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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Secret Sharer + +Author: Joseph Conrad + +Release Date: June 18, 2009 [EBook #220] +Last Updated: November 17, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SECRET SHARER *** + + + + +Produced by Judith Boss and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE SECRET SHARER + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Joseph Conrad + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + Contents + </h3> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> II </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + I + </h2> + <p> + On my right hand there were lines of fishing stakes resembling a + mysterious system of half-submerged bamboo fences, incomprehensible in its + division of the domain of tropical fishes, and crazy of aspect as if + abandoned forever by some nomad tribe of fishermen now gone to the other + end of the ocean; for there was no sign of human habitation as far as the + eye could reach. To the left a group of barren islets, suggesting ruins of + stone walls, towers, and blockhouses, had its foundations set in a blue + sea that itself looked solid, so still and stable did it lie below my + feet; even the track of light from the westering sun shone smoothly, + without that animated glitter which tells of an imperceptible ripple. And + when I turned my head to take a parting glance at the tug which had just + left us anchored outside the bar, I saw the straight line of the flat + shore joined to the stable sea, edge to edge, with a perfect and unmarked + closeness, in one leveled floor half brown, half blue under the enormous + dome of the sky. Corresponding in their insignificance to the islets of + the sea, two small clumps of trees, one on each side of the only fault in + the impeccable joint, marked the mouth of the river Meinam we had just + left on the first preparatory stage of our homeward journey; and, far back + on the inland level, a larger and loftier mass, the grove surrounding the + great Paknam pagoda, was the only thing on which the eye could rest from + the vain task of exploring the monotonous sweep of the horizon. Here and + there gleams as of a few scattered pieces of silver marked the windings of + the great river; and on the nearest of them, just within the bar, the tug + steaming right into the land became lost to my sight, hull and funnel and + masts, as though the impassive earth had swallowed her up without an + effort, without a tremor. My eye followed the light cloud of her smoke, + now here, now there, above the plain, according to the devious curves of + the stream, but always fainter and farther away, till I lost it at last + behind the miter-shaped hill of the great pagoda. And then I was left + alone with my ship, anchored at the head of the Gulf of Siam. + </p> + <p> + She floated at the starting point of a long journey, very still in an + immense stillness, the shadows of her spars flung far to the eastward by + the setting sun. At that moment I was alone on her decks. There was not a + sound in her—and around us nothing moved, nothing lived, not a canoe + on the water, not a bird in the air, not a cloud in the sky. In this + breathless pause at the threshold of a long passage we seemed to be + measuring our fitness for a long and arduous enterprise, the appointed + task of both our existences to be carried out, far from all human eyes, + with only sky and sea for spectators and for judges. + </p> + <p> + There must have been some glare in the air to interfere with one’s sight, + because it was only just before the sun left us that my roaming eyes made + out beyond the highest ridges of the principal islet of the group + something which did away with the solemnity of perfect solitude. The tide + of darkness flowed on swiftly; and with tropical suddenness a swarm of + stars came out above the shadowy earth, while I lingered yet, my hand + resting lightly on my ship’s rail as if on the shoulder of a trusted + friend. But, with all that multitude of celestial bodies staring down at + one, the comfort of quiet communion with her was gone for good. And there + were also disturbing sounds by this time—voices, footsteps forward; + the steward flitted along the main-deck, a busily ministering spirit; a + hand bell tinkled urgently under the poop deck.... + </p> + <p> + I found my two officers waiting for me near the supper table, in the + lighted cuddy. We sat down at once, and as I helped the chief mate, I + said: + </p> + <p> + “Are you aware that there is a ship anchored inside the islands? I saw her + mastheads above the ridge as the sun went down.” + </p> + <p> + He raised sharply his simple face, overcharged by a terrible growth of + whisker, and emitted his usual ejaculations: “Bless my soul, sir! You + don’t say so!” + </p> + <p> + My second mate was a round-cheeked, silent young man, grave beyond his + years, I thought; but as our eyes happened to meet I detected a slight + quiver on his lips. I looked down at once. It was not my part to encourage + sneering on board my ship. It must be said, too, that I knew very little + of my officers. In consequence of certain events of no particular + significance, except to myself, I had been appointed to the command only a + fortnight before. Neither did I know much of the hands forward. All these + people had been together for eighteen months or so, and my position was + that of the only stranger on board. I mention this because it has some + bearing on what is to follow. But what I felt most was my being a stranger + to the ship; and if all the truth must be told, I was somewhat of a + stranger to myself. The youngest man on board (barring the second mate), + and untried as yet by a position of the fullest responsibility, I was + willing to take the adequacy of the others for granted. They had simply to + be equal to their tasks; but I wondered how far I should turn out faithful + to that ideal conception of one’s own personality every man sets up for + himself secretly. + </p> + <p> + Meantime the chief mate, with an almost visible effect of collaboration on + the part of his round eyes and frightful whiskers, was trying to evolve a + theory of the anchored ship. His dominant trait was to take all things + into earnest consideration. He was of a painstaking turn of mind. As he + used to say, he “liked to account to himself” for practically everything + that came in his way, down to a miserable scorpion he had found in his + cabin a week before. The why and the wherefore of that scorpion—how + it got on board and came to select his room rather than the pantry (which + was a dark place and more what a scorpion would be partial to), and how on + earth it managed to drown itself in the inkwell of his writing desk—had + exercised him infinitely. The ship within the islands was much more easily + accounted for; and just as we were about to rise from table he made his + pronouncement. She was, he doubted not, a ship from home lately arrived. + Probably she drew too much water to cross the bar except at the top of + spring tides. Therefore she went into that natural harbor to wait for a + few days in preference to remaining in an open roadstead. + </p> + <p> + “That’s so,” confirmed the second mate, suddenly, in his slightly hoarse + voice. “She draws over twenty feet. She’s the Liverpool ship Sephora with + a cargo of coal. Hundred and twenty-three days from Cardiff.” + </p> + <p> + We looked at him in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “The tugboat skipper told me when he came on board for your letters, sir,” + explained the young man. “He expects to take her up the river the day + after tomorrow.” + </p> + <p> + After thus overwhelming us with the extent of his information he slipped + out of the cabin. The mate observed regretfully that he “could not account + for that young fellow’s whims.” What prevented him telling us all about it + at once, he wanted to know. + </p> + <p> + I detained him as he was making a move. For the last two days the crew had + had plenty of hard work, and the night before they had very little sleep. + I felt painfully that I—a stranger—was doing something unusual + when I directed him to let all hands turn in without setting an anchor + watch. I proposed to keep on deck myself till one o’clock or thereabouts. + I would get the second mate to relieve me at that hour. + </p> + <p> + “He will turn out the cook and the steward at four,” I concluded, “and + then give you a call. Of course at the slightest sign of any sort of wind + we’ll have the hands up and make a start at once.” + </p> + <p> + He concealed his astonishment. “Very well, sir.” Outside the cuddy he put + his head in the second mate’s door to inform him of my unheard-of caprice + to take a five hours’ anchor watch on myself. I heard the other raise his + voice incredulously—“What? The Captain himself?” Then a few more + murmurs, a door closed, then another. A few moments later I went on deck. + </p> + <p> + My strangeness, which had made me sleepless, had prompted that + unconventional arrangement, as if I had expected in those solitary hours + of the night to get on terms with the ship of which I knew nothing, manned + by men of whom I knew very little more. Fast alongside a wharf, littered + like any ship in port with a tangle of unrelated things, invaded by + unrelated shore people, I had hardly seen her yet properly. Now, as she + lay cleared for sea, the stretch of her main-deck seemed to me very fine + under the stars. Very fine, very roomy for her size, and very inviting. I + descended the poop and paced the waist, my mind picturing to myself the + coming passage through the Malay Archipelago, down the Indian Ocean, and + up the Atlantic. All its phases were familiar enough to me, every + characteristic, all the alternatives which were likely to face me on the + high seas—everything!... except the novel responsibility of command. + But I took heart from the reasonable thought that the ship was like other + ships, the men like other men, and that the sea was not likely to keep any + special surprises expressly for my discomfiture. + </p> + <p> + Arrived at that comforting conclusion, I bethought myself of a cigar and + went below to get it. All was still down there. Everybody at the after end + of the ship was sleeping profoundly. I came out again on the quarter-deck, + agreeably at ease in my sleeping suit on that warm breathless night, + barefooted, a glowing cigar in my teeth, and, going forward, I was met by + the profound silence of the fore end of the ship. Only as I passed the + door of the forecastle, I heard a deep, quiet, trustful sigh of some + sleeper inside. And suddenly I rejoiced in the great security of the sea + as compared with the unrest of the land, in my choice of that untempted + life presenting no disquieting problems, invested with an elementary moral + beauty by the absolute straightforwardness of its appeal and by the + singleness of its purpose. + </p> + <p> + The riding light in the forerigging burned with a clear, untroubled, as if + symbolic, flame, confident and bright in the mysterious shades of the + night. Passing on my way aft along the other side of the ship, I observed + that the rope side ladder, put over, no doubt, for the master of the tug + when he came to fetch away our letters, had not been hauled in as it + should have been. I became annoyed at this, for exactitude in some small + matters is the very soul of discipline. Then I reflected that I had myself + peremptorily dismissed my officers from duty, and by my own act had + prevented the anchor watch being formally set and things properly attended + to. I asked myself whether it was wise ever to interfere with the + established routine of duties even from the kindest of motives. My action + might have made me appear eccentric. Goodness only knew how that absurdly + whiskered mate would “account” for my conduct, and what the whole ship + thought of that informality of their new captain. I was vexed with