initial commit of ebook 20538HEADmain

1 files changed, 1533 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/20538-8.txt b/20538-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8dc9cdf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/20538-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1533 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104,
+February 4, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, February 4, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: February 6, 2007 [EBook #20538]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 104.
+
+
+
+
+February 4, 1893.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.
+
+_Burglar_ (_taking the ground heavily_). "NAOW, 'OOEVER'D 'A' THOUGHT O'
+THE HOWNER O' THAT THERE HINNERCENT LITTLE VILLA BEIN' A PERFESSIONAL
+'CHUCKER-HOUT'?!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAMENT OF THE (WOULD-BE) IRISH EMIGRANT.
+
+(_Latest Version, with apologies to Lady Dufferin._)
+
+    [Senator CHANDLER, in _The North-American Review_, recommends that
+    immigration into the United States should be suspended, at least
+    for a year.]
+
+  Oi'm sittin' on the stile, MARY, an' lookin' o'er the tide,
+  An' by jabers Oi'm afraid, Aroon, that there Oi'll _have_ to bide!
+  The grass is springin' fresh an' green in Ould Oireland, but oh moy!
+  If there's any green in JONATHAN'S land, _it is not in his oi_!
+
+  The States are awful changed, MARY; it is not _now_ as _then_,
+  When they lifted a free latch-string to all exiled Oirishmen.
+  Now we miss the whoop ov welcome; they suggest it's loike our cheek,
+  And Oi'm listenin' for brave LOWELL'S words--which CHANDLER does _not_
+          speak!
+
+  It seems to me their Aigle for full Freedom no more pants,
+  And the Senator, he mutthers ov "degraded immigrants."
+  Says they can't "assimilate" us; faix, the wurrud sounds monstrous
+          foine,
+  But Oi fancy that it's maning is, "We mane to draw the loine!"
+
+  Shure, we're "ignorant and debased," dear; and the poor won't now find
+          friends
+  Even in free Columbia! So 'tis thus the ould boast ends!
+  "Stop 'em--for a year," says CHANDLER; "we'll be holding our Big Show,
+  An' poverty, an'--well, Cholera, are not wanted _thin_, you know."
+
+  It's an artful move, my MARY, but, it stroikes me, a bit thin,
+  And it won't come home consolin', to "the poor ov Adam's kin."
+  Faix! they won't stop 'cabin passengers,' big-wigs, an' British Peerage,
+  But--_they don't want the poor devils that crowd over in the steerage_!
+
+  So Oi'm sittin' on the stile, MARY, and there Oi'll loikely sthop,
+  For they don't require poor PADDY in their big new CHANDLER'S Shop.
+  Uncle SAM'S some punkins, MARY, but he's not a great green goose;
+  An' he's goin' to sthop a braggin' ov that latch-string always loose!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIXED NOTIONS--NO. IV. EGYPT.
+
+    _Two_ Well-Informed Men, _an_ Inquirer, _and an_ Average Man, _in
+    suburban morning train to London_.
+
+_First Well-Informed Man_ (_reading his paper_). Oh, I say, dash it,
+this'll never do. Here's this young KHEDIVE of Egypt kicking up a shine,
+and dismissing British Ministers. We can't have that, you know.
+
+_Inquirer._ What Ministers has he dismissed?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Why, British Ministers,--at least (_reading on_) I mean
+Egyptian Ministers; that's to say, chaps whom we appointed.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Come, come, we couldn't appoint Egyptian Ministers,
+could we?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, it comes to exactly the same thing; they're
+appointed subject to our proviso (_consulting paper_), yes, subject to
+our veto, and then this little whipper-snapper goes and gives them the
+chuck. He'll jolly soon have to climb down off that.
+
+_Average Man._ Gently! The young chap's King, after all, isn't he? I
+thought Kings might appoint or dismiss Ministers as they liked.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, rot! The QUEEN can't appoint her own Ministers. We
+all know that. They're appointed by the Prime Minister. Any fool knows
+that.
+
+_Inquirer._ But who appoints the Prime Minister?
+
+_First W. I. M._ He appoints himself, and tells the QUEEN he's done it.
+They all go and kiss hands and get their seals, or something of that
+sort.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course, of course. I forgot that. But how about these
+Egyptian beggars?
+
+_First W. I. M._ The KHEDIVE'S had the cheek to dismiss the Ministry, and
+shove another lot in. I see Lord CROMER has been to the Palace to
+protest.
+
+_Inquirer._ Lord CROMER! Who's he?
+
+_First W. I. M._ My dear fellow, fancy not knowing that! Lord CROMER'S
+our Ambassador at Cairo.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh, nonsense. There are no ambassadors at Cairo.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Aren't there? Oh, indeed. Well, then perhaps you'll tell
+me what Lord CROMER is?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ He's our Minister. That's what they call them.
+
+_Inquirer._ Was it him the KHEDIVE dismissed, then?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_laughing heartily_). No, no; we haven't got to that
+yet. He dismissed his own Johnnies, of course; Egyptians. Lord CROMER'S
+the English Minister.
+
+_Average Man._ No, he isn't. He's the English Agent.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh, well, it's the same thing.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_taking his revenge_). No, it isn't at all the same
+thing; it's a very different thing. A Minister's only just short of an
+Ambassador, and an Agent (_pauses_)--well, he's something quite
+different. I don't think he gets as much pay for one thing, and of course
+he can't live in the Embassy.
+
+_Inquirer._ But who does live in the Embassy, then?
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's unoccupied, of course.
+
+_Average Man._ No, it isn't. There isn't any Embassy at all. [_A pause._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_returning to the charge_). But look here, who _is_ Lord
+CROMER? I never heard of him before. I thought we'd got BARING or
+ROTHSCHILD, or somebody representing us in Egypt.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_with smiling superiority_). My dear chap, you're
+thinking of Sir EVELYN BARING. He left Egypt long ago.
