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+Project Gutenberg Etext Everybody's Business is Nobody's Business
+#8 in our series by Daniel Defoe
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+Everybody's Business is Nobody's Business
+
+by Daniel Defoe
+
+January, 2000 [Etext #2052]
+
+
+Project Gutenberg Etext Everybody's Business is Nobody's Business
+******This file should be named ebdyb10.txt or ebdyb10.zip******
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+Project Gutenberg Etext Everybody's Business is Nobody's Business
+******This file should be named ebdyb10.txt or ebdyb10.zip******
+
+
+
+
+
+EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS
+or,
+PRIVATE ABUSES, PUBLIC GRIEVANCES:
+EXEMPLIFIED
+In the Pride, Insolence, and exorbitant Wages of our Women,
+Servants, Footmen, &c.
+
+by Daniel Defoe
+
+
+
+
+WITH
+
+A Proposal for Amendment of the same; as also for clearing the
+Streets of those Vermin called Shoe-Cleaners, and substituting in
+their stead many Thousands of industrious Poor, now ready to
+starve.  With divers other Hints of great Use to the Public.
+
+Humbly submitted the Consideration of our Legislature, and the
+careful Perusal of all Masters and Mistresses of Families.
+
+BY ANDREW MORETON, Esq.
+
+The Fifth Edition, with the Addition of a Preface.
+
+
+
+
+THE PREFACE
+
+
+
+Since this little book appeared in print, it has had no less than
+three answers, and fresh attacks are daily expected from the powers
+of Grub-street; but should threescore antagonists more arise,
+unless they say more to the purpose than the forementioned, they
+shall not tempt me to reply.
+
+Nor shall I engage in a paper war, but leave my book to answer for
+itself, having advanced nothing therein but evident truths, and
+incontestible matters of fact.
+
+The general objection is against my style; I do not set up for an
+author, but write only to be understood, no matter how plain.
+
+As my intentions are good, so have they had the good fortune to
+meet with approbation from the sober and substantial part of
+mankind; as for the vicious and vagabond, their ill-will is my
+ambition.
+
+It is with uncommon satisfaction I see the magistracy begin to put
+the laws against vagabonds in force with the utmost vigour, a great
+many of those vermin, the japanners, having lately been taken up
+and sent to the several work-houses in and about this city; and
+indeed high time, for they grow every day more and more pernicious.
+
+My project for putting watchmen under commissioners, will, I hope,
+be put in practice; for it is scarce safe to go by water unless you
+know your man.
+
+As for the maid-servants, if I undervalue myself to take notice of
+them, as they are pleased to say, it is because they overvalue
+themselves so much they ought to be taken notice of.
+
+This makes the guilty take my subject by the wrong end, but any
+impartial reader may find, I write not against servants, but bad
+servants; not against wages, but exorbitant wages, and am entirely
+of the poet's opinion,
+
+
+The good should meet with favour and applause,
+The wicked be restrain'd by wholesome laws.
+
+
+The reason why I did not publish this book till the end of the last
+sessions of parliament was, because I did not care to interfere
+with more momentous affairs; but leave it to the consideration of
+that august body during this recess, against the next sessions,
+when I shall exhibit another complaint against a growing abuse, for
+which I doubt not but to receive their approbation and the thanks
+of all honest men.
+
+
+
+
+EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS
+
+by Daniel Defoe
+
+
+
+
+This is a proverb so common in everybody's mouth, that I wonder
+nobody has yet thought it worth while to draw proper inferences
+from it, and expose those little abuses, which, though they seem
+trifling, and as it were scarce worth consideration, yet, by
+insensible degrees, they may become of injurious consequence to the
+public; like some diseases, whose first symptoms are only trifling
+disorders, but by continuance and progression, their last periods
+terminate in the destruction of the whole human fabric.
+
+In contradiction therefore to this general rule, and out of sincere
+love and well meaning to the public, give me leave to enumerate the
+abuses insensibly crept in among us, and the inconveniences daily
+arising from the insolence and intrigues of our servant-wenches,
+who, by their caballing together, have made their party so
+considerable, that everybody cries out against them; and yet, to
+verify the proverb, nobody has thought of, or at least proposed a
+remedy, although such an undertaking, mean as it seems to be, I
+hope will one day be thought worthy the consideration of our king,
+lords, and commons.
+
+Women servants are now so scarce, that from thirty and forty
+shillings a year, their wages are increased of late to six, seven,
+nay, eight pounds per annum, and upwards; insomuch that an ordinary
+tradesman cannot well keep one; but his wife, who might be useful
+in his shop or business, must do the drudgery of household affairs;
+and all this because our servant-wenches are so puffed up with
+pride nowadays, that they never think they go fine enough:  it is a
+hard matter to know the mistress from the maid by their dress; nay,
+very often the maid shall be much the finer of the two.  Our
+woollen manufacture suffers much by this, for nothing but silks and
+satins will go down with our kitchen-wenches; to support which
+intolerable pride, they have insensibly raised their wages to such
+a height as was never known in any age or nation but this.