myself. + </p> + <p> + Not from compunction certainly, but, as it were mechanically, I proceeded + to get the ladder in myself. Now a side ladder of that sort is a light + affair and comes in easily, yet my vigorous tug, which should have brought + it flying on board, merely recoiled upon my body in a totally unexpected + jerk. What the devil!... I was so astounded by the immovableness of that + ladder that I remained stock-still, trying to account for it to myself + like that imbecile mate of mine. In the end, of course, I put my head over + the rail. + </p> + <p> + The side of the ship made an opaque belt of shadow on the darkling glassy + shimmer of the sea. But I saw at once something elongated and pale + floating very close to the ladder. Before I could form a guess a faint + flash of phosphorescent light, which seemed to issue suddenly from the + naked body of a man, flickered in the sleeping water with the elusive, + silent play of summer lightning in a night sky. With a gasp I saw revealed + to my stare a pair of feet, the long legs, a broad livid back immersed + right up to the neck in a greenish cadaverous glow. One hand, awash, + clutched the bottom rung of the ladder. He was complete but for the head. + A headless corpse! The cigar dropped out of my gaping mouth with a tiny + plop and a short hiss quite audible in the absolute stillness of all + things under heaven. At that I suppose he raised up his face, a dimly pale + oval in the shadow of the ship’s side. But even then I could only barely + make out down there the shape of his black-haired head. However, it was + enough for the horrid, frost-bound sensation which had gripped me about + the chest to pass off. The moment of vain exclamations was past, too. I + only climbed on the spare spar and leaned over the rail as far as I could, + to bring my eyes nearer to that mystery floating alongside. + </p> + <p> + As he hung by the ladder, like a resting swimmer, the sea lightning played + about his limbs at every stir; and he appeared in it ghastly, silvery, + fishlike. He remained as mute as a fish, too. He made no motion to get out + of the water, either. It was inconceivable that he should not attempt to + come on board, and strangely troubling to suspect that perhaps he did not + want to. And my first words were prompted by just that troubled + incertitude. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the matter?” I asked in my ordinary tone, speaking down to the + face upturned exactly under mine. + </p> + <p> + “Cramp,” it answered, no louder. Then slightly anxious, “I say, no need to + call anyone.” + </p> + <p> + “I was not going to,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Are you alone on deck?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + I had somehow the impression that he was on the point of letting go the + ladder to swim away beyond my ken—mysterious as he came. But, for + the moment, this being appearing as if he had risen from the bottom of the + sea (it was certainly the nearest land to the ship) wanted only to know + the time. I told him. And he, down there, tentatively: + </p> + <p> + “I suppose your captain’s turned in?” + </p> + <p> + “I am sure he isn’t,” I said. + </p> + <p> + He seemed to struggle with himself, for I heard something like the low, + bitter murmur of doubt. “What’s the good?” His next words came out with a + hesitating effort. + </p> + <p> + “Look here, my man. Could you call him out quietly?” + </p> + <p> + I thought the time had come to declare myself. + </p> + <p> + “I am the captain.” + </p> + <p> + I heard a “By Jove!” whispered at the level of the water. The + phosphorescence flashed in the swirl of the water all about his limbs, his + other hand seized the ladder. + </p> + <p> + “My name’s Leggatt.” + </p> + <p> + The voice was calm and resolute. A good voice. The self-possession of that + man had somehow induced a corresponding state in myself. It was very + quietly that I remarked: + </p> + <p> + “You must be a good swimmer.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes. I’ve been in the water practically since nine o’clock. The question + for me now is whether I am to let go this ladder and go on swimming till I + sink from exhaustion, or—to come on board here.” + </p> + <p> + I felt this was no mere formula of desperate speech, but a real + alternative in the view of a strong soul. I should have gathered from this + that he was young; indeed, it is only the young who are ever confronted by + such clear issues. But at the time it was pure intuition on my part. A + mysterious communication was established already between us two—in + the face of that silent, darkened tropical sea. I was young, too; young + enough to make no comment. The man in the water began suddenly to climb up + the ladder, and I hastened away from the rail to fetch some clothes. + </p> + <p> + Before entering the cabin I stood still, listening in the lobby at the + foot of the stairs. A faint snore came through the closed door of the + chief mate’s room. The second mate’s door was on the hook, but the + darkness in there was absolutely soundless. He, too, was young and could + sleep like a stone. Remained the steward, but he was not likely to wake up + before he was called. I got a sleeping suit out of my room and, coming + back on deck, saw the naked man from the sea sitting on the main hatch, + glimmering white in the darkness, his elbows on his knees and his head in + his hands. In a moment he had concealed his damp body in a sleeping suit + of the same gray-stripe pattern as the one I was wearing and followed me + like my double on the poop. Together we moved right aft, barefooted, + silent. + </p> + <p> + “What is it?” I asked in a deadened voice, taking the lighted lamp out of + the binnacle, and raising it to his face. + </p> + <p> + “An ugly business.” + </p> + <p> + He had rather regular features; a good mouth; light eyes under somewhat + heavy, dark eyebrows; a smooth, square forehead; no growth on his cheeks; + a small, brown mustache, and a well-shaped, round chin. His expression was + concentrated, meditative, under the inspecting light of the lamp I held up + to his face; such as a man thinking hard in solitude might wear. My + sleeping suit was just right for his size. A well-knit young fellow of + twenty-five at most. He caught his lower lip with the edge of white, even + teeth. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” I said, replacing the lamp in the binnacle. The warm, heavy + tropical night closed upon his head again. + </p> + <p> + “There’s a ship over there,” he murmured. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I know. The Sephora. Did you know of us?” + </p> + <p> + “Hadn’t the slightest idea. I am the mate of her—” He paused and + corrected himself. “I should say I <i>was</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “Aha! Something wrong?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes. Very wrong indeed. I’ve killed a man.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean? Just now?” + </p> + <p> + “No, on the passage. Weeks ago. Thirty-nine south. When I say a man—” + </p> + <p> + “Fit of temper,” I suggested, confidently. + </p> + <p> + The shadowy, dark head, like mine, seemed to nod imperceptibly above the + ghostly gray of my sleeping suit. It was, in the night, as though I had + been faced by my own reflection in the depths of a somber and immense + mirror. + </p> + <p> + “A pretty thing to have to own up to for a Conway boy,” murmured my + double, distinctly. + </p> + <p> + “You’re a Conway boy?” + </p> + <p> + “I am,” he said, as if startled. Then, slowly... “Perhaps you too—” + </p> + <p> + It was so; but being a couple of years older I had left before he joined. + After a quick interchange of dates a silence fell; and I thought suddenly + of my absurd mate with his terrific whiskers and the “Bless my soul—you + don’t say so” type of intellect. My double gave me an inkling of his + thoughts by saying: “My father’s a parson in Norfolk. Do you see me before + a judge and jury on that charge? For myself I can’t see the necessity. + There are fellows that an angel from heaven—And I am not that. He + was one of those creatures that are just simmering all the time with a + silly sort of wickedness. Miserable devils that have no business to live + at all. He wouldn’t do his duty and wouldn’t let anybody else do theirs. + But what’s the good of talking! You know well enough the sort of + ill-conditioned snarling cur—” + </p> + <p> + He appealed to me as if our experiences had been as identical as our + clothes. And I knew well enough the pestiferous danger of such a character + where there are no means of legal repression. And I knew well enough also + that my double there was no homicidal ruffian. I did not think of asking + him for details, and he told me the story roughly in brusque, disconnected + sentences. I needed no more. I saw it all going on as though I were myself + inside that other sleeping suit. + </p> + <p> + “It happened while we were setting a reefed foresail, at dusk. Reefed + foresail! You understand the sort of weather. The only sail we had left to + keep the ship running; so you may guess what it had been like for days. + Anxious sort of job, that. He gave me some of his cursed insolence at the + sheet. I tell you I was overdone with this terrific weather that seemed to + have no end to it. Terrific, I tell you—and a deep ship. I believe + the fellow himself was half crazed with funk. It was no time for + gentlemanly reproof, so I turned round and felled him like an ox. He up + and at me. We closed just as an awful sea made for the ship. All hands saw + it coming and took to the rigging, but I had him by the throat, and went + on shaking him like a rat, the men above us yelling, ‘Look out! look out!’ + Then a crash as if the sky had fallen on my head. They say that for over + ten minutes hardly anything was to be seen of the ship—just the + three masts and a bit of the forecastle head and of the poop all awash + driving along in a smother of foam. It was a miracle that they found us, + jammed together behind the forebitts. It’s clear that I meant business, + because I was holding him by the throat still when they picked us up. He + was black in the face. It was too much for them. It seems they rushed us + aft together, gripped as we were, screaming ‘Murder!’ like a lot of + lunatics, and broke into the cuddy. And the ship running for her life, + touch and go all the time, any minute her last in a sea fit to turn your + hair gray only a-looking at it. I understand that the skipper, too, + started raving like the rest of them. The man had been deprived of sleep + for more than a week, and to have this sprung on him at the height of a + furious gale nearly drove him out of his mind. I wonder they didn’t fling + me overboard after getting the carcass of their precious shipmate out of + my fingers. They had rather a job to separate us, I’ve been told. A + sufficiently fierce story to make an old judge and a respectable jury sit + up a bit. The first thing I heard when I came to myself was the maddening + howling of that endless gale, and on that the voice of the old man. He was + hanging on to my bunk, staring into my face out of his sou’wester. + </p> + <p> + “‘Mr. Leggatt, you have killed a man. You can act no longer as chief mate + of this ship.’” + </p> + <p> + His care to subdue his voice made it sound monotonous. He rested a hand on + the end of the skylight to steady himself with, and all that time did not + stir a limb, so far as I could see. “Nice little tale for a quiet tea + party,” he concluded in the same tone. + </p> + <p> + One of my hands, too, rested on the end of the skylight; neither did I + stir a limb, so far as I knew. We stood less than a foot from each other. + It occurred to me that if old “Bless my soul—you don’t say so” were + to put his head up the companion and catch sight of us, he would think he + was seeing double, or imagine himself come upon a scene of weird + witchcraft; the strange captain having a quiet confabulation by the wheel + with his own gray ghost. I became very much concerned to prevent anything + of the sort. I heard the other’s soothing undertone. + </p> + <p> + “My father’s a parson in Norfolk,” it said. Evidently he had forgotten he + had told me this important fact before. Truly a nice little tale. + </p> + <p> + “You had better slip down into my stateroom now,” I said, moving off + stealthily. My double followed my movements; our bare feet made no sound; + I let him in, closed the door with care, and, after giving a call to the + second mate, returned on deck for my relief. + </p> + <p> + “Not much sign of any wind yet,” I remarked when he approached. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir. Not much,” he assented, sleepily, in his hoarse voice, with just + enough deference, no more, and barely suppressing a yawn. + </p> + <p> + “Well, that’s all you have to look out for. You have got your orders.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir.” + </p> + <p> + I paced a turn or two on the poop and saw him take up his position face + forward with his elbow in the ratlines of the mizzen rigging before I went + below. The mate’s faint snoring was still going on peacefully. The cuddy + lamp was burning over the table on which stood a vase with flowers, a + polite attention from the ship’s provision merchant—the last flowers + we should see for the next three months at the very least. Two bunches of + bananas hung from the beam symmetrically, one on each side of the rudder + casing. Everything was as before in the ship—except that two of her + captain’s sleeping suits were simultaneously in use, one motionless in the + cuddy, the other keeping very still in the captain’s stateroom. + </p> + <p> + It must be explained here that my cabin had the form of the capital letter + L, the door being within the angle and opening into the short part of the + letter. A couch was to the left, the bed place to the right; my writing + desk and the chronometers’ table faced the door. But anyone opening it, + unless he stepped right inside, had no view of what I call the long (or + vertical) part of the letter. It contained some lockers surmounted by a + bookcase; and a few clothes, a thick jacket or two, caps, oilskin coat, + and such like, hung on hooks. There was at the bottom of that part a door + opening into my bathroom, which could be entered also directly from the + saloon. But that way was never used. + </p> + <p> + The mysterious arrival had discovered the advantage of this particular + shape. Entering my room, lighted strongly by a big bulkhead lamp swung on + gimbals above my writing desk, I did not see him anywhere till he stepped + out quietly from behind the coats hung in the recessed part. + </p> + <p> + “I heard somebody moving about, and went in there at once,” he whispered. + </p> + <p> + I, too, spoke under my breath. + </p> + <p> + “Nobody is likely to come in here without knocking and getting + permission.” + </p> + <p> + He nodded. His face was thin and the sunburn faded, as though he had been + ill. And no wonder. He had been, I heard presently, kept under arrest in + his cabin for nearly seven weeks. But there was nothing sickly in his eyes + or in his expression. He was not a bit like me, really; yet, as we stood + leaning over my bed place, whispering side by side, with our dark heads + together and our backs to the door, anybody bold enough to open it + stealthily would have been treated to the uncanny sight of a double + captain busy talking in whispers with his other self. + </p> + <p> + “But all this doesn’t tell me how you came to hang on to our side ladder,” + I inquired, in the hardly audible murmurs we used, after he had told me + something more of the proceedings on board the Sephora once the bad + weather was over. + </p> + <p> + “When we sighted Java Head I had had time to think all those matters out + several times over. I had six weeks of doing nothing else, and with only + an hour or so every evening for a tramp on the quarter-deck.” + </p> + <p> + He whispered, his arms folded on the side of my bed place, staring through + the open port. And I could imagine perfectly the manner of this thinking + out—a stubborn if not a steadfast operation; something of which I + should have been perfectly incapable. + </p> + <p> + “I reckoned it would be dark before we closed with the land,” he + continued, so low that I had to strain my hearing near as we were to each + other, shoulder touching shoulder almost. “So I asked to speak to the old + man. He always seemed very sick when he came to see me—as if he + could not look me in the face. You know, that foresail saved the ship. She + was too deep to have run long under bare poles. And it was I that managed + to set it for him. Anyway, he came. When I had him in my cabin—he + stood by the door looking at me as if I had the halter round my neck + already—I asked him right away to leave my cabin door unlocked at + night while the ship was going through Sunda Straits. There would be the + Java coast within two or three miles, off Angier Point. I wanted nothing + more. I’ve had a prize for swimming my second year in the Conway.” + </p> + <p> + “I can believe it,” I breathed out. + </p> + <p> + “God only knows why they locked me in every night. To see some of their + faces you’d have thought they were afraid I’d go about at night strangling + people. Am I a murdering brute? Do I look it? By Jove! If I had been he + wouldn’t have trusted himself like that into my room. You’ll say I might + have chucked him aside and bolted out, there and then—it was dark + already. Well, no. And for the same reason I wouldn’t think of trying to + smash the door. There would have been a rush to stop me at the noise, and + I did not mean to get into a confounded scrimmage. Somebody else might + have got killed—for I would not have broken out only to get chucked + back, and I did not want any more of that work. He refused, looking more + sick than ever. He was afraid of the men, and also of that old second mate + of his who had been sailing with him for years—a gray-headed old + humbug; and his steward, too, had been with him devil knows how long—seventeen + years or more—a dogmatic sort of loafer who hated me like poison, + just because I was the chief mate. No chief mate ever made more than one + voyage in the Sephora, you know. Those two old chaps ran the ship. Devil + only knows what the skipper wasn’t afraid of (all his nerve went to pieces + altogether in that hellish spell of bad weather we had)—of what the + law would do to him—of his wife, perhaps. Oh, yes! she’s on board. + Though I don’t think she would have meddled. She would have been only too + glad to have me out of the ship in any way. The ‘brand of Cain’ business, + don’t you see. That’s all right. I was ready enough to go off wandering on + the face of the earth—and that was price enough to pay for an Abel + of that sort. Anyhow, he wouldn’t listen to me. ‘This thing must take its + course. I represent the law here.’ He was shaking like a leaf. ‘So you + won’t?’ ‘No!’ ‘Then I hope you will be able to sleep on that,’ I said, and + turned my back on him. ‘I wonder that you can,’ cries he, and locks the + door. + </p> + <p> + “Well after that, I couldn’t. Not very well. That was three weeks ago. We + have had a slow passage through the Java Sea; drifted about Carimata for + ten days. When we anchored here they thought, I suppose, it was all right. + The nearest land (and that’s five miles) is the ship’s destination; the + consul would soon set about catching me; and there would have been no + object in holding to these islets there. I don’t suppose there’s a drop of + water on them. I don’t know how it was, but tonight that steward, after + bringing me my supper, went out to let me eat it, and left the door + unlocked. And I ate it—all there was, too. After I had finished I + strolled out on the quarter-deck. I don’t know that I meant to do + anything. A breath of fresh air was all I wanted, I believe. Then a sudden + temptation came over me. I kicked off my slippers and was in the water + before I had made up my mind fairly. Somebody heard the splash and they + raised an awful hullabaloo. ‘He’s gone! Lower the boats! He’s committed + suicide! No, he’s swimming.’ Certainly I was swimming. It’s not so easy + for a swimmer like me to commit suicide by drowning. I landed on the + nearest islet before the boat left the ship’s side. I heard them pulling + about in the dark, hailing, and so on, but after a bit they gave up. + Everything quieted down and the anchorage became still as death. I sat + down on a stone and began to think. I felt certain they would start + searching for me at daylight. There was no place to hide on those stony + things—and if there had been, what would have been the good? But now + I was clear of that ship, I was not going back. So after a while I took + off all my clothes, tied them up in a bundle with a stone inside, and + dropped them in the deep water on the outer side of that islet. That was + suicide enough for me. Let them think what they liked, but I didn’t mean + to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank—but that’s not the same + thing. I struck out for another of these little islands, and it was from + that one that I first saw your riding light. Something to swim for. I went + on easily, and on the way I came upon a flat rock a foot or two above + water. In the daytime, I dare say, you might make it out with a glass from + your poop. I scrambled up on it and rested myself for a bit. Then I made + another start. That last spell must have been over a mile.” + </p> + <p> + His whisper was getting fainter and fainter, and all the time he stared + straight out through the porthole, in which there was not even a star to + be seen. I had not interrupted him. There was something that made comment + impossible in his narrative, or perhaps in himself; a sort of feeling, a + quality, which I can’t find a name for. And when he ceased, all I found + was a futile whisper: “So you swam for our light?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes—straight for it. It was something to swim for. I couldn’t see + any stars low down because the coast was in the way, and I couldn’t see + the land, either. The water was like glass. One might have been swimming + in a confounded thousand-feet deep cistern with no place for scrambling + out anywhere; but what I didn’t like was the notion of swimming round and + round like a crazed bullock before I gave out; and as I didn’t mean to go + back... No. Do you see me being hauled back, stark naked, off one of these + little islands by the scruff of the neck and fighting like a wild beast? + Somebody would have got killed for certain, and I did not want any of + that. So I went on. Then your ladder—” + </p> + <p> + “Why didn’t you hail the ship?” I asked, a little louder. + </p> + <p> + He touched my shoulder lightly. Lazy footsteps came right over our heads + and stopped. The second mate had crossed from the other side of the poop + and might have been hanging over the rail for all we knew. + </p> + <p> + “He couldn’t hear us talking—could he?” My double breathed into my + very ear, anxiously. + </p> + <p> + His anxiety was in answer, a sufficient answer, to the question I had put + to him. An answer containing all the difficulty of that situation. I + closed the porthole quietly, to make sure. A louder word might have been + overheard. + </p> + <p> + “Who’s that?” he whispered then. + </p> + <p> + “My second mate. But I don’t know much more of the fellow than you do.” + </p> + <p> + And I told him a little about myself. I had been appointed to take charge + while I least expected anything of the sort, not quite a fortnight ago. I + didn’t know either the ship or the people. Hadn’t had the time in port to + look about me or size anybody up. And as to the crew, all they knew was + that I was appointed to take the ship home. For the rest, I was almost as + much of a stranger on board as himself, I said. And at the moment I felt + it most acutely. I felt that it would take very little to make me a + suspect person in the eyes of the ship’s company. + </p> + <p> + He had turned about meantime; and we, the two strangers in the ship, faced + each other in identical attitudes. + </p> + <p> + “Your ladder—” he murmured, after a silence. “Who’d have thought of + finding a ladder hanging over at night in a ship anchored out here! I felt + just then a very unpleasant faintness. After the life I’ve been leading + for nine weeks, anybody would have got out of condition. I wasn’t capable + of swimming round as far as your rudder chains. And, lo and behold! there + was a ladder to get hold of. After I gripped it I said to myself, ‘What’s + the good?’ When I saw a man’s head looking over I thought I would swim + away presently and leave him shouting—in whatever language it was. I + didn’t mind being looked at. I—I liked it. And then you speaking to + me so quietly—as if you had expected me—made me hold on a + little longer. It had been a confounded lonely time—I don’t mean + while swimming. I was glad to talk a little to somebody that didn’t belong + to the Sephora. As to asking for the captain, that was a mere impulse. It + could have been no use, with all the ship knowing about me and the other + people pretty certain to be round here in the morning. I don’t know—I + wanted to be seen, to talk with somebody, before I went on. I don’t know + what I would have said.... ‘Fine night, isn’t it?’ or something of the + sort.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you think they will be round here presently?” I asked with some + incredulity. + </p> + <p> + “Quite likely,” he said, faintly. + </p> + <p> + “He looked extremely haggard all of a sudden. His head rolled on his + shoulders. + </p> + <p> + “H’m. We shall see then. Meantime get into that bed,” I whispered. “Want + help? There.” + </p> + <p> + It was a rather high bed place with a set of drawers underneath. This + amazing swimmer really needed the lift I gave him by seizing his leg. He + tumbled in, rolled over on his back, and flung one arm across his eyes. + And then, with his face nearly hidden, he must have looked exactly as I + used to look in that bed. I gazed upon my other self for a while before + drawing across carefully the two green serge curtains which ran on a brass + rod. I thought for a moment of pinning them together for greater safety, + but I sat down on the couch, and once there I felt unwilling to rise and + hunt for a pin. I would do it in a moment. I was extremely tired, in a + peculiarly intimate way, by the strain of stealthiness, by the effort of + whispering and the general secrecy of this excitement. It was three + o’clock by now and I had been on my feet since nine, but I was not sleepy; + I could not have gone to sleep. I sat there, fagged out, looking at the + curtains, trying to clear my mind of the confused sensation of being in + two places at once, and greatly bothered by an exasperating knocking in my + head. It was a relief to discover suddenly that it was not in my head at + all, but on the outside of the door. Before I could collect myself the + words “Come in” were out of my mouth, and the steward entered with a tray, + bringing in my morning coffee. I had slept, after all, and I was so + frightened that I shouted, “This way! I am here, steward,” as though he + had been miles away. He put down the tray on the table next the couch and + only then said, very quietly, “I can see you are here, sir.” I felt him + give me a keen look, but I dared not meet his eyes just then. He must have + wondered why I had drawn the curtains of my bed before going to sleep on + the couch. He went out, hooking the door open as usual. + </p> + <p> + I heard the crew washing decks above me. I knew I would have been told at + once if there had been any wind. Calm, I thought, and I was doubly vexed. + Indeed, I felt dual more than ever. The steward reappeared suddenly in the + doorway. I jumped up from the couch so quickly that he gave a start. + </p> + <p> + “What do you want here?” + </p> + <p> + “Close your port, sir—they are washing decks.” + </p> + <p> + “It is closed,” I said, reddening. + </p> + <p> + “Very well, sir.” But he did not move from the doorway and returned my + stare in an extraordinary, equivocal manner for a time. Then his eyes + wavered, all his expression changed, and in a voice unusually gentle, + almost coaxingly: + </p> + <p> + “May I come in to take the empty cup away, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Of course!” I turned my back on him while he popped in and out. Then I + unhooked and closed the door and even pushed the bolt. This sort of thing + could not go on very long. The cabin was as hot as an oven, too. I took a + peep at my double, and discovered that he had not moved, his arm was still + over his eyes; but his chest heaved; his hair was wet; his chin glistened + with perspiration. I reached over him and opened the port. + </p> + <p> + “I must show myself on deck,” I reflected. + </p> + <p> + Of course, theoretically, I could do what I liked, with no one to say nay + to me within the whole circle of the horizon; but to lock my cabin door + and take the key away I did not dare. Directly I put my head out of the + companion I saw the group of my two officers, the second mate barefooted, + the chief mate in long India-rubber boots, near the break of the poop, and + the steward halfway down the poop ladder talking to them eagerly. He + happened to catch sight of me and dived, the second ran down on the + main-deck shouting some order or other, and the chief mate came to meet + me, touching his cap. + </p> + <p> + There was a sort of curiosity in his eye that I did not like. I don’t know + whether the steward had told them that I was “queer” only, or downright + drunk, but I know the man meant to have a good look at me. I watched him + coming with a smile which, as he got into point-blank range, took effect + and froze his very whiskers. I did not give him time to open his lips. + </p> + <p> + “Square the yards by lifts and braces before the hands go to breakfast.” + </p> + <p> + It was the first particular order I had given on board that ship; and I + stayed on deck to see it executed, too. I had felt the need of asserting + myself without loss of time. That sneering young cub got taken down a peg + or two on that occasion, and I also seized the opportunity of having a + good look at the face of every foremast man as they filed past me to go to + the after braces. At breakfast time, eating nothing myself, I presided + with such frigid dignity that the two mates were only too glad to escape + from the cabin as soon as decency permitted; and all the time the dual + working of my mind distracted me almost to the point of insanity. I was + constantly watching myself, my secret self, as dependent on my actions as + my own personality, sleeping in that bed, behind that door which faced me + as I sat at the head of the table. It was very much like being mad, only + it was worse because one was aware of it. + </p> + <p> + I had to shake him for a solid minute, but when at last he opened his eyes + it was in the full possession of his senses, with an inquiring look. + </p> + <p> + “All’s well so far,” I whispered. “Now you must vanish into the bathroom.” + </p> + <p> + He did so, as noiseless as a ghost, and then I rang for the steward, and + facing him boldly, directed him to tidy up my stateroom while I was having + my bath—“and be quick about it.” As my tone admitted of no excuses, + he said, “Yes, sir,” and ran off to fetch his dustpan and brushes. I took + a bath and did most of my dressing, splashing, and whistling softly for + the steward’s edification, while the secret sharer of my life stood drawn + up bolt upright in that little space, his face looking very sunken in + daylight, his eyelids lowered under the stern, dark line of his eyebrows + drawn together by a slight frown. + </p> + <p> + When I left him there to go back to my room the steward was finishing + dusting. I sent for the mate and engaged him in some insignificant + conversation. It was, as it were, trifling with the terrific character of + his whiskers; but my object was to give him an opportunity for a good look + at my cabin. And then I could at last shut, with a clear conscience, the + door of my stateroom and get my double back into the recessed part. There + was nothing else for it. He had to sit still on a small folding stool, + half smothered by the heavy coats hanging there. We listened to the + steward going into the bathroom out of the saloon, filling the water + bottles there, scrubbing the bath, setting things to rights, whisk, bang, + clatter—out again into the saloon—turn the key—click. + Such was my scheme for keeping my second self invisible. Nothing better + could be contrived under the circumstances. And there we sat; I at my + writing desk ready to appear busy with some papers, he behind me out of + sight of the door. It would not have been prudent to talk in daytime; and + I could not have stood the excitement of that queer sense of whispering to + myself. Now and then, glancing over my shoulder, I saw him far back there, + sitting rigidly on the low stool, his bare feet close together, his arms + folded, his head hanging on his breast—and perfectly still. Anybody + would have taken him for me. + </p> + <p> + I was fascinated by it myself. Every moment I had to glance over my + shoulder. I was looking at him when a voice outside the door said: + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Well!...” I kept my eyes on him, and so when the voice outside the door + announced, “There’s a ship’s boat coming our way, sir,” I saw him give a + start—the first movement he had made for hours. But he did not raise + his bowed head. + </p> + <p> + “All right. Get the ladder over.” + </p> + <p> + I hesitated. Should I whisper something to him? But what? His immobility + seemed to have been never disturbed. What could I tell him he did not know + already?... Finally I went on deck. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II + </h2> + <p> + The skipper of the Sephora had a thin red whisker all round his face, and + the sort of complexion that goes with hair of that color; also the + particular, rather smeary shade of blue in the eyes. He was not exactly a + showy figure; his shoulders were high, his stature but middling—one + leg slightly more bandy than the other. He shook hands, looking vaguely + around. A spiritless tenacity was his main characteristic, I judged. I + behaved with a politeness which seemed to disconcert him. Perhaps he was + shy. He mumbled to me as if he were ashamed of what he was saying; gave + his name (it was something like Archbold—but at this distance of + years I hardly am sure), his ship’s name, and a few other particulars of + that sort, in the manner of a criminal making a reluctant and doleful + confession. He had had terrible weather on the passage out—terrible—terrible—wife + aboard, too. + </p> + <p> + By this time we were seated in the cabin and the steward brought in a tray + with a bottle and glasses. “Thanks! No.” Never took liquor. Would have + some water, though. He drank two tumblerfuls. Terrible thirsty work. Ever + since daylight had been exploring the islands round his ship. + </p> + <p> + “What was that for—fun?” I asked, with an appearance of polite + interest. + </p> + <p> + “No!” He sighed. “Painful duty.” + </p> + <p> + As he persisted in his mumbling and I wanted my double to hear every word, + I hit upon the notion of informing him that I regretted to say I was hard + of hearing. + </p> + <p> + “Such a young man, too!” he nodded, keeping his smeary blue, unintelligent + eyes fastened upon me. “What was the cause of it—some disease?” he + inquired, without the least sympathy and as if he thought that, if so, I’d + got no more than I deserved. + </p> + <p> + “Yes; disease,” I admitted in a cheerful tone which seemed to shock him. + But my point was gained, because he had to raise his voice to give me his + tale. It is not worth while to record his version. It was just over two + months since all this had happened, and he had thought so much about it + that he seemed completely muddled as to its bearings, but still immensely + impressed. + </p> + <p> + “What would you think of such a thing happening on board your own ship? + I’ve had the Sephora for these fifteen years. I am a well-known + shipmaster.” + </p> + <p> + He was densely distressed—and perhaps I should have sympathized with + him if I had been able to detach my mental vision from the unsuspected + sharer of my cabin as though he were my second self. There he was on the + other side of the bulkhead, four or five feet from us, no more, as we sat + in the saloon. I looked politely at Captain Archbold (if that was his + name), but it was the other I saw, in a gray sleeping suit, seated on a + low stool, his bare feet close together, his arms folded, and every word + said between us falling into the ears of his dark head bowed on his chest. + </p> + <p> + “I have been at sea now, man and boy, for seven-and-thirty years, and I’ve + never heard of such a thing happening in an English ship. And that it + should be my ship. Wife on board, too.” + </p> + <p> + I was hardly listening to him. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t you think,” I said, “that the heavy sea which, you told me, came + aboard just then might have killed the man? I have seen the sheer weight + of a sea kill a man very neatly, by simply breaking his neck.” + </p> + <p> + “Good God!” he uttered, impressively, fixing his smeary blue eyes on me. + “The sea! No man killed by the sea ever looked like that.” He seemed + positively scandalized at my suggestion. And as I gazed at him certainly + not prepared for anything original on his part, he advanced his head close + to mine and thrust his tongue out at me so suddenly that I couldn’t help + starting back. + </p> + <p> + After scoring over my calmness in this graphic way he nodded wisely. If I + had seen the sight, he assured me, I would never forget it as long as I + lived. The weather was too bad to give the corpse a proper sea burial. So + next day at dawn they took it up on the poop, covering its face with a bit + of bunting; he read a short prayer, and then, just as it was, in its + oilskins and long boots, they launched it amongst those mountainous seas + that seemed ready every moment to swallow up the ship herself and the + terrified lives on board of her. + </p> + <p> + “That reefed foresail saved you,” I threw in. + </p> + <p> + “Under God—it did,” he exclaimed fervently. “It was by a special + mercy, I firmly believe, that it stood some of those hurricane squalls.” + </p> + <p> + “It was the setting of that sail which—” I began. + </p> + <p> + “God’s own hand in it,” he interrupted me. “Nothing less could have done + it. I don’t mind telling you that I hardly dared give the order. It seemed + impossible that we could touch anything without losing it, and then our + last hope would have been gone.” + </p> + <p> + The terror of that gale was on him yet. I let him go on for a bit, then + said, casually—as if returning to a minor subject: + </p> + <p> + “You were very anxious to give up your mate to the shore people, I + believe?” + </p> + <p> + He was. To the law. His obscure tenacity on that point had in it something + incomprehensible and a little awful; something, as it were, mystical, + quite apart from his anxiety that he should not be suspected of + “countenancing any doings of that sort.” Seven-and-thirty virtuous years + at sea, of which over twenty of immaculate command, and the last fifteen + in the Sephora, seemed to have laid him under some pitiless obligation. + </p> + <p> + “And you know,” he went on, groping shame-facedly amongst his feelings, “I + did not engage that young fellow. His people had some interest with my + owners. I was in a way forced to take him on. He looked very smart, very + gentlemanly, and all that. But do you know—I never liked him, + somehow. I am a plain man. You see, he wasn’t exactly the sort for the + chief mate of a ship like the Sephora.” + </p> + <p> + I had become so connected in thoughts and impressions with the secret + sharer of my cabin that I felt as if I, personally, were being given to + understand that I, too, was not the sort that would have done for the + chief mate of a ship like the Sephora. I had no doubt of it in my mind. + </p> + <p> + “Not at all the style of man. You understand,” he insisted, superfluously, + looking hard at me. + </p> + <p> + I smiled urbanely. He seemed at a loss for a while. + </p> + <p> + “I suppose I must report a suicide.” + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon?” + </p> + <p> + “Suicide! That’s what I’ll have to write to my owners directly I get in.” + </p> + <p> + “Unless you manage to recover him before tomorrow,” I assented, + dispassionately.... “I mean, alive.” + </p> + <p> + He mumbled something which I really did not catch, and I turned my ear to + him in a puzzled manner. He fairly bawled: + </p> + <p> + “The land—I say, the mainland is at least seven miles off my + anchorage.” + </p> + <p> + “About that.” + </p> + <p> + My lack of excitement, of curiosity, of surprise, of any sort of + pronounced interest, began to arouse his distrust. But except for the + felicitous pretense of deafness I had not tried to pretend anything. I had + felt utterly incapable of playing the part of ignorance properly, and + therefore was afraid to try. It is also certain that he had brought some + ready-made suspicions with him, and that he viewed my politeness as a + strange and unnatural phenomenon. And yet how else could I have received + him? Not heartily! That was impossible for psychological reasons, which I + need not state here. My only object was to keep off his inquiries. + Surlily? Yes, but surliness might have provoked a point-blank question. + From its novelty to him and from its nature, punctilious courtesy was the + manner best calculated to restrain the man. But there was the danger of + his breaking through my defense bluntly. I could not, I think, have met + him by a direct lie, also for psychological (not moral) reasons. If he had + only known how afraid I was of his putting my feeling of identity with the + other to the test! But, strangely enough—(I thought of it only + afterwards)—I believe that he was not a little disconcerted by the + reverse side of that weird situation, by something in me that reminded him + of the man he was seeking—suggested a mysterious similitude to the + young fellow he had distrusted and disliked from the first. + </p> + <p> + However that might have been, the silence was not very prolonged. He took + another oblique step. + </p> + <p> + “I reckon I had no more than a two-mile pull to your ship. Not a bit + more.” + </p> + <p> + “And quite enough, too, in this awful heat,” I said. + </p> + <p> + Another pause full of mistrust followed. Necessity, they say, is mother of + invention, but fear, too, is not barren of ingenious suggestions. And I + was afraid he would ask me point-blank for news of my other self. + </p> + <p> + “Nice little saloon, isn’t it?” I remarked, as if noticing for the first + time the way his eyes roamed from one closed door to the other. “And very + well fitted out, too. Here, for instance,” I continued, reaching over the + back of my seat negligently and flinging the door open, “is my bathroom.” + </p> + <p> + He made an eager movement, but hardly gave it a glance. I got up, shut the + door of the bathroom, and invited him to have a look round, as if I were + very proud of my accommodation. He had to rise and be shown round, but he + went through the business without any raptures whatever. + </p> + <p> + “And now we’ll have a look at my stateroom,” I declared, in a voice as + loud as I dared to make it, crossing the cabin to the starboard side with + purposely heavy steps. + </p> + <p> + He followed me in and gazed around. My intelligent double had vanished. I + played my part. + </p> + <p> + “Very convenient—isn’t it?” + </p> + <p> + “Very nice. Very comf...” He didn’t finish and went out brusquely as if to + escape from some unrighteous wiles of mine. But it was not to be. I had + been too frightened not to feel vengeful; I felt I had him on the run, and + I meant to keep him on the run. My polite insistence must have had + something menacing in it, because he gave in suddenly. And I did not let + him off a single item; mate’s room, pantry, storerooms, the very sail + locker which was also under the poop—he had to look into them all. + When at last I showed him out on the quarter-deck he drew a long, + spiritless sigh, and mumbled dismally that he must really be going back to + his ship now. I desired my mate, who had joined us, to see to the + captain’s boat. + </p> + <p> + The man of whiskers gave a blast on the whistle which he used to wear + hanging round his neck, and yelled, “Sephora’s away!” My double down there + in my cabin must have heard, and certainly could not feel more relieved + than I. Four fellows came running out from somewhere forward and went over + the side, while my own men, appearing on deck too, lined the rail. I + escorted my visitor to the gangway ceremoniously, and nearly overdid it. + He was a tenacious beast. On the very ladder he lingered, and in that + unique, guiltily conscientious manner of sticking to the point: + </p> + <p> + “I say... you... you don’t think that—” + </p> + <p> + I covered his voice loudly: + </p> + <p> + “Certainly not.... I am delighted. Good-by.” + </p> + <p> + I had an idea of what he meant to say, and just saved myself by the + privilege of defective hearing. He was too shaken generally to insist, but + my mate, close witness of that parting, looked mystified and his face took + on a thoughtful cast. As I did not want to appear as if I wished to avoid + all communication with my officers, he had the opportunity to address me. + </p> + <p> + “Seems a very nice man. His boat’s crew told our chaps a very + extraordinary story, if what I am told by the steward is true. I suppose + you had it from the captain, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes. I had a story from the captain.” + </p> + <p> + “A very horrible affair—isn’t it, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “It is.” + </p> + <p> + “Beats all these tales we hear about murders in Yankee ships.” + </p> + <p> + “I don’t think it beats them. I don’t think it resembles them in the + least.” + </p> + <p> + “Bless my soul—you don’t say so! But of course I’ve no acquaintance + whatever with American ships, not I, so I couldn’t go against your + knowledge. It’s horrible enough for me.... But the queerest part is that + those fellows seemed to have some idea the man was hidden aboard here. + They had really. Did you ever hear of such a thing?” + </p> + <p> + “Preposterous—isn’t it?” + </p> + <p> + We were walking to and fro athwart the quarter-deck. No one of the crew + forward could be seen (the day was Sunday), and the mate pursued: + </p> + <p> + “There was some little dispute about it. Our chaps took offense. ‘As if we + would harbor a thing like that,’ they said. ‘Wouldn’t you like to look for + him in our coal-hole?’ Quite a tiff. But they made it up in the end. I + suppose he did drown himself. Don’t you, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “I don’t suppose anything.” + </p> + <p> + “You have no doubt in the matter, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “None whatever.” + </p> + <p> + I left him suddenly. I felt I was producing a bad impression, but with my + double down there it was most trying to be on deck. And it was almost as + trying to be below. Altogether a nerve-trying situation. But on the whole + I felt less torn in two when I was with him. There was no one in the whole + ship whom I dared take into my confidence. Since the hands had got to know + his story, it would have been impossible to pass him off for anyone else, + and an accidental discovery was to be dreaded now more than ever.... + </p> + <p> + The steward being engaged in laying the table for dinner, we could talk + only with our eyes when I first went down. Later in the afternoon we had a + cautious try at whispering. The Sunday quietness of the ship was against + us; the stillness of air and water around her was against us; the + elements, the men were against us—everything was against us in our + secret partnership; time itself—for this could not go on forever. + The very trust in Providence was, I suppose, denied to his guilt. Shall I + confess that this thought cast me down very much? And as to the chapter of + accidents which counts for so much in the book of success, I could only + hope that it was closed. For what favorable accident could be expected? + </p> + <p> + “Did you hear everything?” were my first words as soon as we took up our + position side by side, leaning over my bed place. + </p> + <p> + He had. And the proof of it was his earnest whisper, “The man told you he + hardly dared to give the order.” + </p> + <p> + I understood the reference to be to that saving foresail. + </p> + <p> + “Yes. He was afraid of it being lost in the setting.” + </p> + <p> + “I assure you he never gave the order. He may think he did, but he never + gave it. He stood there with me on the break of the poop after the main + topsail blew away, and whimpered about our last hope—positively + whimpered about it and nothing else—and the night coming on! To hear + one’s skipper go on like that in such weather was enough to drive any + fellow out of his mind. It worked me up into a sort of desperation. I just + took it into my own hands and went away from him, boiling, and—But + what’s the use telling you? <i>You</i> know!... Do you think that if I had + not been pretty fierce with them I should have got the men to do anything? + Not I! The bo’s’n perhaps? Perhaps! It wasn’t a heavy sea—it was a + sea gone mad! I suppose the end of the world will be something like that; + and a man may have the heart to see it coming once and be done with it—but + to have to face it day after day—I don’t blame anybody. I was + precious little better than the rest. Only—I was an officer of that + old coal wagon, anyhow—” + </p> + <p> + “I quite understand,” I conveyed that sincere assurance into his ear. He + was out of breath with whispering; I could hear him pant slightly. It was + all very simple. The same strung-up force which had given twenty-four men + a chance, at least, for their lives, had, in a sort of recoil, crushed an + unworthy mutinous existence. + </p> + <p> + But I had no leisure to weigh the merits of the matter—footsteps in + the saloon, a heavy knock. “There’s enough wind to get under way with, + sir.” Here was the call of a new claim upon my thoughts and even upon my + feelings. + </p> + <p> + “Turn the hands up,” I cried through the door. “I’ll be on deck directly.” + </p> + <p> + I was going out to make the acquaintance of my ship. Before I left the + cabin our eyes met—the eyes of the only two strangers on board. I + pointed to the recessed part where the little campstool awaited him and + laid my finger on my lips. He made a gesture—somewhat vague—a + little mysterious, accompanied by a faint smile, as if of regret. + </p> + <p> + This is not the place to enlarge upon the sensations of a man who feels + for the first time a ship move under his feet to his own independent word. + In my case they were not unalloyed. I was not wholly alone with my + command; for there was that stranger in my cabin. Or rather, I was not + completely and wholly with her. Part of me was absent. That mental feeling + of being in two places at once affected me physically as if the mood of + secrecy had penetrated my very soul. Before an hour had elapsed since the + ship had begun to move, having occasion to ask the mate (he stood by my + side) to take a compass bearing of the pagoda, I caught myself reaching up + to his ear in whispers. I say I caught myself, but enough had escaped to + startle the man. I can’t describe it otherwise than by saying that he + shied. A grave, preoccupied manner, as though he were in possession of + some perplexing intelligence, did not leave him henceforth. A little later + I moved away from the rail to look at the compass with such a stealthy + gait that the helmsman noticed it—and I could not help noticing the + unusual roundness of his eyes. These are trifling instances, though it’s + to no commander’s advantage to be suspected of ludicrous eccentricities. + But I was also more seriously affected. There are to a seaman certain + words, gestures, that should in given conditions come as naturally, as + instinctively as the winking of a menaced eye. A certain order should + spring on to his lips without thinking; a certain sign should get itself + made, so to speak, without reflection. But all unconscious alertness had + abandoned me. I had to make an effort of will to recall myself back (from + the cabin) to the conditions of the moment. I felt that I was appearing an + irresolute commander to those people who were watching me more or less + critically. + </p> + <p> + And, besides, there were the scares. On the second day out, for instance, + coming off the deck in the afternoon (I had straw slippers on my bare + feet) I stopped at the open pantry door and spoke to the steward. He was + doing something there with his back to me. At the sound of my voice he + nearly jumped out of his skin, as the saying is, and incidentally broke a + cup. + </p> + <p> + “What on earth’s the matter with you?” I asked, astonished. + </p> + <p> + He was extremely confused. “Beg your pardon, sir. I made sure you were in + your cabin.” + </p> + <p> + “You see I wasn’t.” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir. I could have sworn I had heard you moving in there not a moment + ago. It’s most extraordinary... very sorry, sir.” + </p> + <p> + I passed on with an inward shudder. I was so identified with my secret + double that I did not even mention the fact in those scanty, fearful + whispers we exchanged. I suppose he had made some slight noise of some + kind or other. It would have been miraculous if he hadn’t at one time or + another. And yet, haggard as he appeared, he looked always perfectly + self-controlled, more than calm—almost invulnerable. On my + suggestion he remained almost entirely in the bathroom, which, upon the + whole, was the safest place. There could be really no shadow of an excuse + for anyone ever wanting to go in there, once the steward had done with it. + It was a very tiny place. Sometimes he reclined on the floor, his legs + bent, his head sustained on one elbow. At others I would find him on the + campstool, sitting in his gray sleeping suit and with his cropped dark + hair like a patient, unmoved convict. At night I would smuggle him into my + bed place, and we would whisper together, with the regular footfalls of + the officer of the watch passing and repassing over our heads. It was an + infinitely miserable time. It was lucky that some tins of fine preserves + were stowed in a locker in my stateroom; hard bread I could always get + hold of; and so he lived on stewed chicken, <i>Pate de Foie Gras</i>, + asparagus, cooked oysters, sardines—on all sorts of abominable sham + delicacies out of tins. My early-morning coffee he always drank; and it + was all I dared do for him in that respect. + </p> + <p> + Every day there was the horrible maneuvering to go through so that my room + and then the bathroom should be done in the usual way. I came to hate the + sight of the steward, to abhor the voice of that harmless man. I felt that + it was he who would bring on the disaster of discovery. It hung like a + sword over our heads. + </p> + <p> + The fourth day out, I think (we were then working down the east side of + the Gulf of Siam, tack for tack, in light winds and smooth water)—the + fourth day, I say, of this miserable juggling with the unavoidable, as we + sat at our evening meal, that man, whose slightest movement I dreaded, + after putting down the dishes ran up on deck busily. This could not be + dangerous. Presently he came down again; and then it appeared that he had + remembered a coat of mine which I had thrown over a rail to dry after + having been wetted in a shower which had passed over the ship in the + afternoon. Sitting stolidly at the head of the table I became terrified at + the sight of the garment on his arm. Of course he made for my door. There + was no time to lose. + </p> + <p> + “Steward,” I thundered. My nerves were so shaken that I could not govern + my voice and conceal my agitation. This was the sort of thing that made my + terrifically whiskered mate tap his forehead with his forefinger. I had + detected him using that gesture while talking on deck with a confidential + air to the carpenter. It was too far to hear a word, but I had no doubt + that this pantomime could only refer to the strange new captain. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” the pale-faced steward turned resignedly to me. It was this + maddening course of being shouted at, checked without rhyme or reason, + arbitrarily chased out of my cabin, suddenly called into it, sent flying + out of his pantry on incomprehensible errands, that accounted for the + growing wretchedness of his expression. + </p> + <p> + “Where are you going with that coat?” + </p> + <p> + “To your room, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Is there another shower coming?” + </p> + <p> + “I’m sure I don’t know, sir. Shall I go up again and see, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “No! never mind.” + </p> + <p> + My object was attained, as of course my other self in there would have + heard everything that passed. During this interlude my two officers never + raised their eyes off their respective plates; but the lip of that + confounded cub, the second mate, quivered visibly. + </p> + <p> + I expected the steward to hook my coat on and come out at once. He was + very slow about it; but I dominated my nervousness sufficiently not to + shout after him. Suddenly I became aware (it could be heard plainly + enough) that the fellow for some reason or other was opening the door of + the bathroom. It was the end. The place was literally not big enough to + swing a cat in. My voice died in my throat and I went stony all over. I + expected to hear a yell of surprise and terror, and made a movement, but + had not the strength to get on my legs. Everything remained still. Had my + second self taken the poor wretch by the throat? I don’t know what I could + have done next moment if I had not seen the steward come out of my room, + close the door, and then stand quietly by the sideboard. + </p> + <p> + “Saved,” I thought. “But, no! Lost! Gone! He was gone!” + </p> + <p> + I laid my knife and fork down and leaned back in my chair. My head swam. + After a while, when sufficiently recovered to speak in a steady voice, I + instructed my mate to put the ship round at eight o’clock himself. + </p> + <p> + “I won’t come on deck,” I went on. “I think I’ll turn in, and unless the + wind shifts I don’t want to be disturbed before midnight. I feel a bit + seedy.” + </p> + <p> + “You did look middling bad a little while ago,” the chief mate remarked + without showing any great concern. + </p> + <p> + They both went out, and I stared at the steward clearing the table. There + was nothing to be read on that wretched man’s face. But why did he avoid + my eyes, I asked myself. Then I thought I should like to hear the sound of + his voice. + </p> + <p> + “Steward!” + </p> + <p> + “Sir!” Startled as usual. + </p> + <p> + “Where did you hang up that coat?” + </p> + <p> + “In the bathroom, sir.” The usual anxious tone. “It’s not quite dry yet, + sir.” + </p> + <p> + For some time longer I sat in the cuddy. Had my double vanished as he had + come? But of his coming there was an explanation, whereas his + disappearance would be inexplicable.... I went slowly into my dark room, + shut the door, lighted the lamp, and for a time dared not turn round. When + at last I did I saw him standing bolt-upright