only the most formal invitations have space left
+for the writing in of the name of the guest.
+
+The billet, however, has certain advantages, especially where the
+occasion is very formal and select, and the information which should
+be furnished the guest is considerable. Elegance of this sort is now
+very costly.
+
+Several styles of type are in use: namely, the script having close
+round letters, and being as nearly black as Roman or Old English when
+engraved; a script lighter and more cursive; an Old English lettering;
+a shaded Roman letter, which is constantly growing in popularity;
+shaded Caxton; solid and shaded French script; and a plain Roman block
+letter.
+
+The script is the type most commonly used, both because of its beauty
+and legibility, and because of the comparative inexpensiveness of
+engraving, the cost being about half of that of either the Old English
+or the shaded Roman type.
+
+It is obvious that the size of page in this book will not permit
+facsimile reproductions of specimens of invitations and other social
+forms, which in nearly every case require a different proportion of
+space than the page offers. Therefore, to reproduce the style of
+lettering used for these forms has not been attempted. The examples
+present correct wording and proportionate arrangement.
+
+The following plates, which are exact photographs of steel and copper
+engraving, present several styles of script, Old English, and shaded
+and plain Roman faces, but do not represent more than a few sizes, and
+those the most common.
+
+[Illustration: Type styles and sizes for invitations]
+
+        _at the Church of the Messiah_
+
+        _Two Dancing Parties_
+
+        _request the pleasure of_
+
+        _At Home_                 _At Home_
+
+        =announce the marriage of=
+
+        =BROOKLINE,                    MASSACHUSETTS=
+
+        =First Unitarian Church=
+
+        =request the honour of your presence=
+
+        _=Mr. and Mrs.=_              _=New Hampshire=_
+
+        =ANNOUNCE THE MARRIAGE OF=
+
+        =Mr. and Mrs.=
+
+                        =at Emmanuel Church=
+
+        =at Warren, Pennsylvania=
+
+        _=Mrs. William Howell Meade=_
+
+        _Mrs. William Howell Meade_
+
+        =Mrs. William Howell Meade=
+
+        =MRS. WILLIAM HOWELL MEADE=
+
+
+_Dining and Party Invitations_
+
+The engraved card invitation for a luncheon is usually worded as
+follows:
+
+            _Mrs. Everetts S. Sinclair
+        requests the pleasure of your company
+                  at Luncheon
+          on Tuesday, February nineteenth
+                at one o'clock
+                 Hotel Willard_
+
+The dinner invitation is identical, except that for "Luncheon" is
+substituted "Dinner," and the hour is usually half after seven or
+eight o'clock. To this, or to any other dining invitation, may be
+added in the lower left-hand corner the words "Please reply," or, "The
+favor of a reply is requested."
+
+The party invitation may take either of the two following forms:
+
+              _Mrs. Harold Harmon Williams
+           requests the pleasure of your company
+             at a dancing party to be given
+               at the Glendale Country Club
+        Wednesday evening, December the twenty-ninth
+             from eight until eleven o'clock_
+
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Fairfield Watson
+              request the pleasure of_
+
+              _company at The Somerset Club
+        on the evening of Friday the ninth of February
+               from nine until one o'clock
+        Dancing and Bridge     95 Jackson Boulevard_
+
+The blank invitation is very convenient, as it may be sent out at
+short notice, and is definite and personal. The following is a form
+which lends itself to any one of the usual kinds of home
+entertainment:
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. St. John Ambrose Lockwood
+        request the pleasure of_
+
+        ........................................
+
+        _company at_............................
+
+             _on_............................
+
+          _at_................................
+
+                                _97 Washington Avenue_
+
+When, on an engraved invitation of any sort, be it wedding or dinner
+or any other, a blank line or lines are left for the insertion of the
+name of the guest, there is danger that, unless this is done with
+great care and by an able penman, the beauty of the invitation be
+ruined, and therefore its cost thrown away. For that reason a wholly
+engraved invitation is perhaps better, unless the work of addressing
+them and inserting the name is to be done by a professional penman. Of
+course, when this is done and well done, there is a personal touch, a
+suggestion of individual welcome, which can be gained in no other way,
+and which the wholly engraved invitation lacks.
+
+When an entertainment is given by a family at some place other than
+their home, the invitations have the name of the place and the street
+address put in at the usual place on the invitation, and then in the
+lower right-hand corner the words "Please reply," with the home
+address.
+
+A bachelor or widower uses his name alone at the top of the
+invitation. He will, of course, provide a chaperon, who in many
+respects takes the place of a hostess and so acts, but her name does
+not appear upon his invitation, unless she be his sister or near
+relative. The invitation then becomes a joint one, after the usual
+form.
+
+A widower with daughters may send out invitations headed in either of
+the following forms:
+
+          _Mr. John Marquand_
+            _Miss Marquand_
+        _Miss Estelle Marquand_
+
+or
+
+         _Mr. John Marquand_
+        _The Misses Marquand_
+
+For a dinner followed by a dance there are two invitations, the one a
+dinner invitation at an early hour for the favored few, the other a
+dancing party invitation at a later hour.
+
+Clubs have blanks which may be filled in by their members when they
+wish to entertain. These are issued in the club name, and are like any
+other private invitation, except that at the bottom and to the left
+"Compliments of" is engraved, and the name of the member who is
+special host is written in.
+
+Invitations containing the words "_Bal Poudre_" signify that the
+entertainment is a masquerade or fancy dress party, and the guests are
+expected to come in fancy costume with powdered hair.
+
+The word "ball" is used of an elaborate formal dance, usually a public
+one given by some club or for charity, and rarely of a private dance.
+
+In spite of the predominance of the engraved invitation for the most
+formal affairs, still small dinners, and even receptions and dancing
+parties, are sometimes announced by the handwritten invitations. The
+form should be the same as the engraved one, although to very intimate
+friends it should be changed to a friendly note.
+
+Acceptances are in the form of the invitation. If that is an informal
+note, the acceptance or regret is sent in the same style. If the
+invitation is formal, the reply also should be written in the third
+person and be about as follows:
+
+             _Mr. and Mrs. Allston B. Sinclair
+        accept with pleasure the kind invitation of
+          Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Emanuel Farrington
+                     for dinner
+           on Thursday, the ninth of December
+             at half after eight o'clock_
+
+The reply to an invitation should be sent to the person or persons who
+issued it, never to any other member of the family, although such a
+one may be better known.
+
+To write the word "Regrets" on one's visiting card and send it in
+declination of any invitation is bad form, even if the invitation come
+in similar shape. One should always write a note of regret.
+
+Bachelors and widowers, who entertain at their apartments or studio or
+club, and army and navy officers never use the words "At Home," but
+always "request the pleasure (or honour) of your presence."
+
+If one is entertaining a guest and an invitation is received, one may
+with propriety ask the hostess for an invitation for one's guest, if
+the form of entertainment is so general as to make this right and
+reasonable; otherwise one must decline the invitation. It would not be
+right to ask for another dinner invitation, or one to a select group
+of people, where the guest would be an intruder.
+
+It is preferable and a much later form to use the words "Please
+reply," or "An early reply is requested," rather than the abbreviation
+"_R. s. v. p._" for "_Rèpondez, s'il vous plaît_," meaning "Reply, if
+you please."
+
+If a son should return from college or other absence, and the parents
+wish to entertain for him, their invitations would have at the bottom
+the word "For" followed by his name.
+
+In sending out invitations, one should be sent to the father and
+mother jointly, one to each son separately, and one to the daughters
+jointly, the latter being addressed "The Misses Estabrook."
+
+Invitations should be sent to people in mourning, although they are
+not expected to accept. They should not be slighted or forgotten
+during such a period.
+
+
+_Wedding Invitations and Announcements_
+
+The following are the usual forms of wording for the wedding
+invitation:
+
+         _Mr. and Mrs. Reinhard Ernst Ormond_
+        _request the honour of your presence_
+         _at the marriage of their daughter_
+                      _Eida_
+                       _to_
+                 _Dr. Otto Bertelli_
+          _on Wednesday, the first of April_
+            _nineteen hundred and thirteen_
+                 _at twelve o'clock_
+                _Church of the Messiah_
+                 _St. Louis, Missouri_
+
+
+               _Mr. Arnold Hamilton Forsyth_
+           _requests the pleasure of your company_
+          _at the marriage reception of his daughter_
+                        _Margaret_
+                          _and_
+                    _Mr. Walter Mallory_
+        _on the evening of Wednesday, the twenty-ninth_
+                        _of June_
+            _one thousand nine hundred and twelve_
+                _from eight until ten o'clock_
+                      _17 Elm Hill Avenue_
+                   _Philadelphia, Pennsylvania_
+        _R. s. v. p._
+
+
+            _Dr. and Mrs. Maurice Howe Cavanaugh_
+                   _request the honour of_
+
+        _presence at the marriage of their daughter_
+                     _Rebecca Falmouth_
+                           _to_
+               _Mr. Charles Hunnewell Clark_
+               _on Monday, the ninth of July_
+                     _at eight o'clock_
+                 _Church of the Redeemer_
+                       _Washington_
+
+The usual form of marriage announcement is as follows:
+
+           _Mr. and Mrs. William T. Kimball_
+        _announce the marriage of their daughter_
+                  _Dorothy Lucinda_
+                          _to_
+                 _Mr. LeRoy L. Hallock_
+        _on Wednesday, the first day of December_
+          _one thousand nine hundred and twelve_
+                   _Chicago, Illinois_
+
+
+             _Mr. Arthur Edmand Sawyer_
+                      _and_
+           _Miss Emma Pauline Farrington_
+            _announce their marriage_
+         _on Sunday the sixteenth of July_
+        _one thousand nine hundred and ten_
+             _at Boston, Massachusetts_
+
+The "At Home" card of the bridal couple, which goes with a wedding
+invitation, does not have the name of the couple upon it, but reads
+simply
+
+                _At Home_
+        _after the first of November_
+          _1219 Pennsylvania Avenue_
+               _Washington_
+
+When an "At Home" card is included in a wedding _announcement_,
+however, the name of the couple appears upon it, as follows:
+
+              _Mr. and Mrs. Albion Frederick Marston_
+
+            _Will be at home_           _763 Chapel Avenue_
+        _after the first of August_         _Toronto_
+
+For the card of invitation to the wedding reception the wording is as
+follows:
+
+                  _Reception_
+        _immediately after the ceremony_
+              _Eight Salem Street_
+
+or
+
+                 _Reception_
+        _immediately after the ceremony_
+            _in the church parlors_
+
+In the case of a church wedding, it is always well to enclose with the
+invitation a small card reading: "Please present this card at the
+church on August the third."
+
+In case the wedding takes place in the country and invitations are
+sent to many friends in the city, a card giving directions as to what
+train to take, and where, which is to be presented to the conductor
+instead of a ticket, and which entitles the possessor to special
+accommodations, is enclosed with the invitation.
+
+Wedding invitations, or announcements, and their accompanying cards,
+are enclosed in two envelopes, one within the other, of the same
+stock as the billets. Upon the outer is written the name of the person
+and his street address; upon the inner only the name of the one for
+whom it is intended.
+
+Wedding invitations should be addressed to "Mrs. Chandler Jones," on
+the outside envelope. Within this is a second envelope addressed to
+"Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones." The older custom is to address the
+outside envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones," as well as the
+inside. The lady of the house is now, however, beginning to be looked
+upon as head of its social affairs, as her husband is of its business
+affairs, and hence the style of addressing invitations to her.
+
+The words "And Family" are no longer used after the parents' names,
+but separate invitations are sent to the members.
+
+It is quite the courteous thing to include among the people invited to
+a wedding, especially if it is to be in a church, the special business
+friends and associates of the bridegroom-elect, his father, and the
+bride's father.
+
+In case the invitations are for the ceremony only at a church wedding,
+the address of the bride's parents should be embossed upon the outside
+envelope.
+
+Acquaintances purely professional do not receive cards to a wedding.
+One's physician, however, if his family is prominent socially, may be
+included among the guests.
+
+Announcement cards should be quite ready to post immediately after the
+ceremony. They should be sent to all the circle of friends and
+acquaintances of both the bride's and the bridegroom's families, save
+to those who have been invited to the marriage or the wedding
+reception.
+
+The announcement of an "At Home" or reception should always be made on
+a separate card,--not on a corner of the wedding invitation or
+announcement.
+
+An immediate reply is necessary when one is invited to a home wedding.
+If the wedding is a church wedding, and there is no reception
+following it, one makes no reply if one intends to be present, but
+sends one's card upon the date set, if one cannot attend.
+
+
+_Various Announcement Cards_
+
+In case of the postponement of a wedding or a dinner or reception
+because of some grave accident or illness, the cancellation of the
+invitations, or the announcement of the postponement, should be
+engraved and sent out at the earliest possible date.
+
+For a wedding it may read somewhat as follows:
+
+                _Mr. and Mrs. Maynard S. Taylor_
+                      _regret to announce_
+        _that on account of serious illness in the family_
+               _the marriage of their daughter_
+               _Emmeline and Mr. Fosdick Arlington_
+                _will be indefinitely postponed_
+
+A family which has passed through a period of calamity and bereavement
+may wish to make some acknowledgment of the attentions of friends, and
+may do so in some such form as follows:
+
+          _The brothers and sisters of_
+            _Dr. Ralph J. Harkins_
+            _gratefully acknowledge_
+        _your kind expression of sympathy_
+
+The special "At Home" card which is used for a reception in honor of a
+friend or guest may contain the name of the friend either on the first
+or the last line of the invitation, with the words "To meet" before
+it; as:
+
+              _Mrs. Ernest L. Lafricain_
+                       _At Home_
+           _Thursday, December twenty-third_
+                   _from four to six_
+            _275 Grand Pré Avenue, Montreal_
+        _To meet Mrs. Jackson Seymour Montgomery_
+
+For a general reception the following form is good:
+
+            _Mr. and Mrs. Henry Illington Bray_
+                _Mr. and Mrs. Harold Bray_
+           _request the honor of your presence_
+                   _on New Year's Day_
+        _from four until half after seven o'clock_
+                 _174 Albemarle Street_
+                        _Winnipeg_
+
+The private engraved card for Christmas and New Year greetings, which
+may be sent to one's entire list of friends, is much in favor. Great
+distinction and individuality of design and selection of sentiment may
+be obtained by this means. The following is an appropriate form:
+
+                              "_The glory breaks
+        And Christmas comes once more_"
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. Nathaniel Clarke Sutherland
+                   cordially greet_
+
+          _with every good wish of the Season_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC
+
+
+THE test of the depth of one's courtesy is found in one's attitude to
+strangers and the public at large. If one observes toward them the
+little courtesies, then one may be safely trusted to keep to the
+highest ideal of social intercourse in times of emergency and rigid
+testing.
+
+Always in a public place the real gentleman and lady will be
+unobtrusive, speaking quietly, and showing in their manner that they
+each believe himself and herself but a single unit in the world of
+humanity, and therefore not entitled to monopolize attention. They
+will go about their business with none of that idle curiosity which
+forms the street crowd.
+
+In places of public amusement, they will show true courtesy by not
+coming in late,--that is, by being on time or missing the performance.
+They will not rustle their programs needlessly. They will so dispose
+of their coats and wraps that others will not be inconvenienced by
+them, even if it takes them an extra ten minutes at the close of the
+evening to obtain them from the cloak room.
+
+They will not talk or whisper to each other during speaking or singing
+on the stage, or at any time when so doing will make it difficult for
+others to hear what is going on. They will applaud temperately, and
+with only that degree of fervor which is for the best interests of the
+audience and the actors as a whole. That is, at a concert they will
+not so applaud one artist as to break up the program.
+
+At formal business meetings they will take pains to conform to
+Parliamentary usage, which is really only the etiquette of debate, and
+will not insist upon rights which have been ruled out, or in word or
+manner express a disorderly spirit. "The greatest good of the largest
+number" will be the rule of their deportment in public.
+
+At a social occasion of any sort, every one present is under
+obligation to do what he can to add to the general pleasure. If he
+cannot or will not, he should remain away. If he is asked to play a
+musical instrument or sing, he should do so without urging, for his
+talents, except in very special cases wherein he would not be asked,
+are or should be at the disposal of the company, or at the request of
+his hostess. Any voluntary or requested performance of this sort may
+be as brief as he pleases, and should be brief, unless his talent is
+so great that there can be no possible doubt of its acceptability, and
+he is in a generous mood,--a combination of circumstances rare in any
+but the most talented circles.
+
+If you turn the pages of music for a musician, do so in a quiet and
+self-forgetful manner. Interest in you is quite subordinate to
+interest in the performer.
+
+Do not by extravagant applause encourage parlor recitations, for
+mediocre talent is always profuse.
+
+It is a mark of good breeding to control or at least conceal one's
+moods, so that in company one always appears to be content, if not
+happy. It adds much to the happiness of others to give this
+impression, and is therefore generous as well as wise.
+
+It is always rude to interrupt with conversation, or yawning, or any
+motion, a musical performance, or any entertainment whether public or
+private, in which those about one are interested. One should retire if
+he cannot refrain.
+
+Behavior in church may be taught in one great principle, providing
+that principle is fundamental enough. The sense of reverence for the
+things of the spiritual life may be felt, if not comprehended, by even
+the child. No amount of "Don't's," if the spirit of worship be not
+instilled, will avail to make the child of any age an attentive and
+reverent worshiper or even attendant at church.
+
+The sense of worship will forbid whispering and chatting with friends,
+the noisy turning of the leaves of hymn-book or Bible, or an
+indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in prayer.
+
+Another sign of the same reverence is the careful observance of
+punctuality at the service. A church service is, by its very nature, a
+more intimate and important service to the attendant than any other.
+Therefore, to come in late, thus distracting the attention of those
+who have gone to church for meditation or worship, is a far more
+flagrant offense against the rights of others, than is the disturbing
+of their pleasure at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance.
+
+The habit of a vacant or absent mind in company is a grave fault, and
+works greatly to the detriment of one's reputation for intelligence,
+in spite of all else that one may do to establish it.
+
+Straightforward attentiveness is the attitude of most profit and
+enjoyment in society. One learns then what other people are thinking
+about, and becomes more and more active mentally. Such an attitude
+establishes the confidence of others in one's sincerity and
+intelligence.
+
+Inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm. No one cares to talk twice
+with a person who, no matter what his wit or ability to entertain, has
+betrayed one into divulging facts or making remarks which he regrets.
+
+Upon the street a gentleman always takes the outside of the walk, when
+with a lady, the custom having come down from the days when dangers
+beset the path, and the man had to be at the point of vantage for the
+protection of the woman.
+
+When a married woman and an unmarried girl are walking together, the
+married woman takes the outside of the walk.
+
+In passing single file other people or some obstacle, the gentleman
+always steps back and allows the lady to precede him. If, however, the
+way is crowded or there is necessity that she should be protected, he
+goes first.
+
+In entering a hotel dining-room the lady always goes first.
+
+A lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless she is blind, infirm, or
+crippled, or in a turbulent crowd.
+
+The considerate person will not enter even a public hotel late at
+night, much less a home, his own or any other, in a noisy, careless
+fashion. Those who are asleep deserve as great consideration as if
+they were awake, and more also.
+
+The modern courtesy of letting each one pay for himself in a car, a
+train, a restaurant, or a theatre, is a much more rational one than
+the older form of permitting one to act as host, as if he were in his
+own house. A gentleman might offer to pay for others, if he wished to,
+but he should not insist upon paying; nor should any one carelessly or
+designedly permit his expenses to be paid by another, unless he
+himself expects to offer equal hospitality at another time.
+
+In entering a carriage or automobile, one should step promptly,
+without either loitering or haste. If one is to sit facing the horses
+or the front of the automobile, and there is but one step to take, one
+puts the left foot on it. If there are two steps, the right foot
+should take the first, the left the second. If one is to face in the
+opposite direction from what the vehicle is going, one should use the
+right foot first in case of the one step, and the left foot first in
+case of the two.
+
+When two ladies who are guest and hostess are driving together, the
+guest should enter first, taking the farther seat, facing the front of
+the carriage, so that it will not be necessary for her hostess to pass
+her. When a mother and daughter enter a carriage, the mother precedes,
+and the daughter sits by her side if no other lady is present. In case
+of two daughters, the elder sits by the side of the mother, and the
+younger sits opposite.
+
+The fashionable hours for driving are from two-thirty to five in the
+winter, and from three to six-thirty in the summer.
+
+Young women never ride horseback in cities or in public parks without
+an escort. In the country the rule is not so rigidly enforced. In case
+a groom is the escort, he rides slightly behind, keeping watch that he
+may be of service.
+
+A riding-habit should be absolutely neat, simple, and inconspicuous.
+The hat should be plain, the hair compactly done, and the whole effect
+of the costume trim serviceableness and grace, rather than prettiness.
+
+In mounting a horse a woman gathers up her habit in her left hand, and
+stands close to the horse with her right hand on the pommel of the
+saddle. The man who assists her stoops and places his right hand with
+the palm up at a convenient distance from the ground. The lady then
+puts her left foot into his hand, and springs up into the saddle with
+his assistance.
+
+It is necessary, first, to have a firm seat; secondly, a skillful hand
+on the rein. One should sit in the middle of the saddle, in an easy,
+natural position, with the body not stiff but supple and responsive to
+the motion of the horse. The elbows should be well in to the side, in
+a line with the shoulders, and the hands should be relaxed and yet
+responsive to the slightest pull of the rein.
+
+It is no longer considered wise and necessary for a woman to use a
+side saddle. In the freedom of a graceful divided skirt, she strides
+the saddle as do the men, and therefore has an equal chance with them
+to ride gracefully and safely,--a privilege which fashion long denied.
+
+To keep to the right always is the only safe rule in the United
+States. In England and Canada the rule of keeping to the left is
+observed with the same rigidity.
+
+In business life it is not good form to dine with your employer. This
+does not include a ban upon those business dinners, where there is a
+group of people, the majority of them men, with one or two unmarried
+business women of equal or superior business standing, who meet over
+the dinner table to talk of business problems. That occasion has its
+own etiquette, and one which the business man or woman readily
+fashions for himself or herself, and which follows the rules of
+business expediency rather than social life.
+
+It is not necessary to recognize in society a strictly business
+acquaintance unless you wish to do so.
+
+Neatness demands that the traveler always carry his own toilet
+articles, and not depend upon the public supplies, which are,
+however, supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emergencies.
+
+The dress for traveling should be plain and simple, suited to the need
+rather than elaborate. The effect of crumpled finery is so very
+unpleasant that no person of taste will make a display of it in a
+public conveyance.
+
+If you wish to leave your seat in a train, a coat or bag placed upon
+it is sufficient to reserve it for you. The removal of a coat or bag
+so placed is a very great rudeness.
+
+A gentleman will give up his seat to two ladies, or to a gentleman and
+lady traveling together, as he can be more readily accommodated in the
+single seats than can they.
+
+It is courteous for a gentleman who has a vacant place in the seat
+with him to offer it to a lady who is standing, and so prevent her
+from feeling that she is intruding in taking it, if there are no other
+seats vacant.
+
+When a man opens a door for a woman who is a stranger, or offers her
+any other civility, or begs pardon for some blunder, he takes off his
+hat to her.
+
+While traveling alone, it is not necessary or wise to be resentful of
+polite remarks or attentions. They should be met with equal
+politeness. Quiet dignity and tact will terminate without offense any
+conversation which has grown too familiar or tedious.
+
+The comfort of all in the car, not of one individual, should be
+consulted in the opening of windows and doors, and the consent of
+those sitting near should be gained.
+
+It is a grave breach of good manners to monopolize a dressing-room for
+quite a period of time. One should be as expeditious as possible, and
+should not seriously inconvenience others, even if he deprives himself
+of some of the comfort he desires.
+
+It is not well to travel unless you can afford it. If you can and do
+travel, deal courteously and generously with those who serve you.
+
+Ask questions only of officials of the road or the ship, or of
+policemen in the street.
+
+The exchange of visiting cards with strangers, unless under unusual
+circumstances, is unwise and bad form.
+
+Ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself, unless she is under escort of
+a relative or intimate friend to whom she gives the right to pay for
+her. When she enters a car alone and there meets an acquaintance, she
+always pays her own fare, unless the acquaintance may be an old and
+intimate friend.
+
+When a lady is taking a long trip under escort of some gentleman
+friend, it is proper for her to reimburse him for his expenditures in
+her behalf. She should hand him her purse with which to purchase her
+ticket.
+
+The munching of nuts, fruit, or candy in a crowded public conveyance
+is a serious offense against those about you. A neat lunch, quietly
+eaten at an appropriate hour, is not offensive and is quite
+permissible. But one should not impose even the odor of food upon
+people who are forced to be near, and who may find it extremely
+disagreeable.
+
+The recent passage and enforcement of laws regarding expectoration in
+public places is a great step in advance, and must be rigidly
+maintained for the sake of the public health. The chewing of gum,
+while no menace to society, is as unesthetic and disgusting as
+expectoration, and should fall under as righteous if not as severe a
+ban.
+
+In a car or train do not fan yourself so vigorously that the person in
+front of you feels the air current upon the back of his neck. A book
+or newspaper should not be placed so that it rubs constantly against
+the hat of the person in the seat in front.
+
+Pushing, shoving, and all like methods of getting people to move out
+of your way, or of getting ahead of others, are marks of great
+rudeness, and have a tendency to retard rather than aid one's progress
+through a crowd or into a car. The quiet, good-natured crowd disperses
+most rapidly.
+
+At the ferry and all prepayment places, have the right change in
+hand, so that you do not keep back those who are in a rush to catch a
+boat or a car, by fumbling for your money or making the receiver make
+change.
+
+Do not carry an umbrella carelessly. You are as culpable if you injure
+another as another would be if he injured you.
+
+To converse in loud tones or talk of personal matters anywhere in
+public shows great lack of fine feeling and good breeding.
+
+Never show hostility, nor permit people to quarrel with you. The
+irritability which crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary to
+adhere, from principle, to the rule of strict good-will toward all.
+
+If you are escorting a woman, do not permit her to suffer any
+discomfort; but if, by chance, she does, do not pick a quarrel with
+the person who caused it. Firmly but quietly afford her protection,
+but do not demand satisfaction for discomforts or insults for which
+there is no satisfaction and whose discussion only increases the
+offense.
+
+A lady need feel no embarrassment if she is obliged to spend a few
+days in a hotel alone. Upon entering she would go to the desk and make
+arrangements for a room. When the choice is made she surrenders her
+hand bag to the bell-boy, who conducts her to her room. She should,
+for her own convenience and protection, deposit valuables or large
+sums of money with the hotel proprietor in the office safe. Then the
+responsibility becomes his, but he does not assume it if they are left
+in the room. Upon leaving her room, she should lock her trunks and
+door, and leave the key with the clerk at the desk.
+
+A lady's deportment in a hotel is that of quiet reserve, but not of
+haughty distance. She should dress simply and plainly, so as not to
+attract attention, as she is in a public place. The only time when
+elegant dress is permissible at a hotel is when one is with an escort,
+or is one of a group of people so dressed in order to attend some
+function.
+
+A lady will not stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, will not
+loiter about the hotel office, or walk out alone upon the piazza or
+any conspicuous place, or stand at the windows of the parlor. She will
+remember that she is in a public place, where she may encounter all
+classes of people, so she will not permit herself any of the liberties
+of a home. She will not go through the halls humming or singing, or
+take a book or newspaper from the public parlor and carry it off to
+her room, even if she does shortly return it. She will not, even in
+her own room, make such noise as will attract attention or disturb
+other guests.
+
+She will not call a cab herself, but will summon a bell-boy and have
+him attend to it. After her baggage is packed she will let the
+servants attend to it, even to the handing her of her umbrella and
+hand bag after she is in the carriage. She will never take the liberty
+of chiding a servant, but will make a necessary complaint to the clerk
+at the desk.
+
+To open a window in the parlor of a hotel, when others are by and may
+be discomforted, is a breach of politeness. Also it is not right that
+even an accomplished musician or singer should use the piano of the
+hotel parlor, if others are in the room, unless he has received a
+unanimous invitation to do so.
+
+One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or the dining-room without
+being thought forward or intrusive, and also may respond to such
+greetings without compromise, as such acquaintance does not imply or
+demand recognition elsewhere.
+
+A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table, will decide quickly what
+dishes she wishes, and order them distinctly but quietly. She will
+wait patiently to be served, without any display of embarrassment. It
+is allowable to read a newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not
+good taste to bring books to the table at any time. If she desires a
+dish which she sees, but the name of which she does not know, she will
+not point to it, but will indicate it to the waiter by her glance and
+her description.
+
+If she has friends or makes table acquaintances, she will talk with
+them in a low tone. She will never talk with some one at another
+table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such as the passing of food,
+is offered her by either a lady or a gentleman, she will express her
+thanks, but will not start a conversation.
+
+The usual good manners of cultivated people, emphasized by the
+additional restraint which the presence of the public imposes, is a
+safe standard of etiquette in a hotel.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+THE ART OF BEING A GUEST
+
+
+JUST as the host and hostess, in sending out an invitation, obligate
+themselves to make everything as enjoyable as possible for their
+guest, so a guest, in accepting, obligates himself or herself to meet
+the efforts of the host and hostess at least halfway. Success in the
+art of being a guest depends more upon the spirit in which one accepts
+of entertainment than upon the entertainment offered.
+
+A formal dinner is one of the most solemn obligations of society.
+After having once accepted the invitation, only death or mortal
+illness is an excuse for not attending.
+
+One may attend a formal reception and not expend more than twenty
+minutes of time, if one wishes to be very prompt. The round of social
+duty there is brief. A lady removes her wrap, but not her hat or
+gloves, in the dressing-room, and thence goes directly to the
+drawing-room. The guest here greets the host and hostess, briefly if
+the reception is large and the flow of incoming guests constant, then
+passes to the room where the refreshments are served. After partaking
+of these, the guest may leave without bidding adieu to the hostess,
+unless the reception is small and she is free to speak a second time
+with her guests.
+
+If one is present at an afternoon tea or reception, it is not always
+necessary to call afterwards; yet, many hostesses expect such a call
+if the affair has been formal. One should certainly call after a tea
+given to introduce a débutante, or a wedding reception, or one given
+in honor of some special person or event.
+
+If a guest is not pleased with the food provided at a luncheon or
+dinner, or for any special reason cannot eat of any one dish, he
+should try and satisfy himself with something else, and make no
+comment upon it, doing his utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking
+that she has not well provided for him.
+
+At a dancing party a young man should assist his hostess in seeing
+that all the young ladies have an equal chance to dance, and that none
+are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth of partners. His
+obligation to his hostess and to society should be thus honored, as it
+is not, of course, a private affair for his own amusement, and as upon
+him, more than upon the young women, depends its success.
+
+It is necessary that introductions be freely made at a dancing party,
+in order that all may enjoy the evening, and every one should try to
+make all his friends acquainted with each other.
+
+A young woman remains seated by the side of her chaperon until asked
+to dance. After a dance her partner returns with her to the chaperon.
+
+If the son of the hostess requests a dance of a young woman, she
+should give it unless her program is quite full. If for any reason she
+refuses a dance to one man, she should not give it to another, but
+should sit it out. A woman, having once promised a dance, should
+fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so, in which case she will
+dance no more during the evening. The young man who is thus refused is
+free, having returned with her to her chaperon, to seek another
+partner.
+
+Unless a young couple are engaged to each other, they should not dance
+together so often as to be conspicuous. Nor may they disappear into
+secluded corners and sit out dances. It is poor taste and very
+questionable etiquette, even if engaged.
+
+When asked to dance, a woman hands the man her program, saying, "I am
+not engaged for that dance, and will be pleased to give it to you."
+After the dance the man may thank the woman for it, and she may make
+some remark to express her pleasure in it.
+
+If a man is delayed in claiming a woman for the promised dance, he
+should make profuse apologies.
+
+A man dances first with the woman he escorts, or with the daughters of
+the hostess, or her guests in the house. Afterward he may choose for
+himself, always remembering that he should assist his hostess in
+giving a good time to all.
+
+A woman always makes the first move toward going home at every social
+gathering. At a dance it is not necessary to say good-night to the
+hostess unless there is a good opportunity.
+
+If a man is suddenly called away, he should try to find partners for
+the ladies with whom he engaged dances, and should explain his leaving
+to them.
+
+It is not obligatory, but simply a pleasant custom, for a man to send
+flowers to the young woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing
+party. When she is his fiancée, it is especially appropriate and
+appreciated.
+
+When one is on a visit, or at a house or weekend party, one has to
+follow the style of dress of the people whom one is visiting, so no
+hard and fast rules can be laid down. One should have suitable
+garments for each of the forms of recreation which one is to enjoy,
+and should follow quite closely the requirements of the hour.
+
+When traveling, small, plain hats and tidily draped veils are
+necessary. For mountain visits, thicker clothing and heavier wraps
+will be in demand, than are used in the city. When it is the custom to
+dress for dinner, one should always adhere to it, and so plan one's
+hours that nothing interferes with so doing and being prompt as well.
+
+A guest should not claim the entire time of her hostess. The hours
+between breakfast and lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her
+household and family duties, and the guest should entertain herself
+during them.
+
+No guest should ever accept an invitation to an entertainment, a
+drive, or any other amusement without first consulting with her
+hostess. If, having friends in the same city or town, she has
+invitations from them for special occasions, she should inform her
+hostess of them promptly, that two plans may not be made for the same
+date.
+
+Unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble, she never suggests
+retiring. That is the duty of the hostess.
+
+A guest should take pains to arrive when expected. If she has promised
+a visit, she should keep her promise, unless matters of serious
+illness or grave moment forbid it, in which case a prompt and
+explanatory apology is imperative.
+
+The guest should decide with her hostess, early in her stay, upon the
+date of her departure, if that has not been already settled in the
+form of the invitation, and should then abide rigidly by it, allowing
+nothing but the most earnest importunity on the part of her hostess
+personally, and for clearly shown and newly arising reasons, to detain
+her longer.
+
+The guest should be pleased and well entertained with everything that
+is done for her amusement, or should appear to be so. If she cannot
+give herself up to the enjoyment of the sort of entertainment which
+her host and hostess provide, she should not accept the invitation to
+visit them.
+
+The guest should be punctual at meals and conform in every particular
+to the ways of the household. She should not arrive in the living-room
+or drawing-room at hours when there will be none to entertain her, and
+when it would embarrass her hostess to know that she was unattended.
+To sit up after the family has gone to bed, to lie in bed after the
+entire family have risen, to be late at meals, to be writing an
+important letter or doing some mending when the carriage is at the
+door for a drive, or wish to go to drive when the carriage has been
+dismissed, to be too tired to attend the dinner or reception given in
+one's honor, to fail to keep appointments for the stroll or some sport
+because one wants to do something else,--these things show a total
+lack of consideration on the part of the guest, and make it
+impossible to enjoy her stay or wish for her return.
+
+At times which seem appropriate it is well to retire to one's room and
+leave the family by themselves. It is not necessary for the family
+life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to the guest. Hospitality
+would be more generously shown if it did not make so many unnecessary
+demands upon the time and comfort of the members of the family.
+
+The guest should never take sides in any family discussion, and if
+anything unpleasant occurs, she should ignore it entirely, and not
+seem to know anything about it or take any interest in it.
+
+It is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to one's hosts to retail any
+information one may have acquired on a visit, or discuss their
+characteristics and management with any one.
+
+A guest need not attend religious services, or be present at the calls
+of commonplace people, or enter into local philanthropies, unless he
+wishes to do so. True hospitality relieves him from all sense of
+obligation in these matters. If, however, carriages are provided so
+that guests may attend church, or guests are told of the hour for
+family worship and are invited to be present, it is more courteous to
+attend.
+
+Guests at country houses should be willing to take hold and help in
+any emergency, such as the absence or sickness of the servants, and
+should be willing to join heartily in the country frolics where work
+is usually to be shared by all.
+
+In the country people visit in large parties, so when one is invited
+to go on an excursion or with a crowd to visit some neighbor, one
+should not hesitate for fear of being one too many.
+
+One should follow the wish of the host or hostess in regard to giving
+the servants some gratuity for service rendered, if that wish is
+known; otherwise, unless there is an accepted rule to the contrary, it
+is well to give, when leaving, a small gift of money to such of the
+servants as have been especially helpful. One should always treat
+servants with consideration and kindness, if not with generosity. It
+is better to be less lavish with money and more painstaking in
+remembering personally the people who have served you, renewing
+acquaintance with them if opportunity offers, treating them in a human
+way, and not with the indifference with which you would treat a
+mechanism.
+
+If a gift is given, it should be done unostentatiously. The tactful,
+quiet way of doing it, free from patronage, and showing only good-will
+and gratitude for service rendered, is the only polite way. Money
+never compensates for haughtiness and brusqueness, and the gentleman
+or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of the feelings of even an
+incompetent servant.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS
+
+
+HOSPITALITY is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and
+its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous
+consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly
+entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give
+happiness.
+
+The pleasant custom of serving tea each day at five o'clock is one
+which admits of great enjoyment. The man of the house tries to be at
+home for the quiet social hour before the family dinner. The young
+people of the family are gathering after the day's dispersion. The
+friends, who are out calling or on their way home, drop in for a
+pleasant chat; and the charming hostess has time for many glimpses of
+friends, and chance also to say the right word to some friend in need
+of cheer, who knew that she could be found at her daily hour of
+welcome.
+
+The custom of receiving on a certain day of the week is a sensible and
+hospitable one. If one has such an "At Home" day, it is more polite
+for friends to call on that day than on any other. If a lady has,
+however, sent out cards announcing that she is "At Home" on
+"Wednesdays in January and February," one should not call on those
+days unless one has received the card having the special invitation.
+
+Some receive once a month during the season. They have the day
+engraved on their card, as "The first Friday until Lent," or "The
+second Wednesday until April."
+
+The custom of sending out cards for a certain day throughout one month
+avoids a "crush" on any one day, and enables a hostess to receive
+informally without giving up a great part of her time.
+
+The informal entertainment is a greater compliment to guests than any
+formal entertainment, however splendid.
+
+The hostess should preserve the happy medium between neglecting and
+overattending to her guests.
+
+When a hostess wishes to have her friends meet an expected guest, she
+should inform them of the intended visit beforehand, and so enable
+them to make an engagement to meet her, or plan entertainment for her.
+Invitations to a reception in honor of a friend can well be, and
+should be, sent out in advance of her coming, if her stay is to be
+short, and if the dates of her stay are definitely known.
+
+At a reception for the introduction of a friend, the hostess and the
+guest of honor will stand near the door of the drawing-room and
+receive. If the reception is very large, the butler announces the
+names of the guests as they enter. The hostess gives her hand to the
+newcomer, and presents her to the guest of honor. After a few words of
+greeting, the caller passes on into the room where the refreshments
+are served.
+
+The refreshments usually consist of dainty sandwiches, salads, perhaps
+creamed oysters or chicken, bouillon, chocolate, coffee, or lemonade.
+
+Afternoon teas are less formal and less elaborate than receptions. The
+refreshments consist of tea, with thin slices of bread and butter,
+thin biscuits, and cake.
+
+At a dancing party the hostess receives, together with her daughters
+and any guests whom she honors by asking. The host may receive, as
+well, but his chief duty is to keep a watchful eye upon his guests,
+looking out for the chaperons, and seeing that the young people are
+supplied with partners for the dances.
+
+At a débutante party the mother stands nearest the drawing-room door,
+the daughter next her, and the father beyond. The mother greets each
+guest and then introduces the daughter. At the supper or dinner her
+brother or father takes out the débutante, who sits at her father's
+left. In case her brother takes her out, her father takes out the
+oldest or most honored lady present.
+
+The successful host and hostess see to it that all their guests are
+introduced to each other, if this is possible, so that the best of
+cordiality and the least restraint may characterize their mingling.
+
+
+_Breakfasts and Luncheons_
+
+Breakfasts may be homelike, informal affairs, or quite ceremonious.
+The hour of this meal is at any time before one o'clock, usually
+twelve or twelve-thirty. After one o'clock the affair becomes a
+luncheon.
+
+Men are invited to a breakfast, but usually at a luncheon the guests
+are all women.
+
+A real breakfast menu, such as is often served on Sunday mornings in
+the country, consists of fruit, cereal, a chop, or steak, or
+fishballs, with potatoes, eggs in some form, muffins or hot rolls, and
+coffee, waffles or hot cakes, or, in New England, doughnuts.
+
+The menu for luncheon consists usually of soup, fruit, lobster in
+cutlets or croquettes, with mushrooms, or omelet, or fish; broiled
+chicken, or lamb chops, with green peas and potatoes; a salad,
+crackers and cheese; ice cream, with coffee, tea, or chocolate.
+
+At a breakfast or luncheon, as at a dinner, every effort should be
+made to be punctual. The success of such an occasion may be ruined by
+a tardy guest.
+
+At a luncheon one removes wraps and veils in the dressing-room,
+retaining one's hat and gloves, the latter being removed at table, and
+resumed in the drawing-room after the meal, unless cards are the form
+of entertainment.
+
+As the guests enter the drawing-room the hostess shakes hands with
+them and introduces them to one another before going to the
+dining-room. When no men are present the hostess leads the way to the
+dining-room, and the guests find their places at the table by the name
+cards. When men are present the procedure to the dining-room follows
+the custom at a formal dinner.
+
+It is becoming customary to use the daylight as much as possible at
+all social functions; and, indeed, at no affair, unless it be very
+late in the afternoon and very ceremonious, is the daylight excluded
+and the candles and chandeliers lighted.
+
+
+_The Formal Dinner_
+
+The most enjoyable dinner is that with four or six guests, which is
+served in a simple and only semiformal way. This enables a hostess to
+bring together only congenial people, and the group is small enough
+for the talk to be largely general, and thence especially valuable, as
+each brings his wittiest stories, his clearest thoughts, and his best
+self to the appreciative and inspiring circle.
+
+The formal dinner is usually set for seven o'clock, or half after, or
+eight. The elaborate dinner will take from an hour to two hours,
+according to the number of courses and the efficiency of the service.
+There should be a waiter for every six people, although at a small
+dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers without much delay.
+
+The invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks ahead. No
+more people should be asked than can be comfortably seated and
+speedily served. Twenty inches at the very least should be allowed to
+each cover. Children are never present at a ceremonious dinner.
+
+In choosing guests every effort should be made to have them congenial,
+with no glaring divergence of opinions, which would by any means make
+any one uncomfortable if the conversation were to become general. In
+seating the guests, only congenial people should be placed side by
+side. The intellectual harmony of a dinner is as important as the
+culinary harmony.
+
+Ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner, and remove them only at table,
+resuming them when dinner is over and the guests have returned to the
+drawing-room.
+
+The dining-room must be quietly but well lighted. There should be no
+glaring lights, but a soft radiance which is so general as to make
+everything clear. An electric light hanging eighteen inches above the
+table, or a tall lamp whose light is at about the same height, either
+of them well shaded, are satisfactory additions to the candlelight.
+
+Sometimes high lights are dispensed with and only candles used.
+Candles should always be lighted three minutes before the dinner is
+announced. For a dinner of not more than eight covers four candles are
+sufficient light.
+
+Relatives are not seated side by side, as the effort is to have a
+general mingling of the company. A clever hostess will see that her
+guests at a small dinner party are all introduced to each other before
+they enter the dining-room.
+
+The table may be round, oval, or rectangular, but if too narrow it
+cannot be made to look well.
+
+The tablecloth is always spread for a dinner. A thick pad of felt or
+double-faced cotton flannel should go under the tablecloth. The damask
+should be immaculate and of good quality. The tablecloth should hang
+almost to the floor at the corners.
+
+At each place there is a card on which the guest's name is written.
+These place cards often have the monogram of the hostess in the center
+and are otherwise blank, except for the name written on.
+
+The place cards at a dinner should be laid immediately before the
+plates of the guests or on the napkins, which are folded squarely, and
+of sufficient size to be of real usefulness.
+
+In setting the table, the spoons for soup, dessert, and coffee are
+arranged at the top of the plate; the knives and forks, the latter of
+several sizes, are placed on either hand, in order of use, and the
+small plate for bread, olives, etc., is on the right.
+
+In eating, the oyster fork is the first used, and then one takes the
+next in order. Should one be in doubt, the rule is to glance at the
+hostess and adopt her method, whatever that may be.
+
+On elegant tables, each cover, or plate, is accompanied by two large
+silver knives, a small silver knife, and fork for fish, a small fork
+for oysters on the half-shell, a large tablespoon for soup, and three
+large forks. The folded napkin is laid in the center, with a piece of
+bread in it. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork.
+
+A half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for each person, unless at a
+country dinner, where a full ladleful may be given without offense.
+
+Individual salts or salt cellars are now placed at each plate, and it
+is not improper to take salt with the tip of the knife in lieu of a
+spoon.
+
+The place plates stand under the oyster or soup plates and under any
+course when it is desirable to have them. Plates must be warmed or
+chilled according to the temperature of the food which is to be served
+in them.
+
+The indispensable courses of a dinner are soup, fish, roast, salad,
+and dessert. In arranging her menu, however, each hostess will suit
+herself to her pocketbook and to what she considers good form in the
+amount and kind of food.
+
+The formal dinner should be served in a very leisurely style.
+
+At the daily family dinner as well as at formal dinners, all the
+ladies of the house and among the guests should be helped before any
+of the men are served, even if some distinguished guest is among the
+latter.
+
+It is not necessary to wait until all are served before beginning to
+eat at a dinner, but wait until the hostess has commenced to eat.
+
+Butter is not served at a formal dinner, and bread is laid in the
+napkin beside the plate.
+
+There should be no urging of guests to eat. It is assumed that a guest
+is not afraid to eat as much as he wants.
+
+When the fruit napkin is brought in, the user takes it from the glass
+plate on which it is laid, and either places it at his right hand, or
+on his knees. The doily beneath the finger bowl is not meant for use,
+but should be laid on the table beside the finger bowl.
+
+After the dinner has been eaten, and dessert is reached, everything is
+cleared off but the tablecloth, which is now never removed. A dessert
+spoon is put before each guest, and a gold or silver spoon, a silver
+dessert spoon and fork, and often a queer little combination of fork
+and spoon called an ice spoon. For the after-dinner coffee a very
+small spoon is used.
+
+Coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the table, or later in the
+drawing-room. Cream is never served with a demi-tasse.
+
+The napkin should be left lying loosely beside the plate after a meal.
+
+In case either a guest or a servant meets with any accident one should
+pass it over with as much speed as possible and turn the attention of
+all immediately toward some interesting matter. A mistake should be
+completely ignored by both hosts and guests.
+
+Whenever a course is offered which you do not enjoy, never decline it,
+but accept it, and endeavor to take a small portion at least of it.
+You avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste of those who like it,
+and put your hostess at ease.
+
+No personal preferences in foods are to be consulted or mentioned
+when one is a guest at dinner. If one cannot accept of the fare
+offered, one should have declined the invitation.
+
+Should a guest be late, the hostess need not wait more than fifteen
+minutes for him, after which time, if he appear, the host rises from
+the table to greet him and cover the interruption of his entrance, but
+the hostess does not leave her place. If he does not come until after
+the second course, he is served only as the others are served, and no
+attempt is made to serve the previous courses to him.
+
+When dinner is ready, the maid or butler appears in the drawing-room
+door, catches the eye of the hostess, and announces quietly that
+dinner is served.
+
+Upon the signal, the host gives his arm to the guest of honor, and
+they lead the way, the lady being seated at the right of her host.
+After them come the other couples as the hostess has planned. Each man
+has found upon the dressing-room table an envelope addressed to him,
+in which is the name of the lady whom he is expected to take out to
+dinner, and also in the corner "R" or "L" to indicate on which side of
+the table he and his lady are to sit.
+
+After all the others have passed out, the hostess brings up the rear
+with the gentleman guest of honor, who will sit at her right.
+
+Evening dress should always be worn. For a lady a gown with low neck
+and short sleeves or elbow sleeves; for a gentleman, a dress coat and
+its accompanying trousers, vest, and tie of regulation cut and color.
+
+Arrival a few minutes before the hour is customary in order for the
+guests to assemble in the drawing-room, greet their host and each
+other, and proceed together to the table.
+
+When the meal is finished, the hostess catches the eye of the guest at
+her husband's right, smiles understandingly, and they immediately
+rise, and, followed by the rest of the ladies, leave the room, the men
+standing meanwhile. The men linger for a half-hour or so over their
+cigars and coffee, or liqueurs, before following the ladies into the
+drawing-room.
+
+In the United States it is more usual for the men and women to leave
+the dining-room together, and the hostess to serve the coffee in the
+drawing-room, than it is for the men to linger by themselves at the
+table.
+
+After a dinner party one should bid good-night to the lady one has
+taken out to the table, to one's host and hostess. It is not good form
+to omit the latter, for she should be assured that you at least have
+enjoyed the evening, and that her effort at hospitality has been
+appreciated by you. It is not necessary to take a formal leave of the
+other guests. If you choose you may wish them a general good-night.
+
+A ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit
+of toast.
+
+Then comes the fruit. It may be melons, peaches, strawberries, or
+grape fruit. It must be in perfection, and should be on ice up to the
+moment of serving, and must tempt the eye as well as the palate.
+
+Next comes the course of oysters or clams on the half-shell, which
+should be served on crushed ice, on oyster plates made with hollows
+for the shells, and picked up with silver forks made for the purpose.
+Or they may be served more daintily without the ice, immediately after
+they have been taken from the cooler, and without delay.
+
+Then a clear soup. It may be served from a silver tureen by the
+hostess, or may be brought in soup plates to the guests by the waiter.
+
+Then fish. This may be served by the host or arranged in a dainty
+mince and served in shells to the separate guests. If served by the
+host, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it.
+
+Throughout the dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar
+relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the
+table when the guests take their seats.
+
+After the fish there can be an entrée or two of some delicate dish,
+but the roast properly comes next. It may be turkey, beef, mutton, or
+lamb. The host may carve it if he pleases, and the waiter receive
+portions from him and carry them to the guests. In many houses the
+lady of the house is served first, and next the guest of honor, who is
+the lady at the right of the host. With the roast some vegetables are
+served.
+
+Then comes a salad, and with the salad cheese and crackers are served.
+
+The dessert follows the salad, and black coffee concludes the repast.
+This last may be served at the dining table, or later in the
+drawing-room by the hostess.
+
+The dessert may consist of ices, fruit, pastry, or confections.
+Frequently there is a final course after the sweets, consisting of
+crackers and toasted cheese.
+
+
+_Visits_
+
+It is now considered quite proper for the host or hostess to specify
+the length of time covered by an invitation for a visit. The
+complication of duties in our present-day life makes the assignment of
+even pleasures to definite periods necessary. This is as important as
+the arrangement of trains and methods by which the guest may arrive
+and leave.
+
+The English manner of entertaining is a very excellent one, as it
+gives the guest his freedom and makes his visit of the utmost profit
+to himself and also to his host. The English host sets the time of
+arrival, has his servant meet the guest at the station with
+conveyance, has him met at the house door again by a servant, and
+shown to his room, where he is made at home by being offered some
+light refreshments. He is told at what hour he will be received by his
+host and hostess in the drawing-room, usually a short time before
+dinner. Then throughout his stay he does not see his hostess till
+midday, although she provides amusement for her guests, which he is at
+liberty to enjoy or ignore as he chooses.
+
+After the noon meal he may do as he chooses through the afternoon,
+appearing only at dinner, which is the formal meal of the day, and at
+the general gathering of the family and guests in the evening. The
+various members of the family are ready to show the visitors the
+place, or the countryside, or play their favorite games during the
+day; but there is no effort to make the entertainment formal or to
+force it upon the guest. We do not wish to see even our most honored
+guests or our dearest friends all of the time, and this arrangement
+makes the meeting at dinner all the more enjoyed and valued.
+
+Before inviting guests it is necessary to see to the comfort which is
+represented in the guest chamber. This should be as dainty and
+comfortable as any chamber in the house, and, in addition to the usual
+furnishings, should have other fittings intended to supply all the
+comforts of one's home. A full line of towels, toilet articles, and
+even night robe, bathrobe, and slippers should be ready for the use of
+the guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase do not arrive at
+the expected time.
+
+If the bed is fitted out with finery as well as with all the linen,
+blankets, and comfortables which a well-set-up bed requires, the care
+of the finery, its removal at night and folding up, should not be left
+to the guest. This should be attended to before bedtime by the maid,
+and the bed turned down ready for occupancy.
+
+There should, of course, be vacant bureau drawers and wardrobe. The
+guest, especially if her visit be for a short time, and she has not
+brought her workbox, will much appreciate a small workbasket fitted
+out with needles, thread, thimble, and scissors. A desk fitted with
+stationery, pens, and postage stamps adds much to the comfort of a
+guest chamber, for, no matter how brief the stay, facilities for
+writing to the distant home are needed promptly and constantly.
+
+The guest's comfort should be provided for before her entertainment or
+amusement, and she should be made to feel perfectly at home in her
+room, and her possession of it be absolute for the time of her stay.
+
+It is a compliment to a guest to remember her favorite dishes, or to
+arrange things to suit her known tastes and preferences.
+
+It is the duty of the hostess to give the signal for retiring. This
+should be done with a fine regard for the desires of guests, rather
+than according to one's personal wishes.
+
+
+_Special Duties of the Country Hostess_
+
+The country hostess should make her entertaining distinctive from that
+of the city. Every one should, at times, return to the country, for
+both physical and mental well-being. So when he is there, it is of
+great importance that he get country fare and country life, rather
+than make a fruitless attempt to live in the country as he does in the
+city.
+
+The country hostess should not attempt to entertain unless she can
+depend upon her servants. Her relations with them should be such that
+there is no likelihood of having a houseful of guests and the servants
+thereupon suddenly weary of the quiet of the country, or for any other
+trivial reason promptly departing. The country hostess will, however,
+fit herself to meet any emergency which may arise, both on her own and
+her family's account, as well as on that of her guests.
+
+Therefore, housekeeping and entertaining should be simplified as much
+as possible, and the most unexpected of emergencies should be
+anticipated and provided for, as far as may be. Unless the country
+hostess is herself competent to cook and to tend the fires, she will
+never be safe in the sending out of invitations. For the same reason,
+other members of the family should be trained in helpfulness, so that
+an emergency will simply mean the adoption of emergency tactics
+previously agreed upon and practiced to the point of efficiency.
+
+The country hostess should remember that to her guests the charm and
+novelty of the fresh air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest
+attractions of her home. So she should see to it that guests are left
+untrammeled, to go and wander where they may wish; and also that the
+guest chambers and all other rooms are kept filled with fresh air even
+in the coldest of weather.
+
+Often the change to the invigorating country air makes the guest feel
+colder than the actual temperature of the room warrants. The hostess
+should remember this, and should provide that at all times the
+living-rooms and guest chambers be warmed as well as ventilated. The
+open fireplace is needed in addition to steam or furnace heat in an
+isolated country house.
+
+"Simple things need to be excellent." The hostess should provide
+fresh fruit, chickens, eggs, vegetables, cream, and milk, the products
+of the country, rather than the elaborate dishes of the city.
+
+The hostess should enjoy the country and teach her guests to enjoy it.
+She should know the attractive walks and drives, the places of real
+interest, and she should be able to point out the picturesque spots,
+and the points of vantage for especially fine views, and to make
+others feel the charm of the country.
+
+The hostess should furnish outdoor occupations, should interest her
+guests in making collections of curious plants from the woodlands, and
+in getting acquainted with the trees. There should be some popular
+sports provided even in midwinter, and all the necessities for the
+enjoyment of these should be furnished, as well as a library, games,
+and all sorts of indoor entertainment and pastimes for the possible
+days of storm which shall block all exit from the house.
+
+The serving of meals out of doors, if the season and weather permit,
+is a distinctive feature of country hospitality, and very enjoyable to
+city dwellers. Breakfast and afternoon tea are especially easy to
+serve on the lawn or piazza, but more elaborate meals may be so served
+if there are servants and facilities enough. Simple meals out of doors
+are preferable to more elaborate meals within. In order to do this
+enjoyably or successfully, it is necessary to have the piazza or
+garden somewhat secluded. A hedge, in the absence of other protection
+from the curious, easily makes this possible.
+
+The informality possible in country entertaining is its greatest
+charm. Neighbors should be encouraged to "drop in" at any hour, as the
+monotony of country life may thus be greatly relieved.
+
+The hostess who, in order to meet an emergency, is obliged to do much
+herself, should either simplify her plans of entertainment, so that
+she could carry them through without too great weariness to play her
+part as hostess by being with her guests, or should call upon them to
+assist her, and make it a companionable visit at any rate.
+
+Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor, in which all join
+first in the work and later in the play. One should endeavor to do
+one's part of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good
+comradeship, as well as share in the fun.
+
+One of the most enjoyable resources of the country hostess is the
+picnic. This idea may be varied to suit any circumstances and any
+surroundings. It may take the form of an athletic frolic for the young
+people, or of a reading party in some secluded and shady glen on a
+hot day, if the company be intellectual, or various other forms.
+
+
+_Public Functions_
+
+Men and women of prominence are often called upon to act as special
+hosts and hostesses at public or semipublic functions, such as club
+dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school or college
+graduations, receptions given by the heads of business houses on
+anniversaries or at openings, civil or state receptions, charitable
+social affairs, and the like.
+
+As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such occasions do not vary
+greatly from those of the more private affairs, but usually greater
+formality is observed, and there is less responsibility on the part of
+the public entertainers for the details of the service.
+
+At a club reception and luncheon, the president and chief officers of
+the club, with the guests of the day, stand in line and receive for a
+half-hour or more, in the parlors of the club. When all the guests, or
+the most of them, have assembled, the procession to the dining-room is
+headed by the president with the guest of greatest distinction, who is
+seated at his right. The other officers follow in order of rank, with
+the other guests in order of distinction.
+
+After dinner, when the last course is completed and the débris
+removed, so that the tables present a neat appearance with their
+decorations intact, the president rises and raps for order. Then,
+after a few introductory remarks, he begins the program of the day.
+These programs vary greatly, but usually include after-dinner speeches
+of the light and happy or only semiserious order,--unless the purpose
+for which all are gathered is of serious moment,--music both
+instrumental and vocal, by excellent performers, and the responses to
+the speeches, either by the president or by others of the officers who
+may be called upon for brief and pertinent remarks. A spirit of
+good-will and enthusiasm should characterize such a gathering,
+whatever the object of it.
+
+When one is appointed on the entertainment committee of a club, or of
+a city, or other body of people, for the holding of a congress of any
+sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail for the
+entertainment of guests for a period covering the entire time of their
+stay. Such guests should be met at the depot or boat landing, should
+be given every assistance toward making them acquainted with the
+officers of the congress and club, and with the city, and every detail
+of provision for their comfort should be looked out for. Personal
+social claims upon their time should not be so made as to conflict
+with their real interest in coming, or with the advantages they may
+have sought in the visit, for carrying out their personal plans.
+
+When one is a guest on such an occasion, he should remember that while
+his entertainment may have been official, his obligation for it is
+personal, and that he should personally thank his hosts and, in
+particular, his special host and hostess, as if he had been their only
+guest. No matter how absorbing the business of the congress or
+conference, no matter how strenuous his own official duties, his
+obligation socially is imperative, and must be met.
+
+When one is a member of the graduating class of a school or college,
+or of any small group of people who, as a society, are entertaining,
+one should show the courtesy of host or hostess to every guest. This
+does not mean that one is responsible to every guest, to see that he
+or she is well entertained, but that, aside from his personal
+responsibilities to his own guests, he should be, at all the public
+functions, in the attitude of host to any stranger to whom he may show
+even the slightest hospitality.
+
+As for his own guests, there are one or two points of special courtesy
+because of the nature of the entertainment. If he is inviting young
+women, or even only one, to whom he intends to give his whole, or a
+large part of his time, he must also invite her mother or chaperon.
+This rule is invariable for the high-school boy graduate, for the
+graduate of the men's college, and for the man graduate of a
+co-educational university.
+
+In addition to the usual provision for guests, he must provide for
+their entertainment overnight or during their stay, if they be from
+the distance. He should, in addition, and early in their visit,
+acquaint them with the peculiarities of the local college customs.
+These customs are distinctive with each college, and their etiquette
+should be made clear to one who, though unused to them, is about to
+share them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON
+
+
+THE need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are
+large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and
+unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of
+the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as
+strictly adhered to as that of the cities.
+
+The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking
+oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives
+up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful
+care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter
+cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of
+several mothers.
+
+Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town
+unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much
+for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine
+conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of
+unpleasant experiences.
+
+When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or
+instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an
+attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young
+people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of
+the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no
+fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a
+protection against criticism.
+
+The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a
+daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or
+mother would be present during the whole of the call. For débutante
+daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out
+in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and
+unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the
+call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the
+young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which
+seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise
+father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and
+when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by
+having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that
+they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.
+
+It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party
+or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is
+well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such
+parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should
+be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without
+immediate family and who has been already in society more than one
+season. The duenna who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon,
+ordinarily accompanies her.
+
+It may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are
+of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage,--through loss of
+relatives, financial limitations, or the following of some business
+calling or profession,--and that they are not, in general, treated
+with less respect than the young woman carefully guarded in her home.
+It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for
+herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration
+which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid
+of a careful observance of conventions.
+
+Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself
+somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially
+with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going
+unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if
+at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She
+may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home,"
+provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present,
+she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening,
+but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea,
+coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.
+
+In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and
+ever-present personage. Wherever the young débutante goes in
+society,--to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the
+park, when shopping or calling,--and during her calling hours at home,
+the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant.
+
+The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country
+villages differs in degree of attendance. The only wise rule is to
+follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be,
+remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is
+wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason
+for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the
+letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows
+that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the
+quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and
+the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's
+chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of
+one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule,
+however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this
+connection is better than too lax.
+
+The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters
+to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended
+by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young
+people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his
+children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a
+magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and
+a safeguard against that group folly towards which the
+irresponsibility of youth tends.
+
+Until a girl makes her début in society, she is not seen at a party of
+adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment
+unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening.
+
+Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the
+attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to
+any place of public amusement.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF THE MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT
+
+
+IT is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult
+with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his
+proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in
+America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has
+not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the
+father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's
+friendship; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the
+choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young
+man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his
+fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have
+used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable
+impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a
+crisis.
+
+
+_The Proposal_
+
+In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the
+trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important.
+
+One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel
+and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the
+rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to
+do.
+
+No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of
+marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not
+decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are
+times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome
+proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very
+considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her
+appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time
+leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already
+engaged, she should tell him so.
+
+If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency
+of response is determined by the importance to the sender.
+
+The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to
+think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely
+rude, and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of
+confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has
+refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the
+letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal
+representatives, to be acted on as they think best.
+
+The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and
+woman, having passed through this experience together, can fail to
+have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each
+other's character.
+
+In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the
+young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real
+declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected
+before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a
+thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself.
+So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter,
+there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation
+on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really
+well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character
+permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when
+she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his
+advances.
+
+The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It
+concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things
+of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of
+high ideals.
+
+When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is
+not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize
+each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it
+that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should
+be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if
+there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an
+absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its
+own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future
+when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and,
+because it is essential for those who are to marry to become
+thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people,
+for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does
+not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at
+times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves.
+
+The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband,
+and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly
+exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad
+world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she
+should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged
+girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of
+amusement or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so
+carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the
+slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men
+whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the
+man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty,
+or of making others feel that she has no interest in them.
+
+As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally
+meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or
+sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them
+embarrassed. They should not spend too much time with each other.
+Their hostess will send them out to dinner together,--which is in
+marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then
+they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should
+be careful not to permit her fiancé to take her away in a corner from
+other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social
+duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote
+himself to one.
+
+The task of meeting each other's friends, after the engagement is
+announced, is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable, and
+should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense
+of critical scrutiny. The great ordeal of winning each other is
+decided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of establishing
+friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object
+of dread. Real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent
+roughnesses smooth.
+
+An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event
+which they may both grace with their presence. The common human
+interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent interest of the
+married, tend to focus all eyes upon them. For this reason they will
+try and be as little conspicuous as may be.
+
+
+_Announcement of Engagement_
+
+The announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways, but
+always first by the family of the young woman. If a public newspaper
+announcement is desired, a notice similar to the following, signed
+with a name and address, must be sent to the society editor of the
+local paper or papers:
+
+"Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce the engagement of their daughter
+Ethel to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date of the wedding
+has not been fixed, but it will probably take place soon after
+Easter."
+
+Or it may read: "Miss Ethel Abbott announces her engagement to Mr.
+Hayden B. Bradley," etc.
+
+If a less public announcement is desired, the young couple may each
+write personal notes to their friends. In these notes one or two
+afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be
+"At Home." This gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of
+the young man to meet his fiancée.
+
+The entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea, in which she and
+her mother receive, the former wearing a pretty but not too
+rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches, cakes, and
+tea should be served.
+
+If an engagement is to be for long, it would be well to have the
+announcement of it as quiet as possible, or not to announce it until
+the time for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the young people
+not to be seen very much together until its final stages.
+
+Immediately upon the announcement of an engagement, the mother of the
+man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother, and
+invite them, or the entire family, to dinner.
+
+The family of the young man should be the first to make advances. The
+other members of the young man's family should call upon the young
+woman promptly, even if they have never met her before, or, if calling
+is impossible, they should write and express their approval and good
+wishes. According to the position of the family, should the
+elaborateness of entertainment be. It is a nice custom, when the young
+lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fiancé,
+for them to invite her to come and visit them.
+
+The calls of his family upon her, and their letters to her, should be
+very promptly returned or answered.
+
+If the young woman live in the country, her father will invite the
+young man for a visit.
+
+
+_Bridal "Showers"_
+
+The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a
+wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from
+one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often
+now the guest of honor at one or more parties called "showers," and
+the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her.
+There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and
+financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one
+bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is
+well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it
+that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so
+invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make
+several gifts to her friend.
+
+These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions
+of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing
+the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified
+by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.
+
+Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower"
+duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which
+will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or
+especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually
+given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up
+the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a
+kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the
+way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the
+recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with
+semidesirable gifts.
+
+The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost
+exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few
+of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the
+evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The
+refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The
+invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally,
+or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss
+Hanley on Wednesday at four."
+
+There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only
+rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such
+objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice
+of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for
+instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china,
+silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one
+room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a
+"shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted
+and nothing else for use in these places.
+
+
+_The Broken Engagement_
+
+When an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the
+young man all letters and presents, and may ask, by a brief,
+courteous, but dignified, note, for the return of her letters to him.
+It would not be necessary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the
+man would take the sending back of his gifts as final, and to mean the
+return of hers also.
+
+In case the wedding is near, so that wedding presents have been
+received from friends, the no longer "bride-elect" should return them
+to the givers with an explanatory note. The note should mention
+nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken.
+
+The mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of
+the engagement. She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes to
+friends. In case of a broken engagement, it is not delicate to allude
+to it, unless one is a very intimate friend, and then it is better to
+leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned.
+
+It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of
+terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than
+her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily,
+without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for
+faithfulness and integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation,
+even privately, as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement,
+as the release must at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever
+she chooses to say, or however unjust the remarks of friends seem, he
+is in honor bound to show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow
+upon her reputation, even if his own suffers instead.
+
+However, in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement
+has been broken mutually, even though no reason is obvious. This
+should be so, for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a
+marriage engagement, marriages will be entered into the almost
+certain outcome of which is the divorce court.
+
+A lady should never accept any but trivial gifts, such as flowers, a
+book, a piece of music, or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman
+who is not related to her. Even a marriage engagement does not make
+the acceptance of costly gifts wise.
+
+
+_Preparation for a Wedding_
+
+The preparation which the bridegroom makes for the new home, is, of
+course, by far the larger share of its establishment. He provides the
+home, furnishes it with everything but the linen, which the bride will
+bring, and the ornamental decorations, including silver for the table,
+which the wedding guests may, in these days of lavish presents, be
+expected to furnish.
+
+Even if he does not choose to set up a house-home at once, the
+provision for the future is all his, and he has to bring to the
+wedding the wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in household
+furniture or only the certificates of wealth with which to provide for
+the bride. This is a matter of pride with even the poorest
+lover,--with all save that small class of men who, either from the
+most worldly of motives or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives
+so high that they will not permit personal pride to stand in the way
+of the real union of hearts, submit to the indignity of becoming
+pensioners rather than donors.
+
+Whatever the custom for the division of responsibility in regard to
+the home and the future, in actual life, in every true home
+responsibility is equal, and convenience alone decrees what the bride
+and the bridegroom shall each contribute to the common hoard.
+
+The bridegroom also provides a part of the wedding, and although his
+share is minimized, yet it is often a costly and important part. He
+should provide the flowers which the bride and her attendants carry.
+The bride usually chooses her flowers, which are ordinarily white
+roses, lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of her favorite
+kind.
+
+Besides providing the wedding ring, the bridegroom usually presents to
+the bride some gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he has bought
+and furnished for her. Or it may be jewelry, or anything else that she
+desires and that he may have it in his power to bestow. The bride
+makes him no special gift other than her hand, as that is her supreme
+gift.
+
+The personal provision of the bridegroom sometimes consists of a new
+wardrobe throughout, besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he will
+wear his new suits somewhat before he appears in them as newly
+married. His wedding suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to
+be married in the evening, complete with white gloves and tie, and
+boutonnière of the same flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in
+the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock, he will wear a frock
+coat of black, white vest, gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In
+case the wedding is in the evening and the bride is to wear her
+traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the bridegroom may wear the same
+suit as for an afternoon wedding, if he chooses.
+
+The custom of having a new wardrobe throughout is not necessarily
+followed, of course. It is through the bridegroom's consideration for
+the bride, and his appreciation of the housewifely duties which she
+undertakes on his behalf, that he makes those as small as possible at
+first, knowing that the years will bring her her full share.
+
+The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter of special moment,
+because it is for the last time that she is outfitted by her father.
+Therefore, he wishes to give her all that she needs for some time to
+come, that she may grow used to reliance upon her husband before he
+has to undertake the burden of her personal expenses in the matter of
+clothes.
+
+The outlay, however, is limited in quantity to the probable needs of
+the first season of married life, if the bride is wise, as there is no
+wisdom in having more garments than can be worn to advantage before
+the style changes.
+
+No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her
+future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only
+circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual
+outlay,--beyond the fact that she needs more and special garments for
+the different social occasions, and has a pride in having them as nice
+as possible,--are those in which she marries a man of much higher
+social station and much larger income than her own. In that case it
+may be well for her to put some of her savings for the future into the
+gowns which she knows will be necessary for her in her new station.
+
+The special gowns necessary for a bride are: Her wedding gown,--which
+is of pure white if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate
+color if a widow,--the wedding veil, the traveling suit, a reception
+gown, a church suit, a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain
+street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper, and a new outfitting of
+underclothing, in number and quality to suit her usual custom, or as
+nice as she can afford.
+
+For the bride whose purse is not overfull the number of gowns and
+suits can be materially diminished; the wedding gown, with some slight
+changes, such as the removal of the high collar and long sleeves, can
+be used as an evening dress; the traveling, church, and visiting suit
+may be one and the same; the house dresses may be reduced to a minimum
+by frequent washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate wardrobe
+with which to begin married life should not be a barrier to a marriage
+which in every other respect appears to be auspicious.
+
+The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of linen which she
+provides for her new home, should consist of approximately the
+following:
+
+For every bed three pairs of sheets, three pairs of pillow cases,
+three bolster cases, one or two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes,
+and an extra quilt.
+
+For her bedrooms she should provide table, stand, and bureau covers,
+as the style of the furniture may suggest, and also such covers for
+couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife would desire for the
+sake of cleanliness.
+
+For the bath-room there should be three dozen towels, a half-dozen
+bath towels. Towels for the maid should also be included.
+
+For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two dozen napkins for common
+use, with two finer tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special
+occasions, make ample provision for the average home. There should be
+doilies and tray cloths, covers for the sideboard, also mats and
+centerpieces for the table.
+
+For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for dishes, hand towels,
+cleaning cloths, holders, and every necessary sort of towel in
+abundance. With the increasing use of the paper towel, much of this
+provision for bath-room and kitchen may be dispensed with, as the
+paper towel is much neater and more economical.
+
+The wedding gown, which is of white satin or silk, and usually as rich
+and elegant as the bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck
+and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they are supplemented by
+long gloves, which are not removed even at the wedding breakfast. The
+custom is to wear white exclusively from veil to shoes. Whether or not
+the veil is worn, a hat is never provided for this gown.
+
+It is customary, in case a bride is married in her traveling suit, for
+her to wear the hat and gloves which go with it. At a home wedding,
+however, this rule is not usually adhered to, unless the couple leave
+at once.
+
+The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn only at the first
+marriage of a woman, and usually only with a gown made with a train.
+
+The bridegroom should acquaint himself with the rules and regulations
+in regard to the marriage license some weeks ahead of the date set for
+the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary in different states, and
+in some a period of residence or notification is necessary.
+
+A marriage certificate, furnishing easily available knowledge of the
+legality of the marriage and its date, is often of great convenience
+in the disposition of property, the probating of wills, and in the
+settlement of numerous questions which might arise in minor matters.
+This should be provided before the ceremony, filled out and signed
+immediately after it by the officiating clergyman, and signed by
+several witnesses.
+
+The wedding ring is, by long established custom, a plain gold band. It
+should be of the best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be
+moderately narrow and thin rather than wide and thick. The ring, the
+unbroken circle, is symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it into
+the keeping of the best man, whose duty it is to hand it promptly to
+him at the proper moment of the ceremony. The initials and date are
+engraved upon the inner surface of the ring. When wider rings were
+worn some appropriate sentiment was also often engraved.
+
+Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her pride to see that it is
+never removed. As Mrs. Sangster feelings says, "It is a badge of
+honor, and, worn on any woman's hand, a symbol of her right to belong
+to the ranks of worthy matrons."
+
+It is well to rehearse the movements of the bridal procession within a
+day or two of the ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the conduct
+of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism. If it is to be a church
+wedding, more than one rehearsal may be required. In that case the
+organist should be present, as well as every member of the bridal
+party, except the clergyman. The opening of the church for such
+rehearsal is included in the fee which the sexton receives, which
+ranges from ten to fifty dollars.
+
+Usually refreshments, in the form of either a dinner or supper, follow
+the rehearsal, the bride entertaining at her home.
+
+If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any other service in which
+the bride and bridegroom kneel, cushions for their use should be
+provided. These are usually covered in white satin, with outer covers
+of very sheer lawn upon which the initials may be worked.
+
+The floral decorations of the church or home should be subordinated to
+the main interest; that is, they should not be too elaborate, take up
+too much room, or do other than furnish a fitting background for the
+bridal couple. The decorations usually follow some definite color
+scheme, although simply the white flowers with green foliage are
+appropriate and symbolic for a church wedding. A few palms, simple
+bouquets of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully, with foliage to
+contrast and fill the corners, will decorate an altar or make a
+pleasant bower. When costliness rather than beauty is the effect of
+flowers, the display is vulgar.
+
+An awning should be stretched from the house or church door to the
+sidewalk, so that the guests and bridal party may not be subjected to
+the gaze of curious passers-by as they leave the carriages. An
+attendant should be stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of the
+carriages, and to give to the coachmen and guests numbers by which
+their carriages may be speedily called.
+
+While the provision of the carriages belongs with all other things to
+the bride's family, the carriages for the bridegroom and his family
+are provided by them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+THE CONDUCT OF A WEDDING
+
+
+IN cities at present the most fashionable hour for the ceremony is
+"high noon," following the English custom, and in remembrance of the
+long-standing tradition which placed the wedding early in the day,
+before the night's fast had been broken.
+
+The afternoon is a suitable time, as it enables friends to gather more
+conveniently from the distance, and as the reception with refreshments
+is much more easily arranged for than is a breakfast. For an afternoon
+wedding, three o'clock is the proper hour in the winter, four o'clock
+in the summer.
+
+The evening was at one period the fashionable time, and it still
+retains its popularity and long will among the middle class of people
+and in the country, because a larger gathering of friends can be
+expected at that time, as all are free from business and household
+cares.
+
+
+_The Church Wedding_
+
+For the church wedding special arrangements must be made for the
+seating of the guests. A certain number of pews in the center front
+of the church are reserved for the families and intimate friends of
+the bride and bridegroom. The reservation is indicated by a broad
+white ribbon barrier across the aisle, or a garland of flowers. The
+family of the bride is seated on one side of the aisle, and that of
+the bridegroom on the other.
+
+The ushers should be at the church at least a half-hour before the
+guests begin to arrive. They wear small buttonhole bouquets of flowers
+like those used in the decorations of the church, which are sent them
+there by the florist.
+
+In seating the guests they should take great care to seat in the
+reserved space only those whose names are on the list given them as
+belonging there. Therefore, they ask the name of each guest whom they
+do not know before assigning him his seat. Sometimes, however, each of
+these special guests is provided with a card which he gives to the
+usher.
+
+When a gentleman and lady enter the church together, the usher offers
+his right arm to the lady, and the gentleman follows them as they
+proceed down the aisle. When several ladies arrive together, the usher
+offers his arm to the eldest, and requests the others to follow as he
+conducts her to her seat.
+
+Each usher asks of each guest whether he is friend of the bride or
+bridegroom, and seats him accordingly, upon the left of the church if
+a friend of the bride, upon the right if a friend of the groom. In
+case the bridegroom is from the distance, and therefore there are few
+of his friends present, this custom is not followed.
+
+Immediately before the bridal party appears, the mother of the bride
+is escorted by the head usher to a seat in the front pew. Any sisters
+or brothers of the bride who may not be in the bridal procession enter
+with their mother.
+
+Meanwhile the bridal party has been gathering, the bridesmaids going
+to the home of the bride and there receiving from her their bouquets,
+which are the gift of the bridegroom. Thence they take carriages to
+the church, where they all arrive at the hour set for the ceremony.
+When the first carriage arrives, containing two of the
+bridesmaids,--as the carriage of the bride and her father is the
+last,--the head usher closes the inner vestibule door, and the other
+ushers see that all entrance at side doors is barred. When the bride
+arrives the outer street doors are closed, and the procession forms.
+Two of the ushers have already carried the broad white ribbon down the
+sides of the main aisle, thus shutting in the pews, and have taken
+down the ribbon barrier across it.
+
+The bridegroom and his best man have come in a carriage by themselves
+and entered the church by the vestry door. They and the clergyman
+await the notice of the bride's arrival.
+
+The organist, who has been playing appropriate selections while the
+guests were assembling, begins on the wedding march as the doors to
+the church are thrown open in signal that all is in readiness. The
+audience rises. The clergyman takes his place, and the bridgegroom and
+best man enter, the former standing at the clergyman's left, the
+latter just behind the bridegroom, who is facing the aisle down which
+the bride will come.
+
+First come the ushers, two and two, keeping pace with the time of the
+music, which is a stately, dignified march. The bridesmaids follow,
+also two and two, with about six feet of space between each couple.
+The maid of honor alone, or the maid and matron of honor together,
+then come. The flower girl, or flower children follow, scattering
+flowers from a basket hung upon the left arm.
+
+Then come the bride and her father, or nearest male relative, she with
+downcast eyes and leaning upon his right arm.
+
+The procession divides as it reaches a spot opposite the place where
+the bride and bridegroom are to stand, or, in an Episcopal church, the
+top of the chancel steps; half go to the right and half to the left.
+The bridesmaids stand between the ushers, all being grouped in a
+semicircle. The maid of honor stands at the left, in front of the
+bridesmaids and near the bride.
+
+The bridegroom advances to meet the bride, who leaves her father and
+takes the bridegroom's hand, then accepts his left arm and is escorted
+by him to a position in front of the clergyman. The couple kneel for a
+moment before the ceremony begins.
+
+At the place in the ceremony where the question is asked, "Who giveth
+this woman to be married to this man?" the father, who has been
+standing a few feet back, advances and places the bride's right hand
+in that of the clergyman, who places it in the right hand of the
+bridegroom. The father then takes his seat in the front pew with his
+wife, whom, as they leave the church, he escorts.
+
+Should a widowed mother be the only one to respond to this inquiry,
+she simply rises from her seat and bows. In such a case the bridegroom
+usually enters with the bride, and the procession is less elaborate.
+
+When the troth is being plighted and the ring is about to be given,
+the best man hands it to the bridegroom, who passes it to the bride.
+She hands it to the clergyman, who returns it to the bridegroom. Then
+the latter places it upon the third finger of the bride's left hand.
+The significance of the passing of the ring is that it completes a
+circle, the symbol of eternity, of which the clergyman is one, thus
+symbolizing the sanction of the church.
+
+After the ceremony the clergyman congratulates the newly wedded
+couple, and the bride takes the right arm of her husband, walking thus
+down the aisle, the bridal party following in reverse order, the
+ushers therefore last. Even at a stately church ceremonial it has been
+known for the bride to stop and kiss her mother before passing down
+the aisle.
+
+The duties of the maid of honor during the service are to take from
+the bride her glove and bouquet as the clergyman asks the bride and
+bridegroom to join hands. Then it is her care to remove the veil from
+before the face of the bride when the ceremony is over, and to turn
+the train of her gown that it may fall rightly as she passes up the
+aisle.
+
+Occasionally when there are two main aisles to the church, the bridal
+procession enters on the one amid the friends of the bride, and
+returns on that amid the friends of the groom, to signify that the
+bride has now become one of them.
+
+The best man follows the clergyman to the vestry, hands him the fee,
+if the groom had not before done so, and passes down the side aisle to
+signal for the bridal carriage, and to give the bridegroom his hat and
+coat. He then goes to the bride's house, where he assists the ushers
+in introducing the guests to the pair.
+
+The organist starts up a very joyous march at the conclusion of the
+ceremony, and continues playing while the guests are dispersing.
+
+Following the bridal procession the families and intimate friends of
+the couple pass out before the audience, as the ribbon barriers which
+reserve the aisle are not taken down until all have passed out. If the
+reception is at the home, this gives the bridal party time to enter
+the carriages; if the reception is in the church parlors, it gives
+time for them to take their places in the receiving line.
+
+At the bride's home there is now time, before the guests arrive, for
+all of the bridal party to congratulate and felicitate the bride and
+bridegroom, and also to sign after them the register of the marriage,
+which is in the care of the best man. This is usually in the form of a
+book bound in white, with the initials of the bride and bridegroom
+embossed upon it, and opportunity is usually given for the wedding
+guests to add their signatures also.
+
+The bride's mother, who is the real hostess of the occasion, stands
+near the entrance of the room in which the reception is held. In a
+receiving line at the head of the room stand the bride and bridegroom
+with half of the bridesmaids ranged on the bride's right and the
+other half on the groom's left. The parents of the groom stand near
+and the father of the bride with them or with his wife, as host. The
+ushers present the guests to the bride and bridegroom, and then to
+their parents, as guests of honor. A few words of congratulation to
+the bridegroom and of best wishes to the bride are all that the few
+moments possible for each guest permit. The bride offers her hand to
+each guest, and presents to her husband her friends, as he does his to
+her.
+
+
+_The Home Wedding_
+
+The home wedding may be made in every way quite as ideal as the church
+wedding, and is much more simple, its privacy appealing to many. The
+house will be decorated with flowers in good taste and not too great
+profusion. Usually a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage is erected
+at the head of the drawing-room. This should not be too massive, as
+only a special grouping of the flowers is preferable to an arrangement
+which is too crowded or shaded.
+
+As the guests arrive the mother and sisters of the bride receive them.
+The father of the bride does not appear, nor, of course, does the
+bride, until they enter together. A room is placed at the disposal of
+the bridegroom, the best man, and the clergyman.
+
+At the stroke of the hour appointed, the clergyman enters and takes
+his stand facing the company. The bridegroom and best man also enter
+and stand at the left of the clergyman, the best man somewhat behind.
+As in a church wedding, the broad white ribbon is used to mark the
+aisle. If bouquets are attached to the ends of it, they will hold it
+in place.
+
+Then from the farthest corner of the room enters the bridal
+procession, formed as for a church wedding.
+
+At a simple house wedding there are often no attendants, the bride and
+bridegroom entering the room together, the bride's father having taken
+his position near at hand, where he can readily respond at the right
+moment.
+
+Another way of forming the procession, which has all the advantages of
+the more elaborate one, is for the best man to follow the ushers, then
+the one bridesmaid to enter immediately preceding the bride and
+bridegroom.
+
+Music is often dispensed with at a home wedding.
+
+When the ceremony is over the clergyman congratulates the couple and
+withdraws, and they, turning, face their friends, who then come to
+wish them happiness.
