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diff --git a/20538-8.txt b/20538-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8dc9cdf --- /dev/null +++ b/20538-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1533 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, +February 4, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, February 4, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: February 6, 2007 [EBook #20538] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 104. + + + + +February 4, 1893. + + + + +[Illustration: WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST. + +_Burglar_ (_taking the ground heavily_). "NAOW, 'OOEVER'D 'A' THOUGHT O' +THE HOWNER O' THAT THERE HINNERCENT LITTLE VILLA BEIN' A PERFESSIONAL +'CHUCKER-HOUT'?!!!"] + + * * * * * + +LAMENT OF THE (WOULD-BE) IRISH EMIGRANT. + +(_Latest Version, with apologies to Lady Dufferin._) + + [Senator CHANDLER, in _The North-American Review_, recommends that + immigration into the United States should be suspended, at least + for a year.] + + Oi'm sittin' on the stile, MARY, an' lookin' o'er the tide, + An' by jabers Oi'm afraid, Aroon, that there Oi'll _have_ to bide! + The grass is springin' fresh an' green in Ould Oireland, but oh moy! + If there's any green in JONATHAN'S land, _it is not in his oi_! + + The States are awful changed, MARY; it is not _now_ as _then_, + When they lifted a free latch-string to all exiled Oirishmen. + Now we miss the whoop ov welcome; they suggest it's loike our cheek, + And Oi'm listenin' for brave LOWELL'S words--which CHANDLER does _not_ + speak! + + It seems to me their Aigle for full Freedom no more pants, + And the Senator, he mutthers ov "degraded immigrants." + Says they can't "assimilate" us; faix, the wurrud sounds monstrous + foine, + But Oi fancy that it's maning is, "We mane to draw the loine!" + + Shure, we're "ignorant and debased," dear; and the poor won't now find + friends + Even in free Columbia! So 'tis thus the ould boast ends! + "Stop 'em--for a year," says CHANDLER; "we'll be holding our Big Show, + An' poverty, an'--well, Cholera, are not wanted _thin_, you know." + + It's an artful move, my MARY, but, it stroikes me, a bit thin, + And it won't come home consolin', to "the poor ov Adam's kin." + Faix! they won't stop 'cabin passengers,' big-wigs, an' British Peerage, + But--_they don't want the poor devils that crowd over in the steerage_! + + So Oi'm sittin' on the stile, MARY, and there Oi'll loikely sthop, + For they don't require poor PADDY in their big new CHANDLER'S Shop. + Uncle SAM'S some punkins, MARY, but he's not a great green goose; + An' he's goin' to sthop a braggin' ov that latch-string always loose! + + * * * * * + +MIXED NOTIONS--NO. IV. EGYPT. + + _Two_ Well-Informed Men, _an_ Inquirer, _and an_ Average Man, _in + suburban morning train to London_. + +_First Well-Informed Man_ (_reading his paper_). Oh, I say, dash it, +this'll never do. Here's this young KHEDIVE of Egypt kicking up a shine, +and dismissing British Ministers. We can't have that, you know. + +_Inquirer._ What Ministers has he dismissed? + +_First W. I. M._ Why, British Ministers,--at least (_reading on_) I mean +Egyptian Ministers; that's to say, chaps whom we appointed. + +_Second W. I. M._ Come, come, we couldn't appoint Egyptian Ministers, +could we? + +_First W. I. M._ Oh, it comes to exactly the same thing; they're +appointed subject to our proviso (_consulting paper_), yes, subject to +our veto, and then this little whipper-snapper goes and gives them the +chuck. He'll jolly soon have to climb down off that. + +_Average Man._ Gently! The young chap's King, after all, isn't he? I +thought Kings might appoint or dismiss Ministers as they liked. + +_First W. I. M._ Oh, rot! The QUEEN can't appoint her own Ministers. We +all know that. They're appointed by the Prime Minister. Any fool knows +that. + +_Inquirer._ But who appoints the Prime Minister? + +_First W. I. M._ He appoints himself, and tells the QUEEN he's done it. +They all go and kiss hands and get their seals, or something of that +sort. + +_Inquirer._ Of course, of course. I forgot that. But how about these +Egyptian beggars? + +_First W. I. M._ The KHEDIVE'S had the cheek to dismiss the Ministry, and +shove another lot in. I see Lord CROMER has been to the Palace to +protest. + +_Inquirer._ Lord CROMER! Who's he? + +_First W. I. M._ My dear fellow, fancy not knowing that! Lord CROMER'S +our Ambassador at Cairo. + +_Second W. I. M._ Oh, nonsense. There are no ambassadors at Cairo. + +_First W. I. M._ Aren't there? Oh, indeed. Well, then perhaps you'll tell +me what Lord CROMER is? + +_Second W. I. M._ He's our Minister. That's what they call them. + +_Inquirer._ Was it him the KHEDIVE dismissed, then? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_laughing heartily_). No, no; we haven't got to that +yet. He dismissed his own Johnnies, of course; Egyptians. Lord CROMER'S +the English Minister. + +_Average Man._ No, he isn't. He's the English Agent. + +_Second W. I. M._ Oh, well, it's the same thing. + +_First W. I. M._ (_taking his revenge_). No, it isn't at all the same +thing; it's a very different thing. A Minister's only just short of an +Ambassador, and an Agent (_pauses_)--well, he's something quite +different. I don't think he gets as much pay for one thing, and of course +he can't live in the Embassy. + +_Inquirer._ But who does live in the Embassy, then? + +_First W. I. M._ It's unoccupied, of course. + +_Average Man._ No, it isn't. There isn't any Embassy at all. [_A pause._ + +_Inquirer_ (_returning to the charge_). But look here, who _is_ Lord +CROMER? I never heard of him before. I thought we'd got BARING or +ROTHSCHILD, or somebody representing us in Egypt. + +_First W. I. M._ (_with smiling superiority_). My dear chap, you're +thinking of Sir EVELYN BARING. He left Egypt long ago. + +_Inquirer._ Why did he leave? + +_First W. I. M._ Old GLADSTONE gave him the sack. + +_Second W. I. M._ No, he didn't. GLADSTONE wasn't in power when BARING +left Egypt. It was SALISBURY who dismissed him. + +_First W. I. M._ I bet you a sov. it was GLADSTONE. + +_Second W. I. M._ And I bet you a sov. it was SALISBURY. + +_Average Man._ You'll both lose. It was neither. + +_First W. I. M._, _Second W. I. M._ (_together_). Bosh! That's +impossible. + +_Average Man._ It's a fact. + +_First W. I. M._ (_triumphant_). Well, how do you account for his not +being there now? + +_Average Man._ He is there. + +_First W. I. M._ He isn't. Lord CROMER'S there. Here it is. (_Producing +Times._) "Lord CROMER has protested in person." So come! + +_Average Man._ All right. I know all that. Only, unfortunately, they're +one and the same person. + +_First W. I. M._, _Second W. I. M._ (_together_). Oh, I daresay; and you +think we're going to swallow that. You tell that to your Grandmother! +[_Both remain absolutely unconvinced._ + +_Inquirer._ But what's this about the French? What have they got to do +with it? + +_Second W. I. M._ Oh, they've got their fingers in every pie; always +making mischief. + +_First W. I. M._ Quite true; but they'll find we're going to sit tight in +spite of them, so the sooner they cart themselves and their blessed old +Pyramids out of the country the better. + +_Inquirer._ Why should they take the Pyramids? + +_First W. I. M._ Well, they built 'em, so I suppose they've got a right +to do what they like with them. + +_Inquirer._ Of course. [_Terminus._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "H.M.S. 'TOKO.'" + +_Nurse Britannia._ "ALLOW ME TO INFORM YOUR HIGHNESS HERE COMES A BOX OF +SOLDIERS YOU _MUSTN'T_ PLAY WITH."] + + * * * * * + +_The Red Spider_, by BARING GOULD, is to be dramatised. What a chance +this would have been for the "Brothers WEBB," were they still in +stage-land. + + * * * * * + +SOLE SURVIVORS.--The uppers of a Tramp's highlows. + + * * * * * + +SHARP FIGHTING AT RANGOON.--We hope soon to hear that the Kachins are +Kachin' it hot. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO THOSE "UP A GUM TREE" (_by "Non Possum_").--Come down as +quickly as you can, and don't stick there. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LESSON IN FRENCH. + +_Fräulein Schnips_ (_who does not devote as much attention to the Toilet +as she does to Study, addresses Master Edward who has been made to join +in his Sister's lessons during his holidays_). "EDFARD, FOT IS 'I VASH MY +HANDS' IN FRENCH?" + +_Master Edward_ (_sulkily_). "JE ME LAVE LES MAINS." + +_F. S._ "NOW DEN. 'I DO NOT VASH MY HANDS.' GU'EST-CE GUE C'EST GUE ÇA?" + +_Master Edward_ (_seizing his opportunity_). "EH BIEN, C'EST UNE HABITUDE +SALE, DONT VOUS DEVRIEZ AVOIR HONTE!"] + + * * * * * + +"SOME DAY!" + +(_Latest Egyptian Version of Milton Welling's popular Song._) + +Mr. BULL _to_ Miss EGYPT, _sings_:-- + + I know not when the day shall be, + I know not when we two shall part; + What farewell you will give to me, + Or will your words be sweet or tart? + It may not be till years have passed, + Till France grows calm, young ABBAS grey; + But I am pledged--so, love, at last, + Our hands, our hearts must part--_some day_! + Some day, some day, + Some day I shall leave you! + Love, I know not when or how, + (So I can but vaguely vow) + Only this, only this, + (Which I trust won't grieve you), + Only this--I _can't_ go now, I can't _go_ now, I can't go _Now_! + + I know not if 'tis far or near, + Some six months' hence, while we both live; + I know not who the blame shall bear, + Or who protest, or who forgive; + But when we part, some day, some day, + France, fairer grown, the truth may see, + And all those clouds be rolled away + That darken love 'twixt her and me. + Some day, some day, + Some day I must leave you! + Lawks! I know not when or how, + (Though the Powers kick up a row), + Only this, only this, + (Which I won't deceive you), + Only this--I can't go _now_, I shan't go _now_, I won't go _Now_! + + * * * * * + +IS SCIENCE PLAYED OUT? + + ["In a grain of butter you have 47,250,000 microbes. When you eat + a slice of bread-and-butter, you therefore must swallow as many + microbes as there are people in Europe."--"Science Notes" in + _Daily Chronicle_.] + + Charlotte, eating bread-and-butter, + Read this Note with horror utter, + And (assisted by the cutter) + Went on eating bread-and-butter! + Man will say--with due apology + To alarmed Bacteriology-- + Spite of menacing bacilli, + Man _must_ eat, friend, willy-nilly! + And where _shall_ he find due foison + If e'en bread-and-butter's poison? + Science told our amorous Misses + Death may be conveyed _in kisses_; + But it did not keep the nation + From promiscuous osculation. + Now it warneth the "Young Person" + (Whom GRANT ALLEN voids his curse on) + "Bread-and-butter Misses" even + In _their_ food may find death's leaven! + Never mind how this is made out! + Science--as a Bogey's--played out. + Spite all warnings it may utter, + Women _will_ have Bread-and-Butter! + + * * * * * + +OUT OF WORK. + + (_After reading "Outcast London" by the Daily Chronicle's Special + Commissioner at the East End._) + + Divines inform us that the Primal Curse + On poor humanity was Compulsory Work; + But Civilisation has devised a worse, + Which even Christian effort seems to shirk. + The Worker's woes love may assuage. Ah, yes! + But what shall help Compulsory Worklessness? + Not Faith--Hope--Charity even! All the Graces + Are helpless, without Wisdom in high places. + Though liberal alms relieve the kindly soul, + You can't cure destitution by a dole. + No, these are days when men must dare to try + What a Duke calls--ARGYLL the high-and-dry-- + "The Unseen Foundations of Society"; + And not, like wealthy big-wigs, be content + With smart attacks on "Theories of Rent." + Most theories of rent we know, the fact is + What we have doubts about, Duke, is--the practice! + When Rent in Power's hands becomes a rack + To torture Toil, bold wisdom will hark back + To the beginnings and the bases; ask + _What_ hides beneath that Economic mask + Which smiles unmoved by Sorrow's strain and stress + On half-starved Work and whole-starved Worklessness! + + * * * * * + +THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S. + +A STORY IN SCENES. + + SCENE IV.