+
+_Inquirer._ Why did he leave?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Old GLADSTONE gave him the sack.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ No, he didn't. GLADSTONE wasn't in power when BARING
+left Egypt. It was SALISBURY who dismissed him.
+
+_First W. I. M._ I bet you a sov. it was GLADSTONE.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ And I bet you a sov. it was SALISBURY.
+
+_Average Man._ You'll both lose. It was neither.
+
+_First W. I. M._, _Second W. I. M._ (_together_). Bosh! That's
+impossible.
+
+_Average Man._ It's a fact.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_triumphant_). Well, how do you account for his not
+being there now?
+
+_Average Man._ He is there.
+
+_First W. I. M._ He isn't. Lord CROMER'S there. Here it is. (_Producing
+Times._) "Lord CROMER has protested in person." So come!
+
+_Average Man._ All right. I know all that. Only, unfortunately, they're
+one and the same person.
+
+_First W. I. M._, _Second W. I. M._ (_together_). Oh, I daresay; and you
+think we're going to swallow that. You tell that to your Grandmother!
+[_Both remain absolutely unconvinced._
+
+_Inquirer._ But what's this about the French? What have they got to do
+with it?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh, they've got their fingers in every pie; always
+making mischief.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Quite true; but they'll find we're going to sit tight in
+spite of them, so the sooner they cart themselves and their blessed old
+Pyramids out of the country the better.
+
+_Inquirer._ Why should they take the Pyramids?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Well, they built 'em, so I suppose they've got a right
+to do what they like with them.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course. [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "H.M.S. 'TOKO.'"
+
+_Nurse Britannia._ "ALLOW ME TO INFORM YOUR HIGHNESS HERE COMES A BOX OF
+SOLDIERS YOU _MUSTN'T_ PLAY WITH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Red Spider_, by BARING GOULD, is to be dramatised. What a chance
+this would have been for the "Brothers WEBB," were they still in
+stage-land.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLE SURVIVORS.--The uppers of a Tramp's highlows.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHARP FIGHTING AT RANGOON.--We hope soon to hear that the Kachins are
+Kachin' it hot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE TO THOSE "UP A GUM TREE" (_by "Non Possum_").--Come down as
+quickly as you can, and don't stick there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LESSON IN FRENCH.
+
+_Fräulein Schnips_ (_who does not devote as much attention to the Toilet
+as she does to Study, addresses Master Edward who has been made to join
+in his Sister's lessons during his holidays_). "EDFARD, FOT IS 'I VASH MY
+HANDS' IN FRENCH?"
+
+_Master Edward_ (_sulkily_). "JE ME LAVE LES MAINS."
+
+_F. S._ "NOW DEN. 'I DO NOT VASH MY HANDS.' GU'EST-CE GUE C'EST GUE ÇA?"
+
+_Master Edward_ (_seizing his opportunity_). "EH BIEN, C'EST UNE HABITUDE
+SALE, DONT VOUS DEVRIEZ AVOIR HONTE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SOME DAY!"
+
+(_Latest Egyptian Version of Milton Welling's popular Song._)
+
+Mr. BULL _to_ Miss EGYPT, _sings_:--
+
+  I know not when the day shall be,
+    I know not when we two shall part;
+  What farewell you will give to me,
+    Or will your words be sweet or tart?
+  It may not be till years have passed,
+    Till France grows calm, young ABBAS grey;
+  But I am pledged--so, love, at last,
+    Our hands, our hearts must part--_some day_!
+          Some day, some day,
+            Some day I shall leave you!
+          Love, I know not when or how,
+            (So I can but vaguely vow)
+            Only this, only this,
+          (Which I trust won't grieve you),
+  Only this--I _can't_ go now, I can't _go_ now, I can't go _Now_!
+
+  I know not if 'tis far or near,
+    Some six months' hence, while we both live;
+  I know not who the blame shall bear,
+    Or who protest, or who forgive;
+  But when we part, some day, some day,
+    France, fairer grown, the truth may see,
+  And all those clouds be rolled away
+    That darken love 'twixt her and me.
+          Some day, some day,
+            Some day I must leave you!
+          Lawks! I know not when or how,
+          (Though the Powers kick up a row),
+            Only this, only this,
+          (Which I won't deceive you),
+  Only this--I can't go _now_, I shan't go _now_, I won't go _Now_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IS SCIENCE PLAYED OUT?
+
+    ["In a grain of butter you have 47,250,000 microbes. When you eat
+    a slice of bread-and-butter, you therefore must swallow as many
+    microbes as there are people in Europe."--"Science Notes" in
+    _Daily Chronicle_.]
+
+  Charlotte, eating bread-and-butter,
+  Read this Note with horror utter,
+  And (assisted by the cutter)
+  Went on eating bread-and-butter!
+  Man will say--with due apology
+  To alarmed Bacteriology--
+  Spite of menacing bacilli,
+  Man _must_ eat, friend, willy-nilly!
+  And where _shall_ he find due foison
+  If e'en bread-and-butter's poison?
+  Science told our amorous Misses
+  Death may be conveyed _in kisses_;
+  But it did not keep the nation
+  From promiscuous osculation.
+  Now it warneth the "Young Person"
+  (Whom GRANT ALLEN voids his curse on)
+  "Bread-and-butter Misses" even
+  In _their_ food may find death's leaven!
+  Never mind how this is made out!
+  Science--as a Bogey's--played out.
+  Spite all warnings it may utter,
+  Women _will_ have Bread-and-Butter!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUT OF WORK.
+
+    (_After reading "Outcast London" by the Daily Chronicle's Special
+    Commissioner at the East End._)
+
+  Divines inform us that the Primal Curse
+    On poor humanity was Compulsory Work;
+  But Civilisation has devised a worse,
+    Which even Christian effort seems to shirk.
+  The Worker's woes love may assuage. Ah, yes!
+  But what shall help Compulsory Worklessness?