+
+Whether the wedding take place in the home or at the church, the
+bridal pageant has only one object in view,--it is wholly for the
+sake of the bridegroom. Every woman desires to come to her husband in
+all the glory of her womanhood and of her social position. By all
+custom the bridegroom does not see his bride upon the wedding day
+until she approaches him as he stands at the altar. So, with her
+family doing her the utmost honor that they can, she comes to him,
+bringing all that she has and is, and placing herself and her future
+in his care. The coming is just as real, however, though the utmost
+simplicity prevail.
+
+Back of all the minute detail of wedding custom there is a symbolism.
+With the constant elevation of the standards of marriage, this
+symbolism and these customs grow purer and more in accord with the
+ideals. Just as it is always taken for granted that a marriage
+ceremony is uniting loving hearts, so little by little all that is at
+variance with that thought will drop away, as have already several
+minor details, and new forms and customs more in harmony with the new
+ideals take the place of the old. These changes, however, come very
+gradually, and should not be hastened, but should only keep pace with
+the new conceptions. Nevertheless, there should not be too tenacious a
+clinging to the old forms, which expressed lower conceptions, when the
+masterly thought of the day is forging out higher and purer ideals of
+marriage.
+
+
+_The Wedding Breakfast_
+
+The wedding breakfast is the name given to the refreshments which
+follow the noon wedding. It is usually given when there are but few
+relatives and intimate friends, because it is an expensive feast if
+large numbers are invited. It is really a dinner, served in courses,
+at numerous small tables, each with a complete dinner service. One
+large table, placed in the center of the room or elsewhere
+conspicuously, is reserved for the bridal party.
+
+The menu usually consists of "fruit, raw oysters, bouillon, fish or
+lobster in some fancy form, an entrée, birds and salad, ices, cakes,
+bonbons, and coffee," according to one recognized authority. Or it may
+be much simpler, and include only oysters or bouillon, sandwiches and
+salad, ices, cakes, and coffee.
+
+Usually some punch is served in which to pledge the bride and
+bridegroom. If wine is used, champagne is customary for weddings.
+
+The caterer usually supplies all the necessities for the wedding
+feast, even to china, linen, silver, candelabra, and flowers, should
+the bride's parents so wish.
+
+At the wedding reception, after the congratulations and greetings are
+over, and the breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead
+the way to the dining-room. Then comes the bride's father with the
+groom's mother. The bridegroom's father follows with some member of
+the bride's family, then come the best man and the maid of honor. The
+ushers and bridesmaids pair off, and other members of the bridal party
+or of the two families follow in pairs. Lastly, as hostess of the
+occasion, comes the bride's mother, with the officiating clergyman, or
+the senior and highest in rank of the clergymen, if there be more than
+one, as guest of honor.
+
+The rest of the guests, who are not seated at the bridal table, find
+their seats as they choose, with friends, no place cards being used.
+
+For an afternoon or evening reception the refreshments are served as
+for any reception. A large table in the dining-room is decorated with
+flowers and piled with the edibles, which are served by the waiters to
+the guests as they enter. The variety of food depends wholly upon the
+resources of the bride's parents and the size and elaborateness of the
+wedding. Many prefer a simple repast as the hour is unusual for a
+meal, and a dinner is not to be served.
+
+When the bride and bridegroom enter and are served, the best man
+proposes a toast to their health and happiness, and all present stand,
+glass in hand, and pledge them.
+
+At a wedding breakfast the English custom is to have toasts and
+speeches, but it is not followed largely in this country. Where it is,
+usually at a small wedding party, the father of the bridegroom or the
+best man proposes the health of the bride and bridegroom. The father
+of the bride responds. Sometimes the bridegroom is called on to
+respond to this toast, which he does, proposing in turn the health of
+the bridesmaids. To this the best man responds.
+
+The wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake, which is at its best only
+when made months in advance and kept in a stone crock well covered.
+This is finely frosted and ornamented.
+
+At the close of the wedding breakfast the wedding cake is set before
+the bride, who cuts the first slice from it. It is then passed to the
+others.
+
+At a large wedding, where no breakfast is served, the wedding cake is
+usually cut into small pieces and placed in white boxes, which are
+decorated with the initials of the bride and bridegroom and are tied
+with white ribbon. These are placed upon a table in the hall near the
+door and the guests either each take one as he leaves, or one is
+handed him by a servant.
+
+Sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put away in a tin box and
+sealed, to be opened by the couple on some future anniversary.
+
+The wedding cake is distinct from the bride's cake, which may be
+served by the latter at a dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more
+before the wedding, and in which a thimble, a coin, and a ring are
+hidden. The superstition is that the young women who by chance receive
+the slices containing these are respectively destined for a future of
+single blessedness, wealth, or domestic bliss.
+
+At a reception the larger number of the guests depart before the
+bridal couple go to the dining-room. As soon as refreshments are
+served them, and the toast to them has been drunk, they retire to don
+suits for traveling. The bridegroom waits for the bride at the foot of
+the staircase, and the bridesmaids gather there too, as when she
+comes, she throws her bridal bouquet among them, and the bridesmaid
+who catches it will be the next bride, according to an old
+superstition.
+
+As the outer door is opened to let the couple out, all the friends and
+relatives present throw flowers or confetti or rice after them, for
+good luck, and an old white slipper is thrown after the carriage as
+they drive off. The custom of thus showering the departing couple has
+been sometimes carried to such an extreme that many refrain from it.
+Rice is somewhat dangerous, and confetti is so distinctive as
+frequently to cause embarrassment when in a public train or station.
+Flowers may appropriately be used, and are always at hand in the
+decorations of the home.
+
+
+_The Wedding Journey_
+
+The wedding journey is the bride and bridegroom's affair, and the
+knowledge of it is kept their secret and divulged only to the best
+man, who probably helps arrange for it, and to the father and mother
+of the bride, and they all are silent about it. The intrusion of even
+intimate friends upon such a trip is not considered good form.
+
+The custom of taking a journey at this time is not so rigidly observed
+as it used to be, many young couples preferring to go direct to their
+new home, or to a quiet country house for the honeymoon.
+
+The real wishes of the couple should be followed out at this time,
+because they are now more free from social obligations than they will
+be later, and a wise start upon married life is of all things most
+desirable and necessary.
+
+
+_Wedding Fee_
+
+The fee should be placed in an envelope or purse, and given to the
+clergyman by the best man or some friend of the bridegroom, just
+before or just after the ceremony, as may be most convenient. It is
+sometimes handed to the clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of
+the ceremony and before the couple turn away from the altar. It should
+be always given quietly, privately, and with no display or comment.
+
+The clergyman does not examine the fee or comment upon it, other than
+indicating his acceptance.
+
+The size of the fee is a matter of individual taste. Because it is
+unostentatiously given, its size is known only to the bridegroom and
+the clergyman, and to none others unless they wish to tell. There are
+some people in fashionable circles who employ a minister only at
+marriages and funerals, and who labor under the impression that they
+are objects of charity and that by them even the small favor is always
+thankfully received. No one thing so denotes the degree of real
+refinement in a man as the fee he offers the clergyman for marrying
+him. The clergyman is one of the three principals in the marriage
+ceremony. The great majority of brides desire that their marriage
+should have the sanction and benediction of the religious body with
+which they worship, or which has standing in their community and among
+their people. At the very least, in the civil marriage, without a
+third party to represent either church or state a marriage ceremony
+and therefore a legalized marriage is impossible. The third principal
+is therefore an important part of the affair. To treat him shabbily in
+any way denotes no real appreciation of his presence. So it is that
+the true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome fee to him, if his
+means permit it, as he is to give to his bride something which shall
+delight and please her, and which shall symbolize his appreciation of
+the gift of herself. The bridegroom's offering to the clergyman is
+indeed the touchstone of his refinement. Wedding fees vary from five
+to a thousand dollars, the usual amount being twenty-five dollars for
+the fairly affluent.
+
+
+_Wedding Presents_
+
+So extreme has become the custom of sending wedding presents that it
+is perhaps necessary to remind those who really desire to do the
+correct thing, that a perfunctory service, or gift, or courtesy has no
+intrinsic value, and the omission of it would often be far more
+satisfactory than its bestowal.
+
+The usual form of wedding gift is something of use and ornament for
+the new house. Silver, linen, cut glass, or china for the dining-room,
+furniture, rugs, lamps, clocks, vases, books, and pictures, or
+bric-a-brac for the rest of the house, are all appropriate.
+
+If silver is given, it should not be marked, as the bride may have
+duplicates and prefer to exchange some pieces for others, or as she
+may have a special form of engraving which she prefers. The exchange
+of a gift, however, removes from it the personal thought of the giver,
+and makes its acceptance more a matter of mercenary than of friendly
+interest. If, however, such exchange is made at the suggestion or with
+the approval of the giver, it still remains a personal gift. The
+indefinite way in which many people choose wedding gifts for their
+friends, following only the conventional ideas of what is suitable,
+has taken a great deal of personal interest from the gift at the very
+first.
+
+The wedding gift should be a real gift in spirit, something expressive
+of the giver's good wishes, and something which the bride and
+bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its worth to them. Foolish
+things, whether expensive or not, have no real utility or beauty, and
+have always the atmosphere of insult about them, or else always
+reflect upon the intelligence of the giver.
+
+A bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon as they are received, and
+before her wedding day if possible. Spontaneous rather than
+stereotyped notes of thanks are preferable. They should show
+appreciation of the gift, and include the name of the bridegroom-elect
+in her expression of their gratitude. A bride should remember that
+too elaborate notes, which are a grave tax on her strength or time in
+the busy days preceding a wedding, are unwise, as is any other
+unnecessary expenditure of energy.
+
+It is never obligatory to send a wedding present. The wedding
+announcement and wedding invitation are equally suggestive of such
+gifts, for in either case, whether one is invited to the ceremony or
+not, one is perfectly free to do as he pleases about conferring a
+gift.
+
+
+_The Country Wedding_
+
+There is an especial attractiveness and simplicity about the out-door
+wedding in the country, for those who desire to get rid of the
+conventional and artificial. Such a wedding is, of course, a day
+wedding. The late afternoon might be chosen, but the twilight never.
+The weather must be warm.
+
+A secluded corner in the garden, the shade of some stately tree on the
+lawn, or the flowery seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive
+chancels for the ceremony.
+
+The grass should be cut close, and all leaves and débris swept away.
+
+Somewhat removed from the place of the ceremony, but still on the lawn
+or piazza, small tables and chairs may be placed in groups, and
+refreshments served out of doors also.
+
+The simplicity and homelike yet solemn atmosphere of a wedding in a
+country church appeal to many. There much of the formality of a city
+church wedding may be dispensed with, and yet the whole of the
+religious spirit, which should attend a church wedding, and indeed any
+wedding, be retained. The country church lends itself more aptly to
+those private weddings where the bridal party, whether small or large,
+are the only spectators, than does the large city church. The sense of
+exclusiveness is preserved without the great sense of bareness and
+emptiness.
+
+To many the private church wedding appeals with great force. The
+religious and sacramental nature of the ceremony is emphasized,
+without the pomp and display of the public service. Such a wedding
+usually takes place in the daytime rather than in the evening.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN
+
+
+ONE may be taught self-restraint and unselfish consideration for
+others at so early an age that such virtues become habitual, and minor
+maxims are to a large extent unnecessary. Of course, the child will
+still have to be shown the various ways in which he can show
+consideration, but he will quite frequently do of himself those acts
+which make for the comfort and well-being of others.
+
+Habits of deference to elders spring from more complex motives, and
+the training in them may have to be more persistent and rigorous. Boys
+should be taught to take off their caps to their elders, both in the
+family and in the circle of friends, when they meet them on the
+street. They should rise when ladies enter the room, and remain
+standing until all are seated.
+
+An important part in a child's bringing up is to teach him to put away
+his own garments and to clear up after his play or work. If this is
+instilled early into the child, there will never be any need of the
+pain of counteracting slovenliness, and also never any of that
+disagreeable haughtiness toward servants, which is fostered by nothing
+so much as by the inch-by-inch waiting upon a child.
+
+The child who has been made a companion of, and not repressed or
+driven away by the older people of the family, has a sort of
+instinctive respect for them, which, though it may overstep itself in
+some daring familiarity occasionally, is the basis of a strong
+authority over him. The child who has been spied on, and whose idea of
+all adults is that they are a sort of modified policemen, will show
+respect only under compulsion, and will fail in all those fine
+courtesies which the thoroughly well-bred child grows to delight in.
+
+Self-control and self-repression are equal virtues to be cultivated in
+the child. To permit the child to be indifferent and inattentive when
+one is trying to amuse or entertain, to be impatient to get at the end
+of a story or a game, to keep yawning; or making other expressions of
+weariness when being reproved or reprimanded, cultivates in the child
+a mental laziness which is as bad as its opposite,--parrot-like
+facility for chattering and asking questions, which gives a child no
+chance to think, and makes him develop into a man of only surface
+intelligence and thoughtless flippancy. Even a child can appreciate,
+if rightly taught, the motive back of a kind action, and can respect
+that even if the action does not interest him.
+
+On the other hand, it is a serious matter to allow a child to be
+constantly bored with lectures on his conduct, or even with efforts to
+amuse him. He should be let alone, thrown upon his own resources, and
+not permitted to be taxed beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but
+futile efforts on his behalf.
+
+Children should never be allowed to interrupt. For that reason
+parents, and those who have the care of children, should remember not
+to monopolize the conversation when there are children present, nor
+talk on and on for a long time, as no person, least of all a child,
+can follow such continuous talk without weariness.
+
+Children should be taught that thinking will answer most of their
+questions for them, that they should wait and see if the answer will
+not be given by something that is said later on. Every effort made to
+drive the thought of a loquacious child back upon itself is an effort
+in the right direction; just as every effort made to express and
+reveal the thought of an imaginative child is much to the latter's
+benefit.
+
+The sayings of a child should never be quoted in his presence, nor his
+doings related. He becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby.
+
+A child should be taught to respect the rights of the father and
+mother to the easiest chairs in the room, or those which they may
+prefer, and should leave those chairs vacant until the father and
+mother are seated elsewhere.
+
+The boy who has been brought up at home, both by precept and by his
+father's example, never to seat himself at the dining table or in the
+family sitting-room until his mother is seated, will not need to be
+told that he should rise in a crowded street car and give his seat to
+an elderly woman. He will do it so instinctively that it will not be a
+burden,--indeed, the regret would be more keen if he could not do it.
+
+If children are present at the dining table, it is wiser to help them
+first, and the grown people last, than the reverse. In everything it
+is well to follow the etiquette of adult life, as, for instance, by
+helping the girls before the boys.
+
+Children should be taught to be punctual at meals, not simply for the
+sake of health, but out of consideration for the cook and for those
+who might otherwise be obliged to wait for them. They should not be
+allowed to hurry through a meal because of their impatience to get at
+play, although they may be wisely excused when they are quite through.
+There is no value in making them the bored, squirming, or subdued
+listeners to conversation quite beyond their comprehension or
+interest. They should be taught to eat leisurely, and to regard the
+mealtime as a chance to talk with their parents about interesting
+things, and not simply as a time to be shortened and slighted if
+possible.
+
+Usually the child's first rigid lesson in punctuality comes at the
+beginning of school life. Then, most profitably, may be cultivated a
+sense of the rights of others, and of his individual responsibility
+toward the social group, represented for him by his teacher and
+schoolmates. If the emphasis is rightly laid upon the necessity of his
+not delaying the work of his classmates and teacher, he will naturally
+find many ways in which he may apply the same thought, greatly to his
+own advantage and to theirs as well, and to the permanent
+strengthening of his habits of work.
+
+A keen sense of social oneness may also prevent the too frequent
+heart-burnings among shy and sensitive children. This is as easily
+cultivated as is the opposite, and is of great importance both in
+childhood and in later life. The seeming injustice of the teacher may
+often be made clear, and seen to be just, when the welfare of the
+whole school is taken into consideration. This is a matter of the
+natural enlargement of the child's mental horizon, and if the proper
+spirit has been fostered, the child will welcome it. Should it be done
+carefully and wisely, the roots of many social weeds will at once be
+eliminated.
+
+Fault-finding should be discouraged in school and at home. It is never
+the best method of fault correction, and should not be countenanced.
+
+The bringing home of tales of the teacher and of schoolmates, in a
+spirit of complaint, should not be permitted. Pleasant accounts of
+happenings at school should be encouraged, but grumbling against
+rules, as well as personal gossip, should not be permitted. The
+authority of the home must support the authority of the school or the
+child will nowhere receive that discipline and training which he needs
+in order to meet the experiences of life.
+
+The child should be allowed a certain sum of money, which, even in the
+most lavish homes, should be a little under what the wants of the
+child require. The giving of this money should be done regularly at a
+stated time, and there should never be any extra giving, or increase
+of the usual sum, except under very unusual circumstances, which
+should not be allowed to happen more than once a year.
+
+The child should also be held accountable for his money. If he is old
+enough to have any money, or to spend any, he is old enough to tell
+how he spent it, even to the last penny. Unless all is accounted for,
+the habits of accuracy and care are not formed. The record of this
+should be written down, even if done very simply and without special
+form, and later, as the child grows older, more conventional forms of
+bookkeeping should be required.
+
+It should be also required that there be some saving, which is
+preferably a certain proportion of the whole, this for a beginning to
+which to add extra sums as the child may wish. This saved sum should
+be permanently put by, and drawing from it should not be permitted. It
+may be transferred to a bank at long intervals, always by the child
+himself, and his pride in doing it and keeping it there should be
+cultivated.
+
+These matters may all be made a game and sheer fun. Their grave
+importance is apparent on every hand. For the child which has been
+taught early to do these things, will do them with such ease as to
+make it seem instinctive, and the child who does it will never, under
+any ordinary circumstances, come to want.
+
+The proper behavior in church should be taught rather by trying to
+inculcate the spirit of worship than by making rules to be followed. A
+child is very susceptible to impressiveness of any sort, and if the
+reason for it is made clear to him, he will be quicker to respond to
+it by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an older person. Even
+the obstreperous child is at least temporarily impressed, if he sees
+that others are, and if he knows the reason for it.
+
+Children should realize that it is their privilege and duty to serve
+guests, whether their own or their parents. The sacrifice of one's own
+comfort for the sake of the guest takes, with a child, the form of a
+sort of play, usually because of the excitement of the arrival of a
+stranger, and the possibilities of fun in the enjoyment of the
+stranger's stay.
+
+The child should be taught respect for the guest's person, and should
+not be allowed to take the same liberties with a gown or a glove that
+sometimes the mother or aunts permit, no matter how great the novelty
+of the texture or how it appeals to the child's sense of beauty. The
+privileges of being a guest should be always duly respected, and the
+child be thus taught at once his duty as a host and his position as a
+guest.
+
+Children should never be allowed to play with a visitor's hat or cane,
+or handle furniture or ornaments in a strange house, or show by
+ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a child, in unaccustomed
+surroundings, naturally feels. They can be taught so great a respect
+for the possessions of others that they would become able to stifle
+their curiosity, or express it only at a fitting time.
+
+Children should not be sent to the drawing-room to entertain
+visitors, unless the visitors request it themselves. Nor should they
+be allowed to be troublesome to visitors or guests at any time, any
+more than servants should be allowed to be insolent. They should never
+be allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests, nor to visit them
+often or long.
+
+Children should not be permitted to enter into the pleasures of their
+elders when, to do so, would be to spoil the kind of sociability for
+which the occasion was intended. At all formal functions, children are
+out of place. When making formal calls, children are usually in the
+way, and the silent part they are forced to play is disagreeable for
+them. They are also out of place at a funeral, or in a cemetery, or
+anywhere that there is mourning. It is an injury to a child to see
+grief,--unless it be his great concern, and in that case it is no
+longer a matter of etiquette, but of necessary life experience.
+
+Children should not dine out except by special invitation. It is as
+discourteous to permit a child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a
+neighbor, as it is wrong for the child to think that such uninvited
+visits are permissible.
+
+A child should be taught never to touch what does not belong to it,
+except with the express permission of the owner. This applies to goods
+in a store, as well as to the furniture of places other than his
+home, and to the belongings of others in his home.
+
+A child should not be allowed to intrude into a drive, a walk, a call,
+or a conversation. It is unfair to the child, and awkward for him, and
+is no kindness, as it takes away the benefit which he might otherwise
+derive from the pleasure either by continually snubbing his
+self-respect, or by repressing his energy and curiosity to the danger
+point.
+
+Children should not be allowed to go to picnic parties, unless they
+have been invited and entertainment prepared for them.
+
+Children should be taught to treat servants with all the politeness
+with which they treat their elders, and with much more consideration.
+The converse of the servants with children should be of the same
+careful and pleasant quality that the best parents use and desire.
+This may well be insisted upon. On the other hand, the children should
+be taught that servants are busy people, that they should never be
+imposed upon, and that unnecessary work should not be made for them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING
+
+
+UPON the occasion of a death in the family a reliable undertaker is at
+once notified and his suggestions followed as to the necessary
+preparations to be made for the funeral.
+
+The shades are drawn throughout the front of the house, as a sign that
+the family is in retirement. The women of the family are not seen upon
+the street unless necessary, the men taking full charge of all
+business matters. The directions which the undertaker desires should
+be decided upon by the family, or nearest relative of the deceased,
+and then some one member of the family should be delegated to see that
+they are carried out. Palm leaves tied with ribbon or chiffon, spray
+bouquets of white flowers tied with ribbon, an ivy wreath broken with
+a bunch of purple everlasting, are much preferred to crape upon the
+door.
+
+Press notices of the funeral and death should be sent to the
+newspapers. The conduct of the funeral should be arranged with the
+clergyman chosen to officiate, the superintendent of the cemetery
+consulted (usually through the undertaker), and the notes of request
+sent to those chosen to act as pallbearers. Sometimes the latter are
+purely honorary, the undertaker furnishing the bearers. The honor is
+usually given to intimate family friends, or close business associates
+in case of a business man.
+
+A carriage is always provided for the clergyman, and he is entitled to
+a fee, although clergymen do not charge it, either at a home or church
+funeral. If the service is held at a church, the sexton, organist and
+singers,--and the singers at a home funeral as well,--are entitled to
+recompense for their services.
+
+Carriages are sent for the pallbearers, and are also provided to
+convey the family, and as many of the friends as may be invited to go,
+to the cemetery.
+
+One may announce in the newspaper "Burial private," in which case it
+is understood that only the family attend at the grave; or "No
+flowers" if the family wish the usual sending of flowers dispensed
+with.
+
+The clergyman usually consults the wishes of the family as to the form
+of service, the hymns or music, and remarks. The funeral service
+should be brief, and preferably a ritual service with no sermon or
+eulogy. The last are usually harrowing to the feelings of the
+mourners, and there should be every reasonable effort made to relieve
+the tension of the occasion, for the sake of the living.
+
+At a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the first pews at the left
+of the center aisle; the family in those to the right. At a home
+funeral it is customary to have the family in some secluded room near
+the one where the coffin is placed and to have the clergyman stand in
+the hall between, or at the entrance of the drawing-room, where he may
+be readily heard by all.
+
+If the service at the grave immediately follows the funeral the house
+should meanwhile be aired, the shades lifted, the flowers all sent
+away to some hospital, and the rooms arranged in the usual way.
+
+Before a funeral at the home, it is necessary for some member of the
+family to receive the relatives from the distance, and the very
+intimate friends, and see that they are given necessary refreshment,
+and their return to trains, if they must leave immediately after the
+funeral, thoroughly understood by the hackmen.
+
+At a home funeral the singers should be somewhat distant from the
+family, so that the music is not loud.
+
+The members of the family are dressed in hats and veils ready to enter
+the carriages, before the service. They pass to view the body,--if,
+according to a former custom, the casket is left open,--last of all,
+and enter the last carriage before that of the pallbearers, which
+immediately precedes the hearse.
+
+In sending flowers to a funeral, one's card is enclosed. There should
+be no slightest sense of obligation in the sending of flowers, and
+each piece should represent only real sympathy or respect.
+
+The putting on of black garments as a sign that one has lost a near
+relative has been much modified by the good sense of the people, and
+the period of mourning shortened, especially in England. In stating
+the accepted mourning custom, the moderate observance of it has been
+given, both extremes being ignored.
+
+Crape is the quality of goods most closely allied with mourning. Black
+dresses trimmed with black crape are usually worn for the first few
+months by women who have lost a near relative. The black veil worn by
+widows is now of moderate length, and usually not of the very thick
+material which was once in vogue. A ruche of white is now placed just
+inside the bonnet, which relieves the black effect somewhat. Black
+furs and sealskins are worn with mourning.
+
+The English fashion of six months of the deepest mourning and six
+months of secondary is meeting with more and more approval in this
+country, although for a close relative a year is the first period and
+six months the second.
+
+One who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six
+months; after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical,
+but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn.
+
+During the mourning period, black-bordered stationery is used. The
+border on paper and envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch for
+a close relative and half that for a more distant one, or during the
+secondary period of mourning, if one cares to make the change. The
+personal visiting card has a black border during this time.
+
+The handkerchief is bordered with narrow black, or is of
+narrow-bordered, plain, sheer linen.
+
+For relatives-in-law it is not customary to put on black, although for
+a father- or mother-in-law it is customary, in the best society, to
+dress nearly as for an own father or mother.
+
+A widower wears a complete suit of black, white linen, dull-black silk
+neckties, dull-black leather shoes, black gloves, and a black ribbon
+of broader width upon his hat.
+
+The mourning band sewed upon the coat sleeve is a discredited form of
+mourning. It does not denote the nearness of the loss, and has only
+the virtue of cheapness for those who cannot afford to show marked
+respect to the dead.
+
+Men do not observe the custom of withdrawing from society for as long
+a time as do the women, but usually reappear at the homes of intimate
+friends, at public places of entertainment, and at the club after two
+or three months. As long as the mourning band is worn upon the hat,
+however, no man should attend large and fashionable functions, as
+dinner or dancing parties, or the theater.
+
+After six months a woman may resume calling, returning the calls of
+those who called upon her in the early weeks of her bereavement.
+
+Children of fifteen years of age and under should not wear mourning.
+
+The viewing of the body of the deceased as it lies in the casket is
+the privilege of only the family and the immediate friends, and should
+not be requested by others. Therefore, the casket is now usually
+closed before the funeral service, especially if that be at a church.
+In case of a man in public office, it is sometimes necessary that the
+body should lie in state for certain hours, when the public may pay
+their respects.
+
+Punctuality is very necessary in regard to everything connected with a
+funeral service, as the overwrought nerves of those who are sorrowing
+should not be taxed to bear any extra tension.
+
+Within ten days after the funeral, a card of thanks for sympathy
+should be sent to all who have called upon the family or sent flowers
+or offered their services in any way.
+
+When one is in mourning, one does not attend a wedding reception,
+though one may be present at the ceremony. Black should not be worn.
+
+Mourners announce their return to society by sending out their cards
+to friends and acquaintances.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+MILITARY, NAVAL, AND FLAG ETIQUETTE
+
+
+THE social usage in respect to military or naval officers follows
+ordinarily the customs of formal occasions or occasions of state in
+civilian life, or is provided for in the instructions of the army and
+the navy, which the members of those two departments of the service
+would alone be expected to know. There are, however, one or two
+occasions where the etiquette of social life is, or may be, modified
+by the formalities due to these representatives of the Government.
+
+
+_The Formal Military Wedding_
+
+The church or formal home wedding where the bridegroom and his
+attendants are all army men, may have the distinctive feature of the
+arch of swords or bayonets. The bridegroom and the ushers, in that
+case, are all in full dress uniform. The bride and bridesmaids are
+dressed daintily and fluffily to afford contrast. The church should be
+decorated with palms and lilies, and with the national and the
+regimental flags in the chancel. As the organist begins the
+wedding-march, two color-bearers of the regiment, carrying one the
+national flag and the other the regimental colors, precede the
+bridegroom and the best man from the vestry. The latter take their
+usual places, and the color-bearers move to a position at either side
+of the chancel steps. After the ceremony, they move to the head of the
+aisle, and the ushers form a line to the foot of the chancel steps.
+The ushers then put on their caps, unsheathe their swords, or raise
+their bayonets, and form an arch with them. Under this arch pass the
+bride and bridegroom, and the bridesmaids. Then, sheathing their
+swords and removing their caps, the ushers fall into line at the end
+of the procession.
+
+
+_Naval and Yachting Usage_
+
+When one is the guest of the owners or the officers of a yacht, or of
+the officers of a government warship or other large vessel, it is well
+to know that in the lading of the gig for reaching and leaving the
+ship, the order of precedence is always as follows: Juniors in rank or
+official importance enter the gig first, and the one highest in rank
+immediately precedes the Captain, who is always the last to embark and
+the first to disembark. In leaving the gig, the order is reversed
+from that on entering it, the junior in rank thus being the last to
+leave the boat.
+
+
+_The Etiquette of the Flag_
+
+The flag is displayed every day only on government buildings and
+schoolhouses. On state holidays, and like commemorative days when it
+is customary for the flag to be displayed on private buildings, it
+should be raised at sunrise and lowered at sunset. It should not be
+displayed on stormy days, nor left out over night. It should never be
+allowed to touch the ground. When it is to be displayed at half-mast
+only, it should be raised to the tip of the staff and then lowered
+halfway. It should never be festooned or draped, but always be hung
+flat.
+
+On Memorial Day, May 30, the flag should be displayed at half-mast
+until twelve o'clock noon, and then raised to the top of the staff
+until sunset. The salute for the changing of the position of the flag
+at all army posts and stations having artillery, is as follows:
+immediately before noon, the band plays some appropriate air, and at
+the stroke of twelve the national salute of twenty-one guns is fired.
+After this the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff, while
+everybody stands at attention, with hand raised to the forehead ready
+for the salute. When the colors reach the top, the salute is given,
+and the band plays patriotic airs.
+
+The salute to the flag is used at its formal raising, and when it
+passes on parade or in review. The hand salute according to the
+regulations of the United States Army is as follows:
+
+"Standing at attention, raise the right hand to the forehead over the
+right eye, palm downward, fingers extended and close together, arm at
+an angle of forty-five degrees. Move hand outward about a foot, with a
+quick motion then drop to the side. When the colors are passing on
+parade or in review, the spectator should, if walking, halt, if
+sitting, arise, and stand at attention and uncover."
+
+In schools two forms of salute are taught. The first, for primary
+children, is: "We give our heads and our hearts to God and our
+country; one country, one land, one flag." The second, for all other
+pupils, is: "I pledge allegiance to my flag and to the Republic for
+which it stands: one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for
+all."
+
+When the flag is carried on parade, it is dipped in salute to the
+official who is reviewing the parade. Whenever the flag is displayed
+with other flags,--whether the colors of a regiment or other military
+organization, or of alien nations,--it should be placed, or carried,
+or crossed, at the right of the other flag or flags. When portrayed
+in illustrations by any process or for any purpose, it is so pictured
+that the staff will always be at the left and the fabric will float to
+the right.
+
+The chief regulations governing the composition of the flag are as
+follows: In the _field_ of the flag there should be thirteen
+horizontal stripes, alternating red and white, the first and the last
+stripes red. These stripes represent the thirteen original colonies.
+The colors red and white were chosen by George Washington, the red
+from the flag of England, the Mother Country, broken by the white,
+symbolizing liberty, to show the separation. The _union_ of the
+flag--white stars on a field of blue--should be seven stripes high,
+and about seven-tenths of the height of the flag in length. "The stars
+should have five points, with one point directly upward."[A] The stars
+symbolize the States. "By an act of Congress on October 26, 1912, the
+flag now has forty-eight stars, arranged in six horizontal rows of
+eight each."
+
+
+THE END
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[A] Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag."
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+
+  Abbreviations, 99, 113, 115
+  Absent-mindedness, 125
+  Acceptances, 112
+  Accidents at table, 154
+  Accounts for children, 219, 220
+  Acknowledgment of wedding gifts, 211
+  Addresses on cards, 100;
+    on envelopes, 60-66, 118;
+    on invitations, 114, 118
+  Addressing:
+    The President of the United States, 62, 63;
+    Vice President, 63;
+    Members of the Cabinet, 64;
+    Ambassadors, 63, 64;
+    Governors, 63;
+    Mayors, 63;
+    The King of England, 64;
+    Dukes, 65;
+    The Pope, 65;
+    Bishops and Archbishops, 65, 66;
+    strangers, 66, 67;
+    married women, 67
+  Addressing wedding invitations, 118
+  After-dinner speeches, 166
+  Afternoon tea, 145
+  Afternoon teas for the engaged girl, 180
+  Allowances for children, 219, 220
+  Amusement, places of, 122-124, 170
+  Anger, 8
+  Anniversaries, 40
+  Announcement of engagement, 179-181;
+    by newspaper notice, 179;
+    by personal note, 74
+  Announcements: engagement, 74, 179-181;
+    birth, 104, 105;
+    death, 224, 225;
+    marriage, 116;
+    postponements, 119, 120
+  Answering Letters, 76
+  Apology, 29, 31
+  Appearance, personal, 6, 10
+  Applauding, 124
+  Art of Being a Guest, The, 137-144
+  "At Home" days, 145, 146
+  "At Home" invitations of bridal couple, 116, 117
+  Attitude toward strangers, 132, 133, 135
+
+  Balls, 112
+  "Bal Poudre" invitations, 112
+  Beauty, 10, 15
+  Begging pardon, 29, 82, 130
+  Behavior in church, 124, 125;
+    public, 122-136
+  Best man, duties of, 8, 196-199, 201, 205, 208
+  Birth announcements, 104, 105
+  Birthday anniversaries, 41
+  Blank invitation, the, 109, 110
+  Bow, the, manner of, 78, 79;
+    significance of, 80-82
+  Breakfasts, 148, 149;
+    dress at, 12, 36;
+    menu of, 148;
+    wedding, 204-207
+  Bridal party:
+    at rehearsal, 191;
+    at "showers" and dinners, 181-183;
+    at church, 192
+  Bridal procession, formation of, 196, 202, 203;
+    at a church wedding, 197, 199;
+    at a home wedding, 202
+  Bridal "Showers," 181-183
+  Bridal veil, 190
+  Bridegroom's duties at ceremony, 196-199;
+    preparation of a home, 185;
+    share of expense of wedding, 186;
+    wedding outfit, 186, 187
+  Bridesmaid, duties of a, 8, 196-200
+  Business acquaintances, 129
+  Business cards, 100
+  Business, etiquette of, 83, 129
+  Business introductions by correspondence, 70
+  Business letters, 54, 55, 60
+  Business meetings, 123
+  Business training of a wife, 23
+  Business women, social life of, 171, 172
+
+  Cake:
+    wedding, 206;
+    bridal, 207
+  Calling upon one person, 93;
+    a guest, 93
+  Calls:
+    after entertainment, 90, 138;
+    by men, 92;
+    first, 94, 95;
+    formal, 90;
+    friendly, 90, 93;
+    obligations of, 91, 138;
+    upon brides, 94;
+    clergymen, 94;
+    government officials in Washington, 94;
+    newcomers, 94;
+    people of note, 94;
+    return of, 90, 95;
+    time of, 90
+  Candles, use of, 151
+  Card, The Personal, 96-105;
+    form of, 96, 105;
+    form of name on, 97, 98;
+    inscription of, 97-100;
+    titles on, 97, 100, 101;
+    use of, 102-105;
+    after change of residence, 103;
+    announcing a birth, 104, 105;
+    announcing a departure, 104;
+    leaving, 90, 91, 103;
+    of sympathy, 104;
+    of congratulation, 104;
+    presenting at calls, 91, 95, 102;
+    when visiting or traveling, 103, 131
+  Cards, Place, 152
+  Carriages for wedding, 193, 196;
+    for funeral, 226
+  Casual Meetings, 78-90
+  Chaperon, Duties of the, 169-173;
+    necessity of, 169;
+    in public, 169, 170;
+    at calls, 170, 172;
+    with the engaged couple, 173;
+    for the débutante, 172;
+    relations with one's, 172, 173;
+    at a dancing party, 139, 147
+  Character, 7
+  Children, Etiquette for, 214-223;
+    and mourning, 222;
+    and servants, 214, 223;
+    and visitors, 221, 222;
+    at the dining table, 217;
+    in church, 220
+  Church, attendance, 143;
+    behavior in, 124, 125;
+      of children, 220
+  Church weddings, public, 194, 213;
+    private, 213;
+    invitations, 114-119
+  Cleanliness, 14
+  Club dinners or receptions, 165, 166
+  Club invitations, 111
+  Club officers, 165
+  Conclusions of letters, 66, 70
+  Coffee, service of, 154
+  Condolence, letters of, 75, 76;
+    acknowledgment, 76, 120
+  Congratulations, 76
+  Conformity to custom, 203
+  Congresses, guests at, 167
+  Consideration on the part of a guest, 141-143
+  Convalescence, 45
+  Conversation, 16, 48-52;
+    at table, 35, 46
+  Correspondence, 52-55
+  Correspondence cards, 56
+  Country, entertainment in the, 161-164;
+    parties, 144, 164
+  Country wedding, 117, 212, 213
+  Courses at formal dinner, 157, 158
+  Courtesy, 2, 3, 4, 5, 18, 19, 20;
+    to servants, 45, 46, 47, 144;
+    to nurse and doctor, 45;
+    to invalids, 44
+  Cutlery, arrangement of, 152
+
+  Dancing Parties, 138, 139, 140;
+    invitations, 109-111
+  Daylight, use of, 149
+  Deaf persons, 32
+  Debate, 50, 51
+  Débutante and the chaperon, 169, 172
+  Decorations for wedding, 192
+  Deference to elders, 214
+  Dessert, service of, 154, 158
+  Dinners, 149-158;
+    announcement of, 155;
+    choice of guests, 150;
+    conversation at, 49, 150;
+    formal, 137, 149;
+    invitations to, 109, 150;
+    lighting of, 151;
+    menu of, 157, 158;
+    place cards for, 152;
+    retiring from, 156;
+    seating guests at, 151, 155, 156;
+    service of, 152, 153;
+    table-setting for, 151, 152
+  Discipline, 46, 47
+  Dress, 11, 36, 112, 128, 134, 140, 186-190
+  Dress for men:
+    afternoon, 13, 94;
+    early breakfast, 13;
+    formal breakfast, 13;
+    evening, 14, 156;
+    at weddings, 14, 186
+  Dress for women:
+    at home, 16;
+    ball, 13;
+    church, 12, 189;
+    dinner, 12, 13, 150, 155, 189;
+    formal breakfast, 12;
+    house party, 140;
+    luncheon, 12;
+    mourning, 13;
+    traveling, 130, 141;
+    visiting, 140;
+    wedding, 187-189;
+    as business woman, 15;
+    as hostess, 13;
+    as housewife, 16;
+    as milliner, 15
+  Driving, 127, 128
+  Duties of Host and Hostess, 145-168
+
+  Emerson, iv
+  Engaged couple, the:
+    at a dancing party, 139;
+    at home, 177;
+    duties to friends, 178;
+    in society, 177-179;
+    meeting each other's friends, 178, 179
+  Engagement announcements, 179-181
+  Engagement, The Broken, 183-185;
+    announcement of, 183, 184;
+    explanation of, 184
+  Engagements:
+    punctuality, 17, 32;
+    punctiliousness in keeping, 17
+  English customs of entertainment, 158, 159
+  Engraved Invitation, The, 105-121;
+    stock of, 105, 106;
+    type of, 106, 107, 108;
+    size of, 105, 106
+  Entering a room, 27
+  Entertainment, assisting in, 123, 124;
+    English customs of, 159;
+    for guests, 142, 162;
+    in the country, 163
+  Entertainment committees, duties of, 166
+  Envelopes, 118;
+    addressing, 59, 60, 61, 114, 118;
+    sealing, 59;
+    stamping, 59
+  Ethics, 1
+  Etiquette, an art, 2;
+    the end of, iii;
+    the need of, iii, 2;
+    The Rewards of, 1-5
+  Etiquette of Mourning, 224-230
+  Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement, The, 174-193
+
+  Family Etiquette, 20-47
+  Faults among women, 18
+  Fees, 144
+  Festivities, rural, 164
+  Finger bowls, 37
+  First Calls, 94, 95
+  Five o'clock tea, 145
+  Forms of wedding invitations, 114, 115;
+    announcements, 115, 116;
+    reception cards, 116, 117;
+    bridal "At Home" cards, 116, 117;
+    personal cards, 96-105;
+    dinner invitations, 109;
+    reception, 117; "At Home," 116, 117, 120;
+    party, 109;
+    New Year, 121
+  Forms of announcements of postponement, 119, 120;
+    gratitude for sympathy, 120
+  Friends, 21, 42-44
+
+  General Rules of Conduct, 26-33
+  Gifts, 40, 41, 42;
+    engagement, 181, 185;
+    for "showers," 181-183;
+    of bridegroom to bride, 186;
+    of bridegroom to ushers and bridesmaids, 186;
+    to servants, 144;
+    wedding, 210-213
+  Giving away the bride, 198
+  Gloves, 149, 151
+  Golden Rule, 2
+  Good-night formalities, 28;
+    at a reception, 138;
+    dancing party, 140;
+    dinner, 156
+  Graduations, 167, 168
+  Greeting guests at a luncheon, 149;
+    dinner, 156;
+    reception, 147
+  Greetings, 28, 78-83
+  Guest chamber, 160, 161
+  Guest, the art of being a, 137-144, 167
+  Guest:
+    at afternoon tea, 137, 138;
+    a congress, etc., 166, 167;
+    country house, 159;
+    dancing party, 138;
+    reception, 138;
+    wedding, 195, 196, 201
+  Guests, tardiness of, 155
+
+  Handshaking, 80, 82, 86, 87
+  Handwriting, 58
+  Haughtiness, 11
+  Home, founding the, 20-26
+  Home wedding, the, 201-203;
+    invitations, 115
+  Horseback riding, 128, 129
+  Hospitality, 145, 165-168
+  Hotel etiquette, 126, 127, 133-136;
+    dining-room civility, 135-136;
+    dress in, 134
+  House parties, 158, 159;
+    sports at, 163
+  Household management, 22
+  Host, duties of, 137, 166-168
+  Hostess, duties of, 127, 137
+
+  Illness, 44, 45
+  Impartiality, 30
+  Informality in entertaining, 164
+  Ink, 58
+  Inscriptions on cards, 97-100
+  Interruptions, 17, 49
+  Introduction, letters of, 70-72;
+    advisability of, for business, 70;
+    socially, 70, 71;
+    presentation of, 72;
+    obligations of, 72
+  Introductions, 84-89, 148;
+    at chance meetings, 87;
+    at a dancing party, 87, 89, 138, 139;
+    at a dinner, 89, 149;
+    by a guest, 86;
+    by a hostess, 86, 90;
+    discrimination in, 85;
+    form of, 84;
+    of a gentleman to a lady, 84, 86, 88;
+    responses to, 84;
+    responsibility for, 88;
+    to one's relatives, 88
+  Invitations (_See_ "Engraved Invitation, The");
+    for dinner and dance, 111;
+    entertainment at club, 111;
+    formal, 105-121;
+    informal, 74, 112;
+    of widower, 111, 113;
+    bachelor, 111, 113;
+    widower with daughters, 111;
+    to call, 93;
+    to "Bal Poudre," 112;
+    dancing or other parties, 109;
+    dinners, 109;
+    luncheons, 108;
+    receptions, 117, 120, 121;
+    "showers," 182;
+    visits, 158;
+    weddings, 114-117;
+    to meet a guest, 120, 146;
+    to meet a son, 113;
+    to mourners, 114
+  Invitations, written, 110, 112;
+    acceptances of, 112;
+    replies to, 113
+
+  Jewelry, 12
+
+  Kant, 2
+
+  Letter writing, 52;
+    discretion in, 52, 53
+  Letters:
+    Conclusion of, 66;
+    of classic literature, 53;
+    of condolence, 75, 76;
+    of Introduction, 70-72;
+    of recommendation, 73;
+    opening those of others, 24;
+    opening, in company, 29;
+    Salutation of, 66-68;
+    Signature of, 66-69;
+    to servants, 74;
+    to strangers, 74;
+    giving orders, 74
+  Letter-heads, 56, 57
+  Lifting the hat, 78, 81, 82, 83
+  Linen, for dinner, 151;
+    trousseau, 189, 190
+  Luncheon, 148, 149;
+    menu of, 148;
+    dress at, 12
+
+  Maid of honor, duties of, 197, 199
+  Management of household, 22
+  Mannerisms, 17
+  Manners, 7
+  Marriage, 20, 21;
+    ceremony, 197, 198;
+    certificate, 191;
+    customs, 203;
+    license, 190;
+    obligations of, 20-26
+  Men's cards, 96;
+    club name on, 100;
+    form of, 96;
+    inscription on, 97;
+    omission of address, 100;
+    titles on, 97, 100, 101
+  Monograms, 56
+  Monopoly of conversation, 49;
+    in friendship, 43, 44
+  Morals, 7
+  Mourning, dress of, 227-229;
+    Etiquette of, 224-230;
+    periods of, 227;
+    stationery of, 228
+  Music at a wedding, 197, 200, 202
+
+  Neatness, 14, 46, 129
+  Neglect of family, 22, 25
+  Nichols, Dr. T. L., 9, title-page
+  Non-acknowledgment of courtesies, 18
+  Notes, apologetic 55;
+    congratulatory, 76;
+    requesting a favor, 55;
+    social, 57, 58;
+    sympathetic, 75, 76
+
+  Obligations of letters of introduction, 72
+  Old English type, 106-108
+  Openings, formal business, 165
+  Out-door weddings, 212
+
+  Paper for correspondence, 55
+  Parents:
+    consideration for, 217;
+    consulting, 174;
+    duties of, 169, 170;
+    negligence of, 173
+  Party invitations, 109, 110, 112
+  Penmanship of invitations, 110
+  Personal Card, The, 96-105
+  Personality, 6-19
+  Picnics, 163, 161
+  Place cards, 151, 152
+  Plates, service of, 153
+  Position, 10;
+    at table, 33
+  Posture, 10, 28
+  "P. p. c." cards, 99
+  Presentation of letters of introduction, 72
+  Presents: birthday, 41;
+    graduation, 42;
+    to the ill, 45;
+    wedding, 40, 210-212
+  Press notices, of engagements, 179;
+    funerals, 224, 225
+  Privacy, 24
+  Professional cards, 100
+  Proposal of marriage, 174-179;
+    by letter, 175;
+    decision of, 175;
+    spontaneity of, 176;
+    warding off, 175
+  Public Behavior in, 122-136
+  Public functions, 165-168
+  Punctuality, 17, 32, 142, 149, 154;
+    at church, 125;
+    at funerals, 229;
+    for children, 217, 218
+
+  Receiving, at an afternoon tea, 147;
+    dancing party, 147;
+    débutante party, 147
+  Reception, guest at, 137, 138
+  Receptions, 137, 147;
+    business openings, 165;
+    college or school, 167;
+    club, 165
+  Recommendation, letters of, 73
+  Rehearsal for wedding, 191
+  Rejection of proposals, 175
+  Removing hats in public places, 18, 122
+  Replies to business letters, 76;
+    friendly letters, 76;
+    letters of introduction, 72;
+    notes of invitation, 76
+  Reply requests, 73
+  Reverence, 125
+  Riding dress, 128
+  "R. s. v. p.," 113
+  Rural festivities, 164
+
+  Sacrifices, 42, 45
+  Salutations, 28;
+    of letters, 66-68
+  Savings banks for children, 220
+  School behavior, 218, 219
+  Script type, 106-108
+  Sealing Envelopes, 59
+  Seating guests at table, 151, 165, 156
+  Self-consciousness, 10
+  Self-control, 8, 31, 215
+  Send-off of bridal couple, 207
+  Servants, 73, 144;
+    and children, 223;
+    in the country, 161
+  Service of a dinner, 152-158
+  Shaded Roman type, 106-108
+  "Showers," Bridal, 181-183
+  Signatures, 66-70
+  Simplicity in the country, 161-164
+  Sincerity, 7, 9
+  Social introductions by correspondence, 70-72
+  Social calls of men, 92-94
+  Social life of the married, 24
+  Speech, 7, 16
+  Speeches, after-dinner, 166;
+    at wedding breakfast, 206
+  Stamping Envelopes, 59
+  Stationery for mourning, 57, 228
+  Stock of invitations, 105, 106
+  Strangers, addressing, 66, 67;
+    attitude toward, 122, 124, 130-132, 135
+  Street etiquette, 129, 132, 133
+  Sympathy cards, 120
+
+  Table etiquette, 33-40;
+    for children, 217
+  Third-person letters, 74
+  Time of wedding, 194
+  Tips, 144
+  Titles on cards, 97, 100, 101
+  Training of servants, 46
+  Traveling, 130, 131;
+    dress, 130;
+    expense, 131
+  Trousseau, 187-190
+  Type of invitations, 100-108
+
+  Unselfishness, 9
+  Use of cards, 102-106
+  Ushers, at wedding, duties of, 195-198, 201
+
+  Visits, 158-165;
+    being entertained, 142, 162, 164;
+    dress, 140;
+    entertainment, 158, 159, 163, 164;
+    length, 158;
+    prolonging, 142
+
+  Wardrobe of bride, 187-189;
+    of bridegroom, 186
+  Wedding, anniversaries, 40, 41;
+    breakfast, 204-206;
+    cake, 206, 207;
+    fee, 208-210;
+    invitations, 114-119;
+    journey, 208;
+    preparation for, 185-193;
+    presents, 210-212;
+    reception, 205, 207;
+    ring, 191;
+    suit for bridegroom, 186, 187;
+    wardrobe of bride, 187-189
+  Whispering, 29, 123
+  Withdrawal from society during mourning, 224, 227, 228
+  Writing on cards, 99
+
+      *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
+
+This text uses both out-door and outdoor. This was retained.
+
+Page viii, "Person" changed to "person" (Third-person Correspondence)
+
+Page 57, "Letter" changed to "letter" (Dead-Letter Office)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway
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+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway.
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Etiquette of To-day
+
+Author: Edith B. Ordway
+
+Release Date: August 27, 2007 [EBook #22417]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and Emmy
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="title" id="title"></a><a href="images/title.png"></a></span></p>
+
+
+<h1>THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY</h1>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="books" id="books"></a><a href="images/books.png"></a></span></p>
+
+<h2>HANDBOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">by Edith B. Ordway</span></h3>
+
+<hr style="width: 25%;" />
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="Handbooks">
+<tr><td align='left' colspan='2'><big>The Handbook of Conundrums</big></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>12mo, cloth</td><td align='left'>$1.25 net</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left' colspan='2'><big>The Handbook of Quotations</big></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>12mo, cloth</td><td align='left'>$1.25 net</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left' colspan='2'><big>The Etiquette of To-day</big></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>12mo, cloth</td><td align='left'>$1.25 net</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left' colspan='2'><big>Handbook of the Operas</big></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'>New and Enlarged Edition</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>12mo, cloth</td><td align='left'>$1.50 net</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Full paste, grain leather</td><td align='left'>$3.00 net</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left' colspan='2'><big>Synonyms and Antonyms</big></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>12mo, cloth</td><td align='left'>$1.50 net</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+<hr style="width: 25%;" />
+<div class='center'>
+<span class="smcap">George Sully</span> &amp; <span class="smcap">Company</span><br />
+<br />
+NEW YORK<br /></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i"></a><a href="images/i.png">[i]</a></span></p>
+
+<h1>THE ETIQUETTE<br />
+OF TO-DAY</h1>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Revised and Enlarged</span></h3>
+
+
+<h3>BY</h3>
+
+<h2>EDITH B. ORDWAY</h2>
+
+<div class='center'>Author of "The Opera Book," etc.</div>
+
+
+<h3><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+NEW YORK<br />
+GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY<br /></h3>
+<p>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii"></a><a href="images/ii.png">[ii]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Copyright, 1918</i><br />
+<span class="smcap">By Sully and Kleinteich</span><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 15%;' />
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Revised Edition, Copyright, 1920</i><br />
+<span class="smcap">By George Sully and Company</span><br />
+<i>All rights reserved</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+PRINTED IN U. S. A.<br /></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii"></a><a href="images/iii.png">[iii]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>PREFACE</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> customs of social life need frequent restating
+and adaptation to new needs. They
+are customs because they are the best rules of
+conduct that have been garnered from the experiences
+of succeeding generations under common
+conditions.</p>
+
+<p>To know them, to catch their spirit, and to
+follow them in an intelligent way, without
+slavish punctiliousness but with careful observance,
+make one skillful in the art of social
+intercourse, and at home in any society.</p>
+
+<p>Etiquette will not take the place of character,
+nor of an accurate knowledge of human nature
+and the arts of practical life. Given these,
+however, it will unlock to any man or woman
+doors of success and profit and real happiness
+which, without it, would have remained forever
+closed.</p>
+
+<div class='right'>
+E. B. O.<br /></div>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv"></a><a href="images/iv.png">[iv]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">"We feel 'at home' wherever we know
+how to conduct ourselves."<br />
+
+<div class='right'>
+T. L. <span class="smcap">Nichols</span><br /></div></div>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v"></a><a href="images/v.png">[v]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents">
+<tr><td align='right'><small>CHAPTER</small></td><td align='left'>&nbsp;</td><td align='center'><small>PAGE</small></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>I.</td><td align='left'>The Rewards of Etiquette</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>II.</td><td align='left'>Personality</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_6">6</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>III.</td><td align='left'>Family Etiquette</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_20">20</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Obligations of the Married</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_20">20</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">General Rules of Conduct</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_26">26</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Table Etiquette</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_33">33</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Anniversaries</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_40">40</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Giving of Presents</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_41">41</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Intimate Friends</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_42">42</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Illness in the Home</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Courtesy to Servants</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_45">45</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>IV.</td><td align='left'>Conversation and Correspondence</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_48">48</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Art of Conversation</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_48">48</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Correspondence</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_52">52</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Paper</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_55">55</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Ink</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_58">58</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Handwriting</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_58">58</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sealing, Stamping, and Directing of Envelopes</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_59">59</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_66">66</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Letters of Introduction</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_70">70</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Letters of Recommendation</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Third-<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Person'">person</ins> Letters</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_74">74</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Informal Invitations and Announcements</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_74">74</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Letters of Condolence</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_75">75</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi"></a><a href="images/vi.png">[vi]</a></span>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Answering Letters</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_76">76</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>V.</td><td align='left'>Casual Meetings and Calls</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_78">78</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Greetings and Recognitions</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_78">78</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Introductions</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Calls</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_90">90</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Social Calls of Men</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_92">92</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">First Calls</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_94">94</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>VI.</td><td align='left'>The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_96">96</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Form of Card</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_96">96</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Inscription</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_97">97</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Titles</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_100">100</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Use</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_102">102</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Engraved Invitation</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_105">105</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Dining and Party Invitations</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_108">108</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Wedding Invitations and Announcements</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_114">114</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Various Announcement Cards</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_119">119</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>VII.</td><td align='left'>Behavior in Public</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_122">122</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>VIII.</td><td align='left'>The Art of Being a Guest</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_137">137</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>IX.</td><td align='left'>Duties of Host and Hostess</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_145">145</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Breakfasts and Luncheons</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_148">148</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Formal Dinner</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_149">149</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Visits</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_158">158</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Special Duties of the Country Hostess</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_161">161</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Public Functions</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_165">165</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>X.</td><td align='left'>Duties of the Chaperon</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_169">169</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XI.</td><td align='left'>Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_174">174</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Proposal</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_174">174</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Announcement of Engagement</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_179">179</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Bridal "Showers"</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_181">181</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Broken Engagement</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_183">183</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Preparation for a Wedding</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_185">185</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XII.</td><td align='left'>The Conduct of a Wedding</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_194">194</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Church Wedding</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_194">194</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Home Wedding</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_201">201</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii"></a><a href="images/vii.png">[vii]</a></span>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Wedding Breakfast</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_204">204</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Wedding Journey</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_208">208</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Wedding Fee</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_208">208</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wedding Presents</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_210">210</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Country Wedding</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_212">212</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XIII.</td><td align='left'>Etiquette for Children</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_214">214</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XIV.</td><td align='left'>Etiquette of Mourning</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_224">224</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>XV.</td><td align='left'>Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_231">231</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Formal Military Wedding</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_231">231</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Naval and Yachting Usage</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_232">232</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Etiquette of the Flag</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_233">233</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'>INDEX</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_237">237</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii"></a><a href="images/viii.png">[viii]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> secret of success in society is a certain
+heartiness and sympathy. A man who is not
+happy in the company cannot find any word in
+his memory that will fit the occasion. All his
+information is a little impertinent. A man who
+is happy there finds in every turn of the conversation
+equally lucky occasions for the introduction
+of that which he has to say. The
+favorites of society, and what it calls <i>whole
+souls</i>, are able men, and of more spirit than wit,
+who have no uncomfortable egoism, but who
+exactly fill the hour and the company, contented
+and contenting, at a marriage or a
+funeral, a ball or a jury, a water party or a
+shooting match."</p>
+
+<div class='right'>
+<i>Emerson.</i><br />
+</div></div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1"></a><a href="images/1.png">[1]</a></span>
+</p>
+<h2>THE ETIQUETTE OF<br />
+TO-DAY</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER I</h2>
+
+<h3>THE REWARDS OF ETIQUETTE</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Society</span> is a game which all men play.
+"Etiquette" is the name given the rules of the
+game. If you play it well, you win. If you
+play it ill, you lose. The prize is a certain sort
+of happiness without which no human being is
+ever quite satisfied.</p>
+
+<p>Because the demand for social happiness is
+thus fundamental in human nature, the game
+has to be played quite seriously. If played
+seriously, it is perforce successful, even when
+the outward signs of triumph are lacking.
+Played seriously, it becomes a worthy part of
+the great enterprise of noble living, the science
+of which is called "Ethics." Therefore the best
+etiquette is that which is based upon the fundamental
+principles of ethics.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2"></a><a href="images/2.png">[2]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The etiquette, as well as the ethics, of to-day
+may well be summed up in the one maxim
+known as the "Golden Rule": "Do unto
+others as you would that others should do unto
+you." Or in the philosophic statement of it,
+given by Kant: "Act so that the maxim of thy
+conduct shall be fit to be universal law."</p>
+
+<p>A certain social sense is, therefore, the
+foundation upon which all concerted action
+rests; and this, permeating the character and
+winning conformity in the life, produces a
+social order which is at once the criterion of
+civilization and the source of its power.</p>
+
+<p>Every social code presupposes the trained
+personality, that is, the individual who is intelligent
+enough and controlled enough to conform
+to the rules prescribed for the good of all.
+It is only in the common good that true individual
+good can be found. Therefore is it so
+essential that every man regard his brother's
+welfare as anxiously as his own, and permit
+himself to be curbed in his extravagances, limited
+in the indulgence of even legitimate desires,
+in order that he may not defraud another,
+or menace the general well-being.</p>
+
+<p>Not only in social life, but in business, politics,
+and international relations, this principle
+of the common good as the ultimate goal, the
+supreme authority for conduct, holds good. To
+it society approaches, now by direct progress and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3"></a><a href="images/3.png">[3]</a></span>
+now by seeming reaction, but ever with a higher
+evaluation of justice. This is shown in the fulfillment
+of both small and large obligations.</p>
+
+<p>Following the rules of courtesy, men give to
+each other that deference which each believes is
+his own due, and each receives in return twofold
+the deference that he sincerely gives. Men
+show, at home and abroad, the courtesy to
+women in general that they would wish shown
+to those of their family, and thereby the standard
+of respect for woman is so lifted that even
+the city street at night is a safe place for a
+woman to pass unaccosted, if it is necessary for
+her to go unattended.</p>
+
+<p>Rigidly do we hold ourselves to the established
+rules of good breeding, endeavoring to
+make of ourselves all that Nature will permit;
+and we are surprised to find that Nature's own
+gentlemen and gentlewomen gather about us,
+and rare souls look to us for companionship, as
+finding in us kindred spirits.</p>
+
+<p>No field so surely bears a like harvest as the
+one sown with the seeds of good-will and consideration
+for others.</p>
+
+<p>Etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we
+desire,&mdash;to make clear the path to the goal
+of high companionship with many worthy
+minds,&mdash;and enables us to get out of social intercourse
+the honey that is hidden there.
+Without it, as social beings, we should be as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4"></a><a href="images/4.png">[4]</a></span>
+workmen without tools, architects without material,
+musicians without instruments.</p>
+
+<p>After all, however, etiquette is only a tool,
+and should never be mistaken for the finished
+work itself. How you carry yourself at a reception
+is not a matter of so great moment, as is
+the fact that you went, and there exchanged
+certain worth-while thoughts with certain
+people. It is the people, the thoughts they gave
+you and you gave them, and the practical influence
+on your life of those people and those
+thoughts, which are of moment.</p>
+
+<p>Just as, from a musicale, you must carry the
+music away in your soul, either in definite
+memories or in a refreshed and more joyous
+frame of mind, or it is of no avail that you
+attended, so from social intercourse it is absolutely
+necessary that you carry away the inspiration
+of meeting others and the thoughts
+that they have given you, and garner from
+those help and guidance in your life, or the
+most elaborate of toilets, the most perfect of
+manners, and the most ceremonious of customs
+are of little worth.</p>
+
+<p>The tool, however, becomes invaluable when
+the master desires to create. Therefore, if we
+wish to gain from social life the enjoyment
+and happiness and help which it should
+yield, we should become familiar with the practice
+of the best forms of etiquette, so that we<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5"></a><a href="images/5.png">[5]</a></span>
+shall have skill and aptitude in their application.</p>
+
+<p>The rewards of etiquette are, therefore, both
+spiritual and material. That fine poise of soul
+which restrains all selfish and unlovely tendencies,
+that clear insight which sees the individual
+as but a single unit in the composite
+of the human race, that high aspiration which
+culls only the best from the mingled elements
+of life,&mdash;all these come from a true and sincere
+adherence to the spirit of courteous observances,
+and each of these is its own reward.</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand, human hearts open only
+to gentle influences, and all that it is in the
+power of human beings to bestow upon one another
+comes most readily and most lavishly to
+those who outrage no social instinct. To be
+highly and sincerely honored socially means to
+be well loved, and that must mean to be lovable.
+Wealth and family position are matters of
+chance as far as the individual is concerned,
+but good breeding is a matter of personal desire
+and effort. It makes for power and influence,
+and often literally commands the wealth and
+position which the accident of birth has refused.
+It is the necessary colleague of intellectual
+ability in winning the farthest heights of success,
+and makes the plains of mediocre attainment
+habitable and pleasant.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6"></a><a href="images/6.png">[6]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER II</h2>
+
+<h3>PERSONALITY</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> social world is a world of personalities.
+Each individual has a value and importance
+according to the sum total of his characteristics,
+physical, mental, and moral. Other and more
+external facts enter into his social position, but
+in the circle of his friends and acquaintances, in
+whatever grade of society he may move, his
+place is determined by his personality. Personality
+alone is the final test of a man's worth
+to society.</p>
+
+<p>A man's worth to the business world as a
+doer, maker, or as any other executive, his
+worth to the state as an incorruptible official,
+his worth to his family as a devoted husband
+and father, his worth to literature or art as a
+thinker or maker,&mdash;these values are imprinted
+upon his personality, howbeit with almost imperceptible
+lines.</p>
+
+<p>If a man would present a pleasing personality
+as his claim for recognition in society, he
+must not neglect his mental attitude, his appearance,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7"></a><a href="images/7.png">[7]</a></span>
+his manners, or his speech. They
+are all true expressions of his real self, and
+they, together with his deeds, are all that his
+fellow men have by which to appraise his real
+worth.</p>
+
+<p>Character is the foundation of all true courtesy,
+for manners are but minor morals, as
+many a writer has shown. It is not the part
+of a book on etiquette to tell how to keep out
+of prison, or to explain that one should be
+honorable and should do no murder. No book
+or person, however, can inculcate etiquette without
+showing that the roots of all true courtesy
+lie deep in the spirit of unselfish consideration
+for others. To master this spirit until it becomes
+one's own is the best fitting one can have
+for social achievement. Such consideration is
+the touchstone by which all social customs are
+tried, to see whether they be worthy of perpetuation
+or not. It is the sure test of correct
+conduct under all circumstances, and can be so
+utilized in case of doubt.</p>
+
+<p>A veneer of virtue long passes as currency in
+no society. It is necessary to have character
+in order to be respected. As etiquette is
+founded upon certain simple virtues, it is necessary,
+at least, to affect the semblance of them.
+To be long effective they must be sincere, as a
+little experience shows.</p>
+
+<p>Among the minor moral virtues which in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8"></a><a href="images/8.png">[8]</a></span>
+social life are of major importance are those
+of self-control, sincerity, and unselfishness.</p>
+
+<p>There is no place for anger in social life. To
+give expression among a group of people to any
+strong feeling, no matter how justified it may
+be, is not courteous, because you may be inadvertently
+treading upon the beliefs or prejudices
+of some of your hearers. There are times when
+debate and the taking of sides on questions of
+common interest are in order, but that is not
+usually in the mixed society of men and
+women, who are supposedly dropping, for a
+time, the burdens of life for the sake of enjoyment
+and recreation.</p>
+
+<p>Self-control is necessary not only in the constant
+curbing of anger and the more violent
+emotions, but in pushing into the background
+one's personal desires in order that one may do
+one's social duty. A bridesmaid may have
+assumed the obligations of that honor, and then
+found that, for personal reasons, they were distasteful
+to her. She should not, however, permit
+herself to fail in one iota of her duty. The
+always-remembered disappointment of the bride,
+or bridegroom, if either bridesmaid or best
+man should fail, at a time when life should be
+as full of happiness as it possibly could, should
+more than offset the pain of even difficult control
+on the part of the chosen friend, in order
+to carry out his or her obligations satisfactorily.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9"></a><a href="images/9.png">[9]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In thousands of minor circumstances the
+need of absolute self-command for the sake of
+social virtues is evident. The man and woman
+who can so control themselves, and think only
+of others, win warm places in the hearts of
+their friends.</p>
+
+<p>It is a dreary thing to be always sustaining
+a sham of any sort. Sincerity has its pleasure
+as well as its virtue. One should seek to be
+sincere, as perhaps no social virtue is of greater
+importance than this. The possibilities of development
+of character and of the betterment
+of social customs depend upon the exercise of
+this virtue. For that reason it is well to follow
+carefully the acknowledged rules of etiquette,
+in the hope and expectation of growing into the
+attitude of mind which will make them a natural
+expression of one's self.</p>
+
+<p>"The little observances of social life," says
+Dr. T. L. Nichols in his book on "Social Life,"
+"are more important than many people think
+them. The outward signs or expressions of any
+sentiment not only manifest it to others, but
+help to keep it active in ourselves. This is the
+use of all ceremony and ritualism in religion
+.&nbsp;.&nbsp;. and the same principle governs all social
+ceremonies and observances."</p>
+
+<p>Without unselfishness and a fine consideration
+for others, the art of etiquette would be
+impossible. True etiquette learns no maxims<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10"></a><a href="images/10.png">[10]</a></span>
+to practise mechanically. Rather, it learns all
+the maxims upon which it may have to draw,
+and practises them only as the considerate heart
+sees an opportunity and desires to embrace it.</p>
+
+<p>Personal appearance is next to character in
+importance. The most important factors in
+this, with the average person, are not those
+that Nature alone is responsible for, but those
+that the individual himself is alone responsible
+for. Beauty is a pleasant thing, and not to be
+despised, although beauty alone is of little
+worth. The social conquests of history have
+not been confined to the possessors of beauty,
+and there have been many notable cases where
+decided plainness and even ugliness was the lot
+of one who nevertheless was a person of great
+charm.</p>
+
+<p>One's figure and bearing count perhaps for
+most, as they give the first and distant impression,
+and are, as it were, the outlines of the
+picture.</p>
+
+<p>Self-consciousness, for any reason and to
+even the slightest degree, is a great barrier to
+social intercourse and to mental freedom. It
+shows as often in a person's carriage as in his
+words or features. It should be broken down
+at all costs, and this can be done only by the
+person himself. It may be done, usually with
+comparative ease, by becoming and staying interested
+in something. Then awkwardness, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11"></a><a href="images/11.png">[11]</a></span>
+a defiant attitude of spirit and body, will vanish.
+Haughtiness is usually the outward sign
+of a great inner self-consciousness. All of these
+traits, as well as their opposites, stamp themselves
+upon the bearing of the body, and reveal
+there the clearest manifestations of character.</p>
+
+<p>Dress is almost as essential. By this is not
+meant a rigid adherence to fashion,&mdash;the stamp
+of a weak mind,&mdash;or even good taste, but an
+eye to the appropriate and fitting. First of all,
+dress should be subordinated to character, that
+is, it should be no more costly than the wearer
+can afford, and no more striking than modesty
+and good taste allow.</p>
+
+<p>Good taste in dress means plain and simple
+styles, but material as elegant, serviceable, and
+pleasing as one's purse permits. It means also
+a few things well chosen and kept in good order,
+rather than many things more or less untidy;
+that one's wardrobe will be harmonious,&mdash;not
+a cheap, shabby garment to-day, and an expensive,
+showy one to-morrow. It means also
+that the wardrobe throughout, not only the external
+garments, is equally well chosen and well
+cared for.</p>
+
+<p>One should not mix one's wardrobe. A coat
+of one suit and the skirt of another should not
+be worn together. A carriage parasol should
+not be used on a sunny promenade, nor an umbrella
+in a carriage, or open automobile.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12"></a><a href="images/12.png">[12]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It is necessary to wear a dress appropriate
+to the occasion in order to be well dressed. No
+matter how excellent one's costume may be, if
+it does not suit the time and place it is absurd
+and incongruous. Some of the major rules for
+appropriate dress are as follows:</p>
+
+<p>Full evening dress demands one's most elaborate
+gown, made of silk, satin, velvet, lace,
+or cr&ecirc;pe-de-chine, as costly as one's purse permits,
+with d&eacute;collet&eacute; effects, gained by either
+actual cut or the use of lace and chiffon. One
+should wear delicate shoes, white or light-colored
+gloves, and appropriate jewels, of which it
+is not good taste to have too lavish a display.</p>
+
+<p>As hostess at an afternoon reception or luncheon
+one may wear an elaborate gown of the richest
+materials, with either long sleeves and high
+neck, or elbow sleeves and slightly low neck.
+As guest one may wear a walking suit, with
+pretty blouse, white gloves, and decorative hat.</p>
+
+<p>The usual dress for a formal breakfast is
+much the same as for a luncheon,&mdash;a pretty
+afternoon street costume, with a dainty blouse,
+gloves, and "picture" hat, which is not removed.
+In summer, a gown of light material,
+such as organdie, muslin, or other soft goods,
+dainty and somewhat elaborate, is in good taste.
+Hat and gloves are invariably worn with this
+gown if the affair is ceremonious.</p>
+
+<p>For church wear, a quiet, rather simple street<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13"></a><a href="images/13.png">[13]</a></span>
+dress, which does not proclaim that either
+money or time has been spent upon it to any
+notable extent, is by far the most appropriate.
+The suit should be becoming but inconspicuous.</p>
+
+<p>Ball costume is conventionally gay and elaborate,
+the lightest of materials being used, especially
+by those who intend to take part in the
+dancing, and a dainty effect being sought. Any
+costly, rich-looking materials are used, and a
+wide range of fashion is permitted. The gown
+is cut short-sleeved and d&eacute;collet&eacute;, and the dancing
+shoes are of satin or very fine kid. Jewels
+are worn but sparingly by young women in their
+first season in society. The costume of a d&eacute;butante
+at her first ball is usually white.</p>
+
+<p>At an informal dinner, any pretty gown may
+be worn, with special attention to the coiffure.</p>
+
+<p>Black should never be worn at a wedding.
+If one does not care to lay it aside for the time
+being, one should not attend.</p>
+
+<p>For men, the proper costume for an early
+morning breakfast is the black cutaway coat with
+gray trousers, and other details as for a formal
+breakfast. In summer a gray morning suit with
+fancy waistcoat, or white flannels or linen, with
+appropriate hat, shoes, and tie, is permissible.</p>
+
+<p>At a formal breakfast men wear frock coats,
+fancy waistcoats, gray trousers, patent-leather
+shoes, large ties, high hats, and gray gloves.</p>
+
+<p>Afternoon dress for formal functions between<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></a><a href="images/14.png">[14]</a></span>
+noon and evening consists of a double-breasted
+black frock coat, or a black cutaway coat, with
+either light or dark waistcoat, gray trousers,
+patent-leather shoes, light four-in-hand tie, and
+light gloves.</p>
+
+<p>Evening dress is the correct attire for all
+occasions after six o'clock. It consists of a
+black suit,&mdash;coat cut "swallow-tail," and
+waistcoat cut low and in the shape of a "U,"&mdash;with
+white lawn tie, patent-leather pumps, black
+silk stockings, white gloves, and no jewelry but
+shirt studs, cuff links, and an inconspicuous
+watch fob. A black overcoat of some stylish
+cut and a silk hat or crush or opera hat is also
+worn.</p>
+
+<p>Full evening dress is a man's costume for a
+formal dinner. The Tuxedo or short dinner
+coat with a black tie is intended only for dinners
+where women are not present. Although
+its use on other occasions is common, it is not
+correct, and ill accords with the elaborate gown
+which is usually worn at the formal dinner.</p>
+
+<p>One should always have the appearance of
+being "well-groomed." It is a minor matter to
+add to habits of personal cleanliness, which
+every man and woman of refinement adheres to
+with scrupulous conscientiousness, that attention
+to the little details and finishing touches of
+dressing, which give the impression conveyed in
+that graphic expression "well-groomed." The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15"></a><a href="images/15.png">[15]</a></span>
+niceties of life are always matters of small care
+but great moment.</p>
+
+<p>The aim to be beautiful is a legitimate one,
+and worthy of the attention of every lover of
+beauty. To make the most of one's self, both
+for one's own sake and that of those about one,
+is a duty. Much can be done if good taste is
+consulted, and one's salient good points studied
+and emphasized. One can at least dress characteristically,
+and so bring out the ideals to
+which one gives adherence.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, the business woman, in business
+hours, dresses with that same effort after
+efficiency and economy of time and strength
+that she has to put into her business to make
+it successful. She is, therefore, besides being
+scrupulously neat, perfectly plainly and yet
+durably and comfortably dressed. The sudden
+storm does not catch her unprepared, for she
+cannot afford to lose even an hour's work next
+day because she "caught cold." She permits
+no fussing with her garments, therefore they
+have to be in perfect working order, as fussing
+takes time, and time is money. Her hair is
+done neatly, and as becomingly as possible, but
+securely for the day.</p>
+
+<p>If, on the other hand, the business woman be
+a milliner, whose own artistic personality must
+be her best advertisement, she takes pains to
+dress artistically even though she wear less<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16"></a><a href="images/16.png">[16]</a></span>
+serviceable and more elaborate costumes. She
+should, however, give the same impression of
+neatness and businesslike serviceableness, with
+the additional artistic impression which is going
+to show her customer that she knows how to
+bring out the telling points in her own personality,
+and create a charming effect.</p>
+
+<p>The housewife needs, in her choice of morning
+garments, the same effectiveness as the business
+woman, for she must also work with real
+efficiency; but, in addition, she needs to give
+the impression of homelike abandon, as well as
+beauty and grace, which shall appear restful.</p>
+
+<p>The art of correct speech and intelligent conversation
+is one which every one who wishes to
+hold an envied place in society should possess.
+There is no more attractive accomplishment.
+Others have only a limited use and give only
+an occasional pleasure, while good conversation
+is appropriate to almost any occasion, and
+amuses and entertains when all other interests
+have palled.</p>
+
+<p>If one does not undertake to cultivate the art
+of conversation, one should at least be correct
+in speech. One should not permit slovenly
+expressions, or slang, or the thousand and one
+faults of mispronunciation and ungrammatical
+construction into which people fall, to be characteristic
+of one's speaking. For if one has time
+to go into society, one should have time and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17"></a><a href="images/17.png">[17]</a></span>
+money enough to make one's self presentable
+mentally as well as physically, and nothing so
+clearly shows lack of intelligence and appreciation
+of the matters of the intellect, as carelessness
+and neglect of the words one uses and the
+thoughts one utters. No physical defect is more
+glaring than the mental defect revealed in every
+sentence of such a person.</p>
+
+<p>Mannerisms of speech or act are glaring flaws
+in the personality which would delight to charm,
+and successfully preclude the possibility of popularity
+among refined people. Many a man
+and woman of character have been barred from
+the pleasurable enjoyment of society, even by
+people of less character though of more surface
+refinement than themselves, because they lacked
+the intelligence and the good sense to abolish
+certain mannerisms of act or expression, which,
+though they may have had normal and logical
+causes, were not such as society could enjoy or
+approve, and would not tend to anything but
+harm if characteristic of many people.</p>
+
+<p>Certain rather glaring faults are quite conspicuous
+among all classes of women, for reasons
+which are hard to determine, but which must be
+general as the faults are so prevalent. Women,
+as a rule, do not respect an appointment and
+keep it punctually, interrupt conversation repeatedly
+and ruthlessly, keep visitors waiting
+by needless delays, and do not seem to notice or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18"></a><a href="images/18.png">[18]</a></span>
+regret the sacrifice that some courtesy to them
+may have caused another.</p>
+
+<p>The arraignment of women for these faults
+is indeed serious, for social misdemeanors could
+not easily be much worse. It means that the
+deep heart-feeling of courtesy is quite lacking
+from certain classes of women,&mdash;classes not to
+be marked off distinctly from any grade of
+wealth or learning. If the ladies of a fashionable
+and progressive intellectual club will not,
+after two or three years of repeated requests,
+make it a habit, one and all, to remove their
+hats during a dinner and the subsequent
+speeches in a crowded and level-floored club
+dining-room, it is useless to look for any finer
+courtesy among the "cultured" than among the
+work-worn "laboring" classes.</p>
+
+<p>As a rule the women least at fault in these
+matters are the business women, a fact which
+would seem to prove that lack of business and
+professional training was in part responsible
+for the general apathy and indifference toward
+these matters of ordinary courtesy.</p>
+
+<p>Courtesy, like honesty, is the best policy in
+all our dealings with our fellow men. Therefore,
+we cannot afford to neglect to exercise it.</p>
+
+<p>Politeness and interest in others alike lead
+one to make those inquiries concerning friends
+and their families which show real concern in
+their welfare, and which are exceedingly gratifying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></a><a href="images/19.png">[19]</a></span>
+to all. Often this kindly trait alone
+gives one a reputation for charm, although it
+has its disadvantages, to be sure, in its demands
+upon one's sympathy and patience.</p>
+
+<p>We each know that we are worth while. We
+should, therefore, treat others on that assumption,
+and thereby make them rise to their potential
+worth. The good that a person, who thus
+calls out the good within people, may do is
+limited only by his acquaintance.</p>
+
+<p>Personality is, after all, one's greatest asset
+in life. No thought or effort should be spared
+in making it pleasing and inspiring,&mdash;a fit
+expression of one's character and ideals, and a
+worthy gift to the world.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></a><a href="images/20.png">[20]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER III</h2>
+
+<h3>FAMILY ETIQUETTE</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> permanence of a courteous manner is
+the test of its sincerity. If one is polite invariably
+everywhere but at home, one's politeness
+is as superficial as a disguise, and as easily
+penetrated by the discerning.</p>
+
+<p>Unselfish consideration for others meets its
+sternest discipline in the home and in family
+relations, and becomes, under that discipline, a
+reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every
+emergency.</p>
+
+<p>Without manners at home, it is impossible
+to preserve the real nobility and unselfishness
+of character which make a man or a woman
+socially desirable.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Obligations of the Married</i></div>
+
+<p>The marriage relation, while based upon certain
+fundamental principles, and not to be preserved
+without adherence to them, has some
+little etiquette of its own which adds to its
+happiness.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21"></a><a href="images/21.png">[21]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The solemnization of marriage is a sacred
+ceremony and should be observed in a reverent
+spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for
+the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetuate
+that same spirit on the anniversaries of the
+day, will do much toward making it a holy and
+a happy union.</p>
+
+<p>Every marriage should be at least a perfect
+friendship; so a married couple should observe
+with each other the same little courtesies that
+they would observe if still only friends, being
+as deferential in greeting one another in public,
+as careful of each other's feelings, and as observant
+of each other's preferences.</p>
+
+<p>A woman should remember to accept from
+her husband, as her due and without surprise
+or awkwardness, the little attentions which she
+expects and receives in society. A man, also,
+should expect, and not be disappointed in receiving,
+the graceful little appreciations and
+courtesies which the woman of charm extends
+to the man of achievement in her social circle.
+The difference between the appreciations of society
+and those of the family is mainly that, in
+society, only the men of mark receive them,
+while, in the home, every man should receive
+his due; for there his efforts are known, even
+though they are not signal enough for society
+to recognize.</p>
+
+<p>As equality is the only basis upon which the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22"></a><a href="images/22.png">[22]</a></span>
+authority of the home can happily rest, so a
+complete union of interests is the only basis for
+the successful financing of a home.</p>
+
+<p>While all the virtues of good management
+of her household, economy in the expenditure
+of money, taste in dressing herself and her children,
+and promptness and charm in fulfilling
+her social duties are expected of a wife, and
+should be fulfilled to the best of her ability,
+there are some minor things which make for
+happiness which should not be neglected.</p>
+
+<p>The wife who shines socially should remember
+that her family needs the charm of her
+presence more than society does, and it should
+be a daily household quality rather than for
+use only on state occasions.</p>
+
+<p>The wife should confide in her husband on
+every matter of importance. She should not
+trouble him with trivial things, but, if a matter
+is of concern to her, she should not fail to let
+him know about it, and get his advice upon it.
+The cement of love is mutual confidence.</p>
+
+<p>If a wife takes pains to understand her husband,
+to be his companion, and to do her full
+duty by him, by her children, and by her home,
+she cannot fail, under the ordinary circumstances
+of the American home, of winning happiness
+and making her husband happy. It is
+in the lack of desire to understand and love
+that the real menace to the happiness of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23"></a><a href="images/23.png">[23]</a></span>
+home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful
+people approach nearest the ideal of love.</p>
+
+<p>It is taken for granted that the husband will
+perform the major duties of his relation, such
+as being a good citizen, a good business man,
+and hence a good provider for his family, and
+that he will in all things seek the mutual happiness
+of his family and himself.</p>
+
+<p>He must be considerate to his wife if he
+would keep her love and respect. He should
+confide his business to her as far as she, in her
+inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should
+teach her the things about it which it is important
+for her to know. Through his conversation
+alone she can get the rudiments of a
+good business training, and she will at least be
+able to comprehend the changes he may make
+or the difficulties in which he may find himself,
+and, seeing their cause, thus be able to sympathize,
+and not to blame, if reverses come. He
+should so train her in business ways and
+methods that, in case of his death or disability,
+she could attend to the business of his estate,
+even though she could not, or need not, earn
+money for the family.</p>
+
+<p>The work of adjusting the labors of each to
+those of the other, so that there shall be time
+for recreation and social life together, should
+be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be
+dropped until solved to mutual satisfaction. If<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24"></a><a href="images/24.png">[24]</a></span>
+the members of the family cannot move in the
+same social circle, and together, a serious
+breach of family happiness is threatened.</p>
+
+<p>There is no marriage license which gives the
+right to constant harping upon one another's
+faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule
+of friendship should prevail.</p>
+
+<p>A husband should not open his wife's letters,
+nor should a wife her husband's.</p>
+
+<p>All invitations are sent to a husband and wife
+jointly, except those for such occasions as a
+stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to which
+ladies only are invited. If for any reason
+either the husband or the wife cannot attend a
+function, the other also must decline. The exceptions
+to this rule are those cases where a
+man or a woman of particular talent moves in a
+circle the interests of which are not especially
+enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or
+where the health of the one precludes the
+possibility of attendance upon affairs of which
+the other should not be deprived. Too long or
+too frequent use of the excuses which cover
+these exceptions, reflects seriously upon the
+marital happiness of the pair.</p>
+
+<p>Although present together at a function, husband
+and wife are not paired off together in
+their entertainment. He takes some other
+woman out to dinner, and she is escorted by
+some other man. Even at dances and balls it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25"></a><a href="images/25.png">[25]</a></span>
+is not good form for them to dance together
+too frequently, except at public dances where
+they are two of a private party of four or six, in
+which case rotation of partners would bring
+them together more frequently than if a larger
+number of their personal friends were present.</p>
+
+<p>In America a wife never shares her husband's
+titles.</p>
+
+<p>Consultation and advice together on everything
+which concerns either is one of the privileges
+as well as the duties of marriage.</p>
+
+<p>To reproach for errors which were made with
+good motives and the best of judgment available
+at the time is always unjust.</p>
+
+<p>Always to greet and to part from each other
+with affection is the source of much happiness.</p>
+
+<p>Neither parent should be overambitious.
