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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Etiquette of To-day
+
+Author: Edith B. Ordway
+
+Release Date: August 27, 2007 [EBook #22417]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and Emmy
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+
+
+
+HANDBOOKS
+
+
+BY EDITH B. ORDWAY
+
+  The Handbook of Conundrums
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  The Handbook of Quotations
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  The Etiquette of To-day
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.25 net
+
+  Handbook of the Operas
+
+  New and Enlarged Edition
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.50 net
+  Full paste, grain leather            $3.00 net
+
+  Synonyms and Antonyms
+  12mo, cloth                          $1.50 net
+
+  GEORGE SULLY & COMPANY
+  NEW YORK
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+REVISED AND ENLARGED
+
+
+BY
+
+EDITH B. ORDWAY
+
+Author of "The Opera Book," etc.
+
+
+        NEW YORK
+        GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+        _Copyright, 1918_
+        BY SULLY AND KLEINTEICH
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+        _Revised Edition, Copyright, 1920_
+        BY GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
+        _All rights reserved_
+
+
+
+        PRINTED IN U. S. A.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+THE customs of social life need frequent restating and adaptation to
+new needs. They are customs because they are the best rules of conduct
+that have been garnered from the experiences of succeeding generations
+under common conditions.
+
+To know them, to catch their spirit, and to follow them in an
+intelligent way, without slavish punctiliousness but with careful
+observance, make one skillful in the art of social intercourse, and at
+home in any society.
+
+Etiquette will not take the place of character, nor of an accurate
+knowledge of human nature and the arts of practical life. Given these,
+however, it will unlock to any man or woman doors of success and
+profit and real happiness which, without it, would have remained
+forever closed.
+
+                                                           E. B. O.
+
+        "We feel 'at home' wherever we know how to conduct
+        ourselves."
+
+                                                T. L. NICHOLS
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+  CHAPTER                                                    PAGE
+
+     I. The Rewards of Etiquette                               1
+
+    II. Personality                                            6
+
+   III. Family Etiquette                                      20
+          Obligations of the Married                          20
+          General Rules of Conduct                            26
+          Table Etiquette                                     33
+          Anniversaries                                       40
+          The Giving of Presents                              41
+          Intimate Friends                                    42
+          Illness in the Home                                 44
+          Courtesy to Servants                                45
+
+    IV. Conversation and Correspondence                       48
+          The Art of Conversation                             48
+          Correspondence                                      52
+            Paper                                             55
+            Ink                                               58
+            Handwriting                                       58
+            Sealing, Stamping, and Directing of Envelopes     59
+            Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters  66
+            Letters of Introduction                           70
+            Letters of Recommendation                         73
+            Third-person Letters                              74
+            Informal Invitations and Announcements            74
+            Letters of Condolence                             75
+            Answering Letters                                 76
+
+     V. Casual Meetings and Calls                             78
+          Greetings and Recognitions                          78
+          Introductions                                       84
+          Calls                                               90
+          Social Calls of Men                                 92
+          First Calls                                         94
+
+    VI. The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation         96
+          Form of Card                                        96
+            Inscription                                       97
+            Titles                                           100
+            Use                                              102
+          The Engraved Invitation                            105
+            Dining and Party Invitations                     108
+            Wedding Invitations and Announcements            114
+            Various Announcement Cards                       119
+
+   VII. Behavior in Public                                   122
+
+  VIII. The Art of Being a Guest                             137
+
+    IX. Duties of Host and Hostess                           145
+          Breakfasts and Luncheons                           148
+          The Formal Dinner                                  149
+          Visits                                             158
+          Special Duties of the Country Hostess              161
+          Public Functions                                   165
+
+     X. Duties of the Chaperon                               169
+
+    XI. Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement                 174
+          The Proposal                                       174
+          Announcement of Engagement                         179
+          Bridal "Showers"                                   181
+          The Broken Engagement                              183
+          Preparation for a Wedding                          185
+
+   XII. The Conduct of a Wedding                             194
+          The Church Wedding                                 194
+          The Home Wedding                                   201
+          The Wedding Breakfast                              204
+          The Wedding Journey                                208
+          The Wedding Fee                                    208
+          Wedding Presents                                   210
+          The Country Wedding                                212
+
+  XIII. Etiquette for Children                               214
+
+   XIV. Etiquette of Mourning                                224
+
+    XV. Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette                  231
+          The Formal Military Wedding                        231
+          Naval and Yachting Usage                           232
+          Etiquette of the Flag                              233
+
+        INDEX                                                237
+
+
+        "THE secret of success in society is a certain
+        heartiness and sympathy. A man who is not happy in the
+        company cannot find any word in his memory that will
+        fit the occasion. All his information is a little
+        impertinent. A man who is happy there finds in every
+        turn of the conversation equally lucky occasions for
+        the introduction of that which he has to say. The
+        favorites of society, and what it calls _whole souls_,
+        are able men, and of more spirit than wit, who have no
+        uncomfortable egoism, but who exactly fill the hour
+        and the company, contented and contenting, at a
+        marriage or a funeral, a ball or a jury, a water party
+        or a shooting match."
+
+                                                  _Emerson._
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+THE REWARDS OF ETIQUETTE
+
+
+SOCIETY is a game which all men play. "Etiquette" is the name given
+the rules of the game. If you play it well, you win. If you play it
+ill, you lose. The prize is a certain sort of happiness without which
+no human being is ever quite satisfied.
+
+Because the demand for social happiness is thus fundamental in human
+nature, the game has to be played quite seriously. If played
+seriously, it is perforce successful, even when the outward signs of
+triumph are lacking. Played seriously, it becomes a worthy part of the
+great enterprise of noble living, the science of which is called
+"Ethics." Therefore the best etiquette is that which is based upon the
+fundamental principles of ethics.
+
+The etiquette, as well as the ethics, of to-day may well be summed up
+in the one maxim known as the "Golden Rule": "Do unto others as you
+would that others should do unto you." Or in the philosophic statement
+of it, given by Kant: "Act so that the maxim of thy conduct shall be
+fit to be universal law."
+
+A certain social sense is, therefore, the foundation upon which all
+concerted action rests; and this, permeating the character and winning
+conformity in the life, produces a social order which is at once the
+criterion of civilization and the source of its power.
+
+Every social code presupposes the trained personality, that is, the
+individual who is intelligent enough and controlled enough to conform
+to the rules prescribed for the good of all. It is only in the common
+good that true individual good can be found. Therefore is it so
+essential that every man regard his brother's welfare as anxiously as
+his own, and permit himself to be curbed in his extravagances, limited
+in the indulgence of even legitimate desires, in order that he may not
+defraud another, or menace the general well-being.
+
+Not only in social life, but in business, politics, and international
+relations, this principle of the common good as the ultimate goal, the
+supreme authority for conduct, holds good. To it society approaches,
+now by direct progress and now by seeming reaction, but ever with a
+higher evaluation of justice. This is shown in the fulfillment of both
+small and large obligations.
+
+Following the rules of courtesy, men give to each other that deference
+which each believes is his own due, and each receives in return
+twofold the deference that he sincerely gives. Men show, at home and
+abroad, the courtesy to women in general that they would wish shown to
+those of their family, and thereby the standard of respect for woman
+is so lifted that even the city street at night is a safe place for a
+woman to pass unaccosted, if it is necessary for her to go unattended.
+
+Rigidly do we hold ourselves to the established rules of good
+breeding, endeavoring to make of ourselves all that Nature will
+permit; and we are surprised to find that Nature's own gentlemen and
+gentlewomen gather about us, and rare souls look to us for
+companionship, as finding in us kindred spirits.
+
+No field so surely bears a like harvest as the one sown with the seeds
+of good-will and consideration for others.
+
+Etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we desire,--to make clear
+the path to the goal of high companionship with many worthy
+minds,--and enables us to get out of social intercourse the honey that
+is hidden there. Without it, as social beings, we should be as
+workmen without tools, architects without material, musicians without
+instruments.
+
+After all, however, etiquette is only a tool, and should never be
+mistaken for the finished work itself. How you carry yourself at a
+reception is not a matter of so great moment, as is the fact that you
+went, and there exchanged certain worth-while thoughts with certain
+people. It is the people, the thoughts they gave you and you gave
+them, and the practical influence on your life of those people and
+those thoughts, which are of moment.
+
+Just as, from a musicale, you must carry the music away in your soul,
+either in definite memories or in a refreshed and more joyous frame of
+mind, or it is of no avail that you attended, so from social
+intercourse it is absolutely necessary that you carry away the
+inspiration of meeting others and the thoughts that they have given
+you, and garner from those help and guidance in your life, or the most
+elaborate of toilets, the most perfect of manners, and the most
+ceremonious of customs are of little worth.
+
+The tool, however, becomes invaluable when the master desires to
+create. Therefore, if we wish to gain from social life the enjoyment
+and happiness and help which it should yield, we should become
+familiar with the practice of the best forms of etiquette, so that we
+shall have skill and aptitude in their application.
+
+The rewards of etiquette are, therefore, both spiritual and material.
+That fine poise of soul which restrains all selfish and unlovely
+tendencies, that clear insight which sees the individual as but a
+single unit in the composite of the human race, that high aspiration
+which culls only the best from the mingled elements of life,--all
+these come from a true and sincere adherence to the spirit of
+courteous observances, and each of these is its own reward.
+
+On the other hand, human hearts open only to gentle influences, and
+all that it is in the power of human beings to bestow upon one another
+comes most readily and most lavishly to those who outrage no social
+instinct. To be highly and sincerely honored socially means to be well
+loved, and that must mean to be lovable. Wealth and family position
+are matters of chance as far as the individual is concerned, but good
+breeding is a matter of personal desire and effort. It makes for power
+and influence, and often literally commands the wealth and position
+which the accident of birth has refused. It is the necessary colleague
+of intellectual ability in winning the farthest heights of success,
+and makes the plains of mediocre attainment habitable and pleasant.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+PERSONALITY
+
+
+THE social world is a world of personalities. Each individual has a
+value and importance according to the sum total of his
+characteristics, physical, mental, and moral. Other and more external
+facts enter into his social position, but in the circle of his friends
+and acquaintances, in whatever grade of society he may move, his place
+is determined by his personality. Personality alone is the final test
+of a man's worth to society.
+
+A man's worth to the business world as a doer, maker, or as any other
+executive, his worth to the state as an incorruptible official, his
+worth to his family as a devoted husband and father, his worth to
+literature or art as a thinker or maker,--these values are imprinted
+upon his personality, howbeit with almost imperceptible lines.
+
+If a man would present a pleasing personality as his claim for
+recognition in society, he must not neglect his mental attitude, his
+appearance, his manners, or his speech. They are all true expressions
+of his real self, and they, together with his deeds, are all that his
+fellow men have by which to appraise his real worth.
+
+Character is the foundation of all true courtesy, for manners are but
+minor morals, as many a writer has shown. It is not the part of a book
+on etiquette to tell how to keep out of prison, or to explain that one
+should be honorable and should do no murder. No book or person,
+however, can inculcate etiquette without showing that the roots of all
+true courtesy lie deep in the spirit of unselfish consideration for
+others. To master this spirit until it becomes one's own is the best
+fitting one can have for social achievement. Such consideration is the
+touchstone by which all social customs are tried, to see whether they
+be worthy of perpetuation or not. It is the sure test of correct
+conduct under all circumstances, and can be so utilized in case of
+doubt.
+
+A veneer of virtue long passes as currency in no society. It is
+necessary to have character in order to be respected. As etiquette is
+founded upon certain simple virtues, it is necessary, at least, to
+affect the semblance of them. To be long effective they must be
+sincere, as a little experience shows.
+
+Among the minor moral virtues which in social life are of major
+importance are those of self-control, sincerity, and unselfishness.
+
+There is no place for anger in social life. To give expression among a
+group of people to any strong feeling, no matter how justified it may
+be, is not courteous, because you may be inadvertently treading upon
+the beliefs or prejudices of some of your hearers. There are times
+when debate and the taking of sides on questions of common interest
+are in order, but that is not usually in the mixed society of men and
+women, who are supposedly dropping, for a time, the burdens of life
+for the sake of enjoyment and recreation.
+
+Self-control is necessary not only in the constant curbing of anger
+and the more violent emotions, but in pushing into the background
+one's personal desires in order that one may do one's social duty. A
+bridesmaid may have assumed the obligations of that honor, and then
+found that, for personal reasons, they were distasteful to her. She
+should not, however, permit herself to fail in one iota of her duty.
+The always-remembered disappointment of the bride, or bridegroom, if
+either bridesmaid or best man should fail, at a time when life should
+be as full of happiness as it possibly could, should more than offset
+the pain of even difficult control on the part of the chosen friend,
+in order to carry out his or her obligations satisfactorily.
+
+In thousands of minor circumstances the need of absolute self-command
+for the sake of social virtues is evident. The man and woman who can
+so control themselves, and think only of others, win warm places in
+the hearts of their friends.
+
+It is a dreary thing to be always sustaining a sham of any sort.
+Sincerity has its pleasure as well as its virtue. One should seek to
+be sincere, as perhaps no social virtue is of greater importance than
+this. The possibilities of development of character and of the
+betterment of social customs depend upon the exercise of this virtue.
+For that reason it is well to follow carefully the acknowledged rules
+of etiquette, in the hope and expectation of growing into the attitude
+of mind which will make them a natural expression of one's self.
+
+"The little observances of social life," says Dr. T. L. Nichols in his
+book on "Social Life," "are more important than many people think
+them. The outward signs or expressions of any sentiment not only
+manifest it to others, but help to keep it active in ourselves. This
+is the use of all ceremony and ritualism in religion . . . and the same
+principle governs all social ceremonies and observances."
+
+Without unselfishness and a fine consideration for others, the art of
+etiquette would be impossible. True etiquette learns no maxims to
+practise mechanically. Rather, it learns all the maxims upon which it
+may have to draw, and practises them only as the considerate heart
+sees an opportunity and desires to embrace it.
+
+Personal appearance is next to character in importance. The most
+important factors in this, with the average person, are not those that
+Nature alone is responsible for, but those that the individual himself
+is alone responsible for. Beauty is a pleasant thing, and not to be
+despised, although beauty alone is of little worth. The social
+conquests of history have not been confined to the possessors of
+beauty, and there have been many notable cases where decided plainness
+and even ugliness was the lot of one who nevertheless was a person of
+great charm.
+
+One's figure and bearing count perhaps for most, as they give the
+first and distant impression, and are, as it were, the outlines of the
+picture.
+
+Self-consciousness, for any reason and to even the slightest degree,
+is a great barrier to social intercourse and to mental freedom. It
+shows as often in a person's carriage as in his words or features. It
+should be broken down at all costs, and this can be done only by the
+person himself. It may be done, usually with comparative ease, by
+becoming and staying interested in something. Then awkwardness, and a
+defiant attitude of spirit and body, will vanish. Haughtiness is
+usually the outward sign of a great inner self-consciousness. All of
+these traits, as well as their opposites, stamp themselves upon the
+bearing of the body, and reveal there the clearest manifestations of
+character.
+
+Dress is almost as essential. By this is not meant a rigid adherence
+to fashion,--the stamp of a weak mind,--or even good taste, but an eye
+to the appropriate and fitting. First of all, dress should be
+subordinated to character, that is, it should be no more costly than
+the wearer can afford, and no more striking than modesty and good
+taste allow.
+
+Good taste in dress means plain and simple styles, but material as
+elegant, serviceable, and pleasing as one's purse permits. It means
+also a few things well chosen and kept in good order, rather than many
+things more or less untidy; that one's wardrobe will be
+harmonious,--not a cheap, shabby garment to-day, and an expensive,
+showy one to-morrow. It means also that the wardrobe throughout, not
+only the external garments, is equally well chosen and well cared for.
+
+One should not mix one's wardrobe. A coat of one suit and the skirt of
+another should not be worn together. A carriage parasol should not be
+used on a sunny promenade, nor an umbrella in a carriage, or open
+automobile.
+
+It is necessary to wear a dress appropriate to the occasion in order
+to be well dressed. No matter how excellent one's costume may be, if
+it does not suit the time and place it is absurd and incongruous. Some
+of the major rules for appropriate dress are as follows:
+
+Full evening dress demands one's most elaborate gown, made of silk,
+satin, velvet, lace, or crepe-de-chine, as costly as one's purse
+permits, with decollete effects, gained by either actual cut or the
+use of lace and chiffon. One should wear delicate shoes, white or
+light-colored gloves, and appropriate jewels, of which it is not good
+taste to have too lavish a display.
+
+As hostess at an afternoon reception or luncheon one may wear an
+elaborate gown of the richest materials, with either long sleeves and
+high neck, or elbow sleeves and slightly low neck. As guest one may
+wear a walking suit, with pretty blouse, white gloves, and decorative
+hat.
+
+The usual dress for a formal breakfast is much the same as for a
+luncheon,--a pretty afternoon street costume, with a dainty blouse,
+gloves, and "picture" hat, which is not removed. In summer, a gown of
+light material, such as organdie, muslin, or other soft goods, dainty
+and somewhat elaborate, is in good taste. Hat and gloves are
+invariably worn with this gown if the affair is ceremonious.
+
+For church wear, a quiet, rather simple street dress, which does not
+proclaim that either money or time has been spent upon it to any
+notable extent, is by far the most appropriate. The suit should be
+becoming but inconspicuous.
+
+Ball costume is conventionally gay and elaborate, the lightest of
+materials being used, especially by those who intend to take part in
+the dancing, and a dainty effect being sought. Any costly,
+rich-looking materials are used, and a wide range of fashion is
+permitted. The gown is cut short-sleeved and decollete, and the
+dancing shoes are of satin or very fine kid. Jewels are worn but
+sparingly by young women in their first season in society. The costume
+of a debutante at her first ball is usually white.
+
+At an informal dinner, any pretty gown may be worn, with special
+attention to the coiffure.
+
+Black should never be worn at a wedding. If one does not care to lay
+it aside for the time being, one should not attend.
+
+For men, the proper costume for an early morning breakfast is the
+black cutaway coat with gray trousers, and other details as for a
+formal breakfast. In summer a gray morning suit with fancy waistcoat,
+or white flannels or linen, with appropriate hat, shoes, and tie, is
+permissible.
+
+At a formal breakfast men wear frock coats, fancy waistcoats, gray
+trousers, patent-leather shoes, large ties, high hats, and gray
+gloves.
+
+Afternoon dress for formal functions between noon and evening
+consists of a double-breasted black frock coat, or a black cutaway
+coat, with either light or dark waistcoat, gray trousers,
+patent-leather shoes, light four-in-hand tie, and light gloves.
+
+Evening dress is the correct attire for all occasions after six
+o'clock. It consists of a black suit,--coat cut "swallow-tail," and
+waistcoat cut low and in the shape of a "U,"--with white lawn tie,
+patent-leather pumps, black silk stockings, white gloves, and no
+jewelry but shirt studs, cuff links, and an inconspicuous watch fob. A
+black overcoat of some stylish cut and a silk hat or crush or opera
+hat is also worn.
+
+Full evening dress is a man's costume for a formal dinner. The Tuxedo
+or short dinner coat with a black tie is intended only for dinners
+where women are not present. Although its use on other occasions is
+common, it is not correct, and ill accords with the elaborate gown
+which is usually worn at the formal dinner.
+
+One should always have the appearance of being "well-groomed." It is a
+minor matter to add to habits of personal cleanliness, which every man
+and woman of refinement adheres to with scrupulous conscientiousness,
+that attention to the little details and finishing touches of
+dressing, which give the impression conveyed in that graphic
+expression "well-groomed." The niceties of life are always matters of
+small care but great moment.
+
+The aim to be beautiful is a legitimate one, and worthy of the
+attention of every lover of beauty. To make the most of one's self,
+both for one's own sake and that of those about one, is a duty. Much
+can be done if good taste is consulted, and one's salient good points
+studied and emphasized. One can at least dress characteristically, and
+so bring out the ideals to which one gives adherence.
+
+For instance, the business woman, in business hours, dresses with that
+same effort after efficiency and economy of time and strength that she
+has to put into her business to make it successful. She is, therefore,
+besides being scrupulously neat, perfectly plainly and yet durably and
+comfortably dressed. The sudden storm does not catch her unprepared,
+for she cannot afford to lose even an hour's work next day because she
+"caught cold." She permits no fussing with her garments, therefore
+they have to be in perfect working order, as fussing takes time, and
+time is money. Her hair is done neatly, and as becomingly as possible,
+but securely for the day.
+
+If, on the other hand, the business woman be a milliner, whose own
+artistic personality must be her best advertisement, she takes pains
+to dress artistically even though she wear less serviceable and more
+elaborate costumes. She should, however, give the same impression of
+neatness and businesslike serviceableness, with the additional
+artistic impression which is going to show her customer that she knows
+how to bring out the telling points in her own personality, and create
+a charming effect.
+
+The housewife needs, in her choice of morning garments, the same
+effectiveness as the business woman, for she must also work with real
+efficiency; but, in addition, she needs to give the impression of
+homelike abandon, as well as beauty and grace, which shall appear
+restful.
+
+The art of correct speech and intelligent conversation is one which
+every one who wishes to hold an envied place in society should
+possess. There is no more attractive accomplishment. Others have only
+a limited use and give only an occasional pleasure, while good
+conversation is appropriate to almost any occasion, and amuses and
+entertains when all other interests have palled.
+
+If one does not undertake to cultivate the art of conversation, one
+should at least be correct in speech. One should not permit slovenly
+expressions, or slang, or the thousand and one faults of
+mispronunciation and ungrammatical construction into which people
+fall, to be characteristic of one's speaking. For if one has time to
+go into society, one should have time and money enough to make one's
+self presentable mentally as well as physically, and nothing so
+clearly shows lack of intelligence and appreciation of the matters of
+the intellect, as carelessness and neglect of the words one uses and
+the thoughts one utters. No physical defect is more glaring than the
+mental defect revealed in every sentence of such a person.
+
+Mannerisms of speech or act are glaring flaws in the personality which
+would delight to charm, and successfully preclude the possibility of
+popularity among refined people. Many a man and woman of character
+have been barred from the pleasurable enjoyment of society, even by
+people of less character though of more surface refinement than
+themselves, because they lacked the intelligence and the good sense to
+abolish certain mannerisms of act or expression, which, though they
+may have had normal and logical causes, were not such as society could
+enjoy or approve, and would not tend to anything but harm if
+characteristic of many people.
+
+Certain rather glaring faults are quite conspicuous among all classes
+of women, for reasons which are hard to determine, but which must be
+general as the faults are so prevalent. Women, as a rule, do not
+respect an appointment and keep it punctually, interrupt conversation
+repeatedly and ruthlessly, keep visitors waiting by needless delays,
+and do not seem to notice or regret the sacrifice that some courtesy
+to them may have caused another.
+
+The arraignment of women for these faults is indeed serious, for
+social misdemeanors could not easily be much worse. It means that the
+deep heart-feeling of courtesy is quite lacking from certain classes
+of women,--classes not to be marked off distinctly from any grade of
+wealth or learning. If the ladies of a fashionable and progressive
+intellectual club will not, after two or three years of repeated
+requests, make it a habit, one and all, to remove their hats during a
+dinner and the subsequent speeches in a crowded and level-floored club
+dining-room, it is useless to look for any finer courtesy among the
+"cultured" than among the work-worn "laboring" classes.
+
+As a rule the women least at fault in these matters are the business
+women, a fact which would seem to prove that lack of business and
+professional training was in part responsible for the general apathy
+and indifference toward these matters of ordinary courtesy.
+
+Courtesy, like honesty, is the best policy in all our dealings with
+our fellow men. Therefore, we cannot afford to neglect to exercise it.
+
+Politeness and interest in others alike lead one to make those
+inquiries concerning friends and their families which show real
+concern in their welfare, and which are exceedingly gratifying to
+all. Often this kindly trait alone gives one a reputation for charm,
+although it has its disadvantages, to be sure, in its demands upon
+one's sympathy and patience.
+
+We each know that we are worth while. We should, therefore, treat
+others on that assumption, and thereby make them rise to their
+potential worth. The good that a person, who thus calls out the good
+within people, may do is limited only by his acquaintance.
+
+Personality is, after all, one's greatest asset in life. No thought or
+effort should be spared in making it pleasing and inspiring,--a fit
+expression of one's character and ideals, and a worthy gift to the
+world.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+FAMILY ETIQUETTE
+
+
+THE permanence of a courteous manner is the test of its sincerity. If
+one is polite invariably everywhere but at home, one's politeness is
+as superficial as a disguise, and as easily penetrated by the
+discerning.
+
+Unselfish consideration for others meets its sternest discipline in
+the home and in family relations, and becomes, under that discipline,
+a reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every emergency.
+
+Without manners at home, it is impossible to preserve the real
+nobility and unselfishness of character which make a man or a woman
+socially desirable.
+
+
+_Obligations of the Married_
+
+The marriage relation, while based upon certain fundamental
+principles, and not to be preserved without adherence to them, has
+some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness.
+
+The solemnization of marriage is a sacred ceremony and should be
+observed in a reverent spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for
+the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetuate that same spirit
+on the anniversaries of the day, will do much toward making it a holy
+and a happy union.
+
+Every marriage should be at least a perfect friendship; so a married
+couple should observe with each other the same little courtesies that
+they would observe if still only friends, being as deferential in
+greeting one another in public, as careful of each other's feelings,
+and as observant of each other's preferences.
+
+A woman should remember to accept from her husband, as her due and
+without surprise or awkwardness, the little attentions which she
+expects and receives in society. A man, also, should expect, and not
+be disappointed in receiving, the graceful little appreciations and
+courtesies which the woman of charm extends to the man of achievement
+in her social circle. The difference between the appreciations of
+society and those of the family is mainly that, in society, only the
+men of mark receive them, while, in the home, every man should receive
+his due; for there his efforts are known, even though they are not
+signal enough for society to recognize.
+
+As equality is the only basis upon which the authority of the home
+can happily rest, so a complete union of interests is the only basis
+for the successful financing of a home.
+
+While all the virtues of good management of her household, economy in
+the expenditure of money, taste in dressing herself and her children,
+and promptness and charm in fulfilling her social duties are expected
+of a wife, and should be fulfilled to the best of her ability, there
+are some minor things which make for happiness which should not be
+neglected.
+
+The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the
+charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily
+household quality rather than for use only on state occasions.
+
+The wife should confide in her husband on every matter of importance.
+She should not trouble him with trivial things, but, if a matter is of
+concern to her, she should not fail to let him know about it, and get
+his advice upon it. The cement of love is mutual confidence.
+
+If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, to be his companion,
+and to do her full duty by him, by her children, and by her home, she
+cannot fail, under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of
+winning happiness and making her husband happy. It is in the lack of
+desire to understand and love that the real menace to the happiness of
+the home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful people approach
+nearest the ideal of love.
+
+It is taken for granted that the husband will perform the major duties
+of his relation, such as being a good citizen, a good business man,
+and hence a good provider for his family, and that he will in all
+things seek the mutual happiness of his family and himself.
+
+He must be considerate to his wife if he would keep her love and
+respect. He should confide his business to her as far as she, in her
+inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should teach her the things
+about it which it is important for her to know. Through his
+conversation alone she can get the rudiments of a good business
+training, and she will at least be able to comprehend the changes he
+may make or the difficulties in which he may find himself, and, seeing
+their cause, thus be able to sympathize, and not to blame, if reverses
+come. He should so train her in business ways and methods that, in
+case of his death or disability, she could attend to the business of
+his estate, even though she could not, or need not, earn money for the
+family.
+
+The work of adjusting the labors of each to those of the other, so
+that there shall be time for recreation and social life together,
+should be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be dropped until
+solved to mutual satisfaction. If the members of the family cannot
+move in the same social circle, and together, a serious breach of
+family happiness is threatened.
+
+There is no marriage license which gives the right to constant harping
+upon one another's faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule
+of friendship should prevail.
+
+A husband should not open his wife's letters, nor should a wife her
+husband's.
+
+All invitations are sent to a husband and wife jointly, except those
+for such occasions as a stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to
+which ladies only are invited. If for any reason either the husband or
+the wife cannot attend a function, the other also must decline. The
+exceptions to this rule are those cases where a man or a woman of
+particular talent moves in a circle the interests of which are not
+especially enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or where the
+health of the one precludes the possibility of attendance upon affairs
+of which the other should not be deprived. Too long or too frequent
+use of the excuses which cover these exceptions, reflects seriously
+upon the marital happiness of the pair.
+
+Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not
+paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman
+out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man. Even at dances
+and balls it is not good form for them to dance together too
+frequently, except at public dances where they are two of a private
+party of four or six, in which case rotation of partners would bring
+them together more frequently than if a larger number of their
+personal friends were present.
+
+In America a wife never shares her husband's titles.
+
+Consultation and advice together on everything which concerns either
+is one of the privileges as well as the duties of marriage.
+
+To reproach for errors which were made with good motives and the best
+of judgment available at the time is always unjust.
+
+Always to greet and to part from each other with affection is the
+source of much happiness.
+
+Neither parent should be overambitious. Their personalities make the
+home, and if they are overworked and crowded with care, the home is
+not happy.
+
+The mother should always remember that home comes first, and should
+not absent herself from it save at those times and for that length of
+time when she is really not needed there.
+
+Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but
+each other, nor discuss each other with any other person.
+
+Companionship means the willingness to let one's own mood be dominated
+by another. Therefore, if they would be companionable, a husband and
+wife should meet each other's moods halfway. For what is lost
+personally now and then, far more of greater mutual value is obtained;
+and it is largely by a habit of companionableness that the happiness
+of the home can be made so satisfying that there can arise no question
+of its permanence.
+
+To keep one's self up to one's best standard of speech and conduct is
+necessary, for only thus can the family standard be kept high.
+
+An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins the comfort of all.
+Companionship and mutual authority and helpfulness are the only
+foundations for a happy home.
+
+
+_General Rules of Conduct_
+
+Seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you
+would be the same. Move in that society in whose ways you are versed
+and whose rules you practice, if you would be appreciated or met with
+like courtesy.