+
+Let us trace this from the beginning, and suppose a person has a
+servant-maid sent him out of the country, at fifty shillings, or
+three pounds a year.  The girl has scarce been a week, nay, a day
+in her service, but a committee of servant-wenches are appointed to
+examine her, who advise her to raise her wages, or give warning; to
+encourage her to which, the herb-woman, or chandler-woman, or some
+other old intelligencer, provides her a place of four or five
+pounds a year; this sets madam cock-a-hoop, and she thinks of
+nothing now but vails and high wages, and so gives warning from
+place to place, till she has got her wages up to the tip-top.
+
+Her neat's leathern shoes are now transformed into laced ones with
+high heels; her yarn stockings are turned into fine woollen ones,
+with silk clocks; and her high wooden pattens are kicked away for
+leathern clogs; she must have a hoop too, as well as her mistress;
+and her poor scanty linsey-woolsey petticoat is changed into a good
+silk one, for four or five yards wide at the least.  Not to carry
+the description farther, in short, plain country Joan is now turned
+into a fine London madam, can drink tea, take snuff, and carry
+herself as high as the best.
+
+If she be tolerably handsome, and has any share of cunning, the
+apprentice or her master's son is enticed away and ruined by her.
+Thus many good families are impoverished and disgraced by these
+pert sluts, who, taking the advantage of a young man's simplicity
+and unruly desires, draw many heedless youths, nay, some of good
+estates, into their snares; and of this we have but too many
+instances.
+
+Some more artful shall conceal their condition, and palm themselves
+off on young fellows for gentlewomen and great fortunes.  How many
+families have been ruined by these ladies? when the father or
+master of the family, preferring the flirting airs of a young
+prinked up strumpet, to the artless sincerity of a plain, grave,
+and good wife, has given his desires aloose, and destroyed soul,
+body, family, and estate.  But they are very favourable if they
+wheedle nobody into matrimony, but only make a present of a small
+live creature, no bigger than a bastard, to some of the family, no
+matter who gets it; when a child is born it must be kept.
+
+Our sessions' papers of late are crowded with instances of servant-
+maids robbing their places, this can be only attributed to their
+devilish pride; for their whole inquiry nowadays is, how little
+they shall do, how much they shall have.
+
+But all this while they make so little reserve, that if they fall
+sick the parish must keep them, if they are out of place, they must
+prostitute their bodies, or starve; so that from clopping and
+changing, they generally proceed to whoring and thieving, and this
+is the reason why our streets swarm with strumpets.
+
+Thus many of them rove from place to place, from bawdy-house to
+service, and from service to bawdy-house again, ever unsettled and
+never easy, nothing being more common than to find these creatures
+one week in a good family, and the next in a brothel.  This
+amphibious life makes them fit for neither, for if the bawd uses
+them ill, away they trip to service, and if the mistress gives them
+a wry word, whip they are at a bawdy-house again, so that in effect
+they neither make good whores nor good servants.
+
+Those who are not thus slippery in the tail, are light of finger;
+and of these the most pernicious are those who beggar you inchmeal.
+If a maid is a downright thief she strips you, it once, and you
+know your loss; but these retail pilferers waste you insensibly,
+and though you hardly miss it, yet your substance shall decay to
+such a degree, that you must have a very good bottom indeed not to
+feel the ill effects of such moths in your family.
+
+Tea, sugar, wine, &c., or any such trifling commodities, are
+reckoned no thefts, if they do not directly take your pewter from
+your shelf, or your linen from your drawers, they are very honest:
+What harm is there, say they, in cribbing a little matter for a
+junket, a merry bout or so?  Nay, there are those that when they
+are sent to market for one joint of meat, shall take up two on
+their master's account, and leave one by the way, for some of these
+maids are mighty charitable, and can make a shift to maintain a
+small family with what they can purloin from their masters and
+mistresses.
+
+If you send them with ready money, they turn factors, and take
+threepence or fourpence in the shilling brokerage.  And here let me
+take notice of one very heinous abuse, not to say petty felony,
+which is practised in most of the great families about town, which
+is, when the tradesman gives the house-keeper or other commanding
+servant a penny or twopence in the shilling, or so much in the
+pound, for everything they send in, and which, from thence, is
+called poundage.