in the narrow recessed part. + It would not be true to say I had a shock, but an irresistible doubt of + his bodily existence flitted through my mind. Can it be, I asked myself, + that he is not visible to other eyes than mine? It was like being haunted. + Motionless, with a grave face, he raised his hands slightly at me in a + gesture which meant clearly, “Heavens! what a narrow escape!” Narrow + indeed. I think I had come creeping quietly as near insanity as any man + who has not actually gone over the border. That gesture restrained me, so + to speak. + </p> + <p> + The mate with the terrific whiskers was now putting the ship on the other + tack. In the moment of profound silence which follows upon the hands going + to their stations I heard on the poop his raised voice: “Hard alee!” and + the distant shout of the order repeated on the main-deck. The sails, in + that light breeze, made but a faint fluttering noise. It ceased. The ship + was coming round slowly: I held my breath in the renewed stillness of + expectation; one wouldn’t have thought that there was a single living soul + on her decks. A sudden brisk shout, “Mainsail haul!” broke the spell, and + in the noisy cries and rush overhead of the men running away with the main + brace we two, down in my cabin, came together in our usual position by the + bed place. + </p> + <p> + He did not wait for my question. “I heard him fumbling here and just + managed to squat myself down in the bath,” he whispered to me. “The fellow + only opened the door and put his arm in to hang the coat up. All the same—” + </p> + <p> + “I never thought of that,” I whispered back, even more appalled than + before at the closeness of the shave, and marveling at that something + unyielding in his character which was carrying him through so finely. + There was no agitation in his whisper. Whoever was being driven + distracted, it was not he. He was sane. And the proof of his sanity was + continued when he took up the whispering again. + </p> + <p> + “It would never do for me to come to life again.” + </p> + <p> + It was something that a ghost might have said. But what he was alluding to + was his old captain’s reluctant admission of the theory of suicide. It + would obviously serve his turn—if I had understood at all the view + which seemed to govern the unalterable purpose of his action. + </p> + <p> + “You must maroon me as soon as ever you can get amongst these islands off + the Cambodge shore,” he went on. + </p> + <p> + “Maroon you! We are not living in a boy’s adventure tale,” I protested. + His scornful whispering took me up. + </p> + <p> + “We aren’t indeed! There’s nothing of a boy’s tale in this. But there’s + nothing else for it. I want no more. You don’t suppose I am afraid of what + can be done to me? Prison or gallows or whatever they may please. But you + don’t see me coming back to explain such things to an old fellow in a wig + and twelve respectable tradesmen, do you? What can they know whether I am + guilty or not—or of <i>what</i> I am guilty, either? That’s my + affair. What does the Bible say? ‘Driven off the face of the earth.’ Very + well, I am off the face of the earth now. As I came at night so I shall + go.” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible!” I murmured. “You can’t.” + </p> + <p> + “Can’t?... Not naked like a soul on the Day of Judgment. I shall freeze on + to this sleeping suit. The Last Day is not yet—and... you have + understood thoroughly. Didn’t you?” + </p> + <p> + I felt suddenly ashamed of myself. I may say truly that I understood—and + my hesitation in letting that man swim away from my ship’s side had been a + mere sham sentiment, a sort of cowardice. + </p> + <p> + “It can’t be done now till next night,” I breathed out. “The ship is on + the off-shore tack and the wind may fail us.” + </p> + <p> + “As long as I know that you understand,” he whispered. “But of course you + do. It’s a great satisfaction to have got somebody to understand. You seem + to have been there on purpose.” And in the same whisper, as if we two + whenever we talked had to say things to each other which were not fit for + the world to hear, he added, “It’s very wonderful.” + </p> + <p> + We remained side by side talking in our secret way—but sometimes + silent or just exchanging a whispered word or two at long intervals. And + as usual he stared through the port. A breath of wind came now and again + into our faces. The ship might have been moored in dock, so gently and on + an even keel she slipped through the water, that did not murmur even at + our passage, shadowy and silent like a phantom sea. + </p> + <p> + At midnight I went on deck, and to my mate’s great surprise put the ship + round on the other tack. His terrible whiskers flitted round me in silent + criticism. I certainly should not have done it if it had been only a + question of getting out of that sleepy gulf as quickly as possible. I + believe he told the second mate, who relieved him, that it was a great + want of judgment. The other only yawned. That intolerable cub shuffled + about so sleepily and lolled against the rails in such a slack, improper + fashion that I came down on him sharply. + </p> + <p> + “Aren’t you properly awake yet?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir! I am awake.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, be good enough to hold yourself as if you were. And keep a + lookout. If there’s any current we’ll be closing with some islands before + daylight.” + </p> + <p> + The east side of the gulf is fringed with islands, some solitary, others + in groups. On the blue background of the high coast they seem to float on + silvery patches of calm water, arid and gray, or dark green and rounded + like clumps of evergreen bushes, with the larger ones, a mile or two long, + showing the outlines of ridges, ribs of gray rock under the dark mantle of + matted leafage. Unknown to trade, to travel, almost to geography, the + manner of life they harbor is an unsolved secret. There must be villages—settlements + of fishermen at least—on the largest of them, and some communication + with the world is probably kept up by native craft. But all that forenoon, + as we headed for them, fanned along by the faintest of breezes, I saw no + sign of man or canoe in the field of the telescope I kept on pointing at + the scattered group. + </p> + <p> + At noon I gave no orders for a change of course, and the mate’s whiskers + became much concerned and seemed to be offering themselves unduly to my + notice. At last I said: + </p> + <p> + “I am going to stand right in. Quite in—as far as I can take her.” + </p> + <p> + The stare of extreme surprise imparted an air of ferocity also to his + eyes, and he looked truly terrific for a moment. + </p> + <p> + “We’re not doing well in the middle of the gulf,” I continued, casually. + “I am going to look for the land breezes tonight.” + </p> + <p> + “Bless my soul! Do you mean, sir, in the dark amongst the lot of all them + islands and reefs and shoals?” + </p> + <p> + “Well—if there are any regular land breezes at all on this coast one + must get close inshore to find them, mustn’t one?” + </p> + <p> + “Bless my soul!” he exclaimed again under his breath. All that afternoon + he wore a dreamy, contemplative appearance which in him was a mark of + perplexity. After dinner I went into my stateroom as if I meant to take + some rest. There we two bent our dark heads over a half-unrolled chart + lying on my bed. + </p> + <p> + “There,” I said. “It’s got to be Koh-ring. I’ve been looking at it ever + since sunrise. It has got two hills and a low point. It must be inhabited. + And on the coast opposite there is what looks like the mouth of a biggish + river—with some towns, no doubt, not far up. It’s the best chance + for you that I can see.” + </p> + <p> + “Anything. Koh-ring let it be.” + </p> + <p> + He looked thoughtfully at the chart as if surveying chances and distances + from a lofty height—and following with his eyes his own figure + wandering on the blank land of Cochin-China, and then passing off that + piece of paper clean out of sight into uncharted regions. And it was as if + the ship had two captains to plan her course for her. I had been so + worried and restless running up and down that I had not had the patience + to dress that day. I had remained in my sleeping suit, with straw slippers + and a soft floppy hat. The closeness of the heat in the gulf had been most + oppressive, and the crew were used to seeing me wandering in that airy + attire. + </p> + <p> + “She will clear the south point as she heads now,” I whispered into his + ear. “Goodness only knows when, though, but certainly after dark. I’ll + edge her in to half a mile, as far as I may be able to judge in the dark—” + </p> + <p> + “Be careful,” he murmured, warningly—and I realized suddenly that + all my future, the only future for which I was fit, would perhaps go + irretrievably to pieces in any mishap to my first command. + </p> + <p> + I could not stop a moment longer in the room. I motioned him to get out of + sight and made my way on the poop. That unplayful cub had the watch. I + walked up and down for a while thinking things out, then beckoned him + over. + </p> + <p> + “Send a couple of hands to open the two quarter-deck ports,” I said, + mildly. + </p> + <p> + He actually had the impudence, or else so forgot himself in his wonder at + such an incomprehensible order, as to repeat: + </p> + <p> + “Open the quarter-deck ports! What for, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “The only reason you need concern yourself about is because I tell you to + do so. Have them open wide and fastened properly.” + </p> + <p> + He reddened and went off, but I believe made some jeering remark to the + carpenter as to the sensible practice of ventilating a ship’s + quarter-deck. I know he popped into the mate’s cabin to impart the fact to + him because the whiskers came on deck, as it were by chance, and stole + glances at me from below—for signs of lunacy or drunkenness, I + suppose. + </p> + <p> + A little before supper, feeling more restless than ever, I rejoined, for a + moment, my second self. And to find him sitting so quietly was surprising, + like something against nature, inhuman. + </p> + <p> + I developed my plan in a hurried whisper. + </p> + <p> + “I shall stand in as close as I dare and then put her round. I will + presently find means to smuggle you out of here into the sail locker, + which communicates with the lobby. But there is an opening, a sort of + square for hauling the sails out, which gives straight on the quarter-deck + and which is never closed in fine weather, so as to give air to the sails. + When the ship’s way is deadened in stays and all the hands are aft at the + main braces you will have a clear road to slip out and get overboard + through the open quarter-deck port. I’ve had them both fastened up. Use a + rope’s end to lower yourself into the water so as to avoid a splash—you + know. It could be heard and cause some beastly complication.” + </p> + <p> + He kept silent for a while, then whispered, “I understand.” + </p> + <p> + “I won’t be there to see you go,” I began with an effort. “The rest ... I + only hope I have understood, too.” + </p> + <p> + “You have. From first to last”—and for the first time there seemed + to be a faltering, something strained in his whisper. He caught hold of my + arm, but the ringing of the supper bell made me start. He didn’t though; + he only released his grip. + </p> + <p> + After supper I didn’t come below again till well past eight o’clock. The + faint, steady breeze was loaded with dew; and the wet, darkened sails held + all there was of propelling power in it. The night, clear and starry, + sparkled darkly, and the opaque, lightless patches shifting slowly against + the low stars were the drifting islets. On the port bow there was a big + one more distant and shadowily imposing by the great space of sky it + eclipsed. + </p> + <p> + On opening the door I had a back view of my very own self looking at a + chart. He had come out of the recess and was standing near the table. + </p> + <p> + “Quite dark enough,” I whispered. + </p> + <p> + He stepped back and leaned against my bed with a level, quiet glance. I + sat on the couch. We had nothing to say to each other. Over our heads the + officer of the watch moved here and there. Then I heard him move quickly. + I knew what that meant. He was making for the companion; and presently his + voice was outside my door. + </p> + <p> + “We are drawing in pretty fast, sir. Land looks rather close.