diff options
Diffstat (limited to '20083.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 20083.txt | 5451 |
1 files changed, 5451 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/20083.txt b/20083.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a8a39e --- /dev/null +++ b/20083.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5451 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Boswell of Baghdad, by E. V. Lucas + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Boswell of Baghdad + With Diversions + +Author: E. V. Lucas + +Release Date: December 10, 2006 [EBook #20083] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD *** + + + + +Produced by Audrey Longhurst and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD + + + + +OTHER WORKS BY E. V. LUCAS + +The Vermilion Box +Landmarks +Listener's Lure +Mr. Ingleside +Over Bemerton's +London Lavender +Cloud and Silver +Loiterer's Harvest +One Day and Another +Fireside and Sunshine +Character and Comedy +Old Lamps for New +The Hambledon Men +The Open Road +The Friendly Town +Her Infinite Variety +Good Company +The Gentlest Art +The Second Post +A Little of Everything +Harvest Home +Variety Lane +The Best of Lamb +The Life of Charles Lamb +A Swan and Her Friends +London Revisited +A Wanderer in Venice +A Wanderer in Paris +A Wanderer in London +A Wanderer in Holland +A Wanderer in Florence +The British School +Highways and Byways in Sussex +Anne's Terrible Good Nature +The Slowcoach +Remember Louvain! +Swollen-Headed William + +and + +The Pocket Edition of the Works of Charles +Lamb: I. Miscellaneous Prose; II. Elia; +III. Children's Books; IV. Poems and +Plays; V. and VI. Letters. + + + + +A BOSWELL OF +BAGHDAD + +WITH DIVERSIONS + +BY + +E. V. LUCAS + +THIRD EDITION + +METHUEN & CO. LTD. +36 ESSEX STREET W.C. +LONDON + +_This Book was First Published September 20th 1917_ + +_Second Edition December 1917_ + +_Third Edition 1918_ + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + +A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD 1 + + +DIVERSIONS-- + + NURSES 93 + + NO. 344260 99 + + THE TWO PERKINSES 106 + + ARTS OF INVASION 118 + + THE MARBLE ARCH AND PETER MAGNUS 128 + + THE OLDEST JOKE 133 + + THE PUTTENHAMS 140 + + POETRY MADE EASY 148 + + A PIONEER 153 + + FULL CIRCLE 158 + + A FRIEND OF MAN 164 + + THE LISTENER 171 + + THE DARK SECRET 176 + + THE SCHOLAR AND THE PIRATE 180 + + A SET OF THREE 191 + + A LESSON 196 + + +ON BELLONA'S HEM (SECOND SERIES)-- + + A REVEL IN GAMBOGIA 201 + + THE MISFIRE 207 + + A LETTER 212 + + A MANOR IN THE AIR 219 + + RIVALRY 223 + + A FIRST COMMUNION IN THE WAR ZONE 229 + + THE ACE OF DIAMONDS 234 + + THE REWARD OF OUR BROTHER THE POILU 239 + + NOTE 245 + + + + +=A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD= + + + + +A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD + +I.--INTRODUCTORY + + +A curious and very entertaining work lies before me, or, to be more +accurate, ramparts me, for it is in four ponderous volumes, capable, +each, even in less powerful hands than those of the Great Lexicographer, +of felling a bookseller. At these volumes I have been sipping, beelike, +at odd times for some years, and I now propose to yield some of the +honey--the season having become timely, since the great majority of the +heroes of its thousands of pages hail from Baghdad; and Baghdad, after +all its wonderful and intact Oriental past, is to-day under Britain's +thumb. + +The title of the book is _Ibn Khallikan's Biographical Dictionary_, +translated from the Arabic by Bn Mac Guckin de Slane, and printed in +Paris for the Oriental Translation Fund of Great Britain and Ireland, +1842-71, some centuries after it was written, for its author was dead +before Edward II ascended the English throne. Who would expect Sir +Sidney Lee to have had so remote an exemplar? + +Remote not only in time but in distance. For although we may go to the +East for religions and systems of philosophy that were old and proved +worthy centuries before Hellenism or Christianity, yet we do not usually +find there models for our works of reference. Hardly does Rome give us +those. But there is an orderliness and thoroughness about Ibn +Khallikan's methods which the _Dictionary of National Biography_ does +not exceed. The Persian may be more lenient to floridity ("No flowers, +by request," was, it will be remembered, the first English editor's +motto), but in his desire to leave out no one who ought to be in and to +do justice to his inclusions he is beyond praise. + +The modernity of the ancients is continually surprising us. It is one of +the phenomena to which we are never quite inured (and could we be so we +should perhaps merely substitute the antiquity of the moderns as a new +source of wonder), but towards such inuring Ibn Khallikan should +certainly help, since he was eminently a gossip, and in order to get +human nature's fidelity to the type--no matter where found, whether aeons +ago or to-day, whether in savage lands or, as we say, civilized--brought +home to us, it is to the gossips that we must resort: to the Pepyses and +Boswells rather than to the Goethes and Platos; to the little recorders +rather than the great thinkers. The small traits tell. + +Ibn Khallikan's Dictionary is as interesting as it is, not because its +author had any remarkable instinct as a biographer, or any gift of +selection, but because if a man sets out to take account of everything, +much human nature and a little excellence are bound to creep in. + +I do not pretend to have dug in these volumes with any great +seriousness. My object has been to extract what was odd and simple and +most characteristic, in short, what was most human, and there is enough +residuum for a horde of other miners. But I warn them that the dross is +considerable. Ibn Khallikan's leniency to trivialities is incorrigible, +and his pages are filled with pointless anecdotes, dull sayings, and +poetry whose only recommendation is its richness in the laboured +conceits that he loved. So much did he esteem them that were, say, all +English intellectual effort in every direction at his disposal to +descant upon, his favourite genius would probably be John Lyly. + +But although most of the poetry admired and quoted by Ibn Khallikan is +marked by affectation, now and then--but very rarely--it is beautifully +simple. Thus, in one of the poems of Ibn Zuhr, a learned Moslim teacher +and physician of Spain (1113-99), is expressed, with a tenderness and +charm that no modern or no Greek of the Anthology could exceed, the +ardent desire which he felt for the sight of his child, from whom he +happened to be separated: _I have a little one, a tender nestling, with +whom I have left my heart. I dwell far from him; how desolate I feel in +the absence of that little person and that little face. He longs for me, +and I long for him; for me he weeps, and I weep for him. Our +affectionate wishes are weary with passing from him to me, from me to +him._ + + +II.--IBN KHALLIKAN + +Let me say something as to who Ibn Khallikan was. His father, Muhammad +Ibn Ibrahim, was professor in the college at Arbela founded by Kukuburi, +or the Blue Wolf, the governor of that city and the region of which it +was the capital, the brother-in-law of Salah Ad-Din, the sultan, whom we +in England know as Saladin, the enemy of the Cross, and the son of Ali +Ibn Bektikin, known as "Little Ali, the Ornament of Religion." Kukuburi, +who, although standing for the Crescent and all that was most abhorrent +to our Crusaders, was famous as a founder of asylums, schools, hospitals +for the blind, homes for widows, orphanages, and so forth, made special +favourites of the family of which Ibn Khallikan was a scion. Ibn himself +was born on September 22, 1211, and before he was two had begun +instruction by his father and was the recipient of a certificate from +Zainab, a very learned lady, stating that he was an industrious pupil. + +In 1229, after having already read and studied much, particularly +theology and law, Ibn Khallikan left Arbela with his brother and +entered the college at Aleppo, then an educational centre, remaining +until 1234. After this he moved from one place to another, always +seeking more knowledge, until 1247-8, when he is found at Cairo +occupying a seat in the imperial tribunal and acting as deputy for the +kadi Sinjar, chief judge and magistrate of all Egypt. Later he himself +became the kadi of Al-Mahalla, and by 1256, when he was forty-five, he +had married, become a father, and had completed the first copy of his +_Biographical Dictionary_, which was, of course, as we must always +remember in connexion with the books mentioned in these Lives, a +manuscript. + +In 1261 he was appointed chief kadi over all the provinces of Syria, +with his tribunal at Damascus, in which post he remained for ten years. +He was not, however, sole kadi for long, as three others were appointed +to assist him: a development that was meat and drink to the local +satirists, one of whom wrote: _The men of Damascus are bewildered with +the multitude of legal decisions. Their kadis are all suns, and yet they +are in the dark._ Another said: _The people of Damascus have witnessed +a perfect miracle: the greater the number of suns the more the world is +in the dark._ Being found wanting, and replaced, Ibn Khallikan took a +professorship in Cairo, learned by heart further enormous quantities of +poetry, and engaged in literary discussions which, judging by a specimen +given in one of his Lives, were even more futile than discussions +usually are. + +The vicissitudes of fortune, always noticeably extreme in the East, +brought him again to be kadi at Damascus in 1278, when his reappointment +was signalized by public ceremonies, including the composition by +numberless poets of congratulatory and adulatory verses, which must have +been very dear to his simple old heart, and not the less so because he +may have discovered from his astonishing repertory that not all were +strictly original: such discoveries and the tracing back of the loans to +their fount being the greatest of his pleasures. + +Thereafter, until the year 1281, the Kadi lived with much honour, famed +as the most learned and widely-read personage in Damascus, filling his +house with scholars and discursive amateurs of verse, and engaging in +conversations that are described by a friend as "most instructive, +being entirely devoted to learned investigations and the elucidation of +obscure points." + +But Ibn Khallikan, who was now nearing three-score years and ten, was +destined still to misfortune, for suddenly, in 1281, he was deposed from +his kadi-ship and, more than that, thrown into prison on the charge of +having made a remark detrimental to the sultan, Kalavun. A pardon soon +after arriving, he was liberated and again reinstated; but after ten +more months as a kadi he was, in 1282, dismissed finally, and this time +he refused ever more to leave his house, and died there in the same +year. + +Not a word (you will say) so far as to Baghdad. But although Ibn +Khallikan spent most of his life in Egypt or Syria, the greater number +of his heroes were, as I have said, citizens all of the city of the +romance which recently has fallen to Sir Stanley Maude's gallant forces. +Yet of the romance which we shall always associate with Baghdad he knew +nothing. To him it was delectable (and perhaps even romantic too--each +of us having his own conception of what romance is) because grave +bearded men there taught religion, explained the _Koran_, disputed as +to points of grammar, exchanged sarcasms and swapped verses. Not, +however, as I hope to show, unamusingly. + +What indeed I particularly like about the book is the picture that it +gives of sardonic pleasantry and intellectual and sophisticated +virtuosity going quietly on side by side with all the splendours and +barbarities of absolute autocracy and summary jurisdiction. It throws a +new or unaccustomed light on those days. Not even yet--not even in +Bloomsbury, where the poets meet--have we in England anything quite like +it; whereas when Baghdad and Damascus were the theatres of these +poetical and hair-splitting competitions our ancestors had but just got +the woad off. + + +III.--MEN OF LETTERS + +Those of us who know Baghdad only through the _Arabian Nights_ and the +ingenious productions of Mr. Oscar Asche, were not prepared for such a +complete foreshadowing of the literary life and the literary temperament +as Ibn Khallikan gives us. + +Here, for example, is a poem by a book-lover--or manuscript-lover, to +be more exact--written by Ibn Faris Ar-Razi, the philologer, who died +before the Norman Conquest, which a later Occidental can cheerfully +accept and could not much improve upon: _They asked me how I was. I +answered: "Well, some things succeed and some fail; when my heart is +filled with cares I say: 'One day perhaps they may be dispelled.' A cat +is my companion; books, the friends of my heart; and a lamp, my beloved +consort."_ That is modern enough! Something of this kind, which is an +earlier version of Omar Khayyam's famous recipe for earthly bliss, has +often been attempted since by our own poets; but nothing better. +Favourite books, a lighted lamp, a faithful cat, and the library were +paradise enow. It is odd, by the way, that Omar Khayyam himself, +although his dates qualify him, is not found in this work. But to make +tents, even with leanings towards astronomy, was no high road to Ibn +Khallikan's sympathies. Had Omar explained the _Koran_ or had views on +the suffixes of words, all would have been well. + +While on the subject of sufficient paradises let me quote some verses by +Ibn Sukkara Al-Hashimi, a famous Baghdad poet of the tenth century: +_The winter set in, and I provided myself with seven things necessary +when the rain prevents us from pursuing our usual occupations. These +things are: A shelter, a purse, a stove, a cup of wine preceded by a bit +of meat, a tender maid, and a cloak._ + +Ibn Khallikan does not let it stop there, but fishes up from his memory +a derivative, by Ibn Al-Taawizi, running thus: _When seven things are +collected together in the drinking-room, it is not reasonable to stay +away. These are: Roast meat, a melon, honey, a young girl, wax-lights, a +singer to delight us, and wine._ + +So much for the modernity and sense of comfort of the Persian author, as +he flourished in Baghdad all those years ago. But there was then still +more in publishing than yet meets the eye. The books of the juriconsult, +Al-Mawardi, for example, reached posterity almost by chance. While he +lived he did not publish any of his works but put them all up together +in safety. On the approach of death, however, he said to a person who +possessed his confidence: "The books in such a place were composed by +me, but I abstained from publishing them, because I suspected, although +my intention in writing them was to work in God's service, that that +feeling, instead of being pure, was sullied by baser motives. Therefore, +when you perceive me on the point of death and falling into agony, take +my hand in yours, and if I press it, you will know thereby that none of +these works has been accepted [by God] from me. In this case, you must +take them all and throw them by night into the Tigris. But if I open my +hand and close it not, that is the sign of their having been accepted, +and that my hope in the admission of my intention as sincere and pure, +has been fulfilled." + +"When Al-Mawardi's death drew near," said his friend, "I took him by the +hand, and he opened it without closing it on mine, whence I knew that +his labours had been accepted, and I then published his works."--But +what a responsibility for a friend! + +Penmanship being, of course, the only medium between author and readers +in those days, it follows that calligraphy was held in high esteem, and +among famous calligraphers was Kabus Ibn Wushmaghir, who, although "the +greatest of princes, the star of the age, and the source of justice and +beneficence," thought it worth while (as all mighty rulers have not) to +write a most beautiful hand. When the Sahib Ibn Abbad saw pieces in his +handwriting, he used to say: "This is either the writing of Kabus or the +wing of a peacock"; and he would then recite these verses of +Al-Mutanabbi's: _In every heart is a passion for his handwriting; it +might be said that the ink which he employed was a cause of love. His +presence is a comfort for every eye, and his absence an affliction._ + +The extraordinary literary activity of those times may be illustrated by +the following passage dropped casually into the biographical notice of +Ali Talib: "The grandson of this thief was the famous Al-Asmai, the +philologer, who composed treatises on the following subjects: the human +frame; the different species of animals; on the _anwa_, or influence of +the stars on the weather; on the letter _hamza_; on the long and the +short _elif_; on the difference between the names given to the members +of the human body and those given to the same members in animals; on +epithets; on the doors of tents; on games of chance played with arrows; +on the frame of the horse; on horses; on camels; on sheep; on tents; on +wild beasts; on the first and fourth form of certain verbs; on proverbs; +on words bearing each two opposite significations; a vocabulary; on +weapons; on dialects; on the springs of water frequented by the nomadic +Arabs; a collection of anecdotes; on the principles of discourse; on the +heart; on synonymous terms; on the Arabian peninsula; on the formation +of derivative words; on the ideas which usually occur in poetry; on +nouns of action; on _rajaz_ verses; on the palm-tree; on plants; on +homonymous terms; on the obscure expressions met with in the Traditions; +on the witticisms of the desert Arabs." Ibn closes the list with the +word "etc." The late John Timbs could hardly beat this record of +industry and versatility. + +There is hope for authors in the following story of Ibn Al-Khashshab, +who knew the _Koran_ by heart and was a scholar of considerable +attainments. "When he died," says the Katib Imad Ad-Din, "I was in +Syria, and I saw him one night in a dream, and said to him: 'How has God +treated thee?' + +"'Well,' he replied. + +"'Does God show mercy to literary men?' + +"'Yes.' + +"'And if they have been remiss?' + +"'A severe reprimand will be given, but,' Al-Khashshab was moved to add, +and let us never forget it, 'then will come eternal happiness.'" + +There are other scraps of consolation, scattered about the volumes, +which apply not alone to men of letters. The Prophet, for example, once +said: "Every lie shall be written down as a lie by the recording angels, +with the exception of three: a lie told in order to reconcile two men; a +lying promise made by a man to his wife; and a lie in which a man, when +engaged in war, makes a promise or a threat." + +But the most solacing sentiment in the whole four volumes is by the poet +Abu Nuwas Ibn Hani, who carried Hedonism very far: _Multiply thy sins to +the utmost, for thou art to meet an indulgent Lord. When thou comest +before Him, thou shalt behold mercy and meet the great, the powerful +King. Then thou shalt gnaw thy hands with regret, for the pleasures +which thou avoidedst through fear of hell._--It is, says Ibn Khallikan, +a "very fine and original thought." It could certainly be a very +stimulating one. + + +IV.--THE FIRST GRAMMARIAN + +Grammarians and Traditionists (both given also to poesy) being Ibn +Khallikan's real heroes, let me say something of each. A Traditionist +was a learned man intimate with the _Koran_, whose duty it was to +separate the spurious traditions which so naturally would have collected +around such a figure as Muhammad from the true. As to the importance of +the _Koran_ in Moslim life and its place as the foundation of all Moslim +learning, let the translator of Ibn Khallikan be heard. "The necessity," +he says, "of distinguishing the genuine Traditions from the false gave +rise to new branches of literature. A just appreciation of the credit to +which each Traditionist was entitled could only be formed from a +knowledge of his moral character, and this could be best estimated from +an examination of his life. Hence the numerous biographical works +arranged in chronological order and containing short accounts of the +principal Traditionists and doctors of the law, with the indication of +their tutors and their pupils, the place of their birth and residence, +the race from which they sprung, and the year of their death. This again +led Moslim critics to the study of genealogy and geography. The use of +writing existed in Arabia before the promulgation of Islamism, but +grammar was not known as an art till the difficulty of reciting the +_Koran_ correctly induced the khalif Ali to make it an object of his +attention. He imposed on Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali the task of drawing up +such instructions as would enable the Moslims to read their sacred book +and speak their language without making gross faults." + +Another version of the beginnings of grammar eliminates the khalif Ali +altogether. The story goes that as Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali (603-88) +entered his house on a certain day, one of his daughters said to him: +"Papa! what is most beautiful in the sky?" + +To this he answered: "Its stars." + +But she replied: "Papa, I do not mean what is the most beautiful object +in it; I was only expressing my admiration at its beauty." + +"In that case you must say," he observed, "'How beautiful is the sky!'" + +Upon thinking this over, says Ibn Khallikan, Abu 'l-Aswad invented the +art of grammar. + +Abu 'l-Aswad Ad-Duwali thus is the father of this book, for had there +been no grammarians I am sure that Ibn Khallikan would never have +written it. Poetry tickled him; but grammar was his chief delight, as it +was the chief delight of all his friends and, one gathers, of all +Baghdad. Here is an example: "Al-Mamun, having asked Al-Yazidi about +something, received from him this answer: 'No; and may God accept my +life as a ransom for yours, Commander of the Faithful!' + +"'Well said!' exclaimed the khalif. 'Never was the word _and_ better +placed than in the praise which you have just uttered.'" He then made +him a present. + +We get an insight both into the passion for the new science of grammar +and what might be called the physical humour of the East in this +anecdote. Abu Safwan Khalid Ibn Safwan, a member of the tribe of Tamim, +was celebrated as an eloquent speaker. He used to visit Bilal Ibn Abi +Burda and converse with him, but his language was frequently +ungrammatical. This grew at length so irksome that Bilal said to him: "O +Khalid! you make me narrations fit for khalifs to hear, but you commit +as many faults against grammar as the women who carry water in the +streets." + +Stung with this reproach, Khalid went to learn grammar at the mosque, +and some time after lost his sight. From that period, whenever Bilal +rode by in state, he used to ask who it was, and on being answered that +it was the Emir, he would say: "There goes a summer-cloud, soon to be +dispelled." + +When this was told to Bilal, he exclaimed: "By Allah! it shall not be +dispelled till he get a full shower from it;" and he then ordered him a +whipping of two hundred strokes. + +When books were so few and most learning came through the ear, memory +had to be cultivated. The Traditionist, Ibn Rahwaih, was a Macaulay in +his way. "I know," he used to say, "by heart seventy thousand +traditions; I have read one hundred thousand, and can recollect in what +work each is to be found. I never heard anything once without learning +it by heart, nor learned anything by heart which I afterwards forgot." + +The sittings of the teacher, Ibn Al-Aarabi (767-846), who knew by heart +more poetry than any man ever seen, were crowded by people anxious for +instruction. Abu 'l-Abbas Thalah said: "I attended the sittings held by +Ibn Al-Aarabi, and saw there upwards of one hundred persons, some asking +him questions and others reading to him; he answered every question +without consulting a book. I followed his lessons upwards of ten years, +and I never saw him with a book in his hand; and yet he dictated to his +pupils camel-loads of philological information." + +The grammarian Moad Ibn Muslim Al-Harra left some good poetry, which he +gave as having been uttered by genii, demons and female demons. The +caliph Ar-Raschid once said to him: "If thou sawest what thou hast +described, thou hast seen wonders; if not, thou hast composed a nice +piece of literature." + +An-Nahhas the grammarian who, on being given a turban-cloth, would cut +it into three from avarice, met his death, in 950, in an unfortunate +manner--being, although living in so remote a period, mistaken for a +"profiteer." I quote Ibn Khallikan's words: "He had seated himself on +the staircase of the Nilometer, by the side of the river, which was then +on the increase, and began to scan some verses according to the rules of +prosody, when a common fellow who heard him said: 'This man is +pronouncing a charm to prevent the overflow of the Nile, so as to raise +the price of provisions.' He then thrust him with his foot into the +river and nothing more was heard of him." + +Not all these learned men were philosophical, even though they were +philosophers. Abu Nizar Ibn Safi Malik An-Nuhat assumed the title +"Prince of Grammarians," but if any other name was given to him by those +addressing him he would fly into a passion. + +The old fellows could be superstitious too. It is amusing to read that +Abu Obaida, when repeating passages of the _Koran_ or relating +Traditions, made mistakes designedly: "For," said he, "grammar brings +ill luck." + + +V.--THE FIRST PROSODIST + +After grammar, prosody. That a falling apple should lead Sir Isaac +Newton's thoughts to the problem of gravity is not so remarkable, but +that the laws of prosody should result from an equally capricious +occurrence strikes one as odd. I mention the discoverer's name partly +that schoolboys may remember him, or not, in their prayers. It was +Al-Khalil Ibn Ahmad who, at Mecca, had besought Allah to bestow upon him +a science hitherto unknown. Allah being in a complaisant mood, it +followed that not long after, walking in the bazaar, Al-Khalil invented +prosody as he passed a coppersmith's and heard him hammering a basin. + +Once started on his career as an inventor, he continued; but a later +discovery cost him dear, for having resolved on devising "a method of +calculation so simple that any servant girl who knew it could go to a +shopkeeper's without incurring the least possible risk of being deceived +by him in the sum she would have to pay, he entered the mosque with his +thoughts occupied on the subject, and he there struck against a pillar, +which his preoccupation hindered him from perceiving. The violence of +the shock threw him on his back, and death was the result." + +Al-Khalil used to remark that a man's reason and intelligence reached +perfection when he attained the age of forty, the age of the Prophet +when God sent him forth on his mission; but that they undergo alteration +and diminution when the man reaches sixty, the age in which God took the +Prophet's soul to himself. He said, again, that the intelligence is +clearest at the dawn of day. + + +VI.--A GROUP OF POETS + +No matter what the profession or calling of these Persians--whether they +were lawyers or lawgivers, grammarians or warriors--they all, or almost +all, adored verbal felicity and tried their hands at verse. Poetry may +be called the gold dust on their lives. + +Ibn Nubata the poet knew how to say thank you. Saif Ad-Dawlat Ibn Hamdan +having given him a horse, this is how he acknowledged it: _O prince! +thou whose generous qualities are the offspring of thy natural +disposition, and whose pleasing aspect is the emblem of thy mind, I have +received the present which thou sentest me, a noble steed whose portly +neck seems to unite the heavens to the earth on which he treads. Hast +thou then conferred a government upon me, since thou sendest me a spear +to which a flowing mane serves as a banner? We take possession of what +thou hast conferred and find it to be a horse whose forehead and legs +are marked with white, and whose body is so black that a single hair +extracted from that colour would suffice to form night's darkest shades. +It would seem that the morning had struck him on the forehead and thus +made it white, for which reason he took his revenge by wading into the +entrails of the morning, and thus whitening his legs. He paces slowly, +yet one of his names is Lightning; he wears a veil, having his face +covered with white, as if to conceal it, and yet beauty itself would be +his only rival. Had the sun and the moon a portion only of his ardour, +it would be impossible to withstand their heat. The eye cannot follow +his movements, unless you rein him in and restrain his impetuosity. The +glances of the eye cannot seize all his perfections, unless the eye be +led away captive by his beauty and be thus enabled to follow him._--I +like the extravagance of that. So should the friend of man be extolled. + +Emirs did not disdain to be poets. Majd Ad-Din Al-Mubarak Ibn Munkid, +although at once "The Sword of the Empire" and "The Glory of Religion," +wrote poetry, and not always on the most exalted themes. Among his +poems, for example, is one on fleas, in which those insects, of which +Emirs should know nothing, are thus described: _A race whom man is +permitted to slay, and who profane the blood of the pilgrim, even in the +sanctuary. When my hand sheds their blood, it is not their own, but +mine, which is shed._ "It is thus," says Ibn Khallikan gravely, "that +these two verses were recited and given as his, by Izz Ad-Din Abu +'l-Kasim Abd Allah Ibn Abi Ali Al-Husain Ibn Abi Muhammad Abd Allah Ibn +Al-Husain Ibn Rawaha Ibn Ibrahim Ibn Abd Allah Ibn Rawaha Ibn Obaid Ibn +Muhammad Ibn Abd Allah Ibn Rawaha Al-Ansari, a native of Hamat." + +Ibn Khallikan's greed for poetry led him, as I have said, not only to +quote most things that he could remember of each poet, but to cite also +the poems of which those reminded him. Sometimes he quoted before he +was sure of the author; but it made no difference. Thus, of Al-Farra the +grammarian he says: "No verses have been handed down as his excepting +the following, which were given by Abu-Hanifa Ad-Dinauri on the +authority of Abu Bakr At-Tuwal: _Lord of a single acre of ground, you +have nine chamberlains! You sit in an old ruin and have door-keepers who +exclude visitors! Never did I hear of a door-keeper in a ruined +dwelling! Never shall the eyes of men see me at a door of yours; a man +like me is not made to support repulses from door-keepers._" Having got +his quotation safely into print, Ibn Khallikan adds: "I since discovered +that these verses are attributed to Ibn Musa 'l-Makfuf. God knows best!" +It is a charming way of writing biography. The grass does not grow upon +the weir more easily. With such a rectifying or excusatory phrase as +"God knows best" one can hazard all. And how difficult it is to be the +first to say anything! + +Here is a poem by an Emir's vizier, Al-Wazi Al-Maghribi: _I shall relate +to you my adventure, and adventures are of various kinds. I one night +changed my bed and was abandoned by repose; tell me then how I shall be +on the first night which I pass in the grave?