+
+This, in my opinion, is the greatest of villanies, and ought to
+incur some punishment, yet nothing is more common, and our topping
+tradesmen, who seem otherwise to stand mightily on their credit,
+make this but a matter of course and custom.  If I do not, says
+one, another will (for the servant is sure to pick a hole in the
+person's coat who shall not pay contribution).  Thus this wicked
+practice is carried on and winked at, while receiving of stolen
+goods, and confederating with felons, which is not a jot worse, is
+so openly cried out against, and severely punished, witness
+Jonathan Wild.
+
+And yet if a master or mistress inquire after anything missing,
+they must be sure to place their words in due form, or madam huffs
+and flings about at a strange rate, What, would you make a thief of
+her?  Who would live with such mistrustful folks?  Thus you are
+obliged to hold your tongue, and sit down quietly by your loss, for
+fear of offending your maid, forsooth!
+
+Again, if your maid shall maintain one, two, or more persons from
+your table, whether they are her poor relations, countryfolk,
+servants out of place, shoe-cleaners, charwomen, porters, or any
+other of her menial servants, who do her ladyship's drudgery and go
+of her errands, you must not complain at your expense, or ask what
+has become of such a thing, or such a thing; although it might
+never so reasonably be supposed that it was altogether impossible
+to have so much expended in your family; but hold your tongue for
+peace sake, or madam will say, You grudge her victuals; and expose
+you to the last degree all over the neighbourhood.
+
+Thus have they a salve for every sore, cheat you to your face, and
+insult you into the bargain; nor can you help yourself without
+exposing yourself, or putting yourself into a passion.
+
+Another great abuse crept in among us, is the giving of veils to
+servants; this was intended originally as an encouragement to such
+as were willing and handy, but by custom and corruption it is now
+grown to be a thorn in our sides, and, like other good things,
+abused, does more harm than good; for now they make it a
+perquisite, a material part of their wages, nor must their master
+give a supper, but the maid expects the guests should pay for it,
+nay, sometimes through the nose.  Thus have they spirited people up
+to this unnecessary and burthensome piece of generosity unknown to
+our forefathers, who only gave gifts to servants at Christmas-tide,
+which custom is yet kept into the bargain; insomuch that a maid
+shall have eight pounds per annum in a gentleman's or merchant's
+family.  And if her master is a man of free spirit, who receives
+much company, she very often doubles her wages by her veils; thus
+having meat, drink, washing, and lodging for her labour, she throws
+her whole income upon her back, and by this means looks more like
+the mistress of the family than the servant-wench.
+
+And now we have mentioned washing, I would ask some good
+housewifely gentlewoman, if servant-maids wearing printed linens,
+cottons, and other things of that nature, which require frequent
+washing, do not, by enhancing the article of soap, add more to
+housekeeping than the generality of people would imagine?  And yet
+these wretches cry out against great washes, when their own
+unnecessary dabs are very often the occasion.
+
+But the greatest abuse of all is, that these creatures are become
+their own lawgivers; nay, I think they are ours too, though nobody
+would imagine that such a set of slatterns should bamboozle a whole
+nation; but it is neither better nor worse, they hire themselves to
+you by their own rule.
+
+That is, a month's wages, or a month's warning; if they don't like
+you they will go away the next day, help yourself how you can; if
+you don't like them, you must give them a month's wages to get rid
+of them.
+
+This custom of warning, as practised by our maid-servants, is now
+become a great inconvenience to masters and mistresses.  You must
+carry your dish very upright, or miss, forsooth, gives you warning,
+and you are either left destitute, or to seek for a servant; so
+that, generally speaking, you are seldom or never fixed, but always
+at the mercy of every new comer to divulge your family affairs, to
+inspect your private life, and treasure up the sayings of yourself
+and friends.  A very great confinement, and much complained of in
+most families.
+
+Thus have these wenches, by their continual plotting and cabals,
+united themselves into a formidable body, and got the whip hand of
+their betters; they make their own terms with us; and two servants
+now, will scarce undertake the work which one might perform with
+ease; notwithstanding which, they have raised their wages to a most
+exorbitant pitch; and, I doubt not, if there be not a stop put to
+their career, but they will bring wages up to 201. per annum in
+time, for they are much about half way already.
+
+It is by these means they run away with a great part of our money,
+which might be better employed in trade, and what is worse, by
+their insolent behaviour, their pride in dress, and their
+exorbitant wages, they give birth to the following inconveniences.
+
+First, They set an ill example to our children, our apprentices,
+our covenant servants, and other dependants, by their saucy and
+insolent behaviour, their pert, and sometimes abusive answers,
+their daring defiance of correction, and many other insolences
+which youth are but too apt to imitate.