+  Not Faith--Hope--Charity even! All the Graces
+  Are helpless, without Wisdom in high places.
+  Though liberal alms relieve the kindly soul,
+  You can't cure destitution by a dole.
+  No, these are days when men must dare to try
+  What a Duke calls--ARGYLL the high-and-dry--
+  "The Unseen Foundations of Society";
+  And not, like wealthy big-wigs, be content
+  With smart attacks on "Theories of Rent."
+  Most theories of rent we know, the fact is
+  What we have doubts about, Duke, is--the practice!
+  When Rent in Power's hands becomes a rack
+  To torture Toil, bold wisdom will hark back
+  To the beginnings and the bases; ask
+  _What_ hides beneath that Economic mask
+  Which smiles unmoved by Sorrow's strain and stress
+  On half-starved Work and whole-starved Worklessness!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S.
+
+A STORY IN SCENES.
+
+    SCENE IV.--Mrs. TIDMARSH'S _Drawing-room_; MR. TIDMARSH _has just
+    shaken hands with the latest arrival, and is still in the utmost
+    perplexity as to the best manner to adopt towards him. The other
+    Guests are conversing, with increased animation, at the further
+    end of the room._
+
+_Lord Strathsporran_ (_to_ Mr. TIDMARSH). Afraid I'm most abominably
+late--had some difficulty in getting here--such a fog, don't you know!
+It's really uncommonly good of you to let me come and see your
+antiquities like this. If I am not mistaken, you have got together a
+collection of sepulchral objects worth coming any distance to study. [_He
+glances round the room, in evident astonishment._
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). Nice names to give my dinner-party! Impudent
+young dog, this--Lord or no Lord! (_Aloud, with dignity._)
+I--ha--hum--don't think that's quite the way to speak of them, Sir--my
+Lord, I suppose I _ought_ to say!
+
+_Lord Strath._ Oh, I expect a most interesting evening, I assure you.
+
+_Mr. Tid._ Well, I--I daresay you'll have no cause to complain, so far as
+_that_ goes, Lord--er--STRATH--you'll excuse me, but I haven't _quite_
+got accustomed to that title of yours.
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_smiling_). Not surprised at that--feel much the same
+myself.
+
+_Mr. Tid._ Ha--well, to tell you the honest truth, I should have been
+just as pleased if you had come here _without_ any handle of that sort to
+your name.
+
+_Lord Strath._ Quite unnecessary to tell me so--and, you see, I couldn't
+very well help myself.
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). BLANKLEY sends 'em _all_ out with titles--then
+his _is_ bogus! (_Aloud._) Oh, I don't blame _you_, if it's the rule;
+only--(_irritably_)--well, it makes me feel so devilish _awkward_, you
+know!
+
+_Lord Strath._ Extremely sorry--don't know why it should. (_To himself._)
+Queer little chap my host. Don't _look_ the Egyptologist exactly. And
+where does he keep all his things? Downstairs, I suppose. (_He turns, and
+recognises_ Miss SEATON.) MARJORY SEATON--here! and I've been trying to
+hear something of her ever since I came back from Gîzeh--this _is_ luck!
+(_To her._) How do you do, Miss SEATON? No idea we should meet like this!
+
+_Miss Seaton_ (_in a low constrained voice_). Nor I, Mr. CLAYMORE. [Mr.
+TIDMARSH _catches his Wife's eye, and crosses to her._
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_sotto voce_). MONTAGUE, isn't it time you introduced me to
+this Lord Whatever-it-is? As the person of highest rank here, he
+certainly ought to take _me_ in!
+
+[Illustration: "I look upon him simply as a human being."]
+
+_Mr. Tid._ He's _done_ it, MARIA. He's no more a Lord than I am. Miss
+SEATON knows him--I just heard her call him "Mr. CLAYTON," or some name
+like that!
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_aghast._) So _this_ is the sort of person you _would_ go and
+engage! He'll be found out, MONTAGUE, I can see Uncle edging up towards
+him already. And anyhow, you know what his opinions are. A pretty scrape
+you've got us into! Don't stand gaping--bring the man up to me this
+minute--I must give him a hint to be careful. (_Lord S. is led up and
+presented._) Sit down here, please, in this corner, Lord--(_with a
+vicious emphasis_)--STRATH-_BLANKLEY_. (Lord. S. _obeys in mild
+amazement._) Really, my husband and I were _hardly_ prepared for so
+_aristocratic_ a guest--we are such plain humdrum people that a title--a
+_real_ title like your _lordship's_--ahoo!--(_with an acid titter_)--is,
+well--_rather_ overwhelming. I only hope you will be able to--er--sustain
+it, or otherwise----
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_lifting his eyebrows._) Am I to understand that you did
+not expect me, after all? Because, if so,--I----
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ Oh, yes, we _expected_ you, and of course, you will be
+treated exactly the same as everybody else--except--I don't know if my
+husband warned you about not touching the champagne? No? Oh, well, you
+will drink _claret_ please, _not_ champagne. I daresay you prefer it.
+
+_Lord Strath._ Thank you, I should indeed--if you have any misgivings
+about your champagne.
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ We must draw _some_ distinction between you and our regular
+guests, as I'm sure you'll understand.
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_to himself._) Poor devils--if they only knew! But what
+an unspeakable snob this woman is! I'd give something to get out of this
+house--if it wasn't for MARJORY. I must have a word with her before
+dinner--strikes me she's put out with me about something or other.
+
+_Mrs. Gilwattle_ (_to her Husband_). Did you ever see anything like the
+way MARIA'S talking to that young nobleman, GABRIEL? as easy and composed
+as if she'd kept such company all her life--it's a wonder how she can
+_do_ it!