+Their personalities make the home, and if they
+are overworked and crowded with care, the
+home is not happy.</p>
+
+<p>The mother should always remember that
+home comes first, and should not absent herself
+from it save at those times and for that length
+of time when she is really not needed there.</p>
+
+<p>Neither husband nor wife should confide
+family matters to any one but each other, nor
+discuss each other with any other person.</p>
+
+<p>Companionship means the willingness to let
+one's own mood be dominated by another.
+Therefore, if they would be companionable, a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26"></a><a href="images/26.png">[26]</a></span>
+husband and wife should meet each other's
+moods halfway. For what is lost personally
+now and then, far more of greater mutual value
+is obtained; and it is largely by a habit of companionableness
+that the happiness of the home
+can be made so satisfying that there can arise no
+question of its permanence.</p>
+
+<p>To keep one's self up to one's best standard
+of speech and conduct is necessary, for only
+thus can the family standard be kept high.</p>
+
+<p>An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins
+the comfort of all. Companionship and mutual
+authority and helpfulness are the only foundations
+for a happy home.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>General Rules of Conduct</i></div>
+
+<p>Seek the companionship of the refined and
+the gentle-mannered if you would be the same.
+Move in that society in whose ways you are
+versed and whose rules you practice, if you
+would be appreciated or met with like courtesy.</p>
+
+<p>Never fail to say kind words to those in distress
+whom you meet. The kindness, however,
+must be genuine, and come from the heart,
+never in stereotyped and hollow phrases.</p>
+
+<p>The courtesy which offers attentions should
+be met with graciousness in receiving them.
+Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower
+than did the person who showed the courtesy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27"></a><a href="images/27.png">[27]</a></span>
+Attentions should be warmly accepted, and the
+gratitude expressed should be of the sort which
+does not forget.</p>
+
+<p>A woman, when in the presence of the men
+of the family, should expect that doors will be
+opened for her, that she will pass through them
+first, that packages will be carried, and errands
+run. She should not, however, let these little
+attentions be paid her by her father or an elderly
+relative.</p>
+
+<p>Enter a room filled with people in a dignified
+manner and with a slight bow to the general
+company. "We all do stamp our value on ourselves"
+is true enough, and our private stamp
+is never more conspicuous than when we confront
+a roomful of people. If we show modesty
+but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is
+no one who will not raise his personal estimate
+of us no matter what it was.</p>
+
+<p>The head should be well up, the body squarely
+erect, the chest out. Self-consciousness at such
+a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows the
+actual littleness which one is trying by an upright
+bearing to conceal. One should train one's
+self until the meeting of people, no matter who
+they may be, whether singly or in large numbers,
+is a matter of no particular concern as to
+deportment.</p>
+
+<p>Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close
+a door after you, without slamming.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></a><a href="images/28.png">[28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Never take another's seat unless you give it
+up upon his return.</p>
+
+<p>Dignified postures in sitting are marks of
+respect to yourself and the company you are
+with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair,
+nor with legs spread out, nor a lady with her
+legs crossed. Never put out your foot, in the
+street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may
+trouble others in passing by.</p>
+
+<p>When several people enter a room in a private
+house where you are sitting, always rise, especially
+if they are older than you. When an
+elderly person enters the room alone, it is always
+a graceful show of deference for all
+younger than he to rise and remain standing
+until he is seated.</p>
+
+<p>The greetings of night and morning are due
+to all members of one's household, and should
+not be omitted. The one who enters a room
+where others are assembled gives the salutation
+first.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning" is the appropriate greeting
+till noon. "Good afternoon" and "Good
+evening" are the greetings for the later hours
+of the day. "Good-by" is, however, the common
+and most acceptable form of farewell.
+After an evening's entertainment, it is permissible
+also to say "Good night" instead.
+"Good day," "Good afternoon," and "Good
+evening," used in farewell, are provincial.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></a><a href="images/29.png">[29]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I beg pardon," spoken with an inquiring
+inflection, is much better than simply "What?"
+when you do not hear what is said. The abruptness
+of the latter savors of rudeness.</p>
+
+<p>Whispering is not permissible in company,
+and it is not necessary in private. Therefore,
+whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room
+or in church, where the whisper is far more
+penetrating than a low, distinct tone.</p>
+
+<p>The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate,
+for you attract the attention of two floors of
+people, as well as publish your message. To
+carry on a conversation over the banisters is also
+equally bad. Even a word of inquiry should
+usually be spoken at short distance in a hall
+which leads to several rooms, and where many
+people may hear or be disturbed by the noise.
+Such calling should never be permitted to servants
+or children, for once begun its convenience
+will demand its continuance.</p>
+
+<p>Interrupting another's conversation is a serious
+breach of courtesy.</p>
+
+<p>Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of
+home life, no matter how glaring the faults
+which may be criticised. Faults have to be
+remedied, but every effort should be made to
+do it skillfully, and not make the remedy worse
+than the disease.</p>
+
+<p>Do not open your letters in company, except
+in case of emergency, and in the latter, ask the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></a><a href="images/30.png">[30]</a></span>
+permission of the company to do so. Never,
+under any circumstances, open a private letter
+addressed to another. If the one to whom it is
+addressed is near enough to give you permission
+to open it, he can usually open it himself; if
+he is not by to give permission, the letter should
+go to his legal representative, who then acts
+according to the law.</p>
+
+<p>Politeness as well as pity impel one to be
+especially polite to the caller or visitor who is
+uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By
+even an excess of hospitality one should try to
+make up for the inevitable slight which society
+always puts upon such a one.</p>
+
+<p>Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests.
+The close friend and the distant and far less
+welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy.</p>
+
+<p>The holding of a grudge, and the failing to
+forgive a slight for which apology has been
+made, are the height of discourtesy. It is invariably
+true that the same spirit with which
+you mete out social slights will be shown you
+in return. Resent each one, whether intentional
+or a mere oversight, and you will surely crush
+the spontaneity out of all attentions shown you,
+and be met only with distrust.</p>
+
+<p>When applied to for a favor, if you intend to
+grant it, grant it graciously and readily; if you
+intend to refuse, refuse with equal civility
+even though firmly. None but the unmannerly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31"></a><a href="images/31.png">[31]</a></span>
+will urge a request when the slightest token of
+refusal has been given.</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman may offer personal service to a
+lady, if there is need, tying her shoe, or hooking
+or buttoning her dress, or doing any other little
+act which she cannot herself do.</p>
+
+<p>In a company of people, it is the height of
+rudeness to call attention to the form or features
+or dress of any one present.</p>
+
+<p>In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively.
+At the dining table it should be
+used very sparingly. Better retire than be obnoxious
+to even the most fastidious.</p>
+
+<p>Never look over the shoulder of any one who
+is reading or writing, whether in the home, of
+in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else.</p>
+
+<p>Do not touch any one in order to arrest his
+attention, but address him.</p>
+
+<p>To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation
+of it which is next to stealing, unless one has
+permission of the owner to do so.</p>
+
+<p>Self-control in excitement of any sort is a
+most valuable trait. It always makes for comfort
+of one's self and of others, and often for
+safety.</p>
+
+<p>Do not pass between two persons who are
+talking together, if avoidable. If it is not, then
+apologize.</p>
+
+<p>Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy
+requires, no matter how unforgivable the of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></a><a href="images/32.png">[32]</a></span>fense,
+that an apology should be accepted.
+Friendship may not be restored, but friendly
+courtesy should always thereafter be maintained.</p>
+
+<p>Never neglect to perform a commission which
+a friend intrusted to you. Forgetfulness denotes
+lack of regard for the friend.</p>
+
+<p>Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed,
+in keeping every engagement.</p>
+
+<p>To make yourself the hero of your own story,
+or to speak much of your own performances,
+denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very
+distasteful to others, who also have achieved.</p>
+
+<p>One's social obligations should never be neglected
+unless one is determined to drop out from
+one's place entirely. To acknowledge one invitation
+and not another is surely to be discredited
+with all.</p>
+
+<p>Never question a child or a servant upon
+family matters.</p>
+
+<p>Fulfill your promises,&mdash;or do not promise.</p>
+
+<p>Deaf persons should be treated with special
+consideration. Act as though they could hear
+what is being said, yet without laying the burden
+of reply upon them, and without permitting
+it to be conspicuous in any way that they
+may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well to
+talk both louder and more expressively when
+they are present, but always more distinctly,
+and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33"></a><a href="images/33.png">[33]</a></span>
+them, or attract their attention by touching
+them suddenly. This latter is not polite to any
+one, but the stronger impulse to do it in case of
+the deaf must be withstood. It is always better
+to come within the range of their vision before
+speaking to them.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Table Etiquette</i></div>
+
+<p>A man should not seat himself at the dinner
+table until his wife or his hostess is seated.
+This rule holds good in the home, for if it is
+not practised there, it will not be observed gracefully
+in society.</p>
+
+<p>Seat yourself not too close to nor too far from
+the table.</p>
+
+<p>Erect position at table is the first requisite.
+One should so place one's seat that correct position
+is possible, and then should keep it.</p>
+
+<p>Elbows should never be placed upon the table.</p>
+
+<p>The hands should be kept quietly in the lap
+while not busy with the food. One should sit
+quietly at the table, without handling the cutlery
+or making useless motions, while waiting to be
+served. If there is some form of grace said, or
+some simple ceremony preliminary to the meal,
+one should pay respectful attention silently.</p>
+
+<p>Do not seem impatient to be served. The
+meal is a social occasion and the food is an adjunct
+to friendly intercourse. The success of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></a><a href="images/34.png">[34]</a></span>
+the meal depends equally perhaps upon the food
+and the conversation. Because of the interruptions
+of service, conversation cannot be long
+continued, or deeply thoughtful. It must be
+on subjects of no great moment nor grave interest,
+or on such subjects lightly touched; but it
+should be on bright, cheerful topics, and as
+witty as the talent of the company affords.</p>
+
+<p>Eating should be slow, and mastication of the
+food thorough, for reasons of health as well as
+for the sake of appearance. No meal can be
+eaten properly and adequately in less than
+thirty minutes, but more than an hour for a
+meal is sheer waste of both time and food, unless
+the company is large, the times of waiting
+between courses long, and the portions served
+very small.</p>
+
+<p>Eat silently. The noise of food being masticated
+is very distressing, and except in cases
+of crusts and crisp vegetables, perfectly unnecessary.</p>
+
+<p>The napkin is unfolded and spread over the
+lap. One is supposed to be skillful enough in
+raising food to the lips not to need the napkin
+in front of the dress or coat to prevent injury.</p>
+
+<p>In case you do not care for a course, you
+should not refuse it. Receive it, and take
+what part of it you desire, trying to take some;
+or, if you wish, leave it untouched, but do not
+have the appearance of being neglected or ill-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></a><a href="images/35.png">[35]</a></span>provided
+for, even if you do not eat of it. A
+little more attention to conversation on your
+part may make unnoticeable to those about you
+the fact that you do not eat of a certain course.</p>
+
+<p>If your preference is consulted as to food,
+whether the matter be trivial to you or not,
+express some preference so that the one who is
+serving, and who has asked to be guided, may
+be so far assisted.</p>
+
+<p>Never place food or waste matter upon the
+tablecloth. An exception to this may be made
+in regard to hard breads and celery, when individual
+dishes for these are not furnished. Always
+use the side of some one of the dishes
+about you for chips and scraps.</p>
+
+<p>The fork is used in general except with semi-liquid
+sauces, where a spoon is of necessity used.
+It is not permissible to eat peas with a spoon.</p>
+
+<p>The mouth should be closed while it contains
+food. It should not be too full, as it is often
+necessary to reply to some question when there
+is food in the mouth.</p>
+
+<p>Do not leave the table until you have quite
+ceased chewing.</p>
+
+<p>Be dainty and skillful in using your napkin
+and cutlery, avoiding soiling the tablecloth.</p>
+
+<p>Discussions and unpleasant topics of conversation
+should never be introduced. One should
+regard not only one's own aversions but those
+of the others present.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></a><a href="images/36.png">[36]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Never put your finger in your mouth at table,
+nor pick your teeth.</p>
+
+<p>Tidiness of personal appearance is never at a
+higher premium than at the dining table.
+Soiled hands, negligee dress, shirt sleeves, and
+disheveled hair are disgusting there.</p>
+
+<p>It is quite proper to take the last helping of
+any dish which may be passed you. To refrain
+looks as if you doubted the supply.</p>
+
+<p>Bread is not cut, but broken into fairly small
+pieces. One should never nibble from a large
+piece.</p>
+
+<p>It is permissible to eat crackers, olives, celery,
+radishes, salted nuts, crystallized fruits, corn
+on the cob, bonbons, and most raw fruits from
+the fingers. Apples, pears, and peaches are
+quartered, peeled, and then cut into small
+pieces. Cherries, plums, and grapes are eaten
+one by one, the stones being removed with the
+fingers and laid upon the plate.</p>
+
+<p>Cheese may be laid in small pieces on bread
+or crackers, and conveyed to the mouth in that
+way.</p>
+
+<p>Asparagus should be eaten with the fork, the
+part which is not readily broken off by it being
+left.</p>
+
+<p>At a formal meal a second helping of a dish
+is never offered, and should never be asked for;
+but at an informal dinner party it is not out of
+place to accept a second helping, if one is of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></a><a href="images/37.png">[37]</a></span>fered,
+but is complimentary to the hostess, who
+is responsible for the cook.</p>
+
+<p>In passing the plate for a second helping, the
+knife and fork should be laid across it full
+length,&mdash;not held in the hand until the plate
+returns.</p>
+
+<p>One may ask the waiter for a second or third
+glass of water, as even at a formal dinner that
+is always permissible.</p>
+
+<p>Lettuce, cress, and chicory are never cut with
+a knife, but rolled up on the fork and so conveyed
+to the mouth.</p>
+
+<p>Never leave the spoon in any cup while
+drinking from it. Liquid bouillon,&mdash;not jellied,&mdash;should
+be drunk from the bouillon cup.</p>
+
+<p>Spoons are used for grape fruit and oranges,
+when cut in halves and put upon a plate, for
+soft-boiled eggs, puddings, custards, and gelatins.</p>
+
+<p>With fruit, finger-bowls should always be
+passed. A bowl half-full of water is placed
+upon a plate covered with a doily. Unless the
+fruit is passed upon a second plate, the bowl
+and doily are removed from this and set at one
+side, the fruit being eaten from this plate. The
+fingers are then dipped, one hand at a time,
+into the water, and wiped upon the napkin.</p>
+
+<p>Salt should never be put upon the tablecloth,
+but always on the side of the plate, unless the
+individual salts are provided.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38"></a><a href="images/38.png">[38]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Never spit out a prune, peach, or cherry
+stone.</p>
+
+<p>Never hold food on the fork while you are
+talking, ready as soon as you reach a period to
+be put into your mouth. Having once picked
+it up, eat it promptly.</p>
+
+<p>A bit of bread, but nothing else, may be used,
+if necessary, to help one put food upon the fork.</p>
+
+<p>If one tastes of something which one does not
+care to swallow, it may be removed from the
+mouth with the closed left hand and placed on
+the plate. This should be done silently and
+with as little attention as possible.</p>
+
+<p>Never take a chicken or chop bone in the
+fingers. Cut the meat from the bone, leaving
+all that does not readily separate.</p>
+
+<p>Bread and butter plates, with the butter
+spreader, are always used, except at formal dinners,
+when the dinner-roll is laid in the fold
+of the napkin.</p>
+
+<p>The knife is used only for cutting, and for
+spreading butter on bread in the absence of
+butter spreaders.</p>
+
+<p>Almost all foods are eaten with the fork,
+which should always be used in the right hand
+with the tines up. It may be held in the left
+hand, tines down, when one is cutting, the knife
+being in the right hand.</p>
+
+<p>The soup spoon is an almost circular and
+quite deep spoon. Therefore it is obvious that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></a><a href="images/39.png">[39]</a></span>
+the soup should be noiselessly sipped from the
+side of it. When the oval dessert spoon is used
+for soup, it is especially necessary to sip the
+liquid from the side.</p>
+
+<p>Special spoon-shaped forks are provided for
+salads, ices, and creams, but for these spoons
+may always be substituted.</p>
+
+<p>No hot drink should be poured from the cup
+into the saucer to cool it.</p>
+
+<p>Toothpicks should not be passed at the table.
+They may be left on the sideboard, and if one
+is needed, it may be requested of the waiter
+or taken as you leave the room, but always used
+in private.</p>
+
+<p>Wherein elderly people do differently from
+the established ways of to-day, they are not to
+be criticised. Manners change even several
+times within a generation, and such may be
+simply following the customs they were taught.
+When the three-tined fork was the only one in
+common use, the blade of the knife was much
+more in requisition than now.</p>
+
+<p>On leaving the table the dishes of the last
+course should be left exactly as used, and the
+napkin left unfolded by the side of the plate.
+In case one is at home, or visiting a friend, and
+the napkins usually serve for two or three
+meals, then neatly fold it. Many families have
+clean napkins once a day, that is, at dinner.</p>
+
+<p>The chair should either be pushed quite back<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40"></a><a href="images/40.png">[40]</a></span>
+from the table, or close to it, so that others may
+easily pass by.</p>
+
+<p>If obliged to leave the table in the midst of
+a meal, one should address the hostess, saying,
+"Please excuse me," as he rises.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Anniversaries</i></div>
+
+<p>The observance of family festivals is a great
+bond of union when there are different ages and
+temperaments and interests represented in the
+family circle. In the home holidays, all meet
+on a common ground, and get once more into
+touch with each other. Yet the observance of
+such festivals should never be more elaborate
+than the purse will justify, nor should it be
+allowed to become a burden upon any one, even
+the most willing. The festive spirit is lost if
+it becomes obligatory.</p>
+
+<p>The observance of wedding anniversaries is
+usually an honored custom in the case of happy
+marriages, where children grow up who take
+delight in making much of the days which are
+sacred to their parents. Where this observance
+is not a matter of form or done with any ulterior
+motive, but is spontaneous and joyous, it
+adds much to the family happiness and
+strengthens the bonds, not only between
+parents but between parents and children.</p>
+
+<p>It is customary to make gifts of the sort signified<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></a><a href="images/41.png">[41]</a></span>
+in the name of the anniversary, and much
+ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out the
+idea. The anniversaries are named as follows:</p>
+
+<p>At the end of the first year comes a cotton
+wedding; at the end of the second, a paper
+wedding; the third, a linen wedding; the fifth,
+a wooden; the tenth, a tin wedding; the fifteenth,
+a crystal; the twentieth, linen; the
+twenty-fifth, silver; the thirtieth, pearl; fortieth,
+ruby; fiftieth, a golden wedding; and the
+sixtieth, a diamond wedding.</p>
+
+<p>These anniversaries may be added to, as by
+celebrating a leather wedding the third year,
+instead of two of linen; a woolen one the
+seventh; and a china one the twelfth.</p>
+
+<p>A birthday anniversary is a momentous
+event in the life of a child. Disregard of it is
+a heart-breaking slight. The celebrations of
+these events, even in families where they are
+numerous and resources few, can be made joyous
+if there is love enough to do it, even without
+money.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Giving of Presents</i></div>
+
+<p>The members of a family who have each
+other's welfare at heart, often have the impulse
+to give each other something which they may
+know is needed or wanted. While this impulse
+should be cultivated even with the most limited<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42"></a><a href="images/42.png">[42]</a></span>
+means, and the sense of generosity preserved
+even among the poorest,&mdash;where, to be frank,
+it is more apt to be found than among the rich,&mdash;there
+should be no counting upon such presents,
+nor obligation to make them imposed.
+This destroys their value as expressions of affection,
+and makes the custom harmful. For
+that reason it is not well to adhere to times
+and seasons, but at any time when the right
+opportunity offers and the impulse moves, give
+the gift that one desires to give.</p>
+
+<p>Where such an impulse is characteristic of
+a family, the members will naturally take
+pride in expressing in that way their appreciation
+of individual achievement, as when a member
+graduates from a high school or college, or
+attains his majority, or makes some special advance
+in any way. The spirit which welcomes
+achievement and recognizes it, becomes an incentive,
+perhaps the strongest there is, and
+surely the most noble, that of satisfying and
+pleasing a loved one. Life holds too much of
+defeat for the average person, for its minor victories
+to be passed over in silence and indifference.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Intimate Friends</i></div>
+
+<p>One's attitude toward intimate friends is
+either a pleasant memory or a sad revelation.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43"></a><a href="images/43.png">[43]</a></span>
+If one holds them a little lower than one's
+family, and expends upon them effort to charm
+second only to the effort habitually given to
+those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes
+a privilege, no matter what the circumstances,
+and a lifelong gratification and pleasure. If,
+however, one considers that intimate friends are
+entitled to less courtesy than the public, and are
+to be made to serve one's purpose more effectually
+than mere acquaintances do, then the burden
+of friendship is great, and soon dropped.
+Affection is not mercenary.</p>
+
+<p>One word in regard to the single monopolizing
+friendship. Many a marriage has been
+wrecked, and many a mother's friendship
+turned away, because some one friend, of about
+one's own age and tastes, of pronounced influence
+and exorbitant demands, has usurped, at
+first perhaps unconsciously but ever surely, the
+place in one's life, and at last in one's heart,
+that some member of the family should have
+taken.</p>
+
+<p>Some people seem naturally predisposed to
+this sort of friendship, and as soon as the intellectual
+zest is gone from absorbing companionship
+with one person, they turn to another.
+One such instance showed through
+twenty years a series of such friendships on the
+part of a well-meaning but foolish woman, in
+which her husband figured briefly, passing on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44"></a><a href="images/44.png">[44]</a></span>
+and off the stage as violently as, and even
+more speedily than, the other "friends."</p>
+
+<p>Too great familiarity with new acquaintances
+is impolite as well as unwise. It cannot
+fail of seeming forced, and even if the friendship
+is to be close and permanent, a hastily-laid
+foundation is never the most secure.</p>
+
+<p>One should never call a friend by his Christian
+name until he requests one to do so.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Illness in the Home</i></div>
+
+<p>Illness means that the order of the home life
+must be seriously disturbed. Consideration
+for the one who is ill, and effort to alleviate the
+suffering, should take the place of every other
+thought and ambition. It is necessary, of
+course, that the routine of living should be sufficiently
+preserved for the health of the others
+not to be affected, but matters of comfort and
+well-being for all take precedence of everything
+else.</p>
+
+<p>The well should make all wise sacrifices for
+the sake of the ill, such as being quiet about the
+house; never complaining at late or simple
+meals; setting aside personal plans and comfort
+in order to assist, if needed, in the care of
+the ill; looking out for the relief and comfort
+of the nurse, upon whom the major part of the
+responsibility rests; never grudging time or
+money in the effort to restore health; and,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45"></a><a href="images/45.png">[45]</a></span>
+above all, making these sacrifices in the spirit
+of love and not in that of martyrdom. Many
+people, who make even unreasonable sacrifices
+for others in times of emergency, do it so ungraciously,
+that one does not feel that they are
+entitled to the thanks which they still actually
+deserve and should receive.</p>
+
+<p>Courtesy demands that the claims of the
+nurse and doctor be settled promptly and generously.
+They were prompt in meeting the
+emergency. There should be no delay in acknowledging
+the obligation to them, even
+though their promptness is looked upon, by
+them and by society, as part of their professional
+duty.</p>
+
+<p>The convalescent takes such abnormally keen
+delight in being remembered, that it is obligatory
+upon the rest of his family and his friends
+not to forget him. Kindly messages should be
+frequent. Trifling gifts frequently are better
+than large gifts occasionally, unless the large
+gift is something greatly desired.</p>
+
+<p>One should never fail to offer the easiest and
+best seat in the room to an invalid, an elderly
+person, or a lady.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Courtesy to Servants</i></div>
+
+<p>It is safe to predict that, if the acumen of
+the business man, and the courtesy of the social
+leader and woman of true refinement were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46"></a><a href="images/46.png">[46]</a></span>
+brought to bear upon the servant problem, that
+would soon assume a different aspect.</p>
+
+<p>If the consideration that would be shown an
+ailing guest were shown an ailing servant, service
+would be more generously and more faithfully
+rendered.</p>
+
+<p>The waitress at the table is entitled to courtesy,
+but not to apologetic efforts to diminish
+her task. Appreciation may be shown in a
+"Thank you," or, "If you please," but such
+notice of her should be unobtrusively spoken, so
+as not to interfere with the general conversation
+about the table.</p>
+
+<p>The servant has every human right to civility,
+and the withholding of wages is no more culpable,
+if more illegal, than is the withholding
+of civil treatment, and the infliction of the indignity
+of impatience and harsh and unmerited
+reproof.</p>
+
+<p>All servants need careful training.</p>
+
+<p>Neatness is the first requisite. The lack of it
+most seriously reflects upon the management of
+the household.</p>
+
+<p>Servants should be trained to answer the
+door-bell promptly, reply civilly to questions,
+and in all things represent their master and
+mistress in a dignified and courteous way.
+They should not admit one person who calls
+socially, and deny another, unless under special
+and exceptional orders. They should not fail<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></a><a href="images/47.png">[47]</a></span>
+to deliver promptly all notes, messages, and
+cards which may be received. Verbal messages
+should be received and given with accuracy.</p>
+
+<p>The direct neglect of orders is unpardonable
+in an intelligent servant who has been well
+trained, and will not occur, even in the absence
+of the mistress, if the training has been
+explicit and complete and the servant is honorable,&mdash;as
+he should be in order to retain any
+position. A certain degree of initiative, too,
+should be cultivated in a servant who is given
+responsibility, so that he may meet an emergency
+with resourcefulness, in the absence of
+orders or specific instructions.</p>
+
+<p>The servant needs to respect his master and
+mistress. The firm, strong, honest, and just
+control is respected by servants, and is much
+preferred to the irresolute one, even when the
+latter overflows frequently in lax kindness.
+Each man needs to be made to do his duty, and
+the power that forces him to do it should be
+gracious but must be firm.</p>
+
+<p>To be familiar with servants is a fatal mistake,
+and eventually upsets and destroys all discipline.</p>
+
+<p>Servants should never be reproved in the presence
+of guests, or members of the family, or
+other servants, but should be talked with singly,
+and considerately, but plainly.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48"></a><a href="images/48.png">[48]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2>
+
+<h3>CONVERSATION AND CORRESPONDENCE</h3>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Art of Conversation</i></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Conversation</span> is a game we all play, but
+most of us with ill success. We do not take
+pains to learn the rules, and we do not consider
+the honor of winning sufficiently great. It is,
+however, an accomplishment that all who will
+may possess, that consumes a great deal of the
+time of all of us, and that yields great pleasure
+and profit if skillfully used.</p>
+
+<p>The subject of conversation should be pertinent,
+and of interest to all, or at least the
+majority, of those in the group of talkers. The
+treasures of experience and of knowledge should
+be grouped about the topic, and every one who
+contributes should take care to proffer nothing
+that the conversation has not logically called
+forth. Then the pleasure and the success of
+the time thus spent is measured only by the
+wit and mental resources of the talkers.</p>
+
+<p>News which has a universal interest is always<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></a><a href="images/49.png">[49]</a></span>
+a legitimate subject of discussion. Personal
+news which has only the interest of gossip
+or scandal is never permitted among cultured
+people, no more than are physiological
+facts or the records of criminology. It is a safe
+rule to speak of things rather than of persons.</p>
+
+<p>The brilliant conversationalist never monopolizes
+the talk, as such a method would prevent
+his most telling points or his keenest wit from
+having dramatic expression. If he tells an anecdote
+which holds the attention of the table or
+of the circle of listeners, he permits his duller
+neighbor to tell the next, not only that his own
+wit may have a foil, but that his next anecdote
+may meet the sharp edge of whetted appetites.</p>
+
+<p>If dining out or being entertained, do not
+play the host or hostess by leading the conversation,
+even though your talent in that direction
+be far superior to theirs. You thereby do
+them an injustice which is exceedingly discourteous
+on the part of one who has accepted
+of hospitality.</p>
+
+<p>Never interrupt. It kills the expression of
+any thought to interrupt the speaker, and every
+person, no matter how badly he may express
+himself, has a right to the effort and to what he
+can win of the hearer's attention.</p>
+
+<p>To supply a word which seems to fail the
+speaker is perhaps a friendly service, if he be a
+foreigner, but should never be tendered to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50"></a><a href="images/50.png">[50]</a></span>
+countryman, nor often to even the most grateful
+wrestler with the English language. It confuses
+any one, and the only polite way is to
+wait quietly until the speaker collects himself
+and finds his words.</p>
+
+<p>Do not contend any point. Among intelligent
+people questions may be pleasantly and
+earnestly debated, arguments weighed and
+tested, and yet the conversation be absolutely
+courteous, although conviction be deep on both
+sides. The impossibility, among untrained
+people, of debate without great emotion is
+what retards the progress of the intellectual life
+in many circles.</p>
+
+<p>One should never answer questions in general
+company that have been put to another.</p>
+
+<p>One should not note the points of discrepancy
+in the remarks of another, or the points of divergence
+in opinion. In society the subjects of
+conversation are subordinated to the human interest
+of the gathering, and points of harmony
+and agreement should be emphasized, leaving
+all others unnoted. One does not need to conceal
+his opinions, but he should not arrogantly
+or dogmatically publish them. Not opinions but
+individuals are of greater interest at that time,
+and the battle of ideas should be fought in another
+arena.</p>
+
+<p>This is the only safe rule to follow in mixed
+companies, or with people imperfectly trained<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></a><a href="images/51.png">[51]</a></span>
+socially. With highly intelligent people of congenial
+tastes, people who have ideas and convictions
+of great worth, and who are controlled
+enough to express them without undue or foolish
+emotion, the battle of ideas is fought most
+effectively and most to the benefit of society,
+in the drawing-room of that host and hostess
+whose own talents make them able to draw
+talent about them.</p>
+
+<p>Here all the rules of polite society may be
+observed, and yet the inner convictions, whether
+political, religious, or moral, of the circle, may
+find welcome expression and fair hearing. The
+growth of ideas and the progress of ideals in
+such a society is rapid and along the right lines.</p>
+
+<p>Never try to have the last word, but always
+refrain from saying it.</p>
+
+<p>Do not enter into t&ecirc;te-&agrave;-t&ecirc;te conversation in
+the presence of others, or refer to any topic of
+conversation which is not of common interest
+and commonly known. Mysterious allusions
+or assumed understandings with one or two
+members of a group are insults to the others.</p>
+
+<p>Inquiries into private affairs should never
+be made, but those on the subjects of age and
+income are especially obnoxious, and merit for
+the inquirer the cool silence which they usually
+obtain.</p>
+
+<p>The loud-voiced, aggressive person, whose
+opinions are alone of vital moment in his estimation,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52"></a><a href="images/52.png">[52]</a></span>
+and who will not yield a point in an
+argument, is much to be dreaded in any company,
+and effectually brings to an end any general
+conversation into which he intrudes.</p>
+
+<p>When addressing people face to face, it is
+necessary to give them their social or professional
+titles, if the latter be such as have influence
+on social rank, no matter if such titles are
+not inscribed on the visiting card of the person
+possessing them, or are purely honorary.</p>
+
+<p>It is not now customary to add "Madam," or
+"Sir," or the colloquial equivalent of the
+former,&mdash;"m'am" or "m'm,"&mdash;to "Yes"
+and "No," even by children.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Correspondence</i></div>
+
+<p>Letter writing is a high art, and can give
+great pleasure to one's friends. It must not,
+however, be intemperately indulged in, either
+in frequency, length of letters, or freedom of
+expression. A timely note is a great binder
+of friendship, and may give comfort and satisfaction
+much greater than a longer letter at a
+less important moment.</p>
+
+<p>The danger of letter writing is that one is
+tempted to pour out one's inmost feelings with
+thoughtless abandon, and find later that the
+relative or friend to whom the letter was addressed
+was unworthy of the confidence, or, if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53"></a><a href="images/53.png">[53]</a></span>
+not unworthy, was repelled by it, or indiscreet
+in guarding it. It is always wise for one to
+restrain his expression of himself, when writing
+or speaking, within the bounds of dignity and
+a self-respecting reserve.</p>
+
+<p>The classic letters of literature are usually
+those the fervor of expression and self-revelation
+of which gave them a strong human interest,
+but in the preservation and publication of
+which sacred confidence was violated. The
+average letter of the average man or woman is
+by no means a classic, or worthy of preservation.
+It should be destroyed when it has fulfilled
+the immediate purpose for which it was
+written. It may otherwise sometime be instrumental
+in bringing ridicule, if not shame, upon
+the unsuspecting writer.</p>
+
+<p>As letter writing is the most common form of
+composition, the general rules pertaining to that
+art should be observed in even the most informal
+of letters.</p>
+
+<p>All letters should be concise and definite.
+An involved style is a great waste of time and
+mental power, and has no advantage.</p>
+
+<p>A letter should be written on consecutive
+pages, unless it be very short, in which case it
+is preferable to use the first and third, rather
+than only the first and second, pages. It should
+never be written so that the sheet has to be
+turned around and the pages read at different<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></a><a href="images/54.png">[54]</a></span>
+angles. The turning over of the pages should
+be all that is necessary.</p>
+
+<p>If, however, social note paper is used for a
+short business letter to a business man, open the
+sheet out flat, turn it so that the left side becomes
+the top of the sheet, and use as you would
+a single large sheet of commercial paper. This
+enables the reader to see the whole matter at a
+glance.</p>
+
+<p>Do not scrawl your letter over the page; but
+do not, on the other hand, appear to economize
+in paper. Make the place and date lines clear
+and distinct. Set off the salutation from the
+body of the letter, and make the form of the
+letter upon the page artistic and concise.
+Paper is cheap, and the delight of receiving a
+letter well framed in even margins and written
+on regular, if invisible, lines is a pleasure easily
+afforded a friend.</p>
+
+<p>The letter should be begun about two inches
+down from the upper edge of the paper. The
+left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an
+inch, with paragraph indention an inch more.
+The lower margin also should be three-quarters
+of an inch, and the right margin should be kept
+even and, for best effect, almost as wide as the
+left margin.</p>
+
+<p>Do not run on the letter without paragraphing
+it, but place each subject in a paragraph by itself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></a><a href="images/55.png">[55]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A business letter should always go straight
+to the point.</p>
+
+<p>A note of apology should be direct, and say
+but the one thing which is its subject.</p>
+
+<p>A note asking a favor should do it simply
+and without unnecessary preamble. The sense
+of freedom or intimacy which permits one to
+ask a favor, should be great enough to obviate
+the necessity of long explanation, which seems
+like coaxing.</p>
+
+<p>The refusal of a request requires tact, and
+may necessitate less directness than courteous
+explanation: but it should not be so extended
+as to be apologetic.</p>
+
+<p>A letter of thanks is difficult, but too great
+effusiveness is as disgusting as too great abruptness
+is unsatisfactory. The elusive but happy
+medium is the work of the socially well-trained.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Paper</i></div>
+
+<p>The grade of paper used is a matter of no
+small moment. Some people affect a fastidiousness
+in color and quality quite out of keeping
+with the purpose to which the paper is to be
+put. Others affect an opposite slovenliness,
+which shows equal disregard of use and effectiveness.</p>
+
+<p>A good quality of paper is essential to elegance.
+Plain white or cream white paper, unlined,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></a><a href="images/56.png">[56]</a></span>
+with either rough or smooth finish, is
+always correct, and is the only kind for formal
+social correspondence. For more intimate letters
+ladies sometimes use a pale blue, delicate
+pearl-gray, light lavender or heliotrope, or a
+Colonial buff. There has lately been imported
+the style of an envelope with lining of another
+color and paper to match, in a variety of bright
+tints and striking designs. These styles, even
+in the daintier variations of them, appeal only
+to the younger members of the "smart set."
+Gentlemen never use any but white stationery.</p>
+
+<p>Correspondence cards are a great convenience
+for the very shortest of messages, where even
+the small note paper is too large. They are to
+social letter writing what the postal is in business.
+They, like the postal, should be used
+only for brief messages of no special importance,
+or for notifications.</p>
+
+<p>It is a matter of taste and of expense to have
+one's monogram or home address engraved at
+the top of choice note paper or letter paper.
+This may be in gilt, silver, or colors.</p>
+
+<p>The more common forms of heading are centered
+an inch below the top of the paper, but
+may be placed somewhat lower down, and to the
+right, leaving about three-quarters of an inch
+margin. In this case the date line follows.
+Engraved and embossed headings are the most
+elegant, and printed ones should be used only<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></a><a href="images/57.png">[57]</a></span>
+for business purposes. There can, however, be
+no objection to a very neatly printed small heading
+for personal business correspondence, if it
+is tastefully done in a quiet color. While it
+would not be acceptable for formal social correspondence,
+it does very well on more intimate
+letters and saves the necessity of writing each
+time the home address. It is best to use printed
+letterheads, rather than commit the blunder now
+so common, among those who do not habitually
+use engraved paper, of omitting the address
+from the letter. This, in case the letter is misdirected,
+and travels to the Dead-<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'letter'">Letter</ins> Office,
+prevents effectually its restoration to the writer.</p>
+
+<p>The size of note paper suited to the letter to
+be written should be used. Do not start with
+a small note size, and run on over several sheets.
+The letter size should have been taken in the
+first place, as the note is only for such messages
+as are essentially short.</p>
+
+<p>The forms of heading which are permissible
+at the top of the personal letter paper are the
+following: a crest, monogram, or the separate
+initials; the name of the home if, as an estate,
+it has a special title; the name of the city and
+state; or the street address, with the name of
+the city and state beneath.</p>
+
+<p>When in mourning, it is customary to use a
+note paper and envelopes surrounded with a
+narrow black border. The border should not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></a><a href="images/58.png">[58]</a></span>
+exceed three-eighths of an inch in width, and
+three-sixteenths of an inch during the period
+of half mourning. Sometimes only a black line
+with the monogram is used.</p>
+
+<p>Scented note paper is not in good taste, except
+perhaps that which has a very faint odor
+of violets or of orris root, or, in the Southland,
+of orange blossoms.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Ink</i></div>
+
+<p>Colored inks are not liked or approved of by
+society. A good blue-black ink is the best for
+all writing.</p>
+
+<p>Pale inks, too faint to be easily seen, and
+too lacking in stock to last any length of time,
+are useless.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Handwriting</i></div>
+
+<p>Illegibility in handwriting, or a stilted and
+difficult hand, is a great waste of time and
+energy, mainly the would-be reader's. There
+is no excuse, in these days of the typewriter and
+of common knowledge of stenography, for an
+illegible letter or manuscript, and the carelessness
+which writes too hurriedly to form the
+letters is excusable only in the gravest emergency
+and between intimate friends, where the
+inconvenience caused by it will be, for personal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></a><a href="images/59.png">[59]</a></span>
+reasons, gladly forgiven. Some handwritings
+which are thoroughly legible are extremely
+tiring to the reader, and the simpler, less ornate
+hand is for every purpose preferable.</p>
+
+<p>The affectation of a handwriting which enables
+you to put but few words on a page, is
+absurd and vulgar in the extreme. Yet, on the
+other hand, a too delicate or minute hand is
+not desirable. Legibility, neatness, and clearness
+are the salient virtues of a letter.</p>
+
+<p>The use of the typewriter is confined to business.
+It is still very bad form to use it for personal
+letters; but should elegant script and
+small, clear forms of type, such as are furnished
+by one or two of the machines now on
+the market, be in common use, there is little
+doubt but what the speed of service and the
+advantages of clearness would bring the typewriter
+into use in intimate, and perhaps at last
+into more formal, social correspondence. The
+tendency seems to lie in that direction.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Sealing, Stamping, and Directing Envelopes</i></div>
+
+<p>Neatness is especially necessary in the folding
+of letters, and in addressing, stamping, and
+sealing the envelopes. Haste and slovenliness
+here take away the suggestion of compliment
+in the courtesy of the note, and are as insulting
+as any rudeness of manner can well be.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></a><a href="images/60.png">[60]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The fastidious and leisurely still seal their
+envelopes with wax, imprinting thus their
+monogram. The well-gummed envelope now in
+vogue makes this superfluous for the ordinary
+informal letter. Addresses should be written
+with an eye to legibility, and the stamp should
+be affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the
+envelope with care and neatness. Social invitations,
+although engraved and therefore containing
+no handwriting, should always be sent
+with letter postage.</p>
+
+<p>Letters should be plainly and completely addressed
+to insure their safe and prompt delivery.</p>
+
+<p>Persons who have a large business correspondence
+should use for it envelopes on which
+their name and post office address are printed
+in the upper left-hand corner. In social correspondence
+these should be clearly written or
+engraved upon the back of the envelope.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes where a business firm is small or
+little known, it facilitates the delivery of a
+business letter to place the number of the office
+room in a building upon the envelope. Where,
+however, the firm is so large that probably the
+entire mail is carried from the post office in
+bags, or where a post office box is doubtless
+made use of instead of the carriers' delivery,
+even the street number is superfluous. Letters
+for departments should be so marked.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61"></a><a href="images/61.png">[61]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If the city is one of the largest in the country,
+the name of the state is not added; as,
+New York City, Boston, Chicago, and Philadelphia
+would stand alone.</p>
+
+<p>Only a business letter should have the word
+"City" in place of the name of the city, and
+it is better to write the name, omitting, if you
+choose, the state. This is permissible only when
+the central post office is used, as the postmark
+of any suburban station might cause confusion,
+and railway post office clerks, especially, should
+not be expected to guess accurately the intents
+of a writer.</p>
+
+<p>When street addresses like "Broadway,"
+"Park Row," "Aborn Drive," are written, it
+is superfluous to write "St." after them.</p>
+
+<p>The older form of writing an address was to
+end each line with a comma. The more recent
+style, and one coming into quite common use,
+is to omit the comma, using only such punctuation
+as the sense of the words within the line
+demands. Either way is permissible.</p>
+
+<p>Uniformity and concise clearness are characteristics
+of a well-written address. An address
+should be written as follows:</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="A Well-written address">
+<tr><td align='left'>Mr. Frankel Banchman,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 2em;">15 Westland Avenue,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 3em;">Philadelphia,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 5.5em;">Pa.</span></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62"></a><a href="images/62.png">[62]</a></span></p>
+<p>If the directions are to be included, then the
+following arrangement is better:</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="An address with directions">
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;">Mrs. Arthur L. Casson,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 6em;">North Maplewood,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 8em;">Chestnut County,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Care of Mr. Hiram Casson. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;N. Y.</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<p>The sign of per cent is no longer used to signify
+"care of."</p>
+
+<p>A clergyman is addressed "The Reverend
+John L. Wrigley, D. D.," or, less correctly,
+"Rev. John L. Wrigley, D. D.," which may be
+transposed to "Rev. Dr. John L. Wrigley."
+The omission of the article before the word
+"Reverend" is quite common.</p>
+
+<p>A physician is properly addressed, "Algernon
+Brigham, M. D.," and the salutation is
+"Dear Dr. Brigham," or "Dear Doctor," if he
+is an intimate friend. A man having the title
+of Doctor with any other significance than that
+of Doctor of Medicine, is usually addressed
+"Dr. Frederic V. Harlan." A very formal
+way, however, would be to address such a one,&mdash;supposing
+each of the titles to be his,&mdash;as
+"Professor Frederic V. Harlan, Ph. D." For
+the letter, the salutations "Dear Professor Harlan"
+and "Dear Dr. Harlan" are equally correct.</p>
+
+<p>A letter to the President of the United States<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63"></a><a href="images/63.png">[63]</a></span>
+should be addressed simply with that title and
+with no further specification of name, whether
+it be official or social: as, "To the President of
+the United States, Executive Mansion, Washington,
+D. C." The salutation should be simply
+"Sir." The conclusion should be, "I have the
+honor to remain Your obedient servant." If a
+social letter it may be addressed either formally
+or "To the President of the United States,
+(Christian name and surname), Executive
+Mansion," etc. The salutation would then be
+"My dear Mr. President."</p>
+
+<p>The Vice President should be addressed
+officially in the same form; that is, "To the
+Vice President, Hon. Chester A. Arthur." He
+should be saluted, officially, "Mr. Vice President,
+Sir;" socially, "My dear Mr. Arthur."</p>
+
+<p>In addressing the governor of a state the
+superscription should be, "To His Excellency,
+The Governor of Massachusetts, State House,
+Boston." The salutation should be "Sir," if
+official, but "Dear Governor Barnard," if social.
+The conclusion of an official letter should read,
+"I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Excellency's
+most obedient servant."</p>
+
+<p>The mayor of a city is addressed, "To His
+Honor, The Mayor of Chicago." Within, he is
+saluted officially as "Your Honor," socially as
+"My dear Mayor Sewall."</p>
+
+<p>Ambassadors of any country, whatever their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></a><a href="images/64.png">[64]</a></span>
+personal distinction, may be given the title of
+"Honorable," and their rank placed after the
+surname. As, "Honorable Whitelaw Reid,
+Ambassador to the Court of St. James." They
+may always be addressed as "Your Excellency."</p>
+
+<p>The members of the Cabinet of the President
+of the United States are always addressed as
+"Honorable," and the name of their department,
+or their title added: as, "The Honorable,
+The Secretary of State." To give the name
+would be superfluous, as in the case of the
+President. On formal invitations, however,
+when the Secretary and his wife are entertaining,
+the form is, "The Secretary of State and
+Mrs. Hay request the honor," etc.</p>
+
+<p>Invitations which come to one because of his
+official position are not intended for personal
+compliments, hence are addressed to the office,
+not to the man personally.</p>
+
+<p>An invitation from the President of the
+United States is equal to a command, and may
+not be declined. Other engagements must be
+broken for it, and only grave calamity or illness
+should excuse one, the excuse being frankly
+stated instead of mere formal expressions of
+regret.</p>
+
+<p>In ceremonious notes abbreviations should
+never be used.</p>
+
+<p>Should one address the ruler of England, the
+superscription would be, "His Majesty, The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></a><a href="images/65.png">[65]</a></span>
+King, London." The salutation would be,
+"Sir;" the conclusion, "I have the honor to be,
+Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient servant."</p>
+
+<p>"His Grace the Duke of Fife" is the form of
+address for a Duke; "My Lord Duke" being
+the salutation, and "Your Grace's most obedient
+servant" the subscription.</p>
+
+<p>In writing to the Pope of the Roman Catholic
+Church, one should address the letter to "His
+Holiness, Pope &mdash;&mdash;, Rome." The salutation
+should be "Your Holiness," but the conclusion
+remains the same form as for other dignitaries.
+A Cardinal of the same church is addressed
+"To His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal
+(surname)," and greeted as "Your Eminence."
+Formality should be strictly observed.</p>
+
+<p>An Archbishop of the Church of England is
+addressed, "The Most Reverend (name) His
+Grace the Lord Archbishop of (name of bishopric)."
+The salutation is "My Lord Archbishop;"
+the subscription, "I have the honor
+to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's
+most humble servant." A Bishop is addressed
+"The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of
+(name of diocese)." He is saluted "My Lord
+Bishop."</p>
+
+<p>In the United States the Bishops of the Protestant
+Episcopal Church, who are not here
+Lords, are addressed, singly, as "The Right
+Reverend (Christian name and surname).<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66"></a><a href="images/66.png">[66]</a></span>
+D. D.," or "The Right Reverend Bishop of
+(name of diocese)." They are saluted, singly,
+"Most Reverend Sir."</p>
+
+<p>The word "To" may precede a formal or
+ceremonious address, adding to the formality.</p>
+
+<p>An envelope containing a letter or card of
+introduction should never be sealed, if presented
+in person by the party introduced. If, however,
+he should deliver it by messenger,&mdash;an exceptional
+procedure, and one not to be followed by
+a man except in unusual circumstances,&mdash;the
+envelope may be sealed.</p>
+
+<p>No letter sent through the kindness of a
+friend should ever be sealed. The envelope
+should bear, in the lower left-hand corner, the
+acknowledgment of the favor in words like
+"Kindness of Miss Hallowell."</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters</i></div>
+
+<p>A stranger should be saluted as follows:
+"Mr. Eugene Motley, My dear Sir;" "Mrs.
+Alonzo Parmenter, Dear Madam;" or "Eugene
+Motley, Esq., My dear Sir." These are
+forms slightly more formal than "My dear Mr.
+Motley," or "My dear Mrs. Parmenter," which
+in America are strangely considered more
+formal than "Dear Mr. Motley," or "Dear
+Mrs. Parmenter," although in England the
+reverse is true. Therefore, a mere acquaintance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></a><a href="images/67.png">[67]</a></span>
+is addressed "My dear Mrs. Judson,"
+while a friend is addressed "Dear Mr. Clark."</p>
+
+<p>A married woman signs her name, as "Ethel
+Husted," and then puts her formal name,
+"Mrs. Hollis Husted," in brackets a little to
+the left of and a little below the other.</p>
+
+<p>Never sign a title. The name only is your
+signature. It may be necessary to write the
+title in brackets and at the left, as "(Miss)"
+or "(Mrs.)," but it should never be part of the
+signature. Such notes as demand the use of
+the title are put in the third person.</p>
+
+<p>The date should be at the end of a social
+note, in the lower left-hand corner, and should
+be written out, with the name of the year
+omitted and no figures used. The grammatical
+form is "The ninth of December," never "December
+the ninth," nor "December ninth."</p>
+
+<p>In business letters the salutation for a firm
+name is "Dear Sir," or "Gentlemen." Where
+two married women go into business together,
+there seems to be in English no combined title
+to take the place of the French, so that is generally
+used, and that is "Mesdames," abbreviated
+"Mmes." before their names.</p>
+
+<p>The formal conclusions of letters are: "Respectfully
+yours," used to a superior; "Sincerely
+yours," or "Truly yours," used largely
+in business, or the same forms with the adverb
+"Very" preceding them. Less formal terms<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></a><a href="images/68.png">[68]</a></span>
+are: "Cordially yours," "Fraternally yours,"
+or the pronoun with any appropriate adverb
+which the originality of the writer may suggest.
+Less abrupt, but not less formal, endings are:
+"With best regards, I am," etc.; "With kindest
+regards, I remain," etc.; "Believe me
+Very sincerely yours."</p>
+
+<p>For intimate letters either to relatives or
+friends no specified suggestions are needed.
+The ordinary form, "Your affectionate
+daughter," or "niece," etc., may, however, be
+employed, in dearth of special inspiration.</p>
+
+<p>Distinction is sometimes made between business
+and social letters by the position of "Yours,"&mdash;it
+being placed before the adverb in social correspondence,
+and after in business. The tone of
+the letter may be left to guide in this matter.
+There is an abruptness always somewhat unpleasant
+in the use of the adverb alone.</p>
+
+<p>Make the beginning and ending of a letter
+the same in degree of cordiality. Do not begin
+formally "My dear Madam," and end "Cordially
+yours."</p>
+
+<p>Every letter should be signed with the full
+name of the writer. A possible exception might
+be made of those addressed to members of one's
+own family, where the use of the Christian
+name only would mean no ambiguity, or where
+the signing of the surname gives a touch of
+formality. It is well, however, to remember<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69"></a><a href="images/69.png">[69]</a></span>
+that letters placed in the post take the chances
+of fortune, and, with the plainest of addresses,
+may, by the absence of the person or for some
+other cause, bring up in the Dead-Letter Office.
+Their resurrection there will depend upon their
+containing the full name of the sender as well
+as his address. If a letter is valuable enough
+to send, it is valuable enough to sign, even if
+the signature be double,&mdash;first the familiar or
+given name, and then, in the lower left-hand
+corner, the full name.</p>
+
+<p>It is well to use always the name which is
+your legal signature. This will prevent confusion,
+and forestall the possibility of your putting,
+from force of habit, the wrong form of
+your name upon a legal document.</p>
+
+<p>It is well to write one's name in full. Three
+complete names are none too many for individual
+distinction in so crowded a world as is ours.
+If, however, the middle one is represented by
+an initial only, always write it uniformly. It
+is better, if the form with initial only has not
+become really established, to use the full name,
+although it may be long.</p>
+
+<p>The form of one's signature and the style of
+the handwriting soon become habitual. Therefore,
+every effort should be made to make and
+keep it legible. An illegible signature is unpardonable,&mdash;save
+perhaps on a page at the
+top of which a printed or engraved letterhead<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></a><a href="images/70.png">[70]</a></span>
+gives the name in full. There is, however, the
+danger that the writer of the illegible signature
+will sometime sign his name on a legal document,
+or a sheet not bearing his letterhead, and
+the signature stand for nothing.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Letters of Introduction</i></div>
+
+<p>A letter of introduction should never be requested.
+If it is offered it is a sign of great
+regard. If it is greatly desired, it might be
+well to acquaint the person, in whose power it
+is to offer it, with the circumstances and interests
+which make it desirable, but never to do
+more than this.</p>
+
+<p>The advisability of giving letters of introduction
+depends upon the circumstances. Between
+business acquaintances and for business
+purposes, it is a common form of establishing
+connection among various interests, and, if done
+with discrimination, is to be approved. It
+should, however, even in business be done
+sparingly, as it is a matter of personal friendship,
+usually, and as no one has a right to
+make numerous or exacting demands upon one's
+friends.</p>
+
+<p>Socially it is a matter of great delicacy, and
+should have even more restrictions put upon it
+than does the introduction in company. For
+the written introduction is used because distance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71"></a><a href="images/71.png">[71]</a></span>
+prevents the personal one, and that usually
+throws the recipient of such a letter into the
+position of host to the traveler or newcomer,
+or at least of benefactor to some degree. It
+places upon him an obligation not involved in
+the verbal introduction, and the presumption
+is that he is to do some favor, or show some
+special attention.</p>
+
+<p>Letters of introduction may be explanatory
+or brief. Brevity is preferable, but circumstances
+must determine.</p>
+
+<p>A visiting card is often used with the words
+"Introducing Mr. Allan Golding to Mr. Morris,"
+or similar form, written across the top.
+The card should be enclosed in a small envelope
+and left unsealed.</p>
+
+<p>A brief form of letter simply says: "Permit
+me to introduce to your favorable notice Mr.
+Silas Emerson."</p>
+
+<p>A more explicit form would be a letter the
+body of which would resemble the following:</p>
+
+<p>"The bearer, Mr. Mark W. Allen, who is an
+old friend and neighbor of mine, represents the
+Altmann Irrigation Company, and is desirous
+of obtaining information in regard to the system
+of waterways lately put into your county.
+Knowing your influential position in regard to
+all matters of public interest, I have sent him
+to you in the hope that you may be able to put
+him in touch with the people who will give him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></a><a href="images/72.png">[72]</a></span>
+the desired information. Any favor that you
+may do Mr. Allen, or any courtesy that you
+may extend to him, will be deeply appreciated
+by me."</p>
+
+<p>A purely social letter of introduction would
+say in substance: "Mrs. Arthur L. Westmore,
+who presents this letter to you, is an intimate
+and cherished friend of mine, and one whom I
+know you would desire to meet. She is to
+spend some little time in your city, and any
+courtesy that you may do her I shall deeply
+appreciate. I have told her of our friendship,
+and she knows how highly I value you, and is
+eager to meet you."</p>
+
+<p>When a letter of introduction is given, it is
+well to write the receiver concerning the friend
+who will present it, that he may not be taken
+unawares, nor continue long ignorant of the
+claims of that friend upon him.</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman usually presents such a letter
+by calling in person and sending in the letter,
+together with one of his personal cards, by the
+servant who answers the bell, or by the office
+boy. A lady usually mails the letter and one
+of her cards giving her address. She should
+receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer
+of hospitality within a day or two.</p>
+
+<p>A person who makes use of a letter of introduction
+should acknowledge to the giver the
+courtesy he has received, with due gratitude.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></a><a href="images/73.png">[73]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Letters of Recommendation</i></div>
+
+<p>Letters of recommendation should be sparingly
+given. It is becoming less and less important,
+in the minds of experienced employers,
+to demand references. The personality of the
+applicant counts, and the varying traits which
+different positions cultivate make the experiences
+of the past of but little guidance, save
+in a broad and general way.</p>
+
+<p>The giving of recommendations at random,
+"To whom it may concern," is also less done
+than formerly, as there is such uncertainty in
+regard to their use. Instead of this, the servant
+is told that she may use the former mistress's
+name as reference. The new, would-be employer
+then writes a note of inquiry to the
+former employer.</p>
+
+<p>In replying to such a note great conscientiousness
+should be shown. Full justice should
+be done the servant. Only the truth should be
+told, and as much of it as a generous heart
+and wise conscience, coupled with a sense of
+responsibility toward the inquirer, permit.
+These letters should be brief and not effusive
+on any point, nor evasive of the issue at stake.</p>
+
+<p>Never write to another, asking for information,
+or a favor of any kind, without enclosing
+a stamped and addressed envelope for reply.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74"></a><a href="images/74.png">[74]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Third-person Letters</i></div>
+
+<p>Letters are written in the third person in answer
+to formal invitations so worded, and in
+correspondence between people but slightly acquainted
+or known to each other only by reputation,
+persons not social equals, and by tradespeople
+and their patrons.</p>
+
+<p>Great care should be taken to preserve the
+impersonal diction throughout the letter, and to
+refrain from signing it. The tone should always
+be formal and very polite.</p>
+
+<p>An order may take the form of a request, as
+"Will Mr. Sutherland please .&nbsp;.&nbsp;. and oblige,"
+with the signature of the writer.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Informal Invitations and Announcements</i></div>
+
+<p>In inviting a friend to visit you, it is customary
+to mention the length of the visit, setting
+a definite date for it and limit to it. This
+makes it possible for both hostess and guest to
+arrange other engagements.</p>
+
+<p>A time-table of the trains, if the guest comes
+from the distance, with an account of the trolley
+lines, if from near at hand, should be enclosed.</p>
+
+<p>The engagement of a daughter may be announced
+by informal notes to one's whole circle
+of friends and acquaintances. The following<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75"></a><a href="images/75.png">[75]</a></span>
+form of note may serve as a suggestion: "I am
+sure that you will join our household in sympathy
+with Eleanor in her happiness when I
+tell you that she has just announced her engagement
+to Mr. Harold Farnham, a man of whom
+her father and I thoroughly approve. The wedding
+will not take place for some months, but
+felicitations are in order."</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Letters of Condolence</i></div>
+
+<p>A letter of condolence should be short and
+quite sincere, or else the courteous custom of
+sending it is more honored in the breach than
+in the observance.</p>
+
+<p>Such letters should be sent very promptly.</p>
+
+<p>To expatiate to any extent whatever upon the
+bereavement is heartless or thoughtless, and as
+there is no danger of ambiguity, the letter does
+not need to account for itself in any way.</p>
+
+<p>The following letter is as explicit as any letter
+of condolence need ever be, and the second
+form is preferable, unless great intimacy makes
+the less abrupt one permissible.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">"<span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Legrow</span>:<br />
+
+<p>I have read of your bereavement with the
+deepest sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I
+sympathize with you and your children, or how
+my heart aches for you in your loneliness. May<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></a><a href="images/76.png">[76]</a></span>
+you have strength and grace to bear up under
+the great loss you have sustained.</p>
+
+<div class='right'>
+<span style="margin-right: 6em;">Sincerely yours,</span><br />
+<span class="smcap">Margaret Edelstone</span>."<br />
+</div>
+<br />
+
+"<span class="smcap">Dear Mrs. Hilcox</span>:
+
+<p>You have my deepest sympathy.</p>
+
+<div class='right'>
+<span style="margin-right: 6em;">Ever cordially yours,</span><br />
+<span class="smcap">Mildred Hasseltine</span>."<br />
+</div></div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Answering Letters</i></div>
+
+<p>Business letters should be answered by return
+mail, as should also all invitations to dinner or
+luncheon.</p>
+
+<p>All invitations should be answered within a
+day if possible, because delay looks like a reluctance
+to accept. They should certainly be
+answered, either personally or by letter, within
+a week after the invitation is received.</p>
+
+<p>Friendly letters should have such promptness
+of response as circumstances and the intimacy
+of the friendship demand.</p>
+
+<p>Notes of congratulation and felicitation
+should be sent promptly after receiving the card
+or note announcement of an engagement or a
+birth, and in the latter case at least, should be
+followed by a call.</p>
+
+<p>A personal visiting card, with the words
+"Thank you for sympathy" written over the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></a><a href="images/77.png">[77]</a></span>
+name, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of
+condolence. To very intimate friends, however,
+the spontaneous note of thanks would be more
+courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such
+a time, to attend to matters of social intercourse,
+the sending of the card is always permissible,
+and can occasion no offense, even if the more
+intimate acknowledgment was hoped for.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78"></a><a href="images/78.png">[78]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER V</h2>
+
+<h3>CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS</h3>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Greetings and Recognitions</i></div>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> bow and the handshake are the accepted
+forms of greeting in the United States to-day.
+The bow varies from a very slight inclination
+of the head, as one gentleman passes another,
+or from the quick touching of the hat with the
+hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military
+salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow
+which savors of European ceremonial courtesy.</p>
+
+<p>The usual form is a bending of the head and
+shoulders, with the eyes kept on those of the
+person greeted, the hat being removed from
+the head and held in the right hand during the
+bow,&mdash;which is at once brief, deferential, and
+dignified. It may be accompanied by the handshake,
+in which case the hat is lifted by the left
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>The degree of the depth of the bow is usually
+spontaneous, determined by the deference felt,
+or the emotions which the meeting may summon.
+It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></a><a href="images/79.png">[79]</a></span>
+or real disdain, for they are sure to reveal themselves
+in the artificiality of the pose, or in the
+carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement
+of an eyelash, and usually nobody is deceived.</p>
+
+<p>The correct position for an extreme bow is
+with the feet near together, the legs straight,
+and the entire body inclined from the hips.
+This is somewhat too extreme for common use,
+and should be modified always in public, the
+less elaborate bow being much preferable upon
+the street or in public places.</p>
+
+<p>A woman bows more erectly than a man does,
+and gives perhaps as cordial an impression by
+the greater expressiveness of her greeting, which
+should always be characteristic, and never mechanical,
+or in imitation of others, whose natural
+traits may be far different, however admirable
+she may consider their style to be. It is only
+when she meets some one her senior, or in much
+more important social position, or one whom
+she specially delights to honor, that she elaborates
+her bow, or curtsies if not in public and
+if the occasion admit of the formality.</p>
+
+<p>A lady should be straightforward in her
+greeting, never condescending to the coquettish
+mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the
+bow. She should sink her personal consciousness
+in the fact of meeting another, and should
+not intrude it into the intellectual interest of
+such a meeting.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80"></a><a href="images/80.png">[80]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The handshake is accomplished by extending
+the right hand horizontally from the elbow and
+clasping, between the closed four fingers and
+thumb of the hand, the closed four fingers of
+the friend's right hand, then quietly shaking it.
+This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped
+hands,&mdash;not the elbow,&mdash;to the height of the
+shoulders, and there mildly shaking them, or
+clasping them with a slight pressure and letting
+them drop,&mdash;styles savoring of affectation.
+The impulse prompting the handshake,&mdash;that
+of getting together in intimate personal greeting,&mdash;is
+accomplished when the clasp is ended,
+and vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special
+pressure, or continued holding of the hand, are
+all alike unpardonable.</p>
+
+<p>The bow is the least sign of recognition, and
+may mean little or much, but its significance is
+known only to the two concerned. While it is
+permissible in public places to make its cordiality,
+or lack of it, apparent, it is not permissible
+to greet fellow guests at any private
+social function with either more or less than a
+uniform and impartial courtesy.</p>
+
+<p>The bow does not mean that one has a calling
+acquaintance. It may mean only a casual
+knowledge of one another's existence, due to
+some brief coming together. Intentionally to
+neglect to bow, after a bowing acquaintance has
+once been established, is an open affront, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81"></a><a href="images/81.png">[81]</a></span>
+denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult.
+The dropping of an acquaintance by refusal to
+recognize, may, in our complicated social system,
+sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified
+by the necessity for society to safeguard
+itself against some of the more flagrant social
+abuses.</p>
+
+<p>It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man
+whom she knows, to bow first. Indeed, the man
+always waits for her to do so, unless he is a very
+intimate friend. A woman should always be
+sure, before bowing to a man, that she knows
+him and that she has caught his eye.</p>
+
+<p>When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he
+lifts his hat when she bows to an acquaintance,
+even if the person is not known to him. So,
+also, when he is alone and meets a man whom
+he knows, who is in the company of a lady, he
+lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he
+meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes
+his hat.</p>
+
+<p>When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or
+stops to speak with one only, it is customary for
+him to retain his hat in his hand until she requests
+him to replace it. This is done with
+social superiors and to show great respect, being
+more ceremonial than finds common acceptance
+among Americans.</p>
+
+<p>When he is with a gentleman who bows to a
+lady, he also lifts his hat. It is proper for him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82"></a><a href="images/82.png">[82]</a></span>
+to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a
+lady, even though a total stranger, and upon
+leaving a lady with whom he or a person accompanying
+him has been talking.</p>
+
+<p>It is well to return a bow which is directed
+to you, even if you do not know the one bowing.
+This often saves considerable embarrassment to
+the one who has for the moment mistaken you
+for some one else.</p>
+
+<p>When passing before ladies seated in a lecture
+hall, or concert, a gentleman always asks
+their pardon for troubling them.</p>
+
+<p>In passing or repassing on the street or
+promenade, a single bow is sufficient recognition,
+even though you may meet an acquaintance
+several times.</p>
+
+<p>A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes
+hands with the stranger with the same cordiality
+as with the friend.</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman when greeting a lady never
+takes the initiative in hand-shaking. If a lady
+offers her hand, however, it would be very rude
+indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy.</p>
+
+<p>Persons who have met at the house of a
+mutual friend, but have not been introduced,
+are under no obligation to bow when they meet
+elsewhere afterward, and usually do not.</p>
+
+<p>When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in
+the corridor of a hotel, in the elevator of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></a><a href="images/83.png">[83]</a></span>
+private apartment house, or in the public rooms
+of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be
+a stranger.</p>
+
+<p>This rule does not prevail on the staircases
+and in the corridors of office buildings, with the
+exception, perhaps, of banks and such offices as
+people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness
+of courtesy has made men feel that, as women
+are winning an equality of position in the business
+field, a delicate way of recognizing that
+equality is by giving them a comradely deference
+rather than paying them the social attentions.
+Another marked expression of this is in
+the fact that a business man, when walking on
+the street with a business woman, does not interrupt
+their conversation by changing sides with
+her in order to keep constantly on the outside
+of the walk.</p>
+
+<p>An indication of the two kinds of courtesy,
+social and business, is often grotesquely shown
+when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife
+of one of the men present, enters an office where
+there are both men and women of equal business
+importance and social rank. There is an
+elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who
+is in private life, which would not be paid, and
+would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if paid,
+to the business woman, even though she were at
+once the active vice president of the corporation
+and wife of the president.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></a><a href="images/84.png">[84]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Introductions</i></div>
+
+<p>The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs.
+Allen, may I present Mr. Brown?" Or, "Mrs.
+Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs.
+Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier."
+Where, however, the permission need not be
+suggested, and the relative standing of the
+people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs.
+Gleason, Mr. Ansel."</p>
+
+<p>When it is necessary to introduce one person
+to several, the form is, "Mrs. Gladstone, I want
+you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn,
+Mr. Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one
+introduced simply repeats each name and smiles
+as she greets each in turn.</p>
+
+<p>Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom,
+I want you to know my friend, Mr.
+Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because
+of its definiteness.</p>
+
+<p>The response to an introduction is, "I am
+happy to meet you," or, "I am very glad to
+meet you."</p>
+
+<p>If one does not catch the name of the person
+introduced, it is proper to ask it, saying,
+"Pardon me, but I did not understand the
+name."</p>
+
+<p>Introductions should always be spoken distinctly,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></a><a href="images/85.png">[85]</a></span>especially the names. If, in introducing,
+one can add a sentence which will give
+a subject of conversation, the preliminaries of
+acquaintance may be speedily passed, and memorable
+information and real profit be gleaned
+from even a casual meeting.</p>
+
+<p>It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct
+to be quick to catch and retain in memory a face
+and name from even a brief introduction, and
+the tacit compliment to the person so remembered
+is apt to win his favor.</p>
+
+<p>Persons who have not been introduced are not
+considered acquainted. The exceptions to this
+rule are the guests under a common roof, while
+they are there.</p>
+
+<p>Introductions should never be indiscriminately
+made. There should be willingness, if
+not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A
+hostess is, however, warranted in introducing
+two people who she knows will be congenial, or
+if they have before expressed a desire to become
+acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the
+introduction will be received by either, they
+should not be introduced.</p>
+
+<p>One should never introduce two acquaintances
+who reside in the same town but move in different
+social circles, unless each had desired the
+introduction.</p>
+
+<p>If there is a difference of station or age, then
+it is necessary only to ask the older or more
+prominent person whether the introduction<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></a><a href="images/86.png">[86]</a></span>
+would be acceptable. This should be done
+quietly, and quite out of hearing or knowledge
+of the other person concerned.</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for
+an introduction to a lady whom he wishes to
+meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the
+mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman
+until he has made sure that the lady is
+willing.</p>
+
+<p>It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one
+another indiscriminately, nor should ladies be
+so introduced. One wishes to keep the boundaries
+of one's acquaintance within certain
+definite limits, and choice is easier made before
+acquaintance than after. So, one shows great
+care in offering introductions to others, and
+exercises the same care for one's self.</p>
+
+<p>If a hostess and her guest are out walking
+together, the hostess would introduce to her
+guest every friend who happened to stop and
+speak with her, and the guest, should she meet
+acquaintances of her own, would introduce each
+of them to her hostess. This is practically the
+only case where indiscriminate introducing is
+good form, and here the obligations of hospitality
+safeguard it.</p>
+
+<p>A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman
+who has been introduced to her, but a bow, a
+smile, and a repetition of the name are all that
+is necessary where several introductions are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></a><a href="images/87.png">[87]</a></span>
+being made, as at a large reception or dancing
+party.</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman always offers his hand to another
+gentleman on being introduced.</p>
+
+<p>An elderly lady may offer her hand in all
+introductions with perfect propriety.</p>
+
+<p>If, while walking out with a friend, you meet
+another, do not introduce the two. A transient
+meeting is of no particular moment to them,
+and their friendship or acquaintance with you
+is not necessarily of strong enough interest to
+make them desire acquaintance. If, however,
+you meet at some public place, and are detained
+there together for several minutes, then the introduction
+should be given.</p>
+
+<p>When meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance,
+friends may introduce friends, but
+it is preferable to leave the introductions to the
+hostess.</p>
+
+<p>It is no longer necessary to introduce each
+guest to everybody else at a party. Introductions
+are made as opportunity or necessity may
+dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and
+wholesale introductions relieves two very embarrassing
+situations,&mdash;that of being introduced
+by announcement to a whole roomful of
+people, and that of being taken around and
+introduced to them singly.</p>
+
+<p>A mother may present her son, or a sister her
+brother, or a wife her husband, if she so desires,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88"></a><a href="images/88.png">[88]</a></span>
+without any question as to the propriety of it.
+A man should not, on the other hand, introduce
+another man to his wife, or a son or brother
+make a presentation of a man to his mother or
+sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance
+could not but be agreeable to the lady, and unless
+it meets with his own approval. For it is
+a man's place always to safeguard a woman
+against undesirable acquaintances.</p>
+
+<p>A woman, in introducing her husband, gives
+him his title, if he has one, as "Judge Hartwell,"
+"Doctor Foley." The wife of the President
+of the United States speaks of him only
+as "The President," and in presenting people
+to him, he is always addressed as "Mr. President,"
+with the invariable omission of his surname.</p>
+
+<p>A friend or acquaintance, no matter how distinguished,
+is always presented to one's father
+or mother or one's intimate relative, where the
+intimacy of the relation makes an honor more
+distinguishing, in the mind of the introducer,
+than any of reputation or position.</p>
+
+<p>A young man should be introduced to an
+older man, a young woman to an older woman.</p>
+
+<p>A man is always presented to a woman, never
+the reverse.</p>
+
+<p>If a lady is seated and a man is presented to
+her, she need not rise. If two ladies, both
+seated, are introduced to each other, they should<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89"></a><a href="images/89.png">[89]</a></span>
+rise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which
+case both remain seated. Two gentlemen,
+though both are seated, rise and shake hands
+when introduced.</p>
+
+<p>A young lady always rises when an elderly
+person is introduced.</p>
+
+<p>Introductions are not made at table. The
+guests at a dinner party should be presented to
+one another in the drawing-room before coming
+to the table, and if that is impossible, as many
+should be introduced as may be, especially those
+who are to sit beside or near or opposite each
+other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he
+has not met, the man takes the initiative in
+speaking a few words as soon as he takes his
+seat, to which the lady responds always cordially,
+keeping up more or less of a conversation
+during the dinner.</p>
+
+<p>At dancing parties all those who are giving
+the party, as well as all the ushers and those
+who receive, make introductions as general as
+possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the
+guests during the evening.</p>
+
+<p>An introduction at a dance carries with it
+the obligation on the part of the man to ask the
+woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his
+request unless her card is full.</p>
+
+<p>When traveling great care should be taken
+as to introductions.</p>
+
+<p>As a guest one should be ready and willing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90"></a><a href="images/90.png">[90]</a></span>
+to meet any one whom his host or hostess may
+introduce, even though it be an enemy. The
+obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more
+heavily than in this matter. They demand that
+impartial courtesy should be shown to every
+one.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Calls</i></div>
+
+<p>Calls must be made in person, rather than by
+card left by messenger or post, after an invitation
+to dinner, luncheon, supper, or similar
+function, and that within a week or, at farthest,
+two weeks of the date of the affair. One should
+also call in person within two weeks of any entertainment
+to which one has been asked, especially
+if one has attended.</p>
+
+<p>One need repay formal calls, where no invitation
+to any social occasion has been received,
+only once a year. Even in this case, cards may
+be sent by mail. In the country it is usual to
+go in person, though one does not ask if the lady
+of the house is at home.</p>
+
+<p>Calls should be made upon the "At Home"
+day, if one is engraved upon the card. If a
+person is ill, a near relative, or intimate friend,
+may leave a card for her at the house of the
+friend upon whom she wished to call.</p>
+
+<p>Society holds young people who are free to
+attend parties and entertainments under ste<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></a><a href="images/91.png">[91]</a></span>rn
+obligation to pay their social calls. Young
+mothers, professional women, students, invalids,
+and semi-invalids are not expected to conform
+rigidly to the same rules. If a young woman
+can go to a party to amuse herself, she must call
+afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the
+invitation.</p>
+
+<p>If a mother cannot call in person, her
+daughter or some one else may pay the
+necessary calls in her stead. Or she may invite
+the people whom she would otherwise call
+on, to an afternoon tea, which is more of a
+compliment than a call.</p>
+
+<p>In calling at a house, should the door be
+opened by a member of the family, the caller
+does not present her card to the lady or gentleman,
+but steps in, asking for the person whom
+she wants to see. She may leave her card unobtrusively
+on the table when she goes out.</p>
+
+<p>If a maid opens the door, the card is handed
+to her and received on a small tray. No well-trained
+maid ever extends her hand to receive
+a visiting card.</p>
+
+<p>If a caller wishes to be very formal, she
+leaves a card for every lady in the family on
+whom she wishes to call.</p>
+
+<p>In the beginning of the season a wife always
+leaves her husband's card with her own, and
+she usually does this also when making a call
+at the close of the season.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92"></a><a href="images/92.png">[92]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>An unmarried woman calling on a married
+friend leaves only one card. If the friend has
+daughters or is entertaining a guest, a card may
+be left for each.</p>
+
+<p>A lady always rises to receive a visitor.</p>
+
+<p>It takes good judgment to know when to go,
+but it should be cultivated and practised.
+Lingering in taking one's leave is a great weariness,
+to one's hostess if not to one's self.</p>
+
+<p>After a birth calls are made upon the mother
+after the child is a month old.</p>
+
+<p>After a death the friends of the family
+should call in person inside of a month. The
+members of the family do not receive them,
+however, unless they wish to do so.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Social Calls of Men</i></div>
+
+<p>A man never carries or leaves the cards of
+other men, nor can he leave cards for any of
+the women of his family.</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon
+at home leaves in the card tray, on entering the
+house, a card for his hostess and one for his
+host. The card for his host must be left, even
+if that gentleman does not appear in the drawing-room,
+provided the caller is acquainted with
+him, and providing he is calling in acknowledgment
+of some hospitality recently received.</p>
+
+<p>If there is a host, hostess, and young lady<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></a><a href="images/93.png">[93]</a></span>
+daughter in the house, and the caller is a friend
+of the latter, he leaves three cards.</p>
+
+<p>The man who is making his first or last call
+for the season on the regular afternoon at home,
+leaves one card for each of the ladies, and each
+one of the men of the household whose acquaintance
+he can claim.</p>
+
+<p>When a man calls on a lady's day at home,
+and his call has no reference to any social debts,
+he leaves only one card in the tray. If he is
+somewhat intimate in the house where the call
+is paid, he leaves no card at all.</p>
+
+<p>A man does not call upon a woman unless she
+invites him, or some member of her family does,
+or he goes with a mutual friend who has made
+sure of his welcome. A woman may say to a
+man, "Mother and I are usually at home Fridays,
+and would like to have you call," or some
+other form of invitation which denotes cordiality.</p>
+
+<p>A man who desires to call in particular upon
+one lady, in a family where there are several,
+hands his card to the servant with the words,
+"Please give this to Miss Curley, and I
+would like to see all the other ladies also."
+The ladies appear and greet him, withdrawing
+that he may call upon the one he especially
+wished to see.</p>
+
+<p>If calling upon a guest in a home, you always
+ask for the hostess also.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94"></a><a href="images/94.png">[94]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A man retains his hat, gloves, and walking
+stick in hand during a formal call, though he
+may have left his overcoat in the hall.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>First Calls</i></div>
+
+<p>In America it is the usual custom for residents
+of the city or town to call first upon newcomers.
+Washington is a well-known exception
+to this rule, as strangers there call first upon
+government officials and their families. In
+most European cities newcomers call first upon
+those already in residence. The residents, from
+the officials down, return their cards, and the
+visitor or newcomer receives invitations to social
+functions.</p>
+
+<p>In practice the resident does not usually
+know anything about the stranger, and may
+not have even heard of her arrival. Sometimes
+the newcomer sends out cards for several days
+in a month, to those with whom she would like
+to become acquainted. If she can enclose the
+card of a mutual friend, as a silent voucher for
+her social standing, her position is more quickly
+and more surely granted her.</p>
+
+<p>Clergymen and their families, brides, and
+persons of note are entitled to receive first calls.
+The older residents of the community are expected
+to lead in the list of callers who welcome
+the newcomers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95"></a><a href="images/95.png">[95]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>First calls should be promptly returned,
+within a week at the very latest.</p>
+
+<p>A married woman making a first call upon a
+married friend sends one of her own and two
+of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96"></a><a href="images/96.png">[96]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2>
+
+<h3>The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation</h3>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Form of Card</i></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man's</span> card is usually one and a half by
+three inches in size, and made of fairly stiff
+bristol board. A woman's card is usually about
+two and three-sixteenths by three inches, and
+made of dull-finish, fine, medium-weight bristol
+board.</p>
+
+<p>The color of cards is a fine pearl white.
+Cream or tinted cards are never in good form.</p>
+
+<p>The engraving varies from plain script to
+elaborate Old English text, or shaded Roman
+type, according to the fashion. The engraver
+may be trusted to know the style and stock most
+in use.</p>
+
+<p>The card of an unmarried lady should be
+somewhat smaller than that of the married.
+This distinction is made, however, only in case
+of the card of the d&eacute;butante.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97"></a><a href="images/97.png">[97]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Inscription</i></div>
+
+<p>If there is room across the card the full name
+should be engraved. If the names are too long,
+only the initials of given names should be used.</p>
+
+<p>All inscriptions on one card should be in the
+same style of type.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr." is prefixed, unless there is a special
+title, such as, "Reverend," "Doctor," "Colonel,"
+etc. If a man should, in an emergency,
+write his own name on a card, he would not
+prefix the "Mr.," or any other title. The
+name should be written in full and should be
+an autograph.</p>
+
+<p>A married lady should have her husband's
+full name, or such form or parts of it as he
+uses, with the title "Mrs.," and not her own
+name.</p>
+
+<p>A young woman has the title "Miss" engraved
+before her name, even though she be
+only a schoolgirl.</p>
+
+<p>A young man has no title at all on his card,
+but simply his full name.</p>
+
+<p>The newly married couple use a card with
+the title of "Mr. and Mrs." for the first year
+after marriage, in returning their ceremonious
+calls after the wedding, and paying formal calls
+when the husband is unable to accompany the
+wife. These cards should have the address in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></a><a href="images/98.png">[98]</a></span>
+the lower right-hand corner, and the reception
+day or days in the lower left. After the first
+year they are seldom used in paying calls, but
+can be used for condolence, congratulation, or
+farewell where both husband and wife desire
+to be formally represented.</p>
+
+<p>A woman who is personally distinguished,
+who occupies a high social position, or whose
+husband stands at the head of his family, may
+have only "Mrs. Barnaby," not "Mrs. John
+Barnaby," upon her cards. It is better, however,
+not to do so unless one has the indisputable
+right to be considered as <i>the</i> Mrs. Barnaby of
+the locality. It is customary for the wife of
+the oldest brother of the oldest branch of the
+family alone to have the privilege of this form.</p>
+
+<p>The same rule of precedence applies to single
+women. The oldest unmarried daughter of the
+oldest brother, and she alone, has the right to
+use "Miss Campbell" on her card, although
+she may have a cousin who is much older than
+herself, but who is the daughter of a younger
+brother of the same family.</p>
+
+<p>A widow has no cards during her year of
+mourning, as she makes no formal visits. After
+that, cards with black border to any depth desired
+may be used.</p>
+
+<p>A widow has no legal right to retain her
+husband's Christian name, but she often prefers
+to do so, and it is entirely proper, the question<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99"></a><a href="images/99.png">[99]</a></span>
+being one of sentiment alone. In case there is
+a married son of the same name as the father,
+then it is proper for the mother to put "Sr."
+for Senior, at the end of her name, should she
+desire still to retain her husband's Christian
+name.</p>
+
+<p>In such a case widows occasionally prefer to
+use their own names or initials.</p>
+
+<p>In this country a married woman merges her
+name with that of her husband. It is not uncommon
+nowadays for married women to sign
+their own Christian name, their maiden surname,
+and their husband's surname as their signature.
+There is value in this as it preserves
+the family identity of the married woman, but
+the question of its legality may always be raised.</p>
+
+<p>The name of daughter or daughters is often
+engraved below that of the mother on her card,
+before the young woman enters formally into
+society. The form "The Misses Smith" may
+be used, or the names given separately. In New
+York in some circles the d&eacute;butante is not given
+a separate card until she has been in society a
+year. As American schoolgirls often have a
+card with the prefix "Miss," the d&eacute;butante may
+use this among her girl friends.</p>
+
+<p>To write anything on an engraved card
+except "Condolences," "Congratulations,"
+"<i>P. p. c.</i>," is not considered good style, although
+a lady may use her visiting card with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100"></a><a href="images/100.png">[100]</a></span>
+"Five o'clock tea," "Music," or a special date
+written upon it as an informal invitation to a
+musical or "At Home."</p>
+
+<p>A business or professional woman may have,
+in addition to her society card, a card with her
+own name for business purposes. This usually
+has a word or two denoting her profession in
+the lower left-hand corner, and her business address
+in the lower right.</p>
+
+<p>A lady's card should always contain her home
+address in the lower right-hand corner. Her
+afternoon "At Home" is usually given in the
+lower left.</p>
+
+<p>The address is often omitted from cards for
+men, being engraved on those of the women of
+the family. Men belonging to a fashionable
+or well-known club put its name, instead of their
+residence, on their cards. This is especially the
+case when they do not live at home. If living at
+a club, the address is put on the lower left-hand
+corner; if living at home, the lower right-hand
+corner.</p>
+
+<p>On a man's business cards the title "Mr." is
+omitted, the name of his firm, their business,
+and address, being engraved in the lower left-hand
+corner.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Titles</i></div>
+
+<p>Titles which signify permanent rank, or profession
+that lasts for life, and which are allied<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101"></a><a href="images/101.png">[101]</a></span>
+to a man's identity or distinctly bear upon his
+social standing, should be used.</p>
+
+<p>Temporary titles, which have no special social
+rank or bearing, or professional titles, such as
+"Esquire" for lawyers, which have no social
+significance, are not used.</p>
+
+<p>For the same reason that temporary or technical
+titles are not used, honorary titles are
+omitted. There should be no pretense in regard
+to social position, as pretense is easy and futile.