+
+Never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet. The
+kindness, however, must be genuine, and come from the heart, never in
+stereotyped and hollow phrases.
+
+The courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness
+in receiving them. Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower
+than did the person who showed the courtesy. Attentions should be
+warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort
+which does not forget.
+
+A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect
+that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them
+first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. She should not,
+however, let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an
+elderly relative.
+
+Enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a
+slight bow to the general company. "We all do stamp our value on
+ourselves" is true enough, and our private stamp is never more
+conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people. If we show
+modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is no one who
+will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was.
+
+The head should be well up, the body squarely erect, the chest out.
+Self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows
+the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to
+conceal. One should train one's self until the meeting of people, no
+matter who they may be, whether singly or in large numbers, is a
+matter of no particular concern as to deportment.
+
+Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close a door after you,
+without slamming.
+
+Never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return.
+
+Dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the
+company you are with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, nor
+with legs spread out, nor a lady with her legs crossed. Never put out
+your foot, in the street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may
+trouble others in passing by.
+
+When several people enter a room in a private house where you are
+sitting, always rise, especially if they are older than you. When an
+elderly person enters the room alone, it is always a graceful show of
+deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he
+is seated.
+
+The greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's
+household, and should not be omitted. The one who enters a room where
+others are assembled gives the salutation first.
+
+"Good morning" is the appropriate greeting till noon. "Good afternoon"
+and "Good evening" are the greetings for the later hours of the day.
+"Good-by" is, however, the common and most acceptable form of
+farewell. After an evening's entertainment, it is permissible also to
+say "Good night" instead. "Good day," "Good afternoon," and "Good
+evening," used in farewell, are provincial.
+
+"I beg pardon," spoken with an inquiring inflection, is much better
+than simply "What?" when you do not hear what is said. The abruptness
+of the latter savors of rudeness.
+
+Whispering is not permissible in company, and it is not necessary in
+private. Therefore, whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room
+or in church, where the whisper is far more penetrating than a low,
+distinct tone.
+
+The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate, for you attract the
+attention of two floors of people, as well as publish your message. To
+carry on a conversation over the banisters is also equally bad. Even a
+word of inquiry should usually be spoken at short distance in a hall
+which leads to several rooms, and where many people may hear or be
+disturbed by the noise. Such calling should never be permitted to
+servants or children, for once begun its convenience will demand its
+continuance.
+
+Interrupting another's conversation is a serious breach of courtesy.
+
+Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of home life, no matter how
+glaring the faults which may be criticised. Faults have to be
+remedied, but every effort should be made to do it skillfully, and
+not make the remedy worse than the disease.
+
+Do not open your letters in company, except in case of emergency, and
+in the latter, ask the permission of the company to do so. Never,
+under any circumstances, open a private letter addressed to another.
+If the one to whom it is addressed is near enough to give you
+permission to open it, he can usually open it himself; if he is not by
+to give permission, the letter should go to his legal representative,
+who then acts according to the law.
+
+Politeness as well as pity impel one to be especially polite to the
+caller or visitor who is uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By
+even an excess of hospitality one should try to make up for the
+inevitable slight which society always puts upon such a one.
+
+Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests. The close friend and
+the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal
+courtesy.
+
+The holding of a grudge, and the failing to forgive a slight for which
+apology has been made, are the height of discourtesy. It is invariably
+true that the same spirit with which you mete out social slights will
+be shown you in return. Resent each one, whether intentional or a mere
+oversight, and you will surely crush the spontaneity out of all
+attentions shown you, and be met only with distrust.
+
+When applied to for a favor, if you intend to grant it, grant it
+graciously and readily; if you intend to refuse, refuse with equal
+civility even though firmly. None but the unmannerly will urge a
+request when the slightest token of refusal has been given.
+
+A gentleman may offer personal service to a lady, if there is need,
+tying her shoe, or hooking or buttoning her dress, or doing any other
+little act which she cannot herself do.
+
+In a company of people, it is the height of rudeness to call attention
+to the form or features or dress of any one present.
+
+In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively. At the dining
+table it should be used very sparingly. Better retire than be
+obnoxious to even the most fastidious.
+
+Never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing,
+whether in the home, of in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else.
+
+Do not touch any one in order to arrest his attention, but address
+him.
+
+To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to
+stealing, unless one has permission of the owner to do so.
+
+Self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait. It
+always makes for comfort of one's self and of others, and often for
+safety.
+
+Do not pass between two persons who are talking together, if
+avoidable. If it is not, then apologize.
+
+Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy requires, no matter how
+unforgivable the offense, that an apology should be accepted.
+Friendship may not be restored, but friendly courtesy should always
+thereafter be maintained.
+
+Never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you.
+Forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend.
+
+Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every
+engagement.
+
+To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your
+own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very
+distasteful to others, who also have achieved.
+
+One's social obligations should never be neglected unless one is
+determined to drop out from one's place entirely. To acknowledge one
+invitation and not another is surely to be discredited with all.
+
+Never question a child or a servant upon family matters.
+
+Fulfill your promises,--or do not promise.
+
+Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as
+though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the
+burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous
+in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well
+to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but
+always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at
+them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This
+latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in
+case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within
+the range of their vision before speaking to them.
+
+
+_Table Etiquette_
+
+A man should not seat himself at the dinner table until his wife or
+his hostess is seated. This rule holds good in the home, for if it is
+not practised there, it will not be observed gracefully in society.
+
+Seat yourself not too close to nor too far from the table.
+
+Erect position at table is the first requisite. One should so place
+one's seat that correct position is possible, and then should keep it.
+
+Elbows should never be placed upon the table.
+
+The hands should be kept quietly in the lap while not busy with the
+food. One should sit quietly at the table, without handling the
+cutlery or making useless motions, while waiting to be served. If
+there is some form of grace said, or some simple ceremony preliminary
+to the meal, one should pay respectful attention silently.
+
+Do not seem impatient to be served. The meal is a social occasion and
+the food is an adjunct to friendly intercourse. The success of the
+meal depends equally perhaps upon the food and the conversation.
+Because of the interruptions of service, conversation cannot be long
+continued, or deeply thoughtful. It must be on subjects of no great
+moment nor grave interest, or on such subjects lightly touched; but it
+should be on bright, cheerful topics, and as witty as the talent of
+the company affords.
+
+Eating should be slow, and mastication of the food thorough, for
+reasons of health as well as for the sake of appearance. No meal can
+be eaten properly and adequately in less than thirty minutes, but more
+than an hour for a meal is sheer waste of both time and food, unless
+the company is large, the times of waiting between courses long, and
+the portions served very small.
+
+Eat silently. The noise of food being masticated is very distressing,
+and except in cases of crusts and crisp vegetables, perfectly
+unnecessary.
+
+The napkin is unfolded and spread over the lap. One is supposed to be
+skillful enough in raising food to the lips not to need the napkin in
+front of the dress or coat to prevent injury.
+
+In case you do not care for a course, you should not refuse it.
+Receive it, and take what part of it you desire, trying to take some;
+or, if you wish, leave it untouched, but do not have the appearance of
+being neglected or ill-provided for, even if you do not eat of it. A
+little more attention to conversation on your part may make
+unnoticeable to those about you the fact that you do not eat of a
+certain course.
+
+If your preference is consulted as to food, whether the matter be
+trivial to you or not, express some preference so that the one who is
+serving, and who has asked to be guided, may be so far assisted.
+
+Never place food or waste matter upon the tablecloth. An exception to
+this may be made in regard to hard breads and celery, when individual
+dishes for these are not furnished. Always use the side of some one of
+the dishes about you for chips and scraps.
+
+The fork is used in general except with semi-liquid sauces, where a
+spoon is of necessity used. It is not permissible to eat peas with a
+spoon.
+
+The mouth should be closed while it contains food. It should not be
+too full, as it is often necessary to reply to some question when
+there is food in the mouth.
+
+Do not leave the table until you have quite ceased chewing.
+
+Be dainty and skillful in using your napkin and cutlery, avoiding
+soiling the tablecloth.
+
+Discussions and unpleasant topics of conversation should never be
+introduced. One should regard not only one's own aversions but those
+of the others present.
+
+Never put your finger in your mouth at table, nor pick your teeth.
+
+Tidiness of personal appearance is never at a higher premium than at
+the dining table. Soiled hands, negligee dress, shirt sleeves, and
+disheveled hair are disgusting there.
+
+It is quite proper to take the last helping of any dish which may be
+passed you. To refrain looks as if you doubted the supply.
+
+Bread is not cut, but broken into fairly small pieces. One should
+never nibble from a large piece.
+
+It is permissible to eat crackers, olives, celery, radishes, salted
+nuts, crystallized fruits, corn on the cob, bonbons, and most raw
+fruits from the fingers. Apples, pears, and peaches are quartered,
+peeled, and then cut into small pieces. Cherries, plums, and grapes
+are eaten one by one, the stones being removed with the fingers and
+laid upon the plate.
+
+Cheese may be laid in small pieces on bread or crackers, and conveyed
+to the mouth in that way.
+
+Asparagus should be eaten with the fork, the part which is not readily
+broken off by it being left.
+
+At a formal meal a second helping of a dish is never offered, and
+should never be asked for; but at an informal dinner party it is not
+out of place to accept a second helping, if one is offered, but is
+complimentary to the hostess, who is responsible for the cook.
+
+In passing the plate for a second helping, the knife and fork should
+be laid across it full length,--not held in the hand until the plate
+returns.
+
+One may ask the waiter for a second or third glass of water, as even
+at a formal dinner that is always permissible.
+
+Lettuce, cress, and chicory are never cut with a knife, but rolled up
+on the fork and so conveyed to the mouth.
+
+Never leave the spoon in any cup while drinking from it. Liquid
+bouillon,--not jellied,--should be drunk from the bouillon cup.
+
+Spoons are used for grape fruit and oranges, when cut in halves and
+put upon a plate, for soft-boiled eggs, puddings, custards, and
+gelatins.
+
+With fruit, finger-bowls should always be passed. A bowl half-full of
+water is placed upon a plate covered with a doily. Unless the fruit is
+passed upon a second plate, the bowl and doily are removed from this
+and set at one side, the fruit being eaten from this plate. The
+fingers are then dipped, one hand at a time, into the water, and wiped
+upon the napkin.
+
+Salt should never be put upon the tablecloth, but always on the side
+of the plate, unless the individual salts are provided.
+
+Never spit out a prune, peach, or cherry stone.
+
+Never hold food on the fork while you are talking, ready as soon as
+you reach a period to be put into your mouth. Having once picked it
+up, eat it promptly.
+
+A bit of bread, but nothing else, may be used, if necessary, to help
+one put food upon the fork.
+
+If one tastes of something which one does not care to swallow, it may
+be removed from the mouth with the closed left hand and placed on the
+plate. This should be done silently and with as little attention as
+possible.
+
+Never take a chicken or chop bone in the fingers. Cut the meat from
+the bone, leaving all that does not readily separate.
+
+Bread and butter plates, with the butter spreader, are always used,
+except at formal dinners, when the dinner-roll is laid in the fold of
+the napkin.
+
+The knife is used only for cutting, and for spreading butter on bread
+in the absence of butter spreaders.
+
+Almost all foods are eaten with the fork, which should always be used
+in the right hand with the tines up. It may be held in the left hand,
+tines down, when one is cutting, the knife being in the right hand.
+
+The soup spoon is an almost circular and quite deep spoon. Therefore
+it is obvious that the soup should be noiselessly sipped from the
+side of it. When the oval dessert spoon is used for soup, it is
+especially necessary to sip the liquid from the side.
+
+Special spoon-shaped forks are provided for salads, ices, and creams,
+but for these spoons may always be substituted.
+
+No hot drink should be poured from the cup into the saucer to cool it.
+
+Toothpicks should not be passed at the table. They may be left on the
+sideboard, and if one is needed, it may be requested of the waiter or
+taken as you leave the room, but always used in private.
+
+Wherein elderly people do differently from the established ways of
+to-day, they are not to be criticised. Manners change even several
+times within a generation, and such may be simply following the
+customs they were taught. When the three-tined fork was the only one
+in common use, the blade of the knife was much more in requisition
+than now.
+
+On leaving the table the dishes of the last course should be left
+exactly as used, and the napkin left unfolded by the side of the
+plate. In case one is at home, or visiting a friend, and the napkins
+usually serve for two or three meals, then neatly fold it. Many
+families have clean napkins once a day, that is, at dinner.
+
+The chair should either be pushed quite back from the table, or close
+to it, so that others may easily pass by.
+
+If obliged to leave the table in the midst of a meal, one should
+address the hostess, saying, "Please excuse me," as he rises.
+
+
+_Anniversaries_
+
+The observance of family festivals is a great bond of union when there
+are different ages and temperaments and interests represented in the
+family circle. In the home holidays, all meet on a common ground, and
+get once more into touch with each other. Yet the observance of such
+festivals should never be more elaborate than the purse will justify,
+nor should it be allowed to become a burden upon any one, even the
+most willing. The festive spirit is lost if it becomes obligatory.
+
+The observance of wedding anniversaries is usually an honored custom
+in the case of happy marriages, where children grow up who take
+delight in making much of the days which are sacred to their parents.
+Where this observance is not a matter of form or done with any
+ulterior motive, but is spontaneous and joyous, it adds much to the
+family happiness and strengthens the bonds, not only between parents
+but between parents and children.
+
+It is customary to make gifts of the sort signified in the name of
+the anniversary, and much ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out
+the idea. The anniversaries are named as follows:
+
+At the end of the first year comes a cotton wedding; at the end of the
+second, a paper wedding; the third, a linen wedding; the fifth, a
+wooden; the tenth, a tin wedding; the fifteenth, a crystal; the
+twentieth, linen; the twenty-fifth, silver; the thirtieth, pearl;
+fortieth, ruby; fiftieth, a golden wedding; and the sixtieth, a
+diamond wedding.
+
+These anniversaries may be added to, as by celebrating a leather
+wedding the third year, instead of two of linen; a woolen one the
+seventh; and a china one the twelfth.
+
+A birthday anniversary is a momentous event in the life of a child.
+Disregard of it is a heart-breaking slight. The celebrations of these
+events, even in families where they are numerous and resources few,
+can be made joyous if there is love enough to do it, even without
+money.
+
+
+_The Giving of Presents_
+
+The members of a family who have each other's welfare at heart, often
+have the impulse to give each other something which they may know is
+needed or wanted. While this impulse should be cultivated even with
+the most limited means, and the sense of generosity preserved even
+among the poorest,--where, to be frank, it is more apt to be found
+than among the rich,--there should be no counting upon such presents,
+nor obligation to make them imposed. This destroys their value as
+expressions of affection, and makes the custom harmful. For that
+reason it is not well to adhere to times and seasons, but at any time
+when the right opportunity offers and the impulse moves, give the gift
+that one desires to give.
+
+Where such an impulse is characteristic of a family, the members will
+naturally take pride in expressing in that way their appreciation of
+individual achievement, as when a member graduates from a high school
+or college, or attains his majority, or makes some special advance in
+any way. The spirit which welcomes achievement and recognizes it,
+becomes an incentive, perhaps the strongest there is, and surely the
+most noble, that of satisfying and pleasing a loved one. Life holds
+too much of defeat for the average person, for its minor victories to
+be passed over in silence and indifference.
+
+
+_Intimate Friends_
+
+One's attitude toward intimate friends is either a pleasant memory or
+a sad revelation. If one holds them a little lower than one's family,
+and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort
+habitually given to those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes a
+privilege, no matter what the circumstances, and a lifelong
+gratification and pleasure. If, however, one considers that intimate
+friends are entitled to less courtesy than the public, and are to be
+made to serve one's purpose more effectually than mere acquaintances
+do, then the burden of friendship is great, and soon dropped.
+Affection is not mercenary.
+
+One word in regard to the single monopolizing friendship. Many a
+marriage has been wrecked, and many a mother's friendship turned away,
+because some one friend, of about one's own age and tastes, of
+pronounced influence and exorbitant demands, has usurped, at first
+perhaps unconsciously but ever surely, the place in one's life, and at
+last in one's heart, that some member of the family should have taken.
+
+Some people seem naturally predisposed to this sort of friendship, and
+as soon as the intellectual zest is gone from absorbing companionship
+with one person, they turn to another. One such instance showed
+through twenty years a series of such friendships on the part of a
+well-meaning but foolish woman, in which her husband figured briefly,
+passing on and off the stage as violently as, and even more speedily
+than, the other "friends."
+
+Too great familiarity with new acquaintances is impolite as well as
+unwise. It cannot fail of seeming forced, and even if the friendship
+is to be close and permanent, a hastily-laid foundation is never the
+most secure.
+
+One should never call a friend by his Christian name until he requests
+one to do so.
+
+
+_Illness in the Home_
+
+Illness means that the order of the home life must be seriously
+disturbed. Consideration for the one who is ill, and effort to
+alleviate the suffering, should take the place of every other thought
+and ambition. It is necessary, of course, that the routine of living
+should be sufficiently preserved for the health of the others not to
+be affected, but matters of comfort and well-being for all take
+precedence of everything else.
+
+The well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill, such
+as being quiet about the house; never complaining at late or simple
+meals; setting aside personal plans and comfort in order to assist, if
+needed, in the care of the ill; looking out for the relief and comfort
+of the nurse, upon whom the major part of the responsibility rests;
+never grudging time or money in the effort to restore health; and,
+above all, making these sacrifices in the spirit of love and not in
+that of martyrdom. Many people, who make even unreasonable sacrifices
+for others in times of emergency, do it so ungraciously, that one does
+not feel that they are entitled to the thanks which they still
+actually deserve and should receive.
+
+Courtesy demands that the claims of the nurse and doctor be settled
+promptly and generously. They were prompt in meeting the emergency.
+There should be no delay in acknowledging the obligation to them, even
+though their promptness is looked upon, by them and by society, as
+part of their professional duty.
+
+The convalescent takes such abnormally keen delight in being
+remembered, that it is obligatory upon the rest of his family and his
+friends not to forget him. Kindly messages should be frequent.
+Trifling gifts frequently are better than large gifts occasionally,
+unless the large gift is something greatly desired.
+
+One should never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room
+to an invalid, an elderly person, or a lady.
+
+
+_Courtesy to Servants_
+
+It is safe to predict that, if the acumen of the business man, and the
+courtesy of the social leader and woman of true refinement were
+brought to bear upon the servant problem, that would soon assume a
+different aspect.
+
+If the consideration that would be shown an ailing guest were shown an
+ailing servant, service would be more generously and more faithfully
+rendered.
+
+The waitress at the table is entitled to courtesy, but not to
+apologetic efforts to diminish her task. Appreciation may be shown in
+a "Thank you," or, "If you please," but such notice of her should be
+unobtrusively spoken, so as not to interfere with the general
+conversation about the table.
+
+The servant has every human right to civility, and the withholding of
+wages is no more culpable, if more illegal, than is the withholding of
+civil treatment, and the infliction of the indignity of impatience and
+harsh and unmerited reproof.
+
+All servants need careful training.
+
+Neatness is the first requisite. The lack of it most seriously
+reflects upon the management of the household.
+
+Servants should be trained to answer the door-bell promptly, reply
+civilly to questions, and in all things represent their master and
+mistress in a dignified and courteous way. They should not admit one
+person who calls socially, and deny another, unless under special and
+exceptional orders. They should not fail to deliver promptly all
+notes, messages, and cards which may be received. Verbal messages
+should be received and given with accuracy.
+
+The direct neglect of orders is unpardonable in an intelligent servant
+who has been well trained, and will not occur, even in the absence of
+the mistress, if the training has been explicit and complete and the
+servant is honorable,--as he should be in order to retain any
+position. A certain degree of initiative, too, should be cultivated in
+a servant who is given responsibility, so that he may meet an
+emergency with resourcefulness, in the absence of orders or specific
+instructions.
+
+The servant needs to respect his master and mistress. The firm,
+strong, honest, and just control is respected by servants, and is much
+preferred to the irresolute one, even when the latter overflows
+frequently in lax kindness. Each man needs to be made to do his duty,
+and the power that forces him to do it should be gracious but must be
+firm.
+
+To be familiar with servants is a fatal mistake, and eventually upsets
+and destroys all discipline.
+
+Servants should never be reproved in the presence of guests, or
+members of the family, or other servants, but should be talked with
+singly, and considerately, but plainly.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+CONVERSATION AND CORRESPONDENCE
+
+
+_The Art of Conversation_
+
+CONVERSATION is a game we all play, but most of us with ill success.
+We do not take pains to learn the rules, and we do not consider the
+honor of winning sufficiently great. It is, however, an accomplishment
+that all who will may possess, that consumes a great deal of the time
+of all of us, and that yields great pleasure and profit if skillfully
+used.
+
+The subject of conversation should be pertinent, and of interest to
+all, or at least the majority, of those in the group of talkers. The
+treasures of experience and of knowledge should be grouped about the
+topic, and every one who contributes should take care to proffer
+nothing that the conversation has not logically called forth. Then the
+pleasure and the success of the time thus spent is measured only by
+the wit and mental resources of the talkers.
+
+News which has a universal interest is always a legitimate subject of
+discussion. Personal news which has only the interest of gossip or
+scandal is never permitted among cultured people, no more than are
+physiological facts or the records of criminology. It is a safe rule
+to speak of things rather than of persons.
+
+The brilliant conversationalist never monopolizes the talk, as such a
+method would prevent his most telling points or his keenest wit from
+having dramatic expression. If he tells an anecdote which holds the
+attention of the table or of the circle of listeners, he permits his
+duller neighbor to tell the next, not only that his own wit may have a
+foil, but that his next anecdote may meet the sharp edge of whetted
+appetites.
+
+If dining out or being entertained, do not play the host or hostess by
+leading the conversation, even though your talent in that direction be
+far superior to theirs. You thereby do them an injustice which is
+exceedingly discourteous on the part of one who has accepted of
+hospitality.
+
+Never interrupt. It kills the expression of any thought to interrupt
+the speaker, and every person, no matter how badly he may express
+himself, has a right to the effort and to what he can win of the
+hearer's attention.
+
+To supply a word which seems to fail the speaker is perhaps a friendly
+service, if he be a foreigner, but should never be tendered to a
+countryman, nor often to even the most grateful wrestler with the
+English language. It confuses any one, and the only polite way is to
+wait quietly until the speaker collects himself and finds his words.
+
+Do not contend any point. Among intelligent people questions may be
+pleasantly and earnestly debated, arguments weighed and tested, and
+yet the conversation be absolutely courteous, although conviction be
+deep on both sides. The impossibility, among untrained people, of
+debate without great emotion is what retards the progress of the
+intellectual life in many circles.
+
+One should never answer questions in general company that have been
+put to another.
+
+One should not note the points of discrepancy in the remarks of
+another, or the points of divergence in opinion. In society the
+subjects of conversation are subordinated to the human interest of the
+gathering, and points of harmony and agreement should be emphasized,
+leaving all others unnoted. One does not need to conceal his opinions,
+but he should not arrogantly or dogmatically publish them. Not
+opinions but individuals are of greater interest at that time, and the
+battle of ideas should be fought in another arena.
+
+This is the only safe rule to follow in mixed companies, or with
+people imperfectly trained socially. With highly intelligent people
+of congenial tastes, people who have ideas and convictions of great
+worth, and who are controlled enough to express them without undue or
+foolish emotion, the battle of ideas is fought most effectively and
+most to the benefit of society, in the drawing-room of that host and
+hostess whose own talents make them able to draw talent about them.
+
+Here all the rules of polite society may be observed, and yet the
+inner convictions, whether political, religious, or moral, of the
+circle, may find welcome expression and fair hearing. The growth of
+ideas and the progress of ideals in such a society is rapid and along
+the right lines.
+
+Never try to have the last word, but always refrain from saying it.
+
+Do not enter into tete-a-tete conversation in the presence of others,
+or refer to any topic of conversation which is not of common interest
+and commonly known. Mysterious allusions or assumed understandings
+with one or two members of a group are insults to the others.
+
+Inquiries into private affairs should never be made, but those on the
+subjects of age and income are especially obnoxious, and merit for the
+inquirer the cool silence which they usually obtain.
+
+The loud-voiced, aggressive person, whose opinions are alone of vital
+moment in his estimation, and who will not yield a point in an
+argument, is much to be dreaded in any company, and effectually brings
+to an end any general conversation into which he intrudes.
+
+When addressing people face to face, it is necessary to give them
+their social or professional titles, if the latter be such as have
+influence on social rank, no matter if such titles are not inscribed
+on the visiting card of the person possessing them, or are purely
+honorary.
+
+It is not now customary to add "Madam," or "Sir," or the colloquial
+equivalent of the former,--"m'am" or "m'm,"--to "Yes" and "No," even
+by children.
+
+
+_Correspondence_
+
+Letter writing is a high art, and can give great pleasure to one's
+friends. It must not, however, be intemperately indulged in, either in
+frequency, length of letters, or freedom of expression. A timely note
+is a great binder of friendship, and may give comfort and satisfaction
+much greater than a longer letter at a less important moment.
+
+The danger of letter writing is that one is tempted to pour out one's
+inmost feelings with thoughtless abandon, and find later that the
+relative or friend to whom the letter was addressed was unworthy of
+the confidence, or, if not unworthy, was repelled by it, or
+indiscreet in guarding it. It is always wise for one to restrain his
+expression of himself, when writing or speaking, within the bounds of
+dignity and a self-respecting reserve.
+
+The classic letters of literature are usually those the fervor of
+expression and self-revelation of which gave them a strong human
+interest, but in the preservation and publication of which sacred
+confidence was violated. The average letter of the average man or
+woman is by no means a classic, or worthy of preservation. It should
+be destroyed when it has fulfilled the immediate purpose for which it
+was written. It may otherwise sometime be instrumental in bringing
+ridicule, if not shame, upon the unsuspecting writer.
+
+As letter writing is the most common form of composition, the general
+rules pertaining to that art should be observed in even the most
+informal of letters.
+
+All letters should be concise and definite. An involved style is a
+great waste of time and mental power, and has no advantage.
+
+A letter should be written on consecutive pages, unless it be very
+short, in which case it is preferable to use the first and third,
+rather than only the first and second, pages. It should never be
+written so that the sheet has to be turned around and the pages read
+at different angles. The turning over of the pages should be all that
+is necessary.
+
+If, however, social note paper is used for a short business letter to
+a business man, open the sheet out flat, turn it so that the left side
+becomes the top of the sheet, and use as you would a single large
+sheet of commercial paper. This enables the reader to see the whole
+matter at a glance.
+
+Do not scrawl your letter over the page; but do not, on the other
+hand, appear to economize in paper. Make the place and date lines
+clear and distinct. Set off the salutation from the body of the
+letter, and make the form of the letter upon the page artistic and
+concise. Paper is cheap, and the delight of receiving a letter well
+framed in even margins and written on regular, if invisible, lines is
+a pleasure easily afforded a friend.
+
+The letter should be begun about two inches down from the upper edge
+of the paper. The left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an
+inch, with paragraph indention an inch more. The lower margin also
+should be three-quarters of an inch, and the right margin should be
+kept even and, for best effect, almost as wide as the left margin.
+
+Do not run on the letter without paragraphing it, but place each
+subject in a paragraph by itself.
+
+A business letter should always go straight to the point.
+
+A note of apology should be direct, and say but the one thing which is
+its subject.
+
+A note asking a favor should do it simply and without unnecessary
+preamble. The sense of freedom or intimacy which permits one to ask a
+favor, should be great enough to obviate the necessity of long
+explanation, which seems like coaxing.
+
+The refusal of a request requires tact, and may necessitate less
+directness than courteous explanation: but it should not be so
+extended as to be apologetic.
+
+A letter of thanks is difficult, but too great effusiveness is as
+disgusting as too great abruptness is unsatisfactory. The elusive but
+happy medium is the work of the socially well-trained.
+
+
+_Paper_
+
+The grade of paper used is a matter of no small moment. Some people
+affect a fastidiousness in color and quality quite out of keeping with
+the purpose to which the paper is to be put. Others affect an opposite
+slovenliness, which shows equal disregard of use and effectiveness.
+
+A good quality of paper is essential to elegance. Plain white or cream
+white paper, unlined, with either rough or smooth finish, is always
+correct, and is the only kind for formal social correspondence. For
+more intimate letters ladies sometimes use a pale blue, delicate
+pearl-gray, light lavender or heliotrope, or a Colonial buff. There
+has lately been imported the style of an envelope with lining of
+another color and paper to match, in a variety of bright tints and
+striking designs. These styles, even in the daintier variations of
+them, appeal only to the younger members of the "smart set." Gentlemen
+never use any but white stationery.
+
+Correspondence cards are a great convenience for the very shortest of
+messages, where even the small note paper is too large. They are to
+social letter writing what the postal is in business. They, like the
+postal, should be used only for brief messages of no special
+importance, or for notifications.
+
+It is a matter of taste and of expense to have one's monogram or home
+address engraved at the top of choice note paper or letter paper. This
+may be in gilt, silver, or colors.
+
+The more common forms of heading are centered an inch below the top of
+the paper, but may be placed somewhat lower down, and to the right,
+leaving about three-quarters of an inch margin. In this case the date
+line follows. Engraved and embossed headings are the most elegant, and
+printed ones should be used only for business purposes. There can,
+however, be no objection to a very neatly printed small heading for
+personal business correspondence, if it is tastefully done in a quiet
+color. While it would not be acceptable for formal social
+correspondence, it does very well on more intimate letters and saves
+the necessity of writing each time the home address. It is best to use
+printed letterheads, rather than commit the blunder now so common,
+among those who do not habitually use engraved paper, of omitting the
+address from the letter. This, in case the letter is misdirected, and
+travels to the Dead-Letter Office, prevents effectually its
+restoration to the writer.
+
+The size of note paper suited to the letter to be written should be
+used. Do not start with a small note size, and run on over several
+sheets. The letter size should have been taken in the first place, as
+the note is only for such messages as are essentially short.