+
+_Uncle Gab._ Look at the finishing she's had! And after all, he's flesh
+and blood like ourselves. She might introduce you and me to him,
+though--it looks as if she was ashamed of her own relations. I shall go
+up and introduce myself in a minute, and do what I can to make the young
+fellow feel himself at home. (_Intercepting_ Lord S. _in the act of
+moving towards_ Miss SEATON.) Excuse me, my Lord, but, as the uncle of
+our worthy host and hostess, I should like the honour of shaking you by
+the hand. (_He shakes hands._) My name's GILWATTLE, my Lord, and I ought
+to tell you before I go any further that I've no superstitious reverence
+for rank. Whether a man's a lord or a linen-draper, is exactly the same
+to me--I look upon him dimply as a human being.
+
+_Lord Strath._ Quite so? he--ah--generally _is_, isn't he?
+
+_Uncle Gab._ Very handsome of your Lordship to admit it, I'm sure--but
+what I _mean_ to say is, I regard any friend of my niece and nephew's as
+a friend of mine--be he a Duke or be he a Dustman.
+
+_Lord Strath._ Unhappily for me, I'm neither a Duke nor a Dustman,
+and--er--will you kindly excuse me? (_To himself as he passes on._) That
+old gentleman makes me quite ill. Ah, MARJORY at last! (_To_ Miss
+SEATON.) You've scarcely spoken a word to me yet! I hoped somehow you'd
+look a little pleased to see me--after all this time!
+
+_Miss Seaton._ Pleased? I can hardly be that under the circumstances, Mr.
+CLAYMORE!
+
+_Lord Strath._ Well, I only thought--we used to be such friends once. You
+seem so changed!
+
+_Miss Seaton._ I am not the only one who is changed, I think. You seem to
+have changed everything--even your name. What ought I to call you, by the
+way, I didn't catch it exactly. "Lord SOMEBODY," wasn't it?
+
+_Lord Strath._ Never mind the confounded name, I have heard quite enough
+of it already! It's not my fault if I'm what I am. _I_ never wanted to be
+STRATHSPORRAN!
+
+_Miss Seaton._ Then you really are Lord STRATHSPORRAN! Oh, DOUGLAS, how
+_could_ you?
+
+_Lord Strath._ I didn't. It was all that accident to my poor uncle and
+cousin. And I'm about the poorest Peer in Scotland; if _that's_ any
+excuse for me!
+
+_Miss Seaton._ How can it be any excuse for your coming here? Have you no
+pride, DOUGLAS!
+
+_Lord Strath._ My goodness, what is there to be proud about? Why
+_shouldn't_ I dine with anybody, provided----?
+
+_Miss Seaton._ Please don't excuse yourself--I can't bear it. You _know_
+it is unworthy of you to be here!
+
+_Lord Strath._ I don't indeed. I came here simply as a----
+
+_Miss Seaton._ Don't trouble to tell me--I know _everything_. And--and
+you ought to have _died_ rather than descend to this!
+
+_Lord Strath._ Ought I? Died, eh? That never occurred to me; and, after
+all, MARJORY, _you_'re here! What's wrong? What have I let myself in for?
+
+_Miss Seaton_ (_bitterly_). What have you let yourself _out_ for, you
+mean, don't you?
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_mystified_). _I_ don't know! I believe my man let me
+out; and, anyway, what _does_ it matter now I've come? There's dinner
+announced. MARJORY, before we're separated, just tell me what on earth
+I've done to deserve this sort of thing!
+
+_Miss Seaton_ (_with a little gesture of despair_). Is it possible you
+want to be told how _horribly_ you have disappointed me!
+
+    [_The couples are forming to go down._
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_stiffly_). I can only say the disappointment is mutual!
+
+    [_He moves away, and awaits his hostess's directions._
+
+_Little Gwennie_ (_stealing up to her Governess_). Oh, Miss SEATON,
+_haven't_ I been good? I've kept quite quiet in a corner, and I haven't
+said a single word to anybody ever since he came. But _what_ nice
+Gentlemen BLANKLEY does send, doesn't he?
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_on_ Uncle GABRIEL'S _arm_). Oh, I quite forgot _you_,
+Lord--ah--STRATHPORRIDGE. As you and Miss SEATON seem to be already
+acquainted, perhaps you will have the goodness to take her down? You will
+sit on my left--on the fireplace side--and--(_in a whisper_)--the less
+you say the better!
+
+_Lord Strath._ I am _quite_ of your opinion. (_To himself._) Can't make
+my hostess out, for the life of me--or MARJORY either, if it comes to
+that! This is going to be a lively dinner-party, I can see!
+
+    [_He gives his arm to_ Miss SEATON, _who accepts it without looking
+    at him; they go downstairs in constrained silence._
+
+(_End of Scene IV._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.--CITY IMPROVEMENTS.--How much longer are we to wait for
+the widening of the whole of Cheapside, the removal of the Post-Office
+Buildings to a more convenient site, and the total and unconditional
+sweeping away of Paternoster Row and the south side of Newgate Street?
+These slight alterations are _imperatively required_. They will only cost
+about ten millions, and what are ten millions to the Corporation? As I
+purchased the five square yards on which my little tobacco-shop is built
+in confident expectation of being bought out at a high figure, I consider
+that any further delay in the matter involves something like a breach of
+public faith. Why should not the Government help? They have lots of
+money, and I haven't.--DISINTERESTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FACTS AND FIGURES."--The business of the Labour Commissioner has to be
+very delicately managed. There must be a good deal of "give and take" in
+the work. However much "taking" there may be, there is sure to be plenty
+of _Giffen_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is something fascinating about the title of Mr. MCCULLAGH TORRENS'
+book, published in one handsome volume, by BENTLEY. There should be a
+good deal in _Twenty Years in Parliament_, more so when the epoch covers
+recollections of PALMERSTON in his green old age, Mr. GLADSTONE in his
+prime, BRIGHT in his political prize-fighting trim, COBDEN, TOM DUNCAN,
+MONCKTON MILNES, JOHN STUART MILL, ISAAC BUTT, and a host of other ghosts
+that have flitted off the scene. My Baronite turned to the book with
+gusto, read it through with patience, and left it with disappointment.