+A man appears in society simply as an ordinary
+individual, to win favor and position by force
+of his personality, or to lose it thereby.</p>
+
+<p>An army or a naval officer, a physician, a
+judge, or a clergyman may use his title on his
+card, as, for instance, "Captain James Smith,"
+"Judge Henry Gray," "Rev. Thomas Jones,
+D. D." The card of an Associate Justice of the
+United States Supreme Court at Washington
+reads "Mr. Justice Holmes." Military or complimentary
+titles are not used, nor are coats of
+arms. In this republican country it is considered
+an affectation and bad taste so to make use
+of them. Political and judicial titles are also
+omitted, as are academic titles, such as Chancellor,
+Dean, and Professor.</p>
+
+<p>No title below the rank of Captain is used on
+the card in military circles. A lieutenant's card
+would give his full name with the prefix "Mr."
+and below it the words, "Lieutenant of Fifth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></a><a href="images/102.png">[102]</a></span>
+Cavalry, United States Army," or simply,
+"United States Coast Guard Service."</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Use</i></div>
+
+<p>The etiquette of the visiting card is a fluctuating
+one. It cannot be laid down for all time,
+or even for next season.</p>
+
+<p>On entering at a reception, or afternoon tea,
+one leaves a card in the salver offered by the
+butler or attendant who opens the door, or upon
+the hall table, as a reminder to the hostess, who
+can hardly be expected to remember, if entertaining
+a large number, every one who has been
+there.</p>
+
+<p>One does not leave cards at a wedding reception,
+however.</p>
+
+<p>At an afternoon tea, it is no longer necessary
+to leave a card apiece from all the members of
+the invited families to all the members of the
+family of the hostess and her guests also. The
+single card for the host and hostess is all that is
+required.</p>
+
+<p>Should one be invited to a series of receptions,
+one leaves cards only once although one may
+attend twice. Leaving cards in person after a
+tea or reception is good form only for ceremonious
+affairs. After the usual private reception
+one should certainly call.</p>
+
+<p>If only one member of a family can attend<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></a><a href="images/103.png">[103]</a></span>
+a reception to which the others have been invited,
+she may leave the cards of the others, together
+with her own, with perfect propriety.</p>
+
+<p>Also when one is not able to attend a reception
+or an afternoon tea, cards may be sent by
+mail, although it is better to send them by messenger,
+to arrive on the day of the entertainment.
+One should call within a fortnight.</p>
+
+<p>It is not now considered necessary to call in
+person where formerly it was so held. The
+sending of the personal card often takes the
+place of the call. Nor need this be done by
+messenger. Cards for any purpose may now be
+sent by mail.</p>
+
+<p>After removing from one part of the city to
+another, it is customary for ladies to send engraved
+cards with their new address and with
+their reception day to all of their circle of acquaintances.</p>
+
+<p>A woman who is stopping for a brief time in
+a city where she has friends, sends to them her
+card containing her temporary address and the
+length of her stay, as "Here until June second,"
+or "Here until Sunday."</p>
+
+<p>A man, however, calls upon his friends, and
+if they are absent leaves his card giving the
+same information.</p>
+
+<p>If a son old enough to go into society wishes
+to do so, his card is left with his father's and
+mother's at the beginning of the season. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></a><a href="images/104.png">[104]</a></span>
+will then be invited to the functions given by
+the friends of his parents.</p>
+
+<p>When there is illness or mourning in the
+household, friends leave their cards with the
+words "To inquire," "Sincere condolence," or
+"Sympathy" written upon them.</p>
+
+<p>The card which accompanies wedding gifts
+should be the joint card of "Mr. and Mrs.," if
+the gift is sent jointly, and may well have the
+words "Best wishes and congratulations,"
+written upon it.</p>
+
+<p>The initials "<i>P. p. c.</i>," meaning "<i>Pour
+prendre cong&eacute;</i>," or "To take leave," are written
+upon one's personal cards, which are then sent
+out to one's friends when one is going away
+from a place either permanently or for a long
+time. They are usually written in the lower
+left-hand corner of the card. These cards may
+be sent by post, when the person leaving town
+has not the time to make a personal visit. They
+are not used when leaving town for the summer.</p>
+
+<p>It is quite proper to send or leave "<i>P. p. c.</i>"
+cards when one goes away from a summer resort,
+especially if the people to whom they are
+sent do not live during the year in the same
+town or city with the sender.</p>
+
+<p>It is no longer permissible to fold over the
+ends of a card, to signify that it was intended
+for all the members of the family.</p>
+
+<p>The birth of a child may be announced by a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105"></a><a href="images/105.png">[105]</a></span>
+small card containing the full name of the child
+daintily engraved, with the date of the birth
+in the lower left-hand corner. The card is tied
+to the mother's card by white ribbon, and both
+are enclosed in one envelope and sent by post.</p>
+
+<p>Visiting cards for those who are in mourning
+are the same size as the ordinary card. The
+width of the black border is regulated by the
+degree of the relationship to the deceased.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Engraved Invitation</i></div>
+
+<p>A fine grade of heavy, unglazed, pure white
+paper, su&egrave;de finish, in double sheet folded to
+a size about five by seven and a half inches,
+or less, inserted in an envelope of the same
+width but half the length, is used for the
+billet on which wedding invitations and announcements
+are engraved. The impress of the
+plate demarks a margin of about an inch.</p>
+
+<p>A heavy or medium grade of white bristol
+board is used for invitations to "At Homes,"
+dinner, receptions, dances, and all like social
+functions for which the common visiting
+card is not used. The size used varies
+with the number of words in the invitation,
+and may be quite large, as for a club or society
+reception, or formal openings or special
+occasions where a business corporation is the
+host. These cards have the same plate margin<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></a><a href="images/106.png">[106]</a></span>
+as the wedding invitation, although it is much
+narrower. Only the most formal invitations
+have space left for the writing in of the name
+of the guest.</p>
+
+<p>The billet, however, has certain advantages,
+especially where the occasion is very formal
+and select, and the information which should
+be furnished the guest is considerable. Elegance
+of this sort is now very costly.</p>
+
+<p>Several styles of type are in use: namely, the
+script having close round letters, and being as
+nearly black as Roman or Old English when
+engraved; a script lighter and more cursive;
+an Old English lettering; a shaded Roman
+letter, which is constantly growing in popularity;
+shaded Caxton; solid and shaded French
+script; and a plain Roman block letter.</p>
+
+<p>The script is the type most commonly used,
+both because of its beauty and legibility, and
+because of the comparative inexpensiveness of
+engraving, the cost being about half of that of
+either the Old English or the shaded Roman
+type.</p>
+
+<p>It is obvious that the size of page in this book
+will not permit facsimile reproductions of
+specimens of invitations and other social forms,
+which in nearly every case require a different
+proportion of space than the page offers.
+Therefore, to reproduce the style of lettering
+used for these forms has not been attempted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107"></a><a href="images/107.png">[107]</a></span>
+The examples present correct wording and proportionate
+arrangement.</p>
+
+<p>The following plates, which are exact photographs
+of steel and copper engraving, present
+several styles of script, Old English, and shaded
+and plain Roman faces, but do not represent
+more than a few sizes, and those the most common.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<img src="images/font1.png" width="550" height="630" alt="Type styles and sizes for invitations" title="Type styles and sizes for invitations" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108"></a><a href="images/108.png">[108]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/font2.jpg" width="500" height="433" alt="Type styles and sizes for invitations" title="Type styles and sizes for invitations" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Dining and Party Inviations</i></div>
+
+<p>The engraved card invitation for a luncheon
+is usually worded as follows:</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><i>Mrs. Everetts S. Sinclair<br />
+requests the pleasure of your company<br />
+at Luncheon<br />
+on Tuesday, February nineteenth<br />
+at one o'clock<br />
+Hotel Willard</i></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109"></a><a href="images/109.png">[109]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The dinner invitation is identical, except
+that for "Luncheon" is substituted "Dinner,"
+and the hour is usually half after seven or
+eight o'clock. To this, or to any other dining
+invitation, may be added in the lower left-hand
+corner the words "Please reply," or, "The
+favor of a reply is requested."</p>
+
+<p>The party invitation may take either of the
+two following forms:</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mrs. Harold Harmon Williams</i><br />
+<i>requests the pleasure of your company</i><br />
+<i>at a dancing party to be given</i><br />
+<i>at the Glendale Country Club</i><br />
+<i>Wednesday evening, December the twenty-ninth</i><br />
+<i>from eight until eleven o'clock</i><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Fairfield Watson</i><br />
+<i>request the pleasure of</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>company at The Somerset Club</i><br />
+<i>on the evening of Friday the ninth of February</i><br />
+<i>from nine until one o'clock</i><br />
+<i>Dancing and Bridge</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;    <i>95 Jackson Boulevard</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>The blank invitation is very convenient, as
+it may be sent out at short notice, and is definite
+and personal. The following is a form which
+lends itself to any one of the usual kinds of
+home entertainment:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></a><a href="images/110.png">[110]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. St. John Ambrose Lockwood<br />
+request the pleasure of</i><br />
+
+.............................................................................................<br />
+
+<i>company at</i>...............................................................<br />
+
+<i>on</i>...............................................................<br />
+
+<i>at</i>.....................................................<br /></div>
+<div class='right'><span style="margin-right: 8em;"><i>97 Washington Avenue</i></span><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>When, on an engraved invitation of any sort,
+be it wedding or dinner or any other, a blank
+line or lines are left for the insertion of the
+name of the guest, there is danger that, unless
+this is done with great care and by an able penman,
+the beauty of the invitation be ruined,
+and therefore its cost thrown away. For that
+reason a wholly engraved invitation is perhaps
+better, unless the work of addressing them and
+inserting the name is to be done by a professional
+penman. Of course, when this is done
+and well done, there is a personal touch, a suggestion
+of individual welcome, which can be
+gained in no other way, and which the wholly
+engraved invitation lacks.</p>
+
+<p>When an entertainment is given by a family
+at some place other than their home, the invitations
+have the name of the place and the
+street address put in at the usual place on the
+invitation, and then in the lower right-hand
+corner the words "Please reply," with the
+home address.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111"></a><a href="images/111.png">[111]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A bachelor or widower uses his name alone
+at the top of the invitation. He will, of course,
+provide a chaperon, who in many respects
+takes the place of a hostess and so acts, but her
+name does not appear upon his invitation, unless
+she be his sister or near relative. The invitation
+then becomes a joint one, after the
+usual form.</p>
+
+<p>A widower with daughters may send out invitations
+headed in either of the following
+forms:</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. John Marquand</i><br />
+<i>Miss Marquand</i><br />
+<i>Miss Estelle Marquand</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>or</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. John Marquand</i><br />
+<i>The Misses Marquand</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>For a dinner followed by a dance there are
+two invitations, the one a dinner invitation at
+an early hour for the favored few, the other a
+dancing party invitation at a later hour.</p>
+
+<p>Clubs have blanks which may be filled in by
+their members when they wish to entertain.
+These are issued in the club name, and are like
+any other private invitation, except that at the
+bottom and to the left "Compliments of" is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112"></a><a href="images/112.png">[112]</a></span>
+engraved, and the name of the member who is
+special host is written in.</p>
+
+<p>Invitations containing the words "<i>Bal
+Poudre</i>" signify that the entertainment is a
+masquerade or fancy dress party, and the guests
+are expected to come in fancy costume with
+powdered hair.</p>
+
+<p>The word "ball" is used of an elaborate
+formal dance, usually a public one given by some
+club or for charity, and rarely of a private dance.</p>
+
+<p>In spite of the predominance of the engraved
+invitation for the most formal affairs, still small
+dinners, and even receptions and dancing
+parties, are sometimes announced by the handwritten
+invitations. The form should be the
+same as the engraved one, although to very intimate
+friends it should be changed to a friendly
+note.</p>
+
+<p>Acceptances are in the form of the invitation.
+If that is an informal note, the acceptance or
+regret is sent in the same style. If the invitation
+is formal, the reply also should be written
+in the third person and be about as follows:</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. Allston B. Sinclair<br />
+accept with pleasure the kind invitation of<br />
+Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Emanuel Farrington<br />
+for dinner<br />
+on Thursday, the ninth of December<br />
+at half after eight o'clock</i><br />
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113"></a><a href="images/113.png">[113]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The reply to an invitation should be sent to
+the person or persons who issued it, never to
+any other member of the family, although such
+a one may be better known.</p>
+
+<p>To write the word "Regrets" on one's visiting
+card and send it in declination of any invitation
+is bad form, even if the invitation come
+in similar shape. One should always write a
+note of regret.</p>
+
+<p>Bachelors and widowers, who entertain at
+their apartments or studio or club, and army
+and navy officers never use the words "At
+Home," but always "request the pleasure (or
+honour) of your presence."</p>
+
+<p>If one is entertaining a guest and an invitation
+is received, one may with propriety ask the
+hostess for an invitation for one's guest, if the
+form of entertainment is so general as to make
+this right and reasonable; otherwise one must
+decline the invitation. It would not be right to
+ask for another dinner invitation, or one to a
+select group of people, where the guest would
+be an intruder.</p>
+
+<p>It is preferable and a much later form to use
+the words "Please reply," or "An early reply
+is requested," rather than the abbreviation
+"<i>R. s. v. p.</i>" for "<i>R&egrave;pondez, s'il vous pla&icirc;t</i>,"
+meaning "Reply, if you please."</p>
+
+<p>If a son should return from college or other
+absence, and the parents wish to entertain for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114"></a><a href="images/114.png">[114]</a></span>
+him, their invitations would have at the bottom
+the word "For" followed by his name.</p>
+
+<p>In sending out invitations, one should be
+sent to the father and mother jointly, one to
+each son separately, and one to the daughters
+jointly, the latter being addressed "The Misses
+Estabrook."</p>
+
+<p>Invitations should be sent to people in mourning,
+although they are not expected to accept.
+They should not be slighted or forgotten during
+such a period.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Wedding Invitations and Announcements</i></div>
+
+<p>The following are the usual forms of wording
+for the wedding invitation:</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. Reinhard Ernst Ormond</i><br />
+<i>request the honour of your presence</i><br />
+<i>at the marriage of their daughter</i><br />
+<i>Eida</i><br />
+<i>to</i><br />
+<i>Dr. Otto Bertelli</i><br />
+<i>on Wednesday, the first of April</i><br />
+<i>nineteen hundred and thirteen</i><br />
+<i>at twelve o'clock</i><br />
+<i>Church of the Messiah</i><br />
+<i>St. Louis, Missouri</i><br /></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115"></a><a href="images/115.png">[115]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'><br />
+<i>Mr. Arnold Hamilton Forsyth</i><br />
+<i>requests the pleasure of your company</i><br />
+<i>at the marriage reception of his daughter</i><br />
+<i>Margaret</i><br />
+<i>and</i><br />
+<i>Mr. Walter Mallory</i><br />
+<i>on the evening of Wednesday, the twenty-ninth</i><br />
+<i>of June</i><br />
+<i>one thousand nine hundred and twelve</i><br />
+<i>from eight until ten o'clock</i><br />
+<i>17 Elm Hill Avenue</i><br />
+<i>Philadelphia, Pennsylvanis</i><br />
+<i>R. s. v. p.</i><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<i>Dr. and Mrs. Maurice Howe Cavanaugh</i><br />
+<i>request the honour of</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>presence at the marriage of their daughter</i><br />
+<i>Rebecca Falmouth</i><br />
+<i>to</i><br />
+<i>Mr. Charles Hunnewell Clark</i><br />
+<i>on Monday, the ninth of July</i><br />
+<i>at eight o'clock</i><br />
+<i>Church of the Redeemer</i><br />
+<i>Washington</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>The usual form of marriage announcement is as
+follows:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116"></a><a href="images/116.png">[116]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. William T. Kimball</i><br />
+<i>announce the marriage of their daughter</i><br />
+<i>Dorothy Lucinda</i><br />
+<i>to</i><br />
+<i>Mr. LeRoy L. Hallock</i><br />
+<i>on Wednesday, the first day of December</i><br />
+<i>one thousand nine hundred and twelve</i><br />
+<i>Chicago, Illinois</i><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<i>Mr. Arthur Edmand Sawyer</i><br />
+<i>and</i><br />
+<i>Miss Emma Pauline Farrington</i><br />
+<i>announce their marriage</i><br />
+<i>on Sunday the sixteenth of July</i><br />
+<i>one thousand nine hundred and ten</i><br />
+<i>at Boston, Massachusetts</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>The "At Home" card of the bridal couple,
+which goes with a wedding invitation, does not
+have the name of the couple upon it, but reads
+simply</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>At Home</i><br />
+<i>after the first of November</i><br />
+<i>1219 Pennsylvanis Avenue</i><br />
+<i>Washington</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>When an "At Home" card is included in a
+wedding <i>announcement</i>, however, the name of
+the couple appears upon it, as follows:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117"></a><a href="images/117.png">[117]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. Albion Frederick Marston</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Will be at home</i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;  <i>763 Chapel Avenue</i><br />
+<i>after the first of August</i>  &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;  <i>Toronto</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>For the card of invitation to the wedding
+reception the wording is as follows:</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Reception</i><br />
+<i>immediately after the ceremony</i><br />
+<i>Eight Salem Street</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>or</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Reception</i><br />
+<i>immediately after the ceremony</i><br />
+<i>in the church parlors</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>In the case of a church wedding, it is always
+well to enclose with the invitation a small card
+reading: "Please present this card at the
+church on August the third."</p>
+
+<p>In case the wedding takes place in the country
+and invitations are sent to many friends in
+the city, a card giving directions as to what
+train to take, and where, which is to be presented
+to the conductor instead of a ticket, and
+which entitles the possessor to special accommodations,
+is enclosed with the invitation.</p>
+
+<p>Wedding invitations, or announcements, and
+their accompanying cards, are enclosed in two<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118"></a><a href="images/118.png">[118]</a></span>
+envelopes, one within the other, of the same
+stock as the billets. Upon the outer is written
+the name of the person and his street address;
+upon the inner only the name of the one for
+whom it is intended.</p>
+
+<p>Wedding invitations should be addressed to
+"Mrs. Chandler Jones," on the outside envelope.
+Within this is a second envelope addressed
+to "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones."
+The older custom is to address the outside envelope
+to "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones," as
+well as the inside. The lady of the house is
+now, however, beginning to be looked upon as
+head of its social affairs, as her husband is of
+its business affairs, and hence the style of addressing
+invitations to her.</p>
+
+<p>The words "And Family" are no longer
+used after the parents' names, but separate invitations
+are sent to the members.</p>
+
+<p>It is quite the courteous thing to include
+among the people invited to a wedding, especially
+if it is to be in a church, the special business
+friends and associates of the bridegroom-elect,
+his father, and the bride's father.</p>
+
+<p>In case the invitations are for the ceremony
+only at a church wedding, the address of the
+bride's parents should be embossed upon the
+outside envelope.</p>
+
+<p>Acquaintances purely professional do not
+receive cards to a wedding. One's physician,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></a><a href="images/119.png">[119]</a></span>
+however, if his family is prominent socially,
+may be included among the guests.</p>
+
+<p>Announcement cards should be quite ready
+to post immediately after the ceremony. They
+should be sent to all the circle of friends and
+acquaintances of both the bride's and the bridegroom's
+families, save to those who have been
+invited to the marriage or the wedding reception.</p>
+
+<p>The announcement of an "At Home" or
+reception should always be made on a separate
+card,&mdash;not on a corner of the wedding invitation
+or announcement.</p>
+
+<p>An immediate reply is necessary when one is
+invited to a home wedding. If the wedding
+is a church wedding, and there is no reception
+following it, one makes no reply if one intends
+to be present, but sends one's card upon the
+date set, if one cannot attend.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Various Announcement Cards</i></div>
+
+<p>In case of the postponement of a wedding or
+a dinner or reception because of some grave
+accident or illness, the cancellation of the invitations,
+or the announcement of the postponement,
+should be engraved and sent out at
+the earliest possible date.</p>
+
+<p>For a wedding it may read somewhat as follows:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120"></a><a href="images/120.png">[120]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. Maynard S. Taylor</i><br />
+<i>regret to announce</i><br />
+<i>that on account of serious illness in the family</i><br />
+<i>the marriage of their daughter</i><br />
+<i>Emmeline and Mr. Fosdick Arlington</i><br />
+<i>will be indefinitely postponed</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>A family which has passed through a period
+of calamity and bereavement may wish to make
+some acknowledgment of the attentions of
+friends, and may do so in some such form as
+follows:</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>The brothers and sisters of</i><br />
+<i>Dr. Ralph J. Harkins</i><br />
+<i>gratefully acknowledge</i><br />
+<i>your kind expression of sympathy</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>The special "At Home" card which is used
+for a reception in honor of a friend or guest
+may contain the name of the friend either on
+the first or the last line of the invitation, with
+the words "To meet" before it; as:</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mrs. Ernest L. Lafricain<br />
+At Home<br />
+Thursday, December twenty-third<br />
+from four to six<br />
+275 Grand Pr&eacute; Avenue, Montreal<br />
+To meet Mrs. Jackson Seymour Montgomery</i></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121"></a><a href="images/121.png">[121]</a></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>For a general reception the following form
+is good:</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. Henry Illington Bray</i><br />
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. Harold Bray</i><br />
+<i>request the honor of your presence</i><br />
+<i>on New Year's Day</i><br />
+<i>from four until half after seven o'clock</i><br />
+<i>174 Albemarle Street</i><br />
+<i>Winnipeg</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>The private engraved card for Christmas and
+New Year greetings, which may be sent to one's
+entire list of friends, is much in favor. Great
+distinction and individuality of design and
+selection of sentiment may be obtained by this
+means. The following is an appropriate form:</p>
+
+<div class='blockquot'><div class='right'>
+<span style="margin-right: 4em;">"<i>The glory breaks</i></span><br />
+<span style="margin-right: 8em;"><i>And Christmas comes once more</i>"</span><br /></div>
+</div><div class='center'><br />
+<i>Mr. and Mrs. Nathaniel Clarke Sutherland</i><br />
+<i>cordially greet</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>with every good wish of the Season</i><br />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122"></a><a href="images/122.png">[122]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2>
+
+<h3>BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> test of the depth of one's courtesy is
+found in one's attitude to strangers and the
+public at large. If one observes toward them
+the little courtesies, then one may be safely
+trusted to keep to the highest ideal of social
+intercourse in times of emergency and rigid
+testing.</p>
+
+<p>Always in a public place the real gentleman
+and lady will be unobtrusive, speaking quietly,
+and showing in their manner that they each
+believe himself and herself but a single unit
+in the world of humanity, and therefore not entitled
+to monopolize attention. They will go
+about their business with none of that idle curiosity
+which forms the street crowd.</p>
+
+<p>In places of public amusement, they will
+show true courtesy by not coming in late,&mdash;that
+is, by being on time or missing the performance.
+They will not rustle their programs
+needlessly. They will so dispose of their coats
+and wraps that others will not be inconvenienced<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123"></a><a href="images/123.png">[123]</a></span>
+by them, even if it takes them an extra
+ten minutes at the close of the evening to obtain
+them from the cloak room.</p>
+
+<p>They will not talk or whisper to each other
+during speaking or singing on the stage, or at
+any time when so doing will make it difficult
+for others to hear what is going on. They will
+applaud temperately, and with only that degree
+of fervor which is for the best interests of the
+audience and the actors as a whole. That is,
+at a concert they will not so applaud one artist
+as to break up the program.</p>
+
+<p>At formal business meetings they will take
+pains to conform to Parliamentary usage, which
+is really only the etiquette of debate, and will
+not insist upon rights which have been ruled
+out, or in word or manner express a disorderly
+spirit. "The greatest good of the largest number"
+will be the rule of their deportment in
+public.</p>
+
+<p>At a social occasion of any sort, every one
+present is under obligation to do what he can
+to add to the general pleasure. If he cannot or
+will not, he should remain away. If he is asked
+to play a musical instrument or sing, he should
+do so without urging, for his talents, except in
+very special cases wherein he would not be
+asked, are or should be at the disposal of the
+company, or at the request of his hostess. Any
+voluntary or requested performance of this sort<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124"></a><a href="images/124.png">[124]</a></span>
+may be as brief as he pleases, and should be
+brief, unless his talent is so great that there
+can be no possible doubt of its acceptability, and
+he is in a generous mood,&mdash;a combination of
+circumstances rare in any but the most talented
+circles.</p>
+
+<p>If you turn the pages of music for a musician,
+do so in a quiet and self-forgetful manner.
+Interest in you is quite subordinate to interest
+in the performer.</p>
+
+<p>Do not by extravagant applause encourage
+parlor recitations, for mediocre talent is always
+profuse.</p>
+
+<p>It is a mark of good breeding to control or
+at least conceal one's moods, so that in company
+one always appears to be content, if not happy.
+It adds much to the happiness of others to
+give this impression, and is therefore generous
+as well as wise.</p>
+
+<p>It is always rude to interrupt with conversation,
+or yawning, or any motion, a musical performance,
+or any entertainment whether public
+or private, in which those about one are interested.
+One should retire if he cannot refrain.</p>
+
+<p>Behavior in church may be taught in one
+great principle, providing that principle is
+fundamental enough. The sense of reverence
+for the things of the spiritual life may be felt,
+if not comprehended, by even the child. No
+amount of "Don't's," if the spirit of worship<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125"></a><a href="images/125.png">[125]</a></span>
+be not instilled, will avail to make the child of
+any age an attentive and reverent worshiper
+or even attendant at church.</p>
+
+<p>The sense of worship will forbid whispering
+and chatting with friends, the noisy turning
+of the leaves of hymn-book or Bible, or an
+indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in
+prayer.</p>
+
+<p>Another sign of the same reverence is the
+careful observance of punctuality at the service.
+A church service is, by its very nature, a more
+intimate and important service to the attendant
+than any other. Therefore, to come in late,
+thus distracting the attention of those who have
+gone to church for meditation or worship, is a
+far more flagrant offense against the rights
+of others, than is the disturbing of their pleasure
+at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance.</p>
+
+<p>The habit of a vacant or absent mind in company
+is a grave fault, and works greatly to the
+detriment of one's reputation for intelligence,
+in spite of all else that one may do to establish
+it.</p>
+
+<p>Straightforward attentiveness is the attitude
+of most profit and enjoyment in society. One
+learns then what other people are thinking
+about, and becomes more and more active mentally.
+Such an attitude establishes the confidence
+of others in one's sincerity and intelligence.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126"></a><a href="images/126.png">[126]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm. No
+one cares to talk twice with a person who, no
+matter what his wit or ability to entertain, has
+betrayed one into divulging facts or making
+remarks which he regrets.</p>
+
+<p>Upon the street a gentleman always takes the
+outside of the walk, when with a lady, the custom
+having come down from the days when
+dangers beset the path, and the man had to be
+at the point of vantage for the protection of the
+woman.</p>
+
+<p>When a married woman and an unmarried
+girl are walking together, the married woman
+takes the outside of the walk.</p>
+
+<p>In passing single file other people or some
+obstacle, the gentleman always steps back and
+allows the lady to precede him. If, however,
+the way is crowded or there is necessity that
+she should be protected, he goes first.</p>
+
+<p>In entering a hotel dining-room the lady always
+goes first.</p>
+
+<p>A lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless
+she is blind, infirm, or crippled, or in a turbulent
+crowd.</p>
+
+<p>The considerate person will not enter even
+a public hotel late at night, much less a home,
+his own or any other, in a noisy, careless
+fashion. Those who are asleep deserve as great
+consideration as if they were awake, and more
+also.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127"></a><a href="images/127.png">[127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The modern courtesy of letting each one pay
+for himself in a car, a train, a restaurant, or a
+theatre, is a much more rational one than the
+older form of permitting one to act as host, as
+if he were in his own house. A gentleman
+might offer to pay for others, if he wished to,
+but he should not insist upon paying; nor
+should any one carelessly or designedly permit
+his expenses to be paid by another, unless he
+himself expects to offer equal hospitality at another
+time.</p>
+
+<p>In entering a carriage or automobile, one
+should step promptly, without either loitering
+or haste. If one is to sit facing the horses or
+the front of the automobile, and there is but one
+step to take, one puts the left foot on it. If
+there are two steps, the right foot should take
+the first, the left the second. If one is to face
+in the opposite direction from what the vehicle
+is going, one should use the right foot first in
+case of the one step, and the left foot first in
+case of the two.</p>
+
+<p>When two ladies who are guest and hostess
+are driving together, the guest should enter first,
+taking the farther seat, facing the front of the
+carriage, so that it will not be necessary for her
+hostess to pass her. When a mother and
+daughter enter a carriage, the mother precedes,
+and the daughter sits by her side if no other
+lady is present. In case of two daughters, the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128"></a><a href="images/128.png">[128]</a></span>
+elder sits by the side of the mother, and the
+younger sits opposite.</p>
+
+<p>The fashionable hours for driving are from
+two-thirty to five in the winter, and from three
+to six-thirty in the summer.</p>
+
+<p>Young women never ride horseback in cities
+or in public parks without an escort. In the
+country the rule is not so rigidly enforced. In
+case a groom is the escort, he rides slightly behind,
+keeping watch that he may be of service.</p>
+
+<p>A riding-habit should be absolutely neat,
+simple, and inconspicuous. The hat should be
+plain, the hair compactly done, and the whole
+effect of the costume trim serviceableness and
+grace, rather than prettiness.</p>
+
+<p>In mounting a horse a woman gathers up her
+habit in her left hand, and stands close to the
+horse with her right hand on the pommel of the
+saddle. The man who assists her stoops and
+places his right hand with the palm up at a convenient
+distance from the ground. The lady
+then puts her left foot into his hand, and
+springs up into the saddle with his assistance.</p>
+
+<p>It is necessary, first, to have a firm seat;
+secondly, a skillful hand on the rein. One
+should sit in the middle of the saddle, in an
+easy, natural position, with the body not stiff
+but supple and responsive to the motion of the
+horse. The elbows should be well in to the side,
+in a line with the shoulders, and the hands<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129"></a><a href="images/129.png">[129]</a></span>
+should be relaxed and yet responsive to the
+slightest pull of the rein.</p>
+
+<p>It is no longer considered wise and necessary
+for a woman to use a side saddle. In the freedom
+of a graceful divided skirt, she strides the
+saddle as do the men, and therefore has an equal
+chance with them to ride gracefully and safely,&mdash;a
+privilege which fashion long denied.</p>
+
+<p>To keep to the right always is the only safe
+rule in the United States. In England and
+Canada the rule of keeping to the left is observed
+with the same rigidity.</p>
+
+<p>In business life it is not good form to dine
+with your employer. This does not include a
+ban upon those business dinners, where there
+is a group of people, the majority of them men,
+with one or two unmarried business women of
+equal or superior business standing, who meet
+over the dinner table to talk of business problems.
+That occasion has its own etiquette, and
+one which the business man or woman readily
+fashions for himself or herself, and which follows
+the rules of business expediency rather
+than social life.</p>
+
+<p>It is not necessary to recognize in society a
+strictly business acquaintance unless you wish
+to do so.</p>
+
+<p>Neatness demands that the traveler always
+carry his own toilet articles, and not depend
+upon the public supplies, which are, however,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130"></a><a href="images/130.png">[130]</a></span>
+supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emergencies.</p>
+
+<p>The dress for traveling should be plain and
+simple, suited to the need rather than elaborate.
+The effect of crumpled finery is so very unpleasant
+that no person of taste will make a
+display of it in a public conveyance.</p>
+
+<p>If you wish to leave your seat in a train, a
+coat or bag placed upon it is sufficient to reserve
+it for you. The removal of a coat or bag so
+placed is a very great rudeness.</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman will give up his seat to two
+ladies, or to a gentleman and lady traveling together,
+as he can be more readily accommodated
+in the single seats than can they.</p>
+
+<p>It is courteous for a gentleman who has a
+vacant place in the seat with him to offer it to
+a lady who is standing, and so prevent her from
+feeling that she is intruding in taking it, if
+there are no other seats vacant.</p>
+
+<p>When a man opens a door for a woman who
+is a stranger, or offers her any other civility, or
+begs pardon for some blunder, he takes off his
+hat to her.</p>
+
+<p>While traveling alone, it is not necessary or
+wise to be resentful of polite remarks or attentions.
+They should be met with equal politeness.
+Quiet dignity and tact will terminate
+without offense any conversation which has
+grown too familiar or tedious.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131"></a><a href="images/131.png">[131]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The comfort of all in the car, not of one individual,
+should be consulted in the opening of
+windows and doors, and the consent of those
+sitting near should be gained.</p>
+
+<p>It is a grave breach of good manners to
+monopolize a dressing-room for quite a period
+of time. One should be as expeditious as possible,
+and should not seriously inconvenience
+others, even if he deprives himself of some of
+the comfort he desires.</p>
+
+<p>It is not well to travel unless you can afford
+it. If you can and do travel, deal courteously
+and generously with those who serve you.</p>
+
+<p>Ask questions only of officials of the road or
+the ship, or of policemen in the street.</p>
+
+<p>The exchange of visiting cards with strangers,
+unless under unusual circumstances, is unwise
+and bad form.</p>
+
+<p>Ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself, unless
+she is under escort of a relative or intimate
+friend to whom she gives the right to pay for
+her. When she enters a car alone and there
+meets an acquaintance, she always pays her own
+fare, unless the acquaintance may be an old
+and intimate friend.</p>
+
+<p>When a lady is taking a long trip under escort
+of some gentleman friend, it is proper for her
+to reimburse him for his expenditures in her
+behalf. She should hand him her purse with
+which to purchase her ticket.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132"></a><a href="images/132.png">[132]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The munching of nuts, fruit, or candy in a
+crowded public conveyance is a serious offense
+against those about you. A neat lunch, quietly
+eaten at an appropriate hour, is not offensive
+and is quite permissible. But one should not
+impose even the odor of food upon people who
+are forced to be near, and who may find it extremely
+disagreeable.</p>
+
+<p>The recent passage and enforcement of laws
+regarding expectoration in public places is a
+great step in advance, and must be rigidly maintained
+for the sake of the public health. The
+chewing of gum, while no menace to society, is
+as unesthetic and disgusting as expectoration,
+and should fall under as righteous if not as
+severe a ban.</p>
+
+<p>In a car or train do not fan yourself so
+vigorously that the person in front of you feels
+the air current upon the back of his neck. A
+book or newspaper should not be placed so that
+it rubs constantly against the hat of the person
+in the seat in front.</p>
+
+<p>Pushing, shoving, and all like methods of
+getting people to move out of your way, or of
+getting ahead of others, are marks of great rudeness,
+and have a tendency to retard rather than
+aid one's progress through a crowd or into a
+car. The quiet, good-natured crowd disperses
+most rapidly.</p>
+
+<p>At the ferry and all prepayment places, have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133"></a><a href="images/133.png">[133]</a></span>
+the right change in hand, so that you do not
+keep back those who are in a rush to catch a
+boat or a car, by fumbling for your money or
+making the receiver make change.</p>
+
+<p>Do not carry an umbrella carelessly. You
+are as culpable if you injure another as another
+would be if he injured you.</p>
+
+<p>To converse in loud tones or talk of personal
+matters anywhere in public shows great lack of
+fine feeling and good breeding.</p>
+
+<p>Never show hostility, nor permit people to
+quarrel with you. The irritability which
+crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary
+to adhere, from principle, to the rule of strict
+good-will toward all.</p>
+
+<p>If you are escorting a woman, do not permit
+her to suffer any discomfort; but if, by chance,
+she does, do not pick a quarrel with the person
+who caused it. Firmly but quietly afford her
+protection, but do not demand satisfaction for
+discomforts or insults for which there is no
+satisfaction and whose discussion only increases
+the offense.</p>
+
+<p>A lady need feel no embarrassment if she is
+obliged to spend a few days in a hotel alone.
+Upon entering she would go to the desk and
+make arrangements for a room. When the
+choice is made she surrenders her hand bag to
+the bell-boy, who conducts her to her room. She
+should, for her own convenience and protection,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134"></a><a href="images/134.png">[134]</a></span>
+deposit valuables or large sums of money with
+the hotel proprietor in the office safe. Then the
+responsibility becomes his, but he does not assume
+it if they are left in the room. Upon leaving
+her room, she should lock her trunks and
+door, and leave the key with the clerk at the
+desk.</p>
+
+<p>A lady's deportment in a hotel is that of
+quiet reserve, but not of haughty distance. She
+should dress simply and plainly, so as not to
+attract attention, as she is in a public place.
+The only time when elegant dress is permissible
+at a hotel is when one is with an escort, or is
+one of a group of people so dressed in order to
+attend some function.</p>
+
+<p>A lady will not stand or linger in the halls
+of a hotel, will not loiter about the hotel office,
+or walk out alone upon the piazza or any conspicuous
+place, or stand at the windows of
+the parlor. She will remember that she is in
+a public place, where she may encounter all
+classes of people, so she will not permit herself
+any of the liberties of a home. She will not go
+through the halls humming or singing, or take
+a book or newspaper from the public parlor and
+carry it off to her room, even if she does shortly
+return it. She will not, even in her own room,
+make such noise as will attract attention or disturb
+other guests.</p>
+
+<p>She will not call a cab herself, but will summon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135"></a><a href="images/135.png">[135]</a></span>
+a bell-boy and have him attend to it. After
+her baggage is packed she will let the servants
+attend to it, even to the handing her of her umbrella
+and hand bag after she is in the carriage.
+She will never take the liberty of chiding a
+servant, but will make a necessary complaint to
+the clerk at the desk.</p>
+
+<p>To open a window in the parlor of a hotel,
+when others are by and may be discomforted,
+is a breach of politeness. Also it is not right
+that even an accomplished musician or singer
+should use the piano of the hotel parlor, if
+others are in the room, unless he has received
+a unanimous invitation to do so.</p>
+
+<p>One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or
+the dining-room without being thought forward
+or intrusive, and also may respond to such
+greetings without compromise, as such acquaintance
+does not imply or demand recognition
+elsewhere.</p>
+
+<p>A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table,
+will decide quickly what dishes she wishes, and
+order them distinctly but quietly. She will
+wait patiently to be served, without any display
+of embarrassment. It is allowable to read a
+newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not
+good taste to bring books to the table at any
+time. If she desires a dish which she sees,
+but the name of which she does not know,
+she will not point to it, but will indicate<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136"></a><a href="images/136.png">[136]</a></span>
+it to the waiter by her glance and her description.</p>
+
+<p>If she has friends or makes table acquaintances,
+she will talk with them in a low tone.
+She will never talk with some one at another
+table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such
+as the passing of food, is offered her by either
+a lady or a gentleman, she will express her
+thanks, but will not start a conversation.</p>
+
+<p>The usual good manners of cultivated people,
+emphasized by the additional restraint which
+the presence of the public imposes, is a safe
+standard of etiquette in a hotel.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137"></a><a href="images/137.png">[137]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE ART OF BEING A GUEST</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Just</span> as the host and hostess, in sending out
+an invitation, obligate themselves to make
+everything as enjoyable as possible for their
+guest, so a guest, in accepting, obligates himself
+or herself to meet the efforts of the host and
+hostess at least halfway. Success in the art of
+being a guest depends more upon the spirit in
+which one accepts of entertainment than upon
+the entertainment offered.</p>
+
+<p>A formal dinner is one of the most solemn
+obligations of society. After having once accepted
+the invitation, only death or mortal illness
+is an excuse for not attending.</p>
+
+<p>One may attend a formal reception and not
+expend more than twenty minutes of time, if
+one wishes to be very prompt. The round of
+social duty there is brief. A lady removes her
+wrap, but not her hat or gloves, in the dressing-room,
+and thence goes directly to the drawing-room.
+The guest here greets the host and
+hostess, briefly if the reception is large and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138"></a><a href="images/138.png">[138]</a></span>
+flow of incoming guests constant, then passes to
+the room where the refreshments are served.
+After partaking of these, the guest may leave
+without bidding adieu to the hostess, unless the
+reception is small and she is free to speak a
+second time with her guests.</p>
+
+<p>If one is present at an afternoon tea or reception,
+it is not always necessary to call afterwards;
+yet, many hostesses expect such a call
+if the affair has been formal. One should certainly
+call after a tea given to introduce a
+d&eacute;butante, or a wedding reception, or one given
+in honor of some special person or event.</p>
+
+<p>If a guest is not pleased with the food provided
+at a luncheon or dinner, or for any
+special reason cannot eat of any one dish, he
+should try and satisfy himself with something
+else, and make no comment upon it, doing his
+utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking
+that she has not well provided for him.</p>
+
+<p>At a dancing party a young man should assist
+his hostess in seeing that all the young ladies
+have an equal chance to dance, and that none
+are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth
+of partners. His obligation to his hostess and
+to society should be thus honored, as it is not,
+of course, a private affair for his own amusement,
+and as upon him, more than upon the
+young women, depends its success.</p>
+
+<p>It is necessary that introductions be freely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139"></a><a href="images/139.png">[139]</a></span>
+made at a dancing party, in order that all may
+enjoy the evening, and every one should try to
+make all his friends acquainted with each other.</p>
+
+<p>A young woman remains seated by the side
+of her chaperon until asked to dance. After a
+dance her partner returns with her to the
+chaperon.</p>
+
+<p>If the son of the hostess requests a dance of
+a young woman, she should give it unless her
+program is quite full. If for any reason she
+refuses a dance to one man, she should not
+give it to another, but should sit it out. A
+woman, having once promised a dance, should
+fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so, in
+which case she will dance no more during the
+evening. The young man who is thus refused
+is free, having returned with her to her
+chaperon, to seek another partner.</p>
+
+<p>Unless a young couple are engaged to each
+other, they should not dance together so often
+as to be conspicuous. Nor may they disappear
+into secluded corners and sit out dances. It is
+poor taste and very questionable etiquette, even
+if engaged.</p>
+
+<p>When asked to dance, a woman hands the
+man her program, saying, "I am not engaged
+for that dance, and will be pleased to give it to
+you." After the dance the man may thank the
+woman for it, and she may make some remark
+to express her pleasure in it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140"></a><a href="images/140.png">[140]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If a man is delayed in claiming a woman for
+the promised dance, he should make profuse
+apologies.</p>
+
+<p>A man dances first with the woman he escorts,
+or with the daughters of the hostess, or
+her guests in the house. Afterward he may
+choose for himself, always remembering that
+he should assist his hostess in giving a good
+time to all.</p>
+
+<p>A woman always makes the first move toward
+going home at every social gathering. At a
+dance it is not necessary to say good-night to
+the hostess unless there is a good opportunity.</p>
+
+<p>If a man is suddenly called away, he should
+try to find partners for the ladies with whom
+he engaged dances, and should explain his leaving
+to them.</p>
+
+<p>It is not obligatory, but simply a pleasant
+custom, for a man to send flowers to the young
+woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing
+party. When she is his fianc&eacute;e, it is especially
+appropriate and appreciated.</p>
+
+<p>When one is on a visit, or at a house or weekend
+party, one has to follow the style of dress
+of the people whom one is visiting, so no hard
+and fast rules can be laid down. One should
+have suitable garments for each of the forms of
+recreation which one is to enjoy, and should follow
+quite closely the requirements of the hour.</p>
+
+<p>When traveling, small, plain hats and tidily<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141"></a><a href="images/141.png">[141]</a></span>
+draped veils are necessary. For mountain
+visits, thicker clothing and heavier wraps will
+be in demand, than are used in the city. When
+it is the custom to dress for dinner, one should
+always adhere to it, and so plan one's hours
+that nothing interferes with so doing and being
+prompt as well.</p>
+
+<p>A guest should not claim the entire time of
+her hostess. The hours between breakfast and
+lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her
+household and family duties, and the guest
+should entertain herself during them.</p>
+
+<p>No guest should ever accept an invitation to
+an entertainment, a drive, or any other amusement
+without first consulting with her hostess.
+If, having friends in the same city or town, she
+has invitations from them for special occasions,
+she should inform her hostess of them promptly,
+that two plans may not be made for the same
+date.</p>
+
+<p>Unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble,
+she never suggests retiring. That is the duty
+of the hostess.</p>
+
+<p>A guest should take pains to arrive when expected.
+If she has promised a visit, she should
+keep her promise, unless matters of serious illness
+or grave moment forbid it, in which case
+a prompt and explanatory apology is imperative.</p>
+
+<p>The guest should decide with her hostess,
+early in her stay, upon the date of her departure,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142"></a><a href="images/142.png">[142]</a></span>
+if that has not been already settled in
+the form of the invitation, and should then
+abide rigidly by it, allowing nothing but the
+most earnest importunity on the part of her
+hostess personally, and for clearly shown and
+newly arising reasons, to detain her longer.</p>
+
+<p>The guest should be pleased and well entertained
+with everything that is done for her
+amusement, or should appear to be so. If she
+cannot give herself up to the enjoyment of the
+sort of entertainment which her host and hostess
+provide, she should not accept the invitation to
+visit them.</p>
+
+<p>The guest should be punctual at meals and
+conform in every particular to the ways of the
+household. She should not arrive in the living-room
+or drawing-room at hours when there will
+be none to entertain her, and when it would
+embarrass her hostess to know that she was unattended.
+To sit up after the family has gone
+to bed, to lie in bed after the entire family have
+risen, to be late at meals, to be writing an important
+letter or doing some mending when the
+carriage is at the door for a drive, or wish to
+go to drive when the carriage has been dismissed,
+to be too tired to attend the dinner or
+reception given in one's honor, to fail to keep
+appointments for the stroll or some sport because
+one wants to do something else,&mdash;these
+things show a total lack of consideration on the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143"></a><a href="images/143.png">[143]</a></span>
+part of the guest, and make it impossible to enjoy
+her stay or wish for her return.</p>
+
+<p>At times which seem appropriate it is well
+to retire to one's room and leave the family by
+themselves. It is not necessary for the family
+life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to
+the guest. Hospitality would be more generously
+shown if it did not make so many unnecessary
+demands upon the time and comfort of the
+members of the family.</p>
+
+<p>The guest should never take sides in any
+family discussion, and if anything unpleasant
+occurs, she should ignore it entirely, and not
+seem to know anything about it or take any
+interest in it.</p>
+
+<p>It is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to
+one's hosts to retail any information one may
+have acquired on a visit, or discuss their characteristics
+and management with any one.</p>
+
+<p>A guest need not attend religious services,
+or be present at the calls of commonplace people,
+or enter into local philanthropies, unless he
+wishes to do so. True hospitality relieves him
+from all sense of obligation in these matters.
+If, however, carriages are provided so that
+guests may attend church, or guests are told
+of the hour for family worship and are invited
+to be present, it is more courteous to attend.</p>
+
+<p>Guests at country houses should be willing
+to take hold and help in any emergency, such<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144"></a><a href="images/144.png">[144]</a></span>
+as the absence or sickness of the servants, and
+should be willing to join heartily in the country
+frolics where work is usually to be shared by all.</p>
+
+<p>In the country people visit in large parties,
+so when one is invited to go on an excursion or
+with a crowd to visit some neighbor, one should
+not hesitate for fear of being one too many.</p>
+
+<p>One should follow the wish of the host or
+hostess in regard to giving the servants some
+gratuity for service rendered, if that wish is
+known; otherwise, unless there is an accepted
+rule to the contrary, it is well to give, when
+leaving, a small gift of money to such of the
+servants as have been especially helpful. One
+should always treat servants with consideration
+and kindness, if not with generosity. It is better
+to be less lavish with money and more painstaking
+in remembering personally the people
+who have served you, renewing acquaintance
+with them if opportunity offers, treating them
+in a human way, and not with the indifference
+with which you would treat a mechanism.</p>
+
+<p>If a gift is given, it should be done unostentatiously.
+The tactful, quiet way of doing it,
+free from patronage, and showing only good-will
+and gratitude for service rendered, is the
+only polite way. Money never compensates
+for haughtiness and brusqueness, and the gentleman
+or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of
+the feelings of even an incompetent servant.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145"></a><a href="images/145.png">[145]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2>
+
+<h3>THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hospitality</span> is a great pleasure to people
+of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a
+most refining influence. The generous consideration
+of others reaches its acme when one is
+constantly entertaining little circles of friends,
+with no thought but to give happiness.</p>
+
+<p>The pleasant custom of serving tea each day
+at five o'clock is one which admits of great enjoyment.
+The man of the house tries to be at
+home for the quiet social hour before the family
+dinner. The young people of the family are
+gathering after the day's dispersion. The
+friends, who are out calling or on their way
+home, drop in for a pleasant chat; and the
+charming hostess has time for many glimpses
+of friends, and chance also to say the right
+word to some friend in need of cheer, who knew
+that she could be found at her daily hour of
+welcome.</p>
+
+<p>The custom of receiving on a certain day of
+the week is a sensible and hospitable one. If
+one has such an "At Home" day, it is more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146"></a><a href="images/146.png">[146]</a></span>
+polite for friends to call on that day than on
+any other. If a lady has, however, sent out
+cards announcing that she is "At Home" on
+"Wednesdays in January and February," one
+should not call on those days unless one has received
+the card having the special invitation.</p>
+
+<p>Some receive once a month during the season.
+They have the day engraved on their card, as
+"The first Friday until Lent," or "The second
+Wednesday until April."</p>
+
+<p>The custom of sending out cards for a certain
+day throughout one month avoids a "crush"
+on any one day, and enables a hostess to receive
+informally without giving up a great part of
+her time.</p>
+
+<p>The informal entertainment is a greater
+compliment to guests than any formal entertainment,
+however splendid.</p>
+
+<p>The hostess should preserve the happy medium
+between neglecting and overattending to
+her guests.</p>
+
+<p>When a hostess wishes to have her friends
+meet an expected guest, she should inform them
+of the intended visit beforehand, and so enable
+them to make an engagement to meet her, or
+plan entertainment for her. Invitations to a
+reception in honor of a friend can well be, and
+should be, sent out in advance of her coming,
+if her stay is to be short, and if the dates of
+her stay are definitely known.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147"></a><a href="images/147.png">[147]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At a reception for the introduction of a
+friend, the hostess and the guest of honor will
+stand near the door of the drawing-room and
+receive. If the reception is very large, the butler
+announces the names of the guests as they
+enter. The hostess gives her hand to the newcomer,
+and presents her to the guest of honor.
+After a few words of greeting, the caller passes
+on into the room where the refreshments are
+served.</p>
+
+<p>The refreshments usually consist of dainty
+sandwiches, salads, perhaps creamed oysters or
+chicken, bouillon, chocolate, coffee, or lemonade.</p>
+
+<p>Afternoon teas are less formal and less elaborate
+than receptions. The refreshments consist
+of tea, with thin slices of bread and butter, thin
+biscuits, and cake.</p>
+
+<p>At a dancing party the hostess receives, together
+with her daughters and any guests whom
+she honors by asking. The host may receive, as
+well, but his chief duty is to keep a watchful
+eye upon his guests, looking out for the chaperons,
+and seeing that the young people are supplied
+with partners for the dances.</p>
+
+<p>At a d&eacute;butante party the mother stands nearest
+the drawing-room door, the daughter next
+her, and the father beyond. The mother greets
+each guest and then introduces the daughter.
+At the supper or dinner her brother or father
+takes out the d&eacute;butante, who sits at her father's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148"></a><a href="images/148.png">[148]</a></span>
+left. In case her brother takes her out, her
+father takes out the oldest or most honored lady
+present.</p>
+
+<p>The successful host and hostess see to it that
+all their guests are introduced to each other, if
+this is possible, so that the best of cordiality
+and the least restraint may characterize their
+mingling.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Breakfasts and Luncheons</i></div>
+
+<p>Breakfasts may be homelike, informal affairs,
+or quite ceremonious. The hour of this meal
+is at any time before one o'clock, usually twelve
+or twelve-thirty. After one o'clock the affair
+becomes a luncheon.</p>
+
+<p>Men are invited to a breakfast, but usually
+at a luncheon the guests are all women.</p>
+
+<p>A real breakfast menu, such as is often served
+on Sunday mornings in the country, consists of
+fruit, cereal, a chop, or steak, or fishballs, with
+potatoes, eggs in some form, muffins or hot rolls,
+and coffee, waffles or hot cakes, or, in New England,
+doughnuts.</p>
+
+<p>The menu for luncheon consists usually of
+soup, fruit, lobster in cutlets or croquettes, with
+mushrooms, or omelet, or fish; broiled chicken,
+or lamb chops, with green peas and potatoes;
+a salad, crackers and cheese; ice cream, with
+coffee, tea, or chocolate.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149"></a><a href="images/149.png">[149]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At a breakfast or luncheon, as at a dinner,
+every effort should be made to be punctual.
+The success of such an occasion may be ruined
+by a tardy guest.</p>
+
+<p>At a luncheon one removes wraps and veils
+in the dressing-room, retaining one's hat and
+gloves, the latter being removed at table, and resumed
+in the drawing-room after the meal, unless
+cards are the form of entertainment.</p>
+
+<p>As the guests enter the drawing-room the
+hostess shakes hands with them and introduces
+them to one another before going to the dining-room.
+When no men are present the hostess
+leads the way to the dining-room, and the guests
+find their places at the table by the name cards.
+When men are present the procedure to the
+dining-room follows the custom at a formal
+dinner.</p>
+
+<p>It is becoming customary to use the daylight
+as much as possible at all social functions; and,
+indeed, at no affair, unless it be very late in
+the afternoon and very ceremonious, is the
+daylight excluded and the candles and chandeliers
+lighted.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Formal Dinner</i></div>
+
+<p>The most enjoyable dinner is that with four
+or six guests, which is served in a simple and
+only semiformal way. This enables a hostess<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150"></a><a href="images/150.png">[150]</a></span>
+to bring together only congenial people, and the
+group is small enough for the talk to be largely
+general, and thence especially valuable, as each
+brings his wittiest stories, his clearest thoughts,
+and his best self to the appreciative and inspiring
+circle.</p>
+
+<p>The formal dinner is usually set for seven
+o'clock, or half after, or eight. The elaborate
+dinner will take from an hour to two hours,
+according to the number of courses and the
+efficiency of the service. There should be a
+waiter for every six people, although at a small
+dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers
+without much delay.</p>
+
+<p>The invitations to a formal dinner are sent
+out two weeks ahead. No more people should
+be asked than can be comfortably seated and
+speedily served. Twenty inches at the very
+least should be allowed to each cover. Children
+are never present at a ceremonious dinner.</p>
+
+<p>In choosing guests every effort should be
+made to have them congenial, with no glaring
+divergence of opinions, which would by any
+means make any one uncomfortable if the conversation
+were to become general. In seating
+the guests, only congenial people should be
+placed side by side. The intellectual harmony
+of a dinner is as important as the culinary harmony.</p>
+
+<p>Ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151"></a><a href="images/151.png">[151]</a></span>
+remove them only at table, resuming them when
+dinner is over and the guests have returned to
+the drawing-room.</p>
+
+<p>The dining-room must be quietly but well
+lighted. There should be no glaring lights, but
+a soft radiance which is so general as to make
+everything clear. An electric light hanging
+eighteen inches above the table, or a tall lamp
+whose light is at about the same height, either
+of them well shaded, are satisfactory additions
+to the candlelight.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes high lights are dispensed with and
+only candles used. Candles should always be
+lighted three minutes before the dinner is announced.
+For a dinner of not more than eight
+covers four candles are sufficient light.</p>
+
+<p>Relatives are not seated side by side, as the
+effort is to have a general mingling of the company.
+A clever hostess will see that her guests
+at a small dinner party are all introduced to
+each other before they enter the dining-room.</p>
+
+<p>The table may be round, oval, or rectangular,
+but if too narrow it cannot be made to look well.</p>
+
+<p>The tablecloth is always spread for a dinner.
+A thick pad of felt or double-faced cotton flannel
+should go under the tablecloth. The damask
+should be immaculate and of good quality. The
+tablecloth should hang almost to the floor at the
+corners.</p>
+
+<p>At each place there is a card on which the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152"></a><a href="images/152.png">[152]</a></span>
+guest's name is written. These place cards
+often have the monogram of the hostess in the
+center and are otherwise blank, except for the
+name written on.</p>
+
+<p>The place cards at a dinner should be laid
+immediately before the plates of the guests or
+on the napkins, which are folded squarely, and
+of sufficient size to be of real usefulness.</p>
+
+<p>In setting the table, the spoons for soup,
+dessert, and coffee are arranged at the top of
+the plate; the knives and forks, the latter of
+several sizes, are placed on either hand, in
+order of use, and the small plate for bread,
+olives, etc., is on the right.</p>
+
+<p>In eating, the oyster fork is the first used,
+and then one takes the next in order. Should
+one be in doubt, the rule is to glance at the
+hostess and adopt her method, whatever that
+may be.</p>
+
+<p>On elegant tables, each cover, or plate, is accompanied
+by two large silver knives, a small
+silver knife, and fork for fish, a small fork for
+oysters on the half-shell, a large tablespoon for
+soup, and three large forks. The folded napkin
+is laid in the center, with a piece of bread in it.
+Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork.</p>
+
+<p>A half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for
+each person, unless at a country dinner, where
+a full ladleful may be given without offense.</p>
+
+<p>Individual salts or salt cellars are now placed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153"></a><a href="images/153.png">[153]</a></span>
+at each plate, and it is not improper to take salt
+with the tip of the knife in lieu of a spoon.</p>
+
+<p>The place plates stand under the oyster or
+soup plates and under any course when it is
+desirable to have them. Plates must be warmed
+or chilled according to the temperature of the
+food which is to be served in them.</p>
+
+<p>The indispensable courses of a dinner are
+soup, fish, roast, salad, and dessert. In arranging
+her menu, however, each hostess will suit
+herself to her pocketbook and to what she considers
+good form in the amount and kind of
+food.</p>
+
+<p>The formal dinner should be served in a very
+leisurely style.</p>
+
+<p>At the daily family dinner as well as at
+formal dinners, all the ladies of the house and
+among the guests should be helped before any
+of the men are served, even if some distinguished
+guest is among the latter.</p>
+
+<p>It is not necessary to wait until all are served
+before beginning to eat at a dinner, but wait
+until the hostess has commenced to eat.</p>
+
+<p>Butter is not served at a formal dinner, and
+bread is laid in the napkin beside the plate.</p>
+
+<p>There should be no urging of guests to eat.
+It is assumed that a guest is not afraid to eat
+as much as he wants.</p>
+
+<p>When the fruit napkin is brought in, the user
+takes it from the glass plate on which it is laid,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154"></a><a href="images/154.png">[154]</a></span>
+and either places it at his right hand, or on his
+knees. The doily beneath the finger bowl is not
+meant for use, but should be laid on the table
+beside the finger bowl.</p>
+
+<p>After the dinner has been eaten, and dessert
+is reached, everything is cleared off but the
+tablecloth, which is now never removed. A
+dessert spoon is put before each guest, and a
+gold or silver spoon, a silver dessert spoon and
+fork, and often a queer little combination of
+fork and spoon called an ice spoon. For the
+after-dinner coffee a very small spoon is used.</p>
+
+<p>Coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the
+table, or later in the drawing-room. Cream is
+never served with a demi-tasse.</p>
+
+<p>The napkin should be left lying loosely beside
+the plate after a meal.</p>
+
+<p>In case either a guest or a servant meets with
+any accident one should pass it over with as
+much speed as possible and turn the attention
+of all immediately toward some interesting matter.
+A mistake should be completely ignored
+by both hosts and guests.</p>
+
+<p>Whenever a course is offered which you do not
+enjoy, never decline it, but accept it, and endeavor
+to take a small portion at least of it.
+You avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste
+of those who like it, and put your hostess at
+ease.</p>
+
+<p>No personal preferences in foods are to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155"></a><a href="images/155.png">[155]</a></span>
+consulted or mentioned when one is a guest at
+dinner. If one cannot accept of the fare offered,
+one should have declined the invitation.</p>
+
+<p>Should a guest be late, the hostess need not
+wait more than fifteen minutes for him, after
+which time, if he appear, the host rises from the
+table to greet him and cover the interruption
+of his entrance, but the hostess does not leave
+her place. If he does not come until after the
+second course, he is served only as the others are
+served, and no attempt is made to serve the previous
+courses to him.</p>
+
+<p>When dinner is ready, the maid or butler appears
+in the drawing-room door, catches the eye
+of the hostess, and announces quietly that dinner
+is served.</p>
+
+<p>Upon the signal, the host gives his arm to the
+guest of honor, and they lead the way, the lady
+being seated at the right of her host. After
+them come the other couples as the hostess has
+planned. Each man has found upon the dressing-room
+table an envelope addressed to him,
+in which is the name of the lady whom he is
+expected to take out to dinner, and also in the
+corner "R" or "L" to indicate on which side
+of the table he and his lady are to sit.</p>
+
+<p>After all the others have passed out, the hostess
+brings up the rear with the gentleman guest
+of honor, who will sit at her right.</p>
+
+<p>Evening dress should always be worn. For<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156"></a><a href="images/156.png">[156]</a></span>
+a lady a gown with low neck and short sleeves
+or elbow sleeves; for a gentleman, a dress coat
+and its accompanying trousers, vest, and tie of
+regulation cut and color.</p>
+
+<p>Arrival a few minutes before the hour is customary
+in order for the guests to assemble in
+the drawing-room, greet their host and each
+other, and proceed together to the table.</p>
+
+<p>When the meal is finished, the hostess catches
+the eye of the guest at her husband's right,
+smiles understandingly, and they immediately
+rise, and, followed by the rest of the ladies,
+leave the room, the men standing meanwhile.
+The men linger for a half-hour or so over their
+cigars and coffee, or liqueurs, before following
+the ladies into the drawing-room.</p>
+
+<p>In the United States it is more usual for the
+men and women to leave the dining-room together,
+and the hostess to serve the coffee in the
+drawing-room, than it is for the men to linger
+by themselves at the table.</p>
+
+<p>After a dinner party one should bid good-night
+to the lady one has taken out to the table,
+to one's host and hostess. It is not good form
+to omit the latter, for she should be assured
+that you at least have enjoyed the evening, and
+that her effort at hospitality has been appreciated
+by you. It is not necessary to take a
+formal leave of the other guests. If you choose
+you may wish them a general good-night.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157"></a><a href="images/157.png">[157]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit
+of caviare on a tiny bit of toast.</p>
+
+<p>Then comes the fruit. It may be melons,
+peaches, strawberries, or grape fruit. It must
+be in perfection, and should be on ice up to the
+moment of serving, and must tempt the eye as
+well as the palate.</p>
+
+<p>Next comes the course of oysters or clams on
+the half-shell, which should be served on
+crushed ice, on oyster plates made with hollows
+for the shells, and picked up with silver forks
+made for the purpose. Or they may be served
+more daintily without the ice, immediately
+after they have been taken from the cooler, and
+without delay.</p>
+
+<p>Then a clear soup. It may be served from
+a silver tureen by the hostess, or may be brought
+in soup plates to the guests by the waiter.</p>
+
+<p>Then fish. This may be served by the host
+or arranged in a dainty mince and served in
+shells to the separate guests. If served by the
+host, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany
+it.</p>
+
+<p>Throughout the dinner olives, salted almonds,
+radishes, and similar relishes may be passed.
+These are the only articles of food on the table
+when the guests take their seats.</p>
+
+<p>After the fish there can be an entr&eacute;e or two
+of some delicate dish, but the roast properly
+comes next. It may be turkey, beef, mutton,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158"></a><a href="images/158.png">[158]</a></span>
+or lamb. The host may carve it if he pleases,
+and the waiter receive portions from him and
+carry them to the guests. In many houses the
+lady of the house is served first, and next the
+guest of honor, who is the lady at the right of
+the host. With the roast some vegetables are
+served.</p>
+
+<p>Then comes a salad, and with the salad
+cheese and crackers are served.</p>
+
+<p>The dessert follows the salad, and black
+coffee concludes the repast. This last may be
+served at the dining table, or later in the drawing-room
+by the hostess.</p>
+
+<p>The dessert may consist of ices, fruit, pastry,
+or confections. Frequently there is a final
+course after the sweets, consisting of crackers
+and toasted cheese.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Visits</i></div>
+
+<p>It is now considered quite proper for the
+host or hostess to specify the length of time
+covered by an invitation for a visit. The complication
+of duties in our present-day life makes
+the assignment of even pleasures to definite
+periods necessary. This is as important as the
+arrangement of trains and methods by which
+the guest may arrive and leave.</p>
+
+<p>The English manner of entertaining is a
+very excellent one, as it gives the guest his freedom<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159"></a><a href="images/159.png">[159]</a></span>
+and makes his visit of the utmost profit to
+himself and also to his host. The English host
+sets the time of arrival, has his servant meet
+the guest at the station with conveyance, has
+him met at the house door again by a servant,
+and shown to his room, where he is made at
+home by being offered some light refreshments.
+He is told at what hour he will be received by
+his host and hostess in the drawing-room, usually
+a short time before dinner. Then throughout
+his stay he does not see his hostess till midday,
+although she provides amusement for her
+guests, which he is at liberty to enjoy or ignore
+as he chooses.</p>
+
+<p>After the noon meal he may do as he chooses
+through the afternoon, appearing only at dinner,
+which is the formal meal of the day, and
+at the general gathering of the family and
+guests in the evening. The various members
+of the family are ready to show the visitors
+the place, or the countryside, or play their
+favorite games during the day; but there is
+no effort to make the entertainment formal or
+to force it upon the guest. We do not wish to
+see even our most honored guests or our dearest
+friends all of the time, and this arrangement
+makes the meeting at dinner all the more enjoyed
+and valued.</p>
+
+<p>Before inviting guests it is necessary to see
+to the comfort which is represented in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160"></a><a href="images/160.png">[160]</a></span>
+guest chamber. This should be as dainty and
+comfortable as any chamber in the house, and,
+in addition to the usual furnishings, should have
+other fittings intended to supply all the comforts
+of one's home. A full line of towels, toilet
+articles, and even night robe, bathrobe, and
+slippers should be ready for the use of the
+guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase
+do not arrive at the expected time.</p>
+
+<p>If the bed is fitted out with finery as well as
+with all the linen, blankets, and comfortables
+which a well-set-up bed requires, the care of
+the finery, its removal at night and folding up,
+should not be left to the guest. This should
+be attended to before bedtime by the maid, and
+the bed turned down ready for occupancy.</p>
+
+<p>There should, of course, be vacant bureau
+drawers and wardrobe. The guest, especially
+if her visit be for a short time, and she has not
+brought her workbox, will much appreciate a
+small workbasket fitted out with needles, thread,
+thimble, and scissors. A desk fitted with
+stationery, pens, and postage stamps adds
+much to the comfort, of a guest chamber, for,
+no matter how brief the stay, facilities for
+writing to the distant home are needed
+promptly and constantly.</p>
+
+<p>The guest's comfort should be provided for
+before her entertainment or amusement, and
+she should be made to feel perfectly at home in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161"></a><a href="images/161.png">[161]</a></span>
+her room, and her possession of it be absolute
+for the time of her stay.</p>
+
+<p>It is a compliment to a guest to remember
+her favorite dishes, or to arrange things to suit
+her known tastes and preferences.</p>
+
+<p>It is the duty of the hostess to give the signal
+for retiring. This should be done with a fine
+regard for the desires of guests, rather than according
+to one's personal wishes.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Special Duties of the Country Hostess</i></div>
+
+<p>The country hostess should make her entertaining
+distinctive from that of the city. Every
+one should, at times, return to the country, for
+both physical and mental well-being. So when
+he is there, it is of great importance that he
+get country fare and country life, rather than
+make a fruitless attempt to live in the country
+as he does in the city.</p>
+
+<p>The country hostess should not attempt to
+entertain unless she can depend upon her servants.
+Her relations with them should be such
+that there is no likelihood of having a houseful
+of guests and the servants thereupon suddenly
+weary of the quiet of the country, or for any
+other trivial reason promptly departing. The
+country hostess will, however, fit herself to
+meet any emergency which may arise, both on
+her own and her family's account, as well as on
+that of her guests.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162"></a><a href="images/162.png">[162]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Therefore, housekeeping and entertaining
+should be simplified as much as possible, and
+the most unexpected of emergencies should be
+anticipated and provided for, as far as may be.
+Unless the country hostess is herself competent
+to cook and to tend the fires, she will never be
+safe in the sending out of invitations. For the
+same reason, other members of the family
+should be trained in helpfulness, so that an
+emergency will simply mean the adoption of
+emergency tactics previously agreed upon and
+practiced to the point of efficiency.</p>
+
+<p>The country hostess should remember that
+to her guests the charm and novelty of the fresh
+air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest
+attractions of her home. So she should see to
+it that guests are left untrammeled, to go and
+wander where they may wish; and also that
+the guest chambers and all other rooms are kept
+filled with fresh air even in the coldest of
+weather.</p>
+
+<p>Often the change to the invigorating country
+air makes the guest feel colder than the actual
+temperature of the room warrants. The hostess
+should remember this, and should provide that
+at all times the living-rooms and guest chambers
+be warmed as well as ventilated. The open fireplace
+is needed in addition to steam or furnace
+heat in an isolated country house.</p>
+
+<p>"Simple things need to be excellent." The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163"></a><a href="images/163.png">[163]</a></span>
+hostess should provide fresh fruit, chickens,
+eggs, vegetables, cream, and milk, the products
+of the country, rather than the elaborate dishes
+of the city.</p>
+
+<p>The hostess should enjoy the country and
+teach her guests to enjoy it. She should know
+the attractive walks and drives, the places of
+real interest, and she should be able to point
+out the picturesque spots, and the points of
+vantage for especially fine views, and to make
+others feel the charm of the country.</p>
+
+<p>The hostess should furnish outdoor occupations,
+should interest her guests in making collections
+of curious plants from the woodlands,
+and in getting acquainted with the trees. There
+should be some popular sports provided even in
+midwinter, and all the necessities for the enjoyment
+of these should be furnished, as well
+as a library, games, and all sorts of indoor
+entertainment and pastimes for the possible
+days of storm which shall block all exit from
+the house.</p>
+
+<p>The serving of meals out of doors, if the
+season and weather permit, is a distinctive
+feature of country hospitality, and very enjoyable
+to city dwellers. Breakfast and afternoon
+tea are especially easy to serve on the lawn or
+piazza, but more elaborate meals may be so
+served if there are servants and facilities
+enough. Simple meals out of doors are preferable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164"></a><a href="images/164.png">[164]</a></span>
+to more elaborate meals within. In order
+to do this enjoyably or successfully, it is necessary
+to have the piazza or garden somewhat secluded.
+A hedge, in the absence of other protection
+from the curious, easily makes this
+possible.</p>
+
+<p>The informality possible in country entertaining
+is its greatest charm. Neighbors should
+be encouraged to "drop in" at any hour, as
+the monotony of country life may thus be
+greatly relieved.</p>
+
+<p>The hostess who, in order to meet an emergency,
+is obliged to do much herself, should
+either simplify her plans of entertainment, so
+that she could carry them through without too
+great weariness to play her part as hostess by
+being with her guests, or should call upon them
+to assist her, and make it a companionable visit
+at any rate.</p>
+
+<p>Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor,
+in which all join first in the work and later in
+the play. One should endeavor to do one's part
+of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good
+comradeship, as well as share in the fun.</p>
+
+<p>One of the most enjoyable resources of the
+country hostess is the picnic. This idea may
+be varied to suit any circumstances and any
+surroundings. It may take the form of an
+athletic frolic for the young people, or of a
+reading party in some secluded and shady glen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165"></a><a href="images/165.png">[165]</a></span>
+on a hot day, if the company be intellectual, or
+various other forms.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Public Functions</i></div>
+
+<p>Men and women of prominence are often
+called upon to act as special hosts and hostesses
+at public or semipublic functions, such as club
+dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school
+or college graduations, receptions given by the
+heads of business houses on anniversaries or at
+openings, civil or state receptions, charitable
+social affairs, and the like.</p>
+
+<p>As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such
+occasions do not vary greatly from those of the
+more private affairs, but usually greater formality
+is observed, and there is less responsibility
+on the part of the public entertainers for the
+details of the service.</p>
+
+<p>At a club reception and luncheon, the president
+and chief officers of the club, with the
+guests of the day, stand in line and receive for
+a half-hour or more, in the parlors of the club.
+When all the guests, or the most of them, have
+assembled, the procession to the dining-room is
+headed by the president with the guest of greatest
+distinction, who is seated at his right. The
+other officers follow in order of rank, with the
+other guests in order of distinction.</p>
+
+<p>After dinner, when the last course is completed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166"></a><a href="images/166.png">[166]</a></span>
+and the d&eacute;bris removed, so that the tables
+present a neat appearance with their decorations
+intact, the president rises and raps for
+order. Then, after a few introductory remarks,
+he begins the program of the day. These programs
+vary greatly, but usually include after-dinner
+speeches of the light and happy or only
+semiserious order,&mdash;unless the purpose for
+which all are gathered is of serious moment,&mdash;music
+both instrumental and vocal, by excellent
+performers, and the responses to the
+speeches, either by the president or by others of
+the officers who may be called upon for brief
+and pertinent remarks. A spirit of good-will
+and enthusiasm should characterize such a
+gathering, whatever the object of it.</p>
+
+<p>When one is appointed on the entertainment
+committee of a club, or of a city, or other body
+of people, for the holding of a congress of any
+sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail
+for the entertainment of guests for a period
+covering the entire time of their stay. Such
+guests should be met at the depot or boat landing,
+should be given every assistance toward
+making them acquainted with the officers of the
+congress and club, and with the city, and every
+detail of provision for their comfort should be
+looked out for. Personal social claims upon
+their time should not be so made as to conflict
+with their real interest in coming, or with the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167"></a><a href="images/167.png">[167]</a></span>
+advantages they may have sought in the visit,
+for carrying out their personal plans.</p>
+
+<p>When one is a guest on such an occasion, he
+should remember that while his entertainment
+may have been official, his obligation for it is
+personal, and that he should personally thank
+his hosts and, in particular, his special host and
+hostess, as if he had been their only guest. No
+matter how absorbing the business of the congress
+or conference, no matter how strenuous his
+own official duties, his obligation socially is imperative,
+and must be met.</p>
+
+<p>When one is a member of the graduating class
+of a school or college, or of any small group of
+people who, as a society, are entertaining, one
+should show the courtesy of host or hostess to
+every guest. This does not mean that one is
+responsible to every guest, to see that he or she
+is well entertained, but that, aside from his personal
+responsibilities to his own guests, he
+should be, at all the public functions, in the attitude
+of host to any stranger to whom he may
+show even the slightest hospitality.</p>
+
+<p>As for his own guests, there are one or two
+points of special courtesy because of the nature
+of the entertainment. If he is inviting young
+women, or even only one, to whom he intends
+to give his whole, or a large part of his time,
+he must also invite her mother or chaperon.
+This rule is invariable for the high-school boy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168"></a><a href="images/168.png">[168]</a></span>
+graduate, for the graduate of the men's college,
+and for the man graduate of a co-educational
+university.</p>
+
+<p>In addition to the usual provision for guests,
+he must provide for their entertainment overnight
+or during their stay, if they be from the
+distance. He should, in addition, and early in
+their visit, acquaint them with the peculiarities
+of the local college customs. These customs are
+distinctive with each college, and their etiquette
+should be made clear to one who, though unused
+to them, is about to share them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169"></a><a href="images/169.png">[169]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER X</h2>
+
+<h3>DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> need of the chaperon is recognized in
+communities where there are large populations,
+and people are necessarily of many classes and
+unknown to one another. For this reason the
+system of chaperonage of the small communities
+of rural America has not been as elaborate or as
+strictly adhered to as that of the cities.</p>
+
+<p>The chaperon is the accepted guardian of
+very young girls, taking oversight of them in
+their social life as soon as the governess gives
+up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor
+substitute for the rightful care of a mother, or
+takes the place of a mother when the latter cannot
+be present, or performs in the person of one
+the duties of several mothers.</p>
+
+<p>Young girls should never go about the streets
+of a city or large town unaccompanied by an
+older person or a maid. This rule is not so
+much for physical protection as for the example
+of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion
+which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant
+experiences.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170"></a><a href="images/170.png">[170]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When a group of young people go to some
+public place of amusement or instruction, an
+older person should always accompany them.
+Such an attendant, who should be one of the
+fathers or mothers of the young people, if possible,
+would be in so great sympathy with the
+spirit of the group that his presence would impose
+no restraint and spoil no fun, yet it would
+be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and
+a protection against criticism.</p>
+
+<p>The day is not very far distant when it was
+expected that if a daughter entertained a young
+man in the drawing-room, her father or mother
+would be present during the whole of the call.
+For d&eacute;butante daughters the custom still holds
+good. For a daughter who has been out in society
+for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat
+rigorous and unnecessary, as the presence
+of the father or mother for a part of the call
+serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives,
+as well, the young people a chance to talk without
+constraint of interests which seem perhaps
+foolish and trivial to any but young people.
+The wise father and mother or chaperon know
+when to trust young people, and when it is best
+to throw them quite upon their honor. It is
+only by having responsibility for their actions
+thrust thus upon them, that they ever attain to
+natural dignity and self-reliance.</p>
+
+<p>It is sometimes permitted to a young woman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171"></a><a href="images/171.png">[171]</a></span>
+to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone
+by a young man, but only by one who is well-known
+to the family as quite to be trusted,
+and only to such parties as are presided over by
+responsible patronesses. This should be exceptional
+for any but the young woman who has
+been left without immediate family and who
+has been already in society more than one season.
+The duenna who acts as her natural guardian
+and chaperon, ordinarily accompanies her.</p>
+
+<p>It may be objected that there are large numbers
+of young women who are of necessity unprotected
+by adequate chaperonage,&mdash;through loss
+of relatives, financial limitations, or the following
+of some business calling or profession,&mdash;and
+that they are not, in general, treated with
+less respect than the young woman carefully
+guarded in her home. It yet remains true that
+the independent girl must needs provide for herself
+a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose
+that consideration which she would keep at all
+costs. A strong character welcomes the aid of
+a careful observance of conventions.</p>
+
+<p>Even the spinster of recognized professional
+standing finds herself somewhat restricted in
+social pleasures. She cannot go out socially with
+one man more than occasionally; she has little
+pleasure in going unattended; she can entertain
+but infrequently and in a small way, if at all,
+and never without an older married woman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172"></a><a href="images/172.png">[172]</a></span>
+to assist her. She may, however, have her regular
+afternoon or evening "At Home," provided
+she has with her this friend; and with that
+friend present, she may entertain a gentleman
+caller until ten o'clock in the evening, but
+she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage
+but tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.</p>
+
+<p>In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon
+is an important and ever-present personage.
+Wherever the young d&eacute;butante goes in society,&mdash;to
+every place of amusement, when walking
+or driving in the park, when shopping or calling,&mdash;and
+during her calling hours at home,
+the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant.</p>
+
+<p>The common usage of smaller towns, seashore
+places, and country villages differs in
+degree of attendance. The only wise rule is
+to follow the custom of the place in which one
+may happen to be, remembering always that
+the principle at the basis of the custom is wise
+and valuable, and that there should be good and
+sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its
+entirety. It is, however, not the letter of the
+law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience
+shows that not always the completely
+chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl
+in real danger. Everything depends upon the
+girl, and the spirit of the chaperonage she receives.
+The relations with one's chaperon should<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173"></a><a href="images/173.png">[173]</a></span>
+be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy
+of one's whole life; or they may be a
+mere farce and evasion. As a rule, however,
+too strict observance of the dictates of society
+in this connection is better than too lax.</p>
+
+<p>The careless way in which many parents allow
+their sons and daughters to go off with a
+group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended
+by any adult, is to be deplored.
+Among the parents of several young people
+there certainly is some parent, who cares
+enough about his children and their associates
+to become a chum, and be at once a magnet to
+draw them to more mature and valuable ways
+of thinking, and a safeguard against that group
+folly towards which the irresponsibility of
+youth tends.</p>
+
+<p>Until a girl makes her d&eacute;but in society, she
+is not seen at a party of adults except in her
+own home, and not there at a formal entertainment
+unless it be a birthday party, a marriage,
+or a christening.</p>
+
+<p>Even after an engagement is announced, the
+chaperon is still the attendant of the young
+couple in fashionable circles, when they go to
+any place of public amusement.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174"></a><a href="images/174.png">[174]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2>
+
+<h3>THE ETIQUETTE OF THE MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is a wise and courteous action on the part
+of a lover to consult with the parents of the
+young woman and win their consent to his proposals
+before he presents them to her. This is
+largely a form in America, for the reason that
+in a well-ordered home the young man has not
+had much opportunity to pay attention to the
+daughter, unless the father and mother have
+considered him eligible for their daughter's
+friendship; also, the daughter, rather than
+the parents, does the choosing, and few parents
+would have the temerity to refuse a young man,
+whom they had permitted to enter their home,
+a chance to try his fate. Should they have
+good cause for such refusal, they should have
+used their influence and authority to counteract
+any favorable impression the young man
+may have made, before matters came to a crisis.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Proposal</i></div>
+
+<p>In matters of great moment, where the emotions
+are deeply stirred, the trivialities of etiquette
+are at once superfluous and important.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175"></a><a href="images/175.png">[175]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>One may be so greatly overwrought as to do
+the unintentionally cruel and inconsiderate
+thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to
+the rescue, and steadies one by showing what is
+the conventional thing to do.</p>
+
+<p>No woman should permit a friendship to culminate
+in a proposal of marriage unless she is
+free to entertain such a proposal and has not
+decided in her own mind upon a negative answer.
+Of course, there are times when she receives,
+without power to check it, an unwelcome
+proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive
+but very considerate. She should express
+regret at the situation, and her appreciation
+of the honor which has been done her,
+at the same time leaving no opportunity for
+future hope. In case she is already engaged,
+she should tell him so.</p>
+
+<p>If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate
+answer. Urgency of response is determined
+by the importance to the sender.</p>
+
+<p>The return of a letter unopened, even if the
+woman have good reason to think that it contains
+a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely
+rude, and should be done under no circumstances
+but flagrant breach of confidence.
+If a letter is received by a woman from a man
+whom she has refused and whose persistency
+she has sought to end, she may place the letter
+in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176"></a><a href="images/176.png">[176]</a></span>
+legal representatives, to be acted on as they
+think best.</p>
+
+<p>The manner of a proposal is the touchstone
+of character. No man and woman, having
+passed through this experience together, can
+fail to have obtained at least a glimpse of the
+depths or the shallows of each other's character.</p>
+
+<p>In a great majority of cases in America, at
+least, where access to the young woman is
+gained through a thousand social channels, the
+real declaration of love comes spontaneously,
+and is accepted or rejected before there is opportunity
+even for the formal proposal. For by a
+thousand half-unconscious signs does that state
+of mind reveal itself. So it happens that when
+the opportunity offers to settle the matter, there
+is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little
+hesitation on the part of the woman. This is
+true in that society where really well-bred and
+noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman
+of character permits the man to be long in doubt
+of her withdrawal of herself, when she sees he
+is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond
+to his advances.</p>
+
+<p>The method of proposing is not a matter for
+a book on etiquette. It concerns, along with all
+major matters of morals, those deeper things of
+life, for which there is no instruction beyond
+the inculcation of high ideals.</p>
+
+<p>When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177"></a><a href="images/177.png">[177]</a></span>
+in the home, it is not a wise or
+courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize
+each other. Consideration on the part
+of the family would see to it that they have
+some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers
+should be as careful to keep their place in the
+social life of the home as if there were no special
+attachment. For social exclusiveness shows
+an absorption in each other which, if selfishly
+indulged, will bring its own penalty. That a
+couple are engaged denotes expectation of a
+future when they will be thrown largely upon
+each other's society; and, because it is essential
+for those who are to marry to become thoroughly
+acquainted, they should together mingle
+with other people, for so are the actual traits
+of character best brought out. This does not
+mean that they should avoid or neglect being
+alone together at times, but they should not
+obviously and selfishly absent themselves.</p>
+
+<p>The young woman should be formally courteous
+to her affianced husband, and should never
+slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly
+exalt him for the same reason. She should
+now remember that the broad world of her
+social interests is narrowing as they intensify,
+and she should not attempt in any way to break
+the bounds set for the engaged girl. She should
+not go alone with other young men to places of
+amusement or entertainment. She should<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178"></a><a href="images/178.png">[178]</a></span>
+maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced
+wife, that her betrothed shall not have
+the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention
+she gives to the men whom she meets in
+society. On the other hand she must not cater
+to the man she is to marry, to the extent of failing
+to do her social duty, or of making others
+feel that she has no interest in them.</p>
+
+<p>As members of the same social set, the engaged
+couple will naturally meet much in society.