+
+The forms of heading which are permissible at the top of the personal
+letter paper are the following: a crest, monogram, or the separate
+initials; the name of the home if, as an estate, it has a special
+title; the name of the city and state; or the street address, with the
+name of the city and state beneath.
+
+When in mourning, it is customary to use a note paper and envelopes
+surrounded with a narrow black border. The border should not exceed
+three-eighths of an inch in width, and three-sixteenths of an inch
+during the period of half mourning. Sometimes only a black line with
+the monogram is used.
+
+Scented note paper is not in good taste, except perhaps that which has
+a very faint odor of violets or of orris root, or, in the Southland,
+of orange blossoms.
+
+
+_Ink_
+
+Colored inks are not liked or approved of by society. A good
+blue-black ink is the best for all writing.
+
+Pale inks, too faint to be easily seen, and too lacking in stock to
+last any length of time, are useless.
+
+
+_Handwriting_
+
+Illegibility in handwriting, or a stilted and difficult hand, is a
+great waste of time and energy, mainly the would-be reader's. There is
+no excuse, in these days of the typewriter and of common knowledge of
+stenography, for an illegible letter or manuscript, and the
+carelessness which writes too hurriedly to form the letters is
+excusable only in the gravest emergency and between intimate friends,
+where the inconvenience caused by it will be, for personal reasons,
+gladly forgiven. Some handwritings which are thoroughly legible are
+extremely tiring to the reader, and the simpler, less ornate hand is
+for every purpose preferable.
+
+The affectation of a handwriting which enables you to put but few
+words on a page, is absurd and vulgar in the extreme. Yet, on the
+other hand, a too delicate or minute hand is not desirable.
+Legibility, neatness, and clearness are the salient virtues of a
+letter.
+
+The use of the typewriter is confined to business. It is still very
+bad form to use it for personal letters; but should elegant script and
+small, clear forms of type, such as are furnished by one or two of the
+machines now on the market, be in common use, there is little doubt
+but what the speed of service and the advantages of clearness would
+bring the typewriter into use in intimate, and perhaps at last into
+more formal, social correspondence. The tendency seems to lie in that
+direction.
+
+
+_Sealing, Stamping, and Directing Envelopes_
+
+Neatness is especially necessary in the folding of letters, and in
+addressing, stamping, and sealing the envelopes. Haste and
+slovenliness here take away the suggestion of compliment in the
+courtesy of the note, and are as insulting as any rudeness of manner
+can well be.
+
+The fastidious and leisurely still seal their envelopes with wax,
+imprinting thus their monogram. The well-gummed envelope now in vogue
+makes this superfluous for the ordinary informal letter. Addresses
+should be written with an eye to legibility, and the stamp should be
+affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the envelope with care and
+neatness. Social invitations, although engraved and therefore
+containing no handwriting, should always be sent with letter postage.
+
+Letters should be plainly and completely addressed to insure their
+safe and prompt delivery.
+
+Persons who have a large business correspondence should use for it
+envelopes on which their name and post office address are printed in
+the upper left-hand corner. In social correspondence these should be
+clearly written or engraved upon the back of the envelope.
+
+Sometimes where a business firm is small or little known, it
+facilitates the delivery of a business letter to place the number of
+the office room in a building upon the envelope. Where, however, the
+firm is so large that probably the entire mail is carried from the
+post office in bags, or where a post office box is doubtless made use
+of instead of the carriers' delivery, even the street number is
+superfluous. Letters for departments should be so marked.
+
+If the city is one of the largest in the country, the name of the
+state is not added; as, New York City, Boston, Chicago, and
+Philadelphia would stand alone.
+
+Only a business letter should have the word "City" in place of the
+name of the city, and it is better to write the name, omitting, if you
+choose, the state. This is permissible only when the central post
+office is used, as the postmark of any suburban station might cause
+confusion, and railway post office clerks, especially, should not be
+expected to guess accurately the intents of a writer.
+
+When street addresses like "Broadway," "Park Row," "Aborn Drive," are
+written, it is superfluous to write "St." after them.
+
+The older form of writing an address was to end each line with a
+comma. The more recent style, and one coming into quite common use, is
+to omit the comma, using only such punctuation as the sense of the
+words within the line demands. Either way is permissible.
+
+Uniformity and concise clearness are characteristics of a well-written
+address. An address should be written as follows:
+
+        Mr. Frankel Banchman,
+         15 Westland Avenue,
+           Philadelphia,
+                Pa.
+
+If the directions are to be included, then the following arrangement
+is better:
+
+                Mrs. Arthur L. Casson,
+                    North Maplewood,
+                         Chestnut County,
+        Care of Mr. Hiram Casson.    N. Y.
+
+The sign of per cent is no longer used to signify "care of."
+
+A clergyman is addressed "The Reverend John L. Wrigley, D. D.," or,
+less correctly, "Rev. John L. Wrigley, D. D.," which may be transposed
+to "Rev. Dr. John L. Wrigley." The omission of the article before the
+word "Reverend" is quite common.
+
+A physician is properly addressed, "Algernon Brigham, M. D.," and the
+salutation is "Dear Dr. Brigham," or "Dear Doctor," if he is an
+intimate friend. A man having the title of Doctor with any other
+significance than that of Doctor of Medicine, is usually addressed
+"Dr. Frederic V. Harlan." A very formal way, however, would be to
+address such a one,--supposing each of the titles to be his,--as
+"Professor Frederic V. Harlan, Ph. D." For the letter, the salutations
+"Dear Professor Harlan" and "Dear Dr. Harlan" are equally correct.
+
+A letter to the President of the United States should be addressed
+simply with that title and with no further specification of name,
+whether it be official or social: as, "To the President of the United
+States, Executive Mansion, Washington, D. C." The salutation should be
+simply "Sir." The conclusion should be, "I have the honor to remain
+Your obedient servant." If a social letter it may be addressed either
+formally or "To the President of the United States, (Christian name
+and surname), Executive Mansion," etc. The salutation would then be
+"My dear Mr. President."
+
+The Vice President should be addressed officially in the same form;
+that is, "To the Vice President, Hon. Chester A. Arthur." He should be
+saluted, officially, "Mr. Vice President, Sir;" socially, "My dear Mr.
+Arthur."
+
+In addressing the governor of a state the superscription should be,
+"To His Excellency, The Governor of Massachusetts, State House,
+Boston." The salutation should be "Sir," if official, but "Dear
+Governor Barnard," if social. The conclusion of an official letter
+should read, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Excellency's most
+obedient servant."
+
+The mayor of a city is addressed, "To His Honor, The Mayor of
+Chicago." Within, he is saluted officially as "Your Honor," socially
+as "My dear Mayor Sewall."
+
+Ambassadors of any country, whatever their personal distinction, may
+be given the title of "Honorable," and their rank placed after the
+surname. As, "Honorable Whitelaw Reid, Ambassador to the Court of St.
+James." They may always be addressed as "Your Excellency."
+
+The members of the Cabinet of the President of the United States are
+always addressed as "Honorable," and the name of their department, or
+their title added: as, "The Honorable, The Secretary of State." To
+give the name would be superfluous, as in the case of the President.
+On formal invitations, however, when the Secretary and his wife are
+entertaining, the form is, "The Secretary of State and Mrs. Hay
+request the honor," etc.
+
+Invitations which come to one because of his official position are not
+intended for personal compliments, hence are addressed to the office,
+not to the man personally.
+
+An invitation from the President of the United States is equal to a
+command, and may not be declined. Other engagements must be broken for
+it, and only grave calamity or illness should excuse one, the excuse
+being frankly stated instead of mere formal expressions of regret.
+
+In ceremonious notes abbreviations should never be used.
+
+Should one address the ruler of England, the superscription would be,
+"His Majesty, The King, London." The salutation would be, "Sir;" the
+conclusion, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient
+servant."
+
+"His Grace the Duke of Fife" is the form of address for a Duke; "My
+Lord Duke" being the salutation, and "Your Grace's most obedient
+servant" the subscription.
+
+In writing to the Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, one should
+address the letter to "His Holiness, Pope ----, Rome." The salutation
+should be "Your Holiness," but the conclusion remains the same form as
+for other dignitaries. A Cardinal of the same church is addressed "To
+His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal (surname)," and greeted as
+"Your Eminence." Formality should be strictly observed.
+
+An Archbishop of the Church of England is addressed, "The Most
+Reverend (name) His Grace the Lord Archbishop of (name of bishopric)."
+The salutation is "My Lord Archbishop;" the subscription, "I have the
+honor to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's most humble
+servant." A Bishop is addressed "The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of
+(name of diocese)." He is saluted "My Lord Bishop."
+
+In the United States the Bishops of the Protestant Episcopal Church,
+who are not here Lords, are addressed, singly, as "The Right Reverend
+(Christian name and surname). D. D.," or "The Right Reverend Bishop
+of (name of diocese)." They are saluted, singly, "Most Reverend Sir."
+
+The word "To" may precede a formal or ceremonious address, adding to
+the formality.
+
+An envelope containing a letter or card of introduction should never
+be sealed, if presented in person by the party introduced. If,
+however, he should deliver it by messenger,--an exceptional procedure,
+and one not to be followed by a man except in unusual
+circumstances,--the envelope may be sealed.
+
+No letter sent through the kindness of a friend should ever be sealed.
+The envelope should bear, in the lower left-hand corner, the
+acknowledgment of the favor in words like "Kindness of Miss
+Hallowell."
+
+
+_Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters_
+
+A stranger should be saluted as follows: "Mr. Eugene Motley, My dear
+Sir;" "Mrs. Alonzo Parmenter, Dear Madam;" or "Eugene Motley, Esq., My
+dear Sir." These are forms slightly more formal than "My dear Mr.
+Motley," or "My dear Mrs. Parmenter," which in America are strangely
+considered more formal than "Dear Mr. Motley," or "Dear Mrs.
+Parmenter," although in England the reverse is true. Therefore, a mere
+acquaintance is addressed "My dear Mrs. Judson," while a friend is
+addressed "Dear Mr. Clark."
+
+A married woman signs her name, as "Ethel Husted," and then puts her
+formal name, "Mrs. Hollis Husted," in brackets a little to the left of
+and a little below the other.
+
+Never sign a title. The name only is your signature. It may be
+necessary to write the title in brackets and at the left, as "(Miss)"
+or "(Mrs.)," but it should never be part of the signature. Such notes
+as demand the use of the title are put in the third person.
+
+The date should be at the end of a social note, in the lower left-hand
+corner, and should be written out, with the name of the year omitted
+and no figures used. The grammatical form is "The ninth of December,"
+never "December the ninth," nor "December ninth."
+
+In business letters the salutation for a firm name is "Dear Sir," or
+"Gentlemen." Where two married women go into business together, there
+seems to be in English no combined title to take the place of the
+French, so that is generally used, and that is "Mesdames," abbreviated
+"Mmes." before their names.
+
+The formal conclusions of letters are: "Respectfully yours," used to a
+superior; "Sincerely yours," or "Truly yours," used largely in
+business, or the same forms with the adverb "Very" preceding them.
+Less formal terms are: "Cordially yours," "Fraternally yours," or the
+pronoun with any appropriate adverb which the originality of the
+writer may suggest. Less abrupt, but not less formal, endings are:
+"With best regards, I am," etc.; "With kindest regards, I remain,"
+etc.; "Believe me Very sincerely yours."
+
+For intimate letters either to relatives or friends no specified
+suggestions are needed. The ordinary form, "Your affectionate
+daughter," or "niece," etc., may, however, be employed, in dearth of
+special inspiration.
+
+Distinction is sometimes made between business and social letters by
+the position of "Yours,"--it being placed before the adverb in social
+correspondence, and after in business. The tone of the letter may be
+left to guide in this matter. There is an abruptness always somewhat
+unpleasant in the use of the adverb alone.
+
+Make the beginning and ending of a letter the same in degree of
+cordiality. Do not begin formally "My dear Madam," and end "Cordially
+yours."
+
+Every letter should be signed with the full name of the writer. A
+possible exception might be made of those addressed to members of
+one's own family, where the use of the Christian name only would mean
+no ambiguity, or where the signing of the surname gives a touch of
+formality. It is well, however, to remember that letters placed in
+the post take the chances of fortune, and, with the plainest of
+addresses, may, by the absence of the person or for some other cause,
+bring up in the Dead-Letter Office. Their resurrection there will
+depend upon their containing the full name of the sender as well as
+his address. If a letter is valuable enough to send, it is valuable
+enough to sign, even if the signature be double,--first the familiar
+or given name, and then, in the lower left-hand corner, the full name.
+
+It is well to use always the name which is your legal signature. This
+will prevent confusion, and forestall the possibility of your putting,
+from force of habit, the wrong form of your name upon a legal
+document.
+
+It is well to write one's name in full. Three complete names are none
+too many for individual distinction in so crowded a world as is ours.
+If, however, the middle one is represented by an initial only, always
+write it uniformly. It is better, if the form with initial only has
+not become really established, to use the full name, although it may
+be long.
+
+The form of one's signature and the style of the handwriting soon
+become habitual. Therefore, every effort should be made to make and
+keep it legible. An illegible signature is unpardonable,--save perhaps
+on a page at the top of which a printed or engraved letterhead gives
+the name in full. There is, however, the danger that the writer of the
+illegible signature will sometime sign his name on a legal document,
+or a sheet not bearing his letterhead, and the signature stand for
+nothing.
+
+
+_Letters of Introduction_
+
+A letter of introduction should never be requested. If it is offered
+it is a sign of great regard. If it is greatly desired, it might be
+well to acquaint the person, in whose power it is to offer it, with
+the circumstances and interests which make it desirable, but never to
+do more than this.
+
+The advisability of giving letters of introduction depends upon the
+circumstances. Between business acquaintances and for business
+purposes, it is a common form of establishing connection among various
+interests, and, if done with discrimination, is to be approved. It
+should, however, even in business be done sparingly, as it is a matter
+of personal friendship, usually, and as no one has a right to make
+numerous or exacting demands upon one's friends.
+
+Socially it is a matter of great delicacy, and should have even more
+restrictions put upon it than does the introduction in company. For
+the written introduction is used because distance prevents the
+personal one, and that usually throws the recipient of such a letter
+into the position of host to the traveler or newcomer, or at least of
+benefactor to some degree. It places upon him an obligation not
+involved in the verbal introduction, and the presumption is that he is
+to do some favor, or show some special attention.
+
+Letters of introduction may be explanatory or brief. Brevity is
+preferable, but circumstances must determine.
+
+A visiting card is often used with the words "Introducing Mr. Allan
+Golding to Mr. Morris," or similar form, written across the top. The
+card should be enclosed in a small envelope and left unsealed.
+
+A brief form of letter simply says: "Permit me to introduce to your
+favorable notice Mr. Silas Emerson."
+
+A more explicit form would be a letter the body of which would
+resemble the following:
+
+"The bearer, Mr. Mark W. Allen, who is an old friend and neighbor of
+mine, represents the Altmann Irrigation Company, and is desirous of
+obtaining information in regard to the system of waterways lately put
+into your county. Knowing your influential position in regard to all
+matters of public interest, I have sent him to you in the hope that
+you may be able to put him in touch with the people who will give him
+the desired information. Any favor that you may do Mr. Allen, or any
+courtesy that you may extend to him, will be deeply appreciated by
+me."
+
+A purely social letter of introduction would say in substance: "Mrs.
+Arthur L. Westmore, who presents this letter to you, is an intimate
+and cherished friend of mine, and one whom I know you would desire to
+meet. She is to spend some little time in your city, and any courtesy
+that you may do her I shall deeply appreciate. I have told her of our
+friendship, and she knows how highly I value you, and is eager to meet
+you."
+
+When a letter of introduction is given, it is well to write the
+receiver concerning the friend who will present it, that he may not be
+taken unawares, nor continue long ignorant of the claims of that
+friend upon him.
+
+A gentleman usually presents such a letter by calling in person and
+sending in the letter, together with one of his personal cards, by the
+servant who answers the bell, or by the office boy. A lady usually
+mails the letter and one of her cards giving her address. She should
+receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer of hospitality within a
+day or two.
+
+A person who makes use of a letter of introduction should acknowledge
+to the giver the courtesy he has received, with due gratitude.
+
+
+_Letters of Recommendation_
+
+Letters of recommendation should be sparingly given. It is becoming
+less and less important, in the minds of experienced employers, to
+demand references. The personality of the applicant counts, and the
+varying traits which different positions cultivate make the
+experiences of the past of but little guidance, save in a broad and
+general way.
+
+The giving of recommendations at random, "To whom it may concern," is
+also less done than formerly, as there is such uncertainty in regard
+to their use. Instead of this, the servant is told that she may use
+the former mistress's name as reference. The new, would-be employer
+then writes a note of inquiry to the former employer.
+
+In replying to such a note great conscientiousness should be shown.
+Full justice should be done the servant. Only the truth should be
+told, and as much of it as a generous heart and wise conscience,
+coupled with a sense of responsibility toward the inquirer, permit.
+These letters should be brief and not effusive on any point, nor
+evasive of the issue at stake.
+
+Never write to another, asking for information, or a favor of any
+kind, without enclosing a stamped and addressed envelope for reply.
+
+
+_Third-person Letters_
+
+Letters are written in the third person in answer to formal
+invitations so worded, and in correspondence between people but
+slightly acquainted or known to each other only by reputation, persons
+not social equals, and by tradespeople and their patrons.
+
+Great care should be taken to preserve the impersonal diction
+throughout the letter, and to refrain from signing it. The tone should
+always be formal and very polite.
+
+An order may take the form of a request, as "Will Mr. Sutherland
+please . . . and oblige," with the signature of the writer.
+
+
+_Informal Invitations and Announcements_
+
+In inviting a friend to visit you, it is customary to mention the
+length of the visit, setting a definite date for it and limit to it.
+This makes it possible for both hostess and guest to arrange other
+engagements.
+
+A time-table of the trains, if the guest comes from the distance, with
+an account of the trolley lines, if from near at hand, should be
+enclosed.
+
+The engagement of a daughter may be announced by informal notes to
+one's whole circle of friends and acquaintances. The following form
+of note may serve as a suggestion: "I am sure that you will join our
+household in sympathy with Eleanor in her happiness when I tell you
+that she has just announced her engagement to Mr. Harold Farnham, a
+man of whom her father and I thoroughly approve. The wedding will not
+take place for some months, but felicitations are in order."
+
+
+_Letters of Condolence_
+
+A letter of condolence should be short and quite sincere, or else the
+courteous custom of sending it is more honored in the breach than in
+the observance.
+
+Such letters should be sent very promptly.
+
+To expatiate to any extent whatever upon the bereavement is heartless
+or thoughtless, and as there is no danger of ambiguity, the letter
+does not need to account for itself in any way.
+
+The following letter is as explicit as any letter of condolence need
+ever be, and the second form is preferable, unless great intimacy
+makes the less abrupt one permissible.
+
+        "DEAR MR. LEGROW:
+
+        I have read of your bereavement with the deepest
+        sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I sympathize with
+        you and your children, or how my heart aches for you
+        in your loneliness. May you have strength and grace
+        to bear up under the great loss you have sustained.
+
+                               Sincerely yours,
+                                        MARGARET EDELSTONE."
+
+
+        "DEAR MRS. HILCOX:
+              You have my deepest sympathy.
+                        Ever cordially yours,
+                                  MILDRED HASSELTINE."
+
+
+_Answering Letters_
+
+Business letters should be answered by return mail, as should also all
+invitations to dinner or luncheon.
+
+All invitations should be answered within a day if possible, because
+delay looks like a reluctance to accept. They should certainly be
+answered, either personally or by letter, within a week after the
+invitation is received.
+
+Friendly letters should have such promptness of response as
+circumstances and the intimacy of the friendship demand.
+
+Notes of congratulation and felicitation should be sent promptly after
+receiving the card or note announcement of an engagement or a birth,
+and in the latter case at least, should be followed by a call.
+
+A personal visiting card, with the words "Thank you for sympathy"
+written over the name, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of
+condolence. To very intimate friends, however, the spontaneous note of
+thanks would be more courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such a
+time, to attend to matters of social intercourse, the sending of the
+card is always permissible, and can occasion no offense, even if the
+more intimate acknowledgment was hoped for.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS
+
+_Greetings and Recognitions_
+
+
+THE bow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the
+United States to-day. The bow varies from a very slight inclination of
+the head, as one gentleman passes another, or from the quick touching
+of the hat with the hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military
+salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of
+European ceremonial courtesy.
+
+The usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders, with the eyes
+kept on those of the person greeted, the hat being removed from the
+head and held in the right hand during the bow,--which is at once
+brief, deferential, and dignified. It may be accompanied by the
+handshake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand.
+
+The degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous, determined
+by the deference felt, or the emotions which the meeting may summon.
+It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn or real disdain, for they
+are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose, or in
+the carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement of an eyelash, and
+usually nobody is deceived.
+
+The correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near
+together, the legs straight, and the entire body inclined from the
+hips. This is somewhat too extreme for common use, and should be
+modified always in public, the less elaborate bow being much
+preferable upon the street or in public places.
+
+A woman bows more erectly than a man does, and gives perhaps as
+cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting,
+which should always be characteristic, and never mechanical, or in
+imitation of others, whose natural traits may be far different,
+however admirable she may consider their style to be. It is only when
+she meets some one her senior, or in much more important social
+position, or one whom she specially delights to honor, that she
+elaborates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion
+admit of the formality.
+
+A lady should be straightforward in her greeting, never condescending
+to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow.
+She should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting
+another, and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of
+such a meeting.
+
+The handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally
+from the elbow and clasping, between the closed four fingers and thumb
+of the hand, the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand, then
+quietly shaking it. This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped
+hands,--not the elbow,--to the height of the shoulders, and there
+mildly shaking them, or clasping them with a slight pressure and
+letting them drop,--styles savoring of affectation. The impulse
+prompting the handshake,--that of getting together in intimate
+personal greeting,--is accomplished when the clasp is ended, and
+vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special pressure, or continued
+holding of the hand, are all alike unpardonable.
+
+The bow is the least sign of recognition, and may mean little or much,
+but its significance is known only to the two concerned. While it is
+permissible in public places to make its cordiality, or lack of it,
+apparent, it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private
+social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial
+courtesy.
+
+The bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance. It may mean
+only a casual knowledge of one another's existence, due to some brief
+coming together. Intentionally to neglect to bow, after a bowing
+acquaintance has once been established, is an open affront, and
+denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. The dropping of an
+acquaintance by refusal to recognize, may, in our complicated social
+system, sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified by the
+necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more
+flagrant social abuses.
+
+It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man whom she knows, to bow
+first. Indeed, the man always waits for her to do so, unless he is a
+very intimate friend. A woman should always be sure, before bowing to
+a man, that she knows him and that she has caught his eye.
+
+When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he lifts his hat when she
+bows to an acquaintance, even if the person is not known to him. So,
+also, when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows, who is in the
+company of a lady, he lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he
+meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes his hat.
+
+When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one
+only, it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she
+requests him to replace it. This is done with social superiors and
+to show great respect, being more ceremonial than finds common
+acceptance among Americans.
+
+When he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady, he also lifts his hat.
+It is proper for him to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a
+lady, even though a total stranger, and upon leaving a lady with whom
+he or a person accompanying him has been talking.
+
+It is well to return a bow which is directed to you, even if you do
+not know the one bowing. This often saves considerable embarrassment
+to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else.
+
+When passing before ladies seated in a lecture hall, or concert, a
+gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them.
+
+In passing or repassing on the street or promenade, a single bow is
+sufficient recognition, even though you may meet an acquaintance
+several times.
+
+A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes hands with the stranger with
+the same cordiality as with the friend.
+
+A gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in
+hand-shaking. If a lady offers her hand, however, it would be very
+rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy.
+
+Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, but have not
+been introduced, are under no obligation to bow when they meet
+elsewhere afterward, and usually do not.
+
+When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in the corridor of a hotel,
+in the elevator of a private apartment house, or in the public rooms
+of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger.
+
+This rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of
+office buildings, with the exception, perhaps, of banks and such
+offices as people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness of courtesy
+has made men feel that, as women are winning an equality of position
+in the business field, a delicate way of recognizing that equality is
+by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the
+social attentions. Another marked expression of this is in the fact
+that a business man, when walking on the street with a business woman,
+does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in
+order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk.
+
+An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, social and business, is
+often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife
+of one of the men present, enters an office where there are both men
+and women of equal business importance and social rank. There is an
+elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who is in private life,
+which would not be paid, and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if
+paid, to the business woman, even though she were at once the active
+vice president of the corporation and wife of the president.
+
+
+_Introductions_
+
+The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs. Allen, may I present Mr.
+Brown?" Or, "Mrs. Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs.
+Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." Where, however, the
+permission need not be suggested, and the relative standing of the
+people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs. Gleason, Mr. Ansel."
+
+When it is necessary to introduce one person to several, the form is,
+"Mrs. Gladstone, I want you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, Mr.
+Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one introduced simply repeats each
+name and smiles as she greets each in turn.
+
+Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom, I want you to know my
+friend, Mr. Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because of its
+definiteness.
+
+The response to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or, "I
+am very glad to meet you."
+
+If one does not catch the name of the person introduced, it is proper
+to ask it, saying, "Pardon me, but I did not understand the name."
+
+Introductions should always be spoken distinctly, especially the
+names. If, in introducing, one can add a sentence which will give a
+subject of conversation, the preliminaries of acquaintance may be
+speedily passed, and memorable information and real profit be gleaned
+from even a casual meeting.
+
+It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch
+and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction,
+and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his
+favor.
+
+Persons who have not been introduced are not considered acquainted.
+The exceptions to this rule are the guests under a common roof, while
+they are there.
+
+Introductions should never be indiscriminately made. There should be
+willingness, if not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A hostess
+is, however, warranted in introducing two people who she knows will be
+congenial, or if they have before expressed a desire to become
+acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the introduction will be
+received by either, they should not be introduced.
+
+One should never introduce two acquaintances who reside in the same
+town but move in different social circles, unless each had desired the
+introduction.
+
+If there is a difference of station or age, then it is necessary only
+to ask the older or more prominent person whether the introduction
+would be acceptable. This should be done quietly, and quite out of
+hearing or knowledge of the other person concerned.
+
+A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for an introduction to a lady
+whom he wishes to meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the
+mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman until he has made
+sure that the lady is willing.
+
+It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one another indiscriminately,
+nor should ladies be so introduced. One wishes to keep the boundaries
+of one's acquaintance within certain definite limits, and choice is
+easier made before acquaintance than after. So, one shows great care
+in offering introductions to others, and exercises the same care for
+one's self.
+
+If a hostess and her guest are out walking together, the hostess would
+introduce to her guest every friend who happened to stop and speak
+with her, and the guest, should she meet acquaintances of her own,
+would introduce each of them to her hostess. This is practically the
+only case where indiscriminate introducing is good form, and here the
+obligations of hospitality safeguard it.
+
+A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman who has been introduced
+to her, but a bow, a smile, and a repetition of the name are all that
+is necessary where several introductions are being made, as at a
+large reception or dancing party.
+
+A gentleman always offers his hand to another gentleman on being
+introduced.
+
+An elderly lady may offer her hand in all introductions with perfect
+propriety.
+
+If, while walking out with a friend, you meet another, do not
+introduce the two. A transient meeting is of no particular moment to
+them, and their friendship or acquaintance with you is not necessarily
+of strong enough interest to make them desire acquaintance. If,
+however, you meet at some public place, and are detained there
+together for several minutes, then the introduction should be given.
+
+When meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance, friends may
+introduce friends, but it is preferable to leave the introductions to
+the hostess.
+
+It is no longer necessary to introduce each guest to everybody else at
+a party. Introductions are made as opportunity or necessity may
+dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and wholesale introductions
+relieves two very embarrassing situations,--that of being introduced
+by announcement to a whole roomful of people, and that of being taken
+around and introduced to them singly.
+
+A mother may present her son, or a sister her brother, or a wife her
+husband, if she so desires, without any question as to the propriety
+of it. A man should not, on the other hand, introduce another man to
+his wife, or a son or brother make a presentation of a man to his
+mother or sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance could not but
+be agreeable to the lady, and unless it meets with his own approval.
+For it is a man's place always to safeguard a woman against
+undesirable acquaintances.
+
+A woman, in introducing her husband, gives him his title, if he has
+one, as "Judge Hartwell," "Doctor Foley." The wife of the President of
+the United States speaks of him only as "The President," and in
+presenting people to him, he is always addressed as "Mr. President,"
+with the invariable omission of his surname.
+
+A friend or acquaintance, no matter how distinguished, is always
+presented to one's father or mother or one's intimate relative, where
+the intimacy of the relation makes an honor more distinguishing, in
+the mind of the introducer, than any of reputation or position.
+
+A young man should be introduced to an older man, a young woman to an
+older woman.
+
+A man is always presented to a woman, never the reverse.
+
+If a lady is seated and a man is presented to her, she need not rise.
+If two ladies, both seated, are introduced to each other, they should
+rise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which case both remain
+seated. Two gentlemen, though both are seated, rise and shake hands
+when introduced.
+
+A young lady always rises when an elderly person is introduced.
+
+Introductions are not made at table. The guests at a dinner party
+should be presented to one another in the drawing-room before coming
+to the table, and if that is impossible, as many should be introduced
+as may be, especially those who are to sit beside or near or opposite
+each other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he has not met, the
+man takes the initiative in speaking a few words as soon as he takes
+his seat, to which the lady responds always cordially, keeping up more
+or less of a conversation during the dinner.
+
+At dancing parties all those who are giving the party, as well as all
+the ushers and those who receive, make introductions as general as
+possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the guests during the
+evening.
+
+An introduction at a dance carries with it the obligation on the part
+of the man to ask the woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his
+request unless her card is full.
+
+When traveling great care should be taken as to introductions.
+
+As a guest one should be ready and willing to meet any one whom his
+host or hostess may introduce, even though it be an enemy. The
+obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more heavily than in this
+matter. They demand that impartial courtesy should be shown to every
+one.