_ + +Another vizier, Ibn Al-Amid, the katib, who lived in the eleventh +century, wrote as follows: _Choose your friends among strangers, and +take not your near relations into favour. Relations are like scorpions +or even more noxious._ Asked which was the worse of his two recurring +maladies, gout or colic, he replied: "When the gout attacks me I feel as +if I were between the jaws of a lion devouring me, mouthful by mouthful; +when the colic visits me, I would willingly exchange it for the gout." + +Poetry in those days ran in families. The family which had the greatest +skill in the art was that of Hassan Ibn Abi Hafsa, for it produced six +persons, in succession, all of them poets. These were: Said, his father +Abd Ar-Rahman, his father Hassan, his father Thabit, his father +Al-Mundir, and his father Hizam. Abd Ar-Rahman began very young. It is +related that having been stung by a wasp, he went crying to his father, +who asked what was the matter. He replied: "I have been stung by a +flying thing, dressed, as it were, in a double cloak of striped cloth." + +"By Allah!" exclaimed the delighted father, recognizing a chip of the +old block, "thou hast there pronounced a verse." + +The family of Abi Hafsa came next to that of Hassan in poetical gifts. +The reason was, according to one statement, that they could "all touch +the point of their nose with their tongue, and this denotes a talent for +speaking with elegance and precision." "God knows," Ibn Khallikan adds, +"how far that may be true!" + +It was Marwan Ibn Abi Hafsa, of this family, who made such a mistake (in +a poet depending on the beneficence of the exalted) as to commit himself +to the sweeping statement, in his elegy on the death of Maan, the Emir, +that patronage had died with him. "It is said," Ibn Khallikan relates, +"that Marwan, after composing this elegy, could never gain anything by +his verses, for, as often as he celebrated the praises of a khalif or of +any other person less elevated in rank, he to whom the poem was +addressed would say to him: 'Did you not say, in your famous elegy: +_Whither should we go, since Maan is dead? Presents have ceased and are +not to be replaced?_' So the person he meant to praise would not give +him anything nor even listen to his poem." + +But once--having the persistency of the needy--Abi Hafsa scored. The +story goes that, entering into the presence of the khalif Al-Mahdi with +a number of other poets, he recited to him a panegyric. + +"Who art thou?" said the khalif. + +"Thy humble poet, Marwan, the son of Abi Hafsa." + +"Art thou," said the khalif with great presence of mind, remembering the +poet's useful indiscretion, "not he who said: _Whither should we go, +since Maan is dead?_ and yet thou hast come to ask gifts from us! +_Presents have ceased_; we have nothing for thee. Trail him out by the +leg!" + +They trailed him out by the leg, but, twelve months later, Marwan once +more contrived to gain admittance with the other poets, who, at that +time, were allowed to enter into the khalif's presence once a year. He +then stood before him and recited the kasada which begins thus: _A +female visitor came to thee by night; salute her fleeting image._ + +Al-Mahdi at first listened in silence, but as the poet proceeded, he +became gradually more and more agitated, till at length "he rolled on +the carpet with delight." + +He then asked how many verses were in the poem and, on being answered, +"One hundred," he ordered the author a--present of one hundred thousand +pieces of silver. + +The poet Ibn Ar-Rumi met his necessary end with composure. Al-Kasim Ibn +Obaid Allah Ibn Sulaiman Ibn Wahb, the vizier of Al-Motadid, dreading to +incur the satirical attacks of this writer and the outbursts of his +malignant tongue, suborned a person called Ibn Firas, who gave him a +poisoned biscuit whilst he was sitting in company with the vizier. + +When Ibn Ar-Rumi had eaten it, he perceived that he was poisoned, and he +rose to withdraw; on which the vizier said to him: "Where are you +going?" + +"To the place," replied Ibn Ar-Rumi, "where you sent me." + +"Well," observed the vizier, "you will present my respects to my +father." + +"I am not taking the road to hell," retorted the poet. + +Another poet, Ibn Sara As-Shantarini, falling upon evil days, became a +bookbinder. As such he wrote the following poem: _The trade of a +bookbinder is the worst of all; its leaves and its fruits are nought but +disappointment. I may compare him that follows it to a needle, which +clothes others but is naked itself!_ + + +VII.--POETRY'S REWARDS + +The Patron was a very real factor in the poetical life of Baghdad. + +Here is a story told by the poet Abu Bakr Ibn Al-Allaf. "I had passed a +night at the palace of Al-Motadid with a number of his other companions, +when a eunuch came to us and said: 'The Commander of the Faithful sends +to tell you that, after you withdrew, he did not feel inclined to sleep, +and composed this verse: _When the vision of my mistress, fleeting +through the shades of night, awoke me, behold! my chamber was deserted, +and far off was the place of our meeting_. He says also,' continued the +eunuch, 'that he cannot complete the piece, and will give a rich present +to anyone who adds to it a second couplet to his satisfaction.' + +"Those who were present failed in accomplishing the task, although they +were all poets of talent, on which I," says Abu Bakr, "hastened to +pronounce the following verse: _On this I said to my eyes: 'Sleep again; +perhaps the vision, in its night visits, may return to me!'_" + +The eunuch then retired, bearing Abu Bakr's not very remarkable effort +with him, and having come back, said: "The Commander of the Faithful +declares that your verse is perfect, and he has ordered you a present." + +Sometimes the passion for verse enjoyed and encouraged by these courtly +gentleman seems to reach absurd lengths. Thus Abu Tammam At-Tai, the +poet, once recited to the Emir Abu Dolad Al-Ijli the following lines: +_At the sight of dwellings abandoned like these, and places of joyous +meetings now deserted, our tears, long treasured up, were shed in +torrents!_ + +Abu Dolad so admired the piece that he gave the poet fifty thousand +dirhems, saying: "By Allah! it is less than your poem is worth; and +that idea is only surpassed in beauty by your elegy on the death of +Muhammad Ibn Hamid At-Tusi." + +"Which," asked Abu Tammam, "does the Emir mean?" + +"Why," said Abu Dolad, "your poem commencing thus: _Now let misfortune +do its worst, and time inflict its evils! There is no excuse for eyes +which have not shed their tears._ I wish, by Allah! that this elegy had +been composed by you on me." + +"Nay!" said the poet, "may I and my family die to save the Emir, and may +I leave the world before you!" + +To this Abu Dolad replied: "He whose death is deplored in verses like +those is immortal." + +Surely the palmy days of poetry have passed away. How one would like to +think of Mr. Kipling, say, being summoned to Buckingham Palace to speak +a piece and retiring with a cheque for L1025, which is what fifty +thousand dirhems come to. + +Gratitude, even when it is excessive, is always a good theme. In the +following case the proportions were respected with more fitness. +Al-Wazir Al-Muhallabi was both vizier and poet. He was also a very poor +vegetarian, and once, on a journey, being unable to obtain flesh-food, +he recited extempore these verses: _Where is death sold, that I may buy +it? for this life is devoid of good. Oh! let death, whose taste to me is +sweet, come and free me from a detested life! When I see a tomb from +afar, I wish to be its inhabitant. May the Being who granteth +tranquillity have compassion on the soul of the generous man who will +bestow death, as a charity, upon one of his brethren!_ These verses +being heard by a person who was travelling in the same caravan with him, +and whose name was Abd Allah As-Sufi (or, by another account, Abu +'l-Hasan Al-Askalani), he bought for Al-Muhallabi a dirhem's worth of +meat, cooked it, and gave it to him to eat. + +"They then," says Ibn, "separated, and Al-Muhallabi having experienced a +change of fortune, became vizier to Moizz Ad-Dawlat at Baghdad, while +the person who had travelled with him and purchased the meat for him was +reduced to poverty. Having then learned that Al-Muhallabi was a vizier, +he set out to find him and wrote to him these lines: _Repeat to the +vizier, for whose life I would sacrifice my own--repeat to him the words +of one who reminds him of what he has forgotten. Do you remember when, +in a life of misery, you said: 'Where is death sold, that I may buy +it?'_ The vizier on reading the note recollected the circumstance, and, +moved with the joy of doing a generous action, he ordered seven hundred +dirhems to be given to the writer, and inscribed these words on the +paper: _The similitude of those who lay out their substance in the +service of God is as a grain of corn which has produced seven ears and +in every ear a hundred grains; for God giveth many-fold to whom He +pleaseth._ He then prayed God's blessing on him, and clothed him in a +robe of honour, and appointed him to a place under government, so +that"--the corollary seems hardly worth adding--"he might live in easy +circumstances." + +Poetry was, you see, worth practising in Baghdad in those days; nor had +the poets any shame in accepting presents. What princes liked to give it +was not for poets to analyse or refuse. Al-Moizz Ibn Badis, sovereign of +Ifrikya and the son of Badis, was a patron indeed. "Poets," says Ibn +Khallikan, "were loud in his praise, literary men courted his patronage, +and all who hoped for gain made his court their halting-place." + +To the modern mind he was too easily pleased, if the following story is +typical. He was sitting, one day, in his saloon with a number of +literary men about him, when, noticing a lemon shaped like a hand and +fingers, he asked them to extemporize some verses on that subject. Abd +Abu Ali Al-Hasan Ibn Rashik Al-Kairawani at once recited the following +lines: _A lemon, with its extremities spread out, appears before all +eyes without being injured. It seems to hold out a hand towards the +Creator, invoking long life to the son of Badis._ + +Al-Moizz declared the verses excellent and showed more favour to the +author than to any other literary man in the assembly. + +Ready wit not less than poetical ingenuity could always win the respect +of these gentlemen, whose cynical cold-bloodedness and implacability +were ever ready to be diverted, provided that the diversion was +intellectual. For instance, it is related that Al-Hajjaj said to the +brother of Katari: "I shall surely put thee to death." + +"Why so?" replied the other. + +"On account of thy brother's revolt," answered Al-Hajjaj. + +"But I have a letter from the Commander of the Faithful, ordering thee +not to punish me for the fault of my brother." + +"Produce it." + +"I have something stronger than that." + +"What is it?" + +"The book of Almighty God, wherein He says: 'And no burdened soul shall +bear the burden of another.'" + +Al-Hajjaj was struck with his answer, and gave him his liberty. + +Among the lavish patrons of poets Saif Ad-Dawlat stands high. It is +related that he was one day giving audience in the city of Aleppo, and +poets were reciting verses in his praise, when an Arab of the desert, in +squalid attire, stepped forward and repeated these lines: _My means are +spent, but I have reached my journey's end. This is the glory of all +other cities, and thou, Emir! art the ornament whereby the Arabs surpass +the rest of men. Fortune, thy slave, has wronged us; and to thee we have +recourse against thy slave's injustice._ + +"By Allah!" exclaimed the prince, "thou hast done it admirably." He then +ordered him a present of two hundred gold pieces. + +Abu 'l-Kasim Othman Ibn Muhammad, a native of Irak and kadi of Ain +Zerba, relates as follows: "I was at an audience given by Saif Ad-Dawlat +at Aleppo, when the kadi Abu Nasr Muhammad Ibn Muhammad An-Naisapuri +went up to him, and having drawn an empty purse and a roll of paper out +of his sleeve, he asked and obtained permission to recite a poem which +was written on the paper. He then commenced his kasada, the first line +of which was: _Thy wonted generosity is still the same; thy power is +uncontrolled, and thy servant stands in need of one thousand pieces of +silver._ + +"When the poet had finished, Saif Ad-Dawlat burst into a fit of laughter +and ordered him a thousand pieces of gold, which were immediately put +into the purse he had brought with him." + +Here is a delightful account of the relations between a crafty poet and +a patron who was not wholly a fool. Abu Dulaf was a spirited, noble, and +generous chief, highly extolled for his liberality, courage, and +enterprise, noted for his victories and his beneficence. Men +distinguished in literature and the sciences derived instruction from +his discourse, and his talent was conspicuous even in the art of vocal +music. His praises were celebrated in kasadas of the greatest beauty. +Bakr Ibn An-Nattah said of him: _O thou who pursuest the study of +alchemy, the great alchemy consists in praising the son of Isa. Was +there but one dirhem in the world, thou wouldst obtain it by this +means._ + +It is stated that, for these two verses, Abu Dulaf gave Ibn An-Nattah +ten thousand dirhems. The poet then ceased visiting him for some time +and employed the money in the purchase of a village or estate on the +river Obolla. He afterwards went to see him, and addressed him in these +words: _Thanks to thee, I have purchased an estate on the Obolla, +crowned by a pavilion erected in marble. It has a sister beside it which +is now on sale, and you have always money to bestow._ + +"How much," said Abu Dulaf, "is the price of that sister?" + +The poet answered: "Ten thousand dirhems." + +Abu Dulaf gave him the money, and said: "Recollect that the Obolla is a +large river, with many estates situated on it, and that each of these +sisters has another at her side; so, if thou openest such a door as +that, it will lead to a breach between us. Be content with what thou +hast now got, and let this be a point agreed on." + +The poet then offered up prayers for his welfare and withdrew. + + +VIII.--A BRAVE POET + +The end of the munificent and splendid Ibn Bakiya was tragic, and it +leads to so fine and characteristic a story that I must tell it here: +partly in Ibn Khallikan's words and partly in my own. During the war +which was carried on between the two cousins Izz Ad-Dawlat and Adud +Ad-Dawlat, the former seized on Ibn Bakiya and, having deprived him of +sight, delivered him over to Adud Ad-Dawlat. That prince caused him to +be paraded about with a hood over his head, and then ordered him to be +cast to the elephants. Those animals killed him, and his body was +exposed on a cross at the gate called Bab At-Tak, near his own house. + +On his crucifixion, an adl of Baghdad, called Abu 'l-Hasan Muhammad Ibn +Omar Ibn Yakub Al-Anbari, deplored his fate in a beautiful poem, of +which this is one line: _I never saw a tree, before this, enabled to +sustain all that was generous._ + +Abu 'l-Hasan, on composing his elegy, copied it out and threw it into +one of the streets of Baghdad. + +It fell into the hands of the literati, who passed it one to another, +till Adud Ad-Dawlat was at length informed of its existence. He caused +it to be recited in his presence, and, struck with admiration at its +beauty, he exclaimed: "O that I were the person crucified, not he! Let +the poet be brought to me!" + +During a whole year strict search was made for the author, and the Sahib +Ibn Abbad who was then at Rai, being informed of the circumstance, wrote +out a letter of protection in favour of the poet. When Abu 'l-Hasan +heard of this, he went to the court of the Sahib and was asked by him if +it was he who had composed the verses. He replied in the affirmative, on +which the Sahib expressed the desire to hear them from his own mouth. +When Abu 'l-Hasan came to the verse, _I never saw a tree, before this, +enabled to sustain all that was generous_, the Sahib rose up and +embraced him, kissing him on the lips; he then sent him to Adud +Ad-Dawlat. + +When he appeared before Adud Ad-Dawlat, that prince said to him: "What +motive could have induced thee to compose an elegy on the death of my +enemy?" + +Abu 'l-Hasan replied: "Former obligations and favours granted long +since; my heart therefore overflowed with sorrow, and I lamented his +fate." + +There were wax-lights burning, at the time, before the prince, and this +led him to say to the poet: "Canst thou recollect any verses on +wax-lights?" and to this the other replied by the following lines: _The +wax-lights, showing their ends tipped with fire, seemed like the fingers +of thy trembling foes, humbly stretched forth to implore thy mercy._ + +On hearing these verses, Adud Ad-Dawlat clothed him in a pelisse of +honour and bestowed on him a horse and a bag of money. + + +IX.--A WESTERN INTERLUDE + +That beautiful phrase of the poet on his crucified hero--_I never saw a +tree, before this, enabled to sustain all that was generous_--has an +oddly close parallel, which I am tempted to record here: a phrase, not +less beautiful, used by a modern Frenchman, also of a dead man and a +tree. It occurs in a letter written by Francois Bonvin on the death of +his brother, Leon, the painter of flowers. Leon Bonvin's work is little +known and there is little of it, but those who possess examples treasure +them like black pearls. Francois Bonvin, who is represented in the +National Gallery, in the modern French and Dutch room, by a scene of +cattle painted with great decision and confidence and breadth, and who +died in 1888, was the son of a policeman at Vaugiraud, on the outskirts +of Paris: an old soldier who divided his time between protecting the +property of the market gardeners and constructing rockeries for poor +people's windows. Another, and the youngest son, was Leon, who after a +shy and lonely boyhood and youth, under the tyranny of his father, which +was mitigated by rambles in the neighbouring forest of Meudon, gathering +flowers and painting them under his brother's encouragement with a +felicity and fidelity that have not been surpassed, fell, when still +quite young, into the hands of a shrewish vulgar wife, and with her +opened a tavern. No couple could be more ill-assorted than this gentle +creature, full of poetry and feeling, whose one ambition was to set +exquisitely on paper the blossoms which gave him pleasure, and the +noisy, bustling, angry woman whom he had married. + +The union and the commercial venture were alike disastrous; unhappiness +was accompanied by poverty, and after a short period of depression the +unfortunate artist, early one morning, in his thirty-third year, +wandered into the forest of Meudon, where the world had once spread so +happily before his eyes, and hanged himself. + +All this happened in the middle years of the last century, when the same +revival of nature-worship was inspiring painters in France as had, fifty +years earlier, flushed Wordsworth's poetry, and such famous and more +fortunate contemporaries of Leon Bonvin as Corot and Rousseau and Millet +and Daubigny and Jacque and Dupre were painting in the forest of +Fontainebleau. Theirs to succeed; poor Leon found life too hard, and was +dead when still far from his prime. + +And what of the notable phrase? It is one that I know I shall never +forget, one that will remain indissolubly linked to the name of Bonvin, +whether it is Leon who inspired it or Francois who penned it and who had +been so useful in providing his brother with the materials for his one +absorbing pleasure and had always exhorted him to "do everything from +nature." Writing to some one of influence in Paris, Francois told the +story of his brother's death. In a postscript he added the information +that the weight of Leon's body had broken a branch of the tree. Then +came the words: "This is the only damage he ever did." + +Could there be a more beautiful epitaph or a more poignant commentary on +a world askew? + + +X.--PERSIAN HUMOUR + +Persian humour is a stealthier thing than English humour. We like to +laugh; the sudden surprise pleases us. But these old ruminative +observers of life, even if they rapped out a sarcasm now and then, were +normally happiest when their fancy was playing quietly around an idea: +fetching similes for it from every quarter and accumulating +extravagances. Thus: "It is related by Abu 'l-Khattab Ibn Aun Al-Hariri, +the poet and grammarian, that he went one day to visit An-Nami, and +found him seated. His hair was white like the Thaghama when in flower, +but one single black hair still remained. + +"'Sir!' said Ibn Aun, 'there is a black hair in your head.' + +"'Yes,' replied An-Nami, 'it is the sole remnant of my youth, and I am +pleased with it; I have even written verses on it.' + +"Then, at the request of Ibn Aun, he recited these lines: _In that head +a single hair still appeared, preserving its blackness; 'twas a sight +which rejoiced the eyes of my friends. I said to my white hairs, which +had put it in fear: 'I implore you! respect it as a stranger. A dark +African spouse will not long remain in the house where the second wife +is white of skin.'_" + +One of the worthiest representatives of the humorists of the book is Abu +Dulama, a black Abyssinian, whose wits never failed him. Here is the +poem which he recited when ordered by Ruh, the governor of Basra, to +attack one of the enemy single-handed: _I fly to Ruh for refuge; let +him not send me to a combat in which I shall bring disgrace upon the +tribe of Asad. Your father Al-Muhallab left you as a legacy the love of +death; but such a legacy as that I have inherited from none. And this I +know well, that the act of drawing near to enemies produces a separation +between souls and bodies._ + +Ruh positively declared, however, that Abu Dulama should go forth and +fight, enforcing the command with the pertinent question, "Why do you +receive pay from the sultan?" + +"To fight for him," replied Abu. + +"Then," said Ruh, "why not go forth and attack that enemy of God?" + +"If I go forth to him, O Emir," replied the Abyssinian, "I shall be sent +to join those who are dead and gone; and the condition I made with the +sultan was, to fight for him, but not to die for him." + +Another wit, Osama Ibn Murshid, having had a tooth drawn, produced the +following verses, either at the time, for the delectation of the +dentist, or afterwards, when seated among his friends: _I had a +companion of whom I was never tired, who suffered in my service, and +laboured with assiduity; whilst we were together I never saw him; and +when he appeared before my eyes, we had parted for ever._ + +This is how Osama wrote when the house of a miser was burnt down: _See +how the progress of time constrains us to acknowledge that there is a +destiny. Ibn Talib never lit a fire in his house, through avarice, yet +by fire it was destroyed._ + +"One thing," says Ibn Khallikan, in the notice of this satirist, "brings +on another." He then proceeds: "Abu 'l-Hasan Yahya Abd Al-Azim Al-Misri, +surnamed Al-Jazzar, recited to me the following verses which he had +composed on another literary man at Cairo, far advanced in age, who, +being attacked by a cutaneous eruption, anointed himself with sulphur: +_O, learned master, hearken to the demand of a friend devoid of sarcasm: +thou art old, and of course art near to the fire of hell; why then +anoint thyself with sulphur?_" + +As a further quite unnecessary proof of the antiquity of jests which we +think new, I might append to this excellent sarcasm by a friend devoid +of sarcasm the story, often now told, of the rival chemists in a +provincial town, one of whom was old-fashioned and costly, and the other +new and cheap. To the costly one, who had asked too much for sulphur, a +customer remarked that if he went to the new shop opposite he could get +it for fourpence; which brought from the old-fashioned chemist, weary of +this competition, the admirable retort that if he went still farther, to +a certain place, he would get it for nothing. + +East and West join hands again. When I was a boy living in a town by the +sea, one of my heroes in real life--whom I never knew, but admired +fearfully from a distance--was a famous stockbroker, whose splendid name +I could give if I chose. One of his many mansions was here, and I used +to see him often as he managed the finest pair of horses on the south +coast, which he drove in a phaeton with red wheels, always smoking a +cigar as he did so. Many were the stories told of his princely Victor +Radnor-ish ways, one of which credited him with a private compartment on +the train, into which his guests walked without a ticket--a magnificent +idea!--and another stated that he bought his trousers a hundred pairs +at a time. And then I open this book and read that Barjawan, an +Ethiopian eunuch, after being stabbed to death by the prince's +umbrella-bearer, was found to possess a thousand pairs of trousers. + +Not a little of the humorous effect of these Persian sayings comes from +their dry frankness. For example: Ibn Omair, a trustworthy traditionist, +when, once, he was ill, and a person sent his excuses for not going to +visit him, answered: "I cannot reproach a person for not visiting me, +whom I myself should not go to visit were he sick." Modern would-be wits +might take the hint; for with candour so scarce, and self-criticism +usually ending in a verdict of complete innocence, the blurted naked +truth, not unaccompanied by a sidelong thrust at the speaker's own +fallibility, would always produce the required laugh. + + +XI.--THE SATIRISTS + +Al-Yazidi, a story of whom I quoted above, was a teacher of Koranic +readings, a grammarian and a philologer, who taught in Baghdad in the +ninth century. He was also a famous satirist; but satire seems to have +been easier then than now. So at least I gather from the epigram which +Al-Yazidi wrote upon Al-Asmai Al-Bahili: _You who pretend to draw your +origin from Asma, tell me how you are connected with that noble race. +Are you not a man whose genealogy, if verified, proves that you descend +from Bahila?_ "This last verse," said Ibn Al-Munajjim, "is one of the +most satirical which have been composed by the later poets." + +I need hardly say that Ibn Khallikan, with his eagle eye and fierce +memory, does not let the originality of this pass unchallenged. The +idea, he tells us, is borrowed from the verse in which Hammad Ajrad +attacked Bashshar, the son of Burd. I like its directness. _You call +yourself the son of Burd, though you are the son of another man. Or, +grant that Burd married your mother, who was Burd?_ + +In sarcasms Al-Yazidi was hard pressed by Abu Obaida, who was a very Mr. +Brown (_vide_ Bret Harte) in being of "so sarcastic a humour that every +one in Basra who had a reputation to maintain was obliged to flatter +him." When dining once with Musa Ibn Ar-Rahman Al-Hilali, one of the +pages spilled some gravy on the skirt of Abu Obaida's cloak. + +"Some gravy has fallen on your cloak," said Musa, "but I shall give you +ten others in place of it." + +"Nay!" replied Abu Obaida, "do not mind! _Your_ gravy can do no harm." + +Another of Al-Yazidi's satirical efforts, which has no forerunner in Ibn +Khallikan's recollection, is this, levelled at another mean +acquaintance; meanness, indeed, being one of the unpardonable +offences--especially in the eyes of poets who lived on patronage: _Be +careful not to lose the friendship of Abu 'l-Mukatil when you approach +to partake of his meal. Breaking his crumpet is for him as bad as +breaking one of his limbs. His guests fast against their will, and +without meaning to obtain the spiritual reward which is granted to +fasting._ + +Apropos of sarcasm, the Merwanide Omaiyide, who reigned in Spain, +received from Nizar, the sovereign of Egypt, an insulting and satirical +letter, to which he replied in these terms: "You satirize us because you +have heard of us. Had we ever heard of you, we should make you a +reply." + +None of the sarcastic wits are more pointed than the blind mawla Abu +'l-Aina (806-96), whose tongue was venomously barbed, and who, like +other blind men, often used his malady as a protection when his satire +had been excessive. Viziers were his favourite butts. Being one day in +the society of one of them, the conversation turned on the history of +the Barmekides and their generosity, on which the vizier said to Abu +'l-Aina, who had just made a high eulogium of that family for their +liberality and bounty: "You have praised them and their qualities too +much; all this is a mere fabrication of book-makers and a fable imagined +by authors." + +Abu 'l-Aina immediately replied: "And why then do book-makers not relate +such fables of you, O vizier?" + +Again, having gone one day to the door of Said Ibn Makhlad and asked +permission to enter, Abu 'l-Aina was told that the vizier was engaged in +prayer. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "there is a pleasure in novelty." + +"I am told," said a khalif to him, "that thou hast an evil tongue." + +"Commander of the Faithful!" replied Abu 'l-Aina, "the Almighty himself +has spoken praise and satire," and he then quoted this poem: _If I +praise not the honest man and revile not the sordid, the despicable, and +the base, why should I have the power of saying, "That is good and this +is bad"? And why should God have opened men's ears and my mouth?