+They should not meet with effusion, or
+sufficiently marked discrimination to make
+others about them embarrassed. They should
+not spend too much time with each other. Their
+hostess will send them out to dinner together,&mdash;which
+is in marked contrast to the custom later
+when they are married, for then they will always
+be separated when in society. The young
+woman should be careful not to permit her
+fianc&eacute; to take her away in a corner from other
+guests for a long time, and he should remember
+to do his social duty by other young ladies present,
+even if he wishes to devote himself to
+one.</p>
+
+<p>The task of meeting each other's friends,
+after the engagement is announced, is one which
+should be most interesting and enjoyable, and
+should have nothing of that embarrassment
+which comes from the sense of critical scrutiny.
+The great ordeal of winning each other is decided,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179"></a><a href="images/179.png">[179]</a></span>
+and the die cast. The smaller matter of
+establishing friendships on a mutual basis
+should be a pleasure and not an object of dread.
+Real affection and deep sincerity will make all
+prominent roughnesses smooth.</p>
+
+<p>An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground
+of any social event which they may both
+grace with their presence. The common human
+interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent
+interest of the married, tend to focus all eyes
+upon them. For this reason they will try and
+be as little conspicuous as may be.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Announcement of Engagement</i></div>
+
+<p>The announcement of an engagement may be
+made in several ways, but always first by the
+family of the young woman. If a public newspaper
+announcement is desired, a notice similar
+to the following, signed with a name and address,
+must be sent to the society editor of the
+local paper or papers:</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce
+the engagement of their daughter Ethel to Mr.
+Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date
+of the wedding has not been fixed, but it will
+probably take place soon after Easter."</p>
+
+<p>Or it may read: "Miss Ethel Abbott announces
+her engagement to Mr. Hayden B.
+Bradley," etc.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180"></a><a href="images/180.png">[180]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If a less public announcement is desired, the
+young couple may each write personal notes to
+their friends. In these notes one or two afternoons
+are mentioned when the young woman
+with her mother will be "At Home." This
+gives an opportunity for the relatives and
+friends of the young man to meet his fianc&eacute;e.</p>
+
+<p>The entertainment will be an informal afternoon
+tea, in which she and her mother receive,
+the former wearing a pretty but not too rich-looking
+gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches,
+cakes, and tea should be served.</p>
+
+<p>If an engagement is to be for long, it would
+be well to have the announcement of it as quiet
+as possible, or not to announce it until the time
+for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the
+young people not to be seen very much together
+until its final stages.</p>
+
+<p>Immediately upon the announcement of an
+engagement, the mother of the man should at
+once call upon the young woman and her
+mother, and invite them, or the entire family,
+to dinner.</p>
+
+<p>The family of the young man should be the
+first to make advances. The other members of
+the young man's family should call upon the
+young woman promptly, even if they have never
+met her before, or, if calling is impossible, they
+should write and express their approval and
+good wishes. According to the position of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181"></a><a href="images/181.png">[181]</a></span>
+family, should the elaborateness of entertainment
+be. It is a nice custom, when the young
+lady lives in another city and has never met the
+family of her fianc&eacute;, for them to invite her to
+come and visit them.</p>
+
+<p>The calls of his family upon her, and their
+letters to her, should be very promptly returned
+or answered.</p>
+
+<p>If the young woman live in the country, her
+father will invite the young man for a visit.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Bridal "Showers"</i></div>
+
+<p>The bestowal of engagement presents has of
+late years taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead
+of the occasional receipt of a present from one
+or another of her friends and relatives, the
+bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at
+one or more parties called "showers," and the
+recipient of numerous gifts which are literally
+showered upon her. There are many kinds of
+"showers," as many as the ingenuity and financial
+resources of friends may admit of. When,
+however, any one bride is to be made the object
+of a series of such attentions, it is well for the
+girl's friends who have the matter in hand to
+see to it that no one person is invited to more
+than one shower, or, if so invited, that it be at
+her own request and because she wishes to
+make several gifts to her friend.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182"></a><a href="images/182.png">[182]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>These affairs should be purely spontaneous
+and informal, and occasions of much fun and
+jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing
+the idea, and making the recipient feel
+burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of
+her friends in her behalf.</p>
+
+<p>Effort should be made not to have the articles
+given at a "shower" duplicate each other.
+They should be some simple, useful gifts, which
+will be of immediate service, and need not be
+either expensive or especially durable, unless
+the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually
+given when a wedding is in prospect, and the
+necessity of stocking up the new home confronts
+the young home-makers. The aim is to
+take a kindly interest in the new home and help
+to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than
+in any extravagant way, which would make the
+recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload
+them with semidesirable gifts.</p>
+
+<p>The "shower" is usually in the afternoon,
+and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl
+friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few
+of her older women friends and relatives. If,
+however, it comes in the evening, the men of the
+bridal party are usually also invited. The refreshments
+are simple and the style of entertainment
+informal. The invitations to a
+"shower" are usually given by the hostess
+verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183"></a><a href="images/183.png">[183]</a></span>
+words "Linen shower for Miss Hanley on
+Wednesday at four."</p>
+
+<p>There is a wide range of possible kinds of
+"showers," but the only rational way is to
+choose for a donation party of this sort only such
+objects as will be needed in quantity and variety,
+and in the choice of which one has not too strong
+and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the following:
+Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy
+china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course,
+the furnishings of some one room, as the bath-room,
+laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject
+of a "shower," but usually a housewife would
+prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else
+for use in these places.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Broken Engagement</i></div>
+
+<p>When an engagement is broken the young
+woman should return to the young man all letters
+and presents, and may ask, by a brief,
+courteous, but dignified, note, for the return
+of her letters to him. It would not be necessary,
+ordinarily, to write such a note, as the
+man would take the sending back of his gifts
+as final, and to mean the return of hers also.</p>
+
+<p>In case the wedding is near, so that wedding
+presents have been received from friends, the
+no longer "bride-elect" should return them to
+the givers with an explanatory note. The note<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184"></a><a href="images/184.png">[184]</a></span>
+should mention nothing beyond the fact that the
+engagement has been broken.</p>
+
+<p>The mother of the young woman is the one
+to announce the breaking of the engagement.
+She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes
+to friends. In case of a broken engagement,
+it is not delicate to allude to it, unless one is a
+very intimate friend, and then it is better to
+leave the first broaching of the subject to the
+one most concerned.</p>
+
+<p>It is customary for the privilege to be granted
+the woman of terminating an engagement without
+offering any explanation other than her will.
+Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege
+arbitrarily, without casting a shadow upon her
+reputation and character for faithfulness and
+integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation,
+even privately, as to the reason for the
+breaking of the engagement, as the release must
+at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever
+she chooses to say, or however unjust the
+remarks of friends seem, he is in honor bound to
+show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow
+upon her reputation, even if his own suffers
+instead.</p>
+
+<p>However, in many circles to-day it is enough
+to say that an engagement has been broken
+mutually, even though no reason is obvious.
+This should be so, for if too much comment
+attaches to the breaking of a marriage engagement,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185"></a><a href="images/185.png">[185]</a></span>
+marriages will be entered into the almost
+certain outcome of which is the divorce court.</p>
+
+<p>A lady should never accept any but trivial
+gifts, such as flowers, a book, a piece of music,
+or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman
+who is not related to her. Even a marriage
+engagement does not make the acceptance of
+costly gifts wise.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Preparation for a Wedding</i></div>
+
+<p>The preparation which the bridegroom makes
+for the new home, is, of course, by far the larger
+share of its establishment. He provides the
+home, furnishes it with everything but the
+linen, which the bride will bring, and the ornamental
+decorations, including silver for the
+table, which the wedding guests may, in these
+days of lavish presents, be expected to furnish.</p>
+
+<p>Even if he does not choose to set up a house-home
+at once, the provision for the future is all
+his, and he has to bring to the wedding the
+wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in
+household furniture or only the certificates
+of wealth with which to provide for the bride.
+This is a matter of pride with even the poorest
+lover,&mdash;with all save that small class of men
+who, either from the most worldly of motives
+or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives
+so high that they will not permit personal pride<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186"></a><a href="images/186.png">[186]</a></span>
+to stand in the way of the real union of hearts,
+submit to the indignity of becoming pensioners
+rather than donors.</p>
+
+<p>Whatever the custom for the division of responsibility
+in regard to the home and the
+future, in actual life, in every true home responsibility
+is equal, and convenience alone decrees
+what the bride and the bridegroom shall
+each contribute to the common hoard.</p>
+
+<p>The bridegroom also provides a part of the
+wedding, and although his share is minimized,
+yet it is often a costly and important part. He
+should provide the flowers which the bride and
+her attendants carry. The bride usually chooses
+her flowers, which are ordinarily white roses,
+lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of
+her favorite kind.</p>
+
+<p>Besides providing the wedding ring, the
+bridegroom usually presents to the bride some
+gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he
+has bought and furnished for her. Or it may
+be jewelry, or anything else that she desires and
+that he may have it in his power to bestow.
+The bride makes him no special gift other than
+her hand, as that is her supreme gift.</p>
+
+<p>The personal provision of the bridegroom
+sometimes consists of a new wardrobe throughout,
+besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he
+will wear his new suits somewhat before he appears
+in them as newly married. His wedding<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187"></a><a href="images/187.png">[187]</a></span>
+suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to be
+married in the evening, complete with white
+gloves and tie, and boutonni&egrave;re of the same
+flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in
+the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock,
+he will wear a frock coat of black, white vest,
+gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In case
+the wedding is in the evening and the bride is
+to wear her traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the
+bridegroom may wear the same suit as for an
+afternoon wedding, if he chooses.</p>
+
+<p>The custom of having a new wardrobe
+throughout is not necessarily followed, of course.
+It is through the bridegroom's consideration for
+the bride, and his appreciation of the housewifely
+duties which she undertakes on his behalf,
+that he makes those as small as possible
+at first, knowing that the years will bring her
+her full share.</p>
+
+<p>The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter
+of special moment, because it is for the last
+time that she is outfitted by her father. Therefore,
+he wishes to give her all that she needs for
+some time to come, that she may grow used to
+reliance upon her husband before he has to
+undertake the burden of her personal expenses
+in the matter of clothes.</p>
+
+<p>The outlay, however, is limited in quantity
+to the probable needs of the first season of married
+life, if the bride is wise, as there is no wisdom<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188"></a><a href="images/188.png">[188]</a></span>
+in having more garments than can be worn
+to advantage before the style changes.</p>
+
+<p>No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure
+too high for her future income, in
+what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The
+only circumstances in which she should exceed
+the modest sum of her usual outlay,&mdash;beyond
+the fact that she needs more and special garments
+for the different social occasions, and has
+a pride in having them as nice as possible,&mdash;are
+those in which she marries a man of much
+higher social station and much larger income
+than her own. In that case it may be well for
+her to put some of her savings for the future
+into the gowns which she knows will be necessary
+for her in her new station.</p>
+
+<p>The special gowns necessary for a bride are:
+Her wedding gown,&mdash;which is of pure white
+if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate
+color if a widow,&mdash;the wedding veil, the
+traveling suit, a reception gown, a church suit,
+a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain
+street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper,
+and a new outfitting of underclothing, in number
+and quality to suit her usual custom, or as
+nice as she can afford.</p>
+
+<p>For the bride whose purse is not overfull the
+number of gowns and suits can be materially
+diminished; the wedding gown, with some slight
+changes, such as the removal of the high collar<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189"></a><a href="images/189.png">[189]</a></span>
+and long sleeves, can be used as an evening
+dress; the traveling, church, and visiting suit
+may be one and the same; the house dresses
+may be reduced to a minimum by frequent
+washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate
+wardrobe with which to begin married life
+should not be a barrier to a marriage which in
+every other respect appears to be auspicious.</p>
+
+<p>The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of
+linen which she provides for her new home,
+should consist of approximately the following:</p>
+
+<p>For every bed three pairs of sheets, three
+pairs of pillow cases, three bolster cases, one or
+two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes, and an
+extra quilt.</p>
+
+<p>For her bedrooms she should provide table,
+stand, and bureau covers, as the style of the
+furniture may suggest, and also such covers for
+couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife
+would desire for the sake of cleanliness.</p>
+
+<p>For the bath-room there should be three dozen
+towels, a half-dozen bath towels. Towels for
+the maid should also be included.</p>
+
+<p>For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two
+dozen napkins for common use, with two finer
+tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special
+occasions, make ample provision for the average
+home. There should be doilies and tray cloths,
+covers for the sideboard, also mats and centerpieces
+for the table.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190"></a><a href="images/190.png">[190]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for
+dishes, hand towels, cleaning cloths, holders,
+and every necessary sort of towel in abundance.
+With the increasing use of the paper towel,
+much of this provision for bath-room and
+kitchen may be dispensed with, as the paper
+towel is much neater and more economical.</p>
+
+<p>The wedding gown, which is of white satin
+or silk, and usually as rich and elegant as the
+bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck
+and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they
+are supplemented by long gloves, which are not
+removed even at the wedding breakfast. The
+custom is to wear white exclusively from veil
+to shoes. Whether or not the veil is worn, a hat
+is never provided for this gown.</p>
+
+<p>It is customary, in case a bride is married
+in her traveling suit, for her to wear the hat
+and gloves which go with it. At a home wedding,
+however, this rule is not usually adhered
+to, unless the couple leave at once.</p>
+
+<p>The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn
+only at the first marriage of a woman, and usually
+only with a gown made with a train.</p>
+
+<p>The bridegroom should acquaint himself with
+the rules and regulations in regard to the marriage
+license some weeks ahead of the date set
+for the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary
+in different states, and in some a period of
+residence or notification is necessary.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191"></a><a href="images/191.png">[191]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A marriage certificate, furnishing easily
+available knowledge of the legality of the marriage
+and its date, is often of great convenience
+in the disposition of property, the probating of
+wills, and in the settlement of numerous questions
+which might arise in minor matters. This
+should be provided before the ceremony, filled
+out and signed immediately after it by the
+officiating clergyman, and signed by several witnesses.</p>
+
+<p>The wedding ring is, by long established custom,
+a plain gold band. It should be of the
+best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be
+moderately narrow and thin rather than wide
+and thick. The ring, the unbroken circle, is
+symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it
+into the keeping of the best man, whose duty
+it is to hand it promptly to him at the proper
+moment of the ceremony. The initials and date
+are engraved upon the inner surface of the ring.
+When wider rings were worn some appropriate
+sentiment was also often engraved.</p>
+
+<p>Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her
+pride to see that it is never removed. As Mrs.
+Sangster feelings says, "It is a badge of honor,
+and, worn on any woman's hand, a symbol of
+her right to belong to the ranks of worthy matrons."</p>
+
+<p>It is well to rehearse the movements of the
+bridal procession within a day or two of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192"></a><a href="images/192.png">[192]</a></span>
+ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the conduct
+of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism.
+If it is to be a church wedding, more than
+one rehearsal may be required. In that case the
+organist should be present, as well as every
+member of the bridal party, except the clergyman.
+The opening of the church for such rehearsal
+is included in the fee which the sexton
+receives, which ranges from ten to fifty dollars.</p>
+
+<p>Usually refreshments, in the form of either
+a dinner or supper, follow the rehearsal, the
+bride entertaining at her home.</p>
+
+<p>If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any
+other service in which the bride and bridegroom
+kneel, cushions for their use should be provided.
+These are usually covered in white satin, with
+outer covers of very sheer lawn upon which the
+initials may be worked.</p>
+
+<p>The floral decorations of the church or home
+should be subordinated to the main interest;
+that is, they should not be too elaborate, take
+up too much room, or do other than furnish a
+fitting background for the bridal couple. The
+decorations usually follow some definite color
+scheme, although simply the white flowers with
+green foliage are appropriate and symbolic for a
+church wedding. A few palms, simple bouquets
+of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully,
+with foliage to contrast and fill the corners,
+will decorate an altar or make a pleasant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193"></a><a href="images/193.png">[193]</a></span>
+bower. When costliness rather than beauty is
+the effect of flowers, the display is vulgar.</p>
+
+<p>An awning should be stretched from the
+house or church door to the sidewalk, so that
+the guests and bridal party may not be subjected
+to the gaze of curious passers-by as they
+leave the carriages. An attendant should be
+stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of
+the carriages, and to give to the coachmen and
+guests numbers by which their carriages may
+be speedily called.</p>
+
+<p>While the provision of the carriages belongs
+with all other things to the bride's family, the
+carriages for the bridegroom and his family
+are provided by them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194"></a><a href="images/194.png">[194]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE CONDUCT OF A WEDDING</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> cities at present the most fashionable
+hour for the ceremony is "high noon," following
+the English custom, and in remembrance
+of the long-standing tradition which placed the
+wedding early in the day, before the night's
+fast had been broken.</p>
+
+<p>The afternoon is a suitable time, as it enables
+friends to gather more conveniently from the
+distance, and as the reception with refreshments
+is much more easily arranged for than is a
+breakfast. For an afternoon wedding, three
+o'clock is the proper hour in the winter, four
+o'clock in the summer.</p>
+
+<p>The evening was at one period the fashionable
+time, and it still retains its popularity and
+long will among the middle class of people and
+in the country, because a larger gathering of
+friends can be expected at that time, as all are
+free from business and household cares.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Church Wedding</i></div>
+
+<p>For the church wedding special arrangements
+must be made for the seating of the guests. A<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195"></a><a href="images/195.png">[195]</a></span>
+certain number of pews in the center front of
+the church are reserved for the families and intimate
+friends of the bride and bridegroom.
+The reservation is indicated by a broad white
+ribbon barrier across the aisle, or a garland of
+flowers. The family of the bride is seated on
+one side of the aisle, and that of the bridegroom
+on the other.</p>
+
+<p>The ushers should be at the church at least
+a half-hour before the guests begin to arrive.
+They wear small buttonhole bouquets of flowers
+like those used in the decorations of the church,
+which are sent them there by the florist.</p>
+
+<p>In seating the guests they should take great
+care to seat in the reserved space only those
+whose names are on the list given them as belonging
+there. Therefore, they ask the name
+of each guest whom they do not know before
+assigning him his seat. Sometimes, however,
+each of these special guests is provided with a
+card which he gives to the usher.</p>
+
+<p>When a gentleman and lady enter the church
+together, the usher offers his right arm to the
+lady, and the gentleman follows them as they
+proceed down the aisle. When several ladies
+arrive together, the usher offers his arm to the
+eldest, and requests the others to follow as he
+conducts her to her seat.</p>
+
+<p>Each usher asks of each guest whether he is
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196"></a><a href="images/196.png">[196]</a></span>friend of the bride or bridegroom, and seats
+him accordingly, upon the left of the church
+if a friend of the bride, upon the right if a
+friend of the groom. In case the bridegroom is
+from the distance, and therefore there are few
+of his friends present, this custom is not followed.</p>
+
+<p>Immediately before the bridal party appears,
+the mother of the bride is escorted by the head
+usher to a seat in the front pew. Any sisters or
+brothers of the bride who may not be in the
+bridal procession enter with their mother.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile the bridal party has been gathering,
+the bridesmaids going to the home of the
+bride and there receiving from her their bouquets,
+which are the gift of the bridegroom.
+Thence they take carriages to the church, where
+they all arrive at the hour set for the ceremony.
+When the first carriage arrives, containing two
+of the bridesmaids,&mdash;as the carriage of the
+bride and her father is the last,&mdash;the head
+usher closes the inner vestibule door, and the
+other ushers see that all entrance at side doors
+is barred. When the bride arrives the outer
+street doors are closed, and the procession forms.
+Two of the ushers have already carried the
+broad white ribbon down the sides of the main
+aisle, thus shutting in the pews, and have taken
+down the ribbon barrier across it.</p>
+
+<p>The bridegroom and his best man have come
+in a carriage by themselves and entered the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197"></a><a href="images/197.png">[197]</a></span>
+church by the vestry door. They and the clergyman
+await the notice of the bride's arrival.</p>
+
+<p>The organist, who has been playing appropriate
+selections while the guests were assembling,
+begins on the wedding march as the doors
+to the church are thrown open in signal that all
+is in readiness. The audience rises. The
+clergyman takes his place, and the bridgegroom
+and best man enter, the former standing at the
+clergyman's left, the latter just behind the
+bridegroom, who is facing the aisle down which
+the bride will come.</p>
+
+<p>First come the ushers, two and two, keeping
+pace with the time of the music, which is a
+stately, dignified march. The bridesmaids follow,
+also two and two, with about six feet of
+space between each couple. The maid of honor
+alone, or the maid and matron of honor together,
+then come. The flower girl, or flower children
+follow, scattering flowers from a basket hung
+upon the left arm.</p>
+
+<p>Then come the bride and her father, or nearest
+male relative, she with downcast eyes and
+leaning upon his right arm.</p>
+
+<p>The procession divides as it reaches a spot
+opposite the place where the bride and bridegroom
+are to stand, or, in an Episcopal church,
+the top of the chancel steps; half go to the
+right and half to the left. The bridesmaids
+stand between the ushers, all being grouped in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198"></a><a href="images/198.png">[198]</a></span>
+a semicircle. The maid of honor stands at the
+left, in front of the bridesmaids and near the
+bride.</p>
+
+<p>The bridegroom advances to meet the bride,
+who leaves her father and takes the bridegroom's
+hand, then accepts his left arm and is
+escorted by him to a position in front of the
+clergyman. The couple kneel for a moment
+before the ceremony begins.</p>
+
+<p>At the place in the ceremony where the question
+is asked, "Who giveth this woman to be
+married to this man?" the father, who has
+been standing a few feet back, advances and
+places the bride's right hand in that of the
+clergyman, who places it in the right hand of
+the bridegroom. The father then takes his seat
+in the front pew with his wife, whom, as they
+leave the church, he escorts.</p>
+
+<p>Should a widowed mother be the only one
+to respond to this inquiry, she simply rises
+from her seat and bows. In such a case the
+bridegroom usually enters with the bride, and
+the procession is less elaborate.</p>
+
+<p>When the troth is being plighted and the ring
+is about to be given, the best man hands it to
+the bridegroom, who passes it to the bride. She
+hands it to the clergyman, who returns it to the
+bridegroom. Then the latter places it upon the
+third finger of the bride's left hand. The significance
+of the passing of the ring is that it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199"></a><a href="images/199.png">[199]</a></span>
+completes a circle, the symbol of eternity, of
+which the clergyman is one, thus symbolizing
+the sanction of the church.</p>
+
+<p>After the ceremony the clergyman congratulates
+the newly wedded couple, and the bride
+takes the right arm of her husband, walking
+thus down the aisle, the bridal party following
+in reverse order, the ushers therefore last. Even
+at a stately church ceremonial it has been known
+for the bride to stop and kiss her mother before
+passing down the aisle.</p>
+
+<p>The duties of the maid of honor during the
+service are to take from the bride her glove and
+bouquet as the clergyman asks the bride and
+bridegroom to join hands. Then it is her care
+to remove the veil from before the face of the
+bride when the ceremony is over, and to turn the
+train of her gown that it may fall rightly as
+she passes up the aisle.</p>
+
+<p>Occasionally when there are two main aisles
+to the church, the bridal procession enters on
+the one amid the friends of the bride, and returns
+on that amid the friends of the groom, to
+signify that the bride has now become one of
+them.</p>
+
+<p>The best man follows the clergyman to the
+vestry, hands him the fee, if the groom had not
+before done so, and passes down the side aisle
+to signal for the bridal carriage, and to give
+the bridegroom his hat and coat. He then goes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200"></a><a href="images/200.png">[200]</a></span>
+to the bride's house, where he assists the ushers
+in introducing the guests to the pair.</p>
+
+<p>The organist starts up a very joyous march
+at the conclusion of the ceremony, and continues
+playing while the guests are dispersing.</p>
+
+<p>Following the bridal procession the families
+and intimate friends of the couple pass out before
+the audience, as the ribbon barriers which
+reserve the aisle are not taken down until all
+have passed out. If the reception is at the
+home, this gives the bridal party time to enter
+the carriages; if the reception is in the church
+parlors, it gives time for them to take their
+places in the receiving line.</p>
+
+<p>At the bride's home there is now time, before
+the guests arrive, for all of the bridal party to
+congratulate and felicitate the bride and bridegroom,
+and also to sign after them the register
+of the marriage, which is in the care of the best
+man. This is usually in the form of a book
+bound in white, with the initials of the bride
+and bridegroom embossed upon it, and opportunity
+is usually given for the wedding guests
+to add their signatures also.</p>
+
+<p>The bride's mother, who is the real hostess of
+the occasion, stands near the entrance of the
+room in which the reception is held. In a receiving
+line at the head of the room stand the
+bride and bridegroom with half of the bridesmaids
+ranged on the bride's right and the other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201"></a><a href="images/201.png">[201]</a></span>
+half on the groom's left. The parents of the
+groom stand near and the father of the bride
+with them or with his wife, as host. The ushers
+present the guests to the bride and bridegroom,
+and then to their parents, as guests of honor.
+A few words of congratulation to the bridegroom
+and of best wishes to the bride are all
+that the few moments possible for each guest
+permit. The bride offers her hand to each
+guest, and presents to her husband her friends,
+as he does his to her.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Home Wedding</i></div>
+
+<p>The home wedding may be made in every
+way quite as ideal as the church wedding, and
+is much more simple, its privacy appealing to
+many. The house will be decorated with flowers
+in good taste and not too great profusion. Usually
+a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage
+is erected at the head of the drawing-room.
+This should not be too massive, as only a special
+grouping of the flowers is preferable to an
+arrangement which is too crowded or shaded.</p>
+
+<p>As the guests arrive the mother and sisters
+of the bride receive them. The father of the
+bride does not appear, nor, of course, does the
+bride, until they enter together. A room is
+placed at the disposal of the bridegroom, the
+best man, and the clergyman.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202"></a><a href="images/202.png">[202]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At the stroke of the hour appointed, the
+clergyman enters and takes his stand facing the
+company. The bridegroom and best man also
+enter and stand at the left of the clergyman, the
+best man somewhat behind. As in a church
+wedding, the broad white ribbon is used to
+mark the aisle. If bouquets are attached to the
+ends of it, they will hold it in place.</p>
+
+<p>Then from the farthest corner of the room
+enters the bridal procession, formed as for a
+church wedding.</p>
+
+<p>At a simple house wedding there are often
+no attendants, the bride and bridegroom entering
+the room together, the bride's father having
+taken his position near at hand, where he can
+readily respond at the right moment.</p>
+
+<p>Another way of forming the procession,
+which has all the advantages of the more elaborate
+one, is for the best man to follow the
+ushers, then the one bridesmaid to enter immediately
+preceding the bride and bridegroom.</p>
+
+<p>Music is often dispensed with at a home
+wedding.</p>
+
+<p>When the ceremony is over the clergyman
+congratulates the couple and withdraws, and
+they, turning, face their friends, who then come
+to wish them happiness.</p>
+
+<p>Whether the wedding take place in the home
+or at the church, the bridal pageant has only
+one object in view,&mdash;it is wholly for the sake<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203"></a><a href="images/203.png">[203]</a></span>
+of the bridegroom. Every woman desires to
+come to her husband in all the glory of her
+womanhood and of her social position. By all
+custom the bridegroom does not see his bride
+upon the wedding day until she approaches him
+as he stands at the altar. So, with her family
+doing her the utmost honor that they can, she
+comes to him, bringing all that she has and is,
+and placing herself and her future in his care.
+The coming is just as real, however, though the
+utmost simplicity prevail.</p>
+
+<p>Back of all the minute detail of wedding
+custom there is a symbolism. With the constant
+elevation of the standards of marriage,
+this symbolism and these customs grow purer
+and more in accord with the ideals. Just as it
+is always taken for granted that a marriage
+ceremony is uniting loving hearts, so little by
+little all that is at variance with that thought
+will drop away, as have already several minor
+details, and new forms and customs more in
+harmony with the new ideals take the place of
+the old. These changes, however, come very
+gradually, and should not be hastened, but
+should only keep pace with the new conceptions.
+Nevertheless, there should not be too tenacious
+a clinging to the old forms, which expressed
+lower conceptions, when the masterly thought
+of the day is forging out higher and purer
+ideals of marriage.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204"></a><a href="images/204.png">[204]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Wedding Breakfast</i></div>
+
+<p>The wedding breakfast is the name given to
+the refreshments which follow the noon wedding.
+It is usually given when there are but
+few relatives and intimate friends, because it is
+an expensive feast if large numbers are invited.
+It is really a dinner, served in courses, at
+numerous small tables, each with a complete
+dinner service. One large table, placed in the
+center of the room or elsewhere conspicuously,
+is reserved for the bridal party.</p>
+
+<p>The menu usually consists of "fruit, raw
+oysters, bouillon, fish or lobster in some fancy
+form, an entr&eacute;e, birds and salad, ices, cakes,
+bonbons, and coffee," according to one recognized
+authority. Or it may be much simpler,
+and include only oysters or bouillon, sandwiches
+and salad, ices, cakes, and coffee.</p>
+
+<p>Usually some punch is served in which to
+pledge the bride and bridegroom. If wine is
+used, champagne is customary for weddings.</p>
+
+<p>The caterer usually supplies all the necessities
+for the wedding feast, even to china, linen,
+silver, candelabra, and flowers, should the
+bride's parents so wish.</p>
+
+<p>At the wedding reception, after the congratulations
+and greetings are over, and the breakfast
+is announced, the bride and bridegroom<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205"></a><a href="images/205.png">[205]</a></span>
+lead the way to the dining-room. Then comes
+the bride's father with the groom's mother.
+The bridegroom's father follows with some
+member of the bride's family, then come the
+best man and the maid of honor. The ushers
+and bridesmaids pair off, and other members
+of the bridal party or of the two families follow
+in pairs. Lastly, as hostess of the occasion,
+comes the bride's mother, with the officiating
+clergyman, or the senior and highest in rank of
+the clergymen, if there be more than one, as
+guest of honor.</p>
+
+<p>The rest of the guests, who are not seated at
+the bridal table, find their seats as they choose,
+with friends, no place cards being used.</p>
+
+<p>For an afternoon or evening reception the
+refreshments are served as for any reception.
+A large table in the dining-room is decorated
+with flowers and piled with the edibles, which
+are served by the waiters to the guests as they
+enter. The variety of food depends wholly
+upon the resources of the bride's parents and
+the size and elaborateness of the wedding.
+Many prefer a simple repast as the hour is unusual
+for a meal, and a dinner is not to be
+served.</p>
+
+<p>When the bride and bridegroom enter and
+are served, the best man proposes a toast to
+their health and happiness, and all present
+stand, glass in hand, and pledge them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206"></a><a href="images/206.png">[206]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At a wedding breakfast the English custom
+is to have toasts and speeches, but it is not followed
+largely in this country. Where it is,
+usually at a small wedding party, the father
+of the bridegroom or the best man proposes the
+health of the bride and bridegroom. The
+father of the bride responds. Sometimes the
+bridegroom is called on to respond to this toast,
+which he does, proposing in turn the health of
+the bridesmaids. To this the best man responds.</p>
+
+<p>The wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake,
+which is at its best only when made months in
+advance and kept in a stone crock well covered.
+This is finely frosted and ornamented.</p>
+
+<p>At the close of the wedding breakfast the
+wedding cake is set before the bride, who cuts
+the first slice from it. It is then passed to the
+others.</p>
+
+<p>At a large wedding, where no breakfast is
+served, the wedding cake is usually cut into
+small pieces and placed in white boxes, which
+are decorated with the initials of the bride and
+bridegroom and are tied with white ribbon.
+These are placed upon a table in the hall near
+the door and the guests either each take one as
+he leaves, or one is handed him by a servant.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put
+away in a tin box and sealed, to be opened by
+the couple on some future anniversary.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207"></a><a href="images/207.png">[207]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The wedding cake is distinct from the bride's
+cake, which may be served by the latter at a
+dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more before
+the wedding, and in which a thimble, a coin,
+and a ring are hidden. The superstition is
+that the young women who by chance receive
+the slices containing these are respectively destined
+for a future of single blessedness, wealth,
+or domestic bliss.</p>
+
+<p>At a reception the larger number of the
+guests depart before the bridal couple go to the
+dining-room. As soon as refreshments are
+served them, and the toast to them has been
+drunk, they retire to don suits for traveling.
+The bridegroom waits for the bride at the
+foot of the staircase, and the bridesmaids gather
+there too, as when she comes, she throws her
+bridal bouquet among them, and the bridesmaid
+who catches it will be the next bride, according
+to an old superstition.</p>
+
+<p>As the outer door is opened to let the couple
+out, all the friends and relatives present throw
+flowers or confetti or rice after them, for good
+luck, and an old white slipper is thrown after
+the carriage as they drive off. The custom of
+thus showering the departing couple has been
+sometimes carried to such an extreme that many
+refrain from it. Rice is somewhat dangerous,
+and confetti is so distinctive as frequently to
+cause embarrassment when in a public train or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208"></a><a href="images/208.png">[208]</a></span>
+station. Flowers may appropriately be used,
+and are always at hand in the decorations of
+the home.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Wedding Journey</i></div>
+
+<p>The wedding journey is the bride and bridegroom's
+affair, and the knowledge of it is kept
+their secret and divulged only to the best man,
+who probably helps arrange for it, and to the
+father and mother of the bride, and they all are
+silent about it. The intrusion of even intimate
+friends upon such a trip is not considered good
+form.</p>
+
+<p>The custom of taking a journey at this time
+is not so rigidly observed as it used to be, many
+young couples preferring to go direct to their
+new home, or to a quiet country house for the
+honeymoon.</p>
+
+<p>The real wishes of the couple should be followed
+out at this time, because they are now
+more free from social obligations than they will
+be later, and a wise start upon married life is
+of all things most desirable and necessary.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Wedding Fee</i></div>
+
+<p>The fee should be placed in an envelope or
+purse, and given to the clergyman by the best
+man or some friend of the bridegroom, just before<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209"></a><a href="images/209.png">[209]</a></span>
+or just after the ceremony, as may be most
+convenient. It is sometimes handed to the
+clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of the
+ceremony and before the couple turn away from
+the altar. It should be always given quietly,
+privately, and with no display or comment.</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman does not examine the fee or
+comment upon it, other than indicating his acceptance.</p>
+
+<p>The size of the fee is a matter of individual
+taste. Because it is unostentatiously given, its
+size is known only to the bridegroom and the
+clergyman, and to none others unless they wish
+to tell. There are some people in fashionable
+circles who employ a minister only at marriages
+and funerals, and who labor under the impression
+that they are objects of charity and that by
+them even the small favor is always thankfully
+received. No one thing so denotes the degree
+of real refinement in a man as the fee he offers
+the clergyman for marrying him. The clergyman
+is one of the three principals in the marriage
+ceremony. The great majority of brides
+desire that their marriage should have the sanction
+and benediction of the religious body with
+which they worship, or which has standing in
+their community and among their people. At
+the very least, in the civil marriage, without a
+third party to represent either church or state
+a marriage ceremony and therefore a legalized<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210"></a><a href="images/210.png">[210]</a></span>
+marriage is impossible. The third principal is
+therefore an important part of the affair. To
+treat him shabbily in any way denotes no real
+appreciation of his presence. So it is that the
+true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome
+fee to him, if his means permit it, as he is to
+give to his bride something which shall delight
+and please her, and which shall symbolize his
+appreciation of the gift of herself. The bridegroom's
+offering to the clergyman is indeed the
+touchstone of his refinement. Wedding fees
+vary from five to a thousand dollars, the usual
+amount being twenty-five dollars for the fairly
+affluent.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Wedding Presents</i></div>
+
+<p>So extreme has become the custom of sending
+wedding presents that it is perhaps necessary
+to remind those who really desire to do the
+correct thing, that a perfunctory service, or gift,
+or courtesy has no intrinsic value, and the omission
+of it would often be far more satisfactory
+than its bestowal.</p>
+
+<p>The usual form of wedding gift is something
+of use and ornament for the new house. Silver,
+linen, cut glass, or china for the dining-room,
+furniture, rugs, lamps, clocks, vases, books, and
+pictures, or bric-a-brac for the rest of the house,
+are all appropriate.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211"></a><a href="images/211.png">[211]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If silver is given, it should not be marked,
+as the bride may have duplicates and prefer to
+exchange some pieces for others, or as she may
+have a special form of engraving which she prefers.
+The exchange of a gift, however, removes
+from it the personal thought of the giver, and
+makes its acceptance more a matter of mercenary
+than of friendly interest. If, however,
+such exchange is made at the suggestion or with
+the approval of the giver, it still remains a personal
+gift. The indefinite way in which many
+people choose wedding gifts for their friends,
+following only the conventional ideas of what
+is suitable, has taken a great deal of personal
+interest from the gift at the very first.</p>
+
+<p>The wedding gift should be a real gift in
+spirit, something expressive of the giver's good
+wishes, and something which the bride and
+bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its
+worth to them. Foolish things, whether expensive
+or not, have no real utility or beauty,
+and have always the atmosphere of insult about
+them, or else always reflect upon the intelligence
+of the giver.</p>
+
+<p>A bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon
+as they are received, and before her wedding
+day if possible. Spontaneous rather than stereotyped
+notes of thanks are preferable. They
+should show appreciation of the gift, and include
+the name of the bridegroom-elect in her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212"></a><a href="images/212.png">[212]</a></span>
+expression of their gratitude. A bride should
+remember that too elaborate notes, which are a
+grave tax on her strength or time in the busy
+days preceding a wedding, are unwise, as is any
+other unnecessary expenditure of energy.</p>
+
+<p>It is never obligatory to send a wedding
+present. The wedding announcement and wedding
+invitation are equally suggestive of such
+gifts, for in either case, whether one is invited
+to the ceremony or not, one is perfectly free to
+do as he pleases about conferring a gift.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Country Wedding</i></div>
+
+<p>There is an especial attractiveness and simplicity
+about the out-door wedding in the country,
+for those who desire to get rid of the conventional
+and artificial. Such a wedding is, of
+course, a day wedding. The late afternoon
+might be chosen, but the twilight never. The
+weather must be warm.</p>
+
+<p>A secluded corner in the garden, the shade
+of some stately tree on the lawn, or the flowery
+seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive
+chancels for the ceremony.</p>
+
+<p>The grass should be cut close, and all leaves
+and d&eacute;bris swept away.</p>
+
+<p>Somewhat removed from the place of the
+ceremony, but still on the lawn or piazza, small
+tables and chairs may be placed in groups, and
+refreshments served out of doors also.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213"></a><a href="images/213.png">[213]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The simplicity and homelike yet solemn atmosphere
+of a wedding in a country church
+appeal to many. There much of the formality
+of a city church wedding may be dispensed with,
+and yet the whole of the religious spirit, which
+should attend a church wedding, and indeed
+any wedding, be retained. The country church
+lends itself more aptly to those private weddings
+where the bridal party, whether small or large,
+are the only spectators, than does the large city
+church. The sense of exclusiveness is preserved
+without the great sense of bareness and emptiness.</p>
+
+<p>To many the private church wedding appeals
+with great force. The religious and sacramental
+nature of the ceremony is emphasized,
+without the pomp and display of the public
+service. Such a wedding usually takes place in
+the daytime rather than in the evening.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214"></a><a href="images/214.png">[214]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2>
+
+<h3>ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> may be taught self-restraint and unselfish
+consideration for others at so early an age
+that such virtues become habitual, and minor
+maxims are to a large extent unnecessary. Of
+course, the child will still have to be shown the
+various ways in which he can show consideration,
+but he will quite frequently do of himself
+those acts which make for the comfort and well-being
+of others.</p>
+
+<p>Habits of deference to elders spring from
+more complex motives, and the training in them
+may have to be more persistent and rigorous.
+Boys should be taught to take off their caps to
+their elders, both in the family and in the circle
+of friends, when they meet them on the street.
+They should rise when ladies enter the room,
+and remain standing until all are seated.</p>
+
+<p>An important part in a child's bringing up
+is to teach him to put away his own garments
+and to clear up after his play or work. If this
+is instilled early into the child, there will never<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215"></a><a href="images/215.png">[215]</a></span>
+be any need of the pain of counteracting slovenliness,
+and also never any of that disagreeable
+haughtiness toward servants, which is fostered
+by nothing so much as by the inch-by-inch waiting
+upon a child.</p>
+
+<p>The child who has been made a companion
+of, and not repressed or driven away by the
+older people of the family, has a sort of instinctive
+respect for them, which, though it
+may overstep itself in some daring familiarity
+occasionally, is the basis of a strong authority
+over him. The child who has been spied on,
+and whose idea of all adults is that they are a
+sort of modified policemen, will show respect
+only under compulsion, and will fail in all
+those fine courtesies which the thoroughly well-bred
+child grows to delight in.</p>
+
+<p>Self-control and self-repression are equal virtues
+to be cultivated in the child. To permit
+the child to be indifferent and inattentive when
+one is trying to amuse or entertain, to be impatient
+to get at the end of a story or a game,
+to keep yawning; or making other expressions
+of weariness when being reproved or reprimanded,
+cultivates in the child a mental laziness
+which is as bad as its opposite,&mdash;parrot-like
+facility for chattering and asking questions,
+which gives a child no chance to think, and
+makes him develop into a man of only surface
+intelligence and thoughtless flippancy. Even<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216"></a><a href="images/216.png">[216]</a></span>
+a child can appreciate, if rightly taught, the
+motive back of a kind action, and can respect
+that even if the action does not interest him.</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand, it is a serious matter to
+allow a child to be constantly bored with lectures
+on his conduct, or even with efforts to amuse
+him. He should be let alone, thrown upon his
+own resources, and not permitted to be taxed
+beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but
+futile efforts on his behalf.</p>
+
+<p>Children should never be allowed to interrupt.
+For that reason parents, and those who
+have the care of children, should remember not
+to monopolize the conversation when there are
+children present, nor talk on and on for a long
+time, as no person, least of all a child, can follow
+such continuous talk without weariness.</p>
+
+<p>Children should be taught that thinking will
+answer most of their questions for them, that
+they should wait and see if the answer will not
+be given by something that is said later on.
+Every effort made to drive the thought of a
+loquacious child back upon itself is an effort in
+the right direction; just as every effort made
+to express and reveal the thought of an imaginative
+child is much to the latter's benefit.</p>
+
+<p>The sayings of a child should never be quoted
+in his presence, nor his doings related. He
+becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby.</p>
+
+<p>A child should be taught to respect the rights<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217"></a><a href="images/217.png">[217]</a></span>
+of the father and mother to the easiest chairs in
+the room, or those which they may prefer, and
+should leave those chairs vacant until the father
+and mother are seated elsewhere.</p>
+
+<p>The boy who has been brought up at home,
+both by precept and by his father's example,
+never to seat himself at the dining table or in
+the family sitting-room until his mother is
+seated, will not need to be told that he should
+rise in a crowded street car and give his seat
+to an elderly woman. He will do it so instinctively
+that it will not be a burden,&mdash;indeed,
+the regret would be more keen if he could
+not do it.</p>
+
+<p>If children are present at the dining table,
+it is wiser to help them first, and the grown
+people last, than the reverse. In everything it
+is well to follow the etiquette of adult life, as,
+for instance, by helping the girls before the
+boys.</p>
+
+<p>Children should be taught to be punctual at
+meals, not simply for the sake of health, but out
+of consideration for the cook and for those who
+might otherwise be obliged to wait for them.
+They should not be allowed to hurry through a
+meal because of their impatience to get at play,
+although they may be wisely excused when they
+are quite through. There is no value in making
+them the bored, squirming, or subdued listeners
+to conversation quite beyond their comprehension<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218"></a><a href="images/218.png">[218]</a></span>
+or interest. They should be taught to eat
+leisurely, and to regard the mealtime as a chance
+to talk with their parents about interesting
+things, and not simply as a time to be shortened
+and slighted if possible.</p>
+
+<p>Usually the child's first rigid lesson in punctuality
+comes at the beginning of school life.
+Then, most profitably, may be cultivated a sense
+of the rights of others, and of his individual
+responsibility toward the social group, represented
+for him by his teacher and schoolmates.
+If the emphasis is rightly laid upon the necessity
+of his not delaying the work of his classmates
+and teacher, he will naturally find many
+ways in which he may apply the same thought,
+greatly to his own advantage and to theirs as
+well, and to the permanent strengthening of his
+habits of work.</p>
+
+<p>A keen sense of social oneness may also prevent
+the too frequent heart-burnings among shy
+and sensitive children. This is as easily cultivated
+as is the opposite, and is of great importance
+both in childhood and in later life. The
+seeming injustice of the teacher may often be
+made clear, and seen to be just, when the welfare
+of the whole school is taken into consideration.
+This is a matter of the natural enlargement
+of the child's mental horizon, and if the
+proper spirit has been fostered, the child will
+welcome it. Should it be done carefully and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219"></a><a href="images/219.png">[219]</a></span>
+wisely, the roots of many social weeds will at
+once be eliminated.</p>
+
+<p>Fault-finding should be discouraged in school
+and at home. It is never the best method of
+fault correction, and should not be countenanced.</p>
+
+<p>The bringing home of tales of the teacher
+and of schoolmates, in a spirit of complaint,
+should not be permitted. Pleasant accounts of
+happenings at school should be encouraged, but
+grumbling against rules, as well as personal
+gossip, should not be permitted. The authority
+of the home must support the authority of the
+school or the child will nowhere receive that
+discipline and training which he needs in order
+to meet the experiences of life.</p>
+
+<p>The child should be allowed a certain sum of
+money, which, even in the most lavish homes,
+should be a little under what the wants of the
+child require. The giving of this money should
+be done regularly at a stated time, and there
+should never be any extra giving, or increase of
+the usual sum, except under very unusual circumstances,
+which should not be allowed to
+happen more than once a year.</p>
+
+<p>The child should also be held accountable for
+his money. If he is old enough to have any
+money, or to spend any, he is old enough to tell
+how he spent it, even to the last penny. Unless
+all is accounted for, the habits of accuracy and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220"></a><a href="images/220.png">[220]</a></span>
+care are not formed. The record of this should
+be written down, even if done very simply and
+without special form, and later, as the child
+grows older, more conventional forms of bookkeeping
+should be required.</p>
+
+<p>It should be also required that there be some
+saving, which is preferably a certain proportion
+of the whole, this for a beginning to which to
+add extra sums as the child may wish. This
+saved sum should be permanently put by, and
+drawing from it should not be permitted. It
+may be transferred to a bank at long intervals,
+always by the child himself, and his pride in
+doing it and keeping it there should be cultivated.</p>
+
+<p>These matters may all be made a game and
+sheer fun. Their grave importance is apparent
+on every hand. For the child which has been
+taught early to do these things, will do them
+with such ease as to make it seem instinctive,
+and the child who does it will never, under any
+ordinary circumstances, come to want.</p>
+
+<p>The proper behavior in church should be
+taught rather by trying to inculcate the spirit of
+worship than by making rules to be followed.
+A child is very susceptible to impressiveness
+of any sort, and if the reason for it is made
+clear to him, he will be quicker to respond to it
+by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an
+older person. Even the obstreperous child i<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221"></a><a href="images/221.png">[221]</a></span>s
+at least temporarily impressed, if he sees that
+others are, and if he knows the reason for it.</p>
+
+<p>Children should realize that it is their privilege
+and duty to serve guests, whether their
+own or their parents. The sacrifice of one's
+own comfort for the sake of the guest takes,
+with a child, the form of a sort of play, usually
+because of the excitement of the arrival of a
+stranger, and the possibilities of fun in the
+enjoyment of the stranger's stay.</p>
+
+<p>The child should be taught respect for the
+guest's person, and should not be allowed to take
+the same liberties with a gown or a glove that
+sometimes the mother or aunts permit, no matter
+how great the novelty of the texture or how
+it appeals to the child's sense of beauty. The
+privileges of being a guest should be always
+duly respected, and the child be thus taught at
+once his duty as a host and his position as a
+guest.</p>
+
+<p>Children should never be allowed to play
+with a visitor's hat or cane, or handle furniture
+or ornaments in a strange house, or show by
+ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a
+child, in unaccustomed surroundings, naturally
+feels. They can be taught so great a respect
+for the possessions of others that they would
+become able to stifle their curiosity, or express
+it only at a fitting time.</p>
+
+<p>Children should not be sent to the drawing-room<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222"></a><a href="images/222.png">[222]</a></span>
+to entertain visitors, unless the visitors
+request it themselves. Nor should they be allowed
+to be troublesome to visitors or guests at
+any time, any more than servants should be
+allowed to be insolent. They should never be
+allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests,
+nor to visit them often or long.</p>
+
+<p>Children should not be permitted to enter
+into the pleasures of their elders when, to do
+so, would be to spoil the kind of sociability for
+which the occasion was intended. At all formal
+functions, children are out of place. When
+making formal calls, children are usually in
+the way, and the silent part they are forced to
+play is disagreeable for them. They are also
+out of place at a funeral, or in a cemetery, or
+anywhere that there is mourning. It is an injury
+to a child to see grief,&mdash;unless it be his
+great concern, and in that case it is no longer a
+matter of etiquette, but of necessary life experience.</p>
+
+<p>Children should not dine out except by special
+invitation. It is as discourteous to permit a
+child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a neighbor,
+as it is wrong for the child to think that such
+uninvited visits are permissible.</p>
+
+<p>A child should be taught never to touch what
+does not belong to it, except with the express
+permission of the owner. This applies to goods
+in a store, as well as to the furniture of places<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223"></a><a href="images/223.png">[223]</a></span>
+other than his home, and to the belongings of
+others in his home.</p>
+
+<p>A child should not be allowed to intrude into
+a drive, a walk, a call, or a conversation. It
+is unfair to the child, and awkward for him,
+and is no kindness, as it takes away the benefit
+which he might otherwise derive from the pleasure
+either by continually snubbing his self-respect,
+or by repressing his energy and curiosity
+to the danger point.</p>
+
+<p>Children should not be allowed to go to picnic
+parties, unless they have been invited and entertainment
+prepared for them.</p>
+
+<p>Children should be taught to treat servants
+with all the politeness with which they treat
+their elders, and with much more consideration.
+The converse of the servants with children
+should be of the same careful and pleasant
+quality that the best parents use and desire.
+This may well be insisted upon. On the other
+hand, the children should be taught that servants
+are busy people, that they should never be
+imposed upon, and that unnecessary work
+should not be made for them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224"></a><a href="images/224.png">[224]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2>
+
+<h3>ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Upon</span> the occasion of a death in the family
+a reliable undertaker is at once notified and his
+suggestions followed as to the necessary preparations
+to be made for the funeral.</p>
+
+<p>The shades are drawn throughout the front
+of the house, as a sign that the family is in
+retirement. The women of the family are not
+seen upon the street unless necessary, the men
+taking full charge of all business matters. The
+directions which the undertaker desires should
+be decided upon by the family, or nearest relative
+of the deceased, and then some one member
+of the family should be delegated to see that
+they are carried out. Palm leaves tied with
+ribbon or chiffon, spray bouquets of white
+flowers tied with ribbon, an ivy wreath broken
+with a bunch of purple everlasting, are much
+preferred to crape upon the door.</p>
+
+<p>Press notices of the funeral and death should
+be sent to the newspapers. The conduct of the
+funeral should be arranged with the clergyman
+chosen to officiate, the superintendent of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225"></a><a href="images/225.png">[225]</a></span>
+cemetery consulted (usually through the undertaker),
+and the notes of request sent to those
+chosen to act as pallbearers. Sometimes the
+latter are purely honorary, the undertaker furnishing
+the bearers. The honor is usually given
+to intimate family friends, or close business
+associates in case of a business man.</p>
+
+<p>A carriage is always provided for the clergyman,
+and he is entitled to a fee, although clergymen
+do not charge it, either at a home or church
+funeral. If the service is held at a church, the
+sexton, organist and singers,&mdash;and the singers
+at a home funeral as well,&mdash;are entitled to
+recompense for their services.</p>
+
+<p>Carriages are sent for the pallbearers, and
+are also provided to convey the family, and as
+many of the friends as may be invited to go, to
+the cemetery.</p>
+
+<p>One may announce in the newspaper "Burial
+private," in which case it is understood that
+only the family attend at the grave; or "No
+flowers" if the family wish the usual sending
+of flowers dispensed with.</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman usually consults the wishes
+of the family as to the form of service, the
+hymns or music, and remarks. The funeral
+service should be brief, and preferably a ritual
+service with no sermon or eulogy. The last are
+usually harrowing to the feelings of the
+mourners, and there should be every reasonable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226"></a><a href="images/226.png">[226]</a></span>
+effort made to relieve the tension of the occasion,
+for the sake of the living.</p>
+
+<p>At a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the
+first pews at the left of the center aisle; the
+family in those to the right. At a home funeral
+it is customary to have the family in some secluded
+room near the one where the coffin is
+placed and to have the clergyman stand in the
+hall between, or at the entrance of the drawing-room,
+where he may be readily heard by all.</p>
+
+<p>If the service at the grave immediately follows
+the funeral the house should meanwhile
+be aired, the shades lifted, the flowers all sent
+away to some hospital, and the rooms arranged
+in the usual way.</p>
+
+<p>Before a funeral at the home, it is necessary
+for some member of the family to receive the
+relatives from the distance, and the very intimate
+friends, and see that they are given
+necessary refreshment, and their return to
+trains, if they must leave immediately after the
+funeral, thoroughly understood by the hackmen.</p>
+
+<p>At a home funeral the singers should be somewhat
+distant from the family, so that the music
+is not loud.</p>
+
+<p>The members of the family are dressed in
+hats and veils ready to enter the carriages, before
+the service. They pass to view the body,&mdash;if,
+according to a former custom, the casket is
+left open,&mdash;last of all, and enter the last <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227"></a><a href="images/227.png">[227]</a></span>carriage
+before that of the pallbearers, which immediately
+precedes the hearse.</p>
+
+<p>In sending flowers to a funeral, one's card is
+enclosed. There should be no slightest sense of
+obligation in the sending of flowers, and each
+piece should represent only real sympathy or
+respect.</p>
+
+<p>The putting on of black garments as a sign
+that one has lost a near relative has been much
+modified by the good sense of the people, and
+the period of mourning shortened, especially in
+England. In stating the accepted mourning
+custom, the moderate observance of it has been
+given, both extremes being ignored.</p>
+
+<p>Crape is the quality of goods most closely
+allied with mourning. Black dresses trimmed
+with black crape are usually worn for the first
+few months by women who have lost a near
+relative. The black veil worn by widows is now
+of moderate length, and usually not of the very
+thick material which was once in vogue. A
+ruche of white is now placed just inside the
+bonnet, which relieves the black effect somewhat.
+Black furs and sealskins are worn with mourning.</p>
+
+<p>The English fashion of six months of the
+deepest mourning and six months of secondary
+is meeting with more and more approval in this
+country, although for a close relative a year is
+the first period and six months the second.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228"></a><a href="images/228.png">[228]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>One who is in mourning does not appear in
+society for the first six months; after that it
+is permissible to attend a concert or musical,
+but not the theater or a reception while severe
+mourning is worn.</p>
+
+<p>During the mourning period, black-bordered
+stationery is used. The border on paper and
+envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch
+for a close relative and half that for a more
+distant one, or during the secondary period of
+mourning, if one cares to make the change.
+The personal visiting card has a black border
+during this time.</p>
+
+<p>The handkerchief is bordered with narrow
+black, or is of narrow-bordered, plain, sheer
+linen.</p>
+
+<p>For relatives-in-law it is not customary to
+put on black, although for a father- or mother-in-law
+it is customary, in the best society, to
+dress nearly as for an own father or mother.</p>
+
+<p>A widower wears a complete suit of black,
+white linen, dull-black silk neckties, dull-black
+leather shoes, black gloves, and a black ribbon
+of broader width upon his hat.</p>
+
+<p>The mourning band sewed upon the coat
+sleeve is a discredited form of mourning. It
+does not denote the nearness of the loss, and
+has only the virtue of cheapness for those who
+cannot afford to show marked respect to the
+dead.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229"></a><a href="images/229.png">[229]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Men do not observe the custom of withdrawing
+from society for as long a time as do the
+women, but usually reappear at the homes of
+intimate friends, at public places of entertainment,
+and at the club after two or three months.
+As long as the mourning band is worn upon the
+hat, however, no man should attend large and
+fashionable functions, as dinner or dancing
+parties, or the theater.</p>
+
+<p>After six months a woman may resume calling,
+returning the calls of those who called upon
+her in the early weeks of her bereavement.</p>
+
+<p>Children of fifteen years of age and under
+should not wear mourning.</p>
+
+<p>The viewing of the body of the deceased as
+it lies in the casket is the privilege of only the
+family and the immediate friends, and should
+not be requested by others. Therefore, the
+casket is now usually closed before the funeral
+service, especially if that be at a church. In
+case of a man in public office, it is sometimes
+necessary that the body should lie in state for
+certain hours, when the public may pay their
+respects.</p>
+
+<p>Punctuality is very necessary in regard to
+everything connected with a funeral service, as
+the overwrought nerves of those who are sorrowing
+should not be taxed to bear any extra
+tension.</p>
+
+<p>Within ten days after the funeral, a card of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230"></a><a href="images/230.png">[230]</a></span>
+thanks for sympathy should be sent to all who
+have called upon the family or sent flowers or
+offered their services in any way.</p>
+
+<p>When one is in mourning, one does not attend
+a wedding reception, though one may be
+present at the ceremony. Black should not be
+worn.</p>
+
+<p>Mourners announce their return to society by
+sending out their cards to friends and acquaintances.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231"></a><a href="images/231.png">[231]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2>
+
+<h3>MILITARY, NAVAL, AND FLAG ETIQUETTE</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> social usage in respect to military or
+naval officers follows ordinarily the customs of
+formal occasions or occasions of state in civilian
+life, or is provided for in the instructions of
+the army and the navy, which the members of
+those two departments of the service would alone
+be expected to know. There are, however, one or
+two occasions where the etiquette of social life
+is, or may be, modified by the formalities due to
+these representatives of the Government.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Formal Military Wedding</i></div>
+
+<p>The church or formal home wedding where
+the bridegroom and his attendants are all army
+men, may have the distinctive feature of the
+arch of swords or bayonets. The bridegroom and
+the ushers, in that case, are all in full dress uniform.
+The bride and bridesmaids are dressed
+daintily and fluffily to afford contrast. The
+church should be decorated with palms and lilies,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232"></a><a href="images/232.png">[232]</a></span>
+and with the national and the regimental flags in
+the chancel. As the organist begins the wedding-march,
+two color-bearers of the regiment, carrying
+one the national flag and the other the regimental
+colors, precede the bridegroom and the
+best man from the vestry. The latter take
+their usual places, and the color-bearers move
+to a position at either side of the chancel steps.
+After the ceremony, they move to the head of
+the aisle, and the ushers form a line to the
+foot of the chancel steps. The ushers then put
+on their caps, unsheathe their swords, or raise
+their bayonets, and form an arch with them.
+Under this arch pass the bride and bridegroom,
+and the bridesmaids. Then, sheathing their
+swords and removing their caps, the ushers fall
+into line at the end of the procession.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>Naval and Yachting Usage</i></div>
+
+<p>When one is the guest of the owners or
+the officers of a yacht, or of the officers of
+a government warship or other large vessel,
+it is well to know that in the lading of the
+gig for reaching and leaving the ship, the order
+of precedence is always as follows: Juniors
+in rank or official importance enter the
+gig first, and the one highest in rank immediately
+precedes the Captain, who is always the
+last to embark and the first to disembark. In<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233"></a><a href="images/233.png">[233]</a></span>
+leaving the gig, the order is reversed from that
+on entering it, the junior in rank thus being the
+last to leave the boat.</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br /><i>The Etiquette of the Flag</i></div>
+
+<p>The flag is displayed every day only on government
+buildings and schoolhouses. On state
+holidays, and like commemorative days when it
+is customary for the flag to be displayed on private
+buildings, it should be raised at sunrise and
+lowered at sunset. It should not be displayed
+on stormy days, nor left out over night. It
+should never be allowed to touch the ground.
+When it is to be displayed at half-mast only, it
+should be raised to the tip of the staff and
+then lowered halfway. It should never be festooned
+or draped, but always be hung flat.</p>
+
+<p>On Memorial Day, May 30, the flag should be
+displayed at half-mast until twelve o'clock noon,
+and then raised to the top of the staff until
+sunset. The salute for the changing of the position
+of the flag at all army posts and stations
+having artillery, is as follows: immediately
+before noon, the band plays some appropriate
+air, and at the stroke of twelve the national
+salute of twenty-one guns is fired. After this
+the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff,
+while everybody stands at attention, with hand<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234"></a><a href="images/234.png">[234]</a></span>
+raised to the forehead ready for the salute.
+When the colors reach the top, the salute is
+given, and the band plays patriotic airs.</p>
+
+<p>The salute to the flag is used at its formal
+raising, and when it passes on parade or in review.
+The hand salute according to the regulations
+of the United States Army is as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Standing at attention, raise the right hand to
+the forehead over the right eye, palm downward,
+fingers extended and close together, arm at an
+angle of forty-five degrees. Move hand outward
+about a foot, with a quick motion then drop to
+the side. When the colors are passing on parade
+or in review, the spectator should, if walking,
+halt, if sitting, arise, and stand at attention
+and uncover."</p>
+
+<p>In schools two forms of salute are taught.
+The first, for primary children, is: "We give
+our heads and our hearts to God and our country;
+one country, one land, one flag." The second,
+for all other pupils, is: "I pledge allegiance
+to my flag and to the Republic for which it
+stands: one nation indivisible, with liberty and
+justice for all."</p>
+
+<p>When the flag is carried on parade, it is
+dipped in salute to the official who is reviewing
+the parade. Whenever the flag is displayed with
+other flags,&mdash;whether the colors of a regiment or
+other military organization, or of alien nations,&mdash;it
+should be placed, or carried, or crossed, at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235"></a><a href="images/235.png">[235]</a></span>
+the right of the other flag or flags. When portrayed
+in illustrations by any process or for
+any purpose, it is so pictured that the staff
+will always be at the left and the fabric will
+float to the right.</p>
+
+<p>The chief regulations governing the composition
+of the flag are as follows: In the <i>field</i>
+of the flag there should be thirteen horizontal
+stripes, alternating red and white, the first and
+the last stripes red. These stripes represent the
+thirteen original colonies. The colors red and
+white were chosen by George Washington, the
+red from the flag of England, the Mother
+Country, broken by the white, symbolizing liberty,
+to show the separation. The <i>union</i> of the
+flag&mdash;white stars on a field of blue&mdash;should be
+seven stripes high, and about seven-tenths of the
+height of the flag in length. "The stars should
+have five points, with one point directly upward."<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a>
+The stars symbolize the States. "By
+an act of Congress on October 26, 1912, the flag
+now has forty-eight stars, arranged in six horizontal
+rows of eight each."</p>
+
+
+<h2>THE END</h2><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237"></a><a href="images/237.png">[237]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag."</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>INDEX</h2>
+
+
+<div>
+Abbreviations, <a href="#Page_99">99</a>, <a href="#Page_113">113</a>, <a href="#Page_115">115</a><br />
+Absent-mindedness, <a href="#Page_125">125</a><br />
+Acceptances, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+Accidents at table, <a href="#Page_154">154</a><br />
+Accounts for children, <a href="#Page_219">219</a>, <a href="#Page_220">220</a><br />
+Acknowledgment of wedding gifts, <a href="#Page_211">211</a><br />
+Addresses on cards, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">on envelopes, <a href="#Page_60">60</a>-<a href="#Page_66">66</a>, <a href="#Page_118">118</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">on invitations, <a href="#Page_114">114</a>, <a href="#Page_118">118</a></span><br />
+Addressing:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The President of the United States, <a href="#Page_62">62</a>, <a href="#Page_63">63</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Vice President, <a href="#Page_63">63</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Members of the Cabinet, <a href="#Page_64">64</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ambassadors, <a href="#Page_63">63</a>, <a href="#Page_64">64</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Governors, <a href="#Page_63">63</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mayors, <a href="#Page_63">63</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The King of England, <a href="#Page_64">64</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Dukes, <a href="#Page_65">65</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Pope, <a href="#Page_65">65</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Bishops and Archbishops, <a href="#Page_65">65</a>, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">strangers, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>, <a href="#Page_67">67</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">married women, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></span><br />
+Addressing wedding invitations, <a href="#Page_118">118</a><br />
+After-dinner speeches, <a href="#Page_166">166</a><br />
+Afternoon tea, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+Afternoon teas for the engaged girl, <a href="#Page_180">180</a><br />
+Allowances for children, <a href="#Page_219">219</a>, <a href="#Page_220">220</a><br />
+Amusement, places of, <a href="#Page_122">122</a>-<a href="#Page_124">124</a>, <a href="#Page_170">170</a><br />
+Anger, <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+Anniversaries, <a href="#Page_40">40</a><br />
+Announcement of engagement, <a href="#Page_179">179</a>-<a href="#Page_181">181</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">by newspaper notice, <a href="#Page_179">179</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">by personal note, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></span><br />
+Announcements: engagement, <a href="#Page_74">74</a>, <a href="#Page_179">179</a>-<a href="#Page_181">181</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">birth, <a href="#Page_104">104</a>, <a href="#Page_105">105</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">death, <a href="#Page_224">224</a>, <a href="#Page_225">225</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">marriage, <a href="#Page_116">116</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">postponements, <a href="#Page_119">119</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></span><br />
+Answering Letters, <a href="#Page_76">76</a><br />
+Apology, <a href="#Page_29">29</a>, <a href="#Page_31">31</a><br />
+Appearance, personal, <a href="#Page_6">6</a>, <a href="#Page_10">10</a><br />
+Applauding, <a href="#Page_124">124</a><br />
+Art of Being a Guest, The, <a href="#Page_137">137</a>-<a href="#Page_144">144</a><br />
+"At Home" days, <a href="#Page_145">145</a>, <a href="#Page_146">146</a><br />
+"At Home" invitations of bridal couple, <a href="#Page_116">116</a>, <a href="#Page_117">117</a><br />
+Attitude toward strangers, <a href="#Page_132">132</a>, <a href="#Page_133">133</a>, <a href="#Page_135">135</a><br />
+<br />
+Balls, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+"Bal Poudre" invitations, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+Beauty, <a href="#Page_10">10</a>, <a href="#Page_15">15</a><br />
+Begging pardon, <a href="#Page_29">29</a>, <a href="#Page_82">82</a>, <a href="#Page_130">130</a><br />
+Behavior in church, <a href="#Page_124">124</a>, <a href="#Page_125">125</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">public, <a href="#Page_122">122</a>-<a href="#Page_136">136</a></span><br />
+Best man, duties of, <a href="#Page_8">8</a>, <a href="#Page_196">196</a>-<a href="#Page_199">199</a>, <a href="#Page_201">201</a>, <a href="#Page_205">205</a>, <a href="#Page_208">208</a><br />
+Birth announcements, <a href="#Page_104">104</a>, <a href="#Page_105">105</a><br />
+Birthday anniversaries, <a href="#Page_41">41</a><br />
+Blank invitation, the, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>, <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+Bow, the, manner of, <a href="#Page_78">78</a>, <a href="#Page_79">79</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">significance of, <a href="#Page_80">80</a>-<a href="#Page_82">82</a></span><br />
+Breakfasts, <a href="#Page_148">148</a>, <a href="#Page_149">149</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dress at, <a href="#Page_12">12</a>, <a href="#Page_36">36</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">menu of, <a href="#Page_148">148</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">wedding, <a href="#Page_204">204</a>-<a href="#Page_207">207</a></span><br />
+Bridal party:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at rehearsal, <a href="#Page_191">191</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at "showers" and dinners, <a href="#Page_181">181</a>-<a href="#Page_183">183</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at church, <a href="#Page_192">192</a></span><br />
+Bridal procession, formation of, <a href="#Page_196">196</a>, <a href="#Page_202">202</a>, <a href="#Page_203">203</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at a church wedding, <a href="#Page_197">197</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at a home wedding, <a href="#Page_202">202</a></span><br />
+Bridal "Showers," 181-<a href="#Page_183">183</a><br />
+Bridal veil, <a href="#Page_190">190</a><br />
+Bridegroom's duties at ceremony, <a href="#Page_196">196</a>-<a href="#Page_199">199</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">preparation of a home, <a href="#Page_185">185</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">share of expense of wedding, <a href="#Page_186">186</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">wedding outfit, <a href="#Page_186">186</a>, <a href="#Page_187">187</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238"></a><a href="images/238.png">[238]</a></span>Bridesmaid, duties of a, <a href="#Page_8">8</a>, <a href="#Page_196">196</a>-<a href="#Page_200">200</a><br />
+Business acquaintances, <a href="#Page_129">129</a><br />
+Business cards, <a href="#Page_100">100</a><br />
+Business, etiquette of, <a href="#Page_83">83</a>, <a href="#Page_129">129</a><br />
+Business introductions by correspondence, <a href="#Page_70">70</a><br />
+Business letters, <a href="#Page_54">54</a>, <a href="#Page_55">55</a>, <a href="#Page_60">60</a><br />
+Business meetings, <a href="#Page_123">123</a><br />
+Business training of a wife, <a href="#Page_23">23</a><br />
+Business women, social life of, <a href="#Page_171">171</a>, <a href="#Page_172">172</a><br />
+<br />
+Cake:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">wedding, <a href="#Page_206">206</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">bridal, <a href="#Page_207">207</a></span><br />
+Calling upon one person, <a href="#Page_93">93</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">a guest, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></span><br />
+Calls:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">after entertainment, <a href="#Page_90">90</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">by men, <a href="#Page_92">92</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">first, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>, <a href="#Page_95">95</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">formal, <a href="#Page_90">90</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">friendly, <a href="#Page_90">90</a>, <a href="#Page_93">93</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">obligations of, <a href="#Page_91">91</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">upon brides, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">clergymen, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">government officials in Washington, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">newcomers, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">people of note, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">return of, <a href="#Page_90">90</a>, <a href="#Page_95">95</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">time of, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></span><br />
+Candles, use of, <a href="#Page_151">151</a><br />
+Card, The Personal, <a href="#Page_96">96</a>-<a href="#Page_105">105</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">form of, <a href="#Page_96">96</a>, <a href="#Page_105">105</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">form of name on, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>, <a href="#Page_98">98</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">inscription of, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>-<a href="#Page_100">100</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">titles on, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">use of, <a href="#Page_102">102</a>-<a href="#Page_105">105</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">after change of residence, <a href="#Page_103">103</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">announcing a birth, <a href="#Page_104">104</a>, <a href="#Page_105">105</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">announcing a departure, <a href="#Page_104">104</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">leaving, <a href="#Page_90">90</a>, <a href="#Page_91">91</a>, <a href="#Page_103">103</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of sympathy, <a href="#Page_104">104</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of congratulation, <a href="#Page_104">104</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">presenting at calls, <a href="#Page_91">91</a>, <a href="#Page_95">95</a>, <a href="#Page_102">102</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">when visiting or traveling, <a href="#Page_103">103</a>, <a href="#Page_131">131</a></span><br />
+Cards, Place, <a href="#Page_152">152</a><br />
+Carriages for wedding, <a href="#Page_193">193</a>, <a href="#Page_196">196</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">for funeral, <a href="#Page_226">226</a></span><br />
+Casual Meetings, <a href="#Page_78">78</a>-<a href="#Page_90">90</a><br />
+Chaperon, Duties of the, <a href="#Page_169">169</a>-<a href="#Page_173">173</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">necessity of, <a href="#Page_169">169</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">in public, <a href="#Page_169">169</a>, <a href="#Page_170">170</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at calls, <a href="#Page_170">170</a>, <a href="#Page_172">172</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">with the engaged couple, <a href="#Page_173">173</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">for the d&eacute;butante, <a href="#Page_172">172</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">relations with one's, <a href="#Page_172">172</a>, <a href="#Page_173">173</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at a dancing party, <a href="#Page_139">139</a>, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></span><br />
+Character, <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+Children, Etiquette for, <a href="#Page_214">214</a>-<a href="#Page_223">223</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">and mourning, <a href="#Page_222">222</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">and servants, <a href="#Page_214">214</a>, <a href="#Page_223">223</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">and visitors, <a href="#Page_221">221</a>, <a href="#Page_222">222</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at the dining table, <a href="#Page_217">217</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">in church, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></span><br />
+Church, attendance, <a href="#Page_143">143</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">behavior in, <a href="#Page_124">124</a>, <a href="#Page_125">125</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">of children, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></span><br />
+Church weddings, public, <a href="#Page_194">194</a>, <a href="#Page_213">213</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">private, <a href="#Page_213">213</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">invitations, <a href="#Page_114">114</a>-<a href="#Page_119">119</a></span><br />
+Cleanliness, <a href="#Page_14">14</a><br />
+Club dinners or receptions, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>, <a href="#Page_166">166</a><br />
+Club invitations, <a href="#Page_111">111</a><br />
+Club officers, <a href="#Page_165">165</a><br />
+Conclusions of letters, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>, <a href="#Page_70">70</a><br />
+Coffee, service of, <a href="#Page_154">154</a><br />
+Condolence, letters of, <a href="#Page_75">75</a>, <a href="#Page_76">76</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">acknowledgment, <a href="#Page_76">76</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></span><br />
+Congratulations, <a href="#Page_76">76</a><br />
+Conformity to custom, <a href="#Page_203">203</a><br />
+Congresses, guests at, <a href="#Page_167">167</a><br />
+Consideration on the part of a guest, <a href="#Page_141">141</a>-<a href="#Page_143">143</a><br />
+Convalescence, <a href="#Page_45">45</a><br />
+Conversation, <a href="#Page_16">16</a>, <a href="#Page_48">48</a>-<a href="#Page_52">52</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at table, <a href="#Page_35">35</a>, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></span><br />
+Correspondence, <a href="#Page_52">52</a>-<a href="#Page_55">55</a><br />
+Correspondence cards, <a href="#Page_56">56</a><br />
+Country, entertainment in the, <a href="#Page_161">161</a>-<a href="#Page_164">164</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">parties, <a href="#Page_144">144</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></span><br />
+Country wedding, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>, <a href="#Page_212">212</a>, <a href="#Page_213">213</a><br />
+Courses at formal dinner, <a href="#Page_157">157</a>, <a href="#Page_158">158</a><br />
+Courtesy, <a href="#Page_2">2</a>, <a href="#Page_3">3</a>, <a href="#Page_4">4</a>, <a href="#Page_5">5</a>, <a href="#Page_18">18</a>, <a href="#Page_19">19</a>, <a href="#Page_20">20</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to servants, <a href="#Page_45">45</a>, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_47">47</a>, <a href="#Page_144">144</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to nurse and doctor, <a href="#Page_45">45</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to invalids, <a href="#Page_44">44</a></span><br />
+Cutlery, arrangement of, <a href="#Page_152">152</a><br />
+<br />
+Dancing Parties, <a href="#Page_138">138</a>, <a href="#Page_139">139</a>, <a href="#Page_140">140</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">invitations, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>-<a href="#Page_111">111</a></span><br />
+Daylight, use of, <a href="#Page_149">149</a><br />
+Deaf persons, <a href="#Page_32">32</a><br />
+Debate, <a href="#Page_50">50</a>, <a href="#Page_51">51</a><br />
+D&eacute;butante and the chaperon, <a href="#Page_169">169</a>, <a href="#Page_172">172</a><br />
+Decorations for wedding, <a href="#Page_192">192</a><br />
+Deference to elders, <a href="#Page_214">214</a><br />
+Dessert, service of, <a href="#Page_154">154</a>, <a href="#Page_158">158</a><br />
+Dinners, <a href="#Page_149">149</a>-<a href="#Page_158">158</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">announcement of, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">choice of guests, <a href="#Page_150">150</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">conversation at, <a href="#Page_49">49</a>, <a href="#Page_150">150</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">formal, <a href="#Page_137">137</a>, <a href="#Page_149">149</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">invitations to, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>, <a href="#Page_150">150</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">lighting of, <a href="#Page_151">151</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">menu of, <a href="#Page_157">157</a>, <a href="#Page_158">158</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">place cards for, <a href="#Page_152">152</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">retiring from, <a href="#Page_156">156</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">seating guests at, <a href="#Page_151">151</a>, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_156">156</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">service of, <a href="#Page_152">152</a>, <a href="#Page_153">153</a>;</span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239"></a><a href="images/239.png">[239]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">table-setting for, <a href="#Page_151">151</a>, <a href="#Page_152">152</a></span><br />
+Discipline, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_47">47</a><br />
+Dress, <a href="#Page_11">11</a>, <a href="#Page_36">36</a>, <a href="#Page_112">112</a>, <a href="#Page_128">128</a>, <a href="#Page_134">134</a>, <a href="#Page_140">140</a>, <a href="#Page_186">186</a>-<a href="#Page_190">190</a><br />
+Dress for men:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">afternoon, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">early breakfast, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">formal breakfast, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">evening, <a href="#Page_14">14</a>, <a href="#Page_156">156</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at weddings, <a href="#Page_14">14</a>, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></span><br />
+Dress for women:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at home, <a href="#Page_16">16</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">ball, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">church, <a href="#Page_12">12</a>, <a href="#Page_189">189</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dinner, <a href="#Page_12">12</a>, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>, <a href="#Page_150">150</a>, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_189">189</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">formal breakfast, <a href="#Page_12">12</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">house party, <a href="#Page_140">140</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">luncheon, <a href="#Page_12">12</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">mourning, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">traveling, <a href="#Page_130">130</a>, <a href="#Page_141">141</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">visiting, <a href="#Page_140">140</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">wedding, <a href="#Page_187">187</a>-<a href="#Page_189">189</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">as business woman, <a href="#Page_15">15</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">as hostess, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">as housewife, <a href="#Page_16">16</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">as milliner, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></span><br />
+Driving, <a href="#Page_127">127</a>, <a href="#Page_128">128</a><br />
+Duties of Host and Hostess, <a href="#Page_145">145</a>-<a href="#Page_168">168</a><br />
+<br />
+Emerson, <a href="#Page_iv">iv</a><br />
+Engaged couple, the:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at a dancing party, <a href="#Page_139">139</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at home, <a href="#Page_177">177</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">duties to friends, <a href="#Page_178">178</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">in society, <a href="#Page_177">177</a>-<a href="#Page_179">179</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">meeting each other's friends, <a href="#Page_178">178</a>, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></span><br />
+Engagement announcements, <a href="#Page_179">179</a>-<a href="#Page_181">181</a><br />
+Engagement, The Broken, <a href="#Page_183">183</a>-<a href="#Page_185">185</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">announcement of, <a href="#Page_183">183</a>, <a href="#Page_184">184</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">explanation of, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></span><br />
+Engagements:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">punctuality, <a href="#Page_17">17</a>, <a href="#Page_32">32</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">punctiliousness in keeping, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></span><br />
+English customs of entertainment, <a href="#Page_158">158</a>, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<a name="engrave" id="engrave"></a>Engraved Invitation, The, <a href="#Page_105">105</a>-<a href="#Page_121">121</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">stock of, <a href="#Page_105">105</a>, <a href="#Page_106">106</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">type of, <a href="#Page_106">106</a>, <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_108">108</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">size of, <a href="#Page_105">105</a>, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></span><br />
+Entering a room, <a href="#Page_27">27</a><br />
+Entertainment, assisting in, <a href="#Page_123">123</a>, <a href="#Page_124">124</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">English customs of, <a href="#Page_159">159</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">for guests, <a href="#Page_142">142</a>, <a href="#Page_162">162</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">in the country, <a href="#Page_163">163</a></span><br />
+Entertainment committees, duties of, <a href="#Page_166">166</a><br />
+Envelopes, <a href="#Page_118">118</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">addressing, <a href="#Page_59">59</a>, <a href="#Page_60">60</a>, <a href="#Page_61">61</a>, <a href="#Page_114">114</a>, <a href="#Page_118">118</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">sealing, <a href="#Page_59">59</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">stamping, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></span><br />
+Ethics, <a href="#Page_1">1</a><br />
+Etiquette, an art, <a href="#Page_2">2</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">the end of, <a href="#Page_iii">iii</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">the need of, <a href="#Page_iii">iii</a>, <a href="#Page_2">2</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Rewards of, <a href="#Page_1">1</a>-<a href="#Page_5">5</a></span><br />
+Etiquette of Mourning, <a href="#Page_224">224</a>-<a href="#Page_230">230</a><br />
+Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement, The, <a href="#Page_174">174</a>-<a href="#Page_193">193</a><br />
+<br />
+Family Etiquette, <a href="#Page_20">20</a>-<a href="#Page_47">47</a><br />
+Faults among women, <a href="#Page_18">18</a><br />
+Fees, <a href="#Page_144">144</a><br />
+Festivities, rural, <a href="#Page_164">164</a><br />
+Finger bowls, <a href="#Page_37">37</a><br />
+First Calls, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>, <a href="#Page_95">95</a><br />
+Five o'clock tea, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+Forms of wedding invitations, <a href="#Page_114">114</a>, <a href="#Page_115">115</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">announcements, <a href="#Page_115">115</a>, <a href="#Page_116">116</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">reception cards, <a href="#Page_116">116</a>, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">bridal "At Home" cards, <a href="#Page_116">116</a>, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">personal cards, <a href="#Page_96">96</a>-<a href="#Page_105">105</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dinner invitations, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">reception, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>; "At Home," 116, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">party, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">New Year, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></span><br />
+Forms of announcements of postponement, <a href="#Page_119">119</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">gratitude for sympathy, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></span><br />
+Friends, <a href="#Page_21">21</a>, <a href="#Page_42">42</a>-<a href="#Page_44">44</a><br />
+<br />
+General Rules of Conduct, <a href="#Page_26">26</a>-<a href="#Page_33">33</a><br />
+Gifts, <a href="#Page_40">40</a>, <a href="#Page_41">41</a>, <a href="#Page_42">42</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">engagement, <a href="#Page_181">181</a>, <a href="#Page_185">185</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">for "showers," 181-<a href="#Page_183">183</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of bridegroom to bride, <a href="#Page_186">186</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of bridegroom to ushers and bridesmaids, <a href="#Page_186">186</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to servants, <a href="#Page_144">144</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">wedding, <a href="#Page_210">210</a>-<a href="#Page_213">213</a></span><br />
+Giving away the bride, <a href="#Page_198">198</a><br />
+Gloves, <a href="#Page_149">149</a>, <a href="#Page_151">151</a><br />
+Golden Rule, <a href="#Page_2">2</a><br />
+Good-night formalities, <a href="#Page_28">28</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at a reception, <a href="#Page_138">138</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dancing party, <a href="#Page_140">140</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dinner, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></span><br />
+Graduations, <a href="#Page_167">167</a>, <a href="#Page_168">168</a><br />
+Greeting guests at a luncheon, <a href="#Page_149">149</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dinner, <a href="#Page_156">156</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">reception, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></span><br />
+Greetings, <a href="#Page_28">28</a>, <a href="#Page_78">78</a>-<a href="#Page_83">83</a><br />
+Guest chamber, <a href="#Page_160">160</a>, <a href="#Page_161">161</a><br />
+Guest, the art of being a, <a href="#Page_137">137</a>-<a href="#Page_144">144</a>, <a href="#Page_167">167</a><br />
+Guest:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at afternoon tea, <a href="#Page_137">137</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">a congress, etc., <a href="#Page_166">166</a>, <a href="#Page_167">167</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">country house, <a href="#Page_159">159</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dancing party, <a href="#Page_138">138</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">reception, <a href="#Page_138">138</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">wedding, <a href="#Page_195">195</a>, <a href="#Page_196">196</a>, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240"></a><a href="images/240.png">[240]</a></span>Guests, tardiness of, <a href="#Page_155">155</a><br />
+<br />
+Handshaking, <a href="#Page_80">80</a>, <a href="#Page_82">82</a>, <a href="#Page_86">86</a>, <a href="#Page_87">87</a><br />
+Handwriting, <a href="#Page_58">58</a><br />
+Haughtiness, <a href="#Page_11">11</a><br />
+Home, founding the, <a href="#Page_20">20</a>-<a href="#Page_26">26</a><br />
+Home wedding, the, <a href="#Page_201">201</a>-<a href="#Page_203">203</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">invitations, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></span><br />
+Horseback riding, <a href="#Page_128">128</a>, <a href="#Page_129">129</a><br />
+Hospitality, <a href="#Page_145">145</a>, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>-<a href="#Page_168">168</a><br />
+Hotel etiquette, <a href="#Page_126">126</a>, <a href="#Page_127">127</a>, <a href="#Page_133">133</a>-<a href="#Page_136">136</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dining-room civility, <a href="#Page_135">135</a>-<a href="#Page_136">136</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dress in, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></span><br />
+House parties, <a href="#Page_158">158</a>, <a href="#Page_159">159</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">sports at, <a href="#Page_163">163</a></span><br />
+Household management, <a href="#Page_22">22</a><br />
+Host, duties of, <a href="#Page_137">137</a>, <a href="#Page_166">166</a>-<a href="#Page_168">168</a><br />
+Hostess, duties of, <a href="#Page_127">127</a>, <a href="#Page_137">137</a><br />
+<br />
+Illness, <a href="#Page_44">44</a>, <a href="#Page_45">45</a><br />
+Impartiality, <a href="#Page_30">30</a><br />
+Informality in entertaining, <a href="#Page_164">164</a><br />
+Ink, <a href="#Page_58">58</a><br />
+Inscriptions on cards, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>-<a href="#Page_100">100</a><br />
+Interruptions, <a href="#Page_17">17</a>, <a href="#Page_49">49</a><br />
+Introduction, letters of, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>-<a href="#Page_72">72</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">advisability of, for business, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">socially, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>, <a href="#Page_71">71</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">presentation of, <a href="#Page_72">72</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">obligations of, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></span><br />
+Introductions, <a href="#Page_84">84</a>-<a href="#Page_89">89</a>, <a href="#Page_148">148</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at chance meetings, <a href="#Page_87">87</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at a dancing party, <a href="#Page_87">87</a>, <a href="#Page_89">89</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a>, <a href="#Page_139">139</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at a dinner, <a href="#Page_89">89</a>, <a href="#Page_149">149</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">by a guest, <a href="#Page_86">86</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">by a hostess, <a href="#Page_86">86</a>, <a href="#Page_90">90</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">discrimination in, <a href="#Page_85">85</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">form of, <a href="#Page_84">84</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of a gentleman to a lady, <a href="#Page_84">84</a>, <a href="#Page_86">86</a>, <a href="#Page_88">88</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">responses to, <a href="#Page_84">84</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">responsibility for, <a href="#Page_88">88</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to one's relatives, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></span><br />
+Invitations (<i>See</i> "<a href="#engrave">Engraved Invitation, The</a>");<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">for dinner and dance, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">entertainment at club, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">formal, <a href="#Page_105">105</a>-<a href="#Page_121">121</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">informal, <a href="#Page_74">74</a>, <a href="#Page_112">112</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of widower, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>, <a href="#Page_113">113</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">bachelor, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>, <a href="#Page_113">113</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">widower with daughters, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to call, <a href="#Page_93">93</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to "Bal Poudre," 112;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dancing or other parties, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dinners, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">luncheons, <a href="#Page_108">108</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">receptions, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a>, <a href="#Page_121">121</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"showers," 182;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">visits, <a href="#Page_158">158</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">weddings, <a href="#Page_114">114</a>-<a href="#Page_117">117</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to meet a guest, <a href="#Page_120">120</a>, <a href="#Page_146">146</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to meet a son, <a href="#Page_113">113</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to mourners, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></span><br />
+Invitations, written, <a href="#Page_110">110</a>, <a href="#Page_112">112</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">acceptances of, <a href="#Page_112">112</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">replies to, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Jewelry, <a href="#Page_12">12</a><br />
+<br />
+Kant, <a href="#Page_2">2</a><br />
+<br />
+Letter writing, <a href="#Page_52">52</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">discretion in, <a href="#Page_52">52</a>, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></span><br />
+Letters:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Conclusion of, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of classic literature, <a href="#Page_53">53</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of condolence, <a href="#Page_75">75</a>, <a href="#Page_76">76</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of Introduction, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>-<a href="#Page_72">72</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of recommendation, <a href="#Page_73">73</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">opening those of others, <a href="#Page_24">24</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">opening, in company, <a href="#Page_29">29</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Salutation of, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>-<a href="#Page_68">68</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Signature of, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>-<a href="#Page_69">69</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to servants, <a href="#Page_74">74</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to strangers, <a href="#Page_74">74</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">giving orders, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></span><br />
+Letter-heads, <a href="#Page_56">56</a>, <a href="#Page_57">57</a><br />
+Lifting the hat, <a href="#Page_78">78</a>, <a href="#Page_81">81</a>, <a href="#Page_82">82</a>, <a href="#Page_83">83</a><br />
+Linen, for dinner, <a href="#Page_151">151</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">trousseau, <a href="#Page_189">189</a>, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></span><br />
+Luncheon, <a href="#Page_148">148</a>, <a href="#Page_149">149</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">menu of, <a href="#Page_148">148</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dress at, <a href="#Page_12">12</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Maid of honor, duties of, <a href="#Page_197">197</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199</a><br />
+Management of household, <a href="#Page_22">22</a><br />
+Mannerisms, <a href="#Page_17">17</a><br />
+Manners, <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+Marriage, <a href="#Page_20">20</a>, <a href="#Page_21">21</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">ceremony, <a href="#Page_197">197</a>, <a href="#Page_198">198</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">certificate, <a href="#Page_191">191</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">customs, <a href="#Page_203">203</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">license, <a href="#Page_190">190</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">obligations of, <a href="#Page_20">20</a>-<a href="#Page_26">26</a></span><br />
+Men's cards, <a href="#Page_96">96</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">club name on, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">form of, <a href="#Page_96">96</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">inscription on, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">omission of address, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">titles on, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></span><br />
+Monograms, <a href="#Page_56">56</a><br />
+Monopoly of conversation, <a href="#Page_49">49</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">in friendship, <a href="#Page_43">43</a>, <a href="#Page_44">44</a></span><br />
+Morals, <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+Mourning, dress of, <a href="#Page_227">227</a>-<a href="#Page_229">229</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Etiquette of, <a href="#Page_224">224</a>-<a href="#Page_230">230</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">periods of, <a href="#Page_227">227</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">stationery of, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></span><br />
+Music at a wedding, <a href="#Page_197">197</a>, <a href="#Page_200">200</a>, <a href="#Page_202">202</a><br />
+<br />
+Neatness, <a href="#Page_14">14</a>, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_129">129</a><br />
+Neglect of family, <a href="#Page_22">22</a>, <a href="#Page_25">25</a><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241"></a><a href="images/241.png">[241]</a></span>Nichols, Dr. T. L., <a href="#Page_9">9</a>, <a href="#Page_iv">title-page</a><br />
+Non-acknowledgment of courtesies, <a href="#Page_18">18</a><br />
+Notes, apologetic 55;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">congratulatory, <a href="#Page_76">76</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">requesting a favor, <a href="#Page_55">55</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">social, <a href="#Page_57">57</a>, <a href="#Page_58">58</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">sympathetic, <a href="#Page_75">75</a>, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Obligations of letters of introduction, <a href="#Page_72">72</a><br />
+Old English type, <a href="#Page_106">106</a>-<a href="#Page_108">108</a><br />
+Openings, formal business, <a href="#Page_165">165</a><br />
+Out-door weddings, <a href="#Page_212">212</a><br />
+<br />
+Paper for correspondence, <a href="#Page_55">55</a><br />
+Parents:<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">consideration for, <a href="#Page_217">217</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">consulting, <a href="#Page_174">174</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">duties of, <a href="#Page_169">169</a>, <a href="#Page_170">170</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">negligence of, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></span><br />
+Party invitations, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>, <a href="#Page_110">110</a>, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+Penmanship of invitations, <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+Personal Card, The, <a href="#Page_96">96</a>-<a href="#Page_105">105</a><br />
+Personality, <a href="#Page_6">6</a>-<a href="#Page_19">19</a><br />
+Picnics, <a href="#Page_163">163</a>, <a href="#Page_161">161</a><br />
+Place cards, <a href="#Page_151">151</a>, <a href="#Page_152">152</a><br />
+Plates, service of, <a href="#Page_153">153</a><br />
+Position, <a href="#Page_10">10</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at table, <a href="#Page_33">33</a></span><br />
+Posture, <a href="#Page_10">10</a>, <a href="#Page_28">28</a><br />
+"P. p. c." cards, <a href="#Page_99">99</a><br />
+Presentation of letters of introduction, <a href="#Page_72">72</a><br />
+Presents: birthday, <a href="#Page_41">41</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">graduation, <a href="#Page_42">42</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">to the ill, <a href="#Page_45">45</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">wedding, <a href="#Page_40">40</a>, <a href="#Page_210">210</a>-<a href="#Page_212">212</a></span><br />
+Press notices, of engagements, <a href="#Page_179">179</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">funerals, <a href="#Page_224">224</a>, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></span><br />
+Privacy, <a href="#Page_24">24</a><br />
+Professional cards, <a href="#Page_100">100</a><br />
+Proposal of marriage, <a href="#Page_174">174</a>-<a href="#Page_179">179</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">by letter, <a href="#Page_175">175</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">decision of, <a href="#Page_175">175</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">spontaneity of, <a href="#Page_176">176</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">warding off, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></span><br />
+Public Behavior in, <a href="#Page_122">122</a>-<a href="#Page_136">136</a><br />
+Public functions, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>-<a href="#Page_168">168</a><br />
+Punctuality, <a href="#Page_17">17</a>, <a href="#Page_32">32</a>, <a href="#Page_142">142</a>, <a href="#Page_149">149</a>, <a href="#Page_154">154</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at church, <a href="#Page_125">125</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at funerals, <a href="#Page_229">229</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">for children, <a href="#Page_217">217</a>, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Receiving, at an afternoon tea, <a href="#Page_147">147</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dancing party, <a href="#Page_147">147</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">d&eacute;butante party, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></span><br />
+Reception, guest at, <a href="#Page_137">137</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a><br />
+Receptions, <a href="#Page_137">137</a>, <a href="#Page_147">147</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">business openings, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">college or school, <a href="#Page_167">167</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">club, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></span><br />
+Recommendation, letters of, <a href="#Page_73">73</a><br />
+Rehearsal for wedding, <a href="#Page_191">191</a><br />
+Rejection of proposals, <a href="#Page_175">175</a><br />
+Removing hats in public places, <a href="#Page_18">18</a>, <a href="#Page_122">122</a><br />
+Replies to business letters, <a href="#Page_76">76</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">friendly letters, <a href="#Page_76">76</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">letters of introduction, <a href="#Page_72">72</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">notes of invitation, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></span><br />
+Reply requests, <a href="#Page_73">73</a><br />
+Reverence, <a href="#Page_125">125</a><br />
+Riding dress, <a href="#Page_128">128</a><br />
+"R. s. v. p.," 113<br />
+Rural festivities, <a href="#Page_164">164</a><br />
+<br />
+Sacrifices, <a href="#Page_42">42</a>, <a href="#Page_45">45</a><br />
+Salutations, <a href="#Page_28">28</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of letters, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>-<a href="#Page_68">68</a></span><br />
+Savings banks for children, <a href="#Page_220">220</a><br />
+School behavior, <a href="#Page_218">218</a>, <a href="#Page_219">219</a><br />
+Script type, <a href="#Page_106">106</a>-<a href="#Page_108">108</a><br />
+Sealing Envelopes, <a href="#Page_59">59</a><br />
+Seating guests at table, <a href="#Page_151">151</a>, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+Self-consciousness, <a href="#Page_10">10</a><br />
+Self-control, <a href="#Page_8">8</a>, <a href="#Page_31">31</a>, <a href="#Page_215">215</a><br />
+Send-off of bridal couple, <a href="#Page_207">207</a><br />
+Servants, <a href="#Page_73">73</a>, <a href="#Page_144">144</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">and children, <a href="#Page_223">223</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">in the country, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></span><br />
+Service of a dinner, <a href="#Page_152">152</a>-<a href="#Page_158">158</a><br />
+Shaded Roman type, <a href="#Page_106">106</a>-<a href="#Page_108">108</a><br />
+"Showers," Bridal, <a href="#Page_181">181</a>-<a href="#Page_183">183</a><br />
+Signatures, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>-<a href="#Page_70">70</a><br />
+Simplicity in the country, <a href="#Page_161">161</a>-<a href="#Page_164">164</a><br />
+Sincerity, <a href="#Page_7">7</a>, <a href="#Page_9">9</a><br />
+Social introductions by correspondence, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>-<a href="#Page_72">72</a><br />
+Social calls of men, <a href="#Page_92">92</a>-<a href="#Page_94">94</a><br />
+Social life of the married, <a href="#Page_24">24</a><br />
+Speech, <a href="#Page_7">7</a>, <a href="#Page_16">16</a><br />
+Speeches, after-dinner, <a href="#Page_166">166</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">at wedding breakfast, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></span><br />
+Stamping Envelopes, <a href="#Page_59">59</a><br />
+Stationery for mourning, <a href="#Page_57">57</a>, <a href="#Page_228">228</a><br />
+Stock of invitations, <a href="#Page_105">105</a>, <a href="#Page_106">106</a><br />
+Strangers, addressing, <a href="#Page_66">66</a>, <a href="#Page_67">67</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">attitude toward, <a href="#Page_122">122</a>, <a href="#Page_124">124</a>, <a href="#Page_130">130</a>-<a href="#Page_132">132</a>, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></span><br />
+Street etiquette, <a href="#Page_129">129</a>, <a href="#Page_132">132</a>, <a href="#Page_133">133</a><br />
+Sympathy cards, <a href="#Page_120">120</a><br />
+<br />
+Table etiquette, <a href="#Page_33">33</a>-<a href="#Page_40">40</a>;<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242"></a><a href="images/242.png">[242]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">for children, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></span><br />
+Third-person letters, <a href="#Page_74">74</a><br />
+Time of wedding, <a href="#Page_194">194</a><br />
+Tips, <a href="#Page_144">144</a><br />
+Titles on cards, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a><br />
+Training of servants, <a href="#Page_46">46</a><br />
+Traveling, <a href="#Page_130">130</a>, <a href="#Page_131">131</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dress, <a href="#Page_130">130</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">expense, <a href="#Page_131">131</a></span><br />
+Trousseau, <a href="#Page_187">187</a>-<a href="#Page_190">190</a><br />
+Type of invitations, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>-<a href="#Page_108">108</a><br />
+<br />
+Unselfishness, <a href="#Page_9">9</a><br />
+Use of cards, <a href="#Page_102">102</a>-<a href="#Page_106">106</a><br />
+Ushers, at wedding, duties of, <a href="#Page_195">195</a>-<a href="#Page_198">198</a>, <a href="#Page_201">201</a><br />
+<br />
+Visits, <a href="#Page_158">158</a>-<a href="#Page_165">165</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">being entertained, <a href="#Page_142">142</a>, <a href="#Page_162">162</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">dress, <a href="#Page_140">140</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">entertainment, <a href="#Page_158">158</a>, <a href="#Page_159">159</a>, <a href="#Page_163">163</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">length, <a href="#Page_158">158</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">prolonging, <a href="#Page_142">142</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Wardrobe of bride, <a href="#Page_187">187</a>-<a href="#Page_189">189</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">of bridegroom, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></span><br />
+Wedding, anniversaries, <a href="#Page_40">40</a>, <a href="#Page_41">41</a>;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">breakfast, <a href="#Page_204">204</a>-<a href="#Page_206">206</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">cake, <a href="#Page_206">206</a>, <a href="#Page_207">207</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">fee, <a href="#Page_208">208</a>-<a href="#Page_210">210</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">invitations, <a href="#Page_114">114</a>-<a href="#Page_119">119</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">journey, <a href="#Page_208">208</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">preparation for, <a href="#Page_185">185</a>-<a href="#Page_193">193</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">presents, <a href="#Page_210">210</a>-<a href="#Page_212">212</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">reception, <a href="#Page_205">205</a>, <a href="#Page_207">207</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">ring, <a href="#Page_191">191</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">suit for bridegroom, <a href="#Page_186">186</a>, <a href="#Page_187">187</a>;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">wardrobe of bride, <a href="#Page_187">187</a>-<a href="#Page_189">189</a></span><br />
+Whispering, <a href="#Page_29">29</a>, <a href="#Page_123">123</a><br />
+Withdrawal from society during mourning, <a href="#Page_224">224</a>, <a href="#Page_227">227</a>, <a href="#Page_228">228</a><br />
+Writing on cards, <a href="#Page_99">99</a><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 65%;' />
+<div class='tnote'><h3>Transcriber's Notes:</h3>
+<p>Obvious punctuation errors repaired.</p>
+<p>This text uses both out-door and outdoor. This was retained.</p>
+<p>The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Etiquette of To-day
+
+Author: Edith B. Ordway
+
+Release Date: August 27, 2007 [EBook #22417]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and Emmy
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+
+
+
+HANDBOOKS
+
+
+BY EDITH B. ORDWAY
+
+  The Handbook of Conundrums
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  The Handbook of Quotations
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  The Etiquette of To-day
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  Handbook of the Operas
+
+  New and Enlarged Edition
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.50 net
+  Full paste, grain leather            $3.00 net
+
+  Synonyms and Antonyms
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.50 net
+
+  GEORGE SULLY & COMPANY
+  NEW YORK
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+REVISED AND ENLARGED
+
+
+BY
+
+EDITH B. ORDWAY
+
+Author of "The Opera Book," etc.