+
+
+_Calls_
+
+Calls must be made in person, rather than by card left by messenger or
+post, after an invitation to dinner, luncheon, supper, or similar
+function, and that within a week or, at farthest, two weeks of the
+date of the affair. One should also call in person within two weeks of
+any entertainment to which one has been asked, especially if one has
+attended.
+
+One need repay formal calls, where no invitation to any social
+occasion has been received, only once a year. Even in this case, cards
+may be sent by mail. In the country it is usual to go in person,
+though one does not ask if the lady of the house is at home.
+
+Calls should be made upon the "At Home" day, if one is engraved upon
+the card. If a person is ill, a near relative, or intimate friend, may
+leave a card for her at the house of the friend upon whom she wished
+to call.
+
+Society holds young people who are free to attend parties and
+entertainments under stern obligation to pay their social calls.
+Young mothers, professional women, students, invalids, and
+semi-invalids are not expected to conform rigidly to the same rules.
+If a young woman can go to a party to amuse herself, she must call
+afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the invitation.
+
+If a mother cannot call in person, her daughter or some one else may
+pay the necessary calls in her stead. Or she may invite the people
+whom she would otherwise call on, to an afternoon tea, which is more
+of a compliment than a call.
+
+In calling at a house, should the door be opened by a member of the
+family, the caller does not present her card to the lady or gentleman,
+but steps in, asking for the person whom she wants to see. She may
+leave her card unobtrusively on the table when she goes out.
+
+If a maid opens the door, the card is handed to her and received on a
+small tray. No well-trained maid ever extends her hand to receive a
+visiting card.
+
+If a caller wishes to be very formal, she leaves a card for every lady
+in the family on whom she wishes to call.
+
+In the beginning of the season a wife always leaves her husband's card
+with her own, and she usually does this also when making a call at the
+close of the season.
+
+An unmarried woman calling on a married friend leaves only one card.
+If the friend has daughters or is entertaining a guest, a card may be
+left for each.
+
+A lady always rises to receive a visitor.
+
+It takes good judgment to know when to go, but it should be cultivated
+and practised. Lingering in taking one's leave is a great weariness,
+to one's hostess if not to one's self.
+
+After a birth calls are made upon the mother after the child is a
+month old.
+
+After a death the friends of the family should call in person inside
+of a month. The members of the family do not receive them, however,
+unless they wish to do so.
+
+
+_Social Calls of Men_
+
+A man never carries or leaves the cards of other men, nor can he leave
+cards for any of the women of his family.
+
+A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon at home leaves in the card
+tray, on entering the house, a card for his hostess and one for his
+host. The card for his host must be left, even if that gentleman does
+not appear in the drawing-room, provided the caller is acquainted with
+him, and providing he is calling in acknowledgment of some hospitality
+recently received.
+
+If there is a host, hostess, and young lady daughter in the house,
+and the caller is a friend of the latter, he leaves three cards.
+
+The man who is making his first or last call for the season on the
+regular afternoon at home, leaves one card for each of the ladies, and
+each one of the men of the household whose acquaintance he can claim.
+
+When a man calls on a lady's day at home, and his call has no
+reference to any social debts, he leaves only one card in the tray. If
+he is somewhat intimate in the house where the call is paid, he leaves
+no card at all.
+
+A man does not call upon a woman unless she invites him, or some
+member of her family does, or he goes with a mutual friend who has
+made sure of his welcome. A woman may say to a man, "Mother and I are
+usually at home Fridays, and would like to have you call," or some
+other form of invitation which denotes cordiality.
+
+A man who desires to call in particular upon one lady, in a family
+where there are several, hands his card to the servant with the words,
+"Please give this to Miss Curley, and I would like to see all the
+other ladies also." The ladies appear and greet him, withdrawing that
+he may call upon the one he especially wished to see.
+
+If calling upon a guest in a home, you always ask for the hostess
+also.
+
+A man retains his hat, gloves, and walking stick in hand during a
+formal call, though he may have left his overcoat in the hall.
+
+
+_First Calls_
+
+In America it is the usual custom for residents of the city or town to
+call first upon newcomers. Washington is a well-known exception to
+this rule, as strangers there call first upon government officials and
+their families. In most European cities newcomers call first upon
+those already in residence. The residents, from the officials down,
+return their cards, and the visitor or newcomer receives invitations
+to social functions.
+
+In practice the resident does not usually know anything about the
+stranger, and may not have even heard of her arrival. Sometimes the
+newcomer sends out cards for several days in a month, to those with
+whom she would like to become acquainted. If she can enclose the card
+of a mutual friend, as a silent voucher for her social standing, her
+position is more quickly and more surely granted her.
+
+Clergymen and their families, brides, and persons of note are entitled
+to receive first calls. The older residents of the community are
+expected to lead in the list of callers who welcome the newcomers.
+
+First calls should be promptly returned, within a week at the very
+latest.
+
+A married woman making a first call upon a married friend sends one of
+her own and two of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+THE PERSONAL CARD AND THE ENGRAVED INVITATION
+
+
+_Form of Card_
+
+A MAN'S card is usually one and a half by three inches in size, and
+made of fairly stiff bristol board. A woman's card is usually about
+two and three-sixteenths by three inches, and made of dull-finish,
+fine, medium-weight bristol board.
+
+The color of cards is a fine pearl white. Cream or tinted cards are
+never in good form.
+
+The engraving varies from plain script to elaborate Old English text,
+or shaded Roman type, according to the fashion. The engraver may be
+trusted to know the style and stock most in use.
+
+The card of an unmarried lady should be somewhat smaller than that of
+the married. This distinction is made, however, only in case of the
+card of the debutante.
+
+
+_Inscription_
+
+If there is room across the card the full name should be engraved. If
+the names are too long, only the initials of given names should be
+used.
+
+All inscriptions on one card should be in the same style of type.
+
+"Mr." is prefixed, unless there is a special title, such as,
+"Reverend," "Doctor," "Colonel," etc. If a man should, in an
+emergency, write his own name on a card, he would not prefix the
+"Mr.," or any other title. The name should be written in full and
+should be an autograph.
+
+A married lady should have her husband's full name, or such form or
+parts of it as he uses, with the title "Mrs.," and not her own name.
+
+A young woman has the title "Miss" engraved before her name, even
+though she be only a schoolgirl.
+
+A young man has no title at all on his card, but simply his full name.
+
+The newly married couple use a card with the title of "Mr. and Mrs."
+for the first year after marriage, in returning their ceremonious
+calls after the wedding, and paying formal calls when the husband is
+unable to accompany the wife. These cards should have the address in
+the lower right-hand corner, and the reception day or days in the
+lower left. After the first year they are seldom used in paying calls,
+but can be used for condolence, congratulation, or farewell where both
+husband and wife desire to be formally represented.
+
+A woman who is personally distinguished, who occupies a high social
+position, or whose husband stands at the head of his family, may have
+only "Mrs. Barnaby," not "Mrs. John Barnaby," upon her cards. It is
+better, however, not to do so unless one has the indisputable right to
+be considered as _the_ Mrs. Barnaby of the locality. It is customary
+for the wife of the oldest brother of the oldest branch of the family
+alone to have the privilege of this form.
+
+The same rule of precedence applies to single women. The oldest
+unmarried daughter of the oldest brother, and she alone, has the right
+to use "Miss Campbell" on her card, although she may have a cousin who
+is much older than herself, but who is the daughter of a younger
+brother of the same family.
+
+A widow has no cards during her year of mourning, as she makes no
+formal visits. After that, cards with black border to any depth
+desired may be used.
+
+A widow has no legal right to retain her husband's Christian name, but
+she often prefers to do so, and it is entirely proper, the question
+being one of sentiment alone. In case there is a married son of the
+same name as the father, then it is proper for the mother to put "Sr."
+for Senior, at the end of her name, should she desire still to retain
+her husband's Christian name.
+
+In such a case widows occasionally prefer to use their own names or
+initials.
+
+In this country a married woman merges her name with that of her
+husband. It is not uncommon nowadays for married women to sign their
+own Christian name, their maiden surname, and their husband's surname
+as their signature. There is value in this as it preserves the family
+identity of the married woman, but the question of its legality may
+always be raised.
+
+The name of daughter or daughters is often engraved below that of the
+mother on her card, before the young woman enters formally into
+society. The form "The Misses Smith" may be used, or the names given
+separately. In New York in some circles the debutante is not given a
+separate card until she has been in society a year. As American
+schoolgirls often have a card with the prefix "Miss," the debutante
+may use this among her girl friends.
+
+To write anything on an engraved card except "Condolences,"
+"Congratulations," "_P. p. c._," is not considered good style,
+although a lady may use her visiting card with "Five o'clock tea,"
+"Music," or a special date written upon it as an informal invitation
+to a musical or "At Home."
+
+A business or professional woman may have, in addition to her society
+card, a card with her own name for business purposes. This usually has
+a word or two denoting her profession in the lower left-hand corner,
+and her business address in the lower right.
+
+A lady's card should always contain her home address in the lower
+right-hand corner. Her afternoon "At Home" is usually given in the
+lower left.
+
+The address is often omitted from cards for men, being engraved on
+those of the women of the family. Men belonging to a fashionable or
+well-known club put its name, instead of their residence, on their
+cards. This is especially the case when they do not live at home. If
+living at a club, the address is put on the lower left-hand corner; if
+living at home, the lower right-hand corner.
+
+On a man's business cards the title "Mr." is omitted, the name of his
+firm, their business, and address, being engraved in the lower
+left-hand corner.
+
+
+_Titles_
+
+Titles which signify permanent rank, or profession that lasts for
+life, and which are allied to a man's identity or distinctly bear
+upon his social standing, should be used.
+
+Temporary titles, which have no special social rank or bearing, or
+professional titles, such as "Esquire" for lawyers, which have no
+social significance, are not used.
+
+For the same reason that temporary or technical titles are not used,
+honorary titles are omitted. There should be no pretense in regard to
+social position, as pretense is easy and futile. A man appears in
+society simply as an ordinary individual, to win favor and position by
+force of his personality, or to lose it thereby.
+
+An army or a naval officer, a physician, a judge, or a clergyman may
+use his title on his card, as, for instance, "Captain James Smith,"
+"Judge Henry Gray," "Rev. Thomas Jones, D. D." The card of an
+Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court at Washington
+reads "Mr. Justice Holmes." Military or complimentary titles are not
+used, nor are coats of arms. In this republican country it is
+considered an affectation and bad taste so to make use of them.
+Political and judicial titles are also omitted, as are academic
+titles, such as Chancellor, Dean, and Professor.
+
+No title below the rank of Captain is used on the card in military
+circles. A lieutenant's card would give his full name with the prefix
+"Mr." and below it the words, "Lieutenant of Fifth Cavalry, United
+States Army," or simply, "United States Coast Guard Service."
+
+
+_Use_
+
+The etiquette of the visiting card is a fluctuating one. It cannot be
+laid down for all time, or even for next season.
+
+On entering at a reception, or afternoon tea, one leaves a card in the
+salver offered by the butler or attendant who opens the door, or upon
+the hall table, as a reminder to the hostess, who can hardly be
+expected to remember, if entertaining a large number, every one who
+has been there.
+
+One does not leave cards at a wedding reception, however.
+
+At an afternoon tea, it is no longer necessary to leave a card apiece
+from all the members of the invited families to all the members of the
+family of the hostess and her guests also. The single card for the
+host and hostess is all that is required.
+
+Should one be invited to a series of receptions, one leaves cards only
+once although one may attend twice. Leaving cards in person after a
+tea or reception is good form only for ceremonious affairs. After the
+usual private reception one should certainly call.
+
+If only one member of a family can attend a reception to which the
+others have been invited, she may leave the cards of the others,
+together with her own, with perfect propriety.
+
+Also when one is not able to attend a reception or an afternoon tea,
+cards may be sent by mail, although it is better to send them by
+messenger, to arrive on the day of the entertainment. One should call
+within a fortnight.
+
+It is not now considered necessary to call in person where formerly it
+was so held. The sending of the personal card often takes the place of
+the call. Nor need this be done by messenger. Cards for any purpose
+may now be sent by mail.
+
+After removing from one part of the city to another, it is customary
+for ladies to send engraved cards with their new address and with
+their reception day to all of their circle of acquaintances.
+
+A woman who is stopping for a brief time in a city where she has
+friends, sends to them her card containing her temporary address and
+the length of her stay, as "Here until June second," or "Here until
+Sunday."
+
+A man, however, calls upon his friends, and if they are absent leaves
+his card giving the same information.
+
+If a son old enough to go into society wishes to do so, his card is
+left with his father's and mother's at the beginning of the season.
+He will then be invited to the functions given by the friends of his
+parents.
+
+When there is illness or mourning in the household, friends leave
+their cards with the words "To inquire," "Sincere condolence," or
+"Sympathy" written upon them.
+
+The card which accompanies wedding gifts should be the joint card of
+"Mr. and Mrs.," if the gift is sent jointly, and may well have the
+words "Best wishes and congratulations," written upon it.
+
+The initials "_P. p. c._," meaning "_Pour prendre conge_," or "To take
+leave," are written upon one's personal cards, which are then sent out
+to one's friends when one is going away from a place either
+permanently or for a long time. They are usually written in the lower
+left-hand corner of the card. These cards may be sent by post, when
+the person leaving town has not the time to make a personal visit.
+They are not used when leaving town for the summer.
+
+It is quite proper to send or leave "_P. p. c._" cards when one goes
+away from a summer resort, especially if the people to whom they are
+sent do not live during the year in the same town or city with the
+sender.
+
+It is no longer permissible to fold over the ends of a card, to
+signify that it was intended for all the members of the family.
+
+The birth of a child may be announced by a small card containing the
+full name of the child daintily engraved, with the date of the birth
+in the lower left-hand corner. The card is tied to the mother's card
+by white ribbon, and both are enclosed in one envelope and sent by
+post.
+
+Visiting cards for those who are in mourning are the same size as the
+ordinary card. The width of the black border is regulated by the
+degree of the relationship to the deceased.
+
+
+_The Engraved Invitation_
+
+A fine grade of heavy, unglazed, pure white paper, suede finish, in
+double sheet folded to a size about five by seven and a half inches,
+or less, inserted in an envelope of the same width but half the
+length, is used for the billet on which wedding invitations and
+announcements are engraved. The impress of the plate demarks a margin
+of about an inch.
+
+A heavy or medium grade of white bristol board is used for invitations
+to "At Homes," dinner, receptions, dances, and all like social
+functions for which the common visiting card is not used. The size
+used varies with the number of words in the invitation, and may be
+quite large, as for a club or society reception, or formal openings or
+special occasions where a business corporation is the host. These
+cards have the same plate margin as the wedding invitation, although
+it is much narrower. Only the most formal invitations have space left
+for the writing in of the name of the guest.
+
+The billet, however, has certain advantages, especially where the
+occasion is very formal and select, and the information which should
+be furnished the guest is considerable. Elegance of this sort is now
+very costly.
+
+Several styles of type are in use: namely, the script having close
+round letters, and being as nearly black as Roman or Old English when
+engraved; a script lighter and more cursive; an Old English lettering;
+a shaded Roman letter, which is constantly growing in popularity;
+shaded Caxton; solid and shaded French script; and a plain Roman block
+letter.
+
+The script is the type most commonly used, both because of its beauty
+and legibility, and because of the comparative inexpensiveness of
+engraving, the cost being about half of that of either the Old English
+or the shaded Roman type.
+
+It is obvious that the size of page in this book will not permit
+facsimile reproductions of specimens of invitations and other social
+forms, which in nearly every case require a different proportion of
+space than the page offers. Therefore, to reproduce the style of
+lettering used for these forms has not been attempted. The examples
+present correct wording and proportionate arrangement.
+
+The following plates, which are exact photographs of steel and copper
+engraving, present several styles of script, Old English, and shaded
+and plain Roman faces, but do not represent more than a few sizes, and
+those the most common.
+
+[Illustration: Type styles and sizes for invitations]
+
+        _at the Church of the Messiah_
+
+        _Two Dancing Parties_
+
+        _request the pleasure of_
+
+        _At Home_                 _At Home_
+
+        =announce the marriage of=
+
+        =BROOKLINE,                    MASSACHUSETTS=
+
+        =First Unitarian Church=
+
+        =request the honour of your presence=
+
+        _=Mr. and Mrs.=_              _=New Hampshire=_
+
+        =ANNOUNCE THE MARRIAGE OF=
+
+        =Mr. and Mrs.=
+
+                        =at Emmanuel Church=
+
+        =at Warren, Pennsylvania=
+
+        _=Mrs. William Howell Meade=_
+
+        _Mrs. William Howell Meade_
+
+        =Mrs. William Howell Meade=
+
+        =MRS. WILLIAM HOWELL MEADE=
+
+
+_Dining and Party Invitations_
+
+The engraved card invitation for a luncheon is usually worded as
+follows:
+
+            _Mrs. Everetts S. Sinclair
+        requests the pleasure of your company
+                  at Luncheon
+          on Tuesday, February nineteenth
+                at one o'clock
+                 Hotel Willard_
+
+The dinner invitation is identical, except that for "Luncheon" is
+substituted "Dinner," and the hour is usually half after seven or
+eight o'clock. To this, or to any other dining invitation, may be
+added in the lower left-hand corner the words "Please reply," or, "The
+favor of a reply is requested."
+
+The party invitation may take either of the two following forms:
+
+              _Mrs. Harold Harmon Williams
+           requests the pleasure of your company
+             at a dancing party to be given
+               at the Glendale Country Club
+        Wednesday evening, December the twenty-ninth
+             from eight until eleven o'clock_
+
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Fairfield Watson
+              request the pleasure of_
+
+              _company at The Somerset Club
+        on the evening of Friday the ninth of February
+               from nine until one o'clock
+        Dancing and Bridge     95 Jackson Boulevard_
+
+The blank invitation is very convenient, as it may be sent out at
+short notice, and is definite and personal. The following is a form
+which lends itself to any one of the usual kinds of home
+entertainment:
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. St. John Ambrose Lockwood
+        request the pleasure of_
+
+        ........................................
+
+        _company at_............................
+
+             _on_............................
+
+          _at_................................
+
+                                _97 Washington Avenue_
+
+When, on an engraved invitation of any sort, be it wedding or dinner
+or any other, a blank line or lines are left for the insertion of the
+name of the guest, there is danger that, unless this is done with
+great care and by an able penman, the beauty of the invitation be
+ruined, and therefore its cost thrown away. For that reason a wholly
+engraved invitation is perhaps better, unless the work of addressing
+them and inserting the name is to be done by a professional penman. Of
+course, when this is done and well done, there is a personal touch, a
+suggestion of individual welcome, which can be gained in no other way,
+and which the wholly engraved invitation lacks.
+
+When an entertainment is given by a family at some place other than
+their home, the invitations have the name of the place and the street
+address put in at the usual place on the invitation, and then in the
+lower right-hand corner the words "Please reply," with the home
+address.
+
+A bachelor or widower uses his name alone at the top of the
+invitation. He will, of course, provide a chaperon, who in many
+respects takes the place of a hostess and so acts, but her name does
+not appear upon his invitation, unless she be his sister or near
+relative. The invitation then becomes a joint one, after the usual
+form.
+
+A widower with daughters may send out invitations headed in either of
+the following forms:
+
+          _Mr. John Marquand_
+            _Miss Marquand_
+        _Miss Estelle Marquand_
+
+or
+
+         _Mr. John Marquand_
+        _The Misses Marquand_
+
+For a dinner followed by a dance there are two invitations, the one a
+dinner invitation at an early hour for the favored few, the other a
+dancing party invitation at a later hour.
+
+Clubs have blanks which may be filled in by their members when they
+wish to entertain. These are issued in the club name, and are like any
+other private invitation, except that at the bottom and to the left
+"Compliments of" is engraved, and the name of the member who is
+special host is written in.
+
+Invitations containing the words "_Bal Poudre_" signify that the
+entertainment is a masquerade or fancy dress party, and the guests are
+expected to come in fancy costume with powdered hair.
+
+The word "ball" is used of an elaborate formal dance, usually a public
+one given by some club or for charity, and rarely of a private dance.
+
+In spite of the predominance of the engraved invitation for the most
+formal affairs, still small dinners, and even receptions and dancing
+parties, are sometimes announced by the handwritten invitations. The
+form should be the same as the engraved one, although to very intimate
+friends it should be changed to a friendly note.
+
+Acceptances are in the form of the invitation. If that is an informal
+note, the acceptance or regret is sent in the same style. If the
+invitation is formal, the reply also should be written in the third
+person and be about as follows:
+
+             _Mr. and Mrs. Allston B. Sinclair
+        accept with pleasure the kind invitation of
+          Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Emanuel Farrington
+                     for dinner
+           on Thursday, the ninth of December
+             at half after eight o'clock_
+
+The reply to an invitation should be sent to the person or persons who
+issued it, never to any other member of the family, although such a
+one may be better known.
+
+To write the word "Regrets" on one's visiting card and send it in
+declination of any invitation is bad form, even if the invitation come
+in similar shape. One should always write a note of regret.
+
+Bachelors and widowers, who entertain at their apartments or studio or
+club, and army and navy officers never use the words "At Home," but
+always "request the pleasure (or honour) of your presence."
+
+If one is entertaining a guest and an invitation is received, one may
+with propriety ask the hostess for an invitation for one's guest, if
+the form of entertainment is so general as to make this right and
+reasonable; otherwise one must decline the invitation. It would not be
+right to ask for another dinner invitation, or one to a select group
+of people, where the guest would be an intruder.
+
+It is preferable and a much later form to use the words "Please
+reply," or "An early reply is requested," rather than the abbreviation
+"_R. s. v. p._" for "_Repondez, s'il vous plait_," meaning "Reply, if
+you please."
+
+If a son should return from college or other absence, and the parents
+wish to entertain for him, their invitations would have at the bottom
+the word "For" followed by his name.
+
+In sending out invitations, one should be sent to the father and
+mother jointly, one to each son separately, and one to the daughters
+jointly, the latter being addressed "The Misses Estabrook."
+
+Invitations should be sent to people in mourning, although they are
+not expected to accept. They should not be slighted or forgotten
+during such a period.
+
+
+_Wedding Invitations and Announcements_
+
+The following are the usual forms of wording for the wedding
+invitation:
+
+         _Mr. and Mrs. Reinhard Ernst Ormond_
+        _request the honour of your presence_
+         _at the marriage of their daughter_
+                      _Eida_
+                       _to_
+                 _Dr. Otto Bertelli_
+          _on Wednesday, the first of April_
+            _nineteen hundred and thirteen_
+                 _at twelve o'clock_
+                _Church of the Messiah_
+                 _St. Louis, Missouri_
+
+
+               _Mr. Arnold Hamilton Forsyth_
+           _requests the pleasure of your company_
+          _at the marriage reception of his daughter_
+                        _Margaret_
+                          _and_
+                    _Mr. Walter Mallory_
+        _on the evening of Wednesday, the twenty-ninth_
+                        _of June_
+            _one thousand nine hundred and twelve_
+                _from eight until ten o'clock_
+                      _17 Elm Hill Avenue_
+                   _Philadelphia, Pennsylvania_
+        _R. s. v. p._
+
+
+            _Dr. and Mrs. Maurice Howe Cavanaugh_
+                   _request the honour of_
+
+        _presence at the marriage of their daughter_
+                     _Rebecca Falmouth_
+                           _to_
+               _Mr. Charles Hunnewell Clark_
+               _on Monday, the ninth of July_
+                     _at eight o'clock_
+                 _Church of the Redeemer_
+                       _Washington_
+
+The usual form of marriage announcement is as follows:
+
+           _Mr. and Mrs. William T. Kimball_
+        _announce the marriage of their daughter_
+                  _Dorothy Lucinda_
+                          _to_
+                 _Mr. LeRoy L. Hallock_
+        _on Wednesday, the first day of December_
+          _one thousand nine hundred and twelve_
+                   _Chicago, Illinois_
+
+
+             _Mr. Arthur Edmand Sawyer_
+                      _and_
+           _Miss Emma Pauline Farrington_
+            _announce their marriage_
+         _on Sunday the sixteenth of July_
+        _one thousand nine hundred and ten_
+             _at Boston, Massachusetts_
+
+The "At Home" card of the bridal couple, which goes with a wedding
+invitation, does not have the name of the couple upon it, but reads
+simply
+
+                _At Home_
+        _after the first of November_
+          _1219 Pennsylvania Avenue_
+               _Washington_
+
+When an "At Home" card is included in a wedding _announcement_,
+however, the name of the couple appears upon it, as follows:
+
+              _Mr. and Mrs. Albion Frederick Marston_
+
+            _Will be at home_           _763 Chapel Avenue_
+        _after the first of August_         _Toronto_
+
+For the card of invitation to the wedding reception the wording is as
+follows:
+
+                  _Reception_
+        _immediately after the ceremony_
+              _Eight Salem Street_
+
+or
+
+                 _Reception_
+        _immediately after the ceremony_
+            _in the church parlors_
+
+In the case of a church wedding, it is always well to enclose with the
+invitation a small card reading: "Please present this card at the
+church on August the third."
+
+In case the wedding takes place in the country and invitations are
+sent to many friends in the city, a card giving directions as to what
+train to take, and where, which is to be presented to the conductor
+instead of a ticket, and which entitles the possessor to special
+accommodations, is enclosed with the invitation.
+
+Wedding invitations, or announcements, and their accompanying cards,
+are enclosed in two envelopes, one within the other, of the same
+stock as the billets. Upon the outer is written the name of the person
+and his street address; upon the inner only the name of the one for
+whom it is intended.
+
+Wedding invitations should be addressed to "Mrs. Chandler Jones," on
+the outside envelope. Within this is a second envelope addressed to
+"Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones." The older custom is to address the
+outside envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones," as well as the
+inside. The lady of the house is now, however, beginning to be looked
+upon as head of its social affairs, as her husband is of its business
+affairs, and hence the style of addressing invitations to her.
+
+The words "And Family" are no longer used after the parents' names,
+but separate invitations are sent to the members.
+
+It is quite the courteous thing to include among the people invited to
+a wedding, especially if it is to be in a church, the special business
+friends and associates of the bridegroom-elect, his father, and the
+bride's father.
+
+In case the invitations are for the ceremony only at a church wedding,
+the address of the bride's parents should be embossed upon the outside
+envelope.
+
+Acquaintances purely professional do not receive cards to a wedding.
+One's physician, however, if his family is prominent socially, may be
+included among the guests.
+
+Announcement cards should be quite ready to post immediately after the
+ceremony. They should be sent to all the circle of friends and
+acquaintances of both the bride's and the bridegroom's families, save
+to those who have been invited to the marriage or the wedding
+reception.
+
+The announcement of an "At Home" or reception should always be made on
+a separate card,--not on a corner of the wedding invitation or
+announcement.
+
+An immediate reply is necessary when one is invited to a home wedding.
+If the wedding is a church wedding, and there is no reception
+following it, one makes no reply if one intends to be present, but
+sends one's card upon the date set, if one cannot attend.
+
+
+_Various Announcement Cards_
+
+In case of the postponement of a wedding or a dinner or reception
+because of some grave accident or illness, the cancellation of the
+invitations, or the announcement of the postponement, should be
+engraved and sent out at the earliest possible date.
+
+For a wedding it may read somewhat as follows:
+
+                _Mr. and Mrs. Maynard S. Taylor_
+                      _regret to announce_
+        _that on account of serious illness in the family_
+               _the marriage of their daughter_
+               _Emmeline and Mr. Fosdick Arlington_
+                _will be indefinitely postponed_
+
+A family which has passed through a period of calamity and bereavement
+may wish to make some acknowledgment of the attentions of friends, and
+may do so in some such form as follows:
+
+          _The brothers and sisters of_
+            _Dr. Ralph J. Harkins_
+            _gratefully acknowledge_
+        _your kind expression of sympathy_
+
+The special "At Home" card which is used for a reception in honor of a
+friend or guest may contain the name of the friend either on the first
+or the last line of the invitation, with the words "To meet" before
+it; as:
+
+              _Mrs. Ernest L. Lafricain_
+                       _At Home_
+           _Thursday, December twenty-third_
+                   _from four to six_
+            _275 Grand Pre Avenue, Montreal_
+        _To meet Mrs. Jackson Seymour Montgomery_
+
+For a general reception the following form is good:
+
+            _Mr. and Mrs. Henry Illington Bray_
+                _Mr. and Mrs. Harold Bray_
+           _request the honor of your presence_
+                   _on New Year's Day_
+        _from four until half after seven o'clock_
+                 _174 Albemarle Street_
+                        _Winnipeg_
+
+The private engraved card for Christmas and New Year greetings, which
+may be sent to one's entire list of friends, is much in favor. Great
+distinction and individuality of design and selection of sentiment may
+be obtained by this means. The following is an appropriate form:
+
+                              "_The glory breaks
+        And Christmas comes once more_"
+
+        _Mr. and Mrs. Nathaniel Clarke Sutherland
+                   cordially greet_
+
+          _with every good wish of the Season_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC
+
+
+THE test of the depth of one's courtesy is found in one's attitude to
+strangers and the public at large. If one observes toward them the
+little courtesies, then one may be safely trusted to keep to the
+highest ideal of social intercourse in times of emergency and rigid
+testing.
+
+Always in a public place the real gentleman and lady will be
+unobtrusive, speaking quietly, and showing in their manner that they
+each believe himself and herself but a single unit in the world of
+humanity, and therefore not entitled to monopolize attention. They
+will go about their business with none of that idle curiosity which
+forms the street crowd.
+
+In places of public amusement, they will show true courtesy by not
+coming in late,--that is, by being on time or missing the performance.
+They will not rustle their programs needlessly. They will so dispose
+of their coats and wraps that others will not be inconvenienced by
+them, even if it takes them an extra ten minutes at the close of the
+evening to obtain them from the cloak room.
+
+They will not talk or whisper to each other during speaking or singing
+on the stage, or at any time when so doing will make it difficult for
+others to hear what is going on. They will applaud temperately, and
+with only that degree of fervor which is for the best interests of the
+audience and the actors as a whole. That is, at a concert they will
+not so applaud one artist as to break up the program.