_ + +Having one day a dispute with a descendant of the Prophet, his adversary +said to Abu 'l-Aina: "You attack me, and yet you say in your prayers: +'Almighty God! bless Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.'" + +"Yes," replied Abu 'l-Aina, "but I add--'who are virtuous and pure.'" + +Here is one of the stories which Abu 'l-Aina used to tell. "I was one +day sitting with Abu 'l-Jahm, when a man came in and said to him: 'You +made me a promise, and it depends on your kindness to fulfil it.' + +"Abu 'l-Jahm answered that he did not recollect it, and the other +replied: 'If you do not recollect it, 'tis because the persons like me +to whom you make promises are numerous; and if I remember it, 'tis +because the persons like you to whom I may confidently address a +request are few.' + +"'Well said! Blessings on your father!' exclaimed Abu 'l-Jahm, and the +promise was immediately fulfilled." + +That blind men should be self-protective is of course, natural, and the +East has always been rich in them. "The learned Muwaffak Ad-Din +Muzaffar, the blind poet of Egypt, having gone to visit Al-Kadi As-Said +Ibn Sana Al-Mulk, the latter said to him: 'Learned scholar! I have +composed the first hemistich of a verse, but cannot finish it, although +it has occupied my mind for some days.' + +"Muzaffar asked to hear what he had composed, and the other recited as +follows: _The whiteness of my beard proceeds from the blackness of her +ringlets--_ + +"On hearing these words, Muzaffar replied that he had found their +completion, and recited as follows:--_even as the flame with which I +burn for her acquired its intensity from her pomegranate-flower [her +rosy cheeks]_. + +"As-Said approved of the addition, and commenced another verse on the +same model; but Muzaffar said to himself: 'I must rise and be off, or +else he will make the entire piece at the expense of my wits.'" + + +XII.--AN EARLY CHESS CHAMPION + +Much has been written of the origin of chess, and many countries contend +for the honour of its inception. According to my encyclopaedia, China, +India, Persia, and Egypt have each a claim, but it is probable that the +game existed, in some form or other, before history. The theory is that +the Arabs introduced it to Europe in the eighth century. Thus the +cautious encyclopaedia; but Ibn Khallikan has no such hesitancy. From him +we get names and dates. Ibn Khallikan gives the credit boldly to one +Sissah, who, says he, "imagined the game for the amusement of King +Shihram." Whether Sissah built it out of a clear sky, or had foundations +on which to erect, is not stated. Anyway, the pastime was a complete +success. "It is said that, when Sissah invented the game of chess and +presented it to Shihram, the latter was struck with admiration and +filled with joy; he ordered chess-boards to be placed in the temples, +and considered that game as the best thing that could be learned, +inasmuch as it served as an introduction to the art of war, as an honour +to religion and the world, and as the foundation of all justice. + +"He manifested also his gratitude and satisfaction for the favour which +Heaven had granted him in illustrating his reign by such an invention, +and he said to Sissah, 'Ask me for whatever you desire.' + +"'I then demand,' replied Sissah, 'that a grain of wheat be placed in +the first square of the chess-board, two in the second, and that the +number of grains be progressively doubled till the last square is +attained: whatever this quantity may be, I ask you to bestow it on me.' + +"The king, who meant to make him a present of something considerable, +exclaimed that such a recompense would be too little, and reproached +Sissah for asking for so inadequate a reward. + +"Sissah declared that he desired nothing but what he had mentioned, and, +heedless of the king's remonstrances, he persisted in his demand. + +"The king, at length, consented, and ordered that quantity of wheat to +be given him. When the chiefs of the government office received orders +to that effect, they calculated the amount, and answered that they did +not possess near so much wheat as was required. + +"These words were reported to the king, and he, being unable to credit +them, ordered the chiefs to be brought before him. Having questioned +them on the subject, they replied that all the wheat in the world would +be insufficient to make up the quantity. He ordered them to prove what +they said, and, by a series of multiplications and reckonings, they +demonstrated to him that such was the fact. + +"On this, the king said to Sissah: 'Your ingenuity in imagining such a +request is yet more admirable than your talent in inventing the game of +chess.'" + +Ibn Khallikan was at pains to investigate the matter. Having, he says, +"met one of the accountants employed at Alexandria, I received from him +a demonstration which convinced me that the declaration was true. He +placed before me a sheet of paper in which he had doubled the numbers up +to the sixteenth square, and obtained thirty-two thousand seven hundred +and sixty-eight grains. 'Now,' said he, 'let us consider this quantity +to be the contents of a pint measure, and this I know by experiment to +be true'--these are the accountant's words, so let him bear the +responsibility--'then let the pint be doubled in the seventeenth square, +and so on progressively. In the twentieth square it will become a waiba +(peck), the waibas will then become an irdabb (bushel), and in the +fortieth square we shall have one hundred and seventy-four thousand +seven hundred and sixty-two irdabbs. Let us suppose this to be the +contents of a corn store, and no corn store contains more than that; +then in the fiftieth square we shall have the contents of one thousand +and twenty-four stores; suppose these to be situated in one city--and no +city can have more than that number of stores or even so many--we shall +then find that the sixty-fourth and last square gives sixteen thousand +three hundred and eighty-four cities. Now, you know that there is not in +the world a greater number of cities than that, for geometry informs us +that the circumference of the globe is eight thousand parasangs; so +that, if the end of a cord were laid on any part of the earth, and the +cord passed round it till both ends met, we should find the length of +the cord to be twenty-four thousand miles, which is equal to eight +thousand parasangs.' This demonstration is decisive and indubitable." + +Of Sissah I know no more, except that he was from India and that his +game became popular. Up to the time of Ibn Khallikan, in the thirteenth +century, its best player was one As-Suli, famous as an author and a +convivialist, who died one hundred and twenty years before the Norman +Conquest. "To play like As-Suli" was indeed a proverb. Among this +proficient's friends was his pupil, the khalif Ar-Radi, who had the +greatest admiration for As-Suli's genius. One day, for instance, walking +with some boon companions through a garden filled with beautiful +flowers, Ar-Radi asked them if they ever saw a finer sight. To this they +replied, speaking as wise men speak to autocratic rulers, that nothing +on earth could surpass it. + +The retort of the khalif must have given them the surprise of their +lives. "You are wrong," said he: "As-Suli's manner of playing chess is +yet a finer sight, and surpasses all you could describe!" So might we +now refer to Hobbs on his day at the Oval, on a hard wicket, against +fast bowling, with Surrey partisans standing four deep behind the seats, +or to Stevenson nursing the balls from the middle pocket to the top +left-hand pocket and then across to the right. + +One more anecdote of the Persian Steinitz, and I have done. I tell it +because it rounds off this interlude with some symmetry by bringing us +back to my own consultation of the encyclopaedia at the beginning of it. +As-Suli had a famous library of books in which he had jotted down the +fruits of his various reading. When asked a question on any subject, +instead of answering it he would tell his boy to bring such and such a +volume in which the matter at issue was treated. This trait led to an +epigram being written upon him by a rival scholar, Abu Said, to the +effect that "of all men As-Suli possessed most learning--in his +library." There are still men learned on the same terms, but, nowadays, +we do not have to collect the information for ourselves but go to _The +Times_ and Messrs. Chambers for it. + + +XIII.--COURTESY AND JUSTICE + +Harun Ar-Raschid passing near Manbij with Abd Al-Malik Ibn Salih, who +was the most elegant speaker of all the surviving descendants of +Al-Abbas, observed a well-built country-seat and a garden full of trees +covered with fruit, and asked to whom that property belonged. + +Abd Al-Malik replied: "To you, Commander of the Faithful! and then to +me." + +This Abd Al-Malik was so famous, as a story-teller that a wise man said +of him: "When I reflect that Abd Al-Malik's tongue must sooner or later +moulder into dust, the world loses its value in my sight." + +Abu 'l-Amaithal, the poet, was also a most efficient courtier. As he +kissed one day the hand of Abd Allah Ibn Tahir, that prince complained +of the roughness of the poet's moustachios, whereupon he immediately +observed that the spines of the hedgehog could not hurt the wrist of the +lion. Abd Allah was so pleased with this compliment that he ordered him +a valuable present. + +Another graceful compliment. Of Ishak Ibn Ibrahim Al-Mausili, who was +famous for his voice and was a "constant companion of the khalifs in +their parties of pleasure," the khalif Al-Motasim charmingly said: +"Ishak never yet sang without my feeling as if my possessions were +increased." + +Another compliment that goes still deeper. Abu Nuwas, in a lament +composed on the death of the khalif Al-Amin, said of him: _His death was +the only thing I feared, and now nothing remains for me to dread._ + +These, however, were but speeches. Compliments may be conveyed also by +deeds, as we find in the case of Imam Al-Haramain, who was so learned +and acceptable a teacher that, at the moment of his death, his scholars, +who were four hundred and one in number, broke their pens and inkhorns; +and they let a full year pass over before they resumed their studies. Of +these Persians we can believe in the sincerity; but the motives of +English scholars performing a similar act of renunciation might be open +to suspicion. + +Badi Az-Zaman Az-Hamadani was famous for his epistolary style. Here is a +passage which, though written in Persia in the tenth century, might have +aptness in English country houses at this moment: _When water has long +remained at rest, its noxious qualities appear; and when its surface has +continued tranquil, its foulness gets into motion. Thus it is with a +guest: his presence is displeasing when his stay has been protracted, +and his shadow is oppressive when the time for which he should sojourn +is at an end. Adieu._ + +The khalif Ali Ibn Ali Talib was a very just man. Some one having +committed a theft was brought before him. "Bring me witnesses," said +Ali, "to prove that he purloined the object out of the saddle-bag." + +Unmistakable evidence to that effect being given, Ali immediately +ordered the fingers of his hand to be cut off. + +On this some person said to him: "Commander of the Faithful! why not cut +it off by the wrist?" + +"God forbid!" exclaimed the khalif; "how could he then lean on his +staff? How could he pray? How could he eat?" + +In the Life of Ibn Abd Al-Barr, a Traditionist of Cordova, who, "it is +stated, died in the year 380 (A.D. 990), but God knows best," a number +of good stories are collected. This is one. "It is related that, when +Adam was sent out of Paradise and down to earth by Almighty God, the +angel Gabriel went to him and said: 'O Adam! God here sends you three +qualities, so that you may select one of them for yourself and leave the +two others.' + +"'What are they?' said Adam. + +"Gabriel replied: 'Modesty, Piety, and Intelligence.' + +"'I choose Intelligence,' said Adam. + +"The angel then told Modesty and Piety to return to Heaven, because Adam +had made choice of Intelligence. + +"They answered: 'We will not return.' + +"'How!' said he. 'Do you mean to disobey me?' + +"They replied: 'We do not, but our orders were, never to quit +Intelligence wherever she might be.'" + +Another story showing how destructively effective may be the use of +fairness--politeness with the buttons off--is of an Arab who, on being +insulted copiously by a stranger, remained silent. To the question why +he did not reply, he said: "I know not the man's vices and am unwilling +to reproach him with defects he may not have." + +Two other anecdotes are of the famous jester, Al-Jammaz. The first tells +how at Basra a man perceiving the new moon, which indicated the +beginning of the month of fasting, Ramadan, pointed it out eagerly to +his companions. "When the moon which indicates the end of the fast was +nearly due, Al-Jammaz knocked at the door of this too officious person +and said: 'Come! get up and take us out of the scrape into which you +brought us.'" + +Al-Jammaz was delighted with the following example of his readiness. +"One rainy morning," he said, "I was asked by my wife what was best to +be done on such a day as that, and I answered: 'Divorcing a troublesome +wife.' This stopped her mouth." + +Al-Mubarrad used frequently to recite these lines at his assemblies: _O +you who, in sumptuous array, strut about like princes and scorn the +hatred of the poor, know that the saddle-cloth changeth not the nature +of the ass, neither do splendid trappings change the nature of the pack +horse._ + +When Al-Mubarrad died a poet wrote of him: _Behold the mansion of +literature half-demolished, and destruction awaiting the remainder._ +That was in 899. + +To excuse himself for a want of social ceremony, Ibn Abi 's-Sakr, "an +amateur of the belles-lettres," who died in 1105, composed these verses: +_An indisposition called eighty years hinders me from rising to receive +my friends; but when they reach an advanced age, they will understand +and accept my excuse._ + +Old age occurs also in a poem of Al-Otbi, who died in 842: _When Sulaima +saw me turn my eyes away--and I turn my glances away from all who +resemble her--she said: "I saw thee mad with love"; and I replied: +"Youth is a madness of which old age is the cure."_ This phrase, says +Ibn Khallikan, afterwards became a proverb. Most nations have anecdotes +in which the idea occurs. + +The following anecdote of the kadi Shuraih, who was famous not only for +his "great skill in distinguishing right from wrong" but also for his +humour, is very pleasing. Adi Ibn Arta, who was blind, went to the +kadi's house one day, and the following dialogue ensued: + +"Where are you, kadi? May God direct you!" + +"I am between you and the wall." + +"Listen to me." + +"I can hear very well." + +"I am a native of Syria." + +"It is a distant land." + +"And I have married a wife from your country." + +"May you live happily and have many children!" + +"And I wanted to take her on a journey." + +"Each man has the best right over his own family." + +"But I engaged not to remove her from her native place." + +"Engagements are binding." + +"Judge then between us." + +"I have already done so." + +"And against whom have you given it?" + +"Against your mother's son." + +"On whose evidence?" + +"On the evidence of your maternal aunt's sister's son." + +I find a similar quality--not un-Johnsonian--in the reply of At-Tirmidi +the juriconsult to a question, as reported by Abu 't-Taiyib Ahmad Ibn +Othman As-Simsar. "I was," said he, "at Abu Jaafar At-Tirmidi's when a +person consulted him about the saying of the Prophet, that God descended +to the heaven of the world (i.e. the lowest of the seven heavens). This +person expressed his desire to know how there could, in that case, be +anything more exalted than the lowest heaven? + +"At-Tirmidi replied: 'The descent is intelligible; the manner how is +unknown; the belief therein is obligatory; and the asking about it is a +blameable innovation.'" + +The kadi Yahya Ibn Aktham, although famous for his licentiousness, was +orthodox to the marrow. It was he who said: "The _Koran_ is the word of +God, and whoever says that it has been created by man should be invited +to abandon that opinion; and if he do not, his head should be struck +off." + +The following dialogue between Yahya and a man is very characteristic of +dry Persian sagacity. The man began it, thus: "May God preserve you! How +much should I eat?" + +Yahya replied: "Enough to get over hunger and not enough to attain +satiety." + +"How long may I laugh?" + +"Till your face brightens, but without raising your voice." + +"How long should I weep?" + +"Weeping should never fatigue you, if it be through fear of God." + +"What actions of mine should I conceal?" + +"As many as you can." + +"What are the actions which I should do openly?" + +"Those which may serve as examples to good and virtuous men, whilst they +secure you from public reprobation." + +On this the man exclaimed: "May God preserve us from words which abide +when deeds have passed away!" It is possible that there were reserves of +meaning in this final speech, for Yahya's surname Aktham signifies +either "a corpulent man" or "sated with food." + +I have not borrowed much from Ibn Khallikan's heroics, but this is good. +Al-Moizz having conquered Egypt, he entered Old Cairo. His pretensions +to be a descendant of Ali had already been contested, and on his +approach the people of the city went forth to meet him, accompanied by a +band of sharifs, and Ibn Tabataba, who was one of the number, asked him +from whom he drew his descent. + +To this question Al-Moizz replied: "We shall hold a sitting to which all +of you shall be convened, and there we shall expose to you the entire +chain of our genealogy." + +Being at length established in the castle of Cairo, he gave a public +audience, as he had promised, and having taken his seat, he asked if any +of their chiefs were still alive? + +"No," replied they, "not one of any consequence survives." + +He then drew his sword half-way out of the scabbard and exclaimed: "This +is my genealogy! And here," said he, scattering a great quantity of gold +among them, "are proofs of my nobility!" + +On this they all acknowledged him for their lord and master. + + +XIV.--THE ASCETICS + +Of Bishr Ibn Al-Harith Al-Hafi, one of Baghdad's holiest ascetics, it is +told that his choice of the life of saintliness thus came about. +Happening to find on the road a leaf of paper with the name of God +written on it, which had been trampled underfoot, he bought ghalia with +some dirhems which he had about him, and, having perfumed the leaf with +it, deposited it in a hole in a wall. + +Afterwards he had a dream, in which a voice seemed to say to him: "O +Bishr! thou hast perfumed my name, and I shall surely cause thine to be +a sweet odour both in this world and the next." + +When he awoke, he gave up the world, and turned to God. + +Bishr being once asked with what sauce he ate his bread, replied: "I +think on good health, and I take that as my sauce." + +One of his prayers was this: "O, my God! deprive me of notoriety, if +thou hast given it to me in this world for the purpose of putting me to +shame in the next." + +It was a true saying of another famous ascetic, Al-Fudail, that, when +God loves a man, He increases his afflictions, and when He hates a man, +He increases his worldly prosperity. + +Asceticism, however, had not robbed him of human sympathy or warped his +nature, for he said at another time: "For a man to be polite to his +company and make himself agreeable to them is better than to pass nights +in prayer and days in fasting." + +Abu Ali Ar-Razi said: "I kept company with Al-Fudail during thirty +years, and I never saw him laugh or smile but on one occasion, and that +was the death of his son. On my asking him the reason, he replied: +'Whatever is pleasing to God is pleasing to me.'" + +Maruf Al-Karkhi, another celebrated saint, who died in Baghdad in 805, +had a sensible elasticity. Passing, one day, by a water-carrier who was +crying out: "God have mercy on him who drinketh!" he went up to him and +took a drink, although he was at that time keeping a strict fast. + +Some one, horrified at the impiety, said to him: "Art thou not keeping a +fast?" + +He replied: "Yes, I am, but I hoped for the fulfilment of that man's +prayer." + +One of the sayings of Abd Al-Ala, a man of holy life, was this: "Buying +what one does not require, is selling what one requires." + +Another pious man, Abu Othman Al-Mazini the grammarian, used to tell the +following story against himself: "There was a person who, for a long +time, studied under me the grammar of Sibawaih, and who said to me, when +he got to the end of the book, 'May God requite you well! As for me, I +have not understood a letter of it.'" + +Yahya, a celebrated preacher, on being asked by a descendant of the +Prophet, "Tell me, Master! and may God assist you! what is your opinion +of us who are the people of the house,"--that is to say, the members of +Muhammad's family,--replied: "It is that which I would say of clay +kneaded with the water of divine revelation and sprinkled with the water +of the heavenly mission: can it give out any other odour than the musk +of true direction and the ambergris of piety?" + +The Alide was so highly pleased with this answer that he filled Yahya's +mouth with pearls. + +Yahya, who died on March 30, 872, had a very graceful turn for +apophthegms. "True friendship," said he, "cannot be augmented by +kindness nor diminished by unkindness." And again, he said: "To him who +is going to see a true friend the way never appears long; he who goes +to visit his beloved never feels lonely on the road." + +The exaltation of friendship is indeed one of the beautiful things about +this book. And the reader can never have too much of it. Buri Taj +Al-Muluk was, says Ibn Khallikan, merely a man of talent, but the +following verse by him contains a perfectly splendid compliment: _My +friend approached from the west, riding on a grey horse, and I +exclaimed: "Glory to the Almighty! the sun has risen in the west!"_ + +At-Tihami, the poet, one of whose poems, an elegy on the death of his +son, brings ill-luck when quoted, wrote these admirable lines on the +same theme: _In the company of noble-minded men there is always room for +another. Friendship, it is true, renders difficulties easy: a house may +be too small for eight persons, yet friendship will make it hold a +ninth._ + + +XV.--A NIGHT SCENE + +The capriciousness of the moods of these sombre and terrible Eastern +autocrats--the strange sentimental chinks in their armour--are seen in +the very characteristic story which follows. "Secret information having +been given to Al-Mutawakkil that the imam, Abu 'l-Hasan Al-Askari, had a +quantity of arms, books, and other objects for the use of his followers +concealed in his house, and being induced by malicious reports to +believe that he aspired to the empire, he sent one night some soldiers +of the Turkish guard to break in on him when he least expected such a +visit. + +"They found him quite alone and locked up in his room, clothed in a +hair-shirt, his head covered with a woollen cloak, and turned with his +face in the direction of Mecca, chanting, in this attitude, some verses +of the _Koran_ expressive of God's promises and threats, and having no +other carpet between him and the earth than sand and gravel. + +"He was carried off in that attire and brought, in the depth of the +night, before Al-Mutawakkil, who was then engaged in drinking wine. On +seeing him, the khalif received him with respect, and being informed +that nothing had been found in his house to justify the suspicions cast +upon him, he seated him by his side and offered him the goblet which he +held in his hand. + +"'Commander of the Faithful!' said Abu 'l-Hasan, 'a liquor such as that +was never yet combined with my flesh and blood; dispense me therefore +from taking it.' + +"The khalif acceded to his request, and then asked him to repeat some +verses which might amuse him. + +"Abu 'l-Hasan replied that he knew by heart very little poetry; but +Al-Mutawakkil having insisted, he recited these lines (which anticipate +Poe's "Conqueror Worm" very thoroughly): _'They passed the night on the +summits of the mountains, protected by valiant warriors; but their place +of refuge availed them not. After all their pomp and power, they had to +descend from their lofty fortresses to the custody of the tomb. O what a +dreadful change! Their graves had already received them when a voice was +heard exclaiming: "Where are the thrones, the crowns, and the robes of +slate? Where are now the faces once so delicate, which were shaded by +veils and protected by the curtains of the audience-hall?" To this +demand, the tomb gave answer sufficient: "The worms," it said, "are now +revelling upon those faces; long had these men been eating and drinking, +but now they are eaten in their turn."'_ + +"Every person present was filled with apprehension for Abu 'l-Hasan +Ali's safety; they feared that Al-Mutawakkil, in the first burst of +indignation, would have vented his wrath upon him; but they perceived +the khalif weeping bitterly, the tears trickling down his beard, and all +the assembly wept with him. + +"Al-Mutawakkil then ordered the wine to be removed, after which he said: +'Tell me, Abu 'l-Hasan! are you in debt?' + +"'Yes,' replied the other, 'I owe four thousand dinars.' + +"The khalif ordered that sum to be given him, and sent him home with +marks of the highest respect." + + +XVI.--THE FAIR + +The book contains the lives of very few women; but one of the privileged +of her sex is Buran, who died in 884. She became the wife of the khalif +Al-Mamun, who, says Ibn Khallikan rather ungallantly, was "induced to +marry her by the high esteem he bore her father." That her father, the +vizier, saw no slight in this, but was not unwilling that his daughter +should pass under the roof of another, we may perhaps gather from the +lavishness of the wedding, which was celebrated at Fam As-Silh, with +festivities and rejoicings, the like of which were never witnessed for +ages before. The vizier's liberality went so far that he showered balls +of musk upon the Hashimites, the commanders of the troops, the katibs, +and the persons who held an eminent rank at court. Musk is an expensive +thing in itself, but each of these balls contained a ticket, and the +person into whose hands it fell, having opened it and read its contents, +proceeded to an agent specially appointed for the purpose, from whom he +received the object inscribed on the ticket, whether it was a farm or +other property, a horse, a slave-girl, or a mameluk. The vizier then +scattered gold and silver coins and eggs of amber among the rest of the +people. + +Capricious generosity marked many of these rulers. Thus it is told of +Ibn Bakiya, the vizier, that in the space of twenty days he distributed +twenty thousand robes of honour. "I saw him one night at a drinking +party," says Abu Ishak As-Sabi, "and, during the festivity, he changed +frequently his outer dress according to custom: every time he put on a +new pelisse, he bestowed it on one or other of the persons present; so +that he gave away, in that sitting, upwards of two hundred pelisses. + +"A female musician then said to him: 'Lord of viziers! there must be +wasps in these robes to prevent you from keeping them on your body!' + +"He laughed at this conceit, and ordered her a present of a casket of +jewels." + +Another of the ladies whom Ibn Khallikan so seldom leaves his high road +to notice is As-Saiyida Sukaina, who, however, could not well be +excluded, since she was "the first among the women of her time [she died +A.D. 735] by birth, beauty, wit, and virtue." Part of her fame rests +upon her repartees to poets: a most desirable form of activity. Thus, +Orwa had a brother called Abu Bakr, whose death he lamented in some +extravagant verses of which these are the concluding lines: _My sorrow +is for Bakr, my brother! Bakr has departed from me! What life can now be +pleasing after the loss of Bakr?_ + +When Sukaina heard these verses, she asked who was Bakr? And on being +informed, she exclaimed: "What! that little blackamoor who used to run +past us? Why, everything is pleasing after the loss of Bakr, even the +common necessaries of life--bread and oil!" + +Another female intruder. It is told of Ibn As-Sammak, a pious sage and +"professional relater of anecdotes," that having held a discourse one +day in the hearing of his slave-girl, he asked her what she thought of +it. She replied that it would have been good but for the repetitions. + +"But," said he, "I employ repetitions in order to make those understand +who do not." + +"Yes," she replied, "and to make those understand who do not, you weary +those who do." + +One of the sayings of Ibn As-Sammak was: "Fear God as if you had never +obeyed Him, and hope in Him as if you had never disobeyed Him." + + +XVII.--THE GREAT JAAFAR + +The father of the great Jaafar was Yahya the Barmekide, the friend and +vizier of Harun Ar-Raschid. From this family Ibn Khallikan claimed +descent. Yahya was "highly distinguished for wisdom, nobleness of mind, +and elegance of language." One of his sayings was this: "Three things +indicate the degree of intelligence possessed by him who does them: the +bestowing of gifts, the drawing up of letters, and the acting as +ambassador." + +Another: "Spend when Fortune turns toward you, for her bounty cannot +then be exhausted; spend when she turns away, for she will not remain +with you." + +He said also, very comfortingly: "The sincere intention of doing a good +action and a legitimate excuse for not doing it are equivalent to its +accomplishment." + +He died in 805, after long imprisonment by the illustrious khalif whose +pleasure it had been to address him always as "My father." + +Such was Jaafar's parent. One of the greatest men in the whole work is +Jaafar himself, called Jaafar the Barmekide, also vizier to Harun +Ar-Raschid. Of his somewhat sardonic shrewdness this is a good example. +Having learned that Ar-Raschid was much depressed in consequence of a +Jewish astrologer having predicted to him that he would die within a +year, he interviewed the Jew, who had been detained as a prisoner by the +khalif's orders. + +Jaafar addressed him in these terms: "You pretend that the khalif is to +die in the space of so many days?" + +"Yes," said the Jew. + +"And how long are you yourself to live?" said Jaafar. + +"So many years," replied the other, mentioning a great number. + +Jaafar then said to the khalif: "Put him to death, and you will be thus +assured that he is equally mistaken respecting the length of your life +and that of his own." + +This advice was followed by the khalif, who then thanked Jaafar for +having dispelled his sadness. + +At the other extreme--though akin in sardonic humour--is this incident. +It is related that one day, at Jaafar's, a beetle flew towards Abu Obaid +the Thakefite, and that Jaafar ordered it to be driven away, when Abu +Obaid said: "Let it alone; it may perhaps bring me good luck; such is at +least the vulgar opinion." + +Jaafar on this ordered one thousand dinars to be given him, saying: "The +vulgar opinion is confirmed." + +The beetle was then set at liberty, but it flew towards Abu Obaid a +second time, and Jaafar ordered him another present of the same amount. + +Such was the affection the khalif felt for Jaafar that he caused a robe +with two collars to be made which they could wear at the same time. + +Fickle, however, are princes, and Jaafar's end came in the usual way, +through treachery. He was killed, by the khalif's orders, by Yasir. +Yasir having put Jaafar to death, carried in his head and placed it +before the khalif. + +The khalif looked at the head for some time, and then ordered Yasir to +bring in two persons whom he named. When they came, he said to them: +"Strike off Yasir's head, for I cannot bear the sight of Jaafar's +murderer." + + +XVIII.