+Mr. TORRENS knew all these men personally; in fact, he was indispensable
+to them. One marvels to find, from hints dropped and assertions boldly
+made, how much they were severally indebted to him for counsel and
+inspiration through the twenty years the narrative vaguely covers. The
+figures of the men named loom large in history; but they were all
+stuffed. The wires were pulled by plain unappreciated MCCULLAGH TORRENS.
+The weight of the responsibility has had the effect of somewhat muddling
+the narrative, and, from time to time, the diligent reader does not know
+exactly where he is. He begins with some episode in which DIZZY, with arm
+affectionately linked with that of MCCULLAGH TORRENS, is walking along
+Pall Mall, when a passing Bishop obsequiously takes off his hat and bows.
+MCCULLAGH modestly says this obeisance was paid to DIZZY, but _we_ know
+very well it was to MCCULLAGH. Then, before we know where we are, we are
+in the middle of an account of the Bulgarian atrocities, the
+Russo-Turkish war, what Count BEUST said to MCCULLAGH, and how, in debate
+on the Vote of Six Millions, "a Right Hon. friend who sat next to me
+urged me to add a few words to what had been better said by others in
+this sense." Better said! Oh, MCCULLAGH! Oh, TORRENS! There is an ancient
+story of an old gentleman who had a treasured anecdote connected with the
+going off of a gun. When he could not drag it in otherwise, he was wont
+to furtively lift his foot and kick the table. "Hallo, what's that?" he
+cried. "Sounds like a gun; that reminds me"--and then the story. Thus Mr.
+TORRENS drags in successive Parliamentary episodes through twenty
+years--the Disestablishment of the Church, the Charity Commission, State
+Aid to Emigrants, School Board for London, Extradition, Artisans'
+Dwellings; gives a not very clear summary of events leading up to each,
+and then treats the entranced reader to the heads of the speech he
+delivered. The book would have been more accurately entitled had it been
+called _Twenty Years of McCullagh Torrens_, and old Members of the House
+of Commons will agree that this is a little too much.
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Three.
+
+  Some hold it a terrible fault of omission
+  That Parsons sit not on the Poor-Law Commission.
+  Alas! Hope would smile, but she finds it a rarity
+  For "Faith" not to hamper the freedom of Charity.
+  The world will look bright when we find in high places
+  A perfect accord 'twixt the Three Christian Graces!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRST BAL MASQUÉ OF THE SEASON.--Big success. Greater crowd there
+than when these entertainments came to an end at the beginning of last
+year. All sorts of disguises were permitted, but it is said that two
+_viveurs_ who came late, disguised in liquor, were denied entrance. The
+Snow Man found it very hot, and melted. Prizes were to be given away. But
+there was one prize, an elegant lady, closely masked and hooded, whose
+identity remained a puzzle to everybody. At last "she gave herself away."
+The happy recipient congratulated himself on winning the prize.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEXT, PLEASE!--Suggested subject for the next Newspaper Controversy:--"Is
+ROBERT BUCHANAN played out?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"RENT REDUCTIONS" can generally be satisfactorily made _pro tem._ with a
+needle and thread.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE PLAY'S THE THING!"
+
+"COULD I HAVE A FORTNIGHT'S LEAVE, SIR?" "WHAT FOR, PRAY?" "URGENT
+PRIVATE THEATRICALS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FISHERMAN AND THE GENIUS.
+
+(_Fragmentary and Unfinished Extracts from the Arabian Nights, Up to
+Date._)
+
+"Sir," said SHEEVERREADY, "how pleasant soever these stories may be that
+I have told your Majesty hitherto, they do not come near that of the
+Fisherman and the Genius."
+
+       *       *       *
+
+There was an ancient, but hale and opulent Fisherman, who had fished with
+much success for many a day in troubled waters. This practice of his
+involved him, of course, in extremely arduous labours, but resulted,
+generally, in securing him a fair share of hard-earned spoil, to the
+great envy of other fishermen of less hardihood and enterprise. He
+imposed it upon himself, however, as a law, not to cast his nets save
+during a certain season--or session, as he called it--which usually
+arrived but once a year.
+
+His fortune, for some fishing seasons past, had been of a variable, and
+not too satisfactory sort. It is _not_ encouraging, after casting one's
+nets during a prolonged spell of rough weather, and confidently
+anticipating a good draught of fish, to perceive that, instead of fish,
+there is nothing in one's net save such unsought spoil as the carcase of
+an Egyptian ass, a basket-full of gravel and slime of no substantial
+utility, or quantities of stones and mud, fit for nothing but for use as
+missiles among quarrelsome boys.
+
+"O Fortune," cried he; "be not so persistently perverse, nor persecute an
+ancient fisherman who groweth a-weary of tumultuous billows, turbid
+floods, broken and filth-obstructed nets, and unprofitable hauls!"
+
+       *       *       *
+
+Now, behold, it was told to this Fisherman by a certain Grand Old Voice,
+vague but sonorous, and voluble exceedingly, that if he would only make a
+complete change in his nets, and in the fashion of his fishing,
+miraculous draughts would become as common as minnows in a brook. This
+Voice visited our Fisherman often in his visions. And, behold, the
+Fisherman essayed the schemes suggested by the Voice. Not at first, it
+must be admitted, with supreme success, or entire satisfaction to the
+Fisherman himself. The Voice, however, attributed this qualified fortune
+to the Fisherman's lack of perfect trust, and of entire reform in his
+fashion of fishing. "Behold," cried the Voice, vibrating vehemently, "you
+have allowed yourself to be diverted by the sinister councils of
+antiquated obscurantists from implicit faith in my programmes and
+prescriptions!"
+
+"And what, in brief and plain language, _are_ these latter?" inquired the
+anxious but puzzled Fisherman.
+
+"Nay," answered the Voice, sardonically; "that were to inquire too
+nicely. But place your fortunes absolutely in my charge; follow my lead
+with unquestioning loyalty, and verily you shall see great results."