+
+At formal business meetings they will take pains to conform to
+Parliamentary usage, which is really only the etiquette of debate, and
+will not insist upon rights which have been ruled out, or in word or
+manner express a disorderly spirit. "The greatest good of the largest
+number" will be the rule of their deportment in public.
+
+At a social occasion of any sort, every one present is under
+obligation to do what he can to add to the general pleasure. If he
+cannot or will not, he should remain away. If he is asked to play a
+musical instrument or sing, he should do so without urging, for his
+talents, except in very special cases wherein he would not be asked,
+are or should be at the disposal of the company, or at the request of
+his hostess. Any voluntary or requested performance of this sort may
+be as brief as he pleases, and should be brief, unless his talent is
+so great that there can be no possible doubt of its acceptability, and
+he is in a generous mood,--a combination of circumstances rare in any
+but the most talented circles.
+
+If you turn the pages of music for a musician, do so in a quiet and
+self-forgetful manner. Interest in you is quite subordinate to
+interest in the performer.
+
+Do not by extravagant applause encourage parlor recitations, for
+mediocre talent is always profuse.
+
+It is a mark of good breeding to control or at least conceal one's
+moods, so that in company one always appears to be content, if not
+happy. It adds much to the happiness of others to give this
+impression, and is therefore generous as well as wise.
+
+It is always rude to interrupt with conversation, or yawning, or any
+motion, a musical performance, or any entertainment whether public or
+private, in which those about one are interested. One should retire if
+he cannot refrain.
+
+Behavior in church may be taught in one great principle, providing
+that principle is fundamental enough. The sense of reverence for the
+things of the spiritual life may be felt, if not comprehended, by even
+the child. No amount of "Don't's," if the spirit of worship be not
+instilled, will avail to make the child of any age an attentive and
+reverent worshiper or even attendant at church.
+
+The sense of worship will forbid whispering and chatting with friends,
+the noisy turning of the leaves of hymn-book or Bible, or an
+indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in prayer.
+
+Another sign of the same reverence is the careful observance of
+punctuality at the service. A church service is, by its very nature, a
+more intimate and important service to the attendant than any other.
+Therefore, to come in late, thus distracting the attention of those
+who have gone to church for meditation or worship, is a far more
+flagrant offense against the rights of others, than is the disturbing
+of their pleasure at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance.
+
+The habit of a vacant or absent mind in company is a grave fault, and
+works greatly to the detriment of one's reputation for intelligence,
+in spite of all else that one may do to establish it.
+
+Straightforward attentiveness is the attitude of most profit and
+enjoyment in society. One learns then what other people are thinking
+about, and becomes more and more active mentally. Such an attitude
+establishes the confidence of others in one's sincerity and
+intelligence.
+
+Inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm. No one cares to talk twice
+with a person who, no matter what his wit or ability to entertain, has
+betrayed one into divulging facts or making remarks which he regrets.
+
+Upon the street a gentleman always takes the outside of the walk, when
+with a lady, the custom having come down from the days when dangers
+beset the path, and the man had to be at the point of vantage for the
+protection of the woman.
+
+When a married woman and an unmarried girl are walking together, the
+married woman takes the outside of the walk.
+
+In passing single file other people or some obstacle, the gentleman
+always steps back and allows the lady to precede him. If, however, the
+way is crowded or there is necessity that she should be protected, he
+goes first.
+
+In entering a hotel dining-room the lady always goes first.
+
+A lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless she is blind, infirm, or
+crippled, or in a turbulent crowd.
+
+The considerate person will not enter even a public hotel late at
+night, much less a home, his own or any other, in a noisy, careless
+fashion. Those who are asleep deserve as great consideration as if
+they were awake, and more also.
+
+The modern courtesy of letting each one pay for himself in a car, a
+train, a restaurant, or a theatre, is a much more rational one than
+the older form of permitting one to act as host, as if he were in his
+own house. A gentleman might offer to pay for others, if he wished to,
+but he should not insist upon paying; nor should any one carelessly or
+designedly permit his expenses to be paid by another, unless he
+himself expects to offer equal hospitality at another time.
+
+In entering a carriage or automobile, one should step promptly,
+without either loitering or haste. If one is to sit facing the horses
+or the front of the automobile, and there is but one step to take, one
+puts the left foot on it. If there are two steps, the right foot
+should take the first, the left the second. If one is to face in the
+opposite direction from what the vehicle is going, one should use the
+right foot first in case of the one step, and the left foot first in
+case of the two.
+
+When two ladies who are guest and hostess are driving together, the
+guest should enter first, taking the farther seat, facing the front of
+the carriage, so that it will not be necessary for her hostess to pass
+her. When a mother and daughter enter a carriage, the mother precedes,
+and the daughter sits by her side if no other lady is present. In case
+of two daughters, the elder sits by the side of the mother, and the
+younger sits opposite.
+
+The fashionable hours for driving are from two-thirty to five in the
+winter, and from three to six-thirty in the summer.
+
+Young women never ride horseback in cities or in public parks without
+an escort. In the country the rule is not so rigidly enforced. In case
+a groom is the escort, he rides slightly behind, keeping watch that he
+may be of service.
+
+A riding-habit should be absolutely neat, simple, and inconspicuous.
+The hat should be plain, the hair compactly done, and the whole effect
+of the costume trim serviceableness and grace, rather than prettiness.
+
+In mounting a horse a woman gathers up her habit in her left hand, and
+stands close to the horse with her right hand on the pommel of the
+saddle. The man who assists her stoops and places his right hand with
+the palm up at a convenient distance from the ground. The lady then
+puts her left foot into his hand, and springs up into the saddle with
+his assistance.
+
+It is necessary, first, to have a firm seat; secondly, a skillful hand
+on the rein. One should sit in the middle of the saddle, in an easy,
+natural position, with the body not stiff but supple and responsive to
+the motion of the horse. The elbows should be well in to the side, in
+a line with the shoulders, and the hands should be relaxed and yet
+responsive to the slightest pull of the rein.
+
+It is no longer considered wise and necessary for a woman to use a
+side saddle. In the freedom of a graceful divided skirt, she strides
+the saddle as do the men, and therefore has an equal chance with them
+to ride gracefully and safely,--a privilege which fashion long denied.
+
+To keep to the right always is the only safe rule in the United
+States. In England and Canada the rule of keeping to the left is
+observed with the same rigidity.
+
+In business life it is not good form to dine with your employer. This
+does not include a ban upon those business dinners, where there is a
+group of people, the majority of them men, with one or two unmarried
+business women of equal or superior business standing, who meet over
+the dinner table to talk of business problems. That occasion has its
+own etiquette, and one which the business man or woman readily
+fashions for himself or herself, and which follows the rules of
+business expediency rather than social life.
+
+It is not necessary to recognize in society a strictly business
+acquaintance unless you wish to do so.
+
+Neatness demands that the traveler always carry his own toilet
+articles, and not depend upon the public supplies, which are,
+however, supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emergencies.
+
+The dress for traveling should be plain and simple, suited to the need
+rather than elaborate. The effect of crumpled finery is so very
+unpleasant that no person of taste will make a display of it in a
+public conveyance.
+
+If you wish to leave your seat in a train, a coat or bag placed upon
+it is sufficient to reserve it for you. The removal of a coat or bag
+so placed is a very great rudeness.
+
+A gentleman will give up his seat to two ladies, or to a gentleman and
+lady traveling together, as he can be more readily accommodated in the
+single seats than can they.
+
+It is courteous for a gentleman who has a vacant place in the seat
+with him to offer it to a lady who is standing, and so prevent her
+from feeling that she is intruding in taking it, if there are no other
+seats vacant.
+
+When a man opens a door for a woman who is a stranger, or offers her
+any other civility, or begs pardon for some blunder, he takes off his
+hat to her.
+
+While traveling alone, it is not necessary or wise to be resentful of
+polite remarks or attentions. They should be met with equal
+politeness. Quiet dignity and tact will terminate without offense any
+conversation which has grown too familiar or tedious.
+
+The comfort of all in the car, not of one individual, should be
+consulted in the opening of windows and doors, and the consent of
+those sitting near should be gained.
+
+It is a grave breach of good manners to monopolize a dressing-room for
+quite a period of time. One should be as expeditious as possible, and
+should not seriously inconvenience others, even if he deprives himself
+of some of the comfort he desires.
+
+It is not well to travel unless you can afford it. If you can and do
+travel, deal courteously and generously with those who serve you.
+
+Ask questions only of officials of the road or the ship, or of
+policemen in the street.
+
+The exchange of visiting cards with strangers, unless under unusual
+circumstances, is unwise and bad form.
+
+Ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself, unless she is under escort of
+a relative or intimate friend to whom she gives the right to pay for
+her. When she enters a car alone and there meets an acquaintance, she
+always pays her own fare, unless the acquaintance may be an old and
+intimate friend.
+
+When a lady is taking a long trip under escort of some gentleman
+friend, it is proper for her to reimburse him for his expenditures in
+her behalf. She should hand him her purse with which to purchase her
+ticket.
+
+The munching of nuts, fruit, or candy in a crowded public conveyance
+is a serious offense against those about you. A neat lunch, quietly
+eaten at an appropriate hour, is not offensive and is quite
+permissible. But one should not impose even the odor of food upon
+people who are forced to be near, and who may find it extremely
+disagreeable.
+
+The recent passage and enforcement of laws regarding expectoration in
+public places is a great step in advance, and must be rigidly
+maintained for the sake of the public health. The chewing of gum,
+while no menace to society, is as unesthetic and disgusting as
+expectoration, and should fall under as righteous if not as severe a
+ban.
+
+In a car or train do not fan yourself so vigorously that the person in
+front of you feels the air current upon the back of his neck. A book
+or newspaper should not be placed so that it rubs constantly against
+the hat of the person in the seat in front.
+
+Pushing, shoving, and all like methods of getting people to move out
+of your way, or of getting ahead of others, are marks of great
+rudeness, and have a tendency to retard rather than aid one's progress
+through a crowd or into a car. The quiet, good-natured crowd disperses
+most rapidly.
+
+At the ferry and all prepayment places, have the right change in
+hand, so that you do not keep back those who are in a rush to catch a
+boat or a car, by fumbling for your money or making the receiver make
+change.
+
+Do not carry an umbrella carelessly. You are as culpable if you injure
+another as another would be if he injured you.
+
+To converse in loud tones or talk of personal matters anywhere in
+public shows great lack of fine feeling and good breeding.
+
+Never show hostility, nor permit people to quarrel with you. The
+irritability which crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary to
+adhere, from principle, to the rule of strict good-will toward all.
+
+If you are escorting a woman, do not permit her to suffer any
+discomfort; but if, by chance, she does, do not pick a quarrel with
+the person who caused it. Firmly but quietly afford her protection,
+but do not demand satisfaction for discomforts or insults for which
+there is no satisfaction and whose discussion only increases the
+offense.
+
+A lady need feel no embarrassment if she is obliged to spend a few
+days in a hotel alone. Upon entering she would go to the desk and make
+arrangements for a room. When the choice is made she surrenders her
+hand bag to the bell-boy, who conducts her to her room. She should,
+for her own convenience and protection, deposit valuables or large
+sums of money with the hotel proprietor in the office safe. Then the
+responsibility becomes his, but he does not assume it if they are left
+in the room. Upon leaving her room, she should lock her trunks and
+door, and leave the key with the clerk at the desk.
+
+A lady's deportment in a hotel is that of quiet reserve, but not of
+haughty distance. She should dress simply and plainly, so as not to
+attract attention, as she is in a public place. The only time when
+elegant dress is permissible at a hotel is when one is with an escort,
+or is one of a group of people so dressed in order to attend some
+function.
+
+A lady will not stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, will not
+loiter about the hotel office, or walk out alone upon the piazza or
+any conspicuous place, or stand at the windows of the parlor. She will
+remember that she is in a public place, where she may encounter all
+classes of people, so she will not permit herself any of the liberties
+of a home. She will not go through the halls humming or singing, or
+take a book or newspaper from the public parlor and carry it off to
+her room, even if she does shortly return it. She will not, even in
+her own room, make such noise as will attract attention or disturb
+other guests.
+
+She will not call a cab herself, but will summon a bell-boy and have
+him attend to it. After her baggage is packed she will let the
+servants attend to it, even to the handing her of her umbrella and
+hand bag after she is in the carriage. She will never take the liberty
+of chiding a servant, but will make a necessary complaint to the clerk
+at the desk.
+
+To open a window in the parlor of a hotel, when others are by and may
+be discomforted, is a breach of politeness. Also it is not right that
+even an accomplished musician or singer should use the piano of the
+hotel parlor, if others are in the room, unless he has received a
+unanimous invitation to do so.
+
+One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or the dining-room without
+being thought forward or intrusive, and also may respond to such
+greetings without compromise, as such acquaintance does not imply or
+demand recognition elsewhere.
+
+A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table, will decide quickly what
+dishes she wishes, and order them distinctly but quietly. She will
+wait patiently to be served, without any display of embarrassment. It
+is allowable to read a newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not
+good taste to bring books to the table at any time. If she desires a
+dish which she sees, but the name of which she does not know, she will
+not point to it, but will indicate it to the waiter by her glance and
+her description.
+
+If she has friends or makes table acquaintances, she will talk with
+them in a low tone. She will never talk with some one at another
+table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such as the passing of food,
+is offered her by either a lady or a gentleman, she will express her
+thanks, but will not start a conversation.
+
+The usual good manners of cultivated people, emphasized by the
+additional restraint which the presence of the public imposes, is a
+safe standard of etiquette in a hotel.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+THE ART OF BEING A GUEST
+
+
+JUST as the host and hostess, in sending out an invitation, obligate
+themselves to make everything as enjoyable as possible for their
+guest, so a guest, in accepting, obligates himself or herself to meet
+the efforts of the host and hostess at least halfway. Success in the
+art of being a guest depends more upon the spirit in which one accepts
+of entertainment than upon the entertainment offered.
+
+A formal dinner is one of the most solemn obligations of society.
+After having once accepted the invitation, only death or mortal
+illness is an excuse for not attending.
+
+One may attend a formal reception and not expend more than twenty
+minutes of time, if one wishes to be very prompt. The round of social
+duty there is brief. A lady removes her wrap, but not her hat or
+gloves, in the dressing-room, and thence goes directly to the
+drawing-room. The guest here greets the host and hostess, briefly if
+the reception is large and the flow of incoming guests constant, then
+passes to the room where the refreshments are served. After partaking
+of these, the guest may leave without bidding adieu to the hostess,
+unless the reception is small and she is free to speak a second time
+with her guests.
+
+If one is present at an afternoon tea or reception, it is not always
+necessary to call afterwards; yet, many hostesses expect such a call
+if the affair has been formal. One should certainly call after a tea
+given to introduce a debutante, or a wedding reception, or one given
+in honor of some special person or event.
+
+If a guest is not pleased with the food provided at a luncheon or
+dinner, or for any special reason cannot eat of any one dish, he
+should try and satisfy himself with something else, and make no
+comment upon it, doing his utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking
+that she has not well provided for him.
+
+At a dancing party a young man should assist his hostess in seeing
+that all the young ladies have an equal chance to dance, and that none
+are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth of partners. His
+obligation to his hostess and to society should be thus honored, as it
+is not, of course, a private affair for his own amusement, and as upon
+him, more than upon the young women, depends its success.
+
+It is necessary that introductions be freely made at a dancing party,
+in order that all may enjoy the evening, and every one should try to
+make all his friends acquainted with each other.
+
+A young woman remains seated by the side of her chaperon until asked
+to dance. After a dance her partner returns with her to the chaperon.
+
+If the son of the hostess requests a dance of a young woman, she
+should give it unless her program is quite full. If for any reason she
+refuses a dance to one man, she should not give it to another, but
+should sit it out. A woman, having once promised a dance, should
+fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so, in which case she will
+dance no more during the evening. The young man who is thus refused is
+free, having returned with her to her chaperon, to seek another
+partner.
+
+Unless a young couple are engaged to each other, they should not dance
+together so often as to be conspicuous. Nor may they disappear into
+secluded corners and sit out dances. It is poor taste and very
+questionable etiquette, even if engaged.
+
+When asked to dance, a woman hands the man her program, saying, "I am
+not engaged for that dance, and will be pleased to give it to you."
+After the dance the man may thank the woman for it, and she may make
+some remark to express her pleasure in it.
+
+If a man is delayed in claiming a woman for the promised dance, he
+should make profuse apologies.
+
+A man dances first with the woman he escorts, or with the daughters of
+the hostess, or her guests in the house. Afterward he may choose for
+himself, always remembering that he should assist his hostess in
+giving a good time to all.
+
+A woman always makes the first move toward going home at every social
+gathering. At a dance it is not necessary to say good-night to the
+hostess unless there is a good opportunity.
+
+If a man is suddenly called away, he should try to find partners for
+the ladies with whom he engaged dances, and should explain his leaving
+to them.
+
+It is not obligatory, but simply a pleasant custom, for a man to send
+flowers to the young woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing
+party. When she is his fiancee, it is especially appropriate and
+appreciated.
+
+When one is on a visit, or at a house or weekend party, one has to
+follow the style of dress of the people whom one is visiting, so no
+hard and fast rules can be laid down. One should have suitable
+garments for each of the forms of recreation which one is to enjoy,
+and should follow quite closely the requirements of the hour.
+
+When traveling, small, plain hats and tidily draped veils are
+necessary. For mountain visits, thicker clothing and heavier wraps
+will be in demand, than are used in the city. When it is the custom to
+dress for dinner, one should always adhere to it, and so plan one's
+hours that nothing interferes with so doing and being prompt as well.
+
+A guest should not claim the entire time of her hostess. The hours
+between breakfast and lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her
+household and family duties, and the guest should entertain herself
+during them.
+
+No guest should ever accept an invitation to an entertainment, a
+drive, or any other amusement without first consulting with her
+hostess. If, having friends in the same city or town, she has
+invitations from them for special occasions, she should inform her
+hostess of them promptly, that two plans may not be made for the same
+date.
+
+Unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble, she never suggests
+retiring. That is the duty of the hostess.
+
+A guest should take pains to arrive when expected. If she has promised
+a visit, she should keep her promise, unless matters of serious
+illness or grave moment forbid it, in which case a prompt and
+explanatory apology is imperative.
+
+The guest should decide with her hostess, early in her stay, upon the
+date of her departure, if that has not been already settled in the
+form of the invitation, and should then abide rigidly by it, allowing
+nothing but the most earnest importunity on the part of her hostess
+personally, and for clearly shown and newly arising reasons, to detain
+her longer.
+
+The guest should be pleased and well entertained with everything that
+is done for her amusement, or should appear to be so. If she cannot
+give herself up to the enjoyment of the sort of entertainment which
+her host and hostess provide, she should not accept the invitation to
+visit them.
+
+The guest should be punctual at meals and conform in every particular
+to the ways of the household. She should not arrive in the living-room
+or drawing-room at hours when there will be none to entertain her, and
+when it would embarrass her hostess to know that she was unattended.
+To sit up after the family has gone to bed, to lie in bed after the
+entire family have risen, to be late at meals, to be writing an
+important letter or doing some mending when the carriage is at the
+door for a drive, or wish to go to drive when the carriage has been
+dismissed, to be too tired to attend the dinner or reception given in
+one's honor, to fail to keep appointments for the stroll or some sport
+because one wants to do something else,--these things show a total
+lack of consideration on the part of the guest, and make it
+impossible to enjoy her stay or wish for her return.
+
+At times which seem appropriate it is well to retire to one's room and
+leave the family by themselves. It is not necessary for the family
+life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to the guest. Hospitality
+would be more generously shown if it did not make so many unnecessary
+demands upon the time and comfort of the members of the family.
+
+The guest should never take sides in any family discussion, and if
+anything unpleasant occurs, she should ignore it entirely, and not
+seem to know anything about it or take any interest in it.
+
+It is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to one's hosts to retail any
+information one may have acquired on a visit, or discuss their
+characteristics and management with any one.
+
+A guest need not attend religious services, or be present at the calls
+of commonplace people, or enter into local philanthropies, unless he
+wishes to do so. True hospitality relieves him from all sense of
+obligation in these matters. If, however, carriages are provided so
+that guests may attend church, or guests are told of the hour for
+family worship and are invited to be present, it is more courteous to
+attend.
+
+Guests at country houses should be willing to take hold and help in
+any emergency, such as the absence or sickness of the servants, and
+should be willing to join heartily in the country frolics where work
+is usually to be shared by all.
+
+In the country people visit in large parties, so when one is invited
+to go on an excursion or with a crowd to visit some neighbor, one
+should not hesitate for fear of being one too many.
+
+One should follow the wish of the host or hostess in regard to giving
+the servants some gratuity for service rendered, if that wish is
+known; otherwise, unless there is an accepted rule to the contrary, it
+is well to give, when leaving, a small gift of money to such of the
+servants as have been especially helpful. One should always treat
+servants with consideration and kindness, if not with generosity. It
+is better to be less lavish with money and more painstaking in
+remembering personally the people who have served you, renewing
+acquaintance with them if opportunity offers, treating them in a human
+way, and not with the indifference with which you would treat a
+mechanism.
+
+If a gift is given, it should be done unostentatiously. The tactful,
+quiet way of doing it, free from patronage, and showing only good-will
+and gratitude for service rendered, is the only polite way. Money
+never compensates for haughtiness and brusqueness, and the gentleman
+or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of the feelings of even an
+incompetent servant.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS
+
+
+HOSPITALITY is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and
+its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous
+consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly
+entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give
+happiness.
+
+The pleasant custom of serving tea each day at five o'clock is one
+which admits of great enjoyment. The man of the house tries to be at
+home for the quiet social hour before the family dinner. The young
+people of the family are gathering after the day's dispersion. The
+friends, who are out calling or on their way home, drop in for a
+pleasant chat; and the charming hostess has time for many glimpses of
+friends, and chance also to say the right word to some friend in need
+of cheer, who knew that she could be found at her daily hour of
+welcome.
+
+The custom of receiving on a certain day of the week is a sensible and
+hospitable one. If one has such an "At Home" day, it is more polite
+for friends to call on that day than on any other. If a lady has,
+however, sent out cards announcing that she is "At Home" on
+"Wednesdays in January and February," one should not call on those
+days unless one has received the card having the special invitation.
+
+Some receive once a month during the season. They have the day
+engraved on their card, as "The first Friday until Lent," or "The
+second Wednesday until April."
+
+The custom of sending out cards for a certain day throughout one month
+avoids a "crush" on any one day, and enables a hostess to receive
+informally without giving up a great part of her time.
+
+The informal entertainment is a greater compliment to guests than any
+formal entertainment, however splendid.
+
+The hostess should preserve the happy medium between neglecting and
+overattending to her guests.
+
+When a hostess wishes to have her friends meet an expected guest, she
+should inform them of the intended visit beforehand, and so enable
+them to make an engagement to meet her, or plan entertainment for her.
+Invitations to a reception in honor of a friend can well be, and
+should be, sent out in advance of her coming, if her stay is to be
+short, and if the dates of her stay are definitely known.
+
+At a reception for the introduction of a friend, the hostess and the
+guest of honor will stand near the door of the drawing-room and
+receive. If the reception is very large, the butler announces the
+names of the guests as they enter. The hostess gives her hand to the
+newcomer, and presents her to the guest of honor. After a few words of
+greeting, the caller passes on into the room where the refreshments
+are served.
+
+The refreshments usually consist of dainty sandwiches, salads, perhaps
+creamed oysters or chicken, bouillon, chocolate, coffee, or lemonade.
+
+Afternoon teas are less formal and less elaborate than receptions. The
+refreshments consist of tea, with thin slices of bread and butter,
+thin biscuits, and cake.
+
+At a dancing party the hostess receives, together with her daughters
+and any guests whom she honors by asking. The host may receive, as
+well, but his chief duty is to keep a watchful eye upon his guests,
+looking out for the chaperons, and seeing that the young people are
+supplied with partners for the dances.
+
+At a debutante party the mother stands nearest the drawing-room door,
+the daughter next her, and the father beyond. The mother greets each
+guest and then introduces the daughter. At the supper or dinner her
+brother or father takes out the debutante, who sits at her father's
+left. In case her brother takes her out, her father takes out the
+oldest or most honored lady present.
+
+The successful host and hostess see to it that all their guests are
+introduced to each other, if this is possible, so that the best of
+cordiality and the least restraint may characterize their mingling.
+
+
+_Breakfasts and Luncheons_
+
+Breakfasts may be homelike, informal affairs, or quite ceremonious.
+The hour of this meal is at any time before one o'clock, usually
+twelve or twelve-thirty. After one o'clock the affair becomes a
+luncheon.
+
+Men are invited to a breakfast, but usually at a luncheon the guests
+are all women.
+
+A real breakfast menu, such as is often served on Sunday mornings in
+the country, consists of fruit, cereal, a chop, or steak, or
+fishballs, with potatoes, eggs in some form, muffins or hot rolls, and
+coffee, waffles or hot cakes, or, in New England, doughnuts.
+
+The menu for luncheon consists usually of soup, fruit, lobster in
+cutlets or croquettes, with mushrooms, or omelet, or fish; broiled
+chicken, or lamb chops, with green peas and potatoes; a salad,
+crackers and cheese; ice cream, with coffee, tea, or chocolate.
+
+At a breakfast or luncheon, as at a dinner, every effort should be
+made to be punctual. The success of such an occasion may be ruined by
+a tardy guest.
+
+At a luncheon one removes wraps and veils in the dressing-room,
+retaining one's hat and gloves, the latter being removed at table, and
+resumed in the drawing-room after the meal, unless cards are the form
+of entertainment.
+
+As the guests enter the drawing-room the hostess shakes hands with
+them and introduces them to one another before going to the
+dining-room. When no men are present the hostess leads the way to the
+dining-room, and the guests find their places at the table by the name
+cards. When men are present the procedure to the dining-room follows
+the custom at a formal dinner.
+
+It is becoming customary to use the daylight as much as possible at
+all social functions; and, indeed, at no affair, unless it be very
+late in the afternoon and very ceremonious, is the daylight excluded
+and the candles and chandeliers lighted.
+
+
+_The Formal Dinner_
+
+The most enjoyable dinner is that with four or six guests, which is
+served in a simple and only semiformal way. This enables a hostess to
+bring together only congenial people, and the group is small enough
+for the talk to be largely general, and thence especially valuable, as
+each brings his wittiest stories, his clearest thoughts, and his best
+self to the appreciative and inspiring circle.
+
+The formal dinner is usually set for seven o'clock, or half after, or
+eight. The elaborate dinner will take from an hour to two hours,
+according to the number of courses and the efficiency of the service.
+There should be a waiter for every six people, although at a small
+dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers without much delay.
+
+The invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks ahead. No
+more people should be asked than can be comfortably seated and
+speedily served. Twenty inches at the very least should be allowed to
+each cover. Children are never present at a ceremonious dinner.
+
+In choosing guests every effort should be made to have them congenial,
+with no glaring divergence of opinions, which would by any means make
+any one uncomfortable if the conversation were to become general. In
+seating the guests, only congenial people should be placed side by
+side. The intellectual harmony of a dinner is as important as the
+culinary harmony.
+
+Ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner, and remove them only at table,
+resuming them when dinner is over and the guests have returned to the
+drawing-room.
+
+The dining-room must be quietly but well lighted. There should be no
+glaring lights, but a soft radiance which is so general as to make
+everything clear. An electric light hanging eighteen inches above the
+table, or a tall lamp whose light is at about the same height, either
+of them well shaded, are satisfactory additions to the candlelight.
+
+Sometimes high lights are dispensed with and only candles used.
+Candles should always be lighted three minutes before the dinner is
+announced. For a dinner of not more than eight covers four candles are
+sufficient light.
+
+Relatives are not seated side by side, as the effort is to have a
+general mingling of the company. A clever hostess will see that her
+guests at a small dinner party are all introduced to each other before
+they enter the dining-room.
+
+The table may be round, oval, or rectangular, but if too narrow it
+cannot be made to look well.
+
+The tablecloth is always spread for a dinner. A thick pad of felt or
+double-faced cotton flannel should go under the tablecloth. The damask
+should be immaculate and of good quality. The tablecloth should hang
+almost to the floor at the corners.
+
+At each place there is a card on which the guest's name is written.
+These place cards often have the monogram of the hostess in the center
+and are otherwise blank, except for the name written on.
+
+The place cards at a dinner should be laid immediately before the
+plates of the guests or on the napkins, which are folded squarely, and
+of sufficient size to be of real usefulness.
+
+In setting the table, the spoons for soup, dessert, and coffee are
+arranged at the top of the plate; the knives and forks, the latter of
+several sizes, are placed on either hand, in order of use, and the
+small plate for bread, olives, etc., is on the right.
+
+In eating, the oyster fork is the first used, and then one takes the
+next in order. Should one be in doubt, the rule is to glance at the
+hostess and adopt her method, whatever that may be.
+
+On elegant tables, each cover, or plate, is accompanied by two large
+silver knives, a small silver knife, and fork for fish, a small fork
+for oysters on the half-shell, a large tablespoon for soup, and three
+large forks. The folded napkin is laid in the center, with a piece of
+bread in it. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork.
+
+A half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for each person, unless at a
+country dinner, where a full ladleful may be given without offense.
+
+Individual salts or salt cellars are now placed at each plate, and it
+is not improper to take salt with the tip of the knife in lieu of a
+spoon.
+
+The place plates stand under the oyster or soup plates and under any
+course when it is desirable to have them. Plates must be warmed or
+chilled according to the temperature of the food which is to be served
+in them.
+
+The indispensable courses of a dinner are soup, fish, roast, salad,
+and dessert. In arranging her menu, however, each hostess will suit
+herself to her pocketbook and to what she considers good form in the
+amount and kind of food.
+
+The formal dinner should be served in a very leisurely style.