--LOVE AND LOVERS + +As I have said, these four great volumes are a mine from which many +different metals may be extracted. My own researches having tended +rather to a certain ironic quality, I have passed many lovers by; but +let me make an exception or so. There is, for example, Kuthaiyr. In the +account of this celebrated Arabian amorist, we come upon a very pretty +story. Being once in the presence of Abd Al-Malik, this prince said to +Kuthaiyr: "I conjure thee by the rights of Ali Abi Ibn Talib to inform +me if thou ever sawest a truer lover than thyself." + +To this Kuthaiyr replied: "Commander of the Faithful! conjure me by your +own rights, and I shall answer you." + +"Well," said the prince, "I conjure thee by my own rights; wilt thou not +tell it to me now?" + +"Certainly," said Kuthaiyr; "I will. As I was travelling in a certain +desert, I beheld a man who had just pitched his toils to catch game, and +I said to him: 'Why art thou sitting here?' And he replied: 'I and my +people are dying with hunger, and I have pitched these toils that I may +catch something which may sustain our lives till to morrow.' 'Tell me,' +said I, 'if I remain with thee and thou takest any game, wilt thou give +me a share?' He answered that he would; and whilst we were waiting, +behold, a gazelle got into the net. We both rushed forward; but he +outran me, and having disentangled the animal, he let it go. 'What,' +said I, 'could have induced thee to do so?' He replied: 'On seeing her +so like my beloved Laila in the eyes, I was touched with pity.'" + +Little men who are disposed to envy the big on account of fair ladies +may take comfort from Kuthaiyr, for although so ardent and successful, +he was absurdly small: so short indeed that, when he went to visit Abd +Al-Aziz Ibn Marwan, that prince used to banter him and say: "Stoop your +head, lest you hurt it against the ceiling." + +He was called Rabb Ad-Dubab (the king of the flies) for the same reason. +One of his contemporaries said: "I saw him making the circuits round the +Kaaba; and if anyone tell you that his stature exceeded three spans, +that person is a liar." + +Abu Omar Az-Zahid Al-Mutarriz, although he "ranked among the most +eminent and the most learned of the philologers," and was famous for his +"mortified life," could write love poems too. Here is one: _Overcome +with grief, we stopped at As-Sarat one evening, to exchange adieus; and, +despite of envious foes, we stood unsealing the packets of every +passionate desire. On saying farewell, she saw me borne down by the +pains of love, and consented to grant me a kiss; but, impelled by +startled modesty, she drew her veil across her face. On this I said: +"The full moon has now become a crescent." I then kissed her through the +veil, and she observed: "My kisses are wine: to be tasted, they must be +passed through the strainer."_ (It seems, however, from Ibn Khallikan's +anxious dubiety on the matter, that this poem, after all, may have been +written, like the Iliad, by another poet of the same name. God only +knows.) + +Another Anacreontic, this time by Ibn Zuhr: _Whilst the fair ones lay +reclining, their cheek pillowed on the arm, a hostile inroad of the dawn +took us by surprise. I had passed the night in filling up their cups and +drinking what they had left; till inebriation overcame me, and my lot +was theirs also. The wine well knows how to avenge a wrong; I turned the +goblet up, and that liquor turned me down._ + +The poetry of love comprises, alas! also the poetry of despair. Here is +an example by Ibn As-Sarraj, the grammarian: _I compared her beauty with +her conduct, and found that her charms did not counterbalance her +perfidy. She swore to me never to be false, but 'twas as if she had +sworn never to be true. By Allah! I shall never speak to her again, +even though she resembled in beauty the full moon, or the sun, or +Al-Muktafi!_ + +The inclusion of the khalif Al-Muktafi seems to have been an +afterthought, added when the poet first saw him. Struck by his +comeliness, he recited the poem to some companions and inserted his name +at the end. The sequel is amusing and very characteristic. "Some time +after, the katib Abu Abd Allah Muhammad Ibn Ismail Ibn Zenji repeated +the verses to Abu 'l-Abbas Ibn Al-Furat, saying that they were composed +by Ibn Al-Motazz, and Abu 'l-Abbas communicated them to the vizier +Al-Kasim Ibn Obaid Allah. The latter then went to the khalif and recited +the verses to him, adding that they were by Obaid Allah Ibn Abd Allah +Ibn Tahir, to whom Al-Muktafi immediately ordered a present of one +thousand dinars. + +"'How very strange,' said Ibi Zenji, 'that Ibn As-Sarraj should compose +verses which were to procure a donation to Obaid Allah Ibn Abd Allah Ibn +Tahir!'" + +Abu Bakr Ibn Aiyash, the Traditionist and scholar, discovered a remedy +for lovers which is too simple, I fear, to commend itself to less +philosophic Occidentals affected by the pains of longing. "I was +suffering," he says, "from an anxious desire of meeting one whom I +loved, when I called to mind the verse of Zu 'r-Rumma's: _Perhaps a flow +of tears will give me ease from pain; perhaps it may cure a heart whose +sole companion is sad thoughts._ On this I withdrew to a private place +and wept, by which means my sufferings were calmed." + + +XIX.--TO DISARM CRITICS + +And so we come to an end. And how can an author do better than to quote +Ibn Khallikan's own concluding words, which, though written so long ago +about a biographical dictionary, may be borrowed by all literary hands +as palliation for whatever shortcomings their work may have?--"If any +well-informed person remark, in examining this book, that it contains +faults, he should not hasten to blame me, for I always aimed at being +exact, as far as I could judge; and, besides, God has allowed no book to +be faultless except His noble _Koran_." + + + + +=DIVERSIONS= + + + + +DIVERSIONS + + + + +Nurses + + +The conversation turning, as, round English fires, it often does, on the +peculiarities of an old nurse of the family, I was struck again by the +tenderness and kindness, shot through with humour, that are always +evoked by this particular retrospective mood. I would even say that +people are at their best when they are remembering their nurses. To +recall one's parents is often to touch chords that vibrate too +disturbingly; but these foster parents, chosen usually with such strange +carelessness but developing often into true guardian angels, with good +influences persisting through life--when, in reminiscent vein, we set +them up, one against the other, can call from the speakers qualities +that they normally may conspicuously lack. Quite dull people can become +interesting and whimsical as their thoughts wander back through the +years to the day when old Martha or old Jane, or whoever it was, moulded +them and scolded them and broke the laws of grammar. Quite hard people +can then melt a little. Quite stern people can smile. + +And quite funny people can become intensely funny, as I have melancholy +reason to know, for, listening to these new anecdotes, I recalled the +last occasion on which the fruitful theme of a Nanna's oddities had been +developed; when the speaker was that fascinating athlete and gentleman, +E. B., a gallant officer with a gift of mimicry as notable as his sense +of fun and his depth of feeling, who, chiefly for the amusement of two +children, but equally--or even more--to the delight of us older ones, +not only gave us certain of his old nurse's favourite sayings, in her +own voice, but reconstructed her features as he did so. All good mimicry +astonishes and entertains me, and this was especially good, for it +triumphed over the disabilities of a captain's uniform. Something very +curious and pretty, and, through all our laughter, affecting, in the +spectacle of this tall, commanding soldier painting with little loving +comic touches the portrait of the old Malapropian lady with her heart of +gold. That was a few short months ago, and to-day E. B. lies in a French +grave. + +Malapropisms and old nurses are, of course, inseparable. Indeed, they +formed again the basis of our talk the other evening, each of us having +a new example to give, all drawn from memories of childhood. Wonderful +how these quaint phrases stick--due, I suppose, to the fact that the +child does not hear too much to confuse it, and when in this tenacious +stage notices the sharp differences between the conversation of the +literate, as encountered in the dining-room and drawing-room, and the +much more amusing illiteracy below stairs. It will be a bad day for +England when education is so prevalent that nursemaids have it too. Much +less interesting will the backward look then become. + +How far forward we have moved in general social decency one realizes +after listening to such conversations as I have hinted at, where respect +and affection dominate, and then turning to some of the children's books +of a century ago--the kind of book in which the parents are always +right and made in God's image, and the children full of faults. In one +of these I found recently a story of a little girl who, being rude and +wilful with her maid, was rebuked by her kind and wise mamma in some +such phrase as, "Although it has pleased the Almighty to set you and +Sarah in such different positions, you have no right to be unjust to +her." + +Reflecting upon how great a change has come upon the relation of +employers and employed, and how much greater a change is in store, it +seems to me that one of the good human kinds of book that does not at +present exist, and ought to be made, would bring together between two +covers some of the best servants in history, public and private, and +possibly in literature too. Nurses first, because the nurse is so much +more important a factor in family life, and because, to my mind, she has +never had honour enough. I doubt if enough honour could be paid to her, +but the attempt has not been sufficiently made. And to-day, of course, +the very word as I am using it has only a secondary meaning. By "nurse" +to-day we mean first a cool, smiling woman, with a white cap and +possibly a red cross, ministering to the wounded and the sick. We have +to think twice in order to evoke the guardian angel of our childhood, +the mother's right hand, and often so much more real than the mother +herself. I would lay special emphasis on the nurse who, beginning as a +young retainer, develops into a friend and to the end of her days moves +on parallel lines with the family, even if she is not still of it. These +old nurses, the nurses of whom the older we grow the more tenderly and +gratefully we think--will no one give them a book of praise? I should +love to read it. And there should not be any lack of material--with +Stevenson's Alison Cunningham by no means last on the list. + +But if on examination the material proved too scanty, then the other +devoted servants might come in too, such as Sir Walter Scott's Tom +Purdie, who should have a proud place, and that wonderful gardener of +the great Dumas, whose devotion extended to confederacy. + +Without Dumas' gardener, indeed, no book in honour of the fidelity of +man to man could be complete. For just think of it! The only approach to +the house of the divine Alexandre being by way of a wooden bridge, this +immortal tender of flowers and vegetables so arranged the planks that +any undesired caller bearing a writ or long-overdue account would fall, +all naturally and probably through his own confused carelessness, into +the river; and, on being pulled out and restored to happy life, would +not only abandon the horrid purpose of his visit, but, gratitude +prompting, be generous enough to go at least part of the way towards +paying the gardener's wages, which otherwise that resourceful benefactor +might never obtain. + +On a place in the volume for this exemplary character, I insist. But, as +I say, nurses first. + + + + +No. 344260 + + +Coming, the other day, after every kind of struggle, at last into +possession of one of the new pound notes, I was interested in placing it +quickly under the microscope, so to speak, in order that, in case I +never saw another, I should be able to describe it to my grandchildren. +How indigent I have been may be gathered from the circumstance that this +note, being numbered 344260, had three hundred and forty-four thousand +two hundred and fifty-nine predecessors which had eluded me. + +As a work of art it is remarkable--almost, indeed, a gallery in itself, +comprising as it does portraiture, design, topography, and the +delineation of one of the most spirited episodes in religious history. +After the magic words "One Pound," it is, of course, to St. George and +the Dragon that the eye first turns. What Mr. Ruskin would say of the +latest version of the encounter between England's tutelary genius and +his fearsome foe, one can only guess; but I feel sure that he would be +caustic about the Saint's grip on his spear. To get its head right +through the dragon's chest--taking, as it has done, the longest possible +route--and out so far on the other side, would require more vigour and +tension than is suggested by the casual way in which the thumb rests on +the handle. Dragons' necks and bosoms are, I take it, not only scaly +without but of a sinewy consistency within that is by no means easy to +penetrate, and in this particular case the difficulty must have been +increased by the creature's struggles, which, the artist admits, bent +the spear very noticeably. None the less, the Saint's hold is most +delicate, and his features are marked by the utmost placidity. + +As a matter of fact, the Saint is not sufficiently armed on our L1 +notes; for in real life, and particularly when he rode out on the Libyan +plain to do battle with the dragon, he had a sword as well as a spear. +But he could not have had both if he were dressed as the Treasury artist +dresses him, unless he carried the sword between his teeth; which he is +not doing. There is no better authority than _The Golden Legend_, and +_The Golden Legend_ (in the translation of Master William Caxton) +testifieth thus: "Then as they [St. George and the King's daughter, whom +the dragon desired,] spake together, the dragon appeared and came +running to them, and St. George was upon his horse, and drew out his +sword and garnished him with the sign of the cross, and rode hardily +against the dragon which came towards him, and smote him with his spear +[spear, now, take notice], and hurt him sore and threw him to the +ground." The absence of the sword is one error that never ought to have +gained currency. Another is the grievousness of the wound which is +depicted; for in real life the wound was so slight, although sufficient, +that the King's daughter--but let Master Caxton continue, for he writeth +better than I ever shall. Having conquered the foe, St. George, +according to _The Golden Legend_, "said to the maid: 'Deliver to me your +girdle, and bind it about the neck of the dragon, and be not afeard.' +When she had done so, the dragon followed her as it had been a meek +beast and debonair." It was later, and not until St. George had +baptized the King and all his people (which was his reward), that he +smote off the dragon's head. + +To my mind _The Golden Legend_ is too gentle with this contest. I like a +real fight, and here one is almost as much defrauded as in the story of +David and Goliath. In treating the victory over the dragon with equal +lightness, perhaps the Treasury artist, even though he has not followed +the authority closely enough in other ways, is justified; but he should +have read the text more carefully, for no one can pretend that a dragon +so drastically perforated as this one could follow a princess into the +city. Indeed, it is such a _coup de grace_ as no self-respecting and +determined dragon, furnished with wings, inflammable breath, and all the +usual fittings, would have submitted itself to. Because, given wings, +neither of which is broken, how would it have allowed itself to come +into that posture at all? + +Saints, however, must be saints; and their adversaries know this. + +It was only, as I have said, with incredible difficulties that I could +get this pound note to study; imagine, then, what pains and subterfuges +were, in 1917, necessary in order to obtain the loan of a sovereign with +which to compare the golden rendering of the same conflict. Eventually, +however, I was successful, and one of the precious discs passed +temporarily into my keeping. It lies beside No. 344260 on the table as I +write. In this treatment--Mr. Ruskin's strictures upon which are +familiar--one is first struck by the absurdity of the Saint's weapon: a +short dagger with which he could never do any damage at all, unless +either he fell off his horse or the dragon obligingly rose up to meet +the blow. Fortunately, however, the horse has powerful hoofs, and one of +these is inflicting infinite mischief. Other noticeable peculiarities of +the sovereign's rendering are the smallness of the horse's head and the +length of St. George's leg. The total effect, in spite of blemishes, is +more spirited than that of No. 344260, but both would equally fill a +Renaissance Florentine medallist with gloom. + +So much for the St. Georges and the Dragons of Treasury artists. But +when it comes to No. 344260's portrait of Mr. John Bradbury, Secretary +to the Treasury, over his facsimile autograph, in green ink, I have no +fault to find. This is a strong profile treatment, not a little like the +King, and I am glad to have seen it. One likes to think of regal +features and tonsorial habits setting a fashion. Mr. John Bradbury does +well and loyally to resemble as closely as he can his royal master. + +Having reached this point, I turned No. 344260 over and examined the +back, which represents the Houses of Parliament as seen from Lambeth. +There are three peculiarities about this picture. One is that all the +emphasis is laid--where of late we have not been in the habit of looking +for it--on the House of Lords; another is that Parliament is not +sitting, for the Victoria Tower is without its flag; and the third is +that Broad Sanctuary has been completely eliminated, so that the Abbey +and the Victoria Tower form one building. No doubt to the fortunate +persons through whose hands one pound notes pass, such awful symbolism +conveys a sense of England's greatness and power; but I think it would +be far more amusing if the back had been left blank, in case some later +Robbie Burns (could this decadent world ever know so fine a thing +again) wished to write another lament on it: + + For lack o' thee I've lost my lass, + For lack o' thee I scrimp my glass. + +Or, if not blank, thirty (say) spaces might be ruled on it, in which the +names of its first thirty owners could be written. By the time the +spaces were filled it would be a document historically valuable now and +then to autograph collectors. It would also be dirty enough to call in. + + + + +The Two Perkinses + + +Walking in the garden in the cool of the July evening, I was struck +afresh by the beauty of that climbing rose we call Dorothy Perkins, and +by her absolute inability to make a mistake. There are in this garden +several of these ramblers, all heritages from an earlier tenant and all +very skilfully placed: one over an arch, one around a window, and three +or four clambering up fir posts on which the stumps of boughs remain; +and in every case the rose is flowering more freely than ever before, +and has arranged its blossoms, leaves, and branches with an exquisite +and impeccable taste. Always lovely, Dorothy Perkins is never so lovely +as in the evening, just after the sun has gone, when the green takes on +a new sobriety against which her gay and tender pink is gayer and more +tender. "Pretty little Dolly Perkins!" I said to myself involuntarily, +and instantly, by the law of association--which, I sometimes fondly +suppose, is more powerful with me than with many people--I began to +think of another evening, twenty and more years ago, when for the first +time I heard the most dainty of English comic songs sung as it should +be, with the first words of the chorus accentuated like hammer blows in +unison: + + For--she--was--as-- + +and then tripping merrily into the rest of it: + + --beautiful as a butterfly, + As fair as a queen, + Was pretty little Polly Perkins + Of Paddington Green. + +It is given to most of us--not always without a certain wistful +regret--to recall the circumstances under which we first heard our +favourite songs; and on the evening when I met "Pretty Polly Perkins" I +was on a tramp steamer in the Mediterranean, when at last the heat had +gone and work was over and we were free to be melodious. My own position +on this boat was nominally purser, at a shilling a month, but in reality +passenger, or super-cargo, spending most of the day either in reading +or sleeping. The second engineer, a huge Sussex man, whose favourite +theme of conversation with me was the cricket of his county, was, it +seemed, famous for this song; and that evening, as we sat on a skylight, +he was suddenly withdrawn from a eulogy of the odd ways and deadly +left-handers of poor one-eyed "Jumper" Juniper (whom I had known +personally, when I was a small school-boy, in a reverential way) to give +the company "Pretty Polly Perkins." In vain to say that he was busy, +talking to me; that he was dry; that he had no voice. "Pretty Polly +Perkins" had to be sung, and he struck up without more ado: + + I'm a broken-hearted milkman, + In woe I'm arrayed, + Through keeping the company of + A young servant maid-- + +and so forth. And then came the chorus, which has this advantage over +all other choruses ever written, that the most tuneless singer on earth +(such as myself) and the most shamefaced (I am autobiographical again) +can help to swell, at any rate, the notable opening of it, and thus +ensure the success of the rest. + +That evening, as I say, was more than twenty years ago, and I had +thought in the interval little enough of the song until the other pretty +Perkins suggested it; but I need hardly say that the next day came a +further reminder of it (since that is one of the queer rules of life) in +the shape of a Chicago weekly paper with the information that America +knows "Pretty Polly Perkins" too. + +The ballads of a nation for the most part respect their nationality, but +now and then there is free trade in them. It has been so with "Pretty +Polly Perkins"; for it seems that, recognizing its excellence, an +American singer prepared, in 1864, a version to suit his own country, +choosing, as it happens, not New York or Washington as the background of +the milkman's love drama, but the home of Transatlantic culture itself, +Boston. Paddington Green would, of course, mean nothing to American +ears, but Boston is happy in the possession of a Pemberton Square, which +may, for all I know, be as important to the Hub of the Universe as +Merrion Square is to Dublin, and Polly was, therefore, made comfortable +there, and, as Pretty Polly Perkins of Pemberton Square, became as +famous as, in our effete hemisphere, Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington +Green. The adaptor deserves great credit for altering as little as +possible. Beyond Polly's abode, and the necessary rhymes to mate with +Square, he did nothing, so that the song, while transplanted to America, +remained racy of the English capital. It was still the broken-hearted +milkman who sang it, and the _denouement_, which is so very +English--and, more than English, Cockney--was unaltered: + + In six months she married, + That hard-hearted girl; + It was not a squire, + And it was not a nearl. + It was not a baronet, + But a shade or two wuss-- + 'Twas the wulgar old driver + Of a twopenny 'bus. + +But the story of Polly is nothing. The merit of the song is its air, the +novelty and ingenuity of its chorus, and the praises of Polly which the +chorus embodies. The celebration of charming women is never out of date. +Some are sung about in the Mediterranean, some in Boston, and some all +the world over; others give their names to roses. + +So far had I written--and published--in a weekly paper, leaving open a +loophole or two for kind and well-instructed readers to come to my aid; +and as usual (for I am very fortunate in these matters) they did so. +Before I was a month older I knew all. I knew that the author, composer, +and singer of "Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington Green" were one and +the same: the famous Harry Clifton; and that Polly married "not the +wulgar old driver" of a twopenny 'bus, as was my mistaken belief, but +quite the reverse--that is to say, the "bandy-legged conductor" of the +same vehicle. A gentleman in Ireland was even so obliging as to send me +another ballad by Harry Clifton, on the front of which is his portrait +and on the back a list of his triumphs--and they make very startling +reading, at any rate to me, who have never been versatile. The number of +songs alone is appalling: no fewer than thirty to which he had also put +the music and over fifty to which the music was composed by others, but +which with acceptance he sang. Judging by the titles and the first +lines, which in the advertisement are always given, these songs of the +sixties were very much better things than most of the songs of our +enlightened day. They seem to have had character, a humorous +sententiousness, and a genial view of life. And judging by his portrait +on the cover, Harry Clifton was a kindly, honest type of man, to whom +such accessories of the modern comic singer's success as the +well-advertised membership of a night club, or choice of an expensive +restaurant, were a superfluity. + +Having read these letters and the list of songs, I called on a friend +who was at that moment lying on a bed of sickness, from which, alas! he +never rose--the late George Bull, the drollest raconteur in London and +one of the best of men, who, so far as I am concerned, carried away with +him an irreplaceable portion of the good humour of life; and I found +that the name of Harry Clifton touched more than one chord. He had heard +Harry Clifton sing. As a child, music-halls were barred to him, but +Harry Clifton, it seems, was so humane and well-grounded--his +fundamentals, as Dr. Johnson would say, were so sound--that he sang also +at Assembly Rooms, and there my friend was taken, in his tender years, +by his father, to hear him. There he heard the good fellow, who was +conspicuously jolly and most cordially Irish, sing several of his great +hits, and in particular "A Motto for Every Man," "Paddle Your Own +Canoe," and "Lannigan's Ball" (set to a most admirable jig tune which +has become a classic), one phrase from which was adopted into the Irish +vernacular as a saying: "Just in time for Lannigan's ball." Clifton +might indeed be called the Tom Moore of his day, with as large a public, +although not quite so illigant a one. For where Moore warbled to the +ladies, Clifton sang to the people. Such a ballad as that extolling the +mare of Pat of Mullingar must have gone straight to the hearts of the +countrymen of Mr. Flurry Knox: + + They may talk of Flying Childers, + And the speed of Harkaway, + Till the fancy it bewilders + As you list to what they say. + But for rale blood and beauty, + You may travel near and far-- + The fastest mare you'll find belongs + To Pat of Mullingar. + +An old lady in Dublin who remembers Clifton singing this song tells me +that the chorus, "So we'll trot along O," was so descriptive, both in +words and music, that one had from it all the sensations of a "joult." + +Harry Clifton seems to have had three distinct lines--the comic song, of +which "Pretty Polly Perkins" may be considered the best example; the +Irish song; and the Motto song, inculcating a sweet reasonableness and +content amid life's many trials and tribulations. Although, no doubt, +such optimism was somewhat facile, it cannot be denied that a little +dose of silver-lining advice, artfully concealed in the jam of a good +tune and a humorous twist of words, does no harm and may have a +beneficial effect. The chorus of "A Motto for Every Man," for example, +runs thus: + + We cannot all fight in this battle of life, + The weak must go to the wall. + So do to each other the thing that is right, + For there's room in this world for us all. + +An easy sentiment; but sufficient people in the sixties were attracted +by it to flock to hear Harry Clifton all over England and Ireland, and +it is probable that most came away with momentarily expanded bosoms, and +a few were stimulated to follow its precepts. + +Looking down this remarkable list of titles and first lines--which may +be only a small portion of Harry Clifton's output--I am struck by his +cleanliness and sanity. His record was one of which he might well be +proud, and I think that old Fletcher of Saltoun, who had views on the +makers of a nation's ballads, would probably have clapped him on the +back. + +Another thing. If many of the tunes to these songs are as good as that +to "Polly Perkins," Harry