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The Fisherman, much impressed with these assurances, cast his nets once
+more in the new fashion; and when he thought it was time, he drew them in
+as formerly, with great difficulty. But, instead of fish, found nothing
+in them but a vessel of brass, which, by the weight, seemed to be full of
+something; and he observed that it was shut up with singular tightness,
+and sealed up with a thick coating of official-looking wax. And the Seal
+was Green, green as the abounding grass, or the scarce four-leaved
+shamrock of that amazing Isle of Emeralds, which some deem as much matter
+of myth as SINDBAD'S Valley of Diamonds.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The Fisherman examined the vessel on all sides, and shook it to see if
+what was in it made any noise, but heard nothing. This circumstance, with
+the impression of the seal upon the cover (which seemed to represent two
+Hearts linked in Union by some mystic abracadabra of unknown words) made
+him think there was something precious--or at least peculiar--in it. To
+try this, he opened it. He presently turned the mouth downward, but
+nothing came out, which surprised him extremely. He set it before him,
+and while he looked upon it attentively, there arose from it a very thick
+smoke, which obliged him to retire two or three paces from it.
+
+The smoke ascended to the clouds, and, extending itself along the sea and
+upon the shore, formed a great mist, which we may well imagine did
+mightily astonish the Fisherman. When the smoke was all out of the
+vessel, it slowly took shape, and became a solid-seeming body, of which
+there was formed a Genius twice as high and broad as any giant with which
+the Fisherman had been aforetime familiar. At the sight of a monster of
+such unsizeable bulk, and from which issued, in as yet unintelligible
+accents, a Voice which seemed strangely familiar to his ears, the
+Fisherman----Here SHEEVERREADY perceiving day, broke off her story--for
+the time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FISHERMAN AND THE GENIUS.
+
+(_Vide "Arabian Nights."_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VERY CONSIDERATE.
+
+_Mr. Phunkie._ "DEAW ME!--NEW RAILS, I DECLARE! NOW IF THERE IS A THING
+WHICH IS ANNOYING TO THE AGRICULTURIST, IN THE PRESENT STATE OF
+DEPRESSION, IT IS FOR PEOPLE TO GO RECKLESSLY SMASHING THINGS OF THAT
+SORT. I SHALL CERTAINLY PUT MYSELF TO THE INCONVENIENCE OF GOING
+_ROUND_--AHEM!--AS AN EXAMPLE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE TICKET-OF-LEAVE MAN" AT CAMBRIDGE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Well done, the A. D. C.! Their performance of TOM TAYLOR'S romantic,
+pathetic, melodramatic, crib-cracking, head- (though not always side-)
+splitting play, was an admirable one, carefully rehearsed, well
+stage-managed, and played with a fine feeling for the capital situations
+in which the piece abounds. Especially good was Mr. BROMLEY-DAVENPORT'S
+_Jem Dalton_, a finished and truculent presentment of which any young
+amateur and many an old professional might be proud. _Hawkshaw_ (Mr.
+DICKINSON), too, was excellent, and the _Bob Brierly_ of Mr. THORNTON,
+the _Sam Willoughby_ of Mr. THEOBALD, the _Green Jones_ of Mr. NORMAN,
+and the _Maltby_ of Mr. MARTINEAU, were all good in their several ways.
+As for the ladies--but who does not know the A. D. C. ladies, those
+visions of female loveliness, with big hands bass voices, and projecting
+knees? Mr. AGAR, whose waist cannot have really measured more than twenty
+inches round, was refined and charming as _Emily St. Evremond_, while Mr.
+CORNISH, though taller than most of his male associates, played _May
+Edwards_ quietly, and sympathetically. _Mrs. Willoughby_, the stage
+realisation of ARTHUR SKETCHLEY'S _Mrs. Brown_, had full justice rendered
+to her garrulous good-nature by Mr. STONE. But enough. It was a good
+performance. Memories came floating back of a notable performance of this
+same play by the A. D. C. far back in the remote ages between '70 and
+'80. The _Bob Brierly_ of those days has been Under-Secretary of State
+for India, _Hawkshaw_, the Detective, occupies a thorny throne as
+Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, while _Jem Dalton_ has become the Burglar at
+the Court Theatre--a very natural transition. Very great was Mr.
+BROOKFIELD fifteen years ago as the Cracksman, but great, also, was Mr.
+BROMLEY-DAVENPORT last week. _Dixi!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEARTH OF DANCING-MEN.
+
+My JULIA has been unusually fortunate this evening. She has only had to
+sit out thirteen dances, and has already been given half a polka by Mr.
+LAYSIBOHNS, who, however, seemed too tired to finish it. Her view is,
+that "half a loafer is better than no dance."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In order to get men, we have been obliged to invite the gentlemanly
+crossing-sweeper at the end of our road, two hawkers who sell blocks of
+wood in the street, a respectable coal-heaver, and our green-grocer's
+assistant. They have each had half-a-dozen dancing lessons (at our
+expense), and are to be paid a guinea a-piece, on condition that they
+dance at least six dances before going down to supper.
+
+Our boy BOB, who is always trying to be funny, says he is afraid engaging
+these people will turn put a "valse step."
+
+It certainly is rather slow for the Girls who have not had a partner all
+the evening. Still, I did _not_ expect them to bring pencils and paper
+with them, and play games of "consequences" in the billiard-room.
+
+Since Gentlemen have taken to sharing a dance among several Ladies, they
+have become very conceited. My EMILY is congratulating herself that she
+has secured one undivided sixteenth part of the next Lancers with that
+dear Mr. WYNN INGWAYS.
+
+A good part of Mr. MASHER'S income is, it is said, derived from the fact
+that Mothers, sooner than see their Girls sit idle all the evening, are
+willing to allow him a handsome commission on suitable introductions.