--Mrs. TIDMARSH'S _Drawing-room_; MR. TIDMARSH _has just + shaken hands with the latest arrival, and is still in the utmost + perplexity as to the best manner to adopt towards him. The other + Guests are conversing, with increased animation, at the further + end of the room._ + +_Lord Strathsporran_ (_to_ Mr. TIDMARSH). Afraid I'm most abominably +late--had some difficulty in getting here--such a fog, don't you know! +It's really uncommonly good of you to let me come and see your +antiquities like this. If I am not mistaken, you have got together a +collection of sepulchral objects worth coming any distance to study. [_He +glances round the room, in evident astonishment._ + +_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). Nice names to give my dinner-party! Impudent +young dog, this--Lord or no Lord! (_Aloud, with dignity._) +I--ha--hum--don't think that's quite the way to speak of them, Sir--my +Lord, I suppose I _ought_ to say! + +_Lord Strath._ Oh, I expect a most interesting evening, I assure you. + +_Mr. Tid._ Well, I--I daresay you'll have no cause to complain, so far as +_that_ goes, Lord--er--STRATH--you'll excuse me, but I haven't _quite_ +got accustomed to that title of yours. + +_Lord Strath._ (_smiling_). Not surprised at that--feel much the same +myself. + +_Mr. Tid._ Ha--well, to tell you the honest truth, I should have been +just as pleased if you had come here _without_ any handle of that sort to +your name. + +_Lord Strath._ Quite unnecessary to tell me so--and, you see, I couldn't +very well help myself. + +_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). BLANKLEY sends 'em _all_ out with titles--then +his _is_ bogus! (_Aloud._) Oh, I don't blame _you_, if it's the rule; +only--(_irritably_)--well, it makes me feel so devilish _awkward_, you +know! + +_Lord Strath._ Extremely sorry--don't know why it should. (_To himself._) +Queer little chap my host. Don't _look_ the Egyptologist exactly. And +where does he keep all his things? Downstairs, I suppose. (_He turns, and +recognises_ Miss SEATON.) MARJORY SEATON--here! and I've been trying to +hear something of her ever since I came back from Gîzeh--this _is_ luck! +(_To her._) How do you do, Miss SEATON? No idea we should meet like this! + +_Miss Seaton_ (_in a low constrained voice_). Nor I, Mr. CLAYMORE. [Mr. +TIDMARSH _catches his Wife's eye, and crosses to her._ + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_sotto voce_). MONTAGUE, isn't it time you introduced me to +this Lord Whatever-it-is? As the person of highest rank here, he +certainly ought to take _me_ in! + +[Illustration: "I look upon him simply as a human being."] + +_Mr. Tid._ He's _done_ it, MARIA. He's no more a Lord than I am. Miss +SEATON knows him--I just heard her call him "Mr. CLAYTON," or some name +like that! + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_aghast._) So _this_ is the sort of person you _would_ go and +engage! He'll be found out, MONTAGUE, I can see Uncle edging up towards +him already. And anyhow, you know what his opinions are. A pretty scrape +you've got us into! Don't stand gaping--bring the man up to me this +minute--I must give him a hint to be careful. (_Lord S. is led up and +presented._) Sit down here, please, in this corner, Lord--(_with a +vicious emphasis_)--STRATH-_BLANKLEY_. (Lord. S. _obeys in mild +amazement._) Really, my husband and I were _hardly_ prepared for so +_aristocratic_ a guest--we are such plain humdrum people that a title--a +_real_ title like your _lordship's_--ahoo!--(_with an acid titter_)--is, +well--_rather_ overwhelming. I only hope you will be able to--er--sustain +it, or otherwise---- + +_Lord Strath._ (_lifting his eyebrows._) Am I to understand that you did +not expect me, after all? Because, if so,--I---- + +_Mrs. Tid._ Oh, yes, we _expected_ you, and of course, you will be +treated exactly the same as everybody else--except--I don't know if my +husband warned you about not touching the champagne? No? Oh, well, you +will drink _claret_ please, _not_ champagne. I daresay you prefer it. + +_Lord Strath._ Thank you, I should indeed--if you have any misgivings +about your champagne. + +_Mrs. Tid._ We must draw _some_ distinction between you and our regular +guests, as I'm sure you'll understand. + +_Lord Strath._ (_to himself._) Poor devils--if they only knew! But what +an unspeakable snob this woman is! I'd give something to get out of this +house--if it wasn't for MARJORY. I must have a word with her before +dinner--strikes me she's put out with me about something or other. + +_Mrs. Gilwattle_ (_to her Husband_). Did you ever see anything like the +way MARIA'S talking to that young nobleman, GABRIEL? as easy and composed +as if she'd kept such company all her life--it's a wonder how she can +_do_ it! + +_Uncle Gab._ Look at the finishing she's had! And after all, he's flesh +and blood like ourselves. She might introduce you and me to him, +though--it looks as if she was ashamed of her own relations. I shall go +up and introduce myself in a minute, and do what I can to make the young +fellow feel himself at home. (_Intercepting_ Lord S. _in the act of +moving towards_ Miss SEATON.) Excuse me, my Lord, but, as the uncle of +our worthy host and hostess, I should like the honour of shaking you by +the hand. (_He shakes hands._) My name's GILWATTLE, my Lord, and I ought +to tell you before I go any further that I've no superstitious reverence +for rank. Whether a man's a lord or a linen-draper, is exactly the same +to me--I look upon him dimply as