Clifton's golden treasury should be worth +mining. The songs of yesterday, when revived, strike one as being very +antiquated, and the songs of the day before yesterday also rarely bear +the test; but what of the songs of the sixties? Might their melodies not +strike freshly and alluringly on the ear to-day? Another, and to-day a +better known, Harry--Harry Lauder--whose tunes are always good, has +confided to an interviewer that he finds them for the most part in old +traditional collections, and gives them new life. He is wise. John +Stuart Mill's fear that the combinations of the notes of the piano might +be used up was probably fantastic, but the arrival of the luckless day +would at any rate be delayed if we revived tunes that were old enough +for that process; and why should not the works of Harry Clifton be +examined for the purpose? But perhaps they have been.... + +And then we come back to the marvel, to me, of the man's variousness. I +can plead guilty to having written the words of a dozen songs or so in +as many years, but to put two notes of music together is beyond me, and +to sing anything in tune would be an impossibility, even if I had the +assurance to stand up in public for that purpose. Yet Harry Clifton, +who, in the picture on the cover of the song which the gentleman in +Ireland sent me, does not look at all like some brazen lion comiques, +not only could sing acceptably but write good words and good music. I +hope he grew prosperous, although there is some evidence that his native +geniality was also a stumbling-block. Your jolly good fellows so often +are the victims of their jolly goodness. Nor had the palmy days of comic +singing then begun. There were then no L300 a week bribes to lure a +comic singer into _revue_; but the performers, I guess, were none the +worse for receiving a wage more in accordance with true proportion. I +say true proportion, because I shall never feel it right that +music-hall comedians should receive a bigger salary than a Prime +Minister; at least, not until they sing better songs and take a finer +view of life in their "patter" than most of them now do. + + + + +Arts of Invasion + + +All people living in the country are liable to be asked if they do not +know of "some nice little place that would just suit us." "For +week-ends, chiefly"--the inquirer usually adds. "A kind of +_pied-a-terre_, you know"--the inquirer always adds. + +Cautious, self-protective people answer no. Foolish, gregarious people +actually try to help. + +Addressing that large and growing class, the _pied-a-terre_ hunters, not +as a potential neighbour, but as a mere counsellor and very platonic +friend, I would say that I have recently discovered two ways of +acquiring country places, both of which, although no doubt neither is +infallible, have from time to time succeeded. + +It was at the end of a fruitless day on the same quest that I hit upon +the first. After tramping many miles in vain, I was fortunate in getting +a fly at the village inn to drive me to the nearest station. I don't +say I had seen nothing I liked, but nothing that was empty. As a matter +of fact, I had seen one very charming place, but every window had a +curtain in it and the chimneys were sending up their confounded smoke. +In other words, it was, to use one of the most offensive words in the +language, occupied. Hence I was in a bad temper. None the less, when a +little man in black suddenly appeared before me and begged to be allowed +to share my cab (and its fare), I agreed. He began to talk at once, and +having disposed of the weather and other topics on which one can be +strictly and politely neutral, he said that his business took him a good +deal into unfamiliar places. + +Being aware that he wished it, I asked him what his business was. + +"I'm an unsettler," he said. + +"An unsettler?" + +"Yes. It's not a profession that we talk much about, because the very +essence of it is secrecy, but it's genuine enough, and there are not a +few of us. Of course, we do other things as well, such as insurance +agency, but unsettling pays best." + +"Tell me about it," I said. + +"Well," he explained, "it's like this. Say you are thinking of moving +and you want another house. You can't find an empty one that you like, +of course. No one can. But you differ from other persons in being +unwilling to make a compromise. You will either wait till you find one +that you do like, or you will go without. Meanwhile you see plenty of +occupied houses that you like, just as every one else does. But you +differ from other persons in being unwilling to believe that you can't +have what you want. Do you follow me?" + +Naturally I followed him minutely, because he was describing my own +case. + +"Very well, then," he continued. "This makes the unsettler's +opportunity. You return to the agent and tell him that the only house +you liked is (say) a white one at East Windles. + +"'It was not one on your list,' you say; 'in fact, it was occupied. It +is the house on the left, in its own grounds, just as you enter the +village. There is a good lawn, and a wonderful clipped yew hedge.' + +"'Oh yes,' says the agent, 'I know it: it used to be the Rectory.' + +"'Who lives there?' you ask. + +"'An old lady named Burgess,' says the agent--'Miss Burgess.' + +"'Would she leave?' you ask. + +"'I should very much doubt it,' says the agent, 'but I could, of course, +sound her.' + +"'I'll give you twenty-five pounds,' you say, 'if you can induce her to +quit.' And off you go. + +"It is then that the unsettler comes in. The agent sends for me and +tells me the story; and I get to work. The old lady has got to be +dislodged. Now what is it that old ladies most dislike? I ask myself. It +depends, of course; but on general principles a scare about the water is +safe, and a rumour of ghosts is safe. The water-scare upsets the +mistress, the ghost-scare upsets the maids; and when one can't get +maids, the country becomes a bore. As it is, she had the greatest +difficulty in keeping them, because there's no cinema near. + +"Very well, then. Having decided on my line of action, I begin to spread +reports--very cautiously, of course, but with careful calculation, and +naturally never appearing myself; and gradually, bit by bit, Miss +Burgess takes a dislike to the place. Not always, of course. Some +tenants are most unreasonable. But sooner or later most of them fall to +the bait, and you get the house. That's my profession." + +"Well," I said, "I think it's a blackguard one." + +"Oh, sir!" he replied. "Live and let live." + +"It's funny, all the same," I added, "that I should have run across you, +because I've been looking for a house for some time, and the only one I +liked was occupied." + +He pulled out a pocket-book. "Yes?" he said, moistening his pencil. + +But that is enough of him. + +So much for my first way, which, as I happen to know, has succeeded, at +any rate once. Now for the other, which is less material. In fact, some +people might call it supernatural. + +I was telling a lady about my friend the unsettler and his methods; but +she did not seem to be in the least impressed. + +"All very well," she said; "but there's a more efficient and more +respectable way than that. And," she added, with a significant glance at +her husband and not without triumph, "I happen to know." + +She sat at the dinner-table in the old farm-house--"modernized," as the +agents have it, "yet redolent of old-world charm." By modernized they +mean that the rightful occupiers--the simple agriculturists--had gone +for ever, and well-to-do artistic Londoners had made certain changes to +fit it for a week-end retreat. In other words, it had become a +_pied-a-terre_. Where the country folk for whom all these and smaller +cottages were built now live, who shall say? Probably in mean streets; +anyway, not here. The exterior remains often the same, but inside, +instead of the plain furniture of the peasantry, one finds wicker +arm-chairs and sofa-chairs, all the right books and weekly papers, and +cigarettes. + +This particular farm-house was charming. An ingle-nook, Heal furniture, +old-pattern cretonnes and chintzes, an etching or two, a Japanese print +or two, a reproduction of a John, the poems of Mr. Masefield and Rupert +Brooke, a French novel, the _New Statesman_, and where once had been a +gun-rack a Della Robbia Madonna. + +"It's delightful," I said; adding, as one always does: "How _did_ you +get to hear of it?" + +"Hearing of it wasn't difficult," she said, "because we'd known about it +for years. The trouble was to get it." + +"It wasn't empty, then?" I replied. + +"No. There was a Mr. Broom here. We asked him if he wanted to go, and he +said No. We made him an offer, and he refused. He was most +unreasonable." (It was the same word that the unsettler had used.) + +I agreed: "Most." + +"So there was nothing for it but to will his departure." + +"Will?" + +"Yes. Concentrate our thoughts on his giving notice, and invite our +friends to do the same. I wrote scores of letters all round, impressing +this necessity, this absolute, sacred duty, on them. I asked them to +make a special effort on the night of March 18th, at eleven o'clock, +when we should all be free. It sounds rather dreadful, but I always hold +that the people who want a house most are best fitted to have it. One +can't be too nice in such matters." + +"Well?" I asked. + +"Well, you'll hardly believe it--and I shan't be a bit vexed if you +don't--but on the morning of the 20th of March I had a letter from Mr. +Broom saying that he had decided to leave, and we could have the first +call on his house. It was too wonderful. I don't mind confessing that I +felt a little ashamed. I felt it had been too easy." + +"It is certainly a dangerous power," I said. + +"Well," she continued, "I hurried round to see him before he could +change his mind. 'Do you really want to leave?' I asked him. 'Yes,' he +said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Well,' he said, 'I can't tell you why. I don't +know. All I know is that all of a sudden I have got tired and feel +vaguely that I want a change. I am quite sure I am making a mistake and +I'll never find so good a place; but there it is: I'm going.' I assure +you I felt for a moment inclined to back out altogether and advise him +to stay on. I was even half disposed to tell him the truth; but I pulled +myself together. And--well, here we are!" + +"It's amazing," I said. "You must either have very strong-minded +friends, or the stars have played very oddly into your hands, or both." + +"Yes," she said; "but there's a little difficulty. One has to be so +careful in this life." + +"One has," I fervently agreed. "But what is it?" + +"Some of my friends," she explained, "didn't quite play the game. +Instead of willing, as I explicitly indicated, that our Mr. Broom should +leave the Manor Farm, they willed merely that Mr. Broom should leave his +house, and the result is that all kinds of Mr. Brooms all over the +country have been giving notice. I heard of another only this morning. +In fact, our Mr. Broom's brother was one of them. It's a very perilous +as well as a useful gift, you see. But we've got the farm, and that's +the main thing." + +She smiled the smile of a conqueror. + +"But," remarked another of the guests, who had told us that she was +looking for a _pied-a-terre_, "there's a catch somewhere, isn't there? +Don't you see any weak point?" + +Our hostess smiled less confidently. "How?" she asked uneasily. + +"Well," the guest continued, "suppose.... It couldn't, I mean, be in +better hands. For the moment. But suppose some one else wanted it? Take +care. Willing is a game that two can play at." + +"You don't mean----?" our hostess faltered. + +"I do, most certainly," the guest replied. "Directly I go away from here +I shall make a list of my most really obstinate, pushful friends to help +me." + +"But that would be most unfair," said our hostess. + +"No one is fair when hunting the _pied-a-terre_," I reminded her. + + + + +The Marble Arch and Peter Magnus + + +Finding myself (not often in London on the day that comes so mercifully +between the Saturday and Monday) beside the enisled Marble Arch, I spent +half an hour in listening to the astonishing oratory that was going on +there. Although I had not done this for many, many years, there was so +little change in the proceedings that I gained a new impression of +perpetual motion. The same--or to all intents and purposes the +same--leather lungs were still at it, either arraigning the Deity or +commending His blessed benefactions. As invariably of old, a Hindu was +present; but whether he was the Hindu of the Middle Ages or a new Hindu, +I cannot say. One proselytizing Hindu is strangely like another. His +matter was familiar also. The only novelty that I noticed was a little +band of American evangelists (America being so little in need of +spiritual assistance that these have settled in London) in the attire +more or less of the constabulary of New York, the spokesman among whom, +at the moment I joined his audience, was getting into rather deep water +in an effort to fit the kind of halo acceptable to modern evangelicals +on the head of Martin Luther. + +As I passed from group to group, with each step a certain inevitable +question grew more insistent upon a reply; and so, coming to one of +London's founts of wisdom and knowledge, I put it to him. "I suppose," I +said, indicating the various speakers with a semicircular gesture, "they +don't do all this for nothing?" The policeman closed one eye. "Not +they," he answered; "they've all got sympathizers somewhere." + +Well, live and let live is a good maxim, thought I, and there surely +never was such a wonderful world as this, and so I came away; and it was +then that something occurred which (for everything so far has been sheer +prologue) led to these remarks. I was passing the crowd about one of the +gentlemen--the more brazenly confident one--who deny the existence of a +beneficent Creator, when the words, "Looking like a dying duck in a +thunderstorm," clanged out, followed by a roar of delighted laughter; +and in a flash I remembered precisely where I was when, forty and more +years ago, I first heard from a nursemaid that ancient simile and was so +struck by its humour that I added it to my childish repertory. And from +this recollection I passed on to ponder upon the melancholy truth that +originality will ever be an unpopular quality. For here were two or +three hundred people absolutely and hilariously satisfied with such a +battered and moth-eaten phrase, even to-day, and perfectly content that +the orator should have so little respect either for himself or for them +that he saw no disgrace in thus evading his duty and inventing something +new. + +But was that his duty? That was my next thought; and a speech by that +eternally veracious type whom Mr. Pickwick met at Ipswich, and who, for +all his brief passage across the stage of literature, is more real than +many a prominent hero of many chapters, came to mind to answer it. I +refer to Mr. Peter Magnus, who, when Mr. Pickwick described Sam Weller +as not only his servant and almost friend, but an "original," replied in +these deathless words: "I am not fond of anything original; I don't like +it; don't see any necessity for it." And that's just it. The tribe of +Magnus is very large; it doesn't like originality, and doesn't see any +necessity for it--which, translated into the modern idiom, would run +"has no use for it." Hence the freethinker was right, and the longer he +continues to repose his faith in ancient comic _cliches_ the greater +will be his success. + +And then I thought for the millionth time what an awful mistake it is to +be fastidious. Truly wise people--and by wisdom I mean an aggregation of +those qualities and acceptances and compromises that make for a fairly +unruffled progress through this difficult life--truly wise people are +not fastidious. They are easily pleased, they are not critical, and--and +this is very important--they allow of no exceptions among human beings. +Originals bore them as much as they did Mr. Magnus. One of the astutest +men that I know has achieved a large measure of his prosperity and +general contentment by behaving always as though all men were alike. +Because, although of course they are not alike, the differences are too +trifling to matter. He flatters each with the same assiduity and +grossness, with the result that they all become his useful allies. Those +that do not swallow the mixture, and resent it, he merely accuses of +insincerity or false modesty; yet they are his allies too, because, +although they cannot accept his methods, being a little uncertain as to +whether his intentions may not have been genuinely kind, or his judgment +honestly at fault, they give him the benefit of the doubt. + + + + +The Oldest Joke + + +Many investigators have speculated as to the character of the first +joke; and as speculation must our efforts remain. But I personally have +no doubt whatever as to the subject-matter of that distant pleasantry: +it was the face of the other person involved. I don't say that Adam was +caustic about Eve's face or Eve about Adam's: that is improbable. Nor +does matrimonial invective even now ordinarily take this form. But after +a while, after cousins had come into the world, the facial jest began; +and by the time of Noah and his sons the riot was in full swing. In +every rough and tumble among the children of Ham, Shem, and Japhet, I +feel certain that crude and candid personalities fell to the lot, at any +rate, of the little Shems. + +So was it then; so is it still to-day. No jests are so rich as those +that bear upon the unloveliness of features not our own. The tiniest +street urchins in dispute always--sooner or later--devote their retorts +to the distressing physiognomy of the foe. Not only are they conforming +to the ancient convention, but they show sagacity too, for to sum up an +opponent as "Face," "Facey," or "Funny Face," is to spike his gun. There +is no reply but the cowardly _tu quoque_. He cannot say, "My face is not +comic, it is handsome"; because that does not touch the root of the +matter. The root of the matter is your opinion of his face as +deplorable. + +Not only is the recognition of what is odd in an opponent's countenance +of this priceless value in ordinary quarrels among the young and the +ill-mannered (just as abuse of the opposing counsel is the best way of +covering the poverty of one's own case at law), but the music-hall +humorist has no easier or surer road to the risibilities of most of his +audience. Jokes about faces never fail and are never threadbare. +Sometimes I find myself listening to one who has been called--possibly +the label was self-imposed--the Prime Minister of Mirth, and he +invariably enlarges upon the quaintness of somebody's features, often, +for he is the soul of impartiality, his own; and the first time, now +thirty years ago, that I ever entered a music-hall (the tiny stuffy old +Oxford at Brighton, where the chairman with the dyed hair--it was more +purple than black--used to sit amid a little company of bloods whose +proud privilege it was to pay for his refreshment), another George, +whose surname was Beauchamp, was singing about a siren into whose +clutches he had or had not fallen, who had + + an indiarubber lip + Like the rudder of a ship. + +--So you see there is complete continuity. + +But the best example of this branch of humour is beyond all question +that of the Two Macs, whose influence, long though it is since they +eclipsed the gaiety of the nation by vanishing, is still potent. Though +gone they still jest; or, at any rate, their jests did not all vanish +with them. The incorrigible veneration for what is antique displayed by +low comedians takes care of that. "I saw your wife at the masked ball +last night," the first Mac would say, in his rich brogue. "My wife was +at the ball last night," the other would reply in a brogue of deeper +richness, "but it wasn't a masked ball." The first Mac would then +express an overwhelming surprise, as he countered with the devastating +question, "Was _that_ her face?" + +"You're not two-faced, anyway. I'll say that for you," was the +apparently magnanimous concession made by one comedian to another in a +recent farcical play. The other was beginning to express his +gratification when the speaker continued: "If you were, you wouldn't +have come out with that one." Again, you observe, there is no answer to +this kind of attack. Hence, I suppose, its popularity. And yet perhaps +to take refuge in a smug sententiousness, and remark crisply, "Handsome +is as handsome does," should now and then be useful. But it requires +some self-esteem. + +There is no absolute need, however, for the face joke to be applied to +others to be successful. Since, in spite of the complexion creams, +"plumpers," and nose-machines advertised in the papers, faces will +continue to be here and there somewhat Gothic, the wise thing for their +owners is to accept them and think of other things, or console +themselves before the unflattering mirror with the memory of those +mortals who have been both quaint-looking and gifted. Wiser still +perhaps to make a little capital out of the affliction. Public men who +are able to make a jest of the homeliness of their features never lose +by it. President Wilson's public recital of the famous lines on his +countenance (which I personally find by no means unprepossessing) did +much to increase his popularity. + + As a beauty I am not a star, + There are others more handsome by far. + But my face, I don't mind it, + For I keep behind it; + It's the people in front get the jar. + +And an English bishop, or possibly dean, came, at last, very near earth +when in a secular address he repeated his retort to the lady who had +commented upon his extraordinary plainness: "Ah, but you should see my +brother." There is also the excellent story of the ugly man before the +camera, who was promised by the photographer that he should have justice +done to him. "Justice!" he exclaimed. "I don't want justice; I want +mercy." + +The great face joke, as I say, obviously came first. Because there were +in the early days none of the materials for the other staple quips--such +as alcohol, and sausages, and wives' mothers. Faces, however, were +always there. And not even yet have the later substitutes ousted it. +Just as Shakespeare's orator, "when he is out," spits, so does the funny +man, in similar difficulties, if he is wise, say, "Do you call that a +face?" and thus collect his thoughts for fresh sallies. If all "dials" +were identical, Mr. George Graves, for example, would be a stage +bankrupt; for, resourceful as he is in the humour of quizzical +disapproval, the vagaries of facial oddity are his foundation stone. + +Remarkable as are the heights of grotesque simile to which all the +Georges have risen in this direction, it is, oddly enough, to the other +and gentler sex that the classic examples (in my experience) belong. At +a dinner-party given by a certain hospitable lady who remained something +of an _enfante terrible_ to the end of her long life, she drew the +attention of one of her guests, by no means too cautiously, to the +features of another guest, a bishop of great renown. "Isn't his face," +she asked, in a deathless sentence, "like the inside of an elephant's +foot?" I have not personally the honour of this divine's acquaintance, +but all my friends who have met or seen him assure me that the +similitude is exact. Another lady, happily still living, said of the +face of an acquaintance, that it was "not so much a face, as a part of +her person which she happened to leave uncovered, by which her friends +were able to recognize her." A third, famous for her swift analyses, +said that a certain would-be beauty might have a title to good looks but +for "a rush of teeth to the head." I do not quote these admirable +remarks merely as a proof of woman's natural kindliness, but to show how +even among the elect--for all three speakers are of more than common +culture--the face joke holds sway. + + + + +The Puttenhams + +I + +From _The Mustershire Herald and Oldcaster Advertiser_ + + +"The new volume of _The Mustershire Archaeological Society's Records_ is, +as usual, full of varied fare.... But for good Oldcastrians the most +interesting article is a minute account of the Puttenham family, so well +known in the town for many generations, from its earliest traceable date +in the seventeenth century. It is remarkable for how long the Puttenhams +were content to be merely small traders and so forth, until quite +recently the latent genius of the blood declared itself simultaneously +in the constructive ability of our own millionaire ex-townsman, Sir +Jonathan Puttenham (who married a daughter of Lord Hammerton), and in +the world-famous skill of the great chemist, Sir Victor Puttenham, the +discoverer of the Y-rays, who still has his country home on our borders. +The simile of the oak and the acorn at once springs to mind." + + +II + +Miss Enid Daubeney, who is staying at Sir Jonathan Puttenham's, to her +Sister + +MY DEAR FLUFFETY,--There are wigs on the green here, I can tell you. +Aunt Virginia is furious about a genealogy of the Puttenham family which +has appeared in the county's archaeological records. It goes back ever so +far, and derives our revered if somewhat stodgy and not-too-generous +uncle-by-marriage from one of the poorest bunches of ancestors a knight +of industry ever had. Aunt Virginia won't see that, from such loins, the +farther the spring the greater the honour, and the poor man has had no +peace and the article is to be suppressed. But since these things are +published only for subscribers and the volume is now out, of course +nothing can be done. Please telegraph that you can't spare me any +longer, for the meals here are getting impossible. Not even the peaches +compensate.--Your devoted ENID + + +III + +Sir Jonathan Puttenham to the Rev. Stacey Morris, Editor of _The +Mustershire Archaeological Society's Records_ + +DEAR SIR,--I wish to utter a protest against what I consider a serious +breach of etiquette. In the new volume of your _Records_, you print an +article dealing with the history from remote times of the family of +which I am a member, and possibly the best-known member at the present +day. The fact that that family is of humble origin is nothing to me. +What I object to is the circumstance that you should publish this +material, most of which is of very little interest to the outside world, +without first ascertaining my views on the subject. I may now tell you +that I object so strongly to the publication that I count on you to +secure its withdrawal.--I am, + +Yours faithfully, + +JONATHAN PUTTENHAM + + +IV + +Horace Vicary, M.D., of Southbridge, to his old friend the Rev. Stacey +Morris + +MORRIS,--It's a good volume, take it all round. But what has given me, +in my unregeneracy, the greatest pleasure is the article on the +Puttenhams. For years the Puttenhams here have been putting on airs and +holding their noses higher than the highest, and it is not only (as they +say doubly of nibs) grateful and comforting, but a boon and a blessing, +to find that one of their not too remote ancestors kept a public-house, +and another was a tinsmith. And I fancy I am not alone in my +satisfaction. + +Yours, H. V. + + +V + +Sir Victor Puttenham, F.R.S., to the Editor of _The Mustershire +Archaeological Society's Records_ + +DEAR SIR,--As probably the most widely-known member of the Puttenham +family at the present moment, may I thank you for the generous space +which you have accorded to our history. To what extent it will be +readable by strangers I cannot say, but to me it is intensely +interesting, and if you can arrange for a few dozen reprints in paper +wrappers I shall be glad to have them. I had, of course, some knowledge +of my ancestors, but I had no idea that we were quite such an +undistinguished rabble of groundlings for so long. That drunken +whipper-in to Lord Dashingham in the seventeen-seventies particularly +delights me.--I am, + +Yours faithfully, + +VICTOR PUTTENHAM + + +VI + +From Sir Jonathan Puttenham to the Editor of _The Mustershire Herald and +Oldcaster Advertiser_ + +DEAR SIR,--I shall be obliged if you will make no more references in +_The Herald_ to the new _Mustershire Archaeological Records'_ article on +the Puttenhams. It is not that it lays emphasis on the humble origin of +that family. That is nothing to me. But I am at the moment engaged in a +correspondence with the Editor on the propriety of publishing private or +semi-private records of this character without first asking permission, +and as he will possibly see the advisability of withdrawing the article +in question there should be as little reference to it in the Press as +possible.