+
+BOB has asked JULIA a riddle, which is--"What is the difference between a
+game of whist and a ball-room?" The answer seems to be, that in whist you
+cut for partners, but, in a ball-room, possible partners cut you.
+
+It is quite true that we have decided to emigrate to North-West Colorado,
+as my Girls say they will have far more chance of partners in a country
+where the "surplus population" consists entirely of males.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TROP DE ZÈLE.
+
+_Hostess._ "WHY ARE SOME OF THE LIQUEUR GLASSES _EMPTY_, KATHLEEN?"
+
+_The New Parlour Maid._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MY LADY, THEY'RE FOR THIM AS
+DON'T TAKE ANY LIQUEUR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MARGARINA.
+
+A BACK-STREET BALLAD.
+
+AIR--"_Margarita._"
+
+  I passed along a dim back-street, Margarina!
+  In search of something good to eat, Margarina!
+    O pallid tripe! O "faggots" queer!
+    Was ever such strange human cheer?
+      And O my heart, I loathed thee so,
+      There on show, there on show, Margarina!
+
+  I saw thee in a sallow dab, Margarina!
+  Upon the grubby marble slab, Margarina!
+    O sickening stodge! O greasy shine!
+    O "Dairy Produce" miscalled "Fine"!
+      O haunt of all blue-flies that blow,
+      There on show, there on show, Margarina!
+
+  I fled along that gloomy street, Margarina!
+  Disgusted, sickened, sad, dead-beat, Margarina!
+    Yet still I see that dingy slab,
+    That oleaginous pale, pale dab.
+      And thou art still on sale I know,
+      Where soot-flakes all, and blue-flies blow, Margarina!
+
+  But every night at my snug tea, Margarina!
+  Over my toast I muse on thee, Margarina!
+    I sniff that smell, I see that dab,
+    That greasy, grimy, marble slab.
+      And thou art still the same I know,
+      The slum's strange love, the slum's strange love.
+      The poor man's "Butter," there on show! Margarina!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAM, who had been listening to a conversation among golf-players,
+and now flatters herself on knowing something about the game,
+observed--"I suppose, in the Season, instead of Five-o'clock Teas, the
+fashion at Hurlingham and those places will be to have Golf Teas." She
+didn't know that it was spelt 'Tees.'
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P.
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday, Jan. 31st._--Back again in old place, with
+SPEAKER in Chair, Mace on table, and Serjeant-at-Arms on guard. Nothing
+changed except the Government. Some old familiar faces gone; others
+replace them. Same old bustle, hearty greeting, and effusive
+hand-shaking.
+
+"There's only one thing," says ERSKINE, of Cardross, "that equals the
+hilarity of the opening of a New Session, and that is the joy with which
+the boys go off on the day of Prorogation."
+
+ERSKINE been in the Chair by the cross-benches some years now. Naturally
+growing philosophical; insensibly cultivates habit of sententious speech.
+
+"Wonder you can be so garrulous, TOBY," he says, "considering the number
+of Speeches you hear in a Session. We take in eloquence at the pores, and
+I for one have no tendency toward exudation."
+
+"Ah," I said, "perhaps that's the lack of exercise. Dear old GOSSET! he
+was better off in that respect. Remember how he used to waltz up and down
+between doorway and table with BRADLAUGH? A heavy partner, too,
+especially taken after dinner. But, on score of health, not by any means
+an undesirable variation on sedentary life."
+
+"Well, well," said ERSKINE, whose forbears were out in '45, "we must hope
+for the best." And the gallant Scot's hand involuntarily sought the hilt
+of his sword as his keen eye roved over the Clan gathered below the
+Gangway.
+
+A little odd at first to see Mr. G. on the Bench to the right of SPEAKER,
+Prince ARTHUR facing him on Opposition Bench. They seem to assume altered
+position quite naturally. Mr. G. looks pretty much as he has done any
+time these two years back. Eager, straight-backed, bright-eyed, smiling
+gaily in response to cheer that greets him from at present undivided
+majority.
+
+"Pretty well, thank you, TOBY. Only one thing the matter with me, and
+that, you know, doesn't mend as the years pass. Looking over MCCULLAGH
+TORRENS' book the other day, I noted what DIZZY said when that genial
+statesman, the former Member for Finsbury, inquired after the health of
+Lady BEACONSFIELD. 'They tell me she is better, but you know what better
+is at 83.' I'm as well as can be expected going o' 84. I must admit it's
+pretty well. I'll undertake to walk a mile, run a mile, eat a meal, and
+make a speech with any fellow ten years my junior."
+
+Certainly no one on Treasury Bench exceeds Mr. G. in vivacity or
+overflowing energy. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD looks very fit, but there's a
+massivity about his mirthful mood that becomes a Chancellor of the
+Exchequer with a contingent surplus. Is much comforted by consciousness
+that, whilst SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE views composition of Ministry with
+mixed feelings, and will not commit himself to promise of fealty till he
+is in possession of full details of their policy, he unreservedly
+approves the SQUIRE.
+
+On other side, Her Majesty's late Ministers in state of almost boisterous
+hilarity. Evidently inclined to regard deposition as a joke. Prince
+ARTHUR beaming with delight. Something curiously like a smile wreathes
+stolid countenance of Sir JAMES FERGUSSON.
+
+"It's their turn now," says Prince ARTHUR, gleefully rubbing his hands,
+"and I wish them joy of it. As for me, I shall live my Saturday to Monday
+in peace, and shall go to the Opera every Wednesday night in the Season."
+
+"You can go oftener if you like," said ELLIS ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight).
+"You may depend on my remaining here. I've thought of a good many things
+to say during the last six years."
+
+"Ha," said Prince ARTHUR, thoughtfully, "then perhaps I may absent myself
+through portions of other nights of the week."
+
+_Business done._--Address moved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY SHOOTING BEGINS, JANUARY 31.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIS LITTLE GAME AT THE COMEDY.
+
+[Illustration: Opening the Case.]