+
+Secondly, By their extravagance in dress, they put our wives and
+daughters upon yet greater excesses, because they will, as indeed
+they ought, go finer than the maid; thus the maid striving to outdo
+the mistress, the tradesman's wife to outdo the gentleman's wife,
+the gentleman's wife emulating the lady, and the ladies one
+another; it seems as if the whole business of the female sex were
+nothing but an excess of pride, and extravagance in dress.
+
+Thirdly, The great height to which women-servants have brought
+their wages, makes a mutiny among the men-servants, and puts them
+upon raising their wages too; so that in a little time our servants
+will become our partners; nay, probably, run away with the better
+part of our profits, and make servants of us vice versa.  But yet
+with all these inconveniences, we cannot possibly do without these
+creatures; let us therefore cease to talk of the abuses arising
+from them, and begin to think of redressing them.  I do not set up
+for a lawgiver, and therefore shall lay down no certain rules,
+humbly submitting in all things to the wisdom of our legislature.
+What I offer shall be under correction; and upon conjecture, my
+utmost ambition being but to give some hints to remedy this growing
+evil, and leave the prosecution to abler hands.
+
+And first it would be necessary to settle and limit their wages,
+from forty and fifty shillings to four and five pounds per annum,
+that is to say, according to their merits and capacities; for
+example, a young unexperienced servant should have forty shillings
+per annum, till she qualifies herself for a larger sum; a servant
+who can do all household work, or, as the good women term it, can
+take her work and leave her work, should have four pounds per
+annum; and those who have lived seven years in one service, should
+ever after demand five pounds per annum, for I would very fain have
+some particular encouragements and privileges given to such
+servants who should continue long in a place; it would incite a
+desire to please, and cause an emulation very beneficial to the
+public.
+
+I have heard of an ancient charity in the parish of St. Clement's
+Danes, where a sum of money, or estate, is left, out of the
+interest or income of which such maid-servants, who have lived in
+that parish seven years in one service, receive a reward of ten
+pounds apiece, if they please to demand it.
+
+This is a noble benefaction, and shows the public spirit of the
+donor; but everybody's business is nobody's; nor have I heard that
+such reward has been paid to any servant of late years.  A thousand
+pities a gift of that nature should sink into oblivion, and not be
+kept up as an example to incite all parishes to do the like.
+
+The Romans had a law called Jus Trium Liberorum, by which every man
+who had been a father of three children, had particular honours and
+privileges.  This incited the youth to quit a dissolute single life
+and become fathers of families, to the support and glory of the
+empire.
+
+In imitation of this most excellent law, I would have such
+servants, who should continue many years in one service, meet with
+singular esteem and reward.
+
+The apparel of our women-servants should be next regulated, that we
+may know the mistress from the maid.  I remember I was once put
+very much to the blush, being at a friend's house, and by him
+required to salute the ladies, I kissed the chamber-jade into the
+bargain, for she was as well dressed as the best.  But I was soon
+undeceived by a general titter, which gave me the utmost confusion;
+nor can I believe myself the only person who has made such a
+mistake.
+
+Things of this nature would be easily avoided, if servant-maids
+were to wear liveries, as our footmen do; or obliged to go in a
+dress suitable to their station.  What should ail them, but a
+jacket and petticoat of good yard-wide stuff, or calimanco, might
+keep them decent and warm.
+
+Our charity children are distinguished by their dress, why then may
+not our women-servants? why may they not be made frugal per force,
+and not suffered to put all on their backs, but obliged to save
+something against a rainy day?  I am, therefore, entirely against
+servants wearing of silks, laces, and other superfluous finery; it
+sets them above themselves, and makes their mistresses contemptible
+in their eyes.  I am handsomer than my mistress, says a young
+prinked up baggage, what pity it is I should be her servant, I go
+as well dressed, or better than she.  This makes the girl take the
+first offer to be made a whore, and there is a good servant
+spoiled; whereas, were her dress suitable to her condition, it
+would teach her humility, and put her in mind of her duty.
+
+Besides the fear of spoiling their clothes makes them afraid of
+household-work; so that in a little time we shall have none but
+chambermaids and nurserymaids; and of this let me give one
+instance; my family is composed of myself and sister, a man and a
+maid; and, being without the last, a young wench came to hire
+herself.  The man was gone out, and my sister above stairs, so I
+opened the door myself; and this person presented herself to my
+view, dressed completely, more like a visitor than a servant-maid;
+she, not knowing me, asked for my sister; pray, madam, said I, be
+pleased to walk into the parlour, she shall wait on you presently.
+Accordingly I handed madam in, who took it very cordially.  After
+some apology, I left her alone for a minute or two; while I, stupid
+wretch! ran up to my sister, and told her there was a gentlewoman
+below come to visit her.  Dear brother, said she, don't leave her
+alone, go down and entertain her while I dress myself.