a human being. + +_Lord Strath._ Quite so? he--ah--generally _is_, isn't he? + +_Uncle Gab._ Very handsome of your Lordship to admit it, I'm sure--but +what I _mean_ to say is, I regard any friend of my niece and nephew's as +a friend of mine--be he a Duke or be he a Dustman. + +_Lord Strath._ Unhappily for me, I'm neither a Duke nor a Dustman, +and--er--will you kindly excuse me? (_To himself as he passes on._) That +old gentleman makes me quite ill. Ah, MARJORY at last! (_To_ Miss +SEATON.) You've scarcely spoken a word to me yet! I hoped somehow you'd +look a little pleased to see me--after all this time! + +_Miss Seaton._ Pleased? I can hardly be that under the circumstances, Mr. +CLAYMORE! + +_Lord Strath._ Well, I only thought--we used to be such friends once. You +seem so changed! + +_Miss Seaton._ I am not the only one who is changed, I think. You seem to +have changed everything--even your name. What ought I to call you, by the +way, I didn't catch it exactly. "Lord SOMEBODY," wasn't it? + +_Lord Strath._ Never mind the confounded name, I have heard quite enough +of it already! It's not my fault if I'm what I am. _I_ never wanted to be +STRATHSPORRAN! + +_Miss Seaton._ Then you really are Lord STRATHSPORRAN! Oh, DOUGLAS, how +_could_ you? + +_Lord Strath._ I didn't. It was all that accident to my poor uncle and +cousin. And I'm about the poorest Peer in Scotland; if _that's_ any +excuse for me! + +_Miss Seaton._ How can it be any excuse for your coming here? Have you no +pride, DOUGLAS! + +_Lord Strath._ My goodness, what is there to be proud about? Why +_shouldn't_ I dine with anybody, provided----? + +_Miss Seaton._ Please don't excuse yourself--I can't bear it. You _know_ +it is unworthy of you to be here! + +_Lord Strath._ I don't indeed. I came here simply as a---- + +_Miss Seaton._ Don't trouble to tell me--I know _everything_. And--and +you ought to have _died_ rather than descend to this! + +_Lord Strath._ Ought I? Died, eh? That never occurred to me; and, after +all, MARJORY, _you_'re here! What's wrong? What have I let myself in for? + +_Miss Seaton_ (_bitterly_). What have you let yourself _out_ for, you +mean, don't you? + +_Lord Strath._ (_mystified_). _I_ don't know! I believe my man let me +out; and, anyway, what _does_ it matter now I've come? There's dinner +announced. MARJORY, before we're separated, just tell me what on earth +I've done to deserve this sort of thing! + +_Miss Seaton_ (_with a little gesture of despair_). Is it possible you +want to be told how _horribly_ you have disappointed me! + + [_The couples are forming to go down._ + +_Lord Strath._ (_stiffly_). I can only say the disappointment is mutual! + + [_He moves away, and awaits his hostess's directions._ + +_Little Gwennie_ (_stealing up to her Governess_). Oh, Miss SEATON, +_haven't_ I been good? I've kept quite quiet in a corner, and I haven't +said a single word to anybody ever since he came. But _what_ nice +Gentlemen BLANKLEY does send, doesn't he? + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_on_ Uncle GABRIEL'S _arm_). Oh, I quite forgot _you_, +Lord--ah--STRATHPORRIDGE. As you and Miss SEATON seem to be already +acquainted, perhaps you will have the goodness to take her down? You will +sit on my left--on the fireplace side--and--(_in a whisper_)--the less +you say the better! + +_Lord Strath._ I am _quite_ of your opinion. (_To himself._) Can't make +my hostess out, for the life of me--or MARJORY either, if it comes to +that! This is going to be a lively dinner-party, I can see! + + [_He gives his arm to_ Miss SEATON, _who accepts it without looking + at him; they go downstairs in constrained silence._ + +(_End of Scene IV._) + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--CITY IMPROVEMENTS.--How much longer are we to wait for +the widening of the whole of Cheapside, the removal of the Post-Office +Buildings to a more convenient site, and the total and unconditional +sweeping away of Paternoster Row and the south side of Newgate Street? +These slight alterations are _imperatively required_. They will only cost +about ten millions, and what are ten millions to the Corporation? As I +purchased the five square yards on which my little tobacco-shop is built +in confident expectation of being bought out at a high figure, I consider +that any further delay in the matter involves something like a breach of +public faith. Why should not the Government help? They have lots of +money, and I haven't.--DISINTERESTED. + + * * * * * + +"FACTS AND FIGURES."--The business of the Labour Commissioner has to be +very delicately managed. There must be a good deal of "give and take" in +the work. However much "taking" there may be, there is sure to be plenty +of _Giffen_. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +There is something fascinating about the title of Mr. MCCULLAGH TORRENS' +book, published in one handsome volume, by BENTLEY. There should be a +good deal in _Twenty Years in Parliament_, more so when the epoch covers +recollections of PALMERSTON in his green old age, Mr. GLADSTONE in his +prime, BRIGHT in his political prize-fighting trim, COBDEN, TOM DUNCAN, +MONCKTON MILNES, JOHN STUART MILL, ISAAC BUTT, and a host of other ghosts +that have flitted off the scene. My Baronite turned to the book with +gusto, read it through with patience, and left it with disappointment. +Mr. TORRENS knew all these men personally; in fact, he was indispensable +to them. One marvels to find, from hints dropped and assertions boldly +made, how much they were severally indebted to him for counsel and +inspiration through the twenty years the narrative vaguely covers. The +figures of the men named loom large in history; but they were all +stuffed. The wires were pulled by plain unappreciated MCCULLAGH TORRENS. +The weight of the responsibility has had the effect of somewhat muddling +the narrative, and, from time to time, the diligent reader does not