+
+At the daily family dinner as well as at formal dinners, all the
+ladies of the house and among the guests should be helped before any
+of the men are served, even if some distinguished guest is among the
+latter.
+
+It is not necessary to wait until all are served before beginning to
+eat at a dinner, but wait until the hostess has commenced to eat.
+
+Butter is not served at a formal dinner, and bread is laid in the
+napkin beside the plate.
+
+There should be no urging of guests to eat. It is assumed that a guest
+is not afraid to eat as much as he wants.
+
+When the fruit napkin is brought in, the user takes it from the glass
+plate on which it is laid, and either places it at his right hand, or
+on his knees. The doily beneath the finger bowl is not meant for use,
+but should be laid on the table beside the finger bowl.
+
+After the dinner has been eaten, and dessert is reached, everything is
+cleared off but the tablecloth, which is now never removed. A dessert
+spoon is put before each guest, and a gold or silver spoon, a silver
+dessert spoon and fork, and often a queer little combination of fork
+and spoon called an ice spoon. For the after-dinner coffee a very
+small spoon is used.
+
+Coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the table, or later in the
+drawing-room. Cream is never served with a demi-tasse.
+
+The napkin should be left lying loosely beside the plate after a meal.
+
+In case either a guest or a servant meets with any accident one should
+pass it over with as much speed as possible and turn the attention of
+all immediately toward some interesting matter. A mistake should be
+completely ignored by both hosts and guests.
+
+Whenever a course is offered which you do not enjoy, never decline it,
+but accept it, and endeavor to take a small portion at least of it.
+You avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste of those who like it,
+and put your hostess at ease.
+
+No personal preferences in foods are to be consulted or mentioned
+when one is a guest at dinner. If one cannot accept of the fare
+offered, one should have declined the invitation.
+
+Should a guest be late, the hostess need not wait more than fifteen
+minutes for him, after which time, if he appear, the host rises from
+the table to greet him and cover the interruption of his entrance, but
+the hostess does not leave her place. If he does not come until after
+the second course, he is served only as the others are served, and no
+attempt is made to serve the previous courses to him.
+
+When dinner is ready, the maid or butler appears in the drawing-room
+door, catches the eye of the hostess, and announces quietly that
+dinner is served.
+
+Upon the signal, the host gives his arm to the guest of honor, and
+they lead the way, the lady being seated at the right of her host.
+After them come the other couples as the hostess has planned. Each man
+has found upon the dressing-room table an envelope addressed to him,
+in which is the name of the lady whom he is expected to take out to
+dinner, and also in the corner "R" or "L" to indicate on which side of
+the table he and his lady are to sit.
+
+After all the others have passed out, the hostess brings up the rear
+with the gentleman guest of honor, who will sit at her right.
+
+Evening dress should always be worn. For a lady a gown with low neck
+and short sleeves or elbow sleeves; for a gentleman, a dress coat and
+its accompanying trousers, vest, and tie of regulation cut and color.
+
+Arrival a few minutes before the hour is customary in order for the
+guests to assemble in the drawing-room, greet their host and each
+other, and proceed together to the table.
+
+When the meal is finished, the hostess catches the eye of the guest at
+her husband's right, smiles understandingly, and they immediately
+rise, and, followed by the rest of the ladies, leave the room, the men
+standing meanwhile. The men linger for a half-hour or so over their
+cigars and coffee, or liqueurs, before following the ladies into the
+drawing-room.
+
+In the United States it is more usual for the men and women to leave
+the dining-room together, and the hostess to serve the coffee in the
+drawing-room, than it is for the men to linger by themselves at the
+table.
+
+After a dinner party one should bid good-night to the lady one has
+taken out to the table, to one's host and hostess. It is not good form
+to omit the latter, for she should be assured that you at least have
+enjoyed the evening, and that her effort at hospitality has been
+appreciated by you. It is not necessary to take a formal leave of the
+other guests. If you choose you may wish them a general good-night.
+
+A ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit
+of toast.
+
+Then comes the fruit. It may be melons, peaches, strawberries, or
+grape fruit. It must be in perfection, and should be on ice up to the
+moment of serving, and must tempt the eye as well as the palate.
+
+Next comes the course of oysters or clams on the half-shell, which
+should be served on crushed ice, on oyster plates made with hollows
+for the shells, and picked up with silver forks made for the purpose.
+Or they may be served more daintily without the ice, immediately after
+they have been taken from the cooler, and without delay.
+
+Then a clear soup. It may be served from a silver tureen by the
+hostess, or may be brought in soup plates to the guests by the waiter.
+
+Then fish. This may be served by the host or arranged in a dainty
+mince and served in shells to the separate guests. If served by the
+host, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it.
+
+Throughout the dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar
+relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the
+table when the guests take their seats.
+
+After the fish there can be an entree or two of some delicate dish,
+but the roast properly comes next. It may be turkey, beef, mutton, or
+lamb. The host may carve it if he pleases, and the waiter receive
+portions from him and carry them to the guests. In many houses the
+lady of the house is served first, and next the guest of honor, who is
+the lady at the right of the host. With the roast some vegetables are
+served.
+
+Then comes a salad, and with the salad cheese and crackers are served.
+
+The dessert follows the salad, and black coffee concludes the repast.
+This last may be served at the dining table, or later in the
+drawing-room by the hostess.
+
+The dessert may consist of ices, fruit, pastry, or confections.
+Frequently there is a final course after the sweets, consisting of
+crackers and toasted cheese.
+
+
+_Visits_
+
+It is now considered quite proper for the host or hostess to specify
+the length of time covered by an invitation for a visit. The
+complication of duties in our present-day life makes the assignment of
+even pleasures to definite periods necessary. This is as important as
+the arrangement of trains and methods by which the guest may arrive
+and leave.
+
+The English manner of entertaining is a very excellent one, as it
+gives the guest his freedom and makes his visit of the utmost profit
+to himself and also to his host. The English host sets the time of
+arrival, has his servant meet the guest at the station with
+conveyance, has him met at the house door again by a servant, and
+shown to his room, where he is made at home by being offered some
+light refreshments. He is told at what hour he will be received by his
+host and hostess in the drawing-room, usually a short time before
+dinner. Then throughout his stay he does not see his hostess till
+midday, although she provides amusement for her guests, which he is at
+liberty to enjoy or ignore as he chooses.
+
+After the noon meal he may do as he chooses through the afternoon,
+appearing only at dinner, which is the formal meal of the day, and at
+the general gathering of the family and guests in the evening. The
+various members of the family are ready to show the visitors the
+place, or the countryside, or play their favorite games during the
+day; but there is no effort to make the entertainment formal or to
+force it upon the guest. We do not wish to see even our most honored
+guests or our dearest friends all of the time, and this arrangement
+makes the meeting at dinner all the more enjoyed and valued.
+
+Before inviting guests it is necessary to see to the comfort which is
+represented in the guest chamber. This should be as dainty and
+comfortable as any chamber in the house, and, in addition to the usual
+furnishings, should have other fittings intended to supply all the
+comforts of one's home. A full line of towels, toilet articles, and
+even night robe, bathrobe, and slippers should be ready for the use of
+the guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase do not arrive at
+the expected time.
+
+If the bed is fitted out with finery as well as with all the linen,
+blankets, and comfortables which a well-set-up bed requires, the care
+of the finery, its removal at night and folding up, should not be left
+to the guest. This should be attended to before bedtime by the maid,
+and the bed turned down ready for occupancy.
+
+There should, of course, be vacant bureau drawers and wardrobe. The
+guest, especially if her visit be for a short time, and she has not
+brought her workbox, will much appreciate a small workbasket fitted
+out with needles, thread, thimble, and scissors. A desk fitted with
+stationery, pens, and postage stamps adds much to the comfort of a
+guest chamber, for, no matter how brief the stay, facilities for
+writing to the distant home are needed promptly and constantly.
+
+The guest's comfort should be provided for before her entertainment or
+amusement, and she should be made to feel perfectly at home in her
+room, and her possession of it be absolute for the time of her stay.
+
+It is a compliment to a guest to remember her favorite dishes, or to
+arrange things to suit her known tastes and preferences.
+
+It is the duty of the hostess to give the signal for retiring. This
+should be done with a fine regard for the desires of guests, rather
+than according to one's personal wishes.
+
+
+_Special Duties of the Country Hostess_
+
+The country hostess should make her entertaining distinctive from that
+of the city. Every one should, at times, return to the country, for
+both physical and mental well-being. So when he is there, it is of
+great importance that he get country fare and country life, rather
+than make a fruitless attempt to live in the country as he does in the
+city.
+
+The country hostess should not attempt to entertain unless she can
+depend upon her servants. Her relations with them should be such that
+there is no likelihood of having a houseful of guests and the servants
+thereupon suddenly weary of the quiet of the country, or for any other
+trivial reason promptly departing. The country hostess will, however,
+fit herself to meet any emergency which may arise, both on her own and
+her family's account, as well as on that of her guests.
+
+Therefore, housekeeping and entertaining should be simplified as much
+as possible, and the most unexpected of emergencies should be
+anticipated and provided for, as far as may be. Unless the country
+hostess is herself competent to cook and to tend the fires, she will
+never be safe in the sending out of invitations. For the same reason,
+other members of the family should be trained in helpfulness, so that
+an emergency will simply mean the adoption of emergency tactics
+previously agreed upon and practiced to the point of efficiency.
+
+The country hostess should remember that to her guests the charm and
+novelty of the fresh air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest
+attractions of her home. So she should see to it that guests are left
+untrammeled, to go and wander where they may wish; and also that the
+guest chambers and all other rooms are kept filled with fresh air even
+in the coldest of weather.
+
+Often the change to the invigorating country air makes the guest feel
+colder than the actual temperature of the room warrants. The hostess
+should remember this, and should provide that at all times the
+living-rooms and guest chambers be warmed as well as ventilated. The
+open fireplace is needed in addition to steam or furnace heat in an
+isolated country house.
+
+"Simple things need to be excellent." The hostess should provide
+fresh fruit, chickens, eggs, vegetables, cream, and milk, the products
+of the country, rather than the elaborate dishes of the city.
+
+The hostess should enjoy the country and teach her guests to enjoy it.
+She should know the attractive walks and drives, the places of real
+interest, and she should be able to point out the picturesque spots,
+and the points of vantage for especially fine views, and to make
+others feel the charm of the country.
+
+The hostess should furnish outdoor occupations, should interest her
+guests in making collections of curious plants from the woodlands, and
+in getting acquainted with the trees. There should be some popular
+sports provided even in midwinter, and all the necessities for the
+enjoyment of these should be furnished, as well as a library, games,
+and all sorts of indoor entertainment and pastimes for the possible
+days of storm which shall block all exit from the house.
+
+The serving of meals out of doors, if the season and weather permit,
+is a distinctive feature of country hospitality, and very enjoyable to
+city dwellers. Breakfast and afternoon tea are especially easy to
+serve on the lawn or piazza, but more elaborate meals may be so served
+if there are servants and facilities enough. Simple meals out of doors
+are preferable to more elaborate meals within. In order to do this
+enjoyably or successfully, it is necessary to have the piazza or
+garden somewhat secluded. A hedge, in the absence of other protection
+from the curious, easily makes this possible.
+
+The informality possible in country entertaining is its greatest
+charm. Neighbors should be encouraged to "drop in" at any hour, as the
+monotony of country life may thus be greatly relieved.
+
+The hostess who, in order to meet an emergency, is obliged to do much
+herself, should either simplify her plans of entertainment, so that
+she could carry them through without too great weariness to play her
+part as hostess by being with her guests, or should call upon them to
+assist her, and make it a companionable visit at any rate.
+
+Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor, in which all join
+first in the work and later in the play. One should endeavor to do
+one's part of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good
+comradeship, as well as share in the fun.
+
+One of the most enjoyable resources of the country hostess is the
+picnic. This idea may be varied to suit any circumstances and any
+surroundings. It may take the form of an athletic frolic for the young
+people, or of a reading party in some secluded and shady glen on a
+hot day, if the company be intellectual, or various other forms.
+
+
+_Public Functions_
+
+Men and women of prominence are often called upon to act as special
+hosts and hostesses at public or semipublic functions, such as club
+dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school or college
+graduations, receptions given by the heads of business houses on
+anniversaries or at openings, civil or state receptions, charitable
+social affairs, and the like.
+
+As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such occasions do not vary
+greatly from those of the more private affairs, but usually greater
+formality is observed, and there is less responsibility on the part of
+the public entertainers for the details of the service.
+
+At a club reception and luncheon, the president and chief officers of
+the club, with the guests of the day, stand in line and receive for a
+half-hour or more, in the parlors of the club. When all the guests, or
+the most of them, have assembled, the procession to the dining-room is
+headed by the president with the guest of greatest distinction, who is
+seated at his right. The other officers follow in order of rank, with
+the other guests in order of distinction.
+
+After dinner, when the last course is completed and the debris
+removed, so that the tables present a neat appearance with their
+decorations intact, the president rises and raps for order. Then,
+after a few introductory remarks, he begins the program of the day.
+These programs vary greatly, but usually include after-dinner speeches
+of the light and happy or only semiserious order,--unless the purpose
+for which all are gathered is of serious moment,--music both
+instrumental and vocal, by excellent performers, and the responses to
+the speeches, either by the president or by others of the officers who
+may be called upon for brief and pertinent remarks. A spirit of
+good-will and enthusiasm should characterize such a gathering,
+whatever the object of it.
+
+When one is appointed on the entertainment committee of a club, or of
+a city, or other body of people, for the holding of a congress of any
+sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail for the
+entertainment of guests for a period covering the entire time of their
+stay. Such guests should be met at the depot or boat landing, should
+be given every assistance toward making them acquainted with the
+officers of the congress and club, and with the city, and every detail
+of provision for their comfort should be looked out for. Personal
+social claims upon their time should not be so made as to conflict
+with their real interest in coming, or with the advantages they may
+have sought in the visit, for carrying out their personal plans.
+
+When one is a guest on such an occasion, he should remember that while
+his entertainment may have been official, his obligation for it is
+personal, and that he should personally thank his hosts and, in
+particular, his special host and hostess, as if he had been their only
+guest. No matter how absorbing the business of the congress or
+conference, no matter how strenuous his own official duties, his
+obligation socially is imperative, and must be met.
+
+When one is a member of the graduating class of a school or college,
+or of any small group of people who, as a society, are entertaining,
+one should show the courtesy of host or hostess to every guest. This
+does not mean that one is responsible to every guest, to see that he
+or she is well entertained, but that, aside from his personal
+responsibilities to his own guests, he should be, at all the public
+functions, in the attitude of host to any stranger to whom he may show
+even the slightest hospitality.
+
+As for his own guests, there are one or two points of special courtesy
+because of the nature of the entertainment. If he is inviting young
+women, or even only one, to whom he intends to give his whole, or a
+large part of his time, he must also invite her mother or chaperon.
+This rule is invariable for the high-school boy graduate, for the
+graduate of the men's college, and for the man graduate of a
+co-educational university.
+
+In addition to the usual provision for guests, he must provide for
+their entertainment overnight or during their stay, if they be from
+the distance. He should, in addition, and early in their visit,
+acquaint them with the peculiarities of the local college customs.
+These customs are distinctive with each college, and their etiquette
+should be made clear to one who, though unused to them, is about to
+share them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON
+
+
+THE need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are
+large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and
+unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of
+the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as
+strictly adhered to as that of the cities.
+
+The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking
+oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives
+up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful
+care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter
+cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of
+several mothers.
+
+Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town
+unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much
+for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine
+conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of
+unpleasant experiences.
+
+When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or
+instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an
+attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young
+people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of
+the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no
+fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a
+protection against criticism.
+
+The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a
+daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or
+mother would be present during the whole of the call. For debutante
+daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out
+in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and
+unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the
+call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the
+young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which
+seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise
+father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and
+when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by
+having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that
+they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.
+
+It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party
+or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is
+well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such
+parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should
+be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without
+immediate family and who has been already in society more than one
+season. The duenna who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon,
+ordinarily accompanies her.
+
+It may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are
+of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage,--through loss of
+relatives, financial limitations, or the following of some business
+calling or profession,--and that they are not, in general, treated
+with less respect than the young woman carefully guarded in her home.
+It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for
+herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration
+which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid
+of a careful observance of conventions.
+
+Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself
+somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially
+with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going
+unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if
+at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She
+may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home,"
+provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present,
+she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening,
+but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea,
+coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.
+
+In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and
+ever-present personage. Wherever the young debutante goes in
+society,--to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the
+park, when shopping or calling,--and during her calling hours at home,
+the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant.
+
+The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country
+villages differs in degree of attendance. The only wise rule is to
+follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be,
+remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is
+wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason
+for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the
+letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows
+that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the
+quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and
+the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's
+chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of
+one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule,
+however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this
+connection is better than too lax.
+
+The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters
+to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended
+by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young
+people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his
+children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a
+magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and
+a safeguard against that group folly towards which the
+irresponsibility of youth tends.
+
+Until a girl makes her debut in society, she is not seen at a party of
+adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment
+unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening.
+
+Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the
+attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to
+any place of public amusement.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF THE MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT
+
+
+IT is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult
+with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his
+proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in
+America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has
+not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the
+father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's
+friendship; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the
+choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young
+man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his
+fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have
+used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable
+impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a
+crisis.
+
+
+_The Proposal_
+
+In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the
+trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important.
+
+One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel
+and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the
+rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to
+do.
+
+No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of
+marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not
+decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are
+times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome
+proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very
+considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her
+appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time
+leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already
+engaged, she should tell him so.
+
+If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency
+of response is determined by the importance to the sender.
+
+The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to
+think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely
+rude, and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of
+confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has
+refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the
+letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal
+representatives, to be acted on as they think best.
+
+The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and
+woman, having passed through this experience together, can fail to
+have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each
+other's character.
+
+In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the
+young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real
+declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected
+before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a
+thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself.
+So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter,
+there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation
+on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really
+well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character
+permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when
+she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his
+advances.
+
+The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It
+concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things
+of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of
+high ideals.
+
+When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is
+not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize
+each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it
+that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should
+be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if
+there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an
+absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its
+own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future
+when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and,
+because it is essential for those who are to marry to become
+thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people,
+for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does
+not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at
+times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves.
+
+The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband,
+and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly
+exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad
+world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she
+should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged
+girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of
+amusement or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so
+carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the
+slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men
+whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the
+man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty,
+or of making others feel that she has no interest in them.
+
+As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally
+meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or
+sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them
+embarrassed. They should not spend too much time with each other.
+Their hostess will send them out to dinner together,--which is in
+marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then
+they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should
+be careful not to permit her fiance to take her away in a corner from
+other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social
+duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote
+himself to one.
+
+The task of meeting each other's friends, after the engagement is
+announced, is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable, and
+should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense
+of critical scrutiny. The great ordeal of winning each other is
+decided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of establishing
+friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object
+of dread. Real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent
+roughnesses smooth.
+
+An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event
+which they may both grace with their presence. The common human
+interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent interest of the
+married, tend to focus all eyes upon them. For this reason they will
+try and be as little conspicuous as may be.
+
+
+_Announcement of Engagement_
+
+The announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways, but
+always first by the family of the young woman. If a public newspaper
+announcement is desired, a notice similar to the following, signed
+with a name and address, must be sent to the society editor of the
+local paper or papers:
+
+"Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce the engagement of their daughter
+Ethel to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date of the wedding
+has not been fixed, but it will probably take place soon after
+Easter."
+
+Or it may read: "Miss Ethel Abbott announces her engagement to Mr.
+Hayden B. Bradley," etc.
+
+If a less public announcement is desired, the young couple may each
+write personal notes to their friends. In these notes one or two
+afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be
+"At Home." This gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of
+the young man to meet his fiancee.
+
+The entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea, in which she and
+her mother receive, the former wearing a pretty but not too
+rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches, cakes, and
+tea should be served.
+
+If an engagement is to be for long, it would be well to have the
+announcement of it as quiet as possible, or not to announce it until
+the time for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the young people
+not to be seen very much together until its final stages.
+
+Immediately upon the announcement of an engagement, the mother of the
+man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother, and
+invite them, or the entire family, to dinner.
+
+The family of the young man should be the first to make advances. The
+other members of the young man's family should call upon the young
+woman promptly, even if they have never met her before, or, if calling
+is impossible, they should write and express their approval and good
+wishes. According to the position of the family, should the
+elaborateness of entertainment be. It is a nice custom, when the young
+lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fiance,
+for them to invite her to come and visit them.
+
+The calls of his family upon her, and their letters to her, should be
+very promptly returned or answered.
+
+If the young woman live in the country, her father will invite the
+young man for a visit.
+
+
+_Bridal "Showers"_
+
+The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a
+wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from
+one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often
+now the guest of honor at one or more parties called "showers," and
+the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her.
+There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and
+financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one
+bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is
+well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it
+that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so
+invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make
+several gifts to her friend.
+
+These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions
+of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing
+the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified
+by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.
+
+Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower"
+duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which
+will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or
+especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually
+given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up
+the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a
+kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the
+way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the
+recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with
+semidesirable gifts.
+
+The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost
+exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few
+of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the
+evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The
+refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The
+invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally,
+or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss
+Hanley on Wednesday at four."
+
+There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only
+rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such
+objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice
+of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for
+instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china,
+silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one
+room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a
+"shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted
+and nothing else for use in these places.
+
+
+_The Broken Engagement_
+
+When an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the
+young man all letters and presents, and may ask, by a brief,
+courteous, but dignified, note, for the return of her letters to him.
+It would not be necessary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the
+man would take the sending back of his gifts as final, and to mean the
+return of hers also.
+
+In case the wedding is near, so that wedding presents have been
+received from friends, the no longer "bride-elect" should return them
+to the givers with an explanatory note. The note should mention
+nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken.
+
+The mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of
+the engagement. She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes to
+friends. In case of a broken engagement, it is not delicate to allude
+to it, unless one is a very intimate friend, and then it is better to
+leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned.
+
+It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of
+terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than
+her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily,
+without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for
+faithfulness and integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation,
+even privately, as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement,
+as the release must at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever
+she chooses to say, or however unjust the remarks of friends seem, he
+is in honor bound to show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow
+upon her reputation, even if his own suffers instead.
+
+However, in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement
+has been broken mutually, even though no reason is obvious. This
+should be so, for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a
+marriage engagement, marriages will be entered into the almost
+certain outcome of which is the divorce court.
+
+A lady should never accept any but trivial gifts, such as flowers, a
+book, a piece of music, or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman
+who is not related to her. Even a marriage engagement does not make
+the acceptance of costly gifts wise.
+
+
+_Preparation for a Wedding_
+
+The preparation which the bridegroom makes for the new home, is, of
+course, by far the larger share of its establishment. He provides the
+home, furnishes it with everything but the linen, which the bride will
+bring, and the ornamental decorations, including silver for the table,
+which the wedding guests may, in these days of lavish presents, be
+expected to furnish.
+
+Even if he does not choose to set up a house-home at once, the
+provision for the future is all his, and he has to bring to the
+wedding the wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in household
+furniture or only the certificates of wealth with which to provide for
+the bride. This is a matter of pride with even the poorest
+lover,--with all save that small class of men who, either from the
+most worldly of motives or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives
+so high that they will not permit personal pride to stand in the way
+of the real union of hearts, submit to the indignity of becoming
+pensioners rather than donors.
+
+Whatever the custom for the division of responsibility in regard to
+the home and the future, in actual life, in every true home
+responsibility is equal, and convenience alone decrees what the bride
+and the bridegroom shall each contribute to the common hoard.
+
+The bridegroom also provides a part of the wedding, and although his
+share is minimized, yet it is often a costly and important part. He
+should provide the flowers which the bride and her attendants carry.
+The bride usually chooses her flowers, which are ordinarily white
+roses, lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of her favorite
+kind.
+
+Besides providing the wedding ring, the bridegroom usually presents to
+the bride some gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he has bought
+and furnished for her. Or it may be jewelry, or anything else that she
+desires and that he may have it in his power to bestow. The bride
+makes him no special gift other than her hand, as that is her supreme
+gift.
+
+The personal provision of the bridegroom sometimes consists of a new
+wardrobe throughout, besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he will
+wear his new suits somewhat before he appears in them as newly
+married. His wedding suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to
+be married in the evening, complete with white gloves and tie, and
+boutonniere of the same flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in
+the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock, he will wear a frock
+coat of black, white vest, gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In
+case the wedding is in the evening and the bride is to wear her
+traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the bridegroom may wear the same
+suit as for an afternoon wedding, if he chooses.
+
+The custom of having a new wardrobe throughout is not necessarily
+followed, of course. It is through the bridegroom's consideration for
+the bride, and his appreciation of the housewifely duties which she
+undertakes on his behalf, that he makes those as small as possible at
+first, knowing that the years will bring her her full share.
+
+The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter of special moment,
+because it is for the last time that she is outfitted by her father.
+Therefore, he wishes to give her all that she needs for some time to
+come, that she may grow used to reliance upon her husband before he
+has to undertake the burden of her personal expenses in the matter of
+clothes.
+
+The outlay, however, is limited in quantity to the probable needs of
+the first season of married life, if the bride is wise, as there is no
+wisdom in having more garments than can be worn to advantage before
+the style changes.
+
+No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her
+future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only
+circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual
+outlay,--beyond the fact that she needs more and special garments for
+the different social occasions, and has a pride in having them as nice
+as possible,--are those in which she marries a man of much higher
+social station and much larger income than her own. In that case it
+may be well for her to put some of her savings for the future into the
+gowns which she knows will be necessary for her in her new station.
+
+The special gowns necessary for a bride are: Her wedding gown,--which
+is of pure white if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate
+color if a widow,--the wedding veil, the traveling suit, a reception
+gown, a church suit, a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain
+street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper, and a new outfitting of
+underclothing, in number and quality to suit her usual custom, or as
+nice as she can afford.
+
+For the bride whose purse is not overfull the number of gowns and
+suits can be materially diminished; the wedding gown, with some slight
+changes, such as the removal of the high collar and long sleeves, can
+be used as an evening dress; the traveling, church, and visiting suit
+may be one and the same; the house dresses may be reduced to a minimum
+by frequent washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate wardrobe
+with which to begin married life should not be a barrier to a marriage
+which in every other respect appears to be auspicious.
+
+The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of linen which she
+provides for her new home, should consist of approximately the
+following:
+
+For every bed three pairs of sheets, three pairs of pillow cases,
+three bolster cases, one or two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes,
+and an extra quilt.
+
+For her bedrooms she should provide table, stand, and bureau covers,
+as the style of the furniture may suggest, and also such covers for
+couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife would desire for the
+sake of cleanliness.
+
+For the bath-room there should be three dozen towels, a half-dozen
+bath towels. Towels for the maid should also be included.
+
+For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two dozen napkins for common
+use, with two finer tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special
+occasions, make ample provision for the average home. There should be
+doilies and tray cloths, covers for the sideboard, also mats and
+centerpieces for the table.
+
+For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for dishes, hand towels,
+cleaning cloths, holders, and every necessary sort of towel in
+abundance. With the increasing use of the paper towel, much of this
+provision for bath-room and kitchen may be dispensed with, as the
+paper towel is much neater and more economical.
+
+The wedding gown, which is of white satin or silk, and usually as rich
+and elegant as the bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck
+and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they are supplemented by
+long gloves, which are not removed even at the wedding breakfast. The
+custom is to wear white exclusively from veil to shoes. Whether or not
+the veil is worn, a hat is never provided for this gown.
+
+It is customary, in case a bride is married in her traveling suit, for
+her to wear the hat and gloves which go with it. At a home wedding,
+however, this rule is not usually adhered to, unless the couple leave
+at once.
+
+The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn only at the first
+marriage of a woman, and usually only with a gown made with a train.
+
+The bridegroom should acquaint himself with the rules and regulations
+in regard to the marriage license some weeks ahead of the date set for
+the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary in different states, and
+in some a period of residence or notification is necessary.
+
+A marriage certificate, furnishing easily available knowledge of the
+legality of the marriage and its date, is often of great convenience
+in the disposition of property, the probating of wills, and in the
+settlement of numerous questions which might arise in minor matters.
+This should be provided before the ceremony, filled out and signed
+immediately after it by the officiating clergyman, and signed by
+several witnesses.
+
+The wedding ring is, by long established custom, a plain gold band. It
+should be of the best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be
+moderately narrow and thin rather than wide and thick. The ring, the
+unbroken circle, is symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it into
+the keeping of the best man, whose duty it is to hand it promptly to
+him at the proper moment of the ceremony. The initials and date are
+engraved upon the inner surface of the ring. When wider rings were
+worn some appropriate sentiment was also often engraved.
+
+Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her pride to see that it is
+never removed. As Mrs. Sangster feelings says, "It is a badge of
+honor, and, worn on any woman's hand, a symbol of her right to belong
+to the ranks of worthy matrons."
+
+It is well to rehearse the movements of the bridal procession within a
+day or two of the ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the conduct
+of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism. If it is to be a church
+wedding, more than one rehearsal may be required. In that case the
+organist should be present, as well as every member of the bridal
+party, except the clergyman. The opening of the church for such
+rehearsal is included in the fee which the sexton receives, which
+ranges from ten to fifty dollars.
+
+Usually refreshments, in the form of either a dinner or supper, follow
+the rehearsal, the bride entertaining at her home.
+
+If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any other service in which
+the bride and bridegroom kneel, cushions for their use should be
+provided. These are usually covered in white satin, with outer covers
+of very sheer lawn upon which the initials may be worked.
+
+The floral decorations of the church or home should be subordinated to
+the main interest; that is, they should not be too elaborate, take up
+too much room, or do other than furnish a fitting background for the
+bridal couple. The decorations usually follow some definite color
+scheme, although simply the white flowers with green foliage are
+appropriate and symbolic for a church wedding. A few palms, simple
+bouquets of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully, with foliage to
+contrast and fill the corners, will decorate an altar or make a
+pleasant bower. When costliness rather than beauty is the effect of
+flowers, the display is vulgar.