+Accordingly, down I went, and talked of indifferent affairs;
+meanwhile my sister dressed herself all over again, not being
+willing to be seen in an undress.  At last she came down dressed as
+clean as her visitor; but how great was my surprise when I found my
+fine lady a common servant-wench.
+
+My sister understanding what she was, began to inquire what wages
+she expected?  She modestly asked but eight pounds a year.  The
+next question was, what work she could do to deserve such wages? to
+which she answered, she could clean a house, or dress a common
+family dinner.  But cannot you wash, replied my sister, or get up
+linen? she answered in the negative, and said, she would undertake
+neither, nor would she go into a family that did not put out their
+linen to wash, and hire a charwoman to scour.  She desired to see
+the house, and having carefully surveyed it, said, the work was too
+hard for her, nor could she undertake it.  This put my sister
+beyond all patience, and me into the greatest admiration.  Young
+woman, said she, you have made a mistake, I want a housemaid, and
+you are a chambermaid.  No, madam, replied she, I am not
+needlewoman enough for that.  And yet you ask eight pounds a year,
+replied my sister.  Yes, madam, said she, nor shall I bate a
+farthing.  Then get you gone for a lazy impudent baggage, said I,
+you want to be a boarder not a servant; have you a fortune or
+estate that you dress at that rate?  No, sir, said she, but I hope
+I may wear what I work for without offence.  What you work,
+interrupted my sister, why you do not seem willing to undertake any
+work; you will not wash nor scour; you cannot dress a dinner for
+company; you are no needlewoman; and our little house of two rooms
+on a floor, is too much for you.  For God's sake what can you do?
+Madam, replied she pertly; I know my business; and do not fear a
+service; there are more places than parish churches; if you wash at
+home, you should have a laundrymaid; if you give entertainments,
+you must have a cookmaid; if you have any needlework, you should
+have a chambermaid; and such a house as this is enough for a
+housemaid in all conscience.
+
+I was pleased at the wit, and astonished at the impudence of the
+girl, so dismissed her with thanks for her instructions, assuring
+her that when I kept four maids she should be housemaid if she
+pleased.
+
+Were a servant to do my business with cheerfulness, I should not
+grudge at five or six pounds per annum; nor would I be so
+unchristian to put more upon any one than they can bear; but to
+pray and pay too is the devil.  It is very hard, that I must keep
+four servants or none.
+
+In great families, indeed, where many servants are required, those
+distinctions of chambermaid, housemaid, cookmaid, laundrymaid,
+nurserymaid, &c., are requisite, to the end that each may take her
+particular business, and many hands may make the work light; but
+for a private gentleman, of a small fortune, to be obliged to keep
+so many idle jades, when one might do the business, is intolerable,
+and matter of great grievance.
+
+I cannot close this discourse without a gentle admonition and
+reproof to some of my own sex, I mean those gentlemen who give
+themselves unnecessary airs, and cannot go to see a friend, but
+they must kiss and slop the maid; and all this is done with an air
+of gallantry, and must not be resented.  Nay, some gentlemen are so
+silly, that they shall carry on an underhand affair with their
+friend's servant-maid, to their own disgrace, and the ruin of many
+a young creature.  Nothing is more base and ungenerous, yet nothing
+more common, and withal so little taken notice of.  D-n me, Jack,
+says one friend to another, this maid of yours is a pretty girl,
+you do so and so to her, by G-d.  This makes the creature pert,
+vain, and impudent, and spoils many a good servant.
+
+What gentleman will descend to this low way of intrigue, when he
+shall consider that he has a footboy or an apprentice for his
+rival, and that he is seldom or never admitted, but when they have
+been his tasters; and the fool of fortune, though he comes at the
+latter end of the feast, yet pays the whole reckoning; and so
+indeed would I have all such silly cullies served.
+
+If I must have an intrigue, let it be with a woman that shall not
+shame me.  I would never go into the kitchen, when the parlour door
+was open.  We are forbidden at Highgate, to kiss the maid when we
+may kiss the mistress; why then will gentlemen descend so low, by
+too much familiarity with these creatures, to bring themselves into
+contempt?