--I am, + +Yours faithfully, + +JONATHAN PUTTENHAM + + +VII + +The Rev. Stacey Morris to Sir Jonathan Puttenham + +The Editor of _The Mustershire Archaeological Society's Records_ begs to +acknowledge Sir Jonathan Puttenham's letter of the 15th inst. He regrets +that the publication of the Puttenham genealogy should have so offended +Sir Jonathan, but would point out, firstly, that it has for years been a +custom of these Records to include such articles; secondly, that the +volume has now been delivered to all the Society's members; thirdly, +that there are members of the Puttenham family who do not at all share +Sir Jonathan's views; and, fourthly, that if such views obtained +generally the valuable and interesting pursuit of genealogy, of which +our President, Lord Hammerton, to name no others, is so ardent a patron, +would cease to be practised. + + +VIII + +Miss Lydia Puttenham, of "Weald View," Rusper Common, Tunbridge Wells, +to Lady Puttenham + +DEAR COUSIN MILDRED,--I wonder if Sir Victor has seen the article on our +family in _The Archaeological Records_. I am so vexed about it, not only +for myself and all of us, but particularly for him and you. It is not +right that a busy man working for humanity, as he is doing, should be +worried like that. Indeed I feel so strongly about it that I have sent +in my resignation as a member of the Society. Why such things should be +printed at all I cannot see. It is most unfair and unnecessary to go +into such details, nor can there be the slightest reason for doing so, +for the result is the dullest reading. Perhaps Sir Victor could get it +stopped. Again expressing my sympathy, I am, + +Yours affectionately, + +LYDIA PUTTENHAM + + +IX + +The Rev. Stacey Morris to Ernest Burroughs, the compiler of the +Puttenham genealogy + +MY DEAR BURROUGHS,--We are threatened with all kinds of penalties by Sir +Jonathan Puttenham, the great contractor, over your seamy revelations. +It is odd how differently these things are taken, for the other great +Puttenham, the chemist, Sir Victor, is delighted and is distributing +copies broadcast. Equal forms of snobbishness, a Thackeray would perhaps +say. But my purpose in writing is to say that I hope you will continue +the series undismayed. + +Yours sincerely, + +STACEY MORRIS + + + + +Poetry made Easy + + +In the admirable and stimulating lecture given to the English +Association by Professor Spurgeon on "Poetry in the Light of War," I +came again upon that poem of Rupert Brooke's in which he enumerates +certain material things that have given him most pleasure in life. "I +have been so great a lover," he writes, and then he makes a list of his +loves, thus following, perhaps all unconsciously, Lamb's _John Woodvil_ +in that rhymed passage which, under the title "The Universal Lover," has +been detached from the play. But Lamb, pretending to be Elizabethan, +dealt with the larger splendours, whereas Rupert Brooke's modernity took +count of the smaller. John Woodvil's list of his loves begins with the +sunrise and the sunset; Rupert Brooke sets down such mundane and +domestic trifles as white plates and cups, the hard crust of bread, and +the roughness of blankets. + +This, to strangers to the poem, may not sound very poetical, but they +must read it before they judge. To me it is at once one of the most +satisfying and most beautiful leaves in the Georgian anthology. Here is +a passage: + + Holes in the ground; and voices that do sing; + Voices in laughter too; and body's pain + Soon turned to peace; and the deep-panting train; + Firm sands; the little dulling edge of foam + That browns and dwindles as the wave goes home; + And washen stones, gay for an hour; the cold + Graveness of iron; moist black earthen mould; + Sleep; and high places; footprints in the dew; + And oaks; and brown horse-chestnuts, glossy-new; + And new-peeled sticks, and shining pools on grass; + --All these have been my loves. + +My reason in quoting these fine and tender lines is to point out how +simple a thing poetry can be; how easily we, at any rate for a few +moments--even the most material, the most world-brutalized of us,--can +become poets too. For I hold that any man searching his memory for the +things that from earliest days have given him most delight, and +sincerely recording them, not necessarily with verbal garniture at all, +is while he does so a poet. A good deal of Whitman is little else but +such catalogues; and Whitman was a great poet. The effort (even without +the reward of this not-always-desired label) is worth making, because +(and this is where the poetry comes in) it forces one to visit the past +and dwell again in the ways of pleasantness before the world was too +much with us and life's hand had begun to press heavily: most of such +loves as Rupert Brooke recalls having their roots in our childhood. +Hence such poetry as we shall make cannot be wholly reading without +tears. + +I find that on my list of loves scents would take a very important +place--the scent of gorse warmed by the sun coming almost first, gorse +blossoms rubbed in the hand and then crushed against the face, geranium +leaves, the leaves of the lemon verbena, the scent of pine trees, the +scent of unlit cigars, the scent of cigarette smoke blown my way from a +distance, the scent of coffee as it arrives from the grocer's (see what +a poet I am!), the scent of the underside of those little cushions of +moss which come away so easily in the woods, the scent of lilies of the +valley, the scent of oatcake for cattle, the scent of lilac, and, for +reasons, above all perhaps the scent of a rubbish fire in the garden. + +Rupert Brooke mentions the feel of things. Among the loves of the sense +of touch I should include smooth dried beans, purple and spotted, and +horse-chestnuts, warm and polished by being kept in the pocket, and +ptarmigan's feet, and tortoiseshell spoons for tea-caddies. And among +sounds, first and foremost is the sound of a carriage and pair, but very +high in position is that rare ecstasy, the distant drum and panpipes of +the Punch and Judy. Do they play the panpipes still, I wonder. And how +should I behave if I heard them round the corner? Should I run? I hope +so. Scent, sound, touch, and sight. Sight? Here the range is too vast, +and yet here, perhaps, the act of memory leads to the best poetry of +all. For to enumerate one's favourite sights--always, as Rupert Brooke +may be said to have done, although not perhaps consciously, in the mood +of one who is soon to lose the visible world for ever--is to become, no +matter how humble the list, a psalmist. + +The mere recollecting and recording even such haphazard memories as +these has had the effect of reconstructing also many too-long-forgotten +scenes of pure happiness, and has urged me about this dear England of +ours too, for I learned to love gorse on Harpenden Common, and pinewoods +at Ampthill, and moss in Kent, and the scent of coffee in the kitchen of +a home that can never be rebuilt, and--but poetry can be pain too. + + + + +A Pioneer + + +To be the first is always an achievement, even though the steps falter. +To be the first is also a distinction that cannot be taken away, because +whoever comes after must be a follower; and to follow is tame. It +occasionally happens that the first, no matter how many imitate him, is +also the best; but this cannot be said of Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, retired +medical officer on pension, a tiny pamphlet by whom has just fluttered +my way. + +Mr. Dutt's pioneer work was done in the realms of poesy, somewhen in the +eighteen-sixties, and the fruits are gathered together in this +_brochure_ under the title _Songs_, published at Chittagong, in India, +which, in some bewildering way, reached a second edition in 1886. In the +opening "distich" Mr. Dutt makes the claim to be the first Asiatic poet +to write in English, and if that is true this insignificant work +becomes the seed of which the full flower is the gifted Rabindra, son of +Tagore, whose mellifluous but mystic utterances lie, I am told, on every +boudoir table. Me they, for the most part, stump. + +Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, although a pioneer, made no claim himself to have +originated the startling idea of writing songs "in English word" and +English rhyme; he merely accepted the suggestion and acted upon it. The +suggestion came, under divine guidance, from Mr. J. D. Ward, the +Chittagong magistrate. Here are the lines, setting forth that +epoch-making moment, in an address to the Deity: + + I thank Thee for an idea that Thou has created in my heart + On which through the faculty I met now a very fresh art. + + ... + + Being myself desired by the Chittagong magistrate, Mr. J. D. Ward, + Got encouraged and commence writing a few songs in English word. + +To Mr. Ward, then, much honour; and, indeed, one of Ramkinoo Dutt's +pleasantest qualities is his desire always to give honour where it is +due. Mr. Ward was perhaps his especial darling among the white sahibs +of Chittagong, but all are praised. Thus, in another invocation to +Heaven, we read: + + King, conqueror of nations, encourage two sorts of mortals, + One skilled in war, the other in counsel. + + If so, why not Captain Macdonald should be the former? + If so, why not Mr. J. D. Ward would be the latter? + +And here is part of a "distich on arrival of 38th N.I.": + + We paid a visit upon Captain John A. Vanrenen, + He is a high-spirited hero and jolly gentleman, + + So is the Lieutenant George Fergus Graham, + So is the Lieutenant Henry Tottenham. + +The last poem of all is wholly devoted to eulogies of Chittagong +worthies. For example, Mr. H. Greavesour, the judge, + + Is a pious and righteous man, + Administering justice with mental pain. + +Of Mr. D. R. Douglas: + + There is Mr. D. R. Douglas, Joint Magistrate, + His judgment is pure, yes, on the highest rate. + +And Mr. A. Marsh, Magistrate-Collector: + + He is devout, holy man, naturally shy, + His mind seems runs through righteous way. + +And the Executive Engineer, Mr. C. A. Mills: + + The energitic gentleman is getting on well. + +All these were living and probably in daily reception of the obeisances +of the retired medical officer who esteemed them so highly; but Dr. +Beatson was dead: + + We lost, lately lost, Dr. W. B. Beatson. + We again shall never gain him in person.... + He is a Dr. Philanthropist, + He is a Dr. Physiognomist, + He is a Dr. Anatomist, + He is His Lordship's personal Surgeon. + +It will be seen already that Mr. Dutt had not yet mastered his +instrument, but he did not lack thoughts: merely the power to express +them. Throughout these thirty odd pages one sees him floundering in the +morass of a new language, always with something that he wants to say but +can only suggest. Here, for example, is a personal statement, line by +line more or less inarticulate, but as a whole clear enough. With all +the mental incompleteness, the verbal looseness, the fumblings and +gropings of the traditional Baboo, it is a genuine piece of irony. +Seldom can a convert to Christianity have been more frank. + + I would not accept a second creation, + I thank the Omnipotent for his kind protection. + From my minority, + I profess the mendacity, + Passed days in poverty, + From my minority. + Perpetually my duty, + Sobbing under perplexity. + Nothing least prosperity, + But sad and emotion. + + I gave up the heathenism, + And its favouritism, + Together with the Hinduism. + + I gave up the heathenism. + Neither the fanaticism, + Nor the paganism, + Or my idiotism, + Could enrich me with provision. + +Such was the poetical pioneer, Baboo Ramkinoo Dutt, who (supposing +always that we may accept his statement as true) was the first Hindu to +write English verse. + + + + +Full Circle + + +I have lately been the witness of two phenomena. + +Not long ago two officers and gentlemen (whom I had never seen before +and one of whom, alas! I shall never see again) descended from a blue +sky on to a neighbouring stretch of sward; had tea with me in my garden; +and, ascending into the blue again, were lost to view. Since it is +seldom that the heavens drop such visitants upon us in the obscure +region in which I live, it follows that while the aviators were absent +from their machine the news had so spread that by the time they rejoined +it and prepared to depart, a crowd had assembled not unworthy of being +compared, in point of numbers, with that which two workmen in London can +bring together whenever they begin to make a hole in the wood-block +paving. I had not thought so many people lived in the neighbourhood. +Every family, at any rate was represented, while the rector looked on +with the tolerant smile that the clergy keep for the wonders of science, +and just at the last moment up panted our policeman on his bicycle, and +pulling out his notebook and pencil for the aviators' names (Heaven +knows why), set upon the proceedings the seal of authority. + +Whatever may be said against aeroplanes in full flight, and there is +quite a long indictment--that they are, for instance, not at all like +birds, and much more like dragon-flies, and are too noisy, and too +rigid, and so forth,--no one in his senses can deny that as they rise +from the ground--especially if you are behind them and they are receding +swiftly in a straight line from you, and even more so if you are +personally acquainted with the occupants--they have beautiful and +exciting qualities. Not soon shall I forget the sight as my guests in +their biplane glided exquisitely from the turf into the air and, after +one circular sweep around our bewildered heads, swam away in the +direction of the Hog's Back. + +That was phenomenon No. 1. Phenomenon No. 2--also connected with the +mechanics of quicker movement than Shanks's mare ever compassed--was +one of those old high bicycles, a fifty-two inch, I should guess, dating +from the late eighteen-seventies, which, although the year was 1916, was +being ridden along the Brighton front. + +I am, unhappily, old enough to have been the owner of a bone-shaker, +upon which I can assure you I had far more amusing times than on any of +its luxurious progeny, even though they were fitted with every device +that all the engineers' brains in the world, together with the white hat +and beard of Mr. Dunlop, have succeeded in inventing. Being able to +remember the advent of the high bicycle and the rush to the windows and +gates whenever word went forth that one was approaching (much as a few +of the simpler among us still run when the buzz of the aeroplane is +heard), I was, as I watched the interest aroused among Brighton's +butterflies by this antique relic, in a position to reflect, not I trust +sardonically, but at any rate without any feelings of triumph, upon the +symmetrical completion of--I must not say one cycle of mechanical +enterprise, but one era. For this high bicycle (which was perhaps built +between thirty and forty years ago) wobbling along the King's Road drew +every eye. Before that moment we had been looking at I know not +what--the _Skylark_, maybe, now fitted with auxiliary motor power; or +the too many soldiers in blue clothes, with only one arm or one leg, and +sometimes with no legs at all, who take the sun near the Palace Pier and +are not wholly destitute of female companionship. But when this +outlandish vehicle came we all stopped to gaze and wonder, and we +watched it out of sight. + +"Look at that extraordinary bicycle!" said the young, to whom it was +something of the latest. + +"Well, I'm blessed," said the old, "if there isn't one of those high +bicycles from before the Flood!" + +And not only did it provide a diverting spectacle, but it gave us +something to talk about at dinner, where we compared old feats perched +on these strange monsters, in the days when the road from John o' Groats +to Land's End was thick with competitors, and half the male world wore +the same grey cloth, and the Vicar of Ripley strove every Sunday for +the cyclist's soul. + +Being myself didactically disposed, I went farther than reminiscence and +bored my companions with some such reflections as those that follow. It +is not given (I said) to many of us to have a second time on earth, but +this bicycle is having it, and enjoying it. In the distant +eighteen-seventies or eighties it was, as a daring innovation, a marvel +and a show. Then came (I went on) all the experiments and developments +under which cycling has become as natural almost as walking, during +which it lay neglected in corners, like the specimen in the London +Museum in the basement of Stafford House. And then an adventurous boy +discovered it, and riding it to-day bravely beside that promenade of +sun-beetles, assisted it (I concluded) to box the compass and transform +the Obsolete into the Novelty. + +Some day, if I live, there may visit me from the blue as I totter among +the flower-beds an aeroplane of so scandalous a crudity and immaturity +that all the countryside, long since weary of the sight and sound of +flying machines, then so common that every cottager will have one, will +again cluster about it while its occupants and I drink our tea. + +For with mechanical enterprise there is no standing still. Man, so +conspicuously unable to improve himself, is always making his inventions +better. + + + + +A Friend of Man + +In Two Parts + +I. THE FALLEN STAR + + +Once upon a time there was a pug dog who could speak. + +I found him on a seat in Hyde Park. + +"Good afternoon," he said. + +Why I was not astonished to be thus addressed by a pug dog, I cannot +say; but it seemed perfectly natural. + +"Good afternoon," I replied. + +"It's a long time," he said, "since you saw any of my kind, I expect?" + +"Now I come to think of it," I replied, "it is. How is that?" + +"There's a reason," he said. "Put in a nutshell it's this: Peeks." He +wheezed horribly. + +I asked him to be more explicit, and he amplified his epigram into: +"Pekingese." + +"They're all the rage now," he explained; "and we're out in the cold. If +you throw your memory back a dozen years or so," he went on, "you will +recall our popularity." + +As he spoke I did so. In the mind's eye I saw a sumptuous +carriage-and-pair. The horses bristled with mettle. The carriage was on +C-springs, and a coachman and footman were on the box. They wore claret +livery and cockades. The footman's arms were folded. His gloves were of +a dazzling whiteness. In the carriage was an elderly commanding lady +with an aristocratic nose; and in her lap was a pug dog of plethoric +habit and a face as black as your hat. + +All the time my new acquaintance was watching me with streaming eyes. +"What do you see?" he asked. + +I described my mental picture. + +"There you are," he said; "and what do you see to-day? There, look!" + +I glanced up at his bidding, and a costly motor was gliding smoothly by. +It weighed several tons, and its tyres were like dropsical life-belts. +On its shining door was a crest. The chauffeur was kept warm by costly +furs. Inside was an elderly lady, and in her arms was a russet +Pekingese. + +"So you see what went when I went," the pug said, after a noisy pause. +"It wasn't only pugs that went; it was carriages-and-pairs, and the +sound of eight hoofs all at once, and footmen with folded arms. We +passed out together. Exeunt pugs. Enter Peeks and Petrol. And now we are +out in the cold." + +I sympathized with him. "You must transfer your affection to another +class, that's all," I said. "If the nobs have gone back on you, there +are still a great many pug-lovers left." + +"No," he said, "that's no good; we want chicken. We must have it. +Without it, we had better become extinct." He wept with the sound of a +number of syphons all leaking together, and waddled away. + +At this moment the man who has charge of the chairs came up for my +money. I gave the penny. + +"I'm afraid I must charge you twopence," the man said. + +I asked him why. + +"For the dog," he said. "When they talks we has to make a charge for +them." + +"But it wasn't mine," I assured him. "It was a total stranger." + +"Come now," he said; and to save trouble I paid him. + +But how like a pug! + + +II. THE NEW BOOK OF BEAUTY + +A hundred years ago the Books of Beauty had line engravings by Charles +Heath, and long-necked, ringleted ladies looked wistfully or simperingly +at you. I have several examples: _Caskets_, _Albums_, _Keepsakes_. The +new Book of Beauty has a very different title. It is called _The +Pekingese_, and is the revised edition for 1914. + +The book is different in other ways too. The steel engravers having long +since all died of starvation, here are photographs only, in large +numbers, and (strange innovation!) there are more of gentlemen than of +ladies. For this preponderance there is a good commercial reason, as any +student of the work will quickly discover, for we are now entering a +sphere of life where the beauty of the sterner sex (if so severe a word +can be applied to such sublimation of everything that is soft and +voluptuous and endearing) is more considered than that of the other. +Beautiful ladies are here in some profusion, but the first place is for +beautiful and guinea-earning gentlemen. + +In the old Books of Beauty one could make a choice. There was always one +lady supremely longer-necked, more wistful or more simpering than the +others. But in this new Book of Beauty one turns the pages only to be +more perplexed. The embarrassment of riches is too embarrassing. I have +been through the work a score of times and am still wondering on whom my +affections and admiration are most firmly fixed. + +How to play the part of Paris where all the competitors have some +irresistibility, as all have of either sex? Once I thought that Wee Mo +of Westwood was my heart's chiefest delight, "a flame-red little dog +with black mask and ear-fringes, profuse coat and featherings, flat wide +skull, short flat face, short bowed legs and well-shaped body." But then +I turned back to Broadoak Beetle and on to Broadoak Cirawanzi, and +Young Beetle, and Nanking Fo, and Ta Fo of Greystones, and Petshe Ah +Wei, and Hay Ch'ah of Toddington, and that superb Sultanic creature, +King Rudolph of Ruritania, and Champion Howbury Ming, and Su Eh of +Newnham, and King Beetle of Minden, and Champion Hu Hi, and Mo Sho, and +that rich red dog, Buddha of Burford. And having chosen these I might +just as well scratch out their names and write others, for every male +face in this book is a poem. + +The ladies, as I have said, are in the minority, for the obvious reason +that these little disdainful distinguished gentlemen figure here as +potential fathers, with their fees somewhat indelicately named: since +there's husbandry on earth as well as in heaven. + +Such ladies as are here are here for their beauty alone and are beyond +price. Among them I note with especial joy Yiptse of Chinatown, Mandarin +Marvel, who "inherits the beautiful front of her sire, Broadoak Beetle"; +Lavender of Burton-on-Dee, "fawn, with black mask"; Chi-Fa of +Alderbourne, "a most charming and devoted little companion"; Yeng Loo of +Ipsley; Detlong Mo-li of Alderbourne, one of the "beautiful red +daughters of Wong-ti of Alderbourne," Champion Chaou Chingur, of whom +her owner says that "in quaintness and individuality and in loving +disposition she is unequalled," and is also "quite a 'woman of the +world,' very _blasee_ and also very punctilious in trifles"; Pearl of +Cotehele, "bright red, with beautiful back"; E-Wo Tu T'su; Berylune Tzu +Hsi Chu; Ko-ki of Radbourne and Siddington Fi-fi. + +Every now and then there is an article in the papers asking and +answering the question, What is the greatest benefit that has come to +mankind in the past half-century? The answer is usually the camera, or +matches, or the Marconi system, or the cinema, or the pianola, or the +turbine, or the Roentgen rays, or the telephone, or the bicycle, or Lord +Northcliffe, or the motor-car. Always something utilitarian or +scientific. But why should we not say at once that it was the +introduction of Pekingese spaniels into England from China? Because that +is the truth. + + + + +The Listener + + +Once upon a time there was a man with such delicate ears that he could +hear even letters speak. And, of course, letters lying in pillar-boxes +have all kinds of things to say to each other. + +One evening, having posted his own letter, he leaned against the +pillar-box and listened. + +"Here's another!" said a voice. "Who are you, pray?" + +"I'm an acceptance with thanks," said the new letter. + +"What do you accept?" another voice asked. + +"An invitation to dinner," said the new letter, with a touch of pride. + +"Pooh!" said the other. "Only that." + +"It's at a house in Kensington," said the new letter. + +"Well, _I'm_ an acceptance of an invitation to a dance at a duchess's," +was the reply, and the new letter said no more. + +Then all the others began. + +"I bring news of a legacy," said one. + +"I try to borrow money," said another, rather hopelessly. + +"I demand the payment of a debt," said a sharp metallic voice. + +"I decline an offer of marriage," said a fourth, with a wistful note. + +"I've got a cheque inside," said a fifth, with a swagger. + +"I convey the sack," said a sixth in triumph. + +"I ask to be taken on again, at a lower salary," said another, with +tears. + +"What do you think I am?" one inquired. "You shall have six guesses." + +"Give us a clue," said a voice. + +"Very well. I'm in a foolscap envelope." + +Then the guessing began. + +One said a writ. + +Another said an income-tax demand. + +But no one could guess it. + +"I'm a poem for a paper," said the foolscap letter at last. + +"Are you good?" asked a voice. + +"Not good enough, I'm afraid," said the poem. "In fact I've been out and +back again seven times already." + +"A war poem, I suppose?" + +"I suppose so. I rhyme 'trench' and 'French.'" + +"Guess what I am," said a sentimental murmur. + +"Anyone could guess that," was the gruff reply. "You're a love-letter." + +"Quite right," said the sentimental murmur. "But how clever of you!" + +"Well," said another, "you're not the only love-letter here. I'm a +love-letter too." + +"How do you begin?" asked the first. + +"I begin 'My Darling,'" said the second love-letter. + +"That's nothing," said the first; "I begin 'My Ownest Own.'" + +"I don't think much of either of those beginnings," said a new voice. "I +begin, 'Most Beautiful.'" + +"You're from a man, I suppose?" said the second love-letter. + +"Yes, I am," said the new one. "Aren't you?" + +"No, I'm from a woman," said the second. "I'll admit your beginning's +rather good. But, how do you end?" + +"I end with 'A million kisses,'" said the new one. + +"Ah, I've got you there!" said the second. "I end with 'For ever and +ever yours.'" + +"That's not bad," said the first, "but my ending is pretty good in its +way. I end like this: 'To-morrow will be Heaven once more, for then we +meet again.'" + +"Oh, do stop all this love talk," said the gruff voice again, "and be +sensible like me. I'm a letter to an Editor putting everything right and +showing up all the iniquities and ineptitudes of the Government. I shall +make a stir, I can tell you. I'm It, I am. I'm signed 'Pro Bono +Publico.'" + +"That's funny!" said another letter. "I'm signed that too, but I stick +up for the Government." + +But at this moment the listener was conscious of a hand on his arm and a +lantern in his face. + +"Here," said the authoritative tones of a policeman, "I think you've +been leaning against this pillar-box long enough. If you can't walk I'll +help you home." + +Thus does metallic prose invade the delicate poetical realm of +supernature. + + + + +The Dark Secret + + +It was the most perfect September day that anyone could remember. The +sun had risen in a dewy mist. The early air was pungent with yellowing +bracken. + +Then the mist cleared, the dew disappeared from everywhere but the +shadows, and the Red Admirals again settled on the Michaelmas daisies. + +A young man walked up and down the paths of the garden and drank in its +sweetness; then he passed on to the orchard and picked from the wet +grass a reddening apple, which he ate. Something pulled at his flannel +trousers: it was a spaniel puppy, and with it he played till +breakfast-time. + +He was staying with some friends for a cricket match. It was the last of +the season and his only game that year. As one grows older and busier, +cricket becomes less and less convenient, and on the two occasions that +he had arranged for a day it had been wet. + +He had never been a great hand at the game. He had never made 100 or +even 70, never taken any really good wickets; but he liked every minute +of a match, so much so that he was always the first to volunteer to +field when there was a man short, or run for some one who was lame, or +even to stand as umpire. + +To be in the field was the thing. Those rainy interludes in the pavilion +which so develop the stoicism of the first-class cricketer had no power +to make a philosopher of him. All their effect on him was detrimental: +they turned him black. He fretted and raged. + +But to-day there was not a cloud; nothing but the golden September sun. + +It was one of the jolly matches. There was no jarring element: no bowler +who was several sizes too good; no bowler who resented being taken off; +no habitual country-house cricketer whose whole conversation was the +jargon of the game; no batsman too superior to the rest; no acerbitous +captain with a lost temper over every mistake; no champagne for lunch. +Most of the players were very occasional performers: the rest were +gardeners and a few schoolboys. Nice boys--boys who might have come from +Winchester. + +He was quickly out, but he did not mind, for he had had one glorious +swipe and was caught in the deep field off another, and there is no +better way of getting out than that. + +In the field he himself stood deep, and the only catch that came to him +he held; while in the intervals between wickets he lay on the sweet +grass while the sun warmed him through and through. If ever it was good +to be alive.... + +And suddenly the sun no longer warmed him, and he noticed that it had +sunk behind a tree in whose hundred-yard-long shadow he was standing. +For a second he shivered, not only at the loss of tangible heat, but at +the realization that the summer was nearly gone (for it was still early +in the afternoon), and this was the last cricket match, and he had +missed all the others, and he was growing old, and winter was coming on, +and next year he might have no chance; but most of all he regretted the +loss of the incredible goodness of this day, and for the first time in +his life the thought phrased itself in his mind: "No sooner do we grasp +the present than it becomes the past." The haste of it all oppressed +him. Nothing stands still. + +"A ripping day, wasn't it?" said his host as they walked back. + +"Perfect," he replied, with a sigh. "But how soon over!" + +They stopped for a moment at the top of the hill to look at the sunset, +and he sighed again as his thoughts flew to that print of the +"Melancholia" which had hung on the stairs in his early home. + +"Notice the sunset," some visitor had once said to him. "Some day you +will know why Duerer put that in." + +And now he knew. + +That evening he heard the Winchester boys making plans for the winter +sports at Pontresina in the Christmas vac. + + + + +The Scholar and the Pirate + + +In an old bookshop which I visit, never without making a discovery or +two--not infrequently, as in the present case, assisted in my good +fortune by the bookseller himself--I lately came upon an edition of +Long's _Marcus Aurelius_ with an admirable prefatory note that is, I +believe, peculiar to this issue--that of 1869. And since the eyes of the +present generation have never been turned towards America so often and +so seriously as latterly, when our Trans-Atlantic cousins have become +our allies, blood once more of our blood, the passage may be reprinted +with peculiar propriety. Apart, however, from its American interest, the +document is valuable for its dignity and independence, and it had the +effect of sending me to that rock of refuge, _The Dictionary of National +Biography_, to inquire further as to its author. There I found that +George Long, whose translation of the Imperial Stoic is a classic, was +born in 1800; educated at Macclesfield Grammar School and Trinity +College, Cambridge; in 1821 was bracketed Craven scholar with Macaulay +and Professor Malden, but gained a fellowship over both of them; and in +1824 went to Charlotteville, Virginia, as professor of ancient +languages. Returning in 1828 to profess Greek at University College, +London, he was thenceforward, throughout his long life, concerned with +the teaching and popularizing of the classics, finding time, however, +also to be called to the Bar, to lecture on jurisprudence and civil law, +and to help to found the Royal Geographical Society. His _Marcus +Aurelius_ is his best-known work, but his edition of Cicero's Orations, +his discourse on Roman Law, and his Epictetus also stand alone. After +many years' teaching at Brighton College, Long retired to Chichester, +where he died in 1879. + +Late in life he brought out anonymously a book of essays, entitled _An +Old Man's Thoughts about Many Things_, in which I have been dipping. I +do not say it would bear reprinting now, but anyone seeing it on a +friend's shelf should borrow it, or in a bookshop should buy it, +because such kindly good sense, such simple directness and candour and +love of the humanities are rare. It has its mischief, too. The old +scholar's opinion on statue-making in general and on London's statues in +particular are expressed with a dry frankness that is refreshing. I make +no effort to resist quoting a little: + + "It is in the nature of things that statues should be made. + They were made more than two thousand years ago, and I + believe the business has never stopped, for when people + could not get good statues, they were content with bad, as + we are now. + + "If I might give advice to the men now living, who look + forward to the honour, if it is an honour, of being set up + in bronze in the highways, or in marble in Westminster Abbey + or St. Paul's; if I might advise, I would say, leave a + legacy in your will for your own statue. It will save much + trouble and people will think better of you when you are + gone, if you cost them nothing. As to their laughing at you + for looking after your own statue, be not afraid of that. + + "It is very disagreeable nowadays to see a man standing for + ever on his legs in public, doing nothing but stand, and + seeming as if he were never going to do anything else. + + "If a man shall try to persuade me that a statue should be + nothing more than the effigy of a man standing on a + pedestal, I shall never be convinced. I would rather see a + living man standing on an inverted cask, as I have seen a + slave when he was sold, not that the sale is a very pleasant + thing to see, but the man produced a much better effect than + many of our statues, for he expressed something and they + express nothing. + + "As we cannot or at least ought not to make our statues + naked or blanket-dressed, and as body and legs are merely + given to a statue in order to support the head, for the legs + and body might be any legs and any body, would it not be + wise to be satisfied with the head only? This would be a + great saving, and though the sculptor would get less for a + head than for a head with body and legs to it, he would have + more heads to make. This is a hint, which I throw out by the + way, for the consideration of committees who sit on + statues, by which I mean men who sit together to talk about + a thing of which most of them know nothing. + + "When the negroes of Africa have been brought to the same + state of civilization as the white man, they will make + statues and set them up in public; and as we who are white + make black statues, they who are black will of course make + white statues. + + "Can anybody say what sin Dr. Jenner committed for which he + does perpetual penance, not in white, but in black, his face + black and his hands too, seated in the most public part of + London, fixed to his chair, with no hope of rising from it? + + "This seated figure might be anybody. I see nothing by which + I recognize Dr. Jenner; to say nothing of a cow, there is + not even a calf by his side, with the benevolent physician's + hand on the animal. + + "I cannot approve of a seated black statue in the open + air--a black man sitting, and no more. + + "I sincerely pity our seated gentlemen in London, poor + Cartwright, who looks like an old cobbler on his stool, and + Fox, worse treated still, blanket-dressed, fat and black. No + wonder some shortsighted man from the new Confederate States + once took Fox for a negro woman, the emblem of British + philanthropy and a memorial of the abolition of the slave + trade. + + "The only beasts on which we can now place our heroes are + horses. I may be wrong in my opinion, but I see no beauty in + a horse standing still and a man's legs dangling down from + the beast's back; nor do I think that the matter is mended + by the horse and rider being of colossal size, though they + ought to be larger than life. Perhaps we shall not have any + more of these statues; but is it impossible to remove those + that we have? + + "As we are a fighting people, we have been great makers of + statues of fighting men. We put them even in churches. This + reminds that when the time shall come for finishing and + adorning the inside of St. Paul's, there will be an enormous + quantity of old stone to dispose of, which is now in the + shape of generals, captains, admirals, lions and other + animals. + + "It is singular, or it is not singular, I can't say which, + that we who box, wrestle, run and in many ways work our + bodies, more than any other nation, have not employed our + sculptors to immortalize our athletic heroes. Some of them + would make good subjects for the artist. He might strip the + boxer or runner naked, if he liked, and exhibit his art in + the representation of strength and beauty of form. I have + some misgivings about the faces of boxers, which are not + remarkable for beauty, but the artist may improve them a + little without destroying the likeness; and besides, in a + naked figure we look less at the face than at the body and + limbs. The champion of England would certainly have had a + statue by Lysippus or some artist as good, if he had been + lucky enough to live in ancient times.... We shall, of + course, want a place to put these statues in, for we may be + sure they will not get into the churches, which are only + made for statues of fighting men who have killed somebody or + ordered somebody to kill somebody. + + "I could go on much longer, but I don't choose. I write to + amuse myself, and also to instruct, and when I am tired, I + stop. I see no reason why I should exhaust the subject. I + should only be giving my ideas to people who have none, who + make a reputation out of other folks' brains, who pounce on + anything that they find ready to their hand, and flood us + with books made only to sell." + +It is already, I imagine, abundantly clear that Long would not have much +liked many things that we do to-day. Writing of "Place and Power," he +says: "At that very distant time when all members of Parliament shall be +Andrew Marvells and will live on two hundred a year, poor men may do our +business for us; but for the present I prefer men who are rich enough to +live without the profits of place. I wish somebody would move for a +return of all the visible and invisible means of support which every +member of the Commons has. I want to know how much every man in the +House receives of public money, whether he is soldier, sailor, +place-holder, sinecurist, or anything else; and also how much he has by +the year of his own." Elsewhere he says: "There is no occasion to print +any more sermons.... I have always wondered why so much is written on +the doctrines and principles of Christianity and on good living, when we +have it done long ago in a few books which we all refer to as our +authority." And this is good: "I wish Euclid could have secured a +perpetual copyright. It might have helped the finances of the Greeks." + +But I am not proposing to dissect Long's essays; it is the fine rebuke +to an American publisher that I want to bring to your notice, for there +Long's habitual serenity takes an edge. His protest runs thus: + + "I have been informed that an American publisher has printed + the first edition of this translation of M. Antoninus. I do + not grudge him his profit, if he has made any. There may be + many men and women in the United States who will be glad to + read the thoughts of the Roman Emperor. If the American + politicians, as they are called, would read them also, I + should be much pleased, but I do not think the emperor's + morality would suit their taste. + + "I have also been informed that the American publisher has + dedicated this translation to an American. I have no + objection to the book being dedicated to an American, but in + doing this without my consent the publisher has transgressed + the bounds of decency. I have never dedicated a book to any + man, and if I dedicated this, I should choose the man whose + name seemed to me most worthy to be joined to that of the + Roman soldier and philosopher. I might dedicate the book to + the successful general who is now the President of the + United States, with the hope that his integrity and justice + will restore peace and happiness, so far as he can, to those + unhappy States which have suffered so much from war and the + unrelenting hostility of wicked men. + + "But, as the Roman poet said, + + Victrix causa Deis placuit, sed victa Catoni; + + and if I dedicated this little book to any man, I would + dedicate it to him who led the Confederate armies against + the powerful invader, and retired from an unequal contest + defeated, but not dishonoured; to the noble Virginian + soldier, whose talents and virtues place him by the side of + the best and wisest man who sat on the throne of the + Imperial Caesars.--GEORGE LONG." + +That is excellent prose, is it not? The general to whom Long would +dedicate the edition was Robert Edward Lee, who had then become head of +the Washington College and survived only until 1870. The President at +the time that Long wrote was General Grant, to whom Lee surrendered. + +One or two anecdotes of Long which have recently come my way would alone +convince me, apart from the evidence of his record and his writings, +that here was a very sterling and very independent "character" of whom +much more should be known. Some day I hope to know more. Meanwhile I +relate one of the stories. An appeal for cast-off clothing for the poor +clergy being made, some one took the line that such an appeal was _infra +dig_. Long smoked, pondered, and thus delivered himself: "But is it not +paramount that these gentlemen should have trousers?" + + + + +A Set of Three + + +The other day I saw three sights, and, although they have no connexion +with each other, each was in its way sufficiently evocative of thought +to make that day a little more interesting than most. + +It was the first day of the tardy spring of 1917, or rather the first +day into which had crept those hints that the power of the long, cruel +war-winter must some day be broken. The sun was almost visible, and a +tenderness now and then touched the air, and no one who is at all +responsive to weather conditions could fail to be a little elated and +believe once more not only in a future of sorts but also in a lurking +benignancy somewhere. Stimulated myself in this way, even although I was +approaching a rehearsal of a _revue_, I came suddenly in the King's Road +upon that disused burial-ground opposite the Six Bells, and was aware +that, sitting there on seats facing the road, in white aprons and caps, +with shawls over their shoulders, were five of the saddest old ladies I +have ever seen--occupants, I presume, of a neighbouring workhouse. There +they sat, saying nothing, and watching without enthusiasm the passers-by +and the 'buses and the taxis and all the hurry and scurry of an +existence from which they are utterly withdrawn and which they will soon +leave for ever. Being on my frivolous errand, I was pulled up very short +by the spectacle of five such stallholders as these whom the bigger +_revue_ which we call life had left so cold; and not only cold, but so +tired and so white, as life loves to do. There was a poignancy in their +very placidity, in the folded hands and the incommunicableness of them, +that was very searching. There was criticism too. Hardly more sentient +than the mummies which were displayed to the guests at Egyptian feasts, +they were equally admonitory.... + +I was glad again to be in the theatre listening to the familiar tones of +the producer wondering why in thunder no one but himself had the +faintest respect for punctuality. + +Later in the day I saw a blinded officer, with both eyes bandaged, being +led along Sloane Street. Blinded men are, alas! not rare, and it was not +the officer himself that attracted my notice, but two fine, upstanding +young soldiers who as they passed him saluted with as much punctilio as +though he could see them. Of this salute he was, of course, wholly +unconscious, but the precision with which it was given, and, indeed, the +fact that it was given at all, could not but make an impression on the +observer. It seemed to comprise so thoroughly both the spirit and the +letter of discipline. + +And late that night I watched in the Tube, after the theatres, a man +and a small eager-faced boy talking about something they had been to +see. Although sitting exactly opposite them, I have no idea what they +said, but they amused each other immensely as they recalled this joke +and that. Nothing extraordinary in this, you will say. But there was. +The reason why I was so profoundly interested to be a witness of the +scene was that they were deaf and dumb, and the whole conversation was +carried on by signs; not by the alphabet that one learnt at school in +order to communicate during class, but a rapid synthetic improvement +upon it, where two or three lightning-quick movements--gesture +grammalogues--sufficed to convey whole sentences of meaning. It is +perhaps curious, but I had never before been brought into such close +contact with the deaf and dumb; I have never even been--as, since I +profess to explore and study London, I should have been--to that church +in Oxford Street, opposite the great secret emporium, where the deaf and +dumb worship and by signs are exhorted to be good. Beyond watching that +boys' school which one sees gesticulating on the Brighton front, I had +never until this night seen these afflicted creatures in intimate and +sparkling talk. I found the sight not only interesting, but as cheering +as those poor old things in the King's Road oasis had been saddening. +Because the unfortunates were making such a splendid fight for it. No +boy with every faculty about him could have been gayer or merrier than +this mute with the dancing eyes; nor can I conceive of a spoken +conversation that contained a completer interchange of ideas in the same +space of time. + +At Oxford Circus they got out, and left me pondering on deafness and +dumbness. To be dumb, of course, is, comparatively speaking, nothing; +for most of the perplexities of life come from talk. But to be deaf--to +live ever in silence, to see laughing lips moving, to see hands +wandering over the keys, to see birds exulting, and be denied the +resultant harmonies: that must be terrible. Yet terrible only to those +who have known what the solace and gaiety of words and the beauty of +sound can be. To have been born deaf is different, and I have no doubt +whatever that the deaf and dumb have delectable lands of their own into +which we can never stray, where wonderful flowers of silence grow. It is +even possible, since all the visible world is theirs, that they never +envy us at all. + + + + +A Lesson + + +God--it is notorious--works in a mysterious way to get morality and +decency into us; which is another way of saying that not all light is +communicated by the Episcopal bench, by clerks in holy orders, by +divines who do not conform, or by editors at Whitefield's Tabernacle. + +The other day, for example, I had lunch with a very charming actress in +a pleasant restaurant. + +"Rather a funny thing happened the last time I was here," she remarked. + +"Yes?" I replied languidly. + +"About you." + +"Oh!" I said with animation. "Do tell me." + +"It was also at lunch," she explained. "The people at the next table +were talking about you. I couldn't help hearing a little. A man there +said he had met you in Shanghai." + +"Not really!" I exclaimed. + +"Yes. He met you in Shanghai." + +"That's frightfully interesting," I said. "What did he say about me?" + +"That's what I couldn't hear," she replied. "You see, I had to pay some +attention to my own crowd. I only caught the word 'delightful.'" + +Ever since she told me this I have been turning it over in my mind; and +it is particularly vexing not to know more. "Delightful" can be such +jargon and mean nothing--or, at any rate, nothing more than amiability. +Still, that is something, for one is not always amiable, even when +meeting strangers. On the other hand, it might be, from this man, the +highest praise. + +The whole thing naturally leads to thought, because I have never been +farther east than Athens in my life. + +What did the man mean? Can we possibly visit other cities in our sleep? +Has each of us an _alter ego_, who can really behave, elsewhere? + +Whether we have or not, I know that this information about my Shanghai +double is going to be a great nuisance to me. It is going to change my +character. In fact, it has already begun to change it. Let me give you +an example. + +Only yesterday I was about to be very angry with a telegraph boy who +brought back a telegram I had dispatched about two hours earlier, saying +that it could not be delivered because it was insufficiently addressed. +Obviously it was not the boy's fault, for he belonged to our country +post office, and the telegram had been sent to London and was returned +from there; and yet I started to abuse that boy as though he were not +only the Postmaster-General himself but the inventor of red-tape into +the bargain. And all for a piece of carelessness of my own. + +And then suddenly I remembered Shanghai and how delightful I was there. +And I shut up instantly, and apologized, and rewrote the message, and +gave the boy a shilling for himself. If one could be delightful in +Shanghai one must be delightful at home too. + +And so it is going to be. There is very little fun for me in the future, +and all because of that nice-mannered double in Shanghai whom I must not +disgrace. For it would be horrible if one day a lady told him that she +had overheard some one who had met him in London and found him to be a +bear. + + + + +=ON BELLONA'S HEM= + +(SECOND SERIES) + + + + +ON BELLONA'S HEM + + +A Revel in Gambogia + +There are certain ebullitions of frivolity about which, during the war, +one has felt far from comfortable. To read reports of them, side by side +with the various "grave warnings" which every one has been uttering, is +to be almost too vividly reminded of England's capacity for divided +action. But there are also others; and chief among these I should set +the fancy-dress carnival of munition-workers at which I was privileged +to be present one Saturday night. Here was necessary frivolity, if you +like, for these myriad girls worked like slaves all the week, day and +night, and many of them on Sundays too--and "National filling," as their +particular task is called, is no joke either--and it was splendid to see +them flinging themselves into the fun of this rare careless evening. + +Fancy dress being the rule, it was only right and proper that there +should be prizes for the best costumes; and since the lady who shed her +beneficence over this prismatic throng does nothing by halves, she had +called in the assistance of two artists to adjudicate. I will not make +public their names; that would be to overstep the boundaries of decorum +and turn this book into sheer journalism. But I will say that one of +them is equally renowned in Chelsea for his distinguished brushwork and +his wit; and that the other's extravaganzas cheer a million +breakfast-tables daily. How I, who am not an artist, and so little of a +costumier that I did not even wear evening dress, got into this _galere_ +is the mystery. I can explain it only by a habit of good fortune, for I +chanced to be in the studio of the Chelsea artist at the moment when the +beneficent lady arrived to put her request to him, and, noticing my +pathetic look, she in her great kindness included me in the invitation. + +Deciding on the best costume when there are many hundreds of them, and +they pass before the dazzled eye in a swift procession of couples, is +not easy; and only very remarkable men could perform the task. Women +might find it easier, because they would not be influenced, as one of +our judges obviously was, by the external claims of personal beauty. A +woman would look at the costume and nothing else, make her notes with +scientific precision, and prepare for the next. But when the competitors +are all--or almost all--girls, and most of them pretty and all jolly, +why, how can you expect impartiality, especially in artists, and at any +rate without a struggle? But in spite of the difficulties set up by the +impact of so much charm upon the emotional susceptibilities of at any +rate one judge, the process of selecting a first, second, and third was +accomplished with, I should say--speaking as a calm, detached spectator, +with all my feelings well under control--absolute equity. + +The first prize went to a slender lady of whose features I can say +nothing because I never saw them, her Eastern costume including a veil +that covered her face. But it seemed to these not too discerning eyes +that she was otherwise of an attractive shapeliness. As to her, the +judges were unanimous; but when it came to the second they were divided. +The Chelsea judge, again swayed by passion, and possibly recalling old +triumphs in his Latin Quarter days, preferred a French costume; the +other was firm for an Indian. What would have happened I dare not think, +for each was a powerful and determined man, ready to stick at nothing, +had I not, in my cool-headedness, been inspired to suggest tossing up +for it, and the result was that, the coin showing heads, the Indian won, +and the French costume naturally took the third prize. There were then +two prizes to be awarded for the most original costumes, the previous +ones having been for the prettiest costumes, and here the winner was a +jovial lady who with her own hands had transformed herself into an +advertisement for a certain soup powder. + +The iron laws of etiquette (or is it finance?) which so cramp the style +of any writer who refers to advertisements forbid me to state what +particular soup powder this was; but according to the hoardings, the way +in which a pennyworth will nourish and rejoice the human frame is, as +the Americans say, something fierce. If the applause of the company was +a guide, this prizewinner is a very popular figure among our "National +fillers." The second prize went to a very ingenious costume called +"Tommy's Parcel," consisting of most things that a soldier likes to +receive, and so thorough in design as to comprise, tied to the lady's +shoes, two packets of a harmful necessary powder without a copious +sprinkling of which no trench is really like home. If the approving +glances at "Tommy's Parcel" from a young officer who was at my side are +any indication, there are few of our warriors who would not welcome it +with open arms. + +And then--the prizes being all awarded--all these nice girls, on whose +activities England has been so largely depending for safety, set again +to partners. + +But why, you ask, Gambogia? I thought you would want to know that. It is +because in the making of munitions at the factory from which these girls +all come there are certain chemicals which have the effect of turning +the skin yellow. And among these merry revellers were some thus--but, I +hope and believe, only temporarily--disfigured. The cheerfulness with +which they are prepared to run these risks, not to mention others more +perilous but less menacing to personal vanity, is not the least of the +finenesses of character which the war has brought out; and the thought +of that and of their hard work and their gay courage made the spectacle +of the happy high spirits of this evening of playtime even more a +satisfaction. + + + + +The Misfire + + +When I entered the third smoker there was, as there now always is, a +soldier in one corner. + +Just as we were starting, another soldier got in and sat in the opposite +corner; and within two minutes they knew all about each other's camp, +destination and regiment, and had exchanged cigarettes. + +The first soldier had not yet left England and was stolid; the new-comer +had been in the trenches, had been wounded in the leg, had recovered, +was shortly going back, and was animated. His leg was all right, except +that in wet weather it ached. In fact he could even tell by it when we +were going to have rain. His "blooming barometer" he called it. Here he +laughed--a hearty laugh, for he was a genial blade and liked to hear +himself talk. + +The first soldier did not laugh, but was interested. He thought it a +convenient thing to have a leg that foretold the weather. + +"Which one is it?" he asked. + +"The left." + +The first soldier was disproportionately impressed. + +"The left, is it?" he said heavily, as though he would have understood +the phenomenon in the right easily enough. "The left." + +Completely unconscious of the danger-signals, the second soldier now +began to review his repertory of stories, and he started off with that +excellent one, very popular in the early days of the war, about the +wealthy private. + +For the sake of verisimilitude he laid the scene in his own barracks. "A +funny thing happened at our place the other day," he began. He had +evidently had great success with this story. His expression indicated +approaching triumph. + +But no anticipatory gleam lit the face of his new friend. It was in fact +one of those faces into which words sink as into sand--a white, puffy, +long face, with a moustache of obsolete bushiness. + +"I thought I should have died of laughing," the narrator resumed, +utterly unsuspicious, wholly undeterred. + +In the far corner I kept my eye on my book but my ears open. I could see +that he was rushing to his doom. + +"We were being paid," he went on, "and the quartermaster asked one of +the men if he did not wish sixpence to be deducted to go to his wife. +The man said, 'No.' 'Why not?' the quartermaster asked. The man said he +didn't think his wife would need it or miss it. 'You'd better be +generous about it,' the quartermaster said; 'every little helps, you +know.'" + +He paused. "What do you think the man said to that?" he asked his new +friend. "He said," he hurried on, "'I don't think I'll send it. You see, +I allow her four thousand a year as it is.'" + +The raconteur laughed loudly and leaned back with the satisfaction--or +at least some of it--of one who has told a funny story and told it well. + +But the other did not laugh at all. His face remained the dull thing it +was. + +"You see," said the story-teller, explaining the point, "there are all +sorts in the Army now, and this man was a toff. He was so rich that he +could afford to allow his wife four thousand pounds a year. Four +thousand pounds! Do you see?" + +"Oh yes, I see that. He must have been very rich. Why was he just a +private?" + +"I don't know." + +"Funny being a private with all that money. I wonder you didn't ask +him." + +"I didn't, anyway. But you see the point now. No end of a joke for the +quartermaster to try and get a man who allowed his wife four thousand a +year to deduct sixpence a week to send to her! I thought I should have +died of laughing." + +The first soldier remained impassive. "And what happened?" he asked at +last. + +"What happened?" + +"Yes, what was done about it? The sixpence, I mean. Did he agree to send +it?" + +The second soldier pulled himself together. "Oh, I don't know," he said +shortly. "That's not the point." + +"After all," the other continued, "the regulations say that married men +have to deduct sixpence for their wives, don't they?" + +"Yes, of course," the other replied. "But this man, I tell you, already +gave her four thousand a year." + +"That doesn't really touch it," said the first soldier. "The principle's +the same. Now----" + +But I could stand the humiliation of the other honest fellow, so +brimming with anecdote and cheerfulness, no longer; and I came to his +rescue with my cigarette case. For I have had misfires myself. + + + + +A Letter + +(_From Captain Claude Seaforth to a novelist friend_) + + +MY DEAR MAN,--You asked me to tell you if anything very remarkable came +my way. I think I have a story for you at last. If I could only write I +would make something of it myself, but not being of Kitchener's Army I +can't. + +The other day, while I was clearing up papers and accounts, and all over +ink, as I always get, the Sergeant came to me, looking very rum. "Two +young fellows want to see you," he said. + +Of course I said I was too busy and that he must deal with them. + +"I think you'd rather see them yourself," he said, with another odd +look. + +"What do they want?" I asked. + +"They want to enlist," he said; "but they don't want to see the +doctor." + +We've had some of these before--consumptives of the bull-dog breed, you +know. Full of pluck but no mortal use; knocked out by the first route +march. + +"Why don't you tell them that they must see the doctor and have done +with it?" I asked the Sergeant. + +Again he smiled queerly. "I made sure you'd rather do it yourself," he +said. "Shall I send them in?" + +So I wished them farther and said "Yes"; and in they came. + +They were the prettiest boys you ever saw in your life--too pretty. One +had red hair and the other black, and they were dressed like navvies. +They held their caps in their hands. + +"What's this rubbish about not seeing a doctor?" I asked. You know my +brutal way. + +"We thought perhaps it could be dispensed with," Red Hair said, drawing +nearer to Black Hair. + +"Of course it can't," I told them. "What use to the Army are weaklings +who can't stand the strain? They're just clogs in the machinery. Don't +you see that?" + +"We're very strong," Red Hair said, "only----" + +"Only what?" + +"Only----" Here they looked at each other, and Red Hair said, "Shall +we?" and Black Hair said, "Yes"; and they both came closer to me. + +"Will you promise," said Red Hair, "that you will treat as confidential +anything we say to you?" + +"So long as it is nothing dangerous to the State," I said, rather proud +of myself for thinking of it. + +"We want to fight for our country," Red Hair began. + +"No one wants to fight more," Black Hair put in. + +"And we're very strong," Red Hair continued. + +"I won a cup for lawn-tennis at Devonshire Park," Black Hair added. + +"But----" said Red Hair. + +"Yes," I replied. + +"Don't you believe in some women being as strong as men?" + +"Certainly," I said. + +"Well, then," said Red Hair, "that's like us. We are as strong as lots +of men and much keener, and we want you to be kind to us and let us +enlist." + +"We'll never do anything to give ourselves away," said Black Hair; but, +bless her innocent heart, she was giving herself away all the time. +Every moment was feminine. + +The rum thing is that, although I had been conscious of something odd, I +never thought they were girls. Directly I knew it, I knew that I had +been the most unobservant ass alive; for they couldn't possibly be +anything else. + +"My dear young ladies," I said at last, "I think you are splendid and an +example to the world; but what you ask is impossible. Have you thought +for a moment what it would be like to find yourselves in barracks with +the ordinary British soldier? He is a brave man and, when you meet him +alone, he is nearly always a nice man; but collectively he might not do +as company for you." + +"But look at this," said Red Hair, showing me a newspaper-cutting about +a group of Russian girls known as "The Twelve Friends," who have been +through the campaign and were treated with the utmost respect by the +soldiers. + +"And there's a woman buried at Brighton," said Black Hair, "who fought +as a man for years and lived to be a hundred." + +"And think of Joan of Arc," said Red Hair. + +"And Boadicea," said Black Hair. + +"Well," I said, "leaving Joan of Arc and Boadicea aside, possibly those +Russians and that Brighton woman looked like men, which it is certain +you don't!" + +"Oh!" said Black Hair, who was really rather peculiarly nice. "Then why +didn't you spot us before?" + +One for me. + +"I have no doubt I should have done so in a moment more," I said. "The +fact is"--what cowards we are!