+
+[Illustration: Briscoe, having lost one suit, gains another.]
+
+Mr. Lestocq's amusing farce, _The Sportsman_, now being played at the
+Comedy Theatre, must inevitably recall to the experienced play-goer the
+plot and situations of _The Serious Family_ and _The Colonel_, _Truth_,
+_The Candidate_, _Artful Cards_, and it may be some others of the same
+extensive dramatic family. In this piece the husband, under pretence of
+joining a shooting-party, is accustomed to absent himself from home, in
+order to indulge his propensity for gambling, and he invariably brings
+home to his wife the hares and rabbits he has shot. This is "his little
+game." Just so did the husband in _The Serious Family_, when _Aminadab
+Sleek_ remarks that he has seen something very like them at a
+neighbouring poulterer's. In the Second Act the police make a raid on the
+gambling Club, and the husband escapes in any coat he can lay hold of,
+following the example of the unfortunate hero of _Artful Cards_, only
+that the situation at the end of _that_ Second Act was far stronger in
+that play than it is in _The Sportsman_. In _Artful Cards_ the
+unfortunate hero escaped, carrying a trombone, which turned up in
+evidence against him when he was inventing plausible explanations to his
+wife. In fact, _The Sportsman_ is concocted out of excellent old material
+cleverly worked up, with only one new point in it, to which, as it has
+escaped the eye of the English adapter, it would be useless to draw his
+attention; yet, had he seen it, he might therefrom have developed a
+really original sequence of perplexing situations. The dialogue is not
+particularly brilliant; jerky, not crisp. But such is the "go" of the
+principals, and especially of Mr. HAWTREY, who is the life and soul of
+the farce, that the laughter is hearty and continuous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PATRIOTISM AT THE LAW COURTS.
+
+(_As we expect to see it._)
+
+    ["THE INNS OF COURT AND THE VOLUNTEERS.--A Meeting was held
+    yesterday afternoon in the Banqueting Hall of Lincoln's Inn for
+    the purpose of taking such steps as might be deemed necessary to
+    revive the former numerical strength of the Inns of Court Corps of
+    Volunteers, now sadly below its proper strength."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Frequent Meetings in the Banqueting Hall will soon rectify the "reduced
+condition," and, after a few gatherings, a gallant and learned Q. C. will
+don his ancient tunic, and present himself at Head Quarters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE ETERNAL FEMININE!"
+
+(_By a candid--if capricious--Conjugator._)
+
+_Amo, amas_--All love a lass!
+
+_Amamus, amatis_--Churls cry, _jam satis_!
+
+_Amat, amant_--But that's masculine cant!
+
+_Amem, ames_--We wish to please.
+
+_Amemus, ametis_--'Cos love so sweet is.
+
+_Amet, ament_--Man's never content!
+
+_Amavissem_--We yearn to kiss 'em.
+
+_Amavisses_--They accept our kisses.
+
+_Ama, amato_--Lips like a tomato.
+
+_Amate, amanto_--Move many a canto.
+
+_Amare, amavisse_--We Marry sweet Missy.
+
+_Amans, amaturus_--Her charms to secure us.
+
+_Amandum, amandi_--As wives they come handy.
+
+_Amando, amandum_--But we don't understand 'em.
+
+_Amandum, amando_--Their novels are grand, oh!
+
+_Amatum, amatu_--Cries male critic, "I'll slate you!"
+
+_Amor, amaris, amatur_--Woman goes like thunder when a starter!
+
+_Amamur, amamini, amantur_--And she swears she'll lick us in a canter!
+
+_Amemur, amemini, amentur_--And 'twill take us all our time to prevent
+her!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEWEST HUMOUR.
+
+    ["The atmospheric envelope of the Globe is at present in a
+    baccilophil humour."--_Professor_ PETTENKOFER _on Microbes, quoted
+    by_ JAMES PAYN.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Is that the humour o 't, O learned Nym?
+  Well, these be days of mad and morbid whim,
+  When would-be wits strain wildly at a joke
+  As an o'erladen ox against the yoke.
+  But "a baccilophil humour"!--in the air!
+  Science does love the unlearned soul to scare,
+  But what does this thing mean? With fear to fill us?
+  Can aught thus love and cherish the Bacillus?
+  O "atmospheric envelope" _thy_ humour
+  Is worse than--Blank's--if we may trust this rumour.
+  Since microbe "humour" fills both air and earth,
+  Farewell to honest fun and wholesome mirth!
+  Adieu to genial DICKENS, gentle HOOD!
+  Hail to the peddling pessimistic brood
+  Whose "nimini-pimimi" mouths, too small by half
+  To stretch themselves to a Homeric laugh,
+  Mince, in a mirror, to the "Paphian Mimp!"
+  MOMUS is dead, and e'en that tricksy imp
+  Preposterous _Puck_ hath too much native grit
+  To take the taste of OSRICK turned a wit.
+  Humour baccilophil, microbic merriment,
+  Might suit him better. He will try the experiment.
+  His mirth's a smirk and not a paroxysm;
+  "Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism"
+  Do not disturb the "plie" of his prim lips,
+  Neither do cynic quirks and querulous quips.
+  Mirth would guffaw--when hearts and mouths were bigger,
+  OSRICK would shrink from aught beyond a snigger,
+  Such as is stirred by screeds of far-fetched whim.
+  Ay! that's the humour o't, sententious Nym.
+  Let's hail a dying century's latest birth,--
+  The Newest Humour--purged from taint of Mirth!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAM'S practical knowledge of French is not marvellous. She was
+discussing the question as to whether the French Working-classes cared
+for malt liquor as brewed in England. The excellent Lady observed--"I
+don't think so, because, if I remember rightly, when I was in Paris, I
+was told always to give the coachman money for drink, and this they
+called 'poor beer.' So they couldn't care for 'strong ale,' such as
+ours."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+104, February 4, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 20538-8.txt or 20538-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/5/3/20538/
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.