+
+I have been at places where the maid has been so dizzied with these
+idle compliments that she has mistook one thing for another, and
+not regarded her mistress in the least; but put on all the flirting
+airs imaginable.  This behaviour is nowhere so much complained of
+as in taverns, coffeehouses, and places of public resort, where
+there are handsome bar-keepers, &c.  These creatures being puffed
+up with the fulsome flattery of a set of flesh-flies, which are
+continually buzzing about them, carry themselves with the utmost
+insolence imaginable; insomuch, that you must speak to them with a
+great deal of deference, or you are sure to be affronted.  Being at
+a coffeehouse the other day, where one of these ladies kept the
+bar, I had bespoke a dish of rice tea; but madam was so taken up
+with her sparks, she had quite forgot it.  I spake for it again,
+and with some temper, but was answered after a most taunting
+manner, not without a toss of the head, a contraction of the
+nostrils, and other impertinences, too many to enumerate.  Seeing
+myself thus publicly insulted by such an animal, I could not choose
+but show my resentment.  Woman, said I, sternly, I want a dish of
+rice tea, and not what your vanity and impudence may imagine;
+therefore treat me as a gentleman and a customer, and serve me with
+what I call for:  keep your impertinent repartees and impudent
+behaviour for the coxcombs that swarm round your bar, and make you
+so vain of your blown carcase.  And indeed I believe the insolence
+of this creature will ruin her master at last, by driving away men
+of sobriety and business, and making the place a den of vagabonds
+and rakehells.
+
+Gentlemen, therefore, ought to be very circumspect in their
+behaviour, and not undervalue themselves to servant-wenches, who
+are but too apt to treat a gentleman ill whenever he puts himself
+into their power.
+
+Let me now beg pardon for this digression, and return to my subject
+by proposing some practicable methods for regulating of servants,
+which, whether they are followed or not, yet, if they afford matter
+of improvement and speculation, will answer the height of my
+expectation, and I will be the first who shall approve of whatever
+improvements are made from this small beginning.
+
+The first abuse I would have reformed is, that servants should be
+restrained from throwing themselves out of place on every idle
+vagary.  This might be remedied were all contracts between master
+and servant made before a justice of peace, or other proper
+officer, and a memorandum thereof taken in writing.  Nor should
+such servant leave his or her place (for men and maids might come
+under the same regulation) till the time agreed on be expired,
+unless such servant be misused or denied necessaries, or show some
+other reasonable cause for their discharge.  In that case, the
+master or mistress should be reprimanded or fined.  But if servants
+misbehave themselves, or leave their places, not being regularly
+discharged, they ought to be amerced or punished.  But all those
+idle, ridiculous customs, and laws of their own making, as a
+month's wages, or a month's warning, and suchlike, should be
+entirely set aside and abolished.
+
+When a servant has served the limited time duly and faithfully,
+they should be entitled to a certificate, as is practised at
+present in the wool-combing trade; nor should any person hire a
+servant without a certificate or other proper security.  A servant
+without a certificate should be deemed a vagrant; and a master or
+mistress ought to assign very good reasons indeed when they object
+against giving a servant his or her certificate.
+
+And though, to avoid prolixity, I have not mentioned footmen
+particularly in the foregoing discourse, yet the complaints alleged
+against the maids are as well masculine as feminine, and very
+applicable to our gentlemen's gentlemen; I would, therefore, have
+them under the very same regulations, and, as they are fellow-
+servants, would not make fish of one and flesh of the other, since
+daily experience teaches us, that "never a barrel the better
+herring."
+
+The next great abuse among us is, that under the notion of cleaning
+our shoes, above ten thousand wicked, idle, pilfering vagrants are
+permitted to patrol about our city and suburbs.  These are called
+the black-guard, who black your honour's shoes, and incorporate
+themselves under the title of the Worshipful Company of Japanners.
+
+Were this all, there were no hurt in it, and the whole might
+terminate in a jest; but the mischief ends not here, they corrupt
+our youth, especially our men-servants; oaths and impudence are
+their only flowers of rhetoric; gaming and thieving are the
+principal parts of their profession; japanning but the pretence.
+For example, a gentleman keeps a servant, who among other things is
+to clean his master's shoes; but our gentlemen's gentlemen are
+above it nowadays, and your man's man performs the office, for
+which piece of service you pay double and treble, especially if you
+keep a table, nay, you are well off if the japanner has no more
+than his own diet from it.
+
+I have often observed these rascals sneaking from gentlemen's doors
+with wallets or hats' full of good victuals, which they either
+carry to their trulls, or sell for a trifle.  By this means, our
+butcher's, our baker's, our poulterer's, and cheesemonger's bills
+are monstrously exaggerated; not to mention candles just lighted,
+which sell for fivepence a pound, and many other perquisites best
+known to themselves and the pilfering villains their confederates.
+
+Add to this, that their continual gaming sets servants upon their
+wits to supply this extravagance, though at the same time the
+master's pocket pays for it, and the time which should be spent in
+a gentleman's service is loitered away among these rakehells,
+insomuch that half our messages are ineffectual, the time intended
+being often expired before the message is delivered.