+
+
+        NEW YORK
+        GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+        _Copyright, 1918_
+        BY SULLY AND KLEINTEICH
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+        _Revised Edition, Copyright, 1920_
+        BY GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
+        _All rights reserved_
+
+
+
+        PRINTED IN U. S. A.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+THE customs of social life need frequent restating and adaptation to
+new needs. They are customs because they are the best rules of conduct
+that have been garnered from the experiences of succeeding generations
+under common conditions.
+
+To know them, to catch their spirit, and to follow them in an
+intelligent way, without slavish punctiliousness but with careful
+observance, make one skillful in the art of social intercourse, and at
+home in any society.
+
+Etiquette will not take the place of character, nor of an accurate
+knowledge of human nature and the arts of practical life. Given these,
+however, it will unlock to any man or woman doors of success and
+profit and real happiness which, without it, would have remained
+forever closed.
+
+                                                           E. B. O.
+
+        "We feel 'at home' wherever we know how to conduct
+        ourselves."
+
+                                                T. L. NICHOLS
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+  CHAPTER                                                    PAGE
+
+     I. The Rewards of Etiquette                               1
+
+    II. Personality                                            6
+
+   III. Family Etiquette                                      20
+          Obligations of the Married                          20
+          General Rules of Conduct                            26
+          Table Etiquette                                     33
+          Anniversaries                                       40
+          The Giving of Presents                              41
+          Intimate Friends                                    42
+          Illness in the Home                                 44
+          Courtesy to Servants                                45
+
+    IV. Conversation and Correspondence                       48
+          The Art of Conversation                             48
+          Correspondence                                      52
+            Paper                                             55
+            Ink                                               58
+            Handwriting                                       58
+            Sealing, Stamping, and Directing of Envelopes     59
+            Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters  66
+            Letters of Introduction                           70
+            Letters of Recommendation                         73
+            Third-person Letters                              74
+            Informal Invitations and Announcements            74
+            Letters of Condolence                             75
+            Answering Letters                                 76
+
+     V. Casual Meetings and Calls                             78
+          Greetings and Recognitions                          78
+          Introductions                                       84
+          Calls                                               90
+          Social Calls of Men                                 92
+          First Calls                                         94
+
+    VI. The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation         96
+          Form of Card                                        96
+            Inscription                                       97
+            Titles                                           100
+            Use                                              102
+          The Engraved Invitation                            105
+            Dining and Party Invitations                     108
+            Wedding Invitations and Announcements            114
+            Various Announcement Cards                       119
+
+   VII. Behavior in Public                                   122
+
+  VIII. The Art of Being a Guest                             137
+
+    IX. Duties of Host and Hostess                           145
+          Breakfasts and Luncheons                           148
+          The Formal Dinner                                  149
+          Visits                                             158
+          Special Duties of the Country Hostess              161
+          Public Functions                                   165
+
+     X. Duties of the Chaperon                               169
+
+    XI. Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement                 174
+          The Proposal                                       174
+          Announcement of Engagement                         179
+          Bridal "Showers"                                   181
+          The Broken Engagement                              183
+          Preparation for a Wedding                          185
+
+   XII. The Conduct of a Wedding                             194
+          The Church Wedding                                 194
+          The Home Wedding                                   201
+          The Wedding Breakfast                              204
+          The Wedding Journey                                208
+          The Wedding Fee                                    208
+          Wedding Presents                                   210
+          The Country Wedding                                212
+
+  XIII. Etiquette for Children                               214
+
+   XIV. Etiquette of Mourning                                224
+
+    XV. Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette                  231
+          The Formal Military Wedding                        231
+          Naval and Yachting Usage                           232
+          Etiquette of the Flag                              233
+
+        INDEX                                                237
+
+
+        "THE secret of success in society is a certain
+        heartiness and sympathy. A man who is not happy in the
+        company cannot find any word in his memory that will
+        fit the occasion. All his information is a little
+        impertinent. A man who is happy there finds in every
+        turn of the conversation equally lucky occasions for
+        the introduction of that which he has to say. The
+        favorites of society, and what it calls _whole souls_,
+        are able men, and of more spirit than wit, who have no
+        uncomfortable egoism, but who exactly fill the hour
+        and the company, contented and contenting, at a
+        marriage or a funeral, a ball or a jury, a water party
+        or a shooting match."
+
+                                                  _Emerson._
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+THE REWARDS OF ETIQUETTE
+
+
+SOCIETY is a game which all men play. "Etiquette" is the name given
+the rules of the game. If you play it well, you win. If you play it
+ill, you lose. The prize is a certain sort of happiness without which
+no human being is ever quite satisfied.
+
+Because the demand for social happiness is thus fundamental in human
+nature, the game has to be played quite seriously. If played
+seriously, it is perforce successful, even when the outward signs of
+triumph are lacking. Played seriously, it becomes a worthy part of the
+great enterprise of noble living, the science of which is called
+"Ethics." Therefore the best etiquette is that which is based upon the
+fundamental principles of ethics.
+
+The etiquette, as well as the ethics, of to-day may well be summed up
+in the one maxim known as the "Golden Rule": "Do unto others as you
+would that others should do unto you." Or in the philosophic statement
+of it, given by Kant: "Act so that the maxim of thy conduct shall be
+fit to be universal law."
+
+A certain social sense is, therefore, the foundation upon which all
+concerted action rests; and this, permeating the character and winning
+conformity in the life, produces a social order which is at once the
+criterion of civilization and the source of its power.
+
+Every social code presupposes the trained personality, that is, the
+individual who is intelligent enough and controlled enough to conform
+to the rules prescribed for the good of all. It is only in the common
+good that true individual good can be found. Therefore is it so
+essential that every man regard his brother's welfare as anxiously as
+his own, and permit himself to be curbed in his extravagances, limited
+in the indulgence of even legitimate desires, in order that he may not
+defraud another, or menace the general well-being.
+
+Not only in social life, but in business, politics, and international
+relations, this principle of the common good as the ultimate goal, the
+supreme authority for conduct, holds good. To it society approaches,
+now by direct progress and now by seeming reaction, but ever with a
+higher evaluation of justice. This is shown in the fulfillment of both
+small and large obligations.
+
+Following the rules of courtesy, men give to each other that deference
+which each believes is his own due, and each receives in return
+twofold the deference that he sincerely gives. Men show, at home and
+abroad, the courtesy to women in general that they would wish shown to
+those of their family, and thereby the standard of respect for woman
+is so lifted that even the city street at night is a safe place for a
+woman to pass unaccosted, if it is necessary for her to go unattended.
+
+Rigidly do we hold ourselves to the established rules of good
+breeding, endeavoring to make of ourselves all that Nature will
+permit; and we are surprised to find that Nature's own gentlemen and
+gentlewomen gather about us, and rare souls look to us for
+companionship, as finding in us kindred spirits.
+
+No field so surely bears a like harvest as the one sown with the seeds
+of good-will and consideration for others.
+
+Etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we desire,--to make clear
+the path to the goal of high companionship with many worthy
+minds,--and enables us to get out of social intercourse the honey that
+is hidden there. Without it, as social beings, we should be as
+workmen without tools, architects without material, musicians without
+instruments.
+
+After all, however, etiquette is only a tool, and should never be
+mistaken for the finished work itself. How you carry yourself at a
+reception is not a matter of so great moment, as is the fact that you
+went, and there exchanged certain worth-while thoughts with certain
+people. It is the people, the thoughts they gave you and you gave
+them, and the practical influence on your life of those people and
+those thoughts, which are of moment.
+
+Just as, from a musicale, you must carry the music away in your soul,
+either in definite memories or in a refreshed and more joyous frame of
+mind, or it is of no avail that you attended, so from social
+intercourse it is absolutely necessary that you carry away the
+inspiration of meeting others and the thoughts that they have given
+you, and garner from those help and guidance in your life, or the most
+elaborate of toilets, the most perfect of manners, and the most
+ceremonious of customs are of little worth.
+
+The tool, however, becomes invaluable when the master desires to
+create. Therefore, if we wish to gain from social life the enjoyment
+and happiness and help which it should yield, we should become
+familiar with the practice of the best forms of etiquette, so that we
+shall have skill and aptitude in their application.
+
+The rewards of etiquette are, therefore, both spiritual and material.
+That fine poise of soul which restrains all selfish and unlovely
+tendencies, that clear insight which sees the individual as but a
+single unit in the composite of the human race, that high aspiration
+which culls only the best from the mingled elements of life,--all
+these come from a true and sincere adherence to the spirit of
+courteous observances, and each of these is its own reward.
+
+On the other hand, human hearts open only to gentle influences, and
+all that it is in the power of human beings to bestow upon one another
+comes most readily and most lavishly to those who outrage no social
+instinct. To be highly and sincerely honored socially means to be well
+loved, and that must mean to be lovable. Wealth and family position
+are matters of chance as far as the individual is concerned, but good
+breeding is a matter of personal desire and effort. It makes for power
+and influence, and often literally commands the wealth and position
+which the accident of birth has refused. It is the necessary colleague
+of intellectual ability in winning the farthest heights of success,
+and makes the plains of mediocre attainment habitable and pleasant.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+PERSONALITY
+
+
+THE social world is a world of personalities. Each individual has a
+value and importance according to the sum total of his
+characteristics, physical, mental, and moral. Other and more external
+facts enter into his social position, but in the circle of his friends
+and acquaintances, in whatever grade of society he may move, his place
+is determined by his personality. Personality alone is the final test
+of a man's worth to society.
+
+A man's worth to the business world as a doer, maker, or as any other
+executive, his worth to the state as an incorruptible official, his
+worth to his family as a devoted husband and father, his worth to
+literature or art as a thinker or maker,--these values are imprinted
+upon his personality, howbeit with almost imperceptible lines.
+
+If a man would present a pleasing personality as his claim for
+recognition in society, he must not neglect his mental attitude, his
+appearance, his manners, or his speech. They are all true expressions
+of his real self, and they, together with his deeds, are all that his
+fellow men have by which to appraise his real worth.
+
+Character is the foundation of all true courtesy, for manners are but
+minor morals, as many a writer has shown. It is not the part of a book
+on etiquette to tell how to keep out of prison, or to explain that one
+should be honorable and should do no murder. No book or person,
+however, can inculcate etiquette without showing that the roots of all
+true courtesy lie deep in the spirit of unselfish consideration for
+others. To master this spirit until it becomes one's own is the best
+fitting one can have for social achievement. Such consideration is the
+touchstone by which all social customs are tried, to see whether they
+be worthy of perpetuation or not. It is the sure test of correct
+conduct under all circumstances, and can be so utilized in case of
+doubt.
+
+A veneer of virtue long passes as currency in no society. It is
+necessary to have character in order to be respected. As etiquette is
+founded upon certain simple virtues, it is necessary, at least, to
+affect the semblance of them. To be long effective they must be
+sincere, as a little experience shows.
+
+Among the minor moral virtues which in social life are of major
+importance are those of self-control, sincerity, and unselfishness.
+
+There is no place for anger in social life. To give expression among a
+group of people to any strong feeling, no matter how justified it may
+be, is not courteous, because you may be inadvertently treading upon
+the beliefs or prejudices of some of your hearers. There are times
+when debate and the taking of sides on questions of common interest
+are in order, but that is not usually in the mixed society of men and
+women, who are supposedly dropping, for a time, the burdens of life
+for the sake of enjoyment and recreation.
+
+Self-control is necessary not only in the constant curbing of anger
+and the more violent emotions, but in pushing into the background
+one's personal desires in order that one may do one's social duty. A
+bridesmaid may have assumed the obligations of that honor, and then
+found that, for personal reasons, they were distasteful to her. She
+should not, however, permit herself to fail in one iota of her duty.
+The always-remembered disappointment of the bride, or bridegroom, if
+either bridesmaid or best man should fail, at a time when life should
+be as full of happiness as it possibly could, should more than offset
+the pain of even difficult control on the part of the chosen friend,
+in order to carry out his or her obligations satisfactorily.
+
+In thousands of minor circumstances the need of absolute self-command
+for the sake of social virtues is evident. The man and woman who can
+so control themselves, and think only of others, win warm places in
+the hearts of their friends.
+
+It is a dreary thing to be always sustaining a sham of any sort.
+Sincerity has its pleasure as well as its virtue. One should seek to
+be sincere, as perhaps no social virtue is of greater importance than
+this. The possibilities of development of character and of the
+betterment of social customs depend upon the exercise of this virtue.
+For that reason it is well to follow carefully the acknowledged rules
+of etiquette, in the hope and expectation of growing into the attitude
+of mind which will make them a natural expression of one's self.
+
+"The little observances of social life," says Dr. T. L. Nichols in his
+book on "Social Life," "are more important than many people think
+them. The outward signs or expressions of any sentiment not only
+manifest it to others, but help to keep it active in ourselves. This
+is the use of all ceremony and ritualism in religion . . . and the same
+principle governs all social ceremonies and observances."
+
+Without unselfishness and a fine consideration for others, the art of
+etiquette would be impossible. True etiquette learns no maxims to
+practise mechanically. Rather, it learns all the maxims upon which it
+may have to draw, and practises them only as the considerate heart
+sees an opportunity and desires to embrace it.
+
+Personal appearance is next to character in importance. The most
+important factors in this, with the average person, are not those that
+Nature alone is responsible for, but those that the individual himself
+is alone responsible for. Beauty is a pleasant thing, and not to be
+despised, although beauty alone is of little worth. The social
+conquests of history have not been confined to the possessors of
+beauty, and there have been many notable cases where decided plainness
+and even ugliness was the lot of one who nevertheless was a person of
+great charm.
+
+One's figure and bearing count perhaps for most, as they give the
+first and distant impression, and are, as it were, the outlines of the
+picture.
+
+Self-consciousness, for any reason and to even the slightest degree,
+is a great barrier to social intercourse and to mental freedom. It
+shows as often in a person's carriage as in his words or features. It
+should be broken down at all costs, and this can be done only by the
+person himself. It may be done, usually with comparative ease, by
+becoming and staying interested in something. Then awkwardness, and a
+defiant attitude of spirit and body, will vanish. Haughtiness is
+usually the outward sign of a great inner self-consciousness. All of
+these traits, as well as their opposites, stamp themselves upon the
+bearing of the body, and reveal there the clearest manifestations of
+character.
+
+Dress is almost as essential. By this is not meant a rigid adherence
+to fashion,--the stamp of a weak mind,--or even good taste, but an eye
+to the appropriate and fitting. First of all, dress should be
+subordinated to character, that is, it should be no more costly than
+the wearer can afford, and no more striking than modesty and good
+taste allow.
+
+Good taste in dress means plain and simple styles, but material as
+elegant, serviceable, and pleasing as one's purse permits. It means
+also a few things well chosen and kept in good order, rather than many
+things more or less untidy; that one's wardrobe will be
+harmonious,--not a cheap, shabby garment to-day, and an expensive,
+showy one to-morrow. It means also that the wardrobe throughout, not
+only the external garments, is equally well chosen and well cared for.
+
+One should not mix one's wardrobe. A coat of one suit and the skirt of
+another should not be worn together. A carriage parasol should not be
+used on a sunny promenade, nor an umbrella in a carriage, or open
+automobile.
+
+It is necessary to wear a dress appropriate to the occasion in order
+to be well dressed. No matter how excellent one's costume may be, if
+it does not suit the time and place it is absurd and incongruous. Some
+of the major rules for appropriate dress are as follows:
+
+Full evening dress demands one's most elaborate gown, made of silk,
+satin, velvet, lace, or crepe-de-chine, as costly as one's purse
+permits, with decollete effects, gained by either actual cut or the
+use of lace and chiffon. One should wear delicate shoes, white or
+light-colored gloves, and appropriate jewels, of which it is not good
+taste to have too lavish a display.
+
+As hostess at an afternoon reception or luncheon one may wear an
+elaborate gown of the richest materials, with either long sleeves and
+high neck, or elbow sleeves and slightly low neck. As guest one may
+wear a walking suit, with pretty blouse, white gloves, and decorative
+hat.
+
+The usual dress for a formal breakfast is much the same as for a
+luncheon,--a pretty afternoon street costume, with a dainty blouse,
+gloves, and "picture" hat, which is not removed. In summer, a gown of
+light material, such as organdie, muslin, or other soft goods, dainty
+and somewhat elaborate, is in good taste. Hat and gloves are
+invariably worn with this gown if the affair is ceremonious.
+
+For church wear, a quiet, rather simple street dress, which does not
+proclaim that either money or time has been spent upon it to any
+notable extent, is by far the most appropriate. The suit should be
+becoming but inconspicuous.
+
+Ball costume is conventionally gay and elaborate, the lightest of
+materials being used, especially by those who intend to take part in
+the dancing, and a dainty effect being sought. Any costly,
+rich-looking materials are used, and a wide range of fashion is
+permitted. The gown is cut short-sleeved and decollete, and the
+dancing shoes are of satin or very fine kid. Jewels are worn but
+sparingly by young women in their first season in society. The costume
+of a debutante at her first ball is usually white.
+
+At an informal dinner, any pretty gown may be worn, with special
+attention to the coiffure.
+
+Black should never be worn at a wedding. If one does not care to lay
+it aside for the time being, one should not attend.
+
+For men, the proper costume for an early morning breakfast is the
+black cutaway coat with gray trousers, and other details as for a
+formal breakfast. In summer a gray morning suit with fancy waistcoat,
+or white flannels or linen, with appropriate hat, shoes, and tie, is
+permissible.
+
+At a formal breakfast men wear frock coats, fancy waistcoats, gray
+trousers, patent-leather shoes, large ties, high hats, and gray
+gloves.
+
+Afternoon dress for formal functions between noon and evening
+consists of a double-breasted black frock coat, or a black cutaway
+coat, with either light or dark waistcoat, gray trousers,
+patent-leather shoes, light four-in-hand tie, and light gloves.
+
+Evening dress is the correct attire for all occasions after six
+o'clock. It consists of a black suit,--coat cut "swallow-tail," and
+waistcoat cut low and in the shape of a "U,"--with white lawn tie,
+patent-leather pumps, black silk stockings, white gloves, and no
+jewelry but shirt studs, cuff links, and an inconspicuous watch fob. A
+black overcoat of some stylish cut and a silk hat or crush or opera
+hat is also worn.
+
+Full evening dress is a man's costume for a formal dinner. The Tuxedo
+or short dinner coat with a black tie is intended only for dinners
+where women are not present. Although its use on other occasions is
+common, it is not correct, and ill accords with the elaborate gown
+which is usually worn at the formal dinner.
+
+One should always have the appearance of being "well-groomed." It is a
+minor matter to add to habits of personal cleanliness, which every man
+and woman of refinement adheres to with scrupulous conscientiousness,
+that attention to the little details and finishing touches of
+dressing, which give the impression conveyed in that graphic
+expression "well-groomed." The niceties of life are always matters of
+small care but great moment.
+
+The aim to be beautiful is a legitimate one, and worthy of the
+attention of every lover of beauty. To make the most of one's self,
+both for one's own sake and that of those about one, is a duty. Much
+can be done if good taste is consulted, and one's salient good points
+studied and emphasized. One can at least dress characteristically, and
+so bring out the ideals to which one gives adherence.
+
+For instance, the business woman, in business hours, dresses with that
+same effort after efficiency and economy of time and strength that she
+has to put into her business to make it successful. She is, therefore,
+besides being scrupulously neat, perfectly plainly and yet durably and
+comfortably dressed. The sudden storm does not catch her unprepared,
+for she cannot afford to lose even an hour's work next day because she
+"caught cold." She permits no fussing with her garments, therefore
+they have to be in perfect working order, as fussing takes time, and
+time is money. Her hair is done neatly, and as becomingly as possible,
+but securely for the day.
+
+If, on the other hand, the business woman be a milliner, whose own
+artistic personality must be her best advertisement, she takes pains
+to dress artistically even though she wear less serviceable and more
+elaborate costumes. She should, however, give the same impression of
+neatness and businesslike serviceableness, with the additional
+artistic impression which is going to show her customer that she knows
+how to bring out the telling points in her own personality, and create
+a charming effect.
+
+The housewife needs, in her choice of morning garments, the same
+effectiveness as the business woman, for she must also work with real
+efficiency; but, in addition, she needs to give the impression of
+homelike abandon, as well as beauty and grace, which shall appear
+restful.
+
+The art of correct speech and intelligent conversation is one which
+every one who wishes to hold an envied place in society should
+possess. There is no more attractive accomplishment. Others have only
+a limited use and give only an occasional pleasure, while good
+conversation is appropriate to almost any occasion, and amuses and
+entertains when all other interests have palled.
+
+If one does not undertake to cultivate the art of conversation, one
+should at least be correct in speech. One should not permit slovenly
+expressions, or slang, or the thousand and one faults of
+mispronunciation and ungrammatical construction into which people
+fall, to be characteristic of one's speaking. For if one has time to
+go into society, one should have time and money enough to make one's
+self presentable mentally as well as physically, and nothing so
+clearly shows lack of intelligence and appreciation of the matters of
+the intellect, as carelessness and neglect of the words one uses and
+the thoughts one utters. No physical defect is more glaring than the
+mental defect revealed in every sentence of such a person.
+
+Mannerisms of speech or act are glaring flaws in the personality which
+would delight to charm, and successfully preclude the possibility of
+popularity among refined people. Many a man and woman of character
+have been barred from the pleasurable enjoyment of society, even by
+people of less character though of more surface refinement than
+themselves, because they lacked the intelligence and the good sense to
+abolish certain mannerisms of act or expression, which, though they
+may have had normal and logical causes, were not such as society could
+enjoy or approve, and would not tend to anything but harm if
+characteristic of many people.
+
+Certain rather glaring faults are quite conspicuous among all classes
+of women, for reasons which are hard to determine, but which must be
+general as the faults are so prevalent. Women, as a rule, do not
+respect an appointment and keep it punctually, interrupt conversation
+repeatedly and ruthlessly, keep visitors waiting by needless delays,
+and do not seem to notice or regret the sacrifice that some courtesy
+to them may have caused another.
+
+The arraignment of women for these faults is indeed serious, for
+social misdemeanors could not easily be much worse. It means that the
+deep heart-feeling of courtesy is quite lacking from certain classes
+of women,--classes not to be marked off distinctly from any grade of
+wealth or learning. If the ladies of a fashionable and progressive
+intellectual club will not, after two or three years of repeated
+requests, make it a habit, one and all, to remove their hats during a
+dinner and the subsequent speeches in a crowded and level-floored club
+dining-room, it is useless to look for any finer courtesy among the
+"cultured" than among the work-worn "laboring" classes.
+
+As a rule the women least at fault in these matters are the business
+women, a fact which would seem to prove that lack of business and
+professional training was in part responsible for the general apathy
+and indifference toward these matters of ordinary courtesy.
+
+Courtesy, like honesty, is the best policy in all our dealings with
+our fellow men. Therefore, we cannot afford to neglect to exercise it.
+
+Politeness and interest in others alike lead one to make those
+inquiries concerning friends and their families which show real
+concern in their welfare, and which are exceedingly gratifying to
+all. Often this kindly trait alone gives one a reputation for charm,
+although it has its disadvantages, to be sure, in its demands upon
+one's sympathy and patience.
+
+We each know that we are worth while. We should, therefore, treat
+others on that assumption, and thereby make them rise to their
+potential worth. The good that a person, who thus calls out the good
+within people, may do is limited only by his acquaintance.
+
+Personality is, after all, one's greatest asset in life. No thought or
+effort should be spared in making it pleasing and inspiring,--a fit
+expression of one's character and ideals, and a worthy gift to the
+world.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+FAMILY ETIQUETTE
+
+
+THE permanence of a courteous manner is the test of its sincerity. If
+one is polite invariably everywhere but at home, one's politeness is
+as superficial as a disguise, and as easily penetrated by the
+discerning.
+
+Unselfish consideration for others meets its sternest discipline in
+the home and in family relations, and becomes, under that discipline,
+a reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every emergency.
+
+Without manners at home, it is impossible to preserve the real
+nobility and unselfishness of character which make a man or a woman
+socially desirable.
+
+
+_Obligations of the Married_
+
+The marriage relation, while based upon certain fundamental
+principles, and not to be preserved without adherence to them, has
+some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness.
+
+The solemnization of marriage is a sacred ceremony and should be
+observed in a reverent spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for
+the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetuate that same spirit
+on the anniversaries of the day, will do much toward making it a holy
+and a happy union.
+
+Every marriage should be at least a perfect friendship; so a married
+couple should observe with each other the same little courtesies that
+they would observe if still only friends, being as deferential in
+greeting one another in public, as careful of each other's feelings,
+and as observant of each other's preferences.
+
+A woman should remember to accept from her husband, as her due and
+without surprise or awkwardness, the little attentions which she
+expects and receives in society. A man, also, should expect, and not
+be disappointed in receiving, the graceful little appreciations and
+courtesies which the woman of charm extends to the man of achievement
+in her social circle. The difference between the appreciations of
+society and those of the family is mainly that, in society, only the
+men of mark receive them, while, in the home, every man should receive
+his due; for there his efforts are known, even though they are not
+signal enough for society to recognize.
+
+As equality is the only basis upon which the authority of the home
+can happily rest, so a complete union of interests is the only basis
+for the successful financing of a home.
+
+While all the virtues of good management of her household, economy in
+the expenditure of money, taste in dressing herself and her children,
+and promptness and charm in fulfilling her social duties are expected
+of a wife, and should be fulfilled to the best of her ability, there
+are some minor things which make for happiness which should not be
+neglected.
+
+The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the
+charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily
+household quality rather than for use only on state occasions.
+
+The wife should confide in her husband on every matter of importance.
+She should not trouble him with trivial things, but, if a matter is of
+concern to her, she should not fail to let him know about it, and get
+his advice upon it. The cement of love is mutual confidence.
+
+If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, to be his companion,
+and to do her full duty by him, by her children, and by her home, she
+cannot fail, under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of
+winning happiness and making her husband happy. It is in the lack of
+desire to understand and love that the real menace to the happiness of
+the home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful people approach
+nearest the ideal of love.
+
+It is taken for granted that the husband will perform the major duties
+of his relation, such as being a good citizen, a good business man,
+and hence a good provider for his family, and that he will in all
+things seek the mutual happiness of his family and himself.
+
+He must be considerate to his wife if he would keep her love and
+respect. He should confide his business to her as far as she, in her
+inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should teach her the things
+about it which it is important for her to know. Through his
+conversation alone she can get the rudiments of a good business
+training, and she will at least be able to comprehend the changes he
+may make or the difficulties in which he may find himself, and, seeing
+their cause, thus be able to sympathize, and not to blame, if reverses
+come. He should so train her in business ways and methods that, in
+case of his death or disability, she could attend to the business of
+his estate, even though she could not, or need not, earn money for the
+family.
+
+The work of adjusting the labors of each to those of the other, so
+that there shall be time for recreation and social life together,
+should be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be dropped until
+solved to mutual satisfaction. If the members of the family cannot
+move in the same social circle, and together, a serious breach of
+family happiness is threatened.
+
+There is no marriage license which gives the right to constant harping
+upon one another's faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule
+of friendship should prevail.
+
+A husband should not open his wife's letters, nor should a wife her
+husband's.
+
+All invitations are sent to a husband and wife jointly, except those
+for such occasions as a stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to
+which ladies only are invited. If for any reason either the husband or
+the wife cannot attend a function, the other also must decline. The
+exceptions to this rule are those cases where a man or a woman of
+particular talent moves in a circle the interests of which are not
+especially enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or where the
+health of the one precludes the possibility of attendance upon affairs
+of which the other should not be deprived. Too long or too frequent
+use of the excuses which cover these exceptions, reflects seriously
+upon the marital happiness of the pair.
+
+Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not
+paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman
+out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man. Even at dances
+and balls it is not good form for them to dance together too
+frequently, except at public dances where they are two of a private
+party of four or six, in which case rotation of partners would bring
+them together more frequently than if a larger number of their
+personal friends were present.
+
+In America a wife never shares her husband's titles.
+
+Consultation and advice together on everything which concerns either
+is one of the privileges as well as the duties of marriage.
+
+To reproach for errors which were made with good motives and the best
+of judgment available at the time is always unjust.
+
+Always to greet and to part from each other with affection is the
+source of much happiness.
+
+Neither parent should be overambitious. Their personalities make the
+home, and if they are overworked and crowded with care, the home is
+not happy.
+
+The mother should always remember that home comes first, and should
+not absent herself from it save at those times and for that length of
+time when she is really not needed there.
+
+Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but
+each other, nor discuss each other with any other person.
+
+Companionship means the willingness to let one's own mood be dominated
+by another. Therefore, if they would be companionable, a husband and
+wife should meet each other's moods halfway. For what is lost
+personally now and then, far more of greater mutual value is obtained;
+and it is largely by a habit of companionableness that the happiness
+of the home can be made so satisfying that there can arise no question
+of its permanence.
+
+To keep one's self up to one's best standard of speech and conduct is
+necessary, for only thus can the family standard be kept high.
+
+An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins the comfort of all.
+Companionship and mutual authority and helpfulness are the only
+foundations for a happy home.
+
+
+_General Rules of Conduct_
+
+Seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you
+would be the same. Move in that society in whose ways you are versed
+and whose rules you practice, if you would be appreciated or met with
+like courtesy.
+
+Never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet. The
+kindness, however, must be genuine, and come from the heart, never in
+stereotyped and hollow phrases.
+
+The courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness
+in receiving them. Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower
+than did the person who showed the courtesy. Attentions should be
+warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort
+which does not forget.
+
+A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect
+that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them
+first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. She should not,
+however, let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an
+elderly relative.
+
+Enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a
+slight bow to the general company. "We all do stamp our value on
+ourselves" is true enough, and our private stamp is never more
+conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people. If we show
+modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is no one who
+will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was.
+
+The head should be well up, the body squarely erect, the chest out.
+Self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows
+the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to
+conceal. One should train one's self until the meeting of people, no
+matter who they may be, whether singly or in large numbers, is a
+matter of no particular concern as to deportment.
+
+Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close a door after you,
+without slamming.
+
+Never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return.
+
+Dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the
+company you are with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, nor
+with legs spread out, nor a lady with her legs crossed. Never put out
+your foot, in the street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may
+trouble others in passing by.
+
+When several people enter a room in a private house where you are
+sitting, always rise, especially if they are older than you. When an
+elderly person enters the room alone, it is always a graceful show of
+deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he
+is seated.
+
+The greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's
+household, and should not be omitted. The one who enters a room where
+others are assembled gives the salutation first.
+
+"Good morning" is the appropriate greeting till noon. "Good afternoon"
+and "Good evening" are the greetings for the later hours of the day.
+"Good-by" is, however, the common and most acceptable form of
+farewell. After an evening's entertainment, it is permissible also to
+say "Good night" instead. "Good day," "Good afternoon," and "Good
+evening," used in farewell, are provincial.
+
+"I beg pardon," spoken with an inquiring inflection, is much better
+than simply "What?" when you do not hear what is said. The abruptness
+of the latter savors of rudeness.
+
+Whispering is not permissible in company, and it is not necessary in
+private. Therefore, whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room
+or in church, where the whisper is far more penetrating than a low,
+distinct tone.
+
+The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate, for you attract the
+attention of two floors of people, as well as publish your message. To
+carry on a conversation over the banisters is also equally bad. Even a
+word of inquiry should usually be spoken at short distance in a hall
+which leads to several rooms, and where many people may hear or be
+disturbed by the noise. Such calling should never be permitted to
+servants or children, for once begun its convenience will demand its
+continuance.
+
+Interrupting another's conversation is a serious breach of courtesy.
+
+Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of home life, no matter how
+glaring the faults which may be criticised. Faults have to be
+remedied, but every effort should be made to do it skillfully, and
+not make the remedy worse than the disease.
+
+Do not open your letters in company, except in case of emergency, and
+in the latter, ask the permission of the company to do so. Never,
+under any circumstances, open a private letter addressed to another.
+If the one to whom it is addressed is near enough to give you
+permission to open it, he can usually open it himself; if he is not by
+to give permission, the letter should go to his legal representative,
+who then acts according to the law.
+
+Politeness as well as pity impel one to be especially polite to the
+caller or visitor who is uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By
+even an excess of hospitality one should try to make up for the
+inevitable slight which society always puts upon such a one.
+
+Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests. The close friend and
+the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal
+courtesy.
+
+The holding of a grudge, and the failing to forgive a slight for which
+apology has been made, are the height of discourtesy. It is invariably
+true that the same spirit with which you mete out social slights will
+be shown you in return. Resent each one, whether intentional or a mere
+oversight, and you will surely crush the spontaneity out of all
+attentions shown you, and be met only with distrust.
+
+When applied to for a favor, if you intend to grant it, grant it
+graciously and readily; if you intend to refuse, refuse with equal
+civility even though firmly. None but the unmannerly will urge a
+request when the slightest token of refusal has been given.
+
+A gentleman may offer personal service to a lady, if there is need,
+tying her shoe, or hooking or buttoning her dress, or doing any other
+little act which she cannot herself do.
+
+In a company of people, it is the height of rudeness to call attention
+to the form or features or dress of any one present.
+
+In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively. At the dining
+table it should be used very sparingly. Better retire than be
+obnoxious to even the most fastidious.
+
+Never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing,
+whether in the home, of in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else.
+
+Do not touch any one in order to arrest his attention, but address
+him.
+
+To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to
+stealing, unless one has permission of the owner to do so.
+
+Self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait. It
+always makes for comfort of one's self and of others, and often for
+safety.
+
+Do not pass between two persons who are talking together, if
+avoidable. If it is not, then apologize.
+
+Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy requires, no matter how
+unforgivable the offense, that an apology should be accepted.
+Friendship may not be restored, but friendly courtesy should always
+thereafter be maintained.
+
+Never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you.
+Forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend.
+
+Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every
+engagement.
+
+To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your
+own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very
+distasteful to others, who also have achieved.
+
+One's social obligations should never be neglected unless one is
+determined to drop out from one's place entirely. To acknowledge one
+invitation and not another is surely to be discredited with all.
+
+Never question a child or a servant upon family matters.
+
+Fulfill your promises,--or do not promise.
+
+Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as
+though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the
+burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous
+in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well
+to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but
+always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at
+them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This
+latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in
+case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within
+the range of their vision before speaking to them.
+
+
+_Table Etiquette_
+
+A man should not seat himself at the dinner table until his wife or
+his hostess is seated. This rule holds good in the home, for if it is
+not practised there, it will not be observed gracefully in society.
+
+Seat yourself not too close to nor too far from the table.
+
+Erect position at table is the first requisite. One should so place
+one's seat that correct position is possible, and then should keep it.
+
+Elbows should never be placed upon the table.
+
+The hands should be kept quietly in the lap while not busy with the
+food. One should sit quietly at the table, without handling the
+cutlery or making useless motions, while waiting to be served. If
+there is some form of grace said, or some simple ceremony preliminary
+to the meal, one should pay respectful attention silently.
+
+Do not seem impatient to be served. The meal is a social occasion and
+the food is an adjunct to friendly intercourse. The success of the
+meal depends equally perhaps upon the food and the conversation.
+Because of the interruptions of service, conversation cannot be long
+continued, or deeply thoughtful. It must be on subjects of no great
+moment nor grave interest, or on such subjects lightly touched; but it
+should be on bright, cheerful topics, and as witty as the talent of
+the company affords.
+
+Eating should be slow, and mastication of the food thorough, for
+reasons of health as well as for the sake of appearance. No meal can
+be eaten properly and adequately in less than thirty minutes, but more
+than an hour for a meal is sheer waste of both time and food, unless
+the company is large, the times of waiting between courses long, and
+the portions served very small.
+
+Eat silently. The noise of food being masticated is very distressing,
+and except in cases of crusts and crisp vegetables, perfectly
+unnecessary.
+
+The napkin is unfolded and spread over the lap. One is supposed to be
+skillful enough in raising food to the lips not to need the napkin in
+front of the dress or coat to prevent injury.
+
+In case you do not care for a course, you should not refuse it.
+Receive it, and take what part of it you desire, trying to take some;
+or, if you wish, leave it untouched, but do not have the appearance of
+being neglected or ill-provided for, even if you do not eat of it. A
+little more attention to conversation on your part may make
+unnoticeable to those about you the fact that you do not eat of a
+certain course.
+
+If your preference is consulted as to food, whether the matter be
+trivial to you or not, express some preference so that the one who is
+serving, and who has asked to be guided, may be so far assisted.
+
+Never place food or waste matter upon the tablecloth. An exception to
+this may be made in regard to hard breads and celery, when individual
+dishes for these are not furnished. Always use the side of some one of
+the dishes about you for chips and scraps.
+
+The fork is used in general except with semi-liquid sauces, where a
+spoon is of necessity used. It is not permissible to eat peas with a
+spoon.
+
+The mouth should be closed while it contains food. It should not be
+too full, as it is often necessary to reply to some question when
+there is food in the mouth.
+
+Do not leave the table until you have quite ceased chewing.
+
+Be dainty and skillful in using your napkin and cutlery, avoiding
+soiling the tablecloth.
+
+Discussions and unpleasant topics of conversation should never be
+introduced. One should regard not only one's own aversions but those
+of the others present.
+
+Never put your finger in your mouth at table, nor pick your teeth.
+
+Tidiness of personal appearance is never at a higher premium than at
+the dining table. Soiled hands, negligee dress, shirt sleeves, and
+disheveled hair are disgusting there.
+
+It is quite proper to take the last helping of any dish which may be
+passed you. To refrain looks as if you doubted the supply.
+
+Bread is not cut, but broken into fairly small pieces. One should
+never nibble from a large piece.
+
+It is permissible to eat crackers, olives, celery, radishes, salted
+nuts, crystallized fruits, corn on the cob, bonbons, and most raw
+fruits from the fingers. Apples, pears, and peaches are quartered,
+peeled, and then cut into small pieces. Cherries, plums, and grapes
+are eaten one by one, the stones being removed with the fingers and
+laid upon the plate.
+
+Cheese may be laid in small pieces on bread or crackers, and conveyed
+to the mouth in that way.
+
+Asparagus should be eaten with the fork, the part which is not readily
+broken off by it being left.
+
+At a formal meal a second helping of a dish is never offered, and
+should never be asked for; but at an informal dinner party it is not
+out of place to accept a second helping, if one is offered, but is
+complimentary to the hostess, who is responsible for the cook.
+
+In passing the plate for a second helping, the knife and fork should
+be laid across it full length,--not held in the hand until the plate
+returns.
+
+One may ask the waiter for a second or third glass of water, as even
+at a formal dinner that is always permissible.
+
+Lettuce, cress, and chicory are never cut with a knife, but rolled up
+on the fork and so conveyed to the mouth.
+
+Never leave the spoon in any cup while drinking from it. Liquid
+bouillon,--not jellied,--should be drunk from the bouillon cup.
+
+Spoons are used for grape fruit and oranges, when cut in halves and
+put upon a plate, for soft-boiled eggs, puddings, custards, and
+gelatins.
+
+With fruit, finger-bowls should always be passed. A bowl half-full of
+water is placed upon a plate covered with a doily. Unless the fruit is
+passed upon a second plate, the bowl and doily are removed from this
+and set at one side, the fruit being eaten from this plate. The
+fingers are then dipped, one hand at a time, into the water, and wiped
+upon the napkin.
+
+Salt should never be put upon the tablecloth, but always on the side
+of the plate, unless the individual salts are provided.
+
+Never spit out a prune, peach, or cherry stone.
+
+Never hold food on the fork while you are talking, ready as soon as
+you reach a period to be put into your mouth. Having once picked it
+up, eat it promptly.
+
+A bit of bread, but nothing else, may be used, if necessary, to help
+one put food upon the fork.
+
+If one tastes of something which one does not care to swallow, it may
+be removed from the mouth with the closed left hand and placed on the
+plate. This should be done silently and with as little attention as
+possible.
+
+Never take a chicken or chop bone in the fingers. Cut the meat from
+the bone, leaving all that does not readily separate.
+
+Bread and butter plates, with the butter spreader, are always used,
+except at formal dinners, when the dinner-roll is laid in the fold of
+the napkin.
+
+The knife is used only for cutting, and for spreading butter on bread
+in the absence of butter spreaders.
+
+Almost all foods are eaten with the fork, which should always be used
+in the right hand with the tines up. It may be held in the left hand,
+tines down, when one is cutting, the knife being in the right hand.
+
+The soup spoon is an almost circular and quite deep spoon. Therefore
+it is obvious that the soup should be noiselessly sipped from the
+side of it. When the oval dessert spoon is used for soup, it is
+especially necessary to sip the liquid from the side.
+
+Special spoon-shaped forks are provided for salads, ices, and creams,
+but for these spoons may always be substituted.
+
+No hot drink should be poured from the cup into the saucer to cool it.
+
+Toothpicks should not be passed at the table. They may be left on the
+sideboard, and if one is needed, it may be requested of the waiter or
+taken as you leave the room, but always used in private.
+
+Wherein elderly people do differently from the established ways of
+to-day, they are not to be criticised. Manners change even several
+times within a generation, and such may be simply following the
+customs they were taught. When the three-tined fork was the only one
+in common use, the blade of the knife was much more in requisition
+than now.
+
+On leaving the table the dishes of the last course should be left
+exactly as used, and the napkin left unfolded by the side of the
+plate. In case one is at home, or visiting a friend, and the napkins
+usually serve for two or three meals, then neatly fold it. Many
+families have clean napkins once a day, that is, at dinner.
+
+The chair should either be pushed quite back from the table, or close
+to it, so that others may easily pass by.
+
+If obliged to leave the table in the midst of a meal, one should
+address the hostess, saying, "Please excuse me," as he rises.
+
+
+_Anniversaries_
+
+The observance of family festivals is a great bond of union when there
+are different ages and temperaments and interests represented in the
+family circle. In the home holidays, all meet on a common ground, and
+get once more into touch with each other. Yet the observance of such
+festivals should never be more elaborate than the purse will justify,
+nor should it be allowed to become a burden upon any one, even the
+most willing. The festive spirit is lost if it becomes obligatory.
+
+The observance of wedding anniversaries is usually an honored custom
+in the case of happy marriages, where children grow up who take
+delight in making much of the days which are sacred to their parents.
+Where this observance is not a matter of form or done with any
+ulterior motive, but is spontaneous and joyous, it adds much to the
+family happiness and strengthens the bonds, not only between parents
+but between parents and children.
+
+It is customary to make gifts of the sort signified in the name of
+the anniversary, and much ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out
+the idea. The anniversaries are named as follows:
+
+At the end of the first year comes a cotton wedding; at the end of the
+second, a paper wedding; the third, a linen wedding; the fifth, a
+wooden; the tenth, a tin wedding; the fifteenth, a crystal; the
+twentieth, linen; the twenty-fifth, silver; the thirtieth, pearl;
+fortieth, ruby; fiftieth, a golden wedding; and the sixtieth, a
+diamond wedding.
+
+These anniversaries may be added to, as by celebrating a leather
+wedding the third year, instead of two of linen; a woolen one the
+seventh; and a china one the twelfth.
+
+A birthday anniversary is a momentous event in the life of a child.
+Disregard of it is a heart-breaking slight. The celebrations of these
+events, even in families where they are numerous and resources few,
+can be made joyous if there is love enough to do it, even without
+money.
+
+
+_The Giving of Presents_
+
+The members of a family who have each other's welfare at heart, often
+have the impulse to give each other something which they may know is
+needed or wanted. While this impulse should be cultivated even with
+the most limited means, and the sense of generosity preserved even
+among the poorest,--where, to be frank, it is more apt to be found
+than among the rich,--there should be no counting upon such presents,
+nor obligation to make them imposed. This destroys their value as
+expressions of affection, and makes the custom harmful. For that
+reason it is not well to adhere to times and seasons, but at any time
+when the right opportunity offers and the impulse moves, give the gift
+that one desires to give.
+
+Where such an impulse is characteristic of a family, the members will
+naturally take pride in expressing in that way their appreciation of
+individual achievement, as when a member graduates from a high school
+or college, or attains his majority, or makes some special advance in
+any way. The spirit which welcomes achievement and recognizes it,
+becomes an incentive, perhaps the strongest there is, and surely the
+most noble, that of satisfying and pleasing a loved one. Life holds
+too much of defeat for the average person, for its minor victories to
+be passed over in silence and indifference.
+
+
+_Intimate Friends_
+
+One's attitude toward intimate friends is either a pleasant memory or
+a sad revelation. If one holds them a little lower than one's family,
+and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort
+habitually given to those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes a
+privilege, no matter what the circumstances, and a lifelong
+gratification and pleasure. If, however, one considers that intimate
+friends are entitled to less courtesy than the public, and are to be
+made to serve one's purpose more effectually than mere acquaintances
+do, then the burden of friendship is great, and soon dropped.
+Affection is not mercenary.
+
+One word in regard to the single monopolizing friendship. Many a
+marriage has been wrecked, and many a mother's friendship turned away,
+because some one friend, of about one's own age and tastes, of
+pronounced influence and exorbitant demands, has usurped, at first
+perhaps unconsciously but ever surely, the place in one's life, and at
+last in one's heart, that some member of the family should have taken.
+
+Some people seem naturally predisposed to this sort of friendship, and
+as soon as the intellectual zest is gone from absorbing companionship
+with one person, they turn to another. One such instance showed
+through twenty years a series of such friendships on the part of a
+well-meaning but foolish woman, in which her husband figured briefly,
+passing on and off the stage as violently as, and even more speedily
+than, the other "friends."
+
+Too great familiarity with new acquaintances is impolite as well as
+unwise. It cannot fail of seeming forced, and even if the friendship
+is to be close and permanent, a hastily-laid foundation is never the
+most secure.
+
+One should never call a friend by his Christian name until he requests
+one to do so.
+
+
+_Illness in the Home_
+
+Illness means that the order of the home life must be seriously
+disturbed. Consideration for the one who is ill, and effort to
+alleviate the suffering, should take the place of every other thought
+and ambition. It is necessary, of course, that the routine of living
+should be sufficiently preserved for the health of the others not to
+be affected, but matters of comfort and well-being for all take
+precedence of everything else.
+
+The well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill, such
+as being quiet about the house; never complaining at late or simple
+meals; setting aside personal plans and comfort in order to assist, if
+needed, in the care of the ill; looking out for the relief and comfort
+of the nurse, upon whom the major part of the responsibility rests;
+never grudging time or money in the effort to restore health; and,
+above all, making these sacrifices in the spirit of love and not in
+that of martyrdom. Many people, who make even unreasonable sacrifices
+for others in times of emergency, do it so ungraciously, that one does
+not feel that they are entitled to the thanks which they still
+actually deserve and should receive.
+
+Courtesy demands that the claims of the nurse and doctor be settled
+promptly and generously. They were prompt in meeting the emergency.
+There should be no delay in acknowledging the obligation to them, even
+though their promptness is looked upon, by them and by society, as
+part of their professional duty.
+
+The convalescent takes such abnormally keen delight in being
+remembered, that it is obligatory upon the rest of his family and his
+friends not to forget him. Kindly messages should be frequent.
+Trifling gifts frequently are better than large gifts occasionally,
+unless the large gift is something greatly desired.
+
+One should never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room
+to an invalid, an elderly person, or a lady.
+
+
+_Courtesy to Servants_
+
+It is safe to predict that, if the acumen of the business man, and the
+courtesy of the social leader and woman of true refinement were
+brought to bear upon the servant problem, that would soon assume a
+different aspect.
+
+If the consideration that would be shown an ailing guest were shown an
+ailing servant, service would be more generously and more faithfully
+rendered.
+
+The waitress at the table is entitled to courtesy, but not to
+apologetic efforts to diminish her task. Appreciation may be shown in
+a "Thank you," or, "If you please," but such notice of her should be
+unobtrusively spoken, so as not to interfere with the general
+conversation about the table.
+
+The servant has every human right to civility, and the withholding of
+wages is no more culpable, if more illegal, than is the withholding of
+civil treatment, and the infliction of the indignity of impatience and
+harsh and unmerited reproof.
+
+All servants need careful training.
+
+Neatness is the first requisite. The lack of it most seriously
+reflects upon the management of the household.
+
+Servants should be trained to answer the door-bell promptly, reply
+civilly to questions, and in all things represent their master and
+mistress in a dignified and courteous way. They should not admit one
+person who calls socially, and deny another, unless under special and
+exceptional orders. They should not fail to deliver promptly all
+notes, messages, and cards which may be received. Verbal messages
+should be received and given with accuracy.
+
+The direct neglect of orders is unpardonable in an intelligent servant
+who has been well trained, and will not occur, even in the absence of
+the mistress, if the training has been explicit and complete and the
+servant is honorable,--as he should be in order to retain any
+position. A certain degree of initiative, too, should be cultivated in
+a servant who is given responsibility, so that he may meet an
+emergency with resourcefulness, in the absence of orders or specific
+instructions.
+
+The servant needs to respect his master and mistress. The firm,
+strong, honest, and just control is respected by servants, and is much
+preferred to the irresolute one, even when the latter overflows
+frequently in lax kindness. Each man needs to be made to do his duty,
+and the power that forces him to do it should be gracious but must be
+firm.
+
+To be familiar with servants is a fatal mistake, and eventually upsets
+and destroys all discipline.
+
+Servants should never be reproved in the presence of guests, or
+members of the family, or other servants, but should be talked with
+singly, and considerately, but plainly.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+CONVERSATION AND CORRESPONDENCE
+
+
+_The Art of Conversation_
+
+CONVERSATION is a game we all play, but most of us with ill success.
+We do not take pains to learn the rules, and we do not consider the
+honor of winning sufficiently great. It is, however, an accomplishment
+that all who will may possess, that consumes a great deal of the time
+of all of us, and that yields great pleasure and profit if skillfully
+used.
+
+The subject of conversation should be pertinent, and of interest to
+all, or at least the majority, of those in the group of talkers. The
+treasures of experience and of knowledge should be grouped about the
+topic, and every one who contributes should take care to proffer
+nothing that the conversation has not logically called forth. Then the
+pleasure and the success of the time thus spent is measured only by
+the wit and mental resources of the talkers.
+
+News which has a universal interest is always a legitimate subject of
+discussion. Personal news which has only the interest of gossip or
+scandal is never permitted among cultured people, no more than are
+physiological facts or the records of criminology. It is a safe rule
+to speak of things rather than of persons.
+
+The brilliant conversationalist never monopolizes the talk, as such a
+method would prevent his most telling points or his keenest wit from
+having dramatic expression. If he tells an anecdote which holds the
+attention of the table or of the circle of listeners, he permits his
+duller neighbor to tell the next, not only that his own wit may have a
+foil, but that his next anecdote may meet the sharp edge of whetted
+appetites.
+
+If dining out or being entertained, do not play the host or hostess by
+leading the conversation, even though your talent in that direction be
+far superior to theirs. You thereby do them an injustice which is
+exceedingly discourteous on the part of one who has accepted of
+hospitality.
+
+Never interrupt. It kills the expression of any thought to interrupt
+the speaker, and every person, no matter how badly he may express
+himself, has a right to the effort and to what he can win of the
+hearer's attention.
+
+To supply a word which seems to fail the speaker is perhaps a friendly
+service, if he be a foreigner, but should never be tendered to a
+countryman, nor often to even the most grateful wrestler with the
+English language. It confuses any one, and the only polite way is to
+wait quietly until the speaker collects himself and finds his words.
+
+Do not contend any point. Among intelligent people questions may be
+pleasantly and earnestly debated, arguments weighed and tested, and
+yet the conversation be absolutely courteous, although conviction be
+deep on both sides. The impossibility, among untrained people, of
+debate without great emotion is what retards the progress of the
+intellectual life in many circles.
+
+One should never answer questions in general company that have been
+put to another.
+
+One should not note the points of discrepancy in the remarks of
+another, or the points of divergence in opinion. In society the
+subjects of conversation are subordinated to the human interest of the
+gathering, and points of harmony and agreement should be emphasized,
+leaving all others unnoted. One does not need to conceal his opinions,
+but he should not arrogantly or dogmatically publish them. Not
+opinions but individuals are of greater interest at that time, and the
+battle of ideas should be fought in another arena.
+
+This is the only safe rule to follow in mixed companies, or with
+people imperfectly trained socially. With highly intelligent people
+of congenial tastes, people who have ideas and convictions of great
+worth, and who are controlled enough to express them without undue or
+foolish emotion, the battle of ideas is fought most effectively and
+most to the benefit of society, in the drawing-room of that host and
+hostess whose own talents make them able to draw talent about them.
+
+Here all the rules of polite society may be observed, and yet the
+inner convictions, whether political, religious, or moral, of the
+circle, may find welcome expression and fair hearing. The growth of
+ideas and the progress of ideals in such a society is rapid and along
+the right lines.
+
+Never try to have the last word, but always refrain from saying it.
+
+Do not enter into tete-a-tete conversation in the presence of others,
+or refer to any topic of conversation which is not of common interest
+and commonly known. Mysterious allusions or assumed understandings
+with one or two members of a group are insults to the others.
+
+Inquiries into private affairs should never be made, but those on the
+subjects of age and income are especially obnoxious, and merit for the
+inquirer the cool silence which they usually obtain.
+
+The loud-voiced, aggressive person, whose opinions are alone of vital
+moment in his estimation, and who will not yield a point in an
+argument, is much to be dreaded in any company, and effectually brings
+to an end any general conversation into which he intrudes.
+
+When addressing people face to face, it is necessary to give them
+their social or professional titles, if the latter be such as have
+influence on social rank, no matter if such titles are not inscribed
+on the visiting card of the person possessing them, or are purely
+honorary.
+
+It is not now customary to add "Madam," or "Sir," or the colloquial
+equivalent of the former,--"m'am" or "m'm,"--to "Yes" and "No," even
+by children.
+
+
+_Correspondence_
+
+Letter writing is a high art, and can give great pleasure to one's
+friends. It must not, however, be intemperately indulged in, either in
+frequency, length of letters, or freedom of expression. A timely note
+is a great binder of friendship, and may give comfort and satisfaction
+much greater than a longer letter at a less important moment.
+
+The danger of letter writing is that one is tempted to pour out one's
+inmost feelings with thoughtless abandon, and find later that the
+relative or friend to whom the letter was addressed was unworthy of
+the confidence, or, if not unworthy, was repelled by it, or
+indiscreet in guarding it. It is always wise for one to restrain his
+expression of himself, when writing or speaking, within the bounds of
+dignity and a self-respecting reserve.
+
+The classic letters of literature are usually those the fervor of
+expression and self-revelation of which gave them a strong human
+interest, but in the preservation and publication of which sacred
+confidence was violated. The average letter of the average man or
+woman is by no means a classic, or worthy of preservation. It should
+be destroyed when it has fulfilled the immediate purpose for which it
+was written. It may otherwise sometime be instrumental in bringing
+ridicule, if not shame, upon the unsuspecting writer.
+
+As letter writing is the most common form of composition, the general
+rules pertaining to that art should be observed in even the most
+informal of letters.
+
+All letters should be concise and definite. An involved style is a
+great waste of time and mental power, and has no advantage.
+
+A letter should be written on consecutive pages, unless it be very
+short, in which case it is preferable to use the first and third,
+rather than only the first and second, pages. It should never be
+written so that the sheet has to be turned around and the pages read
+at different angles. The turning over of the pages should be all that
+is necessary.
+
+If, however, social note paper is used for a short business letter to
+a business man, open the sheet out flat, turn it so that the left side
+becomes the top of the sheet, and use as you would a single large
+sheet of commercial paper. This enables the reader to see the whole
+matter at a glance.
+
+Do not scrawl your letter over the page; but do not, on the other
+hand, appear to economize in paper. Make the place and date lines
+clear and distinct. Set off the salutation from the body of the
+letter, and make the form of the letter upon the page artistic and
+concise. Paper is cheap, and the delight of receiving a letter well
+framed in even margins and written on regular, if invisible, lines is
+a pleasure easily afforded a friend.
+
+The letter should be begun about two inches down from the upper edge
+of the paper. The left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an
+inch, with paragraph indention an inch more. The lower margin also
+should be three-quarters of an inch, and the right margin should be
+kept even and, for best effect, almost as wide as the left margin.
+
+Do not run on the letter without paragraphing it, but place each
+subject in a paragraph by itself.
+
+A business letter should always go straight to the point.
+
+A note of apology should be direct, and say but the one thing which is
+its subject.
+
+A note asking a favor should do it simply and without unnecessary
+preamble. The sense of freedom or intimacy which permits one to ask a
+favor, should be great enough to obviate the necessity of long
+explanation, which seems like coaxing.
+
+The refusal of a request requires tact, and may necessitate less
+directness than courteous explanation: but it should not be so
+extended as to be apologetic.
+
+A letter of thanks is difficult, but too great effusiveness is as
+disgusting as too great abruptness is unsatisfactory. The elusive but
+happy medium is the work of the socially well-trained.
+
+
+_Paper_
+
+The grade of paper used is a matter of no small moment. Some people
+affect a fastidiousness in color and quality quite out of keeping with
+the purpose to which the paper is to be put. Others affect an opposite
+slovenliness, which shows equal disregard of use and effectiveness.
+
+A good quality of paper is essential to elegance. Plain white or cream
+white paper, unlined, with either rough or smooth finish, is always
+correct, and is the only kind for formal social correspondence. For
+more intimate letters ladies sometimes use a pale blue, delicate
+pearl-gray, light lavender or heliotrope, or a Colonial buff. There
+has lately been imported the style of an envelope with lining of
+another color and paper to match, in a variety of bright tints and
+striking designs. These styles, even in the daintier variations of
+them, appeal only to the younger members of the "smart set." Gentlemen
+never use any but white stationery.
+
+Correspondence cards are a great convenience for the very shortest of
+messages, where even the small note paper is too large. They are to
+social letter writing what the postal is in business. They, like the
+postal, should be used only for brief messages of no special
+importance, or for notifications.
+
+It is a matter of taste and of expense to have one's monogram or home
+address engraved at the top of choice note paper or letter paper. This
+may be in gilt, silver, or colors.
+
+The more common forms of heading are centered an inch below the top of
+the paper, but may be placed somewhat lower down, and to the right,
+leaving about three-quarters of an inch margin. In this case the date
+line follows. Engraved and embossed headings are the most elegant, and
+printed ones should be used only for business purposes. There can,
+however, be no objection to a very neatly printed small heading for
+personal business correspondence, if it is tastefully done in a quiet
+color. While it would not be acceptable for formal social
+correspondence, it does very well on more intimate letters and saves
+the necessity of writing each time the home address. It is best to use
+printed letterheads, rather than commit the blunder now so common,
+among those who do not habitually use engraved paper, of omitting the
+address from the letter. This, in case the letter is misdirected, and
+travels to the Dead-Letter Office, prevents effectually its
+restoration to the writer.
+
+The size of note paper suited to the letter to be written should be
+used. Do not start with a small note size, and run on over several
+sheets. The letter size should have been taken in the first place, as
+the note is only for such messages as are essentially short.
+
+The forms of heading which are permissible at the top of the personal
+letter paper are the following: a crest, monogram, or the separate
+initials; the name of the home if, as an estate, it has a special
+title; the name of the city and state; or the street address, with the
+name of the city and state beneath.
+
+When in mourning, it is customary to use a note paper and envelopes
+surrounded with a narrow black border. The border should not exceed
+three-eighths of an inch in width, and three-sixteenths of an inch
+during the period of half mourning. Sometimes only a black line with
+the monogram is used.
+
+Scented note paper is not in good taste, except perhaps that which has
+a very faint odor of violets or of orris root, or, in the Southland,
+of orange blossoms.
+
+
+_Ink_
+
+Colored inks are not liked or approved of by society. A good
+blue-black ink is the best for all writing.
+
+Pale inks, too faint to be easily seen, and too lacking in stock to
+last any length of time, are useless.
+
+
+_Handwriting_
+
+Illegibility in handwriting, or a stilted and difficult hand, is a
+great waste of time and energy, mainly the would-be reader's. There is
+no excuse, in these days of the typewriter and of common knowledge of
+stenography, for an illegible letter or manuscript, and the
+carelessness which writes too hurriedly to form the letters is
+excusable only in the gravest emergency and between intimate friends,
+where the inconvenience caused by it will be, for personal reasons,
+gladly forgiven. Some handwritings which are thoroughly legible are
+extremely tiring to the reader, and the simpler, less ornate hand is
+for every purpose preferable.
+
+The affectation of a handwriting which enables you to put but few
+words on a page, is absurd and vulgar in the extreme. Yet, on the
+other hand, a too delicate or minute hand is not desirable.
+Legibility, neatness, and clearness are the salient virtues of a
+letter.
+
+The use of the typewriter is confined to business. It is still very
+bad form to use it for personal letters; but should elegant script and
+small, clear forms of type, such as are furnished by one or two of the
+machines now on the market, be in common use, there is little doubt
+but what the speed of service and the advantages of clearness would
+bring the typewriter into use in intimate, and perhaps at last into
+more formal, social correspondence. The tendency seems to lie in that
+direction.
+
+
+_Sealing, Stamping, and Directing Envelopes_
+
+Neatness is especially necessary in the folding of letters, and in
+addressing, stamping, and sealing the envelopes. Haste and
+slovenliness here take away the suggestion of compliment in the
+courtesy of the note, and are as insulting as any rudeness of manner
+can well be.
+
+The fastidious and leisurely still seal their envelopes with wax,
+imprinting thus their monogram. The well-gummed envelope now in vogue
+makes this superfluous for the ordinary informal letter. Addresses
+should be written with an eye to legibility, and the stamp should be
+affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the envelope with care and
+neatness. Social invitations, although engraved and therefore
+containing no handwriting, should always be sent with letter postage.
+
+Letters should be plainly and completely addressed to insure their
+safe and prompt delivery.
+
+Persons who have a large business correspondence should use for it
+envelopes on which their name and post office address are printed in
+the upper left-hand corner. In social correspondence these should be
+clearly written or engraved upon the back of the envelope.
+
+Sometimes where a business firm is small or little known, it
+facilitates the delivery of a business letter to place the number of
+the office room in a building upon the envelope. Where, however, the
+firm is so large that probably the entire mail is carried from the
+post office in bags, or where a post office box is doubtless made use
+of instead of the carriers' delivery, even the street number is
+superfluous. Letters for departments should be so marked.
+
+If the city is one of the largest in the country, the name of the
+state is not added; as, New York City, Boston, Chicago, and
+Philadelphia would stand alone.
+
+Only a business letter should have the word "City" in place of the
+name of the city, and it is better to write the name, omitting, if you
+choose, the state. This is permissible only when the central post
+office is used, as the postmark of any suburban station might cause
+confusion, and railway post office clerks, especially, should not be
+expected to guess accurately the intents of a writer.
+
+When street addresses like "Broadway," "Park Row," "Aborn Drive," are
+written, it is superfluous to write "St." after them.
+
+The older form of writing an address was to end each line with a
+comma. The more recent style, and one coming into quite common use, is
+to omit the comma, using only such punctuation as the sense of the
+words within the line demands. Either way is permissible.
+
+Uniformity and concise clearness are characteristics of a well-written
+address. An address should be written as follows:
+
+        Mr. Frankel Banchman,
+         15 Westland Avenue,
+           Philadelphia,
+                Pa.
+
+If the directions are to be included, then the following arrangement
+is better:
+
+                Mrs. Arthur L. Casson,
+                    North Maplewood,
+                         Chestnut County,
+        Care of Mr. Hiram Casson.    N. Y.
+
+The sign of per cent is no longer used to signify "care of."
+
+A clergyman is addressed "The Reverend John L. Wrigley, D. D.," or,
+less correctly, "Rev. John L. Wrigley, D. D.," which may be transposed
+to "Rev. Dr. John L. Wrigley." The omission of the article before the
+word "Reverend" is quite common.
+
+A physician is properly addressed, "Algernon Brigham, M. D.," and the
+salutation is "Dear Dr. Brigham," or "Dear Doctor," if he is an
+intimate friend. A man having the title of Doctor with any other
+significance than that of Doctor of Medicine, is usually addressed
+"Dr. Frederic V. Harlan." A very formal way, however, would be to
+address such a one,--supposing each of the titles to be his,--as
+"Professor Frederic V. Harlan, Ph. D." For the letter, the salutations
+"Dear Professor Harlan" and "Dear Dr. Harlan" are equally correct.
+
+A letter to the President of the United States should be addressed
+simply with that title and with no further specification of name,
+whether it be official or social: as, "To the President of the United
+States, Executive Mansion, Washington, D. C." The salutation should be
+simply "Sir." The conclusion should be, "I have the honor to remain
+Your obedient servant." If a social letter it may be addressed either
+formally or "To the President of the United States, (Christian name
+and surname), Executive Mansion," etc. The salutation would then be
+"My dear Mr. President."
+
+The Vice President should be addressed officially in the same form;
+that is, "To the Vice President, Hon. Chester A. Arthur." He should be
+saluted, officially, "Mr. Vice President, Sir;" socially, "My dear Mr.
+Arthur."
+
+In addressing the governor of a state the superscription should be,
+"To His Excellency, The Governor of Massachusetts, State House,
+Boston." The salutation should be "Sir," if official, but "Dear
+Governor Barnard," if social. The conclusion of an official letter
+should read, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Excellency's most
+obedient servant."
+
+The mayor of a city is addressed, "To His Honor, The Mayor of
+Chicago." Within, he is saluted officially as "Your Honor," socially
+as "My dear Mayor Sewall."
+
+Ambassadors of any country, whatever their personal distinction, may
+be given the title of "Honorable," and their rank placed after the
+surname. As, "Honorable Whitelaw Reid, Ambassador to the Court of St.
+James." They may always be addressed as "Your Excellency."
+
+The members of the Cabinet of the President of the United States are
+always addressed as "Honorable," and the name of their department, or
+their title added: as, "The Honorable, The Secretary of State." To
+give the name would be superfluous, as in the case of the President.
+On formal invitations, however, when the Secretary and his wife are
+entertaining, the form is, "The Secretary of State and Mrs. Hay
+request the honor," etc.
+
+Invitations which come to one because of his official position are not
+intended for personal compliments, hence are addressed to the office,
+not to the man personally.
+
+An invitation from the President of the United States is equal to a
+command, and may not be declined. Other engagements must be broken for
+it, and only grave calamity or illness should excuse one, the excuse
+being frankly stated instead of mere formal expressions of regret.
+
+In ceremonious notes abbreviations should never be used.
+
+Should one address the ruler of England, the superscription would be,
+"His Majesty, The King, London." The salutation would be, "Sir;" the
+conclusion, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient
+servant."
+
+"His Grace the Duke of Fife" is the form of address for a Duke; "My
+Lord Duke" being the salutation, and "Your Grace's most obedient
+servant" the subscription.
+
+In writing to the Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, one should
+address the letter to "His Holiness, Pope ----, Rome." The salutation
+should be "Your Holiness," but the conclusion remains the same form as
+for other dignitaries. A Cardinal of the same church is addressed "To
+His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal (surname)," and greeted as
+"Your Eminence." Formality should be strictly observed.
+
+An Archbishop of the Church of England is addressed, "The Most
+Reverend (name) His Grace the Lord Archbishop of (name of bishopric)."
+The salutation is "My Lord Archbishop;" the subscription, "I have the
+honor to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's most humble
+servant." A Bishop is addressed "The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of
+(name of diocese)." He is saluted "My Lord Bishop."
+
+In the United States the Bishops of the Protestant Episcopal Church,
+who are not here Lords, are addressed, singly, as "The Right Reverend
+(Christian name and surname). D. D.," or "The Right Reverend Bishop
+of (name of diocese)." They are saluted, singly, "Most Reverend Sir."
+
+The word "To" may precede a formal or ceremonious address, adding to
+the formality.
+
+An envelope containing a letter or card of introduction should never
+be sealed, if presented in person by the party introduced. If,
+however, he should deliver it by messenger,--an exceptional procedure,
+and one not to be followed by a man except in unusual
+circumstances,--the envelope may be sealed.
+
+No letter sent through the kindness of a friend should ever be sealed.
+The envelope should bear, in the lower left-hand corner, the
+acknowledgment of the favor in words like "Kindness of Miss
+Hallowell."
+
+
+_Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters_
+
+A stranger should be saluted as follows: "Mr. Eugene Motley, My dear
+Sir;" "Mrs. Alonzo Parmenter, Dear Madam;" or "Eugene Motley, Esq., My
+dear Sir." These are forms slightly more formal than "My dear Mr.