know +exactly where he is. He begins with some episode in which DIZZY, with arm +affectionately linked with that of MCCULLAGH TORRENS, is walking along +Pall Mall, when a passing Bishop obsequiously takes off his hat and bows. +MCCULLAGH modestly says this obeisance was paid to DIZZY, but _we_ know +very well it was to MCCULLAGH. Then, before we know where we are, we are +in the middle of an account of the Bulgarian atrocities, the +Russo-Turkish war, what Count BEUST said to MCCULLAGH, and how, in debate +on the Vote of Six Millions, "a Right Hon. friend who sat next to me +urged me to add a few words to what had been better said by others in +this sense." Better said! Oh, MCCULLAGH! Oh, TORRENS! There is an ancient +story of an old gentleman who had a treasured anecdote connected with the +going off of a gun. When he could not drag it in otherwise, he was wont +to furtively lift his foot and kick the table. "Hallo, what's that?" he +cried. "Sounds like a gun; that reminds me"--and then the story. Thus Mr. +TORRENS drags in successive Parliamentary episodes through twenty +years--the Disestablishment of the Church, the Charity Commission, State +Aid to Emigrants, School Board for London, Extradition, Artisans' +Dwellings; gives a not very clear summary of events leading up to each, +and then treats the entranced reader to the heads of the speech he +delivered. The book would have been more accurately entitled had it been +called _Twenty Years of McCullagh Torrens_, and old Members of the House +of Commons will agree that this is a little too much. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +The Three. + + Some hold it a terrible fault of omission + That Parsons sit not on the Poor-Law Commission. + Alas! Hope would smile, but she finds it a rarity + For "Faith" not to hamper the freedom of Charity. + The world will look bright when we find in high places + A perfect accord 'twixt the Three Christian Graces! + + * * * * * + +THE FIRST BAL MASQUÉ OF THE SEASON.--Big success. Greater crowd there +than when these entertainments came to an end at the beginning of last +year. All sorts of disguises were permitted, but it is said that two +_viveurs_ who came late, disguised in liquor, were denied entrance. The +Snow Man found it very hot, and melted. Prizes were to be given away. But +there was one prize, an elegant lady, closely masked and hooded, whose +identity remained a puzzle to everybody. At last "she gave herself away." +The happy recipient congratulated himself on winning the prize. + + * * * * * + +NEXT, PLEASE!--Suggested subject for the next Newspaper Controversy:--"Is +ROBERT BUCHANAN played out?" + + * * * * * + +"RENT REDUCTIONS" can generally be satisfactorily made _pro tem._ with a +needle and thread. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE PLAY'S THE THING!" + +"COULD I HAVE A FORTNIGHT'S LEAVE, SIR?" "WHAT FOR, PRAY?" "URGENT +PRIVATE THEATRICALS!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FISHERMAN AND THE GENIUS. + +(_Fragmentary and Unfinished Extracts from the Arabian Nights, Up to +Date._) + +"Sir," said SHEEVERREADY, "how pleasant soever these stories may be that +I have told your Majesty hitherto, they do not come near that of the +Fisherman and the Genius." + + * * * + +There was an ancient, but hale and opulent Fisherman, who had fished with +much success for many a day in troubled waters. This practice of his +involved him, of course, in extremely arduous labours, but resulted, +generally, in securing him a fair share of hard-earned spoil, to the +great envy of other fishermen of less hardihood and enterprise. He +imposed it upon himself, however, as a law, not to cast his nets save +during a certain season--or session, as he called it--which usually +arrived but once a year. + +His fortune, for some fishing seasons past, had been of a variable, and +not too satisfactory sort. It is _not_ encouraging, after casting one's +nets during a prolonged spell of rough weather, and confidently +anticipating a good draught of fish, to perceive that, instead of fish, +there is nothing in one's net save such unsought spoil as the carcase of +an Egyptian ass, a basket-full of gravel and slime of no substantial +utility, or quantities of stones and mud, fit for nothing but for use as +missiles among quarrelsome boys. + +"O Fortune," cried he; "be not so persistently perverse, nor persecute an +ancient fisherman who groweth a-weary of tumultuous billows, turbid +floods, broken and filth-obstructed nets, and unprofitable hauls!" + + * * * + +Now, behold, it was told to this Fisherman by a certain Grand Old Voice, +vague but sonorous, and voluble exceedingly, that if he would only make a +complete change in his nets, and in the fashion of his fishing, +miraculous draughts would become as common as minnows in a brook. This +Voice visited our Fisherman often in his visions. And, behold, the +Fisherman essayed the schemes suggested by the Voice. Not at first, it +must be admitted, with supreme success, or entire satisfaction to the +Fisherman himself. The Voice, however, attributed this qualified fortune +to the Fisherman's lack of perfect trust, and of entire reform in his +fashion of fishing. "Behold," cried the Voice, vibrating vehemently, "you +have allowed yourself to be diverted by the sinister councils of +antiquated obscurantists from implicit faith in my programmes and +prescriptions!" + +"And what, in brief and plain language, _are_ these latter?" inquired the +anxious but puzzled Fisherman. + +"Nay," answered the Voice, sardonically; "that were to inquire too +nicely. But place your fortunes absolutely in my charge; follow my lead +with unquestioning loyalty, and verily you shall see great results." + + * * * + +The Fisherman, much impressed with these assurances, cast his nets once +more in the new fashion; and when he thought it was time, he drew them in +as formerly, with great difficulty. But, instead of