+
+How many frequent robberies are committed by these japanners?  And
+to how many more are they confederates?  Silver spoons, spurs, and
+other small pieces of plate, are every day missing, and very often
+found upon these sort of gentlemen; yet are they permitted, to the
+shame of all our good laws, and the scandal of our most excellent
+government, to lurk about our streets, to debauch our servants and
+apprentices, and support an infinite number of scandalous,
+shameless trulls, yet more wicked than themselves, for not a Jack
+among them but must have his Gill.
+
+By whom such indecencies are daily acted, even in our open streets,
+as are very offensive to the eyes and ears of all sober persons,
+and even abominable in a Christian country.
+
+In any riot, or other disturbance, these sparks are always the
+foremost; for most among them can turn their hands to picking of
+pockets, to run away with goods from a fire, or other public
+confusion, to snatch anything from a woman or child, to strip a
+house when the door is open, or any other branch of a thief's
+profession.
+
+In short, it is a nursery for thieves and villains; modest women
+are every day insulted by them and their strumpets; and such
+children who run about the streets, or those servants who go on
+errands, do but too frequently bring home some scraps of their
+beastly profane wit; insomuch, that the conversation of our lower
+rank of people runs only upon bawdy and blasphemy, notwithstanding
+our societies for reformation, and our laws in force against
+profaneness; for this lazy life gets them many proselytes, their
+numbers daily increasing from runaway apprentices and footboys,
+insomuch that it is a very hard matter for a gentleman to get him a
+servant, or for a tradesman to find an apprentice.
+
+Innumerable other mischiefs accrue, and others will spring up from
+this race of caterpillars, who must be swept from out our streets,
+or we shall be overrun with all manner of wickedness.
+
+But the subject is so low, it becomes disagreeable even to myself;
+give me leave, therefore, to propose a way to clear the streets of
+these vermin, and to substitute as many honest industrious persons
+in their stead, who are now starving for want of bread, while these
+execrable villains live, though in rags and nastiness, yet in
+plenty and luxury.
+
+I, therefore, humbly propose that these vagabonds be put
+immediately under the command of such taskmasters as the government
+shall appoint, and that they be employed, punished, or rewarded,
+according to their capacities and demerits; that is to say, the
+industrious and docible to woolcombing, and other parts of the
+woollen manufacture, where hands are wanted, as also to husbandry
+and other parts of agriculture.
+
+For it is evident that there are scarce hands enow in the country
+to carry on either of these affairs.  Now, these vagabonds might
+not only by this means be kept out of harm's way, but be rendered
+serviceable to the nation.  Nor is there any need of transporting
+them beyond seas, for if any are refractory they should be sent to
+our stannaries and other mines, to our coal works and other places
+where hard labour is required.  And here I must offer one thing
+never yet thought of, or proposed by any, and that is, the keeping
+in due repair the navigation of the river Thames, so useful to our
+trade in general; and yet of late years such vast hills of sand are
+gathered together in several parts of the river, as are very
+prejudicial to its navigation, one which is near London Bridge,
+another near Whitehall, a third near Battersea, and a fourth near
+Fulham.  These are of very great hindrance to the navigation; and
+indeed the removal of them ought to be a national concern, which I
+humbly propose may be thus effected.
+
+The rebellious part of these vagabonds, as also other thieves and
+offenders, should be formed into bodies under the command of proper
+officers, and under the guard and awe of our soldiery.  These
+should every day at low water carry away these sandhills, and
+remove every other obstruction to the navigation of this most
+excellent and useful river.
+
+It may be objected that the ballast men might do this; that as fast
+as the hills are taken away they would gather together again, or
+that the watermen might do it.  To the first, I answer, that
+ballast men, instead of taking away from these hills, make holes in
+other places of the river, which is the reason so many young
+persons are drowned when swimming or bathing in the river.
+
+Besides, it is a work for many hands, and of long continuance; so
+that ballast men do more harm than good.  The second objection is
+as silly; as if I should never wash myself, because I shall be
+dirty again, and I think needs no other answer.  And as to the
+third objection, the watermen are not so public-spirited, they live
+only from hand to mouth, though not one of them but finds the
+inconvenience of these hills, every day being obliged to go a great
+way round about for fear of running aground; insomuch that in a few
+years the navigation of that part of the river will be entirely
+obstructed.  Nevertheless, every one of these gentlemen-watermen
+hopes it will last his time, and so they all cry, The devil take
+the hindmost.  But yet I judge it highly necessary that this be
+made a national concern, like Dagenham breach, and that these hills
+be removed by some means or other.
+
+And now I have mentioned watermen, give me leave to complain of the
+insolences and exactions they daily commit on the river Thames, and
+in particular this one instance, which cries aloud for justice.