+Motley," or "My dear Mrs. Parmenter," which in America are strangely
+considered more formal than "Dear Mr. Motley," or "Dear Mrs.
+Parmenter," although in England the reverse is true. Therefore, a mere
+acquaintance is addressed "My dear Mrs. Judson," while a friend is
+addressed "Dear Mr. Clark."
+
+A married woman signs her name, as "Ethel Husted," and then puts her
+formal name, "Mrs. Hollis Husted," in brackets a little to the left of
+and a little below the other.
+
+Never sign a title. The name only is your signature. It may be
+necessary to write the title in brackets and at the left, as "(Miss)"
+or "(Mrs.)," but it should never be part of the signature. Such notes
+as demand the use of the title are put in the third person.
+
+The date should be at the end of a social note, in the lower left-hand
+corner, and should be written out, with the name of the year omitted
+and no figures used. The grammatical form is "The ninth of December,"
+never "December the ninth," nor "December ninth."
+
+In business letters the salutation for a firm name is "Dear Sir," or
+"Gentlemen." Where two married women go into business together, there
+seems to be in English no combined title to take the place of the
+French, so that is generally used, and that is "Mesdames," abbreviated
+"Mmes." before their names.
+
+The formal conclusions of letters are: "Respectfully yours," used to a
+superior; "Sincerely yours," or "Truly yours," used largely in
+business, or the same forms with the adverb "Very" preceding them.
+Less formal terms are: "Cordially yours," "Fraternally yours," or the
+pronoun with any appropriate adverb which the originality of the
+writer may suggest. Less abrupt, but not less formal, endings are:
+"With best regards, I am," etc.; "With kindest regards, I remain,"
+etc.; "Believe me Very sincerely yours."
+
+For intimate letters either to relatives or friends no specified
+suggestions are needed. The ordinary form, "Your affectionate
+daughter," or "niece," etc., may, however, be employed, in dearth of
+special inspiration.
+
+Distinction is sometimes made between business and social letters by
+the position of "Yours,"--it being placed before the adverb in social
+correspondence, and after in business. The tone of the letter may be
+left to guide in this matter. There is an abruptness always somewhat
+unpleasant in the use of the adverb alone.
+
+Make the beginning and ending of a letter the same in degree of
+cordiality. Do not begin formally "My dear Madam," and end "Cordially
+yours."
+
+Every letter should be signed with the full name of the writer. A
+possible exception might be made of those addressed to members of
+one's own family, where the use of the Christian name only would mean
+no ambiguity, or where the signing of the surname gives a touch of
+formality. It is well, however, to remember that letters placed in
+the post take the chances of fortune, and, with the plainest of
+addresses, may, by the absence of the person or for some other cause,
+bring up in the Dead-Letter Office. Their resurrection there will
+depend upon their containing the full name of the sender as well as
+his address. If a letter is valuable enough to send, it is valuable
+enough to sign, even if the signature be double,--first the familiar
+or given name, and then, in the lower left-hand corner, the full name.
+
+It is well to use always the name which is your legal signature. This
+will prevent confusion, and forestall the possibility of your putting,
+from force of habit, the wrong form of your name upon a legal
+document.
+
+It is well to write one's name in full. Three complete names are none
+too many for individual distinction in so crowded a world as is ours.
+If, however, the middle one is represented by an initial only, always
+write it uniformly. It is better, if the form with initial only has
+not become really established, to use the full name, although it may
+be long.
+
+The form of one's signature and the style of the handwriting soon
+become habitual. Therefore, every effort should be made to make and
+keep it legible. An illegible signature is unpardonable,--save perhaps
+on a page at the top of which a printed or engraved letterhead gives
+the name in full. There is, however, the danger that the writer of the
+illegible signature will sometime sign his name on a legal document,
+or a sheet not bearing his letterhead, and the signature stand for
+nothing.
+
+
+_Letters of Introduction_
+
+A letter of introduction should never be requested. If it is offered
+it is a sign of great regard. If it is greatly desired, it might be
+well to acquaint the person, in whose power it is to offer it, with
+the circumstances and interests which make it desirable, but never to
+do more than this.
+
+The advisability of giving letters of introduction depends upon the
+circumstances. Between business acquaintances and for business
+purposes, it is a common form of establishing connection among various
+interests, and, if done with discrimination, is to be approved. It
+should, however, even in business be done sparingly, as it is a matter
+of personal friendship, usually, and as no one has a right to make
+numerous or exacting demands upon one's friends.
+
+Socially it is a matter of great delicacy, and should have even more
+restrictions put upon it than does the introduction in company. For
+the written introduction is used because distance prevents the
+personal one, and that usually throws the recipient of such a letter
+into the position of host to the traveler or newcomer, or at least of
+benefactor to some degree. It places upon him an obligation not
+involved in the verbal introduction, and the presumption is that he is
+to do some favor, or show some special attention.
+
+Letters of introduction may be explanatory or brief. Brevity is
+preferable, but circumstances must determine.
+
+A visiting card is often used with the words "Introducing Mr. Allan
+Golding to Mr. Morris," or similar form, written across the top. The
+card should be enclosed in a small envelope and left unsealed.
+
+A brief form of letter simply says: "Permit me to introduce to your
+favorable notice Mr. Silas Emerson."
+
+A more explicit form would be a letter the body of which would
+resemble the following:
+
+"The bearer, Mr. Mark W. Allen, who is an old friend and neighbor of
+mine, represents the Altmann Irrigation Company, and is desirous of
+obtaining information in regard to the system of waterways lately put
+into your county. Knowing your influential position in regard to all
+matters of public interest, I have sent him to you in the hope that
+you may be able to put him in touch with the people who will give him
+the desired information. Any favor that you may do Mr. Allen, or any
+courtesy that you may extend to him, will be deeply appreciated by
+me."
+
+A purely social letter of introduction would say in substance: "Mrs.
+Arthur L. Westmore, who presents this letter to you, is an intimate
+and cherished friend of mine, and one whom I know you would desire to
+meet. She is to spend some little time in your city, and any courtesy
+that you may do her I shall deeply appreciate. I have told her of our
+friendship, and she knows how highly I value you, and is eager to meet
+you."
+
+When a letter of introduction is given, it is well to write the
+receiver concerning the friend who will present it, that he may not be
+taken unawares, nor continue long ignorant of the claims of that
+friend upon him.
+
+A gentleman usually presents such a letter by calling in person and
+sending in the letter, together with one of his personal cards, by the
+servant who answers the bell, or by the office boy. A lady usually
+mails the letter and one of her cards giving her address. She should
+receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer of hospitality within a
+day or two.
+
+A person who makes use of a letter of introduction should acknowledge
+to the giver the courtesy he has received, with due gratitude.
+
+
+_Letters of Recommendation_
+
+Letters of recommendation should be sparingly given. It is becoming
+less and less important, in the minds of experienced employers, to
+demand references. The personality of the applicant counts, and the
+varying traits which different positions cultivate make the
+experiences of the past of but little guidance, save in a broad and
+general way.
+
+The giving of recommendations at random, "To whom it may concern," is
+also less done than formerly, as there is such uncertainty in regard
+to their use. Instead of this, the servant is told that she may use
+the former mistress's name as reference. The new, would-be employer
+then writes a note of inquiry to the former employer.
+
+In replying to such a note great conscientiousness should be shown.
+Full justice should be done the servant. Only the truth should be
+told, and as much of it as a generous heart and wise conscience,
+coupled with a sense of responsibility toward the inquirer, permit.
+These letters should be brief and not effusive on any point, nor
+evasive of the issue at stake.
+
+Never write to another, asking for information, or a favor of any
+kind, without enclosing a stamped and addressed envelope for reply.
+
+
+_Third-person Letters_
+
+Letters are written in the third person in answer to formal
+invitations so worded, and in correspondence between people but
+slightly acquainted or known to each other only by reputation, persons
+not social equals, and by tradespeople and their patrons.
+
+Great care should be taken to preserve the impersonal diction
+throughout the letter, and to refrain from signing it. The tone should
+always be formal and very polite.
+
+An order may take the form of a request, as "Will Mr. Sutherland
+please . . . and oblige," with the signature of the writer.
+
+
+_Informal Invitations and Announcements_
+
+In inviting a friend to visit you, it is customary to mention the
+length of the visit, setting a definite date for it and limit to it.
+This makes it possible for both hostess and guest to arrange other
+engagements.
+
+A time-table of the trains, if the guest comes from the distance, with
+an account of the trolley lines, if from near at hand, should be
+enclosed.
+
+The engagement of a daughter may be announced by informal notes to
+one's whole circle of friends and acquaintances. The following form
+of note may serve as a suggestion: "I am sure that you will join our
+household in sympathy with Eleanor in her happiness when I tell you
+that she has just announced her engagement to Mr. Harold Farnham, a
+man of whom her father and I thoroughly approve. The wedding will not
+take place for some months, but felicitations are in order."
+
+
+_Letters of Condolence_
+
+A letter of condolence should be short and quite sincere, or else the
+courteous custom of sending it is more honored in the breach than in
+the observance.
+
+Such letters should be sent very promptly.
+
+To expatiate to any extent whatever upon the bereavement is heartless
+or thoughtless, and as there is no danger of ambiguity, the letter
+does not need to account for itself in any way.
+
+The following letter is as explicit as any letter of condolence need
+ever be, and the second form is preferable, unless great intimacy
+makes the less abrupt one permissible.
+
+        "DEAR MR. LEGROW:
+
+        I have read of your bereavement with the deepest
+        sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I sympathize with
+        you and your children, or how my heart aches for you
+        in your loneliness. May you have strength and grace
+        to bear up under the great loss you have sustained.
+
+                               Sincerely yours,
+                                        MARGARET EDELSTONE."
+
+
+        "DEAR MRS. HILCOX:
+              You have my deepest sympathy.
+                        Ever cordially yours,
+                                  MILDRED HASSELTINE."
+
+
+_Answering Letters_
+
+Business letters should be answered by return mail, as should also all
+invitations to dinner or luncheon.
+
+All invitations should be answered within a day if possible, because
+delay looks like a reluctance to accept. They should certainly be
+answered, either personally or by letter, within a week after the
+invitation is received.
+
+Friendly letters should have such promptness of response as
+circumstances and the intimacy of the friendship demand.
+
+Notes of congratulation and felicitation should be sent promptly after
+receiving the card or note announcement of an engagement or a birth,
+and in the latter case at least, should be followed by a call.
+
+A personal visiting card, with the words "Thank you for sympathy"
+written over the name, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of
+condolence. To very intimate friends, however, the spontaneous note of
+thanks would be more courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such a
+time, to attend to matters of social intercourse, the sending of the
+card is always permissible, and can occasion no offense, even if the
+more intimate acknowledgment was hoped for.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS
+
+_Greetings and Recognitions_
+
+
+THE bow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the
+United States to-day. The bow varies from a very slight inclination of
+the head, as one gentleman passes another, or from the quick touching
+of the hat with the hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military
+salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of
+European ceremonial courtesy.
+
+The usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders, with the eyes
+kept on those of the person greeted, the hat being removed from the
+head and held in the right hand during the bow,--which is at once
+brief, deferential, and dignified. It may be accompanied by the
+handshake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand.
+
+The degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous, determined
+by the deference felt, or the emotions which the meeting may summon.
+It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn or real disdain, for they
+are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose, or in
+the carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement of an eyelash, and
+usually nobody is deceived.
+
+The correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near
+together, the legs straight, and the entire body inclined from the
+hips. This is somewhat too extreme for common use, and should be
+modified always in public, the less elaborate bow being much
+preferable upon the street or in public places.
+
+A woman bows more erectly than a man does, and gives perhaps as
+cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting,
+which should always be characteristic, and never mechanical, or in
+imitation of others, whose natural traits may be far different,
+however admirable she may consider their style to be. It is only when
+she meets some one her senior, or in much more important social
+position, or one whom she specially delights to honor, that she
+elaborates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion
+admit of the formality.
+
+A lady should be straightforward in her greeting, never condescending
+to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow.
+She should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting
+another, and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of
+such a meeting.
+
+The handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally
+from the elbow and clasping, between the closed four fingers and thumb
+of the hand, the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand, then
+quietly shaking it. This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped
+hands,--not the elbow,--to the height of the shoulders, and there
+mildly shaking them, or clasping them with a slight pressure and
+letting them drop,--styles savoring of affectation. The impulse
+prompting the handshake,--that of getting together in intimate
+personal greeting,--is accomplished when the clasp is ended, and
+vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special pressure, or continued
+holding of the hand, are all alike unpardonable.
+
+The bow is the least sign of recognition, and may mean little or much,
+but its significance is known only to the two concerned. While it is
+permissible in public places to make its cordiality, or lack of it,
+apparent, it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private
+social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial
+courtesy.
+
+The bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance. It may mean
+only a casual knowledge of one another's existence, due to some brief
+coming together. Intentionally to neglect to bow, after a bowing
+acquaintance has once been established, is an open affront, and
+denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. The dropping of an
+acquaintance by refusal to recognize, may, in our complicated social
+system, sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified by the
+necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more
+flagrant social abuses.
+
+It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man whom she knows, to bow
+first. Indeed, the man always waits for her to do so, unless he is a
+very intimate friend. A woman should always be sure, before bowing to
+a man, that she knows him and that she has caught his eye.
+
+When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he lifts his hat when she
+bows to an acquaintance, even if the person is not known to him. So,
+also, when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows, who is in the
+company of a lady, he lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he
+meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes his hat.
+
+When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one
+only, it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she
+requests him to replace it. This is done with social superiors and
+to show great respect, being more ceremonial than finds common
+acceptance among Americans.
+
+When he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady, he also lifts his hat.
+It is proper for him to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a
+lady, even though a total stranger, and upon leaving a lady with whom
+he or a person accompanying him has been talking.
+
+It is well to return a bow which is directed to you, even if you do
+not know the one bowing. This often saves considerable embarrassment
+to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else.
+
+When passing before ladies seated in a lecture hall, or concert, a
+gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them.
+
+In passing or repassing on the street or promenade, a single bow is
+sufficient recognition, even though you may meet an acquaintance
+several times.
+
+A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes hands with the stranger with
+the same cordiality as with the friend.
+
+A gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in
+hand-shaking. If a lady offers her hand, however, it would be very
+rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy.
+
+Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, but have not
+been introduced, are under no obligation to bow when they meet
+elsewhere afterward, and usually do not.
+
+When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in the corridor of a hotel,
+in the elevator of a private apartment house, or in the public rooms
+of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger.
+
+This rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of
+office buildings, with the exception, perhaps, of banks and such
+offices as people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness of courtesy
+has made men feel that, as women are winning an equality of position
+in the business field, a delicate way of recognizing that equality is
+by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the
+social attentions. Another marked expression of this is in the fact
+that a business man, when walking on the street with a business woman,
+does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in
+order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk.
+
+An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, social and business, is
+often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife
+of one of the men present, enters an office where there are both men
+and women of equal business importance and social rank. There is an
+elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who is in private life,
+which would not be paid, and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if
+paid, to the business woman, even though she were at once the active
+vice president of the corporation and wife of the president.
+
+
+_Introductions_
+
+The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs. Allen, may I present Mr.
+Brown?" Or, "Mrs. Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs.
+Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." Where, however, the
+permission need not be suggested, and the relative standing of the
+people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs. Gleason, Mr. Ansel."
+
+When it is necessary to introduce one person to several, the form is,
+"Mrs. Gladstone, I want you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, Mr.
+Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one introduced simply repeats each
+name and smiles as she greets each in turn.
+
+Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom, I want you to know my
+friend, Mr. Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because of its
+definiteness.
+
+The response to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or, "I
+am very glad to meet you."
+
+If one does not catch the name of the person introduced, it is proper
+to ask it, saying, "Pardon me, but I did not understand the name."
+
+Introductions should always be spoken distinctly, especially the
+names. If, in introducing, one can add a sentence which will give a
+subject of conversation, the preliminaries of acquaintance may be
+speedily passed, and memorable information and real profit be gleaned
+from even a casual meeting.
+
+It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch
+and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction,
+and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his
+favor.
+
+Persons who have not been introduced are not considered acquainted.
+The exceptions to this rule are the guests under a common roof, while
+they are there.
+
+Introductions should never be indiscriminately made. There should be
+willingness, if not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A hostess
+is, however, warranted in introducing two people who she knows will be
+congenial, or if they have before expressed a desire to become
+acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the introduction will be
+received by either, they should not be introduced.
+
+One should never introduce two acquaintances who reside in the same
+town but move in different social circles, unless each had desired the
+introduction.
+
+If there is a difference of station or age, then it is necessary only
+to ask the older or more prominent person whether the introduction
+would be acceptable. This should be done quietly, and quite out of
+hearing or knowledge of the other person concerned.
+
+A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for an introduction to a lady
+whom he wishes to meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the
+mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman until he has made
+sure that the lady is willing.
+
+It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one another indiscriminately,
+nor should ladies be so introduced. One wishes to keep the boundaries
+of one's acquaintance within certain definite limits, and choice is
+easier made before acquaintance than after. So, one shows great care
+in offering introductions to others, and exercises the same care for
+one's self.
+
+If a hostess and her guest are out walking together, the hostess would
+introduce to her guest every friend who happened to stop and speak
+with her, and the guest, should she meet acquaintances of her own,
+would introduce each of them to her hostess. This is practically the
+only case where indiscriminate introducing is good form, and here the
+obligations of hospitality safeguard it.
+
+A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman who has been introduced
+to her, but a bow, a smile, and a repetition of the name are all that
+is necessary where several introductions are being made, as at a
+large reception or dancing party.
+
+A gentleman always offers his hand to another gentleman on being
+introduced.
+
+An elderly lady may offer her hand in all introductions with perfect
+propriety.
+
+If, while walking out with a friend, you meet another, do not
+introduce the two. A transient meeting is of no particular moment to
+them, and their friendship or acquaintance with you is not necessarily
+of strong enough interest to make them desire acquaintance. If,
+however, you meet at some public place, and are detained there
+together for several minutes, then the introduction should be given.
+
+When meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance, friends may
+introduce friends, but it is preferable to leave the introductions to
+the hostess.
+
+It is no longer necessary to introduce each guest to everybody else at
+a party. Introductions are made as opportunity or necessity may
+dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and wholesale introductions
+relieves two very embarrassing situations,--that of being introduced
+by announcement to a whole roomful of people, and that of being taken
+around and introduced to them singly.
+
+A mother may present her son, or a sister her brother, or a wife her
+husband, if she so desires, without any question as to the propriety
+of it. A man should not, on the other hand, introduce another man to
+his wife, or a son or brother make a presentation of a man to his
+mother or sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance could not but
+be agreeable to the lady, and unless it meets with his own approval.
+For it is a man's place always to safeguard a woman against
+undesirable acquaintances.
+
+A woman, in introducing her husband, gives him his title, if he has
+one, as "Judge Hartwell," "Doctor Foley." The wife of the President of
+the United States speaks of him only as "The President," and in
+presenting people to him, he is always addressed as "Mr. President,"
+with the invariable omission of his surname.
+
+A friend or acquaintance, no matter how distinguished, is always
+presented to one's father or mother or one's intimate relative, where
+the intimacy of the relation makes an honor more distinguishing, in
+the mind of the introducer, than any of reputation or position.
+
+A young man should be introduced to an older man, a young woman to an
+older woman.
+
+A man is always presented to a woman, never the reverse.
+
+If a lady is seated and a man is presented to her, she need not rise.
+If two ladies, both seated, are introduced to each other, they should
+rise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which case both remain
+seated. Two gentlemen, though both are seated, rise and shake hands
+when introduced.
+
+A young lady always rises when an elderly person is introduced.
+
+Introductions are not made at table. The guests at a dinner party
+should be presented to one another in the drawing-room before coming
+to the table, and if that is impossible, as many should be introduced
+as may be, especially those who are to sit beside or near or opposite
+each other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he has not met, the
+man takes the initiative in speaking a few words as soon as he takes
+his seat, to which the lady responds always cordially, keeping up more
+or less of a conversation during the dinner.
+
+At dancing parties all those who are giving the party, as well as all
+the ushers and those who receive, make introductions as general as
+possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the guests during the
+evening.
+
+An introduction at a dance carries with it the obligation on the part
+of the man to ask the woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his
+request unless her card is full.
+
+When traveling great care should be taken as to introductions.
+
+As a guest one should be ready and willing to meet any one whom his
+host or hostess may introduce, even though it be an enemy. The
+obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more heavily than in this
+matter. They demand that impartial courtesy should be shown to every
+one.
+
+
+_Calls_
+
+Calls must be made in person, rather than by card left by messenger or
+post, after an invitation to dinner, luncheon, supper, or similar
+function, and that within a week or, at farthest, two weeks of the
+date of the affair. One should also call in person within two weeks of
+any entertainment to which one has been asked, especially if one has
+attended.
+
+One need repay formal calls, where no invitation to any social
+occasion has been received, only once a year. Even in this case, cards
+may be sent by mail. In the country it is usual to go in person,
+though one does not ask if the lady of the house is at home.
+
+Calls should be made upon the "At Home" day, if one is engraved upon
+the card. If a person is ill, a near relative, or intimate friend, may
+leave a card for her at the house of the friend upon whom she wished
+to call.
+
+Society holds young people who are free to attend parties and
+entertainments under stern obligation to pay their social calls.
+Young mothers, professional women, students, invalids, and
+semi-invalids are not expected to conform rigidly to the same rules.
+If a young woman can go to a party to amuse herself, she must call
+afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the invitation.
+
+If a mother cannot call in person, her daughter or some one else may
+pay the necessary calls in her stead. Or she may invite the people
+whom she would otherwise call on, to an afternoon tea, which is more
+of a compliment than a call.
+
+In calling at a house, should the door be opened by a member of the
+family, the caller does not present her card to the lady or gentleman,
+but steps in, asking for the person whom she wants to see. She may
+leave her card unobtrusively on the table when she goes out.
+
+If a maid opens the door, the card is handed to her and received on a
+small tray. No well-trained maid ever extends her hand to receive a
+visiting card.
+
+If a caller wishes to be very formal, she leaves a card for every lady
+in the family on whom she wishes to call.
+
+In the beginning of the season a wife always leaves her husband's card
+with her own, and she usually does this also when making a call at the
+close of the season.
+
+An unmarried woman calling on a married friend leaves only one card.
+If the friend has daughters or is entertaining a guest, a card may be
+left for each.
+
+A lady always rises to receive a visitor.
+
+It takes good judgment to know when to go, but it should be cultivated
+and practised. Lingering in taking one's leave is a great weariness,
+to one's hostess if not to one's self.
+
+After a birth calls are made upon the mother after the child is a
+month old.
+
+After a death the friends of the family should call in person inside
+of a month. The members of the family do not receive them, however,
+unless they wish to do so.
+
+
+_Social Calls of Men_
+
+A man never carries or leaves the cards of other men, nor can he leave
+cards for any of the women of his family.
+
+A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon at home leaves in the card
+tray, on entering the house, a card for his hostess and one for his
+host. The card for his host must be left, even if that gentleman does
+not appear in the drawing-room, provided the caller is acquainted with
+him, and providing he is calling in acknowledgment of some hospitality
+recently received.
+
+If there is a host, hostess, and young lady daughter in the house,
+and the caller is a friend of the latter, he leaves three cards.
+
+The man who is making his first or last call for the season on the
+regular afternoon at home, leaves one card for each of the ladies, and
+each one of the men of the household whose acquaintance he can claim.
+
+When a man calls on a lady's day at home, and his call has no
+reference to any social debts, he leaves only one card in the tray. If
+he is somewhat intimate in the house where the call is paid, he leaves
+no card at all.
+
+A man does not call upon a woman unless she invites him, or some
+member of her family does, or he goes with a mutual friend who has
+made sure of his welcome. A woman may say to a man, "Mother and I are
+usually at home Fridays, and would like to have you call," or some
+other form of invitation which denotes cordiality.
+
+A man who desires to call in particular upon one lady, in a family
+where there are several, hands his card to the servant with the words,
+"Please give this to Miss Curley, and I would like to see all the
+other ladies also." The ladies appear and greet him, withdrawing that
+he may call upon the one he especially wished to see.
+
+If calling upon a guest in a home, you always ask for the hostess
+also.
+
+A man retains his hat, gloves, and walking stick in hand during a
+formal call, though he may have left his overcoat in the hall.
+
+
+_First Calls_
+
+In America it is the usual custom for residents of the city or town to
+call first upon newcomers. Washington is a well-known exception to
+this rule, as strangers there call first upon government officials and
+their families. In most European cities newcomers call first upon
+those already in residence. The residents, from the officials down,
+return their cards, and the visitor or newcomer receives invitations
+to social functions.
+
+In practice the resident does not usually know anything about the
+stranger, and may not have even heard of her arrival. Sometimes the
+newcomer sends out cards for several days in a month, to those with
+whom she would like to become acquainted. If she can enclose the card
+of a mutual friend, as a silent voucher for her social standing, her
+position is more quickly and more surely granted her.
+
+Clergymen and their families, brides, and persons of note are entitled
+to receive first calls. The older residents of the community are
+expected to lead in the list of callers who welcome the newcomers.
+
+First calls should be promptly returned, within a week at the very
+latest.
+
+A married woman making a first call upon a married friend sends one of
+her own and two of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+THE PERSONAL CARD AND THE ENGRAVED INVITATION
+
+
+_Form of Card_
+
+A MAN'S card is usually one and a half by three inches in size, and
+made of fairly stiff bristol board. A woman's card is usually about
+two and three-sixteenths by three inches, and made of dull-finish,
+fine, medium-weight bristol board.
+
+The color of cards is a fine pearl white. Cream or tinted cards are
+never in good form.
+
+The engraving varies from plain script to elaborate Old English text,
+or shaded Roman type, according to the fashion. The engraver may be
+trusted to know the style and stock most in use.
+
+The card of an unmarried lady should be somewhat smaller than that of
+the married. This distinction is made, however, only in case of the
+card of the debutante.
+
+
+_Inscription_
+
+If there is room across the card the full name should be engraved. If
+the names are too long, only the initials of given names should be
+used.
+
+All inscriptions on one card should be in the same style of type.
+
+"Mr." is prefixed, unless there is a special title, such as,
+"Reverend," "Doctor," "Colonel," etc. If a man should, in an
+emergency, write his own name on a card, he would not prefix the
+"Mr.," or any other title. The name should be written in full and
+should be an autograph.
+
+A married lady should have her husband's full name, or such form or
+parts of it as he uses, with the title "Mrs.," and not her own name.
+
+A young woman has the title "Miss" engraved before her name, even
+though she be only a schoolgirl.
+
+A young man has no title at all on his card, but simply his full name.
+
+The newly married couple use a card with the title of "Mr. and Mrs."
+for the first year after marriage, in returning their ceremonious
+calls after the wedding, and paying formal calls when the husband is
+unable to accompany the wife. These cards should have the address in
+the lower right-hand corner, and the reception day or days in the
+lower left. After the first year they are seldom used in paying calls,
+but can be used for condolence, congratulation, or farewell where both
+husband and wife desire to be formally represented.
+
+A woman who is personally distinguished, who occupies a high social
+position, or whose husband stands at the head of his family, may have
+only "Mrs. Barnaby," not "Mrs. John Barnaby," upon her cards. It is
+better, however, not to do so unless one has the indisputable right to
+be considered as _the_ Mrs. Barnaby of the locality. It is customary
+for the wife of the oldest brother of the oldest branch of the family
+alone to have the privilege of this form.
+
+The same rule of precedence applies to single women. The oldest
+unmarried daughter of the oldest brother, and she alone, has the right
+to use "Miss Campbell" on her card, although she may have a cousin who
+is much older than herself, but who is the daughter of a younger
+brother of the same family.
+
+A widow has no cards during her year of mourning, as she makes no
+formal visits. After that, cards with black border to any depth
+desired may be used.
+
+A widow has no legal right to retain her husband's Christian name, but
+she often prefers to do so, and it is entirely proper, the question
+being one of sentiment alone. In case there is a married son of the
+same name as the father, then it is proper for the mother to put "Sr."
+for Senior, at the end of her name, should she desire still to retain
+her husband's Christian name.
+
+In such a case widows occasionally prefer to use their own names or
+initials.
+
+In this country a married woman merges her name with that of her
+husband. It is not uncommon nowadays for married women to sign their
+own Christian name, their maiden surname, and their husband's surname
+as their signature. There is value in this as it preserves the family
+identity of the married woman, but the question of its legality may
+always be raised.
+
+The name of daughter or daughters is often engraved below that of the
+mother on her card, before the young woman enters formally into
+society. The form "The Misses Smith" may be used, or the names given
+separately. In New York in some circles the debutante is not given a
+separate card until she has been in society a year. As American
+schoolgirls often have a card with the prefix "Miss," the debutante
+may use this among her girl friends.
+
+To write anything on an engraved card except "Condolences,"
+"Congratulations," "_P. p. c._," is not considered good style,
+although a lady may use her visiting card with "Five o'clock tea,"
+"Music," or a special date written upon it as an informal invitation
+to a musical or "At Home."
+
+A business or professional woman may have, in addition to her society
+card, a card with her own name for business purposes. This usually has
+a word or two denoting her profession in the lower left-hand corner,
+and her business address in the lower right.
+
+A lady's card should always contain her home address in the lower
+right-hand corner. Her afternoon "At Home" is usually given in the
+lower left.
+
+The address is often omitted from cards for men, being engraved on
+those of the women of the family. Men belonging to a fashionable or
+well-known club put its name, instead of their residence, on their
+cards. This is especially the case when they do not live at home. If
+living at a club, the address is put on the lower left-hand corner; if
+living at home, the lower right-hand corner.
+
+On a man's business cards the title "Mr." is omitted, the name of his
+firm, their business, and address, being engraved in the lower
+left-hand corner.
+
+
+_Titles_
+
+Titles which signify permanent rank, or profession that lasts for
+life, and which are allied to a man's identity or distinctly bear
+upon his social standing, should be used.
+
+Temporary titles, which have no special social rank or bearing, or
+professional titles, such as "Esquire" for lawyers, which have no
+social significance, are not used.
+
+For the same reason that temporary or technical titles are not used,
+honorary titles are omitted. There should be no pretense in regard to
+social position, as pretense is easy and futile. A man appears in
+society simply as an ordinary individual, to win favor and position by
+force of his personality, or to lose it thereby.
+
+An army or a naval officer, a physician, a judge, or a clergyman may
+use his title on his card, as, for instance, "Captain James Smith,"
+"Judge Henry Gray," "Rev. Thomas Jones, D. D." The card of an
+Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court at Washington
+reads "Mr. Justice Holmes." Military or complimentary titles are not
+used, nor are coats of arms. In this republican country it is
+considered an affectation and bad taste so to make use of them.
+Political and judicial titles are also omitted, as are academic
+titles, such as Chancellor, Dean, and Professor.
+
+No title below the rank of Captain is used on the card in military
+circles. A lieutenant's card would give his full name with the prefix
+"Mr." and below it the words, "Lieutenant of Fifth Cavalry, United
+States Army," or simply, "United States Coast Guard Service."
+
+
+_Use_
+
+The etiquette of the visiting card is a fluctuating one. It cannot be
+laid down for all time, or even for next season.
+
+On entering at a reception, or afternoon tea, one leaves a card in the
+salver offered by the butler or attendant who opens the door, or upon
+the hall table, as a reminder to the hostess, who can hardly be
+expected to remember, if entertaining a large number, every one who
+has been there.
+
+One does not leave cards at a wedding reception, however.
+
+At an afternoon tea, it is no longer necessary to leave a card apiece
+from all the members of the invited families to all the members of the
+family of the hostess and her guests also. The single card for the
+host and hostess is all that is required.
+
+Should one be invited to a series of receptions, one leaves cards only
+once although one may attend twice. Leaving cards in person after a
+tea or reception is good form only for ceremonious affairs. After the
+usual private reception one should certainly call.
+
+If only one member of a family can attend a reception to which the
+others have been invited, she may leave the cards of the others,
+together with her own, with perfect propriety.
+
+Also when one is not able to attend a reception or an afternoon tea,
+cards may be sent by mail, although it is better to send them by
+messenger, to arrive on the day of the entertainment. One should call
+within a fortnight.
+
+It is not now considered necessary to call in person where formerly it
+was so held. The sending of the personal card often takes the place of
+the call. Nor need this be done by messenger. Cards for any purpose
+may now be sent by mail.
+
+After removing from one part of the city to another, it is customary
+for ladies to send engraved cards with their new address and with
+their reception day to all of their circle of acquaintances.
+
+A woman who is stopping for a brief time in a city where she has
+friends, sends to them her card containing her temporary address and
+the length of her stay, as "Here until June second," or "Here until
+Sunday."
+
+A man, however, calls upon his friends, and if they are absent leaves
+his card giving the same information.
+
+If a son old enough to go into society wishes to do so, his card is
+left with his father's and mother's at the beginning of the season.
+He will then be invited to the functions given by the friends of his
+parents.
+
+When there is illness or mourning in the household, friends leave
+their cards with the words "To inquire," "Sincere condolence," or
+"Sympathy" written upon them.
+
+The card which accompanies wedding gifts should be the joint card of
+"Mr. and Mrs.," if the gift is sent jointly, and may well have the
+words "Best wishes and congratulations," written upon it.
+
+The initials "_P. p. c._," meaning "_Pour prendre conge_," or "To take
+leave," are written upon one's personal cards, which are then sent out
+to one's friends when one is going away from a place either
+permanently or for a long time. They are usually written in the lower
+left-hand corner of the card. These cards may be sent by post, when
+the person leaving town has not the time to make a personal visit.
+They are not used when leaving town for the summer.
+
+It is quite proper to send or leave "_P. p. c._" cards when one goes
+away from a summer resort, especially if the people to whom they are
+sent do not live during the year in the same town or city with the
+sender.
+
+It is no longer permissible to fold over the ends of a card, to
+signify that it was intended for all the members of the family.
+
+The birth of a child may be announced by a small card containing the
+full name of the child daintily engraved, with the date of the birth
+in the lower left-hand corner. The card is tied to the mother's card
+by white ribbon, and both are enclosed in one envelope and sent by
+post.
+
+Visiting cards for those who are in mourning are the same size as the
+ordinary card. The width of the black border is regulated by the
+degree of the relationship to the deceased.
+
+
+_The Engraved Invitation_
+
+A fine grade of heavy, unglazed, pure white paper, suede finish, in
+double sheet folded to a size about five by seven and a half inches,
+or less, inserted in an envelope of the same width but half the
+length, is used for the billet on which wedding invitations and
+announcements are engraved. The impress of the plate demarks a margin
+of about an inch.
+
+A heavy or medium grade of white bristol board is used for invitations
+to "At Homes," dinner, receptions, dances, and all like social
+functions for which the common visiting card is not used. The size
+used varies with the number of words in the invitation, and may be
+quite large, as for a club or society reception, or formal openings or
+special occasions where a business corporation is the host. These
+cards have the same plate margin as the wedding invitation, although
+it is much narrower. Only the most formal invitations have space left
+for the writing in of the name of the guest.
+
+The billet, however, has certain advantages, especially where the
+occasion is very formal and select, and the information which should
+be furnished the guest is considerable. Elegance of this sort is now
+very costly.
+
+Several styles of type are in use: namely, the script having close
+round letters, and being as nearly black as Roman or Old English when
+engraved; a script lighter and more cursive; an Old English lettering;
+a shaded Roman letter, which is constantly growing in popularity;
+shaded Caxton; solid and shaded French script; and a plain Roman block
+letter.
+
+The script is the type most commonly used, both because of its beauty
+and legibility, and because of the comparative inexpensiveness of
+engraving, the cost being about half of that of either the Old English
+or the shaded Roman type.
+
+It is obvious that the size of page in this book will not permit
+facsimile reproductions of specimens of invitations and other social
+forms, which in nearly every case require a different proportion of
+space than the page offers. Therefore, to reproduce the style of
+lettering used for these forms has not been attempted. The examples
+present correct wording and proportionate arrangement.
+
+The following plates, which are exact photographs of steel and copper
+engraving, present several styles of script, Old English, and shaded
+and plain Roman faces, but do not represent more than a few sizes, and
+those the most common.
+
+[Illustration: Type styles and sizes for invitations]
+
+        _at the Church of the Messiah_
+
+        _Two Dancing Parties_
+
+        _request the pleasure of_
+
+        _At Home_                 _At Home_
+
+        =announce the marriage of=
+
+        =BROOKLINE,                    MASSACHUSETTS=
+
+        =First Unitarian Church=
+
+        =request the honour of your presence=
+
+        _=Mr. and Mrs.=_              _=New Hampshire=_
+
+        =ANNOUNCE THE MARRIAGE OF=
+
+        =Mr. and Mrs.=
+
+                        =at Emmanuel Church=
+
+        =at Warren, Pennsylvania=
+
+        _=Mrs. William Howell Meade=_
+
+        _Mrs. William Howell Meade_
+
+        =Mrs. William Howell Meade=
+
+        =MRS. WILLIAM HOWELL MEADE=
+
+
+_Dining and Party Invitations_
+
+The engraved card invitation for a luncheon is usually worded as
+follows:
+
+            _Mrs. Everetts S. Sinclair
+        requests the pleasure of your company
+                  at Luncheon
+          on Tuesday, February nineteenth
+                at one o'clock
+                 Hotel Willard_
+
+The dinner invitation is identical, except that for "Luncheon" is
+substituted "Dinner," and the hour is usually half after seven or
+eight o'clock. To this, or to any other dining invitation, may be
+added in the lower left-hand corner the words "Please reply," or, "The
+favor of a reply is requested."
+
+The party invitation may take either of the two following forms:
+
+              _Mrs. Harold Harmon Williams
+           requests the pleasure of your company
+             at a dancing party to be given
+               at the Glendale Country Club
+        Wednesday evening, December the twenty-ninth
+             from eight until eleven o'clock_
+
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Fairfield Watson
+              request the pleasure of_
+
+              _company at The Somerset Club
+        on the evening of Friday the ninth of February
+               from nine until one o'clock
+        Dancing and Bridge     95 Jackson Boulevard_
+
+The blank invitation is very convenient, as it may be sent out at
+short notice, and is definite and personal. The following is a form
+which lends itself to any one of the usual kinds of home
+entertainment:
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. St. John Ambrose Lockwood
+        request the pleasure of_
+
+        ........................................
+
+        _company at_............................
+
+             _on_............................
+
+          _at_................................
+
+                                _97 Washington Avenue_
+
+When, on an engraved invitation of any sort, be it wedding or dinner
+or any other, a blank line or lines are left for the insertion of the
+name of the guest, there is danger that, unless this is done with
+great care and by an able penman, the beauty of the invitation be
+ruined, and therefore its cost thrown away. For that reason a wholly
+engraved invitation is perhaps better, unless the work of addressing
+them and inserting the name is to be done by a professional penman. Of
+course, when this is done and well done, there is a personal touch, a
+suggestion of individual welcome, which can be gained in no other way,
+and which the wholly engraved invitation lacks.
+
+When an entertainment is given by a family at some place other than
+their home, the invitations have the name of the place and the street
+address put in at the usual place on the invitation, and then in the
+lower right-hand corner the words "Please reply," with the home
+address.
+
+A bachelor or widower uses his name alone at the top of the
+invitation. He will, of course, provide a chaperon, who in many
+respects takes the place of a hostess and so acts, but her name does
+not appear upon his invitation, unless she be his sister or near
+relative. The invitation then becomes a joint one, after the usual
+form.
+
+A widower with daughters may send out invitations headed in either of
+the following forms:
+
+          _Mr. John Marquand_
+            _Miss Marquand_
+        _Miss Estelle Marquand_
+
+or
+
+         _Mr. John Marquand_
+        _The Misses Marquand_
+
+For a dinner followed by a dance there are two invitations, the one a
+dinner invitation at an early hour for the favored few, the other a
+dancing party invitation at a later hour.
+
+Clubs have blanks which may be filled in by their members when they
+wish to entertain. These are issued in the club name, and are like any
+other private invitation, except that at the bottom and to the left
+"Compliments of" is engraved, and the name of the member who is
+special host is written in.
+
+Invitations containing the words "_Bal Poudre_" signify that the
+entertainment is a masquerade or fancy dress party, and the guests are
+expected to come in fancy costume with powdered hair.
+
+The word "ball" is used of an elaborate formal dance, usually a public
+one given by some club or for charity, and rarely of a private dance.
+
+In spite of the predominance of the engraved invitation for the most
+formal affairs, still small dinners, and even receptions and dancing
+parties, are sometimes announced by the handwritten invitations. The
+form should be the same as the engraved one, although to very intimate
+friends it should be changed to a friendly note.
+
+Acceptances are in the form of the invitation. If that is an informal
+note, the acceptance or regret is sent in the same style. If the
+invitation is formal, the reply also should be written in the third
+person and be about as follows:
+
+             _Mr. and Mrs. Allston B. Sinclair
+        accept with pleasure the kind invitation of
+          Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Emanuel Farrington
+                     for dinner
+           on Thursday, the ninth of December
+             at half after eight o'clock_
+
+The reply to an invitation should be sent to the person or persons who
+issued it, never to any other member of the family, although such a
+one may be better known.
+
+To write the word "Regrets" on one's visiting card and send it in
+declination of any invitation is bad form, even if the invitation come
+in similar shape. One should always write a note of regret.
+
+Bachelors and widowers, who entertain at their apartments or studio or
+club, and army and navy officers never use the words "At Home," but
+always "request the pleasure (or honour) of your presence."
+
+If one is entertaining a guest and an invitation is received, one may
+with propriety ask the hostess for an invitation for one's guest, if
+the form of entertainment is so general as to make this right and
+reasonable; otherwise one must decline the invitation. It would not be
+right to ask for another dinner invitation, or one to a select group
+of people, where the guest would be an intruder.
+
+It is preferable and a much later form to use the words "Please
+reply," or "An early reply is requested," rather than the abbreviation
+"_R. s. v. p._" for "_Repondez, s'il vous plait_," meaning "Reply, if
+you please."
+
+If a son should return from college or other absence, and the parents
+wish to entertain for him, their invitations would have at the bottom
+the word "For" followed by his name.
+
+In sending out invitations, one should be sent to the father and
+mother jointly, one to each son separately, and one to the daughters
+jointly, the latter being addressed "The Misses Estabrook."
+
+Invitations should be sent to people in mourning, although they are
+not expected to accept. They should not be slighted or forgotten
+during such a period.
+
+
+_Wedding Invitations and Announcements_
+
+The following are the usual forms of wording for the wedding
+invitation:
+
+         _Mr. and Mrs. Reinhard Ernst Ormond_
+        _request the honour of your presence_
+         _at the marriage of their daughter_
+                      _Eida_
+                       _to_
+                 _Dr. Otto Bertelli_
+          _on Wednesday, the first of April_
+            _nineteen hundred and thirteen_
+                 _at twelve o'clock_
+                _Church of the Messiah_
+                 _St. Louis, Missouri_
+
+
+               _Mr. Arnold Hamilton Forsyth_
+           _requests the pleasure of your company_
+          _at the marriage reception of his daughter_
+                        _Margaret_
+                          _and_
+                    _Mr. Walter Mallory_
+        _on the evening of Wednesday, the twenty-ninth_
+                        _of June_
+            _one thousand nine hundred and twelve_
+                _from eight until ten o'clock_
+                      _17 Elm Hill Avenue_
+                   _Philadelphia, Pennsylvania_
+        _R. s. v. p._
+
+
+            _Dr. and Mrs. Maurice Howe Cavanaugh_
+                   _request the honour of_
+
+        _presence at the marriage of their daughter_
+                     _Rebecca Falmouth_
+                           _to_
+               _Mr. Charles Hunnewell Clark_
+               _on Monday, the ninth of July_
+                     _at eight o'clock_
+                 _Church of the Redeemer_
+                       _Washington_
+
+The usual form of marriage announcement is as follows:
+
+           _Mr. and Mrs. William T. Kimball_
+        _announce the marriage of their daughter_
+                  _Dorothy Lucinda_
+                          _to_
+                 _Mr. LeRoy L. Hallock_
+        _on Wednesday, the first day of December_
+          _one thousand nine hundred and twelve_
+                   _Chicago, Illinois_
+
+
+             _Mr. Arthur Edmand Sawyer_
+                      _and_
+           _Miss Emma Pauline Farrington_
+            _announce their marriage_
+         _on Sunday the sixteenth of July_
+        _one thousand nine hundred and ten_
+             _at Boston, Massachusetts_
+
+The "At Home" card of the bridal couple, which goes with a wedding
+invitation, does not have the name of the couple upon it, but reads
+simply
+
+                _At Home_
+        _after the first of November_
+          _1219 Pennsylvania Avenue_
+               _Washington_
+
+When an "At Home" card is included in a wedding _announcement_,
+however, the name of the couple appears upon it, as follows:
+
+              _Mr. and Mrs. Albion Frederick Marston_
+
+            _Will be at home_           _763 Chapel Avenue_
+        _after the first of August_         _Toronto_
+
+For the card of invitation to the wedding reception the wording is as
+follows:
+
+                  _Reception_
+        _immediately after the ceremony_
+              _Eight Salem Street_
+
+or
+
+                 _Reception_
+        _immediately after the ceremony_
+            _in the church parlors_
+
+In the case of a church wedding, it is always well to enclose with the
+invitation a small card reading: "Please present this card at the
+church on August the third."
+
+In case the wedding takes place in the country and invitations are
+sent to many friends in the city, a card giving directions as to what
+train to take, and where, which is to be presented to the conductor
+instead of a ticket, and which entitles the possessor to special
+accommodations, is enclosed with the invitation.
+
+Wedding invitations, or announcements, and their accompanying cards,
+are enclosed in two envelopes, one within the other, of the same
+stock as the billets. Upon the outer is written the name of the person
+and his street address; upon the inner only the name of the one for
+whom it is intended.
+
+Wedding invitations should be addressed to "Mrs. Chandler Jones," on
+the outside envelope. Within this is a second envelope addressed to
+"Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones." The older custom is to address the
+outside envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones," as well as the
+inside. The lady of the house is now, however, beginning to be looked
+upon as head of its social affairs, as her husband is of its business
+affairs, and hence the style of addressing invitations to her.
+
+The words "And Family" are no longer used after the parents' names,
+but separate invitations are sent to the members.
+
+It is quite the courteous thing to include among the people invited to
+a wedding, especially if it is to be in a church, the special business
+friends and associates of the bridegroom-elect, his father, and the
+bride's father.
+
+In case the invitations are for the ceremony only at a church wedding,
+the address of the bride's parents should be embossed upon the outside
+envelope.
+
+Acquaintances purely professional do not receive cards to a wedding.
+One's physician, however, if his family is prominent socially, may be
+included among the guests.
+
+Announcement cards should be quite ready to post immediately after the
+ceremony. They should be sent to all the circle of friends and
+acquaintances of both the bride's and the bridegroom's families, save
+to those who have been invited to the marriage or the wedding
+reception.
+
+The announcement of an "At Home" or reception should always be made on
+a separate card,--not on a corner of the wedding invitation or
+announcement.
+
+An immediate reply is necessary when one is invited to a home wedding.
+If the wedding is a church wedding, and there is no reception
+following it, one makes no reply if one intends to be present, but
+sends one's card upon the date set, if one cannot attend.
+
+
+_Various Announcement Cards_
+
+In case of the postponement of a wedding or a dinner or reception
+because of some grave accident or illness, the cancellation of the
+invitations, or the announcement of the postponement, should be
+engraved and sent out at the earliest possible date.
+
+For a wedding it may read somewhat as follows:
+
+                _Mr. and Mrs. Maynard S. Taylor_
+                      _regret to announce_
+        _that on account of serious illness in the family_
+               _the marriage of their daughter_
+               _Emmeline and Mr. Fosdick Arlington_
+                _will be indefinitely postponed_
+
+A family which has passed through a period of calamity and bereavement
+may wish to make some acknowledgment of the attentions of friends, and
+may do so in some such form as follows:
+
+          _The brothers and sisters of_
+            _Dr. Ralph J. Harkins_
+            _gratefully acknowledge_
+        _your kind expression of sympathy_
+
+The special "At Home" card which is used for a reception in honor of a
+friend or guest may contain the name of the friend either on the first
+or the last line of the invitation, with the words "To meet" before
+it; as:
+
+              _Mrs. Ernest L. Lafricain_
+                       _At Home_
+           _Thursday, December twenty-third_
+                   _from four to six_
+            _275 Grand Pre Avenue, Montreal_
+        _To meet Mrs. Jackson Seymour Montgomery_
+
+For a general reception the following form is good:
+
+            _Mr. and Mrs. Henry Illington Bray_
+                _Mr. and Mrs. Harold Bray_
+           _request the honor of your presence_
+                   _on New Year's Day_
+        _from four until half after seven o'clock_
+                 _174 Albemarle Street_
+                        _Winnipeg_
+
+The private engraved card for Christmas and New Year greetings, which
+may be sent to one's entire list of friends, is much in favor. Great
+distinction and individuality of design and selection of sentiment may
+be obtained by this means. The following is an appropriate form:
+
+                              "_The glory breaks
+        And Christmas comes once more_"
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. Nathaniel Clarke Sutherland
+                   cordially greet_
+
+          _with every good wish of the Season_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC
+
+
+THE test of the depth of one's courtesy is found in one's attitude to
+strangers and the public at large. If one observes toward them the
+little courtesies, then one may be safely trusted to keep to the
+highest ideal of social intercourse in times of emergency and rigid
+testing.
+
+Always in a public place the real gentleman and lady will be
+unobtrusive, speaking quietly, and showing in their manner that they
+each believe himself and herself but a single unit in the world of
+humanity, and therefore not entitled to monopolize attention. They
+will go about their business with none of that idle curiosity which
+forms the street crowd.
+
+In places of public amusement, they will show true courtesy by not
+coming in late,--that is, by being on time or missing the performance.
+They will not rustle their programs needlessly. They will so dispose
+of their coats and wraps that others will not be inconvenienced by
+them, even if it takes them an extra ten minutes at the close of the
+evening to obtain them from the cloak room.
+
+They will not talk or whisper to each other during speaking or singing
+on the stage, or at any time when so doing will make it difficult for
+others to hear what is going on. They will applaud temperately, and
+with only that degree of fervor which is for the best interests of the
+audience and the actors as a whole. That is, at a concert they will
+not so applaud one artist as to break up the program.
+
+At formal business meetings they will take pains to conform to
+Parliamentary usage, which is really only the etiquette of debate, and
+will not insist upon rights which have been ruled out, or in word or
+manner express a disorderly spirit. "The greatest good of the largest
+number" will be the rule of their deportment in public.
+
+At a social occasion of any sort, every one present is under
+obligation to do what he can to add to the general pleasure. If he
+cannot or will not, he should remain away. If he is asked to play a
+musical instrument or sing, he should do so without urging, for his
+talents, except in very special cases wherein he would not be asked,
+are or should be at the disposal of the company, or at the request of
+his hostess. Any voluntary or requested performance of this sort may
+be as brief as he pleases, and should be brief, unless his talent is
+so great that there can be no possible doubt of its acceptability, and
+he is in a generous mood,--a combination of circumstances rare in any
+but the most talented circles.
+
+If you turn the pages of music for a musician, do so in a quiet and
+self-forgetful manner. Interest in you is quite subordinate to
+interest in the performer.
+
+Do not by extravagant applause encourage parlor recitations, for
+mediocre talent is always profuse.
+
+It is a mark of good breeding to control or at least conceal one's
+moods, so that in company one always appears to be content, if not
+happy. It adds much to the happiness of others to give this
+impression, and is therefore generous as well as wise.
+
+It is always rude to interrupt with conversation, or yawning, or any
+motion, a musical performance, or any entertainment whether public or
+private, in which those about one are interested. One should retire if
+he cannot refrain.
+
+Behavior in church may be taught in one great principle, providing
+that principle is fundamental enough. The sense of reverence for the
+things of the spiritual life may be felt, if not comprehended, by even
+the child. No amount of "Don't's," if the spirit of worship be not
+instilled, will avail to make the child of any age an attentive and
+reverent worshiper or even attendant at church.
+
+The sense of worship will forbid whispering and chatting with friends,
+the noisy turning of the leaves of hymn-book or Bible, or an
+indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in prayer.
+
+Another sign of the same reverence is the careful observance of
+punctuality at the service. A church service is, by its very nature, a
+more intimate and important service to the attendant than any other.
+Therefore, to come in late, thus distracting the attention of those
+who have gone to church for meditation or worship, is a far more
+flagrant offense against the rights of others, than is the disturbing
+of their pleasure at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance.
+
+The habit of a vacant or absent mind in company is a grave fault, and
+works greatly to the detriment of one's reputation for intelligence,
+in spite of all else that one may do to establish it.
+
+Straightforward attentiveness is the attitude of most profit and
+enjoyment in society. One learns then what other people are thinking
+about, and becomes more and more active mentally. Such an attitude
+establishes the confidence of others in one's sincerity and
+intelligence.
+
+Inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm. No one cares to talk twice
+with a person who, no matter what his wit or ability to entertain, has
+betrayed one into divulging facts or making remarks which he regrets.
+
+Upon the street a gentleman always takes the outside of the walk, when
+with a lady, the custom having come down from the days when dangers
+beset the path, and the man had to be at the point of vantage for the
+protection of the woman.
+
+When a married woman and an unmarried girl are walking together, the
+married woman takes the outside of the walk.
+
+In passing single file other people or some obstacle, the gentleman
+always steps back and allows the lady to precede him. If, however, the
+way is crowded or there is necessity that she should be protected, he
+goes first.
+
+In entering a hotel dining-room the lady always goes first.
+
+A lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless she is blind, infirm, or
+crippled, or in a turbulent crowd.
+
+The considerate person will not enter even a public hotel late at
+night, much less a home, his own or any other, in a noisy, careless
+fashion. Those who are asleep deserve as great consideration as if
+they were awake, and more also.
+
+The modern courtesy of letting each one pay for himself in a car, a
+train, a restaurant, or a theatre, is a much more rational one than
+the older form of permitting one to act as host, as if he were in his
+own house. A gentleman might offer to pay for others, if he wished to,
+but he should not insist upon paying; nor should any one carelessly or
+designedly permit his expenses to be paid by another, unless he
+himself expects to offer equal hospitality at another time.
+
+In entering a carriage or automobile, one should step promptly,
+without either loitering or haste. If one is to sit facing the horses
+or the front of the automobile, and there is but one step to take, one
+puts the left foot on it. If there are two steps, the right foot
+should take the first, the left the second. If one is to face in the
+opposite direction from what the vehicle is going, one should use the
+right foot first in case of the one step, and the left foot first in
+case of the two.
+
+When two ladies who are guest and hostess are driving together, the
+guest should enter first, taking the farther seat, facing the front of
+the carriage, so that it will not be necessary for her hostess to pass
+her. When a mother and daughter enter a carriage, the mother precedes,
+and the daughter sits by her side if no other lady is present. In case
+of two daughters, the elder sits by the side of the mother, and the
+younger sits opposite.
+
+The fashionable hours for driving are from two-thirty to five in the
+winter, and from three to six-thirty in the summer.
+
+Young women never ride horseback in cities or in public parks without
+an escort. In the country the rule is not so rigidly enforced. In case
+a groom is the escort, he rides slightly behind, keeping watch that he
+may be of service.
+
+A riding-habit should be absolutely neat, simple, and inconspicuous.
+The hat should be plain, the hair compactly done, and the whole effect
+of the costume trim serviceableness and grace, rather than prettiness.
+
+In mounting a horse a woman gathers up her habit in her left hand, and
+stands close to the horse with her right hand on the pommel of the
+saddle. The man who assists her stoops and places his right hand with
+the palm up at a convenient distance from the ground. The lady then
+puts her left foot into his hand, and springs up into the saddle with
+his assistance.
+
+It is necessary, first, to have a firm seat; secondly, a skillful hand
+on the rein. One should sit in the middle of the saddle, in an easy,
+natural position, with the body not stiff but supple and responsive to
+the motion of the horse. The elbows should be well in to the side, in
+a line with the shoulders, and the hands should be relaxed and yet
+responsive to the slightest pull of the rein.
+
+It is no longer considered wise and necessary for a woman to use a
+side saddle. In the freedom of a graceful divided skirt, she strides
+the saddle as do the men, and therefore has an equal chance with them
+to ride gracefully and safely,--a privilege which fashion long denied.
+
+To keep to the right always is the only safe rule in the United
+States. In England and Canada the rule of keeping to the left is
+observed with the same rigidity.
+
+In business life it is not good form to dine with your employer. This
+does not include a ban upon those business dinners, where there is a
+group of people, the majority of them men, with one or two unmarried
+business women of equal or superior business standing, who meet over
+the dinner table to talk of business problems. That occasion has its
+own etiquette, and one which the business man or woman readily
+fashions for himself or herself, and which follows the rules of
+business expediency rather than social life.
+
+It is not necessary to recognize in society a strictly business
+acquaintance unless you wish to do so.
+
+Neatness demands that the traveler always carry his own toilet
+articles, and not depend upon the public supplies, which are,
+however, supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emergencies.
+
+The dress for traveling should be plain and simple, suited to the need
+rather than elaborate. The effect of crumpled finery is so very
+unpleasant that no person of taste will make a display of it in a
+public conveyance.
+
+If you wish to leave your seat in a train, a coat or bag placed upon
+it is sufficient to reserve it for you. The removal of a coat or bag
+so placed is a very great rudeness.
+
+A gentleman will give up his seat to two ladies, or to a gentleman and
+lady traveling together, as he can be more readily accommodated in the
+single seats than can they.
+
+It is courteous for a gentleman who has a vacant place in the seat
+with him to offer it to a lady who is standing, and so prevent her
+from feeling that she is intruding in taking it, if there are no other
+seats vacant.
+
+When a man opens a door for a woman who is a stranger, or offers her
+any other civility, or begs pardon for some blunder, he takes off his
+hat to her.
+
+While traveling alone, it is not necessary or wise to be resentful of
+polite remarks or attentions. They should be met with equal
+politeness. Quiet dignity and tact will terminate without offense any
+conversation which has grown too familiar or tedious.
+
+The comfort of all in the car, not of one individual, should be
+consulted in the opening of windows and doors, and the consent of
+those sitting near should be gained.
+
+It is a grave breach of good manners to monopolize a dressing-room for
+quite a period of time. One should be as expeditious as possible, and
+should not seriously inconvenience others, even if he deprives himself
+of some of the comfort he desires.
+
+It is not well to travel unless you can afford it. If you can and do
+travel, deal courteously and generously with those who serve you.
+
+Ask questions only of officials of the road or the ship, or of
+policemen in the street.
+
+The exchange of visiting cards with strangers, unless under unusual
+circumstances, is unwise and bad form.
+
+Ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself, unless she is under escort of
+a relative or intimate friend to whom she gives the right to pay for
+her. When she enters a car alone and there meets an acquaintance, she
+always pays her own fare, unless the acquaintance may be an old and
+intimate friend.
+
+When a lady is taking a long trip under escort of some gentleman
+friend, it is proper for her to reimburse him for his expenditures in
+her behalf. She should hand him her purse with which to purchase her
+ticket.
+
+The munching of nuts, fruit, or candy in a crowded public conveyance
+is a serious offense against those about you. A neat lunch, quietly
+eaten at an appropriate hour, is not offensive and is quite
+permissible. But one should not impose even the odor of food upon
+people who are forced to be near, and who may find it extremely
+disagreeable.
+
+The recent passage and enforcement of laws regarding expectoration in
+public places is a great step in advance, and must be rigidly
+maintained for the sake of the public health. The chewing of gum,
+while no menace to society, is as unesthetic and disgusting as
+expectoration, and should fall under as righteous if not as severe a
+ban.
+
+In a car or train do not fan yourself so vigorously that the person in
+front of you feels the air current upon the back of his neck. A book
+or newspaper should not be placed so that it rubs constantly against
+the hat of the person in the seat in front.
+
+Pushing, shoving, and all like methods of getting people to move out
+of your way, or of getting ahead of others, are marks of great
+rudeness, and have a tendency to retard rather than aid one's progress
+through a crowd or into a car. The quiet, good-natured crowd disperses
+most rapidly.
+
+At the ferry and all prepayment places, have the right change in
+hand, so that you do not keep back those who are in a rush to catch a
+boat or a car, by fumbling for your money or making the receiver make
+change.
+
+Do not carry an umbrella carelessly. You are as culpable if you injure
+another as another would be if he injured you.
+
+To converse in loud tones or talk of personal matters anywhere in
+public shows great lack of fine feeling and good breeding.
+
+Never show hostility, nor permit people to quarrel with you. The
+irritability which crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary to
+adhere, from principle, to the rule of strict good-will toward all.
+
+If you are escorting a woman, do not permit her to suffer any
+discomfort; but if, by chance, she does, do not pick a quarrel with
+the person who caused it. Firmly but quietly afford her protection,
+but do not demand satisfaction for discomforts or insults for which
+there is no satisfaction and whose discussion only increases the
+offense.
+
+A lady need feel no embarrassment if she is obliged to spend a few
+days in a hotel alone. Upon entering she would go to the desk and make
+arrangements for a room. When the choice is made she surrenders her
+hand bag to the bell-boy, who conducts her to her room. She should,
+for her own convenience and protection, deposit valuables or large
+sums of money with the hotel proprietor in the office safe. Then the
+responsibility becomes his, but he does not assume it if they are left
+in the room. Upon leaving her room, she should lock her trunks and
+door, and leave the key with the clerk at the desk.
+
+A lady's deportment in a hotel is that of quiet reserve, but not of
+haughty distance. She should dress simply and plainly, so as not to
+attract attention, as she is in a public place. The only time when
+elegant dress is permissible at a hotel is when one is with an escort,
+or is one of a group of people so dressed in order to attend some
+function.
+
+A lady will not stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, will not
+loiter about the hotel office, or walk out alone upon the piazza or
+any conspicuous place, or stand at the windows of the parlor. She will
+remember that she is in a public place, where she may encounter all
+classes of people, so she will not permit herself any of the liberties
+of a home. She will not go through the halls humming or singing, or
+take a book or newspaper from the public parlor and carry it off to
+her room, even if she does shortly return it. She will not, even in
+her own room, make such noise as will attract attention or disturb
+other guests.
+
+She will not call a cab herself, but will summon a bell-boy and have
+him attend to it. After her baggage is packed she will let the
+servants attend to it, even to the handing her of her umbrella and
+hand bag after she is in the carriage. She will never take the liberty
+of chiding a servant, but will make a necessary complaint to the clerk
+at the desk.
+
+To open a window in the parlor of a hotel, when others are by and may
+be discomforted, is a breach of politeness. Also it is not right that
+even an accomplished musician or singer should use the piano of the
+hotel parlor, if others are in the room, unless he has received a
+unanimous invitation to do so.
+
+One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or the dining-room without
+being thought forward or intrusive, and also may respond to such
+greetings without compromise, as such acquaintance does not imply or
+demand recognition elsewhere.
+
+A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table, will decide quickly what
+dishes she wishes, and order them distinctly but quietly. She will
+wait patiently to be served, without any display of embarrassment. It
+is allowable to read a newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not
+good taste to bring books to the table at any time. If she desires a
+dish which she sees, but the name of which she does not know, she will
+not point to it, but will indicate it to the waiter by her glance and
+her description.
+
+If she has friends or makes table acquaintances, she will talk with
+them in a low tone. She will never talk with some one at another
+table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such as the passing of food,
+is offered her by either a lady or a gentleman, she will express her
+thanks, but will not start a conversation.
+
+The usual good manners of cultivated people, emphasized by the
+additional restraint which the presence of the public imposes, is a
+safe standard of etiquette in a hotel.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+THE ART OF BEING A GUEST
+
+
+JUST as the host and hostess, in sending out an invitation, obligate
+themselves to make everything as enjoyable as possible for their
+guest, so a guest, in accepting, obligates himself or herself to meet
+the efforts of the host and hostess at least halfway. Success in the
+art of being a guest depends more upon the spirit in which one accepts
+of entertainment than upon the entertainment offered.
+
+A formal dinner is one of the most solemn obligations of society.
+After having once accepted the invitation, only death or mortal
+illness is an excuse for not attending.
+
+One may attend a formal reception and not expend more than twenty
+minutes of time, if one wishes to be very prompt. The round of social
+duty there is brief. A lady removes her wrap, but not her hat or
+gloves, in the dressing-room, and thence goes directly to the
+drawing-room. The guest here greets the host and hostess, briefly if
+the reception is large and the flow of incoming guests constant, then
+passes to the room where the refreshments are served. After partaking
+of these, the guest may leave without bidding adieu to the hostess,
+unless the reception is small and she is free to speak a second time
+with her guests.
+
+If one is present at an afternoon tea or reception, it is not always
+necessary to call afterwards; yet, many hostesses expect such a call
+if the affair has been formal. One should certainly call after a tea
+given to introduce a debutante, or a wedding reception, or one given
+in honor of some special person or event.
+
+If a guest is not pleased with the food provided at a luncheon or
+dinner, or for any special reason cannot eat of any one dish, he
+should try and satisfy himself with something else, and make no
+comment upon it, doing his utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking
+that she has not well provided for him.
+
+At a dancing party a young man should assist his hostess in seeing
+that all the young ladies have an equal chance to dance, and that none
+are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth of partners. His
+obligation to his hostess and to society should be thus honored, as it
+is not, of course, a private affair for his own amusement, and as upon
+him, more than upon the young women, depends its success.
+
+It is necessary that introductions be freely made at a dancing party,
+in order that all may enjoy the evening, and every one should try to
+make all his friends acquainted with each other.
+
+A young woman remains seated by the side of her chaperon until asked
+to dance. After a dance her partner returns with her to the chaperon.
+
+If the son of the hostess requests a dance of a young woman, she
+should give it unless her program is quite full. If for any reason she
+refuses a dance to one man, she should not give it to another, but
+should sit it out. A woman, having once promised a dance, should
+fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so, in which case she will
+dance no more during the evening. The young man who is thus refused is
+free, having returned with her to her chaperon, to seek another
+partner.
+
+Unless a young couple are engaged to each other, they should not dance
+together so often as to be conspicuous. Nor may they disappear into
+secluded corners and sit out dances. It is poor taste and very
+questionable etiquette, even if engaged.
+
+When asked to dance, a woman hands the man her program, saying, "I am
+not engaged for that dance, and will be pleased to give it to you."
+After the dance the man may thank the woman for it, and she may make
+some remark to express her pleasure in it.
+
+If a man is delayed in claiming a woman for the promised dance, he
+should make profuse apologies.
+
+A man dances first with the woman he escorts, or with the daughters of
+the hostess, or her guests in the house. Afterward he may choose for
+himself, always remembering that he should assist his hostess in
+giving a good time to all.
+
+A woman always makes the first move toward going home at every social
+gathering. At a dance it is not necessary to say good-night to the
+hostess unless there is a good opportunity.
+
+If a man is suddenly called away, he should try to find partners for
+the ladies with whom he engaged dances, and should explain his leaving
+to them.
+
+It is not obligatory, but simply a pleasant custom, for a man to send
+flowers to the young woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing
+party. When she is his fiancee, it is especially appropriate and
+appreciated.
+
+When one is on a visit, or at a house or weekend party, one has to
+follow the style of dress of the people whom one is visiting, so no
+hard and fast rules can be laid down. One should have suitable
+garments for each of the forms of recreation which one is to enjoy,
+and should follow quite closely the requirements of the hour.
+
+When traveling, small, plain hats and tidily draped veils are
+necessary. For mountain visits, thicker clothing and heavier wraps
+will be in demand, than are used in the city. When it is the custom to
+dress for dinner, one should always adhere to it, and so plan one's
+hours that nothing interferes with so doing and being prompt as well.
+
+A guest should not claim the entire time of her hostess. The hours
+between breakfast and lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her
+household and family duties, and the guest should entertain herself
+during them.
+
+No guest should ever accept an invitation to an entertainment, a
+drive, or any other amusement without first consulting with her
+hostess. If, having friends in the same city or town, she has
+invitations from them for special occasions, she should inform her
+hostess of them promptly, that two plans may not be made for the same
+date.
+
+Unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble, she never suggests
+retiring. That is the duty of the hostess.
+
+A guest should take pains to arrive when expected. If she has promised
+a visit, she should keep her promise, unless matters of serious
+illness or grave moment forbid it, in which case a prompt and
+explanatory apology is imperative.
+
+The guest should decide with her hostess, early in her stay, upon the
+date of her departure, if that has not been already settled in the
+form of the invitation, and should then abide rigidly by it, allowing
+nothing but the most earnest importunity on the part of her hostess
+personally, and for clearly shown and newly arising reasons, to detain
+her longer.
+
+The guest should be pleased and well entertained with everything that
+is done for her amusement, or should appear to be so. If she cannot
+give herself up to the enjoyment of the sort of entertainment which
+her host and hostess provide, she should not accept the invitation to
+visit them.
+
+The guest should be punctual at meals and conform in every particular
+to the ways of the household. She should not arrive in the living-room
+or drawing-room at hours when there will be none to entertain her, and
+when it would embarrass her hostess to know that she was unattended.
+To sit up after the family has gone to bed, to lie in bed after the
+entire family have risen, to be late at meals, to be writing an
+important letter or doing some mending when the carriage is at the
+door for a drive, or wish to go to drive when the carriage has been
+dismissed, to be too tired to attend the dinner or reception given in
+one's honor, to fail to keep appointments for the stroll or some sport
+because one wants to do something else,--these things show a total
+lack of consideration on the part of the guest, and make it
+impossible to enjoy her stay or wish for her return.
+
+At times which seem appropriate it is well to retire to one's room and
+leave the family by themselves. It is not necessary for the family
+life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to the guest. Hospitality
+would be more generously shown if it did not make so many unnecessary
+demands upon the time and comfort of the members of the family.
+
+The guest should never take sides in any family discussion, and if
+anything unpleasant occurs, she should ignore it entirely, and not
+seem to know anything about it or take any interest in it.
+
+It is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to one's hosts to retail any
+information one may have acquired on a visit, or discuss their
+characteristics and management with any one.
+
+A guest need not attend religious services, or be present at the calls
+of commonplace people, or enter into local philanthropies, unless he
+wishes to do so. True hospitality relieves him from all sense of
+obligation in these matters. If, however, carriages are provided so
+that guests may attend church, or guests are told of the hour for
+family worship and are invited to be present, it is more courteous to
+attend.
+
+Guests at country houses should be willing to take hold and help in
+any emergency, such as the absence or sickness of the servants, and
+should be willing to join heartily in the country frolics where work
+is usually to be shared by all.
+
+In the country people visit in large parties, so when one is invited
+to go on an excursion or with a crowd to visit some neighbor, one
+should not hesitate for fear of being one too many.
+
+One should follow the wish of the host or hostess in regard to giving
+the servants some gratuity for service rendered, if that wish is
+known; otherwise, unless there is an accepted rule to the contrary, it
+is well to give, when leaving, a small gift of money to such of the
+servants as have been especially helpful. One should always treat
+servants with consideration and kindness, if not with generosity. It
+is better to be less lavish with money and more painstaking in
+remembering personally the people who have served you, renewing
+acquaintance with them if opportunity offers, treating them in a human
+way, and not with the indifference with which you would treat a
+mechanism.
+
+If a gift is given, it should be done unostentatiously. The tactful,
+quiet way of doing it, free from patronage, and showing only good-will
+and gratitude for service rendered, is the only polite way. Money
+never compensates for haughtiness and brusqueness, and the gentleman
+or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of the feelings of even an
+incompetent servant.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS
+
+
+HOSPITALITY is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and
+its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous
+consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly
+entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give
+happiness.
+
+The pleasant custom of serving tea each day at five o'clock is one
+which admits of great enjoyment. The man of the house tries to be at
+home for the quiet social hour before the family dinner. The young
+people of the family are gathering after the day's dispersion. The
+friends, who are out calling or on their way home, drop in for a
+pleasant chat; and the charming hostess has time for many glimpses of
+friends, and chance also to say the right word to some friend in need
+of cheer, who knew that she could be found at her daily hour of
+welcome.
+
+The custom of receiving on a certain day of the week is a sensible and
+hospitable one. If one has such an "At Home" day, it is more polite
+for friends to call on that day than on any other. If a lady has,
+however, sent out cards announcing that she is "At Home" on
+"Wednesdays in January and February," one should not call on those
+days unless one has received the card having the special invitation.
+
+Some receive once a month during the season. They have the day
+engraved on their card, as "The first Friday until Lent," or "The
+second Wednesday until April."
+
+The custom of sending out cards for a certain day throughout one month
+avoids a "crush" on any one day, and enables a hostess to receive
+informally without giving up a great part of her time.
+
+The informal entertainment is a greater compliment to guests than any
+formal entertainment, however splendid.
+
+The hostess should preserve the happy medium between neglecting and
+overattending to her guests.
+
+When a hostess wishes to have her friends meet an expected guest, she
+should inform them of the intended visit beforehand, and so enable
+them to make an engagement to meet her, or plan entertainment for her.
+Invitations to a reception in honor of a friend can well be, and
+should be, sent out in advance of her coming, if her stay is to be
+short, and if the dates of her stay are definitely known.
+
+At a reception for the introduction of a friend, the hostess and the
+guest of honor will stand near the door of the drawing-room and
+receive. If the reception is very large, the butler announces the
+names of the guests as they enter. The hostess gives her hand to the
+newcomer, and presents her to the guest of honor. After a few words of
+greeting, the caller passes on into the room where the refreshments
+are served.
+
+The refreshments usually consist of dainty sandwiches, salads, perhaps
+creamed oysters or chicken, bouillon, chocolate, coffee, or lemonade.
+
+Afternoon teas are less formal and less elaborate than receptions. The
+refreshments consist of tea, with thin slices of bread and butter,
+thin biscuits, and cake.
+
+At a dancing party the hostess receives, together with her daughters
+and any guests whom she honors by asking. The host may receive, as
+well, but his chief duty is to keep a watchful eye upon his guests,
+looking out for the chaperons, and seeing that the young people are
+supplied with partners for the dances.
+
+At a debutante party the mother stands nearest the drawing-room door,
+the daughter next her, and the father beyond. The mother greets each
+guest and then introduces the daughter. At the supper or dinner her
+brother or father takes out the debutante, who sits at her father's
+left. In case her brother takes her out, her father takes out the
+oldest or most honored lady present.
+
+The successful host and hostess see to it that all their guests are
+introduced to each other, if this is possible, so that the best of
+cordiality and the least restraint may characterize their mingling.
+
+
+_Breakfasts and Luncheons_
+
+Breakfasts may be homelike, informal affairs, or quite ceremonious.
+The hour of this meal is at any time before one o'clock, usually
+twelve or twelve-thirty. After one o'clock the affair becomes a
+luncheon.
+
+Men are invited to a breakfast, but usually at a luncheon the guests
+are all women.
+
+A real breakfast menu, such as is often served on Sunday mornings in
+the country, consists of fruit, cereal, a chop, or steak, or
+fishballs, with potatoes, eggs in some form, muffins or hot rolls, and
+coffee, waffles or hot cakes, or, in New England, doughnuts.
+
+The menu for luncheon consists usually of soup, fruit, lobster in
+cutlets or croquettes, with mushrooms, or omelet, or fish; broiled
+chicken, or lamb chops, with green peas and potatoes; a salad,
+crackers and cheese; ice cream, with coffee, tea, or chocolate.
+
+At a breakfast or luncheon, as at a dinner, every effort should be
+made to be punctual. The success of such an occasion may be ruined by
+a tardy guest.
+
+At a luncheon one removes wraps and veils in the dressing-room,
+retaining one's hat and gloves, the latter being removed at table, and
+resumed in the drawing-room after the meal, unless cards are the form
+of entertainment.
+
+As the guests enter the drawing-room the hostess shakes hands with
+them and introduces them to one another before going to the
+dining-room. When no men are present the hostess leads the way to the
+dining-room, and the guests find their places at the table by the name
+cards. When men are present the procedure to the dining-room follows
+the custom at a formal dinner.
+
+It is becoming customary to use the daylight as much as possible at
+all social functions; and, indeed, at no affair, unless it be very
+late in the afternoon and very ceremonious, is the daylight excluded
+and the candles and chandeliers lighted.
+
+
+_The Formal Dinner_
+
+The most enjoyable dinner is that with four or six guests, which is
+served in a simple and only semiformal way. This enables a hostess to
+bring together only congenial people, and the group is small enough
+for the talk to be largely general, and thence especially valuable, as
+each brings his wittiest stories, his clearest thoughts, and his best
+self to the appreciative and inspiring circle.
+
+The formal dinner is usually set for seven o'clock, or half after, or
+eight. The elaborate dinner will take from an hour to two hours,
+according to the number of courses and the efficiency of the service.
+There should be a waiter for every six people, although at a small
+dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers without much delay.
+
+The invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks ahead. No
+more people should be asked than can be comfortably seated and
+speedily served. Twenty inches at the very least should be allowed to
+each cover. Children are never present at a ceremonious dinner.
+
+In choosing guests every effort should be made to have them congenial,
+with no glaring divergence of opinions, which would by any means make
+any one uncomfortable if the conversation were to become general. In
+seating the guests, only congenial people should be placed side by
+side. The intellectual harmony of a dinner is as important as the
+culinary harmony.
+
+Ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner, and remove them only at table,
+resuming them when dinner is over and the guests have returned to the
+drawing-room.
+
+The dining-room must be quietly but well lighted. There should be no
+glaring lights, but a soft radiance which is so general as to make
+everything clear. An electric light hanging eighteen inches above the
+table, or a tall lamp whose light is at about the same height, either
+of them well shaded, are satisfactory additions to the candlelight.
+
+Sometimes high lights are dispensed with and only candles used.
+Candles should always be lighted three minutes before the dinner is
+announced. For a dinner of not more than eight covers four candles are
+sufficient light.
+
+Relatives are not seated side by side, as the effort is to have a
+general mingling of the company. A clever hostess will see that her
+guests at a small dinner party are all introduced to each other before
+they enter the dining-room.
+
+The table may be round, oval, or rectangular, but if too narrow it
+cannot be made to look well.
+
+The tablecloth is always spread for a dinner. A thick pad of felt or
+double-faced cotton flannel should go under the tablecloth. The damask
+should be immaculate and of good quality. The tablecloth should hang
+almost to the floor at the corners.
+
+At each place there is a card on which the guest's name is written.
+These place cards often have the monogram of the hostess in the center
+and are otherwise blank, except for the name written on.
+
+The place cards at a dinner should be laid immediately before the
+plates of the guests or on the napkins, which are folded squarely, and
+of sufficient size to be of real usefulness.
+
+In setting the table, the spoons for soup, dessert, and coffee are
+arranged at the top of the plate; the knives and forks, the latter of
+several sizes, are placed on either hand, in order of use, and the
+small plate for bread, olives, etc., is on the right.
+
+In eating, the oyster fork is the first used, and then one takes the
+next in order. Should one be in doubt, the rule is to glance at the
+hostess and adopt her method, whatever that may be.
+
+On elegant tables, each cover, or plate, is accompanied by two large
+silver knives, a small silver knife, and fork for fish, a small fork
+for oysters on the half-shell, a large tablespoon for soup, and three
+large forks. The folded napkin is laid in the center, with a piece of
+bread in it. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork.
+
+A half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for each person, unless at a
+country dinner, where a full ladleful may be given without offense.
+
+Individual salts or salt cellars are now placed at each plate, and it
+is not improper to take salt with the tip of the knife in lieu of a
+spoon.
+
+The place plates stand under the oyster or soup plates and under any
+course when it is desirable to have them. Plates must be warmed or
+chilled according to the temperature of the food which is to be served
+in them.
+
+The indispensable courses of a dinner are soup, fish, roast, salad,
+and dessert. In arranging her menu, however, each hostess will suit
+herself to her pocketbook and to what she considers good form in the
+amount and kind of food.
+
+The formal dinner should be served in a very leisurely style.
+
+At the daily family dinner as well as at formal dinners, all the
+ladies of the house and among the guests should be helped before any
+of the men are served, even if some distinguished guest is among the
+latter.
+
+It is not necessary to wait until all are served before beginning to
+eat at a dinner, but wait until the hostess has commenced to eat.
+
+Butter is not served at a formal dinner, and bread is laid in the
+napkin beside the plate.
+
+There should be no urging of guests to eat. It is assumed that a guest
+is not afraid to eat as much as he wants.
+
+When the fruit napkin is brought in, the user takes it from the glass
+plate on which it is laid, and either places it at his right hand, or
+on his knees. The doily beneath the finger bowl is not meant for use,
+but should be laid on the table beside the finger bowl.
+
+After the dinner has been eaten, and dessert is reached, everything is
+cleared off but the tablecloth, which is now never removed. A dessert
+spoon is put before each guest, and a gold or silver spoon, a silver
+dessert spoon and fork, and often a queer little combination of fork
+and spoon called an ice spoon. For the after-dinner coffee a very
+small spoon is used.
+
+Coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the table, or later in the
+drawing-room. Cream is never served with a demi-tasse.
+
+The napkin should be left lying loosely beside the plate after a meal.
+
+In case either a guest or a servant meets with any accident one should
+pass it over with as much speed as possible and turn the attention of
+all immediately toward some interesting matter. A mistake should be
+completely ignored by both hosts and guests.
+
+Whenever a course is offered which you do not enjoy, never decline it,
+but accept it, and endeavor to take a small portion at least of it.
+You avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste of those who like it,
+and put your hostess at ease.
+
+No personal preferences in foods are to be consulted or mentioned
+when one is a guest at dinner. If one cannot accept of the fare
+offered, one should have declined the invitation.
+
+Should a guest be late, the hostess need not wait more than fifteen
+minutes for him, after which time, if he appear, the host rises from
+the table to greet him and cover the interruption of his entrance, but
+the hostess does not leave her place. If he does not come until after
+the second course, he is served only as the others are served, and no
+attempt is made to serve the previous courses to him.
+
+When dinner is ready, the maid or butler appears in the drawing-room
+door, catches the eye of the hostess, and announces quietly that
+dinner is served.
+
+Upon the signal, the host gives his arm to the guest of honor, and
+they lead the way, the lady being seated at the right of her host.
+After them come the other couples as the hostess has planned. Each man
+has found upon the dressing-room table an envelope addressed to him,
+in which is the name of the lady whom he is expected to take out to
+dinner, and also in the corner "R" or "L" to indicate on which side of
+the table he and his lady are to sit.
+
+After all the others have passed out, the hostess brings up the rear
+with the gentleman guest of honor, who will sit at her right.
+
+Evening dress should always be worn. For a lady a gown with low neck
+and short sleeves or elbow sleeves; for a gentleman, a dress coat and
+its accompanying trousers, vest, and tie of regulation cut and color.
+
+Arrival a few minutes before the hour is customary in order for the
+guests to assemble in the drawing-room, greet their host and each
+other, and proceed together to the table.
+
+When the meal is finished, the hostess catches the eye of the guest at
+her husband's right, smiles understandingly, and they immediately
+rise, and, followed by the rest of the ladies, leave the room, the men
+standing meanwhile. The men linger for a half-hour or so over their
+cigars and coffee, or liqueurs, before following the ladies into the
+drawing-room.
+
+In the United States it is more usual for the men and women to leave
+the dining-room together, and the hostess to serve the coffee in the
+drawing-room, than it is for the men to linger by themselves at the
+table.
+
+After a dinner party one should bid good-night to the lady one has
+taken out to the table, to one's host and hostess. It is not good form
+to omit the latter, for she should be assured that you at least have
+enjoyed the evening, and that her effort at hospitality has been
+appreciated by you. It is not necessary to take a formal leave of the
+other guests. If you choose you may wish them a general good-night.
+
+A ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit
+of toast.
+
+Then comes the fruit. It may be melons, peaches, strawberries, or
+grape fruit. It must be in perfection, and should be on ice up to the
+moment of serving, and must tempt the eye as well as the palate.
+
+Next comes the course of oysters or clams on the half-shell, which
+should be served on crushed ice, on oyster plates made with hollows
+for the shells, and picked up with silver forks made for the purpose.
+Or they may be served more daintily without the ice, immediately after
+they have been taken from the cooler, and without delay.
+
+Then a clear soup. It may be served from a silver tureen by the
+hostess, or may be brought in soup plates to the guests by the waiter.
+
+Then fish. This may be served by the host or arranged in a dainty
+mince and served in shells to the separate guests. If served by the
+host, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it.
+
+Throughout the dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar
+relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the
+table when the guests take their seats.