fish, found nothing +in them but a vessel of brass, which, by the weight, seemed to be full of +something; and he observed that it was shut up with singular tightness, +and sealed up with a thick coating of official-looking wax. And the Seal +was Green, green as the abounding grass, or the scarce four-leaved +shamrock of that amazing Isle of Emeralds, which some deem as much matter +of myth as SINDBAD'S Valley of Diamonds. + + * * * + +The Fisherman examined the vessel on all sides, and shook it to see if +what was in it made any noise, but heard nothing. This circumstance, with +the impression of the seal upon the cover (which seemed to represent two +Hearts linked in Union by some mystic abracadabra of unknown words) made +him think there was something precious--or at least peculiar--in it. To +try this, he opened it. He presently turned the mouth downward, but +nothing came out, which surprised him extremely. He set it before him, +and while he looked upon it attentively, there arose from it a very thick +smoke, which obliged him to retire two or three paces from it. + +The smoke ascended to the clouds, and, extending itself along the sea and +upon the shore, formed a great mist, which we may well imagine did +mightily astonish the Fisherman. When the smoke was all out of the +vessel, it slowly took shape, and became a solid-seeming body, of which +there was formed a Genius twice as high and broad as any giant with which +the Fisherman had been aforetime familiar. At the sight of a monster of +such unsizeable bulk, and from which issued, in as yet unintelligible +accents, a Voice which seemed strangely familiar to his ears, the +Fisherman----Here SHEEVERREADY perceiving day, broke off her story--for +the time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FISHERMAN AND THE GENIUS. + +(_Vide "Arabian Nights."_)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY CONSIDERATE. + +_Mr. Phunkie._ "DEAW ME!--NEW RAILS, I DECLARE! NOW IF THERE IS A THING +WHICH IS ANNOYING TO THE AGRICULTURIST, IN THE PRESENT STATE OF +DEPRESSION, IT IS FOR PEOPLE TO GO RECKLESSLY SMASHING THINGS OF THAT +SORT. I SHALL CERTAINLY PUT MYSELF TO THE INCONVENIENCE OF GOING +_ROUND_--AHEM!--AS AN EXAMPLE!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE TICKET-OF-LEAVE MAN" AT CAMBRIDGE. + +[Illustration] + +Well done, the A. D. C.! Their performance of TOM TAYLOR'S romantic, +pathetic, melodramatic, crib-cracking, head- (though not always side-) +splitting play, was an admirable one, carefully rehearsed, well +stage-managed, and played with a fine feeling for the capital situations +in which the piece abounds. Especially good was Mr. BROMLEY-DAVENPORT'S +_Jem Dalton_, a finished and truculent presentment of which any young +amateur and many an old professional might be proud. _Hawkshaw_ (Mr. +DICKINSON), too, was excellent, and the _Bob Brierly_ of Mr. THORNTON, +the _Sam Willoughby_ of Mr. THEOBALD, the _Green Jones_ of Mr. NORMAN, +and the _Maltby_ of Mr. MARTINEAU, were all good in their several ways. +As for the ladies--but who does not know the A. D. C. ladies, those +visions of female loveliness, with big hands bass voices, and projecting +knees? Mr. AGAR, whose waist cannot have really measured more than twenty +inches round, was refined and charming as _Emily St. Evremond_, while Mr. +CORNISH, though taller than most of his male associates, played _May +Edwards_ quietly, and sympathetically. _Mrs. Willoughby_, the stage +realisation of ARTHUR SKETCHLEY'S _Mrs. Brown_, had full justice rendered +to her garrulous good-nature by Mr. STONE. But enough. It was a good +performance. Memories came floating back of a notable performance of this +same play by the A. D. C. far back in the remote ages between '70 and +'80. The _Bob Brierly_ of those days has been Under-Secretary of State +for India, _Hawkshaw_, the Detective, occupies a thorny throne as +Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, while _Jem Dalton_ has become the Burglar at +the Court Theatre--a very natural transition. Very great was Mr. +BROOKFIELD fifteen years ago as the Cracksman, but great, also, was Mr. +BROMLEY-DAVENPORT last week. _Dixi!_ + + * * * * * + +DEARTH OF DANCING-MEN. + +My JULIA has been unusually fortunate this evening. She has only had to +sit out thirteen dances, and has already been given half a polka by Mr. +LAYSIBOHNS, who, however, seemed too tired to finish it. Her view is, +that "half a loafer is better than no dance." + +[Illustration] + +In order to get men, we have been obliged to invite the gentlemanly +crossing-sweeper at the end of our road, two hawkers who sell blocks of +wood in the street, a respectable coal-heaver, and our green-grocer's +assistant. They have each had half-a-dozen dancing lessons (at our +expense), and are to be paid a guinea a-piece, on condition that they +dance at least six dances before going down to supper. + +Our boy BOB, who is always trying to be funny, says he is afraid engaging +these people will turn put a "valse step." + +It certainly is rather slow for the Girls who have not had a partner all +the evening. Still, I did _not_ expect them to bring pencils and paper +with them, and play games of "consequences" in the billiard-room. + +Since Gentlemen have taken to sharing a dance among several Ladies, they +have become very conceited. My EMILY is congratulating herself that she +has secured one undivided sixteenth part of the next Lancers with that +dear Mr. WYNN INGWAYS. + +A good part of Mr. MASHER'S income is, it is said, derived from the fact +that Mothers, sooner than see their Girls sit idle all the evening, are +willing to allow him a handsome commission on suitable introductions. + +BOB has asked JULIA a riddle, which is--"What is the difference between a +game of whist and a ball-room?" The answer seems to be, that in whist you +cut for partners, but, in a ball-room, possible partners cut you. + +It is quite true that we have decided to emigrate to North-West Colorado, +as my Girls say they will have far more chance of partners in a country +where the "surplus population" consists entirely of males. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TROP DE ZÈLE. + +_Hostess._ "WHY ARE SOME OF THE LIQUEUR GLASSES _EMPTY_, KATHLEEN?" + +_The New Parlour Maid._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MY LADY, THEY'RE FOR THIM AS +DON'T TAKE ANY LIQUEUR!"] + + * * * * * + +MARGARINA. + +A BACK-STREET BALLAD. + +AIR--"_Margarita._" + + I passed along a dim back-street, Margarina! + In search of something good to eat, Margarina! + O pallid tripe! O "faggots" queer! + Was ever such strange human cheer? + And O my heart, I loathed thee so, + There on show, there on show, Margarina! + + I saw thee in a sallow dab, Margarina! + Upon the grubby marble slab, Margarina! + O sickening stodge! O greasy shine! + O "Dairy Produce" miscalled "Fine"! + O haunt of all blue-flies that blow, + There on show, there on show, Margarina! + + I fled along that gloomy street, Margarina! + Disgusted, sickened, sad, dead-beat, Margarina! + Yet still I see that dingy slab, + That oleaginous pale, pale dab. + And thou art still on sale I know, + Where soot-flakes all, and blue-flies blow, Margarina! + + But every night at my snug tea, Margarina! + Over my toast I muse on thee, Margarina! + I sniff that smell, I see that dab, + That greasy, grimy, marble slab. + And thou art still the same I know, + The slum's strange love, the slum's strange love. + The poor man's "Butter," there on show! Margarina! + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM, who had been listening to a conversation among golf-players, +and now flatters herself on knowing something about the game, +observed--"I suppose, in the Season, instead of Five-o'clock Teas, the +fashion at Hurlingham and those places will be to have Golf Teas." She +didn't know that it was spelt 'Tees.' + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, Jan. 31st._--Back again in old place, with +SPEAKER in Chair, Mace on table, and Serjeant-at-Arms on guard. Nothing +changed except the Government. Some old familiar faces gone; others +replace them. Same old bustle, hearty greeting, and effusive +hand-shaking. + +"There's only one thing," says ERSKINE, of Cardross, "that equals the +hilarity of the opening of a New Session, and that is the joy with which +the boys go off on the day of Prorogation." + +ERSKINE been in the Chair by the cross-benches some years now. Naturally +growing philosophical; insensibly cultivates habit of sententious speech. + +"Wonder you can be so garrulous, TOBY," he says, "considering the number +of Speeches you hear in a Session. We take in eloquence at the pores, and +I for one have no tendency toward exudation." + +"Ah," I said, "perhaps that's the lack of exercise. Dear old GOSSET! he +was better off in that respect. Remember how he used to waltz up and down +between doorway and table with BRADLAUGH? A heavy partner, too, +especially taken after dinner. But, on score of health, not by any means +an undesirable variation on sedentary life." + +"Well, well," said ERSKINE, whose forbears were out in '45, "we must hope +for the best." And the gallant Scot's hand involuntarily sought the hilt +of his sword as his keen eye roved over the Clan gathered below the +Gangway. + +A little odd at first to see Mr. G. on the Bench to the right of SPEAKER, +Prince ARTHUR facing him on Opposition Bench. They seem to assume altered +position quite naturally. Mr. G. looks pretty much as he has done any +time these two years back. Eager, straight-backed, bright-eyed, smiling +gaily in response to cheer that greets him from at present undivided +majority. + +"Pretty well, thank you, TOBY. Only one thing the matter with me, and +that, you know, doesn't mend as the years pass. Looking over MCCULLAGH +TORRENS' book the other day, I noted what DIZZY said when that genial +statesman, the former Member for Finsbury, inquired after the health of +Lady BEACONSFIELD. 'They tell me she is better, but you know what better +is at 83.' I'm as well as can be expected going o' 84. I must admit it's +pretty well. I'll undertake to walk a mile, run a mile, eat a meal, and +make a speech with any fellow ten years my junior." + +Certainly no one on Treasury Bench exceeds Mr. G. in vivacity or +overflowing energy. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD looks very fit, but there's a +massivity about his mirthful mood that becomes a Chancellor of the +Exchequer with a contingent surplus. Is much comforted by consciousness +that, whilst SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE views composition of Ministry with +mixed feelings, and will not commit himself to promise of fealty till he +is in possession of full details of their policy, he unreservedly +approves the SQUIRE. + +On other side, Her Majesty's late Ministers in state of almost boisterous +hilarity. Evidently inclined to regard deposition as a joke. Prince +ARTHUR beaming with delight. Something curiously like a smile wreathes +stolid countenance of Sir JAMES FERGUSSON. + +"It's their turn now," says Prince ARTHUR, gleefully rubbing his hands, +"and I wish them joy of it. As for me, I shall live my Saturday to Monday +in peace, and shall go to the Opera every Wednesday night in the Season." + +"You can go oftener if you like," said ELLIS ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight). +"You may depend on my remaining here. I've thought of a good many things +to say during the last six years." + +"Ha," said Prince ARTHUR, thoughtfully, "then perhaps I may absent myself +through portions of other nights of the week." + +_Business done._--Address moved. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY SHOOTING BEGINS, JANUARY 31.] + + * * * * * + +HIS LITTLE GAME AT THE COMEDY. + +[Illustration: Opening the Case.] + +[Illustration: Briscoe, having lost one suit, gains another.] + +Mr. Lestocq's amusing farce, _The Sportsman_, now being played at the +Comedy Theatre, must inevitably recall to the experienced play-goer the +plot and situations of _The Serious Family_ and _The Colonel_, _Truth_, +_The Candidate_, _Artful Cards_, and it may be some others of the same +extensive dramatic family. In this piece the husband, under pretence of +joining a shooting-party, is accustomed to absent himself from home, in +order to indulge his propensity for gambling, and he invariably brings +home to his wife the hares and rabbits he has shot. This is "his little +game." Just so did the husband in _The Serious Family_, when _Aminadab +Sleek_ remarks that he has seen something very like them at a +neighbouring poulterer's. In the Second Act the police make a raid on the +gambling Club, and the husband escapes in any coat he can lay hold of, +following the example of the unfortunate hero of _Artful Cards_, only +that the situation at the end of _that_ Second Act was far stronger in +that play than it is in _The Sportsman_. In _Artful Cards_ the +unfortunate hero escaped, carrying a trombone, which turned up in +evidence against him when he was inventing plausible explanations to his +wife. In fact, _The Sportsman_ is concocted out of excellent old material +cleverly worked up, with only one new point in it, to which, as it has +escaped the eye of the English adapter, it would be useless to draw his +attention; yet, had he seen it, he might therefrom have developed a +really original sequence of perplexing situations. The dialogue is not +particularly brilliant; jerky, not crisp. But such is the "go" of the +principals, and especially of Mr. HAWTREY, who is the life and soul of +the farce, that the laughter is hearty and continuous. + + * * * * * + +PATRIOTISM AT THE LAW COURTS. + +(_As we expect to see it._) + + ["THE INNS OF COURT AND THE VOLUNTEERS.--A Meeting was held + yesterday afternoon in the Banqueting Hall of Lincoln's Inn for + the purpose of taking such steps as might be deemed necessary to + revive the former numerical strength of the Inns of Court Corps of + Volunteers, now sadly below its proper strength."--_Daily Paper._] + +[Illustration] + +Frequent Meetings in the Banqueting Hall will soon rectify the "reduced +condition," and, after a few gatherings, a gallant and learned Q. C. will +don his ancient tunic, and present himself at Head Quarters. + + * * * * * + +"THE ETERNAL FEMININE!" + +(_By a candid--if capricious--Conjugator._) + +_Amo, amas_--All love a lass! + +_Amamus, amatis_--Churls cry, _jam satis_! + +_Amat, amant_--But that's masculine cant! + +_Amem, ames_--We wish to please. + +_Amemus, ametis_--'Cos love so sweet is. + +_Amet, ament_--Man's never content! + +_Amavissem_--We yearn to kiss 'em. + +_Amavisses_--They accept our kisses. + +_Ama, amato_--Lips like a tomato. + +_Amate, amanto_--Move many a canto. + +_Amare, amavisse_--We Marry sweet Missy. + +_Amans, amaturus_--Her charms to secure us. + +_Amandum, amandi_--As wives they come handy. + +_Amando, amandum_--But we don't understand 'em. + +_Amandum, amando_--Their novels are grand, oh! + +_Amatum, amatu_--Cries male critic, "I'll slate you!" + +_Amor, amaris, amatur_--Woman goes like thunder when a starter! + +_Amamur, amamini, amantur_--And she swears she'll lick us in a canter! + +_Amemur, amemini, amentur_--And 'twill take us all our time to prevent +her! + + * * * * * + +THE NEWEST HUMOUR. + + ["The atmospheric envelope of the Globe is at present in a + baccilophil humour."--_Professor_ PETTENKOFER _on Microbes, quoted + by_ JAMES PAYN.] + +[Illustration] + + Is that the humour o 't, O learned Nym? + Well, these be days of mad and morbid whim, + When would-be wits strain wildly at a joke + As an o'erladen ox against the yoke. + But "a baccilophil humour"!--in the air! + Science does love the unlearned soul to scare, + But what does this thing mean? With fear to fill us? + Can aught thus love and cherish the Bacillus? + O "atmospheric envelope" _thy_ humour + Is worse than--Blank's--if we may trust this rumour. + Since microbe "humour" fills both air and earth, + Farewell to honest fun and wholesome mirth! + Adieu to genial DICKENS, gentle HOOD! + Hail to the peddling pessimistic brood + Whose "nimini-pimimi" mouths, too small by half + To stretch themselves to a Homeric laugh, + Mince, in a mirror, to the "Paphian Mimp!" + MOMUS is dead, and e'en that tricksy imp + Preposterous _Puck_ hath too much native grit + To take the taste of OSRICK turned a wit. + Humour baccilophil, microbic merriment, + Might suit him better. He will try the experiment. + His mirth's a smirk and not a paroxysm; + "Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism" + Do not disturb the "plie" of his prim lips, + Neither do cynic quirks and querulous quips. + Mirth would guffaw--when hearts and mouths were bigger, + OSRICK would shrink from aught beyond a snigger, + Such as is stirred by screeds of far-fetched whim. + Ay! that's the humour o't, sententious Nym. + Let's hail a dying century's latest birth,-- + The Newest Humour--purged from taint of Mirth! + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM'S practical knowledge of French is not marvellous. She was +discussing the question as to whether the French Working-classes cared +for malt liquor as brewed in England. The excellent Lady observed--"I +don't think so, because, if I remember rightly, when I was in Paris, I +was told always to give the coachman money for drink, and this they +called 'poor beer.' So they couldn't care for 'strong ale,' such as +ours." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +104, February 4, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20538-8.txt or 20538-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/5/3/20538/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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