+
+A young lady of distinction, in company with her brother, a little
+youth, took a pair of oars at or near the Temple, on April day
+last, and ordered the men to carry them to Pepper Alley Stairs.
+One of the fellows, according to their usual impertinence, asked
+the lady where she was going?  She answered, near St. Olave's
+church.  Upon which he said, she had better go through the bridge.
+The lady replied she had never gone through the bridge in her life,
+nor would she venture for a hundred guineas; so commanded him once
+more to land her at Pepper Alley Stairs.  Notwithstanding which, in
+spite of her fears, threats, and commands; nay, in spite of the
+persuasion of his fellow, he forced her through London Bridge,
+which frightened her beyond expression.  And to mend the matter, he
+obliged her to pay double fare, and mobbed her into the bargain.
+
+To resent which abuse, application was made to the hall, the fellow
+summoned, and the lady ordered to attend, which she did, waiting
+there all the morning, and was appointed to call again in the
+afternoon.  She came accordingly, they told her the fellow had been
+there, but was gone, and that she must attend another Friday.  She
+attended again and again, but to the same purpose.  Nor have they
+yet produced the man, but tired out the lady, who has spent above
+ten shillings in coach-hire, been abused and baffled into the
+bargain.
+
+It is pity, therefore, there are not commissioners for watermen, as
+there are for hackney coachmen; or that justices of the peace might
+not inflict bodily penalties on watermen thus offending.  But while
+watermen are watermen's judges, I shall laugh at those who carry
+their complaints to the hall.
+
+The usual plea in behalf of abusive watermen is, that they are
+drunk, ignorant, or poor; but will that satisfy the party
+aggrieved, or deter the offender from reoffending?  Whereas were
+the offenders sent to the house of correction, and there punished,
+or sentenced to work at the sandhills aforementioned, for a time
+suitable to the nature of their crimes, terror of such punishments
+would make them fearful of offending, to the great quiet of the
+subject.
+
+Now, it maybe asked, How shall we have our shoes cleaned, or how
+are these industrious poor to be maintained?  To this I answer that
+the places of these vagabonds may be very well supplied by great
+numbers of ancient persons, poor widows, and others, who have not
+enough from their respective parishes to maintain them.  These poor
+people I would have authorised and stationed by the justices of the
+peace or other magistrates.  Each of these should have a particular
+walk or stand, and no other shoe-cleaner should come into that
+walk, unless the person misbehave and be removed.  Nor should any
+person clean shoes in the streets, but these authorised shoe-
+cleaners, who should have some mark of distinction, and be under
+the immediate government of the justices of the peace.
+
+Thus would many thousands of poor people be provided for, without
+burthening their parishes.  Some of these may earn a shilling or
+two in the day, and none less than sixpence, or thereabouts.  And
+lest the old japanners should appear again, in the shape of
+linkboys, and knock down gentlemen in drink, or lead others out of
+the way into dark remote places, where they either put out their
+lights, and rob them themselves, or run away and leave them to be
+pillaged by others, as is daily practised, I would have no person
+carry a link for hire but some of these industrious poor, and even
+such, not without some ticket or badge, to let people know whom
+they trust.  Thus would the streets be cleared night and day of
+these vermin; nor would oaths, skirmishes, blasphemy, obscene talk,
+or other wicked examples, be so public and frequent.  All gaming at
+orange and gingerbread barrows should be abolished, as also all
+penny and halfpenny lotteries, thimbles and balls, &c., so frequent
+in Moorfields, Lincoln's-inn-fields, &c., where idle fellows
+resort, to play with children and apprentices, and tempt them to
+steal their parents' or master's money.
+
+There is one admirable custom in the city of London, which I could
+wish were imitated in the city and liberties of Westminster, and
+bills of mortality, which is, no porter can carry a burthen or
+letter in the city, unless he be a ticket porter; whereas, out of
+the freedom part of London, any person may take a knot and turn
+porter, till he be entrusted with something of value, and then you
+never hear of him more.
+
+This is very common, and ought to be amended.  I would, therefore,
+have all porters under some such regulation as coachmen, chairmen,
+carmen, &c.; a man may then know whom he entrusts, and not run the
+risk of losing his goods, &c.  Nay, I would not have a person carry
+a basket in the markets, who is not subject to some such
+regulation; for very many persons oftentimes lose their dinners in
+sending their meat home by persons they know nothing of.
+
+Thus would all our poor be stationed, and a man or woman able to
+perform any of these offices, must either comply or be termed an
+idle vagrant, and sent to a place where they shall be forced to
+work.  By this means industry will be encouraged, idleness
+punished, and we shall be famed, as well as happy for our
+tranquillity and decorum.
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg eText Everybody's Business is Nobody's Business
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