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well,” I answered. “I am coming on deck directly.” + </p> + <p> + I waited till he was gone out of the cuddy, then rose. My double moved + too. The time had come to exchange our last whispers, for neither of us + was ever to hear each other’s natural voice. + </p> + <p> + “Look here!” I opened a drawer and took out three sovereigns. “Take this + anyhow. I’ve got six and I’d give you the lot, only I must keep a little + money to buy some fruit and vegetables for the crew from native boats as + we go through Sunda Straits.” + </p> + <p> + He shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “Take it,” I urged him, whispering desperately. “No one can tell what—” + </p> + <p> + He smiled and slapped meaningly the only pocket of the sleeping jacket. It + was not safe, certainly. But I produced a large old silk handkerchief of + mine, and tying the three pieces of gold in a corner, pressed it on him. + He was touched, I supposed, because he took it at last and tied it quickly + round his waist under the jacket, on his bare skin. + </p> + <p> + Our eyes met; several seconds elapsed, till, our glances still mingled, I + extended my hand and turned the lamp out. Then I passed through the cuddy, + leaving the door of my room wide open.... “Steward!” + </p> + <p> + He was still lingering in the pantry in the greatness of his zeal, giving + a rub-up to a plated cruet stand the last thing before going to bed. Being + careful not to wake up the mate, whose room was opposite, I spoke in an + undertone. + </p> + <p> + He looked round anxiously. “Sir!” + </p> + <p> + “Can you get me a little hot water from the galley?” + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid, sir, the galley fire’s been out for some time now.” + </p> + <p> + “Go and see.” + </p> + <p> + He flew up the stairs. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” I whispered, loudly, into the saloon—too loudly, perhaps, but + I was afraid I couldn’t make a sound. He was by my side in an instant—the + double captain slipped past the stairs—through a tiny dark passage + ... a sliding door. We were in the sail locker, scrambling on our knees + over the sails. A sudden thought struck me. I saw myself wandering + barefooted, bareheaded, the sun beating on my dark poll. I snatched off my + floppy hat and tried hurriedly in the dark to ram it on my other self. He + dodged and fended off silently. I wonder what he thought had come to me + before he understood and suddenly desisted. Our hands met gropingly, + lingered united in a steady, motionless clasp for a second. ... No word + was breathed by either of us when they separated. + </p> + <p> + I was standing quietly by the pantry door when the steward returned. + </p> + <p> + “Sorry, sir. Kettle barely warm. Shall I light the spirit lamp?” + </p> + <p> + “Never mind.” + </p> + <p> + I came out on deck slowly. It was now a matter of conscience to shave the + land as close as possible—for now he must go overboard whenever the + ship was put in stays. Must! There could be no going back for him. After a + moment I walked over to leeward and my heart flew into my mouth at the + nearness of the land on the bow. Under any other circumstances I would not + have held on a minute longer. The second mate had followed me anxiously. + </p> + <p> + I looked on till I felt I could command my voice. + </p> + <p> + “She will weather,” I said then in a quiet tone. + </p> + <p> + “Are you going to try that, sir?” he stammered out incredulously. + </p> + <p> + I took no notice of him and raised my tone just enough to be heard by the + helmsman. + </p> + <p> + “Keep her good full.” + </p> + <p> + “Good full, sir.” + </p> + <p> + The wind fanned my cheek, the sails slept, the world was silent. The + strain of watching the dark loom of the land grow bigger and denser was + too much for me. I had shut my eyes—because the ship must go closer. + She must! The stillness was intolerable. Were we standing still? + </p> + <p> + When I opened my eyes the second view started my heart with a thump. The + black southern hill of Koh-ring seemed to hang right over the ship like a + towering fragment of everlasting night. On that enormous mass of blackness + there was not a gleam to be seen, not a sound to be heard. It was gliding + irresistibly towards us and yet seemed already within reach of the hand. I + saw the vague figures of the watch grouped in the waist, gazing in awed + silence. + </p> + <p> + “Are you going on, sir?” inquired an unsteady voice at my elbow. + </p> + <p> + I ignored it. I had to go on. + </p> + <p> + “Keep her full. Don’t check her way. That won’t do now,” I said warningly. + </p> + <p> + “I can’t see the sails very well,” the helmsman answered me, in strange, + quavering tones. + </p> + <p> + Was she close enough? Already she was, I won’t say in the shadow of the + land, but in the very blackness of it, already swallowed up as it were, + gone too close to be recalled, gone from me altogether. + </p> + <p> + “Give the mate a call,” I said to the young man who stood at my elbow as + still as death. “And turn all hands up.” + </p> + <p> + My tone had a borrowed loudness reverberated from the height of the land. + Several voices cried out together: “We are all on deck, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Then stillness again, with the great shadow gliding closer, towering + higher, without a light, without a sound. Such a hush had fallen on the + ship that she might have been a bark of the dead floating in slowly under + the very gate of Erebus. + </p> + <p> + “My God! Where are we?” + </p> + <p> + It was the mate moaning at my elbow. He was thunderstruck, and as it were + deprived of the moral support of his whiskers. He clapped his hands and + absolutely cried out, “Lost!” + </p> + <p> + “Be quiet,” I said, sternly. + </p> + <p> + He lowered his tone, but I saw the shadowy gesture of his despair. “What + are we doing here?” + </p> + <p> + “Looking for the land wind.” + </p> + <p> + He made as if to tear his hair, and addressed me recklessly. + </p> + <p> + “She will never get out. You have done it, sir. I knew it’d end in + something like this. She will never weather, and you are too close now to + stay. She’ll drift ashore before she’s round. Oh my God!” + </p> + <p> + I caught his arm as he was raising it to batter his poor devoted head, and + shook it violently. + </p> + <p> + “She’s ashore already,” he wailed, trying to tear himself away. + </p> + <p> + “Is she?... Keep good full there!” + </p> + <p> + “Good full, sir,” cried the helmsman in a frightened, thin, childlike + voice. + </p> + <p> + I hadn’t let go the mate’s arm and went on shaking it. “Ready about, do + you hear? You go forward”—shake—“and stop there”—shake—“and + hold your noise”—shake—“and see these head-sheets properly + overhauled”—shake, shake—shake. + </p> + <p> + And all the time I dared not look towards the land lest my heart should + fail me. I released my grip at last and he ran forward as if fleeing for + dear life. + </p> + <p> + I wondered what my double there in the sail locker thought of this + commotion. He was able to hear everything—and perhaps he was able to + understand why, on my conscience, it had to be thus close—no less. + My first order “Hard alee!” re-echoed ominously under the towering shadow + of Koh-ring as if I had shouted in a mountain gorge. And then I watched + the land intently. In that smooth water and light wind it was impossible + to feel the ship coming-to. No! I could not feel her. And my second self + was making now ready to ship out and lower himself overboard. Perhaps he + was gone already...? + </p> + <p> + The great black mass brooding over our very mastheads began to pivot away + from the ship’s side silently. And now I forgot the secret stranger ready + to depart, and remembered only that I was a total stranger to the ship. I + did not know her. Would she do it? How was she to be handled? + </p> + <p> + I swung the mainyard and waited helplessly. She was perhaps stopped, and + her very fate hung in the balance, with the black mass of Koh-ring like + the gate of the everlasting night towering over her taffrail. What would + she do now? Had she way on her yet? I stepped to the side swiftly, and on + the shadowy water I could see nothing except a faint phosphorescent flash + revealing the glassy smoothness of the sleeping surface. It was impossible + to tell—and I had not learned yet the feel of my ship. Was she + moving? What I needed was something easily seen, a piece of paper, which I + could throw overboard and watch. I had nothing on me. To run down for it I + didn’t dare. There was no time. All at once my strained, yearning stare + distinguished a white object floating within a yard of the ship’s side. + White on the black water. A phosphorescent flash passed under it. What was + that thing?... I recognized my own floppy hat. It must have fallen off his + head... and he didn’t bother. Now I had what I wanted—the saving + mark for my eyes. But I hardly thought of my other self, now gone from the + ship, to be hidden forever from all friendly faces, to be a fugitive and a + vagabond on the earth, with no brand of the curse on his sane forehead to + stay a slaying hand... too proud to explain. + </p> + <p> + And I watched the hat—the expression of my sudden pity for his mere + flesh. It had been meant to save his homeless head from the dangers of the + sun. And now—behold—it was saving the ship, by serving me for + a mark to help out the ignorance of my strangeness. Ha! It was drifting + forward, warning me just in time that the ship had gathered sternaway. + </p> + <p> + “Shift the helm,” I said in a low voice to the seaman standing still like + a statue. + </p> + <p> + The man’s eyes glistened wildly in the binnacle light as he jumped round + to the other side and spun round the wheel. + </p> + <p> + I walked to the break of the poop. On the over-shadowed deck all hands + stood by the forebraces waiting for my order. The stars ahead seemed to be + gliding from right to left. And all was so still in the world that I heard + the quiet remark, “She’s round,” passed in a tone of intense relief + between two seamen. + </p> + <p> + “Let go and haul.” + </p> + <p> + The foreyards ran round with a great noise, amidst cheery cries. And now + the frightful whiskers made themselves heard giving various orders. + Already the ship was drawing ahead. And I was alone with her. Nothing! no + one in the world should stand now between us, throwing a shadow on the way + of silent knowledge and mute affection, the perfect communion of a seaman + with his first command. + </p> + <p> + Walking to the taffrail, I was in time to make out, on the very edge of a + darkness thrown by a towering black mass like the very gateway of Erebus—yes, + I was in time to catch an evanescent glimpse of my white hat left behind + to mark the spot where the secret sharer of my cabin and of my thoughts, + as though he were my second self, had lowered himself into the water to + take his punishment: a free man, a proud swimmer striking out for a new + destiny. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Secret Sharer, by Joseph Conrad + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SECRET SHARER *** + +***** This file should be named 220-h.htm or 220-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/220/ + +Produced by Judith Boss and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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