+
+An awning should be stretched from the house or church door to the
+sidewalk, so that the guests and bridal party may not be subjected to
+the gaze of curious passers-by as they leave the carriages. An
+attendant should be stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of the
+carriages, and to give to the coachmen and guests numbers by which
+their carriages may be speedily called.
+
+While the provision of the carriages belongs with all other things to
+the bride's family, the carriages for the bridegroom and his family
+are provided by them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+THE CONDUCT OF A WEDDING
+
+
+IN cities at present the most fashionable hour for the ceremony is
+"high noon," following the English custom, and in remembrance of the
+long-standing tradition which placed the wedding early in the day,
+before the night's fast had been broken.
+
+The afternoon is a suitable time, as it enables friends to gather more
+conveniently from the distance, and as the reception with refreshments
+is much more easily arranged for than is a breakfast. For an afternoon
+wedding, three o'clock is the proper hour in the winter, four o'clock
+in the summer.
+
+The evening was at one period the fashionable time, and it still
+retains its popularity and long will among the middle class of people
+and in the country, because a larger gathering of friends can be
+expected at that time, as all are free from business and household
+cares.
+
+
+_The Church Wedding_
+
+For the church wedding special arrangements must be made for the
+seating of the guests. A certain number of pews in the center front
+of the church are reserved for the families and intimate friends of
+the bride and bridegroom. The reservation is indicated by a broad
+white ribbon barrier across the aisle, or a garland of flowers. The
+family of the bride is seated on one side of the aisle, and that of
+the bridegroom on the other.
+
+The ushers should be at the church at least a half-hour before the
+guests begin to arrive. They wear small buttonhole bouquets of flowers
+like those used in the decorations of the church, which are sent them
+there by the florist.
+
+In seating the guests they should take great care to seat in the
+reserved space only those whose names are on the list given them as
+belonging there. Therefore, they ask the name of each guest whom they
+do not know before assigning him his seat. Sometimes, however, each of
+these special guests is provided with a card which he gives to the
+usher.
+
+When a gentleman and lady enter the church together, the usher offers
+his right arm to the lady, and the gentleman follows them as they
+proceed down the aisle. When several ladies arrive together, the usher
+offers his arm to the eldest, and requests the others to follow as he
+conducts her to her seat.
+
+Each usher asks of each guest whether he is friend of the bride or
+bridegroom, and seats him accordingly, upon the left of the church if
+a friend of the bride, upon the right if a friend of the groom. In
+case the bridegroom is from the distance, and therefore there are few
+of his friends present, this custom is not followed.
+
+Immediately before the bridal party appears, the mother of the bride
+is escorted by the head usher to a seat in the front pew. Any sisters
+or brothers of the bride who may not be in the bridal procession enter
+with their mother.
+
+Meanwhile the bridal party has been gathering, the bridesmaids going
+to the home of the bride and there receiving from her their bouquets,
+which are the gift of the bridegroom. Thence they take carriages to
+the church, where they all arrive at the hour set for the ceremony.
+When the first carriage arrives, containing two of the
+bridesmaids,--as the carriage of the bride and her father is the
+last,--the head usher closes the inner vestibule door, and the other
+ushers see that all entrance at side doors is barred. When the bride
+arrives the outer street doors are closed, and the procession forms.
+Two of the ushers have already carried the broad white ribbon down the
+sides of the main aisle, thus shutting in the pews, and have taken
+down the ribbon barrier across it.
+
+The bridegroom and his best man have come in a carriage by themselves
+and entered the church by the vestry door. They and the clergyman
+await the notice of the bride's arrival.
+
+The organist, who has been playing appropriate selections while the
+guests were assembling, begins on the wedding march as the doors to
+the church are thrown open in signal that all is in readiness. The
+audience rises. The clergyman takes his place, and the bridgegroom and
+best man enter, the former standing at the clergyman's left, the
+latter just behind the bridegroom, who is facing the aisle down which
+the bride will come.
+
+First come the ushers, two and two, keeping pace with the time of the
+music, which is a stately, dignified march. The bridesmaids follow,
+also two and two, with about six feet of space between each couple.
+The maid of honor alone, or the maid and matron of honor together,
+then come. The flower girl, or flower children follow, scattering
+flowers from a basket hung upon the left arm.
+
+Then come the bride and her father, or nearest male relative, she with
+downcast eyes and leaning upon his right arm.
+
+The procession divides as it reaches a spot opposite the place where
+the bride and bridegroom are to stand, or, in an Episcopal church, the
+top of the chancel steps; half go to the right and half to the left.
+The bridesmaids stand between the ushers, all being grouped in a
+semicircle. The maid of honor stands at the left, in front of the
+bridesmaids and near the bride.
+
+The bridegroom advances to meet the bride, who leaves her father and
+takes the bridegroom's hand, then accepts his left arm and is escorted
+by him to a position in front of the clergyman. The couple kneel for a
+moment before the ceremony begins.
+
+At the place in the ceremony where the question is asked, "Who giveth
+this woman to be married to this man?" the father, who has been
+standing a few feet back, advances and places the bride's right hand
+in that of the clergyman, who places it in the right hand of the
+bridegroom. The father then takes his seat in the front pew with his
+wife, whom, as they leave the church, he escorts.
+
+Should a widowed mother be the only one to respond to this inquiry,
+she simply rises from her seat and bows. In such a case the bridegroom
+usually enters with the bride, and the procession is less elaborate.
+
+When the troth is being plighted and the ring is about to be given,
+the best man hands it to the bridegroom, who passes it to the bride.
+She hands it to the clergyman, who returns it to the bridegroom. Then
+the latter places it upon the third finger of the bride's left hand.
+The significance of the passing of the ring is that it completes a
+circle, the symbol of eternity, of which the clergyman is one, thus
+symbolizing the sanction of the church.
+
+After the ceremony the clergyman congratulates the newly wedded
+couple, and the bride takes the right arm of her husband, walking thus
+down the aisle, the bridal party following in reverse order, the
+ushers therefore last. Even at a stately church ceremonial it has been
+known for the bride to stop and kiss her mother before passing down
+the aisle.
+
+The duties of the maid of honor during the service are to take from
+the bride her glove and bouquet as the clergyman asks the bride and
+bridegroom to join hands. Then it is her care to remove the veil from
+before the face of the bride when the ceremony is over, and to turn
+the train of her gown that it may fall rightly as she passes up the
+aisle.
+
+Occasionally when there are two main aisles to the church, the bridal
+procession enters on the one amid the friends of the bride, and
+returns on that amid the friends of the groom, to signify that the
+bride has now become one of them.
+
+The best man follows the clergyman to the vestry, hands him the fee,
+if the groom had not before done so, and passes down the side aisle to
+signal for the bridal carriage, and to give the bridegroom his hat and
+coat. He then goes to the bride's house, where he assists the ushers
+in introducing the guests to the pair.
+
+The organist starts up a very joyous march at the conclusion of the
+ceremony, and continues playing while the guests are dispersing.
+
+Following the bridal procession the families and intimate friends of
+the couple pass out before the audience, as the ribbon barriers which
+reserve the aisle are not taken down until all have passed out. If the
+reception is at the home, this gives the bridal party time to enter
+the carriages; if the reception is in the church parlors, it gives
+time for them to take their places in the receiving line.
+
+At the bride's home there is now time, before the guests arrive, for
+all of the bridal party to congratulate and felicitate the bride and
+bridegroom, and also to sign after them the register of the marriage,
+which is in the care of the best man. This is usually in the form of a
+book bound in white, with the initials of the bride and bridegroom
+embossed upon it, and opportunity is usually given for the wedding
+guests to add their signatures also.
+
+The bride's mother, who is the real hostess of the occasion, stands
+near the entrance of the room in which the reception is held. In a
+receiving line at the head of the room stand the bride and bridegroom
+with half of the bridesmaids ranged on the bride's right and the
+other half on the groom's left. The parents of the groom stand near
+and the father of the bride with them or with his wife, as host. The
+ushers present the guests to the bride and bridegroom, and then to
+their parents, as guests of honor. A few words of congratulation to
+the bridegroom and of best wishes to the bride are all that the few
+moments possible for each guest permit. The bride offers her hand to
+each guest, and presents to her husband her friends, as he does his to
+her.
+
+
+_The Home Wedding_
+
+The home wedding may be made in every way quite as ideal as the church
+wedding, and is much more simple, its privacy appealing to many. The
+house will be decorated with flowers in good taste and not too great
+profusion. Usually a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage is erected
+at the head of the drawing-room. This should not be too massive, as
+only a special grouping of the flowers is preferable to an arrangement
+which is too crowded or shaded.
+
+As the guests arrive the mother and sisters of the bride receive them.
+The father of the bride does not appear, nor, of course, does the
+bride, until they enter together. A room is placed at the disposal of
+the bridegroom, the best man, and the clergyman.
+
+At the stroke of the hour appointed, the clergyman enters and takes
+his stand facing the company. The bridegroom and best man also enter
+and stand at the left of the clergyman, the best man somewhat behind.
+As in a church wedding, the broad white ribbon is used to mark the
+aisle. If bouquets are attached to the ends of it, they will hold it
+in place.
+
+Then from the farthest corner of the room enters the bridal
+procession, formed as for a church wedding.
+
+At a simple house wedding there are often no attendants, the bride and
+bridegroom entering the room together, the bride's father having taken
+his position near at hand, where he can readily respond at the right
+moment.
+
+Another way of forming the procession, which has all the advantages of
+the more elaborate one, is for the best man to follow the ushers, then
+the one bridesmaid to enter immediately preceding the bride and
+bridegroom.
+
+Music is often dispensed with at a home wedding.
+
+When the ceremony is over the clergyman congratulates the couple and
+withdraws, and they, turning, face their friends, who then come to
+wish them happiness.
+
+Whether the wedding take place in the home or at the church, the
+bridal pageant has only one object in view,--it is wholly for the
+sake of the bridegroom. Every woman desires to come to her husband in
+all the glory of her womanhood and of her social position. By all
+custom the bridegroom does not see his bride upon the wedding day
+until she approaches him as he stands at the altar. So, with her
+family doing her the utmost honor that they can, she comes to him,
+bringing all that she has and is, and placing herself and her future
+in his care. The coming is just as real, however, though the utmost
+simplicity prevail.
+
+Back of all the minute detail of wedding custom there is a symbolism.
+With the constant elevation of the standards of marriage, this
+symbolism and these customs grow purer and more in accord with the
+ideals. Just as it is always taken for granted that a marriage
+ceremony is uniting loving hearts, so little by little all that is at
+variance with that thought will drop away, as have already several
+minor details, and new forms and customs more in harmony with the new
+ideals take the place of the old. These changes, however, come very
+gradually, and should not be hastened, but should only keep pace with
+the new conceptions. Nevertheless, there should not be too tenacious a
+clinging to the old forms, which expressed lower conceptions, when the
+masterly thought of the day is forging out higher and purer ideals of
+marriage.
+
+
+_The Wedding Breakfast_
+
+The wedding breakfast is the name given to the refreshments which
+follow the noon wedding. It is usually given when there are but few
+relatives and intimate friends, because it is an expensive feast if
+large numbers are invited. It is really a dinner, served in courses,
+at numerous small tables, each with a complete dinner service. One
+large table, placed in the center of the room or elsewhere
+conspicuously, is reserved for the bridal party.
+
+The menu usually consists of "fruit, raw oysters, bouillon, fish or
+lobster in some fancy form, an entree, birds and salad, ices, cakes,
+bonbons, and coffee," according to one recognized authority. Or it may
+be much simpler, and include only oysters or bouillon, sandwiches and
+salad, ices, cakes, and coffee.
+
+Usually some punch is served in which to pledge the bride and
+bridegroom. If wine is used, champagne is customary for weddings.
+
+The caterer usually supplies all the necessities for the wedding
+feast, even to china, linen, silver, candelabra, and flowers, should
+the bride's parents so wish.
+
+At the wedding reception, after the congratulations and greetings are
+over, and the breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead
+the way to the dining-room. Then comes the bride's father with the
+groom's mother. The bridegroom's father follows with some member of
+the bride's family, then come the best man and the maid of honor. The
+ushers and bridesmaids pair off, and other members of the bridal party
+or of the two families follow in pairs. Lastly, as hostess of the
+occasion, comes the bride's mother, with the officiating clergyman, or
+the senior and highest in rank of the clergymen, if there be more than
+one, as guest of honor.
+
+The rest of the guests, who are not seated at the bridal table, find
+their seats as they choose, with friends, no place cards being used.
+
+For an afternoon or evening reception the refreshments are served as
+for any reception. A large table in the dining-room is decorated with
+flowers and piled with the edibles, which are served by the waiters to
+the guests as they enter. The variety of food depends wholly upon the
+resources of the bride's parents and the size and elaborateness of the
+wedding. Many prefer a simple repast as the hour is unusual for a
+meal, and a dinner is not to be served.
+
+When the bride and bridegroom enter and are served, the best man
+proposes a toast to their health and happiness, and all present stand,
+glass in hand, and pledge them.
+
+At a wedding breakfast the English custom is to have toasts and
+speeches, but it is not followed largely in this country. Where it is,
+usually at a small wedding party, the father of the bridegroom or the
+best man proposes the health of the bride and bridegroom. The father
+of the bride responds. Sometimes the bridegroom is called on to
+respond to this toast, which he does, proposing in turn the health of
+the bridesmaids. To this the best man responds.
+
+The wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake, which is at its best only
+when made months in advance and kept in a stone crock well covered.
+This is finely frosted and ornamented.
+
+At the close of the wedding breakfast the wedding cake is set before
+the bride, who cuts the first slice from it. It is then passed to the
+others.
+
+At a large wedding, where no breakfast is served, the wedding cake is
+usually cut into small pieces and placed in white boxes, which are
+decorated with the initials of the bride and bridegroom and are tied
+with white ribbon. These are placed upon a table in the hall near the
+door and the guests either each take one as he leaves, or one is
+handed him by a servant.
+
+Sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put away in a tin box and
+sealed, to be opened by the couple on some future anniversary.
+
+The wedding cake is distinct from the bride's cake, which may be
+served by the latter at a dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more
+before the wedding, and in which a thimble, a coin, and a ring are
+hidden. The superstition is that the young women who by chance receive
+the slices containing these are respectively destined for a future of
+single blessedness, wealth, or domestic bliss.
+
+At a reception the larger number of the guests depart before the
+bridal couple go to the dining-room. As soon as refreshments are
+served them, and the toast to them has been drunk, they retire to don
+suits for traveling. The bridegroom waits for the bride at the foot of
+the staircase, and the bridesmaids gather there too, as when she
+comes, she throws her bridal bouquet among them, and the bridesmaid
+who catches it will be the next bride, according to an old
+superstition.
+
+As the outer door is opened to let the couple out, all the friends and
+relatives present throw flowers or confetti or rice after them, for
+good luck, and an old white slipper is thrown after the carriage as
+they drive off. The custom of thus showering the departing couple has
+been sometimes carried to such an extreme that many refrain from it.
+Rice is somewhat dangerous, and confetti is so distinctive as
+frequently to cause embarrassment when in a public train or station.
+Flowers may appropriately be used, and are always at hand in the
+decorations of the home.
+
+
+_The Wedding Journey_
+
+The wedding journey is the bride and bridegroom's affair, and the
+knowledge of it is kept their secret and divulged only to the best
+man, who probably helps arrange for it, and to the father and mother
+of the bride, and they all are silent about it. The intrusion of even
+intimate friends upon such a trip is not considered good form.
+
+The custom of taking a journey at this time is not so rigidly observed
+as it used to be, many young couples preferring to go direct to their
+new home, or to a quiet country house for the honeymoon.
+
+The real wishes of the couple should be followed out at this time,
+because they are now more free from social obligations than they will
+be later, and a wise start upon married life is of all things most
+desirable and necessary.
+
+
+_Wedding Fee_
+
+The fee should be placed in an envelope or purse, and given to the
+clergyman by the best man or some friend of the bridegroom, just
+before or just after the ceremony, as may be most convenient. It is
+sometimes handed to the clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of
+the ceremony and before the couple turn away from the altar. It should
+be always given quietly, privately, and with no display or comment.
+
+The clergyman does not examine the fee or comment upon it, other than
+indicating his acceptance.
+
+The size of the fee is a matter of individual taste. Because it is
+unostentatiously given, its size is known only to the bridegroom and
+the clergyman, and to none others unless they wish to tell. There are
+some people in fashionable circles who employ a minister only at
+marriages and funerals, and who labor under the impression that they
+are objects of charity and that by them even the small favor is always
+thankfully received. No one thing so denotes the degree of real
+refinement in a man as the fee he offers the clergyman for marrying
+him. The clergyman is one of the three principals in the marriage
+ceremony. The great majority of brides desire that their marriage
+should have the sanction and benediction of the religious body with
+which they worship, or which has standing in their community and among
+their people. At the very least, in the civil marriage, without a
+third party to represent either church or state a marriage ceremony
+and therefore a legalized marriage is impossible. The third principal
+is therefore an important part of the affair. To treat him shabbily in
+any way denotes no real appreciation of his presence. So it is that
+the true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome fee to him, if his
+means permit it, as he is to give to his bride something which shall
+delight and please her, and which shall symbolize his appreciation of
+the gift of herself. The bridegroom's offering to the clergyman is
+indeed the touchstone of his refinement. Wedding fees vary from five
+to a thousand dollars, the usual amount being twenty-five dollars for
+the fairly affluent.
+
+
+_Wedding Presents_
+
+So extreme has become the custom of sending wedding presents that it
+is perhaps necessary to remind those who really desire to do the
+correct thing, that a perfunctory service, or gift, or courtesy has no
+intrinsic value, and the omission of it would often be far more
+satisfactory than its bestowal.
+
+The usual form of wedding gift is something of use and ornament for
+the new house. Silver, linen, cut glass, or china for the dining-room,
+furniture, rugs, lamps, clocks, vases, books, and pictures, or
+bric-a-brac for the rest of the house, are all appropriate.
+
+If silver is given, it should not be marked, as the bride may have
+duplicates and prefer to exchange some pieces for others, or as she
+may have a special form of engraving which she prefers. The exchange
+of a gift, however, removes from it the personal thought of the giver,
+and makes its acceptance more a matter of mercenary than of friendly
+interest. If, however, such exchange is made at the suggestion or with
+the approval of the giver, it still remains a personal gift. The
+indefinite way in which many people choose wedding gifts for their
+friends, following only the conventional ideas of what is suitable,
+has taken a great deal of personal interest from the gift at the very
+first.
+
+The wedding gift should be a real gift in spirit, something expressive
+of the giver's good wishes, and something which the bride and
+bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its worth to them. Foolish
+things, whether expensive or not, have no real utility or beauty, and
+have always the atmosphere of insult about them, or else always
+reflect upon the intelligence of the giver.
+
+A bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon as they are received, and
+before her wedding day if possible. Spontaneous rather than
+stereotyped notes of thanks are preferable. They should show
+appreciation of the gift, and include the name of the bridegroom-elect
+in her expression of their gratitude. A bride should remember that
+too elaborate notes, which are a grave tax on her strength or time in
+the busy days preceding a wedding, are unwise, as is any other
+unnecessary expenditure of energy.
+
+It is never obligatory to send a wedding present. The wedding
+announcement and wedding invitation are equally suggestive of such
+gifts, for in either case, whether one is invited to the ceremony or
+not, one is perfectly free to do as he pleases about conferring a
+gift.
+
+
+_The Country Wedding_
+
+There is an especial attractiveness and simplicity about the out-door
+wedding in the country, for those who desire to get rid of the
+conventional and artificial. Such a wedding is, of course, a day
+wedding. The late afternoon might be chosen, but the twilight never.
+The weather must be warm.
+
+A secluded corner in the garden, the shade of some stately tree on the
+lawn, or the flowery seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive
+chancels for the ceremony.
+
+The grass should be cut close, and all leaves and debris swept away.
+
+Somewhat removed from the place of the ceremony, but still on the lawn
+or piazza, small tables and chairs may be placed in groups, and
+refreshments served out of doors also.
+
+The simplicity and homelike yet solemn atmosphere of a wedding in a
+country church appeal to many. There much of the formality of a city
+church wedding may be dispensed with, and yet the whole of the
+religious spirit, which should attend a church wedding, and indeed any
+wedding, be retained. The country church lends itself more aptly to
+those private weddings where the bridal party, whether small or large,
+are the only spectators, than does the large city church. The sense of
+exclusiveness is preserved without the great sense of bareness and
+emptiness.
+
+To many the private church wedding appeals with great force. The
+religious and sacramental nature of the ceremony is emphasized,
+without the pomp and display of the public service. Such a wedding
+usually takes place in the daytime rather than in the evening.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN
+
+
+ONE may be taught self-restraint and unselfish consideration for
+others at so early an age that such virtues become habitual, and minor
+maxims are to a large extent unnecessary. Of course, the child will
+still have to be shown the various ways in which he can show
+consideration, but he will quite frequently do of himself those acts
+which make for the comfort and well-being of others.
+
+Habits of deference to elders spring from more complex motives, and
+the training in them may have to be more persistent and rigorous. Boys
+should be taught to take off their caps to their elders, both in the
+family and in the circle of friends, when they meet them on the
+street. They should rise when ladies enter the room, and remain
+standing until all are seated.
+
+An important part in a child's bringing up is to teach him to put away
+his own garments and to clear up after his play or work. If this is
+instilled early into the child, there will never be any need of the
+pain of counteracting slovenliness, and also never any of that
+disagreeable haughtiness toward servants, which is fostered by nothing
+so much as by the inch-by-inch waiting upon a child.
+
+The child who has been made a companion of, and not repressed or
+driven away by the older people of the family, has a sort of
+instinctive respect for them, which, though it may overstep itself in
+some daring familiarity occasionally, is the basis of a strong
+authority over him. The child who has been spied on, and whose idea of
+all adults is that they are a sort of modified policemen, will show
+respect only under compulsion, and will fail in all those fine
+courtesies which the thoroughly well-bred child grows to delight in.
+
+Self-control and self-repression are equal virtues to be cultivated in
+the child. To permit the child to be indifferent and inattentive when
+one is trying to amuse or entertain, to be impatient to get at the end
+of a story or a game, to keep yawning; or making other expressions of
+weariness when being reproved or reprimanded, cultivates in the child
+a mental laziness which is as bad as its opposite,--parrot-like
+facility for chattering and asking questions, which gives a child no
+chance to think, and makes him develop into a man of only surface
+intelligence and thoughtless flippancy. Even a child can appreciate,
+if rightly taught, the motive back of a kind action, and can respect
+that even if the action does not interest him.
+
+On the other hand, it is a serious matter to allow a child to be
+constantly bored with lectures on his conduct, or even with efforts to
+amuse him. He should be let alone, thrown upon his own resources, and
+not permitted to be taxed beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but
+futile efforts on his behalf.
+
+Children should never be allowed to interrupt. For that reason
+parents, and those who have the care of children, should remember not
+to monopolize the conversation when there are children present, nor
+talk on and on for a long time, as no person, least of all a child,
+can follow such continuous talk without weariness.
+
+Children should be taught that thinking will answer most of their
+questions for them, that they should wait and see if the answer will
+not be given by something that is said later on. Every effort made to
+drive the thought of a loquacious child back upon itself is an effort
+in the right direction; just as every effort made to express and
+reveal the thought of an imaginative child is much to the latter's
+benefit.
+
+The sayings of a child should never be quoted in his presence, nor his
+doings related. He becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby.
+
+A child should be taught to respect the rights of the father and
+mother to the easiest chairs in the room, or those which they may
+prefer, and should leave those chairs vacant until the father and
+mother are seated elsewhere.
+
+The boy who has been brought up at home, both by precept and by his
+father's example, never to seat himself at the dining table or in the
+family sitting-room until his mother is seated, will not need to be
+told that he should rise in a crowded street car and give his seat to
+an elderly woman. He will do it so instinctively that it will not be a
+burden,--indeed, the regret would be more keen if he could not do it.
+
+If children are present at the dining table, it is wiser to help them
+first, and the grown people last, than the reverse. In everything it
+is well to follow the etiquette of adult life, as, for instance, by
+helping the girls before the boys.
+
+Children should be taught to be punctual at meals, not simply for the
+sake of health, but out of consideration for the cook and for those
+who might otherwise be obliged to wait for them. They should not be
+allowed to hurry through a meal because of their impatience to get at
+play, although they may be wisely excused when they are quite through.
+There is no value in making them the bored, squirming, or subdued
+listeners to conversation quite beyond their comprehension or
+interest. They should be taught to eat leisurely, and to regard the
+mealtime as a chance to talk with their parents about interesting
+things, and not simply as a time to be shortened and slighted if
+possible.
+
+Usually the child's first rigid lesson in punctuality comes at the
+beginning of school life. Then, most profitably, may be cultivated a
+sense of the rights of others, and of his individual responsibility
+toward the social group, represented for him by his teacher and
+schoolmates. If the emphasis is rightly laid upon the necessity of his
+not delaying the work of his classmates and teacher, he will naturally
+find many ways in which he may apply the same thought, greatly to his
+own advantage and to theirs as well, and to the permanent
+strengthening of his habits of work.
+
+A keen sense of social oneness may also prevent the too frequent
+heart-burnings among shy and sensitive children. This is as easily
+cultivated as is the opposite, and is of great importance both in
+childhood and in later life. The seeming injustice of the teacher may
+often be made clear, and seen to be just, when the welfare of the
+whole school is taken into consideration. This is a matter of the
+natural enlargement of the child's mental horizon, and if the proper
+spirit has been fostered, the child will welcome it. Should it be done
+carefully and wisely, the roots of many social weeds will at once be
+eliminated.
+
+Fault-finding should be discouraged in school and at home. It is never
+the best method of fault correction, and should not be countenanced.
+
+The bringing home of tales of the teacher and of schoolmates, in a
+spirit of complaint, should not be permitted. Pleasant accounts of
+happenings at school should be encouraged, but grumbling against
+rules, as well as personal gossip, should not be permitted. The
+authority of the home must support the authority of the school or the
+child will nowhere receive that discipline and training which he needs
+in order to meet the experiences of life.
+
+The child should be allowed a certain sum of money, which, even in the
+most lavish homes, should be a little under what the wants of the
+child require. The giving of this money should be done regularly at a
+stated time, and there should never be any extra giving, or increase
+of the usual sum, except under very unusual circumstances, which
+should not be allowed to happen more than once a year.
+
+The child should also be held accountable for his money. If he is old
+enough to have any money, or to spend any, he is old enough to tell
+how he spent it, even to the last penny. Unless all is accounted for,
+the habits of accuracy and care are not formed. The record of this
+should be written down, even if done very simply and without special
+form, and later, as the child grows older, more conventional forms of
+bookkeeping should be required.
+
+It should be also required that there be some saving, which is
+preferably a certain proportion of the whole, this for a beginning to
+which to add extra sums as the child may wish. This saved sum should
+be permanently put by, and drawing from it should not be permitted. It
+may be transferred to a bank at long intervals, always by the child
+himself, and his pride in doing it and keeping it there should be
+cultivated.
+
+These matters may all be made a game and sheer fun. Their grave
+importance is apparent on every hand. For the child which has been
+taught early to do these things, will do them with such ease as to
+make it seem instinctive, and the child who does it will never, under
+any ordinary circumstances, come to want.
+
+The proper behavior in church should be taught rather by trying to
+inculcate the spirit of worship than by making rules to be followed. A
+child is very susceptible to impressiveness of any sort, and if the
+reason for it is made clear to him, he will be quicker to respond to
+it by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an older person. Even
+the obstreperous child is at least temporarily impressed, if he sees
+that others are, and if he knows the reason for it.
+
+Children should realize that it is their privilege and duty to serve
+guests, whether their own or their parents. The sacrifice of one's own
+comfort for the sake of the guest takes, with a child, the form of a
+sort of play, usually because of the excitement of the arrival of a
+stranger, and the possibilities of fun in the enjoyment of the
+stranger's stay.
+
+The child should be taught respect for the guest's person, and should
+not be allowed to take the same liberties with a gown or a glove that
+sometimes the mother or aunts permit, no matter how great the novelty
+of the texture or how it appeals to the child's sense of beauty. The
+privileges of being a guest should be always duly respected, and the
+child be thus taught at once his duty as a host and his position as a
+guest.
+
+Children should never be allowed to play with a visitor's hat or cane,
+or handle furniture or ornaments in a strange house, or show by
+ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a child, in unaccustomed
+surroundings, naturally feels. They can be taught so great a respect
+for the possessions of others that they would become able to stifle
+their curiosity, or express it only at a fitting time.
+
+Children should not be sent to the drawing-room to entertain
+visitors, unless the visitors request it themselves. Nor should they
+be allowed to be troublesome to visitors or guests at any time, any
+more than servants should be allowed to be insolent. They should never
+be allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests, nor to visit them
+often or long.
+
+Children should not be permitted to enter into the pleasures of their
+elders when, to do so, would be to spoil the kind of sociability for
+which the occasion was intended. At all formal functions, children are
+out of place. When making formal calls, children are usually in the
+way, and the silent part they are forced to play is disagreeable for
+them. They are also out of place at a funeral, or in a cemetery, or
+anywhere that there is mourning. It is an injury to a child to see
+grief,--unless it be his great concern, and in that case it is no
+longer a matter of etiquette, but of necessary life experience.
+
+Children should not dine out except by special invitation. It is as
+discourteous to permit a child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a
+neighbor, as it is wrong for the child to think that such uninvited
+visits are permissible.
+
+A child should be taught never to touch what does not belong to it,
+except with the express permission of the owner. This applies to goods
+in a store, as well as to the furniture of places other than his
+home, and to the belongings of others in his home.
+
+A child should not be allowed to intrude into a drive, a walk, a call,
+or a conversation. It is unfair to the child, and awkward for him, and
+is no kindness, as it takes away the benefit which he might otherwise
+derive from the pleasure either by continually snubbing his
+self-respect, or by repressing his energy and curiosity to the danger
+point.
+
+Children should not be allowed to go to picnic parties, unless they
+have been invited and entertainment prepared for them.
+
+Children should be taught to treat servants with all the politeness
+with which they treat their elders, and with much more consideration.
+The converse of the servants with children should be of the same
+careful and pleasant quality that the best parents use and desire.
+This may well be insisted upon. On the other hand, the children should
+be taught that servants are busy people, that they should never be
+imposed upon, and that unnecessary work should not be made for them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING
+
+
+UPON the occasion of a death in the family a reliable undertaker is at
+once notified and his suggestions followed as to the necessary
+preparations to be made for the funeral.
+
+The shades are drawn throughout the front of the house, as a sign that
+the family is in retirement. The women of the family are not seen upon
+the street unless necessary, the men taking full charge of all
+business matters. The directions which the undertaker desires should
+be decided upon by the family, or nearest relative of the deceased,
+and then some one member of the family should be delegated to see that
+they are carried out. Palm leaves tied with ribbon or chiffon, spray
+bouquets of white flowers tied with ribbon, an ivy wreath broken with
+a bunch of purple everlasting, are much preferred to crape upon the
+door.
+
+Press notices of the funeral and death should be sent to the
+newspapers. The conduct of the funeral should be arranged with the
+clergyman chosen to officiate, the superintendent of the cemetery
+consulted (usually through the undertaker), and the notes of request
+sent to those chosen to act as pallbearers. Sometimes the latter are
+purely honorary, the undertaker furnishing the bearers. The honor is
+usually given to intimate family friends, or close business associates
+in case of a business man.
+
+A carriage is always provided for the clergyman, and he is entitled to
+a fee, although clergymen do not charge it, either at a home or church
+funeral. If the service is held at a church, the sexton, organist and
+singers,--and the singers at a home funeral as well,--are entitled to
+recompense for their services.
+
+Carriages are sent for the pallbearers, and are also provided to
+convey the family, and as many of the friends as may be invited to go,
+to the cemetery.
+
+One may announce in the newspaper "Burial private," in which case it
+is understood that only the family attend at the grave; or "No
+flowers" if the family wish the usual sending of flowers dispensed
+with.
+
+The clergyman usually consults the wishes of the family as to the form
+of service, the hymns or music, and remarks. The funeral service
+should be brief, and preferably a ritual service with no sermon or
+eulogy. The last are usually harrowing to the feelings of the
+mourners, and there should be every reasonable effort made to relieve
+the tension of the occasion, for the sake of the living.
+
+At a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the first pews at the left
+of the center aisle; the family in those to the right. At a home
+funeral it is customary to have the family in some secluded room near
+the one where the coffin is placed and to have the clergyman stand in
+the hall between, or at the entrance of the drawing-room, where he may
+be readily heard by all.
+
+If the service at the grave immediately follows the funeral the house
+should meanwhile be aired, the shades lifted, the flowers all sent
+away to some hospital, and the rooms arranged in the usual way.
+
+Before a funeral at the home, it is necessary for some member of the
+family to receive the relatives from the distance, and the very
+intimate friends, and see that they are given necessary refreshment,
+and their return to trains, if they must leave immediately after the
+funeral, thoroughly understood by the hackmen.
+
+At a home funeral the singers should be somewhat distant from the
+family, so that the music is not loud.
+
+The members of the family are dressed in hats and veils ready to enter
+the carriages, before the service. They pass to view the body,--if,
+according to a former custom, the casket is left open,--last of all,
+and enter the last carriage before that of the pallbearers, which
+immediately precedes the hearse.
+
+In sending flowers to a funeral, one's card is enclosed. There should
+be no slightest sense of obligation in the sending of flowers, and
+each piece should represent only real sympathy or respect.
+
+The putting on of black garments as a sign that one has lost a near
+relative has been much modified by the good sense of the people, and
+the period of mourning shortened, especially in England. In stating
+the accepted mourning custom, the moderate observance of it has been
+given, both extremes being ignored.
+
+Crape is the quality of goods most closely allied with mourning. Black
+dresses trimmed with black crape are usually worn for the first few
+months by women who have lost a near relative. The black veil worn by
+widows is now of moderate length, and usually not of the very thick
+material which was once in vogue. A ruche of white is now placed just
+inside the bonnet, which relieves the black effect somewhat. Black
+furs and sealskins are worn with mourning.
+
+The English fashion of six months of the deepest mourning and six
+months of secondary is meeting with more and more approval in this
+country, although for a close relative a year is the first period and
+six months the second.
+
+One who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six
+months; after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical,
+but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn.
+
+During the mourning period, black-bordered stationery is used. The
+border on paper and envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch for
+a close relative and half that for a more distant one, or during the
+secondary period of mourning, if one cares to make the change. The
+personal visiting card has a black border during this time.
+
+The handkerchief is bordered with narrow black, or is of
+narrow-bordered, plain, sheer linen.
+
+For relatives-in-law it is not customary to put on black, although for
+a father- or mother-in-law it is customary, in the best society, to
+dress nearly as for an own father or mother.
+
+A widower wears a complete suit of black, white linen, dull-black silk
+neckties, dull-black leather shoes, black gloves, and a black ribbon
+of broader width upon his hat.
+
+The mourning band sewed upon the coat sleeve is a discredited form of
+mourning. It does not denote the nearness of the loss, and has only
+the virtue of cheapness for those who cannot afford to show marked
+respect to the dead.
+
+Men do not observe the custom of withdrawing from society for as long
+a time as do the women, but usually reappear at the homes of intimate
+friends, at public places of entertainment, and at the club after two
+or three months. As long as the mourning band is worn upon the hat,
+however, no man should attend large and fashionable functions, as
+dinner or dancing parties, or the theater.
+
+After six months a woman may resume calling, returning the calls of
+those who called upon her in the early weeks of her bereavement.
+
+Children of fifteen years of age and under should not wear mourning.
+
+The viewing of the body of the deceased as it lies in the casket is
+the privilege of only the family and the immediate friends, and should
+not be requested by others. Therefore, the casket is now usually
+closed before the funeral service, especially if that be at a church.
+In case of a man in public office, it is sometimes necessary that the
+body should lie in state for certain hours, when the public may pay
+their respects.
+
+Punctuality is very necessary in regard to everything connected with a
+funeral service, as the overwrought nerves of those who are sorrowing
+should not be taxed to bear any extra tension.
+
+Within ten days after the funeral, a card of thanks for sympathy
+should be sent to all who have called upon the family or sent flowers
+or offered their services in any way.
+
+When one is in mourning, one does not attend a wedding reception,
+though one may be present at the ceremony. Black should not be worn.
+
+Mourners announce their return to society by sending out their cards
+to friends and acquaintances.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+MILITARY, NAVAL, AND FLAG ETIQUETTE
+
+
+THE social usage in respect to military or naval officers follows
+ordinarily the customs of formal occasions or occasions of state in
+civilian life, or is provided for in the instructions of the army and
+the navy, which the members of those two departments of the service
+would alone be expected to know. There are, however, one or two
+occasions where the etiquette of social life is, or may be, modified
+by the formalities due to these representatives of the Government.
+
+
+_The Formal Military Wedding_
+
+The church or formal home wedding where the bridegroom and his
+attendants are all army men, may have the distinctive feature of the
+arch of swords or bayonets. The bridegroom and the ushers, in that
+case, are all in full dress uniform. The bride and bridesmaids are
+dressed daintily and fluffily to afford contrast. The church should be
+decorated with palms and lilies, and with the national and the
+regimental flags in the chancel. As the organist begins the
+wedding-march, two color-bearers of the regiment, carrying one the
+national flag and the other the regimental colors, precede the
+bridegroom and the best man from the vestry. The latter take their
+usual places, and the color-bearers move to a position at either side
+of the chancel steps. After the ceremony, they move to the head of the
+aisle, and the ushers form a line to the foot of the chancel steps.
+The ushers then put on their caps, unsheathe their swords, or raise
+their bayonets, and form an arch with them. Under this arch pass the
+bride and bridegroom, and the bridesmaids. Then, sheathing their
+swords and removing their caps, the ushers fall into line at the end
+of the procession.
+
+
+_Naval and Yachting Usage_
+
+When one is the guest of the owners or the officers of a yacht, or of
+the officers of a government warship or other large vessel, it is well
+to know that in the lading of the gig for reaching and leaving the
+ship, the order of precedence is always as follows: Juniors in rank or
+official importance enter the gig first, and the one highest in rank
+immediately precedes the Captain, who is always the last to embark and
+the first to disembark. In leaving the gig, the order is reversed
+from that on entering it, the junior in rank thus being the last to
+leave the boat.
+
+
+_The Etiquette of the Flag_
+
+The flag is displayed every day only on government buildings and
+schoolhouses. On state holidays, and like commemorative days when it
+is customary for the flag to be displayed on private buildings, it
+should be raised at sunrise and lowered at sunset. It should not be
+displayed on stormy days, nor left out over night. It should never be
+allowed to touch the ground. When it is to be displayed at half-mast
+only, it should be raised to the tip of the staff and then lowered
+halfway. It should never be festooned or draped, but always be hung
+flat.
+
+On Memorial Day, May 30, the flag should be displayed at half-mast
+until twelve o'clock noon, and then raised to the top of the staff
+until sunset. The salute for the changing of the position of the flag
+at all army posts and stations having artillery, is as follows:
+immediately before noon, the band plays some appropriate air, and at
+the stroke of twelve the national salute of twenty-one guns is fired.
+After this the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff, while
+everybody stands at attention, with hand raised to the forehead ready
+for the salute. When the colors reach the top, the salute is given,
+and the band plays patriotic airs.
+
+The salute to the flag is used at its formal raising, and when it
+passes on parade or in review. The hand salute according to the
+regulations of the United States Army is as follows:
+
+"Standing at attention, raise the right hand to the forehead over the
+right eye, palm downward, fingers extended and close together, arm at
+an angle of forty-five degrees. Move hand outward about a foot, with a
+quick motion then drop to the side. When the colors are passing on
+parade or in review, the spectator should, if walking, halt, if
+sitting, arise, and stand at attention and uncover."
+
+In schools two forms of salute are taught. The first, for primary
+children, is: "We give our heads and our hearts to God and our
+country; one country, one land, one flag." The second, for all other
+pupils, is: "I pledge allegiance to my flag and to the Republic for
+which it stands: one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for
+all."
+
+When the flag is carried on parade, it is dipped in salute to the
+official who is reviewing the parade. Whenever the flag is displayed
+with other flags,--whether the colors of a regiment or other military
+organization, or of alien nations,--it should be placed, or carried,
+or crossed, at the right of the other flag or flags. When portrayed
+in illustrations by any process or for any purpose, it is so pictured
+that the staff will always be at the left and the fabric will float to
+the right.
+
+The chief regulations governing the composition of the flag are as
+follows: In the _field_ of the flag there should be thirteen
+horizontal stripes, alternating red and white, the first and the last
+stripes red. These stripes represent the thirteen original colonies.
+The colors red and white were chosen by George Washington, the red
+from the flag of England, the Mother Country, broken by the white,
+symbolizing liberty, to show the separation. The _union_ of the
+flag--white stars on a field of blue--should be seven stripes high,
+and about seven-tenths of the height of the flag in length. "The stars
+should have five points, with one point directly upward."[A] The stars
+symbolize the States. "By an act of Congress on October 26, 1912, the
+flag now has forty-eight stars, arranged in six horizontal rows of
+eight each."
+
+
+THE END
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[A] Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag."
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+
+  Abbreviations, 99, 113, 115
+  Absent-mindedness, 125
+  Acceptances, 112
+  Accidents at table, 154
+  Accounts for children, 219, 220
+  Acknowledgment of wedding gifts, 211
+  Addresses on cards, 100;
+    on envelopes, 60-66, 118;
+    on invitations, 114, 118
+  Addressing:
+    The President of the United States, 62, 63;
+    Vice President, 63;
+    Members of the Cabinet, 64;
+    Ambassadors, 63, 64;
+    Governors, 63;
+    Mayors, 63;
+    The King of England, 64;
+    Dukes, 65;
+    The Pope, 65;
+    Bishops and Archbishops, 65, 66;
+    strangers, 66, 67;
+    married women, 67
+  Addressing wedding invitations, 118
+  After-dinner speeches, 166
+  Afternoon tea, 145
+  Afternoon teas for the engaged girl, 180
+  Allowances for children, 219, 220
+  Amusement, places of, 122-124, 170
+  Anger, 8
+  Anniversaries, 40
+  Announcement of engagement, 179-181;
+    by newspaper notice, 179;
+    by personal note, 74
+  Announcements: engagement, 74, 179-181;
+    birth, 104, 105;
+    death, 224, 225;
+    marriage, 116;
+    postponements, 119, 120
+  Answering Letters, 76
+  Apology, 29, 31
+  Appearance, personal, 6, 10
+  Applauding, 124
+  Art of Being a Guest, The, 137-144
+  "At Home" days, 145, 146
+  "At Home" invitations of bridal couple, 116, 117
+  Attitude toward strangers, 132, 133, 135
+
+  Balls, 112
+  "Bal Poudre" invitations, 112
+  Beauty, 10, 15
+  Begging pardon, 29, 82, 130
+  Behavior in church, 124, 125;
+    public, 122-136
+  Best man, duties of, 8, 196-199, 201, 205, 208
+  Birth announcements, 104, 105
+  Birthday anniversaries, 41
+  Blank invitation, the, 109, 110
+  Bow, the, manner of, 78, 79;
+    significance of, 80-82
+  Breakfasts, 148, 149;
+    dress at, 12, 36;
+    menu of, 148;
+    wedding, 204-207
+  Bridal party:
+    at rehearsal, 191;
+    at "showers" and dinners, 181-183;
+    at church, 192
+  Bridal procession, formation of, 196, 202, 203;
+    at a church wedding, 197, 199;
+    at a home wedding, 202
+  Bridal "Showers," 181-183
+  Bridal veil, 190
+  Bridegroom's duties at ceremony, 196-199;
+    preparation of a home, 185;
+    share of expense of wedding, 186;
+    wedding outfit, 186, 187
+  Bridesmaid, duties of a, 8, 196-200
+  Business acquaintances, 129
+  Business cards, 100
+  Business, etiquette of, 83, 129
+  Business introductions by correspondence, 70
+  Business letters, 54, 55, 60
+  Business meetings, 123
+  Business training of a wife, 23
+  Business women, social life of, 171, 172
+
+  Cake:
+    wedding, 206;
+    bridal, 207
+  Calling upon one person, 93;
+    a guest, 93
+  Calls:
+    after entertainment, 90, 138;
+    by men, 92;
+    first, 94, 95;
+    formal, 90;
+    friendly, 90, 93;
+    obligations of, 91, 138;
+    upon brides, 94;
+    clergymen, 94;
+    government officials in Washington, 94;
+    newcomers, 94;
+    people of note, 94;
+    return of, 90, 95;
+    time of, 90
+  Candles, use of, 151
+  Card, The Personal, 96-105;
+    form of, 96, 105;
+    form of name on, 97, 98;
+    inscription of, 97-100;
+    titles on, 97, 100, 101;
+    use of, 102-105;
+    after change of residence, 103;
+    announcing a birth, 104, 105;
+    announcing a departure, 104;
+    leaving, 90, 91, 103;
+    of sympathy, 104;
+    of congratulation, 104;
+    presenting at calls, 91, 95, 102;
+    when visiting or traveling, 103, 131
+  Cards, Place, 152
+  Carriages for wedding, 193, 196;
+    for funeral, 226
+  Casual Meetings, 78-90
+  Chaperon, Duties of the, 169-173;
+    necessity of, 169;
+    in public, 169, 170;
+    at calls, 170, 172;
+    with the engaged couple, 173;
+    for the debutante, 172;
+    relations with one's, 172, 173;
+    at a dancing party, 139, 147
+  Character, 7
+  Children, Etiquette for, 214-223;
+    and mourning, 222;
+    and servants, 214, 223;
+    and visitors, 221, 222;
+    at the dining table, 217;
+    in church, 220
+  Church, attendance, 143;
+    behavior in, 124, 125;
+      of children, 220
+  Church weddings, public, 194, 213;
+    private, 213;
+    invitations, 114-119
+  Cleanliness, 14
+  Club dinners or receptions, 165, 166
+  Club invitations, 111
+  Club officers, 165
+  Conclusions of letters, 66, 70
+  Coffee, service of, 154
+  Condolence, letters of, 75, 76;
+    acknowledgment, 76, 120
+  Congratulations, 76
+  Conformity to custom, 203
+  Congresses, guests at, 167
+  Consideration on the part of a guest, 141-143
+  Convalescence, 45
+  Conversation, 16, 48-52;
+    at table, 35, 46
+  Correspondence, 52-55
+  Correspondence cards, 56
+  Country, entertainment in the, 161-164;
+    parties, 144, 164
+  Country wedding, 117, 212, 213
+  Courses at formal dinner, 157, 158
+  Courtesy, 2, 3, 4, 5, 18, 19, 20;
+    to servants, 45, 46, 47, 144;
+    to nurse and doctor, 45;
+    to invalids, 44
+  Cutlery, arrangement of, 152
+
+  Dancing Parties, 138, 139, 140;
+    invitations, 109-111
+  Daylight, use of, 149
+  Deaf persons, 32
+  Debate, 50, 51
+  Debutante and the chaperon, 169, 172
+  Decorations for wedding, 192
+  Deference to elders, 214
+  Dessert, service of, 154, 158
+  Dinners, 149-158;
+    announcement of, 155;
+    choice of guests, 150;
+    conversation at, 49, 150;
+    formal, 137, 149;
+    invitations to, 109, 150;
+    lighting of, 151;
+    menu of, 157, 158;
+    place cards for, 152;
+    retiring from, 156;
+    seating guests at, 151, 155, 156;
+    service of, 152, 153;
+    table-setting for, 151, 152
+  Discipline, 46, 47
+  Dress, 11, 36, 112, 128, 134, 140, 186-190
+  Dress for men:
+    afternoon, 13, 94;
+    early breakfast, 13;
+    formal breakfast, 13;
+    evening, 14, 156;
+    at weddings, 14, 186
+  Dress for women:
+    at home, 16;
+    ball, 13;
+    church, 12, 189;
+    dinner, 12, 13, 150, 155, 189;
+    formal breakfast, 12;
+    house party, 140;
+    luncheon, 12;
+    mourning, 13;
+    traveling, 130, 141;
+    visiting, 140;
+    wedding, 187-189;
+    as business woman, 15;
+    as hostess, 13;
+    as housewife, 16;
+    as milliner, 15
+  Driving, 127, 128
+  Duties of Host and Hostess, 145-168
+
+  Emerson, iv
+  Engaged couple, the:
+    at a dancing party, 139;
+    at home, 177;
+    duties to friends, 178;
+    in society, 177-179;
+    meeting each other's friends, 178, 179
+  Engagement announcements, 179-181
+  Engagement, The Broken, 183-185;
+    announcement of, 183, 184;
+    explanation of, 184
+  Engagements:
+    punctuality, 17, 32;
+    punctiliousness in keeping, 17
+  English customs of entertainment, 158, 159
+  Engraved Invitation, The, 105-121;
+    stock of, 105, 106;
+    type of, 106, 107, 108;
+    size of, 105, 106
+  Entering a room, 27
+  Entertainment, assisting in, 123, 124;
+    English customs of, 159;
+    for guests, 142, 162;
+    in the country, 163
+  Entertainment committees, duties of, 166
+  Envelopes, 118;
+    addressing, 59, 60, 61, 114, 118;
+    sealing, 59;
+    stamping, 59
+  Ethics, 1
+  Etiquette, an art, 2;
+    the end of, iii;
+    the need of, iii, 2;
+    The Rewards of, 1-5
+  Etiquette of Mourning, 224-230
+  Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement, The, 174-193
+
+  Family Etiquette, 20-47
+  Faults among women, 18
+  Fees, 144
+  Festivities, rural, 164
+  Finger bowls, 37
+  First Calls, 94, 95
+  Five o'clock tea, 145
+  Forms of wedding invitations, 114, 115;
+    announcements, 115, 116;
+    reception cards, 116, 117;
+    bridal "At Home" cards, 116, 117;
+    personal cards, 96-105;
+    dinner invitations, 109;
+    reception, 117; "At Home," 116, 117, 120;
+    party, 109;
+    New Year, 121
+  Forms of announcements of postponement, 119, 120;
+    gratitude for sympathy, 120
+  Friends, 21, 42-44
+
+  General Rules of Conduct, 26-33
+  Gifts, 40, 41, 42;
+    engagement, 181, 185;
+    for "showers," 181-183;
+    of bridegroom to bride, 186;
+    of bridegroom to ushers and bridesmaids, 186;
+    to servants, 144;
+    wedding, 210-213
+  Giving away the bride, 198
+  Gloves, 149, 151
+  Golden Rule, 2
+  Good-night formalities, 28;
+    at a reception, 138;
+    dancing party, 140;
+    dinner, 156
+  Graduations, 167, 168
+  Greeting guests at a luncheon, 149;
+    dinner, 156;
+    reception, 147
+  Greetings, 28, 78-83
+  Guest chamber, 160, 161
+  Guest, the art of being a, 137-144, 167
+  Guest:
+    at afternoon tea, 137, 138;
+    a congress, etc., 166, 167;
+    country house, 159;
+    dancing party, 138;
+    reception, 138;
+    wedding, 195, 196, 201
+  Guests, tardiness of, 155
+
+  Handshaking, 80, 82, 86, 87
+  Handwriting, 58
+  Haughtiness, 11
+  Home, founding the, 20-26
+  Home wedding, the, 201-203;
+    invitations, 115
+  Horseback riding, 128, 129
+  Hospitality, 145, 165-168
+  Hotel etiquette, 126, 127, 133-136;
+    dining-room civility, 135-136;
+    dress in, 134
+  House parties, 158, 159;
+    sports at, 163
+  Household management, 22
+  Host, duties of, 137, 166-168
+  Hostess, duties of, 127, 137
+
+  Illness, 44, 45
+  Impartiality, 30
+  Informality in entertaining, 164
+  Ink, 58
+  Inscriptions on cards, 97-100
+  Interruptions, 17, 49
+  Introduction, letters of, 70-72;
+    advisability of, for business, 70;
+    socially, 70, 71;
+    presentation of, 72;
+    obligations of, 72
+  Introductions, 84-89, 148;
+    at chance meetings, 87;
+    at a dancing party, 87, 89, 138, 139;
+    at a dinner, 89, 149;
+    by a guest, 86;
+    by a hostess, 86, 90;
+    discrimination in, 85;
+    form of, 84;
+    of a gentleman to a lady, 84, 86, 88;
+    responses to, 84;
+    responsibility for, 88;
+    to one's relatives, 88
+  Invitations (_See_ "Engraved Invitation, The");
+    for dinner and dance, 111;
+    entertainment at club, 111;
+    formal, 105-121;
+    informal, 74, 112;
+    of widower, 111, 113;
+    bachelor, 111, 113;
+    widower with daughters, 111;
+    to call, 93;
+    to "Bal Poudre," 112;
+    dancing or other parties, 109;
+    dinners, 109;
+    luncheons, 108;
+    receptions, 117, 120, 121;
+    "showers," 182;
+    visits, 158;
+    weddings, 114-117;
+    to meet a guest, 120, 146;
+    to meet a son, 113;
+    to mourners, 114
+  Invitations, written, 110, 112;
+    acceptances of, 112;
+    replies to, 113
+
+  Jewelry, 12
+
+  Kant, 2
+
+  Letter writing, 52;
+    discretion in, 52, 53
+  Letters:
+    Conclusion of, 66;
+    of classic literature, 53;
+    of condolence, 75, 76;
+    of Introduction, 70-72;
+    of recommendation, 73;
+    opening those of others, 24;
+    opening, in company, 29;
+    Salutation of, 66-68;
+    Signature of, 66-69;
+    to servants, 74;
+    to strangers, 74;
+    giving orders, 74
+  Letter-heads, 56, 57
+  Lifting the hat, 78, 81, 82, 83
+  Linen, for dinner, 151;
+    trousseau, 189, 190
+  Luncheon, 148, 149;
+    menu of, 148;
+    dress at, 12
+
+  Maid of honor, duties of, 197, 199
+  Management of household, 22
+  Mannerisms, 17
+  Manners, 7
+  Marriage, 20, 21;
+    ceremony, 197, 198;
+    certificate, 191;
+    customs, 203;
+    license, 190;
+    obligations of, 20-26
+  Men's cards, 96;
+    club name on, 100;
+    form of, 96;
+    inscription on, 97;
+    omission of address, 100;
+    titles on, 97, 100, 101
+  Monograms, 56
+  Monopoly of conversation, 49;
+    in friendship, 43, 44
+  Morals, 7
+  Mourning, dress of, 227-229;
+    Etiquette of, 224-230;
+    periods of, 227;
+    stationery of, 228
+  Music at a wedding, 197, 200, 202
+
+  Neatness, 14, 46, 129
+  Neglect of family, 22, 25
+  Nichols, Dr. T. L., 9, title-page
+  Non-acknowledgment of courtesies, 18
+  Notes, apologetic 55;
+    congratulatory, 76;
+    requesting a favor, 55;
+    social, 57, 58;
+    sympathetic, 75, 76
+
+  Obligations of letters of introduction, 72
+  Old English type, 106-108
+  Openings, formal business, 165
+  Out-door weddings, 212
+
+  Paper for correspondence, 55
+  Parents:
+    consideration for, 217;
+    consulting, 174;
+    duties of, 169, 170;
+    negligence of, 173
+  Party invitations, 109, 110, 112
+  Penmanship of invitations, 110
+  Personal Card, The, 96-105
+  Personality, 6-19
+  Picnics, 163, 161
+  Place cards, 151, 152
+  Plates, service of, 153
+  Position, 10;
+    at table, 33
+  Posture, 10, 28
+  "P. p. c." cards, 99
+  Presentation of letters of introduction, 72
+  Presents: birthday, 41;
+    graduation, 42;
+    to the ill, 45;
+    wedding, 40, 210-212
+  Press notices, of engagements, 179;
+    funerals, 224, 225
+  Privacy, 24
+  Professional cards, 100
+  Proposal of marriage, 174-179;
+    by letter, 175;
+    decision of, 175;
+    spontaneity of, 176;
+    warding off, 175
+  Public Behavior in, 122-136
+  Public functions, 165-168
+  Punctuality, 17, 32, 142, 149, 154;
+    at church, 125;
+    at funerals, 229;
+    for children, 217, 218
+
+  Receiving, at an afternoon tea, 147;
+    dancing party, 147;
+    debutante party, 147
+  Reception, guest at, 137, 138
+  Receptions, 137, 147;
+    business openings, 165;
+    college or school, 167;
+    club, 165
+  Recommendation, letters of, 73
+  Rehearsal for wedding, 191
+  Rejection of proposals, 175
+  Removing hats in public places, 18, 122
+  Replies to business letters, 76;
+    friendly letters, 76;
+    letters of introduction, 72;
+    notes of invitation, 76
+  Reply requests, 73
+  Reverence, 125
+  Riding dress, 128
+  "R. s. v. p.," 113
+  Rural festivities, 164
+
+  Sacrifices, 42, 45
+  Salutations, 28;
+    of letters, 66-68
+  Savings banks for children, 220
+  School behavior, 218, 219
+  Script type, 106-108
+  Sealing Envelopes, 59
+  Seating guests at table, 151, 165, 156
+  Self-consciousness, 10
+  Self-control, 8, 31, 215
+  Send-off of bridal couple, 207
+  Servants, 73, 144;
+    and children, 223;
+    in the country, 161
+  Service of a dinner, 152-158
+  Shaded Roman type, 106-108
+  "Showers," Bridal, 181-183
+  Signatures, 66-70
+  Simplicity in the country, 161-164
+  Sincerity, 7, 9
+  Social introductions by correspondence, 70-72
+  Social calls of men, 92-94
+  Social life of the married, 24
+  Speech, 7, 16
+  Speeches, after-dinner, 166;
+    at wedding breakfast, 206
+  Stamping Envelopes, 59
+  Stationery for mourning, 57, 228
+  Stock of invitations, 105, 106
+  Strangers, addressing, 66, 67;
+    attitude toward, 122, 124, 130-132, 135
+  Street etiquette, 129, 132, 133
+  Sympathy cards, 120
+
+  Table etiquette, 33-40;
+    for children, 217
+  Third-person letters, 74
+  Time of wedding, 194
+  Tips, 144
+  Titles on cards, 97, 100, 101
+  Training of servants, 46
+  Traveling, 130, 131;
+    dress, 130;
+    expense, 131
+  Trousseau, 187-190
+  Type of invitations, 100-108
+
+  Unselfishness, 9
+  Use of cards, 102-106
+  Ushers, at wedding, duties of, 195-198, 201
+
+  Visits, 158-165;
+    being entertained, 142, 162, 164;
+    dress, 140;
+    entertainment, 158, 159, 163, 164;
+    length, 158;
+    prolonging, 142
+
+  Wardrobe of bride, 187-189;
+    of bridegroom, 186
+  Wedding, anniversaries, 40, 41;
+    breakfast, 204-206;
+    cake, 206, 207;
+    fee, 208-210;
+    invitations, 114-119;
+    journey, 208;
+    preparation for, 185-193;
+    presents, 210-212;
+    reception, 205, 207;
+    ring, 191;
+    suit for bridegroom, 186, 187;
+    wardrobe of bride, 187-189
+  Whispering, 29, 123
+  Withdrawal from society during mourning, 224, 227, 228
+  Writing on cards, 99
+
+      *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
+
+This text uses both out-door and outdoor. This was retained.
+
+Page viii, "Person" changed to "person" (Third-person Correspondence)
+
+Page 57, "Letter" changed to "letter" (Dead-Letter Office)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Etiquette of To-day, by Edith B. Ordway
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