+
+After the fish there can be an entree or two of some delicate dish,
+but the roast properly comes next. It may be turkey, beef, mutton, or
+lamb. The host may carve it if he pleases, and the waiter receive
+portions from him and carry them to the guests. In many houses the
+lady of the house is served first, and next the guest of honor, who is
+the lady at the right of the host. With the roast some vegetables are
+served.
+
+Then comes a salad, and with the salad cheese and crackers are served.
+
+The dessert follows the salad, and black coffee concludes the repast.
+This last may be served at the dining table, or later in the
+drawing-room by the hostess.
+
+The dessert may consist of ices, fruit, pastry, or confections.
+Frequently there is a final course after the sweets, consisting of
+crackers and toasted cheese.
+
+
+_Visits_
+
+It is now considered quite proper for the host or hostess to specify
+the length of time covered by an invitation for a visit. The
+complication of duties in our present-day life makes the assignment of
+even pleasures to definite periods necessary. This is as important as
+the arrangement of trains and methods by which the guest may arrive
+and leave.
+
+The English manner of entertaining is a very excellent one, as it
+gives the guest his freedom and makes his visit of the utmost profit
+to himself and also to his host. The English host sets the time of
+arrival, has his servant meet the guest at the station with
+conveyance, has him met at the house door again by a servant, and
+shown to his room, where he is made at home by being offered some
+light refreshments. He is told at what hour he will be received by his
+host and hostess in the drawing-room, usually a short time before
+dinner. Then throughout his stay he does not see his hostess till
+midday, although she provides amusement for her guests, which he is at
+liberty to enjoy or ignore as he chooses.
+
+After the noon meal he may do as he chooses through the afternoon,
+appearing only at dinner, which is the formal meal of the day, and at
+the general gathering of the family and guests in the evening. The
+various members of the family are ready to show the visitors the
+place, or the countryside, or play their favorite games during the
+day; but there is no effort to make the entertainment formal or to
+force it upon the guest. We do not wish to see even our most honored
+guests or our dearest friends all of the time, and this arrangement
+makes the meeting at dinner all the more enjoyed and valued.
+
+Before inviting guests it is necessary to see to the comfort which is
+represented in the guest chamber. This should be as dainty and
+comfortable as any chamber in the house, and, in addition to the usual
+furnishings, should have other fittings intended to supply all the
+comforts of one's home. A full line of towels, toilet articles, and
+even night robe, bathrobe, and slippers should be ready for the use of
+the guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase do not arrive at
+the expected time.
+
+If the bed is fitted out with finery as well as with all the linen,
+blankets, and comfortables which a well-set-up bed requires, the care
+of the finery, its removal at night and folding up, should not be left
+to the guest. This should be attended to before bedtime by the maid,
+and the bed turned down ready for occupancy.
+
+There should, of course, be vacant bureau drawers and wardrobe. The
+guest, especially if her visit be for a short time, and she has not
+brought her workbox, will much appreciate a small workbasket fitted
+out with needles, thread, thimble, and scissors. A desk fitted with
+stationery, pens, and postage stamps adds much to the comfort of a
+guest chamber, for, no matter how brief the stay, facilities for
+writing to the distant home are needed promptly and constantly.
+
+The guest's comfort should be provided for before her entertainment or
+amusement, and she should be made to feel perfectly at home in her
+room, and her possession of it be absolute for the time of her stay.
+
+It is a compliment to a guest to remember her favorite dishes, or to
+arrange things to suit her known tastes and preferences.
+
+It is the duty of the hostess to give the signal for retiring. This
+should be done with a fine regard for the desires of guests, rather
+than according to one's personal wishes.
+
+
+_Special Duties of the Country Hostess_
+
+The country hostess should make her entertaining distinctive from that
+of the city. Every one should, at times, return to the country, for
+both physical and mental well-being. So when he is there, it is of
+great importance that he get country fare and country life, rather
+than make a fruitless attempt to live in the country as he does in the
+city.
+
+The country hostess should not attempt to entertain unless she can
+depend upon her servants. Her relations with them should be such that
+there is no likelihood of having a houseful of guests and the servants
+thereupon suddenly weary of the quiet of the country, or for any other
+trivial reason promptly departing. The country hostess will, however,
+fit herself to meet any emergency which may arise, both on her own and
+her family's account, as well as on that of her guests.
+
+Therefore, housekeeping and entertaining should be simplified as much
+as possible, and the most unexpected of emergencies should be
+anticipated and provided for, as far as may be. Unless the country
+hostess is herself competent to cook and to tend the fires, she will
+never be safe in the sending out of invitations. For the same reason,
+other members of the family should be trained in helpfulness, so that
+an emergency will simply mean the adoption of emergency tactics
+previously agreed upon and practiced to the point of efficiency.
+
+The country hostess should remember that to her guests the charm and
+novelty of the fresh air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest
+attractions of her home. So she should see to it that guests are left
+untrammeled, to go and wander where they may wish; and also that the
+guest chambers and all other rooms are kept filled with fresh air even
+in the coldest of weather.
+
+Often the change to the invigorating country air makes the guest feel
+colder than the actual temperature of the room warrants. The hostess
+should remember this, and should provide that at all times the
+living-rooms and guest chambers be warmed as well as ventilated. The
+open fireplace is needed in addition to steam or furnace heat in an
+isolated country house.
+
+"Simple things need to be excellent." The hostess should provide
+fresh fruit, chickens, eggs, vegetables, cream, and milk, the products
+of the country, rather than the elaborate dishes of the city.
+
+The hostess should enjoy the country and teach her guests to enjoy it.
+She should know the attractive walks and drives, the places of real
+interest, and she should be able to point out the picturesque spots,
+and the points of vantage for especially fine views, and to make
+others feel the charm of the country.
+
+The hostess should furnish outdoor occupations, should interest her
+guests in making collections of curious plants from the woodlands, and
+in getting acquainted with the trees. There should be some popular
+sports provided even in midwinter, and all the necessities for the
+enjoyment of these should be furnished, as well as a library, games,
+and all sorts of indoor entertainment and pastimes for the possible
+days of storm which shall block all exit from the house.
+
+The serving of meals out of doors, if the season and weather permit,
+is a distinctive feature of country hospitality, and very enjoyable to
+city dwellers. Breakfast and afternoon tea are especially easy to
+serve on the lawn or piazza, but more elaborate meals may be so served
+if there are servants and facilities enough. Simple meals out of doors
+are preferable to more elaborate meals within. In order to do this
+enjoyably or successfully, it is necessary to have the piazza or
+garden somewhat secluded. A hedge, in the absence of other protection
+from the curious, easily makes this possible.
+
+The informality possible in country entertaining is its greatest
+charm. Neighbors should be encouraged to "drop in" at any hour, as the
+monotony of country life may thus be greatly relieved.
+
+The hostess who, in order to meet an emergency, is obliged to do much
+herself, should either simplify her plans of entertainment, so that
+she could carry them through without too great weariness to play her
+part as hostess by being with her guests, or should call upon them to
+assist her, and make it a companionable visit at any rate.
+
+Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor, in which all join
+first in the work and later in the play. One should endeavor to do
+one's part of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good
+comradeship, as well as share in the fun.
+
+One of the most enjoyable resources of the country hostess is the
+picnic. This idea may be varied to suit any circumstances and any
+surroundings. It may take the form of an athletic frolic for the young
+people, or of a reading party in some secluded and shady glen on a
+hot day, if the company be intellectual, or various other forms.
+
+
+_Public Functions_
+
+Men and women of prominence are often called upon to act as special
+hosts and hostesses at public or semipublic functions, such as club
+dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school or college
+graduations, receptions given by the heads of business houses on
+anniversaries or at openings, civil or state receptions, charitable
+social affairs, and the like.
+
+As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such occasions do not vary
+greatly from those of the more private affairs, but usually greater
+formality is observed, and there is less responsibility on the part of
+the public entertainers for the details of the service.
+
+At a club reception and luncheon, the president and chief officers of
+the club, with the guests of the day, stand in line and receive for a
+half-hour or more, in the parlors of the club. When all the guests, or
+the most of them, have assembled, the procession to the dining-room is
+headed by the president with the guest of greatest distinction, who is
+seated at his right. The other officers follow in order of rank, with
+the other guests in order of distinction.
+
+After dinner, when the last course is completed and the debris
+removed, so that the tables present a neat appearance with their
+decorations intact, the president rises and raps for order. Then,
+after a few introductory remarks, he begins the program of the day.
+These programs vary greatly, but usually include after-dinner speeches
+of the light and happy or only semiserious order,--unless the purpose
+for which all are gathered is of serious moment,--music both
+instrumental and vocal, by excellent performers, and the responses to
+the speeches, either by the president or by others of the officers who
+may be called upon for brief and pertinent remarks. A spirit of
+good-will and enthusiasm should characterize such a gathering,
+whatever the object of it.
+
+When one is appointed on the entertainment committee of a club, or of
+a city, or other body of people, for the holding of a congress of any
+sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail for the
+entertainment of guests for a period covering the entire time of their
+stay. Such guests should be met at the depot or boat landing, should
+be given every assistance toward making them acquainted with the
+officers of the congress and club, and with the city, and every detail
+of provision for their comfort should be looked out for. Personal
+social claims upon their time should not be so made as to conflict
+with their real interest in coming, or with the advantages they may
+have sought in the visit, for carrying out their personal plans.
+
+When one is a guest on such an occasion, he should remember that while
+his entertainment may have been official, his obligation for it is
+personal, and that he should personally thank his hosts and, in
+particular, his special host and hostess, as if he had been their only
+guest. No matter how absorbing the business of the congress or
+conference, no matter how strenuous his own official duties, his
+obligation socially is imperative, and must be met.
+
+When one is a member of the graduating class of a school or college,
+or of any small group of people who, as a society, are entertaining,
+one should show the courtesy of host or hostess to every guest. This
+does not mean that one is responsible to every guest, to see that he
+or she is well entertained, but that, aside from his personal
+responsibilities to his own guests, he should be, at all the public
+functions, in the attitude of host to any stranger to whom he may show
+even the slightest hospitality.
+
+As for his own guests, there are one or two points of special courtesy
+because of the nature of the entertainment. If he is inviting young
+women, or even only one, to whom he intends to give his whole, or a
+large part of his time, he must also invite her mother or chaperon.
+This rule is invariable for the high-school boy graduate, for the
+graduate of the men's college, and for the man graduate of a
+co-educational university.
+
+In addition to the usual provision for guests, he must provide for
+their entertainment overnight or during their stay, if they be from
+the distance. He should, in addition, and early in their visit,
+acquaint them with the peculiarities of the local college customs.
+These customs are distinctive with each college, and their etiquette
+should be made clear to one who, though unused to them, is about to
+share them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON
+
+
+THE need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are
+large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and
+unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of
+the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as
+strictly adhered to as that of the cities.
+
+The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking
+oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives
+up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful
+care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter
+cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of
+several mothers.
+
+Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town
+unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much
+for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine
+conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of
+unpleasant experiences.
+
+When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or
+instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an
+attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young
+people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of
+the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no
+fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a
+protection against criticism.
+
+The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a
+daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or
+mother would be present during the whole of the call. For debutante
+daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out
+in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and
+unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the
+call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the
+young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which
+seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise
+father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and
+when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by
+having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that
+they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.
+
+It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party
+or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is
+well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such
+parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should
+be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without
+immediate family and who has been already in society more than one
+season. The duenna who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon,
+ordinarily accompanies her.
+
+It may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are
+of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage,--through loss of
+relatives, financial limitations, or the following of some business
+calling or profession,--and that they are not, in general, treated
+with less respect than the young woman carefully guarded in her home.
+It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for
+herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration
+which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid
+of a careful observance of conventions.
+
+Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself
+somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially
+with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going
+unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if
+at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She
+may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home,"
+provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present,
+she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening,
+but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea,
+coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.
+
+In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and
+ever-present personage. Wherever the young debutante goes in
+society,--to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the
+park, when shopping or calling,--and during her calling hours at home,
+the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant.
+
+The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country
+villages differs in degree of attendance. The only wise rule is to
+follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be,
+remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is
+wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason
+for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the
+letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows
+that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the
+quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and
+the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's
+chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of
+one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule,
+however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this
+connection is better than too lax.
+
+The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters
+to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended
+by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young
+people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his
+children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a
+magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and
+a safeguard against that group folly towards which the
+irresponsibility of youth tends.
+
+Until a girl makes her debut in society, she is not seen at a party of
+adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment
+unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening.
+
+Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the
+attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to
+any place of public amusement.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF THE MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT
+
+
+IT is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult
+with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his
+proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in
+America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has
+not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the
+father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's
+friendship; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the
+choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young
+man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his
+fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have
+used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable
+impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a
+crisis.
+
+
+_The Proposal_
+
+In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the
+trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important.
+
+One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel
+and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the
+rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to
+do.
+
+No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of
+marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not
+decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are
+times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome
+proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very
+considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her
+appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time
+leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already
+engaged, she should tell him so.
+
+If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency
+of response is determined by the importance to the sender.
+
+The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to
+think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely
+rude, and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of
+confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has
+refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the
+letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal
+representatives, to be acted on as they think best.
+
+The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and
+woman, having passed through this experience together, can fail to
+have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each
+other's character.
+
+In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the
+young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real
+declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected
+before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a
+thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself.
+So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter,
+there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation
+on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really
+well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character
+permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when
+she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his
+advances.
+
+The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It
+concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things
+of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of
+high ideals.
+
+When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is
+not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize
+each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it
+that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should
+be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if
+there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an
+absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its
+own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future
+when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and,
+because it is essential for those who are to marry to become
+thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people,
+for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does
+not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at
+times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves.
+
+The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband,
+and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly
+exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad
+world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she
+should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged
+girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of
+amusement or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so
+carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the
+slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men
+whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the
+man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty,
+or of making others feel that she has no interest in them.
+
+As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally
+meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or
+sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them
+embarrassed. They should not spend too much time with each other.
+Their hostess will send them out to dinner together,--which is in
+marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then
+they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should
+be careful not to permit her fiance to take her away in a corner from
+other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social
+duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote
+himself to one.
+
+The task of meeting each other's friends, after the engagement is
+announced, is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable, and
+should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense
+of critical scrutiny. The great ordeal of winning each other is
+decided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of establishing
+friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object
+of dread. Real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent
+roughnesses smooth.
+
+An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event
+which they may both grace with their presence. The common human
+interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent interest of the
+married, tend to focus all eyes upon them. For this reason they will
+try and be as little conspicuous as may be.
+
+
+_Announcement of Engagement_
+
+The announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways, but
+always first by the family of the young woman. If a public newspaper
+announcement is desired, a notice similar to the following, signed
+with a name and address, must be sent to the society editor of the
+local paper or papers:
+
+"Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce the engagement of their daughter
+Ethel to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date of the wedding
+has not been fixed, but it will probably take place soon after
+Easter."
+
+Or it may read: "Miss Ethel Abbott announces her engagement to Mr.
+Hayden B. Bradley," etc.
+
+If a less public announcement is desired, the young couple may each
+write personal notes to their friends. In these notes one or two
+afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be
+"At Home." This gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of
+the young man to meet his fiancee.
+
+The entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea, in which she and
+her mother receive, the former wearing a pretty but not too
+rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches, cakes, and
+tea should be served.
+
+If an engagement is to be for long, it would be well to have the
+announcement of it as quiet as possible, or not to announce it until
+the time for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the young people
+not to be seen very much together until its final stages.
+
+Immediately upon the announcement of an engagement, the mother of the
+man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother, and
+invite them, or the entire family, to dinner.
+
+The family of the young man should be the first to make advances. The
+other members of the young man's family should call upon the young
+woman promptly, even if they have never met her before, or, if calling
+is impossible, they should write and express their approval and good
+wishes. According to the position of the family, should the
+elaborateness of entertainment be. It is a nice custom, when the young
+lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fiance,
+for them to invite her to come and visit them.
+
+The calls of his family upon her, and their letters to her, should be
+very promptly returned or answered.
+
+If the young woman live in the country, her father will invite the
+young man for a visit.
+
+
+_Bridal "Showers"_
+
+The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a
+wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from
+one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often
+now the guest of honor at one or more parties called "showers," and
+the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her.
+There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and
+financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one
+bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is
+well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it
+that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so
+invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make
+several gifts to her friend.
+
+These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions
+of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing
+the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified
+by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.
+
+Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower"
+duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which
+will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or
+especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually
+given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up
+the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a
+kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the
+way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the
+recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with
+semidesirable gifts.
+
+The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost
+exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few
+of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the
+evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The
+refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The
+invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally,
+or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss
+Hanley on Wednesday at four."
+
+There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only
+rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such
+objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice
+of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for
+instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china,
+silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one
+room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a
+"shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted
+and nothing else for use in these places.
+
+
+_The Broken Engagement_
+
+When an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the
+young man all letters and presents, and may ask, by a brief,
+courteous, but dignified, note, for the return of her letters to him.
+It would not be necessary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the
+man would take the sending back of his gifts as final, and to mean the
+return of hers also.
+
+In case the wedding is near, so that wedding presents have been
+received from friends, the no longer "bride-elect" should return them
+to the givers with an explanatory note. The note should mention
+nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken.
+
+The mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of
+the engagement. She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes to
+friends. In case of a broken engagement, it is not delicate to allude
+to it, unless one is a very intimate friend, and then it is better to
+leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned.
+
+It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of
+terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than
+her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily,
+without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for
+faithfulness and integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation,
+even privately, as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement,
+as the release must at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever
+she chooses to say, or however unjust the remarks of friends seem, he
+is in honor bound to show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow
+upon her reputation, even if his own suffers instead.
+
+However, in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement
+has been broken mutually, even though no reason is obvious. This
+should be so, for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a
+marriage engagement, marriages will be entered into the almost
+certain outcome of which is the divorce court.
+
+A lady should never accept any but trivial gifts, such as flowers, a
+book, a piece of music, or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman
+who is not related to her. Even a marriage engagement does not make
+the acceptance of costly gifts wise.
+
+
+_Preparation for a Wedding_
+
+The preparation which the bridegroom makes for the new home, is, of
+course, by far the larger share of its establishment. He provides the
+home, furnishes it with everything but the linen, which the bride will
+bring, and the ornamental decorations, including silver for the table,
+which the wedding guests may, in these days of lavish presents, be
+expected to furnish.
+
+Even if he does not choose to set up a house-home at once, the
+provision for the future is all his, and he has to bring to the
+wedding the wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in household
+furniture or only the certificates of wealth with which to provide for
+the bride. This is a matter of pride with even the poorest
+lover,--with all save that small class of men who, either from the
+most worldly of motives or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives
+so high that they will not permit personal pride to stand in the way
+of the real union of hearts, submit to the indignity of becoming
+pensioners rather than donors.
+
+Whatever the custom for the division of responsibility in regard to
+the home and the future, in actual life, in every true home
+responsibility is equal, and convenience alone decrees what the bride
+and the bridegroom shall each contribute to the common hoard.
+
+The bridegroom also provides a part of the wedding, and although his
+share is minimized, yet it is often a costly and important part. He
+should provide the flowers which the bride and her attendants carry.
+The bride usually chooses her flowers, which are ordinarily white
+roses, lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of her favorite
+kind.
+
+Besides providing the wedding ring, the bridegroom usually presents to
+the bride some gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he has bought
+and furnished for her. Or it may be jewelry, or anything else that she
+desires and that he may have it in his power to bestow. The bride
+makes him no special gift other than her hand, as that is her supreme
+gift.
+
+The personal provision of the bridegroom sometimes consists of a new
+wardrobe throughout, besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he will
+wear his new suits somewhat before he appears in them as newly
+married. His wedding suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to
+be married in the evening, complete with white gloves and tie, and
+boutonniere of the same flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in
+the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock, he will wear a frock
+coat of black, white vest, gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In
+case the wedding is in the evening and the bride is to wear her
+traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the bridegroom may wear the same
+suit as for an afternoon wedding, if he chooses.
+
+The custom of having a new wardrobe throughout is not necessarily
+followed, of course. It is through the bridegroom's consideration for
+the bride, and his appreciation of the housewifely duties which she
+undertakes on his behalf, that he makes those as small as possible at
+first, knowing that the years will bring her her full share.
+
+The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter of special moment,
+because it is for the last time that she is outfitted by her father.
+Therefore, he wishes to give her all that she needs for some time to
+come, that she may grow used to reliance upon her husband before he
+has to undertake the burden of her personal expenses in the matter of
+clothes.
+
+The outlay, however, is limited in quantity to the probable needs of
+the first season of married life, if the bride is wise, as there is no
+wisdom in having more garments than can be worn to advantage before
+the style changes.
+
+No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her
+future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only
+circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual
+outlay,--beyond the fact that she needs more and special garments for
+the different social occasions, and has a pride in having them as nice
+as possible,--are those in which she marries a man of much higher
+social station and much larger income than her own. In that case it
+may be well for her to put some of her savings for the future into the
+gowns which she knows will be necessary for her in her new station.
+
+The special gowns necessary for a bride are: Her wedding gown,--which
+is of pure white if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate
+color if a widow,--the wedding veil, the traveling suit, a reception
+gown, a church suit, a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain
+street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper, and a new outfitting of
+underclothing, in number and quality to suit her usual custom, or as
+nice as she can afford.
+
+For the bride whose purse is not overfull the number of gowns and
+suits can be materially diminished; the wedding gown, with some slight
+changes, such as the removal of the high collar and long sleeves, can
+be used as an evening dress; the traveling, church, and visiting suit
+may be one and the same; the house dresses may be reduced to a minimum
+by frequent washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate wardrobe
+with which to begin married life should not be a barrier to a marriage
+which in every other respect appears to be auspicious.
+
+The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of linen which she
+provides for her new home, should consist of approximately the
+following:
+
+For every bed three pairs of sheets, three pairs of pillow cases,
+three bolster cases, one or two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes,
+and an extra quilt.
+
+For her bedrooms she should provide table, stand, and bureau covers,
+as the style of the furniture may suggest, and also such covers for
+couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife would desire for the
+sake of cleanliness.
+
+For the bath-room there should be three dozen towels, a half-dozen
+bath towels. Towels for the maid should also be included.
+
+For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two dozen napkins for common
+use, with two finer tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special
+occasions, make ample provision for the average home. There should be
+doilies and tray cloths, covers for the sideboard, also mats and
+centerpieces for the table.
+
+For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for dishes, hand towels,
+cleaning cloths, holders, and every necessary sort of towel in
+abundance. With the increasing use of the paper towel, much of this
+provision for bath-room and kitchen may be dispensed with, as the
+paper towel is much neater and more economical.
+
+The wedding gown, which is of white satin or silk, and usually as rich
+and elegant as the bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck
+and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they are supplemented by
+long gloves, which are not removed even at the wedding breakfast. The
+custom is to wear white exclusively from veil to shoes. Whether or not
+the veil is worn, a hat is never provided for this gown.
+
+It is customary, in case a bride is married in her traveling suit, for
+her to wear the hat and gloves which go with it. At a home wedding,
+however, this rule is not usually adhered to, unless the couple leave
+at once.
+
+The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn only at the first
+marriage of a woman, and usually only with a gown made with a train.
+
+The bridegroom should acquaint himself with the rules and regulations
+in regard to the marriage license some weeks ahead of the date set for
+the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary in different states, and
+in some a period of residence or notification is necessary.
+
+A marriage certificate, furnishing easily available knowledge of the
+legality of the marriage and its date, is often of great convenience
+in the disposition of property, the probating of wills, and in the
+settlement of numerous questions which might arise in minor matters.
+This should be provided before the ceremony, filled out and signed
+immediately after it by the officiating clergyman, and signed by
+several witnesses.
+
+The wedding ring is, by long established custom, a plain gold band. It
+should be of the best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be
+moderately narrow and thin rather than wide and thick. The ring, the
+unbroken circle, is symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it into
+the keeping of the best man, whose duty it is to hand it promptly to
+him at the proper moment of the ceremony. The initials and date are
+engraved upon the inner surface of the ring. When wider rings were
+worn some appropriate sentiment was also often engraved.
+
+Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her pride to see that it is
+never removed. As Mrs. Sangster feelings says, "It is a badge of
+honor, and, worn on any woman's hand, a symbol of her right to belong
+to the ranks of worthy matrons."
+
+It is well to rehearse the movements of the bridal procession within a
+day or two of the ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the conduct
+of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism. If it is to be a church
+wedding, more than one rehearsal may be required. In that case the
+organist should be present, as well as every member of the bridal
+party, except the clergyman. The opening of the church for such
+rehearsal is included in the fee which the sexton receives, which
+ranges from ten to fifty dollars.
+
+Usually refreshments, in the form of either a dinner or supper, follow
+the rehearsal, the bride entertaining at her home.
+
+If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any other service in which
+the bride and bridegroom kneel, cushions for their use should be
+provided. These are usually covered in white satin, with outer covers
+of very sheer lawn upon which the initials may be worked.
+
+The floral decorations of the church or home should be subordinated to
+the main interest; that is, they should not be too elaborate, take up
+too much room, or do other than furnish a fitting background for the
+bridal couple. The decorations usually follow some definite color
+scheme, although simply the white flowers with green foliage are
+appropriate and symbolic for a church wedding. A few palms, simple
+bouquets of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully, with foliage to
+contrast and fill the corners, will decorate an altar or make a
+pleasant bower. When costliness rather than beauty is the effect of
+flowers, the display is vulgar.
+
+An awning should be stretched from the house or church door to the
+sidewalk, so that the guests and bridal party may not be subjected to
+the gaze of curious passers-by as they leave the carriages. An
+attendant should be stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of the
+carriages, and to give to the coachmen and guests numbers by which
+their carriages may be speedily called.
+
+While the provision of the carriages belongs with all other things to
+the bride's family, the carriages for the bridegroom and his family
+are provided by them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+THE CONDUCT OF A WEDDING
+
+
+IN cities at present the most fashionable hour for the ceremony is
+"high noon," following the English custom, and in remembrance of the
+long-standing tradition which placed the wedding early in the day,
+before the night's fast had been broken.
+
+The afternoon is a suitable time, as it enables friends to gather more
+conveniently from the distance, and as the reception with refreshments
+is much more easily arranged for than is a breakfast. For an afternoon
+wedding, three o'clock is the proper hour in the winter, four o'clock
+in the summer.
+
+The evening was at one period the fashionable time, and it still
+retains its popularity and long will among the middle class of people
+and in the country, because a larger gathering of friends can be
+expected at that time, as all are free from business and household
+cares.
+
+
+_The Church Wedding_
+
+For the church wedding special arrangements must be made for the
+seating of the guests. A certain number of pews in the center front
+of the church are reserved for the families and intimate friends of
+the bride and bridegroom. The reservation is indicated by a broad
+white ribbon barrier across the aisle, or a garland of flowers. The
+family of the bride is seated on one side of the aisle, and that of
+the bridegroom on the other.
+
+The ushers should be at the church at least a half-hour before the
+guests begin to arrive. They wear small buttonhole bouquets of flowers
+like those used in the decorations of the church, which are sent them
+there by the florist.
+
+In seating the guests they should take great care to seat in the
+reserved space only those whose names are on the list given them as
+belonging there. Therefore, they ask the name of each guest whom they
+do not know before assigning him his seat. Sometimes, however, each of
+these special guests is provided with a card which he gives to the
+usher.
+
+When a gentleman and lady enter the church together, the usher offers
+his right arm to the lady, and the gentleman follows them as they
+proceed down the aisle. When several ladies arrive together, the usher
+offers his arm to the eldest, and requests the others to follow as he
+conducts her to her seat.
+
+Each usher asks of each guest whether he is friend of the bride or
+bridegroom, and seats him accordingly, upon the left of the church if
+a friend of the bride, upon the right if a friend of the groom. In
+case the bridegroom is from the distance, and therefore there are few
+of his friends present, this custom is not followed.
+
+Immediately before the bridal party appears, the mother of the bride
+is escorted by the head usher to a seat in the front pew. Any sisters
+or brothers of the bride who may not be in the bridal procession enter
+with their mother.
+
+Meanwhile the bridal party has been gathering, the bridesmaids going
+to the home of the bride and there receiving from her their bouquets,
+which are the gift of the bridegroom. Thence they take carriages to
+the church, where they all arrive at the hour set for the ceremony.
+When the first carriage arrives, containing two of the
+bridesmaids,--as the carriage of the bride and her father is the
+last,--the head usher closes the inner vestibule door, and the other
+ushers see that all entrance at side doors is barred. When the bride
+arrives the outer street doors are closed, and the procession forms.
+Two of the ushers have already carried the broad white ribbon down the
+sides of the main aisle, thus shutting in the pews, and have taken
+down the ribbon barrier across it.
+
+The bridegroom and his best man have come in a carriage by themselves
+and entered the church by the vestry door. They and the clergyman
+await the notice of the bride's arrival.
+
+The organist, who has been playing appropriate selections while the
+guests were assembling, begins on the wedding march as the doors to
+the church are thrown open in signal that all is in readiness. The
+audience rises. The clergyman takes his place, and the bridgegroom and
+best man enter, the former standing at the clergyman's left, the
+latter just behind the bridegroom, who is facing the aisle down which
+the bride will come.
+
+First come the ushers, two and two, keeping pace with the time of the
+music, which is a stately, dignified march. The bridesmaids follow,
+also two and two, with about six feet of space between each couple.
+The maid of honor alone, or the maid and matron of honor together,
+then come. The flower girl, or flower children follow, scattering
+flowers from a basket hung upon the left arm.
+
+Then come the bride and her father, or nearest male relative, she with
+downcast eyes and leaning upon his right arm.
+
+The procession divides as it reaches a spot opposite the place where
+the bride and bridegroom are to stand, or, in an Episcopal church, the
+top of the chancel steps; half go to the right and half to the left.
+The bridesmaids stand between the ushers, all being grouped in a
+semicircle. The maid of honor stands at the left, in front of the
+bridesmaids and near the bride.
+
+The bridegroom advances to meet the bride, who leaves her father and
+takes the bridegroom's hand, then accepts his left arm and is escorted
+by him to a position in front of the clergyman. The couple kneel for a
+moment before the ceremony begins.
+
+At the place in the ceremony where the question is asked, "Who giveth
+this woman to be married to this man?" the father, who has been
+standing a few feet back, advances and places the bride's right hand
+in that of the clergyman, who places it in the right hand of the
+bridegroom. The father then takes his seat in the front pew with his
+wife, whom, as they leave the church, he escorts.
+
+Should a widowed mother be the only one to respond to this inquiry,
+she simply rises from her seat and bows. In such a case the bridegroom
+usually enters with the bride, and the procession is less elaborate.
+
+When the troth is being plighted and the ring is about to be given,
+the best man hands it to the bridegroom, who passes it to the bride.
+She hands it to the clergyman, who returns it to the bridegroom. Then
+the latter places it upon the third finger of the bride's left hand.
+The significance of the passing of the ring is that it completes a
+circle, the symbol of eternity, of which the clergyman is one, thus
+symbolizing the sanction of the church.
+
+After the ceremony the clergyman congratulates the newly wedded
+couple, and the bride takes the right arm of her husband, walking thus
+down the aisle, the bridal party following in reverse order, the
+ushers therefore last. Even at a stately church ceremonial it has been
+known for the bride to stop and kiss her mother before passing down
+the aisle.
+
+The duties of the maid of honor during the service are to take from
+the bride her glove and bouquet as the clergyman asks the bride and
+bridegroom to join hands. Then it is her care to remove the veil from
+before the face of the bride when the ceremony is over, and to turn
+the train of her gown that it may fall rightly as she passes up the
+aisle.
+
+Occasionally when there are two main aisles to the church, the bridal
+procession enters on the one amid the friends of the bride, and
+returns on that amid the friends of the groom, to signify that the
+bride has now become one of them.
+
+The best man follows the clergyman to the vestry, hands him the fee,
+if the groom had not before done so, and passes down the side aisle to
+signal for the bridal carriage, and to give the bridegroom his hat and
+coat. He then goes to the bride's house, where he assists the ushers
+in introducing the guests to the pair.
+
+The organist starts up a very joyous march at the conclusion of the
+ceremony, and continues playing while the guests are dispersing.
+
+Following the bridal procession the families and intimate friends of
+the couple pass out before the audience, as the ribbon barriers which
+reserve the aisle are not taken down until all have passed out. If the
+reception is at the home, this gives the bridal party time to enter
+the carriages; if the reception is in the church parlors, it gives
+time for them to take their places in the receiving line.
+
+At the bride's home there is now time, before the guests arrive, for
+all of the bridal party to congratulate and felicitate the bride and
+bridegroom, and also to sign after them the register of the marriage,
+which is in the care of the best man. This is usually in the form of a
+book bound in white, with the initials of the bride and bridegroom
+embossed upon it, and opportunity is usually given for the wedding
+guests to add their signatures also.
+
+The bride's mother, who is the real hostess of the occasion, stands
+near the entrance of the room in which the reception is held. In a
+receiving line at the head of the room stand the bride and bridegroom
+with half of the bridesmaids ranged on the bride's right and the
+other half on the groom's left. The parents of the groom stand near
+and the father of the bride with them or with his wife, as host. The
+ushers present the guests to the bride and bridegroom, and then to
+their parents, as guests of honor. A few words of congratulation to
+the bridegroom and of best wishes to the bride are all that the few
+moments possible for each guest permit. The bride offers her hand to
+each guest, and presents to her husband her friends, as he does his to
+her.
+
+
+_The Home Wedding_
+
+The home wedding may be made in every way quite as ideal as the church
+wedding, and is much more simple, its privacy appealing to many. The
+house will be decorated with flowers in good taste and not too great
+profusion. Usually a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage is erected
+at the head of the drawing-room. This should not be too massive, as
+only a special grouping of the flowers is preferable to an arrangement
+which is too crowded or shaded.
+
+As the guests arrive the mother and sisters of the bride receive them.
+The father of the bride does not appear, nor, of course, does the
+bride, until they enter together. A room is placed at the disposal of
+the bridegroom, the best man, and the clergyman.
+
+At the stroke of the hour appointed, the clergyman enters and takes
+his stand facing the company. The bridegroom and best man also enter
+and stand at the left of the clergyman, the best man somewhat behind.
+As in a church wedding, the broad white ribbon is used to mark the
+aisle. If bouquets are attached to the ends of it, they will hold it
+in place.
+
+Then from the farthest corner of the room enters the bridal
+procession, formed as for a church wedding.
+
+At a simple house wedding there are often no attendants, the bride and
+bridegroom entering the room together, the bride's father having taken
+his position near at hand, where he can readily respond at the right
+moment.
+
+Another way of forming the procession, which has all the advantages of
+the more elaborate one, is for the best man to follow the ushers, then
+the one bridesmaid to enter immediately preceding the bride and
+bridegroom.
+
+Music is often dispensed with at a home wedding.
+
+When the ceremony is over the clergyman congratulates the couple and
+withdraws, and they, turning, face their friends, who then come to
+wish them happiness.
+
+Whether the wedding take place in the home or at the church, the
+bridal pageant has only one object in view,--it is wholly for the
+sake of the bridegroom. Every woman desires to come to her husband in
+all the glory of her womanhood and of her social position. By all
+custom the bridegroom does not see his bride upon the wedding day
+until she approaches him as he stands at the altar. So, with her
+family doing her the utmost honor that they can, she comes to him,
+bringing all that she has and is, and placing herself and her future
+in his care. The coming is just as real, however, though the utmost
+simplicity prevail.
+
+Back of all the minute detail of wedding custom there is a symbolism.
+With the constant elevation of the standards of marriage, this
+symbolism and these customs grow purer and more in accord with the
+ideals. Just as it is always taken for granted that a marriage
+ceremony is uniting loving hearts, so little by little all that is at
+variance with that thought will drop away, as have already several
+minor details, and new forms and customs more in harmony with the new
+ideals take the place of the old. These changes, however, come very
+gradually, and should not be hastened, but should only keep pace with
+the new conceptions. Nevertheless, there should not be too tenacious a
+clinging to the old forms, which expressed lower conceptions, when the
+masterly thought of the day is forging out higher and purer ideals of
+marriage.
+
+
+_The Wedding Breakfast_
+
+The wedding breakfast is the name given to the refreshments which
+follow the noon wedding. It is usually given when there are but few
+relatives and intimate friends, because it is an expensive feast if
+large numbers are invited. It is really a dinner, served in courses,
+at numerous small tables, each with a complete dinner service. One
+large table, placed in the center of the room or elsewhere
+conspicuously, is reserved for the bridal party.
+
+The menu usually consists of "fruit, raw oysters, bouillon, fish or
+lobster in some fancy form, an entree, birds and salad, ices, cakes,
+bonbons, and coffee," according to one recognized authority. Or it may
+be much simpler, and include only oysters or bouillon, sandwiches and
+salad, ices, cakes, and coffee.
+
+Usually some punch is served in which to pledge the bride and
+bridegroom. If wine is used, champagne is customary for weddings.
+
+The caterer usually supplies all the necessities for the wedding
+feast, even to china, linen, silver, candelabra, and flowers, should
+the bride's parents so wish.
+
+At the wedding reception, after the congratulations and greetings are
+over, and the breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead
+the way to the dining-room. Then comes the bride's father with the
+groom's mother. The bridegroom's father follows with some member of
+the bride's family, then come the best man and the maid of honor. The
+ushers and bridesmaids pair off, and other members of the bridal party
+or of the two families follow in pairs. Lastly, as hostess of the
+occasion, comes the bride's mother, with the officiating clergyman, or
+the senior and highest in rank of the clergymen, if there be more than
+one, as guest of honor.
+
+The rest of the guests, who are not seated at the bridal table, find
+their seats as they choose, with friends, no place cards being used.
+
+For an afternoon or evening reception the refreshments are served as
+for any reception. A large table in the dining-room is decorated with
+flowers and piled with the edibles, which are served by the waiters to
+the guests as they enter. The variety of food depends wholly upon the
+resources of the bride's parents and the size and elaborateness of the
+wedding. Many prefer a simple repast as the hour is unusual for a
+meal, and a dinner is not to be served.
+
+When the bride and bridegroom enter and are served, the best man
+proposes a toast to their health and happiness, and all present stand,
+glass in hand, and pledge them.
+
+At a wedding breakfast the English custom is to have toasts and
+speeches, but it is not followed largely in this country. Where it is,
+usually at a small wedding party, the father of the bridegroom or the
+best man proposes the health of the bride and bridegroom. The father
+of the bride responds. Sometimes the bridegroom is called on to
+respond to this toast, which he does, proposing in turn the health of
+the bridesmaids. To this the best man responds.
+
+The wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake, which is at its best only
+when made months in advance and kept in a stone crock well covered.
+This is finely frosted and ornamented.
+
+At the close of the wedding breakfast the wedding cake is set before
+the bride, who cuts the first slice from it. It is then passed to the
+others.
+
+At a large wedding, where no breakfast is served, the wedding cake is
+usually cut into small pieces and placed in white boxes, which are
+decorated with the initials of the bride and bridegroom and are tied
+with white ribbon. These are placed upon a table in the hall near the
+door and the guests either each take one as he leaves, or one is
+handed him by a servant.
+
+Sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put away in a tin box and
+sealed, to be opened by the couple on some future anniversary.
+
+The wedding cake is distinct from the bride's cake, which may be
+served by the latter at a dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more
+before the wedding, and in which a thimble, a coin, and a ring are
+hidden. The superstition is that the young women who by chance receive
+the slices containing these are respectively destined for a future of
+single blessedness, wealth, or domestic bliss.
+
+At a reception the larger number of the guests depart before the
+bridal couple go to the dining-room. As soon as refreshments are
+served them, and the toast to them has been drunk, they retire to don
+suits for traveling. The bridegroom waits for the bride at the foot of
+the staircase, and the bridesmaids gather there too, as when she
+comes, she throws her bridal bouquet among them, and the bridesmaid
+who catches it will be the next bride, according to an old
+superstition.
+
+As the outer door is opened to let the couple out, all the friends and
+relatives present throw flowers or confetti or rice after them, for
+good luck, and an old white slipper is thrown after the carriage as
+they drive off. The custom of thus showering the departing couple has
+been sometimes carried to such an extreme that many refrain from it.
+Rice is somewhat dangerous, and confetti is so distinctive as
+frequently to cause embarrassment when in a public train or station.
+Flowers may appropriately be used, and are always at hand in the
+decorations of the home.
+
+
+_The Wedding Journey_
+
+The wedding journey is the bride and bridegroom's affair, and the
+knowledge of it is kept their secret and divulged only to the best
+man, who probably helps arrange for it, and to the father and mother
+of the bride, and they all are silent about it. The intrusion of even
+intimate friends upon such a trip is not considered good form.
+
+The custom of taking a journey at this time is not so rigidly observed
+as it used to be, many young couples preferring to go direct to their
+new home, or to a quiet country house for the honeymoon.
+
+The real wishes of the couple should be followed out at this time,
+because they are now more free from social obligations than they will
+be later, and a wise start upon married life is of all things most
+desirable and necessary.
+
+
+_Wedding Fee_
+
+The fee should be placed in an envelope or purse, and given to the
+clergyman by the best man or some friend of the bridegroom, just
+before or just after the ceremony, as may be most convenient. It is
+sometimes handed to the clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of
+the ceremony and before the couple turn away from the altar. It should
+be always given quietly, privately, and with no display or comment.
+
+The clergyman does not examine the fee or comment upon it, other than
+indicating his acceptance.
+
+The size of the fee is a matter of individual taste. Because it is
+unostentatiously given, its size is known only to the bridegroom and
+the clergyman, and to none others unless they wish to tell. There are
+some people in fashionable circles who employ a minister only at
+marriages and funerals, and who labor under the impression that they
+are objects of charity and that by them even the small favor is always
+thankfully received. No one thing so denotes the degree of real
+refinement in a man as the fee he offers the clergyman for marrying
+him. The clergyman is one of the three principals in the marriage
+ceremony. The great majority of brides desire that their marriage
+should have the sanction and benediction of the religious body with
+which they worship, or which has standing in their community and among
+their people. At the very least, in the civil marriage, without a
+third party to represent either church or state a marriage ceremony
+and therefore a legalized marriage is impossible. The third principal
+is therefore an important part of the affair. To treat him shabbily in
+any way denotes no real appreciation of his presence. So it is that
+the true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome fee to him, if his
+means permit it, as he is to give to his bride something which shall
+delight and please her, and which shall symbolize his appreciation of
+the gift of herself. The bridegroom's offering to the clergyman is
+indeed the touchstone of his refinement. Wedding fees vary from five
+to a thousand dollars, the usual amount being twenty-five dollars for
+the fairly affluent.
+
+
+_Wedding Presents_
+
+So extreme has become the custom of sending wedding presents that it
+is perhaps necessary to remind those who really desire to do the
+correct thing, that a perfunctory service, or gift, or courtesy has no
+intrinsic value, and the omission of it would often be far more
+satisfactory than its bestowal.
+
+The usual form of wedding gift is something of use and ornament for
+the new house. Silver, linen, cut glass, or china for the dining-room,
+furniture, rugs, lamps, clocks, vases, books, and pictures, or
+bric-a-brac for the rest of the house, are all appropriate.
+
+If silver is given, it should not be marked, as the bride may have
+duplicates and prefer to exchange some pieces for others, or as she
+may have a special form of engraving which she prefers. The exchange
+of a gift, however, removes from it the personal thought of the giver,
+and makes its acceptance more a matter of mercenary than of friendly
+interest. If, however, such exchange is made at the suggestion or with
+the approval of the giver, it still remains a personal gift. The
+indefinite way in which many people choose wedding gifts for their
+friends, following only the conventional ideas of what is suitable,
+has taken a great deal of personal interest from the gift at the very
+first.
+
+The wedding gift should be a real gift in spirit, something expressive
+of the giver's good wishes, and something which the bride and
+bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its worth to them. Foolish
+things, whether expensive or not, have no real utility or beauty, and
+have always the atmosphere of insult about them, or else always
+reflect upon the intelligence of the giver.
+
+A bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon as they are received, and
+before her wedding day if possible. Spontaneous rather than
+stereotyped notes of thanks are preferable. They should show
+appreciation of the gift, and include the name of the bridegroom-elect
+in her expression of their gratitude. A bride should remember that
+too elaborate notes, which are a grave tax on her strength or time in
+the busy days preceding a wedding, are unwise, as is any other
+unnecessary expenditure of energy.
+
+It is never obligatory to send a wedding present. The wedding
+announcement and wedding invitation are equally suggestive of such
+gifts, for in either case, whether one is invited to the ceremony or
+not, one is perfectly free to do as he pleases about conferring a
+gift.
+
+
+_The Country Wedding_
+
+There is an especial attractiveness and simplicity about the out-door
+wedding in the country, for those who desire to get rid of the
+conventional and artificial. Such a wedding is, of course, a day
+wedding. The late afternoon might be chosen, but the twilight never.
+The weather must be warm.
+
+A secluded corner in the garden, the shade of some stately tree on the
+lawn, or the flowery seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive
+chancels for the ceremony.
+
+The grass should be cut close, and all leaves and debris swept away.
+
+Somewhat removed from the place of the ceremony, but still on the lawn
+or piazza, small tables and chairs may be placed in groups, and
+refreshments served out of doors also.
+
+The simplicity and homelike yet solemn atmosphere of a wedding in a
+country church appeal to many. There much of the formality of a city
+church wedding may be dispensed with, and yet the whole of the
+religious spirit, which should attend a church wedding, and indeed any
+wedding, be retained. The country church lends itself more aptly to
+those private weddings where the bridal party, whether small or large,
+are the only spectators, than does the large city church. The sense of
+exclusiveness is preserved without the great sense of bareness and
+emptiness.
+
+To many the private church wedding appeals with great force. The
+religious and sacramental nature of the ceremony is emphasized,
+without the pomp and display of the public service. Such a wedding
+usually takes place in the daytime rather than in the evening.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN
+
+
+ONE may be taught self-restraint and unselfish consideration for
+others at so early an age that such virtues become habitual, and minor
+maxims are to a large extent unnecessary. Of course, the child will
+still have to be shown the various ways in which he can show
+consideration, but he will quite frequently do of himself those acts
+which make for the comfort and well-being of others.
+
+Habits of deference to elders spring from more complex motives, and
+the training in them may have to be more persistent and rigorous. Boys
+should be taught to take off their caps to their elders, both in the
+family and in the circle of friends, when they meet them on the
+street. They should rise when ladies enter the room, and remain
+standing until all are seated.
+
+An important part in a child's bringing up is to teach him to put away
+his own garments and to clear up after his play or work. If this is
+instilled early into the child, there will never be any need of the
+pain of counteracting slovenliness, and also never any of that
+disagreeable haughtiness toward servants, which is fostered by nothing
+so much as by the inch-by-inch waiting upon a child.
+
+The child who has been made a companion of, and not repressed or
+driven away by the older people of the family, has a sort of
+instinctive respect for them, which, though it may overstep itself in
+some daring familiarity occasionally, is the basis of a strong
+authority over him. The child who has been spied on, and whose idea of
+all adults is that they are a sort of modified policemen, will show
+respect only under compulsion, and will fail in all those fine
+courtesies which the thoroughly well-bred child grows to delight in.
+
+Self-control and self-repression are equal virtues to be cultivated in
+the child. To permit the child to be indifferent and inattentive when
+one is trying to amuse or entertain, to be impatient to get at the end
+of a story or a game, to keep yawning; or making other expressions of
+weariness when being reproved or reprimanded, cultivates in the child
+a mental laziness which is as bad as its opposite,--parrot-like
+facility for chattering and asking questions, which gives a child no
+chance to think, and makes him develop into a man of only surface
+intelligence and thoughtless flippancy. Even a child can appreciate,
+if rightly taught, the motive back of a kind action, and can respect
+that even if the action does not interest him.
+
+On the other hand, it is a serious matter to allow a child to be
+constantly bored with lectures on his conduct, or even with efforts to
+amuse him. He should be let alone, thrown upon his own resources, and
+not permitted to be taxed beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but
+futile efforts on his behalf.
+
+Children should never be allowed to interrupt. For that reason
+parents, and those who have the care of children, should remember not
+to monopolize the conversation when there are children present, nor
+talk on and on for a long time, as no person, least of all a child,
+can follow such continuous talk without weariness.
+
+Children should be taught that thinking will answer most of their
+questions for them, that they should wait and see if the answer will
+not be given by something that is said later on. Every effort made to
+drive the thought of a loquacious child back upon itself is an effort
+in the right direction; just as every effort made to express and
+reveal the thought of an imaginative child is much to the latter's
+benefit.
+
+The sayings of a child should never be quoted in his presence, nor his
+doings related. He becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby.
+
+A child should be taught to respect the rights of the father and
+mother to the easiest chairs in the room, or those which they may
+prefer, and should leave those chairs vacant until the father and
+mother are seated elsewhere.
+
+The boy who has been brought up at home, both by precept and by his
+father's example, never to seat himself at the dining table or in the
+family sitting-room until his mother is seated, will not need to be
+told that he should rise in a crowded street car and give his seat to
+an elderly woman. He will do it so instinctively that it will not be a
+burden,--indeed, the regret would be more keen if he could not do it.
+
+If children are present at the dining table, it is wiser to help them
+first, and the grown people last, than the reverse. In everything it
+is well to follow the etiquette of adult life, as, for instance, by
+helping the girls before the boys.
+
+Children should be taught to be punctual at meals, not simply for the
+sake of health, but out of consideration for the cook and for those
+who might otherwise be obliged to wait for them. They should not be
+allowed to hurry through a meal because of their impatience to get at
+play, although they may be wisely excused when they are quite through.
+There is no value in making them the bored, squirming, or subdued
+listeners to conversation quite beyond their comprehension or
+interest. They should be taught to eat leisurely, and to regard the
+mealtime as a chance to talk with their parents about interesting
+things, and not simply as a time to be shortened and slighted if
+possible.
+
+Usually the child's first rigid lesson in punctuality comes at the
+beginning of school life. Then, most profitably, may be cultivated a
+sense of the rights of others, and of his individual responsibility
+toward the social group, represented for him by his teacher and
+schoolmates. If the emphasis is rightly laid upon the necessity of his
+not delaying the work of his classmates and teacher, he will naturally
+find many ways in which he may apply the same thought, greatly to his
+own advantage and to theirs as well, and to the permanent
+strengthening of his habits of work.
+
+A keen sense of social oneness may also prevent the too frequent
+heart-burnings among shy and sensitive children. This is as easily
+cultivated as is the opposite, and is of great importance both in
+childhood and in later life. The seeming injustice of the teacher may
+often be made clear, and seen to be just, when the welfare of the
+whole school is taken into consideration. This is a matter of the
+natural enlargement of the child's mental horizon, and if the proper
+spirit has been fostered, the child will welcome it. Should it be done
+carefully and wisely, the roots of many social weeds will at once be
+eliminated.
+
+Fault-finding should be discouraged in school and at home. It is never
+the best method of fault correction, and should not be countenanced.
+
+The bringing home of tales of the teacher and of schoolmates, in a
+spirit of complaint, should not be permitted. Pleasant accounts of
+happenings at school should be encouraged, but grumbling against
+rules, as well as personal gossip, should not be permitted. The
+authority of the home must support the authority of the school or the
+child will nowhere receive that discipline and training which he needs
+in order to meet the experiences of life.
+
+The child should be allowed a certain sum of money, which, even in the
+most lavish homes, should be a little under what the wants of the
+child require. The giving of this money should be done regularly at a
+stated time, and there should never be any extra giving, or increase
+of the usual sum, except under very unusual circumstances, which
+should not be allowed to happen more than once a year.
+
+The child should also be held accountable for his money. If he is old
+enough to have any money, or to spend any, he is old enough to tell
+how he spent it, even to the last penny. Unless all is accounted for,
+the habits of accuracy and care are not formed. The record of this
+should be written down, even if done very simply and without special
+form, and later, as the child grows older, more conventional forms of
+bookkeeping should be required.
+
+It should be also required that there be some saving, which is
+preferably a certain proportion of the whole, this for a beginning to
+which to add extra sums as the child may wish. This saved sum should
+be permanently put by, and drawing from it should not be permitted. It
+may be transferred to a bank at long intervals, always by the child
+himself, and his pride in doing it and keeping it there should be
+cultivated.
+
+These matters may all be made a game and sheer fun. Their grave
+importance is apparent on every hand. For the child which has been
+taught early to do these things, will do them with such ease as to
+make it seem instinctive, and the child who does it will never, under
+any ordinary circumstances, come to want.
+
+The proper behavior in church should be taught rather by trying to
+inculcate the spirit of worship than by making rules to be followed. A
+child is very susceptible to impressiveness of any sort, and if the
+reason for it is made clear to him, he will be quicker to respond to
+it by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an older person. Even
+the obstreperous child is at least temporarily impressed, if he sees
+that others are, and if he knows the reason for it.
+
+Children should realize that it is their privilege and duty to serve
+guests, whether their own or their parents. The sacrifice of one's own
+comfort for the sake of the guest takes, with a child, the form of a
+sort of play, usually because of the excitement of the arrival of a
+stranger, and the possibilities of fun in the enjoyment of the
+stranger's stay.
+
+The child should be taught respect for the guest's person, and should
+not be allowed to take the same liberties with a gown or a glove that
+sometimes the mother or aunts permit, no matter how great the novelty
+of the texture or how it appeals to the child's sense of beauty. The
+privileges of being a guest should be always duly respected, and the
+child be thus taught at once his duty as a host and his position as a
+guest.
+
+Children should never be allowed to play with a visitor's hat or cane,
+or handle furniture or ornaments in a strange house, or show by
+ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a child, in unaccustomed
+surroundings, naturally feels. They can be taught so great a respect
+for the possessions of others that they would become able to stifle
+their curiosity, or express it only at a fitting time.
+
+Children should not be sent to the drawing-room to entertain
+visitors, unless the visitors request it themselves. Nor should they
+be allowed to be troublesome to visitors or guests at any time, any
+more than servants should be allowed to be insolent. They should never
+be allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests, nor to visit them
+often or long.
+
+Children should not be permitted to enter into the pleasures of their
+elders when, to do so, would be to spoil the kind of sociability for
+which the occasion was intended. At all formal functions, children are
+out of place. When making formal calls, children are usually in the
+way, and the silent part they are forced to play is disagreeable for
+them. They are also out of place at a funeral, or in a cemetery, or
+anywhere that there is mourning. It is an injury to a child to see
+grief,--unless it be his great concern, and in that case it is no
+longer a matter of etiquette, but of necessary life experience.
+
+Children should not dine out except by special invitation. It is as
+discourteous to permit a child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a
+neighbor, as it is wrong for the child to think that such uninvited
+visits are permissible.
+
+A child should be taught never to touch what does not belong to it,
+except with the express permission of the owner. This applies to goods
+in a store, as well as to the furniture of places other than his
+home, and to the belongings of others in his home.
+
+A child should not be allowed to intrude into a drive, a walk, a call,
+or a conversation. It is unfair to the child, and awkward for him, and
+is no kindness, as it takes away the benefit which he might otherwise
+derive from the pleasure either by continually snubbing his
+self-respect, or by repressing his energy and curiosity to the danger
+point.
+
+Children should not be allowed to go to picnic parties, unless they
+have been invited and entertainment prepared for them.
+
+Children should be taught to treat servants with all the politeness
+with which they treat their elders, and with much more consideration.
+The converse of the servants with children should be of the same
+careful and pleasant quality that the best parents use and desire.
+This may well be insisted upon. On the other hand, the children should
+be taught that servants are busy people, that they should never be
+imposed upon, and that unnecessary work should not be made for them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING
+
+
+UPON the occasion of a death in the family a reliable undertaker is at
+once notified and his suggestions followed as to the necessary
+preparations to be made for the funeral.
+
+The shades are drawn throughout the front of the house, as a sign that
+the family is in retirement. The women of the family are not seen upon
+the street unless necessary, the men taking full charge of all
+business matters. The directions which the undertaker desires should
+be decided upon by the family, or nearest relative of the deceased,
+and then some one member of the family should be delegated to see that
+they are carried out. Palm leaves tied with ribbon or chiffon, spray
+bouquets of white flowers tied with ribbon, an ivy wreath broken with
+a bunch of purple everlasting, are much preferred to crape upon the
+door.
+
+Press notices of the funeral and death should be sent to the
+newspapers. The conduct of the funeral should be arranged with the
+clergyman chosen to officiate, the superintendent of the cemetery
+consulted (usually through the undertaker), and the notes of request
+sent to those chosen to act as pallbearers. Sometimes the latter are
+purely honorary, the undertaker furnishing the bearers. The honor is
+usually given to intimate family friends, or close business associates
+in case of a business man.
+
+A carriage is always provided for the clergyman, and he is entitled to
+a fee, although clergymen do not charge it, either at a home or church
+funeral. If the service is held at a church, the sexton, organist and
+singers,--and the singers at a home funeral as well,--are entitled to
+recompense for their services.
+
+Carriages are sent for the pallbearers, and are also provided to
+convey the family, and as many of the friends as may be invited to go,
+to the cemetery.
+
+One may announce in the newspaper "Burial private," in which case it
+is understood that only the family attend at the grave; or "No
+flowers" if the family wish the usual sending of flowers dispensed
+with.
+
+The clergyman usually consults the wishes of the family as to the form
+of service, the hymns or music, and remarks. The funeral service
+should be brief, and preferably a ritual service with no sermon or
+eulogy. The last are usually harrowing to the feelings of the
+mourners, and there should be every reasonable effort made to relieve
+the tension of the occasion, for the sake of the living.
+
+At a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the first pews at the left
+of the center aisle; the family in those to the right. At a home
+funeral it is customary to have the family in some secluded room near
+the one where the coffin is placed and to have the clergyman stand in
+the hall between, or at the entrance of the drawing-room, where he may
+be readily heard by all.
+
+If the service at the grave immediately follows the funeral the house
+should meanwhile be aired, the shades lifted, the flowers all sent
+away to some hospital, and the rooms arranged in the usual way.
+
+Before a funeral at the home, it is necessary for some member of the
+family to receive the relatives from the distance, and the very
+intimate friends, and see that they are given necessary refreshment,
+and their return to trains, if they must leave immediately after the
+funeral, thoroughly understood by the hackmen.
+
+At a home funeral the singers should be somewhat distant from the
+family, so that the music is not loud.
+
+The members of the family are dressed in hats and veils ready to enter
+the carriages, before the service. They pass to view the body,--if,
+according to a former custom, the casket is left open,--last of all,
+and enter the last carriage before that of the pallbearers, which
+immediately precedes the hearse.
+
+In sending flowers to a funeral, one's card is enclosed. There should
+be no slightest sense of obligation in the sending of flowers, and
+each piece should represent only real sympathy or respect.
+
+The putting on of black garments as a sign that one has lost a near
+relative has been much modified by the good sense of the people, and
+the period of mourning shortened, especially in England. In stating
+the accepted mourning custom, the moderate observance of it has been
+given, both extremes being ignored.
+
+Crape is the quality of goods most closely allied with mourning. Black
+dresses trimmed with black crape are usually worn for the first few
+months by women who have lost a near relative. The black veil worn by
+widows is now of moderate length, and usually not of the very thick
+material which was once in vogue. A ruche of white is now placed just
+inside the bonnet, which relieves the black effect somewhat. Black
+furs and sealskins are worn with mourning.
+
+The English fashion of six months of the deepest mourning and six
+months of secondary is meeting with more and more approval in this
+country, although for a close relative a year is the first period and
+six months the second.
+
+One who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six
+months; after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical,
+but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn.
+
+During the mourning period, black-bordered stationery is used. The
+border on paper and envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch for
+a close relative and half that for a more distant one, or during the
+secondary period of mourning, if one cares to make the change. The
+personal visiting card has a black border during this time.
+
+The handkerchief is bordered with narrow black, or is of
+narrow-bordered, plain, sheer linen.
+
+For relatives-in-law it is not customary to put on black, although for
+a father- or mother-in-law it is customary, in the best society, to
+dress nearly as for an own father or mother.
+
+A widower wears a complete suit of black, white linen, dull-black silk
+neckties, dull-black leather shoes, black gloves, and a black ribbon
+of broader width upon his hat.
+
+The mourning band sewed upon the coat sleeve is a discredited form of
+mourning. It does not denote the nearness of the loss, and has only
+the virtue of cheapness for those who cannot afford to show marked
+respect to the dead.
+
+Men do not observe the custom of withdrawing from society for as long
+a time as do the women, but usually reappear at the homes of intimate
+friends, at public places of entertainment, and at the club after two
+or three months. As long as the mourning band is worn upon the hat,
+however, no man should attend large and fashionable functions, as
+dinner or dancing parties, or the theater.
+
+After six months a woman may resume calling, returning the calls of
+those who called upon her in the early weeks of her bereavement.
+
+Children of fifteen years of age and under should not wear mourning.
+
+The viewing of the body of the deceased as it lies in the casket is
+the privilege of only the family and the immediate friends, and should
+not be requested by others. Therefore, the casket is now usually
+closed before the funeral service, especially if that be at a church.
+In case of a man in public office, it is sometimes necessary that the
+body should lie in state for certain hours, when the public may pay
+their respects.
+
+Punctuality is very necessary in regard to everything connected with a
+funeral service, as the overwrought nerves of those who are sorrowing
+should not be taxed to bear any extra tension.
+
+Within ten days after the funeral, a card of thanks for sympathy
+should be sent to all who have called upon the family or sent flowers
+or offered their services in any way.
+
+When one is in mourning, one does not attend a wedding reception,
+though one may be present at the ceremony. Black should not be worn.
+
+Mourners announce their return to society by sending out their cards
+to friends and acquaintances.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+MILITARY, NAVAL, AND FLAG ETIQUETTE
+
+
+THE social usage in respect to military or naval officers follows
+ordinarily the customs of formal occasions or occasions of state in
+civilian life, or is provided for in the instructions of the army and
+the navy, which the members of those two departments of the service
+would alone be expected to know. There are, however, one or two
+occasions where the etiquette of social life is, or may be, modified
+by the formalities due to these representatives of the Government.
+
+
+_The Formal Military Wedding_
+
+The church or formal home wedding where the bridegroom and his
+attendants are all army men, may have the distinctive feature of the
+arch of swords or bayonets. The bridegroom and the ushers, in that
+case, are all in full dress uniform. The bride and bridesmaids are
+dressed daintily and fluffily to afford contrast. The church should be
+decorated with palms and lilies, and with the national and the
+regimental flags in the chancel. As the organist begins the
+wedding-march, two color-bearers of the regiment, carrying one the
+national flag and the other the regimental colors, precede the
+bridegroom and the best man from the vestry. The latter take their
+usual places, and the color-bearers move to a position at either side
+of the chancel steps. After the ceremony, they move to the head of the
+aisle, and the ushers form a line to the foot of the chancel steps.
+The ushers then put on their caps, unsheathe their swords, or raise
+their bayonets, and form an arch with them. Under this arch pass the
+bride and bridegroom, and the bridesmaids. Then, sheathing their
+swords and removing their caps, the ushers fall into line at the end
+of the procession.
+
+
+_Naval and Yachting Usage_
+
+When one is the guest of the owners or the officers of a yacht, or of
+the officers of a government warship or other large vessel, it is well
+to know that in the lading of the gig for reaching and leaving the
+ship, the order of precedence is always as follows: Juniors in rank or
+official importance enter the gig first, and the one highest in rank
+immediately precedes the Captain, who is always the last to embark and
+the first to disembark. In leaving the gig, the order is reversed
+from that on entering it, the junior in rank thus being the last to
+leave the boat.
+
+
+_The Etiquette of the Flag_
+
+The flag is displayed every day only on government buildings and
+schoolhouses. On state holidays, and like commemorative days when it
+is customary for the flag to be displayed on private buildings, it
+should be raised at sunrise and lowered at sunset. It should not be
+displayed on stormy days, nor left out over night. It should never be
+allowed to touch the ground. When it is to be displayed at half-mast
+only, it should be raised to the tip of the staff and then lowered
+halfway. It should never be festooned or draped, but always be hung
+flat.
+
+On Memorial Day, May 30, the flag should be displayed at half-mast
+until twelve o'clock noon, and then raised to the top of the staff
+until sunset. The salute for the changing of the position of the flag
+at all army posts and stations having artillery, is as follows:
+immediately before noon, the band plays some appropriate air, and at
+the stroke of twelve the national salute of twenty-one guns is fired.
+After this the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff, while
+everybody stands at attention, with hand raised to the forehead ready
+for the salute. When the colors reach the top, the salute is given,
+and the band plays patriotic airs.
+
+The salute to the flag is used at its formal raising, and when it
+passes on parade or in review. The hand salute according to the
+regulations of the United States Army is as follows:
+
+"Standing at attention, raise the right hand to the forehead over the
+right eye, palm downward, fingers extended and close together, arm at
+an angle of forty-five degrees. Move hand outward about a foot, with a
+quick motion then drop to the side. When the colors are passing on
+parade or in review, the spectator should, if walking, halt, if
+sitting, arise, and stand at attention and uncover."
+
+In schools two forms of salute are taught. The first, for primary
+children, is: "We give our heads and our hearts to God and our
+country; one country, one land, one flag." The second, for all other
+pupils, is: "I pledge allegiance to my flag and to the Republic for
+which it stands: one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for
+all."
+
+When the flag is carried on parade, it is dipped in salute to the
+official who is reviewing the parade. Whenever the flag is displayed
+with other flags,--whether the colors of a regiment or other military
+organization, or of alien nations,--it should be placed, or carried,
+or crossed, at the right of the other flag or flags. When portrayed
+in illustrations by any process or for any purpose, it is so pictured
+that the staff will always be at the left and the fabric will float to
+the right.
+
+The chief regulations governing the composition of the flag are as
+follows: In the _field_ of the flag there should be thirteen
+horizontal stripes, alternating red and white, the first and the last
+stripes red. These stripes represent the thirteen original colonies.
+The colors red and white were chosen by George Washington, the red
+from the flag of England, the Mother Country, broken by the white,
+symbolizing liberty, to show the separation. The _union_ of the
+flag--white stars on a field of blue--should be seven stripes high,
+and about seven-tenths of the height of the flag in length. "The stars
+should have five points, with one point directly upward."[A] The stars
+symbolize the States. "By an act of Congress on October 26, 1912, the
+flag now has forty-eight stars, arranged in six horizontal rows of
+eight each."
+
+
+THE END
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[A] Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag."
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+
+  Abbreviations, 99, 113, 115
+  Absent-mindedness, 125
+  Acceptances, 112
+  Accidents at table, 154
+  Accounts for children, 219, 220
+  Acknowledgment of wedding gifts, 211
+  Addresses on cards, 100;
+    on envelopes, 60-66, 118;
+    on invitations, 114, 118
+  Addressing:
+    The President of the United States, 62, 63;
+    Vice President, 63;
+    Members of the Cabinet, 64;
+    Ambassadors, 63, 64;
+    Governors, 63;
+    Mayors, 63;
+    The King of England, 64;
+    Dukes, 65;
+    The Pope, 65;
+    Bishops and Archbishops, 65, 66;
+    strangers, 66, 67;
+    married women, 67
+  Addressing wedding invitations, 118
+  After-dinner speeches, 166
+  Afternoon tea, 145
+  Afternoon teas for the engaged girl, 180
+  Allowances for children, 219, 220
+  Amusement, places of, 122-124, 170
+  Anger, 8
+  Anniversaries, 40
+  Announcement of engagement, 179-181;
+    by newspaper notice, 179;
+    by personal note, 74
+  Announcements: engagement, 74, 179-181;
+    birth, 104, 105;
+    death, 224, 225;
+    marriage, 116;
+    postponements, 119, 120
+  Answering Letters, 76
+  Apology, 29, 31
+  Appearance, personal, 6, 10
+  Applauding, 124
+  Art of Being a Guest, The, 137-144
+  "At Home" days, 145, 146
+  "At Home" invitations of bridal couple, 116, 117
+  Attitude toward strangers, 132, 133, 135
+
+  Balls, 112
+  "Bal Poudre" invitations, 112
+  Beauty, 10, 15
+  Begging pardon, 29, 82, 130
+  Behavior in church, 124, 125;
+    public, 122-136
+  Best man, duties of, 8, 196-199, 201, 205, 208
+  Birth announcements, 104, 105
+  Birthday anniversaries, 41
+  Blank invitation, the, 109, 110
+  Bow, the, manner of, 78, 79;
+    significance of, 80-82
+  Breakfasts, 148, 149;
+    dress at, 12, 36;
+    menu of, 148;
+    wedding, 204-207
+  Bridal party:
+    at rehearsal, 191;
+    at "showers" and dinners, 181-183;
+    at church, 192
+  Bridal procession, formation of, 196, 202, 203;
+    at a church wedding, 197, 199;
+    at a home wedding, 202
+  Bridal "Showers," 181-183
+  Bridal veil, 190
+  Bridegroom's duties at ceremony, 196-199;
+    preparation of a home, 185;
+    share of expense of wedding, 186;
+    wedding outfit, 186, 187
+  Bridesmaid, duties of a, 8, 196-200
+  Business acquaintances, 129
+  Business cards, 100
+  Business, etiquette of, 83, 129
+  Business introductions by correspondence, 70
+  Business letters, 54, 55, 60
+  Business meetings, 123
+  Business training of a wife, 23
+  Business women, social life of, 171, 172
+
+  Cake:
+    wedding, 206;
+    bridal, 207
+  Calling upon one person, 93;
+    a guest, 93
+  Calls:
+    after entertainment, 90, 138;
+    by men, 92;
+    first, 94, 95;
+    formal, 90;
+    friendly, 90, 93;
+    obligations of, 91, 138;
+    upon brides, 94;
+    clergymen, 94;
+    government officials in Washington, 94;
+    newcomers, 94;
+    people of note, 94;
+    return of, 90, 95;
+    time of, 90
+  Candles, use of, 151
+  Card, The Personal, 96-105;
+    form of, 96, 105;
+    form of name on, 97, 98;
+    inscription of, 97-100;
+    titles on, 97, 100, 101;
+    use of, 102-105;
+    after change of residence, 103;
+    announcing a birth, 104, 105;
+    announcing a departure, 104;
+    leaving, 90, 91, 103;
+    of sympathy, 104;
+    of congratulation, 104;
+    presenting at calls, 91, 95, 102;
+    when visiting or traveling, 103, 131
+  Cards, Place, 152
+  Carriages for wedding, 193, 196;
+    for funeral, 226
+  Casual Meetings, 78-90
+  Chaperon, Duties of the, 169-173;
+    necessity of, 169;
+    in public, 169, 170;
+    at calls, 170, 172;
+    with the engaged couple, 173;
+    for the debutante, 172;
+    relations with one's, 172, 173;
+    at a dancing party, 139, 147
+  Character, 7
+  Children, Etiquette for, 214-223;
+    and mourning, 222;
+    and servants, 214, 223;
+    and visitors, 221, 222;
+    at the dining table, 217;
+    in church, 220
+  Church, attendance, 143;
+    behavior in, 124, 125;
+      of children, 220
+  Church weddings, public, 194, 213;
+    private, 213;
+    invitations, 114-119
+  Cleanliness, 14
+  Club dinners or receptions, 165, 166
+  Club invitations, 111
+  Club officers, 165
+  Conclusions of letters, 66, 70
+  Coffee, service of, 154
+  Condolence, letters of, 75, 76;
+    acknowledgment, 76, 120
+  Congratulations, 76
+  Conformity to custom, 203
+  Congresses, guests at, 167
+  Consideration on the part of a guest, 141-143
+  Convalescence, 45
+  Conversation, 16, 48-52;
+    at table, 35, 46
+  Correspondence, 52-55
+  Correspondence cards, 56
+  Country, entertainment in the, 161-164;
+    parties, 144, 164
+  Country wedding, 117, 212, 213
+  Courses at formal dinner, 157, 158
+  Courtesy, 2, 3, 4, 5, 18, 19, 20;
+    to servants, 45, 46, 47, 144;
+    to nurse and doctor, 45;
+    to invalids, 44
+  Cutlery, arrangement of, 152
+
+  Dancing Parties, 138, 139, 140;
+    invitations, 109-111
+  Daylight, use of, 149
+  Deaf persons, 32
+  Debate, 50, 51
+  Debutante and the chaperon, 169, 172
+  Decorations for wedding, 192
+  Deference to elders, 214
+  Dessert, service of, 154, 158
+  Dinners, 149-158;
+    announcement of, 155;
+    choice of guests, 150;
+    conversation at, 49, 150;
+    formal, 137, 149;
+    invitations to, 109, 150;
+    lighting of, 151;
+    menu of, 157, 158;
+    place cards for, 152;
+    retiring from, 156;
+    seating guests at, 151, 155, 156;
+    service of, 152, 153;
+    table-setting for, 151, 152
+  Discipline, 46, 47
+  Dress, 11, 36, 112, 128, 134, 140, 186-190
+  Dress for men:
+    afternoon, 13, 94;
+    early breakfast, 13;
+    formal breakfast, 13;
+    evening, 14, 156;
+    at weddings, 14, 186
+  Dress for women:
+    at home, 16;
+    ball, 13;
+    church, 12, 189;
+    dinner, 12, 13, 150, 155, 189;
+    formal breakfast, 12;
+    house party, 140;
+    luncheon, 12;
+    mourning, 13;
+    traveling, 130, 141;
+    visiting, 140;
+    wedding, 187-189;
+    as business woman, 15;
+    as hostess, 13;
+    as housewife, 16;
+    as milliner, 15
+  Driving, 127, 128
+  Duties of Host and Hostess, 145-168
+
+  Emerson, iv
+  Engaged couple, the:
+    at a dancing party, 139;
+    at home, 177;
+    duties to friends, 178;
+    in society, 177-179;
+    meeting each other's friends, 178, 179
+  Engagement announcements, 179-181
+  Engagement, The Broken, 183-185;
+    announcement of, 183, 184;
+    explanation of, 184
+  Engagements:
+    punctuality, 17, 32;
+    punctiliousness in keeping, 17
+  English customs of entertainment, 158, 159
+  Engraved Invitation, The, 105-121;
+    stock of, 105, 106;
+    type of, 106, 107, 108;
+    size of, 105, 106
+  Entering a room, 27
+  Entertainment, assisting in, 123, 124;
+    English customs of, 159;
+    for guests, 142, 162;
+    in the country, 163
+  Entertainment committees, duties of, 166
+  Envelopes, 118;
+    addressing, 59, 60, 61, 114, 118;
+    sealing, 59;
+    stamping, 59
+  Ethics, 1
+  Etiquette, an art, 2;
+    the end of, iii;
+    the need of, iii, 2;
+    The Rewards of, 1-5
+  Etiquette of Mourning, 224-230
+  Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement, The, 174-193
+
+  Family Etiquette, 20-47
+  Faults among women, 18
+  Fees, 144
+  Festivities, rural, 164
+  Finger bowls, 37
+  First Calls, 94, 95
+  Five o'clock tea, 145
+  Forms of wedding invitations, 114, 115;
+    announcements, 115, 116;
+    reception cards, 116, 117;
+    bridal "At Home" cards, 116, 117;
+    personal cards, 96-105;
+    dinner invitations, 109;
+    reception, 117; "At Home," 116, 117, 120;
+    party, 109;
+    New Year, 121
+  Forms of announcements of postponement, 119, 120;
+    gratitude for sympathy, 120
+  Friends, 21, 42-44
+
+  General Rules of Conduct, 26-33
+  Gifts, 40, 41, 42;
+    engagement, 181, 185;
+    for "showers," 181-183;
+    of bridegroom to bride, 186;
+    of bridegroom to ushers and bridesmaids, 186;
+    to servants, 144;
+    wedding, 210-213
+  Giving away the bride, 198
+  Gloves, 149, 151
+  Golden Rule, 2
+  Good-night formalities, 28;
+    at a reception, 138;
+    dancing party, 140;
+    dinner, 156
+  Graduations, 167, 168
+  Greeting guests at a luncheon, 149;
+    dinner, 156;
+    reception, 147
+  Greetings, 28, 78-83
+  Guest chamber, 160, 161
+  Guest, the art of being a, 137-144, 167
+  Guest:
+    at afternoon tea, 137, 138;
+    a congress, etc., 166, 167;
+    country house, 159;
+    dancing party, 138;
+    reception, 138;
+    wedding, 195, 196, 201
+  Guests, tardiness of, 155
+
+  Handshaking, 80, 82, 86, 87
+  Handwriting, 58
+  Haughtiness, 11
+  Home, founding the, 20-26
+  Home wedding, the, 201-203;
+    invitations, 115
+  Horseback riding, 128, 129
+  Hospitality, 145, 165-168
+  Hotel etiquette, 126, 127, 133-136;
+    dining-room civility, 135-136;
+    dress in, 134
+  House parties, 158, 159;
+    sports at, 163
+  Household management, 22
+  Host, duties of, 137, 166-168
+  Hostess, duties of, 127, 137
+
+  Illness, 44, 45
+  Impartiality, 30
+  Informality in entertaining, 164
+  Ink, 58
+  Inscriptions on cards, 97-100
+  Interruptions, 17, 49
+  Introduction, letters of, 70-72;
+    advisability of, for business, 70;
+    socially, 70, 71;
+    presentation of, 72;
+    obligations of, 72
+  Introductions, 84-89, 148;
+    at chance meetings, 87;
+    at a dancing party, 87, 89, 138, 139;
+    at a dinner, 89, 149;
+    by a guest, 86;
+    by a hostess, 86, 90;
+    discrimination in, 85;
+    form of, 84;
+    of a gentleman to a lady, 84, 86, 88;
+    responses to, 84;
+    responsibility for, 88;
+    to one's relatives, 88
+  Invitations (_See_ "Engraved Invitation, The");
+    for dinner and dance, 111;
+    entertainment at club, 111;
+    formal, 105-121;
+    informal, 74, 112;
+    of widower, 111, 113;
+    bachelor, 111, 113;
+    widower with daughters, 111;
+    to call, 93;
+    to "Bal Poudre," 112;
+    dancing or other parties, 109;
+    dinners, 109;
+    luncheons, 108;
+    receptions, 117, 120, 121;
+    "showers," 182;
+    visits, 158;
+    weddings, 114-117;
+    to meet a guest, 120, 146;
+    to meet a son, 113;
+    to mourners, 114
+  Invitations, written, 110, 112;
+    acceptances of, 112;
+    replies to, 113
+
+  Jewelry, 12
+
+  Kant, 2
+
+  Letter writing, 52;
+    discretion in, 52, 53
+  Letters:
+    Conclusion of, 66;
+    of classic literature, 53;
+    of condolence, 75, 76;
+    of Introduction, 70-72;
+    of recommendation, 73;
+    opening those of others, 24;
+    opening, in company, 29;
+    Salutation of, 66-68;
+    Signature of, 66-69;
+    to servants, 74;
+    to strangers, 74;
+    giving orders, 74
+  Letter-heads, 56, 57
+  Lifting the hat, 78, 81, 82, 83
+  Linen, for dinner, 151;
+    trousseau, 189, 190
+  Luncheon, 148, 149;
+    menu of, 148;
+    dress at, 12
+
+  Maid of honor, duties of, 197, 199
+  Management of household, 22
+  Mannerisms, 17
+  Manners, 7
+  Marriage, 20, 21;
+    ceremony, 197, 198;
+    certificate, 191;
+    customs, 203;
+    license, 190;
+    obligations of, 20-26
+  Men's cards, 96;
+    club name on, 100;
+    form of, 96;
+    inscription on, 97;
+    omission of address, 100;
+    titles on, 97, 100, 101
+  Monograms, 56
+  Monopoly of conversation, 49;
+    in friendship, 43, 44
+  Morals, 7
+  Mourning, dress of, 227-229;
+    Etiquette of, 224-230;
+    periods of, 227;
+    stationery of, 228
+  Music at a wedding, 197, 200, 202
+
+  Neatness, 14, 46, 129
+  Neglect of family, 22, 25
+  Nichols, Dr. T. L., 9, title-page
+  Non-acknowledgment of courtesies, 18
+  Notes, apologetic 55;
+    congratulatory, 76;
+    requesting a favor, 55;
+    social, 57, 58;
+    sympathetic, 75, 76
+
+  Obligations of letters of introduction, 72
+  Old English type, 106-108
+  Openings, formal business, 165
+  Out-door weddings, 212
+
+  Paper for correspondence, 55
+  Parents:
+    consideration for, 217;
+    consulting, 174;
+    duties of, 169, 170;
+    negligence of, 173
+  Party invitations, 109, 110, 112
+  Penmanship of invitations, 110
+  Personal Card, The, 96-105
+  Personality, 6-19
+  Picnics, 163, 161
+  Place cards, 151, 152
+  Plates, service of, 153
+  Position, 10;
+    at table, 33
+  Posture, 10, 28
+  "P. p. c." cards, 99
+  Presentation of letters of introduction, 72
+  Presents: birthday, 41;
+    graduation, 42;
+    to the ill, 45;
+    wedding, 40, 210-212
+  Press notices, of engagements, 179;
+    funerals, 224, 225
+  Privacy, 24
+  Professional cards, 100
+  Proposal of marriage, 174-179;
+    by letter, 175;
+    decision of, 175;
+    spontaneity of, 176;
+    warding off, 175
+  Public Behavior in, 122-136
+  Public functions, 165-168
+  Punctuality, 17, 32, 142, 149, 154;
+    at church, 125;
+    at funerals, 229;
+    for children, 217, 218
+
+  Receiving, at an afternoon tea, 147;
+    dancing party, 147;
+    debutante party, 147
+  Reception, guest at, 137, 138
+  Receptions, 137, 147;
+    business openings, 165;
+    college or school, 167;
+    club, 165
+  Recommendation, letters of, 73
+  Rehearsal for wedding, 191
+  Rejection of proposals, 175
+  Removing hats in public places, 18, 122
+  Replies to business letters, 76;
+    friendly letters, 76;
+    letters of introduction, 72;
+    notes of invitation, 76
+  Reply requests, 73
+  Reverence, 125
+  Riding dress, 128
+  "R. s. v. p.," 113
+  Rural festivities, 164
+
+  Sacrifices, 42, 45
+  Salutations, 28;
+    of letters, 66-68
+  Savings banks for children, 220
+  School behavior, 218, 219
+  Script type, 106-108
+  Sealing Envelopes, 59
+  Seating guests at table, 151, 165, 156
+  Self-consciousness, 10
+  Self-control, 8, 31, 215
+  Send-off of bridal couple, 207
+  Servants, 73, 144;
+    and children, 223;
+    in the country, 161
+  Service of a dinner, 152-158
+  Shaded Roman type, 106-108
+  "Showers," Bridal, 181-183
+  Signatures, 66-70
+  Simplicity in the country, 161-164
+  Sincerity, 7, 9
+  Social introductions by correspondence, 70-72
+  Social calls of men, 92-94
+  Social life of the married, 24
+  Speech, 7, 16
+  Speeches, after-dinner, 166;
+    at wedding breakfast, 206
+  Stamping Envelopes, 59
+  Stationery for mourning, 57, 228
+  Stock of invitations, 105, 106
+  Strangers, addressing, 66, 67;
+    attitude toward, 122, 124, 130-132, 135
+  Street etiquette, 129, 132, 133
+  Sympathy cards, 120
+
+  Table etiquette, 33-40;
+    for children, 217
+  Third-person letters, 74
+  Time of wedding, 194
+  Tips, 144
+  Titles on cards, 97, 100, 101
+  Training of servants, 46
+  Traveling, 130, 131;
+    dress, 130;
+    expense, 131
+  Trousseau, 187-190
+  Type of invitations, 100-108
+
+  Unselfishness, 9
+  Use of cards, 102-106
+  Ushers, at wedding, duties of, 195-198, 201
+
+  Visits, 158-165;
+    being entertained, 142, 162, 164;
+    dress, 140;
+    entertainment, 158, 159, 163, 164;
+    length, 158;
+    prolonging, 142
+
+  Wardrobe of bride, 187-189;
+    of bridegroom, 186
+  Wedding, anniversaries, 40, 41;
+    breakfast, 204-206;
+    cake, 206, 207;
+    fee, 208-210;
+    invitations, 114-119;
+    journey, 208;
+    preparation for, 185-193;
+    presents, 210-212;
+    reception, 205, 207;
+    ring, 191;
+    suit for bridegroom, 186, 187;
+    wardrobe of bride, 187-189
+  Whispering, 29, 123
+  Withdrawal from society during mourning, 224, 227, 228
+  Writing on cards, 99
+
+      *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
+
+This text uses both out-door and outdoor. This was retained.
+
+Page viii, "Person" changed to "person" (Third-person Correspondence)
+
+Page 57, "Letter" changed to "letter" (Dead-Letter Office)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway
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