--"I was preoccupied when you came in." + +Black Hair looked adorably as if she didn't believe it. + +"But anyway," I went on, "we must be serious. What would your people +say?" + +"We left word," said Red Hair, "that we were going off to do something +for our country. They won't worry. Oh, please be kind and help us!" + +Here all four of their beautiful eyes grew moist. + +I could have hugged both of them, especially perhaps Black Hair, but I +kept an iron hand on myself. + +"You nice absurd creatures," I said, "do be reasonable. To begin with, +passing the doctor is an absolute necessity. That shuts you out. But +even if you got through, how do you think you would be helping your +country? All the men would be falling in love with you; and that's bad +enough as it is after working hours; it would be the ruin of discipline. +And you could not bear the fatigue. No, go back and learn to be nurses +and let your lovely hair grow again." + +They were very obstinate and very unwilling to entertain the thought of +drudgery such as nursing after all their dreams of excitement; but at +last they came to reason, and I sent for a cab and packed them off in it +(I simply could not bear the idea of other people seeing them in that +masquerade), and told them that the sooner they changed the better. + +After they had gone the Sergeant came in about something. + +I said nothing, and he said nothing, each of us waiting for the other. + +He moved about absolutely silently, and I dared not meet his glance +because I knew I should give myself away. The rascal has not been +running his eye over young women all these years without being able to +tell them in a moment, even in navvy's clothes. + +At last I could stand it no longer. "Damn it," I said, "what are you +doing? Why don't you go? I didn't send for you." But still I didn't dare +look up. + +"I thought perhaps you had something to say to me, sir," he said. + +"No, I haven't," I replied. "Why should I? What about?" + +"Only about those two young men, sir," he replied. + +"Get out," I said; but before he could go I had burst into laughter. + +"Better not mention it," I managed to say. + +He promised. + +There--won't you find that useful? + +Yours, C. S. + + + + +A Manor in the Air + + +The stately homes of England have ever numbered some very odd names. +Every one remembers that beautiful Southern retreat whither, to the +delight of the wags, Mr. Balfour often journeyed for his week-end +holiday--"Clouds," the seat of the Wyndhams. Could there be a much more +fascinating name than "Clouds"? And then there is "Wrest," the late Lord +Lucas's Bedfordshire home, afterwards transformed, how suitably, into a +hospital for soldiers. And there is that Midland paradise which, in the +days of placid, even life, the editors of illustrated weeklies always +recollected with gratitude when they were short of other +pictures--"Compton Wynyates." + +But the new name which I have just discovered, and which fills the +inward eye with joy, is a house on a smaller scale than these--a +manor-house rather than a mansion, perhaps one of the smallest that can +be described as a "gentleman's place," but assuredly that. Somewhere in +Sussex, western Sussex. + +It is not near the station, and to reach it you walk or drive along +winding roads just now sodden with rain, but smelling of the good wet +Sussex leaves and mast and soil, with the Downs rising not too many +miles away in the South. Then a turn into a narrow lane, with the bare +trees of a copse on either side and a scurrying pheasant in front of +you, and behold the white gate! There is no lodge--the house is just too +small for that, as you can now see for yourself, for there it is, under +the protection of the wood that rises behind it, so quiet and +self-contained that you almost gasp. + +Very old it is, but good for many years more. The frame is of timber and +plaster, and a Horsham stone roof. These stones are a little damp and +moss-covered (for our ancestors insisted on building in a hole, or where +would Friday's fish come from?), and the place is as Tudor as Queen Bess +herself, in whose reign its foundations were dug. The chimney stacks, +all smoking with the thin blue smoke of logs, are of tiny Tudor bricks, +and the chimneys are set not square with the house but cornerways. A +long low facade with the central door in a square porch; the whole grave +but serene. + +A path of more Horsham stone leads to the door, with thyme and lavender +springing from the interstices undismayed by the feet of man, and smooth +lawns on each side, and under the diamond-paned windows a bed where in +summer would be night stock and lemon verbena and tobacco plant and +mignonette. On the roof a few white fantails; a spaniel near the door; +and a great business of rooks in the sky. Through the windows of the +lower rooms you see the greenery at the back of the house and a +suggestion here and there of books and pictures--everything that makes a +house a home. + +Beside the house on the right are the stables; and on the other side is +a dark shrubbery, and beyond that are more lawns and gardens and the +fish-pond. + +Do you see it? Perhaps you have already seen it differently; for how +could you help forming some mental picture of it when in every carriage +on the L.B. & S.C.R. is posted up the notice, "Passengers to Lower +Blinds"? + +To me "Lower Blinds," whither all these fortunate passengers are +journeying, is just such a manor-house as that. + + + + +Rivalry + + +When I sat down on the seat facing the Row there was already on it a +soldier in the familiar blue clothes. He had the red moustache which +inevitably leads to the nickname of "Ginger," or possibly "Carrots," and +he was smoking a cigarette. By his side were his crutches. After a +minute or so a very tall figure, also in blue, hobbled towards us and +took the space between Ginger and myself. + +The freemasonry of arms has, I suppose, always, among rankers, made any +introduction needless; but there has unhappily come in a new and a super +freemasonry which goes beyond anything that uniform could do. I mean the +freemasonry of mutilation. By reason of their wounds these strangers +were as brothers. + +At first they talked hospitals. Then regiments. Then Haig, of whom it +has so finely and finally been said, by another British hero: "'Aig 'e +don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say +don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something--my Gawd!" +Then they came to grips and mentioned the cause of their +injuries--bullet or shrapnel. Then the time and the place. Both had been +hit in the knee, and this coincidence, operating like all coincidences, +added to their friendliness. Their cigarettes finishing simultaneously, +Ginger gave Six-foot-two one of his; and Six-foot-two offered his little +packet to Ginger in exchange. + +"Do you often come here?" Ginger asked. + +"Every fine day," said Six-foot-two, "unless there's a ride in a brake +or a free matinee on the tappy." + +"I must look you up again," said Ginger. + +"Do," said Six-foot-two. "When do you expect to leave?" + +"I can't say," replied Ginger. "There's no knowing. You see mine's a +very extraordinary case." He smiled complacently. + +"That's funny. So's mine," said Six-foot-two. + +"How do you mean--extraordinary?" the other asked a little sharply. + +"Why, the doctors have had so much difficulty with it. It's a unique, +they say. How many operations did you have?" + +"How many did you have?" Ginger replied, with the caution of the +challenged. + +"Go on--I asked you first," said Six-foot-two. "Was it more than eight, +anyway?" + +"It was ten," said Ginger. + +"Well, I had eleven," said Six-foot-two proudly. "They went after those +bullets eleven times. But they're all out now. I had every doctor in the +place round me." + +"So did I," said Ginger, "and one of my bullets isn't out yet. It's +right in the bone. They're going to try again soon." He had quite +recovered his good-humour. + +"What about your patella?" Six-foot-two inquired after a pause. + +"My what?" + +"Your patella. Do you mean to say the doctors didn't talk about that?" + +"I dare say they may have done, but I don't remember. Still, _our_ +doctors don't talk much--they act." + +"Well, so do ours. There aren't better doctors in the world than at our +place, I can tell you. It's common knowledge. Why, Sir Rashleigh Hewitt +is there every day--the great Sir Rashleigh Hewitt, the King's doctor." + +"Well, the King has more than one. Sir Frank Carver is another, and he's +at our place day and night. He's a masterpiece." + +"I've always understood," said Six-foot-two, "that Sir Rashleigh is at +the very head of his profession. The nurses say so." + +"He may be for some things," Ginger conceded. "But not the knee. Sir +Frank Carver is the crack knee man. Now if you'd been at our place I +dare say that one operation would have been enough for you." + +"Enough? What rot! How could it be enough, with all the complications? I +tell you it's a unique, my case." + +"Yes, it may be. But what I'm getting at is that it might not be if +you'd had Sir Frank Carver, the great knee specialist, at it at once." + +"Oh, give Sir Frank Carver a rest. Sir Rashleigh Hewitt's good enough +for me and for anyone else who knows." + +"All right," said Ginger. "Keep your hair on!" + +"My hair's on right enough," said Six-foot-two. "It's you who are +getting ratty." + +There was a pause, and both lighted new cigarettes, each taking one of +his own. + +"What puzzles me," Six-foot-two began slowly, "is no one saying anything +about your patella. That's the great marvel of my case--my patella. It's +full of holes, like a sieve. There's never been one like it before. The +profession's wild about it. That's what makes me so interesting to +them." + +"Where is it, anyway?" Ginger snapped out. + +"In the knee, of course." + +"In the knee! Well, if it's in the knee mine must be full of holes too. +I've got everything you can have in the knee, I tell you. Everything." + +"Have they written anything about you in the papers?" Six-foot-two +asked. "No. Ah," he went on triumphantly, "they have about me. There's a +medical paper with a piece in it all about my patella. I sent it home +and they've framed it. It's the most astonishing thing in surgery that +I should be able to be walking about at all." + +"That's what they tell _me_," Ginger replied. "But, anyhow, your bullets +are all out. I've got another one yet, and by the time that's out I dare +say I shall have had twenty operations and a whole column in the papers. +But as for articles in papers, they're nothing. Have you got your X-ray +photograph?" + +"No," Six-foot-two admitted. + +"They gave me mine," said Ginger. "I sent it home. It's over the +mantelpiece, my mother says. People come from miles to look at it. It's +a pity you didn't get yours. That was foolish of you, if I may say so. +Well, so long. I'm having tea to-day with one of our grand lady visitors +in Rutland Gate. If you don't see me here when you come again, the +chances are I shall be having my next operation. So long!" + +"So long!" said Six-foot-two. + +Ginger on his crutches moved away. + +"Extraordinary," Six-foot-two murmured, either to me or to himself or to +the Park at large, "how some blokes always want to be the most important +things in the world." + + + + +A First Communion in the War Zone + + +Everyone who has made a stay in Paris or in any French town, and has +been at all observant, must have noticed, either singly or in little +groups, that prettiest of the flora and fauna of Roman Catholic +countries, a "first communicant" in her radiant and spotless +attire--from white shoes to white veil, and crown of innocence over all. +One sees them usually after the ceremony, soberly marching through the +streets, or flitting from this friend to that like runaway lilies. +Prinking and preening a little in the shop windows, too; and no wonder, +for it is something to be thus clad and thus important; and never will +such clothes be worn by these wearers again. Meanwhile the younger +children envy, and little attendant bodies of proud relations somewhere +in the vicinity admire and exult. + +If I write as if all "first communicants" are little girls, it is +because it is the little girls who are the most noticeable. And who +cares about little boys anyway? Yet boys communicate too, and in their +broad white collars and with their knots of white ribbon they may also +be seen, although less frankly delighted; indeed, often a little +self-conscious and ashamed. But the little girls, who know instinctively +that women are the backbone of the Roman Catholic Church, they are +natural and full of happy pride; they carry it off with style. + +In the spring of 1915 it was my fortune not only to know personally a +bouquet of these eager little French pietists, but to be present as one +of the congregation at the great event--their _premiere communion_. It +was not in Paris, nor in a town at all, but far away in the country, in +a village where the guns of Verdun could be heard in the lulls of the +service. There were six little girls in all, and I saw them pass into +the safe keeping of their new mother, the Church of Rome, and in visible +token receive from the officiating hands a pictorial certificate so +chromatically violent that it could not but satisfy any childish eyes +and, under such conditions of emotional excitement, must ever remain as +a symbol of their consecration. I heard, too, the cure's address to +these lambs, in which he briefly outlined the life and character of +Christ and of certain of the disciples, coming to each with much the +same tender precision and ecstasy as a fastidious and enthusiastic +collector to the choicest porcelain. + +But what chiefly interested me was the form of the vow which the good +cure--one of the best of men, who, in September 1914, saw his church +reduced to ruins and most of his parish destroyed by fire by the +invading Huns, and never budged from his post--had himself recently +drawn up for such occasions. What the usual form of such documents is I +cannot say, but in view of the serious plight of France and the +renaissance of patriotic fervour in the brave and unconquerable French +nation, the cure had infused into this one an element of public duty +hitherto omitted. + +At the end of the "jolie ceremonie," as in conversation he called it, +and as it truly was, I asked him for a copy of this admirable catechism, +and here are a few of its questions and answers. + +The title is "A Promise to be a good Christian and a good Citizen of +France": + +_Q. What is the road to Heaven?_ + +_A. That which my mother, the Holy Roman Church, shows me. If I follow +it, I am convinced that, while gaining happiness for myself, I shall +increase the glory of my family and the honour of my country._ + +_Q. Does the Church command you to obey the legitimate laws of your +country?_ + +_A. Yes; and I must be ready, if needful, to give my blood for her._ +(Poor little white peacocks!) + +_Q. On whom do you count to assist you?_ + +_A. Here, on earth, on my parents and on my instructors. Above, on God, +on the angels and the saints, and principally on my guardian angel, on +the holy Saint Peter, and on the blessed Joan of Arc._ + +_Q. Who are your enemies?_ + +_A. The enemies of France, and those who, all unenlightened, attack the +Church._ + +_Q. What is your ambition?_ + +_A. To see France victorious and united in a bond of love with the +Church, to see her add to the tricolour the Image of the Sacred Heart, +and to see her take soon her place at the head of the nations._ + +Is not that rather fine? It must be to the good thus to blend religion +and patriotism. I know that, especially on that soil over which the +Germans had spread so devastatingly, one could not listen to these fresh +young voices raised together in such idealism without a quickened +heart. + + + + +The Ace of Diamonds + + +The French, always so quick to give things names--and so liberal about +it that, to the embarrassment and undoing of the unhappy foreigner, they +sometimes invent fifty names for one thing--have added so many words to +the vocabulary since August 1914 that a glossary, and perhaps more than +one, has been published to enshrine them. Without the assistance of this +glossary it is almost impossible to understand some of the numerous +novels of Poilu life. + +By no means the least important of these creations is the infinitesimal +word "as"--or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des +carreaux" (to give the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds. +To-day all France, with that swift assimilation which has ever been one +of its many mysteries, knows its new meaning and applies it. And what is +this new meaning? + +Well "as" has two. Originally it was applied strictly to flying men, and +it was reserved to signify an aviator who had brought down his fifth +enemy machine. Had he brought down only four he was a gallant fellow +enough, but he was not an "as." One more and he was an ace of diamonds, +that card being the fifth honour in most French games as well as in +Bridge. + +So much for the first and exact meaning of the term. But later, as I +gather from a number of _La Baionnette_ devoted to its uses, the word +has been extended to cover all kinds of obscure heroes, the men, and +they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but do not get into +the papers or receive medals or any mention in dispatches. We all know +that many of the finest deeds performed in war escape recognition. One +does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses +and all the other desirable tokens of valour are conferred wrongly. +Nothing of the kind. They are nobly deserved. But probably there never +was a recipient of the V.C. or the D.S.O. or the Military Cross who +could not--and did not wish to--tell his Sovereign, when the coveted +honour was being pinned to his breast, of some other soldier not less +worthy than himself of being decorated, whose deed of gallantry was +performed under less noticeable conditions. The performer of such a deed +is an "as" and it is his luck to be a not public hero. + +The "as" can be found in every branch of the army, and he is recognized +as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant. +Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be +numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying +anonymous. "Voila, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of +these brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that +chap," one of our soldiers would say; "he's an A." + +That satirical child of the war, _La Baionnette_ every week devotes +itself, as its forerunner, _L'Assiette an Beurre_, used to do, to one +theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle, usually in the +army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the war steadily +occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I find recorded +an incident of the French Army so moving that I want to tell it here, +very freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before the attack at +Carency--and he vouches for the accuracy of his report, for he was +himself present. In the little village of Camblain-l'Abbe a regiment was +assembled, and to them spoke their captain. The scene was the yard of a +farm. I know so well what it was like. The great manure heap in the +middle; the carts under cover, with perhaps one or two American reapers +and binders among them; fowls pecking here and there; a thin predatory +dog nosing about; a cart-horse peering from his stable and now and then +scraping his hoofs; a very wide woman at the dwelling-house door; the +old farmer in blue linen looking on; and there, drawn up, listening to +their captain, row on row of blue-coated men, all hard-bitten, weary, +all rather cynical, all weather-stained and frayed, and all ready to go +on for ever. + +This is what the captain said--a tall thin man of about thirty, speaking +calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just seen +the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant, +and this is what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to +attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an +hour we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be +the first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed +at once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for +the elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be +killed. Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn, +according to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at +Saida before the war. What will be left by the time you have reached the +point I cannot say, but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a +lot of ground to cover, under fire. But you will take the point and hold +it. Fall out." + +That captain was an "as." + + + + +The Reward of our Brother the Poilu + + +We often talk of the best poem which the war has produced; and opinions +usually vary. My own vote, so far as England is concerned, is still +given to Julian Grenfell's lyric of the fighting man; but if France is +to be included too, one must consider very seriously the claims of _La +Passion de Notre Frere le Poilu_, by Marc Leclerc, which may be had in a +little slender paper-covered book, at a cost, in France, where it has +been selling in its thousands, of one franc twenty-five. This poem I +have been reading with a pleasure that calls to be shared with others, +for it is not only very touching and very beautiful, but it has also +certain of those qualities which are more thoroughly appreciated in +company. Beauty and tenderness can make their appeal alone; but humour +demands two at least and does not resent a crowd, and the humour of +this little masterpiece is very deep and true. + +Did I say I had been reading it? That is to use words with unjustifiable +looseness; rather should I say that I have been in part reading and in +part guessing at it; for it is written in the Angevin patois, which is +far beyond my linguistic capacity. Not that Captain Leclerc is a rustic; +on the contrary, he is a man of culture and the author of several books, +chiefly on and about Anjou, one of which has illustrations from his own +hand; but it has amused him in this poem to employ his native dialect, +while, since he, like so many French authors, is fighting, the soldierly +part of it is authentic. + +It was a poor devil of a Poilu--it begins--and he went to the war, +automatically enough, knowing without any words about it that the soil +which he cultivated must also be defended. That was his duty. After +suffering the usual ills of the campaign, suddenly a 210 burst near him, +and he never rallied. He just had time to give a few messages to the +corporal before he died. "You must tell my wife," he said, "but do it +gradually; say, I'm ill first. Give what money I have here to my pals," +and so forth. Then, after repeating his testament, he passed quietly +away. + +On reaching the gate of Heaven the Poilu finds St. Peter beating the +mats. "Wipe your shoes," St. Peter says, "and take the right-hand +corridor. The Judgment Hall is at the end." All trembling, the poor +fellow passes along the corridor, at the end of which an angel in white +takes down particulars as to his name, his class, and so forth, and +tells him that he is expected. Entering the Judgment Hall, the Poilu is +bewildered by its austerity and splendour. The Good God is at the head, +between Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin. All the saints are there, +and the Poilu notices particularly the military ones--St. George, St. +Hubert, St. Michael, St. Leonard, St. Marcel, St. Charlemagne, St. +Martin, St. Sulpice, St. Barbe, St. Maurice, and St. Jeanne d'Arc. +Seeing all these famous soldiers, he exclaims, "It's a Conseil de +Guerre! Perhaps I can slip away." But escape is impossible, and at this +moment the Good God tells him to begin his history. + +"What did you do before the war?" He asks. The Poilu replies that he +was a farmer in a very small way; he worked on the land, and he had some +stock--two oxen, a horse, a cow, a wife, some fowls, "and, saving your +presence, a pig." "Ah!" exclaims St. Anthony, "a pig! That reminds me! +Pigs! Sois beni, mon frere." But the Good God frowns, and St. Anthony +makes himself very small. + +And then, the Poilu continues, he became a soldier, which leads to the +awkward question, had he always behaved himself as such? Alas! it +appears that he had not. For one thing, he has not always been sober, he +is confessing, when Noah interrupts with the comment that insobriety is +not such a very serious affair. In fact, he himself once ... and by this +time the reader begins to get the drift of this joyous humane fantasy, +the point being that the hierarchy of Heaven are all on the side of the +brave simple soldier who has died that France might live. As how could +they not be? Another time, the Poilu continues, he was sent to prison +for cutting a piece from his coat in order to mend the seat of his +trousers--in other words, for injuring Government property; and here St. +Martin breaks in with indignation at the punishment. "Why, when I did +very much the same," he says, "and cut my cloak to cover a paralytic, I +was canonized for it!" And so on. + +Then comes a graver note. The Poilu, feeling an effort to be necessary, +for the Good God has never relaxed His sternness throughout, becomes +eloquent. Not only was he killed, but before that, he says, he suffered +much. The hardships of war on the Western front are terrible. He had +been famished, he had been frozen, he had been burned by the sun. He had +been sleepless, he had been footsore, and the sweat had poured from him +under his heavy burdens, for often he had carried not only his own +haversack but those of his comrades. In short.... But here St. Simon, +speaking softly to Christ, says, "Like you, Lord, at Golgotha." In my +prose this is, of course, too crude; but I assure you that in the poem +it is a great moment. And another follows it, for as the Good God still +says nothing, the Poilu points to the blue robe of the Blessed Virgin, +and to the great white beard of the Good God himself, and to the red +cloak of our Lord, and exclaims, "Voila mes trois couleurs. The three +colours of France. It was for them that I have lost my life; fighting +for them has brought me to this Judgment Hall!" + +That is fine, is it not? Only the French genius is capable of just such +a splendid blend of naivete, emotion, and the best kind of +theatricalism. And at these words at last the Good God smiles, and +behind Him Heaven opens for the Poilu to enter. + +There is a little more--for it seems that Heaven is full of Poilus with +blue caps, and golden helmets, and wings that remove the possibility of +getting wet feet or weary feet any more for ever and ever. And our Poilu +joins these others, who look happy and are happy, and sings with them +"Glory to God in the highest," while the angels, not perhaps wholly +without irony, answer, "Peace on earth and goodwill to men." + + + + +Note + + +With the exception of a few pages, the longest essay in this book--that +which gives it its title--is now published for the first time. The +papers grouped under the headings "Diversions" and "On Bellona's Hem" +which follow have already appeared in print, in _Punch_ and _The +Sphere_, but in their present form have been always revised and often +extended. + +PRINTED BY MORRISON AND GIBB LTD., EDINBURGH + + * * * * * + + +------------------------------------------------------------+ + | Transcriber's note: | + | | + | Page 156: energitic _sic._ | + | | + +------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Boswell of Baghdad, by E. V. Lucas + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A BOSWELL OF BAGHDAD *** + +***** This file should be named 20083.txt or 20083.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/0/8/20083/ + +Produced by Audrey Longhurst and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |